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The Five Nastiest
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The Best a Man Can Get”

"The writer's life can be a little isolating and a lot maddening,” says Simon Dumenco, author of War of the Words, a look
at notable—and hate-filled—feuds between seemingly buttoned-down media figures. Tom Wolfe, best-selling author of
The Bonlire of ihe Vanities and A Man in Full, found himself under attack from a group Wolfe calls the Three Stooges: John
Irving, John Updike and Norman Mailer. Wolfe knows such feuds aren't new: "There was a famous fistfight between
Ernest Hemingway and Max Eastman—and they're both these great big guys," he says. "It was in editor Maxwell
Perkins' office. The fight had a great reputation until Perkins' letters were published and he described how these two guys
went at each other and after 20 seconds were totally out of breath, collapsed on the floor panting."

Photographer Antoine Verglas
gained fame shooting super-
models in their most intimate
moments. But even he got
goose bumps about this
month's fashion feature, The
New Playboy. “This shoot was
all about excitement,” says Ver-
glas. "We were doing it at the
Playboy Mansion! It was my
first time there, and it's always
been a fantasy for me—for any
man. It also made me want to
present the fashion in a sexy
way." Verglas loved the Man-
Sion. “It's so much bigger than
| had anticipated. The land, all
the animals—you don't expect
that in the middle of LA. It's like
Disneyland with women.”

Foxy is the latest designer sex
drug to storm the underground
club scene. After trying it for
Sex on the Edge, Heather
Caldwell thinks it's the real
deal. "It was fun." she says. "It's
an amazingly interesting aphro-
disiac—most of the women |
know who have taken it feel like
the hottest chick ever. One said
she felt like a porn star with
magical powers. | felt like that,
too." Still, she doesn't plan to
take it again. "I don't want to
press my luck," she says. "I'm
Still paranoid that I'm going to
come down with some bizarre
symptoms or nerve damage."

Lisa Marie Presley waited until
now, at the age of 35, to release
her debut album. But she's no
slacker debutante trading on her
name, says Rob Tannenbaum,
who conducted this month's
Playboy Interview. "| think there
are only two things she's taken
really seriously and committed
herself to," he says. "One is be-
ing a mom. The other is putting
out this record. She talked about
how, growing up, different musi-
cal artists meant a lot to her.
She's had a lot of difficulties in
her life and always found music.
to be a comfort. | think she truly
wants to make music that can
function that way for others. She
sure doesn't need the money."

David Cross first showed up on
comedy racars as co-star and
writer of the HBO sketch comedy
series Mr. Show and has since
had roles on The Drew Carey
Show and Just Shoot Me! and
in Waiting for Guffman. This
month's futuristic article Dear
Friends: Get Me the Fuck Out of
Here turned out to be an easy as-
signment for him. "1 am from the
future," he says, "but only five
minutes ahead—which can be
frustrating." The payoff for being
hardwired to the future: Cross
landed a spot in Terminator 3. “I
play a spoon." One thing is for
sure: He ladles up the laughs.

This Father's Day, give him the Star Treatment.

RICHARD

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STIN HOFFMAN E

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io Lobo, Vol ‚des Big Jake,
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Treat the ‘Sheriff’ in your house to these Classic Westerns on DVD.

n Art and availabilty subject to change without
www.paramount.com/homeentertainment TM, G & Copyright © 2003 by Paramount Pictures. All Rights Reserved. = «iere rennen

features

119

120

SEX ON THE EDGE

For years, different drugs have been touted as ultimate aphrodisiacs. Now there's
‘foxy, a new sex potion that gets club kids—and law enforcement—all hot and both-
ered. Does it work? Is it dangerous? Our fearless writer scores a vial and tells all.
BY HEATHER CALDWELL

WAVE RAVE
Whether you're into skimming, jet-skiing or bare-ass kayaking, we'll bring out your
inner sea hoss with this summer's coolest surf-busting machines

WAR OF THE WORDS

A gentleman’s profession? Ha! Literary and media heavies—from Tom Wolfe and
Norman Mailer to Dave Eggers and Tina Broum—have a bad habit of getting
nasty. And their poison-pen put-downs live forever in cyberspace. Behold five of the
most ferocious, keyboard-melting feuds. BY SIMON DUMENCO

AMERICA THE BREWFUL

There's only one way lo know if microbreus like Blackened Voodoo, Weizenheimer
and Ghettoblaster stand up to their names. PLAYBOY chugs а brewer’s dozen and
spills the results. BY JAMES OLIVER CURY

DEAR FRIENDS, GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!

Apparently the future isn’t all it's cracked up to be. The good neus: In 2053, men
have multiple penises. The bad news: everything else. Read our recenily discovered
letters from the future or risk a forehead demerit label. BY DAVID CROSS

ZORA EXPOSED

Joe Millionaire's good girl has a wild side—and it's peeking through her lingerie.
20Q RACHEL WEISZ

The star of the Mummy movies went to Cambridge, but she still loves to roll around
in the mud and get dirty. She even thinks the overweight, overmedicated Elvis was
сше. No, you are not dreaming, and, yes, she is perfect. BY ROBERT CRANE

CENTERFOLDS ON SEX: REBECCA SCOTT
Rebecca likes her men to fondle and lick her everywhere. And we mean everywhere.

THE HIPSTER'S GUIDE TO DATING
Grab your horn-rimmed glasses and vintage sneakers and check out our can't-miss
guide to nailing bohemian chicks. You'll thank us later. BY ROBERT LANHAM

fiction

JOINT CUSTODY
The hot new girlfriend has a pet. No problem. Except that her pet happens to be a
100-pound potbellied pig she shares with an ex. BY STEVE AMICK

interview

LISA MARIE PRESLEY

She is the daughter of the King, but she's no princess, as she reveals in a Playboy
Interview that covers Jacko, Nicolas Cage, her dad and more. “My taste in sex,”
Presley says, "is probably ‘porn style.’ Т am a little dark. I like it rough, the way they
do things in porn movies.” We're all shook up. BY ROB TANNENBAUM

cover stor

With dorling Nikki Schieler Ziering Гү
scenes in the lotest American Pie sequel, Amer-
icon Wedding, and heating up the jungle set of
I'm o Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here, PLAYBOY
decided ta send Senior Contributing Pho-
tographer Stephen Woyda on o mission: Get
Nikki's clothes out of here! Our Robbit gets.
oll knotted up by Miss September 1997.

vel. 50, no. 7—july 2003

E d
| i 4

NDS d

contents continued

pictorials

Pot stamps, spam and soldiers who
say "PLAYBOY is my co-pilot.”

155 PLAYMATE NEWS
Shanna Moakler rocks Blink-182, зз
George Lopez’ favorite Playmate.
depariments 34
3 PLAYBILL

15 DEAR PLAYBOY
21 AFTER HOURS

36
40 PLAYBOY TV
42 PLAYBOY.COM
45 MANTRACK
49 ТНЕРІДҮВОҮ ADVISOR 38
102 PARTY JOKES
139 WHERE AND HOW TO BUY

70 2 FAST, 2 FURIOUS, 2 FINE 159 ON THE SCENE
The ийаш rides from the se- 160 GRAPEVINE
quel to The Fast and the Furious
meet the nude girls of street racing. 162 POTPOURRI
90 PLAYMATE:
MARKETA JANSKA lifestyle
Beautiful? Czech. Naked? Czech.
HIELER ZIERING 108 THE NEW PLAYBOY
126. ие “ZIFRI! There's no better place to update
In Hollywood, Nikki's a rising star: E
2^ your fashion sense than. the
In PLAYBOY, Nikki's nekkid!
Playboy Mansion.
BY JOSEPH DE ACETIS
notes and news 114 THE LUX LIFE
11 — THE WORLD OF PLAYBOY Tbe veu ау bay emus ЗЕН
accessories make the outfit.
12 MARDI GRAS MANSION And the man.
MADNESS BY JOSEPH DE ACETIS
Darva Conger, Justin Timberlake
and Tara Reid party with beads
and Bunnies. reviews
51 THE PLAYBOY FORUM 31 MOVIES

Harrison Ford returns in Helly-
wood Homicide; is Drew's Angels 2
dumber than Dumberer?

MUSIC
Radiohead, Pete Yorn, David Ban-
ner and the Deftones.

GAMES

Supercross champ Ricky
Carmichael revs up extreme racing
games, the Hulk gets four rabbits.

DVD

Bond, breaking down New Wave
films and gorgeous Katie
Holmes—topless! Yes, topless!

BOOKS

Joe Queenan on the woes of sports
fans and the author of Fast Food
Nation on Reefer Madness.

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Se Mio Г

HUGH M. HEFNER
editor-in-chief

JAMES KAMINSKY, ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial directors
STEVEN RUSSELL deputy editor
TOM STAEBLER art director
GARY COLE photography director
LISA CINDOLO GRACE managing editor
ROBERT LOVE editor at large
JOHN REZEK associate managing editor
STEPHEN RANDALL executive editor
LEOPOLD FROEHLICH assistant managing editor

EDITORIAL
FEATURES: CHRISTOPHER NAPOLITANO editor; FORUM: JAMES R. PETERSEN senior staff writer; CHIP
ROWE associate editor; PATTY LAMBERT! editorial assistant; MODERN LIVING: DAVID STEVENS editor
JASON BUHRMESTER associate editor; DAN HENLEY administrative assistant; STAFF: BARBARA NELLIS
senior editor; ALISON PRATO associate editor; ROBERT в. DESALVO, TIM MOHR. assistant editors;
HEATHER HAEBE, CAROL KUBALEK, MALINA LEE. OLGA STAVROPOULOS editorial assistants; CARTOONS:
MICHELLE URRY editor; JENNIFER THIELE assistant; COPY: BRETT HUSTON associate editor; ANAHEED
ALANI, ANNE SHERMAN assistant editors; КЕМА SMITH senior researcher; GEORGE HODAK, BARI NASH.
KRISTEN SWANN researchers; MARK DURAN research librarian; TIM GALVIN, JOAN MCLAUGHLIN
proofreaders; BRYAN BRAUER, BRADLEY LINCOLN assistants; CONTRIBUTING EDITORS: ASA BABER,
KEVIN BUCKLEY, JOSEPH DE ACETIS (FASHION), GRETCHEN EDGREN, LAWRENCE GROBEL, KEN GROSS,
WARREN KALBACKER, JOE MORGENSTERN, DAVID RENSIN, DAVID SHEFF, JOHN D. THOMAS

ART
SCOTT ANDERSON, BRUCE HANSEN, CHET SUSKI, LEN WILLIS senior art directors; ROB WILSON associate
art director, PAUL CHAN senior art assistant; JOANNA METZGER art assistant; CORTEZ WELLS art
services coordinator; LORI PAIGE SELDEN senior art administrator

PHOTOGRAPHY
MARILYN GRABOWSKI west coast editor; JIM LARSON managing editor; KEVIN KUSTER. STEPHANIE MORRIS
senior editors; PATTY BEAUDETFRANCES associate edilor; RENAY LARSON assistant editor; ARNY FREYTAG,
STEPHEN WAYDA senior contribuling photographers; GEORGE GEORGIOU staff photographer;
RICHARD IZUI, MIZUNO, BYRON NEWMAN, GEN NISHINO. POMPEO POSAR, DAVID RAMS Contributing
photographers; вил wnrre studio manager—los angeles; ELIZABETH GEORGIOU manager,
photo library; KEVIN CRAIG manager, photo lab; MELISSA ELIAS photo researcher;
PENNY EKKERT, production coordinator

JAMES N. DIMONEKAS publisher

PRODUCTION
MARIA MANDIS director; RITA JOHNSON manager; JODY JURGETO, CINDY FONTARELLI, DEBBIE TILLOU
associate managers; JOE CANE typesetter; BILL BENWAY, SIMMIE WILLIAMS prepress;

CHAR EROWCZYK assistant

CIRCULATION
LARRY A. DIERF newsstand sales director; PHYLLIS ROTUNNO subscription circulation director

ADVERTISING
DIANE SILBERSTEIN associate publisher; JEFF KIMMEL eastern advertising director; JOE HOFFER midwest
sales manager; HELEN BIANCULLI direct response manager; LISA NATALE marketing director; SUE ICOE
event marketing director; JULIA LIGHT marketing services director; DONNA TAYOSO Creative services
director; MARIE FIRNENO advertising business manager; KARA SARISKY advertising coordinator; NEW
YORK: MICHAEL BELLINGHAM, VICTORIA HAMILTON, SUE JAFFE, JOHN LUMPKIN, RON STERN;
CALIFORNIA: DENISE SCHIPPER, COREY SPIEGEL; CHICAGO: WADE BAXTER

READER SERVICE
MIKE OSTROWSKI Correspondent

ADMINISTRATIVE,
MARCIA TERRONES rights & permissions director

PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES INTERNATIONAL, INC.
CHRISTIE HEENER chairman, chief executive officer
JAMES P. RADTRE senior vice president and general manager

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HEF SIGHTINGS, MANSION FROLICS AND NIGHTLIFE NOTES

PRAYING FOR
GUIDANCE

Lucy Liu, Camer-
on Diaz and Drew
Barrymore share a
reverential moment
with Hef between
scenes on Char-
lie's Angels 2. The
Playboy Mansion |
was transformed
into Our Lady of
Perpetual Virginity
for the movie. The
grounds looked like
those of a religious
institution, but Hef
couldn't resist play-
ing while praying.

AND ALL

THAT JAZZ

Hef and Al Jarreau
shared a moment

ON THE TOWN WITH HEF
Hef and Verne "Mini-Me" Troyer (left)
shared the opening-night festivi-
ties at the hot new LA nightspot
White Lotus, where Hef also got at the Playboy Jazz
smooched by party pal Paris \ Fest press confer-
Hilton (below right). On another à BS ence, where George
night, Mr. Playboy and his party Wein announced
posse put in an appearance at that Bill Cosby would.
Carmen Electra and rocker Dave be returning to em-
Navarro's engagement party. cee another Holly-
wood Bow! full of
jazz for the 25th an-
niversary of the pop-
ular annual event.
SNOOP AND
HIS MAIN MAN
Snoop brought his
MTV crew to the
Mansion to film a
segment for his
show, Doggyfizzle.
He presented Hef
with a Noble Piece
Prize medal for
his "in-depth study
of female anato-
my" and for get-
ting “more piece
than any other white
man alive."

PLAYBOY

MANSION

FIGHT NIGHT
Hef's longtime
friend James
Caan was part of
the crowd cheer-
ing heavyweight
Roy Jones's daz-
zling display of
the sweet sci-
ence as he beat
John Ruiz on
Fight Night.

THE
MANSION
MENAGERIE
Hef's new live-in
girlfriends—Zoe,
Renee, Sheila,
Izabella, Bridget
and Holly—are
really concerned
with the care and
feeding of the
Mansion menag-
erie—including
the lions.

Mardi Gras at the Mansion means Bunnies,
beads and bacchanalia. (1) Hef and his girl-
friends are ready for the Flesh and Fantasy
theme of the party. (2) Tara Reid showing her
Playboy spirit. (3) Corey Feldman, his bride,
Susie, and Helena Borg. (4) Dorian Gregory
with a Jell-O shot girl. (5) Far From Heaven's
Dennis Haysbert is in heaven with Jennifer,
Gwen and Heather of The Bachelor. (6) Steve
Valentine and his wife, Shari. (7) Elke Jeinsen,
Victoria Fuller and Barbara Moore. (8) Ryan
Seacrest and Simon Cowell. (3) Playmate Pro-
motions' Pat Lacey and A.J. McLean. (10) Real
Joe Millionaires Steve Bing and Ron Burkle.
(11) Jim Belushi. (19) Justin Timberlake. (13)
Michael Clarke Duncan picks up

Nicole Narain. (14) Jamie Foxx

and Jeffrey Ross. (15) Newlyweds

Darva Conger and Jim Arellano.

(16) Meanwhile, in New Orleans,

Merritt Cabal, Brittany Evans,

Lindsey Vuolo and Teri Harrison.

put the "mmm" in Mardi Gras on

our Bourbon Street balcony.

_ Miss October 2001
че Za

АТ TRIP TO PRAGUE
‚m MISS OCTOBER! t

eck out the list of dates, ities and details о 3 y Bres
_wwrmplayboy<com/pyip. A^ at С

THE ORIGINAL GOLDEN BEER

EM o a r

Pt a y

SCORING
The Last Score (April) was one of the
most interesting articles I've ever read,
because we rarely hear the convict's
side of the story. Too bad Stephen Reid
couldn't control himself better on the
outside.
Steve Genna
Union, New Jersey

1 couldn't help thinking that may-
be this time the authorities will make
Reid serve his whole sentence.

Randy Brown
Clearwater, Florida

HARD KNOCK LIFE
The wit, insight and integrity dis-
played by Jay-Z (Playboy Interview, April)
could be summed up in a nutshell.
There are many more interesting peo-
ple to interview. Kecp looking.
Rick Taber
Minocqua, Wisconsin

CARMEN ROCKS

I'm an aspiring musician and a new
PLAYBOY subscriber, so imagine my sur-
prise to find my favorite lady, Carmen
Electra (April), holding my favorite
guitar, a cherry-red Stratocaster. You
have just earned yourselves a lifetime
subscriber.

Casey Wilson
Bozeman, Montana

1 got my April issue and Гуе been
hollering at the moon ever since.

Electro shock.

There is nothing sexier than seeing
Carmen holding that guitar.
K. Smith
Cincinnati, Ohio

Carmen is hot, sexy and beautiful.
That's all I can say.
Ralph Soto
Downey, California

CARRIE BRADSHAW WANNABES
I have been a PLAYBOY reader for a

long time and, unlike my husband, I
don't claim to read it just for the arti-
cles. But I was disheartened to read
Sex and Two Cities (April). Both wom-
en spent far too much time on Stoli
and sugar daddies. Do men need an-
other reason to see women as shallow
and manipulative? Just so you guys
know, we're not all like those two.

R. Skye

San Diego, California

OUR BEST SHOT
The mezcal article in April (The
Worm Has Turned) was clearly meant to
be funny. As the author of The Tequila
Lover's Guide to Mexico and Mezcal, 1 can
tell you that the excellent brands you
rated ofler wonders that your clever
descriptions don't explore
Lance Cutler
Sonoma, California
Thank you for plugging your book. We
may even read it when our head stops throb-
bing and our sinuses clear.

OUR OTHER BEST SHOT

The Rock Shots pictorial (April) would
have been so much better if you had
featured more of the photos your
guest photographers took instead of
shots of them taking the pictures. Who
wants to see Ja Rule when you have
the lovely Michele Rogers and Christi
Shake on a bed?

Bret Kenschaft
Denver, Colorado

We all know rock stars get the girls,
but when I look at ptaysoy I like to
imagine myself as the photographer,
not some celebrity. Why don't farmers,
computer programmers or cabdrivers
get a turn? I'll be happy to volunteer.

Wayne Thume
Preston, Maryland

You and a thousand other guys. May we

get back to you on your offer?

THAT DOG WON'T HUNT

Your recent piece on Dr. Phil Mc-
Graw (The Dr. Phil S.A.T., April) made
him look like a natural target for jibes
and criticism. l've watched him for

b о y

some time now and he's hardly in the
same category as Maury Povich or Jer-
ry Springer. His basic messages of be-
havior modification arc grounded in
research in that field. I think he is no-
tably devoid of jargon, and as a retired
professor of sociology and psychology.
1 find his ability to develop rapport
with his guests an important skill for a

therapist, even on TV.

George Vrhel
Sterling, Illinois

Tail in two cities.

We hear what you're saying and we'd like
to validate your feelings. However, our ir-
rational, deep-seated need to jerk Dr. Phil's
chain prevents us from doing so.

LET'S HEAR IT FOR HIPS
As a man with a strong preference
for full-figured women, 1 must con-
gratulate you for Babe of the Month
Rosa Blasi (April). She's beautiful.
Brendan Forde
Washington Township, New Jersey

THREE'S A CROWD
While Dirty Vegas was thrilled to
win the PLAYBOY readers' music poll
(The Year in Music, April) for best elec-
tronica, we at the label wondered what
happened to a photo of keyboardist
Paul Harris?
Elliot Walker
Ultra Records
New York, New York
Would you believe we got a discount on
the photo? No? OK, sorry and congratula-
tions again.

BUCKEYE BABE

irst Ohio Statc wins the national
football championship, then you show
us the truly beautiful Ohioan Carmella

DeCesare (Spring Fever, April). Are we
great, or what?
Ron Grant
Massillon, Ohio

I can't believe it—a Centerfold with
natural breasts. I hope this continues
and you manage to get rid of French
manicures as well. Then you'll really
be on to something again.

William McEwen
Arlington, Texas

EEE REN

I don't believe the Playmate Data
Sheet for Carmella DeCesare. Her
hips can't be 27 inches. If this were so,
then her waist/hip ratio would be 0.89,
a value much higher than the average
0.69 for the 206 previous Playmates.
Please print the corrected value in a
forthcoming issue for those of us who
enjoy statistics.

Harry Murphy
Albuquerque, New Mexico

Harry, we'll have to get back to you.
We're working on our statistical abstract
right now. But last time we checked, Car-
mella looked pretty damn proportional to us.

‘Thanks for bringing Carmella back
after her departure from the Fox se-
ties The Girl Next Door: The Search for a
Playboy Centerfold. She was my favorite
on the show, a pure, natural beauty.

David Brown
Los Angeles, California

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All soaped up.

I may be mistaken, but I don't see
a single tattoo or body piercing on
Carmella, which makes me incredibly
happy.
'anadian orders accepted.) * Tom Brady

Manchester, Connecticut
800-423-9494

(Source Code 11466) or Can PLAYBOY get any better than
playboystore.com this? Your April issue is amazing: Car-
Most major credit cards accept i men Electra looks moist, Carmella
Tes] ] DeCesare reminds your older readers

what college boys hope to see every
fall, a very funny interview with Andy
Richter and a true-story bank robber
chase. I'll be waiting for an encore.
Tim Stockdale
Arlington, Virginia

Natural breasts and no tattoos make
the incredibly beautiful Miss April
Carmella a wonder. Who could ask for
anything more?

Victor Garcia
San Diego, California

HOT STUFF
‘The guys and I would like to say

thank you for providing some fine
firehouse reading. Once a month one
of us runs to the newsstand to buy the
latest issue and then it’s added to our
library. Congratulations on your al-
most 50 years of beautiful women.

Monroeville Volunteer Fire Co. #5

Monroeville, Pennsylvania

SEMPER Fl
We are currently deployed in Ku-
wait. You would be surprised how
your magazine can raise the morale
of troops who have been away from
home for months. We admire Hef for
starting pretty much from scratch. lt is
that kind of American ingenuity that
we are over here fighting for.
L/Cpl. David Marshall
USMC

LOVE YOU, TOO
Thanks for a great magazine. I real-
ly enjoy the short stories, the intellec-
tual disagreements and the interna-
tionalist tone. 1 feel as though I grew
up with Hef.
Jon Thomas
Tulsa, Oklahoma

FICTION FAVORITE
Ever since kids got radios, music has
been the portable backdrop to our
lives. I really liked Ethan Hauser's sto-
ry Kid, Rock (April) for reminding me
that making up, breaking up and all
those major personal moments were
connected to music.
Karen Moss
New York, New York

Now that radio is under corporate
control and without any flavor from ei-
ther the city it is played in or the DJs
who are heard on it, I wonder if kids
will be able to identify the important
moments in their lives by tunes on
the radio. Or will they just remember
that some songs were played twice an
hour? Hauser's story really got it.

Jack White
Chicago, Illinois

E-mail: DEARPB@PLAYBOY.COM Or write: 680 NORTH LAKE SHORE DRIVE, CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 60611

THE SEARCH

P TL i гг CA

ку Г: SS "PME

Playboy is conducting a nationwide search
for our soth Anniversary Playmate.
If you think you know the 21st Century girl-next-door,
why not introduce her to us? Our editors will be touring
Jillian’s locations across the country from April 8- July 18.
To make an appointment, call (877) 777-1953.
For more information, log on to www.playboy.com.

Chicago, IL May 7-8*, Houston, TX May 7-8, Memphis, TN May 14-15,

Indianapolis, IN May 21-22, Vancouver, BC May 21-22*, Columbia, SC May 28-29,

Toronto, ON June 4-5*, Raleigh, NC June 4-5, Norfolk, VA June 11-12,

Miami, FL June 18-19*, Farmingdale, NY June 18-19, Montreal, QE June 25-26,

Cleveland, OH (Flats) July 2-3, Minneapolis, MN July 9-10, Denver, CO July 16-17
"Not a Jillian's location. Go to www.playboy.com for additional location details.

Candidates must be at least 18 years of age and bring with them two forms of personal identification, one of which must have a photo, expiration date and date of birth.

Acceptable forms of ID are: valid driver's license, birth certificate, passport, college ID, social security card, voter's registration card or state identification card.
All photos become the property of Playboy and will not be returned. © PLAYBOY 2003

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Cigarette

Smoke Contains Carbon Monoxide.

GREEN LABEL FULL FLAVOR — 18mg. "tar", 1.3 то
nicotine av. per cigarette by FTC method. For more
product information, visit www.rjrtcom.

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Every Jack Daniel's barrelhouse has LO,OOO barrels inside.
And one serious padlock outside.

Your friendsat Jack Daniel's remind you to dr;
ed usd of fach Danitls. ©з —

babe of the month

babe of the month [ Jordan Ladd

mother," says Jordan. "She was
strict. | was quarantined in my
house with a 10 o'clock curfew. I
rebelled, but | covered my tracks.”
As an actress, Jordan tormented
Drew Barrymore in Never Been
Kissed but declined Drew's offer to
appear in the big-screen Charlie's

“| just want to have a
good time. Sex is part
of the human experi-
ence, and to ignore it is
to ignore a part of life."

Angels. Catch her next in the thriller
Cabin Fever (about a flesh-eating
virus that attacks her posse in the
woods): "It was the most disgusting
script I'd ever read, so I had to be in
it." While eschewing favoritism, the
28-year-old is comfortable with her
inherited hotness. “When I showed
up on a Most Sexy list, I got points
with my husband,” she says. “I
wasn't just the old lady—other boys
thought I was attractive. | just want
to have a good time. Sex is part
of the human experience, and to
ignore it is to ignore a part of life."

LADD, LADD WORLD

OH, BABY: When Jordan was
young, she didn't consider it odd
that her mom fought crime in a
two-piece. “Most of the kids | went
to school with had parents in show
business. It was all pretty normal."
SUPER JORDAN: "I love to travel
but hate traffic and planes. | wish
1 could beam myself anywhere in-
stantly. Wiggle my nose or shake
my ass—bam!—I'm in Quebec."

SEX OR CHOCOLATE? "Sex. Oh
yes, sex. It helps you lose weight."
IN THE BAG: A Polaroid camera,
American Spirits, her terrier Earl
and Binaca breath spray. "I want
to revive the Seventies. When
someone wanted to make a move
in a commercial, they'd spritz Bi-
naca first. It sends that message."
CREAM PUFF: "I worked in a bak-
ery and had to wear a humiliating
little Danish outfit. But now that I
think back, it was kind of sexy. 1
looked like a Danish milkmaid."

afterhours ]

ETT
_ baromel -
IT'S JULY AND
"зп
aeg ЛТ

‚.. youre watching
t Wimbledon. Sampras?
Who cares? The
ladies’ bracket has all
the heat. Joining Anna
K. is a volley of come-
ly young Russkis who
might even win a
match: Elena Demer-
tieva, Maria Sharapo-
va, Tatiana Panova

and Elena Bovina. Ad-
vantage, us.

... you're not sure how many more bombs
you can watch bursting in eir this month. But
true patriots can head to the Coney Island Hot
Dog Contest (Brooklyn, New York), the Sum-
mer Redneck Games (East Dublin, Georgia) or
Spam Town USA Festival (Austin, Minnesota).

Rob Reimer and Mikel Addonisio have seen thingies most men
only dream about. They are piercers to the stars, paid to probe

+ . your girl will love celebrity body parts normally trusted to physicians and privy to

a gift certificate to some tight secrets. Reimer is a former owner of Thirteen B.C. in
Malia Mills Swimwear. LA. Before he retired, Reimer gained fame for penetrating Anna
The designer builds Nicole Smith (nipple), as well as Janet Jackson (tongue, nipple,
bikinis so a woman nose), who is still a client. "Lots of people pass out when pierced,"

but Janet doesn't flinch, She's had piercing parties for her
and guests like Lisa Marie Presley.” Anna Nicole was also

can choose her par-
ticular top and bottom

sizes. Now she won't memorable. "She has the world's biggest breasts and I struggled to
have to settle for off- pierce her nipple. It was stretched out and flat." In New York, Ad-
therack one-size fitsill donisio plugged into the celebrity circuit by fixing Lenny Kravitz
suits. Contact nostril at Andromeda, the parlor he manages. He's pierced Alyssa
maliamills.com. Milano (ears, navel) and Christina Aguilera. “Christina popped in

and had the basics done—ears, navel and nose,” he says. "Then 1
did her nipples. She called again about genital piercings, but she

. . . you're saving to buy pricey water at all-day never came in." (Turns out she's also a regular at Thirteen B.C.
music-and-sunburn festivals. With Ozzfest and Says current owner Taj, "I did her nostril, lip and other locations
the Vans Warped Tour flagging, the stage is that she has asked me not to talk about.”) Addonisio may have
clear for Metallica's Summer Sanatorium and, missed out on piercing Aguilera's downtown, but he's still proud:
with the first Lollapalooza since 1997, the re- “When I saw her Rolling Stone cover I said, "Those are my nipples!"

turn of rock's avantfreaks, Jane's Addiction.

- - you don't trust
your blender—or your

MEME QUILLY

Not after seeing The icks i i
Mati Releaded and nature tricks not just for kids

this month's Termina- We spend a lot of time finding ways to
tor 3: Rise of the hide the Rabbit logo on our covers. But
Machines. The gad- we're no match for this little prick: a
get revolution is com- divinely formed cactus from the Arizona
ing, and your kitchen desert. It's a unique varietal called cac-
is a sleeper cell. tii lapidi —Latin for "this won't hurt a

bit." Don't tell our trademark lawyers.

[afterhours

HOMEMADE RATTLER HOOCH HAS A BIG BITE

Think you got cojones because you ate that puny worm at the bot-
tom ofa mescal bottle? Then point yourself down a rutty dirt road
toward Rancho Agua Caliente, Mexico (about 20 miles south of
Ensenada) and see if you're hombre enough to handle the bite
inside a jar of Tequila con
Víbora de Rageoña. That's
rattlesnake tequila to you
gringos. “Como medicina,”
says Francisco Dario Gar-
cia, 48, of his home brew—
a once-common folk cure
that he claims relieves
arthritis, cancer. rheuma-
tism and nerves. Enter his
dusty old cantina and he'll
show you a live specimen
coiled and hissing in captiv-
ity on the mantel. When
the snake's time comes,
Garcia sinks the writhing
reptile in a two-gallon jar of
tequila. After it drowns
(and gives off its mythic cu-
rative properties), he soaks
it again. At that point light
and alcohol will have neutralized the venom, and the result is said
to have no toxicity. Whether a shot cures what ails you or not is
moot, since most imbibers suffer from nothing more severe than a
dare from companions. Just don't wuss out and pick out the scales
floating on top. "Once many people learned to do this," he says,
replacing the tinfoil lid on a nearly empty jar. "Now it's only me."

5 n
PLASTIC PUNK

NEVER MIND THE BARBIES,
HERE'S A SEX PISTOL

Compared with the Sex Pistols, today's punk
bands might as well be Celine Dion. Now, with
a new action figure, Diamond Comic Distribu-
tors immortalizes the most self-destructive
bassist of all time, Sid Vicious. At eight inches
tall, the doll is about as big as the knife Vicious.
allegedly used to kill his girlfriend, Nancy Spun-
gen. Little Sid is fully articulated at the neck
and shoulders but his fingers don't move,
which to many fans makes him truly lifelike.

PLAYBOY OVER THE NATIONS OF THE MIDDLE EAST,
ALONG WITH MILLIONS OF TINY AIRLINE BOTTLES OF
BOOZE."—msnec TALK-SHOW HOST MICHAEL SAVAGE

NICE ASSIST

EXECUTIVE ASSISTANT MICHELE BERKE
IS AREAL TEAM PLAYER

PLAYBOY: What do you do all day?

MICHELE: Get my nails done—just joking. 1 work for
the president of Playboy.com, and he travels all the time,
so it seems like I'm always filling out expense reports. For
somebody who hates numbers, | deal with them a lot.
PLAYBOY: Surely there are some fringe benefits?
MICHELE! 1 used to chaperone Playmates. And I met
Yankees pitcher David Wells in the green room at the
Howard Stern show. I'm a big Yankees fan.

PLAYBOY: What's with the purple hair?

MICHELE: With short hair, you can only do so much, so.
1 like to color it. I've done
purple, orange, yellow,
green, fuchsia, blue and
every shade of red. 1 call
it mood hair.

PLAYBOY: How do guys
react when they find out
you work here?
MICHELE: It's always
the same, They ask, “Are
there naked women walk-
ing around the office?"
Until now I've been able
to say no.

"A LITTLE BLING BLING FOR YOUR TING TING!"

INQUIRE AT A STORE NEAR YOU

[afterhours

flashbacks

HIGH ART

A PSYCHEDELIC MUSEUM THAT'S WORTH THE TRIP

You are not hallucinating. There really is a museum devoted to
the perforated blotter paper used to absorb LSD. Curator Mark
McLoud has hoarded acid artwork for decades. Now his Institute
of Ilegal Images in San Francisco holds thousands of tabs bearing
classic designs and icons from Janis Joplin to Homer Simpson.
McLoud says visitors to his Louvre of lysergic stare at the sacred
squares, recalling psychedelic blasts that blew open their doors of
perception—or at least made them dance around like sock pup-

pets. We may not know art, but we know what we lick.

brace yourself

IF YOU WANT TO YING, YOU'VE GOT TO YANG

gue GOOD NEWS BAD NEWS

Good news: The DA in Califor-
nia's Humboldt County, an area
synonymous with pot cultivation,
has issued new guidelines that
permit residents with medicinal
marijuana prescriptions to pos-
sess up to 99 pot plants and

three pounds of dried buds.

Bad news: He's devoting saved
resources to busting the meth lab
in your garage.

Good news: Scientists at Wol-
longong University in Australia
have developed a “smart bra"
with special fabric that responds
to strain. The prototype's straps
tighten much like a seatbelt when
breasts require extra support.
Bad news: That means no more
gratuitous jiggling.

Good news: Some Wesleyan
University coeds, inspired by The
Vagina Monologues, have formed
the Cunt Club to raise conscious-
ness about our favorite vacation
spot. "If you don't make a point
of talking specifically about vagi-
nas," says founder Cara Herbitter,
“they don't get talked about.”
Bad news: Membership is sur-
prisingly tight.

Good news: A live window dis-
play at a downtown Madison, Wis-
consin hair salon grew steamy as
two women allegedly engaged in
sex acts in front of a crowd of ap-
preciative men on the street.

Bad news: Cops busted the girls
and the men will never look at a
hairbrush the same way again.

tipsheet

WE'RE PUTTING WORDS
IN YOUR MOUTH

NOW YOU NO LONGER HAVE TO
SEARCH FOR SOMETHING TO SAY
Dixie chickenshit: A country music 7
artist who isn't supportive enough of the

war efforts of the United States to suit his

or her gung ho fan base.

Goldilocks economy: The good old
days when the stock market was not too cold, not too
hot, but just right.

Lobster: A lazy, stupid person, as in one with a tail
full of meat and a head full of gunk. Which means a
sunburned ditz is a broiled lobster.

Crappuccino: At $300 per pound, Кор! luwak is one
of the most expensive coffees on earth. Its flavor
secret? The beans are picked from the dung of the
Indonesian luwak, a kind of cat that eats but can't
digest them—it simply ferments them in its gut and
shits them out. Take that, Juan Valdez.

Business-class ass: Not an obnoxious guy in a suit
but rather a butt so big it won't squeeze into an air-
plane coach seat.

Shit a cold purple Twinkie: To freak out, and not
in a good way. "If | ever found out. gom,

she cheated on me, I'd shit a cold

purple Twinkie."

Wankster: A phony gangster.

Plastercard: Tesco, a British

company, plans to issue special

credit cards with embedded Breathalyzers designed
to let users test whether theyre perhaps not in the
right frame of mind to make a purchase. There goes
the tattoo industry.

Picasso porn: The scrambled image seen by non-
subscribers when they try to watch a porn channel.
We know you know what we're talking about.

The Agincourt gesture: The Finger, reputed to
have originated with victorious Brit soldiers as a "fuck
yov" to the French after the Battle of Agincourt in
1415. However, according to findings by gestural-
vulgarity scholars, it actually dates back to ancient
Greece and Rome. Et tu and your mother, Brutus.

Metrosexual: A big-city dweller in love with his
lifestyle and all the cool downtown props that go with
it. An urban dandy,

Biological security agents: WMD-

ese for dogs, cats and other house-

hold pets. Since veterinarians feed

reports of animal seizures into a

nationwide database, Fido's and Fluffy's moments of
distress will now supposedly be the first alert of a ter-
rorist attack involving bioweapons.

by ^
"The three priorities in my life

are my horse, my rope and my Copenhagen.

_ But not necessarily in that order.

