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A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, this is what gov- 
ernment officials looked like. As if there isn't enough 
excitement in the Star Wars universe, this summer Bai Ling 
ignites lightsabers as Senator Bana Breemu in the latest 
installment of George Lucas's masterwork. Senior Con- 
tributing Photographer Stephen Wayda says the force is 
strong in Bai. "She brought a sexual presence to the shoot," 
he says. "She is very sexual and erotic in her style and her 
personality—even the way she dresses has a definite eroti- 
cism to it." That sensuality is as clear in Wayda's photos as 
a laser beam. "She is captivating with her look and her eyes. 
She plays a lot with her expressions. From behind the cam- 
era what really jumps out is her beautiful face, her eyes, her 
expression—and, most of all, her attitude." 


Lance Armstrong already holds 
the record for consecutive Tour 
de France wins with six, but he's 
preparing to set the bar even 
higher this summer. No wonder 
then that when Kevin Cook 
(wearing his yellow wristband) 
first met Armstrong for this 
month's Playboy Interview, Arm- 
strong had just returned to 
Sheryl Crow's hillside Holly- 
wood home from a training ride 
to Pasadena and back. "I have 
spent time with Michael Jordan, 
Shaquille O'Neal, Brett Favre 
and other athletes," Cook says, 
“but for combined intelligence 
and intensity, Lance is tops. His 
focus, along with his great ath- 
letic ability, makes him what he 
is today—arguably the most 
important athlete of our time." 


“Marilyn Monroe was very 
aware of her own sexuality. 

and very comfortable with it," 
explains Neal Gabler, whose 
essay about the misplaced 
mythology surrounding Marilyn 
accompanies our luscious new 
portfolio of nude portraits of 
PLAYBOY'S first-ever cover 
model. "She was one of the 
first major actresses who not 
only posed nude but happily 
accepted her nudity. She 
embraced sexuality at a time 
when nobody else would. That 
made her a liberating and em- 
powering figure in the culture. 
Marilyn refused to accept the 
distinction between reputable 
and disreputable. She didn't 
believe in those categories." 


Robert Coover's work in PLAYBOY has been marked by exper- 
imentation. His latest story, Suburban Jigsaw, follows in this 
tradition. The piece originated with an actual puzzle that 
Coover drew. “Тһе puzzle came first," he says. "Each of the 
pieces became the basis for a character. The puzzle's spatial 
layout and its pieces' suggestive tabs and holes dropped me 
inexorably into this busy little suburban neighborhood. The 
pieces themselves, like psychosexual portraits, told me who 
the characters were and how they fit together." 


As head ofthe International Center for Political Violence and 
Terrorism Research at Nanyang Technological University in 
Singapore, Rohan Gunaratna is uniquely qualified to get 
inside The Brain. That's one of the many names for Khalid 
Sheikh Mohammed, the mastermind of the 9/11 attacks and 
grand architect of Al Qaeda operations. “Не is the most dan- 
gerous terrorist the world has seen," Gunaratna says. "More 
important to his work than knowledge is imagination—very 
few people could conceptualize these acts." 


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vol. 52, no. 6—june 2005 


contents] 


features 


78 


90 


94 


116 


122 


KHALID SHEIKH MOHAMMED: THE BRAIN 

Known as Mukhtar—"the Brain” in Arabic—Khalid Sheikh Mohammed was the 
mastermind of the 9/11 attacks; his capture in 2003 was a devastating 

blow to Al Qaeda. Our terrorism expert relies on a variety of sources, published 
and confidential, to portray this evil genius. BY ROHAN GUNARATNA 


INTO THE DRINK 

Whether you're poolside or at the beach, you need a drink that can multitask. 
Here is a greatest-hits collection of summer cocktails, including little-known 
classics, new twists and a staple that nobody gets right. BY A.J. BAIME 


THE HITCHHIKER’S GUIDE TO THE STAR WARS GALAXY 

Which Darth is more macho? Which Golden Girl sang to cantina aliens? Are 
midi-chlorians really magical space scabies? Feel the Force around our Star 
Wars retrospective and find out. BY SCOTT ALEXANDER AND JOSH ROBERTSON 


THE PLAYBOY FIDELITY SURVEY: SECRET SEX 

We are bombarded with images of infidelity on TV—sometimes it seems as if no 
married couples keep their vows. But how prevalent is cheating? We surveyed 
more than 1,400 adults and polled 15,000 visitors to Playboy.com to learn the 
attitudes, definitions, motivations and torrid details of fidelity today. 


MARILYN REVEALED 

Somewhere between the myths and the biographies, the real story of Norma 
Jeane's transformation into Marilyn Monroe disappeared. Here, accompanied by a 
unique, never-before-published image of Marilyn nude, taken from a famous dou- 
ble exposure, is a reexamination of the complicated history of a Hollywood legend 
who seduced the world by sheer force of will—and enjoyed it. BY NEAL GABLER 


fiction 


98 


SUBURBAN JIGSAW 

A businessman who cornered the market on disposable wearables, a handyman, 
an exhibitionist and a legion of libidinous homemakers are tangled in a web of 
extramarital liaisons, Reading this will turn desperate housewives red in the 
face—or green with envy. BY ROBERT COOVER 


the playboy forum 


63 


AN END TO INNOCENCE 

After three years, the murder of Christa Worthington in Truro, Massachusetts 
remains unsolved. Police recently asked all adult male residents to volunteer 
a genetic sample. The ACLU is wondering how this DNA dragnet fits with the 
Fourth Amendment and the right to individual privacy. BY ROBERT SABBAG 


20Q 


136 


PAUL GIAMATTI 

He has taken a natural talent for playing angry men and elevated it into art. The 
star of Sideways talks about his famous dad, why he'd like to be Britney Spears 
for a day and how he mastered flatulence on command. BY STEPHEN REBELLO 


interview 


71 


LANCE ARMSTRONG 

Overcoming a broken neck, cancer and allegations of drug use, earth's most 
dominant athlete has won the Tour de France a record six straight times. 
We talked to the intense Texan about drug tests, those ubiquitous LiveStrong 
bracelets and what life is like with Sheryl Crow. BY KEVIN COOK 


COVER STORY 


Bai Ling's name means "white spirit," and the 
sensuous Chinese actress—who memorably 
starred in The Crow and Sky Captain and the 
World of Tomorrow—says she is a free spirit. 
She tells us about nakedness, one-night 
stands and her role as a tattooed senator in 
Star Wars Episode Ill: Revenge of the Sith. 
Senior Contributing Photographer Stephen 
Wayda captures her uninhibited sexuality on 
film. The Force is with her and our Rabbit. 


PLAYBOY 


ontent 


vol. 52, no. 6—june 2005 


| contents continued | 


pictorials 


82 


102 


138 


PMOY: TIFFANY FALLON 
Your choice for Playmate of the 
Year 2005 is Miss December, 
who appears here in some classic 
pinup poses. 


PLAYMATE: KARA MONACO 
One of America's sexiest bar- 
tenders puts the highballs 

on hold this summer to make a 
splash in and out of her bikini. 


BAI, BAI, BABY 

Exotic Chinese actress Bai Ling, 
who appears in the new Star Wars 
film, waxes enthusiastic about 
everything from sex to cigars. 


notes and news 


n 


147 


171 


DISNEY WORLD 

DREAMS AND SUPER 
BOWL SCENES 

Hef and his party posse rub elbows 
with Chris Rock, the Black Eyed 
Peas’ Fergie and Baltimore 
Ravens QB Kyle Boller on this 
cross-country junket 


CENTERFOLDS ON SEX: 
SCARLETT KEEGAN 

Our favorite copper top explains 
why she likes sex shops and 
prefers giving to receiving. 


PLAYMATE NEWS 

Life-size nudes of Pamela 
Anderson by photographer Sante 
D'Orazio; Miss June 1980 Ola 
Ray got freaky with Michael Jack- 
son in the video for "Thriller"; 
catch a buzz from St. Pauli Girl 
spokesmodel Stacy Fuson 


departments 


PLAYBILL 
DEAR PLAYBOY 
AFTER HOURS 


53 

59 

114 
151 
175 
176 
178 


MANTRACK 

THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 
PARTY JOKES 

WHERE AND HOW TO BUY 
ON THE SCENE 
GRAPEVINE 

POTPOURRI 


fashion 


128 


SHORE THINGS 

The bold colors, prints and 
plaids of summer beachwear will 
bring out the bronze in you. 

BY JOSEPH DE ACETIS 


reviews 


27 


30 


34 


36 


38 


MOVIES 

Tom Cruise has a close encounter 
with extraterrestrials of the hos- 
tile kind in Steven Spielberg's 
War of the Worlds; Christian Bale 
is at bat in Batman Begins. 


DVDS 

Seven controversial films that 
dared to rip up the system; the 
best Westerns on DVD—from 
the Duke to Deadwood. 


MUSIC 

Memphis Bleek emerges from 
Jay-Z's shadow; the Raveonettes 
are Pretty in Black. 


BOOKS 

Friend turns against friend during 
a forgotten battle for Texas in The 
Diezmo; Isabel Allende imagines 

a more romantic history for Zorro. 


GAMES 

Channel your chi into the butt- 
kicking action of Jade Empire; 
games and controllers that want 
to make you sweat 


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PLAYBOY 


HUGH M. HEFNER 
editor-in-chief 


Swiss Mad 


CHRISTOPHER NAPOLITANO 
editorial director 


STEPHEN RANDALL deputy editor 
ГОМ STAEBLER art director 
GARY COLE photography director 
LEOPOLD FROEHLICH executive editor 
LISA CINDOLO GRACE тала 


ging editor 


ROBERT LOVE editor at large 


EDITORIAL 
FEATURES: JAMIE MALANOWSKI features editor; А). BAIME articles editor FASHION: JOSEPH DE ACETIS 
director FORUM: CHIP ROWE senior editor; PATTY LAMBERTI assistant editor MODERN LIVING 
SCOTT ALEXANDER senior editor STAFF: ALISON PRATO senior associate editor; ROBERT B. DESALVO, 


TIMOTHY MOHR associate editors; JOSH ROBERTSON assistant editor; VIVIAN COLON, HEATHER HAEBE 
KENNY LULL editorial assistants CARTOONS: MICHELLE URRY editor СОР" 
chief; STEVE GORDON associate copy chief; CAMILLE CAUTI senior copy editor; ANTOINE 002015 


: WINIFRED ORMOND сору 


JEAN RODIE сору editors RESEARCH: DAVID COHEN research director; BRENDAN BARR senior researcher; 
DAVID PFISTER associate senior researcher; AP BRADBURY, RON MOTTA, DARON MURPHY, MATTHEW 
SHEPATIN researchers; MARK DURAN research librarian EDITORIAL PRODUCTION: JENNIFER 

JARONECZYK HAWTHORNE assistant managing editor; VALERIE THOMAS manager; VALERY SOROKIN 
associate READER SERVICE: MIKE OSTROWSKI С orresponde nt CONTRIBUTING EDITOR: 
MARK BOAL (WRITER AT LARGE), KEVIN BUCKLEY, SIMON COOPER, GRETCHEN EDGREN, LAWRENCE GROBEL 


КЕМ GROSS, JENNIFER RYAN JONES (FASHION). WARREN KALBACKER, ARTHUR KRETCHMER (AUTOMOTIVE 
JOE MORGENSTERN, BARBARA NELLIS, MERIEM ORLET (FASHION), JAMES В. PETERSEN, STEPHEN REBELLO, 
DAVID RENSIN, DAVID SHEFF, DAVID STEVENS, JOHN D. THOMAS, ALICE K. TURNER 


HEIDI PARKER west coast editor 


ART 
SCOTT ANDERSON, BRUCE HANSEN, CHET SUSKI, LEN WILLIS, ROB WILSON senior art directors; 
PAUL CHAN senior art assistant; JOANNA METZGER art assistant; 


CORTEZ WELLS art services coordinator; MALINA LEE senior art administrator 


PHOTOGRAPHY 
BC3+ Day Date MARILYN GRABOWSKI west coast editor; JIM LARSON managing editor; PATTY BEAUDET-FRANCES, 

Automatic Mechanical $825.00 KEVIN KUSTER, STEPHANIE MORRIS senior editors; RENAY LARSON assistant editor 

ARNY FREYTAG, STEPHEN WAYDA Senior contributing photographers; GEORGE GEORGIOU staff 

photographer; RICHARD ПАЛ, MIZUNO, BYRON NEWMAN, GEN NISHINO, DAVID RAMS contributing 
photographers; BILL wurre studio manager—los angeles; BONNIE JEAN KENNY 
manager, photo library; KEVIN CRAIG manager, photo lab; MATT STEIGBIGEL photo 

researcher; PENNY EKKERT, KRYSTLE JOHNSON production coordinators 


DIANE SILBERSTEIN publisher 


ADVERTISING 
JEFF KIMMEL advertising director; RON STERN new york manager; HELEN BIANCULLI direct response 


advertising director; MARIE FIRNENO advertising operations director; KARA SARISKY advertising 
coordinator NEW YORK: LARRY MENKES entertainment/electronics manager; SHERI WARNKE southeast 
manager; TONY SARDINAS, TRACY WISE account managers CHICAGO: WADE BAXTER midwest sales 
manager LOS ANGELES: PETE AUERBACH, COREY SPIEGEL west coast managers DETROIT: 


- DAN COLEMAN detroit manager SAN FRANCISCO: ED MEAGHER northwest manager 
E == = 
MARKETING 
ting; JULIA LIGHT marketing services director; CHRISTOPHER SHOOLIS 


LISA NATALE associate publisher/mar 


EA research director; DONNA TAVOSO creative services director; BELINDA BANK merchandising manager 


the case back 


the red rotor PRODUCTION 


the High Mech MARIA MANDIS director; JODY JURGETO production manager; CINDY PONTARELLA, DEBBIE тилоо associate 


~ managers; CHAR KROWCZYK, BARB TEKIELA assistant managers; BILL BENWAY, SIMMIE WILLIAMS prepress 


CIRCULATION 
LARRY A. DJERF newsstand sales director; PHYLLIS ROTUNNO subscription circulation director 


For an Authorized Retailer in your are ontact: 


914) 347-ORIS ticktock1@orisusa.com ADMINISTRATIVE 
‘onswatches.com MARCIA TERRONES rights & permissions director 


PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES INTERNATIONAL, INC. 
CHRISTIE HEFNER chairman, chief executive officer 


JAMES P RADTKE senior vice president and general manager 


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The о Stone ° design із used under license from Rolling Stone LLC. 
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оше. art assay, and DVD special features subject to change M © 2005 by Paramount Pictures. Al Rights Reserved 


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TREASURE 


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and Ashlee, with Nick Lachey and Ryan Cab- 
jacksonville. (2) American Idol's Randy 

ugs on the red carpet. (3) A happy 

оп surrounded by Playmate Bun- 

valeta, Pennelope 


! Jimenez and Lauren Michelle Hill. (4) Greg 


Kinnear digging the Super Bowl fes 
Boyz II Men's Nathan Morris and Shawn 
Stockman enter the part style. (6) Beautiful 
DJ Sky Nellor on the ones and twos. (7) Lucky 
partygoers invited to the Playboy Super Bowl 
party were greeted by bikini-clad Bunnies. The 
theme of the evening was “A Night in the Grot- 
to.” (8) Fergie of the Black Eyed Peas 

and actress Gabrielle Union. (9) Joey 
Fatone and Hef. (10) Baltimore Ravens 

QB Kyle Boller. (11) Hef and his girls 

back in Los Angeles on Sunday for the 
Mansion's Super Bowl celebration. (12) 

Bill Maher and Cyber Girl Rochelle 
Loewen. (13) Barbara Moore and Lo- 

renzo Lamas playing touch football. 

(14) Jon Lovitz and Thora Birch. 


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HIS NAME IS KID 
In 20Q (March) Kid Rock presumes 
that other entertainers lack the basic 
knowledge necessary to understand 
the war. That's not true. He may have 
just stepped out from under a rock, 
but not everyone else has. 
Alan Enstoss 
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania 


Kid Rock should educate himself. 
about George Bush's education. The 


Kid Rock, in a photo by Clay Patrick McBride. 


president was a C student at Yale. And 
he shouldn't count on Dick Cheney. 
"The VP flunked out of college twice. If 
Kid Rock wanted to support someone 
who had impeccable academic creden- 
tials, he should have voted for Kerry. 

Mark Musial 

Green Bay, Wisconsin 


I never thought I'd like Kid Rock's 
music. But when I heard it, my jaw 
dropped to the floor. He has changed 
my opinion of modern rock. 

Stacy Millard 
Manhattan, Kansas 


Kid Rock is totally hot. But I’ve no- 
ticed, in both his interviews and his 
music, that he seems lonely. The prob- 
lem is he keeps dating celebrities. Kid, 
when will you learn that you can't turn 
a ho into a housewife? You should look 
in your fan club for a girlfriend. 

Talisa Burnett 
Columbus, Indiana 


MISSING MUNCH 

Simon Cooper's excellent article on 
the robbery of Edvard Munch's The 
Scream from the Munch Museum in 


Oslo (Stolen Screams, March) raises a 
number of interesting points. As a for- 
mer undercover operative with the 
Royal Canadian Mounted Police (and 
the author of the book Crime School: 
Money Laundering), 1 investigated a 
number of money-laundering schemes 
that involved stolen art. Drug traffick- 
ing is partly to blame for the marked 
increase in art theft because artwork 
provides an easy way to transfer funds 
across borders. Say you owe $5 million 
for your last shipment. You know your 
supplier, like many of the nouveau 
riche, is an art lover, and by coinci- 
dence you have acquired two Dalí oils 
and a Picasso sketch from a client to 
settle a $250,000 debt. You offer those 
to the supplier to pay off your $5 
lion invoice, knowing he doesn't с 
that they're stolen because he's going 
to hang them in his villa. Pablo Esco- 
bar, for example, had a special interest 
in Chinese porcelain. 

Chris Mathers 

Toronto, Canada 


Cooper writes, "Stolen paintings are 
recycled through auction houses or 
private trades, often ending up in the 
hands of innocent purcha: This 
may have been true 15 years ago, but 
since the early 1990s the vast majority 
of the market has checked items against 
our registry prior to sale. It is becom- 
ing increasingly difficult to sell stolen 
art on the open market. 

David Shillingford 
Art Loss Register 
New York, New York 

Update: In March thieves swiped three 
Munch paintings from an Oslo hotel with a 
large art collection. This time police quickly 
recovered the works and arrested eight. 
suspects. There is no apparent con- 
nection to the Munch Museum thefts. 


PARIS IN THE SPRING 
Et tu, PLAYBOY? How could you 
name Paris Hilton the sexiest 
celebrity of the year (March)? If 
she hadn't been born rich, she'd 
be a clerk at Wal-Mart. She has 
the same practiced vacant smirk 
in every photo I've seen. 
Mark Leinwand 
Agoura Hills, California 


Has PLAYBOY ever before had a 
cover model who wasn't nude inside? 
Mike Burrows 
Salt Lake City, Utah 
It's been а while, but Dolly Parton and 
Sally Field, among others, have posed for 
the cover while revealing only their intellect. 
More recently, our October 2000 cover girl, 


If you're famous for any reason, cut an album. 


Lauren Michelle Hill, didn't appear nude 
until February 2001, as a Playmate. 


Great choice! Paris is one of the sex- 

iest young women on the party circuit. 
George Bolton 

Carlsbad, California 


I have been reading PLAYBOY for 30 
years, and I have never been more dis- 
appointed in your judgment of beauty. 
How will you make this up to us? 

Pat Kivlen 
Gibbstown, New Jersey 


You guys must be high from all the 
peroxide fumes in your studio. 

Russell Wyble 

Breaux Bridge, Louisiana 


Paris wouldn't be among the 25 sex- 
iest women in my town, and we have 
only 2,937 people. Who's on your cover 
next month, Ashlee Simpson? 

David Anderson 
Franklin, Michigan 


What do Paris Hilton, Debbie Gib- 
son and Chuck Palahniuk have in 
common? They helped make this the 
best issue of PLAYBOY ever produced. 

Christopher Gray 
Radford, Virginia 


SINGING STARS 

I enjoyed your tribute to the worst 
celebrity albums (Vanity Vinyl, March). 
I've been playing some of these gems 
on The Dr. Demento Show for decades. 
But how could you mention Billy 
Mumy and not include "Fish Heads," 
our second most requested song? For 
the record, the most requested song is 


*Dead Puppies (Aren't Much Fun)," by 
Ogden Edsl. 
Dr. Demento 
Lakewood, California 


I have to disagree with Jake Austen's 
assessment that the four jock albums 


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MARGARITA 
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he lists are the worst ever made. The 
worst album by Muhammad Ali, for in- 
stance, is The Adventures of Ali and His 
Gang vs. Mr. Tooth Decay (1976), with 
Frank Sinatra and Howard Cosell. 
Jake La Motta deserves props for his 
a cappella version of “Му Way" on 
Peace 51 (9009). And you can't beat the 
1987 cassette called Thinking Baseball 
by All-Star outfielder Jimmy Piersall. 
He raps to the kids, “If you practice all 
the time, results you will see. Work 
hard. Be on time. It's the only way to 
be." As the saying goes, every athlete 
wants to be a singer or actor, and every 
actor or singer wants to be an athlete. 
Rick Gieser 
SportsSongs.com 
Carol Stream, Illinois 


As a collector of musical atrocities 
(aprilwinchell.com), I want to point 
out a glaring omission. You overlook 
the category of celebrity Beatles cov- 
ers, which provide some of the most 
upsetting listening imaginable. 

April Winchell 
Los Angeles, California 


SCARED OF SCARS? 

Everyone has seen the photo of Tara 
Reid's exposed breast on the Internet, 
so there was no reason for you to air- 
brush out the scars from her boob job 
in March's Grapevine. 

Leif Kjonegaard 
San Diego, California 


CHEERS FOR CHUCK 

Thank you for again featuring the 
genius and madness of Chuck Palah- 
niuk (Punchdrunk, March). 
Tamminen 
hunder Bay, Ontario 


JILLIAN FULL OF GRACE 
I saw Jillian Grace (March) audition 
to be a Playmate on The Howard Stern 
Show. Her pictorial was worth the wait. 
Michael Chegwidden 
Kinross, Michigan 


GREEN WITH DISMAY 
What, no Green Day in The Year in 
Music (March)? American Idiot is a huge 
seller that has had great influence. 
Kyle Smith 
Chambersburg, Pennsylvania 


STEREO SHOCK 
You managed to get $200,000 worth 
of sound for $20,000 (Sound + Art, 
March). Now for the rest of us, how 
about getting that down to $2,000? 
Dave Allegretti 
Harrison, New York 


THE ROCKINATOR 
I shuddered when I read your de- 
scription of Dwayne Johnson as "the 


next Arnold Schwarzenegger." But 
after reading the March Interview, I 
realize the Rock is the real deal. 
Bill Campbell 
Williamsburg, Virginia 


GIVE “ЕМ MORE GIBSON 
I've enjoyed PLAYBOY for 20 years 
but have never seen a flawless pictorial 
like that of Deborah Gibson (March). 
Guido Argentini captured her playful, 
sexy and soulful sides. 
Tim Walker 
Independence, Virginia 


Debbie Gibson has always turned 
me on. After all these years I still can't 
shake her love. But at least I can see 
what I never could before! 

"Tony Good 
Sausalito, California 


Irun the largest unofficial website de- 
voted to Deborah Gibson (deb-ski.com). 
Contrary to the positive posts at her of- 
ficial site, many longtime fans feel she 
sold out and is a hypocrite by posing for 
you. For years Deborah has criticized 


Deborah Gibson, all grown up. 


performers such as Christina Aguilera 
and Britney Spears for being overtly 
sexual instead of letting their music 
speak for itself. Since Deborah has taken 
the same route, she leaves the impres- 
sion that she now feels her music isn’t 
good enough either. 

Dariusz Ski 

London, U.K. 


I grew up infatuated with Tiffany 
and Debbie, and you have made my 
teenage fantasies finally come true. If 
you want to keep going, I can send 
you the name of a hot teacher of mine. 

Bryan Riggsbee 
Burlington, North Carolina 


E-mail: DEARPB@PLAYBOY.COM Or write: 730 FIFTH AVENUE, NEW YORK, NEW YORK 10019 


(во roo) 


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wy A LITTLE BIT OLDER 
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Stacey 
Hayes 


Lingo's cheeky linguist gives us 
a lesson in body English 


UU Res Stacey Hayes, co-host of 
Ў the Game Show Network's Lingo, 
we find it hard to tell where the word- 
play ends and the foreplay begins. On 
the show, contestants try to deduce a 
five-letter word; Stacey's velvety 
British accent has us thinking saucy, 
sweet, foxxy, yowza and daamn—and 
those last three aren't even real words. 
“| get thousands of letters from the 
most obscure countries," she says. 
"People watch Lingo and thank me for 
helping them learn English." Stacey, 
28, shares teaching duty with game 


“I'm not a baggy 
T-shirt and sweatpants 
kind of chick.” 


show institution Chuck Woolery. “We 
flirt and have fun,” she admits. “We 
get angry older ladies complaining that 
it's inappropriate for a man of his age. 
TV Guide did a picture—they drew lit- 
tle laser beams coming out of his eyes 
and going directly to my chest.” Stacey 
has been working it since her days as a 
stand-up comedian—in her act she 
played a dominatrix. “I wore the black 
wig, the leather, had the whip, every- 
thing. | got more attention as Dom- 
inique than as a Hollywood blonde.” 
She has retired the fetish wear, but 
Stacey insists she'll never dress down. 
“I'm not a baggy T-shirt and sweat- 
pants kind of chick,” she says with a 
laugh. “I wear sweats, but they’re low 
and velour, and the top matches. | do 
comfortable, but | rarely don't do cute.” 


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afterhours ] 


MOCK AND AWE 


ODD WEAPONS THAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN 


Modern warfare could hardly be more terrifying, but it 
could certainly be weirder. Witness “Harassing, Annoying 
and ‘Bad Guy’ Identifying Chemicals," an official memo 
obtained and posted online by chemical warfare watch- 
dog the Sunshine Project. The proposal was presented to 
the Pentagon in 1994 but was never acted on. Not yet, 
at least—there's always the next war. (Look out, Iran.) 


Gay bomb: would act as an “aphrodisiac,” provok- 
ing homosexual behavior among troops. Goal: Low 
morale and a crippling obsession with redecorating. 
Bad-breath bomb: would create "severe and last- 
ing halitosis." Goal: Ass-mouthed bad guys stand 
out from innocents—and their boyfriends hate it. 
Stink bomb: would cause body odor on exposure. 
Goal: Just when the gay guerrillas have learned to 
look past the bad breath, everything else turns rank. 
Bug bomb: would attract and enrage "stinging and 
biting bugs and rodents." Goal: Flush gay, smelly 
enemies from tastefully furnished spider holes. 
Sunlight bomb: would make troops unbearably 
sensitive to sunlight. Goal: Total surrender. Can't 
stay in (rats), can't go out (sun), can't keep eyes 
off comrades (gay), can't stand comrades (stink). 
Suddenly Guantánamo looks like Club Med. 


NYC EMBARRASSED BY AD LANGUAGE 
Hip kids had a laugh when this faux literacy campaign by 
clothing label Akademiks turned up on 200 New York buses. 
"Getting brain" is urban slang for receiving oral sex. 


NO STANLEY 
CUP? NO 
SWEAT. HERE'S 
HOW TO SUR- 
VIVE A HOCKEY- 
FREE JUNE 


Get a hat trick. For 
instance, reach in 
and pull out a rab- 
bit. Then saw your 
assistant in half. 
Your friends will 
be amazed! 

Go top-shelf. Good-bye, Old Crow. Hello, Knob Creek! 
Substitute on the fly—unless the menu says "no substitutions." 
Ice the puck. Or at least a chocolate cake shaped like a puck. 
Throw an octopus into your sink and scrub thoroughly. Remove 
head, beak and ink sac. Cut tentacles into short strips. Brown 
two finely chopped cloves of garlic in olive oil, add octopus, 
and simmer over low heat. Add dry sherry and Italian peeled 
tomatoes, and season to taste. Serve over pasta. Buon appetito! 
Pull your goalie. Just be sure the bathroom door is locked. 
Skate a victory lap around your kitchen in your socks, tri- 
umphantly raising the Stanley Cup cutout, above. What is 
there to celebrate? At least the 2005 champion of Canada's 
national sport is not some nouvelle école team from Florida. 


21 


22 


[ afterhours 


IGNORANCE ABROAD 


A VICTORIAN GUIDE TO THE USELESS 
PEOPLES OF OUR NO-GOOD WORLD 


Nineteenth century travel writer Mrs. Favell Lee Mortimer 
had opinions on all the world's places and races—and they 
were rarely good ones—despite having left England only 
twice in her life (one trip being to Scotland). If you're trav- 
eling this summer, ignore her wisdom at your peril. 


Hungary The Hungarians are not industrious; they do not 
know how to make things. 


Brazil People in Brazil do not sleep in beds on the floor 
but in beds slung across the corners of the rooms. Idle peo- 
ple waste many hours of the day in their hammocks. 


Hindostan Hindoo ladies can neither paint nor play music. 
Their time is spent in idleness, chattering nonsense. 


Portugal Some places look pretty at a distance which look 
very ugly when you come up to them—Lisbon is one of 
those places. 

Germany German women are not fond of reading useful 
books. When they read, it is novels about people who never 
lived. It would be better to read nothing than such books. 


China It is a common thing to stumble over the bodies of 
dead babies in the streets. In England it is counted murder 
to kill a babe, but it is thought 
no harm in China. 


Mexico Though Mexico is so 
beautiful at a distance, yet the 
streets are narrow and loath- 
some, and the poor people 
walking in them look like 
bunches of old rags. 


Italy One very bad Italian cus- 
tom is burying the poor people 
in large pits. 

Kurdistan The Kurds are the 
terror of all who live near 
them. The reason why the 
Armenians live in holes in the 
ground is because they hope 
the Kurds may not find out 
where they are. 


From The Clumsiest People in Europe, or: Mrs. Mortimer's 
Bad-Tempered Guide to the Victorian World, by Todd 
Pruzan and Mrs. Favell Lee Mortimer (deceased). 


THE SIAMESE RESEMBLE 
THE BURMESE IN APPEAR- 

ANCE, BUT THEY A 
MUCH WORSE-LOOK! 


STARDOM CALLS 


IT'S SOMEONE FAMOUS— 
GET THE PHONE 


Does your phone play a catchy tune? 
How five minutes ago. Celebrities are 
now rolling out spoken-word alerts for 
your new whatchamagadget. (Relent- 
less repetition, after all, is the soul of 
wit.) These are already on the mar- 
ket—but can you guess who says what? 
The stars: (A) Jessica Simpson, (B) soca 
star Rupee, (C) Jenna Jameson, 
(D) Green Day, (E) rapper Xzibit, (F) punk band Simple Plar 


1. "Hey, baby, sexy lady, you make them pants look 

Yo, you should let me pimp that. Pick it up! 

2. "It picks up the phone and it rubs the lotion on its num- 

bers. Ring! Ring!" 

3. "I'm lookin' at these ladies, thinkin' about them having 

my babies. But I can't do that if you don't pick up the 

phone. Pick up the phone now, fe real! 

4. "Can you pick up and tell me, is th icken what I һауе 

or is this fish? I know it's tuna, but it says chicken by the sea." 

5. "Hey, your dad's calling. Ask him for beer money." 

6. “Listen up, you hot bitch. Answer your cell. ГИ lick your 

pussy if you do it quick. Now pick up the phone!” 
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pulp kitchen 


EATING LEAN 

SUSHI IN TASTY 2D 

Chef Homaro Cantu's sushi 
is, frankly, a little flat. At 
Moto, his Chicago restau- 
rant, he loads a rejiggered 
ink-jet printer with edible 
dye, prints an image onto 
paper made from soy and 
cornstarch, then adds soy 
and seaweed flavoring. 
Sound fishy? Not in the least. 


party girl 


APPARAT CHICK 


UKRAINE PUTS THE 
“PRIME” IN MINISTER 


She's no Maggie Thatcher. 
Appointed earlier this year by 
poison-ravaged prez Viktor 
Yushchenko, Ukrainian prime 
minister Yulia Tymoshenko 
is a world-class cutie-pie. 
Critics allege a shady past, 
but we call dreamy Yulia a 
steppe in the right direction. 


#37 "CABANA" Quadr red for exceptional and smoothness. SKYY Vodka® 40% af-/vol(8giproof), 


24 


afterhours 


month 


THE TV 


CHA 
WHO TAUC 
THIS FAMILY 
GUY HOW TO 
BE A MAN 


I was raised by 
a warm, glow- 
ing box made 
of metal, glass 
and wood. No, 
I'm not talking 
about some magical robot vagina. I'm talking about television 
Clair Huxtable was my mother, Alex P. Keaton was my older 
brother, and Schneider was my sex-crazed handyman. But of all 
the TV characters who raised me, there are 10 in particular who 
made me the man I am today. 

1. MacGyver Taught me how to get a lady pregnant with a con- 
dom and a pair of scissors. 

2. Optimus Prime Taught me bravery, leadership and how to 
turn into a kick-ass truck 

3. Tony Micelli of Who's the Boss 
housework—as long as you're poc 
plowin' Angela or what? 

4. ТЈ. Hooker His name was Hooker. He-he-he-he. 

5. Benny Hill Apparently a fat man with his own TV show is 
allowed to grope strange women and chase them around in his 
underwear od to know. 

6. Dylan McKay of Beverly Hills 90210 Taught me how to le 
wicked cool outgoing message on my answering machine: "Hey, 
this is Peter. I'm not here. You know the drill." 

7. Jo of The Facts of Life Taught me that women can be men too. 
8. Airwolf This sophisticated battle helicopter caused my first 
erection. I honestly don't know why 

= Sam “Маудау” Malone Surrounding yourself with losers 
s you look even cooler. Hence my neighbors Cleveland, 
e and Joe, and my daughter, Meg. 

10. Arthur Fonzarelli Smoking is not cool, never mess with turkeys, 
and if you wear a leather jacket you are impervious to STDs 


Showed me it's not gay to do 
: By the way, was he totally 


ave а 


Peter Griffin is the animated star of Family Guy, Sundays at nine P.M. on Fox. 


GIVE A TOAST THAT WILL GET A GREAT RECEPTION 

*To the bride's relatives you are an envoy from the country of 

Groomoslavia. If the groom's buddies seem urbane and witty, so 

does the groom. If they're jack-offs, the groom looks like a jack-off. 

«You can't overthank the people throwing the р: 

*There's a time to razz the groom about his terrible ‘ex-girlfriends or 

collegiate open-bed policy. It’s called the bachelor party. 

‘Avoid suggesting that you don't really know the bride. Also avoid 

suggesting that you have biblical knowledge of the bride. 

*Don't go in without an exit strategy—memorize your closing line, 

something like “So let's all raise a glass to Wendell and Esther...” 

*Sure thing: a story about the groom breaking the news to you. 

Share that touching, possibly fictional conversation in which he 
jude, I think this is the one." They'll eat it up. 


І ЕСЕР A 
ымы A 
BOOKKEEPER SUSAN HORNING MAKES A 
STRONG STATEMENT 


PLAYBOY: What do you do 
for a living? 

SUSAN: I'm a bookkeeper 
at an accounting firm, but 
I'm studying to become an 
accountant. 

PLAYBOY: They say ac- 
countants are the most 
boring people on earth. 
SUSAN: I'm just the oppo- 
site. | love to dance and 
have a good time. It doesn't 
take much to get me drunk. 
PLAYBOY: Are you allowed 
to wear sexy outfits around the office? 

SUSAN: | always get in trouble for wearing low-cut 
tops or ones that are too tight. There's not much | can 
do about that because | have pretty big breasts. | 
wear fun lingerie—if | have to dress conservative all 
week | can at least have fun underneath 

PLAYBOY: If you go out to a bar after work in your 
office clothes, do guys hit on you? 


SUSAN: | get more attention when I'm dressed up оп 
the weekend. | think it intimidates а lot of men when 
they see you in business attire. 


11, Must be at le 
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Sand Trap 


Shortest Marriage 
gounis between British lovebirds 
Victoria Anderson and Scott McKie. 
The bride filed for divorce following the 
reception, at which the couple had argued 
and the groom was arrested for assault. 


=». 
Every Dog Painting Has Its Day 
$590,400 Paid at an auction for А Bold Bluff (above) and 
Waterloo, a pair of paintings by Cassius Marcellus Coolidge. 
Both are from Coolidge's renowned series of 16 images of ca- 
nine amusements, commonly known as "Dogs Playing Poker." 


NRA 


An annual membership in the Kabul Golf Club is $160. Greens fees—not that there are 
any actual greens—are $10. Putting is done on a brown surface made of sand and oil. 


Price Check 


Nation 
40% of 
Americans 
keep a gun 
in their 
home. 


College Girls 
Gone Wild 


In 2002 women 
earned 742,000 bach- 
elor's degrees, and 
men just 550,000. 
Many schools now sur- 
reptitiously practice 
affirmative action 

for males to fight the 
growing gender gap. 


Colonel Tso 


A new KFC opens in 
China every 1.3 days. 


The Price of Purity 


The change in Arbitron rankings of 
four Clear Channel radio stations 
after they dumped The Howard 
Stern Show for being offensive: 

with Stern without Stern 


WTKS-FM, 

Orlando 2nd 8th 
WXDX-FM, 

Pittsburgh 3rd 11th 
WNVE-FM, 

Rochester 6th 14th 
KIOZ-FM, 

San Diego 5th 20th 


Change in fortune of two Infinity 
stations that picked up the show: 
WOCL-FM in Orlando went from 
17th to 1st, and KPLN-FM in San 
Diego went from 17th to 4th. 


~ 


Hurling 
Through 
Space 


According to 
NASA officials, 
the KC-135 aircraft used 
to train astronauts for weightless- 
ness had been cleansed of more 
than 285 gallons of vomit by the 
time it was retired. 


Odd Duck 


The Australian duck- 
billed platypus has 10 
sex chromosomes, more 
than any other mam- 
mal—most, including 
humans, have just a 
single pair. Scientists 
think the extra genetic 
material may indicate 
a link between mam- 
malian, avian and rep- 
tilian evolution. Yeah, 
that and the duck bill. 


25 


stpauligirl.com 


Enjoy St. Pauli Girl responsibly. 


You never forget your first girl? 


© Imported by Barton Beers, Ltd., Chicago, IL. 


EW 5 


| WAR ОҒ THE WORLDS 


Tom Cruise has a lousy weekend 


Steven Spielberg has finally gotten hip to a basic tenet that 
science-fiction diehards cherish: Aliens don't invade Earth to 
make nice but to stomp our cities and hurt us. Based on H.G. 
Wells's 1898 novel, the film features deadbeat daddy Tom 
Cruise and hostile daughter Dakota Fanning caught in an on- 
slaught of interstellar creatures. Says screenwriter David 
Koepp, "Spielberg has spent lots of time convincing us that 
maybe aliens are just like us, that maybe they just want to 
talk. Now he's saying, ‘What if they're assholes?” The movie 
is also about the darkening of Cruise's screen image. "What 
happens to the Top Gun guy 20 years later if he is bitter, self- 
ish, no good at parenting and angry?" asks Koepp. "We gave 
him kids who don't like him, put them in his custody for the 
weekend and made that weekend the end of the world." 


Г CINDERELLA МАМ 


Can Russell Crowe be a million-dollar dude? 


The heavyweight lineup for this big, uplifting 1930s boxing biomovie 
includes award baiters Russell Crowe, Renée Zellweger, director Ron 
Howard, screenwriter Akiva Goldsman and producer Brian Grazer, 
meaning it could pack a serious punch with Oscar voters. Crowe 
comes out swinging as Jim Braddock, the reaHife Irish brawler who 
rose from New York's slums to become the world heavyweight 
champ and who, when considered finished, gave Depression- 
battered Americans an underdog to root for as he climbed back into 
the ring to feed his family. Given Crowe's record of extreme com: 
mitment, we could have a period-epic knockout here. Then again, we 
might have only Seabiscuit with boxing gloves. "Russell gives a very 
intense performance," says Grazer. "The movie's dominant element 
is boxing, which is shown in a visceral, original way, but the film also 
has this highly emotional component that's going to be really effec- 
tive with girls. Yes, it's set during the Depression, but the only per- 
son who could compare it to Seabiscuit is a competitor." 


| MR. AND MRS. SMITH | 


There's romance and intrigue—on-screen and off 


This romantic action film finds hipster director Doug Liman 
(The Bourne Identity) putting Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie 
through their paces as a bored-with-each-other married cou 
ple who suddenly learn that each is a world-class assassin 
hired to rub out the other. As if the plotline weren't intriguing 
enough, the flick (which also features Vince Vaughn and Adam 
Brody) comes rife with cloak-and-dagger scuttlebutt from the 
set, such as hostility between Jolie and Liman and tabloid 
reports of а PittJolie romance, which both parties have de- 
nied. “Total bullshit," says Liman of rumors of mutinies and 
canoodling. “Тһе film is much more creatively ambitious than 
anything l've ever done and has an insane amount of action. 
At the same time that I'm trying to give audiences all the thrills 
of an action sequence, l'm trying to undermine that by saying, 
That's actually not what you should be impressed with. We 
have an amazing love story here, too.’” 


27 


by Stephen Rebello 


best of the month 


movies 


[ BATMAN BEGINS ] 


The Dark Knight gets even darker 


“It's not a sequel, not a prequel. Forget everything you've seen before; 
this is where the story really begins," says Christian Bale, who, along 
with Memento director Christopher Nolan, boldly swoops down on the 
Bat franchise, a daredevil move that could earn the dynamic duo 
superhero status if the movie—the caped crusader’s fifth big-screen 
adventure—is a hit. This time there are no candy-colored sets, over- 
ripe star cameos or codpieces, just Bruce Wayne witnessing the 
slaying of his parents, fleeing to the Far East to learn fiendishly cool 
ways to wreak vigilante vengeance and then trekking homeward to 
kick butt and scare the living hell out of evildoers while wearing that 
cape and mask. Says the brooding cult hero of American Psycho, 
“| didn’t care to do Batman the way I've seen him done before. When 
he wears that suit he becomes somebody dark, with great battles 
raging within, and not entirely human—something unknown, mysteri- 
ous and threatening, the monster that lurks within Bruce Wayne.” 


| THE LONGEST YARD | 


“Адат Sandler tackles an old favorite 


In this redo of Burt Reynolds's 1974 crowd-pleaser, two 
prison inmates—a hardass pro quarterback (Adam Sandler 
in Reynolds's old role) and a former college champion 
(Reynolds, redux)—are forced by vicious warden James 
Cromwell to form a team of inmates to go head-to-head with 
sadistic guards. Says Reynolds, "I told Adam, ‘Forget about 
the hits you're going to take. Just work on the quarterback 
walk and the shut-the-fuck-up attitude.' He plays a hell of a 
game of basketball and is a tremendous golfer, but most im- 
pressive was that within five weeks he was throwing 40-yard 
passes. They found an unbelievable menagerie of guys for 
this movie, like Bob Sapp, Brian Bosworth, Michael Irvin and 
a guy from India, the biggest guy I've ever seen. This new one 
works in ways that our first picture didn't, because the audi- 
ence will fall in love with every one of these animals." 


28 


Monster-in-Law 

(Jennifer Lopez, Ja N el Vartan) It's J. Lo's turn 
to meet the parent in this acid-etched comedy from the direc- 
tor of Legally Blonde. An unlucky-in-love professional dog 
walker, 1. Lo is brought home by her fiancé (Vartan) only to 
clash with Fonda, his rich, hilariously vindictive mother. 


Our call: The real news is that 
Fonda returns to the big screen 
after 15 years, looking foxy, hit- 
ting comic home runs and mak- 
ing mincemeat out of everyone 
around her, including J. Lo. 


Heights 

(бі о , Isabella 
Rosse x-di = deceit- 
ful New. Yorkers makes a photographer (Banks) second-guess 
her wedding to a businessman (Marsden), while her mother 


(Close), a theater legend, questions her own open marriage. 


Our call: Close soars again 
(think Oscar nomination), and 
the whole cast rises along with 
her in Merchant-lvory's sharp 
dissection of contemporary rela- 
tionships and sexual mores. 


House of Wax 

(Elisha Cuthbert, Chad N h ris Hilton) This 
shudderfest, made first in the 1930s де again in the 19505, 
gets a Texas Chainsaw Massacre makeover with a cast of young 
collegians who discover a wax museum where the figures look 
suspiciously real and the proprietor is clearly a nut job. 


Our call: Even so-so fright flicks 
like Hide and Seek and Boogey- 
man are hot right now, so the 
timing is perfect. And it may be 
a chance for оп to finally 
impress her critics. 


Lords of Dogtown 

(Emile Hirsch, Victor Rasuk, hnny Knoxville) 
In the mid-1970s in Venice, California a pack of young surfers 
and outcasts used empty swimming pools and a desolate pier 
to revolutionize skateboarding—turning it into an acrobatic, 
aggressive sport—and became local legends. 


Our call: A fictionalized version 
of the 2001 documentary Dog- 
town and Z-Boys, this action 
drama could be the antidote for 
those who are allergic to sum- 
mer’s formulaic blockbusters. 


