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Na zdrowie, Secretariat. 


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Na zdrowie, New York City. 
Na zdrowie, 10/14/1947. 
Na zdrowie, Socrates. 


Na zdrowie, Sophocles 


rowie, Picasso's Blue Period. 
rowie, silver anniversaries. 
Na zdrowie, 29,035 ft. 

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Na zdrowie, Mr. Hogan. 

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Na zdrowie, Kill Bill Vol. 2 


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Nazdrowie, Picasso's Cubist Period. 
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Na zdrowie, ©. 
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In Curse of the Double Eagle, 
Bryan Christy investigates the 
biggest coin bust in modern his- 
tory, which involved an iconic— 
and illegal —1933 gold piece. 
“When | first got wind of the 
story,” he says, “it bothered me 
that the U.S. Mint could раппег 
with a smuggler to sell a coin it 
claimed was stolen from its own 
vault. But the pull of this coin is 
amazingly strong. People with 
every reason not to get involved 
just couldn't resist helping them- 
selves to their little piece of the 
pie." Christy found himself in a 
shady, little-known underworld. 
“The dusty coin dealer's shop 
is a back door to an incredible 
world. Millionaires, mobsters 
and men preparing for divorce 
all come to the door.” 


This month's fiction, Yellow, is 
by Scott Smith, the author of 
A Simple Plan, the best-selling 
novel that was made into a film 
starring Billy Bob Thornton 
After the success of A Simple 
Plan, Smith spent much of his 
time writing for Hollywood. "I'd 
been writing screenplays and 
wanted to get back into prose," 
he says. "Yellow felt like an easy 
transition from screenwriting, 
because the story is dialogue- 
driven. The two guys start out 
innocently sparring and even- 
tually sink to this level where 
one of them is completely bro- 
ken by the end. They were fun 
characters to write. Anything 
that shakes up the equilibrium 
is fun to write.” 


“бо shorty, it's your birthday.” With the multiplatinum suc- 
cess of 50 Cent's single "In Da Club,” those words be- 
came a universal call to party. The song's dramatic bounce 
sent 50 straight to the top of the hip-hop hierarchy. “Gangster 
rappers do a lot of shouting and threatening,” says Rob 
Tannenbaum, who traded rhymes with the young star for 
the Playboy Interview. "But 50 Cent is very understated. If 
you didn't know he had nine bullet holes in him, you might 
think you were talking to your postman. He has a good 
sense of humor. And he smiles a lot—especially when talk- 
ing about gruesome things. He can be talking about all the 
people who want him dead and he's smiling." In fact, 50 
didn't even wear his bulletproof vest for the interview. "He 
understood we weren't going to bust a cap in his ass.” 


Every month The Playboy Forum teatures a five-point pre- 
scription for curing a seemingly intractable problem. In 
this issue we offer “Five Ways to Fix the Airline Industry," 
by Sir Richard Branson, the world-famous entrepreneur 
behind the Virgin empire, including the highly successful Vir- 
gin Atlantic airline. “1 could get busted for sexism for saying 
this," says Branson, “but if you recruited Playmates as cabin 
staff, you'd certainly fill your planes—and keep them up for- 
ever.” Perhaps coming soon to an airport near you: Hefnair. 


If it's April, it's time for the results of our annual music poll. But 
this package does more than look back—we've found the 
sounds that will make you one with your iPod for months. 
"There were more than a few knock-down-drag-outs about 
whom to highlight," reports Associate Editor Alison Prato, 
who spearheaded our coverage. "Music is so subjective. One 
man's Peaches is another man's Garbage. The one group 
everyone agreed on was OutKast, which clearly dominated 
2003. I mean, who wasn't shaking it like a Polaroid picture?" 


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vol. 51, no. 4—april 2004 


contents 


features 


CURSE OF THE DOUBLE EAGLE 

It's the world's most desired coin: Millionaires, crooks and kings have all loved 
and lost an ultra-rare 1933 gold piece known as the Saint-Gaudens double 
eagle. Stolen from the U.S. Mint nearly 70 years ago, it flipped from one rich 
‘man’s pocket into another's until the Secret Service finally nabbed it in an under- 
cover sling operation. But could our government resist the chance to profit from 
this $7.5 million anomaly? BY BRYAN CHRISTY 


YEAR IN MUSIC 2004 

OutKast became an in-crowd favorite, Coldplay burned bright, and Johnny Cash 
made one for the ages. Now our readers cast their voles on the past year's music 
scene. Plug into Ihe winners of our annual poll, plus деер thoughts from Kelis, the 
Strokes and Lucinda Williams. That's music to anyone's ears. 


FEAR 

According to this esteemed author, our present circumstances have more in common 
with the 1950s than just a love of khakis. He sees parallels to the Cold War, suspects 
our leaders of capitalizing on fear to promote their agenda and senses a backlash 
bubbling its way to the top. BY E.L. DOCTOROW 


WHEN TAXES ATTACK! 

Just in case you need another reason to put off doing your taxes, here's a look at 
some tax scams and dubious deductions that will put your shoebox full of bogus 
receipts to shame. BY CHIP ROWE 


OPEN SEASON 

The 2004 major league baseball season is shaping up to be one of Ihe strangest 
in the 150-year history of the game. Our annual preview primes you with all 
the juice—unfolding scandals, blood feuds that could explode into violence and 
projected standings, plus our picks for the October action. BY ALLEN ST. JOHN 


20Q KEVIN SMITH 

The Jersey-obsessed director explains why Bennifer won't curse his new movie, 
fantasizes about watching his wife with another man and tells fans whether they'll 
ever see the return of Jay and Silent Bob. BY PAUL YOUNG 


fiction 


YELLOW 
To explain his wife's potbelly, a man lies to his friend that she is pregnant. But what 
if she actually is pregnant—and the little bump of joy isn't his? BY SCOTT SMITH 


interview 


50 CENT 

For a hip-hop star, nothing earns respect like getting shot nine times. In a loaded 
Playboy Interview, 50 Cent shoots back with no-bull answers on everything from his 
drug-dealing past to his high-flying current life—and why his many enemies should 
still fear him. BY ROB TANNENBAUM 


cover story 


Rocker Rod Stewort's most famous song asks 
"Da Yo Think I'm Sexy?" Well, not really, Rod. 
We much prefer his ex-wife, cover girl Rochel 
Hunter. The New Zeolond beauty become 
fomous modeling swimwear. Now the super- 
model tokes off her bikini and shows off her 
super body for photogropher Sonte D'Orazio 
Our Rabbit helps give Rachel о boost. 


vol. 51, no. 4—april 2004 


PLAYBOY 


| contents continuea| cont 


nued 


pictorials 


72 


94 


BEAUTY AND THE BEAT 
Seven sexy DJs spin out of their 
clothes on our dance floor. Theyve 
got grooves. 


PLAYMATE: KRISTA KELLY 
Krista is living proof of Canada's 
valuable natural resources. 
RACHEL HUNTER 

Many rock stars have fallen for 


her. Now we know why. 


notes and news 


53 


HEF TAKES NEW YORK 

The Man and his girlfriends visit 
the Big Apple to celebrate our 
50th anniversary with Donald 
Trump. Hugh Jackman and Lara 
Flynn Boyle. 


THE PLAYBOY FORUM 
Cast your vote for the first female 


or nonwhite president; how the 
Bushes became the new Kennedys. 


PLAYMATE NEWS 
Pam Anderson hits the mike as a 
shock jockette, and Anna Nicole 


goes from full to fit. 


departments 


PLAYBILL 

DEAR PLAYBOY 
AFTER HOURS 
MANTRACK 


THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 
PARTY JOKES 

WHERE AND HOW TO BUY 
ON THE SCENE 
GRAPEVINE 

POTPOURRI 


fashion 


CLASSIC ROCK, 

CLASSIC STYLE 

We re-create timeless album covers 
by the Who, the Ramones, the Boss 
and others with the clothes you 
want lo rock in loday. 

BY JOSEPH DE АСЕТІЅ 


reviews 


33 


36 


37 


MOVIES 
The Coen brothers want you to 
meet their Ladykillers. 


DVDS 
Weighing the merits of 21 Grams. 


MUSIC 

Get into ihe swing with the Vines, 
plus Alanis Morissette and Ghost- 
face Killah. 


GAMES 

Driver 3 burns rubber, Fight Night 
knocks us out, and The Sims 2 gets 
а XXX rating. 


BOOKS 
John Saul's hellishly haunted 
house; porn stars’ hottest sex tricks. 


PRINTED IN U.S.A. 


©2004 Orbitz, LLC 


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ORBITZ 


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Celebrate HUGH M. HEFNER 


editor-in-chief 


ZO Years Ея 
А STEVEN RUSSELL deputy editor 
of Skoal TOM STAEBLER art director 
GARY COLE photography director 
Quality. LISA CINDOLO GRACE managing editor 
ROBERT LOVE editor al large 
STEPHEN RANDALL executive editor 


Now there are two great ways LEOPOLD FROEHLH 


to enjoy your Original Skoal EDITORIAL 
Fine | Cia Wintergreen — in the FEATURES: CHRISTOPHER NAPOLITANO editor; AJ. atu articles editor FORUM: cute ROWE 
senior editor; PATTY LAMBERTI assistant editor MODERN LIVING: JASON BUHRMESTER associate 


assistant managing editor 


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7 CARTOONS: MICHELLE URRY editor; JENNIFER THIELE assistant COPY: WINIFRED ORMOND сору chief: 


Both offer 70 years of Skoal's STEVE CORDON associate сору chief; CAMILLE CAUTI Senior copy editor; PETER BORTEN, ANTOINE 002015, 
ALLISON XANTHA MILLER copy editors RESEARCH: DAVID COHEN research director; BRENDAN BARR 
STER researchers; MARK DURAN 


premium quality in every pinch! 


senior researcher; DANIEL FISHER, RON MOTTA, DARON MURPHY. DAVID ; 
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editor; BONNIE SHELDEN manager; VALERY SOROKIN associate READER SERVICE: MIKEOSTROWSKI 
ORIGINAL ды 
ЕЯ correspondent CONTRIBUTING EDITORS: KEVIN BUCKLEY, JOSEPH DE ACETIS (FASHION), 


жест GRETCHEN EDGREN, LAWRENCE GRODEL. KEN GROSS, WARREN KALBACKER, ARTHUR КЕЕТСНМЕН. 


HEIDI PARKER west coast editor 


Om — 
ANHIVERSARY m 
Er! 
SCOTT ANDERSON, BRUCE HANSEN, CHET SUSKI, LEN WILLIS, ROB WILSON senior art directors; 


JOE MORGENSTERN, JAMES R. PETERSEN, DAVID RENSIN. DAVID SHEFF, JOHN D. THOMAS 


PAUL CHAN senior arl assistant; JOANNA METZGER art assistant, 
CORTEZ WELLS art services coordinator; МАЈКА LEE senior art administrator 


PHOTOGRAPHY 
TTY BEAUDET-FRANCES, 


MARILYN GRABOWSKI west coast editor; JIM LARSON managing editor; 
HANTE MORRIS senior editors; RENAY LARSON assistant editor; ARNY FREYTAG. 
GEORGE GEORGIOU staff photographer; 


KEVIN RUSTER, S 


STEPHEN WAYDA senior contributing photographers 
RICHARD лы, MIZUNO, BVRON NEWMAN, GEN NISHINO, POMPEO POSAR, DAVID RAMS contributing 
photographers; вил. wire studio manager—los angeles; BONNIE JEAN KENNY manager, 
photo library; KEVIN CRAIG manager, photo lab: MATT STEIGRIGEL photo researcher; 
PENNY EKKERT. MELISSA ELIAS production coordinalors 


DIANE SILBERSTELN publisher 


A PINCH = 
JEFF Комнен advertising director; non STERN new york manager NEW YORK: HELIN BıANCULLL direct 

BETTER: esponse advertising director; SUE JAFFE beauty manager; TATIANA VERENICIN fashion manager; 
е JOHN LUMPKIN southeast manager; LARRY MENKES senior account executive; MARIE FIRNENOAdwertising 


operations director; KARA SARISKY advertising coordinalor CHICAGO: Jot HOFFER midwest sales manager: 


WADE BAXTER senior account executive LOS ANGELES: DENISE SCHIPPER west СОП manager; COREY 
N FRANCISCO: JENNIFER SAND account execulive 


SPIEGEL senior account executive 


MARKETING 
Lisa NATALE associate publisher/marketing; SUE icor event marketing director; yu 
services director; DONNA TAVOSO creative services director 


ALIGHT marketing 


PRODUCTION 
MARIA MANDISdlireclor; зору JURGETO production manager: CINDY PONTARELLI, DEBBIE TILLOL 
associate managers: JOE CANE. CHAK KROWCZVK assistant managers; 

ILL BENWAY, SIMMIE WILLIAMS prepress 


CIRCULATION 


LARRY A. DJERF neusstand sales director; PHYLLIS ROVUNNO subscription circulation director 


ADMINISTRATIVE 
MARCIA TERRONES rights € permissions director 


OTrañemarí e! U.S. Smokeless Tobacco Co. or zu affiliate. PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES INTERNATIONAL, IN 
©2004 U. Smokalosa Toker: Co. накти HEFNER chairman, chief executive officer 


JAMES P RADTRE senior vice president and general manager 


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MAKING “FRIENDS” 221786 


Hef and his six girlfriends took a jet 

to New York City for a whirlwind 

media blitz and a gala party celebrat- 6 
ing PLAYBOY's 50th anniversary. (1) 

Hef and his platinum party posse boarding a 
Gulfstream V for the flight. (2) Cristal, Bridget 
and Holly at Radio City Music Hall. (3) The 
gang at Broadway's The Boy From Oz. (4) Back- 
stage with Hugh Jackman, who stopped the 
show to congratulate Hef. (5) Bridget and 
Holly ice-skating at Rockefeller Center. (6) 
The Bernaola twins in Playboy designer outfits 
with Playmate Nicole Wood at Henri Bendel. 
(7) Hefsigning copies of Playboy—50 Years: The 
Photographs for former New York Club Bun- 
nies. (8) Bendel's window display. (9) Having a 
bite to eat at Jekyll 8: Hyde. (10) Hef and 
Christie at an interview with Charlie Rose. (11) 
Hef and Matt Lauer on the Today show. (12) 
Christie and Hef ringing the bell at the New 
York Stock Exchange. (13) At Bungalow 8 with 
Robert Iler and 50th Anniversary Playmate 
Colleen Shannon. (14) Hef and the girls. (15) 
Victoria Silvstedt with the Man. 


PLAYBOY's 50th anniversary party at the New 
York State Armory was like a scene from a 
1930s MGM musical, including a giant cake 
with dancing Bunnies, Femlin cocktail wait- 
resses, VIP arcas inspired by the Big Bunny 
and, of course, a dance-floor grotto. (1) Hef 
toasting the crowd with Pam Anderson and 
Playmates. (2) Lara Flynn Boyle. (3) Steven 
Van Zandt, Christie's husband Billy Marovitz, 
Christie and Hef. (4) Shannon Stewart and Sex 
and the City's Jason Lewis. (5) Patricia Hearst 
and her husband Bernard Shaw. (6) Nicole 
Wood and Queer Eye's Carson Kressley. (7) 
PLAYBOY's artist-in-residence LeRoy Neiman. 
(8) John Rocker. (9) Ford models. (10) Donald 
Trump and Melania Knauss. (11) Dale Earn- 
hardt Jr. (12) Helen Gurley Brown, who cred- 
its Hef with helping her turn Cosmo into a 
women's version of PLAYBOY. (13) Irv Gotti and 
А Ja Rule. (14) Colleen Shannon. (15) Dr. Ruth 
with the Donald and Hef's girlfriends Zoe, 
Izabella and Sheila. (16) Playmate Jet Bunnies. 
(17) Ashanti and Pam, who came out of the 
cake singing "Happy Birthday" to Mr. Playboy. 


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ШО co a r 


P а 


PLAYMATE OF THE HALF CENTURY 
Not only is your 50th Anniversary 
Playmate, Colleen Shannon, gorgeous, 
she's also a DJ (January). I'd love noth- 
ing more than to be on the dance floor 
when she spins tunes. 
Kyle Tamminen 
Thunder Bay, Ontario 


Colleen got her great looks from her 
mother, Jane, who was Miss El Dorado 
County, California in 1960. Jane was 
the only girl I dated in high school, and 
we've kept in touch all these years. With 
a mother like Jane and an opportunity 


Colleen Shannon spins heods—ond tunes 


like being the 50th Anniversary Play- 
mate, Colleen has a fantastic futu! 
Loyd McCullar 
Houston, Texas 


MAILER ON BUSH 
Norman Mailer (Immodest Proposals, 
January) has the guts and the wisdom 
to express what so many of us feel. 
Bush has wrecked our lives. Norman, 
will you run for president? 
‘Joe White 
New York, New York 


CENTERFOLD EXTRAORDINAIRE 
Гус never forgotten ту 


Cathy St. George. Secing her in that 
gold frilly top, holding a paintbrush 
brought back such fond memories. 


Your centerfold of covers and Play- 
mates (January) reminded me of where 
Гуе been every month since 1960. 1 


started reading PLAYBOY when I found 
the gardener's stash at the officer's 
club on Williams Air Force Base in Ari- 
zona. Since then 1 have read PLAYBOY 
and its great authors wherever Гус 
been stationed across the globe. 

Jim Goddard 

"Tampa, Florida 


Looking at your Playmates was bit- 
tersweet. I was born in March 1955, 
the only month in which PLAYBOY 
didn’t publish an issue. To make up for 
it, you should consider having two 
Playmates in an upcoming issue. It 
would make a lot of March 1955 fellas 
besides me quite happy. 

Peter Kernast 
Trenton, New Jersey 


STATISTICS 101 
You provide us with Playmates who 
are record holders in such categories as 
tallest and shortest (Raw Data, January). 
But many winners posed prior to 1977, 
which is the year you actually began 
publishing Playmate Data Sheets. How 
did you find out this information? 
Greg Johnson 
Rockford, Illinois 
Playmates always filled out Data Sheets. 
A few years ago, one editor spent a weekend 
locked in our photo library, where we pre- 
serve Data Sheets for future historians. (We 
had to send security lo gel him out.) He 
compiled the Playmate data, which you can 
find online in our Cyber Club. 


You state that only eight men have 
appeared on your cover. I hope the 
Rabbit has fired his agent for not being 
included in this statistic. 

Bert Maynard 
Cobourg, Ontario 

Our Rabbit wears a smoking jacket and 
sips a martini, but the women will still tell 
‘you he's an animal. 


PARTY PALACE 
Hef's original concept of a bachelor 
pad was swank in execution yet boyish 
in detail and struck a fantasy chord with 
men everywhere (The New Playboy Bach- 
elor Pad, January). The idea is to create a 
space where a woman might want to go 
beyond her traditional boundaries. So 
tell me, how's a guy supposed to get laid 
on a corrugated-cardboard couch? 
Joby Grow 
Coatesville, Pennsylvania 
Sexiness is in the eye of the beholder. The 
couch is quite comfortable. 


JUST JACK 
I loved the Jack Nicholson interview 
January). Because he is one of the 


y b 


world's greatest actors, he was the per- 
fect interview subject for your 50th an- 
niversary issue 


о y 


Robert Knight 
Los Angeles, California 


RATED XXX 
In your directors’ fantasy portfolio, 
Kevin Smith gives us the image we 
have been waiting for since Superman 
and Lois Lane's saga began (Lights, 
Camera, Fantasy, January). Including 
his extraordinarily beautiful wife in 
the shoot shows he's a talented artist 
and one hell of a lucky gentleman. 
Jim Watters 
Toronto, Ontario 


In his re-creation of Scarface, Brew 
Ratner makes the model look like 
Michelle Pfeiffer. [5 she Miss February 
2001, Lauren Michelle Hill, in a wi 

Guy Blake 
Kingston, New York 

You have quite an eye for a guy, Guy 

That is indeed Lauren Michelle Hill. 


HUNTER AIMS AND FIRES 

My generation doesn't seem to have 
the spunk that Hunter 5. Thompson's 
had (Fear and Justice in the Kingdom of 
Sex, January). The optimism and ac- 
tivism of the 1960s were finished off by 
the 30th anniversary of the Woodstock 
festival, starting with brazen corporate 
sponsorship and ending with arson and 
rape. What can you expect from a gen- 


cration raised under Reagan and Bush? 
Мете a group that worships rock stars 
who, instead of trying to change the 
world, try to sell us soda and sneakers. 
Our parents did acid and smoked weed 
to expand their minds and then fed us 
Ritalin and MTV to dull ours. 
Brandon Has 
Los Angele: 


Don't worry, Hunter. Liberalism isn't 


SURGEON GENERAL'S 
WARNING: Cigarette Smoke 
Contains Carbon Monoxide. 


dead. You've helped kee 
don't say Bush is like Nixon. The Re- 
publicanism of today isn't the boys’ 
club of yesterday. It's less stodgy and 
ultraconservati 


Kevin and Susan Harty 
East Haven, Connecticut 


HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO US 
PLAYBOY isn't allowed in Iraq, so my 
cat must have knocked your 50th an- 


Soldiers in Iraq go on R&R with PLAYBOY. 


niversary issue off the table and into the 
Christmas package I sent to my cousin, 
who is a serviceman there. It was one of 
the best gifts he and his unit received. 
Al Ochsner 
Geneva, Illinois 


Our sincere thanks for 50 years of 
beautiful women, funny cartoons, great 
fiction, provocative editorials and 
insightful interviews. 

Callahan family 
Kansas City, Kansas 


I picked up PLAYBOY'S sixth anniver- 
sary issue in 1959. In it, Hef'states that 
he didn't know how long the magazine 
would last. On your 25th anniversary, 
I sent him a note saying, “The fact that 
you are reading thi 
success." Im still a subscri 

Raul daSilva 
Hamden, Connecticut 


Asa young girl I saw my dad's copies 
of rravbov. The women in your maga- 
ine have always been an inspiration to. 
me. During my senior year of high 
school my best friend and I dressed up 
as Playboy Bunnies and won a contest. 
PLAYBOY taught me that sensuality is 
more than skin deep, and this lesson 
has helped me stay happily married. 
Chris Holmes 
Harlan, Indiana 


I'm a gay man, and my friends are 
always surprised to sec your magazine 
on my coffee table. As a teenager 1 
came across PLAYBOYs that were half 
buried under some leaves near my 
house. I spent hours reading them 


because then, as now, PLAYBOY sup- 
who provided 
insight into politics, culture, music and 
the mystique of women 

- Todd Settle 
Seattle, Washington 


Your 50th anniversary issue was one 
of the best. I'm a good judge, because 
I'm one of the 1,452 lifetime sub- 
seribers and have been since 1963 
PLAYBOY is among my best investments. 

Dr. Ernst Fasan 
Neunkirchen, Austria 


REVOLUTIONARY GADGETS 
I think you made an error in 50 
Products That Changed the World (Janu- 
ary). You show a photo of the Pontiac 
GTO from 1965, not 1964. It doesn't 
really matter, though, because both 
years’ models are hot cars. 
George Matula 
Fort Lauderdale, Florida 
We have punished the photo researcher 
responsible for this error by making him wax 
all our Hyundais 


You say that Pop-Tarts were the first. 
toaster-ready anything. What about 
frozen waffles? 

Mare Levine 
Asheville, North Carolina 
You gol us: Frozen waffles did come first. 


CELEBRITY PICTORIALS 
The fact that such women as Farrah 
Fawcett, Nancy Sinatra, Carmen Electra 


Nominated for best celebrity pictorial, 


and Belinda Carlisle have posed for 
you (Golden Memories, January) speaks 
well of PLAYBOY'S reputation as a class- 
act magazine. 


Mike Cosentino 
Chicago, Illinois 


I'm 28, and it's great to see some of 
the fine celebrity pictorials I missed, 
such as Joan Collins and Bo Derek. 

Eric Arledge 
Saint Simons Istand, Georgia 


E-mail: DEARPBGPLAYBOY.COM Or write: 730 FIFTH AVENUE, NEW YORK, NEW YORK 10019 


Newport. Newport Medium, Newport (package design), Newport Lights Menthol Box (riackage design). 
Newport Pleasure and Newport Spinnaker TM Lorilard Licensing Company LLC Reg. US Pat 8 Tm Oil 


Lights Box. 9 mg. “tat,” 0.7 mg. nicotine; Medium Box: НЕ mg. “tar,” 1.4 та 
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PLAYBOY. RABBIT HEAD OESIGN AND JAZZ FESTIVAL LOGO are trademarks of Playboy and are used with permission. 


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Q 


babe of the month 


Allison 
Dunbar 


Another reason the new 
Sopranos was worth the wait 


ada-bing indeed. The Sopranos 

has always found fresh lookers 
for Tony's wandering eye, and in sev- 
eral new episodes Allison Dunbar 
handles that chore as the wife of a 
Miami crime boss. “It's the whole 
mob life," Allison says. "White 
pumps, lots of hair. She's classic." 
She's also a far cry from the actress 
herself, who grew up in mobster-light 
Delaware. “When І got the audition I 
thought, Oh god, what do I do? | ran 
over to my friend's house in New Jer- 
sey. She whipped out gold necklaces 


"| pulled into a gas sta- 
tion and heard catcalls 
and ‘How much, honey?" 


and a leopard-print bra, and I made 
my hair really big. And it worked." 
Getting into character can lead to 
awkward moments, however, espe- 
cially if you played a porn star on 
Comedy Central's Strip Mall. "For 
that audition | hemmed up a dress to 
about eight inches. When I pulled 
into a gas station | was hearing cat- 
calls and ‘How much, honey?'" Obvi- 
ously those wolves didn’t know that 
Allison is married to Boston Bruins 
defenseman Sean O'Donnell, who 
made one recent 

rable, “We were in a store,” Allison 
says, “and they had decks of cards 
with pictures of naked guys. So at 
the hotel at two a.m., we slipped one 
under each suite door. That's when I 
realized I'm with the right guy.” 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY SCOTT SCHAFER 


NG 


<q 


Hell hath no fury like the family. 


afterhours ] 


...you're sucked in by 
the Masters (April 5 to 
11). Drama at Amen 
Corner. Jim Nantz bab- 
bling feel-good homilies 
as the cameras ogle a 
Swedish ex-nanny. And 
then pomp galore at 
twilight, when a grown 
man named Hootie 
swaddles the victor in a 
hideous green jacket. 


...you're free at last, free at last! For the 
average wage-earning American, April 16 is 
Tax Freedom Day, when your year-to-date 
2004 income finally surpasses what you'll 
fork over to Uncle Sam come tax day 2005. 
Good thing you haven't spent any of it yet. 


...though you generally 
avoid poisonous reptiles, 
you might jump into the 
pit at the Rattlesnake 
Derby in Mangum, Okla- 
homa (April 23 to 25). 
The fang festival cele- 
brates pros (not you) 
who haul in truckloads 
of live rattlers, as well as 
amateurs (you) foolish 
enough to chase any- 
thing with a twitchy tail. 


...you won't be winning the Pulitzer Prize— 
again. These things have a way of sneaking 
up. Your entry was due in February, the short 
list came out in March, and you'd be big news 
now if you'd won. There's always the Nobel — 
hope you did the paperwork in January. 


...you're awed by nature's fury. April racks up 
more tornado deaths than any other month. 
You're most likely to play twister if you live in 
Tornado Alley, a flat swath that blankets 
Nebraska, Kansas, Oklahoma and northern 
Texas. Time to ditch the trailer park, Toto. 


DUB THROAT 
DIRTY TALK GETS COMPETITIVE WITH PORNO KARAOKE 


Amplified moans, squeals and who's-your-daddys spill from the 
basement at New York City's Remote Lounge. Is this a cocktail bar or 
a way-off-Broadway production of Caligula? Both—it's the 
weekly Porno Karaoke party, and it's the hottest German export this 
side of Heidi Klum. Contestants, in pairs or threesomes, take turns on 
a small stage in front of a screen. As a soundless clip from a 
decidedly unsoft masterpiece of adult cinema plays, the team does 
its best to provide fresh dialogue and primal screams—anything to 
make the crowd laugh. Whether it's a female contestant's response to 
a delivery boy's package (“Is that all you got?") or a guy's reaction 
when confronted with vintage-porn bush (“I wish I'd brought a 
hedge clipper"), most amateurs reveal a surprising command of 
porn conventions. "Once it starts, everyone either stares and laughs 
hysterically or silently peeks through their fingers," says bartender 
Leyna N'Vietson. The karaoke is totally improvised—dubbers don't 
know what scene they'll get until they take the stage. "1 like to mix the 
old and пем,” says Abby Ehmann, who took over as event promoter 
in January. "ГИ go from The Devil in Miss Jones to American Bukkake 
21.” The crowd picks the winners. The key is how many people 
crave a cigarette alter a girl's Meg Ryan-style orgasm. Because even 
if the performance is fake, it's still ad-libbed for your pleasure. 


bar cod 
FIREWATER 


EXTINGUISH YOUR THIRST, 
SPEAKEASY STYLE 


During prohibition, cocktail makers 
went to great lengths to disguise tools 
of their trade. One popular shaker was 
modeled after a fire extinguisher, often 
placed in speakeasy windows to tip off 
tipplers. The fire extinguisher cocktail 
shaker from Authentic Models honors 
such innovation. In case of emergency 
(or not), load with ice and hooch, then 
pour out the nozzle. Alarmingly good. 


25 


[afterhours 


SLEEPING BEAUTIES 


WHAT CAN HER SLUMBER STYLE TELL YOU? OUR SLEEP EXPERT ASSUMES THE POSITIONS 
There she lies, the lucky lass with whom you've just shared a first night of passion. She's sound asleep, but she’s far from a closed book. 


THE FETUS (41%) 


Odds are she was a tad 
tame—this time. "A 
fetal is shy and takes a 
while to open up," says 
= Idzikowski. "But she is 

] likely to be much more 
exploratory and innova- 
tive as the relationship 
proceeds.” So keep the 
whip and the trapeze 
under your mattress until 
later—if there is a later. 
Turns out these shy 
fetals can also be “the 
most demanding group.” 


THE SOLDIER (8%) 


Wherever you found her, it 
wasn't in a bar. “Soldiers 
‚don't like noisy environ- 
ments. You're talking 
about countryside ram- 
blers here." Think twice. 
before making a soldier 

= your girlfriend: “They 
have high standards, so 
> she could be quite tough 
in terms of what she 
demands of herself and. 
a partner.” Hey, maybe 
she'll make us drop and 
give her some push-ups. 


According to Brit psychologist Chris Idzikowski, there are six basic sleeping positions, and your mate's sprawl can say a lot about her personality. 


THE LOG (15%) 


A good time was had by 
all. "She's easygoing, 
social and extremely 
trusting, so odds are 
good she'll have sexon 
the first date. She can be 
abstract in her thinking, 
so the potential for sexu- 
al innovation is much 
greater with her than 

* with women from the. 
other groups. However, 
thatalso means she can 
fake things pretty well, 
too." We'll take that risk. 


THEFREE-FALLER (1%) 


We hope you like sleeping 
* on eggshells, "You have to 
„ be careful what you say 
to a free-faller or you're 

= going to hurt her. They're. 
quite sensitive.” The good 
news is that she won't. 
wake up expecting to be 
your girlfriend. “Because 
she's the most likely to 
be hurt, a free-faller is 
also the most likely to 
want to break away 
rather than hang on.” 
See you next fall, doll. 


THE YEARNER (13%) 


It wasn't your debonair 
manner —if you bedded 
a yearner it's because 
there was something in it 
for her. “They're suspi- 
cious, so she's not likely 
to believe pickup lines. 
But because yearners 
are also the most ratio- 
nal, if the benefits of any 
$ particular options are 
explained, and they're 
reasonable, then she 
тау come around.” Yes, 
he's talking about sex. 


THE STARFISH (5%) 


You had a need, and she 
was there for you. ^A 
starfish is a social 
empath. She's ready to 
help, and she can be 
quite accommodating 
sexually. She's most likely 
to go for a one-night 
stand, especially when 
someone is desperate.” 
{| What could be better 
than scoring a starfish? 
Scoring two of them. 
"She's alsothe most 
likely to be bisexual." 


SPIN CITY 
FOR NASCAR FANS, MOORESVILLE IS THE ULTIMATE PIT STOP 


Movie lovers make their pilgrimage to 
Hollywood. Elvis fans have Graceland. 
But where can a Nascar junkie go to 
kneel before Dale Earnhardt's black 
number three Chevy? Try Mooresville, 
North Carolina, also known as Race City 
USA. The motorhead mecca has a popu- 
lation of just 19,000 but is home to 50 
Nascar teams as well as the palatial 
Garage Mahal, headquarters of Dale 
Earnhardt Inc. Mooresville's streets have 
names (Performance Road, Speedway 
Drive) that beg you to break the speed 
limit. The walls of local businesses are 
festooned with dented fenders, signed 


26 


photos and racing, um, art. Big Daddy's - _ 


Restaurant sports four stock cars on its 
roof, and the local college is the Nascar 
Technical Institute (courses include 
ADTNI42: Chassis Applications and 
ADTCI07: Brakes). "People wa 
where the cars are built,” says Trisha 
Fuller, who runs Race Shop Tours. “5 

we do 23 teams in a seven-hour tour.” 
Fans mingle with pit crews and drivers at 
the shops—and on the streets. "I bump 
into Michael Waltrip and Jeff Gordon 
all the time," says Fuller. “And I see Jim- 
my Spencer at Home Depot" Cutting 
her off at the register, no doubt. 


INGS FRO! 
MOORES 


Race Ċit 


AAA 
—Maxim.com 


“Best Action Game” 
— Spike TV Video Game Awards 


"9/0" 
—I6N.com 


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28 


[ afterhours 


FORBIDDEN INVENTIONS 


FROM THE BANNED TO THE ILLEGAL, FIVE NEW 
а YOU'VE JUST СОТ ТО HAVE— BUT CAN'T YET 


Knee Defender: Maddened by coach- 

dass crunch, six-foot-three D.C. lawyer Ira 
Goldman developed a pair of wedges that 
prevents the seat of the jackass passenger 
in front of you from redining. Northwest, 
Delta and Virgin Atlantic have banned the 
device. Other airlines suggest that passen- 
gers resolve their spatial conflicts by talk- 
ing. Yeah, right. (kneedefender.com) 


Photoblocker: Got the need to speed, Bandit? This spray for your 
license plate appears clear to human eyes but reflects light from 
flashbulbs with a vengeance—speed-trap cameras may get a great 
shot of your car, but the license plate will show up as a white 
smudge. Of course, defacing plates is a no-no, and officials say us- 
ing Photoblocker counts as defacement. (phantomplate.com) 


Cell phone jammers: When President 
Bush visited London, Secret Service agents 
allegedly packed jammers—which can cre- 
ate a no-call bubble for up to 40 feet—to 
stop terrorists from detonating bombs re- 
motely. Better uses include preventing mo- 
bile yappers from ruining your romantic 
dinner at Red Lobster. Illegal? In the U.S., 
but not in the U.K. (globalgadgetuk.com) 


inator: If you have to take a drug test and your 
toxic for the cranberry juice cure, you can try this strap-on dong 
that dispenses warm, untainted urine into the vial of your choice 
(good for prisoners, whose tests may require a witness). The 
equipment may not be illegal, but most states have policies against 
fraudulent drug tests. (thewhizzinator.com) 


Mobile infrared transmitters: Some am- 
bulances, police cruisers and fire engines 
carry MIRTs—gizmos that can flip stop- 
lights from red to green at a distance of 
1,500 feet—to race through intersections. 
Prove you're a cop or mortician and you 
too can own one. But you're not supposed 
to—many states are working on MIRT- 
regulating legislation. (themirt.com) 


WE WILL SHOCK YOU! 


Put away the "We're #1" foam fingers—odds 
are your team isn't number one. Instead, use 
the Big Shocker to warn opponents they'll be 
getting more than they bargained for. It's 
cheekily modeled after a popular (and fun!) sex 
trick in which you stimulate your girl's front 
bits with your index and middle fingers while 
your pinkie surreptitiously fiddles at her rear. 
Whether you hear her shrieks of surprise or the 
roar of the crowd, the proof's in the probing: 
Nothing beats a come-from-behind win. 


employee of the month 


EASY DOZE IT 


OHIO EXCAVATOR BECKY SEABECK 
MAKES THE EARTH MOVE 


PLAYBOY: Tell us about 
your job. 

BECKY: I'm an office ad- 
ministrator for an Ohio 
excavating company. | 
spend about half my time 
in the office. The other 
half I'm at the sites, get- 
ting parts for the bulldoz- 
ers, picking up permits or 
dropping off blueprints. 
PLAYBOY: Do the guys 
at the sites whistle? 
BECKY: They tease me 
about my G-string sticking out of my jeans. | think 
they like it, though. 

PLAYBOY: What's your favorite machinery? 

BECKY: Definitely the bulldozer, because it weighs 
the most—42,000 pounds. There's something about 
а big piece of equipment that turns me on, | guess. 
PLAYBOY: Ever act on that? 


BECKY: The guys say they know how to handle heavy 
equipment. But I can handle it better. 


PLAYBOY: Is that a double entendre? 
BECKY: I've gotten dirty on bulldozers once or twice. 


Employee of the Month candidates: Send pictures to ruv Photography Depart 
ment. Attn: Employee of the Month, 680 North Lake Store Drive, Chicago, Ilinois 
60611. Must be at least 18 years old. Must send photocopies of a driver's license 
ard another valid ID (not a credit card), one of which must include a current photo. 


=) 


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Foreign Legions 


Nearly 11% of illegal immigrants 


alien encounters in 2002. 


Hot Wheels 


According to an 
Institute for 
Highway 
Safety sur- 
vey, the most 
stolen car is 
the Cadillac 


Market Penetration Bottom 


The U.S. pornographic film industry releases Feeders 


211 new hard-core titles each week—one 
every 48 minutes. $49 500 
, = 


Е Price paid atan auc- TZ 
Ozone Diet tion for a dinner menu 
A gas-powered Weedwacker produces about from the Titanic, be- 
as much ozone pollution as a car traveling lieved to have been 
70 mph. A chain saw produces as much left at the dock by the 
as a car going 200 mph. ship's second officer. 


Grim Reapers 

According to a Forbes.com list, the dead celebrities who 

earned de most money in 2003: $2 2 $3 2 $40 
$16 $16 $19 million on 


million million 


em 
Tolkien 


Least Valuable Currency 


Principal units of foreign currency worth the least American 
dough (as a point of comparison, the Kuwaiti dinar is the 
most valuable denomination, snagging a cool $3.33 per 
U.S. dollar at the end of 2003): 


210. Vietnamese dong 145,326 U.S. dollar 
211. Mozambique metical Y23,678 U.S. dollar 
212. Ecuadorean sucre 25,000 U.S. dollar 
213. Romanian leu 143.055 U.S. dollar 
214. Turkish lira 11,225,590 U.S. dollar 


apprehended crossing the Laredo, Texas 
border in 2003 were not Mexicans— 
twice the percentage of non-Mexican 


Escalade, with 10 theft claims filed for 
every 1, cars. 


million 


Gs 
Presley 


Frying Nemo 
22 lbs. 4 oz.—Weight of the 
largest bass caught on record, 
way back in 1932. Today the 
Big Bass Record Club offers a 
bounty of $8 million to the 
fisherman who breaks the 
record. 


Bridget 
Jones, Liar 


0 of 
British 
4 0 women admit 
to lying: 


55% have lied to flatter their 
man, 50% fake orgasms, and 
17% have cheated on their 
long-term partner. And if that. 
weren't enough of a kick in 
the knickers, 53% wouldn't 
tell their partner that a baby 
from an affair wasn't his. 


Johnny Wad 


The average man carries with 
him $145; the average 
woman about half as much. 


Afghani Stash 


Net worth cf opium exported by 
Afghanistan in 2002: 

$1.2 billion 

Approximate amount of interna- 
tional aid received by Afghanistan 
in 2002: 

$1.2 billion 

‚Afghanistan supplies more than 
75% of the world’s opium and 
gets more than half its gross 
domestic product from its sale. 


31 


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[ THE LADYKILLERS ] 


Тот Hanks and the Coen brothers try to 
kill a senior citizen—for laughs 


Mississippi was the setting of the Coen brothers’ biggest 
movie, O Brother, Where Art Thou?, so it's not too surpris- 
ing that the auteurs returned to its fertile soil for their 
remake of The Ladykillers, the 1955 British comedy about 
а gang's attempts to snuff their snoopy landlady while plot- 
ting a heist. What is a shock is seeing Hanks, as the gang's 
leader, costumed like Colonel Sanders and drawlıng 
through buck teeth. “Well, Hanks isn’t speaking to us any- 
more,” says Joel Coen. “Actually, though he’s probably the 
biggest star we've ever worked with, it felt comfortable and 
comparable to people we've worked with for years.” If you 
don't think the Coens would 

delve into the details of a chore- “ 

ographed caper, you're right. “Well, Hanks 

“In the original, the crooks held ISN t speaking 

up an armored car, but that B 
happened in five minutes,” says to us anymore, 
Ethan Coen, "and in ours they Says Joel. 

hold up a casino, but that's not 

dwelled on either.” Which leaves room for Coen-esque 
touches such as a gospel choirmaster with a James Brown 
do and an Asian criminal mastermind known as the Gener- 
al. So with a trouble-free production and megastar Hanks, 
are the Coens counting on an O Brother-style hit? Dead- 
pans Joel, "Nope, I've never felt that." Hmm, maybe Hanks 
should plot the publicity, too. (March 26) —Stephen Rebello 


early. Foulmouthed filmmaker Kevin Smith's stab at “family 
friendly” has Affleck doing the single-parent thing with their 
daughter, a tyke obsessed with the musical Sweeney Todd. 


Our call: Ever wondered what 
Chasing Amy crossed with Love 
Story might be like? Neither 
have we. But just as in real life, 
we can be persuaded to go to 
Jersey for a laugh. 


Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed 

(Sarah Michelle Gellar, Matthew Lillard, Freddie Prinze Jr.) 
The second flick based on the Saturday-morning cartoon sends 
those real live meddlesome kids—and their pixelated pooch— 
оп a mission to unmask the baddie who's letting every crea- 
ture they've ever faced run rampant. 


for an equally uninspired sequel. 
| 


Our call: You want mysterious? 
How about the first movie be- 
coming a smash? No one loved 
it, though, so we're predicting a 
Charlie's Angels-style letdown 


Hellboy 

(Ron Perlman, Selma Blair, Doug Јо john Hurt) Not a 
Michael Jackson bio but a big-screen spin on the cult graphic 
novel, which teams three freaks—a do-gooder spawn of Satan 
(Perlman, under thick red latex), a fire starter (Blair) and a 
mysterious amphibian (Jones) —to combat an evil genius. 


Our call: Blade И director 
Guillermo del Toro's dream proj- 
ect promises geek nirvana, so 
there will be hell to pay if this is 
more League of Extraordinary 
Gentlemen than X-Men. 


Walking Tall 

(Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson, Johnny Knoxville, Ashley Scott) 
"Inspired" by the tale of lawman Buford Pusser—already 
chronicled in 1970s drive-in classics—this remake features an 
ex-soldier who decides to clean up his drug-and-hooker-infested 
hometown. Eyebrow arching and bone crunching ensue. 


Our call: Walk, don't run. The 
original was High Noon for red- 
neck vigilantes and gritty good 
fun for all. But with this flick's 
coat of high gloss, expect less 
big stick, more big shtick. 


34 


reviews [ movies 


[ ZOMBIE 101] 


Five simple rules for dealing with the reanimated dead 


Given the resurrection of the zombie 
genre, including the new Dawn of the 
Dead remake, it's high time to review 
lessons learned from movies starring 
the not quite deceased. 

1. АМ FOR THE HEAD Don't waste 
ammo blowing off zombie limbs—it 
only pisses them off. But as the farm 
house inhabitants in Night of the Liv- 
ing Dead (1968) figure out, a bullet 
between the eyes forcefully reminds 
the walking dead that the whole walk- 
ing thing is inappropriate. Extra credit: 
If you have a flamethrower handy, total 
immolation does the trick too. 

2. IF YOUR BEST FRIEND GETS 
BITTEN—WASTE HIM! Sure, your 
buddy covered for you that time at the 
office. But if you think he's going to be 
sentimental after he joins the ranks of 
the living dead, you, like the mall shop- 
pers in the original Dawn of the Dead 
(1978), are not paying attention. Extra 
credit: Recently turned zombies pos- 
sess better motor skills, so it's easier 
for them to get the jump on you. 

3. STICK TO OPEN GROUND When 
graveyards start spilling their inhabi- 
tants, your first instinct is to bolt the 
doors and turn on SportsCenter. Once 
one zombie climbs your porch, how- 
ever, like Jehovah's Witnesses, more 
and more keep coming. They're dead— 
they've got nothing better to do. Extra 


credit: The undead don't drive, so the 
getaway taxi in 28 Days Later (2003) 
was a swell idea. But we recommend 
а zombie-squashing SUV. 

4. USE YOUR BRAIN BEFORE 
THEY DO Dying gives even former 
Mensa members a serious IQ down- 


grade. Zombie vocabulary is limited to 
plaintive grunts, and the undead are so 
preoccupied with gnawing human flesh 
that a preschooler could mind-fuck 
them. Extra credit: Zombie see, zom 
bie can't do. Dozens watch the com- 
mandos in Resident Evil (2002) climb 
to safety on ceiling pipes but can't fig- 
ure out how the heck they do it. 


5. DON'T BE TEMPTED BY THE 
HOT ZOMBIE CHICK Even if you sus- 
pect that a zombette has postmortem 
potential, resist the urge. Witness the 
guy who resurrects his girlfriend in 
Return of the Living Dead 3 (1993), 
leading to this romantic interlude: 
“Julie, are you eating him? You should 
stop it. | liked you when you were...the 
way you were before." Extra credit: 
The hungry stare? The licking of the 
lips? She only wants you for your brain. 


Î Twentynine Palms 

Few movies have better 
captured the intensity of 
a whacked-out relation- 
ship. A photographer and 
his girlfriend (Russian 
babe Katia Golubeva) 
motor around the desert, 
fighting and fucking, and 
then fighting and fucking 
some more, until fate 
knocks them on their ass- 
es. You may wonder what 
it all means, but you've 
never seen anything quite 
like it. —Andrew Johnston 


THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT Can Ashton 
Kutcher cut it as a dramatic actor? It's hard 
to judge from this film about a guy who time- 
travels to fix things that went wrong in his 
youth. It's too long, too self-serious...and too 
bad, because the premise is intriguing. YY 


Colin Farrell plays a 
street hood in this vivid, funny look at 
working-class Dubliners whose lives collide 
while they search for love, vent their anger 
and engage in crimes that can't pay. Colm 
Meaney and Shirley Henderson star. ¥¥¥ 


MIRACLE Kurt Russell plays hockey coach 
Herb Brooks, who knew that to beat the 
USSR in the 1980 Olympics, America 
didn't need all-stars—it needed a team that 
breathed as one. Although the ending is no 
surprise, the film is irresistible. yyy 


Joan Allen and Sam Elliott 
play bohemians who Eve in the New Mexico 
boonies with their precocious daughter. All 
is calm until an IRS investigator turns up. 
Campbell Scott directs this deft adaptation 
of Joan Ackermann's play. yyy 


PRISONER OF PARADISE This docu- 
mentary traces the career of Kurt Gerron, a 
German director who wound up making a 
Nazi propaganda film inside a concentra- 
tion camp. This was an Oscar nominee last 
year, finally coming to theaters now. ¥¥¥// 


Paul Bettany plays a 
disgraced 14th century priest who hooks 
up with a troupe of actors. When they 
arrive at a town beset by a terrible crime, 
their play takes on added relevance. An 
uneven but intriguing period piece. УУХ 


SHAOLIN SOCCER Hong Kong filmmaker 
Stephen Chow headlines this action com- 
edy—a huge hit in the Far East—about a 
ragtag soccer team that soars once it 
adopts martial arts techniques. There's 
more flubber than kung fu in this likable, 
silly film. It may work best with a crowd. УУ 


Kate Bosworth (Blue Crush) plays a West 
Virginia girl who wins a date with a Holly- 
wood heartthrob, little realizing the effect 
on the hometown boy who has always been 
in love with her. An attractive cast bolsters 
this slight but cute comedy. УУХ 


Don't mi: 
Good show 


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36 


reviews [ dvds 


month 


[21 GRAMS ] 


Don't let the lightweight title fool you. This is heavy stuff 


Sean Penn, Naomi Watts and Benicio Del Toro act themselves to shreds in 21 Grams, 
portraying three people brought together by a tragic accident. It's harrowing, but it's 
a good harrowing. Del Toro, an ex-con turned born-again Christian, plows into and kills 
Watts's family, sending the reformed party girl spiraling back into cocaine abuse. It 
so happens that cardiac patient Penn gets her husband's donated heart—and a guilt 


complex to go with it—which 
sets more drama in motion. Di- 
rector Alejandro González Inär- 
ritu (Amores Perros) tells the 
story Memento-style, bounc- 
ing around in time as Penn 
seeks out his ticker's widow, 
beds her and goes gunning for 
Del Toro. If Memento's narra- 
tive device drove you nuts, 
this may not be your cup of 
tea, though it feels less gim- 
micky here. Extras: The title 
refers to the weight a human 
body reportedly loses passing 
from life to death; it could also 
describe the bonus material— 
a lone making-of feature. 
yyy —Gregory Р. Fagan 


THE MATRIX REVOLUTIONS (2003) We 
now know that the first Matrix movie was 
“the One” and its follow-ups merely watch- 
able but false prophets of a new sci-fi reli 
gion. In this final installment of the trilogy, 
all the theosophical mumbo jumbo and bal- 
letic bullet spraying come down to another 
knock-down-drag-out between Neo (Keanu 
Reeves) and Agent Smith (Hugo Weaving). 
Fans who expected more have a right to 
carp, but there are things here to recom- 
mend: massive CGI battles against tenta- 


cled droids, Carrie-Anne Moss in latex, 
even Jesus and the Wizard of Oz, sort of. 
Extras: Half a dozen featurettes demystify 
the effects, but the writer-director Wa 
chowski brothers 
must be saving 
their holy com- 
mentary—and 
ап explanation of 
the ending—for 
a special edition. 
yy —б.Е 


Just in case the recent transfor- 
mation of Charlize Theron into 
а hulking, splotchy serial killer 
in the critically acclaimed film 
Monster is a bit too convincing, 
we offer this reassuring flash- 
back. In the Pulp Fiction-ish 
crime tale 2 Days in the Valley 
(1996), a creamy, lithe Charlize 
is no less wicked and every bit 
the man killer as her assassin 
boyfriend, James Spader, spices 
up their foreplay with a game 
of snip the lingerie. So while 
we certainly congratulate Char- 
lize on her latest acting triumph, 
it's nice to know we'll always 
have the Valley. 


THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE 
(2003) Why remake the splatterific 1974 
classic, loosely based on real serial killer 
Ed Gein? Because just as teenagers in hor- 
ror flicks have never needed a reason to 
poke around in spooky old houses, young 
moviegoers don't require originality to 
seek out the latest slice-and-dice jolt. The 
retooled Leatherface carves up a high 
body count with his trusty implement, 
though star Jessica Biel's most persistent 
enemy seems to be the T-shirt-shrinking 
rain. Both thrills are surprisingly visceral. 
Extras: The basic version is bare-bones, 
but the collector's 
edition delivers 
deleted scenes, 
a Gein documen- 
tary and a met- 
al Leatherface 
plaque. ¥¥¥ 

—Robert В. DeSalvo 


THE CAT IN THE HAT (2003) You'd think 
critics were hotwired to Dr. Seuss's crypt 
the way they tore into this kicHit adaptation 
featuring Mike Myers as the titular tabby 
from hell who “helps” two kids trash the 
house while Mom is away. Yes, there's 
something positively un-Seussian about 
the hep cat pointing to a flaming toilet and 
joking, “That really burns my ass.” But if 
you're 10, or if you're chaperoning a room- 
ful of 10-year-olds, the line kills. Maybe 
the frenetic pace and garish sets would've 
gone down easier without the even more 
garish merchandising blitz. Extras: This 
kitty is littered— 
the collection of 
featurettes, delet- 
ed scenes and 
outtakes runs 
longer than the 
82-minute flick. 
УУУ G.F. 


| he library 

THE PINK PANTHER COLLECTION 
You've been pink'd! The crime-fighting 
comedy of bumbling inspector Clouseau 
isn't for everyone, but if you admire the 
way Peter Sellers made slapstick seem 
sublimely sophisticated, you'll covet this 
deluxe set. The six 
discs contain five 
films, though it's 
felonious that they 
include Trail of the 
Pink Panther, a cut- 
and-paste job done jj 
after Sellers died, | 
and not Return of 
the Pink Panther. 
Nice bonus features 
make up for it, in- 
cluding six sly Pan- 
ther cartoons. 


reviews [ music 


cd of the month 


[ VINES + WINNING DAYS ] 


Are the garage rockers growing or just hanging around? 


ANDREUS + Street Troubadour 
Most neo-soul is neither neo nor soul, 
relying too much on the gentle sounds of 
Stevie Wonder and Donny Hathaway. 
Andreus has a great idea: Revive the 
socially conscious funk of Curtis May- 
field. Not brilliant commercially, per- 
haps—Andreus had to go to Europe to 
catch a break—but amid the wah-wah 
guitar and piano 
are songs of real 
talent. Some 
times even the 
derivative can 
show inspiration. 
(Lightyear) ¥¥¥ 
Leopold Froehlich 


ZERO 7 * When It Falls 

Go ahead—lump Zero 7 in with the host of 
young bands content to mimic Air's gentle 
keyboard sounds, slow head-bobbing 
beats and hushed atmospherics. Zero 7 
floats above the crowd. Although When It 
Falls offers the female-friendly, by-the- 
fireplace seductiveness of Sade, poten- 
tial cheesiness is offset with hip, cinematic 
downbeats remi- 

niscent of early 

Massive Attack 

or Morcheeba 

And that makes 

Zero a hero 

(Quango/Palm) 

ууу —Tim Mohr 


At the end of the Vines' first (and pos- 
sibly last) gig on the Late Show, front- 
man Craig Nicholls hurled his body into 
a drum kit and left David Letterman 
stammering, “Is he all right?” Like any- 
thing with the Vines, the spectacle was 
remarkable and contrived: a bit of The 
Kids Are Alright and a dash of Nirvana, 
delivered with no apologies. On their 
second album, the Australian garage 
rockers continue to pluck cues and 
chords from the playbooks of their 
heroes—and occasionally one-up them. 
"Rainfall" jangles like a hit from Oasis's 
better days, while “Animal Machine" 
screams Nirvana, from the slippery gui- 
tar riff to the bombastic chorus. But 
the group's versatility may be its own 
worst enemy: As Winning Days pow- 
ers on, we can't help wondering if this 
is a multitalented band or just a tribute 
to the past 10 years of alternative 
rock. (Capitol) МУ“ —Jason Buhrmester 


ALANIS MORISSETTE * So-Called Chaos 
It's been nearly a decade since Canada's 
then-mermaid-tressed chanteuse wailed in 
"You Oughta Know" about going down on 
her ex in a theater, and though she's still 
intent on questioning the world, these days 
she does it over whirling dance loops and 
midternpo guitars. Unfortunately, as she's 
mellowed she's lost her edge, culminating 
here in the sac 
charine love song 
“Knees of My 
Bees." Could we 
interest you in an- 
other movie date, 
Alanis? (Maverick) 
WW —Alison Prato 


GHOSTFACE KILLAH 

Pretty Toney 

While it seems that most of Wu-Tang Clan 
has gone underground, the Killah is hang- 
ing out cn a stoop and keeping the home 
fires burning. Vintage grooves from 
groups like the Delfonics and the Mo- 
ments provide tracks for trading rhymes 
with Missy Elliott and Trife. But the hard- 
core cuts prove 
that even when 
you take the man 
out of the Wu, 
you can't take 
the Wu out of the 
man. (Def Jam) 
ЊЕ —/В. 


phoning it in 


[ NAME OVER ] 


Solid proof that not all 
rock stars are cool 


Since the rest of this issue kisses music's 
big ass, we're taking a moment to rid- 
icule moronic band monikers. And you 
thought Limp Bizkit was bad. 

30 Odd Foot of Grunts—Russell Crowe 
should stick with what he does best: 
stinkin'-drunk bar brawling. 

Something Corporate—Lost “hip” use of 
irony after the band signed with а major 
label. May we suggest Something Better? 
Pretty Girls Make Graves—Note to 
aspiring musicians: A nonsensical name 
doesn't make you artsy and deep. 
Death Cab for Cutie—Still not artsy, still 
not deep. 


Crazy Town—ts that near Trying Too 
Hardville? 


Eve 6—Eves one to five were taken. 


Evanescence: A band or your mom's 
favorite feminine hygiene product? 


!H—Pronounced chik chik chik but 
leaves us wondering, What the fuck? 


Spoon—We can't wait for the triple bill 
with Knife and Fork. 


...Апа You Will Know Us by the Trail of 
Dead—Or just AYWKUBTTOD for short. 


0-Town—Do you really want to brag 
about being from Orlando? 


A.R.E. Weapons—Nobody C.A.R.E.S. 
about electroclash. 


Bowling for Soup—Must stem from a 
you-had-to-be-there moment (and we're 
glad we weren't) involving frat boys and 
keg stands. 

Disturbing Tha Peace—Too cool to look 
in tha dictionary. 

Goo Goo Dolls—So wrong we don't 
know where to begin—and don't get us 
started on the “music.” 

Atomic Kitten—Atomic Pussy's uncool 
sister. 


Hoobastank—Put down the bong. Now. 


50 Cent—His name's not horrible, but 
you know what is? White guys like Car- 
son Daly saying "Fiddy." 


37 


38 


reviews[ games 


game of the month 


[ DRIVER 3 ] 


Hang on—it's going to be a bumpy, bullet-riddled ride 


Want to jack cars, engage in high-speed chases and gun down foes, all with the long 


Ritchie's gangster flicks. Your inves- 


lead foot of the law on your side? Jump behind the wheel of Driver 3 (Atari, PS2, Xbox), 
the good guy to Grand Theft Auto's notorious bad boy. You'll go undercover as hero 
Tanner to take down a gang of car thieves in a deep story that seems inspired by Guy 


tigation jump-starts reckless car 
chases through more than 150 
miles of highways and city streets 
in detailed recreations of Miami, 
Nice and Istanbul. Slam into any of 
the 30,000 buildings and your car 
crumbles realistically. Once it's 
trashed, ditch the wreck and fire 
at criminals on foot before snag- 
ging another ride from a fleet of 
50 vehicles, from mopeds to 18- 
wheelers. Impressed with a par- 
ticular two-wheel turn or gut- 
dropping jump? A film-director 
function lets you create your own 
cinematic sequences. Just don't 
show them in your driver-safety 
course. жуу —Peter Suciu 


FIGHT NIGHT 2004 (EA Sports, PS2, 
Xbox) The pugilists in most boxing games 
handle like battleships: Two heavyweights 
park across from each other and trade 
blows. Fight Night adds a bit of bob and 
weave through a control system that 
allows you to swivel your fighter at the 
hips. The roster of 32 current and leg- 
endary boxers (including Muhammad Ali, 
Joe Frazier and 
Roy Jones Jr.) 
provides plenty 
of action. Now if 
they'd just add a 
“Punch Don King” 
mode. ууу 

Jason Buhrmester = 


RALLISPORT CHALLENGE 2 (Micro- 
soft, Xbox) Rally racing is like Nascar, ex- 
cept any yahoo with a souped-up Escort 
can hit the track. That reckless attitude 
translates perfectly into video game 
form. This must-have sequel includes 
more than 40 cars, 90 courses from 
Australia to the frozen North and, for the 
first time, online play. Amazing graphics 
provide plenty of 
scenery to chew 
up as you race 
over mountains, 
across deserts 
and through the 
mud. УУУУ 
—John Gaudiosi 


CY GIRLS (Konami, PS2) This double- 
your-covert-pleasure thriller boasts two 
hot spy heroines, each with her own 
unique adventure, in a curious dual-disc 
set. Weapons master Ice and ninja coun- 
terpart Aska flit between real and cyber 
worlds, employing spunky acrobatics and 
skintight outfits against enemies as they 
attempt to take down a futuristic evil syn- 
dicate. It's sort 
of like Charlie's 
Angels meets 
The Matrix—with 
all the derivative 
plot lines that 
implies. yy 

— Scott Steinberg 


UNREAL TOURNAMENT 2004 (Atari, 
PC) If Madden can do it, why not Unreal? 
The latest strategy for shooter games is 
to release a new version every year with 
minor updates. This one does offer some 
substantial additions—45 new maps, 
redesigned play modes and a variety of 
vehicles for land, space and air. Less 
memorable refinements include а mea- 
ger selection of 
bonus weapons 
and a slick new 
interface. Is it 
worth the 540? 
You bought Mad- 
den, didn’t you? 
YY) —5.5. 


sex pixels 
[ SIMS GET SEXY ] 


Virtual selves—now less virtuous! 


The original Sims game let you create 
a character and lead a virtual life, 
complete with PG-13 flirting. But what's 
a people simulator without folks getting 
their freak on? Here are five ways 

The Sims 2 is turning up the heat. 


MORE FOREPLAY: Woo potential con- 
quests with “serenades” or "tender 
kisses" before access- 
ing the Holy Grail of 
in-game options: the. 
"feel up" command. 


SKIN FLICKS: Look out, 
Paris Hilton, the Sims 
will be all the rage in 
amateur porn. Video- 
capture allows virtual 
lovers to create "home mov- 
ies" and distribute them on- 
line. Our masterpiece, Debbie 
Does the Sims, is coming soon. 


NUDE RAIDER: Exhibitionists 
can strip their Sims bare. 
Privates are blurred, but the 
experience can still be trau- 
matizing, because this time 
Sims know they're naked. 


NAUGHTY IS NICE: Every 
Sim has a match. New deviant 
actions such as trash talking 
and fighting ensure that bad 
boys and party girls will be 
drawn together. Count on see- 


ing sparks—and fists—fly. 


10-NIGHT STANDS: Sims 
now have memories, which 
means they'll be amenable to 
past lovers. Just remember: 
Former flings won't appreciate 
catching you mounting their 
roommate. —5.5. 


Toshiba VM4050 ($330) 
You won't use camcorder- 
equipped cell phones to 
film Lawrence of Arabia, 
but they're still handy for 
zapping 15-second video 
clips (with audio) to your 
friends to let them know 
what a wild time you're 
having in Cannes. The 
VM4050 includes a video 
light for dark clubs and a 
zoom for taking close-up 
stills of the action. Review 
your work on the 2.2-inch 
Screen—the biggest and 
brightest we've seen. 


WHERE AND HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 152 


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Г BLACK CREEK CROSSING * JOHN SAUL ] 


A haunted-house tale gets a bewitching twist 


Modern horror thrillers will probably never 
be included in university canons, but that 
doesn't mean а hairraiser isn't worth your 
time. Saul, who has been penning super- 
natural best-sellers in Stephen King's shad- 
ом since the 19705, sets his latest tale 
inside a horror staple—the haunted house. 
А God-fearing woman, her alcoholic hus- 
band and their obese teenage daughter, 
Angel, move into a home that was the site 
of a (cue spooky music) familial homicide. 
Angel has problems: She has visions of 
the previous tenants, her new classmates 
ostracize her, a voice inside her father's 
head encourages him to bed her, and God 
won't answer Mom's prayers. Fortunately 
Angel has two friends at her ample back- 
side—a black cat and Seth, another out- 
cast, whom everyone calls Beth. Just 
when you think you've read it all before in 
Carrie, Pet Sematary and The Shining, 
the plot bends toward something we'd title 
Revenge of the Witchcraft Nerds. Even 
professors like a good scare, don't they? 
(Ballantine) Y YY —Patty Lamberti 


RATS + Robert Sullivan 

Of all God's three-letter creations—dog, 
man, cat, ass, asp, ant—the most suc- 
cessful species has been the rat. As we 
learn in this vermin-fixated book, Rattus 
norvegicus destroys a third of the world's 
food each year. When rats aren't eating 
or sleeping, they're having sex: A domi 
nant (and lucky) male may mate with 
up to 20 females in six hours. Rats can 
crawl up pipes into a toilet bowl and 
gnaw their way through concrete. 


Sullivan's fascination with the species 
takes us from the back alleys of Manhat- 
tan to ее mecca of American 
rat control), and while 
his tendency to veer Е ^| тов 
between hard data and j 

personal musings is dis- 
concerting, he beguiles 

us with remarkable tales | 
about an inexhaust- 
ible topic. (Bloomsbury) 
¥¥# —Leopold Froehlich № 


HOW TO HAVE A XXX SEX LIFE: VIVID'S 
GUIDE TO PASSION AND PLEASURE 
They say to write what you know, so 
Vivid Video's most popular porn stars— 
Jenna Jameson, Sunrise Adams and a 
boudoir full of others—have penned this 
book on modern golf. Just kidding. In 
chapters such as “Knock on Wood,” “Lip 
Service” and “Shag Tag,” these purvey- 
ors of the “happiness business” dispense 
very firsthand advice about everything 
from money shots to making your own 
video (all while they plug Vivid products, of 
course). The self-styled , 

supermodels of porn also 
wax poetic on waxing: 
“The cleaner you are, 
the more desirable you 
are.” Will Paris Hilton be 
next on the how-to band- 
wagon? (ReganBooks) 
yy -Alison Prato 


RADIO ACTIVITY = Bill Fitzhugh 

Ever hummed along to your car radio out in 
the sticks and wondered what life is like for 
a small-town DJ? In Fitzhugh's satire- 
mystery, it's full of more intrigue than re 
quests for “Stairway to Heaven.” Itinerant 
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banish that Led Zep classic-rock staple at 
his new gig in Mississippi—until he be- 
comes interested in the disappearance of 
his predecessor, Captain Jack. The tape of 
an incriminating phone conversation sends 
Rick on an investigation of good о! boys, 
beauty queens, black 
mail and, eventually, a 
body in the woods. The 
plot is somewhat predict- 
able, but the sly depic- 
tion of seedy backwater 
shenanigans is worth a 
spin. (William Morrow) 
WA —Jessica Riddle 


SKIN SHOWS: THE TATTOO BIBLE 
Chris Wroblewski 

Every Tommy Lee and Harry has a tat 
these days, but it wasn't always so. Skin 
Shows employs 600 color images to trace 
the tattoo's Tahitian origins, its appropria- 
tion by drunken sailors and its eventual 
mainstream ubiquity with poseurs of all 
stripes. Wroblewski dedicates his opus 
to pioneers who 
will continue to 
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THE BOOB 
TUBE TEST 


Do you know your PBTV? 


What's the only decent excuse for 
being a couch potato? Watching exces- 
sive amounts of Playboy TV. Take our 
pop quiz and find out if you've been 
paying attention in class or need even 
more homework. 


1. What is the longest-running show in 
Playboy TV history? 

a. Night Calls 

b. World of Playboy 

c. Naughty Amateur Home Videos 


2. On Lex in the City, which rapper di- 
vulged, “I have a dirty mind. My music 
expresses my alter ego, not my day-to- 
day life. Growing up 1 really admired 
the player-pimp thing. Players like to 
chill with a lot of ladies. Pimps like to get 
the money. My thing was to keep some 
comedy in there and make it sexual.” 

a. Too Short 

b. Will Smith 

c. 50 Cent 


3. What is Ше reality show 7 Lives Xposed 
about? 

a. Seven strangers picked to work at a 
local nudist colony 

b. The debauched happenings of seven 
good-looking sexhibitionists who live 
together 

c. Hef and his six girlfriends 


4. Which is nol a real quote from Totally 
Busted star Steve-O? 
a. “Some pain, like butt piercing, is over 


—PIN THE HOST ON THE 


HOST ANSWERS: 1-С, 2-0, 3-Е, 4-A, 5-8 


and done with quickly. Pain 
is all apples and oranges, 
man. You can't prioritize it 
If it’s not painful, it's not 
footage. Everything hur 
b. "I have a roommate from 
hell. We paid a bum $17 to 
trim off his pubic hair so we 
could pack up a big bong hit 
full of it. We sprinkled weed 
on top. My roommate took 
three milky bong hits with 
bum hair.” 

c. "What should Siegfried 
have done to save Roy's 
life? Started making out 
with one of the other tigers 
to distract that ass tiger 
Montecore. Then Roy could 
have crawled away. Stupid 
Siegfried.” 


5. In addition to being an 
award-winning porn star, 
what might Playboy TV host 
Aurora Snow be found doing 
in her spare time? 

a. Managing her sex-toy 
shop 

b. Attending college 

c. Grooming show poodles 


6. Which topic was nof cov- 
ered on Sexcetera? 

a. Erotic fire dancing 

b. Barnyard bondage 

c. Vampire-sex role playing 


7. Which Playboy TV host has the 
biggest breasts? 


8. Which of the following did Will Ferrell 
sing to Weekend Flash news reporter Kitt 
Pomidoro? 

a. “I love myself; I want you to love me, 
Kitt. When I feel down, I want you above 
me. When I think about you, I touch my- 
self. 1 touch myself. I honestly do.” 

b. “Only for a moment and 
the moment's gone. You and 
me, Kitt, in a pool playing 
Marco Polo. All we are is dust 
in the wind.” 

c. “Kitt was a fast machine. 
She kept her motor clean 
She was the best damn wom- 
an that I've ever seen!" 


9. Which Naughty Amateur 
Home Videos theme show is 
not realz 

a. Balloon Popping 

лісо Disco Wrestling 

c. Midgets and Little People 


10. Which sexually provoca- 
tive host has been gracing 
the couch—and helping view- 
ers live out their wildest fan- 
tasies—on Night Calls since 


day one? 
a. ‘а Patrick 
b. Mar 


y Carey 
c. Juli Ashton 


QUIZ ANSWERS: 1-b, 2.0, 3-b, 4-c, 5-b, 6-1, 7-0, 8-b, 9-b, 10 


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44 


.layboy.com | 


STEAL THIS LYRIC 


Sampling—using the catchiest snippets 
of previously recorded material in new 
songs—is a tradition as old as, well, rap 
music. When the Sugarhill Gang's 
“Rapper's Delight," generally credited 
as the first hit hip-hop single, sampled 
Chic's "Good Times," the floodgates 
opened, and everyone started biting 
cveryone else's hook. For good or ill, 
Playboy.com has rated the most memo- 
rable samples. Read this excerpt, or go 
to Playboy.com for the entire piece, 
available for your sampling pleasure. 


Best Pimping Out of Underage Hos 


The song: "Hard Knock Life (Ghetto 
Anthem)" —Jay-Z 

The sample: “It’s the Hard-Knock Life" 
— йе original Broadway cast of Annie 
The story: Jay-Z has collaborated with 
everyone from Dr. Dre to Beyoncé, but 
perhaps his most lucrative partnership 
was with a bunch of white orphan girls 
"Hard Knock Life" placed him alongside 
the lovable moppets of Annie, rapping, 
“I flow for chicks wishin’ /They ain't have 
to strip to pay tuition,” while the kid- 
dies shrieked, “Stead of kisses, we get 


As the Beastie 
Boys say, “What 
goes around comes 
around.” Some 
advice: If these 
girls ask to sample 
| = yoursiuff, soy yes. . 
Immediately. 
er 
So 
kicked.” In interviews Jay-Hova ex- 
plained that he loves “anything where 
the underdog comes out from under 
and wins.” Then he declared his retire- 
ment for the 117th time. 
Creativity: YYYYY 


Coolest Use of а Sample That Was 
Соо! Enough to Begin With 


The song: “Ice Ice 
Baby" — Vanilla Ice 


young white thug with a high- 
top fade haircut did in 1990 
And for at least 15 weeks—the 
time the song spent in the Top 
40—we all bought it. Then news 
broke that the tales of Ice's gang- 
sta past had been cxaggerated, 
and suddenly it wasn't cool to 
plagiarize classic rock songs or 
use catchphrases such as “word 
to your mother." By the time he 
was rapping "Go, ninja, go" in 
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 11, all 
the Queen samples in the world 
weren't going to save him. 
Creativity: YY 


Most Reductive Sample 
(White Boy Division) 


The song: "Rhymin & Stealin" 
— Beastie Boys 

The sample: "When the Levee 
Breaks" —Led Zeppelin 

The story: Long before the 
megasuccess of Eminem, it wasn't 
so easy for white boys to be taken 
seriously in hip-hop, especially 
three Jewish jokesters from New 
York City. The Beastie Boys’ hit 
single “(You Gotta) Fight for 
Your Right (to Party!)" only 
hinted at what they were about 

it was this track from Licensed to 
Ш that had to make quick believ- 
ers out of the unconverted. So 
they turned to Led Zeppelin, a 
group of white guys who knew a 
thing or two about appropriat- 
ing from—without robbing—an art in- 
novated by black performers. With just 
a couple of John Bonham's thunderous 
drumbeats, the Beastie Boys told you 
everything you needed to know about 
them: They were hilarious, they were 
Caucasian, and they wanted everyone 
to join in their bash. 

Creativity: YYYY 


The sample: “Under 
Pressure” —Queen and 
David Bowie 

The story: Dun-dun-dun- 
dada-dun-dun. Dun-dun- 
dun-dada-dun-dun. 105 
one of the most recogniz- 
able bass lines i 
one that conju 
of shabby men shuffling 
in unemployment lines... 
and Freddie Mercury in 
chaps. It's a hook so fa- 
miliar that you'd have to 
be crazy—some would 
say a buffoon—to think 
you could construct an 
entirely new song from 
it. But that's what a 


HOW TO BE A ROCK STAR · 


Attention, Behind the Music 
subject wannabes: Playboy.cam 
is searching for America's best 
unsigned band. If you've got 
loads of talent and groupie 
dreoms, send your best song to 
Ployboy.com, where we'll be 
posting submissions from musi- 
cians from all over the country. 
After our music-savvy readers 
vote, the winning band will 
receive а bombastic prize pack- 
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and a label-showcase concert 
(Playmates nat included). Rock 
an, then log an to Playboy.com 
for all the details. 


Jamie Ireland is a 
freelance writer in 
the areas of sex, 
fitness, romance, 
and travel 


b 


Advertisement 


¡Hot Spot 


the inside story on 


Learning “The Ropes".. 


his month I got a letter from a 

reader in Texas about a "little 
secret" that has made her sex life 
with her husband absolutely explosive. 
(Those Texans know their stuff, let 
me tell you.) 


Tina writes: 


Dear Jamie, 
Last month my husband returned 
‚from а business trip in Europe, and he 
was hotter and hornier than ever before, 
with more passion than he has had for 
years. It was incredible. He flat wore. 
me out! And the best part of all—he 
was having multiple orgasms. I know 
what you're thinking... men don't 
have multiples, but trust me he was, 
and his newfound pow! pow! power! 
stimulated me into the most intense 
orgasms I've ever had. So, before we 
knew it, we were both basking in the 
glow of the best sex of our lives! 

We tried tantric stuff in the past, 
and the results were 50-50. But this 
was something new and exciting, 
completely out of the ordinary. 1 asked 
my husband what had created such 
a dramatic change in our lovemaking 
and he told me he'd finally learned 
"the ropes." 

On the last night of his business trip 
my husband spent an evening dining 
out with a Swedish nutritionist and 
his wife of 20 years. The couple was 
obvicusly still quite enamored with 
each other, so my husband asked their 
secret. The nutritionist told him their 
sex life was more passionate than ever. 
Then he pulled a small bottle from his 


Great Sex! 


by Jamie Ireland 


satchel and gave it to my husband. The 
bottle contained a natural supplement 
that the nutritionist told my husband 
would teach him "the ropes" of good sex. 
My husband takes the supplement every 

day. The supply from the nutritionist 
is about to run out and we desperately 
want to know how we can find more. 
Do you know anything about “the 
ropes, " and can you tell us how we 
can find it in the States? 

Sincerely, 

Tina C., Ft. Worth, Texas 


ina, you and the rest of our readers 

are in luck, because it just so happens 
1 do know about “the ropes" and the 
supplement your husband's Swedish 
friend likely shared. 

The physical contractions and fluid 
release during male orgasm can be 
multiplied and intensified by a product 
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Ogóplex Pure Extract can help 
stimulate our own orgasms, bringing 
a whole new meaning to the term 
simultaneous climax! 

The term used by the Swedish 
nutritionist is actually fairly common 
slang for the effect your husband 
experienced. The enhanced contractions 
and heightened orgasmic release are 
often referred to as ropes because of 
the rope-like effect of release during 
climax. In other words, as some people 
have said, “it just keeps coming and 
coming and coming.” 

As far as finding it in the States, 

1 know of just one importer—Böland 
Naturals. If you are interested, you 
can contact them at 1-866-ogoplex or 
ogoplex.com. Ogóplex is all-natural 
and safe to take. All the people I've 
spoken with have said taking the 
once-daily tablet has led to the roping 
effect Tina described in her letter. 

Aren't you glad you asked? 


Jima) pulat) 
V 


Jamie Ireland 


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Пе у... its personal 


hunting in E jungle or the ocean 
depths, armed with a camera, 
mingling with the earth's most 
exotic beosts, waiting to snap the 
photograph of a lifetime? Whether 
you're a pro or о novice lensmon, 
New Jersey-based Fototreks 
(fatotreks.com) offers 57 expedi- 
tions for travelers with the photog- 
raphy jones, from the Chileon 
desert ta the ice fields of Antarc- 
tico. Next month National Gea- 
grophic photographer and author 
of Successful Underwater Photog- 
rophy Brian Skerry leads a Fato- 
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Australia to commune with whale 
shorks, the largest fish known to 
топ. "It's like Battlestar Galactica 
coming ot you out of the deep 
blue,” says Skerry, who captured 
this shot off Ningaloo Reef. (Yes, 
the photo is real. See the snorkler 
at the top? Thot could be you.) 
The 10-doy jaunt costs $4,975, 
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London Calling 


Sure, the mere freak factar of driving опе of these Londan Toxis— 
newly available to consumers in the States through the campany 
London Taxis North America (Itna.cam)—will eventually wear off. By 
that time you'll hove follen for oll 
the wild add-ons: pawer outlets 
for laptops in the passenger 
and driver compartments, 
а passenger-driver in- 
tercom system, 
о luggage 
compartment 
where the 
front 
passenger 
seat would 
normally be, 
опа room for 
five adults. With о 2.4-liter turba diesel Ford engine, this sucker is 
known to pile up 500,000 miles or more (nat bod for the $40,000 
base cost). Says aur test driver, "They ride mare like trucks thon cars, 
but na vehicle compares when yau wanna da donuts. The turn ra- 
dius is designed for making U-turns an norraw 17th century roads.” 
And don't warry—the steering wheel's on the right (as in left) side. 


47 


Electronic trans- 
lators are hardly 
the stuff of seduc- 
tion. Nabady 
ever clased a 
deal by typing in 
the phrase “You 
so pretty” and 
praffering it like 
a limp rase. But 
if any gadget 
could talk a 
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yau, this is defi- 
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The conveniently 
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abaut your pinga, you'll know to begin undressing 


Clothesline: 
Patrick Warburton 


The 39-year-ald Jersey bay 
farmerly knawn as Puddy an 
Seinfeld—who has two new 
flicks set to came aut later 
this year, First Time Caller 
and Happily N'Ever After— 
says he likes ta spend mast 
af his spare time in jeans 
and a T-shirt. “Mast af my 
T-shirts have sexy girls an 
the frant af them. That's 
abaut as daring as | get, 
given that 1 dan't have any 
tattaas ar piercings any- 
where an my bady. Every 
now and then it feels gaad 
to put an а tailared suit. I'm 
nat a designer-suit junkie ar anything, but | do have a 
couple af Gucci suits and o Huga Boss tuxedo that 1 gat 
fram film shoots where they let me keep the wardrobe. | 
have araund 50 baseball caps fram the days when I used ta 
participate in a lot of celebrity galf tournaments. I try ta find 
ones withaut golf emblems an the frant. I'm a 15-handicap 
Player, and I don't want to create the image that I'm a bet- 
ter golfer than | am." 


The Sea 
Monster 


Imagine straddling 
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across the water. 

a Jesus cauldn't even 
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the water ar hauling a large caoler. Pack plenty af 
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be cruising when the sun goes down. 


The Perfect Time... 


© То до business at your 
bank: Tuesdays, Wednesdays 

and Thursdays, from 10 A.M. 

to noon or from three to five 

em. If you con do business on- 

line or by phone, all the better. 

But some tasks involve actual 

humon contact (a heist, for 

example). The worst times are 
Mondoy momings and Fridoy 
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afier o throe-doy holidoy week- 

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е To purchase an extended war- 
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ever to file a claim. Manufacturers 
make about a 70 percent profit on 
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selves. When you do collect, the war- 
ronty fees tend to be obout the same 
os the repair costs. An exception: lap- 
top computers. In the cose of laptops, 
buy the extended worranty from the 
maker (not the retailer) to cover the 
hardware and to extend tech support. 


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Mine Playboy Advisor 


l drive a lot for my job, which is stressful. 
A friend suggested 1 touch myself to re- 
lieve the tension. I tried it, but it gota li 
Че dangerous, because as І rubbed my 
elit through my panties 1 stiffened my 
steering arm and wanted to close my cyes. 
During one trip I was eating an apple 
when | got an idea. I put it on the seat 
between my legs and started moving my 
hips in a circular motion. I got so turned 
оп 1 couldn't concentrate. 1 pulled into а 
rest stop and rode the apple to an in- 
credible orgasm. When 1 told my friend 
about it, he asked if 1 then finished the 
apple. Yes, I did. It was warmer and 
softer but still good. What do you think? 
—C.T. Chicago, Illinois 
We've always liked apple with cherry. 


This advice comes too late for the guy 
whose fiancée disinvited his friends to 
the wedding because they were present 
when he "touched a whore" at his bache- 
lor party (December). But for all the other 
young men who are involved with con- 
trolling women: Get out now. Most men 
in their 20s don't have the common 
sense, foresight or balls to end a relation- 
ship like that. Their marriage ends in five 
to 10 years after much misery. That's 
because as the woman gets stronger- 
willed and more dominant, she grows 
frustrated by her pushover spouse. И 
your girlfriend has you whipped, it will 
be less painful to leave now than to wait 
until she divorces your sorry ass and takes 
the kids, the house and the money. Been 
there. Done that. Sorry now.—M.D., 
Kansas City, Missouri 

This seems like a lesson that has to be 
learned the hard way. Guys who are whipped 
aren't able to take your advice. 


In November a reader wrote because h 
fiancée had made him quit playing in h 
band and listening to his favorite music. 
Thad a similar experience. I stupidly let 
my wife drive away шу friends, dispose 
of my guitars, tell me what type of beer 
to drink and limit me to an allowance of 
$10 a week. She had me convinced that 
if 1 made "just one more little sacrifice" 
she would be happy. After l'd given up 
everything enjoyable in my life, includ- 
ing sex, she began complaining that I 
used too much toilet paper, shampoo 
and deodorant. I came to my senses one 
night while lying awake worrying that 
she would find my secret stash of toi- 
letries. We divorced, and I've never been 
hap C., Great Mills, Maryland 

Welcome back. You sound like a good guy 
to have on a camping trip. 


You were mistaken in January when you 
told the guy who broke off his engage- 
ment that he shouldn't expect his ex to 


return the ring. Many courts have ruled 
that the ring is not a gift but part of a 
contract to marry. If the contract is bro- 
ken by either party, the man gets the 
ing back. If the couple marries but then 
gets divorced, the ring belongs to the 
woman.—M.C., Las Vegas, Nevada 
We're aware of the court decisions, bul we 
make our own judgments. 


What e 


can't make а таг 
what's the story beh 
anapolis, Indiana 

Vermouth is a wine flavored with bitter 
herbs and other botanicals. So it's similar to 
gin, which is why it works so well in a marti- 
ni. Our resident liquor historian, A.J. Baime 
(author of Big Shots: The Men Behind the 
Booze), says it's widely believed that ver- 
mouth was invented by Hippocrates. “A key 
ingredient was wormwood, which was be- 
lieved to kill intestinal worms,” Baime says. 
Because the highly toxic elixir also tended to 
kill the patient, it fell out of favor as an in- 
gredient. In 1813 Frenchman Joseph Noilly 
created the first dry vermouth; his family lat- 
er founded Noilly Prat. The other top pro- 
ducer is Martini & Rossi, founded in Turin, 
Haly. Today the company makes its original 
bittersweet red (produced with white wine 
and a dash of caramel and used in manhat- 
tans), extra dry (martini), white (vanilla fla- 
vor) and rose (cinnamon and cloves). 


actly is ver 


jouth? I know you 
i without it, but 
nd it?—T.G., Indi- 


| fantasize about fucking Jenny McCarthy. 
I told my wife about this, and she agreed 
to have sex with me while saying things 
like “You like the feeling of Jenny's lips 
on your cock?" and "Come on, fuck Jen- 
ny McCarthy!" The problem now is that 
I can't get turned on unless I'm looking 


ILLUSTRATION BY ISTVAN BANVAI 


ata photo of Jenny or my wife is pretend- 


ing to be her. What should I do?—].W., 
Baltimore, Maryland 
You'd better do something quick or your 


wife will be a fantasy loo. H's not unusual to 
imagine being with olher people while hav- 
ing sex with your partner, but it’s a bad sign 
when it’s the same person all the time, every 
time, (It's known as allogynia, or the inabil- 
ity to come without fantasizing about a more 
desirable lover) We would suggest aversion 
therapy, but we don't know of any photos in 
which Jenny looks bad. The next time you 
have sex—if there is a next time—banish her 
photo and use "baby" and “honey” when en- 
couraging your wife so you don't slip up. 
Concentrate on the sensations and think 
about Jenny all you want. but keep it to your- 
self. Long term, you may need professional 
help, especially if your fetish is masking a 
larger problem in the relationship. 


You shouldn't have blown off the toe 
sucker who asked in December if nail 
polish contains harmful chemicals. Most 
brands contain phthalates, a family of 
i ls commonly used in 
cosmetics to make them more flexible 
and durable. In animal studies phtha- 
lates have been found to wreak havoc on 
the reproductive, endocrine and im- 
mune systems r men, an overload of 
phthalates may lead to atrophied testi- 
cles, low sperm count, overdeveloped 
breasts, immune deficiency and testicu- 
lar cancer. One phthalate in particular 
tends to leech onto the i 
the polish comes into contact with water 
or, presumably, saliva. Practice safe sucks 
by asking your partner to eschew polish 
or use phthalate-free ones such as those 
by Urban Decay or products in L'Oréal's 
Jet Set line—D.R., Salt Lake City, Utah 

This is one reason we stick with cunnilin- 
gus. The cosmetics industry insists its prod- 
ucts are safe, though. And you'd have to suck 
а ridiculous number of toes to duplicate the 
level of phthalate exposure in animal testing. 


Em 20 and my girlfriend is 19. 1 plan on 
marrying her, but she refuses even to 
talk about the possibility of engaging in a 
threesome. I don't want to die without 
having had this experience. What should. 
1 do?—B.N., Houston, Texas 

You're too young to get married. for rea- 
sous beyond this. Even if your girlfriend 
were lo agree, Ihreesomes can be compli- 
cated, especially with someone you love. For 
example, il could go like this... 


Му wife meta woman at a bar who in- 
vited her back to her apartment. My wile 
asked if I could come, then whispered to 
me to take Viagra. Once we got to her 
apartment the woman suggested we all 
take a bath. When I asked, “Where do you 


51 


PLAYBOY 


ip in behind her. 
Ve all caressed 


My wife said nothing. 
one another until I was rock hard. When 
the woman went into the bedroom, 1 
asked my wife where this was going. She 


said, "Whatever happens, happens.” We 
played with every toy the woman owned, 
but I didn't have sex with her because I 
sensed my wife wasn't into it. The next 
day my wife was upset because she said 1 
yoyed myself too much. I don't think 
fair. 1 view it as something we tried 
t work out. What's your take? 
—A.T., Fort Worth, Texas 
We're with you. Good thing you didn't 
fuck the host. It’s always difficult to know 
how a spouse will react during or after a 
threesome—it's not something most couples 
discuss until after the fact. 


А reader wrote in January to ask about 
burn-in on plasma TV screens. You said 
one culprit is the horizontal bars that ap- 
pear on the top and bottom of the screen 
when you watch 4:3 aspect TV program- 
ming on a 16:9 screen. Didn't you mean 
to say vertical bars on the sides?—R.S., 
McConnelsville, Ohio 

Yes, we did. We've been watching loo 
much foreign porn. We also should have not- 
ed that most people will be happier upgrad- 
ing to a 4:3 HDTV than going wide. 


M, girlfriend's left hand is more sexu- 
ally aggressive than her right, which is 
gentle and sensitive. Is this a medical 
condition? —M.W., London, U.K 

105 called left-handedness, and it brings to 
mind one of our favorite poems, by David Zas- 
loff: "Masturbation taught me/My left hand 
is different from my right hand/My right hand 
is the boss and gives orders/ It wants the job 
done fast/ My left hand is more romantic/It 
wants me to enjoy every stroke/ My left hand 
would light candles ifthe right hand would let 
it/ My right hand is using те/ Му left hand is 
in love with me/My left hand must be gay.” 


My fraternity brothers and I have 
scheduled a toga party with a hot soror- 
ity. We can’t decide whether to shave our 
chests. If we don't, the women may Бе 
turned off. If we do, we may get teased 
for being unmasculine. What should we 
do?—S.W., Buffalo, New York 

It depends—do you want to look like a fra- 
ternity of gladiators or bathhouse servants? 
The real Romans wore togas over tunics 
(which resembled T-shirts with no sleeves). 
Try that. In the later years of the empire, the 
only women who wore Iogas were prostitutes. 


Should be a fun party. 


Please advise your readers of a potential 
hazard with dildos made of borosilicate 
glass (October). I learned the hard way 
that kitchenware made from this materi- 
al can explode if it has even а hi 
crack.—V.E., Los Angeles, California 
That's unlikely to happen with a dildo 
unless you expose il lo extreme changes in 


52 temperature, which is not recommended or 


practical. While toy companies advertise that 
the products retain heal and cold, most peo- 
ple find that room temperature works best. 
(The glass will feel cool because of higher 
body heat.) Lately the number of sites selling 
inexpensive glass toys has risen, in part be- 
cause of a crackdown ou bong shops, which 
has led to a glut of unemployed glass-bong 
craftsmen. John Sanchez of the Original 
Glass Dildo Company suggests that anyone 
considering a glass dildo keep it simple. 
While most guys order 12-inchers with all the 
trimmings because they think thats what 
their partners want, most women buy clear, 
smooth eighi-inchers. Sanchez suggests going 
to 10 so you have a few inches to hold on to. 


ear-old son asked me what a 
I wasn't sure how to respond. 
A blow job is not an act of reproduction 
that falls under my definition of the birds 
and the bees. How far should a parent 
go during “the talk” when describing 
sex acts? I'm not sure I want to get into 
the hydraulics. I also don't want my 
son to be educating his friends.—K.M., 
Susanville, California 

From what we've read, some 11-year-olds 
not only know what a blow job is, they've 
experienced it. They think it's not sex, ap- 
parently. Make sure your son understands 
other Give him a clinical definition, 
emphasizing the adult nature of the en- 
counter. “Ws when a woman touches a man's 
privates with her mouth” might suffice—for 
now. Most important, encourage him to ask 
you any questions he wants about sex. This 
should be an ongoing discussion, not a talk. 
Better he learn from you than a bunch of 13- 
year-olds. And better his friends get good in- 
formation too. Next up: lesbians. 


I subscribe to PLavBOY because I thought 
it might encourage me to lose weight. 
My question is: Could a man ever be 
happy with a woman like me who has a 
pretty face but a size-16 body? I would 
like an honest answer, even if it hurts my 
feelings and leaves me more bitter than I 
already am.—].S., Oakley, Californi; 
Most men aren't attracted to overweight 
women, so odds are they'll never know if they 
could be happy with you as a size 16. Wed 
like an honest answer to this: Are you 
attracted to strangers with potbellies and 
double chins or those who are slim and fit? 


According to my husband, DVD-Audio 
is the musical technology of the future. 
We purchased a disc, and the clarity 
blew us away. But the clerk didn't know 
much, and the selection was minuscule. 
What gives?—].G.. Saratoga, Florida 

It's carly, so only а few hundred albums 
are available in the format. DVD-A is bat- 
tling with Super Audio CD, or SACD, for 
audiophile cars. Both formats offer better 
sound than standard CDs, as well as breath- 
taking 5.1 Surround. Neither lets you make 
copies or rip MP3s, which pleases the indus- 
SACD offers more selection—about 
1.000 albums—and the discs can be played 


on standard CD players if you're desperate. 
DVD-A has the potential to include extras 
such as video, photos and text. It works in 
most DVD players but not in CD players or 
computer drives. Players that handle both 
formats will arrive soon. Which will sur- 
vive? Hard 10 say. Maybe theyll merge. 


My girlfriend's labia hang down almost 
an inch. When I discussed it with the 
t work, they all said it's because 
she's a slut. “Look at the porn stars, 
they said. 1 don't want to ask my girl- 
friend about this, but the guys have put 
this idea in my head, and I need reassur- 
ance.— J.A., Pullman, Washington 

Sexual activity has nothing to do with Ihe 
size of a woman's labia, nor does it affect her 
breasts, lips, eyes, nose, teeth, feet, buttocks, 
legs, fingers or toes. When you have a good 
thing going, ¡Us always wise to share the par- 
ticulars of your girlfriend's genitals on a 
need-to-know basis, which is to say—never. 
You're putting а lot of trust in these guys to 
keep their mouths shut. 


My father scolded me the other day for 
coasting to a stop in neutral and starting 
up in second gear. He claims these pr 
tices are bad for the transmission. I say 
they're harmless. Who's righ? —M.P, 
Bethesda, Maryland 

Brake pads are much less expensive to re- 
place than a transmission, which is why it's 
smart to use them, rather than downshift, to 
slow down. There are exceplions, such as 
when you're slowing on а long decline, which 
could cause your brakes to overheat; when 
you're on ice or gravel and need to maintain 
control: or when you're at a light but may 
need to accelerate quickly. such as for an 
emergency vehicle or because some joker is 
coming up too fast behind you. As for starting 
from second gear, that’s not smart if you're at 
а complete stop. But if you're rolling, it can 
save gas and wear on first gear: 


1 often travel to Europe, where it doesn't 
seem го be a problem то mention го 
women that I'm well hung. But here in 
the U.S. I can get the strangest looks. 1 
believe in being up-front about this be- 
cause so many women have told me they 
enjoy my ample size. If women can wear 
low-cut blouses and short skirts to adver- 
tise their goods, why can't I mer 
endowment?—M.S., Prescott, Arizona 

You don't have anything more interesting 
to talk about? 


All reasonable questions—from fashion, food 
and drink, stereo and sports cars lo dating 
dilemmas, taste and eliquette—will le person- 
ally ansuered if the writer includes a self- 
addressed, stamped envelope. The most inter- 
esting, pertinent questions will be presented in 
these pages each month. Write the Playboy Ad- 
visor, PLAYBOY, 680 North Lake Shore Drive, 
Chicago, Illinois 6061 1, or send e-mail by 
visiting our website at playboyadvisor.com. 


m1 
| BEACH | 


RED SQUARE BLACK 


ent m. 
INFORMATION АМП 1 BOO Bee 2312 - a ag 


STC OCR. R 


s the 2004 pres- 

dential prima- 
Tp past, 
it’s clear that our elec- 
toral process is corrupt. 
In fact, the corruption 
is deeper and more 
troubling than we've 
acknowledged publicly, 
having spread into war 
making and war prof- 
iteering, unpatriotic 
trespasses that should 
be central to the de- 
bates this year. 

Now that the early 
primaries have become 
more decisive of the 
election, big spending 
has become even more 
important. And the 
more cash rules, the 
greater the public suf- 
fers. The votes and 
opinions of ordinary 
Americans no longer 
matter much 

Part of the problem 
is that American poli- 
tics has gone dynast 
Led by the Bushes, 
powerful families with 
ties to wealth are taking 
over. On track to raise 
$200 million this year 
from fat cats, lobbyists 
and favor seekers, Pres 
ident George W. Bush plans to spend $170 million during 
the Republican primaries, despite having no intraparty op- 
position. Much of the cash will be spenton TV ads. In 2000 
he won the White House—or at least the Supreme Court 
ruled he'd been clected—largely by opting out of the pre- 
convention public-financing system. That allowed him to 
raise a record $101 million from individuals and spend far 
more than the previously applicable ceilings allowed. 

He was able to do this because his name was not Jones or 
Smith but Bush. His father had already established power- 
ful money-raising machinery during his years of running 
for vice president and president. The son inherited the 
name, the bankroll and the presidency. 

In his early bids for office in Texas, George W. used his 
father's fund-raisers and his mother's famous Christmas card 
list. By the 2000 presidential race, W had added a new donor 


group of Texans he'd fa- 

vored during five years 

as governor. Florida, 

where his brother Jeb 

is governor, produced 

another huge flock of 

check writers. In re- 

turn, the Bush donor 

network knows what it 

can expect from family 

officeholders: support 

for the petroleum in 

dustry, war making 

and big defense out- 

lays, and economic 

favoritism toward the 

wealthiest one percent. 

The American trend 

toward dynastic poli- 

tics is bipartisan. In 

California, the new 

Republican governor, 

Arnold Schwarzeneg- 

ger, through his wife, 

Maria Shriver, tapped 

Kennedy family influ- 

ence. Democratic sena- 

tor John Kerry was a 

member of the secre- 

tive Skull and Bones at 

Yale, as were both 

Bush presidents. Ker- 

ry's wife, Teresa Heinz, 

inherited her half- 

billion-dollar fortune 

from her first hus- 

band, the late Pennsyl- 

vania senator John Heinz Ш, who was also а member of 

Skulland Bones. Hillary Clinton won her New York Senäte 

seat in 2000 with $40 million that was substantially pro- 

duced Бу her presidential husband's fund-raising appara- 

tus. She is widely expected to run for president in 2008 in 

hopes of restoring the Clinton dynasty to the White House. 

This phenomenon of rich-family office holding has per- 

nicious antidemocratic implications. A new politics of fam- 

ily, inheritance, class and cronyism has been legitimized 

Optimists will cite similarities with the Gilded Age of the 

late 19th century—the era of Rockefeller, Morgan and the 

robber barons. These kinds of abuses, they'll say, were 

attacked and eliminated by Theodore Roosevelt and the 

Progressives of the early 20th century, and we can do that 
again in this new century. 

I'm not so sanguine. Since the war in Vietnam, Americans 


have developed two issue streams that 
are frequently at odds. The first is de- 
fined by economic frustration and job 
loss, as well as by complaints about cor- 
porations, corruption and politics that 
are dominated by money. The second 
set of issues, generally voiced by conser- 
vatives, taps voter concern about patri- 
otism, defense and terrorism, along vith 
the cultural politics that embraces such 
religious fundamentalists and bluenoses 
as Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell. 

Since Reagan's presidency, flag wav- 
ing, war making, crony capitalism and 
pandering to religious fundamentalists 
have prevailed over the politics of eco- 
nomic frustration and anticorruption. 
In the past few years, though, a new 

cel has emerged. Under the 
flag waving, war making, 
crony capitalism and pandering to reli- 
gious fundamentalists have become in- 
separable from corruption. That gives 
reform forces a whole new moral and 
patriotic impetus 

1 don't know of any president be- 
fore the Bushes whose family was as 
heavily tied to the military-industrial 
complex and war profits over multiple 
generations 

Four generations of Walkers and 
Bushes have been involved with petro- 
leum ventures in the Caspian Sea and 
the Persian Gulf, and members of two 
of those generations—the 415 and the 
43rd presidents—have taken this 
nation into oil-linked wars with Iraq 
What few Americans know or remem. 
ber is that before George H.W. Bush 
finally mobilized against Saddam Hus- 
sein in 1990 because of botched Amer- 
ican diplomacy, he had spent six years 
as vice president and president build- 
ing up Iraq as a strategic counter- 
weight to Iran. Indeed, U.S. assistance 
to Iraq was channeled through rogue 
banks and improper loans and became 
а Bush-injuring scandal: the Iraggate 
ruckus of 1991-92. 

