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INELIGIBLE BEER IN THE COOLER 


The presence of a Bud Light in а 
cooler otherwise filled with Miller Lite, 
which has more taste and half the 
carbs. Ineligible Beers are often brought 
to your party by uninvited guests, 


also known as Ineligible People on 


Your Couch. 


GOOD CALL: 


To avoid Ineligible Beer 

in the Cooler, fill only with 
great tasting, less filling 
Miller Lite. Make the call 
for more. 


od call. 


| Live Responsibly ) 


2004 Mller Brewing Со. Miwaukes 


Per 12 oz., Miller Lite has 96 cals., 3.2g carbs, 099 protein, 0.09 fat and Bud Light has 6.69 carbs. 


FLAVOR INTERFERENCE 


А common penalty that occurs 
when a “friend” hands youa 
Budweiser, and by doing so, 
denies you of a more flavorful 
beer experience. This is ап 


automatic letdown. 


GOOD CALL: 


To avoid Flavor Interference, 
always give a friend a genuine 
flavored, cold-filtered smooth 
Miller Genuine Draft. Make 
the call for more. 


NA. call. 


Live Responsibly ' 


THIS 


TRIMMER 
REALLY 
SUCKS. 


2004 Norelco Consumar Produets Company. A Division of Philips Electronics North America Corp. 


THE VACUUM IS BUILT RIGHT IN. 


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Cover girl Denise Richards was shot in the British Virgin 
Islands by Senior Contributing Photographer Stephen 
Wayda. “The idea was that Denise is the ultimate girl to be 
stranded on a deserted island with. So we found a little spit. 
of land all by itself, about 100 yards long and 30 yards 
wide, out in the middle of the ocean. Since Denise was 
supposed to be shipwrecked, stylist Rebecca Brough 
wove a bathing suit out of palms she found on the island. | 
wanted Denise to look as natural as she would running 
around on the beach without the camera. And that's what 
happened. She told me that five days after her return to 
civilization she was still getting the sand out of her hair. 
Denise is a great beauty with an incredible innate sexuality, 
so all it took was a bit of sand, a little water and the sun." 


In The Incredible Adventures of 
the Collector, Glen David Gold 
delves into the world of hard- 
core comic-book enthusiasts. "I 
like stories about obsession," 
Gold says. "People have long 
been interested in comics, but. 
most oí the action took place at 
conventions. Since eBay started 
there's been an explosion of 
interest." Graphic novels get all 
the press, but for some adults 
Spider-Man still holds sway. 
"The article is also a way to 
justify my own obsession," he 
Says. "I got into collecting for 
the same reason other people 
do—it fulfilled an emotional 
need. When you are a kid, the 
story lines blow your mind. But 
that changes over time. Now 1 
enjoy the aesthetics of the art.” 


Annie Proulx won a Pulitzer 
Prize for The Shipping News 
and was the first woman to win 
the PEN/Faulkner Award, for 
Postcards. Now she's in PLAYBOY, 
with a new story called The Old 
Badger Game. “It is sort of a 
rural noir fantasy,” she says. 
“Sometimes a story is there in 
your head, complete, and this 
was one of those.” The flora 
and fauna of ranch life appar- 
ently provide ample inspiration. 
“There wasn't any watching of 
badgers or brooding on badger 
Ме,” Proulx says. “But badgers 
have a great deal of personality, 
and it just seemed that badgers 
are missing from the literature 
of the day and it might be a 
good idea to write about them.” 


The Norman Mailer portrait accompanying Reflections on 
Courage, Morality and Sexual Pleasure, a Socratic dialogue 
between Mailer and his son John Buffalo Mailer, is by Daniel 
Adel. “I have always been fascinated by the face,” Adel 
explains. “There is no visual experience more complex. You 
can get a whole life history from a face. As a portrait painter 
1 often specialize in things having to do with studying a face, 
the architecture of a face. Norman's is an amalgam of 
unique features. You can sense that he is a passionate guy.” 


Dean Martin is famous for saying, during Hugh Hefner's 
celebrity roast, that Hef "is the only guy whose water bed has. 
whitecaps." Now Bill Zehme lauds Martin, the Rat Pack's king 
of cool, in The Importance of Being Dino. “This isn't so much 
a profile as it is an invocation of a man and what he stands for. 
I have written books about two legends of cool: The Way 
You Wear Your Hat, about Frank Sinetra, and Hef's Little Black 
Book. My holy trinity has always been Frank, Hef and Johnny 
Carson. It's time to make room for Dino—he's back." 


IT’S NOT YOUR SHOES. 
IT'S NOT YOUR CAR. 
IT'S NOT YOUR MUSIC. 


IT'S YOUR WATOH THAT 


TELLS MOST ABOUT WHO YOU ARE. 


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PLAYBOY. 


vol. 51, no.12—december 2004 


contents] 


features = 


86 


106 


120 


168 


171 


REFLECTIONS ON COURAGE, MORALITY AND SEXUAL PLEASURE 
America’s foremost family of letters hashes out some of the most important issues 
vexing our nation today: shrill battles over morality, jostling between the sexes and the 
future role of literature in society. BY NORMAN MAILER AND JOHN BUFFALO MAILER 


THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING DINO 

Dean Martin, the Rat Pach’s king of cool, is back. With his impeccable sense of humor 
and style as relevant as ever, it's time to reexamine the men's life and work—and 
uncover a little-known secret. BY BILL ZEHME 


PLAYBOY'S HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE 
Forget visions of sugarplums. This year i'll be a Harley-Davidson, a Breitling 
watch and a Ferrari pen dancing in your head 


OH, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE! 
We broke federal postal laus to intercept holiday thank-you notes written by Michael 
Moore, Nicky Hilton, Mel Gibson and others. 


THE INCREDIBLE ADVENTURES OF THE COLLECTOR 
Think guys who hoard comic books are a bit odd? Wait until you meet men obsessed 
with buying and selling original comic-book artwork. BY GLEN DAVID GOLD 


THE PERFECT NIGHT 
We've got the recipe for а romantic dinner for two. Ingredients include the right 
flowers and music, and coq au vin preceded by chestnut soup. BY A-3. BAIME 


IN THE PAINT 
With our slam-dunk preview of the new NCAA hoops season, you'll be set to make 
early predictions about March Madness and the NBA draft. BY DAVID KAPLAN 


PLAYBOY’S MUSIC POLL 2004 
Now that the presidential election is over, rock this vote. Tell us what you think 
ruled and reeked in music this year. Also, we rap with Nas and Kanye West. 


20Q DUSTIN HOFFMAN 
The eternal graduate tells us about losing his virginity, talking to Brando and why 
his libido is a “maniac.” BY ROBERT B. DESALVO AND DAVID SHEFF 


CENTERFOLDS ON SEX: NICOLE WOOD 
The spa owner explains why you can undress her if you get dressed up. 


fiction 


130 


172 


THE REVENGE OF THE GODFATHER 
The saga of Michael Corleone and his famiglia continues. This time, after a cold- 
blooded hit, there's а problem—what to do with the body. BY MARK WINEGARDNER 


THE OLD BADGER GAME 
Fur starts flying when a badger falls for a rancher's wife. BY ANNIE PROULX 


interview 


75 


BERNIE MAC 

Mr. 3000 inhaled deeply on the oxygen machine he brought along to this 
Playboy Interview before answering our questions about his difficult childhood, 
African American stereotypes and his gun collection. BY DAVID RENSIN 


cover story 


It's hard to soy whot we love most abaut 
Denise Richards. She's a Bond girl. Charlie 
Sheen gove up his ployboy ways ta moke her a 
permanent рой of his life. And she took part in 
the sexiest threesome ever seen in an R-rated 
film. She praves to Senior Contributing Phatag- 
ropher Stephen Woyda that she's still a wild 
thing. Our Rabbit thinks she's о jewel. 


b&b 
“PLAYBOY MANSION WEST 


THE GIRLFRIENDS 
Sex and the City 
-obsessed girls cant get enough of Ca 


My shoe rrie and her crew 
SECURITY 
The Wire 


Justa friendly reminder of what it’s like working the street 


THE ZOOKEEPER 
The Sopranos 
Because he calls himself the “Boss of the Family"— even though he’s 
referring to my family of squirrel monkeys 


THE GARDENER 


Curb Your Enthusiasm 


When he’s not watering the peonies, this guy does а dead-on Larry David impression 


THE VALETS 
Da Ali G Show 
these  jokesters see Sacha Baron Cohen, 


When they'll know what funny really is 


Award-winning BO it 
HBO series are now available on ОМ ift givi 
D for your holiday gift givi 
ly gift giving. 


THE PERFECT GIFT FOR THE 


GUY WHO'LL NEVER BE 
SATISFIED HAVING JUST ONE. 


Satisfy everyone this holiday with the gift of HBO” DVDs. 


Happier Holidays from HBO 
VIDEO 


Y 


vol. 51, no.12—december 2004 


El. 
pictorials 
90 SEX IN CINEMA 25 AFTER HOURS 
Corn wasn't the only thing oF. ren 
popping at the movies in 2004. 
The year's hottest scenes include 59 THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 
Chloé Sevigny in The Brawn 146 PARTY JOKES 
Bunny, Nicole Kidman in Cold am SO WO Bl 
Mountain and Naomi Watts 
in 21 Grams. 221 ОМ THE SCENE 
114 REMEMBERING 2212 GANG 
POMPEO POSAR 224 POTPOURRI 
Our eulogy to a legendary 
PLAYBOY photographer whose с 
beautiful images will never die. fashion 
134 PLAYMATE: 154 TIME FOR TOPCOATS 
TIFFANY FALLON Keep warm, look cool: The latest 
Our holiday gift lo you: a blue-eyed trends include leather, fur trim and 
brunette who loves football. denim. BY JOSEPH DE АСЕТІ5 
176 DENISE RICHARDS 
We're happy to run aground on reviews 
this screen siren's desert isle. 
37 MOVIES 
Ocean's Twelve steals the show, 
notes and news The Aviator flies high, and we're 
pleased to Meet the Fockers. 
17 DREAM A LITTLE DREAM 
Luke Wilson, Sarah Silverman апа 38 DVDS 
Paris Hilton puck around at Hef's The rebirth of The Bourne 
Midsummer Night’s Dream bash. Supremacy, heavenly Hell's Angels 
53 GEDEWNEISYTESTSU and the best DVD gift sels. 
Why we need to get the government 44 MUSIC 
out of our libraries and bookstores; Lil Jon gets low again, John Lennon 
how cofs corral protesters. unplugged and Dennis Broum m dub. 
217 PLAYMATE NEWS 46 GAMES 
Ihe FCC can't stop Howard Stern Get trigger-happy in the trenches 
from hanging out with Centerfolds. of Killzone; play like James Bond. 
in GoldenEye: Rogue Agent. 
departments 48 BOOKS 
Book these for the holidays: new 
7, PLAYBILE page-turners about cars, cooking, 
21 DEAR PLAYBOY cuties and Chicago. 


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PLAYBOY 


HUGH М. HEFNER 
editor-in-chief 


CHRISTOPHER NAPOLITANO, 
editorial director 


STEPHEN RANDALL deputy editor 
TOM STAEBLER art director 
GARY COLE photography director 
LEOPOLD FROEHLICH executive editor 
LISA CINDOLO GRACE managing editor 
ROBERT LOVE editor at large 


EDITORIAL. 
FEATURES: AJ. BAIMEarticles editor FORUM: CHIP ROWE Senior editor; PATTY LAMBERTI assistant editor 
MODERN LIVING: SCOTT ALEXANDER senior editor STAFF: ALISON PRATO Senior associate editor; 
ROBERT B. DESALVO, TIMOTHY МОНЕ, JOSH ROBERTSON assistant editors; HEATHER HAEBE, CAROL KUBALER, 
EMILY LITTLE. KENNY LULL editorial assistanls CARTOONS: MICHELLE URRY editor COPY: WINIFRED ORMOND 
copy chief; sveve CORDON associate сору chief; CAMILLE cauri senior copy editor; PETER BORTEN. 
ANTOINE DOZOIS, SUSAN JACKSON, AUTUMN MADRANO copy editors RESEARCH: DAVID COHEN research 
director; BRENDAN BARR senior researcher; DAVID PFISTER associate senior researcher; MARK HUNTLEY, 
RON MOTTA, DARON MURPHY, MATTHEW SHEPATIN researchers; MARK DURAN research librarian EDITORIAL 
PRODUCTION: JENNIFER JARONECZYK HAWTHORNE assistant managing editor; VALERIE THOMAS manager; 
VALERY SOROKIN associale READER SERVICE: MIKE OSTROWSKI correspondent CONTRIBUTING 
EDITORS: MARK BOAL (WRITER AT LARGE), KEVIN BUCKLEY, JOSEPH DE ACETIS (FASHION DIRECTOR! 
GRETCHEN EDGREN, LAWRENCE GROBEL. KEN GROSS, JENNIFER RYAN JONES (FASHION), WARREN KALBACKER, 
JAMES KAMINSKY, ARTHUR KRETCHMER, JOE MORGENSTERN, MERIEN ORLET (FASHION), JAMES К. PETERSEN, 
DAVID RENSIN, DAVID SHEFF, JOHN D. THOMAS, ALICE К. TURNER 


HEIDI PARKER west coast editor 


ART 

SCOTT ANDERSON, BRUCE HANSEN, CHET SUSKI, LEN WILLIS, ROB WILSON Senior art directors; 
PAUL CHAN senior art assistant; JOANNA METZGER art assistant; 

CORTEZ WELLS 071 Services coordinator; MALINA LEE Senior art administrator 


PHOTOGRAPHY 
MARILYN GRABOWSKI west coast editor; JIM LARSON managing editor; 


ТТУ BEAUDETFRANCIS, 
KEVIN KUSTER, STEPHANIE MORRISsenior editors; RENAY LARSON assistant editor; 

ARNY FREYTAG, STEPHEN WAYDA senior contributing photographers; GEORGE GEORGIOU staff 
photographer; RICHARD 1201, MIZUNO, BYRON NEWMAN, GEN NISHINO, DAVID RAMS contributing 
photographers; nits. wurre studio manager—tos angeles; BONNIE JEAN KENNY 
manager, photo library; KEVIN CRAIG manager, photo lab; MATT STEIGHIGE!, photo 
researcher; PENNY EKKERT, KRYSTLE JOHNSON production coordinators 


DIANE SILBERSTEIN publisher 


ADVERTISING 
JEFF KIMMEL advertising direclor; non STERN new york manager; MARIE FIRNENO advertising operations 
director; KARA змазку advertising coordinator NEW YORK: HELEN BIANCULLA direct response advertising 


ANKE 


director; TATIANA VERENICIN fashion manager; LARRY MENKES senior account executive; SHERI М 
southeast manager; TONY SARDINAS, TRACY WISE account executives CHICAGO: JOE HC OFFER midwest sales 
manager; WADE BAXTER senior account executive LOS ANI 
managers DETROIT: DAN COLEMAN detroit manager SAN FRANCISC 


ILES: PETE AUERBACH, COREY SPIEGEL west coast 


D MEAGHER northwest manager 


MARKETING 
LISA NATALE associate publisher/marketing; SUE tco event marketing director; JULIA LICHT marketing 
services director; CHRISTOPHER SHOOLIS research director; DONNA TAVOSO creative services director 


PRODUCTION 
MARIA MANDIS director; JODY JURGETO production manager; CINDY FONTARELLL, DEBBIE TILLOU associate 
managers; CHAR KROWCZYR. BARB TERIELA assistant managers; BILL BENWAY, SIMNIE WILLIAMS prepress 


CIRCULATION 
LARRY a DJERF newsstand sales director; PHYLLIS ROTUNNO subscription circulation director 


ADMINISTRATIVE 
MARCIA TERRONES rights & permissions director 


PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES INTERNATIONAL, IN! 
CHRISTIE HEFNER chairman, chief executive officer 
JAMES P RADTKE senior vice president and general manager 


You get thejfiacts before buying a car, sell 
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Hef’s famous Midsummer Night's Dream 
party—a full-frontal fantasy fest that draws 
beautiful A-listers from around the globe— 
gave partygoers a dazzling night to remember. 
(1) Hef getting it on with girlfriends Kendra, 
Holly and Bridget. (2) Luke Wilson and James 
Caan. (3) Thora Birch with the Host. (4) 
Natasha Henstridge and Ryan Alosio. (5) СЅГ5 
Archie Kao and friends. (6) Jackass star Johnny 
Knoxville with comedians Sarah Silverman, 
Jimmy Kimmel and Jeffrey Ross. (7) The Life 
Aquatic's Bud Cort with some very pretty 
Painted Ladies. (8) Adrian Grenier of HBO's 
Entourage with Stacy Burke and Elizabeth Din- 
dial. (9) John Heffron, therwinner of NBC's 
Last Comic Standing. (10) Blink-182 drummer 
Travis Barker with his fiancée, Playmate 
Shanna Moakler. (11) A pro- 

vocative line of Painted Ladies. 

(12) Director Michael Bay and 

Dylan McDermott. (13) Jaime 

Pressly and James Wilder. (14) 

Paris Hilton, Jack Osbourne 

and Bijou Phillips. 


ith a 
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а г 


GOOGLE МЕ 
I'm not sure if Larry Page and Sergey 
Brin of Google are incredibly shal- 
low on philosophical issues, incipient 
geek fascists or just greedy (Playboy 
Interview, September). But I am sure 
your interviewer left the room dizzy 
from the spin. After years of tracking 
Google at my site, Google-Watch.org, 
I'm amazed by the company's ar- 
rogance on privacy and every other 
sodal issue. Google is not doing any- 
thing magical, and other engines, 
such as Yahoo, produce better results. 
Daniel Brandt 
San Antonio, Texas 


It's reassuring to know that at least 
two moguls have more on their mind 
than their next billion. 

Margaret Sigman 
Eustis, Florida 


The solution to many of the prob- 
lems facing search engines is to involve 
human editors to make choices about 
what would be shown in response to a 
query. But the major engines have fol- 


The Google guys—good or evil? Or both? 


lowed Google’s lead in assuming that 
all things can be solved through auto- 
mation and algorithms. I think Page 
and Brin have an honest desire to do 
the right thing. But people have 
learned not to trust corporations. 
Danny Sullivan 
SearchEngineWatch.com 
Shrewton, U.K. 


Contrary to Brin’s claim, Xenu.net 
did not “sort of fold” after the Church 
of Scientology served Google with a 
specious trademark-infringement com- 


Pac 


plaint. 1 declined to file a response be- 
cause to do so would subject me to the 
jurisdiction of U.S. courts. As a Euro- 
pean citizen operating a European site, 
1 saw no reason to do that. 
Andreas Heldal-Lund 
Tananger, Norway 


a 


How can these two be smart enough 
to make billions but dumb enough to 
wear sneakers with suits? Your fashion 
editor must have been aghast. 

Frank Peters 

Los Angeles, California 


TERRELL SPOUTS OFF 
1 was surprised by Terrell Owens's 
insinuation that his former teammate 
Jeff Garcia is gay (200, September). 1 
was also confused, because Jeff goes to 
bed with the Playmate of the Year (me) 
every night. I can assure you he's not 
рау. My concern now is being support- 
ive of Jeff through football. Maybe 
football should be Terrell's focus as 
well. All I read about is how he's the 
missing link who will help the Eagles 
win the Super Bowl. Let's see it! Play- 
ing championship football should be 
Terrell's focus, because rumor has it 
he's not too good at other things. 
Carmella DeCesare 
Cleveland, Ohio 


Owens is the last guy who should be 
hinting that someone is gay. He's 
single, flamboyant and obsessed with 
his body, and he parades around in 
Lycra. He also did the gayest thing I've 
ever seen on a football field when he 
shook pom-poms after scoring a touch- 
down in 2002. When he says "If it was 
a guy who was helping us win ball 
games, I'd have no problem with it,” 
he sounds like the bigots of the 1960s 
who were antiblack except for certain 
entertainers they happened to like. 

Jim Buzinski 
Outsports.com 
Los Angeles, California 


Owens comparing gay men to ver- 
min is a reflection of bigotry and prej- 
udice that has serious consequences 
for millions of gay Americans. When 
football is no longer viewed as hetero- 
only, we'll all be the better for it. 

Rita Addessa 

Pennsylvania Lesbian 

and Gay Task Force 
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania 


If it looks like an idiot and acts like 
an idiot, by golly, it is an idiot. 
Craig Austin 
Vallejo, California 


y b 


WINNING FORMS 
Congratulations on your beautiful 
pictorial The Olympians (September). 
As an athlete and a feminist, I appre- 
ciate women's bodies when they are 
shown off for the right reasons. 
Elizabeth Erlich 
Owings Mills, Maryland 


ОУ 


Amy Acuff finished fourth in the high jump. 


It was refreshing to see hard-bodied, 
nonaugmented women in a men's 
magazine for a change. 

Grant Thomas Michaels 
Kapolei, Hawaii 


Why didn’t you include any Hispan- 
ics, Asians or Africans? The Olympic 
rings represent the five continent 

Lawrence Ellis 
Fridley, Minnesota 

We extended invitations to athletes of all 

nationalities. Our only criterion is beauty. 


THE DIGITAL VOTE 

Dan Baum's article Machine Politics 
(September) zeroed in on problems 
with electronic voting machines. Last 
year I prepared a report with three 
other researchers that was critical of 
Diebold's AccuVote machines. After 
its release I volunteered to become 
a Super Tuesday election judge for 
Baltimore County, which uses the 
machines. With few exceptions voters 
raved about their ease of use. The 
lightest moment came when a voter 
asked, “What do I do if it says it’s ге- 
booting?” Everyone fell silent until the 
voter laughed and said, “Just kidding.” 

1 can see why people take offense at 


21 


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PPP oru US eom 
inest pu ты ае зр алш 
тену Sena. 


the notion that the machines are inse- 
cure. But I spotted weaknesses that we 
hadn't considered, such as the fact that 
all the results were loaded into a single 
machine at the end of the day, making 
it easier for a hacker to focus his cf- 
forts. I continue to believe the current 
crop of machines is a threat to our 
democracy. A few companies are now 
in a position to control U.S. elections. 
Results can be changed without any- 
one's knowledge, and meaningful re- 
counts are impossible. We have great 
people working in the trenches, but 
the c-voting tidal wave has had a hyp- 
notic effect. You can read more about 
our research and my experience at 
avirubin.com/vote. 

Avi Rubin 

Information Security Institute 

Johns Hopkins University 

Baltimore, Maryland 


Only in America could badly writen 
software tottering on an unreliable op- 
erating system (anybody happy about 
finding our democracy at the mercy of 
Microsoft Windows?) administered by 
legions of poorly trained septuagenar- 
ians for a populace still trying to mas- 
ter its VCRs be touted as a succes 

David Allen 
Blackboxvoting.com 
High Point, North Carolina 


Local communities need to demand 
that electronic voting systems be au- 
dited as part of every election, not just. 


Lida An 
Miami-Dade Election 
Reform Coalition 

Miami, Florida 


RED: OUR NEW FAVORITE COLOR 
Playmate Scarlett Keegan (Septem- 
ber) is the type of woman who steals a 
man’s heart with a glance. 
Rocky Harris 
Menard, Illinois 


Like Scarlett, I have freckles. I’ve 
always been teased about them. Now 1 
see how sexy they can be. 

Candy Born 
"Toledo, Ohio 


OUTLAW HUMOR 

Abbie Hoffman and Jerry Rubin? 
Heathers, Election and Wag the Dog? 
Your rogue's gallery of outlaw humor 
(You're Killing Me!, September) is all 
over the map. It too often confuses 
comic with crude, which is now as 
common as in-law jokes were before 
Mort Sahl broke down the comedy- 
club doors with his political humor. 
Too many entries are simply hip (eg. 
Redd Foxx, Roseanne Barr, Larry 


David, The Simpsons, Andy Kaufman, 
George Carlin, Cheech & Chong), and 
others offer only attitude (Eddie Mur- 
phy, Hunter S. Thompson), As the 
author of a book on the rebel comedi- 
ans of the 1950s and 1960s (Seriously 
Funny), 1 can say with some authority 
that the list excludes many cutting- 
edge wits, including Godfrey Cam- 
bridge, Bob and Ray, and Harvey 
Kurtzman, who before creating Little 
Annie Fanny co-founded Mad. 

Gerald Nachman 


San Francisco, California 


How about cartoonist Ted Rall? 
Antonio Guerra Burgos 


Hollywood, Florida 


No Smothers Brothers? Their acer- 
bic wit and criticism of the Vietnam 
war led CBS to cancel their show. 

John Rosin 


San Francisco, California 


Mad #4, with art by outlaw Kurtzman. 


You include Will & Grace but not 
Married... With Children? 
Greg Kessler 
Columbus, Ohio 


PIGSKIN PREDICTIONS 
1 can't believe you omitted West Vir- 

ginia from the top 20 (Pigskin Preview, 
September). The team has 49 leter- 
men, 17 returning starters, a poten- 
tially exceptional quarterback and a 
reasonable road schedule. 

Peter Cook 

Cary, North Carolina 


SKINTIGHT 

Your Painted Ladies pictorial (Sep- 
tember) took the boredom right out of 
watching paint dry. 
avin MacKay 
Victoria, British Columbia 


E-mail: DEARPBEPLAYBOY.COM Or write: 730 FIFTH AVENUE, NEW YORK, NEW YORK 10019 


P 964 ЫСЫҚ 


www.appletonrumus.com 


te Lija oath ot DETER SELLERS 


charlize „ „john _ Stanley emily 
rol ITAGOW with апа WWE 
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SUN Y, DECEMBER 5. 9PM HBO 


DAY, Г AOL Keyword: HBO (2904 Heme Вох Oe, с ace mah d Home Box lla Кє. 


Sheffield 


This revved-up starlet takes it all 
with a shot of adrenaline 


"The word relax is not in actress- 

hostess Tamie Sheffield's vocabu- 
lary. “There is no winding down for 
me,” she says. "I'm scared of routine 
and boredom. | have to be energized, 
entertained and excited.” Tamie’s farm- 
girl roots (Mechanicsburg, Pennsylva- 
nia, anyone?) help her poke fun at the 
L.A. scene in the play Pieces (of Ass). 
"| was going to do a monologue called 
‘Hot Chicks Suck," but the director said 
1 didn't look bitchy enough," she says. 
“l look pretty good. I've been in movies 
such as Intolerable Cruelty and Confi- 


"| can get decked out in 
a Prada gown or stay in 
a hut in Thailand." 


dence, but I'm not one of those L.A. 
chicks who just want to know how 
much you make and what you can do 
for them.” The questions Tamie asks 
celebrities in her regular gig as a host 
of Showtime's The Red Carpet are con- 
siderably more provocative—pushing 
the envelope comes naturally for a girl 
addicted to exotic travel and extreme 
sports like hang gliding, white-water 
rafting and skydiving. “| like going 
outside the box and being the odd- 
ball,” she says. "I'm the type of person 
who can get decked out in a Prada 
gown for a black-tie affair or stay in a 
$6-a-night hut on a beach in Thailand. 
І need a guy who's spontaneous and 
has lots of energy. As James Dean 
said, 'Dream as if you'll live forever, 
and live as if you'll die tomorrow." 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY BRIE CHILDERS. 


25 


[ afterhours 


As a col. 
lege cheerleader, Tamie 
thrilled male spectators with 
her spread-eagled acrobat. 
ics, but her most embarrass- 
ing moment occurred with 
her feet planted firmly on 
the ground. "It was pouring 
rain, and 1 was locking into 
the stands, probably at a hot 
guy—l looked good in a 
cheerleading skirt, and it was 
a great way to meet теп 
Then three football players 
barreled into me. | looked 
like an Oreo cookie. | was 
stuck in two inches of mud.” 


Prior to corralling celebs on 
The Red Carpet. Tamie 
worked as a «arny, daring 
suckers to pop her balloons 
"1 would say this about 
5,000 times а day: ‘Come on, 
folks. One dart, one dollar, 
one hit, one win.” 


“People 
always ask if I'm a TV host ог 
an actress. I'm both. Espe- 
cially when I'm interviewing 
a boring person, That's when 
| act. It’s all improv. I have to 
just smile and say 'God 
you're so interesting." 


i'm 
looking for a thrill seeker. He 
needs to be spontaneous, 
fun and able to keep up with 
me. | need to find the male 
version of me." 


WITTNAUER" IS A REGISTERED TRADEMARK OF WESTFIELD Lic. GO. 62004 WITTNAUER. 


WITTNAUER 


SWISS 


800-431-1863 


Into the Night. 
Wittnauer 


YOU CAN ALSO 


PLAY THE MALE 


WWE’ SUPERSTARS. 


IF YOU'RE INTO THAT 


KIND OF THING. 


Visit www.esrb.org 
for updated rating 
information. 


шшр. р 
PlayStation. d ТІГІ 


jemarks which ae th exclusive property of World Wrestiing 
Я e trademarks of JAKKS Рас, In 


The names ol ай World Wrestling Entertainment televised and lve progra 
Entertainment Ic. © 2004 Word Wresting Entertainment, nc AI Rights 


1те, Mecesses slogans and wrestling moves and all Word Westin Ertartainment logos ar 5 

(AXIS TPacifc, LC. Used under exclusivo license by THOMAKKS Paci LLC. JAKIS 

sed Incem d ues Ca. Ші. Gamespy and the Powered by GameSpy desinam trademarks o 
sr, logos ani copyrights ar prope 0 tr перне owners. “PlayStation” алі u "PS" Family lg mdi 1 

Online play requires internet connection, Network Adaptor (о PlayStation 2) and Memory Card (8MB) (or PlayStaton 2) (sch sold separately). The Online icon is a trademark ol Sony Computer Entertainment America Inc. 


BAD-IDEA HAIKU 


THINGS YOU WON'T FIND IN OUR 
PAGES THIS MONTH 


Not everything deserves to be in pLaveov. Some of the story 
ideas we had to turn down in recent months were so bad 
they drove us to commit haiku. Remember: You didn't hear 
about these from us. 


Naked Women’s Wrestling 
League (nwwl.com) 

Naked girls are good 

For many things. Pile-driving 
Doesn't spring to mind. 


Extreme ironing 
(extremeironing.com) 
Wacky guys pressing 
Dress shirts on a mountain cliff. 
Irony, please die. 


Rasputin's giant penis is on display 
in Russian museum 

Here’s a travel tip 

For anyone headed to 

Moscow: Avoid this. 


Napa chef's secret ingredient: 
shirako (cod sperm) 

Sorry, we forgot 

The name of the restaurant. 
Have fun in Napa! 


Botox approved for halting 
underarm sweat 

Thank you for the tip. 
Sounds like а great story for 
Men's Health—or Details. 


Chessboxing (chessboxing.com) 
First they play some chess. 
Then they box. Then chess. Then box. 
Chess. Box. Get it? No. 


Staring contests 

In bars, hipsters lock 

Eyes. Whoops—we actually 
Wrote about this one. 


Pajama parties are sweeping 
the suburbs 

Wearing pajamas 

At a party? Where do they 
Get these cool ideas? 


afterhours ] 


SNOOZE YOU CAN USE 
20 MINUTES, 14 BUCKS, 40 WINKS 


In white-collar culture, a good snooze is hard to find—on Seinfeld, 
George Costanza built a bed beneath his desk, but few of us are so 
shameless. Thus the need for MetroNaps, a company in midtown 
Manhattan working to perfect brief sleep. In a dark room in the 
Empire State Building, workers doze in mod “nap pods,” fearless of 
discovery by a fuming supervisor—in fact, many are sent for the 
$14, 20-minute rest by their bosses. “We've deconstructed what 
makes a good power nap and incorporated those elements into the 
pod,” explains co-founder Christopher Lindholst. For added effi- 
ciency, customers order lunch beforehand, then wake and feast. Just 
don't try any funny stuff: “We don't allow two people to share а pod 
for any reason," says killjoy Lindholst. "What we're running is a 
place to take a nap." The determined can buy their own pods, but 
the $8,000 price tag may be more stress-inducing than soothing. 


TOP 10 REASONS 
TO CHEER NAKED em 


THE LUSTY LIST THAT RUINED he 
UF CHEERLEADERS’ REP 

When coach Gene Moore's girls wore 

тасу T-shirts at a cheerleading camp, the" ,$ 
University of Florida pitched a fit and i 
fired him. Here's the scandalous text: — ^ 


10. All stunts are pump and go. 
. Players are not the only ones to score. 
, It's never hard to keep it up. 
‚ You get to do the humpty in front of a crowd. 
. You don't have to be on top to get off, 


. Dirty birds are slippery when wet. 

- You will love our girls’ vertical smiles. 
. X-outs open a “hole” new dimension. 
. If you build it, they will come. 

. You get a week off every month. 


[ afterhours 


AX. 


SANTA CLAUS, JESUS, LETHAL 
GIFTS AND THE BLACK DEATH 


FROM OUR MAN IN LONDON, A STEAMING MINCE 
PIE OF MIRTH AND MISERY 


Santa Claus is more popular than Jesus. This is obviously blas- 
phemy, and in the Bible Belt they should start burning Santa 
records. Jesus was a fantastic hippie, a sort of 1960s icon 
way back in the 30s—a guitar-playing, I'm-at-Woodstock, 
hanging-out, switching-olf, tuning-up, blowing-up kind of 
guy. But that’s not Christmas. Christmas isa large guy going 
down an unfeasibly narrow chimncy in an impossible way. 


me. I was a shepherd—the sharp shepherd—and the other 
two kids were dozy shepherds who just looked up at the ceil- 
ing. You look at these Nativity things and half the kids look 
like they're on crack, just seem really out of it. I didn't have 
much to say—just look at the roof, point and then complain 
about burning sheep. I would have liked to have been 
Gabriel—he’s a bit like the Human Torch because of the head 
thing—or maybe Joseph and have a fight with the guy at the 
inn. But Mary's а no-good part. You just sit there. Baby Jee’s 
no good. The three wise men are good, because you can 
fight, you can jostle for position. It's not too bad. 

My family was non-Christian—ostensibly Church of Eng- 
land, but if you're С of E it’s basically like saying you like to 
celebrate the birth of the son of God by watching the telly. 

Christmas was nothing for Jesus. He had one good Christ- 
mas at the beginning, of course, when he got the gold, frank- 
incense and myrrh—three good presents. Not much good 
for a baby, but, you know, the parents were probably happy. 

I was in New Zealand, where they sell actual swords like 
the ones used in The Lord of the Rings. So 1 got my brother 
Bilbo Bagginss sword as a Christmas present. It's lethal. 1 
have to get it ground down, otherwise someone's going to 
do himself damage. But it’s not like you can pop into a 
supermarket and say, “Could you blunt the edges of my 
sword, please?” They don't really have that equipment any- 
more. In the old days they could have done that. 

The worst Christmas in history was 1666, in England. The 
Black Death in London was in 1665, and the Great Fire was 
in 1666. So Christmas 1666 must have been like, “Bloody 
hell, what's going on here? One year everyone's dying and 
then everything burns to the ground.” I suppose the glass-is- 
half-full people would celebrate just being alive. And with so 


Santa Claus never actually worked out that if he just left 
every kid cash, the kids could buy the presents themselves. 
I'm sure the kids would be fine with just cash, though it 
would take some of the magic out of Christmas. 

I always wanted to be in school plays, but I never got 
picked. Then in 1969 there was a flu epidemic, and kids 
were dropping like flies, but I seemed to be of a sturdier 
constitution. So maybe it was just because 1 was alive that 1 
was given a part in the Nativity play put on by the classbelow 


many people dead, there would be a lot of 
job and relationship opportunities. But the 
glass-is-half-empty people are going, "Who 
drank half my glass?" Everyone's thinking, 
What the hell could possibly happen in 
1667? And nothing happened in 1667. 


Comic Eddie Izzard recently released three DVDs 
in the U.S. He also appears in Ocean's Twelve. 


nk of the month 


POP- 
TOP 


POP 


BUBBLY TO 
GO? CAN DO 


Is that a Red 
Bull in your 
pocket? Hell 
no—it's six 
ounces of Sofia 
Mini Blanc de 
Blancs sparkling wine. Champagne 
dreams fill the air when sleigh 
bells ring—be revelry ready with a 
couple of cans of the stuff that 
gives 'em that warm, fizzy feeling. 


WINGWOMEN FOR SALE 

IS SHE REALLY GOING OUT WITH YOU? 
NO, NOT REALLY 

Danielle gets paid to have threesomes—all night 
long and as many as the client wants. A career coun- 
selor by day, the sultry 29-year-old works evenings 
as a WingWoman, part of an elite corps of lady aces 
who help men meet women in bars. "They're not 
dates," says WingWomen founder Shane Forbes of 
his fleet. "They're a dating tool." Forbes got the idea 
when he noticed he was more successful at meeting 
women when he was out with hot female friends. 
“1 go out with a guy and he has total say over which 
girls he talks to," says Danielle, whose WingWomen 
sorties have all snared multiple phone numbers for 
her clients. Sneaky? Absolutely—but not foolproof. 
Once alone with a date he's scored, it's still up to a 
guy to hold his own—or crash and burn. 


VISIT BROCKSAVAGE.COM 


2 
2 
= 
8 


"WAS [ SURPRISED THE PRIME MINISTER 
OFFERED ME THE USE OF HIS LIMO FOR THE 
EVENING? МО. WAS IT A GOOD IDEA TO KEEP 
IT FOR A WEEK IN THE SOUTH OF FRANCE? 


PROBABLY NOT.” 


-BROCK SAVAG IE 


Xx 


GLENFIDDICH BROCK SAVAGE" SAYS 


no 


WHISK 


"MAKE MINE A *FIDDICH.” 


31 


32 


[ afterhours 


SMACKDOWN JESUS 


PIOUS GRAPPLERS BODY-SLAM FOR THE LORD 


Evangelism and ass kicking—together at last. For the true believ- 
ers behind Ultimate Christian Wrestling, when it comes to spread- 
ing the gospel, parables and psalms can't hold a candle to brute 
force. We spoke with Rob Adonis, UCW's 295-pound founder and 
titleholder, and the hooded heel known only as the Prophet. 
PLAYBOY: Docs everyone think you guys are nuts? 

PROPHET: People were surprised —"What, do you hit each other and 
5 30d bless you'?" But in ministry, you change with the times. 
PLAYBOY: What would Jesus think? 

PROPHET: Jesus would be totally on fire for UCW. 

PLAYBOY: What about the whole “turn the other cheek" thing? 
PROPHET: It also says “an eye for an eye.” 

ADONIS: We're storytellers illustrating in the ring the battles people 
face in life. You're always fighting evil—addiction, abuse, promis- 
cuity. You're going to have to body-slam those demons. 

PLAYBOY: Would Jesus have been a good wrestler? 

PROPHET: Jesus was a carpenter, so he was probably pretty buff. If 
Jesus were here now, he'd be the star babyface, the world champ. 


WEATHER THE BIG CHILL IN STYLE 


You need at least two overcoats: a classic navy 
or camel hair to go with your suits, and one with 
more style (say, tweed) and a less after-work feel. 


WINTER WONDER WEAR ean ff Ұ 


When it snowed, Grandpa wor to work 


over his nice shoes. Grandpa wa: 


Cashmere is the king of wools—the warmest and 
lightest you can get. But keep an eye out for the 
next wonder weave: bamboo. Yes, bamboo. 


A Russian fur hat with ear flaps is an ushanka, 
and there's no better lid in Siberian weather. 


Yes, you can wear colored shirts in winter. Be 
bold but basic: a true red, 
a true yellow. Give pastels the season off, 


RADAR LOVE 


NETWORK ENGINEER SHANNON LEA 
KEEPS JUMBOS ALOFT 


PLAYBOY: What does 
your job entail? 


SHANNON: 1 work for 
MCI. | monitor the net- 
work for the Federal Avi- 
ation Administration— 
communication between 
airport towers, airplanes, 
and weather radar. 1 
supervise seven people. 


PLAYBOY: Do you like 
being the boss? 


SHANNON: My person- 
ality is very take-charge. 
The men in the office 
don't like to be bossed around, but in bed guys like it. 
I'm passive when І go out—men can be intimidated 
by strong women, so | let them do their little manly 
duties. But they enjoy a woman taking charge in bed. 


PLAYBOY: What do guys notice about you at work? 


SHANNON; My best features are my breasts, eyes 
and lips, but my breasts get all the attention. Once 1 
had lunch with a co-worker with my blouse unbut- 
toned, and he waited until afterward to tell me. He 
claimed he didn't see anything—but he paid the bill. 
Employee of the Month candidates: Send pictures to veo Photography Depart- 
ment, Attn: Employee of the Month, 680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Ilinois 


60611. Must be at least 18 years oid. Must send photocopies of a driver's icense 
‘and another valid ID (not a credit card), one of which must include a current photo. 


VISIT BROCKSAVAGE.COM 


Е 
3 
H 
= 
3 
2 
Е 
Е 
3 
= 
E 


“DID | COIN THE PHRASE, 
‘DO YOU COME HERE OFTEN?” YES. 
DOES IT WORK? YOU BET— 


AS LONG AS YOURE MEL 


-BROCK SAVAGE 


“MAKE MINE A *FIDDICH." 


GLENFIDDICH 


acto 15 Yeas 


33 


y Ff 3. 
= = oan dal 
ша 56 Ue SIE 
РЖ ШЕ 
146 | Қ А 
I | 19% : Al A 


THE BEST DRIVERS | «е» 
DEMAND THE BEST EQUIPMENT, 
| ON OR OFF THE TRACK. 


When they're off the track, these guys use Gillette Series Ultra Comfort Shave Gel. 
That's because they know it’s made with jojoba oil and other advanced skin care 
ingredients to provide the comfort and protection they need to look, feel and be their best. 


er Gillette 


The Best a Man Can Get^ 


Big Tees 
In 2003 the number of promotional T-shirts produced in the 

United States was 465 million, which is 38 million more than the 
combined populations of the U.S., Canada and Mexico. 


ТІЛЕС Beer Consumption 


Campuses where beer-drinking levels 
are dangerously low, as determined by 
the Princeton Review. FYI: Washing- 
ton & Lee University topped the list of 
suds-soaked schools. 


353. Spelman College 

354. CUNY-Queens College 
355. College of the Ozarks 
356. Wheaton College 

357. Brigham Young University. 


of Pointless Re 


Rex Regis 


15,188 hours 


| Time logged 
on the small 
screen by Live 
With Regis 
and Kelly 
host Regis > 
Philbin, mak- 
ing him the Triumph 
all-time boob- ofthe Wool 
Isa сар Shrek, a New Zealand sheep, 
avoided his annual buzz for 
1 six years, growing a fleece 
Lifelong Learners РОБА 


20% of Texas college students 
О graduate in four years, and 


only 43% graduate in five. 


It took a shearer 20 minutes 
to remove the wool—enough 
to make about 20 men's suits. 


The Money Spot 
$167, 50 Amount paid by a realty trust 


company for a 180-square-foot 


parking space in the Brimmer Street Garage in 
Boston's Beacon Hill neighborhood. The proud 
owners must also pay a monthly condo fee of $168. 


Floor It 


The elevators in Taipei 101, the world's tallest 
building, zoom upward at 38 miles per hour, 
taking passengers from street level to the 89th- 
floor observation deck in 39 seconds. 


IM in Jingle 


Touch Bell 

54% of Amer- 

ican kids in Shock 
grades seven 3,038 Ameri- 
through 12 cans are 
know more of injured 

their friends" each year by 
instant-mes- Christmas tree 
sage screen lights. 4,542 
names than hurt them- 
their friends" selves putting 
home phone up nonelectric 
numbers. decorations. 


35 


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EWS 


| OCEAN’S TWELVE 


Clooney and company are leaving Las Vegas 


If an action-caper flick like Ocean’s Eleven succeeded in 
part because it has a great villain, Ocean’s Twelve, the 
sequel, needs a bad guy who is twice as nasty. Enter Andy 
Garcia, trying to top his role as the suave and cold-blooded 
casino owner who matches wits with George Clooney, 
the hipster who robbed him not only of his fortune but 
also of Julia Roberts. Garcia turns the evil way up in the 
new movie, directed (again) by Steven Soderbergh and 
starring (again) Roberts, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon and Don 
Cheadle as the cool cats who band together to pull off 
heists, this time in Rome, Paris and Amsterdam. “This guy 
| play is a land shark, always moving, always hunting,” 
says Garcia. The actor, who 

has no scenes with sizzling “| 

cast addition Catherine Zeta- | р!ау а land 
Jones but does have one with Shark, always 
the 12th member of Ocean's | 

gang (spoiler alert: It's Rob- moving, always 
erts), says, "It's not rocket sci- hunting. 

ence to know that a sequel to a 

heist movie with a group of entertaining individuals is a 
foolproof situation. Steven Soderbergh is the rare director 
who can stamp his style on a film, and he doesn't do 
things casually.” And what if Soderbergh casually an- 
nounces he wants to do Ocean’s Thirteen? “When he 
calls, you don't have to read the script," says Garcia. "You 
just ask, ‘When do you want to start?" —Stephen Rebello 


g BUZZ 
The Aviator Our call: This biopic could 
(Leonardo DiCaprio, Cate Blanchet send both Marty and Leo soar- 


ню 
from the 1920s through the 1940s, when he romanced movie 
stars, dabbled in espionage and invented a flying boat. The 
drug taking and germ phobias will have to wait for the sequel. 


ing next awards season, unless 
they've turned out another 
long, flashy costume party like 
Gangs of New York. 


Meet the Ipse 
(B rt Di anner, Dustir 

and ) Those of us cie» wondered who would name 
their kid Gay Focker get our answer in this sequel to Meet the 
Parents. Stiller's uptight in-laws (De Niro, Danner) mix it up 
with his laid-back parental units (Hoffman, Streisand). 


Our call: Bad sequels can be 
every bit as awkward and 
messy as meeting your in-laws, 
but watch for Hoffman and 
Streisand to totally fock things 
up—in a good way. 


The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou 

en Wilson, Willem Dafoe) Wes 
шшер сакаш Mara) as а self-obsessed, washed-up 
documentary filmmaker-oceanographer coming to terms with 
his sorry life while sailing the seas with his oddball crew in 
search of the shark that gobbled one of his shipmates. 


Our call: The season's best gift 
for fans of Rushmore and The 
Royal Tenenbaums—quirky, 
smart and touching. Wilson, 
Dafoe and Jeff Goldblum all 
give strong performances. 


Beyond the Sea 

(Kevin Spa orth) Spacey directs Spacey in this 
biomovie about the turbulently talented 1960s singer Bobby 
Darin, who made "Mack the Knife" swing and life difficult for 
his teen-idol wife, Sandra Dee (Bosworth). Expect Sturm und 
Drang as Darin uncovers weird stuff about his childhood. 


Our call: Darin won an Oscar 
nomination in 1963 for his 
supporting role in Captain 
Newman, M.D. Can Spacey do 
as well directing, producing, 
starring and singing in 2004? 


37 


38 


reviews [ dvds 


Damon comes out swinging in round two as Robert Ludlum's memory-challenged 
über-operative Jason Bourne in this spy-vs.-spy popcorn picture that’s old- 
fashioned only in its rudiments. Like The Bourne Identity before it, Supremacy 
includes a kinetic set piece—this time, a harrowing chase through the streets of 
Moscow. But director Paul Greengrass gets more with his handheld cameras, using 


them seemingly in bunches 
and cutting briskly within 
scenes. Rather than disorient 
the viewer, the effect simu- 
lates Bourne's perspective: 
the frenzied desperation of a 
genius assassin running from 
various competing teams of 
killers. Damon, ditching his 
chipmunk charm in favor of a 
leaner, world-weary gravitas, 
makes it work too: He under- 
plays the role, rendering the 
whole preposterous affair 
entirely believable. Extras: 
Eight featurettes, plus de- 
leted scenes and commen- 
tary. уж Greg Fagan 


| [ THE BOURNE SUPREMACY ] 


Matt Damon proves that Bourne has staying power 


CARNIVALE (2003) HBO's oddest hour- 


long drama series yet, Carnivale comes 
across like John Steinbeck via David Lynch. 
Set during the Depression, its simul- 
taneous story arcs are linked through 
two young protagonists: carnival hand 
Nick Stahl, somewhere in the American 
dust bowl, and Clancy Brown, a preach- 
er in California. They both suffer from 
visions, and the 
apocalypse is im- 
minent. It's beau- 
tifully shot, and 
it grows on you. 
Extras: Commen- 
taries and a fea- 
turette. ¥¥/4—G.F 


Ў 
Қ 


SPIDER-MAN 2 (2004) This rare superior 
Sequel spins webs around the original. 
Director Sam Raimi and stars Tobey 
Maguire and Kirsten Dunst return, with 
the wall crawler taking on Doctor Octo- 
pus (Alfred Molina). The villain is better, 
the tone is darker, and there's a satisfying 
spin to Spidey and MJ's sticky romance. 
Extras: Tons—a blooper reel, a pop-up 
trivia track and 
featurettes. The 
pricier gift set in- 
cludes a reprint of 
the comic book on 
which the movie 


is based. УУУУ 
—Robert B. DeSalvo 


COLLATERAL (2004) What do Dustin 
Hoffman, Paul Newman and Cuba Good- 
ing Jr. have in common? They each won 
an Oscar acting opposite Tom Cruise. 
Jamie Foxx might be next. The comic 
turned actor saves director Michael 
Mann's bacon in this big-budget Speed- 
meets-Phone Booth B movie. Foxx's 
self-deluding L.A. taxi driver, Max, 
digs deep to confront impossible evil 
when he is abducted by cold-blooded 
contract killer Vincent (Cruise). The soul- 
searching conversations between assas- 


Naomi Watts is a fearless actress, not only because she faces a demonic dead 
girl in The Ring (2002) and next year's The Ring 2 but because she tackles 
roles that would rattle primmer actresses. Watch Watts play the unstable 
widow who beds the recipient of her dead husband’s heart in 27 Grams (2003) 


sin and hostage are made believable 
thanks to Foxx's brave performance, with 
Cruise—in a silver stubble that matches 
his suit—seeming to enjoy the ride 
Extras: A double- 
disc deal, with be- 
hind-the-scenes 
footage, cast in- 
terviews and a 
commentary track 
by Mann. ¥¥¥ 
—Buzz McClain М! 