End
f 4 7
ym ' TIAM - Ty Murray,
hs — EU an Retired 7-Time World Champion
H Tet All-Around Cowboy
1

| 1 е) а И 4

The bold taste of Copenhagen. As authentic
as the people who enjoy it. Whether it's Fine Cut,
Long Cut or Pouches, Fresh Cope’ satisfies.

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EERE

Inside Job

According to a report in the New
England Journal of Medicine, about
1500 sponges, clamps or other
surgical implements are left inside
patients' bodies each year. The areas
where the instruments were found:

Abdomen/Pelvis 5475
Vagina 22%

22 :

The odds a married Chest 7% ~~

woman will have an affair Other 17%

Before 2 years of marriage 1in8 ==

Between 2 and 10 years P H Я

of marriage 3 15 | Family Time

After 10 years m mame lin5 The Logan family of Ottawa County,

The odds a married man Oklahoma has been charged with more

will have an affair than 250 crimes in 5 years. Current- =

Before 2 years of mariage 1107 | УФ far IETS ае d че Extra Points
Between 2 and 10 years : nces in prison. In a recent incident, 2 PET А
of marriage = lin4 it took 8 law enforcement agencies Nipple enlargement operations in 2002:
After 10 years of marriage lin3 to arrest 6 of the family members. women: 501 men: 40

The Bottom Five

The least-visited national parks in the United States
(As a point of comparison, the busiest national park, Great Smoky Mountains,
had 9,316,420 visitors in 2002.)

Drag Net

Using widely available Internet resources, lan
Cobain of The Times of London located 4 of
Interpol's "Most Wanted" international fugitives.
The massive manhunt took him 82 minutes.

Source: National Park Service. Statistics are for 2002.

Park State — Visitors per Year
Isle Royale MI 19,463
Gates of the Arctic AK 6648

Lake Clark AK 4325

Kobuk Valley AK 4046
National Park of — 1938
American Samoa

Diva Physics

From London's Metropolitan
Hotel (A), it takes star J. Lo
(B) and her entourage (C) 15
minutes to load into 6 limou-
sines (D). What is the dis-
tance that they will be trav-
eling to reach London's
Dorchester Hotel (E)?

Answer: 100 yards

Convenience

The two closest

Starbucks, locat-
ed in Seattle, are
150 feet apart.

2000, that figure was 64%.

Disservice

In 1980, 4096 of young
people said they'd never con-
Sider joining the military. In

Ta U. S. ARMY

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[ CHARLIE'S ANGELS:
© FULL THROTTLE

Cameron, Drew and Lucy in a revved-up sequel

Hollywood is littered with the wreckage of bomb sequels,
50 Charlie's Angels director McG isn't resting on that hit's
fat box office—or the enhanced star power of Cameron
Diaz, Drew Barrymore and Lucy Liu—the second time
around. "Godfather II delivered, Rocky II delivered, Termi-
nator 2 delivered, and we want to be one of those films
that take it higher,” the uni-monikered helmer says,
apparently with a straight face. What ensures that part
two isn't a number two? There's comebackprimed Demi
Moore as a mentor angel (“She's a tough, beautiful wom-
an who can stand tall in a biki- 2
ni") and Bernie Mac as the new i
Bosley, but let's face it: Bet- Im hoping that
ter for this defiantly unserious the girls do
franchise means more wild Steye McQueen
action. Expect Motocross n
stunts, helicopter theatrics proud.
and what McG boasts is a car-
chase sequence that "pushes the limits of what we
thought was imaginable on four wheels." It involves the An-
gels turning Hollywood Boulevard into a traffic jungle as
they swoop Tarzar-style from car to car. “I want it to be
2 " z \ reminiscent of Bullitt and The French Connection, but
А Ze * win the ашата with the consciousness of The Matrix," says McG, adding,
“l'm hoping that the girls do Steve McQueen proud."

Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met t Lloyd Our call: Dude, where's the
(Eric Christian O к Richardson, Е evy) The | nearest exit? At least Levy's
prequel craze turns into full-blown insanity with this gleefully | portrayal of a scheming high
moronic tale about teen twits Harry and Lloyd’s quest to es- | school principal gets him
cape special-education classes. Can you turn off your brain | one step closer to a Lifetime
enough to enjoy this and still maintain vital bodily functions? | Achievement Oscar.

Hollywood Homicide Our call: Director Ron Shelton

lartnett, Lena Olin) Buddy cop action | demonstrated an eye for the
peres never die, they just get grafted onto new milieus. | streets with White Men Can't
This time it's veteran Ford and rookie Hartnett as requi- | Jump. Here's hoping he knows
sitely unconventional Los Angeles detectives investigating the | that aging white movie stars
gangland-style slaying of a hip-hop group. shouldn't rap.

The Hulk Our call: Get ready to fork over

jennifer Connelly, п Elliott) Art-film | some green. As long as the CGI
direcion Ang Lee uses the comic-t -book te of a scientist (Bana) | effects don't look like they
transformed into a rampaging green juggernaut as a moody | are courtesy of Hanna-Barbera,
meditation on the demons within us all—and his $120 million The Hulk should be a smashing
budget as an excuse to wreck everything in sight. good time.

ше Nation Our call: A topless Ricci open-

ci, Jas е) Social provoca- | ing scene briefly raised our
teur Elizabeth Würtzels ling ir finally makes itto | spirits, but the rest of this
the big screen. Ricci plays a young working-class woman who | whiny self-obsession-fest saved
struggles with her overbearing mother and an industrial-size | us from refilling our prescrip-
| bout of depression during her freshman year at Harvard. tion for sleeping pills.

reviews [ movies

altered egos

[ COMIC GENIUS ]

Marvel boss Avi Arad isn't a superhero. He just owns a lot of them.

As chief executive of Marvel Studios,
Avi Arad has made Spider-Man, the
Hulk, Daredevil and the X-Men into
movie stars. We caught up with Holly-
wood's newest hero at his secret lair.

What is it about The Hulk that keeps
you up at night?

The terror is that we're making a crea-
ture that's completely ССІ but must
interact in a believable way with its en-
vironment and real actors. We want
you to watch the Hulk and actually
see his emotions. That's a minefield.
When a picture turned up on the
web, some people said Hulk looked
more like Shrek.

1 used to go nuts over this Internet
stuff. With Marvel, there's a pretty
passionate community out there that
cares so much they sometimes beat
us over the head. Any breathing male
with red blood in his veins is going to
see this movie regardless.

How is it decided which one of
Marvel's 4700 characters gets the
big-screen treatment next?

With the comics, computer games
and animated shows doing well, the
geek community gets bigger and big-
ger, and they'll go to any Marvel film.
Daredevil was—no ifs, ands or buts—
Ben Affleck in a red costume and that's
it. A small character, risky business. It
had a record opening weekend and fi-
nally made S100 million.

Did you foresee that Spider-Man
would be such a huge success?
When Marvel was facing bankruptcy, I
begged the big bankers to give us a

arthouse

second chance, saying, "Don't sell
yourselves short, guys. Spider-Man
alone will make a billion.” | was only off
by $600 million.

What is your least favorite superhero
costume?

Let's put it this way— you haven't seen
it on the screen. Costumes cause the
most soul-searching on every movie. If
we make X-Men costumes as colorful
as they are in the comics, will it look
like a New Year's Eve ball in Italy?

“No talk during Hulk's soliloquy!”

Do you think the superhero movie
boom will fade soon?

As long as we zigzag and make the
characters compelling, the sky's the
limit. What people remember about
these movies is not guys in tights flip-
ping between buildings. We're pene-
trating the masses now. You can't gen-
erate $100 million at the box office
just from comic book geeks.

28 Days Later
Director Danny Boyle
(Trainspotting) leaps into
genre territory with this
gory tale of survivors
(led by newcomers Cillian
Murphy and Naomie Har-
ris) dodging zombies af-
ter a viral attack wipes
out 99.9 percent of the
British population. Shot
on digital video, Days
bleeds an intelligence and
intensity that Hollywood
horror just can't stom-
ach.—Graham Robinson

| are among the comic performers.

ANGER MANAGEMENT Adam Sandler
plays patsy to Jack Nicholson’s leering ther-
apist in this latest product from the School
of Obnoxious Comedy. The novelty of
watching Jack cavort in this kind of movie
wears off faster than a temper tantrum. УУ.

ER 1 The directorial
debut from doni Malkovich stars Oscar
nominee Javier Bardem in a hard-edged
political thriller set in a Latin American
country beset by corruption and terrorism.
If only it didn't move . . . so. . . slowly. ¥¥

GHOSTS OF THE ABYSS James Cam-
eron's return to Titanic—the real one, on
the ocean floor—with Bill Paxton in tow,
shows off his new IMAX 3-D robotic cam-
eras, but the presentation is muddled by
halfhearted dramatic re-creations. YY%

N Hip-hop
eae E Kerne is really from the —
“tough streets of Malibu"—but that makes
for a one-joke movie, even if you find the
joke amusing. Taye Diggs and Anthony
Anderson come off best as two classically
trained actors hired to pose as thugs. УУ

THE MAN ON THE TRAIN Patrice Le-
conte (The Girl on the Bridge) offers an in-
triguing fable, with French rocker Johnny
Hallyday and veteran actor Jean Rochefort
as opposites who meet by chance and envy
each other's lifestyles. УУУ

i i > Christopher Guest and
his Best in Show gang reunite for this mock-
umentary about a reunion of folk-music |
stars. Eugene Levy, Catherine O'Hara, Har-
ty Shearer, | е ў

Wve

PEOPLE | KNOW Al Pacino plays a pub-
licist who's running on fumes; a movie star
(played by Ryan O'Neal), his last real
client, asks him to clean up a mess involv-
ing a starlet (Téa Leoni). Then it turns into
a political paranoia thriller. Even the com-
pelling Pacino can't rescue this mess. ¥

| SPELLB! ` Ном on earth could a little |

documentary about eight teenagers com

| peting to win the 1999 national spelling

bee turn out so funny, so suspenseful, so
revealing? Watch this Oscar-nominated film _

| and you'll see. You might just improve your |
| Spelling, too. yyy%

Worth a look
Forget it

reviews [ music

[ RADIOHEAD+HAIL TO THE THIEF ]

Call the cops. Somebody swiped the band

Thom Yorke's voice, evocative of an
emotional free fall, has always been
the source of Radiohead's success.
But on this latest release, his wails
and single word repetitions have be-
come self-indulgent. Couple that with
the fact that he has again largely
shelved his once-ferocious band in
favor of blips, bleeps and Casio
beats, and you've got trouble. There
is still interesting stuff going on here,
and when Yorke lets the rest of the
boys into the studio, there are magi-
cal moments (/ Will, There There).
More often, things fall apart, as on
2+2=5, which opens with mourn-
ful guitars and then careens into an
unhinged coda with Yorke shouting
"penetration." The less charitable
might be inclined to wonder whether
The Bends and OK Computer were
flukes. (EMI) ¥¥ —Tim Mohr

STEELY DAN» Everything Must Go
If you're not a Dan fan, this album won't
convert you. But aficionados will find these
songs reminiscent of their Seventies clas-
sics. Once again, the duo delivers their
staple—a fusion of jazz, pop and slyly dis-
jointed lyrics. Two Against Nature earned
a surprise Grammy
for Album of the Year
in 2000. While that
isn't likely to happen
again, Everything
Must Go is just as
good. (Reprise) ¥¥¥
—Patty Lamberti

DAVID BANNER» Mississippi: The Album |

Forget about the East Coast and West
Coast. The rowdiest hip-hop today comes
from the dirty South, and there's no place
dirtier than the Magnolia State. Loud,
bouncy and in your face, Dixie hip-hop
thrives on crunk anthems and roughhouse
choruses. David Banner is a whole lot
better at being social-
ly conscious than he
is at the hackneyed
thugging and pimp-
ing, but this one will
still rip up a party.
(SRC) vv

—Leopold Froehlich

| “It all sounds the

DEFTONES» Deftones
These boys have always been a discern-
ing nu-metal fan's bet for the group best
equipped to transcend the genre. On this
one they alternately simmer and explode
while maintaining a sensitivity that would
make most metal acts blush. Chino
Moreno screams,

same,” suggesting
that he understands
a predictability that
his band has outrun.
(Maverick) ¥¥¥4
—Jason Buhrmester

PETE YORN* Day | Forgot

After wowing critics with his debut CD,
Pete Yorn was set up for a sophomore
slump. It didn't happen. Day I Forgot was
recorded with the same producers, but he
has evolved into a formidable rock trou-
badour. On Carlos, he declares in his
smoky, bar-strained voice, "Even when |

try to sleep/I'm look-
TE YORN, |

ing for my best
friends/I'm tired of
all the people | see
through.” The mini
Boss is all grown up.
(Columbia) ууз
—Alison Prato

[ LUCINDA WILLIAMS ]

Lucinda Williams has three Grammys
and a new CD, World Without Tears.

We spoke to her as she packed to hit
the road with Neil Young.

Q: Time magazine called you America's.
best songwriter. Talk about piling on
the pressure.

А: 1 know! | felt humbled. Wait a
minute—what about Bob Dylan? John
Prine? Don't single me out, That's my
nature. I'm always taking care of every-
one. They pour accolades on me and |
think, What about so-and-so? I don’t
want my friends to feel left out.

Q: How many times have you had your
heart broken?

A: God, it just happened. Second time
this year. | guess I'm not doing some-
thing right.

Q: How do you cope with a bad
breakup?

А: The last guy is all over

my пем record. I сап ,

say who he is be-
cause that would be
horrible for him. See?
Here ! go—he broke
my heart and Рт
worrying about
hurting his feel-
ings. How
fucked up

is that?

Q: What do
you think of
the music
industry's
young sex
symbols?

A: That's the
nature of the
business. Pop
and rock are
visual. But it's
not just about
glamour. The
younger people
think they can
learn a few chords and, boom—that's
it. They're not working on their craft.
When | was 18, | wasn't thinking
about getting a record deal, | was learn-
ing to write.

Q: Do you have groupies?

А: Men are intimidated because I'm
strong and independent. Too bad. With
male musicians it's the opposite—girls
crawl all over them. It would be nice to
have good-looking guys hanging around.
God, ! love to flirt.

Q: Where do you keep all of your.
Grammys?

A: Right now they're in storage. Not to.
be rude, but I wish they were silver in-
stead of gold. They completely clash
with all my stuff. —Alison Prato

reviews[ games

1 RESIDENT EVIL: DEAD AIM ]

The scariest thing on this cruise isn't the seafood pin

Resident Evil: Dead Aim (Capcom, PS2) is set on a cruise ship, but you won't mis-
take it for a Love Boat rerun. Something stronger than Isaac's mai tais has turned the
passengers and crew into bloodthirsty zombies. As Bruce MacGavin, it's your job to

investigate the infection and kill
(or is that rekill?) every nasty in
sight, from possessed shuffle-
board players to ferocious sea
creatures. To add realism, the
game can be played with a gun
controller, allowing you to tog-
gle between shooting in the
first-person perspective or guid-
ing MacGavin around the enor-
mous ship. The foreboding at-
mosphere lives up to Resident
Evil's creepy standards—just
don't count on action as frantic
as Sega's zombie-shooter rival,
House of the Dead. Dead Aim's
targets can ect more disorient-
ed than a boatload of Florida
retirees. ¥¥¥ — —John Gaudiosi

ета A

THE HULK (Vivendi Universal, PS2,
Xbox, GameCube, PC) Most movie-to-
game conversions suck—witness Dare-
devil, a project that went bad faster than
you can say Ben Affleck. But The Hulk is a
pleasant surprise. You'll engage in stealth
missions as Bruce Banner and vicious bat-
tles as his mean green alter ego in a noir
style straight from the graphic novels un-
der your bed. Best
of all, the game's
environments are
destructible, so if
it exists, Hulk can
smash it. УУУУ
—Scott Steinberg

BRUTE FORCE (Microsoft, Xbox) Put a
trigger-happy gamer in control of a well-
armed military squad and there are bound |
to be casualties, especially in a game this |
tough. The sci-fi soldiers you command
(an assault trooper, a sniper, a scout and a
murderous alien) use their skills to accom-
plish missions that range from hostage
rescue to seek-and-destroy. Keeping track
of the entire team
while under fire
requires strategy,
so try being more
Rumsfeld and less
Rambo. ¥¥¥
—Marc Saltzman

MIDNIGHT CLUB 2 (Rockstar Games,
PS2, Xbox, PC) You don't have to boost
vehicles in this game by the makers
of Grand Theft Auto, but thet doesn't
mean your insurance rates shouldn't sky-
rocket just for grabbing the controller.
Driving in the illegal streetracing circuit,
you race for pink slips against rivals in
Los Angeles, Tokyo and Paris. Touchy
controls require
precision to avoid
wrecking or, even
worse, forking
over your ride to
а Frenchie. УУУ
—Jason Buhrmester

OUTLAW VOLLEYBALL (Simon and
Schuster, Xbox) The idea of a beach vol-
leyball video game is a winner, so why
isn't there a version that does it right?
In Outlaw, you ogle scantily clad eye
candy Summer and Harley and get
dissed by tattooed muscle heads who
hold grudges or cross the net to pick a
fight when you spike the ball at them.
But behind the LT

gimmicks Outlaw
is a simplistic
sports game that
falls to pieces
like a loose string
bikini. yy —S.S.

[ EXTREME GAMER ]

Supercross champ Ricky Carmichael
plays some titles worth getting
revved up about.

“It’s almost sad to
say, but | don't
play many games.
outside of racing.
ones. We have
heated bat-
tles at World ГА
of Outlaws:
Sprint Cars
(Infogrames,
PS2, PC). It's
a great dirt-track game to play
with a buddy—just try not to get
pissed off at each other. 1 always
use Sammy Swindell as my driver.
Then I outfit my car with a slower accel-
eration so it handles easier in the dirt and
mud. It pays off on tracks like Bristol that
are so small and tight you can't just blast
through. Those are the tracks that sep-
arate the players with technique from
the chumps. After you win a few races,

you earn cash to upgrade your car. My
tip: Suspension is key. Spend your.
nus cash on that, then work on build-
ing up the motor. We also spend a lot of
time playing my supercross game, MX
Superfly (THQ, PS2, Xbox, GameCube).
Luckily no one has ever beaten me while
playing as me. That would suck."

ial based device.

were B Е screamed
"geek" across a crowded club.

Fossil finally got it right with
its Wrist PDA. It runs the
full Palm software, not a
stripped-down version,
including useful add-
ons such as games //
and calculators. A
tiny stylus tucks into
the band, and a
‚small infrared port
on the face beams
data to any Palm-

WHERE AND HOW TD BUY ON PAGE 139

Black Sceptre - Swiss made

NEW SWATCH NABAB.
WHO SAID IT’S ONLY FOR MEN?

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reviews [ dvds

“DIE ANOTHER DAY ]

Brosnan and Berry heat up the Bond market.

The fourth trip around the world with Pierce Brosnan as 007 feels surprisingly fresh,
like that rare Super Bowl in which both the game and the commercials are great.
Credit director Lee Tamahori for giving the old megalomaniacalwillain-plots-to-destroy-

Western-civilization story a
new (if convoluted) spin, and
producers for adding Halle
Berry as a wisecracking, bikini-
clad American agent who al-
most makes this the first Bond
buddy movie. As for thrills, the
Aston Martin-on-ice chase
ranks with the series' best.
Extras: The double DVD is a
Qfest, with two commentary
tracks and several in-depth
features on the jaw-dropping
stunts. Madonna's Die Another
Day music video is here, too,
but we'd prefer the title se-
quence of Bond in captivity—
also one for the 007 "best"
lists. ¥¥¥% —Gregory P. Fagan

FRIDA (2002) Thank god it's Frida. All you
need to know about Mexican artist Frida
Kahlo (played by Salma Hayek) is that
she had affairs with Leon Trotsky and
Josephine Baker despite a five-inch uni-
brow and a metal rod in her back. And she
was a gifted painter. Best excuse for the
biopic: naked Salma. Extras: Two discs
with, among other bonuses, commentary
by director Julie Taymor, an interview with
Hayek, her re-
cording session,
production de-
tails of special
effects and a bi-
ography of randy
Kahlo. ¥¥¥
—Buzz McClain

ABOUT SCHMIDT (2002) In Easy Rider,
a carefree Jack Nicholson rides the back
of a Harley; 33 years later a Winnebago
takes his retired, widowed and adrift
Schmidt character on a journey of self-
discovery. Nicholson has said it's his least
vain performance ever, but it doesn't
come close to Kathy Bates's fearless nude
hot tub appearance. Extras: Nine deleted
scenes and, most interesting, several open-
ing sequence test
films by director
‚Alexander Payne's
editing staff. In-
explicably, there
are no commen-
tary tracks. yvy

—B.M.

THE HOURS (2002) The ambitiously inter-
woven triptych of tales presents Virginia
Woolf (Nicole Kidman with a nose exten-
sion) contemplating suicide while writing
her novel Mrs. Dalloway, a Fifties house-
wife (Julianne Moore) who's reading
Woolf's classic and contemplating suicide,
and a contemporary editor (Meryl Streep)
throwing a party for a friend (Ed Harris)
who is contem-
plating suicide.
Extras: The ac-
tresses hold forth
on one of the
DVD's two com-
mentary tracks.
Wh —G.F

TERMINATOR 2: JUDGMENT DAY EX-

TREME EDITION (1991) Artisan has
trumped its previous T2: Judgment Day
Ultimate Edition DVD with this “extreme”
issue. Even owners of the earlier release
will be tempted, as little is duplicated. The
film has been retransferred using director
James Cameron's extended cut, improving
sound and image. Extras: A new docu-
mentary on T2's
impact on digital
effects, and the T2
FX Studio, vihich
enables you to re-
cast the T-1000
in your own like-
ness. УУУ —GF

tudy

[ FILM SCHOOL ]

This month's lesson: All you need to
know to watch French New Wave.

Genre genesis: The masthead for the
French magazine Cahiers du Cinéma
(Notebooks on Movies) boasted such for-
midable names as Francois Truffaut,
Jean-Luc Godard, Eric Rohmer and
Claude Chabrol—as critics, no less. Fed
up with bourgeois French films and in-
spired by American cinematic masters
such as Howard Hawks and Busby Berke-
ley, the pundits became directors, with
the mandate to make movies in which the
director was an auteur—the sole arbiter
of the meaning of the film. The influential
Nouvelle Vague movement began in the
Fifties, and before it petered out in the
mid-Sixties brought existentialism, leftist

а x
Breathless: Belmondo and Seberg.

politics, a soupcon of German expres-
Sionism and an unflinching portrayal of
sex to its mise-enscene, Not to mention
about a milion cigarettes.

Techniques: These directors broke rules
by taking cameras off tripods, eschewing
studios for locations and emphasizing
gritty reality. Among the cornerstones:
Le Beau Serge (1958), The 400 Blows
(1959; no, not that kind of blow), Cléo de
5 à 7 (1962), Paris Belongs to Us uo
and Breathless (1960).

The Gift (2000) is a weltdone suspense
thriller, but it isn't just Cate Blanchett's nu-
anced portrayal of a clairvoyant sucked
into a murder investigation or director.
Sam Raimi's gothic atmospherics that
make it worthwhile. Near the film's de-
ovement, spectacularly nubile Katie
Holmes, the village punchboard, is con-
fronted by her jealous fiancé, and for
a few blessed-
ly gratuitous mo-
ments (at time
marker 1:37 or
so) we see her
wearing nothing
but d

aq, y
Qm,

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[ REEFER MADNESS*ERIC SCHLOSSER |

It's the shadow economy, stupid.

From guys selling fake Rolexes on the street
corner to teenagers pirating CDs on the In-
ternet, America’s black market economy is
booming. Reefer Madness illuminates the
most lucrative aspects of the shadow econ-
omy—illegal immigrant labor, pornography
and marijuana. One example? “Marijuana is
and has long been the most widely used
illegal drug in the U.S.," Schlosser writes.
“More than 2 million Americans smoke it
every day. Unlike heroin or cocaine, which
must be imported, anywhere from a quarter
to half of the marijuana used in the U.S. is
grown here as well. The value of America's
annual marijuana crop? Plausible estimates
start at $4 billion and range up to $25 bil-
lion." Reefer Madness reveals the hypocrisy
of a society in which big business often prof-
its from the industries it publicly abhors, and
that punishes a man more harshly for sell
ing marijuana than for shooting someone.
(Houghton Mifflin) ¥¥¥ —Alison Prato

PERSUADER * Lee Child

The secret to writing a great scene: Start
in the middle of the action, then leave the
reader hanging. Child has coupled that
formula to a razor-sharp style and crafted
seven perfect thrillers. One press clip
boasted that he's “the best thriller writer
you're probably not reading—yet.” Time

==> to start. Jack Reacher, his hero, is a for-
= Í mer military policeman with a knack for

landing in sticky situations. This story
kicks off with a kidnapping and quickly es-
calates to a cop killing. The villains are
drug dealers, or maybe worse. Good
thing Reacher is well — — —

versed in firearms and || EE CHILD |
strategy—just the guy |

to fight his way out of a © |

342-page read. Think

cret ones are
enly displayed.

justas important as the ones that are

Die Hard without the
smirk. (Delacorte) ux
—James R. Petersen

Sex, Drugs, and Cheap Labor in the American

GHETTO CELEBRITY = Donnell Alexander
Told through a narrative with comic strips,
this graphic memoir recounts the author's
early experiences with rap and gangs in
an Ohio ghetto. The best parts lampoon
his absent father, who was a heroin ad-
dict, pimp, devout Muslim and James

worth examining because of the way fortunes are made
there, lives are often ruined there, and the vicissitud

of the law can deem one man a gangster or a chi
executive (or both). if the market does indeed embod

the sum of all human wishes, then

Black Market. what happens in the black market is
— ERIC SCHLOSSER, suitor ot Fast

TRUE BELIEVERS» Joe Queenan

This hilarious collection of essays, subti-
tled "The Tragic Inner Life of Sports Fans,"
explores why otherwise sensible people
surrender their emotional health to the
fortunes of their favorite sports teams.
Queenan suspects the phenomenon is
mostly male, postulating that the only com-
parable female pursuit is the fanatic acqui-
sition of footwear. Recurrent themes in-
clude pathological behavior provoked by
Such perennial losers as the Red Sox, the

Brown impersonator, among other things.
As Alexander grew up, he tried to follow in
his dad's footsteps but found he didn't

Bills and the Suns. He's not immune to fan-
dom. He just wants us to grow up a lit-
tle. Some of his rules: “Never act like have the heart for it. Once, after smoking
you're having a good time at preseason PCP, he instinctually knew how to break-
games." "Be grateful for dance; after he crashed,
what you've got, even if | he could barely remem-
you have nothing." "Wear ber how to walk. Ghet-
the hat right, doofus." to's style is a quirky
With Queenan's help, Blimpse into hip-hop cul-
there's hope we can man- ture before it even had
age our affliction. (Henry а name. (Crown) viv

Holt) ¥¥¥¥ —John Rezek —fatty Lamberti

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF THE UNITED
STATES ARMED FORCES
On a single day, 125 photographers cap-
tured a candid look at military life. To a
cynic, these results may have all the
charm of a slick recruitment campaign.
But now that the war is real—it wasn't
when these sometimes heroic, some-
times mundane im-
ages were shot—
there is a poi-
gnancy in looking
at a standard-
issue day short-
ly before all hell
breaks loose. (Har-
per Collins) ¥¥¥
—Jarrett Banks

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF
THE UNITED STATES

ARMED FORCES

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STEVE-O'S TEN COMMANDMENTS

On Playboy TV's hidden-camera show
Totally Busted, Steve-O—Jackass’ most
unhinged jackass—is part of a squad that
plays sexually charged pranks on unsus-
pecting victims. “So many hot chicks
want to do irresponsible things,” Steve-
O says of his targets. "It's a natural rcla-
tionship." Now, more wisdom from a
guy who staples his scrotum to his leg:
(1) Thou Shalt Not КШ... Fewer Than
5000 Brain Cells a Day.

"A day in my life means sex, drugs and
rock. Binging makes me motivated and
irrational. I jumped off the Tower of
London Bridge full of narcotics and Jack
Daniel's. I don't like when chicks don't
do drugs—it bums me out."

(2) Thou Shalt Not Take Bozo the
Clown's Name in Vain.

"When I worked as a circus clown, I
learned how to eat glass and chew light-
bulbs. The trick is, wait—I'm not gonna
tell you how to eat glass. That's retarded.
I'm not looking to share the spotlight, so
don't copy my fucking stunts."

(3) Thou Shalt Give the Crowd What
They Paid For.

"Every night on tour, I had to pull out
my equipment and staple my ball sack to
my leg. Skynyrd isn't going to do a show
without playing Free Bird, you know?"

STEVE-O'S FRIDGE:
THE ESSENTIALS

1. Clamato. I love Clamato. And I'm to-
tally into steamed clams. Sometimes you
can get them frozen so you can re-

heat them.

2. Pickled Onion-Flavored Mon-
ster Munch. In England, they
have this stuff, kind of like
potato chips, that totally rules.
3. Wishbone Robusto Italian | AMATO

э.

dressing. Dude—this is my fa-
vorite. | put it on everything.

(4) Honor Thy Father Until He Jeopar-
dizes Your Manhood.

“My dad suggested that I have pro
soccer players kick balls at me while I
balanced a ladder on my head. In the in-
terest of protecting my penis, I said no.”
(5) Keep Holy Thy Hole.

“In Jackass: The Movie, 1 turned down
a stunt for the first time. They wanted
me to shove a Matchbox car up my butt.
I told my dad about it, and the way he
said, ‘Oh, по, made me pass.”

(6) Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neigh-
bor’s Clearasil.

"I got this whitehead on my lip when I
worked on the movie Blind Horizon. 1 re-
fused makeup so I could show it off."
(7) Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery.

“If I acted on every sexual opportuni-
ty that came my way, I'd have herpes in a
week. I'm keeping my wiener safe for a
certain girl right now. No sex with other
chicks. Maybe I'll masturbate on them."
(8) Thou Shalt Keep Thy Big, Fat,
Stoned Mouth Shut.

“My roommate got a DUI without
drinking alcohol. The cop said, ‘Are you
under the influence?’ He goes, “To be
honest, I've been smoking weed.’ I'm
like, ‘Why'd you tell him that? It’s not
like you have anything illegal in the car!"
(9) Thou Shalt Not Scream Like a Girl.

“In the stunt "Unwrapping the Wiener
Mummy,' I put tape around my cock
and ripped it off. Awesome!"

alee
av ‘Awa rds
ny Knoxville.

(10) Thou Shalt Not Steal—Unless It's
Captured for Posterity.

"Obscurity scares me. My motivation
is historical significance. I never said I
want to die on camera, or that I would
plan my death for the purpose of the
footage, but if 1 accidentally die, fuck
yeah, I want it on tape."

—Totally Busted airs every Sunday at
8:00 pm. Eastern and 10:00 pm. Pacific.

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FIVE VACATIONS THAT WON'T
BUST YOUR BUDGET

We get thousands of e-mails a week at
Playboy.com. À note from a less-than-
wealthy college kid hoping to surf some-
where other than the Internet this sum-
mer got us thinking: When you barely
have enough cash to buy a round at the
bar, vacationing anywhere but the mall
seems like a pipe dream. Before you set-
Ue for Cinnabons and shoplifting, check
out our list of the world’s sexiest yet
most inexpensive destinations. And send
us a postcard, you cheap bastard.

Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam Once a war-
torn hellhole, the former Saigon is now
budget-traveler heaven with beaches,
nearby mountains and a bustling night-
life. With a currency called dong, how
can you resist? By day: Hike on the Ho
Chi Minh Trail. By night: Down a few at
Bar No. 5 and Tex Mex. Where to crash:
the Pham Ngu Lao area at the western
end of District One.

Shanghai, China There are more Star-
bucks than opium dens in Shanghai
these days, but “the Paris of China” still
offers a mix of Asian and European flair.
By day: Huaihai Lu in Frenchtown is
especially cool with its tree-lined streets,
cafes and bars. By night: Take a twilight.
tour on the Huangpu River. Where to
crash: Captain Hostel.

Austin, Texas Think New Orleans mi-
nus the beads—a town that bumps with
neohippies, slackers and punks, down-
home grub and nonstop music. By day:
Bike, swim or hike at Zilker Park. By

Where to go when you're low on flow? Try Austin (right), the hip-
ster music copitol of the world, thanks to its South by Southwest
Music Festival. Far right: Is Kraköw, with its historic buildings
ond plentiful booze, the next Progue? Below: We liked Shang-
hai nights before Owen Wilson jumped on the bandwagon.

night: Watch the bats take flight from
beneath the Congress Avenue Bridge.
Where to crash: the Austin Motel.

Kraköw, Poland The only Polish city that
wasn't ravaged by war boasts one of the
most scenic European cityscapes. By day:
Wawel Castle for its sword collec-
tion. By might: Booze it up at Singer Pub,
decorated with vintage sewing machines.
Where to crash: Hotel Saski.

CYBER GIRL OF THE MONTH

bus
arilyn Monroe. It to

Quito, Ecuador Quito offers views
of green mountains, snowcapped vol-
canoes and—most important—raven-
haired Latinas. By day: Meals star
though local fare may not do it for you—
cuy is whole roasted guinea pig. By night:
Wednesday is ladies’ night at San Anto-
nio de Cabeza—the perfect pickup spot

Where to crash: A budget hotel on La
Ronda. (To learn more, see the full fea-
ture at Playboy.com.)

COUNTDOWN TO THE 50TH

say what? jimmy's lust redux

The Playbay Inter-
view has long been a
forum for newsmak-
ing statements by
movers and shakers,
and the most shock-
ing may have been
presidential candi-
date Jimmy Carter's
confession, “| have
looked on a lot of
women with lust. I've
committed adultery
in my heart many
times.” In honor of
ovr 50th anniversary,
Playboy.com is post-
ing audio clips from
history's most incen-
diary interviews. Go
online and listen up.

“1 have
looked on
a lot of
women
with lust."

Jamie Ireland is a
freelance writer in
the areas of sex,
fitness, romance.
and travel.

OWER LUNCH

healt

| The inside story on |
|

Learning “The Ropes’...

"Герой t gota lerer from a

reader in Texas, abouta “little
secret" that has made her love life with her
husband absolutely explosive. (Those
Texans know their stuff, let me tell you.)

а writes:

Dear Jamie,

Last month, my husband returned from
a business trip in Europe and he was
hotter than ever before. The power and
sexual energy that he suddenly had was
even more than when we first started
making love almost 10 years ago! It was
incredible. He flat wore me out! And
the best part of ir all — he was having
multiple orgasms. I know what you're
thinking, men don't have multiples.
That's what I thought too, but trust
me, he was and his newfound passion
and vigor was such an incredible turn-on
to me also, that before we knew it we
were both basking in the glow of the
best sex of our lives.

We'd tried tantric stuff in the past and
the results were so-so. Bur this was
something new and exciting, completely,
out of the ordinary. After a few days,
Tasked my husband what had created
such a dramatic change in our lovemaking,
and he told me he'd finally learned

"the ropes."

On the last night of his business trip, my
husband spent an cvening dining out

with a Swedish nutritionist and his wife of
nearly 20 years. The couple was obviously
still quite enamored with each other,
so my husband asked their secret. ‘The
nutritionist told him their sex life was
more passionate than ever. Then he pulled

hy sex

by Jamie Ireland.

asmall bottle from his satchel and gave it
to my husband. The bottle contained a
iral supplement chat the nutritionist
told my husband would teach him “the
ropes” of good sex.

My husband takes this supplement every
day. The supply from the nutritionist is
about to run cut, and we desperately
want to know how we can find more.
Do you know anything about “the
ropes” and can you tell us how we can
find it in the States?

Sincerely,
Tina C.
Ft. Worth, Texas

"pus you and the rest of our reade
re in luck, because it just so happens
Ido know about “the ropes," and the
supplement your husband's Swedish
friend likely shared.

"The physical contractions and fluid
release during male orgasm can be
multiplied and intensified by a product
called Ogóplex Pure Extract™. Irs a
supplement that will most certainly trigger
much longer and stronger orgasmi
experiences in men. The best part, from

a woman' perspective, is chat the motion
and experience a man can achieve with

Ogóplex Pure Extract can help stimulare
her own orgasms, bringing a whole new
meaning to the term simultaneous climax!

"The term used by the Swedish nutritionist
is actually fairly common slang throughout
Europe for the effect your husband
experienced. The enhanced contractions
and heightened orgasmic release are
often referred to as ropes because of the
rope-like effect of release during climax.
In other words, as some people have
said, “it just keeps coming and coming.”

As for finding it in the states, I know
of just one importer, Böland Naturals,
Inc. If you are interested, you can
contact them at 1-866-OGOPLEX
or Ogoplex.com. Ogöplex tablets are
pure flower seed extract and are safe to
take. All the people Pve spoken with have
said taking the once-daily tablet has led
to the roping effect Tina described in
her letter.

Aren't you glad you asked?

е thon)

Jamie Ireland

Individual results may vary.

