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2 JAIME 


AMA ТЕУ 
М PRESSLY 
А; Y 
MEN ARE і 
FROM MARS. let the mung 
e STAR KIEFER 
CUPID ОКУ 


SUTHERLAND 
STUPID? | 


© THE YEAR 
IN SEX 


WINY ХА 
ТЕ CO Boch u 
FIGHT OR DIE 


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Rethink What's Possible. 
wheel? You got tt Its a 


The All-New таура 3 
Starting at $14,530* 


enon headlights? All y 


JAMESON" 


IRISH WHISKEY 
www.Jameson.te WHAT'S THE RUSH?" 


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The star of TV's groundbreaking hit 24, Kiefer Sutherland is 
the subject of a real-time Playboy Interview with Lawrence 
Grobel. While some action heroes rely on camera tricks 
and stunt doubles for their physical prowess, Kiefer's time 
on the rodeo circuit molded him into a bona fide tough guy. 
*He told me a story about how he lassoed some girl by her 
feet on the set of The Cowboy Way," says Grobel, “and | 
didn't believe him. He said, '1 can show you | have some 
ropes in the саг. We went out to his car, and he pulled a bag 
out of the trunk with six or eight different lariats. He took one 
out. We were in the middle of my street, and he told me to 
walk ahead of him. So I'm walking ahead of him, not look- 
ing, and he did it: He snagged me by the foot. Then he gave. 
me the lasso and told me | should start practicing with it." 


. a / 


Hailed for his lighthearted touch and innovetive use of out- 
door locations, star photographer Patrick Demarchelier 
captures Jaime Pressly frolicking at a picture-perfect beach 
on St. Bart's. "When I shoot I always adapt to the situation 
and to the person's style," he explains. Jaime hes a great 
personality. Very sexy. That made her very easy to shoot. 
When | made suggestions about things | wanted to do, she 
didn't say no even once. She was very cooperative, confi- 
dent and easy to work with. It was just perfect." We agree. 


Boxers are notorious for their. 
self-destructive tendencies. 
But the manic, drug-fueled an- 
tics of five-time world champ 
Johnny Tapia are notorious 
even among self-destructive 
boxers. "The high point of the 
research experience," reports 
Katherine Dunn, author of Fight 
or Die, "was when he took me 
out in his 1950 Mercury. We're 
cruising in the Merc, and these 
elderly ladies with silver hair 
and trifocals are waving and 
smiling at a shaven-headed, 
heavily tattooed fighter as they 
drive by in their Buick. He was 
so thrilled they loved his car that 
he waved back. Waving at each 
other were these dainty little 
hands and then this big boxer's 
arm covered with black tattoos." 


Our redesigned Forum features 
a provocative essay by Ishmael 
Reed, the author of Another Day 
at the Front (Basic Books) and 
Blues City: A Walk in Oakland 
(Crowr). He wants to know, "Are. 
the Republicans attempting 
to establish themselves as a 
white—or Amerikaner—party 
by disenfranchising minority 
voters?" The answer matters, he. 
Says, because the tactics used 
against minorities often come 
back to haunt the majority. Mar- 
ion Barry's setup, for instance, 
was a necessary preface to the 
attacks on Bill Clinton. "While 
we are spending billions of dol- 
lars to support democracy 
abroad, are we headed for one- 
party rule here?" 


Ray Bradbury, the universe's most renowned science fic- 
tion writer, returns to our pages this month with Destination 
Mars to argue in favor of pushing the boundaries of space 
travel. He thinks it's time to get a new generation engaged in 
the endless possibilities of the cosmos. "Some years back 
the Smithsonian Institution asked me to revise its planetar- 
ium program," he says. “I watched one of the shows, and 
within 10 minutes the dark auditorium was filled with snores 
I thought, My god, they're teaching instead of preaching." 


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51, по. 2—february 2004 


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SEN | 


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cover 51 


In the big-screen action flick Torque, 


Pressly revs engines os о motorcycle-riding 


villoiness. Famed photographer Patrick 


Demorchelier hod Joime step away from the 
bike, onto the beach ond out of her clothes. She 


rode the woves in her lingerie with our Robbit. 


features == 
60 THE PEOPLE VS. ROBERT BLAKE 
Prep for the biggest celebrity murder trial since O.J.’s with an exclusive look at the 
prosecution's case file: a day-by-day account of the lead detective's investigation, 
including peeks at victim Bonny Lee Bakley's shady connections, the bizarre police 
interviews with Blake and the damning “Kill Bonny” list. BY MILES CORWIN 
72 DESTINATION MARS 
Enlhusiasm for space exploration has plummeted. Now the author of The Martian 
Chronicles argues for а renewed push toward the final frontier. BY RAY BRADBURY. 
76 FIGHT OR DIE 
Even in the brutal world of professional boxing, the life of five-time world champion 
Johnny Tapia stands out. Brilliant in the ring and self-destructive outside it, 
Tapia has weathered arrests, addictions and even drug-induced comas. But now 
he faces his most daunting opponent ever: impending retirement. Can the man 
whose nickname is Mi Vida Loca survive? BY KATHERINE DUNN 
82 VALENTINE'S DAY SEX QUIZ 
(a) Is a humorless academic exam on the origins of this Hallmark holiday. 
(b) Is funnier than five clowns having sex on a tightrope. 
(с) Is your last chance to get lucky this February 14. 
Find the answer here. 
100 PLAY TO WIN 
The next few months mark the high season of sports gambling, so we took lessons 
from high rollers, bookies and oddsmakers for the ultimate tip sheet. Learn when to 
ignore the spread, why an underdog is man's best friend and how you can tell if a 
prize horse is an ass. Don't bother thanking us; just send us a check after you cash in. 
BY ALLEN ST. JOHN 
105 CENTERFOLDS ON SEX: LAURIE FETTER 
Vibrators? Buzz off. Laurie quivers for neck kisses. 
106 20Q DAVE MATTHEWS 
Even though his eponymous combo grossed more than $85 million last year, the 
jam-band king reveals a double-secret plan for his next career move: breaking into 
the imported-cheese industry. BY ALAN LIGHT 
_fiction 
108 ASSIGNMENT IN HAVANA 
A journalist tails Cuba's annual Ernest Hemingway fishing tournament. Then 
Castro reels him іп to witness an unspeakable act of violence. BY BOB SHACOCHIS 
interview 
55 KIEFER SUTHERLAND 


A decade ago it seemed certain һе would go down in Hollywood history as the man 
Julia Roberts dumped at the altar before hightailing it to Ireland with his best friend. 
But Sutherland’s legacy was rewritten when he took on the role of Jack Bauer in 
Fox's frenetic hit 24. In a Playboy Interview with a few cliff-hangers, we talk about D 
growing up with a famous dad, breaking up with a Pretty Woman and kicking the 


shit out of guys in bars. Time's a-ticking—start reading. BY LAWRENCE GROBEL = 


vol. 51, по. 2—februory 2004 
, b 


ж 


| 
сопіепіз continued 


pictorials 


66 THE YEAR IN SEX 39 MANTRACK 
Britney and Madonna played. 
tongue tag, athletes played sexy 
games and protesters played 98 PARTY JOKES 


43 THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 


naked peace ganes. 
148 WHERE AND HOW TO BUY 
86 PLAYMATE: ALIYA WOLF 
This Lone Star beauty is living. 159 ON THE SCENE 
proof that it can be fun to mess 160 GRAPEVINE 


with Texas. 


122 JAIME PRESSLY 
Torque's torch reveals her simple 
side (and naked backside). 


162 POTPOURRI 


fashion 
112 НОУ/ТНЕ WEST WAS WORN 
notes and news The solution to spring style: saddle 
W A 50TH ANNIVERSARY VP EY 3OSEPHI DE ACETIS 
FETE АТ HEF'S 
Jenny McCarthy, Pamela Ander- ji 
son and other beauties toast the reviews 
magazine that made them famous. 2y | MOVIES 
47 THE PLAYBOY FORUM Take your Valentine's Day squeeze 
Justice goes up in smoke for Tommy on a memorable 50 First Dates 
Chong, five ways to fix the world or laugh together at Along 
and why voter scams should bother Came Polly. 
us all. 
29 DVDS 
155 PLAYMATE NEWS Don't miss Lost in Translation; 
Set your Troo—Kelly Monaco where to find Nicole Kidman topless. 
has a neu show; Andrew WK.'s 
favorite Playmate. 30 MUSIC 
А right-on chat with the Yeah Yeah 
Yeahs; Stereolab experiments. 
departments 
32 GAMES 
3 PLAYBILL Spar with Jet Li in Rise to Honor; 
15 DEAR PLAYBOY play godfather in Gangland. 
19 AFTER HOURS 33 BOOKS 
ЕА Gee Elmore Leonard's Mr. Paradise is 
prose from heaven; пеш fiction 
37 РІДҮВОҮСОМ about Columbine. 


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HUGH M. HEFNER 


editor-in-chief 


JAMES KAMINSKY editorial director 
STEVEN RUSSELL deputy editor 
TOM STAEBLER art director 
GARY COLE photography director 
LISA CINDOLO GRACE managing editor 
ROBERT LOVE editor at large 
JOHN REZEK associate managing editor 
STEPHEN RANDALL executive editor 
LEOPOLD FROEHLICH assistant managing editor 


EDITORIAL 
FEATURES: CHRISTOPHER NAFOLITANO editor; АЈ. BAIME articles editor; FORUM: CHIP ROWE 
senior associate editor; PATTY LAMBERT! assistant editor; MODERN LIVING: DAVID STEVENS editor; 
JASON BUHRMESTER associale edilor; DAN HENLEY administrative assistant; STAFF: ALISON PRATO. 
associate editor; ROBERT B. DESALVO. ТІМ MOHR assistant editors; HEATHER НАЕВЕ, 

CAROL KUBALEK, EMILY LITTLE, KENNY LULL editorial assistants; CARTOONS: MICHELLE URRY editor; 
JENNIFER THIELE assistant; COPY: WINIFRED ORMOND сору chief: STEVE GORDON associate copy chief; 
CAMILLE CAUTI senior сору editor; PETER BORTEN copy editor; RESEARCH: DAVID COHEN research 
direclor; BRENDAN BARR senior researcher; LUCASZALESKI associate senior researcher; DANIEL FISHER, 
RON MOTTA researchers; MARK DURAN research librarian; BRADLEY LINCOLN assistant; EDITORIAL 
PRODUCTION: JENNIFER JARONECZYK HAWTHORNE acting managing editor; BONNIE SHELDEN 
manager; VALERY SOROKIN associate; READER SERVICE: MIKE OSTROWSKI correspondent; 
CONTRIBUTING EDITORS: KEVIN BUCKLEY, JOSEPH DE ACETIS (FASHION). GRETCHEN EDGREN, 
LAWRENCE GROBEL. KEN GROSS. WARREN KALBACKER, ARTHUR KRETCHMER. JOE MORGENSTERN, 


JAMES R. PETERSEN, DAVID RENSIN, DAVID SHEFF, JOHN D. THOMAS 


HEIDI PARKER west coast editor 


ART 
SCOTT ANDERSON, BRUCE HANSEN, CHET SUSKI, LEN WILLIS, ROB WILSON senior art directors; 
PAUL CHAN senior art assistant; JOANNA METZGER art assistant; 


CORTEZ WELLS art services coordinator; MALINA LEE senior art administrator 


PHOTOGRAPHY 

MARILYN GRABOWSKI west coast editor; JIM LARSON managing editor; KEVIN KUSTER. STEPHANIE MORRIS 

senior editors; PATTY BEAUDET-FRANCES associate editor; RENAY LARSON assistant editor; ARNY FREYTAG, 
STEPHEN WAYDA senior contributing photographers; GEORGE. GEORGIOU staff photographer; 

RICHARD IZUL. MIZUNO, BYRON NEWMAN, GEN NISHINO, POMPEO POSAR. DAVID RAMS contributing 
photographers; BILL WHITE studio manager—los angeles; ELIZABETH GEORGIOL manager, 
photo library; KEVIN RAIG manager, photo lab; MELISSA ELIAS photo researcher; 
PENNY EKKERT Production coordinator. 


DIANE SILBERSTEIN publisher 


ADVERTISING 
JEFF KIMMEL eastern advertising director; NEW YORK: HELEN BIANCULLI direct response adverti: sing 
diredor; SUE JAFFE beauty manager; RON STERN liquor manager; TATIANA VERENICIN fashion manager; 
JOHN LUMPKIN senior account executive; MICHAEL BELLINGHAM account executive; MARIE FIRNENO 
advertising operations director; KARA SARISKY advertising coordinator; CHICAGO: JOE HOFFER midwest 
sales manager; WADE BAXTER senior account executive; LOS ANGELES: DENISE SCHIPFER west coast 
manager; COREY SPIEGEL senior account executive; SAN FRANCISCO: JENNIFER SAND account executive 


MARKETING 
LISA NATALE associate publisher/marketing; SUE 1GOE event marketing director; 
CARRIE CROSS promotions manager; JULIA LIGHT marketing services director; 
DONNA TAVOSO creative services director 


PRODUCTION 
MARIA MANDIS director; JODY JURGETO production manager; CINDY PONTARELLI, DEBBIE TILLOU 
associate managers; JOE CANE, CHAR KROWCZYK assistant managers; 
BILL BENWAY, SIMMIE WILLIAMS prepress 


CIRCULATION 
LARRY A. DJERF newsstand sales director; PHYLLIS ROTUNNO subscription circulation director 


ADMINISTRATIVE 
MARCIA TERRONES rights & permissions director 


PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES INTERNATIONAL, INC. 
CHRISTIE HEFNER chairman, chief executive officer 
JAMES P RADTKE senior vice president and general manager 


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Hef hosted a 50th Anniversary Celebration at 
the Playboy Mansion with celebrities and 
Centerfolds for a two-hour special on A&E. 
(1) Mr. Playboy and his girlfriends holding 
court. (2) Playmate icons Anna Nicole Smith, 
Bettie Page and Pamela Anderson. (3) For- 
mer New Kid on the Block Joey McIntyre 
and his wife Barrett with Traci Bingham. (4) 
Event co-hosts Jenny McCarthy and Drew 
Carey. (5) Sarah Silverman and Jimmy Kim- 
mel. (6) Hef and his 50th Anniversary Play- 
mate Colleen Shannon. (7) Victoria Fuller 
and Michael Clarke Duncan. (8) Playmate of 
the Year Christina Santiago and Joey Fatone. 
(9) Lance Bass and Kelly Osbourne. (10) 
Wrestling stars Torrie Wilson and Billy Kid- 
man. (11) The always camera-ready Paris 
Hilton. (12) Singer Blu Cantrell entertaining 
the crowd. (13) Tina Jordan and Joanie Lau- 
rer. (14) Drew Carey roasting the host. (15) 
Hef and Sean Lennon. (16) Jack and Sharon 
Osbourne with Evan “Joe Millionaire” Mar- 
riott. (17) Playmates in Bunny costumes add 
a retro touch to the festivities. 


(1) Hef with the Bentley 
* twins, Brande Roderick 
and Jessica Paisley. (2) Rocker Rob Zombie, a 
stunning Pamela Anderson and photographer 
David LaChapelle. (3) Kelsey Grammer and 
the host. (4) Hollywood icon Tony Curtis and 
his wife Jill. (5) Geraldo Rivera and his wife 
Erica with Roseanne and Jesse Jackson. (6) 
Masters Cooper and Marston Hefner hang- 
ing out with the Bunnies. (7) The band 
Chicago paying tribute to the Windy City, 
where Hef started PLAYBOY іп 1953. (8) Gen- 
eral Hospital star Kelly Monaco and the guy 
who made her a Playmate. (9) Lisa Dergan 
and Jeremy Piven. (10) An impressive trio: 
Christie Hefner, Barbi Benton and attorney 
Gloria Allred. (11) Two of the three Dahm sis- 
ters. (12) The O.C.'s Adam Brody and Dore 
Grace. (13) What's hopping? Playmate Bun- 
nies! (14) David Hasselhoff with his wife 
Pamela Bach. (15) Fred Willard and his wife 
Mary. (16) Testosterone-fueled jokesters 
Adam Corolla and Jimmy Kimmel. (17) Com- 
ic Paul Rodriguez takes a dip in the Grotto. 


1 
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ay THE DVD JANUARY 27! 


Distributed by Buena Vista Home Entertainment, к. Burbank, Сайта 91521. © Buena Vista Home Entertainment, ic. 


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rcel Wanders 


SAPPHIRE INSPIRED 


jew with Quentin Taran- 
tino (November) is wonderful. He's 
опе of the smartest and most creative 
people working in Hollywood. I read 
the piece twice. 

Stephanie Lee 
San Jose, California 


The only thing 1 don't like about 
Quentin is that he hasn't made more 


Quentin wins for best director. 


movies. Keep rocking, Q.T. But rock 
a little faster. 

Jack Custer 

Austin, Texas 


Quentin is our generation's Orson 
Welles. He's brilliant. 

Doug Roman 

Colorado Springs, Colorado 


I'm pleased that the mutt-faced Quentin 
"Tarantino is getting laid. But Quentin, 
have you ever loved a woman? 

Ken Crockett 

Austin, Texas 
We didn't bother forwarding this question 
10 Tarantino, but we did send Ken а copy 
of Tina Turner's "What's Love Gol to Do 
With tt.” 


THE HEDGEHOG SPEAKS 

In your article about me (The Hedgehog 
al 50, November), [porn director] Greg 
Watkins claims that I received film 
roles from the late John Franken- 
heimer because I introduced him to 
women. This is an out-and-out insult- 
ing Пе. As far as 1 know, the great 
director was happily married to the 
same woman for many years. He put 
me in five of his projects because, as he 


told the media, he thought I deserved 
a break. Even for the one film from 
which I was cut, Frankenheimer made 
sure I got a screen credit, as Ron Hyatt 
So I have received residuals and am 
listed on the Internet Movie Database 
for five of his great films. 1 occasionally 
had dinner with Frankenheimer. Any 
girls who accompanied us were always 
my dates, not his. Watkins left early the. 
one night he saw us. If he had stayed, 
he would have seen the girl leave with 
me. Frankenheimer told many people 
that he thought I was a good actor, and 
he would often let me sec his scripts in 
advance of production. This includes 
the Exorcist prequel, which he never 
got to make due to his untimely death 
Enough said. Thank you. 

Ron Jeremy 
Hollywood, California 


HOT, HOT HANNAH 
Thanks for the Daryl Hannah pictorial 
(Hannah From Heaven, November). My 
three-year subscription has already 
paid for itself. I'm sure that after dat 
ing JFK Jr. and Jackson Browne, Daryl 
is ready for someone short, ugly and 
poor. She is no doubt trembling in an- 
ticipation at the prospect of meeting 
me. That must be her on the phone 
right now. Nope, just someone calling 
about aluminum siding. 


Bob Canup 
Houston, Texas 
Bob, we think she has your number. 


I've always thought Daryl was a beauti- 
ful woman, but I пеуег realized she 
was a kindred spirit. Any woman who 
likes being naked automatically jumps 
upa notch or two on my list of favorite 
people. I wish I were her neighbor. 
Frank D'Herde 
r Shores, Michigan 


St. C 


You didn't mention how old Daryl 
Hannah is. Regardless of her age, she 
hasn't lost a thing since Splash. 
Ed Johnson 
St. Augustine, Florida 
Daryl turned 43 on December 3 


In Cajun country we like things spicy. 

And Daryl Hannah is hotter than a 
crawfish boil on the Fourth of July. 

Sean Flul 

Baton Rouge, Loui 


You must feel honored that one of the 

most beautiful and talented women in 

movies posed for you. Daryl Hannah's 
pictorial is breathtaking. 

Roger Nelson 

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania 


DRUG MYTHS DEBUNKED 
Stephan Talty misidentifies the U.S. 
Army base at which troops were given 
LSD (The Straight Dope, November). 
He says the experiments were con- 
ducted at the Aberdeen Proving 
Ground in Maryland. The tests actual- 
ly occurred 12 miles away, at the Edge- 
wood Arsenal, now known as the 
Edgewood Arca of the Aberdeen Prov- 
ing Ground. When I was a child I lived 
near there. Many times I observed the 
troops as they ran the obstacle course. 
I remember thinking how odd it was 
that trained sol couldn't execute 
simple maneuvers. On weekends my 
friends and І would run the obstacle 
course just to prove that we could do 
some things the GIs couldn't. 
John Сапове 
Durham, North Carolina 


FETCHING FOREIGNERS. 
How could you not include Sabrina 
Sabrok, who was featured in the July 
issue of PLAYBOY's Mexican edition, in 
World-Class Beauties (November)? You 
need a better spotter south of the border. 
Steven Moore 

Ann Arbor, Michigan 

And fire the Taco Bell Chihuahua? Never! 


‘Thanks for the picture of Nike Zalokar. 
My family comes from Slovenia, and 


The best sights overseos. 


I had no idea such beautiful women 
lived there. 
Jason Zupancic 
Iron River, Michigan 
Your mom might consider that an insult. 


Brazil's Thaís Ventura is absolutely 
stunning. І never would have thought 


FE A YS 8:0 Y 


16 


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To order by mall, please send check or money 
order to: PLAYBOY 

Р.О. Box 809 

Source Code 11495 

Itasca, IL 60143-0809. 


Add $7.95 shippin 
order. Illinois reside 
(Canadian order 


indling charge per total 
id 6.75% sales tax, 


800-423-9494 


(Source Code 11495) or 
playboystore. com 
MEER 
=н БЕС y | 


loll-frse number above to 
request a Playboy catalog. 


that a set of braces could look so hot. 
Peter Montoya 
Fremont, California 


FROM A WOMAN WHO HATES US 
I think that PLAYBOY is degrating to 
women. It depicts them as sexual 
objects to be googled at by men. 1 will 
be sure to write about you guys in my 
editorial next week. 
Kristen White 

Atlanta, Georgia 
Grate! Write whatever you want, Just try 
to spell our name correctly. 


THE DIVINITY OF DIVINI RAE 
Playmate Divini Rae (November) isn't 
just beautiful. She's intelligent and 
well-spoken, too. My birthday is in No- 
vember. Thanks for the great present. 
Colin Roy 
Moore, Oklahoma 
Wait until you see your Valentine's Day gift. 


Photographer Arny Freytag cut off Di- 
vini Rac at the knees too many times. 
When a Playmate has it all, show it all. 
Chopped pictures are a turnoff. 
Robert Davies 
Oshkosh, Wisconsin 
Don't blame Arny. Blame the censor who 
thought Divini's ankles were too hot to 
show off. 


WAL-MART'S EVIL EMPIRE 
Alice is the perfect representative of 
Wal-Mart employees: middle-aged. 
overweight females with fluffy hairdos 
who waddle around the store in a daze 
(God and Satan in Bentonville, Novem- 
ber). They actually believe that Wal- 
Mart cares about them. 
Chris Christensen 
Los Angeles, California 


I used to work at Wal-Mart. The anti- 

union video 1 had to watch was longer 
than the safety video. 

Jeffrey Wilson 

Bakersfield, California 


Many people, including your writer 
Dan Baum, don't realize that Wal-Mart 
donates thousands of dollars of mer- 
chandise to schools, clubs and churches. 
"The company also awards scholarships 
and donates cash to civic organizations. 
Nan Chase 

Boone, North Carolina 


As a satanist I think it's great that Wal- 

Mart has deceived as many Christians 

as it has. God's favorite company sells 

books by Anton LaVey, the founder of 
the Church of Satan. 

Wylie Hnat 

Iowa City, Iowa 


Dan Baum says Bentonville is “one of 
the least accessible places in the United 


States." But Bentonville's airport of- 
fers nonstop jet service to New York, 
Chicago and Los Angeles. Nor does 
Bentonville have only a "strip mall 
motel." The immediate area has a 
number of three-star hotels. The resi- 
dents of northwest Arkansas don't 
mind having to travel to walk in a gay 
pride celebration or a million-man 
march. They can be back in a real 
hometown the same night. 
John Adams 
Springdale, Arkansas 


1 didn't mind when Wal-Mart was 
Opening stores in towns with popula- 
tions of 30,000 or more. But when 
they open stores in towns with fewer 
than 10,000 people, they kill off all 
the mom-and-pop shops. 


Jim Ross 
De Fere, Wisconsin 


Wal-Mart's birthplace. 


My wife recently had a job interview at 
Wal-Mart. She was given a written test 
about her morals. Questions included 
“Do you think that low wages justify 
minor theft?" and "Do you think it's 
acceptable to go on a break and come 
back high?" They offered her a position 
for 28 hours a week on a totally unde- 
fined schedule. Then they told her the 
salary: $5.65 an hour with a “chance” 
of a four percent raise. This store is 
justa few weeks shy ofits first anniver- 
sary, and already there is talk in town of 
the local grocery store, bookstore and 
hardware store going out of business. 
Many say that anyone who doesn't like 
Wal-Mart can shop elsewhere. It's a 
fatuous argument, because Wal-Mart 
is eliminating all “elsewheres.” 
Name withheld 
Ocala, Florida 


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babe of the month 


Shannon 
Malone 


We're not the only ones 
lining up to meet this beauty 


hannon Malone has a knack for 

putting people at ease, so she's a 
natural to work the celebrity throng 
as hostess of Showtime's The Red 
Carpet. "People feel comfortable be- 
cause | like joking around," she says. 
We're guessing it's not her conversa- 
tional skills alone that keep guys com- 
ing back for more—she received more 
fan mail than anyone else in FX his- 
tory during her two-year run on the 
cabler's guy-centric The X Show. “1 
liked doing the motorcycle segments 
because they'd dress me in tight 


"| liked doing the 
motorcycle segments 
because they'd dress me 
in tight leather pants." 


leather pants." Shannon tries to reply 
to everyone who writes her through 
her website, Shannonmalone.com, 
especially those who appreciate her 
popular pinup posters. "One Marine 
e-mailed to thank me because he was 
in the middle of the desert and his 
bunkmate had my poster," she says. 
Out in the 3-D world Shannon typi- 
cally has long-term boyfriends...until 
they screw up. "My ex's head got a 
little big when he thought he was a 
rock star and cheated on me," she 
says. "I'm dating around, but nothing 
too serious.” So for now Shanno: 
fine-tuning her acting chops by study- 
ing her past performances. "Laughter 
is the key to staying young," she says. 
"And if you can't laugh at yourself, 
you're probably miserable." 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY JAMES CREIGHTON 


Are You Experienced? 


My perfect experience was qualifying for the 125 SuperCross at the LA Colliseum in 
1998. Nothing like 50,000 fans as you enter the course. And JVC makes those perfect 
experiences even better because | can keep my music with me, record my adventures 
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afterhours | 


IT'S FEBRUARY AND... 


... you know that the 
time to hit Mardi Gras is 
a week before the Fat 
Tuesday insanity. Good 
parades are already 
rolling, you can still find 
a fried oyster po'boy 
(and a clean toilet) in 
the French Quarter, and 
yes, gals are already 
trading bare boobs for 
cheap beads. 


...you're taking the elevator. But contestants in 
the 27th Fleet Empire State Building Run-Up 
on February 4 sure aren't. It's a grueling race 
up 86 flights—that's 1,576 steps. Australian 
Paul Crake has won the event five consecu- 
tive times, finishing last year in—crikey!—a 
vertigo-inducing nine minutes and 33 seconds. 


... you'd like to go sledding. Eighty bucks 
will get you a top-of-the-line Flexible Flyer— 
but for just $45,000, Zero Error Bobsled 
will build you a four-man cruiser capable of 
hitting 90 mph. Shivering Jamaican crew 
and 1,500-meter track not included. 


...you're filling out your Oscar-pool ballot with 
authority. Actor, director, sound achievement 
in a short film— you're picking "ет all. On 
February 29, when the ceremony is finally 
over, you'll be walking away with a huge wad 
of cash. Next month you might even see a 
couple of the movies. 


... you're glad you're 
not the Naked Man of 
Inazawa, the poor slob 
who will be chased, 
pummeled and generally 
abused by 9,000 Japan- 
ese men on February 
17. It's a Shinto thing. 
Touching the guy deliv- 
ers a year of good 
luck—and there's noth- 
ing wrong with that. 


MOUNTAIN OF MUHAMMAD 
A MAMMOTH BOOK TRIBUTE TO THE GREATEST OF ALL TIME 


And in this corner, weighing in at 75 pounds and 792 pages, the 
new heavyweight champ of oversize art books—GOAT: A Tribute to 
Muhammad Ali. While the past few years have seen many Ali- 
retrospective contenders, none has covered the iconic pugilist in 
such depth—literally. Between its pizza-box-size leather covers 
GOAT packs more than 3,000 photos, as well as essays by Norman 
Mailer, George Plimpton and Tom Wolfe, among others. “Sports 
books usually look cheap, and they're made for dummies,” says 
publisher Benedikt Taschen. “So we tried to make ours substan- 
tially different. For two decades this man was covered by more writ- 
crs and photographers than any other person on earth.” GOAT is 
the acronym for one of Ali's favorite self-proclaimed titles: Greatest 
of All Time. “When Ali first saw it he was emotionally taken,” says 
Taschen. “Не said to me, 1 didn't know that I was so great." The 
limited-edition slugfest doesn’t come cheap: The 9,000 copies Ali 
has signed sell for $3,000 each, while the 1,000-сору "Champ's 
Edition,” which includes a mystery sculpture by artist Jeff Koons, 
commands $7,500. Taschen is currently taking orders online 
(www.taschen.com) for spring delivery. We're told that GOAT and 
former titleholder SUMO (Taschen's 66-pound Helmut Newton 
folio) aren't part of a series of ridiculously large art books. Like 
others who've stepped into the ring with Ali, Taschen is feeling a bit 
battered: “It was rewarding but exhausting. I won't do this again.” 


LIQUID SMOKE 


CIGARETTE BANS BE DAMNED! THE NICOTINI FIGHTS B. 


With New York City's smoking ban in full 
effect, the owner of downtown lounge 
Suba has invented a way for patrons to 
enjoy the rush of cigarettes without 
freezing their butts off outside. It's called 
the nicotini, made with Stoli Vanil, 
Kahlüa, dashes of Tabasco and pepper, 
and a special ingredient—tobacco tea 
(brewed from tobacco leaves and water). 
It tastes good, feels better. The only 
catch? Nobody will let you bum one. 


21 


afterhours 


ler comfort 


| employee of the month 


CON EDISONS 
HOW TO MAKE YOUR CELL BLOCK FEEL LIKE HOME 


If necessity is the mother of invention, prison is the mother of ne- 
cessity. It turns out that maximum-security MacGyvers rig appli- 
ances using toothbrushes, razors and access to the all-important 
electric socket. Don't try these at home—wait till you get five to 10. 
* Stinger: А cell essential—an immersion heater used to boil water. 
"The plug is fashioned from a double-blade safety razor, or even two 
paper clips, lashed to an eraser. A scrap of headphone wire leads 
from the plug to a heating element (more razor blades, separated by 
a strip of plastic). Stick the element in water and you're ready to boil. 
Be sure to unplug the thing before pulling it out of the water; that 
ns the chance of an explosion—and of waking up the warden 
ack gun: This primitive tattoo machine is an engineering mar- 
vel. The needle, a sharp piece of wire, is housed іп the shaft of a Bic 
pen. A piston rod made from a bent paper clip operates the needle, 
thanks to the rotary action of a cassette Walkman motor. It's the last 
thing you see before waking up to read JAKE'S BITCH on your ass. 

* Cigarette lighter: A lot of higher thought in prison involves cigs, 
and where there are smokes, there's need for fire. The handle of a 
disposable razor, rigged with paper clips, plugs into the wall. Wires, 
attached to the clips, descend into a glass filled with a water-and- 
salt solution. Above the contraption, the wires meet in a coil, which 
gets hot enough to spark a butt. It ain't portable, but it works. 


Blueprints for all of the above appear in the book Prisoners! Inventions, available at temporaryservices.org, 


TRIGGER HAPPY 


HEY, KIDDIES—STEP RIGHT UP AND SHOOT THE FREAK! 
New York City's Coney š "Yd 
Island has a tradition of tH 
bizarre sideshow acts, but - 
lately crowds have started 
pulling guns on the freaks. 
As a carny in Road Warrior 
gear runs through a dank 
alley, paying customers 
blast him with high-speed 
paint balls—and unlike tin 
ducks, he convulses satis- 
fyingly when hit. Now 
where's that bearded lady? 


SUNNY SIDE UP 


ARIZONA SALES REP SHANELLE STEELE 
SCRAMBLES HER CLIENTS' BRAINS 


PLAYBOY: Tell us about your job. 


SHANELLE: | work for North American Stainless, 
which sells stainless steel products to the food indus- 
try. We're best known in the egg business—our ma- 
chines crack the egg and sep- 
arate the yolk from the white. 
PLAYBOY: What's the great- 
est asset you bring to the job? 
SHANELLE: | bring mystery. 
When people meet me they 
don't know if I'm a good girl ог 
a bad girl. l've walked into a 
plant and had 50 workers 
stop what they're doing. | 
havea custorner who asks me 
to wear overalls, because other- 
wise he loses 10 minutes of 
production. | cannot walk in 
there in my tight slacks. 

PLAYBOY: What about after the whistle blows? 


SHANELLE: Then 1 let my hair down. Sometimes my 
close girlfriends and | have pajama parties. We'll 
dress up, drink wine and play games. | like dressing. 
up like a maid or a nurse. Once | went as a cowgirl— 
chaps with a G-string, a bra and a choker. We do 
Stripteases for each other, but that's as far as it goes. 


‘ment, Attn; Employee of the Month, 680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, linois 
60611. Must be at least 18 years old. Must send photocopies of a driver's icense 


Employee of the Month candidates: Send pictures to rueoy Photography Depart 
‚and ancther valid ID (not a credit card), one of which must include a current photo. | 


©2002 Anheuser-Busch, Inc, Месе Beer, t Lous. MO 
WWWMICHELOB COM 


[ afterhours 


BLIND HER WITH SCIENCE, PART II 


ENHANCE YOUR POWERS OF PERSUASION WITH FACTS 
Science can cure disease, split the atom and explore the cosmos. 
Or it can help us get laid. Just work these undeniable medical 
realities into your rap and she'll want to play doctor in no time. 

Hypothesis: Blow jobs whiten teeth. 
Proof: Not only do people tend to 
brush their choppers before and af- 
ter sex, but male ejaculate contains 
zinc and calcium, which work 
much like fluoride in preventing 
cavities. Naturally it's best if she 
doesn't spit nature’s mouthwash 
into the sink. Tip: You'll sound 
more authoritative if you refer to it 
as seminal plasma, not man jam. 


Hypothesis: Intercourse makes her happy. Proof: According 
to researchers at SUNY Albany, women who abstain from 
sex are more likely to suffer from depression. A bonus 
point; Wearing condoms eliminates the joy-juice effect. 
Scientists speculate that semen may contain hormones 
(including prostaglandin El) that have mood-elevating 
effects on females, thus making unsheathed sex essential. 
And that should cheer up at least one of you. 


Hypothesis: Implants will make her 
even happier. Proof: A professor at 
Florida State University recently 
analyzed mounds of data on the 
suicide rates of women with breast 
implants. Given the demograph- 
ics and lifestyle of the fake-boob 
set, women with enhancements 
should have suicide rates of three 
times the general population— 
but they don't! Higher self-esteem 
probably helps explain the anom- 
aly. Not to mention bigger tips 
down at the strip club. 


Hypothesis: An orgasm is the cure for PMS. Proof: Scientists, 
at least, know what goes on inside a woman's head: Prior to 
orgasm, levels of the hormone oxytocin surge by a factor of 
five. The oxytocin triggers a flood of endorphins, which 
numb the pain of arthritis and headaches (even mi- 
graines). Researchers at Johns Hopkins Medical Center 
found that students who even fantasized about sex had 
twice the pain tolerance of control groups. Women also 
benefit from a spike in estrogen, a noted PMS pain reliev- 
er, after sex. But first, the inoculation... 


Hypothesis: Sex will give her a better body. Proof: It's exercise! 
Fact is, 30 minutes of conjoined aerobics will consume 200 
calories: the same as a light 15-minute jog. (Standing will give 
you both a lift, and you'll approach 
maximum burn.) It's healthy! Dur- 
ing sex her pulse rate vill rise from. 
770 beats a minute to 150 (if you do 
it right). It's toning! Dr. Claire Bai- 
ley of the University of Bristol says 
that women will have toned tum- 
mies and better posture if they 
engage regularly in sex—with 
you as Thighmaster, of course. 


bubblin' crude 


EP w 


pa 


HILLBILLY JACKPOT 
STRIKE IT RICH AT THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES CASINO 


If they can turn musty old sitcoms into movi 
turn one into a gambling mecca? Max Baer Jr., 
Bodine of The Beverly Hillbillies, has a dream, and it's called 
Jethro's Beverly Hillbillies Mansion & Casino. “No other 
show lends itself to gaming like The Beverly Hillbillies,” 
‘Jethro—er, Baer—now 66, says. “The show is about going 
from rags to riches.” Baer, who got the license from CBS, 
has had the idea for 15 years, and his latest prospect fit- 
tingly lies in a shuttered Wal-Mart in sleepy Carson City, 
Nevada. It'll take $55 million, he figures, to turn the bland 
space into a replica of the Clampetts TV palace. Guests will 
dine at Jethro's All You-Ken-Et Buffet (which rhymes, by the 
way) or at Drysdale’s Fancy Eatin's, swim in the Cement 
Pond, get married at Granny's Shotgun Weddin’ Chapel and 
drink at a bar with 181-proof white lightning flowing from 
a still. And Baer plans to exploit more than lust for nostal- 
gia. “The waitresses will dress like Elly May but be padded 
like Dolly Parton,” he says. Baer expects the casino—and its 
200-foot oil derrick belching the occasional plume of fire—to 
be open come summer. Y'all come back now, ya hear? 


SHIRT HAPPENS 


EVER BLEACH COULDNT GET THIS LAUNDRY CLEAN 
There's more to Tshirthell.com than flogging 100 percent 
cotton tops with slogans sure to offend 99 percent of the 
world. As the most visited T-shirt site on the Internet, the 
company has built a community of those who believe bad 
taste is a fashion statement. It helps that the online catalog 
has cute, bare-bummed customers showcasing tees embla- 
zoned with STOP LOOKING АТ MY Ass and a wet shirt with гм 
CUTE? No SHIT! plastered on a busty young lass. Counting all 
available styles, T-shirt Hell has given us 79 new reasons to 


stare at a woman's chest. Who said reading isn't fun? 


ж. 


per Chaste 


16% 452 Vorher ket une awa 


sity undergrads surveyed said they had 


pledged to remain celibate until marriage. Hasta la Visa Card 


39% of them claimed that they 
managed to keep the pledge. 
55% of the chaste few admitted to 
having oral sex. 


Black Gold 


Milliliter for milliliter, ink-jet printer ink is seven times 
as expensive as Dom Perignon 1985. To fill the gas 
tank of the average car with ink would cost about 


$175,000 


Praise the Lawyers 

Sixteen years ago 165,000 people joined a class 
action suit against Jim Bakker to recover the $1,000 
each of them had contributed to the Christian resort 
the disgraced PTL evangelist never built. A recent set- 


tlement awarded each plaintiff $ 6 5 4 
н 


Personal expenses of budget- 
balancing, antispending California 
governor Arnold Schwarzenegger: 


Each pair of his 


Roll Call 


Drivers who ++. Who stop іп 


stop properly at the crosswalk or $3 000 
, 


stop signs intersection 


200. George W. Benns 
201. A.A. Van Petten 
202. Stanley Lock 
203. Nathan J. Averick 


Pasquale loafers: 


$5,000 


Custom-tailored Giacomo suit: 
Heads Up! 

The world's largest 

bobblehead doll is an 

11-foot-tall 

likeness of game-show 

legend Chuck Woolery. 


Haircut by stylist 
Stephen Knoll: 


$5,500 һ 


Kites of Mass 
Destruction 


In the first six months of 2003 


people died in " me 
/ | 5 Lahore, Pakistan NES 
in accidents in- = кейі: 
volving “combat” Greased Hog 


kites armed with razor-sharp string. 
= To celebrate the 100th birthday of 
Harley-Davidson, a sculptor carved 


300 pounds of butter 
into a full-scale replica of a Harley V-Rod. 


To get on the ballot all you have to do is pay $1,000. Poorest uses of a grand: 


In 1983 the state dropped a requirement that presidential AE Š 
hopefuls collect 500 signatures to run in the primary. е 
199. Richard Reber 1992, Republican 14 votes X £ 


1992, Democrat 12 votes Е 

1988, Democrat 10 votes Human Stains 

1988, Democrat 9 votes О/ of people who get a tattoo 
1992, Democrat 7 votes 1 7 Yo end up regretting it. 


25 


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“So are any of the other 
Angels gonna drop by?" 


50 FIRST DATES 


Sandler and Barrymore reteam tor 
a Valentine's Day worth remembering 


Hollywood throws us guys a bone once in a while. Instead 
of Valentine's Day movie choices that Include some warm, 
fuzzy Hugh Grant glop, this year we get Adam Sandler as 
a veterinarian forced to woo Drew Barrymore again and 
again because of her acute short-term memory loss. With 
its Groundhog Day-ish premise and Wedding Singer 
co-sters, what we have here is a romantic comedy we 
wouldn't mind being caught dead at. Says Barrymore, "I 
like that this movie works for men and women, because 
it'S herd to pull off something thoughtful that's also out- 
right fucking funny." No kidding. Barrymore says that the 
film's key is its goofy, touching 

characters. "I identified with “It's hard to pull 
playing someone who's emo: 


tionally available but, because off thoughtful 
of her disability, acts different and outright 


on different days," she says. с 
“There's so much humor bal. fucking funny." 


anced with my character being 

upset and real. One of the most beautiful things in life is 
that you can be inconsistent, right?” But one constant 15 
her jones for Sandler. "If we work well together, one reason 
is that he makes me laugh,” Barrymore says. "There's noth: 
ing to force, because | just enjoy him, and that must show. 
Going to work is a chance to show how much I love him." 
Aw, we're feeling warm and fuzzy already. (February 13) 


Along Came Polly 


ston, Di 


S g) Stiller plays an 
inhibited insurance company risk analyst who makes a big 
play for Aniston, a thrill-seeking former schoolmate he hasn't 
seen in years. Zanily sweet romance, blind-ferret jokes and 
overflowing bathroom humor ensue. 


Our call: There's something 
about Polly. Despite its striking 
similarity to a certain other 
Stiller-in-love comedy, if you're 
looking for cheap laughs, this 
isn't much of a risk. 


Barbershop 2 ў 


е Beauvais, е iner) Nothing's 
nged much at the Chicago clip joint run by Calvin (Ice Cube) 
and the gang that couldn't cut straight. Expect tales about the 
old hood and more of Cedric's scene-stealing barber with the 
Don King do. Eighty-six those Rosa Parks jokes, though. 


Our call: The first installment 
was a cut above average, but а 
quickie sequel sounds as if the 
Barbershop franchise is just a 
trim away from an inevitable 
TV series incarnation. 


The Butterfly Effect 
ic Stoltz) This heavy sci-fi 


thriller sends college guy Kutcher time-tripping back fo erase 
his childhood traumas and save the love of his life (Smart) 
from an ugly fate. Trouble is, every little tweak of his past 
creates a ripple that screws with his future. 


Our call: Dude, where's my ex- 
istential crisis? Unless Kutcher 
can pull off the dramatic twists, 
he's going to wish he could go 
back in time and make My 
Boss's Daughter 2 instead 


Welcome to Mooseport 


етеу) When a former 
i r mayor of a New England 
town, hardware store owner Romano decides to run against 
him. Hackman opens up a bag of dirty tricks, and war erupts 
quicker than you can say "Neighbors meets What About Bob?" 


Our call: Moose might have 
juice. Everybody loves Romano 
and Hackman, so it'd be nice if 
their election-year satire of 
small-town politics didn't land 
us knee-deep in moose crap. 


27 


28 


reviews | movies 


[ REVIEWS 


Those who suffered through two min- 
utes of Beyond Borders must have 
wondered if the critic who declared 
the soggy Angelina Jolie melodrama 
“the quintessential romance for the 
new millennium" had even watched 
the same movie. But they shouldn't 
feel too bad—we've all been burned 
by critics who seem to have more vari- 
ations on the word mesmerizing than 
they have credibility. If we didn't know 
better, we'd suspect that David Man- 
ning was back on the case. In 2001 
Manning, film critic for Connecticuts 
Ridgetield Press, became famous for 
never seeing a Sony movie he didn't 
like, calling Heath Ledger in A Knight's 
Tale "the year's hottest star" and de- 
claring Rob Schneider's The Animal 
"another winner." When Newsweek ex- 
posed Manning as nonexistent, a red- 
faced Sony admitted that the gushing 
critic had been invented by a market- 
ing department flunky. 

Exit the fake critic; enter the junket 
whore. Junket whores are real journal 
ists inclined to dispense quotable re- 
views in exchange for being wined 
and dined by movie studios at lavish 
press-event getaways. "Why invent а 
critic when there is no movie for 
which you can't get good quotes from 
people who live to be quoted?" 
laments Richard Roeper, Chicago 
Sun-Times film critic and co-host 
of Ebert & Roeper. "It sometimes 
seems that these quotes are 5рооп- 
fed by studio publicists, like, ‘Would 
you say "Run, don't walk" about Ra- 
dio? Or “Beyond Borders is beyond 
Oscar?"' And the critic says, 'Sure 


art house 


When it comes to some critics' gushy blurbs, we've all been punk'd 


prore n= рр 


FOR RENT ] 


1 would.’ It cheapens the whole critical 
process." Hey, it makes the regular 
ticket-buying public feel pretty cheap, 
too, which is why many of us are 
smartening up. Advises Roeper, "If the 
only quotes in the ad are from known 
shameless critics, people learn that 
means everybody else must have 


pears 10 times larger then the name 
of the person giving the quote, or if 
you can't read the critic’s name with a 
microscope, that's a bad, bad movie. 
Also not a good sign is when you're 
not sure if the person giving the 
quote is from a newspaper, a local 
television station or some odd-sound- 
ing source like Wireless Magazines, 
whatever that is." 

Here's an even simpler warning sign: 
Larry King loved it. —Stephen Rebello 


Monster 
Charlize Theron smacks 
herself with an ugly stick 
to play Aileen Wuornos, a 
Florida hooker executed in 
2002 for killing her johns. 
Monster owes more to 
Boys Don't Cry than Psy- 
cho. The emphasis is on 
how Wuornos was driven 
by her love for a nerdy les: 
bian (Christina Ricci), and 
their relationship is depict 
ed with a sensitivity that 
rises above true-crime 
clichés.—Andrew Johnston 


CALENDAR GIRLS Helen Mirren and 
Julie Walters head a cast of British actresses 
in a film based on the true story of middle- 
aged club women who pose nude to raise 
funds for a hospital. The plot is paper thin, 


but the stars are delightful. yx 


William H. Macy stars as a 
loser who spreads bad luck for a living, 
working for casino boss Alec Baldwin. His 
luck changes when he hooks up with Maria 
Bello. This smart film derails toward the 
end but has great performances. vv 


THE FOG OF WAR Documentary filmmak- 
er Errol Morris chronicles the life of Secretary 
of Defense Robert McNamara, who served 
under JFK and LBJ and proves to be a feisty, 
fascinating interviewee. Reliving the Vietnam 
era makes this film a powerhouse. ҰҰҰУ 


GIRL WITH A PEARL EA Scarlett 
Johansson follows Lost in Translation with 
another beguiling performance, as a ser- 
vant who attracts the painter Vermeer- 
much to his wife’s displeasure. An exquisite 
rendering of Tracy Chevalier's novel. YYY% 


GIRI 


IN AMERICA Irish writer-director Jim Sheri- 
dan (My Left Foot) tells the story of a family's 
arrival in New York City and its struggle to 
survive under the cloud of a child's death. 
An unsentimental drama starring Samantha 
Morton and Paddy Considine. yyy 


112 45112127 More than a dozen 
characters, from a schoolboy to the prime 
minister (Hugh Grant), look for romance in 
London. The writer of Four Weddings and a 
Funeral and Notting Hill steps behind the 
camera to pull their strings. It's not perfect, 
but still enjoyable, actually. yyy 


MONA LISA SMILE Julia Roberts has an 
ideal role as a teacher who confronts small- 
mindedness. The rest is so heavy-handed— 
including the portrayals of her students 
(Kirsten Dunst, Julia Stiles, Maggie Gyllen- 
haal)—that it capsizes a promising story. YY 


121: Alongside Benicio Del Того 


| and Naomi Watts, Sean Penn proves again 


that he's one of the greatest actors alive in 


this provocative film from the director of 


Amores Perros. The story of three lives that 
intertwine through fate and drugs is told in 


| nonlinear, jigsaw-puzzle fashion. КЕРІ 
Don't miss Worth a look 
Good show Forget 


reviews 


dvds 


riching. Bill Murray uses every 
pockmark on his woeful face to 
terrific effect as the drained 
actor in Tokyo for a quick-buck 
liquor ad. Scarlett Johansson, 
who caught our eye in Ghost 
World, is utterly convincing as 
the girl who develops en unlike- 
ly crush on him. We should all 
be so lucky. Sparks don't fly as 
much as they glow, and the 
pair's mutual need for each 
other outweighs the lust. Then 
again, who really wants to see 
Murray in a steamy sex scene? 
Extras: deleted scenes and a 
behind-the-scenes featurette 
about the making of the film in 
Tokyo. www  —Buzz McClain 


[ LOST IN TRANSLATION ] 


Bill lI Murray i is the best thing to hit Tokyo since Godzilla 


The scenerio is ripe for illicit sex: A famous actor is stranded in a foreign hotel with a 
wistful young woman whose husband neglects her. In most movies the two would be 
doing the dirty in the lobby fountain by the second act, but writer and director Sofia 
Coppola has something else in mind in this quirky indie hit, end the experience is en- 


AMERICAN WEDDING (2003) From a 
proposal scene spiced with public fellatio 
to pubic-hair-spiked cake, Wedding ca- 
reens raunchily down paths worn raw by 
the first tvo American Pie flicks. Jason 
Biggs and Alyson Hannigan are the happy 
couple, but Seann William Scott's Stifler 
still scores the big laughs. Extras: Fans of 
Playmate Nikki Schieler Ziering need the 
unrated edition, 
which extends 
her sexy scenes 
and offers “Enter 
the Dominatrix: 
Inside the Bache- 
lor Party." yy 

— Gregory P. Fagan 


FREDDY VS. JASON (2003) Horrorphiles 
have been clamoring for this rumble on Elm. 
Street for years. They're rewarded with a 


dy (again played by a revved-up Robert 
Englund) rip each other to ribbons, though 
some members of the young cast don't 
seem to share their enthusiasm. Extras: 
deleted scenes, including the original open- 
ing and ending; 
a making-of fea- 
turette; and a cool 
“Jump to a Death" 
menu option that 
literally cuts to 
the chase. vy. 