А 


HELL'S ANGELS (1930) The silver- 
screen breakthrough of Jean Harlow lifts. 
this historic gem above and beyond the 
rank of curiosity to a must-see. She's a 
bad girl, the sort who eagerly comes be- 
tween two brothers (Ben Lyon and James 
Hall), World War I English flying aces 
who are eventually shot down behind 
German lines and held captive. Ultimately 
directed by producer Howard Hughes, 
Hell's Angels also boasts truly spec- 
taculer dogfight 
Sequences, eye- 
opening pre-code 
grit and the only 
known color foot- 
age of Harlow. Ex- 
tras: Alas, none. 
УУУУ —G.F 


p + 
DODGEBALL: A TRUE UNDERDOG 
STORY (2004) The film's utter dopiness 
wins you over quickly. Yes, Dodgeball is 
ridiculous, and yes, Ben Stiller makes too 
many movies, but 
it works. Extras: 
Commentaries, 
deleted scenes, 
featurettes, a gag 
reel and an al- 
ternate ending 
yy —B.M. 


and you'll see. 
In David Lynch's 
brain-bending 
Mulholland Dr. 
(2001) she gen- 
erates excite- 
ment with Laura 
Harring in a hot 
topless encount- 
er (left). The DVD. 
has no chapter 
Stops, but the 
best part starts 
at 1:40:09. 


look what you 
can get if 
you've been 
good this year. 


[BRAVEI 


These great нет on DVD's of course! All available new. 


vw paramount. com/homeentertainment Vw |: 
Availability subject to change without notice. TM, ® & Copyright © 2004 by Paramount Pictures. All Rights Reserved, E 


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Sung Hi Lee as island girl Muka Laka Miki... 


42 


reviews [ dvds 


[ 2004’S BEST DVD GIFT SETS ] 


Christmas shopping just got easier 


THE ULTIMATE MATRIX COLLECTION: E 
Do you go with the 10-disc Ultimate 
Matrix Collection—which includes the 
trilogy, The Matrix Revisited (2001) and 
The Animatrix (2003), plus five additional 
discs of bonus material—or must you 
have the limited-edition gift set? The latter 
has a far more awesome box, an 80-page 
booklet and a colorful Neo mini-bust. 


THE LORD OF THE RINGS: SPECIAL EXTENDED DVD EDITION THREE- 
PACK: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001), The Two Towers (2002) and the 
. THE BOGART 


new Return of the King (2003), bound in leather, no less. 
Not (1944) and The Treasure of the 
Sierra Madre (1948) make this the box 
to seek out. Throw in The Maltese Falcon 
(1941) and The Big Sleep (1946) and 
you've got a box of Bogie that can't be 
beat.... BLAKE EDWARDS' THE PINK 
PANTHER FILM COLLECTION STAR- 
ence. The set features five films, including The Pink Panther (1964) and A 
Shot in the Dark (1964).... THE CHAPLIN COLLECTION, VOLS. 1 AND 2: 
Charlie Chaplin's genius is showcased in 
these glisteningly remastered discs. They 
contain 11 films, including The Kid (1921), 
The Gold Rush (1925), City Lights (1931), 
Modern Times (1936), The Great Dicta- 
| TAINMENT!: THE COMPLETE COLLEC- 
| TION: The ultimate clip show, That’s 
> Entertainment! (1974) introduced a gen- X 
eration to MGM's movie-musical legacy. The box includes both sequels and a 
Treasures From the Vault disc.... THE MARX BROTHERS SILVER SCREEN 
COLLECTION: The first five Marx Brothers movies, ragged though they may 
be, remain essential cinematic docu- 
(1931), Horse Feathers (1932) and Duck 
Soup (1933) are hilarious.... FILM NOIR 
CLASSIC COLLECTION: The five flicks 
assembled here rank among the best ever 
produced: Murder, My Sweet (1944), Out 
of the Past (1947), Gun Crazy (1949), 
The Set-Up (1949) and The Asphalt Jun- 
DVD. The box includes You Can't Cheat 
an Honest Man (1939), The Bank Dick 
(1940) anc My Little Chickadee (1940), 
among others.... ROCKY 25TH ANNI- 
VERSARY DVD COLLECTION: Laugh all 
you like, but Rocky (1976) knocked down 
10 Oscar nominations, won best picture 


COLLECTION: The special editions of 
5 RING PETER SELLERS: With class, 
tor (1940), Monsieur Verdoux (1947) and 
ments. The Cocoanuts (1929), Animal 
gle (1950). This set sizzles.... W.C. FIELDS COMEDY COLLECTION: This 
and spawned a mini-industry that deliv- 


Casablanca (1942), To Have and Have 

MGM reintroduced an aging franchise this year to an upmarket younger audi- 
Limelight (1952) THAT'S ENTER- 
Crackers (1930), Monkey Business 

five-film set helps correct the funnyman's woeful underrepresentation on 
ered the four sequels in this set. 


THE TERMINAL (2004) Thanks to 


Tom Hanks and an amiable multi- 
cultural cast of concourse denizens, 
director Steven Spielberg nearly pulls 
off this Capra-esque tale of an East- 
ern European traveler stranded in 
New York City's JFK Airport. YY 


: (2004) Isaac Asimov's 
three laws of robotics are here, but 
the rest—including hip-hop cop Will 
Smith and his prejudice against 
supple- -faced CG! robots—has little 
in common with anything Asimov 
wrote, and that’s not good. ¥¥ 


WILD AT HEART (1990) David 
Lynch's violent fever dream about the 
tumultuous romance between Lula 
(Laura Dern) and Sailor (Nicolas Cage) 
debuts on a remastered DVD super- 
vised by the director. Among the extras: 
a documentary and interviews. ҰУҰУ 


(2004) A desperate 
reimagining of the comic-book feline, 
who forgoes Gotham City in favor of a 
garish feature-length R&B video. 
Watch Haile Berry make a case for the 
Academy to revoke her Oscar. ¥ 


DREAM ON: SEASONS ONE & 
TWO (1990-1991) Flashbacks of 
Brian Benben's childhood TV overex- 
posure underscore his dating life. One 
of HBO's first sitcoms, it paved the 
way for Sex and the City. УЗУ 


H S- | 
(2004) Venge- 
ful wizards, mythical fiying creatures. 
Director Alfonso Cuarön adds a sense 
of preteen angst that provides alluring 
dramatic darkness. ¥¥¥ 


DR. STRANGELOVE OR: HOW 1 
LEARNED TO STOP WORRYING 
AND LOVE THE BOMB (1964) 
Stanley Kubrick's ultimate satire of 
Cold War politics celebrates its 40th 
anniversary with this new two-disc 
version. Tons of extras. УУУУ 


(1991-1993) The | 
adventures of batty Chihuahua Ren | 
Höek and "eediot" cat Stimpy were sub- | 
versive even when toned down for TV. 


The uncut versions are better. УУУУ 
Don't miss Worth a look 
Good show Forge 


TENNESSEE MISTLETOE. 


Be good for goodness’ sake. Drink responsibly. 


44 


reviews [ music 


cd of the month 


[ LIL JON * CRUNK JUICE ] 


What? The mouth of the South capitalizes on a year in the spotlight 


It's Lil Jon’s time. Two of the year's 
biggest songs—Usher's “Yeah!” and 
Terror Squad's "Lean Back"—owe their 
success almost entirely to Lil Jon's 
work on them. His protégés the Ying 
Yang Twins, Ciara and Lil Scrappy blew 
up. Dave Chappelle—the year's break- 
out comedian—rode the King of Crunk's 
rising tide with parodies of Jon's signa- 
ture growls of "What?" and “Yeah.” Jon 
was even mashed online trading rhymes 
with Howard Dean after his primary 
meltdown. Not content to sit still, Jon 
is back with the East Side Boyz and 
better than ever on a bouncy new at 
bum of Pastor Troy-inspired shout-and- 
response party anthems. With Ice Cube, 
Snoop and Nas on this CD, Jon even 
unites the East and West Coast schools 
in the cause of taking the dirty South 
(and Atlanta's version of Miami bass) to 


JOHN LENNON + Acoustic 

Given Macca's ubiquity in recent years, it's easy to forget that 
Lennon was considered the genius of the Beatles (though George 
Harrison probably made the best post-Fab Four album). This CD. 
contains 17 performances, seven of which have never before 
been officially released. The tracks are essentially bootlegs—and 
sound like it. But they also showcase Lennon's most impassioned 
guitar playing, whether he's mimicking gutbucket blues or strum- 
ming a heartfelt version of "Dear Yoko." (Capitol) ¥¥¥ —ТМ. 


DENNIS BROWN PRESENTS PRINCE JAMMY * Umoja/ 
20th Century DEBwise 

One of the most fertile scenes in 20th century popular music was 
Kingston, Jamaica in the late 1970s. With the exception of Bob 
Marley's work, the most enduring (and influential) reggae has been 
dub: smoky, mostly instrumental and stripped down to drums 
and bonerattling bass, with strange echo and thick reverb. This 
CD captures a brilliant collaboration between Brown and Jammy 
in King Tubby's studio. (Blood and Fire) УУУ —Leopold Froehlich 


PLAYBOY JAZZ + In a Smooth Groove 

Although often derided for its sameness and sterility, smooth 
jazz remains the most popular form of the music today. This 
two-CD survey covers the past quarter century and shows that 
the genre doesn't have to lack variety or soul. Consider it gate- 
way jazz. Our favorites: saxophonist Gato Barbieri's “Last 
Kiss,” guitarist George Benson's "Breezin'" and peripatetic per- 
cussionist Sheila E.'s contribution, "Heaven," on which she 
beats the drums and sings. (Playboy Jazz) ¥¥¥ LF 


DFA + Compilation #2 

The Strokes, Yeah Yeah Yeahs and Interpol notwithstanding, 
nothing better represents the sound of young New York than 
the production team and label called DFA. Here, for about $22, 
you get two CDs of music straddling the line between angular, 
danceable indie rock (the Rapture and Pixeltan) and experi- 
mental electronica with a punk aesthetic (LCD Soundsystem, 
Black Dice and the Juan Maclean), plus a mix CD for the full-on 
underground clubbing experience. (DFA) vvv —T.M. 


PLAYBOY JAZZ 


reissues and rarities 
[ OLD GOLD ] 


Nothing's worse than taking your Christ- 
mas cash to the record shop to buy 
some Sinatra, Sonics or Fats Domino, 
only to realize you've bought a boxed 
set packed with shoddy live versions 
recorded in 1983. For major artists, you 
can trust Blue Note, Rhino and Legacy. 
But for specialty music, you need labels 
with taste and integrity. You can't go 
wrong with any of these. 

‘ace: Best of all are Ace's incredibly con- 
sistent compilations spanning girl groups, 
jump blues and rockabilly, along with 
showcases of vintage labels such as 
Specialty, King and Vanguard. 

BEAR FAMILY: One of the best sources for 
roots music—from bluegrass to blues to 
а series on early rock, compiled by region. 


BLOOD AND FIRE: The greatest reggae 
label of all time? Every release on Blood 
and Fire is awesome. 

CRIPPLED Dick HOT wax: Specializes in 
lascivious soft-porn and Eurotrash movie 
music, including the soundtrack to 
Schoolgirl Report and the Beat at Cine- 
città and Shake Sauvage series. Impec- 
cably slinky taste and coal cover art. 
Mosaic: The ultimate jazz aficionado la- 
bel. Completists love the Sarah Vaughan 
and Bird sets, but the Grachan Moncur 
Ш is our favorite jazz release. 

REVENANT: The grande dame of reissue 
labels doesn't mess around, as its recent 
nine-CD Albert Ауег set shows. 

RPM: You can rely on RPM for obscure 
garage rock, R&B and easy beat. Not 
to be missed: the fabulous girl-group 
sounds of the Dream Babes series. 

SOUL Jazz: This imprint compiles priceless 
sides from Jamaica's Studio One, mines 
Miami and New Orleans for Southern 
funk and offers copacetic dance-floor 
fillers in its Dynamite! series. 

SUNDAZEO: A fantastic selection of surf, 
soul and—its specialty—1960s garage 
rock and psych pop. 

TROJAN: An amazing catalog, as shown 
in its new This Is Reggae Music: The 
Golden Era 1960-1975. The three-CD 
boxed sets (Trojan Dub, Trojan Ska, 
Trojan Roots, et al.) are a godsend for 
less than $20. 


THERE'S | 

NO MILLIC IN 
ITEMS OR _ 
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discover new music quickly, safely and legally. A Napster | 
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(napster. 


46 


reviews | 


games 


four characters—Templar, Rico, 
Luger and Hahka—with different 
special abilities. Single-player as- 
signments such as seizing turrets, 
assaulting APCs and dropping para- 
troopers pale against online ops, 
which support up to 16 trigger- 
men per game. Still, amazing arti- 
ficial intelligence and exceptional 
production values (for example, 
grainy camera filters and gripping 
story sequences) make Killzone 
an explosive engagement online or 
off. And while the format is some- 
what derivative, the presentation 
remains solid enough to pistol- 
whip even pacifists into compli- 
ance. See you on the front lines, 
soldier. УУУХ —Scott Steinberg 


[ KILLZONE ] 


Wars are never bey but this futuristic Ehen is grittier than most 


Urban engagements among burned-out buildings, savaged shopping malls and 
splintered streets are the order of the day in Killzone (SCEA, PS2). Your mission: 
Prevent planet Vecta from falling into a separatist faction's hands. Screams, curses 
and shots accompany the action when you sprint through the trenches as one of 


The Lord of the Rings: The Battle for 
Middle-earth (Electronic Arts, PC) If 
you bemoaned the fellowship's hapless. 
strategies throughout the Lord of the 
Rings movies, it's time to prove your 
Middle-earth mettle. The Battle for Mid- 
dle-earth lets you command all the key 
battles from the books, plus you can 
take charge of the ugly side and crush 
elves like so many 
bugs under a 
balrog. It's War- 
craft in Elvish, 
and deep nerd- 
dom has never № 
been so cool. ¥¥¥ 

—Joel Johnson 


Ratchet & Clank: Up Your Arsenal 
(SCEA, PS2) Fans of gadgets, gizmos 
and grade-school humor, rejoice. Ratch- 
et and Clank are back and armed with 
even more ways to make things go 
boom. The single-player mode rocks 
as usual, while split-screen and online 
multiplayer options allow for ground- 
breaking combat scenarios fueled by 
bizarro weapons 
(sheepanators, 
for example) and 
hard-core vehicular 
mayhem. Serious 
fun for the profes- 
sional prankster. 
УУУХ SS. 


Prince of Persia: Warrior Within 
(Ubisoft, GameCube, PS2, Xbox) Darker 
in tone and aimed at a more mature audi- 
ence than last year's Sands of Time, this. 
superior sequel adds an improved fight- 
ing system and an arsenal of bloody 
finishing moves to the acrobatic puzzle- 
solving that set the original apart. The 
ability to time-travel distinguishes this 
game—changes 
you make in the 
past impact the 
future, exponen- 
tially increasing 
the replay value. 
A must. ¥¥¥¥ 

—John Gaudiosi 


GoldenEye: Rogue Agent (Electronic 
Arts, GameCube, PS2, Xbox) The world 
of James Bond is fantastic, but the man 
himself is such a prude. You, on the other 
hand, were fired by Her Majesty's Secret 
Service for “reckless brutality” and have 
teamed with Auric Goldfinger to seek 
revenge on Dr. No, using an implanted 
(and weaponized) golden eye. With solid 
controls, an orig- 
inal story, your 
favorite Bond vil- > 
lains and great 
multiplayer op- 
tions, it's a glori- 
ously amoral joy. 
УУУУ J.G. 


8 


[ GAMER GIFTS ] 


Bring yourself one step closer to 
gaming nirvana this holiday season 
with these killer accessories 


Car freaks can 
Û finally cut the 
cord thanks to 
Intec's Wire- 


and Xbox, $70, 

inteclink.com). 

Vibration feedback 

and a responsive 

2.4-gigahertz wire- 

less connection let 

you feel every bump, 

while analog pedals provide realistic 
acceleration and braking control. 


Get intense rumbles deliv- 
ered directly to your ears / 
courtesy of these е 
Skullcrt - 
phones ($90, skull 
candy.com). They're 
the first to feature 
built-in vibrating 
subwoofer speakers 
and work with any 
audio input source. 


Nyko continues the fight against 
sweaty palms with its Air Flo Wire- 

less (PS2 and Xbox, $40, nyko.com), а 
wireless version of its beloved fan-cooled 
controller. PC gamers can opt for the Air 
Flo Mouse ($15) to keep them cool. 


The ergonomically designed 
300 Sound Lounger (all consoles, $150, 
pyramat.com) sports built-in speak- 
ers and a vibrating subwoofer in the 
backrest so that laid-back players can 
hear—and feel—every 
gunshot and scream. 
—Marc Saltzman 


WHERE AND HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 204 


reviews [ books 


THE ENCYCLOPEDIA OF CHICAGO 

J. Grossman, A. Keating and J. Reiff 

America's thirdHargest city was home to the 
Lager Beer Riots and the Black Sox. Here is 
a truly formidable document: 1,152 pages 
of tragedy, comedy and 
farce. Beginning with 
abolitionism and ending 
with Zenith Radio Corpo- 
ration, it's perfect for the 
history buff with an appre- 
ciation for human frailty. 
(University of Chicago) 


[ SANTA WORE BLACK | 


Retro paperbacks for bad boys who love bad girls 


Until the 1960s, mystery lovers got their thrills 
from cheap paperback crime novels popularly 
known as pulp fiction. The books are back, 
complete with world-weary detectives and con 
men. The Hard Case Crime series includes 
lost masterpieces such as Lawrence Block's 
Grifter's Game and new novels written in the 


H Fadeto 
BLONDE 


48 


same style as the hard-boiled classics. They put 
to shame the work of modern mystery writers 
whose plots rely on cell phones and terrorists. 
(Hard Case Crime) ¥¥¥¥. 


—Patty Lambert; WEE 


AUTOMOBILES OF THE CHROME AGE 
Michael Furman 

Postwar cars had a va-va-voom quality; 
their colors and styles reflected the opti- 
mistic mood of the era. 
К< easy to see how such 
autos played a part in 
creating suburbia, mass 
consumption and (in their 
generous backseats) 
many an SUV-driving 
baby boomer. (Abrams) 


wy —Jessica Riddle m 


LOST ANGELES + Paul Jasmin 
Photographer Bruce Weber says it best in 
the introduction to this collection of photos 
of Los Angeles desperadoes: Paul Jasmin's 
images are "like a modern version of Nathan- 
ael West's Day of the Locust." Jasmin 
captures both extremes of L.A.—the down- 
and-out, who smoke cig- 
arettes in motels, and 
the beautiful, who lounge 
around mansions. These 
photos remind us that no 
one is more romantic, 
or more hopeful, than the 
people who live there. 
(Edition 7L) ¥¥¥ —PL 


DIRTY FOUND #1 + Jason Bitner 

Dumpster diving reaches new lows in this 
book featuring racy Polaroids, perverted 
illustrations and dirty notes. Each missive 
was sent to Found (а zine specializing in 
found objects) by fans, Although a few 
entries don’t pack much 
raunch, readers will get 
а voyeuristic rush. Our 
favorite item? An anti- 
masturbation contract 
signed by “Tony” and dis- 
covered in a Kiss record 
sleeve. (Found Maga- 


Zine) ¥¥¥¥ —Alison Prato Е a | 


GRAFFITI WORLD Nicholas Ganz 

Graffiti is now a worldwide art form, 
with its own techniques, influences and 
museum shows. After giving a brief history 
(delinquent cavemen tagged their walls 
by blowing colored 
powder through hollow 
bones), the author de- 
votes the majority of 
the book to surveying 
the work of ground- 
breaking artists from 
five continents. (Abrams) 
УУУ —Emily Little 


УУУУ —Leopold Froehlich ГЕ ЕЕ 


CHEF'S SECRETS = Francine Maroukian 
In this cookbook, which has fewer recipes 
than tips, culinary masters dish out some 
covert tricks of the trade. Paul Wade 
offers a shock-therapy method to achieve 
sand-free clams, Sara Moulton breaks 
down how to dredge crabs through flour, 
and Bradford Thompson cracks the 
mystery of how to boil a 
lobster correctly. But 
some how-tos, such as 
the proper way to filet 
an eel, are probably 
better left to the sushi 
chef than to the gour- 
met lothario. (Quirk) wy $ 
—J. Jaroneczyk Hawthorne iii 


THE ENCYCLOPEDIA OF GUILTY 
PLEASURES * Sam Stall, Lou Harry 
and Julia Spalding 

This Abba-to-Zima compendium contains 
1,001 entries on the cultural icons we hate 
to admit we love, such as TV shows like ALF, 
as-seen-on-TV Ginsu knives and Bioré pore 
strips. Interesting tidbits 
will make you the life of 
any party: There are be- 
tween 6 million and 14 
million ferrets in the U.S., 
and Betty Rubble didn't 
become a Flintstones vit- 
amin until the mid-1990s. 
(Quirk) yyy% —PL. 


THE PHOTOBOOK: A HISTORY 

Martin Parr and Gerry Badger 

The history of photography cannot be 
told through single prints. Bound collec- 
tions unify a photographer's vision. Parr 
and Badger have 
come up with a fine 
concept: a book 
based on books of 
photographs. The 
images herein are 
striking, but the de- 
sign of the book is 
even better. (Phai- 
don) ww — —LF 


You pour Tequila Don Julio when: 


A) Your best buddy is getting married. 


B) Your best buddy is getting divorced. 


With Tequila Don Julio”, you're always right. All those years of testing and you've finally 
hit upon the one true answer — Mexico's finest ultra-premium tequila. Further proof that just 


because the restless fire of youth still burns, doesn’t mean your tequila has to. Salud! 


ж 
TISSOT 


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MANTRACK 


HEY, IT'S PERSONAL 


High Thai 


Posh new hotel meets pristine jungle beach on Thailand's island of Phuket, with a 


wild nightlife district a cab ride away 


DUSK IN THAILAND. You stroll through the sliding glass doors 
of your 2,000-plus-square-foot villa and ponder a dive into 
your private pool (pictured above). Down a slope dotted with 
lush palm trees, the last rays of sunlight are bouncing off the 
tropical Andaman Sea, where you spent the day lounging in 
the shallows, partaking in some unbelievable snorkeling. In the 
suite's king-size teak bed, your sun-bronzed paramour lies 
clutching a Black Cat (a brand of local whiskey), awaiting your 
next move. The night is long, the possibilities endless. 

If you're looking for a romantic getaway, Trisara, a resort that 
opened in October on the Thai island of Phuket, is redefining 
the art of style and service for the international pleasure seeker. 


Just 15 minutes from Phuket's airport, on the island’s wealthy 
northwest coast, the resort has 33 poolside villas and 12 larger, 
more secluded villas with up to four bedrooms apiece. It's all 
tucked into a beachfront jungle with more than 150,000 plants 
Cultivated by an on-site botanist, who will gladly take you on a 
tour if you ask. There's a spa, diving and yacht facilities, golf 
Course access and a Euro-Thai restaurant. It's a veg-out kind of 
place, but if you get the urge, Phuket has it all (and we mean 
everything), from surprisingly sophisticated restaurants such as 
Watermark and Ka Jok See to Patong Beach, a red-light district 
on the sea. Poolside villas at Trisara start at $675 a night, the 
private villas at $1,100; book at trisara.com. 


nnd 
шынын Word Pla 
-—— Know your Thai slang 


ete gai: chicken. Slang; a loose woman. 

You monitor lizard! Slang: You asshole! 

ен: You rhinoceros! Slang: You bitch! 

Chak wao: to fly a kite. Slang: to masturbate. 

Sa moke: to smoke. Slang: to suck cock. 

Farang dawng: pickled Westerner. Slang: white boy. 
Khaw khaeng cang: You have a copper throat. 
Slang: You can drink a lot. 

Nagfaa jamh laeng: angels in disguise. Slang: trans- 
vestites (who can be hard to spot, so beware). 


Season’s Greetings 


IF YOU DON'T hit Thailand this winter for 
the Phuket King’s Cup Regatta, Southeast 
Asia's premier sailing event (December 4 
to 11), or the New Year's Eve bash in 
Bangkok (we're not sure about the date 
on this one, but we'll get back to you), go 
for the Ayutthaya World Heritage Site Cel- 
ebration (December 13 to 22, right). This 
trippy event pays homage to the ancient 
temples of Siam. Think Apocalypse Now 
with all the partying, minus the air strikes. 


Rampaging Bull 
PLAYBOY hits the California coast in the most powerful Lamborgh 


ever built 


PAMPLONA HAS ITS RUNNING of the bulls, and every year America does too, only ours is less publicized—for good reason. The 
US. event involves Lamborghinis (the bull being the Lambo mascot), the owners of which gather to road-trip. hitting ridiculous 
speeds on public highways while deftly avoiding the radar gun. We could think of no better venue to test-drive the spanking-new 
Murcielago Roadster (pictured)—the most powerful, most expensive automobile ever 
to roll out of Lamborghini's Italian factory. 

Nearly 50 Lamborghinis of all models and vintages gathered for the start in Santa 
Monica, and the moment we hit the highway, the Roadster's 580-horsepower V12 was 
scaring the bean sprouts out of California's Escort drivers. The car is basically a Mur- 
cielago Coupe refitted as a convertible, with the same six-speed manual transmission and 
the same mojo (O to 60 in 3.9 seconds). The most notable difference is that approaching 
200 miles an hour without a roofis like being duct-taped to the nose cone of the space 
shuttle at launch. Ina good way. As we hammered the throttle, the car hugged the tarmac 
through every undulation, taking everything we could give it and roaring appreciatively. 
By the time we arrived in Monterey the next day, we were completely spent and dying 
for a smoke. It's a $330,000 proposition, but this one is worth every lira 


FOR THE PRICE of these 
Wavac SH-833 Monoblock 
Amplifiers you could pur- 
chase not only the Lambor- 
ghini above but a garage to 
keep it in. What do you get for 
your $350,000? A capacitor- 
free signal path and trans- 
former coupled with a fre- 
quency range of 20 Hz to 100 
kHz. According to Wavac's 
Jim Ricketts, "they haven't yet 
developed a system that mea- 
sures this purity of sound.” 
Except of course your ears. 
Order at tmhaudio.com. 


FEET ARE LIKE PETS. THEY'RE HAPPIEST 
WHEN THEY'RE GOING SOMEWHERE. 


The Bugabootoo” Boot: Waterproof leather upper + Thermolite” insulation warm to -25°F 
Rustproof hardware - Thermoshield™ frost resistant insole - Heavy-duty lugged tread 
For a dealer near you, call 1-800-MA-BOY LE or visit columbia.com 


“Where the feet are willing to go the body will follow.” 
= - Chairman Gert Boyle 


% Columbia 


Sportswear Companys 


за MANTRACK 


d r i nik NENNEN 5 


SINGLE-MALT SCOTCHES have ап advantage over 
all other liquors that their fans love to exploit: Dis- 
tillers put out special bottlings all the time, so the act 
of nipping and sipping becomes a never-ending 
intellectual exploration. Our picks from this year's 
gems, from left, all available in a good liquor store 
near you: The Balvenie Vintage Cask 1973 is a High- 
land malt that’s complex enough for connoisseurs 
but fruity and smooth enough for the novice. 

It's an all-around winner. Only three 1973 
casks were chosen, thus the $399 price 

tag. The Stillman's Dram from the Dal- 
more ($140) is like a perfect date—rich. 
30 years old and elegant. yet willing to 
go all nicht. Ardbeg Uigeadail ($70) is 
a treasure for Islay malt fans. You get 
all the sea smoke that makes this is- 
land whiskey a cult favorite, plus a 
fruity bonus—the Ti-year-old scotch 

did a little time in sherry casks. 
Macallan broke with 180 years of 
tradition to make its 15-year-old '& 
Fine Oak ($65). aging it for a time 

in American bourbon barrels 
(Macallan had always used sher- 

гу casks exclusively). The result ME 

is a lighter, more subtle whis- 
key—great for daytime drinking 


Clothesline: Peter Gallagher 


PETER GALLAGHER PLAYS a laid-back 
Californian on The O.C, but he’s no 
slacker when it comes to dressing 
up in real life. “| tend to wear 
suits often because | grew up 
on the East Coast." he says. 
"I've collected а lot of the 
suits I've worn in my films, 
like the tailored ones made 
for me on The Idolmaker, the 
plaid tuxedo | wore when 1 
took Cher out in The Player 
and the red-label Hugo Boss 
suit Гуе been wearing on The 
ОС" Given Gallagher's style, 
it's no surprise that one of 
his role models is Cary Grant. 
“| met him decades ago. 
When 1 looked at him I reals 
ized why God invented the 
navy blue suit. Cary carried it off 
so well.“ And when Gallagher's 
not wearing a suit? “I'm most hap- 
py in my old Banana Republic T-shirt 
and Hurley jeans that are so baggy 
they almost fall off my ass.” 


Think Again: the Coffee Table 


YOUR LIFE IS an ever-unfolding puzzle, and sometimes your 
furniture is too. Or should be. After 20 years as a graphic 
designer, Douglas Homer decided he wanted to "see what furni- 
ture was all about." Two years later we have the Thumb Puzzle 
coffee table ($4,000), whose sliding tiles let you reconfigure its 
pattern and gain access to the storage areas inside, And while it 
might look like a museum piece, it's no cream puff: The tough 
acrylic Shinkolite tiles are virtually indestructible (not to men- 
tion fingerprint resistant), and they sit in a Corian frame ona 
stainless steel base. Try your hand at sliding the tiles around on 
Homer's website (douglashomercom), and while you're there 
check out his other interactive pieces, a psychedelic cabinet 
and a chair that needs a haircut 


> 


WHERE AND HOWTO BUY DN PAGE 204 


The Macallan 18-year-old Single Malt 


anı 


WHY YOUR SON AND HEIR 
THINKS OF HIMSELF | 
AS MORE HEIR THAN SON. ) 
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РДАК 
| 50 YEARS 


1 ¿CARTOONS 


This glorious collection contains more then 400 hilarious cartoons by luminaries Including 
Buck Brown, Jack Cole, Eldon Dedini, Jules Feiffer, Shel Silverstein, Doug Sneyd and Gahan 


Wilson. Handpicked from the Playboy archives by Hugh M. Hefner himself, these cheeky takes 
оп the sexuel revolution, relationships, politics and more comprise an uproarious chronicle of 
PLAYBOY's lighter side! Hardcover. 9" x 12". 368 pages. 

VH9197 Payboy—50 Years: The Cartoons $50 


As Hef likes to say, "My life is an open book. With illustrations." So tco is this stylish volume 
in which, for the first time ever, PLAYBOY 's legendary founder provides advice and personal 
‘observations for men of allages. Matching resonant photographs from his private archive with 
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and dreams—this essential hendbook also offers true lore about Mansion life from the man 
who's seen and done it alll Hardcover with a custom slipcover case. 5" x 7". 192 pages. 


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Mhe Playboy Advisor 


How can 1 persuade my wife to have a 
threesome? And if I do, how should 1 
arrange it?—B.F, Atlanta, Georgia 
Your timing is perfect. Last month we 
printed a few of the hundreds of e-mails we 
received after asking readers about their 
real-life threesomes (see playboyadvisor.com). 
Here's what we gleaned: (1) Don't beg. You 
don't want your wife to do this as a favor, 
because that breeds resentment. It should 
come up as part of a discussion about fan- 
tasies. If she's curious about being with 
another woman, or being explored by four 
hands and two mouths, or sharing you with 
someone else, encourage her. If she isn’t, 
back off. You тау have planted a seed that 
needs time to grow. Or il may not be in the 
cards. As Hef notes in his Little Black Book, 
“IPs foolish to squander the tomorrows that 
exist in a relationship for a momentary 
adventure. It’s not a smart way to live your 
life.” (2) Don't bring this up unless you have 
а strong relationship. Threesomes have been 
knoum to cause serious damage. That's why 
it's crucial, if your wife agrees to it, to estab- 
lish ground rules. Can you kiss the other 
woman? Can you have intercourse with her? 
Does your wife want to have sex with the 
other woman? Will you use a condom? How 
about а dental dam? It isn't prudent to 
negotiate during the encounter. Regardless, 
your wife should command your full atten- 
tion, particularly during the first experience. 
(3) Many three-ways develop naturally when 
а guy finds himself alone with two horny, 
intoxicated women (the women must kiss be- 
fore anything else happens). Play it cool. If 
the women feel like they're part of your per- 
sonal porn movie (^ Yeah, baby!”), you'll kill 
the mood. Make the experience бт their 
pleasure and you'll be rewarded twofold. 
One reader pointed out, “You have to be in 
the right place at the right time with the right 
women.” (4) If your wife wants to experi- 
ment, there are two kinds of women you can 
approach: familiar and strange. For the for- 
mer, your wife should invite an open-minded 
friend for dinner and drinks. Once everyone 
is cozy, either (a) invite the friend to your 
bedroom straight-out (“We both find you 
attractive and wonder if you'd like to stay”) 
or (b) bring up the topic more casually by 
recalling past adventures, how men and 
women have different approaches to sex, why 
are turned on by women hissing, etc. 
wife will need to make the first move, 
usually by massaging her friend's shoulders 
or otherwise getting touchy-feely. There is a 
risk that the friend will react badly. She also 
brings her own fantasies and emotions to the 
encounter. So it may be better to recruit a 
stranger, preferably an escort, who doesn’t 
expect anything but an envelope of cash on 
the dresser (never discuss the money—you're 
paying for her time; the sex happens because 
she likes you). You should budget $500 or 
more an hour. Some couples compromise by 


making fast friends in the swinger community, 
which has no shortage of bisexual women. 
Many swingers play only as couples, so make 
it clear you're looking only for а third. Is a 
threesome as great as you imagine? The men 
who wrote us s thought so. “The best part was 
watching the women get dressed together in 
the morning,” said one. "You wish every guy 
friend you've ever had was there to see it." 


Can you explain the meaning of some 
hand gestures that seem popular among 
young people? A few are similar to those 
from my own youth but apparently have 
new meanings. One involves the upward 
pointing of the index finger and pinkie. 
In the past it meant bullshit, but a local 
weatherman signs off with it every day, 
and Гуе also seen it used during televised 
rock concerts. Another gesture I don't get 
is the thumb and pinkie extended at a 
right angle. Finally, I always took the V 
sign to mean victory, peace or vagina. 
Today, people kiss two closed fingers ог 
pound their heart with a fist before giv- 
ing the sign. The V is then pointed up or 
sideways. I interpret this to mean “kiss- 
ing tight vaginas gives me heartburn.” 
Am I close? —E.P,, Great Falls, Virginia 
Stay out of the hood. The changing mean- 
ing of hand gestures is one reason we stick 
with what we know: the raised middle finger. 
More accurately, it is a raised middle finger 
Just below the dash, so as nol to be fired on. 
The V sign originated in the 1940s with a 
Belgian activist as а symbol of victory over 
the Nazis. Hippies later adopted it as a sign 
of peace. Palm inward, it means "up yours.” 
The chest-pound V translates as “peace out,” 
a.ka. shalom, According to Nancy Armstrong 
and Melissa Wagner, authors of the Field 
Guide to Gestures, the thumb-pinkie “hang 


ILLUSTRATION BY ISTVAN BANYAI 


loose” sign was brought to Hawaii by Span- 
ish colonists and meant “Let's drink.” (It 
still means that, when done vertically.) His- 
torians believe “the horns," a gesture at least 
2,500 years old, may represent a bull, an an- 
imal that is typically castrated. It is made at 
men whose wives are cheating. If the fingers 
are pointed away instead of up, it becomes 
protection from the evil eye. Ronnie James 
Dio of Black Sabbath is credited with popu- 
larizing the horns among metal fans after 
learning it from his Italian grandmother. 
But rather than pointing out, he pointed up. 
Rock on, cuckolds. 


Fa like to try my hand at Internet gam- 
bling but am afraid of getting ripped off. 
Any advice?—R.M., Seattle, Washington 

With more than 1,400 casinos to choose 
from, you're going to encounter a few bad 
cherries—especially since you have little re- 
course if you get ripped off (whether it’s even 
legal to gamble online is a gray area). Be- 
cause word spreads rapidly online, the Net 
provides a relatively easy way to identify du- 
bious operators. Visit the discussion boards 
at winneronline.com and bet2gamble.com, 
where players share their best and worst 
experiences. Crushing the Internet Casinos, 
by Barry Meadow (available at lvago.com), 
can also shorten your learning curve. While 
it's devoted mostly to the strategy of playing 
for deposit bonuses, the $50 report includes 
tips on how to minimize losses to fraud. For 
example, Meadow says he gets suspicious if 
over time, a virtual blackjack dealer winds 
up with 20 or better more than one time in 
four. Stick with casinos that use reputable 
software, such as that by Microgaming, Boss 
Media, Cryptologic or Playtech. The fore- 
most challenge of gambling online is collect- 
ing your winnings. "It's better to have 20 
casinos owing you $500 each than one casi- 
no owing you $10,000,” says Meadow, who 
uses a database to track his plays. 


I can't get over the fact that my girl- 
friend has had more lovers than I have. 
She is my first lover and is five years 
younger than 1 am. When I ask her for 
details, she refuses to say anything. That 
fuels my paranoia. 1 wish she would just 
tell me how far she went with the three 
guys I know about. If that would ease 
my mind, shouldn't she tell me every- 
thing?—].C., Chicago, Illinois 

Your inexperience shows here, because un- 
less you're recruiting virgins for sacrifice, the 
number of notches on a woman's bedpost has 
nothing to do with the future or strength of 
her current relationship. Someday your girl- 
friend may provide her history, but she’s a 
smart woman who recognizes that you're 
already judging her. We're often asked, 
usually by men, “How mi is too many 
before I should get upset?” and find the 
question frustrating and ridiculous. (A few 


59 


ITS LATE ENOUGH 
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variations are below, with our responses.) 
We've never had any desire to know more 
than а woman volunteers; she's not а used 
car. We find it more useful to quiz a partner 
about the best and worst behavior of her exes 
so we can refine our moves. We don't have 
an easy solution to rid you of this insecurity. 
We suspect that as you mature and get more 
experience it will be less of an issue. You are 
worthy of being with this woman, and she 
wants to be with you. Don't let the saps she 
left behind sabotage what you have. 


In the beginning of our relationship, my 
wife readily told me stories of her sexual 
past. I felt obligated to share my own 
experiences. It made me feel good to be 
honest with the woman I love. But my 
wife now says she made up most of her 
stories. Г have asked for the truth, but 
she says it’s попе of my business. I 
believe she made it my business by lis- 
tening to my confessions. What do you 
think?—M.M., Franklin, Minnesota 
What else has she lied about? 


lam a 27-year-old woman who has slept 
with 35 men. About a third were one- 
night stands, and five lasted more than a 
year. The problem is that guys flip out 
when they hear my total. What gives? I 
bave started to hold back in bed so as not 
to seem too experienced. I can't under- 
stand why a guy would be villing to 
trade better sex for the idea that his girl- 
ure," especially since I always 
practice safe sex and get tested for SE Ds 
every six months. What should I say 
when a man asks me how many partners 
I've had?—M.]., Cleveland, Ohio 
We would ignore such a question, because 
it’s tacky. We love experienced women, and ше 
love to provide experience to those lacking. If 
a guy insists on knowing how many men 
you've leen with, he isn’t going to appreciate 
what you have to offer: 


The surveys I've «сеп about how many 
partners people have had in their life- 
time never break it down by age. That is, 
a 24-year-old who has had 10 lovers is 
vastly different from a 50-year-old with 
10. I have a female friend who estimates 
that most guys in their mid-20s have 
slept with 80 to 90 women. That seems 
high. I'm 36 and have been with 65 
women. Is that above average? I had a 
25-year-old girlfriend who had slept 
with 75 guys —N.E, Austin, Texas 

Those numbers are robust. In one study of 
3,126 adults, about 10 percent of the 
respondents reported having had at least 21 
lovers since age 18. That held true regard- 
less of age, with the exception of 18- to 24- 
year-olds, who just need more time. The 
median was six partners for men and two for 
women, meaning that half the respondents 
had more and half had less. At the extreme, 
one man claimed 1,016 partners, and one 
woman said she'd been with 1,009. (What's 
more amazing—their promiscuity or that 
they were both so precise?) In 194 


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surveyed 100,000 readers and asked them to 
tally their lovers. The median for men was 
16; the median for women was eight. Which 
goes to show that reading PLAYBOY gets you 
laid more often—at least it did in the 1970s. 


Further education on tipping (August): 
You should have reminded your readers 
that the federal government allows em- 
ployers to pay tipped employees a wage of 
just $2.13 an hour. So 15 percent is the 
least you should leave unless you're talk- 
ing to the manager about your miserable 
experience. If you don't feel the need to 
tip, eat at a buffet.—A.R., Atlanta, Georgia 

You should tip at a buffet. The staff is 
cleaning up after you. The feds and most 
states require employers to make up the dif- 
ference if a tipped employee doesn’t earn at 
least $5.15 an hour including tips, although 
that’s still hardly enough. 


Tip well or you may get something unex- 
pected in your food the next time.—R.O., 
Ludington, Michigan 

A few servers who wrote made this threat, 
which we found to be unprofessional. 


Ive worked as a bartender for 15 years. If 
you get a drink at the bar, leave a dollar. 
If it’s two drinks, leave $2. And don't pick 
up your small change. It amazes me when 
a drink is $5.20 and the person waits 
for his or her change and then retrieves 
a quarter. Are you that broke? —E.M., 
Centreville, Virginia 

We follow the ald standby at the bar, which 
is to leave 15 to 20 percent of the tab. 


My friends and I conducted an experi- 
ment with our girlfriends and wives. 
Whenever we requested oral sex, we 
used the term “blow party” instead of 
“blow job.” What woman wouldn't rather 
go to a party than a job? We found that, 
as a group, we were 35 percent more 
likely to get action when using “blow 
party.” What do you think?—G.L, Hunt- 
ington Beach, Californi: 

The revolution starts now. Just don't talk 
about your blow parties near any cops. 


How does a person make a citizen's ar- 
res?—H.N., Washington, D.C. 

Hubby asking for anal sex again? It’s le- 
gal now. You can make а citizen's arrest in 
every state and D.C. if you suspect that a 
felony has taken place. A few states, notably 
California, allow citizen's arrests for misde- 
meanors if you witness the infraction. That's 
in part why the LAPD processes more than 
6,000 citizen’s arrests annually, while D.C. 
seldom has one. Rarely is il necessary to de- 
tain someone, which can be risky and lead to 
a lawsuit if you don't have your facts 
straight. Instead, the typical arrest involves 
calling the police, giving a statement and 
signing a complaint. The police must agree 
that a crime has taken place, which is why 
arresting a politician for voting to invade 
Iraq or a police officer for speeding usually 
won't get you far. (Earlier this year at San 


Francisco City Hall a citizen attempted to 
arrest a volunteer conducting gay civil 
unions but couldn't find а cop who would 
help.) Police say they appreciate citizens get- 
ting involved but find that some get a little 
too involved. For example, a motorist т Wis- 
consin last year pulled a gun and hand- 
cuffed another driver for playing his music 
too loud and squealing his tires. In Oklahoma 
in May, a homeowner chased a 19-year-old he 
saw throwing bottles from a pickup, set up a 
roadblock, ran the truck off the road, broke 
a window to grab the kid, applied cuffs and 
called police. Once in a while you read about 
the real deal, such as the Norfolk, Virginia 
mechanic who last year witnessed a hit-and- 
run that killed a teenage boy. He chased and 
detained the driver, 


A woman wrote in August because her 
husband wanted the two of them to per- 
form fellatio on another man. Years ago 
my wife and I were using a dildo when 
she told me to lick and kiss it. When she 
saw how much it turned me on, she 
bought a strap-on. We did 69s, and now 
she sometimes demands that I fall to my 
knees and service her. She also gives mean 
ass pounding two or three times a month. 
1 imagine these two letters will open a lot 
of eyes.—R.S., Lewisburg, Pennsylvania 
You bet. One couple with experience in 
this scenario, M. and B. in Chicago, wrote to 
say that our suggestion that the reader use a 
dildo to fulfill her husband's fantasy missed 
the mark. In their view, he found the idea of 
giving а blow job exciting simply because it 
involved his wife having sex with another guy. 
“He wants to share the pleasure she feels,” they 
wrote, “and also feel the other man’s pleasure 
as his wife sucks him. His wife, not the guy, is 
the focus of his desire. If he just wanted to 
suck a cock or recetve anal sex, he could do 
that without her.” Which is a good point. 


1 don't like my husband going to strip 
clubs because of the way he treats me af- 
terward. He says every man either has to 
watch dancers or cheat on his wife, Oth- 
erwise he becomes “a shell of himself.” 
What do you think?—R.R., Colorado 
Springs, Colorado 

Your husband sounds like a single guy liv- 
ing in a married man’s body. There's nothing 
wrong with a guy visiting a strip club but 
only if it doesn't cause a rift in the relation- 
ship. When it does, he continues at his peril. 
Your husband is in a sad place indeed if he. 
feels empty without strippers in his life. 


All reasonable questions—from fashion, food 
and drink, stereo and sports cars to dating 
dilemmas, taste and etiquette—will be per- 
sonally answered if the writer includes a self- 
addressed, stamped envelope. The mast 
interesting, pertinent questions will be pre- 
sented on these pages each month. Write the 
Playboy Advisor, 730 Fifth Avenue, New 
York, New York 10019, or send e-mail by 
visiting our website at playboyadvisor.com. 


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THE PLAYBOY FORUM 
BOOK ’EM 


SINCE SEPTEMBER 11, IT’S BEEN EASIER FOR THE FEDS 
TO FIND OUT WHAT YOU'RE READING 


BY PATRICIA SCHROEDER 


'e all know instinc- 
tively that what we 
read is nobody's 


damn business but our 
own—and it's certainly not 
the governments. The 
freedom to read what we 
choose and to choose what 
we read with no one look- 
ing over our shoulder is 
bound up with the free- 
dom to think indepen- 
dently and critically. You 
cannot undermine one 
without crippling the other, 
and you cannot have a free 
society and a functioning 
democracy without both. 

"The major task facing 
this country since 9/11 has 
been to prevent acts of ter- 
ror. This reality at times 
collides with the need to 
protect our freedoms. No- 
where has this tension 
been morc cvident than in 
efforts to rein in the ex- 
cesses of the USA Patriot 
Act, particularly provisions 
that give the FBI virtual 
carte blanche to poke into the reading habits of Ameri- 
cans. Under Section 215 of the act, the ЕВ] can seize “any 
tangible thing,” induding “business records,” that it claims 
is relevant to an investigation, without having to show 
probable cause or demonstrate that the individual whose 
records are sought might be involved in criminal activity 
or might be an agent of a foreign power. The FBI simply 
needs to get an order from a secret court—virtually а 
rubber-stamp process. The act's definition of "business 
records" includes public library circulation and Internet 
use records, as well as those of purchases by bookstore 
patrons. There is no opportunity for an adversarial hear- 
ing. There is no appeal. And it is forbidden to disclose that 
records have been seized. 

The Patriot Act was rammed through Congress six 
weeks after the 9/11 attacks. In the three years since, we 
have learned that before the yote few members of Con- 
gress had read the bill, much less given thought to its pro- 
Visions and implications. Many of the sweeping new 
powers granted under the Patriot Act had long been on 
the wish lists of the FBI and other law enforcement agen- 
cies, Sneak-and-peek searches and roving wiretaps were 
on these lists, as was the ability to examine records of what 
books an individual might have purchased or borrowed 


or lists of individuals who 
might have purchased or 
borrowed a particular 
book. While the govern- 
ment has always had the 
right to obtain these rec- 
ords if it met a standard 
of judicial re i 
215 of the Patri 
inates this check on the 
government's power. 
“Libraries and the FBI 
have a chilling history,” 
former public librar 
Mary Minow reminded 
her colleagues in an article 
in Library Journal. Book- 
stores do too. The online 
newsletter CounterPunch 
reported on a 1984 run-in 
between bookseller Arline 
Johnson and the FBI: 
According to Johnson, a 
week after the Naval Insti- 
tute Press shipped three 
copies of The Hunt for Red 
October by first-time novel- 
1 ist and virtual unknown 
Tom Clancy, the FBI 
— showed up at her store in 
Bloomsburg, Pennsylvania, asking where the books were 
and who had purchased them. 

