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JUICED! 
i | Ap ANDERSON 
2) THE NAKED TRUTH 
‘JOHNNY DEPP: 
CLEANS UP | 


` DEATH & 
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After years of balancing arty projects with popcorn flicks, Johnny Depp nabbed an Academy Award nomination for a 
perfect combination of the two, playing the swashbuckling Keith Richards—oops, we mean Captain Jack Sparrow—in 
last summer's smash Pirates of the Caribbean. Did Depp have Oscar expectations? "That was not in any way in the 
cards," reports Bernard Weinraub, whom we nominated to meet Depp for this month's Playboy Interview. "With his pub- 
lic persona, | didn't know what to expect. He comes across as a way-out guy, but he's not like that at all. He's friendly, 
very easy to talk to, quite down-to-earth and real. Although he wants to separate his private life as much as he can now 
that he has two children, he was willing to talk about pretty much anything. He seemed like a really smart guy." 


“When | went to California 
Exotics," says Anna David, the 
author of Sex Pistols, a hands- 
on survey of the buzzing vibra- 
tor market, “I was taken into a 
conference room, and every 
inch of wall space was covered 
with the company's 1,800 
products. | was glancing around 
this massive room, and every- 
where you looked, you saw 
some kind of sex toy. There 
were gerbils, teasers and 
tongues. So much time and en- 
ergy are put into these things. 
The people talking about them 
are dressed in three-piece 
suits and might as well be dis- 
cussing investment banking.” 


By the time the designer steroid scandal broke last year— 
eventually putting Barry Bonds and Jason Giambi, among 
others, on the witness stand—Jonathan Littman, the author 
of “Gunning for the Big Guy,” had already spent months in- 
vestigating the story. “I never imagined a narcotics agent 
would go undercover to expose sports doping,” he says. 
That was before he met the agent half a dozen times and 
hung out in Barry Bonds's gym. “It certainly seemed as if a 
lot of people there were on steroids.” 


In this month’s fiction, See You in 
Paradise, by J. Robert Lennon, 
a young man gets involved 
with a college girl whose fam- 
ily's company is incorporated 
offshore. Lennon calls the tax- 
shirking phenomenon irk- 
some. "But without it," he says, 
"where would satire come from? 
I'm just glad | could find a use 
for this particular moral turd. 
Thegirl seems to me very aware 
of the advantages of her posi- 
tion and is quite a bit less 
dumb than the story's protag- 
onist would like to believe. 
Someday she will take over 
the company and cut off her 
father's pension." 


Jaime Wolf wrote Raising the Bar, a look at new superstar 
bartenders. “Over the past few years,” he explains, “I 
became interested in the legacy of Trader Vic, one of the 
great midcentury bartenders who invented a lot of the 
cocktails that exist today. | wanted to know who now is 
inventing drinks that we'll still be drinking in 40 or 50 years. 
And that dovetails with a trend I've noticed: Foodie 
values—aesthetics, presentation and attention to gourmet 
ingredients—have migrated to the area of alcohol." 


Rum. 
All Grown Up. 


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LAYBOY 


| contents continued | continued 


vol. 51, no. 5—May 2004 


pictorials 


72 


94 


124 


REMEMBERING HELMUT 
NEWTON 

He was a master of nude photogra- 
phy. In a tribute to the late vision- 
ary, we look back at some of his 
most striking PLAYBOY photos. 


PLAYMATE: NICOLE 
WHITEHEAD 

This gorgeous pilot will take 

ou to dizzying heights. 
PAM ANDERSON 
Stripperella takes it all off. 


notes and news 


155 


HAPPY HOLIDAYS WITH HEF 
Hef and his sexy elves celebrate 
XXXmas with Nic Cage, Steve Van 
Zandt and Thora Birch. 


THE PLAYBOY FORUM 
A chat with the man behind Bush's 
environmental plan and a bird's- 
eye history of the finger. 
PLAYMATE NEWS 

Victoria Fuller goes pop on the art 
world and three zingers about 
Nikki Ziering. 


departments 


PLAYBILL 
DEAR PLAYBOY 
AFTER HOURS 
PLAYBOY TV 
PLAYBOY.COM 
MANTRACK 


47 


143 
159 
160 
162 


THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 
PARTY JOKES 

WHERE AND HOW TO BUY 
ON THE SCENE 
GRAPEVINE 

POTPOURRI 


fashion 


114 


DRESSING THE PART 

Six of Hollywood's next big things 
model clothes worthy of a red-carpet 
premiere, BY JOSEPH DE ACETIS 


reviews 


31 


33 


34 


36 


38 


MOVIES 
Man on Fire is hot; Van Helsing is 
a vonderful vampire hunter; it 
won't hurt to watch The Punisher. 


DVDS 

Cut through The Last Samurai 
and Kill Bill Vol. 1; topless Teri 
Hatcher is a super woman. 
MUSIC 

Open your ears to Dilated Peoples; 
Blondie's back. 


GAMES 

ESPN Major League Baseball 
steps up to the plate; score with a 
sexy pixel named Emma. 

BOOKS 

Eventide is a smooth sail; a history 
of getting high; X-rated posters to 
add to your video collection. 


AU WILL BE тилде СТ To PLAYBOY'S UNRESTRICTED RIGHT YO EDIT AND To COMMENT EDITORIALS PLAYBOY, CATE 


DIENTE DE LA SECRETARIA DE GOBERNACIÓN, MÉXICO. RESERVA DE DERECHOS Or 2000.071710 
PRINTED IN U.S.A. 


vol. 51, no. 5—may 2004 


PLAYBOY. 


contents] 


features 


GUNNING FOR THE BIG GUY 

For our exclusive report on the BALCO steroids bust, PLAYBOY gained unlimited 
access to the investigation's key undercover narcotics cop. Find out why an IRS 
agent appeared to be hell-bent on bringing down Barry Bonds, what the narc 
learned after he bench-pressed his way into the home run hero's inner circle and 
how this landmark investigation was almost derailed by a near-death experience. 
BY JONATHAN LITTMAN 


RAISING THE BAR 

Meel the world’s five best mixologists, men and women who are turning the age-old 
job of bartending into fine art and high science. They've updated classic cocktails for 
today's generation—and we have their secret recipes. BY JAIME WOLF 


SEX PISTOLS 

Welcome to the golden age of the vibrator—the pulsating playthings have never 
been more popular or more advanced. We decided to take a closer look, so we filled 
our intrepid author's home with nearly every buzz toy on the market and asked her 
and her girlfriends to give them a whirl. It’s the ultimate road test. BY ANNA DAVID 


DEATH AND DISHONOR 

On July 14, 2003 five veterans of the most brutal battle of the Iraq war celebrated 
their recent return home at a Georgia strip club. Hours later one of the soldiers 
disappeared without a trace. His father, a former military man, set off to find the 
truth. He discovered a shocking tale of brutality and betrayal. What could turn for- 
mer platoon mates against one another? The answers may lie in the blood-drenched 
streets of Iraq. BY MARK BOAL 


CENTERFOLDS ON SEX: ANGELA MELINI 
Angela gives tips on the art of the approach. Sharpen your skills. 


20Q: MATTHEW PERRY 

Friends has ended, but the actor who played Chandler isn't content to sit collecting 
residuals from reruns. Currently starring in The Whole Ten Yards, he reveals how it 
feels to be one of the 100 richest celebrities in the world, what he must see on TV 
and how hard it was to talk Amanda Peet into taking off her top. BY ROBERT CRANE 


fiction 


SEE YOU IN PARADISE 
A nice guy gels involved with a rich man's daughter. When the father forces him 
into working for the family business in the Caribbean, life's anything but a beach. 
BY J. ROBERT LENNON 


interview 


59 


JOHNNY DEPP 

In Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Ed Wood and What's Eating Gilbert Grape, 
Depp specialized in playing misfits. In real life Depp specialized in getting liquored 
up, arrested and involved with the likes of Winona Ryder and Kate Moss. Now with 
an Oscar nomination and a $300 million hit under his belt, Depp has emerged at 
40 as the hottest actor in Hollywood. Is he a changed man? In his most revealing 
interview to date, the rebel actor talks frankly about his life as an exile, a dad and a 
former boozehound. BY BERNARD WEINRAUB 


ва 


cover story 


Whenever Pom Anderson oppeors in PLAYBOY 


she couses Pamdemonium. But we've con- 
ducted drills ond ore prepored to hondle all 
the accolades we'll get for photogropher 
Stephen Woydo's sexy pictorial. One thing's 
for certoin: Pom's still o VIP. Our Robbit 
loves to play footsie. 


VEGAS 
HEATS UP WITH 


THEGOOLER 


(Academy Award? Nomination!*) 
(2 Golden Globe? Nominations! ) 


WILLIAM H 
MACY 


MARIA 
BELLO 


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BALDWIN 


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HUGH M. HE 


editor-in-chief 


NER 


JAMES KAMINSKY editorial director 

STEVEN RUSSELL deputy editor 
TOM STAEBLER art director 

GARY COLE photography director 

LISA CINDOLO GRACE, managing editor 
ROBERT LOVE editor at large 
CHRIS NAPOLITANO, STEPHEN RANDALL executive editors 
LEOPOLD FROEHLICH assistant managing editor 


EDITORIAL 
FEATURES: A J BAIME articles editor FORUM: CHIP ROWE senior editor; PATTY LAMBERTI assistant 
editor MODERN LIVING: SCOTT ALEXANDER senior editor; JASON BUHRMESTER associate 
editor STAFF: ALISON PRATO senior associate editor; ROBERT B. DESALVO, TINOTHY MOHR 
assistant editors; HEATHER HAEBE, CAROL KUBALEK, EMILY LITTLE, KENNY LULL editorial assistants 
CARTOONS: MICHELLE URRY editor; JENNIFER THIELE assistant COPY: WINIFRED ORMOND copy chief; 
STEVE GORDON associate copy chief; CAMILLE CAUTI Senior copy editor; ROBIN AIGNER, ANTOINE 007015, 
JEAN RODIE copy edilors RESEARCH: DAVID COHEN research director; BRENDAN BARR senior researcher; 

RON MOTTA, DARON N 


RPHY, DAVID PFISTER, MATTHEW SHEPATIN researchers; MARK DURAN research 


ibrarian EDITORIAL PRODUCTION: JENNIFER JARONECZVK HAWTHORNE acting managing editor; 
BONNIE SHELDEN manager; VALERY SOROKIN associate READER SERVICE: MIKE OSTROWSKI 
correspondent CONTRIBUTING EDITORS: KEVIN BUCKLEY; JOSEPH DE ACETIS (FASHION, 
GRETCHEN EDGREN, LAWRENCE GROBEL, KEN GROSS, WARREN KALBACKER, ARTHUR KRETCHMER, 
JOE MORG 


\STERN, JAMES R. PETERSEN, DAVID RENSIN, DAVID SHEFF, JOHN D. THOMAS 


HEIDI PARKER west coast editor 


ART 
SCOTT ANDERSON, BRUCE HANSEN, CHET SUSKI, LEN WILLIS, ROB WILSON senior art directors; 


PAUL CHAN senior art assistant; JOANNA METZGER art assistant; 


CORTEZ WELLS art services coordinator; MALINA LEE senior art administrator 


PHOTOGRAPHY 
MARILYN GEABOWSKI est coast editor; JIM LARSON managing edito 
photo editor; KEVIN KUSTER, STEPHANIE MORRIS senior editors; RENAY LARSON assistant edilor; 
7 
photographer; RICHARD 1201, MIZUNO, BYRON NEWMAN, GEN NISHINO, POMPEO POSAR. DAVID RAMS 
contributing photographers; BILL wire studio manager—los angeles; BONNIE JEAN KENNY 
manager, photo library; KEVIN CRA1Gmanager, photo lab; мктт Srt1GBtGEL photo 
researcher; PENNY EKKERT, MELISSA ELIAS production coordinators 


; PATTY BEAUDET-FRANCES senior 


ARNY FREYTAG, STEPHEN waya senior contributing photographers; GEORGE CEORGION sta 


DIANE SI 


BERSTEIN publisher 


ADVERTISING 
JEFF KIMMEL advertising director; RON STERN new york manager NEW YORK: HELEN BIANCULLI direct response 
advertising director; sut. jarre beauty manager; TATIANA VERENICIN fashion manager; JOHN LUMPKIN 
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manager; WADE BAXTER senior account executive LOS ANGELES: DENISE SCHIPPER west coast manager; 
COREY SPIEGEL senior account executive SAN FRANCISCO: JENNIFER SAND account executive 


MARKETING 
LISA NATALE associate publisher/marketing; SUE IGOE event marketing director; JULIA LICHT marketing 
services director; DONNA TAVOSO creative services director 


PRODUCTION 
MARIA MANDIS director; JODY JURGETO production manager; CINDY PONTARELLI, DEBBIE TILLOU 


associate managers; JOE CANE, CHAR KROWGZYK assistant managers; 
BILL BENWAY, SIMMIE WILLIAMS prepress 


CIRCULATION 


LARRY A. DJERE newsstand sales director; rHYLLIs ROTUNNO subscription circulation director 


ADMINISTRATIVE 
MARCIA TERRONES rights & permissions director 


PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES INTERNATIONAL, INC. 
CHRISTIE HEFNER chairman, chief executive officer 
JAMES  RADTKE senior vice president and general manager 


TOMMY HILF 
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idays with loved ones—including his six girl- 
friends. (1) Nicolas Cage with Mr. Playboy at 
Nic's Christmas party. (2) Mansion maidens 
making Christmas cookies for charity. (3) Dan 
Aykroyd with Playmate Nicole Whitehead and 
Hef's party posse at Concorde. (4) Steven Van 
Zandt at Playboy's 50th Anniversary Mansion 
do. (5) Sharing a cool yule at Disneyland. (6) 
Exchanging gifts on Christmas Eve in Hef’s 
bedroom. (7) Hef with Lil’ Hefs Cooper and 
Marston. (8) Thora Birch. (9) Cracking jokes 
with the host on Jimmy Kimmel Live. (10) Sofia 
Eng and Crispin Glover at the Mansion New 
Year's Eve gala—where the dress code 

is black tie and lingerie (or less). (11) 

The Dahm triplets. (12) Gene Simmons 

and Shannon Tweed. (13) Rochelle 
Loewen, Bill Maher, Hef and Holly. 

(14) Hot couple Lorenzo Lamas and 
Playmate Barbara Moore. (15) The 
Shield’s Benito Martinez and PMOY 
Christina Santiago. (16) “Weird” Al 
Yankovic and his wife, Suzanne. 


HOLIDAYS 


HEF 


continued. 


More New Year's Eve celebrating at the Man- 
sion. (1) The host and his girlfriends are ready 
to ring in 2004. (2) Playmate Nicole Narain 
and model Christian Monzon. (3) Sarah, Vicki 
and Rachel Satterfield, triplets discovered 
during the Great 50th Anniversary Playmate 
Hunt. (4) Corey Feldman and his wife, Susie. 
(5) Amy Mueller and Dr. Phil's son, Jay McGraw. 
(6) Ron Jeremy dancing with the ladies. (7) 
Hef's girlfriends Holly and Bridget blowing in 
the new year. (8) Traci Bingham and fiancé 
John Yarbrough. (9) Backstreet Boy Kevin 
Richardson and his wife, Kristin. (10) Charlie 
Matthau and Ashley Anderson. (11) Judd Nel- 
son with Don Adams's daughter, Christine. 
(12) Survivor: Pearl Islands stars Jon Dalton, 
Christa Hastie and Burton Roberts. (13) The 
Mansion’s notorious Painted Ladies 
adding spice to the festivities. (14) 
Shanna Moakler with her fiancé, 
Blink-182's Travis Barker. (15) 
Verne "Mini-Me" Troyer and his 
fiancée, Genevieve Gallen. (16) Hef 
and Holly with pal Drew Carey. 
re 
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E 


OWN THE THRILL 
BEFORE THE FINAL KILL 


MEET THE PRESSLY 

1 have been saying for years that 
Jaime Pressly is the hottest blonde in 
Hollywood, and she more than proves 
my point in her pictorial in your Feb- 
ruary issue. 


Frederick Augsburg 
Lexington, Kentucky 


Jaime Pressly is exquisite. Am I 
mistaken or is that a labia stud I see 
on page 128? 

Bob Amann 
Miami, Florida 

Jaime won't set off any metal detectors. 
That's just water from the ocean that 
splashed up between her legs 


Jaime Pressly is breathtaking, but 
much ofthe credit should go to Patrick 
Demarchelier. His photography is 
stunning, and he did an incredible job. 
capturing her beauty. 

Chuck Tompkins 
Mount Pleasant, Pennsylvania 


1 am a 58-year-old woman with 11 
grandchildren, and I have subscribed 
to PLAYBOY for at least 25 years. The 
February issue should make all my 
grandchildren realize that true beau- 
ties are as natural as Jaime Pressly. 


We dream of Jaime. 


She is a breath of fresh air in this age 
of augmentation. I am saving this 
issue to show to my granddaughters 
if they ever express a desire to alter 
their bodies. 

Dotte East. 

Cape Girardeau, Missouri 


1 would like to submit my ap- 
plication to become Jaime Pressly's 


P l a 


personal chauffeur or laugh buddy. 
Eric Shore 
Greensboro, North Carolina 
We hear she's looking for someone who 
can make her laugh and drive her around 
at the same time. 


Could you please ask Jaime Pressly 
if she ever calls out my name in her 
sleep? 

David Ames 
Salem, Virginia 
Dream on. 


MORE ON OUR GOLDEN ANNIVERSARY 
Your 50th anniversary issue gave 
me a great trip down memory lane. 
Too bad my favorite Playmate, Reagan 
Wilson from October 1967, ended up 
with the Centerfold "staple." I carried 
her picture in my helmet during the 
Vietnam war. 
Buck Cheshire 
Pleasant Hill, California 


I haven't stopped thinking about 
Norman Mailer's terrific article (Im- 
modest Proposals). IL is an opportunity 
to rekindle the spirit of dialogue in 
America. Let the talking begin! 

Alton Grimes 
Santa Barbara, California 


In January's Next Month you say 
that in the February issue you will 
have a pictorial of Mary-Kate and 
Ashley Olsen and a 20Q with Tara 
Reid. What happened? 

Nico Bosma 
Amsterdam, Netherlands 

If we had the kind of coffee shops in 
America that you have in Amsterdam, we'd 
be ashing the same silly question. Look a 
little more closely at the page. 


WOMAN IN HIS CORNER 
I really enjoyed the article on boxer 
Johnny Tapia (Fight or Die, February). 
It is a story of courage—not his 
courage but his wife's. The old saying 
"Behind every successful man is a 
great woman" has never been more 
true. Teresa is a saint. 
Terry Grant 
Shelbyville, Kentucky 


KICKING IT WITH KIEFER 
You conducted a great interview 
with Kiefer Sutherland (February). He 
has earned his spot as one of the 
world's top entertai 
John Long 


Fall River, Massachusetts 


Asa longtime fan of Sutherland's, I 
just had to buy your magazine when I 


y Б 


saw his name on the cover. It was 
worth it. The interviewer asked all the 
right questions, and those pictures 
were great too. 
Jan Woods 
Winnipeg, Manitoba 


I'ma dealer at a casino. Celebrities 
stop in all the time. During the week 
of National Finals Rodeo, Sutherland 
took a break from his show and spent 
a little time at the tables. I've seen 


The 24 star isn't а Lost Boy anymore. 


other stars get irritated when people 
come up to them at the table to ask 
for an autograph or a picture, but 
Sutherland was a class act. He chatted 
a little with each person. I've never 
scen anyone who was more gracious 
with his time. 

Christie Luu 

Las Vegas, Nevada 


HUMANS, STAY HOME! 

I take the opposite view of Ray 
Bradbury's (Destination Mars, Febru- 
ary). Keep Americans off Mars and 
away from any other planet. This 
country was founded on the genocide 
of 20 million peaceful people who. 
managed the land so well for 10,000 
years that European invaders thought. 
it was pristine. In the 228 years that. 
the land has been called the United 
States, we have polluted the water, the 
air and the soil and filled our bodies 
and those of all the other animals with 
toxins. Mars would do well to continue 
tO resist our arrival and the presence 
of all our space junk. 

Eleanora Robbins 
La Mesa, California 


PLAYBOY 


I'm sure that the hundred: thou- 
sands of people barely existing on 
minimum wage will agree with Brad 
bury that getting back to the moon 
and then to Mars is much more im 
portant than such trivial sufferings as 
inadequate health care, hunger and 
lack of heat 


Marc Hiesrodt 
Tekonsha, Michigan 


HOWLING FOR ALIYA WOLF 
It was only 10 degrees outside when 
1 got your February issue, but Aliya 
made me sizzle and sweat. If the women 
you're planning to feature in upcom- 
ing issues are anything like her, this is 
going to be one hot year. 
Brian Schafer 
Allentown, Pennsylvania 
Just a minute—let us check our Playmate 
Almanac. Yep, all the signs point to a 
bumper crop of unseasonably hot Genter- 
folds. Enjoy the harvest 


I have seen 10 years’ worth of the 
world’s most beautiful women on your 
pages, but Aliya Wolf is the only one 
who has prompted me to write. And 
yes, I reviewed the 50th anniversary 
edition thoroughly. 

Eric Von 
Las Vegas, Nevada 


MINIUSA.COM 


| 
ЖЇГЇ 


ated with апу camera manufacture 


Aliya Walf turns up the heat. 


For you, Miss Wolf, we men howl, 

For you have put us on the prowl 

We have adored you since the 50th 
Anniversary Playmate Ques 

We decided then that you are the 
best 

We know that you are much more 
than a cutie, 

For you are an elegant beauty. 

But we do think it is just dandy 


BMW af North America, UC. The MINI name and logo. 


That you fill the role of eye candy. 
For you cleared up our postholiday 
woes 
By posing without your clothes 
We do not mean to be rude, 
But you do excite many a healthy 
dude. 
And we do not mean to be crass, 
But we love your magnificent ass. 
And as this year does pass, 
You alrcady have our vote as 
PLAYBOY'S top lass, 
For it will be quite a feat, 
To beat you out for PLAYBOY 
Playmate of the Year! 
Ruairi, Hugh, Michael 
and Aidan Callahan 
Kansas City, Missouri 
Did you write this poem after drinking 
beer? 
If not, youll find our advice to be sincere: 
Do not make poetry your full-time career 


liya dear, 
2004 


Your Playmates are always beautiful, 
but Aliya stands out from the rest. She 
has the most beautiful face, not to men- 
tion that body. 

John Doner 
Kearny, New Jersey 


ADVISOR ADDENDUM 
In Advisor Raw Data (February) you 
state that only two percent of men 


registered trademarks. 


have erections that are larger than 
7.2 inches. I was flattered by this fact 
and want to know where you ob- 
tained this information 

Ryan Lochary 

Baltimore, Maryland 

In 1995 researchers at the University of 

California at San Francisco came to the 
above conclusion after putting their rulers 
under the gowns of 60 patients at local hos- 
pitals. They also found that two percent of 
men had penises shorter than 2.8 inches 
when erect. We wonder which group the 
female researchers tried to score dates unth. 


ULTIMATE TIP SHEET 
The article on sports betting was a 
winner (Play to Win, February), Since 
gambling is so popular, it was great to 
learn how to do it properly. 
Chris Fie; 
Carson Gity, Nevada 


FROM WOMEN WHO LOVE US 

1 just read the letter from the wom- 
an who said your magazine degrades 
females (Dear Playboy, February). 1 felt 
the same way when my daughter told 
me she wanted to pose in PLAYBOY. I 
bought an issue, intending to show her 
how awful it is. But then I looked 
through it and read the articles, and 1 


loved it. I now have a subscription and 
would be proud if my daughter ap- 
peared on your pages. 
Sydney Taylor 
Lancaster, Ohio 


If this woman really hates your maga- 
zine so much, why would she waste her 
time writing to you? PLAYBOY is well writ- 
ten and has tasteful pictures of women. 
Keep up the good work. She can sub- 
scribe to Better Homes and Gardens while 
PLAYBOYS. 

Hany Polisena 
Jtica, Michigan 


we cool women enjoy 


CASE CLOSED 
I thought I knew everything about 
the Robert Blake homicide case, but 
Miles Corwin unearthed a lot of sur- 
prising information (The People us. Robert 
Blake, February). At least one good 
thing came out of the O.J. Simpson 
debacle: The LAPD learned how to. 
handle evidence properly, obtain con- 
fessions and reconstruct a crime scene. 
In other words, it learned how not to 
screw up. There's no way a jury will find 
this celebrity innocent. My congratula- 
tions to the LAPD for a job well done. 
Jennifer Blair 
Minneapolis, Minnesota 


GRAPEVINE GAFFE? 
You made an error in Grapevine 
(February). That is not Jessica Simp: 
son falling out of her blouse. I wish it 
were, but it's not. 
Morgan Havoc 
Louisville, Kentucky 
That's Jessica, all right. We're glad we 


could make your wish come true. 


HUMOR HIT 
I read your Valentine's Day Sex Quiz 
(February) while I was watching an 
interview with President Bush. I 
laughed really hard. Both were amaz- 
ing and hilarious, but only one of 
them was clever. 
Larry Muehrer 
Oshkosh, Wisconsin 


Your Valentine's Day Sex Quiz puts 
PLAYBOY on the top of my charts. The 
obviously wrong answers were damn 
funny and innovative. I never thought 
about what a woman's expression 
would be if I put my penis in her 
spaghetti or, even worse, in her moth- 
er. Keep up the good work. 

Eugene Wagner 
Rosemount, Minnesota 


E-mail: DEARPB@PLAYBOY.COM Or write: 730 FIFTH AVENUE, NEW YORK, NEW YORK 10019 


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Krista Allen 


Watch your hands—this dish 
is served piping hot 


[\ aybe there is a reason you'd 
n v | consider seeing the upcoming 
romantic comedy Tony ‘n’ Tina's Wed- 
ding. Krista Allen will be there to ease 
your pain, playing a friend of Italian 
bride Mila Kunis of That '70s Show 
(okay, make that two reasons). Inter- 
estingly, Krista hangs with the gaba- 
gool crowd again in her other major 
role this year, as the sex-crazed niece 
of a mafioso in Shut Up and Kiss Me. 
Directors may like to cast Krista as a 
hot-blooded daughter of Italy, but in 
reality she's straight-up Texan. The 


She plays a sex-crazed 
Mob daughter, but Krista 
is straight-up Texan. 


Lone Star State couldn't keep Krista 
lassoed for long, though. In 1995, 
with only $1,000 in her jeans, she 
headed for Hollywood, adding another 
$2,500 with a gambling stopover in 
Vegas. The lucky streak didn't end 
there. Within a week of arriving in 
L.A. she landed a role on The Bold 
and the Beautiful as a bikini waitress 
(maybe we should start checking out 
those daytime dramas). Bit parts on 
Silk Stalkings and Married With Chil- 
dren, and a three-year stint on Days of 
Our Lives followed. Ditching soaps for 
a swimsuit, she breaststroked her way 
through the 1999 season of Baywatch 
before jumping to the big screen in 
Anger Management and Paycheck. 
Undoubtedly even bigger roles will 
follow. Meanwhile, if Krista needs to 
practice her wise-girl accent with 
someone, we'll bring the pizza. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY IAN SCOTT 


21 


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afterhours ] 


IT'S MAY AND... 


...you're celebrating May 
Day, known to witches 
and Renaissance Faire 
geeks as Beltane. Anti- 
dote to a long, hard win- 
ter? Sure, it gets silly— 
the maypole dance, men 
dressed as horses—but 
the age-old rhyme still 
rings true: “First of May, 
first of May, outdoor 
shagging starts today!” 


-..you finally know how much barbecue is too 
much. At the World Championship Barbecue 
Cooking Contest in Memphis, Tennessee 
(May 13 to 15), expect the 250 teams to 
torch more than 80 tons of succulent pork for 
100,000 'cue-crazy attendees. Pass the sauce. 


...you can satisfy your 
cutdoor-music jones 
early this year. The 
Coachella Valley Music 
Festival in Indio, Califor- 
nia (May 1 and 2) is the 
season's first and best: 
Radiohead, Wilco, the 
Cure, the Flaming Lips, 
Air, Stereolab, Belle 

& Sebastian, Le Tigre 
and the reunited Pixies, 
Can't beat it with a pick. 


...it’s all too likely that you haven't taken a 
single day of vacation yet, and probable that 
you haven't even planned any time off for the 
fast-approaching summer. Shame on you. 
Start small: Memorial Day is May 31. Be as 
far from the office as possible when it hits. 


d ai 


а 


..,you're putting on seersucker, sipping bour- 
bon and buying the little lady a funny hat: It's 
Triple Crown season. With the Derby and the 
Preakness this month, now's the time to soak 
up Thoroughbred mania—soon enough you'll 
be back at the local track betting on nags. 


bare season 


== 77 


we С 


E 2 
WINNING STREAK 

THE SUPER BOWL STREAKER'S RULES FOR FLASHING FUN 
With warm weather on the way, even the most buttoned-down fan 
may be tempted to flash a ball game crowd in celebration. We 
thought it wise to consult Mark Roberts, a streak-mad Englishman 
who has bared his pasty buttocks al more than 370 sporting 
events—including Super Bowl XXXVIII—for his top five tips: 

1. Entertain, don't interfere. Ifyou value your skin, streak only dur- 
ing a time-out. “Early in my career, at a Liverpool game, 1 went on 
the field with five minutes left. The game was close, and the crowd 
looked upset. I was lucky that Liverpool won.” 

2. Keep a low profile. At European stadiums, Roberts is a wanted 
man, so a disguise is essential. At the Super Bowl he dressed as a ref 
and “just walked onto the field. Nobody knew what was going on.” 
3. Screw the foreplay. When opportunity knocks, there's no time to 
fumble with belts or buttons, so Roberts has a couple of custom- 
made Velcro ensembles he can shuck in three seconds flat. 

4. Get in shape. Outrunning the police is part of the show—you 
won't last long if you're hungover from last night's bender. Poor 
dietary choices can also backfire. Says Roberts, “Never eat spicy 
food the night before a streak.” 


5. When nabbed, be polite. A streak should be fun for everyone. 
"I've never had a bad reaction from policemen. At the Super Bowl 


the police were laughing their heads off. I was signing autographs.” 


drink of the month 
YOUNGSTER BRAU 


What if the fountain of youth were a 
flowing spring of beer? Answering the 
prayers of wrinkly sots, Klosterbrauerei 
Neuzelle invented its “anti-aging bier" 
by harnessing the curative powers of 
saltwater, vitamins, minerals and algae. 
Also recently spotted in beer hall 

low-fat "power sausage"—loaded (like 
Red Bull) with caffeine and taurine. 
Can Viagra strudel be far behind? 


23 


24 


[afterhours 


the high life 


A CUBE OF ONE'S OWN 


NEW ROOFTOP PORTA-PAD FOR THE BACHELOR ON THE MOVE 


The Winnebago, the double-wide, the listing houseboat—mobile housing comes in many forms, all of them bereft of style or flair. 
Designer Werner Aisslinger is bucking tradition with Loftcube, a portable home that turns a barren roof into a chic urban aerie. 


At 387 square feet, Loftcube is small, but that means it can be hoisted by helicopter or crane. And the 
$69,000 price tag is a fraction of what you'd fork over for a Manhattan studio. (Throw in a few extra 
bucks to cover roof-space rental and an airlift or two.) “In the past, traveling businesspeople went from 
hotel room to hotel room,” says Aisslinger. "But with Loftcube, they can bring their home with them.” 


Walls can be transparent 
or opaque—sunlight and 
voyeurism are controlled 
with louvers or slats. The 
interior is moddishly spar- 
tan, but the views are un- 
beatable. With the skyline 
twinkling all around, mix 
martinis at the bar while 
she lounges on the built-in 
bed. One design includes 
a hot tub. If nothing else, 
Aisslinger has designed а 
superb lovers' lair—and 
you're the mack in the box. 


Loftcube's bathroom floor is paved with 
rocks that dry quickly and massage 
feet. Swiveling faucets supply water 
(provided you cen jack into your build- 
ing's plumbing) to multiple outlets: 
One tap serves the kitchen and bath- 
room sinks; the shower head doubles 
as a sprinkler for a tiny garden (above). 
For more info, visit loftcube.net. 


xxx files 


WINDOWS WASHING 


COVER YOUR ASS WITH COMPUTER-PORN-HIDING SOFTWARE 


Even if your girlfriend understands why you need six gigabytes of Jenna Jameson on your 
hard drive, she may not be thrilled to find hi-res hussies popping up every time she's 
online. Which killer apps should you use to hide the stuff? We asked the expert in the 
field —a mysterious Samaritan known only as Bill, who runs the hiding-porn.com site—for 
his picks. Encrypted Magic Folders (magicfolders.com, $60): Stash your porn in folders that 
remain invisible to anyone without the password. The encryption is automated, meaning 
that files are rescrambled on closing. Evidence Eliminator 5.0 (evidence-eliminator.com, 
$135): Neutralize those helpful features that only help to get you busted—notably form 
completion, which is how your kid's search for Barney landed her at barnyardhotties.com. 
Invisible Secrets 4 (invisiblesecrets.com, $40): Keep your porn-site passwords in a single 
encrypted file, then use the program's “steganography” function to hide that file deep in 
another document—say, a digital wedding photo (you twisted bastard). Extra-strength file- 
nuking and history-erasing features make Invisible Secrets the best bang for your buck. 


CER. 


BRAND NE ү SE u N OF. 


ROLL WITH | 
«Mariah Carey 
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Wyclef 
50 Gent 
Lil’ Kim 
and more 


Ignites Ys. May 2: 8PM/7C 


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26 


[ afterhours 


BUSTED CELEBRITY POKER 
PLAY THE SHAME GAME WITH 52 FAMOUS FACES 


Forget Iraq's Most Wanted cards. This poker night, break out a 
fresh Starz Behind Barz deck—because mug shots of the rich and 
famous are timeless. The $7 pack features a full big house of 52 
pampered celebrities captured at royally flushed moments, along 
with details of their arrests. The busted include recent screwups 
such as Kobe Bryant and Wynonna Judd, along with such greats 
as deuce of spades Frank Sinatra (collared in 1938 for “carrying 
on with a married woman”) and eight of hearts Al Pacino (nabbed 
in 1961 for carrying a concealed weapon). Play your cards right 
and you may get to say, “Ha! I've got a straight, Nick Nolte high.” 


] Зь. | 


STARE WAY TO HEAVEN 
A NEW BAR GAME FOR GLASSY-EYED GLADIATORS 


Saturday night. Main Street, USA. Two men are locked in combat 
in a raucous bar. It's a test of willpower, ojo a ojo. Their eyes water. 
Their breathing is labored. Agonizing minutes later, one blinks, 
and the crowd cheers his defeat like French peasants at an execu- 
tion. This is StareMaster, the barroom blood sport born in Florida 
and quickly finding fans nationwide. Its rules, devised at the Han- 
dle Bar in Pensacola by Sean Linezo and Jaimes Miller, are simple: 
Combatants lock eyes as video cameras broadcast their every facial 
tic to the crowd. “Eye of the Tiger” blares. After two minutes the 
competition enters the Dry-Eye Death Phase, during which the first 
to blink loses. In the peanut gallery name-calling and nudity are 
common. “In your peripheral vision you can see this cauldron of 
human flesh writhing and screaming,” says Will Lemon, a recent 
StareMaster champ from New York City. “It's like being in hell. But 
after 1 won I was high for three days. Girls were coming up to me, 
and I felt like a king. Stare Master made a player out of me.” 


| employee of the month | 


CHEMICAL ATTRACTION 


EDMONTON CHEMIST CANDICE BERSANI 
IS A TEST TUBE BABE 


PLAYBOY: What's your 
job title? 

CANDICE: I'm a chemi- 
cal engineering technolo- 
gist with a company that 
makes pharmaceuticals. 
I make a lot of the chem- 
icals that go into pre- 
scription drugs. 
PLAYBOY: Do you have 
to wear a lab coat while 
handling the test tubes? 
CANDICE: There aren't a 
lot of test tubes, since 
we're working on a large scale. Everything is in reac- 
tors. But we do wear lab coats. Sometimes we get 
suited up in coveralls so we don't contaminate anything. 
PLAYBOY: What are your fellow engineers like? 
CANDICE: My field is almost all male. | get attention 
but not a lot of flirtation. I'm one of the guys. | don't 
think I could work with girls anymore—it's so laid-back. 
PLAYBOY: Do you ever secretly remind yourself 
you're not actually one of the guys? 

CANDICE: In summer when it's hot, under my cover- 
alls | wear just a bra and lace panties. 


Employee of the Month candidates: Send pictures lo Fue Photography Depart 
‘ment, Atin: Employee of the Month, 680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Minois 
60611. Must be at least 18 years od. Must send photocopies of a drivers license 
and another valid ID (not a credit card). one of which must nclude a current photo, 


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No 


For Kit Yun, the 
only way out of the 
Hong Kong underworld 

is to go back in. 


А dying man’s last wish. An undercover cop who's running out of time. Jet Li is 
Kit Yun in Rise to Honor, the story of a cop sworn to fulfill his duty, yet bound 
by a promise to a powerful crime lord. Now Kit must enter a shadowy world 
where, to preserve his honor, he'll have to risk his life. 


But as his enemies will 


soon learn, sometimes the one who is most honorable. 


Iso the most deadly. 


www.us.playstation.com "Rise k 
ol те 


LIVE IN YOUR WXRLD. 
PLAY IN OURS: 


Hauling Ass 


AND FACTS 


Late Night | Time Out on 
Polls the Field 
1 out of 5 Broadcast time of the 2004 


Nokia Sugar Bowl telecast 


Americans ages 
5 on ABC: 3 hours, 43 minutes 


18 to 29 say 
they get their 
presidential cam- 
paign news from 
comedy shows 
such as Saturday 
Night Live and 
The Daily Show. 


Live game action when the 
ball was actually in play: 
16 minutes, 28 seconds 


K> - omae = 


Your Number Is Up! ^ 
Lifetime odds, according to the National b 
Safety Council, of dying from: 
overexposure to narcotics and hallucinogens 1 i 
a fall involving a bed, a chair or other furniture 1 in 5,508 
legal execution 1i 

contact with hot tap water 1 in 65,092 

a foreign body entering through the skin or a natural orifice 1 in 99,446 
being bitten or struck by a dog 1 in 137,694 


Women buy 65% of all new cars purchased in the U.S. 


Cold Cash 


Prices in Oslo, Norway, the 
world's most expensive city: 
Gallon of gas: $4.89 

Basic hamburger: $5.95 
Pint of beer: $6.88 
ze in a public toilet: 


Beating 
the Spread 
191—calories in a 
serving of regular 
peanut butter 

187 —calories in a 
serving of fat-free 
peanut butter 


The Fuzzy Blue Line 


Police in northern India are paid an extra 
65 cents a month for wearing a mus- 
tache, which officials believe projects an 
air of greater authority, 


The Bottom Five 
Least Toothy Old Folks = 


Percentage, by state, of people 65 and older Я 


who have lost all of their natural teeth (as а ) 


point of comparison, just 13.1% of Hawaiian 
seniors have dropped all their choppers): 


46. Louisiana 33.8% 
47. Mississippi 35.1% 
48. Tennessee 36.0% 
49. West Virginia 41.9% 
50. Kentucky 42.3% 


operations of war 1 in 223,753 


Shakes and Awe 


$1 million 

has been written into the 
2004 U.S. defense budget to 
bring Shakespeare's Othello to 
16 military bases. 


Wired. ..and 
Not Loving It 


According to a 
Massachusetts 
Institute of 
Technology 
survey, gizmos 
we hate the 
most but can’t 
live without: 


ALARM 
CLOCK 


Hook, Line 
and Sinker 


$101,200 


Price construction 
worker Tracey Shirey 
paid at an auction 

for the “Holy Grail of 
fishing lures,” a 10-inch 
hollow-bodied copper 
minnow made by Riley 
Haskell in 1859. 


SHAVING 
RAZOR 


29 


Someday. 
"I'll do it someday? 

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, 
Friday, Saturday, Sunday. 


Sec? There is no Someday. 


It's time to ride. 


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“Yeah, but she's an 
adorable pyromaniac.” 


EW S 


| MAN ON FIRE ] 


Denzel burns up the screen to rescue a child 


It's not as if we dor't know what to expect when a burned- 
out ex-Marine (Denzel Washington) is hired by a wealthy 
family to protect its little girl [Dakota Fanning) in a foreign 
country. Unlikely friendship blooms. Bodyguard blinks and 
tyke gets kidnapped. Bloody rampage erupts. We've seen 
this before—literally, in a 1987 thriller with the same title. 
But Tony Scott (Spy Game, Crimson Tide), who nearly di- 
rected the earlier version, says he’s found new ways to set 
it off besides switching locales to Mexico City. “People 
didn't think I had the juice to pull off this movie when I was 
young and green. Let's say I've matured. I've tried to do 
the story in a way people haven't seen before, showing 
everything through Denzel's 
state of mind, filming how peo- 
ple see when they're under 
Stress and in danger. There's 
action, but the strength is the 
emotion of the story between 
this big black guy and this little 
porcelain nine-year-old. They're 
phenomenal together.” And well matched, apparently. 
“They were both totally preoccupied with who they were 
playing,” says Scott. “At the beginning of filming, the two of 
them were sitting in a car, waiting for the shot. They 
weren't talking. | said quietly to Dakota, ‘You know, this is 
just Denzel's process.’ She said, 'Dor't worry, | know. | 
worked with Sean Penn.” (April 23) — Stephen Rebello 


“I'm showing 
how people see 
under stress 
and in danger.” 


The Punisher 

(Thomas Jane, volta, ecca Romijn-Stamos) The lat- 
est Marvel Comics-based flick casts Jane as a man out to 
avenge his family's slaughter by gangsters. Body parts fly even 
more freely once he gets a taste for mayhem and appoints him- 
self judge and executioner to the entire criminal population. 


Our call: This big Pun is more 
Bronson-style vigilante than 
superhero, so the fun will be in 
watching Jane punish mobster 
Travolta for hamming it up— 
and for Battlefield Earth. 


Breakin’ All the Rules 

(amie le Union) To bounce back after his fiancée 
dumps him, a guy (Foxx) writes a breakup handbook that 
becomes a best-seller. He's back on top of the world until he 
falls for his best friend's girl (Union) and, yes, has to start 
breaking his own rules. 


Our call: The number-one sign 
that your girlfriend wants you 
to break up with her? She 
makes you take her to see this 
by-the-numbers, laugh-free 
romantic comedy. 


Laws of Attraction 

(Pie an, Ju re) Divorce attorney Brosnan 
gets shaken and stirred by fellow lawyer Moore as they face off 
in the breakup of a rock star and a fashion designer. Romantic 
comedy complications flare when the barristers race to find a 
disputed Irish castle and then impulsively wed. 


Our call: 
Fight more. Kiss and make up. 
Sue us if we missed a plot 
point. Just expect this to be 
criminally dull unless there's 
evidence of co-star chemistry. 


Fight. Flirt. Marry. 


Van Helsing 


ckinsale) In this action-horror franchise 
hopeful, it's out with the wooden stakes, in with the whirling 
metal blades and one-liners, as 19th century monster hunter 
Van Helsing (Jackman) and his sidekick (Beckinsale) square 
off against the Wolf Man, Frankenstein's monster and Dracula. 


Our call: The studio is hoping 
moviegoers who flocked to the 
reinvented Mummy films will 
line up for more CGI beasties. 
We prefer monster movies that 
actually try to scare us. 


32 


reviews [ movies 


You've come to grips with the fact that 
youll probably never see your face on 
the silver screen. But that doesn't 
mean your front porch, living room or 
quaint attic can't score as much cam- 
era time as Brad Pitt and earn you 
some Alist-style dough, too. Every 
scene of a film not shot on a prefab 
Hollywood back lot has to be shot— 
and paid for—somewhere. 

“We find private locations through 
state film commissions, via agencies 
that list properties and often just from 
driving around neighborhoods and 
knocking on doors,” says location 
scout Scott Trimble, who combs the 
nation in search of backdrops for mov- 
ies such as 50 First Dates and Sean 
Penn's upcoming The Assassination 
of Richard Nixon. “Once a director 
decides to use your place, we negoti- 
ate a price depending on how big a 
movie it is and whether we need to 
move in and bring 300 crew people.” 

So what's the paycheck for home 
invasion, Hollywood style? The going 
day rate can range from $500 to 
$5,000, and the final tally for a pri- 
mary location can run to a whopping 
$100,000. Location scout Scott Allen 
Logan, who hunted down private pads 
for the upcoming Meet the Fockers, 
comments, “What we paid the owners 
of the colonial Craftsman-style house 
| found in Pasadena, California for 
Daddy Day Care could finance several 
years of schooling at a private univer- 
sity. And the owner of the house used 
in Wag the Dog was rumored to have 
been paid north of $100,000 and then 
got another $200,000 for scratched 


| art house 


[ HOME SWEET HOLLYWOOD ] 


Is your castle ready for its close-up? 


floors." Make no mistake, renting out 
one's pad, like any other showbiz en- 
counter, can leave scars. Consider 
the Manhattanite forced to make 
weeks of harassing middle-ofthe-night 
phone calls before the producers of a 
1970s-set indie comedy finally re- 
stored lime-green walls to a color the 
owner could stomach. And once a film 


hits theaters, readily identifiable loca- 
tions often attract curious trespassers 
and even memento scavengers. 
Logan cautions that subletting to a 
movie production isn't for everyone, 
especially those just out for the big 
payday. "If people think their house is 
going to win them the lottery, more 
often than not the lottery is really the 
excitement of having Hollywood in 
their home." Thanks, but we'll take the 
cash. Up front. —Stephen Rebello 


The Saddest Music 
in the World 

"If you're sad and like beer, 
I'm your lady," says brew- 
ery baroness Isabella 
Rossellini, who spon- 
sors a contest to find the 
saddest music possible. 
Canadian filmmaker Guy 
Maddin's surreal com- 
edy—designed to look 
like a film made during 
the Depression—is goofy, 
poetic and a candidate 
for the year's funniest 
movie. —Andrew Johnston 


S C 


Capsule close-ups of recent films 
By Leonard Maltin 


THE DREAMERS Bernardo Bertolucci re- 
visits 1960s Paris in this story of a young 
American who falls in with a kinky brother 
and sister who share his love of cinema. 
Newcomer Eva Green is gorgeous, and 
Bertolucci lingers on her body (and on the 
guys’, too) in this NC-17 time trip. УУУ 


© ` Teenage boys will enjoy the 
topless girls on parade in this witless comedy 
(written and directed by Harvard alumni) 
about four high school grads on a European 
odyssey. But there's little else to recom- 
mend here...for males or females. ¥ 


50 FIRST DATES Once again Adam San- 
dler shows us what a sweet guy he is while 
purveying crude jokes. Drew Barrymore is 
as appealing as ever playing a woman with 
short-term memory loss who can't remem- 
ber Sandler from one day to the next. УУУ 


D Robert De Niro persuades Greg. 
Kinnear and Rebecca Romijn-Stamos to 
allow him to “re-create” the DNA of their 
late son and bring him back to life. Naturally 
something goes awry. This moody thriller is 
well acted but keeps stringing us along... 
toward an unsatisfying conclusion. ЖҰ 


JERSEY GIRL Can it be that Kevin Smith 
(Clerks) has gone sappy? This fairy-tale-ish 
comedy stars Ben Affleck as a workaholic 
single dad who falls in love with Liv Tyler 
and learns what's important in life. Oh yes: 
J. Lo's character dies mercifully quick. ¥¥ 


| OC The long-delayed 
U. s. release cf this Hong Kong smash will 
please martial arts fans who've been read- 
ing about it for several years. But the goofy 
Story of a soccer team that uses kung fu 
plays like a remake of Son of Flubber. ¥¥ | 


SPARTAN Val Kilmer stars in David 
Mamet's latest attempt at mainstream 
moviemaking, an off-putting yarn about a 
military operative who has to go it alone to 
rescue the president’s daughter. Derek 
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reviews [ dvds 


[ THE LAST SAMURAI ` 


Tom aes carves out his neat piece of the historical- epic genre 


Of the two recent films about an American who travels to Japan for a moonlighting 
gig, gets stranded and experiences a moral crisis, who would have guessed that the 
one with all the buzz would be an art-house comedy starring Bill Murray? Still, Tom 
Cruise and director Ed Zwick's lush samurai drama is fine when you crave something 
more epic than a karaoke montage. It's 1876, and boozy Civil War vet Cruise is hired 


to wipe out the samurai so 
Japan can modernize. Cap- 
tured in battle, he grows to 
respect samurai traditions and 
switches sides. Zwick is delib- 
erate (perhaps too deliberate) 
in balancing melodrama with 
giblet-spewing action. Pre- 
pare your home theater for 
battle: The snicking of Bush- 
ido steel keeps front speakers 
on alert, and Hans Zimmer's 
score gives the subwoofer a 
workout. Extras: Disc one has 
Zwicks commentary; disc two. 
offers additional scenes, a 
documentary and featurettes 
on weapons, costumes and 
sets. УУУ —Buzz McClain 


THE COOLER (2003) ÜberJoser William H. 
Macy spreads bad luck like the flu, paying 
his debt to a Vegas casino by being a 
"cooler" who derails others' winning streaks 
the minute he touches a stack of chips. 
He's nearly even with the old-school Mob 
thug who runs the casino—Alec Baldwin, in 
a meaty, Oscar-nominated turn—when he 
miraculously scores with gorgeous cocktail 
waitress Maria Bello and begins to lose his 
snake-eyes curse. Director-co-writer 
Wayne Kramer tells a solid, suspenseful 


fable with a few surprises and hedges his 
bets against cliché with dry comedy, frank 
sex ard visceral violence. He also hits the 
jackpot with a ballsy old-Vegas-versus- 
new-Vegas sub- 
plot. Extras: It’s an 
indie lovefest as 
members of the 
crew join Kramer 
on the commen- 
tary track. ууу 

—Gregory P Fagan 


"They're real, and they're spec- 
tacular,” Teri Hatcher an- 
nounced in a Classic Seinfeld 
moment, and her entrance as a 
Louisiana crime boss's moll in 
the 1996 thriller Heaven's Pris- 
oners brazenly backs up that 
claim (even if her Cajun accent 
is less convincing). Holding a 
gin rickey and eyeballing hero 
Alec Baldwin as if he were a 
rare steak, former cheerleader 
Teri dashed her good-girl image 
from Lois & Clark: The New. 
Adventures of Superman in a 
single bound. Her fans, how- 
ever, definitely felt an “up, up 
and away" sensation. 