Today's home-front profiteering and 
crony capitalism in connection with the 
war in Iraq and the aftermath of Sep- 
tember 11 are indictments in and of 
themselves. The issues reach from the 
greedy home-security lobbying of for- 
iner Bush aides to the Middle East in- 
vestment links of two Bush presidents 
and the profits of Halliburton, the 
Houston-based corporation that was 
formerly run by Vice President Dick 
Cheney. With a little bit of luck, the 
themes of corruption and sober patrio- 
tism may finally be about to join hands. 


Kevin Phillips is the author of American 
Dynasty: Aristocracy, Fortune and the Poli- 
dies of Deceit in the House of Bush. 


By Matt Taibbi and Matt Bivens 


en Leonard, president of the 
educational-software company 
Ignite, wasn't sure where his 
business partner was. When PLaYBOY 
contacted Leonard with questions 
about the company he runs with Neil 
Bush (President Bush's brother is 
CEO and chairman of the one-person 
board), he didn't know his boss was in 
Almaty, Kazakhstan, meeting with 
Kazakh president Nur- 
sultan Nazarbayev to 
discuss plans for remak- 
ing that country's edu- 
cational system. “Is this 
ajoke?” Leonard asked. 

We assured him it 
wasn't. Of course, one 
can forgive Leonard's 
skepticism. Ignite, after 
all, is a barely tested 
American company that boasts a single 
product—a software package of songs, 
cartoons and lectures about American 
history. Targeted for eighth graders, it 
features cartoon teachers such as M. 
Bighead, rap songs about the Consti- 
tution and other "21st century tools 
for 21st century students." The com- 
pany is so 21st century that its graphics 
are too sophisticated for all but the 
best-equipped schools. This is why, 
Leonard says, Ignite targets schools 
with broadband capability, advanced 
processors—and, we might add, the 
jack to pay $10,000 per school per year. 

Leonard at first didn't believe that 
Bush was meeting with Central Asian 
autocrats to discuss Mr. Bighead. “1 
don't keep Mr. Bush's schedule," he 
said. "As you might expect, we have no 
plans to sell our U.S.-aligned social 
studies curriculum in Kazakhstan." We 
read him a quote from Bush, taken that 
day from the Interfax-Kazakhstan news 
agency: "Тһе Kazakh president and 
authorities advocate and sup- 
port the new idcas in educa- 
tion reforms that I have come 
to Kazakhstan to talk abou! 

Neil Bush's life is like a bibli- 
cal parable of accidental suc- 
cess. In the wake of his divorce 
from his wife, Sharon, during 
which numerous revelations 
about his business practices 
(and his sexual ones; sce "Mar- 
ginalia,” opposite page) came 


Mr. Bighead 


to light, the public has been treated to 
a tale of a man walking face-first into 
improbable good fortune. These reve- 
lations uncover a theme: generous 
compensation for vague contributions 
on Bush's part. In Thailand he was 
paid $642,000 го introduce executives 
of a Thai firm, the CP Group, toa 
company called Kopin. 
Grace Semiconductor, co-founded by 

Jiang Mianheng (son of 
former Chinese presi- 
dent Jiang Zemin), will 
pay him $2 million in 
shares over five years 
for business advice. In 
the divorce depositions, 
Bush admits he doesn't 
know a lot about semi- 
conductors but says his 
value lies in his business 
knowledge. When pressed, he cites his 
MBA from Tulane University. 

Ignite has an eclectic group of sup- 
porters. Although small company 
still trying to break into the domestic 
market, 80 percent of its investors are 
foreign, including Hamza El Khouli, 
an associate of Egyptian president 
Hosni Mubarak; former Iranian am- 
bassador to the U.S. Hushang Ansary; 
and Winston Wong, the Taiwanese co- 
founder of Grace Semiconductor. 

Why would investors all over the 
world want to get in on the ground 
floor with a man whose role in the 
collapse of Silverado Savings & Loan 
reportedly caused him to be banned 
from the banking business? A possible 
answer presents itself in Kazakhstan. 
Bush arrived in Almaty as the Nazar- 
bayev government was facing a U.S. 
Department of Justice investigation 
into practices by American oil majors 
in Kazakhstan. At issue are the largest 
formally alleged bribes since the pas- 
sage of the U.S. Foreign Cor- 
rupt Practices Act: $78 million 
that the Justice Department 
says Mobil (now ExxonMobil) 
and other oil companies paid 
to top Kazakh officials. Swiss 
legal documents indicate that 
President Nazarbayev con- 
trolled at least one of the bank 
accounts in which the money 
was stashed. The Financial Times 
reports that his government 


even approached Vice President Dick 
Cheney's old company Halliburton for 
help in shutting down the case. The Kazakh 
government apparently failed to see the 
difference between Halliburton and the 
U.S. government. Bush denied he was in 
Kazakhstan for any on other than to 
help Kazakh children. "I am not here as а 
politician, though I come from a political 
“My mission is 


family," he told reporter: 
not to represent the U.S. 
government. My goal is to 
discuss education and to 
talk about how we will edu- 
cate children." 

A lot of people involved 
with Ignite are motivated 
by a love for children. In his 
divorce deposition, Bush 
explains how EI Khouli, the 
Mubarak associate, came to 
bc interested in Ignite: 

©: Do you know how he chose to invest. 
in this particular company? 

A: He cares about kids. 

Q: Because he cares about kids? 

A: Yeah. He wants to help lighten—you 
know, breathe life into learning for kids. 

А lobbyist for Kazakhstan's democratic 


opposition, however, questioned the idea 
that both Bush and Nazarbayev were pri- 
marily interested in talking about educa- 
tion technology. “Neil Bush can say what 


imagination. 


manicurists, massa; 


y claiming you 
in the world also 


Neil Bush (center) with Hamza El 
Khouli (second from right) in Egypt. 


«THE AIRLINES 


inothet 
ople on 
o show 


he wants about not being a representative 
of the U.S. government, about being a pri- 
vate citizen," the lobbyist said. "But Ka- 
zakhstan is a very family-oriented society, 
so this is seen as a vote of confidence in the 
Nazarbayev family by the Bush family." 
Another reason Bush may have decided 
to try Ignite's hand in Kazakhstan (and also 
in the United Arab Emirates): Things don't 
lock so good in the U.S. His divorce again 
focused attention on how 
the third Bush son does 
business. Of interest is a 
breakthrough deal struck 
last spring to sell Ignite 
software to 23 schools in 
the Houston Indepen- 
dent School District. 
Prior to last June, Bush 
had tried to sell the Ignite 
software package—one 
eighth-grade social studies program—to 
the district for $10,000 a pop. This was too 
expensive for the HISD, so the district 
agreed to buy $230,000 worth of Ignite 
software for 23 schools on the condition 
that Bush raise $115,000—half the pur- 
chase price—via tax-deductible donations 
10 the district's tax-exempt corporation. 
Bush arranged for corporations and indi- 
viduals in Texas to pay the $115,000 to the 
HISD foundation. Among the donors was 
Ansary, the former Iranian ambassador. As 


from breal 


cinema or mobile 


Branson is chairm: 


lirways, which he 


MARGINALIA 


IN THE BOOK 

SEXUAL RIGHTS IN 
AMERICA, published 

last year, scholars recount 

the blackmail of Alexander Hamilton, 
who was married (and secretary of 
the Treasury) at the time: "According 
to Hamilton's own account, during 
the summer of 1791 an attractive 
young lady presented herself at his 
home in Philadelphia. Maria Reynolds 
told Hamilton а sad tale of physical 
abuse and abandonment by her hus- 
band. She asked Hamilton for a small 
loan. According to Hamilton, when he 
delivered the money, 'some conversa- 
tion ensued by which it was quickly 
apparent that other than pecuniary 
consolation would be 
acceptable.’ Hamilton 
devoured the Ьай, re- 
peatedly, over the next 
several months, until 
Mı. Reynolds appeared 
and demanded restitu- 
tion for Hamilton‘ 
sult.’ Four days later 
Hamilton received a 
letter from Mr. Reynolds. ‘God knows 
1I love the woman end wish every 
blessing may attend her,’ he wrote. 
“But 1 don't think I can be reconciled 
to live with her. Give me the sum of 
$1,000 ard 1 will leave town." 
Although cne might expect Hamilton 
to put an end to the affair, he contin- 
ued to pay the couple for the privi- 
lege, in amounts ranging from $40 to 
5400. Eventually Mr. Reynolds was 
arrested оп an unrelated matter. He 
told authorities he had evidence, 
including receipts, that proved Hamil- 
ton had defrauded the government. 
Although Congress exonerated him, 
Hamilton felt the need to publish a 
95-page confessional. He concluded 
with the hope that 'bare perusal of 
the letters from Reynolds and his wife 
is sufficient to convince my greatest 
enemy that there is nothing worse in 
the affair than an irregular and indeli- 
cate amour" The matter passed. 


FROM A DEPOSITION by Neil 
Bush during proceedings that ended 
his 23-year marriage. Bush is being 
questioned by his wife's attorney: 
a: How did you answer when asked 
tostate the names of all persons 
other than your spouse with whom. 
you've had sexual intercourse since 
the date of marriage? 

A: | had sexual intercourse with 
perhaps three or four women at 
different times. 1 have a pretty clear 
recollection that there was one time. 
in Thailand and in Hong Kong. 

a: Were these prostitutes? 

A: | don't— don't know. 

а: Did you pay them for that sex? 

А: No, 1 did not. 

а: How did it come about? Did they 
shake you down, chase you down? 
A: | wouldn't characterize it that way. 
a: Well, what do you remember 
about them? 

A: Just having sex. 

a; You don't remember where you 
met them? 


(continued on page 57) 


an investor in Ignite, he was making tax-deductible dona- 
tions to help sell his own product. In a deposition related to 
his boss's divorce, Ken Leonard admitted that по competi- 
tive bidding for the contract took place. 

Arnold Kleinstein of Worldview Software, a competing 
educational-software firm, says he'd have difficulty eliciting 
donations to help sell his own products. “Гуе never heard of 
anything like that,” he says. "We certainly couldn't do that.” 

Bush's divorce testimony also covers his business history, 
as in this exchange with Sharon Bush's attorne: 

Q: You haven't done well over the past 20 ye: 

A: No, I think Гуе done pretty well. 

о: How much did you get out of Silverado? 

A: Nothing. 

о: How much did you get out of the deal 
you and Jeb tried to put together on the South 
American oil? 

A: There was no such deal. 

Q: What have you done in the last 10 years businesswise 
that you think has been profitable for you? 

А: Pve successfully managed to pay bills for our family. 
We live in a nice home. Our kids have a good lifestyle. My 
wife has gotten used to comforts that have been provided 
not exclusively by me but largely by me. 

Other parts of the depositions highlight the duties Bush 
performs in various salaried positions. He explains what he 
did to earn $60,000 a year from Crest Investment Согро- 
ration—a company that has also invested in Ignite: 

о: What do you do for Crest? 


have you? 


Neil Bush gets into 
problems, and 
others solve them. 


A; I'm the co-chairman, 

Q: What product does Crest put out in the market? 

А: It's a financial-investment entity. 

о: And what did you do for Crest in 2002? 

A: Provided miscellaneous consulting services 

Q: Such as? 

A: Answering phone calls when Jamal Daniel, the other 
co-chairman, called and asked for advice. 

In 2002, in the United Arab Emirates, Bush opened up 
to 200 government and educational officials who had heard 
his Ignite pitch: "The point of learning is not just memo- 
rizing stuff that will later be forgotten because 
it's useless in everyday life," he said. "Learning 
is about experiencing and solving problems." 
Bush's take on solving problems is unusual: 
He gets himself into them, and other people 
solve them. In the Silverado case, which cost 
taxpayers more than $1 billion, he was fined 
$50,000. And a former congressman turned bank lobbyist 
raised the money to pay his legal bills. After Silverado, Bush 
started Apex Energy, a methane-gas-prospecting company. 
He invested $3,000; companies run by his father's friend 
Louis Marx put in $2.3 million. For the next two years, Neil 
Bush paid himself more than $300,000 out of that money 
before Apex went broke. Marx's investments (and losses) 
were insured by the Small Business Administration. 

Maybe the next Ignite course should be on living life with 
other people's money in a consequence-free environment. 
For that, at least, no one can say Neil Bush isn't qualified 


1 grew up reading PLAYBOY but 
never realized until | read your 
50th anniversary issue how much 
the magazine had influenced my 
views on sex, drugs and politics. 
Not only did Hugh Hefner shape 
America's sexual revolution, he 
shaped me, as well. 
Tim Habert 
Ellicott City, Maryland 


Congratulations on your 50th, 
and thark you for helping to 
make our society more open, 
honest and free. 
Ramona Ripston 
American Civil Liberties Union 
Los Angeles, California 


1 had the good fortune to serve 
as chief counsel for Larry Hicks, 
the innocent man whom the 
Playboy Foundation helped save 
from death row, during his ap- 
peals and second trial. I will for- 
ever be thankful for the support 
of the Foundation, attorney Burt 
Joseph and The Playboy Forum. 
Nile Stanton 
Hania, Greece 


Hugh Hefner and the Foundation 
were at the genesis of the first 
serious-minded efforts to reform 
marijuana laws. The many 
grants for education and litiga- 
tion the Foundation provided to 


READER RESPONSE [sl 


our organization helped pave the 
way for the 100 million citizens. 
in 12 states who now face only 
fines for possession of small 
amounts of marijuana. 
‚Allen St. Pierre 
Norml Foundation 
Washington, D.C. 


Even PLAYBOY'S editors must 
remain vigilant when it comes 
to the pervasiveness of the 
majority religion. When you 
refer to the Bible, for example, 
it would be more accurate to 
call it the Christian Bible. 
Roger Hogan 
Lakewood, Colorado 


It is with sadness that I write to 
say that | will not be renewing 
my subscription. I hadn't real- 
ized until reading the January 
issue that your support of indi- 
vidual liberties is limited to sex, 
censorship and drug use and not 
to gun ownership. You fail to 
understand that our freedoms 
are linked, and they are more of- 
ten eroded through incremental. 
approaches than through sweep- 
ing bans. Attacking the lawful. 
possession of guns as a means 
to stop violent crime is only а 
little different from attacking ап 
erect penis as a means to stop. 


rape. PLAYBOY has been accused 
of everything from undermining 
the morals of society to promot- 
ing the abuse of women. | would 
have thought this would make 


you more sensitive to the lure of 
blaming inanimate objects for 
the sickness that resides in 
some humans. It is not a 
weapon—or a magazine—that 
should be blamed for evil. 

Brent deMoville 

Waco, Texas 


It is difficult to reconcile the ideas 
expressed in the Playboy Philoso- 
phy and your stance on gun con- 
trol. On one page Hugh Hefner. 


writes, “American democracy is 
based not simply on the will of 
the majority but on the protection 
‚of the will of the minority. And the 
smallest minority in society is the 
individual." Yet two pages earlier 
you acknowledge PLA/oY's long 
history of disregard for the indi- 
vidual rights guaranteed by the 
Second Amendment. Your com- 
parison of gun control to driver's 
licenses is apples and oranges: A 
driver's license is a privilege, not 
a constitutional right. | hope you 
return to your original ideals and 
distinguish yourselves from the 
other liberal media sheep. 
Anthony Racz Jr, 
Littleton, Colorado 


When it comes to your opinions 
оп gun control, maybe you 
should stick to the dames, booze 
and gadgets. 
C. Wronski 
Chicago, Illinois 


50 how are we doing otherwise? 
Our support for limited gun 
control has never been any great 
secret, but we have always given 
space to readers who disagree 
with our stance. 


E-mail: forum@playboy.com. Or 
write: 730 Fifth Avenue, New 
York, New York 10019. 


Going Greek 

ATHENS—AS the summer Olympics ap- 
proach, Greek authorities have begun 
enforcing a 1999 law that requires broth- 
els to be situated at least 200 meters 
from churches, schools and charities. 
That makes it illegal for brothels to oper- 
ate just about anywhere in the city, and 
last year authorities shut down at least 
15. A number of the country's 7,000 
licensed prostitutes took to the streets to 
protest the law, which also bars married 
men from hiring prostitutes and limits the 
number of hookers in each brothel to 
three. “We demand our right to work and 
our dignity," said one protester. Another 
declared, "We are entitled to our place in 
society." Lawmakers proposed cutting 
the 200-meter limit by half, giving the 
women easier access to central hotels, 
but the Greek Orthodox Church objected. 


Thirty-Three Years for TV Theft 
BAYBORO, NORTH CAROLINA—Junior Allen may be 
the only man in America to serve more than 
three decades in prison for stealing a TV. In 
1970 he sneaked into an unlocked home and 
stole a $140 set. Allen has since been denied 
parcle 25 times. The parole board, which 
calls the 63-year-old a danger to society, cites 
his 47 disciplinary write-ups for such jail- 
house infractions as fighting, gambling and 
disobeying orders. Allen's 26th parole hearing 
is scheduled for March 26. 


Cop Busts Pop 

QUEENS VILLAGE, NEW YORK—À father and his 
son were walking home from a birthday party 
when the nine-year-old accidentally let go of 
his Winnie-the-Pooh balloon. It hit the side- 
walk and popped. A police officer called the 
father over and issued him a summons for 
“unreasonable noise." The man said he would 
contest the ticket. "You'd make more noise 
closing the door of a police car," he said. 


Buying the Mexican Vote 
MEXICO city—As part of its antiterrorism 
efforts, the U.S. government wanted to know 
more about insurgent Mexicans. An Atlanta 
company, ChoicePoint, provided a database 
that included the addresses, passport num- 
bers and phone numbers of 65 million Mexi- 
cans. ChoicePoint had purchased the data 
from a Mexico-based firm contracted by the 
Mexican government to keep election records. 
Authorities in Mexico placed three employees 
of the Mexican company under house arrest 
and threatened to charge them with treason. 


The Gun Channel 

WASHINGTON, D.c.—Campaign-finance laws 
prohibit television and radio stations from air- 
ing political ads from corporate-funded groups 
such as the National Rifle Association during 
the months before an election. So the NRA is 
contemplating buying its own station. The 
group says it would argue that its broadcasts 
are news programs, which are exempted from 
the regulations. "We're as legitimate a media 
outlet as Disney, Viacom or Time Warner," 
said one NRA official. "Why should they have 
an exclusive right to relay information to the 
public?" The NRA is already one of the 
nation's largest magazine publishers. 


Measure of a Dog 

GRESHAM, OREGON—A mother and daughter 
who ran a pet-sitting service lost their charge, 
a German shepherd named Fremont, when the 
dog bolted through an open gate. Two months 
later, acting on a tip, the owner found his ani- 
mal wandering a few 
miles away. The next 
day he sued the wom- 
en for the $20,000 
he says he spent on 
posters, newspaper 
ads, cell phone calls, 


a telephone hotline & A? 

апа an animal track- 8 оо 
er; $30,000 in lost 51000“ 
income; $10,000 for Safe Return 


“the temporary loss of 
the special value of Fremont based on his 
qualities, characteristics and pedigree"; and 
$100,000 for emotional distress 


MARGINALIA 


(continued from page 55) 


n: No. 
о: Do you remember— 

^: My recollection is they came to 
my room. 

a: Just knocked on the door, you 
opened the door and— 

^; There they—there she was, yeah. 
a: Do you know the name of that 
hotel? 1 may go to Thailand sometime. 


кс No. 

о: What time period was this? 

А: It was more than five years аро 
but probably less than 10 years ago. 
о: Okay. You went to the door and 
opened it up and there's a woman 
standing there. Right? 

А: | can't remember specifically, but 
yes, that's vaguely how it happened. 
о: Did she have clothes on? 

A: Yes. 

о: Did she speak English? 

А: Yes. 


: Did you know she was coming? 
Honestly, | can't recall. 

о: Mr. Bush, you have to admit that 
it's a pretty remarkable thing for a 
man just to go to a hotel room door 
and open it and have a woman 
standing there and have sex with her. 
^: It was very unusual. 

o: How did you know whether to 
invite her in or tell her to go away? 
a: You know, whatever happened, 
happened. 

о: Well, you obviously invited her in. 
a: Yes. 

о: | mean, she—she didn't threaten 
you with a Weapon to get— 

A: No. 

Lat 
а: How did you contract herpes? 

А: I had sexual intercourse with a 
woman before my marriage, while | 
was in business school. 

о: Did she come and knock on 
your door? 

А: No, 1 knew that woman. 


OUR PRIVACY POLICY IS THAT 
YOU HAVE NO PRIVACY 
From the 


о: 
А: 


„com website: 

$ | "By purchas- 
* inga ticket or 

completing a 
registration form so that you are able 
to access a purchase page for a ticket 
to a concert, game or other event on 
the site, you consent to us sharing 
your personal information with the 
Venues, promoters, artists, teams, 
leagues and other third parties associ- 
ated with that concert, game or other 
event. We cannot offer you а separate 
opportunity to opt cut.” From a mailing 
to holders of Massachusetts Mutual 
insurance policies; “We may collect 
personal information about you from 
applications or other forms, interviews 
or by other means, consumer or other 
reporting agencies, medical or health 
care providers, government agencies, 
employers or others, your transactions 
with us, our affiliates or others, and 
ош website. Generally, we are allowed 
to share your financial information 
with our affiliates to market products 
or services to you. You cannot limit 
these disclosures." 


|= | Ticketmaster 


FORUM 


ЕМ 


he White House remains one of the few bastions of Cau- rence Page and Crossfire's James Carville and Tucker 
casian (mostly Protestant) males. Eventually, though, Carlson to help us predict who will be the first politician to 
that cordon will be broken. We asked the Chicago Tribune's cross the color/gender line into the Oval Office. Our odds: 


Democratic Senator, New York 
Assets: She's eamed a reputation asa tough legisiator Even 
critics seern starstruck in her presence, and her husband 
may be the best fund-raiser and political advisor in the world. 
Liabilities: Although Clinton has worked to soften her 
image. many see her more as shrew than shrewd. She and 
her husband are so despised in some circles, they'll 
‘always face take-no-prisoners opposition. 
Punditry: “To overcome her negatives she'd have to tell 
us something about herself we didn't know. We already 
know everything. | don't see her getting elected." Carlson 
"The odds are no worse than 50-50 "— Сали 

6105 


Domocratic Governor, New Mexico 
Assets: The former congressman, whose mother is Mex- 
ican, earned the nicknarne 007 for negotiating the release of 
Americans in North Korea and Iraq. He has been norninaled 
for the Nobel Peace Prize four times. 
Liabilities: He needs to upgrade his wardrobe, lose 
weight and spend more than $9 on a haircut 
Punditry: “Popular and a damn good guy. His avenue 
would probably be that someone would pick him for vice 
president. Once you are there, you are in the hunt.’ —Carville 
“Smart, smooth, спе of the most charming people in poli- 
tics. The guy 5 Waspier than Bill Buckley. —Carison 

0 to 1 


Secretary of State 
Assets: Powell has the résurné for the job— retired four- 
star general, former chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Stafi— 
and his centrist views make him a crossover candidate. 
Liabilities: He's seen as too liberal lor hard-ine conser- 
vatives and too conservative for hard-line liberals. 
Punditry: "The right wing hates hir. He'd have a much 
better chance as a Democrat."—Carvlle "He could get 
elected, butit would be herd for a guy who has been che 
rnan of the Joint Chiefs and secretary of state to sit outside 
the Pilgrim Diner in Manchester and take shitty questions 
from reporters frorn srnall-town newspapers." Carson 
15 to 1 


319 FORD JR 
Democratic Congressman, Tennessee 
Assets: Frst elected at the age of 26, Ford is a young 
(33), ambitious merrber of a Southern political dynasty. Dn 
а national scale, his good looks and cautious pditical views 
could help broaden his base beyond minority Democrats 
Liabilities: His naked arnbition and rightist approach 
may be negatives. When he vied for Democratic minority 
leader in 2002, огге powerful blacks dismissed hirn as 
“another Clarence Thornas" —that is, an Uncle Tom. 
Punditry:"He's very savvy politically. A real comer who's 
going to be around a long time."—Carville “He'd be a lot 
more rich and farnous if he were a Republican. —Page 
75401 


JEONDOLEEZZA RICE КЕП 
National Security Advisor 
Assets: She has experience in defense issues. Her narne 
has been bandied about as a replacement for VP should Dick 
Cheney leave office, which would put her one pretzel away. 
Liabilities: She has little dornestic-policy experience. 
She's a great Sunday-rnoming talk-show quest, but her 
srmarts (and Chevron ties) may пок play well in Peoria 
Punditry: "An attractive candidate. She has the right 
background in foreign policy and national defense. She 
certainly passes the qualifications threshold." Carville 
it's hard to go frorn never being elected to anything to 
being elected president. "—Carlson 
100 to 1 


Democratic Governor, Washington 

Assets: The Chinese Arnerican moderate has been called 
a Republican in а Democrat's clothing. His wife is a forrner 
television reporter, and he is close to Bill Gates, who could 
help bankroll an ambitious campaign. 

Liabilities: He will not seek a third tern, which effectively 
kils his momentum. He also may not have the gregarious- 
ness necessary to campaign on a national level. 

Punditry: “He'd be an attractive vice presidential candi- 
date."—Carville "The great Asian American hope. But he 
needs to make rnore of a national name for himself, espe- 
cially in terms of rational security. —Page 


250 to 1 


Democratic Congressman, Illinois 
Assets: He has a reputation as a bold, progressive thinker 
His most audacious ideas entail amending the Constitution 
to guarantee all Americans a job, a home and health саге 
Liabilities: The ration would have to swing hard to the 
left for him to be taken seriously. 
Punditry: “He's more of a traditional urban politician. My 
sense is he'd have to expand beyond that.'—Carville 
“Young enough to be a force down the road. He has his 
father's positives—bright, charisrnatic speaker, charming 
famüy—and almost none of his negatives, except for their 
‘mutual failure to be born white.’ —Page 

250 to1 


Clerk for а Federal Judge 
Assets: He has been called a cross between Ricky Martin 
and John E Kennedy Jr. (Bush's mother is Mexican; his fa- 
ther, Jeb, is governor of Florida) He served as youth айттап 
at he 2000 Republican Convertion, George W. Bush, the 43rd 
president, has nicknarned his nephew “45” (Jeb is “44") 
Liabilities: He's never held elected office and expresses 
distaste for he rnedia scrutiny that would come with running. 
Punditry: "A bright young тап who wouldn't be on this 
listif his name were George P Schwartz." Page "I see him 
aking pop records. It's hard to see more Bushes getting 
elected. Not that I'm opposed. "Carlson 

500 to 1 


BY JOHN D. THOMAS 


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ши. ФО CENT 


A candid conversation with the thug turned hip-hop superstar about 
getting shot, Eminem and why his feud with rap rivals could turn deadly 


All it took was nine bullets to make 50 Cent 
a legend. 

On May 24, 2000 up-and-coming rapper 
50 Cent was sitting in a car outside his 
grandmother's house iu the Queens, New York 
neighborhood of Southside Jamaica when a 
gunman drove up and fired repeatedly. Imi- 
tially the attempted murder wasn't good for 
50's career: His label, Columbia, dropped 
him immediately. But the former drug dealer 
and boxer refused to abandon his music, 
putting out four albums’ worth ој “street mix” 
CDs, sold for cheap on street corners. 

In a genre thal prizes authenticity, noth- 
i үз ‘keepin’ it real” like nine bullet 
inem, the world's biggest rapper, 
heard 50's street mixes and signed him to a 
deal with Interscope, the industry's hottest 
label, in 2002. “There's a mystique about 
him," Eminem declared. 

50 Cent, who is now 27, always had plenty 
of mystique. Born Curtis Jackson HI (he was 
named after his grandfather), he never met 
his father and was often left aloue by his 
mother, Sabrina, a low-level drug dealer in 
Queens. When Jackson was eight. his mother 
was killed at home by someone who drugged 
her drink and turned ou a gas oven, leav- 
ing her to die. The murder didn't deter her 


“You get comfortable shooting. The first 
time, you're scared to death, as scared as Ihe 
guy you're shooting at. Then it grows easier 
for you. After a while the idea of shooting 
someone doesn't bother you.” 


criminal-minded son, who was first arrested 
for dealing in high school and then in 1994 
was busted for possession of heroin, 10 
ounces of crack and a starter pistol and sen- 
tenced ta three to nine years. 

Jackson loved rap. though, and saw it as 
his route to legit riches. Naming himself 
after a well-known New York street thug, 
he began working with Jam Master Jay, 
Run-DMC's legendary DJ. On an auda- 
cious 1999 single, "How to Rob,” 50 
threatened rap heavyweights with bur- 

y. creating an image of himself as 

ss. fearless and calmly remorseless. 

When Jam Master Jay was murdered in 

2002, police questioned 50, hoping he 
might know who'd killed his mentor. 

In ils first two weeks of release in February 
2003, 50's debut, Get Rich or Die Tryin’, 
sold a remarkable 1.6 million copies. With 
sales of 6.5 million in the U.S., it was the 
top-selling CD of the year. Although 50 
Cent's appeal began with his illegal exploits 
and contentious behavior—including feuds 
with rapper Ja Rule, his Murder Inc. label 
chief Iro Gotti and jailed drug dealer Ken- 
neth “Supreme” McGriff, whom the gover 
ment suspects of having funded Murder Inc. 
to launder drug money—it spread through 


“L ain't into faggots. | don't like gay people 
around me, because Гт not comfortable with 
what their thoughts are. Гт not prejudiced. 
1 just don't go with gay people and kic 
we don't have that much in common." 


the bravado of his witty rhymes and magnetic 
hooks, which turned gangsta stories into 
pop smashes, including “In Da Club” and 
“PLMP” His album "seems to consist of 
nothing but hits,” The New York Times 
wrote. “But it's a grim party: The casual 
s about death ате his way of reminding 


“us of the price he might have to pay for his 


success—and for our entertainment.” 

PLAYBOY sent Rob Tannenbaum ѓо meet 
with 50 al the Interscope offices in Manhat- 
tan. Tannenbaum arrived unarmed. 


PLAYBOY: Are you wearing a bulletproof 
vest right now? 
lah. I took it off as I came into 


threat, huh? 

: Yeah. Plus, I don't like to make 
everybody uncomfortable. Because l'm 
from the bottom, I have a diflerent class 
of people who envy me. They have noth- 
ing to lose, so the situations can be a little 
extreme. That's the reason I wear it—just 
preparing for the worst. Biggie and Tu 
pac got shot, but if they wore the vest, it. 
would have prevented them from dying. 
PLAYBOY: When you wear the vest, can 


PHOTOGRAPHY EY BRENNAN CAVANAUGH 
“It makes law enforcement afraid, the influ- 
encel Jn my neighborhood you сан get 
somebody killed for $3.000—if 1 showed you 
ту bank account, you'd know 1 could really 
create Vietnam there at $5,000 a body.” 


61 


PIAVYEBOY 


62 


you tell it makes people uncomfortable? 
50 CENT: Absolutely. The majority of 
people who acquire the finances I have 
at this point, they come from something 
totally different. Even if they're not 
intimidated by me, they're intimidated 
by what they believe could happen 
while I'm there. When I on Colum- 
bia Records I didn't want them to Бе 
inumidated by my past, so I didn’t tell 
them who I was. 
PLAYBOY: You didn't tell them you were a 
drug dealer. 

50 CENT: But when I got shot, they be- 
came afraid of me because 1 responded 
the way that environment conditions 
you to respond: Get shot, get up, and if 
your fingers and toes still move, then 
you move forward. Getting 
shot is not a big deal where I'm 
from. Once they say "He's 
gonna make it," it's all right. 
When somebody goes to jail, a 
new face takes his place to hus- 
tle on that strip. It doesn't 
change. Because getting shot 
didn't mean as much to me, 
that made Columbia even 
more afraid of me. 

PLAYBOY. But sitting here right 
now, you seem calm and friendly. 
A lot of gangstas glare and 
shout like they might kill some- 
one any minute. 

50 CENT: That's a shield. If you 
put me in a situation where 1 
feel like 1 have no choice but to 
do something to you, it's gonna 
be done. It makes even law en- 
forcement afraid, the influence 
T've got. In my neighborhood 
you can get somebody killed for 
$5.000—if I showed you my 
bank account, you'd know I 
could really create Vietnam 
there at $5,000 a body. [laughs] 
That's what makes them pay so 
much attention to us. 

PLAYBOY: You've toured the U.S. 
Has all that travel changed you? 
50 CENT: Your outlook changes a 
litle bit, but all across the coun- 
try Гуе been subjected to the 
same things l've been subjected 
to in my neighborhood. I walk through a 
metal detector, and even though it doesn't 
go off. they still want to wand me. I'm 50 
Cent. I got an aura around me that's 
negative, and 1 don't think it's gonna 
leave. But I'm all right with it. Every- 
thing happens for a reason. Being shot 
in the face, I lost a tooth. [opens his mouth 
to show a missing tooth] Gums, too. And my 
voice changed. There's a little hiss when 
1 speak, because there's more air in my 
mouth. And this is the voice that sells 
millions of records. [laughs] I was a felon; 
now I'm a superstar. I went from noth- 
i to а hell of a lot. 1 just bought Mike 
Tyson's old house in Connecticut—18 
bedrooms. It's the biggest residential 
home on the East Coast. 


PLAYBOY: You could say that getting 
shot was the best thing that ever hap- 
pened to you. 

50 CENT: Yeah, Га still be on Columbia 
Records. Wow! They didn't understand 
what I was doing like Eminem and Dr. 
Dre did. Lyrics that Columbia might 
have asked me to change, Dre was like, 
“That's hot.” 

PLAYBOY: So getting shot made Columbia 
drop you, gave you a distinctive style 
and made you a legend. 

50 CENT: Yeah, it made me special. 
PLAYBOY: We saw four very large guys 
with you in the hallway. Who are they? 
50 CENT: Security guards. Two of them 
are armed. 

PLAYBOY: You're a convicted felon, so if 


4 


Му mom used to like women. | think 
she had a girlfriend when | was 


eight. She was really manly. 


ст caught with a gun, you'd 


ht. When Jam Master Jay 
got killed, they tied my name to that 
uation immediately. “Do you think 
somebody would kill him to send 50 a 
message?” A few years ago they thought 
1 killed two girls. The guy who actually 
Killed them had a Suzuki motorcycle, the 
same stock colors as mine. They chased 
me on my bike. 1 got away, but they got a 
perception of me in that precinct. They 
feel like I know exactly who tried to kill 
me, but they have no information on 
that from me. 

Since your jail term, have you 


carried a gı 
50 CENT: Yeah. Since my jail term Гуе 


been shot nine times. I'd rather get 
caught with a gun than get caught 
without one. 

PLAYBOY: Your life was like this even 
when you were young. Tell us about 
your mom. 

50 CENT: My moms was real aggressive. 
My mom used to like women. I think she 
had a girlfriend when I was eight years 
old. She was really manly, really tough, 
and she had to be—she was husding 
spent a lot of time with my grandmother 
even before my mother passed. 

PLAYBOY: She was murdered. 

50 CENT: She was dead for days before 
they found her. When they found her, 
her body was fucked-up. Someone put 
something in her drink and turned the 
gas on. But in my neighbor- 
hood, if you had both parents, 
you were spoiled—"You got a 
mother and a father? Oh shit!” 
PLAYBOY: Did your grandmother 
tell you how your mom died? 
50 CENT: | got what happened 
later. My grandmother was 
uncomfortable even saying 
that my mother liked girls. 
PLAYBOY: She didn't like the 
word lesbian? 

50 CENT: Well, not lesbian. 1 
don't know what you call it—bi- 
sexual? I’m here, so it had to be 
bi. [laughs] But 1 think thats 
why I don't pass judgment on 
people. I ain't into faggots. I 
don't like gay people around 
me, because I'm not comfort- 
able with what their thoughts 
are. Гт not prejudiced. I just 
don't go with gay people and 
kick it—we don't have that 
much in common. I'd rather 
hang out with a straight dude. 
But women who like women, 
that's cool. I could actually get 
into that, having a woman who 
likes women too. We might 
have more in common. 
PLAYBOY: You use the word fag- 
got in your songs, too. Can you 
refer to gay men as faggots 
and also say that you're not 
prejudiced? 

50 CENT: It's okay to write that I'm preju- 
diced. This is as honest as 1 could pos 
bly be with you. When people become 
celebri they change the way they 
spcak. But my conversation with you is 
exactly the way I would have a conversa- 
tion on the street. We refer to gay people 
as faggots, as homos. It could be disre- 
spectful, but that's the facts. 

PLAYBOY: What was the enduring impact 
of losing your mother so young? 

50 CENT: | never knew my father, so I 
used losing her as an excuse. Every 
time something was wrong I'd think, If 
my mother was here, it wouldn't be like 
that. When I got shot, my son was in 
the house—so he he: me get shot. 
I'm sure it altered him. The average 


kid doesn't go through that. 
PLAYBOY: You once said, "Emotionally 
Vm like 
50 CENT: My most comfortable fi 
If my feelings are hu 
gs don't go my way, І get angry. 
people get killed around us, and in- 
stead of crying we get mad. I had four 
or five friends get killed in 2003, and I 
didn't cry. If Td stayed in the hood, Га 
have been one of those five. 

PLaY&OY: Did you ever meet your dad? 
50 CENT: No. I don't even want to meet 
him. I already missed the part where 
your father would be helpful. I'm a 
grown-assed man. 

PLAYBOY: What did your mom tell you 
about him? 

50 СЕМЕ She told me 1 was born through 
immaculate conception: "You don't have 
a father. You were born through immac- 
ulate conception, like Jesus." It made me 
feel good not to have a father. 

PLAYBOY: Describe the area of Queens 
where you grew up. 

50 CENT: You could be in that neighbor- 
hood and not get in trouble, but trou- 
ble's there for you to get into. When you 
put people on top of people, it's that 
crabs-in-a-barrel theory. Rats in a box. 
Eventually they starve and start eating 
each other. Somebody's gonna take what 
you've got—unless you become the 
biggest problem. If you're not the biggest 
problem, you're in danger. When you're 
the biggest problem, there's nothing to 
fear, because everybody else is occupied 
with staying out of that zone. So the ob- 
ject is to be the biggest fucking problem 
in the neighborhood. 

PLAYBOY: When you started dealing, at 
12, where did you get the drugs? 

50 CENT: 1 was uncomfortable asking my 
grandparents for certain things. Ihey 
raised their kids at a time when Pro- 
Keds cost $10. When I was a kid the new 
Jordans were more than $100. The peo- 
ple I met while I was with my mother, 
they had jewelry and nice cars. They 
gave me three and a half grams—an 
eight ball. That's the truth. The same 
money I would've paid for those Jor- 
dans. Sometimes when you ask for lish, 
people give you a pole. 

PLAYBOY: Why would they give cocaine to 
a 12-year-old? 

50 CENT: Because | was Sabrina's little 
boy. No mother, no father—they didn't 
sce grandparents in my life. 

PLAYBOY: Did you sell it? Cut it? Cook it? 
50 CENT: I didn't know what to do with it. 
Kids from my neighborhood helped me 
the first couple of times. Then I did it 
myself because I was eager. 1 could hus- 
tle only after school. I told my grandpar- 
ents I was in an after-school program 
PLAYBOY: And in a way, you меге 

50 CENT: I was in a special program 
[laughs] Once you get one person com- 
fortable dealing with you, that turns into 
two, three, four people. As 1 got into ju- 
nior high school I started hustling often. 


FIVE WHO HATE 50 


What's а rapper without enemies? A look at 50 Cent's hit list 


ЈА RULE 

Bad blood: Back in 1999 a friend of 
50 Cent's relieved Ja Rule of his jewelry, 
and things have only escalated since. 
Ја and 50 Cent have gotten in each 
other's faces at least twice—one incident 
resulted in an associate of Ja's stabbing 
50 (who insists it was just a nick). But 
the two rappers trade most of their jabs 
in interviews and on albums. Enemy 
firepower: fists, knives, thugs, com- 
plicit journalists, lyric sheets. 


NYPD 

Bad blood: In 1994 then-19-year-ald 
50 Cent was arrested for selling crack to 
an undercover narc, beginning a long 
relationship with the NYPD. After Jam 
Master Jay was murdered in 2002, New 
York cops wondered if his death was 
related to the rapper's rivalry with Murder 
Inc. 50 claims the NYPD is harassing him 
because “they would prefer to lock me up 
than see me do well.” Enemy firepower: 
badges, search warrants, SWAT teams. 


LIE KIM 

Bad blood: 50 mocked Lil’ Kim for 
getting а nose job in the song "Love Me.” 
The two later recorded а duet, "Magi: 
Stick," but then 50 pissed Kim off agoin 
by refusing to appear in the video. After 
50 rapped about their beef on a radio 
show, someone fired shots at him. The 
New York Daily News theorized that Lil’ 
Kim's boyfriend, Damion Hardy, was 
involved. Enemy firepower: а filthy 
mouth, a protective boyfriend 


KENNETH McGRIFF 
Bad blood: The drug-gang kingpin 
once controlled the streets where 50 
grew up, and the IRS claims he is also 
the true owner of Murder Inc. The feds 
believe McGriff engineered the attempt 
on 50's life because of his feud with 

Ја Rule. McGriff is currently serving 37 
months in prison on a parole violation 
Enemy firepower: bulldog lawyers, 
loyal subjects, a reputation for keeping 
people in line. 


VIVICA A. FOX 

Bad blood: During his acceptance speech 
at a 2003 awards show, 50 thanked the 
sexy actress for wearing o revealing dress. 
Soon afterward they were spotled 
canoodling on both coasts. Depending on 
whom you want to believe, either she grew 
jealous of other women lovishing attention 
on him, or he resented being used by her 
management to promote her career. 
Enemy firepower: 50's phone number, 
breasts that never дии. —PATTY LAMBERTI 


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PLAYBOY: Selling what? 

50 CENT: Crack. A little heroin. My aunts 
and uncles would have a party, and like 
weed today, so many people used co- 
caine, it wasn't looked at like a drug 
They would say, “Со get some cocaine.” 
They didn't know | already had it. 
PLAYBOY: You did buy-one-get-one-free 
promotions. 

50 CENT: And I only called it “buy one, get 
one free” because they were calling it 
“two for $5” on the next block. I was try- 
ing to make it different. | was marketing! 
Fiends want something free, so use the 
word free. It's better than “two for $5." 
PLAYBOY: Did it worl 
50 CENT: Hell yes, it worked. And I made 
the pieces bigger. Some guys made small 
pieces and figured they would make a 
huge profit. But it takes them longer го 
sell the pieces. I made the pieces huge, 
and they started coming from down the 
block. All the pieces would sell the same 
day, and Га accumulate more mone 
PLAYBOY: You were arrested for bringing 
drugs to school. 

50 CENT: After | got caught 1 had to tell 
my grandma. She asked me if the 
charges were true, and 1 don't lie to my 
grandma. As crazy as it sounds, I felt like 
T got caught because I was hiding it from 
her. I told her I did it, and I told her I 
was going to keep doing it. She was up- 
set. She was hurt. She said, "Don't call 
here when you get in trouble." 

PLAYBOY: That seems pretty heavy for a 
teenager. 

50 CENT: Older dudes in our neighbor- 
hood were way worse. They were rob- 
bing banks; they would kidnap each 
other. They tried to rob me one night in 
front of my grandmother's house. I was 
19 and had bought a 400 SE Mercedes- 
Benz. I got to the front door, and the 
sliding door of a cargo van opened. 
They had a shotgun. I jumped over the 
porch and ran for a gun in the backyard. 
Pow! 1 got away from them, though 
There's a strong possibility they 
would've killed me. 

PLAYBOY: Did you ever use the gun you 
hid in your grandmother's yard? 

50 CENT: The first time I ever shot some- 
body, 1 was in junior high school. I was 
coming out of a project building—1 ain't 
gonna tell you where. I was going to see 
this girl. I had my uncle's jewelry on, 
and two kids decided to rob me. This 
kid was like, “Yo, c'mere, let me holler 
at you." As I turned around they all 
started pouring out of the lobby. It had 
to be 15 people stepping to me to rob 
me. I had a little .380 six-shot pistol, 
and I didn't even look. I just spun 
around bangin’. Pop-pop-pop-pop-pop! 
Shot and just kept runnin’. 

PLAYBOY: Did you hit anybody? 

50 CENT: Yeah, I hit one of 'em. And that 
encouraged the next situation. After 
that, you get comfortable shooting. The 
first time, you're scared to death, as 
scared as the guy you're shooting at. 


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Then it grows easier for you. Every- 
body has a conscience. You say to your- 
self, Man, he was gonna do something to 
me. Then it's like, I don't give a fuck, 
whatever. After a while the idea of 
shooting someone doesn't bother you. 
PLAYBOY: How many other times have 
you shot someone? 

50 CENT: | don't even wanna talk about 
shooting people. But ГИ tell you, there 
were a couple of other situations where 
there were exchanges back and forth 
PLAYBOY: Did you get caught? 

50 CENT: Ninety percent of the time the 
police ain't that good. The only way they 
know is if they catch you on the scene. 
They've got people who are supposed to 
understand criminal thinking, but how 
do you understand a criminal's thinking 
when the person who did it didn't think? 
PLAYBOY: Á few years ago, in the song “50 
Shot Ya,” you hinted that you had killed 
two people. Have you ever killed anyone? 
50 CENT: Nah. No. 

PLAYBOY: Are you telling the truth? 

50 CENT: Honestly, | wouldn't say if I had. 
Because the case doesn't go away, no 
matter what year it was. If they get wind, 
you're going away forever. 

PLAYBOY: You say everybody has a 
conscience. Does your conscience ever 
bother you? 

50 CENT: Gangsta is something that hap- 
pened to me. That's not the way my 
grandmother raised me to be. That's the 
way the hood made me. You see a kid 
who isn't doing well in school and you 
tell him, "Yo, if you do good for eight 
more years, you could have a car." Then 
he finds out he can get a car in six 
months by running in the streets, and it 
feels like the way to go. 

Did hustling make you more 
popular with girls? 

50 CENT: Hell yeah. In the hood, your 
success is on wheels. It’s about your ap- 
pearance. When you first start, every- 
body is hustling for clothes, a different 
pair of sneakers every day so you're 
fresh all the time. 

PLAYBOY: How old were you when you 
lost your virginity? 

50 CENT: Like 15 n't shy 
“uy again." No means she's in a relation- 
ship right now, but you try again when 
she's upset with him. A lot of pimps 
think like that too. 

PLAYBOY: You boxed when you were a 
kid. What did you learn from that? 

50 CENT: After you box a little bit, you're 
conscious of your opponent's actions 
And you're less emotional because you 
fight every day. So the fight doesn't 
mean as much. You're not fighting an- 
gry. You're fighting to win the fight, even 
in the street. I don't have to seem upset 
to react. If you say something and I feel 
like you should be punched in the face 
for it, my actions might not show you 
that I'm going to hit you. I'll punch you, 
and then we'll start fighting. 

PLAYBOY: When you were dealing, did 


No means 


you also do drugs? 
50 CENT: No. I stayed away. My homeys 
used to buy weed, bag it up and smoke 
the profits. These niggas were stupid 
"They smoked the whole shit. 
PLAYBOY: "In Da Club" is about being 
drunk on champagne, and “High All the 
Time” is about love for weed. But you 
don't really like drugs or booze. 
50 CENT: It doesn't bother me to be 
around people who smoke weed, but I 
don't do it. I've been drunk only twice in 
my life—from champagne. That shit 
sneaks up on you! Those two times are 
what kept me away from it. I grew up in 
a house where my uncles and aunts, they 
had problems. They'd get drunk drunk 
One time my uncle got drunk, and these 
old-timers said, “I bet you can't move 
that block of ice from there to there." He 
took the bet, picked up the ice, moved it. 
But it was dry ice. Burned the skin off 
fucking hands 
PLAYBOY: Do you believe drugs should be 
legalized? 
50 CENT: Hell no, they shouldn't legalize 
drugs. That won't work here. Weed is 
the hustler's drug to sell. You can have 
five pounds before it’s a felony. A one- 
pound bag is still just a misdemeanor. 
Let them change the laws for weed to 
the same laws for cocaine, and people 
won't smoke that shit no more. 
PLAYBOY: At the height of your hustling, 
how much were you making? 
50 CENT: Like $5,000 a day. 1 had a crack 
house on 160th Street with buckets of 
acid, so if the cops came, you would just 
push everything off the table into the 
bucket and there'd be no evidence. 
PLAYBOY: In July 1994 you got caught 
with heroin and crack. Неге a copy of 
the plea bargain you signed. What were 
you thinking when you signed it? 
50 CENT: My lawyer said, “ГИ get you out in 
six months.” I said, “What? Give it here.” I 
copped out right away, because they found 
alotof shitin the house, and I thought the 
sentence would be a lot worse. I got arrest- 
ed with 500 grams of cocaine 
PLAYBOY: Instead of going to prison, you 
were sentenced to a shock-incarceration 
facility. What's that? 
50 CENT: It's boot camp, a lot of physical 
training starting at five in the morning. I 
had to accept a drill sergeant screaming 
in my face. You can not accept him 
screaming in your face and go do three 
to nine years in jail, or you can let them 
say what they gotta say and do six 
months. It's an easy decision. I was sen 
tenced to three to nine years in jail. B 
cause it was a nonviolent charge, 1 
turned it into something a little easier 
PLAYBOY: Is that when you started rap- 
ping and first met up with your mentor, 
Jam Master Jay? 
50 CENT: The whole time, I was like, Yo, 1 
got to figure out something I can do. 
And I loved writing music. The whole 
object when I was hustling, when I was 
(continued on page 139) 


WAY OVER HIS 


7 Michael Keaton Michael Caine 


| 


Michael Keaton and 2-time Academy 
Awardo winner Michael Caine star in this 
heart-pounding crime thriller. Set up by a group 
of international criminals, a man falsely accused 
of a high profile assassination must become a 
fugitive from justice to prove his innocence. 