—Robert B. DeSalvo 


gorehound's red dream as Jason and Fred- | 


ONCE UPON A TIME IN MEXICO (2003) 
The last of director Robert Rodriguez's Е/ 
Mariachi trilogy finds guitar-strumming 
vigilante Antonio Banderas recruited by 
the CIA—in the form of Johnny Depp—to 
assassinate an assassin. Meanwhile El 
Mariach/'s brain is flooded with memories 
of his knife-throwing bride, Salma Hayek. 
Enjoy the bullet-riddled action, but please 
don't expect co- 
herence. Excesos: 
а CD-ROM game, 
commentary, 
deleted scenes 
and a making-of 
featurette. yy 
В.М. 


AMERICAN SPLENDOR (2003) File clerk 
and pop-culture oddity Harvey Pekar 
(played by both Paul Giamatti and the 
real Pekar) gains 15 more minutes of 
fame in this art house curio. Documen- 
tery, dramatization and animation merge 
into a surreal biopic of a self-Ioathing los- 
er who becomes a comic-book protago- 
nist and Letterman regular. As original as 
Pekar is ordinary. __ - 

Extras: commen- 
tary by directors 
Shari Springer 
Berman and 
Robert Pulcini, 
and Easter eggs. 
we --В.М. 


ГІНЕ JEDI DIRECTS | 


Mark Hamill's mockumentary, 
Comic Book: The Movie, is on DVD 
this month. Did he use the Force? 


»: What inspired this movie? 
наміш:: The first fake documentary | ever 
saw, Take the Money and Run. Тһе Rut- 
les inspired me. Spinal Tap. Not to run 
afoul of the lawyers, | had to come up 
with my own versions of Superman, Cap- 
tain Marvel, Batman, Kevin Smith talks 
about writing a Commander Courage 
movie, but he's really talking 

about writing the Super- b 
man film. We satirize 
Hollywood from the 
standpoint of a layper- 
son, not an insider. 


pLaygor: Why set 


it at a real com- 
ic-book conven- 


tion in m Diego is a 
half-billion-dollar set with 
real, authentic people. 
The movie would have 
worked as a straight 
documentary, but we 
use the convention as a 
backdrop to our story 
line. It's a genuine examina- 
tion of why I'm enamored 
of something | should have 
outgrown when | was 12. 


PLAYBOY: Hef has a cameo. 
Should he keep his day job? 
HAMILL: It's always a pleasure 

to meet icons and get to 

know a dimension of them. 
that you never knew. To be 
able to finally do something 
with him is a thrill. He plays 
himself, so we didn't need an. 
audition. — —Robert Crane 


Jedi mime tricks. 


Stanley Kubrick captured many won- 
drous images, not the least of which was 
a naked Nicole Kidman in Eyes Wide 
Shut (1999), Apparently cornfortable in 
the hands of the esteemed director, 
Nicole seems re- 
markably unself- 
conscious. Given 
her subsequent 
ascent to the top. 
ranks of Holly- 
Wood actresses, 
we might never. 
see her this way 
again. We'll keep. 


28 


30 


reviews [ music 


cd oft 


month 


[ STEREOLAB * MARGERINE ECLIPSE ] 


Space-age bachelor pad music lifts off again 


It's easy to forget that Stereolab played 
Lollapalooza a decade ago. A quick 
scan of the music scene reveals few 
groups from the early 19905 still mak- 
ing vital music (hell, festival progenitor 
Jane's Addiction has retired twice). But 
on its ninth album Stereolab sounds 
every bit as fresh and enjoyable as it 
did then. In fact, the group—now a five- 
piece led, as ever, by chanteuse Laeti- 


tia Sadier and multrinstrumentalist Tim 
Gane—4s better than ever, hitching its 
bubbly melodies to arrangements that 
draw from a decade's worth of sonic 
know-how. Some songs here buzz along 
like the band's early guitar-and-organ- 
based drone-pop; others are more play- 
ful, built atop the gurgling electronics 
and syncopation of more recent albums. 
Nobody else melds martini music and 
seduction sounds as effectively. This 
CD could be your late-night secret in- 
gredient. (Elektra) УУУУ Tim Mohr 


CHICAGO UNDERGROUND TRIO * Slon 
Every quarter century or so jazz is de- 
clared dead. Then something comes 
along to revive it. As this experimental 
trio demonstrates on its third release, 
jazz is now drawing tremendous inspira- 
tion from laptop music. Rob Mazurek's 
cornet playing matures with every outing, 
but the real wonder here is how he mix- 
es electronic and 

acoustic music to 

such exquisite ef- 

fect. If you think 

jazz is boring, plug. 

in to this. (Thrill. 

Jockey) ¥¥¥ 

—Leopold Froehlich 


AIR + Talkie Walkie 
Air's 1998 debut, Moon Safari—which 
melds synth-neavy soft rock and electronic 
downbeat—made the French duo after- 
hours sensations, landed them sound- 
track duty on The Virgin Suicides and 
inspired a host of imitators. Now the orig- 
inators offer a new slice of hush-hop. This 
lime they drop the pointless experimen- 
tation of 20,000 = 
Hz Legend and eas 
make a strong, P 

and coherent, re- 
turn to form. А 
perfect chill pill. 
(Astralwerks) 
yyy ТМ. 


gem 
p 


PHANTOM PLANET * Phantom Planet 
This quintet is known for two things: the 
anthemic song "California" (now Тһе 
0.C.’s theme) and Rushmore actor Jason 
Schwartzman, who until recently was the 
drummer (no scandal—he left amicably to 
concentrate on films). But there's always 
been much more to Planet than harmonies, 
hand claps and the aforementioned. 
With this third go- 
round, the band 
captures the dark 
guitar grit that live 
audiences have 
known about for 
years. (Epic) ¥¥¥ 
—Alison Prato 


STARSAILOR + Silence Is Easy 

For a band that has been slighted as a 
Coldplay understudy, Starsailor has 
some nerve. Phil Spector picked it to be 
his first project in more than 20 years, 
but after suffering the producer's leg- 
endary mood swings the band self-pro- 
duced its sophomore album and ditched 
all but two Spector tracks. The result is 


urgent Brit-rock 
that draws com- -t + + 
=== 


parisons to Cold- 
play and Travis 
while maintaining 
its own identity. 
(Capitol) xy 

—Jason Buhrmester 


[ REBEL YEAHS ] 


Karen O, Nick Zinner and Brian 
Chase—the Yeah Yeah Yeahs—have 
been riding such a formidable wave 
of acclaim that, if they weren't such 
badasses, it could have wiped them 
out big kahuna-style. Instead they 
lived up to the hype by putting out 
a great record and mowing down 
fans with their sweaty live shows. 
They called from the studio where 
they're recording their next album. 


PLAYBOY: Your music is dripping with 
raw, sexual sounds and themes. 15 sex 
your muse? 

KAREN O: The songs "Bang" and “Art 
Star” are odes to sex. When we started 
the band we drew on the stereotypical 


genres in rock and roll—sex and vio- 
lence—as an experiment. It was tongue- 
in-cheek. People lash out more to songs 
about sex, drugs and rock and roll. 
PLAYBOY: Are you the sex vixen you play 
onstage? 

KAREN O: That comes out when I'm 
around a beat and a sexy riff. Normally 
I'm low-key. But after a few drinks... 
PLAYBOY: What's your poison? 

KAREN о: | like alcohol that makes you 
giddy and silly, not whiskey or beer. It 
used to be tequila—specifically double- 
right after 

just a couple 
bottles of champagne before | go on. 
PLAYBOY: How's the groupie situation? 
In other words, do the YYYs need a 
steady supply of K-Y? 

KAREN о: Nick definitely gets a fair 
share of groupies, but he gets a differ- 
ent kind of groupie than Brian does. 
Brian gets girls who want to marry him 
and have his children. Nick gets girls 
who just want to get down to business. 
PLAYBOY: And you? 

KAREN 0: | do have a lot of lady fans. 
They squeal and pull their hair out like 
I'm Elvis or something. —Barrett Schultz 


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YOU GOTTA HAVE THE PROOF. 


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Uncompromising people drink responsibly. 


32 


reviews[ games 


ridiculously simple: Use the left 
thumbstick to move; use the right 
thumbstick to deliver a kick in the 
chest or a fist in the face. Dead or 
Alive devotees might scream 
"Hong Kong phooey" at this level 
of simplicity, but we liked it—espe- 
cially when surrounded by a 
swarm of foes. Created in collabo- 
ration with martial arts star Jet Li, 
Honor is modeled after Hong 
Kong action flicks, and there's 
the rub: This isn't a game you re- 
play ad infinitum; it's a story you 
experience. When you finish, you 
may stick it on the shelf and never 
touch it again, like a good book. 
But that doesn't mean it's not a fun 
read. YY YA —Josh Robertson 


| RISE TO HONOR | 


Jet Li gets digitized to deliver a Hong Kong beatdown 


The dark alleyways and seedy wharves of Rise to Honor (Sony, PS2) are home turf to 
à stream of thugs, each hungry for a knuckle sandwich and a side of boot salad. As 
hero Kit Yun, you're happy to serve them—and you don't need to memorize a bunch 
of complex button-mashing combos to do so. As action-ighting games go, this one is 


GANGLAND (Whiptail Interactive, PC) 
Think of this strategy game as The Sims 
meets The Sopranos. Playing as one of 
four mobbed-up brothers, you set up 
extortion rackets, run prostitution rings 
end even snuff out rival gangs. You need 
more than a mean streak to survive: Pow- 
er means ducking G-men and recruiting 
muscle to protect your famiglia. Running 
8 criminal empire 
requires making 
decisions—any 
one of which 
could have you 
sleeping with the 
fishes. ¥¥¥ 
—Marc Saltzman 


ONIMUSHA BLADE WARRIORS (Cap- 
com, PS2) The sword-swinging Oni- 
musha action series has all the elements 
for a great fighting-game spin-off. So why 
doesn't this one cut it? As musclebound 
warriors or demonic fiends, four players 
maul one another with blades and 
bombs, but even the special souk-sucking 
ability didn't keep us from feeling drained 
by the repetitious 
play. Considering. 
the series this 
game is based 
on, we expected 
something with 
more edge. YY 
-Scott Steinberg 


THE SUFFERING (Midway, PS2, Xbox, 
GameCube) First the good news: An 
earthquake has sprung you from death 
row. The bad news: It also opened a por- 
tal to hell, filling the prison with demons 
that make the electric chair look like fun. 
The lethalinjection-wielding beastie and 
other gruesome monsters were designed 
by movie F/X guru Stan Winston. Luckily, 
you can trans- 
form into а hulk- 
ing beast when 
the prison yard 
gets too crowd- 
ed. Dead man 
morphing! ¥¥¥ 
John Gaudiosi 


ALIAS (Acclaim, PS2, Xbox, PC) We're 
suckers for that point in nearly every 
episode of the ABC spy drama Alias 
when star Jennifer Garner squeezes into 
а rubbery outfit that's somehow essential 
for completing her CIA mission. So al- 
though this game adaptation's take-down- 
the-arch-criminal plot is trite, the heroine 
looks so much like Garner—skintight 
guises and all— 
that we're ready 
to back her on 
recon missions 
and vicious fire- 
fights from Saudi 
Arabia to Hong 
Kong. УУХ —5.5. 


[ WORD ON THE STREET | 


Denver Broncos tight end and 
NFL Street cover star Shannon 
Sharpe discusses strategy and 
hurting Raiders 


PLAYBOY: What's the story with NFL 
Street (EA, PS2, Xbox, GameCube)? 
SHARPE: It's like the game you played 
when you were growing up. You'd play 
seven on seven instead of 11 on 11. 
And you never played on a football 
field, so the light post was a first down 
and the edge of the basketball court 
was a touchdown. 

PLAYBOY: 15 the NFL Street version of 
Shannon as good as the real Shannon? 
Sharpe: No. I'm always disappointed 
with how they rate me. They give me 
great hands and terrible speed. And | 
fumble a lot in this game, which is not 
а good combination. Plus, I'm slow. 
What's your strategy on 
defense? Coverage or blitz? 

SHARPE: | always blitz. No matter what it 
might be—first and 10, fourth and 
two—it doesn't matter. I'm coming. 
Boy: Is it hard to make 
interceptions that way? 

SH Honestly, | really don't 
care about getting picks when 
I'm playing the video game. 1 
just try to kill people. | try to bust. 
them up. | let them 
catch the ball so | 
can throw 'em into 
the wall. It would. 
be nice if | could. 
injure a player. I'd 
definitely try to get 
their best players. 
That way, when I 
play the Raiders 

1 could take out 
Charlie Garner. 
and Rich Gannon. 
That would be 
тегі пісе. —J.R. 


magev 
$300) Is your gal hinting that she wants 
jewelry this Valentine's Day? Then 

give her the Nokia Imagewear a 
Medallion necklace, a steel сһокег 
that stores up to eight color im- 
ages transferred wirelessly from. 
а compatible mobile phone or 
computer and displays them on 
a backlit screen. Load it up 
with pictures of you to show 
the world that she's yours— 
tell her it's the latest in geek 
chic. Then swear it was just. 
а gag and give her some- 
thing she won't break 
over your thick skull. 


ar Medallion (about 


WHERE AND HDW TO BUY ON PAGE 146 


books 


reviews 


Leonard's early crime novels are master- 
pieces cf decline and decay. Set in 
Detroit, books such as Unknown Man 
No. 89 and 52 Pickup marked the psy- 
chopathology of Motor City life. When 
Leonard set his subsequent novels in Flori- 
da and California, they lost some of their 
brutality. Now, for the first time in 12 
books, America's best crime writer re- 
turns to Detroit for another powerful homi- 
cide tale. Tony Paradiso is an 84-year-old 
lawyer who has a perverse passion for 
University of Michigan cheerleaders. This 
being Detroit, Mr. Paradise dies for his 
sins. His murder is investigated by a wid- 
owed detective who pursues a couple of 
dumb hit men while falling in love with a 
Victoria's Secret model. Mr. Paradise is 
filled with the sort of desperate and weary 
characters that made Leonard's earlier 
Crime novels so plausible. And, as usual, 
no One alive writes better dialogue. A 
great homecoming for Leonard. (William 
Morrow) УУЗУ. —Leopold Froehlich 


Г MR. PARADISE + ELMORE LEONARD | 


The crime-fiction master goes in for a Motown tune-up 


ELMORE 


READ "ЕМ AND WEEP + John Stravinsky 
The 50 million Americans who play poker 
may be surprised to learn that Kenny 
Rogers's “You got to know when to hold 
"ет, know when to fold 'em" isn't the only 
maxim about the game worth remember- 
ing. Stravinsky, who writes widely on gam- 
bling, assembles a full house of short 
stories, novel excerpts, poems and non- 
fiction by the likes of Mark Twain, John 
Updike and David Mamet. We especially 
dig Martin Amis’s breezy essay, which 
begins, “A man can find out a lot about 
himself playing poker. Is 
he brave? Is he cool? 
Does he have any mon- 
ey left?” This isn't a royal 
flush, but some spots 
are amusing enough to 
crack up your poker 
face. (Harper Collins) 
yy —Alison Prato 


ALMOST MIDNIGHT * Michael W. Cuneo 
In 1990 Darrell Mease murdered three 
people. Considering that the deed was 
done in conservative rural Missouri, any- 
one would expect this true tale to end with 
Mease's execution—except Mease. After 
a death row religious revelation, he pre- 
dicted that a miracle would spare his sor- 
ry life. That miracle arrived in no less a 


Read “Em and Weep] 


PROJECT X * Jim Shepard 

The Columbine school shooting was an 
event so unsettling that socially conscious 
artists have lined up to find meaning in its 
senselessness. Shepard's sixth novel ex- 
amines two teens with striking resem- 
blances to Columbine killers Eric Harris 
and Dylan Klebold. The eighth-grade narra- 
tor, Hanratty, suffers from extreme angst, 
caused in part by his inability to open his 
locker. His only friend, the aptly named 
Flake, purposely cuts his middle fingers 50 


form than the pope, who during a visit to 
he can flip off teachers while showing his St. Louis successfully lobbied Governor 
injuries. Victims of relentless bullying, Mel Carnahan to commute Mease's sen- 
they concoct a plan to gun down their tence. Cuneo handles these sinners 
tormentors. Поп? ex- and saints with equal 
pect to hate these char- aplomb and also man- 
acters. Shepard seems ages to shed light on 
to be saying that perpe the drug culture buried 
trators of schoo! shoot- deep in the Ozarks. By 
ings aren't filled with the way, does anybody 
hatred but rather with have the Vatican's toll- 
unrequited love. (Knopf) free number? (Broadway) 
yyy ¥¥¥ —Јаѕоп Buhrmester 


Jim Shepard 
а novel 
—Patty Lamberti | | 


THE LEATHER BOOK 
Anne-Laure Quilleriet 
Rock stars сап? live without it. Bikers fight 
to the death over it. Even soccer moms 
are enamored with leather. This 400-page 
coffee-table book shows how animal hide 
О became a fashion statement for everyone 

| from prehistoric cave dwellers to dungeon- 
loving fetishists and 
captures the multipur- 
pose pelt in every set- 
ting—though we still 
| like leather best when 
| it's stretched across 
a shapely ass. If you 
flip through this at a 
PETA meeting, expect 
to get spray-painted. 
(Assouline) ¥¥¥ —PL. 


33 


BUNNIES 
CELEBRITIES 


Walk the red carpet and be a part of this sexy, sophisticated once-in-a-lifetime experience. Styled after the 
legendary Playboy Clubs, this exclusive event is quaranteed to be the party of the year. See amazing Playboy 
memorabilia including Hef's infamous round bed and mingle with Playmates, beautiful women and local celebrities, 
all while grooving to the sounds of DJ Shortee. This is your chance to see the world of Playboy the way Hef does. 


TOUR SCHEDULE 


DATE LOCATION CLUB DATE LOCATION CLUB 

2.24 Nashville, TN Buffalo Billiards & Havana Lounge 3.25 Chicago, IL Circus/Biology Bar 
2.25 Columbus, OH Redzone Nightclub 3.30 Cleveland, OH Metropolis Nightclub 
2.26 Louisville, KY Jim Porters Good Time Emporium 3.31 Pittsburgh, PA Matrix Nightclub. 

32 New Orleans, LA The Metropolitan 4.1 Philadelphia, РА Transit Nightclub 

3.6 Las Vegas, NV TBD* 46 Tampa, FL Club Skye 

3.10 Scottsdale, AZ Axis-Hadius 47 Orlando, FL The Club at Firestone 
3.11 San Diego, CA “Details on Playboy.com 4.8 Miami, FL Opium Garden 

3.16 Oklahoma City, OK City Walk 4.13 Richmond, VA Secrets in the City 
3.17 Kansas City, MO ХО Nightclub 4.14 Baltimore, MD Mint 

3.18 St. Louis, MO Kastle Nightclub 4.15 Washington, DC Dream Nightclub 
3.19 Memphis, TN Cadre Building 4.17 Atlantic City, NJ The Casbah Turo Ta Matal Casino Reson” 
3.23 Indianapolis, IN The Vogue 4.20 Charlotte, NC Details on Playboy.com 


3.24 Cincinnati, OH Red Cheetah 4.21 Charleston,SC The Plex 
Dates subject to change "Contact venue directly for more infomation 


A 


FOR MORE INFORMATION LOG ON TO 


LOCATION CLUB 

Atlanta, GA eleven50 
Jacksonville, FL Leopard Lounge 
New York, NY Avalon 

Portland, ME The Roxy Nightclub 
Providence, RI — Ultra the Nightclub 
Virginia Beach, VA The Beach House 
Long Island, NY Mirage Nightclub 


Boston, MA Avalon 

Hartford, СТ Brickyard Café 
Dallas, TX Details on Playboy.com 
Austin, TX Details on Playboy.com 


Houston, TX Details on Playboy.com 
Minneapolis, ММ Escape 


A 


: LOCATION CLUB 
Milwaukee, WI Parkbar 


Detroit, MI Sevin the Nightclub 
Boise, ID The Big Easy Concert House 
Denver, CO. Avalon 


Park City, UT Harry 05 


Portland, OR McMenamins Crystal Ballroom 
Seattle, WA Catwalk Club 

Lake Tahoe, NV Altitude Nightclub Harah’ Late Tahoe” 
Hollywood, CA Details on Playboy.com 

San Francisco, СА Details on Playboy.com 


To emos tickets log on to 
or call 


Mast be 21 oc over to attend. 


>Y PN 


SNOOP GONE BUCK WILD! 
When Snoop Dogg, his debaucherous 
posse and Playboy TV host Ken Francis 
boarded a luxury bus during the Roc 
the Mic tour, we knew there would be 
only one word to describe the expe: 
ence: smokin’. Luckily we caught every 
tillating moment of the trip on tape. 
The result, Playboy TV's Buckwild, 
features Snoop and pals (Busta Rhym 
Sean Paul and Spliff Star) getting 
candid about— 
what else?—sex. 
The series pre- 
mieres January 
9 (look for an 
extended DVD 
later this year). 
Unuil then, here's 
a glimpse of our 
favorite on-the- 
road moments. 


Declaration of Ho-Dependence 
Cruising down the road, the ever- 
eloquent Snoop declares, “You white 
hos did your thing with Girls Gone Wild. 
Now it's time for ladies of flavor to step 
up. Hugh, I need to holler at your ass. 
Let me have a party and fill the Man- 
sion with black Bunnies. I got plenty of 
bud and drink." 


Shake That Ass/Show Us Whot 

Yov're Working With 
Where did they find the Buckwild girls? 
"Before we hit the road we got more 
than 300 e-mail submissions," Francis 
says. "We had to narrow them down to 
10. Because it's an urban show, the girls 
have to have ass. When hip-hop is play- 
ing, they've got to be able to get down 
and dance. They have to get crazy at 
the drop of a dime." 


This Bud's for You 
How many times did cops 
pull over the bus? Three. 
“They wanted to see 
Dogg and the girls,” 
cis says. "Had Snoop been 
on our ride, I think they 
would have searched for 
bud. Our bus was following 
his, but since ours had the 
girls and all the attention, it 
was cool for Snoop. He 
could go by undetected." 


Top: Snoop on BET. Left: the 
Ployboy TV ride, which caused 
several coses of whiplash. 


THE 
QUOTABLE 
SNOOP 


'Grab it, have it, stick it 
to the plug/It's Snaop, 
Doggy, ! go! a fat dub/ 
Sack of the chronic in my 


back pocket lac/Need 


myself o lighter so I can't 
take a smoke.” 
--“Тһа Shiznit," 1993 


"Your body will begin to 
deteriorote if you don't 
toke core of it. Supermon 
couldn't even do whot | 
was doing." 
—on cleoning up his act, 
Entertainment Weekly, 
2002 


“Anybody older than me 
knows they were saying 
W before | was born. 

1 didn't make up thot 
shit. If 1 did, | mean, damn, give me 
some money! That's creative shit." 

—PIAYBOY, 1995 


"You got ta be who you are, when 
уау are. It's just me getting older." 
—The Wall Street Jaumal, 2002 


“A lot of times peaple don't see 
the positivity in gangsta rap. Ме 
all come from violen! back- 
grounds, but we find time ta do 
the right thing for Mother's Day.” 
—Interview, 1996 


"Rap is me broadcasting ond fare- 
casting my life. You can look at 

it from the perspective of where 

I'm from, where I’m ot and whot 
—Vibe, 2000 


Um trying to do." 


“If I'd been о 
stroight-A 
student 
and rapped 
about Jesus, 

I wouldn't 
get no 
media. 
Mother- 
fuckers 
wouldn't 
give a fuck. 
Since I'm 
telling the 
truth, I'm a 
threat.” 
—mumov, 1995 


CYBER GIRL OF THE YEAR: CLICK US A WINNER! 


We know, we know: Your girlfriend is pissed that you spend 
more time in the Playboy Cyber Club than you spend tal 

ing to her. But before you buckle and stop logging on, 
here's an idea: Tell her you're exercising your patriotic 
right to vote. She doesn't have to know that you're voting 


After a stint on 
MTV's Rood Rules, 

Î Mary Beth plans 
1o move ta New 
York City to pur- 
sue acting. “I'd 
also love ta write 
for Rolling Stane,” 
she says. "Music 
is a passian." 


Attention, bikers: 
A former Army in- 
telligence analyst, 

this high-energy 
blonde is dying to 
get high on the 
hag. “Harleys are 
so incredibly 
sexy,” Wendy 
says. “Plus, | hear 
they vibrate!” 


Half Sicilian, 

half Polish, 
Shamran is 100 
percent hat. So 
who raises her 
barometer? 
“Kevin Spacey in 
American Beauty 
and Sharan Stone 
in Basic Instinct.” 


Van Halen would 

be proud: Nancie 

gets us hat for 
teacher. "I have a 
degree in English Ë 
lit, and I'm 

aei nt mee г 
ter’s,” she says. 

“I'd like to teach |P 
high school.” | 


4 
| Kristin is all abaut 
who wants to * | the ride: "My par- 
perform in a rasta À | 
band, played 
guitar. Her next | 
vacation destina- 
tian? “Jamaica,” 
she says. "I'll 
drink Red Stripes 
and dance ta 
reggae all day." 


On the set, Jackie, Р 
A 
` 


ents were roller 
coaster enthusi- 
asts," she says. 

^ Vacations meant 
searching far 

the world's best 
coasters. I’ve rid- 
den almast every 
one in the U.S.” 


for the Cy irl of the Year. Read about the finalists 
below, then go to playboy.com/cgoy and pick your favorite. 
Will it be the Army intelligence analyst? The Road Rule 
alum? The motorcycle enthusiast? The high school teacher 
The reggae guitarist? Relationship saved (and we 
announce the winner this spring). 


Some stellor 
dating advice 
fram the brunette 
beauty: “Play 
hard to get. Let 
the girl knaw 
you're interested, 
but don't chase 
her around. We 
like a challenge.” 


She has an affec- 
tion for manual 
labor, and elbow 
grease gets her 
thinking dirty: “1 
like a guy who's 
good with his 
hands and who 
doesn't mind 
getting messy." 


“Brown Eyed Girl 
cauld have been 
written about 
me," Alicia says. 
Her CD collection 
is all about the 
Morrisans—Van 
and Jim: “I wish 
I'd met Jim. 

His songs are so 
powerful." 


Jessica is beyond 
bootylicious: 
"Guys always say 
Ihave a nice 
ass," she says. 
"Considering 
how petite | am, 
1was lucky to 

be blessed with 
a nice little set 
of curves." 


Tiffany's favorite 
TV vixen? Sex and 
the City's Saman- 
tha. “Kim Cattrall 
is confident and 
comfortable with 
her sexuality,” she 
says. "She's moti- 
vation for ail af 
us to get busy in 
the bedroom!” 


“I want ta be a 
rock star," Liza. 
says. Good thing 
she's pals with 
Andrew WK., 
who snapped her 
for Playbay.cam. 
“He's an ass 
man,” she says. 
And wha can 
blame him? 


= 


You get thegfaets before buying a car, sell 
' | ; 
a stock, or refinanee a Mortgage, and 
| 


befgfe assembling that new gas grill. f 


M 1 
\ 
“yOu re willing to ignore your 


thinning hair? 


Bionutrient Actives" helps reduce the visible effects 
of aging on the scalp, increases cellular turnover through 
exfoliation and gives you thicker, healthier looking hair. 


Bionutrient Actives" The natural solution for the appearance of thinning hair. 
Call 1-800-628-9890 or visit www.nioxin.com for more information. le 
RESEARC 


H LABORATORIES, INC. 


is personal 


Auto Erotica 


Could this be the finest, sexiest Mercedes-Benz ever built? Coming to 
select dealers this summer: the McLaren SLR, o lightweight, corbon- 
fiber-bodied wundercor, the love child of MB ond the British racing 
compony McLoren (it builds Mercedes's Formulo One roce соғ). The 
scissor-doored SLR pocks 600-plus ponies under thot stor-embossed 
hood. You'll see 60 mph іп 3.7 seconds. Top speed? А blinding 215 
mph. All this from a superchorged УВ mounted strotegicolly for optimol 
weight distribution ond moted to o five-speed Mercedes-AMG Speed- 
Shift tronsmission thot selects geors in nonoseconds. Ceromic disc 
brokes and a pop-up spoilerlike oir broke help bring you bock from 
hyperspeed. Leother obounds inside, and unlike most supercors the 
SLR idles sweetly in troffic. Price: $400,000. Perchance to dreom. 


Drinks on the House 


Ex Ck WITH 


Siege 94 ER You've got the widescreen TV, speakers 
тва Da 21 y гу & JS the size of phone booths ond o subwoofer 
22 D ] IR НЕ x 50 powerful your neighbors can feel the 
4 y box wump in their lower intestines. Whot's 


missing? A personol beverage vending 
| mochine, of course. Moytog's SkyBox, the 
only personol vendor on the morket, con. 
be customized on its front or side ponels 
with NFL or other sports logos or even 
personal photogrophs (let your imogino- 
tion go nuts). Although it con hold 66 
12-ounce cons or 33 12-ounce bottles, it's 
shorter ond norrower than a troditionol 
vending mochine. Plus, it 
hos o lower shelf on which 
you con stosh noshes. Тһе 
SkyBox doesn't occept 
coins or bills, but you con 
put on empty beer con 
next to it ond osk your pols 
1o chip in toword its 5569 
price tog. Order yours ot 
skyboxbymoytog.com. 


Paradise Found 


Let's cut to the chase. After you check in at Hidden Beach—Mex- 
ico's first oll-inclusive luxury nudist resort, located an hour south 
of Cancun—you're expected to get ond stay noked. Thot mokes 
pocking easy. This isn't some half-assed, clothing-optional get- 
cwoy. Nude sunbathing, dining, dancing, you nome it are the 
order of the doy—and night. The resort hos 42 oceonfront suites 
(eoch stocked with o minibar ond a spirils dispenser thot squirts 
free rum, tequilo, whiskey and vodka) that offer privocy should 
you choose to keep to yourself. Nudity ond free booze—who 
could ask for onything more? Prices range from obout $150 to 
$200 per person per night. For pockage details and other infor- 
mation, head over to hiddenbeochresort.com. 


Clothesline: 
dell Garlin 


One of the stars af 
HBO's hit shaw 
Curb Your Enthusi- 
asm says he's too 
big to buy clothes 
off the rock. “I have 
suits ond tuxes 
made for me. | love 
the Gop, but unfor- 
tunately the T-shirts 
1 buy shrink to 
where they become 
belly shirts. I'm also 
a suspenders guy. | 
have about 30 
poirs, and | get 
more oll the time 
becouse my charoc- 
ter on Curb Your 
Enthusiasm wears them. That's how | got hooked. They're 
all tasteful. Nothing flashy. My prized clothing items ore an 
Ernie Bonks Cubs jersey—he's my all-time fovorite boseboll 
player—and several of lockie Gleason's suits thot 1 got 
from Mrs. Gleason. 1 grew up with his stepson Craig, ond 
she gove me the suits when | went to visit them after Jackie 
died. 1 was reluctont to toke them, but Mrs. Gleason said, 
"From one comedian to onother.’ They're a pretty close fit. 
I'm waiting for just the right occosion to wear one." 


Great Head 


Golf is o gome of technology and one-upmanship. Add 
Nike's line of CPR iron-wood hybrids ($149 each) to 
your bog and you've got both working for you. Aside 
from looking shorp, these new clubheads аге designed 
to replace your long irons, the hardest clubs to swing 
accurately. The toe of the clubface is closed, so even 
terminol slicers ("Forel") will hove a better chance of 
squoring the foce at impact, creoting a straighter shot. 
The clubs below have an 18- ond a 22-degree loft. The 
18 replaces your two and three irons, the 22 your three 
ond four. A 24-degree club replaces your four and five. 
More info at nikegolf.com. Playing through! 


The Perfect Time... 


To prevent food cravings: 
When you woke up in the 
morning. Yeah, you've heord it 
before: Eat breokfast. But it 
mokes sense, and not for the 
reasons you think. After seven 
hours of sleep (during which 
you probobly didn't eat), your 
liver is about 75 percent 
depleted of glycogen (stored 
corbs). If you don't eat, your 
body begins to connibalize 
muscle. You eot yourself. A. 
meal in the morning (ideally а 
mix of high-fiber carbs and 
some protein) will reconfigure 
your metobolism so your body 
doesn't send out "desperotion" 
signols loter. * To plan your 
workday: At the end of the pre- 


vious doy. If you work from on 
end-of-day list, you won't waste 
time trying to recoll where you 
left off. When you head home, 
tomorrow will olready be orga- 
nized, so you'll be oble to kick 
back ond pour a tall one. 


HERE AND HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 


А marriage that should 
end up on the rocks. 


We take the extra step of "marrying" our unique blend 
of 12 year old whiskies in oak casks. It is this additional 
aging process that creates a smooth, well-balanced flavor 
and ensures that from bottle to bottle, you won't find 

any irreconcilable differences. 


Finest SCOTCH WHISKY 


Í 2 mue 


Savor Every Detail. 


Best Savored in moderation. 


Jamie Ireland is а 
freelance writer in 
the areas of sex, 
fitness, romance, 
and travel. 


h'. 


Advertisement 


| the inside story on 


Learning “The Ropes”.. 


his month I got a letter from a 

reader in Texas about a "little 
secret" that has made her sex life 
with her husband absolutely explosive. 
(Those Texans know their stuff, let 
me tell you.) 


Tina writes: 


Dear Jamie, 
Last month my husband returned. 
from a business trip in Europe, and һе 
was hotter and hornier than ever before, 
with more passion than he has had for 
years. It was incredible. He flat wore 
me out! And the best part of all—he 
was having multiple orgasms. I know 
what you're thinking... теп don't 
have multiples, but trust me he was, 
and his newfound pow! pow! power! 
stimulated me into the most intense 
orgasms I've ever had. So, before we 
knew it, we were both basking in the 
glow of the best sex of our lives! 

We tried tantric stuff in the past, 
and the results were so-so. But this 
was something new and exciting, 
completely out of the ordinary. 1 asked 
my husband what had created such 
а dramatic change іп our lovemaking 
and he told me he'd finally learned 
"the ropes." 

On the last night of his business trip 
my husband spent an evening dining 
out with a Swedish nutritionist and 
his wife of 20 years. The couple was 
obviously still quite enamored with 
each other, so my husband asked their 
secret. The nutritionist told him their 
sex life was more passionate than ever. 
Then he pulled a small bottle from his 


Hot Spot 
Great Sex! 


by Jamie Ireland 


satchel and gave it to my husband. The 
bottle contained a natural supplement 
that the nutritionist told my husband 
would teach him "the ropes" of good sex. 
My husband takes the supplement every 

day. The supply from the nutritionist 
is about to run out and we desperately 
want to know how we can find more. 
Do you know anything about "the 
ropes, " and can you tell us how we 
can find it in the States? 

Sincerely, 

Tina C., Ft. Worth, Texas 


TE you and the rest of our readers 
are in luck, because it just so happens 
1 do know about "the ropes” and the 
supplement your husband's Swedish 
friend likely shared. 

The physical contractions and fluid 
release during male orgasm can be 
multiplied and intensified by a product 
called Ogóplex Pure Extract”. 125 a 
daily supplement specially formulated 
to trigger better orgasmic experiences 
in men. The best part, from a woman's 
perspective, is that the motion and 
experience a man can achieve with 


Individual results may vary 


Ogóplex Pure Extract can help 


stimulate our own orgasms, bringing 
a whole new meaning to the term 
simultaneous climax! 

The term used by the Swedish 
nutritionist is actually fairly common 
slang for the effect your husband 
experienced. The enhanced contractions 
and heightened orgasmic release are 
often referred to as ropes because of 
the rope-like effect of release during 
climax. In other words, as some people 
have said, “it just keeps coming and 
coming and coming.” 

As far as finding it in the States, 

1 know of just one importer—Bóland 
Naturals. If you are interested, you 
can contact them at 1-866-ogoplex or 
ogoplex.com. Ogóplex is all-natural 
and safe to take. All the people I've 
spoken with have said taking the 
once-daily tablet has led to the roping 
effect Tina described in her letter. 

Aren't you glad you asked? 


jr Жы) 


Jamie Ireland 


Ше Playboy Advisor 


An attractive woman lives down the 
hall from me in my apartment building. 
We've exchanged small talk, but that's it. 
1 often fantasize about her while mastur- 
bating. A few weeks ago the couple who 
live next door to me invited the woman to 
a barbecue. They asked her to bring me 
along. Puzzled, she asked why. The cou- 
ple said they could hear us on some 
nights and assumed we were dating. 
When she told them we weren't, it dawned. 
on all of them that what they had been 
hearing was my moaning this woman's 
name. A few daysago my neighbor—nice 
guy that he is—told me everything. I was 
speechless. He said the woman had 
seemed amused. I had wanted to ask her 
out, but now that seems comical. What 
should I do?—J.W., San Diego, California 
The next time you beat off, put the other 
sock in your mouth. The only way to find out 
if the object of your affection was horrified, 
mildly amused or totally turned on is to ask 
her out for coffee. You'll have your answer in 
а nanosecond. For the record, the women in 
our office—an open-minded group, to be 
sure—universally agreed that this revelation 
would creep them out. If you can score іп this 
situation, no woman will ever again seem 
like a challenge. You may have the balls to. 
fess up, but a better strategy might be misdi- 
rection. That is, say hello, apologize for not 
introducing yourself earlier, ask her name as 
if you didn't know it, then lie: “That's funny. 
Му ex has the same name.” She may not 
believe you, but it could plant a reasonable 
doubt, and that’s all you need for acquittal. 


How long can gelatin shots sit around in 
the fridge and still be good to cat?— 
M.G., San Francisco, California 

If you've covered them in cling wrap, they 
should last for up to a week. This according 
to Chaz Boston Baden, the foremost authori- 
ty on gelatin shots. Since 1994 he has main- 
tained a site at boston-baden.com/hazel/Jello 
that offers his philosophy (shots should be 
served as alcoholic desserts, not as a quick 
way lo gel drunk), advice (use sugar-free 
gelatin for easier cleanup) and recipes, 
such as his world-famous margarita shot: 
Stir 4 cups of lime-flavored gelatin into 2 
cups of boiling water until dissolved. Add 
1? cups cold water, % cup tequila and Y cup 
triple sec. Chill until set. Makes 8 half-cup 
or 16 quarter-cup servings. For a straw- 
berry margarita use strawberry gelatin and 
% cup lime juice or lime schnapps. Use gin 
instead of tequila for a kamikaze or rum in- 
stead of tequila for a daiquiri. 


What does it mean when a woman can 
have the biggest orgasm of her life simply 
by standing next to a certain man? This 
has happened to me three times—the first 
was 10 years ago, and the most recent was 
last year. My girlfriend and I waited for 


the guy to see if it would happen again, 
and I—twice. The man is Willie Nel- 
son. Is this normal? I don't want to wreck 
his marriage or mine. But I would be a 
cheap date.—M.]., Newark, New Jersey 


God works in mysterious ways. 


Тһе reader who wrote because his wife 
never wants sex can take comfort in the 
fact that other aspects of his marriage 
are fine. My husband's excuse is either 
"I'm tired” or “Му back hurts." I've gone 
from being hurt to angry to indifferent. 
Now I take what I can get, and I rely on 
my vibrator. It's sad, but many of us 
need more than our spouses are willing 
to give.—].D., New York, New York 
Indifference is a sign of real trouble. An 
angry spouse is al least motivated to take ac- 
tion. In his book Great Sex, Michael Castle- 
тап observes that, over time, sex in any 
relationship becomes less like the Fourth of 
July and more like Thanksgiving. He sum- 
marizes the attitude of the spouse who wants 
more sex as “You used to want sex five times 
а week. If I'd known you'd eventually want it 
only twice a month, I'm not sure I would 
have stuck around. But now we're married 
and have kids and a mortgage. 1 love you, 
and to me love means sex. 1 feel that you 
don’t love me. 1 also feel that you tricked ше. 
Now I feel stuck.” The other partner thinks, 
“If Га known you were such а sex fiend, Pm 
not sure | would have stuck around. 1 love 
you, but there are big differences between 
love and sex. You're insatiable. 1 (егі stuck.” 
Couples in this situation slip into one of two 
modes: bickering or silence. The higher- 
desire person will often stop initiating sex to 
see how long it takes for the partner to ask 
for it—the long wait often makes him or her 
even angrier. The couple stops hugging, kiss- 


ILLUSTRATION BY ISTVAN BANYAI 


ing, holding hands or cuddling because the 
partner who wants sex sees these activities as 
foreplay. Castleman notes that couples have 
three choices: Break up, live in misery, or 
compromise. Therapists find thai both part- 
ners typically desire the same thing: more 
nonsexual affection and more attention from 
their spouse in general. That's the starting 
point. Good sex comes out of a good mar- 
riage, not the other way around. 


It my girlfriend swallows during oral 
sex, within half an hour she will have a 
bout of diarrhea. What causes 
J-A., Acworth, Georgia 

Your girlfriend may be hypersensitive to 
sorbitol, one of the many elements found in 
semen, although typically an adult must 
consume at least 10 grams before having 
symptoms. (Sorbitol is widely used as а sug- 
ar substitute, most commonly in diet candy.) 
We can only suggest that she spit instead of 
swallow. Over-the-counter remedies are 
available, but watching your lover slug 
Pepto-Bismol after blowing you may lead to 
psychological problems. 


What is the etiquette for answering a 
phone that has caller ID, specifically at 
work? Should you greet the person by 
name or use a more generic hello?— 
D.Y., Phoenix, Arizona 

Answer wilh your name instead of theirs. 
Someday that caller ID is going to be useful, 
so keep it close to your vest. 


| have a thing for the peach fuzz on the 
back of a woman's thigh. When 1 make 
love to my wife doggy style and the light 
hits her leg just right, I'm ecstatic. The 
best example ever was in your July 2003 
issue, page 93, which is a wonderful shot 
of the fuzz on Playmate Marketa Janska. 
Did you plan it that way?—J.S., Newport 
Beach, California 
Of course. 


This past October you mentioned clubs 
that have male and female dancers. On 
weekends РТ? Showclub in Denver has 
male strippers on one stage and women 
on the others. The dance floor is skirted 
by an amateur stage, where any woman 
can jump up, pop her top and earn a few 
bucks.—W.]., Denver, Colorado 

How much can a guy make? We just put 
«n addition on our house. 


Ive been told that when one chooses an 
outfit, the shirt-pants-shoes color combi- 
nation should alternate—that is, light- 
dark-light or dark-light-dark. What do 
you think?—S.C 5 

That's not the place to start. The goal of 
dressing well is to draw attention lo your face. 
The first thing to consider is the contrast be- 
tween your skin and your shirt, and your jacket 


43 


PLAYBOY 


44 


and tie if you wear them. Selecting colors is 
trickier, but if you stand in front of the mirror 
and hold up encugh colors to your face, some 
will stand ош (you don't want to look pasty or 
pink). Eye color and suntan are also factors. 
“If you have blue eyes, you definitely want to 
wear blue shirts or ties with some strong blue 
in them,” says Alan Flusser, author of Dress- 
ing the Man. “A dark tan tends to mean you 
should wear more contrast. That's why men 
tend to dress more colorfully in the spring and 
summer.” If you play with contrast, be careful. 
Too much and you'll look like a Creamsicle. 
Still confused? Stick with the classics: black 
jacket with gray pants, blue jacket with khakis. 


Last year a woman asked how she 
could get her anus back to its “natural” 
pink. As you said, bleaching is crazy. Іп- 
stead, leave some petroleum jelly down 
there. After three days your anus will 
look and feel much lighter and cleaner — 
L.L., San Jose, California 

And you'll be prepared should any sponta- 
neous butt fucking break out. 


A reader wrote in September, asking for 
new ways to masturbate. Try toothpaste 
Jather for the same cool, tingly sensation 
you feel when brushing your teeth.— 
A.C., Grinnell, Iowa 

By what process did you discover this? 


| prefer bananabation. I wrap masking 
tape around a banana three quarters of 
the way up. Then I roll it between my 
palms to soften it. I cut the end off below 
the tape, squeeze the insides out and eat 
them. When it's all empty I have the next. 
best thing to pussy. I lube my erection and 
then microwave the banana sheath for 23 
seconds. I find it adds some excitement be- 
tween dates. Have you ever heard of this? 
Is it dangerous?—PP, Chicago, Illinois 


It’s dangerous in the monkey house. 


Once you have an erection while mas- 
turbating, spread the head to open the 
urethra. Push down on the hole with the 
index finger of your other hand. Repeat 
170 times, then keep your finger over 
the hole as you slowly stroke your penis. 
As you reach climax the shaft will fill up 
with sperm, and the air inside will cause 
a pressure buildup. The stream of se- 
men that erupts is incredible —].A., Los 
Angeles, California 

Because we care about your well-being, 
well warn you of the remote chance that 
your technique could lead to an embolism. 
Then we'll get out of the way. 


ке heard that the hot weather іп Eu- 
rope last summer is going to yield some 
fantastic wines. True?—S.B., Madison, 
Wisconsin 

It’s too early too tell, though professional 
tasters will soon be sampling from the barrels 
(the wines won't be available until 2005). 
Hot summers and early harvests generally 
yield high-sugar grapes, which make for bet- 


ter wines. Plenty can go wrong during the 


harvest or vinification, though, so it's never 
a sure thing. Winemakers in France are hop- 
ing the 2003 vintage will be similar to the 
great 1947 one—especially since their ex- 
ports to the U.S. fell 26 percent last year. 
Wait to hea from trusted tasters such as 
Robert Parker or Stephen Tanzer for the best 
wines in your price range. Once you do, it’s 
always less expensive to buy futures. 


The author of Five Minutes to Orgasm wrote 
in September that “missionary is probably 
the worst position for bringing a woman 
to orgasm.” I can come only in missionary. 
Is there something wrong with me?— 
С.Е, Williamstown, New Jersey 

Nothing at all. There's one thing that сап 
bring you to orgasm in any position: your 
partner’s finger (or your own). It may seem 
like cheating to finger your clit during inter- 
course, but the penis is a team player. 


I recently divorced and am ready to start 
dating. At what point do I tell a woman 
that I'm wearing a hairpicce?—M.B., 
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania 

She'll know. We all know. 