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30 


reviews [ dvds 


thriller Bad Day at Black Rock 
(1955). Blackboard Jungle 
(1955) remains the blueprint 
for juvenile-delinquent films, 
while Elia Kazan's A Face in 
the Crowd (1957) savages 
media-manufactured celebrity. 
Otto Preminger added homo- 
sexuality to corrupt politicians" 
backroom dealings in Advise 
& Consent (1962), to great 
effect. Finally, James Garner 
stars as a cowardly Navy man 
in the satirical gem The Amer- 
icanization of Emily (1964). 
Extras: Commentaries, trailers 
and a new retrospective on 
Face. ҰҰҰХ —Greg Fagan 


[ THE CONTROVERSIAL CLASSICS COLLECTION ] 


Seven films that once rocked the boat are still making waves today 


Blind belief in the system is the target, seven times, in this mix of movies that each 
took aim at hot-button issues and left a lasting political and social impact. / Am 
а Fugitive From a Chain Gang (1932, pictured) is the still-shocking tale of 
а man unfairly sent to а forcedlabor camp. Fury (1936) offers Spencer Tracy as a 
wrongly accused man who faces a vengeful mob, and Tracy appears again in the taut 


THE LIFE AQUATIC WITH STEVE ZISSOU 
(2004) Bill Murray reteams with Roya/ 
Tenenbaums director Wes Anderson in 
this bizarre comedy about a Jacques 
Cousteau-like oceanographer who battles 
a barrage of quirky catastrophes while pro- 
ducing his latest lackluster sea adventure. 
Some whimsical visuals and a stellar cast 
partially compensate for too many offbeat 
nuances (glowing pastel sea creatures) and 
plot turns (a hostage-rescue scenario). 
Extras: The special 
two-disc Criterion 
edition includes a 
video journal of an 
on-set intern, a 
documentary and 
deleted scenes. 
YY —Thomas Cunha 


ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13 (2005) In 
this solid remake of John Carpenter's 
1976 siege classic, Detroit policemen (led 
by Ethan Hawke) holed up in a precinct 
house team with convicts to fight dirty 
cops intent on killing everyone inside. 
The violence is unapologetically extreme, 
and it works. Ex- 
tras: An HBO First 
Look special, four 
featurettes, includ- 
ing one on assault. 
weapons, and de- 
leted scenes. ¥¥¥ 

— Brian Thomas 


SCRUBS: THE COMPLETE FIRST SEA- 
SON (2001) Never has a show about con- 
ventional medicine been so unconventional. 
ER and most other medical series are 
humorless, but the young docs of Sacred 
Heart Hospital can't take anything seri- 
ously, including disease, and the result is 
one of the most inventive sitcoms on TV. 
The 24 episodes are told through the 
fantasy-fueled interior monologues of J.D. 
(Zach Braff), whose neurotic hallucina- 
tions aren't what you want going through 
your doctor's head when you're sick. It's 


nice to see underappreciated John C. 
McGinley—as the merciless Dr. Cox—in a 
role that uses his fasttalking talent to its 
best advantage. 
Extras: Commen- 
taries, a documen- 
tary, a gag reel 
and never-before- 
seen dream se- 
quences. УУУУ 
—Buzz McClain 


BEYOND THE SEA (2004) Kevin 
Spacey's pathological fascination with 
Bobby Darin pays off in his depiction of a 
desperately driven entertainer who 
became a huge pop star, married actress 
Sandra Dee (Kate Bosworth) and died at 
the age of 37. The movie, though, rarely 
rises above biopic 
Clichés. Extras: 
More Spacey- 
as-Darin tunes, 
plus a Spacey- 
as-Spacey com- 
mentary track. 
yy —G.F 


ENTOURAGE: THE COMPLETE FIRST 
SEASON (2004) The first eight episodes 
introduce us to the Hollywood adventures 
of New York actor Vince Chase (Adrian 
Grenier) and his titular hangers-on as 
they hook up with women, score pot and 
piss off Gary Busey. Vince looks to his 
homeys to keep him grounded, but they 
would rather sponge off his fame and for- 
tune. Jeremy Piv- _ - 

en is impressive 
as an oily land 
shark. Extras: 
Cast and crew 
interviews and 
audio commen- 
taries. УУУ —B.M. 


Now we know why Will Smith is always flashing that self-satisfied grin. We loved 
his wife, Jada Pinkett Smith, in Menace // Society (1993), Set It Off (1996), 
Scream 2 (1997), Matrix Reloaded and Revolutions (2003) and last year's Со/- 
lateral. But we really noyan her in Jason’s Lyric (1994, pictured) as a young 


woman with an inter- 
est in poetry and, as 
you can see, gettin" 
jiggy in the great 
outdoors. It's the 
only time we've 
seen the missus in 
the buff, which is 
not likely to change 
this month when she 
lends her voice to 
Gloria the Hippo in 
the animated kiddie 
flick Madagascar. 


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reviews [ dvds 


| critical collector | 
[ 60 WEST] 


A herd of Western classics stampedes its way onto DVD 


Fans of HBO's frontier hit Deadwood—a fresh and sensationally lurid remix of traditional 
Western tropes—will find an ample supply of oaters in the DVD store's new bin these 
days, beginning with a new collector's gift set of Lawrence Kasdan's 1985 hit, Silver- 
ado. A joyful all-star pastiche, Silverado 
leapfrogs earnestly over the revisionist, 
thinking man's Westerns that held sway in 
the 1960s and 19705, opting instead to 
please crowds. Warlock (1959) is more іп 
line with Deadwood's sensibilities, with con- 
flicted gunslingers Richard Widmark and 
Henry Fonda facing off in a mining town 
that's up to its holsters in unsavory com: 
promise. Forty Guns (1957), wonderfully 
shot in black-and-white widescreen, features 
a powerful turn by Barbara Stanwyck. Also 
new to disc is The Train Robbers (1973, 
pictured), among the last films Western 
giant John Wayne made and one of his odd- 
est. The plot is standard Wayne, as widow 
Ann-Margret hires him to find stolen gold 
stashed by her husband, but writer-director 
Burt Kennedy shot the film against stark, 
white-sand backgrounds in Durango, Mex- 
ico—in effect casting the Duke's iconic 
presence in near abstraction. To appreciate. 
Wayne weird, you need Wayne 101, and for 
that nothing beats John Ford's 1956 clas- 
Sic, The Searchers, which is currently available on DVD but due for a 5Oth anniversary 
special edition that the hard-core might want to hold out for. It's an absolute shelf essen- 
tial, as are High Noon (1952), starring Gary Cooper; Shane (1953), starring Alan Ladd; 
John Sturges's The Magnificent Seven (1960); Sergio Leone's The Good, the Bad 
and the Ugly (1966); and Sam Peckinpah's The Wild Bunch (1969). —G.F. 


Money, spice and blood flow freely in these updated favorites 
The double-disc set of Martin Scorsese's Casino: 10th 

ES ! Anniversary Edition is loaded like a pair of wobbly dice. The 
bounty of supplements paints a vivid picture of 1973 Las 

Vegas, with featurettes on Nicholas Pileggi's book and screen- 
play, the real gangsters who inspired the Mob saga and the 
furnishings and fashions of vintage Vegas.... Longer and wider 
than ever! No, it's not the subject line for another piece of 
spam but rather the 137-minute theatrical edit and the super- 
size 177-minute version of David Lynch's otherworldly 1984 
epic, Dune, based on Frank Herbert's classic sci-fi novel. Both 
versions arrive together in a nifty metal snap case, and it's the 
first time the extended edition has been given the anamorphic 
widescreen treatment. The never-seen bonus material details 
the special effects, wardrobes and visual designs, and there 
are also, somehow, deleted scenes.... If you envied rising 
executive Christian Bale's immaculately tailored 1980s busi- 
ness suits in American Psycho (2000), check out American 
Psycho: Killer Collector's Edition. Our favorite featurette is 
"Postcards From the '80s," which delves into the cool fashions 
d and hot designer products Bale's character is obsessed with, 
as well as his favorite music and restaurants, so you too can 

look and smell like a vain chain-saw slayer. —B.M. 


BLADE: TRINITY (2004) The third 
time is definitely not the charm for this 


tongue-in-cheek Blade sequel. Wesley 
Snipes's vampire hunter must battle a 
muscle-mag Dracula and his ven- 
omous minion, played with demented 
gusto by Parker Posey. У% 


(1995-1997) This ensemble comedy 
earned die-hard fans but never big rat- 
ings. It nearly derailed after star Phil 
Hartman's murder, but these 29 
episodes are among the best. ¥¥¥ 


BEAU GESTE (1939) Included in the 
new Gary Cooper Collection DVD set is 
this midcareer classic featuring excel- 
lent action. The Geste brothers enlist 
in the French Foreign Legion in shame 
and fight epic battles in the North 
African desert in honor. УУУУ 


N `- (2001) Elizabeth 
Wurtzel's self-indulgent memoir— 
about her bitchy battles with depres- 
sion—makes for a nearly unwatchable 
movie, starring Christina Ricci, that sat 
on the shelf for years. ¥ 


WHAT'S NEW, PUSSYCAT? (1965) 
Peter Sellers and Peter O'Toole are a 
shrink and his patient in this ultra-mod 
sex farce scripted by Woody Allen, 
who co-stars along with Romy Schnei- 
der and Ursula Andress. УУУ 


C (2004) In this even 
funnier season, Dave Chappelle 
returns as crackhead Tyrone Biggums 
and a black President Bush. ¥¥4 


TONY ROME (1967) Frank Sinatra 
stars as the eponymous Miami private 
dick who gets drawn into a case of 
missing family jewels. If you like it his 
way, Tony's adventures continue in the 
sequel Lady in Cement (1968), with 
Raquel Welch. ¥¥¥ 


| ` (2004) While this 
credible TV biopic about L.A.'s favorite 
madam ups the flesh factor for DVD, 
it's not as salacious as the “unrated 


and uncut” box art suggests. Voyeurs 
should place this Са// on hold. ¥¥ 


Worth a look 
Forget it 


33 


34 


reviews [ music 


PROJECTS' GREENLIGHT 


Verse 534: The Bleek shall inherit the hood 


Even after breaking out of Brooklyn's notoriously rough 
Marcy housing projects, Memphis Bleek was not a free 
man. Since his debut appearance on Jay-Z's Reasonable 
Doubt in 1996, Bleek has battled to rhyme his way out of 
Hova's imposing shadow and leave behind the protégé 
tag that has left him playing Pippen to Jay-Z's Jordan. 
Signs of that pressure are everywhere on 534, named 
after the building where Bleek and Jay-Z grew up. Refer- 
ences to “first-week numbers" and getting dropped by 
his label dart between the signature synths and break- 
beats of the Roc-AFella sound. This anxiety is Bleek's 
best inspiration; it runs wild through "Get Low" and 
"Alright" as he threatens to give up the rap game and go 
back to life on the block. Only once does his desperation 
backfire as he trudges through the chick duet "Infatuated" 
with the guilty look of a man searching for a hit. Other- 
wise Bleek plays it thuggish, twisting up a stoner ode on 
"Gimme a Light" and toughing it out through noisy beats, 
sirens and saxophone samples. Toppling Jay-Z is a chal- 
lenge that no rapper today has seriously taken up—but 
with the ruler in retirement, Memphis Bleek is a real 


contender. (Roc-A-Fella) ¥¥¥ 


Jason Buhrmester 


MAXIMO PARK * A Certain Trigger 

In passing, the Park may sound like another 
angular guitar band in the mold of Kaiser 
Chiefs or the Futureheads. Closer listening, 
however, proves the Newcastle combo 
likes melodious pop and Beat as much as 
it likes Gang of Four. Songs are double 
speed but brim with vocal harmonies and 
big choruses. (Warp) ¥¥¥ Tim Mohr 


MASHA QRELLA + Unsolved Remained 
The Berlin chanteuse returns with her 
second solo album of melancholic 
songs and haunting melodies. A dis- 
junctive mix of low-fi guitar and murky 
electronics perfectly complements 
Masha's breathy singing. This is beguil- 
ing late-night fare for the lovelorn 
(Morr) ¥¥¥ Leopold Froehlich 


ROBERT NIGHTHAWK 

Prowling With the Nighthawk 

Here at last is a fine compilation of blues 
from 1937 to 1952 played by the under- 
rated master of slide guitar. Nighthawk 
spans the move from Delta acoustic to 
Chicago electric. At his best—which is 
well represented here—he rivals Muddy 
Waters. (Document) ҰҰҰ? LF. 


SPOON * Gimme Fiction 

This Austin band's most recent album 
was an Exile on Main Street for hipsters. 
For this follow-up, singer Britt Daniel “had 
to find the feeling again," as he croons 
here. He found it in Beatles records and 
hand-clapping 1960s rock and roll. It's not 
as lean as the earlier work, but the raw 
power is still sexy. (Merge) ¥¥¥ —J.B. 


PIERRE BOULEZ 

Le Marteau Sans Maitre 

When Le Marteau premiered 50 years 
ago, it was hailed as a modernist 
masterpiece. The 2002 performance 
here, conducted by its composer, 
shows that time has only increased 
Marteau's authority and grandeur. 
(Deutsche Grammophon) ¥¥¥ LE 


GORILLAZ * Demon Days 

The most truly outrageous cartoon band 
since Jem and the Holograms returns to 
share its genre-defying trip-pop-ambient- 
electro-indie-hop. Behind the animated 
characters are Blur's Damon Albarn and 
his current crew: DJ Danger Mouse, De 
La Soul and the London Community 
Gospel Choir. (Virgin) ¥¥¥—Alison Prato 


SLEATER-KINNEY * The Woods 

Now more than ever, Sleater-Kinney wails. 
The Portland three-piece musters its 
biggest sound yet—and its first guitar 
solos. Carrie Brownstein's yowl is out- 
muscled by Hendrix-style studio trickery, 
but the gorgeous "Jumpers" and the 
bluesy walk of "Modern Girl" bring melody 
amid the power. (Sub Pop) ¥¥¥ J.B. 


THE RAVEONETTES + Pretty in Black 
This is the most complete statement yet 
from the Danish duo. The Raveonettes 
have punched holes in the wall of sound 
that had up to now given their pop mas- 
terpieces a white-noise veneer. The lighter 
touch works well: Stripped, the songs 
shine with the winsome charm of 1960s 
girFgroup singles. (Sony) ¥¥¥# Т.М. 


М napster. 


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over 1,000,000 songs on your PC. Now with Napster То Go”, you can 
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Wu 


AN 


36 


reviews [ books 


Though The Diezmo is only his second 
novel, Rick Bass has established himself 
as a master of words. Soon after the 
Republic of Texas is created, two teenage 
boys recklessly join the Mier Expedition, a 
poorly planned military foray into Mexico. 
The Mexicans quickly outgun and capture 
the Texans, who escape only to be 
damned by their own lack of foresight. For- 
getting to bring along water, they are 
forced to drink the blood of animals. On 
being recaptured they are sentenced to 
the diezmo, a punishment in which one of 
10 is randomly executed. Bass excels at 
showing how enemies shift during times of 
war: The two friends turn against each 
other, and their Mexican captors become 
their occasional allies. The book contains 
many exquisite passages that will give the 
reader pause—perhaps because they 
don't seem to be as much about this his- 
torical event as they are about the current 
situation in Iraq. A masterpiece. (Houghton 
Mifflin) ұууу — Patty Lamberti 


ZORRO + Isabel Allende 
Dreamed up in 1919, Zorro was an early 
experiment in character licensing. But 
Allende imagines a more romantic his- 
tory for the mini-mustached caballero. 
Setting the scene in the early 18005, the 
novelist tells the story of the son of a 
Spanish colonist and a 
Shoshone mother, who 
travels to Spain and the 
States while learning 
the skills of the sword 
and the ways of love. 
This is a fitting tribute 
to the man behind the 
mask. (HarperCollins) 
yyy% —Jessica Riddle 


Pook of the mont 
[ REMEMBER THE MIER ] 


A reenactment of a forgotten battle for the Lone Star State 


SUNDAY MONEY * Jeff MacGregor 

As MacGregor writes, "While you were 
sleeping, stock car racing became Amer- 
ica's national pastime." To understand 
the phenomenon, he loaded up a motor 
home and joined the 75 million NASCAR 
fans across the U.S. as he chased the tour 
from city to city. He's 
best when discussing 
the drivers' lives or rac- 
ing's moonshiner history. 
Only when he drones on 
about his wife does the 
book feel temporarily 
stuck behind a slow 
driver. (HarperCollins) 
УУ —Jason Buhrmester 


HAUNTED * Chuck Palahniuk 


Our obsession with celebrity takes it on the chin in 
Palahniuk's new horror show about 17 wannabes who 
sign on for a writers retreat and end up in hell. A Vin- 
cent Price-like workshop leader locks the cohort in an 
abandoned theater where they must survive on freeze- 
dried food. These pilgrims don't stand a chance against 
their own demons. They tell one another vicious stories 
from their lives (two of the tales were published in 
PLAYBOY), but the poor souls have little more to offer than 
a raw desire to be famous. Each helps create an 
increasingly grotesque story in a competition to be the 
biggest victim in the movie about their ordeal. Palah- 
niuk's anti-Survivor drama is funny, always on the edge 
of reality and bloodied by the profound horror of nar- 
cissism. (Doubleday) ¥¥¥ —Rebecca T. Miller 


It's unfortunate, but most books about 
the sex trade aren't sexy. Callgirl: 
infessions of an Ivy League Lady 
of Pleasure (Perennial Currents) is no 
exception. The author of this memoir, 
Jeannette Angell, 
lectured at a uni- 
versity by day 
while making 
ends meet work- 
ing for an escort 
service. Even 
when she has a 
moment of in- 
sight—such as "| 
have faked more 
orgasms than | can count. Sorry, but 
that simply isn't sex. It is for him; but 
while he's having sex, l'm at work"— 
it's all about business. If you're read- 
ing a book about sex that needs a 
bibliography, you need to go have 
some instead.... Angell may lament 
her time on the wrong side of the 
law, but Junior Kripplebauer and the 
K&A Gang en- 
joyed the hell 
out of their crim- 
inal years spent 
robbing wealthy 
suburbanites 
from Maine to 
Florida. Confes- 
sions of a Sec- 
ond Story Man, 
by Allen M. Horn- 
blum (Temple University), follows the 
gang's giddy success before prison 
and the drug trade took their toll. 
Why is Junior's story important? 
"Prior to the K&A guys, there was 
no organization to burglary," a Phil- 
adelphia cop once said.... Razor 
Smith isn't the first criminal to turn. 
over a new leaf after discovering he 
could write. A Few Kind Words and 
a Loaded Gun (Chicago Review) is 
Smith's account 
of savagery and ronem 
redemption. А 
career criminal 
who spent half 
his life in Brit- 
ish prisons, he 
finds when he 
picks up a pen 
that he has a 
talent for some- 
thing other than 
crime. But even then he admits he 
loved fighting the system more. Of 
the three, Smith's book is the most 
arresting. — Barbara Nellis 


(шек кезін) 


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38 


reviews] 


games 


line, combat and character. The 
company goes a step further with 
Jade Empire (Microsoft Game 
Studios, Xbox), the RPG you have 
when you're not having an RPG. 
This kung fu adventure set in an 
ancient Asian realm challenges 
you to uncover the land's mystic 
secrets using martial arts and 
magic. Whether you're channeling 
chi to heal townsfolk or hacking 
bad guys to bits, expect this gor- 
geous, inventive effort to floor 
you. Wisely scrapping turn-based 
combat in favor of free-flowing 
action, the tale offers more of what 
most people want: a deep, subtle 
world and thousands of ways to 
beat it up. УУУУ —Scott Steinberg 


Г ROCKIN’ ROLE-PLAYING | 


Step into the magnificently brutal world of Jade Empire 


Too often success in role-playing games depends on your tolerance for learning the 
minutiae of whole-cloth worlds as you painstakingly build characters to take on ever 
larger beasties. Developer BioWare showed us it wanted to take the genre elsewhere 
with its smash hit Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic, a perfect blend of story 


PARIAH (Groove Games, PC, Xbox) 
From the folks who brought you Unreal 
(again using its graphics engine), this 
gripping, vivid sci-fi shooter fuses 
intense military action with an en- 
gaging tale and memorable characters. 
In the single-player game you'll shoot 
your way through a war-torn future 
Earth on foot and in vehicles while try- 
ing to contain a 

genetically engi- 

neered disease. 

Multiplayer on- 

line modes will 

satisfy your replay ma. 

jones. yyy% 

—Marc Saltzman 


RISE OF THE KASAI (SCEA, PS2) This 
sequel and prequel to The Mark of Kri 
puts you back in the martially artistic 
shoes of Rau, his predecessors 
Baumusu and Griz and his lissome 
sister, Tati. Great watercolor visuals 
highlight their efforts to defeat an 
ancient evil order. Though the unique 
combat interface and the aforemen- 
tioned Tati ini- 
tially charmed 
us, the game's 
repetitive action 
sequences ulti- 
mately revealed 
a lack of depth. 
yx --5.5. 


ADVENT RISING (Majesco, РС, Xbox) 
With a story penned by legendary sci-fi 
author Orson Scott Card, Rising posits a 
future in which alien races view humanity 
as either myth or threat. You are Gideon 
Wyeth, an envoy and warrior whose super- 
natural abilities rival his considerable 
firepower. Your job? Bringing humans and 
aliens together through combat and 
diplomacy. Great 
physics, audio 
and presentation- 
al touches round 
out this long- 
awaited space 
opera. ¥¥¥% 
—Chris Hudak 


HAUNTING GROUND (Capcom, PS2) 
You're a young girl trapped in a castle, 
a creepy psychotic is after you, and all 
you have to help you is your dog, Hewie. 
Survival means solving puzzles, finding 
hiding places and paying attention to 
Hewie so he'll do what you say. The 
game's gritty style and disturbing visuals 
recall films such as The Grudge and 
The Ring. Play- 
ers looking to 
get creeped out 
will have a ball 
(Hewie's cutesy 
name notwith- 
standing). ¥¥¥ 
—John Gaudiosi 


[ HEALTHY PLAY ] 


Games and controllers that 
want to see you sweat 


ONLINE 


($2,300, nexfit.com) This exer- 
cise bike lets you control 
PC games via the ped- 
als and handlebars and 
has vibration effects to 
simulate bumpy terrain 
or enemy fire. 


> 


($30 to $35, yourself 
fitness.com) A cute 
virtual trainer leads 
you through workou 
customized to your age, weight 

and goals, offering gentle but firm en- 
couragement. And we do mean firm— 
Maya is a very 
effective fitness 
advertisement. 


($60 with dates 
pad, konami.com) 7 
Though DDR was 

originally con- I 
ceived as a game, 

not as exercise, it has always had a 
workout mode that calculates calo- 
ries burned and tells you how much 


jogging or swimming 
you would have to do 
to get the same effect. 
id 
1 


SÉ 


THE KILOWATT ($800 
to $1,500, powergri 
fitness.com) These con- 
trollers for GameCube, 
PC, PS2 and Xbox use 
isometric resistance to 
work your upper body 
and abs while you 
race, shoot or 
do anything else 
you'd normally 
do with a joystick. 

— Scott Alexander 
Kasumi 3-D gel mouse pad ($25, 
tecmogames.com) Carpal tunnel got you 
down? Lay your tender tendons between 
the ample assets of Dead or Alive's 
Kasumi, This mouse 
pad may not con- 
fer any mea- 
surable health 
benefits, but 
we have more 
than enough 
anecdotal ev- 
idence for 
the heal- 
ing power 
of breasts. 
--5.А. 


EVEN THOUGH MILLER LITE 
IS LESS FILLING AND HAS 
HALF THE CARBS OF BUD LIGHT, 
IT CANNOT GIVE YOU 
WASHBOARD ABS. 


ON THE OTHER HAND, 
SIT-UPS CANNOT GIVE 
YOU GREAT TASTE. 


p/m call. 


Great Taste. Less Filling. 


pm 


olayboy's 
summer 
112-010, 
2906 


Who can find fault with a season 
distinguished for its preponderance of 
hot weather, hot parties and hotties? We 
know you've been pumping away in the 
gym, eating like a monk, moisturizing, 
grooming and keeping that spirits intake 
to a glass of sherry every other Tuesday, 


all in preparation for the Great Summer 


Unveiling—that moment when the shirt 
and the slacks come off, the shorts and 
tank top go on and every babe from here 
to the state line swoons with desire at 
the sight of your manly physique. We're 
right there with ya, stud. But since 
nobody's perfect—even you, Adonis— 
take a look at some last-minute fixes, 
tweaks and tips we've put together to 
help you make the jump from mere stud 
to Erotic Deity. Read on, follow direc- 
tions and prepare to slay.... 


y 


(бо. 
WITH ALOE 
SHEA BUTT: 


AVE BA! 
ORIGINAL FRAGA: 


Racing crew at Pomona. 


Ron Capps and the 


The Brut Shave Team. 
Shave Gel + After Shave Balm with TRI-GUARD.* 
The new shave with the great smell of Brut. Count on it. 


Se BRUT? The Essence of Man? 


GETTING IN TOUCH WITH YOUR OUTER STUD 


STEP AWAY FROM THE MIRROR If the mirror were your 
friend right now, you wouldn't be reading this. Instead of 
looking at it, focus on increases in your performance, 
and gains in stamina and endurance. Whatever method 
you choose to get in shape— weights, yoga, Pilates, 
infomercial gadgets—be patient and persistent. You 
can't bench 100 pounds on Monday and 200 pounds on 
Tuesday, but after eight weeks of steady training, you 
might. That's when you want to check the mirror. 


WATCH YOUR BACK Most guys (especially the ones who 
need to pull it together pronto) focus exclusively on 
pecs, abs and bis— because they can see 'em. But no 
amount of development in those areas is going to look 
good if your back is a jiggly slab. Back work spreads your 
chest, lifts your pecs and opens up your shoulders. 


WORK THOSE WHEELS Leg workouts burn calories and 
fat the fastest, and they keep you from looking like a 
steak on toothpicks. And for now, ditch the heavy 
weights and low reps—that's a long-term strategy. 


TRI HARDER Big manly arms cover a multitude of sins. 
And the way to get them is by torturing your triceps 

triceps extensions, dips, overhead extensions— until 
you're whimpering. You won't need to look in the mirror 
to see results with this one; you'll just feel your shirt- 


Sleeves get tighter, fast 


THE REAL GUT BUSTERS You can do all the crunches 
you want, but unless you get rid of that layer of butter 
around your midsection, no one is ever going to see 
them. So, ditch the three squares a day and instead eat 
four to five small meals a day. How big is a small meal? 
Make a fist, then cover your fist with your other hand— 
there's your answer. And don't skimp on the plain old 
water. Justin Gelban, owner of L.A.'s Exclusive Personal 
Fitness Solutions, whose clients include actors Topher 
Grace, Josh Duhamel and Michael Weston, calls for “а 


balanced diet of four or five small meals a day, totaling 
no more than 2,000 to 2,400 calories altogether and a 
gallon of water over the course of the day." John Petrelli, 
who trains musician Ziggy Marley and actors Rick Yune 
and Leland Orser, suggests you keep the carbs for the 
morning, when they're easier to burn off. "Always eat 
breakfast," advises Petrelli. “It's how you get your 
metabolism spinning again during the day." Really feel- 
ing motivated (or 
desperate)? For 
three weeks (and 
no more) eat only 
protein (chicken, 
fish, beef) and 
vegetables No 
dairy. No alcohol 
No starch. No 
sugar. And nothing 
that comes in a 
wrapper or pack- 
age. And don't 
neglect cardio: 
running, swim- 
ming or those 
machines at the 
gym, at least 30 
minutes every 
other day. It's like 
liposuction without 
the blood and doc- 
tors—or the bill 


cause more su о 
than two weeks in Cancun. 


Gillette” Complete 
Facial Moisturizer. 


Тһе first moisturizer 

made for men by the people 
who know a man’s face best. 
“non-greasy 

-dermatologist tested 

"fragrance free 

‘SPF 15 

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SKIN GAME 


EASY IS GOOD When it comes to skin, according to Dr. 
Peter Kopelson of the Kopelson Clinic in Beverly Hills, 
gentle is always better. "People overdo it with the exfo- 
liants, toners and astringents. Usually, a mild soap and 
light moisturizer with sun protection is all you need on а 
daily basis." Men have more skincare choices these days 
with products created especially for them. Gillette 
Complete Skincare" is a line of advanced dermatologist- 
tested men's skincare products. The line includes a 


mild-formula cleansing bar 
and moisturizer with SPF 15, 
designed to help deliver healthy- 
looking skin in just 14 days. 


BROILED OR FRIED Neither is 
best, according to Kopelson. 
"Even if the weather doesn't 
seem too hot, men who are out- 
side in the summer, especially 
playing sports without shirts and 
in shorts, are prone to sun dam- 
age and pre-cancer,” Kopelson 
observes. He recommends a sun- 
screen with an SPF of 30 as well 
as protection against UVA light. 
Look for ingredients such as 
avobenzone (also called Parsol 
1789) and the new ingredient 
meradimate. And check your 
meds: Many commonly used 
medications can up your sensitiv- 
ity to sunburn, he points out. 


PUT IT EVERYWHERE Don't for- 
get to put sunscreen on your ears, the back of your neck 
and any bald spots on your head. Use a lip balm that 
contains sunscreen as well. 


GREASE RELIEF Another major issue that comes up for 
men in the summer is acne caused by perspiration and 
natural oils that build up on your skin's surface. Add 
sunblock, hair gels and 
pomades to the mix and 
you could well be on your 
way to Zit City. Kopelson 
advises using products 
that are non-acnegenic or Ten to 15 minutes 
non-comedogenic when of daily exposure 
you can. to sunlight is 
necessary for the 
health of your skin 
and bones. Your 
skin converts 
sunlight into 
vitamin D, which. 
helps your body 
absorb calcium. 
Any more than 15 
minutes and it's 
time to slap on 
the sunscreen. 


GOOD 
EXPOSURE 


SPOTTY BEHAVIOR "Age 
spots"— sometimes 
called liver spots—have 
nothing to do with the 
liver and are only indirect- 
ly associated with age. 
Technically called solar 
lentigos, they appear after 
years of exposure to the 
sun. People associate 
them with aging because 
they can take years— even 


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decades— to form. While sun is the major 
culprit, certain substances can react with 
sunlight to form age spots. These include 
tetracycline and other antibiotics; some 
diuretics (water pills), usually prescribed 
for high blood pressure; some tranquiliz- 
ers; and over-the-counter antihistamines. 
You should also be careful when making 
fresh mojitos for that summer barbecue: 
Limes (along with parsley, parsnips and 
some other foods) contain chemicals 
called psoralens that can cause skin to 
burn more easily and blister; when the 
blisters heal, age spots can appear. 


AVOID RASH DECISIONS Heat rash (also 
referred to as miliaria or sun poisoning) 
occurs due to clogging not of pores but of 
sweat glands, Kopelson explains. Heat 
and tight clothing can clog sweat glands, 
resulting in a very un-suave and uncom- 
fortable red rash. Keep the tight synthetics to a mini- 
mum —when the action gets hot, your clothes should 
hang loose. 


WHEN TO SEE A DERMATOLOGIST "People should see 
their dermatologist once a year," advises Kopelson 
"People with a history of skin cancer or a family history 
of skin cancer should visit their dermatologist every six 
months. Melanoma is the most serious form of cancer; it 
is also common and preventable, If you see any changes 


in moles— pigmentation changes, bleed- 
ing, scabbing, crusting or new growth — 
get them looked at immediately." 


HAIR AGAIN 


A KINDER CUT Kopelson recommends 
shaving gently, going with the grain and 
shaving every other day. "If you can get 
away with it, it really helps avoid razor 
burn and ingrown hairs, and it will save 
your skin in the long run," he says. 


CREAMY GOODNESS "A good shave 
cream will soften your beard and lubri- 
Cate your skin," Kopelson points out 
And there is no shortage of choices out 
there. The Tri-Guard* Formula in Brut* 
Shave Gel for Normal Skin delivers a 
close, refreshing shave for all skin types. 
It combines shea butter and aloe to help 
hydrate and balance skin, eliminate irritation and pro- 
tect from nicks and cuts. Another option if you really 
must shave every day (or even twice a day, and some of 
us do) is to dispense with water shaving entirely, and opt 
for an electric razor. Braun recently introduced the infi- 
nitely adjustable Braun CruZer3, the only shaver with 
3-in-1 functionality (shave, style, trim). Meaning, of 
course, that that goatee, mustache or beard will look just 
as sharp as the rest of you 


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EARS AND NOSES She's not going to whisper sweet 
entreaties into your ear if she has to do it through a 
mound of fuzz. We mean it. Nothing kills chemistry 
faster than hairy ears or an obvious nose full of lint. 
Invest in a pair of small safety scissors (in the nail care 
section of any drugstore) or a nose hair clipper and keep 
that nostril pelt trimmed and out of sight. When it comes 
to ear hair, trim it, pluck it or wax it (most nail salons 
have waxing technicians who can do this), but get it 
under control. Your sex life depends on it. 


SCENTUALITY IN THE 
HUMAN MALE 


WHAT YOU SHOULD NOSE Long before you think about 
whether you find somebody attractive or why, their scent 
provides you with a more visceral sense about them, says 
Dr. Scott Swartzwelder, professor of psychiatry at Duke 
University and a senior research scientist at the Durham 
V.A. Medical Center. "The areas of the brain that the 
olfactory system connects with are those that are 
involved with emotion and survival," explains 
Swartzwelder. The amygdala, for example, is a part of 
the brain that handles both scent and emotions (which 


explains why a whiff of Love's Baby Soft still makes you 
hot for your eighth-grade crush). "When two people say 
that there wasn't any chemistry between them," says 
Swartzwelder, "it's not always just a figure of speech." 


SEASONAL SENSE Know your season: You wouldn't 
wear a heavy wool coat in the middle of July, right? You 
also shouldn't wear a wintry cologne in the 
summertime. "The summer fragrances are 
lighter, not as heavy or musky as the winter 
ones," says Kate Oldham, Vice President 
and Divisional Merchandise Manager for 
Fragrances at Saks Fifth Avenue. “Summery 
fragrances often contain refreshing hints of 
citrus," says Ron Robinson, CEO of Apothia 
at Fred Segal. "The most well-received 


summer fragrances feature citrus inclusions such 
as grapefruit, bergamot, and lime. They have brighter 
and crisper top notes [initial smells] and are fresh, 
clean scents." 


TRY IT You probably wouldn't buy a pair of jeans just 
because they look good on the mannequin, and you 


IT CAN HAPPEN ANYWHERE. 


THE NEW LONGER LASTING AXE EFFECT. (Т 


shouldn't buy cologne just because you like the way it 
smells in the bottle, "Scent has a life to it," says 
Oldham. “It needs to dry on your skin and work with your 
chemistry. Wear it 
around for a day and 
make sure it suits 


you. 


SPRITZ EASY Okay, 
so you've found a fra- 
grance that's perfect 
for you. Be careful 
not to overdo it, says 
Oldham: "Put on 
enough that people 
close to you can 
smell it, but not peo- 
ple across the office. 
It is always nice to 
have someone nuzzle 
you and then tell you 
how good you smell." 


BUILD TO A GREAT 
FINISH Maybe 
you've heard women 
talk about "layering" 
their fragrances by 
using a shower gel, moisturizer and perfume with the 
same scent. Men can also build to a subtle yet lasting 
finish by choosing a fragrance that comes in a complete 
line of body products. Most men's fragrance lines offer a 
selection of shampoos, soaps, shaving products and 
talcs to complement their colognes. An added plus: You 


TIFFANY FALLON WOULD 
LIKE A WORD WITH YOU... 


Words of wisdom from our Playmate of the Year 


"Keep your beard, mustache and goatee 
trimmed and clean. Save the Robinson Crusoe shipwreck 


avoid the scent clashing that can come from wearing a 
different-smelling deodorant, aftershave and cologne at 
the same time. "It's better to have one scent than many, 
because it can be 
conflicting,” says 
Oldham. The Axe line 
addresses the odor 
problem, the clash- 
ing-scents problem 
and the nice smell 
issue entirely, by 
offering Axe Shower 
Gel in four unique 
fragrances and Axe 
Deodorant Body 
Spray in coordinating 
scents. 


Being a suave sum- 
mer (or year-round, 
for that matter) guy 
is all about knowing 
when to start—and 
when to stop. When 
it comes to packag- 
ing yourself, a light 
hand applied consis- 
tently does the trick. 
As our sage advice columnist, Tiffany Fallon, puts it: 
“Making an effort is the ultimate seduction.” Now, go 
get 'em, tiger.... 


Produced by: Peter McQuaid; Advice: Tiffany Fallon; Fragrance: 
Susannah Gora; Fitness: Noah Manne; Skincare: Michael Smolinsky. 


look for your fishing buddies," 


"A little color is great, but don't skimp on the 


sunscreen. There is nothing worse than burnt, peeling skin — major turnoff. And 
skip the fake tan; it just doesn't work for guys." 


"Cologne is great, but easy does it. The only time | 


should smell it is when we're close." 


"|f you've got a great head of hair, we are going to want to 


run our fingers through it—keep the 'product' to a minimum." 


"Should look like they're looked after. Fingernails should be 


short and clean—as should your toenails, by the way —and skip the polish." 


E 
F 


жата» Diy ago QL 
NEW AXE SHOWER GEL 


THE HOUSE OF MENTHOL 
"` "` ` | 


2004 АЈАТС 

FILTER KINGS BOX: 16 mg. "tar", 1.2 mg. nicotine av. per cigarette 
by FTC method. The amount of tar and nicotine you get from this 
product varies depending on how you smoke it. There 15 no such thing 
asa Safe cigarette. Formate informatibn visit wWw.bwtarnié.com 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking 
By Pregnant Women May Result in Fetal 
Injury, Premature Birth, And Low Birth Weight. 


SS MANTRACK ........... 


Raise the Roof 


many’s I 


topl 


GEARHEADS WORLDWIDE gasped when Porsche rolled out the 2005 911 Carrera S. Just when you thought the vaunted German com- 
pany had perfected the coupe, it found a way to make it more aggressive and more refined at the same time. We hurtled through 
Virginia's Blue Ridge Mountains in one, rounding curves at high speed and accelerating hard up to the bumper of a driver who, sec- 
onds earlier, hadn't seen anyone in his rearview. Now Porsche has lopped the top off this speedster, unveiling the Carrera Cabriolet 
this spring, so you can do your summer driving with nothing but sky above your head. There's a base 3.6-liter, 325 bhp flat six- 
cylinder ($79,100), but you should opt for the 3.8-liter, 355-bhp Carrera S Cabriolet ($88,900), which comes with larger, 19-inch 
wheels, Michelin Pilot Sport tires and a more sensitive computerized suspension system, among other upgrades. Cradled in the 
cockpit, you'll sprint from zero to 60 mph in 4.7 seconds and redline at 6,600 rpms. She's got a lot of attitude; the harder you push, 
the harder she'll push back until you top out at a hair-raising 182 mph. The six-speed shifter's short throws are hammer quick. An 
optional lap timer fits atop the dash, so you can view performance data on a screen. And when the sun's out, dropping the all- 
weather canvas lid is a breeze. You can roll it back in 20 seconds while cruising at 30 mph. For more info zip over to porsche.com. 


> 


Reasons to Road- 
Trip This Month 


1. The Bonnaroo Music & Arts Festival (June | 
10-12, Manchester, TN). Scheduled to appear: 
the Black Crowes, Dave Matthews Band, the 
Allman Brothers, vanloads of heads and more. 
2. The Belmont Stakes (June TI, Elmont, NY). 
After leg three of the Triple Crown, take your 
winnings into Manhattan to Alto, chef Scott 
Conant's new midtown Italian hot spot. 

3. Tijuana bullfighting (the season started » 
May 1). Print the schedule off bullfights.org, 

grab the penicillin and head for the border. 

4. Highway 1 through Big Sur. Just because. 

5. The Playboy Jazz Festival (June 11-12, Los 

Angeles), which has filled the Hollywood 

Bowl for 26 years running. See you there. 


A View to a Call 


П 
TECHNOLOGY PRODUCTS ARE NOT usually known for their attitude, but here's 
one that wants to get right up in your face. A cooperative venture between 
Oakley and Motorola, the RAZRWire (price TBA, hellomoto.com) is a pair of 
shades with built-in Bluetooth so you can talk wirelessly on your cell. Sure, 
you'll be rocking the Corey Hart look if you take a call at night, but this 
is an early peek at a not too distant future in which technology 
finds its way into every possible cranny of your life. 
Get a pair and let your geek flag fly. 


53 


MANTRACK 


YOUR COFFEE TABLE is one of the hardest-working items in your 
house. Between propping up hors d'oeuvres and providing a 
home for the latest issue of pLavsoy, it shouldn't have time for 
much else. Don't underestimate its eagerness to please. German 
design firm Ronald Schmitt's latest creation, La Table du Temps 
($2,500, 919-781-6822), doubles as a clock. Not only will it hold 
up your cocktail, it can tell you when happy hour begins. 


CAVE DWELLERS HAVE never had it this good. The cluster of 18 whitewashed 300-year- 
old cave villas that compose Perivolas—a resort on the quiet south end of the Greek island 
Santorini—started out as wine cellars and stables. They've been transformed into elegant 
hideaways, perfect for the kind of private encounters that occur when you're far from the 
quotidian grind. Each villa is unique, with curving sculpted walls, vaulted ceilings and 
rounded alcoves where beds have been tucked. And all are perched on possibly the most 
jaw-dropping infinity pool in Europe (below). The view looks off the famous caldera cliff 
and over the electric-blue Aegean Sea, into which the sun sets every night. (Scholars will 
recall that Aphrodite, the goddess of love and beauty, sprang from the Aegean lying on an 
oyster shell, looking very edible.) The weather in June can't be beat, and the local wine 
isn't bad either. High-season rates go from $579 to $1,904 a night; book at perivolas.com. 


Best Day of Your Life: 
Rutger Hauer 


“рр BEGIN BY sailing a gorgeous 
Alden wooden boat to Catalina 
Island, off the coast of Los 
Angeles. After docking I'd 
go diving in a tuxedo wet 
suit and a Tag Heuer dive 
watch. Then I'd have sushi 
on my boat with a chilled 
South African chardon- 
nay—the best. I'd meet up 
with friends and drive an 
Airstream motor home to 
Dollywood, Marlon Bran- 
do's ghost would be there 
too. Then I'd go back to my 
boat, have sushi again, watch 
Fargo with a Glenlivet single malt 
and fall asleep on the deck." 


ый 


IZ 


MANTRACK 


WI (HE n. e: 


v 
u 
т 
о 
> 
3 
© 


About Time 


THE MAXI MARINE chronometer from 
Ulysse Nardin was inspired by the deck 
chronometers sailors used for navigat- 
ing way back when. The self-winding, 
handcrafted Swiss time machine is 
water-resistant to 200 meters, should 
you go overboard. Pictured: rose gold 
case with leather band ($15,900). See 
the line at ulysse-nardin.com. 


Bottle Rocket 


BRIAN LORING pressed his first 
grape six years ago. He's the 
Loring Wine Company's only 
employee, and he has a day job 
(computers). Yet critics are 
scrambling to get ahold of his 
pinot noir. His 2002 Clos Pepe 
Vineyard (far left, sold out) 
garnered the top spot out of 
nearly 500 California pinots in 
Wine Spectator's ranking for 
that vintage, beating all the 
heavyweights. Thirsty? Info at 
loringwinecompany.com. 


LOOKING FOR a new flame? Behold the 
most radical design ever from one of the v 

biggest names in luxury lighters. Flick the roll 

bar atop 57. Dupont's D.Light and—voila!— 

you're smoking. The flame shoots from the 

small hole at top right. The lighter comes in E 
four finishes ($600 to $725, st-dupont.com). 


Branch Manager 


EVER SINCE THE FIRST neolithic fashionista used cowhide to carry stone arrow- 
heads, man has known that leather makes great luggage. Leave it to the Japanese 
to help us evolve. The Monacca (about $185, arenot.com), from Tokyo-based design 
house Arenot, is a lightweight, hand-sewn, cedar-clad briefcase that can accom- 
modate a 17-inch PowerBook. The canvas lining handles the heavy lifting, cradling 
your computer and providing two pockets for CDs, power cords or cave paints. 


We care about you. Ride safely, respectfully and within the limits of the law and your abili. Aways wear an approved helmet. proper eyewear and protective clothing, and insist your passenger does too. Never ride while under 
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that point crystal clear, theres Genuine Motor Parts and Accessories. So you can make your Harley” your 


very own. Call 1-800-588-2743 for a dealer or visit www.harley-davidson.com. IT'S TIME TO RIDE. ЛЫШ 


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What does it mean when a woman asks, 
“What are you thinking about?”—W.G. 
Bowling Green, Ohio 

She's looking for a pulse—some acknowl- 
edgment and reassurance that the relationship 
is humming along. The question usually con- 
fuses guys. They figure if the relationship isn't 
working, one person will leave. They think, 
Does she want me to catalog my current ran- 
dom musings on baseball, tits and blow jobs? 
That will only piss her off But if. you respond 
with those old standbys "nothing" or "you," 
that doesn't satisfy her either. Men need to rec- 
ognize that the exchange of seemingly mundane 
details is how women establish intimacy with 
their best female friends. She's approaching you 
in the same way. Deborah Таппеп, a linguis- 
tics professor at Georgetown who wrote the best- 
seller You Just Don't Understand: Women 
and Men in Conversation, says the best way to 
deal with this is for couples to acknowledge 
what's going on. The man should get in the 
habit of bringing up topics for discussion. The 
woman needs to reassure herself that, absent 
other signs the relationship is suffering, his 
silence doesn't mean he's unhappy. Linda 
Vaden-Goad, a social psychologist at Western 
Connecticut State University who has studied 
how couples use silence, says even if men are 
willing to share their thoughts, they are more 
comfortable with action than analysis. "Dis- 
closure makes them feel vulnerable, and they're 
supposed to be strong," she says, "though some 
men in our studies admitted to using silence 
asa strategy to maintain power because it keeps 
their partner guessing." Which is interesting 
but not something we want to talk about. 