ELEPHANT (2003) Harmless, decent high 
school kids fill the hallways in director Gus 
Van Sant's fictional meditation on the 
Columbine killings. The teens aren't trained 
actors, and while the camera bathes them 
in an Abercrombie & Fitch glow, Van Sant 
resists the urge to play the students for 
maximum sympathy. Viewers know the 
bloodletting will come—it’s the metaphoric 
pachyderm of the title—and watch in horror 
as the shooters prepare for their spree in 
scenes marked by documentary-style re- 
straint. Even with its artsy perspective, Ele- 
phant is wrenching, and the jury at Cannes 
gave Van Sant A شت‎ 

the best director a 
award and the 
Palme d'Or for it. 
Extras: not many 
beyond a good 
orset featurette 
yyy —G.R 


KILL BILL VOL. 1 (2003) With this gorific 
paean to Hong Kong action flicks, Quentin 
Terantino messes with your head while 
Uma Thurman's on-screen foes lose theirs. 
The wire-work melees are astonishing, and 
the hard-as-nails revenge motif is thrillingly 
realized. Hell, we hate the Deadly Viper 
Assassination Squad too! But we dig Thur- 
man as the vengeance-obsessed Bride, 
especially when she takes on a teahouse 
packed with martial arts gangsters. Of 
course, this might have felt more like an 
actual movie if it hadn't been chopped in 
half. Extras: besides a behind-the-scenes 
look and a Vol. 2 
trailer, zilch; the 
studio is saving 
the goodies for 
the combo boxed 
set. That's wor- 
thy of revenge. 
yy —B.M. 


REEFER MADNESS Add this camp 
classic—about squeaky-clean teens who 
puff marijuana and spiral into fornication 
and suicide—to your stash. Released in 
1938, Reefer resurfaced on the midnight 
circuit in the 1970s, causing tresh-baked 
audiences to giggle at the ham-fisted 
portrayal of the 

devils weed. This 

restored and col- ^ 
orized version 
proves the film- 
makers weren't 
total dopes; Be- 
hind the justsay- 
no homilies, the 
message could 
not be clearer— 
stoned chicks 
crave sex. 


33 


34 


reviews [ music 


cd of the month 


[ DILATED PEOPLES * NEIGHBORHOOD WE] 


Open your eyes to the next big hip-hop progressives 


Hip-hop is due for an originality over- 
haul, but progressive groups such as 
Dilated Peoples have struggled for 
attention in the glare of playa bling. 
That's changing now as OutKast and 
Black Eyed Peas push the genre's con- 
ventions. On their third album, Dilated 
Peoples return West Coast hip-hop to 
its roots—thumping bass, high hat and 
mellow keyboards. Front duo Evidence 
and Rakaa trade laid-back rhymes that 
weave from women to Reaganomics 
while avoiding standard posturing. 
“Big Business” attacks military spend- 
ing and manages to give a shoutout 
to Michael Moore (definitely a rap 
first). On “Closed Session” guests turn 
the track into a freestyle street jam. 
When the group claims, "Right now we 
parked in a comfortable spot, but by 
2004 we out to own the whole lot,” we 
get the feeling it's not just another 
boast. (Capitol) ¥¥¥—Jason Buhrmester 


BETA BAND * Heroes to Zeroes 

These guys have a knack for taking famil- 
iar instruments and creating a modern 
sound, But unlike most bands tagged as 
experimental, they also have an ear for 
pop melodies. On their latest—and most 
consistent—album, you'll hear the chim- 
ing guitars of U2, drums pilfered from the 
Cure, funky blasts of vintage bass synth 
and, for good 
measure, horns 
and harmonicas, 
all chucked into 
a Technicolor 
stew. Tasty stuff. 
(Astralwerks) 
ууу —Tim Mohr 


BOB DYLAN * Live 1964: Concert at 
Philharmonic Hall 

Forty years later, many see Dylan as an 
enigma, a harlequin who wears many 
different hats. This two-CD set clarifies 
matters. Recorded three months before 
he plugged in for "Subterranean Home- 
sick Blues," this concert marks the 
end of his acoustic career. It's still an 
Insurrectionary 
performance—on 
this night Dylan 
held New York in | 
the palm of his 
hand. (Columbia/ 
Legacy) ¥¥¥ 
—Leopold Froehlich 


BLONDIE * The Curse of Blondie 
Forgive Debbie Harry's recent stint on Will 
& Grace. Blondie's eighth album proves 
that she and the three other original mem- 
bers are still damn cool. Reminiscent of 
their best work, the 14 new songs rico- 
chet between pop, punk and hip-hop. The 
gloss that drips from classics such as 
“Dreaming” may have faded, but the band 
still has à chem- 
istry no one else 
can imitate. And 
Harry's seductive 
voice hasn't aged 
a day. (Sanctu- 
ary) ¥¥¥ 
—Patty Lamberti 


EVERLAST * White Trash Beautiful 
White and Irish, Everlast is an unlikely hip- 
hop pioneer, but his rap sheet, featuring. 
stretches in House of Pain and Ice-T's 
Rhyme Syndicate Cartel, speaks vol- 
umes. Add a cardiac arrest at 29 and an 
Eminem beef and he has plenty of mater- 
ial to rival his multiplatinum Whitey Ford 
Sings the Blues. The songs are steeped 
in raw emotion, a 
rap and South- p 
ern rock—and 1 
they're es seri- 
ous as a heert 
attack. (/sland 
Def Jam) ¥¥¥ 
—Alison Prato 


phoning it in 
[ BACK IN BLACK ] 


When the Pixies disbanded in 
1993, fans dried their tears on their 
flannel shirtsleeves. Now flannel 

is out and all four original Pixies— 
Black Francis (a.k.a. Frank Black), 
Kim Deal, Joey Santiago and David 
Lovering—are in for a reunion tour. 


PLAYBOY: It has been said that without 
the Pixies there would have been no 
Nirvana or Pearl Jam. Do you agree? 
FRANCIS: I'm sure they were inspired by 
us, as 1 have been inspired by them. 
But | think they would have done fine 
without hearing my records. 
PLAYBOY: When did 
you first realize you 
could sing? 

Francis: When | was. 
13 my neighbor 
played "Oh! Dar- 
ling," by Paul 


That was 
my first 
rock-and- 
roll 
singing 
lesson. 
PLAYBOY: 
Did you really find Kim Deal through a 
newspaper ad? 

FRANCIS: She found us. She was 

the only one who responded. And 
Kim knew a drummer, so we killed 
two birds. 

PLAYBOY: You've said, "Since the age of 
13 I've known that corporate rock 
sucks. While the other guys at school 
were listening to Journey, | was listen- 
ing elsewhere.” 

Francis: If you're a music fan, you 
figure out early on that there are popu- 
lar bands that the kids are listening to, 
and then there are all these other 
records. My focus has always been on 
the other records. 

PLAYBOY: In the 
living large? 
FRANCIS: Certainly not. | got invited to a 
Grammy party once. It was boring. 
People assume we were a huge band in 
the States, but we felt like obscure 
underdogs even when we were selling 
out venues. There's so much talk about 
fame, money and popularity. People 
assume that musicians are craving to 
be big and famous, but the people who 
are focused on being famous are proba- 
bly not very good. —АР. 


ies' heyday, were you 


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36 


reviews[ games 


[ SPLINTER CELL: PANDORA TOMORROW ] 


Another chance to tiptoe through the corpses 


Don't bother packing extra ammo for this operation. You need a good hiding spot, not 
a heavy trigger finger, to stay alive playing as Sam Fisher, a National Security Agency 
operative whose specialty is sneaking into high-security strongholds, silently dis- 
mantling defenses and leaving a pile of dead bodies in the basement. In the sequel 


Pandora Tomorrow (Ubisoft, PS2, 
Xbox, GameCube, PC), guards are 
increasingly sensitive to your pres- 
ence. Alarm them and they scurry 
for flak jackets and other equip- 
ment based on the level of threat 
you present. All the more reason 
to stay anonymous by using night- 
vision goggles, lock picks and 
optic cables designed for peeking 
under doors. Assorted small fire- 
arms back you up if you rustle a 
flock of birds or leave a corpse in 
a guard's path. A new online mode 
allows four players to stalk one an- 
other. Take an opponent hostage 
and use your headset to describe 
all the pain you plan to inflict on 
him. yyyy Jonathan Dudlak 


ESPN MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL (ESPN 
Videogames, PS2, Xbox) Just when we 
swore off buying another sports game for 
a few roster tweaks, ESPN adds features 
worthy of the wave. The exclusive first- 
person-perspective mode is an interesting 
gimmick, but the online play is what sep- 
arates this from the minors. Compete 
against friends, watch replays narrated by 
ESPN announc- 
ers, and track the 
stats of any team. 
It's as though this 
game were on 
Steroids or some: 
thing. УУУУ 

John Gaudiosi 


RESIDENT EVIL OUTBREAK (Capcom, 
PS2) Anyone who believes that fear is 
most intense when you're alone hasn't 
been dropped into a group of survivors 
fighting off flesh-eating zombies. As 
one of eight characters, you work to 
escape the city before the government 
blows it to bits. An online mode lets four 
gamers work together. Get infected 
and you join the 
ranks of zombies 
working to de- 
vour your former 
human allies. 
Try them with 
honey mustard! 
yvy —MS. 


| 


BREAKDOWN (Namco, Xbox) Wake up to 
an ambitious adventure game that blends 
gunplay and hand-to-hand combat—all 
seen through the eyes of amnesia patient 
Derrick Cole. Held captive at a mysterious 
medical facility, Cole must break out and 
fight against a military faction that wants 
him dead. Even noncombat activities are 
seen from Cole's view, whether he's eating. 
a cheeseburger 
or ogling his sexy 
sidekick. Brilliant. 
And the closest 
thing to VR with- 
out the annoying 
goggles. ¥¥¥ 
—Marc Saltzman 


SAMURAI WARRIORS (Kosi, PS2) In 
this combat simulator set in 16th century 
Japan, resistance really is feudal. Playing 
as sickle-wielding ninjas or gun-toting 
infantrymen, gaijin gamers storm battle- 
fields and lead armies to victory or anni- 
hilation against hundreds of on-screen 
enemies. The occasionally mindless, 
thumb-numbing play gets a helpful boost 
from a random 
mission genera- 
tor and gory hid- 
den death traps 
that turn ene- 
mies into meat 
skewers. yy 

—Scott Steinberg 


[ ROLE MODEL ] 
Twelve months of enticing elves 


Meet Emma, this month's calendar girl. 
She enjoys poetry, horseback 
and filling the undead with flaming 
arrows. Fans of 
animated bomb- 
shells can catch 
her stalking the 
dank dungeons 
of Faydwer and 
gracing a page in 
Babes of Norrath 
2004, a tongue- 
in-cheek calen- 
dar based on the 
EverQuest game series. It was 
igned to promote Champions of 
Norrath, the latest PlayStation 2 install- 
ment, which promises more than 100 
hours of gameplay for each character— 
perfect for hard-core gamers who 
spend more time with their joysticks 


than with actual females. Michael 
Lustenberger, director of product mar- 


keting for Sony Online Entertain- 
ment, says, "As far as the in- 

terests of 13- to 24-year-old 

males are concerned, 

our experience indi- 


games." Sony's _ 
studies also reveal 
that 27 percent of 
player-created 
characters are f 
female —even 
though wom- 

en make up 

oniy 18 per- 
cent of the a 

tual subscriber 
base—suggesting 
that this month's 
gorgeous model may 
really be Earl from 
Kansas. —S.S. 


HS-311 Media Center (about 
$2, 000) That mess of cords and re- 
motes you call a home theater system is. 
about L be simplified. The DHS-311 
can replace your stereo components and 
your PC. it plays CDs and DVDs, con- 
nects to the web, accesses on-demand 
movies and plays PC games. A built-in 
hard drive enables it to operate as a per- 
sonal video recorder and store music 
and photos accessible from one remote. 


WHERE AND HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 143. 


OWN THE LEGENDARY FILMS THAT INSPIRED 


VAN HELST NG 


OWN THEM ON DVD APRIL 27 


The Monster Legacy DVD Gift Set Also Available. All Monster Legacy Collections: Not Rated 


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VAN HELSING THE LONDON ASSIGNMENT 


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EA 
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— man] / color 


38 


reviews [ books 


Before you surrender to mindless beach 
reads, pump up your brain with this smart, 
poignant sequel to Plainsong, a 1999 
National Book Award finalist. Don't worry if 
you didn't read it; you'll catch on. Set in a 
small Colorado town, Eventide alternates 
the stories of several townies, the most 
interesting of whom are Raymond and 
Harold McPheron, two elderly farmers and 
lifelong bachelors. When a farm animal kills 
one brother, the other faces real loneliness 
for the first time. He sets off to woo women, 
including a social worker who monitors the 
Wallace family—the epitome of trailer trash. 
Luther and Betty Wallace are barely get- 
ting by on food stamps when a drunken 
uncle moves in and starts cracking them 
with his belt. What makes these interwo- 
ven tales compelling is Haruf's nuanced 
dialogue and description, full of detail but 
never condescending. Rural life can be 
slow, so don't expect plot twists at the end 
of every page. Do expect to be moved. 
(Knopf) ¥¥¥ — Patty Lamberti 


[ EVENTIDE *KENT HARUF ] 


Life on the Plains isn't so simple after all 


CAN'T FIND MY WAY HOME 


Martin Torgoff 

Because the past two decades have seen 
such a relentless counterattack on illegal 
narcotics, it's easy to forget how perva- 
sive drug use was back in the Vietnam-era 
"stoned age." Ten years in the making, 
rock biographer Torgoff's social history 
includes interviews with drugculture lumi- 
naries (Allen Ginsberg, Timothy Leary), as. 
well as the stories of celebrities (John 
Belushi, Charlie Parker) and ordinary joes 


who just liked getting high. Torgoff shows 
how drugs influenced the second half of 
the “American century.” Starting with the 
heroin and Benzedrine m 

of the Beats and bebop- С! i 

pers and ending with ki 

crack in Compton and 

ecstasy in the Bay 


Area, this book is filled — 
with addictive insights. 

(Simon & Schuster) HOVE 
¥¥¥ —Leopold Froehlich BEME E 


DOWN HERE * Andrew Vachss 

In this latest installment of the Burke series, 
the renegade private eye is out to avenge 
the wrongful arrest of a sex-crimes prose- 
cutor. Characterization is the author's 
strong suit: Burke's investigation lands him 
among pariahs like himself, all with 
unique deformities that prevent them from 
participating in decent society. Vachss 
paints New York City as fantastically de- 
praved, so it's too bad he slips in several 
9/11 references—it's better to think of the 
over-the-top underworld Burke navigates as 
residing beyond the real 

horrors of our age. Or, > 

as Burke asserts, “crime ШШ 
time runs different than 
citizen time. For perma- 
nent outsiders like us, 
time only matters when 
you're doing it.” (Knopf) 
ELLA —Jessica Riddle 


ADVENTURES OF THE ARTIFICIAL 
WOMAN + Thomas Berger 
Frankenstein's monster provides a peren- 
nial cautionary tale, and here Pulitzer- 
nominated novelist Berger hooks up the 
electrodes and jolts the fable back to life. 
Berger's socially inept protagonist, Ellery, 
creates a perfect woman: animatronic, 
gorgeous end eager to fulfill whims from 
kitchen to bedroom. But soon "Phyllis" 
leaves him, gets a job in a strip club, 
heads for Hollywood and sets her sights 
on the White House. Her bloodless obser- 
vations of human behav- 
ior are scathing et times, 
but overall the breezily 
told story isn't quite 
able to escape the left- 
over parts from which 
its been stitched togeth- 
er. (Simon & Schuster) 
БЫ —Alison Prato 


X-RATED 
Tony Nourmand and Graham Marsh 

Adult movies from the Age of Aquarius 
were more about the chicka-bwamp- 
chicka-bwamp score than about hard-core 
sex—but that didn't stop their posters 
from hinting at nasty action inside the 
smut-theater doors. This collection of skin- 
flick posters from 
the 1960s and 1970s 
reflects a charming 
fixation on horny 
housewives and sub- 
urban orgies. All in 
all, they're groovier 
than Austin Powers's 
most shagadelic 
fantasies. (Snoeck) 
¥¥¥ — —Gordon Bass 


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IV 


layboy 


WEEKEND AT PORNIE'S 
"The Adult Video Neus Awards have been 
nicknamed the Oscars of Porn, but onc 
thing's for sure: Billy Crystal won't be 
hosting them any time soon. In case you 
missed this year's 21st annual Sin City 
extravaganza—which was emceed by 
porn luminary Jenna Jameson and hon- 
ored such categories as Best Group Sex 
Scene and Best Oral-Fhemed Feature— 
the entire ceremony will be broadcast 
this month on Playboy TV. Actually, so 
much hedonism is on parade during 
AVN weekend that we need three shows 
to cover (and uncover) it all: The 2004 
AVN Awards; Backstage Pass, a behind- 
the-scenes report from Juli Ashton and 
Aurora Snow; and Fresh Faces, a look at 
promising new starlets found at the 
Adult Entertainment Expo. And if that's 
still not enough to satisfy your adult- 
video jones, we've broken down the 


weekend's highlights. 


It's Not Easy Recognizing 
Clothed Porn Stars 

If you've seen your favorite adult star 
fully dressed, it probably wasn't for 
long. Some actresses, such as Bettie Page 
doppelgänger Rachel Rotten, are easy to 
spot in Las Vegas. Thankfully, we had 
host Juli Ashton on hand to help ID 
some others. We nearly busted a gut 
when she pulled back Alexandra Silk's 
purple dress to reveal that it was, in fact, 
Alexandra Silk and she was not, in fact, 
wearing any silk (or other material, for 
that matter) underpants. 


A-listers Love the AVNs 
At the Adult Entertainment Expo, the 
situation was dicey for Mike Tyson, who 
had a swarm of fans glued to him as he 
fought his way through the hall. (No ear 
biting was reported.) 50 Cent, who was 
there to promote his "XXX-rated interac- 
tive adventure” Groupie Luv, was most in 
need of a disguise—he was marooned 
in his promotional booth. We love his ef- 


40 forts, but we have one question for the 


Scenes from the AVNs. Above, from left: Aurora Snow grilling Vince Neil and Lia 
Gerardini; Doisy; Ployboy TV's Jessico Mestler and Mike Tyson; Cormen Luvano. 
Below, clockwise from top left: Awards host Jenno Jameson; Ron Jeremy and Krystal 
Steal; Sunrise Adams; Lil Jon and the Ying Yang Twins; Rachel Rotten; Redman raps. 


P1.M.P: Isn't all porn interactive? 


It's Not Bi Surgery. 
Or Even Tic-Tac-Toe 

One of the weckend's most endearing 
moments? When Juli Ashton asked Best 
Supporting Film Actress nomince Julie 
Meadows what movie she was nomi- 
nated for and Meadows responded with 
a blank stare. "I did know, but then I got 
drunk," Mcadows says. 


No Kleenex Required 
At the Oscars it's standard issue to sob 
uncontrollably during your acceptance 


speech. At the AVNs—where most pod- 
ium banter is along the lines of “I like to 
give blow jobs. Thanks!"—blubbering is 
frowned upon. When asked if she cries 
when she wins, Snow says, “You got an 
award for sex—that's no reason to cry!" 


And the Nominees Are... 
Lastly, we feel obligated to share the 
year's best porn titles (there's no award 
for this, but there should be): Blow Me 
Sandwich 2, Me Sucky Fucky and Fast 
Times at Deep Crack High. Oddly 
enough, Sean Penn is not featured in 
any of the aforementioned. 


NUBILE NEWS 


Why has Fox News Channel been chal- 
lenging CNN in the cable news ratings 
competition of late? We think it may 
have more to do with Fox's stable of. 
beautiful reporters than its "fair and bal- 
anced" reporting. The days of broadcast 
journalists who look like your dad's 
lodge buddies are gone: When it comes 
to newscasters, lip gloss and push-up 
bras are garnering more attention than 
buttoned-up suits and bad rugs. 

Despite criticism from old-school news 
vets who find the telebabes lightweight, 
hard news just might be easier to digest 
when an attractive woman delivers it. (If 
those alleged weapons of mass destruc- 
tion are ever found, would you rather 
hear about it from a gorgeous redhead 
or Tim Russert?) Now Playboy.com is 
asking which of the talking heads you 
deem the sexiest. We've narrowed it 
down to 10 women, including ABC's 
abeth Vargas, CNN's Paula Zahn and 
Fox News Channel's Laurie Dhue, who 
told TV Guide, "Television is a visual 
medium. If yov're flipping channels, 
you're going to stop if there's an attrac- 
tive person. My bottom line is getting the 
news out. If I can look good at the same 
time, great. It's a win-win.” 

Rounding out the poll are CBS 
News Washington correspondent Sharyl 


-layboy.com. 


This just in: Playboy.com is looking 
for America’s hottest newscaster. 
From left: MTV News correspondent 
SuChin Pak; ABC's Emmy-winning 
anchor Elizobeth Vorgos, who dated 
Michael Douglas before getting 
hitched to singer Morc “Walking in 
Memphis” Cohn; ond CNN's Emmy- 
winning anchor Poula Zohn. Cost 
your vote at Playboy.com. 


Attkisson, CNN Headline News's Rudi 
Bakhtiar, Headline News anchor Robin 
Meade, MI'V News reporter SuChin 
Pak, ABC News White House correspon- 
dent Kate Snow, MSNBC's Alison Stew- 
art and Headline News's Linda Stouffer. 

Playboy.com's Sexiest polls are famous 
for generating buzz. The recent For Bod 
and Country poll, in which we named 
Shania Twain country music's hottest 
singer, was watercooler chatter from 


LICIA BURLEY. Fovorite 

: “Off-rooding. | like doing 

it on three-wheelers, too.” In 
high school: "I wos heavier. 1 lost 
30 pounds, and that's when I 
decided to do PlAYBO.” Nicknome: 
“Gleek. He was the cartoon 
monkey on Super Friends." Road 
Runner or Wile E. Coyote? "i'm 


on the coyote's side. Just once he 
needs to nail thot bird.” If | were 


o guy: "I'd wont to do Adriona 
Sklenarikova, the Victorio's Secret 
model with those greot blue 
eyes. Or Gisele. Actuolly, any of 
them.” One thing you should 
know: “I've got two pit bulls. But 
don't worry—they're very nice.” 


Nashville to Hollywood. And in 2000 
Sports Illustrated named our America's 
Sexiest Sportscaster contest “the season's 
second most discussed poll,” after the 
Bush-Gore tie. Last year our search for 
America's Sexiest Meteorologist drew 
more than 650,000 votes. 

As with previous contests, our Sexiest 
Newscaster poll is certain to create static. 
Our take? The bedrock of unbiased 


journalism is calling a babe a babe. 
Г M. 


41 


can cause more sun 
than two weeks in Cancun. 


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hey... 1078 personal 


Along Came 
a Spyder 


Fifty years aga Parsche's tiny 
550 Spyder made iis bones 
by authandling bigger Fer- 
raris and Maseratis an its 
way ta winning tough circuits 
such as the 24 Haurs of Le 
Mans ond Mexico's La Car- 
rera Panamericana. In 1955 film ican James Deon was driving his ta a 
race in Salinas, Colifarnia when he had a fotal crash. Since then 
Porsche has became something af on ican itself. A vintage 550 will set 
you back upward of $750,000, but you don't have to sell the house to 
get a legendary ride. The 2004 James Dean Special Edition 
Boxster S is an hamage ta the rebel without a cause 
and his "Little Bastard” (above left). The 264- 
harsepawer, 3.2-liter flat-six engine will 
rip you ta 62 mph in 5.7 secands, ond 
you can hit 165 mph if 
a. you've gat the 
( . cajones. You'll 
5:2] have to scrom- 
Š 5 ble ta get an 
this Dean's 
list, thaugh: 
Porsche is 
building 
only 1,953 
and pricing 
them under 
$60,000. 


OW TO ИКАР YOUR manos LIKE A The Matrix Remixed 


Don't let your elitist record-spinning friends faol you. Being a DJ is just os 
easy os it lacks. Get yourself twa turntables, o fader, a pair af headphones 
and o record collection, and you're just as capoble as the next guy of mes- 
merizing a steamy British nightclub. Mare challenging perhaps is Pioneer's 
DVJ-X1 (53,500), a DVD-bosed system designed to scratch, reverse ond 
loop foatage so yau can blow away crawds with video craziness 
that goes clang with 
the music. The unit's 
SD-memary-card slot 
lets you save cue 
points for access dur- 
ing your set, and in the 
near future you should 
be able ta link two 
DVJs and visually funk 
things up fram two 
different sources. Ga 
ahead ond burn a 
DVD af yaur fovarite 
music videas (ar set 
your ariginal faatage 
la music), unleash it 
ап a club crawd 
already numb with 
sensory overload, and 
let the seizures begin. 


Smoke on 
the Water 


On the right you 
can see Austrolion 
wakeboorder 
Daniel Watkins— 
ranked third on the 
U.S. Pro Tour os af 
press time—getting 
very high. On the 
left is the Player 
(5320, abrien.com), 
his new 2004 
O'Brien signature 
boord. (The nome 
is opt, considering 
that Watkins had 
"the time of my 
life" portying at the 
Playboy Mansion 
after last year's X- 
Games.) The board's cupped rails allow 
you to hold an edge so extreme you 

con practically lick the surface os you 
cross a woke. And the air? “I designed it 
to have incredible pop," Watkins says 
Fellow Australian Toby Knox created 

the graphics, so if you don't live near the 
water you can always hong the Player on 
your wall as o piece of ort. 


Instant Auteur 


Most digital cameras promise to let you shoot video, but they 
produce grainy, postage-stamp-size files that suck sa bad you 
can't tell your hamemade porn from Junior's soccer game. А 
new breed of digital comera is fixing that problem, hawever, 
offering full-frame, full-matian video recording right from your 
regular snapper. Our fovarile thus far is Panosonic's D-Snop 
SV-AV50 ($400), with its slim, sleek design and two-inch LCD 
screen (which, along with the lens, folds flush into the camera 
when nat in use). While it takes stills of only two megapixels 
(good enough for most 
uses but not top-of-the- 
line), the real story is 
the 30-frames-per-sec- 
and video that's good 
enough to show on 
your TV without get- 
ting jeggy. Video and 
stills ore recorded anto 
an SD memory cord (a 
one-gigobyte card gets 
you approximately nine 
haurs of video) that 
you can reuse once 
you dump your 
Footage into your 
computer. We can't 
tell which is sexier, 
this camera or its 
subject matter. 


clothesline: . 
Freddy Rodriguez 


Six Feet Under's star morti- 
cion is something of a pack 
rat. “My big thing is keeping 
a clothing item from every 
acting project. | Кер! a few 
1940s- and 1950s-style vin- 
tage shirts from the first sea- 
son of Six Feet Under. 1 hove 
this 1970s blue palyester 
shirt from the film Dead 
Presidents and glasses from 
A Wolk in the Clouds. My 
wife is like, ‘Get this crap 
out.’ But they hold o lot of 
memories for me. | have a 
brown three-quarter-length 
Armani jacket that looks like 
the coat Al Pacino wore in Carlita’s Way. VII wear that with 
chocolote-brown Prada boots, black pants and a salid-colar 
button-down cotton-silk Donna Koran shirt. If I'm dressing 
dawn, I have a great jean jacket | wear with yellow Timber- 
lond boots or my mustard-and-white Nike saccer-style 
sneckers. With those I'll wear semibaggy jeans and o long- 
sleeve shirt.” Look out for TV's best-dressed embolmer when 
Six Feet Under returns far its fourth season next month. 


The Perfect Time... 


* To be on high alert 

against weight gain: On the 
weekend. The average 19- 

to 50-year-old American \ 
consumes 115 more calories 

per day Friday through Sun- 

day than on other days of the 

week. That can add up to 

almost five pounds of flab a 

year. Balance it out with a 

daily 15-minute screw, which 

can burn up to 100 calories. 

° To rent a car: Thursday 
afternoon, when rates drop as 
much as 50 percent for the 
weekend. And remember, car 
agencies, like airlines, overbook. 
Reserve a compact (typically the 
first models snapped up); if none 
are available, the agency should 
give you a free upgrade. * Ta trace 
an anonymous caller ar hang-up: 
Immediately after hanging up. 
You've heard af *69. But did you 
know that if you dial *57 right after 
а hang-up, the phone company will 
initiate a trace? Depending on your 
phone company, you may have to 
sign up for this service, but it will cost 
you only when you use it. 


WHERE AND HOW TD BUY ON PAGE 143. 


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Whe Playboy Advisor 


A while back you ran a letter from a 
woman who asked why guys save all 
their PLAYBOYs. Here's one reason: my 
nephew's letters from boot camp. He de- 
scribes the lonely and difficult umes and 
asks for food and girlie magazines. I 
have never parted with a PLAYBOY, but I 
would be happy to help out a few anony- 
mous servicemen by shipping some of 
my issues to Iraq or wherever they are 
needed. Can you tell me how to get this 
done?—].Y., Madison, Wisconsin 

As much as the troops would love your is- 
sues, the Pentagon is begging off. It used to 
deliver care packages addressed to “any ser- 
vice member” but suspended that practice 
after the October 2001 anthrax scare and 
because delivering a large number of pack- 
ages to battle zones is a logistical headache. 
Some websites list the addresses of service- 
men who say they will distribute packages to 
colleagues, but the Pentagon discourages this 
as well because of “force-protection issues” 
(ie. it’s better to keep the names and loca- 
tions of units secret). П instead suggests 
doing any or all of the following: Donate 
$25 and a personal message to the USO 
(usometrodc.org/care.html or 866-USO-GIVE), 
which distributes any-service-member pack- 
ages; buy phone cards through the VFW 
(operationuplink.org or 800-479-5228) 
that troops can use to call home; purchase 
gifi certificates (aafes.com or 877-770- 
4438) that can be used at military exchanges 
or online. The PLAYBOYS will be waiting 
when the troops get home. 


My husband and I recently found that I 
have an orgasm when he scratches a cer- 
tain spot on my lower back. Is this nor- 
mal?— ]. R., Prince George, Virginia 
It's unusual but not unheard of. Beverly 
Whipple, who for years studied the nature of 
orgasms at her physiology lab at Rutgers Uni- 
ity, documented women climaxing from 
clitoral, G-spot, cervical and breast stimula- 
tion—as well as those who could lie still and 
fantasize to climax. She has also heard 
anecdotal reports of women who came while 
having just about every part of their bodies 
massaged, including the neck and the big toe. 
This is less surprising in light of research by 
Whipple and others that shows some nerves 
take a direct path from the genitals to the 
brain while bypassing the spinal cord. Your 
gifi brings new meaning to the saying “You 
scratch my back and ГЇЇ scratch yours.” 


In response to the reader who wrote in 
January because he got aroused while 
wearing his girlfriend's panties at her re- 
quest: 1 am totally turned on when my 
boyfriend does this for me. My favorite 
move is to go into the bathroom at the 
office (we work together) and remove my 
thong panties. I then slip them into his 
pocket when he's on the phone or stand- 


ing at the copier. Minutes later he'll walk 
by my desk with a big smile, and ГЇЇ 
know he's wearing them. Sharing this 
intimate secret drives me wild. By the 
end of the day 1 can hardly wait to fuck 
him. I also love doing this at restaurants, 
theaters and family dinners. In my opin- 
ion any girl who isn't open to this kind of 
foreplay isn't worth dating.—L.B., San 
Diego. California 

Sounds like fun. Next time leave anal 
beads in his pocket and see what happens. 


When a job application asks if I've ever 
been convicted of a crime, I check no. 
But the truth is that when I was 18 I got 
arrested for shoplifting $7 worth of stuff. 
Two years later I was charged with disor- 
derly conduct (my buddies and I got 
drunk and yelled at the cops). These 
things happened 16 and 18 years ago, 
and I chalk them up to being a dumb, 
rowdy college kid in West Virginia. 1 
paid the fines and cleaned up my act. 1 
now have a great career. I hate being un- 
truthful, but I think answering yes on an 
application would count against me. Will 
a background check bring my transgres- 
sions to light? Is there a way to clean up 
my record?—W.K., Cleveland, Ohio 
Our instinct would also be to check no, but 
the human resources people we asked all said 
that's a bad move. A few suggested that you 
qualify your response on applications by 
writing “college pranks.” The risk in answer- 
ing no is that if a background check does 
uncover the crimes, a potential employer may 
wonder what other secrets you keep. It's 
unlikely that 20-year-old indiscretions will 
be a factor, especially if you've had a clean 
record and an impressive work history since. 
But don't spend any more time worrying 


ILLUSTRATION BY ISTVANBANYA\ 


about this without doing an investigation of 
your own. Contact the state police to request a 
copy of your criminal record. With any luck 
the incidents fell through the cracks. If not, 
you can petition a judge in the county where 
you were charged lo have the infractions 
expunged. 105 been done many times before. 


When asked in January about proven 
methods of breast enlargement, the Ad- 
visor mentioned implants, weight gain 
and pregnancy. You overlooked a study 
published last year in which 19 of 44 


women who'd had liposuction experi- 


_enced breast enlargement afterward. 


The more fat removed, the more likely it 
was that their breasts grew. The reason is 
not clear. Responding to the reader who 
asked whether an ice cube containing his 
semen could impregnate his girl- 
friend, you noted that sperm banks 
freeze semen with liquid nitrogen. What 
you didn't say is that the banks also add 
a solution to prevent ice crystals from 
forming inside the spermatozoa —Dr. 
Marc Pomerantz, Hinsdale, Illinois 
Thanks, Doc. You sound well-read. 


In February you shared my recipe for 
margarita gelatin shots. But you made 
an error. It doesn't call for four cups of 
gelatin, as you wrote, but a large box of 
gelatin, which makes four cups.—Chaz 
Boston Baden, Anaheim, California 
Sorry about that. You know you're having 


a bad day when you fuck up a Jell-O recipe. 


Has there ever been a successful penis 
transplant?—C.D., Seattle, Washington 
Are you in search of one or looking to do- 
nate? What might have been the world’s first 
transplant took place last year at the Nil 
Ratan Sircar Medical College Hospital in 
Calcutta, India. Doctors transplanted the 
penis of a one-year-old who had been born 
with two to a seven-month-old born without 
one. As John Wayne Bobbitt can attest, it’s 
more common to have your own penis re- 
attached. We'll keep this brief, but here are 
two cases of note: (1) German doctors twice 
reattached the penis of a psychiatric patient 
who cut it off in incidents 10 years apart; (2) 
in Milwaukee in 1992 a man who lost his 
organ in a laum mower accident had it sewn 
beneath the skin of his forearm (with the head 
protruding) for a month to keep it alive while 
his perineum healed. The surgeons who per- 
formed this amazing operation concluded 
that “in penile amputation, replantation 
remains the treatment of choice." God forbid. 


My best friend is a woman. About a 
year ago I began to have feelings for her. 
We talked about it once but never again. 
The problem is that she's in an abusive 
relationship. I hate to see her getting 
hurt, so I confronted the guy and chewed 


47 


PLAYBOY 


him out—and got punched in the face 
by his buddy. Now my friend won't 
speak to me. She thinks I confronted 
her boyfriend for my benefit, not hers. 
What should I do?—S.T_, Virginia 
Beach, Virginia 

If we're talking physical abuse, you need to 
enlist others, including her family and 
friends, to convince her that it’s okay to 
move on. She may not see а way out. Don't 
waste any time on the boyfriend—he doesn't 
care what you think. And don't bring up your 
deeper feelings until she’s safe and clear; she 
doesn't need that trip right now. (Honestly, 
she’s probably not interested.) If this is just a 
case of your thinking her boyfriend is an ass- 
hole, mind your own busin 


My set of cooking knives includes a met- 
al rod with a wooden handle. I assume 
this is to sharpen the blades, but I have 
no idea how to use it. How do you hold 
it?—K.L., Atlanta, Georgia 

The steel isn't designed to sharpen a dull 
blade; instead it maintains the edge of an al- 
ready sharp knife. A chef or butcher will use 
the steel every few minutes; for cooking at 
home, it’s sufficient to steel after each use. 
Many people simply flail the steel and edge 
together, but craftsman Keith De'Grau, who 
runs HandAmerican.com, a site devoted to 
cutting tools, says control is the key. "My 
preference is to hold the steel vertically and 
then tip it 10 to 20 degrees one way or the 
other, depending on the angle of the edge,” 
he says. “Run the blade straight down the 
steel, from bolster to tip, drawing it toward 
you. Repeat for each side.” (His site has pho- 
los.) Regardless of your technique, most 
steels are heavily grooved, which means that 
each lime you run an expensive knife over 
them, the blade is serrated. This creates the 
illusion of sharpness but damages the knife. 
De'Grau suggests running 400-grit silicone- 
carbide paper over your steel for five minutes 
to make it less aggressive. If you aren't com- 
fortable using a whetstone to sharpen your 
trusted knives, have a professional do it for 
you every 12 to 18 months. 


How can you tell if you're a sex addict? I 
think about sex constantly. I download 
porn. I have a large collection of adult 
videos. I masturbate an average of three 
times a day. The littlest thing about a 
woman turns me on. I get agitated if I 
don't get sex. 1 can't always tell if I love 
someone or if 1 just want the sex. Гус 
had women say that I'm a different man 
after sex. Beforehand I'm crabby, after- 
ward I'm happy and glowing and ready 
to party. I have to have sex before I go 
out! It's always sex, sex, sex.—B.L,, 
St. Louis, Missouri 

Welcome to the club. The behavior you de- 
scribe doesn't make you an addict. It makes 
you а guy. The idea of sexual addiction has 
become a cottage industry—its roots lie in 
the idea that yielding too often to masturba- 
tion, pornography, homosexuality and other 
“sins” will make you mentally ill. It was 


48 popularized by a 1989 book called Contrary 


to Love, which includes a ridiculous “screen- 
ing test” with such questions as: Have you 
ever subscribed to sexually explicit maga- 
zines such as PLAYBOY? (Yes.) Do you often 
find yourself preoccupied with sexual 
thoughts? (Yes.) Do you feel that your sexual 
behavior is not normal? (Yes.) Are any of 
your sexual activities against the law? (Yes, 
in many states, until recently.) Have you 
ever felt degraded by your sexual behavior? 
Oes.) Has sex been a way for you to escape 
your problems? (Yes.) When you have sex, do 
you feel depressed aflerward? (Yes.) Do you 
feel controlled by your desire? (Yes.) Sign us 
up! We're not dismissing the idea that sex 
can be a destructive force, but as one of our 
favorite vixens, Annie Sprinkle, has written, 
“compulsion,” “problem” and “challenge” 
may be better words than “addiction” to de- 
scribe the situation. IVs sex, not heroin. 


| have a friend who doesn't tip on the 
alcohol portion of a restaurant bill, so 
we always leave a tip that I feel is too 
small. Please advise —B.T., New York, 
New York 

Friends don't let friends stiff people who 
handle their food. When you're out with Mr. 
Cheap, you'll have to throw in a little extra 
lo get the tip to where it needs to be. 


Ive seen sites on which guys post nude 
photos of their ex-wives. Is that legal? 
What are the repercussions if the exes 
find out?—R.S., Randolph, New Jersey 
These sites are designed to make you believe 
that the “ex-wife” in question is being humil- 
iated, which is a turn-on for some guys. In 
reality, she's typically a model. We're sure a 
Jew former husbands have posted nudes of 
their exes without permission, but after the 
lawyers get involved we're guessing they won't 
do it again—especially men with children. 


My husband works long hours, so we 
often go weeks without having sex. Re- 
cently a co-worker hit on me. With trep- 
idation I gave in, expecting to feel guilty. 
Instead I felt rejuvenated. My lover and 
I now have sex every week. When he's 
home, my husband remarks on how 
much easier I am to get along with. He 
also says I look healthier and asks if. 
I've been exercising. I would like to 
share the reason for my improvement. 
with him. I think he would approve once 
he realizes it has led to a vast improve- 
mentin our relationship. I don't want to 
give up the benefits of the sex, but if Tm 
wrong, I also don’t want to risk hurting 
my marriage. How should I handle 
this?—B.R., Raleigh, North Carolina 

Talk to your husband about the affair, but 
only after you've ended it. Thal way, if he 
doesn't mind, you can work something ont. 
But if he’s hurt or angry—which is the more 
likely reaction—at least you can tell him it's 
over and start working on the issues that 
brought it about. 


Regarding the reader who wrote because 
his girlfriend got diarrhea whenever she 


swallowed his come: You said it might be 
the sorbitol in semen that causes this. It's 
more likely the result of ingesting prosta- 
glandins, which are known to cause con- 
tractions of smooth muscles such as the 
intestine and uterus, leading to side 
effects including nausea, diarrhea and 
menstrual cramps.—J.R., Dallas, Texas 
We asked Rodney Kelly, a professor with 
the MRC Human Reproductive Sciences 
Unit at the University of Edinburgh in Scot- 
land and an expert on prostaglandins, for his 
take. He wrote, “It’s entirely plausible. 
Diarrhea is a frequent side effect when 
prostaglandins are given orally to pregnant 
women to induce labor, and semen contains 
10 million times the amount found in blood. 
One hypothesis is that it protects sperm on its 
journey to the свеће high levels in semen 
may be essential to the survival of the species.” 
So if your lover gets sick after blowing you, re- 
mind her that it’s for the good of all mankind. 


Can you tell me the proper way to tie 

an ascot?—M.L., Burlington, Vermont 
Why, do you have a goiter? We can’t think 

of any other reason for a guy to wear one. 


It you hire an escort whom you don't 
find attractive, and you send her away 
without doing anything but saying hello, 
do you still have to pay her?—].H., 
West Liberty, West Virginia 

We've heard of customers offering a third 
of the fee, gas money or nothing. But that 
was in the days before the Internet. Today 
many services post photos of their contrac- 
tors online, which makes it difficult to claim 
you didn't know what to expect. If the escort 
is not as described or doesn't resemble her 
photo, stop her at the door before she has a 
chance lo get comfortable, 


Your January column was filled with my 
kind of people—the student who loves 
to masturbate with the vibrator she got 
from her mom, the guy who shayes his 
body hair, the woman who leaves lip- 
stick marks on her husband's cock, the 
guy whose girlfriend made him wear 
panties, the woman whose mouth pops 
open like a baby bird when her boy- 
friend walks by naked. The letters reas- 
sured me that I'm not alone in my own 
unique fantasies and “perversions.” Can 
you put me in touch with these peo- 
ple?—D.G., Houston, Texas 

You know better than that. Besides, there’s 
no more room in the hot tub. 


All reasonable questions—from fashion, food 
and drink, stereo and sports cars to dating 
dilemmas, taste and etiquette —will be per- 
sonally answered if the writer includes a 
self-addressed, stamped envelope. The most 
inleresting, pertinent questions will be pre- 
sented on these pages each month. Write the 
Playboy Advisor, 730 Fifth Avenue, New 
York, New York 10019, or send e-mail by vis- 
iting our website at playboyadvisor.com. 


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50 


THE PLAYBOY FORUM 
GURU OF WISE USE 


THE SPIRITUAL FATHER OF THE BUSH ADMINISTRATION'S ENVIRONMENTAL 
POLICIES SAYS WE SHOULDN'T BE TIMID ABOUT TIMBER 


ooking for a good 
fight? You don't need 
to travel far: The bat- 
tles between environmentalists 
and the Bush administration 
have reached a fever pitch. 
The roots of the Republican 
policies can be found in Ron 
Arnold’s 1989 book, The 
Wise Use Agenda, based on a 
landmark conference he con- 
ducted of pero) owners, 
snowmobilers, loggers and 
developers. Arnold, 66, a 
defector from the Sierra Club, 
is now executive vice president 
of the Center for the Defense 
of Free Enterprise. Dean 
Kuipers spoke with Arnold on 
the status of his agenda. 
PLAYBOY: What was the 
original idea behind the term uise use? 
ARNOLD: To renew the conservation movement of Presi- 
dent Teddy Roosevelt and his sidekick, Forest Service 
chief Gifford Pinchot. Pinchot once said that conservation 
is the wise use of resources. It's an attempt to revitalize the 
conservation movement against the "don't use it at all" 
thinking that has evolved in environmentalism. 
PLAYBOY: What prompted the backlash? 
ARNOLD: By the mid-1980s the environmental movement 
had been taken over by professional managers and litiga- 
tors. The notion of environmentalism was all-encompass- 
ing. They're not out to protect nature so much as they are 
out to stop any corporation from doing anything they 
think would hurt nature. Being human became a guilt 
trip. Paul Ehrlich called humans a cancer on the earth. 
PLAYBOY: How did you get involved? 
ARNOLD: I began to realize that environmentalism was really 
about economic power. Its leaders wanted to allocate re- 
sources for the entire planet. Industry didn't realize this 
wasn'ta public-relations issue. They still believed, stupidly, 
that if you put out your message right, everybody would 
believe you. So 1 wrote to 20 or 30 groups and said, “If 
you've been hurt by environmental groups suing 
you or fighting your land permits, let's talk." 
PLAYBOY: You met in 1988 in Reno and created a 
list of demands. Give us a few examples. 
ARNOLD: Number one was educate the public 
about the use of natural resources. Immediately 
develop petroleum resources in the Arctic 
National Wildlife Refuge. Cut down remaining 
old-growth forests on public lands and replace 
with new trees. Cut down 30,000 acres of the Ton- 
gass National Forest each year to promote eco- 
nomic forestry practices. Open all public lands, 
including national parks, to mining and oil 
drilling. Construct roads into all wilderness areas 


for motorized-wheel- 
chair use. Stop protect- 
ing endangered species, 
such as the California 
condor, that were in 
decline before man ar- 
rived, Force anyone who 
loses litigation against a 
development to pay for 
the increase in costs for 
completing the project, 
plus damages. But the 
idea of wise use has be- 
come embedded. It's no 
longer a list like that. 
PLAYBOY: Wise use has 
major appeal with 
snowmobilers. 
ARNOLD: Yes, and with 
people who use RVs, off- 
road vehicles, dirt bikes. 
They get involved because trails have been restricted to hik- 
ers. We'd like money to be spent on trails for motorized use. 
PLAYBOY: Who is most likely to share your viewpoint? 
ARNOLD: Wise-use types are those who provide food, cloth- 
ing, shelter, goods, transport and manufacturing. Environ- 
mental ideology ignores the fact that humans must get 
these from the environment. Environmentalism is an urban 
movement; the only people hurt by it are rural Americans. 
Most wise-use types live in the rural middle landscape be- 
tween wilderness and urban development. If you support 
unreasonable restrictions in the belief you're saving nature 
from bad guys, you'll starve. We're sitting on probably the 
biggest pool of oil and gas in the world that’s usable and 
easy to get, yet we're in thrall to the Mideast. Whar's better, 
drilling holes here, maybe dirtying some places and hoping 
we can clean them up, or fighting a bunch of wars? Do you 
think Iraq was the final war? I don't think so. 
PLAYBOY: People don't trust industry to figure out how 
many trees to cut down and not ruin things. 
ARNOLD: No, I don't think they do. It's not a matter of trust. 
Stumps don't lie, as environmentalists say. There is a crim- 
inal section of the environmental movement, and it's prob- 
ably getting money from the aboveground sector. 
Some of the environmental movement is simply 
anticorporate; some of it is more ideologi 
vironmentalists tend to be catastrophists, seeing 
any human use of the earth as damage. A popular 
motto is “We all live downstream"—the view of a 
hapless victim. Wise users tend to be cornucopians, 
seeing themselves as stewarding and nurturing 
the earth. A wise-use motto is “We all live up- 
stream" —the viewpoint of responsible individuals. 
Environmentalism promotes guilt, which degen- 
erates into pessimism, self-loathing and depres 
sion. Wise use promotes feelings of competence, 
generating curiosity, learning and optimism. 