You wrote last fall about people who get 
headaches during sex. Sex can also ease 
the pain. When I wake up with a head- 
ache, 1 ask my husband to make love to 
me. The pain is gone within minutes — 
J-B., Springfield, Illinois 

You just gave “1 have a headache, dear" a 
wonderful new meaning. In a study conduct- 
ed al Southern Illinois University, 24 of 53 
women who'd had sex while suffering a mi- 
graine found that it relieved the pain; only 
one said her headache gol worse. Other re- 
search seems to indicate that vaginal stimula- 
tion increases a woman s pain threshold. One 
scientist hypothesized that when the vagina is 
stimulated the body responds as it does dur- 
ing childbirth —by releasing painkillers. 


Му boyfriend loves hand jobs, but I've 
only been able to get him off twice. He's 
left-handed, and I'm not. Could he have 
conditioned himself to using his left 
hand?—E.D., Landing, New Jersey 

Why not use your left and see how it goes? 
Also, the next lime you give him а hand job, 
interview him. “Does that feel good? Should 
1 go faster? Slower? More pressure?" It тау 
make you both laugh, but it's a quick way to 
learn what he likes. 


White making out with a girl, 1 felt a 
nub at the top of her butt crack. I've 
heard that every human has a gene for a 
tail. Do some people actually have one? 
—E.W, Washington, D.C. 

You're complainiug about getting a little 
tail? Your date has an extended coccyx. No 
big deal. 


This past summer Congressman Bill 
Janklow of South Dakota sped through a 
stop sign into the path of a motorcyclist, 
who was killed. The news coverage men- 
tioned that Janklow's 1995 Cadillac had 


a factory-installed “black box" like one 
you'd find on an airplane. What sort of 
data does it store? Can it verify your 
speed? Which vehicles have these boxes, 
and can they be removed or disabled?— 
D.N., Sioux Falls, South Dakota 

The latest boxes record your specd during 
the few seconds before impact, as well as 
whether you accelerated or braked and 
whether your seat belt was fastened. Janklows 
box was too old to provide anything useful, but 
in а similar case in Florida the data helped 
convict a man charged with manslaughter. He 
had been driving his 2002 Trans Am on a res- 
idential street when he collided with a car 
pulling out of a driveway; two teenagers were 
killed. He admitted to going 60 mph. The ac- 
cident investigator calculated his speed at 98 
mph. The black box recorded it as high as 114 
mph. He got 30 years. As many as 40 million 
vehicles, including every GM since 2000 and 
every Ford since 2002, have electronic data 
recorders. Safely researchers, insurers and 
prosecutors love EDRs; opponents see them as 
a potential violation of your right against self- 
іпсгітіпайоп (one defense attorney compared 
the technology to “having a government agent 
in the backseat”). Automakers take the posi- 
tion that the data belongs to the vehicle's own- 
er (GM collects it for safety studies only with 
permission), but that doesn’t stop a judge from 
issuing a court order, On July 1 California 
will become the first state to require automak- 
ers to inform buyers if their new cars have 
EDRs. The technology is difficult to remove 
because it’s integrated with the system that 
controls the air bags. 


Is it ethical for a patient to ask out his 
nurse?—B.S., Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania 

Sure. She’s already scen your penis. But 
it's not ethical for her to accepi. 


А female swinger who is a friend of my 
wife's wanted to have a gang bang. Her 
husband lined up four single guys, but 
his vife was disappointed because the fun 
lasted only an hour. When my wife told 
me this story, I said 1 wasn't surprised. 
Single guys are into pleasing themselves, 
which is why they're single. Married guys 
are into pleasing women, which is why 
they're married. I know this isn't always 
the case, but what does the Advisor think? 
--М/В., College Station, Texas 

That's not a bad setup lo get yourself invited. 
The reason four married guys would last longer 
is that they'd each be thinking, I better take this 
slow, because it’s never going to happen again, 


All reasonable questions—from fashion, food 
and drink, stereo and sports cars to dating 
dilemmas, taste and etiquette—will be person- 
ally answered if the writer includes a self- 
addressed, stamped envelope. The most inter- 
esting, pertinent questions will be presented in 
these pages each month. Write the Playboy Ad- 
visor, PLAYBOY, 680 North Lake Shore Drive, 
Chicago, Illinois 60611, or send e-mail by 
visiting our website at playboyadvisor.com. 


ADVISOR RAW DATA 


FIVE DECADES OF SEX, STATS AND STRANGENESS 


“Гүе been seeing a certain young lady. She's a great 
kid, but | don't share her enthusiasm for marriage. I'd 
like to call a halt to matters. But how?" 

—first question asked of the Advisor 


12 LETTERS THAT ` 


DIDN'T MAKE THE CUT* 
*but not for lack of trying 

(1) “Fleas are ruining my life..." 

(2) "I've had several nervous breakdowns. Obviously | can't be an 
astronaut or an airline pilot. But could 1 be a lawyer?" 


(3) "Can a human catch any animal venereal 
diseases? | own a large dog, and 1 was on my 
knees and elbows once, searching for a CD, 
when..." 


(4) "Do you know of any movies in which love is 


portrayed as the main theme but with lots cf penis- 
in-vagina shots?" 


(S) “Do you think my gallbladder problems are related to my "We thi n k that's il lega | ; n 


(6) "Our mother-son relationship has gone to the next level, — suggested by a reader as an all-purpose response to every question 
and now I'm pregnant. How do 1 tell my husband?" ag y > 


4 Percentage of narcoleptics who have fallen 
asleep while climaxing. 


(7) From a prisoner: "Can you tell me who sells the 


book Escape and Evasion? I'd also like information 50 6 0 Frank M 

about GPS systems." N , , өлген m 

(8) "You missed the boat with the reader concerned Percentage of women eolian 

about his wife's pale areolae. Why not have her areo- who said yes to each of from 1969 to 

lae tattooed dark brown? Dear Abby would have three questions posed by 1973, left f 

thought of that." an attractive. stranger: C en id 

(9) "The ghosts of my parents often visit our house. We're planning (1) Would you go out on pac 

to move. Are there any religious procedures that will get themto 8 date with me? (2) novel that be- 

come to our new house?" Would you go back to my came a basis 

(10) “Although I'm a Christian, here is a list of the things 1 would 3Partment? (3) Would oa 

do if Marie Osmond were here with me..." you have sex with me? ing Inferno, 

(11) “Whenever | cover the head of my penis with purple nail pol- 50 69 1 5 4 

ish, | glue the hole shut so none will go in. I've enclosed four pho- ; 99, 

tos. Please write back if you would like to know more." Percentage of men who. 2 8 m ph 

(12) “I have found the perfect toothbrush. If | buy 200 of them to said yes to the same Speed at which the first spurt of 
р! 


last me the next 40 years, can you provide storage instructions?" | questions. ejaculate leaves a man's body. 


“ e 1” FIVE MOST FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS 
ou bastara! ANSWERED IN FIVE WORDS OR FEWER 
—two-word letter following our advice 1. How much are my PLAYBOYS worth? 
to a woman who wanted to give her Keep your job. Millions saved. 
future husband a thrill on their wedding " i ? 
Pie ae sS е SR PIE qe pareant 
with him fol ith prior. > A ç 
ici 3. My girlfriend told me about her sexual past, 
and now | can't stop thinking about ell the guys 
she's been with. x 
Get over it. She's yours. қ 
4. I'm falling in love with 
a close female friend. 
Percentage | Tell her. You'll always 


“Му musical wild oats are 
screaming to be sown, but it 


of men wonder. means giving up my secure 
who have 5. How do we arrange a job. Any suggestions?" 
erections threesome? —B.M., from Brooklyn, in a 


larger than Friend, hooker, swinger 
7.2 inches. ог luck. 


1965 letter. B.M. turned out to 
be Barry Manilow. 


45 


RETIRED 7-ТІМЕ WORLD CHAMPION 
ALL-AROUND COWBOY 


WHETHER IT'S FINE CUT, 
LONG CUT OR POUCHES. 
FRESH COPE® SATISFIES. 


| TOBACCO СО — 
Trademark of U.S, Smokeless Tobacco Co. or an affiliate, 22003 U.S, Smokeless Tobacco Co. 


p PLAYBOY FORUM 


ha BO OG e 


ID 


A 
[PA 


f you watch the 
Tu E 
talk shows, the 
battle over campaign 
finance reform ap- 
pears simple: Repub- 
lican senator Mitch 
McConnell of Ken- 
tucky is the bogeyman. 
It's good versus evil, 
John McCain versus 
Mitch McConnell, in a 
fight for the soul of 
American democracy. 
It seems an unenvi- 
able position for the 
Senate majority whip, 
but it is one that he 
relishes. He opposed 
the McCain-Feingold 
bill that passed in the 
Senate and the Shays- 
Mechan bill that 
passed in the House, 
both of which banned 
soft-money contributions to political parties. The two bills 
became the Bipartisan Campaign Reform Act, signed by 
President Bush in March 2002 and enacted in November 
2002. McConnell then fought to have his name attached as 
lead plaintiff to the legal challenge to the law, a case pend- 
ing before the Supreme Court. McConnell characterizes 
the bill as both unconstitutional and incffectual. The High 
Court will decide the former. Lost in the vilification of 
McConnell is that he's right about the latter. 

Soft money— donations to national parties used for 
issue ads and party-building activities not tied to specific 
candidates— generated public ire when Enron, World- 
Com and Arthur Andersen were found to have given out 
wads of it. When that outrage revived Shays-Mechan and 
McCain-Feingold in early 2002, McConnell almost single- 
handedly tried to derail the bills. “I don't know Senator 
McConnell well enough to assess his motivations," says 
Marty Meehan (D.-Mass.), who co-sponsored the House 
bill, “but I can say that he is a formidable opponent of 
most of the proposals I consider important to reducing 
the influence of special interests, 

ven though money vill still play a role in politics, 
BCRA goes a long way toward making that system more 
open and accountable. Unlimited soft-money donations to 
political parties sometimes even involving donations 
exceeding $1 million—gave rise to a particularly serious 
appearance of corruption.” 

“When we passed the law, we weren't looking at what 
would be different today,” says Christopher Shays 
(R.-Conn.), the House bill's other sponsor. "We were look- 
ing at what would be different in the future. Enron and 


WorldCom gave $4 
million and $3 million 
in a particular election 
cycle—out of corporate 
treasury money. There 
was nothing to stop 
those figures from be- 
ing $40 million and 

n a few years 


“The most notewor- 
thy benefit is that the 
role of individual citi- 
zens will be restored to 
preeminence in the 
political process, which 
has been corrupted by 
the ability of corpora- 
tions, unions and 
wealthy individuals to 
exert undue influence. 
Corporations, non- 
profits and unions 
will still be integral 
parts of policymaking 

through their lobbying efforts but not because of the size of 
their checkbooks. 

McConnell disputes this, as is clear from his comments 
on the Senate floor: 

“For those who wanted to reduce the amount of money in 
politics, this certainly will not do that. In a 100 percent hard- 
money world, as defined by McCain-Feingold, what we will 
do is take none of the money out of politics. We will just take 
the parties out of politics. Parties are the one entity іп Amer- 
ica that will support a challenger. Parties are filters. This 
new world won't take а penny out of politics, not a penny. 
It will all be spent. It just won't be spent by the part 

Georgetown law professor Roy Schotland agrees with 
McConnell's assessment. "BCRA is the worst law ever 
passed in terms of what it does to our political system," 
he says. "If everything in it is stricken by the Supreme 
Court, you're going to see a lot more money spent than 
before. If the whole thing is sustained, you're going to 
see a lot more money spent than before. You'll see the big 
givers rolling just as before, with one exception: The par- 
ties will be a much smaller part of the scene. Nonparty 
groups the single-interest, single-issue groups—will be 
much more important. 

“АШ our experience since the last campaign reform 29 
years ago is that the funds will continue to flow, just in dif- 
ferent channels. Money will flow to all kinds of new non- 
party, noncandidate entities—and they can do whatever 
they want." Barred from party-run mechanisms regulated 
by the Federal Election Commission, corporations and oth- 
er big donors will instead make their contributions to tax- 
exempt organizations that have no party or candidate 


BY TIMOTHY MOHR 


affiliations and are regulated only by 
the IRS. A company that might have 
given $2 million to the Democratic Party 
before BCRA would now give that 
same money tax-free 10 a nonprofit— 
call it Americans for Good Things. This 
group, which might even have been set 
up by former Democratic aides, would 
transfer the $2 million to another type 
of tax-exempt organization that spends 
the money on political activities. Once 
that transfer is made, this second non- 
profit would have to report only that it 
got the money from Americans for 
Good Things, not from the company. 
“As candidates look for more ways to 
raise money, they have realized how 
flexible charity law is,” notes Frances 
Hill, a University of Miami professor 
who specializes in tax law. “That poses a 
terrible dilemma for the IRS, which has 
never seen itself as involved in elections.” 
Hard money—closely regulated con- 
tributions to specific candidates from 
political action committees and individ- 
uals—wins elections too. In this area, n September 11 a judge in Pitts- | According to the people I've talked 
what makes Senator McConnell's oppo- burgh sentenced Tommy Chong, | to, the Justice Department shopped 
sition to BCRA counterintuitive is that half of the comedy team Cheech this sting around to every state, and 
the law benefits Republicans more than and Chong, to nine months in federal | only two, Pennsylvania and Iowa, 
Democrats. Though Republicans have prison for violating the law that makes would get involved. 
led in both hard and soft fund-raising, it illegal lo sell or trans- PLAYBOY; Why did you 
their edge in hard moncy is much morc port drug paraphernalia. plead guilty? 
pronounced. Corporations provide As part of a ріға agree- CHONG: The prosecutor 
three quarters of all PAC money; of that, ment, Chong, 65, closed told me that if I didn't 
65 percent goes to Republicans Repub- his three-year-old business, they would go after ту 
licans also lead at all levels of individual Chong Glass, and forfeited son and my wife. 
contributions permitted under BCRA, its inventory, $103,514 PLAYBOY: At the time of 
which raised the cap for total contribu- in cash and two websiles, the raids, the head of 
tions by an individual from $25,000 to as well as his personal col- the DEA said, “People 
$95,000 in each two-year election cycle. lection of bongs. Chong selling drug parapher- 
The soft-moncy ban and the boost in also paid a $20,000 fine. nalia are as much a part 
the hard-money ceiling seem to cause The comedian had been of trafficking as si 
another phenomenon: more cash than caught up in Operation are a part of hot 
ever before being shoveled into leader- | Pipe Dreams, an effort by We've seen how cops 
ship PACs. Incumbents maintain leader- the Justice Department to catch killers. How do 
ship PACs not for their own campaigns shut down shops that sell they capture 65-year- 
but to throw money around to others. — pipes, roach clips and old bong dealers? 
"These PACs are unhampered by BCRA. small scales. Prior to his CHONG: They gathered 
"The pacesetter in leadership РАС re- incarceration we spoke wilh Chong | evidence while 1 was signing pipes 
ceipts is Bill Frist (R.—Ienn.), who as about his conviction. at a head shop in Texas. A line of 
Senate majority leader has raked in sev- fans two blocks long had formed 
en times more in the current election PLAYBOY: You re well-known. Weren't | outside, including these two guys 
cycle than he did in the last. In the first you asking for trouble with this? with backpacks. One went to the 
half of 2003 more money was doled out CHONG: When we started we had no | corner and set his pack down. 
by McConnell's PAC than by thatofany idea that selling pipes was illegal, | had a hidden camera inside—while 
other Republican senator. though we knew better than to sell | the other chose a few pipes. One 
Supporters of BCRA didn't set out to them as marijuana pipes. We sold | guy asked me what made my pipes 
ass a bad law. And yet, whatever the | them as movie memorabilia, as art | so good, and I said, "They're health- 
Supreme Court decides this winter, big or for tobacco. We talked to other | ier because of the water, which filters 
money still wins. The losers are the glassmakers, and they said, "Aslong ош impurities." He said, "So 
99.7 percent of Americans unwilling or as you don't ship to Pennsylvania or | healthier way to smoke pot?" I said, 
unable to contribute. The worst thing lowa you'll be okay." In late 2002 we “Yeah.” They used that as evidence. 
that could happen to the electoral kept getting online orders from PLAYBOY: Did your history hurt you 
process would be for finance reform to Pittsburgh. Му son, who ran the іп court? 
end with the Court’s ruling. That is company, would reject them. But CHONG: The prosecutor told the 
true even if the decision is celebrated as then a salesman we had just judge that 1 had appeared іп шоу- 
a defeat for the Kentucky senator por- filled а $6,000 order from Beaver | ies that glorified pot and trivialized 
trayed as the enemy of reform. Falls, Pennsylvania. It's suspicious. law enforcement. If that's a crime, 


everybody from Police Academy better 
watch their back. 

PLAYBOY: How did the raid go down? 
CHONG: І heard а bang on the door at 
5:30 a.m. When І opened it DEA agents in 
flak jackets rushed in with their guns 
drawn. They went from room to room, 
yelling, "Clear! Clear! Clear!" They kept 
telling me, “You're not under 
arrest! You're not under аг- 
rest!" It was very Alize in Won- 
derland. I asked if an Enron 
executive had gotten loose in 
the neighborhood. 

PLAYBOY: How much pot did 
they find? 

CHONG: They said it was a 
pound. The reason they 
found that much is that my 
fans are always giving me 
stuff, and I don't smoke 
nearly as often as my charac- 
ter does. They took all my 
bongs—I had a lot of them in 
a display cabinet—but left my opium 
pipes, which I also collect. When the feds 
asked the LAPD if they wanted to arrest 
me for the pot, they left in a hurry. It was 
a bong bust, not a pot bust. 

PLAYBOY: Were you surprised by the nine- 
month sentence? 

CHONG: Two guys in Oregon who ran a 
much larger operation got house arrest. 
But I have no animosity toward the prose- 
cutor or the judge. They're doing their 
job, which is to put people away. My job is 
to read the law. 


5: 


(1) Rely on Energy Star 


PLAYBOY: Have you ever done time? 
CHONG: I got arrested for joyriding when 
I was 16. Now I have my first strike. Can't 
own a firearm. Can't vote. Рог becoming 
a misdemeanor everywhere, yet selling a 
smoking device is a felony. 

PLAYBOY: Where do you go with this? 
CHONG: I plan to do all that I can to vote 
the Republicans out of office. 
I see these busts as the equiv- 
alent of dinosaurs thrashing 
their tails as they die. 
PLAYBOY: During your ap- 
pearances before the judge 
you said you would be willing 
to make antidrug ads. What 
would be in them? 

CHONG: The tango. Seven years 
ago my wife took salsa lessons, 
and I saw her perform with 
her teacher. It was so sexy, 
and I was so not involved. I 
started smoking less because. 
it's hard to dance when you're 
stoned. I suggested to the judge that I 
could work with ghetto kids through salsa. 
PLAYBOY: When did you first smoke? 
CHONG: As a teenager. A Chinese jazz 
musician handed me a joint and a Lenny 
Bruce record. 

PLAYBOY: You may find it easier to get 
weed in prison than on the outside. 
CHONG: ГЇЇ have to write you from prison. 
But I won't mention any pot. 

PLAYBOY: М/е could use code. 

CHONG: Dear PLAYBOY, the tomatoes іп 
here are really ripe. 


.THE ENVIRONMENT 


BY CHRISTINE TODD WHITMAN 


a realistic goal that will save thou- 


The Environmental Protection Agency's Sands of lives and billions of dollars 
Energy Star program, which labels without sending costs out of sight. 
products to indicate their efficiency, Congress should also push automak- 
‘saves enough energy each year to pow- ег harder to improve gas mileage. 

er 15 million homes and remove the (4) Recycle land 

pollution equivalent of 15 million cars. We must encourage the redevel- 


It also saves consumers $7 billion. 


(2) Don't muddy the waters 


opment of abandoned properties 
rather than promote sprawl in open 


When you overfertilize your lawn, put areas. Every green acre that is devel- 
too much pesticide on plants or throw oped adds to the strain on public ser- 
butts out car windows, it's almost the Vices, increases the likelihood of 
same as directly polluting our water- Water problems and may contribute to 
ways. Pollution from water runoff, as global warming. 

well as car ой drained onto driveways, (5) Lose the rhetoric 

ends ир in the ocean. As a result, We shouldn't look to the govemment 
every six months our coastlines are for all the answers any more than we 
damaged by as much oil as was spilled should expect business to solve every 


by the Exxon Valdez. 


(3) Seek breathtaking solutions 


problem or nonprofit groups to do 
alone. Regulations have a place, but 


The president's Clear Skies proposal Voluntary efforts can often get us fur- 
would force utilities to reduce the ther, faster, 

emission of their three worst pollu- Whitman headed the EPA from 2001 
tants by 70 percent over 15 years. It's to June 2003. 


MARGINALIA À 


WHEN WILLIAM 
DOLGE returned from 
his work-release program, 
authorities smelled alcohol 
on his breath. He denied he had 
been drinking, saying instead that he'd 
eaten four burritos made with beef 
marinated in beer and tequila. A judge 
asked for the recipe, then let Dolge off. 
's attorney shared the recipe 
with the National Law Journal: (1) Cut 
a 3-pound chuck roast into 2-inch 
pieces, season with salt and pepper. 
dredge in flour, and brown in small 
batches in vegetable oil. (2) Remove 
тезі. (3) Cook 2 chopped yellow 
onions in remaining fat. (4) Add 3 
chopped poblano chilies and 4 seeded 
and minced jalapenos 
and cook 4 minutes. (5) 
Stir in 3 minced cloves 
of garlic and cook 2 | 
minutes. (6) Add 1% 
pounds roasted, peeled 
and chopped tomatillos, (шай, 
2 tablespoons dried 
oregano, 1 tablespoon 
ground cumin and a 
bunch of chopped 
cilantro. (7) Cook the 
meat separately in 
stock until tender, then | 
dry it and marinate in 
a bottle of Irish red 
beer, 1% cups Cuervo |” 
Especial tequila and " 
three quarters of а bottle cf Samuel 
Adams dark ale. (8) Drain, combine 
meat with sauce and serve in tortillas 
with shredded cheese. 


IN THE 217 YEARS since it was 
adopted, the Constitution has been 
updated 27 limes. Last year Repre- 
sentative Jesse Jackson Jr. (D.-1II.) 
proposed adding nine new amend- 
ments: (1) “All citizens of the U.S. 
shall enjoy the right to а public edu- 
cation of equal high quality." (2) "The. 
right to vote shall not be denied or 
abridged by the U.S., any state or any 
other public or private person or entity, 
except that the U.S. or any state may 
establish regulations narrowly tailored 
to produce efficient and honest elec- 
tions." (3) "All citizens of the U.S. 
shall enjoy the right to health care of 
equal high quality." (4) “Equality of 
rights under the law shall not be de- 
nied or abridged by the U.S. or by any 
state on account of sex. Reproductive 
rights for women under the law shall 
not be denied or abridged by the U.S. 
or any state." (5) “All citizens of the 
U.S. shall have a right to decent, safe, 
sanitary and affordable housing.” (6) 
"Ali citizens of the U.S. shall have а 
right to a clean, safe and sustainable 
environment.” (7) "The Congress 
shall tax all persons progressively in 
proportion to the income which they 
respectively enjoy under the protection 
of the U.S." (8) “Every citizen has the 
right to work, to free choice of employ- 
ment, to just and favorable conditions 
of work and to protection against 
unemployment.” (9) “Every citizen, 
without any discrimination, has the 
right to equal pay for equal work. 
Every citizen who works has the right 
to just and favorable remuneration, 


~ 


MARGINALIA 


ensuring for themselves and their. 
family an existence worthy of human 
dignity and supplemented, if neces- 
sary, by other means of social protec- 
tion. Every citizen who works has the 
tight to form and join trade unions 
for the protection of their interests." 


FOUR TIMES EACH YEAR the 
California Department of Corrections 
conducts a census of the roughly 
7,100 prisoners who are serving life 
sentences under the state's three- 
strikes law. For about a third of the. 
inmates the final strike was a robbery. 
ога burglary. Other last straws from 
the most recent report include nar- 
cotics possession (665), weapons 
possession (385), assault with a dead- 
ly weapon (372), assault and battery 
(358), petty theft (349), lewd act with 
а child (236), vehicle theft (225), 
narcotics sales (195), receiving stolen 
property (169), grand theft (120), 
rape (118), forgery or fraud (62), 
murder (57), kidnapping (49), DUI 
(42), manslaughter (38), forced oral 
copulation (29), narcotics manufactur- 
ing (29), selling marijuana (29), arson 
(26), forced penetration with object 
(19), escape (14), forced sodomy 
(11), vehicular manslaughter (8) and 
possessing marijuana to sell (4). 


FROM A MOTION BY PUBLIC 
DEFENDER ERIC VANATTA оп 
behalf of a high school student in 
Fort Collins, Colorado accused of dis- 
orderly conduct (the motion was un- 
earthed by TheSmokingGun.com): 
"The defendant was suspected of 
smoking in the boys' room. When 
confronted, he allegedly called the 
principal 'a fucker, a fag and a fuck- 
ing fag.’ The question presented by 
the case is not whether 2 juvenile 
should be calling his principal a fuck- 
er or a fucking fag. Rather, it is one 
of constitutionality. Although the de- 
fendant could have selected a more 
desirable choice in prose, such as ‘I 
respectíully dissent’ or ‘| am disap- 
pointed with your attitude, sir, and 
politely ask you to cease and desist," 
the use of fucker or fucking nonethe- 
less does not amount to criminal con- 
duct in this context, The statement 'I 
con't need this fucking school any- 
way’ in concert with violently slam- 
ming a door has been found to be 
protected speech. ‘Shut the fuck up’ 
and words to the effect of ‘Don't let 
the door hit you on the ass on the 
мау out’ were ruled to be protected. 
^ juvenile calling a police officer 
"fucking pig, fucking kangaroo’ dur- 
ing a traffic contact was found to Бе 
protected, A juvenile telling her prin- 
cipal, ‘Fuck this, 1 don't have to take 
this shit’ and "Fuck you, 1 don't have 
to do what you tell me‘ was found to 
be protected, The state has the pow- 
er to protect its citizenry from actual 
harm and thus the power to outlaw 
one yelling ‘Fire!’ in a crowded 
theater. However, yelling "Fuck! in 

а crowded theater does not create a 
clear and present danger.” Vanatta 
didn't get a chance to argue his mo- 
tion. Instead, he cut a deal that al- 
lowed the student to have the charge 
dismissed if he stayed out of trouble, 


he U.S. has expanded the vote from 

rich white males to include every com- 

I petent adult, with two exceptions: pris- 
oners and ex-cons. Only Maine and Vermont 
allow inmates to vote. In most states even 
felons free on parole or probation cannot cast 
ballots; in others, they must wait up to five 
years alter their release. Some states restrict 
felons even if they were convicted elsewhere. 
Florida, Iowa, Kentucky, Mississippi and Vir- 
ginia effectively ban ex-cons from the polls 
forever. Today the patchwork of laws pre- 
vents an estimated 3 million Americans from. 
voting, including up to 13 percent of black 
men. The fact that the hundreds of thou- 
sands of released felons living in Florida 


DEBUNKER 


could easily have swung the 2000 election 
has not gone unnoticed. Activists argue that. 
barring felons from voting is a de facto viola- 
tion of the Voting Rights Act, which forbids 
racism. (Following the Civil War, Southern 
legislators disenfranchised felons convicted 
of what they saw as "black crimes"—wife beat- 
ing, for example, but not murder. Today the 
chief culprits are drug laws.) More felons 
will be at the polls this fall. Alabama has re- 
stored the vote to most ex-cons. Connecticut 
enfranchised those on probation. Nevada 
added first-time nonviolent offenders. Vir- 
ginia felons must still petition the governor, 
but he reduced the application from 13 pages 
plus four recommendations to a single page. 


MYTH: 


THE MAIN HINDRANCE TO NUCLEAR POWER IS 
THE PUBLIC'S CONCERN ABOUT ITS SAFETY 


REALITY: Safety isn't the real 
issue. Nuke power hasn't be- 
come ubiquitous in the U.S. һе- 
cause it's so damn expensive, 
Even after decades of subsi- 
dies, it can't compete with oth- 
erforms of energy. The cost of a 
kilowatt-hour of electricity gen- 
erated by nuclear power (in- 
cluding plant costs, as required 
when estimating the price per 
unit for other forms of energy) is 
about seven cents. The national 
average for a kilowatt-hour from 
coal is roughly five cents, and 
from natural gas, four cents. 
Wind power, at three to five 


cents a kilowatt-hour on average, 
is already cheaper than nuclear 
power. What's more amazing 


about the continuing high cost 
of nuclear power is the scale of 
subsidies lavished on the in- 


dustry. In the past 50 years 
wind, sclar and nuclear power 
combined have been federally 
funded to the tune of $145 bil- 
lion. Although 95 percent of 
those funds went to nuclear en- 
ergy, the other two forms man- 
aged dramatic drops in ш 
costs. Some versions of the 
White House-backed energy 
bill offer federal loan guaran- 
tees to cover half the cost of 
the first new nuclear plants to 
be built in 30 years. The Con- 
gressional Budget Office warns 
that it expects these plants to 
be “uneconomic to operate." 


FORUM 


NEWSFRONT 


Bust of Freedom 
KINGSTON, JAMAICA—City Officials commis- 
sioned bronze sculptures for a downtown 
park to mark the anniversary of the abo: 
lition of slavery. Titled Redemption Song, 
the 11-foot-tall statues caused an uproar. 
Here is a sampling of the reactions: 

Lloyd Smith of The Jamaican Daily 
Observer: "This can be described as a 
rape of our democracy. What does nudity 
have to do with emancipation?" 

Mark Wignall, also of the Daily Ob- 
server: "Just because Europe's classical 
statues had small penises does not mean 
Jamaica must follow suit." 

Kingsley Thomas, chairman of the 
Emancipation Park Trust: "Anyone who 
sees two naked bodies and the first thing 
that comes to their mind is sex is sick. It's 
two people washing away the vestiges of 
slavery and human subjugation." 


Load, Shift, Copy 

PRINCETON, NEW JERSEI— The chief executive of 
a company that makes an anticopying system 
for CDs threatened to sue a Princeton student 
who had published a paper on how to circum- 
vent the technology. The student's conclusion: 
If you hold down the shift key for 30 seconds 
each time you load a CD with MediaMax, the 
music can be copied without restriction. The 
company says it believes most people won't 
do this because they know it's not right—and 
because they want access to bonus features. 


Blow-Job Victims 

BEAVER, PENNSYLVANIA—Encouraged by class- 
mates, a seventh-grade girl gave a boy a blow 
job on the school bus. After officials expelled 
both students, the girl’s mother appealed the 
decision, noting that the school’s policy did 
not specifically state that students can't have 
sex оп the bus. Earlier, in suburban Detroit, 
the parents of an eighth-grade boy who wes 
suspended after receiving oral sex during class 
sued the district, claiming their son couldn't 
escape the BJ because his leg was іп a cast. 


Wild Blue Yonder 
COLORADO SPRINGS, COLORADO—An Air Force 
Academy cadet built a porn site from his dorm 
room to advertise sex parties, which he video- 
taped and sold online for $14 each. When the 
brass found out, they charged the cadet with 
conduct unbecoming an officer. A military 
judge told the entrepreneur, “In a twisted way 
you demonstrated the leadership and manage- 
ment skills sought by the Air Force.” Then he 
sentenced him to nine months in prison. 


Electric Encounter 

CAMBRIDGE, MASSACHUSETTS—The No-Contact 
Jacket is the latest in self-defense outerwear. 
If a woman feels threatened, she turns a key 
in the sleeve and 
squeezes a trigger 
Anyone who touch- 
es the fabric gets an 
80,000-volt shock. 
Designed by an MIT 
scientist and his 
girlfriend, the $900 
coat has a lofty pur- 
pose. Namely, its 
creators believe that 
"protecting and em- 
powering the fe- z 

male body from unauthorized contact will 
allow a woman to inhabit her environment in 
a more confident way and thus redefine and 
renegotiate her physical space and identity.” 


No Español 

PAPILLION, NEERASKA—A judge hearing a visita- 
tion dispute ordered a Mexican American father 
not to speak "Hispanic" to his five-year-old 
daughter. The girl's mother, who is Polish 
American, said the girl had complained that 
her ex-con father spoke Spanish too often. 
The judge said it wasn't fair to the girl to "put. 
her in a situation where people are communi- 
cating in a language she doesn't understand." 
In a similar case in Texas in 1995, a judge 
told a mother in a custody dispute that by 
speaking Spanish to her five-year-old she was 
"abusing the child and relegating her to the 
position of a housemaid." He later apologized. 


My firm represented Oliverio Martinez, 
who was interrogated by police while 
in intense pain іп an emergency room 
without being read his Miranda rights 
("Intensive Care: Interrogation or Tor- 
ture?" The Playboy Forum, October). 
He took his case to the Supreme 
Court, which ruled against his Fifth 
Amendment claim. 

I would like to dispel any impression 
left by your commentary that aggres- 
sive questioning or coercion by police 
now has the approval of the Court. You 
quote only the part of Justice Clarence 
Thomas's majority opinion in which 
he says that failure to give a Miranda 
warning is not a sufficient basis for a 
lawsuit against the officer who interro- 
gated Martinez. Justice David Souter 
wrote a second majority opinion that 
sent the case back to a lower court to. 
decide if Martinez's due process rights. 
had been violated. That court said they 
had been. The suit is now before a 
trial court but has not been resolved. 

You call Justice Ruth Bader Gins- 
Бете э opinion a dissent. But she 
affirmed Souter's opinion, calling the 
right to remain silent “one of the 
great landmarks in man's struggle to 
make himself civilized." The privilege, 
she wrote, "should instruct and con- 
trol all of officialdom." 

Thankfully it is Ginsberg's vision 
that remains in force and not that of 
your writer, who concludes that 
“excruciating methods of interroga- 
tion appear to be excusable—as long, 
as prosecutors do not charge you." 

В. Samuel Paz 
Culver City, California. 


1 represent Ben Chavez, the officer 
accused of being too aggressive while 
questioning Martinez. Police in- 
terrogation can cross the 
"conscience-shocking level," but the 
Supreme Court says that occurs only 
if the questioning is both "intended to 
injure in some way and unjustifiable 
by any government interest." The trial 
court will decide that issue. In today's 
society police must be granted wide lat- 
itude to protect the rights of the public. 
‘Alan Wisotsky 
Oxnard, California 


Martinez rode his bike down a dark 
path in an area known for narcotics 
activity, fled after a knife was discov- 
ered in his waistband (who carries a 
knife like that?) and took an officer's 
gun. Chavez's "aggressive" inter- 
Togation basically consisted of asking, 
“What happened?" Isn't it conceivable 
that Chavez, who arrived after the in- 
cident, was merely checking the facts 
against what he had been told by the 
arresting officers? There are times 
‘when cops abuse their power, but 
this doesn't sound like one of them. 
Glen Vick 
Sacramento, California 


E-mail: forum@playboy.com. Or 
write: 730 Fifth Avenue, New York, 


New York 10019. 


FORUM 


KEEP EXE FROM VOTING ACT 


ER HOW WE 


he U.S. has the world's 
oldest continuous de- 
I mocracy—and one of 


the world's lowest voter turn- 
outs. Those Americans who 
do attempt to vote are often 
prevented from doing so. The 
presidential election of 2000— 
which was such a mess that the 
Supreme Court had to inter- 
vene—is merely the most pro- 
minent example of how voters 
are kept from the polls. 

To fix these problems, Con- 
gress passed the Help Amer- 
ica Vote Act in October 2002. 

On the surface the legisla- 

tion looks fine. It defines what 
constitutes a vote and requires 

states to allow voters to correct 

ballot errors. It also autho- 

rizes $325 million to update 

the sort of archaic punch card 

systems that caused such dif- 
ficulties in Florida, although. 

the preferred solution—touch 

screens — presents its own op- 
portunities for fraud. Last 

fall the ACLU sued unsuc- 
cessfully to delay the guber- 
natorial recall in California, 
arguing that thousands of votes in six 
counties with large minority popula- 
tions would not be counted because of 
punch card errors. 

The media discussion is dominated 
by white men who sec the loss of minor- 
ity votes as not a big deal. Booker T. 
Washington warned white Americans 
that the injustices they practiced against 
black Americans might eventually be 
used against them. Exemplifying this 
process was the sting aimed at Washing- 
ton, D.C. mayor Marion Barry. The 
media played the Barry entrapment for 
laughs. But emboldened prosecutors 
later tried to ensnare President Clinton. 
Similarly, those who apparently desire 
one-party rule might decide to disen- 
franchise white voters next. Republi- 
cans in committee added provisions to 
the Help America Vote Act that could 
be viewed as sinister moves to reduce 
votes cast by Democrats. One such ad- 
dition to the act requires voters to pro- 
vide a driver's license number (or, if 
they lack one, to disclose the last four 
digits of their Social Security number). 
First-time voters must show identifica- 


WERE 


JING TO FIX THE FLC 


BY ISHMAEL REED 


HELP AME! 


Ф VETO 


[U] 


tion, preferably a photo ID, at the polls. 
You could argue that such provisions 
are biased against low-income voters, 
particularly minorities. A Justice De- 
partment study in Louisiana in 1994 
found that blacks there were four to 
five times less likely than whites to have 
a driver's license or photo ID. 

HAVA doesn't address a major rea- 
son that thousands were cast off the 
rolls in Florida. There was evidence that 
Republican officials had waged a cam- 
paign to di 
"In the months leading up to the bal- 
loting,” 
“Florida secretary of state Katherine 
Harris, in coordination with Governor 
Jeb Bush, ordered local elections super- 
visors to purge 57,700 voters from reg- 
istries" because they “were felons not 
entitled to vote." According to Palast, 90 
percent of these people weren't felons. 
But they were largely African Americans 
and Hispanics (about £ 
most of them were also Democrat: 

The disclosure drew a yawn. When 
members of the Congressional Black 
Caucus sought to object formally to 


a- JM 


nfranchise black voters. 


writes journalist Greg Palast, 


land. 


percent), and 


)RIDA I 


the counting of Florida's 
electoral votes, no senator 
would sponsor them. The 
media cast them as mal- 
contents. "Except for the 
black community and some 
die-hard partisans," wrote 
Thomas Patterson in The 
Vanishing Voter, "the Florida 
wrangling was cause for nei- 
ther anger nor anxiety. Only 
10 percent believed it to be 
a constitutional crisis, and 
within two weeks, half said 
the dispute had gone on too 
long already." (After the 1876 
Hayes-Tilden election—when 
Tilden won the vote and 
Hayes gained office by com- 
promising with pro-Con- 
federate Democrats—people 
took to the streets.) 

1f you consider the Repub- 
lican amendments to HAVA, 
the California recall election 
(in which people with links 
to the White House played a 
role), the FBI bugging of 
Philadelphia's black mayor 
(revealed a few weeks before 
an election), the purging of 


voters in the 2000 election, the suspi- 
cious redistricting of Texas and the use 
of Republican poll watchers in black 
districts during the Kentucky guberna- 
torial race, you might conclude that 
elements in the Republican Party are 
intent on disenfranchising those they 
can't persuade through argument and 
debate. You might even 2 
fort has been an attempt by the GOP to 
paint the Democrats as the party of 
blacks and Latinos, as opposed to the 
Republicans, the party of whites. 

“We need more active monitoring of 
elections by nonpartisan black organi- 
zations,” says Ron Walter 
government at the University of Mary: 
lack voters need to know their 
voting rights. We have to clear up voter- 
eligibility problems. And we need to 
file suit for violations of voting rights." 

Wouldn't it be ironic if, under a new, 

onceived version of manifest des- 

, with the U.S. spending hundreds 
of billions of dollars to drag other 
countries, kicking and screaming, into 
а democratic form of government, we 
lost democracy at home? 


ume the ef- 


s, professor of 


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PLAYBOY 


stir the senses 


(©2003 R.J. REYNOLDS TOBACCO CO. 


raxsor interview: KIEFER SUTHERLAND 


A candid. conversation with the star of 24 about what really happened. with 
Julia Roberts, his dad's worst advice and why his show is like Dynasty on crack 


No one has worse days than Jack Bauer. For 
the lead character of 24—the hit Fox series 
told in real time, with each episode present- 
ing 60 minutes from Bauer's day for 24 
shows—every hour is а bad hour, full of more 
deaths, disasters and family problems than 
the Sopranos face in a year. Starring Kiefer 
Sutherland as a key member of the U.S. 
Counter Terrorist Unit, the show in its first 
season dealt with a plot to assassinate а pres- 
idential candidate, the kidnapping of Bauer's 
daughter and the murder of his wife. The 
second season included a nuclear bomb 
going off in the Mojave Desert. And those 
were among Bauer's less eventful hours 
This season he tries to foil the release of a 
deadly virus on U.S. soil. 

For Sutherland, 24 is the proverbial second 
chance. A leading man in the 1980s—an un- 
official member of the Brat Pack, which in- 
cluded Rob Lowe, Emilio Estevez and Sean 
Penn—he found heroic roles tougher to come 
by in the 1990s. His popularity took a major 
hit when girlfriend Julia Roberts dumped him 
just days before their highly publicized wed- 
ding, creating a media feeding frenzy not 
unlike that surrounding Ben and J. Lo. 
Sutherland’s career seemed to peak in his 20s, 
and from there he was relegated to quirky in- 
die flicks and standard-issue psychopath roles 
in films such as A Time to Kill. Now, with 24, 
he's a hero again, an actual TV star in an era 


“You can’t do all these interviews about how 
wonderful you both are and then when it 
falls apart six days before your wedding not 
expect people to have a shot at you. I know 
Julia and 1 unwittingly asked for it.” 


when most shows bank on ensemble casts. The 
success of 24 hasn't hurt his movie career, ei- 
ther; Taking Lives, in which he stars with An- 
gelina Jolie, comes out this month. 

Born Kiefer William Frederick Dempsey 
George Rufus Sutherland (his father, actor 
Donald Sutherland, bestowed those names 
on him and another seven on Kiefer’s twin 
sister, Rachel) in London on December 21, 
1966, he grew up in Toronto. Kiefer's moth- 
ез Shirley Douglas, is an actress and a polit- 
ical activist. His parents separated when he 
and his sister were four. 

Sutherland was a spirited and defiant kid 
who decided to quit school before his 16th 
birthday. He lived like a fugitive, sleeping in 
the park or at different friends’ homes until 
his father agreed to help him out on the 
promise that he would reenroll in school. He 
did, but Sutherland also auditioned for film 
parts and landed the lead in an acclaimed 
Canadian film, The Bay Boy, School sud- 
denly became a dead issue. 

Sutherland left Canada to do commercials 
in New York City. At the age of 18 he drove to 
Los Angeles, where he shared a house with 
four other young actors, including Robert 
Downey Jr and Sarah Jessica Parker. He 
quickly made a name for himself in two 1986 
films, At Close Range, with Sean Penn and 
Christopher Walken, and Stand By Me, as a 
small-town bully. Other notable films followed: 


“Do 1 think it’s important to the show that 
Jack eventually dies and does so when you 
least expect it? Yeah. It will be very obvious 
when people start going, ‘Oh, please. How 
many bad days can one guy have?" 


The Lost Boys, Young Guns, Flatliners, A Few 
Good Men, The Cowboy Way and Dark City. 

After learning to ride and to rope, Suther- 
land decided lo take a break from acting to 
compete in rodeos; he won his first competi- 
tion in Phoenix. He lived on a Montana 
ranch for six years and then owned a 500- 
head cattle rauch in central California for а 
while before returning to LA. 

When he was 20 he married Camelia 
Kath. They have a daughter, Sarah, but the 
marriage didn't last. In 1991 Sutherland 
was engaged 10 Roberts, whom he'd met 
while filming Flatliners. Sutherland married 
again in 1996 and is currently separated. 

PLAYBOY sent Contributing Editor Law- 
rence Grobel lo talk with Sutherland during 
the filming of 24 to see if his real days are аз 
intense as his fictional ones. 

PLAYBOY: You're partway through the 
third season of 24. Any burnout? 
SUTHERLAND: No, and I like that Jack is 
actually driving it this timc. It's a signifi- 
cant shift in the nature of our show. 
PLAYBOY: Do you mean that your charac- 
ter is less of a victim? 

SUTHERLAND: One of the main differ- 
ences this year is that, before, all the se- 
crets and moles were things for Jack to 
figure out; Jack is the secret this time. 
The show deals with a virus that is 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY DAVID ROSE 


"I did drugs when I was 18, before Sarah 
was born. Г liked the ceremony, the ritual of 
preparing cocaine as much as doing it. 1 did 
il for a year, loved it and then stopped. Now 
1 feel the same way about cooking.” 


55 


PLAYBOY 


56 


allegedly carried into the U.S. through 
Mexico in a bag of cocaine. Jack's the on- 
ly one who knows what's going on. No 
one else does, not even the president. 
This operation is something that he 
elected to do. In the eighth or ninth 
episode he finally tells the president 
what's happening. 

PLAYBOY: Не tells him about the virus? 
SUTHERLAND: Yes, and how he plans to 
obtain it. Everything up to that point— 
who really has it and what Jack's been 
doing—has been a lie. 

PLAYBOY: And what happens? 
SUTHERLAND: Not a lot І can tell you, ex- 
cept that there are some serious surprises 
We have only a general idea of where it's 
going for six episodes at a time. The last 
six, nobody yet knows. 

PLAYBOY: Ís it a struggle to keep 
the show from going too far 
over the top? 

SUTHERLAND: We're always flirt- 
ing with that. It's like Dynasty 
on crack 

PLAYBOY: Do you see Jack Bauer 
as a kind of superhero? 
SUTHERLAND: No, the opposite. 
I like the fact that this is a guy 
who is obviously talented at 
what he does, yet he also strug- 
gled with a marriage that was 
not working. He's in charge of 
the security of a nation but has 
a hard time handling a 16-year- 
old daughter. I like that a lot 
PLAYBOY: Were you against end- 
ing the first season on such a 
grim note, with the murder of 
your wife? 

SUTHERLAND: Yes, vehemently. 
But I was wrong. It taught me 
that our show is not a democra- 
cy. There is a pecking order, 
and I'm third or fourth in line. 
PLAYBOY: Is it true that you 
wanted Jack to die at the end оГ 
the second season? 
SUTHERLAND: No, Га like to do 
the show as long as possible. Do 
I think it's important to the 
show that Jack eventually dies 
and does so when you least ex- 


Eq 
ЕГО: 
The wo 


PLAYBOY: Do you have a piece of the show 
so you'll get residuals forever? 
SUTHERLAND: Not like Ray Romano has 
with his, but I'm doing fine. 

PLAYBOY: You're a second-generation ac- 
tor. Is it true you didn't really become 
aware of your father as an actor until 
you were 18? 

SUTHERLAND: I was staying with a friend of 
our family's who had most of my father's 
films on videotape. 1 watched Kelly's 
Heroes, MASH, Don't Look Now, The Eagle 
Has Landed, Fellini's Casanova and Start the 
Revolution. Without Me. Га seen Eye of the 
Needle, Ordinary People and The Dirty Dozen 
I remember feeling really embarrassed as 
a son not to have known how good he 
was. I phoned him and told him that. I 


few of u: 


| 


УС 


Jidn't full 


We were in Quebec, where my dad has 
this fantastic farm, and we were taking а 
walk through the fields. I asked him 
what he thought. He said, "It will be 
great. Just approach marriage as if you 
were a butler. And then you can take 
pleasure in putting toothpaste on her 
toothbrush and in cooking for her. Just 
really enjoy that.” I looked at him cross- 
eyed and went, “What the fuck are you 
talking about?” Anyway, I got married, 
and we had a beautiful daughter, but we 
didn’t stay married for longer than 18 
months. About four years later 1 was 
working with someone who had worked 
for my father for years, and I told him 
this story. He said, “Yeah, your dad told 
me about that question and his response. 
I said, ‘Why on earth would 
you tell him that? And he said, 
“I don't know. I didn't know 
what to say!" I loved my father 
for that. You do your best, and 
sometimes you just have to 
wing it. To say the obvious— 
"Oh, sweetheart, I think you're 
making the worst decision of 
your life”—is very hard when 
you think someone's excited 
aboutsomething. But that story. 
makes me laugh. 

PLAYBOY: Following that mar- 
riage was the public fiasco in 
1991 when your engagement to 
Julia Roberts ended a few days 
before the wedding. When you 
read about Billy Bob and An- 
gelina, or Ben and J. Lo, do 
you get a sense of "been there, 
done that"? 

SUTHERLAND: I know what it's 
like to be in love with someone 
and have that trivialized. I also 
know that Julia and I unwit- 
tingly asked for it. You can't do 
all these interviews about how 
wonderful and fantastic you 
both are and then when it falls 
apart six days before your wed- 
ding not expect people to have 
a shot at you. І could see the 
wave building behind our 
heads when we broke up. I 


pect it? Yeah. It will be very 
obvious when people start going, “Oh, 
please. How many bad days can one guy 
have?" The real star of the show is the 
time format. The only way the show can 
continue for a real long time, like Law 
€ Order, is by changing the cast. 

