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Mioaybill

SINCE SEPTEMBER 11, debate has raged about the vulnerability of
our nation's nuclear power plants to terrorist attack. New
York's Indian Point plant has been the subject of particular
concern, since 20 million people live within a 50-mile radius
of the aging facility. In The China Syndrome 2003, Rene Chun re-
ports that security at America’s nuclear plants is frighteningly
lax—and getting worse. While we're supposed to comfort
ourselves with the knowledge that a plane may not be able to
break through the thickest portion of a reactor's protective
walls, Indian Point insiders have come forward to reveal
shocking security lapses that make devastating terrorist at-
tacks a real possibility. (The art is by Malcolm Tarlofsky.)

For a meltdown of a different sort, we give you Torrie Wilson,
the WWE's grappling goddess. In her pile-driving pictorial,
shot by Arny Freytag, she is out of the ring and out of her
clothes. She shows us her softer side, but you still may feel as
though you've been body-slammed. And that's a good thing.

Herb Ritts died late last year alter spending a lifetime pho-
tographing some of the world's most beautiful women in a sig-
nature style that made them even more memorable. Photog-
raphy Director Gary Cole pays tribute to this luminary lensman
by assembling a portfolio of supermodels Ritts shot for_
PLAYBOY over the years. Join us in taking another look at his
iconic portraits of Cindy Crawford, Elle Macpherson and Brigitte
Nielsen. Thanks, Herb.

You might think all-night group-sex bacchanalia went the
way of the Roman Empire—or at least Plato's Retreat—but
there is a new orgy scene emerging among the hip and beau-
tiful. And it's being driven by young, sexually adventurous
women. The only problem: An invitation is hard to come by if
you don't have the right password (and bank account). Our
spy, Tanya Corrin, slipped past the gatekeepers at the Velvet Rope
Orgy to give us an account of all the moans, groans and secret
rituals. The rich really are different, even when it comes to
their orgies. In Appropriate Sex, by Steve Almond, it’s springtime
on campus, and the girls in th sy tops inflame a college
professor. When one of his students writes a story about hors- FREYTAG AND WILSON
es and horniness, everyone gets a burr under their saddle,
and it makes for an unstable situation. (Art by Istvan Banyai.)

In our baseball preview, The Perfect Game, Allen St. John tells
us who's on first—not to mention second and third. He chews
up all the off-season roster changes and then spits out this
year’s pennant and World Series matchups. Along the way he
gets all the dirt from some of the game's biggest stars, includ-
ing Jason Giambi, Barry Zito and Curt Schilling.

We went after a heavy hitter of the Hollywood sort and sent
Contributing Editor David Shelf to throw a couple of curves at
Billy Bob Thornton in this month's Playboy Interview. Thornton is
famous for error-free performances in such films as Monsters ST JOHN
Ball and The Man Who Wasn't There. He's equally well known
for wearing a vial of Angelina Jolie's blood around his neck,
harboring a deep fear of antique furniture and turning his

ersonal life into a tabloid editor's dream. We call him on his
oddball antics and find out just where he stands with

From a notorious Hollywood wolf to televis
fox: CST's Jorja Fox answers 200 by Robert Crane. The crime-
scene investigator who most fires up our Bunsen burner talks
about gross-outs on the set, how to have fun with a fart ma-
chine and the most disgusting smells in the lab.

Playmate Laurie Fetter (shot by George Georgiou) is a Cubs fan
who, like all Cubs fans every spring, is filled with hope. Let's
all remember to savor that feeling.

CHUN

CRANE GEORGIOU

Playboy (ISSN 0032-1478), May 2003, volume 50, number 5. Published monthly by Playboy in national and regional editions, Playboy, 680 North
Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611. Periodicals postage paid at Chicago, Ilinois and at ad anada Post Cana-
dian Publications Mail Sales Product Agreement No. 40035534. Subscriptions: in the U.S., $29.97 for 12 issues. Postmaster: Send address change to
Playboy, PO. Box 2007, Harlan, lowa 51537-4007. For subscription-related questions, e-mail circ@nyplayboy.com. Editorial: edit@playbay.cam. 3

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www.jameson.ie

JAMESON”

IRISH WHISKEY
WHAT'S THE RUSH?"

vol. 50, no. 5—may 2003

features
64 THE CHINA SYNDROME 2003
A terrorist altack on. New York's Indian Point nuclear power plant could poison
20 million people. So the facility must have fail-safe security, right? Wrong.
BY RENE CHUN
76 HIGH-END SPIRITS
Give your gold card a workout with the world's most expensive cocktails.
BY RAY FOLEY
80 THE VELVET ROPE ORGY
Group sex used to mean sweaty fat guys and greasy steam tables. Now it means
superexclusive parties for beautiful people and bi-curious babes. Consider this your.
invitation. BY TANYA CORRIN
88 THE PERFECT GAME
Our annual baseball preview swings for the fences with enough aces, extra bases
and pennant races to make even а Yankees fan happy. Gel your rotisserie tips now—
or get roasted later. BY ALLEN ST. JOHN
108 ROAD WARRIORS
The latest sport touring motorcycles offer a lot more than wind in your hair. Hit the
highway with our tricked-out, two-wheeled test-drives. BY JAMES R. PETERSEN
121 CENTERFOLDS ON SEX: DAPHNEE LYNN DUPLAIX
Daphnee likes her butt buffed—hey, it beats rubbing Buddha any day.
122 20Q JORJA FOX
The star of TV's CSI wants to share a few things about the number one hit show—
especially the disturbing smells, BY ROBERT CRANE
124 BUMPER HUMPERS
Horny motorists are allempling to merge drive time with their sex drives. For proof.
check out these actual DMV-rejected vanity plates.
fiction
86 APPROPRIATE SEX
Springtime on campus is tough for a popular professor—girls wear next to nothing,
class devolves into a discussion of sexuality and horses, and office hours attract a
teacher's pel. BY STEVE ALMOND
interview
57 BILLY BOB THORNTON

Billy Bob is the best actor to come out of Arkansas since Bill Clinton. Now

the Sling Blade guy is on his own again afler a messy breakup with Angelina
Jolie. т a no-bull Playboy Interview, Billy Bob talks about hallucinating to the
Honeymooners, steering clear of Komodo dragons and eating orange food.

BY DAVID SHEFF

cover stor

Get ready for a body slam from Torrie a
The WWE's groppling goddess is out of the
Row and into the buff. We osked Contributing
Photogropher Arny Freytag to challenge Tor-
rie to а no-holds-borred match in our studio.
Once you've seen her softer side, you'll agree
that she saved her best moves for outside the
ring. Our Rabbit gets o forearm shiver.

SKECHERS.COM

vol. 50, no. 5—may 2003

PLAYBOY

| contents continued | continued

pictorials

70 ATRIBUTE TO HERB RITTS
Pholographing celebrities was his
life. Photographing naked super-
models was his mission for us.

94 PLAYMATE: LAURIE FETTER

This Chicago-style beauty is one

deep dish.

TORRIE WILSON

Ms. Wilson gives us a Woodrow.

notes and news

13 THE WORLD OF PLAYBOY

14 HEF'S HAPPY NEW YEAR
The Rock, Christian Slater and
Jon Favreau ring in 2003 at
the Mansion.

49 ТНЕРІДҮВОҮ FORUM
Former All-Pro NFL center Mark
Stepnoski trades turf for grass.
(If you catch our drift.)

PLAYMATE NEWS
Our secret formula: Jay Leno, a
hog and the Dahm triplets.

departments

PLAYBILL
DEAR PLAYBOY
AFTER HOURS
GAMES
PLAYBOY TV
PLAYBOY.COM
MEN
MANTRACK

47

106
156
163
164
166

THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR
PARTY JOKES

WHERE AND HOW TO BUY
ON THE SCENE
GRAPEVINE

POTPOURRI

fashion

MIXED DOUBLES

When pro tennis players go out at
night, they dress to win.

BY JOSEPH DE ACETIS

WET WORK
Let it рош: You'll still look great in
this rain-repellent outerwear.

BY JOSEPH DE ACETIS

reviews

MOVIES

Hollywood Homicide, how release
dates ruin movies, and Spun, a
neu spin on the old gross-out lick.

VIDEO
Ooh-la-la. It's a Eurotrash soft-
porn explosion!

MUSIC
Zwan, the Thermals, Cobra Verde
and Lucinda Williams.

BOOKS
All the Rave: The Rise and Fall of
Napster, and Walter Tooss’ Classic
Baseball.

PRINTED IN U.S.A.

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PLAYBOY

HUGH M. HEFNER

editor-in-chief,

JAMES KAMINSK

ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial directors
STEVEN RUSSELL deputy editor

TOM STAEBLER art director

RY COLE photography director
LISA GRACE managing editor
ROBERT LOVE editor at large

JOHN REZER associate managing editor

STEPHEN RANDALL executive editor

LEOPOLD FROEHLICH assistant managing editor

EDITORIAL
FEATURES: CHRISTOPHER NAPOLITANO editor; FORUM: JAMES R. PETERSEN senior staff writer; cue
ROWE associate editor; РАТТҮ LAMBERTI editorial assistant; MODERN LIVING: DAVID STEVENS editor;

JASON BUHRMESTER associate editor; DAN HENLEY administrative assistant; STAFF: BARBARA NELLIS
senior editor; ALISON Prato associate editor; ROBERT ti. DESALVO. TIM MOHR. assistant editors; HEATHER
НАЕВЕ, CAROL КОВА ЕК, MALINA LEF. OLGA STAVROPOULOS editorial assistants; CARTOONS: MICHELLE
URRY editor; JENNIFER THIELE assistant: COPY: BRETT HUSTON associale editor; ANAHEED ALANI, ANNE
SHERMAN assistant edilors; KEMA SMITH senior researcher; GEORGE. HODAK. BARI NASH, KRISTEN SWANN
researchers; MARK DURAN research librarian; v1 GALVIN. JOAN MCLAUGHLIN Proofreaders; WUYAN
BRAUER. BRADLEY LINCOLN assistants; CONTRIBUTING EDITORS: asa BABER. KEVIN BUCKLEY:

JOSEPH DE ACETIS (FASHION), GRETCHEN EDGREN, LAWRENCE GROBEL. KEN GROSS. WARREN KALBACKER.

JOE MORGENSTERN. DAVID RENSIN. DAVID SHEFF JOHN D. THOMAS

ART
SCOTT ANDERSON, BRUCE HANSEN. CHET SUSKI. LEN WILLIS senior art directors;
art director; PAUL CHAN senior ari assistant; JOANNA METZGER art assistant; CORTEZ WELLS art

ROB WILSON associate

services coordinator; LORI PAGE SEMEN senior art administrator

PHOTOGRAPHY
MARILYN GRABOWSKI west coast editor; JIM LARSON managing editor: KEVIN KUSTER STEPHANIE MORRIS

senior editors; PAV TY BEAUDETFRANCES associate edilor; RENAY LARSON assistant editor; ARNY FREYTAG.
STEPHEN wayna senior contributing photographers; GEORGE GEORGIOU staff photographer.
RICHARD 1201, MIZUNO, BYRON NEWMAN. GEN NISHINO, POMPEO POSAR, DAVID RAMS contributing
photographers; нил. war studio manager—los angeles: ELIZABETH GEORGIOL manager,
photo library: KEVIN CRAIG manager, photo lab; MELISSA ELIAS photo researcher;

PENNY EKKERT: production coordinator

MONE!

JAMES N. AS publisher

PRODUCTION
MARIA MANDIS director; RITA JOHNSON manager; JODY JUNGETO. CINDY PONTARHLLI. DEBBIE TH

associate managers; Jot. CANE fypesetler; BILL BENWAY, SIMMIE WILLIAMS prepress;
CHAR KKOWCZVK assistant

(CULATION

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AM RTISING
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sales manager; HELEN BIANCULLA direct response manager; LISA NATALE marketing director; stt 1
event marketing director; jovis Lic marketing services din
director; MARIE FIRNENO advertising business manager; KAKA SARISKY advertising coordinator: NEW
YORK: MICHAEL BELLINGHAM, VICTORIA HAMILTON, SUE JAFFE, JOHN LUMPKIN. KON STERN:
CALIFORNIA: DENISE SCHIPPER, COREY SPIEGEL; CHICAGO: WADE BAXTER

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READER SERVICE
MIKE OSTROWSKI correspondent

ADMINISTRATIVE
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PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES INTERNATIONAL, INC.
CHRISTIE HEENER chairman, chief executive officer
JAMES Y RADIKE senior vice president and general manager

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JUSTIN AND NELLY

DIG THE PLAYBOY MANSION

Ask Justin Timberlake and Nelly if it's fun

to make a video at the Mansion. They play

gardeners who find a perfect world there

with Hef and his posse. Then they're ready

to Work It on a duet for Nelly's CD. Director
| Joseph Kahn put the cast through its

paces so they could party like rock stars.

Hef doesn't need to take direction for that.

PARTY ANIMALS

The Society for the Prevention of
Cruelty to Animals Los Angeles
held its 125th anniversary cele-
bration at the Mansion. The gala
honored Betty White, with NYPD
Blue's Bill Brochtrup and Playmate
Heather Carolin leading the cheers.

BACHELORETTES AT THE MANSION
Showing off party hats and winning smiles on New Year's
Eve at the Mansion were three lovely ladies from ABC's
The Bachelor. Happily, Dana Norris, Gwen Gioia and
Heather Cranford are stili unattached.

RABBIT HABIT

Hef had a hug for Rod Stewart's
ex, model Rachel Hunter, when
he ran into her at the Standard
Lounge. Rachel was sporting a
Rabbit T-shirt.

A LITTLE BIT COUNTRY
Singer Kenny Chesney hung out
at the Mansion on a Movie Night
when there was no dress code—
which was just fine with Chesney,
whose multiplatinum CD is called
No Shoes, No Shirt, No Problems.

TOASTING THE . us ON THE TOWN
NEW YEAR : BEL нс and gal pal Hol-

Hef's New Year's Sih: - : М ly Madison caught
Eve bash was filled \ à up with Dennis
with Centerfolds k US Quaid and hís band,
and other celebri- 4 the Sharks, at Bar-
ties. Actor Seann ] M fly in Los Ange-
William Scott put a ME les. Quaid deserves
squeeze on Play- jp some rock-n-roll
mates Lauren Mi- R&R after his bril-
chelle Hill and Jen- liant performance
niter Walcott. in Far From Heaven.

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PRE-PROGRAMMED FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE.

As you read this, women across America are reading
something very different: an advertisement (fig. 1)
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of men who drink Molson. The ad shown helow, currently running in
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designed hy trained professionals. Women who are exposed to it experience a

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ae Triggering the process is as simple as ordering a Molson Canadian (fig. 2).

fig. 1 It costs $179,630 to run an ad in Cosmo. fig.3 A shapely female subject accesses pleasing imagery from her
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The game is about to change, and you're the heavy favorite.

Extravagant dinners. Subtitled movies. Floral arrangements tied together with
little pieces of hay. It gets old. And it gets expensive, depleting funds that could
go to a new set of 20-inch rims. But thanks to the miracle of Twin Advertising
Technology, you can achieve success without putting in any time or effort. So
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Dear Playboy =

680 NORTH LAKE SHORE DRIVE
CHICAGO, ILUNOIS 60611
E-MAIL DEARPB@PLAYBOLCOM

ALISON
Alter seeing Alison Eastwood on horse-
back (February) I have decided it would
be worth it to spend my tax refund on
riding lessons.
Mark Cindric
Ransomville, New York

In the 25 years I've been a subscriber,

I have never seen a better photo than

the black-and-white one in this pictorial.
Alison is simply amazing.

Jim Trawicki

Austin, Texas

1 have been waiting for these photos
ever since I saw Eastwood in Midnight in
the Garden of Good and Evil.

Ronald Serafin
Houston, Texas

Without a doubt Alison is the best shot
Clint ever fired.
Marion Filippone
Houston, Texas

CAMPUS SEXY

I bet you get tired of reading “This
is my first letter to PLAYBOY,” but it is.
Meghan Bainum (Coed Sex Advice, Febru-
ary) is adorable. I'll take her advice if
you will take mine: She needs her own
pictorial.

Steven Bird
Seattle, Washington

1 have often read Natalie Krinsky in
the Yale Daily News. She is a gifted writer
about sexual matters, shooting from the
hip with a sense of humor. Where's the
pictorial?

E. Wilson
New Haven, Connecticut

Meghan Bainum is so cute. Two pho-
tos are not enough. More, please.
Ken Jackson
Atlanta, Georgia

ACCORDING TO BOYLE
1 couldn't believe my eyes when I
opened the Centerfold (Shipshape Charis,
February). My jaw dropped to the floor.
Charis Boyle is the most beautiful wom-
an I've ever seen.
Jerry Kibbee
Manhattan, Kansas

Charis has made a leg man out of me.
She's PMOY material.
Charles Kunkel
Dublin, Pennsylvania

MR. SMITH GOES ON RECORD

Kevin Cook's profile of Emmitt Smith
(Catch '22, Fel ary) is interesting. 1 ac-
knowledge Smith is one of the greatest
players in NFL history, but 1 hate his
guts. What he and all those other Cow-
boy players of the Nineties did to pre-
vent the 49ers from winning more Super

"Two ll

Ebert & Roeper

Shockingly

Peter Rainer, New York Magazine
> Mov
лане Wen

DVD SP

Rent or Dwn it Today!

WWW artnet соп,
ARTISAN
| чуке Frater Wa e Р мро бишип. 2002 py Da LE A йш ev

PLAYBOY

Bowls will always be remembered by
Niners fans like me.
Ernie Koy
Sacramento, California

THE SKINNY ON JIMMY
As if Jimmy Kimmel's Playbo:
(February) doesn’t provide sufficient evi-
dence of his ignorance and naivete about
women generally, his comment that les-
bians don't have real sex is the last straw.
"There's plenty of penetration, and, trust
me, we don't just dabble.
J. Anthony
Washington, D.C.

I agree with Kimmel that funny peo-
ple are rarer than smart ones. Unfortu-
nately, he is neither.

Dan Fowler
New Orleans, Louisiana

Kimmel's interview is the funniest you
have ever published. I laughed out loud.
‘The only thing that seemed contrived was
that he kissed Letterman’s ass too much,
but that won't stop me from watching him.

Timothy St. John
Socastee, South Carolina

Kimmel says he was almost celibate be-
cause he had sex only twice a month. He
fares no worse than a lot of guys.

Alfred Piccoli
Bloomfield, New Jersey

FOOLED AGAIN

After reading Won't Get Fooled Again
(February) by Jim Shepard 1 want to
know why this story isn't considered li-
belous. The real history of the Who and

Are you talking to us?

its masterful bass player, John Entwistle,
is way more interesting than this dreck.
John Grow
Fall River, Massachusetts
Is it live or is it Memorex? Shepard took
most of the scenarios in his story from pub-
lished interviews with the Who.

Won't Get Fooled Again may skirt be-
tween fact and fiction, but short of Spmal
Tap, no fiction can improve on the Who's
antics.

Zach Everson
Falls Church, Virginia

Once I figured out that there were
tons of facts imbedded in the fiction, I
was pretty amazed by Shepard's story.

Jake Gordon
Las Vegas, Nevada

BREAKUP BREAKDOWN

Asa Baber's February Men column,
“Valentines and Hellfire,” is right on the
money. Lam a father in the middle of a
custody battle. Even if you have joint
custody while your ex has physical cus-
tody, you are pretty much powerless.
Find out your state laws and then record
everything you and your cx talk about
and give it to your lawyer. It might help.
you win your case.

‘alls, South Dakota

1 applaud Baber's column. In custody
cases, mediation prior to couri ation
is the way to go because court-appointed
mediation is another story altogether.
Here are some things to remember: Use
the phrase "I am overwhelmed" asa way
to signal a time-out to the mediator. If
your ex says anything like "I'm afraid of

WE GAVE THE DRIVER EVERYTHING
HE COULD ASK FOR.
THEN WE ASKED THE PASSENGER.

BER

scragom ^

WAVERUNNER

his (fill in the blank)," the mediator may
mandate random alcohol, drug or what-
ever kind of testing, and they all have a
zero-tolerance policy. Finally, do your
research on divorce and child custody
before you go to mediators or lawyers.

Tom Paul

Antelope, California

CLERKS AREN'T JERKS
The Tip Sheet featured in February's
After Hours reters to a “counter drone” in
a description of a popular eastern Geor-
gia prank. The implication is that a
drone is some sort of mindless worker
bee, someone of little or no conse-
quence. So, according to the writer, con-
venience store clerks are losers. I have
encountered contempt for blue-collar
and working-class service people from
journalists many times before, and yet
I'm sure that journalists patronize con-
venience stores all the time.
Randy Brown
Clearwater, Florida
Are you kidding? We used to work al con-
venience stores before we fell on hard times
and had to become journalists.

BERNIE WHACK
I kind of enjoyed Bernie Mac’s rant
(20Q, February) until he started in on
Asians.
John Yang
Sunnyvale, California

After the shouting is over.

NOTHING BUT NET
Cyber Girls (February) reminded me
that no matter how many spin-ofls you
guys do—the Internet, Special Editions,
foreign editions, videos or TV movies—
you can always find terrific-looking wom-
en who will take off their clothes. It just
multiplies the number of places a reader
can go to see knockout women such as
Tila Nguyen, Carolee Bass and Tailor
James. Thanks.

Josh Johns
Washington, D.C.

PSSST—WANNA BUY A TICKET?

I'm just a regular guy who probably
won't be going to the Masters, but I will
be standing in line like a fool again (Why
You Can't Get Tickets, February) trying to
get good seats to Coldplay. At least now
I know some tips that might give me a
chance. Calling Ticketmaster in another
city is my new way to go.

Brian Ross
Boston, Massachusetts

І сап accept that I'm never going to
get into the Masters, but I can't believe
that I have to compete for bleacher seats.
A beer and a pizza at home work fine.

Larry Brown
Chicago, Illinois

NOT SO FAST

OK, ГЇЇ be the one to ask, What the
hell are winkies (“How to Massage Her
Ass," Mantrack, February)? For all 1 know,
I have spoiled the mood and not even
known it.

Bob Muchanic
La Jolla, California

Winkies occur during vigorous butt mas-
sage when the masseur applies outward pres-
sure and separates both cheeks simultaneously.
It makes for a startling and eye-opening
event. When the pressure is released, the "eye"
closes, hence the "wink."

1140 horsepower

ngine that's

THE SEARCH
STARTS HERE
ы Am wj = =

Playboy is conducting a nationwide search
for our 50th Anniversary Playmate.
If you think you know the 21st Century girl-next-door,
why not introduce her to us? Our editors will be touring
Jillian's locations across the country from April 8- July 18.
For details, log on to www.playboy.com.

Universal City, CA April 9-10, San Francisco, CA April 16-x7, Las Vegas, NV April 23-24,
Dallas, TX April 23-24*, Phoenix, AZ April 30-May 1, Chicago, IL May 7-8*, Houston, TX May 7-8,
Memphis, TN May 14-15, Indianapolis, IN May 21-22, Vancouver, BC May 21-22*, Columbia, SC May 28-29,
Toronto, ON June 4-5", Raleigh, NC June 4-5, Norfolk, VA June 11-12, Miami, FL June 18-19",
Farmingdale, NY June 18-19, Montreal, QE June 25-26, Cleveland, OH (Flats) July 2-3,
Minneapolis, MN July 9-10, Denver, CO July 16-17
‘Not a Jillian's location. Go to www.playboy.com for additional location details.
Candidates must be at least 18 years of age and bring with them two fous of personal identification, one of which must have a photo, expiration date and date of birth.

Acceptable forms of ID are: valid driver's license, birth certificate, passport, college ID, social security card, voter's registration card or state identification card.
All photos become the property of Playboy and will not be returned. © PLAYBOY 2003

aft

er ho

urs

A GUY'S GUIDE TO WHAT'S HIP AND WHAT'S HAPPENING

MORE LAWS WE'D LIKE TO SEE

A $500 fine for teaching children to
high-five

А $25 ticket each time one dude calls
another dude by his last name.

Minimum of 60 days followed by com-
munity service for brewing decaf in the
regular cofleepot.

You say, “Yeah, baby!” like Austin Pow-
ers? We cut off your left hand.

Just to see if we like it: a mandatory,
nationwide Hawaiian Shirt Day.

Appearance before a grand jury for
any woman with a five-day-old Brazilian
wax who attempts to have sex

Instead of sirens, ambulances must

TAE KWON D'OH -

GYMNASTS KEEP
MEDALS, LOSE
CLOTHES

We're the first to praise
a flawless dismount,
particularly as prac-
ticed by three former
Olympic gymnasts
from Romanio—
including double gold
medalist Lavinia
Milosovici—wha re-
cently posed naked for
a magazine in Asia.
However, the Roma-
nian Gymnastics Fed-
eration didn't see it
that way, and has
banned the women
from refereeing or
coaching at home for
five years. The perfect
10s alsa appeared in a
saft-core video in which
they performed nude
an balance beam. “It
is absalutely normal.
They are entitled ta do
whatever they want
with their bodies,” said
Romanian tennis pro
Ше Nastase, who is
naw head of the Ro-
manian Tennis Federa-
tion. “Personally, I'm
waiting for offers.”
Don't make us,

blast Def Leppard as they move through

traffic. Oh, no. What are we thinking?

That would be a terrible, terrible law.
The criminalization of all direct-mail

jock-jam CDs.

Forcible ingestion of a pound of fudge
for ordering “egg-white only" anything.

When you're on an airplane flying over
Nevada airspace, gambling and prostitu-
tion are legal.

Public censure for any band that puts
a "hidden track" on its CD that starts
more than 10 minutes after the previous
song has ended.

Tollbooth plus asking for directions
equals firing squad. No exceptions

A WEEDY INFIELD

One baseball card we'd definitely
frame is the highly coveted Topps two-
player rookie card featuring pitching
prospects Jung Bong (Braves) and Bran-
don Puffer (Astros), known to its admir-
ers, of course, as the Bong-Pufler card.

FINALLY, SOME FUNNY PAGES

With the recent publication of More
Mirth of a Nation (Harperperennial) and
101 Damnations (Thomas Dunne), editor
Michael Rosen has resolved a modern
reader's longstanding dilemma: how to
find the humorous bits in publications

21

PLAYBOY

22

KEN, HOME SO SOON?

Say hello to Lingerie Barbie. She
wasn’t created for Barbie's preteen
market—those girls have trouble
getting regular clothes on and off
their dolls. This model was made
for Barbie’s aftermarket—adults
who like to see America’s sweet-
heart all dolled up with nowhere to
go, and in her original packaging.

such as The New Yorker (copies of which
sit in guilt-inducing piles nationwide)
and McSweeney's (which everyone knows
about but nobody's seen). In 101 Damna-
tions, Rosen gives neglected humor writ-
ers pages for fresh rants, and in More
Mirth he’s collected the best comic writ-
ing of the past few years, including offer-
ings from PLAYBOY Associate Editor Chip
Rowe and contributors Jamie Malanow-
ski and Robert S. Wieder. A highlight of
the book is "Holy Tango of Poetry" —"if
poets wrote poems whose titles were
anagrams of their names"—by Francis
Heaney. We particularly like Heaney's
“Skinny Domicile by Fmily Dickinson”:

I have a skinny Domicile—

Its Door is very narrow.

"fivill heep—I hope—the Reaper oul
His Soythe—and Bones—and Marrow.

Since Death is not a portly Chap

The Entrance must be thin—
So—when my Final Moment comes—
He cannot wriggle in.

That's why I don't go out that much—
1 cant fil through that Portal.

How dumb—to waste my Social Life
On Plans to be—immortal.

A WOMAN'S EYE VIEW

OF THE MALE ANTENNA
What sort of woman reads Cosmopoli-
tan? The type who makes judgments
about what you're packing. In the recent
piece “What You Can Tell From His
Cell” the signals were made clear: The
more expensive your cell the more likely
you're vain. If you have games on your
cell you are youthful and fun-loving
The flashier the faceplate, the more ex-
troverted and trendy the man, while a
guy who carries a large phone—hence, a
more outmoded one—is a bit clueless
and conservative. Bonus tip: If you use
only a cell phone and have no other
home phone, women take it as a sign
that you avoid commitment. To empha-
size the point, brag about the freedom it
gives you. And to really ram it home, tell

her you like to bang a lot of chicks.

TIPS FOR FIRST-TIMERS

After two years of observing
couples on their first dates. TV’s

ва
\ El
Elimidate creator Alex Duda

has determined that certain male
ploys succeed with the ladies while oth-
ers flop. Among the bad moves: singing
to your date and expounding upon your
fetishes (particularly those involving
feet). Successful first-date suitors, she
says, are those who wear a ban-

а, danna somewhere on their
body and are willing to partic-
@\ T. ipate in goofiness such as mud

ә =

WHY GIRLS SAY YES—REASON #74

Because his wife wouldn't: “I had always shared sparks with her husband.
One day at the beach she told me she wasn't sleeping with him anymore. Then
their dog took off, and | went after it with him. Eventually we stopped to rest.
The surf pounded, He said he wanted me. I said I knew he wasn't getting any.
'Shall we?’ he whispered. Soon we were naked, and he was inside me. The
dog sauntered up as we were getting dressed, snagged my bikini top and took
off toward the wife! | went skinny-dipping as a cover while he walked back.
She wrestled the top from the dog and waded out to me. "You're such a rebel,’

she said. If she only knew. Or perhaps she did,”—J.R.

Stinson Beach, CA

WONDER SCARF

wrestling. Remember these tips next
time you find yourself charming a wait-
ress from Los Angeles who is being
trailed by six guys with a video camera.

NUDE AIRLINES:
FIRST-CLASS ASS

Houston's Castaways Travel milked
terrific PR out of what it billed as the
world's first nude flight, a clothing-
optional chartered Boeing 727-200.
Naked Air will fly from Miami to a Can-
cun nudist spa on May 3. The 170 seats
sold out quickly, which we assume was
due to the safety factor—no worrying
about concealed weapons, and hardly
any luggage to search through. Cast-
aways issued this disclaimer: “Inappro-
priate behavior is not condoned for this
nude flight.” The warning raises the
question of just what exactly qualifies as
inappropriate behavior in an aircraft
packed full of stark-naked people.

HOME SWEET HOOKER

In an effort to reform loose women,
the city council in Padua, Italy has start-
ed an adopt-a-prostitute campaign. A
number of local families are each plan-
ning to take one of the working girls
into their homes as a family member, a
concept that we suspect was more warm-
ly received by husbands than by wives.
How will the girls ever earn their keep?

THE TIP SHEET

Kola Воо: A Sudanese woman now liv-
ing in Los Angeles who claims to have

been forced to serve Osama bin Laden
sexually in 1996. She says the Al Qaeda
creep had a camel-size manhood but was
a control freak who bit during sex, en-
joyed making women cry out with pain,
smelled terrible and had food in his
beard. Maybe it's all fabricated, but
with a name like Kola Boof, who
can resist?

Gamma golf balls: Not some
urban fairway myth, but ac-
tual golf balls zapped with
powerful blasts of gamma ra-
diation from cobalt 60 (the
same stuff used to irradiate
food in some countries) by
MDS Nordion in Montreal.
The balls were shown in test-
ing by Atomic Energy of
Canada, Ltd. to bounce
three to eight percent higher
than untreated balls. Sorry,
Nordion makes only enough
to sell to its employees.

Strap-on of the Month: The
SoloTrek XEV is a one-person, strap-on,
fan-powered flying machine. The proto-
type went on sale on eBay by Trek Aero-
space for around $1 million. Its major
selling point—that it’s designed to carry
a 180-pound person 100 miles at 70
mph—is offset by the drawback that,
since it’s gotten only a few feet off the
ground in tests and the company fears
legal liability, the buyer will have to sign
a contract promising never to try to fly
the damn thing.

Alligator, buffalo, ostrich, rattlesnake
sausage, Spam, jelly beans: Among the 163

a toppings offered by PieWorks, a

small but growing chai; the South.
Dyscalculia: A.k.a. "developmental
arithmetic disorder," a learning disabili-
ty that is to math what dyslexia is
to reading. It is said to affect
up to seven percent of grade
school kids and sometimes
persists for decades. Yes,
this is your official Tip

*Y don’t like
my nipples
showing.
They look
like tar-
gets.”
—Sienna
Guillory

Sheet excuse of ıhe month.

Mole sauce: Top Secret—Schnitzel for
Spies is a new cookbook with recipes and
tales of culinary espionage written by
special agents in the Bundesnachrich-
tendienst, the German version of the CIA.
1f you thought ordinary German cook-
ing was a crime against humanity, you're
in for the wurst.

B.O.tox: Botox, renowned for smooth-
ing facial wrinkles, is now being used
to treat the stuff that causes wrinkled
noses—sweaty armpits.

Route 666: A federal highway that runs

DEVO DAVE’S CONDOM COLLECTION

=

TREATRENTS АУЫСУ

Over the years, former Deva drummer Dave Kendrick

has amassed hundreds af rare condoms. “It started in

1980,” he says. "I saw this great condom package in a

German train station bathraom and | had to have it.” His current favorite is a

Bauhaus-inspired box with a pair af pink lips ("It's lurid and kind of unsexy but

1 love it"). Another is the Mermaid, on envelape pharmacists used to disguise

your purchase. Kendrick most values the Champ, which has a photo of Ted
Williams. Seems apt—the Splendid Splinter always taok care of his bat

23

24

SIGNIFICA,

QUOTE
“The strangest
question I ever got
was, Do I sound
like Lisa Simpson
when I'm having
sex? The answer is
no.”—YEARDLEY
SMITH, WHO PRO-
VIDES THE VOICE OF

LISA SIMPSON

PHATMAN.

‘The amount Nic-
olas Cage received
for selling his
comic book collec-
tion: $1.6 million.
Amount he re-
ceived for Action
Comics #1, Super-
man's 1938 debut:
$86,250.

FLUID DYNAMICS

Number of liters
of bottled water consumed per Amer-
ican during one year: 74. Number of
liters of beer consumed per capita:
83. Number of liters of bottled water
consumed in Austria per person: 75.
Liters of beer: 108. Liters of water per
person consumed in Ireland: 22.
Liters of beer: 153.

FEMME FATALISM
Of all single women in the U.S.
who are living with a man, propor-
tion who do not expect to marry him:
lin4.

STIFF SENTENCE

Maximum number of sex toys,
"simulated sex organs" or items "for
the stimulation of human genital or-
gans" that you can legally possess in
Texas without being charged with
felony “wholesale promotion of ob-
scene devices”: 5.

EXTENDED LAYOVER
Length of time it took United Air-
lines to return Oklahoma Governor
Frank Keating's briefcase after it was
lost ona flight from Washington, D.C.
to Tulsa: 13 years.

THE LOST GENERATION
Percentage of “fighting age” Amer-
icans—18 to 24—that can't find Iraq
on a map: 87. Percentage that can't

NSIGNIFICA, STATS AND FACTS

È find Afghanistan:

83. Percentage that
can’t find Saudi
Aral 76. Per-
centage that can't

put their finger on

New Jersey: 70.

TUBE BOOBS
Percentage of
television viewers
who don't know
what a Nielsen fam-
ily is: 45. Percent-
age who think the
term refers to a
Fifties sitcom: 10.

TIME TO GET DIRTY

As reported by
Dave Barry, num-
ber of states that
“have taken time
out of their busy
schedules to de-
clare an official
state soil": 5 (Maine, Michigan, Ne-
braska, South Dakota, Wisconsin).

SHOCKING NUMBERS

Number of times Brazil is hit by
lightning bolts per year: 70 million.
Where it ranks among the world's na-
tions for such meteorological activity:
1. Average number of Brazilians
Killed by lightning each year: 100.
Percentage of all lightning deaths
worldwide that occur in Brazil: 10.

SHOULD HAVE SEEN THIS COMING
Amount for which two former Jef-
ferson County, Mississippi jurors are
suing 60 Minutes for its report about
exorbitant awards handed out by

Jefferson County jurors: $6 billion.

OLD TOKES HOME
Of the 98 residents of the Clai-
borne County Hospital nursing home
in Tazewell, Tennessee, the number
who recently urine-tested positive for
marijuana: 24.

ROMANCING THE STONE

Asking price for the egg-size, 733-
carat Black Star of Queensland sap-
phire that was recently offered for
sale: $90 million. Number of years
that the owners, thinking it was
worthless, used it as a doorstop on
their veranda: 11. —ROBERT S. WIEDER

inoflensively through Utah and Col-
orado, but also through New Mexico,
which wants to rename its portion be-
cause 666 is the biblical number of the
Antichrist. Seems silly—no matter what
the name, the drive will be hot as hell in
the summer.

Rostromedial prefrontal cortex: According
to researchers at Dartmouth College's
Center for Cognitive Neuroscience, it's
the part of the brain responsible for
driving you nuts with a piece of music
you can't get out of your head. It's a phe-
nomenon known in German, incidental-
ly, as Ohrwurm (“earworm”).

Chiasmus: The technical term for a re-
versal of wording in two otherwise paral-
Jel phrases, such as “Never let a fool
you or a kiss fool you,” “Why do we drive
on the parkway and park in the drive-
way?" (George Carlin) and “It’s not the
men in my life, it’s the life in my men"
(Mae West). And the headline below!

A DRINKING STUDY FOR THOSE
WHO STUDY DRINKING

According to a study of 300 males
published in Annals of Internal Medicine, a
gene known as DD has been linked to
what has previously been slandered as
y.” It turns out that DD,
which occurs in 40 percent of the popu-
lation, is associated with male weight
gain around the waist. DD carriers accu-
mulate more than three times as much
fat around the middle than the DD-free,
regardless of beverage choices. The only
way to celebrate this news is with a nice
cold one or three.

SEX A-PEEL

You can dip it in chocolate or mix it
into a daiquiri, but the sad fact is the

MOON UNIT
|

It looks good in her purse and |
makes her boobs bigger: Designer |
Nicole Miller's stylish new holders
for contraceptive pills, with names
like Red High Heels and Zebra Kiss,
put а new spin on one of modern
life's necessary accessories. The
lunar cycle never

looked so good. Now

if only she could design

shoes with round

heels to match

QD | see "Cha-Ching" in your future,

www SmokersWelcome.com limited to smokers 21 Jf age or older

11 mg. "tar", 0.9 mg. nicotine av. per cigarette by FTC method.
For more product information, visit www.jrLcom.

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Quitting Smoking

Now Greatly Reduces Serious Risks to Your Health.

| R.J, REYNOLDS TOBACCO CO.

QD Splendidly Blended.

wwwSmokersWelcome.com

BAD, BAD DOG

See Harvey the Hound. See him
run. See him how! as Edmonton
Oilers coach Craig MacTavish tears
his foat-long tangue out of his
head and tosses it to the crawd.
Harvey, the mascat for the Calgary
Flames, was subsequently scolded
for taunting MacTavish excessively
during the Flames

victary.

banana may become a victim of agricul
tural science. Apparently the banana
hasn't had sex in years. This dire news
comes from Emile Frison, head of the
International Network for the Improve-
ment of Banana and Plantain in Fı

who says without some biodivers
fruit favorite could fall permanent victim
to diseases and pests currently plaguing
plantations. Frison predicts that if genet-
ic manipulation fails, we'll be slicing kiwi
on our cornflakes in about 10 years.

LOVE POTION NUMBERS
ONE AND TWO

Today men seduce with flowers and
jewelry, while women rely on (among
other things) scent and beauty. It wasn't
always so. Be thankful that you live in
the modern age—the historical record
shows the path of romance has long
been littered with various excretions. To
wit: In first century Rome, Pliny the El-
der made note of an aphrodisiac made
from “urine voided bya bull,” either tak-
en in drink or applied externally to "a
groin well-rubbed with earth.” In 1584
Englishman Reginald Scot claimed that
evenan “old hag” could get herselfa guy
by feeding “unto him to eate (among
other meates) her own dung.” Converse-
ly, to break a love spell, the bewitched
should defecate into his lover's shoe

26 German physician Martin Schurig, the

Dr. Ruth of the 18th century, said you
could gain another's affection by sneak-
ing some of your own dung into their
porridge. This technique echoes many
found in early Christian guidebooks. Ac-
cording to some texts, women who
sought to incite desire in men would re-
sort to rolling bread dough against their
genitalia. One recipe even called for a
woman to place a live fish inside her
vagina until it died. She was then sup-
posed to cook it and feed it to her man to
keep him true. The recipe didn't specify
a fish, but we bet it was red snapper.

IRAQ: BURNING SANDS,
BURNING SEMEN
As if Gulf war veterans didn't have
enough to worry about. Researchers

have diagnosed a new illness among sol-
diers who fought in Desert Storm in
1991: burning semen syndrome. Men
suffering from the condition experience
pain and soreness at the tip of the ре
while their lovers complain of painful
vaginal swelling and burning alter expo-
sure to the semen. Dr. Leonard Bern-
stein of the University of Cincinnati
medical school, co-author of a study
funded by the Army and published in
the journal Obstetrics and Gynecology, pos-
tulates that the soldiers were exposed to
chemicals that may have altered the
composition of the protein in their ejac-
ulate. Researchers recruited subjects for
the study who seemed to share symp-
toms. With only 211 of 697,000 Gulf war
vets currently identified with the syn-
drome, the disease is rare.

BABE OF THE MONTH

Shannyn
Sossamon went
from a pedestal in
A Knight's Tale to
a party mess in
The Rules of At-
traction. Next, she
haunts a priest in
The Order. Is she
versatile? For sure.
"| know 1 could go
the sex symbol
route if | carried
myself differently,”
says Sossamon. "I
have it in me, but
it's not a domi-
nant character-
istic. I'll be

Babe of the
Month for

the guys |

like, but

guys who

have a

cliched

idea about

what a

babe is

would just

glide right

past me.”

Na warries,
Shannyn—

no one is go-

ing to be in

too much of a
hurry to turn

this fine page.

there’s a place

that still waits 18 Y EA

for a whisky. м "
, Й

THE
GLENLIVET

28

novies

PREVIEWS

Hollywood Homicide: Harrison Ford and
Josh Hartnett play detectives who moon-
light in real estate, yoga and acting. How
LA can you get? In no time flat the pair
smokes out a nasty label boss who may
have arranged the murders of a rap
group. They couldn't be playing off such
real-life legends as Tupac, Biggie or
Suge Knight, could they?

Down With Love: Retro canoodling and
zippy banter between a hotshot bache-
lor (Ewan McGregor) and a best-selling
women's advice author (Renée Zellweg-
er) mark this reworking of those tickle-
and-tease Sixties sex comedies starring
Rock Hudson and Doris Day. Chicks
may dig the lacquered hairdos, Tech-
nicolor, split screen and even a big mu-
sical number, but will guys be tempted
to flee the theater for a three-day Jackass
marathon?