М, ex-girlfriend has an eight-month-old 
daughter. She told me the baby isn't 
mine, but I don’t know if I believe her. I 
am about to deploy to Iraq. How do I 
approach her after months of silence? 
I don't want to die not knowing if I have 
a child.—M.N., Los Angeles, California 

If your ex isn't willing to provide a cheek 
swab from the child for a DNA test (which will 
cost $350 to $500), you'll need to ask a judge 
to compel her, based on your suspicion that you. 
are the dad. You should realize that being the 
father doesn't necessarily mean you'll share in. 
custody, but it could easily mean you'll help рау 
for her upbringing. 


М, friends give me а hard time because 
I always order bottled beer at bars. They 
say draft is fresher. I suppose that's true, 
but I've always just preferred the bottle. 
What do you think?—R.S., Gary, Indiana 

As you like it. Michael Jackson, a PLAYBOY 
contributor and the author of Great Beer 
Guide, says that bottled beer can be more 
refreshing because it has a slightly higher car- 
bonation. But the carbonation prickle on 
your tongue also masks flavor. In addition, bot- 
led beer is usually pasteurized, and that can 
flatten its flavor or impart a cooked taste. 


Draft beer is pasteurized less aggressively, 
and sometimes not at all, because it has a faster 
turnover. If "draft" appears on the bottle, the 
brewer may have used sterile filtration to avoid 
pasteurization, but that can strip some of the 
beer's body. So for fresh-tasting beer, a draw 
is the better bet. "In the U.K. and at select pubs 
in the U.S., casks are delivered with unfer- 
mented sugars and live yeast so they can finish 
developing in the cellar,” Jackson says. He also 
points out what may be the most important 
attribute of a draft, which is that you rarely 
find yourself drinking one alone. “If anyone 
can find a way of putting the pub in a bot- 
tle," he says, "I might be more inclined to 
shop for the odd six-pack.” 


About a year ago I told a friend I had 
strong feelings for her. She said that "at 
the moment" she didn't feel the same 
about me. I've watched her go from 
boyfriend to boyfriend, so the obvious 
question is, Why not me? I want to tell 
her I'm in love with her but don't want 
to jeopardize the friendship. What 
should I do?—D.K., Rockford, Illinois 

If you feel that way about her, it has already 
changed the friendship. You can inform her 
again how you feel, but don't expect her to 
respond any differently. We're as optimistic 
about love as the next guy, but this sounds 
like a dead end. She may come to her senses, 
but in these situations that seems to happen 
only after you've moved on. 


Га like to become a swinger, but I'm a 
single guy. What is the best route to 
enjoying some free no-strings sex?—D.F, 
Shreveport, Louisiana 

The best route is to find yourself a swing- 
ing girlfriend. Thousands of lone wolves would 
love to cruise the orgy, but there aren't enough 


ILLUSTRATION BY ISTVAN BANYAI 


swinging wives to fuck them all. That's why 
clubs admit only couples or single women. 


My car stereo won't play the music CDs I 
burn on my computer. Is there a fix?—J.T, 
Hamden, Connecticut 

First make sure you are using CD-Rs and. 
not CD-RWs. If you are using CD-Rs, try 
another brand. Make sure you burn your 
MP3s or other music files as audio, not data (а 
good CD-burning program will take care of 
this automatically). Burn the disc all at once, 
rather than over multiple sessions, and make 
sure to finalize it so the CDD can be read by play- 
ers other than your computer drive. If none of 
this works, it may be time to upgrade to a player 
that handles MP3s. If you do this, you'll be able 
to fit 10 albums on a single disc. 


Twenty years later I am still having 
dreams about my first love. She broke up 
with me, and I reacted badly. Eventually 
I recovered and am now happily mar- 
ried. But every few months she shows up 
in my dreams, in which I usually apolo- 
gize to her. I wake up feeling bad. Then 
I feel worse because I wonder why the 
hell I'm still anxious about someone I 
knew in high school. Can you provide 
апу insight?—L.T., Miami, Florida 

Paging Dr. Freud! As many people have 
found, your first love lingers as a symbol of the 
perfect relationship. At the time, your brain 
was flush with the chemicals that accompany 
romance, but the relationship didn't last long 
enough for them to wear off. You also didn't 
live with her, so you saw each other only in pre- 
pared momenis. Twenty years later she is 
truly a ghost—the 17-year-old girl you dated 
no longer exists (nor, for that matter, does the 
17-year-old boy who loved her). The next time 
you have one of these unsettling dreams, rec- 
ognize that your mind is putting into a famil- 
iar form the anxiety we all have about being 
rejected. We all have regrets about our behav- 
ior, but it’s difficult to regret being young. If 
you knew then what you know now, you would 
have been dating older women. 


Have any studies been done to calculate 
the ideal temperature for sex?—N.R., 
Marshall, Texas 

Check your thermostat; that's it. Biologically 
the optimal range is when a woman's basal 
body temperature rises between 0.4 and 1 
degree, which indicates she is ovulating. Or 
maybe that's the worst possible temperature. 


Im due for a physical but am reluctant 
to get the prostate exam. Is it absolutely 
necessary that the doctor stick a finger 
up my ass? What's he looking for, any- 
way?—K.L., Farmington Hills, Michigan 

Most tumors begin in the area of the gland 
he can feel with his finger, so he's looking for 
lumps. As an alternative you can request а 
blood test called a prostate-specific antigen 


58 


PLAYBOY PICKS 


your guide for living the good life 


STOLICHNAYA MAKES 
SUMMER PEACHY. 


Stolichnaya” announces the 
creation of the Stoli Peach 
Cobbler, featuring Stoli Persik”, 
a naturally infused peach- 
flavored vodka. To make, mix 
102 Stoli Persik", '/; oz heavy 
cream, '/. oz peach schnapps, 
a splash of butterscotch 
schnapps, a splash of 
Southern Comfort and a twist 
of orange in a shaker with ice. 
Strain into a martini glass 
rimmed with cinnamon sugar. 


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screening. Whether either method is necessary 
is a topic of debate among physicians because 
there's no шау to tell if a tumor will kill you 
quickly or hang out for years, and aggressive 
treatment can have serious side effects. In 2002 
a government task force noted that "screening 
is associated with important harms, including 
‘frequent false positives and unnecessary anxi- 
ety, biopsies and potential complications of 
treatment of some cancers [such as impotence 
or incontinence] that may never have affected 
a patient's health.” According to the Centers for 
Disease Control and Prevention, of every 100 
men over the age of 50 who have а PSA screen- 
ing, 85 have a normal reading (including a 
small number who have a tumor that is missed) 
and 15 have a high reading that requires fur- 
ther tests. Of those 15, three will have cancer. 
Clinical trials are under way to determine 
whether men screened annually are less likely 
to die of prostate cancer than those who never 
get tested, but the results aren't expected for five 
to 10 years. On a related note, a recent study of 
1,453 men by researchers in Seattle found that 
those who reported drinking four or more 
glasses of red wine each week had a 50 per- 
cent lower chance of developing prostate cancer. 


Таша regular masturbator who has 
come out of the closet and accepted the 
activity as normal and healthy. Га like 
to further explore the art of self-pleasure. 
While searching online I came across a 
site devoted to what teenagers once 
called circle jerks. A coed solo sex party 
sounds like a great alternative to a full- 
blown orgy, especially since it eliminates 
the risk of STDs. How would I find 
one?—N.T, Los Angeles, California 

You may have to organize it yourself. We 
know of only one continuing coed venture— 
the annual Masturbate-a-Thon organized in 
San Francisco by Carol Queen as a fund-raiser 
for her nonprofit Center for Sex & Culture. 
Unlike those in the past, this year's event, on 
May 28 (register at masturbate-a-thon.com), 
will be held with both genders diddling in the 
same room. There may also be a live Internet 
feed. Back in the late 1980s Queen and other 
women asked if they could join a group of gay 
male masturbators called the Jacks, That led to 
regular Jack-and-Jill Offs. But Queen says that 
as more men showed up at the public event, 
fewer women returned, and the last vulva left 
the building in 1992. 


Do real men ever order scotch and water, 
or is that considered effeminate?—M.O., 
Madison, Wisconsin 

A scotch and water is effeminate only if a 
woman is drinking it. When you add water to 
а glass of whiskey, especially a single malt, it 
releases the liquor's aroma and subtle flavors. 
It also helps remove the alcohol burn, which 
lets you taste the malt and not just the booze. 


When you're at a party and stuck talk- 
ing to someone for a long time, what is 
the best way to break away?—K.T., Phoe- 
nix, Arizona 

А refill is the easiest way out. Always invite 
the person to join you; he or she may come, but 


the idea is to walk past other guests so one or 
both of you break away. Another standby is the 
bathroom. Most people won't feel insulted if 
you say, "It's been great talking with you," 
and take your leave, but don't use this right 
after they've told a story, because it will appear 
they were boring you. You should then cross the 
room; if you just turn your back to face the 
next group, it looks too much like a slight. 


My best friend has married a woman 
who is such a bitch that no one in our cir- 
cle of friends, including my girlfriend, 
wants to be around her. How do I tell 
him that everyone hates his wife?—J.P., 
Chicago, Illinois 

He already knows—or he should, since he's 
probably seeing a lot more of his wife's friends 
than his own. Good friends are often the first 
victims of bad marriages. 


| plan to get a tattoo on the shaft of my 
cock and perhaps the head. My girlfriend 
has agreed to keep me hard, but any 
other advice you can offer would be 
appreciated.—V.J., Ashland, Wisconsin 
We have never placed anything sharper 
than a woman's teeth near our penis, so we 
asked for counsel from Gerry Beckerman of 
Ozark Ink Tattoo in Ava, Missouri (and for- 
merly of Phoenix and Fort Lauderdale), who 
has done a number of penis tattoos during his 
27 years in the business. He says you don't 
need to be erect to have it done; the ski 
ply needs to be pulled taut. It's usually stretched 
by the artist, an assistant or a girlfriend or wife. 
"The tattooing isn't that painful, but it's still a 
E experience for most guys," he says. 
1 just did the penis of a friend who wanted 
‘Mary’ іп Old English script on his shaft and 
votum. Mary pulled the 
The skin of the shaft is thin, 
ss you hire an experienced 
е underside is less forgiving than 
the top. The scrotum is another matter. It's like 
tattooing a basketball." You can draw just 
about anything on a penis, Beckerman says, 
though most men keep it simple. "I've done 
more than one fly or smiley face on the head," 
he says. "But I also turned one guy's shaft 
into а barber pole." Other designs at the body- 
modification site bmezine.com include stars, ап 
eyeball, ladybugs, butterflies, an elaborate 
dragon whose wings and tail extend up the 
guy's abdomen, an entirely green or black shaft 
and/or head, hot-rod flames, hula dancers, 
roses, a fish, webbing, scorpions, a dagger, 
Satan and labels that read USDA INSPECTED 
and WARNING: CHOKING HAZARD. 


a tribal design on h 
skin as I worked. 


м, wife turns 40 next year and I want 
to do something special, so I told her I 
would take her to Las Vegas. She loves 
Vegas but gave me a look that said, What's 
so special about that? Then I told her I 
want to watch her pick up a stranger at 
a bar and screw him. I don't think I could 
stand watching, but if she wanted me to 
join in I'd be willing. How can I convince 
her? She hasn't said no, but I could tell 
from the look on her face that she is less 
interested in the idea than I am. Do 


women who've been with only one guy all 
their life get curious once they hit their 
4052 My wife says no, but I disagree.—B.V., 
Los Angeles, California 

Whose birthday did you say is coming up? 
You're planning your own party. It doesn't 


matter if other women get curious in their 405; 
your wife may not be. Besides the fact that she 
would be doing all the work, these things are 
messy, especially when you involve a random 
barfly. We suggest you ask your wife what she 
wants for her birthday. 


sas City, Missouri 
hose are viscosity grades, which indicate 
the thickness, or weight, of the oil. Check your 
owner's manual, but in most places it won't 
make much difference if you use one or the 
other. The two numbers indicate how the oil 
performs when the engine is cold and hot. 
The 10W-30, for instance, contains polymers 
that allow it to act like a thinner 10-weight 
oil as the car is started and a thicker 30-weight 
oil while it's operating. This is important 
because when you first start the engine the oil 
is thinner and pumps more quickly. As the 
engine gets hotter the oil thickens, which pro- 
vides better protection for its moving parts. 
(This innovation—adding polymers to ой that 
make it thicken as it gets hotter when it natu- 
rally would become thinner—is one reason 
engines today can last well beyond 100,000 
miles.) In Maine the temperature goes below 


zero often enough that many people use OW-30. 
In the Midwest 5W-30 is sufficient. 


| do everything for my man. I clean the 
house, prepare his clothes for work and 
have a meal on the table when he gets 
home for lunch and supper. Since the 
day we married he has never made his 
own meal or opened his own can of beer. 
He brags to everyone about our rela- 
tionship. I love pleasing him. He works 
long hours almost every day to provide 
me with everything I need. The problem 
is that everyone tells me this is a bad rela- 
tionship. They say he is too controlling 
and that I should leave. But I have alway 
felt that a real woman takes care of her 
man. Am I wrong? He's happy, I'm 
happy, so what's the problem? How do I 
get people to stop judging our relation- 
ship?—J.H., Columbus, Ohio 

Your husband needs to open his own beer. 
That's where we draw the line. Also, people 
should mind their own fucking business. 


ls it better for your balls if you wear box- 
ers or briefs?—M.S., Portland, Oregon 
There's no difference, at least according to a 
study reported in the Journal of Urology. The 
scrotum is generally a few degrees cooler than 
the rest of the body because sperm like it that 
way. The idea is that wearing briefs raises the. 
temperature and limits production, which 
can be good or bad, depending on your desire 
to be a father. One experiment in the 1960s 


ys 


attempted to raise scrotal temperature using an 
insulated jockstrap and a lightbulb. But it 
wasn't until the mid-1990s, when two urolo- 
gists at the State University of New York at 
Stony Brook took careful measurements of 97 
patients, that we had any real insight into the 
matter. They found the average boxer ball tem- 
perature to be 97.9 degrees and the average 
brief ball temperature to be 97.7, leading to the 
conclusion that “the hyperthermic effect of 
briefs has been exaggerated.” More recently 
another State University of New York urologist 
found that sitting with the knees together to 
support a laptop caused the scrotal tempera- 
ture of his 29 volunteers to rise by about one 
degree, even before the computer was turned 
on. Long-term, he said, this could cause fer- 
tility problems. The only previous research on 
this topic was a 2002 letter to the Lancet in 
which a physician described a patient whose 
laptop burned his penis through his pants 
and underwear. Those suckers can get hot. 


All reasonable questions—from fashion, food 
and drink, stereo and sports cars to dating 
dilemmas, taste and etiquette—will be per- 
sonally answered if the writer includes а self- 
addressed, stamped envelope. The most 
interesting, pertinent questions will be pre- 
sented on these pages each month. Write the 
Playboy Advisor, 730 Fifth Avenue, New 
York, New York 10019, or send e-mail by 
visiting our website at playboyadvisor.com. 


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ND E 
TOWN E EVER 1-1 MAL 
ЖЕДІ USF 


EA CRIM 


E. ARE W VE ALI 


BY ROBERT SABBAG 


merican patriot James 
Otis, arguing against 
royal warrants autho- 
rizing general search and 
seizure, stood before the Mass- 
achusetts Superior Court in 
1761 “in opposition to a kind 
of power the exercise of which 
in former periods of history 
cost one king of England 
his head and another his 
throne." Otis was unsuccess- 
ful, and the warrants, known 
as writs of assistance, led a list 
of indignities that cost the 
reigning king of England his 
American colonies. The ulti- 
mate subversion of the prin- 
ciple that a man's house is 
his castle, the writs also led 
directly to the Fourth Amend- 
ment to the Constitution: 
the right of the people to 
be secure, in their persons, 
houses, papers and effects, 
against unreasonable searches 
and seizures." Today in Mass- 
achusetts, just down the road from Otis's Cape Cod birth- 
place, what constitutes an unreasonable search is again 
being debated. This time the argument is shaped not by 
the equities of a royal tariff on imported molasses (a pre- 
cursor to colonial rum) but by considerations of a domes- 
tic commodity for which the nation's appetite is at least as 
great: homicide. 

In January 2002, freelance fashion writer Christa Wor- 
thington, 46, was found stabbed to death on the floor of 
her house in Truro, an outer Cape town of about 2,300. 
A sensational murder in a place where crime is rare, the 
homicide has already spawned one bad best-seller and 
possesses all the meretricious, tabloid-ready story points 
necessary to drive several equally awful movies of the 
week. Not least of what makes the murder newsworthy 
is that it remains unsolved. Last January, three years 
after the crime, police instigated what the American Civil 
Liberties Union of Massachusetts refers to as a "DNA 
dragnet" to advance the stalled investigation, asking all 
‘Truro men over the age of 18, some 790 of them, to vol- 
unteer a genetic sample. 

Responding to complaints from residents, the ACLU 
called for an end to the sweep, raising various Fourth 
Amendment concerns. First, it questioned whether the 
citizens’ cooperation was in fact voluntary. Residents wer 
approached by police in public, being asked, in effect, if 
they had anything to hide. (Police reported taking oral 


swabs from 75 men the firs 
day.) Public statements by 
authorities that those who 
refused to cooperate would 
draw suspicion amplified 
what the ACLU identified 
as "a particularly insidi- 
ous form of coercion." The 
ACLU further questioned 
whether the dragnet had 
a legitimate purpose. The 
Fourth Amendment stan- 
dard of reasonableness bal- 
ances the government's 
interest against the intru- 
sion on individual privacy. 
According to ACLU legal 
director John Reinstein, 
the government's interest 
is insubstantial, "knowing 
what we know about DNA 
sweeps in this country: 
They don't work." Only 
once in 18 attempts in the 
U.S. has such a sweep de- 
livered results. Finally, the 
ACLU asked, once an in- 
dividual was ruled out, what would become of the 
digital information derived from his DNA? Would it 
be retained, becoming available to law enforcement 
officials around the country? Would the samples them- 
selves be retained? Anything kept would be subject to 
later testing for other purposes, and that, Reinstein says, 
represents the real danger to personal privacy. At the 
moment there are statutory restrictions against con- 
ducting certain tests, but those laws can change, and as 
long as the samples are retained, the possibility for such 
testing exists. 

One of the more articulate defenders of the govern- 
ment's position, surprisingly, is noted New York civil rights 
lawyer Ronald Kuby, who sees nothing in the state's action 
to justify invoking the Fourth Amendment. "Everybody 
thinks this is a constitutional issue, but it really isn't," Kuby 
says. "Moral suasion on the part of the government is not 
the equivalent of compulsion for search-and-seizure pur- 
poses. There is no constitutional right to be free from 
police suspicion." As a constitutional scholar, Kuby says, 
he admires what police were doing by calling on th 
conscience of the community and asking people to step 
forward. He applauds it as a marriage of small-town Jef- 
fersonian democracy and 21st century technology. 

A not so admirable expression of the same Jefferson- 
ian democracy, he grants, would be the prospect of 
townsfolk coming to one’s door with pitchforks, ready to 


tar and feather an innocent man who 
simply had a different notion of pri- 
vacy than his neighbors and thus de- 
clined to contribute a sample. "That 
would be truly tragic," he says 

But there is nothing inherently un- 
fair, Kuby says, about the use of DNA: 
“Not since the advent of fingerprint 
examination has there been a law en- 
forcement technique with greater po- 
tential than DNA to free the innocent 
or convict the guilty, and with the most 
minimal invasion of privacy possible." 

But however minimal the invasion, 
Reinstein argues, the historic ineffec- 
tiveness of DNA sweeps renders govern- 
ment interest that much smaller. "That's 
the problem, of course," he says. "If the 
sweeps are voluntary, they're probably 
not going to work." And if they do not 
work, they fail to meet the standard 
imposed by the Fourth Amendment. 

The usual approach to criminal inves- 
tigation, Reinstein observes, "is deduc- 
tive. You find evidence and follow where 
it leads. This case is a reversal of that. If 
we give the government all the infor- 
mation about everyone, somewhere 
buried within it is the ability to solve 
crimes. Serious tension arises between 
that approach and the Fourth Amend- 
ment notion that there is some right to 
individual privacy." 

Not surprisingly, universal testing 
has numerous advocates. Today, under 
the new King George, just about every- 
thing in the Bill of Rights seems up for 
grabs, and the government appears to 
be no less inimical to individual lib- 
erty than was the British crown. The 
president's lawyers, arguing before 
a similarly politicized judiciary, are 
making the very case made in 1761 
by the king's attorney, Jeremiah Grid- 
ley, and they are using Gridley's very 
language, asking how the state, under 
the burden of a right to privacy, can 
protect itself against foreign enemies 
and subversives 

Itis worth remembering that writs of 
assistance were aimed at enforcing the 
Acts of Trade. Smuggling, not sedition, 
was at issue when Otis argued against 
them on behalf of Boston merchants— 
a band of unruly bootleggers and tax 
evaders who believed a man's warehouse 
was his castle. And one does not have a 
constitutional right to commit a crime 
and get away with it. But it is worth 
remembering, too, that if the conve- 


nience of law enforcement had been of 


overriding concern to James Madison 
when he sat down to revise the Articles 
of Confederation, there would probably 
be nothing to argue about: There would 
be no Bill of Rights. 


FORU 


THE LAST DAYS 


OF LETHAL INJECTION 


By Dan Zegart 


itnesses saw nothing partic- 

ularly disturbing during the 

execution of Edward Lee 

Harper on May 25, 1999 other than a 

healthy 50-year-old prisoner being 

killed on an operating table inside the 
Kentucky State Penitentiary. 

At 7:16 рм. the executioner squeezed 

а syringe that sent two grams of so- 
dium pentothal through tub- 


released autopsy reports suggest that 
the deaths of Harper and other pris- 
oners did meet any reasonable defini- 
tion of cruel, casting doubt on the 
notion that lethal injection is the most 
humane way to continue a barbaric tra- 
dition. The evidence is so compelling 
that judges in a dozen states, including 
Kentucky, have halted lethal injec- 

tions, while New Jersey has 


ing into Harper's hand. Next Are declared an indefinite mor 
came a dose of pancuronium torium. As long as the so- 
bromide, designed to paralyze some dium pentothal knocks the 
him, followed by potassium inmates prisoner out, he feels noth- 
chloride to stop his heart. јер but ` ing. But the nature of the 
About 12 minutes after the second drug, pancuronium 
first drug flowed, the warden frozen bromide, which freezes every 
pronounced him dead. as they muscle, makes unconscious- 
The problem is, Eddie Har- > ness impossible to deter- 
per may never have lost con- die? mine. And no one wants to 


sciousness. Instead, he may 

have spent his last minutes paralyzed 
and suffocating, with every nerve in his 
body on fire until the third drug caused 
a fatal heart attack. That, say death 
penalty opponents, isn't a quick, pain- 
less procedure. It's torture. 

Other than Nebraska, which has 
stuck with electrocution, each of the 
38 states with capital punishment has 
switched to lethal injection or added 
it as an option. The U.S. Supreme 
Court has never ruled any method of 
killing as cruel or unusual. Yet newly 


be conscious for the third, 
fatal drug, potassium chloride. 

Dr. Mark Heath, a professor of anes- 
thesiology at Columbia Medical Center 
who has testified that lethal injection is 
inhumane, says prison officials seem 
unconcerned. "They say, "This is what 
we do, and it has always worked,'" he 
But they have no evidence of 
that because they paralyze them all." 
Heath and other physicians fear that 
some prisoners don't receive enough 
sodium pentothal, leaving them in a 
state of suspended animation similar to 


"anesthesia awareness," in which a patient 
awakens in the middle of surgery but is too 
drugged to move or speak. 

All this has become the basis of an appeal 
by two Kentucky inmates who hope to stop 
their own executions. An autopsy on Harper 
performed by the state's chief medical exam- 
iner found 6.5 milligrams per liter of pen- 


tothal in the dead man's blood. Based on 
guidelines established for the state of Ohio 
by Dr. Mark Dershwitz, an anesthesiologist at 


1m 


the University of Massa- 
chusetts Medical Center, 
this indicates a 70 per- 
cent chance Harper was 
alert but paralyzed as he 
died. Toxicological tests 
in North Carolina show 
that of 11 inmates put to 
death between 1999 and 
2002, three received so 
little sodium pentothal 
they were probably fully 
conscious. Of 23 exe- 
cuted prisoners autop- 
sied in South Carolina, 
two were apparently 
awake. Of the others, it's estimated that one 
had a 90 percent chance of beir 
and three had a 50 percent chance. 

Dershwitz says he has reviewed many 
autopsies of executed inmates (though not 
that of Harper) and believes improper meth- 
ods were used to check pentothal levels in 
blood, making them appear lower than they 
really were. "My fundamental premise is that 
if the inmate has a working IV and the med- 
ications are given in the right order, there 
cannot possibly be suffering," he says. 

But the only people who know for sure 
are dead. Doctors are ethically barred from 
participating in executions, meaning the 
qualifications of those who administer the 
injections leave much to be desired. During 
an execution in Maryland, so much of the 
drugs leaked out that they left a puddle on 
the floor; in Alabama the prison's medical 
"expert" suggested inserting the IV into a 
vein that doesn't exist; in Louisiana the exe- 


conscious 


The death room at San Quentin. The 
injection manifold is seen on the door. 


cutioner needed help from another guard 
to push the syringes into the tubing because 
his hands shook so badly. 

Oklahoma anesthesiologist Dr. Stanley 
Deutsch—credited with first suggesting, in 
1977, that a large dose of a fast-acting barbi- 
turate followed by a neuromuscular blocker 
would produce an "extremely humane" 
death—relied not on any research but only 
on his observations in the operating room 
Deutsch remains confident in his formula. 
But a number of judges 
have lost faith, such as 
the Tennessee court that 
found "no legitimate pur- 
pose" for using pancuro- 
nium bromide, a drug 
the American Veterinary 
Medical Association has 
said vets should not use 
to euthanize animals. Pri- 
vately some doctors and 
even death penalty oppo- 
nents wonder why prison 
officials don't follow the 
lead of Oregon, where 
at least 171 people have 
legally and peacefully killed themselves 
under a doctor's supervision since 1998 with 
overdoses of secobarbital or pentobarbital. 

Those who oppose the death penalty are 
hopeful that capital punishment will simply 
grind to a halt under this latest challenge, 
especially given other developments, such 
as the growing number of inmates exoner- 
ated by DNA, the arbitrary nature of death 
penalty sentencing and eyewitness accounts 
of botched chemical injections in which 
prisoners have convulsed violently or 
gasped for 10 minutes. Deborah Denno, a 
Fordham University law professor who has 
written extensively about the death penalty, 
says the public may begin to feel it's not 
worth the trouble. "Something similar hap- 
pened with electrocution. They kept trying 
to fix it, and now it's almost nonexistent," 
she says. "Eventually people may say that 
capital punishment is never going to be 
fixed—enough is enough." 


SHOULD DOCTORS HELP THE HANGMAN? 


ich new execution d to 
Dr. Albert Southwi 


MARGINALIA 


FROM AN E-MAIL 

dated May 22, 2004 

from the FBI's comman- 

der in Baghdad to head- 

quarters, later obtained by the ACLU: 
"Since [redacted] and my arrival in 
Iraq, we have been careful to instruct 
our personnel to use only standard 
interview techniques that we would uti- 
lize back home in our regular work. 
We are aware that, prior to a revision 
in the military's operating procedures 
last week, an Executive Order 

signed by President Bush 

authorized the following, 

interrogation techniqui 

sleep ‘managemen 

use of MWDs (mili- 

tary working 


positions,” such 

as half squats; 

"environmental 

manipulation,’ such 

as the use of loud mu- 

sic; sensory deprivation 

through the use of hoods, 

etc. I have been told that all techniques 
authorized by the order are still on the 
table but that stress positions, MWDs, 
sleep management, hoods, stripping 
(except for health inspection) and envi- 
ronmental manipulation can be used 
only if very high-level authority іс 
granted. We will not report these tech- 
niques as ‘abuse’ since we will not be 
in the position to know whether the 
authorization was received. We will 
consider as abuse any beatings or 
sexual humiliation or touching." 


FROM COMMENTS by Senator 
Ted Stevens (R.-Alaska) during a hear- 
ing about airport security: “Our screen- 
ing that is taking place now is really 
driven so much by the past and not 
really in tune with the future. Now, for 
instance, | saw a display of a fellow 
with a deck of cards who stood 

about five feet away from. 

а person holding a carrot, A 

and he sliced off a piece 4 
of that carrot just by ` 

throwing a card. 1 
saw another person 


take a credit card 

and cut through 9 
what would be 

the thickness of 

a person's neck 

in two seconds, much faster than a 
knife could do it. Yet we seem to be re- 
ally zeroing in on, How can we pick up 
knives? Has any knife been the cause 
of an attempted hijacking since 9/117" 


FROM THE BOOK What the Bible 
Really Says About Homosexuality, by 
theologian Daniel Helminiak: “Only five 
texts clearly refer to male-male sex: 
Leviticus 18:22 and 20:13, Romans 
1:27, 1 Corinthians 6:9 and 1 Timothy 
1:10. Leviticus forbids homogenitality 
as a betrayal of Jewish identity, for 
male-male sex was supposedly а 

Canaanite practice. Romans presup- 
poses Leviticus but mentions it to make 
the point that purity issues have no 
importance in Christ. Finally, with the 
obscure term arsenokoitai, Corinthians. 
{continued on page 67) 


READER RESPONSE 


THE SEATTLE SPLIT 

Like Jonathan Raban, I currently 
reside near Seattle ("Town vs. Country," 
March). I also was born and raised here. 
I have wondered why people who live in 
the city tend to vote Democrat and those 
in the country tend to vote Republican. 
But I am also curious about why "con- 
crete dwellers" support "environmental" 
causes when they don't live in the envi- 
ronment they claim to protect. They 
shout that we should be tolerant of 
others, yet they stereotype people them- 
selves. Somewhere in the middle of the 
reds and blues are folks like myself: 
gun-toting, meat-eating, hardworking 
suburbanites who are sick of concrete 
dwellers making decisions for them 


Auburn, Washington 


It is ironic that Raban's article ap- 
peared only a few months after you had 
John Anderson calling for the Electoral 
College to be abolished. If we went to 
a popular vote, candidates would rarely 
leave the most populous states and 
most never venture outside city lim- 
its. Raban implies that a popular vote 


Seattle from o distance. Is it better that way? 


wouldn't concern city dwellers all that 
much. That's because it would enable 
them to further marginalize rural are 
Marcus Dyer 
Blue Grass, Iowa 
Raban isn't the only person who noticed 
the gap between red and blue. A Washington 
legislator, Republican Bob Morton, has pro- 
posed that a new state be established east of 
the Cascades that would include 20 of Wash- 
ington's 39 counties. Like Raban, he argues 
that eastern Washington has its own culture 
and economy. Similar measures in Vermont, 
California and New Jersey have failed. 


Тһе illustration for Raban's article fea- 
tures an unjust stereotype. It depicts a 
supposedly red-state voter wearing a 


flannel hunting jacket and cap, carrying 
a rifle and drinking a beer. First of all, 
not all red-staters are country bumpkins. 
Second, more magazine readers fall into 
the red-state, protect-the-homeland, г 
sonably conservative mentality than the 
blue-state latte drinker you depict. 
Marc Casarella 
Plainville, Connecticut 


MONEY ART 


In March we featured bills that had been 
altered to make political statements. We later 
came across a collection of currency, includ- 
ing Rasta ond Pussy (pictured), painted by Am- 
sterdam artist Kamiel Proost. You can browse 
his entire collection at kamielproost.com 


ABSTINENCE RESPONDS 

It is not every day that our staff reads 
PLAYBOY, as you can imagine. Your arti- 
cle on our annual conference, held last 
summer in Nashville, brought quite a 
few laughs to our office ("Welcome to 
Virginland," February). We appreciate 
the creativity of your reporter, Daniel 

Radosh. How else would he be able to 
misconstrue the intentions and char: 
ter of so many programs that are mak- 
ing a profound difference in the lives of 
students around the world? 

What writers like Radosh and Camille 
Hahn of Ms., who also attended un- 
dercover, do not understand is that 
the majority of American parents do 
not want their children to be adept at 
rolling condoms onto market-fresh 
produce. Many contraception educa- 
tion programs around the country al- 
ready have condom races. What's next? 
Trophies for speed? Parents under 
stand that telling kids that sex during 
adolescence can be perfectly safe and 
casual can be a death ticket. While 
Radosh and others mock the severity 
of those words, they are true and are 
spoken by the Centers for Disease Con- 
trol regarding HPV, a dangerous STD 


that can lead to a host of problems, 
including cervical cancer. It is only right 
that kids be taught the truth: Sex is best 
in marriag 

1 am unsure what readers of your fine 
magazine believe about relationships. 
We know that Radosh's idea of a good 
time is to watch women involved with 
each other on a television screen. How 
intimate and fulfilling. Still, research 
conclusively proves that sex is best in 
marriage, where a relationship provides 
context and meaning for the enjoy- 
able physical and emotional encounter. 
Should kids not be taught what history 
and science have proven? 

If they are equipped to succeed, em- 
powered teens can and do choose absti- 
nence. It's not a fear-based decision; it's 
future-thinking. You are welcome to 
send a reporter to this year's conference, 
"Lights, Camera, No Action," which will 
be held August 4 to 6 in Hollywood. Thi 
time, please have him introduce himself. 

Leslee Unruh 
Abstinence Clearinghouse 
Sioux Falls, South Dakota 


KINSEY REVISITED 
The attempt to discredit Alfred Kin- 
sey is actually an attempt to discredit all 
scientific research on sexual behavior 
and sex education ("Last of the Kinsey 
Haters," March). With the support of 


Kinsey: His research opened many eyes. 


those who value scientific and intellec- 
tual inquiry we will continue to work 
toward understanding the complexities 
of sexual behavior. 

Jennifer Bass 

Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, 
nder and Reproduction 
Indiana University 
Bloomington, Indiana 


E-mail: forum@playboy.com. Or write: 730 
Fifth Avenue, New York, New York 10019. 


bes 


Bumper Backlash 

See something that offends you? Be a good 
American—call the cops. In Denver a man 
who took offense to a sticker on Shasta 
Bates's car—the one that reads FUCK BUSH— 
flagged down a patrolman, who told Bates to 
remove the sticker or face arrest. But the city 
attorney says there is no local law against 
profane stickers, and the department is inves- 
tigating the officer. In nearby Westminster an. 
elderly couple stopped an officer to complain 
that a driver had written FUCK YOUR BUSH with 
his finger on his dirt-coated SUV. The cop 
cited him for disorderly conduct, but the city 
prosecutor dropped the case when he couldn't 
locate the couple. In Clovis, New Mexico а 
detective told a man to remove stickers from 
his car showing she-devils (left) drawn by the 
artist Coop. Otherwise, the cop said, he'd be 
arrested for distributing sexual materials to a 
minor, specifically the officer's son, who first 
noticed the decals. A judge tossed the case. 


Let's Get Physical 

GUANTÁNAMO BAY—A former Army translator at the 
U.S. prison camp says female interrogators he 
worked with tried to break Muslim detainees 
with sex appeal. Erik Saar, co-author of /nside 
the Wire, says one civilian contractor wore only 
a miniskirt, thong and bra during interrogations 
of fundamentalist Muslims who consider contact 
with women other than their wives to be taboo. 
Another interrogator removed her uniform top to 
reveal a skintight one, then began touching her 
breasts, rubbing them against the prisoner’s 
back and commenting on a bulge in his pants. 
When he responded by spitting on her, the inter- 
rogator wiped red dye on his face that she said 
was menstrual blood and turned off the water in 
the cell so he would remain “unclean” and be un- 
able to pray. The detainee, Saar recalled, began 
to “cry like a baby.” Saar says such tactics, which 
led to reprimands, concerned him because they 
could create the impression that the U.S. is fight- 
ing a religious, rather than military, war. 


Gut Reactions 

ATLANTA—In a series of studies dating to the Clin- 
ton years, researchers at Emory University found 
they could predict a person's opinion on hot 
political topics 80 percent of the time based 
solely on his or her views of the current admin- 
istration, the СОР, the military and human rights 
groups. Overall, the study found, only 15 per- 
cent of respondents formed their views based 
primarily on facts. "In high-stakes, emotionally 
charged political situations people respond to 
ambiguity not by consulting the data but by con- 
sulting their prejudices," says psychology profes- 


sor Drew Westen. "In this sense every act of cog- 
nition is simultaneously an act of emotional 
regulation." Westen next plans to examine how 
these biases influence jury decisions. 


Keepers Gone Wild 


E, CALIFORNIA—Two former employees of a 
simian-study center say its chief trainer asked 
them to lift their shirts to bond with a gorilla be- 
cause the animal has a "nipple fetish" and had 
asked in sign language to see their breasts. The 
women refused, comparing the request to an act 
of bestiality. Later 
they sued, claiming 
sex discrimination. 
The trainer, Penny 
Patterson, allegedly 
told the celebrated 
gorilla, "Koko, you 
see my nipples all 
the time. You need 
to see new nipples." 
^w The foundation de- 
1 nies the allegations, 
but the women's lawyer says “there's a history 
with this nipple thing,” pointing to a 1998 online 
chat in which the gorilla supposedly signed the 
word repeatedly. A third woman who agreed to 
show Koko her breasts also sued. 


Pot Priorities 

Lonpon—In the first year after the British gov- 
ernment downgraded marijuana to a class C 
drug, arrests for possession fell by 36 percent, 
saving up to 199,000 police hours without any 
rise in consumption among young people. 


MARGINALIA 


(continued from page 65) 


and Timothy condemn abuses associ- 
ated with homogenital activity in the 
first century: exploitation and lust. So 
the Bible takes no stand on the morality 
of gay relationships. In fact, it seems 
deliberately unconcerned about them. 
Understood in context, these passages 
make it clear only that abusive sex of 
any kind must be avoided.” 


FROM ADVICE in The Idaho States- 
man about how to best photograph a 
deer: “Take photos immediately after 
the animal is dead. A photo of the ani- 
mal in the field almost 

always looks better than one MR) 

at camp or in the back of 

a vehicle. Make the 

animal look as natural 

as possible. Wipe 
away blood, and 
tuck in the tongue. 
Position the ani- 
mal's body soit 2 
looks like it Is d 
lying down, not | dh 
tipped over dead. 

For a head shot, fill the whole frame 
with the heads of the person and the 
animal. You want to capture the 
hunter's big grin and the gleam in his 
eyes. Don't be afraid to move the ani- 
mal into a more scenic spot, such as a 
ridgeline or an opening in the forest. 
You want to capture the beauty of the. 
animal and the place it lives." 


FROM A SPEECH by Supreme 
Court Justice Anthony Kennedy to the 
American Bar Association: "I can ac- 
сері neither the necessity nor the wis- 
dom of mandatory minimum sentences, 
Consider this case: A young man with 
по previous serious offense is stopped 
by Park Police for not wearing a seat 
belt. A search leads to the discovery of 
Just over five grams of crack cocaine. 
He faces five years. If he had taken an 
exit and left the federal road, his sen- 
tence likely would have been measured 
in months. Few misconceptions about 
government are more mischievous than 
the idea that a policy is sound simply 
because a court finds it permissible. 

A court decision does not excuse the 
political branches or the public from. 
the responsibility for unjust laws.” 


FROM THE BOOK The Politics of 
Lust, by John Ince: “Repeated expo- 
sure to porn can prompt erotic condi- 
tioning. This occurs when a person is 
repeatedly aroused while exposed to 
the same neutral stimuli, such as a 
yellow raincoat, high heels, lingerie, 
blonde hair or slim waistlines. The 
culprit here is not porn but its range. 
When most baby boomers were mas- 
turbating teens, the scope of porn was 
limited. The greater the diversity of 
porn in terms of the age, race, physical 
characteristics and personality of the 
actors, the less likely that such material 
will affect the sexuality of those 
who use it. As long as children 
are exposed to a range of 
imagery, and as long as it. 
depicts healthy, ethical 
sexual behavior, 
they can avoid 
a narrowing 
effect." 


FORUM 


THE MAN WHO WOULD BE PRESIDENT* 


IN THE EVENT THE TOP DOG CAN'T SERVE, CONGRESS HAS A 
PLAN TO KEEP THE COUNTRY RUNNING. WHO'S ON DECK FOR THE JOB? 


land Security, he just got in line to become commander capacitated, dies or resigns, the first U.S.-born official on 
in chief. The Presidential Succession Act of 1947 estab- the list who is alive and well serves until the next natio: 
lished the order, with Cabinet members arranged by the date election. In these uncertain times, it's good to have backup. 


N ot only is Michael Chertoff the new head of Home their agencies were created. If the president becomes in- 


PRESIDENT BUSH PRESIDENT CHENEY PRESIDENT HASTERT PRESIDENT STEVENS 
Currentlyintop spot Former vice president Former House speaker Former Senate pro tem 


E | E E 


PRESIDENT RICE PRESIDENT SNOW PRESIDENT CHERTOFF Former head of PRESIDENT RUMSFELD PRESIDENT GONZALES 


Former sec. of state Former Treasury head Homeland Security. "Never expected this." Former defense sec. Former attorney general 


PRESIDENT NORTON PRESIDENT JOHANNS CARLOS GUTIERREZ ELAINE CHAO PRESIDENT LEAVITT 
Former interior secretary Former agriculture secretary Commerce; born in Cuba Labor; born in Taiwan Former HHS secretary 


PRESIDENT JACKSON PRESIDENT MINETA PRESIDENT BODMAN PRESIDENT SPELLINGS PRESIDENT NICHOLSON 
Former secretary of housing Former transportation sec. Former secretary of energy Former education secretary Former veterans affairs sec. 


* 


if a plane went down with the president, VP, congressional leaders and every other U.S.-born Cabinet member 


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PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: LANCE ARMSTRONG 


A candid conversation with one of the world's greatest athletes about those 


drug rumor: 


» the 40 million yellow bracelets and his life with Sheryl Crow 


The most dominant athlete on earth has sur- 
vived a mess of bike-race crashes, the kind that 
have killed a few racers. Half a dozen times he 
has collided with a car and escaped with 
scratches—except for the time he broke his 
neck. And then there was the cancer in his 
testicle, his lungs and his brain. Lance Arm- 
strong survived that, too, and went on to win 
the 1999 Tour de France, the first of his record 
six straight victories in cycling's Super Bowl. 
It’s an oft-told story but worth recapping: In 
1996 Armstrong's right testicle ached and 
swelled. He coughed blood. Tests showed can- 
cer had spread throughout his 25-year-old 
body. After the testicle was removed he had 
brain surgery, then months of chemo so aggres- 
sive he got burns on his skin—from the inside. 
His racing team dumped him. He nearly quit 
cycling but then rebuilt his body and career 
His 1999 Tour de France—he was the second 
American ever to win—was hailed as а once- 
in-a-millennium Cinderella story, a heart- 
warming fluke. Then the cussedly fierce Texan, 
who is slightly more intense than nuclear 
fusion, reeled off five more Tours in a row, a 
feat that may never be matched. 
одау Armstrong, 33, is one of the two or 
three top jocks in the world, known and 
admired by millions, if not billions. He is 
also reviled by a vocal minority who call him 
a dope-abusing slimeball. Never mind that 
he has taken hundreds of drug tests and 


"All I can say is thank God we're tested. 
When baseball players were charged with using 
steroids, what was their defense? Nothing. 
Whereas my defense is hundreds of drug 
controls, at races and everyuhere else." 


passed every one. His critics’ reasoning goes 
like this: Cycling is famous for blood-doping 
scandals, and Armstrong rules cycling, so how 
could he be clean? His answer: "Test me!" It's 
hard to imagine any athlete who has given 
more pee and blood to prove his innocence. 
In fact, he invites the U.S. Anti-Doping 
Agency to test him 24/365. On the day we 
met him at the Hollywood Hills home of his 
girlfriend, rocker Sheryl Crow, he had given 
the USADA Crou's address in case the testers 
wanted to drop by. 

Next month Armstrong goes for his sev- 
enth straight Tour de France win. The race 
is the most grueling challenge in sports: more 
than 2,000 miles over almost a month at 
speeds up to 70 miles an hour, up and down 
mountains in all weather. But he expects to 
win. Armstrong is coming off an epic year— 
his yellow LiveStrong bracelets are on wrists 
all over the world, and he bounced from a 
recent divorce into Crow's shapely arms. Bet- 
ting against him is a loser's move. 

We sent Kevin Cook to meet Armstrong. “I 
was impressed,” says Cook, “and not just by 
Crow’s imposing house and grounds. Arm- 
strong is impressive: smart, funny and tastily 
profane. He oozes confidence without conceit. 
It’s more like courage. He and Crow are clearly 
more than an item—they're a couple. They are 
renovating her house together, very much like 
husband and wife. Crow said hey and chatted 


"What's really scary is crashing. I look straight 
ahead, just waiting for some kook in front of 
me to crash. The race goes on, and you add 
rain or cobblestones. Last year on the cobbles 
Twas so scared I felt like a child, just terrified.” 


a minute when I arrived. She and her beau 
may be famous, but they see themselves as a 
Missouri girl and a Texan who just happen to 
be hanging in this Hollywood Hills palace. 
“Armstrong and I talked while his masseur 
worked on his legs—female readers should 
know Lance was bottomless under a towel— 
and then poolside, overlooking L.A. as the 
nt down over Santa Monica Boulevard.” 


sun 


PLAYBOY: Were the LiveStrong bracelets 


your idea? 


ARMSTRONG: All my idea. No, I'm kid- 
ding—I had nothing to do with them. It 
was Nike. They'd made millions of rub- 
ber bracelets in different colors for bas 
ketball players and called them "ballers. 
So I'm sitting around one day, and som 
one says, "Let's take a baller, color it 
yellow and put Lance's LiveStrong on 
there." Kind of ironic, a balle 
PLAYBOY: After your testicle was removed, 
your buddy Robin Williams called you 
the Uniballer 
ARMSTRONG: They said, "We'll sell them 
for a dollar and donate the proceeds to 
the Lance Armstrong Foundation 
thought they were crazy. When they said 
Nike would ma million of them, I'm 
thinking, Right, sure. But they did, and 
they made a million-dollar donation, too. 
PLAYBOY: When did you know those 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY MIZUNO 

“I don't live with Sheryl Crow, rock star. I 
live with Sheryl Crow from Kennett, Missou: 
who still talks to her mother and father every 
day. She's not out getting trashed every night 
like some people in her profession." 