PLAYBOY: Prior to 24, your movie career 
seemed based on playing psychos, 
creeps and outcasts. 

SUTHERLAND: It’s a living. 

PLAYBOY: You've gone from that to a 
heroic leading man. 

SUTHERLAND: It's one of the few opportu- 
nities I've had to do something like that. 
1 don't look like your typical heroic lead- 
ing man per se. It's not like I couldn't 
have done it five or 10 years ago; it just 
wasn't there. 


was sorry that I didn't know him better. 

: What type of advice did your 
father give you about acting? 
SUTHERLAND: Dor't get caught lying. 
PLAYBOY: How do you know when you're 
lying during a performance? 
SUTHERLAND: You can feel it. 1f you're 
trying to squeeze too much out of some- 
thing, you'll know when you're bulls! 
ting. Or if you're being lazy, you'll know 
that as well 

PLAYBOY: Has he ever given you any 
other advice? 

SUTHERLAND: Hc gave me some horrible 
advice about getting married. It's such a 
sweet, funny story. I got married when 1 
was very young, 20 years old. I loved 
that person, but I was nervous about it. 


knew we'd have to hold our 
breath, because it was going to hurt. And 
it felt like that. But, like when you get hit 
by a rather large wave, if you relax, it will 
spin you around and spit you back out 
If you fight it, you'll drown. 1 feel very 
bad for any couple trying to deal with 
how complicated that can be. 
PLAYBOY: When you split up, were you 
the one who was in shock? 
SUTHERLAND: ] was a little more sur- 
prised than she was. She made the right 
decision. I spent two years with her be- 
cause 1 loved her; she mattered more to 
me than anything at that time. We met 
when we were doing Flatliners; then 
Pretty Woman came out. It was just this 
amazing ascent for her. And she very 
cleverly said, “Ї don't think this mar- 


riage is the right thing." It vas brave of 
her, knowing the expectations people 
had for that wedding. 

PLAYBOY: How dramatic was this breakup? 
Was there screaming, crying, broken 
pottery...? 

SUTHERLAND: No, it wasover really quick. 
PLAYBOY: Did you resent it? 
SUTHERLAND: I don't know about "re- 
sent." We were both kind of hurt. I was 
sad. I'm not the easiest person to be with, 
and it made me look at myself that way, 
which no one ever really wants to do. 
PLAYBOY: She doesn't seem like the easiest 
person to be with, if you look at her life 
since then. 

SUTHERLAND: During the time we had to- 
gether, I'd have to say she was. She was 
one of the funniest people Гуе ever 
known—but I don't know her now. We 
don't talk. Our lives have gone different 
ways. But then, I thought she was the 
bee's knees. 

PLAYBOY: Do you follow her work? 
SUTHERLAND: I thought she was fantastic 
іп Erin Brockovich. 

PLAYBOY: You married Kelly Winn in 
1996. Why marry instead of just living 
together? 

SUTHERLAND: Kelly was who I wanted to 
be with. I wanted a nice wedding. I 
bought into that. 

PLAYBOY: Whar's the worst thing you ever 
did to someone you loved? 

SUTHERLAND: Lied. Lied to my mother. In 
my second marriage, to my wife. She was 
my best friend, and that burt her. 
PLAYBOY: Did that lie involve your being 
with another woman? 

SUTHERLAND: Yes. 

PLAYBOY: Isn't that a kind of inevitable lie 
that most of us would tell because some- 
times the truth can be more painful? 
SUTHERLAND: I shouldn't have done it. 
The lie was that I said I was going to be- 
have a certain way and I didn't. The lie 
was way at the beginning. 

PLAYBOY: You married young both times. 
SUTHERLAND: I married when I was 20, 
and it lasted for a year and a half. I got 
married again when I was 27, and Kelly 
and I separated two and а half years ago. 
"Then I had a girlfriend for a year but 
not another marriage. I've been married 
only twice. Only. How stupid is that? 
PLAYBOY: Are you embarrassed about that? 
SUTHERLAND: Yes. 

PLAYBOY: What have you learned? 
SUTHERLAND: You have to be a little 
smarter going into it. I can understand 
making a poor choice about what you 
want to do with your entire life at the age 
of 20, but the second time, I screwed 
that up. Мете still really good friends. I 
raised Kelly's two sons with her. 
PLAYBOY: What's your take on marriage 
now? 

SUTHERLAND: Marriage is not sometbing 
I want to do again. I took a couple of 
swings at it and struck out. I'm done. 
PLAYBOY: Is that why you took cooking. 
lessons? 


EXPERIMENTS IN REAL TIME 


Running a movie or a TV show by the clock isn't new—or easy 


Rope (1948) Alfred Hitchcock's attempt to 
show 80 minutes in one continuous shot 
presents two smug МопһоНоп roommotes 
who strangle a prep school dossmote, 
stuff his corpse into a trunk end then host 
o dinner porty for his friends ond family. 
Drawback: Hitchcock disguises the reel 
chonges with such cheesy tricks as zoom- 
ing in оп a choracter's jacket. 

Final word: It's nifty, but we prefer 
Hitchcock's Psycho shower scene or the 
crop-duster chase in North by Northwest. 


High Noon (1952) Old West lowman 
Gary Cooper just wants a quiet life with 
Grace Kelly. Instead he faces o band of 
sleazebuckets in o showdown. The осоп 
starts at 10:40 A.M. and goes to noon— 
the clossic film's final 80 minutes. 
Drawback: Those endless reprises of 
“о Not Forsoke Me, Oh My Darlin’” 
moke time seem to stond still. 

Final word: If those ticking clocks seem 
old-school, it's only because so mony 
lesser movies have ripped them off. 


Nick of Time (1995) This tepid thriller 
features Johnny Depp os a Joe Average 
picked on by evildoers who kidnap his 
daughter, shove a gun into his hand ond 
give him 75 minutes to kill the governor 
of Californio or lose his child forever. 
Drawback: Many clocks are shown for 
90 preposterous minutes. But nothing 
reolly cool could hoppen until the last 10 
minutes, right? Except nothing does. 
Final word: No wonder it’s the movie 
Depp never tolks about. 


24 (2001) In the space of 24 hours—or 
24 episodes o seoson—counterterrorism 
осе Jack Bauer races the clock; so far he's 
dealt with everything from assossinotion 
threats, nuclear bombs and creepy viruses 
to a murdered wife and the disappeor- 
| ence of his nubile teenoge doughter. 

'| Drawback: In reolity, driving anywhere 
in LA. takes at least 45 minutes; Jack 
| Bauer olways makes it in seconds. 
Final word: The plots ore ingenious, but 
the show stretches its gimmick to the limit. 


Watching Ellie (2002) This megoflop 
NBC sitcom featured Julio Louis-Dreyfus 
balancing her career with her chaotic per- 
sonal life while a timer in the corner of the 
screen ticked off the show's 22 minutes— 
pausing for commerciols, of course. 
Drawback: Poinful plots obout over- 
flowing toilets and yo-yo mood svings 
mode 22 minutes fly by like 22 hours. 
Final word: The timer wos a distraction, 
but of least you could cook an egg while 
you watched. —Stephen Rebello 


57 


PLAYBOY 


SUTHERLAND: Kelly got me those when I 
started living оп my own. She said, 
“Trust me, sweetheart, you'd better start 
to learn how to cook." I went. 

PLAYBOY: So now you know how to pre- 
pare a meal? 

SUTHERLAND: I did drugs when I was 18, 
before Sarah was born. I liked the сеге- 
mony, the ritual of preparing cocaine as 
much as doing it. 1 did it for a year, loved 
it and then stopped. 1 feel the same way 
about cooking. It's an amazing time to fo- 
cus on something else. You work out a lot 
of stuff for your day. I run dialogue in my 
head. It’s a nice, quiet time. 

PLAYBOY: What about dope? 

SUTHERLAND: Not anymore. I could never 
really handle pot. This is a really embar- 
rassing story. My main pot experience 
was in New York. I had a girlfriend, and 
she suggested that pot was good for sex. 
So I went running to Central Park and 
picked up a dime bag, came back, rolled 
a joint. We smoked it while watching TV. 
Before you knew it we were kissing and 
starting to make love. I got really stoned, 
and my mind started drifting off some- 
where else—thinking about what I had 
to do the next day, when I had to be at 
work, wondering what my parents were 
doing, where my sister was. I thought 
about everything except sex. At one point 
I remembered to focus. 1 was moving 
very quickly, and I thought, Oh my god, 
I'm going to kill this person; I'd better 
come. And 1 did. І remember specifically 
that before we started kissing there was a 
very funny car salesman on the television, 
riding an elephant. When we ended I 
felt great and thought my girlfriend was 
right—this was fantastic. I rolled over, 
and the car salesman was just waving 
good-bye. All of this had taken place in 
the span of a two-minute commercial. I 
said, "Okay, thar's it. Por's not for me." 
PLAYBOY: You actually had a cattle ranch 
in central California for a while. 
SUTHERLAND: I did, but no longer. I had 
500 cows; we would birth about 450 
calves a year. І had to make a decision: 
Did I want to raise cattle or be an actor? 
After about two years of that it was clear 
what I wanted to do. I would wake up 
each morning and ask myself, What am 1 
going to find out that I don't know how 
to do already? I can ride well, handle 
cattle, castrate a calf—but 1 had to learn. 
PLAYBOY: How did your cowboy phase 
start? 

SUTHERLAND: I'd been roping since I was 
20, since Young Guns. 1 had learned 
enough to be on the cusp of knowing 
that if I pushed it a little further I could 
really do it. When I was practicing I 
would rope everything. Га sit in my 
hotel and rope the chair by the desk. 1 
once roped a girl on The Cowboy Way; she 
was bringing coffee to an actor, with a 
clipboard in her other hand, and I 
roped both her feet from behind a tele- 
phone pole. Before I could let go the 


58 knot went down, and she went down. I 


really didn't mean that. I felt so horrible. 
PLAYBOY: How do you compare learning 
10 rope with other things you've done in 
your life? 

SUTHERLAND: I never got to finish school 
or go to college, and 1 missed that. I 
missed the socialization. All of a sudden 
I'm 25, driving around the country with 
two funny guys in a truck with three 
horses—those were my college years. 
PLAYBOY: So your ranch is gone. What 
has replaced it? 

SUTHERLAND: I built a recording studio 
and put everything I had in it. I have a 
phenomenal vintage guitar collection, 
more than 50 of them. Some are in the 
$20,000 range. 1 buy them for their 
playability. 

PLAYBOY: How many bands have you 
discovered and produced for your 
company, Ironworks? 

SUTHERLAND: Гуе never produced а 
band—1 finance them. My partner, Jude 
Cole, is the producer. He's a musical 
genius. On our label now we have four 
bands. We're in the process of making 
their records. 

PLAYBOY: Would you like to become a 


We had gotten our asses 
kicked, and the only thing I 
could say was, “Pue got to 
learn to punch like that.” Pue 
always had a very different 
reaction to such situations. 


music mogul? 

SUTHERLAND: It was never my intention. 
For 30 years you had white music rip off 
and absolutely dominate black music. 
Now African American urban music 
dominates everything. Ї want to try to 
help maintain a balance. A lot of artists 
aren't getting fair radio play. 

PLAYBOY: Do you feel there's discrimina- 
tion in the music business? 

SUTHERLAND: Always has been. For years 
the discrimination was completely 
against black artists. Only recently has 
that turned. It turned because black 
artists took it upon themselves to basi- 
cally do what I'm doing. They said, 
“Fuck this. I'll sell my stuff in my neigh- 
borhood out of the back of my car." And 
then suddenly big companies start mak- 
ing them offers of $140 million because 
they were the only thing selling. 
PLAYBOY: You currently live in a decided- 
ly edgy part of Los Angeles. Do you ever 
feel you're in danger? 

SUTHERLAND: In my neighborhood the 
two major gangs are Salvadoran and 
Ukrainian. I walk my dog at night, and 
when I go around the block there are 
these guys who you know are serious 


gangbangers. I have a border collie— 
you walk around Brentwood with a dog 
and kids will run up to it. In my neigh- 
borhood kids just freak out and run to 
their mothers, because everybody's got a 
pit bull trained to attack. I love that shift. 
“There's a line somewhere between West- 
ern and Vermont avenues where dogs 
become mean. 

PLAYBOY: You get around L.A. by subway. 
Do you get recognized? 

SUTHERLAND: Yes, but Гуе found іп any sit- 
uation—a bar, restaurant, hospital—when 
someone recognizes you, you go, “How 
you doing?" The second you do that, they 
go, "I'm good. How are you?" And you 
say, "Good, man. Talk to you later." 
PLAYBOY: What about the guy who wants 
totakea swing at you, for bragging rights? 
SUTHERLAND: That happens. It depends 
оп my mood. Catch me on a day when I 
feel I don't need this, and whack! 
PLAYBOY: How did you wind up with a 
piece of broken bottle in your elbow? 
SUTHERLAND: I lived in Montana for about 
six years. I got in a fight with two Army 
guys. They were kicking my ass, and 
there was broken glass on the ground 
where we were rolling around. A couple 
of years ago I broke my wrist and went to 
get an X-ray, and they saw something in 
my elbow. It was glass. The doctor wanted 
to open my elbow to remove it, but I said, 
"No, it's fine. Leave it there." 

PLAYBOY: Have you gotten into many 
fights? 

SUTHERLAND: A few. A lot when I was 
young, in school. The first one vas be- 
cause someone made fun of my sister, and 
I told him not to or I'd hurt him. I was 12, 
and when I walked away the kid jumped 
on my back—scared the life out of me. I 
reached over and grabbed him, got him. 
in a headlock and kneed him. It vas out 
ofabsolute panic and fear. I fractured his 
cheekbone. 1 knew I was in a lot of trou- 
ble. I felt sick about what I had done to 
him. 1 also could already sense that no 
one was going to treat me the same in that 
school—an incredible power had shifted. 
All of that was going on in my head. 

I haven't been in a fight for 10 years. 
Fifty percent of my fights I’ve lost. My 
last one, I was 26, in Toronto. I hurt this 
guy. He touched my vife in an inappro- 
priate way at the bar without realizing 
she was my wife. 1 was playing pool with 
him, and she was sitting with my brother. 
I said to him, "You had a bit to drink, I 
understand, but to save my face could 
you please apologize to my wife?" "No." 
So I said, “Dude, please, I'm begging 
you. You shouldn't have touched her." 
He said, “She asked me to.” J hit him, 
and he went down, but 1 didn't stop 
there. I ended up having to pay for a 
pool table that he bled all over. An am- 
bulance had to come. I remember crying 
later that night, and I don't cry a lot. 1 
cried over why I did that to this guy. I've 
got 180 stitches in my head from fights 

(continued on page 147) 


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59 


60 


ТНЕ 


PEOPLE 
ROBERT 


BLAKE 


By Miles Corwin 


The exclusive inside story of how the LAPD’s elite homicide unit built 


the case for first-degree murder in the death of Bonny Lee Bakley 


PART 1: CRIME SCENE 
Saturday, May 5, 2001 
CALLOUT 
At 12:30 A.M. Lieutenant Don Hartwell 
of the Los Angeles Police Department's 
Homicide Special Unit calls Detective 
Ron Ito, who groggily reaches for the 

phone near his bed. 

“Good morning,” Hartwell says. “We 
got a callout. The wife of that actor 
Robert Blake was killed in Studio City. 
The captain wants us to go out there 
and take the case. 

“Is ita whodunit?” 

“I don't know,” Hartwell says, “but 
before you roll out there I want to 
make sure your plate's clean.” 

About an hour later they meet in the 


squad room at the North Hollywood 
Division station. Ito, who is Japanese 
American, is about five-foot-nine, com- 
pactly built and dressed in а muted 
green suit, white button-down shirt, 
red print tic and gleaming black ox- 
fords. His hair is cut military-style, 
sheared on the sides and longer on top. 

Hartwell is dressed in a manner few 
detectives can afford—a custom-made 
blue suit of the finest Italian wool, 
made-to-order creamy white Egyptian 
cotton shirt and shimmering silk tie. 
He spends all his vacations in Thailand 
and buys his clothes from a Bangkok 
tailor at a fraction of what they would 
cost in the United States. Hartwell is 
59, the oldest man in the unit. Di- 


COLLAGE BY SCOTT ANDERSON 


vorced, he lives in an apartment a few 
blocks from the beach and looks per- 
petually sunburned. 

"The North Hollywood detectives 
have talked to Blake," Hartwell says. 
"Now he's in the interview room with 
his attorney." 

“What's he need an attorney for?" 
Ito asks. "Is he a suspect?" 

Detective Chuck Knolls joins Ito and 
Hartwell in the squad room and greets 
North Hollywood detective Martin 
Pinner and his supervisor, Mike Coffey, 
who were the first to be called out to 
the crime scene and have just inter- 
viewed Blake. Coffey tells them they 
spoke to Blake for about an hour while 
investigators questioned some residents 


5091 
NHWO 
w2 os Jiefoj 


* The Victim 


\ 


The two sides of Bonny Lee Bakley: in 1996 (left) and as she appeared in 
photos she sent out to lonely hearts who answered her personal ads. 


_ ж Г 


near the murder scene. Не then provides a précis of the 
case: On the night of Friday, May 4, Blake and his wife, 
Bonny Lee Bakley, had driven to Vitello's, an Italian 
restaurant in Studio City. But instead of parking at the 
restaurant, Blake parked a block and a half away on a dim 
street, beside a Dumpster. 

Hearing this, Ito raises an eyebrow. 

After dinner, when they returned to the car, Blake told 
Bakley he had left his .38 snub-nosed revolver—which he 
has a permit to carry—in the restaurant, on the seat in their 
booth. He jogged back to retrieve the gun. When he re- 
turned he found Bakley slumped in the car and noticed 
blood coming out of her nose and mouth. 

A North Hollywood detective steps in to announce, 
“Blake's getting antsy.” 

Hartwell and Ito enter the interview room. They meet 
Blake, who wears jeans, a tight black T-shirt and black cow- 
boy boots. His hair is shaggy and an unnatural shade of jet 
black, which gives his pale skin, stretched taut from a face- 
lift, a ghostly pallor. He looks exhausted and a bit sheepish 
as he stares at the floor. 

“I don't want to be 67 years old, but I am,” he mutters, 
now standing in the hallway beside his lawyer. “I'm 67 fuck- 
ing years old.” He sounds 
disgusted. "I'm tired and 
just want to lie down.” 

Ito subtly scrutinizes 
Blake's hands, clothes and 


* The Detective 


blood, but he finds nothing. 
He knows that the North 
Hollywood detectives have 
tested Blake's hands for 
gunshot residue, but the 
results are not yet avail- 
able. Ito asks the lawyer 
whether he can question 
Blake. Nor tonight, the 
lawyer answers, but maybe 
tomorrow morning. 

Ito watches the lawyer 
and Blake saunter toward 


Eguchi examines Blake's Dodge 
Stealth, where, police say, Bakley 
was seated when she was shot. 


shoes, looking for specks of 


the door and thinks, This is not how a man whose wife has 
just been murdered acts. He did not seem distraught. He 
did notask how his wife was killed. He did not show any cu- 
riosity about the case. He seemed more concerned about 
getting to bed than finding his wife's killer. 

The detectives return to the conference table, where Cof- 
fey resumes his briefing. 
“She's from Tennessee ard * The Bodyguard 
travels back and forth,” he 
says. "Tasked him when they 
got married, and he gave the 
phony crying with no tears. 
He loves to talk about how 
dirty she is.” 

Ito, who has investigated 
hundreds of murders, calm- 
ly delegates tasks and coor- 
dinates various aspects of the 
investigation. “I need some- 
one to write a chain of cus- 
tody on the gun, and let's see 
if the gun's loaded or if a 
round's been fired. Some- 
one get gloves and check it 
out." He turns toward Hartwell and says, "Can you ask the 
coroner to hold all press? Refer all calls to the LAPD." Then 
he asks Coffey, "A casing was found inside the car?" 

"Yeah," Coffey replies. 

“Everything circumstantial is going against him," Ito 
says. "A few things are interesting. That story about coming 
back to the restaurant.... He has to have someone see him 
so he can say, ‘I didn't shoot her." 

After the briefing Ito and Steve Eguchi head to the crime 
scene. Ito is between partners but has been assisted recently 
by Eguchi, a member of Metro, the LAPD's elite tactical pa- 
trol unit. Ito and Eguchi, both Japanese American, have sim- 
ilar family backgrounds. Although Ito, at 47, is only three 
years older than Eguchi, he has become Eguchi's mentor. 
Eguchi joined the department in his mid-30s and has no de- 
tective experience. Ito has helped him plot his future and is 
teaching him the rudiments 
of homicide investigation. ° Тһе Stuntmen 

At about four A.M. they ar- 
rive at the murder scene. Re- 
porters, photographers апа 
television cameramen have 
started gathering behind the 
yellow tape. Several patrol 
cars, overhead light bars 
pulsing, block off the street. 
Paramedics have alrcady 
transported Bakley's body to 
a local hospital, where she was 
pronounced dead on arrival. 

Ito and Eguchi study the 
area around the car, which is 
littered with a bloody towel 
and ribbons of bloody gauze 
left behind by the para- 
medics. Ito grips his flash- 
light like a patrol officer— 
knuckles up—raises it above 
his shoulder and illuminates 
the inside of the car. Both 
front windows are open. 

Later Ito, homicide spe- 
cial detective Mike Whelan 
and Eguchi slip into the 
squad car. Eguchi starts the 
engine and flips on the heat 


pm 


Caldwell, charged but cleared of mur- 
der conspiracy October 31, 2003. 


Mclarty, top, and Hambleton testify 
at preliminary hearings, Van Nuys 
‘Superior Court, late February 2003. 


while Ito slides in the cassette of Blake's interview with the 
North Hollywood detectives. The three sprawl on the seats 
and listen intently. 

On the tape Blake sounds like the detective he played 
in Вағеша, cursing and infusing his speech with an East 
Coast tough-guy inflection even though he moved from 


* The Nanny 


New Jersey to California 
when he was five. 

"Who would want to do 
anything like this?" Coffey 
asks Blake. 

Blake sighs. 

"You know a lot more 
about her than we do,” Coffey 
says with a hint of impatience. 

Blake tells a confusing story 
about a man from New Jersey 
named John—Blake does not 
know his last name—who he 
says tried to kill Bakley two 
years ago. “He tried to crash 
both of them. He said they 
were going to commit suicide 
or something.” But Blake cannot provide any details. 

“Can you fill us in on what happened tonight?" asks Cof- 
fey. “What were your activities tonight?” 

Blake is silent for about 10 seconds and finally says, "We 
went to the restaurant. We parked.... And things were go- 
ing really good. We were talking about bringing Holly—her 
daughter —out here. And when I sit down, the gun, which I 
don't always carry—but with her I carry the fuckin’ 
gun...usually I just leave it in a car or leave it at home... 
took it out and put it on the seat, under my sweatshirt.” 
Blake says he keeps the gun іп a small holster and has 
owned it since he starred in Baretta in the mid-1970s. 

"So you had the gun on the seat under your sweatshirt. 
"Then what?" Coffey asks. 

“I picked up my sweatshirt to leave. Then we got to the 
car, and I realized I'd left the gun there. And I was afraid I 
was going to lose my license or that somebody would find it 
and it would be a bad scene." 

Ito yawns and turns to Whelan and Eguchi. "The gun's 
an alibi." 


1 


Blackwell, Blake's former assistant. 


BAKLEY'S LAST MOMENTS 

The detectives spend the vest of the night listening to Blake's taped 
statement. In it he details Bonny Lee Bakley's 20-year history of 
тай fraud and cons, how she bilked lonely men out of small sums 
of money through seductive personal ads with pornographic photos. 
Blake says his wife, 44, had made numerous enemies and was fearful 
and in hiding. Her criminal past is not disputed. One of her friends 


* The Daughter 


Blake and his daughter Delinah at Bakley’s funeral. 


* The Arrest 


later describes her to investiga- 
tors as a “mail-order whore.” 
The detectives finish listening 
to the tape, then make their 
way to Blake's car to study the 
bloodstained passenger seat 
where Bakley was killed. 

“There was no contact 
wound, so it’s hard to figure 
the scenario,” Whelan tells 
Ito and Eguchi. “If the en- 
try wound was on the right 
side of her head, how does 
the casing get in the front 
seat of the car? Since cas- 
ings kick out to the right, 
you'd expect it to be here,” 
he says, pointing to the 
curb. “But maybe the doc- 
tor was wrong. Maybe it was 
an exit wound.” 

Detective Chuck Knolls 
joins them. He points to the 
passenger-seat headrest. 
“This is a weird one. Why isn’t there any blood here?” 

“Another strange thing,” Ito says, “is none of the neigh- 
bors heard any shots.” 

“Maybe she was shot somewhere else,” Knolls specu- 
lates. “Maybe she was tossed in the car and someone 
drove her here.” 

More homicide special detectives arrive at the crime scene 


Blake being escorted from his daugh- 
ters Hidden Hills home, April 18, 2002. 


Approximate location 
of Dodge Stealth 


Construction Site. Ot dumpster 


The crime scene, as shown in photographic evidence at Blake's bail hearing. 


Approximate location 


and start knocking on doors and interviewing neighbors. 
Eguchi waits for the Dumpster to be moved so he can sift 
through the rubble. Knolls drives to St. Joseph's hospital in 
Burbank to examine Bakley's body before Sunday's autopsy. 

In the hospital morgue an orderly opens a stainless steel 
cold-storage vault, rolls out a gurney and unzips a white 
body bag. Before examining Bakley's body, Knolls tucks his 
tie inside his shirt so it will not pick up bloodstains—the reflex 
ofa veteran homicide detective. Bakley is still wearing the сег- 
vical collar and blue plastic breathing tube that the para- 
medics inserted before they transported her to the hospital. 
Knolls leans over and studies the perfectly round circle on 
her right shoulder—an obvious entry wound. Her hair is 
stringy and matted and her face and ears so bloody that 
Knolls cannot locate the head wound. He shines his flash- 
light on the right side ofher face and finally locates what ap- 
pears to be an entry wound in front of her earlobe. To be 
sure, a technician posts Bakley's head X-ray on an illuminat- 


ed viewing box. Knolls studies the X-ray, frowns and shakes 
his head. The X-ray reveals that the bullet entered on the 
left side of Bakley's head—a small white circle—and then ex- 
ited from the right side—a wider, jagged pattern. Knolls can 
identify the exit wound on the X-ray because bullets, espe- 
cially hollow points, mushroom after the initial impact. 

Knolls is troubled because this contradicts the findings of 
the coroner's criminalist. He crouches and studies the 
wounds from several angles. Finally he sees the problem: 
Тһе technician has posted the X-ray backward. When he 
flips it around, the X-ray clearly shows the entry wound on 
the right side of Bakley's face. 

As Knolls drives away from the hospital he flips on his cell 
phone, calls his wife and asks her to give his son a message: 
“Robert Blake is ruining my weekend. I'm not going to be 
able to make the UCLA volleyball game." 

Knolls returns to the North Hollywood station and spots 
Eguchi in the squad room. 


Four more dinner dates with death 


The joint: Eatery opened in February 1972 at 129 Mul- 
berry Street by Umberto Robert lanniello, who saw a need 
for a late-night seafood restaurant in New York's Little Italy. 
The deceased: loseph "Crazy Joey" Gallo, who was dining 
with some friends іп the wee hours of April 8, 1972 follow- 
ing an all-night birthday blowout, A gunman burst in and 
ventilated Gallo in shert order. Gallo managed to stumble 
‘out of the restaurant but died in the street. 
Last meal: Scungilli salad, currently $15.50. 


The joint: Kosher diner in New York's East Village. A 10- 
seat hole-in-the-wall in the 19506, it now holds 150. 
The deceased: Charismatic owner Abe Lebewohl, who was 
shot three times on March 4, 1996 while taking a 
$13,000 deposit to the NatWest bank six blocks away. 
Last meal: Rendered chicken fat, also known as schmaltz. 
Used instead of butter in kosher cooking, schmaltz is a 
cornerstone of The 2nd Ave Deli Cookbook, which was 


The joint: Modest Italian cafe at 205 Knickerbocker Av- 
enue in the Bushwick neighborhood of Brooklyn, owned by 
Giuseppe “Joe” Turano. It later became Mr. Frank's, then a 
Chinese place called Kok Kei. It's now a boarded-up shell. 
‘The deceased: Carmine “the Cigar” Galante, head of the 

Bonanno crime family, who may have been on the verge of 

becoming capo di tutti capi. Не was shot on June 12, 1979. 
+ Last meal: Red wine and salad, according to newspaper 


The joint: Brentwood, California branch of a chain of restau- 
rants serving northem Italian fare, at 11750 San Vicente 


sionally joined Nicole Brown Simpson. Closed since 1997. 
Тһе deceased: Simpson and Goldman, stabbed to death 
оп June 12, 1994 in the front yard of her town house at 
875 South Bundy, half a mile from the restaurant. 

Last meal: Spinach and pasta, according to Simpson's 
autopsy. The coroner specified rigatoni; defense attorney 
Robert Shapiro claimed it was penne. 


“We found the gun,” Eguchi says. 

Knolls flashes him a skeptical look. 

“I'm serious.” 

“If you're bullshitting me, I'll beat your ass.” 

The pistol is a Walther P-38 semiautomatic, a 
German World War H relic. It is slick with oil, 
so fingerprints are unlikely. 

Knolls claps Eguchi on the shoulder. “Good 
thing we went through that Dumpster.” 

More detectives have been summoned to the 
crime scene; they canvass the neighborhood in 
the harsh glare ofa hot May morning and at- 
tempt to find witnesses or at least locate some- 
one who heard a gunshot. Because there are so 
many neighbors and this is such a high-profile 
case, investigators from both Homicide I and 
Homicide П are called out. 

Detective Robert Bub is preparing to inter- 
view the only resident who talked to Blake 
that night. The man, who is in his mid-30s 
and wears jeans, a T-shirt and a baseball cap, 
appears dazed as he leads Bub to the break- 
fast-room table. He tells the detective he is a 
film director. 

“First thing I'm going to do is have you run 
through the story for me real quick, as to what 
you heard," Bub says. 

"I was at my back computer, in my bathrobe, 
and I heard ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong, 
like crazy. Knocking and ringing... I open the 
door, and the first thing I hear is" —he imitates 
Blake's panicked cries—“‘You got to help me! 
You got to help mc! She's bloody and she's 
beaten! Oh my god.'” 

The man, reenacting the encounter, says in- 
credulously, "Robert Blake? Robert?" 

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's те" 

The man again imitates Blake's breathless 
manner: "'She's bloody! She's bloody! My wife 
bloody! They beat her up! She's been beaten! 

"And I'm like, "Where is she? What do 
you mean?" 

“Не goes, 'She'sin the car. 

"The man says he ran to the bedroom and 
called 911; the dispatcher told him to grab а 
towel and apply pressure to the wound. Не 
rushed outside to the car, carrying the towel. 
Blake headed back to the restaurant. 

“1 found that odd,” the man says. "Like, why 
isn't he going with me to help her? 

"The man describes how he tried to stanch the 
bleeding. “АШ I see is (continued on page 137) 


“The Justice Department had some mice things to say about you!” 


22ғ0 


65 


| THE F A 


FCC A groping governor, nudity for peace and Bennifer’s 
6 


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| b ene | BASEBALL, APPLE PIE AND MONEY SHOTS: AMERICA WARMS ТО PORN 
| not 0! SC Not since suburban couples lined up to see Deep Throat in 1972 has the 
| garam | Mainstream so embraced pornography. When the FCC rules that it's okay to 
M cotation | utter the F word on ТУ, you know things аге loosening up. Adult-film queen 
i | Jenna Jameson sexed up а sanitized Times 
ENT | Square on а five-story billboard and 
ust Skin deep graced a New York magazine cover pro- 
E a 8 claiming porn's ubiquity. It's been 17 
years since the end of Traci Lords's XXX 
career, but fans lined up for her to sign 
her hump-and-tell autobiography. And 
when unreformed starlet Mary Carey 
(bottom left) leaped into California's 
135-candidate gubernatorial race, she 
came in 10th. In one online survey, two 
thirds of HR professionals said they 
had found porn on employees’ com- 
puters. Indeed, the public seems to 
prefer the real deal: The Fox series 
FO) Skin, which grafted the Romeo and 
2 Juliet love story onto the world of 
| porn, was canceled because of flaccid ratings. 


TV focus on pom not] 


Apparently the plot got in the way of the fun. 


LESS TASTE, MORE THRILLING 
And waaay more fun than beer ads starring 
ex-jocks. Miller Lite’s catfight caught every- 
one's attention—and won Kitana Baker a 
Playboy Special Editions 
Model of the Year title. 


FREE TO MOON ABOUT THE CABIN 

Clients of Houston's Castaways Travel took off. 
everything—on a "Naked Air" flight from Miami to 
Cancún. The security check was a breeze. 


EDIFICE SEX 

“It's ал!” huffed a rep for 
the Brussels bank where 
this Magritte blowup, hid- 
ing renovations, sparked 
more complaints than 
new accounts. 


D 
t a 


тт — 


n — Y 
| Experts split on impact of Arnold accusations; PENALTY 
FLICK 
We'd give 
them perfect 
10s, but when 
former Ro- 
manian gym- 
nasts posed 
topless for 

a Japanese 
video, 

they were 
banned 
from coach- 

ing in their‏ س 


Y homeland. 


not 


Women 
ELE. CALIFORNIA GETS 


| A HANDS-ON 
GOVERNOR 
So what if Arnold 
| Schwarzenegger 
КЕ! was a serial groper, 


as a number of women complained in the final 
days of his gubernatorial bid? California voters 
swept him into office to replace Gray Davis in a 
wild and woolly recall election. Maybe they 
were impressed by his muscleman's physique, 
which the fairer sex groped іп а 1975 PLAYBOY 


SPORTSMEN 
BEHAVING BADLY, 
PART ONE 

Lakers star Kobe 
Bryant denied rape 
charges but admitted 
to adultery. His wife, 
Vanessa, got a $4 
million diamond ring 
to help her overlook 
the transgression. 


photo shoot (above right). 


67 


¿Older 
Vomeny 


SLAPPY TRAILS 
Hiker Steve Gough is deter- 
mined to walk the length of 
Britain in just his backpack 
and boots, but he keeps get- 
ting arrested. At last report 
he was still Scotland-bound 


MAC ATTACK 
Strip poker, 
anyone? To 
combat AIDS, 
the cosmetics 
firm MAC 
recruited 52 
celebrities to 
paint designs 
(in makeup 
and tattoo 
crystals) onto 
nude models. 
Result: one 
hot deck of 


LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE TROPHY GUYS! 
Younger fellas enjoying older women: (1) Ashton Kutcher, 25, and Dem 


Lopez Peres, 29, and Monaco's Princess Stephanie, 38; (4) John Corbett, 42. 
and Bo Derek, 47; (5) Coldplay's Chris Martin, 26, and Gwyneth Paltrow, 31 


7 THE UNKINDEST CUTS 
Utah's Ray Lines runs CleanFlicks, a 
company that trims DVDs for "family 
use." As a public service, we hereby 


HORNY POTTER 
Toymaker Mattel recalled its popular Harry. 
Potter buzzing broomstick after parents 
complained that their daughters spent too 
much time riding it. Wait till they see the 
"Chamber of Secrets" magic wand. 


WE SAID MATRIX, 
МОТ DOMINATRIX! 
S Pay attention—there 
will be a quiz: The 
romance of Matrix 
director Larry Wa- 
chowski and dominatrix Karin 
Winslow (together, left) broke up 
not only Wachowski's marriage to 
his high school sweetheart but 
Winslow's to her husband, who was 
born female but has undergone 
sex-change surgery. Now Wa- 
chowski wants to switch genders 
too; he's taking hormone shots. As 
Neo would no doubt say, "Whoa." 


STRIP PLEAS 

In atrend we noted 
last year, activists 
are still doffing their 
duds for causes 
such as (1) PETA's 
campaign against 
fur. (2) Іп London, 
a woman protested U.S. plans to in- 
vade Iraq. (3) The same message was 
sent by 30 freezing females in New 
York City's Central Park and (4) by 300 
women on a sports field in Sydney. 
(5) Lost retirement benefits prompted 
ex-employees of a bankrupt British 


а 2 == steelmaker to go the full monty during 
47. £ 2 a Ж a Labour Party conference. 
fo NSIONS * қ 


1 HO? 
| Stealing golf fans" 


абед e U.S. 
ON, inches 
gambling site put its 


money where our. 
ront 5 


SPORTSMEN 
BEHAVING 
BADLY, 
PART TWO 
No sooner had 
the marriage of 
Nascar champ 
Jeff Gordon hit 
the wall over 
his affair with 
Deanna Merry- 
man (left) than 
he was linked to 
LAST ONE IN THE POOL IS BLIND! model Amanda 
Busby Berkeley would've loved it: Members B Church (below). 
of Spain's synchronized swimming team N 
Y^ 


posed starkers for Interviú magazine. 


GAY RIGHTS VS. GAY RITES? g 
While the Supreme Court tossed 4 
ош sodomy laws without seri- W 
ous protest, the ordination of gay 
Episcopal bishop Gene Robinson 
sparked a worldwide Anglican rift. 


"LIE VEAR IN CEY | BAD WILL 
| ТНЕ YEAR IN SE HUNTING 
1 — R N SEX | Though Hunting 
for Bambi, a 
Vegas business 
said to charge 

* men $10,000 to 
stalk naked 
women with 
paintball guns, 
was exposed as 
a hoax, the cre- 
ator vowed that 
he would stage 
the safaris—in 
New York. > 


THE PM, HIS WIFE AND HER GURU 
British media bayed at Tony Blair when his 
wife, Cherie (right), dabbled in shady deals 
with the aid of "spiritual guru" (and ex-topless 
model) Carole CapligaGare for a spot of TRA? 


TRUTH IS WILDER THAN FICTION 
As if all the hot-tub antics of reality TV weren't enough, tabloids 
kept a close watch on contestants’ extracurricular dating habits and 
brushes with the law. PLAYBOY readers, however, caught a bonus 
look at Survivor: Amazon's Jenna Morasca and Heidi Strobel. 


» SPICE ROLLBACK 
Wal-Mart masked the covers of racy women's titles 
jsuch as Cosmo and Glamour. But Playboy.com 
found some Wal-Mart employees, including 
Em. Tesha Mullen (below), who wanted 
— you to see it all. 


| e 
t ға” т» TRAIN SPOTTING 
) NYC spoilsports have busted Spencer 
Tunick five times for his public nude pho- 
tography. In October they relented, clos- 
* ing Grand Central Station for this pose. 
[ ити 
1 - 


TO ALL THE МЕМ 
SHE'S LOVED 

In her uninhibited 
memoir, former model 
Janice Dickinson 
spills the beans on 
the bedroom qualifi- 
cations of some Holly- 
wood horn dogs, 
including Liam Nee- 
son, Jack Nicholson, 
Warren Beatty and 
Sylvester Stallone 
(who, she reports, 
likes to utter "Bam, 
ham, slam" after sex) 


LESS STICK, MORE JOY 
Realistic graphics (and horny designers) made video 
game vixens even bouncier this year. Clockwise from right: 
Half-vampire Rayne sunk her fangs into Hitlers henchmen 
in BloodRayne; Tomb Raider's Lara Croft defended her title 
as the original buxom hero; Cy Girls's Ice and Backyard 
Wrestling's Kitana popped on the scene—literally. 


n 


FOWL PLAY 
Louis Vuitton's 
parties leading 

up to the Ameri- 
ca's Cup races 
are legendary. At 
the 2003 bash in 
Auckland all 
eyes were on the 
model sporting 
this egg-cellent 
bra. No word on 
whether she got 
plucked later. 


= SPORTSMEN 
BEHAVING кы: i^ 
BADLY, PART AAT TEMA 4 1 
THREE de 
When Turkish ty. 
players ques- 
tioned soccer 
star David 
Beckham's sex- 
uality, he blew 
them а kiss. We 
would have 
pointed to hot 
wife Posh Spice. 


e are going to have to examine 
the whole issue of the future of manned 
space travel. There is no doubt that the 
enthusiasm for the whole space effort has 
waned over the years. Most Americans 
don't know what we are doing in space." 

SENATOR JOHN MCCAIN 


Let us consider the history of the 
world in a few hundred words, start- 
ing with the terrible fact that our. 
planet blazed out of the Sun and took 
several billion years to cool, for the 
rains to fall, the oceans to form, the 
lands to arise. for the grass to appear 
and then for the simple amoebic 
forms that gradually developed eyes 
to crawl out onto the land. 

Then the reptiles of the world 
stared at the sky and decided to learn 
to fly, and the bird was invented. 

Very slowly this progression of ge- 
neticideas occurred in the world, and 
we finally arrived to look at ourselves 
and be astounded by our creation. 

All this we know. 

In recent centuries we've voyaged 
around the world because the kings of 
various countries said the voyages 
should occur. The king and queen of 
Spain sent Christopher Columbus, 
and then Henry VII became jealous of 
this and called upon Giovanni Caboto 
to go forth on a similar venture. Finally 


COLLAGE BY JOHN CRAIG 


By Ray 


Verrazano was sent by Francis I to. 
touch land in the United States and 
brought bis boats up on Kitty Hawk 
400 years before the Wright brothers 
went the other way. 

During all of these adventures we 
were willing to sacrifice minds and 
lives and knew that they had to be sac- 
rificed for us to go where we wanted 
to go. It never ends. In recent times 
we have reached for the Moon, and 
now we reach for Mars. 

Our whole history is one of survival, 
but survival is not enough. Survival 
for what? Mere survival is not an ex- 
cuse. We must turn to ourselves for 
further answers. 

What is it all about? Why will we do 
this? For what final aim? 

In the past months we dreamers 
stopped staring inward at our war- 
torn planet, invented two eyes and 
last June sent them into space. Some- 
time in January these cameras move 
in on our red planet, Mars. They will 
touch down for the first time in 
years, to stare close-up at the rough 
terrain, promising us territories 
where we will build sites for future 
tovns just as the other explorers be- 
fore us did. 

So in January many of us vill gath- 
er in churches or stand on lawns to 
watch the sky and to pray for the safe 


Bradbury 


Sure, space 
travel is 
dangerous 
and 
expensive. 
But 
conquering 
the solar 
System 

is worth 


dying for 


а 


73 


PLAYBOY 


74 


arrival of these twin cameras. The world's planetariums 
will be crammed with people hoping for a clearer view 
of the world. 

Why all this? 

Because for too many years we have abandoned the 
Apollo missions' dream. When the first footprint was left 
on the Moon we promised ourselves to keep moving from 
that lunar base outward to distant worlds. Since then we 
have lost ourselves in political warfare and the terrible at- 
trition of death in a dozen nations. 

Finally, we have let our dreams beyond Earth be 
erased by the circumnavigations of the shuttle. Year after 
year the shuttle has charted our seas and scanned the 
complexion of Earth's present and past. It has become 
as familiar as the poles whirling in front of 10,000 bar- 
bershops, so we have increasingly stared at our shoes 


instead of up at the stars. 

Elsewhere I have described the position of mankind 
in the 21st century: too soon from the cave, too far from 
the stars. We are the in-between generation, having 
emerged from the genetic wilderness to this position 
where we look at the universe and are stunned by the 
revelations we find there. 

Late nights, haven't each and all of us thought to our- 
selves, How did we get here? Where did Earth come 
from, and how did the people on Earth arrive? We have 
thousands of religions with 10,000 answers and none of 
them completely agreeable. 

Years ago I took an incredible light-ycar glance at the 
cosmos, wallowed in panic and shouted so 1 could hear 
over the din of facts from the farsighted astronomers. 

"What if there never was a Big Bang?" I heard myself say. 


REAL CLOSE ENCOUNTERS 


Many human interactions with alien life-forms have ended in tragedy 


Mork 

Galactic origin: Planet Ork 

First contact: September 14, 1978. in Colorado 

Human accomplice: Mindy stows Mork in the attic of her 
house and eventually succumbs to his hirsute charms 
Technological wonder: His spacecraft is modeled after 
the humble egg. complete with crack-open cladding. 
Unfortunate end: Mork marries his protector and pro- 
duces a fully grown man-child, only to have the family 
chased from Earth by Kelnik, a warring alien. 


Uncle Martin 

Galactic origin: Mars 

First contact: September 29, 1963, in Los Angeles 
Human accomplice: Tim O'Hara, a reporter, disguises the 
alien as his eccentric, slightly disreputable relative 
Technological wonder: Martin's head contains 
retractable antennae. 

Unfortunate end: Martin disappears on September 4, 
1966. Reports in the early 19805 suggest he may һауе 
found a job teaching at Ridgemont High. 


ALF 

Galactic origin: Planet Melmac 

First contact: September 22, 1986, in an unspecified 
suburban location 

Human accomplices: The Tanner family 

Technological wander: A gift for sarcasm 

Unfortunate end: Rousted out of his hiding place by the 
Alien Task Force, һе 5 been on the run since June 18, 1990. 
In recent years he has been seen making inexpensive long- 
distance calls with former NFL star Terry Bradshaw. 


ЕЛ. 

Galactic origin: Unknown. 

First contact: June 11, 1982, in California. 

Human accomplice: А young boy named Elliott hides the 
alien and helps him outrun police, scientists and the FBI. 
Technological wonders: E T can heal wounds, make bicy- 
cles take flight and reduce humanoids lo tears. 
Unfortunate end: Nol as tech-savvy as ALF El is appar- 
ently unaware of how much he could save with cheap 
long-distance rates in his repeated efforts to phone home. 


Kal-El/Superman/Clark Kent 

Galactic origin: Planet Krypton 

First contact: 1938, in Smallville. 

Human accomplices: Jonathan and Martha Kent adopt 
Kal-El—the future Superman—as an infant. 
Technological wonders: X-ray vision. ability to leap tall 
buildings іп a single bound, near invulnerability 
Unfortunate end: In Oecember 1992, Superman is beaten 
to death by the villain Doomsday, only to be reanimated а. 
year later. No wonder he sees a supershrink these days. 


"How's that again?" I gasped. 

“What if there was never a Big Bang?” my 
demon muse repeated. “What if the universe 
and all its galaxies and hot-fire suns and hot 
and cold planets were never born and simply 
always existed?” 

“Impossible.” 

“So is the Big Bang,” said my demon muse qui. 
etly. “Look up: 10 billion light-years of stars. Look 
sideways, you'll see the same. How the hell do 
you find and detonate a Big Bang that immense?” 

“You can't," I said. 

“You said it," said my demon. 

“You mean the universe has been here forever?" 

“Its scary stuff. The universe has existed beyond 
time and eternity, waiting for a final thing." 

“What final thing?" 

"Us. It lacked one great miraculous item. It 
was a cosmic theater but with 10 million times a 
million empty seats. The stars knew not them- 
selves. The moons and planets were born deaf 
and blind, unhearing, unseeing, unfeeling. Тһе 
great tomb yards of space were just that: grave- 
stones with no names. The universe collected its 
genetic phlegm and at last coughed forth —” 

“What?” 

"An audience. It needed to be seen, heard, 
sensed, touched. It needed to be recognized and 
applauded. We are that audience. We, you and 1, 
have been birthed amid the blind, mute, sound- 
less tombstones to stand upright in a rain of sense- 
less light and shout against the dark. Religions? 
They're false. We are our own real religions. We 
are our own gods. That's why it’s up to us." 

“So,” I said, “that's what it's all about. Millions 
of watchful humans birthed as half-formed 
philosophers who have asked again and again, 
"Why are we here? Why are we alive? To what 
mysterious purpose were we born? Give me a rea- 
son for life and living." 

My muse replied, “What's the use of a universe 
unseen, a theater of empty worlds? We are here, 
hallelujah! And again wild hallelujahs to witness it 
all, to witness and celebrate and explore." 

So there you have it. For the past two decades, 
in a shuttle circling Earth, we have been the 
dreamers of the dream, and that dream, despite 
our lagging behind, was of the Moon, Mars, Sat- 
urn, Jupiter, Pluto, Alpha Centauri and beyond 
forever. That's life everlasting. That's true eternal 
salvation. That's why we must go to Mars. And 
that's why we can't stop there. 


К) AN N | Z 


ШАУ) 2z 


“Excuse me, I'm new at roulette—I was wondering if you could 
give me a few üps." 