‘Traditionally, librarians and booksellers have protected 
their patrons’ privacy. That spirit of resistance has con- 
tinued in the wake of the Patriot Act’s passage. Ага 
national teleconference convened in December 2002 by 
a host of regional library associations, librarians from all 
over the country agreed that the fewer records main- 
tained, the less information the government can sce. Some 
booksellers are also reported to be purging computer files. 

Still, the most important weapon in the fight to restore 
privacy safeguards for library and bookstore records has 
been public awareness. Initially, the alarm was raised bya 
few lonely voices—publishers, librarians, booksellers, 
authors—with little hope that such concerns would be 
heard as the nation struggled to recover, physically and 
psychologically, from 9/11. But the message got out, and 
it resonated with individuals and groups across the coun- 
try. Members of Congress began hearing from con- 
stituents. Op-ed pieces and editorials began appearing 
in newspapers. 

Remarkably, the concern crossed party lines. When 
legislation was introduced in the House to exempt 
libraries and bookstores from the provisions of the Patriot 


Act and return to the earlier, more 
stringent judicial safeguards when the 
government seeks these records, liberal 
Democrats joined libertarian Republi- 
cans in signing on as co-sponsors. Sim- 
ilar legislation emerged in the Senate, 
with similar support. Groups repre- 
senting booksellers, librarians, authors 
and publishers launched a petition 
drive, the Campaign for Reader Pri- 
vacy, with the objective of obtaining a 
million signatures. The groundswell 
had its effect. As the Bush administra- 
tion sought to justify the most extreme 
provisions of the Patriot Act and con- 
vince Congress it should grant even 
broader powers under a proposed 
Patriot Act II, Attorney General John 
Ashcroft grew more strident in his 
attacks on critics. In September 2003 
he accused the American Library 
Association of generating “baseless hys 
teria,” claiming that Section 215 had 
never been used to seek records 

According to government documents 
released in June under a Freedom of 
Information Act request, the Depart- 
ment of Justice did invoke Section 215 
less than a month later. Even more 
damning, an FBI report to Congress 
released in July acknowledged that the 
provision had also been used to obtain 
information about people who are not 
suspected terrorists. 

"That same month, with the original 
bill locked up in the House Judiciary 
Committee, Vermont representative 
Bernie Sanders suggested a Freedom to 
Read Amendment to a Justice Depart- 
ment appropriations bill that would 
deny funding for Section 215 searches 
of libraries and bookstores. The 
amendment had broad bipartisan sup- 
port and a clear majority of votes— 
until the Republican leadership, facing 
the preemptive threat of a veto from 
the White House, held the vote open 
for 23 extra minutes so it could arm- 
twist party members back into line. The 
amendment went down to defeat with 
a tie vote of 210 to 210. 

Some of the most questionable pro- 
visions of the Patriot Act are due to 
expire next year. Since September 11, 
2001, Americans appreciate the need 
for accurate intelligence and height- 
ened security to prevent acts of terror. 
But we also understand that unless we 
protect ourselves without sacrificing 
civil liberties, any “security” we achieve 
will be meaningless. Every person in 
this country who cherishes the right to. 
read freely must now make his or her 
voice heard, demanding that the safe- 
guards on our privacy and our fice- 
dom to read be restored. 


LUST IN 


TRANSLATION 


SHANGHAI'S KARAOKE GIRLS SING FOR SAFE SEX 


hese days nearly every type of 
[ business in China is big. Name 
one— phones, cigarettes, cars, 
petrochemicals, almost anything —and 
the country's share of it is likely to rank 
in the top five worldwide. The sex 
industry is no different. And like so 
much else in the Chinese economy, it 
was hardly a business at all before 
China started experimenting with free 
markets, beginning in 1978. While in 
other spheres China often copies the 
business models of the outside world, 
its sex trade is uniquely Chinese. 
There are an estimated 2.8 million sex 
workers in China. For the most part, 
they are spared the brutality and 
stigma that accompany the trade else- 
where. Sex workers also play such an 
important role in the country’s eco- 
nomic development that until recently 
they were assured an easy pass—and 
sometimes even support—from goy- 
ernment authorities. That may be 
changing as a result of the one mod- 
ern innovation the Chinese have been 
slow to adopt: safe sex. 
Modern China is a country on the 
move. More than 100 million people 
have left farms and dead-end towns to 


find a better life in factories and bigger 
cities, and hundreds of millions more 
are expected to follow them over the 
course of the decade. The reason is 


By Ted C. Fishman 


poverty: In China's rural regions, 
annual incomes are about $400, and 
China's booming factories can be a 
ticket out of crushing poverty. But 
China isa workers’ state no more, and 
bosses can require 100-hour work- 
weeks, pay only a few dollars a day and 
force workers to risk life and limb. 
Victor Yuan, a Harvard-trained poll- 
ster who runs Beijing's Horizon Group, 
a consultancy and research firm, led an 
exhaustive study of China's sex indus- 
try last year as part of a multinational 
effort to understand the source of the 
country’s AIDS problem. “Many girls,” 
says Yuan, "do not sce a factory job as 
a way to advance. The wages are low, 
and they have expenses to meet when 
they work away from home. If they 
work three or four years in a factory, 
their life and prospects really have not 
improved at all.” In many of China's 
factories, there is a real chance their 
lives will get worse. Official Chinese 
statistics, which tend to be on the rosy 
side, claim that 387,000 workers died 
of occupational illness in 2002. More 
than 350 employees die in workplace 
accidents every day. Every year 40,000 
workers lose hands or fingers. Against 
this backdrop is another urban lifestyle: 
the glamour of Beijing and, even more 
so, Shanghai. Last year Shanghai's 
population officially topped 20 million 


with the addition of 3.8 million migrants, 
Twenty years ago there were virtually no 
foreigners in Shanghai; now there are about 
half a million. The average income there is 
$10,000—10 times the national average— 
but the average hardly conveys the ostenta- 
tion of a city paced by millions who are well 
above average. A boom in luxury cars. high 
rises, restaurants, shops and cell phones 
makes Shanghai one of the world’s most 
vibrant playgrounds. 

One group that has arrived in droves can 
be found in the city’s karaoke clubs. Chinese 
karaoke clubs are to those in Lost in Transla- 
tion what the Great Wall is to a backyard 
fence. Shanghai's clubs are the size of Las 
Vegas casinos; hundreds of rooms are outfit- 
ted with plasma screens and state-of-the-art 
sound systems. The biggest clubs can have 
more than 1,000 women around. They look 
great; they sing, sit close, flatter and jibe. In 
Yuan's survey, the young women almost 
always come from outside the area in which 
they work. They can make eight to 10 times 
what they might at a factory. The women 
themselves decide how much to offer clients. 
Some just sing. Some are touchy-feely. Some 
join the ride home and romp. Still others 
move in with a client, often one of the hun- 
dreds of thousands of expatriate Asian men 
(most from Taiwan). Ultimately, the game 
plan for the women is to return to their 
hometown, open their own business, support 


FORUM 


their parents and, with money, find a better 
husband. “No one asks what they did while 
away,” Yuan says. “It doesn’t matter.” 

"rhe sex industry is one of the few robust 
conduits of money to China’s impoverished 
areas. No official estimates exist, but judging 
from patterns in other countries the amounts 
may extend into billions of dollars. Is the 
Chinese sex industry victimless? Hardly. It's 
a big country with plenty of unpoliced bru- 
tality. And one local trend adds danger: Men 
in China strongly prefer unsheathed sex. It 
is no surprise that sexually transmitted dis- 
eases are a big problem. Recent estimates put 
the number of hepatitis B carriers at 120 mil- 
lion and HIV-positive Chinese at close to 1 
million. Yet until this year government 
authorities were nearly silent and prevention 
campaigns nonexistent. 


here is hope. In May the central govern- 

ment announced newly aggressive pro- 
grams requiring local governments to 
monitor and treat the spread of HIV. It may 
be no coincidence that these disease-preven- 
tion programs come ata time when China is 
increasingly worried about the disparity of 
income between prosperous eastern cities and 
the rest of the country. Life in many Chinese 
workplaces can be far too disposable. Thank 
goodness, then, that China's sex workers— 
a group that in other countries is often 
regarded as expendable—are gaining value 


(1) Institute instant runoff voting. Our first-past- 
the-post system has produced a duopoly of 
political power. Any third-party candidate 15 
labeled a spoiler. In an instant runoff system, 
voters can rank candidates, naming a second or 
third choice. If one candidate receives a majority, 
the counting is over. However, if there is no ma- 
jority, the candidate with the fewest first choices 
is eliminated. Those ballots are recounted for the 
voters’ = choice. This process continues 
until a т: ner can be declared. 

(2) create mul multimember districts. In the 435 
House elections of 2002, only four incumbents 
lost. In state legislative races, only one major 
party places a candidate on 

the ballot in about four out of 

10 contests. Multimember 

districts would assure minori- 

ties the chance to elect some- 

one of their choice. Such a 

system—known as cumula- 

tive voting—was used in Illi- 

nois from 1870 to 1980. 

(3) Finance campaigns pub- 

licly. Our political campaigns 

are considered the costliest in 


the world, yet among the world's democracies 
we rank near the bottom in voter participation. 
Maine and Arizona, with true public financing in 
State elections, have seen increases in voter par- 
ticipation and competition. 
(4) Open the debates. Replace the misnamed 
Commission on Presidential Debates with an apo- 
litical body. Participation in the debates would 
be a condition precedent to the receipt of public 
financing and would be determined by a national 
poll. A candidate would have to be chosen by half 
the respondents to be included in the debates. 
(5) Abolish the Electoral College. It is unfair to 
independents, third parties and millions of 
voters in battleground states 
because of its winner-takes- 
all approach, even if the vic- 
tory occurs by the narrowest 
of margins. Until abolish- 
ment, states could apportion 
their electoral votes by the 
percentage of the vote each 
candidate receives. 


Anderson ran for president 
in 1980 as an independent. 


MARGINALIA 


FROM A PLEDGE 

SHEET by Fuck the 

Vote (fthevote.com), a 

project devoted to the belief 

that "even the most deeply rooted 
right-wing ideologue can be manipu- 
lated by sex": “1, the undersigned, 
acknowledge that in exchange for 
physical affection (defined as any con- 
tact between consenting adults that 
entails one, several or alll of the follow- 
ing: intercourse, fellatio, cunnilingus, 
anilingus, manual genital stimulation, 
use of marital aids or other devices 
which cause arousal, as well as any 
other activity that leads to sexual grati- 
fication, which by no means implies 
the necessity of orgasm) from the 
co-signee, 1 will cast my vote for any 
candidate other than George W. Bush.” 


FROM A REPORT by Herbert Fried- 

man titled “Sex and Psychological 

Operations," posted at psywarrior.com. 

It describes historical efforts to distract 

enemy troops by dropping pornographic 

leaflets, such as this fake Life cover, 

behind the lines. 

(the back has 

an image of a 

skull in a GI 

helmet): “Did 

they work? 

Hardly. In- 

stead, they 

became col- 

lector's items 

that, if any- 

thing, boost- 

ed morale, 

Опе professor 

notes that, during World War 

Il, ‘the troops kept the pornography 

and despised the Japanese as queer 

little people for having sent it.‘ Did the 

U.S. create sex leaflets? Officially, they 

have always been forbidden. However, 

their clandestine use is documented in 

Office of Strategic Services files that 

came to auction in the 1970s. A sec- 

tion called ‘Sex Leaflets’ in a report 

covering July 15, 1944 to May 15, 

1945 states that 79,000 were pro- 

duced, with 16,000 sent to Algeria, 
1,500 to Brindisi, 500 

to northern Italy, 3,600 to France and 

13,500 for special missions.” 


FROM A REPORT in Mother Jones: 
“In 2002 Redding Medical Center in 
northern California reported $92 mil- 
lion in pretax income. Its similarly. 
sized neighbor, Mercy Medical Center, 
brought in $4 million. There wasn’t an 
$88 million cifference in the services 
they offered. Fraud by two surgeons 
was part of it, but the hospital was also 
using a complex billing category known 
as ‘outlier payments.’ Intending to 
support the care of particularly sick 
patients, Medicare essentially allowed 
hospitals with very high patient costs— 
which were determined by whatever 
amounts the hospital chose to put in 
its bills—to charge the government 
higher fees. To qualify for more outlier 
payments, the hospital's owner, Tenet 
Healthcare Corporation, hiked prices. 
By 2002 the company was earning 
{continued on page 71) 


READER RESPONSE 


WHO'S IN CHARGE HERE? 

Despite what Arthur Schlesinger Jr. 
says in his September essay, "Who Rules 
America?" George Bush did not make 
“the fatal turn to a preventive-war pol- 
icy all by himself.” According to polls at 
the time, more than 75 percent of Amer- 
icans supported going to war with Iraq. 

Andrew Fox 
Massillon, Ohio 


I am pro-choice and pro-marijuana 
but voted for George W. despite your 
efforts to demonize him. Schlesinger 
took his shot by quoting Abe Lincoln: 


2 si 5 
More history by mistoke than by design. 


“Allow the president to invade a neigh- 
boring nation whenever he shall deem it 
necessary to repel an invasion and you 
allow him to make war at pleasure.” 
That’s ironic, given that Lincoln called 
up troops to invade his own country and 
then broke almost every rule of war to 
win. If he hadn't done that, the Confed- 
eracy would have been victorious and, 
as Hank Williams Jr. sings, "If the South 
woulda won, we'da had it made!” 
Brandon Gabbard 
Shelter Island, New York 


Who rules America? Short answer: the 
pharmaceutical industry. 

Donald Bondank 

Shawnee, Kansas 


While I agree with Schlesinger’s con= 
tention that a single man can change his- 
tory, using Bush's decision to invade 
Iraq is not the best example. Other fac- 
tors such as the conseryative tilt of the 
U.S. and the rise of Islamic fundamen- 
talism made this decision likely regard- 
less of Bush's involvement. The power 
elite has been working toward this deci 
sion for the past decade, Even if Al Gore 
had been elected, there is a strong pos- 


bility that some form of invasion would 
have taken place. 

Gopi Mattel 

Half Moon Bay, California 


TEXAS PRISONS BAN PLAYBOY 
Once again the Texas Department of 
Criminal Injustice has imposed a policy 
that erodes prisoner rights. It plans to 
search letters sent to law enforcement 
officials, including those who investigate 
prisoner abuse, in cases “where there 
have been known problems.” Prisoners 
can also no longer receive nude photos 
from lovers or subscribe to publications 
that print nudes, including PLAYBOY. 

They say it contributes to deviancy. 
Von Michael Short 

Huntsville, Texas 


BIG BROTHER IN SMALL PLACES 
In June you rai A-to-Z guide to the 
many uses of radio-frequency IDs. While 
1 was watching the news about yet 
another kidnapping in Iraq, it struck me 
that these chips would be useful to track 
down hostages. Every foreigner in Iraq 
should be required to have an RFID 
chip implanted for his or her own safety. 
Bob Smith 

Cleveland, Ohio 

The attorney general of Mexico had the 
same idea. He claims he has an RFID 
implanted in his arm and that 160 of his 
employees have also been chipped. This gives 
them access to a high-level database and also 
ostensibly discourages kidnappers. But а pri- 
vacy activist pointed out in the Christian 
Science Monitor that the chips work only 
when read by RFID scanners. “This isn't a 
device where you push a button and a light 
comes up on a board showing where you are,” 
she says. Plus, kidnappers can use another 
device to extract the chip: “It’s called a knife.” 


ASHCROFT'S SECRET WEAPON 

Neal Pollack labels U.S. Attorney. 
Mary Beth Buchanan as "Ashcroft's 
Enforcer" (September). My organiza- 
tion, the Pittsburgh Bill of Rights 
Defense Campaign, along with the 
ACLU, went toe-to-toe with Buchanan 
during a campaign to persuade the city 
council to pass a resolution opposing 
portions of the Patriot Act. After the res- 
olution passed, Buchanan claimed it 
made us “all less safe and secure." Yet 
the year before, she said these types of 
resolutions "do not stop law enforce- 
ment from doing what they need to do 
to protect the public." Why the flip-flop? 
Many believe she changed her view in 


service to her bess, John Ashcroft, What 
does that say about our justice system? 
Buchanan has said that the council 

bowed to a vocal minority. Yet other 
than the police officials brought in by 
Buchanan, each of the 150 people rec- 
ognized at the meeting spoke for the res- 
olution. In Pittsburgh and nearly 350 
other communities, citizens have spoken 
up for their rights. It's time for our lead- 
ers to follow the people. 

Dean Gerber 

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania 


Аза lawyer who primarily practices 
criminal defense, I feel compelled to 
respond to your attack on Mary Beth 
Buchanan. I don't agree with all her 
beliefs or the necessity of some of her 
prosecutions, but I have always found 
her to be fair, professional and accessi- 
ble. 1 don’t perceive her office to have 
adopted a “take-no-prisoners attitude 
toward sentencing.” Instead 1 find her 
willing to be as reasonable as one can be 
under federal guidelines. The drafters 
of the laws have caused the problems. 
While one may not agree with the neces- 
sity of the law criminalizing head shops. 
it exists. Imposing financial sanctions 
might be a more appropriate resolution, 
but the guidelines usually require impris- 
onment. Defense lawyers regularly decry 
the use of anonymous sources by the 
government to further its cause. It is no 


Mary Beth Buchanan—were we fair? 


more appropriate for you to use state- 
ments from unnamed individuals to 
disparage Buchanan 
Charles Porter 
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania 


E-mail: forum@playboy.com. Or write: 730 
Fifth Avenue, New York, New York 10019. 


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FORUM 


NEWSFRONT 


Hands Up, Finger Out 


MINNETONKA, MINNESOTA—The day may 
soon arrive when police ask not for your 
ID but for your index finger. The biomet- 
rics firm Identix markets to law enforce- 
ment a wireless device that scans a 
person's fingertip and beams the print to 
a database to look for a match. Known 
as IBIS, the $4,000 handheld can also 
snap a mug shot. Identix says the tech- 
nology improves safety and saves offi- 
cers time by positively identifying people 
they stop. Over a four-month period last 
year, police in Ontario, California used 
their 65 devices to collect 3,000 prints. 
The computer found 700 matches, re- 
sulting in 170 arrests. Police in Hen- 
nepin County, Minnesota (70 devices) 
and Portland, Oregon (29) are other early 
adopters. Identix's line of products in- 
cludes handprint scanners and inkless 
fingerprint consoles for police stations. 


Who's Your Daddy? 


Los ANGELES—In 1996 L.A. County told Manuel 
Navarro that a woman had identified him as 
the father of her newborn twins. A judge or- 
dered him to pay $247 a month in support. 
Five years later, when a DNA test showed that 
Navarro was not the father, he asked a court to 
set aside the judgment. Because such appeals 
must be filed within six months, the county ar- 
gued that Navarro still had to pay. An appeals. 
court ruled otherwise. Undeterred, county offi- 
cials have asked the state supreme court to 
“de-publish” the decision so it can't be used as 
precedent in similar cases. They have reason to 
be concerned. In its most recent annual survey 
of accredited DNA centers, the American Asso- 
ciation of Blood Banks found that 29 percent of 
340,798 men tested were not the fathers. 


Hanging Verdict 

ROCHESTER, NEW YORK—Daniel Critchlow enjoyed 
making himself light-headed with a system of 
ropes and weights while masturbating. One day 
his mechanisms failed, and he hanged himself. 
When his mother attempted to collect on a life 
insurance policy, the insurer said it didn’t pay 
for self-inflicted injuries. A federal court ruled 
against the company, concluding that because 
Critchlow had masturbated this way for years 
(his father caught him at it in the 1980s), he 
had expected to reach orgasm unscathed. 


Grate Expectations 


EAST HAVEN, CONNECTICUT—Mayor Joe Maturo is а 
handy guy, so when he saw that a storm grate 
had fallen into a sewer, he stepped down to 


retrieve it. “It took three minutes,” he said. The 
municipal workers’ union filed a grievance, say- 
ing its contract requires that four workers—a 
laborer, dispatcher, driver and foreman—be 
called in for the job at four overtime hours each. 


A Man and His Wives 

SALT LAKE crry—Three Mormons who hope to live 
together as husband, wife and wife sued in fed- 
eral court after being refused a marriage li- 
cense. The threesome cited a 2003 Supreme 
Court ruling that over- 
turned the last state 
bans on private sexual 
behavior. Utah says the 
ruling doesn't apply to 
marriage and countered 
with an 1878 Supreme 
Court decision that up- 
held the polygamy con- 
viction of Brigham Young's personal secretary. 


Careful What You Say 


LEBANON, PENNSYLVANIA — When Keith Emerich 
went to the emergency room with a heart mur- 
mur, a doctor asked whether he drank. He an- 
swered honestly, saying he had six to 12 beers 
a day. The physician checked a box on a form 
and, soon after, the DMV revoked Emerich's 
driver's license. Pennsylvania requires doctors 
to report patients with alcohol or drug habits 
that might impair their driving. If they don't, 
and there's an accident, the doctor can be 
liable. Emerich, who weighs 250 pounds, says 
he never drinks and drives and notes that his 
last traffic violation was a DUI 23 years ago. 


m 


na 


MARGINALIA 


(continued from page 67) 


$800 million a year on outlier pay- 
ments. That year, its CEO cashed їп 
$111 million in stock options a few 
months before resigning. Once Medicare 
cracked down, Redding fell deep into 
the red. In 2003 it lost $30 million." 


зепа1 с 
Section ® 
245.01 


FROM A REPORT in the London 
Guardian: “Military police yesterday 
allegedly being abused by Iraqi inter- 
rogators. The raid appeared to be a 
violation of the country's sovereignty, 
police and US. soldiers. An intelli 
gence officer named Nashwan Ali said, 
“Ап American MP asked me why we 
мге beat the prisoners 

because they are all bad 

people. But I told him 

naked, photograph them » 
or fuck them like ч д 
CRIMINAL | 

CODES 

from New 

be placed on 

shirts sold 

online by 

221.05 (possession of marijuana), 
Section 230 (prostitution), Section 
245.01 (indecent exposure), Section 
156.05 (computer hacking). Section 
200 (bribery). The site also offers Cali- 
fornia codes, including Section 281 
cation), Section 499b (joyriding) and 
Section 288a (oral sex in public). 
FROM THE TESTAMENT of Ital- 
(bloghdad.splinder.com), posted online 
by a colleague after insurgents exe- 
cuted Baldoni in Iraq: “At my funeral I 
that funerals always end with someone 
‘smiling? It's natural, life taking over 
death. And let people smoke freely 

if new love stories would come out, 
and I'd even consider some aloof sex 
as an offer to life rather than an 
ceremonials, bring my coffin silently 
to the crematory while the party and 
the music should last until late night.” 
year by the Affirmative Action Office at 
Central Michigan University: “During 
the holidays it is important to realize 

а place of employment. It is inappropri- 
ate to decorate things with Santa Claus. 
or reindeer or other 

Good ideas for decora- 4 

tions are snowflakes, 
snovipeople and poin: (бі 


raided a building where prisoners were 
leading to angry scenes between Iraqi 
beat the prisoners. | said 

we didn't strip them (A 
you did. и 

York that can 

Penal T's (penalts.com): Section 
240.20 (disorderly conduct), Section 
(bigamy), Section 6474 (public intoxi- 
ian journalist and blogger Enzo Baldoni 
want people to smile, Have you noticed 
anything they like; I'd also be pleased 
offense to death. With littie or no 
FROM A DIRECTIVE issued last 
What may be offensive to others within 
Christmas decorations. (N 

settias to give a feel- 


ing of the winter. 
Please be respectful and 
don't put up specific E 
holiday decorations.” 


FORUM 
ADVANCES IN CROWD CONTROL 


TAKING LESSONS FROM CHICAGO (1968) AND SEATTLE (1999), 
POLICE KEPT SUMMER PROTESTERS AT BAY WITH CAGES AND TECHNOLOGY 


protesters, they unrolled duroble mesh 
netting. In Boston о legol advisor to the 
police department said its nets were de- 
signed to keep protesters from throwing 
things at Democrotic delegates while 
still allowing "sight ond sound ос 

for the hurling of invective. 


ANCE During the RNC, offi- 
cers from a variety of militory and police 
units kept tabs on the city from a secret 
commond center in a windowless room 
in Monhatton. Also on guard: 200 Fed- 
erol Protective Service officers, mony 
‘equipped with helmet coms. The ogency 
says its surveillance is designed only to 
protect federal property. 


MAKE PLANS OR BUST HEADS 


The police have two textbook approaches for dealing with some groups up to charges they are being co-opted.” It also 
protesters: escalated force and negotiated management. can leave police scrambling. Before the WTO protests in 


The former was popular during protests 
against the Vietnam war. Police showed up 
in riot gear and looked to knock heads. 
Paul Browne, a deputy commissioner at the 
NYPD, recalled those days for The Wash- 
ington Post. “There was no conversation at 
all, and that didn’t help anyone,” he said. 
"Now there's negotiation, and that opens 


1999, Seattle police negotiated the peace 
with protest groups. But they had no force- 
ful plan to counter the ensuing rampage, 
when rock-throwing ninjas trashed down- 
town shops. At the summer political con- 
ventions, police searched for a middle 
ground. Boston cops arrested six protest- 
ers; the NYPD arrested nearly 1,800. 


TSS 


m FIER. BEER 


BREMEN, GERMANY 


sy f 


Have a good time with 


Germany’s fun-loving beer. stpauligirl.com 


© IMPORTED BY BARTON BEERS, LTD., CHICAGO, IL Enjoy St. Pauli Girl Responsibly 


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Га 


PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: 


A candid conversation 
conquering Hollywood 


BERNIE MAC 


with the comic actor about overcoming poverty, 


and surviv 


ing George Clooney's endless pranks 


Some celebrities show up for interviews unth 
an entourage. Bernie Mac shows up with 
medical equipment. After а hospital stay and 
three weeks flat on his bach fighting a case of 
pneumonia, the comedian turned actor is hav- 
ing trouble breathing and is tethered by а tube 
to a nearby oxygen tank. A lesser man might 
have taken the day off Not Mac. Although being 
linked to the tank hinders his body language 
and his energy level is low, Mac perseveres. 
When you've been through what he has, a bout 
of pneumonia is no big deal. 

Mac grew up in the toughest of circum- 
stances: living in poverty, rarely seeing his 
absentee father and suffering through the death 
of almost every family member he was close to 
while he was still young, including his mother, 
two brothers and his grandmother and grand- 
father Angry and confused but focused on. the 
lessons he had learned from his mother, he 
found a series of odd jobs in Chicago, includ- 
ing driving a Wonder bread truck, working 
as а cook and delivering appliances for Sears. 

But through it all, he was funny. As early as 
elementary school he found he had а knack for 
telling stories and making people laugh. He 
took a while to focus, but eventually he tried 
his hand at comedy full-time. At first he met 
with only modest success, playing local clubs 
and theaters in Chicago. Then came Russell 


“Every time you see a blach romance it’s over- 
the-top. There always has to be extreme hostility 
between the sexes. He has to cheat. She has to 
show him how independently strong she is, not 
just as a woman but as a black woman.” 


Simmons's Def Comedy Jam and the Kings of 
Comedy tour, with Steve Harvey, D.L. Hugh- 
ley and Cedric the Entertainer, where he scored 
big-time with his streetwise and mostly scato- 
logical musings about men, women, sex and 
family—all liberally spiced with the word 
“motherfucker” and all based on his own 
rough background. That led to small movie 
roles and, finally, his oun sitcom. 

The Bernie Mac Show ts in its fourth season, 
and Mac has been nominated twice for an 
Emmy for outstanding lead actor in a comedy 
series. The show, about a 40ish, childless come- 
dian named Bernie Mac who takes in his sis- 
ter’s three kids when she enters rehab, is partly 
based on Mac's oum life and his strong opinions 
about how children should behave. 

The TV show opened the door to better 
film roles, and Mac appeared as Chris Rock's 
older brother in Head of State. He also played 
the deadpan retail security chief in Bad 
Santa, with Billy Bob Thornton, and took 
the Bosley reins from Bill Murray in the sequel 
to Charlie's Angels. 

This fall, at the age of 46, Mac grabbed 
his first lead role, as a big-league hitter des- 
perate to be in the Baseball Hall of Fame, in 
Mr. 3000. He also returns as part of the 
neo-Rat Pack in Ocean’s Twelve and will soon 
co-star with Ashton Kutcher in a modern-day 


“I was living in a place where I was harming 
myself. I was irresponsible. Га lost several 
apartments. Т couldn't hold a job. I was tired 
of being a no-good son of a bitch who called 
himself a man but was just a grown boy.” 


retelling of Guess Who's Coming to Dinner, 
currently tilled Guess Who. 

Contributing Editor David Rensin, who did 
our 20Q with Mac in 2003, met with the actor- 
comedian recently іп Los Angeles as he began 
filming Guess Who. Reports Rensin, “Both at 
his house and in his trailer on the set of the 
movie, Bernie needed oxygen from his always- 
nearby tank. But Bernie was still Bernie—the 
man who can answer a simple question with a 
30-minute story—and he wasn't going to let his 
health slow him down. He began the inter- 
view playing the host, not the patient.” 


Mac: You want some water? You want 
some snacks? You like sweets? We got 
sweets. Okay, let’s do it. [sneezes] 
PLAYBOY: You've been pretty sick. 

MAC: Yeah, I'd never been sick in my Ше 
before. Forty-six years of playing sports, 
humbugging, football, baseball, basketball, 
never had nothing broken. Never was in 
the hospital. I was hospitalized about 2:30 
last Thursday morning, and after some 
chest X-rays at three they told me 1 got 
pneumonia. But I've been recovering real 
quick. Today I went to the doctor, and 
everything is going real good. I've been 
walking with this oxygen stuff sometimes. 
Before, 1 couldn't even walk across this 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY CLAUDETTE BARIUS. 


“1 have Glocks, .45s, Berettas, Remingtons. 1 
like the marksmanship and the discipline that 
it takes to be a gun owner. I like the machinery. 
Being able to take it out and clean it is even 
more fascinating than having the gun." 


75 


PLAYBOY 


living room. It was tough. Of course, the 
only thing you can do with pneumonia is 
what I'm doing—sitting down and talk- 
ing to you. But that's okay. I figure if I 
wasn't taking care of myself, if I wasn't 
doing the proper things, I probably 
wouldn't be sitting here at all. 

PLAYBOY: That must have been scary. Your 
first book is called J Ain't Scared of You. Are 
you afraid now? 

MAC: When I was coming up I appeared 
on Def Јат. The comic on before me died 
a miserable death—all the comedians 
backstage were laughing and enjoying 
his failure. The audience was so hostile 
that when I got out there my adrenaline 
was pumping and the words ju 
out: "I ain't scared of you!” Then 1 
PLAYBOY: Is that your philosophy? 
Mac: Well, I'm not afraid to fail. 
Sometimes when you lose, you 
win. Sometimes when you win, 
you lose. It took me a long time 
to get to where I’m at, in my 
career and а a man. I was going 
through my trials and tribula- 
tions in life, and it gave me the 
strength to tackle things that 
have come my way. 

PLAYBOY: Still, something must 
scare you. 

mac: Not being able to give my 
best. I get anxious about taking 
new material to the people. 
When I don’t give my best it 
taunts me. It tears me apart. It's 
almost like cheating on a test: 
You passed, and everybody 
thinks you're great, but you 
know you don't know shit. What- 
ever success I've had, I always 
like to top it. 

PLAYBOY: Now you're trying to 
top the success of Ocean's Eleven 
with Ocean's Tuelve. Which of 
your co-stars made you laugh 
the most? 

mac: George Clooney. He's a 
practical joker. He can bust balls. 
You've got to watch yourself at 
all times. You open a door, you 
better make sure a bucket of 
water don't fall оп you. George'll 
put gum in your drink after he's | 
chewed on it. You better watch 
when you sit down, make sure the chair 
don't fold up on you and there ain't no 
tacks on it. He's a mofo. George is con- 
stantly needling you 

PLAYBOY: Does he do that with everyone? 
Mac: Only with people he likes. Unfortu- 
nately, on the second movie George and 
1 didn't spend much time together, but 
on the first one he'd hit me and I'd hit 
him right back. Then Brad would jump 
in. It was a free-for-all every damn day. 
Even Carl Reiner got in a couple of times. 
"That was probably the highlight for me 
оп Ocean's Eleven, talking to one of the 
gurus of the sitcom. He's awesome. 
PLAYBOY: A while back we asked if you'd 


76 formed any friendships on Ocean's Eleven, 


and you said you were too busy working 
to have hang time. Did that change on 
Ocean's Tuelve? 

MAC: We hung. Especially that group. We. 
hung as men. 

PLAYBOY: Meaning? 

MAC: We played poker, had cigars, had 
dinners all the time, parties. It was just a 
good time. Jerry Weintraub, the pro- 
ducer, might be a pain in the ass, but he 
really knows how to treat his actors. Top- 
shelf. We were the Rat Pack. 

PLAYBOY: Mr. 3000 was your first lead role 
in a movic. Why bascball? 

mac: I love baseball. My uncle Mitch was 
on a St. Louis Cardinals farm team. My 
character, Stan Ross, is based a bit on 
Mitch. I also used Roberto Clemente and 
Rod Carew for my hitting. When I played 


I could always hit. They used to call me the 
Water Hose because I sprayed the field. 
PLAYBOY: And yet the томе is less а com- 
edy than a challenge for you to show 
some acting range. 

МАС: I didn't want to do any buffoonery. 
I wanted it to be different, solid, but at 
the same time I wanted to be the Bernie 
Mac people know. The script had been 
around awhile and was given to much 
more successful actors than me: Denzel 
Washington, Tom Hanks, John Travolta, 
Richard Gere. But it's all about timing, 
and it came to me at the right time. It fit 
me. I knew this guy. There was humor, 
but he wasn't justa funny man. Athletes. 
are so doggone powerful and bigger than 


life that it seems they can't get ill or be 
hurt or emotionally touched. I wanted to 
go against the clichés, to reveal the chops 
of Bernie Mac. And I wanted to show a 
love affair from a minority's point of view, 
which is rarely seen 
PLAYBOY: Rarely seen? 
MAC: Every time you see a black romance 
it's over-the-top. There always has to be 
extreme hostility between the sexes. He 
has to cheat. She has to show him how 
independently strong she is, not just as 
a woman but as a black woman. I wanted 
to stay far away from that. In the love 
scene between Angela Bassett and me, 1 
didn't want you to see me stirring spoon 
with her. I didn't want you to see me 
knocking the boots. I wanted you to use 
your imagination and see the love. 1 
didn't show you any skin. You 
saw Angela in her underwear, 
putting on her slacks because 
she had to go, and you saw me 
grab a sheet and chase her down 
the stairs. I wanted you to see 
that the roles were reversed. 
PLAYBOY: Did you ever consider 
dropping the sheet as you 
walked back up the stairs—for 
comic effect? 
МАС: Nope. You don't want to 
see my backside. 
PLAYBOY: Much of your comedy 
is based on your own vulnera- 
bilities and pain. 
MAC: The pain is not self-pity 
pain; it's a pain of strength. My 
humor comes from telling sto- 
ries based on my life that 
everyone can relate to. What 
you see is what you get. There 
ain't nothing fictitious. Гуе 
never had anyone write my 
humor for me. I’m scanning, 
vatching, something will hap- 
pen, and I'll think, Man, that's 
funny. Goddamn, that’s funny! 
I'm always watching and listen- 
ing and laughing to myself. 
PLAYBOY: All joking aside, your 
family life was pretty rough. 
МАС: | never really knew my 
father. He was a smooth-dressing 
Gatsby who was never around. 
1 met him maybe 12 times. 1 lost 
my Іше brother Howard when he was a 
few months old. I lost my mother when 1 
was 15 and then my big brother, Darryl, a 
year later. Three years after my mother 
passed, my father died penniless, and I 
had to bury him. My grandmother and 
grandfather—who I found out after he 
died wasn't really my grandfather—raised 
me after that. Atsome point there were 12 
of us in one home. We weren't all broth- 
ers and sisters, but we were very close, and 
close in age, so everyone thought we 
were—my uncle Mitch and his son Greg, 
my aunt Jackie, my aunt Evelyn and her 
kids, Tony, Kim and Vicky, who died of 
strep throat when she was 10. 

1 was born on 66th and Blackstone in 


DRINK RESPONSIBLY, 


PLAYBOY 


78 


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Chicago. It was rat-infested. The city tore 
down that building and found us an 
apartment on 69th and Morgan, in Burn- 
ing Bush. We had a bedroom in the front 
that I shared with my mother. My grand- 
mother and grandfather had a bedroom, 
and there was one for Evelyn, Kim and 
Jackie. Mitch, Darryl, Tony and Greg 
slept in the rec room in two big beds. 
PLAYBOY: It sounds as though you were 
surrounded. 

Мас: Yeah. God took me on a ride. But my 
grandmother didn’t want me to fall into 
selEpity. She hated that. She would always 
he world doesn't owe you nothing. 
It's what you owe the world.” I didn’t 
really understand that then, but 1 do now. 
PLAYBOY: We assume that as a result you 
pretty much take Hollywood in stride. 
MAC: Hollywood didn't make me. I'm so 
far away from Hollywood it's unbeliev- 
able. Hollywood didn't know anything 
about me. When I got here they were 
afraid of me. 

PLAYBOY: Why? 

MAC: They said my personality was too 
powerful. When I read for parts in the 
early 1990s they said my presence was 
too strong and it took away from what I 
was trying to do. 

PLAYBOY: How much did that bother you? 
MAC: It made things tough, but I didn't 
let it bother me. I was taught to give my 
best, to raise my game. My grandmother 
always said, “Don't you come down. You 
let them come up to you." She also told. 
me, "You keep doing what you're doing. 
If you do it from here [points lo heart], it ll 
happen by itself." So 1 never really got 
upset. I never looked for anything from 
anybody. When I'd get turned down, that 
was great for me. 

PLAYBOY: Now that you've spent so much 
time on the West Coast, can you make 
fun of showbiz and get a laugh? 

MAC: You can, but some will say it's a rich 
guy cranking and moaning, so I don't 
really go there. My comedy has always 
been internal, personal experience. I 
don't talk about the TV show or Holly- 
wood in my act. In fact, what made my 
comedy successful was that 1 stayed away 
from that kind of stuff. 

PLAYBOY: You don't find it funny or don't 
want to bite the hand that feeds you? 
мас: Hollywood don't feed me. 
PLAYBOY: Come on. What about the ТУ 
show, the movies? 

МАС: Those are separate from my stand- 
up. With stand-up I'm the director, 
writer and producer. I can talk about 
whatever I want. 
PLAYBOY: What else is off- 
Mac: 1 don't tell God jokes. 

PLAYBOY: The comedy business changes 
rapidly. How has it evolved since you 
began your career? 

MAC: Everything is micro-driven. Every- 
thing is fast. Hardly anyone studies the 
craft. Few have a style of their own. What 
used to make comedy so interesting to me. 
was individuals who had their own style: 


its? 


When Sidekicks Steal the Show 


Sometimes the big stars end up playing second fiddle 


Bernie Mac vs. Chris Rock in Head of 
State (2003) Playing the Chicaga boil 
bondsman turned running mote of presi- 
dential candidate Rock, his little brather, 
Mac shaws up late in the action. Warking 
the flashy suit and advising his baby bra 
to ditch the red-white-and-blue ties and 
pinstripes far a tracksuit, Mac is sa an 
fire, yau want him to run away with the 
whole movie. Which he does. 


Owen Wilson vs. Ben Stiller in Zoo- 
lander (2001) Stiller gets laughs playing 
the terminally vacant male supermodel, 
but Wilson scares big playing his orchri- 
val (and eventual pal), who philoso- 
phizes like a surfer-stoner idiot savant: 
“Sting would be another person who's a 
hera. The music he's created, | don't 
really listen ta it, but the fact that he's 
making it, 1 respect that.” 


Will Ferrell vs. Mike Myers in Austin 
Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me 
(1999) Nabody earns bigger laughs in 
Myers's secret-agent spoofs than Myers 
himself—except when Ferrell plays Mus- 
tofo, Dr. Evil's fez-weoring henchman. Are 
rumarmongers just talking trash when 
they soy Ferrell pocketed so meny scenes 
that Myers killed aff his character out af 
self-defense? Oh, behave. 


Vince Vaughn vs. Jan Favreau in 
Swingers (1996) Favreau wrote himself 
the killer rale of the unlucky-in-love strug- 
gling actor-camic, but it's Vaughn who's 
money, baby. Playing the fast-talking best 
pol wha counsels Favreau an how to 
score with the beautiful babies, Vaughn 
says, “I want you ta be like the guy in the 
rated-R movie. You know, the guy you're 
not sure whether or not you like yet." 


Chris Tucker vs. Charlie Sheen in 
Money Talks (1997) Ploying a ruthless, 
uptight reporter in this 48 Hrs. lite di- 
rected by Breit Ratner, Sheen is the stor, 
but Tucker's low-life, hiloriausly foul- 
mauthed prison escopee really delivers 
the goods—especially when riffing an Al 
Pacino's hammy accent in Scarface ог 
calling а sexy thang “Phat. P-H-A-T— 
pretty, hot and tempting.” 


R2-D2 vs. C-3PO in Star Wars (1977) 
Sure, C-3PO—that prissy golden droid 
wha sounds like а robotic Frasier—nabs 
cll the good lines, like "Don't coll me а 
paintless philosopher, you overweight gob 
of grease.” But pint-size R2-D2—Lourel 
ta C-3PO's Hardy—gets his licks in tao, 
making him the people's choice. He defi- 
nitely makes mincemeat of Mark Hamill 
ond Harrison Ford. — —Stephen Rebelia 


79 


PLAYBOY 


Joey Bishop, Jerry Lewis, Dom DeLuise, 
Flip Wilson, Redd Foxx, Tom Dreesen, 
Tim Reid, Jackie Mason, Rodney Dan- 
gerfield. They went on Johnny Carson 
and did five-minute routines. Now every- 
опе goes to the Aspen and Montreal com- 
edy festivals. They have no following, no 
comedy base. I realize lots of them are just 
trying to get exposure, but when some- 
one new gets a sitcom, the show doesn't 
last because the comedian's not ready. 
PLAYBOY: How did you know that you 
were ready? 
Mac: Let me tell you a story. When I was 
about eight years old I was clowning in 
class. The teacher said, “Mr. Mac, why 
don't you come up here and share with 
us, since you've got everybody laughing.” 
I said, “Okay.” 1 got up and did whatever 
I'd been doing. She said, “That's fine and 
dandy. Now sit down.” That Friday we 
had recreational day, with art, music, stuff 
like that. The teacher, Miss Cochrane, 
said, “Class, I'm going to have Mr. Mac 
come up and tell us one of his hila: 
stories, since he likes to tell stories. 
didn’t know it was coming, but I said, 
“Okay.” 1 did about 30 minutes. After- 
ward she asked me where I got the story. 
I told her I did it off the top of my head. 
She said, “Don't lie to me." I said, "No, 
ma'am. I did it of the top of my head." 
PLAYBOY: Honestly? 
MAC: Never thought about them. Even 
today people ask me, "What you gonna 
do tonight, Mac?" I say, “1 don't know.” 
Give me 50 minutes and I can do two 
hours. Anyway, the next recreational day 
another class joined mine. The principal 
came too. Miss Cochrane said, "Mr. Mac, 
please tell the class another story." I said, 
“Okay.” I did another 30 minutes. Later 
the principal asked me, "Where did you 
get that story?" I told her that it just came 
to me. The following week was the same 
thing. Afterward the principal said, "I'm 
going to put you in a district talent com- 
petition next month." She called my 
mother and told her. My mother asked 
me, “You want to do it?” I sai 
At the assembly I wore my one suit. 
My mama had cut my hair. I sat in the 
back playing with my little Army men, 
watching a girl onstage doing her thing 
and the audience going crazy. A few of 
my schoolmates were behind me whis- 
pering, “You're gonna freeze. Choke. 
You ain't gonna do it. You're gonna make 
us look bad.” Miss Cochrane said, “Take 
your time. Just get up and do your story.” 
“Okay.” All of a sudden I heard my 
mother go, “Psst!” She said, “You be 
yourself. If you be yourself all the time, 
you'll never lose. Don't hear the voices.” 
1 said, “What voices, Mama?” She said, 
“You'll find out. Just don’t hear the 
voices.” I said, “Okay.” Someone said, 
“Ladies and gentlemen, Bernie Mac.” 
Behind me I heard, “Freeze, freeze, 
freeze!” I went up and said, “Good 
evening, ladies and gentlemen. My name 


80 is Bernie Mac, and I'm eight years old. 


I'm here to tell you a story about how hot 
it was. Two hundred degrees. There was 
no water in the world, One guy had all 
the water and wouldn't share it with any- 
body. It was so hot the birds were drop- 
ping dead." I did about 30 minutes. I 
won. Backstage my sister was jumping up 
and down, but my mother just looked at 
me and smiled. She knew I hadn't lis- 
tened to the voices. She said, “We're 
going to celebrate. What do you want?" I 
said, "Mama, can 1 have a hamburger, a 
cheeseburger and a shake?" She said, 
"Okay." I'm like that to this day. I just 
don't worry about things. People can put 
fear in you only if you let them. 
PLAYBOY: So if it wasn’t because of fear, 
why did you spend years working at 
Sears and General Motors, being a fry 
cook and delivering Wonder bread instead 
of doing what comes naturally to you? 
Mac: Good question. Around when my 
grandfather died, I was living in a bad 
place, not in terms of harming others but 
of harming myself. 1 was irresponsible. 1 
ran the streets, and my priorities were all 
messed up. I'd lost several apartments, 
furniture. 1 had to moye in with people 
constantly. I couldn't hold a job, and I 


"Cable ruined comedy 


clubs. Def Comedy Jam 
helped ruin them." 


was the talk of the family. Like my 
mother and grandmother, my wife was 
one of the best people in my life, and 1 
couldn't understand why I was always 
hurting people who loved me. I was tired 
of being a no-good son of a bitch who 
called himself man but was just a grown 
boy. Living check to check, blaming peo- 
ple and mad at other people's fortunes. 

PLAYBOY: What turned it around? 

MAC: My mother died when I was 15, and 
I couldn't feel anything. I was blank. 1 
faked the tears when she passed because 
1 thought that was the right thing to do. 
I mean, people are looking at you, and 
you're supposed to be crying. I finally 
cried for real in 1991 at a comedy club. 
It was summertime. 1 had three shows 
and got about eight standing ovations. At 
two in the morning it was over, and out- 
side it was raining cows and pigs. I had 
a few beers, and Г was on a high. 1 kept 
saying, “Thank you, Lord.” I'd finally 
given myself over to doing only comedy, 
and I felt the transformation. I felt myself 
coming around. I was really dedicated to 
what 1 believed in. My family life was 
coming together, and I appreciated it. 

1 left the club and drove down Lake 
Shore Drive. I lived on 107th and King 
Drive. A church song was on the radio. 1 
got so full of emotion that I pulled over. 


I got out of the car and started walking 
on the beach. I was drenched. Then I just 
started screaming my mother's name and 
telling her I was sorry. For the first time 1 
legitimately cried. 1 got home about 5:30 
or six in the morning. The rain had 
stopped. My wife ran out as soon as I 
pulled up and said, “Bernie, I worried 
to death!” She saw my eyes were red like 
fire. My head was hurting, I'd cried so 
hard. She looked at me, and I looked at 
her. She said, “Come on in." I said, “I'm 
sick of this shit.” That's all I said. That was 
the turning point. 

PLAYBOY: How tough was it for you when 
you finally decided to put all your energy 
into your career? 

MAC: 1 remember everybody telling me, 
“The only way you can make it is to come 
to LA.” I'd saved $400 or $500, and a 
friend who worked at United Airlines got 
me bootleg tickets. I'd never been on a 
plane in my life. I took my wife. It was our 
first vacation, too. Before I left Chicago 1 
did my homework. I made all the calls— 
Laugh Factory, Improv, Comedy Store. 

1 was supposed to perform at the Com- 
edy Store. Mitzi Shore, the owner, never 
gave me a minute of her time—but по 
hard feelings. I got there at seven EM. to 
go on about 7:45. They bumped me. 
‘They said, “So-and-so came in. Go eat 
something.” Somebody else came in; they 
bumped me again. No problem. “You'll 
go on at nine-something.” They bumped 
me. Richard Pryor arrived in a wheel- 
chair. He went on at 10:30. No problem. 
I'm watching Richard Pryor. My wife’s 
tired: “When are we going to go home?" 
I didn’t want to be a pest. I'm trying to 
follow the rules. I ask the guy, "Can you 
give me an idea of what time you think 
I'm going on?" “Who are you again?” I 
said, “My name is Bernie Mac. I was here 
for seven o'clock.” “Oh yeah, we'll let you 
know." Eleven o'clock, 11:30. "We're 
gonna put you on at 12:30, man. You're 
gonna go up, okay?" Rhonda said, "Can 
you take me home? I'm tired." Okay. 1 
ran Rhonda home. Came back about 
12:15. I said, “I'm going on at 12:30." He 
said, "Ah. we bumped you, man. You'll go 
on around one o'clock." Okay. 1 sat 
down. They bumped me again. 
PLAYBOY: Was the unflappable Bernie Mac 
finally getting pissed? 
mac: Nope. A black guy came to me and 
said, “Hey, man, you still wanna go up, 
man? You want to go on around 2:302" 
The place was about empty, maybe two 
or three people in there. I said, “Yep.” 1 
went up. Took 25 minutes. He came 
onstage and said, “He was pretty funny, 
ladies and gentlemen. What's your 
name? Bernie Mac? That was pretty 
impressive, man." I sat down. I didn't say 
nothing. He came over and said, “That 
funny, bro." I said, "Okay." He 
оте tomorrow, man. We'll see 
what's up." I said, “Sure.” I got home 
around three-something. I didn't want to 
wake my wife, but she rolled over in bed 


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PLAYBOY 


and said, “You go ир?” I said, 
She said, “What's wrong?" I said, "Rhonda, 
they asked me to come back tomorrow, 
but I'm not going. Next time L.A. calls 
me, they're gonna come to me. I want to 
go home.” I went home. 