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The Mini—Minus a Top

What do poporozzi and auta industry spy photographers have in camman? Both will da anything ta catch the latest model going topless
Ace spy shooter Brenda Priddy cought this block 2004 Mini Cooper convertible undergoing severe-weather testing in narthern Sweden.
(The red version, above, is a phota and art mock-up.) "Even in the caldest part of winter,” Priddy soys, “the best places ta catch protatype
cars are fast-food and drive-in restaurants. Test crews have to eat.” Turning the Mini Cooper and its mare powerful brather, the Mini
Cooper S, into convertibles was o na-brainer. The snug-fitling tap drops in secands (we'll bet it’s going ta be powered) for open-air fun.
We wanted to know more, but the Mini Cooper people weren't talking—except ta admit that the spy shots show “a pretty damn goad-
looking car." They have onnaunced o new 200 hp Jahn Cooper Works package far S models that includes an uprated cylinder head and
supercharger, special elecironics and a high-performance exhaust. The package con be retrofitted to S cars that ore already on the road
(The upgrade will probably cost about $5000.) As for the canvertible—laak far it in mid-2004, if not sooner.

Chef's Choice

Remember when Survivor was
in Australia o few years aga?
Keith Famie, o chef fram
Michigan, finished third, but
that didn’t slack his thirst far
exotic travel or eating weird
cuisine an TV. Keith Fomie’s
Adventures an the Food
Network toak him oll aver

the world, and naw his most
exotic culinary discoveries are
collected in You Really Haven‘t
Been There Until You've Eaten
the Food. The South Pacific,
Africa, Mexico and Jamaica
are same of the places where
Fomie has chawed down.
Pictured here is Durbon
spiced shrimp, a Sauth
African dish that's jazzed up with coriander, cumin, turmeric and
cloves. Serve it ta your date with Cape Malay mashed potatoes
ond a bottle of cold Tusker beer, Mr. International Guy.

(Clarksan Patter, $32.50 in bookstores.)

The Wright Time

It was 100 years ago that
Wilbur ond Orville Wright
made their first powered
flight at Kitty Hawk, North
Carolina. Haw time flies!
To commemorate the his-
toric event, Breitling has
introduced an 1B-karat-
inding watch,
lont 1903.
Think the watch face
looks funky? The
beaded bezel is an ex-
ad replica of the one
used on the first
chronographs
equipped with circular
slide rules. The
watch's price, which
depends on the band you choose (leather, sharkskin or metal),
starts at $11,620, which is probably 10 times what it cost the
Wright brothers to build their plane, but, then again, Orville
only stayed in the air for 12 seconds. If you're nat a flush fly-
boy, o steel version begins ot $3700. Flyer 1, the brothers’ first
Plane, is depicted on the back of the watch.

Ê dine, who's starring in

Clothesline: =
David Carradine

He moy be a hippie at
heart, but when it comes
а to fashion, David Carra-
77 the upcoming Quentin
Tarantino martial orts
film Kill Bill, has a more
formal attitude. "You
will never see me in a
restaurant in shirt-
sleeves. | always wear a
jacket. My father [actor
John Carradine] was on
old-fashioned guy. He
had a certain elegance,
which I inherited. | have
a number of Proda and
Armani items, and I also
like Hawaiian shirts. Once, when I was in Hawaii, | found a
store that was reissuing classic ones that I'd seen in movies. |
bought the reissue of the shirt Montgomery Clift wore in From
Here to Eternity. 1 never throw anything away. | have oll kinds
of clathes left over fram the Sixties. Quentin sent his wardrabe
people aver to raid my closet for Kill Bill."

All Aboard for Luxury

Given the state of the world, cocktails and a candlelit
dinner in a gently swaying diner cor sure beat airline
mystery meat in a claustrophobic caach seat. Luxurious
foreign and domestic train trips are gathering steam,
inviting you to climb aboard well-appointed vintage
trains and watch the Canadian Rockies, the Swiss Alps or
even South American jungles roll past in style. These
aren't overnight junkets: One through Peru takes 13
days, and a Trans-Siberian journey chugs you acrass Rus-
sia by private train in 15 days for anly $4500. Some trips
are tailored to a speciol interest—sightseeing, golfing
and fly-fishing excursians are offered in Canoda. The
experts at Rail Travel Center in Putney, Vermont can help
| cut the red tape in baoking, and they stock catalogs for

| all the trips. Go to railtravelcenter.com for information.

The Perfect time...

® To buy gasoline—particularly in the summer: Early in the
morning, because gasoline expands as its temperature ris-
es, so you get less for your money if you gas up when the
sun is high. Another way to beat the cost of gasoline: Go to
gespricewatch.com to search for the best price in ony loca-
tion. * To fly to avoid air-travel delays: Between seven and
eight A.M. The worst deloys generally occur on flights that
depart between

lote afternoon and

eorly evening. Al-

though stotistics

vary by airline

and by airport,

early-morning do-

mestic flights typi-

cally deport and

orrive on schedule

(within 15 min-

utes) more than

90 percent of the

time. Just like at

the doctor's office,

as problems accrue throughout the doy the waiting time
grows. If you have a choice, don’t fly on Thursdoys or on
Fridays, the days when delays are most likely. Saturdays
ore especially good for on-time arrivols. ® To install air-
conditioning: Early September through mid-October. The
cost of installing a system climbs with the mercury, bu!

you can tough it out this summer you can get o bargain in
the fall, when prices for central air drop os much as 30
percent and instollers aren't as busy. Cool, huh?

WHERE AND HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 139.

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Gillette? The Bost a Man Can Get“

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ihe Playboy Advisor

| have a device in my car that supposed-
ly jams police radar. I've heard that I
could be charged with obstruction of jus-
tice if a cop catches me with it. Is that
true?—S.A., El Paso, Texas

Yes, but in most states that will happen
only if a state trooper makes a federal case of
it. Jamming or attempting to jam a police
speed gun has been a federal crime since
1997, but the feds don't enforce the law.
State troopers in Florida and Ohio are the
most aggressive about initiating obstruction
charges, and California, Minnesota, Nebras-
ka, North Carolina, Oklahoma, Utah, Vii
ginia and Washington, D.C. have jammer
bans of their own. The larger problem might
be finding a jammer that actually worl
you can buy legal defusers that foil some la-
ser guns, but any product that claims to block
radar is probably bogus. Carl Fo
Measurement Laboratories, which
ucts for police agencies, says the latest police
laser guns have such short bursts that they're
invisible to jammers or detectors.

My girlfriend lives with her parents but
spends 28 days of the month at my place.
I have no problem with that, but when-
ever І ask her to help with the bills, she
gets angry. She says I make her feel like
an intruder, What should I do?—M.!
Little Rock, Arkansas

Ask her to move in only two more
days a month. That may be the source of her
hostility. But be careful. If you can't gel to-
gether on the bills, it doesn't speak well for
your future together. Money is the root of all
evil arguments.

How deep is the average vagina? If you
were to slide a yardstick into a wom-
an, how far would it go?—C.C., Grand
Ledge, Michigan

The ones we've measured have been about.
four inches. But we used our tongue.

Ї got an e-mail that promised to reveal
the location of the male G spot for $25.
My husband is chomping at the bit. Is
there such a spot and how do we find
it?—M.E., San Ramon, California

Save your money. The male G spot, better
known as the prostate gland, is a mystical
place bencath your husband's balls. To find
it, insert your index finger about 1.5 inches
into his anus and make a come-hither mo-
tion against the front wall of his rectum. He
may have had a doctor do this during an ex-
am, but it's quite a different sensation when
you're highly aroused, the finger belongs to
your wife and insurance companies aren't
involved. Suzi Godson, in The Sex Book, of-
fers further instruction, Have your husband
lie on his back. While stroking his cock, press
gently but firmly on the area between his

balls and anus to stimulate the prostate from
the outside. As you slide your latex-gloved,
lubed finger into his anus, his sphincter will
twitch. This may feel uncomfortable for your
husband, but after about 30 seconds the
spasms will stop. Caress his prostate gently.
He may feel the urge to urinate (but won't).
If he can speak, ask him what motions feel
best. As he approaches orgasm, his sphincter
will tighten and the gland will swell. Be-
cause it supplies part of the fluid that makes
up his come, the gland will contract as he
ejaculates. When you remove your finger,
your husband will deflate.

M, girlfriend and I were watching a TV
show in which two guys were standing at
urinals with privacy screens. She asked if
the urinals at my job had screens, When
I told her that they didn't, she wanted
to know which of my co-workers were
“hung like horses.” A few months later
she was talking about an ex-boyfriend
and said he was “huge.” When I asked
her how huge had felt, she said, “Differ-
ent.” I said, “So, not good?" She said, “I
didn't say that.” Another time she told
me her fayorite position was from be-
hind because it made me feel so big.
When we have sex, I can't help but think
she might be having a better time if I
were larger. Why is she saying these
things?—R.W., Las Vegas, Nevada

Your girlfriend may be a size queen, but
we doubt it. You'd already be history. She
more likely fantasizes about being “filled up”
once in a while. That's common. It doesn't
mean she's unsatisfied with your standard is-
suc—only the first few inches of the vagina
have nerve endings. Look at it this way: Do
you ever fantasize about monster tits? Does

ILLUSTRATION BY ISTVAN BANYA

the fact that your girlfriend's breasts may be
smaller make the sex or the relationship less
fulfilling? We hope not. You can gnash your
teeth about this or use it to explore. If a porn-
star penis is a turn-on, provide one. We're
not talking about surgery but rather a three-
inch latex extender available at sex-toy shops
that fits over the head of your penis and has
а nice collection of bumps to stimulate her.
A similar extension made of CyberSkin can
add 1.5 inches to your length and girth. Not
every guy is man enough to wear a sleeve,
but the ones who do are oflen surprised by
the sounds they hear. Have fun. As most
women will tell you, a large penis doesn't
add up to much if the guy is a jerk. Your cack
scores bonus points by being attached to you.

Does a person actually need to drink
eight glasses of water a day? I tried it for
a week and felt like a fish.—L.P., San
Francisco, California

The thinking among nutritionists is that
coffee, soda, fruit juices and milk can each
be counted toward that eight-glass guideline
if consumed in moderation (e.g., score a 12-
ounce coffee as six ounces of water; alcohol,
unfortunately, is a zero). The best gauge of
hydration isn't glasses or thirst but the color
of your urine. It should be pale or clear.

A friend's recently divorced sister-in-
law, whom Гуе never met, is apparently
open to the idea of us being fuck bud-
dies. Is this weird? I'd be going on a
blind date with the expectation of sex.—
M.D., Chicago, Illinois

You know how women are—it's always
sex, sex, sex. See how il goes, but don't put
out until you know her better:

How much cologne is too much?—S.C.,
Columbus, Ohio

We could smell it on your letter. That's too
much. The best advice we've heard is, “Spray
enough thal people know you're there, bul
not enough that they know you're coming.
If you're using a standard bottle, don't
splash. That happens only in commercials.
Instead, apply a dab on one or both wrists,
and/or the neck. Some guys also add a dab to
their thighs, chest or back, for that all-over
freshness. With spray bottles, limit yourself
lo two spritzes.

Last year my wife and I began swapping
with another couple. When my wife
fucks the other guy, she has more and
stronger orgasms. She is also less inhibit-
ed. When we have sex, I do most of the
work. My wife claims that her behavior is
due to the “newness” of the situation.
She says our sex life is good and that she
doesn't want to change a thing. But now
that I've seen what she's capable of. I'm 49

thinking I should call off the swap. Is this
just a common risk of swinging or is
there a corrective action I can take?—
S.V., Lakewood, Ohio

Many guys who have the opportunity are
surprised to see how differeutly their wives
react when they're with someone else. The
best explanation: Your wife is enjoying her
fantasy of being with a relative stranger,
whereas Ihe sex in a long-term relationship
tends to be more comfortable (sometimes loo
comfortable). Your wife also is being shown
hard evidence that a stranger finds her de-
sirable, which will perk up anyone's interes
If you're uncomfortable with the swap, sus-
pend it. No matter what, you need to make
sex as a couple less predictable. Arrange 10
share a few private fantasies—something
ош of the ordinary but perhaps as simple as
a blindfold—and see what reaction you gel.

М, new girlfriend has genital warts. Al-
though she has not had an outbreak in
some time, is it still possible for me to get
them? Also, can they be transmitted to
my hands or mouth?—N.S., Los Ange-
les, California

Some types of genital warts are invisible to
the naked eye, so transmission is always pos-
sible. Condoms are recommended but not al-
ways effective because they may not cover all
injected areas. Warts rarely show up near
Ihe mouth, so oral sex is considered low-risk.
The type of warts you get on other parts of
your body, such as your hands, are caused by
a different virus that does not appear to be
transferable to or from the genitals.

| find it arousing to see or hear a woman
walk in loud shoes. I also love to hear
them tap-dance. Is this normal? —J.F,
Houston, Texas

It's uncommon. In his online history of
foot sex, podiatrist Cameron Kippen of Cur-
tin University in Australia references a case
“in which a man reached orgasm by follow-
ing women whose shoes creaked (known as
acousticophilia, or arousal from sound). It
was thought the origins of the association re-
lated to an early experience having standing
sex on a staircase—his partner's shoes had
creaked with each thrusting.” This may be
impossible, bui you need to find a woman
who likes to wear new shoes.

A friend introduced me to a woman
who works as an escort. | used her ser-
vices several times and we developed
a nonpaying sexual relationship and
friendship. I am falling hard for her, and
she has expressed the same feelings for
me. My question is, in a relationship like
this, will she expect fidelity?—E.S., Los
Angeles, California

Why wouldn't she?

lam in my mid-40s and my girlfriend is
in her early 50s. During sex, she refuses
to do anything but lie there. She won't
even touch my cock. She says, “None of

50 my other lovers needed extra stimula-

tion. It should be enough just to look
at me. Have you had your testosterone
levels checked?” She has had fewer than
10 lovers in her life, while I have had
100. As you can imagine, oral sex is out.
of the question. Do you have any sugges-
tons?—T.S., St. Paul, Minnesota

Has your girlfriend been dating eunuchs?
We find it hard to believe that her past lov-
ers functioned in bed without her hand (or
mouth) being involved. She needs counsel-
ing. Given her vanity, you probably shouldn't
wait around for that to happen.

| began having an affair with a friend.
Now we're divorcing our spouses to be
together. What is the probability that
we'll end up cheating on each other?—
G.T, Detroit, Michigan

Hard to say. Your relationship may be
stronger than either of those that you're leav-
ing. But given your history, you may always
have doubts,

Sometimes my girlfriend's leg twitches
as she falls asleep. It always startles me.
What causes и? —М.Е., Stowe, Vermont

The twitches are known as hypnic jerks.
It's not clear what causes them; your girl-
friend's body may be reacting to the mistaken
belief that she's falling rather than simply
falling asleep. A more serious problem is ре
riodic limb movement disorder, which is
when a person's legs or arms jerk at regular
intervals, sometimes for hours, after he or
she has [allen asleep. Some people never re-
alize it occurs until their partners complain.
The condition is relieved with the same drugs
used to treat Parkinson's disease.

My wife, her sister and I were sharing
our hot tub when my sister-in-law of-
fered to give me a massage afterward,
something she’s done before. But this
time, when I rolled over, I had an erec-
tion. My sister-in-law laughed and said,
“Do you want me to handle this?” My
wife smiled and shrugged. So my sister-
in-law dribbled baby oil into her hand,
pulled my bathing suit aside and began
stroking my cock. When I came, the
women hooted like schoolgirls. Later
Т asked my wife about this and she re-
plied: “You think too much. It was a
spur-of-the-moment thing.” Why did
she let her sister give me a hand job?—
J.C., Buffalo, New York

Your wife is right. You think too much.
Just keep that hot tub ready.

| asked my boyfriend to go down on me.
It was his first time and he didn't do a
good job. Is there a way to tell him how
to do it without barking commands dur-
ing sex? Also, just to be sure I know,
what exactly is the right way?—C.L.,
New York, New York

The best way to find the right way is to ex-
periment with his tongue. To do that, you're
going lo have to open your oum mouth. You
can provide more than enough instruction

with six words: left, right, up, down, harder,
softer. Before your boyfriend descends, lick
the inside of his wrist in the same way you'd
like to have him work your clit. If he still has
trouble, ask him to spell out the alphabet
with the tip of his tongue around your clit
then do it backward. If you prefer certain let-
ters (or a certain alphabet), let him know.
He'll still need practice, but who doesn't?

My girlfriend insists that any damp tow-
el that contains my ejaculate will damage
her hardwood floor. She says that an en-
zyme in semen eats into the finish. Could
this possibly be true?—M.P, Appleton,
Wisconsin

This wouldn't be a concern if she swal-
lowed. A wet towel could damage her floor,
but it has nothing to do with its semen con-
tent. Buy her a rug, or a hamper. Or pick up
a tub of mango or vanilla Pleasure Wipes
(a.k.a. Cum-Kleen), which are larger and
thicker than baby wipes. Phone 866-286-
5536 for a sample.

Three years ago I was in a relationship
with a woman who did not want chil-
dren. She told me that in order to show
my commitment to the relationship 1
should get a vasectomy. Two years lat-
er she left me. Do I have any legal re-
course?—A.B., Sterling, Colorado

No. But you may have medical recourse.
Vasectomies have been reversed as long as 30
years after the procedure. About 60 percent
of men who have microsurgery to reconnect
the vas deferens produce children.

М, wife's best friend is a man. They
grew up together and had a couple of
intimate moments but never dated. He
lives in California. When she e-mails him
she begins with a “Hey, baby” and ends
with “Love, your girl.” This makes me
uncomfortable. We call each other baby
and I thought she was my girl, legally
and emotionally. 1 haven't asked her to
stop because 1 don't know if I'm blowing
this out of proportion. She wants to fly to
‘alifornia to spend a week wi
whom she hasn't seen in 10 yeai
help.—C.G., Atlanta, Georgia

You're right to be suspicious. It's OK for
your wife's best friend to be a guy, as long as
that guy is you. You can't stop her from going
to California, or flirting with her old buddy,
but you can let her know it’s damaging her
marriage. Then she'll decide.

the guy,

Please

All reasonable questions—from fashion, food
and drink, stereo and sports cars to dating
dilemmas, laste and etiquette—awill be person-
ally answered if the writer includes a self-ad-
dressed, stamped envelope. The most provoca-
live, pertinent questions will be presented in
these pages each month. Write the Playboy Ad-
visor, PLAYBOY, 680 North Lake Shore Drive,
Chicago, Illinois 60611, or send e-mail by
visiting playboyadvisor.com.

THE PLAYBOY FORUM

is this what it means to be embedded?

| hile the technology of war

has changed over the de-

W cades, one thing remains
constant: When our soldiers go over-
scas, they take part of America with
them. In the Vietnam era, Gls car-
ried PLAYBOY
in their packs
(left) and they
flocked to see
the Playmates
who accom-
panied USO
tours. In both
Persian Gulf
wars, Opera-
tion Playmate
reached out
to soldiers. To-
day's coverage
brings the war
into our living
rooms, but it is
a more traditional medium—that of
the girl next door—that maintains
the connection with the home front.

Lance Corporal Brett Mair wrote to tell us that his April issue arrived missing 32
pages (i.e., most of Carmen Electra). The image below, widely circulated on
the Internet, shaws an unidentified GI with co-pilot Centerfold Jennifer Walcott.

cople ask what drug decrimi-
P nalization would look like. We

already know. In 1937 Con-
gress passed the Marijuana Tax Act,
which required dealers to affix tax
stamps to their product. The Su-
preme Court overturned the law in
1969, but by one count 17
states have statutes of their
own requiring anyone pos-
sessing illegal drugs to
buy and attach tax stamps.
‘The idea may sound corny

(most drug stamps are sold to collec-
tors), but prosecutors insist that it's an
eHective weapon. Because tax evasion
is a civil infraction, authorities have a
lesser burden of proof and can seize
assets without a court order to pay
delinquent taxes and penalties. In

PRODUGER OF MAR
REGISTRY NUMBI

YO! po en
CONTROL OR ADDRESS, NOTIFY COLLECTOR IMMEDIATELY

Minnesota that amounts to $3.50 per
gram of marijuana and $200 per
gram of narcotics, plus a 100 percent
penalty. In Iowa it’s $5 per gram of
marijuana, $750 per plant, $250 per
gram of narcotics or $400 per 10 dos-
es if the drug isn't sold by weight.
North Carolina courts
have collected $68 mil-
lion in fines since 1990
from suspects caught
with illegal drugs that
hadn't been stamped.

} E HLL,

е
] ESTATE or ARIZONA

MASSACHUSETTS ©”
| DEPARTMENT OF REVENUE
CONTROLLED SUBSTANCES TAX

MARUUAM.

„иан $3.50 a

ANA

flm...

[00706 +

spam yet, chances are you will be

soon. Analysts who have charted
the growth of e-mail believe that this
year, for the first time, more junk
e-mail may be sent than legitimate
messages. Farlier this ycar, America
Online reported it had blocked a
lion spams in a single day.

As the creator of spamprimer.com,
1 take more than the usual precau-
tions to keep my in box free of clutter.
Yet about 250 junk e-mails manage
to slip through my e-mail filters in
a typical week. In addition to of-
fers to enlarge my penis, refi-
nance my home, make my sep-
tic tank flow freely, lose weight
with a miracle bread diet, save
my soul, buy herbal scx pills
and access porn, spammers
promise to help me steal cred-
itcard numbers, exact swift re-
venge, get rich quick (through
spamming!) and buy cocaine,
ganja, child porn and guns.

It's a cat-and-mouse game
Companies release new and im-
proved filtering software, and
spammers test it and make ad-
justments to ensure that their
dreck can get through. The
most common methods to get
junk past filters are to change
the spellings of trigger words (e.g.,
Viagra becomes Vi@gra, porn be-
comes p.o.r.n.) or use misleading sub-
ject lines (“Your account is due" or “I
have your coat").

When spam first became a problem
in the mid-Nineties, many people
suggested regulation. The chief
geeks, fearful of the federal govern-
ment overseeing any aspect of the
freewheeling Internet, promised Con-
gress they could defeat spam with
technology. If you make bulk e-mail
illegal, they said, spammers will sim-
ply send their junk from overseas. In

| f you haven't been bothered by

the meantime, the amount of spam
has exploded. AOL has said that as
much as 30 percent of its e-mail serv-
er time at any given moment is ded-
icated to handling junk (and that
was six years ago). Brightmail, a San
Francisco company that sells blocking
software, estimates that 40 percent of
all e-mail is spam (up from 8 percent
in late 2001) and that 80 percent of it
falls into three categories: 20 percent
is solicitations for porn or personal-
ad sites, 34 percent is
designed to market
products (e.g.,
long-distance

services, spy cams) and 26 percent
consists of come-ons for loans, real es-
tate or cheap stocks

The Net is under siege. ISPs have
spent millions—perhaps billions—of
dollars to update their servers to han-
dle the load, and to add bandwidth.
Brightmail says that nearly 6.5 mil-
lion spam attacks occurred in Febru-
ary alone. The costs are passed on.
One study estimated that $2 to $3 of
cach person's monthly bill for access
goes to handling the deluge.

Some people argue that spam is
protected by the First Amendment.
Wrong. Spam is conduct, not speech.
Besides the fact that nearly all spam is
commercial (speech designed to sell
you something is afforded less protec-
tion), spamming is the equivalent of a
“denial-of-service” attack against net-
works and their users. And the spam-
mers are relentless. Even if a system
operator rcjects attempts to use his
machines to deliver junk, the spam-
mers will continue their attacks.

Spamming is long overdue to be

added to the list of federal crimes (it's
already regulated in 26 states, al-
though the laws are mostly toothless).
Here's what 1 propose:
(1) I publish several e-mail
newsletters that are sent only
to people who request them
and confirm their request.
This is known as "double
opt-in." It should be the le-
gal requirement for anyone
sending bulk e-mail.

(2) Penalties for sending
spam must be significant: at
least $500 per message, the
same as an existing law that
bans junk faxes or requires

telemarketers to remove

you from their call list on
request. This would make
it more worthwhile to sue spam-
mers for damages.

(3) Forgery of the sender's name or
Internet address in a bulk e-mail
should be a felony. Spammers often
send their messages with the return
address of an innocent party, who
then sees his or her in box fill with
bounced e-mails and complaints.
Many innocents have had their on-
line businesses closed by their ISPs af-
ter being accused of spamming.

The geeks had their chance, and
they couldn't get the job done. It’s
time for Uncle Sam to step in.

R E

ALL ABOUT ATVS
We are one of the groups re-

sponsible for the report about
the dangers of all-terrain vehi
cles that James R. Petersen di
missed in "Safety Thugs" (The
Playboy Forum, April). One of his
more egregious errors is his
assertion that because ATV
sales have increased during the
past several years, the injury
rate per machine has gone
down. While an ATV safety re-
port that was released in Janu-
ary by the Consumer Product
Safety Commission accounted
for this growth in sales, the re-
port found no decrease in ATV
injury rates. In fact, the CPSC
reports that between the years
1997 through 2001, injuries
per 1000 ATVs increased by 46
percent.
tricians and orthopedic
surgeons will tell you that, un-
like with bicycles, many young
people simply do not have the
mental and physical skills to
control ATVs. As a result, the
toll on our nation’s youth has
been climbing dramatically for
nearly a decade, while the off-
road industry markets bigger,
faster and even more danger-
ous machines.

Sean Smith

Bluewater Network

San Francisco, California

Petersen's editorial misfired
like a badly tuned motor. ATVs
aren't simply injuring and killing chil-
dren. They harm adults too. Your core
readership is males 25 and older. They
experienced some of the most dramat-
ic increases in injuries—almost 200
percent over the last several years.
During this same time period, the
number of injuries sustained by drivers
25 and older did not increase as much.
1 take issue with another point. The
nearly 112,000 injuries caused by
ATVs in 2001 were serious enough to
require emergency room treatment—I
doubt most riders visit the hospital for
“finger cuts,” as Petersen so glibly sug-
gested. The information contained in
our report came from independent ex-
perts such as the Consumer Product
Safety Commission, physicians and re-
spected medical organizations, includ-
ing the American Academy of Pedi-

"It was a structure put up to assert male dom-
inance. It wasn't anyone's private property. It
was snow. Taking down a peni:
anyone's free speech. I think that women or.
men who are walking to class should not be sub-
jected to a penis.”

— Comments by one of tuo female undergrads at

Harvard who destroyed a nine-foot snow phallus
built by members of the crew team. Determined

male bystanders could not save the structure.

atrics. The facts they provided cannot
be easily dismissed.
Scott Kovarovics
Natural Trails and Waters Coalition
Washington, D.C.

Can we look forward to future arti-
cles in the Forum fighting to preserve
the rights of parents to keep choking
hazards accessible to curious infants, or
defending the "fun" race with s
at the annual preschool picnic? The
most natural thing in the world is to
want to protect your children. But
when some parents are missing that
gene, it’s OK for our government to
step in. Seeing kids airlifted from the
wilderness arca near my house would
be a horrible sight.

Tom Woodward
San Juan Capistrano, California

is not impeding

Not only do the earth muf-
fins exaggerate the dangers of
ATVs, they also claim that the
vehicles are too loud, pollute
the environment and destroy
land and wildlife. The reality is
that ATVs arrive from the fac-
tory with an under-93-decibels
sound level, meet or exceed
government EPA standards
and come with an instruction
manual similar to that ofan au-
tomobile. Maybe we should all
sell our ATVs and automobiles,
ride bicycles, live on solar pow-
er. quit our day jobs, smoke
marijuana, buy a pair of Birk-
enstocks and eat only organi-
cally grown foods. Would that
make everyone happy?

Joe Howell
Eugene, Oregon

James R. Petersen responds:
“The National Electronic Injury
Surveillance System collects data
from some 100 hospitals across the
country. The data bank tracks cer-
tain variables, among them age,
sex, location of injury, body part
harmed, product involved and
whether the patient was admitted
for further care. The number
crunchers extrapolate their dire pre-
dictions based on data from
173,000 to 375,000 cases a year
(only a tiny portion of which are
ATV-related). The bias is built in.
The government is convinced that a
visit to an emergency room ‘implies
a certain severity." Did anyone take
into account the possibility that dur-
ing a weekend sport, your local doctor's of-
fice is closed and the ER is your family
physician? The Ness has а 149-page cod-
ing system to track the product safety record
of everything from acetylene torches and
adult potty-chairs to yarn and zippers. Ac-
cording to the available data, between 13
percent and 16 percent of ATV accident vic-
tims spend the night in a hospital. This, we
are told, is between three and four limes the
rale for the average of all other products
tracked. So we will admit that ATV statistics
reflect a higher risk than the aggregate of
yarn injuries and adult potty-chair acci-
dents. Also, the report notes that the 2001
injury rate was 261.8 injuries per 10,000
riders—doum from 275.8 per 10,000 in
1988. The report notes thal Ihe spike in
ATV fatalities from 1997 to 2001 may be
an anomaly caused by a change in reporting
protocols in 1999. But whatever the case,

R E S

are these numbers cause for alarm, or worse,
legislation?

“To put this into perspective: The num-
bers for injuries in team sports far exceed
those for youthful motorheads. Football used
lo claim dozens of lives a year until experts
figured out that the safety equipment üself
was to blame: Helmets provided the illusion
of risk-free play and inspired coaches to tell
players to tackle head-to-numbers. That led
lo spinal injuries and, sometimes, corpses.
Proper information cut the number.

"Concern for children is natural, but all
100 easily exploited by those with hidden
agendas. We do not give government the
right to tell us how to parent simply because
some parents are idiots. What should we iake
from safety thugs’ apparent concern? Their
motto is, Teach your children well, or else.”

PREPARING FOR TERROR
You wondered if the Defense Ad-
vanced Research Projects Agency web-
site might actually be a “misdirection”
designed to distract the public from the
agency's true work (“Threat or Put-
On?,” The Playboy Forum, April). Am I
the only person who wonders the same
thing about the Department of Home-
land Security site at ready.gov? Terror-
ists fly two planes into the World Trade
Center and the White House responds
by hiring more bureaucrats and pub-
lishing a safety brochure. The site of-
fers helpful advice such as "If there is a
flash or fireball (from a nuclear blast),
take cover immediately.” Also, “If you
have a thick shield between yourself
and the radioactive materials, it will ab-
sorb more of the radiation and you will
be exposed to less.” Dead birds, fish or
small animals may point to a chemical
attack (or a future serial killer). “In all
cases, remain calm.” What if my skin is
falling off? This stuff is so ridiculous
that it's not surprising that online wags
made fun of it almost immediately (see
conspire.com/dhs.htm for links). My
favorite dark humor is at terrorready.
net, brought to you by the Department
of Homeland Panic. It includes instruc-
tions on how to best plan your demise.
Patrick Fisher
Jersey City, New Jersey

We would like to hear your point of view.
Send questions, opinions and quirky stuff to
The Playboy Forum, PLAYBOY, 680 North
Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611,
e-mail forum@playboy.com or fax 312-
951-2939. Please include a daytime phone
number and your cily and state or province.

he federal government's spend-

ing on abstinence education has
grown from $80 million in 2001 to
$117 million this year. Yet more
thon 50 percent of teenagers still
have sex by graduation. It's time to
get serious about keeping kids
chaste. With young lust in bloom, we
offer these modest proposols.

odern chastity belts are not the

crude claws of medieval ti
Instead they're made of si
steel or ocrylic with plostic locks (to
ovoid setting off airport alarms).
They also prevent masturbation. The
cost may seem prohibitive—about
$3 billion, by our estimate, to sedate
ond lock down 23 million teens. But
Stockroom.com, which sells the
Locking Chastity Harness (above) for
$48 and the male Curve (right) for
$168, offers quontity discounts.

oppy Dixon's mission is to get
every woman to weor her
Prayer Panties, available online for
$10.99 eoch at jesus21.com. Even
the horniest teen might think twice if
he encountered one of these mes-
sages underneath his dote's jeans.
The cost (assuming five pairs per
girl) would be about $626 million.

N E W

SFR

O N T

what's happening in the sexual amd social arenas

- MOON OVER MANASSAS

MANASSAS, VIRGINIA—A radio station
asked its listeners to submit photos of
themselves mooning in front of mon-
uments and landmarks. The winner

of the “Show us your ass for a board-
ing pass” contest would receive a trip
to the Bahamas. The station's morn-
ing disc jockey decided to contribute:
He dropped his pants next to a WEL-
COME TO MANASSAS sign. After photos
of the stunt appeared on the station's
website, the city prosecutor charged
the jock with indecent exposure. He
agreed to perform 25 hours of com-
munity service.

COULD BEANVONE —

WICHITA, KANSAS—A man asked an
online photo service to convert di
photos of nude women into prints.
When the service told him that some
of the subjects appeared underage,
the man canceled his order. The ser-
vice then notified authorities about
the images, and the police had a post-
al inspector deliver the order anyway.
When the man signed for it, officers
arrested him and seized his comput-
er. Federal prosecutors charged the
man, a Catholic school teacher, with
possession of child porn. After being
accused by defense attorneys of en-
trapment (and having a hard time
establishing that the images showed
minors), the feds offered a plea deal:

The accused could avoid prison if he
pleaded guilty to a felony charge of
possessing "obscenity" based on two
photos of adult women found on his
computer. He took the deal. Federal
agents will monitor his online activity
for the next two years.

SERIOUS SIDE EFFECT ~

ST. LOUIS—In 1979 a judge sen-
tenced Charles Singleton to death
for murdering an Arkansas grocery
clerk. Prison doctors later diagnosed
him as schizophrenic. Because states
cannot execute the mentally ill, this
created a dilemma: As long as Single-
ton refused his antipsychotic drugs,
he couldn't be executed. His lawyers
argued that no doctor could make
their client take the drugs, since it no
longer would be in his best medical
interests. Earlier this year a federal
court ruled that the state of Arkansas
can force Singleton to take his meds.
Writing for the 6-5 majority, one
judge noted, "Eligibility for execution
is the only unwanted consequence of
the medication."

HEAD.GANES =

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Federal prose-
cutors recently charged 55 people for
allegedly selling illegal drug para-
phernalia online. The Drug Enforce-
ment Administration said its Oper-
ation Pipe Dreams and Operation
Headhunter led to the seizure of tons
of paraphernalia, including gas
masks converted to bongs, lipstick-
shaped pipes and highlighters that
conceal onc-hitters. The feds also
closed 11 online head shops. “People
selling drug paraphernalia are as
much a part of trafficking as silencers
arc a part of homicide," said the head
of the DEA.

SMART SENTENCING ==

LANSING, MICHIGAN— The state leg-
islature voted to eliminate some of
the nation's most draconian manda-
tory-minimum sentencing laws for
nonviolent drug offenses. Enacted
during the late Seventies, the laws
based a prisoner's sentence exclusive-
ly on the weight of the drugs found
at the time of the arrest. Judges are

again able to use their discretion in
sentencing. The state released these
numbers to show the law's impact:

® 7600 number of Michigan pris-
oners serving drug sentences.

* 6864—number of low-level of-
fenders serving lifetime probation.

® 3218—number released from
lifetime probation the day the statute
went into effect.

EUN

HENDERSON, NEVADA—The libertari-
an Free State Project has launched a
campaign to persuade “freedom-lov-
ing people” to move en masse and
take over a small U.S. state. The in-
terlopers say that once they are vot-
ed into power, they would cut taxes,
refuse federal funds, eliminate gun
control and legalize drugs. As soon as
5000 people agree to relocate, the
group will vote on which state to in-
vade. And when 20,000 agree, the
migration will begin. The leading
candidates are New Hampshire and
Wyoming, chiefly because their popu-

lations are less than 1.5 million, which

would allow 20,000 voters to more
easily tip statewide elections. The
project's founder, a 26-year-old doc-
toral candidate at Yale, hopes to re-
cruit enough volunteers by 2005 via
his website at freestateprojectorg.

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navsor interview: LISA MARIE PRESLEY

a candid conversation with true rock royalty about sex, drugs, music and
the men in her life—michael jackson, nicolas cage and, of course, elvis

Lisa Marie Presley inherited her father's
eyes, lips and fame. As the only child bon
the King of Rock and Roll and his
Priscilla, Lisa Marie was inte: nationally
known from the moment of her birth on Feb-
ruary 1, 1968, exactly nine months after her
parents’ wedding night, Priscilla said Elvis
“looked petrified” the first time he held his
daughter, but soon he was spoiling her with
expensive jewelry, a miniature fur coat and
an impromptu jet ride to Utah so she could
see snow for the first time. He gave her every-
thing, Priscilla lamented, a child “shouldn't
have and couldn't appreciate.”

Elvis had an aversion to making love to a
woman who had given birth, so Lisa Marie's
arrival caused a sexual estrangement be-
tween Ihe singer and his young bride. Soon,
both were having affairs and they divorced
five years later. Though Priscilla took pri-
mary responsibility for raising their daugh-
lex, Lisa Marie spent lots of time at Grace-
land, Elvis’ Memphis fortress. She was there
when he died on August 16, 1977, after a
decline marked by ballooning weight and
addiction to prescription medication. When
Elvis was found prone on the bathroom floor,
she watched as people tried to revive him
and asked, "What's wrong with my daddy?
Something's wrong with my daddy, and Pm
going to find out.”

Elvis’ death only deepened the mystery

"Aliens |

“How many people have a family grave in
the backyard? Гт sure ГЇ end up there, or
ГИ shrink my head and put it in a glass box
in the living room. I'll get more tourists to
Graceland that way.”

surrounding his daughter—People maga-
zine dubbed Lisa Marie “the most carefully
secluded of all celebrity children.” During
that period of seclusion, she went through
a drug phase—sedatives, marijuana, co-
caine—which she says ended afier she
embraced Scientolo, When she was 20,
she married Danny Keough, an unknown
musician. She was pregnant; they have two
children, Danielle Riley, now 14, and Ben-
jamin Storm, 10.