Basic: In this stars-and-stripes thriller,
John Travolta (in a role earmarked for
Benicio Del Toro) is a DEA agent who
gets in way over his head investigating
the disappearance of a top-flight drill
sergeant (Samuel L. Jackson) and his
cadets during routine training maneu-
vers. We don't want to ruin the mystery
by revealing any spoilers, but maybe
they're all off watching Travolta and
Jackson in Pulp Fiction. John McTiernan
directed this one—Jet's hope it’s more in
the style of flicks that put him on the
map, like Die Hard, and not his most re-
cent, Rollerball.

Malibu’s Most Wanted: This comedy casts
Jamie Kennedy as a pampered hip-hop

wannabe trying to be
down with the broth-
ers. His politically
ambitious father is so
embarrassed by him
that he hires two ac-
tors (Taye Diggs and
Anthony Anderson)
to impersonate gang-
stas and drop Ken-
nedy off in a tough
hood, where he learns
his street smarts and
romances a brown-
sugar hottie.

Holes: The screen-
ing room buzz has
been good for this
drama, a teen Cool
Hand Luke meets Lord
of the Flies set in a de-
tention camp. Its wild-
cat warden, played to
the hilt by Sigourney Weaver, forces her
young prisoners to dig five-by-five-foot
holes every day as a “character-building
experience.” The cast, headed by new-
comer Shia LaBeouf as a guy who is
falsely sent up for stealing a pair of
sneakers, includes Patricia Arquette and
Tim Blake Nelson. Jon Voight is the
scary-ass Mr. Sir. STEPHEN REBELLO

REVIEWS

BY LEONARD MALTIN

Have you been dying to watch Mena
Suvari sitting on a toilet, struggling to
defecate? Then have I got a movie for
you: Spun. Somehow, a number of good
actors—John Leguizamo, Suvari, Brit-

Hartnett test-drives a Fard.

tany Murphy and Patrick Fugit, plus the
daunting trio of Mickey Rourke, Eric
Roberts and Peter Stormare—were
talked into participating in this grimy
look at people living among the dregs of
the drug scene. Some may find merit in
its nonjudgmental portrait of this scum-
my milieu, or in director Jonas Aker-
lund's cutting-edge presentation. I could
barely get myself to watch this irre-
deemable piece of crap.

Here's another question for you: If
you picked up a public phone and some-
опе started to threaten you, would you
listen or simply hang up and walk away?
Phone Booth is built around the notion
that streetwise press agent and hustler

COMING SOONER OR LATER . . .

3) ight after the new year, a billboard with an image of the
Ё Hulk's green fist and the legend 620-08 went up outside
Universal Studios in Los Angeles. Warner Bros. bought ad
time during the Super Bowl to hawk the release of The Ma-
trix Reloaded on May 15 and The Matrix: Revolutions on No-
vember 7. Never mind that Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle has
repeatedly gone back into production to shoot additional
scenes; Sony has set June 27 as the movie's opening day,
and there’s no turning back.
These announcements are
standard procedure now for
studio “tentpole releases,”
movies that literally hold up
the whole year's release slate.
This not only places tre-
mendous pressure on the
filmmakers, who have immov-
able deadlines, but also on the
studios, who pay heavily for
overtime and often have to
hire outside special-effects

Fishburne, Reeves gather Moss.

houses to pick up the slack in tardy postproduction sched-
ules. Unfortunately, this echoes an old axiom from the
B-movie factories: "Don't make it good, make it Tuesday.”
In the age of blockbusters and megamarketing, movie
release dates are not to be trifled with. When industry pun-
dits chided the Disney company for releasing its animated
Treasure Planet so close to the opening of the studio's other
family-friendly film, The Santa Clause 2, last year, one exec-
utive candidly admitted that
the company had no choice be-
cause it had been fixed to tie in

with a McDonald's campaign.
If you think that sounds silly,
you don't understand how the
i works in the
21st century. Key dates for
2004 have been announced
(for the Spider-Man sequel, Mis-
sion: Impossible 3, Shrek 2, etc.)
and even 2005, when we can
look forward to Star Wars:
Episode III on the weekend be-

fore Memorial Day. —LM

THE DEFINITIVE DIE-CAST MODEL OF THE SOLDIER'S BEST FRIEND. А
ASSEMBLED BY HANDIN 1:24 SCALE FROM OVER 125 SEPARATE PARTS.

Е INTRICATELY DETAILED ENGINE ROTATING ARMAMENT
— = f
‘KS Ta

Engine detail so precise that even the
smallest elements stand outin perfect clarity.

Equipped with scale size TOW missiles
with armament ring that rotates a full 360:

Loaded with true-to-life working features, including functional
suspension and pivoting armament ring. Fully authorized and
authenticated by AM General Corporation, makers of the Humuee?

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PLAYBOY

Colin Farrell does not hang
up but instead allows him-
self to be drawn into the
mind games of a faceless
assassin who seems to
know all Farrell's failings.
Because the premise is so
shaky, it’s difficult to make
an emotional investment
in this film, which grows
more tiresome by the min-
ute. Director Joel Schu-
macher empties his bag of
wicks trying to maintain
tension and excitement,
but even with actors like
Farrell, Forest Whitaker
and Kiefer Sutherland, he
can do only so much.
Because Robert Duvall is
passionate about the tango
and apparently feels the same way about
Luciana Pedraza, he has combined his
interests by writing, directing and
ring with her in Assassination Tango. Du-
vall plays a hit man who lives comfort-
ably in Brooklyn with girlfriend Kathy
Baker and her daughter until he has to
leave it all behind to take an out-of-town
job. His assignment takes
him to Argentina,
where he is forced to
play a waiting game
in order to bump off
a military leader.
With time on his
hands, he ex-
plores the
local clubs

and becomes enamored of a beautiful
dancer who introduces him not only to
the finer points of the tango but to many
of its living legends. This movie comes
close to earning the tag of vanity film,
but I like tango and Duvall in roughly
equal measure, so 1 found it watchable.
Director Christopher Guest has re-
assembled the gang from Waiting for
Guffman and Best in Show (including Fred
Willard, Catherine O'Hara and Parker
Posey) for another deadpan mockumen-
tary, about a less-than-harmonious re-
union of Sixties folk music stars. Along
with co-conspirator Eugene Levy, he
manages to poke fun without being mean-
spirited. A Mighty Wind is a consistently
funny—dare I say—breath of fresh air.

__ SCENE STEALER

SCORE CARD

capsule close-ups of current films
by leonord maltin

Assassination Tango Robert Duvall in-
dulges his love for the tango in this
drawn-out story of a hit man who has
time to kill in Argentina before taking
his shot. YY
Daredevil Ben Affleck is just right as
the blind lawyer with heightened
senses who crusades for justice in
lively adaptation of the Marvel comi
book. Jennifer Garner makes a sexy
partner. wy
The Life of David Gale Kevin Spacey is
terrific as a man on death row who in-
vites reporter Kate Winslet to tell his
story—and prove his innocence. For
once, director Alan Parker doesn't
drown his material with flashy tech-
nique. Laura Linney co-stars. ¥¥¥
A Mighty Wind Christopher Guest
scores again with his Best in Show gang
as veterans of the Sixties folk music
scene staging a reunion. Wu:
Old School Luke Wilson, Will Ferrell
and Vince Vaughn squeeze all the
laughs they can out of this amiable
but underwhelming comedy about
30-somethings who try to escape their
humdrum lives by starting their own
fraternity. ууу
Poothall Junkies Newcomer Mars Calla-
han co-wrote, directed and stars in
this scattershot film about a young
man who wants to become a profes-
sional pool player but winds up a hus-
tler. Chazz Palminteri co-stars, but it's
Christopher Walken who brings the
film to life—all too briefly. yy
Phone Booth Colin Farrell picks up a
ringing pay phone and falls into the
clutches of a faceless adversary who
threatens to kill him if he hangs up.
There's only one thing wrong with
this well-cast film—it doesn't make
any sense. y
The Recruit Al Pacino takes Colin Far-
rell and Bridget Moynahan through
CIA training and warns them that
nothing is what it seems. The twists
keep coming in this thriller, and the
stars have charisma to spare, but the
final surprise comes so far from left
field that it’s a letdown. Wh
Shanghai Knights Jackie Chan and
Owen Wilson reteam in Victorian
England, but this manufactured se-
quel to Shanghai Noon is stale and
strained, except when Jackie goes in-
to action. yy
Spun John Leguizamo, Brittany Mur-
phy and Mena Suvari head the cast of
this pointless, often disgusting film
about druggies. Cutting-edge? Cut
me a break! ¥

¥¥ Worth a look
¥ Forget it

YYYY Don't miss
¥¥¥ Good show

Although he is
best known for
such interna-
tional projects
as A Room
With a View,
Indian-born
producer and
director Ismail
Merchant finds
he spends time
watching films
that explore the
American ex-
perience. “My favorite is still Gone With
the Wind. Then there's Billy Wilder's Sun-
set Bouleverd and Some Like It Hot. And
I'm quite fond of Hal Ashby's film about
Woody Guthrie, Bound for Glory. More re-
cently I've enjoyed Steven Soderbergh's
work, particularly Sex, Lies and Videotape
and Treffic. Of the European directors, |
love the films of François Truffaut—they
are just magical. | can always watch The
400 Blows and Jules and Jim with Jeanne
Moreau.” —LAURENGE LERMAN

HEAVEN HELP US

Jim Carrey is endowed with omnipo-
tence by God himself—played by Mor-
gan Freeman—in this month's comedy
Bruce Almighty. Freeman isn't the first per-
son to play the man upstairs, and Carrey
isn’t the first to be charged with heaven-
ly powers.

Dogma (1999): Kevin Smith's irreverent
challenge of Catholicism was called blas-
phemous when it was released. But
where was the outcry over the casting of
whiny Alanis Morissette as God?

Michael (1996): What the hell? Horny,
beer-drinking, chain-smoking, potbel-
lied John Travolta has a devil of a time as
an archangel “vacationing” in Lowa. Just
don't ask to pull on his wings

Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey (1991): The
dudes meet the Grim Reaper and stuff,
and then they meet Einstein, Confucius
and God and have to answer a really
hard question before they can return to
earth, Most excellent!

The Ropture (1991): A kid predicts the end
of the world, and voracious bisexual Mi-
mi Rogers, dang the luck, gets religion—
not a minute too soon. Director Mi-
chael Tolkin deftly blends the sacred and
profane in this underappreciated super-
natural drama.

Gabriel and Me (2001): Apparently, angels
in the UK dress like glam rock stars.
Scottish comedian Billy Connolly an-
swers a boy's prayers with silver toenails
and eye makeup.

Manna From Heaven (2001): A suburban
family finds $20,000 on their lawn, and
they badly need the dough. Years later
the family learns it was just a loan from
God and payback is due—or else. Would
you take a check, big guy?
The Butcher Boy (1997): This harrowing
psychological drama follows a boy's de-
scent into madness, culminated by a vis-
it from Sinéad O'Connor as the Virgin
Mary. You'd go crazy, too.
Oh, God! (1977): George Burns appears
to grocery store manager John Denver
and tells him to spread his word, for he
is God. Naturally, they both wind up in
court, where God delivers the best line
as he's sworn in: "So help me, me."
Whistle Down the Wind (1961): Farmer's
daughter Hayley Mills mistakes Alan
Bates for Jesus when really he's a mur-
derer hiding in her family's barn. Must
have been the beard.
Life of Brian (1979): Brian of Nazareth
spends his short life denying he's the
Messiah, even telling his fanatic follow-
ers, in un-Messiah-like terms, to fuck ofl
response: "How shall we fuck off,
á —BUZZ MCCLAIN

DISC ALERT

Don't confuse The Ring—director Gore
Verbinski's surprise 2002 horror hit
about a videotape that kills its viewers
with J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord of the Rings
trilogy. The source for the horror film
is Köji Suzuki, known as the Japanese
Stephen King. His novel was adapted in
1998 by director Hideo Nakata into the

GUILTY
PLEASURE

The International
Erotic Colle
($110; Wellspring

Media) boxes six

tasteful (honest!)

NC-17 and unrat-

ed discs about

sex by filmmakers
from around the world:
Pola X (1999; kissing your sister can be
fun, Deneuve nude!), Erotique (1994; trilo-
gy of sex-obsessed stories, Chinese love-
making techniques), Lies (1999; S&M in a
May-December romance), L'Ennui (1998;
obsessive sex raises important questions—
really!), A Real Young Girl (2000; worms on
vaginas, banned in France) and In the Realm
of the Senses (1976; you've heard about
the ending, now see it). That's a lot of porn,
artful enough for your top shelf. Fittingly, it
comes in a "peekaboo" box. —8M

film Ringu, which has been released si-
multaneously with The Ring on DVD

(both from Dreamwo $30 and $27,
respectively). Nakata's subtle work is a
masterpiece of eerie theater, and its ef
fect is all the more surprising when you
consider that it was produced for TV.
Nakata fleshed it out for a Japanese the
atrical release, which was so successful it
spawned two sequels and lots of Ringu
merchandise. Not to take anything away
from Verbinski's work, but one should
not miss the original. —GREGORY P FAGAN

GHETTO LIFE

B Mile (Eminem: The Movie proves every bit as exhilarating as
his records; here's hoping it's not his Purple Rain peak), Em-
pire (illicit-drug whiz John Leguizamo goes legit, only to dis-
cover the evils of the light side; clichéd but sharp).

All or Nothing (director Mike Leigh's latest finds a working-
class British fomily rising in crisis: finely nuanced), Personal ve-
locity (Parker Posey, Fairuza Balk and Kyra Sedgwick chew on
life's inevitability; well-drawn 2002 Sundance fave)

Moonlight Mile (Jake Gyllenhaal, getting over his fiancée's
death by living with her parents. meets a new girl; oddly joy-
ful), Sordid Lives (Del Shores adapts his play about sisters
planning their mother’s funeral; a celebration of denial).

Roger Dodger (Gotham adman Campbell Scott takes his
nephew under his rakish wing for a night; witty and fun),
Jackass: The Movie (Johnny Knoxville's can-you-lop-this gross-
fest bolts МТУ for the big screen: vulgor and amusing).

All cleaned up for DVD: In a Lonely Place (Gloria Grahame
offers suspected killer Humphrey Bogart an alibi but won-
ders. . . .), Day for Night (Francois Truffaut's seminal 1973
satire of moviemaking—a Foreign Language Oscar winner).

31

32

Dunen best songwriter in America by
Time magazine in 2001, Lucinda Williams
lives up to the title on World Without Tears
(Lost Highway), a collection of country-
infused rock. The boozy concoction of
road-weary vocals, uncensored lyrics and
sex-drenched guitars makes it seem as if
she's crooning just for you.
—ALISON PRATO

Cobra Verde has
been making decep-
tively contrary rock
for years. There's
more to CV's latest,
Easy Listening (Muscle
Tone), than is sug-
gested by the surface
pastiche of Iggy. Ziggy
and Roxy (and Jimmy
Webb). Dig past the
artifice and glam affec-
tation, and you'll find plenty of hard-
driving nihilism and sarcasm.

LEOPOLD FROEHLICH

The Music topped charts in the UK
with their debut EP, You Might as Well Try
to Fuck Me, and now they're poised to rip
up the States. Their beautiful, self-titled
Music (Capitol) evokes Zeppelin and the
Cure, and not
since Chris Cor-
nell has a singer
glided easily be-
tween gorgeous
melodies and
mirror-cracking
screams. — —AP.

When hip-hop
seems clichéd,
someone comes
along to save it. On Selling Live Water (An-
ticon), Sole doesn't pose or front; he lets
loose a barrage of words over creepy
beats. This is the future of hip-hop.—L r

Harry Choates was a Cajun master
who died too young. Devil in the Bayou
(Bear Family) is a two-CD survey of an
unrepentant honky-tonk fiddler. There's

fast tracks

The Avril La-
vigne computer virus, which promises
photos of the singer, is the cyberworld's
way of saying she has arrived. Her first
major headlining tour of North Amer-
ica will be going strong into
mid-May.
Along with his PBS se-
ries on the blues, director
Martin Scorsese will produce
a blues concert film with
Aaron Neville, Dr. John, Mavis
Staples, Robert Cray and Keb’
Mo!, among others. . . . Jen-
nifer Lopez will play a wom-
an down on her luck in

great rough-hewn music
on The Essential Adam Hebert Cajun Music
Collection (Swallow). Hebert's singing will
break your heart LE

Twenty-Six Mixes for Cash (Warp) shows
Aphex Twin's weird genius as a forensic
musician. Richard James doesn't do con-
ventional remixes: In order to save these
songs, he destroys them کے‎

On More Parts per Million (Sub Pop), the
Thermals smear distorted vocals over
Sonic Youth guitar noise—all within spar-
tan pop-song structures. The sound is
thoroughly modern. The Thermals might
melt your stereo. —TIM MOHR

Alpinestars take an eclectic approach
on their second album, mixing electron-
ics with live instrumentation and adding
vocals. Aunospherics on White Noise (As-
tralwerks) deftly balance disparate ele-
ments, from electro to chill.out —tm.

The last pumpkin has been smashed
and Billy Corgan is on a giddy honey-
moon with his new supergroup, Zwan.
Mary Stor of the Seo (Reprise) features Cor-
gan leading Zwan through 14 expertly
arranged tracks. It's postmodern arena
rock at its best. —AP

an Buhrmester | Froehlich

ars

Connected 7 5 6 7 2

Easy List 7 6 9 ТА 9

AFL

Sing the Sorrow 4 9 5 4 7
1 6 2 1 8
8 8 5 8 7

Lasse Hallstróm's An Unfinished Life. . . .

Crown is publishing an
unauthorized bio of Eminem titled What-
euer You Say 1 Am. . . . Metallica's T-shirt
designer has launched a line of baby
clothes that parody those sold at con-
certs. Instead of Sabbath, Bloody Sab-
bath, parents can buy Nappeth, Baby
Nappeth. Go to metalbabies.com for
more. . . . Thirteen half hours of The
Electric Lounge, 2 TV show with pro-
files of disc jockeys and musicians, de-
buted this year ata programming con-
vention. . . . Monkee business: Micky
Dolenz is starring in a touring perfor-
mance of Elion's Aida.— BARBARA NELLIS

AFI flipped from a mediocre SoCal
punk band to a fascinating goth-tinged
rock group. On Sing the Sorrow (Dream-
works) they harness hard-core energy in
layered melodies and guitar riffs. Even
the subtle moments will have devoted
fans in the pit — JASON BUHRMESTER

James Chance, the confrontational
saxophonist, blended Albert Ayler with
Captain Beefheart. He also ridiculed
concertgoers for not dancing to his funk
The boxed set Irresistible Impulse (1 iger
Style) covers one of the most influential
punk contributors. ув

Even at his most earnest, it's hard to
believe that Jason Molina, the one-man
indie act known as Songs: Ohia, will ev-
er turn his melan-
choly around. The
Magnolia Electric Co.
(Secretly Canadi-
an) hints at a so-
phisticated artist
who's only begin-
ning to plumb
his depth. —рв

Despite its
overuse, sound-
scape is an apt
description of the Lothars' music—
vistas of sound that are more atmo-
sphere than plot. On their new CD, Con-
nected (Wobbly Music), they w
ness and beauty from such instr
as the hammer dulcimer and the the-
remin. The live improvisations sound
like elegies for Martians, or love songs
for robots. —ANAHEED ALANI

In the lo-fi tradition of the Mountain
Goats and Will Oldham, the Baptist
Generals’ No Silver/No Gold (Sub Pop)
shuns flashy production values in favor
of smart, brash displays of anger and
vulnerability: —AA.

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hbuckle in an eye patch, it's main-

taining the delicate relationships with World's Scariest Police Chases 2 (PlayStation 2, Xbox): As a sort of flip side to
your scurvy band of cutthroats. In Trop- Grand Theft Auto, this game puts you in high-speed pursuits, but on the right
ico 2, plundering is the cornerstone of a side of the law. Like the television show that inspired it, WSPC2 lets
thriving economy as you develop your REINO
own island, cultivate crew loyalty and ЩЕК
add to your stockpile of wenches and hardened felons.
parrots. To avoid a revolt, plan on pro- Use multiplayer
viding plenty of rum, cigars and casinos mode to bust your
to entertain pirates between pillaging buddies and relive
s. Having skillful cooks and native the takedown with
girls around doesn't hurt either. If that an instant replay.

doesn't work, try hanging a few skele- MEC
tons up in a public place to remind them
of the grim fate that awaits trouble-
makers. Once you start earning gold, you

will run up the Jol- Chase mode
ly Roger on bigger ШЕЕ
ships, hire worthy ТЗ
captains and send ТИТЕ
your crew on longer co a casc of Schlitz.
and more danger- GEN —ss

ous missions. It's Y
like the Sims, only
with more peg legs.

—SCOTTSTEINBERG

Winning Eleven 6 (PlayStation 2): Thi
acclaimed soccer franchise has already
stormed through Europe and Japan like
Post Mortem (PC); hooligans at last call but is only now de-
buting Stateside. Choose from 54 na-
tional teams and 40 club teams in five
game modes. Sharpen your slide tackle
in the training mode and then take to
the pitch (that's field, Yank) with smart
computer-controlled teammates. Just
don't hog the ball—the game rates your
teamwork
The Master
League mode
puts you in
management,
where you'll
screw players

GAME BOY ADVANCE SP
First it was Game Boy Advance
Then Platinum Game Boy Advance
hit store shelves. Now Nintendo
wants us to pony up for Game Boy
Advance SP, yet another redesign of
the handheld gaming system. The
latest Game Boy version's illuminat-
ed flip-up screen makes it
easier to play in poor light-
ing conditions, and the
silver clamshell design
gives the gaming de-
vice a more grown-up
look on the subwa

han tê originals. SS
neon-purple cas-

Private eye Gus
MacPherson comes
out of retirement
in Twenties Paris to
help a dark and
mysterious woman
solve the gruesome
murders of her
ter and brother-in-
law. As MacPherson,
dig up evidence and clues, solve
puzzles and interrogate snooty French
suspects (who provide a decent who-
dunit despite some cheesy voice-acting)

: : F thei ©
As it turns out, the ritualistic executions out of their ing. Now all &
and beheadings are serial killings rooted 5 salaries and | you need is z^ Go
in ancestral mystic beliefs. It confirms steal stars from other squads. Maybe it's to geta job 5

what we already know: Goth girls arein- not that different from American sports ($100).

to some scary stuff. —MARCSALTZMAN after all JASON BUHRMESTER

CG

HIGH SCORE: DESIGNER VIDEO GAME DRUGS

We were somewhere around Vice City when the drugs begon to
take hold. Every decent subculture needs its own brain-altering
substances, sa it was only о matter of time before gamers got
theirs. Maxx Impulse, NeuroCharge ond Aftermath

($20 to $30 a bottle) ore "customized herbal formu-

los for the active lifestyle,” promised by

MindFX Science to improve video game

playing. | grabbed a fistful of pills ond

an ormful of games and kicked open А
hades el perepien. to see any improvement.

Doy one: Just gobbled my first doses Verdict: After cooling off with on Aftermath pill (designed to help
of Maxx Impulse and NeuraCharge. gamers downshift after adrenaline-pumping play), 1 conclude that
Both promise on increase in perfor- the contents of all these pills—ginseng, guarana and ginkgo bilo-
monce for “video game ployers, dort — bo— do little to improve gaming abilities. I'm switching back ta the

enthusiasts, chess professionals and Шево! kind. —DARREN GLADSTONE

athletes.” | keep о friend around lo resuscitate me in case | flatline.
Nothing happens except for his kicking my ass at Halo.

Day two: | down another dose ond wait to be transformed into o
supergamer. | seize o controller, fire up Madden 2003 and, despite
the pills, get beaten like an anorexic ot o pie-eating contest.

End of week one: I've been popping pills like Matthew Perry and
the only thing that’s changed is the color of my urine. According to
the folks ot MindFX Science, it can take from two days to two weeks

33

WHERE AND HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 156

IB

Robert Stone's Bay of Souls I
(Houghton Mifflin) shows the
author іп a stylistic languor as f
narcotic as the Caribbean is-
land on which the story takes
place. A college professor is
content with his sedate fami-
ly life until a kinky co-work-
er arrives on campus. They
decide to meet on her na-
tive island for a week of
S&M, but before he can
unpack the whips, she re-
veals the real reason for
the trip: She intends to
reclaim her soul from a
voodoo priestess. Oh, she
needs a small favor, too.
Before he arrived, she unw
tingly became involved in drug
smuggling. To save her from some dealers, he
dives into the ocean to retrieve a stash from a
crashed plane. The plot is unlikely, even pre-
posterous, but it's still more fun than vaca-
tioning with your family, —РАТТҮ LAMBERTI

We live by this precept: If you're playing po-
ker and you don't know who the sucker is, it's

|
IA you. In Play Poker Like the Pros (Quill), 1989
World Series of Poker champion Phil Hell-

muth Jr. offers can't-lose advice that includes a list of top 10
hands, tips on how to read opponents and smart tactics for

"AGNIFICENT
OBSESSIONS

Two Brits who
own o second-
hand record
shop put their
obsession for
old LPs to good
use in Naked
Vinyl (Uni-
verse), o collec-
fion of sexy ol-
bum covers
sponning five
decades. We
opplaud Tim
O'Brien and Mike
Sovage's enthusi-
osm for moking sure
this piece of erotic
vinyl
heaven

raising, bluffing and folding. He even shows
you how to clean up the table in seven-card
stud and Omaha. —JASON BUHRMESTER

Popular legend paints controversial music-
downloading service Napster as a virtual
people's revolution quashed by the record-
ing industry. The startling revelation in
Joseph Menn's All the Rave: The Rise and Fall
of Shawn Fanning’s Napster (Crown) is that
what really killed Napster was greed and
mismanagement. Higher-ups repeatedly
turned down deals from the music industry
that could have kept the application alive.
Menn's book is a slow read, but it lays out the story without
missing a beat —ANAHEED ALANI

all the rave

Comedy is no laughing matter in Gerald Nachman's Seriously
Funny: The Rebel Comedians of the 1950s and 1960s (Pantheon),
which profiles pioneers such as Mort Sahl, Sid Caesar, Phyl-
lis Diller, Dick Gregory, Woody Al-
len and Lenny Bruce. Nachman la-
ments that comics of the Fifties were
dismissed as innocent, and that Six-
ties comedy was overshadowed by
civil unrest. Despite obstacles, these
entertainers caused a satirical upris-
ing that continues to influence to-
day's marquee comics. Nachman
notes this history, but he should
have taken a cue from his heroes
and lightened up. —ALISON PRATO

DARK
STAR

SAFARI

.

As good as his
novels can be,
Paul Theroux
is best when he writes
about travel. With his latest book he re-
turns to Africa, where he got his start as a
writer nearly 40 years ago. Dark Star Safari
(Houghton Mifflin) details his journey
from Cairo to Capetown. En route we
meet Jamaican Rastafarians in Ethiopia, a
rat-faced Malawi border official and a
Lithuanian who has moved from Vilnius
to South Africa. When Theroux returns to
Uganda he finds the promise of inde-
pendence corrupted and the populace decimated by AIDS
Yet even there he sees indomitable human spirit. Dark Star Sa-
fari reveals the mystery of Africa, a continent of incredible dis-
parity and r —LEOPOLD EROEHLICH

perfunctory exercises in nos-
talgia. Walter looss’ Clas:
Baseball (Abrams) is certainly
nostalgic, yet it captures the
timelessness of the sport
looss, staff photographer for
Sports Illustrated, is heavy on
y York teams, but oth
subjects include Bob Gibson
on the mound and Brooks
14. looss’
photos are still fresh.

DISTINCTIVE SINCE 1953

| Hef says drink responsibly.

36

INTERNATIONAL BOOB TUBES
Since Playboy TV's 1995 debut in Ja-

pan, other international versions of it
have been launched in 50 countries.
Now the planet is bursting with sexed-
up couch potatoes.
We talked with Doug-
las Lindquist, net-
works executive vice
president at Playboy
TV International, to
find out what kinds
of programs are be-
ing screened—and
banned—overseas.
“We have to select the
material that works
best in each country,”
Lindquist reports.
Here's the lowdown:

Long Live Wankers:
Michelle Thorne and
Elen Cole host SXTV,
a live version of Night
Calls that has become
the United King-
dom's most popular
televised sex show.
"Outlandish requests
for bizarre sexual
activity are never
turned down," Lind-
quist says. "In the United States a lot of
callers are women or couples having sex.
In the UK many of the callers are good
old boys who are touching themselves—
we call them wankers. The show is about
exhibitionism and satisfaction, so or-
gasms are encouraged."

Billy Glic ril Flowers

ru Berrymore Ryan Idol

ive Cummings
Lix Holly Hollywood Dale DaBon:
msalot
alli Co
Anna Mall
‚el De'Nyle
xington Steele

od)

ong

Belladonna Micha

a4 ее

a

Oui, Oui, Ouil: French viewers adore
Night Calls: Allo les Filles, starring Nomi,
Asia and Dolly the Internet surfer. On
French TV, bare breasts are common,
but sex is not allowed to be shown before
10:30 r.m. After midnight, anything goes.

Left: Night Calls: Allo
les Filles stars Nomi,
Asio and Dolly. Be-
low: Playmotes No-
tolia Sokolova and
Jami Ferrell celebrate
the lounch of Playboy
TV in Hong Kong.
Right: In the UK

Michelle Thorne ond
Elen Cole host SXTV.

wed cé
wen m

Banzai—Hair Be Gone!: Just about any-
thing goes in Japanese adult movies—
schoolgirl fantasies, bukkake, even what
is sometimes construed as nonconsensu-
al sex. But our friends from the land of
the rising sun draw the line at hair . .

down there. "In Japan it's acceptable,

Alysin Chaynes

Angelica Sinn

herry Rain

Carolyn Monroe

for example, to show a teacher having
sex with a student," Lindquist says.
“Plenty of off-the-wall themes are OK,
as long as they edit out all of the pubic
hair. That is one rule that simply can-
not be broken.”

avions Dig Tall Drinks of Wa-
ter: Everyone on Scandinavian Playboy
TV looks just like 1997 Playmate of the
Year Victoria Silvstedt: six feet tall and
blonde. This is a good thing

Group Sex, Taiwan-Style: In Taiwan a
woman watching a man and a woman
making love is considered group sex
“We've had to cut scenes like that out of
some programs,” Lindquist says.

WHAT'S YOUR
FAVORITE MOVIE
SEX SCENE?

Julia Ann, host of Naughty Amateur
Home Videos: “The music and doncing
numbers in Moulin Rouge are super-
sexy. But my favorite is from Nine and
a Half Weeks. Kim Basinger is in the rain,
aman,

having sex under

a stairwell with

key Rourke

ls raw sex. With-

out drama, whot's

sex? There has to

be some kind of

high. It can't just

be,

nice ass.”

'You have a

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MERRITT CABAL WINS
CYBER GIRL OF THE YEAR

It was an arduous task, but in the end,
after evaluating hundreds of beautiful
nude women, members of the Playboy
Cyber Club selected Merritt Cabal to be
our 2003 Cyber Girl of the Year.
Merritt, a native of New Orleans
whose family tree goes back as
far as Louis XIV, likes the notion
of descending from royalty. You
probably wouldn't recognize the
princess at her day job, though—
running her own construction
firm. We watched Merritt shed
her hard hat (and everything else)
at Las Alamandas, a 1500-acre re-
sort in Jalisco, Mexico. During the
photo shoot we learned one thing:

Our Cyber Club members made
the right decision—Merritt is as
gregarious as she is gorgeous

Q: You're a former Hooters girl.

Did your regulars really come in
for the wings?

A: Yes, I swear. The food is real-
ly quite good

Q: Do you still have your Hoot-
ers outfit?

A: 1 do. My boyfriend tells me
that if I misbehave, he's going to
send me packing in my little or-
ange shorts.

Q: Does your boyfriend have
any sexy nicknames for you?

A: He calls me Squirrel.

Q: We guess that will have to do.

What were you like in high school?

A: I was the cheerleader type—I was
popular and outgoing. You wouldn't
guess, but my appearance in PLAYBOY
surprised everyone.

Q: Did you date a lot of football play-
ers in high school?

A: No, I had one boyfriend through-
out that entire period.

Q: Growing up in the Big Easy, were
you surrounded by sex?

A: Not really. We lived in a suburb, so
I wasn't exposed to that whole French
Quarter scene. That's not to say that I
haven't seen more debauchery than most

"md

г

people. To be honest, nothing shocks me
anymore.

Q: If you had to choose between sex,
drugs and rock and roll, which one
would you pick?

A: Sex. It's euphoric, like a drug.

Q: What would we be surprised to
find out about you?

A: Lam quite reserved. No, seriously!

50TH ANNIVERSARY PLAYMATE SEARCH

The search is on for our 50th Anniversary Playmate.
We've teamed up with Jillian's Entertainment Multiplex
Centers (jillians.com) to host search parties across the
country. Think your girl's birthday suit is 50th Anniver-
sary material? To give you an idea of how life-chang-
ing the title can be, we called Jaime Bergman, our
45th Anniversary Playmate. As yau know, Jaime par-
layed her Playmate status into a starring role in a hit
TV show, Son of the Beach, and a high-profile mar-
riage ta Angel star David Boreanaz. "Even as a little
girl, | wondered how it would feel to be a Playmate,’
she says. "Here | от, living the dream." If you know
a knackout who would like to make her awn Cen-
terfald aspirations a reality, tell her to lag on to
Playboy.com/SOthsearch for more infarmation.

Q: What is the biggest mistake guys
make with women?

A: Lying. Guys who lie to impress us
only turn us off. Do they really think
we're that stupid? And the lies are usual-
ly so transparent. My advice is to always
be yourself and act natural.

Q: What other sorts of things can men
learn from women?

A: They can learn to be more atten-
tive. Women are naturally more atten-
tive to the needs of others. Men—take
note: Our needs matter, too.

Q: Are you comfortable in your new
role as a sex symbol?

A: I don't think about it. It’s hard to
perecive yourself as other people sce
you. I will admit that all the attention is
definitely flauering and the fan letters
are nice.

Q: What one thing always puts you
in the mood?

A: I can get completely turned on by
the faint smell of a guy's cologne. The
subtle scent on skin can be very powerful
and overwhelming. Don't overdo it with
cologne, though—that can have the op-
posite effect.

Q: Bedroom attire: a lace teddy or
nothing at all?

A: Nothing at all. Less is more.

Q: Is there a woman in Hollywood
you find sexy?

A: Ashley Judd. She is funny, beautiful
and successful,

Q: What makes a guy sexy?

A: A nice ass doesn't hurt.

To see Merritt's new CGOY pictorial, click
on to Playboy.com. If your girl wants to be
the next Cyber Girl, tell her to check out
Playboy.com/cybergirl.

HOW TO BLOW IT
AT THE PLAYMATE
SEARCH

1. Bring in head shats that were tak-
en by R. Kelly.

2. Wax in the shape of a Rabbit Head.

3. Use SpangeBob SquarePants Band-
Aids ta cover yaur tattaos.

4. Tan until yau're a delectable shade
af arange.

5. Talk incessantly abaut yaur breast-
reduction scars.

6. Spend your lunch eating chicken
wings and fighting with yaur pimp.

7. Ask, "If | became a Playmate, do I
get to meet Larry Flynt?”

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40 or ignored),

By ASA BABER

WHISTLE-BLOWERS have been in the news
lately, especially the brave people who
risked their careers to expose corruption
at Enron and Worldcom. Many of their
stories are public knowledge, proof that
capitalism can sometimes regenerate
and correct itself under the glare of un-
wanted publicity.

Whether they are personally popular
or not, whistle-blowers can be necessary
cleansing agents in the sewers of organi-
zational malfeasance. When they are
proved right, they should be honored,
not despised; promoted, not suppressed.
Their courage and outspokenness are
often all that stand between survival and
bankruptcy.

But have you ever wondered whether
we have whistle-blowers inside the most
secret agencies of our U.S. govern-
ment—and what would happen to them
if they uncovered mismanagement or
corruption at the top? Do spooks whistle,
and if they do, are they heard and ac-
knowledged inside their own bureaucra-
cies? Or does the intelligence business
consist of agencies that are more rigid
and less flexible toward their whistle-
blowers than public corporations are?
(Wouldn't that be ironic?)

Years before the event we now call
9/11, were there stouthearted spooks
who tried to blow the whistle as they sent.
warnings to their leadership about the
birth and growth of Islamic terrorist net-
works in Europe? Did those same spooks
predict an attack on the U.S.? Were
our intelligence agencies blindsided by
the events of 9/11, as some people claim,
or did the top dogs ignore or suppress
infractions?

On September 11, an event known in
some circles as Clusterfuck Central (and
one that still hasn't been explained to
the public with a thorough government
investigation), 19 terrorists, using prim-
itive weapons and profiting from the
shrewd and patient planning of their
leaders, took over four U.S. airliners and
turned them into cruise missiles. To
quote Paul Bremer, former U.S. ambas-
sador-at-large for counterterrorism,
"September 11 was a dramatic failure of
intelligence on a colossal scale not seen
since Pearl Harbor." (Bremer has also
said, "We have to kill the terrorists be-
fore they come here and kill us." I've
never communicated with him, but he
definitely my kind of guy.)

The question of 9/11, of what we knew
and when we knew it, of spooks who had
been in the field for years, taking high
risks to surveil the bad guys, continually
conveying what is called "ground truth”
to their superiors (only to be dismissed
home with me. I am

WHEN
SPOOKS WHISTLE

certain there were whistle-blowers in the
9/11 fiasco. just as there were whistle-
blowers before the Vietnam war. But
whistle-blowers do not fare well under
the sclerotic leadership of our nation's
intelligence offici

My roots as an intelligence junkie run
deep. As a child I was fascinated by tales
of espionage. Later I was asked by one of
my mentors—a man high in the ranks of
the Central Intelligence Agency—to ap-
ply to his shop for employment. “They
don't teach you how to pick locks at
Princeton,” he used to joke. 1 was in the
Marine Corps at the time, and I consid-
ered his offer seriously.

My mentor had been a journalist who
covered the rise of Adolf Hitler in Ger-
many in the Thirties. He was one of the
last foreign correspondents kicked out
of Berlin before World War Il began. He
then joined the Office of Strategic Ser-
vices and worked there for its duration
(it later became the CIA).

He was a man I admired, but before 1
interviewed with his organization, I was
sent overseas briefly in the early $i
as a member of a secret military task
force. (President Kennedy was consider-
ing whether to send Marines into Laos at
the time, and I volunteered for duty.)
But something happened over there
that allowed me to see the darkest side of
the espionage game.

We were headquartered on Okinawa,
which was where I learned that the
spooks on the ground in Laos knew in
detail what was going on. I had full ac-
cess to some of them and learned a lot
about our clumsiness in Southeast Asia
However, the analyses and reports and
other data those agents sent back to

Washington were shelved or rewritten
at the highest levels. Under the editing
of intelligence bigwigs, ground truth
started to look more like ground-round
truth, diluted, garbled and unrecogniz-
able to its original collector

When I returned to these shores, I
had seen enough to know I would not
function well in such a foul administra-
tive climate. I was too much of a maver-
ick to put up with that kind of corrup-
tion at the top, so I never formally
applied to the CIA (and assume I would
have been rejected if I had). But from
1961 on, I had to live with the knowl-
edge that if Uncle Sam was going to
wade chest-deep into Vietnam, things
would not go well. It was heavy knowl-
edge, made worse by the fact that Tcould
not talk to anyone about it

Given my history, it shouldn't surprise
you to learn that many of the friends I
had in military and espionage circles
stayed in touch with me through the
years. They knew I was safe to talk to
and would never blow their covers. With-
out betraying national secrets, they ex-
plained things when I had questions and
kept me informed. That is how I came to
experience Vietnam all over again in the
Nineties as the Middle East simmered
and our hard-core spooks tried to warn
headquarters that all was not well, only
to be stifled once more.

The heart of the matter: My sources
were aware that deals were being cut be-
tween terrorist cells and various Euro-
pean governments. The terrorists were
being given safe haven by those govern-
ments (including police protection from
American investigators) in exchange for
a pledge that they would commit no vio-
lence on the soil of their European bene-
factors. As our spooks overcame many
deliberate obstacles and managed to
track the terrorists anyway, they could
see that the cells were growing in power
and sophistication and that America was
their primary target. Much of the vital
data our field agents forwarded about
our supposed allies’ cooperation with
the terrorists were destroyed or sup-
pressed. Meanwhile, those terrorist cells
metastasized at an alarming rate.

Itis not an exaggeration to say that
September 11 became a date that will
in infamy because our own high
telligence defrocked their
sts in the field in order to cen-
n hard, embarrassing truths.
That betrayal of our nation is equivalent
to several Pearl Harbors. We can only
hope that things are now changing for
the better in those bizarre halls of masks
and mirrors and deception.

“ хар” A
ee priorities in my life

|

“The thr
are my horse, my rope and my Copenhagen.
= | But not necessarily in that order.
j ] $ T - Ty Murray,
" Retired 7-Time World Champion
All-Around Cowhoy

| | EN
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!
/
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į
i
1

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as the people who enjoy it. Whether it's Fine Cut,
Long Cut or Pouches, Fresh Cope’ satisfies.

pete N

LONG

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He checks the corn, the rye; the barley. He cheeks the water,
the yeast, ‘the mash. In fact, Head Distiller Jimmy Bedford watches over.
every single drop of Jack Daniel‘ whiskey; proving that sometimes,

micromanagement can bea good thing,

erre”
Я =

>

^ Fa

at Jick Daniels remind you to drink responsibly.
JACKDANIELS and OLD МӨгтщ registereitrademarks of Jack Danie
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зоо}. Please visit us at www jackdanielscom

To Infiniti and Beyond

Plans for mutant-mobiles that meld the features of SUVs, station wagans and sparts caupes are an the drawing baards af several
‘autamakers lacking for the next big scare. Infiniti has crafted a concept vehicle, the gull-winged Triant, and if the decision were up
ta us, we'd have this baby zaoming dawn raads this fall. lts power plant is a stack 280 hp Vé coupled to a five-speed automatic
transmission and all-wheel drive with variable height odjustment. The remate-control doors feature alarm sensars ta help avaid
scrapes. (That should impress the hell out of parking attendants.) Triple headlights turn with the car, and the audia and navigation
systems, as well as the in-car phane, are vaice activated. Best of all, you can take it off-road comfortably, as the bucket seats can-
tain individual shack absarbers. We don't want ta dream, we want ta drive.

—)

Drink for the Derby

There's a chocolate mortini (vod-
ka, chocolate liqueur and a chaca-
late curl), a Cajun martini (pepper
vadka, dry vermouth and an olive
stuffed with a pickled jalapeno
pepper) and even a Winstan
Churchill martini (gin and a glance
at the vermouth bottle fram across
the raam). Sa why shauldn’t the
Kentucky Derby have its awn mar-
tini? Here's what turf tipplers will
be downing at Lavisville's Red
Launge this May 3.