75 


76 


t's a clear January afternoon in Golden Valley, Arizona, and Johnny Tapia is in trouble. He JOHNNY TAPIA 
sits in a house trailer surrounded by gray-uniformed Mohave County sheriff's deputies. For 


nearly an hour а deputy has been barking through a loudspeaker, “Come out with your HAS WON FIVE 


hands in the air” Faces pop up in the windows, but there is no other response. The 35- 

year-old Tapia-five-time world boxing champion in three different weight divisions and the 
pride of Albuquerque, New Mexico-waits inside the mobile home with two of his cousins, one CHAMPIONSHIP 
of whom is wanted on charges of aggravated assault and armed robbery. The cousin asked з 
Tapia for help, sure of his loyalty. Tapia brought them to this traller in the desert. BELTS. HE'S 


With the deputies giving orders to come out, Tapia phones his wife, Teresa, in Las Vegas. 
She jumps into a car and drives for the Arizona border, Worried about weapons, the deputies NEVER BEEN 


back up an armored truck to the house trailer and hook a towrope to the door handle. They rev 
the truck and yank open the trailer door. At five P.N. the next order to surrender comes. Within KNOCKED OUT. 
minutes three men emerge one at a time to be handcuffed. A search of the trailer reveals cocaine. 

Tapia sits on the running board of the armored truck, his thick fighter’s arms cuffed behind BUT OUTSIDE 
him. One cousin is routed back up the dirt road and on to Albuquerque and trial. Tapia is 
ale BING HE 
the 90-odd miles back to Vegas. 


“He was talking on the ride back," says Teresa. "He seemed fine” STRUGGLES 


Back in their elegant Vegas home shortly after midnight, Tapia is in the downstairs bathroom, 
TO STAY ALIVE 


vomiting. Teresa sees him come into the living room, grab his chest and collapse to the floor, 


BY KATHERINE DUNN 


unconscious. As she rushes to his side, her cousin Ruth Montoya grabs the phone to dial 911 
The operator notes “possible overdose, taking painkillers, thinking attempted suicide” The 
comatose Tapia is taken to the hospital, where he is placed on life support. He later admits he 
had been using cocaine for days. 

For the fourth time in his life this gifted boxer and Latino hero is declared dead from a drug 
overdose. No opponent has been able to stop him in 57 pro bouts. He's never been knocked 
out in the ring. But his own deliberate escapes from consciousness have been brutally effec- 
tive. Trainer Freddie Roach visits him in the hospital in Las Vegas and is frightened by what he 
sees. “Не didn't respond, no matter what they did to him; says Roach. “He was like a corpse 
lying there” The doctors ask Teresa if she wants to pull the plug 

Tapia's future once again has the bleak look that prompts newspapers to update their obit- 
uaries. Even if he recovers, it seems he will never box again. While he is hooked to a respirator 
the hospital is bombarded with so many calls from fans, friends and the media that a special 


78 


“НЕ WAS A 5-1 UNDERDOG TO SURVIVE HIS OWN CHILDHOOD.” 


Tapia information phone line is installed. 

After 36 hours he wakes and asks for a cheeseburger. Med- 
ical tests show no sign of damage to his brain or heart. After two 
days he checks himself out of the hospital to go home. Three 
days later he goes into a drug rehab center. When he com- 
pletes the standard three-week detox course, he re-ups and 
stays on. Tapia has been in a dozen rehabs before, often under 
court orders. This time is different, he says. "I wanted to do it. 
The other times | was forced to go in^ But that last little death 
was “terrible, terrible he says. “I've used up my nine lives. Next 
time it's for good” 

In September 2003—nine months after the siege and the 
сота-Таріа claims nine months of sobriety and moves back to 
his beloved hometown of Albuquerque. “He's a changed man; 
says his wife. And on September 26 he returns to the boxing 
ring in Tingley Coliseum determined to prove it. Tapia doesn't 
seek out an easy opponent for his comeback. He demands a 
fierce prospect who will test his ability to become a champion 
again. He chooses a Mexican fighter almost 10 years his junior, 
snake-tough Carlos Contreras, who vows to knock out Tapia in 
front of the hometown crowd. 

Tapia's motto, МІ vida loca, is tattooed across his belly. His 
crazy life is a complicated saga. He is a brilliantly disciplined 


and determined boxer. Over the course of his 15-year profes- 
sional career he has held five world titles in three different cate- 
gories: junior bantamweight (115 pounds), bantamweight (118 
pounds) and featherweight (126 pounds). Now in the twilight of 
his career he's a shoo-in for the Boxing Hall of Fame. He's an 
engaging man, a loving husband and father. But when the drug 
lust rises in Johnny Tapia, things go bad. Very bad. 

Outside the ring his life has been riddled with overdoses and 
tangles with the law. In recent years he has been diagnosed as 
bipolarand hospitalized more than once for suicidal depression. 
Half laughing, he counts on his fingers the drugs his doctors 
have given him to beat back depression, lifelong hyperactivity 
and attention deficit disorder: Ritalin when he was a kid, of 
course, and more recently Wellbutrin, Depakote, lithium and 
Zoloft. His 125-page collection of police reports fills a three-ring 
binder in his home office. He's been diving into the dark his 
whole life. He's staring into the abyss. He says he's kicked 
drugs and will quit boxing soon. The question he now faces daily: 
Will these be the final withdrawals that kill him? 


COMING HOME 

Before a fight most boxers' dressing rooms are quiet and seri 
ous places. Only cornermen are allowed-everyone is focused 
on the coming event. Under the grandstands of Tingley Coliseum, 


Carlos Contreras's dressing room is like that. But around the 
comer, Johnny Tapia hosts an open house. Darren Cordova's 
mariachi blasts from the boom box, and dozens of fun-loving 
pals sail in and out. Tapia is in constant motion. He smiles as he 
interrupts his shadowboxing with greetings, hugs and intro- 
ductions all around: “Не saved my life that дау!" “We grew up 
together!” He's eager for friends’ family news, reminiscences 
and jokes-he pushes for this, soaks it up. He's as interested in 
them as they are in him. "It's always like this? says Teresa. 

“| don't want it to be a funeral,’ says Tapia. “I'm doing what | 
love. It should be a celebration” His compact body vibrates, 


bouncing with excitement, yet his white T-shirt shows no sweat. 
He has a classic fighter's build: skinny legs, big shoulders, 
wood-solid arms and a round, shaved head on almost no neck, 
the better to absorb punches without effect. His battered face 
creases and folds around eyes that are always alert. 

The friends come in Italian suits and work denim. They are 
businessmen, musicians, boxers, old cronies from the neighbor- 
hood and probably the old lady who sells him Snickers bars at 
the mini-mart. Tapia talks to every one of them. They call him 
Johnny or JT. They bring kids to meet him. One Tapia pal recog- 
nizes another as the cop who arrested him, and the two reenact 
the capture to Johnny's delight. 

The jammed room is complicated by a video crew, reporters 
and photographers. An on-camera interviewer catches JT with 
the question “What do you think about in the last 24 hours be 
fore a fight?” 

"If it weren't for Darren's music, I'd be thinking all crazy” says 
Tapia, and then he reaches for Teresa. "I wouldn't be able to do 
this without my wife. She's my rock. | love her so much” 

The women in the room are politely ushered out to the hall for 
a few minutes so JT can change into black-and-silver trunks that 
convey a tuxedo dignity. Tapia's hometown rival, Danny Romero, 
appears, and the two talk like the friends they have become 
since Tapia trounced Romero and took his title in 1997. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY JORG BADURA 


This page: After 58 
pro bouts in three 
weight: divisions, 
Tapia wears the 
marks of a sea- 
soned warrior. In 
the ring (bottom 
right, in his fight 
against Marco Bar- 
rera in 2002) he is 
a formidable oppo- 
nent who reacts 
furiously when 
punched. Opposite 
page: In his earlier 
days (far left) Tapia 
showed a remark- 
able capacity for ге- 
bounding from vari- 
ous scrapes with 
the law and drugs. 
Before his Septem- 
ber 2003 fight with 
Carlos Contreras in 
New Mexico (top), 
Tapia talks with his 
wife and manager, 
Teresa, while 
stretching. Minutes 
before entering the 
ring (bottom cen- 
ter), Tapia kisses 
his rosary beads. A 
crowd favorite, 
Tapia always plays 
his fans. He does 

a backflip [bottom 
right) to celebrate 
his WBO junior 
bantamweight title 
win over Ivan 
Alvarez in 1996. 


Teresa Tapia is 
Johnny's wife, best 
friend and man- 
ager. She's the 


wife ever left me, 
Pd be dead in a 
month,” he says. 


80 


IN THE WHITE CORNER 


COCAINE HAS KO'D MORE CHAMPIONS THAN 
ANY OTHER DRUG. A BLOW BY BLOW 


Pernell "Sweet Pea" Whitaker 


PRIME: The 1984 Olympic gold medalist 
goes on to win six world titles. 
KO'D: After losing a championship fight 
to Oscar De La Hoya, Whitaker tests pos- 
ive for cocaine іп 1997 and again іп 
1998; he later has a seizure in his bath- 
room, reportedly caused by coke abuse. 
In 2002 he is caught with a bag of 
cocaine while pleading guilty to a DUI 
charge in a courtroom. He's currently 
serving 27 months in a prison rehab. 


Oliver “Тһе Atomic Bull" McCall 


PRIME: He knocks out Lennox Lewis to 
become heavyweight champ in 1994. 

KO'D: Reportedly a crack smoker since 
the age of 13, McCall is rumored to be 
hitting the pipe while tr: ig for the 
Lewis rematch. On fight night he has a 
nervous breakdown in the ring on live TV 
and bei sobbing uncontrollably. The 
ref stops the fight in the fifth. A London Jn- 
dependent reporter calls it “a vicious and 
physical stage of withdrawal from crack.” 


Aaron “The Hawk” Pryor 


PRIME: As the undefeated junior welter- 
weight champion, he beats Alexis Arguello 
1982 in what The Ring magazine voles 
the “Fight of the Decade.” 
KO'D: When a crack habit spins out of con- 
trol a year later, Pryor loses his career, his 
Miami mansion and his fleet of cars. He 
winds up supporting his habit by shadow- 
boxing for change on the streets of Cincin- 
nati, his hometown—a suicidal fiend 
weighing 100 pounds (he fought at 140). 


"Big" John Tate 


PRIME: Called "the next Muhammad Ali," 
he wins a heavyweight tille in 1979. 
KO'D: With a $3.5 million bout against 
the real Ali looming, Tate takes a career 
nosedive due to cocaine abuse. He ends 
up panhandling ant later imprisoned 
after he breaks а man's jaw and robs 
of $14. Іп 1998 he wrecks his truck and 
jes at 43. According to a medical exam- 
er, Tate had “been using cocaine regu- 
larly in the last 24 hours of his life.” 


Most boxers rest on the day of a fight, but even back at his 
new house outside Albuquerque Tapia had been edgy. He 
paced and shadowboxed for hours. The night before, he at- 
tended a charity benefit where he auctioned his own sports 
memorabilia. He's torching what seems like thousands of calo- 
ries in his prefight party, but a 10-round bout is to come. He's 
only five-foot-six and 126 pounds, and he's lost 27 pounds іп а 
month to make the contract weight. The skin beneath his reli- 
gious tattoos is uncharacteristically loose. 

Tapia sits still while cut man Ruben Gomez wraps his hands. 
Engineered layers of tape and gauze transform his fists into 
blunt instruments, but Tapia chews a plastic drinking straw and 
keeps an eye on the room, swapping cracks with the watchers. 

The stillness comes over him as Gomez paints Tapia's 
scarred forehead with a clear mixture intended to protect him 
from cuts. His opponent is known to head-butt. Tapia closes his 
eyes for this process and is silent as the mixture dries, The party 
is over. The glad host is gone; his attention turns inward. As if 
some signal has sounded, the crowd thins to its essentials. 

After prayers and a blessing from a silver-haired priest, Tapia 
tums his back on the room and begins intense warm-up exer- 
cises and stretches. This is Tapia the fighter, concentrated, 
crossing himself 
repeatedly. Tucked 
into his trunks is a 
gold medal of St 
Ignatius Loyola, the 
warrior, a gift from 
the priest. Trainer 
Eddie Mustapha 
Muhammad tapes 
red leather gloves 
onto Tapia's fists, 
and then he holds 
mitts for the fight- 
er to punch as he Y 
practices his ma- 
chine-gun combina- 
tions. Tapia stretch- 
eshis face andjaw, Tale of the tape: A battered but. 
ап ый Dente Mtm T 
EEE mud Бол ke: September. 
glaring into a cam- 


era and apologizes to the photographer. "I'm not looking at you 
mean or nothing” he says. 

Then it's time. "l need my robe! Where's my rosary? Father, | 
need a prayer" The priest rushes to him. Tapia tugs the hood of 
his satin robe down over his eyes and jogs out into the hallway. 
The priest is at his right shoulder, Muhammad at his left. The 
cornermen and Teresa guard the rear, with media types trailing 
behind. The noise of the crowd is loud now, and mariachi music 
blares. As Tapia breaks through the vapor of the smoke machine 
and into the spotlight, thousands in the arena leap to their feet 
with a sustained roar. The path to the ring is railed off, and bod- 
ies cram the edge. Hands reach for him as he moves past. The 
ring announcer shouts into the crowd, "Ladies and gentlemen, 
Johnny ‘Mi Vida Loca’ Tapia!” 


THE FIGHTER 

His voice has that hoarse boxer's squeak that suggests count- 
less punches to the larynx. He's had his nose broken a couple 
dozen times. Some of the rumpled scars around his eyes come 
from cuts in the ring. He's had three shoulder surgeries, most 
recently after his November 2002 (continued on page 84) 


"Call the organ bank and tell them that we're ready for tonight’s pickup!” 


IF YOU WISH TO AVOID A ST. VALENTINE'S DAY MASSACRE OF YOUR OWN, 
YOU MUST PRETEND THIS BOGUS HOLIDAY IS IMPORTANT TO YOU. 
AND YOU MUST MAKE SURE THAT YOUR GIRLFRIEND POPS HER CORK ONCE ALL 
THE BUBBLY'S GONE. GOT WHAT IT TAKES? TAKE OUR QUIZ AND FIND OUT 


¦ 4) You take your girlfriend out to din- 
i ner, and from where you're sitting 
'ou can see the game on the bar TV. 
What should you do? 

) Ask her to switch seats with you so you 
won't be distracted. 

) Pretend it's two Canadian teams. 

C) Do tequila shots until you can no longer 
See the television. 

D) Tell her you'll take your eyes off the TV if 
Í she takes olf her top. 


V 31 Match the gift with 
what it will get you: 


1) During the afternoon on Valentine's 
Day, you send your girlfriend some 
flowers at work. The card should begin: 
A) "What light through yonder window. 
breaks..." 
B) "Dont forget: quarter pound of ground 


5) During dinner 
she says that she 
wants to "talk 
about our relation- 
ship.” You should 


beef, half pound of pasta salad. reply: 
C) "Sony for the form letter, ladies." A) "You mean so 
much to me." 


D) “I like men.” 
=== — B) "I love those mo- 
ments of comfortable silence we share. 
Let's enjoy one now." 

C) “Stop staring at me, man!" 

) "You bet." Then stuff your face with crou- 
tons and point helplessly to your full mouth. 


2) When you arrive to meet her that 
evening, she greets you with a long, 
hot kiss and grinds her pelvis agains: 
yours. You should: 

A) Tell her that you love her. 

B) Ask if she's got any pot. 

C) Yell, “Something strange is happening 
to my penis!" 

D) Begin sobbing uncontrollably. 


) Back at her place she says she's 
joing to slip into something more 
comfortable. She comes out naked 


and kisses you. You run your hands | 
over her breasts, and she moans. She ! 
pulls away and looks deep into your : 
eyes. You should: 

A) Take her hand and lead her into the 
bedroom. 

B) Suggest that she floss before you 
continue any further. 

C) Check to make sure you haven't come yet. 
D) Say, "Let's do it doggy style so we can 
both watch SportsCenter.” H 


7) Á man and a woman often 
before sexual intercourse. 

А) engage in foreplay 

B) get married. 

C) beat the crap out of each other 

D) dip their genitals in disease-fighting 
turpentine 


8) Which of the following objects | 
might enhance your Valentine's Day | 
sexcapade? i 


9) During Valentine's Day sex, in the 
heat of the moment it's perfectly okay 
to yell out: 

A) “Tm in love with you!” 

B) “I'm in love with your money!" 

C) "This is for you, baby Jesus!" 

D) "Its Macy's greatest one-day sale ever! 
10) On Valentine’s Day, even more 
than on other days, you should never 
put your penis in а woman's 
without asking her first. 

A) spaghetti 

B) anus 

С) mother 

2 all of the above. 


1 DA Alocomotive is pumping ЖС 
a dark tunnel, and it's about to jump 
the rails. The train is traveling at 65 
mph, and the lone passenger is about 
to get off. Sheis yelling, "Keep going! 
We're almost there!" The chief engi 
neer should immediately: 

A) Take a cold shower. 

B) Consider how Howard Dean's foreign 
policy could affect the Middle East. 

C) Give up and floor it, then make the pas- ! 
senger walk the rest of the way. 

D) Make her help out c little, goddamn it. 


Extra Credit: Know Your Vagina 


Examine this 


igram of the female sex 


organ. The spot marked "a" is calle: 
A] the clitoris 

B] the navel 

C] Lil' Steven 

D] the fashizzle 


The spot marked "b" is called: 


A] the labia majora 

B] the George Burns Memorial 
Labia Majora 

C] the Shroud of Turin 

D] clams casino 


The spot marked 

A] the vaginal opening 

B] the House That Ruth Built 
C] 1-80 

D] home 


12] Which one of these pictur 
shows a woman climaxing? 


Aj 


B) 


C} 


{ 18) If your date doesn't have an 


orgasm on Valentine's Day, you'll be 
hearing about it for the rest of the 
year. What is the best way to bring a 
woman to the big О? 

A) Apply indirect rhythmic pressure around 
her clitoris. 


| B) Bring in the heavy machinery. 


C) Tweak her nipples and make honking 
noises. 

D) Put the toilet seat down 

14) You're lying next to your girlfriend, 
catching your postcoital breath. She 
runs her finger around your nipple 
and asks, “What are you thinking 
about right now?” You should answer: 
A) "How radiant you are.” 

B) “Wild horses with big cocks galloping 
through fields of heather.” 

C) “The utter failure of Derridean literary 
criticism." 

D) “Would you ever consider lipo?” 


15)А After a short rest you're feeling the 


| urge to come out for round two. What 


the hell, it's Valentine's Day, right? 
However, your girliriend is dozing. To 
get her backin the 
mood, you should: 
В) Snuggle your face 
against her ear. 

B) Go down on her. 
©) Groan audibly as 
you take care of busi- 
ness yourself. 

D) Offer to pay her 
another $300. 


Answer key: If you answered anything but A on 
any of these questions (except numbers 8 and 10, 
both of which are D), you probably couldn't find a 
date for Valentine's Day. Our advice? Turn to the 
‘sexy lady that never lets you down: five parts gin, 
one part dry vermouth, chilled and strained into a 
cocktail glass with a couple of olives. 


PLAYBOY 


84 


JOHNNY TAPIA continues fom poge 50) 


When Tapia was eight years old his mother was 
beaten and stabbed 26 times with a screwdriver. 


loss to Marco Antonio Barrera. But his 
hands, his weapons, have never been 
injured. He can't tell you what miracle 
has allowed him to abuse his body so 
brutally and still come back again and 
again to world-class condition. “It’s just 
a blessing,” he says. 

Freddie Roach has worked with many 
champs. He calls Tapia “the best boxer 
in the world.” Mike Tyson goes further, 
calling JT one of the greatest fighters 
ever. Tapia is fast, intensely busy and 
bewilderingly hard to hit. He has 
knocked out half his opponents and 
made life a leather hell for the rest. He 
has lost only three decisions—two of 
them debatable. “Tapia's greatest gift is 
that he's very intelligent," says his old 
rival Romero. "He'll move you around, 
interrupt you so he can be faster." But 
what elevates him in the hearts of fans 
is his instinct to fire back more and hard- 
er after he gets hit. The more you hurt 
Johnny Tapia, the more fight you get. 

He is a gracious sportsman. No trash 
talk from Tapia. He respects his adver- 
saries, and by the end of the fight he 
loves them. He hugs opponents at the 
final bell, chatting eagerly with them 
and consoling them if they've been 
stopped. He has nothing but praise for 
them in postfight interviews. "Anybody 
who's willing to step into the ring,” he 
says, “deserves respect.” 

But Tapia is open about his failings. 
He'll tell the worst to anyone who 
asks—what he was jailed for, why he 
was hallucinating, what drugs he in- 
gested. He doesn't brag or apologize; 
he just states the facts. "There's no use 
trying to hide what's in the papers any- 
way," he says. "If they don't like the 
way I really am, they don't like me.” 


LA FAMILIA 


“Не should retire," says boxing writer 
Lucius Shepard, "but when he does, 
he'll die. Boxing is all that's keeping 
him alive." Tapia disagrees. Obviously 
he exults in boxing—"my natural 
high," he calls it. But he vill tell you 
flatly what it really is that keeps him 
alive. “If my wife ever left me,” he says, 
“Га be dead in a month. Maybe six 
weeks if I was lucky." His eyes slide 
sideways, checking Teresa's reaction. 
She doesn't smile. 

After a hurricane decade of mar- 
riage, the couple hold hands, whisper 
and gossip. She goes to training camp 
with him. She doesn't like to go shop- 
ping without him. He has to know 


where she is and dashes into their 
home office to check on her two or 
three times an hour. “Tree!” he calls 
her, and the house rings with “Tree! 
Гуе gotta tell you something” or “Tree, 
come and see tl She is his wife and 
nurse, his business manager and box- 
ing manager. She is also his chief body- 
guard. When he slips away from her, it 
is the worst kind of danger sign. 

He thrives in the limelight. She likes 
to engineer events behind the scenes 
and watch them unfold. He'sa physical 
dynamo with the reflexes of a mon- 
goose. She lives in mental hyperdrive. 
“She reads all the time,” he says, point- 
ing at the wall of best-selling novels and 
biographies in the office. He’s a TV 
news freak, eager to talk about Korea 
or the NBA draft. They both grew up in 
Spanish-speaking houscholds. She grad- 
uated from high school honors classes. 
He graduated from what one reporter 
calls “special ed.” She says that, in 
many ways, he’s the smartest man she’s 
ever met. “He can walk into a crowded 
restaurant,” says Teresa, “and in one 
minute tell you who everybody is. Peo- 
ple he never met, he can tell you who 
they are—an undercover cop, a pimp, 
a drug dealer. A good guy ora jerk. He 
remembers everybody's name.” 

Boxing analyst Larry Merchant says 
Tapia was “a five-to-one underdog to 
survive his own childhood.” He never 
knew his father, who Tapia believes was 
murdered before he was born in 1967. 
He was diagnosed early as hyperactive 
with attention deficit disorder, but he 
was a tough kid. At the age of seven he 
was riding in a bus when it drove offa 
100-foot cliff. He was thrown free in 
the crash but survived, suffering only 
minor injuries, while the pregnant 
woman sitting next to him was killed. 

When Tapia was eight years old his 
mother, Virginia, was beaten and 
stabbed 26 times with a screwdriver. 
She managed to crawl out of the quarry 
where she'd been left to die and then 
collapsed near a streetlight. Tapia says 
he woke that night and saw his mother, 
chained in the back of a truck, being 
hauled away. But when he ran to tell his 
grandparents, they thought he was 
dreaming and told him to go back to 
bed. Tapia's mother spent four days in 
a coma in the hospital before she died. 
Her family found her on the second 
day, when a newspaper article de- 
scribed her as a Jane Doe. Tapia wasn't 
allowed to visit her, which still grieves 


him. "I never got to say good-bye,” he 
says. “I never got to say `I love you. 
The murderer was never caught, and 
the specter of his mother's dearh 
haunts Tapia. Virginia was 32 years old 
when she died, and her son feels guilty 
for outliving her, as if every year he 
lives beyond her is a betrayal. 

Tapia won't abide profanity in front 
of women. "Johnny fired a world-class 
trainer," his friend Bob Case says, "be- 
cause the trainer was talking about 
banging some broad. Johnny doesn't 
want to hear degrading talk about 
women because of what happened to 
his mother.” 

Virginia’s parents adopted eight- 
year-old Tapia. His grandfather was a 
former amateur boxer and a city em- 
ployee. His grandparents had 14 chil- 
dren and also raised 10 of their grand- 
children—“in a three-bedroom house," 
Tapia points out. 

The Tapias’ old neighborhood in Al- 
buquerque is half a century's worth of 
small wood and stucco houses packed 
close on snug lots. Some have chain- 
link fences and bars on the windows and 
doors. The general neatness is more а 
product of elbow grease than of money, 
and the streets and sidewalks are de- 
serted on any weekday, with adults at 
work and kids at school. The blue-col- 
lar decency belies the daily misery caused 
by drugs. New Mexico has the highest 
per capita overdose rate in the nation. 

Tapia's life was formed by family, 
fighting and drugs. He refers to all his 
grandparents’ children and grandchil- 
dren as his brothers and sisters. Some 
are aunts and uncles; some are cousins. 
One of Tapia's brothers is currently 
awaiting trial for stabbing another broth- 
er to death. In 1992 Tapia was acquit- 
ted of charges of intimidating a witness 
in a cousin's murder case. Counting off 
names on his fingers, Tapia rattles off a 
list of those who have served time. 
“Every onc. Its all drugs," he says. 

When Tapia was nine his uncles would 
set him out in the playground to take 
on all comers ages eight to 15. "If he 
won,” Teresa says, "he'd get the pride 
of winning and a dollar." If he lost, "I'd 
get my butt whipped," says Tapia. "It 
was just one of the challenges 1 had to 
overcome to be allowed to hang with 
the big boys. I had to learn 10 fight for 
the family.” Bob Case calls it the human 
equivalent of cockfighting and believes 
the uncles were betting on him. 

He went to the gym to train, then 
home for more training with his grand- 
father. He studied videos of fighters he 
came to admire: Sugar Ray Leonard, 
Julio Cesar Chavez, Roberto Duran, 
Salvador Sánchez. "I'd watch some 
move and then go try it out on the bag. 
I was training all the time, following in 

(continued on page 132) 


"Why can't she keep her aces up her sleeve like everyone else?" 


Miss February is оп the prowl 


7 7 hen Aliya Wolf strides into our office for this interview, we can almost hear her 
amazing cheekbones slicing through the air as she approaches. “I'm half German 
j and half American Indian, so | have very sharp features,” she says, almost apolo- 
/ getically. “People assume that I'm very stern, so 1 go out of my way to smile a lot, 
v v because otherwise ! look like the Terminator." 

Dressed in a fluffy white robe that she wears between photo shoots, the so-not-Arnold-looking 28- 
year-old Texan tells us she started modeling as a child when her mother entered her in beauty 
pageants. “She took me out of them when I was six because she saw all the stage moms with kids 
tuming out like little brats,” she says. At 19 Aliya returned to modeling and became Miss Houston 
USA 1994 and a spokesmodel on Star Search. She married and lived in New Orleans and Canada 
before retuming to Houston with her now three-year-old daughter, Zahra. "My ex-husband and | are 
best friends, and Zahra is our number one priority," she says. "I bought a quarter horse named Shas- 
ta Suntan for my daughter. When I put Zahra up on the horse, she lies down and wraps her arms 
around Shasta and kisses and pets her. There's something magical between little girls and horses." 

We heard Miss February likes riding things with a little more horsepower, such as her Harley- 
Davidson motorcycle. "I always rode on the back of my girlfriend's Harley, and all the guys thought 
she was totally hot, so | bought my own," she says. "I've had my license for about a year. Recently | 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY STEPHEN WAYDA 


87 


Aliya enjoys toking pictures almost os much as we enjoy looking at hers. “I like getting Ihe perfect shat—mastly of people and animals,” 
she soys, “You con copture a feeling ar o moment thot will never be again. It’s greot to hove your photo taken, too, because you get to 
see yourself the woy o photographer sees you. lt would be my dream to put together o photogrophy book and actually have it sell." 


"P 


went to a biker rally in Austin 
where all types of people on 
their hot rods and choppers ride 
down Sixth Street looking cool. 
The girls take off their clothes. 
It's really wild. I'm more of a 
weekend biker—not real hard- 
core or anything. Most guys | 
know already have their own 
bikes, so they're not into get- 
ting on the back of mine, but I 
do take my girlfriends for rides. 
It's empowering, because so 
few girls drive Harleys, and | 
think it's fun to step out of your 
life for a little while." 

When we ask Aliya if she likes 
badass guys to go with her 
badass bike, she blushes and 
bats her eyes innocently. 
“While | love to go out and have 
a good time, | also love stayin 
home, doing normal things, 
she says. “І can't see myself 
getting serious with a guy 
who's into the party lifestyle. Му 
fantasy is being with someone 
with whom everything just 
comes naturally, someone who 
is respectful and doesn't try 
to change me too much. Of 
course, he also has to be sexy, 
beautiful, hot and a lot of fun, 
but those things are a given!" 
Although Aliya confesses she's 
had her share of wild nights, 
she says she has other priori- 
ties now. “There's something to 
be said for having routine in 
your life—it grounds you," she 
says. "One thing l'd like to do is 
go back to school and study 
law. | don't think it's ever too 
late to get your degree, be- 
cause my grandmother just got 
her doctorate in psychology, 
and she's 70. They say if you 
meet God halfway, then he'll 
do the rest. Whatever I'm meant 
to do, | hope it's fun and | can 
enjoy it as long as | can." 


"I've always been drawn ta the 
artwork of Native Americans and 
their philosophy of living in har- 
mony with nature,” says Aliya, 
who is half American Indian. "My 
friend L. David Eveningthunder is 
ап artist wha paints these beauti- 
ful themes an feathers. | wear 
turquoise jewelry all the time ond 
love earth stones, too. Of all the 
religions l've been exposed to, 


PLAYMATE DATA SHEET 


we Lolly a von 

BUST: — 2 WAIST: = с HIPS: xL. 
/t 

guess caa i WEIGHT: 


BIRTH DATE: ТО BIRTHPLACE: rr gnat, tt 


ASS Houston 
USA 1944. 


SEE SEXY VIDED DF MISS FEBRUARY 
AT CYBER PLAYBOY COM. 


PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES 


How can you tell that Governor Schwarzeneg- 
ger still enjoys groping women? 
He kisses babies while they re breast-feeding. 


А man walking down the street stopped a 
woman and said, "You look like Helen Brown." 
She replied, “Well, you look like shit in black." 


This MONTH'S most FREQUENT SUBMISSION: What. 
do you get when you cross Rush Limbaugh 
with OxyContin? 

An oxymoron. 


А woman stood in front of her mirror, naked. 
She said to her husband, "I'm fat, wrinkled 
and ugly. It's so depressing. Please say some- 
thing to make me fcel better." 

He replied, "Your eyesight is perfect." 


А drunk driver and his buddy were driving 
down the street. The driver said to his friend, 
* think we're getting closer to downtown." 
The other guy asked, "How can you tell?" 
The driver replied, "We're hitting more and 
more people." 


Two E baseball players were about to have 
sex when one asked, "Who's on first?" 


А man from New Jersey moved to Hawaii and 
became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor, 
but no one could help him. Finally һе met а 
doctor who was in town on vacation. After the 
man explained his symptoms, the doctor said, 
"Go into an outhouse and put your head over 
the hole. Breathe in the fumes for 10 minutes.” 

The man was willing to try anything, so he 
did as he was told. The next day he saw the 
doctor and said, “It worked. І feel terrific! 
What was wrong with me?” 

The doctor replied, “You were homesick.” 


While performing a vasectomy, a doctor 
slipped and cut off one of his patient's balls. In 
an attempt to avoid a malpractice suit, he re- 
placed the missing ball with an onion. Several 
weeks later, the patient returned for a follow- 
up and said, “1 think something's wrong.” 

"Ob?" the doctor said, acting surprised. 

"Every time I piss, my eyes water. When 
my wife gives me a blow job, she gets heart- 
burn. And every time 1 pass a hot dog stand, 
1 get a hard-on." 


А man told his doctor that his wife hadn't had 
sex with him in seven months. The physician 
told the man to bring his wife to the office for a 
private talk. When the wife arrived, the doctor 
asked about her libido. "Well, doctor," she 
replied, "the truth is that I take a cab to work 
every morning, and the cabbie always asks me, 
‘So are you going to pay today or what?” We 
don't have much money, so I always give him 
an ‘or what.’ That makes me late for work, and 
my boss asks me, 'So are we going to dock your 
salary or what?’ 1 always give him the ‘or what." 
By the time 1 get home, I don't feel like having 
sex anymore.” 

"Hmm," the doctor said. "I see. So are we 
going to tell your husband about your prob- 
lem or what?” 


How do you know when a terrorist is de- 
pressed? 
He doesn't feel like killing himself. 


А farmer was plowing his field when he no- 
ticed his daughter running into the barn. A 
few minutes later a farmhand entered the 
barn. When they didn't emerge, the father be- 
came suspicious. He went to see what they 
were up to. He found the farmhand humped 
over his daughter. He picked up a shovel and 
whacked the farmhand in the ass. The farm- 
hand jumped up and ran outside. The father 
looked at his daughter and said, "1 didn't think 
you had itin you.” 

She replied, “1 didn't until you hit him 
with the shovel." 


A E 
Aly Lumen 
Why did the condom fly across the room? 
It was pissed off. 


Why can’t dwarfs please tall women? 

Because when they're toes to toes, their nose 
is in it. And when they're nose to nose, their 
toes are in it. 


Bronne JOKE OF THE MONTH: Why did the 
blonde woman's belly button hurt? 

Because her blond boyfriend wasn't that 
smart either. 


Send your jokes to Party Jokes Editor, PLAYBOY, 730 
Fifth Avenue, New York, New York 10019, or by 
e-mail to jokes@playboy.com. $100 will be paid io 
the contributor whose submission is selected. Sorry, 
jokes cannot be returned. 


«Апа do you, dude, wish to get freaky with the awesome babe who you 
” met in the vui m this morning?” 2 


100 


> running around on the field in tight pants. Some 
$7 billion in wagers will change hands аНег that final play. 


hree...two...one...! When the final seconds tick 
off the clock at Super Bowl X XXVIII this month 
in Houston, the winners will pop their cham- 
pagne bottles and toast their riches. By winners, 
we mean the gamblers, players who stand to 


make far more cash on the game than those guys 


That's more than the gross domestic product of Iceland, 
more than twice the market value of American Airlines, all of 
it bet on a single game of football. 

Come early April, when the buzzer sounds and the new 
NCAA basketball champs rush the court in a frenzy, another 
$2.5 billion in bets will change hands. Talk about net gain. 

Then there's the Kentucky Derby. 

And the Belmont Stakes. 


These days, with sportsbooks online, you can gamble апу- 
time, ber without breaking the law. The result? Never 
before have such huge sums of cash been caught in the ebb 
and flow of victory and defeat. Time to get your cut. 

When you step up, keep this in mind: Bookmakers know 
B cmm d aUe ps сон нотаны 

if you wager wisely, you won't be competing with bookmak- 
ers but with other bettors—most of whom are suckers, guys 
who throw down cash on the Cowboys because their сһеег- 
leaders have big tits. The key to beating suckers? Doing vour 
homework. Itall starts here. We hit up some of the foremost 
high rollers, bookies and oddsmakers for tricks of the trade 
when it comes to the highest-stakes events of the year—the 
Super Bowl, March Madness and the spring horse racing sea- 

of which occur in the next 


son—all 
BY ALLEN ST.JOHN  fivemonths. Read on and cash in. 


MRRCH MRDNESS 


Shop the fine: 


Hedge your bet: 


The fattest payouts ever at some 
of the world's largest sportsbooks 


53.25 lion 

In 2002 a well-known Hollywood 
agent to the stars bets $1 million 
at Heritagesports.com that the 
underdog New England Patriots 
Will cover the spread against the 
St. Louis Rams in Super Bowl 
XXXVI, plus he bets another 
$425,000 on the Patriots to win 
outright. A little Tom Brady magic 
and the guy collects on both bets. 


52.7 million. 

In Super Bowl XXIX in 1995, a 
man gambles $2.4 mi onthe 
San Francisco 49ers to beat the San 
Diego Chargers on the money line 
(eight-to-one odds) at the Mirage 
Hotel Sportsbook in Las Vegas. Six 
Steve Young touchdown passes 
later, the Niners take it. Ka-ching. 


$1 million 
In Super Bowl XXXI a gambler at 


Thegreek.com takes Green Bay to 
beat New England by more than 
13% points and the Patriots to 
lose by fewer than 14% points. 
when the line later changes. (Pay 
attention now: If the Packers win 
by 14—and only if they win by 
14—this guy wins both bets.) 
Green Bay wins by...14 points! 
Final score: 35-21. 


$900,000 

A high roller walks into the MGM 
Hotel in Vegas and bets on the 
under in the Mike Tyson-Frank 
Bruno fight in 1989. If Bruno 
makes it through round six, the 
bettor loses. Ding ding! Tyson 
knocks down Bruno 14 seconds 
in, then KOs him in the fifth. ("How 
dare they challenge me, these 
boxers with their primitive skills” 
Tyson barks.) The bettor's payday 
is roughly a third of what Bruno 
takes in for getting knocked out. 


It's no coincidence that the world’s most hyped game is also 
the one most wagered on. “Т call it the rule of 10,” says 
Robert Walker, chief oddsmaker at the MGM Mirage Sports- 
book in Las Vegas, the biggest book in town. “People bet 10 
times as much on the Super Bowl as they would on any oth- 
er game.” At press time, we didn’t know which teams would 
face off on the fateful day. It doesn't matter. We suspect 
you've got the science of football figured out. As for the sci- 
ence of wagering, the bettor, laying $11 to win $10, has to win 
52.4 percent of his wagers to break even. If you shift those 
odds slightly, they'll workin your favor. Keep reading. 

“My primary suggestion,” says gam- 
bling guru and USA Today sports analyst Danny Sheridan, 
“is to ignore the point spread and just pick the winner of 
the game.” He notes that in the 37 Super Bowls played, the 
winners’ record against the spread is 31-3-3. In other 
words, in 84 percent of all Super Bowls the winning team 
has also covered the point spread. (The most recent ex- 
ception: Dallas, a 13-point favorite, beat Pittsburgh 27-17 
in 1996.) Still with us? Good. Ditch the spread. 

For any bet (the over-under, the 
money line—see “The Line,” right, for par- 
ticulars), the emergence of online betting 
houses means you can hunt for the best 
lines the way more responsible mem- 
bers of society shop for interest rates. 
This strategy used to be strictly the 
province of high rollers, because you 
had to build and maintain credit with a 
variety of bookies. Now you can bet like a 
pro by starting small accounts with a bunch of 
offshore houses and compare lines with 
the click of a mouse. The slightest variation 
could make or break you. “I haye one $10 
bettor who has six outlets,” jokes “Billy,” 
a former illegal bookie who now runs 
Heritagesports.com in Costa Rica. “The 


The spread. Here 


exactly three, you get 
p mon back 


you'll find on Wall Street. If you think the 
underdog is going to triumph (always the 


pros are always shopping for bargains” | Kansas City 
Going with the favored | x 
team? Not a bad investment. The favorite is Money ER 
20-14-3 against the spread in Super Bowl | Kansas City 
history. Based on that stat, betting on the fas | x= o Una, 
vored team will provide better odds than r S 
і 


Kansas City is a three- 
point favorite. The Chiefs 
must vin by at least four 


to pay out. If they win by 


end, just as you are. But at halftime their edge is gone. 
They didn’t see anything you didn’t see on television, and 
this new line rarely moves once it opens. There’s no time 
for public opinion to weigh in, for smart money to move 
the line up or down. If you 
think the line is skewed, it 
probably is. “We just throw a 
number up there and let peo- 
ple fire away,” says Walker. If 
you plan on taking this bet, 
read ahead on how the two 
teams might perform down 
the stretch. (Conditioning 
problems? A field goal kicker 
who was spotted drunk at the 
hotel bar the night before?) 
Keep in mind that the team 
leading at halftime has won 32 
of 37 Super Bowls. 
r This is the 
second most popular football 
wager behind the spread bet. 
The oddsmaker guesses the. 
total number of points that will —— 
be scored, and you bet whether the actual number will be 
higher or lower. The over is 19-17 in Super Bowls (there 
was no over-under line in the first one). Sheridan suggests 
bucking the trend. When offensive powerhouses meet in the 
big game, people expect them to score all night, so the over- 
under line skyrockets. Usually the opposite happens—of- 
fensive teams tend to play conservatively. (Oakland scored 
21 points last year, and St. Louis scored 17 the year before.) 
Meanwhile, defensive teams tend to pile on the points. 
(Tampa Bay scored 48 points last year, and Baltimore scored 
34 in 2001 behind quarterback Trent Dilfer, who couldn't 
even find a starting job the following season.) 
Who's going to win the coin 
toss? Will John Madden dribble on his 


pants when he hits the urinal at half- ren 
time? Who the hell cares? “These are ply means that you 
sucker bets,” Sheridan says, Novelty must lay $110 to win 

bets are aimed at clueless geeks who Ц or | to win $10). 
This accounts for the 


think the wagers are cute. Since 
there's no real way to handicap these 

bets, bookmakers can count on getting 
relatively even money on both sides, so 
they don't care how it turns out. They get their 


bookmaker’ vig, 
or commission. 


` The Line 


3 -110 E st Louis +3 -110 
-140 ESA St Louis +120 
+41 110 EGA Under +41 -110 


more thrilling bet), put your cash on the 
moncy line, which gives you odds instead of 
a spread. In other words, instead of getting 


points, you accept the fact that your team The money line, money on a proposition bet was when The over-under 
is less likely to win, so you score a bigger ШПАТИ they bet William “The Refrigerator” line. Youre betting that 
payout if the dog pulls it off. Youre мел [AL Perry would score a touchdown іп the total points scored 
After the second quar- БАД ек ning ЫА ihe 1986 Super Bowl,” says Sheri- ИА 
ter, sportsbooks put up a new line. Basi- GAS | dan. “Perry opened at 12-to-one АЛАТЫ 
eo es lay $100 on the Rams + ME laying $110 to male 
cally, they're guessing how the game will make $120, odds to score, which he did. 10 4 you win 


4.5 percent vigorish (the commission). 
“The only year the betting public won 


Have some patience: 


Bet for big payouts: 


PLAYING THE PONIES 


Z АС 
5 ж.ж 
R fê s 
i 
$1,550 on that o 
Derby time: 


Bolt: To run in the wrong dire 

Not considered a good thing. 

Closer: A horse that runs well in the 
homestretch. Opposite of a fader. 
Exacta: A combination bet on two horses 
to finish 1-2. 

A female horse. Also denotes a hot 
young lady sitting in the owners’ section. 
Gelding: A castrated male horse. Exam- 
ples: Funny Cide, Liberace. 

Lasix: A drug given legally to horses to 
prevent hemorrhaging from the nostrils. 
It's rumored that jockeys who dig the 
booger sugar take it as well. 

Morning line: Odds set on race day. Also, 
a booger sugar breakfast. 

Nag: A horse that has run a lot and rarely 
well. Also, your wife when she finds out 
how much you lost at the track. 

Place: To come in second. 


Post: Time at which the horses must 
enter the starting gate. All bets must be 
laid prior to post. 

Shithead: Person placing many bets 
close to post time, incurring the wrath of 
those waiting in line behind him. 

Show: To come in third. 

Silky Sullivan: Extremely fast 

Closer, from the name of a 

horse that once won a race 

after trailing by 41 lengths. 

Trifecta: A combination 

bet on three horses to 

finish 1-2-3. 

Triple penetration: 

Entry into all three 

Triple Crown races. 

Also, a sex act that 

should never 

involve a horse. 


“You know, Jerry...when it comes to foreplay...he's all thumbs!” 


104 


WHERE 
EC TO KISS ME 
E ing is kind of annoying. If he 
d is p. = better be ready to 
Б” up in about five minutes. 
a оша parken just have sex. 
M c in some ways ean 
| с оп. 1 love it when a man 
isses my neck. That's my h: 
С і just love having my UN 
E and caressed, I get kind of 
z Kn Ps but I love lots 
косме ipe gives me licl 
E ui back, I love that, too. I = 
E j easily when he does that. It’s 
ioe 27 о tell when something is work- 
goose bumps everywhere. 


Жі 
/ 


fa 


RESSING FOR EXCE 

“le dresses and readies. 1 Have drawers full of thigh-highs and 
dera guy who liked it when ore garters when we went out 
s lam see them, he Just vored it, The look on his PEE 
ШЕ on just för him. 1 wear SER lingerie in the bed- ¿4 

mes irs justa waste of уге because he's going tO ГІР; 4 а 


1 like sexy lingerie lie 
garter belt 1 used to d 
IR public. Even though h 
e enough to make me Put 
vom somctimes—and somet! 


Есту, off me anyway: 
T TO BUZZ y 
vibrator. 1 think | 1 
/ 


ла because | don't use 
e c: Ir drove him crazy that 
ozone, Ard 
Ке. / 
/ 


TO BUZZ OR N 


in the wor 
boyfriend bought it f 


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may be the weirdest 8i 
usea 


ye one just be 
always say, 
har do you m 
as never € 
found out my girlfriends all rs. 


Dave Matthews 


PARTAN BIOYE S 


200 


Тһе jam-band superstar оп solos, file sharing and 
his bathtub built for a crowd 


1 


PLAYBOY. Why would Dave Matthews of 
the Dave Matthews Band have to do a 
solo album? 

MATTHEWS: Yeah, I thought about that. 
It comes back to the idea of the badly 
named band, the lazy guys who said, 
“Fuck it, we'll just call it the Dave 
Matthews Band 'cause you're in the 
front." We never had the foresight to 
change it, and I think our fans know 
that the band really is the five ofus and 
that taking the four letters away from 
the end of our name does make it a 
really different thing. 


2 


PLAYBOY: What was the band's real reac- 
tion to the solo album, Some Devil? 
MATTHEWS: It’s not like there was a big 
discussion. I wanted to put some songs 
down. Some are very acoustic, some 
are with other people. I wanted to sit 
there and go, "What do I do next?" It 
was like having a day job: Wake up іп 
the morning and go to the studio and 
mess around and get embarrassed by 
my own incompetence. 1 really want 
people to know how at home I am in 
this band that Ғуе been a part of for so 
long. It's good to stick your head out of 
the water sometimes. 


3 


PLAYBOY. You're as big a rock star as this 
country has. Do you ever wish you 
were more оға celebrity? 

MATTHEWS: As I get older, when I walk 
past a group of teenagers I do start to 
think, Will they recognize me or am I 
an old-timer? And they often don't. 
But I cover myself by saying that if they 
were 25 and listened to my record, 
they still might not recognize me. I'm 
Johnny Boring. I work so fucking hard 
at being a regular guy— cause I'm as 
regular as an orange fiery turd flying 
out of an elephant's ass. I don't feel 
regular at all, but I make an effort to be 
as regular as I can. 1 don't know why, 


Interview by Alan Light 


but it seems important that I don't get 
a house behind a wall, that I don't insist 
that my Pepsi be at exactly the right 
temperature—because I’m really terri- 
fied of what a pathetic existence that is. 


4 


PLAYBOY: So you're scared of fame? 
MATTHEWS: It's so pathetic to get that far 
away from the fact that your shit stinks. 
It's almost paranoia, not to venture too 
far from what I think is normal. I'd 
rather not be too different when I get 
to the end of this strange ride than I 
was in the middle of it—which will 
probably fail miserably. I'll probably 
say, "Why didn't I wear a pink tuxedo 
and take it up the crapper from that 
guy, just to see what it was like?” 


5 


PLAYBOY: Surely you've gone in for 
some rock-star indulgences. 

MATTHEWS: The bathtub in my house in 
Virginia is made from three old cast- 
iron tubs, the ones with the feet. I had 
the middle of one and the ends of the 
two others glued together. I always said 
that if I had the money I'd get a long 
bathtub here in America. In England 
they like to lounge in the bath. In 
France they don't take baths often, but 
when they do, they like to lounge. But 
here everyone takes showers because 
they're so busy. I want a bathtub that, if 
Lask my wife to climb in, she can get in 
there with me. It's a hell of a tub. 


6 


PLAYBOY. You sit at the top of a com- 
pany—the band, a merchandising 
company, a ticket agency—that gener- 
ated more than $85 million last year. 
Do you run it all? 

MATTHEWS: There was a time when our 
Tshirt operation was in the garage of 
the management company, next door 
to the room where the agent was. I 
knew everyone who packaged the T- 
shirts and everyone who designed the 


posters. But it's not that way anymore, 
and it's not just me involved in that 
business anymore. It is impressive, but 
I'm not real involved with a lot of it, ex- 
сері sometimes I say, “I don't like that 
"T-shirt." I hope everyone is being 
treated well, and 1 think we're good 
with the insurance policies. I know 
we're better than Wal-Mart. 