DVD SPECIAL FEATURES* INCLUDE 
Talent Interviews * Full Screen and 
Widescreen Versions • 5.1 Dolby Digital Audio 
Optional Spanish Subtitles « and More! 


AVAILABLE MARCH 16 ON ZY? | 


www arisanent.com 
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ton ir еа we Ecce. Mea Cube, eet apr Жез, 190 Па О 

А ый Юй, Aa Ar Sit орап Die © 202 Orr Мата. 
Париска Gm Ca V Вера Kû Rigs Reve 


CURSE 
OF THE 
DOUBLE 
EAGLE 


NEVER BEFORE HAS A SINGLE GOLD PIECE INSPIRED SUCH FEVERISH DESIRE AMONG MEN—OR 
HELD SUCH DISASTROUS CONSEQUENCES. A RARE LOOK AT THE WORLD'S MOST EXPENSIVE COIN 


BY BRYAN CHRISTY 


All eyes turn forward as David Redden, 
Sotheby's vice chairman and top auctioneer, 
mounts his pulpit. A silver-haired man with 
large ears and dark eyes, he adjusts his 
microphone and picks up his gavel. It is July 
30, 2002. A congregation of millionaires 
sits in rows of padded chairs for an auction 
more than half a century in the making. 
There are no cheap seats tonight—it's stand- 
ing room only for the relative unfortunates 
crowded in the back of the main Sotheby's 
salesroom. In the gallery's 12 private sky- 
boxes, a few guests have drawn the curtains. 
Others sip wine in plain view. 

Onstage, a pedestal holds a glinting 
circle of metal less than an inch and 
a half in diameter. It is the only 
item up for bid: a $20 U.S. gold 
coin dated 1933—the legendary 
Saint-Gaudens double eagle || 
(“Saint-Gaudens” after its de- 
signer, “double eagle" because 
$10 coins are known as eagles). 


Digital counters loom above the stage to 
track the bidding in dollars, euros and 
pounds. "This will not be a long sale," Red- 
den announces. “It will be a great moment.” 

Redden's specialty is selling the rarest of 
the rare. He has taken 130 crates of bones 
and sold them as the most complete Tyran- 
nosaurus rex in history. He has flogged Soviet 
space suits and capsules. He has even auc- 
tioned off the deed to a lunar rover that will 
most likely never return to earth. Most of all, 
though, he traffics in stories. 

The key to selling rarities is provenance: 
Who owned it and how badly do you want 
your name added to the list? An ob- 
ject's story is what gives it value. 
Tonight's coin has a provenance 
as great as any coin in American 

history: Nearly 70 years ago it 
was stolen from the U.S. Mint. 
According to the auction cat- 
alog, *no 1933 double eagle 
' could, or can, Бе legitimately 


RER ЕЧР 


[ « 


PHOTOGRAPH BY RICHARD IZUI 


owned by any individual—unril this one. 
Until now.” Apart from two 1933 double 
cagles on display at the Smithsonian, Red- 
den's coin is believed to be the only onc of 
its type, for decades rumored to exist only 
in the back rooms of the most devout col- 
lectors. Tonight the U.S. Mint is a Sothe- 
by's client. Together they have spread the 
word of the coin's dark, illegitimate = 
passage through the vaults of 
wealthy and unscrupulous 
mena history of personal 
berrayals, lost fortunes 42 
and intrigue. Only fleet- 
ing reference is made to 
more recent crimes— 
how it was smuggled 
into the country, 
how the British coin 
dealer who will 
walk away with 
half the money to- 
night was once led 
from the Waldorf- 
Astoria hotel in 
handcuffs—and the 
auction catalog соп- 
tains just one mention 
of the wiretaps and the 
undercover sting that 
brought the coin ro light. 
Redden and his team 
have spent months turning the 
coin into a star, emphasizing its si 
y and mystery. Mart Lauer wears 
loves to hold it on the Today show. 
The New York Times gives a photograph 
of the coin the entire upper fold of its 
Metropolitan section. During its public 


relations tour, the double eagle travels by | 


armored car, airplane, train and limousine 
convoy, protected alternately by the U.S. 
Secret Service, U.S. Mint police, Federal 
Reserve Bank security, New York City po- 
lice, the California Highway Patrol, the 
U.S. Army and corporate security teams. 


dled an ounce of gold, and this one, 
shining in the spotlight, seems especially 
ethereal. Experts call it the most remark- 
able coin ever produced in America—the 
Mona Lisa of coins, the Holy Grail. Up 


у 


ИР 


A rarity revealed; This 1933 double eagle inspired 
passion, desperation and greed in top collectors. 


close, however, the coin seems fairly un- 
remarkable. On the face, a zaftig Lady 
erty, thick-limbed and masculine, 
strides forward. She holds a freedom 
torch in her right hand, an olive branch 
in her left. The tip of her nose is a Ыг 


1 worn, and one leg is scratched and pitted. 


COIN DEALING IS A SCREW-THE-WIDOW PROFESSION. 
FOR A DEALER, THE BIG MONEY COMES WHEN A 
WIDOW OR GRANDKIDS WANT TO GET RID OF THOSE 
DUSTY TRAYS THEY FOUND IN A SAFE-DEPOSIT BOX. 


Ir is given its own room at Fort Knox. 

By the night of the Sotheby's auc 
tion, any collector wealthy enough co 
buy his dreams wants the 1933 double 
eagle, Now Redden will stoke that pas- 
sion in $100,000 increments. He starts at 
$2.5 million. Bids flow in from the floor. 

“Two million eight on the right,” 
Redden says. 

Most Americans have never han- 


Though her hair still snakes in the wind, + 


she doesn’t glimmer as much as an u 
touched coin in a collector's уаш 
a woman of secrets, a woman 
power to turn men to crime. 
Like the Maltese Falcon, she repre- 


+ sents all things to the men who have 


$ handled her in the past six yea 


: wealth, 
power, fame—often all three. And like 
that mythical object, she has corrupted 


И who have come in contact with her. 
i As it turns out, Redden is about to 
drop the hammer on what may be the 
| biggest coin scam in history. The object on 
| display this evening may or may пог be 
| the сот Redden and company have led 
| everyone to believe it is. And in an irony 
| consistent with the coin's history, a felon 
will sell the government's stolen 
The government auction- 
т, Sotheby's principal owner 
Alfred Taubman, will report 
to federal prison the 
, Morning after the sale 
because of a price- 
fixing scandal. All of 
which only enhances 
the true account of 
the 1933 double 
eagle, the one that 
ncver made its way 
into the papers. Irs 
an astonishing tale 
of deception and 
double-dealing, 
proving that money 
changes everything— 
even the law. 
= Nine minutes after 
he began, Redden slams 
СО down his gavel on the win- 
EAM ning bid of $6.6 million. The 
buyer is anonymous. Including 
13 percent in buyer's fees and $20 
tagged on to mark the face value of the 
" сот, Redden has just shattered the 
ı world record for a coin sold ar public 
ı auction: $7,590,020, 
Someone now owns a very odd story. 


THE BAIT 
On December 8, 1995, an unseason- 
ably warm day in Amarillo, Texas, 
‚ agent Dave Freriks of the U.S. Secret 
‚ Service pulled up to the Santa Fe 
Restaurant & Bar. Shortly before lunch- 
time, Freriks, all six feet and 230 
pounds of him, lifted himself out of his 
ı саг and walked up to a white Cadillac 
ı DeVille idling in the parking lot. A 
| farm boy who left the family spread in 
1957 for a career in criminal justice, 
Freriks headed the two-agent Lubbock 
100 miles го the south, and dealt 
mostly with counterfeiting, tax dodges 
by the Texas militia and computer 


s | crimes. His sole brush with the big time 


came after John Hinckley shot Presi- 
dent Ronald Reagan: Within hours 
Freriks had gathered Hinckley's 
academic records from Texas Tech. 
The driver of the Cadillac got out 
and presented his ID to the agent. 
Freriks groaned inwardly at the manu- 


factured drama of the move. The man 
was Jack Moore. a retired truck driver 
and an occasional source for an ЕВЕ 

gent Freriks knew. In the preceding 
days, Moore had been in contact with 
Freriks about a story involving a stolen 
coin. Currency-related crimes were a 
case for the Secret Service, nor the FBI 
so Freriks made the drive. 

Moore, a short man with a Texas- 
size belly, looked ro be in his late 50s. Не 
led Freriks inside the restaurant, reflex- 
ively saving hello to strangers. They 
took a table in the back corner and 


ordered chicken fajitas. Within an hour 
Freriks's ears were tired. Moore called 
him “friend” within minutes and clearly 
relished being in the company of an 
agent. He said he grew up poor. Said he 
was a retired truck driver for Groendyke 
Transport. Said he was a former Las 
Vegas limo driver—for a debt collector. 
Oh, and a gun dealer, 
More to the point, thous 
sideline was coins—didn't collect them 
himself bur loved to deal them. His 


Moore's 


crowning achievement was collecting for 
his former boss, John Groendyke. It 


happened by chance: One day he noticed 
a strange and beautiful gold coin on 
Groendvke's desk—a 1908 Saint-Gau- 
dens double eagle. Groendyke, an Okla- 
homa trucking magnate, had bought it 
to commemorate his father's birth vear. 

Groendyke was а coin dealer's 
dream—a man with deep resources and 
scant сот knowledge. Moore decided 
to give him an imprompru lesson in nu- 
mismarics. You can't do berrer than a 
Saint-Gaudens double eagle, Moore 
told him, praising the сот. With excite- 
ment he pointed out its lifelike Lady 


MONEY NOBODY WANTED 


eee 


THREE-CENT PIECE | 20-CENT PIECE 


SUSAN В. ANTHONY ZINC PENNY 
DOLLAR Не peren 


Far andin сотой of Berri 
an of SX and ther alpine tonsil, 
BEE 
tol Sita бы des hy menden 
аме and pris, туб md dakart: 


ai me 020 Goll ri, erm asa 
“Gaulle Nagle and dated 1933,and 
tah a the Mashed Пар Mit ob 
бран 2085. 


The Unitel Fh toe hated 
rti posten de nf 03V iui 130 
Зы Cagle anthenced te bersmed.thatne 
ether 1833 deel $20 Саб Eagle {ы exer 
Keen ted, and hee othe 1333 dad 390 
Ga Eagle has ever бил mande. 
Жой. he pe sitemas tat rent ix 


H iak loha safed arii луулар 


лаа отр paler here, 
озб тә pre Unit Fiats, 
глоби any wher 1933 оо Bayle 
Mat may олі ther on Kasten 
атаб the Uns Fontes Mt arges 
and ate e ов f min. 


An expensive piece of paper: With this document, the US. Mint and Sotheby's legitimized the sale of a stolen coin. 


Liberty and the delicate rays of sunlight 
surrounding her. The double eagle was 
the biggest American coin, he ex- 
plained, the most valuable by sheer 
weight and the most beautiful. Com- 
missioned by Teddy Roosevelt and de- 
signed by America’s greatest sculptor, 
Augustus Saint-Gaudens, the double 
eagle entered circulation in 1907 and 
ended with the 1932 run, after Franklin 
D. Roosevelt ended the gold-coin pro- 
gram. Groendyke was thrilled and saw 
the shining gold piece in his fingers in a 
new light. Bitten by the collecting bug, 
he hired Moore and a partner to assem- 
ble a complete set of the $20 gold coins. 
Under Moore's guidance, Groendyke 
collected 53 unique examples in three 
years. Moore pur the collection's value 
at nearly $2 million. 

Freriks caught himself before he 
was completely sucked in. Here he was, 
meeting with a fast-talking guy in the 
middle of nowhere, listening to him 
ramble on about obscure coins as if they 
were buried treasure. What was the 
crime, he asked, and—more impor- 

how was Moore involved? 
The other day, Moore told him, a 
сот dealer їп Missouri named Jay Par 
rino had offered him a 1933 double ea- 
gle. Freriks didn't have the faintest idea 
what Moore was getting at. Didn't he 
just say the last double cagle was mint- 
ed in 1932? Moore explained that 1933 
coins were made, bur they were all sup- 
posedly melted down ar FDR's order. 
Moore took our a book he had brought 
with him, R.S. Ycoman's A Guide Book 
of United States Coms—the Red Book 
to coin dealers. He leaned across the 
table. "See there, where it savs ^none 


rant 


placed in circulation'?" he asked. "That 


means it’s illegal.” Freriks understood. | 


Even 60 years after the fact, owning the 
1933 double eagle would be equal to 
possessing stolen government prop- 
erty—a particularly valuable piece of 
government property. 

When lunch ended, Moore gave 
Freriks photocopies of his Red Book and 
articles about the coin and Parrino from 


Sotheby's auctioneer David Redden directs the bidding. 


The Numismatist and Coin World. And 
to make sure he had Freriks hooked, he 
dropped his bomb. Parrino, Moore 
claimed, was a mobster, 


THE TARGET 

Back in Lubbock, Freriks sent word to 
Washington and asked for files related 
to the 1933 double eagle. Then he dug 
into the material from Moore and made 
inquiries abour Jay Parrino. 

Parrino was elusive. By Freriks's 
account, he seemed to have appeared 
out of nowhere in the lare 1980s to be 
come one of the leading figures in coin 
collecting. He took our full-page ads in 
enthusiast magazines, boasting millions 
of dollars in rare coins, Clearly he was a 


superstar in this strange world. He once 
outbid Dennis Rodman for an 1 sil 
ver trade dollar ($907,500). He owned 
onc of only seven Brasher doubloons, an 
American Revolution-era coin made fa- 
mous by Raymond Chandler's novel The 
High Window. He signed autographs for 
strangers at coin shows. He was 49, he 
was aggressive, and he had a seemingly 
endless supply of money and unknown 
big clients. He was Italian American and 
under investigation by the IRS. Freriks's 
interest was piqued. 

When information on the 1933 
double eagle arrived from Washington, 
Freriks spent days poring over it in his 
bulletproof office. The coin had once 
been a major case for the Secret Ser- 
vice. According to U.S, Mint records, 
445,500 double eagles were made in 
1933, and all Биг two sent to the Smith: 
sonian were melted down into gold bars 
by 1938. Or so the official story went. 
Then, to the astonishment of the Secret 
Service, a genuine 1933 double eagle 
popped up at a coin auction in New 
York in 1944. Apparently a Philadelphia 
Mint employee had stolen a small Биг 
undetermined number of coins, and 
when he and his fence were questioned, 
they yielded little. In the years after 1944 
the Secret Service aggressively pursued 
stolen 1933 coins, tracking down deal- 
ers who had contact with the man who 
had fenced the coins. One after another 
they turned over their coins and then 
their friends—no one wanted to lose his 
coin and make another's that much 
more valuable. Agents discovered that 
the giants of American numismatics— 
wealthy, politically connected men—had 
a sweet tooth for the 1933 coin. The 
prices they paid suggested the men knew 
something was wrong in the rare coin's 
past, yet they bought it anyway. 

Freriks was not surprised. Rich 
people always seemed to need the one 
thing they couldn't have. On paper the 
coin men were genteel even when they 
sucd to keep their coins (and lost) 

By the end of 1952 the Secret Ser 
vice had confiscated and melted down 
nine coins. A 10th coin had left the 
country after a Texas coin dealer sold it 
to King Farouk of Egypt. In 1954, after 
Farouk was overthrown, Sotheby's tried 
to sell his coin for the new Egyptian gov 
ernment. The U.S. State Department 
protested, and the com was removed 


from auction. That was the last official 
sighting of one of rhe stolen coins. If a 
1933 coin had escaped the U.S. govern- 
ment’s dragnet, it would be rare indeed. 

(continued on page 78) 


“Please remove your dress and panties for the examination, but leave on the 
shoes and fishnel stockings.” 


71 


72 


e've always thrilled to the sight of beautiful girls moving to the music on the dance floor. Lately, however, 

we've been noticing more and more women who lay down the grooves themselves. The club DJ booth, 

long a bastion of male spinners, has suddenly become a much hotter place. Female DJs are taking over the 

turntables, turning up the volume and making heads bob with more than just their beats. So what hap- 

pened when we put out a call for the sexiest she-jays in the land? Let's just say we're glad they take 
requests. Whether they specialize in techno, tribal, house, hip-hop, retro or electro, these girls all rock—and think it's fine if 
sex appeal is part of what's raising the temperature on the dance floor. One mix minx, DJ Tuesdae, even spins topless. “Most 
likely I'll die young and go to hell and party with metal bands for eternity," she says. While we catch our breath, we can't help 
but wonder if the uninhibited dance-floor antics ever spill into the booth. DJ Snezana volunteers this tidbit: "When | was 
spinning in Tokyo, a young model from the U.S.—she's famous now—got body-painted in my booth and simulated an orgasm 
to a song. Wicked!” No matter if you prefer your music on low or loud, our vinyl-loving vixens will make your head spin. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY ARNY FREYTAG 


This beauty of the booth 
spins house tunes in L.A. 
that "move your soul and 
grab your insides," she 
says. "I need an edge 
that is spiraling, and ГИ 
deejay until I'm deaf. My 
intensity is scary, so 
you've got to be able to 
take it. Grab it and claim 
it, boy! | am a goddess.” 


"т a press whore," 
asserts this Hollywood 
scenester. "Everything 
l've achieved has been 
the result of my fierce 
ambition and grand 
delusions. Come get 
lost in my rock and roll. 
Love the pole and the 
hole. Let the good 
times roll!" 


This Atlanta turntable 
temptress and singer 
has some naughty 
road stories: "In Aruba 
these dancers were 
pouring beer down 
their asses, and guys 
were standing be- 
tween their legs, drink- 
ing it. Gross but cool.” 


Don't doubt this New 
York City-based deity's 
skills. “There is nothing 
I cannot play,” she says. 
"It's just a matter of 
how | mix it in. I'm hav- 
ing a good time. I'd 
love to work with Dr. 
Dre, so if you're reading 
this, Dre, holla at me!" 


Snezana was born in 
Yugoslavia, went to 
school in Australia, 
married a tiger handler 
she met in Tokyo and 
now spins in Miami. 
"I'm a rock chick at 
heart," she says, "but 
I love house, electro- 
clash and hip-hop.” 


GROOVE WITH MORE OF THESE 
(JS AT CYBER PLAYBOYCOM. 


This gem grew up in Hawaii 
and developed a clothing 
line before moving to Man- 
chester, U.K. and discover- 
ing techno. “San Diego is 
my home base,” she says. 
"I've put out four CDs and 
have one coming out in ear- 
ly 2004 with my DJ partner, 
Tatiana. | see myself doing 
this for the rest of my life— 
I'll be the granny DJ." 


"| started deejaying at my 
fourth birthday party,” says 
Ines Pardo, who lives in Los 
Angeles. “Back then | would 
close the door to my room 
and dance for hours.” Be- 
fore she became a mix mas- 
ter, Ines studied modern 
dance and traveled the 
world as a model. “Now | 
help organize fashion shows 
with kids in my hometown." 


PEAT Oe 


78 


DOUBLE EAGLE 


(continued from page 70) 


"I can get my guy to wire 
hands me a briefcase with 


$1.5 million if somebody 
some cash in и." 


Agent Freriks was fired up. After a 
time, so were his bosses in D.C. This 
wasn't just about а coin; this was about 
stolen government property. If Parrino 
were caught with the double eagle, he 
could go to jail. At a minimum he'd 
lose the coin—and a lot of money. With 
six months to retirement, Freriks de- 
cided to launch the biggest case of his 
career. If he handled it right, he would 
solve a multimillion-dollar mystery. That, 
he thought, would be historically cool. 

Moore, meanwhile, was bent on plac- 
ing himself at the center of the case. He 
laced his facts about the coin with 
stories about Parrino and organized 
crime. He said Parrino was rumored to 
be connected to money launderers and 
Las Vegas underworld figures. When 
Freriks said he doubted Moore was in it 


just to rid the coin business of a “black 


mark," Moore switched gears. He told 
Freriks that Parrino had once cheated 
him on a $5,000 commission. Freriks's 
doubts ebbed: Revenge is a more typi- 
cal motive for an informant. 

Moore became Secret Service Сопй- 
dential Informant 324-15. 

In an auction, as the saying goes, all 
you need is two people who want 
something. In a con, all you need is 
one. U.S. Secret Service agent Dave 
Freriks wanted Jay Parrino. And Jack 
Moore knew it. 


THESETUP 


Moore had dealt with Parrino more 
than a dozen times. Parrino—short, 
with smoothed hair and a rumbling 
voice—was the best dealer he knew for 
truly unique American coins. His 
prices were high. He was wily, too. At. 
one point Moore and his former boss 
Groendyke hired Parrino to buy an 
unusual coin anonymously in Chicago. 
According to Moore, Parrino reported 
that the coin wasn't up to their stan- 
dards. Then he bought it for himself, 
had it regraded and sold it to the two 
men ata $76,000 markup. Parrino claims 
he never went to Chicago for Moore 
and Groendyke. “Everything that comes 
ош of Moore’s mouth is a lie,” he says. 

Freriks obtained legal authority for 
Moore to record his telephone conver- 
sations with Parrino. Sitting on the 
edge of his bed, using his granddaugh- 
ter's tape recorder and а suction-cup 
microphone, Moore talked to Parrino 
about the weather, his Christmas plans 
and money. Moore loved taping his 
calls. In fact, beginning on December 


13, 1995 and conunuing long past the 
close of the sting operation, Moore 
recorded his conversations with 
Freriks, too. 

MOORE: It's immaterial to you or the 
people you represent what I make off 
of him, isn’t it? 

FRERIKS: That's correct. We don't 
care what your cut is. 

MOORE: All right. In other words, if 1 
say, "When we make this deal and we 
see the coin and the wire transfer is 
coming down, you hand me a briefcase 
with a hundred grand in it." You don't 
care, do you? 

FRERIKS: Right. 

MOORE: Okay. 

FRERIKS: You mean that's gonna be 
your cut from him? 

MOORE: He does people like that all 
the time. 

FRERIKS: [Surprised] So he's gonna be 
handing you a hundred thousand just 
for setting this thing up? 

MOORE: Maybe. Who kn 
it’s immaterial to you, isn’ 

FRERIKS: Well, it's immaterial to me, 
but whether or not you get to keep it is 
something else. 

Moore was in it for the money. “I 
mean, here's my position,” he told 
Freriks on December 18, 1995. “If you 
want me to help you with a longtime 
deal to get this guy for all the other 
stuff he's done and everything, ГИ 
work with a different kind of deal...but 
if this is just a onetime deal, I want to 
make something out of it.” 

It was typical informant bullshit— 
every coin dealer has a little larceny in 
his heart, he thought. Freriks kept his 
eye on the target. He instructed Moore 
to offer Parrino $750,000. Moore had 
other ideas. It was ridiculous to lowball 
a price the government would never 
pay. When Parrino suggested $1.5 mil- 
lion, Moore responded, “We would like 
to pay less,” but he didn't fuss. 

Moore and Parrino were now part- 
ners, middlemen in the transaction, 
with Moore representing an unknown 
Texas buyer, Parrino the invisible Eu- 
ropean seller. "What's the most money 
we can give to these guys?” Parrino 
asked Moore on December 18 as large 
snowflakes fell outside both men’s homes. 
There were four inches in Amarillo 
and one in Independence, Missouri. 

Coin dealing is a scrcw-the-widow 
profession. For average dealers, the big 
money comes when a widow or grand- 
kids want to get rid of those dusty trays 


s? I mean, 


they found in the safe-deposit box or in 
the bottom of a dresser drawer. “They'll 
rob you to death,” says one coin dealer. 
Knowing their colleagues will take ad- 
vantage of their family, many collectors 
who are on death's door will sell off 
their coins. And that's only one of a 
dealer's many fears. “Most big-money 
dealers make their money off one play- 
er,” says another dealer. “They guard 
their player and do anything to find 
yours.” At coin shows, customers at a 
busy display case will pick up five coins 
and return four. Thieves may hear of a 
sale and follow a dealer home. For 
years one of the country’s leading nu- 
mismatists, Columbia University’s Dr. 
William Sheldon (father of today's one- 
to-70 coin-grading system) swapped 
his coins with the collections he was re- 
searching. Passion is a weakness. One 
of the juiciest prospects in the coin 
world is a collector on the verge of 
achieving a complete set. Even though 
Moore told Parrino his buyer was not 
who he might be thinking, Moore's 
reputation as Groendyke's dealer 
helped lure Parrino into his trap. 

On December 19, 1995 Freriks au- 
thorized Moore to up his offer by 
$250,000, to $1 million. Moore was al- 
ready past that figure. A day earlier he 
had told Parrino, “I can get my guy to 
wire a million and a half if somebody— 
and I don't care who—hands me a 
briefcase with some cash in it...” 

“I got you,” Раггіпо replied. 

Throughout the operation Moore— 
not Freriks—made the key strategic de- 
cisions. Moore set the price and the lo- 
cation and even suggested that he wear 
a body wire for meetings. He contin- 
ued to tape his phone calls at home but 
warned that his tape recorder crapped 
out occasionally. Freriks suspected 
Moore might have another reason for 
his inconsistent recordings, but he did 
not press his informant. 

Moore played Parrino and Freriks 
similarly: Parrino wanted money; 
Freriks wanted an arrest. Moore, of 
course, wanted both. 

By mid-January the deal appeared 
set, and Freriks promised Moore a 
55.000 reward. On January 18, 1996 
he told Moore, “Don't offer any more 
money.” The next day Moore called 
Freriks, upset. "Parrino's saying he 
won't take care of me until the whole 
thing is over! I can't do this for 
$5,000,” he whined. "You people do 
not have any idea what kind of bullshit 
is gonna happen once this happens—if 
it happens...” 

Freriks typed an e-mail to head- 
quarters regarding Moore's commis- 
sion: “324-15 was advised at length 
that any monics received without the 
knowledge of this service would be 

(continued on page 153) 


“Don't worry about me. Гое always been able to do 
two things at once.” 


timeto be a music fan. Thousands of you 
voted in our annual poll, telling us exactly 
what dominated your iPods. Even if the 
garage-rock revolution we were prom- 

ed didn't materialize, the White 


penned your favorite song, 
" and singer Chris Martin was 
led with the opportunity to im- 
ate Gwyneth Paltrow. And who- 
t ought they'd live to see teen 
berlake sent 


5 by morphing into Michael 
(а position made available by 
iorphing into something as 


tal front, aside from Metallica’s 
St. Anger, it's been out with the nu 


Jay-Z "retired," the Neptunes 
ir reign as überproducers, 


ense that amid such chaos 
rule the universe. You voted 


isit 
acts that are mak- 
о entertaining. 


FOE 


ROB THOMAS > MATCHBOX TWENTY 


(1) Willie Nelson > Tramps, New York 
City “Willie played for three and a half 
hours. | met him for the first time that 
night, and by the tîme the show was 
finished. | was so drunk | could only keep 
saying '| love you, тап, over and over.” 


(2) Billy Joel > Madison Square Gar- 
den, New York City "Billy Joel is New 
York. The show was around Christ- 
mas. To see ‘New York State of Mind’ 
at the Garden was almost religious.” 


©) Live > Hamburg, Germany “Just as 
they played ‘Lightning Crashes; a storm 
broke and lightning flew across the sky 
over the stadium. We stood on the side 
of the stage, thinking, This is what an 
amazing live band sounds like.” 


2 Old 97’s > Mercury Lounge, New 
York City “In a small club you get blown 
away by the energy of this great band. At 
the end of the night the crowd was as 
sweaty as the players.” 


(5) Dave Matthews Band > Hamburg, 
Germany “I've seen this band in arenas, 
stadiums and clubs, but on this night, in a 
little circus tent, it was so. so good. It was 
my favorite part of my Germany trip—and 
that includes our set.” 


Jack and Meg White had honed their shtick for 
ува ir mid-century-modernist lock, 
bnck-to-bnsics singles, the nre-they-or- 
they-brother-and-sister nct. But they hnd yet to 
make n true rock masterpiece. Hnd "Seven Nation 
Army" been the lone stondout on Elephant, the 
record would still have marked the high polat of 
their career. Instead it’s one chnpter In n cam- 
pelling collection that blows away everything the 
band hes done before. 


What's cooler than being cool? Two ice-cold phenoms from Atlanta 


out a double CD, and it was well received 
We're ready to give the people more. 
We're always working on music. 
PLAYBOY: How can hip-hop break away 
from its cliches? 
| Bic BOK You don't have to do the same 
types of things. Songs don't have to be 
| complex. They just have to be honest and 
funky. You don't have to stay in the same 
frame of mind and do one particular kind 
of music. If you're in a grocery store and 
ne shor Neveu you have so many different ingredients, 
ња à you don't know what to make. Ycu go to 
= each aisle and pick out something and 
віс BOI: | know ГИ | then make whatever you want. It just 
always be doing some- | depends on what you havea taste for. We 
thing creative with | need to stop making all that fast food— 
music, TV or art. Fora | you know, “Give me a number one.” We 
minute, rhyming got | need slow cooking. 


In an era of sagging sales, 
(№) Atlanta rap duo OutKast ге- 

leased Speakerboxxx/The Love 
Below—an unorthodox 39-track double 
CD—and scored two huge mainstream 
hits, "Hey Ya!" and “The Way You Move.” 
Intelligent, provocative and always inter- 
esting, OutKast is on top of the world. 


PLAYBOY: With few ex- | 
ceptions, hip-hop ca- 


boring to Dre, so he 
Я zes Н PLAYBOY: What dont Northerners under- 
АСЕ | a stand about the Sout? 

307/0 fink thing Now fe | BIG вок Theyll never understand the hos- 


pitality. If you're walking down the street 
in the South and you see sorneone—older, 
younger, black, white, whatever—you 
speak to them, say, "Hey, how 
are you doing? Good 
evening." If you go up 
North and speak to 
somebody on the 
street who you 
don't know, they 
look at you like 
Who the fuck 
you talking to?" 
They just keep on 
walking. | never 
understand that. 
^ DRE: That's true, 
but people are that 
way up North be- 
№ cause of their environ- 
NE ment. You're surrounded 
" by people on top of people 
stacked on top of people It's nct 
going to be so polite. The South is about 
space. Front yards and backyards and 
trees. You can say hello. 


back rhyming. It's all 
about inspiration. 


PLAYBOY: "Hey Ya!" breaks down 
boundaries between hip-hop 
and rock. Dre, did you 
consciously push limits? 

DRE: l'm pretty much 

just pushing myself. 
I've grown up lis- 
tening to every- 
thing, so | think it's 
unfair to stick to 
doing just one 
thing. | keep mov- 
ing around to find 
new inspiration 
PLAYBOY: Are the 
two of you going to 
work together in the 

studio on the next CD? 

віс Bor: Yeah, the next sound- 

track album will be an OutKast 

album with us together. We have another 
album planned, and we'll release it maybe 
six months after the soundtrack. We put 


> 


In а hip-hop universe polluted by bling- 
bling, bitches and hos, this forward- 
thinking duo swooped in seemingly from 
the yenr 3004 and gave the genre an 
extremo makeover. We've loved over-the- 
top Andre nnd smooth-as-Courvolsier Big 
Bol since 19985 epic Aquemini, but on this 
double пит they reise the bur on origi- 
onlity even rediscovering the relevance of 
Polnroid pictures. 


ALBERT HAMMOND JR. THE STROKES 


© The Cars > “Don't Cha Stop” “Because 
the girl hasn't come yet” 


(2) лен Buckley > “Hallelujah” “Because 
the girl isn't nasty.” 


(3) The Doors > “Back Door Man" "This is 
the night you change your sheets.” 


@ Frank Sinatra > “Strangers in the Night” 
“This is the song you put on when you 
know you're going to give her crabs.” 


© The Beach Boys > “Vegetables” “For dou- 
ble penetration without the second person.” 


uw 


"She plays guitar, and her phrasing is very - 
unco! entional. The female equivale tof © 


дв. Burnside > Come On In "Raw 
К ЕБИ contemporary Delta blues.” 


bert Johnson > The Complete — 
Recordings le was a poet ofthe Bites | 
"Squeeze my lemon НИ the juice run down 
©, leg! What a line.” 


! Muddy Waters > 
The Chess Box "Raw, 
еху, dirty. The 


8 BEST ELECTRONIC ALBUM 
ЭФ PEACHES-FATHERFUCKER 


Her potty mouth and stripped electro beats 
were enough to propel Peaches to culi sta- 
tus with her debut album, Teaches af Peaches. 
The question was what the firecmcker would 
do next. With Fatherfucker she became the 
first digipunk vislonary af the iPod era, 
‚adding guitars, Joan Jett samples, mom com- 
plex electronic treatments—and Iggy Pop— 
to her souod and bringing more playfulness to 
her deliciausly lascivious lyrics. 


f anyone can make power 
(>) ballads and pasty dudes in 
spandex cool again, it’s the 
Darkness, an over-the-top English 
quartet that has stormed the U.K.—and 
now the U.S.—with its straight-out-of- 
the-1980s heavy metal album Permis- 
sion to Land. Are they being ironic 
with their big hair, high kicks and 
Rothesque showmanship, or have they 
just been living in a cave for the past 15 
years? We get real—sort of—with front- 
man Justin Hawkins. 


PLAYBOY: With all 
those jumps and 
kicks you do on- 
stage, have you 
ever split your 
pants? 

HAWKINS! Yes, 
| once on live TV. 


in a costume 
made from the 
reflective ma- 
terial they use 
to make traffic 
cones. I did a 
split, and the 
ass came open 
and one of my 
balls popped out 
PLAYBOY: Are your 
stage moves inspired 
by anyone? 
HAWKINS; It's just stuff | try 
out, and if it works, | keep doing 

it. | love Queen, Aerosmith and White- 
snake. | also like Neil Diamond. 


the metal ironists 


Hate "ет or headbang to "ет, the Darkness is 
setting throwback rock on fire 


PLAYBOY: Is it very metal to like Neil 
Diamond? 

HAWKINS: It takes balls to admit things like 
that. Most men would say Neil Young. 


PLAYBOY: Why the catsuits? 


HAWKINS: My mum was into the London 
rock scene. She was around Jimi Hen- 
drix and the Stones, and she told me 
Brian Jones was the one the girls fan- 
cied. He wore a pink catsuit and would 
open it up on the dance floor. I've al- 
ways associated that with rock. In the 
early days | wore ballet leotards, but 
they were too revealing. | wanted to be 
in a band only because I was looking at 
guys who were as ugly es me, but they 
could play guitar and sing, so women 
were falling at their feet 
PLAYBOY: Any unusual requests on your 
touring contract rider? 
HAWKINS: No, we tried that, but nobody 
delivers. Van Halen's brown 
M&M's request is classic— 
we can't match that 
I will kick up а stink 
because I'm fussy 
about my wine 
If you ever give 
me a glass of 
chardonnay 
you'll get sent 
out with a flea 
in your ear at 
the very least 
I'm a pinot 
grigio guy. 
PLAYBOY: We 
thought “Grow- 
ing on Ме" was a 
romantic song until 
someone told us it's 
about STDs. Is it? 
HAWKINS: Every word in it 
could be interpreted as a song 
about genital warts, but | would never 
confirm or deny that 


M country music was built for Saturday 
nights and Sunday mornings, then no ое 
walked that line better than the Man in 
Block. Cash could shoot a man in Reoo just 
to watch him die oad then go gospel and 
ask, “Were you there when they crucified 
my Lord?" He was o rockabilly hero clong- 
side Elvis, a folk troubadaur with Dylan 
and an icon covering Soundgarden and 
Nice lach Nails an his last recordings. 


KEYBOARD CONFESSIONAL .. 


FOR ROCK STARS ABOUT TO SPILL THEIR GUTS ONLINE—WE SALUTE YOU! 


Not long ago musicians could pour their tortured inner thoughts only 
into their songs. But now, thanks to the Internet, they can unburden 
themselves whenever the mood—or the medication—takes hold. As 
the trend builds steam, some of the writings are pure bigheaded 
drivel; others are fast ting gli ко the minds of—hell, who 
are we kidding?—screwed-up celebrities. (Note to screwed-up 
celebrities: Keep writing; ме"! keep reading.) 


DEAR DIARIST > FRED DURST 
Music's most gossiped about online confessional involved the Limp Bizkit 
himself—whose peculiar method of very public wooing borders on stalk- 
ing—and good girl gone wild Britney Spears, who 
denied all rumors of their alleged tryst 
SPILL-APALOOZA > Here, the post that started 
it all: "Anybody out there who has a serious 
problem with my feelings for Britney should just 
chill and worry about your own feelings for a 
minute. [She] just happens to be a person | 
[wouldn't] have thought could make me feel 
this way. And believe that | have never felt this 
way, so there. | really like her, and that's about all 
1 should say. She's a sweet. amazing girl. and I'm 
happy to know her right now. You are my family, 
and you know you can trust my judgment 

ATH > Brit disses Durst on MTV. declaring, "He's not my type" 


| want—a beautiful husband to share my life with, a 
beautiful family who loves and supports me. a beauti- 
ful career, of which I am very proud, and beautiful 
fans who love me just for being me! | am just Jessica. 
and for me that is enough!” 

А Н > Britney gets married іп a quickie Las 
Vegas cerernony in a possible attempt to be more like 
‚America's favorite hot housewife. 


ST > JACK WHITE 
Rock's most unlikely couple? The White Stripes’ Jack White and actress 
Renee Zellweger. who met on Cold Mountain and 
began an on-again, off-again fling. When Zell- 
weger showed up at the premiere of Down With 
Love sans White, rumors of a breakup flew, 
SPILL-APALOOZA > White's inscrutable explana- 
tion to fans, courtesy of his site: "Males are such 
despicable creatures. 
> Zellweger's even more cryptic 
response: "He's an enigma, and a lot of [the 
message board content] is—what would you 
call it?—missives 


DEAR DIARIST > RYAN ADAMS 
The roots-rock phenom graced his message board with a priceless post in 
which he contemplated quitting the business. 
SPILL-APALOOZA > “Serious as a heart attack I'm nat trying to be dra 
matic about it. I'm just done. It feels really good. I've been thinking | 
should do this for a while. but | was afraid because | was attached to all 
the things that come with playing music. 1 think I 
was afraid of losing my identity if 1 stopped, But 
that's part of the bullshit that goes along with this 
Š that | want to get afraid of. It's all false. Let's face 
it. l'm not a platinum-selling artist. l'm not some 
major contender out there. This isn't front-page or 
even back-page news. It's just 1 quit 
> Adams releases a full-length album 
and two EPs within the next year. 


DEAR DIARIST > MARIAH CAREY 

In 2001 the unpredictable pop diva suffered a public breakdown by leaving 
а despondent “voice mail message" on her site, including complaints about 
her management and record label. Later, in seemingly better spirits but 
more self-important than ever, Mariah gave fans a pandering vocabulary 
lesson (aka. Mariahisms) 

SPILL-APALOOZA > “Lamb: A term of endearment—e9. ‘You're my lamb. 
Chops: A derivative of 'lamb'—eg. 'Hi, Chops" This does not mean you 
cannot call a girl ‘chops’ or a boy lamb: They re unisex 

Dictionary sales plummet. because really, who needs 


them anymore? 


> JESSICA SIMPSON 
Everyone knows she can't do laundry to save her life, but on her website 
the Newiyweds star proves she does know how to get in a veiled slap at 
a fellow pop tart 
SPILL-APALOOZA > “I get so tickled at some of the posts that still com- 
pare Britney and I, and you guys always come to my rescue! | am very happy 
with my success. | do not want the success of Britney. | have exactly what 


DEAR DIARIST > MICHAEL JACKSON 
As recent charges of sexual molestation loomed 
the Gloved One took to his personal website, 
minews.us, to proclaim his innocence. 
SPILL-APALOOZA > "To my fans, friends and 
family. As you know, the charges directed at me 
are terribly serious. They are, however. predicated 
оп a big lie. This will be shown in court, and we 
will be able to put this horrible time behind us. 
Because the charges are so serious. | hope you all 
will understand, оп the advice of my attorneys, | will be limited in what | can 
say. No doubt. this will be frustrating for all of us. 

Fans rally at Jackson's Neverland Ranch, chanting 
Michael's innocent!” and carrying signs that read KEEP THE F 


Starting with Duke Ellington's "East St. Louis 
Toodle-Oo” and ending with W.C. Handy's “St. 


Louis Blues," Osby drives a formidable quintet 
through a 21st century homage to his hometown. 


This isn’t Just a historical pastiche—it's ва 
expression of his innovation. From his appear- 
ances with the Dead to his experimental trlo 
gigs, Osby has defied boundaries. The alto sax- 
ophonist remains in the forefront: pushing, 
reshaping and chatlonging conventions. 


Sofia Coppola's use of Alr to score The Virgin 
Suicides made her a must-hear геог. 
With this film she became a must-see 
director and scored a coup by coaxing redu- 
sive ex-My Bloody Valentine legend Kevin 
Shields into the studio to record songs for 
the film. She also threw in a Jesus and Mary 
Chain trock and material from Death in 
Vegas, French indie popsters Phoenix and 
old friends Ait. She's our kind of avteur. 


the new rock royalty 


Fill the goblets with white lightning: Kings of Leon are ready for their throne 


Kings of Leon—three brothers and a cousin, all named Followill, 
all musically adept beyond their years—have been crowned by 
our readers as the Next Big Thing. Traveling to Southern churches 
with their evangelist father, they rocked congregation after con- 
gregation. Then they grew their hair long and cranked out an 
acclaimed major label debut, Youth & Young Manhood. We spoke 
to Jared Followill, 17, the band's youngest member. 


PLAYBOY: With four relatives in one barx 


FOLLOWILL: Definitely, but there's been only one big fistfight. Nathan 
and Caleb were bickering, and it turned into a cartoon—a big ball of 
dust you'd see arms and legs coming out of. There were hair balls on 
the floor at the end. When you have long hair, it's the easiest target. 
PLAYBOY: Did traveling from church to church with your dad prepare 
you for the road? 

FOLLOWILL: Not even close. It's better and worse. Worse because we 
never sleep—we're always hungover or drunk. But better because 
we have a really nice bus. With PlayStation. 

PLAYBOY: How has rock stardom affected your girl situation? 
FOLLOWILL: It has affected it in a very positive way. We're not into 
groupies, though. When | was younger | did what everybody else did. 
I fucking got a lot of girls. but then | became an individual. | grew my 
hair and listened to different music. But if you didn't have spiky hair 
and abs. the girls wouldn't talk to you. I vowed that when | was able, | 
was going to date only supermodels and be like, “Look who I'm going 
out with. You could never look like her.” To get them back, you know? 
PLAYBOY: Sure. Did you drop out of school? 

FOLLOWILL: Yep. | finished half my senior year, and then we had to go 
record and start playing live 


| is there a lot of brawling? 


PLAYBOY: Will you go back to high school? 

FOLLOWILL: Oh my god, по way. I'll get my GED, I suppose. 

PLAYBOY: Does your dad come to your shows? 

FOLLOWILL: Yeah. He's not a preacher anymore. Now he's just a regu- 
lar guy, and he fucking loves it 

PLAYBOY: Where's home for you now? 

FOLLOWILL: |n а small town near where we were born. All the band 
members live together in a big house on a lake. We're in big cities all 
the time, so we like to go home and not have to look cool. We smoke 
weed and go to Blockbuster. We rest. We party so much otherwise. 
PLAYBOY: What's your take on the music industry? 

FOLLOWILL: A bunch of rich losers. In the beginning youre so rervous 
that you do whatever they want you to do. But all that leads to is em- 
barrassment. You've cot to figure out what direction you want to go in 
and do it. If they say, "You can't.” then be like, "Fuck you. Here's your 
money back." And that scares them really bad, so they let you do it. 
PLAYBOY: Have you had to do that? 

FOLLOWILL: We do it every day, man. We did it with our name. They 
wanted us to be the Followills, like the Osmonds or Hanson or some 
shit. We were like, "No way, man. We're Kings of Leon” Leon is our 
dad's and our grandpa's name. We wanted something that had to do 
with our past. Our friend was like, "What about Kings of Zior?" We 
were like, "What the fuck?" Caleb said, "How about Kings of Leon?" 
PLAYBOY: Do you hang around with other young bands? 

FOLLOWILL: Yeah, the Strokes are our best friends. Older musicians 
have been to our shows, which is hilarious. Bryan—not Ryan—Adams 
was backstage one night. | don't want to mention all the cool people 
we've met, because they'll think we're weird name-droppers. Well 
actually, | don't care if Bryan Adams thinks I'm a name-dropper. 


PLAYBOY MUSIC POLL WINNERS 


BEST SONG 
COLDPLAY—"CLOCKS" 


When the original album debuted 31 years 
‘ago, its impact was оз significant os that of 
Pet Sounds ог Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts 
Club Bard—and for many af the some reo- 
sons. la its use of technology and studio trick- 
өгү, Pink Floyd took music to the next plateau. 
Dark Sido of the Moon was Зо modem that 
even now, upon its anniversary reissue, i still 
sounds carrent. All this and great songs, too. 


The cascade of keyboards that marks 
the opening bars af “Clocks” is unmis- 
takable. By the time frontman Chris 
Martin reaches the understated 
catharsis of “ooo-ooh...caaah,” 
Coldplay has surpassed the emotianal 
Impact of any sang by the bands from 
which it learned its trade—iocluding 
Echa & the Bunnymen, Travis and even 
(yes) Rodiahend. 


SIX DEGREES OF 
ШШШ 


SONGE WE HATE TO ADMIT | A Bi NEXT BIG THING 
E LIKE JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE— KINGS OF LEON 
E ME A RIVER” 


Radiohead can sound dis- Don’t hate them because they're young (average 
He's a recovering boy-band P 2 jointed blowing out of your оде: 20) und lauded. The Followills were raised on 
cheese ball who hos dated LA.’s home speakers, but on- the Stones, Nell Young 
ceamiest chicks (Britney, Came stage the band’s soaring £, — and the Lord, and now 
aron). H this were high school, sound swoops over the à they're leading the soc- 
we'd shove his head in a tollot. audience, just as прове | ond coming of Southern 
But in the comfort of our very of carrying Thom Yorke’s rock. Youth & Young 
monly SUV, we may even turn up vision now as when the E Memboodis proof that at 
the volume when this song comes band employed the most the and of the day it’s oll 
‘on. Tums out the kid can sing. gut-wrenching guitar work. about the six-string. 


Ehe canadian 


hit men 


inda cheesy, eh? But Nickelback is 
laughing all the way to the stage—and 
getting pelted by panties every night 


How did Nickelbock become the biggest Conodion ureno-rock ай since 
Rush's heyday? Hell if we kow, but in oddtionto being o hit with millions 
of guys whose bockseals re covered in empty beer cons, Nickelback is 
huge with the ladiesand the Grommy folks The Long Road was up for 
Best Кой Album). We grilled frontman Chad Kıoeger about Ме on lout 


PLAYBOY What's it like backstage after a show? 
KROEGER: A few of the boys are married now, so they clear out as 
fast as possihle in case | have a party. We make sure that during 
the show our security guy goes out into the audience with about 50 
055 posses... 
PLAYBOY: Ass passes? 
KROEGER: Yeoh, for the beautiful young ladies. It's very Van Halea. 
Very Motley Crue. Ass passes ore for people who wont to party with 
the band. You hove a room full of people who want fo party, ond 
‘once the room dies down you have a hus full of people. 
PLAYBOY: Do you ever take people with you to the next destination? 
KROEGER: 1 have token hostages on a few occasions. Hmmm...this 
is tough. | don't wont to sound like too much of an asshole. | very 
recently got down on one knee. 
PLAYBOY Then let's tolk about your single days. 
| KROEGER: Let me tell a crazy statistic. Fastest sexual engagement 
| ohter a show? Panama Ciy Beach six mint. 
PLAYBOY: Did you catch her поте? 
KROEGER: No. 
PUYBOE What’s the wildest thing that’s been 
thrown onstage? 
KROEGER: Sometimes we get vibrators. You pray 
to God they were chucked by women. 
|. PLAYBOY Your stage show is all chout the pyro. 
| What isit with rockers ond fire? 
KROEGER: We're actually carrying more pyro than 
Kiss did. Some things never get old: car chases ond 
gurfightsin movies and explosions during rock shows. 


um 


Н sooms like [ust yestorday we were swigging out 
of our parents’ liquor cabinet and pumping our 
fists to Master of Puppets. But has Metallica, our. 
200-niles-perhour thrash god, become a purody 
of itself? An overwhelming number of readers 
wrote in that the band’s long-awaited first CD of 
the 215 century обой the bone-crunching riffs 
and musical mayhem of previous efforts. Of 
course, Н still blows the nu-metal brats away but 
his time, Metallica, you've St. Angered us. 


the hip-hop dairy queen 


Got milk? Breakthrough artist Kelis does—and a whole lot more 


Kelis’s days as a rainbow-haired R&B wild 
child are over. She’s got a sleek new look, 
a famous fiance (Nas, who shows off his 
tattoo of her nude on the inside of her 
third CD, Tasty) and “Milkshake,” an addic- 
tive Neptunes-produced ode to cleavage. 
This interview is the cherry on top. 


PLAYBOY: Who's music's sexiest woman? 


KELIS: | guess me. But I like men, so it's 
hard to pick. Tina Turner is sexy 
because she's older and still doing it. 
PLAYBOY: Do other rock stars ever hit 
on you? 

KeLis: Definitely. This is a flirtatious 
business. One day Liam from Oasis 
and | were at an awards show. He 
grabbed my ass, and my first 
instinct was to grab his balls 
There are photos of it. Liam, you 
know, he's a little off. Men always 
think it's okay to grope. So I fig- 
ured, Okay, l'm gonna get you, too. 
PLAYBOY: Tasty has а duet with your fiancé, 
Nas, about doing the deed "In Public.” Have 
you ever? 

KELIS: The craziest place would probably 
be on an airplane. You have to do it quickly 
enough so no one notices you're both in 
that tiny-ass bathroom. 