PLAYBOY: President Bush hasn't been 
unfriendly to your agenda. His Interi- 
or secretary, Gale Norton, came from 
the Mountain States Legal Founda- 
tion, which is former Interior secre- 
tary James Watt's outfit. 

ARNOLD; We have dozens of wise-use 
people in the Bush administration. 
But some of them won't return my 
phone calls now. We haven't spoken to 
Karl Roye since Bush won. 

PLAYBOY: What about the greens? 
ARNOLD: The establishment interven- 
tionists—the Nature Conservancy, Na- 
tional Wildlife Federation, National 
Audubon Society—work to hamper 
property rights. They emphasize the 
need for natural diversity and in some 
cases to own and manage wildlife pre- 
serves. The ecosocialists Greenpeace, 
Native Forest Council, Maine Audubon 
Society—want to dislodge the market 
system with public ownership of re- 
sources run by environmentalists in 
an ecological welfare state. The deep 
ecologists—Earth First, Native Forest 
Network—want to reduce industrial 
civilization and human population. 
Eco-ideologists fetishize nature to 
where we can't permit ourselves errors 
with the environment. It’s easy to 
throw rocks at industry, because 
everybody can think of a corporate 
abuse. But there are also problems 
with ecoterrorism, both in giving too 
much and not enough power to law 
enforcement, Under the Patriot Act 
the FBI can't kecp a database of pco- 
ple suspected of being subversive or 


"e 


Snowmobiling in Yellowstone: Is it wise? 


working with enviro-terrorists unless 
they've been convicted. Some non- 
profits have assembled databases on 
ecoterror. The mink farmers have 
done it. We want to be able to ma 
this information accessible to police. 
PLAYBOY: Have environmentalists fired 
up your grass roots? 

ARNOLD: Our grass roots include fur 
farmers and construction types. Con- 
struction guys deal in barroom poli- 
tics—it’s usually just chitchat. But 
when somebody burns down your $50 
million apartment complex two weeks 
before it's supposed to open, it's not 
chitchat anymore. 


FORUM 


THE PERILS OF 
FOOLISH USE 


RUGGED INDIVIDUALISM DOESN'T ALWAYS WORK 


By Wendell Berry 


he career of rugged individual- | 

ism in America has run mostly to | 

absurdity, tragic or comic. But it. | 
has also done a certain amount of good. 
"There was a strcak of it in Thorcau, | 
who went to jail to protest the Mexican 
War. And that streak has continued in 
his successors, who have suffered 
penalties for civil disobedience because 
of their perception that law and gov- 
ernment were not always or necessarily 
right. This is individualism of a kind 
rugged enough, and it has typically 
been authenticated by its identification 
with a communal good. 

The tragic version of rugged individ- 
ualism is in the presumptive right of 
individuals to do as they please, as if 
there were no God, no legitimate gov- 
ernment, no community, no neighbors 
and no posterity. This is most frequently. 
understood as the right to do whatever 
one pleases with one's property. One's 
property, according to this definition, 
is one's own absolutely. 

Rugged individualism of this kind 
has cost us dearly in lost topsoil, in 
destroyed forests, in the increasing tox- 
icity of the world and in annihilated 
species. When property rights become 
absolute, they are invariably destruc- 
tive, for then thcy arc used to justify 
not only the abuse of things of perma- 
nent value for the temporary benefit of 


legal owners but also the appropriation 
and abuse of things to which the 
would-be owners have no rights at all 
but that can belong only to the public 
or to the entire community of living 
creatures: the atmosphere, the water 
cyde, the wilderness, ecosystems, the 
possibility of survival. 

This is made worse when great cor- 
porations are granted the status of 
“persons” who then can also become 
rugged individuals, insisting on their 
right to do whatever they please with 
their property. It becomes worse 
when, because of the overwhelming 
wealth and influence of these “per- 
sons,” the elected representatives and 
defenders of the American people be- 
come instead the representatives and 
defenders of the corporations. 

It has become more clear that this 
idualism has never pro- 
plied any protection to the 
rights of individuals but instead has 
promoted a scramble in which more 
and more of the rights of the people 
have been gathered into the ownership 
of fewer and fewer of the greediest and 
most powerful “persons.” 

1 have described so far what most of 
us would identify as the rugged indi- 
vidualism of the right. Now lct us have 
a look at the left. The rugged indi- 


vidualism of the left belicves that an 


individual's body is a property belonging 
to that individual absolutely: The owners 
of bodies may, by right, use them as they 
please, as if there were no God, no legiti- 
mate government, no community, no 
neighbors and no posterity. This sup- 
posed right is manifested in the democra- 
tizing of sexual liberation; in the popular 
assumption that marriage has been "pri- 
vatized" and so made subordinate to the 
wishes of individuals; in the 
proposition that the indi 
ual is autonomous; in the le- 
gitimation of abortion as birth 
control—in the denial that the 
community, the family, one’s 
spouse or even one’s own soul 
might exercise a legitimate 
proprietary interest in the use 
опе makes of one's body. And 
this too is tragic, for it sets us 
free from responsibility and 
thus from the possibility of 
meaning. It makes unintelligible the self- 
sacrifice that sent Thoreau to jail. 

The comedy begins when these two 
rugged (or autonomous) individualisms 
confront each other. Conservative individ- 
ualism strongly supports family values 
and abominates lust. But itd t dissoci- 
ate itself from the profits accruing from 
the exercise of lust (and, in fact, of the oth- 
er six deadly sins), which it encourages in 
its advertisements. The conservatives of 
our day understand pride, lust, envy, 
anger, covetousness, gluttony and sloth as 


“EVERY MAN 
FOR HIMSELF” 
IS THE DOC- 
TRINE OFA 
FEEDING 
FRENZY. 


virtues when they lead to profit or poli 
cal power. Only as unprofitable or unau- 
thorized personal indulgences do they 
rank as sins, imperiling the salvation of the 
soul, family values and national security. 

Liberal individualism, on the contrary, 
understands sin as a private matter. It 
supports protecting the environment, 
which is part of the world that surrounds, 
at a safe distance, the privately owned 
body. The environment does 
not include the economic 
landscapes of agriculture and 
forestry or their human com- 
munities, and it does not in- 
clude the privately owned 
bodies of other people—all of 
which appear to have been be- 
queathed in fee simple to the 
corporate individualists. 

Conservative rugged indi- 
vidualists and liberal rugged 
individualists believe alike 
that they should be free to get as much as 
they can of whatever they want. Their ma- 
jor doctrinal difference is that they (some 
of the time) want different sorts of things. 

“Every man for himself” is the doctrine 
ofa feeding frenzy or a panic in a burning 
nightclub, appropriate for sharks or hogs 
or perhaps a cascade of lemmings. A soci 
ety wishing to endure must speak the 
language of caretaking, faith keeping, 
kindness, neighborliness and peace. That 
language is another precious resource 
that cannot be privatized. 


independent of law enforcement. States 


(1) Narrow death penalty crimes 

| Illinois has 20 crimes that can be 

j punished with death. The death 
penalty should apply only when two 
or more people are murdered, the 
victim is tortured or the victim is a 
police officer, firefighter, correctional 
officer or someone with a role in the 
defendant's trial. If the conviction is 
based on a single eyewitness or a jai 
house informant, the death penalty 
should not apply. 


(2) Videotape all police questioning 
Record station house interrogations of 
suspects in capital cases. Repeat to 
the defendant on tape any statements 
made elsewhere (such as in a squad 
car). Change police lineup procedures 
to reduce the chance of error. 


(3) Establish an independent lab. 

Because many capital cases are over- 
turned on suspect forensic evidence, 
states should establish labs that are 


should also create DNA databases. 


(4) Establish fail-safes 

The state attorney general, three pros- 
ecutors and a retired judge should 
review each death penalty decision. 
The trial judge should agree with the 
jury's finding for the sentence to be 
imposed. Finally, the state supreme 
court should review every death sen- 
tence to ensure consistency with other 
capital sentences. 


(5) Spend more money. 

Every state with capital punishment 
should spend more to train lawyers 
and judges to handle death penalty 
cases. The fees paid to defense attor- 
neys should reflect market rates, not 
the whims of legislators. 


Turow is the author of Ultimate Punish- 
ment: A Lawyer's Reflection on Dealing. 
With the Death Penalty. 


MARGINALI 


FROMA 
CONSENSUAL-SEX 
CONTRACT sold 
online by SW Designs for 
$29.99; "This agreement supercedes 
any and ай written and oral agreements 
heretofore entered into and represents 
the entire agreement between the par- 
ties. (1) It is acknowledged and agreed 
that the parties are fully aware of and 
understand the contents, legal effects 
and consequences of this agreement 
and, being fully advised, enter into this 
agreement voluntarily, free from duress, 
fraud, drunkenness (as defined by the 
laws of this state), undue influence, 
coercion, mental incompetence or mis- 
representation of any kind. (2) The 
agreeing parties are of legal age accord- 
ing to the laws of the legal 
venue of the agreement. (3) It is agreed 
that parties hereto are now, and must re- 
main, willing participants in the sexual 
act fully described under separate and 
confidential document [a list of sexual 
activities that includes entries such as 
intercourse, sex toys, other insertion, 
adultery and cross-dressing, with defini- 
tions for each] and that the signing of 
this document is not to be constructed 
as an obligation to fulfill the contract. (4) 
The parties agree that consensual sexual 
activity is privileged information and is 
not to be discussed with any individuals 
who are not parties to this agreement 
ior written permission is grant- 
ed. This agreement is not to be used for 
financial gain by either party herein." 


FROM A LIST OF 1,200 NAMES 
that the official North Kore- 

an broadcasting station. 

says have been used to re- 

fer to leader Kim Jong Il 

since 1974, as reported in 

the South Korean newspa- 

per The Chosun libo: 

Lodestar of the 21st 

Century, Peerless Leader, Beloved 
Leader, Great Leader, Dear Leader, Sun 
of Revolution, Sun of Life, Sun of Hope, 
Guiding Sun, Sun of Socialism, Sun of 
Humankind, Fatherly Leader of All 
Koreans, Great Human Veteran, Match- 
less Hero Who Rules the World With 
Virtue, Creator and Symbol of the Good- 
Ruler Philosophy, Outstanding Military 
and Political Activist, Great Leader Who. 
Opened a New History, Top Representa- 
tive of Revolutionary Integrity, Eternal 
Heart With Great Love and Faith, 
Narvelous Strategist, Perfect Military 
Expert, Strategist for Victories, General- 
like Politician, Best General, Symbol of 
Unchallenged Victory, World's Best 
Military Artist, Invincible Commander, 
Great Master in Philosophy, Master in 
Literature, Art and Architecture, Genius 
of Human Music, World's Great Author, 
Walking Computer Who Surprises 
Experts, Hero From Heaven. 


FROM AN INTELLIGENCE 
BULLETIN issued by the FBI Coun- 
terterrorism Division: “Investigation has 
revealed that terrorist operatives may 
rely on almanacs to assist with target 
selection and preoperational planning. 
The use of almanacs or maps may be 
{continued on page 55) 


READER RESPONSE 


GETTING OUT THE VOTE 
As Ishmael Reed notes ("Keep America 
From Voting Act,” February), the 2004 
clection may not be as flawed as the last. 
election—it may be worse. Communi- 
ties across America are buying electron- 
ic voting machines, but the technology 
has serious security problems. Congress 
is considering a bill (HR 2239) that 


would require openly reviewed voting 


A Fulton County, Georgio employee helps 
poll workers with voting-mochine problems. 


software and voter-verifiable paper au- 
dit trails for all new e-voting machines. 
Cindy Cohn 

Electronic Frontier Foundation. 

San Francisco, California 


In a country where everyone is given a 
Social Security number at birth regard- 
less of race, creed or financial standing, 
how can asking for ID at the voting 
booth be a bias? How hard is it to get a 
state ID card or driver's license? I know 
of one Southern state that hands them 
out to anyone, citizen or not. What hap- 
pened in Florida was a shame, but it's 
ridiculous to view it as a Republican plot 
to disenfranchise black voters. 
Lisa Martin 
Alta Loma, California 


VOTING WITHOUT A HOME 
While reading “Voting With Convic- 
tion: How a Few Ex-Cons Can Swing an 
Election" (February), I was struck by the 
similarities between voting laws that dis- 
enfranchise prisoners and felons and 
those that keep many of the 2.6 million 
homeless adults from the polls. Twenty- 
seven states refuse to allow anyone who 
doesn't have a mailing address to regis- 
ter. Twenty states have only verbal poli- 
cies on homeless registration, leaving 
county officials with the discretion to 


determine eligibility. Only 10 specifically 
give the homeless the right to register, 
though in a survey of state election offi- 
cials, all 50 insisted a person can regis- 
ter to vote if he liyes in a shelter, and 48 
(Louisiana and Virginia were the excep- 
tions) said a person can register if he 
lives on the street. Since 1992 we have 
sponsored a You Don't Need a Home to 
Vote campaign. We will never end 
homelessness unless homeless people 
are involved in the political system. 
Michael Stoops 
National Coalition for the Homeless 
Washington, D.C. 


No other democratic nation takes away 
voting rights for life for a felony convic- 
tion, as is the practice in 14 U.S. states. 
In recent years courts in Canada, Israel 
and South Africa have affirmed the 
right of prisoners to vote. Yet many 
states are now reconsidering these poli- 
cies. Since 1996 nine states have scaled 
back or repealed aspects of their laws, 
with both Democratic and Republican 
governors endorsing the changes. 
Marc Mauer 
‘The Sentencing Project 
Washington, D.C. 


CHONG'S BONGS 
Tommy Chong got nine months for sell- 
ing bongs ("Extra: Feds Jail Chong for 
Bongs," February). The 19-year-old son. 
of our mayor, busted for trying to deliv- 
pounds of marijuana, got two 
' probation. 


Eric Hartman 
Sterling Heights, Michigan 


I've smoked pot using Pepsi cans. Do 
the feds plan to go after Pepsi? 
Dusty Hubbard 


Rantoul, Kansas 


FIXING THE ENVIRONMENT 

After reading Christine Whitman's "5 
Ways to Fix the Environment" (Febru- 
ary). we want to remind everyone of 
some ofthe things the Bush administra- 
tion has done to "fix" the environment 
in ways that benefit corporate cronies. 
Here are "5 Ways the Bush Administra- 
tion Is Trashing the Environment": 

(1) Kyoto Protocol: President Bush 
disgraced the U.S. when he withdrew it 
from the Kyoto global-warming treaty 
negotiations. An embarrassed Whit- 
man, then head of the EPA, was sent to 
deliver the bad news to the world after 
carlier pledging constructive involve- 


ment. Dick Cheney labeled her a “good 
soldier," while Colin Powell called her a 
“wind dummy," referring to the sack 
that bombers threw from airplancs to 
test the wind 

(2) Energy Bill: Crafted during Che- 
ney's infamous backroom corporate 
powwows, this legislation provides tens 
of billions of dollars in tax breaks for 
dirty sources of power such as the coal, 
oil and nuclear industries while doing 
virtually nothing to promote efficiency 
and renewable energy sources that 
might free us from our oil addiction. 

(3) Chemical Security: The Bush ad- 
ministration has done next to nothing to 
protect citizens from terrorists who 
might turn U.S. chemical plants and 
transport trains into weapons of mass de- 
struction. The administration has failed 
to push for safer chemical alternatives or 
enact any regulation to force such 
change. Safety and security matters are 
left to the discretion of private industry. 

(4) Healthy Forests Initiative: This of- 
fers up our national forests to the log- 
ging industry under the guise of forest 
fire prevention. 

(5) Clear Skies: Developed under 
Whitman to repay major donors to 
the administration, this bill would 
rewrite the Clean Air Act. The result 
will be more soot and smog in our air 
and lungs and more toxic mercury pol- 
luting fish in our lakes and streams. 

Whitman missed one important thing 


that Americans can do this year to fix 
the environment: vote. 

John Passacantando 

Greenpeace USA 

Washington, D.C. 


E-mail: forum@playboy.com. Or write: 730 
Fifth Avenue, New York, New York 10019. 


FORUM 


NEWSFRONT 


Dangerous Opinions 

NEW york—Lucky Cheng's is a cabaret- 
restaurant that features floor shows with 
cross-dressing waiters. Zagat Survey, 
the restaurant-guide publisher that 
bases its reviews on diners’ ratings, 
reprinted snarky customer comments and 
gave Cheng's nine out of 30 points for 
food quality. The restaurant sued for 
$10 million plus $30,000 for every 
week the book was in print and another 
$250,000 in compensation. The owners 
claimed libel and negligence and asked a 
judge to restrain Zaget from printing more 
copies. Zagat responded that “public 
opinion is protected by the First Amend- 
ment.” In a similar case, Sharper Image 
sued Consumer Reports for reviews in 
which the magazine found the lonic 
Breeze Quadra air cleaner “ineffective.” 
The magazine calls its assessment “fully 
accurate, es Sharper Image well knows.” 


Everyone’s a Suspect 

COLRAIN, MASSACHUSETTS—A woman took her 
10-year-old, an aspiring pilot, to an office sup- 
ply store and asked a clerk if the store carried 
software for learning how to fly a plane. The 
clerk told her that it was illegal even to ask 
such a question. Police later visited the woman 
at her home. An Air Force Reserve pilot herself, 
she took the intrusion in stride, saying, “What 
saves us is that people are paying attention.” 

LOS ANGELES—Michael Ramirez, a political 
cartoonist for the Los Angeles Times, drew an 
image referencing Eddie Adams's Pulitzer 
Prize-winning photo of a Vietnamese general 
executing a prisoner. Ramirez's version depicts 
President George W. Bush as the victim and a 
figure labeled pouırıcs as the shooter; the back- 
drop is labeled IRAQ. The next day an agent 
from the Secret Service went to the newspaper 
to interrogate the cartoonist, ostensibly about 
his “threat” against the president. The newspa- 
per turned the agent away. 

ATLANTA—While waiting in line for coffee, a 
bookstore clerk read an editorial his father had 
printed from the Internet for him called 
“Weapons of Mass Stupidity.” A few days later 
the FBI stopped by for a visit at the bookstore 
where he worked. The agents told the clerk 
that someone at the coffee shop had reported 
him for reading suspicious material and that 
they wanted a copy of the article and to search 
his automobile. 


Brownie Points 
SEATTLE—College Republicans at the Universi- 
ty of Washington held a bake sale to protest 


affirmative action. They offered cookies to mi- 
norities starting et 25 cents each while charg- 
ing whites $1. An angry crowd gathered, and 
two students tore down the price list and be- 
gan throwing cookies at the sellers, prompting 
the administration to shut down the sale. Sim- 
ilar sales have been stopped at other schools. 
The Foundation for Individual Rights in Edu- 
cation, a watchdog group, alleges that univer- 
sities "have sanctioned criminal violence to 
silence political debate." 


“| Like Being Naked” 

LINCOLN, NEBRASKA— Melissa Harrington is like 
a lot of young women. She enjoys going out 
with her friends and having a good time. She 
also has a website on which she charges 
horny surfers to see her naked. For one set of 
photos she posed nude in a secluded area of a 
local bar. “I like being naked in public, even 
more when there's a lot of people there to 


watch,” Harrington said. "If you have a beau- 
tiful body, why not show it?" Acting on e tip, 
police visited her site, examined the images 
and cited Harrington for public nudity. She has. 
enlisted four attorneys to fight the charges. 


MARGINALIA 


(continued from page 53) 


the product of legiti- 
mate recreational or 
commercial activi- 
ties; however, when 
combined with sus- 
picious behavior or 
other information 
such as evidence of 
surveillance activi- 
ties, these indica- 
tors may point to 
possible terrorist planning. Indicators of 
the use of almanacs for this purpose 
may include suspicious nolations con- 
cerning high-profile locations such as 
tall buildings or landmarks and refer- 
ences to specific dates.” 


FROM A DEPOSITION taken dur- 
ing the prosecution of a man accused of 
posting 37 photos on an adult website. 
The transcript appeared in Adult Video 
News. In this excerpt, defense lawyer 
Jeffrey Douglas questions Steven 
Tekeshita, head of the Los Angeles 
Police Department's Organized Crime 
and Vice Division, about the images. 

Q: Would the definition of fisting 
include four-finger insertion if the 
thumb were not inserted? 

A: Yes. 

G: How about three fingers? 

A: That would depend on how they are 
inserted. If the person has these two 
fingers and just the tip, thet is actually 
three fingers. But if they are inserting 
the finger all the way, that would be 
more of a fisting-type activity. 

Q. If you were to see a film in which 
the only sexual act was the repeated 
insertion of three fingers, would you go 
to the city attorney? 

A: No. 

Q: Would you conduct further 
investigation? 

А: Yes. 

9: If you saw three-finger insertion, 
what information could an investigation 
provide that would lead you to seek 
prosecution of that movie? 

A: M зам a three-finger insertion on 
the cover, that would indicate there is a 
possibility of the act of fisting occurring, 
G: If you saw a movie in which the only 
act related to fisting was the insertion 
of four fingers, would you bring that to 
the city attorney? 

A: No. 


Q. Is that because the guidelines indicate 
that five fingers have to be inserted? 

A; To the web of the hand, yes. 

Q. If the last knuckles are outside the 
orifice, the city attorney says that is not 
fisting? 
A: The city attorney says he will 
evaluate that case by case. 

G: Is it your understanding that if the 
four fingers are inserted beyond the 
knuckle, then the city attorney is more 
likely to file? 

A: Yes. 

G: And do you know what the basis of 
that distinction is? 

А: That sexuality appeals to an 
abhorrent interest in sex. 

G: Do you understand the basis of their 
arguing that the insertion of knuckles 
versus the knuckles being exterior—what 
the basis of that being abhorrent is? 

A: No. 


FORUM 


THE BIRD IS THE WORD 


A LEGAL HISTORY OF THE FINGE 


1977: A Connecticut appeals court 
overturns the conviction of a high 
school student who gave the finger to a 
trooper from the back of a school bus. 
The officer had stopped behind the 
bus ata red light. 


1980: Police arrest a contractor in 
Hammond, Louisiana after he paints 
оп a supermarket wall а 30-foot-high 
image of Mickey Mouse flipping the 
bird, with the caption "Hey, Iran!” 


1983: A Texas court upholds the con- 
viction of a student who flipped off his 
principal during graduation. 


1990: In the case of an Arizona man 
pulled over for flipping off cop, a fed- 
eral court rules that “no matter how 
peculiar, abrasive, unruly or distasteful 
a person's conduct may be, it cannot 
justify a police stop unless it suggests 
that some specific crime has been, or is 
about to be, committed." 


1990: When a police helicopter hovers 
800 feet over a home in Oceanside, 
California, the owner aims a flashlight 
at the chopper and flips off the police. 
Minutes later a dozen cops converge on 
the home, hog-tie the owner and arrest 
him and his wife. The prosecutor re- 
fuses to charge the couple, who later 
win $300,000 in damages. 


1991: Police arrest a driver for giving 
the finger to Santa Claus as Saint Nick 
speaks to a little girl and her parents 
in Portsmouth, Rhode Island. The 
perp is busted when Santa, who hap- 
pens to be an off-duty cop, writes down 
his license-plate number. 


Baroness Thatcher Marshall Mathers 


» 5 


è 


BY CHIP ROWE 


JOHNNY CASH GIVES IT TO THE WARDEN. 


1995: Jimmie Wayne Jeffers, being 
executed in Arizona for killing his ex- 
girlfriend in 1976, flips the bird to the 
warden from the electric chair. Accord- 
ing to witnesses, his finger is still raised 
as he is electrocuted. 


1998: Police fine a Pennsylvania woman 
$25 for yelling “Fuck you!” and flipping 
off a roadside construction worker. In 
2000 the state superior court reverses 
the fine, saying the gesture cannot be 
considered obscene. “It would be a rare 
person who would be turned on by the 
display of a middle finger or the lan- 
guage it represents,” the court rules. 


1999: A jury awards an Arkansas junk- 
yard owner $2,000 in damages against 
à state trooper who arrested him for 
flipping the bird as they passed on a 
county road. Earlier that ycar the 
man’s nephew had received a $2,500 
scttlement after being arrested for flip- 


ping off a different cop. 


IS THIS PROTECTED SPEECH? 
Nelson Rockefeller 


2000: After being interrupted, a school 
board member in Allentown, Pennsyl- 
vania gives the finger to the board 
president. During his trial the member 
argues that his gesture had not been 
sexual and therefore was not obscene. 
But a tape of the meeting shows he lat- 
er threatened to “put some Vaseline” 
on his bird. A judge fines him $100. 


2001: An officer in Florida arrests a 
man on obscenity charges for two stick- 
crs on his pickup. One shows a foot-high 
Calvin of Calvin and Hobbes sticking up 
his middle finger while urinating on the 
names of the man's ex-girlfriend, her 
husband and their daughter. 


2001: Robert Coggin allegedly gives 
the finger to a slow driver on a Texas 
highway. The driver calls the police, 
and Coggin spends $15,000 getting the 
$250 fine reversed. An appeals court 
rules the digitus impudicus (“impudent 
finger") is protected speech, especially 
if its target is not “violently aroused.” 


2003: Administrators in Ontario sus- 
pend a 12-year-old after he gives the 
finger in a class portrait. "I didn't even 
realize that my middle finger was stick- 
ing out,” he claims. His mother says of 
school officials, “They're not anthro- 
pologists. They can't look at a picture. 
and determine someone's intentions." 


2004: An American Airlines pilot, Dale 
Robin Hersh, irritated that Sào Paulo 
Airport officials had fingerprinted and 
photographed him, gestures at the 
camera. Police arrest him for insolence, 
and a judge fincs him $13,000 for “his 
insult to Brazil’s national pride.” 


Uncle Sam Dale Robin Hersh 


GREEN LABEL FULL FLAVOR ` 18mg. “tar”, 1.3 mg. nicotine av. per 


cigarette by FTC method. For more product information, visit www.rirtcom. SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Cigarette 


Visit aalernnccess con: Smoke Contains Carbon Monoxide. 
Website restricted to smokers 21 or older. 


©2004 R.J. REYNOLDS TOBAGCÓ CO. 


PLAYBOY 


58 


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no ww JOHNNY DEPP 


A candid conversation with the brooding actor about growing up, getting sober, 
being a middle-aged sex symbol and smacking the hell out of the paparazzi 


Johnny Depp has ane of the quirkiest résumés 
in Hollywood. After starting his career as a 
TV heartthrob, he reinvented himself as a 
serious actor in offbeat and usually brutally 
uncommercial movies: He was critically ac- 
claimed box office poison. But now, thanks to 
his role in last year's $300 million-gros: 
smash Pirates of the Caribbean 
Disney family film that is the quiis of 
Depp's indie work—he has at last emerged as 
a mainstream star. He notched his first Oscar 
nomination. People magazine dubbed him 
the sexiest man alive for 2003, even as he 
turned 40. And the actor with a penchant for 
getting in trouble—and landing in jail—has 
been replaced by a kinder, mellower Depp, a 
family man who has given up drinking and 
drugging in favor of days in the park with his 
kids. Who the hell is this guy anyway? 
Depp's early days are well documented. As 
an undercover cop on 21 Jump Street, he 
emerged as an instant teen idol in 1987. Bul 
a future as a lunch box icon scared him, and 
he quickly fled to movies. He turned down 
star-making parts that later went to Tom 
Cruise, Keanu Reeves and Brad Pitt, but he 
found a niche playing idiosyncratic misfits. 
He became a muse for director Tim Burton, 
who first cast him in the title role of Edward 
Scissorhands and later in Ed Wood and 
Sleepy Hollow. He played a tormented intro- 


“I was never a cokehead or anything like 
that. I always despised that drug. But I was 
poisoning myself with alcohol and medicat- 
ing myself, There was a danger that I would 
go over the edge. I thank God 1 didn't." 


vert in What's Eating Gilbert Grape, a drug- 
addled Hunter S. Thompson in Fear and 
Loathing in Las Vegas and a conflicted un- 
dercover FBI agent in Donnie Brasco. 
There's barely a normal guy in his repertoire. 
Born in Owensboro, Kentucky, Depp was 
an indifferent student. At the age of 16 he 
dropped out of high school, began pumping 
gas and joined a band that opened for Iggy 
Pop and the Ramones. In 1983 the band 
moved to Los Angeles but struggled to find 
gigs. For a while Depp sold ballpoint pens by 
phone. His then wife, Lori Allison, introduced 
Depp to Nicolas Cage, who arranged a meet- 
ing with an agent. The rest is history. 
Flash-forward a couple of decades, and 
Depp is the hottest actor in town. His latest 
film is Secret Window, and future projects 
include J.M. Barrie’s Neverland, in which he 
plays the author of Peter Pan; The Rum 
Diary, based on a Hunter S. Thompson nov- 
el: and The Libertine, in which he will play a 
debauched 17th century poet. More is on the 
horizon, including a Burton-helmed version 
of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and the 
inevitable gazillion-dollar sequel to Pirates. 
Depp's run-ins with paparazzi are tabloid 
fodder, as are his bad-boy exploits involving 
drink, drugs and a long list of beautiful 
women, including Sherilyn Fenn, Jennifer 
Grey and Winona Ryder. He and Ryder were 


“There was this vicious woman, a teacher: 
One day she told me to do something. She got 
very loud in my face and tried to embarrass 
me. I turned around and walked away. As I 
did, 1 dropped my drawers and mooned 


her.” 


serious enough that he emblazoned himself 
with @ WINONA FOREVER tattoo. (When they 
broke up he had it laser-altered to WINO FOR- 
EVER.) He was dating model Kate Moss when 
he famously trashed a New York hotel room 
and was arrested. Depp co-owned a popular 
Hollywood club called the Viper Room. It was 
there on Halloween night 1993 that rising 
star River Phoenix died of a drug overdose. 
The tragedy contributed to Depp's image as 
an actor teetering on the edge. 

Depp has since settled down with his girl- 
friend of six years, Vanessa Paradis, the 
French actress and pop singer: They have two 
children, Lily-Rose, four, and Jack, two. The 
couple divide their time between Los Angeles 
and St-Tropez, France. 

PLAYBOY sent journalist Bernard Weinraub 
to meet with Depp in a suite at the Chateau 
Marmont Hotel in Los Angeles. Depp arrived 
decked out in a cowboy hat, with a Che Gue- 
vara charm, an amulet and a tiger's tooth 
around his neck. He promptly opened a botile 
of water and rolled a cigarette. 


PLAYBOY: You've been through quite a 
few changes lately, not the least of which 
is that Pirates of the Caribbean has made 
you one of the hottest stars in town. You 
were even nominated for best actor. 
DEPP: It's really weird. [laughs] 


| 
"I looked down at the ground, and there was 
wooden plank. Instinct took over. I picked. 
it up and whacked the guys hand. The next 
thing I knew I saw flashing lights around 
me. And a paddy wagon.” 


59 


PLAYBOY 


PLAYBOY: What impact did Pirates have on 
your career and your life? 

DEPP: I'm the wrong person to answer 
that. For onc thing, four- and five-year- 
old kids and people in their 50s, 60s and 
70s—a broad spectrum—loved that 
movie. That hasn't happened to me be- 
fore. That was great. I just want to con- 
tinue getting good jobs. 

PLAYBOY: Has Hollywood's view of you 
changed? 

DEPP: I don't know if Hollywood's view of 
me has changed. I'm certainly getting 
calls from people and filmmakers who 
maybe didn't know my name before. 
That's all right. My next film has been 
planned for a while. The story takes 
place in Restoration England. I play 
John Wilmot, the Second Earl 
of Rochester, a debauched poet. 
He killed himself with drink 
and syphilis at the age of 33. A 
real piece of work. 

PLAYBOY: You're now consid- 
ered a bankable movie star- 
DEPP: I've always been some dis- 
tance from that game. ] guess 
there have been times when I 
was on the brink of being bank- 
able. But that's all so weird. All 
these weird lists—top five stars, 
top 10, "Let's get this guy be- 
cause he's bankable." I don't 
think about that. You're on the 
list two weeks and then—poof— 
you're gone. 1t never jarred 
me that I wasn't on the list. If 
I'm considered bankable this 
week, that's great. Next week 
I'll be totally off. I'm used to 
that. I've never had an allergy 
to the idea of commercial suc- 
cess. When you put a movie out 
and it's successful, that's great. 
I just wanted to get there in the 
right way, in a way that's not 
too compromising or demean- 
ing or ugly. Whether I'm there 
as a bankable movie star or not, 
I don't know. If 1 stay there, 
who knows? 

PLAYBOY: Do you consider your- 
self a star? L 


| do 


and not have the responsibility to say 
anything. I wasn't thrown into the spot- 
light to be the novelty or to entertain. 
PLAYBOY: Are you often in that position? 
DEPP: Yeah, and this was nice. 1 could sit 
there and drink wine. Ultimately, though, 
what I love about being over there is the 
culture, which is very old. 

PLAYBOY: What's your life in France like? 
DEPP: Simplicity, really. We have a little 
house in the country. We wake up in 
the morning, the sun's coming out, we 
make coffee, and then we make break- 
fast for the kids. 

PLAYBOY: Now that you're back in the 
public eye in a big way, do you feel more 
exposed? 

DEPP: We've always had our run-ins with 


lo have an 


Ç ROT 
know why. 


naged in our own way. 


the other day, and the paparazzi sur- 
rounded the perimeter just to photo- 
graph her playing with our children. It's 
ugly. I don't mind so much when they do 
it to me, but when it’s my kids, that’s 
another story. It's evil. 

PLAYBOY: Is there less harassment in 
France? 

DEPP: Not necessarily. They fly heli- 
copters over our property, in front of the 
kitchen window. They have these long 
lenses. 

PLAYBOY: Here's another big change: You 
recently turned 40. Are you surprised 
that you made it? 

DEPP: It was questionable for a while. 
PLAYBOY: Were you genuinely worried 
that you wouldnt? 

DEPP: In your teens and your 
20s, you're immortal, you're 
untouchable. It's only later that 
you begin to realize you are 
mortal. 

PLAYBOY: You once said that 
everyone thinks of you as a 
drug-addicted, brooding, an- 
gry and rebellious mental case. 
How apt was that description? 
DEPP: Well, for many years they 
said I was a wild man. Now they 
say I'm a former wild man, for- 
mer bad boy, former rebel. I 
guess “former” because now 
I'm a dad. The media tries to 
stuff you into a mold. It hap- 
pens to everybody. He's the 
new bad boy, the new James 
Dean, the new whatever. It's 
both amusing and annoying. 
My mom reads that stuff. So do 
my nieces and nephews and all 
my family. At times it was flat- 
out fiction. 

PLAYBOY: At one point your life 
did seem out of control. Was it 
drugs? 

DEPP: Mostly alcohol. There 
were drugs, too—pills—and 
there was a danger that 1 would 
go over the edge. I could have. 
I thank God I didn't. It was 
darkest during the filming of 
Gilbert Grape. 


DEPP: Well, the real movie stars 

were Humphrey Bogart, Lauren Bacall, 
Spencer ‘Tracy, Montgomery Clift. How 
could I put myself in the same category 
as Clark Gable? Tom Cruise is a great 
movie star. Do I consider myself a movie 
star? I consider myself a guy with a good 
job, an interesting job. 

PLAYBOY: Maybe better than a good job. 
You've become big box office. You're 
spending less time in France and more 
in L.A. to be closer to the action. 

DEPP: Well, I still live in France part-time. 
PLAYBOY: Are you as at home in France as 
you are here? 

DEPP: Now I am. It was amazing at first, 
because I didn't speak the language. I 
loved that, because I didn't have to talk. 


60 It was great just to be out among people 


the paparazzi. That hasn't changed. 
They are very ambitious. They're look- 
ing for God knows what. You think, Why 
that kind of intense invasion? 

PLAYBOY: Did it cause you to question 
making Pirates of Ihe Caribbean in the 
first place? 

DEPP: No, I’m not going to complain. 
When we're in a public place, like at. 
some opening or a premiere, I don't 
mind the press. It's the nature of the 
beast. But when you're shopping for 
Christmas presents for your kids, I just 
don't understand the fascination. The 
other day I had a lunch meeting in the 
San Fernando Valley. ‘There was a literal 
convoy, with seven or eight vehicles, be- 
hind us. My girl took my kids to the park 


PLAYBOY: What were your drugs 
of choice? 
DEPP: I was never a cokehead or any- 
thing like that. 1 always despised that 
drug. I thought it was a waste of time, 
pointless. But 1 was poisoning myself 
with alcohol and medicating myself. 1 
was trying to numb things. 
PLAYBOY: What things? 
DEPP: I was trying not to feel things, and 
that's ridiculous. It's one of the dumbest 
things you can do, because all you're do- 
ing is postponing the inevitable. Some- 
day you'll have to look all those things in 
the eye rather than try to numb the pain. 
PLAYBOY: How far did it go? Were you 
ever an addict? 
DEPP: No, thank God I was never hooked 
on anything. I never had a monkey on 


my back. I just wanted to self-medicate, 
to numb myself through liquor. It's how 
I dealt with life, reality, stress, change, 
sadness, memories. The list gocs on. I 
was really trying to feel nothing. 
PLAYBOY: What led you to stop? 

DEPP: Family and friends sat me down 
and said, “Listen, we love you. You're 
important to us, and you're fucking up. 
You're Killing yourself. You're killing us 
in the process." 

PLAYBOY: Did you listen to them? 

DEPP: Not right away. You don't listen 
right away because you're dumb. You're 
ignorant. You're human. Finally it seeps 
in. Finally the body and mind and heart 
and psyche just go, "Yeah, you're doing 
the wrong thing." 

PLAYBOY: Did your family and friends 
actually do an intervention? 

DEPP: At a certain point they intervened. 
At the time I said I appreciated it. I went 
through the motions. I said 1 was okay, 
and I went for a couple of months being 
a dumb ass. But I could see things turn- 
ing into a nasty tailspin. And then I 
thought, Maybe I'm slow, but this is 
ridiculous. Fuck it, just stop! So 1 stopped 
everything for the better part of a усаг. I 
guess I just reached a point where I said, 
“Jesus Christ, what am I doing? Life is 
fucking good. What am I doing to my- 
self?” Now I drink a glass or two of red 
wine and that's it 

PLAYBOY: River Phoenix died of a drug 
overdose outside your club. What im- 
pact did that have on you? 

DEPP: It was devastating. I can't imagine 
the depth of pain that his family and close 
friends felt. It was rough for me, but for 
them it must have been unbearable. 
PLAYBOY: How well did you know him? 
DEPP: We knew and were certainly re- 
spectful of each other. There was always 
the sort of promise, “Hey, we'll gei 
gether and do something sometime.” I 
liked him. I liked his work ethic, EE I 
liked his choices. He was a sha 

had so many amazing Кы Bere 
him. Fuck, what a waste. For what? 
PLAYBOY: Did it aflect your drinking and 
drug use? 

DEPP: That was 1993, when I was doing 
Ed Wood. Y was completely sober—no 
hard liquor, no wine, no nothing. Even 
so, all the tabloids started saying we were 
having drug parties. The whole thing was 
weird, awful, ugly and sad. The incident 
is seared onto my brain, onto my heart. 
PLAYBOY: Are that and the other darker 
times in your life reflected in your work? 
Tim Burton once said you had an aflini- 
ty for damaged people. Do you? 

DEPP: I do have an aflinity for damaged 
people, in life, in roles. 1 don't know 
why. We're all damaged in our own way. 
Nobody's perfect. I think we are all 
somewhat screwy, every single one of us. 
PLAYBOY: Did you feel damaged as a 
child, or was yours a relatively normal. 
childhood? 

DEPP: Normal? I wouldn't go that far. 


THE ART HOUSE 


The Two Worlds of Johnny Depp 


No one bounces back and forth between art-house flicks and 
mainstream movies like Depp. Which is his true niche? 


THE MULTIPLEX 


MISFITS 


<Whars Eating Gilbert Grape 
(1993) A long-suffering caregiver 
10 a 500-pound mom and mentally 
challenged brother finds time to 
fall in love. The movie cemented 
Depp's rep as a guy who didn't give 
a shit about conventional stardom, 
Edward Scissorhands) 
(1990) A long-suffering loner with 
scissors for hands trims hedges, 
cuts hair, falls in love and is ban- 
ished to isolation. This fractured 
fairy tale became a cult classic. 


[ steuns 


4From Hell 
(2001) A 19th century sleuth's 
opium-powered visions fuel a hunt 
for Jack the Ripper. The movie 
got slashed by horror junkies for 
being too timid and by brainiacs 
for being too gruesome. 

Sleepy Hollow) 
(1999) Squeamish, prissy, super- 
logical 19th century Ichabod Crane 
loses his head to a witchy wench. 
Depp made a box office killing 
with this gory, goofy gothic. 


[RUNNING MEN 


4Dead Man 
(1995) An 1800s accountant kills a 
man in self-defense and then em- 
barks on a journey of mysticcl en- 
lightenment guided by a Native 
American. Critics were puzzled. 
Audiences stayed away in droves. 
Nick of Time) 

(1995) A nerdy accountant is given 
75 minutes to assassinate the gov- 
ernor of California or lose his 
daughter. Depp as a bland action 
hero? Isn't this Keanu Reeves's turf? 


RASCALS 


Chocolat 

(2000) A studly, earringed, free- 
wheeling Irish river rat shocks a 
village of French stuffed shirts by 
macking the new babe in town—a 
shop owner whose chocolates 
turn prudes into horn dogs. 


Pirates of the Caribbean: 
The Curse of the Black Pearl 
(2003) As a scene-stealing, woozy, 
mascara-wearing swashbuckler, 
Depp finally became a main- 
stream stor. —Stephen Rebello 


61 


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PLAYBOY: Then how was it abnormal? 
DEPP: It was strange, though then again, 
it was normal to us. It wasn't until I start- 
ed going to other kids’ hoi nd hang- 
ing out, having dinner, seeing what a 
family is supposed to do that I saw that 
we weren't normal. 

PLAYBOY: How was it different? 

DEPP: Even down to sitting around a din- 
ner table together—it wasn't an every- 
day occurrence in my house. At my 
house dinner easily could have consisted 
of a bologna sandwich, and then you'd 
split. You might come back later and 
grab a few peanuts, and then you'd split 
again. That was it. I would go to my bud- 
dy Sal's house for dinner. I couldn't 
understand what was going on with 
everyone sitting down together. I'll nev- 
er forget seeing romaine lettuce for the 
first time. І thought it was weird—I was 
afraid of it. There was salad and appetiz- 
ers and soup. I had no idea about that. I 
grew up on hillbilly food. 

PLAYBOY: Apparently you were no more 
at ease in school. Were you a problem 
student? 

DEPP: Yeah, in high school. 

PLAYBOY. In what way? 

DEPP: There was this vicious woman, a 
teacher. If you weren't in her little hand- 
picked clique, you were ridiculed and 
picked on. She was brutal and unjust 
One day she told me to do something, I 
can't remember what. Her tone was nasty. 
She got very loud in my face in front of 
the rest of the class and tried to embar- 
rass me. I saw what she was doing, that 
she was trying to ridicule me. I turned 
around and walked away. As I did, I 
dropped my drawers and mooned her. 
PLAYBOY: How did she react? 

DEPP: She went out of her mind. Then of 
course I was brought before the dean 
and suspended for a couple of weeks. At 
that time it was coming anyway. I knew 
my days were numbered. 

PLAYBOY: What in school interested you? 
DEPP: I was more interested in music 
than anything else. Music was like life. I 
had found a reason to live. I was 12 
when my mom bought me a $25 electric 
guitar. I had an uncle who was a preach- 
er, and his family had a gospel singing 
group. He played guitar in church, and 
1 used to watch him. I became obsessed 
with the guitar. 1 locked myself in my 
bedroom for the better part of a year 
and taught myself chords. I'd try to 
learn things off records. 

PLAYBOY: Which records? 

DEPP: I was very lucky to have my broth- 
er, who is 10 years older than me and a 
real smart guy. He turned me on to Van 
Morrison and Bob Dylan. I remember 
listening to the soundtracks to A Clock- 
work Orange and Last Tango in Paris. Y 
loved Aerosmith, Kiss and Alice Coope 
and when I was older, the Clash, the Sex 
Fistols and the Ramones 

PLAYBOY: Why didn't your music career 
pan out? 


DEPP: At a certain point I realized that, in 
terms of a job, maybe I didn't have the 
passion for it. 

PLAYBOY: What effect did your parents’ 
divorce have on you? 

DEPP: I was 15, I think. It had been com- 
ing for quite a long time. I'm surprised 
they lasted that long, bless their hearts. I 
think they tried to keep it together for the 
kids, and then they couldn't anymore. 
PLAYBOY: How were they as parents? 
DEPP: They were good parents. They 
raised four kids. I was the youngest 
They stuck it out for us all those years. 
But we lived in a small house, and no- 
body argued in a whisper. We were ex- 
posed to their violent outbursts against 
each other. That stuff sticks. 

PLAYBOY: What led you to acting? 

DEPP: Opportunity. I never really had an 
interest in it in the beginning. Nicolas 
Cage—we had some mutual friends—in- 
troduced me to his agent. She sent me to 
a casting director, and I auditioned for 
the first Nightmare on Elin Street. 1 got the 
job. I was stupefied. They paid me all 
that money for a week, It was luck, an 
accident. I did it purely to pay the rent. 
I was literally filling out job applications 
at the time, any kind of job. Nic Cage 
said, "You should try being an actor. 
Maybe you are one and don't know it." 
I began acting, and I thought, Well, 
this is an interesting road; maybe I 
should keep traveling on it. I didn't 
know what the hell I was doing, so I 
started to read everything I could 
about acting—Stanislavsky, Uta Hagen, 
Michael Chekhov. I started soaking it up. 
PLAYBOY: Then you landed a starring 
role on 21 Jump Street. How do you look 
back on that experience? 

DEPP: It did great things for me, and I'm 
thankful for the experience. It was a 
great education, but it was very frustrat- 
ing. I felt like I was filling up space 
between commercials. 

PLAYBOY: Yet it was very successful and 
launched your career. 

