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INTERVIEW:
OWEN WILSON
THE NEXT
SEVEN NATURAL
| DISASTERS
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The Fall of the House of Brando began аз ап homage to the
rebel actor. But Peter Manso, author of Brando: The Biogra-
phy and Ptown, found the Hollywood legend's estate in
chaos. "As soon as | started to get into it," he says, "I realized
this was a very strange situation even by his usual standards.
There had been a shift of his will's executors 13 days prior to
his death, and the outgoing executors included Alice Mar-
chak, whom Marlon trusted more than anybody on the face
ofthe earth. A piece that was going to be a modest tribute to
Brando suddenly became something that wound up con-
suming six months of my life. The article says as much about
the vanity of Hollywood as it does about Marlon and his mad-
ness. Brando was going to con the world; he was going to
outsmart everyone. But the con got conned."

ARTISTS SPACE

The illustration that accompanies Seven Deadly Disasters—
a look at potential real-life apocalyptic scenarios—is by
Yuko Shimizu. "| used the old Japanese wood-block print
of a tsunami as my inspiration," she says of her surrealistic
image of a monster-like wave. "The tsunami that happened
last year was scary. But Гт from Japan. We have earth-
quakes all the time. We have to live with the danger because
we can't avoid it. As for the technique, 1 drew this with brush
and ink on paper and then scanned it in and colored it."

Bill Roorbach, whose new
book, Temple Stream (Dial
Press), comes out in July, wrote
this month's fiction, The Fall.
“The story materialized be-
cause of all the hiking Гуе done
in the Longfellow and Bigelow
ranges," reports Roorbach. "I
heard about an accident years
ago—a kid went hiking with
his father, and his father was
killed in a fall. Since then | have
always wanted to write a story
based on losing somebody
when you're out on your own.
The girl in the story just kind of
arrived. Гуе admired a lot of the
self-reliant, outdoorsy women
Гуе had as students over the
years. That is how my best
stories always work—l smush
together different ideas."

In his books Snowblind and
Smokescreen, Robert Sabbag
takes readers inside the drug
trade. Now, with High in the
Canadian Rockies, he examines
the booming flow of bud com-
ing into the United States from
British Columbia. His piece is
the most contemporary take on
this hyperprofitable industry—
no one to this point has gotten
a look at the most secretive and
dangerous aspect of the busi-
ness: smuggling the stuff into
the U.S. "Clandestine meetings
with people you don't know,"
says Sabbag, "taking them at
their word and trusting you'll
come away alive—that makes a
story like this as exciting to write
as itis to read."

Photographer Harry Benson shot the Beatles' first American
tour and every president since Eisenhower, so the title of his
new book, Harry Benson's America (Harry N. Abrams), is par-
ticularly apt. He shot this month's fashion, Men in Blanco,
which features white suits. “| covered this shoot the same way
| would cover a news story, with the same intent, the same
concentration,” Benson says. "I think every man should have
a white suit. You put it on and you don't care if it gets dirty. You
just throw it on and crush it—that gives it character."

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vol. 52, no. 7—july 2005

PLAYBOY

features

100

SEVEN DEADLY DISASTERS

Killer lakes? Asteroids from space? Yellowstone erupting, Nashville collapsing and
Manhattan under the sea? Last December's tsunami was one of the most
devastating disasters on record —but worse is possible. BY WILLIAM SPEED WEED

25 EASY PIECES

Tech toys have been transformed from high-maintenance nightmares to the chill,
helpful companions you hoped they could be. From GPS navigation to digital
cameras to the high-definition TV with the best picture ever, we have the tech
you need to live the life you want. BY STEVE MORGENSTERN

HIGH IN THE CANADIAN ROCKIES

Transporting 250 pounds of top-quality marijuana over the Canadian border in

a helicopter during an orange alert seems like a scene from a comedy, but this
is no Cheech and Chong movie. We gained access to the inner workings of a
Canadian smuggling operation that nets a $20 million annual profit by providing
Americans with triple-A vanity weed from British Columbia. The demand is for
2,000 to 3,000 pounds a day. BY ROBERT SABBAG

THE FALL OF THE HOUSE OF BRANDO

Eccentric screen legend Marlon Brando was no stranger to tragedy, having
endured his son Christian's conviction for murder and his daughter Cheyenne's
suicide. Only 13 days before his death last year, Brando signed a codicil that
changed the executors of his estate and alienated longtime friends. If you
thought Brando's life was bizarre, you won't believe what has gone down behind
the scenes since he died. BY PETER MANSO

fiction

the playboy forum

THE FALL

A young couple embarks on a weeklong backpacking trip through Maine's
deep woods, but their romantic nature walk is cut short when it takes a
calamitous turn. BY BILL ROORBACH

THE END OF OIL

Is the world's oil supply nearly exhausted? Geophysicist М. King Hubbard pre- COVER STORY

dicted we would run out soon; economist William Stanley Jevons said black gold In the past two years swimsuit model Joanna

is plentiful. Who to believe? BY CHARLES С. MANN Krupa has been named the sexiest woman in
the world by magazines on four continents,
but now that she's posing with no bikini
200 strings attached she has positioned herself for

total global domination. Senior Contributin:
SCARLETT JOHANSSON керке Stephen ЫТЫЫ
Everyone still wonders what Bill Murray whispered into her ear at the end of Lost this sun-kissed beauty in her native habitat.
in Translation. The 20-year-old actress stops short of spilling, but she does explain The grains of sand that shape our Rabbit pass
what makes a lovely ass, tells us why she'd like to have sex in the backseat of a time on Joanna's hourglass figure.

car and identifies the movie scene she wishes had been cut. BY DAVID RENSIN

interview

OWEN WILSON

He appears to be an off-kilter slacker in Starsky £ Hutch and Zoolander, but
the actor-writer has won critical praise and even an Oscar nomination for his
work in such films as Rushmore, The Royal Tenenbaums and Bottle Rocket.
The impossible-to-categorize Wilson discusses why gyms are creepy, the appeal
of 7-Elevens and why picking up women at weddings (as his character in Wed-
ding Crashers does) is like fishing with dynamite. BY JERRY STAHL

PLAYBOY

vol. 52, no. 7—july 2005

pictorials

118

KARINA, KARINA: А DELI-
CIOUS DOUBLE EXPOSURE
Karina Lombard, who played a
lesbian temptress on Showtime's
The L Word, gets sapphic with...
herself. People of all orientations
will do a double take.

PLAYMATE: О!АМА CHASE
The statuesque model and
makeup artist has been told her
legs “go from here to heaven.”
Prepare for divine inspiration.

SUPER KRUPA

Joanna Krupa, the planet's pre-
mier swimsuit model, sidelines
her bikini and shows off her
birthday suit as she returns to
the beach to radiate more heat.

notes and news

113

155

WORLD OF PLAYBOY

MARDI GRAS MANSION
MADNESS

The bead slingers who celebrated
Fat Tuesday with Hef included
Paris Hilton, Luke Wilson and the
always colorful Painted Ladies.

CENTERFOLDS ON SEX:
KAREN MCDOUGAL

The 1998 PMOY recalls good and
bad pickup lines and praises the
erogenous power of the hip bone.