71 


P ET EN ВО У 


72 


bracelets were taking over the world? 
ARMSTRONG: Sheryl took one on the Today 
show—she was the first to do media with 
one. Then I went to Europe, and the 
Tour hit. You saw a lot of them then 
because they were sold as part of our 
Tour caravan. But it was at the Olympic: 
when I thought, This thing is going off. 
Athletes from all countries and all sports 
were wearing them. Justin Gatlin won 
the 100-meter das h one on. Then 
Morocco's Hicham El Guerrouj won the 
1,500 with his on. Here's the greatest 
middle-distance runner of all time, a 
Muslim who had never won Olympic 
gold. He crosses the finish line, goes 
down on the ground, praying to Allah, 
and all you see is this yellow band. Oh my 
God, that might be the coolest 
thing I've ever seen. 

PLAYBOY: Tens of millions of 
people wore the bracelets. Did 
all that support offset the criti- 
cism from people who say you 
must be ? 
ARMSTRONG: Yeah. There 
stories saying, "He's doped" or 
“What he does is not possi- 
ble." There's a disgruntled ex- 
employee saying she found 
kryptonite or something. 
PLAYBOY: You mean the allega- 
tions in L.A. Confidential, a book 
published in France that, with 
no evidence, calls you a blood 
doper. 

ARMSTRONG: Yeah. That's out 
there. But there are also 40 
million yellow bands in the 
world. That outweighs the 
negative publicity. As far as the 
negative stuff goes, all I can 
say is thank God we're tested. 
When baseball players were 
charged with using steroids, 
what was their defense? Noth- 
ing. Saying "It's not true." 
Whereas my defense is hun- 
dreds of drug controls, at races 
and everywhere else. The 
testers could roll up here right 
this minute. They knocked on 
my door in Austin last week. In 
a way it's the ultimate in Big 
Brother, having to declare where you 
are 365 days a year so they can find 
you and test you. But those tests are 
my best defense. 

PLAYBOY: What are you expecting at this 
year's Tour de Franc 
ARMSTRONG: The course is different. 
There will be fewer uphill finishes and 
fewer time trials. Those are the two w. 
you win. If you ask, "How did Lance win 
six Tours?" the answer is “Не put time on 
еш in the mountains, and he put time on 
'em in the trials." So if those get reduced, 
it's not working for me. 

PLAYBOY: Are Tour organizers trying to 
Lance-proof the course to give other 
guys a better chance? 

ARMSTRONG: Doesn't matter. The three 


uphill finishes we'll have are super- 
demanding. The final time trial is really 
hard. So there's no excuse for not win- 
ning. I can't roll into Paris and say the 
course was too easy. ГЇЇ have my oppor- 
tunities to kick ass. 

PLAYBOY: But it'll be tougher this year? 
ARMSTRONG: Only in the sense that I'm 
getting older. Gray hair, aches and pains. 
PLAYBOY: Who's your prime competition? 
ARMSTRON: me old, same old. Jan ІЛІ- 
rich, of course. Ivan Basso will be good. 
PLAYBOY: Ullrich has finished second five 
times. He's Joe Frazier to your Ali. 
ARMSTRONG: His T-Mobile team is strong. 
Ullrich, Andréas Klóden and Alexander 
Vinokourov—those three on one team 
are a force. But if you look at our Dis- 


safe to say there's 


very 


x going on during the 


any. 


covery Channel team, with me, José Aze- 
vedo and Yaroslav Popovych, we have a 
triple threat too. 

PLAYBOY: How much significance would 
seven wins have? 
ARMSTRONG: None. 
PLAYBOY: You're grinning. But six was the 
record breaker. Nobody had won more 
than five Tours, not even the great Eddy 
Merckx or Miguel Indurain. 
ARMSTRONG: Six was huge. I tried to 
downplay it publicly, but it was heavy. 
. I got superstitious and 
wouldn't talk about it. There's something 
about that record—so much can happen. 
А crazy spectator could run out and 
punch you. 

PLAYBOY: That's what happened to Merckx 


in 1975, when he was going for his sixth. 
ARMSTRONG: Exactly. Thank God we live 
in a time when every second is filmed 
and photographed. At least nobody 
thinks he could get away with doing that. 
PLAYBOY: Merckx would have won six if 
not for that sucker punch. But he didn't 
win the next year, in 1976. If you win 
your seventh, you'll top even the six he 
deserved to have. 
ARMSTRONG: Right. Be: air to say 
he would have won six. It's fair to s; 
he was the greatest of all time, not me. 
PLAYBOY: Americans know the Tour de 
France, but we don't follow other races. 
You're also in the Tour de Flanders. 
ARMSTRONG: Yeah. There will be a million 
Flemish people on the side of the road. 
PLAYBOY: Do we overemphasize 
the Tour de France? 
ARMSTRONG: The sport does. 
They've done an amazing job 
building that franchise into a 
500-pound gorilla leveraged 
with global TV and global spon- 
sorships. It's the one race the 
riders have no say on. For other 
aces we can dictate how long 
the time trials will be or how пісе 
the hotels are. With the Tour 
they say, "If you don't like it, 
screw you." 
PLAYBOY: If you win another Tour 
or three, will you retire, sit around 
on the couch and get fat? 
ARMSTRONG: I'll be a fitness 
junkie forever, not out of shape 
like some guys. But I'm not 
aming names...achoo-lemond! 
PLAYBOY: During that sneeze one 
side of your mouth mentioned 
reg LeMond, your boyhood 
hero, who won three Tours but 
now rips you. He suspects you're 
a doper. What's your relation- 
ship with LeMond? 
ARMSTRONG: None. What he did 
1989 and 1990 was phenom- 
enal. But Greg's not even worth 
talking about today. And I don't 
need to hear from him—he'd 
only shove his foot farther down 
his mouth 
PLAYBOY: Why are great athletes 
motivated by grudges? Tiger Woods 
never forgets a slight. Michael Jordan 
carried a grudge against Sports Illustrated. 
over a cover line—BAG IT, MICHAEL—that 
suggested he should quit playing ba 
ball. He wouldn't talk to that magazine 
even after a later cover line read DON'T 
BAG IT, MICHAE 
ARMSTRONG: It's good that somebody's 
got SI by the balls. 
PLAYBOY: You're like that too, aren't уо! 
Twelve million people say, “What a grand 
performance," but then one guy—— 
ARMSTRONG: Yeah, one prick say 
not so hot," and that's fuel. That's moti- 
vation. Whenever I come across that stuff 
I hit save and store it on the hard drive. 
PLAYBOY: Were you always that way? 


ARMSTRONG: No. Not at 10, 20 or even 25. 
Through my illness I learned rejection. 
I was written off. That was the moment I 
thought, Okay, game on. No prisoners. 
Everybody's going down. 

PLAYBOY: In one of the worst corporate 
moves ever, your sponsor, the French 
company Cofidis, dropped you when you 
were sick. 

ARMSTRONG: And they'd been there when 
I announced the diagnosis. They said, 
"We're going to stand by Lance, support 
him, nurse him back to health and see to 
it that he wins the Tour de France." So 
you take those words literally. You say, 
“That’s great—I've got support." And 
then—boom. 

PLAYBOY: Later, after you won a stage on 
your way to a Tour title, you cruised 
past the Cofidis team’s director and 
said something. 

ARMSTRONG: I said, “That was for you.” 
PLAYBOY: How has Cofidis been doing 
since then? 

ARMSTRONG: [Smiling] They haven't 
done much. 

PLAYBOY: Would you have won six Tours 
if you hadn't gotten cancer? 
ARMSTRONG: I would have won zero. 
PLAYBOY: You've beaten all the other guys, 
but what would happen if the 1999 
Lance Armstrong rode against you? Who 
would win? 

ARMSTRONG: If I’m in race shape, I think 
today's Lance wins. More experience, 
better tactics, more calmness in the race. 
And a team that's 10 times stronger. 
PLAYBOY: It's a team sport. There are time 
trials in which the whole team's time 
counts, not just yours. And in the racing 
pack, the peloton, your teammates pro- 
tect and pace you, often riding just ahead 
зо you can draft behind them. 
ARMSTRONG: Our 1999 team was the Bad 
News Bears, but in 2004 we were stacked, 
just unbeatable. 

PLAYBOY: Do you have a favorite Tour 
de France? 

ARMSTRONG: My most aggressive race was 
in 2001. That was the one I wanted most, 
and it was probably the most fun. The 
fake-out on Alpe d'Huez—— 

PLAYBOY: You faked exhaustion. Ullrich 
and his Deutsche Telekom team thought 
you were toast and zipped ahead. One 
reporter said they were “hammering like 
the hounds of hell.” Then you took off. 
ARMSTRONG: And made up two minutes 
on Ullrich. That was my best day on the 
bike, hands down. 

PLAYBOY: But now you're less aggressive, 
more methodical. 

ARMSTRONG: More selective. Last year, for 
example, I couldn't get rid of Basso on. 
the climbs. But we had an individual time 
trial ahead, and I knew he'd give back 
time there. 

PLAYBOY: He's better at climbs than 
sprints. And you're more patient than the 
Armstrong of 1999. 

ARMSTRONG: The riskiest thing you can 
do is get greedy. You learn that your tank 


Lance by the Numbers 


Tour de France victories 6 
Most Tours won by anyone else 5 
Americans who won Tour de France before Armstrong (Greg LeMond in 1986, 1989, 1990) 1 
Annual income $16 million 
LiveStrong bracelets sold for $1 each more than 40 million 
LiveStrong bracelets bought by Nike 8 million 
Top price on eBay of a LiveStrong bracelet autographed by Armstrong $40 
Employees of Lance Armstrong Foundation 4s 
Testicles (making him “more aerodynamic,” according to Armstrong's friend Robin Williams) 1 
Tumors in body in 1996 12 
Chance of survival in 1996, optimistic estimate 75% 
Chance of survival in 1996, private estimate by his oncologist 3% 
Drug tests taken (career) 300 (approximately) 
Positive drug tests о 
Times hit by cars (career) 6 
Typical training session 5-6 hours, 100-130 miles 
Finish in first pro event, 1992 San Sebastian Classic 111th 
Riders who finished 1992 San Sebastian Classic 111 
Grammys won by girlfriend Sheryl Crow 9 
Famous boyfriends of Sheryl Crow (Eric Clapton, Kid Rock, Owen Wilson, Armstrong). 4 
Distance of 2004 Tour de France. 2,106 miles 
Typical speed during Tour descent 60-70 mph 
Fatalities іп modern-day Tour de France (Fabio Casartelli, who hit a brick wall in 1995) 1 
Pounds Armstrong lost after chemotherapy 18 
Weight of bike 16-17 pounds 
Retail price of bike $5,169 
Number of bikes Armstrong owns 12 
Time to fix a flat tire during a race. 9 seconds 
Distance between Armstrong's bike and a competitor's if he is drafting (“wheel sucking") 6 inches 
Energy saved by a wheel sucker 40% 
Daily miles fifth-grader Lance ran after school 6 
Top speed fast-driver Lance has hit while driving a van 100 mph 
Armstrong's resting heart rate 32 
Average heart rate during a race 125 
Average heart rate during a time trial 190 
Pedal rpm during a time trial. 100 
V0; max* 84 
Average male VO, max 40 
Pedal strokes by Armstrong in 2004 Tour about 465,000 
Heartbeats during the race 2.1 million 
Daily calorie intake during training 6,000 
Body fat during race season 5-6% 
Body fat during off-season 10-11% 
Calories burned during 3 hours of racing 3,150 
Calories expended during the race 132,000 
Number of Big Macs represented by 132,000 calories 236 


*Maximum amount of oxygen (in milliliters) lungs retain during a minute of exercise per kilogram of body weight— 
‘a measure of physical efficiency 


73 


PLAY B OY, 


74 


is only so big, and if you just keep burn- 
ing you'll run out of fuel. In 2000 I 
cracked and lost a lot of time, could have 
lost the Tour. I'm more respectful of that 
possibility now. Over time you develop a 
feel for when you're going into the red. 
"There are times you have to do that, but 
not always. What's best is when you're 
going faster than anybody else but you're 
not killing yourself, not subtracting 
from what you can do the next day. Like 
last year—not once was I ever totally in 
the red zone. 

PLAYBOY: It sounds like you're ready to 
win again. 

ARMSTRONG: It's hard to know in advance. 
In 2003 it was all red, all suffering. 
PLAYBOY: You've said you like suffering. 
ARMSTRONG: There are different kinds. 
There's the kind you get when your tank 
is empty and you look up and see 100 
guys in front of you. That's devastating. 
"That's just rusty pain. But when you're 
hurting and you hear on the radio that 
you've got 10 seconds on your biggest 
rival, and now it's 20 seconds, or in 2001 
two minutes on Ullrich—that's a true 
sporting high. You're numb to pain. You 
can't feel the lactate in your muscles, and 
you just go faster and faster, which is not 
what I felt today. 

PLAYBOY: You had a training run, Holly- 
wood to Pasadena. 

ARMSTRONG: I'm not in shape yet. І go 
out to suffer—my pain threshold is low 
and my body weight is high, which makes 
for a nasty mix of suffering and heavi- 
ness. And I know how it feels to ride fast. 
"Today is one of those "Damn, why do I 
do this?" days. 

PLAYBOY: The leader in the Tour gets a 
yellow jersey. What happens to the jersey 
after you ride? Do you wash it? 
ARMSTRONG: You get a new one every day, 
but I like to keep wearing the first one. It 
feels better once you break it in, like a 
favorite old T-shirt you've worn a thou- 
sand times. On the last day I'll take it off 
and save it. All six of my last-day jerseys 
are up on my wall. If they weren't glassed 
in, they'd be stinky. 

PLAYBOY: Can you ask for extras? 
ARMSTRONG: Yep. They know you'll give 
a few away. Maybe I shouldn't say, but 
I've got about 400 of them. 

PLAYBOY: There's an interesting etiquette 
in pro cycling. The whole peloton slows 
down and waits if a rider stops to pee. 
And when you were struggling in 2000, 
two riders from the Vini Caldirola team 
let you draft off them. Weren't they hurt- 
ing their own chances? 

ARMSTRONG: Their team wasn't going to 
win, so they had no real skin in the game. 
They just had a certain respect and 
empathy for me. That's part of our sport. 
It happens in NASCAR, mostly between 
teammates. Who's to say it doesn't hap- 
pen in the NFL? Every year there's some 
goofy scenario—some bullshit team try- 
ing to get a wild card beats a team that 


has a spot in the playoffs locked up. 
PLAYBOY: Is cycling etiquette dying? Tour 
stars often let lesser guys win stages if. 
they're no threat in the overall standings, 
but last year you went all out. Your 
approach was pas de cadeaux, no gifts. 
ARMSTRONG: Last year was unique. The 
run-up to the Tour was stressful. Га been 
written off 30 different times, my obitu- 
ary written every day. That just built ир 
in the hard drive until I was thinking, АП 
right, dudes, let's go! 

PLAYBOY: Grudges again. 

ARMSTRONG: I was excited. And there 
were so many sprint finishes. For me a 
four- or five-man sprint finish is just too 
intense to pass up. 

PLAYBOY: Let's talk about crashing. On 
one training ride in France you zoomed 
into a blind corner and hit a truck com- 
ing the other way. 

ARMSTRONG: Hit it head-on. The bike 
split in three pieces. My helmet just 
melted. And the driver got belligerent. 
French guy. He was mad that I'd bent his 
little piece-of-junk truck, and I'm lying 
there with a cracked C7 vertebra, a bro- 
ken neck. What's really scary is crashing 


If you’re in the middle of 50 
guys, they don't care who 
you are. They don't care if 
youve won the Tour six times. 
Everybody's desperate. We're 
all killers to some degree. 


in a race. The first week of the Tour is the 
worst. You've got 200 guys who want to 
be at the front, and it's aggressive and 
gnarly and windy. I look straight ahead, 
just waiting for some kook in front of me 
to crash. Then the race goes on, and you 
add rain or cobblestones. Last year on the 
cobbles I was so scared І felt like a child, 
just terrified. 

PLAYBOY: People think you're immune 
to fear. 

ARMSTRONG: Two things scare me. The 
first is getting hurt. But that's not nearly 
as scary as the second, which is losing. If 
you're caught behind a crash in a windy 
section with 50 guys in a pile in front of 
you—game over. 

PLAYBOY: Don't they give you some lee- 
way? You're a six-time champ. 
ARMSTRONG: If you're in the middle of 50 
guys, they don't care who you are. They 
don't care if you've won the Tour once or 
six times. Everybody's desperate. We're 
all killers to some degree. It's easy to get 
quacked—that’s what we call it when a 
guy comes into you without looking. 
PLAYBOY: Worse than getting quacked is 
getting flicked. 

ARMSTRONG: That's when it's intentional. 


Direct from the German flicken. It means 
you got fucked. 

PLAYBOY: The sport is more colorful than 
people think. When French fans booed 
and whistled at you and your U.S. Postal 
teammates, you responded by booing 
each other. You had team jingles, too— 
chants you'd repeat before a stage, like 
"Somebody's going to be my bitch today, 
bitch today, bitch today." 

ARMSTRONG: There's less of that now 
that our team has gotten more and 
more international. 

PLAYBOY: That would be hard to put 
into Esperanto. 

ARMSTRONG: Yes, it's tough to tell a Por- 
tuguese guy what you mean by "Who's 
going to be my bitch today?" I might 
have only one other American with me 
this year, George Hincapie. I'll have to 
talk smack with George. 

PLAYBOY: You're even more famous in 
Europe than you are here. Do you like 
being a celebrity? 

ARMSTRONG: Celebrity and fame, those 
words make me uncomfortable. Some 
athletes are addicted to fame, but that's 
not what gets me off. 

PLAYBOY: Aren't you courting it by being 
with Crow? 

ARMSTRONG: She's no stranger to the 
public eye. But I don't live with Sheryl 
Crow, rock star. Okay, she lives in Los 
Angeles, and she's arguably the queen 
of rock and roll. But I live with Sheryl 
Crow from Kennett, Missouri, who still 
talks to her mother and father every day, 
a girl who's funny, likable, smart and ath- 
letic. She's not out getting trashed every 
night like some people in her profession. 
PLAYBOY: You're also buddies with Bono 
of U? and Lyle Lovett. Whose music is 
better, Crow's or theirs? 

ARMSTRONG: Ha. It's different. I will say I 
like her music, and I'm not saying that 
Just because she pays me to. 

PLAYBOY: You and she kissed after you 
won a Tour stage last year. One reporter 
described it as "fiery, impetuous and 
nearly unending." Was that your best 
career kiss? 

ARMSTRONG: I don't remember that one. 
We have а lot of long, juicy kisses. Kiss- 
ing's good for relationships. 

PLAYBOY: Are you two very much alike, or 
are you opposites? 

ARMSTRONG: Similar. We're type A people 
who can't sit still. Sheryl couldn't sit here 
and talk to you for an hour. She'd be 
shaking her foot the whole time. Some- 
times ГЇЇ be talking to her and say, “Calm 
it with the foot!" 
PLAYBOY: What was the first thing you and 
she said to each other? 

ARMSTRONG: We talked about trading gui- 
tar lessons for bike-riding lessons. But 
to be honest, I wasn't much concerned 
about the guitar lessons. 

PLAYBOY: Lovett married and broke up 
with Julia Roberts. Did he give you any 
advice on celebrity romance? 
ARMSTRONG: Lyle's about as down-home 


as they get. He still lives on the ranch he 
grew up on, and he's trying to recon- 
struct it. He never left Texas. He did 
spend time in L.A. and New York with 
Julia, but I think that was tough on him. 
о some degree it's like that for me. I 
miss Austin. I miss my three kids, who 
live there with their mother. 

PLAYBOY: You have a cat named 
Chemo—— 

ARMSTRONG: Not anymore. I lost the cat 
in the divorce. What's up with that? It 
was my cat! 

PLAYBOY: Do you still have a house just 
a couple doors down from Kristin, 
your ex? 

ARMSTRONG: No, that wasn't a good 
thing. Too close. I'm building a ne 
house about a mile away. I’m trying to 
spend more time in Austin, and that'll 
happen soon enough. When cycling is 
over, my main commitments will be to 
my kids and to Sheryl. I’m still learning 
how to live in a relationship. I wasn't suc- 
cessful the first time. 

PLAYBOY: Crow took you to the Grammys 
last winter. Melissa Etheridge was there— 
she'd lost her hair after chemo for breast 
cancer. Did you talk to her about that? 
ARMSTRONG: We sat together in the front 
done with treatments now. 
She's in that phase when you wait to se 
what the next scans show, what the next 
als. Melissa looked 
s mighty coura- 


geous, rolling out with no hair, per- 
forming onstage and just killing. I was 
nearly crying. 

PLAYBOY: Not too many bike racers get 
front-row seats at the Grammys. 
ARMSTRONG: Someone behind me yelled 
"Lance, Lance!" I turn around and it's 
James Brown, and the Godfather of Soul 
has a yellow band around his wrist. That 
was wild. It's a three-hour show, and I 
was dying, just jonesing for a cold beer, 
when this lady walks out and hands me 
one. In the whole Staples Center, I'm the 
only one with a beer. Sheryl says, "Who 
gave you that?" Then Melissa sings, 
comes back and says, "Did you get your 


beer?" She'd heard me groaning, "God, 
I need a beer," so she had someone find 
me one. Sweet lady. 


PLAYBOY: When you were sick you got 
involved in every medical decision. Now 
you tell other patients to be the same way. 
ARMSTRONG: You've got to ask questions, 
get second and third opinions. That can 
be tricky because people feel loyal to 
their doctors. A cancer diagnosis is dev- 
astating news, and they develop a bond 
with the doctor who tells them. But 
you've got to act in your own interest. Do 
some politicking, not just with doctors 
but with nurses, administrators, the hos- 
pital pharmacist. Tell the pharmacist, 
"Dude, give me the good batch, the fresh 
stuff." Ask the nurse how she's doing: 
“How'd you sleep last night? Did you 


have a good breakfz Oh, and make 
sure my dose is right." I was highly 
aware of their importance. That's where 
I learned to build a team. 

PLAYBOY: In the hospital? 

ARMSTRONG: Right. Saying, "Craig and 
Larry, you're my head doctors. LaTrice, 
you're my head nurse." It's critical to 
know the nurses. They're working for 
you 90 percent of the time, while the 
doctors are there 10 percent of the time. 
PLAYBOY: It's been more than eight years 
since your diagnosis. The chemo dam- 
aged your kidneys, didn't it? 
ARMSTRONG: Some. I was on 24-hour 
hydration because they changed the drug 
protocols at the last minute. The first one 
I'd been on was tougher on the lungs. If 
I was ever going to race again, I needed 
something different. Now I'm supposedly 
in the clear. I still get nervous about 
relapsing, but everything seems normal 
PLAYBOY: Any other lasting effects? 
ARMSTRONG: Sterility. 

PLAYBOY: Is that permanent? 
ARMSTRONG: It's about 50-50. I might get 
it back. 

PLAYBOY: What if you and Crow want to 
have a child? 

ARMSTRONG: That's possible. We've talked. 
about it 

PLAYBOY: You had a sperm sample fro- 
zen 1996. Does it have a particular 
shelf life? 

ARMSTRONG: It's tougher to use sperm 


Darzka." Product ol Denmark. Darka. Cranberyras, Denzka lego ала Папска botte d 
‘©2005 VES Vin & Sort AB. Imported by Absolut Speis © 


DANZKA VODKA. BOTTLE CHILLS FASTER. FLAVORS CHILL SMOOTHER. 


MADE TO CHILL 
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PLAYBOY 


that's been frozen for eight years. I don't 
know how many there are in the sample. 
Теп million, maybe. That sounds like а 
lot, but it's not. 

PLAYBOY: Have you been tested lately? 
ARMSTRONG: No. Going to the lab for that 
test is not the most glamorous thing in 
the world. Going into that little room in 
1996, that was no fun. And I'd just had 
surgery to remove the bad testicle. That's 
a big cut—I could barely walk. 

PLAYBOY: You had the testicle cut out 
before donating the sperm? 
ARMSTRONG: Two days before. Painful? 
Dude, it was terrible. But I had to do it if 
I was ever going to have kids. 

PLAYBOY: How did you get in the mood 
to...donate? 

ARMSTRONG: No choice. I didn't have a 
wife yet or anybody to have kids with. 
Sure, it was awful, but now I have three 
healthy little miracle children. I'm glad I 
limped down to that lab in San Antonio. 
PLAYBOY: They give a guy some ammo for 
that. Magazines. 

ARMSTRONG: I don't think it was PLAYBOY. 
For that kind of ammo PLAYBOY is sort of 
a slingshot. You can read it. That's why 
we're talking. But there are some shoul- 
der rockets in that field—if PLAYBOY were 
one of those weapons of mass destruc- 
tion, I wouldn't be doing this interview. 
PLAYBOY: After you lose a testicle, does the 
other one stay where it was or does it 
move to the middle? 

ARMSTRONG: It stays. Mine stayed left. 
You also produce less testosterone. The 
one that remains picks up a bit of the 
slack for his buddy who's gone, but not 
all of it. Since 1996 I've had chronically 
low testosterone, and I can't do anything 
about it. 

PLAYBOY: It's a banned substance. You 
couldn't race if you replaced the testos- 
terone you lost. 

ARMSTRONG: I have to wait until I retire. 
It's not a question of being manly or 
being a sexual god, but I worry about 
osteoporosis. Chronically low testos- 
terone leads to brittle bones. 

PLAYBOY: Does it affect your sex drive? 
ARMSTRONG: [Smiling] Not yet. 

PLAYBOY: What do you think of drug test- 
ing in other sports? 

ARMSTRONG: Baseball is the hot topic. 
Look at Jason Giambi and the Yankees. 
Тһеу need to test for steroids. In the 
future I think franchises and sponsors 
are going to hold the athletes responsi- 
ble. If they're not clean, sponsors and 
teams will go after their money—not just 
to stop paying salaries but to get back 
previous payments. And that's serious 
because we all spend our money when we 
get it. If you're a baseball player who tests 
positive and your team wants your salary 
back from last year, can you get it back 
and repay them? 

PLAYBOY: You mentioned Giambi. How 
about Barry Bonds? 

ARMSTRONG: I'm not one of those cynics 


76 who think there are 10 different unde- 


tectable compounds. I'm not going to say 
Barry Bonds has something under the 
table. But then BALCO was all about 
making something undetectable. 
PLAYBOY: Do drug scandals in other sports 
hurt your cause? 

ARMSTRONG: No. My first line of defense 
is that I've been competing for a long 
time, and my body looks the same. I won 
the world championship when I was 21, 
the youngest ever. It's been a steady pro- 
gression from there. The drug spotlight 
has been shining on me since 1999, and 
my performances have not diminished. 
But when that light hits some athletes 
they disappear. 

PLAYBOY: Suddenly the guy goes from 44 
home runs back to 15. 

ARMSTRONG: Or he doesn't run as fast. 
My second line of defense is that while 
some sports haven't had testing, I've been 
tested for years, in and out of competi- 
tion. And third, I've always pushed the 
International Olympic Committee and 
the Tour de France to increase testing. 
What other athlete do you know who has 
donated money to his sport's governing 
body to pay for drug controls? 


Гое been competing for a 
long time, and my body looks 
the same. The drug spotlight 
has been shining on me since 
1999, and my performances 
have not diminished. 


PLAYBOY: How many pro cyclists use 
performance-enhancing drugs? 
ARMSTRONG: I don't know. I like to think 
the sport is cleaner than its reputation. 
The head medical inspector for the Tour 
de France tells our team, "Guys, you're 
so dominant, I'm suspicious too. But I'm 
the one screening the blood and urine 
samples, and they are pure as driven 
snow." If we can do it, why can't every- 
body else? But you'll always find ath- 
letes looking for shortcuts. It's ironic that 
cycling has done more than any other 
endurance sport to test them, and when 
you test you're going to catch some guys. 
But every time you do, some fucker is 
sure to write, "Look how dirty the sport 
is!" That's the risk of testing. 

PLAYBOY: Is your Discovery Channel team. 
the only clean one? 

ARMSTRONG: The whole roster is 28 guys. 
Someone could be at home doing some- 
thing that's not clean, but I don't think 
so. We screen our guys and pick the 
ones with integrity and talent. When 
you've got those two things, you don't 
need to take risks, and cheating would 
be a huge risk. It would jeopardize the 
entire program, our $15 million-a-year 


baby. If one of us gets popped, we all go 
home. Nobody wants that. 
PLAYBOY: How many drug tests have 
you taken? 
ARMSTRONG: Maybe 200 in the past six or 
seven years. Not as many before that 
because I wasn't as successful. Maybe 100. 
So the total is around 300. 
PLAYBOY: For the record, how many of 
those tests were positive? 
ARMSTRONG: Zero. 
PLAYBOY: Do you worry about sabo- 
tage? Could somebody spike your blood 
or urine? 
ARMSTRONG: I worry about that every 
day. They could spike your food or the 
water you drink. 
PLAYBOY: Some cyclists train by sleeping 
in an "altitude tent" with thin air that 
helps thicken the blood. It's a legal way 
to make your blood more efficient. Have 
you got one? 
ARMSTRONG: А tent's not big enough. I've 
got an altitude cubicle. 
PLAYBOY: You sit in there and work on 
а computer? 
ARMSTRONG: No, you sleep in it. We 
sleep in it. We can get Sheryl's whole bed 
in there. 
PLAYBOY: So in a virtual sense you've 
joined the mile-high club. 
ARMSTRONG: Oh, I've joined that club in 
a literal sense. 
PLAYBOY: Boxers avoid sex before a fight. 
But the Tour de France lasts almost a 
month. What happens? 
ARMSTRONG: It's safe to say there's very 
little sex going on during the Tour de 
France, if any. Coaches and team direc- 
tors would prefer you didn't have sex 
all year. 
PLAYBOY: Your coach, Chris Carmichael, 
has said you're not unique as a physi- 
cal specimen but that you're pretty spe- 
cial. Isn't your heart 30 percent bigger 
than normal? 
ARMSTRONG: It's bigger. And my mus- 
cles supposedly produce less lactic acid. 
But you know what's interesting? There's 
а big artery that runs from the middle 
of your body to your lower half, down 
to your legs. I had some scans done, 
and the doctors couldn't believe it: Му 
artery is three times the size of a nor- 
mal person's. 
PLAYBOY: You used to play a lot of golf, 
but then you quit. Why? 
ARMSTRONG: Why? Because I suck. 
PLAYBOY: You alluded earlier to your. 
divorce. Do you see it as a failure in 
your Ше? 
ARMSTRONG: Yes. 
PLAYBOY: The biggest one? 
ARMSTRONG: Yes and no. Our marriage 
and divorce wasn't a total failure, because 
we wanted children, had children and 
love them deeply. Kristin and I aren't 
husband and wife, but we'll always be 
mom and dad, and we work on that. 
PLAYBOY: She's a devout Catholic, and 
you're not religious. You also differ in 
(concluded on page 170) 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Cigarette 
Smoke Contains Carbon Monoxide. 


KHALID SHEIKH MOHAMMED 


у 


Brain 


BY ROHAN GUNARATNA 


AS MASTERMIND OF 9/11 HE WAS AN ORGANIZATIONAL GENIUS WHO OUT- 
SMARTED INTELLIGENCE AGENCIES FOR DECADES. BUT NOW HE'S A GHOST 
DETAINEE IN JORDAN. A LOOK INTO THE AMAZINGLY WORLDLY LIFE OF A FANATIC 


ach day for Khalid Sheikh 

Mohammed is like every other. 

It's hard for him to distinguish 
Monday from Tuesday. His life has regu- 
larity now, an intentional changelessness 
that stands in contrast to his years on the 
run. He has lost a lot of weight since he’s 
been inside, and his interactions are lim- 
ited to the same small group of Americans. 
By now, two years into his imprisonment, 
the man who devised the 9/11 attacks has 
to realize who holds the upper hand. His 
days of first-class travel are over. The Cen- 
tral Intelligence Agency now defines his 
life. The man known to investigators as 
KSM is one of 11 high-value detainees 
held in a secret location—possibly Al Jafr 
prison in Jordan’s southern desert. 

The prize catch in the war on terror- 
ism, KSM quickly cooperated with his 
onetime foes and gave up the names of 
a dozen Al Qaeda operatives. The CIA 
had been granted dispensation to use 
such interrogation methods as simu- 
lated drowning, sleep deprivation and 


extreme temperatures, but these were 
unnecessary. KSM preferred to be ques- 
tioned by Americans and not by Jorda- 
nians, Saudis or Egyptians—all known 
for their harsh interrogation methods. 
Of course, a man with such an ego would 
also be quick to explain his accomplish- 
ments to his captors. 

In exchange for a consideration or 
small favor—a plate of dates, perhaps— 
KSM talks with his CIA questioners. 
His circle of contacts is kept small so 
that he relies on his captors and feels 
comfortable with them. Even the con- 
gressional 9/11 commission investiga- 
tors were not permitted to speak with 
him, though they had access to a num- 
ber of his interrogation reports. The 
time and duration of the questioning 
varies, to keep him from anticipating 
questions and preparing answers. Не 
is awakened at the proper time each day 
so he can pray to Allah. 

I've never met the man, but I've spo- 
ken with many who have—people who 


LEFT: AN EXCLUSIVE, NEVER-BEFORE-PUBLISHED PHOTO OF KHALID SHEIKH MOHAMMED, OBTAINED FROM AN INTELLIGENCE SOURCE. 
ABOVE: A PHOTO TAKEN SHORTLY AFTER KSM'S LATE-NIGHT CAPTURE IN RAWALPINDI, PAKISTAN, IN MARCH 2003. 


79 


IMAGES OF A FANATIC 


1. KHALID SHEIKH MOHAMMED, seen 
here in a photograph posted on the 
FBI's most-wanted list, represents a 
new breed of terrorist capable of mov- 
ing between cultures. 2. KSM attended 
engineering classes in MCNAIR HALL 
on the campus of North Carolina A&T, 
from which he graduated in 1986. 
3. The experience of living among 
disenfranchised immigrants in 

HEEL, an oil town outside Kuwait City, 
radicalized the young KSM. 4. This 
image of Wall Street Journal reporter 
DANIEL PEARL was e-mailed to the 
media on January 30, 2002. Pearl was 
murdered by KSM in Pakistan. 


were closely involved with him inside and 
outside the international intelligence com- 
munity. What follows comes from a vari- 
ety of sources both public and private. 
Some information will be familiar to read- 
ers of The 9/11 Commission Report. Yet 
a great deal of it has never before been 
made public. As a counterterrorism ana- 
lyst, I've had access to privileged infor- 
mation in preparing this article. This is 
the most comprehensive portrait to date 
of the most brilliant and cunning terrorist 
the world has ever seen. 


= 


halid Sheikh Mohammed's 

arrest on March 1, 2003 was a 

devastating blow to Al Qaeda. 

Because he was so expert at 
changing identities and so thorough in 
his security, his capture came as a surprise. 
Intelligence agencies have identified at least 
50 aliases that KSM used. He had fraud- 
ulently obtained passports from Sudan, 
Saudi Arabia and Pakistan. For years he 
eluded international security, intelligence 
and law enforcement agencies. He traveled 
the world, organizing the most diverse ter- 
rorist network ever assembled. *No one," 
concludes The 9/11 Commission Report, 
“exemplifies the model of the terrorist 
entrepreneur more clearly than Khalid 
Sheikh Mohammed, the principal architect 
of the 9/11 attacks." 

As head of Al Qaeda's military and 
operations committees, he was the third- 
highest-ranking member, behind Osama 
bin Laden and Ayman al Zawahiri—both 
of whom are supposedly hiding in the law- 
less tribal lands of Pakistan. Al Qaeda 
became a notorious organization because 
of KSM. Without him it would never have 
been able to strike the U.S. mainland. Nei- 
ther Mullah Omar, former Taliban leader 
of Afghanistan, nor Bin Laden could have 
planned and executed such an attack. 
(Contrary to press reports, Bin Laden has 
never traveled beyond the Arabian Penin- 
sula, the Horn of Africa, the Balkans, Pak- 
istan and Afghanistan.) 

KSM is a postmodern terrorist—a man 
with multiple faces and identities—whose 
theology is subordinate to technology and 
whose pragmatism trumps his puritanism. 
Physically unimposing at five-foot-six, he 
nevertheless hatched an extraordinary 
range of terrorist schemes, from crashing 
fuel trucks into gas stations to poisoning 
reservoirs. He was the linchpin of Al 
Qaeda, its ringmaster, its organizational 
locus. He was involved in the bombing of 
the USS Cole and in financing the night- 
club bombings in Bali. Known as al Nukt 


or Mukhtar (Arabic for “the Brain," an 
honorific Bin Laden bestowed on him), he 
is the only man connected with Al Qaeda 
whom intelligence sources have described 
as a genius, a terrorist genius. 

Fluent in Arabic and Urdu, KSM also 
speaks flawless English. His facility with 
languages allowed him to be taken for an 
Asian, Arab or American Muslim. *If I 
didn't know who he was," one person 
who has met him told me, *I wouldn't 
have been able to guess his origins. He 
could pass easily for an Arab, a Pakistani 
or an Iranian 

KSM isan engineer, not a theologian. He 
used to watch TV news and listen to radio 
reports but didn't seem especially interested 
in religion or politics. “Не never struck те 
asa man of Allah," I was told by one per- 
son who had met him before his capture. 
“Не struck me more as a man of action." 
From the time he got up in the morning 
until he went to bed, he worked. His only 
pleasure was work. *He would sit in a cor- 
ner with his mobile phones and text- 
message people," says a person who had 
seen him working. *He would handle three 
or four mobile phones at the same time." 

KSM would regularly break his rou- 
tine, vary his schedule and change his 
plans, trusting no one with personal or 
organizational details. He communicated 
via couriers, using an array of identities. 
His secrecy kept intelligence agencies 
from recognizing his role in various 
19905 terrorist operations. The U.S. gov- 
ernment took months to recognize his 
full involvement in the 9/11 attacks. 
After his March 2002 arrest, Abu Zubay- 
dah, Al Qaeda's operational director, told 
American interrogators of KSM's impor- 
tance, but the Americans didn't fully 
believe Zubaydah until the arrest of 
Ramzi Binalshibh, the logistics coordi- 
nator of 9/11. Many Western intelligence 
agencies belittled KSM’s significance. 
Nearly everyone underestimated his abil- 
ity to plan and execute low-cost but 
effective operations. 


= 


Born Khalid al Sheikh Mohammed Ali 
Dustin al Blushi on April 14, 1965 in 
Ahmadi, Kuwait, KSM grew up in 
nearby Fahaheel, a grimy town between 
Kuwait City and the petrochemical com- 
plex near the supertanker port. Built by 
British oil companies in the 1950s, the 
town has more recently been inhabited 
by oil workers from Egypt and Pakistan. 
KSM’s family came from Baluchistan, a 
desert region in southwestern Pakistan. 
Being born (continued on page 162) 


“It'll work out tonight. She has no pants оп.” 


OF THE 
ЛЕКА 22.2. 


overwhelming choice 


ith her raven-black hair, electric blue eyes 

and racecourse curves, Tiffany Fallon is a 

modern version of the classic pinup. Now, 

thanks to your overwhelming support, 

she is also Playmate of the Year 2005. 

Fresh off the plane from her home in 

Nashville, she is warm and even bubbly 

as she describes how her life has changed—or hasn't 

changed—since she became a Playmate. “I like to stay 

grounded," she says. "I've found that if you kill people 

with genuine kindness, you’re going to get more results. 

I try to bring that approach to L.A. and my work. | love 

going out to parties, but | also like the quality of life in 
Nashville. When I’m home, I'm square." 

Square perhaps, but hardly boxy. Tiffany plays up a 


ТІ 


2005 


sexpot image on the Spike TV sketch comedy series 
The Lance Krall Show. "I've played a cheesy porn star, 
an evil schoolgirl and an oversexed secretary—it's al- 
ways over-the-top," she says. “In some ways it fulfills 
one of my early ambitions, to be a Bond girl." In real 
life Tiffany has other roles—among them, ardent foot- 
ball fan. “1 grew up a Miami Dolphins fan, and later | 
cheered for the Falcons," she says. This year she was 
able to combine that love with another role, roving 
ambassador for PLAvBov, when she got to represent 
the magazine at the Super Bowl. "It's just one of the 
great things we can do as Playmates," she says. 
Tiffany is particularly pleased to belong to the class of 
2004: "We're like a family or a sorority. I'm happy to 
represent all the girls as Playmate of the Year.” 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY STEPHEN WAYDA 


"When Pm home, Pm squa €. Dul 
enjoy being able te shew the glamour that comes 
with being Playmate cf the Vea 


90 


into the drink 


The sun's hot. 
So is your girl. 
Just add the 
perfect summer 
cocktail for a 
round of after- 


noon delight 


By A.J. Baime 


d at the bar at Maui's Kapalua 
tel an hour behind schedule, 
spent the morning on a dive 
rveying the grassy knoll that 

t from the row of bar stools and 
slices into the sea, I saw a woman lying 
on a beach chair in a black bikini, look- 
ing about as hot as the Polynesian sun 
hanging over my shoulder. She had 
sunglasses on and a drink in her hand, 
and there was an empty chair next to 
hers. I walked over. 

"Come here often?" I asked. 

"You're late,” she said. 

"You know how it is." 

"You've got to try this drink," she 
said. "It's amazing." 

I waved at the bartender, pointed at 
the woman's glass and flashed two fin- 
gers. A minute later I was sipping the 
finest cocktail I've ever had—the hotel's 
mai tai. Granted, I was on my honey- 
moon, so you might argue that I am 
biased. But I've made this drink myself 
a dozen times now, and it has never 
failed. The environment is as important 
as the ingredients. It wasn't just the fla- 
vor that caught me off guard that day. 
It was the kind of repose that is partic- 
ular to a reclining chair, a perfect sip- 
per, a warm sun and the right girl. 

Since that time I've spent countless 
sunny afternoons re-creating that sen- 
sation, keeping it fresh with a variety 
of summer drinks. When you're pool- 
side or on a beach, you need a cocktail 
that can multitask. It's all about the 
mix. You've got the liquor, which de- 
livers the joie de vivre; the mixer, 
which keeps the jelly lining your brain 
from drying up on you; and the ice, 
which makes the world go around 
post-Memorial Day. The following 
menu represents the drinks I've poured 
on the finest summer days I can re- 
member—my greatest-hits collection. 
The list features little-known classics, 
some new twists and one staple every- 
one gets wrong. I've included the back- 
story on each drink. Knowing the juice 
on the cocktail you serve is like match- 
ing a great suit with a fine alligator 
belt and shoes. Anyone can pull some- 
thing off the rack, but the guy who puts 


e 


thought into the presentation is the 
one who gets the girl. Already got a 
girl? Trust us, you can get her again 
and again. 


Kapalua Mai Tai » 
Many bartenders have claimed respon- 
sibility for the mai tai. “This aggravates 
my ulcer completely,” the real father, 
“Trader” Vic Bergeron, once said. Fact 
is, it doesn't matter anymore, since 
today's mai tais are different every- 
where you order them and almost 
never resemble the original: gold rum, 
lime juice, orange curacao, rock candy 
syrup and French orgeat. I tasted this 
revision at the Kapalua Bay Hotel in 
Maui. (They've since changed the rec- 
ipe to something completely different 
for some ungodly reason, but this is the 
gem I remember.) 
1 ounce gold rum 
1 ounce dark rum (such as Gosling's 
or Myers's) 
% ounce Bacardi 151 
Fresh pulpy pineapple juice 
Stick a peeled, cored ripe pineapple 
into a blender for 30 seconds. Fill a 
highball glass to the top with cracked 
ice, pour in all the rum, then top off 
with the juice. If you're hungry, throw 
in a chunk of fresh pineapple. 


• Blood and Sand 

This elegant scotch-based number is 
likely named after the 1922 bullfight- 
ing movie star- 
ring Rudolph 
v Valentino. The 
drink's color is 
that of sand 
when blood is 
| spilled on it. No 
need for any 
experiments at 
the beach—you 
| can take our 
word for it. Use 
a light blended 
scotch whiskey 
such as Dewar's 
or the Famous 
Grouse, and 
keep your eye 


ар 23а. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY JAMES IMBROGNO 


92 


on the fuel tank. These babies go down 
really easy. 

% ounce scotch 

% ounce cherry liqueur 

% ounce sweet vermouth 

% ounce orange juice 

Shake all the ingredients with 
cracked ice and strain into a chilled 
cocktail glass. Garnish with a piece 
of orange peel. 


*Eden 
Julie Reiner, 
mixologist ex- 
traordinaire and 
co-owner of the 
Flatiron Lounge 
in Manhattan, 
knows a thing 
or two about 
sunny-day cock- 
tails. She grew 
up on Oahu, and she's best known for 
mixing liquor with exotic tropical ingre- 
dients. Her latest creation, now on the 
Flatiron's menu: 
2 ounces Plymouth gin 
% ounce Campari 
1 ounce fresh lemon juice 
У ounce rose syrup (available at 
specialty stores) 
Shake all the ingredients with 
cracked ice, then dump into a dou- 
ble rocks glass full of cracked ice. 
Toss in a lemon twist and you're 
good to go. 