The relationship lasted six years, until she
left Keough for Michael Jackson in 1994.
marrying him in the Dominican Republic in
a ceremony even Priscilla didn't know about.
There was widespread skepticism about any
physical union, especially since Jackson had
recently faced civil charges of sexually abus-
ing a 13-year-old boy, JACKSON-PRESLEY
UNION SPARKS SHOCK. DOUBT, LAUGHS read
one headline. During an interview around
the time of their one-year anniversary,
Diane Sauyer asked the couple if they had
sa Marie responded indignantly, “Yes,
Seven months later she filed for di-
he marriage was "a mistake, every-
one knows,” her lawyer declared.

After that mistake, she met actor (and
longtime Elvis aficionado) Nicolas Cage at a
party in 2001. They started a relationship,
broke up, got back together, broke up, got
back together and got married in Hawaii.

“I knew Michael wanted kids. And Debbie
Rowe was offering to do it for him while we
were married, according to him. When I
imagined having a child with him, all I
could see was a custody battle nightmare."

He filed for divorce 107 days later.

The current question for Presley, 35, is
whether she inherited Daddy's talent. On
her debut album, To Whom It May Concern,
she sounds like a pissed-off Sheryl Crow, as
her southern-fried rock rumbles with accu-
sations, apologies, sarcasm and cursing.
Writer Rob Tannenbaum spent two afte:
noons with Presley in the Capitol Records of-
fice in Hollywood, exploring her past, her
new album and her future.

PLAYBOY: Most people make records for
money or attention. You obviously don't.
need the money.

PRESLEY: I didn't do it to get attention. I
hate attention. When I have to speak in
public, 1 get so neurotic that I lose con-
trol of my tongue, my legs and whatever
else. If I'm standing in front of a lot of
people, 1 feel what they are thinking
about me, their speculation. But I want
to be heard. I have been writing and
recording songs since I was 20, for ca-
thartic reasons, as an outlet. I just haven't
been doing it publicly.

PLAYBOY: In fact, you signed your record
contract more than four years ago. Why
did it take so long to make the record?
PRESLEY: Honestly, I just needed to find
my way, stylistically. I was anal about the
final production. I didn't want to learn

PHOTOGRAPHY BY DAVIO ROSE

“My taste in sex is probably ‘porn style.” 1 am
alittle dark on the subject. I like it rough, the
way they do things in porn movies. Г think
1 was a pervert when I was three. I liked
looking up skirts.”

PLAYBOY

the ropes publicly; I couldn't afford that.
I knew there was going to be more at-
tention on me than on anyone else
putting out a debut record. If 1 wanted
to be a novelty, I could have easily called
a top writer or a top producer and
turned into a pop star. I could have done
that years ago. But I wanted to be looked
at as an artist, so 1 couldn't do anything
stupid or shallow or silly.

PLAYBOY: Were you writing silly songs?
PRESLEY: I never had a fluff problem. It
was always the opposite: "Let's get you
to lighten up and put some more radio-
friendly stuff out there." My songs were
pretty dark and haunting.

PLAYBOY: There are 12 songs, including
a bonus track. How many of them are
happy?

PRESLEY: I was talking with Nic
[Cage] last night, and he lec-
tured me: “I told you, you
should put one happy song on
the record." I said, "Fuck that.
I'm not doing it.” Music that's
happy doesn't move me. So the
answer to the question is, none.
PLAYBOY: Before this year, you
rarely talked to the press. If you
didn't have an album to pro-
mote, would you be talking to
usnow?

PRESLEY: No. What else would
I talk about? My upbringing? I
don't like talking about myself.
At this point I'm thinking,
What have I done? The hard
part is opening up for the first
time. I have to combat 30 years
of speculation and tabloid stuff.
I have to go out there and say,
“Hi, I'm not that person.”
However, I understand the
curiosity, and I don't want to be
an asshole or look like I'm hid-
ing something. I realize why I
feel vulnerable and afraid—a
lot of people do interviews
based on what their publicists
tell them. 1 put my ass out
there, cellulite and all. I can be
very unfiltered and unedited,
and that might kick me in the

trying to make a fucking г
PLAYBOY: Your mother said,
Presley can be a hindrance and a help."
In what ways has it been both to you?
PRESLEY: It's only a hindrance in that I
didn't ask for all the attention, so I have
a phobia against it. I don't ask tabloids to
chase me around every week. But at the
same time, I would never take back any
part of who 1 am or where I came from.
I would never want to be part of any-
thing else. I'm honored and proud of
my family and my dad.

PLAYBOY: Did your name help you get a
record deal?

PRESLEY: Yeah, it helped me get a foot in
the door. But you have to hold your
own. And again, it's a hindrance, be-

PLAYBOY: What are people most eager to
know about you?
PRESLEY: It's the same thing: "Three mar-
riages! Three marriages!"
PLAYBOY: Your ex-husband was involved
with the record, right
PRESLEY: When you say "ex-husband,"
you have to be specific. [Laughs] 1 almost
said, "Which ex-husband?" Yeah, Danny
and I wrote two songs together. He's the
first person 1 ever sang in front of, and
he was the only person I wrote with for
about eight years. So 1 wanted him to be
on the record.
PLAYBOY: Lights Out is about your dad.
Were you reluctant to write about him?
PRESLEY: Very. The last thing I want is to
look as if I'm capitalizing on that. I don't
want to be famous or superfi-
cially rich or some weird nov-
elty. I addressed everything
that affected me, and this is ob-
viously important. Everything
I have written about is pretty
autobiographical.
PLAYBOY: The song also talks
about Graceland and "the
damn back lawn." Why did you
use that phrase?
PRESLEY: Because I couldn't say,
“motherfucking back lawn." It
didn't work melodically. The
back lawn of Graceland is a
graveyard, basically. How many
people have a family grave in
the backyard? How many peo-
ple are reminded of their fate,
their mortality, every fucking
day? All the graves are lined
up, and there's a spot there,
waiting for me, right next to
my grandmother.
PLAYBOY: Do you plan on being
buried there?
PRESLEY: 1 don't plan on any-
thing. I'm sure I'll end up
there. Or I'll shrink my head
and put it in a glass box in the
living room. ГЇЇ get more
tourists to Graceland that way.
PLAYBOY: The song is bitter-
sweet. Is that how you feel

about being a Presley?

ass one day. I'm being really

honest, and if I get shit on, I might nev-
er speak again.

PLAYBOY: There are plenty of ways to
market you as a reminder of your father.
PRESLEY: People get all kinds of crazy
ideas to turn me into a goofball. A whole
record of Elvis covers and duets. We can
put you in a white suit! Sorry, Britney al-
ready took the cake on that one.
PLAYBOY: Did you ever think of putting
the record out under a band name, like
Jakob Dylan did with the Wallflowers?
PRESLEY: I thought about that, or taking
Presley off and just using "Lisa Marie."
But the record company wasn't very
happy with the idea. [Laughs] They had
other plans. I'm not trying to run away,

60 and I'm not trying to capitalize. I'm just

cause a lot of attention and pressure is
on me. It's a little scary, because people
are either going to love it or they're go-

ing to fucking hate my guts. Like, *You
are the most despicable, sorry-ass excuse
for a Presley that I've ever seen." I'm too
extreme, I think, for people to have a
mediocre reaction.

PLAYBOY: Here's a particularly unkind
line from one review: “Her voice belongs
in karaoke."

PRESLEY: You want me to react to that or
something? I know it's going to happen.
Of course, 1 obsess on the bad reviews.
Nobody wants to hear that sort of crap.
Who is this fucking critic? He can bite
me. I want to hear him sing. You can
print that.

PRESLEY: To some degree it is.
But I don't feel bitter—"I'm a Presley,
and I'm bitter." There's good and bad
with everything.
PLAYBOY: Your dad died at 42, and his
mother died at 46. You're 35. Do you
think more about death these days?
PRESLEY: No. When I was writing this al-
bum, I went through a period when I
was not doing very well physically. It was
mercury poisoning, from fillings. Every-
one has a threshold, but after my divorce
from Michael, I was under a lot of stress.
My allergies caused craziness—I had my
gallbladder removed, 1 went through
hell. I constantly had these weird symp-
toms no one could explain. That was
probably the worst period in my life,
those two or three years.

PLAYBOY: Hey, at least you got some songs
out of it. The person your lyrics are
hardest on is you. You call yourself bel-
ligerent, needy, a princess
PRESLEY: And I'm an asshole. Yes, in cer-
tain circumstances, I can be any one of
those things.

PLAYBOY: And in S.O.B., you call yourself
а son of a bitch.

PRESLEY: It's a term I heard a lot when I
was growing up. "C'mere, you little son
of a bitch." My family members say that
to one another. My Aunt Delta used to
live in Graceland. She was a scary wom-
an, very funny. People were afraid to be
around her. She was an alcoholic diabet-
ic, so she wasn't always in the best mood
Her room was away from the tours,
but she would come out to walk her dog
and then flip off the tourists. They
would come up to her and say, "Are you
Aunt Delta?" She'd say, "Hell no, Delta
died last night."

PLAYBOY: There's another song, Nobody
Noticed It, that seems like it might be
about your dad.

PRESLEY: I wrote that to relieve myself of
something 1 saw on TV about him, on
the E! True Hollywood Story. It actually did
me in, emotionally, for days. What made
me angry was the interviews with the
motherfuckers who hung around him.
These idiots were so disgusting—they
helped him go down and were actual-
ly worse than he was. It infuriated me.
"They were trying to take away his digni-
ty, theone thing that was most important
to him. And I needed to strike back at
that. I happened to be going to the stu-
dio, and I got the melody in my head
and started to cry.

PLAYBOY: You believe in revenge.

PRESLEY: I'm like a lion—I roar. If some:
one betrays me, 1 won't be a victim. I
don't sulk, I get angry. I go immediately
into retaliation. But it always comes from
insecurity or pain.

PLAYBOY: In your mother's book, Elvis
and Me, she wrote about your dad, “He
wasn't the kind of person who'd come
out and say, ‘I'm scared.’ He held in his
fears and emotions until, at times, he
would explode, tearing into anyone who
happened to be around."

PRESLEY: I'm much more like him on that
front. That roar—I know that's a DNA
situation. My mom's very strong and
reasonable and caring—I have some of
those qualities. But the rest is from him.
I hear it nonstop from my family: “You
are just like him." "My god, you're just
like your daddy right now." I hear that
all the time when I'm in Memphis.
PLAYBOY: Do you have a sense of humor
about Elvis jokes or comments about
your dad shooting out the TV? Or is that
still too personal?

PRESLEY: No, it's not 100 personal. Shoot-
ing out the television is funny and that
makes me laugh. As long as you're not
degrading him.

PLAYBOY: Do you have a favorite song of

ROCK DAUGHTERS

lisa marie isn't the only wild child with a famous father

Liv Tyler: Model-octress; raised by one
rock star (Todd Rundgren] only to find out
her noturol folher is another rock star.

Dad: Aerosmith motormouth Steven Tyler.
Her career highlight: Now immortalized
omong the Dungeons-and-Dragons set as
Elf worrior princess Arwen in the Lord of
the Rings trilogy.

Father-to-daughter fame ratio: 2 to 1.
Though Liv is more than just long legs and
oddly familior bee-stung lips, Steven is a
rock-and-roll institution.

Nona Gaye: Actress, former Prince
girlfriend-collaborotor on minor 1995
olbum The Gold Experience (she once de-
scribed their relationship as “a whirlwind

of head trips ond mind screws”)

Dad: Soul genius Morvin Gaye.

Her career highlight: Ploying Muhom-
mad Ali's wife Belinda with Will Smith in Ali.
Father-to-daughter fame ratio: 40 to 1.
Between Sexual Healing and Let's Get It On,
you can't get through a night on the town
without hearing Morvin’s miraculous voice.

lone Skye: Actress with a string of hit
movies in the Eighties, now a pointer and
housewife.

Dad: Has-been folk-rocker Donovan.

Her career highlight: John Cusack's
boom-box serenode in Say Anything.
Father-to-daughter fame ratio: | to 1.
When she was starring in Waynes World
and married to Beastie Boy Adam Horovitz,
it looked like lone had the edge. Now, both
generations hove become condidotes for
Where Are They Now?

Jade Jagger: Jewelry designer, repre-
senting oll rock daughters trying to make it in
the fashion business (from A-list designer
Stella McCartney to Keith Richards’ Gap-
model daughters, Alexandra and Theodoro).
Dad: Hope you guess his nome.

Her career highlight: Recent cover of
British GQ—toke that, Jerry Hall!
Father-to-daughter fame ratio: 100 to
1. It remoins to be seen whether stodiums
can be filled with fans screaming for
brooches and necklaces.

Norah Jones: 24-year-old sensation
whose sultry, jazzy Come Away With Me—
one of the least likely number one olbums
ever—has sold 5 million copies.

Dad: Sitar moster Ravi Shankar.

Her career highlight: Sweep of the 2003
Grommy Awords.

Father-to-daughter fame ratio: 1 to 3
Shankar, Indio's greotest musicol export,
hosn't rocked up the platinum thot his dough-
ter hos. Let's see if she con sell out concerts
when she's 83, like her old mon.—ALAN LIGHT

PLAYBOY

your father's?
PRESLEY: It's funny, I like the Seventies
material because I was around for those
recordings. There was some great stuff
that never made it to radio: a song called
Mary in the Morning, which I loved. In the
Ghetto. 1 like the darker songs, the sad
ones. There was a song called Separate
Ways that was treacherously painful. And
How Great Thou Art, when he'd sing that.
live, there was nothing like it. I'd go to
his shows, and he was awesome.
PLAYBOY: You were five years old when
your parents divorced. How did the di-
vorce change your life?

PRESLEY: When they divorced, I would go
out on the road more and miss more
school, which I liked. People say I didn't
get to see him very much, but I was with
him quite a bit. All of a sudden, a car
would show up at school, and he was
calling for me to go out on the road.
PLAYBOY: What was it like, hanging out
with him?

PRESLEY: Nocturnal: Go to bed at four or
five a.m. and get up at two or three the
next afternoon. It was always a lot of fun.
There is not one bad memory. There
was always a lot of energy and life in the
house. He was very mischievous.
PLAYBOY: You'd sit outside his room for
hours, vaiting for him to get up.
PRESLEY: The only two rooms upstairs in
Graceland are mine and his. When he
slept, he was a bear in hibernation.
PLAYBOY: Did you know your father was
addicted to pills?

PRESLEY: І was aware of the demise. [Sofi-
Ij] His temper was getting worse, he was
gaining weight, he was not happy. I saw
him taking different pills, like a potpour-
ri of capsules, but I didn't know what
they were. He was obviously not in good
shape. But he didn't want me to see that.
So he would try to mask it for me
PLAYBOY: You were visiting him at Grace-
land in 1977, when he died.

PRESLEY: I was there when he died. I was
there for most of that summer. I'm actu-
ally not going to go into his death, the
day of, the whole thing. Just so you
know. I avoid that in all interviews. It's
not something I like to capitalize on—
particularly for people's amusement.
PLAYBOY: Then we would like to compare
your memories with some of the legends
about him.

PRESLEY: How much longer are we going
to stay on this one? It’s not that I don't
like talking about him. And, yes, I could
set the record straight. [Sighs] It's just
that I'm uncomfortable with divulging
anything about him, because people
have done that for so long and capital-
ized on it. I hate those people so much.
It's against my moral code to get atten-
tion by discussing him.

PLAYBOY: OK, let's discuss your ex-
husbands instead.

PRESLEY: No—we're going to stay on my
dad, then. [Laughs]

62 PLAYBOY: Your mother also wrote that

because your father spoiled you so
much, "Lisa had trouble learning what
ight and wrong.”
don't feel like I was spoiled.
Anything my father did for me or gave
me was done out of love, and І took it as
that. I'm sure I had moments when I
was a snot. But my mom was there to
smack me back to the other side. What-
ever he did, she cleaned it up.
PLAYBOY: After your parents split, your
mom had a boyfriend named Michael
Edwards——
PRESLEY: Oh my god, can I use the bath-
room before I talk about this sorry-ass
motherfucker?
PLAYBOY: He confessed that while he was
in a relationship with your mom, he had
sexual feelings about you.
PRESLEY: He's a sick fuck. I know he wrote
a book and said he lusted after my devel-
oping body as I got out of a pool. [In his
book, Priscilla, Elvis and Me, Edwards wrote,
“Pd had to put an end to our swimming to-
gether after one disturbing afternoon in the
pool. Lisa had innocently thrown her arms
around me, and we were jumping up and
down. I became aroused. À sick feeling crept

I was in this destructo mode:
Anything my mom didn't
want me lo do, I would do.
Smoking, drinking, drugs,
boys, whatever I could
get my hands on.

slowly into the pit of my stomach. I was crav-
ing Lisa sexually."] He made his attempts
at coming into my room and being inap-
propriate while drunk.

PLAYBOY: You were a tough kid.

PRESLEY: I have always had a strength
that intimidates people. It's a protection
mechanism. In every school, the kids
would automatically hate me and think I
was stuck up. But I wasn't. I would make
friends with the outcasts. You name it, I
would get in trouble for it. I was in this
destructo mode: Anything my mom
didn't want me to do, I would do. Smok-
ing, drinking, drugs, boys, whatever I
could get my hands on. 1 went through a
drug phase for like three years.

PLAYBOY: Did you have a hard time find-
ing drugs?

PRESLEY: No. Does anyone if they really
want them?

PLAYBOY: Were you sexually active?
PRESLEY: I didn't have sex until I was 15,
like two weeks after my 15th birthday.
But I was intrigued by sex at a very ear-
ly age. I think I was a pervert when I was
three. [Laughs] 1 liked looking up skirts.
Body parts intrigued me.

PLAYBOY: Did your mother keep a close

eye on you?

PRESLEY: She watched me closely. After I
read her book, I realized why. She'd
done things that weren't what your aver-
age 14-year-old would do. And I was do-
ing the exact same things.

PLAYBOY: How did you and Priscilla be-
come active in Scientology?

PRESLEY: I dabbled in it for a bit, then ran
off to be a spiteful teenager. I rediscov-
ered it when I was 17. l'd spent three
nights awake, having been on cocaine
for 72 hours. Eventually, my mom
kicked me out of the house and made
me stay at the Scientology Celebrity
Center. I was drinking, and she handed
me over to them in the middle of the
night. She wanted them to watch over
me. And I was happy—I was out of the
house and had my own apartment. I had
all this freedom, The smartest thing they
ever did was put me to work with drug
addicts. That made me productive and
responsible. The last time I did a drug
for recreation, I was 17. You know what
life's going to bring you if you head
down that route.

PLAYBOY: What does Scientology offer
to you?

PRESLEY: À better understanding of my-
selfand others, sanity and insanity. Good
answers—not answers that are enforced
but don't really make sense. It's attacked
because it's not understood, and that
annoys me. 1 mean, I had it all fuc.
ing happen to me, and I'm fine. I'm
not medicated. I might fuck up my
marriages, but other than that, I am
fine. [Laughs]

PLAYBOY: And what about the Scientology
belief that humans are descendants of
space aliens?

PRESLEY: I've never read anything in Sci-
entology about aliens, but I have heard
about it. An ex-boyfriend used to go,
"Aliens! Alien:
PLAYBOY: When you were ]7, you met
Danny Keough in the church and later
married him. What changed when you
had a baby?

PRESLEY: I was a tyrant as a kid, and then
1 had babies and settled down. Recently,
in the past six years, I've gotten back in
touch with my inner tyrant teenager. My
friends were all out being crazy at 20,
and I had babies. Now they're married
and I'm like, “Look at you, you've got it
together and I don't!"

PLAYBOY: What has Danny done as
a musician?

PRESLEY: He's been in and out of bands.
He's had opportunities, but he's his own
worst enemy. He likes to sulk and be a
tortured soul. He'd rather be anony-
mous and have nobody know that he was
married to me. He needs confidence.
PLAYBOY: Does his lack of confidence
come from having been married to you?
PRESLEY: Very likely. He was overshad-
owed, buried alive by my mere exis-
tence, and he resented it.

PLAYBOY: In the song Sinking In, you say

you didn't treat him well
PRESLEY: We didn't treat each other well
He can get pretty dark at times. We have
that in common.

PLAYBOY: Who's darker, you or Danny?
PRESLEY: We fluctuate. Thank god we
don't go off the deep end at the same
time, because our kids would be wrecks.
He's one of my closest friends. We go on
vacations, spend holidays together, take
the kids to school every morning.
PLAYBOY: Do you provide romantic ad-
vice to cach other?

PRESLEY: No. He just shakes his head
and laughs at me. I'm his entertainment.
*How much of a shitstorm can you
cause?" He intervened with Michael. But
even then he wasn't vocal. He just let me
know he wasn't happy about that one.
PLAYBOY: So you left Danny, an insecure,
struggling musician, to marry Michael
Jackson, the King of Pop.

PRESLEY: 1 walked away from Danny and
went into Michael. And that was stupid. 1
thought it would help, because Michael
and I had so much in common, our up-
bringings. And then it hit me in the face
a year later.

PLAYBOY: Other than Danny, who knew
you were going to marry Michael?
PRESLEY: No one except the people who
arranged the wedding.

PLAYBOY: Why didn't you tell your mom?
PRESLEY: Because I knew she was against
it. She was already saying, "Don't you

think this is just good timing for him?
Wake up." But I wouldn't hear anything
about it.

PLAYBOY: What did Priscilla say when you
told her you had married him?

PRESLEY: She called me casually one day
and said, “Ugh, there arc helicopters
flying over my house, driving me crazy.
They're saying that you married Michael
Jackson.” And I was silent. And she
went, “No, you didn't. Lisa! Tell me.”
And I went, "Yup. I did it.” And I have
to say I got a bit of a kick out of it, just
for old times' sake. One more middle
finger going up.

PLAYBOY: Lots of other people suspected
it was a publicity stunt, because he had
been accused of child molestation.
PRESLEY: We met casually at a friend's
house, and he immediately disillusioned
me of any preconceived ideas I had of
him. He said, "I know you think this
about me, you think that," and I imme-
diately said, "Oh my god, you're so
understood!" I forgot who he was witl
20 minutes, because we were so locked
into a conversation.

PLAYBOY: You're saying that Michacl
Jackson is seductive?

PRESLEY: He's not sexually seductive, but
there is something riveting about him.
He doesn't let people see who he is.
When he does, it's hard to shake. I got
caught up and thought I was in love with
the man. I don't know what else to say.

PLAYBOY: When you announced the mar-
riage, you said in a press release, "I un-
derstand and support him." Please ex-
plain Michael to those of us who really
don't understand him.
PRESLEY: Here's the thing: For a while,
Michacl was like the Wizard of Oz, the
man behind the curtain. At onc time
he was really good at manipulating a
Howard Hughes type of image: "He's
mysterious, fascinating.” He became this
bigger-than-life figure. But at some
point, it turned on him and he became
this freak. And now he can't get out from
under it. When you're the king of your
own palace, there are no morals or ethics
or integrity. Everyone will kiss your ass
and then give you the push that knocks
you over.
PLAYBOY: Did you and he ever have chil-
dren join you in your bed?
PRESLEY: Never. Never, never, never, nev-
er. 1 never saw him sleep in a bed with
a child, ever.
PLAYBOY: Did you ever see him with pho-
tos of nude children?
PRESLEY: Never. Never.
PLAYBOY: Do you have any reason to
think he's a child molester?
PRESLEY: If I'd had any reason to suspect
that, 1 would have had nothing to do
with the guy. I had no reason to, oth-
er than the allegations themselves. The
only two people who know are Michael
(continued on page 142)

splendidpictures

NARC

“ADRENALINE
PUMPING!”

et See, сою ширек MCA

“A CRACKLING
MOVIE...
REVITALIZES
THE COP GENRE."

Ferre, SOL TOL

“THUMBS UP!
А HARD-EDGED
THRILLER. =

p
The fist Canet
= Theatrical Tr

from the c spaces of clubland comes foxy,
the latest orgası

the only thing it’s missing is a warning label

designer love drug.

ello, ladies, love your costumes,”

says the naked hippie guy who

greets us. He's staring at my

breasts, but I can hardly blame

him: My torso is bare and paint-
ed gold except for my bronzed nipples
and matching armband. “Thank you," I
say, looking past his shoulder. “A girl al-
ways has to accessorize her nipples.” The
theme of this evening’s party is Ship-
wrecked. In my body paint, silver leather
shorts and black calf boots, I'm like some
randy figurehead on a pirate ship. My
friend Isabel and I start to make our way
through the massive industrial lofi in the
Dumbo section of Brooklyn. We're bob-
bing in a sea of sweaty bodies gathered by
our hosts, a group of underground
artists. Inside a life-size snow globe, a
blonde bursting out of a feather corset
waves to the crowd. When naked hippie
guy tries to maroon us in a corner, we set
sail for a new temperate zone—an igloo
made of white nylon tent material.

We have entered the “chill space.”
Judging by my nipples it’s an apt name,
but that has nothing to do with the cold.
Everywhere, couples are languidly knot-

by heather ca

ted together like octopi in heat. A disco
ball spins lazily above, and refracted bits
of light strobe across flesh and faces. I
stumble past stacked fur pillows and a
candlelit incense altar. At first the 10 or
12 couples spread out around the edges
of the circle don’t seem to be looking at
anything, but after my eyes adjust to the
darkness I see that in fact they are staring
intently at a prone couple rocking vigor-
ously by a wall. The girl is on top, and
her ass rises and falls steadily. Her navy-
blue canvas sailor skirt is pulled up around
her waist, and I can't take my eyes off the
rhythmic jiggle of her cheeks.

I glance at Isabel, who is busy giggling
off compliments on her slutty mermaid
costume. “Are they really having sex over
there?" I say to no one in particular.

From the shadows to my left someone
says, "Yeah—they re on foxy."

This isn't the first time Гуе heard
of foxy, a drug so new in the
culture no one but the
most adventurous psy-
chonauts knows where to
get it, or even that it exists. But =
the Shipwrecked party is the first

time I've seen it live up to its rumored effects. I'd
heard it described as the sex drug to end all sex
drugs: Viagra, ecstasy and acid rolled into one. As
we watch, a security bouncer marches over to the
writhing couple, taps them on the shoulder and
gestures for them to leave the premises. For sev-

eral seconds, 1 watch incredulously as the couple
continues undaunted.

That's when the thought enters my head: 1
need to get my hands on some of this stuff.

THE MAKING OF A CHEMICAL COCKTAIL

The research chemical 5-methoxy-N,N-diiso-
propyltryptamine, or 5-MeO-DIPT, otherwise
known as foxy, first came under scrutiny in a
drug bust in New York City in 1999 when a Drug
Enforcement Administration agent seized 12 cap-
sules in a small plastic box marked “Foreplay.” AR
ter investigating, the DEA noted that users re-
ported effects akin to those of LSD and ecstasy
(visual hallucinations, intensified tactile sensa-
tions and auditory distortions). But the most no-
torious effect of foxy was the one alluded to on
the box: The DEA described it as
"feelings of love," and the highly
regarded drug education website
Erowid.org says the drug has a
"significant erotic component."
Since 1999 foxy has become pop-
ular enough that a DEA warning
surfaced on January 28, 2003,
clearing the way to classify foxy as
à Schedule I controlled substance
through an emergency schedul-

ing procedure. The drug became officially illegal two
months later, on April 4 (after this story was written).

While the rise in foxy's use is recent, it was developed
around 1980 by Alexander Shulgin, the renowned ex-
perimental chemist. Now in his late 70s. Shulgin is fa-
mous for writing a 1978 research paper that described
ecstasy (MDMA) as an em-
pathy drug (see The Trip-
master, p. 68). Although
foxy bears little chemical
resemblance to ecstasy,
dealers sometimes pass it
off as a kissing cousin. Au-
thorities say they have
seized it at raves and clubs
nationwide.

“Гуе heard of foxy be-
ing much more sensual
than ecstasy,” says Tim
Santamour, executive di-
rector of DanceSafe, a
national drug safety orga-
nization. Santamour first
learned of foxy when he
visited San Francisco two
years ago. Ar the time, he
says, it was most visible in
the gay community. Since
then, the organization has
tracked its spread to a
broader demographic as
news of the drug has circu
lated through the world of
urban nightlife. “Now we
see it in Seattle, the Bay
Area, Boston,” says Santamour. “And its use is growing
in New York City.”

FOX HUNT
After Га seen the couple doing the Dumbo mambo,
I decided to do some serious research into the sub-

stance-friendly sex scene. I called
my sister in San Francisco. “You

Foxy first came

want to try what?” she asked.
under scrutiny “Don't you remember that guy
Ben at the music festival who was
when a DEA on it and couldn't stop touching
; himself?”
agent seized "Well, maybe he didn't have
sj anyone else to touch.”
12 capsules n “Maybe,” she said. “He kept in-
a small plastic sisting he was keyed into the erot-

ic vibe of the crowd. But what do
you expect at a rave?" She then
put me in touch with her friend
Rob, a self-described authority on
foxy and one of the few people
who still had a job in Silicon Valley.

“Foxy makes me feel superstrong and fast, like I'm
Bruce Lee,” Rob told me on his cell while cruising the
highway with his girlfriend Kim. “One time Kim
and I were fucking. It was long and intense, and she
came for what seemed like 20 minutes. Afterward she

box marked
“Foreplay.”

PHOTOGRAPHY BY GEORGE GEORGIOU

"With sex on e,” said Rob, “you forget

what you're doing, With foxy you can have
hours of foreplay followed by great sex."

told a frien:
area code."
“Wow,” I said.
“But this wasn't on foxy.”
"No?" My heart sank.

“We were on acid. You should try that. It’s like a cu-

bist adventurc. You're having sex with buildings."

No thanks, I thought. My one experience on acid
made me feel like I was more likely to throw myself off
a building than havc scx with it. Ecstasy is thc only
drug І can imagine using to heighten sex, but when 1
tried it I was so content to snuggle under my flannel
sheets I never got around to molesting my boyfriend.

"But what about foxy,” I persisted. "How does it

compare to sex on e?"

“With sex on e,” said Rob, “you forget what you're
doing. With foxy you can have four hours of foreplay
followed by an hour of great sex—and no hangover.”

He explained that he and his girlfriend Kim took
foxy on a romantic getaway weekend in Mendocino.
"We'd been going out for two years, and we wanted to
do something special. We took foxy and lay naked in
front of a fire. Kim said she felt like she was getting

shagged by the song we were listening to."

He paused and I heard them conferring. "She wants
me to tell you she felt like the music was entering her.
She says it was totally hot, and you should try it soon."

As the week progressed, foxy seemed to pop

everywhere. At a bar in Williamsburg, Isabel and I ran
into her ex-boyfriend Tony, a cute young dropout. He
was on his way to a club to meet some of his friends,

take some foxy and dance until dawn.

tuned in,

Myths and

@ cocaine
ete

A powder derived from Synthetic cousin to MDA
соса leaf, Affects pleas- and speed. Was once
re centers in the brain thought of as empathy
s ‚drug, with good reason,
Heighlons intimacy and
exhilaration. Paychosc
tive. Makes cute strang-
ers seem even cuter

Ecstasy

exime, em.
pathy and ability to chat
up cuts strangers.
wola and annoying — Tceth-grinding, jaw
fulness, even car: clenching. Stinutant et
disc arrest. Combining facts can lead to бебу.
with Viagra dangerous. ration, heat stroke.
Montal connoctions can
be accompanied by drop
in desire. Worse, users
don't seem to complain.

Con up desire, but cán
dim physical responi

maintaining an erection.

My orgasm was so big it needed its own

Have you done foxy before?” I asked.

“No. Why?”

“Do you know what's going to happen? Do you
know anything at all about the drug?”

“Why would I want to know what's going to
happen?” he said. Grateful to Isabel for her weird
taste in men, I insisted we accompany Tony to the
club and babysit in case he ran into trouble.

The three of us hopped into my 1972 Cutlass
with the top that won't go up even in the dead of
ter and headed to the far corners of Queens.
Isabel nudged me at a red light and flashed a
mysterious vial she'd ferreted out of Tony's pock-
et. It held a healthy teaspoon of clear liquid foxy.
I could tell she was contemplating taking it.

Outside the trance party, I inspected the vial.
It smelled disturbing, like New Jersey. Tony
drained the contents and led us inside.

It was a site-specific techno music extravagan-
up za, with hundreds of severe, angled hipsters
grooving robotically in a dank basement. By the
time we located Tony's friends, the foxy had
kicked down their doors and was pistol-whipping
their synapses. “I don’t have the vocabulary to

turned on?

alities of sex drug:

& Fe LSD e 2C-B

A natural metabolite. Chemical derived from Synthesized in 1974

Soluble powder has rep lysergic acid (found in Similar to ecstasy, t's an

for an alcohol-liks buzz ergot) Thought to lower ctogon, meaning

minus the calories. inhibitions, enlighten, “touching within.
Triggers deep mystical Produces erotic sonsa
experiences, euphoria, tiong, dramatic visu
hallucinations. Faces of ^ Helghtened awareness,
cule strangers melt of culo ylrangors.

Works as is sedative, In.
duces mild relaxation.

Nausea, штод speech — Psycholic behavior, vari
and coma-like sleep. ous delusions, extreme
Mixing with alcohol is — paranola, hellish in
highly dangerous. trospection

Hauses, anxiety. Ex
tremely dose-sensitlve.
Bad trips possible al
high levels.

As a depressant of the Тоо much sensory over- — Dopending on dose and

ral nervous system, load at peak moments user, can have strong
is more adale-rape drug for sex. Perhaps possi- impact on orotic and
thon а sm-enhancer ble while coming down. ма! experience.

describe what I'm feeling physically," said
Seth, a scruffy sound engineer in his mid-
30s. Then he swung his girlfriend Chloe
over his shoulder like a kid on a jungle gym.

I intercepted Chloe as she skittered past
me on the dance floor. She looked like a hot
elfin sex therapist. “What are you feeling?”
I asked her, social-worker polite.

"Last night I dreamed I was giving sex
tours of Hollywood with Eminem. This shit
makes me think I could actually pull it off!"

She said she felt radiant, childlike,
omnipotent. "I invented belly dancing," she
announced to the crowd. Watching her,
Seth said, "Doesn't Chloe seem like a nine-
foot-tall Helmut Newton model? I think
she's the sexiest woman who's ever existed."

Ten minutes later they were in a rush to
get home. Tony watched them go and then
turned to Isabel. "Hey, so, are you dating
anyone right now?”

BETTER LOVING THROUGH CHEMISTRY

The popularity of sex drugs is nothing
new. Every time a fresh, illicit psychoactive
chemical appears, it's rumored to be the
next love pouon. In this regard foxy follows
the trail of LSD, MDMA, GHB and 2C-B.
The Prozac Nation of 1962 was called My Self
and I by Constance Newland, who took LSD
23 times in analysis to overcome her sexual
frigidity. Both GHB and 2C-B were hyped
as sex-enhancing drugs until the mid-
Nineties to late Nineties; an English over-
the-counter brand of 2C-B called Erox
showed an intertwined couple on the pack-
aging and claimed the contents were meant
“for the temporary alleviation of male impo-
tence and female frigidity.” But all of these
boutique drugs burned quickly through
their target audience and were dismissed,
thanks to scary and sometimes devastating
side effects or lack of efficacy.

Still, the search continues. “A switch to a
psychedelic culture would definitely lead to
increased intimacy and exponentially im-
proved sex,” insists Daniel Pinchbeck, au-
thor of Breaking Open the Head: A Psychedelic

the tripmaster

a conversation with foxy creator alexander shulgin

Alexander

ulgin
knows his drugs.
Timothy Leary
even called him
one of “the most
important scien-
tists of the 20th
century." A 77-
year-old genius
biochemist who
once worked for
Dow Chemical,
Shulgin introduced the world to ec-
stasy and invented foxy and dozens
of other obscure psychedelics. But
Shulgin, who works closely with his
wife, Ann, doesn't just fire up the.
Bunsen burner in his secluded
northern California lab. He has
tripped thousands of times over the
years. Says the father of foxy: ^I like
knowing that after | invent some-
thing I'm the first person to have
tried it."
PLAYBOY: Days after you invented
foxy, you had sex on it. Was it good?
SHULGIN: At low doses it greatly
enhances my orgasm intensity but
has no psychedelic effect. But Ann
didn't care for it. At the
normal dose, it wasn't
that memorable or con-

knowing that

after Гуе

related to in a chemical
Sense—is it like LSD?
SHULGIN: Not really.
It's actually far more
similar to some of the
things in magic mush-
room alkaloids.
PLAYBOY: Is foxy safe?
SHULGIN: | don't know

“I like

invented
something
Pm the first

person to

have tried it.”

of any valid
medical studies.
Unfortunatel
this country it's
nearly impossi-
ble to do psy-
chedelic studies.
with human
subjects. People
do them private-
ly, but they don't
publish the
results.
PLAYBOY: Did you know ravers are
taking foxy to party or have sex?
SHULGIN: That surprises me, Street
use isn't something I'm happy with.
People aren't careful with their dos-
es and their intentions.
PLAYBOY: Is there an ideal sex
drug?
SHULGIN: There are a lot of things
like ecstasy that make you feel ex-
tremely warm and comfortable but
inhibit your sexuality.
PLAYBOY: What about Viagra?
SHULGIN: | use it occasionally at
about a third to half dosage levels.
But | don't like being dependent on
it, and I can't use it when I'm trying
‘out new compounds be-
cause | don't know.
what the drug-drug
interaction will be.
PLAYBOY: What's the
point of inventing these
psychedelic drugs?
SHULGIN: It's to open
doors to research for
neuroscientists and psy-
chiatrists. And from
that could very well
evolve tools for treatment
of mental disorders.
—MARK BOAL

Journey Into the Heart of Contemporary Shamanism. “In
terms of the development of our culture's erotic poten-
tial, it would be equivalent to the discovery of electricity.”