PLAYBOY: Discouraged? 

mac: I figured if that was what I had to 
go through to make people laugh, it was 
bullshit. But I never got discouraged. 
PLAYBOY: How did you get The Bernie 
Mac Show? 

MAC: It was great timing for me. Had 1 
waited another year my show would 
have suffered because of all the reality 
shows that came out, all the instant rat- 
ings getters. I was hot, coming off The 
Original Kings of Comedy, and I found a 
network, Fox, that needed something. 
Га been on shows before that had been 
canceled, and Га been pitched shows— 
stupid s me playing an architect 
or something like that and having kids 
who look nothing like me—but Га always 
cut them off and said, “Not interested.” 
When I went in with this one I figured 
the only way 1 could keep the networks 
from tampering with me and my prem- 
ise was to play myself. It's hard for a net- 
work to tell me how to play myself. I'm 
46 now; I've got 46 years of experience 
of who Bernie Mac is. So 1 pitched 
myself, knowing I'd have the power to be 
more Creative and dictate the details I 
already knew—because my show is based 
оп true stories from my life. 

PLAYBOY: On The Bernie Mac Show there's 
no laugh track, and you break the fourth 
wall and speak to the audience. And 
although you're really Uncle Bernie to 
your TV Kids, you're a different kind of 
ТУ dad. How difficult was it to get Fox to 
agree to everything? 

MAC: Not difficult. In fact, in four years 
I've had no problems with Fox except 
that it keeps changing the time slot with- 
out putting out any publicity about it. I 
know it's the nature of the TV beast and 
it's not personal. Put me on whenever, 
but tell people! 

PLAYBOY: In his book America Behind the 
Color Line, Henry Louis Cates writes that 
on your show you aren't working against 
racial stereotypes as much as against TV 
stereotypes. True? 

MAC: Television is full of stereotypes 
because they all follow each other. What- 
ever works, okay, let's all jump on it. 
Some authentic shows get through, but 
then greed sets in and they're copied. 
You see one story on CBS, and when you 
turn the channel you sce the same story. 
PLAYBOY: If you could, which classic sit- 
com would you revive and star in? 

мас: The Andy Griffith Show. People forget 
that Andy was once a stand-up comic. 
They don't realize how secure he was. He 
had to be. How else could he have had 
Don Knotts, Opie, Gomer, Goober, Aunt 
Bee, Clara, Floyd and Ernest Т. Bass and 
let them all get off? That was brilliant. 


82 PLAYBOY: And unlike many contempo- 


rary TV dads, Andy inspired respect. 
Why are today's TV dads so hapless? 
Mac: Cheap laughs and easy jokes. Look 
at Father Knows Best, Leave It to Beaver, Dick 
Van Dyke. The fathers were the bread- 
winners, the strong individuals. When 
Wally and the Beaver had a problem, 
Ward would go upstairs and give them 
everyday lessons. Now it’s the quick joke. 
You've got guys in charge of shows who 
probably went to school for chemistry, 
and now they're executive producers. 
PLAYBOY: When are you going to do some 
more stand-up? 

мас: Thirty dates next spring, when I'm 
finished with the show for the season. 
After The Original Kings of Comedy and the. 
show and the movies, the anticipation is 
just where I want it. But it kills me not to 
have touched the mike for so long. In the 
past, if I felt something, if I'd get an idea, 
I could go onstage two days later and 
work it out. Haven't been able to do that. 
PLAYBOY: How do you keep up the com- 
edy chops? 

мас: I'm a great listener, a great observer. 
It looks like I'm talking or laughing to 
myself, but I'm just working new ideas 
and using my tape recorder. 


“I'm not living for 


approval. That's not 


arrogance; that's reality." 


PLAYBOY: Now that you're in the main- 
stream with the TV show and movies, will 
you keep working blue? 

MAC: 1 have to be myself. It's comedy. It's 
jokes. It's what got me here. 

PLAYBOY: Which comics influenced you 
the most? 

Мас: Red Skelton used to tear me apart. 
At the end of his show a tear would 
roll down my cheek when he'd say, 
"God bless." He did all his characters 
with his heart. Richard Pryor taught me 
how to talk about myself. Redd Foxx 
taught me how to speak the audience's 
language. I also learned from Bill Cosby, 
about how to handle myself in business. 
PLAYBOY: You once dclivered appliances 
for Sears. Do you still shop there? 

MAC: Sure. Depends on what I'm looking 
for. 1 don't have hang-ups like that. You 
know how people say, “This is a Johnny 
Gucciani shirt I'm wearin, Гуе never 
been into that. I am into suits, though. 
My grandfather always told me a man 
should look his best at all times, so I 
promised myself that if I could get a 
hand on a dollar I'd wear suits. I get 
mine tailor-made. 

PLAYBOY: What's the first thing you got 
when you had the money to get anything 
you wanted? 

Мас: I got my wife a real wedding ring. 


Before that she had bullshit. 1 might have 
just found that motherfucker. Then 1 
bought her a nice condo downtown and 
started a college fund for my daughter. 
PLAYBOY: How many big-screen TVs do 
you own? 
MAC: Several. 
PLAYBOY: How big is too big? 
MAC: Гуе got an 80-something-inch 
screen. I also have a movie screen. I love 
movies. I saw Al Close Range again the 
other day, with Chris Walken and Sean 
and Chris Penn. Man, 1 love that movie. 
Sometimes my wife and I will watch three 
or four movies a day. I'm a home cat. I get 
up at seven or eight o'clock. 1 work out 
from 10:30 to 11:30. 1 shower, steam—1 
don't like saunas—put my clothes on. At 
two I go to lunch. After that I go to the 
office, go to the gun range, hit some golf 
balls—whatever I have that day. Six o'clock, 
seven, I come home and eat. After that I 
h a movie, watch me another movit 
If it's raining, I might watch three movi 
PLAYBOY: We hear you also collect guns. 
Mac: For 20 years now. I have Glocks, 
5s, Berettas, over-unders, Remingtons. 
I like the marksmanship and the disci- 
pline that it takes to be а gun owner. 1 
like the machinery, breaking it down. 
Being able to take it out, clean it and put 
the spring back in is even more fascinat- 
ing than having the gun. 
PLAYBOY: How'd you get into it? 
мас: Being black and in the neighbor- 
hood. You had to have something to 
protect your home. The first thing I 
had was a revolver, because it’s safe. 
Everyone in the house knew. My daugh- 
ter knew. I kept the revolver in a box 
with a lock on it. Once I had the 
revolver I went to the government and 
registered for a firearm. Then I prac- 
ticed shooting. After seven years I grad- 
uated to an automatic. My father-in-law 
taught me how to handle it. 
PLAYBOY: Has anybody ever pulled а 
gun on you? 
MAC: Yes, several times. 
PLAYBOY: What did you do? 
MAC: Obeyed. That was the neighbor- 
hood 1 lived in. You became used to it. 
We used to hear shooting. We'd wait 20 
minutes and then walk to the store. I'm 
not proud of it. It's sad. 
PLAYBOY: Did you ever have to pull your 
revolver out of the box? 
MAC: Never had to and | hope I never will. 
PLAYBOY: You're also passionate about 
golf. What's the best golf joke you've 
ever heard? 
mac: The guy said he had to hit the ball 
275 yards up the middle and a little to 
the left on the 13th hole. For the 
approach shot he had to go through this 
little gate. He shot the ball, and it went 
through the gate, hit a tree, came back, 
struck his wife in the temple and killed 
her. He didn’t play golf for a while. He 
came back about six months later and 
played the same course. Thirteenth hole, 
275 yards, right down the middle and a 


THE HOUSE OF MENTHOL 
KOL 
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little to the left. Approach shot he had 
to go through the little gate to get to the 
green. Same shot. He stood there. Every- 
body got silent. Someone asked if he was 
okay. He said, “Yeah. Last time 1 double- 
bogeyed this hole.” 

Golf will change your life. That game 
is something else, man. But it’s fun. All of 
a sudden you'll hit the perfect fucking 
shot to keep you coming back. I love the 
camaraderie. I love playing all these 
beautiful courses. I love the aftermath— 
the beers, the cigars, the good food. I like 
meeting good people. I don’t deal with 
toxic waste. When I get a chance to play 
golf or go on a boat with good people, 
take the boat out and put some lobsters 
on the grill, get the ice-cold beer and the 
cigars—that’s heaven here on earth. 
PLAYBOY: Do you think cable TV has 
helped or hurt comedy? 

MAC: I don't know about comedy, but 
cable ruined comedy clubs. Def Comedy 
Jam helped ruin them. 

PLAYBOY: Russell Simmons, in his book, 
says that whites who watched the show 
got to see how angry black people were 
and that the anger was over white people 
not knowing that black people are as 
good as they are. True? 

MAC: Whatever way he sizes it up, that's 
his thing. But it took away. I learned 
about puttinga routine together from the 
pioneers 1 mentioned earlier, Then every- 
thing became hostile. That's not comedy. 
PLAYBOY: Clearly you know your own 
mind and aren't afraid to say so. How 
tough is it to stay that way in a business 
that often labels entertainers who think 
for themselves as difficult? 

mac: [Laughs] I have a problem with this 
when I do interviews, because for some 
reason people don't get it. It ain't arro- 
gance. I'm not vain. I'm just trying to be 
the best I can be, and I count on myself, 
my own instinct. Е listen to what others 
have to say, but in the end it comes down 
to me. That's not arrogance; that's real- 
ity. I'm not living for approval. But I 
know some people might dislike me 
because I stand alone. I get it sometimes: 
antisocial, know-everything, not for the 
people. That does hurt me. Butin the big 
picture, so what? My family, my wife and 
daughter all understand me, It's not like 
when I was growing up and had to go to 
school with you even though I never 
liked you. Today I love everybody, but 
there are a few people I don't like. I don't 
like their ways, how they treat people, 
their personality. But that's not standing 
off; that’s my choice about choice. Do I 
want to have coffee with you? No. Do I 
want to call you and say, “Let's go smoke 
acigar"? No. In the end I get most of my 
pleasure from being creative. When they 
leaye my show and say, “Bernie Mac is 
something else! Man, that son of a bitch 
is funny"—that's my applause. 

PLAYBOY: You got that reaction from being 
in The Original Kings of Comedy. Would 
you do another? 


MAC: No, I'd do my own. The Original 
Kings of Comedy was great, but I don't 
think there's room fora part two. 
PLAYBOY: As we speak you're making 
Guess Who, with Ashton Kutcher, a 
remake of Guess Who's Coming to Dinner. 
Why gamble on redoing a classic? 

MAC: I didn’t want to do an actual remake 
of Guess Who's Coming to Dinner, because I 
have too much respect for it. So we 
flipped it, and it worked. Im in the 
Spencer Tracy role. Ashton plays Sidney 
Poitier's part. Zoe Saldana is my daugh- 
ter. My wife is Judith Scott. I love bring- 
ing something different to the party. 
Coming off Mr. 3000 and Ocean's Twelve, 
1 wanted to show people my chops, show 
them substance and quality and that 
there's more to me than they thought. 
PLAYBOY: But it's still about your daugh- 
ter bringing home a boyfriend of a dif- 
ferent color, only this time he's white. 
MAC: It's not just about her bringing 
home a white guy; it's that there's so 
much going on that weckend—I'm hav- 
ing a 25th anniversary party—and she 
didn't tell us. Plus, the guy has problems. 
It's a love story about four people, not 
just him and my daughter. 

PLAYBOY: You have a hit TV show, a grow- 
ing movie career, two best-selling books 
and a big stand-up act. Now that you've 
made it, are you tempted to just play it 
safe with your stardom? 

Mac: No, though that’s sometimes what 
others want you to do. A lot of people, 
when they get on a successful ride, they 
change their style. They hear the yoices, 
and they let everybody on the outside— 
people who know everything about 
absolutely nothing—tell them what they 
need to do and how they need to do it. 
Besides, I'm not a star, and 1 don't want 
to bea star. Stars fall. I'm an entertainer, 
a performer. I'm an ordinary guy with an 
extraordinary job. I'm a comedian, a 
clown, and that's fine with me. I'm the 
guy who takes people away from their 
problems for an hour and a half or two. 
PLAYBOY: When you're gone, what would 
you want people to say and remember 
about you? 

MAC: I want them to say that Bernie gave 
his best every damn day. I want them to 
say that he brought quality and substance 
to everything he touched. It’s the way I 
feel about Marvin Gaye and Earth, Wind 
& Fire. They never cheated their fans. 
That's my elation. That's my applause 
That's bigger than dollars and cents. 1 
want to be the best I can be—first a bet- 
ter man, then a better husband and 
father, then a better friend. Then I want 
to be a great associate. After that I want 
to be the best entertainer in the world— 
in my world. Then ГИ walk off like 
Johnny Carson and Flip Wilson. You'll 
see me no more. No more intervie ri 
get on my boat and sail away. I'm going 
to live my life. I'm gone. 


Here’s to outdoing the neighbors. 


very libertarian place. As long as you're not hurting 

one else, whatever you're doing is cool. And because 

so much sexual energy flying through the air, the 

o nightlife is jumping. 

Good to hear that. There's always been so much going 
Provincetown. There are amazing contradictions here. 
all, this is the place where the Pilgrims first landed. 

Why did they leave? 
ike all good white people who are righteous and not 

q ‘aware of how mean they can be underneath their right- 
jusness, they were full of themselves. After all, they had 

d to leave their roots and sail across the Atlantic cramped 

all boat. They got here through true difficulty. At the 

t was even hard to navigate the 

ters around Cape Cod, but there 
tural harbor in Provincetown, 

the land curls around in a spi- 

So they made anchor in this har- 

i — parenthetically, the spot where 
first rowed their longboat to 

land now offers a huge motel. We are 
jothing in America if not ready for 
fit. The Puritans, however, found 
the soil not particularly welcoming, 
ill of sand and brush pine, not good 
farming. They were in search of 

_ food, went scouting around. While 

reconnoitering eight miles south of 
'ovincetown, they found a place in 
ruro, now called Corn Hill, where 
Indians had stored their grain for 
coming winter. So the Puritans 
ught the corn back to the May- 

er, and in the reverberations of 


;robably said to another, “Pri 
ther, let's get the fuck out!” So 
sailed to the other side of Mass- 
jusetts Bay, some 50 miles across 
те water, and moved into Plymouth, 
ich then became the founding 


fell, а couple of hundred years 
the locals here became furious at the ongoing sell- 
y pride of Plymouth. How did that town dare call itself 
nding place of America? So they started petitioning 
m, D.C. By 1907 that got so hot that a first cor- 
erstone was laid by Theodore Roosevelt in a Masonic cere- 
„апа by 1910—a formidable tower (a copy of an Italian 
ower in Siena) having been erected by subscription—Presi 
arrived lor the opening festivities. This exception- 
с tower is now called the Pilgrim Monument. 
малаа with white people stealing corn апа 
е - 


"I did something for the worst possible reason. Just 
1 could." Thus President Clinton explained the 
for his affair with Monica Lewinsky. This would 
be the motive for much of boomerdom: did 
ise 1 could.” "T had sex because I could." It is not 
imorality as amorality that drives such behavior. 
nce of moral order or authority, the fool is free 
С all courses with abandon. Is amorality more trou- 
immorality? 
о isa clearer concept. We know we're up to 
| that by our moral logic is forbidden. “Amoral” is 
viguous. It falls into several categories. People сап 
in business or in their loyalties, but generally 
think of an amoral man as a sexist. Even that 


—— ا 


I SOMETIMES 
THINK IF 
PORNY FILMS HAD 
COME ALONG WHEN 
IWAS A YOUNG MAN, 
IT WOULD 
HAVE DISPENSED 
WITH A LOT OF 
FRICTION IN MY 
PERSONAL LIFE. 


Е 


word has its subcategories. One type doesn't give a damn 
about the partner. His pleasure goes into achievement. Such 
a dude will measure prowess by how many times he gets laid 
Even more important: What rating did the woman give! 

“Then there's biological amorality. The man is 5 
a heavy physical need. The need is more important 
than the partner. That's animal, if you will, but it is no 
related to the ego. 

JBM: Can there ever truly be amorality? For me, everybody- 
whether they know it or not—lives by a code, and when th 
break their own code, it bothers them. ў 
мм: Okay, some amoral people do work by a code. Th 
more interesting. Let's say that for them the whole moral sy: 
tem isa lot of crap. So ignore 
believe that any orthodox mo 

tem breeds illness, pain, 

and deception of oneself. The 
Playboy Philosophy used to weig 

on how we have to change our. 
ual mores. “Stick to one woman” 
not what Hef was all about. 

I would say this aspect of amor 
can be justified. One can arg 
we have the right to make man: 
ties into sex when we are single 
to find new partners all. 

‘The underlying notion is that 
or later, the cumulative kno 
we gain will ready us for a s 
love. Many a sexist who has а г 
a good lover might, under al 
be dreaming of a great love to € 
Such studs are getting read; 
big meeting by having mai 

en route to the championshi 
than one movie star subscri 
psychology. Seen as a vi 
increase one's knowledge, an 
becomes more interestii 


source, but Henry Mill 
something to the cficct tha 
no such thing as a bad 
he meant that no matter how horrible it can get, 
learn something about the woman and about yours 
people do dig into fucking like gold miners. Th 
worrying about the earth—they want the goddam 
the pickax strikes rock, they'll go elsewhere. | || 
IBM: Do you learn more from sleeping with 10 
from sleeping with one woman for 10 years? || 
нм: A man full of sensuality would probably opt for 
course. You need to feel extraordinary love to 
someone for 10 years. After my own checkered 
married six times, with 
son—I've been on both sides of that question. 
I've certainly been amoral in my day. Cold 
few. But on the other hand, Гуе been attr: 
to the qualities that women have. My amorali 
going to get into it—was a search. 1 wanted to 
about sex. 1 sometimes think if porny films had 
when I was a young man, it would have dispe: 
lot of friction in my personal life. Because you d 
from them. Women's animal qualities are exempl 
itively or negatively. Besides, you might be a. ide 
to marry the first woman you find who is high 
эвм: I want to get back to Clinton's quote: 
could.” What are your thoughts on the wa! 
Monica Lewinsky in his book? 


NN: As people go, Clinton is not the worst guy: 
to meet. He has a lot of natural 7 


NDS? E Na 


vb vv) р] 


a present for you that can't wait until Christmas...” 


“We have 


IN CINEMA 


2004 


MOST FASCINATING SUBJECT 


( THE MOVIES KEEP EXPLORING THE WORLD'S J 


t's a peculiar year when the three most talked 

about films—The Passian of the Christ, Fahrenheit 

9/11 and Kill Bill Vol. 2—are virtually sexless. Fortu- 
nately, Mel Gibson, Michael Moore and Quentin Taran- 
tino weren't the only directors working. The year's 
best film about sex was Bernardo Bertolucci's The 
Dreamers, which tells the story of an American and a 
French brother and sister who discover sex in the 
politically enraged Paris of 1968. Michael Pitt shows 
the young American's intelligence and naiveté, and 
Eva Green demonstrates why it sometimes seems 
that nothing on earth is more like a goddess than a 
19-year-old woman. Much attention fell to Vincent 
Gallo's The Brown Bunny, a strange but frequently dull 
film most notable for Chloé Sevigny's on-screen fella- 


tio. Far more attention should be paid to more 
provocative and thoughtful films such as Catherine 
Breillat's Sex Is Comedy and Roger Michell's The Mother. 
But sex is too important to be left to philosophers. 
Sex is fun in Wimbledan (featuring a sweaty and fit 
Kirsten Dunst) and Eurotrip (get the unrated version 
on DVD). For sexy star power, see how Leonardo 
DiCaprio, Gwen Stefani, Kate Beckinsale and Cate 
Blanchett portray Hollywood's golden age in The Avi- 
ator. Charlize Theron, in Head in the Clouds, makes us 
forget how she looked in Monster, and Halle Berry 
makes Cotwoman worth watching. Finally, recall the 
face of Diane Kruger, who plays Helen in Troy; it may 
not exactly launch a thousand ships, but surely her 
marina will never lack for a dinghy. 


Gwen Stefani (above) embodies proto-bombshell Jean Harlow in The Aviator. 


$ 


GOT WOOD? 

In Kinsey (above), Liam Neeson and 
Laura Linney, as sex researcher 
Alfred Kinsey and his wife, appear 
to be awfully impressed at the sight 
of a fully erect tongue depressor. 


ALL HEAT, NO BURN 

In Eurotrip (below left), Edita 
Deveroux and Petra Tomankova 
demonstrate standard operating 
procedure on one of France’s many 
all-female, all-nude beaches. 


THE HEART OFTHE MATTER 
In Lost in Translation (below right), 
Bill Murray plays a man for whom 
life has lost all meaning. Then he 
meets Scarlett Johansson in a 
Tokyo hotel Баг. 


THREE'S A WHAT? 
Bertolucci's The Dreamers (above, 
all), with Eva Green, Michael Pitt 
and Louis Garrel, shows that when 
you're young and rebellious, three 
doesn't have to be an odd number. 


CARE FOR A DIP? 

In Swimming Pool (below left), 
Charlotte Rampling seems to be 
perturbed that she is unable to 
discover any flaws in Ludivine 
Sagnier's breasts. 


GETTING OUT THE KINKS 
In Roger Michell's The Mother 
(below right), grandmotherly Anne 
Reid has a rejuvenating affair with 
her daughter's virile lover, the much 
younger Daniel Craig. 


THERE IS NO SUCH 
THING AS A BAD GIRL 

In Murderous Maids (top), Sylvie 
Testud and Julie-Marie Parmen- 
tier play a pair of incestuous sis- 
ters who decide to murder their 
employer and her daughter. But 
their floors are so clean you can 
eat off them. 


HEY, DO MY 

FEET STILL SMELL? 

In Head in the Clouds (middle), 
which is set in the days prior to 
World War 11, you can tell that 
Charlize Theron and Stuart Town- 
send are devil-may-care bons 
vivants because they wear their 
lids in the bathtub. 


IT’S HARDTO 

LOOK ANGRY WHEN 
YOU'RE NAKED... 

Yet in Thirteen (bottom left), a 
movie about a teenage girl's 
rebellious entry into adoles- 
cence, Holly Hunter manages to 
Seem really ticked off. 


PDWALKA MILE 
FORA CAMEL, AND EVEN 


FARTHER FOR A... 

Civil War deserter Jude Law has a 
long and arduous journey home 
in Cold Mountain (bottom right), 
but when he gets there, Nicole 
Kidman provides him with an 
especially warm welcome. 


CHEER UP 

Why does Naomi Watts 
(above left) look so sad? 
Did she have to spend 
the night on the wet spot? 
Has she forgotten where 
she left her clothing? Is 
she thinking, Should | try 
to wake up Bret? Or is 
his name Bart? Or Brad- 
ford? Watch 21 Grams 
to find out. 


OUCH! 

For a while, rough sex is 
all fun and games for 
Ewan McGregor (above 
right) т Young Adam. But 
the young drifter sub- 
sequently reveals himself 
to be more murderous 
than sexy. In this scene 
McGregor appears to be 
having a hard time folding 
up his girlfriend. 


MIXED SIGNALS 
We're not exactly sure 
what’s happening in this 
scene from Seeing Other 
People (below left), but it 
certainly looks as if Miss 
December 2001 Shanna 
Moakler wants to talk 
and Jay Mohr is thinking, 
Doesn't she know there's 
no talking once the bra 
comes off? 


THERE'S GOOD 
NEWS AND 

BAD NEWS 

In Jane Campion's In the 
Cut (below right), writing 
teacher Meg Ryan seems 
not to know whether to 
laugh or cry, a common 
predicament when one 
Starts to suspect that one's 
detective boyfriend could 
actually be a serial killer. 


ANYONE HERE 

GOT A RHYME FOR 
NANTUCKET? 

In Christine Jeffs's Sylvia 
(top left), a biopic that 
details the tragic story 
of American poet Sylvia 
Plath, a contemplative 
Gwyneth Paltrow appears 
to be waiting for a visit 
from her own Henry Wads- 
worth Longfellow. 


THIS CHICK IS 
SSSSMOKIN'... 

Which is how you can tell 
that Amanda Swisten (top 
right), who plays an ac- 
tress of the X-rated variety 
in The Girl Next Door, has 
naught but disdain for 
bourgeois morality. Other- 
wise you couldn't tell the 
difference between her 
and Laura Bush. 


ISTHAT A PISTOL 
IN YOUR POCKET, 
ORAREYOU 

A BROTHER? 

In White Chicks (bottom 
left), Marlon Wayans plays 
a black male FBI agent 
who disguises himself as a 
white woman. Here he's 
on the verge of having his 
secret identity released 
into the wild. 


HEY, ISN'T IT 

TIME FOR 
SPONGEBOB? 

We're not sure what Mario 
Van Peebles and his two 
delectable friends are look- 
ing at in this scene from 
Baadasssss! (bottom right), 
but aren't these perhaps 
the three most supremely 
distractible people on the 
face of the earth? 


“AT WHICH POINT 

HEF SAYS,"WHERE THE 
HELL WERE ALLTHE 
BUNNIES?” 

In The Brown Bunny (left), Chloé 
Sevigny kisses Vincent Gallo's 
lips early on in a scene that will 
inevitably be mentioned in every 
article that will ever be written 
about the movie. 


PALM READING 

In Twentynine Palms (left), Katia 
Golubeva uses her palm to tell 
David Wissak that it’s okay for 
him to take off his boots and 
stay awhile. 


HERE, PUSSY PUSSY PUSSY 
Catwoman was a dog, but if an 
one saw Halle Berry (above) in 


her cat suit and didn’t think purr- 
feci, then they just don't know 
word one about bad puns. 


BELIEVE IT OR NOT 

In The Human Stain (above left 
and right), Robert Benton's film 
version of the Philip Roth novel, 
viewers have to suspend disbelief 
enough to accept that Anthony 
Hopkins could be an African 
American and—even more of a 
stretch—that Nicole Kidman could 
be a janitor. 


WHO'S 
ON FIRST? 


In Catherine Breillat's 
Sex Is Comedy (above), 
Roxane Mesquida and 
Grégoire Colin ponder 
their choices. Should 
they slip on a banana 
peel, start a fight or 
make love? 


GRAB 'EM IF 

YOU GOT 'EM 

13 Going On 30 is a 
film about a girl who 
wakes up to find she's 
30 years old. Jennifer 
Garner (left) is delight- 
ed to discover she has 
developed breasts. As 
are we all. 


“I TOLD YOU 
NEVER TO CALL 
ME WHEN 

РМ WAITING!" 

In Heights (below), 
Jesse Bradford passes 
out pigs in blankets at 
what appears to be your 
run-of-the-mill Repub- 
lican fund-raiser. 


PL A LEERLO) Y: 


98 


Mailer (uc from page 88) 


Power is not interested in metaphor. Metaphor pushes 
you lo think in poetic and contradictory ways. 


warmth, plus a good deal of everything 
else а president needs—calculation, 
manipulation, interest in his work, all 
of that. In this case, I thought his par- 
ticular remarks were needlessly cruel. 
I believe he would have preferred to 
speak nicely about Monica Lewinsky, 
but you've got to remember he has an 
angry and injured wife on his hands. 
He had to weigh in with something to 
satisfy her. Hillary was on his mind 
more than Monica. 

“Just because I could” is an empty 
remark. Anyone who's met Monica 
knows she's very attractive. She's got 
beautiful coloring, she's intense, she's 
bright—that's the real reason һе did it. 

And for another reason entirely, 
which may be richer, although it is cer- 
tainly meaner; A bright woman I know 
once said, “Clinton lived in a minimum- 
security prison, Every 15 minutes secu- 
rity checked up on where he was.” I 
thought, She's absolutely right. What 
we're dealing with here is an incarcer- 
ated man. It’s as if he were in the finest, 
grandest minimum-security prison in 
the world, the White House. In that 
sense, five percent of him is a convict. 
тм: And once you're in prison, you do 
what you can get away with. 
эм: Exactly. 
эвм: Then his remark is not so hollow. 
NM: I see what you're saying—yes, it's 
not as hollow as I thought. He di 
not because he could but because he 
wanted to get away with it. He could 
turn his incarceration a little bit 
around. Nonetheless I still think the 
style of phrasing comes because of his 
wife. Having been married six times, I 
have some idea of what one says on 
such occasions. 
вм: You're а good one to talk to about 
that. But more to the point, Clinton has 
a wife who will likely run for higher 
office. Is it immoral or amoral to make 
а calculated decision to strip humanity 
away from Monica in order to protect 
the image of his wife as a strong poten- 
tial candidate? 

NM: Both. Immoral in that he is most 
calculatedly not telling the truth about 
his real feelings. It's amoral because he 
wants to keep the political process 
going: All politicians have to be amoral 
to a degree. It's a question of how 
much. Are they 44 percent amoral or 
88 percent? Politicians cannot possibly 
afford morality except asa series of spe- 
cious sentiments ready to be uttered as 
patriotic or theological slogans. A 


politician has to deal with the given. 
That means they can even tell the truth 
at times. Usually they’re only pretend- 
ing. Politicians build up profound 
habits of not addressing the truth head- 
on. In practice they have to shake 
hands with people they can't bear and 
proffer patriotic remarks that don’t 
come from the heart. 

Now, whether immoral, amoral or 
both, it was finally a necessity. Itwas—the 
two holy words for politicians—the given. 
Jem: Isn't it possible for a politician to 
live by his own code today? 

NM: No. Not a successful politician. 
]BM: Was it possible in FDR's day? 

It was never possible. Go back to 
Bismarc Politics is the art of the 
possible." What's important is to get 
some part of what you want done. 
That's how a democracy works—by 
pieces and parts. 

Тһе irony is, the only way you can 
come near a direct expression of your 
personality is in a dictatorship. Of 
course, as Democrats we feel instinc- 
tively that no human being is good 
enough to be entrusted with that kind 
of power, So in a democracy, change 
always comes from negotiation, which 
leaves each side a bit dissatisfied. 
jem: I'm still too much of an optimist. 
I think that's choice В. 
мм: Well, if you ever get into politics, 
you're going to discover how many com- 
promises have to be made willy-nilly. 
эвм: I suppose that's true. In the end, 
the distinguishing factor between a 
decent politician and a corporate pup- 
pet is not if he is willing to compromise 
but what he is willing to compromise. 


PLAYBOY: You've written about the cul- 
tural necessity of literature. Yet we 
now live in a time when the novelist 
and literature itself are borderline 
irrelevant. There’s an absence of in- 
teriority, of serious, concentrated 
thought. We may be in danger of los- 
ing literature forever. What would this 
mean for American culture? 

NM: As a novelist I'm now speaking 
from my vested position. My profes- 
sion is being eroded. When I began, 
good novelists were more important in 
the scheme of things. The irony is that 
the great novelists like Hemingway 
and Faulkner probably didn't sell as 
many copies per book as a few serious 
novelists sell now. But they were 
revered. They affected history. They 
had their impact on America. Hem- 


ingway was a prodigious influence for 
young American writers. He taught a 
lot of us how to look for the tensile 
strength of a sentence. 

I think a nation's greatness depends 
to a real extent on how well-spoken its 
citizens are. Good things develop out 
of a populace that really knows how to 
use the language and use it well. 
Would Great Britain have been able to 
manage its empire in the 19th century 
without the 300 and more years of 
reading Shakespeare? Where would 
Ireland be today without Joyce? Not as 
prosperous, I expect. As a language 
deteriorates—becomes less eloquent, 
less metaphorical, less salient, less 
poignant—a curious deadening of the 
human spirit comes seeping in. 

America has shifted from being a 
country with a great love of freedom 
and creativity—in constant altercation 
with those other Americans who wanted 
rule and order—into a country that’s 
now much more interested in power. 
And power, I can promise you, is not 
interested in metaphor. Metaphor is 
antagonistic to power because it pushes 
you to think in more poetic and con- 
tradictory ways. Power demands a uni- 
linear approach. Power does not 
welcome poetic concepts. 

JBM: But hasn't power always been a 
driving force in society? 
NM: Always. But it was situated among 
other driving forces, such as culture. 
and art and love of sports and good. 
architecture. Now it's as if corporate 
power has become the most dominant 
theme of our lives. In 10 more years, 
will we find a professional stadium that 
has not been named for a corporation? 
18m: Or a Broadway theater. The lack of 
Tage against that from the artistic com- 
munity is depressing but not surprising: 
The majority of the biggest celebrities 
today are manufactured by th 
corporations. It's hardly in then 
to attack the money, even if their bene- 
factor is turning the name of a theater 
into an advertisement for the company. 
Gone are the days when writers had the 
same influence as rock stars. Justin Tim- 
berlake, who I'm sure is a nice guy, 
should not be influencing a generation. 
He's a pop singer. He was created by 
Disney. Part of his job is not to have an 
opinion. Somewhere between the lines, 
I'm not sure where, it shifted from 
great minds speaking to the masses to 
celebrities speaking to the masses. 
NM: Be careful. You're too young to 
know how it was back then. Great 
minds almost never speak directly to 
the masses. 
JBM: Not directly. But Hemingway 
would write a piece, you would write a 
piece, and people would discuss it and. 
debate it, go back and forth — 
(continued on page 190) 


“Well, don't you think impulse purchases are the most fun?!” 


eing Dino 


WHY DEAN MARTIN IS THE COOLEST DEAD MAN WHO EVER LIVED. 
by Bill Zehme 


Witt you look at this beautiful bastard. Just look at him. 
Makes you feel better when you do, right? Thars Dean all 
over. That's what he does without doing anything, what he 
docs without actually even breathing anymore, come to think 
of it. Dead, he's still just that good. Never had a care, not 
him. Problems weren't his to ponder or possess. Never wanted 
you to have any, either. You were his pally—everybody was, 
whether he knew them or not. For instance, just the other day 
his grandkid Alex Martin told me, “For the first 15 years of 
my life, I thought my name was Pally.” About which what’ 
посто like? He was crazy, too. Frank Sinatra said so, which 
made it true. “My friend Mr. Dean Martin,” Sinatra said, “if 
he was in a casker, he would sit up and get funny, this guy. 
Pm serious.” (Sinatra's problem was he was always serious, 
Said Dean, simple as could be, "Frank takes things seriously. 
1 don't.) Dean saw things funny, famously. “How did all 
these people get in my room?" he'd ask onstage, gazing 
through drooped lids at those who came to love him so nice. 
To be in Dean's room, well, that was all you ever wanted— 


real casylike. metaphysical, very comfortable place, plenty 
warm, transcendent, cool, not too exciting (Sinatra was all 
about the exciting ring-a-ding whatever the hell it was), always 
sexy, always fun, just right. “I was loose as a deuce; I was as 
light as a kite,” he sang with some pretty little French broad 
50 years ago on a record called “Relax-Ay-Voo.” You prob 
ably heard it, sounding timeless as air, in a Microsoft com- 
mercial not so long ago, since this is the ultimate object of 
modern life, to relax-ay-voo, what with the world forever 
going ro hell and all, which is why-we can never рет гоо far 
away from Dean's room, no matter how dead he is. 

“Am I in town?” he often asked anyone within earshor, 
sublime existentialist that he was. (Always and no matter 
where this occurred, the answer would be in the affirmative, 
incsse you were wondering. Conversely ha veven аса all the 
more 50 with cach passing year, wherever you arc, so 100 is 
Dean. Just as he did four decades ago, he has slipped out from 
under the (retro) rubric of Rat Pack nihilism—of ephemeral 
cocktail consulship with leader Sinatra and the great Sammy 


"€ 
b 
4 
{ 
i 
| 


Davis Jr. and, in minor chords, Peter 
Lawford and Joey Bishop—and stepped 
forth into a sleek ubiquity all his own. 
(He never much went for crowds, any- 
way.) So here now is a plethora of Dean, 
singing all over movic and television 
soundtracks—The Sopranos, Swingers, 
Goodfellas, L.A. Confidential, Donnie 
Brasco, The West Wing, The Mexican, 
Return to Me, Payback, Panic, Made, 
Mickey Blue Eyes, Vegas Vacation, Babe: 
Pig in the City, A Bronx Tale, Home 
Alone 3, Lost and Found, Striptease, 
Reindeer Games, Moonstruck—how 
many italics do you want, because I 
could go on for a while. And there he is, 
sending glissandos unending across the 
glib commerce of Ragu, Nissan, 
Heineken, Audi, Kodak, Peugeot and 
Marriott—just for starters. Last June 
Capitol released a remastered 30-hit 
compilation, Dino: The Essential Dean 
Martin (“He was the coolest dude Га 
ever seen, period,” Stevie Van Zandt de- 
clares in the liner notes), which debuted 
at number 28 on the Billboard Top 100, 
was the fifth most downloaded album 
that week on iTunes and became his first 
gold record in 30 years. Differently than 
Sinatra (he of the bipolar genius and 
swaggering empowerment), Dean pro- 
vides smooth, winking succor to genera- 
tions anew: “I love him so much,” a 
bright 20-something female comedy pro- 
fessional wrote me m an e-mail, after let- 
ting on that Dean, bare-chested and with 
guitar, acts as her PC screen saver. “І сап 
think of no better way to spend the day 
than sitting with Dean Martin. Неерно- 
mizes cool, easy fun.” 

Well, yeah. 

Said Dean, “You gotta have fun, right? 
If not, you might as well lay down and 
let em throw dirt on you.” And so it was 
that his cab came—he more or less called 
for it himself—a few hours before dawn, 
nine Christmases аро. (Christmas With 
Dino, by the way, is Capitol’s newest re- 
mastered collection, now in stores every- 
where!) He was 78 and ready for the big 
relax-ay-voo so as to doze eternally, in 
his tuxedo with red pocket hanky and 
shiny black boots, shelved snug in a mar- 
ble drawer 10 minutes from home. The 
forever formal wear was supposed to be 
some giant secret—"Nobody knows 
that!” his agent blurted after the inter- 
ment (he forgot he'd already told те} — 
but who are we kidding here? “In regu- 
lar clothes, I'm nobody," Dean always 
said, too modestly. “In a tuxedo, Im a 
star.” Which isn’t to suggest he’s over- 
dressed for oblivion. “Dean looked 
more comfortable in a tux than most 
people do in their pajamas,” notes one 
of his TV producers, Lee Hale, in his 
memoir Backstage at the Dean Martin 
Show. On that remarkable variety hour, 
the bona fide cornerstone of NBC’s Must- 
See-TV Thursdays from 1965 to 1974, 


black tie wasn’t optional for anyone. Dean performed even the sketches in swank 
midnight attire with omnipresent cigarette, making most surreal his sales clerks, doc- 
tors and barbershop loiterers. The best of those shows—sparkling music segments 
especially—have now been spliced into home-video bounty, as was done with a later 
series, the quite awful, zillion-selling Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts, offered via 
peppy insomniac infomercials (or at www.deanvariety.com) to a world in which men 
like Dean dwell no longer. “Wanna know why the show’s a hit?” he once said of his 
variety show. “The reason is that it's the real me up there on the screen. Nothing 
phony. You take everybody else on TV, they're putting on an act, playin’ something 
they aren't. But when people tune me in, they know they're getting Dean Martin.” 


"ve got the real Dean Martin's tuxedo pants, by the way. Well, a pair of one of 
the hundreds he used to tug on, one leg at a time. I bought them for 80 bucks, I 
think, at a long-gone Santa Monica boutique called Star Wares. According to 
the authentication papers, somebody who worked for Shirley MacLaine 
brought them in (I refuse to consider the implications). His name was sewn 
into the waistband by the Las Vegas custom tailor Carmen-Lamola and dated 
October 1986 (which means Dean was 69 when he first wore them), two years after 
his appearance in Cannonball Run II (very sad) and less than two years before he, 
Sinatra and Sammy Davis embarked on the hopeless “Together Again” arena tour, 
which Dean quit after a week (sadder still). Never have I dared try them on (his mea- 
surements, in case you're wondering: waist 34, length 32), but a leggy blonde of my 
acquaintance did one memorable night, executing living-room grand pirouettes to 
moon-eye-pizza-pie accompaniment on the stereo. (I figured Dean wouldn't mind.) 
Otherwise they've stayed in the closet, except for once when I brought them (in a shop 
ping bag) to a Rat Pack panel discussion in New York, where my friend Nick Tosches, 
author of the seminal, unauthorized 1992 masterwork Dino: Living High in the Dirty 
Business of Dreams, offered me $500 on the spot for them. I laughed in his face. 


Two Dinos duke it out at the kitchen table 
(above left): When Dean Paul died in a 
1987 plane crash at the age of 36, his 
father spiraled into a depression and never 
fully recovered. The comedy team of 
Martin and Lewis (above) ruled showbiz 
from 1946 to 1956: “Үоц never had a 
handsome man and a monkey,” said Jerry 
Lewis. “Sex and slapstick—that's what we 
Out on the town with wife Jeanne 
(left): "Naturally women are attracted to 
him. It doesn't bother me at all. Where 
would he be if women weren't attracted to 
in 1968. Ten years later she 
said, “When I met Dean Martin it was love 
at first sight. | married him knowing 
nothing about him. 1 divorced him 23 years 
later, and 1 still know nothing about him.” 


Dean never read Dino (it preceded his 
departure by three years). Legend has it 
he read Black Beauty at age nine, cried 
and swore off all books thereafter. Upon 
meeting anyone who ever wrote one, 
he'd say, "Congratulations. I read one.” 
(*He used to love comic books," his for- 
mer monkey partner Jerry Lewis has 
said. *I used to buy most of them for 
him, because he wouldn't go to the 
fuckin' newsstand.") Let me say this: 
Tosches’s book, much like Tosches, is a 
dark, gorgeous motherfucker, in which 
Dean—born Dino Crocetti in hard- 
scrabble Steubenville, Ohio on June 7, 
1917—is also a dark gorgeous mother- 
fucker, albeit one who got extremely rich 
and famous. Think Kafka goes to Holly- 
wood, with music and pasta. Tosches's 
Dean swirls alone in haunted breezes, a 
tragic menefreghista—“one who does 
not give a fuck,” in the classic Italian— 
bent on enforcing, per Tosches, “the tac- 
iturn harboring close to the heart of any 
thought or feeling that ran too deeply; 
that emotional distance, that wall of 
lontananza between the self and the 
world." Well, yeah. That was Dean all 


over, except—according to those who 
loved him best—he wasn't one who did 
not give a fuck bitterly so much as in a 
fluffy, pleasant, I’m-just-gonna-go-play- 
golf-now-darlin’ kind of way, which is a 
distinction thar seems worth noting. 
Anyway, Warner Bros. bought the book 
for Martin Scorsese to direct and for 
Nicholas Pileggi (Goodfellas, Casino) to 
adapt for the screen, which he did (bril- 
liantly, apparently). Tom Hanks was at- 
tached to star. Scorsese then decided to 
make Gangs of New York instead, and 
everything fell apart. A guy I know who 
read the Pileggi script says, “It was beau- 
tiful, heartbreaking. It would have 
been—or still will be—amazing to watch 
Marty make a weepy. 

What, you might wonder, would 
Dean have made of such a film? It’s hard 
to judge for certain, but I do know that 
once, to Sinatra, apropos of not much, 
he uttered the following: “If you gonna 
go that way, I say remember the great 
words of Chef Boyardee, who said, ‘Get 
your balls out of my spaghetti" (All in 
all, Dean preferred Westerns; his own 
work in Howard Hawks’s Rio Bravo, 
with John Wayne, remains splendifer- 
ous.) Somewhere in the troubling screen- 
play, however, as maybe he did in life, he 
reportedly explains that if you don’t 
complain about your problems, they 
don’t exist. (About which, again, what's 
not to like?) Always he stuck fast to his 
story. "I'm a very happy man,” he'd say, 
and said it again, with much validity, to 
bellissima journalist Oriana Fallaci т 
1967—the very year he released his 
30th album, Happiness Is Dean Martin, 
and signed a record-breaking three- 
year, $34 million contract with NBC, 
which allowed him to skip all rehearsals 
and work only one day a week, for tap- 
ing. (“God!” he told Fallaci. "I am not 
worth it. What do I do? I do an hour, 
and out of that hour I sing maybe 10 
songs. The rest, I talk. And I make fun of 
my wife, of my children, of my mother- 
in-law, of myself, of my drinkin’.”) Ob- 
served Fallaci, ever astutely, “Happiness 
for him means avoiding boring compli- 
cations, then aging in a comfort earned 
through a success that was to him a con- 
tinuous surprise.” Said Dean, “You see, 
Pm а simple man. 


ack to the real Dean, also 
known (in waves of matura- 
tion) as Dino Martini; the 
Boy with the Tall, Dark, 
Handsome Voice; Admiral 
and Second-in-Command of 
the Rat Pack (no commanding re- 
quired—Sinatra did all of that); Dag (as 
in dago, this being Sinatra's private en- 
dearment for him); King Leer (he was 
TV's preeminent rascal); and maybe best 
for posterity, King of Cool (Elvis, who 
worshipped Dean, hung that one on 


him). As for his quintessence, 1 am keen on Tina Sinatra's privileged assessment. 
“The Sinatra children knew him as Uncle Dean," she writes. “He was warm and re 
liable, a big man with big hands, and he hugged like a bear. Though he had an air of 
authority, he was never intimidating—just the opposite, in fact. He loved to kid 
around. He approached young people at their level; 

he wasn't your typical patriarch." To that end, on 

stage he'd offer, “I have seven beautiful children. 

What are you applauding for? It took all of seven 

minutes! The three most popular phrases in my 

house are hello, good-bye and I’m pregnant.” His 

first marriage produced four children (Craig, Clau- 

dia, Gail, Deana), his second another three (Dean 

Paul, Ricci, Gina). He and the former Jeanne Bieg- 

ger, whom he married in 1949 and divorced in 1973 

(to his dying day he nevertheless called her “my 

wife, Jeanne”), raised the full litter atop Mountain 

Drive in Beverly Hills, a riotous household whose 

slippery master made sure, at most and least, to be 

present for family dinnertime. (“Save me a seat! 

he'd holler, happily inferring that he was ever screw- 

ing himself out of one.) Ricci and Deana Martin have cach published fine, honest 
memoirs of life with father—That's Amore (2002) and Memories Are Made of This 
(2004), respectively—companion son and daughter accounts, both of which grapple 
with and ultimately accept sweet paternal elusiveness. Both offspring recall savoring 
Dean's cleated footfalls on the kitchen tile upon his return (continued on page 186) 


Boys night out with Sammy and Frank (аһоуе): “Тһе three of us, we love each other, and we 
have more fun than the audience has,” said Dean. With Jeanne and baby Gina (below left). 
Milton Berle and a friend visit (below right): Berle talked to Dean shortly before the end." 
said, ‘Hello, baby) and kissed him on the cheek,” recalled Berte.“He said,'So long, pal” 


A 


md cancel all my other appointments until after the first of the year.” 


105 


Don’t worry about 
making that holi- 
day wish list this 
year—we've taken 


care of it for you 


4Now you have something to look at even 
when nothing good is on. Predicta’s Meteor TV 
($3,600) is a Buck Rogers-ero dreom, spectac- 
ularly reimagined with up-to-dote technologi- 
col guts, including a remote control and all the 
inputs for today’s medioscape. 


With its intuitive, 
iPod-style LCD-screen 
remote, Sonos's multi- 
o, room digitol music sys- 
d tem ($1,200) makes it 
easy to play your MP3 
collection throughout 

106 = PHOTOGRAPHY BY JAMES IMBROGNO the house. 


lLove money? Now you can 
wear your heart on your sleeve 
with these rhodium-plated cuff 
links ($110), part of Montblanc's 
Fun Collection. 


“Y Italion monufacturer Montegrappa 
made just 250 of these sterling Ferrari 
signature ballpoint pens ($1,300). If 
you want to pick one up, you'd better 
be quick about it. Like all things Ferrari, 
these babies are going fost. 


£^ 


А This is your face we're 
talking about—treat it 
with respect. Start with 
the Mach3-friendly nickel 
shaving set ($750) from 
the Art of Shaving. 


107 


New lens technology 
lets Cosio pack a 2.8X 
optical zoom and a 
3.2-megapixel sensor 
into the ultraslim chas- 
sis of the Exilim Card 
EX-S100 ($400). 


ООР үу) / 
ӨР, ТТІ LL py / 
guo BE me 2227. 


A Breitling added a sec- 
ond time-zone display 
to its classic Navitimer 
chronograph. The result: 
the new Navitimer World 
($5,350). Time zones for 
major cities are engraved 
on the case back. 


Somsung's YP-T5V MP3 player ($180) is small enaugh to be 
warn as jewelry but has space for more than four hours of music. 
Plus, WOW sound technology enhances MP3 playback quality. 


Tour Edge claims its new 
Exotics 3-wood ($400) can 
outdistance all others. Plus, 
it’s sexy, in a golf club kind of 
way. Of course, that won't 
help if you can't hit straight. 
Keep that head down! 