7 


PLAYBOY: If you put out some crazy 
record, the guy printing the posters 
may not get a Christmas bonus. Does 
that enter your thinking as an artist? 
MATTHEWS: I do wonder if someday I 
decided to grow a long beard that I 
could wrap my testicles in and live in a 
ditch, i£ I could survive the guilt. Be- 
cause what I do is subjective, I can only 
hope that not everybody thinks I suck. 
Or that not everyone concludes at the 
same time, "Man, he sucks now," and 
then people start losing their pensions. 
So my theory is that I've got to get into 
a bunch of other shit; we've got to take 
this machine and diversify. 


PLAYBOY: Diversify how? 

MATTHEWS: Cheese, man—people al- 
ways like to eat cheese. 1 might fill the 
gap that's been created by the lull in 
the French cheese import market. If 
there really was justice, there wouldn't 
be a hole there, but ГИ fill it just to 
keep people from losing their shirts. 


9 


PLAYBOY: Do you listen to hip-hop? 
MATTHEWS: I listen to a lot of things. I'm 
as likely to listen to an old Cat Stevens 
record as I am to listen to 8 Mile. But 1 
love both. I think Eminem is just ex- 
ceptional. He freaks me out, his shit is 
so good—as a writer, a poet. No matter 
what his casual exterior is, I can't be- 
lieve he's not sweating to get that music 
out. It's so obvious that it's crafted like 
the finest wine. (continued on page 145) 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY CALLEN CLARK 


107 


OLD CUBA WAS 
DYING, AND BELOW 
THE SURFACE A 
BIG FISH NEEDED 
TO BE DISPATCHED. 
VIOLENTLY 


here was a fish in the air, 

beautiful and almighty, 

dancing on its tail, the 

iron-black sword of its bill 
slashing the Havana skyline. It 
was May 1991, a hard spring for 
the Cubans, who were mortified 
by the loss of the Soviet Union, it 
too an exalted vision, disappear- 
ing into the deep blue abyss of. 
history, unabsolved. 

Elliott Payne had never expe- 
rienced anything quite like this, 
deep-sea fishing in sight of a city, 
so near he could clearly make out 
the cars and bicyclists and the 
idlers on shore, people strolling 
aimlessly along the Malecon to- 
ward the crossroads of a revolu- 
tion. How strange. It was a bit 
counterintuitive, like hunting elk 
in the suburbs, he thought, a 
wildness you could engage on 
your lunch break from the office, 
trolling a quarter mile offshore 
and the depth sounder reading a 
thousand feet. Aboard the Cere. 
bella, the lucky men in the midst 
of this spectacular convergence— 
a captain and two mates, three 
fishermen, all yanquis—were 
transfixed by the missile blast of 
iridescence, watching the glori- 
ous fish sweep across the ridge 
and down the trough of an indi- 
go wave, its bill parrying the 
lethal air, imaginary hips per- 
forming a violent rumba until it 
toppled with a great splash and 
vanished into the sea. 

In an instant the slack in the 
line snapped taut and hummed 
with menace, seemingly electri- 
fied, and the rod bent impossibly 
down. Everybody watched Dr. 
William Isaacs—pear-shaped 
Doc Billy, the angler, who had 
chosen to fight the marlin stand- 
ing up—yanked seaward, his 
doughy knees slamming the 
gunnel of the stern, and only the 
quick hands of a mate saved the 
neurosurgeon from Connecticut 
from pitching overboard. 

шегі son of a bitch! 


ILLUSTRATIONS BY KENT WILLIAMS 


PLAYBOY 


110 


Doc Billy, half off the rail, hollering, 
refusing to give up or let go, relied on 
his companions to lunge forward and 
pull him back over the transom, and 
there went his cap into the water, its 
visor embroidered in gold stitching— 
AIST ERNEST HEMINGWAY INTERNATION- 
AL CLASSIC BILLFISH TOURNAMENT. His 
head popped up bare and bald like an 
obscene pink egg, and he huffed and 
grunted and strained with a degree of 
exertion you would have thought was 
well beyond his capacity. The engine 
rumbled, and the captain backed down 
on the fish. Up there with him on the 
bridge, Elliott Payne observed the ac- 
tion, as writers do. In his notebook, un- 
der the last sentence he had scribbled— 
Much Hemingway spoken here—he 
jotted his best guess: 300 lbs.? 
Payne was a hybrid of fisherman 
and hack, a man whose profes- 
sion itwas to catch fish and write 
about it or, like today and much 
less preferable, to watch others 
catch fish and write about that, 
too. Today Hemingway was on 
everybody's lips—El Maestro, 
progenitor of the marlin tour- 
nament and honorary god in 
the overpopulated Cuban pan- 
theon of machismo. 

“Doc, tip up,” coached the 
captain. “Let him dive." 

This was a kill tournament; 
there would be no cavalier tag 
and release. The first mate 
planted a new ball cap on the 
doctor's head to protect it from 
the blazing sun. Sweat poured 
down his inflated cheeks onto 
his neck and ringed his collar 
and the waistband of his shorts 
as he bowed forward and reeled 
back, bowed and reeled, me- 


requisite quotes. Doc had sprawled on 
the salon's couch, the good sport, ге- 
flective, storing away the memory. 

*Did I have on my red hat or my 
green one?" he asked the writer. “I'ma 
very colorful figure." 

By midafternoon Doc had boated a 
sleek white marlin to haul up to the 
marina's scale with three more re- 
spectable whites and a single but small- 
ish blue landed by his teammates on 
the other boats, yet even as the deck- 
hand cranked the last line onto its reel 
and the captain opened up the en- 
gines, everyone knew the best the 
Americans could hope for here in Cuba 
was second place, behind the imperi- 
ous Mexicans, who had radioed every- 


of kayakers headed out, the Cuban 
Olympic team in training. He wanted 
to turn the boat around and certainly 
would have demanded it if he had any 
inkling whatsoever of what was about 
to happen onshore. 


At Marina Hemingway they tied up 
to the fuel dock, and Elliott Payne 
stepped ashore through a swarm of 
journalists from important places. 
Americans and Europeans and, of 
course, the Cubans with a TV crew, 
waiting for permission to come aboard, 
their eyes rolling with indifference off 
the sportswriter, nobody they knew or 
recognized, not competition or at least 

| not worthy competition, neither 
| | a proper colleague nor a regis- 
tered fisherman, а nameless 
ride-along on the news-break- 
ing Cerebella, the first U.S.-reg- 
istered vessel to enter Cuban 
waters legally (except for the 
Mariel boat lift, which didn't 
count) and the first to fish for 
marlin since Hemingway's Pilar 
30 years ago. when El Maestro 
left Cuba for Idaho and the 
tournament vanished behind a 
curtain of paranoia and ill will 
manufactured by uncompro- 
mising ideologies. Payne had no 
use for the correspondents ei- 
ther, although he was keenly 
aware of the inferiority of his 
status, his anonymity as a byline 
and, in most venues, as a per- 
son. His job was honorable—not 
noble, not vital, but not every- 
thing had to be—and he knew 
that. For the past two mornings 
they had all assembled on the 
dock in a beggar's queue, plead- 


chanical and toylike, his pale. 
legs far apart, bracing himself. 
against the power below. After 20 min- 
utes the fish was off the transom, ready 
to boat, panting as it lay twisted on its 
side, one fierce eye condemning the 
world above. Leaning out, the mate ex- 
tended the gaff and maneuvered for 
the right mark, the perfect moment, 
but it seemed to take forever. Then the 
marlin spit the hook, threw the line in- 
to the startled roundness of Doc’s face 
and was gone. The doctor handed the 
useless rod to the mate, accepting the 
loss philosophically. 

“A brave fish,” he declared in fluent 
Hemingwayese. He unbuckled the 
plastic fighting belt strapped around 
his sizable girth, tossed his ball cap 
aside and retired into the comfort of 
the boat’s swank, air-conditioned 
salon, dismissing the crew's efforts to 
console him. Elliott Payne climbed 
down from his post on the bridge and 
followed after the doctor to gather the 


body to taunt them with the news of 
their success. It seemed to Elliott 
Payne, sipping champagne with the 
fishermen in the cruiser's salon, asking 
delicate questions about the strategy 
and skill required to boat a billfish 
twice your size, that the Cerebella had 
just begun to plane before the captain 
throttled down again to approach the 
channel at the marina's headland, and 
he was disappointed because he loved 
this, the roaring slam of the return, 
coming in from the sea, the sun-cooked 
feeling of the camaraderie, the mutual 
gratification of a day spent outdoors 
that lubricated a stream of stories 
among shipmates. He loved it as much 
as the fishing itself, the alternate cycles 
of boredom and adrenaline, the physi- 
cal and mental intensity of a fish. Par- 
ticularly a big fish. 

But now, too soon, they were enter- 
ing the no-wake zone, splitting a flotilla 


ing to ride along with the good 
doctor, but as much as Doc liked 
publicity, he was obsessed and tyranni- 
cal about fishing, and the only writer 
he allowed aboard during the tourna- 
ment was, however obscure to the pub- 
lic, a fisherman of some reputation like 
himself. Elliott Payne could feel their 
meaningless condescension, knew they 
felt the privilege of fishing with Doc 
had been wasted on him, a freelancer 
from an irrelevant trade magazine, but 
he remained unaffected by his disen- 
franchisement from their fellowship. 
As he walked over to the weigh-in 
table to check the registry, an attractive 
young woman in a Cubanacán T-shirt 
overcame her shyness and handed him 
а Cuba libre in a plastic cup from the 
tray she carried—premier Havana 
Club rum, seven years old, a splash of. 
contraband Coke, one precious ice 
cube. There sat an official from the 
tournament at his table, recording in- 
dividual and (continued on page 120) 


“I thought you liked reality TV.” 


11 


There's a new look in town, hoss. The styles of the American West—rugged and practical, comfort- 
able and distinctive, in classic fabrics like denim and leather—have migrated from rustlers to гип- 
ways. Whether you're a single shooter or part of a posse, we've corralled the best clothes for гоа 
ladies. So cowboy up. Below, the backseat bandit is in a jacket by 1 ($195), a shirt by U 

y ($38), jeans by Blue ($110) and a hat by Buffa asuede top ($145) ard 
leather wrap skirt (5795) by Buff l 
jacket by Val 
(679). Тһе belt is by \ 


FASHION BY JOSEPH DE AGENS 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY NICOLA MAJOCCH 
PRODUCED BY JENNIFER RYAN JONES 


ç (6175) and 
o ($275), and the jewelry is by S, 


NOTHING LOOKS MORE NATURAL ON AN AMERICAN MAN THAN A TOUCH OF COWBOY COOL 


< 


THIS PAGE: The lone ranger's shirt: — 
is by Hilfiger 


(560), the 
tank top is by 2xist ($16), the 
jeans are by Wrangler ($40), and 
the boots are by Skechers ($155). 
His belt ($175), buckle ($195), hat 
(560) and bracelet (5140) аге all by 
Buffalo Chips. His turquoise pen- 
dant is by Spall Designs. THAT 
PAGE: Buckle Bob is in a shirt by 
D&G ($175), jeans by Energie 
($140), a hat by Stetson ($70) and 
boots by Frye ($305). His belt 
($265), buckle (S775) and bracelet 
($160) are all by Buffalo Chips. 
She's in hot pants by Richmond 
Denim ($190), a top ($320) and 
belt ($230) by Roberta 

end boots by Frye ($305). Six- 
Shooter is in a shirt ($129), cords 
($149) and belt (S69), all by Diesel. 


1 


THAT PAGE: Chief Knockahoma 
is wearing a cashmere jacket 
(53,300), shirt (5470) and pants 
(5470), all by B. 
His boots are Бу u 
(5750). Pocahottie is іп а top by 
chil Qs» and a skirt 
oy D. Horse ($475). 
THIS PAGE: Home on the range. 
Buffalo Bill is wearing a blazer 
($1,495), shirt ($475), button-fly 
pants (5375), snakeskin belt (5335) 
and snakeskin shoes (5870), all 
by Бос - The felt 
cowboy hat is by St 


THIS PAGE: Dances With Wheels 
isin a blazer by Perry Ellis (S170), 
a snap-tront shirt by Diesel ($89), 
cords by Reunion ($65), a belt by 
Buffalo Chips ($265) and boots 
by Frye ($165). His shades are by 
Stússy ($60), and the leather hat 
is by Buffalo Chips ($70). THAT 
PAGE: Scourge of the West—cow 
punks! Yosemite Slim is in a blazer 
($830), trousers ($285) and shirt 
($365), all by.Moschino Uomo. 
His boots are by J.M. Weston 
(S750), and his necklace is by 
Spali Designs (price on re- 
quest). Mae Rest is in a knit dress 
by Fendi (available by special 
ordei quartz-and-lapis lariat by 
Marlo Penallillo (S320) and 
boots by Donald J. Pliner ($700). 
Chatting Bull is wearing a suit 
($1,990), shirt ($620) and shoes 
($555), all by Fendi. 


PLAYBOY 


HAVANA (continued from page 110) 


“You know the godfather, yes? Everyone knows the 
godfather. I am offering you a story you can't refuse.” 


team catches, and behind him, on the 
arm of what resembled a gallows, the 
winning fish, a blue marlin—magnifi- 
cent because it was a blue marlin and 
not because of its size, which was not 
immense but modest, its carcass hoist- 
ed into the air between two iconic palm 
trees. A Cubanacán photographer 
posed dignitaries on each side of the 
beast to create still more civilizing im- 
ages to feed the revolution's endless 
appetite for propaganda. "Permiso," 
said Elliott Payne, and he leaned over 
the bookkeeper's shoulder to scan thc 
register, and here was a surprise: The 
marlin had come from a Cuban boat; a 
Cuban angler would receive the trophy 
for Best Individual Fish that evening at 
the awards ceremony. The homeland 
had been well defended once again. 
Payne's eye followed the blue line of 
the entry across the page to the column 
that noted weight, and he was con- 
firmed in his estimate of the fish— 
under 300 pounds, 286. То be honest, 
nothing to brag about, actually. Doc's 
marlin would have bettered it by a few 
dozen pounds, and suddenly the insuf- 
ficiency of the day wearied his spirit. 
He felt unsatisfied and irritable. 
Watching someone else fish was like 
watching somcone clse make love, and 
of course he'd rather watch than not 
watch, but like anyone but a fool, he'd 
rather do. On the boat, watching the 
young mate fumble with the gaff until 
finally the fish spit the hook, Payne 
could barely contain himself from 
yelling, That's not the way you do it, for 
Christ’s sake! He was still bent over the 
register, making notes, when he heard 
his name called and looked up, and 
there was Senor So-and-so, whatever 
his name was, the deputy from the 
ministry of information who, two days 
earlier, had issued Payne his accredita- 
tion, a tedious process that had re- 
quired him to lose half a day sitting іп 
the offices of the Cuban press agency 
while the bureaucrats tried to deter- 
mine if he was who he said he was. "I'm 
nobody worth this much of your time,” 
he had wanted to say, but then he had 
never understood why bureaucracies 
and their glacial mechanisms func- 
tioned the same under any system, 
good or bad, large or small. 

“Бейог Payne, I need you please to 
come with me, okay?" 

"Is something wrong?" Elliott Payne 
answered absently, studying the man's 
attire, his chinos and white guayabera, 


and then staring at the mustache 
crowning his indulgent smile until sud- 
denly he remembered his deputy's 
name. Diaz. There was nothing Payne 
could read as menacing in the lines of 
the man's expression, but in his dark, 
unwavering eyes was а grave but nev- 
ertheless respectful concern, and he 
seemed to have lost the ease of author- 
ity he had displayed so self-importanıly 
from behind his desk at the ministry. 
The official took his elbow, lightly— 
Payne liked it that the Cubans did this, 
touching you when they talked—and 
led him back past the fueling dock, the 
Cerebella still hosting the scrum of re- 
porters, the jaunty neurosurgeon lav- 
ished with attention, surrounded by 
the messengers of the world. 

Diaz smiled, nodding once at the 
boat. "The Jew wins nothing, but still 
the journalists love him, no?" 

Payne was taken off guard by the 
comment. Was he supposed to answer 
that? He didn't know if, like so much of 
the planet, the Cubans had a problem 
with Jews. Maybe that was the Soviet 
influence, an annotated contamination 
after 30 years of influence—Oh, by the 
мау, we despise the Jews too, money- 
grubbing bankers and all—but the offi- 
cial had said it without apparent mal- 
ice, casually and with mild amusement, 
as though he had made a charmingly 
astute observation. 

"He's colorful," said Payne with a 
trace of sarcasm, tired of the doc's 
crude allure. "They just want a story." 

"Yes, that's true," Diaz said, and 
Payne was puzzled by the soft lash of 
irony in his voice. "And you? What 
about you, Sehor Payne? No big fish? 
No story?" 

Elliott Payne began to explain about. 
the article he would write, the focus on 
the revival of the tournament and its 
fabled history, the entrepreneurial mir- 
acle of Marina Hemingway itself, the 
glasnost of sportfishing in Cuba, all of 
these things of equal or greater signifi- 
cance to his editor than the egomania- 
cal neurosurgeon who had broken the 
embargo, but he saw that the deputy 
from the ministry of information was 
not listening to him. They took a short- 
cut across the manicured grass in front 
of a row of condos, Diaz releasing his 
elbow as they stepped onto the walk- 
way that would take them through the 
posh complex to the parking lot. Again 
Payne asked if anything was wrong. 


Апа what could it be, anyway? Yes, he 


had flown in from Mérida without the 
proper documentation, but the Cubans 
had fawned over him the minute he 
stepped off the plane, not stamping his 
passport even though he had wanted a 
souvenir, waving him through customs, 
putting him into a taxi that took him 
Straight to La Prensa, where this very 
man had fixed the paperwork and then 
sent him off to Cubanacán, the newly 
formed and stupendously powerful 
tourist agency where, without Payne 
even asking, they had provided him 
with а car and driver and a ration book 
for securing gasoline. We love love love 
Americans. Americans ate welcome here! 
He didn't know Cuba, didn't know 
much about Cuba, had never been 
there before, and so he was wary. He 
knew not to talk to dissidents on the 
streets—on more than one level that 
was not a particularly legitimate way to 
spend his time in Cuba but he sure as 
hell had legitimacy here at the marina, 
with the boats, among the fishermen. 
He had bought a box of Cohibas on the 
black market from a starving old man, 
but did anybody really care about a 
transgression as expected and pre- 
dictable as that? Was he in trouble for 
gars? In the parking lot was a black 
late-model Mercedes sedan, the driver 
holding the door open for them and, 
incredibly, an escort of armed soldiers 
in an open jeep, squinting now at El- 
liott Payne's hesitation, watching him 
decide what to do as he stopped and set 
his feet. 

"Hold on," he said, alarmed, his 
voice bolting out of his throat. He felt a 
chill burst of sweat under his arms and 
across the back of his neck. “Am I in 
trouble?" 

"Not at all, Senor Payne," Diaz said, 
but the dry exactness of his courtesy 
was not reassuring. 

“Ат I being deported?” 

“Of course not, Mr. Payne. You are 
our guest, but please, you must come 
in the car with me, Please. You know 
the godfather, yes? Everyone knows 
the godfather. I am offering you a story 
you can't refuse. 

"You know,” he said amiably, trying 
not to be offensive, "unless it's about 
fishing, it wouldn't interest me." He 
studied the ashen pouches under 
Diaz's eyes, his slicked-back hair; the 
deputy's suave demeanor nov turned 
tense and, Payne sensed, dangerous, 
trying to judge if he had to obey this 
man. 

"Something like a type of fishing, 
Señor Payne." He heard the impa- 
tience in the deputy's voice. Diaz's lip 
lifted in a self-aware smile, recognizing 
a joke he never intended. "Yes, about 
fishing. Please get in the car." 

They rode in air-conditioned silence 

(continued on page 150) 


Cool Lover 


WAY, BONS, Y BAER 
BE GOING. HEN HUST A 
BE MISSING HE. 


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QUICK) 


З WONDER IE SHE HAS 
AVNER HESE DAYS 
SHE SERHS 5o DISTANT, 


аумақ y ACRE 


121 


JAIME 
UNTAMED 


THIS FREE-SPIRITED 
HOLYWOOD STAR IS READY 
TO BUST LOOSE 


onsidering her undeniable sex appeal and her with my friends, knock back a margarita, talk 
capacity for being the focal point of any crowd, about real stuff and laugh." Suddenly we wish 

you'd think Jaime Pressly's natural habitat would we'd invited the 26-year-old actress to meet us 

be the glitzy Hollywood gala. Think again. "I somewhere—anywhere—more down-to-earth 
could care less about red carpets and velvet than a swank poolside cafe. But even dressed 
ropes,” says the high-flying star of the new action down in jeans, a T-shirt and a knit cap, Jaime out- 

film Torque. "it's like pulling teeth to get me to shines the trendy surroundings. 

those things. | want to go sit at a hole-in-the-wall Jaime comes by her affinity for the simpler 123 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY PATRICK DEMARCHELIER 


things naturally: She grew up іп rural North Carolina and 
returns there often to visit her family. "We go out on a boat to 
fish, and my favorite part is scaling, cleaning and filleting the 
catch before we cook it ul he says. With a dance instruc- 
tor for a mother, Jaime was pulling off pirouettes almost as 
soon as she could walk, and she began years of rigorous 
dance and gymnastics training at the age of three. By the 
time Jaime was in her teens, her looks were making other 
people do somersaults, and at 15 she became legally eman- 
cipated—with her parents’ blessing—so she could work as a 
model in Japan and Italy. She's lived on her own ever since, 
but all that freedom has never clouded her judgment. "I was 
the youngest model in my group in Tokyo, and we lived right 
around the corner from the main drag where all the bars and 
clubs are. | would до out with them every night and was kind 
of like the babysitter," she says. "I didn't drink or do drugs; I 
was there to work. I'm Southern, so | have morals and а 
brain, and | give a damn about my career." 

Jaime's big-screen debut was іп 1997's Poison Ivy: The 
New Seduction, a movie that tops many a guy's guilty- 


pleasures list. Though the plot seems to revolve around 
Jaime's frequently naked, soaking-wet physique more than 
anything else, the film did lead to more roles, inclucing the 
dancer downstairs on the WB's Jack & Jill and a corrosive 
head cheerleader in the 2001 spoof Not Another Teen Movie. 
She smiles widely when we mention that she plays an excel- 
lent bitch in the latter. "It was a composite of all the charac- 
ters | was up for and didn't get, so | got to poke fun at them all 
in one role," she says. Now she's playing a biker babe in the 
fast and furious Torque, starring Ice Cube. "My character is 
the bad boy's girlfriend," she says. "She's got a pierced 
nose, her whole back is tattooed, she drives a chopper, and 
she walks around with a butterfly knife. I already knew about 
motorcycles. In fact, right before Torque | did an Aerosmith 
videc and taught all the other girls how to ride, because they 
were scared even to get on the Vespas we were using." 
Showbiz parties aren't the only Hollywood trappings 
Jaime avoids; for now, she says, she has sworn ofí dating 
actors. "I'm an actress, and actresses get a little crazy some- 


limes. I think if | were limited to being only with somebody 


Jaime has a Leo tattoo 
at the base af her back 
with Chinese writing 
that translates to 
"healthy, strong and 
brave.” She wasn't 
always hip to inking, 
though. "I thought 
tattoos looked cool on 
other people," she says. 
"But my attitude was, if 
you wauldn't put graffiti 
an the Mona Lisa, why 
would you do il fo your 
body? I've got this 
rebel thing in me, so | 
eventually got one.” 


SEE MORE NUDES DF JAIME AT CYBER.PLAYBOYCOM. 


else in this business | would be single for the rest of my life. 
My job drove some former boyfriends crazy. They hated 
that other guys would look at me. My response was, 'Right, 
but see, they are the ones who pay to see my movie and 
rent my DVD. I'm flattered and lucky that | have fans in the 
first place, and I'm going to talk to them and be nice to 
them. Plus, a lot of girls come up to me too.'" 

Jaime recently finished starring in and co-producing the 
upcoming independent film Death to the Supermodel. "It's 
a spoof on the modeling industry, and | play the overbear- 
ingly perky editor of a magazine that's going downhill," she 
says. “I found that producing comes naturally to me. | like 
making sure my crew is taken care of." 

She likes taking care of business, too. A self-described 
multitasker, Jaime juggled several projects around her 
tropical PLAYBoy shoot, including landing a recurring role on 


the CBS series Becker, volunteering for the Elizabeth 
Glaser Pediatric AIDS Foundation and finalizing her new 
clothing line. "I started sketching designs during downtime 
on the Torque set, and it turned into a lingerie-and-sleep- 
wear line," she says. "I've always loved designing. Now the 
things І have created are in high-end boutiques, and 
they're called J'aime—French for ‘I love." 

Actress, producer, fashion designer. Whether or not she 
shuns the red carpet, Jaime has certainly come a long мау 
from lazy days spent waiting for the fish to bite in North 
Carolina. “i love home because it's relaxing,” she says, 
"but | wouldn't exactly call myself the same girl. Now l'm 
used to the faster pace. It's slow there, and | go crazy after 
a while because | need to work. | like being able to capti- 
vate people, to take them out of their reality and make them 
feel something else—something better—for a while." 


MAKEUP BY MARIE JOSÉE LAFONTAINE 
HAIR BY MICHEL ALEMAN FOR FREOERIC FEKKAI BEAUTE 
STYLING BY LISA MARIE FERNANOEZ 


PLAYBOY 


JOHNNY TAPIA „гес 


Teresa’s bridal night was spent alone т a sleazy motel. 
Tapia went to make а call and didn't come back. 


my grandpa's footsteps. He'd been a coal 
miner and he had black lung, but he'd 
get me up early in the morning and go 
running with me." 

Over the next nine years Tapia assem- 
bled an amateur record of 101 wins and 21 
losses. Fighting in the 112-pound Junior 
Fly division. he won the National Golden 
Gloves, PAL and Junior Olympic cham- 
Вонр When Tapia was 21 he turned 
pro. Fighting seven or eight times a year as 
a flyweight he stormed the division, win- 
ning the USBA title. He had a promotion- 
al contract with boxing powerhouse Top 
Rank. He was being offered soft drink 
commercials and other endorsements. 

Tapia says he never did drugs while he 
was an amateur, "because I wanted to be 
champion of the world, and I wanted my 
grandpa to be proud of me." By the time 
he had turned pro, however, "it was an 
on-and-off thing.” In 1990 Tapia was un- 
defeated in 22 pro bouts when he tested 
positive for cocaine three times. He was 
banned from the sport until he could 
clean himself up. 

“1 was out for three years and seven 
months. That was the worst time of my 
life," says Tapia. He was homeless, job- 
less, in and out of jail and strung out on 
cocaine and heroin. 


THE COMEBACK 


Teresa Chavez first ran into Tapia at a 
party in 1992, when she was 20 years 
old. He approached her, and she brushed 
him off. “I had no idea who Johnny 
Tapia was," she says. The snub only chal- 
lenged him. He kept cropping up. He 
went out of his way to meet and befriend 
one of her brothers. He started hanging 
out with her cousins. "My grandmother 
had known him for years," says Teresa, 
"because one of his favorite things was 
going to the senior center to dance with 
the old ladies. They were friends.” 

He was living on the street. He made 
money fighting in the back rooms and 
beer coolers of bars. "The only rule was 
that no guns were allowed," says Teresa. 
“He'd sit me in a booth and tell me to 
wait. He'd come back after a while look- 
ing roughed up, with a case of beer un- 
der опе arm and some money." 

As one reporter put it, “Johnny could 
charm the venom from a snake." Teresa's 
mother adored him. Her grandmother 
let him live in her house. He begged 
Teresa to marry him until the older 
women got sick of hearing about it and 
urged her to say yes just to shut him up. 
In 1903 Teresa and Johnny were mar- 
ried by a justice of the peace at the Wells 


182 Park Community Center. 


On the afternoon of their wedding 
Teresa was sitting on her mother's sofa 
surrounded by wedding guests when 
one of Tapia's cousins approached her. 
“If you want to see what you married,” 
he said, “go look in the bathroom.” 

She opened the bathroom door and 
found Tapia with a needle in hisarm. He 
tried to shove her out of the room 
“What a mistake Га made,” she says. “It 
was a slap in the face. Reality” Tapia 
later got into a fight on the lawn, and the 
police arrived. They let him go when he 
agreed to leave for his honeymoon. 

Teresa's bridal night was spent alone 
in a sleazy motel. Tapia said he had to 
make a phone call, then took her car and 
didn't come back. "I was too humiliated 
to call anyone and tell them I was alone,” 
she says. 

The next morning her mother took 
her to the hospital, where Tapia was in a 
coma from a drug overdose. The doctors 
told the weeping Teresa that they didn't 
know if he would make it and that if he 
did there might be brain damage. They 
asked if she wanted a priest. Then Tapia 
awoke, ripped the tubes out of his arms 
and ran out of the hospital with the 
gown flapping over his butt. He thought 
the cops were coming for him. Teresa 
drove around the hospital until he came 
ош of hiding, then took him home. 

A pattern emerged. He'd disappear 
on a drug binge and come back days or 
weeks later to be nursed back to health. 
"Then he'd do it again. She tried moving 
him out of Albuquerque to a town near- 
by. She went to Mexico with him, where 
his grandparents paid to have a witch 
pray over him. In their first year togeth- 
er she had two failed pregnancies and 
decided not to try for children again. 

Teresa eventually had had enough. 
She found her own apartment in Albu- 
querque and worked two jobs, focusing 
on saving money, getting a divorce and 
starting over. Tapia was in jail. His man- 
ager, Paul Chavez, begged Teresa to take 
her husband back when he got out. 
Teresa told Chavez to take Tapia into his 
own house to clean him up. "He said, 
"What if he robs me? Or kills me?'" says 
"Teresa. "It was obviously okay if Johnny 
robbed or killed me.” 

She finally agreed to take him back on 
her own terms. Her tiny one-bedroom 
apartment had iron bars on all the win- 
dows and doors. Tapia agreed to be locked 
in for two months. Teresa had sayed 
enough money to quit her jobs and lock 
herself in with him. Her mother brought 
food every day and shoved it through 
the bars of a window. The first weeks 


were horrible, with Tapia screaming in 
withdrawal, then raging or weeping, beg- 
ging for at least a beer. “We fought like 
crazy. He hated my guts,” says Teresa. 

At one point Tapia erupted in fury at 
the confinement. He ripped through the 
apartment, breaking dishes and orna- 
ments. Snatching a heavy iron-framed 
mirror from the wall, he swung it at 
Teresa, meaning to hit her, but it 
smashed on the floor. Fed up with feel- 
ing threatened, "Teresa grabbed a shard 
of mirror and leaped at Tapia, stabbing 
him in the thigh. Shocked and bleeding, 
Tapia ran around the small rooms, yelp- 
ing and spraying blood. Furious, Teresa 
*pulled a Johnny" herself, yelling and 
throwing things. 

He showed her his bleeding leg. "Look 
what you did to me!" he screamed, and. 
she kicked the wound. He was afraid of 
her then. 

The fourth week, she says, “we actual- 
ly started talking. Finding ош a lot about 
each other and feelings that he had ofin- 
adequacy as an adult that stem back to 
childhood problems.” He began to getin 
shape, running in place and doing 
jumping jacks and sit-ups and push-ups 
in the apartment. “He started to trans- 
form into this awesome human being. 
That's when I fell in love with him. Be- 
cause I knew there was a good person 
under there, and he didn't mind it any- 
more that we were locked in.” Tapia gets 
a goofy grin remembering Teresa's 
apartment. “It was a safe place,” he says, 
“where Big Macs just appeared, sliding 
through the bars.” 

In March 1994 Tapia and his trainer 
flew to Oklahoma for his first legal bout 
in years. For the first time Teresa would 
see her husband fight. She was terrified. 
On the phone before the match she 
begged him not to go through with it. 
Tapia knocked out Jaime Olvera in the 
fourth round. In July he won the North 
American Boxing Federation champi- 
onship, stopping his opponent in the 
third round. 

“He got paid $10,000 for that fight, 
one of his biggest paydays at that time,” 
says Teresa. "After the manager's cut, we 
had $7,000 left. We were going to pay 
bills.” The couple stopped at a cafe for 
lunch, and Tapia began to pick at Teresa, 
deliberately trying to set off an argu- 
ment, He'd been clean for seven months, 
and she had forgotten the signs of his 
wanting to use again. Back on the road, 
he pulled over, pushed her out of the car 
and drove off. Then he made a U-turn 
and came back. She expected him to in- 
vite her back in. Instead he grabbed her 
purse, took all the money, threw down 
the purse and drove off again. She made 
her way home by bus and heard on TV 
the news of Tapia’s arrest for selling 
cocaine. It turned out to be soap. 

"Every three or four months,” says 
Teresa, "he'd slip up. He'd take off. 1 
wouldn't see him or hear from him." She 


would bail him ош and clean him up 
and get him back in the ring, where no- 
body could touch him. In October 1994, 
in his hometown, Johnny Tapia won his 
first world title, the World Boxing Orga- 
nization championship, and he cried for 
joy in the ring. A few months later the 
couple adopted their first child, Jona- 
thon, from a relative of Teresa's. (The 
Tapias adopted Lorenzo, the son of a 
family friend, about three years ago.) 

Тһе following year, while Tapia was 
training for a tough defense of his world 
title, one of Teresa's brothers was in the 
hospital. Teresa came home from visit- 
ing him to find Johnny gonc. According 
to police reports, he then showed up 
high at five in the morning and threat- 
ened Teresa with a gun, accusing her of 
having an affair with his boxing rival, 
Romero. He shoved her around; when 
she went to call the police, he ran away 
and left the gun behind. She filed 
charges. The police couldn't find him, 
and he came back later that day. Не 
didn't remember what he'd done. 

The couple's lawyer made a deal that 
"Tapia wouldn't have to appear in court 
until after his title fight against Arthur 
Johnson. He squeaked by with a majority 
decision. Then, with the check for his 
$60,000 share of the $100,000 purse, 
Tapia disappeared once more. He had to 


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be in court the following week. He sur- 
faced again in a hospital; someone had 
driven up to the emergency room door 
and thrown him out onto the pavement. 
Overdose. As soon as he woke up and 
was released, he disappeared. 


SHANGHAIED 


Tapia now faced serious time. Desper- 
ate, Teresa went to Judge Frank Allen. 
The judge laid out the requirements— 
get Tapia out of New Mexico and into 
rehab and probation programs. He 
didn’t want to see or hear about him 
anymore. Top Rank, Tapia's promoter, 
put Teresa in touch with Oscar De La 
Hoya, who had a mountain training 
camp in Big Bear, California 

“Bring Johnny to Big Bear,” De La 
Hoya told her. “My trainer will work 
with him. He can train at my gym. We'll 
help you make arrangements. You can 
get a temporary house.” She lined up 
the treatment programs in the vicinity— 
all without Johnny’s knowledge 

Fearing that Tapia would miss а court 
date during his latest binge. she tricked 
him into returning home. When he 
walked in the door, her family and his 
doctor were waiting in the living room. 
They grabbed him and pinned him down 
while the doctor administered a tranquil- 
izer that put Tapia to sleep. With the doc- 


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tor monitoring his condition, they kept 
Tapia tranquilized for days, allowing 
him to emerge for the court appearance 
and then medicating him again. They 
packed without his noticing. Teresa and 
her mother and brother put him into a 
car and took off for California with Tapia 
drugged. Whenever he was awake 
enough to eat during the trip, they 
drugged his food. He was in a stupor 
when they arrived at the house in Big 
Bear and wrangled him up to the second- 
floor bedroom. Tapia's previous house 
had only one floor, so when he woke up 
during the night he fell down the stairs. 
“Teresa, I don't know what's wrong with 
me,” he screamed. “I’m hallucinating so 
bad I see places I've never seen before.” 

For a month Tapia hated the exile 
from Albuquerque. Then he decided to 
be a sport. “Oscar was a good influence,” 
says Teresa. "He would tell Johnny, ‘You 
have a lot of talent. You have to do the 
right things. We have more to prove be- 
cause we are Hispanic.” 

Tapia's ring name had been the Baby- 
Faced Assassin, but the years and the 
scars were draining the juice from that 
moniker. De La Hoya and his trainer, 
Roberto Alcazar, gave Tapia his new 
name. “Whenever І walked into the 
gym,” Tapia says, "they'd say, Ah, mi vida 
loca!" Because I was so crazy all the time." 


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PLAYBOY 


134 


The 18 months of court-supervised 
exile from New Mexico kept Tapia clean. 
He fought regularly and took frequent 
drug screens. When he had a bout in 
New Mexico, he had to ask permission 
from the court and file a detailed in-and- 
out flight plan. By the time the restric- 
tions ended, Tapia had his own gym and 
house in Big Bear and stayed on. But 
then the binges began again. 


WHO'S DRIVING? 


By 1995 Tapia's old manager, Paul 
Chavez, refused to work with him. Teresa 
took over. Four of his world titles were 
won under her management. He із опе 
of the few boxers in the “іше guy" divi- 
sions to earn a million-dollar purse. She 
negotiates contracts with promoters and 
television networks, accepts or rejects 
opponents and handles all finances and 
business affairs. “Johnny always waits 
outside or in another room,” she ex- 
plains. “Fighters never sit in when con- 
tracts are being negotiated, because 
it would hurt them. They are talked 
about like meat.” 

“To this day Teresa struggles to main- 
tain her calm during bouts. “He is always 
looking at me. If I show him a worried 
expression, he gets worried. When it's 
fight time he is not my husband; he is my 
fighter. You can't baby a fighter, because 
he is out there putting his life on the line 
and he needs every ounce of ferocious- 
ness to do what he has to do. I have 
learned not to hinder that. You have to be 
strong. You can't show your fear, because 
he reflects your emotion and absorbs it.” 

A cruel reality is that athletes spend a 
lifetime developing skills that shape their 


identities. They are still young when they 
must stop and become someone else en- 
tirely. When Johnny Tapia retires from 
the ring, the change will be almost as 
dramatic for his wife as it will be for him. 

Teresa is trying to figure out what life 
afier boxing will mean for both of them. 
She has been negotiating with producers 
for a movie of her husband's life. Mean- 
while she is buying a building in Albu- 
querque to renovate as a boxing gym 
where Tapia can train other fighters. 
Various charities would like to be in- 
volved with him. A restaurant and bar 
business might be a good investment. 
‘Teresa is considering Tapia cigars, Tapia 
tequila, Tapia clothing. Asked if she can 
be sure Johnny won't end up dead broke 
in a gutter, her eyes flicker. "He might 
still end up dead in a gutter,” she says, 
“but he won't be broke." 


TAPIA DAY CAMP. 


Itisa hot August afternoon іп Las Vegas, 
and Johnny Tapia and his two adopted 
sons have been in the swimming pool for 
hours. Jonathon, 11, demonstrates his 
submarine skills and says, “My dad's 
been teaching me since I was two." The 
toddler, Lorenzo, charges off the diving 
board, and the session ends in giggles 
when Tapia hoists him out and runs in- 
side through the patio doors to change 
his diaper. “I didn’t think Га ever be a 
father,” says Tapia, shaking his head. 
The big stucco house has a bewilder- 
ing number of rooms, including Johnny's 
memorabilia museum, a boxing gym and 
‘Teresa's office. Thick walls keep out the 
desert heat and the kids’ noise. The 
home sits in a gated community of simi- 


“Forget the smile!” 


lar houses, and by late afternoon what 
Teresa calls Tapia Day Camp has the 
backyard swarming with neighborhood 
kids, who are swimming, playing basket- 
ball and bouncing on the trampoline. 
The children clamor for Tapia's atten- 
tion, and he's there for cach one, tireless. 
Or maybe his restless motion provides 
protection as much as pleasure. If he 
were forced to sit still, the storm in his 
head might take over. 

Their house is always bustling with 
live-in relatives, visiting friends and busi- 
ness associates. “I have to have a lot of 
people around all the time,” says Teresa, 
“because I never know what Johnny will 
do.” She tells about a guest suite that 
is fitted with special locks. When Tapia 
was on a drug binge, Teresa barricaded 
herself and the children in the suite. “I 
took lots of videos and toys and books 
and food and the cell phones,” she s: 
“and told them we were camping ош 

They have weathered the binges, in- 
cluding one when Tapia crept through 
their house with a knife, sliding the 
blade beneath each closed door. “Now 
Johnny's happiest time,” says Teresa, "is 
when he falls into bed at night and 
knows he's managed to get through ап- 
other day. His hardest time is waking 
up, knowing he has another day to face." 

Tapia tries to do good. There is the 
tale of the diner waitress who served 
meals to the Tapias for months. One day 
she broke down crying because her hus- 
band had been laid off from work. The 
parents and their kids were living in 
their car. Within 24 hours Johnny Tapia 
had bought them a decent house. 

Sometimes there are mixed messages 
about what's good. Maybe family loyalty 
should end short of going on the lam with 
a violent cousin. But high drama is part of 
Tapia's charm. Teresa agrees: “We joke 
about it. Johnny says, ‘If I don't give you 
any problems, how are you going to han- 
dle it? I say, Johnny, I don't think that 
will ever happen.” But I think I could do 
with 20 years of peace and quiet.” 


COMING HOME 


Neither peace nor quiet are in evidence 
on September 26 in Tingley Coliseum. 
Spotlights and big video screens flash 
ring close-ups to the highest reaches of 
the grandstands. It is obvious from the 
scent thar this creaking arena on Albu- 
querque's permanent fairground hosted 
a rodeo only a week earlier. 

The hometown fans have cheered and 
groaned through Tapia's tabloid roller 
coaster life. Tonight some 4,500 are here 
to hail his resurrection. “Without the 
crowd I'm not who I am,” says Tapia. 
The preliminary bouts limber up their 
lungs, and the shout goes up the instant 
Tapia appears in a cloud of smoke. The 
familiar chant is “John-ee, John-ee” in а 
collective baritone. 

"The roaring crowd generates enough 
heat to make Tapia young again in this, 


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his 58th professional fight. For 27-year- 
old Carlos Contreras, this will be his 
29th. Fighting out of the hungry war- 
rens of Juárez, Mexico, Contreras is 
strong, skilled and intent on a win. 

When the bell rings Contreras 
charges, and Tapia nails him with a 
three-punch combination—jab, hook, 
right hand. Tapia's left arm, practically 
disabled after his last bout, against Bar- 
rera, is back, and it is fast. His reflexes 
are tuned high. His old legs pivot con- 
stantly to fresh zn Tapia doesn't 
have to stay at a distance or run. He 
makes Contreras miss from inches away. 
He is so elusive that his opponent grows 
desperate by the third round and twice 
tackles him to the floor. Contreras tries 
everything: grappling, head banging, 
elbow-flying fouls and straight hard 
punching. The referee shows his irrita- 
tion, but Tapia seems to enjoy it all. 

‘Tapia pays Contreras the compliment 
of gut-wrenching hooks and jaw-jarring 
uppercuts—the respect of a nose-to-nose 
battle. With the 10th round in his com- 
plete control, Tapia leans over the ropes 
to greet New Mexico governor Bill 
Richardson, who’s sitting ringside. “But 
then Carlos hit me,” Tapia would ex- 
plain later, “so 1 had to get back to it." 
‘The kid stays dangerous to the final bell, 
and Tapia comes through with a solid 
decision against a tough, young and de- 
termined opponent. 

The crowd's voice shakes the roof. 
Black and silver balloons rain down. 
Tapia lifts Contreras onto his shoulders 
and asks the crowd to honor him. Not as 
polite as Tapia, they boo. 

At the news conference afterward 
Tapia's face is swollen and cut, but he 
says he is ready for more. He hopes for 
two or three more bouts and then a 
championship fight soon. He wants to 
retire on a winning note. “This was a big. 
experience,” he says. “People say I'm too 
old, don’t have anything left after the 
coma. I was really nervous. But I'm glad 
to be home. I couldn't believe the atmo- 
sphere, with everybody screaming.” 

Speaking through a translator, Con- 
treras says he hadn't expected Tapia to 
be in such good condition. "He's a little 
crazy, but in Mexico craziness is recog- 
nized as part of sanity,” he says. 

As for the other craziness—the drugs 
and the violence—Tapia will say only, 
“I'm trying. 1 want to live with my wife 
and boxing and my kids. I’m trying.” 
Eyeryone close to him wonders what will 
replace that electricity in Tapia’s high- 
voltage life when the boxing is over 

“1 don't know how his story is going 
to end," says Teresa. "I'd love to think 
that in 30 years we'll be old together and 
surrounded by family. But when I ask 
Johnny how he sees himself in the future, 
he says he's not even sure he'll wake 
up tomorrow.” 


ROBERT BLAKE 


(continued from page 64) 
blood coming out her nose, like a lot. It 
wasn't completely runny and didn't look 
completely fresh. It was mucousy al- 
ready... She was totally catatonic, I 
looked into her eyes. They were all over 
the place. No focus. No anything.” 

When Blake returned, the man says, 
he tried to console him. After the para- 
medics arrived, Blake began crying. 

“What I found odd,” the man says in a 
confidential tone, “was there were по 
tears. I'm a director, so I'm looking at 
him as an actor... It's really weird to see 
someone go"—the man acts out heart- 
wrenching sobs—"and nothing is com- 
ing out. I don’t know if it’s shock that 
shuts it off. I have no clue.” 


PART Il: INVESTIGATION 


MONDAY, MAY 7, 2001 
MURDER WEAPON 


‘The squad room is thrumming with activ- 
ity. Captain Jim Tatreau, the commander 
of Robbery-Homicide, wants an update 
onthe case, so he calls a meeting in his of- 
fice. Ito, Eguchi and Hartwell, along with 
four other Homicide 11 detectives drafted 
to help with the Bakley investigation— 
Knolls, Brian McCartin, Whelan and 
Whelan’s partner, Jim Gollaz—assemble 
around the conference table. The mood 
in the room is uncharacteristically tense 
and subdued, with little of the usual hu- 
mor and razzing. The supervisors and 
detectives knew this murder would at- 
tract some attention, but because the vic- 
tim was an aging grifter and Blake was 


best known for a television show canceled 
more than 90 years ago, they had not an- 
ticipated the firestorm of publicity. Now 
the specter of the O.J. Simpson debacle 
hovers over this investigation. 

Ito opens the meeting by telling the 
detectives that Sunday's autopsy re- 
vealed that either shot could have been 
the fatal one. "The one in the shoulder 
severed the carotid artery, lodged in the 
aorta and caused severe internal bleed- 
ing." The trajectory of the shots was al- 
most level, with a slightly upward tilt. 
"This means the shooter was crouching,” 
Ito says. “Не was using the Dumpster for 
cover. Since she allowed the shooter to 
get so close, she probably knew him." 

The coroner removed a slug from the 
aorta, “with stria visible, so it's good for 
comparison,” Ito says. He is still waiting 
for Ballistics to confirm that the Walther 
was the murder weapon. “There was no 
stippling, so the head shot wasn't a contact 
wound. But since the casing was in the car, 
she was probably shot at pretty close 
range. No defense wounds on her hands.” 

Ito then delivers the bad news: LAPD 
technicians could not lift a single print 
from the gun. “Not even a smudge,” he 
says. "And we keep trying to run the 
gun different ways. Nothing. We figure 
it’s unregistered." 

Eguchi drives to the Firearms Analysis 
Unit, housed in a weathered single-story 
structure about five miles north of 
downtown. He clutches the Walther in a 
large manila envelope. Ito explains to a 
supervisor that the gun was found in the 
Dumpster and asks, “Does a Walther 
eject like a Beretta?” 


“Now, isn't that better than an old Valentine card?” 


137 


PLAYBOY 


The supervisor shakes his head: А 
Walther is the rare semiautomatic pistol 
that ejects casings to the left. 

Ito now knows how one of the casings 
ended up inside the car. The shooter was 
crouching beside the car, slightly behind 
Bakley, when he shot her in the head. 
The casing flew into the open window. 

All the detectives on the Bakley case 
now meet in Tatreau's office, including 
Robert Bub, who has just been assigned 
the job of clue coordinator. He will sift 
through all the tips and phone calls and 
grade them in order of importance. 
Then a civilian employee will enter 
them іп the computer. 

*I got a call at home from Firearms 
last night at 11,” Ito says, opening the 
meeting. Everyone looks up immediate- 
ly. “They made the coroner's bullet to 
the Walther.” He pauses as the detec- 
tives nod appreciatively. "So we have the 
murder weapon." 

"Any news on the ejector marks?" 
Hartwell asks. 

“We're still waiting," Ito says. “What 
do we have on tracing the gun?” 

"A manufacturer does not have to re- 
port sales on guns made before 1968.” 
Whelan says. 