PLAYMATE NEWS

Jennifer Walcott plays a sexy
counselor in American Pie: Band
Camp; Courtney Rachel Culkin
bowls for charity with the New York
Knicks; actress Christina Moore
explains why Jenny McCarthy is.
her favorite Playmate.

departments

1
15

PLAYBILL
DEAR PLAYBOY

19
39
45
98
131
159
160
162

AFTER HOURS
MANTRACK

THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR
PARTY JOKES

WHERE AND HOW TO BUY
ON THE SCENE
GRAPEVINE

POTPOURRI

fashion

104

MEN IN BLANCO

The secret to Latín cool lies with
the white suits and shirts whose
chic urbane style might send your
Hawaiian prints into retirement,
BY JOSEPH DE ACETIS

THE WHITE STUFF
Accessories, too, turn a whiter shade
of рае. BY JOSEPH DE ACETIS

reviews

MOVIES

Tim Burton cooks up a trippy
Charlie and the Chocolate Fac-
tory; hear the voice of doom—
Doctor Doom—in Fantastic Four.

DVDS

The duo of Swank and Eastwood
packs a punch in Million Dollar
Baby; the best sports DVDs.

MUSIC

Chew on the tasty beats of
Missy Elliott's Cook Book;
Coldplay transcends its glum
perspective with X&Y.

GAMES

Be the gray alien in Destroy All
Humans!; ingenious accessories
for your Sony PSP.

BOOKS

Authors Umberto Eco and Paul
Theroux flesh out the inspirations
for their latest novels; go to
school with Andre de Dienes's
Studies of the Female Nude.

PRINTED IN U.S.A.

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PLAYBOY

HUGH M. HEFNER

editor-in-chief

CHRISTOPHER NAPOLITANO.
editorial director

STEPHEN RANDALL deputy editor
TOM STAEBLER art director

GARY COLE photo

LEOPOLD FROEHLICH executive editor

raphy director

ROBERT LOVE ed

r at large

EDITORIAL
FEATURES: JAMIE MALANOWSKI features editor; AJ. BAIME articles editor FASHION: JOSEPH DE ACETIS
director FORUM: сни ROWE senior editor; PATTY LAMBERT! assistant editor MODERN LIVING:
SCOTT ALEXANDER senior editor STAFF: ALISON PRATO Senior associate editor; ROBERT В. DESALVO,
TIMOTHY MOHR associate editors; JOSH ROBERTSON assistant editor; VIVIAN COLON, HEATHER НАЕВЕ
KENNY LULL editorial assistants CARTOONS: MICHELLE URRY editor COPY: WINIFRED ORMOND
copy chief; STEVE GORDON associate copy chief; CAMILLE CAUTI senior copy editor; JEAN котик copy editor
RESEARCH: DAVID COHEN research director; BRENDAN BARR senior researcher; DAVID PFISTER associate

senior researcher; AP BRADBURY, RON MOTTA, DARON MURPHY, MATTHEW SHEPATIN researchers;

MARK DURAN research librarian EDITORIAL PRODUCTION: JENNIFER JARONECZYK HAWTHORNE
assistant managing editor; VALERIE THOMAS manager; VALERY SOROKIN associate READER
SERVICE: Mike OSTROWSKI corresponde nt CONTRIBUTING EDITORS: MARK BOAL (WRITER

AT LARGE) KEVIN BUCKLEY, SIMON COOPER, GRETCHEN EDGREN, LAWRENCE GROBEL. KEN GROSS
JENNIFER RYAN JONES (FASHION), WARREN KALBACKER, ARTHUR KRETCHMER (AUTOMOTIVE
JOE MORGENSTERN. BARBARA NELLIS, MERIEM ORLET (FASHION), JAMES R. PETERSEN, STEPHEN REBELLO,

DAVID RENSIN, DAVID SHEFF, DAVID STEVENS, JOHN D. THOMAS, ALICE К. TURNER

HEIDI PARKER west coast editor

ART
SCOTT ANDERSON, BRUCE HANSEN, CHET SUSKI, LEN WILLIS, КОВ WILSON senior art directors,
PAUL CHAN senior art assistant; JOANNA METZGER art assistant,

CORTEZ WELLS art services coordinator; MALINA LEE senior art administrator

PHOTOGRAPHY

MARILYN GRABOWSKI west coast editor; им LARSON managi ditor; PATTY BEAUDET-FRANCES.

KEVIN KUSTER. STEPHANIE MORRIS senior editors; RENAY LARSON assistant editor
ARNY FREYTAG, STEPHEN WAYDA senior contributing photographers; GEORGE GEORGIOU staff

photographer; RICHARD 1201, MIZUNO, BY

N NEWMAN, GEN NISHINO, DAVID RAMS contributing

photographers; вил. WHITE studio manager—los angeles; BONNIE JEAN KENN
manager, photo library; KEVIN CRAIG manager, photo lab; MATT STEIGBIGEL photo

researcher; PENNY EKKERT, KRYSTLE JOHNSON production coordinators

DIANE SILBERSTEIN publisher

ADVERTISING

JEFF KIMMEL advertising director; RON STERN new york manager; HELEN MANCULLA direct response

ertising director; MARIE FIRNENO advertising operations director; KARA SARISKY advertising
coordinator NEW YORK: LARRY MENKES entertainment/electronics manager; SHERI WARNKE southeast
manager; TONY SARDINAS, TRACY WISE account managers CHICAGO: WADE BAXTER midwest sales
manager LOS ANGELES: РЕТЕ AUERBACH, COREY SPIEGEL west coast managers DETROIT
DAN COLEMAN detroit manager SAN FRANCISCO: ED MEAGHER northwest manager

MARKETING
LISA NATALE associate publisher/marketing; JULIA LIGHT marketing services director; CHRISTOPHER SHOOLIS

research director; DONNA TAVOSO creati

services director; BELINDA BANK merchandising manager

PRODUCTION

MARIA MANDIS director; JODY JURGETO production manager; CINDY PONTARELLA, DEBBIE TILLOU associate

managers; CHAR KROWCZ

BARB TEKIELA assistant ma

gers; BILL BENWAY, SIMMIE WILLIAMS prepres

CIRCULATION

LARRY A. DJERF newsstand sales director; PHYLLIS ROTUNNO subscription circulation director

ADMINISTRATIVE

MARCIA TERRONES rights & permissions director

PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES INTERNATIONAL, INC
CHRISTIE HEFNER chairman, chief executive officer

JAMES P RADTKE senior vice president and general manager

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НЕЕ CURBS HIS ENTHUSIASM

In past episodes of HBO's Curb Your Enthusiasm, cantankerous star Larry David
(above, with Hef and director David Steinberg) recommended a deranged nanny,
got a kid drunk and generally mucked things up. But when Larry visits the Man-
sion and admires Hef's smoking jacket, really funny stuff starts to happen

AN ELVIRA SPOOKTACULAR
Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, hosts a
special about Hef's world-famous
Halloween parties. Catch it on the
Monster Channel or on DVD

GET LUCKY WITH PAMELA
If you've ever dreamed of pushing Pam
Anderson's buttons, now you can—sort
of. At Bally's in Vegas the megastar touts
our exclusive Pam slot machines.

A FOUR-BUNNY
SALUTE TO OUR
TROOPS
Patriotic Playboy
Mansion Bunnies
Holly Madison, Tif-
fany Fallon, Bridget
Marquardt and Des-
tiny Davis proudly
salute the brave
soldiers who are
fighting in Iraq with
specially prepared
Playmate care pack-
ages. The packages,
which were mailed
to the troops, in-
clude homemade
cookies and auto-
p graphed photos.