У The apex of easy-to-set- 
up home-theater-in-a-box 
systems, Klipsch's Cinema 
10 speakers ($1,545) im- 
merse you in 575 watts of 
surround, ond they look 
as good as they sound. 


aS 
4 


77 A slim profile and a single- 
piece etched metallic key- - 
= ^ pad make Motorola's Razr 
= V3 (price not set) as much at 
home in Minority Report as 
* on the runways in Milan. 


\ Rawlings’s three- 
gusset computer brief- 
case ($345) is made of 
the same leather the 
company uses in its top- 
end baseball gloves. 


110 


«You don't really want о 
laptop to be small, just 
thin. Sony's Vaio VGN- 
X505 ($3,000) gives you 
most of the amenities of 
a full-freight portable, 
along with a 1.1-giga- 
hertz processor, yet it tips 
jhe scoles ot under two 
pounds ond is less than 
an inch thick. Pull it out in 
the coffee shop and let 
the staring commence. 


Need o light? S.T. 
Dupont's midnight 
blue Gotsby ($690) 
is the Jaguar of light- 
ers: sleek, sexy and 
gas powered. 


Y This is not your father's Harley. Nor is it your mother's. It’s all yours—merry Christmos. The 2005 Horley-Davidson 
V-Rod cruiser ($16,500) combines serious muscle with lots of class. The muscle: a 1,130cc liquid-cooled, fuel-injected 
V-twin engine that pumps out a meaty 115 horsepower and redlines at an impressive 9,000 rpm. The class: You're look- 


ing at it. Hop on. You can thank us later. 
— Та 
N 


et. 4 
ат ) 

Geek, meet chic. Тһе silver- 
plated USB Flash Data Disk 
by Links of London ($150) is 


the first tech gizmo to com- 
plement а tailored suit. 


> Sony's Qualia 010 
headphones ($2,600): 
beauty, comfort and 
true high-res audio- 
phile sound all rolled | 


into one. Delicious. \ 


WHERE AND HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 204. 


Dear 

Genetics, 

Thank you for the 

boobs! YES, they 

FIT!!! | use them 

every day. 1010 

Jimmy Kimmel’s 

show, and he stare | 

at my boobs! 1919 

The View, and Joy - 

Behar stared at my 

boobs! 1 дід the 

MTV Awards, 

and the whole planet wo 

stared at my boobs! My boobs rule! People thought the 
Olsen twins were such hot jailbait until—bazoom! 019 
guys everywhere are all staring at my boobs, espectally 


now that I’m legal! I win! I win! 


Dear George Bush, 

Thank you for the truck- 

load of junk food. I 

ate the entire 

Whitman’s 

Sampler 3 

in one 

sitting, then 

I took all the 

Moon Pies 

apart and built a 

17-decker—a 

personal record! 

Sometimes ! wonder if 

you're fattening me up to 

make me less photogenic, 

which would enhance my raving- 

lunatic persona, which would discredit my movies, 
which would make the Iraq war look like a good 
idea, which would make you loo! а good presi- 
dent. Nah—couldn’t be. Just being paranoid, | guess. 
Big daddy has a sweet tooth—keep it coming. 


Michael 


Dear Coach Wannstedt, 

I'm so stoned! Holiday greetings from 
Asia! Thanks for all the times when, 
after I was pulverized by some 400- 
pound lineman, you called me a panty- 
waist or a girlie man. If not for that, I 
wouldn't be here in Bangkok smoking 
hash with this really hot naked girl! 
(See enclosed photo.) Yesterday I 
prayed with the Dalai Lama. He's a 
renowned holy man who you'd probably 
call a bald-headed pussy. I love that! 
Boy, do I miss having my ribs cracked 
all the time! This afternoon I'm getting 
a massage from Miss Cambodia. 


Dear Paris, 

Thanks for being the maid of honor at my quickie 
Vegos wedding. Being married is neat. even if I 
don’t understand half, the shit my 33-year-old Ory 
League groom says. Who is this Zelda Fitzger- 
ald he keeps comparing me to? Whatever. You 
stood by me during my 

engagement—it was a | 

tough 45 minutes, espe- 

cially since Y was so 

wasted. Wait till 

you see the videos we 

made on oux honey- 

moon—they make 

your tape look like 

Joanie Loves Chachi. 

My обоих axe stil sere. 

Love, 

Nicky 


Dear Doc, 
Happy Hanukkah, and thanks 
again for the methyl- 
_ chlorosolophaniminine 
— and the megapropostali- 
zonyninol. The French 
and Germans are right, as 
always. They just have 
no idea hou much I 
cheat! The other day 
Tcutmy finger 
accidentally and green goo poured out! How cool is 
that? Also, Sheryl wanted to thank you for that age- 
reversing serum. Who knew she was actually 72 years 
old? She's a little piece of chicken. ain't she? Here's to 
another year of fun and games. 
Best, 
lance Armstrong 


Door Jesus, 
Happy birthday! Lo. 


thee thanks for such 
a wonderfully holy 
and—how 

shall J put 
this?—spicitually 


lucrative year. You | 
saw fit to bestow 

upon me health, 

wisdom, serenity and 


roughly $370 million in box office gross. 
Amen to that! raise Jesus, for he is 
good! Де is very good! J spendeth much in 
thy bonor on whatever the hell J want! Lo. 
‚And іп this note J give unto thee thanks. 
Love, 
Mel Gibson 


Dear little Frannie Baranie, 

Thanks so much for your handmade card and poem. 
Youre getting so grown up! | love and miss you, baby, 
but this is not what 1 asked for. Remember when 1 said 
either horse or blow? I cant snort а poem. You at least 
could have gotten me those little green pills. Youre 
the daughter of two rock stars—it should be 

easy for you to score. Also, I 


114 


A MASTER OF CHARM, HE 


Posar was a master with the large- 
format 8 x10 Deardorff camera (above). 
Expressive Donna Michelle (top) was 
PLAYBOY's December 1963 Playmate. 
Posar found Playmate Patti McGuire 
(right) in the St. Louis Playboy Club, 
where she worked as a Bunny. Opposite 
page: A collaboration with Salvador Dali, 
The Erotic World of Salvador Dali (1974). 


COULD TALK A WOMAN OUT OF HER CLOTHES 


R 
E 


ompeo Posar was the dean of PLayBoy photographers, with 65 
published Playmate Centerfolds and 40 PLaYBoy covers to his 
credit. He traveled the world for the magazine, shooting celebri- 
ties, fashion, food, cars and, most of all, beautiful women. Thou- 
sands of beautiful women. He loved them, and they loved him 
His greatest talent wasn't his technical expertise with cameras 
and lights. It was his charm. 

Posar was born in the Adriatic port city of Trieste, on the border 
of Yugoslavia and Italy. In early 1960 he took his camera to a local 
television station in Chicago to photograph a show about foll 
dancing. Hugh Hefner and the original Playboy’s Penthouse TV 
show were being filmed on an adjacent stage. Posar used the 
opportunity to take photos of Hefner and his guests and eventu- 
ally sent the pictures to Hef. Soon Posar was working as a staff 
photographer for the magazine, and he quickly emerged as 
PLAYBOY's number one photographer of women 

Now he is gone. We'll carry on with the job of photographing 
beautiful women, but Pompeo Poser will not be replaced. He was 
one of a kind and truly the prince of pLaysoy photography. 


ENTERTAINMENT FOR MEN FEBRUARY 1967 475 


AYBOY 


Beth Hyatt Cover, November 1965 Helen Kirk Cover, February 1967 


Donna Michelle Cover, May 1964 Patti McGuire Cover, November 1976 


: 


See more of Pompeo Posar's work at cyber.playboy.com. 


Donna Michelle Playmate of the Year 1964 


ЧА 


Laura Young Centerfold, October 1962 Cyndi Wood Centerfold, February 1973 


118 Patti McGuire Centerfold, November 1976 


JATMAN 


“BATON 


WHEN YOU'RE WILLING TO РАУ $10,000 FOR COMIC-BOOK 
PANELS, YOU TEND TO BECOME OBSESSED TOO OBSESSED 


ONE EVENING IN 1997, а comic-book artwork restorer named Rick returned to me a piece I'd sent him 
more a year earlier. He returned it only under duress. More precisely, he was limping and had a black eye. 

When I'd given him the cover of Captain America #117—which featured the initial appearance of one of the first 
African American superheroes, the Falcon—he said he would have it back in three weeks. Three weeks became six, then 
a year, and then | got a phone call from someone who trafficked in comic-book-artwork rumors. Rick, I was quietly 
informed, had been helping himself to some of the pieces with which he'd been entrusted, and he'd finally taken high-end 
material from a man who had ugly connections, a man who now owned Rick. If | wanted my art back, I should call a phone 
number with an area code encompassing a somewhat northern area of New Jersey. 

When | did so, a polite voice on the other end told me I'd get my art back in 48 hours. “We simply have to remind Rick 
he can be touched,” the voice explained. Click. 


IN THIS FAMOUS BATTLE, SPIDER-MAN 
TAKES ON DR. OCTOPUS. PENCILED BY GIL 
КАМЕ AND INKED BY JOHN ROMITA IN 1970, 
IT ENDS WITH THE DEATH OF GWEN STACY'S 
FATHER. NOTE THE CONTORTIONS, FORE- 
SHORTENING AND IMPOSSIBLE PERSPEC- 
TIVES OF THE IMAGES. GOT THE BUG? GOTO 
GROUPS.Y AHOO,COM/GROUP/COMICART-L 
FOR COLLECTOR CONTACTS, АМР TO 
WIZARDUNIVERSE.COWCONVENTIONS AND 
COWIC-CON.ORS FOR INFO ОМ SHOWS. 


| 17 INCHES, THE ORIGINAL Al 
| TWICE AS LARGE AS A COMIC B 


And so Rick showed up at my neighborhood Starbucks two days 
later holding the newly restored Captain America cover in its Mylar 
sleeve, looking as if he was about to cry and turning his black eye 
away from me. 

“They said they were going to break my legs,” he whispered. 
“Please don't call them again.” | assured him | wouldn't. But for me 
it was in one ear and out the other: The important thing was that 
he'd removed the glue residue and staining from my artwork. 

As he limped to his car, | kept holding the cover up to the cafe 
lights to admire it. Great cover. Subtle Gene Colan pencils, bold Joe 
Sinnott inks, dramatic staging of the Falcon, Cap and some low-rent 
villains. Absolutely worth the thousand bucks it had cost in the first 
place, the $200 to restore it and the efforts I'd made to get it back. 

When 1 told my girliriend about ali this, she was horrified. I'd 
found out that the black eye wasn't because of my phone call but 
had appeared courtesy of yet another client whose stuff Rick had 
stolen, but she wasn't mollified. "What are you getting yourself 
into?" she asked, and | couldn't exactly answer her. 

USA Today once published a pie chart showing what keeps peo- 
ple up at night—career worries, their children's future. | couldn't 
sleep some nights because | wondered where all the pre-1965 
twice-up Marvel Comics covers were. Why wouldn't Walt Simonson 
sell his Thor art? Why did only unpublished H.G. Peter Wonder 
Woman pages turn up? 

For reasons not entirely explicable, | buy, sell and trade the art- 
work from comic books. This is embarrassing. | would like to pre- 
tend the embarrassment is mitigated by the new respect paid to 
comics via Chris Ware's Jimmy Corrigan: The Smartest Kid on 
Earth and Art Spiegelman's Maus, but citing those names is rather 
like rattling off champagne vintages in some half-slurred defense of 
my prone position in the local gutter. Tom Field, a friend who 
thought he could stop collecting after buying one Tomb of Dracula 

— page (he now has 175 of them), 
has quantified the hobby for 
me: Comic books, even rare 
ones, exist in multiple copies. 
But there's only one of each 
page of original artwork. If 
Comic books are like cocaine, 
artwork is like crack. 

“Y 

For years, when a comic 
artist sat down at his table, the 
drawings he penciled and 
inked were valued only until 
the funnies were printed; then 
they could be discarded or, as 
King Features allegedly did 
with Prince Valiant artwork, 
used to plug a leaky roof. Over 
the years, employees spirited 
thousands of pages out of 
publishers’ warehouses, either 
because they loved the stuff or 
because they realized they 
could sell it to a slowly growing 
fan base. By the mid-1970s, 
when comics themselves were 
becoming valuable, artists got 
their work back contractually 
and sold it to people like me. 
THS CLASSIC COVER FROM MAR- 
VEL COMICS" SILVER AGE, WITH 


JACK KIRBY PENCILS AND JOE 
SINNOTT INKS, IS WORTH $75,000, 


| 


My origin story, lame by any il 
standard, fits the pattern of 
my peers. | read comic books 
from 1972 to 1977, from the 
age of eight to the age of 13, 
when my parents’ divorce was 
at its most ruthless, The 
three-second psychoanalysis „И 
is exactly correct: | remember 
those four-color funny books 
as friendly islands of solace 
during painful times. When 1 
shuttled to my father’s new 
home in Chicago and he held 
hands with his new wife, it 
was easier for me to pay strict 
attention to the latest Marvel 

ж BLACK GOLIATH #5, FEATURING ӨЙ. 
Treasury Edition. When | Was KANE PENCILS AND AL MLSROM INKS, 


ii Я ISA GREAT EXAMPLE OF 19705 BLAX- 
back in San Francisco and my рад 
mother was out on a date, 1 


would stay up reading and rereading the gloomy and unsettling 
Giant-Size Man Thing #4 until | heard her key in the lock, and then 
I'd slap off the light and pretend to be asleep. 

I did odd jobs and collected soda bottles in the summer of 1977, 
and in August of that year | went to а comic-book convention and 
bought page 30 of Fantastic Four #183 for $12. And there the awful 
slope began. By 1997 | was buying up to $9,000 worth of art at a 
time. | should mention that | was a graduate student then, making 
$12,000 a year. | managed because | had an outstanding talent for 
playing credit cards—I was the John Coltrane of balance transfers. 

Though this is clearly insane, my father has always understood it. 
Dad—who at the age of 73 cruises eBay for scientific instruments, 
watches and slide rules—has passed to me whatever defective gene 
treasures material things above the company of people. But collecting 
never actually makes you happy, except for a moment. All collectors, 
including myself, are programmed to forget this at key moments, 
such as when a new object appears before our now occluded vi- 
sion. Right before doing a deal, we have the anxiety, the sweaty 
palms, the desire. After the deal there’s the swaggering feeling of 
having bagged a trophy: the careful admiration of the pen work, the 
drafting, the heroic poses, the subtle details—half-erased pencil 
marks, margin notes, the Comics Code Authority stamp—and the 
production detritus such as Wite-Out, pasteups, “continued page 
after next" stats, the coffee-like stain of printer's ink. And then, when 
it goes into your portfolio or onto the wall, there’s this creeping urge, 
a need for more. It's a little like the most (continued on page 200) 


BELOW, THO LANDMARK ISSUES, T HE ARTWORK OF THE 198 1Л-МЕМ SPLASH 
PAGE ( JOHN BYRNE PENCILS, TERRY AUSTIN INKS) RUNS ABOUT $35,000. 
GSPIDER WANS DEATH OF GWEN STACY (RIGHT) HAS PENCILS BY GIL KANE, 
INKS BY JOHN ROMITA AND A PRICE TAGOF $250,000 FOR T HE WHOLE BOOK, 


SHOCKER-- 


„АЛ | 
"MOON «: WOLF! 


\ 


\ ы TRADED RECENTLY FOR ABOUT 
PA $55,000, THE 11-BY- 17-INCH PANEL 
X | ABOVE IS THE LAST 54744V COVER 


S 
\ \ м 
Dal X > PENEILED AND INKED BY NEAL ADAMS 


COMI KI 
LACKOFTYPE AND CAPTIONS ADDS. 
TOTHIS PIECE'S ARTISTIC MERIT. 


TO CREATE A FLAWLESS ROMANTIC DINNER 


FOR TWO, ALL YOU NEED 15 THE RECIPES, 


THE INGREDIENTS AND THE AMBIENCE— 


SHE'LL DO THE REST 


Bv A.J. BAIME 


urely, it’s the oldest trick in the book. Man cooks 
dinner for woman, thinking he'll be rewarded for 
his toil and that he'll have her for dessert. But it's 
such an old trick, it's practically a lost art. In our 
office alone, tales of failure abound. One guy lops 
off his thumb and loses it in the folds of his lasagna. 
Another guy ignores his date the entire evening 
as he crashes around the kitchen, tenser than the 
trout he’s got in the oven as he wades through 
the snowdrifts of flour he's spilled on the floor. 

A simple truth: If done right, a candlelit dinner 
for two will have the woman in your life eating out 
of the palm of your hand. An evening of elegant 
food, drink and ambience is every woman's weak- 
ness, and the holidays are the perfect time to cre- 
ate a romantic hideaway in your own home. She's 
tired. She's been elbowing her way through the 
bargain-shopping mobs, enduring catcalls on the 
street from drunk guys in Santa suits. She's steel- 
ing herself for the trip home, where she'll find a 
stocking stuffed with family drama. She's also the 
most beautiful woman you know (or at least the 
most beautiful one sleeping in your bed at the 
moment), and there's no better way to express 
your respect and desire for her than by sweating 
it out in the kitchen. Just beware: The notion of 
food as foreplay can be a cliché. Your dinner must 
be handled with tact and originality. 

RULE NUMBER ONE: The key to a successful 
evening is getting all the work done in advance so 
you can enjoy yourself as it all goes as planned. 
You're the host as well as the chef, and you have 
to be free to keep her company. Think of the 
night as a fantasy; as with any good fantasy, the 
details bring it to life. The wine, the napkins, the 
lighting—your style choices should coalesce like 
the ingredients in a soup. You're creating a per- 
fect balance, just the right vibe. Fine dishes and 


silverware can make any cook seem more skilled 
than he actually is, just as the right clothes 
enhance his appearance. A fire is a no-brainer as 
long as it’s in the fireplace, and candles are imper- 
ative. Candlelight brings out the highlights in food 
and makes you both better looking. It can also 
hide imperfections in the room. As one writer 
once noted about a dinner party, "If people can't 
see and they have plenty to drink, you're already 
on the road to success." 

Most important, beware of mood killers. Red 
roses and cologne miasma are clichés; yellow roses 
and a bathtub full of champagne (or prosecco, if 
you prefer) are not. The ultimate gaffe? Trying too 
hard. The ultimate goal? To make your date 
excited yet comfortable enough to want to take her 
clothes off. Nudity is never a bad thing ata dinner 
party, unless you're the only one who's naked. 

RULE NUMBER Two: When it comes to music, 
make sure to hit the right note. Music is like salt in 
that it complements everything. But if you add too 
much, it takes charge. Ella Fitzgerald, for exam- 
ple, can make an overcooked steak taste like a per- 
fect medium-rare. Courtney Love can make a 
steak taste like Hole, and that's a little scary. When 
laying out the sounduack, follow your date's cues. 
If she's wearing khakis and a yellow cardigan, 
avoid ОГ Dirty Bastard. Red light: Barry White, 
Sade, Marvin Gaye. Green light: Al Green, early 
Sinatra, Portishead. Keep the volume low, and 
never stop her in mid-conversation to change the CD. 

RULE NUMBER THREE: Do not stuff a woman 
the way you would a sausage casing. Portions and 
pacing are key—not too much, not too quickly. 
The cocktail comes first, of course. You should 
also have some delicate noshes ready when she 
arrives, simple pleasures such as quality olives and 
cheeses that aren't too quotidian. If there's a lull 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY ARNY FREYTAG 


128 


in the conversation, you can always talk about what's on the 
table: "Cheese is fascinating. Wherever you go it's different. 
Charles de Gaulle once said, ‘How can you govern a country 
that has 246 varieties of cheese?” After the drinks are pol- 
ished off—two if she's a party girl—its dinnertime 

We've chosen our menu carefully. It's seasonal, and you 
can get most of the work done the day before (the food will 
taste even better) so that you can attend to her whims vhen 
she shows up. And while these dishes don't call too much 
attention to themselves, they do offer the opportunity to show 
some skill and sorcery. A great dish will leave a guest not only 
delighted but slightly confused, wondering how you pulled 
it off. That's the magic. 


FIRST COURSE: CHESTNUT SOUP 


This holiday classic couldn't be more elegant or less labor- 
intensive. The recipe is courtesy of New York Times cooking 
columnist Mark Bittman 
(a.k.a. The Minimalist), with 
one suggested addition. See 
Where and How to Buy on page 
204 for suggestions on where 
to get the finest ingredients. 


10 chestnuts (frozen if you 
can't find fresh) 

2 cups chopped celery 

X cup chopped white onion 

1 tablespoon butter 

4 cups good chicken stock 

Salt and pepper 

1 piece minced crispy bacon 
for garnish 

Optional: 2 tablespoons heavy 
cream 


Preheat oven to 350 degrees 
and roast chestnuts for 15 
minutes. Cutting an X into 
the shell beforehand will 
cause the skins to break open when they heat. Letthem cool, 
then peel (skip this step if you get frozen nuts). In a soup 
pot, sauté the celery and onion in butter for 10 minutes over 
medium heat, being careful not to brown them. Add chest- 
nuts and chicken stock, season with salt and pepper, and 
bring to a boil. Lower heat and simmer, partially covered, 
for 30 minutes. Stir in cream if you want to use it, then puree 
the soup and pass it through a fine strainer. Add water if the 
soup is too thick. Serve hot and garnish with minced bacon. 


ENTREE: COQ AU VIN 


This version of the classic dish is Julia Child's, with some 
tweaks. Serves four (you won't mind the leftovers, trust us). 


% cup chopped bacon 

1 three-pound chicken, butchered (two thighs, two breasts, 
two drumsticks, all on the bone) 

1 сир flour 

Butter for sautéing 

1 large carrot, peeled and chopped 

1 medium white onion, chopped 

2 cloves garlic, chopped 

1% cups chicken stock 

3 cups hearty red vine 

1 teaspoon tomato paste 

2 sprigs fresh thyme (or % teaspoon dried) 

1 bay leaf 

Salt and pepper 


WHERE AND HDW TD BUY DN PAGE 20: 


There's а reason the recipe for coq au vin hasn't changed 
much in centuries. It’s all about patience and tradition. 


12 small pearl onions, peeled 
3 cups cremini mushrooms (substitute: white mushrooms) 
Chopped parsley for garnish 


Sauté bacon in a large casserole until crisp, then set aside, 
leaving the fat in the pan. Season and flour the chicken parts 
and brown them in the bacon fat and a little butter. Set them 
aside with the bacon. Sauté the carrot, white onion and gar- 
lic over medium heat for about six minutes, scraping up the 
bits from the bottom of the pan. Add the stock, wine, tomato 
paste, thyme and bay leaf, and season with salt and pepper. 
Bring to a boil, stir, and then add the chicken parts and 
bacon back in. Turn the heat to low, cover, and read Remem- 
brance of Things Past for the next hour, basting the chicken 
occasionally, flipping it once or twice. (You can also use this 
time to peel your pearl onions, which can be a bitch.) Turn 
off the heat, remove chicken parts, and set them aside. 
Once the sauce has cooled, skim off as much fat as possi- 
ble, then pour it into a fine 
strainer over a container, 
squeezing out every last bit 
of juice. То finish the dish, 
wash out the casserole, then 
lightly brown the pearl 
onions in butter. Add mush- 
rooms, sautéing another two 
minutes, then put the 
chicken parts and sauce back 
in. Cover and simmer on low 
heat for 20 minutes, and it's 
done. If the sauce is too 
thick, add a little water; if it's 
too thin, uncover and cook 
some more. Plate two pieces 
with mashed, roasted or 
boiled potatoes, garnish with 
parsley, and serve with a 
medium-bodied red wine—a 
merlot, Cóte du Rhone ог 
chianti, for example. 


DESSERT: CHOCOLATE POT DE CREME 


Ifa pot de créme does not bring about the desired result, 
the evening is a wash. Forget about it. This version comes 
from The Balthazar Cookbook. Serves three. 


% cup heavy cream 

% cup whole milk 

4 cup sugar 

% teaspoon vanilla extract 

4 ounces semisweet chocolate in pieces 
3 large egg yolks 


Preheat oven to 250 degrees. In a saucepan, mix the cream, 
milk, sugar and vanilla and bring to a boil over medium 
heat. Remove from heat and slowly whisk in chocolate until 
smooth. In a large bowl, beat the egg yolks for onc minute, 
then stir in the chocolate mixture (make sure it's cooled a 
little so it doesn't cook the yolks). Whisk until smooth. If 
there are any chunks, pass through a strainer. Pour the mix- 
ture into ramekins and place them in a casserole or baking 
pan. Fill the pan with cold water so that it creeps halfway up 
your chocolate dishes. Cover the pan with foil and care- 
fully put in the oven for one hour and 15 minutes. When 
done, the custard will jiggle slightly in the center. Take the 
pots de créme out of the water, let them cool for half an hour, 
and then refrigerate. Serve cool, no garnish necessary. 


“Then again, there is also much to be said for the 12 nights of Christmas!” 


129 


THE REVENGE OF THE 


СӨ FATHER 


A STARTLING PREVIEW 


OF THE NEW SEQUEL 


TO MARIO PUZO’S 


THE GODFATHER 


па cold spring Monday after- 

noon in 1955, Michael Cor- 

leone summoned Nick Geraci 

to meet him in Brooklyn. As 
the new don entered his late father’s 
house on Long Island to make the call, 
two men dressed like grease monkeys 
watched a television puppet show, wait- 
ing for Michael’s betrayer to deliver him 
and marveling at the tits on the corn-fed 
blonde puppeteer. 

Michael, alone, walked into the raised 
corner room his late father had used as 
an office. He sat behind the little rolltop 
desk that had been Tom Hagen's. The 
consigliere's desk. Michael would have 
called from home—Kay and the kids left 
this morning to visit her folks in New 
Hampshire—except that his phone was 
tapped. So was the other line in this 
house. He kept them that way to mislead 
listeners. But the inventive wiring that 
led to the phone in this office—and the 
chain of bribes that protected it—could 
have thwarted an army of cops. Michael 
dialed. He had no address book, just a 
knack for remembering numbers. The 
house was quiet. His mother was in Las 
Vegas with his sister Connie and her 
kids. On the second ring Geraci's wife 
answered. He barely knew her but greet- 
ed her by name (Charlotte) and asked 
about her daughters. Michael avoided 
the phone in general and had never be- 
fore called Geraci at home. Ordinarily or- 
ders were buffered, three men deep, to 
ensure nothing could be traced to the 
don. Charlotte gave quavering answers 
to Michael's polite questions and went to 
get her husband. 

Nick Geraci had already put in a long 
day. Two heroin-bearing ships, neither of 
which was supposed to arrive from Sicily 
until next week, had shown up late last 
night, one in New Jersey, the other in 
Jacksonville. A lesser man would be in 
prison now, but Geraci had smoothed 
things over by hand-delivering a cash 


FICTION BY MARK WINEGARDNER 


PLAYBOY 


132 


donation to the pension fund of the International 
Brotherhood of Teamsters, whose men in Florida had 
performed like champs, and by paying a visit (and a 
sizable tribute) to the Stracci family capo, who con- 
trolled the docks in north Jersey. By five, Geraci was 
exhausted but home, in his backyard in East Islip, 
playing horseshoes with his two girls. A two-volume 
history of Roman warfare he'd just started reading sat 
next to the armchair in his den, in position for later 
tonight. When the phone rang Geraci was a few sips 
into his second Chivas and water. He had T-bones siz- 
zling on his barbecue and a Dodgers-Phillies double- 
header on the radio. Charlotte, who'd been in the 
kitchen assembling the rest of the meal, came out 
onto the patio, carrying the phone with the long cord, 
her face drained of color. 

“Hello, Fausto." The only other person who called 
Nick Geraci by his given name was Vincent Forlenza, 
who'd stood as Geraci's godfather in Cleveland. "I'd like 
you to be a part of this thing Tessio arranged. Seven 
o'clock at this place called Two Toms. Do you know it?" 

The sky was blue and cloudless, but anyone watch- 

ing Charlotte rush to herd the girls inside might have 
thought she'd learned a hurricane was bearing down 
Island. 
" Geraci said. "I eat there all the time.” It was 
a test, He was either supposed to ask about this 
thing Tessio had arranged or he wasn't. Geraci had 
always been good at tests. His gut feeling was to be 
honest. “But 1 have no idea what you're talking 
about. What thing?" 

“Some important people are coming from Staten 
Island to sort things out." 

Staten Island meant the Barzinis, who had that place 
sewn up. But if Tessio had set up peace talks with 


Michael and Don Barzini, why was Geraci hearing it from 
Michael and not Tessio? Geraci stared at the flames in 
his barbecue pit. Then it came to him what must have 
happened. He jerked his head and silently cursed. 

Tessio was dead. Probably among many others. 

The meeting place was the tip-off. Tessio loved that 
place—which meant that most likely he'd contacted 
Barzini himself and that either he or Barzini had set up a 
hit on Michael, which Michael had somehow anticipated. 

Geraci poked the T-bones with a long steel spatula. 
“You want me there for protection or at the table or 
what?" he said. 

"That was a hell of a long pause." 

"Sorry. Had to get some steaks off the grill here." 

“| know what you're worried about, Fausto, but not 
why.” 

Did he mean Geraci had nothing to worry about? Or 
that he was trying to figure out what if any role Geraci 
had played in Tessio's betrayal? “Well, pilgrim,” Geraci 
answered in his best John Wayne, "| ain't so much wor- 
ried as | am saddle sore and plum tuckered out." 

"Excuse me?” 

Geraci sighed. "Even in the best of times I'm a wor- 
rier" He felt a tide of gallows humor rise in him, 
though he spoke flatly. “So shoot me." 

"That's why you're so good.” Michael said. "The wor- 
rying. It's why ! like you." 

"Then you'll forgive me if | point out the obvious,” 
Geraci said, "and tell you to take a route there you'd 
never ordinarily take. And also to avoid Flatbush." 

Now it was Michael's turn for a long pause. "Flat- 
bush, huh? How do you figure that?" 

"Bums're home.” 

"Of course," Michael said. 

"The Dodgers. Second 


(continued on page 213) 


FI CECIN GTPUZORS SHOES 


A Q&A WITH MARK WINEGARDNER, THE NEW DON OF MOB FICTION 


Sometime after Mario Puzo died in 
1999, Random House began to con- 
sider finding an author to write a se- 
quel to The Godfather. How did you 
end up being the lucky guy? 

The editor in chief at Random House 
sent an e-mail to a handful of writers 
he thought might do a good job and 
asked for a proposal. Somebody leaked the e-mail to 
The New Yorker, and the search became a media cir- 
cus. Random House was inundated with proposals. 
They ended up narrowing it down to three dozen 
writers. At the end of the day they picked me. 

If people haven't read the book but have seen the 
movies, will they understand The Godfather Returns? 

| didn't have any obligation to the movies, because 
this is a sequel to the novel, But | knew that although 
tens of millions of people have read The Godfather, 
hundreds of millions have seen the movies. So ! nei- 
ther mention nor contradict anything in the movies. 

What unique elements do you bring to the God- 
father story? What did Puzo leave out? 


I make how Fredo dies more explicit. In The Godfa- 
ther Il the Corleones have relocated to Nevada; I show 
them actually moving. Neither the book nor the three 
movies show anyone getting initiated into the Cor- 
leone family. The Mafia has these intricate, operatic 
tiation rites, and I thought that was too juicy to avoid. 
The movies don't dig into the fact that if Michael Cor- 
leone had been a real person he would have been the 
second-youngest Mafia don ever. His youth and inex- 
perience don't ever surface as an issue; in real life they 
would have. It's actually very uncommon to hand off 
power in the Mafia from father to son. If the Corleone 
family were real, Michael's father, Vito, would probably 
have let Tessio or Clemenza run things, with Michael 
as the heir apparent until he was ready. The old guys 
who were passed over to head the family would have 
sought revenge because Vito gave the top spot to a kid 
who had never earned five cents for the organization. 

Do you think Puzo would have liked your book? 

I never met Mario, but I'm told he was a risk taker. 
And | think the hoopla surrounding the publication of 
The Godfather Returns would have warmed his heart. 


“But, darling, I thought I got everything you had last Christmas!” 


133 


Miss December 
¡arrives unwrapped 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY STEPHEN WAYDA 


Super Bowl in 1999 against 
the Broncos and lost, but | 
was happy just to be there. | 
had never cheered or danced 
professionally before." Her 
next adventure involved en- 
tering the Miss USA pageant, 
where, as Miss Georgia USA 
2001, she finished as second 
runner-up, “The idea to do a 
pageant came after ! worked 
as a flight attendant," she 
says. “I enjoyed being social 
with the passengers. | tried to 
look tailored—to be a throw- 
back to the good old days. 
Sometimes I'd get in trouble 
because my skirt was too 
short or my hair wasn't right. 
га be like, "I'm just trying to 
look fabulous, people!” 

Next, country music star 
Toby Keith cast Tiffany as the 
playful vixen in his "Who's 
Your Daddy?" video. “Now | 
get recognized anywhere 
country music is popular, 
she says. "I have spoofed my- 
self in other videos, playing 
everything from a farmer's 
daughter to a tap-dancing en. 
velope. Glamorous, huh? But 
1 like to make people laugh.” 

Miss December's large 
extended family has holiday 
cheer to spare, dressing as 
pilgrims and Indians on 
Thanksgiving and as elves 
for Christmas. "For years | 
thought everyone did it," she 
says. “Now | look at pictures 
and think, Lunatics!” 

When asked what she 
wants from Santa Claus this 
season, Tiffany responds 
with a knowing smile. “I'm a 

intenance person, | 

she says. “I drive а 
pickup truck and wear jeans 
and a T-shirt every day. I've 
dated poor guys, millionaires 
and men in between, But 
there is a side of me that likes 
being spoiled. | love jewelry 
and | like tokens of affection, 
but | would just as well go to 
a football game and eat a hot 
dog and nachos. | just hap- 
pen to love the old-fashioned 
way of being courted." 


“I's definitely advantageous for 
а waman to have с Southern 
accent,” says Miss December, 
wha was born in Florida and lives 
in Tennessee. “It just seems like 
people lave ta hear you talk. 
Oftentimes people think you're 
extremely charming and demure, 
like a Southern belle.” 


See more of Miss December at cyber.playboy.corn. 


PLAYMATE DATA SHEET 


NAME: 


BUST: AGEL HIPS MODA 
HEIGHT: Gf" WEIGHT: 115 


BIRTH DATE: 451-74 _ BIRTHPLACE: A laududale Ap.. 
Dal hive to Contin.) huy Garn 
AMBITIONS: 


QUA РТ ДАРАА 


WHY I LOVE TENNESSEE: VEU NODE: 


PLAYBOY’S PARTY JOKES 


Wheat is the real reason the Ten Command- 
ments have been banned from America’s 
public buildings? 

It creates a hostile work environment to 
post THOU SHALT NOT STEAL, THOU SHALT NOT 
COMMIT ADULTERY and THOU SHALT NOT BEAR 
FALSE WITNESS in a building full of lawyers, 
judges and politicians 


LONDE JOKE OF THE MONTH: What's the first 
thing a blonde does in the morning? Goes home. 


One afternoon, two women were sitting on a 
front porch. The first woman said, “Here 
comes my husband with a bunch of flowers. 
"That means I'll be on my back with my legs in 
the air all weekend.” 

The other woman asked, “Why? Don't you 
havc a vasc?" 


A man walked into church on crutches. He 
stopped in front of the holy water, splashed 
some of it on his legs and then tossed aside his 
crutches. An altar boy witnessed the event and 
ran to tell the priest what he'd just seen. The 
priest said, “Son, you've just witnessed a mira- 
cle. Tell me, where is this man?” 

‘The altar boy replied, “Lying on the floor 
next to the holy water.” 


Two bees met in a field. One said to the other, 
“How are things going?” 

“Terrible,” the second bee said. “The weather 
has been cold and there aren't any flowers, so 1 
can't make honey." 

“No problem," the first bee said. “Just fly 
down five blocks and turn left. Keep going 
until you see all the cars. There's a bar mitzvah 
going on, and there arc all kinds of fresh flowers 
and fruit." 

“Thanks for the tip," the second bee said. 

A few hours later the two bees ran into each 
other again. The first bee asked, “How'd it go?" 

"Great," the second bee said. "It was every- 
thing you said it would be. There was plenty 
of fruit and huge floral arrangements on 
every table." 

"Whar's that thing on your head?" the first 
bee asked. 

"The second bcc said, "That's my yarmulke. I 
didn't want them to think I was a wasp.” 


A teenage girl told her mother, “Mom, I'm 
pregnant.” 

“How can that be?" the mother replied 
"What did I always teach you about sex?” 

‘The girl replied, “That I should take 
measures.” 

The mom said, “Well, you didn't take 
measures, did you?” 

The girl said, “Actually, 1 did. I went with the 
biggest.” 


A guy ran into an ex-girlfriend on the street 
and said, “You know, I was with another 
woman last night, but I was still thinking 
of you." 

She said, “Why, because you miss me?” 

He replied, “No, because it keeps me from 
coming too fast.” 


A man brought his friend home for some- 
thing to eat. They walked in and found the 
man’s wife having sex with the mailman on 
the couch. The man went into the kitchen 
and started making two sandwiches. His 
friend followed him in and said, “What about 
the mailman?” 

‘The man replied, “Screw him. He can make 
his own sandwich.” 


How did the nymphomaniac describe herself 
in a personal ad? 
As a no-holes-barred type of girl. 


A man visited his elderly father in a nursing 
home. He noticed that the nurse gave his 
father hot chocolate and Viagra. The man 
asked, “Why are you doing that?” 

The nurse said, “The hot chocolate will help 
him sleep. 

The man said, “And the Viagra?" 

‘The nurse replied, “That keeps him from 
falling out of bed.” 


What's the downside of wife swapping? 
Eventually you get yours back. 


Send your jokes to Party Jokes Editor, PLAYBOY, 730 
Fifth Avenue, New York, New York 10019, or by 
e-mail to jokes@playboy.com. $100 will be paid to 
the contributor whose submission is selected. Sorry, 
Jokes cannot be returned. 


2975 7375: ШС 
^W =— 


“...Never mind what it’s for...it’s a stocking stuffer, okay?” 


147 


СЕ 
sE 
TERY 

RN 


In the Paint = 


COLLEGE BASKETBALL STARTS ITS PATH TO THE FINAL FOUR 


W: know NBA basketball is boring. But after the U.S. Dream Team embarrassed itself in the 2002 World Championship 
and then in this year's Olympics, we also realize that the NBA isn't quite as good as it's cracked up to be. Spoiled, self- 
interested superstars, lackadaisical effort over an interminable season and—as revealed in Athens—flawed fundamentals 
from players who make careers out of thunder dunks but can't hit a jump shot have cast a cloud over America’s game. 

No wonder Duke's Mike Krzyzewski spurned the richest contract ever offered to a basketball coach when he said no to the 
Los Angeles Lakers’ reported five-year, $40 million deal. Michigan State's Tom Izzo bas also resisted offers to coach in the 
МВА. “Поуе my players,” he says. “Our program 15 like a family. And college basketball is just where I feel most comfortable.” 
There's also more job security on the college campus, as Mike Montgomery, former coach at Stanford, will undoubtedly find 
out now that he’s head coach of the Golden State Warriors. 

The college game has its own problems, however. Star players who stay in school for four years are now the exception rather 
than the rule. Some of the best high school players bypass college altogether. And the old worries—under-the-table payments, 
phony test scores, recruiting improprieties—still plague schools in big conferences and small. But the game survives and thrives 
because nothing matches the energy and excitement of Duke versus North Carolina, of Temple coach John Chaney's matchup 
zone, of a 19-year-old freshman coming off the bench for silver-haired Lute Olson to knock down a three and send Arizona into 
overtime. And March Madness is still one of the great spectacles in sports. Here's our rundown of the best teams this season. 


1. Minois It's time for the Illini to step up to the big time. Bruce Weber's 

li team is loaded with talent, leadership and scoring ability. Strong guard play | 
is essential for a run at the national championship, and no team has a better 
pair of guards than Deron Williams and Dee Brown. The strength inside will 

come from six-foot-10 James Augustine and seven-foot-two Nick Smith. Add to the 

mix six-foot-six Roger Powell and the heady play of Luther Head, and the state of Ili- 

nois could get its first national champion since Loyola of Chicago back in 1963. 


2. Kansas How can you lose a player as pivotal as David Padgett, who 


transferred to Louisville in the off-season, and still be a national title con- 1. Illinois 
tender? Coach Bill Self has done it with quality recruiting and by keeping 2 Kansas 
Wayne Simien around for his senior year. Veteran guards Keith Langford 
and Aaron Miles give the Jayhawks solid control of the backcourt. The best talent 3. Wake Forest 
on Kansas's roster may be J.R. Giddens, who last season showed signs of becoming a 4, Georgia Tech 
dominant player: 5, North Carolina 
3. Wake Forest The Demon Deacons have one of the finest point guards 6. Connecticut 
E x E PLE 
in the nation in Chris Paul. He and backcourt mates Justin Gray and Taron T Seracuae 
Downey give Wake a lethal attack from the perimeter, while coach Skip 
Prosser will depend on Eric Williams and Vytas Danelius to get the job done in the 8. Oklahoma State 
paint. Ifthe big men come through, Wake has a chance to cut down the nets in April 9. Michigan State 
> /ур 4. Georgia Tech Afer making a surprise run at a national title last sca. | и 
son only to lose to Connecticut in the championship game, Georgia Tech 11. Arizona 
won't sneak up on anyone this time around. Paul Hewitt, one of the best 12. Mississippi State 
young coaches in the nation, returns a ton of talent, including standout 
guards Jarrett Jack and Will Bynum. Swingman B.J. Elder is a powerful defender, 13. Duke 
and seven-fooi-one center Luke Schenscher gives the Yellow Jackets a legitimate № 14. Wisconsin 
scoring threat from the low post. If Tech lives up to expectations, it could find itself 5 
in another Final Four. 15. Florida 
16. Louisville 
5. North Carolina It didn't take long for Roy Williams to turn things | MOD? i 
around in Chapel Hill—the Tar Heels will be back where they belong as one esee ipee 
ofthe superpowers of college basketball. Up front, the Heels return Sean May, 18. Kentucky 


who averaged 15.2 points and nearly 10 rebounds a game last season, and six-foot-nine 
Jawad Williams. Alsolook for big things in the low post from freshman Marvin Williams. 
Carolina has talent on the perimeter as well with Rashad McCants, Melvin Scott and po- 
tential superstar Raymond Felton. № 21. Michigan 


22. Pittsburgh 

6. Connecticut Despite the losses of NBA lottery picks Emeka Okafor and НШ 
Ben Gordon, Jim Calhoun's Huskies can be penciled in as a contender for a 23. Washington 
top-10 finish and a Big East title. Forwards Josh Boone and Charlie Vil- 24. Boston College 
lanueva are the backbone of one of Calhoun's deepest teams. The key to the 

Huskies’ success will be at small forward, where Calhoun expects freshman Rudy Gay 25. Notre Dame 

to get the job done. Gay is one of the top recruits in the nation and could be the next 


19. Maryland 
20. Alabama 


149 


150 


NBA lottery pick out of UConn. He would have been 
a first-round pick had he decided to skip college. 


7. Syracuse Two-time Playboy All 

American Hakim Warrick will be the 
SYRACUSE heart and soul of this year’s Orange. He can 
pass, shoot, drive and run the floor, and his defensive skills 
get better each time he steps onto the court. A strong back- 
court will be led by junior guard Gerry McNamara, one of 
the deadliest outside shooters in college basketball, and Billy 


Edelin, whom the team hopes to get back after he missed | 


half of last season. If Edelin can't return at the point, fresh- 
man Josh Wright will be a capable replacement. Longtime 


| 


Syracuse coach Jim Boeheim expects seven-foot Craig Forth | 


and six-foot-six Josh Pace to provide bang off the boards. 


& 


Ivan McFarlin and Daniel Bobik. The bad news is that they 
don't have Tony Allen, last year's Big 12 Player of the Year 
and OSU's leader in almost every statistical category. The 
success of this year's team will depend on whether someone 
can replace his scoring and leadership skills. Point guard 
John Lucas will run Eddie Sutton's offense, typically look- 
ing for forward Joey Graham on the give-and-go. 
с aren't accustomed to heading back to East Lansing 
from the NCAA tournament as early as they did last 
season. They'll be on a mission this year not to repeat that 


performance, MSU is loaded on the perimeter, with Maurice 
Ager, Shannon Brown, Alan Anderson, Chris Hill and 


8. Oklahoma State The good news is that the 
Cowboys have almost everyone back from last 


9. Michigan State Tom 1220 and the Spartans 


season's Final Four team, including standouts | 


Kelvin Torbert vying for playing time. Freshman point Drew | 
Neitzel vill also be a factor. Junior Paul Davis, who came to | 


MSU іп 2002 as one of Izzo's most heralded recruits, is a 
preseason Wooden Award nominee. If the Spartans can im- 
prove defensively and shoot consistently from the outside, 
they'll make a run at the Final Four. 


| 10. Texas Coach Rick Barnes had good 


players leave and good recruits arrive. Two | 


ы returning starters—forwards PJ. Tucker and 
Jason Klotz—will play a major role in the Longhorns’ suc- 
cess. Barnes has talent in the backcourt in Kenny Taylor, 
Kenton Paulino and Edgar Moreno, but he lost a lot of 
points and leadership with the departures of Royal Ivey and 
Brandon Mouton. 


AW 11. Arizona Ageless Lute Olson will again be work- 

) \ ing the sidelines for the Wildcats, and as usual he has 

the best team in the West. Channing Frye, at six-foot- 

11, will provide plenty of scoring punch and rebounds inside. 

Frontcourt mate Isaiah Fox returns after missing nearly all of 

last season with a knee injury. The perimeter will feature Has- 

san Adams, Mustafa Shakur and Salim Stoudamire, three 

guys who can nail it from beyond the three-point line and 

take it into the paint. How far the Wildcats go will depend on 
how well Shakur handles his role as floor leader. 


ғ 12. Mississippi State Looking for adark-horse 
2 3 contender for the national tile? Bet on the Bull 
іш dogs, thanks in large part to the return of Law- 
rence Roberts, who pulled his name out of the NBA draft 
Roberts, a transfer from scandal-plagued Baylor, starred for 
coach Rick Stansbury and the Bulldogs last year. He thought 
he was ready for the pros until he scrimmaged at the NBA 


predraft camp in Chicago, where he learned otherwise. | 


Good play from point guard Gary Ervin will be key to get- 
ting Roberts better looks at the basket. 