Viagra is the most popular and biggest prescription
drug to be marketed
exclusively for sexual
performance. Origi-
nally prescribed for
primary impotence,
Viagra is now widely
used for recreational
purposes as well. It is
one of the most coun-
terfeited drugs in his-
tory; dealers are com-
bining it with ecstasy

and selling it in nightclubs as Sexstasy. Meanwhile, sell-
ing and distributing Viagra for off-label use continues
unabated. In this sense it's the first sex-enhancing drug
to blur the boundaries between recreation and medicine.

In its name alone foxy holds the promise of a pharma-
cologically turbocharged orgasm. However, the problem
for many people with a sex-enhancing club drug is its
psychedelic edge. A sorority girl might be able to drop €
on a Tuesday might and take a test the next day, but mid
dle-aged golfers don’t want such a trippy high. And even
though I saw foxy in action—maybe because I saw it in
action—I still wasn't sure it was right for me.

DRUG NET

One day at home I received a mysterious e-mail. The
writer, a college kid named Josh (continued on page 146)

“My Uncle Joe said he was going to come back as a thong. . . . I just keep
hoping I will recognize him."

the only thing hotter than the movie's

he Fast and the Furious
brought the scorched rubber,
the g force-induced rush and
the adrenaline-addicted beauty
queens of illegal street racing to
the big screen. There's a glam,
street-legal side to underground
racing, too: the import scene.
Fans and tuners—the guys
who modify the cars—define
imports narrowly: small and

nitrous-boosted cars are the real
‚girls of street racing

Japanese. Tuners turn Hondas,

Mazdas, Mitsubishis, Nissans,

Subarus and Toyotas into fire-

breathing speed demons with

the flamboyant style of Japanese

anime. Why ever brake? Girls

of street racing are even more

impressive. So we rewed up

cars from the sequel—and

o \ stripped down babes from
the new import scene.

5 OPPOSITE: Latasha Marzolla

po / says "Gol" Below her are

> 2 Fast 2 Furious stars Amaury

¥ Nolasco (left), Devon Aoki

\ and Paul Walker. THIS

\ L PAGE: Raxanne Galla

and Veronika Zema-

x nova buff a Toyota
MR2 Spyder.

Li
4

All v

ABOVE: Cherie Goge practices parallel parking next to a tric!

А, E
3

THIS PAGE: Linda O'Neil
hugs a Volk Racing Wheel
by Rays Engineering. She's
raced a bitsHerself. "Girls
and: boys both enjáy it. It’s
all about adrendljne—and
all of us are adrenaline
junkies.” OPPOSITE: Melissa
Puente and Asia
and an Acura NSX. Û —
ve
46

% CE

IT SOUNDS E

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I) NN 3
ША "үү
n

= Ji LU
N Yi

d he "first-couple-ef | times
A we had sex, I didn’ Tear |
—any.geanting. IF It was our third timi —
-gether, rt herapartment, that it hit-
—me—nothing loud or obvious, just
_— -9 soft, steady, válvelike sus А
— —Hoaling.over the music of Sue Foley-
More the sounds of an elderly person ^^.

f
^fjj / lh — ^ — trying+to sleep than those of an amaz-
774 y M f ing 26-year-old Pilates instructor for
“Wy whom 1 was rapidly falling. Her face
ahi was muted in the dark—we had yet to
f do it with hE lights Sl gu
be sure it wı

ишана heran ШОШ ty 1A

ask. Possibly s [acm wa пке) m

ishly to someone in the other room. Her-voice was so un
expected, I froze with my face-smushed ogainst the mat- —

She'd never once mentioned a kid. And there had

marks, cesarean. Nothing. No toys underfoot, no Cray-
olaed scrawlings plastered everywhere like master-
pieces—at least nothing I glimpsed on the way in.
When she slipped back into the room, beaming, I
beamed right-back, trying, as best I could, for noncha-
/ j lant. "Everythirig OK?“ 9
Everything's greaf! she sdid, dropping her robe and
mU $n rodeo. Before |
1

tress, not daring to breathe, trying to make out the words. —

honestly been no signs—no premature sagging, stretch ™

PLAYBOY

could ease things back to the subject of
Who the hell were you checking on in the
other room? the front-door lock rattled.
The tumblers fell into place as some-
one entered, still knocking.

A guy's voice: "Hello! Just me!"

It was all getting very crowded, very
quickly. In about 30 seconds, the pop-
ulation of the apartment, as I under-
stood it, had just doubled. Where there
had been two, there were now four.

"Shit!" She dismounted and grabbed
her robe again, glaring at the clock ra-
dio, calling to this latest arrival out in
the hall. “Deacon? Jesus, I didn't think
you were coming.”

"Sorry, babe! Practice went late. I'll
grab him and go!"

She turned down the stereo, then
stood with her back to me, her hand on
the doorknob, listening. I scanned the
room, craned my neck back at the
window behind me, thinking fire escape.
He was moving around out there like
he lived there, raising his voice to be
heard as he moved through the apart-
ment. “Hey, Shari? I'm leaving food
money on the fridge, OK?"

“OK!” she called back.

The guy's voice was closer now, qui-
cter: “Hey, buddy. How ya doin’, bud-
dy? Were you sleeping? You ready to
go to Daddy's? We're gonna have fun,
aren't we, Pete? Just the boys. Yeah!
OK, here we go!"

Shari remained at attention with her
nose to the door, listening. She seemed
far away. She might have forgotten
that I was there behind her, naked in
her bed. Then there was another move-
ment in the hall—lower, scraping sounds
along the wall. I pictured one of
those uncoordinated toddlers, weight-
ed down with a knapsack or swinging
his sleeping bag, bumping into fur-
niture—that age when everything is
an event and there's so much gear and
planning, the simplest outing becomes
more complicated than an armored
troop movement.

But also, there was that grunting. A
sort of snuffling.

1 lifted my head, thinking I might
catch a glimpse as they passed. Shari
had the door ajar now, letting a sliver
of light in, standing to one side, as if
not wanting this “Daddy” person to
know she was in her robe. But wasn't it
obvious what she was up to? What else
would she be doing in her bedroom,
unable to step around from behind the
door, at 10 o'clock on Friday evening?

“Bye-bye, Petie,” she said through
the crack. “You be a good boy for Dad-
dy, OK? Bye-bye! Mommy loves you!”

"I'll bring him back Sunday night?”

“Fine.”

My view was narrowed to a sliver, but
where I expected Garanimals, I saw
actual animal. A rounded, rippling,

bristly, black-and-white hide.

І didn't think anyone still owned pot-
bellied pigs. It seemed like that fad had
passed a few years back.

She closed the door and returned to
the bed and I listened to the sounds of
the guy leaving the apartment and
locking it from outside and then the
slow bump and murmur as he helped
the thing down the stairs.

“So,” I said. "You own a pig."

“Half a pig, really. Joint custody.
That was my ex-boyfriend just now.
Deacon." She leaned in and kissed me
loudly, once, on the nipple, then sat
back up. “I'll be a lot quieter now, I
promise. If you still want to. . . .” She
ran her finger down the center of my
chest, as if alluding to the direction in
which things could return. “I'm sorry
about all that, before. It was embarrass-
ing. He gets a little jealous when I'm
with someone new."

This was where I could pull her
down to me, bring the discussion to an

end, but I didn't. | asked her how long
it had been since they broke up.

“I mean Pete gets jealous," she said.
"Our pig. You probably heard him call-
ing when we were. . . .” She bit the cuff
of her robe in a way that was so cute
and young, how could I possibly have
thought, even for a moment, she was
some old hag mom, burdened with a
kid? “You know, earlier. He didn't like
that, what we were doing. He's just vy-
ing for attention.”

І must have looked confused, be-
cause she swatted me with the sash of
her robe. “Pete,” she said again. “Pete
didn't like us messing around.”

She slipped out of the robe and bur-
rowed under the covers, giggling, get-
ting me going again. But I was still
thinking about the way she'd described
him: Our pig. Our.

I used to know a few people with do-
mesticated pigs—mostly single guys
who had heard about George Cloo-
ney's pig and thought it would help

them score. Having a pig never partic-
ularly appealed to me, but it was cer-
tainly a better prospect than a cat. If
this woman became someone 1 decided
I loved and wanted to make a life with,
1 would like to think I could handle liv-
ing with a pig.

Except the gnawing problem was
that it wouldn't just be our pig. This
pig would forever belong to Shari and
the guy in the hall. The ex. No matter
how serious things got, we would for-
ever be tied to the ex. At least for the
life of the

After we were done, she scemed
wired and scrambled around the apart-
ment, finding pictures of Pete to show
me. "You'd like him," she insisted. “I
think you two would really get along.

When we'd come in earlier, after din-
ner, we'd entered kissing and pretty
wound up and most of the lights were
olf and we headed straight for the bed-
room. So now she gave me the com-
plete tour. She showed me the convert-
ed hall closet that was Pete's room, just
a few feet from her bedroom, so he
could come in and snuggle if he want-
ed, if it was thundering or he had
nightmares. He slept in a basket with
a cushy pad of Three Little Pigs-pat-
terned fleece, lavered with stiff little
hair that looked like fine wire. And di-
rectly across the narrow hallway, hung
just at pig height, was a photo in a nice
wooden frame. I had to kneel to get
a better look: It was Shari and a guy,
arms around each other, crouched low
right there in the hall in front of the
basket, with Pete between them—much
smaller than the hulk I'd glimpsed ear-
lier—and their heads tipped together,
beaming and proud. The year it was
taken, they had used it as their Christ-
mas card photograph.

I tried to be playful with Pete. I
looked for excuses to touch him, pat
him, tousle his bristly ears. It seemed
real important that Shari see how
much he liked me.

s it going, champ?"

He'd give me a few wet sniffs, then
swivel that snout around and turn tail
on those ridiculous sissified trotters.
Show me that nubby corkscrew, aloof.

Still, I kept at it. 1 brought him little
gifts. I gave him a Cubs cap, but he
shook it loose and later I found it slob-
bery and chewed in the corner.

As soon as I heard him scooting his
empty dish across the kitchen lino-
leum, I would hop up to fill it. Volun-
teering like this was part of my scheme:
I figured that if he associated me with
(continued on page 124)

"And stop leaving your sex toys all over the porch for me to trip over!"

Wave Rave

hot weather, cool

toys and hotties.
come on in, the

waters fine

Peddle slower, man, those chicks Not ready for the big waves? Stay near shore on a
оп the surfboards are falling Morey Skimmer, a wood-laminate skimboard that's
behind! Future Beach's Barracuda rocker shaped to lessen your chance of an ass-in-the-
water bike for two can hit a air nose digger ($35 to $50, depending on size).
blistering six miles per hour if
you're really pumping. A stable
trimaran keeps you and
your brew (yep, there's

Where the Babes Are
S Canyon, 5 Be

Soutn Padre Island in Texas

Panama City Beach, Florida

гл. Myrtle Beach, South Carolina

Gulf Shores in Alabama

The Catamaran 200, a poly- The Sea-Doo Sea Scooter is a recharge-
ethylene Future Beach kayak able swim-assist gizmo that can take
for two, has a streamlined you for a hell of an underwater ride at
hull for higher speeds, re- speeds up to two miles per hour—
movable backrests and built- reaching à maximum depth of

in paddle holders ($600). Great | 65 feet ($400). Don't

for checking out the sea life

around you. (Word to the

wise: Bring a pair of binocs.)

Think of Yamaha's GP1300R personal watercraft as an
aquatic Dodge Viper. Its fuel-injected, 165 hp marine en-
gine will let you and a passenger (bet she's holding on
tight) see almost 65 miles per hour on the digital instru-
ment display. Five-position trim adjustment allows for
exceptional handling ($8900).

ри 4

WHERE AND HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 134.

Wally

©ЕЕ ШЕ WORDS

SCURRILOUS SLAMS, VILE TRASH-MOUTH TAKEDOWNS, KEYBOARD-
MELTING REVIEWS: FIVE MEDIA FEUDS THAT REFUSE TO DIE.
READ DN, IT'5 GETTING LIGLY.

women of letters, members of the fourth estate—
have a nasty habit of getting downright nasty.
Sometimes it's to bite back at a chronic critic. Oth-
er times it's to brutalize the preposterous, the

Sticks and stones can break your bones, but bones
will eventually knit and heal. Words, in the age of
the Internet, are considerably more dangerous,

. In our Googlefied world, a poison-pen
review, a vicious gossip-column slag or a demean-
ing but funny insult can replicate endlessly, a killer
virus in cyberspace.

And who better to use words as a weapon than
those who use words for a living? The brightest
lights of the literary and media worlds—men and

pompous, the persistently annoying. Once in a
great wi 's over a point of honor.

Forget any outmoded notions of a "gentleman's
profession"—these men and women can mix it up
like drunken Marines. Here are some of the great-
est media death matches of the modern age, five
feuds that refuse to go away.

BY SIMON DUMENCO

L rary lions roar! In this corner, the dandified, legendary
journalist and author Tom Wolfe, who argues that his heav-

ly researched fiction—“full-blooded realism," he calls it—is the
right stuff ro revivify the moribund American novel. Facing him,
a tag team of John Irving, John Updike and Norman Mailer, lead-
ing men of American letters (and at least rwo experienced
brawlers among them), who dismiss Wolfe’s wildly popular nov-
els Bonfire of the Vanitics and A Man in Full as fine entertain-

ment for the masses bur something far short of real literature.
FIRST BLDDD

read the title of Updike’s review of ¢
Man in Full, in the November 9, 1998 New Yorker. Updike, a re
iewer of uncommon р city, came on soft and si
praise for Wolfe’s new по
Sueno d oor EU every г
son to expect yet another glowing review, like rhe ones bestowed
by The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, Time and

Newsweek, But despite the head fakes, Updike's intentions
were revealed as he crepr closer to the heart of the matter.
While noting Wolfe's popularity and irresistibility—A Man
in Full, he wrote, is “a book that defies you not to buy
it"—Updike went on to ascribe the novel's appeal to its au-
thor’s populist pandering: “Like a movie desperate to re-
coup its bankers’ investment, the novel tries too hard to
please." Then he went in for the kill: “A Man in Full still
amounts to entertainment, not literature, even literature in
a modest aspirant form.

A little more than a month later, in The New York

Review of Books, Norman
Mailer weighed in: “The
book has gas and runs out of
gas, fills up again, goes dry. It
is a 742-page work that reads
as if it is 1500 pages long."
Ас every turn, Mailer under-
cut his faint praise (“This is,
to a degree, a compliment,
since it is very rich in mate-
rial") with robust conde
scension (the book is “banal,
like a long afternoon spent
warching soap operas”). Bur
then Mailer took off the
gloves: "At certain points,
reading the work can even be
said to resemble the acr of
making love to a 300-pound
woman. Once she gets on
top, it's over. Fall in love, or
be asphyxiared."

When Wolfe read these re-
views, he larer wrore, he was
"amazed, not thar the two of
them didn't approve but, at
this stage in their lives, they
had taken the time. "My god,
those rwo old piles of bones,"

I said. "They're my age" "

Mailer's review in particu-
lar was hardly a stealth at-
tack. Bad blood between the
two writers had been flowing
for years. As early as 1989 Mailer had dismissed Wolfe,
declaring that “there is something silly about a man who
wears white all the time, especially in New York." After
Wolfe responded by saying, “The lead dog is the one they
always try to bite in the ass," Mailer took the bait and
zinged back: "Ir doesn’t mean you're the top dog just be-
cause your ass is bleeding.”

John Irving, author of 10 novels thar include The World
According to Garp, was interviewed in 1999 on Hot Type,
a Canadian TV show about books and literature. With
merely a single question from the host, Irving went
ballistic. Calling Wolfe's writing “yak,” Irving said he
couldn't bear to read it because it was mere “journalistic
hyperbole described as fiction. He's a journalist. He can’t
create a character. He can't create a situation. Reading
Wolfe is like reading a bad newspaper or a bad piece in a
magazine. It makes you wince." Irving added that if he
were teaching, "fucking freshman English,” he'd carve up
Wolfe sentences to help students understand bad writing.

WOLFE STRIKES BACK

By that time, the Man in White had appeared on the
cover of Time, and more than a million copies of A Man in
Full had been sold. But Irving’s attack was the final indig-

or Wolfe, this was a war. He now had a trio of pow-

erful detractors whom he dubbed —ro all who would listen—
the Three Stooges. “I think of the three of them now as
Larry, Curly and Moe," Wolfe told the host of Hot Type.

Updike, Mailer and Irving, while each a “talented writ
er,” Wolfe asserted, “have wasted their careers." He dis-
missed the three as "frightened" and later described Mai-
ler's 1979 nonfiction novel based on Gary Gilmore's life
and death, The Executioner's Song, as "the only good
novel he would ever write after his first, The Naked and
the Dead, back in 1948.” (Mailer, it should be noted, has
written nine novels since Tbe Naked and tbe Dead.)

Irving, the youngest of
the three, “would like to be
compared to Dickens,"
Wolfe declared. “Bur what
writer does he see now, the
last year, constantly com-
pared to Dickens? Nor
John Irving bur Tom Wolfe.
It must gnaw at him ter-
ribly." In an interview on
Salon.com, Wolfe also took
the writer to task. “Irving
needs ro ger up off his bor-
tom and leave rhat farm in
Vermont or wherever it is
he stays and start living
again. It wouldn't be that
hard. All he'd have to do is
get our and take a deep
breath and talk to people
and see things and redis-
cover the fabulous and
wonderfully bizarre coun-
try around him: America."

Wolte is willing to talk
abour the feud, which he
insists has an element of
writerly sport to ir. “If Ir-
ving hadn't jumped in, on
impulse, really—because
that TV show wasn't about
me] wouldn't have had
three, and ir just wouldn't
have been any fun," he rold

PLAYBOY. “Three is perfect. I couldn't beat that. The Two
Stooges? That's not catchy. And I mean Irving—ivs really
quite unbelievable—he just suddenly lost it. The censor
with the bleep button couldn't keep up with him."

Updike and Irving have since distanced themselves from
the fracas, but Mailer doesn't concede any ground. “Tom
Wolfe pouts whenever he feels he is not being sufficiently
honored by his literary brothers,” he says. “So I say, yes,
by all means, let’s honor him. He may be the best boy-noy-
elist we have ever had.”

“They felt threatened by my idea of a big return to the
naturalistic novel,” Wolfe says. “And I really do think it
shook them up. Updike had begun doing things thar really
had nothing ro do with the present, and Mailer had done
an autobiography of Jesus Christ, and Irving had done
something, but you never knew where the characters
were—it was very strange.”

Wolfe says he doesn't dread running into Mailer—or Ir-
ving or Updike—on the cocktail circuit, “I'd be most like-
ly to run into Mailer because Updike lives someplace north
of Boston, and Irving lives in New Hampshire or some
such place. But, you know.” he says, “a fistfight between
an 80-year-old and a 73-year-old, that would be pretty
ridiculous.” He succumbs to a hearty chuckle. “I mean, we
could probably blow each other over in one breath.”

THE BLOVIATOR

ME.

DESTROYER GF WORLDS

R ichard Johnson edits the New York Post's Page Six,
the world’s most powerful and widely read gossip
page, embedded in a right-wing tabloid. Actor Alec Bald-
win once rode high atop Hollywood’s A-list, thanks to his
fine work in films ranging from Gleugarry Glen Ross to
The Hunt for Red October and his passionate, volatile
(now former) marriage to Kim Basinger. Baldwin, never
shy about venting opinions, has morphed into a combative
media figure and an outspoken champion of liberal causes
who has considered running for the U.S. Senate.

FIRST BLOOD

In 1999, as an equal-opportunity offender, Johnson's
Page Six briefly took on the Carol Baldwin Breast Cancer
Research Fund, claiming that the charity, started by Alec's
mother, was inept in its collection and disbursement of
funds (Forbes later listed the fund as one of the five worst
among celebrity charities in terms of efficieney—i.e., its
ability to spend its money on charitable recipients rather
than overhead). Baldwin responded first by going on Rosie
O'Donnell's talk show, where he declared that the New
York Post wasn't worthy of being used “co pick up after
my dog"—and that “there's more news on a Bazooka com-
ic." Then the fight moved to Howard Stern's radio show.
Johnson was defending himself, which prompred Baldwin
to call in and engage Johnson
mano a mano. (

“Now, Richard," Baldwin
said, “I know you've got a job
to do. It’s a filthy, ugly, nasty
job and you're very good at
it, by the way. But what have
you got against breast cancer
research?"

Johnson, of course, replied,

*Nothing," then went on to
defend his piece. But Baldwin
wouldn't back off: “Your job is
to bring people down. Your job
is to destroy. You're a destroyer
and the article is a destrover.
Page Six is a harcher job."

Johnson responded: “I mean,
basically, you're just saying
that we are evil, we're a force
tor Satan—Page Six: bad, Alec
Baldwin: good.”

“No, Richard,” Baldwin an-
swered, “the one thing I will
say is that your article is very
badly written. You're a very
bad writer. Thar's the biggest
problem I have. Other people
who do what you do are just
so much better at it and more
clever than you."

“Am I supposed to start
bringing up the bad movies you've made?” Johnson
countered.

It was a scorched-earth battle, with neither man giv-
ing ground. Baldwin: “The New York Post is a piece of

garbage. The editorial board of the New York Post needs
to be flushed into the river. As a Christian I pray for you
every night, Richard Johnson."

Johnson: “If I have Alec Baldwin praying for my soul,
now Im scared.”

ROPE-A-DOPES

After the Stern show, Johnson took on Baldwin-bashing
as a full-time job. He devoted endless column inches to the
actor’s then-troubled marriage, to his physique (“over-
weight, bloated”), his career (“underemployed actor"), his
politics (Baldwin famously promised to leave the United
States if George Bush got elected; after the election, the
Post couldn't stop asking, “What's he still doing here?”).

But the smart bomb came in the form of a nickname. In
a masterstroke, Johnson dubbed Baldwin “the Blovia-
tor"—a Menckenesque tag that stuck as tenaciously as the
Post's “Portly Pepperpot” moniker for Monica Lewinsky.

Last summer, Baldwin went on Stern’s radio show again
and declared that “a boxing match with Richard Johnson
would be over in 60 seconds.” When Stern tried to get
Baldwin to commit to an actual match, Baldwin demurred:
“I wouldn't want to be liable for the damages. I would bear
Richard Johnson’s ass so bad.” Johnson responded lat-
er with, “Anytime, anywhere,” and quoted an oddsmaker
on Page Six who declared him
favored 3-to-1 over Baldwin,
though he also said, “the Blo-
viator is а 100-to-1 favorite to
eat more corned beef at the
Carnegie Deli."

ALEC BALDWIN:

MENACE ТП
MOTORISTS?

Even a street sighting of the
actor served as an excuse for
Page Six to ridicule him: “Bur
ton up your overcoat, Alec
*Bloviator' Baldwin, and warch
where you're walking,” read

an item in January 2002. “The
actor, in a long black trench
coat, was lost in thought (remi-
niscing about Kim Basinger?)
Saturday at 11:30 rM., as he
headed north through Times
Square where Broadway and
Seventh Avenue merge.”

“I think it’s all his doing,"
says Johnson. “He’s very arro-
gant and has a habit of making
enemies. I think it’s a selt-
destructive thing.” (Apparently,
though, not a self-defense thing.
Baldwin declined to reengage
Johnson for this story.) The Page

Six boss admits, though, to a certain grudging admiration for
Baldwin’s obstinacy. "Actually, I wish there were more stars
out there like the Bloviator. A lot of them are too timid and
afraid to say anything or do anything or have any character.”

THE BANE OF MOGULS

VS.

THE QUEEN OF BUZZ

ald, curmudgeonly and
hugely influential New
York magazine media colum-
nist Michael Wolff arrived on
the scene four years ago as a
journalistic pit bull who de-
lights in taking big, bloody
bites out of sporlight-hogging
media figures. He has mixed it
up with moguls like Fox chief
Rupert Murdoch and USA
Interactive czar Barry Diller,
knocking them down to size
as the merger-mad me
world of the mid-Nincties to
late Nineties began to unravel.
(Full disclosure: I edit Wolff's
column for New York maga-
zine.) In fact, he so angered
Diller that when Wolff wrote
scathingly of an carly en-
counter with the then-bud
ding media mogul, Diller was
quoted in the Nere York Daily
News as saying to a friend,
“I should have killed Wolff
when I had the chance."
But of all his targets, Wolff
has made Tina Brown his pub-
lic enemy number one. The
blonde Brit Brown is a leg
endary magazine editor, cred-
ited with rescuing Vanity Fair,
reviving The New Yorker (purists insist she did so by
cheapening it) and producing one of the most anticipated
media launches of the Nineties, Talk magazine. The Vanity
Fair wannabe was launched with a megawatt-celebriry is-
land party under the shadow of the Statue of Liberty and
crashed to earth after just two and a half years when its
backers pulled the plug. Since then, Brown has bided time
by writing her own toothy, mogul-mauling column for The
Times of London.

FIRST BLOOD

Even before the first issue of Talk—which Brown launched
with Miramax studio chief Harvey Weinstein and the pub-
lishing conglomerate Hearst—rolled off the presses, Wolf
pronounced it doomed. In a column delineating her talents
as “pruricnce, cruelty, sycophantry and snobbery,” Wolff
went personal and described an encounter with a clueles
sounding Brown at her start-up magazine's offices: “She
seemed, behind her desk, rightly wound, severe, nervous,
wearing a dowdy banker-girl blue suit. .

Even worse, he allowed her to hoist herself on her own
hot hot hot petard. Doing nothing to disabuse readers of
the notion that Brown was an overrated buzz merchant, he
quoted her as saying, “I believe heat is quality."

Wolff wrote, “1 was surprised that she would acknowledge

” adding that he told Brown that “many people would
say the problem with Tina Brown is that she helieves heat is
quality.” He caught her off-guard in a Freudian slip, and he

wasn't about to give her the
benefit of the doubi—or a
gracious out.

“She looked uncompre-
hending for a second,” Wolff
wrote, twisting the knife.
“Then stricken. “No!” she
said. ‘Quality is heat.’ She
seemed annoyed thar | might
hold her to her slip, and our
talk ended shortly thereafter.”

In Talk, Brown returned
fire, writing in her own "Di-
ary” column of her encounter
with the “heart-stoppingly
handsome” Wolff: “When
Wolff came to interview me,
my heart sank as soon as he
sidled up and fixed me with
his baleful, masturbatory
glare. Evidently he was hav-
ing a less-than-perfect hair

Perhaps I was too.”
retort in the press at
the time: “My hair is the
same every day. I just think
it’s hilarious. She’s so full of
anger.” He also tried to deci-
pher her dig about his coun-
tenance. “What is a mastur-
batory glare? Was I just
expressing self-love? Whar a
turn of phrase.

NOT A TWIT

Wolff's real opportunity for a return volley, though,
came when Talk folded in early 2002. He not only
ridiculed the newly downsized Brown in a New York col-

umn titled “Failure is Hot!” but he declared Brown to be
something of a fraud in a front-page interview with The
New York Times. “This is no ordinary failure,” he told the
paper of record. “She staked everything and was wiped
out. She's a little Enronish." WI Brown worked the
media circuit to chalk up Та failure to the post-9/11
downturn, friends say she seethed about Wolff's oppor-
tum postmortem bashing. Since then, when Wolff and
Brown have been sported at the same magazine-industry
events, neither has crossed the room for an air-kiss detente.

Wolff says Brown “has always been an interesting figure
of the moment, but figures of the moment, when the mo-
ment passes, seem somewhat comic. And I guess that can
be wounding, especially if you don’t have a larger sense of
yourself, We are all of us, more or less, comic figures, es-
pecially people in the media business, which is a business
that's finally about searching for the spotlight.

“Right now it would seem the better part of valor for
Tina Brown to go home to England. Because | may be the
last person in America to care about her.”

Brown retaliates by declining to acknowledge the very
existence of her nemesis, suggesting, of course, that at least
onc Englishwoman cares not a whit about Michael . .. who?

THE STAGGERING GENIUS

FF 0" many in the media it was too
much to bear. Dave Eggers, 32, a gift-
ed, shaggy-haired satirist, wrote a post-
modern memoir, A Heartbreaking Work
of Staggering Genius, that was so well re-
ceived by critics and readers (National
Book Award nomination, number one
spot on the New York Times nonfiction
best-seller chart) he was anointed the
voice of a generation. Along the way, he
managed to incite a seething, worked-up
mob composed of media townspeople
he'd bashed, as well as any number of
sweaty aspirants to his literary success, in-
cluding A Million Little Pieces memoirist
James Frey and Everything's Burning nov-
list Ian Spiegelman.

FIRST BLOOD

Eggers’ antagonists argue thar he started it all just by be-
ing, well, Dave Eggers. Despite his great reviews and bus-
loads of cash—$1.4 million for the paperback rights to his

MSE
EVERYONE

memoir and a couple of million more
for the movie rights—Eggers has dis-
played a nearly psychotic touchiness
about any and all media that would deign
to deconstruct his makeshift literary em
pire, including his clubby McSweeney's
literary journal and website.

In 2001, Eggers published a scathing
screed on McSweeneys.net, attacking
New York Times reporter David Kirk-
patrick for his profile of the Genius ge-
nius. Eggers exhaustively catalogued and
annotated Kirkpatrick's often-obse-
quious e-mails (in which the Timesman
prostrared himself in hopes of getting
an Eggers interview) in a manner so
abusively over-the-top that observers
squirmed and wondered if Eggers had
come undone.

His distended “Clarifications Page" dissection began:
“This article, by Mr.
of for many reasons.

rkpatrick, will be made an example
Among (continued on page 136)

WHY CAN'T WE GET ALONG: HISTORY'S GREATEST FELIDS

Catholics vs. Protestants

When Martin Luther nailed his 95 theses to
the door of Wittenberg Cathedral in 1517,
he triggered a schism in the Christian faith.
between those who believe that Jesus is
truly, truly awesome and those who believe
he is simply the best.

Opening salvo: Decades of tension between
the two religions ignited the Thirty Years"
War, in 1618, pitting the Holy Roman Em-
pire (present-day Germany and Austria)
against England, France, Denmark and Swe-
den, among others.

Bloodiest conflict: A one-day siege by the
Catholic League in 1631 burned the German
city of Magdeburg to the ground,

ly 25,000 people, most of them ci y
Resolution: The Peace of Westphalia (actual-
ly a collection of several smaller treaties) end-
ed the war in 1648, thus ending religious
persecution forever and ensuring tranquillity
throughout Europe for all time.

Keith Richards vs. Elton John

It's a clash of rock millionaires when the im-
mortal Rolling Stones guitarist takes on the
troll-like balladeer in a war of words that
barely obscures the fact that neither has
made a listenable record in years.

Opening salvo: In a diatribe directed at
Princess Diana, Richards took aim at Sir El-
Хол? rewrite of Candle in the Wind, done in
her honor. “I find it jars a little,” said Keef.
“After all, it was written for Marilyn Monroe.
This is writing songs for dead blondes.”
Bloodiest conflict: "He's pathetic,” Elton
snapped back. "It's like a monkey with arthri-
tis trying to go onstage and look young. The
Stones would have been better if they'd
thrown Keith out 15 years ago."

Resolution: Little hope for peace after Richards
dubbed Elton "Sir Fucking Brown Nose." “If
you're gonna slam into me," scowled the surly
Stone, "say it to my face. You won't have to
worry about growing hair anymore!"

North vs. South

Barely four score and five years into the histo-
ry of our nation, America found itself divided
along geographic lines on issues ranging from
slavery to proper usage of the word y'all.
Opening salvo: Rebel general PG.T. Beaure-
gard ordered liis troops to fire on Fort Sumter,
in Charleston, South Carolina, on April 12,
1861. They soon captured the Union base,
and Virginia seceded on May 23 of that year.
Bloodiest conflict: On September 17, 1862,
the collision between Union general George
McClellan and Confederate general Robert E.
Lee at Antietam would leave more than
23,000 casualties in a single day—the dead-
liest battle in American history.

Resolution: After General Lee's surrender at
Appomattox in 1865, the South was subject-
ed to a crippling period of Reconstruction, a
combined 78 years in office from Senators
Strom Thurmond and Jesse Helms and eight
seasons of Mama's Family.

77/7,

SSSs

The
Brewful

— America

a brewer's dozen offbeat domestic beers—what's not to like?
our tasters pick the best

By James Oliver Cury

| India Pale Ale

mê boney

Wildent

This strong Indio pole.
ole reminded one pon-
elit of a dissolved echi-
пова capsule. A biher
oftertoste lingers ‘like o
wildeot in heat stolking
its prey,” but the some
toster suggested thot
Wildcat would be
really greot with spicy
Chinese, Thai or.
Indion dishes,

ongmont =
lo [2

Deep Cover
‚One hord-up toster
attributed “aphrodisioc
qualities” to this brown
ole, describing it as
"reminiscent of on
enduring French kiss.”
Other less romontic
types commented on
its “wonderful smooth-
ness," “delicious oher-
toste” ond “nice
tight bubbles.”

ا س

Ghettoblaster
This unfiltered mild ole
didn't tune in well with
ош ponelists. "Probably
OK with some brots,”
soid one, odding, "It's
still too light for hop-
heads like me." Another
tester bemooned on
“aftertaste similor ta
hair sproy” and said,
"lt reminds me of
dirty water”
XA

Weizenheimer
"Kind of reminds me of
Hubbo Bubba,” soid
one tester obout this
light New Hampshire
ale. “Sill the tote
grows on you.” A“per-
fect becch sex brew”
wos the comment of a
Temole panelist who
found the hint of ba-
nona in the finish
appeoling. Hmmm.

Goose Island

|| “Smells o lot like fresh
breod, tostes delicious,
with a creomy stort, o
molty middle ord not
100 much hops,” soid
one enlhusiosticloster.
of this India pole ole
that’s brewed not too
for from our Chicogo
offices. Other panelists
chanted positively
"This goose is loose!”

Olde Buzzard
“Reminds me of a pret-
zel,” said one panelist
who liked this loger's
strong and complex Ho-
vors. "Appeoling ond
slightly tart,” said an-
other, while applauding
the foc thot o portion
of the brewery's profits
дото the preser-
tion of Massachusetts

farmlonds.

Blackened Voodoo
Rice added in the fer-
mentation process gives
this loger more Понос,
we were informed by
one experienced toster
“Merlot meets Boss
ole,” soid another, who
‚odded, “This stuff is a
little bit on the sweet
side. їз 0 good beer
10 go olong with o
cheeseburger.”

PHOTOGRAPHY BY DAVID GOODMAN

Beer 101 Travel Plans?
everything you need to know about the greatest beverage on earth

Месо beer that's fermented ter aroma ond flavor. Dor! as block os cafe, stout is nol
with yeast at worm tempera- smoke it. Lager: Lighter much mare potent thon any
tures. Amercon oles have a. beer known for their фий, athe ber. The phrase “beer
ТШС oc thon their Euro smootheass ond in sammen. belly® E nal direcly related
er ern ee
meon thot in the bes sense. liquor: Beer with more oko- fons ore familiar with bat
Bunghole (also, bung): hol. Pilsner: Tiiseosy-dink- Wheat: The yeost used in for-
Beovis ond But-heod aside, ing brew with o strong favor eign wheat beers makes them
the bunghoe iso smell open. of hops was formulated in юс aromatic for some Amer-
ingin a kegor cosk fited with Pilsen (in the Сей Republi) icon palote, so our crofy

Hit the raad,
o spigot. Unless you ore o in 1842. Porter: Created in brewers substitute on ole ТЕЗЕ
brewer, it’s probably wise not — London during the eariy 18th yeast culture ond, on occasion, what's brewing
to use the word in mised com- century, this type of dork- kick up the flavor with honey in Snoqualmie,
pony. Hops: on herb in the brown ale wos marketed os ог fruit. Zymurgy: The nest Washington,

Billings, Man-

Comabinaceoe fomily (ond richer ond more substontiol time someone asks what your | | Pines Mon

therefore grouped with con- than ole—just the thing for mojor wos in college, soy | | Indiana end
nobis). When added ta fer- heavy laborers on their lunch — “zymurgy’—it's the siene | | Lewes,
menting beer it creates о bit- breok Stout: While it looks Delowore.