__| “Тһе Real 
Margarita 

By some ac- 
counts, the mar- 
garita is the 
most popular 
cocktail in Amer- 
ica (we'll put our 
money on the 
rum and Coke, 
but anyway...). 
Problem is, most 
bartenders don't 
know how to 
make it. What's 
with all the sour 
mix and poly- 
sorbate 802 Тһе 
real recipe has 
three simple ingredients: 

2 ounces blanco tequila 

1 ounce Cointreau 

И ounce fresh lime juice 

Stir all the ingredients in a mixing 
glass and pour into a highball glass 
packed as high as possible with 
cracked ice. Garnish with a slice of 
lime, then "let it lie down" (as 
Sinatra used to say about his Jack 
rocks) so the ice waters down the 
booze. If the drink is too strong, 

hit it with a dash of agua. 


• Moscow 
Mule 

Vodka was intro- 
duced to Amer- 
ican drinkers en 
masse in the late 
1940s thanks to 
anentrepreneur 
named John 
Martin, who'd 
purchased a de- 
funct Russian brand called Smirnoff for 
$14,000. (He used profits he'd made 
selling a certain steak sauce called А.1.) 
Since few Americans had heard of vodka 
at the time, Martin needed a slogan 
("Smirnoff White Whiskey—No Taste, 
No Smell") and a signature cocktail. This 
is what he came up with: 

2 ounces vodka 

5 ounces ginger beer 

The original called for a copper mug, 
but a double rocks glass will do you 
fine. Fill it with ice, add the vodka, 
and top with ginger beer. Garnish 
with a lime wedge. 


* Caipirinha 
A delicious Bra- 
zilian export, 
the caipirinha is 
best sipped with 
tanned, wet- 
haired women 
wearing bikinis 
made of dental 
floss. The main 
ingredient, ca- 
chaca (kah- 
SHAH-sah), is a Brazilian liquor 
distilled from sugarcane juice and 
similar to white rum. 
2 ounces сасһаса 
1 ounce simple syrup (equal parts 
sugar and water, boiled and cooled) 
1 lime, quartered 
Muddle the lime pieces with a pestle in 
а mixing glass. Add the other ingredi- 
ents with a large handful of cracked ice 
and stir. Pour into a chilled old-fash- 
ioned glass and you're halfway to Rio. 


«Hemingway 
Daiquiri 

You've got it all 
wrong about 
the daiquiri. 
Served the way 
it should be— 
very chilly and 
without Day- 
Glo—it's as clas- 
sic as they come. 
An American named Jennings Cox 
invented the drink in the 1890s and 
named it after the coastal town in Cuba 
near where he was living. The original 
features a shot of white rum, a teaspoon 
of sugar and the juice of halfa lime. This 


slight revision was Hemingway 5 favorite 
breakfast during the Havana years. 

1 ounce white rum 

У ounce maraschino liqueur 

% ounce grapefruit juice 

% ounce simple syrup 

% ounce fresh lime juice 

Shake the ingredients with cracked ice 
and strain into a chilled cocktail glass. 


* Chartreuse 
Cocktail 

This sweet-and- 
sour cousin of 
the margarita 
uses Chartreuse 
in place of Coin- 
treau. Char- 
treuse is the 
only liqueur 
that has a color 
named after it. 
It's made by 
monks in the 
French Alps, 
and though it has no alcohol burn, it's 
a stiff 110 proof. Beware: This drink 
can be a handful. 

1% ounces blanco tequila 

1 ounce green Chartreuse 

% ounce fresh lime juice 

Mix as you would the margarita listed 
on this page. Use a rocks glass 
packed high with cracked ice and 
garnish with a thin slice of lime. 


Music is the secret ingredient for any get-together. 
Burn the playlist below to add an extra kick to the. 
cocktails here, It's 80 minutes of poolside bliss: horn 
fills, tropical beats and sunny samples to keep heads 
bobbing, sure to maintain your buzz without pumping 
things up to full-on party mode. That comes later. 


"Tijuana Taxi,” Herb Alpert & the Tijuana Brass 
“Tres Delinquentes,” Delinquent Habits 


"Ladyflash," The Go! Team 


rehound," MF Doom 

"(Don't Worry) If There's a Hell Below..." Curtis Mayfield 
) Deep Throat Ant 
“1976,” RJD2 


‘A penny for your thoughts. .." 


Ava 


— 


A COMPENDIUM OF LORE, TRIVIA AND OFF-THE-WALL 
INFO ABOUT THE GREATEST ENTERTAINMENT, CULTURAL AND REVENUE- 
GENERATING FORCE SINCE SHAKESPEARE 


BY SCOTT ALEXANDER AND JOSH ROBERTSON 


T- 2002 movie Reign of Fire depicts a 
time in the near future when gigantic 
fire-breathing dragons have conquered 
the world and the few human survivors 
struggle to stay alive. In one scene a cou- 
ple of adults, bereft of modern entertain- 
ments, seek to amuse the children by 
reenacting Star Wars. 

It is a smart choice. The Star Wars saga 
has entertained hundreds of millions, 
rewritten the way Hollywood makes mov- 
ies and generated billions of dollars. More 
important, it has become a modern myth, 
a tale that will be as emblematic of our 
era as Hamlet was of Shakespeare's. With 
the release of Star Wars Episode Ill: 
Revenge of the Sith, George Lucas com- 
pletes his labors. Here, as a kind of trib- 
ute, we share this trove of information 
that all Star Wars fans, casual or zealous, 
really ought to know. 


THE MAN 


Lucas is many things—enfant terrible, dre 
racer, überdork, USC film school gradu 
shaper of modern myths, launcher c 
thousand Gungan raiding parties; 
audiophile, FXophile, Francis 
Ford Coppola familiar, Steven 
Spielberg producer, Hollywood 
outsider, Thalberg award win- 
mer, 


a great director. In artistic terms he isn't in 
the same league with Coppola, Spielberg, 
Scorsese or any of the giants of his gen- 
eration, but in cultural currency he has 
surpassed them all. Without Lucas there 
is no Harrison Ford, no Darth Vader, no 
American Graffiti, no Pixar, no Jurassic 
Park dinosaurs, no exploding Death Star. 
The opposite of most directors, Lucas 
s background more than foreground, 
texture more than taste. The operative les- 
son here: If you can convince people 
they're on another planet, they'll listen to 

hat you have to say if they think you can 
get them a ride home 


HIS CREATION 
The Star Wars saga is а six-part movie 
s@fial whose final installment (the third in 
the cycle) appears this month. Over the 
Years the films have grossed $3.4 billion 
fand the revenue from ancillary products 
has reached $9 billion. Lucas's personal 
fortune has been estimated at $3 billion, 
е 


good for 194th place 
among the Forbes 400. 


ІП THE 
ВЕБІППІПІ 


Lucas's original text-cum- 
sketch of what he then 
called "The Star Wars 
involved two Jedi—Luke 
Skywalker and Annikin 
Starkiller—who help rebel 
princess Leia of Aquilae 
escape Darth Vader with 
the aid of their “laze 
swords.” In reading this 
crazy blenderized version of themes, char- 
acters and places from what would 
become the Star Wars saga, we see the 
series's roots in the flamboyant Saturday- 
matinee science-fiction tradition. 


THE KEY INFLUENCE 


Joseph Campbell was a master of com- 
parative mythology who explored com- 
mon elements of the myths held by 
cultures across the globe 
These components, dis- 
cussed in Campbell's 1949 
book The Hero With a 
Thousand Faces, heavily 
ucas's concep- 

e Star Wars story 


je 


Among the key elements: the call to 


adventure (Leia's mes- 
sage to Obi-Wan), super- 
natural aid (the Force, 
Obi-Wan), temptation 
away from the true path (the 
dark side), the meeting with the 
goddess (Leia) and atonement with 
the father (Anakin and Luke's reunion). 


a 


Lucas also borrowed heavily from 
© Asian myth in his construction of 
the Jedi order, with particular ana- 
К logues to samurai culture in the 
master-apprentice relationship 
K the importance of mental disci- 
pline, nonviolent warriors, an 
emphasis on swordplay and 
an all-pervading mystic 
force that can be accessed through 
intense training 


Okay. We have universal myth and bushido 
influences. What's missing? How about Nazi 
imagery? Consider how the high-collared 
gray uniforms worn by Imperial officers 
resemble those of the SS. Note how the 
flared bottom edge of Vader's helmet 
resembles the Wehrmacht's distinctive 
headgear. Geez, the term storm trooper 
itself comes from Sturmtruppen, as mem- 
bers of the Nazi militia Sturmabteilung 
(storm division), or SA, were 

called. Even the good guys 
find themselves touched by 

а Nazi: Episode IV's final 
scene, the ceremony in 
which Luke and Han are 
honored for their heroics, 
uncomfortably recalls 
some of the Nuremberg 
rally footage in Leni 
Riefenstahl's 1935 Nazi 
propaganda film Tri- 
umph of the Will, 


At the climax of The 
Empire Strikes Back 
Vader utters the line that 

connects the lasers and Wook- 

iees to living rooms around the world 
"| am your father.” Once Vader (father in 
Dutch, by the way) gurgles this shocking 
revelation, the saga is exposed as a tradi- 
tional father-son generation-gap story. 
Vader wants Luke to join the family busi- 
ness. Luke refuses to sacrifice his youthful 
idealistic values (“I'll never join you!") 
Vader is frustrated with Luke's inability to 
understand that Death Stars, TIE fighters 
and fawning minions all cost money and 
that you can't support a family, let alone an 


hippie space cop 
For his part, Luke's rejection masks 

his anger that Vader never dropped by 
with offers to rule the galaxy 
when Luke was lubing 
droids on Tatooine 
Then Luke tries to kill 
Vader. Is Dr. Freud in the 
house? 


The key to the original movie's 
success resided in Alec Guin- 
ness's restrained, nuanced perfor- 
mance. His mere presence brought 
this juvenile science-fiction film credibility. 
After all, what's more credible than а 
British Oscar winner? And his perfor- 
mance infused the story with an underly- 
ing seriousness. With the pups around him 
doing dinner theater, Guinness played 
Chekhov, breathing subtlety, sadness and 
grace into his portrayal of an aging rem- 
nant of a dying order. His surprising death 
gave the film sudden depth, yet Lucas 
reportedly claims he killed off Obi-Wan 
only because there was nothing for him to 
do in the second half. 


For a generation raised on Sesame Street, 
the obvious puppetry at work in the first 
three films was nothing new. Sure, 
Yoda's bobbing gait is very Kermit 
the Frog, and Jabba's pal Sala- 
cious Crumb flaps about like 
a forgotten cousin from 
Emmet Otter's Jug Band 
Christmas. But in retro- 
spect it’s clear these foam 
rubber creations (brought 
to life by many of the 
same people who per- 
formed the Muppets) 
provided a volume and 
texture sadly missing in 
The Phantom Menace 
and Attack of the Clones, 
in which Lucas opted for 
the computer-generated 
imaging of the day. 


John Williams’s theme for the original film 
is at once stirring, uplifting, hummable and 
campy. It proved so durable, it has sur- 
vived middle-school orchestra concerts, a 
disco version and Bill Murray's immortal 
lyricization on 
Saturday 
Night Live 
("Star wars/ 
Nothin' but 
Star wars...”). 


The breadth of Lucas's imagina- 
tion is astonishing; the depth 
seems to suggest a neurosis that 
psychology has yet to name. In the 
series's various group scenes Lucas 
actually took pains to name the 
many background figures who have 
few or no lines. So let's raise a glass 
to Yarael Poof, Plo Koon and Sae- 
see Tiin (members of Episode /'s 
Jedi Council); to Shu Mai, Po Nudo 
and Passel Argente (Episode //5 sep- 
aratist leaders); to Ponda Baba (Wal- 
rus Man), Momaw Nadon (Hammerhead), 
and Dr. Evazan (all cantina creeps in 
Episode IV); to 4-LOM, Dengar and 
Zuckuss (Episode V's also-ran bounty 
hunters); and to Droopy McCool and Max 
Rebo (Jabba's entourage in Episode VI) 
Guys, without you, the Star Wars saga 
would just be Daddy 
Dearest with lasers. 


Does Yoda look 
like the great jour- 
nalist and historian 
Theodore H. White, 
or what? 


Luke seems just as 
intrepid as he did on 
first viewing, and 
Han just as dashing 
For some reason, though, what now 
stands out about Leia is how much of a 
ballbuster she is. It's one thing to hail the 
nefarious Governor Tarkin by saying, "I 
recognized your foul stench when | was 
brought on board." But why is she so 
cranky with Han? "Why, you stuck-up, half- 
witted, scruffy-looking nerf herder,” she 
says. She's harsh when he (correctly) sug- 
gests she's attracted to him ("Captain 
being held by you isn't quite enough to 
get me excited"), when he suggests a 
smooch ("I'd just as soon kiss а Wookiee") 
and when he (absolutely correctly) sug- 
gests she loves him ("I don't know where 
you get your delusions, laser braii Han 
looks happy to be going off with her at the 
end of Return of the Jedi, but after a 
decade or so of wedded bliss she'll have 
worn him down to a nub. 


(Anthony Daniels) 


The budding romance between Luke and 
Leia in Episode IV and Episode V provided 
many young filmgoers with their introduc- 
tion to the subject of incest. 


Reading for a role in Star Wars seems to 
have been a rite of passage for actors of the 
era. Competition was stiff. But for a wiggle 
in the Force, Luke might have been Robby 
Benson (/ce Castles), William Katt (The 
Greatest American Hero) or Andrew Stevens 
(The Bastard). Leia could have been Cindy 
Williams, Amy Irving or Berlin lead singer 
Terri Nunn. And Han might have been Kurt 
Russell, Frederic Forrest (Chef from Apoca- 
Іурзе Now) or Perry King 
playing Han on the radio. 


who ended up 


Editing, man—it's a bitch. Young British actress 
Koo Stark might have hoped great things 
would come from her days spent on 
the set in Tunisia, playing Camie, a 
friend of Luke's who calls him 
Wormie. But Lucas left Camie on the 
cutting-room floor, and Stark was 
left to find fame via other avenues— 
performing in super-soft-core 
movies, then dating Prince Andrew. 
That combo finally, if 
briefly, got her name 
in the headlines. 


Harrison Ford, of course, achieved 
stardom. The others? Mark Hamill has 
become a voice-over actor. Carrie Fisher 

rites semiautobiographical novels and 
gets cameos in movies that need the boost 
only a Carrie Fisher cameo can provide. 
Billy Dee Williams pitched malt liquor. Even 
Lucas fizzled, making Howard the Duck 
and abandoning directing until he revived 
the franchise. One theory is that Ford won 
everyone else's career in a poker game. But 
how do you account for his past six films? 


After a 16-year gap Lucas resumed the 
Star Wars saga in 1999. Although the two 
ims that followed did well, he may have 
wa too long. The n movies suffer 
from a certain solemnity and CGI cold- 
ness. Worse, Lucas siphoned the poetry 
from the concept at the heart of his uni- 
verse. Instead of leaving the Force as an 
inchoate mystery, Lucas got all CS/ 
Tatooine and revealed the iny 
creatures called midi-chlorians that live in 
our blood. The more you have, the more 
magic you can perform. In Jungian terms, 
he turned the Force from a symbol (an 
archetypal expression that can mean 
many things to many people) into a sign 
(a closely defined concept). It was better 
when we didn't think the Jedi had some 
form of galactic scabies. 


Undoubtedly the most egregious, ex- 
ploitative and obscure Star Wars enter- 
tainment is 1978's Star Wars Holiday 
Special. In it Han tries to get Chewie home 
for the queasily saccharine Life Day, but 
that's irrelevant. The point is that this 
youth-oriented smash film was turned 
into an exhausted 1970s variety show fea- 
turing such warhorses as Beatrice Arthur 
and Harvey Korman. The low point? Five 
minutes of Wookiee-to-Wookiee dia- 
logue—without subtitles 


The saga has inspired many people to lay 
their life on the line, literally. Devotees 
have camped out 
for months for 
tickets to early 
screenings. Jeff 
Tweiten of Seat- 
tle has been wait- 
ing since January 
1 for the opening 
of Revenge of the 


Sith. And yes, he's blogging it (at waitingfor 


starwars.blogspot.com). 


The saga has spawned a film festival's worth 
of fan tribute movies. Among the best is one 
of the first, Kevin Rubio's 1997 Troops, a 
Cops-style ride-along with storm troopers 
on Tatooine. Luke's Uncle Owen and Aunt 
Beru, it turns out, are prone to domestic vio- 
lence, particularly when she drinks. See 
these films at theforce.net/fanfilms. 


Star Wars, the film series: big. Star Wars, the 
licensing deal: phenomenal. Inevitably, how- 
ever, scarcities emerge. The original rarity is 
Blue Snaggletooth, the action figure for a 
minor character in the cantina scene. The 
Kenner toy company sculpted it with only a 
head shot for (concluded on page 162) 


DM 
Costume 
Makeup 
Sex appeal 
Remote choking 
Athletic ability 
Force ability 
Evil quotient 
Loyalty to master 
Not being cut 


5 TO 4. VADER ES MAS MACHO. 


g new on that meteor?" 


"Anythin, 


97 


(UAB SUCH 


IGSAW 


LUCILLE WANTS PAVEL AND PAVEL WANTS LILY AND 
LILY WANTS EVERYONE. 
SOME NEIGHBORHOOD 


FICTION BY 
ROBERT COOVER 


ucille is obsessed with love's great mystery. When she and 
L Larry first moved to this pretty neighborhood, her notion of 
love was inextricably tied up with marriage and family. Larry, 
whose business career had taken off when he cornered the 
market on disposable wearables, was feeling ecstatically full of 
himself (Top of the world, Ma! he liked to exclaim, rearing high 
above her when about to have his orgasm, which was always a 
thrilling moment for her as well and brought on an orgasm of her 
own, or something like one), and their lovemaking was delightfully 
spontaneous and lighthearted. One of the products he had in his 
portfolio was candy panties, of which he was sent samples, and 
not only did he like to eat them off her, he also wore them (he was 
so cute in those thin little things!) and let her do the same. They 
tasted like cotton candy, and licking them off seemed both very 
sophisticated and like being a child again at the circus. They sim- 
ply had fun and, almost as an afterthought, had children, whom 
they also loved, and she thought this was how it would be until 
they got old and loved each other in another, quieter way and 
devoted themselves to their grandchildren. 

But then she met Pavel the handyman. He came to clean out 
their gutters, and he quite bluntly, and quite excitingly, said he'd like 
to clean out hers. She became flustered and resisted—this would not 
do at all—but the next thing she knew, she was into something quite 
different from anything she had ever experienced before. She doesn't 
even know if she should still call it love. It is certainly full of passion 
and desire and is incredibly erotic, but there's not much of simple 
fun or tenderness in it. It's closer to the bone than that, an expres- 
sion that, when she used it, made Pavel laugh. Pavel calls what they 
do fucking, a word she has never used before, not out loud, but that's 
just what it is, something that brings out the animal in her, overrid- 
ing mind and heart. And conscience. And good taste. Vulgar, yes, it 
is. Though she knows it is wrong and dangerous and has tried to stop 
it, she can't. He feels like a giant in her; whichever way he takes her, 
he completely fills her up, and now she knows what an orgasm really 
is, and she suffers from an insatiable desire for more and more. Pavel 
teases her about this as she invents job after job for him to do, and 


ILLUSTRATION BY GEOFFREY GRAHN 


99 


PLAYBOY 


100 


he often takes off his pants while he does the jobs and 
makes her wait and wait, staring at his big hammer, as he 
calls it, and his strong, handsome bottom while he 
changes a washer or paints a patch of ceiling or gets 
down on his hands and knees to rewire a wall plug. 
This mad obsession with the handyman has caused a 
great deal of turmoil and remorse in Lucille, for she loves 
Larry and the little family they have made together and 
she knows he is true to her and worth all the Pavels in the 
world and she really doesn't want to hurt him, while at 
the same time the fun they were having in bed together 
isn't really all that much fun anymore. She is talking about 
this in a somewhat coded way (she pretends to be talk- 
ing about a book she has read) one afternoon in the local 
bookstore coffee lounge with her young friend Rick from 
the neighborhood literary society, a gentle fellow who 
works in the bookstore and writes poems about the sad- 
ness of life for the Sunday supplement of the city news- 
paper. He reminds her of several 
books they have read together in 
the literary society, which celebrate 
love in all its varieties, from the 
merely physical to the most pure 
and transcendent, and he gets down 
a copy of Madame Bovary and reads 
a passage from it to her, and while 
he is doing that he takes her hands 
in his and interrupts his reading to 
tell her he adores her, he has since 
the moment he saw her when she 
first came to one of their Tuesday- 
night meetings, when they were dis- 
cussing Women in Love. When | saw 


Bo 


also a certain anguish. He is not a man who keeps secrets 
well and fears for the moment when dear, faithful Lucille 
finds out. Already he is practicing what he might say to 
her should that happen. 

Victor, who lives on the other side of the widow's 
house with his little homebody wife, Evelyn, has fewer 
scruples. When the widow asked him for help with a 
stuck window, he didn't even bother to take his tools 
with him, other than the one he knew she really wanted. 
She was passionate and tender and grateful, if somewhat 
straitlaced (there are many things she hasn't done and 
won't do), but it was better than fucking a prostitute, 
which, since he moved here at his boss's urging (a good 
place to raise children, he said with a smirk around his 
bobbing cigar), has been his usual fare, other than Eve- 
lyn, who seems to get little pleasure out of it and gives 
little. Victor, though frustrated by the widow's 
entrenched naivete, is also grateful and takes what she 
offers him, treating her like the 
proper lady she is. Victor is a top- 
rank insurance salesman who has 
known many women in his day, 
though he has found himself some- 
what cut off from the action in this 
neighborhood, so he is glad that at 
least the widow is available, and 
when he hasn't been sent off travel- 
ing by his boss, which is all too often 
these days, he visits her at least 
once a week to unstick her win- 
dows. At one point Victor met with 
his boss to ask about cutting back 
on the travel—it was taking the 


you, it was like a miracle, he says. 
And so, well, something else gets 
started, and again it is something 
quite different. 

Lucille's husband, Larry, is also 
suffering pangs of turmoil and guilt, 
though they don't show on his face 
because he is by nature such a 
happy fellow. Larry's success in life, 
as in business, has been due to his 
singular focus, which was how he 


Embedded in this story are clues to a 
puzzle. Each character fills a piece of 
the jigsaw; their relationships and 
personalities define their position. 
The illustration on the previous two 
pages provides a key, and we've 
spotted you the first letter of the first 
character's name. Fill in all pieces, then 
read the acrostic. Hint: The answer is 
not necessarily read left to right. 


starch out of him, and he wasn't 
seeing enough of his kids—but his 
boss said he was doing a great job, 
raised his pay and sent him out on 
the road again. Victor knows there's 
a lot going on out here in the sub- 
urbs, there always is, these places 
are made for it, just a matter of get- 
ting your tab in the right hole, but 
he and Evelyn are apparently living 
on the wrong street. His boss is a 


made his fortune on disposable wearables. When Larry 
sets his mind on something, he sticks to it and stays by 
it, and that includes his relationship with Lucille, who is 
his sexy, loving helpmeet and the mother of his children. 
He knows that such lifelong relationships risk being sti- 
fled by routine, so he works hard at enlivening theirs with. 
novelty and romantic surprise. But Larry is also a kind 
and generous man touched by the pain and sorrow of 
others, so when their neighbor Opal, a demure widow 
living alone since the tragic highway death of her hus- 
band (the perils of commuting!), asked him for help in 
opening a stuck window in her bedroom and then fell 
into his arms sobbing, he felt somehow humanly obliged 
to help her alleviate her terrible loneliness. After all, what 
did it cost him? Another disposable. And she was so pro- 
foundly grateful, weeping afterward like a happy child 
and holding him tight and saying he was the loveliest 
man she had ever known. She has often had things that 
needed fixing since then, and Larry has found much grat- 
ification in being of service to a fellow being in need, but 


generous guy to work for, but he is a fat, ugly old fart 
reduced to fucking whores (he passed a phone number 
on to Victor) and no longer appreciates the subtler 
things in life. Victor keeps his eye on the housing ads and 
stays in touch by phone with Homer, a local real-estate 
agent with the style of a fagged-out undertaker. Victor 
has told him what he's looking for, but the dismal creep 
never seems to get the picture. 

He is a creep, but Irene is attracted to horny, melan- 
cholic losers like Homer as long as they are not married 
(married guys are pushovers but always have the same 
irritating hang-ups); they are fun to seduce, and because 
they have no will of their own they are usually ready to 
play any game she proposes. For Irene love is exciting 
only when it's theatrical and transgressive. Her unsus- 
pecting lovers are really supporting actors in a licentious 
drama of sexual outlawry starring Irene. Sometimes quite 
literally: She has videocams mounted in her bedroom, 
where there is only a big black mat on the floor, and 
she has hired professional (continued on page 151) 


"I must confess I found it more exciting when you were at your window 
watching me with my husband." 


101 


A warm and sunny Miss June brightens the Sunshine State 


ICES МОМСО 


ince Kara Monaco appeared last August in our Women 

Behind Bars pictorial featuring sexy bartenders, guys 

wandering near her watering hole in Orlando, Florida 

have been unusually thirsty. "People come in every night 

wanting me to sign something for them," she says. 
owners loved it, and while I thought it was sweet, it got a lit- 
tle overwhelming." Kara, who describes herself as “а bit shy 
and reserved until you get to know me,” found a way to 
deflect some of the attention. "I have a co-worker who looks 
enough like me that people think we're sisters," she says. 
"At one point, when someone came in and asked, 'Are you 
Kara from PLAYBOY?' I said, ‘Oh no, she's right over there." 
She got to play my body double. It was funny." 

Such shyness, however, is seldom more than a temporary 
condition with Kara. Though the petite 22-year-old starts out 
quiet, her emerald eyes light up before long, and her friendly 
laugh turns into an exuberant cackle. This is especially true 
once you get her going about life in the Sunshine State. 
Tourists, she says, are easy to spot "because they're always 
sunburned"—a detail she first noticed while fulfilling a tour 
of duty working in Mickey Mouse’s playground. “I dressed 
as seven different characters, including Cinderella, Snow 


not unexpected distinction on a résumé that includes years 
of dancing and gymnastics and a stint coaching a compe! 
dance team. “It was a jazz-funk, hip-hop kind of thing,” she 
says. "That's what I do bes 

One thing you won't find Miss June doing much is hang- 
ing out in bars after work. "After being in that environment 
all day I'm done with partying,” she says. “I love going to 
Miami, where these pictures were taken, but the city is a lit- 
tle crazy for my taste. I'm more of a homebody now." 

A homebody but not boring. Kara never lets her rela- 
tionships become routine and predictable. "Being sponta- 
neous always helps," she says. “Surprise your significant 
other by making dinner or preparing a bubble bath for both 
of you. I try to keep things spicy." So when this bartender 
is finished pouring shots at work, does she then call the shots 
in her relationships? “I'm in charge, but I make him think 
he is," she says with а sly grin. “The one thing I won't tol- 
erate is cheating. I warn guys I date that they get one chance 
with me, and if they cheat it's over. I've never cheated on 
anyone, and І want the same respect." 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY ARNY FREYTAG AND JARMO POHJANIEMI 


This summer Kara wants to learn how to wakeboard, 
a sport that will separate her from her constant com- 
panion, Chloe, a teacup Chihuahua she carries every- 
where in a pooch purse. Their relationship is very 
L.A.—a city to which the aspiring actress is thinking 
of moving. "I've set goals, and I hope within five years 
ГЇЇ be doing something actingwise, whether it's a film 
ora TV show," she says. "I would love to do something 
totally opposite from myself that even downplays my 
looks, like Charlize Theron's role in Monster." Her five- 
year plan is hardly a deadline, however. "I don't think 
I would give up after a certain amount of time,” she 
ГЇЇ just keep trying. 

Kara is one of a number of Sunshine State sweetie: 
who have become Playmates recently, including Mis 
May, Jamie Westenhiser. The two girls are actually 
friends who met on modeling assignments prior to 
appearing in PLAYBOY. Unlike Jamie, who wants to 
make her home in Florida, Kara has more wanderlust. 
"I might use some of my Playmate money to finance 
my trip west, after I visit somewhere I've never been 
before," she says. "Right now I live with my mother, 
who raised my sister and me all by herself. I'm trying 
to convince her to move with me. She's a personal hero 
and someone whose advice I take to heart. My mom 
has been very supportive. When I first asked her what 
she thought of my being in РЕЛУВОУ, she kind of gave 
me a push and said, ‘Go for it.’ I always try to. 


Karo's first nude photo shoot was for the Girls of Summer 
Special Edition. “At first my lips and whole body were shak- 
ing," she says, "but everyone makes you feel at ease." Kara 
then wet our whistle last August as one of America's 10 sex- 
iest bartenders. "There have been a lot of Playmates from 
Florida recently. We have a lot of pretty girls here." 


ET. 


See more of Miss June at cyber.playboy.com 


ыы 
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PLAYBOY’S PLAYMATE OF THE MONTH 


— 


PLAYMATE DATA SHEET 


NAME: 


ee waren: E пе coL ee 
yn 
нетент: 2 метит: UO 


srera рате: 02-20-42 ьктньглсє: Lakeland, FL. — 


memos: To become. а Suceessfes 
model] actress. 


runs: Intelligence , a Sense of humor, 
someone Tall, dark and handsome. 


TURNOFFS : Наса guys! Chembers | Jealousy — 


PLACE I’D LIKE TO mw: Any oler in Europe, _ 
L У CAU E UEM 


FAVORITE SPORTS: Suc fioe ak boarding, — 


5 5 
WHAT I DRIVE/WISR 1 prove: A 219 BM 32 gi) 

| 
THE SEXIEST SCENE IN A ut AA n Aa aa 


Halloween Firs ciel 


EN 5l 
ШУАҒЫН t (Zo.9rs (2! yrs.) 


PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES 


A man went to his doctor and said, “When I got 
up this morning I instinctively put on a pair of 
white gloves and called my wife Minnie. On the 
way to work I couldn't help singing, ‘Hi ho, hi 
ho, it's off to work I go.’ And at the office I called 
my boss Grumpy. What's the matter with me?” 

“Isn't it obvious?” the doctor said. "You're 
having Disney spells.” 


How do you know you're in a church that wel- 
comes homosexuals? 
Only half of the congregation kneels. 


В.охок ЈОКЕ OF THE MONTH: А blonde decided 
to rent her first porno. She went to the video 
store and picked out a tape with a title that 
sounded sexy. She drove home, lit some can- 
ев, took off her clothes and placed the tape in 
the VCR. But nothing appeared on her screen 
except he called the video store and 
complained 


movie is it? 
Тһе blonde replied, “Head Cleaner." 


Two guys were hiking up a mountain when 
they came upon some people bungee jumping. 
One said to the other, "How about it?" 

Тһе other replied, “Хо way. I came into this 
world because of a broken rubber. I'm not leav- 
ing it the same way." 


А mother took her young daughter to an art 
museum. They came across a statue of a naked 
man. The daughter pointed to its penis and 
asked, "What's that?" 
Тһе mother said, "That's something boys 
have and girls don' 
Her daughter said, "But I want one." 
Wanting to end the conversation as quickly 
as possible, the mother said, "Well, if you're а 
good girl you'll have one when you grow up." 
Her daughter asked, "And what if I'm bad?" 
А security guard who overheard the con- 
versation mumbled, “Then you'll have lots 
of them." 


Hollywood executives are working on a new 
movie about Amelia Earhart's fatal ride over the 
Pacific. The working title is Never Findingland. 


Ралувоу CLASSIC: А young woman went to соп- 
fession. She kneeled before the priest and said, 
"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." 

The priest said, "Tell me all your sins, my 
daughter." 

She replied, "Last night my boyfriend made 
love to me seven times." 

The priest thought for a moment, then said, 
"Take seven lemons and squeeze the juice into 
a tall glass. Then drink it." 

She asked, “Will this cleanse my soul of my 


“No,” the priest said, “but it will wipe that 
smile off your face." 


А new sexual position has been invented. It's 
called the Rodeo. A woman gets on all fours, 
and a man enters her from behind. Then the 
man wraps his arms around her waist. He whi 
pers, "You've got the fattest ass I've ever seen, 
and tries to hold on for eight seconds. 


What has 180 legs and no pubic hair? 
The entire front row at an Ashlee Simpson 
concert. 


А man walked into a sex shop and asked for a 
blow-up doll. The clerk asked, “Christian or 
Muslim?” 

The man said, "What's the difference 
between the two?" 

Тһе clerk said, “Тһе Muslim one blows her- 


self up." d 
| 


Mey M 


А Texas oil tycoon stormed into his lawyer's 
office and demanded that he immediately start 
divorce proceedings against his wife. He said, 
"I want to sue that ÊRÊ bitch for breach 
of contract.” 

The lawyer said, “I don't know if we'll have 
a case. Your wife isn't a piece of property. You 
don't own her." 

“Maybe you're right," the tycoon said. "But 
I sure as hell expected exclusive drilling rights." 


What's the best thing about a nudist wedding? 
It's obvious who the best man is. 


Send your jokes to Party Jokes Editor, PLAYBOY, 
730 Fifth Avenue, New York, New York 10019, or 
by e-mail through our website at jokes.playboy.com. 
$100 will be paid to the contributor whose sub- 
mission is selected. 


"Perfect! This is right where your pulse rate should be when 
you finish my aerobics class." 


the playboy fidelity survey 


secre 
SCX 


| 


why one 
in five 
Americans 
strays 


WE ARE BESIEGED by images of infidelity. Turn on the television and you 
can feast on betrayal. Desperate housewives play into a national mania as 
they fool around with pool boys, pipe menders, clients and their neighbors’ 
husbands. On Maury Povich's show, the betrayed rant, rave, throw chairs or 
discuss the results of DNA tests. On Cheaters, suspicious lovers hire goon 
squads to track down errant partners. If it weren't for adultery and fooling 
around, television would be ESPN and the Weather Channel 24/7. 


'our e-mail is overloaded with spam for “hot house- 
ves uno cre strangers.” Websites such as Phi- 
landerers.com give advice on how to fool around. At 
the checkout counter you can read about the sins 
of othe in tabloids and glamour mags. Even sci- 
entific journals weigh in with articles on the possi- 
bility that nonmonogamy can be explained by a 
Casanova gene, as opposed to the Calvin Klein type. 
What are the facts? To find out, PLAYBOY com- 
missioned a unique survey on sexual exclusivity. At 
our request, Sovereign Marketing Research, a 
respected online polling firm, contacted 1,432 
Americans (643 males, 789 females) and asked 
them to take a blind 30-question survey. The sub- 
jects came from every state in the union and rep- 
resented every age and social status. (Unless 
otherwise noted, all statistics will refer to this 
group.) Once we had a snapshot of mainstream 
American attitudes, we turned to pLaygoy’s online 
audience (a group admittedly younger and more 
likely to be male, single and comfortable with sex 
than the average sample). We asked more than 
15,000 visitors to describe both fidelity and infi- 
delity in their own words. Finally we posted a sec- 
ond version of the poll, for adulterers only, to create 
a candid profile of those who stray. 


the facts on fidelity 


Seventy-five percent of the men and 82 percent of the women surveyed 
said they had never cheated on their partner. 

Almost half the men and two thirds of the women said they had never 
even considered having sex with someone other than their partner. 

Sixty percent of the men and 77 percent of the women said they wouldn't 
cheat even if they were guaranteed not to get caught. 

The vast majority of our subjects (85 percent of the men and 93 percent 
of the women) said they prefer exclusivity. 

But these pillars of society may have cracks. Like teenagers, adults 
have come to define sex strictly. Most but not all consider acts of pene- 
tration to be cheating. The rest of the behavior leaves room for fun. 

The myth of infidelity is pervasive. When asked to estimate how many 
men and women have affairs, people overestimate: The most frequently 
cited figure was 50 percent, more than twice the actual number. If noth- 
ing else, the hype contributes to an unpleasant paranoia. About half our 
sample had suspected their partner of having an affair. 

Without a doubt, extramarital sex is the unfinished business of the sex- 
ual revolution: 

About half our subjects (49 percent of the men, 58 percent of the women) 
view adultery and infidelity as sins. 

More than half (57 percent) view adultery and infidelity as neurotic, a 
symptom of a personal problem on the part of the one who cheats. 
Almost three quarters see cheating as a danger signal, a sign of deeper 
problems in the relationship. 


117 


118 


Men were twice as likely as women (11 percent ver- 
sus 5 percent) to believe that cheating is inevitable 
because monogamy is unnatural. Those who cited 
this option were the most inclined to act on their 
belief (four in 10 said they had strayed) 

We will return to the faithful at the end of this 
article. First we'll focus on those who fool around. 
According to the confessions offered by our 
Playboy.com sample, the unfaithful are doing it in 
parking lots outside bars, caught in the glare of 
floodlights. Risking discovery, they stay late at the 
office to couple atop desks, conference tables and 
copy machines. They hook up with old friends at 
high school reunions and weddings and allow wis- 
dom to rewrite memories of young lust. They lis- 
ten—to telephone calls, for the sound of a key in a 
lock, for the rising wail of a stereo played full vol- 
ume in the apartment next door, the signal that the 
spouse and kids are away. 

When we broke down the numbers of those who 
said they had strayed (25 percent of the men, 18 
percent of the women) by marital status, the inci- 
dence of fooling around remained constant 
Among the married it was 24 percent and 17 per- 
cent; among the supposedly exclusive, 27 percent 
and 20 percent 

Is there such a thing as the seven-year itch or a 
midlife mistress? Sort of. The incidence of fooling 
around does go up with age: 18 percent of males 
and 14 percent of females ages 18 to 34 had had 
partners outside their primary relationship. Among 
those over the age of 44, 30 percent of the men 
and 18 percent of the women had strayed 

A surprising finding: Those who cheat do so 
almost immediately, within the first six months of 
a relationship. Of the cheaters who answered the 
Playboy.com poll, four of 10 said they had fooled 
around within the first year of a relationship. 


Why do you seek sex outside the relationship? It's 
the million-dollar question—or whatever amount 
you work out in binding arbitration. This is where 
survey design comes dangerously close to what 
lawyers call "leading the witness." We suspect our 
list of options may not have captured the true flood 
of details that goes into sexual decision making. 
And we believed a multiple choice question might 
play to stereotypes. Not surprisingly, that's what 
we discovered 

Men cited excitement (50 percent), variety (42 
percent), emotional needs (37 percent) and spon- 
taneity (36 percent). One in three men cited the 
President Clinton line “| did it because | could." 

Women cited emotional needs (57 percent), 
reassurance of desirability (48 percent), a desire 
for companionship (40 percent) and excitement 
(39 percent) 

We found significant gender differences with 
almost every option. Men seemed to explain their 
actions in terms of autonomy and turn-ons, women 
in terms of connectedness. About the only things 
men and women agreed on in similar numbers were 
curiosity (23 percent of males, 22 percent of 
females) and the desire for better sex (21 percent 
of males, 17 percent of females). Women were twice 
as likely as men to say they fooled around because 
they were looking for a way out or seeking revenge 


We asked our online participants to provide us with examples of their 
experiences. Here are a few of their first-person reports: 


“Му lover used to call me at two іп the morning оп any random night. | 
would jump into a black cab and go straight through his door and into his 
bed. We would have fantastic, animalistic sex until dawn, and | would 
leave in the morning—no discussions about feelings or the future, only 
pure sex. Which was great." —female, formerly married, now single 


"| met my lover іп ап online chat room. | was 20 and he was 46. | knew 
he was married and that his children were older than | was. We met 
at a hotel, and the only thing on our minds was sex. He undressed me 
seductively and caressed every part of my body. He sucked my nipples 
until they were rock hard. He performed oral sex on me as no other 
guy ever has. | had such an orgasm, | couldn't stop shaking. It felt 
so great." female, never married 


"We met at a somewhat dangerous roadside hotel where the check-in clerk 
worked behind a caged window. We did a wide range of sexual activities 
and shot Polaroids of each other as we did." male, formerly married 


"She was spending the night in a nearby hotel, and І was in and out 
in about an hour—we never spent the night together despite seeing 
each other for several months. This time we ripped up the sheets with 
our lovemaking. You might think that as the man | wanted no com- 
mitment, but we'd always do our thing and then she would hint for 
me to leave. We did socialize from time to time, but emotional inti- 
macy was never our thing." —male, married 


"My married lover was up-front about everything when we met at a club. 
No strings, no commitments. | liked the idea of a man not getting clingy, 
because | like my freedom. Yet | want a man who can fuck. We do lots 
of wild things. I'll dress up like a prostitute, and we'll meet at my second 


home and fuck outside during a thunderstorm. Discretion keeps us from 
acting on more public fantasies. The sex is incredible. He has a fan- 
tasy come true, we both have our own lives, and | get to fuck whomever 
else | want." —female, never married 


it's the sex, stupid 


Today nearly everybody does nearly everything—and we have the statistics 
to back it up. We asked our mainstream volunteers what sorts of acts they 
had done with their regular partners. Both sexes reported almost unanimous 
participation in kissing and intercourse; 85 percent had indulged in oral 
sex, with a similar percentage having taken showers together. More than half 
had participated in mutual masturbation, while a smaller percentage had 
watched pornography together (41 percent of males, 49 percent of females) 
or used sex toys (28 percent of males, 41 percent of females). 

On virtually every measure, more people did it with their spouse than with 
their lover. Note in particular the discrepancy of participation in oral sex. 

People who had cheated were significantly different from those who hadn't 
on almost every measure. They were more likely to have participated in oral 
sex, mutual masturbation, sex toys and porn with their regular partner. In 
addition, they were more likely to have watched themselves having sex in 
a mirror, had sex in a public place, made videotapes, posed for nude pho- 


In the past 12 months, which of the following have you 
done with your primary partner and with an outside lover? 


with regular partner with other lover 


oral: 75%М 70%Е 57%M 55%Ғ 
anal: 30%М 37%Ғ 27*M 30%Ғ 
toys: 32%M 38%F 20%M 27%F 
porn: 38%M 41%F 22*M 26% |, 


tographs or invited another person to join them and their partner for sex. 

It was a question worth exploring further. We asked our online volun- 
teers to report on the same list of behaviors but to put a time frame on 
them. What had they done with their partner in the past 12 months? What 
had they done with their outside lovers in that time? (The two questions 
allowed us to get at an old wives' tale—the notion that a second sex life 
somehow detracts from the first.) 

Some of the behaviors—watching yourself in the mirror, watching and 
appreciating the way your partner undresses, taking a shower together— 
were easily understood as something you do with an intimate. There used 
to be a notion that spouses looked outside their marriage for sex acts a 
partner would not perform. That's the polite way of saying men sought 
blow jobs—the stock-in-trade of prostitutes—or things too kinky to hoist 
on the missus. It was the stuff of foreign films. 

We tested this notion back іп 1983 in the first pap Readers’ Sex 
Survey and came away puzzled. Oral sex was a predictive factor but not 
in a way that made ready sense. Those who got and gave oral sex fre- 
quently or not at all were less inclined to stray than those who got and 
gave every now and then. At first glance it's not the need for specific 
behavior that causes partners to seek their satisfaction outside the fam- 


ily home. So why should they run the risk? When we 
asked the Playboy.com panel to describe the dif- 
ference between sex with their regular partner and 
sex with their outside interest, the results were elo- 
quent, articulate and occasionally painful. 


attitude | 
is everything 


"A lover is like flying first-class; a wife is like fly- 
ing in the baggage section." male, married 


"Sex with my husband is like balancing my check- 
book. | know it needs to be done, but doing it 
doesn't excite me in the least. | know exactly what 
he'll: до, when he'll do it and how he'll do it. With 
my lover it's spontaneous and we're both nervous 
to be caught, so we work in as much as we can 
Sexually until we meet again. And he's a lot 
rougher than my regular partner—not physically 
but more in a way that he knows what he wants 
and gets it." -female, married 


"My lover is more aggressive. She gets turned on 
quickly, and she gets wet just from a kiss or any 
touch. It's more fun and a great change. They're 
completely different people in bed. My wife likes 
to have fun, but it's too much work to get it out 
of her. With my lover our sex seems to be the most 
important thing in her life, so we make the time 
and really enjoy it." male, married 


"The sex is good, but the foreplay really gets me 
going. He gives back rubs and other things my 
husband finds boring. My husband and | have had 
sex so many times in so many different ways that 
it's almost expected. With my outside partner it's 
still a challenge to go all the way." 

female, married in open relationship 


“Му outside lover is more willing to wear risqué 


Have you ever had to explain any of 
the following to your regular partner? 


Male Female 
Scratches or marks on your body: 
2596 2596 
A phone call to your house: 
3296 33% 
E-mails: 
26% 26% 
Being seen by a friend: 

0% 23% 
Smell of your lover’s perfume 
or cologne: 

2% 19% 
Photo or souvenir: 
15% 19% 
Hotel or phone bill: 

8% 19% 
Item of clothing left behind: 
14% 13% 


Visiting sexual websites: 


6% 7% 


clothing and have sex in places outside the bed- 
room—including classrooms, public bathrooms, the 
woods, movie theaters and parked cars. And my 
outside lover is more willing to try rent things 
in bed—fetish toys, S&M, bondage, anal. My reg- 
ular partner is conservative, interested only in mis- 
Sionary sex in bed. Good but boring."—male, married 


"Different people, different sex. My wife is more 
open and adventurous—she's also bi—so there are 
few fantasies she's not willing to satisfy. Other lovers 
are learning experiences. Even at the age of 33 
there are new things to discover about sex. And 
since | share everything with my wife, including part 
ners occasionally, it's an enriching experience for 
both of us.” —male, married in open relationship 


Do you think cheating is easy? Passion clouds the 
mind. Consider this question: Have you ever called 
a lover by the wrong name? Among those who 
responded to our Playboy.com survey, 18 percent of 
the men and 23 percent of the women had, and 
about half of those were cheating. So on its own it's 
not conclusive evidence of cheating. 