Here are our selections for E A 
collegiate players in the nation this season 


Julius Hodge 
North Carolina State 
senior guard, 6'7”, 205 pounds 


Wayne Simien 
Kansas 


senior center, 6'9”, 255 pounds 


Hakim Warrick 
Syracuse 


senior forward, 6'8", 185 pounds 


John Lucas 

Oklahoma State 

senior guard, 5'11”, 152 pounds 
Deron Williams 

Illinois 

junior guard, 6'3”, 210 pounds 
Chris Paul 

Wake Forest 
sophomore guard, 6'0", 168 pounds 
Channing Frye 
Arizona 

senior center, 611 
Sean May 
North Carolina 
junior forward, 679”, 260 pounds 


248 pounds 


Ike Diogu 
Arizona State 
junior forward, 6'8”, 250 pounds 


Francisco Garcia 
Louisville 
junior forward, 67”, 185 pounds 


13. Duke How many programs could lose two 

players (Luol Deng and Chris Duhon) and a top 

high school recruit (Sean Livingston) to the 
NBA and still be one of the best teams in the nation? Obvi: 
ously Coach K still has his mojo. Maybe that's why he de- 
cided to stay at Duke as а millionaire college coach instead 
of accepting an offer to be a multimillionaire NBA coach. 
What does he have left? For starters, guard Daniel Ewing, 
big men Shavlik Randolph and Shelden Williams, and one 
of the nation's best shooters in J.J. Redick. Duke's stars of 


ILLUSTRATION BY JOHN CRAIG 


152 


Nelson and Connecticut High School Player of the Year short on experience but long on talent. This is 
David McClure. one of the Wildcats’ youngest teams in years, but 
қ it could be ready to roll by March. The team features three 
! 14. Wisconsin With seven players on the roster | McDonald's All-Americans—six-foot-11 Randolph Morris 
UAE who stand six-foot-eight or taller, the Badgers won't | and guards Rajon Rondo and Joe Crawford —along with 
be outmuscled by many. So who will get the job | veterans Chuck Hayes and Kelenna Azubuike. 
done on the perimeter? Boo Wade is back, as is Alando 
Tucker, who was on the Big 10 All-Freshman team two years 19. Maryland Coach Gary Williams likes to 
ago but sat out most of last season with a foot injury. Strong fret, but in the end he usually wins a lot of games. 
play from Penn State trans- His primary ingredients this 
fer Sharif Chambliss would — —Á = season are six-foot-eight Nik 
provide a big lift. Chambliss ; Caner-Medley, one of the 
averaged 14.7 points a game | How High School best shooters tA the nation, 
and led the Big 10 in three- Players Have Changed 
th 


pus and six-foot-three jumping 
pointers when he was in 


jack John Gilchrist, an out- 
Happy Valley. e College Gam: | 


standing point guard. A ma- 


the future include McDonald's All-American DeMarcus Тез Kentucky Coach Tubby Smith has a team 


College basketball has clearly have neaded afew seasons to jor setback for the Terps 
15. Florida suffered as a result of the many make an impact. Because of this, came last May when prize re- 
Coach Billy Don- ‚great players who have left school teams’ motives for drafting players cruit Sterling Ledbetter was 
ovan has been early for the NBA. No university is straight out of high school have injured in a car accident. It's 


licking his chops ever since immune tothe phenomenon, a> changed. Now, similar to the unclear whether he'll be able 
Anthony Roberson, who av- even coach Mike Krzyzewski and baseball draft, players are selected to play heavy minutes once 


E um Duke have learned in recent тоге for their potential than for А 
eraged 179 points'argame seasons. Perhaps more troubling is what they can contribute right the season gets rolling. 
last season, decided to stay 


Е the trend of high school stars away. While no high school student 

in Gainesville for another A CER ee m pies has the P aret uisa at 20. Alabama 
year. The Gators, in fact, have star one day, an NBA multi- a LeBron James or a Kobe Bryant, EN The Tide got to 
all five starters returning millionaire the next. Certainly not several will no doubt be taken in the ДЕ within a win of the 
from last season's 20-win every high school kid who sets his draft, continuing the trend. CB Final Four last sea- 
team. David Lee should be sights on instant NBA stardom Here is the complete list of play- son, but coach Mark Gottfried 
one of the best big men in сап successfully make the ers who have bypassed college is reluctant to set expecta- 

leap, but it's hard t» blame to enter the NBA draft. 


the SEC, and Donovan's re- tions as high this year be- 


cruiting class, which features a ripis cause of the graduation of 
six-foot-eight Corey Brewer, money. In act, baseball 1995: Kevin Garnett point guard Antoine Pettway, 
is impressive. Е 1996: Kobe Bryant, Taj who spearheaded last year's 
bypass college to tum pro all the McDavid, Jermaine O'Neal attack. Gottfried hopes top 
time. Still, for fans of college 1997: Tracy McGrady recruit Ronald Steele can fill 


[9 Coach Rick Pi basketball, something has been 1998: Al Harrington, Rashard Pettway's leadership role апа 

Аі по can only hope lost. The first player to skip college Lewis, Ellis Richardson, Korleone complement the fearsome 

AS that forward Ellis and tur pro was Moses Malone, frontcourt duo of Kennedy 
Myles returns full strength Wan vas darn Б. ТТЫ Е Winston and Chuck Davis. 


after missing last season be- Basketball Association in 1974. In 


1975 Philadelphia selected Darryl | Stevenson 5 
cause of a ruptured right IA) ША. ЖШ 21. Michigan 
patella tendon. A healthy and Atlanta picked Bill Willoughby Chandler, Ousmane Cisse, Eddy ИШТИ Michigan hasn't 
Myles would make a big dif- round later But the trend didn't Curry, DeSagana Diop, Tony Key | = made the field of 
ference on the boards. The ETT 2002: DeAngelo Collins, Lenny 64 since 1998, thanks in part 
superstar of this team, how- Minnesota drafted Kevin Garnett— Саке Giedrius Rinkevicius, to NCAA penalties that con- 
ever, is forward Francisco arare blend of intelligence, skill Amare Stoudemire tributed to the program's 
Garcia, who will be looking ПР AT aa 


frame—and opened the flood- James Lang, Travis Outlaw, 
gates. Twenty-nine players have Kendrick Perkins 
since been drafted, with many 2004: Jackie Butler, Dwight 


to improve on his average of 
16.4 points a game. If star 
recruits Sebastian Telfair 


Tommy Amaker is eager to 
move the Wolverines in the 
right direction. They ended 


t failing to make the adjustment, Howard, Al Jefferson, Shaun y 

and Donta Smith had de- succeeding only in cashing a Livingston, Josh Smith, JR. Smith, last season on a positive note 
cided to take the school bus paycheck. And even those who Robert Swift, Sebastian Telfair, by winning the NIT, often an 
to Louisville instead of the have been unqualified successes Dorell Wright.  —Ryan Blake indicator of NCAA tourney 


fast track to the NBA, this 
team would have been a top- 
five choice. 


success the following season. 
With 13 players returning, 
Michigan looks ready to 
make its mark. Daniel Hor- 
17. North Carolina State Coach Herb Sendek | ton, Dion Harris and Lester Abram are the powers in the 
considered a position in the NBA but realized he’s | backcourt, while Graham Brown and Courtney Sims will 
happy where he is. One reason was the decision of | man the middle. 

stud guard Julius Hodge to stay another season 
rather than jumping to the NBA. At six-foot-seven, Hodge 22. Pittsburgh Pittsburgh isn't generally thought 
is silky smooth in the open court and has tremendous 5сог- of as a national power in basketball, but the Pan- 
ing ability from the perimeter and in transition. Big Шап if won 31 games last season and reached the 
Evtimov hopes to come back at full strength after tearing | Sweet 16 for the third consecutive year. Despite the loss of 
up his knee two seasons ago, while in the backcourt Engin | key starters, Pitt has enough talent to make it four in a 
Айг will run the show. Sendek also has promising recruits | row. Reigning Big East Rookie of the Year Chris Taft is a 
in the wings. six-foot-10 block of muscle and (concluded on page 200) 


2.2.2 S — === 


—— > 


“The freezer's almost empty, so be sure to bring back more bad boys and. 
girls than you did last year!” 
153 


. geo bn rt 


5-00, 


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AS 


- Grooving to the Soul Rebels Brass 
Band at New Orleans’s Preservation 
2 Hall, Smiley is in a coat with velvet 
trim ($1,030), pingtripe suit ($3,415) 
and ruffled shirt ($360), all by 
| CHINO, His belt Is by TORINO, 
($55), and his shoes are by U. 
($325); Rer dress Is by || ($870); 
her fur jacket ($3,995) and crocodile. 
= boots ($245) are by ac 05 
4 


Caboose, al left, is in an alpaca 
steamer coat ($2,395) and trousers. 
($395) by c ANLUC His swe 
Is by 1 ($550), and his scarf 
is by ($80). His shoes ($295) and 
gloves ($125) are by : 
Little Middle wears a coat $1,420), 
shirt ($350), pants ($354) scart 
($115), all by His shoes are by 
($498); his belt is 
($345). Duster Is in a trench ($3,130), 


pants ($1,025), blazer ($2,180) and silk 
shirt ($291), + 


His Is are by ($365) 155 


Mr. Giggles is in a leather / 
barn jacket with plaid lining / 
($1,760), print cotton T-shirt 
($95) and plaid denim 

pants ($195), all by DSG. 

As for his boots ($285), 
GORDON makes 

them. She's in a fur-rimmed /, 
coat ($850) and bustier ) 
($150) by 8938 HUGO BOSS 
The charcoal trousers are 

by DSQUARED? ($565). 


I's dawn of the dead, Big Easy style—ihat is, zombies with hangovers. The Count is in a leather coat with fur lining ($6,995), 


sweater ($3,595), belted trousers ($695) and silk scart ($265), all by GIO ARMANI. Vampira's in a dress ($1,298) and fur vest 
158 (5998) by О The rhinestone Rabbit necklace is available at playboystore.com ($45). 


Igor, at lett, is in a military-style coat (5995), shirt ($195) and V-neck sweater ($195), 
all by PAUL LA FONTAINE. Dr. Frankenstein, with the walking si wearing а coat 
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gloves are by EMPORIO ARMANI ($148). makes his shoes ($295). 


PIG ae NW" АА N S 


RICHMOND X outfitted Heat Miser, at left. That's a zip-front coat with a fur-trimmed hood ($1,610), wool trousers ($370) and a Rich- 
mond Rocks belt ($250). His boots are by GORDON RUSH ($295). Chilly, at right, is in a parka with fur-trimmed hood ($348) and 
cords ($70) from MICHAEL MICHAEL KORS. His turtleneck Is by GRAM-6ASSO (5345), and his shoes сте by BOSS HUGO BOSS ($295). 
Mor dress is by Al КАТО ($1,080), пег jacket is by GF FERRÉ ($4,775), and her pumps are by HUGO HUGA BOSS ($185). 


e ¿a? 


Les 237-44 ` 


Santa's wingman, seated, is In a coat by PERRY ELLIS ($875), Jeans by CALVIN KLEIN ($50) and a turtleneck by D&G ($300). His 
loafers are by MARK NASON ($250). Saint Nick, finding out whether she’s naughty or nice, is ina shearling с сос! ($3,000), jeans 
($190), sweater ($560), python loafers ($730) and cashmere scarf ($295), all by SALVATORE FERRAGAMO. His belt is by TORINO 
($55). Her fur-trimmed top ($1,395) and wide-leg jeans ($395) are by MICHAEL KORS. 161 


WOMEN'S STYLING BY MERIEM ORLET = WHERE AND HOWTO BUY ON PAGE 204. 


НЕ YEAR IN MUSIC WASN'T AS BAD AS WE HAD 

EXPECTED. BEASTIE BOYS RELEASED THEIR FIRST CD 
IN SIX YEARS. U2 HAD ITS CD GANKED AT A PHOTO SHOOT. 
USHER, LIL JON AND LUDACRIS HAD EVERYONE SHOUTING. 
“YEAH!” KANYE WEST AND TWISTA PUT CHI-TOWN HIP- 
HOP ON THE MAP. GORGEOUS COUNTRY CROONERS 
GRETCHEN WILSON AND JULIE ROBERTS CAME POURING 
OUT OF NASHVILLE. AND THERE WAS NARY A BOY BAND IN 


Music’s class of 2004 is led by college dropout Kanye 
West, the producer and performer who cheated death 
ina car accident two years ago and rapped his breakout 
hit, “Through the Wire,” with his jaw wired shut. West 
called us from Las Vegas, where he was named best new 
male artist at the World Music Awards 

> You've produced tons of hits, including Jay-Z's 
"Izzo" and Alicia Keys's “You Don't Know My Name.” 
When did you realize you were talented? 

1 was never really talented at anything. I just had 
the ability to learn. When I first started rapping, people 


BE COUNTED. SEND IN YOUR 
BALLOT TODRY! 


SIGHT (UNLESS YOU COUNT THE HIVES). IF YOU IGNORE 
CONCERT VENUES, THE MUSIC BUSINESS SHOWED SIGNS OF 
REVIVAL. BEHIND THE SCENES, A MERGER MADE SONY-BMG 
THE SECOND-LARGEST RECORD COMPANY IN THE WORLD 
(VIVENDI'S UNIVERSAL MUSIC GROUP IS FIRST), WITH COM- 
BINED SALES OF MORE THAN $8 BILLION. WHAT MADE YOUR 
2004 UNFORGETTABLE? VOTE BY TEARING OUT THIS PAPER 
BALLOT OR GOING TO PLAYBOY.COM. 


weren't like, "Oh shit, he's gonna be good.” Because it was wack. 
I just focused and got better and better. 
Р - Hold on. Aren't you known for being arrogant? 

I'm grounded. When you get an opportunity to shine, 
to accomplish your dreams, are you supposed to say thanks, or 
are you supposed to go, “Yeah, motherfucker! I told your ass"? 
That's what I'm doing. That doesn't mean I'm arrogant. It 
means I'm happy. 1 became a celebrity overnight. I work hard. 1 
love my shit. Have you heard thesongs? How could you expect me 
to be modest? I made those! For me to say “Jesus Walks” is not 
one of the best songs this year would be stupid. 

Tell us about your parents. 

My mom was my first manager. When I was growing up, 
she put me in karate class, swimming class. My dad told me his 
life philosophies. He taught me that guys do everything for pussy. 
People end up dying over it. Some songs out there glorify that. 

You're known for a more positive message. 

1 live positively, but I'm not a saint. Think of “Slow 
jamz"—"Fm gonna play this Vandross/You gonna take your 
pants off." I'm а real person. When Biggie came out, all 1 
listened to was gangsta rap. 1 love white music—alternative shit. 
My favorite group of all ume is the Red Hot Chili Peppers. 

Do you think you'll win any Grammy: 

I don't know. I thought I was gonna win some VMAs. 
But yeah, Г want the accolades. 1 want it all. What the fuck, 
you're not supposed to want it all? I'm blessed, with or without 
awards. I'm happy to have a job I love, where I'm able to per- 
form for so many fans. But I'd rather have all the awards. 

11:10 Do you still have flashbacks of the car accident? 

Occasionally. 1 think about how I could have died and 
how I must be here for a reason. When I do something wrong, 
my conscience speaks to me. God watches every move I make. 


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BLOOD'S THICKER 
THAN THE MUD, AS 
THEY SAY. WITHA 
BOLD NEW ALBUM, NAS 4 ¢ 
15 НІР-НОР"5 HOTTEST 
ARTIST. JOINED BY 
HIS FATHER, JAZZMAN 
OLU DARA, HE'S 
REDEFINING HIP-HOP 


FOR THE 21ST 


CENTURY 


еп years ago Nasir Jones busted out of Long Island City’s 

Queensbridge projects with a masterpiece, Illmatic. With 
its stripped-down East Coast sound and moral complexity, Ш- 
matic altered the course of hip-hop. Over the past decade Nas 
bas tried, with varying success, to recapture the magic of that 
first release. In 2001 he found himself in the middle of a bom- 
bastic feud with fellow New Yorker Jay-Z, which seemed to 
revive Nas’s career. In 2002 he returned strong with God’s Son, 
which pointed the way to a new, mature style. 

Hip-hop isn’t a musical form given to reflection. But with 
his new two-CD set, Street's Disciple (Columbia), Nas hopes 
to change that. At the age of 31 Бе bas matured, addressing 
the changes wrought by time, family, growing up, getting 
married (to singer Kelis) and taking care of business. 

Nas has an intriguing pedigree. Born in Brooklyn in 1973, 
be grew up in Queens. His father is Olu Dara, a trumpeter 
and a compelling musician in bis own right. During the 1970s 
Dara played with many jazz masters in New York’s loft scene. 
Since then he’s worked with his own band, which plays a styl- 
ish mix of Afrobeat, jazz and blues. 

The jazzy feel of Streets Disciple owes a lot to Nas’s father. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY MATTHIAS CLAMER 


Dara plays and sings on “Bridging the Gap,” the first single 
from the new album. With references stretching from Muddy 
Waters and Hustlers Convention to Chic and A Tribe Called 
Quest, Disciple is more than a survey of the past decade of 
hip-hop. Nas isn’t only a disciple of the streets but also of the 
traditions that inform American music. We sat down with 
Nas and Olu in Georgia to talk about the family business. 
РАЛУВОУ: Nas, what do you think about your father’s music? 
NAS: When I was growing up, not everyone my age was being 
exposed to jazz as I was. That was a good opportunity for me. 
I was lucky to hear more music than the average kid—and it 
was true music. His music came out the way I see my music 
today. The way I heard his music then, that’s how I try to 
record, It means having no inhibitions, going for it, doing what 
you like. His music is based on stuff he grew up on. My music 
is based on the music I grew up on, which is hip-hop. 
PLAYBOY: What jazz do vou listen to now? 

NAS: Bitches Brew. Miles was the first thing I got into. As far 
as other jazz, I listen to John Coltrane, Duke Ellington, Ella 
Fitzgerald, Nancy Wilson. 

PLAYBOY: Olu, what do you think about your son's music? 


Ft P 


Hd ” 


~ 


GEA NE 


OLU DARA: His music is a continuation 
of what was going on before he came 
onto the earth. [ know my music is a con- 
tinuation of what my father, grandfather 
and grandmother were doing. When I 
hear his music, he reminds me of myself. 
PLAYBOY: What sort of hip-hop do you 
listen to? 

ORAR: I like all of it. I don't think I've 
heard any hip-hop I don't like, whether 
lyrically or musically or a combination 
of both. Hip-hop is the music I was 
always waiting to hear. It's something 
that was always missing in music in 
America. It’s a culmination of 
everything. You can find music 
of all cultures merged into hip- 
hop. You can even hear Euro- 
pean music in there. Dr. Dre is а 
good example of that. It’s funny 
that Nas said he grew up listen- 
ing to Miles and Coltrane, be- 
cause I grew up in Mississippi 
listening to blues and rhythm 
and blues. 1 didn’t hear any 
jazz. 1 knew hardly anything 
about jazz. I had no interest in 
it. But when I got to college, in 
Tennessee, my roommate had 
these jazz records. They were 
Miles and Coltrane, so I got 
interested in the same music 
Nas did by listening to records. 
PLRYBDY: Can you tell us 
something about your grand- 
father? 

ORRR: | never met him. I only 
heard stories about him. He 
built roads in the South. He 
made up songs. From what I 
heard, Zora Neale Hurston 
got songs from him. My father 
was a singer in a jazz quartet 
doing Mills Brothers-type 
music. My great-uncles were entertain- 
ers in tent shows. 

PLAYBOY: Is hip-hop stuck? It doesn’t 
seem to have moved forward in years. 
Will a time come when it exhausts itself? 
NRS: I've thought about that happening 
for a while. But it doesn’t go away. I 
thought it would have been gone a while 
ago, but there’s a new fan for hip-hop 
every day because it’s such a young 
music. It has started to follow what hap- 
pened to other black music. And there 
was always a threat it would become too 
young. There are so many threats. So 
much controversy has been created by 
corporations and politicians who want 
to shut it down. There are a lot of igno- 
rant rappers, but the music remains. 
PLAYEDY: In the 19405 jazz was а pop- 
ular form of music, the music everybody 


listened to. Now look what's happened 
to it. Does the same fate await rap? 
NAS: I feel at some point hip-hop will 
have to end. When, I don’t know. 
PLAYBOY: And how about jazz? 

DARR: Well, it started out as a black art 
form. Jazz was postslavery blacks play- 
ing European instruments for the first 
time. It was an anomaly because of 
that. But now it's dormant. I worked in 
jazz almost exclusively for years. I 
made my name in jazz. But white musi- 
cians arc basically taking that over 
now. Jazz as 1 know it has stayed the 


THIS IS THE HAPPIEST l'VE EVER 
BEEN MAKING ALBUMS. THAT 
SCARES ME, BECAUSE A LOT OF 
GREAT WORK COMES OUT OF PAIN. 


same. It’s supposed to be a music of ex- 
ploration. By the r960s it had been ex- 
plored already. I think even in the 
19305 it had already been explored. 
The musicians got everything they 
could out of their instruments. They 
overpowered them. There’s not much 
that can be done after Coltrane, Miles 
and Louis Armstrong. 

PLAYBDY: You could say the same thing 
about hip-hop, right? Is there more 
room to explore there because you have 
different technology? 

ония: Not only technology. Hip-hop is 
just a name. Once you take the name off 
the music, you can just call it music, 
black music. Hip-hop is morc universal 
than jazz. It's unique because it includes 
all elements of music. $o as we know 
it, hip-hop may not be the same in the 


2” Ж 


4% 


= 


future, but the same people will be doing 
something else. Hip-hop is just a new 
version of rhythm and blues. 
PLAYBOY: Nas, what kind of R&B did 
you listen to when you were a kid? 
Nns: Evelyn “Champagne” King, Rick 
James, Michael Jackson, DeBarge, 1980s 
stuff. And before that the Isleys, Otis 
Redding, Sam Cooke. 

PLAYBOY: Tell us about the new album. 
It's a two-CD set, right, like Biggie’s? 
NRS: Yeah. It's just me having fun. Most 
music comes and goes. It’s entertainment 
or gimmick. Гус been in rap music a long 
time. Compared with every other 
music genre, it’s not a long time, 
but in rap, то or 12 years is for- 
ever. So at this point Pm reflect- 
ing on my entry into making 
records, which was 1991. I have 
an early-1990s hip-hop sound 
on some of it. I can't help but ex- 
press my life in the lyrics. But 
I'm just having fun. This is prob- 
ably the happiest Рус ever been 
making albums. That scares me, 
because a lot of great work 
comes out of pain and hurt. Rap 
deals with struggle a lot. I deal 
with struggle on Street’s Disci- 
ple, but different sorts of strug- 
gles. Like I said, I was really hap- 
py making this album, as 
opposed to my other albums. 
PLAYBOY: Did Nas play trum- 
pet when he was four years old? 
DRRR: Yeah, he fascinated me 
and the people who saw him. 
He probably doesn't even re- 
member it, but we would play 
together. He could touch any 
instrument at the time and 
make it sound musical. A lot of 
people thought he was some 
kind of instrumental genius ог whatever, 
but he was just going to play. It’s still 
vivid in my mind, On the street, on the 
stoop, on Eastern Parkway in Brooklyn. 
I hada friend who played drums, and 
Nas would go out every aftemoon with 
Billy and my trumpet. Pd go out there 
with him while he sat on the stoop. Peo- 
ple used to be waiting. People would 
wait after work to sce if he was going to 
play. He was a natural trumpet player. At 
the time, I thought, Miles is going to 
be scared to death. 

PLRYBDY: What's more important, 
family or art? 

NRS: Obviously family always comes 
first to me. Art is second. 

PLAYBOY: Olu, what do you say? 
DRRR: Well, to me family is art. Art is a 
product of family. 


Chat Room 


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167 


Dustin Hoffman 


PLAYBOYS 


200 


Everybody’s favorite graduate talks about Brando, 
and sex—past and present 


Eastwood, Stiller 


1 


PLAYBOY: After taking some time off, 
you've returned in four high-profile 
movies—I Heart Huckabees, Finding 
Neverland, Meet the Fockers and Racing 
Stripes. What made you decide to come 
back in such a big way? 

HOFFMAN: Im working differently from 
how I worked in the past. Five years ago 
I reached a point where I had become 
disenchanted with the stuff I was being 
offered. I said to my wife, “I'm not go- 
ing to work anymore." Suddenly, three 
or four years had gone by, and I missed 
working. I'd always had the luxury of 
picking from many scripts. It was calcu- 
lated: Is the character something I want 
to do? Is this a good script, a good cast? 
My wife said to me, "Why don't you 
just throw all that ош?” And replace it 
with what? “Why don’t you just work 
without regard to the script?” I said, 
“Then what's the criteria?” “The direc- 
tor. Do you feel you're going to have a 
creative experience? Will you have a 
good time?" It was earth-shattering, 
and that's what I did. I chose these 
movies because of their directors. 


2 


PLAYBOY: What did these directors offer? 
HOFFMAN: Huckabees was made by David 
O. Russell, who made Spanking the Mon- 
key, Flirting With Disaster and Three Kings. 
When I first read the script I didn't 
understand a fucking word of it. Nev- 
erland was directed by Marc Forster, a 
terrifically interesting guy who directed 
Monster's Ball. 1 knew more about Meet 
the Fockers, of course. I had seen Meet the 
Parents and thought it worked as a com- 
edy. I liked that Ben Stiller was the Jew 
and De Niro's daughter, whom Ben 
wanted to marry, was the shiksa god- 
dess. They were the Jewish and Chris- 
tian parts of the Judeo-Christian culture 
in America, a split that has existed for 
many years. With Barbra Streisand and 
meas Stiller's parents in the sequel, we 


were able to do more provoking related 
to that split. I didn’t have to walk far to 
tackle the part. 


3 


PLAYBOY: In I Heart Huckabees you play 
an existential detective. What is it, and 
would you ever go to one? 

HOFFMAN: The director, David О. Russell, 
and I have both been in and believe in 
therapy. My kids affectionately call David 
“David O'Crazy,” which is a compliment 
"The existential detective is a fantasy for 
those who are in therapy trying to under- 
stand how their defenses have built up. 
Here the therapist follows you around 
wherever you go and helps make con- 
nections that in real therapy are far more 
subtle. The idea of the therapist follow- 
ing you around is everybody's dream. It's 


the safety of someone taking care of you 
4 


rLAYBOY: What are some of the things 
you've learned from therapy? 
HOFFMAN: We think we're the modern 
ones because we're the now. But Dick- 
ens and those of his time, for instance, 
thought they were modern. You begin 
to see how primitive we are. In 100 
years they're going to look back at us 
and wonder why we wouldn't approve 
stem cell research. It's humbling. Also, 
most of humanity hasn't yet been born, 
and much of the rest is already dead. 
We're this little part in the middle. I 
have two dogs. I love to watch them 
romping in the ocean. If a lot of dogs 
are on the beach, the first thing they do 
is smell each other's asshole. The infor- 
mation that's gotten somehow makes 
pacifists out of all of them. I've thought, 
If only we smelled each other's assholes, 
there wouldn't be any war. 


5 


PLAYBOY: How well did you know Mar- 
lon Brando? 
HOFFMAN: I never met him. Brando was 


Interview by Robert B. DeSalvo and David Sheff 


my generation’s icon. When I first saw 
him I didn't know I wanted to act. I 
was in high school. I saw On the Water- 
front and had an experience I'd never 
had at the movies before and didn't 
know why. He was about 80 when he 
called me. I was in my backyard with 
a cell phone. He wanted me to be part 
ofa show he wanted to do about cre- 
ativity. I said of course I'd do it, what- 
ever he wanted me to do, but I wasn't 
going to hang up without letting him 
know what Га wanted him to know 
since On the Waterfront. The conversa- 
tion lasted until the battery went out 
more than an hour later. 1 named per- 
formances and moments. I couldn't let 
him off the phone. 


6 


PLAYBOY: What inspired you to become 
ап actor? 

HOFFMAN: A couple of years after see- 
ing On the Waterfront, it still hadn't 
crossed my mind. When I was in 
junior college and failing, they told 
me, “You don't get credits for Fs.” So 
somebody said, “Take an acting class. 
It's three credits, and nobody fails act- 
ing." That's the only reason I took an 
acting class. 


7 


PLAYBOY: You're famous for being a 
method actor, which apparently amused 
or annoyed Lord Laurence Olivier, 
with whom you acted in Marathon 
Man. After you had been awake for 
two days, you showed up on the set to 
play a scene in which you were to 
appear exhausted. Olivier famously 
said, "Why don't you just try acting, 
dear boy?” Well? 

HOFFMAN: The story originated, if my 
memory serves me correctly, in Time 
magazine. They made it a better story, 
altering it to give it the kind of irony 
they wanted. 1 was shooting in New 
York and Olivier (continued on page 208) 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY CART STREIBERACON 


A 2 ч 5 / 22 4 х 


“Oh, for heaven’s sake—he’s only an elf!” 


If a man can kiss a 
woman passionately, she | 
knows they'll have unbe- | 
lievable sex. So don't just stick | 
your tongue down her throat. | 


Practice on an orange. If a woman 
lets you perform oral sex on her, it 
means she's comfortable with you 
and feels chemistry. Pay attention to 
her body language. If I’m enjoyin; 
myself, I rub up against a guy a lot an 
touch him. But if I'm not having a good 
time, I'm kind of stiff, as if to say, “All right, 
that’s enough. Let’s watch TV now,” You may 
know what turns a woman on, but don't | 
get into a routine. Change it up. 
Otherwise it’s like eating the 
same thing for lunch 
vU every сұ? 


> 


i 


FICTION BY ANNIE PROULX 


MRS. FRINK LOVED RED'S FUR— 
THAT MUCH HE KNEW. NOW 
WAS TIME TO SEAL THE DEAL 


his happened last year east of the 

Powder River country, somewhere 

in the Wyoming breaks. It’s not 

much of a story, the kind of thing 

you might hear on a sluggish after- 
noon in Pee Wee's. 

Three old bachelor badgers lived a certain 
distance from one another in a piece of 
rough ground in the back pasture of Frank 
Frink's ranch. The badgers were concerned 
with food, sunbathing and property lines. 
Their territories came together in a stony 
outcrop that faced south and where the 
scenery flung out like an opened fan. Here, in 
the morning sunshine, the three badgers met 
and exchanged remarks on the vagaries of 
life and recent wind speeds in the whistles, 
grunts and growls that pass for communica- 
tion among them. One of the badgers had 
held down a teaching job at the university up 
in Bozeman for a few years—creative writing 
or barge navigation—but had retired to the 
ranch. Two of the trio, including the univer- 
sity badger, were stout and ordinary. The 
third had a reddish tinge to his fur but was as 
ignorant as a horseshoe. 


The Frink ranch started 114 years ago with 
some Texas longhorns and a restless pair of 
cowboys blackballed out of the Lone Star State 
for their sympathies with the LS cowboy strike 
of 1883. After that, the place rolled through a 
dozen sets of hands until it came to Frink. 


ILLUSTRATIONS BY JASON HO 


173 


174 


Frank Frink took an interest їп 
immortality and fountains of youth, 
eternal flames and the like, and be- 
cause he had convinced himself 
that he was going to live, if not for- 
ever, at least to be 200, he was 
conservation-minded and absolute 
death on overgrazing. He was con- 
stantly shifting his cattle to differ- 
ent pastures and had an immense 
and complex chart on the pantry 
door that showed the schedule of 
Short-term grazing he had worked 
out. One delicate pasture with live 
water held cattle for no more than 
three hours before they were hus- 
tled off to coarser grass. 

Frink was always shorthanded. 
You ranchers know how hard it is to 
get good help. He found it just as 
hard to get bad help as he skimped 
on pay in favor of saving up for his 
long twilight years. At roundup 
time he was shorthanded and 
begged his wife to help drive. 

"Oh, all right," she said, "but I'm 


telling you right now that | need а 
new winter coat, and after we ship. 
the cattle | better get it." 

“Haaah,” said Frink, who had 
heard of the coat before. 


On the circle drive, the rancher's 
wife came out of a draw, andas she 
trotted past a saltbush, a badger 
appeared. 

“Good-looking badger,” she said 
aloud, imagining herself in a coat of 
the same red hue. Not necessarily а 
fur coat—faux fur would do or even 
tweed with a monkey-fur collar. 


Toward dawn the three badgers 
congregated at the stony outcrop. 
“Have a good hunt?” asked one 
of the ordinary badgers. 
“Not bad,” said the other. "You?" 
“Fair. How about you, Red?” 
“Well, Great Badger Almighty, 
the rancher's wife has fell in love 
with me. | suppose she'll be pes- 
terin me all the time now." 


"What? What are you sayin?" 

"Aw, she seen me over in the salt- 
bush draw, says, 'That's the hand- 
somest badger | ever seen. I'm 
crazy about him.” 

The other badgers laughed and 
made coarse jokes about possible 
and impossible sexual conjunctions 
between the red-haired badger 
and the rancher's wife. Inevitably 
the talk turned to the story that 
went back to the 1880s of a des- 
perate cowboy who forced himself 
on an ill-tempered grandmother 
badger and the violent conse- 
quences that still tickled a low 
sense of humor. 

"| haven't got time to lay around,” 
said Red, and he ambled away, tak- 
ing a route through 2 deep draw 
where a number of noxious exotics, 
including а monstrous teasel plant, 
grew. He dragged himself through 
the teasel bush until his fur was 
sleek and shining. 

"She should see me now," һе said 
to the teasel. 


Frank Frink and two of his cronies 
came out of the kitchen door, their 
hands full of ginger cookies shaped 
like steer heads with frosting eyes. 
The rancher stopped dead 

“Look at that. There it is again.” 

“What?” said Crisp Braid, scan- 
hing near and far, seeing nothing 
unusual. 

“In the ditch. The biggest god- 
damn badger | have yet saw. Make 
a rug half as big as a steer hide. 
This is about the 10th time I've 
sawn the bastard. Havin coffee the 
other mornin and I look out the 
window over the sink, there's this 
bugger layin on a rock all sprad- 
dled out, takin its ease and airin its 
balls like it was in a hammock. | 
went for the .30-06, took a shot 
and missed. Know what he done? 
Kicked dirt at me. Damn these 
cookies or I'd run get the O6 now." 
He ate two steer heads at once and 
choked a little, the sound enough 
to send the badger into the weeds. 


"How's that love affair, Red?" asked 
one of the dull badgers a few 
weeks later. "Got her down yet?" 

"No. Rancher caught on and he's 
crazy jealous. Can't get near her 
he's jumpin up after a gun." 

The university badger remarked 
that that was how the old badger 
game went—what seemed immi- 
nent somehow never came to pass. 
Life, in short, was a shuck. But then, 
he'd been denied tenure and was a 
little sour on things. 


“You looked out and saw that your vehicle was missing. 
Can you describe it?” 


175 


LD 


HING 


For Denise Richards, 
there’s no time 
like the present 


hroughout her career Denise 
Richards has embraced uninhibited 
and often outré parts. She battled giant 
space bugs in her breakout role in 
1997's Starship Troopers, then went on 
to play a murderous Lutheran beauty 
queen in Drop Dead Gorgeous and 
nuclear scientist Christmas Jones 
(who shows James Bond that Christ- 
mas comes more than once a year) in 
The World Is Not Enough. But in her 
role as a trust fund nympho in Wild 
Things, Denise, along with guidance 
counselor gone bad Matt Dillon and 
goth fox Neve Campbell, set the stan- 
dard for on-screen three-ways. Never 
in the history of cinema has an actress 
worn 750 milliliters of champagne so 
well. When we sat down with this radi- 
ant 33-year-old, our first question was, 
naturally, about her spectacular sap- 
phic liplocks. “Those were the only 
love scenes I've ever done with a girl," 
she says. “The director said, ‘Please 
have a drink before you do the pool 
scene,’ 50 we went into Neve's trailer 
and made margaritas. We just went for 
it. We had to." Now that Denise is mar- 
ried to Charlie Sheen, are the sex 
scenes more awkward? “| had more 
fun doing one with Neve than | have 
with a guy," she says. "With a girl you 
can be comfortable and laugh or say, 
‘Hey, I don't want this part to show. 
Can you move your hand?' She's a 
much better kisser than some of these 
guys, and her lips are softer. But Char- 
lie and | don't get jealous. I'm sure if 1 
had an explicit love scene coming up 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY 
STEPHEN WAYDA 


we would discuss it at length, but 
we haven't come to that bridge yet.” 

Sheen has been so supportive 
that he encouraged Denise to pose 
for PLAYBOY only a few months after 
the birth of their daughter, Sam. 
“He's been a fan of the magazine 
for years and thought it would be 
pretty cool to have his wife in it,” 
she says. “I thought it was the per- 
fect time in my life to do this, and it 
pushed me to get my ass in 
shape!" Denise and Charlie met on 
the set of Good Advice but didn't 
get together until she did a guest 
stint on Spin City. “We were smitten 
with each other when we first met,” 
she says. "There was a huge attrac- 
tion, but the timing wasn't right." 
The two had a blast spoofing Signs 
in Scary Movie 3, and Denise has 
appeared on Charlie’s latest TV 
show, Two and a Half Men. She's 
clearly Charlie's angel, but she 
doesn't take credit for taming the 
former wild man. "He straightened 
out before we met and had been 
Sober for three years," she says. 
“He was definitely in the right place 
to meet someone and settle down. 
Our daughter brought out more 
playful sides in him. For example, 
Charlie was filming Sam's birth, 
and | thought he looked sexy in 
scrubs. | said, ‘You've got to take 
these home with you.’ He did, so 
now we can play doctor. We're best 
friends and lovers, and | really think 
we complement each other.” 

We'll be seeing a lot more of 
Denise, which—as our island adven- 
ture makes abundantly clear—is a 
good thing. She plays John Cor- 
bett's high-maintenance wife in 
Elvis Has Left the Building, a wed- 
ding planner in Lifetime's / Do (But I 
Don't), a salesgirl in Fat Albert and 
a wide-eyed innocent who gets 
lured into a call girl's world by Daryl 
Hannah in the provocatively titled 
Spanish film Whore (Yo Puta). “I got 
to work with a talented female 
director and do something differ- 
ent," Denise explains. 

"| don't have any regrets about the 
things l've done in my life," she says. 
With that attitude, she's perfectly 
equipped to handle Hollywood or, 
for that matter, a day at the beach. 


“I’m spontaneous,” Denise says. “I love 
going from one thing to something else and not 
knowing what I'm going to do next." 


De 


у 

. 
ды 42 
СЗ 


Im 


` А. 


“I found out early I could make more 
money modeling than I could waitressing and scooping 
Haagen-Dazs. But I always wanted to be an actress." 


See more of Denise at cyber.playboy.com. 


PLAYBOY 


Dean Martin (a from page 104) 


"It's the veal me up there on the screen. Nothing phony. 
Everybody else on TV, they're putting on an act.” 


from daily golf games ("Dad's home"). 
Per ritual, he'd go straight for the bread 
box, butter up a slice of white, "fold it in 
half and take a big bite off the end," 
writes Ricci, who watched rapıly. “Now, 
that's livin', pally!" Dean would then 
declare, chewing the mouthful of meta- 
phor. ("See, I'm a simple man.") 
"Really, his mystique is intangible," 
Deana Martin told me. “He was just big- 
ger than life and like no one you've ever 
met before. He made people feel com- 
fortable because he was so comfortable 
with himself. He liked to be alone, but 
he was never lonely." Possessed of gor- 
geous indifference, he kept to a path 
of his own quiet design. Jeanne once 
noted, with no small sigh of resignation, 
*He has made a pattern of his future, 
and he follows it stubbornly, with a total 
lack of curiosity. What he sincerely cares 
for, after his work, is golf. Golf 
real, honest love.” Thus he would lie to 
Sinatra, “I've got a girl in my room,” to 
excuse himself from requisite nocturnal 
Rat Pack revelries. Sinatra knew he was 
lying and let him go. Dag loved to find 
sleep early, nursing his six handicap for 
the morning links (“He likes golf-ball 
thumpin’ like I like humpin'—to each 
his own!” Sinatra sang of him ага Friars 


roast). Then there is that most cher- 
ished of Dean anecdotes, whose varia- 
tions are countless. To Fallaci he told it 
this way: “Three years ago Jeanne and 
I had a party on our anniversary here 
at home. At midnight I went upstairs 
and called the police. I said, ‘I'm a 
neighbor of the Martins. Will you tell 
‘em to hold that band down?’ So they 
came and stopped the band, and Jeanne 
came runnin’. ‘Hey, Dino, the cops are 
here. Some neighbor wants to stop the 
party.’ And I said, “Too Бай.” Which 
was to say, fun is fun, baby, but bedtime 
is bedtime. 


“You know, sometimes I think I give 
off a scent or something, arouses the 
female,” he informed Montgomery 
Clift in The Young Lions (1958), his first 
real picture after busting up with Jerry 
Lewis. (Dean winningly portrayed a 
reluctant playboy draftee who kills 
Marlon Brando, a very likable Nazi.) For 
the record, his scent was Fabergé's 
Woodhue (now defunct), diluted with a 
few drops of water. Notwithstanding, he 
drew swoons as effortlessly as he man- 
aged all else. “I don’t need money,” he 
noted as a boy singer on the make. "I'm 


good-looking.” He knew where his gifts 
shined. Onstage, he'd forever tug at his 
thick black hair: “I want people to know 
that it's mine,” he told his daughter Gail. 
‘Throughout his life he carried a split 
lower lip scarred from boxing, curling 
it into myriad smiles of debonair dev- 
astation. “This guy had 14 shades of a 
smile," marvels his longtime TV pro- 
ducer, Greg Garrison. "It took me 35 
years to figure them all out, and I'm still. 
not totally sure." While he dallied his 
share (legendarily, with Rita Hayworth, 
June Allyson and Petula Clark), in truth, 
women were not his thrill. "The truth 
is I bore the hell out of Dean," said the 
radiant Jeanne in 1968. “Most women 
do. He's not a ladies’ man. He's a man's 
man, and I like that about him." Dean's 
logic, which you may take for the ages, 
was: "Men are down-to-earth and more 
honest, and I can get a repartee with 
them, have fun. Women instead are 
crazy, crazy, crazy, and they're flighty, 
and they are always lookin' for some- 
thin’, and they always tell you how good 
they are. 1 don't wanna know how good 
they are." Therein lay his particular 
genius as an entertainer: “You know, 
more men want to see me than girls," 
he once explained. "You know why? I 
never sing to the girl. I figure that some 
guy is paying the bill, and here I am 
singing to his girl, then he's going to 
get threatened. I don't flirt with the girls 
like Wayne Newton does. I sing over 
their heads. This way, the guy comes 
back with his girl. Or maybe he comes 


SINCE 1783 


Î AGED 7 YEARS 


Evan Williams. 
Aged longer to taste smoother. 


NE 
Broa sea Wise Bay econ SLAG O T 


PLAYBOY 


188 


back with a different girl.” Dean smiled 
here, in case you were wondering. 


“Do you know that I spill more than he 
drinks?" Sinatra liked to say. "That's an 
actuality” Famously, Dean's license plate 
read DRUNKY, but he relished being а 
lightweight who fooled the world. After 
bolting from Lewis—Martin and Lewis, 
please note, were merely considered the 
biggest act in the history of show business 
(look for Jerry's memoir Dean and Me: А 
Love Story in bookstores next year)—he 
invented a new public persona to leaven 
his workload and stay funny. “Everybody 
loves a drunk,” he said, which rang true 
enough back then. Thus, he openly 
copped from the great saloon comic Joe 
Е. Lewis: “You're not drunk if you can lay 
on the floor without holdin’ oi 
laughs were huge, conspiratorial 
sorry for people who don't drink,” he'd 
maunder with glass in hand, “because 
when they wake up in the morning that's 
as good as they're gonna feel all day.” But 
onstage it was mostly apple juice. “And 
here's the topper,” he once revealed. "1 
hate apple juice.” 

“No one has ever seen me drunk,” he 
said at his height of fame. 1 know I never 
did some 25 years later when 1 discov- 
ered that he drank and ate alone nightly 
ata Beverly Hills Italian joint called La 
Famiglia, which eventually closed and 
forced him a few blocks away to another 
one called Da Vinci. Like dockwork he 
was delivered by seven in his white Rolls- 
Royce and seated at his booth near the 
bar, where his records quietly played on 
the sound system. Sometimes he would 
softly sing along with himself—"God 


didn't make little green apples." Once in 
awhile Jeanne and his actor grandson 
Alex Martin (Josie and the Pussycats, Can't 
Hardly Wait), son of Dean Paul, would 
join him—for drinks only. Dean pre- 
ferred to eat alone. Alex remembers a 
knowing look exchanged by his grand- 
parents one night as the music crooned 
on. "What?" he asked them. Said Dean, 
gesturing toward the air, “There was a 
key change there, pally. I went up a big 
octave." (Alex, by the way, got his grand- 
father's latest hit collection off iTunes, 
"legally.") Such was Dean's life in the 
homestretch, which arrived when Alex's 
father, the actor turned pilot, flew his 
Phantom fighter jet into a mountain on 
March 21, 1987. Dean, who despised fly- 
ing and had barely overcome a mortal 
fear of elevators, began his own death 
march that same day. “He was never the 
same," says, well, everyone. Performing 
was kept to a bare minimum. Sinatra 
drove him nuts during the goddamn 
1988 Rat Pack tour (launched mainly to 
cheer up Dag), pretending they were all 
still young gods. Dean went home after a 
week (pissing off Sinatra royally) and 
gave up Vegas altogether three years 
later—but not before Madonna and San- 
dra Bernhard, whoever the hell they 
were, went one night to see him. By then, 
golf was no more—too many aches and 
pains—so all that remained for him to 
do, quite happily, was spend days in bed 
watching television (any cowboy show 
would do) and nights at the restaurant, 
where he shook the hands of the nice 
folks who still remembered him. (Always 
he stood ifa woman approached.) Usu- 
ally he would smile and wave to the 
paparazzi who came to capture his with- 


“You're sure, no firearms, explosives or missiles? Just gold, 
frankincense and myrrh?!” 


ering shell, once so immaculate and 
proud. “He knew the game,” writes Ricci, 
who stifled his own outrage. “That was 
Dad. Take your pictures.” 

Anyway, I went to see him dozens of 
times during those last years—oddly, just 
to make sure he was okay. (In the old days. 
1 might add, Elvis would drive past Dean's 
house late at night to savor mere proxim- 
ity to his hero.) Sometimes 1 took friends 
who knew his greatness, one being Dean's 
eternal number one fan, Regis Philbin, 
who was there the evening of O.J. Simp- 
son's Bronco chase; Dean watched the 
drama unfold on the bar TV along with 
everyone else. “It was like going to see the 
Eiffel Tower," acknowledges Joe Man- 
tegna, who played Dean beautifully in the 
bad HBO film The Rat Pack and saw him 
once at the Hamburger Hamlet on Sunset, 
Dean's Sunday haunt. “You got ease from 
just looking at him.” There was, in fact, 
something noble and heroic about him no 
matter how enfeebled he became. Toward 
the end, he brought his teeth in the 
pocket of his navy Members Only wind- 
breaker. Meticulously, he would measure 
three spoonfuls of club soda to mix into his 
J&B scotch (“It stands for Just Booze,” he 
used to shrug). The process was unhurried 
and lovely. Normally 1 gave him a brief 
“How are you, sir?” and let him be. The 
last time I saw him was the night afier I'd 
gone to the Shrine Auditorium for Sina- 
tra's 80th birthday extravaganza, where 
Springsteen, Dylan and others serenaded 
the cantankerous leader. I told Dean that 
Frank clearly hated it. He smirked. 
(“Whenever he talked about Frank,” says 
Alex Martin, “he would have a smirk.”) I 
also told him, for whatever it was worth, 
that everybody still knew he was the cool 
one. “Thanks, pal,” he said and gave me 
his giant paw. He quit going to the restau- 
rant a couple of weeks later—quit eating 
all but entirely, I learned. Days later he was 
gone. “He did absolutely what he wanted 
to do, and he went the way he wanted to,” 
his agent Mort Viner told me at the time. 
“He went to sleep on Christmas Eve, and 
that was it.” 

Long before, at another Beverly Hills 
restaurant, he'd stepped outside after 
dinner with his family and given the 
parking valet the stubs for their two cars. 
“We always had to have two cars, because 
there were so many of us,” his daughter 
Gail told me. “So we were waiting and 
waiting, and the valet couldn't find Dad's 
car. Dad waited a little longer, then 
walked across the street to the Jaguar 
dealership and bought a new one. He 
said, Jeanne, bring them home.’ And off 
he drove.” Apparently, wherever he per- 
formed, he pinned to the dressing room 
wall a cartoon someone once clipped for 
him in which one grunt office worker 
says to another, “When I die, I want to 
come back as Dean Martin.” Same goes 
for me, pally. At least I have his pants. 


(©2004 Thompson Giger Company 


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PLAYBOY 


Mailer 


(continued from page 98) 
NM: Leave me out of it. 
JBM: Го this day people who read “The 
White Negro” when they were teenagers 
come up to me, and they want to argue 
with me about it. It still affects them 
nearly 50 years later. I don't think any 
essay written by anyone today could do 
the same. There are too many other 
forms of media that are digested more 
easily, too easily. 

That's one reason Michael Moore is 
interesting. He’s aware that while his 
books are good and serve his purpose, he 
is going to reach so many more through 
his movies. The problem is you can't get 
the same depth of an idea across in а 
sound bite. There’s no way. 
хм: Why not use a rating system for 
ideas? The most profound ideas are those 
one is willing to die for. By that measure, 
Karl Marx has to be one of the greatest 
writers who ever lived, because hundreds 
of thousands of people in his time and 
after were willing to die for his ideas. All 
over the world, millions were willing to 
go to prison for them 

"This is not to raise a latter-day defense 
of Marx. He had incredible virtues as a 
thinker. From my point of view, he also 
had his lacks. He certainly didn't under- 
stand that atheism is not a way to win the 
world. You can't—not by that route. Half 
the people alive—or is it three quar- 
ters?—have instinctive notions that God 
exists. I think the real failure of Bolshe- 
vism, and then Stalinism, was clinging to 
the idea that religion is the opium of the 
people. Organized religion may well be 
its own species of narcotic, but the con- 


cept that we are part of divine creation 
is something else altogether. 

If we're ever going to have а great soci- 
ety in the future—which is hardly a guar- 
anteed conclusion—if we ever build a 
world with real freedom, we may have to 
arrive at the recognition that we can dis- 
pense with fundamentalism and live 
instead with the idea that God is a 
Creator, not a lawgiver. 

JBM: To shift the subject back to your 
home turf, who is going to be the last 
novelist? 

мм: Probably someone analogous to the 
poor poet today who is writing five-act 
verse plays in iambic pentameter. I do 
foresee a day when very few will look at 
serious fiction. Instead they will read 
computer novels. The computer is bet- 
ter suited than a mediocre novelist to 
turn out a best-seller. But not too many 
people will still be interested in serious 
literary work. Whole populations will be 
looking for technological power rather 
than exploring those moral questions 
they hope to ponder anywhere but in 
the serious novel. 

The best fiction has always been the 
seedbed for the most interesting and sub- 
ue moral questions—questions that at 
best go deeper than the wisdom you can 
receive in any church or synagogue or 
mosque. When it comes to moral para- 
dox, theology is limited. It's too struc- 
tured. Interesting morality almost never 
fits prearranged moral codes. It's only 
the novelist—the very good novelist — 
who can deal with such moral issues as 
"Am I on balance a good person or a bad 
one?" You don't find that out by declar- 
ing, “Well, I'm good because I obey the 
Ten Commandments." That doesn't 


“First of all, Га like to thank you both for choosing 
a different sex lo marry.” 


make you good. You can still be a hor- 
ror if you restrict the lives of others with 
your piety. The real question is, How do 
you affect other people's lives? The best 
novels are marvelous for delving into the 
subtler questions of our nature. 