Mint Julep Marti
2 ounces orange liqueur

2 aunces bourbon

% ounce vanilla vodka

У ounce peppermint schnapps
Shake with ice and strain inta а
chilled martini glass. Garnish with
mint sprigs and an orange twist.
Just remember, nane for the jack-
eys until after the race

MANTRACK .

Vou Are... Where?

What gaod are all those addresses, memos, expense sheets
and other life essentials you've painstakingly entered inta
your Palm

OS 5 aperat-
ing system if
you don't
know
where the
hell you're
going?
That's got to
be Garmin In-
ternational's
rationole for
creating the
iQue 3600—
the first per-
sonal digital
assistant that
offers global-
positioning-
satellite copa-
bilities. Whew!
No more wak-
ing up and
not knowing whether you're giving o big presentation in Par-
is or Peoria. Plus, the iQue 3600 is on MP3 player and o
vibrating alarm. The price: $589.

Clothesline: Jimmy Kimmel

The host of ABC's Jimmy Kimmel Live says he hes “no persanal
style, ond most people wha have seen me know that. | wear
whatever the wardrobe guy on my show picks out, plus any
T-shirts that viewers
might send me. I
have a fovorite ane
that pictures o guy
vomiting—sometimes
1 wear it when I'm go-
ing aut far a good
dinner. | also have a
special pair of sharts
thot hove been with
me since high school
I'll wear whatever my
mother buys me or
whatever's in my
dresser drawer that
looks relatively clean.
1 have no favorite
designers. I don't
even know the
names of any. Wait,

1 have a Huga Boss
suit that’s nice. | even
paid for that one.”

Seafood in Seconds

Seared tuna with chili, coriander and lime dressing can
be prepared in advance, leaving you free ta knack back
cocktails with your guests. The fillets are cooked one at
a time until all sides are seared and blackened. The
dressing is
made with gin-
ger, chilies, gor-
lic, soy sauce,
vegetoble oil
and coriander.
Then everything
is kept in the
fridge until it's
time to spoon
the dressing
over the chilled
fish. This rec-
ipe is from
Entertein, a
hardcover by
Landan res-
taurateur Ed
Baines. (Trofcl-
gor Square is
the distributor.)
Other recipes
for light lunches,
picnics, brunch-
es and formel
dinners are also
na-broiners.
Price: $29.95.

The Perfect Time...

e To bargain for a hotel room upgrade: Check in around
eight P.M. ar later. By then, bookings have slowed and the
manager is more likely to give you a better room than leave
it empty. e Ta schedule on appaintment with a dentist:
About three Р.м. The body's threshold for many kinds
of pain rises throughout the day and, according to
chronobiologists, you can tolerate up to 30 percent
more dental pain in the middle of the afternoon.

Plus, anesthesia is most effective 12 hours from

the deepest point of your sleep cycle, which,

for mast people, is about three A.m. Of

course, o good shot of novo-

coine trumps time consid-

erotions. € To buy

shoes: Abaut holf on

hour to an hour ofter N

o workout, or ot the

end of the doy, when

your feet ore biggest.

* To walk away from the

table in Vegos: When

you've won holf your

stake. According to gam-

bling outhority Ма!

Karins, if, soy, you stort

with $3000, you should

quit when you ore up

$1500. Stoy in if you're

on o hot streak but fold

when you lose one bet.

Buy troveler's checks. Mail them home.

WHERE AND HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 156

KNOW

BU
LIKE!

Bustin’ out all over. Thanks to the cropped
cap sleeves and the collar cut that stops
just above the studded script Playboy logo
on the chest, this one lets her show you
more of her sexy body. Cotton. Imported.
Also in Black. S/M (1-5), M/L (7-11).
A. SN8369 Red SplitV SleevelessTee $24
58370 Black SplitV Sleeveless Tee $24

Heng around a beautiful babe. It's the neck-
lace Carrie wore on Sex and the City and
the one you glimpsed in Elle. Get one for
your favorite girl in sterling silver or 14K
gold. 22" chain. Gift-boxed.
B. SN6005 Sterling Silver Rabbit Head
Necklace $49
SN6057 14K Gold Rabbit Head
Necklace $129

Jump through a hoop for her. Lavish her
with these sexy sterling silver or 14K gold
hoop earrings, then sit back and get your
just rewards. A radiant %" Rabbit Head pen-
dant dangles from each hoop. Gift-boxed.
C. SN6694 Sterling Silver Playboy

Hoop Earrings $29

'SN6693 14K Gold Playboy

Hoop Earrings $59

To order by mail, please send check or
money order to: PLAYBOY

Р.О. Box 809

Source Code 11458.

Itasca, IL 80143-0809
‘Add $7.95 shipping and handling charge per
total order, Illinois residents add 6.75% sales
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800-423-9494

(Source Code 11458) or

playboystore.com
Most major credit cards accepted,

men

Jamie Ireland is a
freelance writer in
the areas of sex,
fitness, romance,
and travel.

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OWER LUNCH

The inside story on

Learning “The Ropes”:

his month I got a letter from a
eader in Texas, about a “little
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and heightened orgasmic release are
often referred to as ropes because of the
rope-like effect of release during climax
In other words, as some people have
said, "it just keeps coming and com

As for finding ic in the states, I know

of just one importer, Böland Naturals,
Inc. If you are interested, you can
contact them at 1-866-OGOPLEN
or Ogoplex.com. Ogóplex tablets are
pure flower seed extract and are sale to
take, All the people I've spoken with have
said taking the once-daily tablet has led
to the roping effect Tina described in
hee letter.

Aren't you glad you ask

Ма) дід)

mie Ireland

Individual results may vary

Mine Playboy Advisor

| had a dream in which I was eating ba-
nanas. Wherever I went 1 always had a
banana. I told my boyfriend about it and
he said 1 must have wanted to suck his
cock. Is there anything to ıha —P.L.
Las Vegas, Nevada

It depends on how you ate the bananas. If
you bit into them, you're angry at your boy
friend's penis. If you broke pieces off, you
want more servings in bed. If you believe any
of this, you're nuts, Even Freud cautioned
that a banana is sometimes just a banana—
and we say ¡Us always a banana (if you
wanted to suck your boy[riend's cock, you
would dream about sucking his cock). That
hasn't stopped generations of "dream thera-
pists” from compiling fanciful glossaries. A
plane could be a flying penis, а womb or a
symbol of bisexuality. Eating a hamburger
represents cunnilingus. Sinking into mud
indicates an anal fixation. Sucking a wom-
an's nipple reflects financial worries. Fuck-
ing her naval means you want a child. If
you hold and stroke a bird, you desire tender
lovemaking. The best advice we read: If your
vagina talks, try to hear what it's saying. It
may be, "I need a banana.”

| play a lot of softball in the summer. Сап
you tell me which exercises to do or mu
cle groups to work so I'll be ready?—

G., Flint, Michigan

From a sitling position, lift a full can of
beer to your mouth. Repeat. Still tight? Start
preparing three to four months before the
season by strengthening your shoulder and
upper back muscles. (See The Whartons"
Strength Book for workouts designed for
softball players.) These muscles need to be in
balance before you begin swinging the bat in
varnest. Your cardio work should include en-
durance runs to get you through the season
and sprints and shuffles to mimic the fast-
twitch motions of a game. The goal is to pre-
vent the soreness and injuries that cripple
many players early in the season. Be ere-
alive. As part of his skills work, one guy we
know swings a 34-inch section of broomstick
at one-inch plastic golf balls. When the е
son begins, he says the softball looks as big as
the pitcher's head.

For the past five months I have been
having an affair. It's such a wonderful re-
lationship that it seems unreal. We are
totally committed to each other. We meet
three to four times a week to have in-
credible sex for two hours at a time. She
gets so wet we have to use a towel to dry
her off. I can keep my erection the entire
time. The kissing is out of this world. It's
so much diflerent from our marriages,
where the sex is almost nonexistent. We
have talked about the risks of our rela-
tionship but decided we'll continue with

caution. Why does the chemistry work so
well and where do you think we are
headed?—N.A., Toronto, Ont

The chemistry works becanse the sex is
greal and that’s all you do. If you were total-
Ty committed. you'd be divorced. Have fun
while il lasts, because it's going to gel messy
soon enough.

Just finished my taxes and my filing cab-
inet is overflowing with paper. How long
do you need to keep checks, tax returns,
etc.2>—R.W., Long Beach, California

If you're cheating on your taxes, save ev-
erything. If you're honest, the IRS usual-
ly has three years to audit you. Bul if you
underreport your gross income by more than
25 percent (it happens), the agency has six
years. So keep your tax-related records, in-
cluding canceled checks, for at least three
years and documents related fo your income
Jor at least six. Most people save their re-
turns and year-end investment and relire-
ment account statements indefinitely. Most
everything else you can shred, but ask your
CPA to flip through the pile fi

My girlfriend told me that humans and
dolphins are the only animals that have
sex for pleasure. If it's true, how do you
explain our dog, who tries to have sex
with everything? Is he not seeking plea-
sure?—G.K., Madison, Wisconsin

Sure, but that's not why he's horny. Your
dog is driven by biology. He doesn't think
about what he's doing; he knows only that he
musi have sex. By contrast, human males are
driven by .. . wait a minute, That doesn't
work. Humans are unique in that we can
decide not to have sex. No other animal has
that luxury—regardless of the consequences.

ILLUSTRATION BY ISTVAN BANYAL

When a male honeybee ejaculates, for in-
stance, his genitals fall off and he explodes
(we've all been there). Evolutionary biologist
Olivia Judson, author of Dx. Tatiana’s Sex
Advice to All Creation, says that while dol-
phins have intercourse even when the female
isn't in heat, they are far from the only crea-
tures to do so. Some species of duck have sex in
winter, when the male's testes are regressed
and the female isn't producing eggs. Indian-
crested porcupines do it when the female is
already pregnant. One type of wood roach
fucks constantly. The list goes on. The most
notorious swingers in the animal kingdom
are bonabo chimps, who are unusual in that
they have intercourse face-to-face. They also
masturbate and enjoy oral sex and orgies.

Tove to have my girlfriend sit on my
face so I can lick her. The problem is that
1 inhale her wetness through my nose. I
can usually smell her for days. It’s not
unpleasant, but sometimes it kills my ap-
petite. Any suggestions?—E.R., Las Ve-
gas, Nevada
None. We love that smell.

My wife is five months pregnant. Ever
thing I've read says having sex won't
harm the fetus. | am sure thats true, but
psychologically I can't get turned on
knowing my penis would be in such close
proximity to my soon-to-be child. I also
worry that her orgasms might trigger
a miscarriage. Am | being paranoid:—
C.S., Dayton, Ohio

Not at all. Your intellect is battling your
emolions— welcome to parenthood. Sure,
your erection will be near the fetus, but think
of it as staying in adjacent rooms al the same
resort. The only opening to the wamb is the
cervix, which ai this point is the size of a pin-
head and plugged with mucous, so there's no
danger of poking your kid in the head. If
you're uncomfortable with intercourse (some
guys are OK with the penetration but dislike
the idea of a kid between partners during
missionary), think outside the box, Get your
fingers and tongue involved, or use à dil-
do—straight on, it looks like a rattle. Al-
though the baby may kick or move each time
your wife comes, it’s highly unlikely the con-
tractions will cause problems. Doctors rou-
finely caution women who have had miscar-
riages or premature labor in the past to be
careful. Ask yours for reassurance.

Last month 1 left town on business.
While I was gone, my husband went to a
strip club with his co-workers. A male
friend of mine who happened to be at
the club told me he heard my husband's
boss encourage my husband to cheat on
me. The boss told him, “Your fat, ugly,
tch wife will never find out.” The worst

47

PLAYBOY

48

part is that my husband didn't defend
me. I don't feel unattractive, and I'm not
fat. What should 1 do with this informa-
tion?—C.C., Mound City, South Dakota

Don't just tuck it away. Ask your husband
what happened. We assume you trust him
enough to believe he didn’t take the boss’ ad-
vice, so trust his explanation. At the time, he
may have been speechless. He may have de-
cided it was best nol to create a scene with his
boss, who was probably plastered. Perhaps he
said something later in your defense—even
the next day—that your friend didn't hear.
Or maybe it never happened. Any chance this
friend would like you to be single?

M; fiancée has tiny breasts. 1 would
Jove them to be larger, but I don’t want
her to go under the knife. I've seen mag-
azine ads for herbal breast enlargement
products such as Iris and Bloussant
Should I get her a supply?—R.T., New
York, New York

Have you asked your fiancée aboul this?
She may be happy with her size, which meaus
she shouldn't change a thing. Regardless,
enlargement pills and creams don't work. In
fact, “the Federal Trade Commission has
cracked down on the makers of Isis for false
claims, including the company's assertion
that its concoction had no side effects (the
FTC heard from hundreds of users who ex-
perienced headaches, nausea and allergic re-
actions). A medical device called Brava has
been shown to increase size in some women,
but it has to be worn 10 to 12 hours a day for
three months. A pump suctions air from plas-
tie domes secured over the breasts with a
mesh bra. This stretches the lissue, causing
new cells to form. Not eter)
promise of the device, which costs $1250 on-
line or up to $2500 if you buy from a doc-
tor and Brava throws in a guarantee. Visit
home.atthi.com/~drmanentum/bravargh for
cautionary tales.

V ama freshman in college, dating a girl
who is still in high school. We've adjust-
ed to the separation better than 1 ex-
pected, but her father told her she can't
see me anymore. She isn't sure of hi
reasons, | want to call her father but she
told me not to. What should I do? —T.S.,
Des Moines, Iowa

Her mean daddy made her break up with
you? Yeah, right. Find a college girl.

la love to deep-throat my husband, but
1 always gag. Any suggestions?—R.C.,
Cleveland, Ohio

Besides keep trying? We asked a few of the
women who have deep-throated us for their
advice. They all said it helps to date a guy
with a small penis. (Funny.) Keep one hand
an the base of your husband's erection at all
times lo maintain control over the depth of
penetration. You also should tell him not to
thrust—if he does, party's over. Some women
take a slow, deep breath and swallow a little
at a time; others find it easier to breathe nor-
mally. One girlfriend practiced on a dildo

before surprising us. Another said the worst
time she had was when she fell queasy from
drinking. The more turned on you are, the
easier it may be. Coming down on the guy
from above might bus Have him lie or sit. If
‘you're kneeling, his erection is going to hit
the upper part of your palate, which is more
likely to trigger a gag. Violet Blue offers an-
other method in her Ultimate Guide to Fella-
“The best position is lying on your bac
with your head tilted back and slightly off the
edge of a bed or couch. Time your up and
down strokes with each breath. Inhale as you
draw him in, exhale as you draw him oul.”

In February the Advisor said a man
should let a woman go first through a re-
volving door. Your reason (so you can
check out her butt) is understandable.
But according to Amy Vanderbilt's Book of
Etiquette, the man should always go first.
А man also should never let a woman
climb into a taxi first, which requires her
to slide across the seat. If she feels slight-
ed when the man gets in, he only needs
to explain himself. She'll appreciate the
gesture.—J.G., New York, New York

And you'll have a good view of her ass
when she climbs out.

After we broke up. my ex-boyfriend
and I remained friends. We did every-
thing together, even had sex. It was like
we'd never split up. But then he found a
new girlfriend and stopped calling. We
haven't spoken in three months. 1 think
he hates me. Should I try to reconcile or
let him go?—P.C., Tuscaloosa, Alabama

You already know the answer. Being the
rebound relationship is always tough. espe-
cially when you're also the ex.

White appearing on The Tonight Show to
promote the most recent James Bond
film, Halle Berry talked about doing a
bedroom scene with Pierce Brosnan. She
said that their genitalia had been cov-
ered by something, but she was cut off by
applause and laughter. Did NBC bleep
her? What did she mean to say? Do all
actors cover their privates during show-
er or sex scenes so their genitals don't
touch? I can't believe it's easy to avoid a
natural reaction to the opposite sex.—
J-L., Washington, D.C.

We think Halle meant to say plywood.
der normal circumstances, it would be diffi-
cult to avoid a stiffie or tingly moment dur-
ing an intimate embrace. But filming is not
a normal circumstance. actors are in a
confined space with hot lights and an impa-
tient crew a few feet away. Nearly all of their
movements have been mapped out. There are
abrupt stops and starts to adjust the lights,
and maybe a few lines are delivered. Even
porn studs can have trouble getting hard in
such situations. That's not to say it doesn’t
happen. Many people suspect that Carré
Otis and Mickey Rourke completed the cir-
сий during their climactic scene in Wild Or-
chid. Others believe the same thing about

Jane March and Tony Leung in The Lover,
and there's no doubt Donald Sutherland
went down on Julie Christie in Don't Look
Now. Other films that have raised questions:
Tattoo, Color of Night, Boxcar Bertha and
Free Willy. For screen shots, see mrskin.com/
topten or scoopy.com/top 10_sex.htm.

Û met two women at a bar and we had a
fun conversation, I found myself equal-
ly attracted to both of them, so I didn't
know what to say. Can a guy ask two
women out at the same time and let
them decide who will accept the invita-
tion? Or do you need to take a stand and
hope you choose the right one?—R.B.,
Cleveland, Ohio

You've been watching too much reality TV.
Let the bladder decide. Keep talking until
one woman excuses herself to use the vest
room, then ask out her friend. If they go to-
gether, it wasn't your day.

Last semester I transferred to a new col-
lege. I have yet to find my niche, so I
spend a lot of time in my room. At least
five times a week my roommate's girl-
friend comes over and they fool around.
I sit outside until they're finished. Other
times she shows up in the middle of the
night and they wake me up with their
love vibrations. I don't feel comfortable
saying anything because my roommate
doesn't say anything when I smoke pot
in the room. What should I do?—A.S.,
Oneonta, New York

We had a roommate like you for about.
eight months in college, until we managed to
drive him away. Every time we returned to
the room with a date, he would be at his desk
studying. Your roommate is pushing it with
the after-midnight sessions (we went to her
room for that—had a couple of threesomes
that way), but he’s not going to curtail his
sex life on the suspicion that it bugs you.
Make it official. Tell him you don't want to
be a cockblocker but that your grades and
sleep ave suffering. Ask if he'd be willing to
dimit his girlfriend's visits lo two wee) knights
and one on the weekend, during which time
you Il make yourself scarce (you're doing that
anyway, so il's a good negotiating position).
If he hesitates, offer to keep your reefer un-
lit when he's around. While compromise is
grand, the more important point is that you
need to get off your ass. Find a few girl-
friends so you can kick your roommate oul
once in a while.

All reasonable questions— from fashion, food
and drink, stereo and sports cars to dating
dilemmas, taste and etiquette —iwill be person-
ally answered if the writer includes a self-ad-
dressed, stamped envelope. The most provoca-
live, pertinent questions will be presented in
these pages each month. Write the Playboy Ad-
visor, PLAYBOY, 680 North Lake Shore Drive,
Chicago, Illinois 60611, or send e-mail by
visiting playboyadvisor.com.

THE PLAYBOY FORUM

Mark Stepnoski spent 13 years as an of-
_fensive lineman in the National Football
League, during which time he earned two
Super Bowl rings. The five-time Pro Bowl
center for the Dallas Cowboys and Hous-
ton/Tennessee Oilers retired in 2002, an-
ticipating a life out of the limelight. Then
he accepted. the presidency of Ihe Texas
chapter of the National Organization for
the Reform of Marijuana Laws. We asked
sportswriter Curt Sampson to pay Stepnoski
a visit in Plano, Texas.

Q: You're the first pro athlete to
admit his marijuana use and take a
stand for reform. Tough decision?

A: It's easier to talk about now
that I'm done playing. I felt more
courageous when 1 gave NORML
$2000 in 1998 to become a lifetime
member. Last year Rick Day, pres-
ident of the Texas chapter, wrote
to tell me he was moving to At-
lanta. He asked if 1 would be inter-
ested in taking his place. I was go-
ing to be a spokesman for NORML
anyway, since I had agreed to join
people like Willie Nelson, Daniel
Stern, Robert Altman and Bill Ma-
her on the organization's national
advisory board.

Q: What explains your interest
in NORML?

A: Marijuana laws threaten the
freedom of everyone, not just the
people who smoke. The cost to
taxpayers of arresting, prosecut-
ing and imprisoning people for
mple possession is between $7.5
billion and $10 billion annually.
Ninety percent of the 724,000 peo-
ple arrested each year for posses-
sion are caught with an ounce or
less. Nearly every state has a deficit
We could replace all that red ink with
black and generate revenue from
fines for possession. A dozen states
have effectively done that.

Q: What about the idea that smok-
i juana leads to more-danger-

‘The gateway theory is a myth.
I'm nota proponent of telling anyone
to use marijuana, just as I'd never tell
anyone to drink or smoke cigarettes.
But the punishment ought to fit the
crime. The U.S. Supreme Court has
approved drug testing for any kid in

NORML has a new champion

by Curt Sampson

extracurricular activities. That gives
kids the notion that drugs are a big-
ger problem than they actually are,
and it may make a withdrawn kid
even more withdrawn. The Higher
Education Act says any high school
student caught with marijuana can-
not get federal aid for college. That's
overly punitive, and it doesn't apply
to any other offense—including vio-
lent crimes.

Q: What influenced your thinking

A: I learned about what NORML
was doing from articles in High Times
magazine. I learned about attacks on
our civil liberties in The Playboy Forum.
I've read a lot of books on the subject.
One in particular I liked—Ain’! No-
body's Business if You Do: The Absurdity
of Consensual Crimes in Our Free Coun-
try by Peter McWilliams. He makes
the point that substances are neutral.
None of them arc bad by themselves.
It's your relationship to them that's
either good or bad. In other words,
responsible use is the key. Not all use
can be called abuse.

A

Q: When did you first smoke?

A: High school, freshman year. Ina
perfect world, no one would experi-
ment until after the age of 18 or 21.
But that's not what happens. The im-
portant thing is not to ruin someone's
life because of it.

Q: The NFL tests for marijuana.
How did you avoid testing positive?

A: When I came into the league, I
was tested once during training camp.
In my 10th year they started testing
in minicamps, from April through Ju-
ly. But it was still just one test. Avoid-
ing a single positive test is not that
hard. But I resented it. I was being
treated like a child, and the drug
that could have gotten me into
trouble is safer than many other
legal substances. And it's not per-
formance enhancing.

Q: Did you ever play high?

А: Some news stories give the
impression that I smoked before
games, but | didn’t. Never before
practice or even the night before a
game. I took football too seriously
for that. For me, it's a social thing,
so I smoked after games, which is
one of the few times during the sea-
son that a player has a free moment
Plus, my body would be beat up
and I didn't like to take painkillers.

Q: Was Troy Aikman at the post-
game parties? Emmitt Smith?

A: No, but occasionally team-
mates would be there, sure. A guy
from ESPN Radio asked me, “How
players in the NFL smoke

nd there are 32 teams. Sur-
te that 35 percent of Amer-
icans have tried marijuana and about
10 percent use it regularly. You could
project that onto the league.

Ө: What's the worst thing that has
happened since you came out?

A: I had been elected to the hall of
fame at my high school, Cathedral
Prep in Erie, Pennsylvania. We had a
date for the induction ceremony and
1 had chosen a presenter—then, sud-
denly, my name was withdrawn.

: What would you tell the Bush
administration?

A: Stop arresting pot smokers.

49

a california case brings the issue lo. a ‘head

he California penal code defines
rape as “an act of sexual inter-
course accomplished against a

T

person's will by means of force, vio-
lence, duress, menace or fear of imme-
diate and unlawful bodily injury.” That
statute now has a footnote: A person
who consents to sex may claim “post-
penetration rape” if she changes her

mind midstroke, even if she fails to
communicate the change of heart.

The issue of postpenetration rape
reached the California Supreme Court
last year in a case called The People vs.
John Z. This past January the court vot-
ed six to one against the defendant,
who had been convicted of felony rape.
Justice Janice Brown, the lone dis-
senter, articulated the modern notion
of consent: "A woman has an absolute
right to say no to an act of sexual inter-
course. After intercourse has com-
menced, she has the absolute right to
call a halt and say no more. If she is
compelled to continue, a forcible rape
is committed." But, she added, The Peo-
ple vs. John Z. was not that simple. “This
is a sordid, distressing, sad little case,"
she wrote. "From any perspective, its
facts are appalling.”

Brown felt more uneasy, it seems,
than her colleagues. Her dissent offers
one interpretation of the events that
led to the filing of criminal charges.
The majority decision presents anoth-
er. Here are the basic facts:

On the afternoon of March 23, 2000,
17-year-old Laura T. was working at a
supermarket when she received a call
from an acquaintance, Juan, whom she
had met two weeks earlier. Juan want-
ed Laura to drive him to a party. She
agreed but said she couldn't give him a
ride home from the party because she
had to attend a church meeting. She
drove Juan to John Z.'s house, then
picked up an older male, stopped so
they could buy beer and drove back to
John's. She went inside to hang out
with the boys, ages 16 to 21. They
drank. She did not.

Laura and Juan went into the master
bedroom. He said he wanted to have
sex. Laura replied that she wasn't
ready for that. Upset, Juan went into
the bathroom. ‘Iwo other boys, John
and Justin, came into the bedroom.
‘They asked Laura why she "wouldn't
do stuff.” She told them, as she'd told

By JAMES R. PETERSEN

Juan, that she wasn't ready.
Justice Brown, in her dissent, contin-
ues the story: “During the evening, Lau-
ra was openly affectionate with Juan.
She sporadically engaged in some kiss-
ing with John Z. in the kitchen and lat-
er in the bedroom when Juan was sulk-
i the bathroom.
‘Around eight p.M., Laura decided
she was ready to leave. John asked if he
could talk to her. They went into his
bedroom, which was com-
pletely dark. She did not
ask to turn on the light. She
entered the room ing-
ly and was not restrained
from leaving. They sat in
the dark, talking. John told
her that Juan never cared
about her and was only ‘us-
ing her, and anyone else
could use her, too.’ John
said she should dump Juan
and become his girlfriend.”
When Laura confronted
Juan about what John had
said, he denied everything
At that point nothing had
happened between Laura
and the boys that hasn't
happened on a bad reality
TV series. Then the boys
made their move. They
asked Laura if she had ev-
er fantasized about having
two guys. “Laura said she
had not, but she continued
to sit on the bed in John’s darkened
bedroom with both Juan and John
while one or both of them removed
various items of her clothing,” Justice
Brown wrote. “At first she tried to re-
place her clothing, but after pulling

her bra back into place a couple of

times, she made no further effort to re-
trieve her clothes. When asked why she
did not leave, she responded: “There is
no reason. I just didn't. I didn't think
about it. I had already tried to leave
once, and they asked me to go into the
bedroom and talk *”

The boys fingered her and fondled
her breasts and kissed her. Laura ac-
knowledged that she enjoyed these
ies “because it was like a three-

She was laughing and liked

some.”
being the center of attention.

‘The majority of the justices read Lau-
ra's account and saw a different sce-
nario. Laura may have been fooling
around, they said, but she objected
when Juan removed his pants and told
John to keep fingering her while Juan
put on a condom. John then left the
room and Juan climbed on top of Lau-
ra. “She tried to resist and told him she
did not want to have intercourse, but
he was too strong and forced his penis
into her vagina. The rape terminated
when, due to Laura's struggling, the

condom fell off. Laura told Juan,
gn we shouldn't be doing
this.’ He said ‘fine’ and left the room.
Laura then began to gather her clothes
but had difficulty doing so because the
room was dark.

Juan pleaded guilty to sexual battery
and unlawful intercourse. He was not
a party to the appeal. What happened
after he left the room and John Z. re-
turned provoked the controversy. The
majority opinion described it this way,
based on Laura's accounts to the police
and her trial testimony:

John, “who had removed his cloth-
ing, entered the bedroom. Laura was
sitting on the bed. He rolled over her
so she was pushed down onto the bed.
Laura did not say anything and John
began kissing her and telling her she

had a beautiful body. John got on top
of Laura, put his penis into her vagi-
na and rolled her over so she was sit-
ting on top of him.” Laura testified that
she “kept pulling up, trying to sit up to
get it out and he grabbed my hips
and pushed me back down and then
he rolled me over so I was on my back
and kept saying, ‘Will you be my girl-
friend?” Laura kept "trying to pull
away’ and told him ‘if he really did care
about me, he wouldn't be doing this,
and if he did want a relationship, he
should wait and respect that I don't
want to do this.' After about 10 min-
utes, John got off Laura and helped
her dress and find her keys. She then
drove home.”

During cross-examination at John's
trial, Laura added details to her ac-
count. When John began kissing her,

she said, she kissed him back. When
she said, “I need to get home,” John
replied, “Just give me a minute.” She
repeated, “No, I need to get home.”
John continued thrusting. “He just
stayed inside me and kept, like, basi
ly forcing it on me.” A minute or so lat-
er—rather than 10—he stopped.

In her dissent, Justice Brown noted
aspects of the case that troubled her.
When John achieved penetration,
“Laura did not say anything. She did
not push him away, slap him or strike
him. He made no threats and he did
not hurt her. John repeatedly asked,
‘Will you be my girlfriend” Although
he held her only with one hand on her
waist—not hard enough for her to feel
the pressure or to create a bruise—she
was unable to extricate herself or break

the connection. There was no conver-
sation when intercourse began and she
said nothing while she was on top of
him. When she found herself on the
bottom again, she questioned whether
‘he really did care about me." John re-
sponded, ‘I really do care about you.”
She never ‘officially’ told him she did
not want to have intercourse. When
asked ifat any time while hav-
ing intercourse with John
she had told him ‘no,’ Laura
answered no.”

The majority of the judges
thought Laura’s actions and
words clearly communicat-
ed a withdrawal of consent.
They insisted “no reasonable
person” could have missed
the idea that “I have to go
home” means “You're rap-
ing me.” Justice
Brown felt differ-
ently. She argued
that “Laura's si-
lent and ineffectual move-
ments could easily be misin-
terpreted, and none of her
statements are unequivocal.
While Laura may have felt
that these words clearly con-
veyed her unwillingness,
they could reasonably be un-
derstood as requests for re-
assurance or demands for
speed. When asked by the
prosecutor on redirect why
she had told John, `1 need to
get home,’ Laura answered,
‘So my mother wouldn't sus-
pect anything.'"
Brown then want-
ed to know where
was the force that
made this a rape?
“The majority re-
lies heavily on
John's failure to desist im-
mediately. But it does not
tell us how soon would have
been soon enough. ‘Ten sec-
onds? Thirty? A minute? Is
persistence the same thing
as force?”

"The legal nature of con-
sent, the bright line separat-
ing sex from rape, has undergone si
nificant change in recent years. The
date-rape hysteria brought to light the
role of alcohol and drugs in cases of
unwanted sex, with courts ruling that
someone oblivious to her surroundings
could hardly give informed consent.
However, nothing about this case sug-
gests that Laura's judgment was im-
paired. Nor was there the kind of age
difference found in statutory-rape cas-

minute.”

es, or the power difference found in
abuse-of-trust cases.

We asked one of the defense lawyers
on this case if she felt the age of the
participants had influenced the deci-
sion. Would the case have reached a ju-
ry if Laura and John had been in their
30s and one of them had to rush off to
work? The lawyers hadn't brought that
up, but they concocted a
novel defense. "By essence
of the act of sexual inter-
course, a male's primal urge
to reproduce is aroused,”
they told the court. "It is
therefore unreasonable for
a female and the law to ex-
pect a male to cease having
sexual intercourse immedi-
ately upon her withdrawal
of consent. It is only natural,
r and just that a male be
given a reasonable amount
of time in which to quell his
primal urge."

The justices weren't comfortable with
that stereotype, but their alternative
was equally flawed. The majority cited
previous decisions that held a woman's
sense of outrage makes an act rape, not
the intent or method of the rapist.
They debated the relative severity of
the feeling that might result from the
“nonconsensual violation of her wom-
anhood" when her consent was with-
drawn midstroke. The justices, quick to
condemn, did nothing to clarify the law.

The real violation may be that John,
then 17, was committed to the Crystal
Creek Boys Ranch in California. And if
he's convicted of a felony as
an adult, the rape will count
as one strike in a state fa-
mous for its three-strikes life
sentences. Yet the decision
reveals no outrage on the
part of the jurists, with the

case, with murky accounts of
what had transpired and se-
rious questions about what
John should or should not
have surmised. According
to one of John’s lawyers,
even Laura T. had doubts
about the nature of the encounter. Two
of her female classmates said she had
asked them about th
wondered aloud if it was rape. Based
on her description, they thought not.
Three weeks later, after Laura got into
an argument with her parents and re-
vealed her misadventure, the police
were notified and the charge of rape
was filed.
"That calls for outrage.

51

R E

INTELLIGENT DESIGN
In the article “Alien Notion”
(The Playboy Forum, February)
Chip Rowe claims that “new
creationists” are attempting to
introduce creationism into pub-
lic schools under the guise of
intelligent design. His article
overlooks important points.
‘The First Amendment was in-
tended to prevent the establish-
ment of a national church or
religion, or a preferred status
for any sect. It does not, as
Rowe suggests, dictate an ab-
solute separation of church and
state. More to the point, reli-
n teaches creationism as
fact, but academe teaches cre-
ationism as theory. Rowe re-
peatedly describes Darwin's
concept of evolution as a theo-
ry. Indeed, this is what cre-
ationism and evolution have in
common: They are both theo-
ries, neither capable of being
scientifically proved or dis-
proved. The fundamental dif-
ference between the theory of
evolution and the theory of cre-
ationism is that one theory is al-
lowed to be taught in schools,
and the other is not.
John Cartmell
Redmond, Washington
The fundamental difference?
Evolution is based on evidence,
while intelligent design (or whatever fancy
name you want lo give creationism) is based
on faith. Nothing wrong with that. It just
doesn't belong in science class.

Lam the author of Defeating Darwin-
ism, which is mentioned in “Alien No-
tion." Rowe dismisses the concept of
intelligent design by asserting that it
"isn't by definition science.” But wh:
we define science as the impartial in-
vestigation of evidence? Then we can
investigate whether there is any con-
vincing evidence that the Darwinian
mechanism of mutation and natural
selection has the fantastic creative pow-
er claimed for it. If that were done,
students would learn that natural se-
lection’s power is always assumed and
never demonstrated.

Many readers of ptaveoy probably
want to protect the theory of evolution
because the Darwinist myth of a god-
less creation is an essential prop of any
hedonist philosophy. Give a thought to

“If you don't violate someone's human

rights some of the time, you probably aren't
doing your job."

—A national security official explaining the
CIA's altitude toward interrogation of alleged
terrorists overseas. According to The Wash-
ington Post, the agency routinely forces unco-
operative suspects to stand or kneel for hours
at a time while depriving them of sleep or ex-

posing them to bright lights.

the possibility that you have been
led. The only way you will find oi
examine the evidence without bias. Do-
ing that changed my life.
Phillip Johnson
Berkeley, California

I am the director of Science Excel-
lence for All Ohioans. SEAO is not, as
Rowe states, a project of the American
Family Association. It is an affiliate of
Intelligent Design Network, which is
not a religious group. Our goal is not,
as Rowe implies, to require the teach-
ing of intelligent design in schools.
Rather it is to promote objective, evi-
dence-based origins science. We have
repeatedly recommended that intelli-
gent design not be required in the new
standards, although we are in favor of
academic freedom for those teachers
who want to discuss it.

Rowe says that intelligent design ar-
gues for allowing the supernatural into
science. The opposite is true. The goal

E R

is to build scientific arguments
in such a way that no philo-
sophical or religious issues are
inserted into the discussion.

While many aspects of evo-
lutionary theory are well doc-
umented, the larger claim that
life arose by chance chemical
reactions, and that all existing
complexity was produced by
genetic damage (mutation), is
unsubstantiated by the data we
have. SEAO stands against what.
we see as state-sponsored.
doctrination of an atheistic pl
losophy in the name of science.

Doug Rudy
Columbus, Ohio

Who are you kidding? Until re-
cently, SEAO's website boasted of its
association with the American Fam-
ily Association. Did the partnership
make you uncomfortable?

As part of education reform,
Congress has declared: “Where
topics are taught that may gen-
erate controversy (such as bi-
ological evolution), the curric-
ulum should help students
understand the full range of
scientific views that exists.”
While the theory of intelligent
design may have religious im-
plications, it is itself neutral.
Teaching it only brings schools
in compliance with federal law.

John Standifer

Odessa, Texas

Declaring that life was created by a
superior being doesn't actually resolve
anything. It only pushes the debate a
step back, because you have to ask,
“Who made the superior being who
made us?” Whether God created us or
we arose from the muck, we're here
now. Shouldn't we focus on that?

David Torline
Albuquerque, New Mexico

CLEAN FILMS.

You overlooked one aspect of the de-
bate over companies that remove nudi-
ty and profanity from Hollywood films
(“Clean Flix,” The Playboy Forum, Febru-
ary). Even if a company argues that
edited copy is exempt under the f.
use provision of U.S. copyright law, the

Digital Millennium Copyright Act of
1998 makes it illegal to crack the secu-
rity schemes that studios put on videos

FORUM)
R E ss F ON 8 E

and DVDs to prevent copying. For all

A D SEAT 3 = 1
D Have E doesn't ex- Wary Г. BY r "P Ww [y eu etl

Benedict O'Mahoney
CopyrightWebsite.com
Foster City, California By ROBERT S. WI

THE DJ AND THE NUDE
I was outraged when I read the let-
ter about the radio jock who revealed
the home address of a woman simply
because she runs an amateur porn
(“Reader Response," The Playboy F.
rum, February). But I also wonder why
Cynthia Hollander, the amateur star,
signed her name, city and state to her
letter. Now millions of ріАҮВОҮ readers
know where she lives. She wanted free
pub! ; and you gave it to her.
Michael Tober
Denver, Colorado
Sure, why not? We asked Cynthia if she
wanted her name and address to appear on
her letter. She said she wasn't worried about
being bothered by PLAYBOY readers.

MORALITY PATROL

The Playboy Cyber Club asked me to
pose for a pictorial about female cops.
My chief of police denied my request to
participate, saying I would be using my
position for personal gain (1 would
have posed in a generic uniform). He
also wrote: “Your duties involve work-
ing with students in connection with a
number of issues, including domestic
and social violence. In the event that
you were called in to address a domes-
tic dispute, you certainly could find
yourself in a predicament if either par-
ticipant suggested you were not worthy
of making moral or judgmental deci
sions regarding their conduct.”

Cops use their positions for personal
gain all the time when they work off-
duty as security guards, insurance in-
vestigators or bodyguards. How is a
modeling job any different? When I
became an officer, I had hours of train-
ing that stressed respecting those who
have different beliefs, including a belief
in the right to express one’s sexuality.

Stacy Steudle

Minotola, New Jersey

We would like to hear your point of view,
Send questions, opinions and quirky stuff to
The Playboy Forum, PLAYBOY, 680 North
Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611,
e-mail forum@playboy.com or fax 312-
951-2939. Please include a daytime phone
number and your city and state or province.

54

N E W

SFR

|F O RUME

O N T

what's happening in the sexual and social arenas

UNDER THEIR THUMBS

Lonpon—The British government is
considering a plan to implant electronic
microchips beneath the skin of convicted
pedophiles, enabling police to monitor

their heart rates and blood pressure while
tracking them by satellite. Critics worry
that less-predatory groups might someday
be forced to have implants.

PREEMPTIVE BUST

FAIRFAX COUNTY, VIRGINIA—In what
they said was an effort to cut down on
drunk driving, undercover cops visited 20
bars over the holidays to look for customers
who had been “overserved.” Uniformed of-
ficers then raided three of the bars, where
they asked patrons who appeared to be in-
toxicaled to step outside for a sobriety test.
The nine people who failed were arrested.

DNA DRAGNET

BATON ROUGE. LOUISIANA—A/fter ana-
zing evidence left at four murder scenes,
police determined that a serial killer was
on the loose. In an effort to catch him, offi-
cers asked more than 800 local men for
DNA samples swabbed from the insides of
their cheeks. One man who refused to be
tested had an alibi at the time of the mur-
ders, and his shoe size didn't match the
‘footprints left by the killer. Undeterred, the
police released his name in connection with
the case and got a court order requiring
him to submit his saliva. The executive di-

rector of the state ACLU explained why cit-
izens should find such dragnets troubling:
“These people are assumed guilly until
proven innocent.”

SOME HONEYMOON

MOORPARK, CALIFORNIA—Last summer
a 23-year-old wrestling coach pleaded
guilty to having sex with a 14-year-old fe-
male student. Two months later the couple
married. “It’s been the best thing that ever
happened to her,” the girl's mother said.
Afler the nuptials, a judge sentenced the
coach to a year in jail, despite pleas for le-
niency from his new wife and her mother.
He must also register as a sex offender.

TRASH TALK

PORTLAND, OREGON—While investigat-
ing a cop suspected of using drugs, police
searched through her garbage. They re-
trieved drug paraphernalia and a used
tampon, which they sent to a lab for blood.
analysis. In response to public outery about
the trash search, the police chief stated that
once garbage is on the curb, it’s “aban-
doned in terms of privacy." Inspired, a lo-
cal newspaper dug through garbage and
recycling left outside the homes of the police
chief, mayor and district attorney. Its haul
included printed personal e-mail and fi-
nancial statements. The mayor called the
paper's actions “potentially illegal and ab-
solutely unscrupulous and reprehensible.”

GATEWAY OR NOT?

SANTA MONICA, CALIFORNIA—A new
study dismisses the idea that marijuana
leads to harder drugs. Researchers at the
Rand Drug Folicy Research Center found
that teens who used narcotics did so re-
gardless of whether they'd tried marijuana.
Factors such as genetics, family relation-
ships and drug availability determined if a
teen experimented with cocaine or heroin.
“Marijuana is not a gateway drug” or
causal agent, said the study’s lead re-
searcher. "It's just the first thing kids come
across." Critics challenged the report, cit-
ing findings thal suggest kids who use
marijuana are up to 50 tines more likely
than nontokers to use hard drugs. A month
later, a study published in the Journal of
the American Medical Association sup-
ported the gateway theory. Australian re-
searchers followed 311 pairs of identical
and fraternal twins. The pot-smoking

twins were between two and five times
more likely to experiment with narcotics

and alcohol than their drug-free siblings.

SHUT YOUR MOUTH

LEANDER, TEXAS—Under orders from
the school board, teachers who conduct
eighth-grade sex education classes must
discuss how STDs spread without using
the words anal or oral or describing the
acts. Afler seeking permission from a com-
mittee of parents, clergy and educators to
answer written questions from students
such as “Is it intercourse if you do anal
sex?” and “Can you get AIDS from oral
sex?” instructors were told lo use "softer"
words in their responses. One pastor who
favors more frank discussion said, “We
need lo address where these kids really are,
not where we wish Ihey were.”