Avoiding discovery is in the details. Subjects who 
got caught told us about text messages left on cell 
phones, bank statements detailing visits to an escort 
service, an unused condom left in the cab of a truck, 
a stain on the carpet after a wild night of chocolate 


Have your lover and regular partner or 
spouse ever been in the same place? 
Male Female 


No: 
4396 38% 

Yes, but my spouse/regular partner didn't know: 
35% 

Yes, and both knew: 

22% 27% 


Samta Миће, 


syrup, the experience at Starbucks that you just had 
to write down in a diary, the sexy letter from a lover 
who confessed she shaved her pussy just for you, plus 
other lovers caught in the shower, spread-eagled on 
the conference room table, half naked in the car 
parked in the garage with a lover still primed for 
action. One online poll question dealt with close calls. 

Do cheaters take precautions? About half know 
that discretion is the better part of ardor: 57 percent 


How long were you in primary relationship. 

before having an affair? 
Male Female 

Less than a year 45 

One to two years 

Three to five years 

More than five 


15% 


How many outside partners һауе you had 
since entering primary relationship? 


Male Female 
One 26 
Two to five 
Six to 10 
More than 10 n 


of the men and 44 percent of the women had told no one else about the 
affair. When confronted, one man relied on denial 


"Of course I've never been caught, nor do | plan to be. Isn't that the idea? 
There's a thing in politics we call plausible deniability. Deny, deny, deny. It 
did not officially happen until the moment you admit it." —male, married 


One fact we found to be remarkable is what we dubbed the Mrs. Robin- 
son Effect. We asked our national audience if, while single, they had 
ever knowingly had sex with a married person. One in three men and 
one in four women answered yes. This 
could be the most compelling finding іп « 
Bir survey: Ма ла females who had “SEX Ouitside 
Sex with a married person at a time when Of My serious 


they were single were far more likely to 
find sex outside their marriages (38 per relationship is 


cent of the men and 39 percent of the like a fresh taste 
women, compared with the average 24 of what other 
percent of men and 17 percent of women women have to 


in the mainstream group). 
A follow-up question asked subjects to Offer. With my 
characterize their married lover. Half ће |oyer it is very 


singles who had been “the other man” 2 
loved that their married partner was “more l'iSky, and | think 
focused on sex." Thirty percent of the sin- that adds a lot 
gles who as the other woman had enjoyed 
a married man liked the obsession with MOTE excite- 
sex. More than a third of men and women Ment. We аге 
said their married lover was "more appre- not afraid to 


ciative." A significant number (23 percent 
of males, 15 percent of females) found try new things 


married lovers to be more experienced with each other, 


than single partners у 
For some (25 percent of males, 21 per- ANA We don't 


cent of females) the need for secrecy was Care about feel- 
a turn-on, but others (19 percent of males, 

30 percent of females) found the skulking Ings. All we care 
about stressful. The notion that there is по aDOUt 15 how 


time for foreplay or talk or nagging or bal- to have the best 


ancing the checkbook underscores the «~ " 
affairs sex for sex's sake. And indeed, the SEX Every time. 


most frequently cited positive aspect of 

such affairs was “no commitment hassles” (62 percent of males, 53 per- 
cent of females). One third liked that there was no pressure and none of 
the typical escalating courtship questions. (concluded on page 173) 


"So, briefly, that's Darwin's theory of natural selection, and it helps explain 
why I’m here banging your wife...” 


121 


Somewhere in all the myths and misinformation 
we've lost the real story of Norma Jeane's transformation 


B 


REVEALED 


BY NEAL GABLER 


ven now, more than 40 years after her death, Marilyn 
Monroe is the vamp who just keeps on vamping—the 
enduring gold standard of sex appeal. Of course, Mar- 
ilyn was never just a sex symbol, any more than she 
was just a star, just an image or even just a cultural icon. 
She was, to use a term that is often applied metaphori- 
cally to celebrities but has a literal application to Mari- 
lyn, a goddess—the goddess of a near-religious cult (in the 
film Tommy, the Who posits a Church of Marilyn Monroe) 
with relics (Christie's auction house sold her driver's license 
for $145,000), a hymn (Elton John's "Candle in the Wind"), 
apocrypha and a biblical text that practically everyone in the 
world knows by heart. She even has her own crucifixion (her 
mysterious death in 1962 at the tender age of 36) and an 
ongoing resurrection. New caches of photographs are 
always being discovered, and new biographies are always 
being written. In fact, there is so much Marilyn effluvia that 
one compelling new book, The Many Lives of Marilyn Mon- 
roe, by Sarah Churchwell, an American-born scholar teach- 
ing in England, is a biography of the biographies, a text of 
the texts. As Marilyn once said of herself in what Churchwell 
uses as her epigraph, "You're always running into people's 
unconscious." Obviously Marilyn still does. 

In analyzing Marilyn biographies and Marilyn-inspired 
novels, such as Norman Mailer's masturbatory meditation 
Marilyn: A Biography (1973) and Joyce Carol Oates's 
Blonde (2000), Churchwell essentially shows how, since 
her death, Marilyn has come to be viewed retroactively— 
the death read into the life so the entire life has become a 
prelude to tragedy. Seen this way Marilyn's story is one of 
exploitation and victimization. She was used by the men 
who allegedly loved her but really only desired her, used 
by the studios that employed her, used by the public that 
worshipped her and then discarded her, used even by her- 
self. Her death, whether suicide, accident or, as many want 
to believe, the result of a nefarious conspiracy, was the 


inevitable consequence of her life. Once the pinup of sex, 
Marilyn is now our pinup of tragedy. 

At least that's the way it has been: Marilyn is a victim for all 
seasons. Feminists who hated the way the studios and mag- 
azines exploited her body, left-wing anticapitalists who hated 
the way she was packaged as a product, right-wing moral- 
ists who hated the way she was turned into a sex object, 
macabre conspiracy theorists who hated the Kennedys (with 
whom Marilyn was allegedly entangled romantically) and 
even one of her ex-husbands, Arthur Miller, who hated the 
way Marilyn had to wrestle with her image—all have piled 
on to purvey the portrait of a woman in extremis, lost to her- 
self and the world. 

But in trying to differentiate this tragic ideal of Marilyn 
Monroe from the real woman who captivated the public, one 
can read Marilyn's life another way, not backward from her 
death but forward from her birth, and it yields a very different 
picture—a less burdened Marilyn than the Marilyn Agonistes 
of the biographies and novels. In this view Marilyn can be 
perceived as powerful rather than helpless, controlling rather 
than manipulable, self-aware rather than oblivious. Not least 
of all, she can also be sexual without being tragic. She's a 
brand-new Marilyn, or rather, she's the old Marilyn now 
being rediscovered. 

In the traditional Book of Marilyn the sex and the tragedy 
are closely associated. Marilyn's childhood was dreadful. She 
was born in Los Angeles in 1926 as Norma Jeane Baker or 
Norma Jeane Mortensen—Baker and Mortensen were two 
ex-husbands of her dotty mother, Gladys—but Norma Jeane, 
named for the actress Norma Talmadge, was illegitimate. She 
never knew any father, and several biographers believe she 
spent her life searching for surrogates. Since Gladys was 
both financially and mentally incapable of caring for her 
daughter, Norma Jeane spent her youth in foster care, includ- 
ing two years at the Los Angeles Orphans Home. By some 
accounts, during a brief stay — (text continued on page 126) 


123 


“It was drafty,” said Marilyn of 
the 1949 photo shoot thot yielded 
one of modern culture's most en- 
during images, as well as PLAYBOY’s 
first Centerfold. Photographer Tom 
Kelley offered her $50 to pose on 
red velvet, the amount she needed 
to liberate her repossessed cor. 
“It’s not true | had nothing on 

she said later. “1 had the radio on. 


The seven pictures on this page are from the Kelley 
session. Using the latest digital technology, Dream 
City Photo undertook a painstaking restoration of 
Kelley's original transparencies, repairing the 
aging images and imparting a vivid clarity. It also 
seporated the double exposure, creating the 
arresting new image on the opposite page. "It's 
uniquely intriguing," says PLAYBOY Photography 
Director Gary Cole of the photo. "It's the only one 
in which she's looking directly into the camera." 


PLAYBOY 


126 


with a close friend of her mother's, the 
friend’s drunken husband sexually 
abused Marilyn one night, which added 
both another horrifying scene to the 
Dickensian tale of childhood woe and 
an element of sexuality. Meanwhile her 
mother, always fragile, had suffered a 
breakdown and been sent to a mental 
institution, where she would remain for 
most of her life, providing Marilyn's 
biographers with a genetic strand for 
the star’s eventual demise. 

Naturally the movies beckoned. 
According to the Book of Marilyn, to 
escape from the drudgery of her life and 
the feeling of being unwanted, Norma 
Jeane harbored fantasies of movie star- 
dom, especially imagining herself as 
another Jean Harlow. What she initially 
got instead of fantasy was a marriage at 
16 to a 21-year-old aircraft-factory 
worker named James Dougherty—a 
marriage effectively arranged for her by 
her mother's friend so that she would be 
taken care of. (Norma Jeane called her 
young husband Daddy.) After Dougherty 
went off to service during the war, 
Norma Jeane was working at a factory 
inspecting parachutes when a crew of 
Army photographers singled her out for 
a shoot of girls manning the assembly 
line. One of the captivated photogra- 
phers described a "luminous quality to 
her face" and encouraged her to apply 
to a modeling agency. Soon she was 
appearing in ads and on magazine cov- 
ers and had gained entrée to 20th Cen- 
tury Fox. Shortly afterward she divorced 
Dougherty. A Fox executive promptly 
renamed her Marilyn Monroe—Monroe 
for her mother's maiden name and Mar- 
ilyn because she reminded the executive 
of the stage and film star Marilyn Miller. 

Тһеп came the sex. As a contract 
player Marilyn, according to most biog- 
raphers, in essence slept her way to 
the top, having sex with various exec- 
utives and talent agents. She landed 
bit roles as cheesecake and then larger 
roles, finally getting the female lead as 
a demented babysitter in the 1952 
thriller Don't Bother to Knock, supposedly 
because her onetime paramour, 20th 
Century Fox mogul Joseph Schenck, 
insisted on it. It wasn't the perfect role 
for her talents, but it didn't matter. She 
was a star now—in part, it seemed, 
because the process of her stardom was 
palpable in her performances. Just as 
she had sold sex to the moguls, she sold 
it to the audience, іп a more titillating 
way than anyone else on-screen. 

But Marilyn was more than the latest 
avatar of sex. Like all stars' lives, hers 
became a movie too. Regarded in the 
1950s as the most desirable woman in 
the world, she married former baseball 
star Joe DiMaggio, linking one national 
icon to another, then divorced him 
and married playwright Arthur Miller, 


linking herself to yet another, very 
different icon. Her fame grew as her 
story did. Indeed she loomed so large 
in the culture that rumors of a con- 
spiracy immediately arose when she 
died; to say she died from either a 
deliberate or accidental overdose of 
barbiturates didn't seem commensu- 
rate with the centrality of her place in 
the American psyche. The conspiracy 
theorists assumed there had been an 
affair between Marilyn and President 
John F. Kennedy, the biggest icon of 
all, which most likely did occur, as 
well as one between Marilyn and the 
president's brother Robert, which is 
a bit more problematic. Depending on 
the theorist, she was killed either by 
a right-wing cabal that wanted to 
embarrass the Kennedys or by the 
Kennedys themselves, who staged her 
death to silence her. Whichever, it was 
all of a piece with her victimhood— 
the tragic youth, her mother's insanity, 
the rapacious men and now her polit- 
ical inconvenience. Marilyn was just а 
candle in a gusty wind. 


Marilyn took the open, 
playful, flirtatious, winking 
attitude of the pinup and 
mainstreamed it into the 
movies. She always seemed 
to be having innocent fun. 


Still, victimhood is a result rather 
than a meaning, and if Marilyn's death 
needed a conspiracy to justify it, Mar- 
ilyn's posthumous curse was that her 
life needed a message to justify the 
inordinate interest in her—a theme to 
the text. In effect, Marilyn had to 
become a parable. Almost all the cul- 
tural diagnosticians who have exam- 
ined her life have settled on the idea 
that Marilyn was a prime example of 
the confusion of identity in modern 
culture and that this confusion was a 
major source of her tragedy. Norma 
Jeane and Marilyn Monroe simply 
were not compatible. As she trans- 
formed herself, and let others trans- 
form her, from the natural, girlish, 
wistful Norma Jeane to the made-up, 
womanly, worldly Marilyn Monroe, she 
lost herself and wound up adrift in the 
horse latitudes of celebrity, neither 
Norma Jeane nor Marilyn Monroe. 
Divided between these selves, she 
could never be whole and ultimately 
died for it, allowing her exegetes to 
turn her into a cautionary tale of what 


happens when one is not true to oneself. 
Or as Churchwell puts it, "She will be 
destroyed by the struggle between inno- 
cence and cynicism, love and sex, light 
and dark, Norma Jeane and Marilyn...” 

According to her apostles, the second 
great lesson of Marilyn's life and her 
second great tragedy is that in meta- 
morphosing from Norma Jeane into 
Marilyn Monroe, she turned herself, or 
allowed others to turn her, into a com- 
modity rather than a human being. By 
this analysis "Marilyn Monroe" was not 
only a separate identity; it was an 
entirely new and totally artificial 
thing—a creature of platinum blonde 
hair (Marilyn's actual color was honey 
blonde), lacquered nails, Technicolor 
lips and a seductive, breathy whisper of 
a voice. Even her nose, jaw and teeth 
were enhanced. 

Once refurbished she went about 
selling herself, particularly her sex, 
which turned her into yet another cau- 
tionary tale—this one about what hap- 
pens when one thinks of oneself as an 
object, specifically an object for the 
delectation of the opposite sex. What 
happens, at least as Marilyn's feminist 
admirers viewed it, is that one ceases 
to exist except as a fantasy. One loses 
oneself. Every man's woman, Marilyn 
was finally no man's woman. Thus, as 
Clare Boothe Luce observed ironically 
in one ofthe many postmortems, the 
very symbol of happy sexuality in the 
buttoned-down 1950s died alone on a 
Saturday night: “The girl whose 
translucent beauty had made her the 
‘love object’ of millions of unknown 
lonely or unsatisfied males had no date 
that evening.” 

That, in a nutshell, has been the 
standard interpretation of Marilyn 
Monroe for nearly half a century—a 
victim of her genes, of her childhood, 
of her profession, of her image. "If 
ever there was a victim of society," Ayn 
Rand said, sounding the theme suc- 
cinctly, "Marilyn Monroe is that 
victim." But there is one big and 
inescapable problem with this view. 
Whether or not it is true, it speaks only 
to the dead Marilyn; it explains noth- 
ing about what made Marilyn the 
colossus she was in her lifetime. While 
Marilyn lived, while she was one of the 
world's most popular movie stars and 
its reigning sex queen, her life was 
obviously not informed by her death or 
even by any sense of ongoing tragedy. 
Yes, there were divorces (three of 
them), miscarriages, a breakdown, 
rumors of drug abuse and bouts with 
her studio over the money she was 
paid and the projects she was strong- 
armed into, but these are the sorts of 
stormy passages that stars routinely 
undergo; they are the stuff of celebrity 

(continued on page 148) 


WHAT А HOTGUYL AND 
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А Quik Hof poc \ ЕТІ 

AND GET PACK (o sn 
ANE OFFICE. 


on YEAH tS 
50 pie AND 
Juicy. 


So You KE 
MY HoT роб, 
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ТМ HAD ИН 
DREAMING. I'M GONNA 
ASK foR A PATE 
RIGHT Now], 


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128 


“т -” Let the colors. prints 
” ^ 


and plaids of summer 
beachwear add to your 
' o оеп bronze glow 


Fashion by 


aart 


THIS PAGE: The trunks are 

Brioni ($185), and his fedora 197% 
by Bailey ($54). THAT PAGE: ы 
His yellow shirt with embroi- 
dered floral details ($405), 
cotton sweater ($285) and 

swim trunks ($106) are all by 
Iceberg. She's in a swimsuit 

by Gottex ($180) and shoes by 
Casadei ($470). Out of the 

water, adding a hat, dressing 

up your feet or throwing on a 
shirt scores major style points. 


A, 54 


and swim briefs ($125) are by 
Michael Kors. His pants are by 
Iceberg ($285), and the belt is 
by Paul Smith Accessories 
($140). Her suit is by Aubade 
($75). THIS PAGE: He's in a shirt 
by Gran Sasso ($235), swim 
trunks by Etro ($150), sneakers 
by Brooks ($80) and glasses 
by Paul Smith Spectacles 

. Her bikini is from Rosa 

j dha by Amir Slama ($145). 


| 


: NUM | 
18 РЕ: 4% M A T 
gi ЖЧ FT v 

= УН А 


TOP AND BOTTOM STRIPS 
His swimsuit is by Boss Hugo 
Boss ($125). Hers—with silver 
hook closures—is by Aubade 
($174). ABOVE LEFT: His suit 

is by Tommy Hilfiger ($45) 

hers is by Playboy Swim 

($85). FAR RIGHT: His linen 

shirt is by Etro ($350), his 


swimsuit by Iceberg ($165) 
and his straw hat by Paul 
Smith Accessories ($225). 


RIGHT: He's spearfishing in swim 
trunks by Timberland ($40). His 
shirt is by Paul Smith ($240). 


When it comes to looking good in 
à beach town, it's all about show- 
ing a little effort as opposed to 
walking around in just your trunks. 


NEAR RIGHT 


The yellow floral- 


print bathing 
suit is by Brioni 
($185). FAR 
RIGHT: His polo 
shirt is by 

Mi 
Kors ($70). 


зе! Michael 


Paul Smith 


Accessorie: 


offers t traw 
fedora 
Hert 
Gotte 
OPPOSITE Р 

The light blue 


ini is by 


string bikini is by 


La Perla Mare 


WOMEN'S STYLING BY MERIEM ORLET 
WHERE AND HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 157, 


THIS PAGE: The striped tank 
top is by Versace ($270), the 
swimsuit by Tommy Hilfiger 
($45) and the pants Бу 
G-Star ($320). Her bikini is 
by Playboy Swim ($85). 
THAT PAGE: His black 
trunks—with green car 
detail—are by Paul Smith 
($185). She's in a gold 
sequined bathing suit by 

La Perla Mare ($524). 


у he ть A 5 а» ға a 


BY STEPHEN REBELLO 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY 
JIM WRIGHT 


ГА! 


ГІН 


THE CRANKIEST GUY IN MOVIES DISCUSSES HIS FAMOUS DAD, 
WHY ORDINARY GUYS GET THE GIRL AND MASTERING FLATULENCE ON COMMAND 


Q1 

PLAYBOY: Many moviegoers first noticed 
you in the role of Pig Vomit, Howard 
Stern's explosive program director, in 
Private Parts. Since then, especially after 
you won so much acclaim for American 
Splendor and Sideways, you've become 
even more famed for your great pissed- 
off screen persona. Do you spend much 
time being angry offscreen? 

GIAMATTI: Really, do I seem like a guy 
who's pissed off? I spend a large part of 
my life pissed off. Simple, mundane 
things drive me out of my mind—any 
sort of technology, for instance. My wife, 
who goes through life sending back food 
in restaurants, saying, *This isn't cooked 
right," claims I have some kind of weird 
electrical charge because the computer 
goes fucking haywire when I sit near it, 
like sparks suddenly fly out the back. I 
shout at politicians on TV, which proba- 
bly makes me not much different from 
other people. Anything can piss me off. 
Maybe because of my appearance I've 
liked playing people who are, well, nor 
unpleasant but misanthropic or pes- 
simistic—people not trying to be happy 
all the time. I find it interesting to see peo- 
ple being a little unpleasant on-screen. 


Q2 
PLAYBOY: You're pretty much becoming 
Hollywood’s go-to star when a script 
calls for a normal-looking guy who can 


also believably get the girl. In Sideways 
your role as a failed writer and wine 
connoisseur could have been played by a 
guy with more traditional good looks. 
GIAMATTI: When I got that part I 
thought, Who's going to believe Virginia 
Madsen would fall for me? But it was 
great that my looks weren't used as a 
gag, gimmick or joke. Hey, I could prob- 
ably lose some weight and get my teeth 
fixed, but I don't want to. I almost feel 
like it's part of my job now to look nor- 
mal. Sideways harks back to a lot of 
1970s movies, and in movie terms Jack 
Nicholson was odd-looking then. 


оз 

PLAYBOY: Whom would you switch bod- 
ies and faces with? 

СІАМАТТІ: I honest to God think it 
would be interesting to be Paris Hilton or 
Cameron Diaz, just to see what it's like to 
be one of those hottie glamour women. 
Or Jessica Simpson or Britney Spears. It 
sounds strange and warped, but I think it 
would be fascinating. What would it be 
like to walk down the street and be that 
person? The world must literally look dif- 
ferent. I'd definitely sign up for that. 


04 
PLAYBOY: What's your biggest conces- 
sion to vanity? 
GIAMATTI: Keeping my nose hairs 
trimmed, although I think I'm sporting a 


few right now. I don't make many moves 
to assuage my vanity. There's certainly a 
lot I don't like about myself physically, but 
I don't do anything about it, and that's em- 
phasized when I see myself on film. I find 
myself strange-looking. In real life I don’t 
see that so much. There was the time I 
said, “Jeez, I have no chin. I think ГЇЇ grow 
a beard and make it look like I have a 
chin." I think I look better with facial hair, 
if that's a concession to vanity. 


Q5 

PLAYBOY: Growing up, were you an irri- 
table, misanthropic little kid? 

GIAMATTI: I wasn't out there on the pep 
squad, but I wasn't a strange, miserable, 
pulling-wings-off-flies type or somebody 
who threw small furry animals into bar- 
rels of acid. I had a bit of a morbid sensi- 
bility. I was a comic-book kid. I was a little 
twisted, very much into weird creature- 
feature films, like Hammer horror movies 
with Christopher Lee as Dracula or Fu 
Manchu. My dad was into the film noir 
kinds of things, but I always thought 
those weird, colorful guys on the side, like 
Peter Lorre and Elisha Cook Jr., were the 
best things in those movies. Wherever 
Walter Brennan was seemed more interest- 
ing to me than whatever else was going on. 


06 
PLAYBOY: Your father, A. Bartlett Gia- 
matti, was (continued on page 160) 


137 


е 


By Erik Hedegaard 


Blessed with a beauty and 
screen presence that have 
helped her overcome other 
handicaps, Bai has already built 
a varied Hollywood career, play- 
ing a doomed young lover in 
Anna and the King, a pragmatic 
lawyer in Red Corner and vil- 
lains in The Crow, Wild Wild 
West and Sky Captain and the 
World of Tomorrow. She recently. 
filmed opposite Ben Affleck 

138 іп Man About Town. 


A member of the People's Liberation Army. A mental 
patient. A senator in the new Star Wars movie. A 
Sensuous woman. Ponder the identities of Bai Ling 


ot long ago tawny Chinese actress Bai Ling opened her eyes on a new 

sunny day, in her own bedroom, in her own house in Santa Monica, Califor- 

nia, which is not far from the ocean, and lay there, perfectly naked, listening 

to birds. She was 34 and a fixture on the L.A. party scene, always dressed in 

as little as possible. Back in China she had once been in the People's Liber- 
ation Army. She'd also once been in a mental institution. More recently, as an actress, 
she'd played a villain in Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow. Shortly she would appear 
in Star Wars Episode IIl: Revenge of the Sith, the last of the series; The Beautiful Country, 
opposite Nick Nolte; and a new Ben Affleck vehicle, Man About Town. At the moment, 
though, she was telling a little about herself, speaking rapidly in fractured English, and it 
was, in all ways, quite revealing because that's just the way she is. 

"Most of the time іп my room I'm naked, and sometimes here | talk to my agent or pro- 
ducers or directors, and they don't even know I'm naked,” she said. “Oh yes, I'm com- 
pletely naked in my room! 

"Oh ту God,” she continued brightly. "Last night | went to this party. | met somebody, 
a man, and we hit it off. Can | talk to you freely? It was two A.M., and we're at his place. 
He said, ‘Are you sure you want to drive home now?’ | said, ‘Are you going to be nice to 
me?’ He said, ‘Yes.’ So | stayed until morning." 

She paused. It was early in the afternoon. Outside, the birds were still singing. 

" feel like right now a one-night stand and a lifetime commitment are the same thing,” 
she said. “I'll tell you why. If anybody can make you feel that excitement—as you West- 
erners say, butterflies in the stomach, that fever in the forehead—then life is so much more 
beautiful than normal. Things have their own destiny. And for as long as it lasts—a night, 
two nights, a month or a lifetime—I feel that it's a gift. Some people say you have only one 
soul mate. For me there's probably 52 or 68. | see a lot of beauty in everyone." 

Surrounded by red sheets, she giggled throatily and said, "Because I'm Bai Ling, my 
name in English means ‘white spirit.’ | have such a free spirit. There's no law or rule. | 
love butterflies. | put them on my hair once in a while. They are so precious. But why? 
Because their life is so short. But the visual impact you remember forever. There is no 
death. It's just a transformation in how you look at it." 

Her part in Star Wars Episode ІІІ will also feature a kind of transformation. Playing a 
senator, she will appear mainly in the nude, mainly covered with tattoos, and is entirely 
thankful to have gotten the job. "People ask me how the Star Wars experience was," 
she said. “I feel like basically it is its own real world and I'm the alien dropped in from 
the sky, through the ceiling, to their city to visit for a while. It's an inverse feeling. You 
know what | mean?" 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY STEPHEN WAYDA 


Not really. But no matter, because 
really there was no time for it to matter. 
Gliding from one subject to another, she 
began to remember life in China. She 
recalled that up until the age of 10 she 
spent much of her time cavorting around 
courtyards in the nude, chasing things. "I 
chased after a dog, a chicken or a goose, 
a sheep or a squirrel or a butterfly," she 
said. Even so, she felt repressed by 
School and by her parents—her dad was 
a music teacher, her mother a dancer— 
and in her 14th year she joined the USO- 
like entertainment division of the Chinese 
army. She went to Tibet. She drank too 
much, smoked too many cigarettes, 
danced too wildly, wore her skirts too 
short, got in lots of trouble. "Constantly | 
was writing apology letters," she said, "to 
my teacher, my parents, my leaders, the 
soldiers, the governor, to everyone." She 
is writing a book about her experience, to 
be titled A Cloud Falling From the Sky: 
Dreams of Tibet. She is on page 310, with 
more to go. "My book is very sexual," she 
murmured. "Very provocative, very cruel, 
very sad, but very beautiful—oh, so many 
words tangled together!" 

And then, sitting up, she proceeded 
to tangle with many words herself. “The 
most powerful, simple way to reach a 
Zen state is by orgasm," she said dream- 
ily. "When you reach orgasm, you're 
not aware of anything. You've become a 
part of nature. It makes me feel like I'm 
in heaven. It's like everything is muted. 
That's the only word | can think of. | tell 
my lovers, ‘You mute me.’ Inside of love- 
making ! am dissolved. 

“You know,” she went on, "I just dis- 
covered that | have these eight little spir- 
its in me—a wise one, a mischievous 
опе, a sexy опе, a provocative one.... 
When | go to parties people always ask 
me, ‘Why do you dress so sexy?’ Well, 
it's just at that time the sexy girl has taken 
over. A part of me is asking, ‘Is that skirt 
too short? Is that too see-through?' And 
she's like, 'You have your underwear on. 
Everything's covered. Let's go рапу!"" 

She thought about that for a while and 
finally said, “Do you think I'm crazy?" 


After leaving the People's Liberation Army 
she began suffering from depression 
and was committed to a mental hospital. 
She was sedated and may have under- 
gone electroshock therapy. She was 
locked in strange rooms, shower rooms, 
bathrooms, hallways. Frozen in one posi- 
tion for hours on end she watched the 
snow outside her window and thought, 

(text concluded on page 150) 


iscovered that.| have these eight little spirits in me—a wise one, 
‘mischievous one, a sexy one, a provocative one.... 
go To parties people always ask me, ‘Why do you dress so sexy?’ 
Well, it’s just at that time the sexy girl has taken over.” 
See more of Bai Ling at cyber.playboy.com. 


146 


"I love it when we do the crossword puzzle together." 


A stores 


ad 
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PLAYB 


148 


MARILYN ІШІ: 


(continued from page 126) 
narrative, not of celebrity misfortune or 
calamity. Just think of Elizabeth Taylor. 

Only when one looks at Marilyn not as 
a holy ghost but as a woman who lived 
can one begin to appreciate the impor- 
tant questions about her. The very 
things her apostles now interpret as 
tragic, her fans, and Marilyn herself, 
regarded as triumphant. Take the great 
dichotomy between Norma Jeane and 
Marilyn that is said to have destroyed 
her. During Marilyn's lifetime, the press 
portrayed the transformation of Norma 
Jeane into Marilyn Monroe less as a 
crippling loss of identity than as a pow- 
erful example of the great American 
theme of reinvention. Through hard 
work and cunning, an illegitimate girl 
who had bounced from foster home to 
foster home, a girl some claim wasn't 
all that beautiful to begin with, turns 
into the most coveted and famous 
woman in the world—a real-life Cinder- 
ella. So while she was a dream girl in 
the conventional sense of fulfilling fan- 
tasies, she was a dream girl in another 
sense as well: Marilyn Monroe was the 


American dream come true—a living 
monument to the country's promise of 
self-realization. 

Similarly, what so many of her bio- 
graphical apostles saw as her commodifi- 
cation Marilyn and her fans saw as a form 
of liberation in the sexually repressed 
1950s. It was self-evident that much of 
the attention Marilyn Monroe garnered 
was focused on her voluptuous body. 
Early in her film career, when she was 
between jobs and before she was famous, 
she posed for pinups. One of the pho- 
tos—Marilyn posed against red velvet— 
emerged as a calendar in 1952, the same 
year she made Don't Bother to Knock. A 
controversy ensued—major stars at that 
time did not pose nude—which Marilyn 
defused by admitting, against her own 
studio's judgment, that it was she in the 
photograph. (This photo, of course, 
became the first PLAYBOY Centerfold.) “1 
don't want to be just for the few,” she told 
UPI reporter Aline Mosby, disarmingly 
turning her nudity into an egalitarian 
gift. “I want to be for the many, the kind 
of people 1 come from.” She was funny, 
too. "It's not true that I had nothing on,” 
she quipped when asked if she was really 
nude. “I had the radio on." 


"It's for your oum good, Miss Pember. 
Nobody will be able to use this Visa card should 
it be lost or stolen." 


Marilyn's reaction said something 
important about her appeal. At a time of 
enormous circumspection about sex, she 
didn't try to hide her participation in the 
photo session or act as if she had out- 
grown these youthful indiscretions, which 
even now is the typical gambit when an 
actress's allegedly unsavory past is 
revealed. Expressing her comfort with 
nudity—she would later relate a dream 
in which she entered a church wearing а 
hoopskirt and nothing underneath as the 
congregants lay beneath her—Marilyn 
embraced the photo and for years after- 
ward would gladly sign it. It was, in fact, 
part of what made her so popular even 
as it now drives feminists crazy: Marilyn 
Monroe helped redefine sex by letting 
people know she was fully aware of her 
commodification and accepted it as a 
kind of joke. “Т don't look at myself as a 
commodity," she once said smartly, “but 
I'm sure a lot of people have." In effect, 
just as she had defused the controversy 
over her posing, she defused the idea of 
sex as a danger in 1950s America and 
became more popular as a result. 

Though the famous calendar photo 
shows Marilyn with heavy-lidded eyes 
and half-open mouth, this was not the 
way she would come to project herself 
to her fans. She was not a siren, a 
temptress, a seductress or a femme fatale, 
though she played one in one of her early 
films, Niagara. Marilyn was something 
new and different. She took the open, 
playful, flirtatious, winking attitude of the 
pinup in less arty magazines and main- 
streamed it into American movies. Seem- 
ingly intoxicated by her own sexuality, as 
Mae West and Jean Harlow had been, 
but also naively bemused by it and at 
times even oblivious to its effect, as West 
and Harlow had not been, Marilyn Mon- 
roe always seemed to be having innocent 
fun. (It was what cultural analysts meant 
when they called Marilyn a child- 
woman.) She wasn't distant or self- 
regarding. She was available—so much so 
that near the end of her life, when she 
was a megastar, she removed the flesh- 
color body stocking she had been wear- 
ing for a scene in her last, unfinished 
film, Something's Got to Give, and appeared 
nude again. Her very last photo shoot 
was also a nude session with photogra- 
pher Bert Stern. It wasn't degradation. It 
was joy—Marilyn's gift. 

Тһе real duality, then, for Marilyn 
Monroe was not the cosmic one between 
Norma Jeane and Marilyn but the much 
more parochial one between the Marilyn 
on-screen and the Marilyn off it, and far 
from being a source of tragedy, the recog- 
nition of the difference between these two 
was one of the major sources of her pop- 
ularity. Marilyn played the dumb blonde 
on-screen; she practically invented the 
role in movies such as Gentlemen Prefer 
Blondes and How to Marry a Millionaire. But 
offscreen Marilyn made it clear that, while 
she was uninhibited and libidinous, she 


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PLAYBOY 


150 


was not stupid. She created the image; it 
didn't create her. And she resisted any- 
one, even her own husbands, who tried 
to force her into the Marilyn mold. “They 
think they arrange me to suit themselves," 
she once said about photographers in 
what could generally have served as an 
expression of Marilyn's modus operandi, 
"but I use them to put over myself." 
Because audiences knew this about Mar- 
ilyn from her interviews, knew that she 
wasn't really a bimbo, she became a sub- 
tle symbol of power—a woman who fully 
understood her wiles and who had 
learned how to use them to navigate a dif- 
ficult world. Her strength, which she 
deployed so strategically, far more than 
her much-discussed vulnerability, let peo- 
ple know they were laughing with her, not 
at her, and that made Marilyn the icon 
she was. As Rupert Allan, Marilyn's long- 
time publicist, once put it, "Under all 


LARA AS 


the frailty was a will of steel.” 

If at the end of her life Marilyn may 
have seemed a mess—and this is by no 
means an established fact—there was 
nothing inevitable or emblematic about 
it. Contrary to the biblical Marilyn, she 
wasn't a victim or a divided self or a com- 
modity—at least not to her fans. If any- 
thing, she was an aging and disappointed 
actress who was trying to assert her con- 
trol over a tough, misogynistic system. 
And to understand her popularity now, 
one has to see her not as a tormented, 
doom-laden goddess enshrouded in 
Freudian analysis but as a tough-minded 
star who, through the force of her per- 
sonality and will, managed to seduce the 
world—and rather enjoyed doing so. 
That may not be the Marilyn Monroe the 
biographers want, but it is the Marilyn 
Monroe everyone loved. 


“...Ет.. таке that two scoops.” 


BAI LING 


(continued from page 141) 
How gently the snow touches the ground. 
Other patients stole her food. She stole 
food too. She was always hungry. Soon life 
became meaningless, and she thought 
about committing suicide. Once, she went 
up toa nurse and said, "I'm not a patient; 
I'm an actress! I'm here to experience 
things for a role!" She was taken back to 
her room and locked in again. 

Upon her release she joined the Sze- 
chwan Theater Company. She began mak- 
ing movies; in 1988 she broke through, 
playing a mentally ill woman. The next 
year she took part in the Tiananmen 
Square protests and witnessed the mas- 
sacre. At the age of 21 she came to New 
York and took classes at the Lee Strasberg 
Institute. In 1997 she played a Chinese 
lawyer opposite Richard Gere in Red Cor- 
ner. The film took on China's human- 
rights abuses, and China responded by 
revoking her passport. She has dated 
singer Chris Isaak and French director 
Luc Besson. She has made love to women, 
as well as men; as the joke goes, she is Bai. 

Lounging around her bedroom, she 
said many curious, fantastical things. She 
said, "I sometimes feel so strange in L.A. 
I feel like there are no people here dur- 
ing the day, only freeways and the big 
open sky. But then in the evening, when 
you go to a party, everybody just emerges. 
from the pavement." Concerning des- 
serts she said, "My favorite is hot, hot, 
burningly hot apple tart, with cold ice 
cream. Just somehow it's extremely excit- 
ing." Concerning fondue she s The 
cheese is so soft and warm and it's like 
you're lost in it, and that's sexy.” Con- 
cerning cigars she said, "I like everything 
extreme. So when you smoke, let's smoke 
something big and strong." 

A while later, drifting away from her 
sheets, she said, “I want to tell you some 
crazy stuff that I forgot. It's something 
very interesting.” But the time for 
remembrance was past. Soon she would 
go out and then return home again, to sit. 
on her terrace and listen to the wind. 
Right now, though, she was standing in 
front of a mirror, gazing at her slender, 
naked, reflected self. 

"Sometimes I can be a little confused," 
she said. "The journey here could have 
completely messed me up, but I'm telling 
you the truth of my experience. I am 
much more simple now, much more beau- 
tiful, much more wise." Finally she looked 
at herself much more closely and said, "I 
really like my breasts and my nipples 
when it's hot and they're kind of big and 
kind of—how do you say it—upwonged? 
Upnoxious? Pernoxious? Unctnoxious? 
Oh, what's the word! No, no, not obnox- 
ious. More like oblonxious. Anyway, it's 
something full of sexuality. I see this kind 
of animal. I see the animal in me." 


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H 
D 
S 


JIGSAW 


(continued from page 100) 
photographers and filmmakers to follow 
her on some of her public escapades, post- 
ing the results on the Internet. She hangs 
out in the corner bar where she picks up 
her co-stars, as she calls them, and опе 
night she picked up Homer there. She sat 
down beside him at the bar and started 
talking with him about the utter madness 
of the so-called civilized world, striking a 
chord with Homer, and pretty soon she 
had his pants open and his sex in her 
hand, thumbing him off. She spun him on 
is stool to send his spunk flying into the 
midst of the patrons standing around the 
bar, with the consequence that they 
dragged Homer off his stool in disgust and 
thumped the daylights out of him while 
Irene sat watching from her perch, clutch- 
ing herself between her legs with both 
hands, dizzy with ecstasy and trying not to 
fall off her stool. 

Homer had had a few that night and 
was never quite sure what happened or 
how, except that he remembered thinking 
when she pulled his dick out that it was 
both completely insane and the most glo- 
rious thing that had happened to him 
since he got dumped out of puberty. The 
end result was seriously depressing, but 
then so was much of his life, so he hasn't 
been able completely to disavow it even 
though it cost him a tooth and a shiner. 
When Homer is down in the dumps, 
which is most of the time, he tries to look 
up cheerful Lily with the golden curls, who 
will sleep with just about anybody in the 
neighborhood, even a fucked-up depres- 
sive like himself, the only problem being to. 
catch her when she's free. He had her to 
himself for a while when she was house 
hunting, a lost golden age he mourns. 
"They tried out every place he took her to, 
sometimes on kitchen counters or the odd 
carpeted floor, mostly standing up on bare 
boards against a freshly painted wall beside 
curtainless windows (once he saw crazy, 
beautiful Irene passing by, dressed only in 
a wide-brimmed fluorescent orange hat 
with green flowers and purple stilettos: 
Did she know he was in there?) and when- 
ever possible in front of fitted mirrors. 
Lily's desire, not his. Homer never looks at 
one of the damned things, for he is never 
cheered by what he sees there. Lily had 
been recently divorced and said she 
wanted to be in the middle of the social 
whirl, and eventually he found her the 
perfect place, complete with pool and bed- 
rooms with mirrored ceilings, and though 
they had a lot of fun when they found it, it 
was really bad luck because that ended 
his exclusive rights. In fact, since moving 
in she has seemed only to be tolerating 
him, so even the occasional happy moment 
with her is cause for further gloom. 
Homer knows what Victor is looking for 
and has a line on a property that might 


TO 


WHERE 


BUY 


Below is a list of retail- 
ers and manufacturers 
you can contact for 
information on where to 
find this month's mer- 
chandise. To buy the | 
apparel and equipment 
shown on pages 38, 
53-56, 128-135 and 
178-179, check the list- 
ings below to find the 
stores nearest you. 


M 
AGN 


SHORE THINGS 

Pages 128-135: Aubade, 
aubadeus.com. Bailey, 
baileyhats.com. Boss 
Hugo Boss, 800-нисо- 
Boss. Brioni, available 
at Brioni boutiques. 
Brooks, brooksrunning 
.com. Casadei, available 
at Macy's West. Etro, 
212-317-9096. Gottex, 
800-225-7946. Gran 


іш” 


GAMES 

Page 38: BK-A6 online fitness bike, 
nexfit.com. Capcom, capcom.com. 
Groove Games, groovegames.com. 
Kasumi 3-D gel mouse pad, tecmo 
games.com. Kilowatt, powergrid 
fitness.com. Konami, konami 
.com. Majesco, majesco.com. 
Microsoft Game Studios, xbox.com. 
SCEA, us.playstation.com. Your- 
self! Fitness, yourselffitness.com. 


MANTRACK 

Pages 53-56: Arenot, arenot 
.com. Loring Wine Company, 
loringwinecompany.com. Periv- 
olas, perivolas.com. Porsche, 
porsche.com. RAZRWire, hello 
moto.com. Ronald Schmitt, 919- 
781-6822. S.T. Dupont, st- 
dupont.com. Ulysse Nardin, 
ulysse-nardin.com. 


CREDITS: PHOTOGRAPHY BY: P. 3 PATTY BEAUDET-FRANCE! 
PHOTOS. DAN MACMEDAN/CONTOUR PHOTOS, DAVID TURNE 
BIS, STEPHEN WAYDA (2); P. 11 ELAYNE LODGE (01, JAMIE MCCARTHY/WIREIMAGE.COM (2), JAMES TREVENEN 


Sasso, gransasso.it. 
G-Star, 212-219-2744. Iceberg, 
310-274-0760. La Perla Mare, 
laperla.com. Michael Kors, available 
at Neiman Marcus. Paul Smith, 
212-627-9770. Playboy Swim, 
playboystore.com. Rosa Cha by 
Amir Slama, available at Rosa Cha 
Miami. Timberland, 800-445-5455. 
Tommy Hilfiger, 888-TOMMY-4U. 
Versace, versace.com. 


POTPOURRI 
Pages 178-179: Boom Bag, 
viasf.com/boombags. Dogfish Head, 


dogfish.com. Galatoire’s, 504-525- 
2021. Hugo Boss, 800-484-6267. 
Keen, keenfootwear.com. Mark 1, 
actiongear.com. Montrail, montrail 
.com. Pentax, pentax.com. Poker 
Academy, poki-poker.com. Putt- 
Her, blueballsports.com. Z Zegna, 
saksfifthavenue.com. 


MATHIEU BOURGOIS, JONATHAN EXLEY/CONTOUR 
P. 5 ARNY FREYTAG, HELMUT NEWTON; P. 6 COR- 


(4); P. 12 ELAYNE LODGE (5), JAMIE MCCARTHY/WIREIMAGE COM 15), JAMES TREVENEN (4), P. 15 CLAY PATRICK 
MCBRIDE; P. 16 GUIDO ARGENTINI; P. 21 AP/WIDE WORLD PHOTOS, COURTESY OF AKADEMICS, P. 22 COURTESY 
OF BLOOMSBURY (2), COURTESY OF МОТО, GETTY IMAGES (21; P 24 FOXCOURTESY OF EVERETT COLLECTION 
INC... DENNIS ROLIFF (2); P. 25 CORBIS, COURTESY OF DOYLE NEW YORK, GETTY IMAGES, NEWSCOM; P. 27 62005. 
PARAMOUNT/COURTESY EVERETT COLLECTION, INC., 62005 TM в COPYRIGHT e20TH CENTURY FOX FILM CORP 
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED, OUNIVERSAUCOURTESY EVERETT COLLECTION, INC.: P. 28 OCOLUMBIA PICTURES/COUR- 
TESY EVERETT COLLECTION, INC., ©NEW LINE CINEMA/COURTESY EVERETT COLLECTION, INC., PARAMOUNT, 
SONY PICTURES CLASSICS/COURTESY EVERETT COLLECTION, INC. VINCE VALITUTTUWARNER BROS., OWARN- 
ЕЯ BROS /COURTESY EVERETT COLLECTION, INC. Р. 30 COURTESY EVERETT COLLECTION, INC., OLIONS GATE/ 
COURTESY EVERETT COLLECTION, INC., 02001 NBC/COURTESY EVERETT COLLECTION, INC, 02004 HBO/COUR- 
ТЕЗУ EVERETT COLLECTION. INC. 02004 TOUCHSTONE/COURTESY EVERETT COLLECTION, INC., 02005 FOCUS 
FEATURES/COURTESY EVERETT COLLECTION, INC, P. 33 COURTESY EVERETT COLLECTION, INC., OLIONS 
GATE/COURTESY EVERETT COLLECTION, INC.. OUNIVERSAUCOURTESY EVERETT COLLECTION, INC. (2); P. 34 CLAY 
PATRICK MCBRIDE/RETNA LTO.: P. 53 GEORGE GEORGIOU, Р. 54 CJEFF SLOCOMB/RETNA LTD; P. 56 GEORGE GEOR- 
GIOU, MATT WAGEMANN; P. 64 PAUL BUCWAFPIGETTY IMAGES; P. 65 AP/WIDE WORLD PHOTOS, CORBIS, GETTY 

P. 67 AP/WIDE WORLD PHOTOS, COR- 
P. 68 AP/WIDE WORLD PHOTOS 1161, RICHARD ELLIS/GETTY IMAGES, MICHAEL KLEINFELD/ 
UPULANDOY, CHRIS KLEPONIS/BLOOMBERG/LANDOV, P. 72 MIZUNO, P. 73 PETER DEJONG/AP/WIDE WORLD PHO- 
TOS, INC.: ғ 79 AP/WIDE WORLD PHOTOS; P. 80 CORBIS, GETTY IMAGES. REUTERS/NEWSCOM, JERRY WOLFORD/ 
POLARIS IMAGES; P. 94 ТМ а OLUCASFILM LTD. 14), TM а OLUCASFILM LTD/GETTY IMAGES (3), ТМ В OLUCAS- 
FILM LTD /KOBAL (2), P. 95 TM а OLUCASFILM LTD., TM а CLUCASFILM LTD /GETTY IMAGES (3), TM а OLUCASFILM 
LTO/KOBAL 14); P. 96 HERSHENSON/ALLEN ARCHIVE, TM а OLUCASFILM LTO., ТМ а OLUCASFILM LTD/GETTY IM- 
AGES, 


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151 


PLAYBOY 


work for him, but he really doesn't want 
more competition for Lily's time. He has 
other options, though even more depress- 
ing—he can let Irene mess him up again, 
for example—and fresh clients are always 
coming along who are excited by the glam- 
our of empty rooms and good for a quick 
one-off. But Lily is the only one who can 
lift him out of himself, and he needs her 
from time to time as a junkie needs a fix. 
The property Homer has in mind for 
Victor belongs to a gynecologist named 
Oscar, who is thinking of selling up and 
changing neighborhoods while he still 
has a reputation and a practice left and 
before some husband shoots him. Oscar 
knows the real-estate agent is somewhat 
enthralled by that wiry exhibitionist who is 
often seen, out on the street or in the cor- 
ner bar, as stitchless as the women in his 
private examination room, and admittedly 
there is something electric about the little 
sprite, but though intense, perverse 
women appeal to him, the kicks she deliv- 
ers are not really where Oscar's appetites 
lie. Oscar needs physical pain, not mere 
humiliation. The lash arouses him, giving 
or receiving, bondage does. The apparati 
of dominatrices give him an erotic charge, 
and he keeps his own doctor's office 
stocked with exotic toys. He takes his pun- 
ishment from professionals and deals it out 
to willing submissive women. Of whom 
there are never few. He is not cruel—he 
is a healer, after all—and in fact the threat. 
of pain, especially when one is helpless, is 
always more stimulating than pain itself, as 
his women all agree, no matter their 
predilections, but there has to be real pain 
from time to time to make the threat of 
pain more than a game of make-believe. It 
was Sheila who taught him that principle 
by strapping him over a velvet horsing 
stool the first time he consulted her and 
whipping him till he screamed. Now just 
the strapping, the feel of velvet against 
his groin, the sight and sound of the whip, 
do it for him. Her foot between his shoul- 
der blades, her heated curling iron. He will 
miss Sheila if he leaves the neighborhood. 
As will Wanda miss her doctor if he goes. 