Feoniternfted Aart PU

pen иемин нат,

Alonto Billings Munster y Lewes ©
Georgio Montono Indiono Delowore

Laughing Skull Grizzly Wolff tide Pride & Joy Bierbitzch Midas Touch

“Odd, smokytlovar,”soid | This pleasant, mildly corbon- | “You could get really ripped | “Pleasant nuttines” de- "Whether or not you like this | "Serve Midos Touch in o
‚one of our fosters after ‘ated wheat beer impressed | оп Riptide,” said a toster scribes the toste of this mild | golden pilsner, it's fun to soy. | winegloss, not о beer stein,”
cocking u Shull pilsner. The | our panel оз being “more | whothought this bourbon- | ole—ond the jester on its | “Tastes dry, like wine with a | our tasters suggested alter o
some ponelis lso thought | beorcubthon grown griz- | colored гей ole wos one af | label. “Wonderful aroma” | bite” commented one pon- | sip af this haney-ond-grope-
thebeer hoda hint of butter | zly" "Н уоште fullond still | the best in our selection. wos the consensusofthe | elist Others gove a thumbs- | flavored ole (purportedly
‘ond wos quite creomy. "The | wont о beer, try this,” soid “Smells like the seo,“ “Iruity | tasters, olong with “pleosort | up to its carbonation, spicy, | based onon ancient recipe).
тоге you drink, the more | one. They olsa liked Griz- | nose” ond “silky ahertoste” | oftertoste”ond “medium- | sweet body and complete | Other ponelist comments:
you store ot that psychedelic | zly’s deon ohertoste and the | were other ocolodes,olung | bodied sweet moliiness.” | обоо bitter oftertaste. “an огото like connabis,”
skull on the label.” A less foc thot it seemed consider- | with "good full-bodied flo- All the panelists agreed. One ol our panelists fell the | “over-the-top smoothness,”
hypnotized panelist thought | ably lesscorbonated thon | vor, “hint of gropefruit™ thot this gentle Indiono carbonation wos o bit over- | “olmos! ike о dessert wine"
Skull “tasted о lot like most of the other brews ond “would go well with brew would oppecl ta 0 powering while onother ‘ond “taste reminds me of
rotten fish.” being tested. greasy bar food.” novice beer drinker. thought it was just righi hord liquor, not beer.”

WHERE AND HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 139

wo years ago Marketa Janska
left her home in the Czech Republic to
travel in Europe. Then the 22-year-old
received an offer to model in Los An-
geles, and we were delighted to learn
that she moved into the apartment
complex where one of our friends
lives. We asked her to meet us by the
building's pool rather than at the Man-
sion, and the minute she approached
us it was clear that the casual setting
suited her perfectly. Modest Marketa
wears no makeup and seems immune
from the posturing that often accom-
paries the "LA model" label.

As you listen to this fresh-faced beau-
ty communicate her dream of becom-
ing a professional singer, what she says
is more telling than the English she
uses to express it. ^I want to do some-
thing no one else has done,” Marketa
says in her soft voice. “I've studied
since I was six and am now a trained
classical singer. I play the piano, guitar
and flute. At home, | was studying to
become a grammar school teacher like
my mother. It was not exciting for me.”
Marketa found a vocal coach she likes
and is currently working on a demo.
“Right now, I'm trying to lose my
accent and sing perfectly." Marketa
comes off so naturally—her green eyes
convey a sincerity that makes us want
to help her out in any way we can— yet
we hope she doesn't lose her engaging
accent completely.

Miss July comes from a small village
outside of Prague that she describes
as down-to-earth, an atmosphere that

PHOTOGRAPHY BY
STEPHEN WAYDA

Before she come to Americo, Morketo oppeored in o lot of Europeon magazines, swimsuit
colendors ond TV commerciols. "The first time | posed topless I had just turned 18, ond it
wos very uncomfortoble for me," soys Markela. "I wos still o girl ond just smiled owk-
wardly for the camera. | see things differently lodoy. Now I feel like o woman."

she

helped her remain grounded sche
left home to start modeling. “I was

slowly getting used to traveling to big-
ger cities and meeting new people, so it
was not that shocking to come to LA,"
she says. It didn't take long for Mar-
keta to pick up on the different dating
styles of Czech and American guys.
Does she have a preference? “It de-
pends on the person and how charis-
matic he is," she says. "In America,
a guy would want to impress me by
taking me to an expensive restaurant,

something fancy. In the Czech Repub-
lic, we would go for a bicycle ride or on
an afternoon hike or maybe enjoy a
barbecue—something simple. I don't
like show-offs—I like nice guys who
don't try too hard. It doesn't matter
what a man looks like—he should be
easy to talk to and straightforward, and
he should move slowly.

Marketa, who is here on a work per-
mit, wants to try to become an Ameri-
can citizen in a few years. Sti
strong ties to those she left

have two younger brothers and I care a
lot about my she says. "In five
years I see myselfliving in the U.S., but
not married. I want to have children
much later, too—maybe in 10 years.
I'm going to enjoy every day and see
what happens." One unexpected turn
for Marketa was an offer to play a
Czech girl in a movie. "Acting can be
fun and I'm very serious about all
the work that 1 do, but 1 am happiest
when I'm singing," she says. "That is
where my heart is."

PLAYMATE DATA SHEET

NAME:
m n WAIST: P LE HIPS: 424
HEIGHT: WEIGHT: HA.

BIRTH DATE: M zero MO, Late Le uat

аа
Donan, AMY 04. UG AAY ands de берди

2 } 7 )
FIVE ITEMS I CAN'T LIVE УИА
Landlıs , rman? Cl.
THE SEXIEST MAN num: Сло dau :

PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES

President Bush and Colin Powell were having
breakfast at a restaurant in a small town. The
surprised waiter said, "It's a real honor to meet
both of you. But what in the world are you
two doing here?"

Bush said, "We're planning World W:
We're going to kill a lot of innocent ci
and one blonde with big ti

The waiter asked, "Why
big tits?”

Bush turned to Powell and said, “See. I told
you no one would worry about the civilians."

Hl.
ans

ill a blonde with

Апет returning from his honeymoon with his
new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped in his New
York neighborhood barbershop. The barber
asked, “Hey, Luigi. How was da trip?”

Luigi said, “Everything was perfect except
for da train ride down. Virginia had packed a
big basket of food with vino and cigars. When
we got hungry, we opened it up. The conduc-
tor came by, wagged his finger at us and said,
“You can't eat in this car. You must use da din-
ing car.

"So me and Virginia went to da dining car,
ate a big lunch and opened a bottle of vino.
"The conductor came by again, wagged his fin-
ger and said, 'You can't drink in this car. You
must use da club car."

"So we went to da club car. 1 lit my cigar. The
conductor came by, wagged his finger at us
and said, "You can't smoke in this car. You must
go to da smoking car."

“So we went. Later that evening Virginia
and I went to our sleeper car. We were just
about to have sex when da conductor walked
by our door, yelling, 'NO-FOK. VIRGINIA! NO-FOK,
VIRGINIA!”

A man and a woman started to have sex in a
dark forest. After 15 minutes the man said, "I
can't see what I'm doing. I vish that I had a
flashlight.”

The woman said, “Yeah, so do I. You've
been eating grass for the past 10 minutes.”

A man walked into a drugstore. He asked the
pharmacist if the store carried condoms with
insecticide in them. The pharmacist replied,
“You mean spermicide.”

The man said, “No, I mean insectic
wife hi
after it.”

е. My
a bug up her ass and I'm going in

A young man moved into an apartment build-
ing. He went to the lobby and put his name on
the mailbox. A young lady approached him,
panny nothing but a robe. As she began talk-
ing to him, her robe slipped open, revealing
that she was naked underneath. The young
man broke into a sweat. She placed her hand
on his arm and said, "Let's go back to my
place. 1 hear someone coming.”

Once inside, she closed the door and al-
lowed her robe to fall off. He gawked at her
naked body. She asked, “What would you say is
my best feature?”

He said, "It's got to be your ears.”

She said, "What? Look at my breasts and my
butt. You think my ears are my best feature?"

He said, " Well, outside, when you said you
heard someone coming, that was me."

A senior citizens’ group chartered a bus. An
elderly woman came up to the driver and said,
“Гуе been molested.”

The driver thought she was delusional and
told her to sit back down. Теп minutes later,
another old woman came forward and claimed
she'd also been molested. So the driver pulled
into a rest stop. He saw an old man on his
hands and knees in the aisle. “Hey, gramps,
what are you doing down there?" the bus dri-
ver asked.

The old man replied, “I lost my toupee. 1
thought I found it twice, but when I grabbed

it, it ran away."

What's the difference between a boner and a
bonus? Your wife will blow your bonus.

А new nun began to resent her life of absti-
nence. She confessed to Mother Superior that
she was horny. "Comfort yourself with a can-
dle," Mother Superior advised.

“Tve tried that," the young nun said. “But
you get tired of the same old thing, wick in and
wick out."

Pıaysov ciassic: How is Viagra like Disney
World? You have to wait an hour for a three-
minute ride.

Send your jokes to Party Jokes Editor, PLAYBOY, 680
North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611, or
by e-mail to jokes@playboy.com. $100 will be paid to
the contributor whose submission is selected. Sorry,
jokes cannot be returned.

MARTY

MURPHY

‘Aw c'mon, Miss Fenwick! Everybody's wearing low-rider jeans these days.”

103

Gomeon D
MYSTERIOU. AVID CROSS RECENTLY RECEN
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post to Be Sent in the Future if a Time Machine Is SUIT.
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sister, who work-funs for the Department ‘of Homeland Security, is lost- We believe she's some“ - HOLL
where in the Warehouse (formerly North Dakota), where they store all our files. Her tracking : MUCH DO STAM
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sure that no one sleeps too erotically. My official work-fun tit de? Head of Crybabies- When the ІШ THEY ARE ТШ
ast source of fresh water was poisoned in 2042, he country instituted а bold new plan to Ci П
replenish our water” ™ supply: inization of tears* After it became egal to clone immi- HICKENS APIECE!
grants, Senate Pro Tem Wal R.-Canada) came upon the solution of ‘torturing them and
extracting their tears. Now water®™ costs only 14 tap ces.
My typical day: Wake up. pop a shower pill,” suit Up. insert one of my penises (evolution!)
into the penis scanner and go to WOH hobbies include growing medical marijuana for
lab rats (not for ‚the tests are still jnconclusive) and Tome-brewing Botox. Oops.
have to 80 for now—the probes ale triangulating my position. Again, this is nota letter.

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"We'd love to join you in a foursome, but could we finish the round first?"

107

PLAYBOY

MASTEH THESE ESSENTIAL LOOKS AND
THE WORLD'S YOUR MANSION

7 i was a time, not =

all that long ago,
when most men shared

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We wanted to be the
duke—Tudor mansion,
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Bond-style wardrobe.
These days, things are
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be the New Playboy.

М FASHION BY JOSEPH DE АСЕТІЅ
T f PHOTOGRAPHY BY ANTOINE VERGLAS
PRODUCED BY JENNIFER RYAN JONES

PLAYBOY

| : He's in a cashmere
seater with patches by o
($380), a stretch cotton shirt by
($210), cotton
pants from

($410) and a Vertex
Chrono watch by id ($115).
At rear is a single-breast
ed, three-button suit ($1370) and shirt.
($280) by Striped tie by
$125), pocket square by
($115) and lace-up loafers by

($595). Tne man adjusting

her thong is wearing e three-button suit

($3200), shirt ($325) and jacquard

tie ($125) all by lace-up

loafers by ($315) and a

pockel square by ($115). In

front, he's in a suit ($1465) and shirt

($275) by a tie by
($85), special-edition

18-kt. rose gold diamond-bezel watch

with five time zones by

($50,000), sunglasses by

($89) and pocket square by

($115). Her So Hollywood thong is by

t t ($17).

The JINI FOR PREZ T-shirt at left,
($28), pullover beneath it ($58) and knit pants
($64) are all by His shoes
|» are Low Dunk Pro Stillwaters by (5180).
The-girl between his legs is in bra ($24) ang
garter skirt ($20) by
shoes by Stuar ($180). in TE
“middle, he's in a polo shirt ($60), pants ($52)
and Phat Classic sneakers ($65) by
His cap is by
($22) and his watch is by

ee At his feet, at left. is a blue crocheted top
(S675) and a peach bra
(332) and garter belt ($20) by

At right are a Harlem Globetrotters top

($98) and tear-away pants ($85) by
His white doo rag. tank top and T-shirt are
by ($50), his sweat-
band is by (S10) and his watch is by
($85). Her bra-and-shorts set is
(S42) and her black

y g
sandals are by (S380).

THIS PAGE: Backleft, he's in a polo ($69), T-shirt (S27).
cotton pants ($79) and linen golf cap all by Rosasen. Up
against the Mercedes: He's wearing a polo ($62), cottom
vest (572) and plaid pants ($75) all by Rosasen. His
shoes are by Paul Smith ($125) and his watch іза
Malte Grande Classique in 18-kt. rose gold with a diamond
bezel, by Vacheron Constantin ($13,500). She's in a
halter top ($32) and miniskirt ($34) by Baby Phat. Her
cap is by Lithium Manufacturing ($40).

THAT PAGE; The bike is a
100th Anniversary VRSCA
V-Rod from Harley-David-
son ($18,695). And he's in
a pair of FXRG leather pants
($420), Competition jacket
($500), Mega Harness His
boots ($132) and fingerless
gloves ($29) all by Harley-
Davidson. His T-shirt is by,
Le Coq Sportif ($98).
girl at left is in a top by Afen
В ($149). The guy at Hac
left is in a Zero racer jabket
by Toschi International
($2250), pants by Mare
Jacobs ($188), tank by
2(x)ist ($16), Scout belt by
Lithium Manufacturing
($15) and sunglasses by
Silhouette ($250). At
right, he's in a military jacket

by Marc Jacobs ($298),
pants by Prada ($315), a
Basic Rider jacket by Har-
ley-Davidson ($300),
boots by Frye ($235), and
a belt ($395) and 1979 Mike
Oliver Rodeo Clown buckle
($795) by Buffalo Chips.
The girl at right is in a top
(548) and skirt ($48) by

uess, belt by Helen
Yarmak ($200) and shoes
by Stuart Weitzman
($280). THIS PAGE: He's
in a tux ($3600) and shirt
($395) by Borrelli; pocket
Square ($115), bow tie ($90)
and cummerbund ($125) by
Dunhill. Paradis Extra co-
gnac and glass by Hen-
nessy ($275). Her bodysuit
isby La Perla ($322).

WHERE AND HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 131.

€.

THE NEW TUX

IT ile

for the new 5 Uu X is in the details fashion by

Everybody's got a suit. And most of us have at least one decent pair of shoes. It's the accessories, however, that distinguish today's
welldressed man from a guy who's just dressed up. They're the finishing touches to any outfit. Pictured here, left to right from far
left, are the ultimate accessories for the Playboy Man. The gunmetal fountain pen is by MITH ($250). The black crocodile

wallet is by ($395). The shoehorn is the signature version by z ) ($85). The cuff
links, with blue crystals set inside the squares, are by LIE (S165). The stainless-steel watch is by Г L ($1190). The
leather-and-silver valet key chain is by ($75). The pewter flask is by - (5270). The belt—in
black alligator with a nickel buckle—is by ($350). The sunglasses are by DE ($230). They're called Playviators. The print-
ed silk tie, below at left, is by Е (S120). The striped silk tie, below at right, is by L ($110)

photography by Chuck Baker / produced by Jennifer Ryan Jones

Rachel Weisz

the mummy's lust object wants a potion to make her
invisible. we think that's a very bad idea

PLAYBOY: Please explain your intense
interest in Harry Houdini.

weisz: He was one of the earliest social-
ly acceptable images of S&M—bound
and chained standing there in pain
but with triumphant look on his face.
That's not why l'm drawn to him. I just
love the showmanship, that no prison,
no chain could hold him. The art of
illusion and, in general, escapology is
fascinating. Houdini's last name origi-
nally was Weisz and he was Hungarian.
My dad is Hungarian—my secret fan-
tasy has always been that I'm related
to Houdini.

PLAYBOY: Your mom is a psychothera-
pist. Does that mean there's a greater
likelihood you'll end up on a couch?
WEISZ: A casting couch or a psychoana-
lyst’s couch? | just avoid couches in
general. Best to stay off the couch.

PLAYBOY: You spent some of your child-
hood in Austria. Could psychoanalysis
have been invented anywhere else?
weisz: I can’t think of anywhere else it
could have happened. Turn-of-the-
century Vienna was completely wild
culturally. It was Victorian, but it had
these amazing double standards. So
while it was very Catholic, very moral,
there was this fiery counterculture go-
ing on. There were masked orgies in
the Vienna woods. There was incred-
ible sexual liberation at the time that
gave birth to psychoanalysis, which
was all about what was really going on
underneath, Freud had plenty to work
with in Austria

PLAYBOY: What's the greatest psycho-
logical insight that your mother ever
gave you?

Interview by Robert Crane

weisz: Never trust a man in a bow tie.
It's not true actually, because my dad is
in his 70s now and he’s taken to wear-
ing bow ties. But my mom is slightly
tongue-in-cheek about it. She's just full
of balls of wisdom.

PLAYBOY: You did a nice job capturing
the classic lace-bloused, heaving-bosom
allure of a librarian in The Mummy. Did
you take that look home with you?
weisz: 1 got a letter from a librarian in
England who said she felt 1 totally mis-
represented librarians. She was really
angry. I kept the letter. In the movie
my character was kind of clumsy, a bit
forgetful and a little ditsy, and this li-
brarian wondered why a librarian
would be so ditsy. She wrote me that
librarians come in all different shapes,
sizes and styles, which 1 guess is true.

PLAYBOY: In Enemy at the Gates you
achieved the impossible—looking in-
credibly sexy while being filthy dirty.
Did you realize you were paving new
cinematic ground?

weisz: Wow, no. 1 don't think so. But
we definitely got into the mud and the
dirt. It was quite refreshing because
normally in a movie you're made to
look good all the time. The worse we
looked, the better. The more mud on
our face, the more dust in our hair, the
better. It's quite liberating. It's like be-
ing a kid in a sandpit. Kids love to get
dirty, climb trees, get messy. It's a good
feeling. I was lucky I had a hot bath
every night. I didn’t sleep in the mud

PLAYBOY: Your father is an inventor.
What did you wish he would have
invented?

WEISZ: Probably a potion that you can
drink and be invisible. That would be
great. It would be fascinating to be able

to watch people and they wouldn't be
able to see you. It would be useful to
me as an actor because part of your job
isto watch people. But it would be use-
ful for other reasons, too. I'd go to the
White House, find out what Bush is up
to—what's really going on in there.

PIAYBOY: What things have you done
while listening to Stairway lo Heaven?
weisz: I'm afraid nothing too exotic.
Driven a car. Definitely gone jogging
It makes me run if I listen to it on a
Walkman. I've danced. Really boring
things. Гуе cooked. Well, that's a lie. T
have boiled eggs. I should say. Gotten
ready to go out.

PLAYBOY: How come actors want to be
rock-and-roll stars and rock-and-roll
stars want to be actors?

weisz: Hard to say, since very few peo-
ple can do both. Jack Black is one of
the few who can pull it off. He's a rock.
star, an actor, a comedian. Jack is the
ultimate combo.

PLAYBOY: Your father called your lips
"Mick Jagger lips." Did you work
with that?

weisz: Mine aren't as big as Mick's. My
younger sister's, Minnie's, are. I think
they rival Jagger's lips. If I had said it
to someone | would have meant it as a
compliment, because I think he's got
amazing lips. But from my dad, who's
missed out on rock and roll, it was not
a compliment. He was saying that I
move my mouth too much. It wasn't
like Greta Garbo-still enough. So it was
not a compliment.

PLAYBOY: You own a Jaguar. Are you

crazy? (concluded on poge 140)

PHOTOGRAPHY BY © LORENZO AGIUS

PLAYBOY'S

200

"I'm as patriotic as ihe next American, but that parade passed
here more than an hour ago!"

118

BEREC 56071
ue Wu

| L
AA lot of guys don't know how to kiss.
i Their mouths are too tight because
@ they're nervous and insecure. They
| need to loosen up their jaws and lips.
I want а man to put his tongue in my
1 mouth and deep-kiss me. I want wild
] kissing and sweet kissing at the
ў оте time. I like my breasts fondled
a lot, and not just the nipples, I
| want his hands around the outside
of my breasts, holding them. I like
Î] my breasts and butt touched at the
| same time—one hand cupping my
ÎÎ cheek and the other cupping my |
| breast so I feel like his hands are |
engulfing my whole body—with |
plenty of kissing all the while.

Place else

АЗ АМ А АК CCAA

ESSE SS

ais

RIA,

EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW TO SEDUCE A SUBCULTURE SEX GODDESS

ou have seen her ar the coffee

shop—the tasty chick with artful-

ly disheveled hair, retro Puma
sneakers and a finely honed look of
condescension. Or maybe you spotted
her puffing on a French cigarette our-
side an indic-band concert іп a “transi:
попа Or flipping
through vintage LPs ar a vinyl-only
record shop. She's a hipst

part of town

a sexy пих
ture of the downtown bohemian, street

PHOTOGRAPHY BY STEPHEN MOSKOP

misfit and all-night party girl. She
may drag around a guitar case full of at-
tirude, but underneath that short mod
dress or kirschy Iron Maiden T-shirt,
she's gor a taut little body and no reason
to be home before six in the morning
Of course, to ger inside the hipster
chi Che Guevara-print panties, you
first need ro ger inside her head.

Why bother? Well, aside from rev
ving things up between the sheets with a

girl who won't protest that you're muss
ing her hair, just hanging out with this
unique species can be rewa : Hip
ster chicks will shoot pool with vou and
not complain about chipping a finger-
nail. Hipster chicks will smoke a joint
with you on a Tuesday afternoon. Hip
ster chicks will never make you sit
through à Meryl Streep movie. Best of
all, hipster chicks have tongue piercings
Need we

IDENTIFYING THE HIPSTER HABITAT

Before you can bed hipster chicks,
vou have ro find them. With che excep-
tion of T.G.L Friday's, tanning salons
and Pink Floyd laser shows, hipsters are
common to many parts of these United
States. Nonetheless, hipsters are fairly
selective abour rhe places where they
spend their free time:

HIPSTERS HIPSTERS
FREQUENT AVOID
* Art galleries * Bible studies

e Restaurants that e Restaurants that

serve bruschetta serve poppers
e Dive bars e Sports bars
Wicker Park Wrigley Field
* Coen brothers e Wayans brothers
premieres premieres
e Salvation Army e US Army

WALK THE WALK

Once vou have a fixed position on a
bevy of hipster beauties, it’s time to
make a connection, Remember, these
girls pur a lot of time and energy into
looking like they're wearing whatever
was crumpled on the closet floor that
morning, and they want a partner who
will complement their carefully calcu
lated social presence. Wearing a pair of
pleated khakis, a tie and a Virginia Tech
baseball cap into her favorite metal bar
is more likely to get you mauled by her
pit bull rhan laid. The bottom line:
Hipster chicks will barely acknowledge
your existence if they suspect that
you're not a hipster yourself. (For more
tips on fitting in, see “Hipster Seduction
Gear” on the next page.) But don't be
put off by the hipster chick's inherent
aloofness. Lurking behind that cynical
exterior still resides a woman who
wants to be seduced.

TALK THE TALK

Like denizens of most subcultures,
hipsters converse using special terms to
show they are in the know. In fact, un-
less you study up on basic hipster lingo,
vou might nor know whether she's flirt-
ing with vou or warning you abour her
murderously jealous boyfriend. (See the
glossary of “Hipster Slang" on the next
Instead of trotting our a cheesily
gestive opening line, meet her gaze
with a complacent stare. She'll assume
thar you're deep—or, better, that you're
holding the best weed in the room.
Refrain from saying “nice tattoo” as
an icebreaker—a hipster chick doesn't

HIP & FAMOU

N
Э FAN
MAGGIE GYLLENPAAL BJORK

МЕб ШНТЕ

WINONA RYDER

YOUR STUDIO OR MINE?

HOT CELEBRITY
HIPSTER CHICKS

CHRISTINA RICCI

<=> GOT ANY WEED?
ID AREN'T YOUIN MY
YOGA CLASS?

ЕЭ WADDUP WITH ALL THE
LOSERS HERE?

J HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS
AS YOUR PERSONAL SAVIOR?

КЭ IWAS A VEGETARIAN
BEFORE IT WAS MAINSTREAM.

JD DOES YOUR TONGUE PIERC-
ING MAKE THINGS FEEL DIFFERENT?

ЕСЭ DIDN'T WE MEET AT THE
WTO MARCH?

Ж wHo po vou LIKE MORE:
RUMSFELD OR ASHCROFT?

> IWAS HANGING OUT IN THIS
NEIGHBORHOOD BEFORE IT GOT
ALL GENTRIFIED.

ID WANNA GRAB A STARBUCKS
SOMETIME?

mind if strangers see the body
art creeping above her panty
line, she just thinks it’s boring
to discuss it with them.

Once the conversation heats
up, strive ro be self-deprecating;
hipster chicks may be the only
female subculture on the planet
that considers confidence an
undesirable trait in a potential
matc. Success is anorher rurn-
off: She'll consider it a sure sign
that you've been co-opted by
mainstream society. So instead
of clumsily mentioning the size
of your bank account, find a
way to casually refer to the size
of your import-only record col-
lection, and warch her knees go
weak. Hipsters are also repelled
by Republicans—regardless of
your politcal leanings, identity
yourself as a Democrat, a Marx-
ist or, at the least, a libertarian if
you want to score.

Keep in mind that homopho-
bia is a big taboo for hipsters.
Bisexuality is not necessarily an
attribute, but openness to ex
perimenration is something to
which all hipsters strive. Most
hipster women have had a
same-sex hookup. If you're
looking for a ménage à trois,
she'll need reassurance that you
are open to experimentation—

GEAR

wlotbeag
©
BE GE

MESH BASEBALL CAP

HIPSTER CHICES HATE EVERYTHING
MAINSTREAM. SO FORGET TAN AND
MUSCULAR. THINK PALE AND SICKLY.

even if vou aren't.

KITSCHY OR OBSCURE VINYL

SHOULOER STRAP MESSENGER

HIPSTERS IN HEAT

She's giving you all che right
signals and now you want ro invite
her to your place. Never say, "Do you
want to come inside for a nightcap
less it’s clear you're being ironic. We rec-
ommend emploving more-current per-
suaders such as, "Wanna smoke up?" or

E: 1 had too many bron-
sons last night and woke T y next to a sled dog.

CHIPPER - slut >| Alicia is a chipper and
will sleep with anyone after she's knocked back
half a bronson.

DECK - a key word for most hipsters, similar in
meaning to the antiquated fresh. To be deck is to
be up on the latest trends, cutting edge and hip.
>USAGE: Mike's faux-hawk is deck.

GE.

FIN - the opposite of deck. Fin is similar to out-
dated terms like wack and lame. Something
is fin is seen as bad or undesirable. > USAGE: Vin
Diesel movies are fin.

AND PUT ON A COMPLACENT STARE.

“Yo, you gotta check out my collection of
obscure Belgium techno mastermixes on
limited-edition vinyl.” Take care to hide
any Friends DVDs, framed Monet prints,
aerosol deodorant and other
stream" accoutrements in your home that

“main-

BAG WITH INDIE-BAND PINS

could turn her off. And now that she's
within reach, don't blow it by playing
cheesy seduction music like Barry White
or Sade. And for god’s sake don’t play
anything “atmospheric” like Songs of the
Humpback Whale or Enya.

SHE HAS A WAY OF TALKING. NOW FIGURE OUT WHAT SHE'S SAYING.

FLAVORLESS - heterosexual >
thought he was flavorless until | noticed his Belle
and Sebastian T-shirt.

FLUBBER - breast implants > USAGE: There's
no way those things are real. They're so flubber
they could deflect bullets.

ЕВА = an ugly guy who thinks he's gond-Inok-
I'm going to go say hello to her. The
guy se s with is a frado.

GRAPE - a greeting rapist, someone who cops a
feel when saying hello with an embrace >
Be sure to extend your hand as soon as he ap-

proaches you. That guy is a grape.

JUICER - aladies' man, an individual with unde-
niable sex appeal > USAGE: The ladies all think I'm
a juicer in my Members Only jacket.

KALE - money > USAGE: Yo, can | borrow some
kale to buy a pack of American Spirits?

MAXWELL - homosexual > US He
changed his name from Frank to Fabian. He must
be a maxwell.

NANCY - ass > USAGE: “Amy sure has a good
head on her shoulders." “Maybe so, Mike, but have
you seen her nancy?"

Keep in mind that most hipster
chicks are used to hanging out with
guys who wear Girl Scout T-shirts, so
she may seem a little taken aback if
you're too aggressive. Subrlery is the
key at this crucial juncture. If she
catches you popping Listerine breath
strips, all your hard work could be in
vain. And should you ger a semi when
she accepts your invitation. swing
your messenger bag up front. Its hard
to look hip with a boner.

Will she be worth your time and ef-
fort? YES! Hipster chicks aren't into
free love like their historical prece-
dent, the hippie chick, bur with a little
coaxing, they can be just as adventur-
ous. That's why we've saved the most
important tidbit for last: Hipster
chicks, despite their nonconformist
trappings, all conform to the Law of
Bohemianal:

A. Being bohemian implies a desire
to experiment.

B. Hipster chicks want to be

bohemian.

С. Not experimenting defies the very de-
finition of bohemian.

D. Therefore, remind her about A-C and
she will do anything you want.

LIKE WHAT, YOU SAY?

Hipster chicks use the C word in
bed and encourage vou to do the
same. Hipster chicks will do it on the
fire escape while laughing at the neigh-
bors yelling at you to keep ir down.
And she's willing to whip our her fa-
vorite sex toy in the name of kinky
“performance art.” So enjoy yourself.
Just be sure to buy an extra pack of
American Spirits for the bedside table
and some PBR for the fridge. You may
for a while.

not be going anyw

ORDAIN - having performed a sexual act
with another > USAGE: | saw you leave with the
girl in the cowboy boots. Is she ordained?

PIECE - cell phone > USAGE: | must have
been on the subway when you called. | didn't
hear my piece ring.

SEMI - partial erection > USAGE: | hope I
still have a job on Monday. When my boss
hugged me goodbye at the bar on Friday night
Mad a semi.

SHELLACKED - drunk > USAGE: You must
have been shellacked, dude. You were dancing
to Linkin Park at the club last night!

HIPSTERS ON PARADE

А FIELD GUIDE TO COMMON HIPSTER TYPES. COLLECT ‘EM ALL!

The trendsetter with a youthful glow and
perky tits who likes to rock all night
Pop Rocks Curfews
The Barely Legal
has a rack that,

while modest, is
still fun.

The post-Garcia hippie chick too stylish for
Marinating.

tie dyes or patchouli
gluten Beefy breath

Г. Beware the hair
sometimes

associated with
the Neo-Crunch.

The self-deprecating bombshell hiding:
beneath funky librarian glasses
Flea market Self-confidence

Look what's
| lurking under
Î the Garofalo's
baggy sweater!

THE BIPSTER

The blue-collar hipster who works with her
hands and likes it rough. Motör-
head Bands that use vocoders

1 Bipsters like to
add an edge

with tattoos and
piercings.

PLAYBOY

124

Joint Custody «na rom page 75)

This grunting was disapproval, giving the new guy
the thumbs-down. I was an interloper, a defiler.

meals, I'd be golden. Admittedly, being
the guy who shook out the pig chow
didn't seem to cause any monumental
change in his outlook. He didn't object,
but I saw no Lassie-loyal gaze or any-
thing. He'd just glare up at me with re-
gal disdain, like I was some sort of do-
mestic, the hired help.

Give him time, I thought. He'll come
around. I didn't need him to actually
love me, just to respect me. It wouldn't
hurt, of course, if Shari thought he was
fond of me. 1 had yet to be convinced
of the permanence of this joint-custody
arrangement. It seemed to me the more
she could see Pete getting along with a
new guy, the more likely her tie with
the ex would eventually be severed.

Pete tolerated my attempts at bond-
ing for short intervals. Then he would
stop and stare at me as if it just hit him
that I was not who he thought I was.
He'd trot off and curl up in his basket
or scurry under Shari's bed. Or, if she
was in bed, he'd sometimes grunt and
try to raise himself up, clawing at the
dust ruffle with his front hooves—a
pathetic move, considering his terra-
bound build—until she'd consent to
Teach over and give him a boost under
that bulbous butt and he'd curl up be-
side her, one marble-like eye open and
gaping dully up at me. Those evenings,
Td usually go home to sleep. Shari was
irresistible and all and I wanted things
to progress, but I wasn't up for sharing
a bed with a Maybe with time, but
we just weren't there yet.

The horseplay usually involved a
spit-encrusted tennis ball, rolling it
down the front hall and chasing after
him with the same sort of intentional-
ly tangle-footed stumble 1 used with
my nephews, to let them win, let them
get ahead. I'd chant encouragement,
attaboys, patting him as he huffed and
squealed by. If vou were watching from
an apartment across the street, you
would think, There's that guy playing
with his pig again. His pig, you'd think.
After all, wasn't I the one giving him at-
tention, spending quality time? Wasn't
I the one that was present almost every
single night? By all outward appear-
ances, anyone would say there was a
relationship there, that I mattered in
this pig s life.

One Saturday afternoon I was lying
on the bedroom floor, trying to fish the
tennis ball from under her bed. Frank-
ly, Pete could have retrieved it himself.

He stood near enough, huffing away
with his corn breath, but I wouldn't say
he was that engaged. It was more like
he had nothing better to do.

I was highly conscious of Shari's pres-
ence. She sat on the bed, working out
client training schedules on her laptop.
This was my chance to audition, to dem-
onstrate the chummy rapport.

And that's when I heard the neigh-
bors. They were talking loudly, laugh-
ing a lot, maybe three or four different
voices, in what 1 thought might be Viet-
namese. I had seen the name on the
doorbell, something with a lot of ns and
improbable vowel-consonant combina-
tions, and 1 just guessed that it was
tnamese. Maybe 1 had Vietnamese
in my head, Pete being a Vietnamese
potbellied pig and all

So, lying there on the floor, I put my
ear to the wall and said, “Hey, 1 think
that’s Vietnamese, Pete. Maybe you can
help us out with a little translation."

Snorting, he stepped closer to inves-
tigate and 1 coaxed him over to where
1 could press one of his big floppy ears
to the wall. He just stood there listen-
ing, breathing softly, not fighting me.

"Good boy. Can you translate that?"

"They're Korean," Shari said

"Excuse me?"

"The neighbors are Korean. Pete is
Vietnamese."

A laugh came out of me. I couldn't
help it. She wasn't smiling. She was to-
tally straight-faced. Not joking around.

“Yeah,” I said. "Not that he can un-
derstand Vietnamese. He's a pig, right?”

She looked at Pete for a long mo-
ment, as if remembering something. “I
know. I'm just saying. They're Korean.
That's all. Not Vietnamese."

This, 1 thought, is a little crazy . . . but.
just a little.

The next Saturday afternoon, Shari
was performing what I imagined was
one of her more advanced Pilates rou-
tines, bucking like a cowgirl against my
pelvic bone, her hair a churning tur-
bine that was truly mesmerizing. But
soon the squeal and chuff of the pig
calling out once again started to cut
through, growing in insistence and
pitch, louder and more adamant. | fi-
nally had to speak up.

She stopped whipping her hair for a
second and rolled her eyes, letting out
a sigh. “He's being a brat. Ignore him."

She held my face in her hands, trying
to get me to focus.

But I wasn't convinced he was just
vying for attention. This grunting was
disapproval, verbally giving the new
guy the thumbs-down. He wanted Dea-
con in that bed. He wanted his daddy
and his mommy together, his family
unit restored and intact. was an inter-
loper, a defiler, a motherfucker.

It sounded like he was bumping up
against a bookshelf or something. 1
heard the rattle of electrical cords and
the thump of furniture legs rocking.

“Do you need to go slop him or what-
ever?" I asked

She pressed her fingers flat against
my chest, as if to say relax, ignore it,
put him out of your mind. Then there
was a crash and whoosh and glassy tin-
kle, like a giant lightbulb popping.
He'd pushed the TV over. "Damn it,”
she said, but kept going.

1 felt the first twinge of shrinking, a
lack of throb, and 1 told myself it was
the position. I rolled her over on her
side and worked around to straight-on
missionary, hoping to regain ground. I
concentrated, 1 kept going, but it
wasn't the position. I knew that. I said
it was, sure, I muttered to her about
needing a deeper thrust to keep it up.
But 1 was just looking for an excuse. It
was the squealing, the complaining,
the endless porcine kvetching. If any-
thing was going to help, 1 suppose it
would be to crank up the stereo till we
drowned him out or to lock the little
shit in the bathroom down the hall, but
what I really needed was a night away
from the farm

I was definitely slipping out of her
now, retracting like a bad idea recon-
sidered. And now it was coming from
the other end of the hall, more insis-
tent. Someone was knocking at the
front door. Frankly, I welcomed an ex-
cuse to stop. Much better to be inter-
rupted than to fail, and I knew I had
about three strokes left till noodle time.

Shari yanked on her robe and pad-
ded out to answer the door. I stayed
behind. certain it was her ex. But it was
the neighbors, asking about the noise.