11 wus more than п rock band, It made music so 
epic it could have soundiracked alternative 
worlds—Middle-earth, for instonce, where Zep's 
druidicfoscinotions would fit right in. While Plant 
belted out his banshee wail, Page topped into the 
Platonic form cf the riff, ond the rhythm section 
laid down a backbent from the sludge ol life und 
death. From “Dozed опи Confused" to “Fool in 
the Rain," Zep defined a decade and continues lo. 
inspire fons, musicians and cur readers. 


PLAYBOY: Do you ever 
dress up for him? 
KELIS: Гуе got a maid 
outfit, an Indian outfit, a 
cop outfit. ГИ get the 
handcuffs, the whistie, 
the glasses, the gun. I 
до а! the way It's one 
thing when you're 
casually having sex. 
It's another thing 
when you're engaged. 
You've got to keep it fun. 
PLAYBOY: You've been tight with the Nep- 
tunes' Pharrell Williams and Chad Hugo for 
years. What do you think of their superstar 
producer status? 

KELIS: It's gone to their heads a bit, so we 
don't deal with one another on a very per- 
sonal level anymore. Chad is агеак--! have 
no issues with him—but Star Trak in general 
has gotten a little crazy. 

PLAYBOY: Has Pharrell distanced himself 
from you? 

KELIS: We've distanced ourselves from each 
other. We pretend to get along, but I know 
at the end of the day he doesn't really care 
about my project. Actually, Pharrell was 
mad one day and said he wished he'd given 
“Milkshake” to Britney Spears. 


“What a coincidence! Гт a classically trained cocksucker.” 


BY E.L. DOCTOROW 


WHY DOES THE WORLD SEEM SO SCARY? HERE’S ONE REASON: OUR 


GOVERNMENT WANTS US TO BE AFRAID. VERY AFRAID 


In 1954 the U.S. and the Soviet Union were in a 
deadly armaments race, testing and installing 
ever more powerful nuclear weapons to be 
dropped from aircraft, launched in ICBMs and 
shot from submarines. This was our Cold War, 
the result, it would seem, of the incompatibility 
on the same earth ofa democratic republic and a 
communist dictatorship. But how inevitable was 
this conflict? 

Here | invoke the plaintive figure of a forgotten 
‚American patriot named Henry Stimson. Despite 
the fact that he was a Republican, having served 
as secretary of state in the 1930s under Herbert 
Hoover, he was appointed secretary of war by 
Franklin Roosevelt and went on to direct the 
largest wartime mobilization in American history. 
Stimson worked nobly through the four-year 
conflict with Germany and Japan. But when Har- 
ry Truman succeeded Roosevelt and dropped the 
second atom bomb on Japan, and another test 


bomb on the Bikini atoll after the war was over, 
and after we showed disdain for the nuclear- 
challenged Soviet Union, it became apparent to 
Stimson that a dangerous foreign policy was in 
the making based on America's sole possession 
of atomic weapons. Knowing that this scientific 
monopoly could not last, Stimson wrote a memo 
to Truman, proposing that we share the secrets of 
atomic-bomb manufacture with the Soviets. 
"The chief lesson | have learned in a long life,” 
said Stimson, "is that the only way you can make 
a man trustworthy is to trust him, and the surest 
way to make him untrustworthy is to distrust 
him. Unless the Soviets are invited into the part- 
nership on the basis of cooperation and trust, we 
are going to maintain the Anglo-Saxon bloc over 
against the Soviet in the possession of this 
weapon. Such a condition will almost certainly 
stimulate a feverish activity on the part of the 
Soviet toward the development of the bomb in 


ILLUSTRATION BY JANET WOOLLEY 


ENEMY ANDW 


what in effect will be a secret armaments race of 
a rather desperate character.” 

Today we would call Stimson's approach con- 
structive engagement. It seems extraordinary 
that such an idea could have been conceived at 
that time, not by some idealistic political margin- 
alist or Soviet sympathizer but by a career diplo- 
mat and public servant. Henry Stimson knew that 
Stalin was a barbarian mass murderer of the 
same magnitude as Hitler. But it was as if he fore- 
saw the next 50 years of a cold war that would 
engender enough moments of tension between 
two nuclear-armed superpowers to threaten a 
planetary holocaust 

As it happened, the Soviets had proposed a 
treaty based on co-existence that was virtually 
what Stimson was recommending. To Truman 
this could mean only that his 78-year-old secre- 
tary of war had gone soft in the brain. Bomb heft- 
ing was what Truman trusted. The hard-liners in 
both camps assumed control, and the desperate 
arms race predicted by Stimson became a reality. 

Does Stimson's vision seem naive and soft- 
brained now? The Soviets had been devastated 
by World War И. Their industrial base was shat- 
tered, and they'd lost 20 million people. Truman's 
secretary of state, Dean Acheson, would testify 
that even after the Russians got the bomb we did 
mot seriously regard them as a military threat. 
Presumably the containment factor of mutual 
assured destruction would have been operative 
with or without all the sword rattling. 

In the 1970s President Richard Nixon chose to 
engage constructively with another monolithic 
communist nation: He brought about a détente 
with Mao's Red China. The Chinese Communists 
do not intend to yield power and bring about a 
democracy. But their economy has become 
somewhat recognizable to us. We trade with 
them now. China is a big market. And we're a big 
market for her. We have had some leverage in her 
treatment of human rights activists and political 
dissidents. And our profound differences are 
mediated by diplomacy. Is it inconceivable that 
the same degree of constructive engagement 
could have moved Russia away from its Stalinist 


E FEAR THE 


WE HAVE 


horror—Mao having been a no less malevolent 
ideological enemy of ours than Stalin? 

The dangerously bisected world of the Cold 
War period was to a great extent a self-fulfilling 
prophecy of American governance. Once they 
scraped together their own nuclear arms and the 
means to deliver them, the Russians became just 
the foreign menace we always said they were. 


With the Cold War under way, the voting public 
had to be persuaded to accept not only nuclear 
weapons development but also the enormous 
percentages of tax money given over to mili- 
tary security. Senator Arthur Vandenberg, a 
Republican statesman of the time, knew how to 
do it: "We've got to scare the hell out of the 
American people," he said. And so the animus 
of our Cold War was unleashed to an astonish- 
ing degree on ourselves 

By 1954 the ideology of fear pumped out by 
our politicians had evolved into something like a 
state religion. It sought out the subversive ele- 
ments living among us and prosecuted them for 
crimes of espionage, but it also staged public 
rituals of confession and repentance before 
congressional committees when no crimes were 
supposed to have occurred except crimes of 
thought. Teachers, university professors, journal- 
ists, editors, actors and scientists whose ideas 
did not conform either were fired from their jobs 
or stayed employed by coming forward to attest 
to their anticommunist credentials and offer their 
services to the thought-cleansing authorities 
Everyone ran scared because reputations were 
being ruined and livelihoods destroyed by un- 
substantiated accusations from self-appointed 
publishers of blacklists who were the 1950s 
equivalents of vigilante posses. 

The 1950s taught our conservative politicians 
that nothing was more useful to their domestic 
designs than the fear of a foreign enemy. Under 
that era's barrage against civil liberties, it be- 
came apparent to the Republicans that they had 
forged another powerful weapon: Political cor- 
rectness was a means (continued on page 144) 


© 


ВЕСОМЕ 


Joseph Stalin gave us nuclear nightmares, Joseph McCarthy found commies under every bed, Iran’s Ayatollah 
Khomeini took us hostage and made us feel weak. Osama bin Laden? Enough said. Could Saddam Hussein have 
nuked us? No, but he scared us anyway, and John Ashcroft hides behind fear to chip away at freedom and privacy. 


aaa 


7, 


Si 
y 

E 
SIR 
SRNY 
ES 


m 


I: 


ER 


Vs are watching them back, 


T 


we may have problems. 


if they ever start to suspect all their 


“Of course, 


91 


PUT DOWN THAT LONG FORM—OUR SHORT LOOK 
AT TAX-SEASON SCHEMES AND SCAMS IS MORE 
FUN THAN A BARRELFUL OF DEAD AUDITORS 
BY CHIP ROWE 


DEDUCTION JUNCTION 


1862 The newly cre- 
ated Bureau of Inter- 
nal Revenue collects 
taxes to finance the 
Civil War. 

1913 The Constitu- 
tion is amended to 
allow Congress to 
collect income taxes. 


WINNERS 

i : A tax judge allowed 
Detroit stripper Chesty Morgan (left) to 
deduct $2,088 for her implants. He 

compared them to a work uniform. 
eer: Another tax judge let a gas station 
owner in Oklahoma deduct the cost of 
Stocking a soda machine with beers that 
customers drank for free as they filled up. 
Br A businessman successfully ar- 
gued that he should be able to deduct the 

$90,286 he had paid to get contracts. 

The IRS took issue when 
a ا‎ mob boss deducted his legal 
fees as a business expense. The agency 
argued that because he had not SUC- 
ceeded in his attempt to skim profits 
from a casino, he had only expected to 
have a business. A tax court ruled that 

being a mobster was his business. 


LOSERS 

sti A former Treasury Depart- 
PS analyst deducted the cost of visit- 
ing brothels as a business expense, 
claiming he was doing research for a 
novel. A е disallowed the write-off. 
A tax court ruled 
against a "iic friendly police officer who 
had been told by supervisors to leave 
his ventriloquist's dummy at home and 
then tried to deduct the $11,465 he had 

em getting the issue on the ballot. 

5: An attorney tried to 
dodi $60, 000 for concert tickets 
he'd bought from scalpers. He claimed 
that by getting front-row seats for 
Clients, he gained exposure to rock stars. 
and groupies who might hire him as an 
attorney. He ended up as a case study 
in a training manual for IRS auditors. 


A SHORT HISTORY OF THE INCOME TAX 


1934 Treasury goes 
after its former chief, 
Andrew Mellon, after 
learning that he had 
asked the BIR for a 
memo on “the vari- 
ous ways in which 
an individual may 
legally avoid tax" 


and then used five of 
the 10 methods on 
his personal return. 

1942 FDR declares, 
“In this time of war, 
no American citizen 
ought to have a net 
income, after he has 
paid his taxes, of 


more than $25,000." 
1981 Congress cuts 
the top tax rate from 
70 percent to 28 
percent, the largest 
cut in U.S. history. 
The following year it 
passes the largest 
peacetime tax hike 


in U.S. history. 
1986 The IRS be- 


payers to give Social 
Security numbers for 
dependents listed as 
deductions. The next. 
year, 7 million “chik 
dren" disappear. 


PAY NO TAXES!* 


* unless you get caught 


Ploy: If you're an ordained minister, you 
сап deduct your income as a charitable 
donation to yourself. 

Why it doesn't work: The IRS is more 
powerful than God. In 1984 then-U.S. 
Attorney Rudy Giuliani indicted nine 
leaders of the Life Science Church, which 
raised $10 million hawking quickie ordi- 
nations used in tax scams. Investigators 
discovered that 1,000 New York City em- 
ployees, including hundreds of cops and 
firefighters, had found religion. 


You don't have to file a return if 

you make money from illegal activities, 
because it would violate your right against 
self-incrimination. 
Why it doesn't work: You can write “Fifth 
Amendment” in the blanks where you 
would normally list the source of your 
wages, but you must still list the amount. 
This keeps the cops from knowing too 
much—but it doesn't stop the auditors. 


: The 16th Amendment, which al- 

lows Congress to collect income taxes, 
wasn't properly ratified. 
Why it doesn't work: This is a shaky 
argument based on the premise that 33 
state resolutions contained nullifying 
errors of spelling, capitalization or other 
typos. But a federal court ruled in 1986 
that the same 1913 State Department 
memo that acknowledged the errors also 
advised that the secretary was authorized 
to declare the amendment adopted and 
"his decision is now beyond review." 


Black taxpayers can claim a de- 
duction as a reparation for slavery. 
Why it doesn't work: Nothing in the mas- 
sive U.S. Tex Code allows for this. Even 
so, in 2000 and 2001 the IRS received 
100,000 returns (including 12 from 
agency employees) claiming $2.7 billion 
in reparation refunds. The IRS mistakenly 
sent out $30 million before realizing what 
was going on. In 1993 an Essence colum- 
nist urged readers to claim a deduction of 
$43,209, which the writer calculated as 
the current value of 40 acres and a mule. 


* Two lowa farmers tried to avoid Social Securi- 
ty taxes by paying themselves in hogs, which 
they then sold. They claimed the "hog bonus" 
was designed to motivate employees, although 
they were the only employees who got them. 


* During the late 1990s Wal-Mart took out 
secret life-insurance policies on 350,000 
employees— policies that paid benefits to Wal-Mart if the employee died 
and that allowed the company to deduct premiums as business expenses. 


* O.J. Simpson's Brentwood neighbors took a $751,000 “casualty los: 
arguing that the accused killer's notoriety lowered their property values. A 
court upheld the IRS's demand for $292,000 in back taxes. 


* Convicted spy Aldrich Ames argued that he shouldn't have to pay income 
taxes on $1 million he received from the KGB from 1989 to 1992, because 
the Soviets had actually set aside the money for him in 1985 and the IRS 
wasn't disputing his return from that year. The court told him to give it up. 


HARD NUMBERS 


bil — value of federal con- 
tracts given to American companies that 


have incorporated in 
Bermuda to avoid 
paying U.S. taxes 


amount the IRS 
plans to spend to 
upgrade its comput- 
er system, which 
dates to the Kennedy 
administration 
percentage 

of Americans who 
pay someone else to 
do their taxes 

1— percentage 
who check the 
“presidential cam- 
paign contribution” 
box on their 1040s. 
195—taxpayers 
who paid more than 
they owed in 2001 to 
reduce federal debt 


5—words in the Bible 
—words in the tax code 


—Martin Sullivan, Т; 


Miss April is the 
perfect eye-opener 


hen we heard that Krista 
Kelly's grandmother nicknamed her 
Motor Mouth, we knew the 26-year-old 
Toronto native would make for a fun 
interview. Get Krista charged up about. 
a topic—her childhood, her Catholic- 
school upbringing, her romantic rela- 
tionships—and she'll spin a story at a 
feverish pace. “1 was discovered by 
model scouts outside an underage 
nightclub when I was 15 years old,” she 
says, "but I didn't take modeling seri- 
ously at first. Growing up I was a 
tomboy—very athletic. 1 hated Barbie 
dolls, 1 had no girlfriends, and I hung 
around the jocks. I didn't like getting 
my makeup done or being pretty. 
When the modeling agency asked me 
to move to New York to continue my 
carecr, | caused a lot of trouble. 1 didn't 
make curfew, and I wasn't in my room 
for orientation." 

Krista was no easier to handle as a 
student: "I met a friend who went to 
Catholic school, and I begged my mom 
to let me go,” she says, "but I used to сиг 
my kilts too short. I actually got sus- 
pended for it.” Though she still resides 
in Toronto, Miss April—whose mother 
has dual citizenship in the United States 
and Canada—believes a move to the 
States is imminent. "In Toronto we love 
Americans because they're so friendly," 
she says. “1 always felt like 1 could relate 
to them because I've done so much trav- 
eling in the U.S. My grandfather is 
American, so we had family reunions 
every two years usually in Nebraska." 

Her favorite place in the world to vis- 
it? Anywhere the weather is war 
“I'm a total sun bunny,” she says. "I 
love Rollerblading, tanning and going 
to the beach, though 1 have a serious 
shark phobia. When I vacationed in 
Cancún, 1 would go in the ocean only if 
there were a lot of people in the water, 
and even then 1 would go in only up to 
my waist." Lest you think she'sa wimp, 
Krista explains that she hasn't had the 
best luck with water sports: " You're not 
going to believe this, but 1 once got 
lodged in a waterslide,” she says. “They 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY STEPHEN 
WAYDA AND ARNY FREYTAG 


When Krista accampanied a friend who was auditioning for PLAYBOY, a pho- 
tographer pulled her aside and asked if she wanted to do a test shoot. “This is 
classic," she says. "I said no because my panties and bra didn't match. I felt 
like an idiat, but 1 came back the next day and set up a shoot.” 


wW 4 


had toturn off the park's water supply and rescue me!" Which begs the question: Does Krista enjoy being rescued? "I'm into 
manly guys, but personality—especially a sense of humor—makes a person more attractive. It’s cute when a guy doesn't 
know how to do laundry. He goes into the experience feeling confident, but then it turns pathetic—but funny—because he 
ends up with wrinkly clothes. I like to be in relationships where everything becomes a fun event or activity" When it comes 
time to settle down with one lucky guy (be he laundry adept or not), Krista has a definite marriage-proposal ideal: “I'd like 
1o find the ring box somewhere totally unexpected, like hidden in a grocery cart while we're shopping or in my food at a 
restaurant,” she says. "I don't want to have a traditional wedding. I want to be naked, or maybe underwater. I would defi- 
nitely elope, though not anytime soon. My mom would say, ‘Krista, get your head out of your little fantasy world and go get 
married and have babies.’ But she knows that isn't going to happen right now. I'm always late for everything.” 


It's tough to walk down a Toronto street ond not pass o hot 
dog stand, but you won't catch Kristo portaking. "1 don't eat 
meat,” she says. "I'm an animal lover. Cats are like water to 
me—they re o necessity. | once did a commerciol in which | 
had to chose pigs oround a pen oll day. They're reolly intelli- 
gent, ond I thought, I don't want to eat those guys.” 


sof 


Sa 


NT 


PLAYMATE DATA SHEET 


AC eS LaS 
HEIGHT: Mz WEIGHT: ا‎ 
BIRTH DATE: [33 rra LOTO ES 
amos. ТО АР Au Кем 
Music Show. 
шо PX СЕРП Le * kK Geert 
SENSE (£ HIME = CoririOenicé, 
urnorrs: OMA] € Loco. = ВАЗА | 
OA, AMO > EL TA. 
MY ETHNIC BACKGROUND: 1. Wench, | 
NAWE pec, MEME . 
SPORTS THAT I PLAYED IN HIGH SCHOOL: E TLL a 
Vocces BALL. | SSINIG TAL 
A CHARITABLE CAUSE THAT IS CLOSE TO MY HEART: Ко m V 
TERESO wi Cermee Ke 
MY CELEBRITY re Ole TELL ME 1 i= 
Lise SHpiee TAI. L (oye ne?! 


ZADE Gero e EN ES en MEMO 
С 8 " АХ AGE == Mech 2003. 


PLAYBOY’S PARTY JOKES 


A husband and wife went to see a marriage 
counselor, who said to them, “Let's start by 
talking about something the two of you have 
in common. 

The husband thought for a moment and 
said, “Well, neither of us sucks dick.” 


What's the difference between sin and shame? 
Irsa sin to put it in, but ame to pull it out. 


Рилувох cusssic: A farmer had 200 hens but 
no rooster. He wanted chicks, so he asked a 
neighbor if he had a rooster for sale. "Well, I 
have one, but he's expensive," the neighbor 
said. "His name is Brooster. He'll service every 
chicken you got, no problem." 

The farmer bought Brooster, took him 
home, set him down in the barnyard and er 
him a pep talk. “Brooster,” the farmer said, “1 
want you to pace yourself. You've got a lot of 
chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot 
of money. I don't want you to run out of steam 
early, so take your time.” 

Brooster the Rooster nodded, so the farmer 
pointed toward the henhouse. Brooster took 
off and nailed every hen three or four times. 
The farmer was shocked. He was even more 
shocked when he heard a commotion in the 
duck pen. He went inside and, sure enough, 
Brooster was in there screwing the ducks. Lat- 
er the farmer saw Brooster chasing after the 
flock of geese down by the lake. Once again 
Brooster did them all. And at sunset the 
farmer saw Brooster out in the fields chasing 
quail and pheasant. The farmer was troubled, 
worried that his expensive rooster wouldn't 
last another day. 

The farmer went to bed, and when he woke 
the next day his worst fears had come true. 
There was Brooster the Rooster lying in the 
middle of the yard, buzzards circling overhead. 
The farmer, distraught at the loss of such an ex- 
pensive bird, knelt е Brooster and cried, 

"Oh, Brooster, why wouldn't you listen? I told 
you to pace yours 1 tried to get you to slow 
down. Now look what you've done to yourself." 

Brooster opened one eye, nodded toward 
the buzzards and “Shhh, they're getting 
closer. 


А man walked into a dentist's office and said, 
“Can you help me? I think I'm a moth.” 
The dentist said, “You don't need a dentist- 
You need a psychiatr: 
“Yes, 1 know,” the m; 
The dentist asked, "So then why did you 
come in here? 
The man replied, “The light was on.” 


Have you heard about the university Michael 
Jackson is founding? It's called Bringem Young. 


A man and his girlfriend were messing 
around in bed. “Slow down, baby,” she said. 
"Foreplay is an art." 

“Well, you better get your canvas ready,” he 
said, “because I'm about to spill my paint.” 


What do you get when you mix holy water 
with prune juice? A religious movement. 


В. око ЈОКЕ OF THE MONTH: А brunette sec- 
retary told a blonde secretary, “1 know how to 
get some time off from work. 

“How?” the blonde asked. 

The brunette climbed on top of the file cabi- 
net, grabbed hold of the ceiling lamp and just 
hung there. The boss walked in and asked 
what she was doing. "I'm a lightbulb,” the 
brunette answered 

"You need some time off,” the boss told her. 

The brunette jumped down and walked out. 
The blonde followed her. The boss asked, 
"Where do you think you're going?" 

She replied, “Home. I can't work in the dark.” 


Al Minen 


A machine operator came home from the fac- 
tory and told his wife, “Honey, Гуе got some 
good news and some bad news. First, the good 
news: I got $25,000 in severance pay." 

His wife s "That's great. But does that 
mean you lost your job?” 

“No,” he said, "but wait until you hear what 
was severed.” 


Our unabashed dictionary defines déja moo as 
the feeling you get when you've heard the 
same bullshit before 


Send your jokes to Party Jokes Editor, PLAYBOY, 730 
Fifth Avenue, New York, New York 10019, or by 
e-mail to jokes@playboy.com. $100 will be paid to 
the contributor whose submission is selected. Sorry, 
jokes cannot be returned. 


“Your honor, the plaintiff and defendant are trying to work things out 


107 


during the commercial break.” 


DID SHE OR DIDN’T SHE? A LITTLE WHITE LIE TURNS 
DARK DURING AN IMPROMPTU GAME OF CHICKEN 


Fiction by SCOTT SMITH 


“Jen gaining weight?” 

Rob senses rather than sees Vince turn to glance at him, his 
whole body shifting to do it, the leather creaking beneath him: a 
big, stiff-necked man. 

Saw her through the window this morning. In her robe. 
Looked a little, I don't know—plump?" 

Plump. Has Jen grown plump? Rob debates the matter, watch- 
ing the snowflakes rush past the windshield, too light, too dry to 
stick; Vince hasn't bothered to turn on the wipers yet. Well, why 
not? Plump is as accurate as any other word. Portly, padded, 
fe is growing plump, a little pink pig posing before 
the window in her bathrobe. 

“Pregnant,” he says, surprising himself. He has no idea where 
the word comes from but, having uttered it, accepts it and lets it 
hang there in the darkened car. 

That shifting glance again from Vince, but quicker this time, a 
double take o shii 

Rob nods. A joke, he thinks. They'll spend the ride home talking 
about due dates, doctors' appointments, all the changes a child 
would thrust upon his life. He tries to think of funny names, imag- 
ines Vince struggling to seem supportive: Anatole and Erasmus, 
Barbie and Petunia. Or Orange, maybe—a girl named Orange. 
Why should Vince always be the one to make the jokes? 

Vince slaps the wheel with his big hand. "Well, fuck, man! That's 
Lit? I mean, it's good, right? It's something you wanted?” 

Rob lifts an arm, an abbreviated shrug, still running names in 
his mind. Would Yellow be better than Orange? He smiles again, 
picturing a jaundiced litle girl, plump and blonde like her mother. 
Hello, Yellow. 

“Jen's happy? Jen must be happy." 

"Of course," Rob says. 

She would be, too. Jen comes from a big family; she'd want to 
quit her job, embrace the thing wholeheartedly. They'd have to 
move, he supposes, to a larger house, a better school district, 
something they can't afford just now. Rob works in the Parks 
Department, in procurement, a civil servant. He spends his days 
arranging for the purchase of fertilizer and grass seed, new swings 
for the playgrounds, dark green uniforms for the rangers. That's 
what Vince likes to call him—Ranger Rob. He's a bureaucrat, a 
pencil pusher, but Vince won't accept this. At barbecues, when 
someone's struggling with the grill, he'll shout, “Let Ranger Rob 
do it. He knows how to build a fire." Vince is an estate lawyer. He 
already has a bigger house. 

Vince flicks his blinker—click, click, click, click—shifts lanes. "How 
far along?" he asks. 

Time for bed, Red, Rob is thinking. Пе your shoe, Blue. Don’t 
frown, Brown. A little rainbow of children. A boxful of crayons. 


ILLUSTRATIONS BY JONATHAN WEINER 


109 


PLAYBOY 


110 


"Hmm?" he says. 

“When's she due?" 

"August," Rob answers, reflexively, 
thinking of his own birthday, then 
briefly panics, worried it's too distant, а 
10- or 11-month pregnancy. Hc counts 
quickly in his head, but he's safe. Seven 
months. A December conception 

Vince is obviously making the same 
calculations. "No way—on the trip?" 

The trip. Barbados, the two couples 
sharing a condo for a week. Rob and 
Jen lying in their bed each night, lis- 
tening through the thin walls as Vince 
and Grace fucked their way into sleep. 
One of them, he and Jen couldn't de- 
cide which, made an odd barking 
sound in the climb toward climax. Jen 
had hid her face in her pillow, laugh- 
ing. There was the sense—was it some- 
thing Jen bad said?—that Vince and 
Grace themselves had been trying to 
get pregnant. Unsuccessfully. For some 
time. But had Jen actually known this 
or merely been guessing? Rob wavers 
for an instant, contrite, searching for a 
way to wave his joke aside, harmlessly, 
a silly prank, but it doesn't come, not 
easily enough, and Vince is waiting. So 
he nods. "Little island baby," he says. 
“How cool is that?" 

“Well, Christ. I Vince can't seem 
10 find the words. Both hands grip the 
wheel, and he stares at the car ahead of 
them, the telegraphic dot-dot-dash of 
its brake lights. The snow is growing 
thicker, traffic slowing. “Big news,” he 
says, finally. “Big, big news.” 

And that's it. No more congratula- 
tions, no more questions. Yellow is 
poised in Rob's head; he's waiting, са- 
ger to speak the word—Yellow, we're 
thinking of naming her Yellow—but 
Vince refuses to indulge bim. He's sunk 
into himself, mute, concentrating on 
the driving, the pavement groving slick 
beneath them. Rob glances toward him, 
the hunch of his shoulders. His jaw is 
working—flexing, relaxing, flexing. 

They reach their exit off the turnpike, 
then the long wait at the tollbooth, 
inching, inching, inching, the lowered 
window with its refreshing draft of cold, 
the wordless exchange of money, the 
acceleration onto route 78—a span of 
10 minutes, maybe even 15—and still 
Vince is silent. The snow is growing wet 
now, the flakes larger. Vince turns on 
the wipers, and they go thump-thump, 
thump-thump as they slide across the 
windshield. “Can I ask you something?” 
vs, finally. “Hypothetically?” 
hoot." 

'ou're an honest guy, aren't you? 1 
mean, in a deep way?" 


ht? Even if 
there might be a little pain involved?" 
"That's what they say." 
“Hmm.” Vince taps the wheel with 


his fingers, thinking. "It's tricky. A t 
situation. Not certain how to play ii 

Rob is silent, waiting. 

“Play it straight, don't you think?" 
Vince asks. "Friends, even if it’s tricky, 
they ought to play it straight." 

"That's right." 

Vince shifts in his seat, clears his 
throat. He reaches toward his collar, as 
if to loosen his tie, but then just drops 
his hand back to the wheel. “So. Here's 
the thing. This baby. Jen's baby." 

Silence. 

"Go on," Rob prompts. 

But Vince has changed course sud- 
denly; he waves the whole thing a 
*Fuck it. Nothing. It's great. Congratu- 
lations. Really. That's all.” 

Rob turns to watch him. Vince's jaw 
is still working, his hands tight on the 


у 


wheel. Jealous, maybe. Rob experi- 
ences а hint of pleasure—guilty plea- 
sure, but pleasure nonetheless. He likes 
having something in his life for Vince 
to envy, even if it’s imaginary. There's а 
fraternal quality to their friendship, 
and with it a sense of hierarchy: Vince 
has always played the big brother— 
gregarious, confident, worldly—leav- 
ing Rob to tag along two steps behind, 
hesitant and deferential. But now Rob 
has found himself out in front, and he 
likes the feeling. He has to fight to 
keep from smiling. 

Vince senses his gaze, shifts to meet 

. "What?" 


"What you were gonna say. About 
the baby." 
“Fuck it, Rob. Seriously. It was stupid." 
“I want to hear 
“No you don't. 
"Don't be an ass, Vince. You started 
10 say something. You have to finish it." 


Vince sighs. He reaches toward his 
neck again, and this time he follows 
through, loosening his tie, undoing the 
top button on his shirt. 

“All right. The baby.” 

"Yellow." 

Vince falters at this, peerin; 
him through the darkened c: 

"We're going to call her Yello 

“You're joking.” 

Rob shakes his head. “We talked 
about it. Last night. Yellow Keegan.” 

“That's dumb, Rob. You can't name 
a baby Yellow.” 

“Of course we can.” 

“What do you think you are? 
Hippies?” 

Vince sounds genuinely angry at the 
idea, and it sets off a responding rush 
of anger in Rob. They've picked a 
name for their baby; what right does 
Vince have to criticize He gives 
Vince an impatient wave. “Just say what 
you meant to say." 

‘They pass a snowplow dropping salt, 
its flashing lights briefly illuminating 
the car's interior. Vince sighs. He 
speaks without looking at Rob, his eyes 
on the road in front of them, the 
swirling snow. “Fine,” he says. “Here's 
the thing. The tricky thing. About the 
baby. What 1 maybe shouldnt tell you, 
but then again 

“Would you please just say ie 
"It might not be yours 

There's a little parenthesis of lost 
time here—maybe 10 seconds—while 
Rob struggles to grasp the import of. 
this remark. “What're you saying?” 

A shrug from Vince. "It's something 
you'd want to know, isn't it? If it 
were true?” 

“The baby might not be mine.” 

“That's right." 

“Because?” 

“Well, that’s the pain part.” 

"Why wouldn't it be mine, Vince?" 

"You have to listen now, all right? 
You have to wait to get mad till you've 
heard the whole story. Because maybe 
it sounds like something it’s not. Some- 
thing worse." 

Rob waits. 

“It might be mine,” Vince says. 

Rob sees something close to a smile 
tug at Vince's face, just a hint, quickly 
suppressed. Immediately, he thinks 
The dog, the Fowlers yellow Lab. Не 
sighs. “Fuck you, Vince. You botched 
it—you smiled. That same little half 
smile you had when Jack Fowler came 
to ask about their dog." 

Vince doesn't say anything. He's 
squinting slightly, as if trying to deci- 
pher what Rob is talking about: Jack 
Fowler? A dog? 

‘The Fowlers had gone to Europe for 
a month. They'd left their dog— 
puppy, not quite a year old—with 

(continued on page 118) 


toward 
What?" 


"That's odd. There's a fat lady down there—and she's singing!” 


111 


CLASSIC ROCK 
CLASSICS | YLE 


The LPs of the 19705 offered more than hits—each cover delivered a 
uz full square Foot of attitude. We re-create the look behind the music 


A 


Wiholsialressede 


If a half-century of rock and гай! hos taught us anything, it’s that caol is far more than just a state of mind—it's also a state of dress, Nowhere is this 
theory mare on display than on the covers of classic rock albums. These pap culture masterpieces, produced before the days af tiny CD cover art, 
helped define rock star style for entire generations. These days, dressing like a guitar дод is easier thon ever. That’s why we've re-created а six- 
pack of classic covers, using clothes the artists would be wearing today. THAT PAGE: For two albums, Bruce Springsteen was just a Dylan 
wannabe from unhip New Jersey. Then came 1975's Barn ta Run, an American classic. Our Bass is in a leather jacket by Schott ($484), jeans 
by Parasuco (570) and a tank tap by 2xist ($16). Our Clarence is in a shirt by Parasuco (576), calfskin pants by Andrew Marc ($495) and 
a hot by Stetson (5200). THIS PAGE: The Who was not only one of the greatest bands in rock history—it was also a style trendsetter for 
decades. From left: Our John Entwistle is in pants ($200) and с python blazer ($5,565) by Calvia Kleia Collectios and a shirt by Paul Smith 
(5760). The boats are his own. Our Pete won't get faoled again in a knit shirt by NYBased (575), jeans by DKNY ($68) and high-tops by 
Tommy Hilfiger (555). Our Keith Moon is in jeans by Parasuco ($70), a T-shirt by Buckler (545) and boots by Tommy Hilfiger ($80). Our 
frontman is in frayed G-Brand jeans by Guess ($148), а henley shirt by Neil Barrett from Jeffrey, NYC (5210) and sneakers Бу Adidas (570). 


Fashion by joseph de acetis » produced by jennifer ryan jones + photography by nick cardillicchio 


WISH YOU WORE THIS 


Wish You Were Here wos Pink Floyd's 1975 ode to departed bond founder опа drug cosualty) Syd Borrett. И wos обо a bridge between two 
of the most successful albums of oll time—Dork Side of the Moon and The Woll. While Wish You Were Here never ochieved the monster soles 
of those culturel icons, топу oficionodos consider it the band's best ond most haunting work. The cover art of Wish You Were Here hos 
proved enduring too. Ploying against the band's psychedelic rep, the olbum cover shows two suits in a Hollywood back lot, perhaps 
representing record lobel execs putting the squeeze on the bond after the unprecedented success of Dark Side of the Moon. At left, Mr. 
Pink is in a single-breasted one-button suit by Perry Ellis (5495), a shirt by Calvin Klein Cellectien (5145), loafers by J.M. Westen (5325) 
and gold-rimmed sunglasses Бу Randelph for Fabulous Fonny’s (571). Mr. Floyd weors а two-button suit Бу Paul Smith ($1,020), a striped 
shirt ($175) and ќе (595) by Calvin Klein Cellectien, and pointed-toé loafers by Prada from Jeffrey, NYC ($510). 


set painting and props by brad Fisher 


Sly and the Family Stone's hippie-funk groove wos so successful, the band was ready for a greatest hits album in 1970—after just three years 
of recording. When it came to style, the band had it going on as well. Dance to the clothing, clockwise from top left: Face L. Hair is in o white 
tux shirt by Polo Jeans ($70), ski pants by Baloncingn (5760), a belt by Paul Smith ($230) and loafers by Prada (5510). Monsieur Paisley 
is in a shirt by NYBnsed (5295) and a hat by Paul Smith ($150). The protoraver is in an orange flight suit by Avirox ($125), а shirt by DAG 
($295) and shoes by Toschi Intornntionni ($385). Smiley wears a sleeveless too (540) and shirt ($125) by NYBased. Snow White is in a shirt 
by Porry Ellis ($40) and a fur vest from USA Furs by George ($995). Our Sly is in a polo shirt ($75) and blazer ($495) by Tommy Н 
That's pseudo-Sly in the car, too, in a polo by Tommy Hilfiger ($75) and a watch by Oris ($750). Sister Slinky is in a top by Paul Smith 
(5475), pants by Alico Roi (5515), a calfskin jacket by Levis Promium Outorwear (5498) and boots by Casadei (5620). 


Even in a genre rife with startling image makeovers, no band beat Fleetwood Mac, which in the 1970s went from English blues-rock 
shufflers to purveyors of slick, pristinely produced California pop. The key to the transformotion: the oddition of Lindsey Buckingham 
апа Stevie Nicks in 1975. With 1977's Rumours, the band reoched its creative ond commerciol peok. On the cover wos on image that left 
head-scratching fans osking, “What the hell ore those things hanging between his legs?" From left: To simulate the colf-length pants of 
the original cover, we've rolled up a regular poir of pants by NYBased ($100)—but unless your ideo of going out meons hitting the 
local Renaissonce fair, don't try this at home. He's око wearing a shirt by NYBased (585), o vest by Rainbew Stntien (580), socks by Geld 
Tee (56) and slippers by Capexle ($36). His sterling silver neckloce is by Jennifer Miller Jewelry ($265). Our Stevie is in a dress by Stella 
McCartaey (5670), stockings by Danskin (519) and slippers by Capezie ($58). Her brocelet is by Jeaaifer Miller Jewelry (5595). 


womens styling by meriem orlet 
set painting and props by brad fisher 


Hey, ho, let's go. The Ramones recorded their eponymous debut for $6,400 in 1976 and changed rock and roll forever. Never had the 
outer boroughs of New York seemed so cool. The Ramones filtered early-1960s pop—girl groups, surf music and Phil Spector—through 
a wash of punk noise and topped it with deliberately down-market lyrical imagery about glue sniffing, beatings and blitzkriegs. Oh, ond 
the black leather motorcycle jackets were o nice touch too. From left: Our Johnny wears o leather jacket by Schott ($405), jeans Бу DKNY 


(558), a T-shirt by Penguin (524) and a pair of Vans from XLarge ($90). Our Marky is in a leather jacket by Hugo Hugo Boss (5695), 
distressed jeans by Рагависо (5110), a T-shirt by Penguin (524) and sneakers by Fifty 24 SF (550). Our Joey is in a leather motorcycle 
iacket by Huge Huge Boss (5895), jeans by Diosol ($149) and sneakers by Vans fram XLarge (590). Our Dee Dee wears a leather 
jacket by Konnoth Celo (5425), jeans by DKNY (552), a T-shirt by Paul Smith (5130) and sneakers by Fifty 24 SF (550). 


WHERE AND HDW TO BUY DN PAGE 152. 


PLAYBOY 


118 


YELLOW „оет page 110) 


"] guess at some point she kind of straddled те—ту hip, 
1 mean. Like a baby would—can you picture that?” 


Grace and Vince. Vince spent the 
month training the dog. Every morn- 
ing, before he left for work, he gleefully 
mixed up commands, crossing wires. 
A joke. By the end of the month the 
word stay would send the dog running 
off across the yard. Down would get 
him to jump against your chest. Sit, 
and he'd stand on his hind legs. Shake, 
he'd lift his leg and pee. Rob was there 
when Jack Fowler came calling, with a 
puzzled expression on his face, two 
days after their return. He remem- 
bered that half smile of Vince's as he 
denied everything. Rex was the dog's 
name: the king of confusion. It was 
great fun, an immense hit at the neigh- 
borhood cocktail parties and barbe- 
cues, until stay sent the dog running 
into the road one afternoon, under the 
wheels of a school bus. 

“It's not funny," Rob says. “I was 
excited to tell you. This is...” He 
searches for a phrase with the neces- 
sary heft. “A huge moment in my life. 
It's not something to joke about.” 

Vince hits his blinker, shifts to the far 
right lane, eases them onto the median. 
He brings them to a stop, hazards 
flashing. It’s a narrow median. There's 
a low cement wall on one side, traffic 
rushing past on the other. Vince puts 
the car in park, shuts off the wipers, 
then sits for a moment, silent, his 
hands resting lightly on the wheel. The 
traflic sends snow swirling across the 
windshield in sudden gusts. When a 
truck passes, the entire car shudders in 
its wake. "I'm not joking,” Vince says. 

Another truck passes, shaking the 
car again. We shouldn't be parked 
here, Rob thinks. We're going to get 
hit. "You're saying” 

“That's right." 

“You and Jen." 

Vince nods, still not looking at him. 

Rob laughs, but it feels forced. "This 
isn't funny. Really. It's stupid.” 

Vince stares straight ahead, waiting 
him out. 

“You're such an ass. You know that 
Rob's voice has jumped in volume, 
rebelliously, against his vill. He tries to 
bring it back, but it only grows louder: 
"You're such a goddamn—" But he 
can't think of another name to call him. 
Ass is all he can drag up, and it seems 
silly to say it again. "You're jealous, 
aren't you?" 


Vince gives him a startled look. 
“Jealous?” 

“You can't have your own baby, so 
you try to shit on mine." 

“What're you talking about?" 

"You and Grace, you're trying to get 
pregnant, and yo” 

"We're not trying to get pregnant." 

Rob falters at this, frowning. “You're 
по?” 

Vince shakes his head. 

“Jen said you're trying to get preg- 
nant 
‘ince lifts his hands, lets them drop. 
"News to me." 

The snow is falling heavily now, coat- 
ing the car's windows, muflling every- 
thing: ıhe passing lights, the wet sound 
of tires speeding through the salt melt. 
Only the trucks maintain their proxim- 
ity; they seem to slap at the car as they 
rush by. 

"This doesn't have to be a big deal, 
Rob." 

Rob gives him an incredulous look. 
He wishes they weren't in the car; he 
wants to jump up, pace about. "You 
fucked my wife?" he says. "You had an 
affair? And that's not a big deal?" 

“It's not like that.” 

“What's that supposed to mean?" 

“We slept together... moment of 


Vince frowns, seems to conduct an 
internal debate. 

"How many times, Vince?” 

"Three." 

Rob takes that in. There was a first 
time, then a second one and then a 
third. "You and Jen," he says. "The two 
of you. Three times." 

Vince nods. "It was a vacation thing. 
It was stu I have no idea what we 
were thinking." 

The car's heater is on too high; Rob 
can feel his shirt sticking damply to his 
back. He considers struggling out of 
his jacket, but he can't find the strength 
10 move. He's heard enough; they 
should go home now. "Tell me," he 
says. “Tell me everything." 

Vince spends long enough thinking 
this through that Rob starts to suspect 
he might not speak at all. Then, 
abruptly, he begins to talk: 

"It was our third day down there. 
You got too much sun in the morning 
On your neck." He reaches up, touches 


the back of his own neck. "Remember? 
You forgot to put on sunscreen?" 

Rob nods, feeling it again for an in- 
stant, that band of burning rawness. 
Just turning his head had threatened 
to bring tears to his eyes. 

"Grace drank too much the night 
before. She was hungover—you know 
how she gets. When you said that you 
were heading back to the condo, she 
went too." 

Rob nods again—he remembers all 
this well enough. 

"She slept, I think," Vince says. "A 
nap. 1 don't know what you did." 

“1 took a bath." 

“Yeah?” 

Rob makes a rolling motion with his 
hand, urging Vince back on course 

“So we're on the beach, reading. You 
know, just a normal sort of afternoon 
down there——" 

Rob makes the rolling motion with 
his hand again. "I don't need you to 
painta fucking picture. I just ——" 

ТАШ E m——^ 

"Get to the point, Vince. Don't tell 
me about the beach. Don’t tell me what 
you were reading. Either tell me— 
right now—how you fucked my 
or I'm climbing out of the car." He 
reaches for the door handle. 

Vince pats at the air, cali 
nodding. "We went for a swim," 
says. "Late in the afternoon, right be- 
fore we were gonna leave. The two of 
us, standing out in the water, just be- 
yond where the waves were breaking. 
Bobbing up and down in the swells. 
That warm water—remember how 
warm it was?" 

“The point, Vince." 

“Right. The point. We were bobbing 
up and down in the swells, and one of 
them—it sort of threw Jen against me. 
1 caught her, held her up. And she 
slipped her arm around my neck. It 
was innocent, you know? Nothing sex- 
ual. We were just deep enough that it 
was hard for her to touch the bottom, 
so it seemed natural to keep standing 
like that, my arm around her waist, her 
arm around my shoulder, bobbing in 
the waves. Talking. And I guess at some 
point she kind of straddled me—my 
hip. I mean. Like a baby would—can 
you picture that?” 

He turns to look at Rob, but Rob 
just stares at him. Of course he can 
picture it. 

“There was nothing flirtatious about 
it—like I said, it seemed natural. We 
kept talking—where we might go for 
dinner, that sort of thing. We were bob- 
bing up and down, pressed together, 
me in my trunks, Jen in that little yel- 
low bikini of hers. And I guess at some 


(continued on page 147) 


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"This is a temporary position for six months or until my wife finds out 
about you, whichever comes first.” 


120 


Fasten your seat belts. With more scandal, more vitriol and more cash at stake 
than ever before, this could be the weirdest baseball season in history. 


Here's all the juice on who's up, who's down and who's out 

that George Steinbrenner isn’t still hu- Апа then there are the looming 
By ALLEN ST. JOHN aa by having his nose rubbed in scancals- an ever-growing number of 
Baseball is in a state of shock. The the sacred turf of the House That Ruth land mines waiting to explode onto the 
2004 season is set to start this month— Built. Baseball seasons usually heatup front page of your daily sports section. 
2,430 games, nearly 22,000 innings, іп late summer, when the rage born of So what will be the most enduring 
during which stars will be born and ca- competition starts to fuel the game. stories of 2004? Read on. 
reers will be destroyed and millions This season begins on that note. THE 5 WORD. This season. for the 
of dollars will change hands, 3 The wild postseason led first time in history, every major 
justas in so many summers be- dd to an equally wild off- league baseball player will be 
fore. But given what hap- season. No, the trade / \ subject to random steroid test- 
pened last October and over | of the century—the ) ing. If we go through a second 
the winter, (his season could | straight year without some- 


be freakier (han any other in shifted the alle- У one hitting 50 home runs, or 
150 years of midget pinch hit- S giances offive All-Stars, ГУ if certain suspiciously beefy 
ters, bench-clearing brawls and most notably Alex Ri players suddenly resemble 
acid-tripping aces. FERIIS. driguez. the game's Ichiro from the neck down, 

Let's start with last year's highest-paid player- what will that say about the pu- 


wild-ride postseason. You're mistaken didn’t come to fruition. Still, two for- rity of recent stats? Which records 
if you think for a minute that the Cubs mer MVPs, two Cy Young Award win- should have asterisks next to them? 
aren't desperate to erase from memory ners, two 20-game winners and a guy With the Balco investigation under 
their monumental collapse, that the who has been compared to a young way, these questions will come into 
potential for violence between Red Sox Joe DiMaggio changed addresses. Few play this season. Ten years from now, 
and Yankees fans and players isn’t real, teams resemble what they once were. folks could be dissing Barry Bonds's 


home run records—he’s fewer than 


100 behind Hank Aaron for the all-time 
mark—in a way Pete Rose could never 
have imagined. Or not. Stay tuned. 
ANYONE CAN WIN. The Tigers will 
make the playoffs sooner or later. 
(Okay, later.) But in the 21st century, 
"inning is no longer just a func- 
tion of payroll but of the new 
way GMs are evaluating tal- 
ent. Each year a small-market ё 
club—the Twins, the Angels, 
the Royals—comes out of | 


s prove that it's better ames 
to be smart than rich. The KAL 
Mets spent twice as much as the 

shed 24 and a half 
games behind them. 

So which team will step up this sea- 
son? The underach ng Rangers? 
The Padres, with their young pitching 
and new park? These teams could lose 
95 games—but they're capable of win- 
ning that many as well. No matter what 
baseball town you live in, don't be 
surprised to see games played 
there come October. 

THE с WORD. Sometime last 
winter baseball's owners got | 
together and took a blood 
oath, like kids in a tree # 
house: “No more expensive 
free agent contracts. Pinkie 
swear.” At least that's what 
the suits at the Players Asso- 
ciation believe. Hell, the off-season 
free agent market was flatter than 
Debra Messing. Free agents just 
aren't getting the big money. The 
owners say they're being frugal. The 
players’ union says it smells like col- 
lusion part two, that the owners made 


um 


a deal not to bid against each other for 
free agents. (In the aftermath of part 
one, in 1987, the players won a cool 
$280 million settlement.) 

This is more than just a business- 
page story. If the players are correct, 
baseball is less about winning than it 
œ is about jacking up profits for a 

№ small handful of greedy suits. 
Б Either way, after an unprece- 
| dented 15 months of peace, 
the sports world's answer 
Dto the Hatfields and the 
Ү McCoys are at it again. Get 
ready for war. 

THF CURSE WILL BE BROKEN. 

Repeat after us: The Red Sox 
and Cubbies aren’t cursed, 
they're incompetent. Babe Ruth’s de- 
parture didn't cause the Sox's post- 
season failures—a weak bullpen did, 
the problem that plagued the team 
from week one of last season. And the 
Cubs? If they had a bullpen in the 
postseason they'd be getting fitted for 
rings right no 

Guess what Santa brought to Bean- 
town and the Windy City? Keith 

» Foulke and LaTroy Hawkins, 
respectively, two relievers who 

| could deliver baseball fans 

their dream World Series: 
Red Sox vs. Cubs. We can see 
it now. They'll get to game sev- 
I-biting in- 

nings. Boston will blow a lead 
when its first baseman boots a 


the stands and alter the course of his 
tory. And at 3:42 a.m. Eastern time the 
game will be called on account of Bud 
g asleep. 


Selig f 
Or the Cubs will just beat the Sox in 


six games. 


PLAYBOY'S 


NL East: 
Phlllies 
NL Central: 
Cubs 
NL West: 
Giants 
NL wild card: 
Astros 
AL East: 
Red Sox - 

AL Central: 
Twins 
AL West: 
Mariners 
AL wild card: 
Blue Jays 
NL champions: 
Cubs 


AL champions: 


Hank Blalock — 


Although it seems as if he's been around 
longer than Mookie Blaylock, Hank is just 
now completing puberty. Last year the 
23-year-old third baseman hit .300 with 
29 homers and 90 RBI for the Rangers 
and socked the decisive dinger at the All- 
Star game (see photo above). Runner-up: 

either of the Matsuis, 


Kerry Wood 


‘Sure, Pedro Martinez will probably incite 
a riot in the Bronx this year. But Wood 
could incite the wrath of the entire 
league. The hurler, who throws 100 mph 
fastballs, has led the NL in hit batters for 
two years running. Last season he 
plunked more guys than any pitcher since 
1969. Hitters are going to start swinging. 


Most Valuable Fan 


Bridget Hall 


This gorgeous 26-year-old Sports Mius- 
trated swimsuit model likes America's 
pastime so much, she was spotted arriv- 
ing alone at Derek Jeter's Manhattan 
apartment at four o'clock one morning this 
off-season. Rumors promptly flew. Was. 
she looking for baserunning tips? Who 
cares? We just can't take our eyes off her. 