After all, what is human nature? We're 

still finding that out. It is immensely 
various. even as God, 1 believe, 15 
immensely various. We're the children, 
if you will, of the Creator. I believe that 
God doesn’t want to give us orders from 
above; rather, He wishes us to discover 
things about our nature that we can 
send back to Him. Or Her. Does the 
parent always wish to be superior to the 
child? No, Most parents want their chil- 
dren to surpass them. 
івм: One would hope that very reason is 
enough to keep the novel alive. 
NM: You're leaving out the social imper- 
atives of the people who run things. An 
immensely powerful global capitalism 
is shaping up. That capitalism does not 
need or look for inquiry into delicate 
matters. Its need, rather, is to keep the 
bullshit train running at top speed. It 
has to enforce the self-serving notion 
that corporations are good for human 
existence. It needs to have most people 
believing that big business is the only 
way to do it. The last thing those gen- 
tlemen need is novels. 

Part of the genius of corporate capi- 
talism is that it has found much subtler 
ways to control people than the old Stal- 
inist procedures. Those methods were 
brutal, dull, cold, stupid and openly 
oppressive. The modern form of op- 
pression is nuanced; it gets into your 
psyche—it makes you think there’s 
something wrong with you if you're not 
on the big capitalist team. So corporate 
capitalists don't want writers exploring 
into morality. They want one morality, 
theirs. Unlike Stalinism at its worst, it's 
more of a benign regime, superficially 
open and ready for the development of 
technology that will make all our lives 
extraordinary. Sure, technology will end 
up keeping us alive until we are 150 
years old, even if three quarters of each 
of us will be replacement parts. “I'm on 
my fourth heart,” says the man who is 
200. I'm not sure that's either God's 
intention or the real human intention. 
It may be an ultimate destruction of the 
human spirit to stay alive beyond a сег- 
tain point. Maybe death is as important 
to life as life itself. То keep extending the 
years of your life—that could be one 
more form of evil. Much too much is 
being taken for granted today. 

But I must go back to the original 
point: The good novel, the serious 
novel, is antipathetic to corporate capi- 
talism. The best-seller is one of the 
props of corporate capitalism precisely 
because it’s an entertainment. “At the 
end of the day, I want to have fun,” says 
the nine-to-fiver. "Give me asshole TV 
shows, exploitation films with lots of. 


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192 


bang. I don't need to read a good 
book—I want a page-turner.” Well, every 
time there's a page-turner to read, some- 
one's mind is being dulled. Even page- 
turners can get into interesting questions, 
but dependably they will always veer 
away from moral exploration. 

Jam: You're talking about good art, which 
pushes you. 1 think the challenge, 
though, is to make a serious novel enter- 
taining so people can't put it down. 
That's the only way to compete with the 
various other forms of media. 

NM: I started as that kind of writer, and I 
know how easy it is. It's routine to write 
а page-turner, There are such simple 
rules, I can teach any mediocre writer to 
turn one ош. But I'm interested in some- 
thing that’s good enough and well 
enough written so that you have to stop 
on the page and read a sentence over a 
few times. Why? Because it vibrates 
ithin you. A page-turner is equal toa 
fast-paced sitcom. 

JBM: What are your thoughts on the 
power that Oprah Winfrey wields over a 
book? You know, recently she put Anna 
Karenina on her book-of-the-month list, 
and it became a best-seller again. 

мм: I salute her for that. It so happens 
Anna Karenina is one of my all-time 
favorite novels. I had that and War and 
Peace on my desk while I was writing The 
Naked and the Dead. То get sicamed up to 
write every morning, ГА read five or 10 
pages of Anna Karenina. So yes, | applaud 
her for that. 


вм: Because she has such mass appeal, 
she can take something that is hard to 
read and make it a best-seller. That gives 
me hope. 

NM: But if she keeps doing it, her popu- 
larity will begin to diminish and then 
we'll begin to see the real test of her char- 
acter. Is she devoted to great literature or 
is she, quite naturally, a little more 
devoted to the power of her own career? 
твм: Perhaps through the power of her 
own carcer she can raise great literature 
back to the popular level of best-sellers. 
мм: No. No person can do that. You're 
so young you still believe in the power 
of individuals. The hard fact—which I 
would like to see develop in you, my 
friend, over the next 10 years—is a 
much deeper sense of social structure. 
Because society is paramount. It's as if. 
we're little animals running through the. 
machine. Occasionally we touch a switch, 
something starts, we start another little 
machine, but we can't really alter the 
nature of the machine that much. Not 
without great study and long-term devo- 
tion, plus willingness to get into the 
grease of the gears. 

JBM: And great luck. No, I respect the 
complexity of the social machine—I don’t 
think one person can change it by him- 
self, but 1 do agree with Robert Е. 
Kennedy that every action you take 
sends ripples out into the pond. Those 
ripples affect the machine. 

мм: The ripples die out. 

твм: Unless they're strong enough. 


ON THIS DATE IN 2004 — SANTA SIGNS 
AN HISTORIC AGREEMENT TO BEGIN OUTSOURCING 
THOUSANDS OF JOBS TO THE SOUTH POLE. 


NM: How many times has a ripple in a 
pond changed the nature of the shore- 
line? Let's stop the crap. 


PLAYBOY: Women. Did female sexuality 
shape human evolution? According to a 
theory in Leonard Shlain's recent book, 
Sex, Time and Pouer, menstruation is what 
enabled women to develop a sense of 
time and forethought. Language 
evolved, he says, primarily because men 
and women had to negotiate sex. Women 
became expert at reading between the 
lines of various Pleistocenes. Beauty was 
developed to maintain the interest of 
men. Is this why women control men? 
NM: I haven't read the book, but that 
theory does strike me as wobbly. For 
example, negotiating sex. Where is the 
new idea there? After all, animals cer- 
tainly negotiate sex. I had two standard 
poodles once, many years ago, Tibo and 
Zsa-Zsa, and Zsa-Zsa was one hell of a 
bitch, always nipping at Tibo's nuts, I was 
afraid Tibo would end up as no man at 
all by the time he came of age—we first 
had them when they were pups. How 
she dominated him! She had fierce 
teeth. He'd have to duck and sit down 
fast. These earlier negotiations taught 
bim a lot, however. He came to see what 
was not yet called for. The moment Zsa-Zsa 
came into heat for the first time, however, 
he was ready and scized her without a by- 
your-leave and impregnated her. Nine 
pups for one coupling. Over the next 
three years, before they were done, they 
created 34 new standard poodles. Nego- 
tiations never ceased. Animals not only 
have a great deal of language in their 
grunts, their groans, their whines, their 
moans, their baying at the moon, but in 
their scents. Odor used to have more to 
do with sex than language—at least until 
deodorants came on the scene. But 
before the advent of whiff-deadening 
products in spray cans, any combination 
of strong genital odor mixed with per- 
fume was pretty damned aphrodisiacal, 
yes sir—all through every barnyard and 
royal court of Europe right through the 
Second World War. So the notion that 
language had to be developed to facilitate 
sex cannot, by my lights, make it as the 
logo on a T-shirt. 

18m: How about this sense of time and 
forethought Shlain claims was developed 
through menstruation? 

мм: That's too large а question for me. 
эвм: Well, how about one that is not: Do 
women control men? 

мм: Completely. 

вм: I'm glad you agree. 

nm: Before women’s liberation came 
along, men used to have some purchase 
on control in a marriage. Perhaps 35 per- 
cent. The woman had the remaining 65. 
Now, after women's liberation, it's up to 
95 percent. 

Jem: Wow! 

Мм: I could be wrong, maybe it’s only 85 
percent. 


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PLAYBOY 


194 


sem: 15 this why men are forever at a loss 
in regard to the dominance of women? 
мм: Well, women are closer to creation 
than we are. Sothey have deeper instincts. 
sem: They create life; we destroy it. 

NM: Oh, let's not get into that. Women 
have deadened as many men in subtle 
ways, for subtle reasons, as men have 
beaten women down in more overt 
fashion. 

JBM: I'm not saying one is more vicious 
than the other. I’m saying, traditionally, 
men have gone to war, and women have 
raised the children. That's changing. 
Women are going to war, and we've seen 
what happens at Abu Ghraib. 

NM: Yes, that poor pregnant girl.... 

эвм: I feel for her. 

NM: You do? 

вм: She was in the wrong place with the 
wrong guys, feeling the wrong pressures, 
and now she's all alone. 

NM: She really is. I can also see how wild 
the parties are getting all over America 
this season. The key factor at Abu 
Ghraib was "Hey, none of you at home 
are going to believe this until you see 
our photographs." While a lot of that 
picture taking was probably given a sub- 
tle go-ahead by their superiors, and 


some of the photos could obviously be 
employed to goad the prisoners into 
talking—" You don’t want your family to 
see you like this" —the Abu Ghraib gang 
was also delighted to send a lot of the 
good stuff home to friends. Just think of 
the kind of party that's been going on 
back in America while Bush keeps talk- 
ing about how splendid a Christian 
nation we are. You know, I love this 
country with all its faults—it's been 
good to me—but one of our huge spir- 
itual crimes is that we're the bullshit 
kingdom of all time. 
JBM: The bullshit kingdom of all time? 
Well, that's a piece in and of itself. Let's 
stick to men and women for the 
moment. What do you think of gender 
roles now that women are expected to 
raise a family and be successful in the 
workplace? 
NM: For me, any notion that males are 
superior to females or females superior 
to males is, I'd say, like comparing dogs 
to cats. To my mind, it's a hopeless argu- 
ment. Men are so fundamentally differ- 
ent from women. 

I still have to say that the desire for 
power in women that has revealed itself. 
1n the past 35 years is not attractive. The 


“I could be the spirit of Christmas gifts yet to come.” 


power they used to have was vastly 
more interesting. It used to be fun to 
realize a woman was smarter than you 
In the course of living one's life and 
learning how to handle oneself, there 
were women who developed such tasty 
subtleties about how to control us. They 
were like animal handlers, if you will. 
And the animal, even the lion, almost 
always adores the handler. Now they re 
dominating us openly and in the worst 
way—by ideology. “The whip and the 
knout for you, buddy. We are the polit- 
ically correct.” 

JBM: J don't think I agree with that. It's 
changing. There was the height of polit- 
ical correctness that bordered on fas- 
cism, and it was terrifying. But the 
majority of the women I know, they 
want a real man—they don't want a шап 
they can walk all over. 

NM: Well, good. I'm 81, and these 
unhappy experiences happened to me 30 
years ago. 

вм: You were living then at the peak of the 
gender war. But what's truly encouraging 
now is that I believe both sides are begin- 
ning to realize that we need more women 
in power but women who do it the way a 
woman does it, not the way a man would 
do it if he were a woman. 

мм: How is that relevant to what we're 
talking about? 

звм: Well, we're just now starting to see 
women getting into power positions and 
still being allowed to be women. They 
don't have to pretend to act like a man. 
NM: Name a few, would you? 

эвм: Arianna Huffington, Laura Dawn of 
MoveOn.org, Hillary Clinton in her way. 
NM: Hillary Clinton is a very good exam- 
ple. I met her many years ago when she 
was the governor's wife in Arkansas. 
Probably in 1984. She was immensely 
intelligent. I happened to sit next to her 
at dinner, and we had a very good con- 
versation. I was impressed with how 
bright she was, how open, and what a 
fine mind she had. She's not as interest- 
ing now. Today she's a politician. She's 
very cautious. Her books are boring. 
What's that one, It Takes a Village? Full of 
cant, the way Maggie Thatcher was full 
of cant. You say what's useful to say, not 
what you believe. You never speak from 
the heart. Hillary is always watchdogging 
her tongue these days. Totally unsponta- 
neous in exactly the way an average 
mediocre-to-good, effective politician 
oversees his spiel. 

JEM: But as we said before, she's a politi- 
cian at a high level—she has no choice. 
NM: So why get excited about her as a role 
model? 

JBM: I'm not saying we're there yet. But 
I do have hope that the future players 
are beginning to emerge. 

NM: АП right. 1 can see a time when 
women will be more important politi- 
cally than they are now, and for better 
reasons, but that doesn't mean anything 
much is going to change. In a certain 


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196 


sense, a politician, regardless of gender, 
is neutered politically by the process. A 
lot of politicians may be attractive in per- 
son because, after all, they're pressing 
the flesh. АП the time. Shake a thousand 
hands in a morning and an afternoon, 
and you're horny by the end of the day. 
The hands are telling you something. 
Where's the guy who won't get a hard- 
on if he's admired by a lot of women? 
Nonetheless, politics dehumanizes you. 
I don't say this out of sour grapes, 
because when I ran for mayor in that 
Democratic primary back in 1969, 1 con- 
sidered it my duty. Believe it or not, Г 
felt God wanted me to go into politics to 
save New York. I was a high-octane fool. 
And I wasn't nearly as good as I thought 
I'd be. All the same, I was prepared to 
pay the price. I knew I would never 
write again in any serious way if I got 
elected. I knew I would use up my soul 
in hard work of a sort that would not 
be happy for me. But I felt, “I haven't 
been a good guy; I want to save my 
soul.” Now that was not only simplistic 
thinking—which is no drawback to run- 
ning for office—but I turned out to be 
an ineffectual politician. All the same, I 
was ready to bite the bullet. What I 
learned from the effort and the defeat is 
that politics can be a tremendously dif- 
ficult business. You know, we respect 
even mediocre professional basketball 
players because they have stamina. Well, 


very few humans can become good 
politicians due to the amount of work 
you run into. The responsibilities. The 
number of distasteful things you have to 
do. So I don't sneer at politicians. I think 
they're entitled to the same kind of 
respect we give reasonably good ath- 
letes. Stamina is impressive. But 1 don't 
have any illusion that in becoming a 
politician you become a nobler person— 
very rarely does that occur. The only 
reason it happens once in a while is 
because it's an impossible creation if you. 
can't have exceptions to every last rule. 


тілұвоу: You've said, “As many people 
die from an excess of timidity as from 
bravery. Nobody ever mentions that.” 
Would you care to give an explanation 
of courage? 

NM: I have one. It's ready-made. Courage 
can be measured only by the place from 
which you start. Picture an old lady who 
is ill in every joint, terribly arthritic; 
nonetheless she has to cross a busy street, 
and she can't quite keep up with the 
lights. Still she feels an іппет imperative 
to do it. And she does manage to get 
across even though she's terrified. 1 would 
call that courage. I would say it is analo- 
gous to the case ofa well-trained Marine, 
a good kid, who gets into combat, sees 
his buddies wounded, sees a good friend 
killed, goes through hell. He gets to the 
point where he expects he will die. Until 


"That was fast! A split second ago I was in a cave in 
Afghanistan rubbing a magic lamp.” 


that moment, you can't really speak of his 
courage. He’s been trained to be brave— 
you can motivate young people to be 
brave. But when you get to that crux in 
combat where you say, "It's not worth it. 
I'm scared shitless, I can't go on, I want 
to quit, I don't care about my buddies, 
fuck it all, I want to quit," and then 
another side of you takes over and says, 
“You will go on, whether you die or not, 
you will go on"—that's courage. 
Otherwise courage can be meaningless. 
If you're in a very easy war and very well 
trained in your martial skills, you may 
feel panic, but you're prepared to be 
brave. So I would say courage is tran- 
scendence. Whatever our level of com- 
petence at more or less hairy activities, we 
are still obliged to go beyond ourselves, 
to transcend ourselves, if we wish to rise 
so high as courage itself. 
That's why I say timidity kills. It kills 
more pcople than bravery because every 
time one is timid, one is pulling back 
creative impulses in onesclf, denying 
them. One is denting one's ego. And as 
an ego contracts out of shame, illness 
begins. This is my opinion 
JBM: So courage is always a virtue? 
NM: Absolutely! Make it the virtue. I 
would go so far as to say that it's very 
hard to feel love if you're full of shame. 
We can feel love for someone else only 
when we have gained respect for our- 
selves—it's why we have this endless 
obsession with courage. Where is the 
man who can ignore it? It's analogous 
to a woman who will wear no makeup, 
no jewelry, won't comb her hair, because 
she hates women who are elegant, feels 
those women are phony. “I want to be 
seen as my natural self.” Yet that woman 
can never sneer at elegance with full 
confidence. A part of her feels there's 
something wrong with her. She isn’t 
ready to get the utmost out of herself. 
By the same token, some men sneer at 
bravery, always ready to point out how 
much trouble it breeds. Of course it 
does. A macho brute is a macho brute. 
But not even a saint can sneer at brav- 
ery with a completely clear and open 
heart. Not even a saint. 
JBM: You know, one of the outcomes of 
living in such an organized society 
where everything is taken care of for 
us—men don't go out and kill their food 
for survival, etc.—there's a complicity, 
almost a sense of deliberate amnesia 
that what it all comes down to is ulti- 
mately we're fucking animals. And we 
will fight each other and if necessary kill 
when our own is attacked. And I don't 
know if this is true for every man out 
there, but I would say 90 percent of the 
men I know, when they meet another 
man, under the pleasant conversation is 
the question “Can I take you, or can you 
take me?" And usually it's a kind of fun, 
but regardless it's always there. Somc- 
thing like 9/11 reminds us all on a 
national level that tomorrow, like that 


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[snaps fingers}, all of this societal bullshit 
could be gone and we're back to grunt- 
ing and defending our fire. That's 
important. I think it's one of the major 
differences between the mentality of a 
man in the new millennium and the 
mentality of a man in the 1990s, when 
political correctness was all the rage and 
the sensitive ponytailed guy was getting. 
laid more than he should. 

NM: Well, I think you have an unbalanced 
situation when the sensitive—or over- 
sensitive—ponytailed guy is getting laid 
more than the macho brute. 

JBM: I don't know that he was getting laid 
more than the macho brutes, but he was 
certainly getting laid more than he 
should. And for too little. 

NM: Oh, you're a bigot. 

вм: I've got my prejudices. 

NM: Yes, you may have received them 
from your father. 

эвм: It’s a distinct possibility. 


рүлүвоү: In his essay "The Uncanny,” 
Freud cited Ernst Jentsch in contending 
that the strongest instances of the 
uncanny involve “doubts whether an 
apparently animate being is really alive; 
or conversely, whether a lifeless object 
might not be in fact animate.” We live in 
an age when such distinctions have 
become even less clear. This is indeed 
frightening. We're overmatched by our 
technology. Our ability to comprehend is 
exceeded by the ability to construct and 
fabricate. You haye spoken of the inani- 
mate—that which cannot be animated. 
Increasingly, it seems, we are overcome 
by this uncanniness. Is there more of it to 
come in our future? 

NM: I say absolutely yes. As long as tech- 
nology expands and expands, we're 
going to have more of such uneasiness. 
I remember back in 1969, I was down at 
the Manned Space Flight Center, south 
of Houston, covering the first landing 
on the moon, the flight of Apollo 11. In 
the book I later wrote about it, there was 
a concept called the psychology of 
machines, which discussed the immense 
amount of attention these NASA techni- 
cians gave to glitches. It truly worried 
the venture—there was something so 
spooky about glitches. NASA had the 
best technology available, yet the most 
inexplicable little malfunctions would 
occur. It obsessed them. The real ques- 
tion, I decided—even though they 
would never admit it to themselves—was 
"Do machines have a psychology?" Do 
things go wrong because machines have 
temperaments? 

твм: Are we talking about a psychology 
or a soul? 

NM: You're beyond me on that one. I was 
asking if there was an inner life in the 
machine that we were not in touch with. 
You rarely find a person now who has а 
computer who doesn't feel his magic box 
has a personality. Or cars—everyone 
feels that his car has its own presence. Of 


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course, this last is a case in which the 
uncanny doesn't scare us; it pleases us 
almost. 

IBM: You know, whenever I hook my com- 
puter up to the Internet, I feel as if I have 
allowed 10,000 phalluses to enter her 
uninvited. I am left with the realization 
that I may have cheapened the relation- 
ship. An intimacy we once shared of only 
my fingers on her keys is lost. Аза result, 
she does not work as well for те. 

км: 1 think Freud put his finger on the 
nature of the uncanny. Part of what is so 
depressing about modern technology is 
the way it cuts off our senses. One of the 
things most awful about plastic—and 
I've been fulminating against plastic, 
most unsuccessfully, for the past 30, 40 
years—is that plastic is not uncanny. It’s 
just there, inert. It's very hard to con- 
ceive of any kind of soul or spirit inhab- 
iting the stuff, because it doesn't come 
out of nature but from a truly evil- 
smelling set of factory processes. Even a 
wooden cane has a touch of personality, 
but plastic doesn't. I've always felt it is 
the handmaiden to technology. Why do 
people love technology? It gives you 
more power than you'd have without 
the technology, but you pay a heavy 
price. You become a little more inert in 
your finer sensibilities. 

эвм: Where is our technology leading 
us? A car is certainly a piece of technol- 


We 


ogy, but not until recently was there 
plastic all over it. 

NN: Yes, as they make plastic stronger and 
more analogous to steel—which they 
will—so, in turn, cars are going to be 
made entirely of plastic because, eco- 
nomically speaking, the plastic substitute 
is cheaper to work with and so offers 
more profit. No surprise then if the 
mediocrities have taken over the world 
under the banner of technology, corpo- 
rate vision and the unholy urge to pur- 
vey democracy to all countries of the 
world, whether they're ready for it or 
capable of it. But we tell them, in effect, 
“You are going to end up a democracy 
whether you want it or not.” This turns 
democracy into a farce. Because democ- 
тасу is a grace. Any true democracy is 
sensitive enough to be perishable, and 
we're in danger right now of losing our 
democracy right here. The people who 
are running the world at present, very 
badly in many places, have the feeling 
that successfully controlled direction 15 
the only answer. My feeling, of course, is 
exactly the opposite. Global capitalism 
does not speak ofa free market but of a 
controlled globe. It is alien to the creative 
possibilities that have not yet been tapped 
in legions of people who've never had a 
chance to be creative, who work and die 
without creative moments in their lives. 
But their hopes have, I believe, been 


„ SANTAS L;TTLe HeLPeRs 


buried in their gene stream for genera- 
tions and so are passed on. When tal- 
ented people emerge from no apparent 
cultural background, I see them as the 
product of these 10 generations of frus- 
tration from people who wanted to be 
more than their lives gave them. Such an 
artist is now receiving the bounty that was 
packed into the dreams of his or her fore- 
bears. This premise also works in reverse. 
Restrained evils, withheld evils, extended 
over many generations can end by pro- 
ducing a monster of a dictator. 

эвм: There's an argument that our tech- 
nology is stunting our evolution. Were we 
not spending so much time going out 
into the computer, focusing on ТУ, pro- 
cessing the constant slew of advertise- 
ments, more people would be taking the 
inner journey and evolving, perhaps, to 
a higher psychic level. Instead we're 
developing a technology in which every 
day we get closer to having one device 
that vill be your phone and your e-mail, 
your tl your that, your Internet 
access—a little device you carry with you 
at all times, programmed to know your 
likes and dislikes. This device will send 
out à signal, broadcasting your informa- 
tion to all the other devices of the same 
nature; as you pass a stranger on the 
street, say you both like to watch Star Treh, 
a little bell will go off on your respective 
machines. It will tell you that compatibil 
ity is nearby. Why are we doing this? 
NM: Because of a deep fear. We've lost the 
often crippling but nonetheless intense 
consolations of religion. Formal, orga- 
nized religion introduced many perver- 
sities into our nature, but it also offered 
many poor people some hope—if you 
were a good enough person, you'd enter 
heaven. But religion also stood in the wa 
of development of capitalism and tech- 
nology, corporate capitalism. A man run- 
ning а small business is living by his wits, 
but people enter corporations in order 
not to have to live by their instincts—or, 
most important, their fears. Only a few 
have to take responsibility. The corpora- 
tion can be a relatively benign organiza- 
tion, but it is still subtly totalitarian. And 
this is spreading. People at the top want 
to control the world because they're in 
terror that otherwise we who are down 
a little lower are going to blow it up. My 
feeling is, if the corporations take over 
the world, the globe indeed blow 
apart, because technology could end by 
violating too much of human nature. 
эвм: Hasn't technology taken over the 
world already? 

nm: Not completely, not completely. 
"There are still corners and avenues, 
games and places. 

эвм: There is still an underground. 

NM: That underground has to go a long 
way before I will take it seriously, and yet 
1 ат ready to drink to that idea. 


эвм: Cheers. 


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PLAYBOY 


200 


BASKETBALL 


(continued from page 152) 
skill who averaged 7.5 boards a game 
last season, and Chevy Troutman is 
another horse. The two make Pitt one 
of the best rebounding teams in the 
nation. Another returnee who will 
make a difference is guard Carl Krau- 
ser, who last year averaged 15.4 points 
a game. 


23. Washington The Hus- 
| kies return all five starters 
I. from last year's Pac-10 run- 


ner-up and NCAA tournament team, so 
optimism is running high. The key to 
Washington's continued success will be 
the play of guard Nate Robinson. He 
wowed NBA scouts at the predraft camp 
but changed his mind about going pro 
and returned to school. He'll get help. 
from Will Conroy and Brandon Roy in 
the backcourt. Sharpshooter Tre Sim- 
mons and inside guys Bobby Jones and 
Mike Jensen vill also contribute. 


24. Boston College This 
will be the Eagles’ last sea- 
on in the Big East. Next 


year they'll move to the ACC, which fig- 
ures to be a boon for their recruiting. 
Craig Smith, who averaged 16.9 points 
and more than eight rebounds a game 
last season, will lead the Big East lame 
duck. Jared Dudley, Sean Marshall and 
Louis Hinnant also should help keep 
the Eagles soaring. The club lacks depth 
past the first five, so injuries would 
hurt big-time. 


25. Notre Dame Basket- 
ball in South Bend doesn't 
get the ink that football 


does, but that doesn't mean the Irish 
are hoops pushovers. Their high- 
powered offense will be led by Chris 
Thomas, a prodigious scorer who av- 
eraged 19.7 points a game last season. 
Forward Torin Francis and guard 
Chris Quinn each netted just over 14 
points a game. Role players Jordan 
Cornette and three-point threat 
Golin Falls will also contribute. This 
team is good enough to keep coach 
Mike Brey smiling even after St. 
Patrick's Day. 

See the history of the Playboy All America 
basketball teams at Playboy.com. 


‘Tm a star, baby. My entourage is part of the package." 


COLLECTOR 


(continued from page 125) 
shameful side of sex. When a man buys 
art from me and has it shipped to his 
office, he's usually hiding it from his 
wife, as though it were a mistress. At 
comic-book conventions, you can spot 
the collector who has completely dis- 
placed his desires, the guy who cranes 
his neck to look past the gorgeous 
women in scanty costumes to better sec 
the display of Sunday Pogo pages. 

Such sightings are few lately, as the 
Internet has supplanted the convention 
floor. The online Comicart-l discussion 
group has more than 1,700 members, 
and we swoon over, or seethe about, one 
another's acquisitions. There is boasting 
and swaggering and jealousy and the 
occasional burst of camaraderie, all 
done via unbreachable virtual intimacy. 
‘The most pathetic moments occur when 
collectors try to share tangential pas- 
sions—for model trains, animation cels 
ог (as 1 once mistakenly did) old magic 
posters. There follows some polite 
response, but a pall hangs over the dis- 
cussion, as if someone in a perfectly 
good leg-fetish forum had said, "Hey, 
guys, what about jugs?" 

I once asked if anyone bought art 
not because they wanted to but because 
they felt they needed to buy some- 
thing. You could almost hear online 
crickets chirping. 


My best friend in this racket is Will 
Gabri-El, 34, whom I've known for a 
decade. We've never met. Maybe that’s 
hard to imagine if you're not a collector, 
but we don't need to meet—I know 
how he does deals, and that's a full 
Rorschach personality test. He's got a 
calm demeanor, speaks carefully, can do 
long division in his head and plays his 
cards close to his chest. It took me years 
just to find out what he looks like (he 
turns out to be a handsome guy in the 
mode of Prince). He enjoys standing in 
the shadows, quietly helping people 
make deals from the sidelines, though 
his online persona is aggressive, espe- 
cially when it comes to John Byrne art- 
work. He reminds me of my cousin, who 
is as gentle and calm as a Zen master 
until someone stands between him and 
his morning cigarette. 

Will and I are friends because we egg 
on each other's obsessions. In one six- 
month period I called every comic-book 
store in 24 states, about 1,000 places. I 
found three pieces of art, and though you 
might think I was an idiot—1,000 phone 
calls?—I received heartfelt congratula- 
tions from Will: Three pieces! Cool! In 
return I encourage him when he's spend- 
ing three or four times the going amount, 
crazy money, on pages from Fantastic Four 
#243. "Will, what are you going to do? 


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It's Galactus versus everybody. You gotta 
have it, man.” 

Bragging rights evolve from the diffi- 
culty ofa deal, the intransigence of the 
seller, the hoops through which people 


jump. Mike Burkey, the world’s fore- 


most collector of Spider-Man artwork, a 
guy who is single-minded even by my 
standards, loves the artist John Romita 
and wants to own at least one page of 
artwork from every issue from Romita’s 
heyday, Amazing Spider-Man #39-132 

Another collector had the complete 
Amazing Spider-Man #121 (the death of 
Spider-Man's girlfriend Gwen Stacy), 
which at the time was worth about 
$3,000. The collector would sell only if 
Burkey located and gave him a specific 
$10,000 piece of art available only as 
part of a $50,000 package. 

For the deal itself, Burkey drove eight 
hours from Ohio to New York, then his 
car—rather, his father’s car—broke 
down, then Burkey borrowed a car from 
the guy he was doing the deal with, got 
lost in a blizzard on the way home, 
plowed into a snowbank, ended up 
snowed in at a motel, called in sick to 
work for four days and paid $2,000 for 
a new transmission. But now Burkey has 
the complete Amazing Spider-Man #121. 
“That was my best deal,” he tells me. 

Burkey exemplifies the terrible balance 
between loving stuff and loving people. 
Recently he e-mailed to Comicart-] a 
chilling note about his engagement and 
its doom. Two months before the wed- 
ding day, the girl dumped him, cleaned 
out his bank accounts and sold a house 
he'd helped restore. She then married 
another guy—on the very day she had 
planned to marry Burkey. But Burkey 
didn't feel too embittered toward her, 
because a certain line was never crossed: 
"If we'd gotten married," he wrote, "and 
she tried to take any part of my Spider- 
Man collection, the kid gloves would have 
come ой! Seriously!” 

On the non-wedding day, his family 
took him out to nurse his wounds. “I 
decided to call John Romita on my cell 
phone, and my entire family and à few 
friends all got to talk to him one by one 


for about 45 minutes total! It was a blast!’ 


Somehow, though, the relief Burkey 
felt while talking to his hero makes me 
queasy. What's the moral of a story that 
begins with a woman dumping you and 
ends with your passing a cell phone 
around so your family can talk to the 
man who drew the funny books you read 
as a child? It seems like the outer edges 
of a bog that Swamp Thing himself 
would find depressing. 

A couple of years ago the downside of 
this hobby started bothering me. The 
bright sparks 1 felt when acquiring art- 
work didn’t help. I kept thinking about 
the emptiness I saw in some of my peers’ 


eyes, about how one guy had a dealer 
meet him at his current residence, a 
homeless shelter: 

My father sent me a copy of Werner 
Muensterberger's Collecting: An Unruly 
Passion, a psychoanalytic treatise on col- 
lectors. 1 found it devastating. Muen- 
sterberger argues that, for collectors, 
items become invested with mana, or 
magical power, the way a teddy bear or 
any transitional object does for a child 
Teddy won't leave you when Mom does. 
‘Teddy will protect you from the dark- 
ness. Eventually, since people—like 
Burkey's ex-fiancée—fail you, having 
the best damned teddy bear on the block 
can be your reason to get out of bed in 
the morning. 

Muensterberger concludes that, re- 
gardless of what is being collected, “the 
objects are all ultimate, often uncon- 
scious, assurances against despair and 
loneliness." And unfortunately;no stock- 
pile of bears is ever good enough. The 
despair always returns. 

Viewed through that black lens, the 
discussions on Comicart-l veer past the 
pathetic and into the bleak. Around 
Christmastime last year, a San Francisco 
collector named Bill Howard announced 
it was his 49th birthday, a celebration 
made melancholy by his chronic lym- 
phocytic leukemia: “I get to spend the 
day with the drip, drip, drip of chemo, 
but what the heck. I'm still kickin’, and 
there's always Comic- to help relieve the 
days of recovery.” 

There wasa funereal gloom to this, and 
as I read the respectful responses, they 
felt like condolence cards, black-bordered 
announcements. No matter how much 
art you owned, you couldn't turn back 
your mortality. It was a grim day. 

But then a guy named Jon Mankuta 
posted a response: “Happy birthday, bud- 
дуууу! I've taken your house key...and I 
sealed off your garage and filled it with 
Jell-O, so we have a wrestling ring. Candy 
and Tanya installed a trapeze over your 
new vibrating, heart-shaped water bed. 
In the kitchen, there's a big cage filled 
with 43 ferrets. Be carefull [sic], they've 
been dipped up to their necks in warm 
vasaline [sic] (I'll get to that later...).” 

And so on. Mankuta, a frequent poster 
to the list, had outdone himself. Midgets, 
dildos, Hostess Twinkies—a long-winded 
dumb joke whose vitality was so wrong 
it was right. His jolly giving the finger to 
death shook me up. Maybe I was wrong 
to think the hobby was a kind of pathol- 
ogy. Maybe it was just fun, and the addic- 
tion and the 12-stepping was my gilding 
the psychological lily, finding problems 
where no problems actually existed. 


Which brings me in a larger way to 
Mankuta, whom, God help me, 1 envy in 
a certain way. Гуе met him numerous 
times, and he's hard to ignore. He's an 


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Pages 51-54: Ardbeg, Balvenie, the Dalmore 
and Macallan, all available at liquor 
stores, Douglas Homer, douglashomer.com. 


Lamborghini, available at Lamborghini 
dealershiy a.com. Wavac, 
imhaudio.com. 


HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE 

Pages 106-111: The Art of Shaving, theartof 
sbaving.com. Breitling, breitling.com. 
Casio, casio.com. Ferrari, ferrari.com. 
Harley-Davidson, harley-davidson.com. 
Klipsch, klipsch.com. Links of London, 
linksoflondon.com. Montblanc, montblanc 
«com. Motorola, motorola.com. Predicta, 
predicta.com. Raulings, rawlings.com. 
Samsung, samsung.com. Sones, sonos.com. 
Sony, sonystyle.com. Sony Qualia, qualia 
sony.us. S.T. Dupont, st-dupont.com. Tour 
Edge, touredge.com. 


THE PERFECT NIGHT 

Pages 126-128; Applewood smoked bacon, 
nueskes.corn. Organic free-range chickens, 
dartagnan.com. Pacific Foods organic free- 
range chicken stock, available at select food 
stores, such as Shaw's, Shop Rite and Safe- 


TO 


BUY 


way. Pesticide-free California 
chestnuts, chestnutsforsale 
«сот. Valrhona semisweet 
chocdate, zingermans.com. 


TIME FOR TOPCOATS 
Pages 154-161: Вташ, 212- 


Macy's. еб, 212-963- 
8000. DSquared2, available 
at Bergdorf Goodman. 
Emporio Armani, emporio 
armani.com. Gai Майо, 
219-246-6724. GF Ferré, 702-632-9354. 
Gianluca Isaia, 885 5. Giorgio 
Armani, giorgioarmani.com. Gordon Rush, 
gordonrush.com. Gran Sa 
‚com. Jean Paul Gaultier, av 
Paul Gault New York City. Just Cav- 

net. Mark Nason, avail- 


Kors, available at Mac: 
dale's. Michael Kors, а: 
Kors stores. Moresch 
Moschino, available at Venue, 
‘Traffic in Los Angeles and Skye in Den- 
ver. Paul La Fontaine, available at select 
Bloomingdale's and Nordstrom stores. 
Perry Ellis, perryellis.com. Richmond X, 
212-246-6 Royal Chie, 212-588-0: E 
Salvatore Ferragamo, ferragamo.com. 
Torino, available at Nordstrom. 


POTPOURRI 

Pages 224-225: Applied Organics, organic 
com. Bottle Cap Tripod, semsons 
raille T-Shirts, notvanilla.us. 
‚cleOps, cycle-ops.com. iTop Pro, 
itoys.ca. Let the Buyer Beware, shout 
factory.com. Martiniware, ware 
«com. Palm Pak, thepalm.com. Skybox, 
bestbuy.com. 


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absurd clotheshorse, sporting pirate shirts 
and trendy pants. His looks are average 
(his most defining characteristic is his rel- 
atively curly, preened-over black hair), 
but he has the confidence of a rock star. 
We on Comicart-l know each and every 
detail of his love life. He dates strippers 
and has “friendships with benefits” with 
various other women, We've heard how, 
when he brings a woman to his home in 
his Porsche 928$, she sees on arrival a 
Mercedes CLK 320 coupe in the drive- 
way of a nearly all-glass house that, to 
Mankuta's eyes, is rather like a starship. 
But I do not envy him his sartorial splen- 
dor, his cars or his women 

No, the key to Mankuta is in his house, 
for when he has a woman over she lies in 
a bed flanked by six-foot posters of 1940s 
comic-book covers. Mankuta made them 
himself, cutting and pasting blown-up 
photocopies to create life-size Spectre, 
Doctor Fate and Sub-Mariner figures. 
And in the closet is the heart of his pas- 
sion: portfolios stuffed with 400 pieces of 
original comic-book artwork. 

Yet even this isn’t what 1 envy the most 
about him—it's his attitude. Mankuta is a 
man profoundly untroubled by anything. 

When I've gone to the San Diego 
Comic Book Convention, I’ve increas- 
ingly watched Mankuta as if he were my 
alter ego. He is always good-natured, 
juvenile and relentlessly self-promoting. 
Walking through crowds as if flashbulbs 
were going off in his face, he pulls out his 
portfolio, usually with some idiotic quip 
and an eye on some slinky babe across the 
room dressed as Vampirella. Unlike most 
collectors, he sees the women and—holy 
moley!—even talks to them. (His banter 
is idiotic but sincere; for reasons I don't. 
claim to understand, at least one woman 
in 20 seems to respond well.) He has no 
worries about spending four hours at a 
time standing in front of a folding table, 
trying like hell to trade two Shogun War- 
riors covers for a Herb Trimpe Hulk cover 
so he can turn it around and get that 
Godzilla cover off someone else. 

I can't help wondering, Is it possible 
that Mankuta, who calls himself the 
David Lee Roth of comic-book collecting, 
actually does this with the same angst 
that I do? 

That just doesn't seem likely. 

He is eager to be studied, explaining 
to me that, first, attention in a national 
magazine will alert people to his want list, 
and second, he figures it can advance his 
acting career. One evening on the phone, 
1 read Mankuta a quotation from Muen- 
sterberger about controlling loss and 
despair. It’s like talking to my dog. On 
the other side of the conversation is a 
friendly intelligence that in no way speaks 
my language. "No," he finally says, “I 
don't look at my art that way. I remem- 
ber where I was when I bought the comic 
and it brings back the flood of good 
memories. What could be more golden 
than childhood?" 


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Maybe not living with your parents? 
You see, Mankuta—leaning hard on 30 
years old, the David Lee Roth of comic- 
artwork collectors—still lives with his 
mother and father. 

This last detail seems like the graceless 
capper to the life of an über-nerd— 
granted, a sexually successful tiber- 
nerd—but there's a little more to this 
story than a guy just trying to save rent 
money to pursue his obsession. 

Once upon a time Mankuta lived in 
New York City’s West Village. He moved 
back home and pays the mortgage be- 
cause his parents are terribly ill. His 
father has diabetes so advanced that 
pieces of his foot have been amputated. 
Tis mother has leukemia. 

It sounds grim. He says, as if he tells 
himself this a lot, that at least his parents 
give him more privacy than his room- 
mates in the Village did. Still, he's been 
wondering what it would be like to own 
property. "Something in Los Angeles, 
maybe," he says. "My aunt and uncle 
bought something in Florida with a big 
pool and palm trees in the backyard, and 
T keep thinking about it." 


"The keys to this dream are in Man- 
kuta's hands. 

The highest prices are paid for “his- 
toric" pieces, the birth or death of a char- 
acter or other milestone events. And 
while calling the origin of Matter-Eater 
Lad historic might be demeaning to the 
Battle of Gettysburg, it does command 
the cash. 

So what then is the ultimate historical 
artwork? In 1985, DC's 50th anniversary, 
a 12 issue adventure called Crisis on Infi 
nite Earths reduced all the parallel Earths 
(а staple of science fiction) to but one 
world, wiping out 50 years of continuity 
and starting over. This thinned out the 
herd of multiple Supermen, Batmen, et 
al., generally combining them rather than. 
resorting to murder. The key moment, 
however, came when the one and only 
Supergirl was killed. As in killed and 
doesn't come back. 

The cover of 47, by Gcorgc Pércz, 
with Superman crying and holding 
Supergirl's lifeless body, hits all the 
notes: It isn't just memorable and his- 
toric, it's a striking image reminiscent in 
its own pop-culture way of Michelan- 
gelo's Pietà. It's been used on dozens of 
other covers as homages, rip-offs, paro- 
dies. And just about any superhero col- 
lector would rank it, for its combination 
of nostalgia value, significance, emo- 
tional impact and aesthetics, as the ulti- 
mate prize, the Holy Grail. 

Lord knows Jonathan Mankuta 
wanted it. Amazingly, one of his earliest 
deals, in 1997, was for all 12 covers of Cri- 
sis on Infinite Earths, including #7. He 
paid roughly $6,000—a steal even then. 


People in the hobby have an escalat- 
ing idea of prices: a lowball price, then 
fair market, then a high auction price, 
then crazy money or stupid money, 
something only an idiot would pay. Far 
off in the clouds, way above that, is life- 
changing money. 

Mankuta tells me, “Right after 1 got 
the Crisis covers, a guy asked, “What 
would it take for you to sell them?’ I 
said $100,000." But the guy couldn't come 
up vith it. Later another guy said the. 
same thing: "What would it take?" Man- 
kuta told him $125,000. When this guy 
was ready to pull the trigger, Mankuta 
got cold feet. There were certain covers 
he couldn't imagine living without. 

“They're like his lifeblood,” says Will 
Gabri-El, the third person to ask the 
magic question. And as in all good stories, 
the third time was the charm. “What 
would it take?” 

"I told him $150,000," says Mankuta. 
“That's half a house." 

It was also too rich for Will. But he 
didn't say no, because that's not his way. 
I bave done phone autopsies with Will of 
deals 1 screwed up, and he always has 
instant, quiet, John Madden-perfect 
color play on what I could have done. To 
close a deal, Will has patience and per- 
sistence and can think three steps ahead, 
which came in handy with Mankuta. 

It took a couple of years. They started 
e-mailing and phoning each other with 
trade and cash counterproposals. Will 
says, “Jon was friendly, but sometimes 
he'd say stuff like ‘Га rather whore my 
mom than sell this piece.’ And his mom 
would be right there in the room.” 

Ultimately Mankuta couldn't stand to 
give up #7, the death of Supergirl. He 
pulled it back and kept it and а few oth- 
ers. He threw in some substitutions 
instead, and in late 2002 they came to an 
agreement. Will had a year to pay it off. 

“The final price? 

Will is, as usual, circumspect. “It might 
not be good for the market,” he finally 
says, “to let those numbers out.” It was 
nowhere near the asking price, but it was 
new territory for Pérez. Still enough to 
make a down payment on a house? Oh 
yeah, and then some. 

The withholding of #7 caused Will 
some distress; successfully prying it from 
Mankuta would have been a terrific 
difficult-deal story, the kind of thing the 
rest of us would have shaken our heads 
at and slapped Will on the back for, 
telling him that cover was rightfully his. 
And what would it have been valued at— 
$50,000, $75,000? Hard to say. 

Mankuta says something I accept at 
first: “No amount Will could offer me 
could get me to part with it. The #7 is 
more important than money.” But as I 
think about it, the phrase begins to 
strike me as some kind of open-sesame 
to understanding why he was really 
keeping it. 


After I read Muensterberger’s book 
on collecting, 1 had a dark night of the 
soul, one of those nights that last about 
three weeks. I went back to my art port- 
folio with a critical eye. It seemed like a 
sprinkle of diamonds cast among a ton 
of cinder blocks. Some pieces pleased 
me aesthetically—there’s something 
attractive about the joining of words and 
pictures to form a narrative. But others 
were clearly inferior—dead space, 
sloppy inking, placeholders. Here was 
my 1921 George Herriman Krazy Kat, a 
stellar example of a strip whose artistic 
lines Picasso and James Joyce admired, 
but here also was a late Howard the Duck 
wash page Бу a writer and an artist 1 
didn't like, from a story I'd never read 
and that I'd bought because, at the 
moment, Га needed it. It was as plain as 
the difference between sipping a 1982 
Chateau Mouton Rothschild and drink- 
ing it down to the stem of the glass, 
urgently finishing the bottle. 

"The final arbiter was my wife, whose 
Episcopalian good taste my hobby had 
challenged long enough. She recom- 
mended keeping the Edward Gorey, the 
Lynda Barry and some of the Kirbys but 
for God's sake to thin out the stuff 
whose nostalgic yalue outweighed its 
artistic merit. My grip slowly relaxed. I 
sold more than half my collection, and 
I haven't regretted a single departure. 
God bless eBay. God bless other peo- 
ple's nostalgia. 

1 continue collecting but not in the 
same way. I sell more than I buy. I don't 
have that fever when I go to a conven- 
tion. Sometimes when I'm feeling stress, 
1 find myself cruising eBay the way a 
binge eater pages through the Williams- 
Sonoma catalog. But I catch myself. Usu- 
ally. I wrestle with each purchase as if it 
were the one that could send me off the 
ledge and back into the pit. 

Twelve pieces of artwork hang in my 
office. Each has a reason for being there. 
For instance, right over my desk is a Jack 
Kirby collage in which Mister Fantastic, 
floating over a weird geometric planet, is 
saying, "I've done it!! I'm drifting into a 
world of limitless dimensions!!” Which 
is exactly how I like to feel when writing. 
Below it is a Gene Colan splash with Doc- 
tor Strange helpless and paralyzed in a 
maelstrom; the text tells us only that 
“planet Earth is no more.” This is too 
often how I feel when writing, 

Puzzling over the emotional resonance 
art has, I make a phone call to Mankuta 
one night. We have an oddly personal 
conversation; though I've known him Юг 
years as a collector, the fact that I'm writ- 
ing an article has made him eager to 
expose every detail of his life. His favorite 
TV show at the moment is Survivor, and 
the idea of that kind of warts-and-all 
attention is arousing for him. "Ask me 
anything," he says, “No, really. Really." 

1t turns out he hasn't used the Crisis 


money to buy a house, though it seems to 
be well on its way to spent. He's thinking 
of selling something else, and this time 
he's sure he'll use the money to buy 
property, but he hasn't really nailed 
down any specifics yet. 

After some light chat, with Mankuta 
doing silly characters—he hopes for a 
career in voice-over work—I burrow 
down without much grace and ask, as 
carefully as I can, “When did you find 
out your mother had leukemia?” 

His voice changes. It becomes less 
cocky and more strained as he tells 
me the sad story of where she told 
him: at the Honda dealership where he 
worked. She wore sunglasses; he could 
see her crying; it tore him up. But he 
can’t pinpoint a year. “Nineteen ninety- 
six? Maybe." 

"And when did you start collect- 
ing art?" 

He can't remember this, though he's 
told me a few times already: 1996. We 
talk it through until the chronology is 
right. She told him, he moved back 
home, and he almost immediately started 
collecting artwork. But he really doesn't 
see a connection. 

All he knows is that his mother's 
leukemia is even worse than the death 
of his dog. *He was the closest thing 
had to a brother. He died in my arms,” 
he says. "He was a Dobie-coonhound 
mix— looked like Krypto,” he adds, refer- 
ring to Superboy's dog. 

“What was his name?" 

“Krypto.” He pauses here. This is a dif- 
ferent Mankuta from the one I've been 
talking to. He's definitely shaken by this. 
“You know what's ironic? My dog died in 
my arms the day after Superman died in 
the comics. That was so fucked-up. That 
was literally the worst moment in my life. 
My best friend.” 

1 сап see it clearly—his cradling the 
poor dog, the raw emotion on his face, 
the loss, the utter desolation—and I 
realize 1 can visualize it very well 
indeed. Chilled, I ask, “Is it coincidence 
or something more that you love Crisis 
3*7 so much?" 

“What do you mean?” 

"What's on that cover?" 

There is a long pause, a rare thing 
when talking to Mankuta. "I never even 
thought about it. Wow, that's amazing." 
He's talking now as much for himself as 
for me. “I'm looking at the art right now. 
Superman is devastated, and his world 
has crumbled, and that's all I could think 
of: This dog was such a sweetheart. Why 
is he suffering? Please, Lord, take him 
quietly. 1 was selfish because I wasn't will 
ing to let him go when the doctor said, 
"Let me put him to sleep.” 1 said, “There's 
always hope.’ And because of that, 1 
caused my best friend to have a painful 
death in my arms. I would give up every- 
thing I own to spare him that pain.” 

"There's a quiet moment here, and it’s 


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awkward for both of us. Then he puts пе 
on the phone with his mother, Berta. 

She's sweet and funny and a bit shy. 
She thinks the world of her son. “He 
looks like a rock-and-roll guy,” she says, 
“and he dresses flashy, I guess. He goes 
with a lot of different girls. But he's the 
sweetest guy inside. I don't think he's 
interested in settling down with a family 
the way I hope he would." She pauses. 
“He can do any voice. And he's not 
ashamed to do them for anyone." She 
laughs in a way that announces she's self- 
aware, that she knows how her son might 
come off, but she loves him anyway. 