LESBIAN LOCKOUT

BANNING, CALIFORNIA—As students
changed before gym, one eighth grader
asked another if she was a lesbian. The
girl, who is gay, did not reply. The next
day, before class, the PE instructor sent the
lesbian student to the principal’s office.
This continued each day for more than a
week. When the girl's mother complained,

the teacher explained that the other girls
felt awkward undressing in front of the
gay student. After filing a civil rights law-
suit, the girl said: “H's fine if they're un-
comfortable, but it’s still discrimination. I
didn't do anything wrong.”

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PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: BILLY BOB THORNTON

a candid conversation with america’s weirdest actor about life with (and without)

angelina jolie, his nightmarish fears and the upside of having fi

е failed marriages

In an industry full of eccentricity, it is
no small feat that Billy Bob Thornton has
emerged as Hollywood's top oddball. Some of
this reputation can be attributed to his rivet-
ing, never conventional performances; even
more lo his tumultuous personal life. The
tabloids weni crazy when he married Angeli-
na Jolie. Their public displays of affection—
blood vials and all—were a staple of the
front page of the National Enquirer. Their
sudden breakup was even belter fodder.

Without Jolie, Thornton is still one color-
ful character. Part wild hillbilly and part
neurolic auteur, he's the artistic nexus of Jer-
ry Lee Lewis and Woody Allen. His behavior
is unabashedly peculiar—driving around a
certain restaurant seven times before work,
obsessing over his fear of Komodo dragons.
No one would pay much attention to such be-
havior if Thornton, 47, were a less talented
actor, writer and director. He won an Acade-
my Award in 1997 for writing Sling Blade,
a quirky drama that also earned him his first
Oscar nomination for acting. His Monster's
Ball co-star Halle Berry won the Best Actress
Oscar last year, in part for a raw sex scene
with Thornton.

His union with Jolie was equally raw. "I
think I'm going to die every few minutes
when we're having sex,” she told a reporter.
Thornton had been married four times when
he met Jolie. Laura Dern, Thornton's fi-

we

“Angelina was the only person I ever knew
who went along with all my phobias. One
night I woke up after dreaming that the
house was on fire. She put together a bag
and we went to a hotel."

ancée at the time, was a bit surprised. ^I left
home to work on a movie, and while 1 was
away, my boyfriend got married and I've
heard from him again,” she said.

The couple married in May 2000. Jolie
began proceedings to adopt a baby while
working in Cambodia in 2001, and within
months of the adoption becoming final last
year, they announced their divorce, with the
tabloids all bul accusing him of infidelity

Thornton grew up in rural Arkansas ina
home with no running water or electricity.
Dinner sometimes consisted of freshly bagged
squirrel. His father was a teacher and coach,
his mother a psychic. Thornton worked in a
sawmill and he laid asphalt. He broke his
collarbone while trying out for the Kansas
City Royals. In 1981 he moved to Califor-
nia, where he struggled to make it in show
business for more than a decade, once land-
ing in the hospital because of malnutrition.

This year Thornton has three movies due:
Levily, with Holly Hunter; Bad Santa, with
Bernie Mac; and another collaboration with
Joel and Ethan Coen, Intolerable Cruelty
(their first film together was The Man Who
Wasn't There). Edge of the World, the
follow-up to his first CD, Private Radio. is
also expected to be released this year

Contributing Editor David Sheff met
Thornton in the recording studio of his Bev-
erly Hills mansion. It’s Thornton's first in-

ne

"I don't want to do Shakespeare, a bunch of
people talking in that fucking language. We
don't understand half the shit they're saying
and pretend we do. Get a fucking guitar out
and let's have a rock-and-roll show.”

terview in a while during which Jolie isn't
nibbling on his ear:

PLAYBOY: You have a new movie out, yet
the public is still talking about your rela-
tionship with Angelina.

THORNTON: It's crazy. Some friends from
out of town were visiting. Two girls. We
went shopping and the next thing we
knew, there were pictures in the maga-
zines of us walking down Melrose. I have
been linked to people I've had nothing
to do with. I did see one girl for a while,
and that was all over the papers. But
most of the girls I'm supposedly with are
ones I barely know. I saw Sheryl Crow,
whom I have known for years, backstage
at her concert. The next thing you know,
we were together.

PLAYBOY: With all your press, are women
wary of you?

THORNTON: I get a lot of, “Oh, watch out
for him.” It doesn’t stop them, though
PLAYBOY: Watch out for you why?
THORNTON: They say, “Suzie told me to
really be careful with you.” “Why is
that?” “You have been married all those
times, had all these women.” My mes-
sage: If you're worried about it, don’t do
it. Would it be better if I was like a friend
of mine who says, “I ain't the marrying
type”? Is that any more appealing to
women? He has pretty good luck and so

PHOTOGRAPHY BY DAVIO ROSE

‘Sex you can get anytime. Just call up one of
your regulars. That's not ever why I got mar-
ried. 1 like the friendship. Let's put it this
way: I am an extremist. I was never good at
stopping at a blow job.”

57

PLAYBOY

do I, but I'm the type who just might fall
in love with you.

PLAYBOY: The type who might fall in love
with you and sign his name in blood,
vowing it will be forever.

THORNTON: | was that type once.
PLAYBOY: Not again?

THORNTON: [ don't know. I'm not really
concerned with it. I know that what An-
gelina and I had was unique and always
will be. It wasn't some whim or fluke. It
was the ultimate.

PLAYBOY: Does that make the fall farther?
THORNTON: You know, some pt
about their personal relations!
breakups. I only talk about it through
music or movies.

PLAYBOY: Except when you and Angelina
talked about little else.
THORNTON: Yeah, we mouthed
offa few times. We were excited
and happy. It's not like we were
reclusive people so into our pri-
vacy. 1 don't regret it. People
were interested, and we didn't
mind telling them.

PLAYBOY: Why the shyness now?
THORNTON: It's private. I want to
take the high road.

PLAYBOY: It seems as if you want
it both ways.

THORNTON: I just won't talk about
it. Other people can talk about it.
PLAYBOY: We want to set the rec-
ord straight. Everyone knows
how you two got together, but
what ended the relationship?
THORNTON: And that's exactly
what I won't discuss. I get talked
about a lot, but I don't do much
talking. It makes it hard some-
times because you end up look-
ing like an asshole. All I can say
is that was a really sad thing.
PLAYBOY: People seem to enjoy
when famous people get togeth-
er, but not as much as when they
split up.

THORNTON: I'm not sure. Some-
body called me the other day
and said some magazine put out
a list of the couples their readers
wished would get back together.

try to be married? It's not like it's pleas-
ant when it ends. Because of that piec
of paper, you end up losing your mone
your records, a lot of stuff. But I'm a ro-
mantic, so 1 want to get married. I'm not
sure if I'm meant for it anymore, though.
Maybe someday. I like the companion
ip, the friendship. Sex you can get
anytime.

PLAYBOY: Anytime?

THORNTON: Just call up one of your reg-
ulars. That's not a problem. That's not
ever why I got married. It was because I
enjoy the friendship

PLAYBOY: Couldn't you live with a wom-
an? Why the need to marry?

THORNTON: 1 am an extremist. Let's put
it this way: I was never good at stopping

THORNTON: | haven't always been all over
the place in marriages or relationships,
but with her I was.

PLAYBOY: What's the longest you have
been monogamous?

THORNTON: Three or four years. But
mostly I was a hobo, always kind of on
the rock-and-roll circuit

PLAYBOY: Which isn't compatible with
staying married. Is that why your mar-
riages ended?

THORNTON: That wasn't always it. It gen-
erally came down to a difference in phi-
losophy. You stop believing in each oth-
er. The first time I got married was when
I was a kid. I had no business being mar
ried. Another time I married a close
friend. We were never anything more,
but we loved each other so
much as friends that we got
married. Then we woke up
one morning and realized it
wasn'ta full-on marriage. One
marriage was annulled. God
bless them all. I have nothing
against anybody I was married
to. Or in a relationship with.
Sometimes I miss them. 1 wish
we didn't have hurt feelings, so
I could hang out with them.
My ex who I had my boys with,
Pietra Cherniak, is one of my
closest friends. The kids are
here almost as much as they
are at her place. We take them
to Sca World together.
PLAYBOY: When you divorced,
she accused you of choking her.
THORNTON: We were silly little
kids who argued. And anyway,
when we separated, the case
got resolved. I'm as close to
her now as anybody, though
not as close as the rags say.
They say we're back together.
She and I laugh about it
PLAYBOY: Do you think there
will be a time when you'll be
friends with Angelina?
THORNTON: I hope so. I can't
speak for her, but I think we'll
always love each other.
PLAYBOY: Do you hope that you

Me and Angie were the top one.

I'm glad people feel that way

PLAYBOY: What's up next for you in that
department?

THORNTON: It’s strange after you had it
in your head that there was someone
who was always going to be there. After
that, you're just standing there with
your thumb up your ass. “Well, now
what do I do? Do 1 just keep seeing Deb-
bie, whose friend Suzie tells her not to
see me because I have been married five
times?” I guess that's what I do

PLAYBOY: Maybe the sixth time's a charm.
THORNTON: You know, people talk about
how many times I've been married as if
it’s some negative thing, but I was trying
each time. I was hopeful. Is it better to

58 be somebody who will try to be in love—

at a blow job.
PLAYBOY: Which means?

THORNTON: Unless you've done the whole
thing, you haven't given your all. I feel
we haven't gone to the pinnacle unless
we make that commitment. There's an-
other reason 1 get married: It's a reflec-
tion of how I'm feeling at the time. Tm
thinking, I feel more for you than I've
ever felt for anybody. I married her, so I
should marry you, too, right? The thing
is, I really love women. Girls who know
me pretty well know that about me. One
of my ex-wives once told me, “Some-
times I wish we had stayed together. I
could have taken the other women be-
cause I know how you are.”

PLAYBOY. How are you?

will get back together?

: I can't dare contemplate that
question, For all sorts of reasons.
PLAYBOY: Was it harder for you two be-
cause you're both actors?

THORNTON: It's hard for anybody to be
married. It's no different for a plumber

from Encino. I'm sure his life is every bit
as tragic and dramatic as a movie star's
life. We talk about the movie business be-

cause it's a big publicized thing, but look
inside any office, at the aflairs people are
having, at the politics and drama.

PLAYBOY: Yet the plumber doesn't fly off
to work for months on end with some of
the world’s most desirable women.

THORNTON: Yes, we go off and do these
movies and then Muffy Robertson comes
up and says

PLAYBOY: Миу Robertson?
THORNTON: You know, Muffy Robert-
son—whatever you want to call a news-
lady. She comes up and says, “So, Tom,
what is it like to watch Barbara and
Raoul together in the movie?” What is
Tom going to say? “It really pisses me
off?” No. He says, “Oh well, you know,
that’s the way it is in the movies. Honey
here and I have a great marriage and
blah, blah, blah." Then Muffy says, “Bar-
at's it like for you to see Tom
with Vicky?” Barbara's going to look at
‘Tom starry-eyed and look back to the re-

porter and say, “Well, that's just part of

acting and blah, blah.” That's what they
always say. The percentage of it that's
bullshit is probably pretty high.

PLAYBOY: Then what's the truth?
THORNTON: The truth is that ifyou are in
love, unless you have no nerve endings
at all and no sense of romance or des-
peration, then you're going to feel bad
when your husband or wife goes off for
six months in the jungles of South Amer-
ica with some fucking actor to do scenes
where they are down a river in a boat
making out all day. At night you have
nothing to do except sit in some shit hole
and eat food that looks like grits, and
you're not sure you want to eat it, and
you get some parasite. You're out there
talking with a beautiful person under
some palm frond. The next thing you
know. . . . I was lucky to have been with
someone in a marriage who had integri-
ty and who was loyal to me.

PLAYBOY: Was she lucky to be with you?
Were you loyal, too?

THORNTON: Bclieve it or not and con-
tary to popular belief, yes

vs reports said otherwise.

(es, some things in the pa-
pers that were said about me were not
true. And I understand why people
would think they were true. I'm not go-
ing to pretend I have Pat Boone written
all over me. If people believe bad things,
there's not much I can do. I know how
it was, but I guess I'm like the boy who
cried wolf: “Hey, wait, I really didn't."
PLAYBOY: One article suggested that you
may have been fooling around with girls
you invited onstage during your concert
tour. That can't have helped your cause.
THORNTON: That was fucking ridiculous.
What rock concert have you ever been to
where a girl did not get on the stage?
Anybody who toured with me will tell
you I was as straight as an arrow. I don't
like to defend myself, but that is one
time I will because it is so fucking un-
true. That stuff has always chapped my
ass. At another show, we were just hang-
ing out with a bunch of people. They
wanted to take pictures of us together
for their moms. Then all of a sudden, a
1 of me and one of them—some
in the Enquirer. 1 never laid a
finger on her, but I guess it's one of the
hazards of the occupation. The fact is
that sometimes what they say is true, and

each other's

when we're
apart," Billy the limo on the woy
Bob tells En-

MARRIAGE, INTERRUPTED

ihe billy bob and angelina saga

Spring 1998: Billy Bob and Angelina
Jolie meet on the set cf Pushing Tin.
Jolie says, "I remember leaning against
the wall thinking, What happened?
Why can’t! breathe?" Thornton's ver-
sion: “It was like touching the door
after rubbing your feet on the carpet.
Like—whoa!”

February 1999: Angelina divorces first
husband, Jonny Lee Miller.

May 2000: The happy couple elopes
to Vegas, opting for the $120 package
(two photos plus organ music) at the
Little Church of the West. Later, in с
document that is notarized, Thornton
vows that he will never leave her,
signing his name in blood

Summer 2000: The duo gives numer-
ous interviews, groping and nibbling in
front of cameras on both coasts. "We
wear each other's un-
derwear when we're
apart,” Billy Bob tells
Entertainment Tonight
At the MTV Movie
underwear Awards, he cheerfully
confesses that the
couple "just fucked” in

to the show.

ferksinment November 2001: As
goodwill ambassador
Tonight. for the United Nations
High Commission for
Refugees, Angelina
visits Cambodia, where she falls in
love with a little boy in an orphanage.
Adoption proceedings begin.

April 2002: Billy Bob опа his band
embark on a tour of Europe.

Moy 2002: The INS finalizes the adop-
tion. The boy, Maddox, joins his mother
on the set of Beyond Borders in Africo.
Billy Bob continues touring—but Angeli-
no is a no-show at his concerts.

June 2002: Trouble in paradise be-
comes public. “I think he's on tour,”
Angelina tells Entertainment Tonight.
"| haven't talked to him in o while."

July 2002: She files for divorce, citing
irreconcilable differences, and asks for
the right to keep all her earnings.

January 2003: Angelina tells a friend
that she's having her Billy Bob tattoos
removed. li's a one-way street: Billy
Bob keeps his tattoos.

59

PLAYBOY

60 you die

sometimes it's not, and sometimes it al-
ters your life.

PLAYBOY: Although they know it's your
job, most women would have a difficult
time watching their husbands in such a
raw sex scene as the one you did with
Halle Berry in Monster's Ball. Was it just
an average workday for you?
THORNTON: No, it was pretty stressful
and kind of uncomfortable. You're liter-
ally showing your ass to people. You're
thinking your mom is going to see it.
You have to put all that out of your head
It was really intense, but I would feel
worse about doing a scene like that if it
was at all gratuitous, which it was not. It
was raw, fucked-up human emotion, two
losers coming together with all the anger
and frustration and passion that they
had inside themselves.

PLAYBOY: Apparently the European cut
has more sex. Why is the American ver-
sion different?

THORNTON: According to the ratings
board, you can have five breasts, but not
six, in one cut. Bullshit like that. The on-
ly real difference is that you hold on
things longer. It's just like a minute lon-
ger, but it makes it more intense.
PLAYBOY: How was it to watch the scene?
THORNTON: I sat through it once, thought
it was good. I try to watch my movies
without thinking it's me. Unfortunately,
I usually play characters that reveal part
of me. I can’t help it. That character in
Monster's Ball was kind of like my E
PLAYBOY: How was he like your father?
THORNTON: He was a guy whose father
was way more redneck than he was, but
it rubbed off on him. 1 also looked like
my dad in the movie. After the fact, you
often see things. When you look back on
your work, you go, “Wow, I always do
write movies where the father is either
nasty or absent.” I operate in the sub-
conscious. When I do everyday things—
watch ESPN, play with my kids—I'm of-
ten operating someplace else. Whatever
I do as an artist comes out of that place.
There's me, there's this other place and
then there's a third place, too. If I'm
alone for very long, I start to think about
too many scary things, which may be an-
other reason I like to be married.
PLAYBOY: Scary things like what?
THORNTON: Komodo dragons.

PLAYBOY: Komodo dragons?

THORNTON: The whole idea of dinosaurs
and dragons is really frightening.
PLAYBOY: But why Komodo dragons in
particular?

THORNTON: Because 1 don't know why
they are here. It's a dragon, for Christ's
sake. Why would we have dragons any-
more? In tales, the guy cuts the
dragon to pieces because he is trying to
get the damsel out of the tower. Dragons
are evil. Komodo dragons have this hor-
ribly toxic bacteria in their mouths.
When they bite you, you go blind. Then
they all gather around you and watch
e they are watching fucking

television. They don't cat you right away.
They wait till you die. Then they eat you.
PLAYBOY: Maybe you know too much
about Komodo dragons.

THORNTON: | tend to learn a lot about
what I fear.
PLAYBOY: Haye you ever seen onc?

THORNTON: Angie and I were in Cam-
bodia at a zoo. She saw the thing and
grabbed me and put her hand over my
eyes. God bless her for that. She was the
only person 1 ever knew who actually
went along with all my phobias and shit.
One night I woke up after dreaming that
the house was burning. I said, “We have
to go to a hotel right now.” She put to-
gether a bag and we went to the Sunset
Marquis and stayed three nights. I have
nightmares, Once a Komodo dragon
was up on the side of the bed, which
freaked me out so bad that I cannot tell
you. So we woke up and she goes, "OK.
It's OK.” We went to the hotel.

PLAYBOY: Have you ever seen a psychia-
trist about your fears?

THORNTON: І know what they are. They
have nothing to do with my uncle play-
ing with my weenie when I was four.
They are fucking dragons that have no
focus other than killing.

PLAYBOY: But there are no dragons in
Beverly Hil
THORNTON: They put them in zoos and
shit. What if one got out? Some woman
called and wanted to know if I would
make a donation to save the Komodo
dragons. No. If I could, I would fly over
there with a helicopter and mow them
all down. Because they are fucking drag-
ons. They are dinosaurs. I grew up
watching Raquel Welch and all those
people being fucking flung around by
ptcrodactyls and shit.

PLAYBOY: There are no movies in which
old chairs attack people, yet you appar-
ently have a phobia about furniture.
THORNTON: Certain antique furniture.
PLAYBOY: What furniture?

THORNTON: Louis XIV. Victorian kind of
shit. Old European furniture. Shit you
would find in a castle in Scotland.
PLAYBOY: Why does it bother you?
THORNTON: | have no idea. It just seems
like you would not want to eat anywhere
near it. It makes me think of people sit-
ting around with those big puffy neck
things that the queens used to wear. And
the dust and the moldy odor. God knows
how often they bathed and shit. I think
the fear has a lot to do with cleanliness.
PLAYBOY: Like your character in Monster’s
Ball, is it true that you prefer cating with
plastic utensils?

THORNTON: Yes, but it’s not like the drag-
on thing. I like things in little plastic
packets that you can open, because I
don't know who cleaned the silverware.
Antique silverware? Forget it. But I use
silverware when I go to restaurants.
PLAYBOY: Arc you superstitious?
THORNTON: I have quirl
PLAYBOY: Joel Coen once said that you

are “bizarrely unneurotic,” except you
insisted on driving around a particu-
lar coffee store seven times before you
would go to work. Why?
THORNTON: I just get some things stuck
in my head.
PLAYBOY: You got it in your head that you
had to drive around a Coffee Bean and
"Tea Leaf shop seven times?
THORNTON: Yes.
PLAYBOY: Did you inherit superstitions
from your mother, who is a psychic?
THORNTON: I don't know how supersti-
tious she is. Her stuff is based on actual
supernatural phenomena.
PLAYBOY: As opposed to yours?
THORNTON: At lcast some of mine is ob-
sessive-compulsive behavior. It's the
kind of stuff doctors say is based on chil-
dren being out of control or abused.
PLAYBOY: How about in your case?
THORNTON: Let's just say it comes from
being nervous all the time. You start to
develop these little tricks in your head,
like, If I just break this toothpick into
three even pieces, my father will come
home in a good mood and he won't beat
me. It becomes a protection. I still have
some of that, but I don't feel like it's run-
ning my life.
PLAYBOY: Were you always afraid of your
father?
THORNTON: Yes, but | understand my
daddy's anger toward me now. He could
have been more than he was. He was
jealous of me. He just wanted me to like
football, but I liked art. I was sensitive.
He saw that I was creating something
and couldn't handle it. I was not some
wild-ass kid, but I wasn't his kind of guy
PLAYBOY: Did you try to be?
THORNTON: 1 don't think I knew him well
enough to try. I was nervous whenever
he came home, because he was always
pissed off. 1 didn't want to get into an ar-
gument with him.
PLAYBOY: Did he ever beat you bad
enough to send you to the hospi
THORNTON: No, no. He just whipped the
shit out of me with his belt.
PLAYBOY: Did your mother try to protect
you from him?
THORNTON: My mother always protected
always cool to my mom. My
a strong woman. It was in-
teresting growing up with а psychic for a
mom and a high school basketball coach
for a dad. It sets you apart.
PLAYBOY: Did your mother do readings
and predict your future?
THORNTON: Mostly I just got it by associa-
tion. I watched her. All the books in our
house were Indian books and spiritual
books and books on
PLAYBOY: Did your friends think it was
weird?
THORNTON: In the beginning, 1 guess.
PLAYBOY: Your character in Bandils is
afraid of the actor Charles Laughton
Are you?
THORNTON; No. I'm afraid of Benjamin
(continued on page 148)

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SYNDROME

2003

MILLIONS OF PEOPLE LIVE IN THE SHADOW OF THE INDIAN POINT NUCLEAR POWER PLANT.
GOVERNMENT AND COMPANY OFFICIALS SAY THE PLANT'S RADIOACTIVE WASTE IS SAFE.
BUT AN INSIDER WHO WON'T BE SILENCED TELLS A DIFFERENT—AND ALARMING—STORY

Q

BY RENE CHUN

Below, the containment domes at Indian Point. On September 11, 2001, American Airlines
Flight 11 flew over Indian Paint before it slammed into the north tower of the World Trade Center.

ILLUSTRATION BY MALCOLM TARLOFSKY

“THE CHANCES OF AN ATTACK ARE HIGH. AL QAEDA
KNOWS THE TARGET SETS. THEY HAVE PEOPLE STUDY-

ING NUCLEAR ENGINEERING AT UNIVERSITIES HERE.”

e, the glow of an Indian Point spent-fuel
Belo of compressed hydrogen.

Worst of all, he is sure that what is ob-
vious to him is obvious to a terrorist.

“The chances of an attack on that
plant are tremendously high,” says Zeh
At six feet and 208 pounds, the 44-year-
old security supervisor looks as impos
ing as he did when he played strong
safety at New Mexico Highlands Uni-
versity. He's a bit fleshier now, with more
girth and jowls. Wearing a muscle shirt
and sporting a brush cut (a throwback to
his days in the Army], he could be Bruce
Willis’ stunt double in Die Hard. He
speaks with the authority of a law en-
forcement professional. "Al Qaedo
knows the target sets. It's no secret. They
have people studying nuclear engineer-

ing at universities here. They come from
Syria, Yemen, all around the Middle East.”

Before he was placed on administro-
tive leave for, he believes, pointing out
dangerous security lapses, Zeh was a
model employee. In 2000 he received
the commendation of Supervisor of the
Millennium from Wackenhut
Nuclear Security Then he be-
gan to doubt

“Nobody hos ever rocked
the boat like Foster has,” says
George McSpedon, an ex-
Marine and former co-worker
of Zeh’s at Indian Point
"They're going to try to slan-
der him any way they can. But
Foster knows his stuff. If 1 had
to sit in a trench over in
Kuwait with somebody, I'd
wont that person to be Foster.
I've always trusted him."

Over the years, Zeh has be
come increasingly concerned
about the rickety, inept de-
fense that protects America's
most lethal “soft targets.” In
this case, the target is 35 miles
from Times Square. Foster Zeh
has decided to tell his story in
fullfor the first ime—in these
pages. He is going to talk
about nuclear security from
the inside out. He will report
on dangerous conditions at In-
dian Point's spentfuel pools
that until now have been hid-
den from the public, denied
by Indian Point officials and
whitewashed by the Nuclear
Regulatory Commission. Zeh's
allegations are convincing to many in
the industry, and his ossessments put
New York City closer to a nu
clear disaster than most people
could imagine.

“It's one of the worst,” says
Pete Stockton when asked about
Indian Point. Stockton was a spe-
cial assistant to the secretory of
energy in the Clinton odministra-
tion and now works with a
watchdog group called the Pro-
ject on Government Oversight.
“It's a lack of thought in their de-
fensive plan, it’s fatigued guords
who work too much overtime,
it’s the troining of the guords,
everything. Few of our plonts

him an

are ready for a real terrorist attack.”

Security at nuclear plants now is com
parable to security at the nation’s air
ports before September 11—a weak
government agency sets the standards,
and the utilities hire the cops themselves.
In 2002, during his State of the Union

address, President Bush warned the na-
tion of vulnerabilities at nucleor facili-
ties. “A yeor later, the NRC hos done
nothing to improve the safety and secu-
rity of our nation’s nuclear power
plants,” says Senator Harry Reid of
Nevada. With five other senators, Reid
has recenily reintroduced the Nuclear
Security Act after it stalled in Congress
last year. “In foct, the only step the NRC
has token is to say it's unoble to calcu-
late the risk of a terrorist ottack and will
therefore not include that as a risk factor
when it considers opening new focilities
The NRC has been so negligent that one
third of the employees working for the
agency question its dedication to safety.
Something must be done.”

But, as Foster Zeh was to learn, telling

LES
PEAK INJURY ZONE

Twenty million people live within
this zone. Though rodiation here
would not reach the 450,000 mil-
lirems needed to cause immediate
death, residents would be at risk for
increased rates of cancer and other
radiction-ralnied diseoses. (Cber-
nobyl—which is not near n major
city—loh 70,000 people disnhlod

nnd a total of 34 million affected by

rndintion.) Food nnd water would

likely be poisoned ns for as 40 miles

ой—ап nreo thot includes nll of
d New York City’s mojor reservoirs.

[=
b í

wy

SUSSEX

IMAGINE A GROUND ZERO THE SIZE OF RHODE ISLAND

WEST PEAK INJURY го

50 Et г

NEW YORK

N De
CONNECTICUT

| Aboat 300,000 people ive within In-
dinn Point‘s evncaation nreo. Get-
ting them out nheod of n radioactive
cloud would be tough. Studies show
| that nearly three-quarters of ener-
geocy workers would ditch duties to
aid their own families. There would

NUCLEAR MW SACHES TER" io he a massive “shadow evacua-

PLANT
ROCKLAND

tion." During the 1979 Three Mile
Islnnd crisis, 3400 people were or-
| dered to evacaate but 144,000 tried
| to flee nnd clogged rocds—a night-

1982 NRC study, n
meltdowe at one of Indian Point's
two reactors could cause up to
50,000 deaths in the first yenr,
14,000 additioaal cancer deaths and
167,000 cases of radiation-relaled
disobilties. The study's estimate of
mnsimum property dumnge wos
‘$580 hillion (in today's dolinrs but
nat ndjusted for increased property |
values). A huge swath of Innd world
be lost for decades. (The 1986 melt-
down ot Cheraobyl left 12,400
square miles uninhnhitoble.

the world about the dongers of o nuclear
power plant operoting in Manhattan's
shodaw would have dangers all its own

Zeh stands оп o bonk of the Hudson
looking across o bend in the river ot In
dion Point's three signoture containment
domes. They loom over the river valley

(NEW JERSEY

like giant concrete sculptures while
steam rises lozily from odjacent build-
ings. He points to the northernmost
dome. "That's Indion Point 2," he soys.
"The ather big one is Indion Point 3. The
small one in the middle is Indian Point
1—it was shut down in 1974 because it
hod no emergency core cooling system.”
The other two hove been operating since

mpra sceanrio in the congested New
York area and tri-state suburbs.

the mid-Seventies, ond they hove hod oll
sorls of operational foilures—including
the releose of radicoctive water in 1993
and ogoin in 2000.

Something cotches Zeh's eye, and he
points ogain. “See the glare from thot
windshield? That's o security vehicle—
the guard just gove his position oway.
Notice thot oll the guord stotions are on

the roofs of the low buildings, which
leaves them vulnerable to being shot at
from the hills that form a basin around
the plant.” Later he drives past the guard
post at the entrance to Indian Point's
driveway. Not only is there no guard,
but the gate is wide open.

Zeh studies lines of fire through force
of habit. Ever since his first job as direc-
tor of the internal fraud division at Gim-
bel's, Zeh has been obsessed with the
security business, auditing corporate se-
curity courses at colleges and attending
every seminar, conference and conven-
tion he could find. "I wanted to learn as
much about guards, gates and guns as
possible,” Zeh explains. “If some guy was
giving a speech like 'How to Harden a
Target,’ I'd be sitting front and center.”

Zeh, а New York native, joined the
Army in his 20s and was trained as a
combat air traffic controller. After tours
of duty in Bosnia and the Persian Gulf,
he was stationed at West Point, where
he guarded visiting dignitaries. With o
rucksack full of military awards, includ-
ing the Medal of Heroism from the Amer-
ican Legion, Zeh went back home to up-
state New York and looked for some-

hut’s slick, oction-packed recruiting
video and being inspired—the guards
were portrayed as an elite paramilitary
force. Instead of chasing shoplifters and
eating doughnuts, they rappelled out of
helicopters and practiced counterterror-
ism tactics. The gear was impressive too:
Kevlar vests, cordless microphone head-
sets and big guns with infrared sights.
Zeh believed he was in good compa-
ny. Fellow recruits included a gunnery
sergeant with 25 years’ experience in
the Marine Corps and another classmate
with 15 years of military service. "We
were so excited,” he recalls of his ear-
ly trainee days. “We thought we were
getting the chance to serve our coun-
try again. But it was a big con. There

THE SPENT-FUEL POOL LOOKS LIKE AN OLYMPIC
POOL, EXCEPT FOR THE GLOW FROM THE WATER.
THE AIR IS STIFLING, LIKE A YMCA FROM HELL.

thing in his backyard that he could be
paid to protect. He was hired by Wack-
enhut as a security officer at Indian Point
2 in 1997.

Zeh remembers watching Wacken-

weren't any SWAT drills or fancy equip

ment. The job was about sitting on a

folding chair and staring at a door.”
Hawever, there was one sight that

[continued on page 78)

MOBILE CHERNOB

SCENARIO: Attack shipments of
highly toxic substances as they are
being transported by truck ar train.

HIGH-TECH PLAN: A timing
device blows up a train carryini
sulfur dioxide as it passes throug}
a populaus area; effects could ex-
tend 15 miles.

LOW-TECH PLAN: Hop the
fence ot a water treatment plant,
steal a tanker truck of chlorine and
drive it into Dodger Stadium. Chlo-
rine gas can stay lethal to a dis-
tance of 20 miles.

FEASIBILITY: “It would be such a
simple task to hook up a trailer,
drive it right into the middle of New
York and just open the valves," says
Peter Mackay, managing editor af
Hazardous Cargo Bulletin.

BEEN TRIED? Chechen rebels
toke out ines all the time.

FATALITIES: Depending on the
locatian and wind, up to tens of
thousands

FOR TERROR

BHOPAL USA

UN

ive

4 Ze aA
SCENARIO: Sabotage or bomb
a major chemical factary—the
EPA has identified 123 plants
araund the cauntry that threaten
a millian ar mare local residents.

HIGH-TECH PLAN: Hock into
command-ond-contral systems
and release a super toxic claud

with na telltale explosion.

LOW-TECH PLAN: Drive a
truck bomb up fo the compound.

FEASIBILITY: A 1999 federal
gavemment study found security
t terrarists ot chemical fa-
"fair ta paor.” No major
nal safety measures have
been instituted since the attacks
on September 11.
BEEN TRIED: An attempt was
made recently on an Israeli fuel
depot.

FATALITIES: The Army Surgeon
General's worst-case estimate is
2.4 million deaths and injuries.

PIPE BOMB FROM HELL

SCENARIO: Blow up a major fuel
artery like the Alaska pipeline.

HIGH-TECH PLAN: Use simulta-
neous blasts a! several paints
along a pipeline, halting through-
put and causing huge spills.

LOW-TECH PLAN: Shoat the
damn thing.

FEASIBILITY: In October 2001,
a drunk put a hole in the Trans-
Alaska Pipeline with a .338-caliber
rifle, shutting it dawn for three
days and spilling 285,000 gallons.
The damage: $20 milliarı.

BEEN TRIED? Al Quedo has
tried ta blaw up pipelines in Saudi
Arabia. Rebels with the Revolution-
ary Armed Farces af Colombia at-
tacked a mojar oil artery 170 times
in 2001, disabling it for 266 days.

FATALITIES: The destruction of a
rural pipeline wauld hove severe
есопатіс consequences, but an
attack on any of 30 interstate nat-
ural gas pipelines, which run
through numeraus papulated ar-
eos and residential neighbar-
hoods, could cause explosions and
localized fatalities.

WHERE WILL THE NEXT ATTACK TAKE
PLACE? HOW WILL IT OCCUR? THE POS
SIBILITIES ARE NUMEROUS AND DEADLY

SHOCK TREATMENT

‘SCENARIO:
tricity supply of a major city.

HIGH-TECH PLAN: Destroy
electronic systems with electro-
magnetic pulses. An engineer
could assemble it with campo-
nents available an the Internet.

LOW-TECH PLAN: Blow up Cal-
ifarnio's Path 15, on 84-mile ar-
tery that links the narthern and
southem parts af the state—and
hape it cripples the whale network.

FEASIBILITY: Con be dane with
“easy, small attacks,” says Andy
Oppenheimer, weopans consult-
ant to Jane's Infarmatian Group.

BEEN TRIED? Mooist rebels in
Nepal regularly blaw up relay
stations on the grid, disrupting
electricity far days or weeks.

FATALITIES: “It could be devos-
tating,” says Oppenheimer. "Traf-
fic lights, satellites, radios and
camputes /ou've got a major
disaster. It’s not going to be с
bloodless attack.”

IM THE BILLIONAIRE
WHO GOT OUT OF
ENRON IN TIME.

Bos

WHAT NATURE MADE BEAUTIFUL, HERB RITTS MADE IMMORTAL

hen Cindy Crawford, supermodel
ofall supermodels, appeared in PLAYBOY in July 1988,
renowned celebrity photographer Herb Ritts had to
be behind the lens. That's because Ritts was the
rare talent who could not just capture Crawford's
sensuality but elevate it to perfection.

Ritts, who died in Los Angeles last December of
complications from pneumonia, left a legacy of im-
ages that made him as famous as his subjects. His
PLAYBOY pictorials of Elle Macpherson (May 1994),
Stephanie Seymour (March 1991) and Brigitte
Nielsen (December 1987) were instant classics, as
was Crawford's encore in October 1998. And al-
though Ritts was best known as a photographer of
the world's most beautiful women, his subjects
ranged from athletes (Magic Johnson) to movie stars
(Elizabeth Taylor) to world leaders (the Dalai Lama).

Ritts handled celebrities deftly because he grew
up among them in Hollywood (neighbor Steve Mc-
Queen was a babysitter). He eamed an economics
degree and briefly worked in the family furniture busi-
ness, but his destiny as a photographer was sealed
when he used a new camera to photograph friend
Richard Gere at a desert gas station. Gere was soon
a star, and Ritts the photographer of the stars.

Ritts’ work is larger than life, a reflection of the
man and his remarkable talent. He will be missed.

Cindy Crawford By Herb Ritts

70 SEE MORE CLASSIC HERB RITTS PHOTOGRAPHS Elle Macpherson By Herb Ritts
AT CYBER PLAYBOY COM

Elle Macpherson By Herb Ritts

W^
TUE

Brigitte Nielsen By Herb Ritts

Cindy Crawford By Herb Ritts

76

HIGH-EN

got money to burn? sink it into

ByRAYFOLEY

“May I mix you a
cocktail, sir?” the bar-
tender asks. “Ah, an
excellent choice. Now,
if you will just fill

out this credit applica-
tion.” That scenario
isn’t too far-fetched,
considering the latest
watering-hole trend:
luxury libations that
max out your credit
card before they give
you a buzz. Whether
you’re blowing a few
hundred on specialty
liqueur or $12,000 on
a gem-infused martini,
you don’t want to spill

a single drop.

PHOTOGRAPHY BY JAMES INBROGNO

Distillers’ Masterpiece
Mint Julep

Porcini

Louisville, KY

2 ounces Distillers’
Masterpiece
Kentucky bourbon

1% teaspoons minted
syrup

mint sprig

Pour bourbon over
crushed ice in a

silver julep cup.

Adi ined yab

and stir thoroughly.
Garnish with mint sprig
and serve with

a short straw.

An upgrade of the
traditional Kentucky Derby
drink for those who own
the horses they bet on.

$48

The World
World Bar
Trump World Tower
New York City

% ounce Remy Martin XO

% ounce Pineau des
Charentes aperitif wine

% ounce grape juice

% ounce lemon juice

% ounce simple syrup

dash Angostura bitters

Veuve Clicquot champagne

23-karat edible liquid gold

Shake all ingredients
except champagne and
liquid gold with ice and
strain into a trumpet flute.
Top off with champagne
and a dash of liquid gold.

Admit it: You've always
wonted to drink gold.

$50

1800 Coleccion
Margarita

Dos Caminos
New York City

1% ounces 1800
Coleccion tequila
1 ounce Grand Marnier
cures freshly.
lime juice

Blend all ingredients with
ice and serve in a
margarita glass. Lime
wheel optional.

You can get it with salt
for no extra charge!

$125

SPIRITS

these costly cocktails instead

The Manor Stinger
The Manor
West Orange, NJ

2 ounces Remy Martin
Louis XIII cognac

% ounce Marie Brizard
white créme de
menthe

Shake cognac and
crème de menthe with
ice and strain into

a snifter.

Welcome to the new
age of conspicuous
consumption.

$250

Millionaire Rob Roy
Prime Steakhouse
Bellagio Hotel

Los Vegas

2 ounces 50-year-old
Macallan scotch

% ounce Dubonnet Red

% ounce Lillet Blonde

dash Angostura bitters

brandied cherry

Stir all ingredients with
ice and strain into a
Gilad раа
Garnish with the
brandied cherry.

The 50-year-old Macallan
(53700, in a lead-free
crystal decanter) gives this
kilt lifter a kick. Just right
with a plate of haggis.

$575

CV Rouge
Villa Nova
Newport Beach, CA

1% ounces L'Esprit de
Courvoisier cognac

1 ounce cranberry juice

champagne

sugar cube

Stir cognac and
cranberry juice with

ice and strain into a
five-ounce martini glass.
Top with champagne and
add sugar cube.

The perfect
oprös-surf pick-me-up.
Send dod the bill.

$650

Engaging Martini
Oak Bar

Fairmont Copley Plaza
Boston

2 ounces Finlandia
vodka

dash of dry vermouth

2 olives

diamond ring

Stir vodka and vermouth
wilh ice and strain

into a chilled martini
glass. Garnish with
ара [мези a
one-carat diamond
engagement ring.

The Oak Bar’s version
includes dinner for two
and a hotel suite stocked
with champagne, choco-
lates and flowers. The
chunk of ice in her drink
will seal the deal.

$12,750

7

PLAY ROT

78

CHINA SYNDROME „оа from page 68)

“My friends in intelligence constantly talk about
how we are approaching a boiling point,” says Zeh.

transfixed Zeh. When he visited the In-
dian Point 2 spent-fuel pool during
one of his first on-the-job-training
shifts in the summer of 1997, he
couldn't believe his eyes. Housed in an
unremarkable metal structure was
what could have been mistaken for an
Olympic-size swimming pool, if it
weren't for the handrail encircling it
and the eerie glow emanating from the
water in it. Zeh looked closely and
watched a steady stream of bubbles,
generated by the circulating currents
below, make their way up from the lu-
minous depths. The bubbles contained
minute quantities of radon gas, re-
leased when they popped at the sur-
face. The air was stifling, thick with hu-
midity and heat. It was like a YMCA
from hell

Known as “shrink-off,” the turquoise
light is generated by the thousand or so
spent-fuel rods submerged like pulsing
neon bulbs. Zeh gazed at the plant’s
mother lode of nuclear waste. (About
800 tons of irradiated fuel rods are cur-
rently stored at Indian Point 2's spent-
fuel pool. Indian Point 3's pool holds
more than 600 tons of nuclear waste.
Indian Point 1, decommissioned in
1974, has its own pool of 100 tons
what the plant workers call “old shi
It leaks 25 gallons of water a day. Ac-
cording to the NRC and Entergy, the
water is recovered in a drain and does
not pose a hazard to the public.)

“Sheer insanity,” Zeh told his super-
visor when he learned the building's
only guard post was under the cav-
ernous roof three flights up. “Everyone
has access to the fuel-storage building,
even janitors. They can walk in and ac-
tually look at the racks in the water.”
Then there was the storage building it-
self. It looked like a decrepit airplane
hangar with masonry walls and a leaky
tin roof. This metal shack and a lone
guard were all that stood between some-
one bent on destruction and one of the
largest amounts of radioactive waste on
the Eastern seaboard.

Alter just a year on the job, Zeh be-
gan complaining to his superiors about
security lapses and inadequate training
procedures. “There were guards who
arrived more concerned with getting
breakfast orders in than they were with
actually getting on post. And it's only
gotten worse,” he says incredulously.

Rather than act on any of Zeh's ob-
servations, both Wackenhut and Con-
solidated Edison, which was then the

owner and operator of the Indian
Point 2 nuclear reactor, praised his job
performance. Eventually Zeh worked
his way to the top of Indian Point 2's
wage scale, pulling down $22.09 an
hour as a shift supervisor. Along with
the higher pay came greater responsi-
bilities, from training new recruits in
the classroom and on the firing range
to coordinating the mock attack drills
that the NRC uses to test a plant's abil-
ity to defend itself.