IF YOU DON'T
SWING, DON'T
PLAY GOLF

The Playboy Golf
Scramble starts on the
links and ends at the
Mansion with a star-
studded bash. From far
J left: One Tree Hill's
| James Lafferty and
Î Playmate Pilar Lastra;
Jennifer Walcott, Cara
Wakelin, Jeremy Piven
and Stacy Ризоп; Jamie
McBride, Johnie Alves,
Alfonso Ribeiro and
Cris Judd with Play-
mate Bunnies.

FILTER KINGS BOX

16 mg. “tar”, 1.2 mg. nicotine av. per cigarette by FTC method. Actual amount
may vary depending on how you smoke. Рог T&N info, visit www. jrttarnic.com.

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Cigarette

Smoke Contains Carbon Monoxide.

BE AUTHENTIC.

ны KADI

, BE TRUE.

Who needs Bourbon Street when you've got і
Beverly Hills? Hef hosted а Мага Gras party
featuring Bunnies, beads and bold-face names.
(1) The host hanging with his three girlfriends
and a crew of costumed Centerfolds. (2) En-
star Kevin Dillon and two Painted Ladies

doing a Jell-O shot. (3) Hefand Luke Wilson.
(4) CST's Archie Kao with actress Kelly Vaughn.
(5) Playmates Jillian Grace and Deanna Brooks
flanking Philadelphia Eagle Freddie Mitchell.
(6) The Mansion's notorious Painted Ladies. (7)
Adrian Grenier of Entourage with Bridget, Holly,
Hef and Kendra. (8) The incomparable Paris
Hilton. (9) Celeb photog Ken Sax and director
Michael Bay. (10) Playmates Courtney Rachel
Culkin, Kara Monaco and Jillian Grace with
Crispin Glover. (11) Hef, Holly and Bridget with
Amazing Race stars Jonathan Baker, Victoria

> Fuller, Hayden Kristianson and Aaron
Crumbaugh. (12) Kendra and Amber
Campisi. (13) PMOY Tiffany Fallon with
the Man. (14) Gary Busey's son Jake with
Elizabeth Flynn. (15) Holly, Hef and - 2
The L Word's Karina Lombard. 9. %

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MORE OF LES

The Playboy Interview with CBS chair-
man Les Moonves (April) is interesting,
but two of his comments stand out as
pure crap. After Dan Rather's fraudu-
lent 60 Minutes П exposé about George
W. Bush's National Guard service,
Rather continued working at the net-
work. Moonves says Rather had no rea-
son to step down because the newsman
had taken the “appropriate steps” to
authenticate the documents. How can
CBS continue to employ Rather in any
capacity? Appearing on The Late Show
With David Letterman, Rather justified
his actions by saying no one had
proved the documents were forgeries.

Should Les Moonves have fired Dan Rather?

Wasn't that something CBS should
have done before airing its report?
Moonves should have fired Rather for
his complicity. Second, it's laughable for
Moonves to imply that the panel inves-
tigating the incident found no political
bias. It accused CBS News of “myopic
zeal.” It should have added “left wing"
to that phrase.

George Ousley

Indian Wells, California

You promised to give us the real
story on Rather. However, David Sheff
missed chances to ask a lot of important
questions. For instance, why did it take
Rather and CBS so long to pursue this
story, especially after Greg Palast
reported some elements of it for the
BBC in 2003? On his website Palast
writes, "A year after the BBC broadcast,
the I'm-going-to-be-a-real-journalist-
now Rather decided to run the

story. Just as he predicted, the р!
police at the network and in the White

ame

ЫЕ ng

y D ©

House seized him and lit a tire around
his neck. What was Dan's mistake? He
shouldn't have embellished with a
document he couldn't fully source. But
that memo was about a side issue, not
the key accusation, which is that Bush
Senior got Junior out of the draft. De-
spite there not being a jot of evidence
that the story of draft-dodgin' George
is wrong, CBS cited Rather's insistence
on the veracity of that report as grounds
to crush his career and reputation.
Rather was convicted by a corporate
kangaroo court." The success of the
right wing has been to obfuscate the
central point: George W. Bush got spe-
cial treatment. Your interview only
clouds the issue further.

Brian LeCloux

DeForest, Wisconsin

Many successful men are self-edu-
cated. Is Moonves on the list? Your
interview doesn't mention his educa-
tion. I find it interesting that even chil-
dren know his name. My niece and
nephew think he's cool because David
Letterman calls him during his show.

M. Shepard
Houston, Texas

Moonves graduated from Bucknell Uni-
versity and studied acting at New York's
Neighborhood Playhouse.

Why didn’t Sheff press Moonves fur-
about his relationship with CBS's
rly Show anchor Julie Chen, whom he
married soon after divorcing his spouse
of 25 years? It's obvious he cheated on
his wife. Plus, having a relationship
with someone you supervise is a con-
flict of interest.
Rubin Green
Los Angeles, California
To say Moonves is Chen's supervisor is a
stretch. He would not discuss his personal
life beyond what you read in the interview.

DANCER DOG TAGS

In “License to Thrill” (After Hours,
April) you write about a new San
Antonio ordinance that requires strip-
pers to wear a visible license. Houston
has a similar law: Dancers who per-
form in sexually oriented businesses
must wear a license. I represent a
dancer at GiGi's Cabaret who uses the
stage name Mercedes. Vice cops paid
a visit there following a news report
about the city’s topless clubs. The
dancers in that club wear latex over
their breasts and bottoms that are no
more skimpy than what I see by the
pool at my apartment comple
According to my client, she al
ing onto the stage when an officer

stopped her to inspect the license
attached to her shoe. It had expired,
and she was arrested. Because Mer-
cedes had a prior misdemeanor con-
viction for possession of marijuana,
she faced at least 30 days in jail. As
part of plea negotiations the DA
offered 20 days. Mercedes turned it
down; she wants a jury to consider
what she feels is an unjust law. Appar-
ently the First Amendment is null and
void when it comes to expressive danc-
ing in a sexually oriented business.
Russell M. Webb
Houston, Texas

THE GIRLS FROM IPANEMA
Whoever is responsible for the lu
cious Born in Brazil pictorial (April) has
my eternal gratitude!
James Brown
‘Jacksonville, Florida

freshing to see gorgeous
women with their pubic hair intact.
Keith Reece
Woodstock, Georgia

Wow! There's nothing sexier than a
woman with tan line:

ry Petersen
port, lowa

Hey, Livia—you missed a spot

My rLAYBOY subscription lapsed 20
ars ago, but I recently renewed. I was
sed to read the great articles in the
ssue by Peter Arnett and Lou
mong others. But one t
struck me. I counted only five photos
that include women of color—one in a
small article about a movie, two in ads
and two in Grapevine. Even your Brazil-
ian pictorial doesn't include any black

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women. This disappointed me because
PLAYBOY is historically such a progres-
sive magazine.

James Hopewell

Fort Washington, Maryland

We don't work with quotas but choose

photos based solely on their visual appeal. At
the same time we are always working to
broaden the number and variety of models
we see. We count on our readers to let us
Know how we're doing—welcome back.

DEUTSCHLAND

In an age when American consumers
are inundated with a confusing mix of
fabricated politics and unreliable news
reports, adman and talk show host
Donny Deutsch (It's an Ad, Ad, Ad, Ad
World, April) shamelessly asserts him-
self as an outspoken leader of conven-
tional media. Finally, here
knows who he is and, more
who we are and what we want: the
unabashed truth.

Ben McGuinness
Chicago, Illinois

IN THE RAW
It's a turnoff to see WWE diva
Christy Hemme wearing fur on your
April cover. Please keep showing skin—
just not animal skin
Chris Holbein
Newton, Massachusetts
You'll be glad to know the fur is faux.