She went to him for a checkup, fearful she 
might have caught something from a 
casual, almost accidental fling with a sad 
sack who came to give an estimate on their 
home at a time when her husband was 
worried his bank might be transferring 
him to another branch. She was right; 
she has had to go back every week for 
further treatment. Call it that. It's pretty 
awesome. Getting a dose was maybe the 
most interesting thing that has ever hap- 
pened to her, if she really did and he didn't 
just make it up to keep her coming back. 
Whatever, no matter. On her first visit the 
doctor asked her to strip down completely, 
and he buckled her to an examining table 
with her legs spread apart and her knees 
up. She had left her socks on, and he 
peeled them away slowly, one by one—as 
if skinning her, making her more naked 
than she ever thought she could be—all 
the while watching her somberly through 
his thick glasses as she went wet between 
the legs. Then he put little clamps on her 
to open her up and poked all sorts of 
things up her, including his whole hand, 
his fingers pushing and probing. It hurt, 
and she knew he was trying to hurt her, 
but his crisp white jacket was open, and she 
could see he was enormously excited and 
there was a kind of fire in his goggly eyes, 
and that excited her, too. Her total help- 
lessness did. It was like being trapped in 
somebody else's nightmare, terrifying but 
excitingly vivid. He could kill her, she 
knew, and she could do nothing about it. 
She was at his mercy, and he doesn't seem 
to have a lot of that. Being what he wants 
her to be is what protects her. 

Sheila also hopes the doctor will stay. He 
is one of her most responsive and mal- 
leable clients, and he pays well. Love 
doesn't factor into it, never does. If any- 
thing, Sheila has the corner of her eye on 
Odette. Most of Sheila's men are pathetic 
little self-hating wimps, which is to say they 
are also in love with themselves; they often 
like to watch their punishment in mirrors. 
She hates them and finds a certain satis- 
faction in castigating their flabby suburban 
souls and corrupt, pallid flesh, but no 


pleasure. Igor is by nature a tougher sort, 
though still a narcissist, one of those 
pompous self-made men these neighbor- 
hoods are always full of, but he wants only 
to be tied up in leather thongs and pad- 
dled from time to time. He says it reminds 
him of his school days and makes him feel 
like a kid again. He really doesn't have a 
clue about the true nature of her art, 
which is about progression, not regres- 
sion. It takes an unusual imagination to Бе 
able to grasp that and go with it, and the 
doctor is so endowed. Not only has she 
been able to push him into greater and 
greater depths of depravity and pain 
(which is Sheila's definition of growing 
up), she finds she is learning from him as 
she goes, not about technique but about 
the deeper meaning of her art. Which ас 
some level is about love, after all. 
Odette, like big Sheila, who frightens 
her with her strange sideways glances, is 
also a businesswoman, but she has much 
less personally at stake. It's just a job. Art 
she doesn't know, though skills, yes. She 
is good at her work and, in this expensive 
neighborhood, well paid for it. No one has 
ever complained, and they keep asking for 
her services. In fact, she makes more 
money than the guy she lives with, which 
helps keep the arrogant pig in his place. 
Mostly it's just the old slap and tickle with 
a few toys of the trade thrown in, but she 
has her inevitable share of perverts, too, 
and can roll with that, though she has her 
limits. Fantasy's okay, dressing up is, if guys 
want to wear panties and high heels, fine, 
and she lets her clients choose their 
favorite orifices, it's all the same to her. She. 
even tolerates the old guy with the han- 
dlebars who tries to sell her insurance on 
her asshole while buggering her (she also. 
services his subordinate, a regular guy who 
wants only to get his rocks off, and she fig- 
ures if she could talk them into it she could 
take on both of them at once and make 
double the pay). But Odette hates pain of 
any kind and doesn't understand how peo- 
ple can be turned on by it. Some guy 
smacks her bottom, that sucker is out of 
there and he's not coming back. Pinches, 


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PLAYBOY 


154 


love bites, bruising, same thing. House 
rules. Dishing it out is not fun for her 
either, for she has a tender heart, but she 
has a customer who wants it that way, and 
she submits to the idea only because it's 
part of the profession and he's a big 
spender. He likes her to wear a riding 
helmet and boots and get on his fat, hairy 
back and swat his withers with a riding 
crop. Odette imagines him to be the thug 
she lives with and is able to lay it on him 
with vindictive vigor at least for a stroke or 
two, but then she just gets bored and is 
reduced to draping him over her lap and, 
while examining her nails, stubbing out 
cigarette butts on his behind. 

Lily shares a lot of Odette's aptitudes 
and attitudes (she doesn't know this; they 
have seen each other at a distance, shop- 
ping in the neighborhood boutiques, but 
have never spoken), though she would 
never think of charging money for any of 
it and in fact often helps out her lovers, 
especially quality studs like the guy who 
comes to fix her plumbing and clean her 
pool or the sweet melancholic boy from 
the bookstore who brings her books she 


never reads and adores her madly, or so 
he says. And why not? She is indeed 
adorable. Not all her lovers are so desir- 
able, and once they've had a little fun 
together some of these guys seem to think 
they own her and are hard to get rid of. 
"That bluesy dork who sold her her house, 
for example, worse than her ex-husband. 
She should probably be more discrimi- 
nating, but it's really not in her nature. As 
for the neighborhood doctor, Lily also 
hopes he'll stay. He's a beastly sonuvabitch 
and has truly weird ideas (she'll never for- 
get the time she went to him for an exam- 
ination when she thought she was 
pregnant! it's a good thing she wasn't!), 
and she likes pain even less than Odette, 
taking just about everything there is for it, 
even when she's not suffering any. But the 
doctor makes up for the rough stuff by 
providing her with all the painkillers, 
antibiotics, amphetamines, tranquilize: 
and contraceptives she wants, and he just 
fills out the pattern of the neighborhood 
somehow. She's not sure she'd be who she 
is if he left. Everything happens around 
Lily and her swimming pool, and he is 


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something of what happens, and now that 
she has located herself here and is happy 
she wants everything to stay that way. 

If Lily is surrounded by lovers and 
admirers, no one even notices Evelyn. 
Sometimes when she can get a babysitter 
she goes to the Tuesday-night literary-soci- 
ety meetings and sits in the back of the 
room, and they don't even know she is 
there. Shop clerks look right through her. 
She could walk down the street in her 
birthday suit, like that wild little girl on the 
other side of the neighborhood, and peo- 
ple would not even tip their hat. Not that. 
she ever would do that. She is happy being 
nondescript and unnoticed. It was she who 
chose this house far from the center of 
things, even though it's not in the nicest 
part of town. She stays at home and keeps 
house and makes fruit jellies and feeds the 
children when they come home from 
school and tends the back garden and. 
watches television and waits for Victor, who. 
is gone a lot of the time now, to return 
from his travels. So just how she ended up. 
in bed in the middle of one morning with 
her husband's boss, Evelyn 
is not the sort of thing that ever happens. 
to her, but then no one has ever asked 
before, so maybe it might have happened 
all the time. It began almost as soon as they 
moved іп, on the day Victor left on one of 
his sales trips; it was as if he were there 
waiting for her. He was very persuasive, 
and somehow she felt cornered. Didn't she 
want to help her husband, she was asked, 
and wasn't this the easiest way to do it? It's 
true, Victor has kept getting raises ever 
since, though she has seen less and less of 
him. Not that she misses him all that much. 
When he is home he complains all the time 
about all the traveling he is being asked 
to do, about the stupid street they live on 
and about that nuisance of a widow next 
door who doesn't seem to be able to 
change a lightbulb for herself. And then he 
is no sooner here than gone, and even as 
his car is pulling out of the drive, there's 
her husband's boss back in her bed again, 
pulling on one of his big brown cigars, let- 
ting the ash fall where it may and mostly 
on her chenille bedspread. He likes to do 
dirty things, but then so does Victor. Eve- 
lyn has always had the feeling she has 
never met the right man in her life. 

Lucille is one of those who have failed to 
notice Evelyn at the literary-society meet- 
ings, but then she fails to notice just about 
anyone there other than her beautiful 
young poet, who conducts the meetings. 
Lucille, at a time in her life when she 
thought romance was a thing of the past, 
has found herself quite astonishingly head 
over heels in love. It is a love unlike any she 
has ever known, so profound and moving 
it almost makes her bones ache. They just 
fit in all ways, and he adores her as she 
adores him. But it is also an ill-fated love, 
for it has no logical outcome: She is a hap- 
pily married woman with children (whom 
she has been neglecting, she knows, drop- 
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156 


babysitters; she must do something about 
that), and sooner or later they will have to 
bring this divine madness to an end. But 
not now, not now; it would break her 
heart—and his. Of late at the society, they 
have been discussing a book by a Russian, 
and Lucille has wanted to protest that she 
doesn’t think an older man seducing a 
child is very nice, but then she realizes that 
her relationship with Rick is not much dif- 
ferent and she has no right to be critical. 
Rick is so tender about her age, much 
nicer than the girl in the novel. He kisses 
her wherever time has made its mark and 
gasps with wistful joy when he fondles 
her breasts, which in truth have seen bet- 
ter days. When they first made love and he 
was so eager to see everything, she worried 
about her stretch marks, but he wrote a 
poem about them, which was the sweetest 
thing. It was just for her; he didn’t publish 
itin the Sunday supplement, thank good- 
ness. She still finds jobs for Pavel to do, but 
that's like a separate part of her life, some- 
where she goes from time to time, like to 
the movies—or, better said, to the library, 
for her time with the handyman amounts 
to a kind of self-study and search for the 
true breadth and meaning of love while she 
is still young enough (she feels so young!) 
to do so. Lucille thought she was tired of 
her body, but suddenly she just loves it. 
Pavel is in great demand in the little 
community, a craftsman much appreciated 
who can crack any problem, but when he 
doesn't have jobs to do and his woman is 
plying her trade and he can't go back to the 
house, he often goes for a swim in Lily's 
pool. Provided that Lily, the hottest piece 
in the neighborhood, is not entertaining 
some other guy. Pavel likes to swim bare- 
assed, watched admiringly by the divorcée, 
also in the altogether, which she wears well. 
He has often told her she could make a 


killing on the game, but she only smiles and 
says she has enough money and doesn't 
like the business world. Sometimes she 
jumps in the pool with him and they thrash 
around a bit in the way kids do, but mostly 
she just squats at the edge of the pool with 
her drink in one hand and his in the other, 
and he comes by from time to time to give 
hera lick to salt his drink and tell her what 
a princess she is and what a sweet coozie 
she has. The handyman follows the old 
tule of love, treating sluts like ladies and 
ladies like sluts, and though he doesn't suc- 
ceed too well at the first part, he is a mas- 
ter of the second. And anyway it works with 
Lily either way; she’s a happy girl. She likes 
it all ways when it comes to the main fea- 
ture, but above all after a cool hit or two 
(she has her own steady supplier, whom 
Pavel taps into indirectly) on her big round 
satin-sheeted bed under the ceiling mirror. 

Rick has been there, gazing up through 
Lily's thighs at himself, what he could see 
of himself, his hands squeezing the cheeks 
of her bottom, her head with its tight 
blonde curls, matching those now scuffing 
his chin, bobbing away between his raised 
knees like a—what? Like an animated 
merkin, a word he has discovered in a 
book he's reading and hopes he's using 
correctly. It was a dazzling sight, and һе 
felt as he sometimes feels when sitting 
beside her pool, gazing into its cerulean 
depths: as if he is being sucked down (ог 
up) into the vortex of...of...what did that 
Norwegian writer call it? A maelstrom. 
Тһе dizzying maelstrom of love. From 
which there is no escape, only surrender. 
When Lily walked into the bookstore and 
went straight to the back, where they keep 
the more salacious material, he fell imme- 
diately in love with her and told her he 
adored her, and the next thing he knew, 
there he was, under the mirror. Of course, 


"Sometimes you have to jiggle the handle." 


his true love is Lucille; with her he feels 
like Lancelot with Queen Guinevere. It is 
a noble passion that lifts him above him- 
self, and he is utterly devoted to her and 
will love her forever. Even if forever, as һе 
knows, is merely a literary convention. 
Her fading beauty breaks his heart. Some- 
times, gazing at her during an embrace 
while kissing away her worry lines, tears 
come to his eyes. Lily he thought of at first 
as just a kind of adventure on the side, a 
bit of casual sallying forth of the errant 
sort, but he underestimated love's over- 
mastering force, as so many characters in 
novels do, usually to their regret, for in 
spite of himself he has come to love her 
madly, adoring her with all his heart, as 
she adores him. She quite literally lifts his 
spirits, not only with the little pills she 
gives him (so you won't be so sad, she says) 
but also with her lightness of being, her 
sweet vulnerability, her tender incarnation 
of impermanence, ephemerality, the 
phantom self, the human tragedy. 

Not all love is so ennobling or inspir- 
ing. Rick knows this. He has read a lot 
of books about the perverse side of love, 
its depravities and obsessions, and so he 
was not completely surprised when he 
also fell under the spell of a strange, wild 
enchantress in the bar on the corner by the 
bookstore. Rick often stops in the bar for a 
few drinks after work to meditate on the 
puzzle of life, that grand enigma, trying to 
put the pieces together, as one might say, 
and one night, one thing following upon 
another, he found himself making mad, 
passionate love to the frenetic creature in 
the lit street window of his bookstore, right 
in the middle ofa display of popular books 
on religion and mysticism and before a fas- 
cinated audience out in the street, an audi- 
ence that eventually included the police. 
He was arrested and lost his job at the 
bookstore, but he got it back again when 
Lily talked to the owners and bought a 
thousand dollars’ worth of cookbooks. 
That should have been the end of it, es 
cially when he discovered the entire dis. 
play-window episode on the Internet (his 
face is thankfully somewhat obscured; 
Lucille may not recognize him and proba- 
bly knows nothing about compute: 
way), but even though the bew 
nymph is dragging him down into the 
baser side of himself and into further dan- 
ger, he has kept going back to the bar; he 
can't stop himself. He is completely in her 
power. She is a veritable spider woman, a 
Circe, a voracious Lorelei (he has written 
a prose poem called “The Succulent Suc- 
cubus," but the Sunday supplement has 
not yet accepted it). And the terrible truth 
is he loves her no less than any of the oth- 
ers and has told her so, choking up with 
the emotion of it even as she tied him to 
the lamppost, and he fears there may be 
no end to his capacity for that notorious 
and enigmatic affection. He feels like an 
unhappy character in a postmodern novel, 
condemned to live forever inside a form 
he cannot escape. A man by love possessed. 


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PLAYBOY 


158 


Wanda is also a prisoner of strange love, 
but what or who she is in love with she 
can't quite say. It is not exactly the doctor, 
who is not even attractive and has very 
hairy hands, but more like some kind of 
terrible, compelling power that is inside 
him like a demon and that overwhelms her 
and makes her feel as though she is melt- 
ing. Each time she has been back for a 
checkup, he has found new things to do 
with wires and big steel things and clamps 
and needles and a little stiff whip like а 
magician's wand that he uses on her when 
giving her hot enemas, and even before 
the straps are buckled she is already hav- 
ing the most ferocious orgasms and at the 
same time peeing herself in terror. She has 
never known anything like it. Her hus- 
band will make love only if she works at 
arousing him, and then always passively, 
with her on top doing everything. It's 
hardly worth it. It's as if he's never gotten 
over his nursemaid giving him his baths 
and pinching his little nipples. The doctor 
won't let her touch him—in fact, she can't, 


locked down like that—but sometimes he 
gets too excited, especially when she starts 
to cry, and he has to excuse himself for a 
minute, after which he is always crueler 
than ever. It is а quirky sort of love. They 
never talk about what they are doing; they 
Just silently play their parts—her shameful 
sickness, his furious treatments—like 
naughty Іше kids playing doctor. 
Though his wife ridicules his passivity, 
Alan has also learned about love through 
playacting. In fact, it might be said he seeks 
Wanda's ridicule, for that was always part 
of his nursemaid's games as well, she heap- 
ing playful scorn upon him even as she 
dallied with him, insisting always that he 
lie utterly still and be completely silent or 
she wouldn't play with him anymore. All 
of this happened long ago in his parents’ 
house far away in the center of the city, but 


he has tried to re-create something of 


that house in his own little corner of the 
world, even down to the old-fashioned 
bathroom fixtures and the children's- 
book illustrations of dying maidens and 


“Yeah, well, I didn't expect the “Something Blue’ to be 
a movie with you in it!” 


wounded knights on the bedroom walls. 
His upbringing has made him a circum- 
spect and courteous person and so has 
served to raise his prestige at the bank 
(he is the quiet, wise man to whom one 
comes for advice) while at the same time 
depriving him ofany ambition, making 
advancement seem a kind of vague threat 
to his tranquility. When it is offered, he 
always politely but resolutely turns it down. 
Which also provokes his wife's derision, in 
spite of all the expensive gifts he buys her. 
She is not Alan's first wife, of course. They 
come and go, claiming mental cruelty 
and taking away substantial portions of 
his wealth, and Wanda will no doubt soon 
follow. She has been ill of late, though 
ominously she won't say of what, and 
has become quite distracted, unwilling or 
unable to play their little games or even 
give him his baths, so for lack of any other 
outlet (he is attracted to the pretty young 
divorcée who has recently moved into the 
neighborhood, but he could never 
approach her, much less touch her) he 
has taken to visiting a professional lady in. 
the neighborhood who specializes in var- 
ious forms of humiliation. What he asks 
of her is so little it is no doubt an insult 
to her talents, and she clearly despises 
him for it (he watches her in the mirrors, 
not himself), but it is that loathing per- 
haps more than the punishment or sim- 
ple humiliation that he seeks. 

Lucille, sitting in the bookstore coffee 
lounge with her young lover, has finally 
decided she must put her life in order 
and bring an end to her adultery (even the 
word shocks her, often as she has seen it 
written), which threatens, she knows, to. 
destroy her marriage. She has already can- 
celed Pavel's next visit and gotten the name 
of a new handyman who is said to be old 
and fat, and she has booked a day at the 
zoo with the children (she feels as though 
she hardly knows them!), a day previously 
devoted each week to Rick. This is a nice 
community, full of bankers and lawyers and 
doctors and business executives and real- 
estate brokers, and she worries that her 
behavior will become known and embar- 
rass her husband and turn the happy life 
she and Larry have created for themselves 
into a kind of French-novel nightmare. She 
also worries that Larry might already have 
guessed something of what was happening, 
perhaps sensing her infidelity in the dimin- 
ishing intensity of their own romance, for 
the normally high-spirited fellow has 
acquired a certain tender, wistful demeanor 
(which is attractive to her, even though she 
feels accused by it), and she almost wishes 
he might have an affair and so make her 
feel less guilty about her own. While trying 
to get up the courage to tell Rick (how 
lovely he is! how she adores him!) that it's 
over, she sips her cappuccino and listens to 
him explain his theories about the neigh- 
borhood. Certainly he knows а lot about 
the place just from the books people are 
reading, and it is his belief, he says, that 
something is being spelled out and he has 


been trying to piece it all together. You're 
Lucille, and I'm Rick, he says. That's 
important. Of course it is, she smiles, 
touched. No, I mean it wouldn't work if it 
were the other way around. Goodness, I 
can't even imagine it! No, he says, and he 
smiles. I can't either. I only meant...well, it 
may be something significant or it may not, 
but it doesn't matter. Life, like literature, 
he says, taking her hands in his, is often 
quite frivolous. She finds his theories 
amusingly paranoid, reminiscent of a con- 
temporary writer they have been dis- 
cussing in the literary society, and is about 
to say so when a girl comes in wearing only 
a short, nearly transparent nightie. Maybe 
that sort of thing is the fashion nowadays, 
but it doesn't belong in this neighbor- 
hood, and it has poor Rick, who has let 
go of her hands and sprung to his feet, 
completely flustered. The girl, after tak- 
ing in blushing Rick, turns and gives 
Lucille the most wicked grin, as though 
she knows everything, and Lucille is sud- 
denly afraid it's already too late. Are 
those cameras? It is a moment when 
Lucille has a sudden understanding of 
the phrase “Му heart stood still!” The girl 
has an arm around Rick and seems to be 
taking his trousers down. Lucille doesn't 
know whether to rush over and defend 
her lover (her ex-lover, she is already 
thinking) from this scandalous attack or 
to flee, her research project concluded. 
Larry is home alone, just removing a 
reheated cup of coffee from the micro- 
wave, Lucille having left for her usual 
afternoon of shopping and browsing in 
the bookstore, when the widow from next 
door turns up, bursting in through his 
kitchen door with a somewhat desperate 
look on her face. Larry, whose changed 
demeanor has in truth been due to an 
unwonted commingling of pleasure and 
regret, has been staying away from the 
widow of late, fearful that Lucille might get 
suspicious. Lucille is a good reader, and his 
face, he knows, is an open book. Moreover, 
he has no doubt been seen going in and 
out of Opal's house rather too often, and 
this is the sort of neighborhood where any 
sort of irregular romantic behavior would 
naturally be frowned upon, even if it had 
to do with being of assistance to a poor 
lonely widow who deserved everyone's 
sympathy. Opal says now she is afraid there 
might be a mouse behind the refrigerator 
and she is terrified and needs his help and 
why hasn't he been by recently? He tries to 
explain, but she breaks into tears and falls 
weakly against his chest with her arms 
around him. Such a soft, willowy creature, 
he cannot find it in his heart to be cruel 
to her. I'm so sorry, she whispers. I'm such 
a slut, I know it. I just want to fuck all the 
time and blow people's cocks off, and, well, 
whatever, you name it, I don't care what 
you do! Even as she says these outrageous 
things, Opal somehow sounds as demure 
and innocent as ever. Where, Larry won- 
ders as the widow undoes his belt buckle, 
did she learn such language? She must 


have had other visitors. She has also 
learned some new things she never did 
before. Which is how it is that he's stand- 
ing in the kitchen with a cup of lukewarm 
coffee in his hand, his pants around his 
ankles and his penis in Opal's mouth, 
thinking that life is amazing and com- 
pletely inscrutable, when he hears his wife 
come in through the front door. He tries 
to remember what it was he'd planned to 
say if ever he had to explain things to her, 
but his mind is a complete blank. 

Capricious. Malicious. Vicious. Deli- 
cious. Perverse. Curse. Verse. Or worse. 
Gross. Eros. Is that a rhyme? Hmm. A 
dose is. Verbose. No, she is not verbose. 
She's ribald. He scribbled. Improper. A 
showstopper. А whirly girly. Illicit. So kiss 
it. Don't miss it. Obscene Irene. Lean 
and mean. She's offbeat. Indiscreet. Street 
meat in heat. Rick is sitting all alone beside 
Lily's pool like the period at the end of a 
sentence, tripping (ripping? flipping?) 
on her little pills and searching for the 
right words (it's easy, they're flying all 
about him) to describe the crazy creature 
from the corner bar for a lyric he is writ- 
ing, probably not for the Sunday supple- 
ment. In fact, he is entering a new phase 
of his poetical career, to which he is at the 
moment able to devote himself full-time, 
and the Sunday supplement is probably 
not part of it. He is in the diabolic frolic 
phase, writing his exciting, bizarre mem- 
oir, searching for the absurd furred bird 
word. Oh man! It has been an amazing 
day! He has lost his job again, but Lily, 
who is off to the doctor to restock her 
medications (that's right, the doctor 
restocked her; he unlocked her, shocked 
her, mocked her, rocked her—Rick is on a 
roll, he has never felt so creative or so 
wise, for he's got the picture now, he has 
put it all together, he can read the neigh- 
borhood), promises to get his job back 
for him one way or another. As Lily says, 
they need him to run the literary society; 
he makes them a lot of money getting all 
those ladies in the neighborhood to buy 
new books each week, and thanks to Irene 
he even has a certain celebrity status now 
as a kind of Internet amateur porn star 
that makes it difficult for them to ignore 
him. They have no choice. And that's not 
all that’s illumined his day. Even as his 
pants came down in front of Irene's cam- 
era crew, his true love and muse suddenly 
called off their romance to return to her 
husband, which was terribly distressing in 
the midst of all his other troubles, and he 
thought that Irene had spoiled things for- 
ever with Lucille, but then 15 minutes 
later his dearly beloved was back again 
and dragging him into the stockroom for 
the most beautiful time they have ever had 
together. She was really fired up (love's 
great mystery, what can he say, that old 
cliché, the poet's métier), and they'd be 
locked up in there still if she hadn't had to 
go home to get her gutters cleaned. 


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160 


PAUL GIAMATTI 


(continued from page 137) 
president of Yale University from 1978 to 
1986 and commissioner of Major League 
Baseball from 1988 to 1989. Which of 
those gigs brought you the best perks? 
GIAMATTI: The coolest cachet came from 
baseball. People are still far more 
impressed with that. They say things like 
"Going to baseball games all the time must 
have been great." Baseball was hard to 
avoid in my house, so by default I was 
interested, but I'm not a huge baseball fan. 
Sadly, it didn't help at all with girls, but by. 
the time my father was baseball commis- 
sioner I had a pretty serious girlfriend, 
so I was all set up. I didn't need any help. 


Q7 
PLAYBOY: So you won the ladies in real life, 
too. How much did acting help you score? 
GIAMATTI: Growing up I didn't know 
where I was headed, except to the grave 
or maybe to the gutter. I went through 
wanting to do a lot of things, but acting 
wasn't one of them. I didn't really know 
what I was going to do until after my 
father died. Going into acting was as 
much a surprise to me as to anyone else, 


and I was even more surprised to find 
that I could make a living doing it. I 
never did it thinking, Oh yeah, now I'm 
going to score. But it became this nice 
surprise fringe benefit. All of a sudden I 
had some hot girls because of it. 


Q8 

PLAYBOY: You're married, so how do you 
deal with women who hit on you? 
GIAMATTI: А movie set is largely about 
trolling for trim. I'm almost 38, but I've 
reached the point where the cute extra is 
much more interested in me and kind of 
sidles up to me now. I'm not putting 
myself down or anything, but it's mind- 
boggling that even a guy like me gets this 
from women. I'm like, "Why now? I've 
been married 12 goddamn years. I've put. 
a lot of time into this, I've got a kid, and 
now you're coming up to me?" It's a hor- 
rible feeling to know I can't do anything, 
because now, suddenly, it's all around me. 
I hear guys say, "Hey, it's location bang- 
ing," which means, what, you get a pass 
somehow and it's fine? I can't go there. It 
would be so easy, and there are definitely 
times when I've felt I'd better go back to 
the hotel room, quietly close the door 
and lock myself in. 


“...and now, ‘Getting It On’—the show that raises reality 
TV to a new dimension!" 


Q9 

PLAYBOY: You've notched impressive 
Broadway and London stage credits 
doing O'Neill, Chekhov and Stoppard. 
How did that training prepare you for 
lowbrow movies such as Big Momma's 
House and Big Fat Liar? 

GIAMATTI: I did movies just for the cash 
flow. I didn't have a vision about what my 
career was going to be like. I thought, Well, 
that's fine. That's how I make my money. 
And that's how I continue to make my 
money, but the parts have gotten better. In 
those movies I felt that my appearance 
suggested to someone, “Hey, a guy who 
looks like he does must be just hilarious." 
The minute I try to make it funny, it's not 
funny. After the Stern movie I kept getting. 
stuck in this thing where everybody 
wanted me to blow up all the time. I don't 
really feel comfortable doing that. I've 
done plenty of crud. I'm fine doing crud, 
but it's nice to be in some noncrud now. 


010 

PLAYBOY: You did The Resistible Rise of 
Arturo Ui onstage with Al Pacino. How 
crazy is he? 

GIAMATTI: I don't know if I'd use the word 
crazy, but he's eccentric, which surprised 
me. He's also a very nice guy and very 
neurotic. He handed me his sandwich 
right off his lap one day when I was hun- 
gry. That was a stand-up thing to do. Не 
wears $3,000 Armani suits and looks like 
he sleeps in them. He's an obsessive, 
nutty actor—a rumpled, wacky guy. 


on 
PLAYBOY: How crazy—or should we say 
"eccentric" —are you? 
GIAMATTI: I talk to myself constantly. Is 
that eccentric, or am I losing my mind? 
Or is it just sad? I'm obsessed with things. 
I have to have certain kinds of books 
around me. I'm always interested in 
books by Н.Р. Lovecraft. All that early, 
pulpy horror stuff is kind of interesting 
to me. I love to buy comic books, too. 
Pacino would go fucking crazy because I 
whistled all the time—standards and spir- 
ituals, mostly. I like my gospel music. 


012 

PLAYBOY: What's one of the more memo- 
rable responses you've gotten from a fan? 
GIAMATTI: I was on Houston Street in New 
York City, and a bunch of gangbanger 
guys pulled up next to me in an SUV. 
One guy leaned out the window and 
went, “That's the nigger that played in 
Howard Stern! That's the nigger that 
played in Howard Stern!" which was the. 
first time I'd ever been called “nigger.” 
Тһе number of movies I've done virtu- 
ally guarantees that one of them is on 
cable at any time. It's nonstop Giamatti, 
which means those glittering perfor- 
mances in such fine pictures as Big 
Momma's House will be marching across 
your TV screen relentlessly. 


Q13 

PLAYBOY: Playing comic-book artist and 
curmudgeon Harvey Pekar in American 
Splendor must have brought you other fan 
attention, particularly from “special” peo- 
ple who claim you as one of their own. 

GIAMATTI: A lot of Harvey-like people saw 
that movie, and I've definitely gotten 
recognition from them. When I visited 
my sick mom in the hospital, lots of weird 
hospital technicians who had seen that 
movie came up to me. A Harvey-like mail- 
man stopped me on the street the other 
day. I was shying away from him, and he 
was kind of scary, a little weird, disheveled 
and aggressive, saying, “Hey, I really like 
your stuff, man.” Then he said American 
Splendor was great, and I thought, Perfect. 


Q14 

PLAYBOY: Would you reveal what sub- 
stances, illegal or not, you all had to be 
on while making Planet of the Apes? 
GIAMATTI: We should have been taking 
drugs. Unfortunately we weren't on any- 
thing. It was fantastic when my agent 
called and said, "Tim Burton wants to 
meet you for Planet of the Apes." The 
script that actually came across my desk 
meandered. Bad script. If you're going 
to remake that movie, let alone a good 
science-fiction film, plot would seem to be 
of the nce. Not that the first movie is 
Jonathan Swift, but it has a good satirical 
point of view. This one? Nothing. It just 
dribbled away. But it turned out to be one 
of the best times I've ever had filming. 


Q15 

PLAYBOY: You made an offbeat comedy- 
drama called Thunderpants, about a kid. 
with a freakish ability to break wind. Do 
you have any freakish bodily abilities? 
GIAMATTI: At one time I could make myself 
fart. When I was a kid I had a friend who 
was somehow able to do it and, as he 
explained it, "It's like I'm breathing in 
through my asshole." Somehow that res- 
onated with me, and I thought, ГИ give 
this a try. It actually worked. I was able to 
manifest flatulence. I haven't done it in a 
long time. By the way, that movie, in 
which I play a can-do government guy 
with none of the high jinks they usually 
put me up to, is my personal favorite of 
all my performances on film. 


016 

PLAYBOY: After co-starring with Russell 
Crowe in Cinderella Man, a Ron How- 
ard-directed film in which you play the 
friend and trainer of real-life Depression- 
era boxer Jim Braddock, what would you 
tell your agents if they called with 
another role in a Crowe movie? 

GIAMATTI: That I'd be on the bullet train 
to Sydney. I loved him, loved working 
with him. A lot of people look at me and 
say, "You're the only person alive who's 
going to say that," but he was particularly 
nice to me. Why? Who knows? He's a 


complicated guy—a dark, moody, weird 
guy—but he was nice to me. I wish I 
could say he went after me and bit me 
or something, but he never did. 


Q17 

PLAYBOY: That's almost disappointing, 
isn't it? 

GIAMATTI: You read about the old days, 
and it's Marilyn Monroe stumbling 
around drunk, somebody punching 
Richard Burton or someone disappear- 
ing for five days. Doesn't that stuff hap- 
pen anymore? Or maybe it never did. 
Have people gotten duller? I have to зау 
I've never seen anything unusually bad. 
It's all been pretty standard stuff, like 
bickering with the director. There's just 
not enough vomiting on the camera and 
punching Richard Burton anymore. 


Q18 

PLAYBOY: Cinderella Man is all about prize- 
fighting. When was the last time you 
duked it out with someone? 

GIAMATTI: I went through a weird period 
in seventh grade when I was kind of 
scrappy and would take on some big kids. 
I discovered I could hold my own until I 
got my ass kicked by somebody, but the 
idea of punching someone in the face now 
is just bizarre to me. I'm not a ph 1 
guy, and one of the things Гуе alw. 
liked about acting is that it made me be 
physical. I always do my own stunts in 
movies. They're not particularly danger- 
ous things, but I do like to throw myself 
around and jump down hills. That's 
about as physical as I get. 


Q19 

PLAYBOY: What's worse, not getting an 
Oscar nomination for rave-reviewed 
work like American Splendor or Sideways or 
getting those commiserating phone calls 
from friends and colleagues? 
GIAMATTI: It was absurd to me that I 
would get that kind of attention. It's nice 
when people say that kind of thing about 
you, but I kept going, "Hey, everybody 
calm down about this. I hate to break 
anybody's heart, but I really don't see it 

ing." If people think I was good 


in the movie, hey, that's good enough for 
me, for Christ's sake. 
020 


PLAYBOY: Sure, but a gold statue would Бе 
nice too. 

GIAMATTI: Yeah, where's my little gold 
man? A nomination would mean greater 
cash flow, plus I'd be able to buy more 
Lovecraft and comic books. I hate to be 
so crass about it, but that would be nice. 
I'd say it would mean more interesting 
parts, but I don't feel as if I haven't got- 
ten those. Does it guarantee you good 
work for a lifetime? Probably not, but it 
would be a dandy thing. Sure, why not? 


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STAR WARS 


(continued from page 96) 
reference. Left to guess the rest, it gave 
him a regular body, blue suit and silver 
boots. As it turned out, Snaggletooth wears 
a red suit, goes barefoot and is short. Ken- 
ner swiftly issued an accurate version. A 
Blue Snaggletooth now costs $80. 

The rarest figures are Vader and Obi- 
Wan with “double telescoping” light- 
saber action. According to Gus Lopez of 
"ToysRGus.com, fewer than 50 are known 
to exist, and on the rare occasion that one 
becomes available, it can command sev- 
eral thousand dollars. 


INSOLENCE 15 THE HIGHEST 
FORM OF FLATTERY 


Spaceballs may not be Mel Brooks's best 
movie, but it's the best Star Wars parody. 
It pits space bandit Lone Starr, cranky 
Princess Vespa and elf Yogurt against 
Pizza the Hutt and the evil Dark Helmet. 
"So, Lone Starr, now you see that evil will 
always triumph," says Helmet, "because 
good is dumb." Brooks's commentary on 
the new DVD version is hilarious. 


RED GALAXIES, BLUE GALAXIES. 


Democrats like Star Wars, but Republi- 
cans speak it. Ronald Reagan was first. 
He copied the title for his missile 
defense system, described the Soviet 
Union as an “evil empire" and dis- 
patched space shuttle astronauts by say- 
ing, "May the Force be with them." 
Others have emulated: "I'm Luke Sky- 
walker trying to get out of the Death. 
Star," said John McCain, campaigning in 
2000. “We also have to work, though, 
sort of the dark side," said Dick Cheney 
about our intelligence agencies. 


“I HAVE А BAD FEELING ABOUT THIS” 


Menace and Clones have interesting plot 
movement and thrilling action sequences, 
but the volume of twaddle (Jar Jar, the 
Anakin-Padmé romance) makes them 
nearly unwatchable. We hope Lucas can 
pull off something special with Sith. But 
if not, just go home, slip in a DVD of the 
original, and play Luke's Death Star run 
on an endless loop. 


“Goes to show you what I know about technology. I thought a Palm 
Pilot was just another slang term for whacking off.” 


THE BRAIN 


(continued from page 80) 
in Kuwait doesn't automatically confer cit- 
izenship (roughly half the people living 
there are not citizens), so KSM grew up 
in Fahaheel as a Pakistani citizen. His 
mother was an exceptionally devout 
woman, and her influence made him a 
committed Islamist. Before the first Gulf 
war, 70,000 to 80,000 Palestinians were 
living in Kuwait, most of them working in 
the oil industry. Their presence must have 
hardened the young KSM. He spoke at 
mosques as a teenager, often about the 
Palestinian cause. He later told his CIA 
interrogators he had joined the radical 
Muslim Brotherhood when he was 16. 

KSM left Kuwait in 1982. Shortly 
on December 6 of that year, he was 
a passport at the Pakistani embassy in 
Kuwait City. With an education grant in 
hand from the Kuwaiti government, һе 
went off to study in the United States, as 
many Arabs did. 


SCHOOL IN AMERICA 


In the spring of 1983 KSM enrolled at 
Chowan College, a small Baptist school 
in Murfreesboro, North Carolina. The 
school didn't require a certificate of Eng- 
lish proficiency. It did, however, require 
its students to attend weekly Chrisi 
services, although it otherwise tried to 
accommodate the needs of Muslim 
pupils. KSM arrived at Chowan knowing 
little English but entered directly into 
advanced classes. 

After a semester in Murfreesboro KSM 
transferred to North Carolina A&T Si 
University in Greensboro, where he 
obtained his bachelor of science degree іп 
mechanical engineering on December 18, 
1986. At NCAT he was something of a 
class clown, an impressive physical come- 
dian who could crack up a room of Mus- 
lim students simply by walking into it 
Former schoolmates remember him 
cheerful guy who would reenact skits from 
Saturday Night Live. He was known to his 
fellow students as Blushi, for both his fam- 
ily home in Baluchistan and his resem- 
blance to John Belushi. According to one 
classmate, "it was a nonstop comedy zone" 
around KSM. He wore a long beard and 
hung out at the local Burger King, where 
he and his fellow Muslim students ate 
Whoppers without meat because the beef 
was not slaughtered according to Islamic 
code. *He was religious," a Kuwaiti school- 
mate later told The Baltimore Sun. "He 
one of the ones we called the mullah 
sort of a joke, a nicknam 

KSM maintains that his time in Amer- 
ica was not an unhappy one. According 
to The 9/11 Commission Report, he told U.S. 
investigators that his "animus to the U. 
stemmed not from his experience there 
as a student but rather from his violent 
disagreement with U.S. foreign policy 
favoring Israel." 


MUJAHIDEEN 


In the 1980s the struggles of the 
mujahideen in Afghanistan against the 
Soviets attracted Islamic men from 
around the world. With the help of 
wealthy Saudis—as well as the covert mil- 
itary support of the CIA and Pakistani 
intelligence—volunteers went to fight the 
invaders. For these Islamists, Afghanistan 
was a defining place of jihad. KSM's 
brother Abid was killed in Afghanistan in 
1989 while fighting the Soviets. Another 
brother, Ar о died there. 

It is no surprise, then, that after grad- 
uation KSM left the U.S. to go to Pesh- 
awar in northern Pakistan. There he met 
Bin Laden for the first time, as well as 
Sheikh Abdullah Azzam, who provided 
the ideological underpinnings for the later 
terrorist attacks. KSM's oldest brother, 
Zahid, who worked for an Islamic aid 
group, introduced him to Abdul Rasul 
Sayyaf, an Afghan warlord who had once 
been a professor of theology at Kabul Uni- 
versity. Sayyaf headed the Isla 

Party, and KSM served as 
KSM helped run a group that 


'cretary. 
ed Arabs 


fought on the front against the Soviets for 
three months. 

In 1992, four years after Mikhail Gor- 
ev announced the withdrawal of 
et troops from Afghanistan, KSM 
went to Bosnia to join the jihad there, 
again fighting the infidel. He worked 
for Egypatska Pomoc, an Egyptian aid 
group in Zenica, and in 1995 became one 
of its directors. His experience in Bosni: 
where the West looked the other way 
while thousands of Muslims were killed, 
further radicalized him. 


FIRST STRIKE 


On February 26, 1993 the World Trade 
Center in New York City was bombed. 
Ramzi Yousef—KSM's nephew, only 
three years younger than his uncle—had 
carried off a strike against an enemy tar- 
get on American soil. 

Тһе World Trade Center bomb 
exploded at 12:17 вм. in a van parked in 
an underground garage. Yousef had built 
his weapons from 1,200 pounds of chem- 
icals, including urea nitrate and nitro- 
glycerin. Six people were killed and more 
than 1,000 injured, yet the towers 
remained standing. Always one to learn 
from failure, KSM said the 1993 WTC 
bombing proved to him that bombs alone 
could not accomplish the spectacular dev- 
astation he had in mind. 


THE PHILIPPINES 


KSM went to the Philippines on a Pak- 
istani passport to meet with Yousef in 
August 1994, hoping to aid the Muslim 
insurgency on the southern islands. 
There they came up with a grandiose 
plan to strike the U.S. It was known as 
Oplan Bojinka—Serbo-Croatian for 
"explosion" (though KSM told CIA inter- 
rogators it was a nonsense word he had 


heard while fighting in Afghanistan). 

The central concept of Oplan Bojinka 
was to blow up as many as 12 airliners 
simultaneously as they flew across the 
Pacific to the U.S., killing all the passen- 
gers. This was the germ for the 9/11 
attacks and the beginning of the idea to 
use planes as weapons. KSM and Yousef 
planned to plant bombs under airplane 
seats and have the bombers leave the 
planes at stopovers. They studied plane 
routes from Taipei, Hong Kong, Bangkok 
and Seoul and planned schedules for 
coordinated explosions. 

According to Filipino security sources, 
KSM and his nephew also decided to 
a ate Pope John Paul II in the 
Philippines. They prepared to set off a 
pipe bomb near a stage where the pope 
would say Mass; KSM planned to have 
snipers fire at the fleeing crowd. He had 
similar ideas to kill Philippine presid 
Fidel Ramos, as well as President Clin- 
ton on his 1994 visit to Manila. 

On December 11, Yousef, on the advice 
of KSM, successfully planted a bomb 
(and tested Yous timer, made from a 
Casio watch) on Ph ine Airlines flight 
434 bound for Japan, killing one passen- 
ger, wounding 11 others and forcing the 
plane to make an emergency landing in 
Okinawa. According to Filipino intelli- 
gence sources, during this period KSM 
and his nephew went with two girlfriends 
to Puerto Galera, a beach resort south 
of Manila, where they took scuba lessons. 
KSM portrayed himself there as a rich 
Qatari businessman. 

While in Manila he tried to impress a 
female dentist he was wooing by hiring a 
helicopter from the Airlink International 
Aviation School and calling her on his cell 
phone while flying over her clinic; he 
asked her to come out and wave. Accord- 
ing to security reports, he hung out in 
nightclubs, karaoke bars and hotel bars, 
sometimes wearing a white tuxedo. But his 
role as bon vivant may simply have been 
a cover for his freelance bomb plotting. 

In preparation for the execution of 
their Bojinka plan, KSM and Yousef 
cased airport security in 1994. They went 
on trial runs from Manila to Seoul and 
Manila to Hong Kong on flights that had 
onward legs to the U.S. KSM poured liq- 
uid explosives into bottles of contact 
lens solution and replaced the 
d 13 on the flight to Seoul. To test 
their ability to clear security with a deto- 
nator, KSM taped a bolt to the arch of his 
foot and wore flashy clothing with metal 
accessories. He put on jewelry and car- 
ried condoms and what the Philippine 
police called “colorful magazines” to sup- 
port his cover story that he was travel- 
ing in order to meet women. When 
searched, he was asked to undress. He 
removed his shoes but not his socks and 
got the bolt through security. 