Mo Vaughn 


The man with the ever-expanding waistline 
played in 27 games last year—and eamed 
$23 million (do the math!). This year he'll 
pocket $15 million for terrorizing fast-food 
joints rather than pitchers. The all-but- 
retired Vaughn will suit up for zero games 
in 2004. Нед be a bargain if the Mets were 
paying by the pound. —Allen Barra 


ds) } Last season: 95-67. The 
(Qiu) Sox were on their way to 
beating the Yankees in the 
ell, you know the rest. 
Scouting report: Whoa! GM Theo 
Epstein acquired Curt Sch g (ca- 
reer 163 wins, 3.33 ERA), who'll team 
with Pedro Martinez for a knockout 
one-two punch in the rotation. He also 
added closer Keith Foulke from the 
A's, who'll bolster the bullpen. This 
staff could be dynamite. In the field, 
newly acquired second baseman Pokey 
Reese will add some much-needed 
leather. David Ortiz (592 slugging per- 
centage) and Bill Mueller (AL-best .326 
average) won't repeat their breakout 
years at the plate, but they won't have to. 
X factor: New skipper Terry Francona 
will have to mend fences with Nomar 
Garciaparra and Manny Ramirez, both 
nearly dealt in the failed A-Rod trade. 


Last season: 86-76. Lend- 
ing a little order to an oth- 
erwise unpredictable world, 


You can make an 
argument for Carlos Delgado (42 
homers, 145 RBI) as the game's best 
hitter, for Vernon Wells (33 homers, 
117 RBD as the game's next super- 
star, for Roy Halladay (22-7, Cy 
Young Award) as the best pitcher in 
all of baseball. Still, the Jays haven't 
made the playoffs since 1993. 
Whether they can pull it off this year 
depends on... 

X factor: ...three newly acquired 
pitchers, including the projected 
number-two starter (Miguel Batista), 
the number-three starter (Ted Lilly) 
and closer Kerry Ligtenberg, whose 
best year was in 1998, when he tallied a 
mediocre 30 saves with the Braves. 
Prediction: The Jays will sneak in as 
the wild card. “О Canada...!” 


3. New York Yankees 


Last season: 101-61. For 
any other club, a World 
Series loss is a good season. 
Not for the Yankees. 

Scouting report: Call it heresy, but 
replacing Andy Pettitte, Roger 
Clemens and Jeff Weaver with Javier 
Vazquez, Kevin Brown and a full sea- 


Talk about your fantasy team. By our calculations three of these players are the greatest ever 
zat their positions (can you guess which?). Total team payroll: $101 million. And worth it! 


; e 


son of Jose Contreras could make the 
pitching better. At the plate, though, 
this lineup is dubious, led by a hob- 
bled Jason Giambi (.250), an aging 
Bernie Williams (64 RBI), a streaky 
Alfonso Soriano (130 strikeouts, 38 
walks) and Gary Sheffield (.330). th 
newest pin-striped superstar, who will 
have to pull a lot of weight. 

X factor: Zenmaster closer Mariano 
Rivera, 34, has made three trips to the 
in the past two seasons. 
The Yanks will miss the 
playoffs for the first time since 1993. 


4. Baltimore Orioles 


Last season: 71-91. The 
O's finished with their 
sixth straight losing summer. 
Ever seen a bird fly full speed into a 
window? Welcome to Camden Yards. 
Scouting report: In Miguel Tejada (27 
homers, 106 RBI), Javy Lopez (.328, 
43 homers) and Viagra stud Rafael 
Palmeiro (38 homers, 112 RBI), the 
Orioles added heavy bats to an already 
decent lineup (ranked 10th out of 30 in 
batting average last year). But manage- 
ment also cut loose some key pitchers, 
including Jason Johnson and Damian 
Moss. The team’s top returning 
hurlers are, um, Rodrigo Lopez (7-10) 
and Omar Daal (4-11). The good news: 
Sidney Ponson has signed for 2004. 
X factor: The O's sold 2.5 million tick- 
ets last year, 1.2 million fewer than in 
1997. Our advice: free beer. Never fails. 
Prediction: Lots of hitting—in both 
halves of the inning—will juice Cam- 
den Yards and make new manager Lee 
Mazzilli pine for the Bronx. 


5. Tampa Bay Devil Rays 


Last season: 63-99. Man- 
ager Lou Piniella doesn't 
like to lose. He's in the 
wrong town. 

Scouting report: The D-Rays had the 
lowest payroll in baseball last season, 
and they don’t figure to spend much 
more this year. The squad has some 
young talent, like Carl Crawford, who 
may be the best athlete in the bigs (he 
was recruited as a quarterback by Ne- 
braska and as a point guard by UCLA), 
and rising stars Aubrey Huff (.311, 34 
homers) and Rocco Baldelli. But the 
pitching remains suspect. At best. 

X factor: Tampa Bay has seen its 
attendance fall every year the team 
has been in the league. 

Pr п: If last year proved any- 
thing, it’s that any club can win the 
World Series. Except the Devil Rays. 


Our team-by-team breakdown, In order of projected finish 


1. San Francisco Giants 


Last season: 100-61. Los- 
ing the World Series and 
manager Dusty Baker didn't 
faze the Giants, who won their second 
division title in four years. 

Scouting report: The good news is 
that they acquired catcher A.]. 
Pierzynski (.312), who might be their 
second-best hitter behind Barry 
Bonds. That's also the bad news. They 
lost Rich Aurilia (mediocre in 2003, 
but he hit .324 with 37 homers in 
2001) to the Mariners. On the mound, 
Jason Schmidt is a true ace. Since 
coming over from Pittsburgh in 2001, 
he's gone 37-14 with a 3.06 ERA. 

X factor: For this team to click, untest- 
ed hurlers Jerome Williams, 22, and 
Kevin Correia, 23, will have to step up. 
Prediction: The win-it-now Giants 
will go as far as 39-year-old Bonds will 
take them. And that should be deep. 


2. San Diego Padres 


Last season: 64-98. The 
weather was great. The 
baseball wasn't. 
Scouting report: Is this a baseball team 
or a day care center? A group of 
promising kids, led by third baseman 
Sean Burroughs and shortstop Khalil 
Greene, will help power the Pads, 
while vets David Wells and Ismael 
Valdes will support young guns Jake 
Peavy, Adam Eaton and Brian Law- 
rence on the mound. Newly acquired 
Brian Giles (427 on-base percentage 
since moving to the NL) and a full sea- 
son of Phil Nevin will improve the line- 
up. GM Kevin Towers has raised the 
team's payroll to $60 million to move 
the Pads into quick contention. 

X factor: With San Diego's gorgeous 
female fans showing up in bikini tops, 
will the young players be able to keep 
their eye on the ball? 

Prediction: A little luck (okay, a lot) 
could make the Padres this year's ver- 
sion of the 2003 Marlins. 


3. Los Angeles Dodgers 


Last season: 85-77. The 
last time the Dodgers won a 
di jon title in a nonstrike 
season, Slim Fast-chuggin’ Tommy 
Lasorda was the manager. 

Scouting report: While first in ERA, 
the Dodgers finished dead last in the 
majors in runs scored in 2003, and 
they don't figure to get any better this 
season. Their great hope: Juan Encar- 
nacion (94 RBI), acquired from Flori- 


da. He won't be enough. The Dodgers 
traded ace Kevin Brown for head case 
Jeff Weaver, but 20-year-old super- 
prospect Edwin Jackson (2-1, 2.45 
ERA in three late-season starts) could 
be the second coming of Pedro Mar- 
tinez. The game's best closer, Eric 
Gagne (55 saves in 55 opportunities), 
will hold as many leads as this team's 
anemic offense can give him. 

X factor: After hitting 91 homers in the 
two previous seasons, Shawn Green hit 
19 in 2003. Bat him cleanup or leadoff? 
Prediction: The Dodgers will give the 
crowds at Chavez Ravine little reason 
not to beat the traffic. 


4. Arizona Diamondbacks 


Last season: 84-78. The 

D-backs posted their worst 
record since their 1998 ex- 
pansion season. 
Scouting r The addition of 
Richie Sexson (45 homers, 124 RBI) 
should boost what was a meager line- 
up—36-year-old Luis Gonzalez and 
39-year-old Steve Finley were the only 
hitters to drive in more than 52 runs in 
2003. But the club's real strength has 
always been pitching. Despite an un- 
derwhelming 10-9 record, rookie 
Brandon Webb finished fourth in the 
NL in ERA (2.84). He could offset the 
loss of Curt Schilling. 
X factor: Cooperstown-bound hulk 
Randy Johnson turned 40 last Sep- 
tember (nine days before hitting his 
first major league homer). Tough to 
say what he'll do this year. 
Prediction: Sorry, folks. There will be 
no October surprise in Arizona in 2004. 


5. Colorado Rockles 


Last season: 74-88. The 
Rockies had the most ex- 
treme home-road splits in 
baseball, going 49-32 (.605) at Coors 
and only 25-56 (.309) on the road. 
Scouting report: Management spent 
the off-season signing players from all 
over and sending others packing. All 
this movement will have littl pact. 
We're not sure what GM Dan O'Dowd 
is trying to pull. The biggest incoming 
name is aging Vinny Castilla (277, 22 
homers with the Braves), who thi а 
with the Rockies in the 1990s. Mean- 
while Todd Helton (.358, second in the 
poised for another great year. 
n the mound, club ace Jason 
Jennings (12-13, 5.11 ERA) is no doubt 
counting the days until free agency. 
Dig offense? Watch the 
Rockies. Dig winning? Look elsewhere. 


The brawls you'll get off on 
this season. In this cornei 


Watching Red Sox ace Martinez body- 
slam 72-year-old Don “the Hulk” Zimmer in last 
season's American 
League Championship 
Series was both shock- 
ing and hilarious (sorry, 

Zim, you asked for it). 
But watching Pedro 
throw heat at the heads 
of Yankees batters was 
just plain scary. That the 
Yanks humiliated him 
and won the series only 
added fuel to this fire. 

Asin last year's ALCS, it'll take the 
entire Yankees lineup to subdue Pedro when the 
fists fly. The 170-pound Dominican will hit any- 
body—geriatrics, team mascots, kittens... . 


This Milton Bradley doesn't play 
games. The Indians’ young star has had heated 
words with Dodgers 
catcher Paul Lo Duca, 

Royals catcher Mike 
DiFelice and others. His. 
statement to the те! 
last year says it all: “If 
you don't know me and I 
don't know you, don't 
approach me and I won't 
approach you. Don't 
insult me and 1 won't 
insult you, because you 
don't know what | will or won't do." 
is guy is so disliked—one of his 
‘own teammates put a sign near his locker read- 
ing SHUT UP дно PLAY—Somebody will knock some 
sense into him. Soon. 


Last June Cincinnati's Paul Wilson took 
a step toward the mound 
after Chicago's Kyle 
Farnsworth had brushed 
him back. Ina turn of the — 
tables. the six-foot-four, 
240-pound pitcher (and 
former prep school line- -~ 
backer) charged home 
plate and decked Wilson. 
Talk about seeing red. 
We'll be surprised ifthe 
benches don't clear 
again this season. 
: The kids! Young, impressionable fans 
learn plenty from watching adults in tights beat 
each other bloody. —Bruce Feldman 


123 


Last season: 90-72. Di 
sion champs. These players 
are scoring—chicks, that is. 
Scouting report: No money? No prob- 
lem. The Twins’ farm system has yield- 
ed three players ready to move into the 
lineup—atcher Joe Mauer and infield- 
ers Justin Morneau and Mike Cuddyer. 
They hope that will make up for the 
loss of A.J. Pierzynski (.312, 74 RBI). 
The team will need everything it can 
get for the $6 million it’s paying Shan- 
non Stewart (.307 but only 13 dingers). 
X factor: Pitching. Southpaw Johan 
Santana (12-3, 3.07 ERA) is a jewel, but 
the team lost closer Eddie Guardado 
and setup man LaTroy Hawkins. 
Prediction: The Twins will snatch the 
division in the final days of the season. 


2. Kansas City Royals 


Last season: 83-79. Kansas 

City bounced back after los- 
ing 100 games in 2002. 
Scouting report: The Royals are a tes- 
tament to the quality of baseball’s scrap 
heap. Sure, shortstop Angel Berroa 
(great baseball name) was AL Rookie of 
the Year, but the guys who pulled the 
weight were journeymen, most of whom 
return this season: Joe Randa, Jose 
Lima, Curt Leskanic. The big news in 
Kansas City? The arrival of two-time- 
MVP outfielder Juan Gonzalez and the 

ing of Carlos Beltran. Score! 

X factor: Can Gonzo stay healthy? 


yu 
m 


He played only 152 games in the past 
two seasons. 

Prediction: Don't be surprised if this 
club takes the field for a 163rd game. 


3. Chicago White Sox 


Last season: 86-76. Five 
consecutive September loss- 
es to the Twins cost this team 
the division. That’s gotta hurt. 
Scouting report: Let’s see. The Sox 
lost their best starting pitcher (Bartolo 
Colon), their best reliever (Tom Gor- 
don), an All-Star outfielder (Carl 
Everett) and a Hall of Fame second 
baseman (Robbie Alomar). They did 
re-sign outfielder Carlos Lee and 
southpaw hurler Mark Buerhle, but 
that’s a Band-Aid on a bullet wound. 

X factor: Is Esteban Loaiza for real? 
Last year’s numbers (21-9, 2.90 ERA) 
say one thing. His 69-73 career record 
entering 2003 says something else. 

Р оп: New manager Ozzie 
Guillen will need every bit of the 
goodwill he built up in 13 years of 
playing in the dirt at Comiskey Park. 


4. Cleveland Indians 


Last season: 68-94. The 
team amused fans by play- 
ing guys named Milton 
Bradley and Coco Crisp. 

Scouting report: The Indians didn't 
pick up any serious new talent. The 
club will rely on youngsters such as 
Ryan Ludwick, Victor Martinez and 


a a. 


Ken Macha 


Alex Escobar, hoping that a couple will 
break out the way Bradley did last sea- 
son (team-high 321 average). Key play- 
er: Cleveland's ace, C.C. Sabathia (13-9, 
3.60 ERA), is young enough to be part 
of the rebuilding program. 

X factor: Bradley is a head case (see 
“Field of Screams” on page 123). Will 
he end up an All-Star or an inmate? 
Prediction: It’s been 55 years since 
the Indians won a World Series. Next 
stop: 56. Go Browns! 


5. Detroit Tigers 


Last season: 43-119. The 
Tigers didn't just suck. 
They sucked like Madonna's 
last album. Worse, even. 

Scovting report: Tigers GM Dave 
Dombrowski built the Marlins" 1997 
title team and the foundation of their 
2003 team. Now he's making a commit- 
ment to prospects such as first baseman 
Carlos Pena and shortstop Omar In- 
fante, and pitchers Jeremy Bonderman, 
Nate Cornejo and Franklyn German. 
The future could get brighter. But for 
2004, even Pudge Rodriguez wouldn't 
make a difference. 

X factor: Bonderman lost 19 games 
last year. But that's a ton of big-league 
experience for a 20-year-old. Don't be 
surprised if the young gun turns out 
to be 2004's silver lining. 

Prediction: The Tigers will make a 
nail-biting September run for second- 
to-last place! And come up short. 
(continued on page 159) 


Most Likely 
to Hit a Walk-Off 
World Series Home Run 


Martinez is a future Hall of Famer, but 
shouldn't a great pitcher be able to find а 
way to get five more outs with a three-run 
lead in the most important game of his 
life? And then there ere his antics—diss- 
ing his own manager, hiding from the me- 
dia, bloodying septuapenarians. Can you 
say “prima donna”? We knew you could. 


The A's skipper was outmanaged by the 
Red Sox's Grady Little during last year's 
postseason. His players made Little 
League-Jike baserunning errors, and 
we're still scratching our heads about. 
why he pinch-hit for Jermaine Dye in 
game five. If the A's get off to a bad start, 
Macha could be flipping burgers by July. 


You want healthy concession food? Keep 
searching. Boog's Bar-B-0's tangy beef 
sandwich at Camden Yards gets the nod 
this season for best ballpark meal. The, uh, 
low-fat plate was inspired by the prodi- 
ious appetite of 240-pound first baseman 
Boog Powell, who spent 14 summers in 
Baltimore. Bon appétit. 


Last season's most dramatic homers were 
hit by slumping Yankee Aaron Boone and 
the Marlins’ Alex Gonzalez, of all people. 
Our pick for this season's most unlikely 
hero is the other Alex Gonzalez. The Cubs 
shortstop will atone for his fateful 2003 
playoff error with а dinger that will warm 
all of the Midwest. —Allen Barra 


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The supermodel hits all the right notes— 
and loses all the right clothes 


Mm www 


4 j MÁ s one ofthe world's top mod- 
els, Rachel Hunter has made a stellar career out 
of showing off the latest trends in sexy 
swimwear. So why did she decide the time was 
right to show off her birthday suit? "I never had a 
problem with nudity growing up, and | think you 
get to a place where you're comfortable with 
yourself," says the 34-year-old native New 
Zealander, flashing a hint of her trademark mis- 
chievous smile. "You think, Fuck it, why not?" 

Such leaps of faith have long helped her stand 
out from the crowd. After initially dreaming of 
being a ballerina, five-foot-11 Rachel began mod- 
eling at the age of 17, and in 1989 she left her 
footprints in the sand by making the first of sev- 
eral appearances in Sports Illustrated's annual 
swimsuit issue. Of course, being among the most 
recognizable models in the world has a way of 
attracting famous men, one of the most persis- 
tent of whom was rocker Rod Stewart. In 1990, 
though he was 24 years her senior, the two got 
married. They experienced the ups and downs 
typical of a glamorous rock couple and, after 

having two children together, separated in 1999. 
"All сап say about Rod is that he's an awesome 
father and an amazing person," says Rachel, 
who notes that their divorce is only now becom- 
ing final. "I just got married very, very young." 

While making her home in Los Angeles, Rachel 
studied acting, which led to parts in several indie 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY SANTE D'ORAZIO 


movies and a role in the 2001 Mark 
Wahlberg film Rock Star as— 
surprise—a rock star's wife. But per- 
haps her biggest on-screen splash 
to date was in the recent Fountains 
of Wayne video for “Stacy's Mom," 
in which she stars as the object of a 
teenage boy's lusty daydreams. “I've 
always been seen in a commercial 
way, so | wanted to go over that bar- 
rier and strip on top of the kitchen 
table," she laughs. "| was shocked 
that the video became so popular, 
but I had a great time doing it." The 
video's, uh, climax is a slow-motion 
Shot of Rachel emerging from a 
swimming pool in a red bikini. It's а 
direct homage to the famous Fast 
Times at Ridgemont High scene with 
Phoebe Cates, but Rachel insists she 
didn't prep by watching the 1982 
teen flick. "I had no idea about that 
Scene, but every guy apparently loves 
it," she says. “I did look at itafterward 
because | hoped | hadn't mimicked 
her exactly." Now that Rachel has 
toweled off, you can catch her next 
in the Sci-Fi Channel movie Larva. 
Though she says you'd find mostly 
hip-hop in her CD collection, Rachel 
does seem to have an affinity for 
rock musicians. After splitting with 
Stewart she was linked to singer 
Robbie Williams and is currently 
seeing Puddle of Mudd frontman 
Wes Scantlin. Which begs the ques- 
tion: What is it with models and 
rockers? Rachel chuckles. "They 
should have sessions for us, like AA 
meetings. It's just as weird to me as 
it must seem to anyone else. It's not 
like | go out hunting musicians or 
hang out at concerts, like, 'Let me 
find myself a rock star!' | meet them 


REWINDING RACHEL 1994 nirean toon suas wil Ele Macpherson ола Katy een fer lef] ln 


и 


through friends or if I'm out having a 
drink. 1 don't expect anyone to sit 
down and play me the guitar—it's 
not a prerequisite to whether ГИ go 
out with you or not." 

A love for animals just might be a 
prerequisite, however. Rachel dotes 
on her two horses and established a 
fund to protect lowland gorillas after 
touring their habitat in the Ugandan 
rain forest in 2000. * saw how similar 
they are to us," she says. "Actually, 
in some ways | think they have their 
shit together better than we do." 
Don't worry, we're not in danger of 
losing Rachel to the wilds any time 
soon. "I like hot baths. To be com 
pletely greedy, | would want to live 
onabig ranch and still be able to go 
out to a nice restaurant,” she says. "1 
love the big-city thing and going out 
dancing, but I may have to stop that 
Soon, because | certainly don't want 
to run into my kids at a club!” When 
we ask if she's more cautious about 
marriage now, she shakes her head 
“I'm a ridiculous and hopeless 
romantic," she says. "I'm pretty fear- 
less when it comes to love. ! still 
jump in...with four feet." 


Rochel got o tattoo of о bee, 
inspired by her production 
compory, the Bees Knees, but 
has since had it altered. "It is 
now being transformed into o 
cross between a Celtic god- 
dess ond the Virgin Mary ot 
the base of my spine," she 
soys, "which I guess would put 
опу Catholic bay inta o state!” 


Kevin Smith 


The Jersey-obsessed director has taken 


Church and Disney. 


1 


PLAYBOY: In retrospect, considering 
the huge bomb that was Gigli, does 
casting Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez 
in your new movie, Jersey Girl, seem 
like a smart idea? 

SMITH: Just make sure you don't call the 
movie Gigli 2. 1 wasn'tone of the people 
who hated Gigli, but look, Jersey Girl is 
not about Ben and Jen. It’s about Ben's 
character coping with being a dad, be- 
cause Jen's character dies within the 
first 15 minutes. We were trying to keep 
that quiet at first, because her death 15 
supposed to feel unexpected, but after 
the mess with Gigli, the secret got out. 
[smiles] Which was fine with me. 


2 


PLAYBOY. Did you bust Affleck's balls 
about Gigli mirroring certain plot 
points of your previous collaboration, 
Chasing Amy? 

swrri Oh yeah, totally. The first time 1 
saw it I turned to Ben and said, "Dude, 
are you trying to corner the market on 
ht guys who flip lesbians?" He 
Yeah, there's a similarity. The big 
difference is that I got paid a hell of a 
lot more for doing this movie." 


3 


PLAYBOY: Do you think the Bennifer 
brouhaha will help or hurt Jersey Girl? 

SMITH: Controversy is never good. It's 
always negative. Clerks, Chasing Amy, 
Dogma—they ve all been dogged by 
some sort of controversy. When I 
started Jersey Girl 1 was like, “Okay, 
there's nothing objectionable about 
this movie. It's completely inoffen- 
sive.” And then the fucking anti-Ben 
and Jen wagon comes rolling along 
and I find myself out there doing spin 
control again. The thing is, I got won- 
derful performances out of both of 
them because they were playing a 
couple falling in love while they were 
being a couple falling in love. But to- 


Interview by Paul Young 


But can he survive 


ward the end ofthe production, I was 
behind the monitor with Jennifer, 
watching Ben, and she said, “Не just 
doesn't understand. It'll never be this 
good again." And I said, "What are you 
talking about?" She was like, “1 mean 
everything is perfect. We're falling in 
love, we're having fun, he's working 
with you, and he thinks we can do this 
with every movie. But we can't. It'll 
never be like this again." 


4 


PLAYBOY: Do you still call yourself an 
indie filmmaker now that you've 
moved from your beloved New Jersey 
to Hollywood? 

SMITH: Dude, I haven't made an indie 
movie since Clerks. But it depends on 
how you define indie. If it's not having 
a budget, then I haven't been an indie 
filmmaker in a while, because people 
have given me a budget for every 
movie since then. If it's defined Бу con- 
tent, then maybe I'm still an indie film- 
maker, depending on the movie. 


5 


pLavgov: Do your fans bitch that you're 
selling out? 

5мггн: Maybe, but I don't think I've 
sold out, at least not in the way that 
everyone defines it, like I have no in- 
tegrity. If I was going to sell out I 
wouldn't have made Dogma or even Jay 
and Silent Bob Strike Back. You don't 
make a 90-minute in-joke where you 
fuck around with your friends on 
someone else's dime and call yourself a 
sellout. Selling out would be directing 
Mighty Ducks 9. 


6 


PLAYBOY: Jersey Girl is your first film that 
doesn't include at least a cameo by 
ubiquitous stoner characters Jay and 
Silent Bob. How did old pal Jason 
Mewes, who plays Jay, take the news? 

змитн; Jay and Silent Bob are dead for 


PLAYBOY'S 


200 


on the Catholic 
Bennifer? 


now. But 1 always told Mewes that if he 
could get clean and sober 1 would think 
about doing another film with them. 
And he's been clean for nine months 
now, which is the longest in eight years, 
because he seems to stay clean only 
when we're shooting movies. 


7 


PLAYBOY: In addition to being a pot- 
head icon, Mewes has been busted for 
heroin. Do you indulge in controlled 
substances with him? 

SMITH: I can count on two or three 
hands the times I've been stoned. It's 
just not productive. You can't get shit 
done. With Mewes, I've seen the toll 
that drugs can take. It's been heart- 
breaking, watching him go in and out. 
If he had stayed with weed, he proba- 
bly could have managed. I don't even 
like the taste of booze. I'd rather drink 
chocolate milk, because it tastes better. 
The only drink I can really get behind 
is one of those strawberry margaritas, 
which is more like candy. 


8 


PLAYBOY: Have you ever written any- 
thing so outrageous that no one would 
allow you to shoot it? 

SMITH: I took a scene out of Mallrats in 
which Silent Bob is spying on Joey 
Lauren Adams's character in a dress- 
ing room. He starts jerking off and 
shoots a wad that goes over the top of 
the stall and into the other room. 
Then you hear her scream. Through- 
out the rest of the movie, when you 
see her she's supposed to have this 
spot on her hair where it's stiff from 
all the come. And the executives were 
like, "You can't do that. Forget it. 
We'll get an NC-17 rating and it won't 
get released and nobody will find it 
funny. It’s just tasteless!" But years 
later I went to see There's Something About 
Mary, and the poster—the poster—is of 
Cameron Diaz with come in her hair. 


2003 PHOTOGRAPHY BY BLAKE LITTLE 


PLAYBOY 


138 


And I was just like, “Fuck! I should 
have stuck to my guns.” 


9 


PLAYBOY: What's the weirdest script 
you've ever been asked to direct? 

Smith: Right after Clerks, this producer 
pitched an idea called Hot Rod. It was 
about Michael Jackson morphing into a 
car. No lie. Jackson was behind it, and he 
wanted it to be this story about a guy, 
played by himself, who hangs out with a 
little boy, and this little boy gets into the 
carand drives him around. In retrospect 
Га love to make that movie. But it 
wouldn't be anything like the version 
Jackson or the studio wanted to see. 


10 


PLAYBOY Why do your movies have so 
many homosexual references? 

surrH All that gay stuff is in there be- 
cause of my brother. When he first told 
me he was gay, I asked him, "What hap- 
pens when you go to movies and see a 
girl and guy fall in love?” And he was 
like, “It's no big deal, because it happens 
all the time. But ultimately you just don't 
feel like you're being included.” And 
that affected me, because when 1 go to 
movies the whole point is to connect with 
the characters. So I started throwing in 
the gay stuff for my brother and his 
friends so they wouldn't feel left out. 


11 


PLAYBOY: Even your hetero characters 
are surprisingly intimate. Do you think 
guys are generally too repressed when it 


comes 10 expressing their feelings? 
SMITH: Depends. I mean, look at Clerks. 
Those two dudes are onc cock and a 
mouth away from being gay. They spend 
all their waking hours together. They 
have ıhe most intimate conversations. 
The only thing they haven't said is 
"Okay, let's just fuck.” I'm not saying 
that's what guys want, but chicks are to- 
tally free of that. 1 haven't met а woman 
who hasn't had a girl-on-girl dalliance, 
yet Е can't point to a single guy I know 
who has had a guy-on-guy dalliance. 
None of them crosses that line. And 
that's a weird double standard. 


12 


PLAYBOY. What's the kinkiest thing you've 
ever done? 

surru: When 1 was younger I was in a 
three-way with a girl and another guy, but 
he was on one end and I was on the other, 
so it wasn’t a total orgy or anything like 
that. Later there were three-ways with me 
and two girls. But it’s always a slippery 
slope when you're involved with one of 
the girls. Spend a little too much timeover 
there and not enough over there and 
there may be hell to pay later on. 


13 


PLAYBOY: Have you ever thought about 
directing a porn flick? 

SMITH: I love porn films, but I've never 
seriously considered shooting one. If 
you look at my movies, it’s pretty obvi- 
ous that my language isn’t very visual. [f 
I were to make a porno it would proba- 
bly be the talkiest porno ever. It would 


“This ‘one-for-all-and-all-for-one’ stuff—don't 
you guys know any other girls?” 


be a bunch of close-ups of two people 
talking dirty to each other. 


14 


PLAYBOY: So you're comfortable with not 
being a great cinematic stylist? 

SMITH: Yeah, because I'm a writer first and 
foremost and a director by default, be- 
cause I want to protect the shit I've writ- 
ten. The difference between me and other 
directors who worked in video stores, like 
Quentin Tarantino, is that when I 
working I could only listen to the movies 
So I was listening to movie after mov 
and not soaking up the visuals. Even now 
when I watch television I tend го be on 
the Internet at the same time. 1 might be 
a more visual director if | spent as much 
time looking as 1 do listening. 


15 


PLAYBOY. Apparently that's not a concern 
for Miramax, which is giving you the 
mission of dusting off the Fletch franchise 
from where Chevy Chase left it in 1989. 

SMITH: 1 just finished the first draft of Fletch 
Won, which has been weird because I've 
never adapted a book before. But I was 
faithful to Gregory McDonald's novel be- 
cause I think his Fletch stories are where 
I learned to write dialogue in the first 
place. A lot of my dialogue blends with 
his, so you really can't tell where his ends 
and mine begins. I just had to resist too 
many of my own pop culture references. 


16 


PLAYBOY. How old were you when you 
became sexually active? 

SMITH: It happened the day before my 
eighth-grade graduation, so it's kind of 
like the gentile version of a bar mitz- 
vah—the day I became a man. This girl 
came over to my house, and we just 
started fooling around. I went to second 
base and third base, and then I talked 
her into giving me a hand job. And after 
a few minutes she was like, “What's sup- 
posed to happen?” And I said, “Just keep 
going.” And finally something happened, 
and she was like, “Ewww!" And I was 
like, “Yeah, I know. 


17 


pLayboy. So you had a way with the ladies 
even before you became well-known? 
surri The fact that I used to get laid is 
testimony to personality—if you can make 
a woman laugh, you're going to do okay. 
I've been pretty lucky. With the 30 or so 
women I've been able to bang, the worse- 
looking one in the relationships has al- 
ways been me. Then there are guys like 
Affleck who don't have to say a fucking 
word. Sometimes with these really good- 
looking guys, they open their mouths and 
you're like, “Well, at least I'm funnier than 
that dumb fuck.” But then you hang out 
with Affleck and it's like, “Shit, he's funny, 
too. Fuck.” He ruins it for the rest of us. 


18 


piavsov: Why do you make jokes about 
having a small dick? 
smrrn Probably because I've never had a 
woman actually tell me that. Instead they 
always say, "No, it's okay. You have a good 
* Which to me means I'm not mem- 
orable. Once in a while I get insecure and 
ask Jen, my wife, "Wouldn't you rather 
have a bigger cock?" And she'll say, "Big- 
ger dicks just hurt. You're the perfect 
size." But to me "perfect size" means 
something that's easy 10 handle, like a 
walk in the park. Jen is very sexual, and I 
can't help but think she'd love to have a 
huge fucking cock and the only reason 
she's with me is because we're in love. 
When I say that, she's like, "You're crazy! 
Why do you say the 

"s wh 
point of doing it unless it's going to be 
ve and leave stretch marks and be 
memorable on so many levels? 


19 


PLAYBOY: For our recent directors' fan- 
pictorial, you shot your with 
another man. Was she cool with that? 
smrrH: She was cool with being naked, but 
she didn't want to be with another guy. I 
was like, "The concept is my vision of erot- 
ica, and to me there's nothing more erotic 
than the thought of you with another guy. 
We don't need to actually go down that 
road, but that’s what gets me excited.” 
We're fucking filthy talker 
the talk fi 
So whei BOY asked me to realize my 
fantasy, I immediately thought of my wife 
with someone. Ol course, Г wasn't going 
to shoot a pictorial of her getting nailed by 
some guy with a gigantic dick. It was more 
about putting her in that situation. At one 
point while taking the pictures, I looked 
over at this crew guy who was just staring 
at my wife in the nude, and I thought, 
There's something cool about that. 
it was more bizarre to watch how she went 
from being totally reluctant to parading 
around in the nude in a matter of minutes. 


20 


тлувоу. What if your wife tells you that 
king her actually 


SMITH: I've thought shou that a lot, and if 
Jen really wanted to fuck some guy, I think 
I would be cool with it. But I'm afraid 
I'm one of those husbands who just want 
to watch their wife get fucked by some- 
one. You read those stories about couples 
who play this game where the husband 
hides in the closet and watches while the 
wife brings some unsuspecting guy home 
and fucks him. I have this fear that I 
might actually be that guy, you know? Is 
that fucked-up or what? Hey, what can I 
say? I'm a filmmaker. I like to watch. 


50 CENT 


(continued from page 65) 
doing the wrong thing, was to generate 
enough finances to make legitimate in- 
vestments. The object is to get money 
the way you know how, then move into 
legitimate business ventures. Everybody 
in that life should know there are two 
endings to it: You're dead, or you go to 
jail. There are no exceptions to the rule. 


PLAYBOY: When you were signed to Co- 


lumbia, you decided to quit dealing. 
Then what happened? 

50 CENT: | got a $65,000 advance; 
$50,000 went to Jam Master Jay. and 
$10,000 went to the attorney to negotiate 
my contractual release from [ay and do 
my contract with Columbia. 1 had only 
$5,000 left. 1 had to be able to provide 
for myself, so 1 took the $5,000 and 


turned it into 250 grams. 

PLAYBOY: You went back to dealing. 
50 CENT: I had no ch. 
PLAYBOY: Do you thin Jam Master Jay 
ripped you ой? 

50 CENT: He didn't. He took what he felt 
was his. I was never bitter at Jay, because 
what I learned from him is what allows 
me now to sell 10 million records. He 
groomed me. That's worth $50,000. 
PLAYBOY: After Columbia dropped you, 
Eminem signed you to Interscope. Does 
that help Eminem's credibility? 
50 CENT: Do you think Em needs the 
money he generates from me? No way. 
He just loves hip-hop. If a record comes 
out, he has to have it, hear it, examine it. 
He's a lab rat—if we called, he'd proba- 
bly be in the studio right now in Detroit. 
He gave me my shot. 1 love Eminem. 
PLAYBOY: In the song "White America," 


"Tell the truth. Does swallowing this pig make me look fat?" 


138 


PLAYBOY 


140 


he says that if he were black, he'd sell 
halfas many records. Would you be even 
bigger if you were white? 

50 CENT: If 1 was white, I don't think they 
would have believed me. The suburbs 
identify with him. Em has problems with 
his mother, and when you're in the sub- 
urbs, your parents are your structure. 
Who do you get upset with when you 
can't go to the mall? Your parents. My 
experiences are hood experiences. Even 
though it could be a white boy in my 
neighborhood going through those same 
situations, it would be harder го believe. 
PLAYBOY: Would you have sold as many 
records if you weren't the guy who got 
shot nine times? 

50 CENT: | know people who've been 
shot more than nine times. Some people 
realize the only thing that's cool about 
that is how I bounced back from it. Ina 
lot of ways I'm a role model—people 
from that environment feel like they do 
have a chance. 


PLAYBOY: When you were hustling, did 
you meet Kenneth "Supreme" McGriff, 
who's serving 37 months for possession 
ofa handgun after a 10-year sentence for 
leading the Supreme Team, which domi- 
nated crack dealing in southern Queens? 
50 CENT: Not back then. He's older than 
me. Later, when we did meet, we were 
cool at first, then we had differences. One 
time I heard he got into а fight, and I was 
looking at his face. He was like, “Yo, what 
аге you looking all up in my face for?” I 
said, “1 heard niggas whupped you. I'm 
checking." It ain't that serious, but I 
don't like the nigga. 

PLAYBOY. Some people think he might 
have had your mom killed. 

50 CENT: I don't believe that. He wasn't 
even in that area where she was getting. 
money. The cops thought he was re- 
sponsible for me getting shot, too. We 
just don't get along. Fuck him. | was say- 
ing that before he went to jail. He don't 
like me, neither. He let niggas say shit 


D PASsenc 
Bu es 


TER 
E 


DT 


“It all began with a routine full-body security pat-doum.” 


about me that he was supposed го check 
at the gate. He was letting niggas call me 
а snitch. Where I'm from, you sentence a 
nigga to death by calling him a snitch. 
PLAYBOY: Ja Rule has a rhyme that goes, 
“So on ya grave it's gonna read: Here 
lies 50, who snitched on many.” And Ja 
and Irv Gotti—the head of Ja's label, 
Murder Inc.—are friends with Mc! id 
hem niggas is bitches. 

PLAYBOY: Ja Rule's latest record didn't sell 
very well. 

50 CENT: That's what fucking happens! He 
makes a whole fucking album where he's 
attacking me. You say something negative 
about me, people are not going to like 
you. I always looked at Ja like he's a weak 
little nigga. He's never been in any of the 
tough-guy scenarios he raps about. He 
grew up a Jehovah's Witness, the nigga 
that knocks on your door on Saturday 
and tries to sell you a Watchtower. Mean- 
while I was hustling to provide for my- 
self. He’s not strong enough or smart 
enough to maintain anything. 

PLAYBOY: It's been previously reported 
that Irv Gotti started Murder Inc. with 
drug money from Месни. 
50 CENT: I don't even want to talk about 
that. Saying that is telling. I'm not going. 
to discuss those situations. You know, I 
get in a fucked-up zone when I start talk 
ing about these people. 

PLAYBOY: Your vocabulary just changed. 
Your posture changed. You got angry. 
50 CENT: 1 get right back into that mind 
frame where I'm in the neighborhood, 
talking about “Fuck this one, fuck that 
one." I don’t want to carry myself like 
that. 1 feel like I should be doing positive 
things. I want to build a community cen- 
ter for kids. But that's become part of my 
character. Before | take a timid position 
and be afraid, I say fuck it and jump out 
the window. ГЇЇ be the nigga they re- 
member for killing a few of these niggas. 
PLAYBOY: Let's talk about what happened 
at the Hit Factory in March 2000. 

50 CENT: That shit is so old. 

PLAYBOY. You got stabbed that night by 
Try Gotti and a few of his associates. 

50 CENT: A nick. 1 ended up getting three 
stitches. 

PLAYBOY: The newspapers said you had a 
punctured lung. 

50 CENT: Not me! It was a scratch. It 
stopped bleeding on its own. I went 
home, and my grandmother said, "You 
tal you could get 
no big deal. They 
expanded that shit to make it look good 
for them. I had already punched this 
boy Ja Rule in the eye, in Atlanta. 
PLAYBOY: How did they get the jump 
on you? 

50 СЕМТ: When they came to the Hit Fac- 
tory, they were truly blessed. If they had 
come about 10 minutes before, one of. 
them would have been killed. Because 
my jacket was in another room. You see 
what Im saying? 

PLAYBOY: You had a gun in your jacket. 


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50 CENT: I would have tried to kill any- 
body that came in the room. In New 
York State you're allowed to use the 
same force to protect yourself as a per- 
son is using against you. So Га have just 
started firing. Fuc! 
PLAYBOY: Did you—— 

50 CENT: Yo, I don't even want to go down 


that road. People keep asking about it. Ш 


you didn’t ask about it, | wouldn't men- 
tion it. But I don't want to not answer 
the questions you're asking. IUs over. 
"The shit is dead. Homey don't even sell 
records no more. 

PLAYBOY: One final detail. Murder Inc. 
says an order of protection was filed 
against them on your behalf. Truc? 

50 CENT: To my knowledge it's not true. 
They could've done that shit, to make 
themselves look hard. Me? I ain't going 
10 a fucking police precinct to file an or- 
der of protection on these niggas. Look 
at this guy— he's a fucking idiot. Names 
himself Gotti. You know where the name 
Murder Inc. originates? This guy watches 
too many movies. When you write this, I 
hope you'll minimize the portion that 
has anything to do with these guys. 
PLAYBOY: Do you think Murder Inc. is on 
way out? 

50 CENT: They're hurting Ashanti by 
sticking their heads into her video. She's 
got to be fucking Irv Gotti. You can write 
that! Her music is not the hottest shit in 
the world. She says "baby" on four ШЕ 
ferent records t it was “Baby, baby, 
baby, baby.” Then it was "Ooh, baby." 
PLAYBOY: This feud's been grcat for busi- 
ness, hasn't it? 1—5 helped you sell records. 
50 CENT: Yes, it's effective. When I do 
radio, I'm doing io. When they do 
radio, I'm doing radio. All they do is talk 
about me, and all I do is talk about me. 
PLAYBOY: Do you know who shot you in 
May 2000? 

50 CENT: Yeah. I didn't know him when 
he shot me, but 1 found out who he was 
on the street. 

PLAYBOY: What was his name? 

50 CENT: His street name was Hommo— 
that's short for “homicide.” I don't know 
his real name. 

PLAYBOY: Do you know why he came 
after you? 

50 CENT: It could've been a favor, or he 
could've been paid. The kid who shot 
me was a rider—he came to kill me. You 
understand? He wasn't bullshitting. It 
just wasn't my time to go. 

PLAYBOY: Do you believe that death is 
predestined? 

50 CENT: | accept that death is going to 
come. So I don't fcar none of these nig- 
gas. Death is a part of the largest form of 
entertainment. Action films are all based 
on scenarios that, if we were doing them, 
we could possibly die. It's hard to wake 


PLAYBOY: In the song “Fuck You,” you re- 
fer to the shooting and say that people 
on the street ask you if McGrilT was be- 


hind it, Do you think he sent someone to 
kill you that day? 

50 CENT: I don't believe it. I don't know 
for sure. But I hate to talk about this nig- 
ga now. If people ask me those ques- 
tions, the police are going to feel, Well, 
we should bring him in and ask him 
some questions. And I don't have any- 
thing to say to the police. For me, when 
the cops come, it’s to take me away. So 
what does that do to me? That puts me 
in contempt of court, and they got me in 
jail. McGriff is a fucking loser. He had a 


h him 
dead. That's the kind of leader he is. 
PLAYBOY: The police believe there's still a 
contract out on your life. 

50 CENT: See, what trips me up is that 
when the police come and say, “We know 
for a fact, from reliable sources, there's a 
hit on your life,” the next thing is sup- 
posed to be, “We're looking for the guy." 
Unfortunately that is never what they 
say. They want me to tell them something. 
PLAYBOY: They want you to snitch. 

50 CENT: But I've always had people who 
wanted to kill me, whether it's because I 
was doing beuer than them in the hood 
or because we didn't get along. 

Was the guy who shot you a 
nal Killer? 

50 CENT: Anyone you call professional 
would've gotten the job done. 

PLAYBOY: What happened to him? 

50 CENT: He got killed two weeks later. 
I'm uncomfortable answering these 
questions because people will think I 
might've done it. That's the kind of shit 
that could fuck me up. Everything is 
going so good for me right now. 1 just 
want to move forward. 

PLAYBOY: Do you feel as if you're trying to 
change, to go straight, and people keep 
trying to pull you back into the hood? 
50 CENT: People | grew up with, it bothers 
them to see me do this well. People say 
things openly now that they wouldn't 
have dared to say about me, because they 
figure, “He's doing too well to come 
down here and shoot me for saying this.” 
PLAYBOY: Let me ask this plainly: Did you 
have anything to do with the death of 
the guy who tried to kill you? 

50 CENT: Nah. Not a thing. 

PLAYBOY: Is it possible that someone did 
it as a favor to you 
50 CENT: It's not. It's the karma—that's 
ve. The shit you do comes 
right back to you. It may not be right 
away or two weeks later. You don't know 
who else he did something to. 
PLAYBOY: Last year you bought a I 
borghini, an H2, a Mercedes SL500 and 
a BMW 7451. 
50 CENT: I also got a Suburban. Bullet- 
proof and bombproof. You could throw 
a stick of dynamite at that truck and it'd 
probably be all right. 

PLAYBOY: Did women throw themselves 
at you this year? 


50 CENT: Absolutely. Groupie love. When 
we're traveling, the young ladies come 
and you indulge. Everybody will in the 
beginning. If this shit had happened a 
few years ago, I'd be nuts right now. You 
start to feel like fucking everybody is an 
option. But 1 don't anymore. ГИ go in a 
room and lock the door, because itll 
turn into Vanessa writing a book about 
it, you know what I'm saying? For them 
10 be there, doing what they're doing, 
says they're sexually delinquent. I'm 
going to find somebody special. 
PLAYBOY: You dated the actress Vivica A. 
Fox. Was she special? 

50 CENT: I still think Vivica is a special 
person. We did too much too fast. 
PLAYBOY: That sounds like PR talk. What. 
do you mean? 

50 CENT: If you meet somebody and are 
interested in her, you go out with her. 
"That's what I thought I was doing. The 
next day, as far as the general public felt, 
I was married to Vivica. No, we just went 
out on a date. 

PLAYBOY: But it’s not the general public 
who broke up with her by telling 
Howard Stern the relationship was over. 
So why'd you dump her? 

50 CENT: I took photographs with her for 
King magazine, and some other photos 
from the same shoot ended up on the 
cover of Black Woman magazine, which 1 
didn't agree to. I guess her management 
and publicists were looking to use it for 
publicity for Vivica, even if it was at my 
expense. There were times when 1 
wanted to go places and just hang out, 
and it would turn into a publicity event. 
PLAYBOY: Like when you won five tro- 
phies at ıhe World Music Awards in 
Monaco lası October? 

50 CENT: Yeah. | said, "Come hang out" to 
her, and then her people made a call 
and it turned into a job for her as a host. 
That shit happened at the same time as 
the magazine covers. I said, "That's it.” 
Her management and publicists were 
doing what was in their best interest. 
PLAYBOY: а described you as sweet. 
That might surprise some people. 

50 CENT: To a woman, that's what you 
should be. I adjust to the situation. I had 
to be someone else when I was with my 
grandparents—I couldn't be who I was 
in the street when I went indoors, be- 
cause I didn't want to disappoint them. I 
wouldn't curse in front of them. Thats 
not acceptable. Even now that I'm grown 
I don't cuss in front of my grandma. 
PLAYBOY: Do you think Vivica might be 
mad at you for not calling and breaking 
up with her? 

50 CENT: Sometimes calling causes more 
confusion. So she can't be upset 
PLAYBOY: Do you listen only to hip-hop? 
50 CENT: | listen to music people probably 
don't believe I listen to. Nirvana's “Teen 
Spirit”—I love that record. The melodies 
are ridiculous. 1 like Maroon5's “Harder 
to Breathe.” That's dope. I like the White 
Stripes’ single. [sings the opening riff to 


"Seven Nation Army"] There could be a 
hip-hop version of that. But the album is 
too rock for me. 

PLAYBOY: Are you religious? 

50 CENT: 1 don't go to church every Sun- 
day, but I believe in God, and I pray. 
When I catch myself thinking negative 
things for no reason, 1 say a prayer so 
I'm forgiven for it. 

PLAYBOY: You don't fear men, but do you 
fear God? 

50 CENT: Absolutely. I fear that some of 
my actions won't be understood. 
PLAYBOY: On “Get Rich or Die Tryin'" 
you say, “I got to make it to heaven for 
going through hell." If you died tonight, 
would you go to heaven? 

50 CENT: Yeah. When I was doing wrong, 
I was in a different mind frame. I didn't 
understand better. I believe ГЇЇ be for- 
given for those things. 

PLAYBOY: You sold drugs. You shot peo- 
ple. And you're going to heaven? 

50 CENT: Don't expect me to evolve into a 
new person in eight months. People shot 
me. Where I grew up, you were selling 
drugs or you were starving. Even the 
people who had jobs came home and 
sold drugs. My goals are to become 
something good. It's something posi- 
tive that Гт supposed to do. I want to 
move into that space without losing the 
interest of the people who identify with 
me. The negative things I say about what 
I went through, people love that music 
because it's the theme song to their lives 
right now. You don't want to lose them. 
But when I die I want to be remembered 
аз a good person. 

PLAYBOY: Do you think you'll live to 40? 
50 CENT: | ain't going anywhere. I feel 
like I have the same chance of living to 
40 as anybody else in New York City. 
PLAYBOY: You have a song that says, 
“Many men wish death upon me.” That 
might make it difficult to live to 40. 

50 CENT: Like I said, they wish. 

PLAYBOY: So you sleep well at night? 


PLAYBOY: Does it hurt to get shot? 

50 CENT: It hurts. But it hurts more after 
the doc says youre going to be okay and 
the medications wear off. The healing 
process hurts more than the actual 
shooting. I got shot in the right hand, 
100. The knuckle on my pinkie is gone. 
PLAYBOY: Even people who don't know 
anything about rap know you're the guy 
who got shot nine times, because it's 
been written about so often. 

50 CENT: Every time they wrote about me, 
they made me more exciting. They call me 
“the hunted man"—tha 
PLAYBOY: So you're lil 
action film. 

50 CENT: Well, they got me down as the 
bad guy. ГЇ accept that right now. When 
I watch movies, I root for the bad guys. I 
just turn the film off before the end, be- 
cause they always die. 


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144 


FEAR 
(continued from page 90) 


of cowing the opposition, discrediting it 
and ensuring incumbency. 