Thanks for a spe
Christy is ravishing
Jeff Muldnow Jr.
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

acular pictori

COURTNEY RETURNS
Courtney Rachel Culkin, your A;
Playmate (А New Yorker, Naturally), s
she doesn't have to date a guy to figure
him out. Lam willing to sacrifice a week-
end of my time to prove that men are
more complicated than she thinks.
Joshua Stangl
Eau Claire, Wisconsin

It's wonderful to see a Centerfold
with some thighs and ass on her. Men
need to sce how beautiful sizes six to
10 can be.

Kim Brautigam
Franklin Park, Illinois

Since first laying eyes on her in your
50th Anniversary Playmate Hunt (De-
cember 2003), I have dreamed of see-
ing Courtn mate. She sure
puts this country boy in a New York
state of mind.

Jim Bog
Louisa, Kentucky

POKER PARTY
In his guide to hosting a home
poker game (А Full House, April), Phil

Gordon writes that the “chips should

ave a little heft. Use anything shy of
grams—the standard casino
weight—and you may as well be play-
ing with five-and-dime plastic jobbies.”
Yet the chips shown on the opposite
page, made by All-In, weigh 10.5
grams. All-In's website says this is the
standard casino weight and that fake
clay composite chips made from plas-
tic with metal inserts usually weigh
11.5 grams. I'm just curious as to who
is right and what the standard casino
weight actually is

Garrett Wickson
Miami, Florida
In reality there is no standard casino
weight. We know this because Tom Golabek
of pokerchipsvideo.com, who performs chip
tricks, collected $1 chips from 39 poker
rooms in Las Vegas, Atlantic City and
Florida and weighed each on a triple-beam
scale. The lightest weighed 8.9 grams and
the heaviest 12.1. Seventy percent weighed
less than 10.5 grams, and only two of the 22
Vegas chips weighed more than 10.

Heavy chips work best for the home game

Gordon notes that some players may
not have the cash or the cojones for no-
limit Texas Hold "Em. A practical solu-
tion is a low-limit tournament, which I
describe in my book Get the Edge at Low-
Limit Texas Hold 'Em. You can set the
entry fee at any price as long as all the
players agree. Since many home games
are more social than cutthroat, even
the worst player will keep coming back
if he knows his losses will be limited.
Speaking of socializing, why not re-
place that boring guys-only party with
a coed tourney? If you aren't having
any luck with the cards, the excitement
the game generates could mean you'll
get lucky late:

Bill Burton

New Britain, Connecticut

E-mail: DEARPB@PLAYBOY.COM Or write: 730 FIFTH AVENUE, NEW YORK, NEW YORK 10019

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Bobbi Sue
Luther

Starlet to Hef: Say the word and
the snakeskin comes off

obbi Sue Luther isn't a Playmate,
but she guest stars as one this sea-
son on Curb Your Enthusiasm. "I've
never done nudity, but if Hef is reading,
I'm not opposed to the idea," she says.
"When | played an Orion slave girl on
Enterprise, | was covered in green paint,
had a thin piece of snakeskin across my
breasts and wore a thong. | guess | was
the first Orion female on Star Trek in
more than 30 years, and | got a crazy
fan response." Earlier in her life the re-
action from peers wasn't always of the
tongue-wagging variety. “I had food

"| was really dorky, and
I'm still a dork, but I’ve
kind of filled out."

thrown at me in high school," she says.
"| was really dorky, and I’m still a dork,
but I've kind of filled out." Growing up
in rural Maryland, Bobbi Sue showed
horses competitively and won a full col-
lege scholarship to Maryland thanks to
a killer tennis game. After school she
moved to L.A. and appeared as the
snake girl wrapped around Eminem's
chest in his "Superman" video; she hits
the big screen this summer as a sexy re-
porter in Deuce Bigalow: European Gig-
olo. In real life, though, this blonde
prefers gentlemen. “There is no place
for arrogance in this world," she says.
“You don't have to kiss my ass, but it's
nice to open a door for a lady. Guys,
it's important to pay attention and set
a precedent. Then all you have to do is
make me laugh and keep up with me!"

г e u5B Y

PHOTOGRAPHY BY JOHN RUSSO

| afterhours

BOBBI SUE, PART DEUX

BEAUTY AND THE BEACI I've
gone to a topless beach in the south
of France," says Bobbi Sue. "As
open-minded as the people are, you
get looks if your breasts а -
hanced. | didn't see anyone

boobs like mine, so the reaction
was, ‘Oh my God! Look at those!'"

WHAT'S COOKIN'?: Bobbi Sue is a
former sous-chef and ап ипгереп-
tant foodie. “In my fridge I always
have spicy deviled eggs, which 1
can eat any day,” she says. “There's
also sugar-free Red Bull, guacamole
and breakfast food, like eggs and
turkey sausage. I'm such an eater.”

SHOUT AT THE DEVIL: "I just had a
Bible thumper come up to me and
say that I'm using my looks to
Iproselytize the devil and that |
Should find God," says Bobbi Sue.
“хаш, 1 didn't know he was ever
Tost,’ lim not religious, but | think
Pm highly spiritual.”

SWEEP ON THIS: On BobbiSue
Cuthermet true fans can buy а full-
Size pillow adorned with her im-
эде: "I'm topless and in lingerie,

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quicker picker-upper

INSTANT CHARMERS

А BEST-SELLING AUTHOR'S
THOUGHTS TURN TO LOVE

Malcolm Gladwell is the author of this
year's immediately successful book
Blink: The Power of Thinking Without
Thinking, about the conclusions we
draw, as he says, “in the first two sec-
onds of looking.” We asked him about
meeting women.

PLAYBOY: Does love at first sight exist?
GLADWELL: Just so we're clear, if "love at
first sight" means knowing whether
you're sexually interested in and com-
patible with someone, the answer is
yes. Human beings make these kinds of
judgments very well and very quickly. A
three-minute speed date is two minutes
and 55 seconds too long.

PLAYBOY: |5 that because we find а cer-
tain type sexually attractive?

GLADWELL: We tell a story about who we're interested in, but it
bears no relationship to what happens in the moment. In
speed dating, if | ask you to describe what you think you're
attracted to, your description will have almost nothing in com-
mon with who you are actually attracted to. We have no clue
what we're going to find attractive.

PLAYBOY: Are men and women different in this cluelessness?
GLADWELL: This part of it seems gender neutral. What isn't

gender neutral, using the speed-dating-environment example,
is that men will almost always be attracted to about half the
women in a room, regardless of how many there are. Women
will always be attracted to two or three men in a room, regard-
less of the number of men. Women are a lot more conserva-
tive, and they put more of their eggs in one basket. But |

don't think they're any more in touch than men are with this
mysterious thing called sexual attraction.

INSTANT FACTS A movie frame is on the screen for 0.04 sec-
onds. Google can search its database of 8,058,044,651 pages
and return 1,130,000 hits for “Рилувоу Playmate" in 0.06 sec-
onds. A human blink takes 0.3 seconds. A 95-mile-an-hour fast-
ball goes from the pitcher's hand to the plate in 0.39 seconds. A
tennis serve that comes off the racket at 130 miles an hour
reaches the returner in 0.5 seconds. An average adult's heart
beats every 0.8 seconds. Boxer Roy Jones Jr. can throw six
punches in 1 second. John Hinckley fired six shots at President
Ronald Reagan in 1.2 seconds. Steven Petrosino set the world
record for beer drinking by consuming a liter in 1.3 seconds.
Janet Jackson's breast was exposed for 1.7 seconds.