Once the plane landed, KSM was 
denied entry to South Korea because he 
didn’t have a visa, so he was sent back to 


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the Philippines. He later told CIA inter- 
rogators he realized he had accidentally 
left in his bag a copy of the Bojinka plan, 
which detailed all 12 targeted flights and 
the times the planes were to explode— 
but no one noticed. 

The Bojinka planes were supposed to 
be hijacked on January 21 and 22, 1995. 
But two weeks before that, while exper- 
imenting with explosives, Yousef had 
started a fire in the apartment the col- 
laborators shared. Although fireworks 
were listed as the cause of the fire, the 
police were immediately suspicious. A 
detective who investigated the sixth-floor 
apartment found pipe bombs and maps 
of the pope's route from the Manila air- 
port to the Vatican consulate (the pontiff 
was scheduled to pass beneath the apart- 
ment's windows). Police found a laptop 
that ultimately led to the discovery of 
Oplan Bojinka details. The Philippine 
National Police also discovered alternate 
plans to crash planes into the World 
"Irade Center, the Pentagon, the White 
House, the John Hancock Tower in 
Boston, the Sears Tower in Chicago and 
the Transamerica building in San Fran- 
cisco. Another plotter, Abdul Hakim 
Murad, was arrested when he tried to 
sneak back into the apartment to retrieve 
his computer. 

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to Pakistan, where he was arrested in Feb- 
ruary 1995 in Islamabad. The hard drive 
for the laptop was given to U.S. intelli- 
gence operatives, who used the contents 
to convict Yousef for his role in the WTC 
bombing. Were it not for flaws in Yousef's 
encryption program, the FBI would not 
have been able to access his computer. 


QATAR 


In 1992, at the invitation of Bin Khalid al 
Тһапі, the minister of religious affairs of 
Qatar, KSM moved to Doha, Qatar to 
work as a project engineer for the Min- 
istry of Electricity and Water. He contin- 
ued to be employed there until 1996, 
even though he spent much of his time 
traveling the world—including trips to 
the Philippines, India, Sudan, Yemen and 
Malaysia—supporting terrorism covertly. 

By late 1996 Khalid Sheikh Moham- 
med surfaced in Brazil, where he again 
escaped the CIA. He had supposedly 
gone there to promote Konsojaya, a 
Malaysian company that secretly funded 
Muslim rebels in Southeast Asia. KSM 
stayed at the Tropicana, 50 yards from 
the Iguagü Falls, where the triple borders 
of Argentina, Brazil and Paraguay meet. 

In 1995 the U.S. government had 
begun to figure out the extent of KSM's 
involvement in terrorist activities; his 
photo had been found in Yousef's 


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KSM in January 1996 for the 1993 World 
"Irade Center bombing. FBI director 
Louis Freeh met with Qatari officials about 
turning KSM over to the Americans, but 
no agreement was reached. The feds 
apparently considered launching a secret 
mission into Qatar to seize him but aban- 
doned the plan because they feared it 
would cause trouble with neighboring 
Bahrain. By the time Qatari officials 
granted the FBI permission to take KSM 
from a Doha apartment in 1996, he had 
fled with a blank passport. It has been said 
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official. KSM went to Afghanistan; one 
report has a member of the Qatari royal 
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appears to have lived clandestinely in Pak- 
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1997 he had settled with his family in the 
southern Pakistani port city of Karachi. 


AL QAEDA 


Perhaps because of differences in their 
character and background, KSM never 
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projects. He met with Bin Laden in Tora 
Bora in mid-1996; it was the first time 
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of the reputation of KSM's nephew, a 
graduate of Sada, an Al Qaeda training 
camp. During the meeting KSM told Bin 
Laden about his various plans (including 
one to train pilots to crash planes into 
American buildings), but Bin Laden lis- 
tened without making any commitments. 

He asked KSM to join Al Qaeda, but 
KSM preferred to keep his autonomy 
and declined. As further evidence of his 
independence, he continued to work in 
Afghanistan with his old mentor Abdul 
Rasul Sayyaf. 

As discussed with Bin Laden, KSM's 
plan for an American airline operation 
involved hijacking 10 planes on the East 
and West coasts and flying them into the 
Library Tower in Los Angeles, the Space 
Needle in Seattle, undisclosed nuclear 
reactors, the World Trade Center, the Pen- 
tagon, the White House, CIA head- 
quarters in Langley, Virginia and FBI 
headquarters in Washington, D.C. KSM 
intended to be on the 10th plane and 
would make his appearance after the nine 
others had smashed into their targets. 
After killing all the male passengers, he 
would land the plane at an American air- 
port and give a speech to the world media 
denouncing U.S. support of governments 
in the Philippines, Israel and the Aral 
Peninsula. Then he would release the 
women and children. Bin Laden was luke- 
warm to this theatrical scheme. 

Тһе 1998 bombings of the American 
embassies in Nairobi and Dar es Salaam 
(which together killed more than 200 peo- 
ple) convinced KSM that Bin Laden was 
serious about attacking the U.S.—a previ- 
ous point of contention between them. 
In March or April 1999 the pair met at the 
Al Matar complex near Kandahar, 
Afghanistan. Bin Laden approved the 
planes operation and, with Mohammad 
Atef, drew up a list of targets. KSM agreed 
to move to Kandahar to work directly with 
Al Qaeda and lead its media committee. 

KSM told his American interrogators 
that he joined Al Qaeda in late 1998 or 
early 1999. Bin Laden wanted to rush the 
planes operation and suggested that 
M launch an attack while Ariel Sharon 
visited the Temple Mount in Jerusalem 
on September 28, 2000. According to 
information released in The 9/11 Commis- 
sion Report, KSM said it couldn't be done, 
that the plan wasn't in place. When 
Sharon announced a visit to the White 
House during the summer of 2001, Bin 
Laden again wanted the planes to attack, 
but KSM said they weren't ready. 


TRAINING FOR HOLY TUESDAY 


In early 1999 Bin Laden selected four 
operatives (Khalid al Mihdhar, Nawaf al 
Hazmi, Tawfiq bin Attash and Abu Bara al 
Yemeni) for the 9/11 hijackings. They 
were taken to an Al Qaeda camp in 
Afghanistan, where they were trained in 
close-quarters combat. Then they went 
to Karachi, where KSM instructed them 
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Carolina experience came in handy. He 
taught the four from Western aviation 
magazines and San Diego and Long 
Beach phone books he had found in a 
Karachi flea market. To familiarize them 
with the jets they would crash, he used 
flight-simulator software and showed Hol- 
lywood hijacking movies. (Before showing 
the videos to his suicide trainees, he edited 
them to cover up the female characters.) 

Most of the terrorists had little idea 
how to operate in Western society and in 
an urban environment. They knew noth- 
ing about how to go through an airport 
or how to greet a Customs officer. To allay 
the suspicions of airport and Customs 
officials, KSM showed his charges how to 
shave, dress in Western clothes and wear 
gold chains and cologne. All these effects 
were designed to make the hijackers 
appear wealthy and cosmopolitan, not 
fundamentalist, and thus avoid scrutiny. 
"Тһе hijackers eventually cased flights on 
their own, taking box cutters on the 
planes and watching. 

KSM developed code words for Al 
Qaeda. White meat, for example, meant an 
American. Wedding meant an attack. Gior- 
gio Armani meant black powder. Hugo Boss 
meant ammonium nitrate. He coded 
phone numbers with a simple reversal: 
Nine became one, eight became two and 
so on. He also invented an electronic let- 
ter box to send e-mail without exposing it 
to surveillance. He would use a Yahoo or 
Hotmail account, write a note in the draft 
file and send the account name and pass- 
word to the person with whom he wished 
to communicate. His correspondent could 


log on to the account and read (and 
delete) the letter in draft form. 

He knew how to obtain false passports 
through forgery, by alteration or by false 
pretense. He knew where to purchase а 
forged passport in Thailand for 55,000 ог 
a legitimate one in Islamabad from African 
students. He knew how to alter Pakistani 
visas with a steam iron, bleach and a Ger- 
man brake fluid that matched the ink. But. 
that was not his most essential ability. 

KSM was well regarded by the Al Qaeda 
rank and file, among whom he was known 
as an even-tempered and intelligent man. 
As he demonstrated to his CIA interroga- 
tors, he was a people person. He would 
smile, laugh and joke, trying to win the 
heart even of an opponent. He could get 
along with anyone. "He's the sort of per- 
son who can acquire your trust easily,” said 
one man I spoke with who had spent time 
with him. “He was talented at it. He easily 
found his way in a crowd of people 
because he was charming. He always gave 
the impression he was understanding, yet 
he would always have things his way.” 

His most unusual skill, however, was in 
persuading people to commit suicide on 
his behalf. KSM controlled what he 
referred to as Al Qaeda's “department of 
martyrs.” The most difficult job in any 
terrorist operation is finding the right 
person for the task. KSM was a good 
judge of talent, but he found it easier to 
attract suicide bombers than to enlist 
operational planners. “We have many 
volunteers,” he told a reporter for 
Aljazeera about his suicide bombers. 

Even during the approach of 9/11— 


“My client was wondering, Your Honor, if you would consider a 
recess until such time as the surf is no longer up.” 


Holy Tuesday in Al Qaeda terminology— 
KSM was thinking about his next attack. 
He wanted non-Arab participants and 
females, because neither would draw 
undue attention from counterterrorist 
organizations. He succeeded in recruit- 
ing Australian Jack Roche, who was later 
convicted of plotting to bomb the Israeli 
embassy in Canberra. Aafia Siddiqui, an 
MIT graduate who lived in Boston, was 
KSM's archetypal female agent. She 
worked as a courier, flying back and forth 
between the U.S. and Pakistan. Consid- 
ering her expertise in neuroscience and 
biology, the intelligence community fears 
she may help plan a chemical or biologi- 
cal attack on the U.S. 

KSM was determined to strike a second 
time, a forceful follow-up to 9/11. This 
next attack would also be spectacular, a 
blow to additional targets in the U.S., and 
would have profound psychological 
impact. Toward that end, in early 2001 he 
sent Issa al Britani, a young British con- 
vert and senior member of Al Qaeda, to 
case various targets in the U.S. Al Britani 
shot five hours of videotape of the New 
York Stock Exchange, the Citigroup 
building in New York, the Prudential 
building in Newark, New Jersey and the 
World Bank and International Monetary 
Fund in Washington, D.C. He noted the 
buildings’ structures and security details, 
traffic outside the targets and the places 
most vulnerable to trucks carrying fuel. 

In spring 2000 Bin Laden had can- 
celed the West Coast component of the 
planes operation, believing it too hard to 
coordinate. The plot was scaled back to 
four planes on the East Coast. In summer 
2001 KSM returned to Bin Laden with a 
plan to recruit a Saudi air force pilot to 
commandeer a fighter plane and attack 
the Israeli city of Eilat, but Bin Laden 
wanted to stick to the planes operation. A 
month before 9/11 KSM applied for a visa 
at the Australian High Commission in 
Islamabad, using a known alias. The visa 
was granted when no one checked the 
alias on a database. 

KSM's activities attracted attention, but 
intelligence officials were unable to put 
them together. In June 2001 a GIA report 
indicated that a man named Khaled was 
recruiting people to travel outside Af- 
ghanistan for possible terrorist activities. 
Officers at CIA headquarters suspected 
that this Khaled might be KSM. 

The planes operation was about to come 
to fruition. As chairman of the media com- 
mittee, KSM supervised the filming of 
martyrdom videos, or video wills, for the 
9/11 hijackers. Then, in code, he autho- 
rized the four hijacking teams to attack. 
Mohammad Atta's last phone call to KSM, 
on September 10, 2001, was monitored by 
the National Security Agency but wasn't 
translated until after the attacks. That call 
sealed the fate of thousands of people. In 
typically brazen fashion KSM had wanted 
to be in America for the attacks—he 
applied for a visa to come here for 9/11, 


but his application was denied. "The 
attacks were designed," he told a reporter 
for Aljazeera in 2002, “to cause as many 
deaths as possible and havoc and to be a 
big slap for America on American soil." 


After 9/11, money was never a problem. 
Whenever KSM met operatives, he was 
able to fund them—he got a lot of finan- 
cial support from Saudi Arabia. KSM con- 
tinued to plot. He was involved in Richard 
Colvin Reid's foiled shoe bombing on 
American Airlines flight 63 from Paris to 
Miami in December 2001. On April 11, 
2002 a suicide bomber in Djerba, Tunisia 
telephoned KSM three hours before he 
detonated a truck bomb outside a syna- 
gogue and killed 21 people. KSM also 
planned to use truck bombs to destroy 
the Australian and British high commis- 
sions and the U.S. and Israeli embassies 
in Singapore in December 2001 and plot- 
ted to blow up the Brooklyn Bridge in 
2003. (Movies set in New York, including 
Godzilla, were used for research purposes.) 

Part of his post-9/11 scheme was to 
strike London's Heathrow Airport, using 
planes hijacked from Eastern Europe. 
Another plan was foiled on August 3, 
2004 when AI Britani, who was involved 
in the plot, was arrested in London. Even 
in the heightened-security environment 
after 9/11, KSM, convinced of his bril- 
liance, still thought he could mount a 
spectacular operation. He believed in pre- 
operational surveillance. He maintained 
that any target, even highly protected 
ones, could be attacked. Тһе enemies of 
Allah plot and plan, he said, but Allah is 
the best of planners. KSM advocated multi- 
year planning in a long-cycle operation. 
He felt if he invested in the preattack 
phases, almost any plot could succeed. 

In addition to planning the Heathrow 
scheme, KSM devised the gas limo proj- 
ect, which showed his typical ingenuity. It 
involved setting off improvised explosive 
devices and dirty bombs in London. KSM 
was considering strontium 90, cali- 
fornium 252 and cesium 137 as radioac- 
tive agents to be used with a conventional 
bomb. He planned to obtain these ele- 
ments from smoke alarms, using 100 
alarms to make each bomb. 


DANIEL PEARL. 


One intriguing allegation involves Daniel 
Pearl, a reporter with The Wall Street Jour- 
nal who was kidnapped in Pakistan on 
January 23, 2002 while researching a 
story. Pearl was murdered after two men 
pinned him to the floor of a Karachi 
apartment. KSM, we are told, wielded 
the knife that cut off Pearl's head, while 
another man videotaped. But the cam- 
eraman missed the murder, which had to 
be repeated for the video. Pearl's throat 
was cut in halal fashion. One person who 
watched the tape said it was not clear that 
KSM held the knife: “You couldn't tell 
from the videotape whether it was actu- 


ally KSM who was holding the knife or 
even whether he was there." But others 
insist KSM was the killer. 

He typically didn't bloody his hands— 
KSM had others do his dirty work. But 
he may have had a motive with Pearl, who 
according to some reports could have been 
pursuing an article about him. "He had 
previously seemed to be more of a strate- 
gic person who looked at things from 
above, trying to figure out how to manip- 
ulate, rather than a hands-on kind of per- 
son concerned with details," says one 
journalist who followed the case closely. 
"But you can't exclude the possibility that 
he would develop a certain interest in 
killing if he had been told Pearl was after 
him personally." Or perhaps KSM killed 
Pearl because he wanted to set an exam- 
ple for Al Qaeda with his ruthlessness. 


CAPTURE. 


KSM was not one to hide in a cave. Не 
liked to be on the front lines. But after 
Ramzi Binalshibh was arrested in Karachi 
on September 11, 2002, the noose began 
to tighten. KSM had been in Binalshibh’s 
house when it was raided, but he escaped, 
leaving behind his two young sons, Yusif 
al Khalid, nine, and Abed al Khalia, 
seven, who were found in a bedroom and 
taken into custody by Pakistani security. It 
is not uncommon in Pakistan for intelli- 
gence agents to arrest their quarry's fam- 
ily members. One terrorist reportedly 
turned himself in because his 90-year-old 
grandfather was being held in jail. "In the 
Middle East," says one man familiar with 
interrogations, "they will bring a suspect's 
mother to the police station and undress 
her in front of him." 

The search moved to Quetta, the cap- 
ital city of Baluchistan, KSM's home 
province. Plenty of former Taliban were 
in Quetta, which made it hard for the 
FBI to get anywhere. Pakistani intelli- 
gence agents tracked KSM to a house in 
a middle-class neighborhood, which they 
raided on February 14, 2003. They seized. 
KSM's computer, getting valuable ad- 
dresses, e-mails and phone numbers, but 
once again he had escaped. Instead, Pak- 
istani police caught one of the sons of 
Sheikh Omar Abdel Rahman, the blind 
Egyptian cleric convicted in 1995 for try- 
ing to blow up the World Trade Center. 
"The son admitted he had recently stayed 
with KSM in Quetta. KSM's phone calls 
were intercepted by American communi- 
cations experts, who helped the Pakistanis 
trace him. The National Security Agency 
used its Echelon surveillance system to 
monitor more than 10 of KSM's cell 
phones and triangulate his position with 
satellites. Intelligence operatives knew 
KSM's whereabouts for a week before they 
followed him from Quetta to Rawalpindi. 

Тһе night before his capture KSM 
took a 430-mile commercial flight from 
Quetta to Islamabad. He thought he was 
well enough disguised to risk the airport, 
but he was under surveillance by the 


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Directorate of Inter-Services Intelligence 
(the Pakistani intelligence service), which 
had agents on his flight. 

It all came crashing down on Saturday, 
March 1, 2003. One phone number found 
on KSM's hard drive in Quetta belonged 
to the son of a microbiologist who owned 
a house in Rawalpindi, a crowded military 
garrison city adjacent to Islamabad, the 
Pakistani capital. The supposed safe 
house, a gray-and-white two-story home 
at 18A Nisar Road in the middle-class 
Westridge neighborhood, was just two 
miles from the residence of the Pakistani 
president, General Pervez Musharraf. 
When he was arrested the FBI found a 
laminated code sheet in his pocket. Agents 
also took his laptop, compact discs, audio- 
tapes, mobile phones and notebooks— 
none of them encoded. 

KSM was surprised to be captured, 
because he usually adhered to strict secu- 


rity principles. "When you are on the 
run for such a long time," said one 
observer, “you tend to take a few things 


Next to the bed where 
a photo of him with his 
two sons. 

His appearance had changed—he no 
longer had a beard and had gained 
weight—but his fingerprints confirmed his 
identity. For three days he was questioned 
ferrorism Cell. 
On March 4 the Pakistanis turned him 
over to U.S. intelligence. Once he was in 
American custody, his two sons were 
reportedly transferred to a facility in the 
U.S., though American officials deny any 
children are in custody here or abroad. 


for granted. 


LIFE BEHIND BARS 


"This is Mukhtar's life now and for the fore- 
seeable future. Perhaps when the CIA has 
gotten all the information it can from him, 
KSM will be brought before a secret trial 
or military tribunal that will remand him 


to the Supermax federal prison in Flor- 
ence, Colorado, where his nephew Yousef 
is serving life plus 240 years. Until then 
captivity will continue to dictate his life. 

By dint of his continual challenge to 
security assumptions, KSM has altered 
our way of life. Without him there would 
be no Transportation Security Adminis- 
tration, no truck barricades in front of 
office buildings. We would not remove 
our shoes in Logan or O'Hare airports. 
If we didn't remember that KSM is а 
mass murderer, we might admire his 
logistical aptitude and organizational cre- 
ativity. Because of that creativity and 
imagination, as well as his Western edu- 
cation, he had extraordinary insight into 
how the world operates. This made him. 
extremely dangerous. 

His removal has severely hampered AI 
Qaeda, which has lost its most impor- 
tant operations man. KSM's strategic 
mind was unrivaled. His ability to con- 
ceptualize and conduct operations made 
him the most important terrorist of our 
time. A former KSM deputy, Abu Faraj al 
Liby, is reportedly Al Qaeda's new oper- 
ational head, but he lacks KSM's famil- 
iarity with the West. 

"The United States is much safer with 
KSM behind bars, but his imprisonment 
doesn't mark the end of Al Qaeda. The 
terrorist network will find it difficult to 
launch a large-scale international attack 
like that of 9/11, though its current 
decentralized structure of Islamist groups 
allows for attacks such as last year's 
Madrid train bombing. Bin Laden and 
Ayman al Zawahiri remain at large, but 
their value to the jihad is mostly symbolic. 
It is now clear that Khalid Sheikh 
Mohammed's arrest will alter the future 
of Islamic terrorism, just as his operations 
have transformed American history. 


“Just remember, that's an oversized TV screen." 


LANCE ARMSTRONG 


(continued from page 76) 
that respect with President Bush, a man 
you've known since he was governor 
of Texas. 

ARMSTRONG: I have to be careful here. I 
like the president. He is a deeply spiritual 
man. And I don't know if that spiritual- 
ity has any place in the highest office. 
Having said that, I think the majority of 
the country disagrees with me on this. 
PLAYBOY: Doesn't every leader say he's got 
God on his side? 

ARMSTRONG: Exactly the point. The 
beliefs of the president and of main- 
stream America are not necessarily 
shared by people around the world. We 
can't force our beliefs and our freedoms 
on others. I mean, there are a billion 
Muslims in the world. There are Mus- 
lims, Jews, Buddhists, hundreds of forms 
of religion, and none of us is right or 
wrong. I think we need a serious line 
between church and state. 

PLAYBOY: Do you and Crow discuss get- 
ting married? 

ARMSTRONG: Do people discuss that? I 
thought the guy just asked the girl. 
PLAYBOY: That's the old-fashioned way. 
ARMSTRONG: Sometimes the girl puts on. 
a little pressure. The other day I heard 
about a girl who asked the guy to marry 
her. How do you like that? 

PLAYBOY: What would you say? 
ARMSTRONG: We actually talked about 
that. Sheryl said, “Don't worry. I won't 
ask you to get married." 

PLAYBOY: Your father took off before you 
ever knew him, and you've said you don't 
want to know him. You dismiss him as 
"the DNA donor." But what if he gave 
you your physical attributes? 
ARMSTRONG: I don't think he's athletic. All 
I needed was my mom, who got preg- 
nant at 17 and never quit on her baby— 
me. My mom was against quitting 
anything. She was stronger than most 
mothers and fathers together. I thought 
of her during my first pro cycling event, 
when I finished 111th out of 111 fin- 
ishers. But about 200 guys started, so 
there were 80 or more quitters. At least 
I didn't quit. 

PLAYBOY: Growing up without a dad 
around must have been tough. Did 
you have the birds-and-bees talk with 
your mom? 

ARMSTRONG: Never had one. 

PLAYBOY: Did you feel cheated? Did that 
slow your development? 

ARMSTRONG: Probably. You know when 
you're 11 or 12 and kids play truth or 
dare or spin the bottle? You have to kiss 
a girl and then French kiss a girl, and 
man, you don't want to mess up your first 
time. That's pressure. I really wasn't up 
to speed in those games. But the way 
things turned out, I can't complain. 


PLAYMATE NEWS 


PAM: A NICE 


What guy wouldn't want to make Pamela 
Anderson a permanent fixture in his life? 
Photographer Sante D'Orazio (above left) 
is one of the lucky few who have done so, 
thanks to his controve photo exhibi- 
tion Pam: American Icon. When New York 
City's Stellan Holm Gallery launched 
D'Orazio's exhibit earlier this 
year, celebrities such as Ashley 
Julianna Margulies, 

Debbie Harry and Robert 
Downey Jr. rushed past the 
velvet ropes to check out the 
jaw-dropping, near life-size 
nudes. When asked about the 

xhibit, Pam—pictured above 

ght with current flame 

Stephen Dorff—said, “I am 
a total exhibitionist, and I 


like the experience of being in a shoot, but 
I don't like to look at the pictures. I think 
I'd feel awkward seeing them in a gallery. 
In an interview with The New York 
D'Orazio commented that Pam's inimitable 
y heightens her iconic statu 

e look back yea 

this par 


Imes, 


Pam: on—and 
off—the wall. 
5 She is the era. 
She'sa walking, living work 

of art, like a happening. 
The American icon had a 
simple explanation for 

why she prefers nudit 
lothes,” she told 

Women's Wear Dail: 

“make you loo! 


Despite Michael Jackson's 
scarred reputation and 
high-profile legal woes, he 
will always be the musica 
genius who made some of 
the most memorable videos 
of the 1980s. When the 
Gloved One needed some- 
one special to 
star as his 
girlfriend in 
the ground- 
breaking, 
freaky-as-hell $ 
сеги 
Price 
narrated 
1983 video 
for the song 
"Thriller," 
he turned to 
the gorgeous 
Miss June 
1980 Ola 
Ray. Was it 
because Jack- 
son had read on Ola's Pla 
mate Data Sheet that he was 
her all-time favorite enter- 
tainer? Quite likely. The 
year before, Ola had made 
another great cinematic im- 
pression when she appeared 
in the movie 48 Hrs. with 
then-superstar comedian 
Eddie Murphy. "PLAYBOY was 
the best thing that ever hap- 
pened to me,” she tells us 


CENTERFOLD CHIC 


Ж: 
SE 


о 


MY FAVORITE PLAYMATE 


Du Mario Cantone 
My favorite Playmate 
is 
because she was beau- 
tiful. She was so young 
‘and had that long hair 
set against that red 
satin sheet. The first PLAYaOY Center- 

w а is a great picture. 
And to see where her 
life went is just so 
tragic. She not only 
had о beautiful 
body, but she was 
hilarious, too. 
She was also prob- 
ably one of the most 
talented 
ak Centerfolds. 


\ 


Skilled golfer Lisa Dergan cele- 
brated with tennis legend Boris 
Becker (below) after he sank a 


putt at the One & Only EN 


Ocean Club golf course in 

the Bahamas during the 
Michael Jordan Celebrity 
Invitational.... Forget the 
Queer Eye makeover guys 

and give one of our girls 
your undivided attention. Kari 
Kennell Whitman hosts Dude 
Room, a home improvement 
show on the 
Discovery 
Channel.... 
After shoot- 
ing the Play- 


Vegas, Scar- 
lett Keegan, 


Destiny 

Davis and 

Jennifer 

@: Are you enjoying life as the 2005 @: Do you ever wear the barmaid out- Walcott 

St. Pauli Girl? fit in the bedroom? were given 

A: Yes! I still can't believe they picked А: No, unfortunately they kept it. the key to 
me. They held castings in @: What's your poison? the city by On por: Lisa ond Boris 

Miami, Las Vegas and Los A: Actually I love beer. Vegas mayor 


Angeles. I was one of five 
girls chosen to do a test shoot. 
When they told me the news 
I said, "What? Are you sure?" 

Q: What are the perks of 
being the brand's spokes- 
model? 

А: I have my own poster, 
including a six-foot-tall cut- 
out. I'm on billboards and 
buses in every major city. The 
St. Pauli Girl represents the 


Q: When we called, you 
had just returned from Pana- 
ma. Were you on vacation? 

A: I was promoting the 
Playboy slot machines for 
Bally Gaming. My hotel was 
on the coast, so I had a great 
view of the water. Panama is 
зо beautiful, and the people 
are extremely kind. I was 
the first Playmate to visit the 
country. I was treated like 


Oscar Goodman.... Playmate 
turned pilot Nicole Whitehead 
will be profiled іп an upcoming 
edition of Plane & Pilot maga- 
zine.... If you dig The Sopranos, 
you'll love High Roller: The Stu 
Ungar Story, starring Michael Im- 
perioli (it can be seen on cable). 
Тһе film also features Cynthia 
Brimhall.... Julie McCullough 
(pictured) celebrated 

her 40th birthday 


in L.A. with fellow 
Genterfolds Bar- 
bara Moore, Tina 


girl next door. She's conser 
sexy. Each year the poste: 
For mine they did a dark, s 


but still royalty. Everyone was intrigued when I 
different. wore the Bunny costume—they'd never 
y bar scene. seen anything like it. 


When Mariska Hargitay won a Golden Globe for her 

role on Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, we were 
especially proud and felt a certain kinship. Why? 

Fifty years ago we featured Mariska's mother, Jayne j 


Mansfield, as Miss February 1955. 


жылу 


zx 


Y 


Jordan and Stacy 
Fuson.... Would you 
watch a sitcom 
about a bookstore 
run by two intel- 
lectual brothers? 


Happy 40th 
birthday, Julie! 


What if we told you Pamela 
Anderson is playing a bookstore 
employee? Pamela is also pro- 
ducing the show, Stacked, for Fox. 
We're already hooked. 


Playmate's 
pictorial in the Cyber Club 
a playboy.com. 


Secret sex 


(continued from page 120) 
A WOMAN'S PLACE 


Adultery has always been with us, of 
course, but some of what we see now is 
an expression of new sexual politics. 
We've found that work plays a role but 
not the one you think. Newsweeklies lay 
the blame on working women tasting the 
freedom of hotel rooms, business trips 
and close associations with colleagues. 
Our statistics suggest the workplace is a 
contributing factor. Twenty-seven per- 
cent of the men and 19 percent of the 
women cheaters met their lovers at work; 
not a few pursued frolicking on business 
trips. But work is a two-way street (21 
percent of the men and 28 percent of 


other than your regular 


Mal 


га! sex 


the women who had illicit lovers got 
together while their primary partner was 
at work or out oftown). We asked the 
Playboy.com volunteers to look at what 
else was going on in their life when they 
began an affair. Topping the list were 
three work-related events: One in five 
cheaters began the affair after taking a 
new job; the same number did so when 
a regular partner became busy (for ex- 
ample, going back to school or work); 
almost as many (19 percent of men, 15 
percent of women) noticed the affair 
coincided with a promotion or increased 
duties at work. 


MORE FACTS ABOUT CHEATERS: 


*One in five never meets the outside 
lover in public. 

*One in four never gives out a home 
phone number (substituting the cell). 
*Slightly fewer (22 percent of men, 15 
percent of women) avoid using a credit 
card to pay for dinners and hotel rooms. 
*Nearly one third of the cheaters ad- 
mitted to lying about their marital status 
in order to get sex. 

*About one in 10 never uses a real name 
or gives a real place of business and 
chooses to have affairs only on the road. 


WHY STAY FAITHFUL? 


What is the most frequently cited reason 
for fidelity? Men were most likely to say 
“respect for my partner” (24 percent to 
women's 22 percent); women were more 
inclined to say they had found a partner 
who was "perfect for me" (33 percent to 
men's 18 percent). Men were half as 
likely to cite honor or contract (“I gave 
my word") as women. 

About one in 10 cited religious up- 
bringing, fear of hurting a partner or 
comfort (preferring monogamy to the 
hassles of dating around). 

We can say this about the faithful: 
They don't even think about fooling 
around—at least hardly ever. Only 37 
percent of the faithful men had ever 
considered having an affair (and most 
of those "not often"), compared with the 
94 percent of the men who ultimately 
cheated. Only 22 percent of the faith- 
ful women had considered having an 
affair (again, most of those "not often"), 
compared with 89 percent of women 
who went on to cheat. Put another way, 
cheaters were at least three times as 
likely as the faithful to give the possibil- 
ity serious consideration. 

Americans have no consensus about 
what constitutes cheating. We were 
amazed by the loopholes and levels of 
distinction. Most subjects feel comfort- 


able with flirtation: Look but don't 
touch; flirt but don't fondle. But even 
the line between the fantastic and the 
physical has rules. For some people, the 
line is crossed once they go out of their 
way to increase temptation. For others, 
leading someone on is the crime. 


“I handle curiosity or temptation by 
fantasizing while masturbating. You 
cross a line when you do something 
that would bother you if your partner 
were engaging in the act with another 
person." — male, married 


And then there was this guy, someone 
for whom temptation is biblical: 


“I handle it poorly, for I am weak. 
Sexuality is good, God made me sexual, 
and he made marriage the place to use 
that sexuality as a glue in a lifelong rela- 
tionship. I handle temptation primarily 
by avoidance—like an alcoholic avoid- 
ing a bar. The primary temptation 
toward sexual infidelity is to believe that 
I am my own person, isolated, and that 
what I do will not hurt anyone else. 
Remembering that my God does not 
isolate himself from me reminds me to 
turn again to him for help to love my 
wife as he loves me.” —male, married 


"What the hell are you doing?! I drink out of there!" 


173 


How Dig is 
Үш Deal? 


T 


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Miayboy 


WHAT'S HAPPENING, WHERE IT'S HAPPENING AND WHO'S MAKING IT HAPPEN 


Young Gun 


Country music scion Shooter 
Jennings takes his best shot 


N nly the son of legendary outlaws 
|| ) Jessi Colter and Waylon Jennings 
"us could get away with the nickname 
Shooter. Nashville native Shooter Jennings 
(born Waylon, like his dad), 25, is putting 
his name to good use by taking aim at the 
scene his parents helped put on the map. 
His debut album, Put the O Back in Country 
(Universal South), is a back-to-basics at- 
tempt to rescue country music. "It's all about 
cowboy hats and million-piece bands now," 
he says. "The shit on country radio is not 
real." This fall moviegoers will get a taste of 
this good old boy's act as well. Jennings 
will play his father in the Johnny Cash biopic 
Walk the Line, starring Joaquin Phoenix, 
which will hit theaters in November. "It was 
trippy to be playing him when he was my 
age," Jennings says. “I got to see just a 
glimpse of how he lived. There was this 
apartment we were doing a scene in be- 
cause Johnny and Waylon had an apartment 
together in Memphis at one time. It was to- 
tally trashed, and | was like, 'Hey, this ain't 
too far off from what my apartment looked 
like a couple of years ago!" —Dave ltzkoff 


The Latest Dish 


Food? Sculpture? Both? At Chicago's new hot spot 
Alinea, Grant Achatz serves up serious ambition 


А | hat makes Chicago's Alinea arguably the most highly 

М anticipated restaurant to open in the U.S. this year? With 
Y V the kind of traditional training Wisconsin-bred chef 
Grant Achatz, 31, has had, even his résumé would taste succu- 
lent. He's a former sous-chef at the French Laundry, a bar-none 
foodie mecca in California's Napa Valley. He gained a national 
reputation by heading up Trio restaurant, outside Chicago. With 
his new venture, which opened in May, he's swinging for the 
fences. The idea: to deconstruct your dinner and rethink every 
ingredient, combining the kind of mad science that has taken 
hold of couture kitchens in Europe with classic techniques that 
have survived through the ages. The mind games begin the mo- 
ment you take your seat. A four-hour feast with 30-odd miniature 
courses might begin with a PB&J (pictured) reimagined as whis- 
pers of toast encasing peanut butter and peeled grapes. Various 
vapors and foams will follow to complement meats and pastas. 
Achatz begins one dish with lush ravioli, then adds a Rauschen- 
berg spin, infusing the hollow not with cheese or meat but with 
black-truffle air. "It's innovative," he explains, “but you can't get 
| much more grounded than pasta and truffle." Hungry? Curious? 
Good luck with that reservation. —Jay Cheshes 


mrapevin 


World-Class Beach Bum 


Walk down the right beach and you 
might find JESSICA ALBA acting 
like a perfect starlet—having her 
way with a lollipop and proving to 
fellow sunbathers that she was an 
excellent choice to star in Sin City. 


Desperately Seeking Nicollette 
Now that Desperate Housewives is a phenomenon, 
NICOLLETTE SHERIDAN has plenty of cash to spend 
at her favorite Los Angeles boutiques. Here’s hoping 
she doesn’t find the lingerie section any time soon. 


Penny 
From 
Heaven 
If you 

want PENNY 
LANCASTER's 
body, and you 
think she's 
sexy, don't tell 
Rod Stewart— 
she's already 
his girlfriend. 
Here Penny 
makes a 
memorable 
appearance at 
Guy's in LA. 


Eva 
Ready 

In Hitch, 

EVA MENDES 
turns Will 
Smith into a 
babbling 
dweeb. With 
the way she 
puts the 
bada-bing in 
button-down, 
it's a wonder 
anybody can 
say hello. 


G-String 
Diva 

Four out of five 
dentists surveyed 
are pro-flossing, 
so they would 


surely love this 
model, who 
worked it at 

the DSquared 
fashion show 

in Milan. We bet 
her teeth are 

as beautiful as 
the rest of her. 


The Donald. The Nip Slip. The Red-Carpet Rage 
We're over The Apprentice, but that doesn't mean we're beyond gawking at 
newlyweds DONALD TRUMP and MELANIA KNAUSS. What was Donald. 

yelling at photographers? Maybe "If this 
doesn't boost my ratings, you're fired!" 


re 


Hanging Loose 
Model REBEKAH LEHRFELD knows what it's like to have a 
good hair day: She's been modeling for Aveda hair care 
products since she was 15. When she's in Hawaii (above), 
however, she's prone to letting her pigtails down. 


Ol Bo ШЕПТІ 


SLICK WHEN WET 


Cameras and water have never been on the best ofterms, dig; 
doubly so. Squeezing off subaqueous shots requires bulky aftermar 
housings and other annoying special equipment. That explains why 
we're so jazzed by the Pentax OptioWP ($350, pentax.com), a five- 
megapixel point-and-shoot that combines the slim body and conve- 
nience of today's film-free snappers with waterproofing down to three 
feet. At that depth you won't exactly be the next Cousteau (or even 
Zissou), but it's more than enough to let you take your camera where 
wanted to go—into the shower. 


SOLE MAN 


As far as wardrobe goes, nothing says leisure like the flip-flop. The 
existential weight of the human condition seems to lift the moment 
you slide on a pair. Love and death? The meaning of it all? Pedro 
Martinez's haircut? Who cares? You'll have your margarita by the pool, 
thank you. Pictured from left: Montrail's Molokai ($45, montrail.com) 
has a thermo-moldable foot bed that custom-fits to your sole after 
a few wearings; Hugo Boss’s nylon-and-leather Boss Hugo Boss Flip 
Flop ($95, 800-484-6267) looks pretty snazzy, if you ask us; and Keen's 
Trinidad ($60, keenfootwear.com) combines the protection of a 

178 leather sandal with the je ne sais quoi of a flip-flop. 


There will aly 


KING CREOLE 


be a hot new joint, 

but venerated restaurants survive for a 
reason. This summer, Galatoire’s (504- 
-2021), at 209 Bourbon Street in New 
Ог! lebrates its 100th anniv 
Тһе Friday-afternoon lunches in the 
downstairs dining room haven't changed 
since Tenne Williams was a fixture. 
On the menu: shrimp rémoulade 
(pictured), crabmeat maison, oysters en 
brochette and plenty of champagne. 


VIRTUAL VEGAS 


Getting good at poker used to mean log- 
ging long hours in dodgy places with 
dodgier people, not to mention serious 
financial risk. But today's top players cut 
their teeth online, gaining skills that are 
more business school than barroom. Hit 

s where they live with Poker Acad- 
y Texas Hold 'Em 9.0 software ($39, 
poki-poker.com). You'll learn all the rules 
and strategies, and you can play a full no- 
limit tourney without losing your shirt. 


STRIP CLUB 


Nothing cracks up Herb 
from accounting like your 
retro "tip and strip" pen. 
Well, the next time you need 
to take some poetic license on 
your expense reports, thank 
him with this supersize ver- 
sion. The Putt-Her novelty 
club ($60, blueballsports.com) 
looks completely innocent 
when upended in your golf 
bag, but flip it over to hit a 
shot and it reveals a shapely 
surprise on the shaft. Sur 
it's not a precision Callaway 
or TaylorMade, but this baby 
loves to swing. 


CARE FOR A SLICE? 


Collectors have long clamored for a reproduction of the standard- 
issue War Department World War II Navy knife. Here it is. The 
new Mark I ($90, actiongear.com) has a five-and-one-eighth-inch 
high-carbon-steel blade with black antireflective finish—perfect for 
peeling an orange or putting the fear of God into a Nazi 


ON THE NOSE 


"An irreverent attitude, a sen- 
sual energy...the Z Zegna man 
values style, freedom, authen- 
ticity.” So reads the press ma- 
terial accompanying the new 
Z Zegna fragrance from Er- 
menegildo Zegna (3.3 ounces, 
$57, saksfifthavenue.com). 
We have no idea what that 
means, but we like the scent. 
With a base note of cashmere 
wood from India and top 
notes of bergamot from Sicily 
and casoar from New Guinea, 
it’s like a trip around the 
world in a bottle. The lady in 
your life will enjoy the ride. 


ROCK THAT ROLLS 


The iPod revolution has spawned several 
speaker kits that turn those little white boxes 
into full-blown sound systems. Too bad they 
take up half your luggage space. Next time 
pack a Boom Bag ($330, viasf.com/boombags). 
This fashion-backward tote makes up for its 
pedestrian looks with two speakers, a built-in 
amplifier and a subwoofer to fill your room 
with boom. It's a portable party that will blow 
the waflles right off your room-service tray. 


B 
N 


/ 


qr 


WHAT'S ON TAP 


The Brits used to make super-strong pale ales, 
called India pale ales, that could survive the 
voyage to India. The trend is big again among 
American microbrewers. Case in point: Dogfish 
Head's new releases. Burton Baton ($13 for a 
four-pack) weighs in at 90 proof, but neither 
the alcohol nor the bitterness whacks you over 
the head. The 120-Minute IPA is 40 proof and 
will age for decades like the best wines ($10 for 
а 12-ounce bottle). Info at dogfish.com 


ШиИйех! Month 


EDGE-OF-YOUR-SEAT FICTION. 


KARINA LOMBARD PUTS LUSCIOUS INTO THE 1. WORD. 


THE FALL OF THE HOUSE OF BRANDO—IN THE DAYS AFTER 
MARLON BRANDO'S DEATH, ACCOLADES REGARDING HIS 
BRILLIANT CAREER WERE EVERYWHERE. BUT THERE WAS A 
DARK SIDE TO THE NEWS TOO: FRIENDS AND FAMILY BAT- 
TLING OVER HIS ESTATE, CREATING A STORY AS COMPLEX 
AND SAD AS THE ACTOR HIMSELF. BY PETER MANSO 


HIGH IN THE CANADIAN ROCKIES—SMUGGLING BRITISH 
COLUMBIA'S FINEST MARIJUANA INTO THE U.S. ISN'T AS EASY 
AS IT USED TO BE. JUST ASK THE PREZ, ONE OF THE MANY 
DEVIOUS CHARACTERS INSIDE CANADA'S MULTIBILLION- 
DOLLAR POT INDUSTRY. BY ROBERT SABBAG 


JOANNA KRUPA—NO ONE FILLS OUT A STRING BIKINI LIKE 
OUR NEW COVER MODEL. KNOWN AS THE SEXIEST BEACH 
GIRL IN THE WORLD, OUR SUN-KISSED SUPERSTAR LEAVES 
HER SWIM THINGS AT HOME FOR A BLISTERING PICTORIAL. 
NO SAND? NO SUIT? NO PROBLEM. 


OWEN WILSON—SURFERS, STONERS AND HIPSTERS CLAIM THE 
SLOW-SPEAKING TEXAN AS THEIR OWN. TWENTY-FIVE MOVIES 
INTO HIS CAREER, WILSON IS ON HIS BACK PORCH DISCUSSING 
HIS FEAR OF CRAZY WOMEN AND THE DANGERS OF GOOGLING 
ONESELF. A DARING PLAYBOY INTERVIEW BY JERRY STAHL 


YOU TOO CAN PULL OFF A WHITE SUIT. 


к 
THE WORLD'S HOTTEST SWIMSUIT MODEL, JOANNA KRUPA. 


DON'T PANIC—BUT DON'T GET TOO COMFORTABLE, EITHER. 
WHEN IT COMES TO NATURAL DISASTERS—AN OUTBREAK OF 
ASIAN BIRD FLU, AN ERUPTION OF THE VOLCANO BELOW YEL- 
LOWSTONE—ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN AT ANY MOMENT. AND IF 
YOU MANAGE TO LIVE TO THE AGE OF 10,000, YOU'LL EXPERI- 
ENCE ALMOST EVERY TYPE. DON'T MISS THE FEEL-GOOD 
ARTICLE OF THE YEAR. BY WILLIAM SPEED WEED 


SCARLETT JOHANSSON—THE PRECOCIOUS STAR OF LOST 
IN TRANSLATION, THE ISLAND AND WOODY ALLEN'S UPCOM- 
ING FILM MATCH POINT ANSWERS THE QUERY, AT WHAT AGE 
ARE MEN TOO OLD TO OGLE YOU? FIND OUT HER ANSWER— 
AND 19 OTHERS THAT ARE JUST AS TITILLATING—IN 20Q. BY 
DAVID RENSIN 


THE FALL—WANTING PEACE AND QUIET, JEAN AND TIMOTHY SET 
OFF ON A CAMPING TRIP. WHAT THEY GET INSTEAD IS A WILD 
RIDE TURNED CATASTROPHE. FICTION BY BILL ROORBACH 


PLUS: TWO AMAZINGLY DIFFERENT SIDES OF THE L WORD'S 
KARINA LOMBARD, MEN /М BLANCO: WHITE-HOT WHITE SUITS, 
SUMMER ACCESSORIES THAT ARE GUARANTEED TO MAKE 
WOMEN FOLLOW YOU HOME, BETWEEN THE SHEETS WITH FOR- 
MER PMOY KAREN MCDOUGAL, AND MISS JULY, QIANA CHASE. 


Playboy (ISSN 0032-1478), June 2005, volume 52, number 6. Published monthly by Playboy in national and regional editions, Playboy, 680 North 

Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611. Periodicals postage paid at Chicago, Illinois and at additional mailing offices. Canada Post Canadian 

Publications Mail Sales Product Agreement No. 40035534. Subscriptions: in the U.S., $29.97 for 19 issues. Postmaster: Send address change to 
180 Playboy, РО. Box 2007, Harlan, Iowa 51537-4007. For subscription-related questions, call 800-999-4438, or e-mail circ@ny.playboy.com. 


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