It has been proposed by some histori- 
ans that the real target of all that 1950s 
anticommunist hysteria was the legisla- 
tive record of the New Deal enacted un- 
der President Franklin Roosevelt. In the 
1950s conservatives insisted on the nat- 
ural relatedness of communists and Roo- 


sevelt liberals, who were said to be “soft 
оп communism.” (Liberals, on the other 


hand, have never insisted on the con 
uum between conservatives and fascists, 
though the claim would be no more 
ridiculous.) The dominance of conserva- 
tive ideology in our nation today connects 
us irrevocably to the 1950s: In the cur- 
rent climate, the way to stick it to a politi- 
cian is to call him or her a liberal, 
the conservative ideology brought to 
fruition by President Ronald Reagan 
having supplanted a liberalism sup- 
posedly passe, a failed politics of intru- 
sive big government, high taxation, 
overregulauon of free enterprise. Yet the 
opposite is true. It was President Воо- 
sevelt’s application of liberal political phi- 
losophy that saved this country during 
the Depression. Government work pro- 
grams for those out of work, Social 
Security, regulation of the banking and 
securities industries, the minimum wage 
and the National Labor Relations Act 
got the country back on its feet. The con- 
tinuing implementation of liberal policy 
after the war—the СТ. Bill, Medicare, 
the Head Start program, the Civil Rights 
and Voting Rights acts under Lyndon 


Johnson —gave working people equity 
in the American dream, rectified some 
of the terrible aspects of racism, gave a 
fair shake to outsiders and underdogs 
and in general alleviated the injustices 
residing in our 19th century world of 
laissez-faire capitalism. 


Put on a permanent war footing in the 
1950s, we were urged to summon our 
collective fear, forge it into an imperial 
resolve and from that compose our na- 
tional identity. We did so then, and we 
are doing so now. 

"Though the Soviet Union is gone, the 
fear is back with us, the political sociolo- 
gy of the Cold War in the 1950s having 
ЈеПед into a messianic culture, so that for 
our leaders today, containment of the 
terrorist enemy requires our compliance 
with policies that abuse our freedoms 
and undermine our Constitution. 

Given the threat of international tei 
rorism, the USA Patriot Act passed by 
Congress under presidential goading 
calls for secret military tribunals, isolated 
detention of people suspected of crimes 
and secret searches of homes and offices 
of people who may come under suspi- 
cion of the authorities. A legislative pro- 

ington would 
expand the Patriot Act and empower the 
government to revoke any American's 
citizenship on any grounds whatsoever. 
Had it not been stopped by Congress, 
the Bush administrauon would have cre- 
ated a nationwide data bank itemizing 
the business and personal transactions of 
every one of us, including the book- 
marks on our computers and the books 


“This next song is also about love unrequited and, 
once again, involves sheep.” 


we take out of the library. As Attorney 
General John Ashcroft predictably said, 
those who protest any of t the name 
of liberty "only aid terrorists, for they 
erode our national unity and diminish 
our resolve. They give ammunition to 
America's enemies and pause to Amer- 
ica's friends." 

And so the liberals of tot backed 
President Bush's invasion of Iraq pre- 
cisely because they didn't want to be 
accused of being soft on terrorism. In 
the meantime, in the dazzle of its color- 
coded fear alerts, the Bush admin- 
stration has stepped up the great 
conservative effort to weaken, if not 
totally dismantle, the economic, eco- 
logical and judicial enactments of 
eral social policy that have brought 
estimable benefit to the American 
people in the past 70 years. 


The Cold War of the 1950s has so 
imbedded itself in the DNA of our ruling 
politicians that a militaristic future seems 
to be the only possibility for us. But of 
course there are generational differ- 
ences. Our Iraqi adventure is a variant 
of our earlier efforts at regime change. 
In Iran in the 1950s we effected the 
ouster of a democratically elected social- 
ist, Mohammed Mossadegh. In Chile in 
the 1970s we saw to the overthrow of a 
democratically elected socialist presi- 
dent, Salvador Allende. Neither of these 
usurpings involved any appreciable mil- 
itary effort. They were clandestine 
CIA-State Department operations fund- 
ed with a blank check by the American 
taxpayer. And when the deeds were 
done, we didn't have to install more than 
a few economic advisors and Ameri 
diplomats to oversee things. Everything 
was worked through the locals, a right. 
wing regent in Iran and a right-wing 
general in Chile, both of whom fulfilled 
our vision for their countries by means 
of mass arrests, censorship, torture 
chambers, disappearances and other 
tried-and-true techniques of repression 
that we would not countenance in our 
own country. 

Iraq, by contrast, has required a clam 
orous affair of a couple hundred thou- 
sand troops, Stealth bombers and 
Abrams tanks—a noise heard round the 
world. Surely to be open and honest 
about our imperial nature is more in 
ing with our superstatehood than 
ng about and leaving it up to in- 
‘stigative reporters to find out what we 
have done. And overthrowing a cruel 
tyranny would seem more defensible 
than subverting a democracy. 

What then is to be missed from the 
old Cold War days? This: To act surrep- 
titiously is to have some residual con- 
nection to moral behavior. There is, in 
that means of going about things in an 
underhanded way, a tacit admission of 
your own hypocrisy: You are engaging 


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145 


PLAYBOY 


in a realpolitik that you know has no 
ethical basis. 

It may be difficult for the American 
people not to cheer the overthrow ofa vi- 
cious dictator. But the nature of our act 
of preemptive war stands apart from its 
results or from any motives we have 
claimed for its justification. It is nothing 
more than simple aggression. We have in 
power today а junta of empire-dreaming 
ideologists and salivating CEOs for 
whom the 13th century tribal-war idea of 
getting them lest they get us is the coolest 
way to advance American interests. And 
so with Iraq under our occupation we 
have provided a recruitment base for all 
the nihilist terror criminals of the Near 
and Far East. They are pouring across 
the borders, these new enlistees in jihad, 
то destroy infrastructure and kill our sol- 
diers, and once more we have fulfilled 
our own dire prophecy, and we are in a 
war to which there is no foreseeable nd. 

We can condemn this administra 
for its ruinous economic policies, its en- 
vironmental sabotage, its unjustifiable 
war and disastrous political philosophy, 
but there is a sin underlying all of this, 
and it cannot be forgiven. There i 
atonement for the obdurate political 
leader who has ignored the historic op- 
portunity to use the unprecedented 
power and wealth of his nation to ensure 


the well-being of its citizens, remediate 
the wretched poverty and suffering in so 
many parts of the world and affirm the 
ideal of a concordance of civilizations. 
No, no atonement at all for the political 
leader who is determinedly obsolete, a 
19th century throwback 

And so now, as in the 1950s, we oscil- 
late between fear's two poles: We fear the 
enemy we have helped create, and we 
fear the nation we have become. 


But one phenomenon of the 1 
be cherished, having appeared, as we 
can see now, as prophetic of a different 
future. I mean the rising dissidence 
exemplified by the Beats, those self- 
designed dropouts who got in their 
broken-down cars and took to the 
road—those pad crashers, Zen dab- 
blers, pot-smoking poets and grand 
fools, the first prominent voi 
alienation to come out of a stultifying 
political culture. They were hardly 
angels, and they didn't produce a 
school of great art, but they stand out 
now as a historical inevitability. 

And they weren't alone. I think of the 
great black R&B musicians and the 
Southern white boy who modeled him- 
self on them; the rising tide of revolu- 
tionary comedians, streetwise, cruelly 


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observant of everything around them; 
the jazz musicians of the Five Spot; Billie 
Holiday; Charles Mingus; the author 
Michael Harrington, who wrote 7he Other 
America, about endemic poverty in the 
United States; and the practical, brook- 
no-nonsense saint Dorothy Day, who 
lived poor and published the Catholic 
Worker. These and others were the 
prophets of the mass rebellions of the 
next decade, the great civil rights 
marches and the student antiwar 
protests that envisioned Vietnam as the 
Cold War's most absurd expression and 
attenuated rationale. Without the voices 
of the 1950s there would have been 
nothing in the manner of a reformation 
that the 1960s embodied, those socially 
painful years that monumentally chal- 
lenged the rigid orthodoxies and dogma 
that had ruled us until then, 

So we must remember the 1950s, that 
decade in so many ways like ours, as a 
time not without its energies of self- 
correction. There were these people 
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Nor can we. 


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(continued from page 118) 
point, without even realizing it, I started 
to get an erection. But even then, I 


wasn't... mean, I didn't have any inten- 
tion of...you know...” He makes a vague 
gesture, as if he were shooing away a Пу. 


"Go on," Rob says. 

"Her leg brushed against it. And she 
laughed." He thinks for a moment, sm 
ing. "She's got such a great laugh, doesn't 
she? I love Jen's laugh." 

“The point, Vince." 

“She said, ‘I felt a fish!" And then we 
both laughed. I was embarrassed; 1 was 
ready to pull away, but she kept her arm 
around my neck. And then, kind of smil- 
ing, she reached down and touched it.” 

"Your penis." 

“That's right. Just pressed her hand 
against it. Through the suit, I mean.” 

“And then?” 

There's something in Rob's voice that 
gives Vince pause. He turns, examines 
Rob, squinting slightly. 

“Maybe you don't really want to hear 
this.” 

Of course not, Rob thinks. 
he says. 

Vince hesitates, as if expecting him to 
change his mind. Then he sighs. "We 
kissed.” 

“You kissed her? Or she kissed you?" 

“Both.” Vince thinks about it, then 
shrugs. "I mean, I guess I kissed her." 

Rob tries to feel some relief in this, but 
it doesn't come. She reached down and 
touched his penis: Who cares who kissed 
whom first? Again, he says the two 
words: "And then 

“She sort of swung around so she was 
straddling me from the front, and we 
kept bobbing like that in the waves, kiss- 
ing and smiling at each other, like we 
were maybe gonna stop at any moment, 
but then not stopping, kissing some 
more, pressing together. Then she 
reached down and pulled me out of my 
suit and kind of guided me...you 
know...into her." 

"You fucked her. In the ocea 

Vince nods. ver done that 

"Fucked a friend's wife in the ocean?" 

Vince waves Rob's words away, a little 
impatient. "Had sex in the water." He 
glances at Rob, waits for him to shake 
head. "Me either. Always kind of fanta- 
sized about it. Not with Jen—just the 
general idea of it. Grace isn't much of a 
swimmer. So 1 never had the chance. Ви 
of a disappointment, actually. Not Jen's 
fault, of course. The water gets in 
and...." He shrugs. "Everything feels 
kind of far away. Didn't even come, tell 
the truth.” 

Rob doesn't mean to speak but can't 
help himself. "Did she?” 

Vince makes a strange noise. “TI 
is weird, right? Talking like th 


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probably not the right way to do it. 1 
wish I'd had time to think things 
through. You told me about the baby, 
and I just..." He shakes his head. 

Rob's hands have begun to cramp. 
He's been making fists in his lap, without 
realizing it, squeezing them. He opens 
his fingers, flexes, wiggles. Time to go 
home, he thinks. Definitely time to go 
home. "Did she come, Vince?" 

"Yeah, she came." 

"And then?" 

"She gave me a hand job." 

"In the water?" 

Vince nods. "Laughing, you know? 
Both of us. Like it was a joke. And it w 
too. I'm sure it doesn't feel that way to 
you right now, but that's how it was to us, 
something funny that happened on the 
beach that day. An odd little adventure.” 

Rob can remember Jen coming back 
to the condo. He had that drugged, too- 
much-sun, halfdressed-in-the-afternoon 
feeling. She came in, her hair still damp. 
from the ocean. Happy—smiling and 
chattering. And why not? She wa 
years old, tan and rested, on vacation 
with her husband and their two good 
friends. They'd left their window open 
the first night and in the morning had 
awakened to find a bird perched on the 
bedpost above them. Bright blue. It had 
roused them with its singing. Of course 
she was happy. She hugged him—bent 
for a quick embrace as she headed to the 
shower. They went out to dinner that 
night with Grace and Vince, lobsters all 
around. Everyone drank too much, be- 
came loud and giggly. Grace knocked 
over Vince's water glass, and it shattered 
on the stone floor. Waiters converged on 
the table, bearing towels, a broom. There 
was much laughter, slurred apologies, a 
little extra in the tip, then it was back to 
the condominium, Rob and Jen lying on 
their bed, laughing into the pillows as 
Vince and Grace jounced their way 
toward climax, It must be Grace who 
makes the noise, Rob decides. Or maybe 
not. Maybe Vince barked, seal-like, as 
Jen jerked him off, bobbing up and 
down in the waves. 

It's nota big deal. Rob wants to believe 
these words, react with a pensive shrug, a 
knowing smile, The capriciousness of 
love, the volatility of desire. Cupid, after 
all, is a child with a bow and arrow; terri- 
ble things are bound to happen, and in 
the end, one has to admit that it's not a big 
deal. But he knows he'll never let this go. 

“You said three times.” 

Vince sighs. “Is this really how you 
want to do this?” 

Rob just stares at him, waiting him 
out, and finally Vince begins, once more, 
to speak. 

“Remember that restaurant we went 
to? On the other side of the island? Like 


148 a chateau, with those weird gables?” 


Rob nods. 

"Toward the end of the meal, Jen and 
I got up to go to the bathroom. We 
weren't planning anything. It sounds 
weird, but we hadn't even spoken about 
it—what we'd done. ‘Two whole days to- 
gether—no meaningful looks, no guilty 
smiles, nothing. And this was no differ- 
ent. Down the stairs talking, just like 
normal. You go to the bathroom there?" 

Rob half shakes his head, half shrugs. 
He can't remember. 

“There was a men's and a women's 
room, side by side at the base of the 
stairs. Jen stepped inside the women's 
room, and therc was this odd moment. 
She turned to shut the door and sort of 
hesitated, smiling at me. Not really an 
invitation—I don't think you could call it 
t that playful smile of hers." He 
1 stepped forward, slipped into 
the little room with her. ‘We can’t,’ she 
said. But she was already shutting the 
door. Then she was hitching up her skirt, 
and we were both laughing again. She 
said, ‘We have to be quick.’ I got my 
pants down around my knees, and she 
bent over the sink. And we just went at it. 


“Then I cranked the seat 
back, and she slid out from 
behind the wheel, climbed on 
top of me, her dress up 
around her waist, both of us 
trying to do il fast.” 


We were laughing the whole time—ner- 
vous laughter, giddy. Just pounding 
away—it probably didn't take more than 
two or three minutes, just fast, hard 
fucking.” He pauses, seems to debate if 
he should stop, but then can't help it: "It. 
was great, man. I know it's totally wrong 
to tell you that, but it was the best sex 
I've ever had, hands down." 

He laughs, shakes his head—he can't 
help himself, he's so full of the moment. 
It's as if he were talking to someone else, 
someone sympathetic: a confidant. 

“Know what happened?” he asks. “Jen 
pulled the fucking sink out of the wall. 
I'm serious: The bolts came right out of 
the wall. I'm guessing, if I'm the father, 
that’s when it happened. We came" 
He snaps his fingers twice, quickly. “One 
alter the other. Then, up with the pants, 
tuck in the shirt and I'm gone. Jen 
stayed to pee. There were two women. 
waiting outside—two prim-looking old- 
er women, and they were smirking and 
shaking their heads, pretending to scold 
me. They'd heard the whole thing.” 

Rob remembers the restaurant. He 
doesn't remember Vince and Jen going 
off together, but that doesn't mean it 


didn't happen. He and Grace are comfort- 
able together; they're both soft-spoken, 
quick to laugh, and they would've talked 
easily enough, covering their spouses’ 
absence without much effort. 

“And then?” Rob a 

"What do you mean? 

“The third ume.” 

Once more, Vince sighs, gives him the 
pained look, and once more Rob waits 
him out. “At the airport,” he says. “As we 
were leaving.” 

“The airport!” Rob exclaims. As if this, 
finally, is the last straw. 

Vince nods. “We dropped you and 
Grace off at the curb with the luggage, 
then went to return the car. Remember?” 

Rob remembers: wrestling the bags 
out of the trunk, fumbling with his wallet 
to tip the porter, Grace offering her own 
wad of brightly colored bills, which Rob 
waved away. 

“We had to talk, you know. We had to 
get our heads straight. And we both 
agreed: It wouldn't happen again. Ever. 
Tt was a land thing, and that's where 
it'd stay. Just this weird vacation adven- 
ture. It took maybe 30 seconds to discuss 
Then we just drove—around the airport, 
that long access road to the rental lot. 
Gravel, or crushed shells—1 don't 
know—but you had to drive slow on it.” 

“The point, Vince.” 

“This is the point. If we'd driven 
faster, we might not have, you know... 
ucked." 

Vince nods, “Exactly. Jen was driv- 
ing. We were almost at the lot. Jen said, 
‘I guess there's one thing we didn't get 
to do.’ Then she licked her lips in this 
exaggerated way and glanced down at 
my lap.” 

Rob can imagine 7 felt a fish, he can 
even imagine the sink pulled from the 
wall, but the licked lips, the coy glance, 
trips him up: It isn't Jen. “Jen wouldn't do 
that,” he says. His voice is vehement, loud. 

“You want to hear tl ڪس‎ 

"She wouldn't. I know her. I just —" 

“Tm telling you what happened, Rob. 
Maybe you don't want to believe it or 
hear it or whatever, and I can under- 
stand that. But what I'm telling you? It's 


Rob is silent, frowning. Finally, he rolls 
his hand again. 

“1 said, ‘Still on the island, aren't we?" 
We both laughed, and I started to undo 
my belt buckle, half joking, you know? 
But she pulled over and put the car in 
park.” 

"She sucked you off." 

“She started to. Then I cranked the 
and she slid out from behind 
the wheel, climbed on top of me, her 
dress up around her waist, both of us 
ng to do it fast. But it was 
cramped, too awkward—it was taking 
too long. The car was growing hot, and 


we were both beginning to sweat. Then I 
saw the rental guy walking toward us up 
the road, shielding his eyes. The sun was 
bouncing off the windshield. I don't 
think he could see what were doing. 
'Someone's coming,’ 1 said. Апа Jen— 
she thought I meant me, 'cause 1 was 
close, and she could tell. "Wait, she said, 
‘wait for me." 

He laughs, then notices the way Rob is 
staring at him and stops. 

“Is the rental guy,’ I said. And she 
threw herself off me just as I came—half 
in her, half on her dress. Which she was 
angry about afterward. She was afraid 
you'd notice. The stain, I mean." 

Rob and Grace had checked the bags, 
gotten their board- 
ing passes. They 
waited in a tiny cof- 
fee shop for Vince 
and Jen to return 
on the shuttle bus. 
The end of the va- 
cation: Everyone 
was a little somber. 
Jen slepı on the 
plane, curled away 
from him, covered 
with a blanket, head 
resting against the 
window. 

“That's it," Vince 
says. "That's the 
whole thing." 

It's grown dark 
inside the car. Vince 
is a dim shape 
across from Rob, 
motionless. The 
windows are com- 
pletely covered with 
snow now; the pass- 
ing headlights offer 
only a vague glow. 
If they re not care- 
ful, they'll get stuck 
here, snowed in. 

It’s not a big 
deal. Those words 
again, and then, 
because they're not 
enough, because 
they have no hold 
on him: He's lying. Vince is a joker, a 
jester; he prides himself on this. And it's 
true—he's fun to be around. But he's 
not a trustworthy person. 

"You're lying," Rob says. "She doesn't 
find you attractive." 

Vince turns to look at him. "Come 
again?" 

"You're fat. You smell in the heat—like 
a dog. And you're coarse. Jen's put ofl by 
it. She says she can see the peasant in 
you. Grunting over a hunk of bread, 
wiping your snot on your sleeve." 

This is half true. Vince is a heavyset 
man, a former athlete going softer each 
year. And his sweat does have a sharp, 
pungent odor to it. But the peasant com- 
ment: Here things grow more tangled. 


Jen and Rob have a game they play, 
peasants and lords. They think of their 
friends and try to imagine what they 
might have been, centuries earlier. Most 
everyone falls into the peasant category. 
including themselves; it's so rare to meet 
а lord or a lady. They'd agreed that 
Vince would ve worked in a country tav- 
ern, rolling giant barrels of mead across 
the dirt floor. 

And then there's the untruth, the lie 
that Rob wants to be true: Jen has never 
expressed a revulsion for Vin 

“You're angry,” Vince says. "Of course 
you are. It’s natural. You want to lash 
out, cause some pain. 1 would too. But 
what you have to ask yourself is: Why 


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would I make this up? 

“Because you're bored. Because your 
life is empty and you're trying to enter- 
tain yourself, to show how clever you 
are. Because you don't know the differ- 
ence between a joke and the rest of life. 
Killing a dog—you think that's funny?" 

Vince is staring at him, his mouth 
hanging partway open, lost. “What're 
you talking about?” 

“You killed Rex.” 

"Rob——" 

“To show how clever you are." 

“Listen to me- 

“That dog's blood is on your fuck- 

ng; 

“Jen's nipples." Vince raises his hand 
into the air between them, the tip of his 


forefinger touching the tip of his thumb. 
“They're like this, aren't they?” 

Rob falls silent, staring at the O Vince 
is making. 165 the size of a silver dollar. 

"And she's got a mole. A dark brown 
mole. On her right breast." He touches 
his own chest, poking it with his finger. 
A tiny one, maybe a half inch above her 
nipple." 

Rob waves this aside. 
down her shirt." 
Your dick is bent. When it gets hard, 
it bends to the left. Like a hockey stick. 
In the beginning, she was freaked out by 
it. She had a hard time touching и. She 


You've seen 


asked if there was a way to get it fixed." 
Rob doesn't answer. Ther the 
feeling of static in 

his head. 
"How would I 
know this, Rob? 
Seriously. Answer 

me Ша 

Static. Or steel 
wool. Steel wool 
giving off a shower 


of sparks 

“I was going to 
tell you anywa 
Vince says. “I felt I 
ought to. Or get 
Jen to tell you. But 
this baby—it star- 
tled the news out. 


of me." 
Not static, not 
sparks: a wind. 


A wind rushing 
through his body. ^ 

"There must be 
a test they can do, 
don't you think?" 
Vince is peering at 
him in the dim light. 
It's clear he can't 
sense the stauc, the 
sparks, the wind. 
"DNA," he says. 
9 “Can they doa DNA 
test in the womb? 
If we catch it ear- 
ly...I assume you 
guys wouldn't want 
to...you know...." 

‘The static, the sparks, the wind, 
whatever it is: It’s growing more 
intense, filling Rob with panic, He 
reaches for the door, pushes it open. 
Cold air and a swirl of snow leap into 
the car. The sound of the traffic, too, 
the smell of exhaust. Rob has an image 
of himself running down the highway, 
bounding, deerlike, in the passing head- 
lights, cars honking, but his seat belt is 
still on, and the doc ngs only five 
inches before it hits the low cement wall 
beside them. Both obstacles stop him, 
the seat belt jerking him back with a 
grunt, the door making a grinding 
thump as it hits the cement. 

Perhaps it's not panic. Perhaps 
it's anger. 


accepted. 


5 


149 


PLAYBOY 


Rob starts to bang the door. He pulls it 
toward him, then slams it outward, with 
all his strength, again and again and 
again. There's static, sparks, wind and— 
above everything—the wonderful sound 
of cement scraping paint from metal. 

He hears Vince's voice, far away: 
“Hey, watch ће" Then there's a 
hand on his shoulder, grabbing at him, 
pulling him back from the door. 

Rob spins, swings at Vince: flailing, 
windmilling. Vince responds with an 
equal lack of grace. Both of them are still 
wearing their seat belts: They're like a 
pair of giant toddlers, strapped into a 
stroller, slapping at each other. Rob is 
making a noise that feels fury-filled and 


ficrcely righteous but sounds closer to a 


wail. It's cut off, abruptly, by the back of 


Vince's hand, which smacks Rob in the 
mouth, the final blow in their brief com- 
bat and the only one to land with any ef- 
fect. A sharp stab of pain, the sudden 
taste of blood, and Rob flinches back- 
ward, out of reach. 

They sit side by side, struggling to 
catch their breath. The door is still 
hanging partway open, the car filling 
with cold, its dome light on, a steady 
chiming coming from the dashboard. 
Rob pulls the door shut. One of his front 
teeth has been knocked loose. He pushes 
at it with his tongue, and it wobbles in 
its socket, an arrow of pain shooting up 
toward his eyes. 

"You boke my toof,” he says. 

“I'm sorry,” Vince starts, “I didn't ——" 


“I don’t care about the baby.” If Rob 
concentrates, he can avoid the slurring: 
He just has to stop his tongue before it 
hits his tooth. “She can have it, she can 
abort it—it's not my problem. It's her 
problem. Know why?" 

Vince just stares at him, rubbing the 
back of his hand. 

“Because I'm leaving," Rob says. “Un- 
derstand? I'm already gone. If Grace has 
any sense, she won't be far behind. I 
hope so. And know why? Because I don’t 
like you, Vince. I don't think I've ever 
liked you. You're too pleased with your- 
self. You're a complacent fuck, and I 
wish you nothing but unhappiness. If I 
could make one wish, just one fucking 
wish, that’s what it'd be. Pain and suffer- 
ing and everything else bad that could 
possibly happen to a man. Now please 
take me home.” 

Vince doesn’t move, doesn’t put the 
car in gear, doesn't pull out onto the 
highway and take them home. Rob sits 
there, willing him to do it, but it doesn’t 
happen. Three trucks go by in quick suc- 
cession, buffeting the car, and then Vince 
does a surprising thing. He starts to 
laugh. There's а brief, explosive burst, 
followed by several seconds of clenched 
silence, while he bends over the steering 
wheel, gripping it with both hands, his 
body shaking in soundless mirth. Then 
he throws himself back against the seat, 
roaring, great snorts of laughter, uncon- 
wollable, hiccups and chirps, slapping at 
the steering wheel, shaking his head, wip- 


ing the tears from his face with his sleeve. 

"I'm leaving,” he says, his voice 
squeaky with held-back laughter. "Un- 
derstand? I'm already —" But he can't 


finish; it's too much for him. 


“You fucker,” Rob says. It’s all he can 
think of. "It's a joke?” 

Vince nods, bobbing his body, laugh- 
ing, eyes shut, his nose beginning to run. 
Rob watches him, smiling now: He even 
laughs a little, but hesitantly. “You made 
it up?” 

More frantic nodding. 

“You didn't fuck her?” 

Vince shakes his head, hugging him- 
self, struggling for breath, still rocking. 
Nearly a full minute passes before he 
finally begins to quiet. He wipes at the 
smear of snot beneath his nose. “Oh, 
god,” he says. "Why didn't I film it?” The 
laughter threatens to resurface, and he 
has to fight it off with several deep, shaky 
breaths. “I was planning to, you know? 
But then, this baby thing—it just seemed 
like too good an opportunity. Oh, man.” 
He shakes his head some more. “That 
was so fucking great.” 

“You broke my tooth,” Rob says. He 
tries unsuccessfully to insert an appro- 
priate amount of anger into the words. 
But it's relief he's feeling, and it seeps 
into his voice: It sounds as if he’s thank- 
ing Vince. 

“Let me see,” Vince says. He reaches 
up, flicks on the dome light. 

Rob leans toward him, opening his 
mouth. 

Vince squints, tilting his head slightly, 
examining Rob's teeth. “Looks all right 
to me,” he says. “Your lip's a little bloody, 
but—" 

“It’s loose.” Rob pushes at the tooth 
with his tongue 

“They can save it—that’s all I'm say- 
ing. A root canal, a little post—be good 
as new." He flicks off the light. "You were 
coming at me, you know? 1 had to fend 
you off.” 

Rob is silent. There's a thought in his 
head that he doesn't want to be there. 

“ГИ pay for it," Vince says. And then: 
“Want me to pay for it?” 

Rob shakes his head. The thought 
won't go away; it's there, and Rob has to 
speak it. "What about my dick? How did 
you know it's bent?" 

Vince laughs, waves this aside. "Jen 
told Grace." 

"And her nipples?" 

Another wave of dismissal: "Like you 
said—I've seen down her shirt. She 
wears those loose blouses, you know? 
With no bra? Why does she do that? You 
should tell her everyone can see her 
breasts." 

"But right after I told you she was 
pregnant, there was this long hesitation. 
I told you, and you went silent. It was 
like you were worried, like you were 


trying to figure out what to до.” Vince 
nods, looking pleased with himself. 
"That was smart, right? That's what 
made it seem so real." 

“I don't know. It felt like you were——" 

“I was debating, you know? Whether 1 
should wait to film it or just do it right 
here, in the car.” 

“But——" 

Vince throws up his hands, impatient. 
“What's your problem, Rob? I tell you 
I'm serious and you insist it's a joke. 
Then 1 admit it's a joke and you” 

“It's a joke then?" 

“OF course it’s a joke. Jesus. How can 
you 

“It's just that you hesitated —" 

“To make it real. That was part of the 
genius of the whole thing.” 

Rob lets this settle. He wants to be- 
lieve; he's trying to believe. “I'm sorry 1 
banged the door.” 

Vince smiles at him. “Kind of lost it, 
didn't you?” 

“TIl pay for it—ifit needs to be painted 
or something.” 

Vince makes a noncommittal gesture, 
neither refusal nor acceptance. 

“And the other stuff—the names I 
called you. I didn't really” 

"Don't fucking worry about it, Rob. It 
was great. I mean it—really, really funny. 
1 almost lost it a couple times.” He gives 
Rob a wink. "A peasant, right? A fat, 
coarse, complacent peasant who you've 
never even liked." 

Rob stares down at his lap, ashamed. 

"That dog's blood is on your hands!" 
Vince shouts. 

“I was angry——" 

"No hard feelings. Us peasants have 


ins. 


“Um just giving you shit, man. Okay? 
Water off a duck's back." He laughs, 
shakes his head. “Should've seen your 
expression when I said she pulled ıhe 
sink out of the wall. Best sex 1 ever had! 
You looked like a fucking corpse. Your 
face, it just went slack." He mimics this 
for Rob, his mouth hanging open, eyes 
blank. Then he laughs again, reaching to 
turn on the wipers. "Can you really pic- 
ture me and Jen fucking in a bathroom?" 

The wipers clear the windshield, 
revealing the world outside, which has 
continued on its course, indifferent to 
their drama. The snow is still falling 
steadily. The traffic has grown thick now, 
and there are piles of dirty slush be- 
tween the lanes. 

Vince puts the car in gear, turns off his 
hazards, waits for an opening, then guns 
them out into the flow of traffic. He 
chuckles to himself as he drives, mutter- 
ing some of Rob's more outrageous 
lines. “A peasant,” he says. And: “You 
killed Rex.” Then he laughs, throwing a 
wink toward Rob. The longer he goes 


on, the more embarrassed Rob begins to 
feel—exposed and oddly guilty. The 
ease with which he'd accepted Jen’s infi- 
delity is starting to seem like a betrayal 
ight. He keeps poking at his 
tooth with his tongue as a way to distract 
himself from this thought. 

The drive takes 10 minutes, and then 
they're slowing to a standstill outside 
Rob's house. Usually Vince turns into 
the driveway, but in snowy weather he 
always stops at the curb so that Rob 
won't have to struggle with the packed- 
down tire tracks when he comes out to 
shovel after dinner. Vince is like that 
sometimes—surprisingly thoughtful. 

Lights are on in many of the houses 
up and down the block, including Rob's. 
Jen is already home, preparing dinner. 
It's quiet out, pretty, the snow falling 
steadily. 

Rob can sense that Vince is waiting for 
him to climb out. Instead, he says softly, 
"Know what I think?" He waits for Vince 
to glance toward him, eyebrows raised. 
"I think you were serious. I think you 
fucked her. And then, when 1 said 1 was 
leaving, you got scared." 

Vince just sits there, watching bim. 

"I'm not going to leave her. I was 
angry. I j * He holds out a hand, 
beseeching. “Please, Vince.” 

Vince gives him a look of deep fatigue. 
“You're gonna keep picking at t 
aren't you? You're not gonna let it go. 

“The truth, Vince.” 

Vince sighs, shakes his head. “You’re 


so fucking anal. You know that? Every- 
thing always has to be worried over, 
not an attractive quality. It 


“You parked in the street to give your- 
self time, didn't you?” 

This is clearly too big a leap for Vince 
to follow. He blinks at Rob. "What?" 

“To call her.” 

“Call who?” 

“Jen.” Rob waves toward the house, 
the snow-covered driveway. "You need 
the extra time. As soon as | get out, 
you'll call her on your cell. You'll tell her 
to deny everything, to pretend she 
doesn't know what I'm talking about." 

“Listen to yourself, will you? I always 
park in the street when it's” 

"Give me your cell." 

“What?” 

“TI give it back in the morning.” 

"I'm not gonna give you my cell. I 
have to charge it tonight.” 

“Then come inside.” 

“Stop it, Rob.” 

"Right now. Wel” 

“Just stop, okay? Will you just fucking. 
stop?" 

Vince's voice is loud, with an edge of 
anger, and it has the intended effect: 
Rob falls nt. He can feel his pulse 
beating in his neck. 

Vince lets the silence gather around 
them. He reaches, turns down the 
heater a notch. When he speaks, his 
voice is quiet again. "What do you want. 
me to say?" he asks. 


Restrooms at Dr. Phil's restaurant. 


151 


HOW 


Below is a list of retailers 
and manufacturers you can 
contact for information on 
where to find this month's 
merchandise. To buy the 
apparel and equipment 
shown on pages 38, 47-48, 
112-117 and 167, check 
the listings below to find the 
stores nearest you. 


GAMES 
Page 38: Atari, atari.com. EA Sports, 
ea.com. Konami, konamigaming.com. 
Microsoft, xbox.com. Wired: Toshiba, 
toshiba.com or sprintpcs.com. 


MANTRACK 

Pages 47-48: Ectaco, ectaco.com. 
Fototreks, fototreks.com. Kawasaki, 
kawasaki.com. London Taxis North 
America, ltna.com. 


CLASSIC ROCE, CLASSIC STYLE 
Pages 112-117: Adidas, adidas 
.com. Alice Roi, aliceroi.com. Andrew 
Marc, andrewmarc.com. Avirex, 
avirex.com. Buckler, bucklerjeans 
-com. Calvin Klein Collection, available 
at Macy’s, macys.com. Capezio, 
capeziodance.com. Casadei, casadei 
„сот. D&G, 212-965-8000. Danskin, 
danskin.com. Diesel, diesel.com. 


ro 


DKNY, dkny.com. Fifty 
24 SF, 212-477-7350. 
Gold Toe, goldtoe.com. 
Guess, guess.com. Hugo 
Hugo Boss, hugo.com. 
Jennifer Miller Jewelry, 
jewelsbyjen.com. J.M. 
Weston, jmweston.com. 
Kenneth Cole, kenneth 
cole.com. Levi's Premium 
Outerwear, levis.com. Neil 
Barrett, neilbarrett.com. 
NYBased, nybased.com. Oris, 
tourneau.com. Parasuco, parasuco 
„сот. Paul Smith, paulsmith.co.uk. 
Penguin, penguinclothing.com. Perry 
Ellis, perryellis.com. Polo Jeans, 
polo.com. Prada, prada.com. Rainbow 
Station, 212-924-0591. Randolph, 
available at Fabulous Fanny's, 212- 
533-0637. Schott, schottnyc.com. 
Stella McCartney, stellamccartney.com. 
Stetson, stetson.com. Tommy Hilfiger, 
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Виз by George, 212-643-1415. XLarge, 
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ON THE SCENE 
Page 167: Balanced Audio Technology, 
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Rob shakes his head. “This is all so 
wrong. Can't you see that? How am 1 
ever gonna know for sure?” 

“Tell me what you want to hear. Okay? 
Just tell me.” 

“The truth. I want the truth.” 

Vince nods in understanding, in sym- 
pathy. But then he doesn't speak: Не 
thinks. He's debating, deciding, choos- 
ing, and it takes too long. The truth is 
immediate; there's no need to think 
about it. “Just look at our fucking lives,” 
he says. 

Rob turns, startled. He isn't certain if 
he's heard correctly. “What?” 

“You're right. I was bored. Trying to 
entertain myself. Not thinking about the 
repercussions, And maybe jealous, too— 
maybe you had a point there. Grace and 
I, you know, мече..." He sighs, shakes 
his head. "That's it—that's it exactly. 
Bored, jealous—guilty as charged. And 
I'm sorry, man. 1 really am." 

“For what?" 

“Everything. I'm sorry for every- 
thing.” 

Rob turns, glances out the window. It 
seems impossible that he has to climb out 
of this car, walk through the snow to his 
house, push open the front door, set down 
his briefcase, take off his jacket, kiss Jen 
hello. He doesn't see how he can do it. 

Vince reaches across the seat, pats 
Rob's knee. “Let it go, okay? Can you do 
that? Just let it go?" 

Rob lifis his hand, drops it back into 
his lap, a meaningless gesture, commu- 
nicating nothing. He's still staring to- 
ward his house. 

And don't name her Yellow,” Vince 
says. “Seriously. It's a stupid idea. 

It takes Rob a moment to understand 
what Vince is saying. He turns to look at 
him—he's such a big man, slumped 
there behind the wheel. Yellow. Rob 
smiles. “It’s a joke." 

“That's right,” Vince nods, with obvi- 
‘ous relief. “A joke.” 

“No—I made it up.” 

Vince frowns at thi 
gonna call her Yellow?” 

Rob shakes his head. “Jen's not preg- 
nant. I just...it was a joke." 

For an instant it seems as if Vince might 
smile, or even laugh, but the impulse col- 
lapses before it can gain any momentum. 
What emerges is a long, weary-sounding 
sigh. “Oh, Christ, Rob,” he says. 
times you're such a stupid fuck 

Rob can't think ofa response to thi 
seems fair enough, after all. 
is hand. “G t out," 

t move. 
Vince says. 

So that's what he does. He pushes 
open the door, steps out into the softly 
falling snow and begins the long walk up 
the driveway to his house. 


"You're not 


DOUBLE EAGLE „аот page 78) 


The deal was set. All parlies knew the gold coin was 
coming from England. But who was the mystery seller? 


subject to seizure when their existence 
became known. 324-15 suggested we 
offer more than the $1.5 million al- 
ready made and was instructed not to 
offer any more money, not to charge 
any more for a fee and that if the deal 
could not be completed on January 24, 
1996 at the Waldorf in NYC, the deal 
should be terminated.” 

Freriks thought he could control his in- 
formant. But Moore was better than that. 


TH 


SIDE DEAL 


Moore called Freriks back with a new 
side deal, a scheme to earn a commission 
that would not be confiscated. "What if I 
did this—and I think this would be legal 
if you think about it. I have a coin, a 
high-relief $20 gold piece worth, conser- 
vatively, $135,000 to $150,000. What if I 
sell him that for an amount way over?" 

Freriks liked the sound of it. “Whatever 
money you made that way would not be 
affected by this at all,” he told Moore. 

“He just paid too much for the coin,” 
Moore agreed. 

And so a clandestine agreement was 
reached between Moore and his Secret 
Service handler. Moore would make his 
cut through a sham coin sale to Parrino 
at an inflated price. What Moore did not 
tell anyone was that the coin he intended 
to use belonged to John Groendyke. 
“True collecting,” David Redden is 
quoted as saying in biographer Robert 
Lacey's book Sotheby's: Bidding for Class, 
"is not about the actual possession of ob- 
jects. With the greatest collectors—who 
ally keep their things in bank 
vaults—the collection exists in their 
heads.” Groendyke might have tracked 
his valuables in his head, but Moore had 
two safes in his garage and lockboxes at a 
company called Stout Safe Storage with 
Groendyke's c ide. Moore, who 
began working for Groendyke Trans- 
port in 1969, had complete access to 
Groendyke's collection 


When Parrino balked at the size of 


Moore's commission, Moore г: 
offer for the 1933 to $1.65 n 
Moore then drove his red GM 
600 miles from Amarillo to Parrino's 
office, behind an unmarked door in the 
basement of the Mark Twain Bank, a 
nondescript institution off Route 70 in 
Independence, Missouri. Moore rang 
the bell and waited. He wasn't wearing a 
wire. An alarm buzzed and let him 
through the first of two doors. The sec- 
ond door opened. He found himself in 
an office full of safes. Several were 
stacked on the south wall, with a large 
опе on the west wall. There were no dis- 


play cases, no coins in view. Parrino was 
alone. They shook hands like old 
friends, and Moore handed over a 1907 
proof coin from Groendyke's collection. 

With the coin in his possession, Parrino 
believed he was simply fronting Moore 
his $150,000 commission on the upcom- 
ing sale. The Texan had other plans. 
Moore returned home with $50,000 in 
cash, two $25,000 checks, some antique 
guns, 65 Krugerrands, two receipts and 
a story for Freriks. Parrino, he said, had 
offered him a job laundering $10 million 
in Vegas every three months for 
$100,000 a trip. The last guy to hold the 
job had been killed. Parrino had safe- 
deposit boxes overflowing with bullion 
and cash. The 1933 double eagle, he told 
Freriks, was “just the tip of the iceberg.” 
at these assertions, call- 


ing ıhem r 

То Freriks, some of the story rang 
true, but the rest—like the part about 
Parrino being so antigovernment that he 
planned never to pay taxes and to fund 
the local militia—was clearly a snow job. 
“1 couldn't have cared less, frankly,” 
Freriks says today, “as long as Moore 
wasn't doing anything illegal, didn't lie to 
me and we got the coin. I didn't care 
about his separate coin dealings. It was 
totally unrelated, and I wanted to be 
able to say so in court." 

So Moore took a coin he did not own, 
went on a trip he did not pay for, gave 
the coin to a man he did not like and 
wrangled a $150,000 commission for a 
deal he knew would never go through. 
In other words, Parrino paid Moore to 
send him to prison. 

“The guy had brass balls," says a re- 
tired FBI agent familiar with the case. 

How could Moore give his friend John 
Groendyke's rare coin to Parrino, believ- 
ing that Parrino was about to go to jail? 
Moore answers the question with a sbrug. 
"Groendyke knew all about it," he says 
today. Groendyke, who later had his en- 
tire collection stolen by Jack Moore, has a 
different explanation. "He's a crook,” he 
says of Moore. 

‘The deal was set for February 8, 1996 
at the Waldorf-Astoria. By now, all par- 
ties knew the 1933 double eagle was 
coming from England. But one question 
lingered in the minds of Dave Freriks, 
his bosses and Moore: Who was the 
mystery seller? 

"The answer lay in the coin's history. 
Fifty years ago only the richest and most 
well-connected collectors ever touched 
the coin, and the man flying to New York 
with the 1933 double eagle was no ordi- 
nary coin nut. He was the biggest player 


in the U.K. coin world, the head of the 
British Numismatic Trade Association: 
London coin dealer Stephen Fenton. 
THE TAKEDOWN 

For an international dealer of Stephen 
Fenton's stature, traveling to New York 
on the Concorde was a necessary part of 
any big deal. The U.S. coin market 
defied supply-and-demand economics: 
The U.S. had the least history but also 
the greatest wealth; its coins were the 
e in the world. At coin 


n 
set out in dishes like jelly beans and sold 


for 15 bucks. The reason? Americans 
had invented a way to turn numismatic 
art into money: slabbing. 

Slabbing— grading coins based on 
appearance and encasing them in small 
ultrasonically sealed plastic boxes—took 
the worry out of buying coins. Graded on 
a scale of one to 70, stamped and sealed, 
a slabbed coin was a commodity. It could 
be traded over the telephone like pork 
bellies or soy futures. And in America it 
was. With more people trading more of- 
ten, slabbing had transformed сот col- 
lecting into coin investing, driving up the 
prices of American coins and attracting 
dealers from around the world. 

Fenton had spent his life in the coin 
business. He dropped out of school at the 
, worked several years for the 
Mayfair Coin Company and then went off 
on his own. In 1980 he opened Knights- 
bridge Coins, a dimly lit shop down the 

"s, in a plush row of 


and rare-book dealers on 
Duke Street in the St. James's area of 
London. His shop was not designed for 
browsing. Customers were expected to 
know what they wanted. Now 43, Fenton 
was one of Europe's leading dealers, with 


U.S. Customs. On his forms. he declared 
that he was carrying more than 100 coins 
whose total value was $742,450.50. The 
his documents pledged, ranged in 
date from 1830 to 1932. 

On February 7, 1996 Fenton and a 
cousin he had brought along for the 
event took a room at the Hilton. At eight 
PM. he called Parrino. They agreed to 
meet the next morning. Meanwhile 
Moore and Freriks had checked into the 
Kimberly, a few blocks from the Waldorf- 
Аме Moore also had a suite reserved 
in his name at the Waldorf, but it was 
occupied by Secret Service agents. 

At eight the next morning, Freriks 
walked Moore to the Waldorf. Together 
with New York agents, he did sound 
checks on the room, arranged the fur- 
niture for a good picture and told 
Moore where to stand. Then the phone 
rang—Parrino and Fenton were in the 
lobby. The agents hurried next door, 
where they would observe the action via 
a hidden camera. 


153 


PLAYBOY 


154 


Late sleepers were just poking out of 
their doors for a newspaper when Par- 
rino, Fenton and Fenton's cousin 
stepped out of the elevator on the 
Waldorf-Astoria's 22nd floor and 
walked to Moore's corner suite. 

Before he got on the elevator Parrino 
had noticed a unique electronic device 
in one of the hotel lobby shops, a tele- 
phone that purported to tell you 
whether a person on the other end was 
lying. It was on his mind as he knocked 
on Moore's door. 

“Hey, Jay,” Moore said, welcoming his 
guests into a lavish suite with a sitting area 
and a view of New York. Agents had 
spread Moore's clothes about and had set 
out his damp tocthbrush in the bathroom. 

Parrino stepped inside, confident. Jack 
Moore, he knew, was typical of the pro- 
fession—a one-client coin man who had 
read a few books. “They're big shits in 
their world,” Parrino says today of most 
dealers. “They come to my world and 
they're nothing—and they're jealous.” 
They eyed each other nervously through 
their greetings. Fenton was a few inches 
taller and several pounds heavier than 
Moore or Parrino. With thinning hair 
and dark, penetrating eyes, Fenton was a 
man who looked at you when you were 
not looking at him. Moore liked him. 

“I have a little deal here I thought 
might help me," Moore said. He was 
wearing ostrich-skin cowboy boots, a 
gold-coin ring, a gold-coin necklace, a 
Western-style shirt, Wranglers and a 
Members Only jacket. “I have to be my- 
self," he had told the agents. 

He led the men to an electronic coin 
scale on an end table. A table lamp of- 
fered extra light. "The real one weighs 
33.4 grams," Moore explained. Fenton 


and Parrino burst into laughter. The real 
one. That wasa good one. They laughed 
too hard, and they didn't stop. They 
were giddy. In the next room Secret Ser- 
vice technicians adjusted their head- 
phones. Inside the table lamp was a mi- 
crophone. Across the room, hidden in a 
clock radio, was a surveillance camera. 
Nearly a dozen agents now watched a 
monitor in the next room. 

Moore took out a more common $20 
gold coin to test his scale. Fenton had 
brought a test coin too. So had Parrino. 
They laughed even harder. 

Like a cocaine dealer, Moore placed 
his sample coin on the scale. Heartbeats 
raced as Fenton took out the 1933. 

Moore took off his glasses. His eyes 
were bad, he explained. Everything was 
an apology. When he slipped and said 
"son of a bitch," he turned to Fenton. 
"Excuse my language,” he said. “I’m 
from Texas, and 1 don't know any other 
way to talk." 

It was pure Texas bullshit, and Fenton 
and Parrino ate it up. 

Ina sense Moore was slabbing the mo- 
ment. He examined the 1933 double ea- 
gle with a 20-power glass. If the coin 
checked out, he was supposed to call his 
buyer waiting down the hall. Then they 
would vire $1.65 million to London. 

"There are countless scams in the coin 
business—mint marks added or re- 
moved, dates altered or counterfeit coins 
made from cast impressions of a real 
coin. One famous counterfeiter was so 
proud of his skills that he signed his 
coins with a miniature omega. 

Moore pretended to look for tooling 
around the date. In the early years Mint 
employees sometimes stole dies and 
struck their own coins. Even a few Trea- 


“Well, what'll it be? Classic rock or easy listening?” 


sury secretaries and Mint directors were 
known to favor a shortcut to fill holes 
their private collections. If Fenton's 1933 
double eagle was a fake, chances were it 
was a 1932 double eagle with the 2 al- 
tered to lock like a 3. 

Though he would later say he "couldn't 
have shit a peanut,” Moore comes across 
оп tape as cucumber cool. He played the 
yokel, “I don't usually dress this nice,” he 
deadpanned at one point, and Fenton 
and Parrino had to hold their bellies. It was 
the laughter of men who couldn't wait. 

He was going to call the buyer, Moore 
said, moving to the phone. Then he 
paused. “Did you show him that proof?" 
he asked Parrino, nodding in Fenton's 
direction. 

Parrino scoffed. For some reason 
Moore had insisted he bring with him to 
New York the 1907 coin used as collat- 
eral. Irritated, Parrino took the coin out 
of his pocket. 

It didn't make sense for Moore to care 
so much about a 1907 coin with a 1933 
in the room, and he knew it. So Moore 
did what anybody skating on the thin 
end of a lie does. He vamped. He 
praised the 1907 coin to Fenton. "I'm 
going to win five grand when this coin 
expert comes in," he laughed. And even 
though he'd been instructed not to stand 
in front of the surveillance camera, at that 
moment he did. In a flurry of activity hid- 
den from the lens, he snatched the coin 
from Parrino as soon as he oflered it. 

It was a slick move. Moore had set up 
Parrino and Fenton, nabbed a buyer's 
fee and a Secret Service reward and 
pocketed his own collateral. Moore's to- 
tal haul was now $305,000—if he could 
get away with it. 

He picked up the telephone. "You all 
might as well come up,” he said. “It's 
here, and it's 

Moments later an agent posing as 
Moore's buyer (dressed as a rich rancher, 
much in the style of John Groendyke) 
and another playing the part of his New 
York coin expert (dressed in a suit) 
walked into the room to close the trans- 
action. As they pored over the coin and 
concluded that it was real, Moore cracked 
an in-joke to the expert: "Just make sure 
I get my five grand." In the five minutes 
it took to examine the coin, the agents in 
the surveillance room readied themselves 
for what they assumed would be an easy 
bust. But they saw on the monitor that 
nton's cousin was reaching under his 


jacket repeatedly, as if he were fingering 


a weapon. Outside in the hallway the 
agents were fired up to move swiftly. 