Which headline goes with this picture from The New York Times?
(A) MLB PONDERS ALTERNATIVES TO PEAKED CAP (B) CLERICS FIGHTING A GAY
FESTIVAL FOR JERUSALEM (C) ARCHBISHOP OF SANTALAND JOINS PANEL ON
RELIGIOUS HOLIDAYS (D) HATS OFF TO HOBOKEN

DES

quickies

TODAY'S SEX NEWS
IN SECONDS FLAT

SAXONY, Germany—
Archaeologists have
discovered 7,200-year-
old statues they believe
depict a man and woman
having sex, which would
be by far the oldest pornog-
raphy on record. Male figure
thought to be based on Ron
Jeremy.... LONDON—British
baby-food company Cow & Gate reports that one in three
British men admits to trying his partner's breast milk. One in
four admits to pouring it over Weetabix.... BOISE, Idaho—To
skirt local laws against bottomless dancing, strip bar Erotic
City held Art Club nights, at which patrons paid $15 for a
sketch pad and pencil. Art-hating cops busted the club any-
way.... NEW JERSEY—Unsatisfied customer Michael Coluzzi
is suing the makers of Alzare, a penis-enlargement pill that
claims a 95 percent success rate. Good to see someone
standing up for the little guys.... NEW YORK CITY—A court
has ruled that male cross-dressers can't use ladies' public
restrooms. Good to see someone speaking out against gals
who stand.... LONDON— The Sun has launched a campaign
to save Jordan's 32FF jublies. The model and party girl has

complained they're "a little big." Be careful what you pay for.

afterhours

| born to boogie |

month

Does the single atop the hit
parade the day you were born
anything about who you
are? According to Popstrology
author Ian Van Tuyl, yes it
does—witness the strange
logic of chart-topping tunes as
he breaks them down for a
few famous musicians.

Kurt Cobain (2/20/1967):
d of a Drag," by the
Buckinghams "Yes, those
born under ‘Kind of a Drag’
can be melancholy, but with
Kurt Cobain you also have to
consider Courtney Love. Her
birth song was ‘I Get Around.’
Popstrologically it was a
recipe for disaster.

Britney Spears (12/2/1981):
“Physical,” by Olivia New-
ton-John “Olivia Newton-
John was a popstrological
shape-shifter, morphing from
the wholesome Australian
good girl of ‘Please Mr. Please’
to the sweaty, leotard-clad vixen of ‘Physical.’ It’s at the moment
when Olivia is embracing her inner strumpet that little Britney
pops out. The Bush twins are Physicals too—their birth star tells
us they're classic good girls yearning to be a little bad.”

Eminem (10/17/1972): “My Ding-a-Ling,” by Chuck Berry “Natu-
rally those born under the influence of Chuck Berry can achieve
success by creating art considered shocking in its day. But for all
Chuck Berry's influence on pop music, his only number one sin-
gle was this bawdy joke, ‘My Ding-a-Ling —Ding-a-Lings often
have something of the ironic genius-clown mentality.”

O BEAUTIFUL, FOR
CLOUDY SKIES

THE FORECAST CALLS
FOR A DARK & STORMY
Betsy Ross may have done us
a grand old flag, but whoever
was supposed to mix our na-
tional drink dropped the ball.
Substitute Bermuda's Dark &
Stormy: Gosling's Black Seal
Rum, sharp ginger beer, and
lemon or lime. At New York's
Grace, where the cooler is a
patron favorite, the ginger
beer of choice is D&G.

ONTRACT( ISTANT КЕ!
SHC )FF HER IMPRES 11)
PLAYBOY: Where do you
work?

El | do office work
for a general contractor
in Arizona. We build sin-
gle-family homes. It's a
little of everything—con-
tracts, securing permits,
submitting plans to the
city. Pretty much what-
ever needs to be done
PLAYBOY: What do you
wear at work?

ELLI: I live in a great community. It's on a lake,
and everyone spends the entire summer hanging
out there. I'm into sports, the more extreme the
better. | have a boat and | Jet Ski—but wakeboard-
ing is my thing.

PLAYBOY: Ever lose your bikini top?

KELLI: Sometimes when | wipe out, and | don't real-

ize it until | get back to the boat. That happens often.

ployee of the Month c.

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[ afterhours

drinking games

THE LAWN & SPORT OF IT

LAZY SUMMER GAMES FOR COWBOYS AND KINGS
Distinguish your backyard social with some friendly competi-
tion—but nothing too strenuous. Break out the badminton, say,
and you'll be blamed if someone turns an ankle. Better to choose
a classic one-handed amusement: Boys and girls can compete
on equal terms, and you never have to set down your drink.
Petanque (invented in France circa 1910) Call this game
bocce within earshot of French people and risk a faceful of
Roquefort. Object: Land a small metal ball (boule) near a
smaller wooden one (cochon). What to get: set of eight boules
and two cochons by OBUT ($60). Useful expression: “Мегае!”
Bocce (Italy, Roman Empire) Like petanque but different.
Object: Land a large, heavy resin ball near a smaller resin ball
(the pallino). What to get: the Paris International Bocce Set
($119). Useful expression: “Veni, vidi, vici.”

Lawn darts (Native American) Indians played something like it
with corncobs. Object: Lob your pointy thing so it lands in a small
ring. What to get: Sorry, Charlie, it's been illegal to sell lawn darts
in the United States since 1988. Useful expression: “Ow, you've
punctured my eyeball. Please call an ambulance."

Horseshoes (Ancient Greece) It's the workingman's lawn game,
one that goes particularly well with bottled domestic beer.
Object: Score a ringer by landing a horseshoe on a metal rod.
What to get: the Professional set by St, Pierre ($39). Useful
expression: "Dadgummit."

Croquet (Britain, 1066) You need two hands (and the odd foot)
for this one. Object: Use a mallet to whack your ball through
the wickets before your opponents can do the same; a good
strike will send theirs flying into the neighbor's swimming pool.
What to get: Hurlingham croquet set from Wood Mallets Ltd.
($560). Useful expression: “Well played, Nigel, old bean."
Lawn bowls (Britain, 1299) Considered an actual sport in Com-

DON'T
LEAF HOME
WITHOUT IT
Canadians are a
proud people—and
why not? There's
something to be
said for not pissing
y off the rest of the
world. If you're
traveling this sum-
mer, the Go Cana-
dian kit's sticker,
patch, T-shirt and
pin might lower
your profile and cut
down on heckling.
Go from arrogant
regime changer
to humble Mol-
son swiller in sec-
onds. Clever, eh?
(t-shirtking.com/
gocanadian)

monwealth countries, this is no casual toss around. True lawn
bowls requires a square, level surface as manicured as a
putting green. Object: Roll your heavy black balls (woods) as
close to the small wooden ball (the jack) as possible. The
woods are biased so that a well (or poorly) spun ball will curve.
What to get: set of Drakes Pride professional bowls for $235.
Did we mention you need a white suit and special shoes? Use-
ful expression: "No, go the other way, you stupid ball."

ALL SUITED UP

ONLY AN AMATEUR WOULD LOSE THIS SHIRT

Bowlers wear bowling shirts, tennis players wear tennis
shoes, and golfers wear golf slacks—poker wear was inev-
itable. Festooned with cards and chips, shirts by High
Roller Fashions are 100 percent silk to keep bluffers cool.