Wrapping myself in a towel, I snuck
ош softly behind her, catching a glimpse
of an Asian couple in the foyer, bent
and patting Pete and smiling, while
Shari stood holding the door open,
making introductions, I assumed. Not
wanting to be part of those introduc-
tions, I eased into the bathroom for a
little repair work. The condom was now
a wilted balloon. I peeled it off, grabbed
a washcloth, cleaned off the sticky,
caked-on condom gunk, patted myself
dry and, focusing on the minor cleav-
age of the model on Shari's shampoo
bottle, managed to stroke myself back

(continued on page 150)

Cath

JOHN, TAKE CORE of cA [

3 GAVE ie HER
SUC TESTERDA
=>

AVANZA LORE

DARLING Y

Firecrackers aren't supposed to be held, but we'll make an exception
for American Pie 3's Nikki Schieler Ziering

Y Б hile the rest of us celebrate
our independence with bottle rockets
and potato salad, Nikki Schieler Ziering
asserts hers with a return to PLAYBOY.
When she reigned as Miss September
1997. Nikki was a newlywed, having
tied the knot with Beverly Hills 90210
‚star lan Ziering on July 4. Now, as she

dy allowed to date!”

Not that she’s had much time. When
ме ask about her role in this summer's
Americari Weddirig, the second sequel
to the blockbuster comedy American
Pie, a mischievous grin lights up Nikki's
face. “| had more fun doing that role
than anything else,” the former dental
hygienist says. “I play a dominatrix cop
stripper at a wild bachelor party, and I
get to push around a bunch of ycung
guys and then spank them. It's a scene
everyone is going to remernber."

Since gaining Playmate fame, Nikki
has been a woman on the move. She
served as one of Barker's Beauties on.

ev 7
[ -

ka: Е NS
T ~

2 N
N N
ча ^ > SN 4
EN :
М \ XM
IB ISS

The Price Is Right, put Matthew Perry in a headlock in Serv-
ing Sara, got her mojo working on Mike Myers for Austin
Powers in Goldmember and appeared on TV's МІР. and Silk
Stalkings. Nikki also braved the jungle as a contestant on the
TV reality show I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here! "On the
show, | learned that I'm a live-in-the-moment kind of per-
son,” she says. “And | think | can do anything after going
into a crocodile pit. | love girly things—my apartment is very
feminine—but I'm not such a princess that | can't get dirt un-
der my nails." Nikki also may have undergone the first tran-
scendental experience on a reality show. "When I got voted
off, | walked over a bridge and saw a craft service table and
a big champagne celebration. To me, it symbolized death

Nikki sent us all scram-
bling far tokens as the
grondest prize ever to
grace a midway in her
carnival-themed Septem-
ber 1997 Centerfold (left).
As one af Barker's Beau-
ties (near right), she made

the showcase shawdawn
sizzle, and as the bachelor
party entertainment in the
new American Wedding
(far right), she makes her
paint with о delighted Sti-
flor (Seann William Scat).

and going through that transition—how it’s much better on
the other side. Even though you miss the people you left
behind, you know they'll be coming soon. On a monitor |
saw the other contestants holding up signs that read wE Miss
YOU. NIKKI, SO it was kind of like watching my own funeral."
When it comes to Nikki's newly single life, rebirth is a more
appropriate visualization. “I'm looking for a down-to-earth
guy with a sense of humor—a gentleman whose mother
taught him old-fashioned manners," she says. “| tend to be
attracted to father figures. A man needs to be a little con-
trolling to keep me in line, but he can't be too possessive.
1 got into martial arts mostly to stay in shape, but | wouldn't
recommend trying anything funny on a date with me!"

When she isn't auditioning
new men—or Tor new roles—
Nikki responds to letters she re-
ceives on the website she de-
signed, Nikkiziering.com. "| get
a lot of fan mail from women,
and that's really flattering," she
says. "They relate to me some-
how and say that my picture is
the only one they'll let their hus-
bands hang in the garage. |
don't know why." We think it's
because Nikki puts a positive
spin on everything. "In the past
year, I've gone through a di-
vorce and left my job on The
Price Is Right, so | feel like a lot
of things in my life have been
stripped away,” she says. "But I
would much rather have done
something and learned from my
mistakes than not taken any
chances. | feel fortunate be-
cause this has made me more
independent. | definitely want
to get married again, but next
time | won't settle for some-
thing that | know isn't right.”

"A lot of guys don't approach me
because they assume I’m stuck up. I don't
think | do anything to give off that vibe."

SEE MORE NUDES OF NIKKI AT
CYBER.PLAYBOY.COM.

PLAYBOY

136

MEDIA FELIDS

(continued from page 86)

"How can any reasonable person speak so snidely
about books?" Eggers wrote. "Books!"

the ctual fabrication Kirkpat-
rick it scems, had mistakenly placed a
Newark bar in Trenton. (The Times ran a
brief correction for that one mistake but
ignored Eggers’ other quibbles.)

Eggers further insisted that Kirk-
patrick failed to get his OK before using
off-the-record quotes Kirkpatrick had
promised to run past him before pub-
lishing his Times article. Eggers parsing
and quoting of the complete text of his
e-mail correspondence with Kirkpatrick
was capped by a self-righteous declara-
tion: “I think it's important that our ex-
change be published. It’s the only reme-
dy commensurate with the impact you
enjoyed with your original piece. I want
your friends and family to see it, and to
say, ‘David, ew.’ You have done this kind
of thing to too many people, and I'm re-
ally hoping this makes you and others in
your position a bit more careful and will-
ing to keep your word and tell the whole

truth, as difficult as that can be. In your
correspondence you sound like a nor-
mal, even warm, person who cares about
truth, who enjoys books, etc. But in your
journalism your persona is very difler-
ent. Where does that tone come from?
How can any reasonable person speak so
snidely about books? Books!"

Eggers ranted on: “You used my
words out of context and used words
that were never meant for public con-
sumption, and now it has happened to
you. You cast doubt on my motives, and
now people can wonder about yours. It
must feel strange. You probably don't
think it’s fair. My guess is you don't think
you come off too well, and you wish
you could take each person reading this
aside and try to explain. Welcome to
the club.”

Kirkpatrick did try to explain, though
his restrained self-defense on a website
against Eggers’ charges came in at a

"It worked out perfectly. Just as I was leaving him for you,
he left me for another guy.”

mere 1000 words; Eggers’ original was
more than 10,000 words.

For many observers, the feud was
business as usual for Eggers. He'd al-
ready antagonized media outlets by ei-
ther flat-out declining interview requests
or by demanding that they be conducted
solely by e-mail—and that the resultant
Q. and As be published, unedited, in
their entirety. Did Eggers really care so
little about self-promotion? Or was he
attempting to change the rules of the
game? Either way, he definitely wasn't
making many friends.

The UK's Observer dubbed the press-
averse Eggers “the J.D. Salinger of Gen-
eration X," and media writers and for-
mer media cohorts took Eggers to task
for being almost pathologically thin-
skinned. David Granger, editor in chief
of Esquire—a publication that Eggers
briefly worked for in the Nineties and
ended up skewering in a thinly veiled
story about an idiotic men’s magazine—
said of his former charge: “At some
point, he thinks it's inevitable that he'll
be crucified, because he's too special to
live in this world. While he does have
talent, he refuses to believe that anyone
can tell him how he can improve on any-
thing he does."

PRATTLE AND PARLOR TRICKS

Bring on the crucifiers! Among Eg-
gers’ eager detractors in the literary
realm: tattooed tough guy James Frey,
who is the author of the recently pub-
lished druggie memoir A Million Little
Pieces. He told The New York Observer:
“The Eggers book pissed me off. Be-
cause a book that 1 thought was medio-
cre was being hailed as the best book
written by the best writer of my genera-
tion. Fuck that. And fuck him and fuck
anybody that says that."

Big talk, but Frey backed off when
contacted for an elaboration on his com-
ments, leaving the stage to Ian Spiegel-
man, part of the New York Posts Page Six
gossip pack. Spiegelman gladly admits
his animus up front. "I have attacked
Eggers in the Post as often as I can,” he
says, even bragging about being the first
reporter to break the truly hearibreak-
ing story of the 2001 suicide of Eggers’
icr Beth, who had publicly taken issue
with her brother's portrayal of her in
Genius.

When Eggers’ novel You Shall Know
Our Velocity was released last fall, Spiegel-
man was instrumental in getting a пер;
tive piece about the book published
the Post. (Eggers was taunted by plenty
of other media outlets for h i:
plan for the book, which involved print
ing a limited edition of the hardback to
be sold only through a small number of
bookstores—a misbegotten marketing
move that did nothing to dispel the no-
tion, fostered by his critics, that Eggers
prefers to live in an exclusionary literary

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137

PLAYBOY

biosphere of his own creation.)

Eggers, of course, isn't talking, pre-
sumably having learned his lesson about
backlash. But Spiegelman defends his
pummeling of Eggers on, he says, pure-
ly literary grounds. "His writing isn't just
heartless,” Spiegelman says, "it's blood-
less. All you ever get from him are the
endless prattling and parlor tricks of
a person who has never trusted any of
his emotions."

Even worse, Spiegelman says Eggers is
having a toxic effect on today's litera-
ture. "We can thank that curly-headed
goon for the current flood of insuffer-
able memoirs by precocious twenty-
somethings," says Spiegelman. (For the
record, James Frey is a not-so-precocious
thirtysomething.)

Like Frey, Spiegelman runs the risk of
appearing to be angling for notoriety by
attacking obvious target Fggers. Still, he
insists that it’s his job as a journalist to
expose the fact that Emperor Eggers
doesn't wear any clothes. “Sooner or lat-
er,” Spiegelman says, "people are going
to realize they've been swindled by
Eggers’ literary con game, and they'll
see that his work is just a lot of chitter-
chatter and self-referential bullshit.”

CHUCK PHILIPS vs.
RANDALL SULLIVAN

Pulitzer Prize-winning Los Angeles
Times writer Chuck Philips believes rap-
per Tupac Shakur was assassinated at the
direction of rival Christopher “Notori-
ous B.1.G.” Wallace. Former Los Angeles
Herald Examiner columnist and Rolling
Stone contributor Randall Sullivan has his
own theories about Tupac’s murder—and
Biggie’s death six months later—which
he published in Rolling Stone and in his
book Labyrinth, an account of extensive
corruption in the Los Angeles Police De-
partment. Suffice it to say that each re-
porter thinks the other is full of shit.

FIRST BLOOD

Sullivan, a Rolling Stone writer for
more than three decades, began investi-
gating the Los Angeles police Rampart
scandal for the magazine in September
2000. In doing so, Sullivan was invading
turf that the Los Angeles Times had al-
ready been covering—inconsistently. On

December 9, 1999, for instance, the pa-
per reported in a front-page story that
Amir Muhammad, a friend of convicted
dirty cop David Mack's, was a suspect in
Biggie's murder. But on May 3, 2000,
Philips, who came to crime reporting
through his investigative pieces on the
music business, wrote that LAPD detec-
tives did not, in fact, consider Muham-
mad to bea suspect.

The Philips story represented a re-
treat from the front-page piece, which, it
turned out, had relied in part on inside
information supplied by former LAPD
detective Russell Poole. With his core
theory—that Biggie’s murder was con-
nected to rogue LAPD cops—rebuffed
by Philips, Poole found a more sympa-
thetic ear in Randall Sullivan. And a re-
porters' feud was started.

"After his piece came out," says Sulli-
van, "I spoke to Chuck Philips once in a
very brief conversation—he seemed to
feel that he didn't need to talk to me."
Sullivan was exploring leads and theo-
ries that Philips had dismissed. "I got
personal and I think he felt his ego had
been stepped on," Sullivan says.

Philips declines to address Sullivan's
specific statements about him and his

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reporting at the Times, except to say, “I
stand by the stories I have written about
Tupac Shakur

Poole, Sullivan argues. wasr't just any
source—he was a highly decorated LAPD
veteran who had been a lead detective on
Biggie's murder. The story that Sullivan
pieced together, using documents and
evidence Poole had assembled, suggests
that Death Row Records head Suge
Knight arranged to have Shakur killed
and that dirty LAPD cops (some of
whom also moonlighted as security for
Death Row) may have been involved in
the hit on Biggie.

Sullivan feels Philips and the Times
didn't want to explore that possibility for
fear of increasing racial tensions in the
already divided city. Sullivan's article ap-
peared in Rolling Stone in June 2001, but
even before it came out, Sullivan says
he'd heard that Philips “was telling ev-
eryone he had a story coming out that
was going to totally vindicate Suge
Knight, and that we were going to be
completely embarrassed.” But Philips"
vindication of Knight did not appear in
the Los Angeles Times until last September.

BULLETS AND ALLEGATIONS FLY

Philips’ story, in implicating Biggie
Smalls in Shakur's murder, indicated
that the triggerman was Orlando Ander-
son. Anderson couldn't comment; he
himself had been gunned down in 1998.
Philips’ story also places Biggie Smalls in
Las Vegas, where Shakur was killed, but
his family insists Biggie was in New Jer-
sey the night of the shooting.

Sullivan says, “I was really expecting
that Philips was going to have some kind
of a bombshell in his piece. But at the
end of it |, "That's it? I mean, does
he have some substantiation other than
"Irust us, we're the Los Angeles Times and
this is what happened’? T here are actu-
ally only two named sources in Philips’
article—one is Suge Knight. And the
only people who say this is how it went
down are alleged anonymous Crips gang
members."

Sullivan adds that he "doesn't really
hold Chuck Philips as responsible as I do
the editors at the Times for letting that
piece of shit in the paper. I mean, how
could they not say: "Wait, we've got to
have more than this to make a story'?"
Sullivan thinks the Times championed
Philips’ story in part "because there
would be no legal exposure. Biggie and
Tupac are dead—no one can sue."

Philips, in a statement supplied by
1, writes, "I spent many year:
tigating Shakur's murder and develop-
ing the many sources оп wi
ries are based. Randall Sull
source, Russell Poole, have their own
theories on the matter. 1 wish them the
best in their pursuits."

Page 34: Capcom, 408-774-
3825 or capcom.com. Info-
grames, infogrames.com.
Microsoft, xbox.com. Rock-
star Games, 410-933-9191.
Simon € Schuster Interactive,
simonsays.com. THQ,
thq.com. Vivendi Universal
Games, vugames.com.
Wired: Fossil, 800-842-
8621 or fossil.com.

MANTRACK
Pages 45-46: Breitling, 800-641-7343 or
breitling.com. Mini Cooper, miniusa.com.
Rail Travel Center, 800-458-5394 or rail
travelcenter.com. Random House, 800-733-
3000 or randomhouse.com.

WAVE RAVE
Pages 80-81: Bombardier, seascooter.net.
Future Beach, 800-357-7837 or future
beach.com. Innovative Excellence, 800-459-
1409 or clearkayak.com. Quality Trading,
800-728-6009 or waveblasters.com. Yama-
ha Watercraft, 800-892-6242 or yamaha
motor.com.

AMERICA THE BREWFUL

Pages 88-89: Atlanta Brewing, atlanta
brewing.com. Buzzards Bay Brewery, buz
zardsbrew.com. Casco Bay Brewing, cas
cobaybrewing.com. Coast Range Brewing,
bierbitzch.com. Dixie Brewing, 504-822-
8711. Dogfish Head Craft Brewery, 888-DOG-
FISH or dogfish.com. Goose Island Brewery,
800-GOOSE-ME or gooscisland.com. Left
Hand Brewing, lefthandbrewing.com. Mo-
tor City Brewing Works, motorcitybeer.com.
Smuttynose Brewing, 888-881-HOPS or smut
tynose.com. Snoqualmie Falls Brewing, 425-
831-BEER or fallsbrew.com. Three Floyds
Brewing. 3floyds.com. Yellowstone Valley
Brewing, yellowstonevalleybrew.com.

‘THE NEW PLAYBOY

Page 108: Android, android-usa.com. CP
Company, cpcompany.com. Issey Miyake,
212-439-7822. PS/Paul Smith, 212-627-

9770. Page 109: Lee Allison,
leeallison.com. Borrelli, 02-
76011616. Dior Homme,
dior.com. Dunhill, dunhil
com. Gucci, gucci.com. Isaia,
is Jacob & Co., jacob
andco.com. Mephisto, 800-
MEPHISTO. Ray-Ban, ray
ban.com. Sixty-Eight Lin-
gerie, sixtyeight.com. Page
110: Android, android-usa.
com. Ecko Unlimited, ecko.
com. Salvatore Ferragamo,
salvatoreferragamo.it. Fubu,
fubu.com. Gawsie, gawsie.com. Carlos Miele,
at Barneys, 212-826-8900. Nike, nike.com.
Phat Farm, phatfarm.com. Sixty-Eight Lin-
gerie, sixtyeight.com. Victoria's Secret, victo
riassecret.com. Stuart Weitzman, stuart
weitzman.com. Page 111: Baby Phat, baby
phat.com. Lithium Manufacturing, lithium
mfgco.com. Rosasen, rosasen.com. Paul
Smith, 212-627-9770. Vacheron Constantin,
vacheron-constantin.com. Page 11
2(x)ist, 2xist.com. Allen B. absstyle.com.
Buffalo Chips, 212-625-8400. Frye, frye
boots.com. Guess, guess.com. Harley-Dav-
idson, harley-davidson.com. Marc Jacobs,
marcjacobs.com. Le Coq Sportif, 646-473-
1440. Lithium Manufacturing, lithiummfg
co.com. Prada, prada.com. Silhouette,
houette.com. Toschi International, toscl
com. Stuart Weitzman, stuartweitzman.com.
Helen Yarmak, 212-245-0777. Page 11
Borrelli, 02-76011616. Dunhill, dunhil
com. Hennessy, hennessy-cognac.com. La
Perla, laperla.com

LUX LIFE
Pages 114-115: Blinde Design Project, 212-
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ci, emiliopucci.com. Salvatore Ferragamo,
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Turnbull & Asser, Turnbullandassercom.

ON THE SCENE

Page 159: EPX Bicycles, 866-EPX-BIKE or
epxbikes.com. Giant Bicycles, giant-bicy
cles.com. Kestrel, kestrel-usa.com.

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PLAYBOY

мо

Rachel Weisz (continued from page 117)

Even when Elvis was drunk, he sang like an angel. I
think he was cute even when he was fat and wasted.

weisz: No! I just sold it. It was my beau-
tiful vintage car, one of the most beauti-
ful cars ever. It was a Seventies model, a
4.2 Sovereign. It was a very big, power-
ful car, a four-door.

pLavsov: Did you have a special arrange-
ment with your mechanic?

weisz: I wish. No, it just cost me lots of
pounds. The final straw was—I'm not
well versed mechanically—but the pow-
er-steering fluid container sprung a leak
so all the fluid drained onto the ground,
and I had to drive this huge car without
power steering, which meant my mus-
des and arms were really challenged. It
was like driving a truck. Everything that
could go wrong went wrong with the car.
1 finally sold it for parts. The person who
bought my Jag was just going to chuck it
up. That's all it was good for.

PLAYBOY: We understand you are an Elvis
fan. Do you accept everything about him
or are there some parts of his life about
which you're in denial?

weisz: Some Elvis fans have read all the
biographies and know everything about
him. I love the way he looked and I lis-
ten to his music, but I'm not a fanatic. 1
think I just fell in love with him when I
was a litle girl, watching his movies on
TV on Saturday afternoons. I'm not in

denial about any moment of Elvis’ life.
What's incredible to me is that at the end
of his career when he was fat and drugged
up and not himself, he could still sing.
What's that famous recording where he
bursts out laughing? He's drunk out of
his mind. Even then, he sang like an
angel, like nothing could steal his voice
from him. It was effortless for him. So I
loved him in all stages. I think he was
cute even when he was fat and wasted.

PLAYBOY: Have you ever been tempted
to try a deep-fried banana and peanut
butter sandwich?

weisz: No, I haven't. Гуе heard that one
sandwich is, like, 4000 calories. I think
it's fascinating that Elvis and Brando—
two of the most beautiful and lusted-
after male icons ever—both said, “Fuck
you, quit treating me like a sex object"
and got fat. Interesting, isn't it?

PLAYBOY: You went to Cambridge. What
is the title of your favorite paper?

weisz: I don't think you're going to want
to print this. My favorite essay is “For the
Etruscans" by the American feminist
writer Rachel Blau DuPl It’s about
wondering where, or if, there is a female
language rather than a male language.
Most things around us were created by
men. The paper questions if behind the

“Honey, I'd like you to meet Miranda—this is where I got
my oral sex before I met you!”

if a man’s telling a story and says, “I was
walking down the street,” the woman
asks, “What time was it?” “It doesn’t mat-
ter what time it was. 1 was walking down
the street.” It's kind of all over the place.

PLAYBOY: What's the best paper you wrote?
WEISZ: 1 did a paper on Henry James that
would have been published in the Henry
James Quarterly. Y was asked to edit it. 1
had to lose 1000 words, and I didn't
bother. So I'm unpublished.

PLAYBOY: Could you date anyone less ed-
ucated than you?

ure. Definitely. There are differ-
ent kinds of intelligence. | would like
to believe that love transcends every-
thing—that someone who is from Amer-
ica could flirt with someone from Japan.
It's a completely different culture. Love
should transcend all.

pLavsoy: How do you flirt like a Brit?
weisz: I think that Americans are just as
good. At the end of the day, flirting is a
pretty universal language. Americans
are more direct. British people are more
indirect about everything. l'm making.
this up as I go along. How am I sup-
posed to know? I like American men, let.
me just say that.

PLAYBOY: Can you explain the sorry state
of British dentistry?
weisz: Well, I guess the real answer is be-
cause our health care has been free. You
go to the dentist here and they will tell
you that you have eight cavities when
you really maybe have only one. In Eng-
land they'll tell you that you haven't got
any because dental care is free. Actually,
that's not true. Now you have to pay for
your dental work. It was free for a long
time. We don't cap our teeth and try to
make everything look perfect. You have
pretty unattainable images of perfection
that, to us, are sort of characterless. We
like a bit of character—a little yellow-
ше rotting, a little wonky, coffee
cigarette stains, Irregular teeth—
we like that.

PLAYBOY: Maybe the Brit medical com-
munity spent too much time developing
those veterinary skills.

WEISZ: I’m sure! I don't have a pet, but
I'm sure that we have the best vets in the
world. As you know, the British love
their pets more than their children.

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142

LISA MARIE PRESLEY | oua fron page 3)

I never did anything to get publicity. I got caught up
in Michael’s thing, which was manipulation.

and that kid in the room. I've never seen
him behave inappropriately. He was
great with my kids. He does have a con-
nection with kids, babies. He’s a kid, and
other kids sense that in him.

PLAYBOY: It would help his case if he'd
stop saying, “Yes, I sleep with children.”
PRESLEY: I know! Someone should call
him and go, “Would you just stop saying
that? It’s not working for you!"
PLAYBOY: Did you and Michael discuss
having kids?

PRESLEY: Yeah. [Laughs] I got out of that
one. “I just don't think it's a good idea
right now." But I knew that's what he
wanted. And I knew Debbie Rowe was
offering to do it for him while we were
married, according to him. She was a
nurse who had a crush on him and of-
fered to have his babies.

PLAYBOY: Was he trying to leverage you
into agreeing?

PRESLEY: Kind of. "Debbie Rowe says
she'll do it.” OK, have Debbie Rowe do
it! And it's funny, when I imagined hav-
ing a child with him, all I could ever sce
was a custody battle nightmare.
PLAYBOY: He just wanted to find someone
to bear his children.

PRESLEY: | think so, but I don't know.
PLAYBOY: Did you watch his TV inter-
views last winter with Martin Bashir?
PRESLEY: 1 watched, because I wason a ra-
dio tour that week and I was being asked

about it every day. I was like, Could
there be any worse timing? I walked
away in 1996. It's not something con-
suming my thoughts anymore.

PLAYBOY: When Diane Sawyer inter-
viewed you and Michael, she asked if you
two had sex, and you were indignant.
Can you sce how the marriage looked
suspicious to people?

can see that, only because
thing, not mine. That always
upset me. I was married for several years
to a bass player nobody knew and before
that never dated a celebrity. I never did
anything to try to get publicity. I got
caught up in Michael’s thing, which was
manipulation. 1 was like, “Fuck you pco-
ple, that’s not who I am. Why am I being
blamed for a publicity stunt? Oh, I'm
Miss Aspiring Singer, and now I want a
record deal? That's why I'm with him?"
PLAYBOY: It sounds like you think he
used you.

PRESLEY: I’m not going to say he did or
didn't. There are things that don't look
good, that's all I can say. And most peo-
ple saw it at the time, except me.
PLAYBOY: When did the relationship go
sour for you?

PRESLEY: Not long after Diane Sawyer. I
started to wake up and ask a lot of ques-
tions—I don't want to go into detail, but
it went downhill pretty quick.

PLAYBOY: What about your kiss at the

“Would you like one final smoke before we wrap up this
episode of Fear Factor?”

Video Music Awards in 1994? It looked
so staged and awkward

PRESLEY: It looked ward because |
wanted out of my skin. At the 11th hour,
he says, “I'm gonna kiss you." I was like,
"No, 1 don't want to do that. Do we have
to? That's bullshit." On the way there I
kept saying, "Do we have to?" I squeezed
his hand so hard that I cut off the circu-
lation. He wouldn't tell me when it was
going to happen.

PLAYBOY: It was reported that you asked
him for a divorce while he was in the
hospital recovering from “exhaustion.”
PRESLEY: Not true. There was a bit of a
showdown in the hospital, and 1 didn't
understand what was wrong with him. I
didn't know what he was up to. When I
started asking too many questions about
what was wrong. he asked me to leave.
This is the real story. He said, "You're
causing trouble." The doctors wanted
me to go. | freaked out, because it was all
too familiar. When he got out, 1 called
him and said, “I want out.”

PLAYBOY: Later, when you met Nic Cage,
were you thinking about marriage?
PRESLEY: Alter Michael, I wasn't in a hur-
ry to get married again. Nic was also
ending a marriage to Patricia Arquette
that wasn't in good shape. But we clicked
instantly. He is grand—that's a good
word for him. We had somewhat similar
realities, both part of famous families,
and I admired the shit out of him be-
cause he detached himself from his fam-
ily name [Coppola] and got a career by
himself. He and I detected some sort of
rebellious spirit in each other. His father,
as a wedding gift, gave us a 100- or 200-
year-old bottle from the bottom of the
ocean and a really nice toast. The whole
thing was about how we were both pirate
spirits. It was really moving.

PLAYBOY: He emulated Elvis in Honey-
moon in Vegas and Wild at Heart.

PRESLEY: [Scowls] There are 45 other films
he did, thank you very much, that don't
have anything to do with my dad.
PLAYBOY: Do you think he wanted you
because you're Elvis' daughter?

PRESLEY: Here's the answer: I've never
seen one Elvis artifact or one piece of
Elvis memorabilia that he owns. There
was a rumor for a long time that he had
an Elvis recording as the fucking outgo-
ing message on his fucking phone ma-
chine. I never saw any of that. Sure, he
was an Elvis fan. Who cares? I haven't
met many people who've said, “I hate
your fucking dad. Hc was terrible."
PLAYBOY: What went wrong?

PRESLEY: One pirate shouldn't marry an-
other. We had already broken up and
gotten back together twice. We were to-
gether for two years before we got mar-
ried and thought that marriage would
make us more secure.

PLAYBOY: But you went with him to the
premiere of Adaptation just a few days be-
fore the divorce.

PRESLEY: We had a fight a few days later,

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and he had a temper tantrum. He
walked out the door, filed for divorce,
then felt bad. It was just a rampage, basi-
cally. He called a couple of days later and
said, “Whoops!” [Laughs] He said, “I was
in a rage, I'm sorry. I made a mistake. 1
wish I hadn't done that." And I was like,
“Dude, we can't do the break-up-get-
back-together thing. We're married.”
He's not surrounded by people who
would talk him down when he's in a state
like that. I hated him afterward. It was a
long time before I would speak to him.
PLAYBOY: À tabloid reported that you
threw а $65,000 ring he gave you into
the sea.

PRESLEY: I didn't throw it. Otherwise,
that's a true story. We were in a fight,
and I said it was over. He took the ring
and threw it into the water. We hired a
diver, but it was 150 feet down, and he
just shook his head. It was a six-carat
yellow diamond, and Nic replaced it
two days later with a 10-carat yellow
diamond.

PLAYBOY: Is it strange that you're both in
interviews talking about the marriage?
PRESLEY: I'm laughing because Nic did
an interview with Barbara Walters and
he said something to her about my
blue eyes. I said to him, “They're fuck-
ing green

PLAYBOY: He did a TV interview, then
called to report what he'd said?

PRESLEY: Yeah. I still care about him a lot.
I don't want to have a media war. I'll say,
“This is what 1 said on Diane Sawyer, in
case you want to retaliate. But just know
that ГЇЇ come back. If you say something
I don't like, I will fucking nail your ass to
the wall!” Like when Michael and I split
up, he said, “Don't talk about me." He
never wanted anybody talking about
him. I didn't say a word about him. So
the next three interviews I saw, he was
talking about me. And I was like, “All
bets are off, dude. You did it.”
PLAYBOY: What are your vices?

PRESLEY: Having friends around. Ciga-
rettes. And red wine—but it has to be
good red wine. It has to be more than
$300 a bottle, because then I don't get as
bad a hangover.

PLAYBOY: What are you like when you're
drunk?

PRESLEY: I’m friendlier, nicer, more toler-
ant and more patient. Physically, I feel
better. I'm not usually patient and toler-
ant when I'm not drinking.

PLAYBOY: Favorite curse word?

PRESLEY: Fuck. Motherfucker. And cock-
sucker. Curse words are good. When I
was drunk and newly out with Nic at a
bar, I called him a cocksucker at least six
times. But it was kind of a flirtatious
thing. If I was seriously calling him that,
he would have kicked my ass. My friend
Johnny Ramone was with us, and he
said, “Sailor mouth! If your father could
hear you talk like this, what would he
think of you?" I don't think it was pub-
licly known, but my father was pretty big

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on cursing. He wouldn't allow me to
curse, but he did.

PLAYBOY: Do you read your financial
statement?

PRESLEY: Not willingly—I' m forced to. I
get angry at how much I'm paying peo-
ple. It makes me insane. Every time I see
the fucking financial statement, I want to
fire people. There was this crazy woman
1 brought into my circle, and she pulled
a Machiavellian maneuver and tried to
take my empire down by backstabbing
people and spinning a whole web—just
unbelievably evil

PLAYBOY: How would you characterize
your taste in sex?

PRESLEY: Probably “porn style.” [Laughs] 1
am a little dark on the subject. I like it
rough, the way they do things in porn
movies.

PLAYBOY: Have you ever wished you were
a lesbian?

PRESLEY: Sure. I think Га be much better
as a lesbian. My best friend is also my as-
sistant, and she's been with me for eight
years. I feel like, Damn! If I were gay
and I could've been with you, we would
have been perfect.

PLAYBOY: What will you do differently if
you get married again?

PRESLEY: I'm going to become a eunuch
or a monk—nonsexual and nonfunc-
tioning. I'm going to—you know what? I
can't say what the hell I'm going to do, to
bc honest

PLAYBOY: If your kids were going to write
a tell-all about you, what's the worst they
could say?

PRESLEY: Just that mommy went through
men like water. [Laughs] If I get married
again, I'll stay married. 1 don't know if I
really thought I'd stay married with the
last two. I'm whimsical about things. |
get caught up in the moment. It's the
one area where I'm naive.

PLAYBOY: Are your kids having a tough
time because they're Presleys?

PRESLEY: My daughter is 14, and some
kids are starting to give her crap. “What
are you complaining about, you rich lit-
tle" I want to choke that kid, by the
way. [Laughs] If there's a little kid in
school who's being an asshole, I want to
kick the kid's ass. If 1 could, I'd go scare
them. It's at the point where my kids
won't tell me what's happening.
PLAYBOY: Do you want more kidsz
PRESLEY: I'd like two more.

PLAYBOY: And if you don't have someone
to be the father——

PRESLEY: Are you kidding me? No, I will
not go to a sperm donor. I could ask
Debbie Rowe to be a surrogate for me
PLAYBOY: You're still fond of Danny and
Nic. Maybe you'll get back together with
one of your exes

PRESLEY: With me, you never fucking know,
do you? God! You know what? I'm not
going to say never about anything again.

Hear exclusive audio of this interview at
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“There's just so much you can do with paint. Let's fuck!”

TLATYGUT

146

sex on the edge «sua fron page 68)

I brush my hand carelessly across my lap; the response
is immediate, electric and sharp.

who was a friend of a friend, claimed to
have extensive experience and informa-
tion on foxy. He urged me to call him if I
wanted to find out more. So I did. I liked
the idea of talking to a possibly cute boy
I've never met about a sex drug I've nev-
er taken. Along with his friends, college
kids from Massachusetts and Tennessee,
Josh bought a gram of foxy from an In-
ternet site selling a slew of freaky re-
search chemicals. He told me he'd taken
foxy once a week for the past two months.

“Foxy is the psychedelic where sex is
most appealing because it triggers in-
tense concentration,” Josh said, sound-
ing like Dan Rather. “Unlike acid, foxy
allows you to focus on sexual gratifica-
tion. After an orgasm I can get an erec-
tion in a couple of minutes, which I can't
normally do. And the more you have sex
on foxy, the more you want to have sex,
which doesn't happen on any other sub-
stance.” I'd heard enough. I immediate-
ly went to see my boyfriend, John.

After I gave him the latest, John said,
"Are you going to spend so much time
investigating this sex drug that you won't
have time to have sex with me? Why
don't we just do the damn drug now?"

At that point I got in touch with my in-
ner prude. I talk a big game, for sure,
but did I want to take a hallucinatory re-
search chemical that might give me
leukemia or leech my highlights? “This
is a possibly dangerous thing we're con-
sidering,” I said. “Let's not rush it be-
cause you're horny."

“Fine. But you may want to check out
the web page I bookmarked for you."

I could tell a trap had been set. The
page was a foxy trip report from Erowid.
org, the drug info website:

“Ten pm. Clothes are torn off from
each other and rubbing of bodies contin-
ues. We finally engage in the act. I can-
not describe the images and fecling run-
ning through my head and body at this
moment. Groans and moans are coming
out of us that 1 have never heard out of
the most primal animal. Sweat is every-
where, and the sheets are soaking wet.”

John and 1 looked at each other and
sealed the deal.

1 called Tony. He'd bought foxy from
a friend who had paid $79 for a gram
from a research chemical company web-
site. Once diluted with water, it pro-
duced approximately 50 doses. Tony
used an eyedropper to package the drug
in tiny glass vials that once held 3.5
milliliters of maple flavoring. He sold us
two vials for $50.

WET AND WILD

In the 1973 manual Sex, Drugs and
Magick: A Journey Beyond Limits, Robert
Anton Wilson wrote, “The future will be
much wilder and hairier than the imme-
diate past.” With this in mind, I drank
the vial of clear liquid safe in the con-
fines of my apartment and waited for my
future to begin.

The taste was terrible. Secretly I felt
secure in the knowledge that I would at

“Whatever gave you the idea there'd be a long line?”

least weather it better than John. He
downed his dose and shuddered violent-
ly. “I feel like 1 just licked the tracks of
the fucking subway!" he moaned. Here's
a guy who's such a straight-edged vegan
he won't drink sake, for Christ's sake,
and I have him squeezed between my
legs ingesting questionable research
chemicals invented before Reagan took
office. But all I can think about right
now is that someone should call in a
weapons inspector to check my mouth
for a stash of war chemicals.

We're not off to a good start. A few
moments pass while we both stare into
space. John says, “Well, at least there
haven't been any fatalities reported. As
far as we know, anyway.” I pop a piece of
gum into my mouth and chew like crazy.

Oddly, I begin to feel a tingling flush
of warmth between my legs. It's absurd.
No one could take a drug called foxy
and get hot 10 minutes later—life just
doesn't work that way. Besides, I'm so
busy waiting to puke that I can't pay at-
tention. I brush my hand carelessly
across my lap; the response is immedi-
ate, electric and sharp.

Experienced foxy users say it's not a
beginner's drug, and I'm starting to see
their point. Right after we take it, we fig-
ure ve have some time to gather sup-
plies from the store—candles, raspber-
ries, water—before it kicks in. But by the
time we make it out the door, we are
tripping so hard we find the dull side-
walk overstimulating. "I don't think I
" John says, eyeballing 74th
Street like a bazaar in Bombay.

Back upstairs, I suddenly feel like the

sexpot way; more Bon ain 's Venus than
Madonna. I saunter up to John and
shimmy slowly down his body, and it
doesn't feel absurd. Clothes, even the
kind by La Perla, seem unnecessary, so 1
shrug them off to the accompaniment of
Seventies soul. John turns out the lights
and watches me dance. I don't notice
he's filming me until I hear the clicking
of his video camera. I motion him to fol-
low me into the bedroom.

Now my body is a strange combination
of hot and cold—one second I'm trem-
bling, and the next my thighs are slick
with sweat. Although the physical sensa-
tions are like nothing I've ever felt, 'm
mentally unchanged. I can speak clearly,
but because of the delicious electrical
rivulets running along my tongue, I'd
rather kiss John's lips and the soft nest of
his throat. Everything, suddenly, is a sex
toy: a hair on his chest, the bedroom cur-
tains blowing in the breeze across my ass.

Shivering from the subtlest waves of
pleasure, I close my eyes as John runs
his hands over me. "Do you realize you
haven't stopped moving your belly erot-
ically for three hours?" John says, and I
say, "Seriously?" We've put on a CD of
Algerian rai, a spell of Saharan wailing
and drumming. I'm no longer aware of

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148

the boundaries of our bodies, only the
rhythm they make together.