“My friends in the CIA, FBI and Se-
cret Service constantly talked about
how we are approaching a boiling
point and that it's just a matter of time
before somebody realizes how vulnera-
ble we are," he says. "After 9/11, I start-
ed studying possible terrorist scenar-
ios. The tactical aspect was always in
my mind, but it took the attack on the
twin towers for me to realize that in a
50-mile radius of Indian Point there
are 20 million people. I would never
have thought about it that way.”

Nuclear power plants are simple op-
erations, really. They harness the heat
of a controlled nuclear reaction to pro-
duce steam, which drives turbines and
creates electricity. Indian Point 2 and 3
are pressurized-water reactors. As with
the other 101 commercial nuclear reac-
tors in the U.S., the IP reactors use en-
riched uranium as fuel, manufactured
as rods of pellets bundled in a protec-
tive zirconium casing. These rods are
placed in the reactor and bombarded
with neutrons, causing some of the
uranium atoms to fission, or split, into
two lighter atoms, thereby releasing a
tremendous amount of heat.

After 18 to 24 months in a reactor,
the uranium in fuel rods still generates
a great deal of heat and radioactivity
but is no longer efficient for use in gen-
eraung electricity. Like all domestic nu-
clear power plants, Ini
moves these intensely radioactive spent
rods and stores them in cooling water.

Reactors are housed in containment
domes constructed of steel-reinforced
concrete from three and a half to si
feet thick. The idea is that if an acci-
dent occurred, the dome would con-
tain the radioactivity—if, of course, the
dome remained intact. (Radioactive
atoms have trouble passing through
substances such as lead, concrete and
water.) Loss of the plant's cooling sys-
tem can lead to a meltdown of the reac-

tor's core. The fuel gets so hot (5000
degrees) that it melts through the con-
crete and metal foundation beneath
the reactor, and keeps going, and go-
ing, thus earning its designation, the
China Syndrome.

Because there is no explosion, the
immediate result of a meltdown is far
less dramatic than that of a hydrogen
bomb. The danger lies in the extreme
amounts of radioactivity, either air-
borne or in the form of contaminated
water, released into the atmosphere.
More than 4000 Ukrainians have died
from cancer and other diseases from
exposure to fallout produced by Cher-
nobyl's meltdown in 1986. Ukraine's
Health Ministry estimates one in 16 of
the country’s 49 million inhabitants
suffers from serious health disorders
linked to the accident. People in Kiev,
70 miles south of Chernobyl, are
known to use Geiger counters when
they buy fresh produce. The Ukrainian
government has specified an 18-mile
exclusionary zone around the plant as
uninhabitable.

While a reactor's containment dome
serves as an inviting and symbolic ter-
rorist target, spent-fuel pools are con-
siderably softer targets. In the U.S.
they contain on average 10 to 20 times
morc radioactive material than a reac-
tor core. And none of the pools have
containment domes. A pool's waste is a
nasty cocktail of fission products that
includes unimaginable amounts of ce-
sium-137—a volatile radioactive iso-
tope with a half-life of 30 years. The
Chernobyl disaster sent about 2.4 mil-
lion curies of cesium-137 into the at-
mosphere, accounting for much of the
radiation exposure that ruined the land
around the plant. The spent-fuel pools
at Indian Point 2 and 3 contain more
than 75 million curies of cesium-137.

Foster Zeh often contemplates an ex-
clusionary zone around Indian Point.
‘The ecological impact from the release
of radiation in the pools would render
one of the carth's most densely popu-
lated areas a toxic wasteland. More-
over, the death toll could be well into
six figures, one of the worst ever from a
man-made event.

On September 8, 2002 at seven A.M.,
Zeh was called into Entergy's front of-
fice and told he had been hand-picked
to participate in an important NRC
drill: the Attachment 3 Inspection, an
exercise designed to evaluate Indian
Point's early warning detection system
and the guard force's ability to foil a
simulated terrorist attack. But instead
of the minimum standard four attack-
ers (three outsiders and one accom-
plice), the Indian Point guard force

(continued on page 140)

“Sorry, Alfred. We've changed our mind about the midnight swim.”

a new wave of group sex is on the
way—if you can make the cut

L | ke a thousand other cocktail parties
that Saturday night, this one kicked
off with polite introductions, chitchat and enough
liquor to help guests loosen up. By three in the morn-
ing, however, the invitation-only gathering in a Man-
hattan loft had evolved into something else entirely.

Seven guests had commandeered a king-size bed,
their candlelit naked bodies more entwined with one
another than with the leather sheets. Blonde, bru-
nette, thin, curvy, everyone touching, tasting, fucking.
A model-attractive woman happily buried her mouth
between another's long legs as a guy she had met two
hours before pumped her from behind. A man slowly
pulled out of his date and pressed against the lithe
woman sucking her nipples. She lifted her leg slightly
and he entered her. No foreplay. No stop signs. No big
deal. Our hostess, far from being appalled, looked on
proudly, one hand caressing a champagne flute, the
other a firm female ass. “Look how beautiful,” she
purred. “Everything is just right. See why | work so
hard? Everyone is fucking.”

Indeed, this orgy didn't just happen—it was meticu-
lously organized and carefully orchestrated. If you
were there, it was because you had already passed
several unspoken tests and been judged sufficient-
ly hip—and hot—to have sex with equally stylish
strangers. And if you were a guy, it was because a
beautiful woman had allowed you to tag along. The

orgy

by Tanya Corrin

new velvet-rope orgy scene blossoming in cities across
America is not only highly exclusive, it's also driven by
the sexual curiosity of young female trendsetters, suc-
cessful in-crowd beauties who want to walk, and rut,
on the wild side before life gets too damn boring. And
me? Well, | was one of them
REAL PLAYERS DON'T WEAR PANTIES

It began with Karyn, a friend | ran into at a coffee
shop one morning. We'd shared details of our sex lives
before, and her telltale glow meant she'd just gotten
laid. At first she didn’t want to give up details, so | fig-
ured it must be good. (For the record, Karyn is hot—
toned, with long wavy hair.) Between puffs on her Gi-
tane, she confessed that the night before, she and her
fiancé had attended a sex party in a suite at a luxury
hotel in Midtown. “It was good. Really good,” she
said. “The men were polite and the women all had
fun.” Wide-eyed, | asked if she had made out with a
girl. Karyn’s eyes got fuzzy, and I got the picture.

| was intrigued. I'd heard whispers about a new sex
scene. I'd never seriously considered attending an
orgy— wasn't even aware they still existed—but this
one sounded enticingly glamorous. Karyn was no
more sexually adventurous than | was, right? | pes-
tered her tor weeks, and finally she introduced me to
Gabriella, a beautiful 30-year-old half-Italian, half-
Cuban interior designer. As a player on the burgeoning

PHOTOGRAPHY BY GEORGE GEORGIOU

Manhattan sex party scene, Gabriella could grant me
entrée—or not. When we met, she told me her own
story, probably to judge my reaction.

Gabriella, | learned, has always liked playing with
women, and her boyfriend, Ron, likes to watch. “We
used to go to bars and try to pick up women,” she
said. “At first it was fun. But with threesomes you wor-
ry that the single woman is going to fall in love with
you—or try to steal your man.” So they looked for
young couples more like themselves: people happy in
their relationships but wanting to experiment. They
checked out personal ads on alt.matchmaker.com and
nerve.com. Most wanted to full-swap, which involves
the women having sex with each other's partners.
Gabby and Ron were only after girl-on-girl stuff, fol-
lowed by V and E—voyeurism and exhibitionism (hav-
ing sex in front of the other couple). Gabby calls this
“same-room play.” Plus, she told me bluntly, most of
the couples “just weren't good-looking enough.”

So Gabby took charge. Using a Yahoo e-mail group,
she sent invitations to the first meeting of a social club
she dubbed Rendezvous. In months the group grew to
80 screened couples who met at upscale bars. Even-

tually, a Rendezvous member took over the reins,
changed the name to Flirt and started charging $60
per couple. At the end of our chat, Gabby invited me
to the next Flirt event. | was in! Or so | thought.

Two weeks later Flirt members gathered at a plush
lounge called Lava Gina (La Vagina, get it?). When |
arrived, Gabby waved me over as Ron jumped up to
fetch cocktails. She smiled and said, “At Flirt, the
women are in control. It has to be that way. Otherwise
the men are all just animals.”

Thirty couples, some regulars, some newcomers, all
young, fit and richly groomed, circulated in the red
glow. They swapped numbers and made play dates.
Many, especially the newbies, seemed unaware that
this was merely the casting call for the main attraction.
As all its party invitations emphasize, Flirt is a starting
point, not a destination.

Preparties are key to maintaining the necessary
snob factor for today’s sexual crusaders. A couple (you
must be part of a couple, no single guys allowed) who
are adventurous enough to show up have no guaran-
tee of an invitation to an afterparty. They must look
and feel right before they are plucked out of the crowd

She handed
me her drink,
reached under
her skirt and

produced a
turquoise
hong, twirling
it on her finger.

Still, the anticipation that something wilder was about
to take place added a palpable erotic tension.

A tall, spectacular creature walked to the center of
the room, balancing a pink cocktail in a slender hand.
She had a taut body and long blonde hair. “Have you
met Ashley?” Gabby asked, pulling me to her. We
kissed lightly on the cheek. | complimented her shoes.
Ashley flirted back, saying | had beautiful eyes. Her
boyfriend, Seth, excused himself to the bar.

"| usually don't wear underwear,” she announced
abruptly. "But we just came from dinner with some
conservative friends." She handed me her cocktail,
reached under her vintage peasant skirt and deftly
produced a turquoise thong, twirling it around her fin-
ger. Seth returned with the drinks and we found a
booth near the back. Ashley, a 29-year-old architect,
told me how a year ago, while in LA on business, she
got drunk and fell into a threesome. She called Seth, a
corporate lawyer, at five a.m. to confess. But instead of
being angry, he was excited. They decided to seek out
new Sexual experiences. That's how they found Flirt.

As she spoke, she eyed a couple dirty-dancing near-
by. “Some couples get around a little too much. Peo-
ple call me arrogant and a prude, but | wouldn’t have
sex with anyone who can't get into Bungalow 8.”
Glancing at the turquoise panties sitting on the table,
it was hard to imagine anyone calling Ashley a prude,
but her offhand remark cut straight to a prime charac-
teristic of the new swinging scene. Where earlier sex-
ual pioneers were strongly tied to the counterculture,
these new swingers are part of the establishment.
Even when engaging in wildly promis-
cuous acts, it’s imperative to remain
selective, especially if you're young,
rich and beautiful. It's not so much
what you do—it's who you do. It's Ro-
man decadence combined with a high
school popularity contest.

Ashley said | should join her and
Seth for “a private party sometime.”
| scribbled down my phone number,

then found Gabby with a pair of
newcomers. They wore gold wed-
ding bands and wanted to swap
with another couple.

“Have you swapped before?” |
asked.

“No,” the man answered.

"But we're excited to give it a
try,” the wife said brightly.

Her husband didn't look excited.
Bold with alcohol, | asked, “How
would you feel if another man gave
your wife a better orgasm than you?”

His head jerked back as if I'd
punched him, “Whoa! That would
not be good.”

As we moved on, Gabby whis-
pered that they obviously weren't
going to be invited to any after-
parties. A full swap right off the
bat was too advanced for most of
this crowd, and she considered
blurting such a request inappropri-
ate and tacky, like doing the funky
chicken when everyone else is
waltzing. With this crew, there's
no greater faux pas than evoking
the stereotypical images of Seven-
ties swingers—the middle-aged,
fat guy with a disco medallion
buried in his chest hair, and his

PLAYTIME PROTOCOL

the insider's guide to party etiquette

Speak the lingo: Even group-sex greenhorns need to
leam the basics. Full swap: Trading partners with anoth-
er couple for intercourse. Soft swing: Engaging in fore-
play with another couple, then returning to your original
partner. Same-room play: Trading partners and messing
around in one room. Usually play implies everything but
intercourse. V/E: Voyeurism and exhibitionism: no swap-
ping, just watching and being watched. Different-room
play: Swapping with another couple, then heading to sep-
arate rooms for sex. Girl play: The girls do it while the
‚guys watch. Eat-in party: A private party where sex oc-
curs on the premises. Take-out party: A party for meet-
ing people and making arrangements to play later.

Dress to kill: Not you—your date. Everything hinges
оп your girlfriend’s appeal, and her willingness to dress in
an overtly sexual manner. Women should wear skirts and
eschew underwear. As for men, tight briefs are allowed
but considered tacky. Fitted boxers are preferred.

Stick to your role: When a couple is interested in an
unattached female, the woman of the pair makes the ap-
proach while the man politely lingers. He may assist in
closing the deal with comments like, “My girlfriend really
likes you. It would be wonderful if you'd make her happy.”
Flattery will get you everywhere—this is a vain crowd.

Give, don't take: You see 10 people in a group grope.
How to join in the fun? Take it slowly—feed an open
mouth strawberries, offer to rub an ankle. But always ask
permission first. Women are supposed to ask before they
initiate contact, too, but once the fondling gets fast and
furious, they tend to just reach out and touch someone.

Let them talk about you: After a flirtatious conver-
sation between you, your date and another couple, they
will excuse themselves and have a conversation out of
earshot. They'll decide what they want to do—if any-
thing—and get back to you. Be good-natured about it.

Know where you're going: Local gatherings can be
found online (lifestyles-convention.com). Clubs and par-
ties can be either on the premises, meaning the action
goes down right there (see Chicago's Club Adventure at
www.clubadventure.org), or off the premises, meaning
you make your own arrangements with the people you
meet (see Maryland's Rendezvous at secretrendezvous.
net). For velvet-rope-style parties you need an invite.
Check out organizations like Flirt (flirtnyc.com), Skin
(skinparty.com) and One Leg Up (onelegupnyc.com).
Make your application—and then head to the gym.

partsuited partner in too much makeup, with baked
ziti on her breath.

The last couple | met at the bar were Matt and Kel-
ly. She had a sorority girl's blonde bob and wore a
short red skirt and heels. Matt wore jeans and a sports
coat. It was their first Flirt party.

"I've never been with a girl before," Kelly said. "But
all my friends have at least kissed girls, and | want to
know what it's like."

“I'd like to see that!” Matt said

_ MEET L

Around 11 that night, Ron slipped napkins on
which he'd scribbled an address into the palms of a
select few. He hailed a cab and held the door. | got in
with Gabby, who also had Kelly in tow. Ron and Matt
followed in another cab to a turn-of-the-century build-
ing. The elevator opened onto a spacious penthouse. |
felt weak in the knees. | could no longer pass as an ob-
server, а tourist; here | was expected to participate.

A busty blonde in a white lamé top served cham-
pagne. Above a fireplace, a flat-screen TV played an
erotic video that nobody bothered to watch. Gabby,
Kelly and I settled onto a leather couch, with me in the
middle. Matt and Ron stood behind, trying to look ca-
sual. Three other couples from Lava Gina sat around
the room. One was holding hands on a love seat. Two
others were across from us on a sofa. The women, a
busty Asian girl in a slinky red dress and a Nordic god-
dess in black, sat close, smiling and stroking each oth-
er's hair. A joint was passed. Then another. The con-
versation drifted into laughs and whispers, then lulled
while the hostess lit candles. Aaliyah's Rock the Boat
filled the room: "Work the middle . . . work the mid-
die." The room hummed with desire. Or maybe the
humming was in my head. After drinking a bunch of
those pink things at Lava Gina and all the French
champagne my hosts could pour, | was feeling floaty.
And aroused, All night | had been flirted with and flat-
tered. | knew | was heading for . . . something. Other
than an occasional halfhearted dalliance, | have never

(continued on page 150)

"We've agreed, then—earthlings cannot join the Intergalactic Federation until

they've improved the quality of their sitcoms.”

appropriate

SEX

Mr. Lowe had to deal with Mandy. She
was definitely coming on to him

86

his was a Friday in April, one of the last days of the term, and

the undergrads were all worked up. You could see it in the way
f they touched themselves, those lewd, innocent little caresses of
the self, the way they lingered over their cigarettes out on the steps, a
thousand bright sucking lips.

The dress code in my own class was terrifying. Cutoffs. Halter
tops. Garments that managed to fuse the sartorial aspirations of
sportswear and lingerie. Spring was finally here (finally! finally!) and
there was no holding the young skin back

We were critiquing a story called “Last Rites,” in which a moth
er mourning the death of her daughter decides, rather impulsively,
to pay a visit to the girl’s prize А
Arabian stallion. The dress code in my

“Whats the deal with the " "s iiine
horse?” said Brendan Mahoney. OW! class was terrifying.
“Is there something, like, going Spring was finally here and
on with the horse?” A | {

“Whar would be going on there was 9 holding the
with the horse?” said Nicole young skin back.

Buswell.

Nicole—pale, chubby, ardently sexless—was our leader for the
day. I myself didn’t lead discussions. | felt this would inhibit the class,
and my philosophy as a teacher back then was to disinhibit.

“I don’t know,” Brendan said. “I’m not saying anything, like,
explicit, but——" He looked down at his (continued on page 136)

LUSTRATION BY ISTVAN BANYA

88

Baseball
iS Dack!

Here are
the winners,
the losers
and why
2003 may
be the
sport’s best
year ever

۴

LE

THE PERFECT GAME

aseball is the only business
| | in America where the owners
keep telling the consumers
| their product is lousy, all in
the hope of paying their best
workers $15 million a year
instead of $18 million. In the mid-
dle of last summer’s labor strife,
Commissioner Bud Selig whined
about how teams needed to be con-
tracted, how various franchises
were on the verge of defaulting on
their payrolls and how the national

pastime was on its last legs.

Here’s a bulletin for Bud: Base-
ball is better than it’s ever been.
Last year’s World Series was as
good as it gets—the Angels and
the Giants entered the season as
long shots and ended it with seven
unforgettable games. And this sum-
mer promises more Cinderella
teams, more 100-mph fastballs
turned into 500-foot homers, more

players with outsize talent and
personalities to match. These are
baseball’s good old days. Need
further proof? Here are eight rea-
sons why there’s never been a bet-
ter time to watch a baseball game.

The game is tougher. For-
get those purists who speak in
hushed tones about the greatness
of Babe Ruth. We’re here to re-
mind you that Old Beer Gut never
played a night game or faced a
player of color. When Sammy Sosa

hits 292 homers in five years and
Pedro Martinez wins his fourth
ERA title in six, they’re doing it
under the toughest conditions ever.

_ Anyone can win. Let's talk
competitive balance. Can you say
World Champion Anaheim An-
gels? Sure, the Yankees are virtual
locks for the postseason, and a few
more teams have no hope—like
the dumb Kansas City Royals and
dumber Milwaukee Brewers. But
by substituting smarts for cash,
teams like the Twins won their di-
visions last year. And by showing
that even small-
town guys can
dream big, last

[Five Ways]

season's World
We m Series did noth-
Improve If ing less than

save the sport.

... Mr. Ваг-
ry Bonds. Like
him or loathe
him, you can-
not deny his

(1) DH the NL. Purists
hate the designated hit-
ter. But what's more
boring than watching Al
Leiter strike out against

Kerry Wood? greatness. No
(2) Speed up the game. опе, not Ted
Ри batters ond pitch- Williams, not

Mickey Man-
tle, ever tor-
mented pitch-
ers the way that
Bonds does.

ers оп ће dock. If we
can mop the human

genome, we con get o
baseball gome under

three hours. All right, he’s
(3) Honor Pete Rose. an asshole—
(4) Downplay the ding- ^ who cares?

ers: Set a minimum size
ond weight an bats;
move the batter's box o
few inches away from
the plate. Result: о
more strategic game.
(5) Appoint a new
leader. We have four
words: Baseball Com-
missioner David Wells.

|... The big
brain factor.
The real rea-
son the level of
the game is so
high today is
that everyone
is smarter (ex-
cept the Royals
and the Brew-
sters). Pitchers
download info
on laptops to learn which batters
will bite on a first slide; hitting
coaches pore over miles of video.
The upshot of this data deluge is
baseball Darwinism. Got a hole in
your game? Everyone knows it by
the end of the week.

|. The arms race. Sure, we live
in a hitter’s age, but has there ev-
er been a more remarkable pair of
pitchers than Randy Johnson and
Pedro Martinez? Never in the his-
tory of baseball have you seen two
such dominating hurlers at their

t e slugger- -

FOR MORE SUPERSTAR INTERVIEWS, GO TO www.playboy.com.

SON GIAMBI first baseman/New York Yankees

Who are the teams to
watch in the American League?

1 think the pitchers for the
A's are going to keep getting better.
That's the scary part. And the Angels
are going to be tough again.

- What happened against
the Angels last year?

1 think everybody was just
shell-shocked. Nobody in a million
years thought that would happen, es-
pecially given the number of runs we
scored. They didn’t quit. We were up
by five and the next minute we were
down by three. Game, set and match.

What's it like being a

Yankee?

The thing that throws you
off is you go to Baltimore and you've
got 200 people in the hotel lobby at
two o'clock in the morning waiting
for you to walk in. You're like a fuck-
ing rock star.

How tough was it to cut
your hair and shave your goatee?

That was the hard part to
suck up. | was used to not having any
rule: Oakland. These are Stein-
brenner's rules. Trust me, I'd rather
have the goatee and the long hair.

Isthe Yankee clubhouse as

peak at the same time.

. Attitude. After a decade of
stars about as charismatic as Dick
Cheney, baseball is blessed with a
new generation of real guys. If
Giambi, Zito or Dempster learned
their clichés on a bus in the mi-
nors, they forgot them by the end
of their first big-league bender.
| The peace process. Every
true baseball fan knows that the
sport’s biggest rivalry is the one
between the owners and the Play-
ers’ Union. But a new collective
bargaining agreement means you
can forget about luxury tax thresh-
olds and contraction for at least
another four years.

. Drama worthy of Tolstoy.
Admit it: five run lead, seventh in-
ning, sixth game—you were ready
to turn off the TV. Aren't you glad
you didn't? Scott Spiezio’s sev-
enth-inning homer in the sixth
game of the World Series may
have been the greatest clutch hit
in history. Like the Diamondbacks
the year before, the Angels took
advantage of one of the perfect lit-
tle loopholes in baseball: Just get
one more hit, and you can't lose.

dull as it seems?

I's alot
more fun than
people think. In
New York City you
have more me-
dia than players.
So guys just know
where to hide
and hang out
and have fun.
What
did you do with
the motorcycle?
My bike
is at my parents’
house. I didn't
want to take it to
New York and
ge! run over by a fucking cabbie.

Who is your favorite

superhero?

Superman. He’s got it all
figured out. He's got the X-ray vi-
sion. He can fly. He's strong and
good-looking. He's got the whole
package.

Does your superhuman

eyesight enable you to find girls in
the stands?

That's a skill I share with
everybody in the big leagues.

PLAYBOY’S

NL East:
Avante’ Drau
NL Central:

— NEW TOP n 1
AL Central:
U WING SUI
AL West:
UGH Re
AL Wild Card:
x

NL Champion:
гоа BIOMUNUDACHS
AL Champion:
ЧаПи

World Champs

“UNICU HO —

90

Botter up! Here—in projected order of finish—is our team-by-team break-
wv ews down of the 2003 season.

East

BEM New York Yankees

2002 in Review: 103-58,
first place. Much to the
chagrin of Steinbrenner,
Gi i and small-market
owners looking for a scapegoat, the
Yankees were stomped by the Angels
in the division series and have now
gone two entire years without win-
ning a championship.

Pivotal Player: Terminally bland
lefty pitcher Andy Pettitte has a .646
career winning percentage, fourth
among active pitchers who have 100
or more decisions.

X Factor: Derek Jeter’s batting aver-
age has slipped for four consecutive
years and his defense at shortstop is
now shaky at best. And he’s sparring
with the boss. Is Pretty Boy history?
Outlook: The Yanks go international
for 2003. Casting aside memories of
Hideki “Fat Pussy Toad” Irabu, New
York signed Yomiuri Giants outfield-
er Hideki Matsui and replaced El
Duque with Cuban Jose Contreras.
Contreras vill join Roger Clemens,
Andy Pettitte, David Wells and Mike
Mussina in a rotation deeper than
Kant. The Jason Giambi-led offense
should continue to cruise, but can
Mariano Rivera stay off the DL?
Endgame: The Yankees will com-
plete a six-pack of consecutive divi-
sion titles, but a depleted bulipen
could haunt them come October.

Boston Red Sox
2002 in Review: 93-69, sec-
ond. After a fast start, the
curse of the Bambino—or

a weary bullpen or inter-
league play—caught up with the Sox.
Pivotal Player: After languishing in
the bullpen for five years, Derek
Lowe (21-8, 2.58 ERA) was Pedro-
esque in his first year as a starter.

X Factor: Batting champ Manny
Ramirez (.349, 33 homers, 107 RBI
in 120 games) might be the best pure
hitter in the AL, but he’s so sulky and
injury prone that he’s now about as
popular in Boston as busing.
Outlook: The Red Sox have six—
count ‘em, six—returning All-Stars,
but Doogie Howseresque GM Theo
Epstein failed to bolster the rotation
with Contreras or Bartolo Colon. But
Jason's lil’ bro, Jeremy Giambi (.435
on-base percentage last season in
Philadelphia), could make all the dif-
ference with a breakout year.
Endgame: With a feng shui balance
between pitching and hitting—and a

bullpen by committee—the Bosox
could win the wild card, knock
off the Yanks and finally end the
curse. Or not.

2002 in Review: 78-84,
third. The once-proud Blue
Jays saw their win total de-
cline for the fourth conse-
cutive year, prompting copulating
couples at the SkyDome Hotel to
draw the blinds at game time.
Pivotal Ployer: Slugging first base-
man Carlos Delgado would be a poor
man’s Jason Giambi, except that at
$17 million per year, Carlos makes
more than Giambi.

X Factor: The Blue Jays are victims
of the exchange rate, taking in Cana-
dian dollars but paying out American
dollars in player salaries, which hurt
the team’s bottom line to the tune of
$30 million in 2001.

Outlo: he Jays have young tal-
ent, including rookie of the year Eric
Hinske and 25-year-old Roy Halla-
day, who went 19-7 with a 2.93 ERA.
But Cory Lidle went from Oakland's
number four starter to Toronto's
number two—need to know more
about the depth of the pitching staff?

the ace -
BARRY ZITO

What goes through your
mind when you're on the mound?

In a perfect world? Nothing—
I just react. I'm subconscious out
there. It’s a free-flowing experience.
No thoughts. All left brain.

Are you a different guy
when you're out there?

Definitely. When I’m on the
mound I have to think of myself as
the best pitcher in the league. But
when I walk into a restaurant I don't
think of myself as superior. A lot of
guys in this sport do. And that's why
people will say, “I hate this guy be-
cause he treats the fans like shit.”

How much of pitching

is mental?

Once you get the physical
things in line, it's 100 percent men-
tal. You hear stories of guys who
throw 95 but can't get out of A bal
That’s because they’re mentally
weak. They can't accept it in their
consciousness that they're a big
league superstar.

Because you do yoga
and play guitar and shop in thrift
stores, some call you a flake.

If someone actually meets me

pitcher/Oakland A's

Endgame: Neither as good as

the Yankees and Red Sox, nor as
wretched as the Orioles and Devil
Rays, the young Jays vill improve but
spend another summer in that base-

ball purgatory known as third place.

ТЕЕ а 5 ERA
of 5.29 was worst in the bigs.
Pivotal Player: Catcher Toby Hall’s
batting average inexplicably slipped
from .298 to .258, but he’s done an
excellent job handling the young
pitching staff.

X Factor: Florida’s steamy midsum-
mer weather no doubt contributed to
the team's 7-20 record in July. Didn't
help attendance, either. Then again,
the Rays supposedly play indoors.
Outlook: The good news—the Devil
Rays snagged Mariner skipper Lou
Piniella. The bad news—they sur-
rendered their best player, Randy
Winn, as compensation. Joining Greg
Vaughn in the Why Aren’t You Play-
ing in Japan Club is no-hit shortstop
Rey Ordonez.

Endgame: Under Piniella, things
will get better, Slowly.

they'll never call me a flake. I'm in-
telligent. I have my shit together. I
have a personality, and that’s some-
thing I’m not going to suppress.

Your uncle is Patrick
Duffy, from the television show Dal-
las. Growing up, did you have a
thing for Victoria Principal?

No, I was a big Loni Anderson
fan growing up.

You were on Dr. Phil.

I'd never met the guy, but his
people wanted me to ask him some
questions, like "How do I be respect-
ful to female fans without them
thinking I want to date them?”

What was his answer?

1 never got the answer be-
cause I don't watch the damn show.

Going Deep

Brigitte Bako
reveals why baseball
games mate for
great foreplay
Baseball is sexy. With the
right guy, watching a
baseball game can be
nine innings of foreplay.
And since this might be
the last year for baseball
in my hometown of Mon-
treal, let me clue you in
on what you're missing,
The single most allur-
ing thing about being at
the ballpark is that | can
leave my push-up bra at
home. | can also let my
hair down. And I'm trans-
ported into a parallel universe—eating junk food,
drinking cheap beer and ogling players in tight out-
fits. There’s plenty of time to flirt with my guy—my leg
draped over his, huddling under a blanket as the
late-inning chill creeps in. There's something sexy
about being able to yell in public. After nine innings
of screaming and huddling, my inhibitions are going,
going, gone. | can curse out the ump in nine different
languages. | just might shout something in my rudest
Quebecois about his mom and a horse. If my beau
laughs instead of crines, he's won me over. Maybe.
next time we'll watch the game at my place. He can
bring the beer and l'Il bring the blanket.
Brigitte Bako stars in the HBO series The Mind
of the Married Man.

J fourth. The aging Orioles
had about as good a year as
Worldcom, which is fitting,
as they're just about as well run. Triv-
ia fact: the Orioles drew 412,000 few-
er fans in 2002, yet still managed to
finish third in AL attendance.
Pivotal Player: Former Cy Young
Award winner Pat Hentgen has gone
2-7 and pitched 84 innings since
coming to Charm City in 2001.
X Factor: Meddling owner Peter An-
gelos—Marge Schott minus the social
graces—has run all his top baseball
men out of the organization.
Outlook: There’s not much to say
about a roster in which journeyman
first baseman Jeff Conine is a stand-
out. Pitching prospect Steve Bechler
died of heatstroke in spring training.
The rest of the O's minor league
system is as barren as parts of
Afghanistan.
Endgame: On the express elevator
to the cellar, the Birds will get a lot
worse before they get better.

(continued on page 156)

‘old glover.

me DIMONDS

PLAYBOY: Lost year was a roller
cooster ride for you. Where were you
when you heard about your team-
mate Darryl Kile's death?

EOMONDS: Dove Veres and I were
actually trying to get ahold of him on
his cell phone. We figured he was ei-
ther late getting up or stuck in traffic
in Chicago.

PLAYBOY: How tough was it to get
back on the field the next day?

EDMONDS: We played and it prob-
ably was a big mistake. Darryl had
never missed a start, so we figured
we would show everybody we could
do the same thing he did his whole
career. We got blown out. Nobody
was into the game. I couldn't think of
anything but him and his fomily.

PLAYBOY: On the other hand, you
won your fifth Gold Glove last year.

EDMONDS: My best accomplishment
was winning the Gold Glove this sea-
son without really diving at all. I try
to stay on my feet now. You dive on
Astroturf and it burns your skin, rips
your pants.

PLAYBOY: But those diving catches
go over big on Sports Center.

EDMONDS: Well,
it gets to the point
where some peo-
ple think you're
diving on pur-
pose. You watch
TV and you see
these guys diving
at а ball that is
waist high. Or
guys who jump in
the air to catch a
ball that’s going
to hit them in the
chest.

PLAYBOY: Were
you aware that
the gay sports
website Outsports.com gave you the
2002 Brass Balls award as the
game's most watchable center field-
er? Here's a quote from Outsports:
“While he verges on being too pret-
ty, he is quite the physical specimen.
And he has stopped doing stupid
things with his hair. (Those highlights
he had last year were a little too
1998, weren't they?)”

EDMONDS: 1 didn't know [laughs
heartily]. ! guess it's flattering thot
people like me. But I'm more into
ladies, I have to say.

THE ALL-PLAYBOY TEAM

We name the game’s best players, assembling a team for the ages
Welcome to the greatest team ever assembled. Period. If these current players

took the field against All-Stars from the Туге!

would not only

ALD
RODRIGUEZ
shortstop

/ a
SCOTT ROLEN

third base
Cordinals

ifties or Seventies, they

in, they might just have to invoke the slaughter rule.

سے €

JASON GIAMBI

Atlanta Braves
2002 in Review: 101-59,
first place. Bobby Cox’s
choke artists posted the
best record in the NL,
cruised to their 11th straight division
title and then imploded like an old
Vegas hotel against the Giants.
Pivotal Player: After spending two
years pitching batting practice at
Coors Field, lefty Mike Hampton re-
turns to a pitcher’s park and, Atlanta
hopes, his 22-win form of 1999.

X Factor: Don’t tell Jane Fonda, but
the Braves really do miss Ted Turner.
With the AOL bean counters holding
the purse strings, the Bravos are sud-
denly counting their pennies.
Outlook: Atlanta’s vaunted starting
rotation is in flux after losing starters
Tom Glavine and Kevin Millwood for
budgetary reasons, while newcomers
Hampton, Russ Ortiz and Paul Byrd
will test pitching coach Leo Maz-
zone’s magic touch. The outfield
might be the best in baseball.
Endgame: The Braves win the di-
vision (again) and lose in the first

round of the playoffs (again).

New York Mets
2002 in Review: 75-86,
fifth. Suffice it to say that
a spot in the cellar wasn't
what owner Fred Wilpon
was expecting from his $100 mi
payroll, and much-hated manager
Bobby Valentine paid the price.
Pivotal Player: Newly acquired lefty
‘Tom Glavine is Cooperstown bound,
but the Mets hope his second-half
record (7-7, 3.93 ERA) is a blip.

X Factor: When things go sour in

the nation's media capital, everyone
knows about it. The Mets get more
bad ink than any other team.
Outlook: Succeeding the hyperactive
Valentine, former Oakland skipper
Art Howe will chill out this team like
a crate of Zoloft. His not-so-tough
love should help sulky All-Stars Ro-
berto Alomar and Mo Vaughn find
themselves. In the addition-by-sub-
traction department, shortstop Rey
Ordonez—who could hardly hit his
IQ—is history, with superprospect
Jose Reyes in the wings.

Endgame: The Mets fall just short

in their worst-to-first bid, but snag
the NL wild card.

Florida Marlins
2002 Record: 79-83, fourth.
A lackluster performance
helped cement their repu-
tation as the most conspicu-
ous underachiever in the NL East.

the bulldog
Ir Y

PLAYBOY: The Diamondbacks went
from winning the World Series to get-
ting swept in the first round. Why?
SCHILLING: It’s a state of mind. We
went into the postseason with appre-
hension due to injuries. That mani-
fested itself as a three-game sweep.

PLAYBOY: What do you think of the
hitting explosion?

SCHILLING: The owners thought
they would dumb down the game.
They thought fans wanted offense.
But fans want to see good baseball. If

Pivotal Player: Former MVP catch-
er Pudge Rodriguez has a great bat
and a better glove, but Texas hurlers
griped about his pitch calling.

X Factor: The Fish have had only
one winning season in franchise his-
tory—their World Series run of 1997.
Outlook: These guys have more
quality arms than Donald Rumsfeld.
With some seasoning, 22-year-old
Josh Beckett and 26-year-old A.J.
Burnett could be Cy Young con-
tenders, and Florida could be the
NEs answer to the Oakland A's.
Endgame: The Marlins are this di-
vision’s team of the future. But the

future isn’t now.

J 4 Bud Selig’s would-be Ke-
vorkian act and dogged

the Braves through the All-Star break.

Too bad total attendance of 812,045

was the worst in the majors.

Pivotal Player: Outfielder Viadimir

Guerrero is Roberto Clemente with

power, but will the Expos be forced

to dump his salary?

X Factor: Until a new owner can be

found, the Expos will be operated by

the league, which probably doesn’t

2002 in Review: 83-79, sec-
JM ond. The Expos shook off

that's a 6-S game, so be it. But I've

pitcher/ Arizona Diamondbacks

never heard of a fan who enjoyed a
four-hour, 9-7 game with 12 walks
and six homers.

PLAYBOY: Who are the best young
pitchers in the league?
SCHILLING: Fans are being treat-
ed to the best influx of pitching in
20 years. The Florida staff. Roy Os-
walt and Wade Miller in Houston.
Mark Prior and Kerry Wood in Chi-
cago. They're all power guys.
PLRYBUY: What reaction did you
getto your comments about steroids?
SCHILLING: | was flying blind when
1 said 50 percent of the players used
them. I've no idea what the percent-
age is. But you can look at my body
and fell I'm not one of them.
PLAYBOY: Is baseball in trouble?

SCHILLING: Owners pay salaries
they can afford to pay. But they've
led fans to believe that they're tak-
ing а hit. That's a bunch of crap.
PLAYBOY: You own a company
that sells war board games. Do you
ever play with your teammates?
SCHILLING: That’s way too geeky.

PLAYBOY: Does Patton ever get his
ass kicked by the panzers?

SCHILLING: That's not realistic.

want a homeless team in postseason.
Outlook: By playing “home” games
in Puerto Rico, the Expos will make
history, rack up plenty of frequent-
flier miles and lose big.

Endgame: A distant fourth-place fin-
ish, and a new home in the U.S.

Philadelphia Phillies

2002 in Review: 80-81,
third. After a surprise pen-
nant push in 2001, Larry
Bowa’s Phillies slid back

to the pack like a cheese steak offa
Teflon spatula, finishing 21% games
behind Atlanta.

Pivotal Player: Jim Thome gets less
respect than Carrot Top, but his com-
bination of Goliathlike power (52
homers) and Joblike patience (122
walks) make him an elite hitter.

X Factor: If the Phils start slow, the
ownership may delay the team’s pen-
nant push to coincide with the open-
ing of Phillies Ballpark in 2004.
Outlook: GM Ed Wade does a nice job
of bolstering the core of youngsters
like Pat Burrell and Jimmy Rollins
with vets like Thome and third base-
man David Bell. Outfielder Bobby
Abreu, who has a .409 career on-base
percentage, could be a better leadoff
(continued on page 154)

"She's quite a find. First she does Howard—then she does the windows!”

94

miss may is a down-to-
earth woman who
looks out of this world

AURIE’S NEWLIFE

idwesterners pride them-

selves on being grounded,

but Chicago native Laurie

Fetter threw her friends for
a loop when she suddenly packed
up and drove out to Los Angeles a year
ago. “The move was totally impulsive,”
she says. "Now that I'm in Hollywood,
I find that I spend my life in my car
because everything is so spread out.
But I love the weather and the laid-
back vibe.”

"Though being Centerfold is a high-
water mark in Laurie's modeling ca-
reer, this isn't the first time she's graced
the pages of a major publication. "I re-
member getting the cover of Sew News,
a national sewing magazine, when 1
was 11. It was the coolest thing at that
age!” she laughs. “Acting is my passion,
however. My high school had an in-
credible theater program, and I took
voice lessons for six years. I started act-
ing in plays when I was eight and I
sang and danced. Since I arrived in
Los Angeles, I've done an independent
film and hope to do more.” For good
measure, Laurie is also getting her real
estate license and taking classes at
UCLA. “I graduated from high school
early and went right into my career, so
I'm at a point where I really need the
mental stimulation,” she says.

Miss May admits her career isn’t the

only thing that prompted her shotgun trip to the West Coast. "I met my boyfriend in LA before I moved. Sometimes you

look into someone's eyes and they're kind of blank, and you don't really know what is going on. He looked at me and it was
kind of freaky because I felt like he was looking right through me. I think I've slept at my house twice since we got togeth-
егіп fact most, if not all, of my stuffis at his place. I have my own house but I think all that's lefi there are one pair of shoes
and a bed.” As for her future, Laurie has adopted a philosophical approach. “You get dealt so many different cards every

day. and you don't know where you're going to end up tomorrow. It's a tough business, and I don't have any illusions about
it. But ] would love to be a working actress for the rest of my life. Entertaining is what I was born to do."

PHOTOGRAPHY BY GEORGE GEORGIOU

Laurie spent a lot of summer days at
Wrigley Field. “I'm wearing a Cubs
cap in every picture taken when
I was little," she says. When she
wasn't catching a game, she was
catching rays on Lake Michigan. “The
thing to da is for peaple to tie their
boats together and just hang aut far
the day. | laved being aut there with
my friends. For this shat on the boat,
1 was messing around and thinking,
Look at me! I'm like the karate kid!”

“I'm a guy's girl," Laurie says. "I've always been the chick
hanging aut with the boys, watching football. | used ta be
a gymnast and I played soccer, bul а knee injury knocked
me out af that. I've been kickboxing for about three yeors—

it's o great way ta work out aggressian without hurting ony-
one. You just take it out on the bag. | danît like ta fight, but

kickboxing has definitely taught me haw to defend myself.”

PLAYMATE DATA SHEET

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„Patches. Саспа 5 Mere. —
IF I HAD MORE TIME, I WOULD: Fin bo island

FIVE CDS I CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT:
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DO BLONDES HAVE MORE e pede eneen

H School Noc Seren “Fon in Mexico Senior Picure

SEE MORE PICTURES AND VIDED OF

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PLAYBOY’S PARTY JOKES

Over the past several years, more money has
been spent on breast implants and Viagra than
has been spent on Alzheimer’s research. Scien-
usts predict that by 2030, there will be a large
number of people wandering around with
huge breasts and erections who can't remem-
ber what to do with them.

Variety reports that a remake of The Exorcist is
in the works. It will be about a mother who
hires the devil to get a priest out of her son.

KS j
/

A guy walked into a bar and said to the bar-
tender, "Give me six double vodkas."

The bartender poured the drinks and said,
“You must have had one hell of a day.”

"Yes," the man said. "I've just found out my
older brother is ga

"The next day, the man returned to the bar
and placed the same order. When the bar-
tender asked what the problem was, the man
said, *I've just found out that my younger
brother is gay, too."

On the third day, the guy came into the bar
and ordered another six double vodkas. The
bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in
your family like women?"

The man downed the first drink and said,
“Yeah, my wife!"

\

A newly married couple had sex every night
at exactly 9:15. They never missed a night, un-
til the wife came down with the flu. She went to
the doctor to get a shot. The shot killed all the
germs in her body except for three, who hud-
dled together and talked over their survival
plans. One germ said, “I'm going to hide be-
tween two toes. I don't think the antibiotics will
find me there.”

‘The second germ said, “I'm going to hide
behind her ear. I don't think they will be able
to find me there.”

The last germ said, “I don't know about you
guys, but when that 9:15 pulls out tonight, I'm
gonna be on it.”

Whaat do you call two hookers standing on ei-
ther side of a friend who has a broken leg?
Support hos.