DEPP: Yeah. I'd been evicted from an 
apartment and had moved into a 
friend's place. I was scrambling to pay 
the rent, waiting for residual checks 
from other things that I'd done to pay 
the bills. I went from that to making a 
bunch of money. I went from anonymity 
to going to a restaurant and having peo- 
ple point at me. It was a shock. But what 
really bothered me was that I could see 
the machine. I could see the wheels 
turning. I could see where it was all 
going, and it scared the shit out of me. 
Where was it going? 

ing the Fox network, 
using 21 Jump Street to build it. They 
were shoving my face out there, selling 
me as this product. It made me crazy. I 
thought, After this you'll be in a sitcom 
You'll be on a lunch box and then a ther- 
mos and a notebook. And in two years 


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you'll be ridiculous. It paid good money 
and was a good gig, but I wanted some- 
thing else. 

PLAYBOY: What did you do to change 
your career? 

DEPP: I waited and waited and waited to 
do a movie, because 1 wanted to do the 
right one. I wanted to go as far away 
from the series as I could. The first film 
I did after Jump Street was Cry-Baby with 
John Waters. That was a great experi- 
ence. After that 1 did another season of 
the series, and then I did Edward Scis- 
sorhands. During that movie I got the 
phone call saying I was out of the show. 1 
felt like, Ah, possibilities. I was freed up. 
I swore to myself that I would never 
again compromise to the degree that I 
had. I swore that I wouldn't just follow 
the commercial road. I wouldn't do what 
was expected of me or what was neces- 
sary to maintain whatever it is—a popu- 
lar or financially rewarding career. I 
promised myself that 1 wouldn't do that. 
PLAYBOY: Has the success of Pirates 
changed that attitude? 

DEPP: Years ago I said to myself, I'll nev- 
er do television again. No way. Nothing 
in the world could get me to do it. And 
then somewhere in the back of my mind 
I'm thinking that it might be cool some- 
day to do a television series, just to be in 
one spot for a while. You never know 
what's going to happen. One minute 
you're doing one thing and people are in- 
terested, and the next minute they're 
not interested. It's just an odd game. 1 
mean, I may want to do dinner theater. 
Maybe it's not so bad. I've always said 1 
might end up being forced to do 
McDonald's openings dressed as Ed- 
ward Scissorhands. You never know. 
PLAYBOY: You've turned down roles later 
played by people such as Brad Pitt, in- 
cluding a part in Thelma & Louise. Was 
thata mistake? 

DEPP: I don't regret any of the things I 
didn't do, and I certainly don't regret 
any of the things 1 did do, down to the 
dumbest. Everything happened the way 
it should happen, even ridiculous things 
that I did in the beginning. I don't re- 
gret any of it. 

PLAYBOY: You've starred with some im- 
pressive actors, including Al Pacino and 
Marlon Brando. What did you learn 
from them? 

DEPP: I watched them like a hawk. I 
sponged as much of an education as I 
could. Ultimately it solidified what I al- 
ready knew from being a musician: Do 
what's right for you. Whether you're a 
musician, an actor, a painter or a writer, 
there's some degree of compromise in 
what you do, but don't compromise un- 
less you think it's right. Stick to your 
guns, no matter what. Don't let them 
step on your toes, man. 

PLAYBOY: And then there was Traci Lords 


in Cry-Baby. Is the former porn star a 
method actor? 

DEPP: I remember meeting her. I could 
sense she was a little bit protective of 
herself, wary of people. She was a little 
closed off in the beginning, but soon she 
was incredibly sweet and really profes- 
sional. Kind of adorable. I loved her, 
man. I love her to this day. 

PLAYBOY: These days how do you choose 
which movies to do? 

DEPP: I can tell in the first 10, 15 or 20 
pages of a script, sometimes in the first 
three pages. I can tell if it's something 
that’s going to be right. I start getting 
images in my head, then I start writ- 
ing things down. 

PLAYBOY: What are you looking for? 

DEP just want 
something differ- 
ent. I want to be 
surprised. I want 
something that 
doesn't feel formu- 
laic or beaten to 
death. For Secret 
Window, I read the 
script, and I loved 
it. The ending is 
great. I didn't see 
it coming. It's based 
on a Stephen King 
novella. It's ex- 
tremely well writ- 
ten. Even the screen 
direction is enter- 
taining: "Looks left, 
looks right, walks 
to the fridge, grabs 
a Cheeto and splits.” 
The story has a 
great twist. 
PLAYBOY: Is it true 
that you based your 
Pirates of the Carib- 
bean character, Cap- 
tain Jack, on Keith 
Richards? 

DEPP: And Pepe Le 
Pew. 

PLAYBOY: The car- 
toon? 

DEPP: Yeah. When 
I was a kid Pepe 
was one of those great Saturday morn- 
ing cartoons. Pepe is a French skunk 
who hops along, the most happy-go- 
lucky guy in the world. As he's hopping 
along, people are falling over from the 
stink, but he never notices. I always 
thought, What an amazing way to go 
through life. 

PLAYBOY: And why Keith Richards? 

DEPP: When I decided to do the movie I 
started thinking about pirates of the 
17th and 18th centuries. It came to me 
that the modern-day equivalent is a 
rock-and-roll star. 

PLAYBOY: How are they like pirates? 
DEPP: They live dangerously. They're 
wild and capable of anything, just like pi- 
rates. And once I made that connection, 


I thought, Who is the ultimate rock-and- 
roll star? Keith Richards. 

PLAYBOY: Do you know Richards? 

e been lucky enough to spend 
ith him over the years, and yes, I 
have gotten to know him. And he is kind 
of a pirate. For the movie, I didn't want 
to do an imitation of Keith, but I wanted 
to take the spirit of Keith, the beautiful, 
laid-back confidence. 

PLAYBOY: Since when do pirates wear all 
the makeup your character wears? 

DEPP: Actually, for a while Keith did. Bob 
Dylan did too in the 1970s. He went 
through a period when he wore dark 
kohl eyeliner. I looked into the kohl 
thing. It comes from the nomad tribes in 
the desert in Africa. It's protection for 


27 11 SPECIAL EDITIONS 


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the eyes from the sun. Football players 
use it for that today. And I took other 
stuff from Keith, too—things dangling 
in his hair, the beads. 

PLAYBOY: Richards isn't your only influ- 
ence. Apparently you based Ichabod 
Crane in Sleepy Hollow on Angela Lans- 
bury, and Ed Wood on Ronald Reagan. 
"They seem a strange sampling of choices. 
DEPP: Well, Angela Lansbury is an amaz- 
ing actress. I thought of Ichabod Crane 
asa very nervous, ultrasensitive prepu- 
bescent girl. That's where Angela Lans- 
bury came in. I thought of some of the 
work she's done over the years, espe- 
cially in Death on the Nile. 1 also based 
Ichabod a bit on Roddy McDowall, who 
was a very good friend. 


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PLAYBOY: And President Reagan? 
СЕРР: Ed Wood was based on Reagan, 
yes, but also on the Tin Man in The Wiz- 
ard of Oz. And Cascy Kasem. It was a 
weird little soup of those three. 
PLAYBOY: Why those three? 
DEPP: | remember watching Reagan 
make speeches. He had this kind of in- 
nocence and a naive, blind optimism— 
"Everything's going to be fine." You're 
like, “Well, it’s not! It's not going to 
be fine.” Jack Haley's performance as 
the Tin Man in The Wizard of Oz is one of 
the strangest I've ever seen. Watch that 
film and think abouta grown man giving 
that performance. It's really astounding 
PLAYBOY: What about Casey Kasem? 
DEPP: [Doing a Kasem impression] What 1 
always liked about 
Casey was that he 
had a delivery that 
was so upbeat. 
PLAYBOY: Are you 
the only actor who 
uses such weird in- 
spirations? 
DEPP: I don't know. 
Something happens 
to me when I'm 
reading a screen- 
play. I get these 
flashes, these quick 
images. 
PLAYBOY: You re- 
ceived some unfa- 
vorable press last 
year during the war 
in Iraq. You said 
that America is like 
a dumb puppy that. 
can bite and hurt 
you. Were you sur- 
prised by the re- 
action? 
DEPP: I would nev- 
er be disrespectful 
to my country, to 
the people, espe- 
cially the kids who 
are over there serv- 
ing in the armed 
forces. My uncle 
was wounded in 
Vietnam, paralyzed 
from the neck down. I would never say 
those things the way they claim I 
said them. 
PLAYBOY: What exactly did you say? 
DEPP: Í essentially said the United States 
is a very young country compared with 
Europe. We're still growing. That's it. I 
wouldn’t say anything anti-American. 
Im an American, and I love my country. 
PLAYBOY: What's your view of Presi- 
dent Bush? 
DEPP: What can I say? He's somebody's 
kid. He's somebody's father. God bless 
him. Good luck. You know what I mean? 
I don't agree with his politics, and I'm 
not going to pretend to, but I don't 
agree with a lot of people's politics. 
(continued on page 152) 


PLAYBOY 
P.O. Box 809 

Source Code 11507 
Itasca, IL 60143-0809 


(Sauroe Code 11507) or 


65 


ПИШИШИ PLAYBOY SPECIAL REPORT Imm 


THE EXCLUSIVE INSIDE STORY 
OF PRE BAPECO STEROIDS 
INVESTIGATION AND THE 
GOVERNMENT'S ATTEMPT TO 
BRING DOWN BARRY BONDS 


It's early June 2003. The man in the shades guides his black Pontiac Grand Prix down a side 
street near the 101 freeway. Overhead a jet on its final approach to San Francisco Interna- 
tional Airport roars in, nearly drowning out Tupac on the car stereo. In a single extended 
motion the man flips off the music and switches on a tiny black electronic device. 


He pulls into the parking lot of a colorless two-story ware- 
house draped with a banner for Bay Area Fitness. He's early 
enough to snare his favorite spot, right next to a Chevy SUV 
with tinted windows and the vanity plate w8 GURU. 

He leaves his shades on the dash, the thunder from the 
freeway hitting him when he opens the door. He's wearing 
gang-neutral colors—black sweats, black tee and black shoes 
(all Nike)—10 grand of gleaming gold on one wrist, a dia- 
mond ring and a $7,000 Rolex. Ronnie Gerald Allen doesn't 
do the locker room and doesn't carry a bag. He begins with 
chicken teriyaki in the gym's cafe, watching a bit of the box. 
At 11 A.M. he saunters through an open door into a body- 
builder's heaven and hell—a cavernous warehouse nearly 
as long as a football field and crammed with factory-style 
tows of barbells and machines. Massive steel roll-down doors 
pass for windows, and black rubber mats pass for a floor. 

Greg Anderson, San Francisco Giants superstar Barry 
Bonds's personal trainer and the guy with the w8 curu vanity 
plate, awaits him. Anderson doesn't look like much—he's 
short and squat, with cropped brown hair and a dimpled chin. 
His long sleeves and sweats make it hard to gauge his bulk. 
He starts off with Ronnie by targeting his shoulders, requiring 
four subtle movements—more than 40 reps—just for one 
major muscle group. Anderson insists they execute each lift at 
an excruciatingly slow pace—10 seconds so demanding that 
by the end of a 10-rep set the trainer is cradling Ronnie's 
shaking triceps, helping him finish. After a ferocious round of 
weights and sit-ups, it's upstairs onto the treadmill for a 45- 
minute slog and then another 45-minute churn on the bike. 

“Good workout,” Anderson tells the sweat-drenched Ron- 
nie. “We're going to hit it hard tomorrow.” 

Ronnie can barely think about tomorrow. The week's work- 
outs have taken their toll—on his way out he grabs at a 
twinge deep inside his shoulder that feels like a torn muscle. 
But there's no stopping now, because Ronnie G. is on a mis- 
sion. He is actually Iran White, a top undercover cop sure 
that he's about to crack the biggest case of his career. He has 
worn a wire and kept a Glock stuffed in his waistband for two 
months, all in a daring attempt to get close to Anderson and, 
ultimately, to Bonds himself. White is armed because he's 
looking for juice: He's on a hunt for steroids. 


That evening White has a headache he can't shake. His 
wife nods off, but White sits up in bed watching television, 
his gun on the nightstand. On the wall hangs a photo of him 
with fellow agents posing in front of a light armored vehicle 
used to ram a drug dealer's gate. He stares at it as the hours 
pass. Sometime in the early moming he feels a chill go up his 
spine. Then he has trouble breathing, as if someone has 
punched him in the chest. He tries to sit up, but his right side 
won't cooperate. He shakes his wife awake and barely gets 
the words cut. “Call 911," he says, his eyes full of despair 
and surprise. “I think I'm having a heart attack.” 

The words tumble out like pieces in a jigsaw puzzle. I'm 
dying, he thinks. Then something worse: / can't move. I can't 
talk—I'm paralyzed. 


A FEDERAL CASE 
This is the story behind the investigation into the illegal drug 
habits of elite athletes and a company known as BALCO (Bay 
Area Lab Cooperative)—a landmark case that Agent White 


Barry Bonds's legendary workout regimen transformed his body. 


68 


GOING DEEP, FROM LEFT: UNDERCOVER 
AGENT IRAN WHITE, FEBRUARY 14, 2004; 
VICTOR CONTE, HAWKING HIS WONDER 
SUPPLEMENT, ZMA; GREG ANDERSON 
AND BARRY BONDS WORKING OUT ON 
AUGUST S, 2002 AS BONDS CLOSED IN 
ON HIS 600TH CAREER HOME RUN. 


helped build from the ground up. The BALCO case would even- 
tually attract the highest levels of government. In February 2004 
the top lawman in the country, Attorney General John Ashcroft, 
announced the indictment of four men—including trainer Greg 
Anderson and BALCO founder Victor Conte—for money laun- 
dering, possession of human growth hormone and conspiracy 
to distribute steroids. Accompanying the indictment was a 52- 
page affidavit backing up the charge that BALCO had been sup- 
plying performance-enhancing 
drugs to professional athletes. 

A month earlier President 
Bush had attacked steroid 
use as a plague upon the 
land in his State of the Union 


= San Francisco Chronicle 


instant success working undercover with Stanford's depart- 
ment of public safety and the Santa Clara sheriff’s office and 
was soon recruited by the BNE. Few undercover assignments 
exceed two or three years, but White had been assuming iden- 
tities and upending drug dealers since 1987. He could play 
the thug or the suave dealer, and he intimidated people with. 
his strength and his martial arts skills. What kept him alive 
was his uncanny ability to act cool at the point of a gun. 
White worked crack, heroin 
and meth cases with drug 
task forces and did 10 major 
operations with the FBI. He 
talked a drug lord into front- 
ing him 20 pounds of meth 


speech—a huge gesture in a U .S. 
campaign year. Combining 

federal, state and local au- 
thorities, the BALCO investi- 
gation was unprecedented in. 
Size and scope. So too was its 1 


Drug ring aided top jocks 


tors found awas 


evidence trme n firm garbage & 


with no money down. He also 
teamed with U.S. Customs 
and the Drug Enforcement 
‚Administration. In 1997 the 
FBI drafted him to bust a ring 
of computer-chip hijackers 


pes Es: 2 of 4 indicted hove 
‘doe links to Giants superstar 


focus—not addicts or dealers 
on the streets but some of the 


led by a gang of Crips. On 
that case White teamed with 


biggest names in pro sports, 
including Boncs. 

Few people, even in law 
enforcement, know of Iran White's existence. He has never 
before spoken to the media about Bonds and BALCO. This 
article is based on extensive interviews with White, the 
case's key undercover man, and on more than 60 interviews 
with dozens of sources during six months of reporting, from 
which a picture emerges of how the government assembled 
its case against BALCO, Conte and Anderson. It's the story of 
a highly motivated IRS agent who, according to White, was 
determined to expose the home run king as a cheater. It's a 
story that strikes at the heart of American athletics, with 
twists and turns compounded by the intersection of fate and 
human failings. And it's a story thet marks a turning point in 
how we judge record-setting celebrities whose exploits, atti- 
tudes and bodies defy logic. 


GOING UNDER 
California's Bureau of Narcotics Enforcement, or BNE, is one 
of the country's oldest and most respected drug agencies, 
ideal for a talented cop like Iran White. He came of age in the 
war zone of north St. Louis, where his mom had bought him 
martial arts lessons. After moving to California he became an 


Laen EXCHANGE VOWS ON HIS]oe 7 т 
— 


an IRS agent named Jeff 
Novitzky, and they grew 
friendly. No paper pusher, 
Novitzky was part of the agency's Criminal Investigation group, 
a position that allowed him freedom and leeway in choosing 
assignments. He was respected for his persistence and his sig- 
nature move—rifling suspects trash for evidence. 

The hijackers' prosecution lasted nearly two years, running 
through 2000, and White met with Novitzky several times at 
court hearings. Novitzky had played basketball in college, and 
he and White, another ex-jock, who had run the 100 in under 
10 seconds as a teen in Palo Alto, passed the time by talking 
sports. Novitzky, assigned to the San Jose IRS office, belonged 
to Bay Area Fitness in Burlingame and often saw Anderson and 
Bonds there. He told White he was astonished by Bonds's 
seemingly unnatural size and strength. 

To White, Novitzky—who did not participate in this arti- 
cle—seemed to have an unusual interest in the ballplayer. He 
mentioned Bonds frequently after a sighting or a Giants 
game. One day at court Novitzky struck up a conversation 
with White that went beyond the usual talk-radio banter. 

“That Bonds. He's a great athlete," White says Novitzky 
told him. "You think he's on steroids?" 

White took a moment before replying, in his bourbon-and- 


cotton voice, “I think they're all on steroids. All of our top 
major leaguers.” 

Novitzky seemed to care only about Bonds. "He's such an 
asshole to the press," he said. “I'd sure like to prove it.” 

To the average fan, cheating in sports is worse than lying in 
politics. To men who believe in law and order it's particularly 
galling. Bonds's possible steroid use became a frequent topic 
of conversation between the tax man and the undercover agent 
during the next two years. They were hardly alone. Bonds was 
the major sports celebrity in San Francisco, the high-flying, in- 
your-face $90 million man; whether he used steroids had 
become a local obsession. By 2000 Bonds, after embarking on 
a strength-training program under Greg Anderson at Bay Area 
Fitness, was putting up some ofthe best numbers of his career. 
He looked as if he had added 25 pounds of pure muscle since 
his rookie year. Something didn't seem right. 

Novitzky began to make formal requests to put White under- 
cover on a steroid case that involved Bonds’s associates. 
White's superiors resisted; their urit focused on street nar- 
cotics that were more dangerous than Schedule III drugs such 
as steroids, which carried low penalties and got scant atten- 
tion for a bust. But Novitzky persevered. He had been given 
information from a three-year probe by the San Mateo Drug 
Task Force on allegations of steroid distribution from Bay Area 
Fitness. He had also gathered intelligence on the business 
practices of a sports-medicine lab called BALCO, which 
Bonds had used since the winter of 2000. Inspired, Novitzky 
continued to apply pressure. 

His politicking paid off. Novitzky's appeals to senior BNE 
men, federal prosecutors and his own bosses—always with 
Bonds as the lure—culminated in a deal for a complicated 
sting operation involving agencies at the federal, state and 
local levels. By February 2003 White's superiors had given 
the green light. White was handed a new identity and a new. 
driver's license. He began to hit the iron in preparation, bring- 
ing his compact five-foot-seven frame up to a muscular 200 
pounds. He was going undercover. This would be the 46-year- 
old agent's final case, and he was determined to make it work. 


To the average fan, cheating 
in sports is worse than lying 
in politics. To cops it's 
particularly galling. 


OUTLAW, LEGALIZE OR 


LOOK THE OTHER WAY? 
THE STRAIGHT DOPE ON HOW MAJOR 
SPORTS DEAL WITH DRUGS 


MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL 
SUBSTANCES; The league lists 27 banned steroids, but until 
recently it focused on recreational drugs such as cocaine and LSD. 
TESTING: Last season the league tested all players for steroids for 
the first time (the test could not detect THG, however). If overall use 
had been found to be below five percent, testing would have been 
suspended. But five to seven percent of the players tested positive. 
CONSEQUENCES: The first positive test result for steroids places 
a player on a "clinical track," according to the league's Joint Drug 
Prevention and Treatment Program. Penalties for subsequent 
infractions involve some discretion on the part of league officials. 
Generally a player faces a one-year suspension or a $100,000 
fine efter five positive tests. Suspensions are unpaid. 


NATIONAL BASKETBALL ASSOCIATION 
SUBSTANCES: The league has a separate (and fairly lenient) 
penalty for marijuana use. The penalties are much harsher for 
steroids, as well as for cocaine, PCP, speed, LSD and opiates. 
TESTING: Veteran players can be subjected to testing once a year, 
during training camp or the first 15 days with a team. Rookies are 
subject to a slightly more rigorous regime. 

CONSEQUENCES: One positive test for recreational drugs (except 
marijuana) results in disqualification for no less than two years 
(one for rookies); the first positive test for steroids brings a five- 
game suspension, the second a 10-day suspension and the third 
а 25-day suspension. Pot use? The first positive means treatment, 
the second a $15,000 fine and the third a five-game suspension. 


NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE 
SUBSTANCES: There have been several high-profile steroids 
cases, including ones involving Bill Romanowski and three other 
Raiders who tested positive for THG. Steroids, growth hormones, 
ephedrine, stimulants and masking agents are all banned, but the 
cat-and-mouse game continues. 

TESTING: All players are tested at least once a year. Random tests 
are conducted weekly during the season and periodically during 
the off-season. The league can also test players who've had prior 
infractions or who exhibit behavioral evidence of steroid use. 

CONSEQUENCES: The first failure results in a four-game suspension, 
the second in a six-game suspension and the third in a minimum one- 
year suspension. Players are not paid during drug suspensions. 


NATIONAL HOCKEY LEAGUE 
SUBSTANCES: The league does not maintain a list of banned 
‘substances. 

TESTING: None. "It's not part of the collective-bergaining agree- 
ment," says the NHL. That agreement is up in September, and 
some sort of drug policy may be part of the negotiations for a new 
agreement with players. 

CONSEQUENCES: There is “no chapter and verse,” according to 
a league spokesman. Drug use is addressed through an employee 
assistance program, which focuses less on performance 
enhancers than on helping players deal with alcohol, recreational 
drugs and emotional or mental problems. Players can enter the 
program voluntarily or at the request of team doctors. 


OLYMPICS 

SUBSTANCES: The most notorious are human growth hormones 
(think East Germany) and steroids (Ben Johnson's juiced 1988 
gold medal 100-meter run), but the banned list includes stimu- 
lanis, anti-inflammatories and masking agents. Five world-class 
track-and-field athletes were implicated in the BALCO THG scandal. 
TESTING: Testing is complicated by being conducted by many 
different bodies, including national—rather than international— 
agencies that don't want to see their athletes disqualified. 
CONSEQUENCES: Nearly all Olympic sports’ governing bodies 
have signed on with the World Anti-Doping Agency's landmark 
guidelines, which enforce a two-year ban for any athlete who tests 
Positive for listed substances. 


69 


70 


ABOVE, SUPER ATHLETES MAKE THEIR 
WAY TO THE GRAND JURY: JASON 
GIAMBI, BILL ROMANOWSKI AND MARION 
JONES. RIGHT: DR. DON CATLIN, THE 
ANTI-DOPING SLEUTH WHO CRACKED 
THG'S CODE. BELOW: THE JUNE 2003 
ISSUE OF MUSCLE AND FITNESS. 


THE CHEATERS 
Ever since the East German women's swim team used a 
spectrometer to evade steroid detection in 1976, a black- 
market network of coaches, chemists and athletes has 
developed to facilitate doping at the highest levels of sports. 
In this high-tech cat-and-mouse game, the stakes get big- 
ger every year. The goal for dopers is simple: improved per- 
formance without getting caught. This basic premise has 
driven Cheaters to search for new designer drugs and mask- 
ing agents that will help them avoid detection. And their 
resources—fueled by ever-inflating salaries—are consider- 
ably greater than those of the scientists trying to catch them. 

The archenemy of the elite 
American sports doper is the 
United States Anti-Doping Agen- 
cy; based in Colorado Springs, 
Colorado, the USADA is charged 
with drug testing, research and 
adjudication for U.S. Olymp- 
ians and other top athletes 
Until the BALCO case, the most 
athletes had to fear was the 
humiliating loss of their reputa- 
tion and income. Governance 
came from within the sport it- 
self and was open to second 
guessing by players’ unions 
and international bodies—and 
the penalties were rarely severe 
(see sidebar, previous page). 

Signs of cheating abound in 
baseball. Dr. Charles Yesalis, a 
Penn State University epidemiologist and the nation’s top 
expert on the subject, calls steroid use in the major leagues 
an epidemic. Steroids build larger muscles, but they are also 
believed to create strain on ligaments and joints, increasing 
the risk of such injuries as hamstring and rotator-cuff tears. 
From 1997 through 2001 the total number of days players 
spent on the disabled list increased by 20 percent, leading to 
the adage that there are now three major leagues in base- 
ball: the AL, the NL and the DL. Though he later backed 
down, former MVP and admitted steroid user Ken Caminiti 
once claimed that at least half of the bigs were doping. 

After Canadian sprinter Ben Johnson was stripped of his 
1988 Olympic gold medal for testing positive for the steroid 
stanozolol, Congress passed the Anabolic Steroids Control 
Act. It enacted more stringent controls and serious criminal 


penalties—five years for possession and intent to distrib- 
ute—for steroids and human growth hormone, and it estab- 
lished them as Schedule 111 drugs. Even so, government 
agencies have never considered steroids a priority. The only 
headlines since the act was passed involved two low-profile 
NFL players swept up ina 1992 Atlanta steroids ring and a 
failed 1994 attempt to prosecute a weak case against Vince 
McMahon for allegedly distributing steroids to WWF 
wrestiers. Until now the government has turned a blind eye 
to steroids, despite their long-term and short-term risks, and 
has never truly monitored their spread. 

Iran White and Jeff Novitzky had no idea what they were 

about to turn up. 


THE TRAINER 
White opens a dossier to a 
Department of Motor Vehi- 
cles photo of a smiling Greg 
Anderson. “This is the guy,” 
says a fellow agent on the drug 
task force. “He lives at the 
gym. He's pals with Bonds." 

White and three other 
agents are meetingat a crowc- 
ed office on the San Francisco 
peninsula. The date is April 
17, 2003, and White is about 
to go under. Considerable re- 
sources have been assemblec: 
Jeff Nedrow, an assistant U.S. 
attorney, has been assigned to 
head a complex multiagency 
investigation. White has been lucky while working with Nedrow 
before; he feels good about his selection. At the federal level 
Novitzky will handle an IRS support network and direct the 
operation. He has already enlisted Dr. Don Catlin, the doping 
expert who heads UCLA's Olympic Analytical Laboratory, the 
premier testing lab in the nation. Dr. Catlin has given Novitzky a 
primer on steroids and drug cheating. White represents the 
statewide BNE, and local law enforcement will complement 
his work. The core group of investigative agents will remain 
small and secretive. Their goal: to infiltrate BALCO and Bay 
Area Fitness, find out if Bonds is taking steroids and, if he is, 
discover how he's been beating the system. 

Agents hand White $300 to open a six-month gym member- 
ship and give him an electronic wire to record Anderson and 
other suspects. He nates Anderson's (continued on page 78) 


"I've heard it called many things...but never an hors d'oeuvre!" 


72 


A TRIBUTE TO PHOTOGRAPHY’S KING OF KINK 


Y" 
TO 


W. Helmut Newton was shooting 


fashion for Italian Vogue or the famous for PLAYBOY, 
his photographs were always edgy, unpredictable 
and uncompromisingly erotic. His death in a car 
accident early this year at the age of 83 represents 
the loss of one of the world's great visual stylists. 
Born in Berlin, Newton bought his first camera at 
the age cf 12. His taste in women was influenced 
by the Prussian maids who worked in his family's 
prosperous household. He fled the Nazis as a 
teenager, landing in Australia via Singapore. There 
he acquired a down under accent, but his view of 
the world, and of women, remained profoundly 
Germanic. Fashion magazines in Europe and the 
United States began publishing Newton's work in 
the 1950s. His signature images of statuesque 
models clad in leather and high heels were sensu- 
Ous, sometimes decadent, often criticized by femi- 
nists and widely emulated by other photographers. 
Newton's fascination with photographing beautiful 
women led him to PLAvBov, where his work first 
appeared in the mid-1970s. Actresses Charlotte 
Rampling, Debra Winger and Nastassia Kinski, and 
supermodels Grace Jones and Carla Bruni all posed 
for his lens. But his favorite PLAYBOY subjects were 
Playmates, shot not in the typical Centerfold style but 
in highly charged and unconventional settings. As 
Newton would wryly remark on accepting an assign- 
ment, "Let's try something a little kinky this time" 


“MY JOB AS A PORTRAIT PHOTOGRAPHER IS TO SEDUCE, AMUSE AND ENTERTAIN." 


“YOU SHOULD FEEL THAT, UNDER THE RIGHT CONDITIONS, 
ALL WOMEN WOULD BE AVAILABLE." 


PLAYBOY 


78 


THE BIG GUY onina fon page 70) 


When a reporter asked about steroids, Bonds replied, 
“You can test me and solve that problem real quick.” 


1966 birth date—making him 37—and 
shakes his head at his 225 pounds. "He 
looks like a big boy,” White says. 
Anderson's role in beefing up 
Bonds has been known since the 2001 
season. After breaking the home run 
record, the superstar thanked his 
trainer before a packed stadium. If 
you want Bonds, the agents reason, 
start with Anderson. Three years ear- 
lier small busts in San Mateo revealed 
that individuals were selling steroids 
out of Bay Area Fitness. If Anderson is 
supplying Bonds, agents conjecture, 
he is getting the drugs from another 
Burlingame operation—BALCO. 
White's supervisor points to a photo 
of a trim, proud man with a receding 
hairline: Victor Conte. “This guy is the 
owner of BALCO. We think he's the guy 
supplying the steroids.” White scans 
head shots of the gym’s owner and the 
front-desk girl as he gets the rundown. 
The empire of the 53-year-old Conte 
consists of two parts: a medical testing 
lab for athletes, BALCO; and a nutri- 
tional-supplement company, SNAC, 
which licenses and markets a vitamin 
supplement called ZMA. (Apparently 
litle more than zinc, magnesium and 
B6, it sells for $25 a bottle.) According to 
his website, Conte, a former musician 
with no formal training in chemistry, 
began offering athletes blood-test analy- 
ses in 1984. Using an “inductively cou- 
pled plasma spectrometer,” he claims he 
can study the mineral levels in elite 
competitors’ blood and theorizes that 
“magnesium supplementation” might 
significantly improve athletic perfor- 
mance. Conte also claims to do mineral 
analysis and custom nutritional supple- 
mentation for Olympic sprinters Tim 
Montgomery and Marion Jones. Bill 
Romanowski, the notoriously violent 
Oakland Raider, was one fan of the pop- 
ular ZMA. (Conte later tells the San 
Francisco Chronicle that SNAC earned 
$10 million over the years from the sale 
and licensing of ZMA.) 
To White it sounds like quackery. 
The specter of steroids hovers above 
Conte. One of his prominent clients, 
Olympic shot-putter C.J. Hunter (then 
married to Marion Jones), flunked 
tests for the steroid nandrolone at the 
2000 Sydney games, and Conte rushed 
to his defense. During a 1999 prescrip- 
tion-drug probe in Colorado, Ro- 
manowski's wife claimed that BALCO 
had given him human growth hor- 
mone (she later said she meant ZMA). 


Conte, who took on Barry Bonds as a 
client the winter before Bonds's huge 
2001 season, uses his website to claim 
that ZMA helped the slugger shatter 
Mark McGwire's single-season home 
run record with 73. And then there is 
Barry Bonds, who does things unheard 
of for a 37-year-old, belting homers 
farther and more often than he ever 
had before. The payoff is huge: In 
2002 the Giants signed Bonds at double 
his previous yearly rate—$90 million, 
spread over five years. He responded 
to the suspicions about him with pure 
arrogance. When a Sporting News re- 
porter asked about steroids, Bonds 
replied, “You can test me and solve that 
problem real quick.” 

A few weeks after the April 17 meet- 
ing, White, Novitzky and a handful of 
other agents meet at the San Jose Fed- 
eral building. According to White, 
Novitzky names Bonds, Jason Giaml 
and other major leaguers as targets of 
the investigation, Cracking down on 
BALCO just for money laundering 
would neyer merit such energy from 
law enforcement, but a connection to 
Bonds would launch it into headlines 
around the country. Prosecutor Nedrow 
sets the tone. “Gendemen, this case is 
going to have to be done by the num- 
bers,” he says. “With all of the attor- 
neys and the athletes, everything and 
everybody will be under scrutiny.” 


FREAK SCENE 


Within minutes of walking into Bay 
Area Fitness, White has concerns. The 
local police academy sends its recruits 
to the gym, and it's not unusual to see 
20 or more of them there. One inno- 
cent wave could blow his cover. 

During his first few trips, however, 
White doesn’t run into any familiar 
cops. It isn't hard to spot Anderson. 
Seven or eight pumped-up roid boys 
hover around him. Their exaggerated 
grunting, squared-off chins and pre- 
mature baldness betray signs of too 
much testosterone. They all cater to 
Anderson, and just like their guru, 
they are sheathed in sweats. They hang 
on his every word. 

White goes about his business, wait- 
ing for a natural opening. The perfect 
opportunity comes as he's eating his 
pre-workout meal of chicken teriyaki. 
Anderson walks in, trailed by a wom- 
an nervously probing him about her 
exercise routine. White decides to 
make his move. 


“You must be a trainer here,” White 
says, rising from the table. “You sound 
like you really know what you're talk- 
ing about.” 

The opening line takes. He talks eas- 
ily for a bit before he makes his pitch. 

“If it's okay, I'm going to come and 
ask you for help,” he says, “just to 
tweak my workout.” 

“No problem,” says the trainer. “Any- 
time.” 

It's only a matter of weeks before he 
gets tight with Anderson. White 
doesn't push it. The next three times 
he sees Anderson he just casually 
waves. Before long Anderson flaunts 
his connection to Bonds. 

“I'm not here certain times," the 
trainer says as he helps load iron. "I'm 
not here when there's a game. Um 
gone for an hour or two." 

"Why?" asks White. 

“I train a professional athlete.” 

“Who?” 

“The big guy.” 

“You mean Bonds?” 

Anderson just smiles and shrugs his 
bulky shoulders. 

“Shit, you're pretty heavy.” 


‘THE BALCO CONNECTION 


Anderson isn’t the only suspect being 
watched. The IRS has a court-ordered 
tap on Victor Conte's e-mail. BALCO's 
founder corresponds with an A-list of 
international sports stars and coaches 
who are surprisingly transparent about 
their involvement with performance- 
enhancing drugs. Some professional 
athletes ask Conte relatively straight- 
forward questions about supplements 
but then suddenly turn secretive. 
Romanowski openly e-mails Conte 
about his vitamins. "Then it would get 
vague," says an agent. “He'd shift 
gears." Some of the players use single 
letters such as L, C and S as substitutes 
for drug names. 

The c-mail contains rumors about 
new doping tests in track and field. In 
one e-mail to an elite track coach, Conte 
lays out how testers caught wind of. 
athletes cheating with norbolethone, 
a never-marketed steroid from the 
1960s. Conte tells the coach not to wor- 
ry: "We already have a new one we're 
working on that should be available in 
a couple of months." Conte's commu- 
nications to track stars and coaches in- 
clude schedules for when athletes 
should take certain substances. Conte 
and the athletes speak of cream, a tra- 
ditional steroid rubbed on muscles and 
joints, and a liquid drug called clear. In 
an e-mail to a top track athlete Conte 
declares, "Cream is the safest form to 
use, because it will not cause a spike in 
the testosterone level." Chances are 
that Conte's cream is cut with a masking 

(continued on page 142) 


"I can't tell what they're selling." 


78 


80 


everyone melting inta an evening soaked with 
potential. We've saddled up in a for corner. You 
might say we're here on business. 

ke many of tonight's patrons, we've come to 
visit the bartender. Eben Klemm is the current It 
guy among a new wave of mixologists who 
approach the art of intoxication the way painters 
look at canvases. Traditionally bartenders have 
had outsize persanalities defined by shawman- 
ship. The new generation—five of wham we 
serve up on the follawing pages—are true schol- 
ars of libation, serious-minded mixers intent an 
creating tomarrow's martini. 

А 33-year-old former MIT grad student in mol- 
ecular biology, Klemm is the mad scientist af 
mixology, known for experimenting with strange, 
food-based ingredients. Habanero peppers, 
tamarind, Pop Rocks—nothing is off-limits. As the 


It’s Tuesday night at the Blue Water Grill, a swank New York 
nightspot housed in a lofty 19th century bank building, and 
a crowd has gathered around the capper bar—lusters of 
moneyed suits, Prada-clad babes, a few downtown punks, 


Stonefruit Sling 

1 ounce gold rum 

ounce cherry brandy 

У ounce peach schnapps 
% ounce fresh lime juice 
X ounce apricot puree 

1 dash 7UP 


Shake the alcohol and lime 
with ice, and pour over ice 
in a rocks glass. 

Pour the apricot and 

soda over the top. 


AS YOU SIT THERE 
CLUTCHING YOUR 
FAVORITE DRINK— 
THE SAME ONE 

YOU HAD LAST 

NIGHT AND THE 
NIGHT BEFORE THAT— 
A NEW GENERATION 
OF YOUNG MIX 
MASTERS IS HARD AT 
WORK, STIRRING 

UP THE ICONIC 
COCKTAILS OF THE 
FUTURE. HERE'S A 
TASTE OF WHAT 
THEY'VE GOT 

ON THE MENU 


By JAIME WOLF 


head drink innovator for a company called B.R. Guest, he hos cre- 
ated menus for hat spots in New York and Las Vegas, as well os 
the new James Hotel in Scottsdale, Arizona. Our thought: With 
all that hype behind him, these cocktails had better be good. 


One by one Klemm begins to push them our 
way. His version of a calvados manhattan hits 
the spot. His clouds aver hovana is a cuba libre, 
but the foam on top—the "clouds"—isn't fram 
the cola. It’s actually the essence af а mojito, 
sweet and scur flavors that get washed away by 
the cold rum and Coke beneath. The james is a 
vodka drink served in a frozen cocktail glass 
dipped in a blue-raspberry ice-cream-cane 
sauce, which instantly hardens around the rim. 
"Maybe it's a fruity little bitch drink,” Klemm 
says, a bit defensively. “But its history is sound.” 

By the end of the night we've discovered what 
all the buzz is about. Some of these drinks are 
fantastic; others are bizarre. Not one of them is 
boring. Wanna taste? Here's a Klemm concoctian 
you can whip up at home—the stonefruit sling 
(pictured above, in his hand). Down the hatch. 


PHOTOGRAPHY EY CHUCK BAKER 


FOR THE BLUES 


M arco Dionysos was born to be o bar- 
tender. The sure-handed 34-yeor-old 
shares a name with the Greek god of intox- 
ication. (We'd hardly blome you for doubt- 
ing that Dionysos is his reol name, but it 
is—we saw the birth certificate.) 

A native Californion, Dionysos wields the 
silver shokers at Harry Denton's Starlight 
Room in San Froncisco, c bastion of roman- 
fic retro chic on the 21st floor of the Sir Fran- 
cis Drake Hotel. Buthe came of age working 
in Portland, Oregon near the legendary 
Powell's bookstore, from which he built his 
library of vintoge bartending guides. Studying them, he began modifying 
some neglected classics and building c repertoire of new drinks that pay 
respects to the richness of cocktail his- _ шас е * 
tory. His ginger rogers, a tweak of ап | 
old rum drink реи ino tla book, | The Cunningham 
is now o popular sipper all over San | ,, 

Francisco. “It’s a mojito, backwards | 1 ounces scotch whiskey 
and in high heels,” he explains. Sort of. | # ounce fresh lemon juice 

Dionysos conceived the cunningham | X ounce orange juice 


(efi os atribute to Scottish fiddler John- | ounce Benedictine 
ny Cunningham, who reputedly played | y ounce Chambord or cherry 


so fast that “only dogs could hear him.” 
When Cunningham died last December, liqueur. 

the last drink to have passed his lips | 

сеза ла Ponos E that Shake well and strain 
ingredient to the liquor of Cunning- i ill il 
Һот? homelend (scotch), incorporating | кеси 
notes of cherry and lemon. The result: o | 8185 Garnis 
smoky, wistful blend, like Cunningham's | With abrandied or 
playing, equal parts melancholy and joy. | maraschino cherry 


FOR DERBY DAY 


great cocktail should do more than give 

you a buzz," says Julie Reiner, part own- 
er of New York's lush 1920s-style Flatiron 
Lounge. “It should lift you up and take you 
someplace.” A perfect martini, she says, can 
make you feel as though you're at the bar of 
the Algonquin Hotel circa the late 1930s. 
Her own creations, however, set a scene in 
the South Pacific—like Trader Vic's tiki cul- 
ture without the cheese factor. 

If you accept that a bartender can be a 
genuine ortist (on eosy argument to swallow 
after you've had a few), then Reiner is the 
Gauguin of the bunch. She was born and raised in Hawaii, ond the islonds 
remain her touchstone. While she has worked to perfect her renditions of 
the clossics, her own creations feature 
guava, kiwi, hibiscus flower, youngberry, | 
a variety of exotic tens and some other | Mint Jules 
stuff you've never heard of. She dreams 3 lime si 
up her drinks in the Flatiron's basement | $limeslices 
lab (the lost time we dropped in, she | 10mintleaves 
was making fresh ginger beer). Among | 2% ounces Maker's Mark bourbon 
her signature intoxicants is the juniper | 1 ounce simple syrup (equal parts 


breeze, a stiff gin drink that inspires an | Sugar and water boiled and cooled) 

overwhelming desire to put on c : 

bathing suit and dive off her bar. Ww" 
“| get people addicted to drinks you | Muddle lime slices with mint leaves 

can't get anywhere else," Reiner soys. in a shaker. Add bourbon, syrup and 

Ce Sn Ме renee another dash of lime. Shake with 

о steal a secret from her playbook—a ë 

twist on the mint julep, the official drink | ice, and strain into a chilled 

of the Kentucky Derby, which runs this | cocktail glass. Top with soda, and 

month. She calls it the mint jules (left). | garnish with fresh mint. 


8l 


FOR HIGH ROLLERS 


hen Las Vegas casina mogul Steve 

Wynn began constructing the $1.7 bil- 
lion Bellagio, he planned to create “the 
most ambitious and elegont resort ever 
built in any century on any continent.” 
Guests would be treated ta the finest artis- 
tic masterpieces (Picasso, Renair, Matisse), 
restaurants (Le Cirque, Olives)—you name 
it. When the time came to hire a head bar- 
tender who could be trusted to properly 
lubricate the resort's ultra-indulgent crowd, 
Wynn and company plucked Tony Abau- 
Ganim from Harry Denton's Starlight Room 


(where Marco Dionysos now works—see the previous page) 
A stickler for precise measurement, fresh-squeezed juices and high- 


quality ingredients, Abau-Ganim de- 
signed menus for the Bellagio's 29 bors 
with a fifty-fifty balance of classics and 
original creations. When dreaming up 
new concoctions, "I always stort with 
the base spirit,” he explains. “It should 
always come through, and flavors 
should complement it, not cover it up.” 

The stocky 43-year-old recently left 
ihe Bellagio to act as o “beverage 
consultant.” But his genius lives an. Of 
all his drinks, the cable car (left) has 
gained the biggest following. A simple 
blend of three ingredients and a bit of 
gomish, it coptures the essence of Vegos 
in a chilled cocktail glass—golden- 
hued, extravagant and incredibly dan- 
gerous if you overindulge. 


FOR LUBING 


othing gets o woman to let her 

guard down quite like the right 
cocktail. Properly executed with a dash 
of sweetness, it’s seductian in a glass. 

Tony Coniglioro specializes in rich 
drinks that can sometimes be mistok- 
en for desserts—such as his elegonte 
(vodka with lemon sorbet and same 
other things, pictured left). The head 
borman at Londan's hyperfoshionable 
Shumi (co-owned by Roger Moore's 
son Geoffrey), Coniglioro hos been 
colled on alchemist by the British 
press. While all the bartenders in this 
story have taken o cue from trends in 
haute cuisine, Conigliaro hos made it 
his raison d'étre, regulorly raiding 
high-end cookbooks and the warld's 
finest restaurants for inspiration. He'll 
coramelize lemon and add it to 
tequila and incorporote licorice in a 
whiskey sour. The inspirotion to heat 
and cambine fruits (blackberry and 
apple, for example) led ta a series af 
acclaimed, envelape-pushing bellinis, 
redefining the traditianal champagne 
cocktail—a quintessential love pation. 
“You can get fruits and cook them ot 
home," Conigliaro says. “It’s nat rock- 
et science." 

Of all the drinks on his menu, the 
coffee sazerac (right) cought cur eye. 
And the courteous alchemist was kind 
enough to cough up the recipe. 


The Cable Car 


1% ounces spiced rum 

3 ounce orange curagao 

1% ounces fresh sour (2 parts 
fresh-squeezed lemon juice, 1 
part simple syrup [see mint jules 
for syrup recipe]; you can also 
buy sour mix in most liquor stores) 


Rima chilled cocktail glass in a bit of 
cinnamon sugar. Shake ingredients 
with ice, and strain into the glass. 
Garnish with a piece of orange peel. 


HER UP 


Coffee Sazerac 


4 parts rye whiskey (Jim Beam 
yellow label is readily available) 

1 part simple syrup (see mint jules 
for recipe) 

1 dash coffee liqueur 

1 dash dark cacao liqueur 

1 dash Angostura bitters 


Shake ingredients with ice, 
and strain into 
an empty rocks glass. 


APPS MIXE DITUE 


The problem with most bartenders these days? They don't know how to make drinks. A toast to some of today’s greatest 


MANHATTAN 


1 ounce rye whiskey 

2 ounces sweet Italian 
vermouth 

3 dashes Angostura bitters 

2 dashes curaçao 


Shake with ice, strain into 
a wineglass, and garnish 
with a slice of lemon. 


DAIQUIRI #1 


2 (okay, 4) ounces white 


rum 
1 (not heaping!) 
teaspoon sugar 
Juice of half a lime 


Shake with crushed 
ice (you want it really 
cold) and strain into. 
a cocktail glass. 
Garnish with a thin 
lime slice. 


cocktoils, os they were originally mixed by the mosters themselves 


It's a cold winter day, circa 1882. You 
walk into a saloon to warm up— not just 
any saloon but the Thomas's Exchange, 
one of the most famous in New York. 
Behind the bar a stout man with a han- 
lebar mustache and two pet rats on his 
shoulder is holding court—Jerry “the 
Professor" Thomas, the world's first su- 
perstar bartender, a man as revered for 
his talents as were most statesmen of 
the day. You've glanced at his book— 
How to Mix Drinks, or the Bon-Vivant's 
Companion, the first cocktail bible pub- 
lished in America—and chosen the 
manhattan (named for the renowned 
Manhattan Club), one of the Professor's 
signature drinks. As he works his magic. 
you zero in on those pet rats, and the 
thought hits you: Jesus, just how clean is 
this place, anyway? But once you taste 
the thing. you don't give a shit. 

Forget the maraschino cherry— 
you don't need it. pal. The original 
recipe calls for a 
lemon slice and 
lots of vermouth. 
You'll need two to 
get the job done. 


‘Some guys cringe 
at the mention of 
this cocktail, as 
if the word itself 
were an affront to 
masculinity. Fact is, the daiquiri as 

it's meant to be poured is a shrine to 

manly indulgence. A word to all bar- >“ 
tenders: This drink should never glow in 
the dark, nor should it be served dressed 
ina tutu. Its secret? Simplicity. 

‘An American named Jennings Cox in- 
vented the daiquiri, naming it after the 
Cuban town where he concocted the first 
‘one in the 1890s. But bartender Constan- 
tino Ribalaigua perfected it at a Havana 
joint called El Floridita, later known as 
the Cathedral of the Daiquiri. Each 
evening, Ribalaigua appeared behind the 
bar dressed in a white shirt, a bow tie, a 
stylish vest and an apron— "like an acro- 
bat making his entrance onstage,” as one 
historian put it. Among those who flocked 
to El Floridita were Gary Cooper, Ten- 
nessee Williams, Jean-Paul Sartre and 
Ernest Hemingway (the greatest daiquiri 
fan of all time). If ever there were a pick- 
me-up that was easy to make at home... 