John turns me over. "You feel so sub-
tle,” John whispers, sounding out each
syllable like they taste good in his mouth.
I've been uncontrollably wet all night,
and now, at last, I'm ready. The foxy sex
is searing and endless. Foxy sex turns
my skin inside out. Together, John and I
shape-shift into different positions like
figures in a Mayan hieroglyph.

I'ma Venus flytrap, about to snatch an
orgasm the size of Alaska. I don't need
an area code because I don't want any-
one to call.

"The postsex cigarette hour is filled
with weightless intimacy. Some drugs
lead to a comedown period of hellish in-
trospection, but not foxy. "It's not like
This Is Your Life,” John says, “starring you
and your brain and all of your neu-
roses.” I can barely remember my prob-
lems, my gripes, the lingering doubts I
have about John's suitability as a long-
term partner. In fact, I'm almost
turbingly serene. I've gone from being a
hypochondriacal girl on the rag, so to
speak, to a yogic instrument of divine
will. Nothing he could do would hurt me
right now. I wouldn't care if John went
dancing with 15 sluts in white go-go boots
and I stayed home and ate Twinkies.

The sex never seemed to stop, even

when we hopped into a cab at one AM.
en route to an after-hours dance club.
Our cabdriver dialed all his margins so
tight and with such precision that I
could have whispered into the ears of
the passengers in the cars next to us.
Sometimes he fucked the road, stroking
it with effortless, powerful confidence.
He made it look easy to charge red lights
that magically turned green as we
crossed the line. During the smooth ride
we witness a procession of lights and flit-
ting human minidramas unfolding
down Broadway through Times Square.
Everywhere the night went, there was a
beat, and we were always in sync with it.

Whoa. Maybe this was too much of a
good thing.

THE COMEDOWN

1 slept long and hard the next day,
and when I woke up I gathered my
thoughts. I realized that the unique as-
pect of foxy was the way in which 1 had
remained entirely lucid and coherent
throughout the experience, despite the
overwhelming physical sensations cours-
ing through my body. Unlike date rape
drugs like GHB, Rohypnol or Ketamine,
I never felt like I was in danger of pass-
ing out or confusing my boyfriend with
his roommate. I was perfectly capable of
conversing with the doorman at the

“I wouldn't call it a date, exactly.
He invited me to join him to watch his wife get it on with
her boyfriend."

club, and 1 didn't have mushy, drug-ad-
dled conversations with strangers.

But if foxy leaves your mind alone, it
has its way with your body. Watching me
strip naked, John had said, "This drug
wants to dance.” A week later I still felt
like a primo hottie, and so, apparently,
did Chloe, who called to tell me she'd
found herself absentmindedly dancing
while getting dressed for work in the
morning. “I was grinding away alone, in
front of the mirror" she said, "and I
couldn't believe how unselfconscious I
felt. Foxy has changed the way I experi-
ence my sexuality.”

But not everyone has such a positive
experience, My friend Isabel had taken
the same dose and spent most of the
night dry-heaving. She did own up toa
few good moments on the drug: “Later
in the trip, lying next to each other on
the bed, we started moving our hips to-
gether ever so slighüy. It was more like
muscle contractions and releases than
movement, and it was unbelievable. We
found a groove where we were attuned
to cach other and completely fused. "

Like Isabel, many people report
spending the night going down not on
their partners but on their toilets. One of
the more curious aspects of the drug is
the split between accounts from users
who love it and those who hate it.
Erowid.org judiciously divides its testi-
monials into sections with titles like
"Glowing Experiences,” “Mystical Expe-
riences," and "Train Wrecks and Trip
Disasters." Surf through these reports
and you can't help feeling repelled by
the bad effects of the drug. Users experi-
ence nausea, vomiting and diarrhea.
The "heavy body load"— physical dis-
comfort— produced by the drug can out-
weigh everything else. "Making love,”
wrote one user, "was the only thing that
made me forget how lousy I felt."

“I haven't had any reports of fatal
overdoses from foxy,” says Santamour. “1
know some people who've been taken to
the hospital because of uncontrollable
vomiting.” There is general agreement
that slight differences in the dose can
make the difference between healthy
postcoital glow and a trip to the emer-
gency room. "Foxy is an unusually dose-
is why some people
aren't taking it,” says Santamour. “May-
be an analogue of foxy will take off later
that won't be as sensitive.”

Erowid.org posts a standard warning
to all potential users of research chemi-
“When you're taking a new and un-
studied drug, you're making yourself a
human guinea pig. The drug you are
taking may be perfectly safe. It may even
be beneficial. On the other hand, you
may take it three times and suddenly
find yourself 20 years old and having
rkinson's disease.”
te goes on to warn readers of the
harrowing tale of MPTP, an impurity
sometimes generated during the manu-

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facture of a synthetic drug called MPPP.
(MPPP was created by underground
chemists looking for a legal heroin sub-
stitute in the late Seventies.) A 23-year-
old grad student developed permanent
Parkinson's-like symptoms after using
contaminated MPPP a few times, and
scores of others experienced similar ef-
fects: tremors, blurred vision and speech
difficulties. The MPTP case was a basis
for the DEA's development of an emer-
gency scheduling process to criminalize
some uncontrolled drugs.

According to spokesperson Rogene
Waite, the DEAS push to classify foxy as
a controlled substance was based on a
"large increase" in the incidence of law
enforcement encounters involving the
drug, as well as "evidence of its distribu-
tion and use as a legal alternative to club
drugs." The DEA says foxy poses signifi-
cant risks to public health and has no ac-
cepted medical use in the U.S. Waite, as
well as everyone else 1 interviewed,
claims that little information exists on
how research chemicals like foxy interact
with other drugs or pharmaceuticals. No
one can begin to guess the drug's long-
term or short-term effects. Tryptamine,
the parent molecule of foxy, is known to
cause convulsions or death in animals.

Ultimately, the question of whether
people can use their brains when they're
using drugs is almost as tricky as the
question of whether they can use their
brains when they're having sex. The one
sure thing about foxy is that there will be
more of it before there's less—until an-
other research chemical replaces it. But
unless a big pharmaceutical company
comes up with a more reliable version of
foxy, no one but hard-core tripsters is
going to be in a hurry to down some and
head for the hot tub.

Now I find myself in the position of
fielding questions about foxy from friends.
I've become the expert. There seems to
be plenty of the stuff still in circulation.
When people ask if I would recommend
it, 1 say no, solely based on my friend's
bad experience with the identical dose I
took. The fact is that 1 had a wonderful
experience on foxy. I just can't be sure
I'd have the same one again

Ata dinner party recently I met a re-
search scientist working on ampheta-
mines. 1 asked him nervously what he
thought of my foray into sex on drugs.
He hadn't heard of foxy, but after I told
him the scientific name he was able to
sketch the molecular structure of the
drug on his napkin. He stared at it for a
minute, pondering. “So,” he said at last,
“the first time you have the best sex in
your life, the second time you have even
better sex than that, and the third time...
you wake up with nerve damage.”

He shrugged. “Or not.” With that he
returned to his appetizer. We didn't talk
much the rest of the evening.

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Joint Custody

(continued from page 124)
to something half presentable. Rewrap-
ping everything with the towel, I slipped
out of the bathroom and down the hall
and into bed and lined up another fresh
condom on her bedside table.

I heard the neighbors leaving and
stroked myself under the sheets, eager
to present her with the half-wood I had
managed to work up. But she was taking
her time with something out there. I
heard the rustle of paper and pen. I got
ready with a big smile.

When Shari reappeared in the bed-
room, her eyes were wide, the color
washed from her face. "He's never made
so much noise that the neighbors com-
plained,” she said. “This is a first.”

Under the sheets, I let go.
they're new here.”

“They were here when we moved in,
Deacon and I, two years ago.”

“Oh”

“He's never carried on like that. They
didn't know what was going on."

1 apologized. I thought she would say,
Don't be silly, you're not to blame, but she
didn't. She bit her lip and looked back
toward the front door, worried, and 1
took that as an opportunity to knock the
new condom off the bedside table, into
the trash. When she turned, her face
looked like a delicate structure about to
collapse. "You know what they said?"

I knew it was something upsetting—
her voice wavered and she wasn't getting
in bed—but I couldn't even imagine.

“I called Pete over and introduced
them to him—you know, to be neighbor-
ly and diplomatic and all?”

"Yeah?"

“They said, ‘Fine pork! Fine! For good
fine eating! Good and delicious, yes?"

“No, they didn't," I said. She had to
be exaggerating.

She looked like a girl, bobbing her
head in slow motion. “It’s a quote. The
man said, ‘Fine pork! Fine!’ and then his
wife said, ‘For good fine eating! and
then he said, ‘Good and delicious, yes?'"

I was amazed she could remember all
that. She pulled a scratch pad out of the
pocket of her robe. “I wrote it down after
they left. I think it's a threat.”

“They had to be kidding,” I said.
“Were they maybe kidding?”

“They were smiling, but I don't think
they were kidding. They were patting
him and feeling his haunches and stuff.”
She looked disgusted. "It's like they were
molesting him.”

"Are you sure that they weren't just
admiring him?”

She sprawled sideways across the bed,
reaching for the phone. "Deacon's going
to want to hear this."

1 took that as a cue to locate my pants.
Frankly, I was glad this time. It provid-
ed an out. This way 1 wouldn't have to
continue trying to maintain an erection

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PLAYBOY

152

while being harangued by a 100-pound
refugee from the county fair.

One night at Shari's, Deacon came
over and announced that he had an of-
fer to manage a bar in Bangor, Maine. I
pumped his hand warmly and congratu-
lated him, thinking, good riddance, but he
looked at me funny and then at Shari
and Shari explained, "Well, he's not nec-
essarily taking it. We have to discuss it.”

I didn’t get this, but I kept quiet. They
went into the kitchen and sat at the lit-
tle breakfast table. I withdrew into the
bedroom to give them some privacy.
Pete trotted out from under the bed and
joined them in the kitchen.

After Deacon left, she came in and
flopped down on the bed next to me and
announced they'd decided he wasn't
going to take it

1 rcally didn't get this.

“That's the deal. We have to agree on
job offers that require moving.” She ex-
plained that a month before, she had
turned down a great positio: Tacoma
because it didn't work out for Deacon.

I couldn't believe what I was hearing.
I hadn't thought about this before, but I

now did the math: That meant that if we
got serious, and I wanted to take a job
somewhere else, 1 would not only have
to work it out with her, but also get the
approval of her ex so he could be within
driving distance of a fucking pig?

“We have a list of mutually acceptable
cities,” she said. “Everything else is up
for debate. If some place where I
could keep teaching Pilates, then, sure,
Ud be willing to follow him there. If I
thought Pete would like the town."

1 hadn't realized how cavalier she was
about her connection to this town—
which included me—and toward being
joined at the hip with Deacon, this hob-
bling inconvenience. I asked her why
she broke up with him anyway.

"Oh," she said, "we've got zero in com-
mon. Except for Pete. And we only got
him as a sort of last-ditch attempt to
work things out."

"Really? It seems to me you guys are
still pretty close."

“It's totally over between us. We're
friends. That's it.”

1 heard laughter and water runni
one night when I knocked on Shari's

“What my husband doesn’t know is that Rashid, the grocer, is
under here with me.”

door. Deacon let me in. I was surprised
to see him there and more surprised
to see he wasn't wearing a shirt. "Bath
night,” he said, leading me back to
where Shari struggled with Pete in the
bathtub. “It’s a two-person job, especial-
ly using the hoof trimmer.”

She smiled up at me, but looked over-
whelmed, wielding a handheld sprayer
attachment that ran from the faucet.
Deacon squeezed back in beside her,
kneeling to help. Pete was squealing, his
hoofs clacking against the porcelain.
I stood in the doorway. There was no
room left for me.

I wished she weren't wearing that
skimpy wife-beater T-shirt. I'm sure it
was the rattiest thing she had, perfectly
practical for such a messy job, but still, I
didn't like how sheer it was, how her nip-
ples showed darkly like candies beneath
gauzy paper in a box of fancy chocolates.
1 offered a hand.

“Too many cooks,” she said. Deacon
didn’t contradict. Then Pete squirmed
and kicked his hind legs and the sprayer
got her all down her front. She looked
up at me with a strand of hair in her face
anda pursed expression like this was my
fault. And now you could see everything,
her tits clearly defined in the wet shirt.
But it wasn't an inviting sight, not with
that expression thrown in. “Go,” she
commanded. “Please.”

So I kissed her on the top of her head,
like a dad, and went home and beat off.

1 was now convinced something had
to be done. And as I was getting ready
for work, putting on my shoes in front of
Live With Regis and Kelly, some romance
know-it-all with careful-looking hair was
talking about the overlooked romantic
possibilities of a road trip—unhurried
long-distance drives to Vegas, Florida,
tracing Route 66.

I picked up brochures and TripTiks
that day at AAA and spread them on her
kitchen table like tarot cards. “Just you
and me for a whole week, getting to
know each other. What do you say?”

She frowned. “That's sweet, really, but
I can't possibly go away that long.”

I reminded her that she'd told me
how much she liked the freedom and
flexibility of her work, that taking time
off was easy. The pig would stay with
Deacon, who certainly wouldn't mind.

"Oh sure," she said. "Deacon would
just love it if I did that. Give him a whole
week straight with Pete and he'll do all
that bonding and work it so Pete barely
looks at me when I return. You don't
know the guy. He'd do that."

I didn’t get it. "What would he do? Get
along with his pet?”
ust take Pete with him to work, is all.
sive him attention 24/7. Buy him treats
and toys. You know, spoil him. Let him

watch Babe, Charlotte's Web. So when he
comes back, he goes, ‘Oh yeah, her. Big
whoop. Can I just stay with you, Daddy?
Please? Pretty please?"

1 didn't say a thing, just waited for her
to settle.

^Irll happen," she said.

She was being emotional, so I decided
not to question the probability of the pig
suddenly, over the course of one week,
developing the faculty of speech. She
said, "They already have that ‘just the
boys’ male-bonding crap to begin with, I
don't need things stacked against me any
more than they are. A week is a long
time. I'd be the least favorite after that.”

I told her that I didn't see why it had
to be a competition between them. It
seemed to me she and Deacon had an
amicable arrangement.

“You don't know,” she said. "You're
single. You're not a parent or anything."

I wanted to tell her she wasn't actually
a parent, either, but that seemed a fairly
obvious point. To me, at least. "I'm just
saying, you and Deacon seem to rcally
get along. In fact, if I didn't know he was
your ex, if I just saw him talking to you
with the pig—"

"What is that supposed to mean?
What are you accusing me of?"

"Nothing," I said, because I wasn't—
not until that moment, when she had
protested so adamantly. Maybe some-
thing was going on.

“And he has a name, you know.”

1 looked down at the brochures, so
colorful and fun-looking. I hated to give
up on this idea. I put шу hands in both
of hers and tugged her close, nibbling
her neck and whispering. "Come on.
We'll bring back all kinds of really great.
presents for the pig that'll make him love
you the most, forever, no contest.”

She pulled away. “You keep calling
him the pig.”

"No, I don't." My denial was automat-
ic. I had no idea why it was wrong to call
him a pig, but I could tell, at that mo-
ment, it wasn't good.

“Ivsso dismissive. It shows how you're
totally unaccepting. Look, I'm a woman
with a pig. That's not going to change.
Maybe I'm not your ideal, pigless wom-
an. Maybe you need to find a woman
who doesn't have pets and can just —"

"I don't mind pets," I said. "I like ani-
mals. It's just —"

She nodded. “It’s just you don't like
pigs. You don't think they should be pets."

"No! Not it at all. Pigs make fine pets.
You could have a llama, I don't care. It's
Just, i£ 1 had a pet, I would want it to be
my pet. Our pet."

She inhaled deeply, considering some-
thing, then turned to the brochures and
slid them into a ncat stack. She gave me
a peck on the check and said, "Thanks,
though." And later that evening, before

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154

І went back to my place, she said she
thought maybe I vas rushing things;
that I shouldn't say that stuff about hav-
ing a pet together lightly; that that kind
oftalk was too serious, too fast. Having a
pet together was a big deal. Really big,
like talking marriage or having a baby.

With the romantic getaway kiboshed,
I opted for something far simpler: the
evening of total pampering. Here, I was
sure, was something Deacon had never
given her. I poured her some wine,
rubbed her down with massage oils for
almost 40 minutes (the length of the
mind-numbing New Age CD I had put
on) till she fell asleep. Then I tiptoed out
to prepare the tub. I'd brought along the
works: bath beads, a Ziploc full of rose
petals to sprinkle on the water, two ter-
rycloth-lined inflatable pillows, scented
candles and matches in case I couldn't
find any, since she didn't smoke. I put a
lot of thought into this.

Except for the drain. There was no
built-in plunger thingy, and if there was
a rubber stopper I couldn't find it. I
realized that the only bath I had seen
her take was at my place. Even Pete
took showers.

And now he was standing beside me,
staring at the empty tub, then up at me,
like, What nou, genius?

I didn’t want to wake Shari. Maybe she
didn't even have one. I scribbled a note
at the hall desk—Be right back. Don't
move!—and was halfway out the door
when I realized that I didn't have a key.
Screw it, 1 decided, leaving the door ajar
and racing down the stairs, through a

cloud of kimchi wafting from the Kore-
ans. I would be right back.

But Walgreens wasn't exactly right
around the corner, The whole thing took
the better part of an hour, from slipping
out of the apartment to pulling in at the
curb in front of Shari's. Right behind
Deacon's van. I recognized the 1 v MY POT-
BELLY bumper sticker.

"This wasn't his day for Pete. I knew
that. I had double-checked the calendar
in the kitchen, to make sure we wouldn't
be interrupted.

1 moved swiftly up the creaky stairs,
hoping to go unheard. The door was still
ajar and I burst in to find Shari now
wide awake, standing in the front hall in
her terrycloth robe. Deacon was fully
clothed, in his coat, even, but I couldn't
tell if he had just arrived or was making
his escape, which I'd thwarted.

“What's going on?” I demanded.

She was glaring at me. So was he.

“You didn't pull the door closed. Pete
got out.”

“He was out in the hall,” Deacon said.
He said it the way you might say, He hot-
wired a Camaro, scored a six-pack and went
for a joyride.

1 asked Deacon, as politely as I could,
what he was doing there.

“She called me. She was very upset.
I'm very upset.”

Shari's arms were folded tight across
her chest. "What were you thinking?"

I peeked around the hall closet door.
Pete was curled up in his little bed.
“Nothing happened to him. Right?”

She made a noise through her teeth
that made me think showing her the
rubber drain plug would be pointless

“I remember my first desk job.”

right now.

“He couldn't really go anywhere," I
said. "He wouldn't go down the stairs,
right? By himself, he can't even"

"He went all the way down the hall!”

“He was right in front of the Kore-
ans," the guy said. "We're lucky we got
him back."

[tried to laugh, hoping to get them to
join in. "What, so just because they're
Korean, they're going to steal your pet
pig and eat him? I gotta be honest here,
Shari, I think this guy's kind of racist."

"Don't try to—” the guy said. "You
know what you did."

"Seriously," I said. "Just because
they're Korean?"

Deacon stepped closer to me, raising
his voice now. “Oh, right. I'm being
racist. Never mind that they said he was
"delicious."

Shari waved the air as if dispersing the
cloud of testosterone collecting there be-
tween us. “No one's saying they would
actually do it. But I think maybe you
hoped they would do it."

"What?" I couldn't believe this. “What
exactly are you accusing me of here?”

Deacon spoke for both of them. “We
are saying maybe you knew that you left
the door open.”

I opened my mouth and a hollow
sound came out. I tried again. “Please.
It's not like I'd—" I bent to pet the pig.
“I like Pete, I wouldn't —"

Shari swatted my arm. "Don't you
touch him."

With a squeal and surprising agility,
Pete hopped up and trotted around the
corner into the bedroom, where he
wedged himself behind the dresser. Hc
looked like a kid, escaping the domes-
tic ruckus, Shari and Deacon rushed to
his aid, baby-talking, calling him Petie,
telling him that everything was OK. that
his mommy and daddy were there and
no one was going to hurt him. They
looked just like they did in that Christ-
mas photo, kneeling down like that, cra-
dling Pete between them.

I could hear their voices all the way
down the stairs, cooing over their baby,
telling him he was going to be fine, the
big bad man was leaving. As I pushed
through the door to the street, 1 heard
a laugh from Shari: Pete had made an
adorable sniffle or Deacon had said some-
thing cute. Who knew, who cared?

I stood on the sidewalk, wondering
where I could go at this hour. Then I got
in my car and I drove to Denny's and sat
in a big open booth all by myself and
ordered something they called a Moons
Over My Hammy and when it came I
asked the waitress, with my best big
friendly smile, if I could also order an
extra helping of bacon on the side.

We'll be honest—it kind of
pisses us off that rock stars get all
the hot chicks. Last month we
told you about Jessica Lee's mar-
riage to Papa Roach's Jerry Hor-
ton. The Playmate-rock star con-
nection continues with Shan-

na Moakler and

Blink-182. The
dutiful rock girl-
friend, Shanna
says she actually
enjoys riding on
the smelly, guy-
filled tour bus.
"The road is a
lot of fun," she
says. "I love the
bands, the fans,
the venues, the
lifestyle. In the
Bahamas, Travis
and I broke into

a beachfront villa and made
love." How did the couple meet?
At an LA bar, natch. “Travis is so
talented. There's nothing sexier
than watching him play drums."

Travis Barker of i

PLAYMATE * NEWS

"SUNG ANIMAL ABUSE

by bitch as
бө THE WORLD

Pam Anderson is accustomed to creating a com-
} motion, though not usually over her big causes. The

30 YEARS AGO THIS MONTH

As one of the
most successful |
Centerfold-ac-
tresses, Martha
Smith has had
roles in every-
thing from The
Scarecrow and
Mrs. King to
the new Fox
comedy Oli-
ver Beene. (“I
play a snob-

usual,” she
says.) Her

most-loved

on-screen
bitch? Babs,
who was stripped down to
her bra and granny panties
in the movie Animal House.

Martha Smith,

: latest rift came when Pam went to Vienna to launch

a People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals cam-
paign (including the poster at right). While there,

Pam attended the Opera Ball
with PETA's Dan Mathews
(top), sending Vienna into an

i uproar. "Pam used it as a pub-
i licity stunt for her cause, and

the papers were filled with
endless discussions of her
breasts," said a source. Never
one to apologize for her sex

: appeal, Pam stayed focused.
: "People who wear fur are not

knowledgeable about the pain

i and suffering that goes into
i making fur coats,” she says.

OLE'S SCRAPBOOK

LOOSE -

"Scientists have invented
a smart bra that tightens its
own straps when the wearer
needs more support. It also
beat Anna Nicole Smith at
Scrabble." —Jimmy Fallon

"I spent $4000 to go toa €
and cor ed it an inyest-
ment—there are a lot of
roles €

" pee ЕА 32
AN NG .

HOT SHOT

HEATHER KOZAR
a GETS TRASHY

. When Centerfolds need
JÎ sexy skiwies, they beeline

] to LA's Trashy Lingerie.
y Many of the girls, includ-
ing Heather Kozar, also
BPA, model for trashy.com.
y) Maybe there's an em-
ployee discount.
AATE BI ¡DAYS
February 1990

July 7: Miss June 1974
Sandy Johnson

July 14: Miss November 1974
Bebe Buell

July 17: Miss November 1998
Tiffany Taylor

July 31: Miss October 1998
Jodi Ann Paterson

POP QUESTION:
JENNIFER WALCOTT

Q: Carmen Electra shot you naked
for Playboy.com. Was that weird?

A: It was comfortable. I mean, it's
not as if I haven't
seen her naked in
PLAYBOY too.

Q: Have you
ever been a delib-
erate tease?

A: Yes I have—
there were times
when I didn't want
to goall the way but I wanted to show
a guy what I had to offer.

Q: What's the best compliment a
guy can give?

A: "You have a great heart."

Q: Do pickup lines work?
A: If you're hot enough and nice
enough, anything may work.

МҮ FAVORITE PLAYMATE

“Miss January 1983
Lonny Chin's picture
is still tacked to the
wall in my bedroom

closet at my rums

house. My grandmother didn't

know that it was there

then and she doesn't

know it's there

now. I considered

taking it down, but.

PLAYBOY has always

meant a lot to mm

so 1 left it up. I

$ don't know where

Lonny is now. In

those days she was

More proof that sex sells: When it
comes to shilling liquor, our Centerfolds
are topped more frequently than kegs
in a frat house. From left: Karen Mc-
Dougal does Corona, Lauren Michelle
Hill, Lindsey Vuolo serving up Yuengling
light lager, No-

talia Sokolova.

Contains to Port Charles
star Kelly Monaco (pictured),
who was nominated for a Day-
time Emmy for her roles as Liv-
vie and Tess. ... How does
A Lani Todd feel about
= comparisons to Marilyn
Monroe? "In certain
ways I look like her,"
she says, "but Marilyn
was one of a kind." . -
Brande Roderick is writing a
book about love
and astrology. “It
will be hot,” she
says.... Cynthia
Myers, who was
injured in a Cali-
fornia ranch ac-
cident, thanks
all her fans for
their support:
"You mean the
world to me. I
love you all."
To keep up-
dated on her
progress and
events, includ-
ing the DVD
release of Be- <
yond the Valley of the Selly:
Dolls and her latest
role, go to cynthiamyers.com.
One good reason to see American.
Wedding, the last part of the Amer-
ican Pie trilogy? Nikki Schieler
shows up. . .. Jenny McCarthy
has been all over the boob tube,
including roles on Fastlane and
Less Than Perfect. . . Smirnoff lce
Playboy X-Treme Team captain
Danelle Folta called to say how
she and her teammates celebrate
victory: "Smirnoff Ice—what
else?” she says. (Helps that it's
free). ... Nicole Lenz and Simon

Simon: “Another Red Bull for the lody?”

Rex (above) hung at Light in Sin
City. . . . Want Dalene Kurtis to
spice up your voicemail? At your
mobile.com you can download a
greeting from her. It's the next
best thing to scoring her digits.

en TV’s

„gulli шр

m ud
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Guest Star¡Steve-0 from'Jackass!

the

scene

WHAT'S HAPPENING, WHERE IT'S HAPPENING AND WHO'S MAKING IT HAPPEN

he axiom “If you can’t be fast, then look fast” has never
been more attainable—especially with today’s streamlined
bicycles. Thanks to advances in manipulating and molding
aluminum and carbon fiber, the traditional diamond-
shaped bicycle frame is being tweaked, squeezed and stretched
into exotic and aerodynamic shapes. Combined with continuing

RICHARD IZUI

ROLL MODELS

improvements in drivetrain, braking and suspension technology,
the results are sleek, futuristic mountain, road and city bikes, like
those pictured here. They're lighter, tougher, safer, more comfort-
able and even faster than their predecessors. Or at least they look
it. Now do your part and lose a few pounds before you pull on that
new skintight Lycra jersey. —ROY M. WALLACK

Left: A flex-resistant carbon-fiber frame, low-maintenance
swing-arm suspension, disc brakes and nine-speed drive-
train make the EPX Terrashark mountain bike our ride
of choice for difficult terrain ($1600).

Above: Messenger boys, eat our dust! The all-alu-
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WHERE AND HOW TO RUY ON PAGE 139.

159

NS opevine

The One With the Missing Button
There's a little more of JENNIFER ANISTON on public display
these days, with appearances in the recent movie Bruce Almighly
with Jim Carrey and in an upcoming romantic comedy with Ben
Stiller and Debra Messing. We'll take the plunge with her anytime.

Isn't She

a Doll?
Maybe you caught
EMARIE DOLL in
Britney Spears's
music video Boys
or in Filipinas
Magazine in 2002.
If not, here's your
chance to catch up.

Start Her Up
It’s good to be Ron
Wood's daughter.
Just ask LEAH. After
landing a mod.

deal with cosmetics
giant Lancóme, she
decided to follow
in dad's footsteps
and choose a
music career
instead.

We Get
Rie's Point
RIE RASMUSSEN,
who made out
with Rebecca
Romijn-Stamos in
Femme Fatale,
made fans look
twice at the Victo-
ria's Secret fash-
ion show. Here's
another glance.

1ESNUTT, fresh from a tour with the
Roots, sings “АЙ 1 want is pussy/Give me some
religion/A brand new Cadillac/And a winning
lotto ticket" on his critically acclaimed CD, The
Headphone Masterpiece. Plug in.

That's a
Mouthful
Maybe you
would like to
tell calendar
girl and video
model CRISSY
MORAN that |
this underwear

isn't edible.

We're
speechless.

New Girl
in Town
Wearing a smile and
not much else,
PETRA NEMCOVA,
the Sports Mlustrat-
ed swimsuit-issue
cover girl, models
for both Max
Factor and
Cartier.

MWiotpourri

GET SAUCED

Ever hear of Salt Lick BBQ Sauce from Drift-
wood, Texas, Fiorella's Jack Stack from Kansas
City or BlackHole from San Jose? Neither had
we, but we've become regular Qnoisseurs since
joining BBO Sauce of the Month, a service that
scours the country for obscure finger-lickers
from restaurants and small companies that sell
their products only locally. Two sauces a month
cost $13, or subscribe for a year for $156. Get
more information at bbqsauceofthemonth.com
or call 845-536-7492.

[

| snes dag

VIEW IT AGAIN, SAM
These binoculars not only get you close to а

play, they let you watch the action over and
over. Bushnell’s new Instant Replay digital
model records a 30-second continuous video
loop for viewing on the pop-up LCD screen (so
you can boo the ump's call with confidence).
‘The binocs also take digital photos with 2.1-
megapixel resolution and have 16 megs of
internal memory and a flash card. Pric

$600. Bushnell.com has more information.

HELUS KETTLEBELLS

How do Russians cure
their frequent hangovers?
Pickle juice and kettlebell
workouts. Resembling bas-
ketballs with suitcase han-
on kettlebells
are the weights of choice
for Russian and American
Special Forces. Weights
range from nine to 88
pounds ($89.95 to
$179.95). Beginners

should purchase a

$39.95 videotape in

which Russian kettlebell
trainer Pavel Tsatsouline
demonstrates how to

strength. (There's a tape
for women, too. Price:
$29.95.) Call 800-899-
5111 or check out dragon
doorcom to order. You're
on your own with the
pickle juice, comrade.

NE Sy

а mn m

GREAT BALLS OF FIRE Ñ

We did a bounce test with

StrobeBalls in the office and every-

body wanted one. The rubber ball

cheis like crazy when flung against a hard
surface, and an LED begins flashing.
(Caution: This combo has been known to
transfix cats and stoners for hours.) Balls
are $5 each or four for

$16. StrobeBall.com

also imprints logos

on the balls.

THREE CHEERS FOR VODKA

Michigan-based Local Color has intro-

a, a microdistilled blueberry-
flavored vodka. Tote it chilled to a picnic.
Price: $22. Absolut Vanilia makes a great
white russian when mixed with coffee
liqueur and hcavy cream. Price: $18.

The latest Van Gogh vodka is pineapple

shake two ounces with half an ounce of
Triple Sec Magnifique and an ounce of
pineapple juice. Strain into a martini

glass, add a splash of pomegranate juice.
Severed-ear garnish optional. Price: $30.

POP THE TOP

Forget the fancy dinner
and a show—Nude Beer
lets you take offa wom
an's clothes for the price
of a longneck. The bottle's

“peel-to-reveal” label is

the brainchild of Naked

Brew, which currently dis-

tributes its sexed-up suds

in southern California,

with Nevada and Arizona

soon to follow. New models.

appear on the labels about

every 10 weeks. "Drink Nude" T-:
information on retail outlets are available at
drinknudebeer.com. So how does the beer
taste? Who cares!

REMOTE PATROL

The mind boggles at the mischief you can create with a Porsche
Cayenne remote-control model car equipped with a tiny video
camera that beams back to a screen on your transmitter. Chase
the dog or maneuver the Cayenne around the pool to check out
the sunbathing beauties. Just don't steer it into the ladies' locker
room or the last thing you see might be the bottom of a sneaker,
Price: $329, from 800-PorscHE, or go to porsche.com/shop.

BURNING DESIRE

Chances are you've been ex-
posed to the lowbrow art move-
ment even if you didn't know
it—€ither by eyeing a sticker on
a bathroom wall or the cover of
a garage-band album. For al-
most a decade, Flame Rite has
challenged top lowbrow artists
to adorn the Zippo lighter's
miniature metal canvas with
their work. Scorched Ant: The
Incendiary Aesthetic of Flame Rite
Zippos collects the company’s en-
tire line of lighters and chroni-
cles the evolution of an art
movement from originators Ed
“Big Daddy” Roth and R.
Crumb to innovators Shepard
“airey, Coop and Pizz. Price:
$18.95, from feralhouse.com.

Bex: Month

OUR CAR’ BIGGER THAN YOURS

MISS AUGUST AND EVERYTHING AFTER

CASUAL SEX 2003—FIRST CAME THE OFFICE SEX SURVEY,
ONE OF OUR MOST POPULAR ARTICLES EVER. NOW WE'RE
EXPLORING HOOKUPS IN OUR SPECIAL STATE OF PROMISCU-
ITY REPORT. WHO'S GETTING LAID—AND HOW OFTEN? FROM
CLUBLAND QUICKIES TO DORM ROOM THREESOMES TO
WHATSHERNAME, 10,000 MANIACS TELL ALL

TOBEY MAGUIRE—HE'S RIDING HIGH AS A JOCKEY IN
SEABISCUIT AND MOONLIGHTING AGAIN AS A HUMAN ARACH-
NID. DOES THE GUY BEHIND SPIDER-MAN HAVE LEGS? TOBEY
SHOOTS HIS WEB ABOUT HOOKING UP WITH KIRSTEN DUNST,
MUSCLING UP—AND SHRINKING DOWN—TO NAIL HIS ROLES
AND WHAT IT'S REALLY LIKE TO BE A PART OF LEO'S PUSSY
POSSE. A FORTHRIGHT INTERVIEW BY DAVID SHEFF

THE GREATEST SPORTS MOMENTS OF THE MILLEN-
NIUM—SO WHAT IF THE MILLENNIUM IS ONLY THREE YEARS
OLD? WE WANTED TO BEAT EVERYONE IN RANKING THE
HIGHS AND LOWS. WRITER KEVIN COOK, JOHN SALLEY AND
TOM ARNOLD HASH IT OUT. PS. SCREW THE YANKEES!

BEAUTIFUL HIGH SCHOOL NARC—SHE WAS THE SEXIEST
GIRL IN HER PENNSYLVANIA HIGH SCHOCL. THEN SHE START-
ED TAKING DOWN THE DRUG DEALERS—ONE BY ONE. AN
AMAZING TRUE STORY. BY MARK BOAL

"DID 1 GET WITH KIRSTEN DUNST? READ THE INTERVIEW!

CARNAL CARNIE: LIFE'S A BEACH BOYS’ DAUGHTER

CLASS REUNION SURVIVAL GUIDE—IT'S BEEN 10 YEARS
SINCE YOU THREW UP AT PROM AND SHAGGED A CHEER-
LEADER ON THE 50-YARD LINE—NOW YOU'RE READY TO WOW
THE GANG. DON'T WORRY IF YOU HAVEN'T STRUCK IT RICH.
OUR GUIDE TO AMPING UP YOUR WATTAGE WILL MAKE YOU
BIG MAN ON CAMPUS AGAIN. BY DAN HEILUM

CARNIE WILSON--LAPAROSCOPIC GASTRIC BYPASS SUR-
GERY HAS NEVER LOCKED SO GOOD. YOU'LL HAVE FUN, FUN,
FUN CHECKING OUT BRIAN WILSON'S DAUGHTER SANS
KNICKERS—AND HALF HER FORMER WEIGHT

PERSONAL VELOCITY —WHEN IT COMES TO DICK-MEASUR-
ING CONTESTS, ONLY FOOLS USE RULERS. WE TRY OUT THE
WORLD'S FASTEST VEHICLES—A PLANE, CAR, MOTORCYCLE.
AND POWERBOAT. BUCKLE UP!

WHAT'S IN YOUR BAG?—SKATEBOARDER TONY HAWK,
PORN STAR SUNRISE ADAMS AND DISTURBED GUITARIST.
DAN DONEGAN LET US SNOOP THROUGH THEIR LUGGAGE

PLUS: 200 WITH NEW YORK CONGRESSMAN CHARLES
RANGEL, BABE OF THE MONTH MONICA KEENA, OUR PICKS
FOR THE YEAR'S COOLEST—AND MOST AFFORDABLE-
FASHION AND MISS AUGUST, COLLEEN MARIE

Playboy (ISSN 0032-1478), July 2003, volume 50, number 7. Published monthly by Playboy in national and regional editions, Playboy, 680 North

Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611. Periodicals postage paid at Chicago, Illinois and at additional mailing offices. Canada Post Cana-

dian Publications Mail Sales Product Agreement No. 40035534. Subscriptions: in the U.S., $29.97 for 12 issues. Postmaster: Send address change to
164 Playboy, PO. Box 2007, Harlan, Iowa 51537-4007. For subscripion-related questions, e-mail circ@playboy.com. Editorial: editG playboy.com.

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