SIGNIFICA,

— "|

Eat Me. No, Really

INSIGNIFICA, STATS AND FACTS

Adult Education

26% of Americans can name a porn star—
39% of men and 15% of women. Jenna Jame-
son is the most frequently cited, followed by
Ron Jeremy, John Holmes and Linda Lovelace.

Freaking
Ridiculous

Under a measure
that passed the U.S.
House 389 to 38,
the proposed maxi-
mum federal fine for
sayin; ck” on

the radio: $500,000.
The current maxi-
mum federal fine for
illegally testing pes-
ticides on human
beings: $500,000.

Percentage of political corporate contributions
that went to the GOP in the 2004 elections:

Pizza Hut 85%
Chili's 92%
Hooters 96%
Outback Steakhouse 98%

missioned a team of 17 chefs from Harrods to
make a praline-and-butterscotch-filled cake in her
image. It cost $9,500 and stood four feet tall.

Horns of
Dilemma

45 to 12
Vote of the
Wyoming state
house in favor
of designat-
ing an official
state mythical
creature—the
jackalope.

If Being Wrong [$
Wrong, They Don't
Wanna Be...Uh...

Polled Americans who'd fight for
the USA “right or wrong”:

Republicans 66%
Democrats 33%
Independents 42%

For her London birthday party Mariah Carey com- | |

| от mu Jesus Built
Largest Crossword Puzzle My Hot Rod

$37,000 Paid at an
64,371 words, composed over the course of auction for Branch
seven years by Russian couple Svetlana and Davidian leader David
Semyon Belyayev. Its dimensions are 6 by 8 Koresh's 1968 Ca-
meters, and Svetlana estimates it would take

maro. The seller had
two years to complete. hoped to get $80,000.

sn’ M
Fakin’ It
Age of the giant
stone penises
near the Peruvian
village of Chu-
cuito said to be
the ruins of an
Incan fertility
shrine that has
drawn millions
of tourists:

12 years.

Tempted by the
booming tourism
industry at near-
by Lake Titicaca,
locals erected
the ersatz erec-
tions in 1993.

IN 07, EVERYONE HAS A ROLE. WHAT WOULD YOURS BE?

EIGHT HOURS OF CHOICES YOU'LL NEVER WANT TO MAKE. Шү
Own The Complete Fifth Season of 0Z on DVD. ^

FANTASTIC FOUR

More comic book superheroes storm the screen

"The stunts were so huge. | watched the effects team cata
pulting guys clear across a football field, and | was like, ‘I
don't think I'm doing that,” says Julian McMahon, who stars
in the big-screen version of the Marvel Comics favorite Fan-
tastic Four as the armor-encased, fiendishly brilliant villain
Victor Von Doom (a.k.a. Doctor Doom), the guy who makes
things tense for fantastic foursome Chris Evans, Michael Chik-
lis, Jessica Alba and loan Gruffudd. For the uninitiated, think
of the Fantastic Four as the comics world's superhero А:
team—a group of astronauts who survive intense radiation
exposure only to emerge with superpower attributes such as
invisibility, infinite stretchability, the ability to start fire and
impenetrable skin. But just

because McMahon—TV's wom- "Everyone has
anizing, morally challenged dá

plastic surgeon on Nip/Tuck— AN OPINION of

wasn't about to hurtle across a what Doctor
football field for his art doesn't n
Doom should be.

mean he had it easy.

“The idea of playing this part
was a little overwhelming,” he says, “because everybody has
an opinion of what Doctor Doom could or should be. | delved
back into the comics over the past 50 years and studied bad
guys in films and literature. Then | just dumped all of it. | don't
want to hear anybody say ‘You suck in this' or ‘That isn't what
Doctor Doom was like at all,’ | feel | did the best | could to fill
those big shoes.” Stephen Rebello

Wedding Crashers -

Ison, Vir hn, ¢

/alken) Wilson and dires are divorce mediators who spend
their weekends crashing weddings, mostly to pick up brides-
maids. Things get funny when they get too cozy with beautiful,

engaged McAdams and tangle with her offbeat dad (Walken).

Our call: Friends and frequent
co-stars Wilson and Vaughn
(along with Will Ferrell in a small
role) cook up their usual hip an-
archy. What would summer be
without a goofball comedy?

Bewitched

(Ni Will Ferrell rl Laughs, ro-
mance and spell casting by nose twitching ensue when a TV
crew filming a remake of the long-running series—about a
suburban witch who uses her powers to assist her mortal
spouse realizes its star (Kidman) is the real deal.

Our call: Kidman is a spookily
perfect Elizabeth Montgomery
substitute. But look for Ferrell
to steal the show as her befud-
dled husband trying to revive
his acting career.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Carter Dapp and director Tim Burton—the De Niro- (ремин
of the surreally twisted—team up for this revamp of Roald
Dahl's classic about five tykes touring a demented chocolate
factory presided over by the eccentric Willy Wonka.

Our call: With the merrily off-
kilter Depp and Burton cur-
rently enjoying career rolls, this
is perfect for 1970s kids who
never got over the oddball Gene
Wilder movie from their youth.

Happy Endings

1) In this Comedy drama free toral flmmaker
Bradford! БОЕ БН) counselor K Маат}; Gyl-
lenhaal beds both Arnold and his son Ritter, who in turn lusts
after Kudrow's stepbrother, who... well, then things get crazy.

Our call: It's got a great cast
and a kindly attitude toward
wayward relationships, but di-
rector Don Roos (The Opposite
of Sex) doesn't always deliver
for mainstream audiences.

reviews [ dvds

Г MILLION DOLLAR BABY |
Hilary Swank is a knockout in Clint Eastwood's boxing opus

Clint Eastwood diminishes the tawdry allure of ferocious girl-on-girl action with Million
Dollar Baby, a more-than-just-boxing movie that earned the grizzled film giant his latest
Oscars, for best picture and best director. Eastwood croaks his way through the film as
Frankie Dunn, a haunted cut man turned trainer burning off his waning days at his run-
down L.A. gym. Redemption shows up in the form of Maggie Fitzgerald (Hilary Swank),

а 30-year-old wannabe who is
desperate for Dunn's guidance
and eventually becomes a title
contender. Dunn's sidekick,
Eddie "Scrap Iron" Dupris (Mor-
gan Freeman), narrates the
tale, a fable with Rocky over-
tones that come thudding to
the canvas in the film's much
discussed and top-secret third-
act plot twist. Critics dubbed
the film a knockout, but it's
more of a crippling body blow.
And all the better for it. Extras:
A women-in-boxing featurette
and a roundtable discussion
with Eastwood, Freeman and
Swank. УУУУ -Greg Fagan

THE X-FILES MYTHOLOGY: ABDUCTION
(2005) The truth is still out there for
agents Scully (Gillian Anderson) and Mulder
(David Duchovny) in a new four-disc com-
pilation of 16 episodes culled from sea-
sons one through three that follow the
alien-abduction story line. This is the first
of four planned sets that shrewdly reor-
ganize, by theme, the otherworldly FBI
cases of the sexy skeptic and her ET-
manic partner. Extras: Commentary tracks
on select episodes;
part one of creator
Chris Carter's new
X-Files-illuminat-
ing documentary
Threads of Mythol-
Ору. ¥¥¥¥

—Robert В. DeSalvo

HOSTAGE (2005) Bruce Willis is an LAPD
hostage negotiator who relocates to a
sleepy town after a failed case leaves а
family dead. He is soon sucked back into
his old job, this time negotiating for two
sets of hostages, one of which is his
own family. This is one unpleasant movie,
filled with stom-
ach-churning gra-
tuitous violence.
Extras: Behind-the-
scenes footage
and the director's
commentary. ¥