Like the daiquiri, this cocktail has been 
so butchered by incompetent barkeepers 
through the years that the poor thing has 
completely lost its identity. The recipe 
first appeared in the 1895 cocktail book 
Modern American Drinks, by George 
Kappeler. It was a simple libation, a 
cocktail in the old sense of the word. A 
bit of liquor with a dash of sugar, it was 
meant to be consumed on waking in the 
morning. (That'll take care of those 
cheese-grated nerves.) But by 1933 
mixologists were violating the drink 
with all manner of indignities. As Crosby 
Gaige, a pissed-off liquor writer and 
playboy of the time, put it, “Serious- 
minded persons omit fruit salad from old. 
feshioneds, while the frivolous window- 
dress the brew with slices of orange, 
sticks of pineapple and a couple of tur- 
nips.” You can still order this beauty in 
five different bars today and get 
.. Served five different drinks. What 
the hell? Here's 
the real num- 
ber, as originally 
printed in Kappe- 
ler's bar guide. 


October 28, 1819 
was one of the 
more shameful 
days in American 
history: The Vol- 
stead Act passed. banning the sale 


Zh alcohol But in a case of unintended 


‘consequences, Prohibition sparked an in- 
credible period of cocktail innovation. To 
mask the taste of the rotgut that was 
available, bartenders started mixing it 
with all kinds of strange ingredients. 
Drinks such as the between the sheets 
and the scofftaw emerged, not to mention 
a barman who is still regarded as the king 
‘of Prohibition mixologists. Harry Craddock 
rose to prominence in New York; five years 
into Prohibition he left to ply his trade at 
London's Savoy Hotel, where he served as 
a beacon for traveling Americans who 
longed for the taste of home but could no 
longer find it there. In 1930 he published 
The Savoy Cocktail Book, still popular 
today. On its pages you'll find the blue 
monday, a classic Prohibition-era mood 
lifter that's fallen out of style. Time to 
bring it back. How to drink it? As Craddock 
said, "Quickly. while it's laughing at you!" 


OLD FASHIONED 


Muddle 1 lump of sugar in 
a little water in a whiskey 
glass. Add 2 dashes 
Angostura bitters, a couple 
of ice cubes, a piece of 
lemon peel and 1 jigger 
rye (if you're using bour- 
bon. make it with half a 
lump of sugar). Stir with a 
spoon, and leave the 
‘spoon in the glass. 


SS 


BLUE MONDAY 


3 parts vodka 

1 part Cointreau 

1 dash blue vegetable 
extract (food coloring. 
which you can leave out 
it you're lazy, since it 
has no taste) 


Shake with ice, and strain 

into a cocktail glass. No 

garnish, which (let's face. 

it) is refreshing. 83 


3 “| POSTA aa 


MEAE 


| gr === Eat DARA ANS kk 


SEE YOU IN 


B PARADISE 


SURVIVE THE TROPICS AND WIN A RICH 
GIRL AND HER FORTUNE. WHAT A DEAL 


Fiction by J. ROBERT LENNON 


Brant Call was a pretty nice guy. He lived in a small 

rented house on a quiet street in the town where he 

went to college. He always shoveled his walk when it 

snowed, and he always said hi to passing neighbors, 

and though he was young (he'd graduated only a 
couple years before), he acted like he was 37, and everybody 
liked him for it. 

And Brant liked that everybody liked him. When somebody 
told him how much they liked one or another of his good qual- 
ities, he reacted by striving to enhance that quality so as to 
become nicer still. Nobody ever pointed out his bad qualities— 
which included gullibility, impatience and a creeping smug- 
ness—because they thought it might upset him, and in this 
they were right. In Brant's world, people did not point out 
others’ bad qualities. He grew up in the suburbs, took out old 
ladies’ garbage and was named after a beach in New Jersey. He 
was not introspective. It didn't occur to him that being univer- 
sally liked might be a bad thing, or even illusory. 

He still worked at the college he'd attended, as managing 
editor of the alumni magazine of the business school. The year 
Brant started working there, the magazine had been rated one 
of the top five business schoo! alumni magazines in America, 
and he took pride in this honor, though he didn't have much 
to do with it. He referred to the magazine as “we,” as in "We 
gotta up our donations this year,” and occasionally when he 
did this the person he was speaking to became confused and 
had to ask whom he meant by “we.” He said this very thing 
once to a woman about whom the magazine was running an 
article, and the woman tilted her head, smiled microscopically, 
tucked a blonde lock behind a pink ear and said, “We you, or 
we who do you mean?” 

The woman was named Cynthia Peck. She was a senior at 
the college, and her father owned one of the 50 largest corpo- 
rations in America. The article was to be a rich-heiress’s-eye 
view of the business school, in which Cynthia would be por- 
trayed as being in training to assume her rightful position (as 
Leyton Peck's only child) at the helm of Peck, Inc. Brant had 
volunteered to writ himself because he hoped to secure a 
big, honking donation for the magazine, and the editor in 
chief agreed because he thought Brant's niceness might actu- 
ally cause this to happen. And so, at the end of an hour-long 
interview during which it became clear that Cynthia Peck was 
not going to bc at the helm ofanything complicated in the near 
future, he made the comment about having to up the dona- 
tions. And when she said, “We you, or we who do you mean?” 


85 


PLAYBOY 


86 


he said, “We me, or I mean we us. The 
magazine. I was wondering if you, or 
rather your company—or I mean your 
dad’s company—might consider do- 
nating some, you know, moncy, so 
can go on doing what we're doing in 
terms of work, which is being one of 
the top five business school alumni 
magazines in America.” 

Cynthia Peck's tiny smile became a 
slightly larger smile and then a kind of 
smirk, and when the lock of hair fell 
over her eye again she didn’t move it. 
Instead she peered around it, discreetly 
licked her lipsand said, "Are you trying 
to ask me out?" 

Brant almost said no. Instead he 
tried to blush and found that, to his 
surprise, his face was already hot and 
his head already half turned away, and 
he said, “Well...” 

“Well what?” 

"Well, I guess I am. You want to go 
out?” 

“Be more specific.” 

“To dinner? 

“More specific.” 

“My place?” 

“Try again.” 

“A restaurant.” 

She raised her eyebrows. 

“Seven Sisters?” he said, because this 
was the only place in town anybody 
could conceivably take the daughter of 
one of the richest men in America, a 
Frenchy sort of sit-down place up on 
the hill with turrets and flags and 
prices that could make your hair stand 
on end. And indeed the name made 
her sit up straight and nod her head in 
congratulations, and she asked, 
“When?” and he said, “Uh, tonight?” 
and she said, “Friday,” and he said, 
“Friday.” He asked if he should pick 
her up around eight, and she said 
eight-thirty, and he asked if she wanted 
to go anywhere afterward, and she 
said, “We'll see.” Then she handed him 
a little card with her name, address and 
phone number printed on it and 
walked out the office door. 

Later on, the editor in chief asked 
him how it went and would they be 
getting the money, and Brant, in re- 
sponse to both questions, said, “I have 
no idea.” 


Looking at her over dinner, Brant real- 
ized that he found Cynthia pretty at- 
tractive, though she was generally 
known on campus as the General's 
Horse because of her bulky frame and 
equine features: a broad nose, an elon- 
gated face and wide-set eyes. But her 
face was open and expressive, if not en- 
tirely intelligent, and she had nice hair, 
a sexy walk and a terrific bosom, the 
exposed cleft of which, invitingly peep- 
ing out from behind two unbuttoned 


folds of silk, he tried the entire evening 
to keep his eyes off. They talked about 
the college, about roommates they'd 
had, about New Jersey, where both of 
them had grown up (vastly different 
New Jerseys, sure, but they both used 
to drive an hour to visit the same mall) 
In fact, they got on just great, and after 
dinner they went back to her place and 
mashed on the sofa, and Brant got to 
stick his hand down her bra and the 
back of her underpants. 

A sort of courtship followed. Brant 
and Cynthia were seen around to- 
gether, holding hands and kissing on 
benches. The magazine got its dona- 
tion, and Brant asked for and received 
a raise. Six months went by and gradu- 
ation was coming, and Brant consid- 
ered buying Cynthia an engagement 
ring. Ultimately he decided against it: 
He had to prove to her, somchow, that 
he didn't want her money. The prob- 
lem was, of course, that he did want 
her money, and this seemed wrong to 
him, though he was certain he would 
want her whether she was rich or not. 


This was entirely 
different, this elasticized 
guffaw, and he didn't 
much care for it. She 
looked like Seabiscuit, 
for crying out loud. 


Of course, her being rich was part of 
what made her who she was and was 
the reason he met her in the first place, 
and so trying to extricate her wealth 
from his affection was pointless—and 
yet he tried it anyway. Of course. 

In May Brant got his suit dry-cleaned 
and went to her commencement. It 
took place in the football stadium. The 
speaker was Ellen DeGeneres. This had 
been a controversial choice for many 
reasons, but she didn't ralk about being 
a lesbian or about being on TV, and 
everyone seemed very calm and atten- 
tive. For most of the speech, Brant 
scanned the rows of seniors with the 
binoculars he'd brought along. When 
he finally found Cynthia, she was whis- 
pering and giggling with her friends. 
He watched her whisper and giggle for 
the rest ofthe ceremony. 

That night her father threw a party 
at Seven Sisters. Brant had rented a 
tux, but when he arrived he realized 
that nobody else was wearing one. So 
he went home and put his suit back on 
and arrived late to dinner. There were 


10 large round tables filled with people 

just getting started on their glasses of 
wine, and one of them contained an 
empty chair. Next to the chair was Ley- 
ton Peck, and on his other side sat Cyn- 
thia, looking not just attractive but 
pretty, her skin ruddy from the sunny 
commencement, her eyes subtly made 
up, her lips lipsticked. She saw him and 
motioned him over, and he took his 
place next to her father. 

Peck was in the middle of a story to 
which everyone was intently listening, 
their shoulders thrown forward over 
their plates, their faces frozen into 
expectant grins. Peck spoke in a agar- 
roughened baritone, his hands curi- 
ously out of sight beneath the table, 
which Brant felt privileged to know 
was the result of prematurely blossom- 
ing liver spots. This small bit of inside 
information enabled him to listen to 
the story with something approaching 
the appropriate level of attention 

“And so I say to the guy, ‘Look, I 
know this task sounds boring, but the 
reason our company has the number 
one industrial-coatings division in 
America can be summed up in two 
words: quality control. So what Inced you 
to dois keep your eye on each patch of 
paint through every stage of the drying 
process.’ The guy nods, like he's get- 
ting it all, so I keep on talking. ‘Drying 
doesn't just happen; there are a series of 
crucial aridity thresholds that are 
passed, and any number of microscopic 
fissures can appear. These fissures close 
quickly, but they negatively impact the 
long-term stability of the coaüng. So I 
want you to get your face right up on 
there and make sure no cracks appear 
and disappear. If any develop, you 
mark it there on your patch diagram, 
and below each crack you detect I want 
you to mark its duration. Have you got 
that?' Okay, sure, the guy's nodding. 
nodding, it all sounds very important to 
him, right? So I tell him, ‘Each of these 
cans behind you represents a produc- 
tion run. I need you to test every one of 
them; the paint dries hard in two and a 
half hours, so you'll be able to do three a 
day. So get to work." 

Peck looked around the table, faintly 
smirking, for several seconds before he 
delivered the punch line. “The guy 
watched paint dry for two and a half 
months!” 

Brant laughed along with everyone 
else, but mostly he watched Cynthia 
laugh. He was shocked to discover that 
he had never seen her laugh before 
(not with true abandon, anyway—gig- 
gling didn't count), which is to say that 
he himself had never made her laugh. 
Well, why not? He was funny, right? 
Couldn't he do a wide range of voices, 
including Old Jewish Lady, Old Black 

(continued on page 146) 


“I thought you'd like to know, sir, she's not part of airport security!” 


87 


“I LEARNED THAT MY 


BODY I5 CAPABLE OF 


REACHING HEIGHTS 


OF PLEASURE 


PD HERETOFORE 


CONSIDERED 


UNATTAINABLE.” 


Sex PISTOLS 


To learn what all the buzz is about, our sexiest correspondent (left) road tests nearly every 
vibrator on the market. She gets exactly what she bargained for—and then some 


By ANNA DAVID 


constructed. Buzzing silicone insects, undergar- 
ments fitted with remote-control massaging nubs, 
pulsating penises fashioned out of the same materials used 
to manufacture prosthetic limbs. All this and more is piled 
on my living room floor. I'm alone in my pajamas, up to my 
knees in the stuff. For the third time in as many seconds I 
find myself wondering what the hell I've gotten myself into. 
When I first set out to explore the world of sex toys, I 
was, practically speaking, a vibrator virgin. Sure, I'd been 
the proud owner of a Pocket Rocket for years, using it solo 
and with a boyfriend or two. But—confession time—the 
dosest I'd come to the iconic Rabbit Pearl was seeing it fea- 
tured on Sex and the City, I didn't even know the difference 
between a vibrator and a dildo. (Sex Toys 101: Vibrators 
vibrate; dildos don't, unless they're vibrating dildos. For 
our purposes we're sticking with the vibrators.) 
I'd noticed a recent surge in chatter about sex toys 
among friends and acquaintances. It seemed everyone was 


A nd there you have it: the largest pile of sex toys ever 


using them, singles and couples alike. According to reps 
from some of the nation’s high-end stores, consumers are 
buying about three times as many vibrators as they did five 
years ago. Chalk it up to a happy confluence of high-tech 
advances—these whirling dervishes get you off faster, 
harder and more creatively than ever before—and the 
anonymity of Internet commerce. These days anyone can 
log on to a trustworthy website and have high-quality or- 
gasm-enhancing products delivered discreetly to her door. 

It hasn't always been this way. The early vibrators weren't 
even considered sexual aids. An American physician named 
George Taylor patented the first—a steam-powered mon- 
ster called the Manipulator—back in the 1860s to assist 
women suffering from hysteria. (No surprise, he had plenty 
of return patients.) Mechanical toys weren't available for 
private use until the 1960s. Since then, design and market- 
ing improvements have grown exponentially. Despite a few 
remaining bastions of stick-in-the-mud puritanism—sex 
toys are still illegal in six states, where cops actually set up 
sting operations to bust people selling them—we appear to 
be entering the golden age of the vibrator. 

Optimistic industry bigwigs predict that these pulsating 
playthings will soon be as commonplace in American homes 
as toasters. “Twenty years ago lingerie was sold only in 
sleazy catalogs, but Victoria’s Secret made it a mainstream, 
acceptable product,” says Sandor Gardos, a clinical psychol- 
ogist and sex researcher. 
“Sex toys are moving in 
the same direction.” 

In the name of journal- 
ism, I decided to tackle 
this trend myself. After 
weeks of research and 
preparation, I devoted 
five days to a round-the- 
clock sexual expedition. I 
tried every product on 
the market (no matter 
how bizarre), sharing the 
wealth with a few trusted 
girlfriends to get a well- 
rounded view. I visited 
factories, warehouses and 
vibrator stores, and spoke 
to doctors, researchers— 
even my own mother (ex- 
plaining the use of that 
strange “novelty” she'd 


Writer Anna David (left) and a few trusted friends took the vibrator industry head-on. Among their top picks: the Good Vibrations Itty Bitty Bump-N-Grind (top), which, when 
used as a cock ring, buzzes the entire pleasure zone—his and hers—while zeroing in on the clitoris. The Doc Johnson Pocket Rocket (bottom) offers total portability and 
discreetness. "I used it while | was driving, and | almost crashed," says one tester “Finally | just pulled over. Love the Pocket Rocket.” 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY STEPHEN WAYOA 


More of our testers’ vibrator favorites, clockwise from top left: Pure Bliss; 
California Exotics’ Impulse Flirtatious Dolphin (which has a range of pulsating 
options); and Hitachi's Magic Wand—the most heralded 12 inches in the business. 


received as a wedding present nearly 40 years ago). 
Through it all I came to some surprising revelations. I 
learned that my body is capable of reaching heights of plea- 
sure I'd heretofore considered unattainable. I also found 
that it’s entirely possible to become emotionally dependent 
on the battery department of the local drugstore. Whether 
ТЇЇ continue with the pace I had to set remains to be seen. 
But I know that what I've embarked on isa lifelong project— 
and I'm nothing if not dedicated to the research process. 


Day One: Ladies and Lipstick 


My first task: to recruita few women who can help round out 
the study. I remember that Kate, my hal£Asian, half-Jewish 
writer friend, took me vibrator shopping the very day we 
met. And surely Emily, blonde and angelic, with a former 
life as an S&M chick, will be up for it. Finally I ask Jill—an 
Ivy League-educated, curly-haired sales rep who reads three 
newspapers a day—if she can think ofanyone else who might 
help out. When she offers her own services, I’m surprised. 
“I never would've thought this was your kind of thing,” I 
tell her. She informs me, ever so casually, that she typically 


‘woman experiences. 
“hysterical paroxysm.” 


powered Manipulator. 


1906 


makes herself come six times a night, more ofien than not 
with the aid of some kind of external device. I'm shocked, 
so I accuse her of exaggeration. 

“It's true,” she swears. "It's almost an obsessive-compulsive 
thing, like I won't be able to sleep until 1 get to six.” 

What have Jill and I been so busy talking about that I 
didn’t know this? 

That afternoon I sit down in my living room and scan the 
mass of plastic and rubber devices. Where to begin? The 
lifelike Vibrating Tongue? The purple-and-green bendable 
unit surely modeled after an alien's private parts? I decide 
to start small, picking up something called a Classic Hide-a- 
Vibe. It’s an inch-long pink bullet—phallic only if you were, 
say, an Oompa Loompa—designed to look like a miniature 
lipstick. (In fact, it comes with a lipstick-like case so you can 
carry it around without tipping anyone off.) 

With the afternoon sunlight pecking in and R. Kelly's “Ig- 
nition” remix blasting from my computer speakers, I lean 
back on my couch and reach under my flowing pink skirt 
with the “lipstick.” The tip finds its way directly on top of my 
clitoris, buzzing through my panties. A little roundabout, an 
adjustment or two and I can no longer feel the mess of scat- 
tered C batteries wedged uncomfortably against my outer 
thigh. My cat is looking at me, terrified, but I forget about 
her as the tiny tickle grows and spreads down my legs. In just 
a few minutes I'm there. The little sucker makes the grade. 


Day Two: Sex-O-Phone 


When I give my phone number to Carol Queen, she liter- 
ally yelps when she hears that 6 and 9 are the last two num- 
bers. "Our number ends in 69 too," she remarks excitedly. 
"Did you request it?" (I didn't.) 

Queen, who has a doctorate from the Institute for 
Advanced Study of Human Sexuality in San Francisco, is 
the “resident sexologist" at Good Vibrations, a chain of 
storesin northern California that's been around since 1977. 
(Good Vibes perfectly represents today's clean, well-lit place 
for sex toys, where the packaging is elegant and the 
employees are approachable—and not much freakier than 
those at your local Kinko's.) 

She gives me a rundown of the store's best-sellers: the 
Pocket Rocket (my old favorite); the Vibratex Rabbit Pearl, a 
Japanese-made cutie with a see-through, pcarl-filled silicone 
shaft and a clit-tickling “bunny”; and the Hitachi Magic 
Wand, a 12-inch body massager originally made for sore 
backs and necks, which has become one of the best-selling 
vibrators of all time (PLAYBOY recently named it among the 


Dutch physician To help physicians McClures magazine $ The Shelton Electric = Sears Roebuck begins $ As vibrators start 
2 Pieter Van Foreest treat more hysterical runs the first vibrator 2 Company releases its 2 hawking а home appli- > appearing instag 
1 recommends a new il û, for the Vibratile. — Shelton Deluxe-Wayne $ ance with attachments 2 films they start Women have both 
1 treatment for female Other women's mags $ Vibrator (below). = fora vaginal mas- disappearing from 
1 hysteria. Doctors follow suit. Н $ Sager—and a mixer, doctors’ offices and 
= should “massage the : = gnnderfanandbufier + the pages of women's 
3 genitalia with one. H £ The Swedish Vibrator — $ magazines. 
1 finger inside” until the : 2 Company of Chicago 


begns advertising а 
product that provides. 
(whoa!) "30,000 
thnling invgorating, 
revitalizing penetrations 
per minute.” 


top inventions of the past half 
century). The Pocket Rocket and 
the Wand are for external stim- 
ulation only, while the Rabbit 
works simultaneously on the va- 
gina and the clitoris; as Queen 
says, “it brings both to the party.” 

Back home I proudly lay out 
my goodies on the bed. I'm 
ready to give the Wand a whirl, 
but just as Im about to get down 
to it I receive a call from Gardos, 
the sex researcher. After I re- 
view my products with him, a 
note of concern creeps into his 
voice. “A lot of people find the 
Wand too powerful,” he tells me 
as I hold the giant thing in my 
hand. “Keep in mind that you 
should place several towels be- 
tween you and it.” 

The towel news is shocking— 
and slightly alarming. I glance 
at the Wand and realize that 
gargantuan is really the only 
word to describe this white 
plug-in device. It occurs to me 
that the Wand would make a 
tremendous weapon 

The Rabbit, on the other 
hand, is pink—my favorite color—and kind of cute. And 
the control device has separate buttons for the penetrating 
shaft and the clitoris-tickling part. 

Conveniently I've recently met a special someone who 
lives across the country. Though my impersonation of a 976 
operator usually makes me cringe, somehow phone sex 
seems inevitable from the beginning of our conversation. It 
starts innocently enough—a clarification about a work pro- 
ject, really. I mention that I'm in bed with the lights 
dimmed and the Rabbit Pearl next to me. 

“You mean you're just lying there? With the vibrator?" 

“That's right." 

There's a pause. Then, in his naturally deep voice: 
“That's the sexiest thing I've ever heard.” Another pause, 
and then: "Is it turned on?" 

ltis. And L am. 

This guy—usually the model of smooth control—sounds 
as if he’s breathing a bit fast. And once he begins to describe 


1952 


1960s 1973 1977 


The word hysteria is. Vibrators are again uthor Betty Dodson 


Sex therapist Joani 


what he'd be doing to me if we were in the same room, he's 
not the only one. His words and the Rabbit Pearl's clitoris 
massager and burrowing shaft are a perfect combination, 
though Im not sure I appreciate the pearls as much as I 
would if they were, say, around my neck. 

The Wand watches it all. If it could talk, I feel certain it 
would taunt me. 


Day Three: Panties From Heaven 


I spend the morning sifting through a dizzying array 
of penetrators and massagers—products that resemble 
penises, dental drills and Xbox controllers. By now I've 
determined that California Exotics takes the prize for man- 
ufacturing the most bizarre stuff on the market. Its Impulse 
Computer Accessory, a bullet vibrator that attaches to a 
computer via a USB cord, would come in handy if I were 
into Internet porn. And the Vibrating Pleasure Periscope, 


1994 1998 PRESENT 


Susan Colvin becomes 2 Onan episode of Sex Studies show that. 


dropped from the = openly advertised and = begins teaching Blank opens Good the first female CEO = and the City Charlotte = roughly half the 
American Psychiatric 5 sold as novelties, masturbation work- Vibrations in San ofa sex-toy compa- $ becomes a far ofthe 5 women inthe US. 
Association's books. though their sale hops for women that = Francisco. Blank ny, the Chino, Cali- $ Rabbit Pearl. Sex-toy 5 have tried or regularly 
remains illegal in focus on how to use reales Joani's fornia-based 2 stores nationwide use a vibrator during. 
ibrators. Her film Butterfly, the first California Exotics. $ are inundated with 1 masturbation, 
citoral-simulating Í The sb-foot blonde — I orders for the 
vibrator. becomes a driving $ Japanese- 
forcein changing the made vibrator. 
mainstream imageof $ 
"novelties, using = 
tasteful packaging — Í 
and products that — 3 
appeal to more 


women and couples. 


PLAYBOY 


92 


with its see-through tip and series of 
mirrors, actually allows you to look 
between your legs into a viewing win- 
dow to see what's going on inside. (“We 
sell a ton of them," saysa company rep. 
“Even gynecologists buy them.") 

As my afternoon coffee brews, I slip 
on a pair of Cal Exotics’ Vibrating 
Panties, a black polyester G-string 
with front pockets containing a bat- 
tery and a bullet vibrator. I like that 
the panties have a remote control 
attachment, enabling a partner to acti- 
vate them from across the room. I 
also know that unless 1 can teach one 
of my cats a fancy trick, I won't be 
experiencing that today. 

Wearing nothing but the panties, I 
slide onto my couch. The mini bullet 
hits just the right spot, and I do my 
part by moving it in circles. I think 
about how amazing these would be on 
а plane ride, assuming you could get it 
through today’s airport security with- 
out humiliating yourself. 

‘Afterward I call Emily, my former 
S&M-worker friend, who tells me she 
came twice while wearing hers in her 
office with the door shut. We confer- 
ence call Kate and then Jill, the multi- 
orgasmic Ivy Leaguer. who tells us she 
pranced around in hers while making 
lunch. "Oh," she says, “and I used the 
Wand today. I came like 20 times." 

Emily and I are silenced. Kate an- 
nounces that she found the Wand’s 
“jackhammer-like sensation" over- 
whelming. “I kept thinking of that line 
in Sex and the City when someone tells 
Samantha this Sharper Image mas- 
sager will burn her clit off,” she says. 

My Wand fear has now reached new 
heights. 

“1 think it looks more like an instru- 
ment of torture than a vibrator,” I say. 

They all laugh, and I don’t bother to 
ask about the towels. 


DAY FOUR: FIELD TRIP 


It's Doc Johnson factory tour day. With 
more than 450 employees and 2,000 
products, the Los Angeles-based com- 
pany is a leader in the sex-toy industry, 
known not only for quality but for the 
most gorgeous packaging this side of 
spa products. Donna, a no-nonsense 
former New Yorker who spent most of 
her career working in the garment 
industry, greets me at the door. Just as 
I'm shaking her hand, J.C., a cheerful 
young guy in research and develop- 
ment, walks up holding three jelly 
cocks. He hands them to Donna and 
asks what she thinks. 

Donna's fingers graze appreciatively 
over the pink, purple and white dongs. 
“Oh, I can really see the iridescence in 
this,” she comments while holding up 
the white one. 


“Which do you like best?” J.C. asks 
me, his eyes twinkling flirtatiously. He 
has no idea who I am—all he knows is 
that I’m a woman in the target demo- 
graphic, so my opinion about these 
things is highly relevant. I tell him I'm 
partial to pink. He grins proudly, as if 
he'd invented the color himself. 

Because J.C. is in R&D, he's an ex- 
pert in T&A. As Donna takes me on a 
tour of the warehouse, where hundreds 
of factory workers calmly pour liquid 
plastic into copper dishes shaped like 
penises of every size imaginable, she in- 
forms me that J.C. is in charge of all the 
castings. This means he’s the guy who 
slaps the mold on, say, Jenna Jameson 
when she’s allowing her vagina and ass 
to be used to create a product. And I 
always thought movie casting directors 
were the ones who had it good. 

For someone in the industry Donna 
seems remarkably innocent. She uses 
words like gynormous, tells me she “just 
wants to make a product that looks 
pretty" and blushes when I ask if she's 
ever tried Doc's G-spot-, clitoral- and 


Jill was thrilled with the 
Flirtatious Dolphin: “T 
moved the switch from high 
to pulsating when I started 
to come, and my orgasm 
lasted literally minutes.” 


anal-stimulating Trigasm. When she 
informs me that the company is known 
for its Ultra Realistic 3.0 material— 
UR3 to those in the know—she adds 
that customers are warned not to cook 
or microwave the products (which 
certainly cuts down on the hors 
d'oeuvres options). 


he ones that are dipped are 
cooked in the oven, like pizza,” she ex- 
plains. “After they cool they're put on 
a sort of hamburger griddle to make 
them smooth.” 

We pause next to a group of Mexi- 
can workers who are adding amazingly 
lifelike hair to UR3 penises. An older 
woman with the name MARTHA sewn on 
her work apron says something in 
Spanish, and her co-workers all laugh. 
Though I don't speak Spanish I feel 
certain that Martha's joke has little to 
do with the gynormous John Holmes 
cock she’s holding. In fact, everyone in 
the room seems so indifferent to the 
leg-size penises they're decorating, they 


may as well be packaging mustard. 

When I get home I decide that, 
among the dozen products I'll be play- 
ing around with tonight, I should 
probably road test a vibrator that 
resembles an actua! penis. In fact, the 
Hank, made in the factory where 1 
spent my morning, is more penislike 
than actual penises I've come across, 
except that it can be propped upright 
on its flat half-ball-sac bottom. 

Sitting on my couch, I place the 
apparatus at the base of my nether 
region and turn it on. Slowly 1 move it 
around and push it inside me, grip- 
ping tightly (it’s not like I'm going to 
hurt anyone). The buzz begins to make 
me quiver but not for long. Something 
about the experience makes me long 
for a heartbeat. It's both too much and 
not enough like the real thing. This 
dick gets the shaft. 


DAY FIVE: CLIMAX 


With about 30 products down and 
roughly 20 to go, 1 invite over my three 
partners in crime. Time is running 
short, and I want to get a feel for how 
these women are making out. Sitting in 
my living room, the place trashed with 
empty vibrator boxes and battery pack- 
aging, we get down to business. 

Emily announces that she adored 
the Good Vibes Rock and Roll, a life- 
like penis vibrator. “1 used it in combi- 
nation with the Wand," she says as she 
tucks a few blond ringlets behind her 
ear. She also liked Cal Exotics’ Infra 
Red Massager, with its on-off heat 
button. “The heat didn’t enhance the 
orgasm per se, but the overall feeling 
was highly enjoyable,” she says 

Multiorgasmic Jill was thrilled with 
Cal Exotics’ Impulse Flirtatious Dol- 
phin, a sea-blue jelly tube molded in 
the shape of a miniature sea mammal. 
Though I found it off-putting, she 
loved everything about it, especially the 
various speed options: escalating, pul- 
sating, low and high. “I moved the 
switch from high to pulsating when 1 
started to come, and my orgasm lasted 
literally minutes,” she gloats. 

Emily also flipped over the Dolphin. 
Her orgasms were so strong, she tells 
us, she cried. “But I'm completely 
PMSing,” she adds. “I cried during 
Friends, too." 

The thing that rcally got Kate 
buzzing was the Itty Bitty Bump-N- 
Grind, a rubber device with a bunch 
of tiny spaghetti-like ticklers hanging 
off it and a bullet that vibrates them. 
Of course Kate has an accessory the 
rest of us do not: a boyfriend who lives 
in the same city. 

The Bump-N-Grind slides onto a 

(concluded on page 154) 


Test Drive 


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SUSPENSION - ka РИК. : : HER RIGHT HOWL 


Strap yourself in— 
Miss May is taking you 
on q wild ride 


L. icensed pilot Nicole White- 
head—yes, she flies airplanes—is 
absolutely fearless. “The first time I 
flew a plane was also the first time I 
went skydiving,” says the 23-year-old. 
“I literally dived out the plane door — 
they couldn't open it fast enough. 
When I was free-falling I could see all 
this amazing scenery at one time— 
the ocean, the city and the area where 
the NASA shuttles take off. It was so 
pretty, I think I started to cry." Back 
on solid ground, Nicole, with ample 
Southern charm (she's from Alabama 
and lives in Florida), explained to the 
pilot that while skydiving was a trip, 
she would be even more excited actu- 
ally flying the plane. How could he 
resist? “He took me up and let me 
take the controls,” she says. “It was 
the best day I ever had. I knew right 
then that I had to fly for a living.” 
Nicole earned her pilot’s license 
last August and is currently chalking 
up solo flight hours. Meanwhile, to 
help pay for flight school, she works 
ata local bar (most requested drink: 
Alabama slammer), models (you 
may have spotted her on the 2001 
cover of PLAYBOY's Natural Beauties 
special edition) and steals the spot- 
light in music videos (in Ricky Mar- 
tin's "She Bangs,” she dances—or 
bangs—herself into a frenzy). While 
definitely a girl on the rise, Nicole 
isn't going after red carpet mega- 
fame. “I would be perfectly happy 


Coffee, tea or me? “I hope to get into the 
chorter business and fly Leorjets,” Nicole 
soys. “When I'm ready to settle down—like 
in 20 yeors—'Il have enough hours to go to 
an airline, where 1 con hove o steady rou- 
tine. | could have a family and o dream job.” 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY 
ARNY FREYTAG 


flying other celebrities around 
the world rather than being 
one myself," she says. 

Nicole may literally have her 
head in the clouds, but she 
credits her upbringing with 
keeping her grounded. “No- 
body comes before family," she 
says. "We're a bunch of crazy 
Southerners. I live on a ranch 
and have a tomboy side. Nascar 
is my religion. I like to go mud- 
ding in a truck. I can clean up 
and be a lady, but the everyday 
me wears Levi's, cowboy boots 
and a tank top." 

Those boots come in handy 
when she tends to her three 
horses, her admitted first loves, 
which live on her ranch in Or- 
lando. "When I was six I visited 
my grandparents in Florida," 
she says. “They took me to see a 
dinner show called Arabian 
Nights. 1 loved it. The day 1 
graduated from high school I 
moved there and tried to j 
the show. I had no formal train- 
ing, but I'd barrel raced and 
worked with cows." Once again 
Nicole put her wiles to use: “I 
pulled the show manager 
and told him, ‘Look, I can smile 
really big, and I dont fall off 
horses.’ I got the job and 
worked there for the most 
incredible two and a half years 
of my life. I was a trick rider—1 
stood up on the back of gallop- 
ing horses and would flip off 
them and do crazy stuff." 

A rodeo clown could figure 
out that when it comes to guys 
Nicole is into the adventurous 
type. “I definitely like guys who 
are rugged and strong,” she 
says. “It's sexy when a guy can 
help me work the horses or fix 
my car. I'm attracted to cow- 
boys, but I haven't figured out 
how to find them yet. Maybe 
hang out at rodeos?” 

When we tell her that some- 
day her space cowboy will 
come, Nicole smiles. “In five 
years I'd like to be in the pilot's 
seat, 43,000 feet above every- 
one else and going 500 miles 
an hour, My heart is definitely 
in the sky.” 


Always the creator of her own 
destiny, Nicole sent a home video 
to the Playboy TV show Sexy Girls 
Next Door. “I taped myself both- 
ing my horse—weoring nothing 
but boots,” she soys. “I normolly 
don't do thot in the nude. It was 
an experience." 


PLAYMATE DATA SHEET 


e lh ERE 


BUST: QQ. — warsr:__24 шр: 34 
HEIGHT: diu WEIGHT: 7/2 


TURNOFFS : 


PLAYBOY'S PAHTY JOKES 


THIS MONTH'S MOST FREQUENT SUBMISSION: Why 
did Jennifer Lopez dump Ben Affleck? 

Because he finally admitted, “Your ass does 
look big in those pants.” 


А car hita 10-year-old boy and drove off. The 
boy was lying injured in the middle of the 
road. A passerby ran up and asked the boy, 
“Do you want me to find a priest?" 

The boy replied, “How can you think about 


sex at a time like this?” 


2a, 


George W. Bush recently wrote this letter to 
John Hinckley; 
Dear Mr. Hi see 

Laura and I hope that you are continuing to 
recover from your mental problems. We were pleased 
to hear that you are now able to have unsupervised 
visits with your parents. 

I have decided to seek a second term in office as 
your president. Since I am a public servant, please let 
me know if there is anything that you need at the hos- 
pital. By the way, are you aware thal John Kerry is 
screwing Jodie Foster? 
rich) 

George W. Bush, president 


What do you get when you take ecstasy and 
birth control? 
A trip without the kids. 


A man owned a farm in Kansas. The Depart- 
ment of Labor received a Up that he was not 
paying proper wages to his employees. An 
agent came to interview him and said, “List 
your employees and tell me how much you 
pay them.” 

"The farmer said, “I have one ranch hand 
who's been with me for three years. 1 pay him 
$600 a week plus room and board. Then I 
have a cook. She's been here six months. She 
gets $400 a week plus room and board.” 

“Anybody else?” the agent asked as he scrib- 
bled on a notepad. 

“Yeah,” the farmer said. "There's a half-wit 
here. Works about 18 hours a day. I pay him 
$10 a week and give him chewing tobacco.” 

“Very interesting,” the agent said. “I want to 
talk to that half-wit." 

The farmer replied, "You're talkin’ to him 
right now.” 


Why did Scott Peterson want to move to West 
Virginia? 
Everyone has the same DNA. 


A man who recked of booze flopped on a 
subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie was 
stained with liquor, his face was plastered with 
red lipstick, and a bottle of gin was sticking out 
of his coat pocket. He opened his newspaper 
and began reading. After a few minutes, he 
turned to the priest and asked, “Say, Father, 
what causes arthritis?” 

The priest replied, “It’s caused by loose liv- 
ing, sleeping with wicked women and drinking 
too much alcohol.” 

“Well, I'll be,” the drunk muttered, return- 
ing to his paper. 

A few minutes later, the priest nudged the 
man to apologize. "I'm very sorry,” the priest 
said, “I didn’t mean to come down on you so 
strongly. How long have you suffered from 
arthritis?” 

“I don't have it, Father,” the man said. “I was 
just reading about the Pope.” 


A new car stereo comes equipped with voice- 
activated software. If you yell out “rock.” it 
tunes in to a rock station. If you say "classical," 
it switches to a classical music station. If you say 
"country," it changes to a country music sta- 
tion. But one unhappy consumer complained 
that while he was driving, some children ran 
out in front of his car. Hitting the brakes, he 
muttered, "Fucking kids.” The radio started 
playing Michael Jackson songs. 


Bone JOKE or THE MONTH: Why should a 
boss give his blonde secretary only a half-hour 
lunch break? 

Because if she were gone for an hour, she'd 
have to be retrained. 


Р. лувоу cuassıc: Where does an Irishman go 
on vacation? A different bar. 


Why are nurses so bad at giving oral sex? 
Because they always wait for the swelling to 
go down. 


Send your jokes to Party Jokes Editor, PLAYBOY, 730. 
Fifth Avenue, New York, New York 10019, or by 
e-mail to jokes@playboy.com. $100 will be paid to 
the contributor whose submission is selected. Sorry, 
jokes cannot be returned. 


“Great form, Ms. Blythdale! Next week we'll try it in the water!" 


DEATH AND DISHONOR 


FIVE SOLDIERS FOUGHT SHOULDER TO SHOULDER IN THE 
MOST BRUTAL BATTLE OF THE IRAQ WAR. HOME AGAIN AS 
HEROES. ONE OF THEM VANISHED. AND THE REST KEPT THEIR 
SILENCE. AS A FATHER SEARCHES FOR HIS SON, THE CLUES 


LEAD BACK TO THE BLOODSTAINED STREETS OF BAGHDAD 


BY MARK BOAL 


PROLOGUE: WELCOME HOME 


COLD BEER. Inside are wall-to-wall mirrors, $3 drafts and two dancing 

poles, around which young women, some still in orthodontic braces, dance 
naked except for G-suings. This is the classiest strip club in Columbus, Georgia, 
home of the U.S. Army's Fort Benning, and it was here on the evening of July 14, 
2003 that Richard Davis, Jacob Burgoyne and three fellow veterans of the Iraq 
war—Mario Navarrete, Douglas Woodcoff and Alberto Martinez—decided to cel- 
ebrate. It was their second stop that evening, after burgers and many, many beers 
at a Hooters over on Adams Farm Road, on the day they were all together again 
after returning from Iraq. 

‘Two months earlier these men of the third platoon of B Company had fought 
side by side in some of the bloodiest battles of Baghdad. Now they sat together, close 
to the center stage, talking to the strippers. Around midnight, after several more 
rounds of drinks, they became so rowdy and loud that the bouncer told them to 
leave. Typical soldier stuff, a waitress who was working that night recalled, just guys 
“shouting and being disruptive.” They swigged the last of their beers and stumbled 
outside into a small parking lot behind a gas station and a Waffle House restaurant, 
and then, flush with alcohol in the warm Georgia evening, they began to argue. 

Tempers flared over who was at fault for getting them kicked out of the club, 


T he red-and-yellow sign outside the Platinum Club advertises HOT WOMEN, 


PHOTOGRAPH OF LANNY OAVIS BY DAN WINTERS, ST CHARLES. MISSOURI. FEBRUARY 11, 2004 


A MILITARY FAMILY 


according to two of the men. But the argument could have been about anything. 
These soldiers had fought among themselves with fists and knives in Kuwait, 
where they were stranded for two weeks in sweltering tents after two months of 
intense urban combat. That night Burgoyne, who was known to possess a vicious 
streak, went afier Davis. Navarrete says he joined the fight. 

What happened in the next hour may never be fully known, but this much is 
certain; All five soldiers piled into Martinez’s car; the doors slammed, and they 
sped off into the summer night. 

And then Richard Davis disappeared. 


PART 1: LOST 

Staff Sergeant Lanny Davis, retired, a United States Army veteran, husband, 
father and proud owner of a tidy ranch home in serene St. Charles, Missouri, 
lives a life you could call squared away. The lawn is mowed, the white Chevy 
pickup in the driveway is spotless. In his speech Lanny is courteous in the slightly 
formal manner of a career military man. His hair is close-cropped, his loafers 
polished and his slacks pressed. At the age of 55 he keeps himself lean enough to 
get back into uniform if he’s needed. 

Up and down the block in this suburb of St. Louis, American flags fly outside 
the well-kept houses, and the sense of community is so strong that front doors are 
rarely locked. Behind such a door on the morning of July 16, 2003 Lanny spoke 
into the telephone and patiently corrected the caller: “Look, you're not—you're 
not talking about my son.” 


“Yes, sir, Richard is AWOL,” said the caller, M n i 
an officer from Fort Benning. any of them still 


“If anybody went AWOL, it wouldn't be my Uniforms. The smell 


son,” Lanny repeated. “My boy is pro-military.” linge red in their 

Having served 20 years in uniform, 16 o : 
them as a military policeman investigating al WAS disturbed by 
manner of crimes and misdemeanors, Lanny 
has sharp instincts about the truth, and this story rang false. He had raised his boy 
on war stories and patriotism and found it impossible to believe that Richard 
would run from his duty. Why would he go absent without leave? Why didn't he 
call home? When the caller added that Richard's clothes and toothbrush 
remained undisturbed in his room, Lanny felt sure that something was wrong. 
His son, he thought, must be in some sense lost. 

Earlier that day, 700 miles southeast of St. Charles, on the expansive grass 
parade grounds of Fort Benning, there assembled the 150-odd men of Davis's 
unit: B Company, First Battalion, 15th Infantry Regiment, Third Brigade, 
Third Infantry Division (Mechanized). They stood in professionally precise 
rows, highly experienced soldiers, veterans ages 23 to 29. They had led the U.S. 
assault on Baghdad, having formed the “tip of the spear” that raced up the 
western bank of the Euphrates, and they had killed in greater numbers than 
perhaps any other unit in the theater. 

Home for less than a week, many of them still wore their tattered uniforms. The 
smell of burning flesh lingered in their nostrils. Their sleep was disturbed by 
nightmares. They had been given a two-day pass and ordered to relax and recre- 
ate—an order their sergeant was now saying one man had followed to excess. 

“From third platoon we have a man out of range—Davis. He is probably 
fucked-up drunk,” said First Sergeant Jon Sabala, standing at the head of the for- 
mation. "If any of you assholes see him, you better drag his ass back to work." No 
one spoke. These men had spent six months in Iraq and Kuwait, living in close 
quarters with Davis. They knew what he was like in the crucible of combat and the 
tedium of occupation, knew him in a way that most people never would. And four 
of them—Burgoyne, Martinez, Navarrete and Woodcoff—knew Davis's precise 
whereabouts that day. But not a single man spoke. When the truth came out four 
months later about what had happened to Richard Davis, the witnesses described 
a crime of such savagery that it left the survivors of B Company wondering what 
the war had done to their humanity. 


WAR STORIES 
Four months earlier, somewhere north of the Iraq-Kuwait border, an Army 
Humvee raced across the bright, endless desert, leaving dust clouds in its wake. 
At the wheel was Specialist Robert Sapitan of Jacksonville, Florida, and bounc- 


Like father, like son (from top): Staff Sergeant Lanny Davis celebrates his 29th birthday in Ger- 
many with three-month-old Richard, in June 1978. Richard's mother, Remy, a U.S. Army medic 
and behavioral science specialist, in 1973. Richard the road warrior, photographed by a platoon 
mate in the Iraqi desert in early March 2003. Richard (kneeling), training in Kuwait in 2002. 
Richard (left) and a fellow soldier in Kuwait in February 2003, waiting to move out to Iraq. 


ing in the passenger seat was a scowling young soldier, Specialist Richard Davis. DEATH OF A SOLDIER 
The men traveled in silence. They were strangers, thrown together at the last 

moment when Sapitan’s usual passenger, his commanding officer, decided to 
ride in a Bradley Fighting Vehicle. Neither Sapitan nor Davis was happy with 
the assignment, which put them just behind the leading edge of the convoy. “We 
wanted to do our part in the war,” Sapitan recalls. “We wanted to feel that we 
earned the recognition.” 

As they plunged deeper into Iraq, the landscape changed from bleak to 
macabre, the horizon now littered with the first casualties of the American inva- 
sion. They drove past smoldering heaps of twisted metal, inside of which sat 
blackened immolated torsos with elbow joints protruding straight out, missing 
forearms or hands. In sandbag bunkers they saw what might have been the 
charred remains of a conversation cirde, a chat that had been interrupted by a 
fireball. Nicknamed “crispy critters,” the dead became objects of wonder and 
amusement for the troops, many of whom took photographs with digital or 
disposable cameras. (Davis carried a couple of the disposable kind.) In one par- 
ticularly sharp close-up that made it back to America, a pulped head with blood- 
matted hair wears the sticker of an American skateboard manufacturer. 

Taking what they called “crazy photos,” though, hardly compensated for the 
grim march, and the men felt, perhaps for the first time in their young lives, how 
sudden and instantaneous death can be in battle. “Those Bradleys and Abra: 
they can kill from very far away,” says one soldier, “and I always wondered what it 

would be like to be sitting there smoking a 


wore their tattered cigarette and talking to your buddy, and then 
he just turns to toast, and you didn't even 


of burning flesh hear the round coming.” He pauses for a 
nostrils. Their sleep moment and then explains, “Because you 
У only hear the misses." 
nightmares. The monotony was broken only by such 
tasks as rescuing the occasional fuel truck that 
had sunk into the sand. Davis was especially eager to see combat. He wanted to 
collect his own war stories. An enthusiastic fighter, he subscribed to Soldier of For- 
tune magazine and bought all the high-speed gear that commandos carry: flight 
jackets, pistol grips, extra ammo pouches, grenade clips, knives. He'd already 
been in the Army for five years—tive years spent learning to kill. He'd toiled in 
the gym until his body was brick-hard, and he could crush a man with his bare 
hands, elbows or feet. He wasa weapons expert, having spent thousands of hours 
firing howitzers and rifles, machine guns and pistols, detonating grenades and 
plastic explosives, mutilating mock targets. But never once had he trained his 
sights on a live enemy. 

He had enlisted at 19, in 1998. A year later, while peacekeeping in freezing-cold 
Bosnia, he'd manned a .50-caliber machine gun, but his closest contact with a for- 
eign power had been when he loaned a pair of winter gloves to a Russian grunt. In 
2002, stationed on the Iraq-Kuwait border, he spent five months trudging around 
the Kuwaiti desert. Now he was back in the dunes, pissed off. “All I'm doing is train- 
ing. That is all we do,” he complained in a letter to his father before the invasion 
began. “We sleep in a 60-man tent with no water—the last shower I had was two 
weeks ago. The only thing that keeps me going is hearing the REMFs [Vietnam- 
era slang for "rear-echelon motherfuckers"] complain about the conditions." 

And now he was riding with a stranger in a glorified jeep behind the front. “Not 
out of harm's way by any means," Sapitan recalls, “but we weren't getting shot at 
every day like our buddies were." 

It was a terrible disappointment to Davis, who grew up on his father's stories 
of Vietnam, an entirely different kind of war, one in which American soldiers 
found their self-assurance gradually worn away. Lanny Davis had volunteered 
at 20 and turned 21 in the jungle, with a bottle of Johnnie Walker in one hand 
and 33 men under his command. A buck sergeant, the highest-ranking man 
out where it mattered—"where the road hit the river," he'd say—he had “the 
power of God." Patrolling at night, taking whole villages, he saw enough enemy 
fire to come home believing that “the most beautiful sight in the world is a fleet 
of B-52s flying overhead.” 