A bystander noticed an unusual funeral con-
sisting of one hearse closely followed by an-
other. Behind the second hearse, a man was
walking a pit bull. Behind him, 30 men were
following in a single-file line. The bystander
approached the man with the dog and said,
“Sir, I realize this is a bad time to disturb you,
but I have never seen a funeral like this. Could
you tell me what is going on?”

The man replied, “Well, the first hearse is
for my wife. My dog attacked and killed her.
The second hearse is for my mother-in-law.
She was trying to help my wife when the dog
turned on her.”

‘The bystander asked, “Sir, could I borrow
that dog?”

‘The man replied, “Get in line.”

BLONDE JOKE oF THE MONTH: A blonde replaced
all the windows in her house with expensive,
energy-efficient ones. A year after the windows
were installed, the contractor called her to
complain that he hadn't yet received any pay-
ment. She replied, “Listen, mister. Don't try to
pull a fast one on me. The salesman promised
me that in one year these windows would pay
for themselves.”

Our Unabashed Dictionary defines Pokemon
as a Jamaican proctologist.

An old man hobbled into an ice cream par-
lor. With some difficulty, he sat on a stool and
ordered a banana split. The waitress asked,
“Crushed nuts?”

He replied, “No, arthritis.”

Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have enough time.

What's the smallest cemetery in the world? A
pussy—it takes only one stiff at a time.

Send your jokes on postcards to Party Jokes Editor,
PLAYBOY, 680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago,
Illinois 60611, or by e-mail to jokes@playboy.com.
$100 will be paid to the contributor whose submis-
sion is selected. Sorry, jokes cannot be returned.

ROADWARRIORS

Go fast. Go long.
Go forever on
the new sport
touring bikes

By James R. Petersen

PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARD IZUI

LAST FALL, as | wandered the hangar-size
pavilions at Munich's Intermot show, | saw
motorcycles for every subculture. There were
naked streetfighters, grand prix racers, su-
perbikes, custom choppers, full-dress tourers,
scooters galore. And there, somehow apart
from the rest, were the sport touring bikes,
the most elite category, the one suddenly tak-
ing off. Power, stability, looks—these ma-
chines have it all. For decades BMW has
dominated this niche, but now the Japanese
have developed their own long-distance run-

ners. The sport tourers shown here share cer-
tain qualities: maintenance-free shaft drives,
powerful four-cylinder engines (125 to 145
horsepower), state-of-the-art braking systems,
aerodynamic fairings, elegant storage sys-
tems and, oh yes, speedometers that work all
the way up to 150 mph. You can scrape pegs
on the Passo dello Stelvio or take your signif-
icant other on a leisurely tour of wine coun-
try. These flagships are as stately as Stealth
bombers, agile, amazing, able to reach es-
cape velocity with the twist of a wrist.

/// BMW K 1200 GT ($17,990)

BMW introduced the newest K-bike in Mu-
nich with smoke bombs and dancing
girls. The hoopla wasn't wasted: | love
the low-slung, guttural engine, known af-
fectionately as “the flying brick.” On the
710 from Long Beach through Los Ange-
les, | felt like | was riding a monorail. Mid-
week | had the Angeles Crest Highway
(a.k.a. Racer Road) to myself. Well, not
quite. You don't know the meaning of re-
spect until a Porsche yields the road.

|

/// Yamaha FJR1300 ($11,499)

No motorcycle has ever enjoyed the buzz that accompanied
the arrival of the FJR. Magazine editors who rode this beast in
Europe raved. Now we know why. The silver rocket is flatout
sexy (both schoolkids and women at gas pumps gave it the
thumbs-up). More to the point, it is power incarnate. The tidy
1298cc imine four (based on the R1 super sportbike motor)
boasts 145 hp: 80 to 120 happens in a heartbeat, with no ap-
preciable effort. On the Ortega Highway I found myself hunting
for a nonexistent sixth gear and tranquilizer darts, desperately
trying to remember what sedate felt like. Special thanks to the
stranger who warned me about the CHP in the Camaro
Neatest feature: The windshield does a Batmobile thing, re-
tracting from full upright to swept-back when you cut the igni-
tion. The 2004 model comes with optional ABS. The advance
press had this baby nailed: Yamaha has found a way to engi-
neer excitement. Does the FJR stand for Fantastic Joy Rocket?

/// Honda ST1300 ABS ($14,499)

Within seconds of climbing on this bike | realized | never wanted to
get off. The ergonomics are a perfect fit, and the machine exudes
prestige—earned, not borrowed. | cruised south through the rich
coastal towns along Highway 1 in the company of makes such as
Lexus, Mercedes and BMW. Parts of this bike made me laugh. Throw
a switch and the windshield rises seven inches and changes from
swept-back to upright by 13 degrees. Sexual metaphors are un-
avoidable, but at cruising speed | felt like | was tucked behind a riot
shield. Other design elements (mirrors and turn signals molded into
the fairing) are subtle. Greatest rush: When I ran a redline test in first
gear, the dashboard computer chided me with the warning: 14 mpg.

At 80 it registered about 50 mpg. Do | get a medal from the EPA?

WHERE AND HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 156

Riding is an act of
sustained concentration,
an undeniable display

of competence.

]
|
|

=
=
7

MS
[= кила Е са С) гасі ст са в

“Miss Perkins has a perfect record in dealing with potential suicides . . . 1”

m1

WANT TO IMPRESS THE KOURNIKOVAS OF
CLUBLAND? TAKE STYLE TIPS FROM
THESE TENNIS PROS

FASHION BY JOSEPH DE ACETIS
PHOTOGRAPHY BY ROXANNE LOWIT
PRODUCED BY JENNIFER RYAN JONES

"

IN

Tour pro Xavier Malisse wears
asilk short-sleeve camp shirt
1595] and flat-front trousers
($145) by NAT NAST. Xavier
is from Belgium but lives in
Florida. In the past year, he's
been ranked as high as 19th
in the world. Her dress is by
OLGA KAPUSTINA ($230)

ABOVE, LEFT TO RIGHT: Xavi-
er is in an outfit by BELVEST—a
linen camp shirt ($295) and cot-
ton trousers ($325). Robert Ken-
drick is an American pro who had
an illustrious collegiate career at
the University of Washington. He’s
wearing a shirt by CARIBBEAN
JOE ($38). Jan-Michael Gambill
lives in his home state of Washing-
ton, but his game is world-class—
his resume includes wins over such
stars as Agassi, Sampras and Cou-
rier. He wears a lightweight cor-
duroy jacket ($395), poplin shirt
($89) and chinos ($75), all by
GANT. Her halter dress is by ELI-
SA JIMENEZ ($750). AT LEFT:
Robert wears a shirt ($125) and
linen trousers ($225), both by
BOSS HUGO BOSS. On the
women, clockwise from top left:
The red halter top is by ELISA
JIMENEZ ($195), the black hal-
ter dress is by DOLCE & GAB-
BANA ($925) and the pink dress
is by ELISA JIMENEZ ($795).

THIS PAGE:
In 2000 “People” put Jan-
Michael on its “50 Most
Beautiful People in the
World” list. That can’t
hurt with the ladies. Here
J-M is in a cotton shirt
($95) and wool trousers
($150), both by CALVIN
KLEIN. His dance part-
ner is wearing a dress
from CIRCLE by MARA
HOFFMAN ($260).

Jan-Michael started play-
ing tennis at the age of
five and had won his first
tournament by the time
he was nine years old. His
tennis hero? Mr. Person-
ality, John McEnroe. To
our mind, Jan-Michael
seems to be a bit smooth-
er around the edges than
Johnny Mac—and that
includes his off-court
look. Here Jan-Michael
is wearing a mesh suede
shirt by JOSEPH AB-
BOUD ($1395) and a
pair of linen trousers
by KITON ($875). Her
dress is by DOLCE &
GABBANA ($1995).

Robert wears a suede s | jacket ($850), mesh cotton shirt ($390) and cotton trousers ($170), all by SALVATORE FERRA-
GAMO. Jan-Michael is in a V-neck shirt by THIERRY MUGLER ($215) and linen trousers by TED BAKER ($145). The girl at
left is in a dress from CIRCLE hy MARA HOFFMAN ($280). The leopard dress is by ROBERTO CAVALLI ($1325).

Robert is in a cotton French-® <
cut shirt ($175) and striped
pants ($195), both by TED
BAKER. Jan-Michael's outfit

et; bj DUNHILL —a collared

trousers ($345). Her black che-

V-neck kni] polo ($235) and
a pair of striped button-tly
IA NICCI ($48).

mise is by

one-button suit ($1390), cotton shirt
2 ($95) and black lace-up shoes ($285),
all by CALVIN KLEIN. Her black
dress is by OLGA KAPUSTINA
($235) and her shoes are by STUART
ITZMAN ($265).-

PHOTOGRAPHED AT THE SHORE CLUB > MIAMI BEACH

WHERE AND HOWTO BUY ON PAGE 154.

„я

Here Robert takes a break in a black “A

Fashion By
JOSEPH DE ACETIS

THE BEST —
Мыл RAIN GEAR
z

" TOHELP YOU —
SURVIVE THE. !
SPRING SHOWERS

ee that orange jacket? The one with the side slash

pockets and mesh lining? That's ours. It's a Cole-Haan
($145). But when she asked, we just had to give it to her. And
along with it, we gave her our brown umbrella with leather
trim and wooden handle by Ghurka ($195). We were happy
to be of service—spring can be cruel. We all need gear to beat
back the wind and fight off the rain. And these days, we need
gear that’s tailored for the situation—every weather condi-
tion and social setting must be met and conquered. We've
field-tested tons of clothing—for water resistance, comfort
and utility—and found the best outfits and accessories for the
most common situations. (Her bikini is by Poko Pano, $64, — —
and her sandals are by Stuart Weitzman, $190.)

Photography By CHUCK BAKER
PRODUCED BY JENNIFER RYAN JONES

ABOVE LEFT: When it's time to ploy, o woist-length jacket like this will provide the greotest ronge of motion—there's nothing to homper
your follow-through. The light-blue microfiber zip-front bomber golf jocket is by Weatherproof ($90). The terrycloth cap is by Kangol
($45). ABOVE RIGHT: There's just one concern when you're on the go—moking sure you stoy comfortoble. First ond foremost, that
means stoying dry. The green light-cotton zip-front jacket with odjustoble hood ond side zip pockets is by Stone Island ($530). The
natural-rubber Wellington boots with leother lining ond side zippers ore by Le Chameau ($375). Put these Wellies on ond you
can forget obout getting your feet wet—we're talking serious protection. The camouflage nylon roin hot is by Beretta Gallery ($85)

WEEKEND : BUSINESS

ABOVE LEFT: Days away from the office ore the time to have fun—and that goes for your weekend look, too. The novy coated-cotton
three-quorter-length zip-front jacket with side slash pockets is by Kenneth Cole ($179). The cotton bucket hot is by Kango! ($45). The
novy woter-resistant suede boat shoes with yellow neoprene sock inserts ore by Cole-Haan ($165). ABOVE RIGHT: For some guys, in-
clement weother signals o doy off from their normal foshion strictures. But that's nuts—forget the frumpy stuff. You'll be oll the more the
mon if you con shine in the roin. This wool-ond-silk-blend double-breasted belted trench coat with shoulder epoulets is by Dunhill
($1350). The plaid umbrella with wooden handle is by Beretta Gallery ($55). The nylon crusher hot with leather trim is by Coach ($78).

WHERE AND HDW TO BUY ON PAGE 156,

120

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Jorja Fox

PLAYBOYS

The star of TV’s top show, CSI, on marriage
allergies, getting frisked and bad smells in the lab

1

PLAYBOY: When confronted with some-
some, who is more likely to
y. you or your co-star Marg
Helgenberger?

Fox: Me, for sure. Marg is one of the
strongest and toughest women I've ev-
er met. Recently, while filming scenes
for CSI, she has been in a meat mar-
ket working with carcasses, walked
through garbage at a disgusting land-
fillin Santa Clarita, California and
worked in the pouring rain for days.
She's a badass—she internalizes her
disgust. When Marg, George Eads and
I were at that landfill, Marg went into
shock for an hour and barely said any
thing. We'd ask, “Marg, are you O
and she'd just nod. George was trying
not to get sick, and true to my Lower
East Side New York City roots, I was
screaming at the writers, “You guys are
fucking crazy! You fucking suck,” for
maybe 10 minutes. Because I'm the
squeamish one, they think it's funny to
put me on the grossest cases, which
they do consistently. That episode
about the high school cheerleader who
gets upset and eats one of her class
mates? That was my case.

2

PLAYBOY: Any pranksters on the show?

FON: We take turns. One of the crew
members—who will remain name-
less—brought in a remote-controlled
farting device. I had a lot of fun with
that. One day I was in every scene, and
as a new actor would come to the set,
1 would use the machine. We got Billy
Petersen while he was on camera. And
1 got Marg in rehearsal. But Marg has a
12-year-old son and she barely blinked.
I thought it would get her so much bet-
ter than it did. I acted like it was me
who had passed gas, and I just said,
“Oh, I'm sorry, excuse me." She got it.
But I was meaner with Billy and acted
like he was the one who'd passed gas.

Interview by Robert Crane

That fart machine entertained us for
an entire afternoon

3

PLAYBOY: Is craft service on CS/ differ-
ent from other shows?

FOX: There are several of us who have
a hard time eating at work. If we're
doing something disgusting, I have to
wait unl it's over before 1 will touch
food. A couple of months ago I was
working with Eric Szmanda and we
were going through a guy's stomach
contents. It's season three and we're
fecling cocky, saying, "This doesn't
even bother me." We've got this vomit
on the table and we're picking pieces
out of it, trying to decide what the guy
had eaten. Then we broke for a meal,
which was pizza that night. It was about
11:30 and we both said, “Oh yeah, let's
have a slice. That sounds great." We
went back to work and were on the set
maybe 10 minutes before we were both
completely nauseated

4

PLAYBOY: Has the show made you more
life affirming or more cautious?

FOX: Life affirming, It’s left me believ-
ing more that if it's your day, it's your
day. I'm not stupid about my own safe-
ty, but Pd never want to be paranoid,
either. Death is very close to life. It's al-
ways hovering closer than we'd like to
think. But it doesn’t scare me.

5

PLAYBOY: What other franchises are in
the works? CSI: The Hamptons?

rox: CSI: Hawaii would be lovely. The
only one I've heard of that seems to
have credence is CSI: London, which
would be an interesting show

6

PLAYBOY: What does it say about our
society that we can't seem to get along

without a lot of shows about crime and
forensics?
Fox: We live in a gray world right now,
and some of that grayness is great, cer-
tainly where social and moral issues are
concerned. The truth lies somewhere
in the middle. That's what makes CSI
so reassuring: It's nice to watch some-
thing and find out without a shadow
of a doubt what happened. But the
amount of violence in this country is
horrible. Michael Moore, in Bowling for
Columbine—one of the best movies I've
seen in the past 20 years—asks why
America has such a thirst for violence.
There are several good theories: We
are only a hundred years from being
a hunter-gatherer society. It’s in our
genes and we act that way in our daily
lives. I also think people don't have
enough sex.

7

PLAYBOY: Would David Caruso be wel-
comed on CSI or would he and Pe-
tersen out-earnest each other?

rox: I'd love it if David Caruso were to
do a show or two with us. 1 think he
and Billy would have a good time to-
gether, though I don't know if they'd
do it. As far as I'm concerned, David
is welcome anytime, especially if he
works with the ladies.

8

playboy: Have you used any special
investigative or forensic skills in your
personal life?

Fox: No. I prefer to use my intuition,
which is wrong half the time. If I were
to use 100 much information from the
show, 1 would become Howard Hughes
paranoid

9

PLAYBOY: Have you ever asked for DNA
samples from a date?

rox: No. I hope I wouldn't have to, but
it's great that (continued on page 145)

PHOTOGRAPHY BY STEPHEN STICKLER

123

! _ BUMPER HUMPERS ~ КЕТ.

“I can tolerate your chronic tardiness . . . I can overlook
your dress code violations and your insolence . . . but, by God, if you get
a breast reduction, you're outta here!"

126

СТ

hat is it about women? Some of the greatest dramas іп-
volve beautiful but troublesome ones. The Old Testa-
ment had Delilah. JFK's Camelot had Marilyn Monroe
And the same is true for pro wrestling—the mother of
all modern mythology. Consider Torrie Wilson of World
Wrestling Entertainment. There she is, flaunting her
drop-dead beauty, setting up feuds between hapless
wrestlers. So how does a girl become a smackdown siren?

“J grew up in a small town in Idaho,” Torrie tells us, “a little ski town like
Sun Valley but not as ritzy.” In high school, she tried cheerleading but quick-
ly switched to track and cross-country running. "They were loner sports. 1
liked them better. No pressure.” In college in Boise, Torrie studied nutrition
and developed a fitness lifestyle. “I started reading bodybuilding and fitness
magazines. Some of the girls in those magazines—the ones who kept their
feminine side while looking muscular—really caught my attention. 1 would
cut out their pictures and hang them on my refrigerator for inspiration.
Competing was a way to set a goal for myself." That determination culminat-
ed in her winning the Ms. Galaxy contest. She relocated near Venice Beach,
and six months later went to her first professional wrestling match—and was
hooked. Soon Torrie met a wrestler who had followed her fitness career. He
was also booking for World Champion Wrestling and asked whether she
would like to try a stint. “I had no idea what I was getting into, but it sound-
ed like fun,” Torrie says. “It was a chance to mix fitness with acting and per-
forming. With the WCW, 1 would do small things in the ring. Then when the
WWE hired me, they immediately started putting me in matches, which I re-
ally wasn't prepared for. It was more fun in a way—I would use tricks I
learned during the day іп a wrestling match that night. I still do." The trick
that impresses us most is escaping a corny female wrestler name, something
like Minx or Tyland. "1 like having my own name. But more and more, the
real me is becoming closer to my ring character. The other day I got into a big
fight—not a punching fight—with a woman because I wouldn't take her crap.
We had a screaming match in the middle of a parking lot. Later I thought, I
cannot believe I just did that. Normally I would walk away.”

Torrie spends most of her time on the road. When not working, she calls
‘Tampa home. “I love the tropical look,” she says. “I have a huge palm tree in
my living room. The bedroom is Tuscan style—with a four-poster bed.” From
what she tells us, it's pretty well guarded—by Torrie herself. “I'm not one to
give it up right away. And 1 bring out real surprises after a while. I'm not in-
to whips and chains—but I do like being dominant sometimes. That's proba-
bly increased since I started wrestling.” Perhaps the four-poster helps. “From
that bed I could execute a swinging leg-drop to keep him down.”

Torrie has plenty of ring techniques. "I love doing o neck-breaker,” she soys. “I use
that a lot as a finishing move.” What whips the crawd into a frenzy is o bra-ond-pontie
match. “You can never lose. You can be doing a relatively unspectacular move but
the crawd is really charged because your pants ore abaut to be ripped off.”

PHOTOGRAPHY BY ARNY FREYTAG

PLAYBOY

136 stasy.

appropriate sex

pprop (continued from page 86)
copy of the story and squinted. “There's
this line at the top of seven: ‘She felt the
heat of the animal against her body. The
animal heat entering her.’ What’s that
mean, “The animal heat entering her?”

“Oh, that’s sick,” said Emily Givens.

“She goes and leans against the horse,”
said Rob Tway. “It's a human thing. Like
wanting, like, contact. She’s just decided
to take her daughter off life support.”

“That's what makes the whole thing
so weird!” Brendan said, as if Rob had
helped him make his point. "I mean, if
she's so upset about her daughter and
all, what's she doing getting all sexual-
ized over a horse?”

“Sexualized?
isn’t even a word.”

“Yes it is,” said Pete Fayne.

“All that stuff about the thick neck and
the satiny hair or whatever,” Brendan
said. “It's like she's gonna hump the
horse or something.”

“Sick,” said Emily. “You are so sick.”

I had the feeling, actually, that Emily
knew a little something about sick. She
was wearing a top that would have been
illegal in some Southern states, a kind of
cheesecloth camisole.

“You're really twisted,” said Rob.

Brendan shook his head. He was the
lowest common denominator, no doubt
about that, a dim kid with the long, rut-
ted cheeks of adolescence. But he was
only following my lead. I was the one
who had ordered them to root out the
truth, to never avert their eyes. Self-de-
ception, I'd told them in my profound,
deeply fecling teacher voice, is the only
worthy enem:

“I'm just saying,” Brendan said. “Like,
look at it. ‘She stroked the beast's hot,
damp, thick, satiny neck. She smelled
the musk of the animal enveloping her
trembling body.’ I didn't write that. Did
1 write that?"

He looked at me.

“You did not write that,” I said.

Nicole let out a puff of air, disgusted.

The author, Mandy Shaw, sat 5с
bling in her notebook. She was a sadistic
little sex bomb with a tattoo on the small
of her back of a fairy princess wi
hair and D-cups. Sometimes, during con-
ferences, as she sat across from me fret-
ting over syntax, I imagined her body
rendered on black velvet. The faintest
hint of her raspberry body spray was
enough to ruin my day.

“Even the way the daughter is de-
scribed. The way she rides the horse, like
the way their bodies fit together. And the
mom's watching, remembering how her
daughter’s face looked.” Brendan start-
ed flipping through the story again.

“Let's move on,” Nicole said.

“Hold on, hold on. Here itis. “The look
on Cassie's face was one of unbridled ec-
s if her body were rising on some

id Nicole. “Sexualized

large, warm happiness.’ Am I crazy or
does that sound kind of horny? Come
on, Large. Warm.” Brendan looked for
support to Teddy Leaf, his fellow burn-
out. "I'm not saying the mom doesn't
love Cassie or isn't heartbroken or what-
ever. It's just there's all this weird, like,
energy with the horses. Like this sexy
horse energy.”

This drew a few laughs and Brendan
began to nod. “We all know about those
girls, those horsey girls, who are all ob-
sessed with horses. Going out to the barn
and brushing them down and washing
their flanks and all that. Rubbing them
down. Maric Antoinette, she had sex
with horses.”

“That was Catherine the Great, you
,” said Rob.
hey had to use a crane to lower the
animal down onto her," Pete added
helpfully.

“Please don't call him an idiot,” I said
to Rob.

“Who did?” said Teddy.

“Her attendants,” said Pete. “Those
dudes who help out the queen.”

Teddy ran a finger over the scab on
his elbow. "That's, like, treason, dude.
Watching the queen fuck a horse is defi-
nitely treason.”

“Why are we talking about this?” Ni-
cole said.

“Brendan's just making stuff up to get
attention because his parents didn’t give
him enough when he was a child,” said
Emily.

“I didn't make that up," Brendan said.
"It's history.”

“Gross,” Emily said. “You are made of

ss.

"You'd know," said Teddy, and the
class, the entire little circle of creative
fuckups, let out a low-down murmur.

All except Ingrid Nunez. She was a
strict Pentecostal who wrote stories about
her love for the All-Knowing Creator
of Man and, more recently, her devout
hope that the undevout would burn in
hell for the rest of time.

“I think we may be getting a little far
afield,” I said.

They'd stuffed us into the basement
of Krass, in an airless little cell that
smelled of the chicken nuggets Teddy
brought to class each week, despite my
repeated implorations. I gazed out the
window at the parking lot with the Dump-
sters. The nice classrooms, the ones with
natural light and a view of the court-
yard's lush flowerbeds, were reserved for
the business school, where it was as-
sumed the students might someday be-
come prosperous alumni.

"Wait a second," Brendan said. "What's
so gross? Why are you guysall, like, gang-
ing up on me? Im just talking about
what Mandy wrote in her story. Гт not
trying to offend her. Mandy, I'm not try-
ing to offend you. I liked the story. I
wrote, like, a whole critique.

Brendan was not a promising student.

He was the sort of student whose intel-
lect might have been titled Still Life With
Bong. But now, on this gorgeous April
day, the wick of insight had been lit with-
in him, and he came at us with the force
of a crusader. He knew he was right, that
he'd latched on to a node of perversion
below the story's maudlin surface, and
he wasn't going to let it go.

“Sex and death are related,” he ex-
plained. “The French, the French peo-
ple, when they come, they call that dy-
ing. Sex dying.”

“A little death,” said Rob.

“Right,” Brendan said. “The point be-
ing that both of those things, like, dying,
like when you die, and when you have
sex, they're like the same thing in a cer-
tain way."

"A dead fuck," Teddy said.

"So, like, this mom, when she goes out
to visit the horse, she's trying to connect
to her daughter, right? But when she
thinks about her daughter, she thinks
about how she used to ride the horse
and how her daughter used to be, like,
all excited to ride the horse. And es
ing this, that’s when she starts
touching the horse, like, rubbing it all
over and getting all this heat entering
her body and so forth.”

Nicole was glaring at me now, with
her sharp white teeth, and Emily had
bugged out her eyes and Rob said, "Why
can't it just be a story about a mother
finding an emotional link to her dead
daughter through her horse?”

“Yeah,” Nicole said. “You don't have
any idea what Mandy had in her mind
when she wrote the story—"

“Yeah, but you can write something
and not even know what it’s about until
you, like, look at it later and figure it out.
Isn't that right, Mr. Lowe? That's even
got a name.”

“Perversion in the service of the ego,”
Emily said.

“I'm not trying to be a pervert,” Bren-
dan said.

“You don't have to try,” Emily said.

It occurred to me suddenly that these
two had fucked and that it had ended
badly, as it usually does at that age, and
that this probably explained the erotic
charge I'd sensed in class over the past
few weeks.

There were other factors. 1 should
mention, for instance, that all this took
place during the Lewinsky scandal and
as much as I hate to invoke that dark
episode, it is relevant because everyone
back then, including The New York Times
and the United States Congress, was
talking about blow jobs, was imagining
President Clinton with his pants around
his ankles and his presidential ass pressed
against his presidential desk and his
presidential face all cragged up in bliss
and Monica on her knees wrapping her
big red mouth around his pecker. The
Altoids hummer. The Cohiba up her
snatch. The money shot on the blue dress.

s more, it was everything
we'd ever wished for, to see our big dad-
dy prez getting down with some chubby
hayseed in the Oral Office. It was what
we deserved. Our popular culture had
prepared us exquisitely for the whole
shebang. Almost everywhere you turned,
strangers were preparing to have sex, or
talking about sex, advising us on how to
lick a woman's private parts.

I was one of the only adults who was
not having sex at that historic moment,
because my wife had left me. Actually, we
hadn't had sex for a year or so before
that because | had lost my desire for her
and could not maintain an erection, and
while I had learned to compensate in
various ways, my wife had put two and
two together and decided 1 was having
an affair with one of my students, which,
oddly, I was not.

Brendan was still pleading his case.
He had taken off his visor so he could
wave it around a little, and this had ex-
posed a vibrant white band of skull
around his head. He looked, in his cargo
pants and high-tops, like a vehement
hip-hop mushroom.

“Terrific,” I said. “You've made some
cogent points, Brendan. Let's hear from
someone who hasn't had a chance yet.”
My glance settled, unfortunately, onto
Ingrid. She was biting her lower lip.

“What do you think, Ingrid?"

“Brendan is going to burn in hell for
the rest of time,” she said quietly.

“That seems a little severe,” | said.

“What about Mandy?” Nicole said.
"She's supposed to be able to ask ques-
tions at the end, Mr. Lowe.”

“Of course,” I “Any questions?”

Mandy was wearing the sort of lip
gloss that made her look like she’d just
gone 10 rounds with a stick of butter.
She had settled on a conservative outfit
for the day, which meant you had to
imagine what her nipples looked like us-
ing only texture as a guide. She looked
down at her notebook and back up at me
and licked her lips and smiled and be-
gan to run her bracelets up and down
her wrist. There was nothing I could do
about any of this. They hadn't come up
with those kinds of arrest warrants yet.

“Nope,” she said. “None.”

This meant it was time for dass to be
over, which meant, given I could no lon-
ger tolerate being on campus for more
than one afternoon a week, that it was
time for office hours.

No one ever came to office hours ex-
cept Rob, who had always read some-
thing life altering and wanted to discuss
it and other issues of craft, which 1 man-
aged to avoid because I didn’t really un-
derstand what craft was, frankly, and be-
cause I no longer read anything written
after the Civil War. I endured these on-
slaughts only by reminding myself that
someday Rob would commit suicide.

“What are we going to do about this
Mahoney?” Rob said. “It's probably too

late to put him on academic probation.
But we could always ask him to with-
draw." He took out a pack of sugarless
gum and whacked it against the heel of
his palm. "We've got till April 15."

“I was thinking maybe of just letting
it slide. Chalking it all up to critical
enthusiasm.”

“That was harassment, Mr. Lowe.”

way now launched into a discourse
on Tristram Shandy, a book 1 might have
actually read, except that I hadn't.

‘There was a knock on the door. This
was a wondrous thing! A knock. On the
door.

“TIl need to see who that is,” I said.

Rob checked his watch and frowned.

I opened the door and there in front
of me stood Mandy. She had changed
into a tank top and red miniskirt, and
her little scent cloud smelled of coconut
and cigarettes.

“Hey,” she said.

=

Ti
¥

“Hey.”

“Are you, like, available?”

"Yes. Of course 1 am. Rob was just fin-
ishing up."

"No, I wasn't," he said.

"Yes, you were.”

Mandy flounced into my office and
suddenly I was mortified by the decor—
the antidrug poster clipped from a news-
paper and taped to the door, the erotic
renderings of Plato and Socrates. These
had been put up by my office-mate, a
gentleman named Jeffrey Thist, whom I
had never met and who was, apparently,
a classicist in recovery.

T watched Mandy settle into her chair.
“How do you think it went in there?”

“In where?”

“In class.”

Mandy had bound her hair up with
a chopstick and the loose strands kept
brushing her cheeks. “How did it go?”
she said uncertainly.

“Guess who?”

137

PLAYBOY

138

“The critique of your story.”

“I haven't read them yet,” she said.
“They're in my backpack.”

“Right. 1 meant the discussion.”

“The discussion?”

“Of your story. The discussion of your
story in class. | was concemed that some
of the comments may have been a little
upsetting.”

“Which comments?”

“Well, for instance, the comments that
Brendan was making.”

“Brendan?”

“Brendan Mahoney.” I paused. “The
observations he made about the moth-
er in your story, Susan.” Mandy's legs
were crossed and one of her flip-flops
dangled off her toes, which were painted
metallic blue. “I worried those might
have upset you.”

"In what way?"

“Just that Brendan was saying that
Susan, the character Susan, when she
thought about her daughter, how much
her daughter loved her horse, there was
an erotic element to her, the mother's,
thinking.

“Uh-huh.”

"Yes?"

“I'm not sure I'm following you,” Man-
dy said.

“Right,” I said. “OK. Remember in
class we were talking about your story
and Brendan read those lines about the
mom and the horse? And he was sug-
gesting that the mom might have had
certain feelings toward her daughter's
horse. Feelings of a sexual sort. That she
might have had some sexual feelings for
the horse. 1 was worried this might have
upset you. Because sometimes, as I've
said, we write things and people might
take them differently from the way we
intended. Brendan was not passing judg-
ment on you, or suggesting that you think
about horses in a sexual way.”

“But I do,” said Mandy.

She had the face of a doomed starlet—
small, round features that expressed a
kind of contemptuous yearning. Watch-
ing her apply lip gloss made you want to
grab God by the lapels and shout, “Now,
why did you have to go and arrange
that?” My fantasies about her, conjured
during failed efforts with the wife, were
sad and prosaic. Mandy on a bearskin
rug. Mandy with whipped cream. Mandy
insisting that I take my lashes like a man.

“Oh my God, I used to think about
horses all the time,” she said. "They're so
big and, like, strong, you know? 1 used
to go out to the stables, like, this stable
near my house, to wash my horse, Zeus.
"Cause when you ride, you know, you're
supposed to take care of your animal
That's part of the whole responsi
ty aspect. So when you go out to the sta-
ble, I mean, you see certain things when
you're in the stable.”

I made a noise then, a thoughtful litle
"Sure, I understand" noise.

“I think it has something to do with

my dad,” Mandy said. “He was really
well hung. That’s what my mom used to
always say. Hung like a horse. You know
that expression?”

I started to wonder if this wasn't may-
be a practical joke. Or, worse, if some un-
dercover-video show might have recruit-
ed Mandy. This was an era in which
hidden video had become the hot new
medium. Citizens found the authenticity
le. Real people. Real shame.

"I think that's where I made the con-
nection,” Mandy said. "Like, | drew on
those feelings I had as a girl. And then I
thought, But what if I died? Like if I
died in a terrible accident. What would
my mom do? Because we're, like, super-
close. Me and my mom."

1 thought about Mandy's first story,
Home at Last. |t was about a shy girl from
Stamford, Connecticut who arrives at
college and feels lonely (“as lonely as a
single pebble at the bottom of a vast blue
sea”) because her roommates decide, for
no good reason, that she’s a bitch and
won't include her in any of their activi-
ties. The girl (whose name in the story is
“the girl" —"that way she's more, like,
universal") considers dropping out of
school and returning to Stamford. But
then she meets some really cool girls
from another dorm and transfers there
and finally decides that “home is wher-
ever people are willing to get to know
the true you.” I looked at Mandy, who
had just reached into her purse and
would soon start applying lip gloss, and
started to sort of miss Home at Last.

“I'm not interested in appropriate
sex,” Mandy said. “That's what the guy I
was seeing said, the therapist. I always
go for these older guys. I went for a
couple of the teachers in high school.
Well, one of them was a coach, I guess.
It’s pretty shocking how easy it is to get
them. I guess some teachers are pretty
desperate.”

I did not say anything. I did not think
about Mandy's tattoo or any other part
of her. I did not watch her apply lip
gloss. I remained still. I remained still
and thought about the tapes of
talking on the phone with one of his old
flames. She asks him, “Do you like to eat
pussy?” And he, the future president of
the United States, answers: “You bet I
do.” The shock jocks had this snippet on
a continuous loop. What a noble answer!
A president who goes down! It was sad
to watch those dopes in Congress mug-
ging the guy, day after day. Thirty years
ago, when Kennedy was getting head
from whores in bathtubs, nobody made
a peep.

"That's what I like about college,”
Mandy said. “The teachers are so much
more, like, professional. And your class,
especially. You us a chance to ex-
press our feelings. Like how you talk
about we shouldn't be writers. We should
just tell the truth.”

“Right,” I said.

Mandy folded her arms across her
chest. “Is it always so cold in here?”

“It's central air. Sorry.”

“Yeah.” She shivered.
goose bumps.”

“About the story,” I said. “I do think
you've got something. Take a look at my
comments—"

“Can I ask you something, Mr. Lowe?"
Mandy said. “I mean, a more personal
question."

"Sure," I said. "But you know what?
Let me just check to make sure there's
no onc else waiting."

Mandy looked me dead in the eye and
1 looked back at her. Acouple of seconds
passed, a couple of very long seconds,
like perhaps the longest seconds in my
life, extremely complicated, morally un-
charted seconds, white-toothed, lip-glis-
tening seconds, abject, wave-goodbye-to-
certain-sacred-principles

Mandy nodded slowl
that,” she said. “You should check.”

So I got up and walked over to the
door, and as I stepped past her, Mandy
grazed my thigh with her hand, swept
her hand down the outside of my thigh,
and a great current of hope passed
through my body, followed by a frisson
of dread, followed by more hope, such
that I began to tremble, more than a lit-
tle, and Mandy, sensing this physiologi-
cal event, let her hand settle on my knee.

She began to gently massage the ante-
rior regions, as if checking for ligament
damage, while I looked down into her
face and tried to decide what sort of wit-
ness she would make in a court of law.

“I can tell you like me," Mandy said.
She smiled and blew a strand of hair off
her cheek. “And you want to kiss me, but
you're afraid ГЇЇ say something to one
of my stupid roommates and ruin the
whole thing. True?”

I dipped my chin in a manner that
was both a nod and a plausibly deniable
non-nod.

“But why would I do that to my fa-
vorite teacher in the whole world?”

Mandy closed her eyes and made her
lips into a buttery little bow. She gave my
trousers a prompting tug.

Well.

I suppose I bent to kiss her, just а
glancing kiss, a swift brush of my mouth
across hers, but Mandy needed more
than that. She grasped my thigh and let
out a stagy moan and shook loose the
chopstick, so that her hair fell free.
There was something in these gestures, a
certain rehearsed quality, that made me
sad. I felt suddenly, irretrievably sorry
for both of us: for Mandy, who viewed
her sexuality as a bright new user option
only obscurely related to her heart, and
for me, who was losing hair in clumps
and couldn't even give my wife a decent
poking anymore. I wanted to have a
good cry right then, preferably with my
head nuzzled somewhere warm.

But before 1 could do any such thing,

"I've got, like,

there was a knock on the door. I leaped
backward, smashing my tailbone against
the edge of my desk. The door swung
open a crack and I could see Brendan
standing there with his visor in one hand
and a cookie in the other. He reeked
of pot.

1 leaped toward him and flung open
the door the rest of the way, so that he
could see the entire office, Mandy seated
across from my desk with all her clothes
on and so forth.

“Hey,” he said.

“Brendan!”

“I didn't realize that you were with
someone.

“Just finishing!” I said.

“Hey, Mandy,” he said, and waved his
cookie.

Mandy was already rebinding her hair,
gathering up her purse. She slipped past
Brendan without looking at him.

Brendan remained in the hallway.

"Did you want to come in?" I said.

“Yeah. OK. Sure.”

He stepped into the office and sat
down.

“What's up,” I said.

But Brendan had spotted the anti-
drug poster, which showed a kid lying on
the ground facedown, with blood com-
ing out of his head. The legend under-
neath read: DRUGS SURE ARE GLAMOROUS.

“That's not mine,” f said

“No, it’s not. I don’t believe drugs are
that bad.”

Brendan seemed to consider this.
“Huh,” he said finally. “Yeah. 1 guess I'm
still sort of undecided on the issue.”

“Tell me why you're here,” I said.

There was a long lag on the answer. 1
wondered if Brendan might be under
the influence of a more powerful seda-
tive, such as Rohypnol, and where he
might have gotten it and whether he had
any in his pocket. He was now examin-
ing the naked Plato sketch.

“Is that you?” he said finally.

Plato," I said.

“Right. Plato.” He sat up in the chair

and began to nod. Then he slumped

down again, in the way characteristic of

young men who haven't quite grown in-
to their height.

“So,” I said.

“Yeah. I guess 1 wanted to apologize.
ke, for all that stuff in class today.
Sometimes I kind of get going on an idea
and just don't stop. Mandy was pretty
pissed. I think.”

“On the contrary,” I said. "She appre-
ciated how seriously you took her work.”

“I know Emily was pissed.”

There was another long pause. It oc-
curred to me that I was getting some-
thing of a contact high. Everything had
started moving more slowly, more inter-
estingly The events of the day were com-
ing to seem somehow related. Brendan
looked up at me with his sorry, blood-
shot eyes.

“Me and her were involved, you know.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. We just broke up. A couple of
weeks ago.”

“That's rough,” I said.

"It was weird, man. I mean, I don't
know if I want to lay it all out.”

"Your call," I said.

“1 assume, like, whatever I say will stay
between us. Like, on the DL. The down
low. Anyway, she's a nice girl. I've got
nothing against her. But she wanted to
do weird stuff.” Brendan sat there, fin-
gering the top of his cookie. "She liked
to touch my ass, man. Put stuff up there.
Weird. She had these balls made out of,
like, mercury or something. And a string
of pearls. And all this lube. Man, she was
the queen of lube. She was like, ‘Come
on. Be an adventurer.’ I told her, ‘Hey,
unless you're my personal physician,
you don't get to fifth base.’ I dunno,
man. I’m from New Hampshire. You
know what I mean?"

1 nodded.

“She wasall, like, ‘Are you afraid you're
gay? And I was like, "No. 1 don't like stuff
put up my ass. Does that make me рау?”

It wasn't clear to me whether Brendan
wanted this question answered

"So anyway, that's part of the reason T
might have gotten sort of crazy today.
Because here she is coming off all, like,
puritaniacal. like I'm so gross and I'm so
sick, when the truth is she's the freak.
Freaky-deaky." Brendan had halfway
crushed his cookie and he stared at the
pieces in his hand, then crammed them
into his mouth. “1 just wanted to say sor-
ry. I guess there’s no need to go into
detail. You probably don't need to hear
this stuff, seeing as you're married and
everything."

“How do you know I'm married?"

"The ring, bro."

“Right.”

"How's that working for you, the
marriage?”

“Fine,” I said. “Why do you ask?”

“I dunno. I just figure it'd be weird
to be around all these hot young cl
all the time and have the ball and chain
at home.”

“You learn to live with it.”

We were both silent for a while. Bren-
dan had slumped down so low his head
was resting on the back of the chair. He
closed his eyes and said, “I'm pretty sure
Mandy Shaw wants to fuck you, dude.”

“You think?”

“Man, I'd like to fuck her."

I made my thoughtful professorial
noise.

“What do you want to do long-term,
Brendan?”

“Long-term?” he said. “Hmm. Proba-
bly brain surgeon.”

"Don't you have to have pretty good
grades for that?"

Brendan looked down at his hand and
realized, with visible disappointment, that
he'd already eaten his cookie. “Yeah, that's
kind of the catch-22 of the situation."

"Can I ask you a question, Brendan?
Arc you stoned?"

"Not really anymore.”

“Well, for what it’s worth, I thought
your comments today were especially
insightful.”

“You did?”

“Yep.”

“You weren't pissed?”

“Not at all," І said. “A for the day.”

Brendan gazed at me shyly, as I imag-
ined a child might gaze at his father up-
on receiving a gift. “I still kind of miss
her,” he said.

My own wife had loved me once so

"I realize it's your policy not to take unsolicited sales calls, but
it’s our policy to keep annoying you till you do.”

139

PLAYBOY

140

fiercely that she shrieked through the
night. In the moments after love, our
skin had glowed and our lungs had wept
with joy. It was her belief, though, that
something had died within me, a cer-
tain capacity for tenderness. She had me
convinced.

Brendan had gone a little misty on me
ks to be alone,” he said. "It

I got up from behind my desk and
looked down into his face, a smooth, open
face, with so much woe still to come.

“What am I supposed to do?" he asked
me. “At night, I mean.”

1 laid my hand on his shoulder. “For-
give her. Forgive yourself. There's no
other way."

] know this sounds depressing, but it
was a lovely little moment, the two of
us sitting there in my office with tears
pooled in our eyes. I felt, for the first
ume in months, the urge to hug another
human being.

A number of unpleasant things hap-
pened later. Nicole Buswell filed a com-
plaint with the dean of students, alleg-
ing that my class was overly sexualized.
Rob Tway testified on my behalf. So did
Mandy Shaw. But the whole thing put
a cloud over me and I agreed to go on
leave. My wife filed for divorce and took
up with a Tae Bo instructor. The hard-
on difficulty was diagnosed and required
а costly and painful surgery.