-Matthew Steigbigel

FILM NOIR CLASSIC COLLECTION:
VOL. 2 Five more smoky film noir delights
from the Warner Bros. vaults: Richard Flei-
Scher's razor-sharp 1952 thriller The Nar-
row Margin offers gravel-voiced heavy
turned hero Charles McGraw in his career-
defining role; Born to Kill (1947) and
Dillinger (1945) feature Lawrence Tier-
ney—the future Reservoir Dogs master-
mind Joe Cabot—in his menacing prime;
Marilyn Monroe in scanties and a superb
Barbara Stanwyck performance help lift
Fritz Lang's Clash by Night (1952, pic-

tured) well above standard period melo-
dramas; and Edward Dmytryk's Crossfire
(1947) positively sizzles thanks to Robert
Ryan's turn as an
anti-Semitic mur-
derer. Extras: All
of the films are
remastered and
feature scholarly
commentaries.
yyyy —6.Е

THE SOPRANOS SEASON 5 (2004) A
rough year for Mafia boss Tony Soprano
(James Gandolfini): His wife sent him pack-
ing and his kids remain ungrateful Mob
brats. He's too distracted to realize that
his right-hand man's girlfriend is in bed
with the feds. By season's end she sleeps
with the fishes.
Extras: Episode
directors Peter
Bogdanovich and
Mike Figgis pro-
vide two of the
commentary
tracks. ууу —G.F.

CONSTANTINE (2005) After the comics
crowd and confused mainstream critics nit-
picked it, audiences steered clear of this
decent supernatural thriller. That's too bad,
because Keanu Reeves, a freelance exor-
cist trying to buy his way out of damnation,
leads an impressive cast to hell and back
in an apocalyptic take on the hard-boiled
detective genre. Peter Stormare stops the
show as a seedy
Vegas-lounge
Satan. Extras:
The double-disc
edition is fully
loaded with fea-
turettes. ууу
Brian Thomas

Sultry English minx Helena Bonham Carter began her career playing proper ladies
in A Room With a View (1985), Where Angels Fear to Tread (1991) and Howards
End (1992). She finally unbuttoned her corsets as her star rose, as in Dancing Queen
(1993), Fight Club
(1999), Novocaine
(2001), The Heart of
Me (2002) and The
Wings of the Dove
(1997, pictured),
where she's on top of
things. Not to sound
sour, but there's little
chance director Tim
Burton will share his
girlfriend's sweet
assets in this month's
Charlie and the
Chocolate Factory.

| his Summer, Memories m

reviews [ dvds

critica

[ TEAM PLAYERS ]

From extreme surfing to goalie action, these sports DVDs score big

Sports DVDs are outpacing every other home video category like Seabiscuit on amphet-
amines. DVD producers figured out that we don't want dugout follies, we want DVDs fea-
turing events we don't see on SportsCenter. Take, for example, the professional surfers
of Billabong Odyssey (pictured), certifiable nutcases who use satellite-based weather-
predicting gadgetry to find
major storms in the open
ocean and then surf the 80-
foot waves. It's a 92-minute
vicarious thrill ride at the
beach. For a change in cli-
mate we go to the frozen tun-
dra of Lambeau Field. The
soil-warming system installed
by Vince Lombardi failed the
frigid day his Green Bay Pack:
ers were to play the hated Dal-
las Cowboys in the 1967 NFL
championship game. You can
revisit the so-called Ice Bowl
thanks to NFL Films’ previ-
ously lost archival footage in
The Complete History of the
Green Bay Packers, including
the legendary 12-play drive
led by Bart Starr. When It
Was a Game: Triple Play Col-
lection shows baseball's loss
of innocence from а fan's perspective, using eight-millimeter and 16-millimeter home
movies of games, players and stadiums. By far the most comprehensive sports DVD
collection has to be History of Soccer: The Beautiful Game, а 900-minute, seven-disc
set that includes the first known footage of the game, turn-of-the-century international
matches and every goal from every World Cup Final match. Buzz McClain

Take a closer look at the art of car chases, air guitar and bar dancing

Action-film legend Steve McQueen would have blushed at the DVD
celebration unfolding in his honor. The Essential Steve McQueen
Collection earns its title with first-timers Tom Horn, Never So Few
and The Cincinnati Kid, plus Papillon, The Getaway and the set's
standout, Bullitt. The second disc includes a new documentary,
but the real bonus is a movie-editing featurette that showcases
Bullitt's landmark San Francisco chase scene. McQueen fans
4 should also seek out the season one boxed set of Wanted: Dead

or Alive (pictured), the actor's lone TV series (1958-1961), which
includes а multipart McQueen documentary.... The three-disc Bill
& Ted's Most Excellent Collection offers both Bill & Ted flicks
and a bonus disc that includes a tutorial from professional air
guitarists. The 10-step program takes you through music and
wardrobe selection to playing style (Pete Townshend or Jimmy
Page?) before moving on to pointers and web links to get you on
your way to pantomime Hendrixhood.... It's tough for a film about
getting in touch with one's inner slut to squeak by with a PG-13,
which is why the Coyote Ugly Unrated Special Edition DVD mer-
its your attention. This cut from director David McNally restores
seven minutes of footage, including an extended sex scene,
some striptease action at the softball game and more wild
dancing in wet T-shirts and bras. —G.F

NIGHTMARE ALLEY (1947) "How

do you become a geek?" asks Tyrone
Power in this rarely seen gem, a bru-
tal melodrama about carnies. See
him rise through the ranks and fall
through the cracks until he finds his.
answer. УУУУ

(2005) An apt title for
director Wes Craven's stab at making
a werewolf-genre Scream with this
troubled production about two lycan-
thropic siblings in Hollywood. Skip —
the neutered PG-13 version and sniff |
out the unrated disc. yy

HIDE AND SEEK (2005) Robert
De Niro is a psychologist and the
father of young Dakota Fanning, who
has gone all creepy after her
mother's suicide. Up to the isolated
country house they go to try to work
things out. yy

(2002) HBO put hidden
cameras in the rooms of Nevada's
Moonlite Bunny Ranch. Most uncom-
fortable segment: A mom sits on a bed
while negotiating a blow job for her
son. Yuck. v

THE JACKET (2005) The atmos-
phere is moody and the plot murky in
this time-traveling psychological
thriller with Adrien Brody as a con-
fused Gulf war vet and Keira Knightley
as his sexy salvation. ¥¥

(2004) Joel Schumacher resurrects
the Broadway hit with this gaudy
Gothic musical that suffers from iffy
casting choices, including Phantom
Gerard Butler. ¥¥#

HITCH (2005) Anonymous “date doc-
tor” Will Smith schools clueless clients
in the art of wooing. When he meets
his match in luscious and aloof
reporter Eva Mendes, you're knee-deep
in a date movie, albeit one with more
charm and laughs than most. ¥¥¥#