Richard inherited his looks from his mother, Remy, a Filipino American medic, 
but he took into his soul his father’s love of the military, a Davis trait for two cen- 
turies, he was told, ever since Jefferson Davis had battled the Union. The military, 


One night, many questions still unanswered (from top): The classiest strip club in Columbus, Geor- 
gia, where Richard Davis was last seen. The defendants (from left): Jacob Burgoyne, Alberto 

Martinez, Mario Navarrete and Douglas Woodcoff. The isolated area of Milgen Road where Richard 
Davis's body was left from July to November 2003. The funeral of Specialist Davis, December 13, 
2003, in Apple Valley, Califomia. “How could they do this to a fellow soldier?” the coroner asked. 


112 


SHELL SHOCK AND AWE 


Forget calling in an air strike. Even 
the personal weapons wielded in Iraq 
have amazingly lethal capabilities 


M4 CARBINE 

JOB: The rifle is issued to squad leaders, 
sergeants and other field personnel. 

HISTORY: Colt's M4 is basically a shortened 
M16, which has been the standard-issue 
infantry rifle since 1964. The M4 weighs 1.3 
pounds less than the 8.8-pound original, with 
which it shares about 85 percent of its parts. 
FIREPOWER: It uses the same 5.56- 
millimeter ammo as the M16, which the 
Army, when it adopted small-caliber rounds 
in the early 1960s, specified must be able 
to pierce a standard-issue helmet. The gun 
can spit out 800 rounds a minute. 


| 408: A portable mach D seine 
Squad N 


d 


M242 BUSHMASTER CANNON 
JOB: The cannon, mounted on armored 
personnel carriers such as the Bradley Fight- 
ing Vehicle, is used to shoot at comparable 
enemy vehicles. 

HISTORY: Instead of being powered by gas 
from its muzzle (as are the above guns), the 
M242 has an electric motor and a chain, a 
loop that drives the bolt back and forth. The 
cannon first appeared in 1983 and is 
‘employed by the Army, Navy and Marines. 
FIREPOWER: Blasting 200 rounds of 25- 
millimeter ammo a minute, it can pierce 
armored vehicles—including tanks—from 
more than a mile away. 


Richard figured, would be a haven from the perpetual crisis that marked his ado- 
lescence. Richard was not big, and he was picked on because of his Asian features. 
“1 hate to say it, but we got a lot of backward people here in Missouri,” says 
Lanny. “Richard took a lot of flak for the way he looked.” 

Richard was the kind of kid who'd draw ghouls and devils in his school note- 
books, but there was a certain sensitivity to his line, an artistic touch. He was in 
“gifted” classes in grammar school, wrote poems both bawdy and sweet, and 
developed a passion for popular culture (a SpongeBob tattoo decorated his fore- 
arm; a naked female anime character wielding a tommy gun strutted across his 
shoulder), as well as for video games and fast imported cars. 

The military bonded father and son. After boot camp Richard eschewed the 
duffel bag that the Army issued to new recruits and instead carried the tattered 
nylon one his father had taken to Vietnam, Korea and Germany. Even when 
Richard was stationed overseas, he called for advice about keeping warm during 
patrols in the frigid Eastern European winters. Lanny told him to wear panty 
hose—"the nylon kills the cold"—under everything he owned and then stand in 
the truck in a heavy sleeping bag up to his waist. “Gee, Dad, I don't know ifthe com- 
mander is gonna like that," Richard said. Lanny replied, “Just do as I tell you, son. 
1 don't think he'll say a word.” A few weeks later Richard called to say that the com- 
mander had the whole battalion following his improvised cold-weather dress code. 

“You see, there’s lots of things I tried to teach him,” Lanny says now, “I sort of 
showed him how to be resourceful. I said, ‘Son, wherever you go, if you need cer- 
tain things, look around you. If it means cutting down a tree to make a hammock 
or something, that's what you have to do." 


THE MIDTOWN MASSACRE 

For two weeks the convoy drove north toward Baghdad, roadside corpses and 
mangled cars now part of the daily reality. Davis and Sapitan “realized we were 
stuck with each other,” Sapitan recalls. He told Davis about his home in Florida. 
He recalls that Davis was “really funny" and “always making a smart-ass comment 
about something to keep your spirits 
up.” Davis told Sapitan about his 
father. “He said he was looking for- 
ward to telling his war stories to his dad 
when he went home,” Sapitan says. 

Sapitan thought Davis was “an all- 
right guy,” and even though it was 
Sapitan's Humvee, he let his passenger 
sleep in the cab at night while he 
stretched out on the roof. Sapitan 
would later label Davis "one of the 
most creative guys I ever met" after 
Richard tinkered with a Bradley head- 
lamp he'd seen discarded in the desert 
and mounted it to the Humvee so they 
could read or write letters in the dark. 
Then Davis found a portable T V-VCR 
and videocassettes in an abandoned 
Army truck on the side of the road. He 
wired the unit to the Humvee’s battery, 
and when the men camped they 
watched Bruce Willis blowing away 
bad guys in the Die Hard trilogy. 

In early April 2003, after a two-week 
rumble of 250 miles over rough roads, 
the convoy circled the wagons. Then 
Davis received orders to return to his 
platoon. Overjoyed, he grabbed hi 
pack and ran. “Hey, be careful,” Sapi- 
tan shouted to his back. Davis spun 
around. “Yeah, you too...be careful,” 
he said. Reunited with the members of 
B Company's third platoon, Davis 
would soon take part in the action he 
had always craved. 

On April 11, three days after Presi- 


THE BRUTAL ROAD 
TO BAGHDAD 


dent George W. Bush and Prime Minis- 
ter Tony Blair met in Belfast, Northern 
Ireland to declare that the end of the 

(continued on page 134) 


The Third Infantry Division's armored task 
force moves past a burning Iraqi tanker in 
northern Baghdad (top). An Iraqi casualty of 
American firepower, viewed from the convoy. 


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113 


“It strikes me this book is pretty hard on wolves.” 


SIX HOLLYWOOD UP-AND-COMERS LAUNCH 
THE SUMMER MOVIE SEASON IN STYLE 


fashion by joseph de acetis 


SAMUEL BALL has landed one of the year's most envi- 
able roles: He'll star opposite A//as's Jennifer Garner іп 
the upcoming 73 Going On ЗО. Ball grew up in West Vir- 
ginia and has mined the indie film scene for his biggest 
parts, debuting in Urbania and starring with Christina 
Ricci in Pumpkin. He's also worked in TV, appearíng on 
Dawson's Creek, Sex and the City, CSI and Law & Order. 


Ds а 
S k. 
WPLAYBOY 
FASHION — gen a 
— sj Sam's suit ($300) and shirt ($49) are by ORIGINAL PENGUIN. Leave your shirttails out 
"photography by timothy white / produced by jenni! n jones this season—untucked says easygoing. She's in a dress by JUST CAVALLI ($675). 
| 


+ ж 


DWAYNE ADWAY will star alongside another of our 
favorite boob-tube babes, Katie Holmes, in First Daugh- 
ter. Here's hoping we catch a glimpse of the Oval Office. 
Adway should look familiar—he's had a recurring role on 
The Steve Harvey Show as well as guest turns on ER, 
NYPD Blue, CSI, Arliss and The District. He's also in this 
month's Sou/ Plane and just wrapped /nto the Blue. 


He's wearing a silk shirt ($115) and lounge pants ($80) by NAT NAST and a hat by 
BORSALINO ($275). His watch is by RODOLPHE OF SWITZERLAND ($4,650). 


ALAN TUDYK studied at Juilliard—no wonder his Broad- 
way résumé is so impressive. He even won an award for 
best New York stage debut in 1997. His big-screen career 
took off when he played a coke addict in 28 Days and got 
medieval in A Knight's Tale. That's when the fun began. 
This summer he's in Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story 
with Ben Stiller and /, Robot with Will Smith. 


His leather jacket (51,495), tank top ($155) and trousers ($310) are by DSQUARED2. 
His drinking buddy's dress is by GF FERRE ($350). / 


ALEXI YULISH 


25 
jS 


His suede jacket ($2,900), silk polo shirt 
($670) and five-pocket jeans ($235) are all by 


$ OR The topstitching gives the 
jacket a sporty, less conservative effect. 


RILEY SMITH has one of the Olsen twins fawning all over 
him in their latest movie, New York Minute, released this 
month. We're pretty sure it's Ashley giving him the eye, 
but don't take our word for it. Smooching with the Olsens 
more than makes up for the twinless turn he took in his 
first major role, the bad high school jock turned good in 
Radio. Kiefer Sutherland also pursued Smith—on TV's 24. 


His silk knit shirt is by VERSUS ($345). The top has a passementerie neck- it's like 
built-in rope necklaces. 


women's styling by meriem orlet 


2004 SLSOO Roadster by Mercedes-Benz 


- 


MATTHEW CAREY has been acting professionally since he 
was 11. He found a foothold in Tinseltown with roles in Old 
School and The Banger Sisters, but he's really hitting the 
big time now. Three major pictures will project Carey 
onto cinema screens this year as he stars with Courtney 
Cox Arquette in November, Sigourney Weaver in Imaginary 
Heroes and Robert "Freddy" Englund in 2007 Maniacs. 


He'sina jacket by ENNIO CAPASA FOR COSTUME NATIONAL HOMME (51,900), a shirt by PRIN- 
GLE OF SCOTLAND ($165) and pants by DSQUARED2 ($310). Her dress is by ZANG TO! ($4,800). 
С + WHERE AND HOW TO BUY DN PAGE 143. 

— 


"Apparently the open house is tomorrow." 


120 


ORAL EXAM 

When a man goes down below, he should 
try to spell out the ABCs on a woman's 
most sensitive region. Some guys like to 
wander around with their tongues 
because they think it turns a woman on. 
Here's the truth: They should get to the 
clitoris and just stay there. It's also nice 
if they sing and hum, which adds vibra- 
tion to the area. Alternate between 


using the tip of the tongue and suck- 

ing. Not too hard, though. I like 
when a man combines this approach 
with a creative usc of his fingers. It’s 
bound to get any woman off. 


Matthew Perry 


PoE TARY Be ORY. S 


200 


The ex-Friend is going The Whole Ten Yards to make 
sure you'll see him somewhere besides reruns 


1 


PLAYROY: Now that Friends is over, 
what would you have had Chandler 
do differently? 

PERRY: I would have had him rethink 
the sweater-vests. 


2 


PLAYBOY: Listen closely and you can 
actually hear the ulcers perforating at 
NBC over the prospect ofa Friends-free 
Thursday night. Can you name all the 
failed must-see wannabes? 

PERRY: I'll do my best. There have been 
about 20 of them. Coupling, of course. 
Boston Common. And Pig Sty on UPN, 
which I auditioned for and did not get. 
Nobody can find the “new Friends” 
because, for lack ofa better word, mag- 
ic occurred in 1994 when these pro- 
ducers and this cast were put together. 
It's luck—and timing. Friends was my 
sixth television show, and I think it was 
Jennifer Aniston's seventh. Two weeks 
before I shot Friends I had no money, 
and I did a pilot called LAX 2194. 1t 
was about baggage handlers in the year 
2194, and my job on the show was sort- 
ing aliens’ luggage. "Two weeks later 1 
was playing Chandler. 


3 


PLAYBOY: You were raised in Canada. 
What are trips home like for you now? 
Has anything been named after you? 

PERRY: Yes, the Toronto Blue Jays are 
now called the Toronto Perrys. For the 
most part trips back have an initial 
kind of strangeness with my buddies, 
and then 10 minutes later we're right 
back where we were. My pals don't care 
that I'm in people’s living rooms on 
TV. I can just hang—and that’s nice. 


4 


PLAYBOY: So who are funnier, Ameri- 
cans or Canadians? 
PERRY: I think ordinary, everyday peo- 


Interview by Robert Crane 


ple in Canada are funnier than people 
in the U.S. Canadians have a certain 
dry humor. Maybe it’s so cold up there 
that we have to be funny, but everyone, 
even the bank teller, can make you 
laugh. That's why we have the Jim Car- 
reys and Mike Myerses and Michael J. 
Foxes. I think their success has a lot to 
do with the fact that they re Canadian. 


5 


PLAYBOY: You attended a private boys’ 
school in Ottawa. What did you learn 
there that you wouldn't have learned 
in public school? 
PERRY: The desire to have women 
around, always. 


6 


PLAYBOY: Did you get hazed much? 

PERRY: Í was a pretty popular kid, but 
when I needed a defense mechanism, I 
had one: If anybody got really mad at 
me in school, I would just try to make 
them laugh. I had a little trick—if 
somebody was coming at me on the 
sidewalk, I would trip over the curb 
and the guy would just laugh and walk 
. It's a defense mechanism that Im 
trying to get away from now, by the way. 


7 


PLAYBOY: The show has made you in- 
sanely rich. You were in the Forbes top 
100 celebrities last year. 

PERRY: I believe I was actually number 
25. I was surprised to see Bruce Spring- 
steen at 26. That was a very surreal 
moment for me. Britney Spears was 
number one the year before and then 
wasn't on the list. That was odd. It sug- 
gests how strange the list is. 


8 


PLAYBOY: Who can you now get on the 
phone that you couldn't if you hadn't 
been on Friends for the past 10 years? 


PERRY: Short of the president of the 


United States, just about anyone. If I 
placed a call to Tom Hanks, it would 
probably get returned eventually. 
That's very interesting. 1 placed a call 
to Steve Martin a few weeks ago, and 
he called me back after about 20 min- 
utes. That's not normal. There's alot of 
giggling under my blanket about what 
Tm able to do now, and I have taken 
advantage of those things. I can say toa 
group of people, “I want to see the 
French Open. Let's go to Paris tomor- 
row." And that’s amazing. But in order 
to stay sane, I have to realize that it's 
amazing. I realize I won the lottery. 


9 


PLAYBOY: You were a top-ranked 
junior tennis player. Who was your 
favorite pro? 

PERRY: Jimmy Connors, my favorite 
athlete of all time. I love McEnroe, but 
I was always a Connors guy. I had the 
same temperament as Connors when I 
was a kid—and the same bad haircut. 


10 


PLAYBOY: Which female tennis players 
do you like to watch? 

PERRY: J have to say Jen Capriati, of 
course, because I'm friends with her, 
and that changes everything. I mean, 
there are pictures of me having mental 
breakdowns while cheering her match- 
es. I was with her seconds after her big 
semifinals loss at the U.S. Open. I said, 
“The only way you can handle this is to 
go into the press conference and make 
a joke.” So when the reporter asked, 
“How do you feel?” she said, “What do 
you mean? I won, didn't I?" It’s also fun 
to watch the players who are just beau- 
tiful athletes. Jelena Dokic, of course, is 
great-looking. And it's awfully nice that 
they wear those outfits for me. 


11 


PLAYBOY: What is must-see TV for 
Matthew Perry? (concluded on page 157) 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY JEFF LIPSKY 


INSIDE PAMI 


poss Anderson is lounging in the 
Pied of her beach house in 
Malibu, California. She got home late 
last night from Las Vegas, where she 
attended her friend Elton John’s 
extravaganza, in which he performs 
“The Bitch Is Back" in front of a 30-foot- 
tall screen that shows Pam pole dancing. 
"That's just one place she isappearing 


these days She has one of the web's most 
visited sites (pamelaanderson.com), and 
the cartoon series she created with 
Marvel Comics legend Stan Lee, Strip- 
perella, depicts Pam as a superheroine 
who can cut glass with her nipples. A 
devout vegetarian and animal-rights 
activist, Pam also recently appeared in a 
pro-vegetarian ad wearing a bikini made 


Any star can take it off. Superstar glamour 
icon Pam Anderson opens up 


of lettuce, which caused even devoted 
carnivores to crave salad. 

Pam is single and spends much of 
her time doting on her two children 
with ex-husband Tommy Lee, but 
she's also busy with a new clothing 
line, for which she recently shot а cate 
alog. “It was very strange having to 
keep my clothes on,” she explains. “My 


instinct is to fling them off.” Thankfully 
she reserved that pleasure for us—in 
this, her ninth pictorial for PLAYBOY. 
She also breaks her own record for the 
most covers in the magazine's 50 years. 
Editor David Sheff got the latest from 
America's greatest glamour queen. 


PLAYBOY: What does it mean to you that 
this is your 11th time on our cover? 
ANDERSON: Í love that 1 can still do it, 
especially because some people don't 
approve. After all these years people 
are still hung up about it. Look at the 
reaction to Janet Jackson's nipple. 
PLAYBOY: Were you surprised by that 
reaction? 
ANDERSON: Í understand that you aren't 
expecting to see a breast while you're 
watching the Super Bowl, but I don't 
understand the outrage—the fainting, 
the “My god, I'll never be able to have 
sex with my husband again" and “My 
kids are destroyed.” Over a nipple? 
Come on. It's got to be the Bible Belt 
people, for whom everything about. 
sex is repressed. When people pre- 
tend that sexuality isn't a part of our 
lives, the ugly stuff comes out. I've 
never understood why our children 
can see violence but not sexuality. Lord 
of the Rings is fine but not Lord of the 
Nipple Rings. 
PLAYBOY: Have you ever experienced a 
wardrobe malfunction? 
ANDERSON: Everything is always pop- 
ping off me. Clothes and 1 are like two 
magnets opposing each other. Many 
times it could have been my Janet 
Jackson moment, though vithout the 
nipple ring. 
PLAYBOY: You don't go for that? 
ANDERSON: Tommy used to tell me to 
get my nipples pierced, but no way. He 
talked me into too many tattoos as it is. 
PLAYBOY: Your divorce from Lee was 
well covered in the press. Some peo- 
ple can't understand how, after all 
that, you claim that the two of you are 
still good friends. 
ANDERSON: We are good friends. We'll 
always love each other, plus we have a 
connection with our children that we 
take seriously. It's true that there was а 
time when I had to stand up to him for 
myself and the children, but he loves 
me for it. We're there for each other. It 
makes it tough for anybody else who 
comes into my life. 
PLAYBOY: Is that what got in the way of 
your relationship with Kid Rock? 
ANDERSON: If I'm going to be with 
someone, he has to bring stability to my 
life, not the opposite. Being on tour 
with someone isn't good for my health, 
and I just had to make a choice. I adore 
but I'm better off being on 
my own here in Malibu 
PLAYBOY. After your experience of hav- 
ing the private sex video of you and 


Tommy released to the public, do you 
have any advice for Paris Hilton, who is 
also featured in a stolen sex tape? 
ANDERSON: She should have kept her 
shoes on. 

PLAYBOY: Is another lesson not to tape 
yourself? 

ANDERSON: Not at all. What propi d do 
in private is their own busine: fun 
to tape yourself. Put these thi Do in 
perspective. Save your energy for car- 
ing about the important things. 
PLAYBOY: Such as, we imagine, learning 
that you have hepatitis C. Were you 
devastated? 

ANDERSON: At first. When the doctor 
told me, I said, “Okay, how do I get rid 
of it?" And he said, "You can't get rid of 
it. This is something you could die 
from." I would think of my kids and 
break into tears. Since then I've 
learned about the disease. They grade 
the liver from zero, which is healthy, to 
four, which is cirrhosis. I'm a onc, so 
for now I'm fine. 

PLAYBOY: Are you getting treatments? 
ANDERSON: Only homeopathic medi 
cine. If I were in a later stage, I don't 
know what I would do. They use inter- 
feron, which can have great results. 
But I'm not big into Western medicine. 
I don't even like to take Tylenol. 1f it 
got really bad, I don't know if I could 
get a liver transplant. ГИ cross that 
bridge when I come to it. 

PLAYBOY: You've said that you contract- 
ed it from Lee when you shared a tat- 
too needle. 

ANDERSON: We don't really know, but 
it's very hard to get. You can't get it 
through sex unless there's blood-to- 
blood contact, It’s usually through 
drug use or tattoo needles. I've tried to 
bring awareness to the disease and let 
people know that it doesn't discrimi- 
nate. Kings and queens and bums and 
addicts and rock stars and actresses all 
have this. So I just take care of myself 
and keep my immune system strong. 
Since I've had kids, I've been uninter- 
ested in partying much. Usually I'm in 
bed with the boys at nine, though 
Elton's show was an exception. 
PLAYBOY: We wouldn't mind seeing a 
30-foot-tall screen of you pole dancing. 
How was it for yor 

ANDERSON: I sat in the front row, and 
Elton was singing right to me. We've 
had some great fun. For one of his 
birthdays I wore a strawberry biki 
and carried in a strawberry cake. And 
he kissed me. He actually stuck his 
tongue down my throat, which you 
wouldn't expect from Elton John. 
PLAYBOY: What inspired Stripperella? 
ANDERSON: Stan Lee and | wanted to do 
a sexy, campy cartoon. She's a stripper 
at night and a superhero later at night. 
It's just one of the things I've been 
doing. I also have the clothing 


SEE PAM ANDERSON S: 


PLAYMATE. 
CICTORIALAL.CYBERPLAYBOYCOM- — 


which is 100 percent cruelty-frec—no 
animal products, no animal testing, 
nonlcather. 1 like that I can do so many. 
different things, from helping educate 
people about the cruel way we treat 
animals to writing a column for women's 
magazines to posing nude in PLAYBOY. 
PLAYBOY: Most women who are lusted 
after by men are loathed by other 
women. And yet you write a column for 
Jane, a women's magazine. 
ANDERSON: When I did TV shows and 
movies, the studios did demographic 
research. They were shocked to find 
it my audience isn't just men who 
o drunk to turn off the TV after 
| It's women, too. I don't know 


exactly why, other than that I've tried 
to remain true to myself for all these 
years. I have gone through a lot, and 
I've been open about it. Maybe they 
look at me and can sce how you can 
grow up, have children, continue to be 
sexy, get married and divorced and, 
though you grew up poor, live the 
American dream. I'm very blessed. I'm. 
happy for it all. 

PLAYBOY: Even for the painful times? 
ANDERSON: Absolutely. Pain just gets 
you to yourself faster. I look around 
and see that I've made good choices. 
My kids are happy, and we're sitting 
here in my dream house on the 
beach. Hopefully I went through it all 


with some grace and dignity. 
PLAYBOY: You recently asked, “How 
long does it take to become a virgin 
again?" Are you trying? 

ANDERSON: Yeah. How long does it take? 
I must almost be there. 

PLAYBOY: Do you miss sex? 

ANDERSON: It’s just not at the top of my 
list. I'm sure it will be shortly, but I've 
had enough sex for a while. Who 
knows what will happen? If I don't 
have a relationship until my kids are 
18, that's okay with me. That's nor 
where my head is at right now. I'm con- 
tent doing exactly what I'm doing. I'm 
36 and I'm on the cover of PLAYBOY. 
That's not too bad, is it? 


PLAYBOY 


134 


DISHONOR nic om pe 112) 


The street was shrouded in smoke, slick with blood. 
The Iraqis weren't so much shot as shredded. 


Iraq war was near, B Company geared 
up, strapped on extra ammunition and 
headed to what the soldiers called “am- 
bush alley,” an eight-lane intersection 
on the east side of the Baghdad ai 
port, where U.S. troops and convoys 
faced a near-constant barrage from 
rooftop snipers. “We heard there were 
50 Syrian fighters up there, and we 
went to take the knuckleheads out,” 
recalls Sergeant Frank Linda, a member 
of B Company's second platoon and a 
close friend of Davis's. "It seemed like 
it was always B Company cleaning up 
other people's messes. Other companies 
would just roll through these places, but 
if we were getting shot at we'd stop and 
level everything in a four-block radius— 
we didn't fuck around in B Company." 

The firefight that followed lasted five 
hours and would turn outto be one of 
the most hellish and controversial 
engagements of the war. The fighting 
began as the formation of Abrams 
tanks and Bradley Fighting Vehicles 
swung into the street, where a tank 
gunner had spotted snipers on the roof 
of a tall office building at the northern 
end of the intersection. The gunner 
fired a 120-millimeter shell, and the 
wind force it generated as it hurtled 
through the air blew out all the win- 
dows along the street. The round 
struck the office building, pulverizing 
the middle stories. The enemy fighters 
on top of the building were blown into 
the air and then were sucked back 
down into the flaming rubble. 

A second or two passed in silence. 
Then the entire street exploded with 
gunfire. Bullets and rocket-propelled 
grenades struck the convoy from every 
direction. Sitting in their Bradleys, the 
men watched the metal armor dent in- 
ward from direct hits by RPGs. “Holy 
fuck!" one of them cried out, his voice 
drowned by the deafening explosions. 
Trapped inside the hot metal interior, 
sandwiched together on narrow seats 
illuminated by the glow of LED lights, 
the men looked wide-eyed at one 
another and wondered if the armor 
would hold. 

The American vehicles opened fire, 
pumping rounds into every building 
in the intersection. The Bradley gun- 
ners—one of whom was Private First 
Class Jacob Burgoyne, a 24-year-old 
from Middleburg, Florida—entered 
the street. With the 25-millimeter 
Bushmaster cannon clicked on autofire, 
Burgoyne and the others unloaded a 


barrage of 200 rounds a minute. Iraqis 
at dose range hid behind cars and bun- 
kers that offered no protection from 
these armor-piercing, depleted-uranium 
rounds, which were designed to pene- 
trate tanks. The Iraqis weren't so much 
shot as shredded, sliced to pieces. 

After several minutes of steady fir- 
ing, the commanders ordered a "hold 
fire." The street was shrouded in 
smoke, slick with blood and body parts. 
“You saw legs, arms and just meat,” 
one soldier says. “There was—I don't 
know what it was. It looked like a big 
steak stuck to the side of our Bradley, 
and later we had to ресі it off... We 
took a picture, though." 

“Dismount left!” shouted the com- 
mander in Davis's Bradley. The six- 
man squad released the gangplank and 
sprinted to their lefi, into the rubble of 
the nearest house. 

As they assessed what remained of 
the office building, a suicide attacker 
wearing an explosive vest ran toward a 
squad farther up the street; he deto- 
nated himself before reaching the 
squad, but shrapnel struck a captain in 
his arm and hand. “That's when the 
gloves came off,” one soldier reportedly 
said afterward. All combatants taken 
prisoner were thenceforth treated as 
potential suicide bombers. According 
to an Army investigation, the battle's 
field colonel, after smoking two cigars 
during the fight, aimed his pistol at a 
combatant lying on the ground whom 
he suspected (falsely) of concealing a 
live grenade and shot him. (An investi- 
gation into the shooting was reopened 
in February.) 

The Army has not released Iraqi 
casualty reports, but it's estimated as 
many as 100 enemy died during this 
exchange, and bodies were reported 
to be “piled in the streets.” The hours 
following the initial gunfight saw such 
carnage that the men of B Company 
were calling ambush alley “the mid- 
town massacre.” 

Late in the day Davis and his team 
buddy, Specialist Greg Pruitt, were 
paired on a house-to-house search. The 
two were momentarily separated as 
Davis climbed a wrecked staircase with 
two other men while Pruitt guarded the 
front door. A second team, made up of 
Woodcoff and another man, went down 
to a dark basement flooded knee-deep 
with water. From his position Pruitt 
could hear shots coming from above 
and below. Suddenly an Iraqi whom 


Woodcoff had injured crawled out from 
a basement window. Pruitt shot him. 
twice with his SAW, a light machine gun 
capable of firing 750 rounds a minute. 
A few moments later Woodcoff re- 
turned from the basement, pushing 
two prisoners in front of him. 

“I guess Woodcoff made them strip, 
because one of them had no pants, and 
the other guy was buck naked," says 
Pruitt. "The one with no pants, he'd 
had his arm blown off from a Bradley 
round. Richard came down and the 
sergeant told us to guard them, so we 
punched them to the ground." Then 
Davis did something strange. accord- 
ing to Pruitt. Whether the madness of 
the moment brought on a primal re- 
sponse in Davis or he was simply 
enjoying the prerogative of the con- 
queror, he "messed with the guy's 
shoulder and dug his hand inside the 
wound” as Pruitt watched. 

“Fuck you, you Iraqi puke,” Davis 
screamed, according to Pruitt, spitting 
on the wounded soldier. “1 should kill 
you, you puke! 

Later, back at Fort Benning, attempt- 
ing to put Davis's behavior in context, a 
soldier who spoke on the condition of 
anonymity said, “You know, it's not like 
what they tell you, the Geneva Conven- 
tion and all that, When you're ina 
fight, you don't try to take prisoners or 
help the wounded. You finish people 
and keep moving. Tap-tap, two in the 
chest. At least that's how we did it.” 
Sull, of the four Iraqi POWs who sur- 
vived the midtown massacre, two were 
under Davis's watch. 

B Company's next mission was to 
guard more than 30 tractor trailers 
packed with rockets, ammunition and 
high explosives that the departing gov- 
ernment had left parked in the middle 
of Baghdad. For the next several days 
Davis's platoon had orders to protect 
this cache from suicide attackers. The 
men cordoned off the area and took up 
positions on the roofs of the surround- 
ing buildings. The job: Create a per- 
imeter around the vehicles and disable 
any car that passes the safety zone. 

“If a car had hit a truck, it would 
have blown up the entire area,” says 
Specialist Donald Duncan, 27, who was 
stationed on a roof adjacent to Davis's. 
“We'd all be dead.” 

The days on the roof passed slowly. 
The soldiers watched the street below 
and waited. Then the first car ap- 
proached. A blue sedan ignored their 
warning shots and sped straight to- 
ward the parked trucks, at which point 
Davis's and Duncan's squads opened 
fire. Their MI6 rounds perforated the 
car's sheet metal roof, blew through 
the occupants and exited the other 
side. They would continue to shoot ata 
steady trickle of vehicles—sometimes 


"Ordinarily I don't like Shakespeare!" 


PLAYBOY 


136 


one, sometimes two a day—and re- 
mained edgy from hearing radio reports 
of more soldiers killed by suicide bombs. 

“There were women and children in 
those cars sometimes, and you wondered 
if they didn't know what was going on 
when they heard the shots and just kept 
going or if they really were trying to get 
us," says Duncan. At that post for a week, 
he estimates that he went through eight 
magazines and that Davis, who had rea- 
son to fire more often, went through 11 
or 12—more than 330 rounds. 

When a car stopped moving “we just 
left them there,” a soldier in Davis's 
squad recalls. “What was there to check? 
Everybody inside was dead. People 
would come and take out their relatives 
or whatever.” 


OCCUPATION 


On May 1 President Bush declared vic- 
tory from aboard the aircraft carricr 
USS Abraham Lincoln. For the next two 
months the men of B Company re- 
mained in and around Baghdad. They 
constructed a temporary base in the rear 
buildings of a technical college. At the 
entrance was an Iraqi skull that Davis 
had stuck a knife into and mounted on 
a stick as a kind of mascot. “We saw it 


every day,” recalls Pruitt, “but nobody 
wanted to take it down. The officers 
weren't going to take it down, man. 
They didn't even come back there. They 
were scared of us.” 

The Bradleys were “total wrecks,” one 
soldier recalls. Nerves were fraying. 
Morale had slipped. The euphoria of 
conquest had given way to the dispirit- 
ing reality of occupation: having to carry 
60 pounds of gear and protective armor 
for eight-hour patrols day after day. 
Rations were short, so two men had to 
share one ready-to-eat meal. They were 
fatigued. hungry. 15 or 20 pounds 
lighter than they were before the inva- 
sion and shrouded in dirt—their last hot 
shower was a lifetime ago, in Kuwait. 

The men of Company B patrolled 
dusty streets lined with high cement 
walls behind which lurked both curious 
children and dangerous snipers. Davis 
took his usual place in their snaky 
single file, third of seven, as they 
looked for “suspicious shit,” especially 
weapons and fedayeen, the elite Iraqi 
fighters. Nearly every day the platoon 
would find weapons caches—a crate of 
20 rifles lying in an alleyway, a box of 
grenades under a tree. In a school 
gymnasium they found machine guns 


“She’s the new antidepressant his doctor prescribed.” 


neatly stacked from floor to ceiling. 

The Iraqi leadership "left hoping the 
people would take up arms,” says a sol- 
dier who was there. “It’s a damn good 
thing they didn't, or a lot more of us 
would be dead." 

Going from house to house presented 
temptations for the Americans, especially 
when the homes belonged to Saddam's 
family or members of his regime. Some 
men took small weapons, knives, night- 
vision goggles, silver, gold, cash, jewels— 
whatever they could find and fit in 
their pockets. 

One day at a crowded corner near a 
marketplace, Davis's squad approached 
a cluster of older Iraqis and asked, 
“Fedayeen? Fedayeen?" A frail white- 
haired man wearing a turban spoke 
English, and he began to reveal the loca- 
tion of a fedayeen group nearby. Before 
he could finish, a young man in Western 
clothes ran over and berated him in Ara- 
bic, struck the man as if to silence him, 
then took off running in the opposite 
direction. “We shot that idiot in the leg,” 
Duncan recalls, “then dragged him back 
to the Bradley,” where he was hog-tied 
and thrown in the hatch. “Can you imag- 
ine looking up in that dark, tight space 
and all you see are seven American sol- 
diers staring down at you?” The entire 
squad “waled on him pretty good," kick- 
ing and smashing him on the floor of the 
Bradley. They dropped him, still hog- 
tied, at a meeting point for military intel- 
ligence to pick up. As the prisoner lay 
there Davis poked him, pretending to be 
a medic. “Does this hurt here?” Davi: 
asked. “Yes, yes, it hurts,” said the Iraq 
“What about here? Does this hurt? How 
about here? Here? Here?" One soldier 
recalls, “He kept poking that guy.” He 
laughs at the recollection. “Yeah, 
Richard was an idiot.” 

As conditions worsened, Davis “started 
isolating himself from the platoon,” says 
onc soldier who knew him, speaking on 
the condition of anonymity. “It wasn't 
like we hated him or anything—he just 
became a loner.” He was always running 
off somewhere. Recalls Pruitt, “You 
could never find him when you needed 
to, because he never hung around. He 
always went out looking for stuff.” 

Davis's solo raids were annoying, but 
ever the resourceful soldier, he always 
returned with useful items—hoses and 
clamps to improvise a shower system, 
Iraqi flags, swords, AK-47s. One day, 
searching an underground palace, Davis 
found a bathroom richly appointed with 
pink-marble sinks, a solid-gold toilet and 
silver tissue box encrusted with jewels. 
e said he wanted to try to take the toi- 
let," recalls his friend Sergeant Linda, 
"but the captain came along and said 
no." Davis took the jeweled tissue box 
instead. Duncan recalls his reaction: 
“Whoa! That's nice. Where'd you get it?” 
Davis squirreled his souvenir away; it was 
the last time anyone reported seeing it. 


On May 5 Richard Davis called home 
and spoke to his father for half an hour. 
He was in a good mood, Lanny recalls, 
because he believed he'd be coming 
home soon. “He was looking forward to 
working on his car.” 

Fifteen days later something had 
clearly gone wrong. Davis borrowed a 
cell phone from a reservist. The excite- 
ment that had characterized his early 
calls home was now gone, replaced by 
terror and anguish. “Dad, you gotta get 
me out of here,” Richard said. He was 
crying. Lanny said he couldn't do that 
“If I had, Richard would never have 
forgiven me. 1 figured he was going to 
have to work it through.” But the call 
haunts Lanny; he would hear it in his 
head over and over and try to discern in 
his son’s jumbled plea the exact nature 
of his distress. “He said he was afraid of 
everybody, that he couldn't trust no- 
body. I don't know if he was talking 
about the Iraqis or his own people, but 
he was scared.” 

Six weeks passed, and finally, during 
the first week of July 2003, the men of B 
Company were sent back to Kuwait to be 
decommissioned en route to the States. 
They weren't treated to a welcoming 
reception. “When we got back to Kuwait,” 
says Duncan, “we all walked into the 
chow hall together, with our dirty uni- 
forms, looking all banged up. It was like 
a movie. Everybody stopped eating and 
stared. Nobody would talk to us. They 
were told to stay away from us. They said 
we were crazy murderers and rapists.” 
Duncan pauses and looks at his hands. 
“Well, [ can see the murder part, seeing 
as how we did kill a lot of people.” 

The men were supposed to relax 
the relative safety of the rear camp in 
Kuwait and “get out of God mode, where 
we could kill anyone,” one soldier recalls. 
But the hot tents and close quarters, 
combined with the sudden absence of an 
enemy toward which they could channel 
their aggression, had the opposite effect, 
and the men took to fighting among 
themselves. “Everyone fought in the 


STEWARD 
A COMPLAINT! LAST NIGHT 
A DRUNKEN SEAMAN 
TRIED TO GET INTO 
MY CABIN! 


desert,” says one soldier. “People were 
getting into it all the time. It was a 
pretty bad scene.” 

According to Lanny, Richard confided 
in a friend in Kuwait, a medic named 
Edward Wolf. “Don't mention this to 
anyone,” Davis pleaded before showing 
Wolf his hand. It had been deeply punc- 
tured by a knife, the wound still open. 
Wolf applied a bandage. Richard told 
Wolf—according to Lanny, who had spo- 
ken with Army investigators—that the 
stabbing had been “a gang-related ritual” 
he'd suffered at the hands of two fellow 
soldiers in his platoon: Alberto Martinez, 
23, a father of two from Oceanside, Cali- 
fornia, and Mario Navarrete, 24, of San 
Juan, Puerto Rico—buddies who were 
always seen together. The two were 
thought of as reliable and levelheaded 
soldiers, but Martinez had a reputation 
as a gangbanger. “He bragged about 
having greased people before joining 
the military,” says a B Company soldier. 
Greg Pruitt recalls an incident in Iraq 
that took place when he and Martinez 
returned to the makeshift base after 
guarding a shopping mall. Martinez was 
lewdly rocking his hips, Pruitt says, and 
holding his hands as if he were grabbing 
a woman's waist. 

“I know you did something, or you 
wouldn't be smiling,” Pruitt said. Mar- 
tinez hesitated, then responded that he 
and Navarrete had just “fucked two 
Iraqi girls” in the shopping center. “I bet 
you didn't use a condom,” Pruitt said. 
Martinez said he had, but Pruitt didn't. 
believe him. He did not think much 
about this conversation until many 
months later. 


FORT BENNING 


B Company reassembled at Fort Ben- 
ning, its home post, bound on one side 
by Victory Drive, a six-lane wasteland of 
used-car lots, tattoo parlors and strip 
clubs near the small town of Columbus. 
Later, those who knew Richard Davis 
and Jacob Burgoyne would remark that 
it was strange these men didn't head 


1 I HAVE 


their separate ways once they returned, 
for they disliked each other from the 
instant they met. They had a lot in 
common—both were raised by idealized 
soldier fathers and had grown up in the 
shadows of their fathers’ exploits—but 
perhaps they were too similar to be 
friends. When they metat Fort Benning 
in early January 2002, each was busy 
proving to his drinking buddies that he 
was capable of screwing around with 
the military's restrictions. Davis climbed 
a balcony railing, leaped to a narrow 
ledge and playacted a suicide. “I can't 
take it anymore,” he shouted, laughing. 
"Im going to end it.” 

Burgoyne, who had struggled with 
depression and suicidal thoughts, was 
not amused. Не told Davis to get the hell 
down or he'd “smoke his ass." Davis 
laughed, jumped down from the railing, 
got right in Burgoyne's face and laughed 
again, and he continued to laugh as 
Burgoyne grew livid and then sucker 
punched him. 

Burgoyne is over six feet tall, thick in 
the chest and back with a boxer's rounded 
shoulders. In fact, brawling was his spe- 
cialty: He fought at every opportunity, 
never lost and once punched a fellow 
soldier so hard the man fell into a coma. 
“Burgoyne was a friend of mine,” one 
soldier says, “but he was pretty erratic. 
He could flip on you quick, so you tried 
to stay on his good side.” 

“Everyone was afraid of Burgoyne,” 
Linda says. “But Richard wasn't." 

Davis and Burgoyne were assigned to 
live across from each other and share a 
bathroom in Fort Benning's dormitory- 
style living quarters. Burgoyne had 
flown back from Kuwait two days before 
Davis. He'd come home a deeply trou- 
bled man, having attempted suicide on 
July 5 while in Kuwait. Army medical 
records uncovered by United Press 
International show that Burgoyne had 
expressed “homicidal and su al” 
thinking and been diagnosed with post- 
traumatic stress disorder. 

“Patient views his role in killing enemy 


WHAT DO 
You EXPECT ON 
А DISCOUNT 


PTAIN 


PLAYBOY 


138 


soldiers in a poor light, inquiring if he 
should feel like a murderer,” according 
to a hospital note written in Kuwait on 
July 7. Army counselors ordered that 
Burgoyne be kept under watch at all 
times and not be allowed near a 
weapon. Back at Fort Benning, though, 
a different conclusion was reached. 
After a 40-minute interview in which 
Burgoyne said he was feeling better, he 
was released to do as he pleased, which 
included going out drinking at a strip 
club with Davis, Navarrete, Woodcoff 
and Martinez. 


PART 11: FOUND 


By mid-August, back in St. Charles, Mis- 
souri, Lanny and Remy were growing 
frantic; an entire month had passed 
without any word from their son. Lanny 
abandoned his gravel-hauling business 
to devote himself to the search. The first 
step, he knew, was critical: convincing 
the military to list his son as a missing 
person rather than AWOL. The dis- 
tinction is an important one. Missing- 
persons cases are investigated—they are 
entered into a national database that dis- 
tributes information to police depart- 
ments across the country—whereas 
AWOL cases are not. The Army doesn't 
chase AWOL soldiers. After dozens of 
phone calls, Lanny, exasperated, told his 
wife, “I think I better go down there, 
because they’re not giving me any infor- 
mation whatsoever on the phone.” 


If I surprise them, maybe they won't 
give me a line of crap, Lanny thought to 
himself on the afternoon of August 19, 
2003 as he got into his truck and headed 
east. All he wanted, he kept telling him- 
self, was a level playing field. “Fair is 
fair,” he likes to say. "I'm not looking for 
special treatment because I'm a veteran, 
but I don't like it when people treat me 
like they don't have to bother. Hell, I'm 
educated. I'm not dumb. Some people 
act like because you were in the military 
you're stupid." 

Lanny had grown up dirt poor, the 
son of a sharecropper, living in a rickety 
shack on the Arkansas plains, eating 
peanuts out of the ground, hunting and 
fishing for food. He was one of 10 kids, 
four of whom joined the military. The 
Army helped him climb into the middle 
class, but the journcy left him sensitive to 
inequality. He spoke out often, his 
demands for fairness articulated in a 
hoarse and scratchy voice, a condition 
resulting from an encounter with a Viet 
Cong soldier who jammed a rifle butt 
into Lanny's trachea, crushing his vocal 
cords. Lanny shot the man at close 
range, killing him. 

At the Fort Benning checkpoint Lanny 
flashed his retired-military 1D and was 
waved through. He tracked down First 
Sergeant Sabala, his son's superior offi- 
cer, but got nowhere. He asked Sabala 
for someone who might have been “close 
with his son,” but the sergeant told him, 


“I changed my mind. Keep the brain. I want a really huge penis!” 


“Richard was a loner. No one really 
knew him. He kept to himself, so I don’t 
think there's anyone here who could tell 
you much. I myself hardly knew him. I 
was pretty new to this platoon. We're 
doing all we can to find him, though." 

At these words, Lanny boiled over. “I 
don’t know what you're trying to pull, 
First Sergeant, but I'm retired military 
police—I know the situations. If my son 
was the worst guy in the battalion, he 
would be known as the worst guy in the 
battalion, but he would be known.” 

Lanny stayed in a hotel room near 
Fort Benning and spent the next three 
days canvassing every authority and every 
department at the post. He slammed 
into one bureaucratic brick wall after 
another. He asked to see if his son's bank 
account had been tapped, and no one 
called him back. He went to the person- 
nel office to see his son's effects, looking 
“for simple things...maybe evidence of 
what happened to him or where he 
might have went." The presiding officer 
told him it would be an invasion of pri- 
vacy. “Well, 7 am his father," Lanny 
replied. “I’m not going to take any- 
thing.” Increasingly frustrated, Lanny 
went “off-post” to the Columbus police 
station, where he tried to file a missing- 
persons report. The desk officer was 
sympathetic but told him that only the 
military handles military-related issues. 

Lanny drove home in a state of deep 
despair. Groping for a plausible expla- 
nation, he surmised that Richard might 
have developed post-traumatic stress 
disorder, from which Lanny himself has 
suffered since Vietnam. “Maybe he hada 
touch of amnesia or a blackout or some- 
thing and just kind of wandered away,” 
he told his wife. This was a thin theory, 
Lanny knew, but at least it was somewhat 
optimistic and comforting. In his gut, 
however, he felt that the truth was far 
worse. As he steered his pickup onto the 
highway, back toward Missouri, one con- 
clusion kept pushing the others aside: 
Richard is probably dead. 

On September 8 Lanny called his 
congressman, Kenny Hulshof, and got 
results. The congressman contacted the 
office of Secretary of Defense Donald 
Rumsfeld, demanding that the Depart- 
ment of Defense investigate the disap- 
pearance of Richard Davis. By Septem- 
ber 16 an inquiry had been launched. 
Army detectives began interviewing the 
men in Davis's platoon. 

"Ihe men of B Company stonewalled. 
Nobody knew where Davis was. But when 
detectives began to cross-examine them 
more seriously, threatening jail time if the 
men withheld information, there was a 
break in the case. A single soldier came 
forward and repeated the rumor he had 
been hearing for weeks: Four men—Bur- 
goyne, Martinez, Navarrete and Wood- 
coff—had left Davis lying in the woods 
near the 4400 block of Milgen Road. 


MILGEN ROAD 


During working hours there are only 
two reasons to drive to the 4400 block of 
Milgen Road, a two-lane street intersect- 
ing Manchester Expressway, one of 
Columbus's busiest strips: to look for a 
bed or a weapon. The mattress store 
(DOUBLES ARE ONLY $99) is next to a gun 
store and range called Shooters. Both 
businesses have small parking lots in 
front, but when these are filled cus- 
tomers park across the street on a gravel 
shoulder about as wide as three vehicles 
and twice as long. At night this part of. 
Milgen Road is dark and quiet, and the 
wooded area bchind the gravel shoulder, 
though only 100 yards deep. can seem 
like the most secluded place on earth. 

"We came up here, and the funny 
thing is, we started seeing bones, little 
bones along the pathway as we were 
walking up—even before we got to the 
corpse," says Detective Bernard Spicer 
of the Columbus Police Department. 
“There was a piece of a leg, a thigh bone 
here, a bone there. The torso and head 
were lying there, next to that log, and 
you can see the burn marks on the log 
from where they burned the body. That 
was all that was left of him—the head 
and the torso. The ribs and such, every- 
thing else, the animals got to and was 
scattered all around." 

It’s a month and a half later, and as 
Spicer walks the crime scene, the trees 
are bare and the ground strewn with 
garbage: a Budweiser can, a refrigerator, 
pieces of furniture. Peeking through the 
other side of the woods is the mowed 
lawn ofa public park, a walking trail and 
a lake where a brood of ducks waddles 
and swims. "We found a knife at the 
scene and a set of keys, too," Spicer con- 
tinues. "And there was some kind of 
cap—iike a skullcap—on his head. I don't 
know why he would have been wearing 
that in the Georgia summer, so all I can 
assume is that they put it on him." 

Spicer, who has spent 14 years with 
the Columbus Police Department, adds, 
"Sometimes you see that in a homicide, 
where the victim's face or head is cov- 
ered. It's a sign that they cared for the 
victim, an expression of love or some- 
thing like that. It’s when they hate the 
victim that you find the face battered in 
or desecrated." 

The same day the skeleton was discov- 
ered, military police arrested the four 
men of B Company while they were 
training at Fort Benning. They were de- 
livered to the Columbus police for inter- 
rogation. Detective Drew Tyner, a 17- 
year veteran of the Columbus Police 
Department, took control of the case. A 
large man with a basketball player's 
build, Tyner speaks slowly and deliber- 
ately, as if inspecting every shade of 
meaning before allowing a word to leave 
his mouth. Tyner had already inter- 
viewed members of Davis's platoon and 
had heard stories about the fearsome 


Burgoyne, but he was disappointed to 
find instead “your typical bully,” puffed 
up with false bravado. Three days later, 
after questioning Burgoyne and Navar- 
rete, Tyner appeared at the November 
10 Recorders Court hearing to testify 
about how the men of B Company de- 
scribed what they had done to Specialist 
Richard Davis. 