"Let's sce if there's a way to trace guns 
brought over here from Germany after 
the war," Ito says. 

Whelan reports the findings of an 
LAPD blood-splatter expert: "The 
crime lab determined she was shot right 
there at that location"—not shot, 
dumped in the car and then driven to 
the street near Vitello's. "She was most 
likely shot in the shoulder first. And 
when she was leaning over the console 
she was shot the second time. There 
were a few specks of blood on the driv- 
er's seat, They would have smeared if 
someone had satin the seat after she was 
Killed. The blood splatters have what's 
called a directional tail, so we can deter- 
mine where the shot came from.” 


MOTIVE 
On Tuesday afternoon, four days after 
the murder, Bakley's sister, Margerry, ar- 
rives at the squad room door accompa- 
nied by a tabloid reporter who has paid 


for her exclusive story. Margerry, four 
years younger than her sister, is heavyset 
and pasty-faced and wears black stretch 
pants, a coral-colored T-shirt and brown 
leather sandals. Ito and Eguchi are busy 
examining the evidence, so Whelan and 
Gollaz escort her to an interview room— 
without the tabloid reporter. Margerry 
recounts the night Bonny met Blake and 
her occasional visits back to Los Angeles. 

“Every time they had sex, he'd call her 
afterward, worried about her being preg- 
nant. He'd say, “You've got to be pregnant. 
I'm Italian. We have very strong sperm." 

Sometimes they would have sex in the 
car. But even when they had sex at Blake's 
house, Margerry says, he would not allow 
Bakley to spend the night or even to sleep 
in his bed. "She had to talk about it," 
Mergerry says. "She was so elated. Some 
of the conversations were for six or seven 
hours. I'd fall asleep or hang up." 

Margerry then tells the detectives 
about Christian Brando. "She had a bet- 
тег relationship with him than with 
Blake. He was nice," she says earnestly, 
“for a murderer." 

“Nicer than most murderers?” Whelan 
asks dryly. 

Margerry looks flustered. “I don’t 
know how to put it.” 

"Let's talk about the baby,” Whelan says. 

Bakley timed her visits to Los Angeles 
for when she was ovulating, and to en- 
hance her chances she took the fertility 
drug Clomid, Margerry says. 

“Why'd she want to get pregnant?” 
Gollaz asks. 

"She wanted to marry him, and she 
knew she couldn't get him unless she got. 
pregnant. She read an article on how to 
take a tampon, put cellophane on it, in- 
sert it afterward and stand on your head 
so the sperm won't come out." Margerry 
holds her palms together as if praying. 

“Did she try this for a while or did it 
work the first time?" Gollaz asks. 

Margerry smiles. "I think it worked 
the first time.” 


Blake was enraged al the neus of her preg- 
nancy, according to Margerry, and. asked 
Bakley to have an abortion. When he realized 
she would not terminate the pregnancy he cut 


off contact with her. Back home in Little 
Rock, Arkansas, where she was on parole for 
possession of stolen identity and credit cards, 
Bakley gave birth to a baby girl on June 2, 
2000; she sent pictures of the child to Blake, 
who took a paternity test that proved he had 
fathered the child. 

In September 2000 Bakley flew out to L.A. 
with the baby and met Blake along with, ас- 
cording to court records, a former employee of 
the actor who posed as a nanny. While Bakley 
was there, Blake managed to separate her 
from the child. He then paid a private іпиез- 
tigator to contact Bakley's probation officer in 
Arkansas, where, he hoped, she would be 
placed under house arrest for parole viola- 
tion. She reportedly filed a complaint accus- 
ing Blake of kidnapping. Then, іп October, 
Blake inexplicably agreed to marriage and 
moved Bakley into the guesthouse behind his 
home. According to Margerry, however, һе 
kept up his threats about her betrayal. “She 
was saying all the time, “He's going to kill me, 
he's going to КШ тег” 


THE BODYGUARD 


‘Thursday is the first morning the detec- 
tives do not meet in Tatreau's office: He 
is too busy negotiating with Blake's at- 
torney, Harland Braun. In Blake’s 
guesthouse, Bakley had left numerous 
boxes of letters from her male corre- 
spondents; Braun plans to turn them 
over to the LAPD. He has told reporters 
that many of these men had a motive to 
kill Bakley and are potential suspects 
because she ripped them off. 

A few hours later, in the early evening, 
Earle Caldwell, whom friends described. 
as Blake's bodyguard and handyman, 
stops by the squad room. Ito believes 
Caldwell may be a key to the case. 

Fortuitously, a friend of Bakley's has 
just called the station with a tip about 
Caldwell: Bakley had confided, thc 
friend says, that after a trip with Blake 
to Arizona they ed Sequoia National 
Park, and she suspected that Caldwell 
was supposed to kill her but that he was 
so nervous he became sick and could 
not pull the trigger. 

Ito had attempted to interview Cald- 
well the day before, but he refused, say- 
ing he wanted a lawyer with him. Today 


he is accompanied Бу one, paid for Бу 
Blake. Caldwell, unshaved and balding, 
is about six feet tall, slender and fit, yet 
he does not have the physical presence 
ofa bodyguard. 

When Bakley lived in the guesthouse, 
Caldwell says, she and Blake "were 
lovey-dovey.” 

“Don’t you think that’s odd when 
they were sleeping in separate resi- 
dences?” Ito asks sarcastically, but Cald- 
well does not respond. 

When Bakley visited, Caldwell says, 
he served as her bodyguard. He noticed 
that she was constantly looking over her 
shoulder as if she feared someone was 
following her. Bakley was afraid of an 
old boyfriend from New Jersey. Cald- 
well says, "His attitude was, ‘IF I can’t 
have you, no one сап.” 

Caldwell then recounts a story similar 
to the one Blake had told North Holly- 
wood detectives about а man they called 
Buzzcut, who appeared to be staking out 
the house. At the end of the interview Ito 
asks Caldwell who he thinks would want 
to kill Bakley. Caldwell says he believes 
Blake was actually the target of the hit 
and Bakley was killed by accident. Bak- 
ley had the motive, Caldwell says, be- 
cause she would benefit financially. 

But Bakley had signed a prenuptial 
agreement, so По knows she would not 
have inherited Blake's estate. Barely dis- 
guising his irritation, Ito asks Caldwell if 
he will take a polygraph exam. He refuses, 
saying he does not trust the results. 

At about nine P.M. Ito returns to the 
squad room, coughing and scowling 
Knolls pulls up a chair next to him. 
“Well, Ron, where do we stand?" 

“Blake did it, man,” Ito says. He tells 
Knolls he had been perplexed because 
he didn’t know why a 67-year-old man 
would want custody of a baby. But 
through interviews with Blake's ac- 
quaintances, Ito recently learned that 
the actor's daughter, who is in her п 
30s, is childless. During the past year, 
ever since Blake's private investigators 
hustled Bakley to the airport, she has 
been caring for the baby at her Hidden 
Hills home. 

“So how're we going to prove he did 
it?" Knolls asks. 

“I want to find someone who Blake 
told that he did it,” Ito says. 

“We're not going to find that,” Knolls 
says. 

"It's still carly on,” Ito says. “Someone 
may surface.” 

Earlier, at a coffee shop meeting, а 
detective asks Eguchi about the gun he 
found in the Dumpster. 

“Looks like an antique German gun,” 
Eguchi says. “No markings.” 

"Wouldn't it be great if the gun was a 
Beretta?” Ito says. 

Although the Walther was unregis- 
tered, another detective says, “If 
there's some way to connect Blake to it, 
he's through.” 


PART III: A BREAK IN THE CASE 
ENTER THE STUNTMEN 


The investigation continues. A warrant is exe- 
culed, and about a dozen detectives search 
Blake's home and property. The actor's living. 
room is cluttered with dirty clothes and baby 
toys, with a leather saddle in one corner and a 
stroller in another. Other rooms suggest а тап 
trapped between adolescence and old age, with 
shelues and cabinets filled with toy soldiers, 
vintage Lone Ranger comic books, BB guns, 
cowboy memorabilia and Native American 
relics. With the evidence carted off, the detec- 
tives continue to interview family and friends 
of the victim, including her brother, Joey. 

While interviewing Joey about Blake, 
Ito checks his pager, which is buzzing. 
Mike Coffey, the detective supervisor for 
North Hollywood Homicide, says, “We've 
got a guy here who says he was solicited 
by Blake to kill his wife.” 

Coffey waits in an interview room with 
a man named Gary McLarty, who called 
the station with the revelation that Blake 
had asked him to kill Bakley. McLarty is 
a retired stuntman who first met Blake 
when he worked on the Baretta set 
roughly 30 years ago. At 61, stocky апа 
weather-beaten, he still looks fit enough 
10 perform stunt work. 

Coffey walks out into the hallway, 
greets the detectives and quickly briefs 
them. Then Ito and Eguchi join McLarty 
in the interview room and introduce 
themselves. 

“We're from RHD—downtown,” Ito 
tells McLarty. "We stole this case from 
Mike Coffey. The reason we did is we 
have a little more time to work on one 
case. More manpower." 

“Well, I'm a little late in revealing 
this, but I got so many personal prob- 
lems,” McLarty says sheepishly. He tells 
the detectives about a messy divorce 
and difficulties with some property he 
owns. "It finally got to the point 
where... didn't want to lead you guys 
on a wrong trail, and this could tighten 
things up for you. 1 thought 1 better 
come in and reveal this thing." 

“I'm glad you did," По says in a reas- 
suring tone. 

“That woman didn't deserve what she 
got," McLarty says. 

“No one does, 

“With Robert, he knew I'd killed a guy 
a while back...so he figured because of 
that, and I got off and everything and 
he, you know———," McLarty sputters. 
He speaks in staccato bursts and some- 
times breaks off in midsentence when he 
loses his train of thought. He briefly tells 
the detectives about the incident. The 
victim was an ex-convict who had raped 
a family friend; McLarty says he shot 
him in self-defense. 

Until recently, the last time he had 
seen Blake was more than 20 years ago 
when they worked together on a movie 
called Coast to Coast. Then about six 
weeks ago a mutual acquaintance, a re- 
tired stuntman in his late 60s whom 


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140 


everyone called Snuffy, asked McLarty 
to meet Blake for lunch at Du-Par's 
restaurant in Studio City. 

“Did he say why?” Ito asks. 

“I figured it was a stunt job, a movie 
job,” McLarty says. 

“What happened when you met?" 

“We just bullshitted, a litle small talk. 
Then he started talking about this gal 
that he wanted something done with. 1 
thought— he says, stopping abruptly. 
“Hmm.” 

“Did he specify who this girl was?" 

“He said it was this girl he met at a 


party and fucked one night and got 
pregnant. It turned out it was his kid. 
She was bilking him out ol a lot ot mon- 
еу. To Бе able to keep the kid there һе 
was giving her a couple thousand a 
month. That's why he wanted to get her 
bumped off, I guess." 


THE GOLDEN MOMENT 


Detectives always pray for that one 
golden phone call that will provide the 
critical break in a case. Ito and Eguchi, 
who attempt to remain poker-faced 
and conceal their excitement, realize 


“I got laid in a Lincoln once.” 


they have just received that call. 

McLarty tells the cops that at the 
restaurant he and Blake “just met and 
had some small talk about movies. 1 
thought he wanted me to do a stunt- 
coordinating job or double or something, 
but it turned out he wanted me to kill his 
wife." McLarty sounds incredulous. 

“How'd he say he wanted you to do 
that?" Ito asks. 

“I really can't tell you word-for-word. 
1 just know that in the conversation 
that's what it finally boiled down to." 

"At the restaurant did he mention 
something about killing his wife?” 

“No. I think he wanted to get me to 
the house and show me what a bad per- 
son she was... Oh, man," he says breath- 
lessly, "like reality was overwhelming, to 
say the least." 

McLarty tells them that after bring- 
ing him to the back house, Blake took 
him inside and showed him stacks of 
the letters Bakley had sent to lonely 
men across the country. 

Ito again asks him to recall exactly 
how Blake proposed he kill Bakley. 

“Не showed me where she slept and 
insinuated someone could sneak in here 
at night, slide open the door and sneak 
up there and pop her." 

“Did he say “рор her?" 

"Something to that effect." 

"Тһе afternoon of the meeting, McLar- 
ty tells detectives, Blake then drove him 
back to the restaurant where his car was 
parked and said, "You want to call me?" 

“You call me," McLarty told Blake. 
Then he asked, “And what arc you really 
talking about anyway, moneywise?" 

“How does $10,000 sound?" Blake 
replied. 

About a week later, Blake called 
McLarty, who told him, “1 don’t want to 
have anything to do with this thing at all." 

"Why?" Blake asked. 

“Well, number one, I don't want to 
do anything like that. And the other one 
is your notoriety." 

Blake abruptly ended the conversation. 

When McLarty heard on the news that 
Bakley had been killed, he knew he 
should have contacted police earlier. "But 
1 let it go and I let it go and I let it go. Fi- 
nally I said, ‘I can't let it go any further." 

“Did he ever come out with the exact 
words of him wanting you to kill his 
wife?" Ito asks. 

“More like...‘You walk over and 
pop her.” 

“That's what he said?" 

“Yes.” 

After the interview, as the detectives 
head back downtown, Eguchi and Ito 
exchange a high five. “We have to do a 
lot of work to check out his story, to con- 
firm what he's saying,” says Ito. “But 
there's no doubt that this is a big break." 

The next day, in the early evening, as 
Ito and Eguchi type up witness state- 
ments, detectives Rich Haro and Adrian 
Soler call from the desert to describe 


their interview with a handyman who has 
information about the Bakley murder. A 
few days after the murder, a stuntman 
named Ronald Hambleton confided to 
the handyman that Blake had asked 
him to kill Bakley. Hambleton told the 
handyman. who once worked for him, 
that һе had met Blake at Du-Par's about 
a month before the murder. Later Blake 
drove Hambleton back to his house 
and offered him $100,000 to kill Bakley, 
the handyman said. 

Haro and Soler then interviewed Ham- 
bleton, who acknowledged that Snuffy 
had contacted him and set up a meeting 
with Blake at Du-Par's about a month 
ago. But he said the meeting was about a 
movie project, and he denied that Blake 
had ever mentioned the murder. 

In the morning the detectives and 
Hartwell meet with Haro and Soler in 
the captain's office to hear more about 
the interviews. "Both the informant. 
and Hambleton say the same thing 
about the meeting at Du-Par's and how 
it was arranged," Soler says. "The only 
discrepancy is regarding the solicita- 
tion by Blake." 

“You have a good feeling about this in- 
formant?" Ito asks. 

"Yes," Soler says, 
ing what MeLarty 

Ito shakes Soler's and Haro's hands 
and says, “That's good shit." 

“The timeline's perfect," Hartwell says. 


especially after hear- 


PART IV: PROSECUTION 
THIS 15 HOLLYWOOD 
The investigation now picks up steam. De- 
tectives Knolls and McCartin spend four 
days on the East Coast and in the South, in- 
terviewing Bakley's friends and family. They 
collect stories of threats and inirigue. After 
being briefed, Ito and Eguchi head to the 
Mojave Desert to check ош the story of stunt- 
man Hambleton, who denies the informant's 
tale that Blake had asked him to kill his wife. 

‘The deputy district attorney assigned 
to the Blake case is Greg Dohi, who is 
half Japanese, which inspires more kid- 
ding by the other detectives. Late in 
the morning of Tuesday, May 25, Dohi 
stops by to confer with Ito and Eguchi. 
Ito stands up, gives him a mock bow 
and grunts, "Dohi-san." 

Exactly one month after the Bakley 
murder Ito and Eguchi greet a new part- 
ner, Detective Brian Tyndall. Tyndall iı 
53 and with his shaved head looks like 
an Irish Telly Savalas. Almost three years 
ago he was working in RHD's bank rob- 
bery section when he was assigned to an 
LAPD task force invesügating the Ram- 
part scandal. Ito, who had just learned 
that the task force was breaking up, 
asked Tatreau if Tyndall could be as- 
signed to the Blake case. Ito knows that 
Eguchi, who recently passed the detec- 
tive exam, will eventually be shipped out 
to another division. 

A few days later, on an overcast June 
morning, Ito, Tyndall and Eguchi, along 


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142 


with Hartwell and Tatreau, walk a few 
blocks to the Criminal Court Building, 
take the elevator to the 18th floor and 
meet with several lawyers from the dis- 
trict attorney's office in their conference 
room. Ito details the investigation, from 
the night Blake and Bakley met to her 
pregnancy and their custody battle to 
her murder and to the interviews with 
the retired stuntmen. 

Alter a few of the deputy DAs and 
their supervisors pepper him with ques- 
tions, Ito says, “You know what's inter- 
esting? During his interview with the 
North Hollywood detectives Blake 
never asks what happened to her—did 
she get shot, stabbed, beat with a base- 
ball bat or whatever.” 

Ito explains that he believes Blake 
shot Bakley, coated the gun with oil to 
eliminate fingerprints and then tossed it 
in the Dumpster. He is still trying to 
trace the provenance of the gun. 

"The prosecutor asks Ito whether he 
thinks a hit man Blake hired could have 


shot Bakley and dumped the gun 


ha S 


! 


“That's kind of Hollywood," Ito says. 

"This is Hollywood," the prosecutor 
retorts. Everyone laughs. 

Ito shakes his head and says, “A third 
party wouldn't dump it." 

“Why not?" the prosecutor asks. 

"I've been working murders 18 years, 
and I've never seen a contract killer 
dump a gun at the scene." 

Another prosecutor says the McLarty 
solicitation is a break but that the key to 
the case is persuading Hambleton to talk. 

Ito mentions that Hambleton is fac- 
ing a misdemeanor wcapons charge in 
San Bernardino County for brandish- 
ing a rifle at sheriff's deputies at the 
edge of his property. 

“А misdemeanor's not much leverage," 
a prosecutor says. 

When the meeting concludes they 
walk back to Parker Center, and Hartwell 
tells Ito, "What remains from the meet- 
ing is how much still needs to be done." 

Ito adds a number of iterns to his to-do 
list, including interviewing the nanny, 
checking to see whether Blake usually 


"I saw him on TV the other night. It was either on Leno or that 
program of people wanted by the FBI.” 


parks in the lot at Vitello's, interviewing. 
other stuntmen, reinterviewing Snuffy 
and Hambleton, obtaining Hambleton's 
phone records, checking on whether any 
of Blake's acquaintances recognize the 
murder weapon and attempting to deter- 
mine why no neighbors heard the shots. 

Ito is discouraged. Although he has 
built the framework, there is still much 
work to do before the investigation is 
complete. An avid golfer, he has not been 
able to play since Bakley's murder. Every 
weekend he has either worked or been 
too tired to drive to the golf course. Usu- 
ally in June the days are long enough so 
that he can play 18 holes before dark. 
Now, he complains to Eguchi, he does not 
know when he will swing his dubs again 

Ito, Eguchi and Tyndall spend the next few 
weeks attempling to track down a dozen stunt- 
men who once worked with Blake. Most of 
them know one another, and the detectives 
soon gain insight, they believe, into why Blake 
contacted McLarty and Hambleton. Each 
man has had trouble with the law, is in finan- 
cial trouble or is seriously ill. Ito, armed with 
this information, attempts to reinterview 
Snuffy, who was Blake's contact for the stunt- 
men, but is rebuffed. 

А few days later the detectives brief 
Deputy District Attorney Dohi, who has 
been spending more and more time in 
the squad room conferring with the de- 
tectives. They meet in one of the small 
windowless interview rooms, which is 
sweltering. During fri winter morn- 
ings the air conditioner in the squad room 
often blasts cold air. Now on a hot June 
afternoon heat emanates from the vents. 
Ito tugs on his collar and says, “Let's cut 
to the chase. Blake either fired a gun or 
was in an area where a gun was fired.” 

“So we have GSR particles?" Dohi asks. 

Ito nods and tells him gunshot residue 
was found on Blake's clothing. And Ito re- 
cently received a positive result from the 
GSR test on Blake's hands—but, he ex- 
plains, the criminalist hedged a bit, writ- 
ing in his report that “if Mr. Blake is in the 
environment of firearms, i.e. handles 
firearms оп а regular basis, then these re- 
sults could be the result of contact.” 

Frowning and crossing his arms, Ito 
tells Dohi that the detective in charge of 
Blake's clothes left them boxed up in the 
trunk of his car all night instead of book- 
ing them into evidence that evening. 

They are all aware of how a defense at- 
torney can spin this information into a 
massive web of police conspiracy. "Uh- 
oh." Dohi says. "Any guns in the trunk?" 

“I don't think so,” Ito says. 

"We're going to need a statement from 
him about what he keeps in the trunk 

ve the area checked for GSR." 
ab the area," Ito says. 

Dohi shakes his head and says weakly, 
"It is what it is.” 

But as Ito tells Dohi more about his 
interviews with the stuntmen, the attor- 
ney's mood brightens. Even with the 
clothing in the detective's trunk, Dohi 


says, the GSR results are good news. 

The next afternoon the detectives, 
armed with a search warrant, stop by 
Earle Caldwell's apartment. Ito is not 
hopeful that he will find anything im- 
portant, but Dohi urges him to make 
the attempt anyway. 


THE “KILL BONNY" LIST 


Caldwell lives the life of the Hollywood 
fringe player. His studio is perched over 
a garage overlooking an alley in a modest 
Burbank neighborhood of nondescript 
apartment buildings. The detectives find 
$2,000 in cash inside, as well as two 
pistols and two shotguns. Caldwell tells 
them that he recently cashed his last 
paycheck and that he inherited the 
weapons from his father, who was a gun- 
smith. But then, from the bottom of a 
cup holder in Caldwell's car, beneath a 
few gas and food receipts, Eguchi pulls 
out à folded piece of yellow legal paper, 
torn in half, with а handwritten list: "2 
shovels, small sledge, 25-auto, get blank 
gun ready, old rugs, duct tape—black, 
Draino [sic], pool acid, lye...." Eguchi 
also finds a World War П-ега Mauser in 
a desiccated leather case in the car's cen- 
ter console. Caldwell claims this too was 
part of his father's collection. 

"The detectives are ecstatic. The list, 
they believe, implies that Caldwell intend- 
cd to dispose of a body. And if he owns 
one vintage German pistol, maybe he was 
in possession of a Walther P-38, too. 

In the morning Caldwell's attorney 
calls Ito and says that there isan innocent 
explanation for the list. Most of the items, 
which Caldwell never ended up purchas- 
ing, were for repairs at Blake's house; the 
lye was for the swimming pool. 

After Ito hangs up, ‘Tyndall says, “It 
looks to me like a ‘Kill Bonny’ list.” 

“I think we hit the jackpot," Eguchi 
agrees. 

"The next week ‘Tyndall flies to the Bay 
Area, where Caldwell's wife lives (they are 
apparently separated). He confirms that 
Caldwell and his wife spent the evening of 
Bakley's murder with another couple. 

The detectives are still attempting to 
determine why no neighbors heard the 
gunshot. They confer with a firearms ex- 
pertatan LAPD gun range, who suggests 
several possibilities. Because the tip of the 
slug is somewhat flat and crimped at the 
edges, someone might have removed it 
with a “bullet-puller,” he says, dumped 
out half the gunpowder and pounded the 
tip back on. 'The noise from the shot 
would have been muffled significantly. А 
simple handmade silencer, he tells the de- 
tectives, can also significantly cut the deci- 
bel level. Demonstrating, he cuts the top 
offa plastic water bottle and tapes it to the 
muzzle of a pistol. He aims toward a tar- 
get surrounded by countless brass shell 
casings that glitter in the sunshine. When 
he fires, the sound is merely a dull thud. 

On Friday afternoon, two days after 
the Fourth of July, Ito, Eguchi and Туп- 


dall drive to the Hollywood Hills to in- 
terview Cody Blackwell, the woman who 
says she posed as Blake's nanny when 
Bakley was duped into handing over the 
baby. Blackwell has already sold her sto- 
ry to a tabloid, so the detectives have a 
general sense of her role in the drama. 


“WHATEVER'S NECESSARY" 


Blackwell lives in a small pink cottage, a 
rustic aerie grafted onto the side of a 
steep canyon overgrown with brush. Тһе 
detectives have to climb more than 100 
rickety wooden steps to reach her door. 
"rhe morning is warm and unusually hu- 
mid. July is typically hot and dry in Los 
Angeles—desert weather—but yesterday 
a muggy monsoon from northern Mex- 
ico, a wind-fed summer storm, blew into 
southern California, generating light- 
ning and thundershowers. 

When the detectives introduce them- 
selves, Blackwell says, “I've been waiting 
for you guys to show up,” and invites 
them inside. The cement floor is splashed 
with swirls of yellow, purple and blue 
paint, and plants hang from the ceiling. 
Beside her bed, yoga books and Indian 
statues are stacked on purple milk crates, 
and Native American drums, feathers 
and pictures of wolves line the walls. 
Blackwell, who is 60, has bright red hair 
and wears khaki shorts and a T-shirt. She 
sits on the side of her bed, her two enor- 
mous dogs—an Alaskan malamute and a 
wolf hybrid—growling at her feet. The 
detectives pull up chairs beside her. 

She had once worked as Blake's person- 
al assistant, she says, but had not talked to 
him for a while. In August he called, told 
her about his two-month-old baby, Rose, 
and said that the mother would be arriv- 
ing in a week. He asked Blackwell if she 
would move into his house and temporar- 
ily play the role of nanny. 

“I moved some stuff in...and he says, 
*No. I want you to move your homey 
stuff in. Make it look like you've been 
living here." 

Blackwell shopped with Blake, and he 
spent $900 on items for the baby, in- 
cluding a car seat, a stroller, diapers, 
bibs and toys. He then began vilifyi 
Bakley. "She's the scum of the earth," 
told Blackwell. "She's involved with 
drug dealers, racketeering, bikers and 
all these seedy people that rip people 
off. She's horrible. She's awful, and 1 
can't stand her." 

"The way Bakley had duped Blake en- 
raged him, she says. “Не doesn't kiss 
anyone's ass. He's a total control freak. 
For him to have someone manipulate 
him must have sent him over the edge. 
Just upa tree. He said, “ГЇЇ do whatever's 
necessary to get this baby." 

Blake introduced her to a man he 
called Moose, who was wearing camou- 
flage fatigues and combat boots. When 
she describes him, the detectives realize 
Moose is Caldwell. 

Blake told Blackwell, "I want her to 


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feel really secure with you watching the 
baby. We're going to tell her you're a 
nurse and your name is Nancy.” She 
continues, “Then I started wondering. 1 
said, ‘Robert, this is really weird.” 

When he drove to the airport to pick 
up Bakley, Blackwell remained at the 
house and chatted with Moose, who told 
her, "I'm just here to make sure things 
don't get out of hand... If things get 
wild and crazy I'm here to subdue her." 

When Blake returned, Moose dropped 
to the ground, crawled to the toolshed 
and hid inside. Blackwell demonstrates 
by jumping off her bed and inching along 
the floor on her hands and knees. "I'm 
thinking, Oh my god! Oh my god! Then 
1 saw her, and my mouth fell open. She 
didn't look exactly like І expected. Her 
hair was fried, like cotton candy. She was 
chubby, old. I was surprised. She didn't 
look like a woman he'd have a baby with. 
But she seemed nice.” 

Blake pulled Blackwell aside and said, 
“We're going to lunch. Moose is hiding. 
You take care of the baby.” He then told 
Bakley, “It’s okay. She's a nurse.” 

Fifteen minutes later Blake called 
Blackwell and said, “I want you to take the 


baby up to your house. Leave now!" She 
hugs one of her dogs and says, “That's 
when I started getting really scared. 1 
didn't know what to do. 1 haven't been a 
mother in 30 or 40 years.” 

An hour later Blake called Blackwell at 
home and told her to meet him ata 
liquor store parking lot near his house. 
When she arrived she handed the baby 
to Blake, and he paid her $300. Blake 
rocked his daughter and whispered to 
her, "Well, kid, from here on out it's just 
you and me. Just the two of us." Black- 
well tells the detectives, “I'm going, ‘Oh 
my god! I've been involved іп a kidnap- 
ping.” I'm freaking out.” Blake then said 
to Blackwell, “Okay, you're coming with 
me." He instructed her to lie down in the 
back of the SUV and hold the baby while 
he drove. He stopped ага McDonald'sin 
Calabasas and gave her $10 for a meal. 

*] know he'd just bought his daughter 
a big house nearby. It doesn’t take a 
rocket scientist to know why we were 
there. He was taking the baby to his 
daughter's," she says. 

An hour later Blake returned with- 
out the baby and said that Bakley "is 
out of the state. I don't have to worry 


about her." As he drove Blackwell back 
to Studio City so she could pick up her 
car, he ranted about what he would do 
if Bakley's friends returned for the baby. 
“Just let those motherfuckers come to my 
house,” he told Blackwell. "I'm ready for 
them. Let 'em come over the fence. I'll 
shoot em like dogs and let the birds pick 
their bones." 

"I thought I was in a B movie," Black- 
well says. Back at home she panicked. 

“Oh my god,” she says, “now I'm an 
accomplice to a kidnapping." She cries, 
dabs her eyes with a tissue and asks the 
detectives, "Am 1 going to be in trouble? 
Am I going to be arrested?" 

Ito shakes his head and says softly, 
“No.” 

Ito shows her a photograph of Cald- 
well, and she shouts, "That's Moose!” 

Later, as the detectives stand up to 
leave, Ito asks her, “Why didn’t his 
daughter have kids?” 

“He mentioned his daughter and her 
boyfriend were trying to have a baby but 
weren't having any luck. And he was im- 
plying if anything happened that's 
where Rosie would go.” 

As the detectives head back down the 
canyon through the mist, Ito says, "She's 
the first person to confirm the angle 
about the daughter.” 

Tyndall taps the murder book and 
says, “Blake's shit just got a whole 
bunch weaker.” 


CODA 


After nearly a full year of LAPD investiga- 
tion, Robert Blake and his bodyguard Earle 
Caldwell were arrested and then charged on 
April 22, 2002, Blake with one count of mur- 
der with special circumstances, two counts of 
solicitation of murder and one count of murder 
conspiracy, which was later dismissed. A single 
count of murder conspiracy was filed against 
Caldwell, a charge that was also dismissed. 
The criminal complaint, filed by prosecutors, 
said Blake "personally and intentionally" fired 
the handgun that killed Bakley. Blake and 
Caldwell pleaded not guilty. Blake was denied 
бай and was led to jail. Prosecutors dropped 
the proposed death penalty, seeking instead a 
maximum sentence of life without parole for 
Blake. On February 26, 2003, against legal 
advice, the actor told his side of the story to 
Barbara Walters on national television. The 
next day, during a preliminary hearing, stunt- 
man Gary McLarty testified that Blake had of- 
fered him $10,000 to kill his wife, Bonny Lee 
Bakley. Ronald Hambleton, the reluctant sec- 
ond stuntman, later confirmed that Blake 
also asked him to help kill Bakley. 

On October 31 Los Angeles County Superior 
Court Judge Darlene Schempp turned down 
Blake's final appeal for dismissal of the mur- 
der charge and scheduled the trial for early 
2004. On February 9, 2004 jury selection is 
scheduled to begin in the case of The People of 
the State of California v. Robert Blake. 


Dave Matthews 


(continued from page 107) 
10 


PLAYBOY: Jay-Z recently said that one of 
his favorite songs is DMB's "Crush. 
MATTHEWS: Are you kidding me? You 
have no idea how much joy you just 
brought me, because I love Jay-Z. I hear 
a genuine kindness and humor in his 
music. Jay-Z was sitting next to me at a 
club in Florida, and I didn't have the 
balls to go up and say, "Man, you're a 
badass.” That's what a spineless prick I 
am. He was busy, you know. My friends 
and my wife were like, “Go and say hel- 
lo,” and I'm like, “No, he's busy having 
dinner. Leave the guy alone." And the: 
after he left I was like, “I'm a dickhead.” 


11 

PLAYBOY. Your band has always been very 
supportive of people taping your live 
shows. Do you look at everyone losing 
their mind about downloading and file 
sharing and think, Whar's the big deal? 

MATTHEWS: 1 could give less than a shit 
about it. I figure there's a war going 
on—even though some people think it's 
over—and that's something to worry 
about. There are hungry pcople in the 
world, and that's something to worry 
about. But whether the flood of technol- 
ogy makes us change the way musicians 
make money? That's just what happens. 


12 


PLAYBOY: Executives at your record label 
probably don't feel that way. 

MATTHEWS: It's not like the record indus- 
try is some ancient thing that we have to 
save. It’s a leaf in the wind in some ways. 
Some of the pensions might get screwed 
with, but I can always go play in a bar, if 
they'll have me. Of course I understand 
the panic of the record companies. I just 
don't really give that much of a shit. 


13 


PLAYBOY: Did you study the Grateful 
Dead playbook and mimic that relation- 
ship with fans asa strategy? 

MATTHEWS: I think my manager may 
have been thinking that—let people tape 
it; let people spread the word that way— 
because he was more switched on to the 
Dead than we were. Nobody in the band 
ever really listened to the Dead. Since 
the band has been together, people have 
played a lot of the Dead around us. I do 
think that, especially early on, Jerry 
Garcia was a phenomenal songwriter 
and guitarist. And Im leaving it there. 


14 


PLAYBOY: Are there times when you just 
get bored mid-jam? 

MATTHEWS: I don't get bored. I get angry 
with myself because I feel like I'm fuck- 
ing up. I get mad when I have to take a 
guitar solo. I sort of have fun, but it's like 


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146 


a desperate search. I'm just so incompe- 
tent in so many ways on guitar that it's 
astounding that Gibson awarded me as a 
great acoustic guitarist. I'm unusual. I'm 
sort of inside out, ass backwards. The 
pressure of the guitar solo is like death 
laying its hands on my shoulders every 
time І step out. So I get mad and just 
thrash away like Bamm-Bamm from The 
Flintstones—although he played the 
drums—and get away with what I can. 
But I think I can speak for the band and 
say we're never, ever bored. Frustrated, 
angry, afraid, bitter, pissed off, mad at 
each other, mad at ourselves but never, 
ever bored. 


15 

PLAYBOY: You used to tend bar in Char- 
lottesville, Virginia. Are you good at 
making exotic cocktails? 

MATTHEWS: No. In fact, if a UVA student 
came in and said, “Can I get fivc B-52s?" 
I'd say no. And they'd say, "What do you 
mean? Can you make one?" And I'd say, 
"Probably 1 could make one, but I'm not 
going to. I'll give you a shot of tequila. 
ТЇЇ even give you the ingredients for a B- 
52 and five glasses. But if you're expect- 
ing it to be layered, you've come to the 
wrong place." I was very polite about it, 
but I was just too embarrassed to at- 
tempt it while someone else is going, 
“Can I geta whiskey?" and I'd have to be 
like, "I'm just trying to layer this B-52 
over here. Hold on a second." 


16 
PLAYBOY: Don't bartenders get ай the chicks? 
MATTHEWS: I had long hair and I dressed 
really badly, which I continue to do—I 
just don't have the long hair. But I 
couldn't get the time of day when I bar- 
tended. Occasionally a girl gave me the 


time of day, which in a way is a good 
thing, because you know you're getting it 
for your personality, your charm alone, if 
you're the bartender. But 1 did love bar- 
tending—in that place, probably not any- 
where else. I liked making people really 
drunk, getting them really shit-faced. 
"Are you driving tonight? No? Well, you 
are going to get fucked-up. You're walk- 
ing out of here unconscious," 


17 


PLAYBOY: You have twin daughters. How 
did your kids most change your life? 
MATTHEWS: I watched my wife give birth 
to the twins, and that was the most eye- 
opening experience of my life. 1 watched 
a fella get a knife in the side of his head 
once in South Africa, and I thought the 
sound and the power of that event was 
something I would never witness again. 
And that was nothing next to this. Every- 
onc says this, but it gave me perspective 
on things. I was interested in seeing 
what my opinions ofthe world would be, 
whether 1 would become more conser- 
vative or the world would become more 
palatable when I became a father. Іп 
fact, it's become less palatable. Before, 
speaking out was just something of an 
arrogance, but here's the reason I һауе 
to say what I think, because I worry 
about my daughters. It makes me much 
more concerned about the world, be- 
cause when I leave, I don't want to leave. 
a shit stain behind. 


18 
тлүвоү: The majority of your band is 
black. You spent part of your childhood 
in South Africa. Do you have an en- 
hanced understanding of diversity? 
MATTHEWS: I have to be careful how I say 
this. The importance of our cultural dif- 


Ve 7% 
ba ССА 


“Move up, Charlie... You're eating the тир..." 


ferences in the band is something that 
the world has imposed on us. The band 
is one of the few places—and I intention- 
ally refer to it as a place—that I've ever 
been where we discuss our differences 
openly, and it has been an enormous in- 
spiration in my life. We talk about it, 
from very serious conversations to very 
humorous conversations. There’s an 
honesty that I can have with these guys 
that I don't think I would have ever had 
if I hadn't met them and hung out with 
them. I've learned more about American 
culture from this band than I ever would 
have learned had | gotten together with 
a bunch of high school buddies. I feel 
truly blessed to be in this band. I'm really 
fucking lucky. 


19 


PLAYBOY: How did your family inform 
your beliefs? 

NArrHEWS: My mother raised us to ac- 
knowledge the stupidity of racism and 
hatred and that peace is unattainable if 
you give validity to any kind of bigotry. 
The interesting thing for me growing up 
in South Africa was that when І came 
back to America, I saw prejudice all over 
the place. Racism is a thriving disease іп 
this country. If our leaders believe it's 
even nearly done, they're delusional. 
Affirmative action hasn't scraped the 
surface, and to talk about removing that 
concept is moronic. Words like freedom 
are bandied about and waved on flags 
less delicately than they should be. Frec- 
dom is something you aspire to, not 
something you own. I'm proud to be an 
American, but it doesn't mean that I'm 
not disgusted by American behavior. 
There are bars in England with more 
wisdom and longer histories than Amer- 
ica has. Go get a pint at a place that's five 
times as old as America: "I'd like a really 
fucking old beer, please.” Hey, I've got a 
20 questions joke. Can I tell it? 


20 


к.дувоү: Sure. Take us out with a joke. 
MATTHEWS: There's two fellas way out in 
the woods in Virginia. The name of one 
is Cecil. It's not important what the oth- 
er one's name is. They're bored, just try- 
ing to kill time while they whittle. The 
more talkative fella, he says to Cecil, 
“Have you ever heard of the game 2 
questions?” And Cecil says, “Nope.” 
“Well, the way you play is, I think of 
something, write it down and put it in 
my pocket, and then you ask me 20 
questions and gotta guess what it is. You 
wanna play?” So Cecil says, “Yeah, 1 
reckon." So the other fella writes down 
"donkey dick" on a piece of paper, puts it 
in his pocket and says, "Now you got 20 
questions to figure it out." Cecil says, 
“Can you cat it?" The first fella says, 
"Hmm, yeah, I reckon you can eat it." 
And Cecil says, "Well, is it donkey dick? 


SUTHERLAND 


(continued from page 58) 
where I've gotten my ass kicked, and 
I've never felt bad about that. But when 
I've won a fight, I've felt that the other 
person didn't deserve what he got. 
PLAYBOY: Do you remember the first time 
you got your ass kicked? 

SUTHERLAND: ] was with a guy named 
Greg from Toronto. We were 15 and in 
downtown Toronto trying to buy pot 
unsuccessfully, which is why it wasn't 
until I was 18 and in New York that I 
actually experienced it. We were in a 
mall. I had my first drink, and we tried 
to buy pot from this 20-year-old guy. My 
friend looked at it and said that it wasn't 
pot, it was catnip. I said to the guy, “This 
isn't real. I want my money back." The 
guy said, "Fuck off, kid." So I pulled out 
this switchblade that a friend of mine 
had given to me, flicked it open and said, 
“Don't fuck with me. Give me my money 
back!” And it worked. The guy went to 
give me the money, and I had never had 
that happen before, so I went, “Who the 
fuck do you think you are?” and kept talk- 
ing until 1 slurred some words and the 
guy realized I'd had something to drink. 
1 never saw him punch me. Next thing I 
know I'm waking up. I was knocked out, 
and my friend was stabbed in the leg 
with my knife. The guy kicked the shit 
out of both of us, and I don't remember 
a single thing. We had to ride home on 
the subway. My eye was five times its пог- 
mal size. My friend was holding his leg; 
his pants were soaked in blood. We went 
to my place, stole one of my sister's maxi 
pads and some hockey tape and taped 
him up. We had gotten our asses kicked, 
and the only thing I could say was, "I've 
got to learn to punch like that! That was 
good." I've always had a very different 
rcaction to such situations. 

PLAYBOY: How many tattoos do you have, 
and what do they mean? 

SUTHERLAND: Tattoos are my map. I 
won't need anyone to speak at my fu- 
neral; you'll just have to look at my 
arms. I have six. The latest one—Our 
Lady of Guadalupe—represents my 
neighborhood; it's very Hispanic. It 
plays a prominent role in 24. The first 
onc was a Japanese symbol that means 
strength. Another is a sword. One is a 
Maori band of life I got in New Zealand. 
Then I have my family's Scottish crest. 
And an ivy thistle. 

PLAYBOY: You're still doing movies. What 
was it like working with Angelina Jolie in 
Taking Lives? 

SUTHERLAND: She was focused, commit- 
ted, on time and knew her shit. I asked 
Angelina, "What on carth were you doing 
in Cambodia?" She said, "I was making a 
picture there. I stayed in this village af- 
ter the film was done. I would wake up, 
and down the road someone needed to 
put in an irrigation pipe for a hut. The 
next day someone was building a retain- 


ing wall, The next, someone needed 
work on a roof. After a while I felt like I 
was useful." It was so beautifully put. I 
sat back, my jaw dropped, and I thought, 
I want to go to Cambodia. 1 felt so use- 
less. What a beautiful person she was to 
have figured that out, to have thought 
about it and then to have done some- 
thing about it. 

PLAYBOY: Docs she remind you of your 
mother, who is a noted activist? 
SUTHERLAND: My mother has spent the 
past seven years going back and forth 
across Canada showing Canadians how 
12 years of conservative poli 8 strip- 
ping them of their health care system. 
She was instrumental in getting the first 
liberal Ontario government in a very 
long time, She's very smart, very com- 
mitted and a very tough lady. She was re- 
cently awarded the Order of Canada, 
the highest honor you can receive, and 1 
wore a kilt to that. My mother's five-foot- 
two, and I'll be honest with you—she's 
the only person I'm scared of. 

PLAYBOY: Her father, Thomas Clement 
Douglas, was a significant figure in 
Canadian politics. 

SUTHERLAND: He was leader of the New 
Democratic Party. First he was premier 
of Saskatchewan, where he implemented 
a socialized health care system that was 
later adopted on a federal level. 
PLAYBOY: Did you grow up with an appre- 


ciation of his socialist point of view? 
SUTHERLAND: I have a belief that we're 
responsible for helping each other. 
PLAYBOY: Have you maintained your 
Canadian citizenship? 

SUTHERLAND: Yes. 

PLAYBOY: What's the difference between 
Canada and the U. 
SUTHERLAND: The simple answer is we 
have 10 percent of your population on 
almost a quarter more landmass. It takes 
all of us to make that country run. It 
doesn't take all of you to make your 
country run, so people are getting left 
out. That changes your whole sensibility 
about everything. 

PLAYBOY: And yet with all that room to 
roam, you couldn't find a high school 
that was compatible with your ideas. 
Were you kicked out of boarding school 
before your 16th birthday? 
SUTHERLAND: I was asked to leave. I didn't 
maintain my grades. I went from one 
school to another with the hope of land- 
ing in a place where I would do well, in 
an environment that would help me. So I 
ended up in this place where I just did 
not want to go. 

PLAYBOY: Was that St. Andrews College? 
SUTHERLAND: No, 1 liked St. Andrews, but 
I screwed up there. This was right after, 
which was the end of my scholastic ca- 
recr. A place called Venta, just outside 
Ottawa. It was a real last resort. Му 


148 


ном 


Below is a list of retailers and 
manufacturers you can contact. 
for information on where to 
“find this month's merchandise. 
To buy the apparel and equip- 
ment shown on pages 32, 
39-40, 112-119, 159 and 
163, check the listings below to 
find the siores nearest. you. 


GAMES 

Page 32: Acclaim Enter- 
tainmeni, acclaim.com or 
aliasthegame.com. Capcom, 
408-774-0500 or capcom 
.com. EA, 877-324-2637 or 
ea.com. Midway, midwaygames.com. Sony 
Computer Entertainment, playstation.com. 
Whiptail Interactive, mediamobsters.com 
or whiptailinteractive.com. Wired: Nokia, 
nokia.com. 


: Hidden Beach Resort, 
800-470-2020, castawaystravel.com or 
hiddenbeach.net. Maytag, B66-MAYTAGI 
or maytag.com. Mercedes-Benz, slrdrive 
-mbusa.com. Nike, available in golf stores 
or at nikegolf.com. 


HOW THE WEST WAS WORN 
Pages 112-119: 2xist, 2xist.com. Blue, 
available at Bloomingdale's. Bottega Veneta, 
bottegaveneta.com. Buffalo Chips, 212- 
695-8400. CK Calvin Klein Jeans, available 
at Macy's, macys.com. DEG, 212-965- 
8000. David Jet Black Horse, 212-685-7764. 
Diesel, diesel.com. Dolce & Gabbana, dolce 
gabbanait. Donald J. Pliner, donaldpliner 
chicago.com. Energie, ener 

faconnable.com. Fendi, fendi.it. 


то 


weston.com. Mario Penailil- 
lo, available at Frédéric 
Fekkai Salons, 212-753- 
9500. Michael Kors, avail- 
able at Bergdorf Goodman. 
Moschino Uomo, moschino.it. 
NYBased, nybased.com. Perry 
Ellis, perryellis.com. Reunion, 
available at Macy's. Richmond 
Denim, 212-246-6724. Rober- 
la Scarpa, robertascarpa.it. 
Skechers, skechers.com. Spali 
Designs, available at Мах- 
field, 310-274-8800. Stetson, 
stetson.com. Stiissy, stussy 
«com. Tommy Hilfiger, tommy.com. Union 
Bay, unionbay.com. Valentino, valentino.it. 
Wrangler, wrangler.com. 


ON THE SCENE 
Page 159: Liquor: Glenmorangie Scotch, 800- 
456-8946, ext. 120. Ikon True Russian Vodka, 
¡konvodka.net. Miller's Reformed London 
Dry Gin, 877-НАУЕ-СІҺ or millersgin.com. 
Pappy Van Winkle Family Reserve Bourbon, 
oldvanwinkle.com. Santa Teresa 1796 Ron 
Antiguo de Solera, santateresausa.com. Elec- 


PIONEER or pioncerelectronics.com. Sony, 
sony.com. Great pig-out food (not shown): 
Popcorn and chocolate-covered pretzels, 
popcornpalace.com. Potato chips, dips and 
pretzels, chipofthemonth.com. Beef jerky, 
bigichnsbeefjerky.com. 


POTPOURRI 
Page 163: Absinthe, for more information, 
pick up a сору of Absinthe: Sip of Seduction by 
Betina Wittels and Robert Hermesch, from 
Corvus Publishing, corvuspublishing.com. 


mother said that if I didn't go to that 
school they might as well send me to the 
penitentiary and save the taxpayers 
some dollars. 

PLAYBOY: But you didn't stay. 
SUTHERLAND: Well, I knew that I wasn't 
going to stay there. I had plan B—to 
leave that school and make it via Mon- 
treal back to Toronto and try to enroll in 
a public school. Which I did. 

PLAYBOY: Were you old enough to do that 
without parental consent? 

SUTHERLAND: I had to hang out for a 
while. I left when I was 15, around Octo- 
ber, and then I had to disappear for two 
months until I turned 16, when I was 
emancipated. At 16 I could do whatever 
I wanted. 

PLAYBOY: So what was going on after you 
left Venta and disappeared? What were 
your parents doing about you? 
SUTHERLAND: They were horrified. 1 knew. 
that if 1 didn't call my mom I'd be dead. 
Within a couple of days I also called my 
dad, who was really cool. Both were cool, 
given the circumstances. If this had hap- 
pened to me as a parent, Га have throt- 
Пед my child. My dad offered to fly me 
down to Los Angeles for a talk. 

PLAYBOY: And what did you tell your dad 
when you went to L.A. 
SUTHERLAND: I said I wanted to try act- 
ing. I had done Equity theater before. I 
had worked with my brother, who was 
an actor at the time. I said to my dad, "I 
will go to a regular school and treat it as 
a job if you let me try to get an agent and 
do auditions." 

PLAYBOY: Both your parents act. Did they 
start when they were in their mid-teens 
as well? 