But all that was still to come on the day

I'm describing. On that day, Brendan
and 1 rose from our chairs and strolled
into the dusk. It was one of those warm
spring jobs that coats everything in gold,
and we floated through the courtyard,
with its sleeping crocuses and luminous
blades of grass. The cafeteria was pump-
ing out the sweet, greasy smell of calico
skillet, and the tall stone cathedral was
dozing before us and all the students
gathered in the shadows to hug struck
me, just then, as beautiful creatures,
freaks, all of them, with their frail bodies
and fearless hearts. We could hear them
kissing, wetly, to the point of collapse.
Brendan ducked into an alcove be-
hind the rectory. He pulled a joint from
his hip pocket, lit up and took a drag.
“You want a rip?” he said.
“Better not," I said, taking the joint.
The lovers were all around us, mak-
ing their strange, gentle noises of mer-
cy. I took my rip and Brendan nodded.
“Nice,” he said. “Nice form.” He put his
arm around me, as if we'd done some-
thing heroic together, as if the happiness
within us were a puff of smoke we might
hold on to forever, and he snorted like
a horse, a young fearless stallion who'd
just shaken his bridle and pawed the
ground, and I snorted and pawed the
ground, too, and both of us began to gig-
gle, wildly, senselessly, and went gallop-
ing (us stallions!) off into the dusk.

“Ed! It’s your wife! How did she know where to find us?”

CHINA SYNDROME

(continued from page 78)
would be required to defeat the assault
of only one mock terrorist—Foster Zeh.

Even with such a stacked deck, Enter-
gy needed assurance that the guards
would prevail, “They told me to have a
bad day,” Zeh says. “They said they knew
what I was capable of doing, but that I
should just forget about it and let the
guards win. They needed this Attach-
ment 3 to stay open.

“1 was indignant. There was no way |
was going to be a yes-man for Entergy,”
Zeh says now. The more he thought
about the superintendent's order, the
more incensed he became. Over his en-
tire career, he had tried to perform at
the highest level possible. Now his boss
was telling him to “have a bad day.”

“I had put up with lies about security
at Indian Point for almost six years, and
1 decided this was the time to take a
stand," Zeh says. At the time he said
nothing, but he had no intention of let-
ting the guards win. He saw the test as
an opportunity to force Entergy to ratch-
et up security. He realized that he was
risking his job, but he was determined.
"There are three things you can't take
away from me," he would later say with
the conviction of a former military man.
“My duty, my honor and my country. I
have too much pride to do otherwise.”

To test the early warning system, Zeh
decided to use the most realistic scenar-
io in his arsenal: He was going to attack
the 239-acre nuclear complex from the
shoreline of the Hudson River. When he
forced his big frarne under the security
perimeter, the bells at Central Alarm
stayed silent. The NRC inspector
frowned. When Zeh was able to do it
four more times, all within the same 30-
yard zone, the inspector was livid. He
demanded to know what was wrong. Zeh
stood up and explained that he was able
to breach the fence because manage-
ment had ramped down the sensitivity
on the wires to prevent nuisance alarms
caused by animals and winds whipping
off the Hudson.

The second phase of the Attachment 3
Inspection involved a tabletop drill—
Zeh versus two of Indian Point's security
supervisors. The war game exercise was
played with magnetic pieces on wall-
mounted boards, broken up much like a
chess board to represent various sections
of the plant. Attacking players use mag-
netic pieces marked with an A; defense
pieces are marked with an $. The game
is timed—two minutes to reach a given
target set (say, cooling system and back-
up system) and destroy it (causing a ra-
diological release) before you're taken
out by the arriving security force.

While the superintendent grimaced,
Zeh went after Indian Point 2's soft un-
derbelly, the spent-fuel pool. Click! He
defeated the fence with faux explosives.

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Click! He sought cover behind a maze of
trailers and Dumpsters bordering the
spent-fuel pool known as the “mobile
park area.” The security force was un-
able to get a dear shot at Zeh. The NRC
inspector scrawled notes on a clipboard
as Zeh continued his assault.

Just before Zeh could move his mark-
er to enter the fucl-storage building, an
Entergy representative abruptly called a
time-out. Everyone was speechless.
There were not supposed to be any time-
outs in tabletop drills. Win or lose, the
game was played out to its conclusion. A
moment passed. Zeh was taken out into
the hall to discuss the proceedings.

Before Zeh could explain his honor-
able intentions, the Entergy representa-
tive ripped into him. “He told me to
‘Shut the fuck up!" Zeh recounts. "He
didn't want me to tell them about the
Dumpsters and trailers.” That's when
Zeh knew the game was over.

Back in the conference room, the su-

perintendent took Zeh’s place and com-
pleted the drill for him. Without Zeh
moving the magnetic pieces around the
board, the defending security force easi-
ly prevailed. The NRC inspector gave
Indian Point a passing grade on the At-
tachment 3 Inspection.

There is no greater threat to the New
York City metropolitan area than Indian
Point's spent-fuel pools. Zeh knew it,
and so did everyone else who was watch-
ing him in the conference room.

Gordon Thompson is executive direc-
tor of the Institute for Resource and Se-
curity Studies in Cambridge, Massachu-
setts, a nonprofit group that conducts
technical and policy analysis to promote
international security. He is considered
one of the top authorities on spent-fuel
pools—his policies concerning nuclear
safety have been accepted or adopted by
agencies around the world.

^... So then we thought, Why not save all that money and just
have spring break in your dorm!”

“The spent-fuel pool technology,” says
Thompson, “was put in place in the Sev-
enties to hold a relatively small amount
of extremely toxic material. Spent-fuel
pools in the U.S. have been abused in or-
der to store substantially more than they
were designed to hold—perhaps five
times more than is appropriate. That
means that the waste material is ata very
high packing density.” The higher the
density, the hotter the mix.

"These pools weren't designed to re-
sist attack,” says Thompson. “Гуе been
talking about this issuc for 25 years. The
risk of attack is substantially higher these
days, and it's rising. Draining a spent-fu-
el pool is within the capabilities of a well-
trained paramilitary unit.

“The NRC's own studies show that a
spent-fuel fire is a physical reality,” he
continues. “In these highly packed
pools, all you have to do is take away the
water and the fuel will spontancousl:
nite and burn. It's all laid out in NR.
technical literature."

Without the cooling water, exposed
fuel rods reach a temperature of more
than 900 degrees centigrade, causing
the zirconium cladding of the fuel-rod
casing to burn. Once ignited, the fire
would release large amounts of radioac-
ivity into thc air. As thc
burns, an exothermic reaction occurs
and what little water is left becomes, in
effect, gasoline and fuels an inferno that.
will burn for days.

The official NRC opinion is that Indi-
an Point's three pools are completely se-
cure because they are set below grade in
bedrock—hard to hit by a plane and dif-
ficult to drain. Foster Zeh knows that
isn’t true. The Indian Point 2 pool is ac-
tually more above ground than below.

Housed in a nondescript outbuilding
witha tin roof, the pool is 30 feet wide by
60 feet long and 40 feet deep. The NRC
requires that 22 feet of water cover the
rods; Entergy claims fuel rods at Indian
Point are covered by 25 feet of water.
The important issuc, however, is how
much of the pool's 40-foot depth is be-
low grade. Foster Zeh, who has been in
the IP 2 fucl-storage building countless
times, describes the cement walls of the
spent-fuel pool towering at least 30 feet
in the air on three of the pool's four
sides. The fuel rods, approximately 12
feet long at the minimum, stand length-
wise—top to bottom—at the floor of the
pool, which means that if the walls were
hed by explosives (let alone an air-
the tops of the rods would be ex-
posed to the atmosphere.

Few outsiders have been inside these
buildings. In ‚e-plus years at Indian
Point, Zeh says he’s never seen the IP 2
spent-fuel building opened to the public
or the press. When Hillary Rodham
Clinton visited recently, she didn't get
a peek. People ask, of course, but no-
body gains entrance. Zeh says the rea-
son is obvious: It would blow Entergy's

assurances concerning the impregnable
“below grade” spent-fuel pools

David Lochbaum is one of the world's
leading authorities on spent-fuel pools.
s my understanding, from visits to
Indian Point and looking at drawings
while working as a consultant at Indian
Point 3, that the spent-fuel pools are
largely underground, t for the side
facing the river My recollec-
tion is that the above-ground portion of
the pool walls is approximately 15 feet or
so. But it's moot whether it's zero feet [as
Entergy asserts], 15 feet or 30 feet [as
Foster claims]. Because of the topogra-
phy, the pool wall on the Hudson River
side of the building is nearly all above
ground. It's reasonable to assume that
terrorists would target that wall.’
ground attack where terrorists gain
access to spent-fuel storage building is a
more likely scenario with the greatest
chance of says Zeh. “If they po-
sitioned explosives on the outside of the
spent-fuel pool walls and dropped pow-
erful charges into the pool itself, they
would uncover the fuel and trigger a
fire. Indian Point ran mock attack drills
to test the security force's ability to de-
fend against such an attack. Mock attack-
ers, including me, were able to gain ac-
ss to the spentfuel storage building
in under 40 seconds and position mock
explosives. Were those explosives real,
there would have been a catastrophe.

George McSpedon was security super-
visor at Indian Point 2 from 1997 to
1998. After leaving Wackenhut, he
worked as a New York City policeman
for four years before joining the Pough-
keepsie police department. McSpedon
confirms Zeh's description of the IP
spent-fuel structure. “Three sides of IP
2's SFP are completely exposed,” he
says, "and they stand at least 30 feet tall.
The protected wall is the north one.”
MeSpedon and Zeh agree that the north
wall is shielded by an adjacent building.
As for the pools being below grade, says
McSpedon, “It’s bullshit, plain and sim-
ple. The NRC and Entergy have been
using the embedded-in-bedrock excuse
from day one—the pools are vulnerable
as hell.”

“Foster's a straight-up guy,” says Mc-
Spedon. “The two of us went through an
adversary course together. We'd get into
the plant and melt it down every time.”

Bob Alvarez, a senior policy advisor to
the Secretary ergy from 1993 to
1999, weighs in: “The fuel pools are not
protected by bedrock. But what really
worries me is that nuclear power plants
are clearly on the short list of terrorist
targets—they’re always mentioned when
the government issues alerts.” (During
his State of the Union speech in January
2002, President Bush revealed that “dia-
grams of American nuclear power
ts” were discovered by U.S. troops
in Afghanistan.) “Even worse, Indian
Point has wedged a flatbed truck loaded

with tanks of highly flammable com-
pressed hydrogen between the pool area
and the reactor. I worked in the DOE
nuclear weapons program, which is no
paragon of safety, and we didn’t even do
that. That's like having a bomb right
next to your two most vital radiological
areas. And it's still there! Enter;
"We don't have to move it bec
meets the NRC safety regulation:

"The NRC is a captive regulatory
agency, controlled by the same industry
they've been entrusted to oversee," says
Gordon Thompson. "Credible threats
from Congress have been made to dras-
tically cut the agency's budget unless it is
friendly to the industry."

"There's a revolving door between
NRC personnel and the utilities," says
Alvarez. "The higher-paying jobs are in
the private sector. If you behave your-
self, once you punch your ticket with the
NRC you can get an annuity and go
work for the industry and make even
more money. But if you rock the boat,
you're banned." In fact, Entergy has at
least one former NRC inspector on its
staff whose wife also happens to work for
the commission.

Entergy spokesperson Jim Steets in-
sists the plant is safe. "Mr: Zeh offers his
opinion on things he has no knowledge
or expertise on,” he says. “You can call
this an old boy's network if you like, but
there are federal regulations we must
comply with that include implementing
enhanced security measures since Sep-
tember 11. We spent $7 million improv-
ing security, and there have been securi
ty inspections performed by the NRC
since Zeh made his allegations.”

When asked about Zeh's version of.
events concerning the Attachment 3 In-
spection, Steets says only, "That sounds
incredible to me." Fifteen minutes later
he calls back: “All of MESE he said is un-
true, He was re
"s bec;

form." Of all the security officers in the
plant, why would Entergy choose Zch if
there was a possibility that he would un-

derperform? Steets says, “There was an
expectation that he could perform, but
he couldn't."

Major Bob Ryan was Zeh's supervisor
at West Point in 1 and 1994, and he
has nothing but praise for Zeh. "Foster
is of outstanding charact Ryan
"When he told me something, I could al-
ways count on it being truthful and cor-
rect. He's a very courageous soldier and
100 percent dependable. Whatever he
has said about Indian Point I would take
to the bank."

As for the NRC's response to the
charge that its tests were rigged? “The
allegations Mr. Zeh has made are still be-
ing looked at by us,” says an anonymous
spokesperson. “We don’t comment on
ongoing investigations.”

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14

Seven weeks after the Attachment 3
Inspection, Foster Zeh was pulled off his
shift by Entergy investigators and placed
on immediate administrative leave.

Last December, a copy of an internal
report on security—which had been
completed nearly a year earlier and was
never shared with Zeh or any of the 59
guards surveyed—was given to The New
York Times by Riverkeeper, an environ-
mental group headed by Robert F. Ken-
nedy Jr. Zeh was quoted briefly in the
ensuing article—the first time he spoke
out in public. As for Entergy, spokesper-
son Jim Steets said the problems were in-
herited (Entergy bought Indian Point 3
from the New York Power Authority—
Steets' previous employer—in 2000, and
Indian Point 2 from Consolidated Edi-
son in September 2001).

The report's most surprising statistic
is that 81 percent of the security officers
surveyed felt they could not adequately
defend the plant, and almost all agreed
that more security was needed. Another
troubling detail: Security officers at IP 2
patrolled the grounds without a cham-
bered round in either their Glock or
their rifle. The self-flagellation contin-

ued: Fifty percent of the guard force was
overweight, applicants with no experi-
ence were being hired, snowball fights
were an on-duty sport, security drills
were not only dumbed down but rigged
and everyone was forced to work absurd
overtime (often six or seven days straight
on 12- to 16-hour shifts, regardless of
health). And these employees weren't a
bunch of save-the-whales types. They
were as pronuke as you could get, se-
curity personnel whose livelihoods de-
pended on the continued existence of
nuclear power.

Two days after the Times article ran,
Zeh’s wife silently handed him a copy of
the local Times Herald-Record newspaper.
The story that covered the security crisis
at the plant included a personal attack
“He was an impressive security officer
when we hired him,” Entergy spokesper-
son Steets was quoted as s;

"he's gone over the edge."
tions about me are killing me,” Zeh says
now. “It’s especially devastating because
I have a 15-year-old daughter. The par-
ents of her classmates read the newspa-
pers and the kids in school talk about it.”

Entergy has yet to reinstate Zeh's em-

“Since you don't do it on the first date, I'll be back in
an hour for our second date.”

ployment. And in a January 30, 2003
New York Times story about the plant, an
NRC commissioner insisted that the
spent fuel was safe, secure and almost
entirely below ground. Zeh is bitter
about the way Indian Point management
has treated him. Although he is being
paid while on administrative leave, he is
losing at least $180 a week in overtime
wages. He rejected Entergy's settlement
offer in exchange for his resignation. “1
want to be officially reinstated so I
clear my name and leave on my ow
says. “This is not an obsession for me. 1
spend my time with my family, I have a
life.” These days, he does security for
several protective service agencies and
helped guard Bill Clinton when he ap-
peared at a fund-raiser in New York.

.

“We're all born with a 20 to 25 percent
chance of getting cancer,” says the NRC's
Edward McGaffigan, who is cavalier
about the dangers at Indian Point. He
doesn’t understand what the fuss is all
about. “Al Qaeda is going to strike where
they get the largest bang for their limited
buck,” he says. “If they study one of
these plants, it's unlikely they'd say,
“Let's attack tl As for the results of a
pool fire, it’s not a vast area that's unin-
habitable. It's a limited area, and you get
almost no deaths. When we run the mod-
els outside the facility, we typically get ze-
ro immediate deaths. We will get so-
called stochastic deaths, an increase in a
person's probability of contracting can-
cer sometime in the future." McGaffi-
gan's statement contradicts a February
2001 NRC report that revealed that ill-
nesses and loss of life from a spent-fuel
pool fire would be horrific and its impact
would be felt hundreds of miles away.

David Lochbaum points out that the
water intake for the cooling systems at
Indian Point is “exposed and vulnera-
ble.” He says the plant's diesel water
pumps have a redundancy system, but
the design is a problem—all nine pumps
are situated next to one another and can
be taken out with one assault.

Nuclear security expert Pete Stockton
calls Zeh a hero. He backs up Zeh's alle-
gations about sleeping guards, out-of-
shape guards, guards who can't shoot
straight and guards who would fold like
а card table upon hearing the battle cry
“Allah Akbar!" He says he knows the
mock attack drills are rigged. Listen to
Stockton long enough and you'll realize
that Indian Point and virtually every
ar plant in the country are
le targets. “That’s why the
NRC talks about the thickness of the
containment domes,” says Stockton.
“Because if you talk about anything else,
it's a very short conversation. Foster
doesn't like short conversa ions. TI he guy
likes to talk, god bless him

Jorja Fox

(continued from page 123)
its available. There are a lot of men find-
ing out that they aren't, in fact, fathers,
and it's a healthy thing for them to know
one way or the other

10

PLAYBOY: Are people creepier in real life
or on television?

rox: 1 guess that depends on where you
hang out. People are creepy in real life,
but there is something much creepier
about people who are seemingly normal
but can act like serial killers. But I have
to come to their defense because I'm an
actor. The schizophrenic positions that
we put ourselves in for a living are pret-
ty disturbing to outsiders, but not to me.

11

PLAYBOY: Which star of a comedy show
would you like to see victim on CSI?
Fox: Larry David! I'd love to see him na-
ked in the morgue. I've never met him,
but I love his show. He's brilliant and
funny, and it would be great to see him
play a corpse.

12

PLAYBOY: If the cast of Friends is worth
millions of dollars per episode and they
just sit around.
rox: Then there's certainly hope for ac-
tors everywhere that there's no ceiling
on employment.

13

PLAYBOY: What's the worst-smelling thing
in the lab?

rox: Burned human skin. Sometimes
we wish the show were scratch-and-sniff,
because we have to pretend that we're
encountering bad smells all the time.
Maybe that’s for season four or five

14

PLAYBOY: You go home after filming an
episode that involves a particularly gris-
ly crime. What do you fix for yourself
rox: Probably а cold beer and a hot bath,
and I might have nightmares. Right now
1 really like Pilsner Urquell beer—a lot

15

bLavsov: We understand you're allergic
to marriage. What are the symptoms?
rox: Heart palpitations. And a feeling
that I can't get enough oxygen. Cold
sweats come with that. A burning desire
to get into a fast car and drive quickly
out of state. 1 have an inability to prop-
erly communicate, then the phone mys-
teriously breaks so I can't return calls. I
hope to get over it someday, actually
I believe in true love and commitment
and intimacy. That stuff is great. But,
yes, I have this little problem.

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16

pravsoy: Do you get out of paying for
speeding tickets?

Fox: Who says I speed? No, I would nev-
er do that. Maybe there are a couple of
things I would try to get out of if caught.
But for the most part, I would take re-
sponsibility. I'm not a huge speeder. I
have a speed warning on my car. I set it
at a certain speed and try not to go over
it. But when I'm in the car and the mu-
sic is up, 1 could look down and be 20, 25
miles over the limit.

17

PLAYBOY: For security reasons, have you
been thoroughly frisked lately?

Fox: Yeah, actually, I have. Isn't it а nor-
mal part of air travel these days? I took a
flight with Gary Dourdan and George.
We were flying first-class from Los An-
geles to Vegas and had one-way tickets.
We were stopped at every possible point
along the way. probably six times. Our
shocs were off, our pants were rolled up.
My shirt was up to here, the guys’ shirts
were off. It was kind of fun to share that

with two other people. I realize it was be-
cause of the one-way tickets. | support
the airlines and the things they have to
do to keep travel safe, but that one was a
bit much—a threesome frisk. I saw parts
of George and Gary that I hadn't noticed
before. And that was comforting

18

PLAYBOY: We understand you can play
Stairway to Heaven on guitar. Do you do
any other solo tributes?

Fox: I have never been good at cover
songs, mostly because it's so obvious that
you can't play when you do them. If I
make something up, I can fool people
for a while. But the minute you offer up
asong people know, they find out wheth-
er you're good or not. I can play a little
bit of Van Morrison and Traffic, some
Beatles stuff and a little Crosby, Stills,
Nash and Young. I was madly in love
with a boy in junior high school who
played guitar. I picked up the guitar
because I thought it would be a way to
hang out with him. When I stopped
hanging out with him, I kept playing. I

have a 1967 Rickenbacker hollow-body
electric. It's beautiful. And I have a Y;
aha acoustic, a brilliant guitar. It was a
gift from some friends many years ago.
Having a guitar that beautiful inspires
me to get better.

19

PLAYBOY: Besides your name, what do
you have alternative spellings for?

Fox: My mom made up Jorja. 1 spent the
first 10 years of my life convincing peo-
ple that I knew how to spell my name

Everyone tried to tell me I couldn't spell.

I'm not a good talker. I'm not very ver-
bal, so I don't have alternative names for
most things. I'm lucky if I can get some-
thing out that’s more than two syllables.
In English.

20

PLAYBOY: Has anyone made a charming
play on your last name? And how did
you reward it?

Fox: Yes. I stayed for breakfast.

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148

BILLY BOB THORNTON

(continued from page 60)
Disraeli's hair, though.
PLAYBOY: So that's not another rumor?
Why him?
THORNTON: I saw it in pictures when I
was growing up—this little shelf of hair. 1
just knew there were dust and mites in it.
It freaked me out. It made me feel the
way a castle makes me feel. See, I don't
understand why people write all these
things about me that are untrue. Why do
they need to make things up? I don't
think eating orange food is as weird as
having a fear of Benjamin Disraeli's hair.
PLAYBOY: So you eat non-orange food?
THORNTON: Yes. That rumor started be-
cause I eat papaya at this one place a lot.
It’s orange. Maybe I had salmon there
once, too, Some waiter maybe said I on-
ly eat orange food. That's how it starts.
PLAYBOY: Do you have a fear of flying?
THORNTON: I don't have a fear of flying. I
have a fear of crashing.
PLAYBOY: Live theater?
THORNTON: Yes, because they talk too
loud. I have a hard time sitting in my
seat in a quiet, dark place. It's almost
as if | have Tourette's syndrome—I want
to run up onstage and pull the actor's
pants down or something. Another thing
bothers me about it: Why do they do it?
In the old days they did live theater be-
cause that's all they could do. I wish they
would fucking quit. I like original plays
and I sit through them. I love musicals,
But I don't want to go sec Cal on a Hot
Tin Roof and 1 don't want to do Shake-
speare, for Christ's sake, a bunch of peo-
ple talking in that fucking language. We
don't understand half the shit they're
saying and pretend we do. The reason

they used to do Shakespeare in the town
square was because they didn't have any
electricity. Now? Get a fucking guitar out
and let's have a rock-and-roll show.
PLAYBOY: When you decided to release an
album, were you worried that you were
following in the footsteps of William
Shatner?
THORNTON: The thing is, some of the ac-
tors everyone shits on for creating music
are as good as some of the shitty pop.
stars. You don't have to be an actor to be
ashitty musician.
PLAYBOY: What is it that has made it a
cliché for actors to want to be musicians?
THORNTON: Growing up, you don't ever
consider that you can't be both if you do
both. Music? Movies? It's all art. Dennis
Quaid plays some pretty good rock and
roll. Why not? Russell Crowe was tour-
ing about the time my record came out.
A bunch of articles had something about,
“Who the hell do these movie stars think
they are?” Fortunately for me, they sin-
gled me out as one who was real.
PLAYBOY: There's an advantage for well-
known actors. Many would never get
record deals if it weren't for their fame.
THORNTON: On the other hand, you're al-
so going to get slammed. Who cares?
People can kiss my ass. They think I
didn't pay my dues? If they want to come
out here and live what I've lived for the
past 20 years, they will see I worked my
way up. I was a roadie. Nitty Gritty Dirt
Band, Johnny Paycheck. At 18 I had a
band that opened for Humble Pie. I
have no apologies; I worked my ass off as
a musician, worked my ass off as an ac-
tor. I wasn't born with a silver spoon in
my mouth.
PLAYBOY: How bad did it get during your
uggling to make it as an actor

“So, what you're telling me, Mr. Owens, is that you'd feel more
comfortable if a man touched your genitals?”

and musician?

THORNTON: I came to California in 1981.
1 didn't know where I was going to eat
much of the time. Not having enough
money to stay here, not having enough
to go home. And having nothing to go
home to anyway. What was I going to
do? Go back and shovel asphalt for the
Arkansas Highway Department?
PLAYBOY: Is that when you worked in a
pizza restaurant?

THORNTON: I worked at a Shakey’s, went
in there in the middle of the afternoon.
The place was empty except for this
manager, who asked if I had ever cooked
in a restaurant. 1 said, "Yeah." I could
barely make toast.

PLAYBOY: You landed in the hospital.
THORNTON: Later. I ran out of money
and did not have any food atall. The last
thing I had bought wasa big bag of pota-
toes. I ate potatoes boiled in water or
fried, kind of chipped them off the pan.
Eventually I ran out of those, too, and
got sick. Malnourished. In the emer-
gency room, a girl on the other side of
the curtain had been in a car accident
and died. Another guy had been shot
with a shotgun. I was on morphine. I got
up in my hospital gown and just got the
hell out of there.

PLAYBOY: Were you doing drugs during
that period?

THORNTON: No. I quit pretty early —in
my early 20s.

PLAYBOY: What was your drug of choice?
THORNTON: All of it.

PLAYBOY: Did you shoot drugs?
THORNTON: I did all of it.

PLAYBOY: What made you stop?
THORNTON: 1 was watching The Honey-
mooners on a little black-and-white tele-
vision with some friends in this trailer.
Jackie Gleason started doing things in
the show that I knew damn well he could
not have been doing in the show.
PLAYBOY: You were hallucinating?
THORNTON: Yeah. Then, when you're high,
you start having these stupid thoughts of
what will make you beter. “If I can only
get in my neighbor's yard and start hi
lawn mower everything will be OK."
Whatever. I thought, If I could only get
in George's car. George, a friend of mine
who wasn't there, had a Poi
ville. I stepped outside the tra
seemed like a 12-foot drop. I went to the
car, but the hood seemed only about a
foot long while the rest of the car seemed.
as if it went down the block. I thought, If
I could only get in the backseat, I'll be
OK. One of those nights of too many
mixtures of drugs. It wasn't the worst ex-
perience I'd ever had, but 1 thought,
What an asshole you are. I stopped
PLAYBOY: Do you drink?

THORNTON: It’s not something I need.
T've always been a sporadic drinker.
PLAYBOY: When did you start having sex?
THORNTON: I wasn't taken by my dad to a
whorehouse or anything, but I was 12
The girl was 12, too.

PLAYBOY: That's fairly young.

THORNTON: Us hillbillies get along pretty
well in that way. She and I tried to figure
out what the hell to do. “What's thi
don't know." "Why don't we pu
there." She screamed bloody murder. It
wasn't all that much fun. It kind of
freaked me out. Afterward, she seemed
pissed at me even though it was her idea.
I didn’t do it again until I was 14. After
that I was like a hound dog. I was with
a lot of women. Through baseball and
playing in a band, I got all the girls. Also,
I hung out with girls. Usually it's the gay
guy who's hanging out with all the girls.
But I was never a caveman. There's a lot
about guys that I didn't get. “Look at the
tits on her!" I always was more into fi-
nesse than whistling or honking. Maybe
the combination of athlete and artist was
appealing, compared with a lot of the
lugs. Like Carrie is Roger's girlfriend and
they won homecoming king and queen,
and in the meantime Carrie would come
and fuck me on Thursday night before
the game, telling me what an asshole
Roger was. Roger gets off in 30 seconds,
then eats a bologna sandwich and drinks
a Dr Pepper. I'm talking to the girl about
Dickens and playing Beatles records
PLAYBOY: Did you fall in love or was it
sport?

THORNTON: I fell in love until I had my
heart broken a few times. Then I started
falling in love again. It's my pattern. I
fall in love, get my heart broken and
spend a couple of years having fun, then
somebody comes along again and it's
like, Oh yeah. I forgot. I was always like
that, in Arkansas and when I came to
California.

PLAYBOY: Where you finally broke into
the movies. How did that happen?
THORNTON: І was writing all the time, was
in a theater group and doing music, too
1 was just trying to keep my head above
water. Then the acting things started to
pay me enough to live—bit parts on Mat-
lock, Divorce Court or whatever the hell
show would have me. My friend Tom
Epperson and I kept writing scripts. We
had written One False Move. Eventually,
meeting this person, meeting that per-
son, we were able to do it

PLAYBOY: Were you surprised by the reac-
tion to Sling Blade?

THORNTON: I thought it might be a criti-
cal success but had no idea it would be-
come a phenomenon. I think the reason
is that it appealed to the more artsy
crowd as an independent film and to the
regular Joes as a regular film. I was ac-
cepted in two worlds. The guy who runs
the John Deere shop in Iowa likes my
movies and so does the snotty, beret-
wearing person at the art gallery.
PLAYBOY: Why haven't you directed more?
THORNTON: | had a bad time with All the
Pretty Horses. The studio cut my sound-
Then they marketed the movie as
this young romance about the West and
lost the audience that might have come

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to see it if it were an artsier picture. ГЇЇ
direct again if I find something 1 love
that is not going to get butchered.
PLAYBOY: You're releasing a new CD. Is it
the sequel to Private Radio?

THORNTON: It's sort of a concept album—
an Arkansas version of Tommy. We have
25 songs, 21 originals. The covers fit the
story, too, about a broken man on his
way to healing.

PLAYBOY: Anyone we know?

THORNTON: Anything I do in movies or
music is autobiographical. I wrote nine
songs in three days over at the Sunset
Marquis right when I got back from the
tour. I called Johnny Cash one day and
said, “Cash, I wrote nine songs in the last
three days.” He said, “I am sorry. You
had a bad few days, didn't ya?”

PLAYBOY: What did he mean?

THORNTON: I was sad. Really sad. So I
just wrote all those songs.

PLAYBOY: Are you unhappy now?
THORNTON: Everything now is all right. I
am at the point carecrwise where 1 had
hoped I would be. I still work from
movie to movie. I don't make $20 mil-
lion a movie, but for a small-town guy
who grew up in the middle of nowhere,
I make more money than anybody back

Ya! -TUey called me a See
Bur Tew all Hose crop <i
looked like tHe Work of Riverdance t

there would ever dream.
do not feel that there is anything lacking.
My kids are doing better than ever. So all
those parts of my life are fine.

PLAYBOY: What part isn't?

THORNTON: After a while, I start thinking
that maybe I'll never have a real home. 1
got my kids, but they're across town. I
got friends, but they’re out there some-
where. My family is back in Arkansas. I
have a house, but I don't have a center,
an actual home where I live with the
people 1 love. Thanksgiving doesn't just
happen around me, I have to make it
happen, gather people together.
PLAYBOY: Do you know why?

THORNTON: | don't. Like I said, I'm a
hobo: born to roam, though these days I
don't go out much. As I get older, I get
more paranoid. I had hoped it would be
the other way around. So instead of go-
ing out, I have friends come over and we
shoot pool and hang out and listen to
music and watch television and stuff.
here. My friends make jokes about me
becoming like Howard Hughes. I hardly
go out, but I get by all right.

Hear exclusive audio of this interview at
Playboy.com.

V

K.
icles

velvet rope orgy

(continued from page 84)
been into women. But this wasn't some
postkegger fumbling in a dorm room.
These people projected an air of glam-
orous sexual adventure. It also didn't
hurt that they were drop-dead gorgeous.

All attention turned to the two women
on the sofa as their brushing lips pressed
into a full kiss. Then they were undress-
ing each other. The Asian woman was
soon naked except for her high heels.
She pulled away the blonde’s black dress
to reveal natural breasts sitting high and
firm. The Asian girl kissed down her
friend's belly before burying her face be-
tween two long legs.

Gabby's fingers found my thigh. I took
her hand and squeezed, The women
across the room grew louder, their moans
mingling with the music. They slid onto
the rug. Next to me, Matt was giving his
girlfriend, Kelly, a back rub. Her eyes
were closed, making her the only person
in the room not focused on the floor
show. “I'm so tense,” she murmured
The two women seemed to resurface,
shared a knowing look and crawled, cat-
like, toward Kelly. The blonde began
massaging her all over while her friend
kissed Kelly's neck.

Gabby slid to her knees, still holding
my hand, which she placed firmly be-
tween Kelly’s legs. It was warm and wet.
The Asian girl kissed down Kelly's front,
licked my fingers, then nuzzled my hand
aside. The Nordic blonde was now be-
hind Kelly, kissing her neck and shoul-
ders. Her partner began working more
intently between Kelly's legs, smoothly
slipping off her panties. She planted her
mouth on Kelly’s pussy in a full, wet kiss.

As Kelly tossed her head and started

moaning, Gabby led me to Ron, now
sprawled on the rug. He was wearing
boxers, an erection poking through the
flap. “Do you like my boyfriend?” Gabby
whispered, calmly placing my hand on
are breast.
“No,” I said. "I mean, yes, but I'm shy.
I mean, I only like women.” I was bab-
bling. Still holding my hand, she pulled
me down to my knees as she knelt to take
Ron's cock in her mouth. 1 felt my resis-
tance ebbing. Then I was exploring her
body with my fingers. Sometimes she
would pull away to kiss me, his taste still
on her lips. In the middle of all this hazy
lust, I heard Kelly's moans grow into a
climax. Nearby, another voice began cry-
ing out—and then another.

As I replayed the orgy in my head
over the next few days, what most struck
me was how easily I had been led by the
gentle persuasion of the female ring-
leaders. The most significant difference
between today’s swingers and baby
boomer sexual trailblazers is that today
the women set the agenda from start
to finish. Indeed, the only men who
got off at the loft orgy were with their

usual mates; only the women got some
strange, as the saying goes. Most women
these days think nothing of curling up
with their boyfriends and watching cable
soft-core, which invariably depicts styl-
ized threesomes, lesbianism and the oc-
casional orgy. It's not such a huge step
from the vicarious thrills of The Bachelor
to playing voyeur—and more—in real life.
traight women are finding they сап
be intimate with other women without
being identified as bisexual or lesbian,”
says Melinda Gallagher, a sexologist with
a master’s degree from New York Uni-
versity and co-founder of Cake, a Man-
hattan party series that doesn’t throw
orgies but does encourage women to
indulge their fantasies—lap dances,
stripteases—in public. “Girl-girl play is
happening a lot at our parties.” In fact,
for college women with pretensions to
hipness, getting it on with the girl from
Psych 101 has become de rigueur. Never
having at least made out with a girl is un-
cool, a bit like never having smoked pot.
I met a lot of these women in the new
sex-party scene. They're the ones who
did it in college and liked it—and those
who never did but are making up for lost
time. Now they have access to a con-
trolled environment in which it’s safe to
explore, where group sex is no more
taboo than wearing last year's shoes.

THE TOGA-LESS PARTY

Now baptized, I began exploring the
orgy underground with the zeal ofa teen
still tasting her first French kiss. Several
weeks later I was asked to another event.
‘The buzz of my first Flirt party had worn
off. I didn’t want to go alone, so a friend
set me up with an “open-minded gentle-
man.” The next night he paid the cab
driver outside a three-story brick build-
ing. At 10:30 р.м. we stepped inside. A
muscled doorman appeared from the
shadows.

“Help you?” he said flatly.

Startled, my date cleared his throat
but only stuttered, "Um. ...” It was a
classic velvet-rope moment. But I knew
the magic words.

“I've never slept with a virgin before,”
I said, and not bashfully.

The doorman ushered us to an eleva-
tor, which rose to a small foyer. A second
doorman checked our names off a list.
My date paid the $150 membership
charge in cash. An attendant asked for
our clothes. “Everything but the under-
wear,” he said firmly. When we paused,
he reassured us that we could retrieve
condoms, lube or vibrators as often as we
pleased. It apparently didn't occur to
him that we might be hesitant about dis-
robing immediately upon entering an
apartment filled with strangers.

Murmuring voices filtered through
an open doorway. A curvy redhead in
five-inch stiletto heels and a Roman
headdress approached, holding a goblet
overflowing with condoms. One luscious

breast bobbled through the sheer red
chiffon of her toga. “Oooh, you are at-
tractive!” she said in a bedroom voice.
"Then she introduced herself as Palagia,
our hostess. “After you have gotten un-
dressed, I want to introduce you to some
other sexy guests.”

We stumbled out of our clothes, avoid-
ing eye contact. In exchange, the atten-
dant handed us each a wisp of chiffon—
our togas for the evening. About a dozen
couples turned to ogle us as we entered
the room. We ogled back. It was a good-
looking crowd, beautiful even. They
were sitting upright in twos, sipping wine
or martinis. The women wore lacy push-
up bras, garters and thongs. Most of the
men were in boxers. Some still wore their
expensive watches.

My date and I settled onto a fur-cov-
ered mattress on the floor. I already
knew that it's not easy to get a roomful of
first-timers to shift gears from polite con-
versation to full-on fucking, so I was in-
terested in seeing Palagia's technique.
Prior to the party she'd requested that.
all the guests submit their fantasies by
e-mail, and she was determined to put
them into action. "Strip!" she command-
ed one shy couple, and they did.

Within two hours 1 was sitting next to
a well-known local radio weatherman,
watching a couple fuck on the bed in
front of us. "She has a nice pussy," he
said softly. The woman to whom this tidy
package belonged bore a thrilling re-
semblance to Jennifer Love Hewitt and
was riding a blonde surfer dude for all
he was worth. Aroused by the compli-
ment, she gave the weatherman a smile,
tossed her head and came. A moment af-
ter she collapsed on surfer boy's chest in
exhaustion, a sculpted leg felt tentatively
for the floor. She tried to stand but was
wobbly; her legs buckled and she fell on-
to us. We made room. “Thanks,” she
said, her skin glowing with a ridiculously
sexy sheen.

At three A.M. things were still going
strong, the thick musk of sex filling the
apartment. I wasn't sure where my date
was, and 1 didn't really care. Palagia, in
a tiny thong, presided over the multi-
orgasmic creation, especially the seven
bodies writhing on the king-size bed
Red manicured fingertips reached out
from the pulsing tangle, grasped Pala-
gia’s wrist and pulled her in, making
room for one more.

An attractive couple had spent the en-
tire evening holding hands off to the
side of the action. She had long, straight
blonde hair and said she was an actress.
He owned an indie film production com-
pany. They had been dating for about
two years. She watched avidly as three
women fed one another strawberries
and undressed each other. She turned
and kissed her boyfriend, reaching a
hand briefly into his shorts. Soon they
stopped and went back to watching.
Other guests approached them, but they

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your request to

seemed content to watch. On the way
out she said they were going back to
their hotel, where they would most like-
ly have sex. Alone. “We like to talk dirty
and play out different sexual scenari
she said. "I think we saw enough tonight.
to keep us busy, don't you, honey?" They
exchanged a smile and left. I identified
with them. I was mostly a voyeur. The
thing was, 1 couldn't stop looking.

PARTY NATION

As adventurous and slightly bored
beautiful people search for the next big
thing, promoters have built a niche by
holding events where guests may share
fantasies but not act on them. Even so,
there is a huge market for these gather-

ings. Palagia has become the hostess of

OneLegUp, which stages exclusive soi-
rees for its members with names like
Eyes Wide Open and KamaSutra in New
York and Miami. OneLegUp plans to
expand to London, Athens and Rome
this year, and to launch a private-party
service—so you don't even have to leave
your house. Skin, produced by Michael
Veneziano, throws one-night parties in
upscale lounges and clubs across the
country. Skin is like Flirt—it's a starting
point. Veneziano is also the creator of
Fling, weekend-long events that take
over entire hotels, charging thoroughly
vetted couples $400 to mingle with like-
minded enthusiasts.

“I could fill any hotel three times over
if we weren't so selective," Veneziano
says. “It’s pretty amusing, really. I look
at the photographs these people submit
through my website and I'm like, "Uh-
oh! No, no, no, OK.’ Some are friendly-
looking people, but they're just not at-
tractive enough for a Fling party. I don’t
let anyone come to a Fling party who we
haven't personally met, hasn't been re-
ferred by another member or hasn't sub-
mitted their photos. Only one in five
who send in photos gets approved."

I've always had an active fantasy life,
and now I had a stockpile of erotic im-
ages to last me well into the future. But
I kept going back. The preparties, the
cocktails, the flirting—though I never
felt entirely comfortable, I ended up go-
ing to a late-night group-sex gathering
about once a month.

Sometimes I looked, sometimes I
touched, but I always came away with
another indelible image. One night, at
a white-lingerie party in a spacious Ti
beca penthouse, I met a petite, busty
brunette who I'll call Julie. She was 22,
had just graduated from art school and
hoped to fulfill a major fantasy: Julie
wanted to have sex with two men at once
and was determined to do it before she
fell in love “for real” and settled down.
Going through an online dating service,
where she used the nickname Sandwich
Filling, she met Jim, who agreed to help
her achieve her fantasy. Now Julie was
naked on all fours on a mattress. A

young man was kneeling behind her.
bracing her hips. She arched her back
and lowered her head. He entered her
and started thrusting gently. Her date,
Jim, had just finished giving another
woman an orgasm on a nearby couch.
When he spotted Julie kneeling, he got
up and removed his condom. Still stiff,
he approached Julie from the front and
she took him into her mouth. This was
their second date.

en minutes alter she swallowed and
her other partner pulled out, Julie was
ebullient. “It was great!” she said. “Bet-
ter than I had imagined. I'd like to keep
doing it, but the guys all seem pretty
tired.” It was 4:30 a.M. Sleepy myself, I
looked around. At every party you have
a fair share of dabblers, dedicated voy-
curs, women who want to explore other
women, couples who play but don't fuck
and couples who are ready for every-
thing. It’s like a bell curve of involve-
ment, and 1 had to decide where I fit in.
I had never quite relived the lovely sense
of anticipation I'd felt at the first Flirt
party and I hadn't had a real date in
months (you know, dinner-date-and-a-
movie—anything that didn't end with a
real-life reenactment of Caligula). Some-
thing had to give.

REQUIEM FOR A FANTASY

These thoughts were in the back of my
mind when I found myself in a hotel suite
one evening about six months after my
first orgy. Nothing fancy, no special cos-
tumes or atmosphere. I followed a cou-
ple as they fucked in all three rooms of
the suite. They started early—before the
rest of the guests even had a chance to
get comfortable. First he went down on
her on a rug in the middle of the living
room. A crowd of two dozen, still clothed
and sipping fresh cocktails, gathered to
gawk. Then she returned the favor by
the bar. Later, in the bedroom, as things
were heating up and a few other couples
frolicked, the pair got boisterous on a
chaise lounge. She moaned and laughed
loudly. He called her his “good little gir
Up slowly, down fast. Over and over.