“Once they got outside into the park- 
ing lot, the guys were upset with Mr. 
Davis for getting them thrown out of the 
club,” Tyner began his testimony, choos- 
ing his words carefully. “Mr. Burgoyne 
and Mr. Davis started striking one an- 
other and got into an argument in the 
parking lot. They got into the car that 
they had come in. They drove around 
for a bit. At that time they were all still 
arguing with Mr. Davis. They came to a 
location where he didn't know exactly 
where they were. The driver stopped the 
car, and they all got out." 

The fighting continued. Burgoyne and 
Davis were duking it out; Navarrete 
joined in. All of a sudden, and with no 
apparent motive, Martinez pulled a knife 
with a three-inch blade, rushed Davis 
and stabbed him, at which point there 
was an emission of “frothy blood” from 
his side, Navarrete told police. Davis fell 
to the ground. According to Burgoyne's 
statement, he began to talk to Martinez, 
trying to get him to stop. Martinez re- 
fused. According to a lawyer close to the 
case, Burgoyne told Martinez it wasn't 
too late, that they could still take Davis to 
the hospital. He told Martinez to think of 
his family, his son. But Martinez contin- 
ued to stab Davis. At this point, accord- 
ing to his statement, Burgoyne turned 
his back on Martinez and walked away as 
Martinez stabbed Davis over and over. 

Navarrete's statement mirrors Bur- 
goyne's up to this point but then dif- 
fers. He said he tried to stop Martinez 
but that Burgoyne stepped between 
them, blocking his мау. “*He's got to 
do what he's got to do,’” Navarrete 
recalled Burgoyne saying. Then both 
Navarrete and Burgoyne turned away, 
allowing Martinez to continue the 
killing. (Woodcoff refused to make a 
statement, but Burgoyne and Navar- 
rete agreed that Woodcoff had not 
taken part in the assault.) 

According to police, Burgoyne and 
Navarrete said they, along with Mar- 
tinez, then dragged Davis's body into 
the woods, near a fallen tree about 50 
yards from the road. The four then 
drove to a nearby convenience store 
and gas station and purchased a con- 
tainer of lighter fluid. They returned to 
Davis's body. At this point lighter fluid 
was poured on Davis. Burgoyne struck 
a match and threw it down. Davis's 
body was engulfed in flames. 

Burgoyne, according to his own ad- 
mission, suggested to Martinez that he 
change the tires on his car and wash 
the interior. Three or four days later, 


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planning to bury Davis, they returned 
to the scene minus Woodcoff, who 
couldn't be found. The ground was too 
hard for their shovels, they said, so 
they left the body lying in the weeds 
and returned to their post. 

Davis's remains puzzled the coroner. 
“He'd been stabbed at least 32 or 33 
times. That's what we counted on the 
bones,” the coroner says. “But we didn’t 
really count the legs—we concentrated 
on the torso and the head. He might 
have been stabbed a lot more than that, 
because we'd have no way of knowing 
about the fleshy parts of the body.” But 
the coroner is sure of one thing: The 
coup de grace had been a stab to the 
head that pierced Davis's skull. “It was 
over then for sure,” he says. “I just can’t 
see why anybody would do that to a fel- 
low soldier.” 


THEORIES 


Four against one. A bloodstained car. 
The more Lanny turned the story over 
in his mind, the more he became con- 
vinced that Burgoyne and Navarrete 


were lying. There was only one version 
that made sense to Lanny: His son was 
jumped, ganged up on in the strip club 
parking lot by all four men and shoved, 
bleeding, into the car. "It doesn't make 
any sense otherwise. You're going to tell 
me that my son would willingly get into 
the car of someone he just fought?” 

The way Lanny sees it, when the five 
soldiers pulled to the side of the road, 
four of them had already conspired to 
murder Davis. And Davis did not lie on 
the ground, quietly bleeding for 15 min- 
utes while Burgoyne tried to persuade 
Martinez not to take Davis's life. Davis 
was restrained while Martinez repeatedly 
stabbed him. One law enforcement 
officer believes this version as well, espe- 
cially considering Davis's physical condi- 
tion. “I don't find it credible that the 
first stab wound would have put him 
down,” he says. “Davis would still have 
been able to flee after one cut. Unless he 
was held down. 

“He was fighting for his life,” says 
Lanny, “and he was scared for his life. 
And these other three that were with 


“How would you like to appear on a new 
reality show I'm developing? How il works is you and several other 


women will have sex with me. I won't bother you with 
the rest of the details.” 


Martinez said they tried to stop Martinez 
several times by telling him not to do it. 
Well, I'm here to tell you straight up, 
that's not how you stop someone from 
either beating someone to death or stab- 
bing them to death. You don't just stand 
there and say, ‘Oh, I better stop it” My 
god, there's a murder being committed.” 

On the last day of November an e-mail 
was posted on a conservative open-forum 
Internet site. It was addressed to Davis's 
cousin Jennifer Lapuz, who had built a 
website commemorating his life. The 
writer said he had heard at Fort Benning 
a “soldier stating that the reason your 
cousin was murdered was because he had 
some information on the suspected indi- 
viduals who were involved in raping a 
young girl in Iraq and that your cousin 
was going to report them.” The author of 
the e-mail. who remains anonymous, 
went on: “It sounded sensible to me, 
because I doubt that your cousin was 
Killed over something as stupid as insult- 
ing a stripper in a nightclub.” 

A Columbus law enforcement official 
with knowledge of the case, speaking 
on the condition of anonymity, said he 
considered Burgoyne's and Navarrete's 
testimony “the biggest load of bull I've 
ever heard. But if that’s the lie they 
want to tell, and it’s still going to get 
them convicted, and we don't have 
nothing better, then that's what we go 
with.” The official doesn’t put much 
stock in Lanny's theories, however, dis- 
missing them as Internet chatter. “It 
was probably over something stupid. 
They didn’t like Davis to begin with— 
and to tell you the truth, it was easy for 
those guys to kill. They probably did it 
for the pleasure of it.” 

Still, the rape theory had been circu- 
lating in the platoon for some time, long 
before Lanny heard about the anony- 
mous e-mail. One soldier says, “Even 
before we heard Richard’s dad talk 
about that, me and some of my friends 
were saying that it might have been over 
an Iraqi girl.” 

But when Pruitt, Davis's team buddy, 
is asked about the theory that Davis had 
witnessed a rape involving Martinez and 
Navarrete and was killed because he 
planned to report it, his answer leaves 
no ambiguities g on his bunk at 
Fort Benning, disassembling his SAW, 
Pruitt says, “Even if he did see some- 
thing extravagant like that, I don't think 
he would've cared too much about it. 
Not Richard." 


Three of the men who on that warm 
July evening left the strip club with 
Richard Davis were charged with his 
murder. Martinez, Burgoyne and 
Navarrete were also accused of assault. 
and armed robbery. Now, as the case 
winds its vay through the courts, Lanny 
Davis feels he is close to cracking up. 
Conspiracies and hidden agendas pull 


on his mind. Why, he wonders, did First 
Sergeant Sabala lic to him, tell him that 
Davis was a loner, if he wasn't covering 
something up? Why did the Army send 
a lieutenant colonel to deliver the news 
of Davis's death when that job is nor- 
mally reserved for a captain or a high 
lieutenant? When an old Army buddy 
recently called, a man Lanny had not 
heard from in 30 years, he felt “strange 
about that, too" and couldn't help but 
wonder "if he'd been asked to call me, 
you know, to keep an eye on me." 

Troubling financial questions have 
yet to be answered. Davis's room was 
broken into after he was listed as 
AWOL (military police suspect one of 
the four defendants), and when Lanny 
received his son's effects nothing 
among them was of value—no jeweled 
tissue box, just a marble bathroom tile. 
According to Davis's bank statements, 
during his last afternoon alive he with- 
drew $1,000 in two separate transac- 
tions from ATMs in Columbus—yet the 
receipts found in his room suggest he 
purchased only a pack of tube socks 
and a pair of shorts. 

SQUARED AWAY 

Richard Davis was laid to rest on Decem- 
ber 13, the day before Saddam Hussein 
was discovered hiding in a hole. He was 
buried in a civilian cemetery in Sunset 
Hills Memorial Park in California—Lan- 
ny's decision—but the Army conducted 
the ceremony, with a 21-gun salute and 
all the pomp and ritual befitting the 
passing of a warrior. 

Lanny refused to wear his uniform. “I 
should take it out and burn it,” he says. 
He paid close attention to the proceed- 
ings. Several soldiers said kind things 
about Richard during the service. “He 
was resourceful” and “gave his last ciga- 
rette and meal away.” He was “creative” 
and “reliable,” and they told stories 
about how Richard jury-rigged a stove 
so the men could eat hot food. They said 
Richard always talked about going home 
and sharing his war stories with his 
father. Lanny felt these feel-good tales 
were patronizing, again believing he was 
being treated as a grieving father and 
not asa fellow soldier who knew some- 
thing was amiss. He wanted to know 
what his son was really like in the field. 

Lanny was even more bothered when 
Richard's captain called him a “brave 
and valiant soldier,” because he knew the 
captain had never even met his boy. 

At the conclusion ofa military funeral, 
the bereaved are given a velvet-lined 
oak box containing a folded American 
flag. Tucked inside the folds are three 
live M16 cartridges: two for defending 
the flag against the enemy, one for your- 
self if you are about to be captured. 
Lanny was grateful for the flag, and he 
noticed it had been folded perfectly, 
every line taut and symmetrical, squared 
away. “It’s got to be just right,” he says, 


“and those boys did a terrific job.” 

At the airport a security became 
alarmed by the bullets and reached for 
them before Lanny warned in his men- 
acing croak, "Don't mess with that flag." 

“I have to have those bullets, sir." 

"No you don't, son.” 

Lanny's voice turned cold and threat- 
ening: “Keep your hands off that flag.” 
The security guard stared at Lanny, 
who refused to concede. Lanny edged 
forward, putting himself within striking 
distance of the guard, and spoke. 
“That's all I've got left of my son,” he 
said. “And right now you are desecrat- 
ing his remains." 


On a mild January day in St. Charles, 
Lanny unfurls the canvas dust shield 
covering his son's souped-up Honda. 
"She sure can scat," he says. He ges- 
tures to a few slight dents on the body 
panel of the car. Kneeling, he traces the 
contours of the metal. “You can see he 
got a couple of ouches here,” Lanny 
says. “I was going to take them out, but 
now I think I might just leave them be. 
Because he did it.... Oh, I don’t know.” 

In the basement of the Davis home, 
his son left behind five storage boxes of 
belongings. As Lanny opens one of the 
boxes, he takes a breath and says, “Boy, if 
he knew we were doing this, he'd say it 
was an invasion of his privacy. I never 
seen half this stuff.” 

He flips past piles of LPs, posters, 
Army recruiting magazines and military 
comic books, pausing when he comes 
across an orange fright wig. "Rich, what 
the hell you doing with this?" he says, 
full of mirth. 

He lifis up a pair of black paratrooper 
boots and gives them a thorough exami- 
nation. He inspects the density of the 
rubber sole, pushing his fingers into the 
leather and feeling its suppleness, then 
tugs on the laces. “Yeah, they got them 
speed laces on boots now.... Richard had 
wide feet, size 9EE. Had to have his 
boots special ordered.” 

At the bottom of the box is a framed 
three-by-five of Richard in what can be 
described only as a state of pure bliss. 
He's wearing a T-shirt and jeans and is 
sprawled on a couch, grinning widely. 
His eyes are half closed, and whipped 
cream is smeared across his lips, pre- 
sumably applied by the busty naked 
woman who is leaning suggestively over 
him. “Pretty good-looking girl, Rich,” 
Lanny says in his gravely drawl. “Yeah, 
he's probably inebriated here. I remem- 
ber after Bosnia they went over to 
Turkey for like two weeks. And he told 
me, ‘Dad, the girls here let you do what- 
ever you Want.” 

Lanny pauses and smiles. "I told him, 
"Yeah, son, I been in some countries like 


that too." 
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PLAYBOY 


142 


THE BIG GUY 


(continued from page 78) 
agent called epitestosterone. Dr. Catlin 
informs Novitzky that sports dopers 
often take epitestosterone right before 
a drug test. 

As White grows closer to Anderson, 
Novitzky continues his late-night trash 
runs. In the back alley behind the small 
BALCO offices, located in a commercial 
strip 100 yards from Bay Area Fitness, 
he opens a big green Dumpster with his 
gloved hands, swipes the trash and 
drives away to scour his take. From 
among the soiled lunch remains he 
pulls out papers indicating that Conte is 
shipping more than mineral supple- 
ments. Though routine ZMA supple- 
ments are mailed to athletes such as 
Romanowski at their home addresses 
and under their real names, other pack- 
ages go out to players via Fed Ex under 
colorful pseudonyms. 

Novitzky also issues a subpoena for the 
medical waste pickup from BALCO 
Labs. Several loads of medical castoffs 
reveal a treasure trove: dozens of used 
syringes containing clear, oily substances; 
vials of nutropin, a human growth hor- 
mone; and vials of epogen and epocrit, 
drugs favored by cyclists and long- 
distance runners to improve endurance. 

The forensics lab at the San Mateo 
County sheriff's office tests the syringes 
and quickly identifies traditional steroi 
such as testosterone and stanozolol. 
The testers are stumped by three or four 
other samples, though. 

One day Novitzky scores a revealing 
piece of paper. "A blood test was done at 
an outside laboratory, Quest Diagnostics 
in L.A,” alleges White. “It was labeled B. 
BONDS." Shortly thereafter investigators 
retrieve correspondence from BALCO 
to the lab about a reputed error. The 
notice explains how B. Bonds's blood- 
test results should have been labeled as 
Greg Anderson's. 

When Novitzky shares his find with 
the undercover men at one of their peri- 
odic meetings, they laugh in triumph. 


(9 


Now why would BALCO want Bonds's 
blood work changed to Anderson's? 


ANDERSON OPENS UP 


By May White is part of the gym "s E 
circle, and the undercover cop is f 
the physical test of his life. The third 
member of his training group is a six- 
foot-seven behemoth of a college line- 
man. Anderson is deadly serious about 
lifting, and if White wants to get to 
Bonds, he's going to have to keep pace 
with the big boys. 

Anderson does his reps, grunting and 
breathing, and then they follow along. 
It's nonstop, except every once in a 
while Anderson's cell phone rings and 
he steps a good 15 feet away. From the 
trainer's body language it’s clear these 
are business calls. 

Even this close to Anderson, White 
finds it hard to guess his bulk. He knows 
he's bull-strong, but his long sleeves and 
sweats mask his build. 

“Do me a favor,” Anderson says to 
White one day after finishing a lift. 

"Yeah?" 

“Get rid of your short sleeves." 

White understands. Old-school body- 
builders don't let others see how ripped 
they're becoming in the gym. 

The role Anderson and the gym play in 
the BALCO scheme gradually becomes 
clear. Anderson doesn't just run a busi- 
ness by phone; elite international athletes 
come to the gym. One afternoon in the 
cafe White notices a black man with an 
imperious attitude and a British accent 
conferring with Anderson. Later White's 
fellow agents say the man is Dwain Cham- 
bers, the European 100-meter champion, 
here from Britain to train with Remi 
Korchemny, a Russian coach with ties to 
Conte. For all Chambers's visits, White 
never sees him work out. 

Little by little Anderson opens up to 
White, who catches everything on his 
wire. Soon he confides how he trains sev- 
eral major league players. White casually 
asks how he can train so many different 
athletes during the day, and Anderson 
replies that he often counsels them “over 


Carajo 


“If I weren't great in bed could I pick up women in a duck suit?" 


the phone.” Those words, White knows, 
could be the legal basis to support an ap- 
plication for a wiretap. 

Agents keep Anderson under a micro- 
scope. White tracks him in the gym; 
when he leaves, drug agents and 
Novitzky have him under surveillance. 
Mostly he's a gym rat, but the agents tail 
him on his frequent forays to Pac Bell 
Park and notice that he is waved into the 
secured players’ parking lot—ofien for 
just a 30- to 45-minute visit. When 
Bonds is at bat, Anderson can often be 
seen in the tunnel behind home plate. 


TIME ТО MOVE 


One day in late May White climbs wearily 
into his black Pontiac, still wearing his 
wire. He utters his closing bit of dialogue 
to himself—“This is Special Agent Iran 
White—the time is..."—and switches off 
the recording device. 

He drives to the designated ren- 
dezvous at the rear of a nearby building. 
As White rolls out of his car he overhears 
Novitzky talking excitedly to one of the 
drug agents about a book deal. They've 
brought White a copy of the new June 
2003 issue of Muscle and Fitness, which to 
their amazement features a cover story 
linking their three suspects—Bonds, An- 
derson and Conte. They can’t believe it. 

“You're in on him!” exclaims an ecsta- 
tic Novitzky. “Buy some drugs from that 
fucker and I'll buy you a steak." 

“Don't worry,” whispers White. 

White hands his wire to the drug 
agent and takes a look at the magazine 
article. “I'm just shocked by what they ve 
been able to do for me,” Bonds declares 
in the article without a hint of irony. “I 
visit BALCO every three to six months. 
They check my blood to make sure my 
levels are where they should be.... 
Maybe my zinc and magnesium intakes 
need to increase and I need more ZMA." 

White looks up from the article and 
drawls, “Do you have a problem with me 
going to the park with this guy?” 

“To see Bonds?” asks Novitzky. 

“Yeah.” 

“Hell, no.” 


DOWN AND OUT 


White never gets his chance to go to Pac 
Bell Park. The night of June 7 he wakes 
up paralyzed. His wife calls for help, and 
within seven minutes two firemen are 
standing in his bedroom. In the inten- 
sive care unit of San Jose's Kaiser Hospi- 
tal doctors tell White he's had a stroke. 

‘Three hours after the incident he 
slowly begins to revive. He can move his 
limbs slightly, though he feels as if he just 
ran a marathon. ГЇЇ be back in the gym 
by Tuesday, White thinks. It can't be that 
serious. Then he slumps back in the bed, 
stricken again. 

Terror sets in. He's trapped inside his 
body and feels as if he is underwater. He 
can see his family and doctors. He can 
even hear them exhorting him to hang 


in there. But he can't move the right side 
of his body or speak. His mother anoints 
him with holy oil. 

He lies in his hospital bed, wondering 
whether he'll ever be able to move again. 
Hours blur into days. On the fifth day, 
Friday, June 13, White wiggles his right 
toc. A little later he manages to shift his 
leg ever so slightly. By the eighth day he 
can move most of his body and speak. 

White has been moved to Kaiser's 
rehabilitation center in Vallejo. He 
refuses a walker. Slowly balancing on his 
stronger right leg, he begins to shuffle 
along. Doctors tell him he must have 
torn a muscle while lifting, and the blood 
clot traveled up his left side and lodged. 
in his brain. They show him an X-ray of 
the stroke, a dark spot little bigger than 
a poker chip. 

‘Two weeks have passed, and the task 
force is in shock. It's become clear that. 
White won't be able to return to the case. 
"The drug investigators push for a new 
undercover agent, but the IRS wants to 
bring in its own operative. When a cou- 
ple more weeks slip by, the investigators 
repeat their request. They even offer to 
get someone from out of state. No, says 
Novitzky, the IRS has someone. 

“The tap on Anderson's cell phone is 
neyer initiated. There are no inter- 
cepted calls of what the trainer had 
described to White as his “consultations” 
with all sorts of star athletes. The IRS 
says it won't support a wiretap applica- 
tion, a response that stuns the investiga- 
tors. A request to bring in the FBI or the 
DEA to sponsor a wiretap is denied— 
Novitzky doesn't want to bring in another 
federal agency. Given no explanation, 
the agents remaining on the case begin 
to feel squeezed out. 

Then there's a plain old-fashioned 
screwup. The swiped BALCO trash finds 
its way to another company’s Dumpster, 
leading to a complaint from that com- 
pany. BALCO replies that it didn’t move 
the trash and files a report with the 
Burlingame police department. Agents 
fear Conte has been tipped off to the en- 
tire investigation. 


DECODING COMPOUND X 


While White is in the hospital, the U.S. 
Anti-Doping Agency, the drug tester of 
U.S. Olympians, receives in the mail a 
cardboard box containing a nearly 
spent syringe. An anonymous whistle- 
blower—a high-profile track- 
coach—calls to say the substance is 
undetectable anabolic steroid that came 
from BALCO. 

On June 13, the day White manages to 
move his right toe, the mystery sub- 
stance arrives at UCLA's Olympic Ana- 
lytical Laboratory, and Dr. Don Catlin 
begins his detective work. A graduate of 
Yale and a former Army major, Catlin 
pioneered athletic drug testing in the 
.Ѕ., launching the nation's first sports 
Jab in 1983. Catlin's team runs a droplet 


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143 


PLAYBOY 


144 


of the mystery drug through a sophisti 
cated test, but the substance breaks 
down, avoiding detection. Compound 
X, as they dub it, clearly belongs to the 
steroid family, but that is about the limit 
of their knowledge. By late August, how- 
ever, they've cracked the chemical code 
and developed a test for the drug they 
christen THG, or tetrahydrogestrinone. 
“We didn't know what we were dealing 
with at first,” says Catlin. “We kept add- 
ing people to the team as it became 
apparent we were into something com- 
plex. It kept escalating. Then we got it 
on paper. It was a big moment.” 

Months before, the U.S. Anti-Doping 
Agency instructed Catlin to retain the 
hundreds of samples collected at the June 
USA Track and Field Championships at 
Stanford Uniyersity. On retesting for 
THG, several samples test positive. Catlin 
informs the USADA of the results. Dop- 
ing regulations require that the USADA 
must dispatch letters informing athletes 
that they have tested positive for steroids. 
Their samples will be tested again two 
ceks later, and athletes and their repre- 
sentatives must be allowed to attend the 
second test. But the letters also imperil 
the secret investigation. 

On August 19 Novitzky and another 
investigator fly out to USADA headquar- 
ters in Colorado Springs to see how 
much time they have left. They gain 
insight into the likely motivation behind 
the man who sent the syringe—an ap- 
parent feud between two gurus. The 
BALCO garbage runs produced torn 
yersions of a letter Conte had addressed 
to the USADA and the International 
Association of Athletics Federations. In 


them he alleges that a celebrated track 
coach has been providing his athletes 
with steroids; the USADA tells the inves- 
tigators the letter was never received 
Amazingly they believe that the man 
Conte was about to report is the same 
coach who mailed the tainted syringe. 
The case has come to a breaking point. 
“The time had come to toss Conte's of- 
fice and sec what we could come up with,” 
says White. They would have to move 
before any evidence could be destroyed. 


Shortly before noon on September 3, 
2003, helicopters pound the air over 
BALCO's tiny offices. A pack of un- 
marked sedans surrounds the building. 
In a move other agencies would later 
question, IRS agents arc told to place 
IRS placards on the dashboard of their 
cars. Nearly two dozen agents, several in 
black IRS flak jackets, along with a doc- 
tor the USADA has sent, crowd through 
BALCO's front door. Down the hall is a 
refrigerator for blood samples and a 
machine that resembles a mass spec- 
trometer. A gym is farther back, its walls 
covered with framed «signed jerseys of 
Bonds, Jones and other athletes. 

Inside Conte starts talking and won't 
stop. As investigators start laying out 
the evidence against him he stresses 
that he isn't. for money. He is doing 
a public service, he says—helping ath- 
letes use performance-enhancing sub- 
stances in a healthy way. He cites 
Arnold Schwarzenegger as a case of a 
bodybuilder now suffering physical ail- 
ments because he took steroids. Conte 
also points to Lyle Alzado, who died of 


“Can I call you back, Robin? I’m in the middle of a sandwich.” 


a brain tumor, as a steroid casualty. 

“When Arnold and Lyle were shooting 
steroids," Conte allegedly tells agents in- 
side BALCO, "they were shooting reck- 
lessly. Гуе added all sorts of supplements. 
[My clients] are all at safe levels." Conte 
has a stamp with a doctor's signature to 
order blood samples drawn at a nearby 
hospital "to see if the substances his 
clients were taking were going to be 
detected,” says White. Quest Diagnostics 
in southern California also tested clients" 
blood samples for steroid levels. 

‘Then Conte begins to give up his 
clients, the track-and-field athletes and 
major league baseball players he says he 
supplied with juice. “He started naming. 
the athletes on THG,” says White. Conte 
names a few Yankees and some current 
and former Giants, including Benito 
Santiago. (David Cornwell, Santiago's 
attorney, says Santiago “gave truthful testi- 
mony about what he thought he was tak- 
ing for nutritional supplements and what 
he subsequently came to learn had been 
provided to him by Greg Anderson. ”) 

Conte turns on Anderson, too, telling 
cops the trainer is supplying baseball 
players with testosterone cream and 
THG. He agrees to take investigators to 
a storage locker across the freeway, 
where they find THG, cream, human 
growth hormone, other steroids and 
files on athletes. As Conte leaves the 
BALCO offices a маус of news cameras 
and reporters engulfs him. 

“Are these TV cameras?” he asks, 
clearly stunned. “How did this happen?” 

Many agents—everyone, in fact, who 
doesn't work for the IRS—are angered 
by the publicity. The search of BALCO, 
which was supposed to remain secret for 
countless investigative reasons, now re- 
sembles an episode of Cops. Members of 
other law enforcement groups are fu 
ous at the publicity stunt. The search was 
designed as pressure tactic, not as the 
end of the investigation; there are no 
plans to arrest Conte, who walks free. 

There is also a more immediate con- 
cern. The jig is up, and Anderson has yet 
to be served with a search warrant. 

Investigators find Anderson two days 
later at Bay Area Fitness and present him 
with a search warrant for his residence 
and vehicle. (The IRS has to return lame- 
ly a couple of days later with a second 
warrant to get the laptop listing Ander- 
son's clients.) Agents escort the trainer to 
his nearby condominium, where they 
find the steroids and a safe in the kitchen 
holding $67,000. In a box on the mantle 
is a ring that makes cops gasp: a massive 
gold piece with the magical number 73 
glittering in diamonds. It was a gift from 
Bonds. They interrogate Anderson in his 
bedroom, and he is at first reluctant. He 
changes his mind and offers a list of play- 
ers identical to Conte's. 

He is asked about Bonds. 

"Big Man's my friend," says Anderson. 
“I'm not saying anything." 


CODA: PERP WALK 


Lying in bed at home, recovering from 
his stroke, White is startled to see the 
faces of three fellow undercover drug 
agents exposed on television. The made- 
for-TV searches trigger an avalanche of 
media coverage. Then the news breaks 
that some notable track-and-field ath- 
letes have tested positive for THG: U.S. 
sprinter Kelli White, hammer thrower 
John McEwen, shot-putter Kevin Toth 
and Regina Jacobs, who at 39 had re- 
cently shocked fans by breaking the 
1,500-meter indoor world record. Dwain 
Chambers also tests positive but claims 
he took only legal BALCO supplements. 

Although the NFL refuses tocomment 
publicly on whether it is retesting urine 
samples, the league notifies four Oak- 
land Raiders that they have tested posi- 
tive for THG. Three of the players— 
Romanowski, Barret Robbins and Dana 
Stubblefield—are starters on the 2003 
AFC champion team. In mid-November, 
after testing players for steroids for the 
first time, Major League Baseball an- 
nounces that five to seven percent tested 
positive during the season, triggering 
the weak 2004 regular-season testing. 
Major League Baseball doesn't retest a 
single player for THG, however. 

In October 2003 a grand jury con- 
venes to hear secret testimony from 
dozens of former Conte clients, includ- 
ing Marion Jones (three Sydney golds), 
Gary Sheffield and Barry Bonds. 

As the testimony plays out, leaks from 
the grand jury reveal that some athletes 
have testified under oath that they used 
clear and cream. 

“The lower-profile athletes are forth- 
right,” says a source close to the pro- 
ceedings. “The higher-profile athletes 
have been more vague and guarded.” 

Some athletes are also naive about any 
trails they might have left behind. This 
being an IRS investigation, money is key. 
Several athletes paid for steroids with 
checks, and at least one football player 
was foolish enough to write Conte one 
for $6,200. Many others paid for their 
steroids in cash. 

In February 2004 the grand jury sub- 
poenas baseball's drug test records, 
catching league officials, including com- 
missioner Bud Selig, off guard. No one 
had dreamed the federal government 
would order the league to turn over the 
names of doping athletes. A few days 
later the grand jury produces a 42-count 
indictment charging Victor Conte, BAL- 
CO vice president James Valente, Greg 
Anderson and track coach Remi Kor- 
chemny with illegal steroid distribution 
and money laundering. Though many 
of these carry penalties of five years or 
more, lengthy prison time is unusual in a 
steroid case. And the amount of money 
alleged in these instances is not large for 
a money laundering operation. (From 
January 2000 to September 2002, for 
example, Conte withdrew less than 


$500,000 in cash from his personal and 
business accounts.) 

The investigative star of the ground- 
breaking case is Jeff Novitzky, whose 52- 
page search warrant affidavit for BALCO 
is unsealed on September 3, 2003 and 
quickly becomes front-page news. 
Novitzky documents in painstaking de- 
tail evidence found in BALCO's garbage 
and medical waste. The warrant is un- 
usually long, but there is no mention of 
Iran White, the undercover investigation 
or the rest of the team. Missing is evi- 
dence Novitzky found to suggest that 
Bonds was being tested for steroids—the 
paperwork mentioning that “B. Bonds 
should read G. Anderson.” Indeed, miss- 
ing in the affidavit and the indictment 
are the names of any athletes. Another 
affidavit is released the following week, 
and a copy later sent to The New York 
Times inadvertently mentions that the 
Yankees’ Gary Sheffield had sent mail to 


the supplements lab. A day earlier 
Sheffield’s agent, Rufus Williams, had 
told PLAYBOY, "There is no connection be- 
tween Victor Conte and Sheffield." 

These days White wonders whether po- 
litical headlines weren't grabbed over the 
possibility of larger and broader charges. 
Was Novitzky's intent to shapc his inves- 
tigative exploits into a book? Or did ego 
and one federal agency's desire to control 
the investigation determine the focus of 
what now plays across T V screens? 

By February 2004 White seems fully 
on the mend. He hopes that for all the 
BALCO investigation's human failings, 
the case will send a stern message to kids 
and young athletes. “If Bonds took 
THG, he shouldn't have," says White. 
"He's a phenomenal athlete. He proba- 
bly would have broken the home run 
record anyway.” 


“Im reducing your dosage of testosterone, Mr. Sackmann.” 


145 


PLAYBOY 


PARADISE „аео 


“Don’t worry about the details. A packet will be waiting 
for you in the car. Go kiss your honey and vamoose.” 


Guy and Duck? Wasn't he good at sneak- 
ing up on squirrels and then shouting 
“Booga-booga-booga”? Didn't he own 
the entire run of Monty Python’s Flying 
Circus on DVD? He could, he was, he 
did! But he had never seen Cynthia like 
this: her hands clutching her cleavage, 
her mouth gulping air, her eyes wrin- 
kled shut like a prizefighter's. She 
looked...indecorous. He was loath to 
imagine what kind of hideous air-guitar 
faces he made when they were porking, 
but as for Cynthia, she always looked 
serene, sleepy, disappointingly pleased, 
as if there might be a hidden camera 
somewhere recording the moment for 
inclusion in some kind of X-rated home 
furnishings catalog. This was entirely 
different, this elasticized guffaw, and he 
didn't much care for it. She looked like 
Scabiscuit, for crying out loud. 

It took a couple of seconds for the 
hilarity to wane and for the guests to re- 
alize that they would now be expected to 
amuse themselves. During this awkward 
silence, Peck turned to Brant and, 
loudly cnough so that others should 
hear, said, "You must be that Brant." 

“Yes!” Brant replied brightly. 

The two stared at each other for a mo- 
ment, and in that moment Brant saw his 
chance with this man roar past—flag- 
waving revelers shouting out of bunting- 
underslung windows—and recede into 
the distance. It was gone before he even 
knew what it was, a distant speck leading 
a dust cloud. 

Peck was smiling at him. Brant had 
seen this face before, of course, in flash 
photographs in magazines or pen-and- 
inked onto the front page of The Wall 
Street Journal; it was familiar but unmem- 
orable, like a second-rate old pop song. 
And the eyes: You'd expect the eyes of a 
man like this to be direct, penetrating, 
alive, but instead they were furtive, 
blurred, facing in slightly different di- 
rections. The skin was sallow, blotched, 
creased; the checks cadaverous. But the 
forchcad! This, Brant thought, was what 
did all the work, this gleaming hemi- 
sphere that looked like it had been 
dragged here by a glacier. It bore nei- 
ther hairs nor pores, this wall, and be- 
hind it the killing thoughts cozied up 
against one another. As Brant gazed at it, 
the mouth beneath it opened and words 
came out: “Perhaps we ought to shake 
hands, Brant.” 

“Oh, sure!” 

Peck took Brant's hand but took it 
limply, making Brant's strong grip, in- 
tended to express a marriageable mas- 


146 culine confidence, instead seem like a 


witheri ES critique of the old man's wan- 
ing virility. Peck actually winced, and 
Gin fas m rond away. “Uh, 1 
ought to thank you, sir, for the” 

"Please," Peck said, secreting the hand 
back under the table, "there's no need to 
grovel. Now, Brant.” 

“Yes, sir?” 

“You're diddling my daughter.” 

“Yes, sir.” 

“You're thinking of marrying her, 
right?” 

“Uh, yes.” 

“Getting yourself a piece of the family 
fortune?” 

"Well, that's——" 

"Dor't be ashamed, Brant. That's how 
I got started on mine. I took one look at 
Cynthia's mother, at that stunning horse 
face and that glorious udder, and I said 
to myself, "There's a 24 karat cunt if I 
ever saw one.’ You can believe I got in 
there but quick.” 

There was nothing Brant could say to 
this. Ifhe protested, he would be branded 
aliar; if he agreed, he would be a prick; if 
he said nothing, he would be a weakling. 
He said, “Uh-huh!” 

"But I'm not a pussy, Brant, and nci- 
ther are you. I had to work for my sup- 
per, and so will you. I did my time at her 
father's company, and so will you.” 

“1 will?” 
“Yes. You're going to man the home 
offic 

“Tam?” 

“Yes. You're going to become chief of 
operations at headquarters.” 

Brant didn’t get it. He said, “In New 
York?" 

Peck laughed. It was what he wanted 
to hear. "Guyamón." 

"Guyamón?" 

Usa Lesser Antilles. A tax dodge. We 
have to have an office there, Staffed by a 
staff of one. The job is currently occu- 
pied, but if you say yes, he’s fired.” Peck 
removed a cell phone from his pocket— 
a rather large one by present standards, 
late-1980s vintage, a charming affecta- 
tion. “If you say no, you can get the hell 
out of my daughter's graduation party, 
and if you ever again so much as fondle 
a tit I'll have all your arms broken. And 
don’t think I can’t do it.” 

Brant looked past him to Cynthia, 
who, though theoretically engaged in a 
conversation with an avid middle-aged 
couple, was glancing his way, her eye- 
brows expectantly arched, her mouth 
tilted in a hopeful, nervous smile. To be 
honest, for the whole night up until now, 
he was not feeling super about Cynthia. 
The entire affair had cast a tawdry light 


on her; she did not seem worth all the 
hoopla, which in turn felt excessive. She 
had begun to scem like a passing fancy, 
unfair as that was. But now, after staring 
at her father's creepy mug for minutes 
on end, Brant experienced a loosening 
of critical faculties and saw Cynthia as 
lovely and strong, and remembered her 
playfulness, her sexual enthusiasm and 
her beautiful car, and suddenly he felt 
that he could not do without her. Some- 
thing about her laugh, the one her father 
had drawn from her, made him hesitate, 
but it wasn't enough. He wanted her. 
Hell, he loved her! He turned back to 
her father, He said, “I'll do it.” 

“Great,” Peck said without much en- 
thusiasm and pushed two buttons on the 
phone. "Serkin? Peck. You're fired. The 
plane leaves at seven PM. Thursday. Get 
on it or you're stuck. Good-bye.” He 
pushed another button and then two 
morc. “Book Brant flight,” he said and 


hung up. 

“Go home,” he said now to Brant, 
tucking the phone back into his jacket 
pocket. 

“Home?” 


“To pack. You're leaving tomorrow. A 
car will pick you up at eight. Good luck." 
He cleared his throat and fell upon his 
meal, which had been placed before him 
by a napkin-draped arm. 

“But don't I у 

“Go,” muttered Peck through a 
mouthful of broccoli. "Don't worry 
about the details. A packet will be wait- 
ing for you in the car. Go ahead, kiss 
your honey and vamoose.” 

He rose, went over to Cynthia. “I have 
to go,” he whispered in her ear. 

“So you said yes?” 

NCS 

“Oh, Brant!” she said and craned her 
neck to kiss him. When he hazarded a 
glance at her father, he could sce that he 
was paying no attention at all. 


He left a message for his boss on voice 
mail. "I'm sorry," he explained. “Peck's 
making me take this job. ГЇЇ send you an 
e-mail." But he wondered if there would 
even be e-mail on Guyamón, or restau- 
rants, or television. He would miss 
restaurants and television—would miss 
delivery food, football. But surely 
Guyamón had these things—it was the 
Antilles, it was a tourist destination. 
Probably there would be cool mixed 
drinks served at rattan taverns on the 
beach. There would be friendly natives 
in colorful shirts and drunk Americans 
and crazy birds that made crazy sounds. 
“Don't worry about your house,” a voice 
had said on his answering machine when 
he got home from the commencement 
ner. "Don't worry about anything. It 
all be taken care of. Bring only those 
things you can't do without.” For Brant, 
these were: his PROPERTY OF shirt from 
the business school, his Bob Marley CDs 


(and wasn't Guyamón near Jamaica? 
maybe he ought to have an atlas), a pic- 
ture of his mom, a picture of Cynthia 
(presented to him on his birthday, it was 
taken by a famous fashion photographer 
Brant had never heard of and tucked 
into a neat silver frame) and a tooth- 
brush. He brought along three suits and 
seven shirts, as well. All the next morn- 
ing he tried to get in touch with Cynthia, 
but she wasn't home. He left five mes- 
sages. His boss called him and pleaded. 
He called his mother and sister, both of 
whom told him he was nuts. That was 
okay. In fact it was great! He felt, briefly, 
as if he were on the threshold of a fabu- 
lous future. “We thought he was nuts, 
but in the end Brant was right." 

A dented Lincoln picked him up; the 
driver wore an old-fashioned driver's 
hat and called him sir. He checked in at 
the airport, got on a plane and flew first 
to New York, then San Juan. There, a 
gangly black man wearing aviator sun- 
glasses (and why not? he was an aviator) 
led him across a steaming tarmac to a lit- 
tle four-seater with a picture of a turkey 
stenciled on the side. 

“What's with the turkey?" Brant 
shouted over the buzz of the engine, a 
buzz that seemed somchow insufficient. 

The pilot pointed to his ear, shrugged. 

Inan hour they were above Guyamón, 
circling what appeared to be a volcano. 
Smoke was issuing from it in long wind- 
less streaks. The air was hot as hell, even 
inside the plane. Brant was pitting out 
big-time. It was evening. They landed 
on a cracked strip of concrete, the pilot 
swearing all the way in. Brant shud- 
dered in his seat and conked his head on 
the roof. 

“Hey, man,” he asked the pilot as he 
got out, "that thing’s inactive, right?" 
Meaning the volcano. 

The pilot laughed good and long. 

There was a car here, a jeep actually, 
U.S. Army issue as far as Brant could 
tell, repainted with what looked like yel- 
low latex house paint. The driver was a 
fat white man wearing a spotless white 
shirt and a gigantic straw hat. 

“You gonna need a hat for that bald 
patch,” he said. 

“1 don't have a bald patch," said 
Brant. “Do IP" 

The drive took half an hour. They 
traveled a mudded and potholed road to 
the base of the volcano, then turned 
right and edged around it. There were a 
lot of trees and ferns, except in the areas 
where fresh lava had mowed them 
down. In places, the lava covered the 
road, and the jeep bumped jauntily over 
it. At last they arrived somewhere—a 
small stretch of paved cement before 
hich stood a long row of cinder-block 
huts, about 15 in all. They'd been built 
20 or so years ago and since then had 
been treated variously, some clearly 
abandoned and the windows and doors 
removed, some dolled up like vacation 


cottages. The jeep stopped in front ofa 
middling one, its terra-cotta roof cracked 
and mossed, its walls in need of paint. 
The driver didn’t bother turning off the 
engine. He handed Brant a key. Brant 
took it, then waited for instructions. 

“You're supposed to get out,” the 
driver said. 

“What then?” 

“Then I leave.” 

When the jeep was gone, Brant stood 
before the door, sweating. He put the 
key in the lock and turned it. The door 
creaked open. 

The place had been ransacked. The 
mattress was slashed, stains that ap- 
peared to be red wine covered the walls. 
A dresser that stood at the foot of the bed 
seemed to have been urinated in. And in 
the middle of the floor sat a small pile of 
human feces, holding in place a hand- 
written note that read, “Enjoy the trop- 
ics, whore!” 


A few days later, though, Brant was feel- 
ing pretty good about the whole thing. 
The cottage was equipped with a tele- 
phone, a computer, a fast Internet con- 
nection and satellite TV. He had spent 
most of his time so far watching baseball 
games, talking to friends in America and 
enjoying soft-core pornography. He'd 
never liked pornography before. He 
hated to cave in to such base desires, but 
there didn't seem to be any girls here, 
and nobody he knew was likely to burst 
in on him, and so from the computer's 
tiny speakers could be heard, at all hours 
of the day, the quiet moans of nude ac- 
tresses as they masturbated before the 
masturbating him. Three times daily a 
little truck came clanking by, and the 
denizens of the cottage row—six in all— 
would amble out of their dens and eat 
the food their respective companies had 
paid for. There were burgers and french 
fries and imported beers. There were 
omelettes and apples—apples! in the An- 
tilles!—-and DoveBars and club sand- 
wiches. The six men were always in 
because they all had to answer the phone 
if it rang, although the phones never 
rang. Alter the truck left, they would 
stand around and talk, clutching their 
brown paper bags of loot. They didn't 
introduce themselves to Brant but acted 
like he'd been there for a hundred years. 

“See the Yanks?” 

“Nah. Drooling over Nudie Village.” 

“Ya see the chick with the giant 
thatch?” 

“Hell yeah!” 

“What'd ya get today?” 

“Ham.” 

"Everybody got ham.” 

“1 got yesterday's Molson if anybody 
wants it. 1 hate Molson.” 

“Hell yeah, I want it.” 

“What'll you give me, then?" 

It took Brant a couple of days to find 
the courage to jump in, but once he did 


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he was one of the guys. He caught a 
couple of names—Ron, Kevin, Pete. 
Pete was a cheerful man of 30, thick 
around the middle, with dark eye bags 
that seemed genetic rather than cir- 
cumstantial. He held down the fort for 
an agribusiness conglomerate. One af- 
ternoon Brant was left alone with him 
after the others had gone home. Brant 
said, "So does anybody go to the beach? 
Like, on breaks?" For he was allowed 
breaks, one hour out of every eight, and 
he had Sundays off. Sunday was tomor- 
row, his first here. 

"There's a path out back. But it isn't 
much of a beach. Like 10 feet; the rest is 
rocks.” 

“Is there a bar or something? In 
town?” 

“No town. But there is a bar.” 

“Wanna go sometime?” 

The question seemed to send shooting 
pains into Pete’s head, He winced. “Ah, 
it’s kinda far, and there are no girls.” 

“Oh.” 

So on Sunday Brant went to the 
beach, and Pete was right, it sucked. The 
rocks were sharp, and everything stank 
of fish. He went home, dejected. It had 
been only four days, and he could feel 
himself, his personality, shrinking to 
more or less nothing. He was Friendly 
Brant! He necded to greet passersby, to 
shake their hands! He ed there were 
some leaves to rake, some weatherproof 
ing to do. But there wasn't any weather 
here. A liule rain, a little sun. A little 
rain, a little sun. By noon he had already 
jerked off twice and played 40 games of 
‘Donkey Kong. He decided to go visiting. 
He washed his hands and walked down 
to Kevin's place. Kevin had seemed okay 
to Brant. He told a joke once after 
Breakfast Truck. He had a 1990s beard. 

He knocked. “Yo, Kev!" he said. 

From behind the door came sort of a 
muffled mumble that Brant thought was 
an invitation to enter, but when he 
opened the door Kevin was busy cover- 
ing his and another man's (Brant hadn't 
gotten his name) naked, sweating bodies 
with a sheet 

“Buzz off, asshole!" 

“Sorry, dude!” 

So much for dropping by. He had 
begun to prepare himself mentally for 
another encounter with his girl of the 
hour, Mandy Mounds, when he heard 
an unfamiliar noise coming from inside 
his cottage. What the hell was it? He 
opened the door and found that the 
sound, a kind of urgent, grating buzz, 
was emanating from his phone. 

“Hello?” 

“I got a surprise for you!" The voice, 
though drunk, was recognizable as Cyn- 
thia’s. It was coming to him through a 
haze of crackling interference. 

“Hon bun!” 

“I am having something delivered to 
your door,” she said. Something about 
her tone seemed almost sinister, like the 


duplicitous sexpots in James Bond mov- 
ies. He had to admit he liked it 

He said, “Where are you? You sound 
so far away.” Duh! 

“I'm on my cell. In a—whoop!—car." 

“Isn't it illegal to talk on the phone 
while driving?” 

It's illegal to drive drunk, too, dum. 
my. But I'm not driving.” 

“So what are you sending me?" 

“S'posta be a surprise." 

“Is it delicious?” 

“Yyyyes!” 

“So you cat it?” 

She snorted. “No, dipshit. You do.” 
And with that she hung up. 

Well. That was unproductive. He fig- 
ured if she was sending the present 
now, he'd get it in what, two weeks? He 
booted up the computer and a couple 
minutes later Mandy Mounds filled 
the room with her delighted squeaking. 
He'd just gotten his shorts off when his 
door flew open and Cynthia came roar- 
ing in, hiking her sundress up to her 
You got yourself all ready!" she 
said, climbing on, and for 10 or so min- 
utes it was difficult to distinguish the 
sounds she made from the ones coming 
out of the speakers. Then they were fin- 
ished and lay on the bed, unable to stop 
perspiring. At the computer desk, 
Mandy Mounds said, “More! More! 
More! More!” 

“Scuse me,” said Cynthia, and she 
staggered naked across the room to 
switch off the computer. But first she 
paused, turning her head this way and 
that, checking out the competition. “I 
got better legs,” she said. 

“Sure.” 

“And her boobs look like saddlebags.” 

He didn’t have much to say to that. 
She turned everything off. “I bribed 
Daddy's people. They bring me down 
here whenever I want.” She hopped 
back onto the bed, sending him several 
inches into the air. 

“But this is the first time you've been 
down her: 
“Right. Hey, you wanna go to town?” 

“There is no town.” 

“Who told you that?” she said. 

‘They went to the other side of the vol- 
cano. The fat white guy drove them 
there. The little jeep shuddered and 
rumbled around lava flows and fallen 
trees, tossing them from side to side 
against the doors of the jeep and each 
other. Cynthia laughed the entire trip 
until they arrived at a little tent pavilion 
at the edge of what would have been a 
tourist paradise if any tourists were 
there. Instead there were handsome 
black people in loose-fitting clothes, 
dancing to the music from a little ampli- 
fied calypso band, and beyond them was 
a bar that was little more than a rusted 
metal cart covered vith bottles and plas- 
tic cups, and beyond that was a dirt road 
leading to a lot of little houses. Cynthia 
paid the driver with a thick stack of bills, 


which he folded and stowed like a pro. 
She told him to wait. He said, “ГЇЇ be 
easy to find,” and lurched into the fray. 