The door to the room slammed open, 
catching Parrino, Fenton and his cousin 
by complete surprise. Agents took them 
down hard, particularly Fenton's cousin. 
They slammed Parrino to the ground, 
too. According to Moore, “Parrino kept 
hollering at me, ‘Don't say anything! 
Don't say anything!" Freriks whisked 
Moore next door. 


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Agents arrested Parrino and Fenton. 
The charge: conspiracy to embezzle 
property of the United States. 


THE CURSE 


Freriks was pleased. He had Parrino on 
tape on January 3, 1996 saying that the 
seller would smuggle the coin "in a roll 
of common bullion pieces or put it in a 
set and mislabel it as a 32." Fenton had 
done exactly that. The asking price for 
the double eagle alone was twice the val- 
ue of the coins Fenton had declared on 
his customs forms. To Freriks it added 
up to criminal intent. 

Freriks had collared the two biggest 
names in the coin business and recov- 
ered a piece of 
American history. 
Everything had 
worked out perfect- 
ly. However, the 
storied coin would 
demonstrate that it 
had plenty of black 
magic left. 

To the shock of 
agent Freriks, two 
months later the U.S. 
Attorney dropped 
criminal charges 
against both Par- 
rino and Fenton. 
Prosecutors refuse 
to go on record, but 
conjecture in law 
enforcement circles 
ran that federal of- 
ficials decided the 
conspiracy case 
would be too costly, 
too time-consum- 
ing, too difficult 
to win. But the 
feds quickly shifted 
their attention to a 
bigger prize: the 
double eagle itself. 

The U.S. Attor- 
ncy's office filed a 
civil forfeiture ac- 
tion to establish 
clear title to the 
coin. If Fenton 
wanted it back, the burden of proof was 
on him (not the government): He had to 
prove he was its rightful owner. Parrino 
was free to walk. He returned to Inde- 
pendence a bitter man. 

"Ridiculous," Parrino says today of 
Moore's Mafia talk. “1 have no relations, 
no ties to the mob. I've never taken, 
never stolen." Several competitors inter- 
viewed for this article complained of 
Parrino's arrogance but did not impugn 
his integrity. Parrino offers a more mun- 
dane reason for his wealth than mob 
money: He built his career by acquiring 
coins on behalf of institutional investors 
for retirement funds, IRAs and mutual 
funds. When the laws changed in the 


156 1980s, he switched to personal collections 


and made his reputation. His discretion, 
however, worked against him when 
Moore tagged him as a mob guy. 

"Today Parrino works out of an un- 
marked oflice in Blue Springs, Missouri. 
The windows are polarized; the doors 
have only a peephole. If you knock with- 
out an appoinument, no one will answer. 
Jay Parrino does not do retail. By his 
own account, he has owned the finest ex- 
amples of all but four of the 5,318 pieces 
listed in the Red Book. In 1999 he 
bought the famous $10,000-bill collec- 
tion of Binion's Horseshoe Hotel and 
Casino in Las Vegas. 

Parrino paid a high price for his asso- 


n with the 1933 double eagle. His 


— 


r. 
SEE THE 50" 


Most major credit 


voice shakes as he recounts the cost of 
his arrest: "I had the best tables at 
American Numismatist Association con- 
ventions. People are on waiting lists for 
ycars to get a table, and I had the best. 
"They took them all away from me. I had 
full-page ads in Coin World and Numis- 
matic News. | never ran one since. Two 
years of depression, family problems. I 
lost all kinds of customers. 1t virtually 
destroyed my life—in my business all a 
guy's got is his reputation." 

He is not remorseful. "I did something 
I thought was perfectly okay," he says. "It 
was not illegal." He rattles off a number 
of ways the 1933 coin might have legally 
entered the market, saying, "The gov- 
ernment's case was based on folklore." 


However, the record undercuts his story. 
“What would happen to the value if it 
were legalized?" he is heard asking Fen- 
ton on the surveillance tape. 

“Double,” Fenton replied. 

Fenton also felt no remorse and fought 
to get his coin back. First the coin dealer's 
trade association, the Professional Nu- 
mismatists Guild, eager to set precedent, 
confronted government lawyers with an 
unusual defense: A brief was filed on 
Fenton's behalf arguing not that the 1933 
double eagle was legal but that it was just 
as illegal as the most important coins in 
numismatics. The world-record 1804 sil- 
ver dollar, the 1913 Liberty head nickel, 
the 1894-S Barber dime, the 1943 cop- 
per cent—not one 
of the most cele- 
brated coins in col- 
lecting was ever 
"issued" by the Mint. 
Mint employees 
stole dies, forced 
errors and, inno- 
cently or not, coun- 
terfeited many of 
these most impor- 
tant coins. A whole 
branch of collecting 
depends on unis- 
sued coins. If the 
1933 double eagle 
was illegal, so were 
the top five most 
valuable U.S. coins. 

Mint officials are 
loath to talk about 
the patchwork en- 
forcement policy 
on unissued coins. 
Kenneth Gubin, 
former ief coun- 
sel and a consultant 
to the prosecution, 
refers to these as 
coins with "check- 
ered backgrounds" 
or “unclear parent- 
age.” That coin col- 
lecting depends on 
these "scandalous" 
coins is part of what 
made the 1933 for- 
feiture case so important. Gubin favored 
a settlement: “If you litigate, you might 
get a decision that impacts your ability го 
keep other coins off the market.” One 
lawyer involved adds that a precedent in 
the coin case might extend to Stinger 
missiles or other stolen government 
property. To Gubin, “a bad decision was 
worse than a compromise.” 

Stephen Fenton's personal lawyers 
were even more aggressive than those 
representing the Numismatists Guild. 
They assembled an argument with a sen- 
sational twist. During discovery, prosecu- 
tors produced hundreds of pages of U.S. 
Mint and Secret Service records. Buried 
in those pages were documents showing 
that in 1944 King Farouk had requested 


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and been granted an export license by 
the Treasury Department to take his 
1933 double eagle out of the country. An 
illegal coin legally exported: The export 
license carried a whiff of legitimacy. 

Fenton wasted no time. His was the 
Farouk coin, he said, and he could 
prove it. On January 18, 2000, at the 
U.S. Embassy in London, Andre de 
Clermont, a Middle Eastern coin expert 
and colleague of Fenton's, told U.S. fed- 
eral prosecutors that he got Fenton the 
coin from a Cairo jeweler, who'd bought 
it from the children of a colonel who 
was close to Gamal Nasser, who himself 
had overthrown King Farouk. When 
asked for records as proof, De Cler- 
mont replied that sadly he had nothing 
but the man's word. 

Was it likely that Parrino and Fenton 
had possessed King Farouk's coin, the 
coin with the greatest story of all the 
1933 double eagles, and had kept the 
provenance hidden? Today Parrino de- 
clines to answer. In Moore's account 
neither Parrino nor Fenton ever men- 
tioned Farouk. On the day of his arrest 
Fenton swore in a signed affidavit that 
he had bought his 1933 double eagle 
"anywhere from five to 10 years ago,” 
mixed in with foreign and British coins. 

De Clermont appears less sure of the 
alibi he gave to Fenton. "You've been to 
Cairo?" he asks during an interview in 
his cramped London office, a jumble of 
coin books and catalogs for women’s “jelly 
coats” and plastic lingerie. “Remember, 
people construct all sorts of stories. Peo- 
ple put out versions of what they want to 
say. You know what I mean?” 

Fenton produced a wire transfer and 
a sales receipt for “U.S. gold coins,” 
printed on his own stationery, dated Oc 
tober 3, 1995. The receipt was made out 
to a bank. This, he told prosecutors, in- 
cluded the 1933 double eagle. If his sto- 
ry was true, he had bought the world’s 
most valuable coin from an unnamed 
source for less than $220,000. 

1n January 2001 U.S. Mint director 
Jay Johnson signed a settlement agree- 
ment with Stephen Fenton. The Mint 
and Fenton agreed to sell the coin and 
split the pot. The government included 
in the language of the decision 2 warn- 
ing to high-end coin collectors: “This 
settlement shall not be deemed to have 
any precedential significance or effect, 
legal or otherwise, on any other coin or 
Property of the United States, including 
any other 1933 double eagle that may 
exist.” Johnson was proud of his deci- 
sion. “1 had а chance to be historical, and 
1 took it,” he says today. He was not proud 
of what happened next. The Mint's asso- 
ciate marketing director, David Pickens, 
in consultation with Stephen Fenton, 
chose Sotheby's to auction the coin. 


THE ENDGAME 
By 2002, after more than $300 million in 


158 criminal fines and civil class-action penal- 


ties, Sotheby's was badly tarnished by a 
price-fixing scandal. The double eagle 
was just the kind of promotion it needed. 
Sotheby's would not only sell the gov- 
ernment's coin, и would also sell the 
firm's own return to legitimacy. 

On March 19, 2002 U.S. Mint director 
Henrietta Holsman Fore went on the 
Today show and said that 10 coins had 
escaped the Mint and that hers was the 
last one. On July 26, during a Boston 
radio program, Redden claimed that 
this was the King Farouk coin. 

The 56-page Sotheby's catalog, ше 
engine of the auction house's marketing 
campaign, overflowed with phrases such 
as "All but one; and therein lies a tale,” as 
well as “And then there were 10." Pho- 
tographs and biographical data on King 
Farouk filled several pages. Provenance 
charts detailed the history of the 10 
coins. Even though the catalog conclud- 
ed "we'll never know for sure,” the “10 
coins, one king, last chance” campaign 
had its desired effect. 

Virtually every media outlet got the 
story wrong in a way that made the coin 
appear more valuable than it was. Ten 


The real Farouk coin exists, 
an expert says. When the 
government changes the law 
to treat 1933 double eagles 
as other unissued coins, “the 
truth will come out.” 


coins were simply what the government 
had recovered over the years; Farouk 
was Fenton's courtroom defense. A 
lawyer involved in the case spoke off фе 
record for this story and marveled at the 
way the media mistook Fenton's legal ar- 
gument for fact. Even Fenton has admit- 
ted to PLAYBOY that not everything he 
said during his ordeal was true, but 
that's as far as he will go. 

Does anyone in the coin world believe 
that only 10 1933 double eagles existed? 
Parrino was on tape talking about two 
others, and today he says several exist. 
“There have got to be others out there,” 
David Tripp, the author of the Sotheby's 
catalog, admitted days after the auction. 
Israel Switt, the Philadelphia jeweler 
originally accused of fencing the coins, 
had bozsted to a buyer that he had more 
than two dozen 1933s. One of the oldest, 
most respected names in numismatics 
calls the Sotheby's 1933 double eagle 
auction "a sham." The real Farouk coin 
exists, wich Ше, and the expert knows its 
location quite well. When the govern- 
ment changes the law to treat 1933 dou- 
ble eagles as other unissued coins, the 
expert says, "the truth will come out." Two 


lawyers involved in the Fenton settle- 
ment dismiss such talk, calling the 1933 
"the Loch Ness monster of coin 
everyone has a sighting. During the in- 
vestigation of this story, however, a noted 
numismatist offered PLAYBOY convinci 
evidence not only of another 1933 dou- 
ble eagle but of a coin whose story rivaled 
Fenton's claim to a Farouk provenance. 

The Mint did not offer amnesty to all 
holders of double eagles. Instead it did 
what rulers do in fairy tales—i 
the law. It issued Fenton's 193 
eagle. The Bureau of Engraving made 
up a special title document, which itself 
is a collectible. At the auction, the Mint 
charged the buyer an extra $20, as if the 
year were actually 1933 and he was step- 
ping up to the window for a new coin. 
“The guy who bought the coin paid for 
the paper,” says a Philadelphia coin deal- 
er. "In five years another coin will come 
out, and it’s gonna be another bullshit 
story." For the same reason, Parrino says 
he refused to represent several clients 
interested in bidding on the coin. He 
calls the Sotheby's auction "a complete, 
total and utter farce." Monetizing their 
1933 double eagle was a touch that Pick- 
ens and Redden joked about. Like kings 
of old, they made their property legal 
and outlawed the rest. 

They also made their partner Stephen 
Fenton a very rich man. He took home 
$3.465 million. The Mint regards the pay- 
out as a finder's fee. The Mint also earned 
$3,465,020, less expenses it has not dis- 
closed. Sotheby's and the coin dealer 
Stack's took less than their 15 percent 
buyer's commission. They split $660,000. 

U.S. Secret Service agent Freriks re- 
tired to his home in Lubbock with an ac- 
knowledgment for his role in bringing in 
the double eagle, and he remains dis- 
gusted at how the criminal case turned 
out. "He got all that money," he says of 
Fenton, "and I got a letter I threw away." 
On May 21, 1996, barely a month after 
criminal charges against him were 
dropped, Jay Parrino paid 51.485 mil- 
lion for a 1913 Liberty head nickel. Two 
years later Раггіпо sued Jack Moore for 
breach of contract and fraud during the 
double eagle sting. Moore settled 
for $140,000, but as Moore's attorney 
said, “Texas is a debtor's haven." 

In 1999 John Groendyke discovered 
that his coins had been sold by Moore, 
who kept the money. Groendyke sued and 
was awarded $1.2 million from Moore. Ac- 
cording to Groendyke, he has recovered 
only a small fraction of the money and 
does not know where his coin collection is. 
Jack Moore, living outside Amarillo in a 
modest home he does not own, offers no 
explanation. “I have coins in different 
places around the country,” he says. 

At press time, the identity of the new 
owner of the 1933 double eagle re- 
mained a mystery. 


OPEN SEASON „аһ 120 


The Braves are as reliable as locusts. Every year they 
win the NL East and collapse in the postseason. 


NL EAST 


Last season: 86-76. In the final 
two weeks the Phils dropped 
four of five to the Marlins, losing 
a playoff bid and a good chunk of dignity. 
Scouting report: GM Ed Wade has 
breathed new life into the club, adding 
scary closer Billy Wagner (105 strikeouts 
in 86 innings, 100-plus mph fastball) and 
veteran setup man Tim Worrell. Kevin 
Millwood anchors a deep, if not spectacu- 
lar, starting staff. At the plate last year Jim 
Thome (47 homers, 131 RBI) proved 
once again that he's one of baseball's best 
power hitters. Pat Burrell hit .209 in 2003, 
the lowest of any regular in baseball. He's 
way too talented to be that shitty again. 

X factor: All four of the teams that have 
moved into a new stadium since 2000 
have had losing seasons in their first 
year. Can Philly buck the trend? 
Prediction: The cranky Larry Bowa 
knows it's win or else. The Phils will 
either snag the division or implode like 
Veterans Stadium. Either way it should 
be fun to watch. 


Last season: 91-71. It's been 
said that anything can hap- 
pen. Last year two unlikely 
forces proved that dictum: Governor 
Schwarzenegger and the Marlins. Both 
made us laugh and cry in equal parts. 

Scouting report: The Marlins cut costs 
in the off-season, though not to the ex- 
tent of the fire sale that followed their 


first title in 1997. Still, the pitching staff 


is solid. Josh Beckett will be a perennial 
Су Young contender (that is, if skipper 
Jack McKeon doesn't wear out Beckett's 
arm). Dontrelle Willis (14-6, 3.30 ERA) 
has filthy stuff (that's good), A.J. Burnett 
(an NL-best five shutouts in 2002) 
should return from arm surgery, and 
Carl Pavano has been seen canoodling 
with Alyssa Milano. At the plate, 21-year- 
old outfielder Miguel Cabrera is set to 
shine, and Mike Lowell (32 homers, 105 
RBI) has signed on for the long haul. 

X factor: Brad Penny (4.22 career ERA) 
went 2-0 with a 2.19 ERA in the World 
Series against the Yankees! big bats. Was 
this a turning point for the erratic righty 
or a mere tease? 


Prediction: If the pitching stays healthy, 


the Marlins will contend again. 


Last season: 101-61. The 
Braves are as reliable as locusts. 
Every year they win the NL 
East—the last time they didn't finish at the 
top of the division, the other George Bush 
was president—and every year they col- 
lapse in the postseason 
Scouting report: Manager Bobby Cox 
hasn't had a losing record in a full sea- 
son since 1982. But this year the Braves 
are without future Hall of Famers 
Gary Sheffield (.330, 39 homers) and 
;reg Maddux (289 career wins). and 
All-Star catcher Javy Lopez (.328, 43 
homers). A nervous Cox will rely on the 
Jones boys—Andruw and Chipper—to 
drive in runs. If pitching guru Leo Maz- 
zone can continue to work his magic with 
cast-off starters Russ Ortiz (21-7) and 
Mike Hampton (14-8), John Smoltz will 


collect a ton of saves again. The acquisi- 
tion of setup man Antonio Alfonseca can 
only help. 

X factor: Atlanta has dropped six of its 
last seven playoff series. Can a team 
that's suffered that kind of humiliation 
keep coming back for more? 
Prediction: The Braves' run of NL East 
titles will come to an end at 12. 


Last season: 66-95. Another 
year, another bunch е 
sive free agents, а 

ter. And this time they didn't have Bobby 
Valentine to blame. 

Scouting report: The Mets are baseball's 
most notorious shopaholics. Mo Vaughn 
for only $15 million? Where's the Mas- 
terCard? (Fat Mo has apparently quit 
the game, but he'll get paid for 2004.) 
Management flirted in a big way with 
Vladimir Guerrero, but the team 
ultimately picked up only two high- 
priced players—center fielder Mike 
Cameron (.253, $4 million) and Japan- 
ese shortstop Kaz Matsui million). A 
slightly pissed-off Mike will begin 
the shift to first base. He'll probably hold 
a news conference to talk about it. In 
terms of pitching, forget it. If you've got 
an arm, you might as well show up for 
spring training. Both Al Leiter and 
Tom Glavine will turn 38. At least the 
Mets still have John Franco, 43, who 
signed on for another year. 

X factor: Does Matsui have the goods? 
Prediction: Art Howe's Mets will actually 
flirt with first place early in the summer 
before injuries do them in. 


Last season: 83-79. Les 'Spos 
compiled their second consec- 
utive winning campaign. Pretty 
impressive considering the low payroll 

Scouting report: Montreal couldn't find 
a buyer before its best young players 


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reached pay-up-or-shut-up time. The 
result: The club didn’t have the dough 
to keep superstar Vlad “the Impaler” 
Guerrero (.323 over eight seasons) in 
town. He walked without so much as a 
draft pick as compensation. The Expos 
will also miss their top pitcher of 2003, 
Javier Vazquez, who fled to the Bron: 
‘On the plus side, GM Omar Minaya re- 
signed shortstop Orlando Cabrera (.297, 
80 RBI), who started every game last 
year, and picked up free agents Carl 
Everett and Tony Batista (26 dingers). 
Nick Johnson, acquired from the Yan- 
kees in the Vazquez deal, could put up 
Todd Helton (on-the-road) numbers. 
Don't look for help from the farm sys- 
tem, though—Minaya traded away most 
of his prospects in a misguided attempt 
to contend in 2002. 

X factor: Jose Vidro might be the most 
underrated player in baseball. He hits for 
average (.310) and is competent in the 
field, à la Robbie Alomar in his prime. 
But how long will he remain an Expo? 
Prediction: A homeless team simply 
can’t contend. 


NL CEN 


1. Chicago Guhs 


Last season: 88-74. Avert 
your eyes, Cubs fans. Five outs 
away from their first World Se- 
ries since the Truman administration and 
it all fell to pieces. 

Scouting report: The Cubs have more 
quality arms than Donald Rumsfeld, 
with Kerry Wood (14-11, 3.20 ERA), 
Mark Prior (18-6, 2.43 ERA), Matt 
Clement (14-12, 4.11 ERA) and Carl 
Zambrano (a 3.57 career ERA that belies 
his 18-21 record). This staff will win 
games if it stays healthy (Dusty Baker 
rode his young arms too hard last year, 
running pitch counts above 120 a major- 
leaguc-high 26 times). At the plate, Bak- 
er added Derrek Lee (31 homers) and 
"Todd Walker, a much-needed lefty hitter. 
A cork-free Sammy Sosa will continue 
his Cooperstown run. 

X factor: La Troy Hawkins arrives to com- 
pete for the closer role, an area in which 


the Cubbies could use some help. As a set- 
up guy for the Twins, Hawkins was 15-3 
with an ERA of 2.00 over the past two sea- 
sons. But prior to that he had seven 
mediocre years. With the pressure on, 
the real Hawkins is about to step forward. 
Prediction: Last year's team played 
deep into October, and this season's ver- 
sion is even better. Security alert: If the 
Cubs take it all, the fans will go apeshit. 


A, 2. Houston Astros 


Last season: 87-75. The 
'Stros challenged for the Сеп- 
tral title, then lost six of their 
last nine games. Oops. 
Scouting report: Houston's pitching 
staff looks tough to beat. Though clos 
Billy Wagner is gone, fireballer Octavio 
Dotel (97 strikeouts in 87 innings in 
2003) should fill his shoes capably. The 
starting rotation features four potential 
Cy Young contenders—Roy Oswalt 
(10-5, 2.97 ERA), Wade Miller (14-13 
but 31-12 in 2001 and 2002) and Yan- 
kees exports Roger Clemens (17-9) and 
Andy Pettitte (21-8). Pettitte may miss 
New York more than he'll let on. The 
Yankees scored 7.04 runs per game for 
him last year, the second-best run sup- 
port in baseball. That said, the Astros 
can put runs on the board too. More 
than half of last year’s starting lineup 
hit more than 20 homers, though m 
stays Craig Biggio (.264) and Jeff Bag- 
well (.278) are on the decline. 
X factor: The entire Lone Star state will 
be focused on Oswalt's groin. That might 
make the 26-year-old uncomfortable in 
more ways than one. He had surgery 
down there after making three trips to 
the disabled list last season. 
Phe Astros have never won a 
„ but this could be the year. 


Last season: 85-77. The Car- 
dinals scored runs aplenty 
(876, second in the NL). Problem 
was, they gave пра few as well (796, 1 1th). 
Scouting report: St. Louis picked up 
spare parts from around the league, but 


Did Steve 
Bartman cast 
the Cubs the 
pennant? 
Get reall 


it will mostly rely on last year’s talent. Al- 
bert Pujols is the best pure hitter on this 
or any other planet (a league-best -359 
average, not to mention 43 homers and 
124 RBI). Meanwhile Edgar Renteria 
emerged as a poor man's Derek Jeter, 
batting -330 with 47 doubles. Too bad 
these guys can't pitch, too. While the 
Cards have a couple of good starters in 
Woody W ms (18-9) and Mau Morris 
(11-8), there's no true ace. 

X factor: This team's fate may rest with 
the newly acquired pitchers, none of 
whom is a proven commodity—Jeff Sup- 

pan (13-11, 4.19 ERA), who'll eat up 
innings, and former Braves Adam Wain- 
wrightand Jason Marquis. 

Prediction: Like the Rams, the Cardi- 


nals will jazz St. Louis fans for much of 
the season, but it won't end well. 


Last season: 75-87. A fresh 
new lineup yielded the same 
old results, as the Pirates regis- 
tered their 1 Ith straight losing season. 
Scouting report: Pittsburgh fans have 
probably alrcady started drinking their 
blues away. After all, twice the Pirates have 
set up a five-year rebuilding plan, and 
twice the plan has failed. They re starting 
over once again. Last year they traded 
arguably their best player, Brian Giles 
(299). They've also unloaded some dead- 
wood (Reggie Sanders, Kenny Lofton), 
all to begin focusing on young talent such 
as Jason Bay and Oliver Perez, acquired 
in the Giles trade. A pivotal off-season 
move was the re-signing of Kip Wells 
(10-9 ERA), an ace in the making. 
Despite the Pirates’ new luxury 
ballpark, owner Kevin McClatchy is cry- 
ing poverty again, promising to slash the 
team's $54 million 2003 payroll to $35 
million. Yep, that should help the re- 
building program. 

Prediction: In perhaps any other divi- 
sion, this team would reside in the base- 
ment. Not in the NL Central. 


< Last season: 69-93. The Reds 


tened the new Great 
Ball Park with a 10-1 
loss, and it was downhill from there. In 
midseason, only days after GM Jim Bow- 
den got the boot, the Reds dealt a bunch 
of good players in a series of salary 
dumps, leaving new GM Dan O'Brien in 
the lurch. 

Scouting report: Cincin ati hadn't 
e any significant pickups at press 
time, but the team could get better just 
ying healthy for manager Dave Mi- 
ley. Ken Grifley Jr. did two long sti 
the disabled list, and Austin Kearns, 
Adam Dunn and Barry Larkin all fin- 
ished the season on the shelf. And the 
team suffered a serious blow in the ofl- 
season when promising young outfielder 


Dernell Stenson was killed in an appar- 
ent carjacking. Reds pitchers yielded a 
5.09 ERA last scason, 27th out of 30 
teams. One bright spot: Closer of the fu- 
ture Ryan Wagner posted a 1.66 ERA. 

X factor: Left fielder Dunn, 24, slugged 
27 homers in only 381 at bats. The bad 
news: He batted a pathetic 215. 


Prediction: Cincinnati may be big and 
red, but so is a canker sore. 


Last season: 68-94. Like 
Pittsburgh, Milwaukee put up 
its 11th losing season in a row. 
The upside: Win or lose, it's always 
Miller üme at Miller Park. 
Scouting report: The club's board of 
directors agreed to cut payroll by 25 per- 
cent, to a major league low of $30 mil- 
lion. Derek Jeter picks up dinner tabs 
for more than that. The biggest loss: 
slugger Richie Sexson (45 homers, 124 
RBI). Outfielder Ben Grieve, a former 
Rookie of the Year, will be a welcome ad- 
dition, but he's no savior. Some of last 
year's talent remains, notably Scott 
Podsednik (.314) and Geoff Jenkins (95 
RBI). Brooks Kieschnick is a homeless 
man's Babe Ruth. He hit .300 in 69 
games as a designated hitter and pitched 
53 innings of mediocre (5.26 ERA) relief, 
the first player to pull off that kind of 
double duty since 1964 
X factor: The hell with it. There isn't 
опе, not for this club. Did someone say 
Miller time? 
Prediction: With a little luck—bad luck, 
that is—the Brewers could be the Tigers 
of the National League. 


AL WES 


T 


Last season: 93-69. The 
Mariners broke from the gate 
quickly but couldn't top Oak- 
land in the end. 

Scouting report: With 41-year-old lefty 
Jamie Moyer anchoring the rotation, 
41-year-old Edgar Martinez as ar- 
guably its best hitter, and 35-year-olds 
Bret Boone and John Olerud toiling in 
the infield, call this team the ancient 
Mariners. But combine all that exp 
ence with the superstud youth on the 
mound—Joel Pineiro (16-11), Gil 
Meche (15-13) and relievers Rafael So- 
riano (1.53 ERA) and Julio Mateo (the 
oldest among this list at 26)—and 
you've got a team with potential. 
Though lacking a dominant closer, the 
bullpen was the AL's best last year, 
holding opposing hitters to a meager 
1311 on-base percentage. And never 
mate Ichiro, a true talent. 

: You have to wonder if the geri- 


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LIBERATOR 


BEDROOM ADVENTURE GEAR 


PLAYBOY 


162 


Prediction: With money to spend (they 
were second in American League atten- 
dance in 2003) and a win-now attitude, 
the Mariners will take the AL West. 


Last season: 71-91. The 
Rangers had the league's best 
player. And they were still lousy. 
Scouting report: With baseball's most 
powerful infield (Alex Rodriguez, Hank 
Blalock and Mark Teixeira slugged 102 
homers among them in 2003), the 


Rangers will score. But their pitching 
has been coyote ugly. The solution could 
be the young arms of Colby Lewis, Juan 
Dominguez and Joaquin Benoit, who 
were wrangled by Grady Fuson, the 
scout who drafted Barry Zito, Mark Mul- 
der and Tim Hudson in Oakland. Pricey 
starting pitcher Chan Ho Park should 
return from a back injury. Key player: 
First baseman Teixeira (pronounced 
tuh-CHER-a) is a hitting machine. His 26 
homers and 84 RBI as a rookie last year 
sent Rafael Palmeiro packing. 

X factor: Buck Showalter is his own 


Day. 


“...And this, of course, is Miss Jeffers, my model...” 


worst enemy. Alter micromanaging him- 
self out of gigs in New York and Arizona, 
he alienated A-Rod in Texas with the 


Prediction: The Rangers second in the 
division? That's right. Got a problem 
with that? 


Last season: 96-66. 1 
have morphed 
coast version of the Braves. 
They start slow, sizzle in the summer and 
then choke spectacularly in the playoffs. 
Anybody know the Heimlich? 

Scouting report: Closer Keith Foulke and 
2009 MVP Miguel Tejada are gone, so the 
A's willlean even more heavily on their big 
guns— Barry Zito, Mark Mulder and Tim 
Hudson, the finest one-two-three punch 
in the majors (3.03 ERA among them in 
2003). "They'll get help from newcomers 
Mark Redman (14-9 with the Marlins) 
and Arthur Rhodes (4.17 ERA as a reliev- 
er with the Mariners). Despite stat geek 
GM Billy Beane’s emphasis on bringing in 
hitters who can get on base, the A's posted 
a paltry .327 on-base percentage in 2003, 
21st in baseball. He'll try to strengthen the 
attack with a new center fielder and lead- 
off hitter, Mark Kotsay. Great, but in pro- 


duction terms he’s no Jason Giambi. 

X factor: After the Raiders’ dismal sea- 
son, Oakland desperately needs a win- 
ner. Can the A's handle the pressure? 
Prediction: They lost some serious tal- 
ent, but if the pitching stays healthy, the 
A's won't fall far. 


Last season: 77-85. The 
club's batting average fell 
" from .282 to .268, and its ERA 
rose from 3.69 to 4.28. So much for an 
Angels dynasty. 
Scouting report: Billboard billionaire Ar- 
turo Moreno became the first Hispanic 
owner when he bought the team from 
Disney in May for a reported $184 mil- 
lion. The hope was that the Angels would 
gain an edge in recruiting Latin players. 
Sure enough. free agent superstud Vlad 
Guerrero signed in the off-season. On 
the mound, young guns Jarrod Wash- 
burn, John Lackey and Ramon Ortiz— 
36-44 collectively in 2003—haven' lived 
up to their promise. New arrival Kelvim 
Escobar and nasty setup man Francisco 
Rodriguez (.172 batting average against) 
help anchor a badass bullpen. 
X factor: Free agent starter Bartolo Colon 
hasa primo arm, but with a four-year, $51 
million contract in his back pocket, will 
the 240-pounder balloon into a Ruben 
Studdard look-alike? (That would make 
him an Angel flying without wings.) 
Prediction: Lightning never strikes 
in the same place. 


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PLAYMATE 4 NEWS 


‘The phrase “a face for radio” hardly ap- 
plies to Pamela Anderson, but the multi- 
tasking Playmate, who lobbies on 

behalf of PETA, writes a col- 

umn for Jane magazine, jug- 

gles relationships with Tommy 

Lee and Kid Rock (pictured at 

right) and raises two young 

sons, has racked up another 

gig: hosting a talk show on 
Sirius satellite radio. We've 
always liked Pam's willing- 
ness to talk about her per- 

onal life on, say, Howard 
Stern, so we're not surprised 
that she's taken to the air- 
waves to participate in live, 
intimate question-and- 
answer sessions with callers. 
dering how to suggest 

a threesome to your girl- 
friend? Is that burning 
sensation normal? Ask 
Pam on the air or at 
clubpamradio.com and (if 
you're lucky) she'll an- 

Я swer. Why the need то 


A 
I'm totolly 
Sirius! 2 
addict,” Pam wrote ге- 


cently in Jane. “Addicted to love. Who isn't 
really? When did women decide they had 
something to hide? The love and the se 
the heart—these are why we're all here. 
Even if you aren't a Sirius subscriber, you 
definitely haven't heard the last of Pam— 
she recently signed a multibook deal with 
Simon and Schuster. 


Fram top: Pam and Kid; Carmen Electra, Dave 
Navarro, photog David LoChopelle and Pammy. 


25 YEARS AGO THIS MONTH 


If you've watched Brian De 
Palma's 1981 classic thriller 
Blow Out, you've seen Miss 
April 1979, Missy Cleveland, 
getting sliced with a 


butcher knife in the film's 
famous shower scene. 
Three years before Missy 
served as soaped-up psycho 
bait, her mother had talked 
her into auditioning for the 
Great Playmate Hunt. 
(Thanks, Missy's mom!) 


“Being in PLAYBOY will be 
something fun to look back 
on in 20 years. I'm a good 
asset in that I'm an intelli- 
gent, natural girl—proving 
that Playmates aren't just 
artificial people with no 
brains. At work I wear my 
hair pulled back in a bun. 
I'd rather not be recog- 
nized."—Colleen Marie 


RED CARPET RABBITS 


Centerfolds are out 
on the town ond wow- 
ing the paparozzi. From 
for left: Nicole Narain 
at the Vibe Awards; 
Morena Corwin at o 
West Coast calendar- 
release party; Michele 
Rogers at the grand 
opening of MediSpa in 
Los Angeles; Carmella 
DeCesore Grotto-side 
at the Mansion, where 
Bally Gaming was un- 
veiling the new Playboy 
video slot machines; 
Rhanda Adams arriving 
at Models Night Out, 
CRU magazine's fash- 
ion show for Goa. 


164 


HOT SHOT 


LAUREN 
MICHELLE HILL 


THREE THINGS YOU DIDN’T 
KNOW ABOUT SER! TAWAN 


1. Her favorite recent vacation: 
flew first class to Eu- 
rope and sat near 
Sidney Poitier.” 
2. She's ready to 
act. "I had to 
turn down my 
first feature film 
because of a con- 
flict,” she says. 
"They had a tight 
schedule and 
couldn'tlet me go. 
There'll be more." 
3. She won't be the 
next reality-TV per- 
sonality. “1 enjoy watching television, 
but you won't catch me on there cen- 
soring what I say." 


Serrio Towan 
reveoled. 


It's been fun watching the rise 
and fall af Anna Nicole Smith's 
coreer—ond 
jeans size. 
The newly 
syelte stor 
hos mojar 
shrinkoge 
under her 
belt, ond 
now she's 
shilling for 
TrimSpo, the 
weight-loss 
pill thot she 
soys helped her go fram husky 
(obave, ot o Friars Club raast) to hat 
(right, at the launch porty for The 
Anna Nicole Shaw: Seasan One DVD). 


POP QUESTIONS: 
DEVIN DE VASQUEZ 


Q: Your new beauty and skin care 
line, Devin's Beauty, is available at 
devinsbeauty.com. Why did you go 
into the cosmetics business? 

A: When I tell peo- 
ple my age, they're 
like, “You are not 40! 
1 want to do what 
you're doing.” I still 
get carded. I decided 
to share my beauty se- 
crets with the world. 

О: Do people ге- 
member you from 
PLAYBOY? 

A: Of course. And 
also from Can't Buy Me Love. 1 believe 
in beauty without surgery. I take 
good care of myself. Hopefully, when 
I'm 50 ГИ still look 40. 


MY FAVORITE PLAYMATE 


By Evan Handler 


"My fovarite Centerfald2 
W's definitely а process 
of eliminatian. Reneé 
Tenison (below) — 
she is ane af 
the finalists. 
Olo Roy was in 
Michael Jacksan's 
b Thriller video, sa 
I'll toke her, tao. | 
think the singer 
Jewel is cute, but 
that doesn't help 
us, because she 
hasn't posed far the 
magazine yet. 
Hmm.... Do you think 
you can get her to?" 


AN 


“I can't believe I'm a model 
again,” says Bebe Buell, who is 
represented by the IMG model- 


ing agency. “It's cracking Ay 


me up!” Beebs appeared | 
with daughter Liv Tyler 
on The E! True Hollywood 

Story: Rock Star Daughters €f 
and (along with Playmate © 
Marcy Hanson) in Rod's Girls, 7 
a documentary about the women 


who've dated Rod Stewart... Ava 
Fabian (below) and her 


Ако Fabion: Bunny hopping. 


Playmate pals entertained guests 
by dancing on a giant birthday 
cake at PLAYBOY's 50th anniver- 
sary party in New York City... 
Shauna Sand's ex, Lorenzo 
Lamas, is dating Barbara Moore, 
while Barbara's father is dating 
Miss March 1954, Dolores Del 
Monte....Karla Conway Sachi 
is offering the rights 
to more than 600 
of her paintings 
and 


N y 
We wish we had Jesse's girl. 


sculptures, as well as movie rights 
and access to her archives for 
$1 million. “I believe it's worth 
way more than that,” she says. 
For more info call 800-500- 
4486.... Who's the lucky guy 
shown above? Suimfan actor Jesse 
Bradford, who hung out wi 

Miriam Gonzales at the Mansion. 


olds Tobacco Co. лый Т Offer and webulte resivicted to smokers 214, 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Quitting Smoking 
Now Greatly Reduces Serious Risks to Your Health. 


Second season premieres 


i March 7 at 8 p.m. ET/10 | 
„т. p.m. PT 
| New shows every Sunday! ө 


чүү, 
ме iN For program information go to: Playboytv.com 
Playboy ТМ available from your local сй etr or home satellite provider in the U.S. and Canada. ©2004 Playboy Entertainment Group, Inc. АН rights reserved. PLAYBOY TV 
"а. A 


JAMES IMBROGNO 


О 


n 


the 


$ 


сепе 


WHAT'S HAPPENING, WHERE IT'S HAPPENING AND WHO'S MAKING IT HAPPEN 


because you had j 


DREAM ON 


ay you had $100,000 cash in your pocket and you were 
standing in a high-end stereo shop, feeling pretty good 
icked four martinis out of a gorgeous 


zirl's navel. What would you do? Yeah, that's what we 


would do, tco. In fact, that's just about exactly wh 


at we did 


To honor our annual music issue, we put together a stereo 


| a 


Left and right: Martin 
Logan's Odyssey speakers 
($10,495) project high- 
and mid-range sound 
electrostatically. (An ultra- 
thin charged membrane 
vibrates between two rigid 
panels. That's all you need 
to know.) Each five-foot- 
plus speaker also has a 
pair of woofers in the base 
for low-end frequencies. 
An extra $8,000 gets you 
the surround sound sys- 
tera, including a 400-watt 
subwoofer, a center chan- 
nel and two rear speakers. 


Below: Meridian's 861 
Surround Processor 
Version 4 ($15,700) 

uses sound cards that 
can be added or 
replaced to handle 
new audio formats. 
No matter what new 
technology is on the 
horizon (Dolby 
10.02), you'll never 
need to purchase 
another processor. 


IL. 


by Theta Digital ($4,500) 
tackles every format, including 
recordable DVD, DVD-Audio 
and SACD. Bottom: Balanced 


Audio Technology's VK-6200 
amplifier ($10,995) accepts 
200-watt modules to expand 
from two to six channels. In 
other words, it's six amps 

in one. The power (read: 
volume) is simply awesome. 


WHERE AND HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 152. 


tal cost: $52, 
lution citations. 


system worthy of a king—true audio that focuses not just on your 
home theater but on playing "Sympathy for the Devil" as it ought 
to sound. Our only guideline: The gear should be fle 


ble enough 
nd have an aesthetic as outrag 
). That'll leave you just enough to cover 


Above: High-quality turntables spin at more constant 
speeds, resist vibration better and use quieter motors 
than cheaper models. The result: sound quality that stereo 
purists will argue is better than anything a CD player could 
ever produce. The HR-X turntable by VPI ($10,000) uses 
two ultra-low-powered motors to drive the flywheel, and 
the peripheral ring clamp minimizes the effects of warping, 
which lessens the chance of skipping. The suspension 
system ensures you'll hear zero vibration and distortion. 


ШЕ среу!пе 


A Squeeze of Lima 

Brazil's ADRIANA LIMA started her career by placing second in the Ford Super- 
model of the World contest and has since posed for Guess and, at right, Victoria's 
Secret. As if she's not angelic enough, she—no joke— 


гы" with orphans in her spare time. 
{ ) 


Booty and 

the Beast 

We don’t blame TRACY, 
MORGAN for kissing 
AISHA TYLER's ass. 

Not only is she booty- 
licious, but she'll 

soon be an even hotter 
commodity: She's set 
to star in a TV comedy 
executive-produced by 
Lisa Kudrow of Friends. 


Gwen Solo! 

No doubt this will be a 
banner year for GWEN 
‘STEFANI: Her first solo 
CD features OutKast and 
Missy Elliott, and in The 
Aviator she plays Jean 
Harlow to Leo DiCaprio's 
Howard Hughes. — — 


Roselyn Blooms 
We fell for former Miss 
Puerto Rico Petite 
ROSELYN SANCHEZ in 
Rush Hour 2, and now her 
red-carpet looks have the 
paparazzi on her trail. See 
more of her this year in 
The Underclassman. 


Tickled Keys 
Avoiding the sophomore 
slump is one thing, but 
ALICIA KEYS went further: 
Nothing Her second album, The 
But Net | Diary of Alicia Keys, entered 
the Billboard chart at num- 
ber one by selling 618,325 
copies in its first week. 


EMILY SCHAEFFER 
has had bit parts in 
Bedazzled, Amer- 
кап Wedding and 
Catch Me If You 
Can. Next Block- 
buster night, you 
know what to rent. 


Thataway, Hathaway! 

When Garry Marshall directed ANNE HATHAWAY in The 
Princess Diaries, he called her a combination of Julia 
Roberts and Audrey Hepburn. Next up? Ella Enchanted, 
a modern-day fairy tale with Cary Elwes. 


e 


Wiotpourri 


170 


EYE CANDY 


If you're mildly perverted, as a man should be, you may have heard of 
Michele Smith Designs, which makes G-strings with exotic stones that 
run up a woman's butt. Smith's latest: Edible Sweet G's, embroidered 
mesh fabric panties with candy-string backs. Yep, ir's the age-old edible- 
underwear concept, made with a touch of class and some riboflavin. “It 
was like discovering a fifth food group," notes our tester. "My girlfriend 
found them ticklish—in a good way.” They're $25 a pair, plus $20 for 
two strings of replacement candy. Head over to jeweledgs.com. 


THE MUSCLE SCOOTER 


Speeding a scooter through congested city traffic is thrilling and dan- 
gerous enough to qualify as an extreme sport. Especially when you 
consider the new Vespa Granturismo ($4,899), the company's fastest, 
most adrenaline-fueled ride ever. The 200cc scooter is the first Vespa to 
feature a four-stroke, four-valve engine, so you'll have that extra juice 
to gun it around an open car door. Top speed is a nervy 70 mph, but 
the scooter's 12-inch wheels should keep you upright over the nasties 
of potholes. A compartment under the seat stores a full-size helmet. We 
gest you wear it. Available in steel gray, black and vintage green. 

it vespausa.com for a dealer near you. 


AX TO THE MAX 


Want to lighten the load of gear you're 
lugging to gigs? The Variax 700 ($2,000), 
by Line 6, can reproduce the sounds of a 
Guitar Center's worth of well-known elec- 
tric and acoustic beauties. Among the 25 
choices you can dial in using the selector 
knob: Gibson Les Pauls (for Zeppelin 
solos), Fender Telecasters (for Springsteen 
covers) and even an electric sitar (for 
“Paint It, Black”). Available at line6.com. 


SMOKE ME 


Eminent cigar maker Nick Perdomo 
made a heroic escape from Castro's Cuba 
in the 1960s and reestablished his com- 
pany in Nicaragua, where he continued 


to make Cuban-seed tobaccos. Now his 
son, Nick Perdomo Jr., has released the 
Edicion de Silvio, made the old-fashioned 
way in his father's honor. Three sizes are 
available (Robusto, Double Corona and 
Number 2 Torpedo), from $17 to $25 a 
smoke. Check perdomocigars.net. 


рапу, named after the legendary 

Hollywood silversmith and saddle 

maker who designed belt buckles for 

John Wayne, Gene Autry and Roy Rogers 

in the 1940s and 19505, is reissuing classic N 
buckles and other items using the original die = 

casts. Pictured, from left: Sterling silver buckle 
($1,995) from the film plus а sterling Longhorn 
buckle ($395). Dial 800-823-8340 for more info. 


GET A GRIP 


Rabid fans of the Arena Foot- 
ball League—all eight of 
them—have noticed some- 
thing different about this, the 
AFL's 18th season. The league 
has three new teams (go 
VooDoo!) and a new official 
ball, courtesy of Spalding 
($80). Like your favorite 
liquor bottle, the ball fits 
snugly in your hand. And it 
features blue crosshairs and 
stripes on off-white leather, 
like some haute couture 
pigskin. Don't sweat the April 
showers—this sucker's made 
to be hurled indoors. Pick one 
up ata sports shop near you. 


SOME LIKE THEIR PENS HOT 


Hef knew what he was doing when 

he put Marilyn Monroe on PLAYBOY's 

first cover. Now Krone is releasing a \ 

luxury Monroe fountain pen ($5,500) 

that features an actual sample of the 

late actress's red lipstick in the diamond- 

studded cap. Squint into the pen's gold-fili- 

greed peephole and you'll find a photo of Norma Jean, luscious 
cleavage and all. The limited-edition pen (only 288 were made) is 
also engraved with her signature. Available at penperfecto.com. 


DRINKS ARE SERVED 


Unlike any other spirit on earth, vodka can be 
made anywhere out of anything—beets, wheat, 
grapes, potatoes, shoe leather. Emerald Vodka 
($25), new from Canada, is distilled from win- 
ter wheat and baby spring corn. Absolut's entry 
in the superpremium category, Level ($30), is 
distilled in Sweden from winter wheat. Amazon 
Rainforest Vodka ($30) comes from Brazil and 
is brewed from sugarcane; purchase a bottle 
and you save 5,000 fecı of Amazon rain forest. 
All three are available in stores now. 


Mz | 


WHAT A НАМ! 


If you're planning to bake an Easter ham, 

save your energy. Nueske's will send you a six- 
to seven-pound honey-glazed, apple-wood- 
smoked ham ($60), and all you have to do is 
heat it up. Each hog is smoked for 24 hours 
(the same recipe since 1882), so the meat is 
more tender than one of our Playmates. Try 
their smoked and peppered bacon, too ($21 for 
two pounds). Check the menu at nueske.com. 


| 


ОН COME, OH COME, EMMANUELLE 


FRIENDLY FIRE—TWO DAYS AFTER RETURNING HOME FROM 
THE FRONT LINES OF IRAQ, A U.S. INFANTRYMAN DISAP- 
PEARED FROM HIS POST AT FORT BENNING IN GEORGIA AND 
WAS DECLARED AWOL. FOUR MONTHS LATER HE WAS FOUND 
DEAD, ALLEGEDLY KILLED BY MEMBERS OF HIS PLATOON 
AFTER A NIGHT AT A STRIP CLUB. NOW HIS FATHER WANTS TO 
KNOW WHY HE DIED. BY MARK BOAL 


DEREK ЈЕТЕН- АТ 29, THE YANKEES SHORTSTOP IS ONE OF 
THE MOST SUCCESSFUL ATHLETES IN ALL OF SPORTS. WE 
GO TO BAT WITH HIM ABOUT HIS FAMOUS EXES (MARIAH 
CAREY, JORDANA BREWSTER), HIS NOTORIOUS PARTYING 
HABITS, HIS HALL OF FAME FUTURE, BEING A ROLE MODEL 
AND WHY HE'S CONSTANTLY TRYING TO IMPROVE HIMSELF. 
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW BY DIANE K. SHAH 


VIBRATORS—FOR 10 DAYS OUR PLUGGED-IN REPORTER 
TESTED EVERY BUZZING ORGIZMO AVAILABLE TO WOMAN. 
SHE EVEN WENT TO A VIBRATOR FACTORY TO SEE HOW THE 
THINGS ARE MADE. THEN SHE AND HER FRIENDS (HOW'S THIS 
FOR A VISUAL?) TURNED ON, TUNED IN AND PICKED THE BEST 
TOYS FOR YOU AND YOUR FAVORITE PARTNER. THE NEXT BIG 
O IS ON US. BY ANNA DAVID 


THE PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: DEREK JETER IS GAME. 


FASHION: GOIN’ BACK TO CALI 


| mer 


А i 
MISS MAY NEEDS SOME HELP WITH HER ТОР 


NATASJA VERMEER—WHO HASN'T SPENT MANY A NIGHT. 
WATCHING EMMANUELLE, THE EROTIC CABLE MOVIE GOD- 
DESS, EMBARK ON SKINEMATIC ADVENTURES TO BANGKOK. 
TO AFRICA, EVEN TO PRISON? MEET THE NEXT INCARNATION 
OF THE SEXY SCREEN SIREN. YES, SHE'S NAKED. 


DRESSING THE PART —FIVE UP-AND-COMING ACTORS— 
SAMUEL BALL, DWAYNE ADWAY, ALAN TUDYK, ALEXI 
YULISH AND MATTHEW CAREY —MINGLE WITH LEADING 
LADIES (AND SHOW OFF THE LATEST CALI-COOL FASHION). 
YOU CAN SAY YOU KNEW THEM WHEN. 


SEE YOU IN PARADISE—ONE MAN'S FANTASY—DATING THE 
BOSS'S DAUGHTER—TURNS INTO FANTASY ISLAND (MINUS 
TATTOO). WHY IS HE BEING FORCED TO SIT AROUND WAITING 
FOR THE PHONE TO RING ALL DAY? AND WHO ARE ALL THESE 
OTHER GUYS AFTER THE SAME WOMAN? FICTION BY 
J. ROBERT LENNON 


PLUS: WE COUNT DOWN HOLLYWOOD'S HOTTEST SEX STARS, 
A PREFAB ROOFTOP BACHELOR PAD, SCOTT TUROW ON FIVE 
WAYS TO FIX THE DEATH PENALTY, THE WORLD'S BEST BAR- 
TENDERS, IN THE BEDROOM WITH CENTERFOLD CHARLOTTE 
KEMP, AND MISS MAY, NICOLE WHITEHEAD 


Playboy (ISSN 0032-1478), April 2004, volume 51, number 4. Published monthly by Playboy in national and regional editions, Playboy, 680 North 
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dian Publications Mail Sales Product Agreement No. 40035534. Subscriptions: in the U.S., $29.97 for 12 issues. Postmaster: Send address change to 

172 Playboy, PO. Box 2007, Harlan, Iowa 51537-4007. For subscription-related questions, e-mail circ@ny.playboy.com.