When I pulled myself away, I ran into
Ashley and Seth, one of the couples I'd
met at my first Flirt party. They had just
returned from an event at a hotel in Mi-
ami, a weekend-long fuckfest for 300 se-
lect guests. The party started with cock-
tails on Thursday evening and peaked
on Saturday night with an orgy. The
group sex spread like an oil slick—it
started in a penthouse suite, then moved
into the halls and even worked its way
down to the lobby. The staff hung net-
ting along the street in case sex on the
balconies got out of control.

“1 was stunned by all the beautiful
women,” Ashley reported. “They looked
like they came straight out of a Holly-
wood premiere party. Everyone was hav-
ing sex with everyone. I looked down
from the balcony of the penthouse suite

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and saw five or six women having sex on
a terrace."

"It was out of control," Seth said. “One
guy got a blow job from three women by
the mineral pool. When they finally fin-
ished him off, the whole place erupted in
applause. There were a hundred people
clapping for this guy."

Ashley and Seth had once disdained
full swapping but had come back from
the weekend hotel sex party impressed
with “how advanced” the crowd was,
meaning how much beyond just girl-girl
and same-room play the action went.
“Some of these people have been doing
this for three, four years now,” she said

“It was a real eye-opener. We came home
thinking, Well, what's the big deal about
a full swap?”

Several couples I'd met in the begin-

ning of the year were now progressing to

“Some of these people
have been doing this for
three or four years now.”

full swaps. The women, after eating so
much pussy, were longing for cock—and
not their boyfriends’. And their men
were primed for sex. Real sex. These
couples were often arrogant about their
newfound sophistication, as if full swap-
ping put them above the newbie girl-
players and voyeurs.

In fact, Ashley and Seth were about
to full-swap with another couple right
then. I told myself 1 was watching to be
polite, but I'm not too sure about that.
Afterward, Ashley confessed that they
had been on a sex binge for the past two
weeks, and that she was looking forward
to some scheduled dental surgery be-
cause it would give them a chance to
rest. When a root canal is more appeal-
ing than sex, I thought, something has
gone wrong. That was my last orgy.

It felt good to be part of the in crowd
for a while. Everybody wants to be ac-
cepted as one of the cool kids. It was flat-
tering to be desired by such good-look-
ing people—with no agenda other than
pleasure. 1 got to see some incredibly
erotic, mesmerizing, alluring stuff—bod-
entwined in unimaginable configura-
tions, kissing, touching, wanting more.
In the end, however, I realized I didn't
want to become part of the weekend-sex-
retreat scene, to have group sex become
my defining lifestyle choice. Instead, I
was like most people who participate in
the new orgies—I had done it and en-
joyed it, but now I was getting back to
my real life. I went on dates and met a
guy. If my new boyfriend ever asks me
about my sexual exploits, I'll tell him.
And if he wants to experience an orgy
himself . . . 1 still have the right people's
phone numbers in my book.

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NATIONAL LEAGUE

(continued from page 92)
man than shortstop Jimmy Rollins, who
notched a tepid .306 OBP in 2002
Endgame: The Phillies are the boom-or-
bust team in baseball's most wide-open
division. We say bust

Маган LEAGUE Central

Houston Rstros

2002 in Review: 84-78, sec-
ond place. The Stros, no
doubt distracted by playing in
the stadium formerly known
as Enron Field, never made a serious

run at the Cardinals.

Pivotal Player: Despite playing in hit-
ter-friendly Minute Maid Park, Jeff Bag-
well batted .288 and .291 over the last
two seasons, which were his lowest aver-
ages since 1997.

X Factor: The Astros have never won a
postseason series

Outlook: Is this fantasy baseball? After
signing free-agent second baseman Jeff
Kent, the Astros will move 37-year-old
incumbent Craig Biggio to center and
Lance Berkman to left. Starters Roy
Oswalt (19-9) and Wade Miller (15-4)
are for real, but after that there's a steep
drop-off in talent.

Endgame: Kent moves to third by May,
and behind the division’s best pitching,
the Astros run away and hide.

Chicago Cubs
2002 in Review: 67-95, fifth.
It was another perfect sum-
mer in Chicago: ivy-covered
walls, day baseball, techni-

color hot dogs .
team.

Pivotal Player: Mark Prior is the best
pitching prospect the Cubs have had
since Greg Maddux.

X Factor: The Tribune Co., which owns
the Cubs, has always been more interest-
ed in money than in winning.

Outlook: Slugger Sammy Sosa is a stud,
but the rest of new manager Dusty Ba-
ker's roster is packed with overpriced vet-
erans and underachieving journeymen.
The real Chicago hope is young pitch-
ing. Joining Prior are finally healthy
fireballer Kerry Wood, 25, and his clone,
28-year-old Matt Clement.

Endgame: Baker leads this band of mis-
fits to wild card contention, while Sam-
my makes an MVP run.

. and a losing baseball

St. Louis Cardinals
2002 in Revi

: 97-65, first.
In June, days after the passing
of Cards broadcaster Jack
Buck, pitching ace Darryl Kile

was found dead. The Redbirds hung

tough, won the NL Central and elimi-
nated the defending champion D-backs
before losing to the Giants in the NLC:

Pivotal Player: Returning from injuries

and a Nuke LaLoosh-like bout of wild-

ness, lefty superprospect Rick Ankiel
could boost a depleted staff. Or give the
mascot a concussion.

X Factor: The last team to have a key

player die in midseason—the 1979

Yanks, who lost Thurman Munson—

went on to win 103 games and the divi-

sion the next year.

Outlook: The Cards will miss Kile in

more ways than one: With the departure

of Chuck Finley, 17-game winner Matt

Morris is the team's only proven starter.

"Let's put it this way: They're as real as the hair on your head.”

Endgame: The Cards start slow and
even a midseason injection of pitching
leaves them a distant third.

Cincinnati Reds

2002 in Review: 78-84, third.
C The Red machine exploded
off the starting line, going
16-9 in April and spending 51
consecutive days in first place. But down
the stretch they ran out of gas, finishing
19 games behind the Cards.
Pivotal Player: Ken Griffey Jr. has gone
from legend to laughingstock—.264. 8
homers, 23 RBI in 2002—since return-
ing to the site of Dad's glory days.
X Factor: Five of the seven NL teams to
get new stadiums since 1995 have made
the playofis. Great American Ballpark
opens this season.
Outlook: The Reds’ youth movement

continues: Shortstop Felipe Lopez will
force legend Barry Larkin to the bench,
and bopping outfielder Adam Dunn
could be a postmillennial Mark McGwire.
Endgame: Bob Boone's Reds played
over their heads in 2002. This year, they
finish fourth.

Pittsburgh Pirates
™ 2002 in Review: 72-89,
j fourth. Shiver me timbers,
mateys—the Pirates set a club
record with their tenth con-
secutive losing season.
Pivotal Player: With a 450 on-base per-
centage and a .622 slugging average,
Brian Giles trailed only Barry Bonds in
those crucial categories.
X Factor: In only the team’s second year
in PNC Park, Pittsburgh attendance
dropped by more than 679,000, throw-
ing a monkey wrench into owner Kevin
McClatchy's rebuilding plan.
Outlook: They've created plenty of work
for local moving companies in the off-
scason by dispatching journeymen like
Darren Lewis and Francisco Cordoya
and acquiring journeymen like Brian
Boehringer and Matt Stairs and signing
has-bcens like Reggie Saunders. But why?
Endgame: The only thing that's separat-
ing the Pirates from last place is the Mil-
waukee Brewers.

aukee Brewers
2002 in Review: 56-106, sixth.
Does this smell like team spir-
it? All-Star shortstop Jose Her-
nandez sat out eight of the
team's final 12 games in order to avoid
breaking Bobby Bonds' single-season
strikeout record.

votal Player: 24-year-old Ben Sheets
was 11-16 last year, but he has number-
one-starter stuff.

X Factor: Commissioner Bud Selig does
not own the team anymore—his daugh-
ter does.

Outlook: In a perfect world, the Brew-
ers—who have so far managed to ring

up 10 losing seasons in a row—would be
contracted this season.
Endgame: Dead fucking last.

N ATIONAL LEAGUE West

BEE Arizona Diamondbacks
2002 in Review: 98-64, first
place. Resplendent in purple
and teal, the Diamondbacks
won their third division title in

the franchise's five-year history. But

in the playoffs, Randy Johnson screwed
the pooch and the Backs were broomed
by the Cards.

Pivotal Player: Byung-Hyun Kim, who
has become onc of the game's top clos-
ers, may move to the stai

g rotation.
X Factor: Owner Jerry Colangelo mort-
gaged the Diamondbacks—literally—to
finance its World Series run. Payback
ime is looming.

The one-two punch of pitchers
Randy Johnson and Curt Schilling is not
only the best in bascball—it's arguably
the best in the history of baseball. But
Arizona's everyday lineup is aging and
the rest of the pitchers can't break .500
with the highest-scoring team in the NL
behind them.
Endgame: If the dynamic duo stays
healthy, the Diamondbacks will three-
peat in this division

San Francisco Giants
2002 in Review: 95-66, sec-

ond, NL wild card. A season
aedi". began with Jeff Kent
breaking his wrist while (wink,

wink) washing his truck and Kent and
Barry Bonds slugging it out on national
TV ended with the Giants holding a
three-games-to-two lead in the World
Series, a 5-0 lead in the seventh inning
and then, well, you know the res
Pivotal Player: Infield import Edgardo
Alfonzo is a solid hitter and a good glove
man, and he carries the name Fonzie
better than Henry Winkler.

X Factor: Manager Felipe Alou ended
his run in Montreal with five consecutive
losing seasons.

Outlook: Bonds won't miss the dearly
departed Jeff Kent, but the rest of the of-
fense will. A bigger loss is manager Dusty
Baker, who could take the Wu-Tang Clan
to the playoffs.

Endgame: Bonds will continue to assault
the record books, but under Alou the Gi-
ants will slide to a not-close second place,
short of the wild card.

Los fingeles Dodgers

2002 in Review: 92-70, third.
LA flirted with the pennant
race through the summer. On
September 3, the Dodgers
games ahead of the Giants in
d card race, but they went 11-13
down the stretch to finish third for the

fourth time in five years.
Pivotal Player: Outfielder Shawn Green
has hit 91 homers and driven in 239
runs in the past two seasons.

X Factor: Rupert Murdoch is reportedly
considering selling the Dodgers, which
will likely affect his willingness to pump
cash into a pennant race.

Outlook: The Dodgers have always got
ten it done with great pitching, but the
staff of Hideo Nomo and Odalis Perez
won't make anyone forget Sandy Koufax
and Don Drysdale. Hundred Million
Dollar Man Kevin Brown has been on
the DL five times since the beginning of
the 2001 season, but closer Eric Gagne is
the real deal with a 1.97 ERA.
Endgame: Third place—where else?

San Diego Padre:

Only four years removed
from the World Series, the Pa-
dres slogged through anoth-
er rebuilding year.

Pivotal Player: Closer Trevor Hoffman
has notched at least 37 saves for seven
years in a row, but shoulder surgery will
keep him out until after the break. That,
of course, prevents the Pads from using
him as trade bait.

X Factor: Manager Bruce Bochy, who
led San Diego to the 1998 World Series,
might be the most underrated skipper
in the majors.

Outlook: The Padres will have more suc-
cess against PETA, which is kvetching
about the team's stadium-naming deal
with Petco, than against the rest of the
NL. But the barely legal pitching tan-
dem of Oliver Perez and Jake Peavy pro-
vide reasons for hope.

Endgame: Well, the weather is nice.
Fourth place.

Colorado Rockies
2002 in Review: 73-89,
fourth. Mountain air, baseballs
in the humidor and another
season of 12-10 games at the
freakiest stadium in baseball, dude.
Pivotal Player: Slugger Todd Helton hit
.378 at home, but only .280 elsewhere.
That's why God made no-trade clauses.
X Factor: High-altitude Coors Field al-
ready has one of the most spacious out-
fields in the majors, so it's impractical
to move the fences back to cut down on
the long balls.

Outlook: Veteran pitchers hate Denver's
high altitude, where curveballs don't
curve and fly balls take off like 737s, so
the Rockies have shifted gears once again,
dumping high-priced Mike Hampton
and rebuilding with resilient rookies and
journeymen accustomed to 45-minute,
five-run innings.

Endgame: Lots of runs, not many wins,
and the Rocks finish last.

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156

Below is a list of retailers
and manufacturers you can
contact for information on
where to find this month's
merchandise. To buy the ap-
parel and equipment shoun
on pages 32, 33, 43-44,
108-110, 112-117, 118-
119 and 163, check the lisi-
ings below to find the stores
nearest you.

MUSIC
Page 32: AFI, dreamworks.com. Al-
pinestars, astralwerks.com. Aphex Tivin,
warprecords.com. Baptist Generals,
subpop.com. James Chance, ügerstyle
records.com. Harry Choates, www.
bear-family.de. Cobra Verde, muscle
tonerecords.com. Adam Hebert, swal
lowpublications.com. Lothars, wobbly
music.com. Music, hollywoodand
vine.com. Sole, anticon.com. Songs:
Ohia, secretlycanadian.com. Thermals,
subpop.com. Lucinda Williams, lost
highwayrecords.com. Zwan, reprise
rec.com.

GAMES

Page 33: Dreamcatcher, 416-638-5000
or dreamcatchergames.com. Gather-
ing, 800-211-6504 or gathering.com.
Konami, konami.com. MindFX Science,
mind-fx.com. Nintendo, 800-255-3700
or nintendo.com. Sierra, 877-446-
0184 or sierra.com.

MANTRACK
Pages 43-44: Garmin, garmin.com.
Nissan, infinitinews.com. Red Lounge,
2106 Frankfort Ave., Louisville,
KY, 502-896-6116. Trafalgar Square,
800-423-4525 or trafalgarsquare
books.com.

ROAD WARRIORS
Pages 108-110: BMW, bmwmotorcy-
cles.com. Honda, honda.com. Yamaha,

800-889-2624 or yama
ha.com.

MIXED DOUBLES
Pages 112-117: Joseph
Abboud, 219-586-9140.
Ted Baker, 212-343-8989.
Belvest, belvest.com, at
Louis Boston, 617-262-
6100, at Scoot Hill, 310-
777-1190, at Stanley
Korshak, 212-871-3600.
Caribbean Joe, 212-869-
5110. Roberto Cavalli, robertocavalli.
net. From Circle by Mara Hoffman, cir
debymarahofiman.com. Dolce & Gab-
bana, dolcegabbana.it. Dunhill, dun
hill.com. Salvatore Ferragamo, salva
toreferragamo.it. Gani, gant.com.
Hugo Boss, 800-HUGo-Boss. Elisa
Jimenez, at Chroma, 305-695-8808, at
Naked, 323-964-0222, at Kirna Za-
bete, kirnazabete.com, at 4510, 214-
559-4510. Olga Kapustina, 917-327-
9243. Kiton, kiton.it. Calvin Klein,
800-294-7978. Thierry Mugler, thierry
mugler.com. Nat Nast, natnast.com.
Via Nicci, vianicci.com. Stuart Weitz-
man, stuartweitzman.com.

WET WORK

Pages 118-119 Beretta Gallery, beretta
usa.com. Coach, coach.com. Cole-Haan,
colehaan.com. Dunhill, dunhill.com.
Churka, ghurka.com. Kangol, kangol.
com. Kenneth Cole, 800-KEN-COLE. Le
Chameau, 800-514-4807. Poke Pano,
pokopano.com.br. Stone Island, stone
island.com. Weatherproof, 212-564-
2486. Stuart Weitzman, stuartweitz
man.com.

ON THE SCENE

Page 163: Motorola, 800-331-6456 or
motorola.com. Nokia, nokia.com.
Samsung, samsungusa.com/wircless.
Sanyo, sanyowireless.com.

BY LANE W, MAKEUP BY HEATHER CURRIE, HAIR BY BERTRANO W. COVER MODEL. TONNIE WILSON, FHOTOGRA-

AMERICAN LEAGUE

(continued from page 91)

AL Central

Chicago White Бок
2002 in Review: 81-81, sec-
ond place. A win. A loss. A win.
A loss. Two wins. Two losses.
And so on. Yawn.

Pivotal Player: A victim of Cecil Fielder
Syndrome, former MVP Frank Thomas
has morphed from the Big Hurt into the
Big Slob: .252 average doesn't even
approach his weight.

X Factor: Owner Jerry Reinsdorf is the
owner who built—and destroyed—the
Chicago Bulls. Discuss

Outlook: With the acquisition of 20-
game winner Bartolo Colon, the White
Sox are making a bid to become the AL's
answer to the Diamondbacks. Starter
Mark Buehrle (39-21 carcer) has a Hall
of Fame future. Erratic closer Billy Koch
is a more questionable addition
Endgame: The pitching-rich White Sox
will improve by a dozen games and take
the Central Division,

Minnesota Twins
2002 in Review: 94-67, first.
“Ce ct this.” That's what
said to the commis-
sioner after they won their di-
vision and reached the ALCS.

ivotal Player: 27-year-old Gold Glover
‘Torii Hunter enjoyed a career year with
29 homers, 94 RBI, 23 steals and a .289
batting average.

X Factor: The Twins have one of the best
farm systems in baseball, so help could
be a phone call aw:
Outlook: The Twins are looking to im-
prove for the fifth consecutive year, a
near miracle in the majors. But none of
their starters scored or drove in 100
runs, hit 30 homers or hit over .300 last
season. Ominoı is.

Endgame: The overachieving Twins
won with smoke and mirrors last year.
but the smoke clears and the mirrors
crack this summer. See ya, wild card.

Cleveland Indians

2002 in Review: 74-88, third.
After a decade of contention,
the Indians dumped their vet-
erans and shifted midseason
into rebuilding mode

Pivotal Player: С.С. Sabathia, a 67^
man-child, hits 98 on the radar gun, but
strikeouts declined from 8.5 to 6.4 Ks
per nine innings pitched, while his rec-
ord slipped from 17-5 to 13-11.

X Factor: Attendance at Jacobs Field
dropped by 558,000 last year. What clse
is there to do in Clevela nyway?
Outlook: This seaso be will go
younger than Roman Polanski. Omar
Vizquel is the only holdover from the

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championship run, and even he might
be pushed by 21-year-old second base-
man Brandon Phillips.

Endgame: The Indians have a plan. Just
not for this year

Detroit Tigers
2002 in Review: 55-106, fifth.
Another lost summer—the
last time the Tigers cracked
.500, Sparky Anderson was
the manager and Kirk Gibson was limp-
ing around the bases. No wonder Hall of
Fame broadcaster Ernie Harwell retired.
Pivotal Player: None.

X Factor: Pizza mogul Mike Ilitch, who
also owns the Stanley Cup-champion
Red Wings, considers the Tigers an ugly
stepchild. Can you blame him?
Outlook: Bleak. Sensing that trying to
tweak this lineup is like putting a tuxe-
do on a corpse, general manager Dave
Dombrowski traded away the team’s best
pitcher, Mark Redman.

Endgame: The Tigers will be rebuilding
until Flint, Michigan becomes the Paris
of the Midwest.

Kansas City Royals

Proving that stupidity is a

powerful force than poverty,

the minimarket Royals tossed
more than $6 million at Chuck Knob-
lauch and Neifi Perez, arguably the
worst position players in the majors.
Pivotal Player: Mike Sweeney almost
won a batting title last year, but the five-
year contract extension he signed last
spring has a loophole that allows him to
become a free agent if the Royals don't
break .500 in 2003 or 2004.
X Factor: Center fielder Carlos Beltran
an emerging star, but has already threat-
ened to test free agency after the 2004

season, so he could be dealt.
Outlook: Alms for the poor. With no
money and no brains but some talent,
the Royals will again spend the summer
kvetching about their budget. The dust
bowl of a farm system won't help.
Endgame: Surrender, Dorothy! Last.

American LEAGUE West
[a]

Oakland Athletics
2002 in Review: 103-59, first
place. Alter a May swoon that
seemed to leave them deader
than Ted Williams, Oakland
won 78 of their last 109 games—that’s
716 baseball, friends—to win the di
sion. Then they were shocked in five by
the Twins in the division series

Pivotal Player: ‘The A's are hoping that
25-year-old third baseman Eric Chavez
(34 HR, 109 RBI) can follow in the foot-
steps of previous As MVP Jason Giambi.
X Factor: Oakland's Network Associates
Coliseum may be old and ugly, but it's
one of the best pitchers’ parks.

Outlook: Don't play poker with Oakland
general manager Billy Beane—he's
starting out with three aces. His staff of
Cy Young Award winner Barry Zito, Tim
Hudson and Mark Mulder is the envy
of all of baseball, and he has them all
signed through 2005.

Endgame: New manager Ken Macha
makes like Joe Torre, winning it all in his
first year on the job.

Texas Rangers
2002 in Review: 72-90,
fourth. Last year Alex Ro-
driguez was the best player in
the AL, but the Rangers fin-
ed last anyw
Pivotal Playe

Laugh at the Viagra

commercials if you must, but Rafael
meiro should earn his ticket to С;
town this summer when he hits
home run.

X Factor: Buck Showalter brought both
the Yankees and the Diamondbacks into
contention, and got ousted the year be-
fore each team won the World Series.
Outlook: GM John Hart cleaned shop in
the off-season: He said adios to punch-
line players like Hideki Irabu, John
Rocker and Kenny Rogers, and hello to
closer Ugueth Urbina. New manager
Buck Showalter makes Alan Greenspan

look relaxed, but his sweat-the-details
approach gets results.

Endgame: The Rangers keep pace with
the A's into August and challenge for the
wild card.

Anaheim Angels
2002 in Review: 99-63, sec-
ond. The Halos won a wild
card. made a deal with Satan
and pulled a Lazarus in the
World Series.

Pivotal Player: Francisco Rodriguez, 21,
has a career regular season ERA of 0.00;
in his postseason deb party he looked
like a young Mariano Rivera.

X Factor: Since 1980, only two teams

Outlook: U t wild card world
champs—the 1997 Marlins—the Angels
won't have any trouble keeping the team
together. They will have trouble repeat-
ing. Regulars like Darin Erstad, Adam
Kennedy and Garret Anderson benefit-
ed from manager Mike Scioscia's swing-
at-everything ethos, but it's not a long-
term recipe for success.

Endgame: Put away those phallic Thun-
derStix—no playoffs this year.

Seattle Mariners
2002 in Review: 93-69, third.
The Mariners were 23 games
worse than 2001 and still re-
mained in playoff contention
nallest, toughest division.
Pivotal Player: Ichiro Suzuki's batting
average dropped from .350 to .321, but
by more than doubling his walk total, he
increased his on-base percentage.

X Factor: Beware, Bob Melvin: The
Mariners have never won more than 83
games for any manager besides depart-
ed skipper Lou Piniella.

Outlook: During their 1 16-win season in
2001, the Mariners depended 100 much
on vets like ancient Mariner Jamie Moy-
er and the overachieving Bret Boone
Their best starter, 26-year-old Freddy
Garcia, backslid in every important cate-
gory last year:

Endgame: The Mariners may be the
last-place team in baseball history.

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CHALLENGING TERRAIN

PLAYBOY SCRAMBLE
Lake Tahoe Regional
May 18—19, 2003

Hosted by Harrah’s/Harveys Lake Tahoe

Savor the “WILDLIFE”
Tahoe, this exciting regional event includes golf and Birdies, Eagles, and Bunnies!
The two-day event kicks off on Sunday night with a

Hosted by Harrah's and Harveys of South Lake

Dreams can come true ...
this Moy 18th and 19th when the world's most Я
exciting golf tournament takes place іп one of the lodging packages ot an unbelievable rate. You'll
most scenic locales, beautiful Lake Tahoe. Open to meet the Playmates, party with the Girls of Golf, ^ pre-tournament Girls of Golf party hosted by the
all amateurs, the Playboy Scramble is о four-person compete for prizes, be wined and dined in a way Playboy Playmates. The golf tournament will be held
Team event with each team competing to go to thot is usually reserved for special VIP's. on Monday ot the scenic ord challenging Sierra
the и ушп los e mi then ig ү! Club followed by а sumptuous m
advancing forward to the National Finals in Los ick at the Casinos. So don’t wait to get in on fl
Angeles, complete with gala 19th hole parties Harrahs HRRVESS action - the special Scramble handicap system evens
at the fomed Playboy Mansion. LAKE TAHOE the field ond gives everyone a chance to win.
GO TO WWW.PLAYBOYSCRAMBLE.COM FOR MORE INFORMATION

AND TO REGISTER, OR CALL 1-866-521-4052

2003 © Poio. Мей, Ployboy Sacri, obi Peod Dese ud Golf ond Fio Morsa ore ade Plo ond ae ved under ins. Poo Sucre Gals paced by LO, LC

PLATT

Lindsey Vuolo is a model for
Doc's Harley-Davidson, but has

she ever roared down the open ;

highway on a hog?
back, but I've nev-

one," Lindsey says.
"That's not for lack
of trying—she re-
cendy brought a
friend's bike home
10 practice, until
her mother blew a
gasket. "She goes,
"Not while you
are living in this

house! You have three hours to =

get rid of it," Lindsey reports

Now that she's back at college :

(mom stayed at home), Lindsey
is planning to get her motorcycle
license and buy a

VRSC V-Rod. "I
love Harleys," she
says. "A biker girl
is just the sexiest
thing. People who
think only men can
ride are full of it.
I've met short,
100-pound wom-
en who are tear-
ing it up. I can't
wait to hit the
road." For more

“Гуе been on the :

er actually driven. |

“1 never thought sleeping
with two women would save
my life," says Playboy X-Treme
‘Team captain Danelle Folta,
who, with pals Kalin Olson
and rie Yazel, entered the
team's second Challenge,
this time in Fiji. This treach-
erous race combines moun-
tain biking, canyoneering
and more and can last up
to 12 days. During the rac
Danelle fell terribly ill. *

were hundreds of miles from
humanity. I was unconscious

20 YEARS AGO THIS MONTH

On her May 1983 Playmate
Data Sheet, Susie Scott as-
pired “to be

the Mercy and
Sharing Foun-
dation for un-
derprivileged
kids. “The
Press goes,
"There's a
Playmate do-
ing charity
work in Hai-
uf” she:

“The attention Suse Scot
brings in contributions.”

“At least I won something.
It he doesn't like my style, let
him send me something. I'm
open to anything." n

“I'm having fun teaching
Sunday school. It's wonder-

pictures of the
sexy speed rac-
er, goto docshar
leydavidson.com

and shivering. If not for the warmth of my team- | | так a diferente an
mates’ bodi 1 would have died." Now they're in ¿ kids’ lives.” n

training for Eco 2003. Did the team finish? Find out
in May when the USA network airs the competition

CAMERA LENZ

"Modeling is my passion, but if Paris and Milan don't call, I'll settle for a film career,”
says Nicole Lenz, who was clearly born to mug. Left to right: Nicole, a friend and best
pal Poris Hilton at a Pony bash in Los Angeles. Hanging on the West Coast: Nicole with
Miss August 2000 Summer Altice. Working the red carpet at the Sapphire grand open-
ing. Connected at the hip, part two: With Paris at a Motorola shindig. Strutting down
the catwalk during a Frederick’s of Hollywood lingerie fashion show.

May 7: Miss January 1972
Marilyn Cole

May 11: Miss May 1988
Diana Lee

May 14: Miss February 1970
Linda Forsythe

May 28: Miss April 1975
Victoria Cunningham

May 30: Miss July 1982
Lynda Wiesmeier

WANT TO PLAY

WITH DALENE?

те AN You may never date Da-
4 lene Kurtis, but that doesn't
j| mean yav can't hong with

her. This 16-inch doll costs

$50 at Ployboystore.com.

POP QUESTIONS:
LEXIE KARLSEN

Unlucky in love?
Check out Alexan-
dria Karlsen's new
book, The Divorced
Guy's Guide to Dating.

Q: Lexie, what in
spired you to write a
dating guide?

A: Aside from my
love of writing, I saw
a tremendous need
for it. There are many books on dat-
ing, but there's nothing giving advice
to men who need a little brush-up.

Q: Ever date a divorced guy?

A: Yes, many. I've found myself
thinking, These are great guys, but
for whatever reason, the relationships
didn't work out.

MY FAVORITE PLAYMATE

“My favorite is Anna
Nicole Smith—she's

so incredibly female.

There’s a lot to ap-

preciate. If I were

dating a guy who

said he liked her, I'd

take that to mean he

would like to roam

the valleys of her hips. He's not
afraid to go on that journey.”

A MOMENT IN THE LIFE: JAIME BERGMAN

As the mare gorgeous half of a Hallywaod couple, Jaime Bergman hos discovered thor
even a trip to her husband's hockey game wan't go unnoticed by the paparazzi, Pho-
togs spatted Joime, David (Angel) Boreanaz and their son Jaden in Los Angeles, and
the phatos were so endearing that we had to shore, "Jaden already

has a tiny helmet and jersey,” Jaime says. All together now, Awww.

LAYMATE GO:

Don't be fooled by Chicago na-

tive Serria Tawan’s sexpot im-
age. "I'm the most non-
sekta] persona My А
group of friends," she |

says. .. . Look for Hei- /

di Mark as John Ritter's

wife in the flick Man of ">

the Year. . .. Shae Marks —
has appeared in the movie Love
Stinks and on the TV series Black
Scorpion, but has she ever worked
with someone she refuses to
work with again?

“Oh, yes,” she

says. "But I will

not be airing any

of my dirty laun-

dry here. To talk

about her would

only feed her

enormous ego.

Maybe then it

would match

her enormous

ass.” Meow! . - .

Danelle Folta

(see story on

page 159) was

profiled in Sports (по? blue Skyy.
Illustrated and

took part in the Aspen X Games
with Cara Wakelin and Deanna
Brooks. . . . From the booze
babes department: Cara lobbies
for Molson beer, Charis Boyle
shills for Miller Lite and Irina
Voronina (pictured, in white)
puts the sexy in Skyy vodka
ads. . . . It’s getting hot in here:
Jennifer Walcott, Neferteri
Shepherd and Nicole Narain ap-
pear in a video for Nelly and
Justin Timberlake that was shot
at the Mansion. The guys wear
PJs and Hef makes a cameo. Jen-
nifer interviews Shaggy on sexn
rocknroll.com. . . . What (besides
corny jokes) revs up Jay Leno's
engine? The Dahm triplets, who
hung out with Jay at the Love
Ride 19 in Los Angeles.

The Dohms rev up Joy Leno

©

see them all in the

cubere ^f club.

"s oo com/join/0503

y TV just got
> lot sexier
Twelve of the world’s sexiest women
they primped
they partied

they posed
and now they're anxious.

Only one can win!

You're invited!
Catch Playboy's biggest party
with the year’s hottest,

most beautiful women.

Party down with Dalene Kurtis,
last year's PMOY, as she
relinquishes her title.

And join in

when Hef unveils

Playboy's sexiest secret -

the 2003 Playmate of the Year!

PREMIERES TUESDAY,
APRIL 29, рм ET/10pm PT

For program information go to Г "Җи, É
playboytv.com M. Y
Playboy TV is available from your local re
cable television operator or home satellite
provider in the U.S. and Canada. PLAYBOY TV

Сз Playboy Entertainment Group, Ine. Al rights r

the

scene

WHAT'S HAPPENING, WHERE IT'S HAPPENING AND WHO'S MAKING IT HAPPEN

—— POINT-AND-SHOOT CELL PHONES——

he hot trend in cell phones is built-in or attachable cameras
that snap and send photos to another phone or an e-mail
address. Is this a way to make cell phone use even more ob-
noxious? You bet, but no more so than your theme from Ti-
tanic ring tone. While these cell phone-camera combos can't
compete with your multimegapixel digital camera (since most offer

| >

Above: Nokia's 3650 is the only cell phone
capable of capturing and sending both pho-
tos and video clips (about $400). It's perfect
for homemade cheesecake videos—all you
need is the girl. Right: The clamshell Sam-
sung SGH-v205 can store up to 100 images
taken with the b camera. Attach pho-
tographs of your friends to their names for a
visual caller ID (about $400).

ON PAGE 136.

a mediocre 640x480 resolution), the shots are suitable for taunt-
ing a friend with an image of the woman you just met at a club
while he puts in overtime. Also, most models can assign pictures to
pop up with a corresponding name as a visual caller ID, which is
a great feature if you have trouble remembering the names of your
various girlfriends. JASON BUHRMESTER.

Left: Attach Motorola’s digital
camera accessory to the com-
pany's T720i cell phone to snap
photos of bowling team victo-
ries, bachelor parties and oth-
er memorable events (about
$250). Below: Sanyo's SCP-5300
is the only phone with built-i
flash and 16x zoom ($400).

Mie rapevine

More Than

Heaven Allows
JESSICA BIEL moves away

from her saintly 7th

Heaven character in

the Texas Chain-
saw Massacre

remake.

Wilder Kingdom

Endangered species: PATRICIA PFAELTZER's environmental
documentary, The Most Dangerous Animal, has put her
modeling and acting career on hold. Our loss.

Holding

On to a

Good Thing
GEORGE LOPEZ and
CONSTANCE MARIE
celebrate the success
of their TV sitcom.
You can find him on
tour now before sea-
son two kicks in.

Winona Gets a Grip
WINONA RYDER has divided her time
between community service, designer
Marc Jacobs’ spring-summer ad cam-
paign and a part in Eulogy, co-starring
Ray Romano. Looks to us like she’s
holding up just fine.

Snake Bit

Model-actress ELENA knows how to slither
down a red carpet. Here, she shows off her
asps at a movie premiere.

On the Fringe
Actress JENNIFER
YOUNG gives back.
The model, dancer and
cable TV host can soon
be seen in the movie
thriller Hey Mr. DJ. We
say, Hey, Jennifer.

Closer
Look at
Eve

Rapper EVE
is fini

and you'll |
find her in a |
UPN sitcom |
as a fashion

designer

next fall.

BNo:ipourric.

RD

LISTEN AND EARN

Ifyou were too busy flipping burgers to
read the best-seller Rich Dad Poor Dad, you
can still get the scoop from the filthy rich.
Time Warner Audio Books’ new Rich Dad
series reveals money-hoarding tax loop-
holes from Diane Kennedy, CPA, and

real estate strategies from Dolf De Roos, a
Ph.D. who claims he's never received a salary
in his life. The price: $24.98 each for three
hours of information on CD.

HOT FLASH
17 Clothing displayed
its latest naughty offerings
at the Adult
Video News
Convention
Y in Las Vegas
not long ago,
and the booth
got almost as
= much action as
CONS Bar, WW the porn stars.
ud + The Second Base
camisole and
Home Run thong
set pictured here was a hot
seller, so were shirts that
read Mount and Do Me
and Slippery When Wet.
Anna Nicole Smith is a
customer—she's been
spotted wearing NC17's
Go-Away, No Stalking
Anytime top on her show.
It worked! Cami-and-
thong sets are $34.95. Or-
der from aliclothing.com.

SCENT OF A HAREM

If the little ball below looks familiar, that's
because it's made from bois de mogador, the
Moroccan wood that's in your Rolls-Royce and
your neighbor's Jaguar. The container is a
scent difluser filled with an exotic blend of san-
dalwood, cedar and burlwood. Put it near a
heat source and your bedroom will smell like a
sheik's tent—minus the camel. Price: $95, from
Maitre Parfumeur et Gantier at 877-348-6444.

HURL 'EM HIGH

Scream is the name of the new coaster ride at the Six Flags Magic
Mountain Xtreme Park outside Los Angeles. It has no floor, no
track overhead and no coach around the seats. Ride it
you've had no lunch. The innovative design hurtles thrill junkies
through seven 360-degree inversions that include a 128-foot ver-
tical loop, a zero-gravity roll, a cobra roll (that’s two

eed horizontal loop helix and a 96-foot dive loop

n climbs the loop on the outside, then rolls underneath

k across the top of the loop and dives down the inside.
Whoa, we got woozy just writing that.

HOAGY WITH EVERYTHING

Hoagy Carmichael may be overshadowed
by other iconic crooners, but Old Blue
Eyes never composed timeless tunes like
Stardust and The Nearness of You. Get a
crash course in cool at Hoagy.com, which
offers audio of the man’s music, a bio,
CDs, books and more. The website was
created by Hoagy Carmichael Jr., presi-

WHO SAID POLAND
IS CHEAP?

Premium vodkas are selling for
$30, but Ultimat, a new 80 proof
entry from Poland, costs about
$55 a bottle. Of course, Ultimat
is special—three different vod-

dent of Hoagy & Bix Co. Yes, that’s cor-
net player Bix Beiderbecke, considered
to be jazz’ first great lyricist.

kas made from potatoes, wheat
and rye blended for body,
smoothness, flavor and com-
plexity. (Ultimat claims to be the
first vodka on the market to use
such a process.) The bottle is a
handcrafted crystal decanter
that you won't want to toss in
the trash. Ultimat has also introduced a black cherry vodka. Go to
ultimatvodka.com for more information and where you can buy it.

RADIO GA-GA

Audiophiles swear by Boston Acoustics,
the Massachusetts company with a rep
for making stereo speakers that rock.
Now BA has created the AM-FM Re-
cepter Radio, incorporating Precision
Phase Lock Loop circuitry that pulls in
weak FM stations while delivering excep-
tional sound. Snooze, sleep and alarm
functions are included in this $159 bar-
gain. Go to bostonacoustics.com to order.

DUCTS UNLIMITED

We know duct tape can do just about anything, but we never
considered holding our money with the silver sticky stuff. Then
Ducti's Super Duct Tape wallets hit the club scene. The Classic
is a bifold with steel grommets ($20). Our favorite, the Barhop-
per (pictured here, $15), travels light, with room for an ID, a
couple of credit cards and cash. To order, go to ducti.com

A NEW WAY TO GET BLITZED

Sorry, X Gamers. Your too-cool
world has just been invaded by a
mint company that assumes
you'll need an extreme flavor
boost after a hard day of defying
gravity. Blitz Stoked Power
Mints (priced around $1.60)
come in Green Apple, Berry
Blast and Fruit Frenzy flavors
and are sweetened with sugar
less Splenda. But don't worry,
you'll lose your teeth the old-
fashioned way—with a face-
plant into a curb. If the flavors
of Blitz Stoked Power Mints are
more than you can handle,
dude, there are also Blitz Power
Mints, which are a milder ver-
sion of their radical cousin

BNext Month

SURFS UP

PLAYMATE OF THE YEAR—WE KICKED OFF 2002 WITH TAT-
TOOED LOOKER NICOLE NARAIN AND ENDED WITH LANI
TODD, A BLONDE BOMBSHELL. THERE WERE 10 GORGEOUS
LADIES IN BETWEEN. WHO WILL BE THE PMOY 2003? ONE
HINT: THE CHOSEN ONE LOOKS GREAT NAKED

MIKE PIAZZA—THE NEW YORK METS SLUGGER AND BEST-
HITTING CATCHER IN BASEBALL HISTORY SOUNDS OFF ON
MONEY, POWER AND SEX—PLUS GETTING BEANED BY ROGER
CLEMENS, PLAYING DRUMS WITH ANTHRAX, SLEEPING WITH
TARANTULAS AND, YES, "THE GAY THING." A HARD-HITTING
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW BY KEVIN COOK

WEIRD SEXUAL SCIENCE —THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR THOUGHT
HE HAD SEEN IT ALL. WHEN HE DUSTED OFF A STACK OF OFF-
BEAT MEDICAL JOURNALS. HE DISCOVERED BIZARRE SEX
STUDIES, INCLUDING HOW PORCUPINES DO IT, THE BENEFITS
OF 24-HOUR NUDE GROUP THERAPY AND WHETHER DIPPING
YOUR BALLS IN FREEZING WATER WILL CHANGE YOUR REC-
TAL TEMPERATURE. THERE'S NOTHING QUITE LIKE EXPERI-
MENTAL SEX. BY CHIP ROWE

200: NELLY—HE WENT FROM WORKING AT MCDONALD'S TO
ENCOURAGING WOMEN TO TAKE OFF ALL THEIR CLOTHES
IN A MEGAHIT SONG. ROBERT CRANE GETS THE LOWDOWN
ON HUMMERS (THE CARS, PERV), LUSTING AFTER HALLE
BERRY, BEING INDEBTED TO BARRY WHITE, WHY SEX TALK
IS CHEAP AND THE BEAUTY OF A WOMAN'S CLOTHING .
ON THE BEDROOM FLOOR

WHO'S THE PLAYMATE OF THE YEAR?

GOODNIGHT GUN—CHILDREN AND FIREARMS DONT MIX
THERE'S NOW A GENRE OF KID LIT TO DRIVE THE MESSAGE
HOME. SHOULD CHILDREN'S AUTHORS BE HANDLING THIS?
DANIEL RADOSH GIVES THE BOOKS A SHOT

SEX AND RELIGION—WHETHER YOU'RE BUDDHIST, HINDU,
JEWISH, CHRISTIAN, MUSLIM OR SOMETHING ELSE, YOUR RE-
LIGION HAS STRONG RULES REGARDING GETTING IT ON.
HOW EACH INSTITUTION FEELS ABOUT PREMARITAL SEX.
MASTURBATION, INFIDELITY, CONTRACEPTION AND ABOR-
TION. YOU'LL BE SURPRISED. BY JOHN D. THOMAS

TUBA CITY—THE KID WAS A SOUTHPAW, LARGE AND LUM-
BERING AND A BIT OVERWEIGHT. HIS NICKNAME WAS SHOE.
ONE DAY HE DID SOMETHING NO ONE HAD EVER SEEN IN
BASEBALL. IT WAS SOMETHING THAT COULD TURN THE GAME
INSIDE OUT. FICTION BY JOSEPH KIERLAND

AMERICA THE BREWFUL—WE LOVE BEER, AND NOT JUST
FOR THE OBVIOUS REASONS, OUR ROUNDUP INCLUDES ODD-
BALL BREWS FROM AROUND THE COUNTRY, LITTLE-KNOWN
RECIPES AND WHY BEER IS ACTUALLY GOOD FOR YOUR
HEALTH. WE'RE THIRSTY ALREADY

PLUS: A HOT SUMMER MOVIE PREVIEW, BABE OF THE MONTH
CHARLOTTE AYANNA, DALE EARNHARDT JR. PHOTO-
GRAPHS THE DAHM TRIPLETS, IN BED WITH PLAYMATE
CATHY ST. GEORGE, SKATE AND SURF FASHION, NOT-SO-
CHEAP SUNGLASSES AND MISS JUNE, TAILOR JAMES