SUTHERLAND: No, much older. They both 
had university degrees —my father in 
engineering. My mother went to Eng- 
land to study. My father didn't start act- 
ing until he was in his 30s. What my 
father did vas give me $400 a month. 1 
went back to Toronto to go to school and 
to act. I got an agent thanks to my moth- 
er—though 1 didn't realize that at the 
time—and he started sending me out on 
auditions. Within a year Dan Petrie, who 
had directed Fort Apache, the Bronx and 
Raisin in the Sun, came back to Canada to 
make his story. He was from the Mar- 
itime Provinces and had written a script 
called The Bay Boy, about a young boy 
during the Depression who witnesses a 
murder in a very small Maritime town. It 
was a touching, simple story and a huge. 
opportunity for any young actor in 
Canada. I got the lead. 

PLAYBOY: Were you paid enough to show 
that you could make a living? 
SUTHERLAND: | got $30,000 Canadian, 
around $22,000 U.S. I thought I could 
retire on it. [t was a lot of money. It lasted 
a year. It helped me get my girlfriend 
into Circle in the Square Theatre School 
and helped us support an apartment in 
New York for another year after that. 
PLAYBOY: How was the movie received? 


SUTHERLAND: It won 11 out of 14 Acade- 
my Awards in Canada. 1 was nominated 
for best actor. 

PLAYBOY: Not long after that, you drove 
out to L.A. with your girlfriend and 
wound up living in your car for three 
weeks. Couldn't you afford a room? 
SUTHERLAND: I had done a Levi's print ad 
in New York, and it allowed me to get 
that car and a cashier's check for $2,700, 
which my girlfriend lost, So we had no 
money. We stayed in the car by the beach 
so we could use the outdoor showers. I 
got a job really fast. Steven Spielberg 
hired me to do an episode of Amazing 
Stories that he directed. 

PLAYBOY: How big a deal was working for 
Spiclberg? 

SUTHERLAND: Huge. All you had to do 
was go into your next meeting and say 
you were doing something with Spiel- 
berg and you got the job. It was more 
valuable before the episode came out. 
Then Sean Penn hired me for At Close 
Range. Then 1 did Stand Ву Me. 1 never 
stopped working. 

PLAYBOY: When did you finally move out 
of the car? 

SUTHERLAND: Around 1986 I ended up 
living with Robert Downey Jr. and Sarah 
Jessica Parker. We lived above Charlie 
Chaplin's coach house—very prophetic 
for Bobby, who went on to play Chaplin. 
There were five of us, with Billy Zane 
and another actor, Tom O'Brien. Billy 
Zane was how I met everybody; we had 
done a TV movie called Brotherhood of 
Justice, which wasn't very good. When we 
got back to L.A. I started hanging out at 
their place and finally ended up living 
there. It was like Melrose Place. We were 
18, 19 years old, all doing stufT people 
told us we would never be able to do. 
Bobby was gone most of that time be- 
cause he was doing Saturday Night Live. 
And Sarah was working too. I was there 
for two and a half years. 

PLAYBOY: Were you paying rent? 
SUTHERLAND: They never asked. 
PLAYBOY: So you lived free for two and a 
half years? 

SUTHERLAND: They had an extra bed- 
room, and I was gone so often it was real- 
ly just a place for me to keep my stuff. 
Sarah had a cat, which we had to look af- 
ter when she was gone. 

PLAYBOY: When Downey started having his 
problems later on, were you still in touch? 
SUTHERLAND: We've drifted apart, but I 
care a lot about him. He's one of the 
most talented people I've ever known. 
The worst thing you can say about а few. 
of us, myself included, is that we didn't 
fully grow up. There's a wonderful 
childlike quality about Bobby that I hope 
he süll has, because it's part of his magic 
as an artist. 1 don't use that word lightly. 
I don't call myself an artist. Bobby is. 
PLAYBOY: Who clse among your peers do 
you consider an artist? 

SUTHERLAND: Scan Penn. He's the reason 


Icame down here initially. Penn and Tim 
Hutton did some work in Japs that just 
opened the floodgates for the rest of us. 
Before that you had people who were 
older, like John Travolta, doing Grease. 
Then all of a sudden Sean Penn does Fast 
Times at Ridgemont High. Is got some 
great funny moments but serious ones, 
too; Jennifer Jason Leigh gets date-raped 
in the dugout. Penn was brilliant in that. 
About the same time, he does Taps, which 
is 180 degrees on the other side, and he's 
absolutely brilliant in that. That moment 
when he's carrying Tim Hutton out of 
the building is astonishing. As a young 
actor I wanted to be as good as those 
guys, Sean specifically, because 1 related. 
to him so much on a physical level. I was 
impressed not only with his effort but 
with his consistency. When we did At 
Close Range, normally we would chat be- 
forchand, but I noticed that he was really 
quiet one day. I asked him later about it, 
and he said he used to always bc excited 
on a set, hanging out and talking to 
cverybody, but by the time he did his 
scene һе had no energy. He learned that 
on specific days he should stay by him- 
self so every ounce of energy he had 
would be put into the work, 1 thought 
that was smart and learned from it. 
PLAYBOY: What about working with Jack 
Nicholson in А Few Good Men? 
SUTHERLAND: Nicholson did that court- 
room scene in five takes and all in one 
pass. Every take was different. They 
were all outstanding. As a snotty young 
actor I thought, Jack Nicholson plays 
Jack Nicholson. Which is such a stupid 
thing to say. I watched how hard Jack 
Nicholson works to be Jack Nicholson. 1 
loved the fact that he walked onto the set, 
sat in the chair, turned around, the cam- 
era started rolling, and he was all about 
business. When he finished and walked 
out, everybody went, “Holy shit, did you 
see that?” and talked about it for days. 
PLAYBOY: You said that you aren't an 
artist. Is there any art in being part of a 
show like 24? 

SUTHERLAND: After September 11, when 
we were watching firefighters, cops, соп- 
struction workers, doctors, emergency 
workers in the rescue effort, it seemed 
like they all had a purpose. And then 
what do I do? I act for a living. I walked 
around asking myself, What have I done. 
with my life? I felt useless for a weck, 
staying at a hotel because I was still living 
in Canada. We had aired four episodes, 
and I thought it was so stupid. A guy 
came up to me and said, “Hey, man, 1 
saw your show. It looks awesome.” I 
thought, How on earth can he talk about 
that at a time like this? And then it hit 
me: Anything that could get us out of the 
way we were feeling was helpful, even if it 
was just for an hour. Just to give our 
brains a break. I'm fine with that. 


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HAVANA 


(continued from page 120) 
past the security checkpoint at the 
entrance to the marina, the blue- 
uniformed guards saluting the jeep and 
then quickly chopping their forearms 
again for the Mercedes. Then they were 
speeding down a boulevard canopied by 
huge ficus trees, through the formerly 
glamorous neighborhood of Miramar, 
the elegant old mansions divided into of- 
fices and apartments or simply boarded 
up like the Soviet embassy. Then the 
Mercedes turned inland onto a short 
freeway through a more modern version 
of Miramar, equally grand but less colo- 
nial, past the construction site for a new 
convention center, through a buffer 
zone of jungle and then outa long, dusty 
strip of warehouses and industrial sites, 
past the airport and into the flat coun- 
tryside until they were approaching 
what seemed even from a distance to be 
a military base. Payne slumped in the 
leather seat, the Cuba libre from the ma- 
rina still clutched in his hand, dismayed 
that he had been swept up into whatever 
was happening. 

“When are you going to tell me what's 
going on?” 

“There is a justice that must be wit- 
nessed by an international observer.” 

"What's that have to do with me?" 

“You are a journalist, no?” 

“That would be а loose interpretation 
of what I am." 

"Our chief was given a list from our 
agency," Diaz shrugged. "He selected 
you." 

“He selected me.” Payne couldn't stop 
himself from just letting go with a snort. 
“Why would he choose me? Who is your 
fucking chief?" 

"Hombre," the official laughed. "The 
fucking president, who else? Fidel 

"The capricious nonsense of his anoint- 
ment stunned Elliott Payne, the absurdity 
so pressurized it felt like a dark formless 
thing trapped in the car with them. 
idel selected me for what?" 

Diaz sighed heavily. "An unfortunate 
business, I am sorry to tell you. You are 
to witness an execution." 

For some minutes Payne didn't say 
anything, because he wasn't thinking 
anything. His brain had stopped, and all 
he felt was something in his stomach like 
a large stone; he wanted to stand in a 
cold shower and brush his teeth and get 
on with the day. They drove through the 
gate of the base, down a one-lane 
macadam road lined with royal palm 
trees, the inviting green lawns on either 
side of the drive eerily deserted, and 
parked in a roundabout in front of a bar- 
racks or possibly an administrative center 
built during a past century, a colon- 
naded portico running the length of the 
grand structure, tall windows with deep 
casements in the thick concrete of the 


ochre-colored walls, a barn-red tin roof. 
streaked with rust. 

“That's fucked-up," Payne finally said, 
almost in a whisper, almost out of breath. 

“I agree with you.” 

*Look. Listen! I don't want to," said 
Elliott Payne, but his protest sounded 
childish, and even as the words left his 
mouth he knew, without understanding 
why, that he did. 


Тһе affair proceeded with astonishing 
informality, an atmosphere to which 
Elliott Payne contributed with his own 
appearance, his nylon fishing shorts and 
deck shoes and rumpled short-sleeve 
linen shirt, his scuffed and water-stained 
pigskin shoulder bag, his polarized sun- 
glasses and, most of all, in his hand the 
complimentary drink in its plastic cup, 
which he had neither finished nor 
thrown away, as if he were breezing 
around town, some fun guy joining the 
party. Diaz and Payne marched through 
an arched breezeway dividing the build- 
ing in half, the quartet of soldiers from 
the jeep straggling behind, rifles slung 
over their shoulders or carried carelessly 
with the barrels down. On the back side 
of the building wasa parade ground, the 
grass worn and patchy. At one end of the 
field sat a cube of concrete, a windowless 
building like a cake box, perhaps a for- 
mer armory, the same mustard color you 
saw so often on old government build- 
ings in the tropics, and it was to this 
building’s large wooden door, guarded 
by a sentry with a face frozen by apathy, 
that the two men and their escort walked 
without speaking. There was a swirl of 
buzzards pinwheeling in the sky above 
them, but there were always buzzards in 
the sky in Cuba, and the writer found no 
portent in them. Diaz said something to 
the sentry, who opened the door, and 
they stepped inside and the sentry 
closed the door behind them, its sound 
vibrating in the shadows of a large single 
room softly illuminated by a pair of 
grime-streaked skylights on the high 
roof, the four walls thinly painted a wash 
of Mediterranean blue. Near the wall 
opposite the door was a long table, and 
near one end of the table, sitting on 
plain wooden chairs, were four military 
officers in dress uniforms, high-ranking 
as far as Payne could guess from their 
rows of ribbons and medals, although he 
was unfamiliar with the insignia. The 
men were laughing, their laughter warm 
and rich and effusive as the door swung 
open, their hats on the table, each man 
cradling a demitasse of coffee in his 
palms like a small flame he meant to 
keep from blowing out, and near at 
hand were water glasses and a corked 
and unlabeled bottle of liquor. 

The laughing withered but not the in- 
congruity of it. The officers sipped from 
their cups and turned their heads slowly 


toward the visitors. Elliott had the good 
sense to remove his sunglasses and let 
his eyes adjust to the dimness of the 
room. He inhaled the dampness of the 
ancient concrete and felt oddly soothed 
by its pungency. 

“Му friend, do us the honor of having 
a drink with us on this day.” The speak- 
er addressed Payne in perfect English, 
unaccented to his Southern ear. The 
man to this man's right, a mulatto, inter- 
rupted, barking in Spanish at Diaz, who. 
began to protest but thought better of it 
and withdrew sourly back through the 
door to wait outside. "Come and sit here 
at the table." 

"You're American." 

"uban-born. I lived in the States— 
Daytona, then New Orleans—for a few 
years. Know thine enemy.” It was unmis- 
takable in this speaker's voice—so much 
pleasure in his hatred for America, how 
could he ever give it up? 

E e or thy or thou—can you tell 
me which is correct, Señor?” By age the 
most senior officer, thin and white- 
haired and imperturbable, this man 
spoke English in an accent so thick El- 
liott Payne found him difficult to under- 
stand, but he looked at the writer with 
gray eyes that were penetrating but not 
unkind and an intimate smile as if they 
had already met, as if perhaps the guy 
even liked him. 

“1 don't know” said Payne, taking an 
empty seat at the table across from him. 
“Nobody talks like that anymore.” 

“Ah. Of course.” 

There were two generals—courtly, 
white-haired Rivera and beefy General 
Ocampo, a huge black man bursting the 
seams of his overstarched uniform, who 
spoke no English and had eyes like hard- 
boiled eggs sunk in the jolly pudding of 
his face—and two coloncls—the stern, 
poker-faced mulatto who had ordered 
Diaz from the room and who remained 
unintroduced (or rather nameless, ac- 
knowledging the writer with an icy nod 
and appraising him without mercy), and 
the other, Colonel Roberto Fernandez, 
whose fluent American English retained 
the vestige of a Southern drawl. "Call me 
Bobby," he told Payne. Unlike the oth- 
ers, he stood to shake his hand good-na- 
turedly, no taller than the Napoleonic 
Doc Billy but broad-shouldered and nar- 
row-hipped and athletic, gentle curls of 
brown hair receding from the center of 
his high forehead in the horseshoe 
shape of the laurels that once adorned 
Roman senators. He had a magnetic and 
boyish but slightly cruel smile that Payne 
knew many women would find irre- 
sistible, and generous brown eyes that 
gave the agreeable impression that the 
colonel was a man inclined to listen to 
you. Payne would have allowed himself 
to believe that Diaz and these four men 
were playing a very elaborate joke on 
him were it not for the undeniable sen- 


sation, like a racing pulse, of bad energy 
pumping through this room as, with Di- 
az's announcement of his mission, it had 
pumped through the car. The amazing 
thing was, something terrible was about 
to happen, but nobody seemed to be too 
put out by it 

Uncorking the bottle on the table, 
General Rivera asked Elliott Payne what 
was in his cup. "Drink it or throw it out,” 
he said with too much gruff enthusiasm, 
but he took the cup itself and dumped its 
contents on the floor behind him. He re- 
filled the cup halfway from the bottle 
and added equal amounts to the other 
glasses on the table, and then the gener- 
al raised his own in the air, admiring 
amber glow. The toast that Payne antic 
pated was not immediately forthcoming. 
Instead General Rivera wanted to say 
something about the rum he had poured, 
the privilege of its rare existence; it had 
been barreled in 1961 and tapped infre- 
quently in the intervening years—once 
upon his promotion to flag officer and 
then his promotion to the military's chief 
of special operations, once upon his re- 
turn to the island from Angola, once 
upon his son's birth, again on the boy's 
graduation from medical school, again 
upon his own retirement from the army 
and once more, today, to celebrate the life 
of his protégé, his adopted son, Bobby, 
the now middle-aged man he had men- 
tored and trained to be an elite warrior 
of the revolution. Havana Club, the gen- 
eral declared reverently, from the most 
private of reserves, 40 years old, finer 
than the finest cognacs, the most excel- 
lent rum in the world. The general 
raised his glass higher. 

“То Colonel Roberto Carlos Fernan- 
dez de Valdez and the triumph of the 
motherland." 

"Socialismo o muerte," said General 
Ocampo. 

“El Jefe,” said the mulatto with an ex- 
aggerated gust like a sharp rap of fingers 
on a drum, and then all eyes turned to 
Fernandez to see what he would say. 

*Viva Bacardi," he proclaimed to 
whoops of delight, the strained tone of 
their laughter striking Payne as increa 
ingly artificial, somewhere low wit! 
the hollow tones of doom. "Salud," he 
managed, and everyone drank, sipping 
atthe smooth golden fire of the rum, the 
officers making gentle savoring sounds 
of appreciation. Too readily the general 
refilled the glasses, placing the empty 
bottle on the floor where Payne now по- 
ticed a second bottle, also empty. He was 
not surprised by the revelation that in all 
likelihood these men were drunk, and 
here was the patriarch with a lopsided 
smile pulling a third boule from a bag at 
his feet. 

“Сотрайето, we were talking about 
Arturo Suarez," said Colonel Fernandez, 
focusing on Payne. *Do you know him?" 

“No. I've read his books. One of 
them." 


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152 


“Не is опе of the revolution's little 
dogs. These little dogs come running 
from all over the world to lick and play 
with the revolution. But now the revolu- 
tion has no milk for them. Maybe they 
will go away." 

General Ocampo said something, his 
voice like a xylophone, and Colonel Fer- 
nandez translated for the writer's bene- 
fit. “Ocampo says, “Shit attracts flies, and 
revolutionists attract beautiful people." 
Man, you would not believe the ass that 
Fidel gets. He does not fuck peasants, let 
me tell you." 

“But who will dine with us if they go 
away?" said General Rivera, winking. 

“You look old enough,” said Colonel 
Fernandez, making an effort to sound 
reasoned and disinterested, but an esca- 
lation in the style of his sj 
contained his hostility. "Did you serve in 
Victnam?' 

“No,” said Payne. "I was too young.” 

“General Ocampo was my comman- 
der in Grenada, and General Rivera was 
my father's best friend. He has shrapnel 
in his body from when he tried to save 
my father's life in the Sierra Maestra. 
Гуе known him since 1 was a little boy. 


He is a Hero of the Revolution. Coño, we 
are all Heroes of the Revolution.” 

He repeated this in Spanish to his 
companions and they chuckled like 
crows, lighthearted and conspiratorial, 
except for the unnamed colonel who 
mirrored their humor with an edgy re- 
luctance, forcing himself to be enter- 
tained by their secrets, so many secrets 
and subterfuges and lies required to ride 
the tiger of revolution that one was made 
giddy, apparently, by their profusion. 

“I was born in Pinar del Rio and grew 
up in Florida—Daytona, not Miami,” 
said Colonel Fernandez, beginning to be 
visibly affected by the rum. He stopped 
abruptly and looked at Elliott Payne with 
piercing scrutiny. “Excuse me, why 
aren't you w down?" 

"Right," said Payne, and from his bag 
he dug out a notebook and pen. 

“I came home to the little country that 
told the big country to go fuck itself,” 
Fernandez continued with incurable 
nostalgia, "and we must never apologize 
for that, never, not on earth and not in 
heaven. Do you believe we should apolo- 
gize for that?” 

"No." 


“ГЇЇ be appearing on the Dr. Phil show tomorrow. 
The topic is “How to Deal With a Man Who's Bad in Bed.’ But 
don't worry, I'll only use your first name.” 


"What should we apologize бог?” 

"Nothing. I don't know." 

“My friend, what would you like to ask 
me?" 

“Why are you being executed? It is 
you, isn't it?" 

Fhe colonel's expression was both 
mocking and arrogant, and he raised his 
eyebrows and pursed his lips clownishly 
and answered, “Economics. 

"Okay," said Payne, not caring about 
an explanation. "And why am I here?" 

“You,” said the colonel with sly regard, 
“are my last request.” 

And yes, that was true, but only tech- 
nically. Elliott Payne was not who the 
colonel had in mind when, in the depths 
of gloomy defiance from confinement 
elsewhere on the base, he had asked 
General Rivera to intercede with Castro 
on his behalf and permit a member of 
the foreign press to attend what tomor- 
row the Cuban press would describe 
with solemn, scorning righteousness as 
“the justice delivered to the traitor 
Colonel Fernandez for the unacceptable 
crime of narco-trafficking”; the colonel's 
rogue actions had "supplied arguments 
to the enemies of revolution.” Drugs ош, 
tourists in—that was the immediate and 
timely message to foreign investors, or at 
least the window dressing required to 
thwart Washington's opposition to Cuba's 
blooming sweetheart deals around the 
globe. "So he kills me," the colonel said 
now. “It's that simple." He had fallen 
from grace, a fatal condition for a man 
like Bobby Fernandez, in a place like 
Cuba. Тһе colonel was а man of the 
world, specifically a man of the business 
world. He and his cadre of special oper- 
atives had kept this country going for 
much of the past decade when it would 
otherwise have assembled and 
bobbed in the sea like so much ideologi- 
cal sewage. Which was the higher virtue, 
the purity of ideology or the impurity of 
survival, and who on the revolutionary 
council wanted to answer that? Most of 
what he had done, the important things, 
had been done without the chief's 
knowledge and assent, because he уу 
and always had been and had no de: 
to be anything but a warrior in service of 
the revolution. He waged a dever form. 
of sabotage against the colossus, the ene- 
my's weakness transformed into Cuba's 
strength, helping the enemy rot from 
within, accelerating the natural process 
of imperial decay, but the problem was 
you couldn't feed enough poison to an 
enemy whose appetite for filth was 
boundless. In the end it was impractical 
and finally an embarrassment. Not even 
Castro would deny that the colonel had 
carned his right to petition, and he had 
honor to convince him that 
his request was justifiable and had let his 
vanity assume he would be attended in 
accord with his erstwhile status. With the 
chief's blessings, the colonel would be 
permitted to tell his story, unstained Бу 


the official version. And who was this ruption, and Rivera frowned and 
man Elliott Payne? Someone from The — clucked his tongue at the mulatto, as if to 
New York Times, from The Wall Street Jour- scold him for not understanding that 
nal, someone credible and trustworthy, Bobby Fernandez was entitled to this 
somebody from the Financial Times, from foolishness. The writer, still copying 
The Guardian, from Le Monde, from fuck- down the last sentence, experienced а both too little and too much. He had not 
ing People magazine, what did it matter? pang of tenderness for the condemned imagined the permanent 
A mule whose only purpose in life wasto шап, but it felt dishonest; the whole god- horror, and when 
freight the deeds and facts of the other damn performance was a radical imposi- ing and he could walk again, he turned 
men on his back. He was here, he һай tion on oul. Bobby Fernande d away from it, the spell of the ordeal not 
come to receive the unique gift of the his head, an element of theat broken but just beginning. There was 
experience that was Bobby Fernandez grim serenity, and his eyes passed across Diaz, mopping sweat from his brow with 
heroic life, and it was his duty to respect them glassily, all friends, all comrades, а handkerchief, then wiping his entire 
that gift and share it with the universe. all as treacherous as himself. His eyes face with too much vigor, which for some 
The colonel calmed the gathering — glistened, but he did not cry, and he did reason disgusted Payne. He looked up at 
dread in his mind and drank down an- not lose his composure but became dig- hc sky, darkening with thunderheads, 
other glass of rum, the last gulp causing nified and then pliant. He swayed to his and when he looked back down, the two 
him to wheeze through a clenched jaw, feet, and then they took him out to the generals were in front of him, their faces 
and then he һе- stricken with the 


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could he be so shocked, why had he 
doubted these men would actually do 
what ıhey had told him they would do? 
Seeing a man ritualistically shot, the 
morbid ceremony of a firing squad, was 


Paync, only to him. “You helped him, 

Payne guiltily wrote said General Rivera, 
down every word Y squeezing Payne's 
he said, guilty yet in M&S shoulder. “You gave 


awe of the miracle 4 him comfort," the 
of Bobby Fernan- black general said in 
dez, a living man Á 1 mournful Spanish 
on the verge of be- 4 ) SHE'S THE ONE! “Yeah,” said Elliott 
ing swallowed by НВ Payne. “You bet.” 
eternity, this mira- А The two generals 
cle of talking to a shambled away to- 
dcad man, in a 
sense the first knot 
in his own exis- 
tence that he had 
encountered but 
could not unti 

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of what you imag- 
inc arc insignificant actions, you fail to 
imagine the best options, and you begin 
to lose companions who were necessary 
to your strength and acquire others who 
contribute to your weakness. A revolu- 
tion is an act of unsurpassable will, but 
collective will. One man's will is not 
supreme enough, immortal enough, to 
carry the burden of people forward. sequence of his brain. A soldier with а continue, which he did with harsh, bright- 
And so handheld vidco camera filmed it all. cyed fury. "Okay," said Diaz. "He says 
“Basta.” When the bullets hit, Elliott Payne that those two men could do something 
The unnamed colonel looked at his completely lost his equilibrium and felt but did nothing.” Diaz paused while the 
gold wristwatch and stood up, straight his own knees buckle. He gasped as Fer- unnamed colonel machine-gunned him 
and erect and foreboding. Had Fernan- nandez gasped, and the impact threw again with language, then turned to 
dez gone too far, Payne wondered, or thecoloncl's head back. He found himself burn his eyes into Elliott Payne. “Okay 
had the appointed hour simply arrived? unprepared for the shame and incom- һе says that Bobby Fernandez was theirs, 
General Rivera and General Ocampo  prehensibility of death, the instanta- but they would not"—he quickly turned 
seemed mildly aggrieved by this inter- neous creepy calm of its aftermath. How to the mulatto for a clarification—“okay, 153 


grounds and sol- 
diers heaved the body of Bobby Fer- 
nandez into its bed. He stared at the 
sullen Diaz, his numbness untouched 
by the deputy's humiliation, thinking 
how well servility suited him. 

“This man says something for you," 
Diaz sputtered, clumsy with his trans- 
lation, and waited for the mulatto to 


parade ground and shot him, drunk but. 
steady and grinning crookedly with an 
insolence meant only to affirm his man- 
hood, a small portable cassette player 
trembling in his hands and headphones 
wrapped over his cars bencath his 
peaked hat, nodding coolly at the blast 
of Jimi Hendrix into the final synaptic 


PLAYBOY 


154 


he says stand with him. Colonel Fernan- 
dez. You understand? They would not 
stand with him. What is the word?” 

“Look, I don't care,” said Payne. "Can 
I go now?” 

The nameless colonel nodded at the 
writer, satisfied in his assumption that 
the truth had passed between them, but 
before he would release him he had a fa- 
vor to ask. Bobby Fernandez had a habit 
that was not cocaine but a subtler pas- 
sion, writing poetry, which he had rarely 
shown even to his comrades. The mulat- 
to was holding a cheap vinyl portfolio 
clutched to his stomach, containing, he 
said, Fernandez's writings. He wanted 
Elliott Payne to take these and give them 
to the dead man's mother іп Miami. The 
portfolio couldn't just be dropped in the 


mail, because there was no confirmed 
address, but surely Señor Payne could 
track her down and deliver this legacy. 
Please, said the deputy, distressed by the 
mulatto’s insistence. Although Payne 
had no intention of following through 
оп the request, he agreed just to get 
away from him, to get out of there. 

On the ride back, the light began to 
fail and angry clouds scraped low over 
Havana, sending down columns of pur- 
ple rain over the silenced barrios. Banks 
of steam erupted from the streets, wisps 
like pufis of smoke snagging in the tree- 
tops. For some reason his muscles, every 
one of them, ached as if he had been out 
on the high seas in a storm, his body 
tossed and pounded. Diaz cleared his 
throat once as if he might say something: 


E 


"Well! Aud a very happy Valentine's Day to 
you, too, Miss Finch!" 


but didn't until minutes later when he 
cleared it again and asked the American, 
"How did you find Havana?" Even if 
Payne had wanted to talk, what could 
you say about Havana? Restless at the 
marina the previous night, he had asked 
his Cubanacán driver to take him to the 
old section of the city, down narrow cob- 
bled alleys vaguely Neapolitan, to have a 
drink at Hemingway's old hangout La 
Bodeguita del Medio. Behind the 
counter, two bartenders manufactured 
endless mojitos, 20 at a time, for the 
relentless tide of thirsty Germans and 
Mexicans and Canadians that churned 
through, sweeping in and sweeping out, 


and taking deep, dizzyi 
pathos of bohemian Cuba. Across the 
street three plainclothes police officers 
stood like statuary, arms folded, glower- 
ing at the imported euphoria, and be- 
yond them in the expansive darkness of 


the city all the pretty girls and boys of 
the revolution offering themselves for а 
meal or a bar of soap or a bottle of nail 
polish or the change in your pocket, and 
behind the doors of the city th: ve 
and disheartened parents, sus] 
one another, their lips glued by fear, and 
behind them Havana herself, an exotic 
passion permanently flaunting the edges 
of self-destruction, semi-feral but with 
hip intensity, sliding up to disaster and 
then fluttering away, a city like a Latin 
woman, beautiful but exhausted, danc- 
ing through the perfumed night with a 
gun in her hand, her destiny rehabilitat- 
ed this very afternoon—by what? This 
cleansing of a state like a whore's bath, a 
quick wipe between the legs and let the 
next customer into the parlor? But he 
didn't feel like telling Diaz any of this, so 
he said nothing but closed his eyes and 
didn’t open them again until the Mer- 
cedes stopped and the driver opened the 
door and Diaz took his elbow again to 
You know this man Fernandez, he 
was escoria—scum, a psychopath,” and 
he was back at the marina, stepping 
through the puddles to the bar, looking 
for a waste can where he could toss the 
portfolio. He heard clapping behind the 
hedges of oleander, feedback on a micro- 
phone, the wooden cadence of someone 
reading a speech. 

An hour later he was still nursing the 
same beer when the men from the Cere- 
bella found him there. “My boy Payne, 
where have you been?” Doc Billy said, 
braying at him like a jackass. “You 
missed it. They gave me an award,” and 
that was lovely, wasn't it, the artful re- 
siliency of the revolution, taking every- 
опе by the elbow, whispering its grim 5е- 
duction. How could it not, afier all, have 
given him something, however small, 
that would be remembered. 


PLAYMATE ë NEWS 


AFTERNOON DELIGHT 


When the ABC soap opera Port Charles 
was cancelled last year, five other shows 
jumped at the chance to move star Kel- 
ly Monaco to their fictional, melodrama- 
saturated towns. Kelly—who was nominat- 
ed for a Daytime Emmy for her role as 
vampire Livvie Locke—chose to stay close 
to her roots: She moved across the lot 
to PC's mother show, General Hospital, 
where she now plays Samantha McCall. 
Kelly, who has appeared on Bayuatch and 
Spin City and in the movies Idle Hands 
and Mumford, was not jobless for long. "I 


had no idea the feedback I would get 
would be so enormous," Kelly told TV 
Guide. "You never know what people's re- 
actions will be toward you as an actor 
when the boat sinks. You think, That's it; 
I'm done. But thankfully I had offers com- 
ing in from every direction.” Die-hard 
soap watchers (read: junkies) who were 
afraid of losing their daily Kelly fix can 
breathe easy, because her character has al- 
ready become a major part of long-running 
СН. "Samantha is а feisty free spirit" Kelly 
has said. "I was 
offered a lot of 
other character 
who were simi- 
lar to Livvie— 
the vixen and 
the villain. 1 
wanted to 
branch away 
from that. Right 
now Samantha 
is in the middle 
of a great ro- 
mantic comedy. 
There's a lot of 
dry humor. We 
didn’t want to 
jump right into 
alove story. We 
want to build 
something sta- 
ble for Saman. 
tha and Jax." 
(Apparently 
that's a name in 
soap opera land.) A love story? Does that 
mean we'll see partially nude love scenes? 
We say set the Tivo and fast-forward to 
the good parts. 


If you've never seen Gen- 
eral Hospital, here's whot 
you're missing: stor Kelly 
Monoco. Above: her 
recent TV Guide feoture. 


Julie Cialini is one of the zil- 
lion models who swear they 
were ugly ducklings as kids. 
We're skeptical, 


but here’s her take: “High 
school was clannish. I was 
never part of the crowd.” As 
it should be for all misfits 
turned Playmates, when she 
went to her reunion “all 
eyes were on me.” Take that, 
homecoming queen. 


LOOSE Lips 


“If people knew how КЕС 
treats chickens, they'd never 
eat another drumstick. I am 
calling for a boycott of all 
KFC restaurants until my 
friends at PETA tell me that 
you have agreed to be 
kinder in your practices." — 
Pamela Anderson, in a letter 
faxed to Priszm Brandz, a 
company that owns KFCs 


HOT SPOT 


KNOW ABOUT THE DAHMS 


1. Before Erica, Nicole and Jaclyn 
were born, their mom didn't know 
that she was having 
triplets—she thought 
she was having twins. 
"Our heartbeats were 
in sync," says Jaclyn. 
"After the first two 
came out, our mom 
was like, "I here's an- 
other one in there. 
2. When they were 
eight, they did a 
Hardee's commercial 
with triplet boys. 

3. It took five weeks 
to shoot their December 1998 pictor- 
ial. Then they spent a month in L.A. 
taping segments for Playboy ТУ and 
filming their Playmate home video. 


Q: What were you like in high 
school? 

A: Friendly, studious and involved. 
Iwas editor of the paper and an hon- 
ors student. 

Q: Did you have a 
lot of boyfriends? 

A: I wasn't allowed 
to date. When people 
found out I had posed 
they were shocked. 
They remember a 
conservative girl. 

Q: What else might 
shock them? 

A: When Howard 7 
Stern asked me if I like anal sex, I 
told the truth: I do. I also told the 
truth about how many partners I've 
had: I can count them on one hand. 


MY FAVORITE PLAYMATE 


By Andrew W.R. 


"Redheads cre cool be- 


cause they're rare 
Heather Carolin is almost 
a mini Nicole Kidman. On 
her Dota Sheet she said 

Р that she 7 —— 
wonted a 1967 
Chevy Camoro SS. 
1wos like, "What if 
I bought it for her?’ 
My friend soid, ‘If 
you're buying her. 
a cor, con you get 
me o new set of 
fires?’ His car hod 
broken down. Thot 
Ц pul it back into 
perspective." 


For those who pause the Sharon Stone leg-crossing 
scene in Basic Instinct, here's a better visual. Left: God- 
dess Victoria Silvstedt. Is she wearing underpants? 
Middle: Nope, no underpants! Right: Victoria on her 
way to a party. She is not, in fact, wearing underpants. 


PLAYMA! OSSIP 
Remember when Yankees third 
baseman Aaron Boone hit the 
homer that put his team into the 
World Series? Not only did А 


he get his photo on the 2% 
front page of every New i 
York City newspaper, he 

also got to go home to his € 
wife, Playmate Laura Cov- 
er....Christina Santiago and 
Pennelope Jimenez (below) 
were interviewed by Fox TV 


at the Magic fashion trade 
show in Los Angeles. ..Stacy 


Christina ond Pennelape rock the mike. 


Fuson pops up in the Kelsey 
Grammer film The Good Humor 
Man....Carmella DeCesare, 
Lani Todd and Ulrika Ericsson 
(below) all hung out together 
at the Trans World Enter- 
tainment convention in New 
York City... Carrie Stevens, Au- 
dra Lynn, Julie McCullough, 
Serria Tawan, Ava Fabian and 
Stephanie Heinrich are some of 
the Centerfolds who played for 
charity on the game show Street 
Smarts....Brande Roderick has 


Are you thinking what we're thinking? 


roles in three movies: Dracula II: 
Ascension, Out of Control and the 
one we're dying to see, Starsky & 
Hutch, starring Ben Stiller and 
Owen Wilson. Because she's 
hot, and because apparently this 
is what hot girls do, Brande also 
has her own calendar. Get it at 
branderoderick.com. 


Exclusive access to over 100,000 
uncensored photographs from 
1953 on, every Playn inen 


behind 


с К 0105277 


“ші, 


LIOTT * AND 
EAN PAUL MORE! _ 


v 


When hip-hop's hottest act rides with a posse of hotties, it's gonna get Buckwild! 
Go on the bus, backstage and back to the hotel rooms with Snoop Dogg and 
his ten lovely Buckwild Girls while they blow it up raw and uncensored on the 
Roc the Mic Tour. It's the freakiest party posse ever! Y 


Playboy TV unieashes the Snoop Dogg! 


PLAYBOY TV + JAN 9 7ET & 10PT ж 


©2004 Playboy Entertainment Group Inc. All Rights Reserved. PLAYBOY TV 


оп the scene 


WHAT'S HAPPENING, WHERE IT'S HAPPENING AND WHO'S MAKING IT HAPPEN 


THE GREAT INDOORS 


ey, cut yourself some slack. In the thick of February- the disc DVD boxed set ($99, pictured below)? Pour a tall one from 
iciest, most suicide-friendly month of the year—theres no our bar of this winter's new liquors, power up these hom 
better time to skip out on your plans, kick back in your cas- theater components, and toast to the recline of Western сім 
Че with your favorite naked girl and indulge in some peace 

and quiet. What could beat e d singl alt ac ied 

by some prime space-monster slaughter from the new Alien nine- 


8 
Š 


Above left: New libations 
this season include (from 
left) Miller's Reformed 
London Dry gin (80 proof, 
$29); Ikon Russian vodka 
(80 proof, $14); Pappy Van 
Winkle’s Family Reserve 
bourbon (95.6 proof, $200); 
Glenmorangie Vintage 1977 
single malt scotch (86 proof, 
$250); Santa Teresa 1796 
Antiguo de Solera Venezue- 
lan rum (80 proof, $35). 
Above: DirecTV HD DVR 
(top, 599), 
igh-definition 
digital video recorder; a 250 
GB hard drive records 30 
hours of high-definition 
footage. Pioneer Elite DV- 
59AVi (bottom, $1,600), the 
first component that can 
tackle CDs, DVDs, Super 
Audio CDs and DVD Audio 
discs. Left: Sony KF- 
42WE610 42-inch LCD rear- 
projection TV ($2,500), an 
HD-ready digital number 
that kicks ass for the pi 


WHERE AND HOW 10 BUY ON PAGE 1- 


Merapevine 


Spice Rack 
Forget her tenybopper 
past: Victoria “Posh 
Spice” Beckham is all 
woman. Her second 
solo album is about to 
drop, and She's spend- 
ing more time in sunny 
Spain now that her 
husband, English soc- 
cer superstamDavid 
Beckham, has bee! 
traded to Real Madi 
What's next, Bend It 
Like Mrs. Beckham? 


Ashanti Backs That Thing Up 


Ashanti (grooving in Atlanta, below) has sold 5 million 
albums, bagged a Grammy and released a second smash, 
Chapter II. So is she digging the spotlight? Kind of. “The in- 
dustry is full of sharks," she says. "You have to rise above it. 


Charmed, 
We're Sure 
Let's not think about. 
the Alyssa Milano. 
who played Saman- 
tha, the jailbait also 
known as Tony 
Danza's TV daugh- 
ter. So where should 
one's mind wander? 
To the Charmed star 
getting ready for this 
Los Angeles movie 
premiere. In the 
room were just 
Milano, a black dress 
and some lucky 
double-stick tape. 


Alien 
Resurrection 
TruANT, Alien Ant Farm's 
first record since the 
band's devastating May 
2002 bus crash, is all. 
about quirky rock 
anthems and livin' it up. 
Don't worry if you can't 
get tickets to see them 
live— their single, “These 
Days," is featured in the 
game Madden NFL 2004. 


The Newlywed 
Game 

Dear МТУ reality star 
Jessica Simpson: We 
don't care whether you 
know how to do laundry 
or that Chicken of the 
Sea is actually tuna—we 
like you because you're 
really hot. And when our 
girlfriends flip the chan- 
nel to Newlyweds, ме 
only pretend to hate it. 


ҒА 
Object of Envy 


Modetactress LisaRaye (no last name needed, Cher- 
style) is cool for a few reasons: Her sister is rapper Da 
Brat, and she once appeared in The Cheapest Movie Ever 
Made. Next up? Envy, a comedy about dog-poop remover 
(no joke) starring Jack Black and Ben Stiller. 


[Tawni Mychaels, 
a surfer chick 

ho was born in 
Hawaii and now 
causes waves. 
in New Jersey. 
We've seen her 
before, in Muscle 
6 Fitness maga- 
zine, but we 


prefer this angle. 


161 


ШіИссірсиігі 


FEELING FRESH? 


Pleasure Wipes "are 
the answer for mod- 
ern living,” according 
to the company. While 
we have no idea what 
that mean 
give these vanilla- or 
mango-scented wipes 
(we prefer the latter) 
the thumbs-up. They 
are meant to "refresh" 
the body before and 
after a romp, and 
they re alcohol-free— 
safe to use on those 
sensitive spots. A tub 
0£25 (below) costs $7. 
Order yours from 
pleasurewipes.com 


we can 


THE ROAD FROM ZUFFENHAUSEN 


WHEELS OF FORTUNE 


The first Porsche, a Type 356-1, tore up Austrian tarmacs іп 1948. 
since, the company has been pumping out some of the world's sexiest 
street screamers—Speedsters, 924s, 928s, Boxsters, Spyders, Carreras. 
The 911 has survived for more than four decades, the longest single 
production of any postwar auto design in the world. Dennis Adler's 
hardcover history (Random House, $75) will fill you in on all the 
details. It has a foreword by Ferdinand Alexander Porsche ІП, who 
heads up Porsche Design and sits on the company's board of directors 
(busy guy). More important, the book's got color photos galore. Steer 
162 clear of the urge to read it while hightailing down an open road 


THE SKY'S THE LIMIT 


Most people who chanced upon an aero- 
nautical graveyard scattered across the 
Sonoran Desert in Arizona would have 
come to the same conclusion: What a 
freakin’ mess! But designer Giancarlo de 
Astis had other ideas. De Astis created a 
line of furniture—desks, chairs, lamps— 
from junked airplane parts. He built the 
Il Sole conference table ($9,000) out of a 
jet engine and a burl walnut base. Fly over 
to deastisdesigns.com to see the collection 


PARTY IN YOUR POCKET 


One thing your mother should've taught 
you: Never go anywhere without a fully 
loaded bar. Not even to the bathroom. You 
never know when you'll desire a drink 
The Wine Companion from Tool Logic 
($25) has a corkscrew, a foil cutter, a can- 
and-bottle opener, a knife for lemons 
and limes, a fork for olives and a cocktail 
stirrer. And the whole thing is the size of 
a credit card. Order up at toollogic.com. 
Booze and dames not included. 


DIE ANOTHER DAY 


Actor Desmond Llewelyn 
played Q, 007% spy-gear 
inventor, in most of the 
Bond movies. Need a rocket- 
launching BMW or a foun- 
tain pen machine gun? He's 
still your guy. Llewelyn died 
in 1999, but California-based 
Sideshow Collectibles has 
brought him back to life in 
the form of a 12-inch plastic 
statue ($50). The new Q has 
30 joints, comes in an actual 
tweed suit and carries a 

case full of spy gizmos 
ull his leg and he 
explodes! Just kidding. Order 


at sideshowcollectibles.com. 


RETRO REBOUND 


"The original Mattel hand- 
held basketball game came 
out in the 1980s. Instead of 
chasing girls, you sat and 
played with yourself, maneu- 
vering those little red dots ир 
and down the court. (“Hey, 
that red dot resembles Larry 
Bird, only it's better looking!) 
The new classic version ($13) 
has the same funky look and 
retro feel of the original but 
with one important improve- 
ment: A three-point line 

has been added. Score! It's 
video gaming like it ought 

to be—completely devoid 

of any skill, intelligence 

or coordination. 


CLASSIC BASHETBA 
AMANTEL 


SNOW BALLS 


To mark our 50th anniver- 
sary, Playboy hooked up with 
some of the world's great 
consumer visionaries to 
create products and fashion 
items featuring the iconic 
Rabbit: watches from 
Dunhill, skateboards from 
‘Tony Hawk and the Burton- 
produced Playboy Custom 
58 snowboard ($550), a 
limited-edition beauty that's 
built for half-pipes and 
slopes alike, If you've ever 
dreamed of riding a hot 
snow bunny hard right on a 
slope, here's your big chance. 
Head over to burton.com. 


FRONT-ROW SEAT 


"The average man will spend roughly eight years 
of his life widening his ass in front of a TV. You 
might as well treat yourself to a comfortable seat. 
"The Matinee, La-Z-Boy's first home theater 
collection, tilts you back at a 15-degree angle for 
optimum viewing. The chair comes with a drink 
holder and a snack tray and is available in dozens 
of fabrics and colors ($600 to $1,900 per chair). 
‘The only negative about this throne: having to 
get out of it. Trust us. More info at lazboy.com. 


THE GREEN FAIRY 


Absinthe has suffered from bad PR. Could it be 
because the authentic stuff made with worm- 
wood back in the 19th century was toxic and 
said to drive folks insane? Genuine absinthe 
was outlawed in the U.S. in 1912, and it's still. 
illegal to sell it here. But you can get a bottle 
of Czech absinthe from the British firm Sebor 
Absinth ($80, 110 proof) at seborabsinth.com. 
The pour: Dump a shot in a glass, then dis- 
solve a sugar cube in water and add. Or drink 
it straight—at your own risk. 


163 


ШіИехі Month 


NOW 


RUEBERFACE REVEALED: JIM CARREY'S PLAYBOY INTERVIEW. 


WWE SUPERVIXENS —GET IN THE RING AS WE PIN DOWN 
WRESTLING'S HOTTEST PINUPS AND BEST-SELLING 
PLAYBOY ALUMS—TORRIE WILSON AND SABLE FOR A SPE- 
CIAL (NUDE!) FACE-OFF IT'S THE ULTIMATE CATFIGHT—AND 
YOU'VE GOT A FRONT-ROW SEAT 


JIM CARREY—THE PLANET'S MOST PLIABLE MOVIE STAR 
SPOKE TO US FOR HOURS—AND HE DIDN'T TALK OUT OF HIS 
BUTT ONCE! THE FUNNYMAN GETS SERIOUS ABOUT TINSEL- 
TOWN’S FREAKINESS, HIS HOLLYWOOD LOVE LIFE, THE 
DOWNSIDE OF MAKING $20 MILLION A MOVIE AND HIS NEW. 
PROJECT, ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND. 
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW BY MICHAEL FLEMING 


A DOG'S LIFE-—WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T CALL DUANE 
"DOG" CHAPMAN А BAIL-ENFORCEMENT AGENT. HE'S THE 
WORLD'S MOST FAMOUS BOUNTY HUNTER, THE GUY WHO 
SNAGGED THE MAX FACTOR RAPIST AND THOUSANDS OF 
OTHERS. WE GO ON A MIDNIGHT RUN TO FIND OUT HOW A 
GUY WHO DID HARD TIME IN A TEXAS CLINK ENDED UP ON 
THE OTHER SIDE OF THE LAW. BY KENT BLACK 


WEIRD COLLECTORS—GET READY FOR THE OBSESSIVE, 
FASCINATING, SOMETIMES SCARY WORLD ОҒ HARD-CORE 
PACK RATS. THEIR PRIZED COLLECTIONS OF MEMORABILIA. 


HES TWISTED, AND WE LIKE IT CHUCK PALAHNIUK FICTION. 


Las 


= 
TORRIE VS. SABLE: NAKED SMACKDOWN, 


BARF BAGS. CORKSCREWS, USED POLICE CARS, SPARK 
PLUGS, SAND AND SERIAL-KILLER ART MAY BE WORTH MIL- 
LIONS ON EBAY. OR NOT 


MUD LUST —YOU'VE BEEN TRAPPED INSIDE ALL WINTER, AND 
NOW THE GROUND IS STARTING TO THAW. YOU KNOW WHAT 
THAT MEANS—OFF-ROADING! WE TRACK DOWN THE BEST 
TRUCK, MOTORCYCLE AND MOUNTAIN BIKE FOR TEARING 
THROUGH THE TERRAIN 


WILLIAM PETERSEN-— THE CSI STAR HAS A STRONG STOM- 
ACH FROM DEALING WITH THE HIT FORENSIC SHOW'S 
CREEPY CRAWLIES, AND STRONG WORDS FOR SHOWBIZ'S 
OTHER LOWER LIFE-FORMS. WE INVESTIGATE WHY HE DID 
JAIL TIME—AND WHO HE WOULD MOST LIKE TO CAST AS A 
GUEST CORPSE. 20 QUESTIONS BY STEPHEN REBELLO 


GUTS—THE GUY WHO WROTE FIGHT CLUB BRINGS US 
FICTION ABOUT SEX. TWISTED, BIZARRE SEX. WOULD YOU 
EXPECT ANYTHING LESS? BY CHUCK PALAHNIUK 


PLUS: A CLOSER LOOK AT PLAYBOY'S CYBER GIRLS, CAMPAIGN 
STUNTS RUN AMOK, UNDER THE COVERS WITH CHRISTI 
SHAKE, DRESSING UP WITH SPRING SUITS AND UNDRESSING 
WITH MISS MARCH, SANDRA HUBBY 


Playboy (ISSN 0032-1478), February 2004, volume 51, number 2. Published monthly by Playboy in national and regional editions, Playboy, 680 

North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611. Periodicals postage paid at Chicago, Illinois and at additional mailing offices, Canada Post Cana- 

dian Publications Mail Sales Product Agreement No. 40035534. Subscriptions: іп the U.S., $29.97 for 12 issues. Postmaster: Send address change to 
164 Playboy, PO. Box 2007, Harlan, lowa 51537-4007. For subscription-related questions, call 800-999. 8, or e-mail circ(iny playboy.com.