Her medication, Gleevic, is working 
wonders. She’s off the interferon, so 
things are okay. We say good night, and 
I hurry off the phone. 

It's dark in my office. I think a bit 
about Superman, the last son of the 
destroyed planet Krypton. An only 
child, like Mankuta, but he’s also an 


orphan. And that word, orphan, won't go 
away right now. There's Superman on 
the cover of Crisis #7, cradling in his 
arms Supergirl—Kara, his only rela- 
tive—realizing that now he is the sole 
survivor of his race and completely 
alonc in the universe in a way nonc of us 
could understand. 

I try to see the art through Mankuta's 
eyes, and I find not just the past but what 
might be coming. The cover isa talisman 
and a life raft. It is literally priceless. It's 
like a ritual Day of the Dead painting of 
skeletons by an artist attempting to con- 
trol death—only in this case with an even 
tighter fist, because Mankuta actually 
owns it. The problems Mankuta has 
already suffered are hard enough, but he 
is banking against far more intimate 
losses, and no amount of crazy money 


can buy that kind of hope. 


“Sorry, kid—no Game Boys this year. Santa’s saving all his money 
to buy his little helper here a new set of knockers.” 


Dustin Hoffman 


(continued from page 169) 
was in Los Angeles, and we were away 
from each other for a few days. 1 came 
back to L.A. and told him there was 
hardly any dialogue in a scene I had to 
shoot on a certain day. 1 was supposed 
to be exhausted from running away 
from him for three days, so 1 said Га 
stayed up all night for a couple of days, 
and I winked at him. I was kidding. It 
was the days of Studio 54, and it was my 
way of saying I'd partied all weekend. 
We laughed about it. He said something 
like, “Well, why don't you try acting 
next time." It was fun. 


8 


PLAYBOY: Does effusive praise turn you off? 
HOFFMAN: It's discomfiting. When I was 
studying autism for Rain Man, I was try- 
ing to figure out how I could bring it to 
something close to me that I could 
understand. I knew all the outer things— 
autistic people don't make eye contact; 
they don't want to be touched. One 
thing most of us can do is praise the 
other guy, sometimes lavishly. But the 
hardest thing is to get praise. We 
become autistic. We stop making eye 
contact. It’s too powerful. I tracked 
down the author of Emergence: Labeled 
Autistic. She said something that made 
me understand. She said the one thing 
she wanted more than anything else in 
life was for someone to hug her, but the 
second anyone did, she couldn't bear it. 
"That sentence just destroyed me. On a 
certain level, that's all of us. We want 
praise more than anything, but once we 
get it it's sometimes painful. 


9 


PLAYBOY: Have you ever been typecast? 
HOFFMAN: No. You don't need to go fur- 
ther than The Graduate. In the book, and 
originally in the script taken from the 
book, Benjamin Braddock is a New Eng- 
land Protestant, head of the debate 
team, track star. I mean, he looks like 
Redford, and that’s how everyone 
expected Mike Nichols to cast him. In 
fact, when he previewed the film, peo- 
ple were coming up to him and saying, 
“God, it's such a good movie—it's a 
shame you miscast the lead,” because 
they couldn't process me in that role. I 
was not typecast, and typecasting is the. 
least interesting way to go, always. 


10 


PLAYBOY: What about other actors? 
Who else has been successfully cast 
against type? 

HOFFMAN: I once met Clint Eastwood, 
and it was remarkable. 1 studied him as 
I spoke to him. I looked down, and his 
pants were a little short—they showed 
a bit too much of his socks. There was 
something so timid and shy and almost. 


gawky about him in real life. 1 remem- 
ber thinking to myself, Someone should 
have cast him in Meet John Doe, the 
Frank Capra movie, because that's the 
real him. There's not a wisp of aggres- 
sion about him. That's the real essence, 
not the guy who says, "Make my day." 


11 


PLAYBOY: What young actors do you 
admire? 

HOFFMAN: Mark Ruffalo is a wonderful 
actor. I've worked with talented people— 
Jake Gyllenhaal, Jason Schwartzman. I 
don't know how young is young, but I 
just worked with Ben Stiller, and 1 think 
he’s as sharp a comedian as one could 
wish for. Adam Sandler is the only actor 
I ever called up to meet out of the blue. 
1t wasn't for me but for my kids. They 
kept talking about him. They saw his 
movies—those early ones, Happy Madi- 
son or whatever it is. They'd never asked 
if we could meet anybody, but they 
wanted to meet him. I got his number 
and called. 1 said, “I don’t know you, but 
would you do it?" He said yeah. He was 
shocked. He was an hour late to the 
house and later admitted he was so ner- 
yous that he went around the block for 
45 minutes. He couldn't even talk. He's 
a great basketball player. He played with 
my kids. 1 told him I loved Punch-Drunk 
Lowe, that it was one of the best perfor- 
mances of the year. He's a lovely man. 


12 


PLAYBOY: Would you rather hang out with 
men or women? 

HOFFMAN: For whatever reason, 1 was 
never one of the guys. I wasn't on a 
football team. I played tennis because of 
my lack of stature. I was never in a club 
in high school. I would rather be in no 
club than in the club that takes anybody. 
I was never in a fraternity. The minute 
I finished high school and left my par- 
ents’ home, I became aware of how 
extraordinary it could be to be with a 
woman on a daily basis. That's what I 
did. I got into relationships. The most 
wonderful thing was to hang out with 
your girlfriend. I don't understand the 
world of men. It's a foreign land to me. 
Men hang out. J never hang out with 
men. I have a passion for sitting down 
with a group of gals. I like the energy of 
women when they're together. They 
don't seem to have the same anxiety as 
a bunch of men looking around at who 
to fuck or discussing the deal they did 
or didn't make. 


13 


PLAYBOY: In The Graduate, you were 
seduced by an older woman, played by 
Anne Bancroft. But she wasn't that old, 
was she? 

HOFFMAN: I was 30 and Anne was 35. It's 
all lighting. 


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PLAYBOY: What was your most embarrass- 
ing moment? 

HOFFMAN: In the 1950s I would go to the 
drugstore, and it was no big thing. My 
mother wanted Kotex or something, and 
I had no problem. But to go to a drug- 
store to get what we then called prophy- 
Tactics was different. 1 wouldn't dare ask 
a woman. I saw a male and thought, 
Okay, I can ask that guy. Sure enough, 
just before he got to me a woman came 
up, and I asked for two boxes of Band- 
Aids or something. 


15 


PLAYBOY: Let's talk about sex. How did 
you lose your virginity? 

HOFFMAN: My parents went to Las Vegas 
one New Year's Eve weekend, and my 
brother Ronny threwa party. I loved that 
he let me be part of it—I was 15, and he's 
seven years older. 1 cooked steaks. It was 
one or two in the morning, and 1 saw а 
line of guys standing outside a bedroom 
door. They said, "Do you want to go 
next?" "What do you mean?" " Barbara's 
in there.” I had met Barbara, a beautiful 
older woman, about 20. She was what in 
those days we called a nymphomaniac, 
which is not a word you hear anymore. 
She was servicing these guys, one after 
the other. I had never been laid, and I 
couldn't believe my good fortune. I went. 
in. It was dark, and she said, “Is that you, 
Ronny?" I said yes, lying for fear that 
she'd reject me. I wasn't old enough to 
drive a car, so 1 thought maybe I wasn't 
old enough to drive a woman. 1 remem- 
ber whistling because I wanted to appear 
relaxed as I was taking off my clothes. It 
was wonderful. 1 came quickly and kept 
humping and humping. I thought, Is 
that all there is? 1 kept waiting for the 
next fireworks, The humping went on 
for about 20 minutes until somebody 
opened the door. It was just like a movie: 
A shaft of light was thrown from the hall- 
way onto my face, and she screamed 
because I wasn't my brother. 


16 


PLAYBOY: Were you traumatized? Was 
she? Have you recovered? 

HOFFMAN: She was shocked just because I 
wasn't my brother. I jumped off her, stark 
naked, and left the room. I was kind of 
shocked and dizzy. 1 wound up in the liv- 
ing room, and guys were sitting around 
aving beer and talking, and I was naked. 
may have been the beginning of my 
acting career without my knowing it, 
because they stood up and applauded, 
and 1 liked the applause. What was dis- 
turbing about it was that I couldn't get laid 
again for another two years. 


17 


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HOFFMAN: No. My wife told me on а cou- 
ple of occasions that I carry baggage home 
with me after work. It's not that you're in 
character, because I've never understood 
what that means. You're not some char- 
acter, you're just yourself, always, and 
you're just messing with yourself. You're 
more in an exaggerated zone of yourself, 
and that happened to me in Straight Time, 
certainly. I hung out with convicts for a 
couple of years. That was the hardest time 
my wife had living with me. The easiest, 
she says, was during Tootsie. She said I was 
the best girlfriend she’s ever had. 


18 


PLAYBOY: How do you react when people 
approach you and imitate one of your 
characters or quote a famous line? 
HOFFMAN: People tend to think they re the 
first ones to say what they say to you. Peo- 
ple have come up to me for 35 years and 
said, “Plastics.” But they look at me like 
no one else has ever said it, and that's 
what's amazing. You think to yourself, 
Well, that's about 4,500. 


19 


PLAYBOY: Midnight Cowboy was one of the 
first mainstream movies to be rated X. 


Looking at it now, it seems tame. 
HOFFMAN: When we were rehearsing it, 
Jon Voight and I suddenly said to each 
other—because we'd read the book by 
James Leo Herlihy—"These guys are 
gay.” So we went to Schlesinger, who 
was openly gay, and said, “John, why 
aren't we just playing these guys gay? 
We avoid seeing them sleep together on 
the same dirty mattress on the floor in 
their abandoned dwelling.” And John 
‚ "Ob my God, I had enough trou- 
ble trying to get the studio to give me 
money, and now you want to do this? 
Nobody will come see this.” 1 under- 
stood, and we laughed. When I did 
Hook, Bob Hoskins and I were rehears- 
ing, and suddenly we looked at each 
other and realized it at the same time. 
We said, “These guys are gay!” Hook 
and Smee are a couple of old queens, 
and it was fun. Suddenly we rehearsed 
it that way. “Get over here, Smee. Give 
me a foot massage.” We went to Spiel- 
berg, and he had the same reaction 
Schlesinger had had years before, be- 
cause he said, “This is a kids’ movie.” 
But suddenly it made all the sense in 
the world. They were really good 
friends. They lived on a ship. They 
were devoted to each other. 


Duck. 1. 


20 


PLAYBOY: You once said, "In middle age, 
you're no longer chained to a maniac.” 
What did you mean? 

HOFFMAN: One of the best things about 
middle age is that you wake up and 
you're no longer chained to a maniac. If 
you're a man, the maniac is your libido 
You still have it; you're just not chained 
to it, meaning you're not dragging it 
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ate. Suddenly I'm walking on the beach 
and looking at shells, and I'm preferring 
the shells to women walking by іп bath- 
ing suits. Someone says, “Geez, look at 
that girl.” “Yeah, but look at that shell." I 


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knock on wood—when I can say and feel, 
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take this.” I'll take 67 to the bank for the 
next 30 years. 1 want the chance to get 
older and older and older. George Burns 
said it best. When he turned 90 they 
asked, “Do you still have sex?" and he 
said, “Sure.” They said, “What's it like?” 
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(continued from page 132) 
game of a twin bill with Philadelphia.” 

“Right,” Michael said. 

Geraci lit a cigarette. “Not a baseball 
fan, ch?" 

“Used to be.” 

Geraci wasn't surprised. Seeing the 
business side of gambling ruined sports 
for a lot of the smarter guys. “This could 
be the Bums’ year,” Geraci said. 

“That's what I keep hearing,” Michael 
said. “And of course you're forgiven.” 

“For what?” 

“For pointing out the obvious.” 

Geraci lifted the steaks off the grill and 
onto a platter. “It's a gift I have,” he said. 

An hour later Geraci arrived at Two 
Toms with four of his men and posi- 
tioned them outside. He took a seat 
alone and sipped an espresso. He wasn't 
afraid. Michael Corleone, unlike his 
brothers—the brutish Sonny and the 
pathetic Fredo—had inherited the old 
man's deliberate nature. He wouldn't 
order a hit on a hunch. He'd make sure, 
no matter how long it took. Whatever 
test was coming, however galling it was 
to be tested by the likes of Michael Cor- 
leone, Nick Geraci would respond with 
honor. He was confident he would 
emerge unscathed. 

"Though he'd never heard Salvatore 
Tessio say a bad word about Michael, 
Geraci didn't doubt that Sally had 
thrown in with Barzini. He had to be 
angry about the nepotism that made a 
don out of a greenhorn like Michael. He 
had to see the folly of cutting the orga- 
nization off from its neighborhood roots 
to move west and become—what? Geraci 
had taken over countless once-thriving 
neighborhood businesses built by indus- 
trious, illiterate, immigrant fathers and 
ruined by American-born sons with busi- 
ness degrees and dreams of expansion. 

Geraci checked his watch (a college 
graduation gift from Tessio). Michael cer- 
tainly hadn't inherited the late don's leg- 
endary punctuality. Geraci ordered a 
second espresso. 

‘Time and time again, Geraci had 
proven himself a loyal member of the 
Corleone organization and, still shy of his 
40th birthday, maybe its best carner. 
Once he'd been a boxer, a heavyweight, 
both as Ace Geraci (a boyhood nickname 
that he let stick, even though it mocked 
him for acceding to the American pro- 
nunciation of his name: Juh-ray-see 
instead of Jair-4H-chee) and under 
numerous aliases (he was Sicilian but fair- 
haired, able to pass as Irish or German). 
He'd kept his feet for six rounds against 
a man who, a few years later, knocked the. 
heavyweight champion of the world on 
his ass. But Geraci had hung around 
gyms since he was a little kid. He'd vowed 
never to become one of those punch- 
drunk geezers shuffling around smelling 


of camphor and clutching а little bag of 
yesterday's doughnuts. He fought for 
money, not glory. His godfather in Cleve- 
land (who was also, Geraci gradually 
learned, the Godfather of Cleveland) 
connected him with Tessio, who ran the 
biggest sports gambling operation in New 
York. Fixed fights meant fewer blows to 
the head. Soon Geraci was called on to 
give out back-alley beatings (beginning 
with two kids who'd assaulted the daugh- 
ter of Amerigo Bonasera, an undertaker 
friendly with Vito Corleone). The beat- 
ings punished deadbeats and loud- 
mouths who had it coming and earned 
Geraci enough moncy to go to college. 
Before he was 25, he'd finished his 
degree, left the enforcer racket and was 
a rising man of promise in Tessio's 
regime. He'd started out with some dubi- 
ous qualities—he was the only guy hang- 
ing out at the Patrick Henry Social Club 
who hadn't been born in Brooklyn or 
Sicily, the only one with a college degree, 
one of the few who didn't want to carry 
guns or visit whores—but the best way to 
get ahead was to make money for the 
people above him, and Gerzci was such a 
gifted earner that soon his exotic flaws 
were forgotten. His most brilliant tactic 
was to exaggerate his take on every job. 
He handed over 60 or 70 percent of 
everything instead of the required 50. 
Even if he had been caught, what were 
they going to do, whack him? It was fool- 
proof. His overpayments were an invest- 
ment with jackpot-level payouts. The 
more he made for the men above him, 
the safer he was and the faster he rose. 
The higher he rose, the more men there 
were underneath him paying him 50 рег- 
cent. And if the greedy morons held out 
on him, he was smart enough to catch it. 
It became clear all over New York that 
there was a difference between getting hit 
by the toughest guy you ever fought and 
having your eye socket flattened into a 
bloody paste by a blow from a former 
heavyweight prizefighter. The threat of 
what Geraci could do became a part of 
the mythology of the street. Soon he 
rarely needed to do anything to get his 
money but ask for it. If that. Intimidation 
is a better weapon than a fist or a gun. 
During the war Geraci mastered the 
ration-stamp black market and held a 
draft-exempt civilian position as a load- 
ing-dock inspector. Tessio proposed him 
for membership in the Corleone fa 
andat the ceremony his finger was cut by 
Vito himself. After the war Geraci started 
his own shylock operation. He specialized 
in contractors, who at first never realized 
how front-loaded their expenses were 
and underestimated how tough it was, at 
the end of jobs, to get everyone who owed 
you money to pay (here, too, Geraci 
could be of service), He also targeted 
business owners who were degenerate 
gamblers or had any other weakness that 
made them seek quick cash. Before long 


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213 


PLAYBOY 


214 


Geraci was able to use those businesses to 
launder money and give wise guys some- 
thing to put on their tax returns—at least 
unil the time came to bust the place out. 
For 30 days deliveries streamed through 
the front door and went straight out the 
back: presents for wives and girlfriends, 
gestures of friendship to cops, but other- 
wise sold to bargain hunters from the 
neighborhood. Once the bills came, so 
too would a mysterious fire—dago light- 
ning. Geraci hated both the term and the 
crude endgame strategy, and he put it 
to rest by working on a night-school law 
degree and supplanting the fires with 
perfectly legal bankruptcy proceedings. 
He incorporated every business in ques- 
tion (Geraci had a guy in Delaware), shel- 
tering the owner’s personal assets. If the 
owner was a good sport, Geraci tossed 
in a thousand bucks and some land in 
Florida or Nevada. When Michael Cor- 
leone took advantage of his father's semi- 
retirement and covertly got involved with 
prostitution and narcotics, the businesses 
Vito had refused to enter, he'd put Geraci 
in charge of narcotics and let him hand- 
pick several men from Tessio's regime 
and from what was left of Sonny's. Within 
months Geraci worked some things— 
with the great Sicilian don Caesar Indel- 
icato, with the powers that be on the 
docks in New Jersey and Jacksonville, 
and with airports in New York and the 
Midwest, where he operated several small 
planes owned by companies the Cor- 
leones controlled but did not on paper 
own. The Corleones, unbeknownst to 
most of the men in their organization, 
were making as much from narcotics as 
anybody in America. Without that money 
they could never have amassed a war 
chest big enough to go after the Barzinis 
and the Tattaglias. 

Finally, just after nine o'clock, Peter 
Clemenza and three bodyguards walked 


into Two Toms and sat down at Geraci's 
table. Geraci took it as a bad sign that 
Michael didn't come, that he'd sent his 
caporegime instead, the one who over 
the years had supervised the family's 
most important hits. Which sealed it: Tes- 
sio was dead. 

"You eat?” Clemenza said, wheezing 
from the effort of the walk from his car 
to the table. 

Geraci shook his head. 

But Clemenza waved a meaty paw to 
indicate the restaurant's aroma. “How 
can you resist? We'll get a little some- 
thing. Just a snack.” Clemenza ordered 
and devoured an antipasto cruda, a plate 
of caponata, two baskets of bread and lin- 
guine with clam sauce. Last of a breed, 
Clemenza, almost literally so—the last 
capo Michael had inherited from his 
father, now that Tessio was dead. 

“Tessio's not dead,” Clemenza whis- 
pered to Geraci on the way out. 

Geraci’s stomach lurched. They were 
going to make him pull the trigger him- 
self, a test of loyalty. Geraci's certainty 
that he would pass was no solace at all. 

Darkness had fallen. He rode in the 
backseat with Clemenza. On the way, 
Clemenza lit a cigar and asked Geraci 
what he knew and what he could guess. 
Geraci told the truth. He did not know, 
yet, that earlier that the heads of the 
Barzini and Tattaglia families had both 
been killed. He couldn't have known the 
reason Clemenza was late: because he 
first had to garrote Carlo Rizzi, Michael 
Corleone's own brother-in-law. These 
and several other strategic murders had 
all been made to look like the work of. 
either the Barzinis or the Tattaglias 
Geraci didn't know that, either. But the 
things Geraci had been able to surmise 
were in fact correct. He took the cigar. 
Clemenza offered but didn't light it. 
He said he'd smoke it later. 


"Don't worry, hon. If your husband still believes in Santa Claus, 
he'll believe anything you tell him." 


"The car pulled into a closed Sinclair 
station just off Flatbush Avenue. Geraci 
got out and so did everyone in the two 
cars that had pulled in beside them, one 
with Clemenza's men, one with Geraci's. 
Clemenza and his driver stayed in the 
car. When Geraci turned and saw them 
there, an electric ribbon of panic shot 
through him. He wheeled his head 
around, looking for the men who would 
kill him. ‘frying to guess how it would 
happen. Trying to figure out why his 
own men stood by, passive, watching. 
Why they'd betrayed him. 

Clemenza rolled down his windo 
ain't like that, kiddo,” he said. “This 
uation here is just too...." He put both 
palms to his jowly face and rubbed it fast, 
the way you'd scrub a stain. He let out a 
long breath. “Me and Sally, we go back 1 
don't want to think about how long. 
Some things a man just don’t want to see. 
You know?” 

Geraci knew. 

‘The fat man wept. Clemenza made lit- 
ue noise doing it апа didn't seem embar- 
rassed. He left without saying anything 
more, waving to his driver, rolling up his 
window and looking straight ahead. 

Geraci watched the taillights of 
Clemenza's car disappear. 

Inside, toward the back of the first 
filthy service bay, two corpses in jump- 
suits lay in a heap, their blackening 
blood together on the floor. In the next 
bay, flanked only by Al Neri, Michael's 
new pet killer and an ex-cop Geraci had 
some history with, was Salvatore Tessio. 
‘The old man sat on a stack of oil cans, 
hunched over, staring at his shoes like 
an athlete removed from a game that 
was hopelessly lost. His lips moved, but 
it was nothing Geraci could understand. 
He trembled, but he had some kind of 
condition and had been trembling for a 
year now. There was only the sound of 
Geraci's own footsteps and, wafting in 
from another room, thin, distorted 
laughter that came from a television set. 

Neri nodded hello. Tessio did not look 
up. Neri put a hand on the old warrior’s 
shoulder and squeezed, a gesture of 
grotesque reassurance. Tessio went 
straight from the chair to his knees, still 
not looking up, lips still moving. 

Neri handed Gerad a pistol, butt first 
Geraci wasn't good with guns and didn't 
know much about them. This one was 
heavy as а cash box and long as a tent 
spike—a lot more gun than seemed nec- 
essary, He'd been around long enough to 
know that the weapon of choice in mat- 
ters like this was a .22 with a silencer— 
three quick shots to the head (the second 
to make sure, the third to make extra 
sure and no fourth because silencers jam 
when you fire too many shots too fast). 
Whatever this was, it was bigger than a 
.22. No silencer. He stood in that dark 
age with Tessio, a man he loved, and 
Neri, who'd once cuffed him, chained 


him to a radiator, punched him in the 
balls and gotten away with it. Nick Geraci 
took a deep breath. He'd always been a 
man who followed his head and not his 
heart. The heart was just a bloody motor. 
The head was meant to drive. He'd 
always thought there would come a time, 
when he was old and set, when he would 
move down to Key West with Charlotte 
and play the affluent ool. 

Now, looking at Tessio, he realized 
that would never happen. Tessio was 20- 
some years older than Nick Geraci, 
which until that moment had seemed 
like a long time. Tessio had been born in 
the last century. He would die in the 
next minute. He'd lived his life gov- 
erned by his head and not his heart, and 
where had it gotten 
him? Here. A man 
who loved him was 
about to reduce that 
same head to blood 


sio muttered, still 
looking down. 
This may have 
been directed at the 
Corleones or Geraci 
or God. Geraci cer- 
tainly didn’t want 
to know which one. 
He took the gun and 
walked around be- 
hind Tessio, whose 
bald spot, litonly by 
streetlights, gleamed 
in the darknes: 
“No,” Neri said, 
“not like that. In 
front. Look him in 
the eyes.” 
“You're fucking 
kidding me.” 


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as he was told, eyes dry, staring into 
Geraci's but already far away. He mut- 
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nothing to Nick Geraci 

Geraci raised the gun, both sickened by 
and grateful for the sight of his own 
steady hand. He pressed the barrel gen- 
tly against the old man’s soft forehead. 
Tessio did not move, did not blink, did 
not even shake anymore. His saggy flesh 
pillowed around the gun sight. Geraci 
had never before killed a man witha gun. 

“Just business,” Tessio whispered. 

What made my father great, Michael 
Corleone had said at his father's eulogy, 
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him, obliterating the hesitation he'd felt. 
He felt no remorse, no fear, no disgust, 
no anger. Гат a killer, he thought. 
Killers kill. 
He spun around, laughing not out of 
madness but joy—more intense, better 
than the rush he'd gotten the time he 
sampled his own heroin. He knew what 
was happening. This was not the first 
man he'd killed. Sometimes when he 
killed he felt nothing at all, but even 
that might have been a lie he told him- 
self. Because the plain truth was that 
killing people felt good. Anyone who'd 
done it could tell you that, but they 
won't. They won't! A book Geraci had 
read about the First World War had a 
whole chapter on the subject. Hardly 
anyone will talk 
about it because for 
most people the 
bad feeling that 
comes later, after 
the good feeling, 
shuts them up. 
Plus, any shithead 
could guess that ev- 
erything that would 
happen after a per- 
son had proclaimed 
it felt good to kill 
people—and after 
he had convinced 
his listeners that he 
was serious—would 
be entirely bad. 
Still, it felt good. 
Almost sexual (an 
other thing any shi 
head could gue: 
would be bad to 
admit). You're pow- 
erful and the dead 
guy's not. You're 
alive and the dead 


He cleared his 
throat. “I don't sup- 
pose I look like I'm 
kidding you." 

"Whose idea is 
Geraci said. 
idn't have a № | 


Rush Processing | 


| 
ORDER TOTAL |$ 


Sed REM 
‘Add $200 5 


guy's dead. You've 
done something ev- 
eryone on earth has 
at some heated mo- 
ment wanted to do 


ÛJ American Express. 


gun in his hand, but. 
Geraci could not leave this scummy ga- 
rage alive if he shot anyone but Tessio. 
From that back office, the television set 
erupted in a gale of tinny applause. 

"Don't know, don't care," Neri said. 
“I'm just the messenger, si 

Geraci cocked his head. dumbass 
didn't seem witty enough to make a joke 
about shooting the messenger. But he 
did seem sadistic enough to take it on 
himself to make the killing as cruel as 
possible. And sir? How did he mean 
that? “Salvatore Tessio," Geraci said, “no 
matter what he's done, deserves more 
respect than that.” 

“Fuck youse!” Tessio said, loud now, 
but eyes still on the slimy floor. 

“Look up,” Neri told Tessio. “Traitor.” 

Trembling no worse, the old man did 


was a great man, and I am not the only 
person here today who thought of him as 
а god among men. 
“What are you waiting for?” Tessio 
spered. “Sono fotinto. Shoot me. You 
puss; 

Geraci shot 


Tessio's body flew backward so hard his 


knees made a sound like snapped roof 
shingles. The air was filled with a glow- 
ing pinkish-gray mist. A yarmulk 
piece of Te: 

wall of the garage, smacked Neri 


face and dattered to the floor. The tang 


of Tessio's airborne blood mixed with the 
smell of his shit. 

Nick Geraci rubbed his shoulder—the 
pistol kick was like а savage 


ight cross— 
and felt a wave of euphoria wash over 


and that most never 
will. It was easy and 
it felt magnificent. 
Geraci practically skated across the 
scummy floor of that garage, certain 
that, this time, the bad feeling would not 
come later. There would be no later. 
Everything would always be now. Every- 
thing is always now. 
Geraci wanted to give every live man 
there a bear hug and a highball, but he 
settled for striding toward them, raising 
his pistol before they could raise th 
Being the cowardly cocksuckers that at 
heart they surely were, they hit the 
ground, which gave him a clear shot 
through the doorway to the office at hi 
target: the rectangle of hazy blue light 
behind them. Geraci fired. The shock he 
felt at the recoil (was Neri really stupid 
enough to give him a gun with more 


than one bullet? What a dumbass!) gave 215 


PLAYBOY 


216 


way a split second later to a dull pop, a 
puff of toxic smoke, a belched little fire- 
ball and a tiny, satisfying afterglow of 
falling glass. Human beings have never 
built a machine more satisfying to 
destroy than a television set. 

And then silence. 

For Geraci it seemed like an awfully 
long silence. 

“Hey!” shouted a raspy-voiced man, one 
of Gerac's guys. "I was watching that.” 

It cracked everyone up. Just what the 
doctor ordered. Neri patted Geraci soltly 
on the back. Geraci handed him the gun. 
"Then everyone went to work. 

Clemenza's men used a bone saw on 
the two corpses who'd been assigned to 
kill Michael Corleone. Geraci sat on that 
Stack of oil cases and watched, so flooded 
with ebbing adrenaline that everything 
seemed like the same thing. Grimy win- 
dow. Calendar with topless wrench-wield- 
ing dairymaid. Fan belts on metal hooks. 
Friend’s corpse. Button on cuff. A uni- 
verse of undifferentiated equivalency. 

When the men finished, Neri, at gun- 
point, handed Geraci the bone saw and 
pointed to Tessio's head. Around the gap- 
ing entry wound, the dead man’s flesh 
was already proud. 

Numb, Geraci took the saw and 
dropped to one knee. Later he would 
look back on this moment with fury. But 
at the time, Geraci could have been 
checking the pH in his pool. When a man 
sees things for their essential literalness, 
how is sawing off the head of a dead 


father figure so different from separating 
a succulent turkey leg from the carcass? 
A thicker bone, true, but a bone saw is a 
better tool than some knife your brother- 
in-law got you as a wedding present 

Nick Geraci closed Tessio's bulging 
eyes and drew back the saw. Later had 
come—sooner rather than later, which in 
a moment of clarity Geraci recognized as 
later's way. 

Neri clamped his hand on Geraci's 
forcarm and took the saw. 

“That was an order too." 

"What was an order?" Geraci said. 

"Seeing how willing you were to do it." 

Geraci knew better than to ask how 
willing he'd seemed or, worse, who'd 
given the order. He merely stood and 
said nothing, went blank and revealed 
nothing. He motioned toward the pocket 
of his bloodied suit jacket. Neri nodded. 
Geraci took out the cigar Clemenza had 
given him, a Cuban the color of dark 
chocolate, and sat back down on the oil 
cans to enjoy it. 

Clemenza's men stripped the assassins 
naked and stuffed their clothing and the 
10 severed body parts into a suitcase. Tes- 
sio’s corpse was left alone. 

Which was when Geraci figured every- 
thing out. 

There was no need to send a message 
to the Barzinis. Everyone involved with 
Tessio's betrayal was already too dead to 
benefit from messages. And of course the 
Corleones wanted Tessio’s body found. 
This part of Brooklyn was identified with 


“Try thinking of buying presents as foreplay and you'll enjoy 
Christmas a lot more.” 


the Barzinis. The cops would presume 
they had ordered the hit. The detectives 
would puzzle over the unidentifiable 
corpses of the assassins, and none of the 
conclusions they'd draw would involve 
the Corleones. The Corleones wouldn't 
even need to trouble their judges or their 
people in the NYPD. And it wouldn't 
take the usual forgiven gambling tabs and 
extended grace periods on loans to get 
the newspapers to fall in line. They'd play 
this just the way Michael Corleone 
wanted and would feel virtuous about 
every squalid inch of type. 

It was, Geraci had to admit, brilliant. 

With a final glance back at the corpse 
of his mentor, Geraci got into the back of 
а саг with Al Neri. Geraci wasn't afraid or 
even angry. For now, he was only a man, 
staring straight ahead and ready to con- 
front whatever came next. 


The crematory was owned by none other 
than Amerigo Bonasera. Neri had his 
own key. He and Geraci went right in the 
front door, stripped out of their bloody 
clothes and stepped into the best of what 
they could find in a back room. Geraci 
was a big man. The closest thing to a fit 
was a linen suit the color of baby shit and 
two sizes too small. Bonasera was semi- 
retired, living most of the time in Miami 
Beach. His son-in-law took the suitcase 
and the wad of bloody clothes from Neri 
and didn't say a word. 

One of Geraci's men drove him home. 
It wasn't even midnight. Charlotte was 
still wide awake, sitting up in bed, doing 
the Times crossword puzzle. She was good 
at crossword puzzles but only did them 
when something was eating at her. 

Nick Geraci stood at the foot of their 
bed. He knew how he looked in that suit. 
He cocked his head, arched his eyebrows 
ina way he hoped was comical and thrust 
out his arms the way a vaudevillian would 
as he said ta-da! 

His wife did not laugh or even smile, 
The “gangland-style slayings” of Phillip 
Tattaglia and Emilio Barzini had been 
on the television news. She tossed the 
Times aside. 

“Long day,” Geraci said. “Long story, 
okay, Char? Let’s leave it at that.” 

He watched her size him up. He 
watched her face go slowly slack, watched 
her make herself not say she wasn't going 
anywhere, watched her swallow her 
desire to ask to hear the story. She didn't 
say a word. 

Nick Geraci got undressed, tossing the 
suit over a chair. In the time it took him 
to piss, brush his teeth and put on his 
pajamas, Charlotte managed to make the 
suit disappear (Geraci never saw itagain), 
turn off the lights, get back into bed and 
pretend to have fallen asleep. 


° 
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20 YEARS ONTI 


On The Tonight Show With Joy Leno, Pam 
makes her mark as a woman of letters. 


Miss December 1984 and 
PMOY 1985 Karen Velez 
not only discov- 
ered wild parties 
at the Mansion, 
she found her 
future husband. 
there. Karen 
met Six Million 
Dollar Man Lee 
Majors at one 
of Hef's movie 
nights, and the 
two later got 
married and 
had two chil- 
dren. After 

11 years the 
marriage 
ended, but Karen and Lec 
remained close. "I love him. 
to death," she told us. 


called 


The professors in writing programs tell 
lute frolic.” Pam, 


you to write what you know—and Pam 


Anderson certainly 
lets some of her- 
self slip into her 
debut novel, Star. 
The book follows 
a small-town girl, 


M who finds fame 
when she poses 
for Mann mag- 
azine, appears 
on Lifeguards 
Inc. and beds a 
string of bad boys. To 
promote her book Pam went on The 
Tonight Show and bantered with Howard 
Stern. Star got rave reviews—Anne Rice 


who pens a col- 


umn for Jane 
magazine, told 
People that the leap 
to writing a novel was a natural progres- 
sion. "I've kept a journal since I was 
young,” she said. “I love telling stories.” 
In the book Pam's alter ego enjoys a number 
of steamy sex scenes that may or may not 
have been inspired by her real-life romps 
with the likes of Tommy Lee and Kid Rock. 
(It's dedicated to “all the men Гуе loved 
before.”) Even nonliterary Pamela devo- 
tees can safely judge this book by its cov- 
er—she appears nearly naked on the book 
cket. Watch out, Е. Scott Fitzgerald: Pam 
в already working on the sequel. 


RED CARPET DIARIES 


“Marilyn Monroe. 
I thought she was 
funny, complicated 
and obviously very 


attractive, very beauti- 
ful.” —John Kerry, on 
who he thought 

was the sexiest 
Hollywood star- и 
let when he was 

20 years old 


Anna Nicole 

Q: What do you remember most 
about living at the Mansion? 

А: 1 lived there for three months. 
Everything was great, but what I hold 
closest to my heart is 
secing Hef walking 
around in his slip- 
pers and bathrobe. 

Q: Are you really 
dating Nick Carter? 

А: Gosh, that pho- 
to was everywhere! 
He is a great guy. It 
was said we were dat- 
ing, but we just hang 
out as friends. 

О: Are you typi- 
cally stalked by the Е 

А: No, that was my first experience 
with that. I keep a low profile. 


CHRISTINA SANTIAGO & 
LAUREN MICHELLE HILL 


MY FAVORITE PLAYMATE 


1. She has a role in the forthcoming 
movie Malibu Spring Break. 

2. She is in touch with her Latin 
background. “I love 
salsa dancing,” she says. 
“There is something 
about Latin music that 
takes over your entire 
| body. It just makes you 
want to move.” 

3. After reading a book 
that was written by a 
friend, The Complete 
Asshole’s Guide to Han- 
dling Chicks, Pilar was inspired to 
present a female perspective on dat- 
ing. She is currently at work writing 
The Complete Chick’s Guide to Handling 
Assholes. “You have to tame the bull 
before you can ride it,” she says 


Howard Stern’s show is taped down 
the street from aur New York City office, 
so when the Playmates are in town they 
usually stop by ta hang with the King 
of All Media, On a recent marning 
Cara Wakelin promoted Playboy's 
first-ever swimsuit calen- 
dar, (That's her on the 
cover.) On another day 
wannabe Playmate 
Jillian Grace (right) 
was evoluated by 
Senior Phata Edi 
tor Kevin Kuster. 
The great news? 
She may appear 
as а Playmate іп 
a future issue. 


cyber% club 
See your fovorite Playmote's 
pictorial in the Cyber Club 
ot cyber ployboy.com. 


Ten ie. 


in England. ported ond bold by Win Rock Dici, ік. win, МЕ. 40%, Alc /Vol. (80 rcl], REASE DABA PEFONGEN. 


Imported 
| from England 


5 eWhat 
Y found 

Y Ly ON the 
cutting room 


N E 
x 5 
PLAYBOY TV | 
WATCH PLAYBOY TV! 
TO ORDER, CALL YOUR HOME SATELLITE OR LOCAL CABLE TELEVISION PROVIDER. 


layboy On The Scene 


WHAT'S HAPPENING, WHERE IT'S HAPPENING AND WHO'S MAKING IT HAPPEN 


» 


‘BURTON 
NOLUNG 


"чєє 


| Easy Rider 
To live the dream, Jake Burton Carpenter first had to invent it 


he closest Jake Burton Carpenter has come to dying was not on a moun- 

tain. Nearly 30 years ago, when he was making snowboard prototypes, 
Й acouple of the new contraptions rocketed out of his pin router and right 
through a wall. "Man, it was scary," he laughs. “| was a total loser in shop 
class." Carpenter has come a long way since the days when he'd load up his 
station wagon with boards to hawk at trade shows and ski resorts. (Pictured 
at left is an early Burton board.) Snowboarding is now one of America's 
fastest-growing sports, Burton Snowboards holds a third of the market it 
created, and Carpenter—generally credited with inventing the pastime—is а 
hero to the millions who strap in every year. "I never dreamed it would get as 
big as it did,” he says. "I just thought I could make a living doing something 
cool." While active in the running of his company, he still gets 100 days of 
slope time a year, along with 60 days of surfing. Last year he took his family 
оп a 10-month, six-continent surfing-and-snowboarding tour. Now 50, he is 
in many ways the same chill NYU grad who left Manhattan for New England 
27 years ago—living day to day and taking it all in stride. "If |got buried in an 
avalanche tomorrow," he says, “I would have no regrets." —David Critchell 221 


MMe rapevine 


Meet the Simpsons 
№ wonder censors wanted to nip Janet Jackson's exhibitionism— 
wardrobe malfunctions are catching. Here 

JESSICA SIMPSON sings her chest out at 

an LA.-area concert. You have to love 
how she hits those high notes. 


- 


/ 
ай 


Fanning the Flame 
Mark our words: PENNY FLAME is 
going to blow up. Thanks to an 
Audrey Hepburn look and a smok- 
ing role in the hotbody.com film 
Undress for Success, her image has 
burned its way onto our retinas. 


Incubust 
Adhering to the 
model-rock star 
dating mandate, 
CAROLYN 
MURPHY, the 
face of Estée 
Lauder, has been 
linked to Incubus 
lead singer Bran- 
don Boyd. At the 
CFDA Fashion 
Awards, she put 
the rack into 
rock and roll. 


222 


Cat on a Hot TV Show 


When she’s not playing Emily, the sexy assistant on Entou- 
rage, SAMAIRE ARMSTRONG knocks faux-leather boots with 
LA.'s Pussycat Dolls. In one episode, her boss asks, “Do you 
think my assistant is hot?” The unanimous answer: “Meow.” 


Lucky 
Sevigny 
Orshould we 
say lucky 
Vincent Gallo? 
If you've seen 
the provoca- 
tive movie 
Brown Bunny, 
you know 
exactly what 
we're talking 
about. At the 
Viva Glam 
Casino to 
benefit DIFFA 
in NYC, Bunny 
star CHLOE 
SEVIGNY 
pleasures the 
paparazzi. 


Give Peas 
a Chance 
When the Black 
Eyed Peas per- 
form, we can't 
see past the 
newest member, 
singer FERGIE. At 
a T-Mobile Side- 
kick H launch 
party, she shook 
up the Peas’ hit 
“Where Is the 
Love?” Right 


Royal 

Flesh 

In the gritty film 
Havoc, Princess 
Diaries star ANNE 
HATHAWAY 
ditches her aris- 
tocratic ways. But 
in this shot her 
royal charms are 


still on display. 


MWiotpourri 


NOT SEEING IS 

BELIEVING WHIRLED PIECE 
Reading braille is When the ¡“Top Pro ($15, itoys.ca) first 
tough if you've landed in our offices, we almost tossed it. 
never had lessons. Now it's our default conflict-resolution 
But if you slide tool. Key to the top's appeal: It can 
onc of these tight display words and numbers as it spins, 
"shirts over your thanks to eight red LEDs that “write” on 
favorite pair of the air. The top is programmed with five 
breasts and dance different spinning-oriented games and 
your fingers all over remembers high scores. If you can beat 
them, you'll get the 763 revolutions, we'll see you in the 
message right away. national championships. 
Braille shirts ($30, 
notvanilla.us) come 


with your choice of 
phrases—" Harder 
faster deeper,” “1 
need a licking,” 
“Cheap and easy” 
and “Spank it"— 
written across the 
chest in high-density 
rubberized ink. (An 
English translation 
is printed inside the 
hem of the shirt for 
those who need it.) 
"The cotton tees 
come in two colors: 
“pure black” and 
“dirty white.” 


SOMETHING TO CHEW ON 


“There's a knock on the door. You open it, 
and—merry Christmas!—your mailman 
hands you a box full of premium aged 
steaks. What gift tops that? The Chef 
Special Palm Pak ($340, thepalm.com) 


from the esteemed Palm Restaurant 
franchise features four New York strips, 
four porterhouses and four filet mignons, 
packed in a cooler with dry ice. We 
sampled these babies, and they're better 
than what you get in most steak joints, 


THE ORIGINAL KING OF COMEDY 


Since the world no longer has Lenny Bruce to kick around, we'll have 
to seule for Let the Buyer Beware ($70, shoutfactory,com), a comprehen- 
sive new collection with six discs full of cl stand-up, interviews, 
rarities and historic moments such as an onstage bust and a 1959 con- 
versation between Lenny and Hef. Lovingly packaged in an over 
hardcover book, this is a bona fide Bruce-ophile's dream. And don’t 
worry about leaving it on your coflee table—if anyone balks at titles 
such as "How to Relax Your Colored Friends at Parties” or "Sign a 
Release? I Didn't Do My Fag at the Ballgame Bit Yet!,” you can remind 

224 them what Lenny taught us: “The truth can never be offensive.” 


POWER TRIP 


"The steel-framed CycleOps Pro 300PT exercise 
bike ($1,700) can measure speed and heart rate 
and download the data to your computer. But 
what really makes it different is the PowerTap 
mechanism, which measures in watts the energy 
you produce so you can quantify your workouts. 
Lance Armstrong can pump out 460 watts an 
hour, enough to power almost cight 60-watt 
bulbs. Go ahead, Mr. Edison, try to match that! 


FAR-OUT SOUND 


Despite tons of in-car receivers, stand-alone options for satellite 
radio have remained scant. Now XM and Audiophase have 
cooked up the Skybox ($200, bestbuy.com), a bug-eyed boom box 
that has not only a satellite receiver but also an AM-FM terrestrial 
radio tuner and a CD player that can handle both standard CDs 
and MP3 discs. It's a mobile sonic smorgasbord. 


SECRET RITUAL 


Prohibition was an amazingly 
innovative time for drinkers, 
distillers and barmen, with all 
of them trying to outwit the 
law. Mixologists, for example, 
couldn't leave their barware 
lying around, so it went incog- 
nito. You can celebrate that 
era today with these secret 
shaker 14-inch lighthouse 
($195) and a ship's light that 
comes in red or green—port 
and starboard beacons—for 
the left- or right-handed 
bartender ($130). Both are 
made of nickel-plated brass; 
available at martiniware.com. 


THE LENS CAP 


Few casual photographers keep a tripod in 
their jacket pocket, yet almost all consumer 
cameras feature that funny screw-in mount on 
the bottom. To let you finally take advantage of 
this sorely underused socket, Japanese gizmo 
importer Semsons & Co. offers the Bottle Сар 
‘Tripod (615, semsons.com), which screws onto 
the top of any standard plastic beverage bottle. 
Now you can put together a quick camera 
stand anywhere there’s a vending machine. 


HEALTHY SNACK 


Nude, from Applied Organics ($20, organiclubricant.com), is the 
world's first USDA<ertified organic lube. Think of it as a sex grease 
that doubles as a nourishing moisturizer for those hard-to-reach 
places. “It’s odorless and slick as hell, and it lasts all night, so you 
don't have to keep reapplying,” says our road tester. “Thumbs-up.” 


=== 


WHERE AND HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 204 


JENNY IS BACK. CRITICAL CAR: WHAT TO DRIVE RIGHT NOW. 2004 PLAYMATES: A LOOK BACK (AND FRONT) 


BLOOD, SWEAT AND WAGES-— THE BORDER FACTORIES JAMES CAAN—THE STAR OF TV'S LAS VEGAS HAS SURVIVED 
CALLED MAQUILADORAS MAY BE HARMFUL TO BOTH HUMANS РАМЕ, DRUGS. RUMORS OF MAFIA TIES, FAILED MARRIAGES 
AND NATURE—THINK BLACK COUGH, PROSTITUTION AND AND DUBIOUS MOVIE CHOICES. NOW СААМ TALKS TOUGH IN 
PITIFUL WAGES. WHEN OUR REPORTER CONDUCTS A PER- A FEARLESS 20 QUESTIONS. BY STEPHEN REBELLO 


SONAL INVESTIGATION, IT PROVES MORE DIFFICULT THAN HE HE WASA USINES: 
EXPECTED. BY WILLIAM Т. VOLLMANN HOWARD HUGHES—IN TRUTH. JAS A BAD BUSINESS- 


MAN AND ALMOST TOTALLY LACKING IN PERSONAL 
JENNY MCCARTHY—AFTER BEING CROWNED PLAYMATE CHARM. COMPASSION, DECENCY AND MAGNETISM, SO 
OF THE YEAR 1994. THE FLY МС WAS EVERYWHERE. FROM HOW DID HUGHES BECOME THE MOST FAMOUS BILLION 
MTV'S SINGLED OUT TO THE COVER OF TV GUIDE. NOW JENNY AIRE IN AMERICAN HISTORY AND A CULTURAL ICON? 
HAS SIGNED A MULTIPICTURE DEAL WITH BEVERLY HILLS NEAL GABLER HAS SOME ANSWERS. 
FILM STUDIOS. TO CELEBRATE, THE BEAUTIFUL GOOFBALL й 
GRANTS US ONE WISH: A BRAND-NEW PICTORIAL. THE YEAR IN SEX—JANET JACKSON'S SUPER BOWL 

WARDROBE MALFUNCTION! BRITNEY'S TWO WEDDINGS! 

TOBY KEITH—AT SIX-FOOT-FOUR AND 240 POUNDS, AND PARIS HILTON'S SEX TAPE! AND THAT'S JUST PAGE ONE. IT 
WITH MORE THAN 20 MILLION ALBUMS SOLD, KEITH IS COUN- WAS A RAUCOUS YEAR IN SEX. AND WE RELIVE THE MOST 
TRY MUSIC'S BIGGEST BADASS. THE RIGHT-WING HERO PHOTO-WORTHY MOMENTS. 


TALKS ABOUT CAUSING CONTROVERSY ON TV. HIS MUSICAL ma ae 
IDOLS, HIS BEEF WITH THE DIXIE CHICKS AND HIS FAVORITE PLUS: GREAT FICTION BY NEIL LABUTE AND CHRISTOPHER 


SUBJECT: POLITICS. А SHOCKN Y'ALL PLAYBOY INTERVIEW BUCKLEY, CARS OF THE YEAR. NEW CHAMPAGNE COCKTAILS, 
BY STEVE POND DAPPER TUXEDOS, HOW TO MAKE EXCELLENT JAPANESE 

FOOD, HAMILTON VERSUS JEFFERSON ВУ GORE VIDAL, A 
THREESOMES—A RIVETING ACCOUNT OF ONE WOMAN'S MEMORABLE PLAYMATE REVIEW. BABE OF THE MONTH 
LOVE AFFAIR WITH A WELL-KNOWN TV PERSONALITY. THATS CHANEL RYAN AND OUR FIRST PLAYMATE OF 2005, MISS 
ALL WE CAN SAY BY ANONYMOUS JANUARY. DESTINY DAVIS. 


Playboy (ISSN 0032-1478), December 2004, volume 51, number 12. Published monthly by Playboy in national and regional editions, Playboy, 680 
North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611. Periodicals postage paid at Chicago, Illinois and at additional mailing offices. Canada Post Cana- 
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226 Playboy, PO. Box 2007, Harlan, Iowa 51537-4007. For subscription-related questions, call 800-999-4438, or e-mail circ(2ny.playboy.com.