They danced and drank all afternoon 
and then ate parts of some kind of giant 
pig roasting on a spit, and they ate some 
kind of spicy thing wrapped up in leaves 
and some sort of reeking but impossibly 
sweet fruit, and then they danced and 
drank some more, and the people, the 
villagers, didn't seem to mind their 
being there. Cynthia paid for everything 
and then some, handing people money 
at the slightest pretext—the band for 
playing something more up-tempo, the 
bartender for giving her a clean cup, a 
random bystander for letting her get 
ahead in the roasted-pig line. Soon after 
dark she took Brant by the hand and led 
him into the woods, where she fell to her 
knees at the base of a palm tree and 
puked, and then when Brant bent over 
to help her up, he puked as well. Then 
they sort of fell over on their way back, 
then they seemed to be asleep for a 
while, then they got up and found the 
jeep, which the driver was asleep in. 
They woke him up and he drove, 
drunk, back to the cottage row. Cynthia 
and Brant stumbled into his cottage and 
collapsed on the bed and woke up at 
noon. They tried sex but were too 
queasy to finish. 

All day Brant lay halfin and half out of 
sleep. At some point he opened his eyes 
to find Cynthia staring at his face, as if 
looking for something she'd misplaced. 
When he woke again, she was gone. 
Brant noticed the voice mail light blink- 
ing on his phone. He picked up the 
receiver, supporting himself with a trem- 
bling hand, and punched in his code. 

The first message said, “If you aren't 
there in 15 minutes, you're fired.” 

The second message said, “If you 
aren't there in 10 minutes, you're fired.” 

The third said, “Five minutes.” 

The fourth: “You're fired. Your plane 
leaves at seven PM. Miss it and you're 
stranded.” 

It was already 7:35. 


Back home, behind his desk at the al- 
umni magazine, the sounds of neighing, 
whinnying co-workers interrupted his 
concentration, causing him to fumble his 
pleas to donors, to forget the phone 
numbers he was dialing. He had to stand 
up in his cubicle and address the crouch- 
ing, tittering crew ina strained, pleading 
voice: "Look, you guys, it isn't funny, 
okay? I was stranded for almost a week 
with no home, and 1 don't think I would 
be laughing right now if it was you it hap- 
pened to." He thought about quitting— 
that would show them—but the thoughts 
never got much past the vengeful-fantasy 
stage. Besides, you never got anything 
out of losing your cool. People respected 
you for taking their shit. He just decided 
to take it, and he took it, and eventually, 


though he couldn't have told you when, 
the whole thing would just up and blow 
away. The day after Cynthia left, he was 
awakened by his replacement, a man, or 
rather a guy, about his age, deep-voiced, 
clean-cut, sweating respectably little in 
his white oxford shirt. “I beg your par- 
don,” he said. “I was under the impres- 
sion that this was to be my cottage.” 

Brant had not given his next move 
much thought, beyond stopping by one 
of the other cottages and asking how 
often the plane came. Not very often, he 
learned. Now he gathered his things and 
shoved them into his bag while the new 
guy checked out the computer. “May I 
erase these files?” he said, clicking 
around aimlessly. 

“No,” said Brant. “ 
puter will melt.” 

He took his suits—never removed 
from their garment bag—and slung 
them over his shoulder. Then he walked 
around the volcano to the pavilion, look- 
ing for the locals’ party. It took all day to 
get there, and when he arrived he found 
that the tent had been taken down and 
everyone was in their houses. He sat on 
the paving stones, where he had danced 
two nights before, and panted, his 
tongue thick and dry as a towel. He al- 
most cried, he was so sad. Eventually he 
got up and knocked on somebody's door 
and blurted out the whole story, and the 
family that lived there gave him a drink 
of water and let him sleep on their floor. 

They were nice, this family—a man, a 
woman, two little girls. They spoke Eng- 
lish but mostly said nothing at all. They 
sat around all day making things—the 
man, thin and dark and thickly bearded, 
carved driftwood into interesting little 
sculptures, and the woman, who might 
have been the most beautiful human 
Brant had ever seen, embroidered 
miniature tapestries that served as the 
facing for the macramé shoulder bags 
the girls made. Every once in a while 
they all paused for a meal—fish and 
fruit, delicious beyond imagining, which 
they shared with him—and in the 
evening they watched the sun set, visited 
their neighbors, drank homemade beer 
made from bananas and generally had a 
good, solid time. Each morning a man 
burdened by giant army duffels arrived 
on a bicycle, and forms were filled out 
and exchanged, and the things the vil- 
lage produced were stuffed into the bags 
and taken away to be sold to tourists. 

Through all this, Brant did basically 
nothing. He had a fever and the shits, 
slept in the daytime and lay awake nights 
gasping for breath. He slept on the floor 
next to the girls’ bed and listened to 
their indecipherable whispers, to their 
quiet laughter as they talked themselves 
to sleep. Eventually his host told him 
that the plane would come the following 
day and the jeep would go only as far as 
the cottage row (he called it the Business 


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Village), so he had better get back. Brant 
thanked the family profusely; he told 
them he would repay their kindness. 
“Like, in money, I mean,” he added. 
“American dollars.” 

The man smiled. “No need for that.” 

"Seriously, no, 1 will.” 

The man shook his head. “Don’t 
worry, We are rich.” 

“Yes, of course,” Brant said, shaking 
his hand. “I can see that your lives are 
very rich here. Thank you.” 

“No,” the man said, “I mean we are 
rich. Your corporations pay us money. 
The cottages are ours.” He smiled. “I 
could, what is it you say, I could buy and 
sell you a hundred times.” 

“Oh,” Brant said, dropping the man's 
hand. 

“Oh,” the man repeated in apparent 
mockery, though his voice, his face, re- 
tained their earnestness. 

Brant walked all the way back, forti- 
fied by a canteen of water the family had 
provided. When he got to his old cot- 
tage, he knocked and entered. His re- 
placement vas sitting in the swivel chair, 
watching a Mandy Mounds video. His 


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hand shot out and turned off the screen. 
"What do you think you're doing!" he 
shouted. 

“Relax.” 

“This is my cottage!” 

“I'm just gonna sit here by the fan 
until the jeep comes, all right?” 

“No you're not!” the replacement 
said, his arms flailing. He had cut off his 
chinos and the sleeves of his shirt. 

I should have shat on the floor, Brant 
thought, while I had the chance. 

In the end, he sat next to the road and 
dozed. The sound of the jeep woke him 
up. The fat guy unloaded the sack din- 
ners and demanded money for the ride 
to the airport. Brant forked over what he 
had left. He was back home by morning, 
his house (thankfully, he had retained 
the lease) exactly the way he had left it. 
He took a shower, curled up in the hot 
and musty bed and slept until the mid- 
dle of the next day. 

And that, he decided, vas that. He got 
his job back, having after all secured the 
magic donation from Leyton Peck—who 
had not, contrary to Brant's worst fears, 
reneged on the deal. He reclaimed his 


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cubicle, endured the jokes and tried to 
forget about Cynthia. He stayed off the 
Internet and enjoyed the cool weather. 

At some point guilt got the best of him, 
and he tried to write a thank-you note to 
the family who had helped him through 
that terrible week. He managed a few 
lines about how grateful he was and how 
maybe someday they would meet again, 
and stuffed it into an envelope and then 
sat at the kitchen table trying to figure 
out how the hell to address it. He got as 
far as 


“The family, 

First cottage 
behind the volcano, 
Guyamón" 


before muttering, "Fuck it" and tossing 
the whole thing in the trash. And then 
he had a change of heart. He reached 
into the trash can, picked out the crum- 
pled paper and smoothed it flat, then he 
dropped it into the recycling bin. After 
that he felt a lot better. 


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Jamie Ireland is a 

4 freelance writer in 
the areas of sex, 
fitness, romance, 
and travel. 


h'. 


Advertisernent 


| the inside story on 


Learning “The Ropes”... 


his month 1 got a letter from a 

reader in Texas about a "little 
secret" that has made her sex life 
with her husband absolutely explosive. 
(Those Texans know their stuff, let 
me tell you.) 


Tina writes: 


Dear Jamie, 
Last month my husband returned 
from a business trip in Europe, and he 
was hotter and hornier than ever before, 
with more passion than he has had for 
years. It was incredible. He flat wore 
me out! And the best part of all—he 
was having multiple orgasms. 1 know 
what you're thinking... men don't 
have multiples, but trust me he was, 
and his newfound pow! pow! power! 
stimulated me into the most intense 
orgasms I've ever had. So, before we 
knew it, we were both basking in the 
glow of the best sex of our lives! 

We tried tantric stuff in the past, 
and the results were so-so. But this 
was something new and exciting, 
completely out of the ordinary. I asked 
my husband what had created such 
a dramatic change in our lovemaking 
and he told me he'd finally learned 
“the ropes." 

On the last night of his business trip 
my husband spent an evening dining 
out with a Swedish nutritionist and 
his wife of 20 years. The couple was 
obviously still quite enamored with 
each other, so my husband asked their 
secret. The nutritionist told him their 
sex life was more passionate than ever. 
Then he pulled a small bottle from his 


Hot Spot 
Great Sex! 


by Jamie Ireland 


satchel and gave it to my husband. The 
bottle contained a natural supplement 
that the nutritionist told my husband 
would teach him “the ropes” of good sex. 
My husband takes the supplement every 

day. The supply from the nutritionist 
is about to run out and we desperately 
want to know how we can find more. 
Do you know anything about “the 
ropes, " and can you tell us how we 
can find it in the States? 

Sincerely, 

Tina С, Ft. Worth, Texas 


P: you and the rest of our readers 
are in luck, because it just so happens 
I do know about “the ropes" and the 
supplement your husband's Swedish 
friend likely shared. 

The physical contractions and fluid 
release during male orgasm can be 
multiplied and intensified by a product 
called Ogóplex Pure Extract". It's a 
daily supplement specially formulated 
to trigger better orgasmic experiences 
in men. The best part, from a woman's 
perspective, is that the motion and 
experience a man can achieve with 


Individual results may vary 


Ogóplex Pure Extract can help 
stimulate our own orgasms, bringing 

a whole new meaning to the term. 
simultaneous climax! 

The term used by the Swedish 
nutritionist is actually fairly common 
slang for the effect your husband 
experienced. The enhanced contractions. 
and heightened orgasmic release are 
often referred to as ropes because of 
the rope-like effect of release during 
climax. In other words, as some people 
have said, “it just keeps coming and 
coming and coming.” 

As far as finding it in the States, 

I know of just one importer—Bóland 
Naturals. If you are interested, you 
can contact them at 1-866-ogoplex or 
ogoplex.com. Ogóplex is all-natural 
and safe to take. All the people I've 
spoken with have said taking the 
once-daily tablet has led to the roping 
effect Tina described in her letter. 

Aren't you glad you asked? 

ie Py, 


Jamie Ireland 


PLAYBOY 


152 


JOHNNY DEPP continued fron page 63) 


They were shoving my face out there, selling me as 
this product. It made me crazy. 


PLAYBOY: You've had other public troubles, 
including the time you trashed a hotel 
room with Kate Moss. What happened? 
DEPP: Very simply, I had a bad day. Га 
been chased by paparazzi and was feel- 
ing a little bit like Novelty Boy. Obvi- 
ously something wasn’t working in my 
life. For a few years I wasn't angry but 
just sort of frustrated and upset because 
I didn't know what it was all about. 
PLAYBOY: What do you mean? 

DEPP: I didn't know what it was all for. 
When they said, "Come on, do this 
movie. You can make tons of money,” it 
Just pissed me off. Fuck that. What does 
thar mean? That's not what it's about. So 
it built up, and I lost it. It was the culmi- 
nation of many things, a bad spark, and 
I went off. I did what I felt was necessary. 
Thank God it wasn't a human being but 
a hotel room that I took it out on. It was 
a weird incident. There was a hotel secu- 
rity guard who was really kind of pissy 
and arrogant. I wanted to pop him. But 
I knew that if I did, it would obviously be 
a horse ofa different color—lawsuits and 
God knows what else. 

PLAYBOY: What happened exactly? 

DEPP: I did my business, and they came 
up to the room. By that point I had 
cooled down. I said, "I'll of course pay 


for any damages. I apologize.” That wasn't 
enough. The guy got snooty and shitty. 
The next thing you know, the police 
were at the door. As dumb as the inci- 
dent was, I don't have any regrets about 
it. I don't think it merited the amount of 
press it got, and 1 certainly don't think 
that I needed to go to the Tombs in New 
York City in handcuffs. 1 was in three 
different jails that night. But it was all 
part of my education, you know? 

PLAYBOY: You had another run-in with 
the police, in London, this time directly 
related to a clash with paparazzi. 

DEPP: We were at a restaurant, and 
Vanessa was extremely pregnant. All 
they wanted were photographs of me 
and Vanessa and the belly. At that point I 
thought, Man, I’m not one of those 
whiny actors who says, “Oh, the pz 
parazzi, they won't leave me alone." I 
could give a fuck about it. However, on 
this particular night I just decided, 
“Look, this is my girl. This is our first 
baby. I'm not going to let you fucking 
people turn this into a circus. You ain't 
turning this deeply, profoundly beauti- 
ful, spiritual, life-changing experience 
into a novelty. Not without a fight." I 
went out and talked to them. I said, 
“Look, guys, I know what you're after. I 


“Take me to your Leda." 


understand you have a job to do. But 
you're not going to turn this into a cir- 
cus. Just give us a break. You're not going 
to get what you want tonight. ГЇЇ see you 
another time.” 

PLAYBOY: To which they of course said, 
“We're sorry. We'll leave.” 

DEPP: Right. They were very aggressive: 
“Fuck you, Johnny.” That kind of shit. I 
swung around and told Vanessa, “Go out 
the front door, get in the car so they 
don't get us together or get your belly.” 
She did. She was in the car, so everything 
was going to be cool, but they were so 
shitty. One guy was trying to hold the 
door open. He had his hand wedged in 
there, I looked down at the ground, and 
there was a 17-inch wooden plank, a 
two-by-two or something. Instinct took 
over. I picked it up and whacked the 
guy's hand. I went outside and said, 
“Now I want you to take my picture, be- 
cause the first fucking guy who hits a 
flash, I'm going to kick his skull in. Let's 
go. Take my picture." They didn't take 
my picture. I was livid. They walked 
backward down the street. I walked 
them away from Vanessa in the car 
and down this other street. It was beauti- 
ful. It was well worth it. It was kind of 
poetic. The next thing I knew, I saw 
flashing lights on the buildings around 
me. And a paddy wagon. 

PLAYBOY: How long were you in jail? 
DEPP: It was brief. It was around 11:30 or 
midnight, and I was out by five or six the 
next morning. No one filed charges 
against me, because they didn’t want 
their names exposed. Had they filed 
charges they would have had to give 
their names and would have lost their 
anonymity. The cops were actually ter- 
rific, real sweet. As I said, I didn't mind 
as much before I had kids. Everything 
changes when it comes to my children. 
PLAYBOY: Like what? 

DEPP: Everything. The way you sleep 
changes. Your whole life is changed. 
Every inch of it is different. 

PLAYBOY: How are you different? 

DEPP: I think it just wakes you up and 
kind of gives you the opportunity to be 
who you really are. Before my kids came 
along I was freaked out to hold a kid. 
When I was a teenager and my brother 
had babies, I was always freaked out to 
hold them. They just seemed so fragile. 
I'd hold them for a minute and then, 
“Okay, here. Take the kid.” So 1 was sur- 
prised how quickly, almost instantly, I 
was okay with my own baby. Within 24 
hours I was fine with it all—the diapers, 
everything. One of the most amazing 
moments in my life was holding my 
brand-new baby, Lily-Rose, just after she 
was born. She wasn’t three hours old, 
and I was holding her. Her little eyes 
were kind of half open. She was drifting 
into sleep. Looking into those little eyes, 
I thought, My God, I'll never be closer to 
another human being in my life. And 


you're not, until your second one comes. 
Before the second one came, there was 
this strange thing, a snippet of worry. 1 
thought, How can I love the second as 
much as the first? Is it possible? And 
when little Jack arrived, it was instant. 
Instant. They just seem so fragile. 
PLAYBOY: Who gave you parenung tips? 
DEPP: One of the greatest pieces of advice 
1 got was from my brother. When 1 told 
him Vanessa was pregnant, he said, 
“Congratulations. You'll never sleep the 
same way again. You'll never have an- 
other calm day as long as you live, but it's 
worth it.” He said it just off-the-cuff, but 
it was right on the money. 

PLAYBOY: Has parenthood influenced the 
movies you'll take on? 

DEPP: Yes. I actually feel as though 1 
make choices with 
my kids in mind. It 
helps me to be clear 
about what I will 
and won't make. I 
want to have my 
kids say, "My pa did 
only the things that 
he felt he should 
do." I don't want 
them to be embar- 
rassed. I think may- 
bethey can be proud 
of some of the work 
1 do. Maybe they 
will be proud that 
1 decided to go 
against the grain 
a little bit and fight 
the good fight. 
When you're older, 
drooling, and your 
children are chang- 
ing your diapers, 
they will know that 
there was integrity. 
PLAYBOY: Vanessa 
is French. Are 


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т. She asked, “Do you remember 
said, "Oh yeah." We had a drink, 
and it was over with at that point. I knew 
I was in big trouble. 

PLAYBOY: What was different about this 
relationship? 

DEPP: Everything. Afier we started dating 
1 worked along, long day and night, and 
1 came home, back to my apartment in 
Paris, at three or four in the morning. 
Vanessa was there, and she was cooking 
for me. That's not to say that a woman 
must cook for a man—that's not what 
I'm saying—but it took me by surprise. 
It was a whole new ball game for me. I'd 
never experienced that before. It was 
like she was a woman not afraid to be a 
woman. I hope that doesn’t sound weird 
or sexist, because it's not. I'm totally in 


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DEPP: Both, actually. I had a fake one for 
the movie, but I moved it and flipped it 
to make a real one for my son, Jack. My 
daughter's here, on my heart. 

PLAYBOY: How many tattoos do you have 
in all? 

DEPP: Let's see. [counts] There are 10. 
I think. 

PLAYBOY: The WINONA FOREVER tattoo is 
somewhat famous. 

DEPP: Yeah, it’s here on my arm. It was 
the kind of thing you do on the spur of 
the moment—*Fuck it, let's do it.” Then 
you break up, but it's still there: a girl's 
name on my arm. 

PLAYBOY: Did it put a damper on new 
relationships following your split 
with Ryder? 

DEPP: Ycah, it can turn a situation a little 
sticky. I changed it 
to WINO FOREVER, 
which is actually a 
bit more accurate. 
PLAYBOY: How pain- 
ful is it to have a 
tattoo removed? 
DEPP: Painful. The 
guy said, "I should 
give you a local 


it me with a 
laser and it seemed 
as though some- 
one had stretched 
an electric rubber 
band all the way to. 
Mars and snapped 
it on the end. Your 
skin burns and 
bubbles up. 
PLAYBOY: Do you 
find it ironic that 
after your public 
relationships with 
people like Winona 
Ryder, it’s only 


now—when you're 


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DEPP: They speak 
French better. 


DIET] 


married and have 
children—that Peo- 
ple magazine pro- 


АВ 
5 


PLAYBOY: Beyond 


nounces you the 


that? 
DEPP: You know, Vanessa could have 
been anything—Icelandic, Armenian, 
Egyptian, whatever. It would have hit 
me with the same force. I wouldn't say 
that it was the French thing. 

PLAYBOY: How did you meet? 

DEPP: We met briefly years ago. I remem- 
ber thinking, Ouch. It was just hello, but 
the contact was electric. That was in 
1993. It wasn't until 1998, when I went 
to do the Polanski film The Ninth Gate 
and was in the lobby of the hotel, getting 
messages. I turned around and across 
the lobby saw this back. She had on a 
dress with an exposed back. 1 thought, 
Wow. Suddenly the back turned and she 
looked at me. I walked right over, and 
there were those eyes again. I knew it 


agreement that women are the stronger, 
smarter, more evolved sex. 

PLAYBOY: Have you considered marriage? 
DEPP: Sure, but it would be a shame to 
ruin her last name. It's so perfect— 
Vanessa Paradis. So beautiful. It would 
be such a drag to stick her with Paradis- 
Depp. It's like a flat note. But for all in- 
tents and purposes, we are married. We 
have two kids together, and she's the 
woman of my life. If she ever said, “Hey, 
let's get hitched,” I would do 

ond. We'll do it if the kids want us to, or 
maybe when the kids are old enough to 
enjoy it with us. 

PLAYBOY: Your kids’ names are tattooed on 
your body, Is the JACK tattoo after your 
son or the pirate in Pirates of the Caribbean? 


sexiest man alive? 
DEPP: I suppose. 

PLAYBOY: Who gave you the news? 

DEPP: My sister called me and said, "Hey, 
guess what." It's so odd. I was glad 1 was 
in Paris at the time, because I thought 
nobody would know. Then, at the bar at 
the Ritz Hotel, a guy goes, "Hey, man, 
congratulations." A friend of mine ran 
into Gérard Depardicu. When I saw my 
friend, he said, "Oh, by the way, Gérard 
says to tell the sexiest man alive...” 1 
mean, if somebody actually be 

I'm deeply flattered, but I don't get 
myself. It’s mortifying. You think, 
Where does that come from? Why did 
they choose me? Why now? I guess it's 


just my time. 


153 


$«x PISTOLS 


(continued from page 92) 
penis and acts like a kind of cock ring, 
delicately vibrating against both part- 
ners’ organs. "We felta little like 15-year- 
old virgins because we were bumbling 
around so much at first," she says, "but 1 
really think it's the undiscovered hero of 
missionary-style orgasmic sex." (She 
typically can't come during sex unless 
she's also touching herself.) "It excited 
my boyfriend, too," she reports. “He 
had a tough time lasting as long as he 
usually docs." 

Once the girls leave I realize that Jill's 
multiorgasmic abilities have stirred my 
competitive nature. Plus, I'm growing 
resentful that even with all this practice, 
I'm still just a one-time-only girl. I feel as 
though I've tried everything short of 


= my 
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11 | 


the anatomically correct Cal Exotics 
Tera Patrick love doll, whose voice box is 
activated when a finger or penis is in- 
serted into her vagina or mouth. Survey- 
ing my trashed living room, I spot the 
Wand. I can't avoid it any longer. 

If I'm going to do it, I may as well go 
full force, so I skip the towels I'd been 
instructed to layer between the Wand's 
bulbous tip and my skin. 1 plug the 
sucker in and switch its one button to 
high, leaving on just my G-string. De- 
spite the Wand's blenderlike sounds, its 
head doesn't seem to be moving. When 
I touch it, however, it feels as if I'm 
being electrocuted. I decide to slip into 
something less comfortable—men's 
tightie whities—and surrender, lying 
back in my bed. 

Immediately the shock waves jolt up 
my spine. It is, without a doubt, the 


“Maybe allowing chicks into the construction trade wasn't 
such a bad idea after all.” 


strongest, most titillating, most fantastic 
thing I've ever felt (barring, of course, 
the touch of someone I love). Typically I 
need to be in a thoroughly sexual state 
of mind to get myself going, but here I 
am, with all the lights on and the dull 
blare of CNN in the background, and 
the sensations in my body are overpow- 
ering everything else. The first orgasm 
hits in less than a minute, and I come a 
second time without even trying. 

History has been made, and I have the 
Wand to thank. 


JUST DESERTS 


When 1 sit down to begin writing this 
story, 1 find myself bewildered. Every- 
thing except the Wand has meshed into 
one big pulsating silicone animal or 
some kind of vibrating, lifelike cock. As 
the pressure of my deadline mounts I 
seek ways to procrastinate—which are 
readily available thanks to the device 
that is now permanently plugged in next 
to my bed. (Writers who work at home 
surely play with themselves more than 
any other sector of society.) 

So what have I learned? My head is 
filled with interesting, if useless, infor- 
mation. For instance, a man having his 
penis molded for a vibrator or dildo 
must maintain his erection sans stimula- 
tion for three minutes—no easy task. 
(That one goes in the FYI folder.) More 
to the point, I've learned that women 
are just as dedicated to the fine art of 
self-gratification as men are, though the 
distinct female body-mind combination 
makes reaching nirvana a matter of per- 
sonal preference—as evidenced by each 
of my friends having an altogether dif 
ferent take on the best product for the 
task. I catch myself wondering whether 
ГИ get addicted to the Wand, whether 
any man will ever top its magical powers. 

The famed sexologists Masters and 
Johnson claimed in 1982 that women 
who rely on “intense mechanical means” 
to reach “instant orgasm” will eventually 
find their ability to achieve higher plea- 
sure with a partner more difficult. Gen- 
erally speaking their claims are probably 
true. And so it seems that—as with so 
many other things in life—the end of 
this story is another beginning. No mat- 
ter how gratifying a week spent with a 
pile of vibrators can be, a week spent 
with a pile of vibrators and another pair 
of hands can be only that much better. 

Unfortunately men aren't packaged in 
plastic and sold in high-end sex stores 
the way vibrators are today. But judging 
by how far this industry has advanced, 
the day when a woman will be able to 
order up a human who meets her spe- 
cific needs—with extended warranty!— 
could be just around the corner, Make 


mine a tall one. 


Victoria Fuller's art career is off to a color- : 
ful start, and she says she owes it all to the 
man who named her Miss January 1996. 
*Hef has inspired me to 


Victoria spends 
anywhere from 
one day to one 
week complet- 
ing each piece— 
and she's always 


streets, TV and 


her next sub- 
ject. “Pop art isa 
reflection of pop 
culture,” she 
says, “so I getin- 
spired by icons, 
the media and pure color to create an en- 
ergy.” Art aficionados are snapping up her 
work. “I have gotten an amazing re- 
sponse,” she says. “People love PLAYBOY, so 
when they see my work for the first time 
they're like, "Wow, that is so cool!’ They 
haven't seen fine art and Bunnies together 
on one canvas since the work of LeRoy 
Neiman.” As a Centerfold, Victoria is ac 
customed to fans stopping her on the 
street, but she admits to being blown away 
by people who recognize her as an emerg- 
ing artist. "It's amazing to 


follow my dreams,” says 
Victoria, who recently 
showed her PLAYBOY- 
themed pop art at galleries 
in New York and Los Ange- 
les. Inspired by Andy 
Warhol, Peter Max, Roy 
Lichtenstein and "all that 
pop culture has to offer," 


Above: Victorio's work. Right: 
At o gollery with Coro Wake- 


hear people say, ‘You're 
that artist!’ because I've 
been known for being a 
Playmate first and fore- 
most for so long. It's great 
to be acknowledged for 
something Гус created.” 
To see more of Victoria's 
work, including her sig- 
nature piece, Back Bunny, 
and one of her portraits 
of Hef, Movie Time, go to 
victoriafuller.net. 


lin ond Lauren Michelle Hill. 


Playmates aut on 
the town, from left 
Victoria Silvstedt at 
the Monte Carlo 
World Music Awards; 
Shauna Sand decked 
out at o Girls Gane 
Wild costume party; 
Corinna Hamey at 
the CineVegas Film 
Festival screening 
of her movie The 
Road Home; Vanessa 
eason laoking the 
part at Glamourcon 
30 in Los Angeles; 
Jenny McCarthy at 
L.A.'s Shrine Audi 
torium for the 31st 
annual Americon 
Music Awards. 


scanning the ; 


the movies for ; 


30 YEARS AGO THIS MONTH 


Fans of Miss May 1974 and 
PMOY 1975 Marilyn Lange 
are still talking 
about the way 
she twisted a 


to say at the 
time about 
porn movies: 
"It's nice — 
when there's a little room. 
left to the imagination." 


LOOSE LIPS | 
“As a child I was painfully 
shy, I followed my brother 
and sister everywhere, even 
though they would do crazy 
things to me—like putting 
me up in our tree house 
and running off for hours 
1 came out of my shell in 
high school. 1 was voted 
Best Figure and Biggest 
Flirt." —Angela Little 


JENNIFEI 


THREE THINGS YOU DIDN'T 
KNOW ABOUT NIKKI ZIERING 
1. As Matthew Perry's abusive per- 
sonal trainer in the movie Serving 

Sara, she did all her own stunts. 

2. The Lingerie 
Bowl, which fea- 
tured Nikki as 
the Team Dream 
captain and aired 
during halftime 
of the 2004 Su- 
per Bowl, was de- 
clared a bust. "It 
was about as titil- 
lating as tossing a football through a 
tire hanging from a backyard tree,” 
wrote an ESPN.com columnist. 

3. She did, however, rock L.A. Fashion 
Week when she wore a bikini made of 
Guns N' Roses guitar picks. “Nikki 
stole the show,” said one onlooker. 


NICOLE LEN: 


What's the latest trend in 
Celebrityland? Posting eye- 
popping first-person profiles on 
Friendster.com, After the New 
York Post published a story 
about Johnson & Johnson heir- 
ess Casey Johnson's salacious 
missives, we found o profile of 
Nicole Lenz (here, left, with 

mberly Stewart), in which 
Nicole divulges some personal 
info. Some excerpts: “Interests: 
Finding sexy people to play with, 
getting drunk, break dancing 
(yeah, right), smoking weed.” 
"About Me: Retard is my game, 
and genius is my nome." “Who! 
Want to Meet: People who wan- 
na sove the frickin’ world, man! 


ОР QUESTIONS: 
LANI TODD 


Q: When did you realize you were 
beautiful? 

A: When I was 17. I don't try to 
use my sexuality as a form of pow- 
er, though, because 
your beauty can be 
taken from you at 
any time. 

Q: What's the most 
fun you've had with 
clothes on? 

A: Kissing! It can 
be more intimate 
than intercourse. 

Q: We're making 
you a romantic din- 
ner. What's on the 
menu? 


A: Wine, a nice steak and some 
asparagus—it's my favorite vegetable. 


MY FAVORITE PLAYMATE 


By Richard Moll 


“My fovorite is Miss April 
1999, Natalia Sokolova. 
She drinks her milk—she’s 
domn toll. 1 like o womon 
1 con see eye to eye with— 
even lying down! She gave 
me o tour of the Monsion 
once. | proposed to her, but 
then I let it slip thot | wos 


Y fh, тоге. So tho! didn't go 
over very 


PLAYMATE GOSSIP 


Animal rights activist Pamela 
Anderson felt so bad that pa- 
parazzi had caught her wearing 
sheepskin Ugg boots, she 
introduced fake Uggs at 
the Magic fashion trade 
show in Las Vegas... 
Congratulations to Julia 
Schultz, who recently mar- 
ried San Francisco Giants 
pitcher Brett Tomko....Seven 
Centerfolds, including Marketa 


Janska, Divini Rae, Serria 
Tawan, Cara Wakelin, Karen 
McDougal and Irina Voronina 
(pictured above) traveled to 
Moscow for PLAYBOY Russia's cel- 
ebration of Playboy's 50th 
anniversary....Bunnies Nicole 
Wood, Lani Todd and Cara 
Wakelin signed autographs at 
Henri Bendel's New York Bunny 
Boutique during a guys’ shop- 
ping night....Donna D’Errico 
and her husband, Nikki Sixx, are 
featured in a JVC “Are You Expe- 
rienced?” print ad....The newly 
svelte Anna Nicole Smith, who 
has reportedly 

lost more than 


Hef ond Colleen Morie 
getting totally Justified. 


80 pounds, was seen busting into 
Betsey Johnson's Los Angeles 
store to buy armfuls of dresses... 
Colleen Marie (above) partied 
with Justin Timberlake and Hef 
at the Mansion. No word on any- 
one crying anyone else a river. 


Matthew Perry 


(continued from page 123) 
PERRY: SportsCenter. Inside the Actors Stu- 
dio, because of what I can learn from it 
And any of your porn stations. I really 
don't watch much. I stopped watching 
Friends a long time ago, just because 1 
was there and 1 knew what was going 
on. Sometimes when I see it in syndica- 
tion it's a nice look back and I remem- 
ber my Charlotte Rampling hairstyle. 


12 


PLAYBOY: What is television doing too 
much of? 

perry: I think television is getting lazy. 
Sometimes reality TV is fun to watch—I 
admit I watched the first Joe Millionaire 
every week. I had people over to the 
house. But producers are getting lazy 
and cheap, and if it continues that way 
there won't be another Friends or MASH. 
It’s so much more inexpensive to use 
real people—you whisper to them what 
to say and then they say it, which is what 
I believe happens on reality television 
shows, frankly. I don't buy the “I love 
you” and “Let’s get married” and all this 
fake craziness. 


13 


PLAYBOY: What's the weirdest story line 
discussed but never used on Friends? 
PERRY: There was a discussion about 
Chandler going to a male strip joint 
every day just because he loved the 
sandwiches. It's very funny, but that's 
the one story line I nixed 


14 


PLAYBOY: Besides the added yard, how is 
the sequel The Whole Ten Yard: different 
from The Whole Nine Yards? 


PERRY: It has a different style. It's more of 


a Midnight Run-style movie than the first 
one. We tried to tap more into the chem- 
istry between Bruce Willis and me. Who 
knew that this man who saves the world 
in other movies would be able to ping- 
pong funny stuff with me? The first one 
was mostly me. I was the pitcher to who- 
ever came up to bat, and this sequel has 
a lot more of Amanda Peet, bruce and 
me. This time we have Kevin Pollak 
playing an B5-year-old who steals every 
scene he's in. He made me laugh so 
many times that we had to cut the cam- 
era because I was making involuntary 
sounds—not all of them oral. 


15 


PLAYBOY: Does Amanda reprise her mem- 
orable topless scene from the original? 

PERRY: First, I wasn't allowed on the set 
that day, which was a terrible experience 
for me. She didn’t want to do the scene in 
the first place, and I said, “You've got a 
great role in this despite that scene. And 
you're going to get a lot of attention, not 


just from that scene but from the work 
you do in the movie. Do it.” Amanda is 
one of my favorite people in the world. 
She is dorky and beautiful and wonder- 
ful and talented, with this innate sense of 
timing that 1 really respect. So without 
taking her clothes off this time, she is 
probably sexier than she was in the first. 
Amanda, I hope you read this. 


16 


PLAYBOY: You're one of the few celebrities 
we see regularly wearing glasses. Why 
don't you just get that operation? 

PERRY: I’m a little wary of laser surgery 
because of the earthquake that could po- 
tentially occur right when it's happen- 
ing. I'm nearsighted. As I'm sitting here 
with you I can see you completely clear- 
ly. But if you were 20 feet away, you'd 
look like a black woman. 


17 


PLAYBOY: Who will be the first Friends cast 
member to guest-star on Matt LeBlanc's 
spin-off? 

PERRY: I guess the correct answer is who- 
ever is asked first. Oh, probably me. 
Matty and I are very close, and I support 
him in all his endeavors. 


18 


PLAYBOY: How will Matt let you know 


"But almost everyone is rejected by "The Bachelor." 


that it’s his damn show now? 
PERRY: He won't. 


19 


PLAYBOY: What's your post-Friends career 
nightmare, the one that wakes you in a 
cold sweat? 

PERRY: That I won't be able to continue 
the creative growth that I have experi- 
enced as an actor in the past 10 years. I 
was so inspired watching Bill Murray in 
Lost in Translation. If that went away all of 
a sudden and I went, “Wait a minute— 
carpentry!” that would be a nightmare. 
To be honest, 1 don't want to star in any 
more what I call Love Boat movies—boy 
meets girl, they have some kind of prob- 
lem, maybe on the fiesta deck, and then 
they make up and kiss and the camera 
pans out to the entire city. I think I've 
been in three or four of those. On the 
fourth I was like, “Really? We're going to 
end this way—again?” 


20 


PLAYBOY: It seems every hit TV series is 
remade as a movie these days. Can you 
cast the Friends movie for us? 

PERRY: I think the idea of recasting 
Friends is absolutely insane. That said, I 
think Matthew Broderick would be fine 


as Chandler. 


” 


157 


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WHAT'S HAPPENING, WHERE IT'S HAPPENING AND WHO'S MAKING IT HAPPEN 


Scene 


SHIFTING GLAR 


4 Jaguar's D-type 
racing convertible 
dominated Le 


o you can't afford that $600,000 Ferrari Enzo? You poor, 
pathetic bastard. Lucky for you, automakers are now littering 
showrooms with lifestyle products—knives, stereos, watches, 


computers—branded with their company logos. The idea? To Mans in the 
apply the kind of pleasure you get from joyriding a high-end car to 19505, Now 
other parts of your life. Stay tuned for future products such as Chrysler Dunhill's 
cauliflower and BMW kittens, No, seriously. —SCOTTSTEINBERG fe d-Type MkII 
($1,270) 
lets you put 
There's no telling what the winner 
kind of trouble you ‘on your 
may find yourself in wrist. Its 
while off-roading. Pack brushed- 
the Jeep Z Case Sing steel curves 
Along karaoke system are a loving 
($100) and you can homage to 
croon until help arrives. the big D. 


< what's the fun of a Ferrari 
laptop with a custom red 
paint job if it doesn’t blow 
the doors offaregularcom- — | 
puter? Under the hood 
‘of Acer's Ferrari 3200 
(52,000) are a 64-bit 
processor, a 128 MB 
ATI graphics card 
and a DVD bumer. 
It’s enough 
to make your 
old PC look 
like a Pinto. 


Carry P 
this car- 
bon-fiber 
knife-and-pen 
set from Mer- 
cedes ($785) and 
you can gloat about 
your Benz long after it 
has been valeted. For 
maximum efíect, use the 
utility knife only to uncork 
$500-plus bottles of wine. 


i 


RICHARD UI 


4 The suspension on BMW's Slide- 
Carver Scooter ($695) is based 
оп the one in the 5 Series sedan, 
plus it has front and rear steer- 
ing and twin-disc brakes. Warn- 
ing: May cause skateboarders to 
pound the crap out of you. 


WHERE AND HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 143. 


MS rapevine 


Carey Goes Literary 
MARIAH CAREY (seen here at a 
recent LA. concert) is hoping to 
turn her life story into a book. 
Can we judge it by its cover? 


Your Buddy Is a Wonderland 

JOHN MAYER got some pointers from BUDDY GUY, often 

called the world’s greatest blues guitarist, when they played 

at Irving Plaza in New York City. While the screaming teenage 

160 girls were there for Mayer, the fellas were in Buddy's pocket. 


d 


Campbell's Cou 

NAOMI CAMPBELL, the first black model to appear on the 
cover of Time, has transitioned into acting and singing. On 
the catwalk, however, she still outshines the other girls. 


Pop Cruz 
Why is TOM 
CRUISE (with girl- 
friend PENÉLOPE 
CRUZ at a London 
movie premiere) 
sporting an extra- 
big trademark 
grin? Wouldn't 
you be? 


Desert Flower 

Nevada's KASSIA ROSE has a few 
hot zones on her résumé, includ- 
ing E!'s Wild On and print ads for 
Reeí Brazil. She clearly knows 
about (un)dressing for the heat. 


Best Bai 


Want even more 
of China's BAL 
LING? See her | 
go for sci-fi glory 
in Star Wars 
Episode Ш and 
s summer's 

Sky Captain and 
the World of 

Tomorrow. 


Hawaii 1-0 = 


The $ Oahu, Hawaii 
Tee 21st annual 
Miss Hawaiian Tropic In- 
ternational Pageant, One 
of the top four fi 
Florida» model 
ARIAS, who. never 

she didn't likeige = 


Motpourri 


GOING DEEP 


The clubhead on the Deep Red II Maxx ($449, 


wilsongolf.com) is the largest Wilson has ever 
produced and comes with a host of perfor- 
mance tweaks. Designers seated the center of 
gravity farther back from the clubface to 
improve stability (think rear-wheel drive) and 
stiffened the shaft, resulting in less torque and 
a higher launch. Sure, it will feel like you're 


swinging a dinosaur femur, but if it gets you on 


the green in one, do you really care? 


CHECK THE OIL 


d from rare olivastro seggianese olives, 


Pre 
Ttal 
Manni's olive oils are some of the most expen- 
sive in the world ($30 for 100 milliliters, 
manni.biz). You get a lot for your money, 
though. Their flavor is 

so intense, you need to 
add only a third of the 
amount you would 
with other oils. And as 
those who've had one 
can attest, you can’t 
puta price on a truly 
stunning virgin 


162 


SHARP SHOOTER 


Want to take your shoot- 
ing games up a notch on 
the realism scale? Peli- 
can's Silent Scope Light 
Rifle (Xbox only, $50, 
pelicanperformance.com; 
naked lady sold 
separately) is the 
most realistic gun 
controller on the 
market. Designed 
to work with the 
sniper game Silent 
Scope, the rifle uses 
a motion-activated 
sensor to let you 
zoom the scope by 
tilting your head. 
Squeeze the tigger and 
the gun even bucks 
against your shoulder to 
simulate kickback. The 
less precision-oriented 
can convert it to a pump- 
action shotgun for playing 
House of the Dead. 


an film producer-photographer Armando 


THE CUTTING EDGE 


You never know when you'll need to slice something—whether 
it's a lime at cocktail time, the flesh of your enemies or the 15 
pounds of packaging that comes with every consumer product 
these days. Our picks from among Spyderco's latest batch of 
stainless steel sharps, from left: The Persian Folder ($135) is an 
all-star utility player—a perfectly weighted *gentleman's knife” 
that shares its name with a contortionist we once knew in Tehran 
The D'Allara Rescue ($80), named for an NYPD officer who 
perished in the World Trade Center disaster, is designed for 
emergency rescue use. The little Cricket ($65) weighs just an 
ounce and doubles as a money clip. More info at spyderco.com 


| 


x 


TIME IS MONEY 


Timex’s new line of Speedpass-enabled 
watches ($35-$50, timex.com) lets you 
strap cash-free purchasing power to your 
wrist. Link the Speedpass account to the 
credit or debit card of your choice and 
items at participating McDonald's restau- 
rants and Exxon and Mobil gas stations 
will become yours with a regal wave of 
the watch. All of which leaves your hands 
free to pump gas (or scarf burgers). 


WILD CARDS 


The Breast King's signature deck ($10, 
breastking.com) may be the most realistic 
and socially conscious set of nudie cards 
ever created. Featuring winners of the 
King's weekly open-entry best-natural- 
breasts contest, the subjects are diverse, to 
say the least (from flat-chested and tattooed 
to enormous and pierced). Plus, a cut of 
the profits goes to breast cancer research. 


DADDY, WHERE DO CARS 
COME FROM? 


In the 1990s the Big Three car 
manufacturers all installed new 
top designers in hopes of reviv- 
ing their moribund aesthetics. 
"Those seeds are now bearing 
fruit in the current American 
car design renaissance. If you 
want to impress the ladies with 
your auto-geckitude, C. 
Armi's American Car Design Now 
($35, Rizzoli) will get you up to 
speed, thanks to high-octane 
interviews with such luminaries 
as J Mays (Ford) and Wayne 
Cherry (General Motors), along 
with photos of their top models. 


ROCK-AND-ROLL UPGRADE 


Thanks to multimedia PCs, people now listen 
to far more music while staring at a monitor than while, say, eat- 
ing dinner or fornicating. The result? High-end computer audio 
equipment such as the Xhifi Xducer 2.1 (xhifi.com), an $800 
speaker system that plugs into your 'puter. The subwoofer and 
50-watt amp will more than fill your office with thump, and two 
360-degree satellites offer stunning high-resolution sound. 


FROM SCOTLAND WITH LOVE 
We don't have to tell whiskey 
fans what a treat a special bot- 
ding of Laphroaig is. Though 
the crusty distillery is known for 
rarely deviating from its hide- 
bound ways, this 10-year-old 
straight-from-the-wood cask- 
strength brew (114.6 proof, $60) 
is evidence that the old dog has 
some new tricks up its sleeve 
Add a splash of water and hang 
on tight. And speaking of new 
tricks, Johnnie Walker is bring- 
ing its 15-year-old Pure Malt to 
America. Green Label ($50) 
easily competes with J.W.s other 
top-shelf offerings (Blue and 
Gold), though it's mellower and 
a touch fruitier. Not that there's 
anything wrong with that. 


163 


BNex: Month 


THE PLAYMATE OF THE YEAR'S BACKI 


THE VEGAS CHAPEL WARS LONG BEFORE BRITNEY SPEARS 
STARRED IN A QUICKIE SIN CITY WEDDING, FOLKS HAD BEEN 
FLOCKING TO LAS VEGAS TO GET HITCHED WITHOUT A HAS- 
SLE, BEHIND THE GARTER BELTS AND THE ORDAINED ELVIS 
IMPERSONATORS, HOWEVER, LOVE IS A BATTLEFIELD. A CROP. 
OF CUTTHROAT CHAPEL OWNERS IS COMPETING FOR BUSI- 
NESS—EVEN IF IT MEANS TURNING HONEYMOONS INTO HELL. 
BY KATE SILVER AND SCOTT DICKENSHEETS 


PLAYBOY'S SUMMER MOVIE PREVIEW—NO AIR-CONDI- 
TIONING AT HOME? THEN YOU LL BE SPENDING А LOT OF 
TIME AT THE MOVIES. BEFORE YOU WASTE YOUR MONEY ON 
BIG-BUDGET, SPECIAL-EFFECTS-LADEN FLOPS, GET IN LINE 
FOR OUR BIG-SCREEN GUIDE. WE HANDICAP EVERYTHING 
FROM SPIDER-MAN 2 TO THE STEPFORD WIVES. YOU BRING 
THE POPCORN. 


THE NAKED PAGE PROJECT—IN OUR 50TH ANNIVERSARY 
ISSUE, AUTHOR JONATHAN SAFRAN FOER SHARED HIS. 
COLLECTION OF BLANK FAPER FROM FAMOUS WRITERS. 
THEN HE ASKED READERS TO CUT THE EMPTY PAGE FROM 
HIS ARTICLE AND MAIL IT IN. WE GOT HUNDREDS OF 
THOUGHTFUL, FUNNY AND JUST PLAIN WEIRD RESPONSES. 
FOER SHEDS LIGHT ON THE PAPER TRAIL. 


SUMMER FLICKS: SPIDEY'S HERE, 


Ш 


MISS JUNE, HIROMI OSHIMA, OH SO HOT, 


PLAYMATE OF THE YEAR 2004—WE SPENT MONTHS NAR- 
ROWING DOWN 12 PERFECT CENTERFOLDS TO ONE INCRED- 
IBLE PLAYMATE OF THE YEAR. IT WAS A TOUGH JOB, BUT WE 
ROSE TO THE CHALLENGE. NOW WE'VE GOT A BRAND-NEW 
PICTORIAL OF OUR WINNER. WANT A HINT? SHE LOOKS 
BETTER NAKED THAN YOU DO. 


THE DIGITAL REVOLUTION COMES HOME—WANT THE ULTI- 
MATE TRICKED-OUT LIVING ROOM? AN OFFICE EVEN YOUR 
BOSS WILL ENVY? THE COOLEST STUFF TO TAKE WITH YOU 
ON THE ROAD? EMBRACE YOUR INNER GEEK AND PLUG INTO 
OUR PICKS FOR MORE THAN 20 NEW HIGH-END PRODUCTS, 
INCLUDING PLASMA TVS, PERSONAL VIDEO PLAYERS AND РС 
GAME CONTROLLERS. THEY'LL BLOW YOUR MIND, YOUR 
FUSE BOX AND YOUR WALLET, TOO! 


WET HOT AMERICAN SUMMER—THE BEACH IS HOPPING 
WITH GIRLS IN BIKINIS. WE'VE GOT SWIMSUITS AND FLIP-FLOPS 
THAT WILL LOOK JUST AS GOOD ON HER CABANA FLOOR. 


PLUS: A FRIGHTENING INVESTIGATION INTO GENETICALLY 
MODIFIED FRANKENFOODS, AT BAT (AND IN DEPTH) WITH 
YANKEES SUPERSTAR DEREK JETER IN A HOME RUN PLAYBOY 
INTERVIEW, GORE VIDAL ON THE PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE, THE 
SUPERCOOL LOTUS ELISE, AND MISS JUNE, HIROMI OSHIMA. 


Playboy (ISSN 0032-1478), May 2004, volume 51, number 5. Published monthly by Playboy in national and regional editions, Playboy, 680 North 
Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611. Periodicals postage paid at Chicago, Illinois and at additional mailing offices. Canada Post Canadian 
Publications Mail Sales Product Agreement No. 40035534. Subscriptions: in the U.S., $29.97 for 12 issues. Postmaster: Send address change to 

164 Playboy, PO. Box 2007, Harlan, Iowa 51537-4007. For subscription-related questions, call 800-999-4438, or e-mail circ@ny.playboy.com.