(2005) The Texas
hold 'em craze reaches its apogee in
this ESPN drama featuring Michael
Madsen's turn as the Matador, a Las
Vegas card shark. Unless you hang on

his every Tarantino tough-guy manner-
ism, take a gamble elsewhere. y

Worth a look
Forget it

[This Summer, yede matter, 5)

reviews [ music

[ FLAVOR SAVER ]
Cook Book proves Missy Elliott is back on track

Hip-hop artists and enormous egos go together like Louis and Vuit-
ton, and on Missy Elliott's latest album the supa-dupa fly rapper
shows that her self-confidence is mightier than ever. Over the
course of 15 tracks that bounce with energy, the lightning-quick
rhymer calls herself everything from "the beginning and the end"
to "the grease in the frying pan." She claims she's "better than
most," and she's right. After all, even a mediocre Missy collec:
tion—where the party's off the hook and the beats have been
beamed in from outer space—blows most other hip-hop records
away. But Cook Book is better than a mediocre Missy collection,
and it puts her back on track after recent missteps, Here Miss Mis-
demeanor continues to prove her breadth of style can't be dupli-
cated; joints range from goofball party hits ("We Run This") to edgy
heartbreak jams ("Gotta Move On"). Fellow musicians Pharrell
Williams, Mary J. Blige, Ciara, Slick Rick and Tweet (who's also on
Missy's own Goldmind label) add to the fun. Will there be a track—
à la “Work It" from Missy's Under Construction album—blasted in
every dance club on the planet? The angelic hook in "Joy" is already
stuck in our minds like Bubblicious. (Atlantic) УУУ/ —Alison Prato

[ UNFORGETTABLE FIRE ]

Coldplay's X&Y gives off a warm glow

As Coldplay's new album opens with the same ethereal feel as the
band's breakthrough single, "Clocks," it quickly becomes apparent
that there is now an identifiable Coldplay sound. With the basic for-
mula intact from A Rush of Blood to the Head—atmospheric synth
washes, mournful pianos, chiming guitars, ghostlike backing
vocals—the coherence of the Coldplay aesthetic is so complete
as to render comparisons to, say, Echo & the Bunnymen or U2
irrelevant. (Besides, Chris Martin's lyrics are so much better than
Bono's that it hardly seems fair to emphasize similarities in the
music.) Martin's vocals remain distinctive as he intersperses his
falsetto within phrases or even within single words. Still, what most
distinguishes Coldplay is its ability—like the Smiths, another era-
defining band—to create shimmering, transcendent beauty from
such a glum perspective. And fear not, the lead single, "Speed of
Sound," is by no means the strongest song here; "What If," "Talk"
and “Low” are all potential hits. (Capitol) vyy% Tim Mohr

> | COMMON + Be

This Windy City MC's new album is a dis-
tillation of hip-hop's pure essence. Kanye
West produced nine of the 11 tracks, and
the result is a raw, soulful Chicago sound.
Common shows his storytelling abilities—
and his confidence—with virtually no
guest MCs. Be is nothing short of a clas-
sic. (Geffen) ¥¥¥¥ —Dean Gaskin

A BAND OF BEES + Free the Bees

On album number two, the Bees are still
wildly inventive but have also found a
sweet spot. Call this a modern-day ver-
sion of the Zombies' late-1960s master-
piece Odessey & Oracle—a mellow
Brit-soul take on the Beach Boys, built of
vocal harmonies, keyboards and guitars.
Brilliant. (Astralwerks) ¥¥¥'4 -4М.

THE РОМҮ5 » Celebration Castle

Young groups give plenty of lip service
to 19705 artrock bands such as Televi-
sion and the Voidoids, but only the Ponys
have tackled the sound with any real suc-
cess. To do so the Chicago group drops
in a Bo Diddley backbeat and blasts of
overdriven guitar. It's quirky and smart.
(In the Red) ¥¥¥¥ —Jason Buhrmester

DWIGHT YOAKAM + Blame the Vain

For a man from the hills of eastern Ken-
tucky, Yoakam sure knows how to play
Bakersfield. In this, his first self-pro-
duced album, he serves up a dozen well-
crafted songs that would make Buck
Owens proud. Great guitar, great
singing—this is his best work in years.
(New West) ¥¥¥% — —Leopold Froehlich

| e This Summer, aba зра maites s
МЈ =

reviews[ games

alien, you have a mission to har-
vest human DNA for your ET mas-
ters. Objectives such as probing
beauty queens and foiling FBI con-
spiracies can be accomplished by
assuming innocents' identities.
Prefer a more direct approach?
Use your ray guns and disintegra-
tion beam to scare the locals into
calling the National Guard, then
toss livestock at the soldiers with
your telekinetic powers. The grab
bag of activities offered—from fly-
ing saucer shoot-outs to jetpack
hopping—ultimately succeeds
through sheer eccentricity. Not
perfect, but enough to keep your
puny humanoid brain well enter-
tained. УУУ —Scott Steinberg

| LITTLE GRAY MEN

A whole new definition of illegal alien
Defending the planet from alien invaders is overrated. How many marauding hordes
have you saved mankind from at this point? And has mankind ever bothered to send

even a thank-you note? Take out your frustration on the denizens of Earth with Destroy
All Humans! (THQ, PS2, Xbox), a clever 1950s SF-schlock spoof. As Crypto, a gray

CONKER: LIVE AND RELOADED
(Microsoft Game Studios, Xbox) Every-
one's favorite perverted, wantonly
violent squirrel is back and still as cute
as a button. The single-player story line
offers inventive and vulgar situations
that parody The Godfather, The Matrix,
Saving Private Ryan and other films.
Multiplayer shines, allowing as many
as 16 gamers
to battle it out
with gigantic
guns and ar-
mored vehicles.
Pure twisted
fun. ууу

John Gaudiosi

KILLER 7 (Capcom, GameCube, PS2)
From its unique post-anime, cel-shaded
graphics to its willfully odd premise—a
contract killer with seven personali-
ties must save the world—Killer 7 is
unlike any shooter you've ever played.
Each of hitman Harman Smith's identi-
ties (which include a masked pro wres-
tler and a femme fatale) brings unique
capabilities to the
gameplay and
makes replay
a worthwhile
experience. Bi-
zarre, violent and
highly original.
yy —/.6.

—

FORZA MOTORSPORT (Microsoft
Game Studios, Xbox) This riveting racer
is a painstakingly faithful sim that lets
you tune up and test-drive more than
230 autos, from Camaros to Bentleys.
Breeze past up to seven buddies over
Xbox Live, try for a place on the global
leaderboards or join an online car club.
Prefer flying solo? The game can sim-
ulate an entire
career for you,
down to how the
heat on Daytona's
track affects the
tires you've cho-
sen. YY YY

Adam Rosen

STAR WARS: EPISODE 111 REVENGE
OF THE SITH (LucasArts, PS2, Xbox)
Closely following the plot of the movie,
this latest way to ingest the Star Wars
universe allows you to taste both the
light and dark paths as you alter-
nately control Obi-Wan and Anakin.
From the beginning of this thrilling
effort, you play as an advanced Jedi,
and exercising
your powers 15
intuitive, so you
feel truly in con-
trol of the awe-
some power of
the Force. yyy%

—Chris Hudak

[ PSParaphernalia ]

The PSP is the first truly amazing thing
Sony has done since the Walkman. Now
it's time to trick out your tiny electronic
pal. The PSP CHARGER CASE from Nyko
($70, nyko.com) not only protects your
$250 investment by packing it

in aluminum, it
has a battery
pack that tri-

ples your play
time (giving
you five addi-
tional hours)...

Mad Catz takes

care of the PSP's

electricity habit in E
other ways with its

POWER SOLUTION ($20, madcatz
.com), a combo that includes а

DC adapter for your car and a
battery pack that

lets you charge up

using four AAA bat-

teries.... Those who B
prefer using the ,

PSP as a movie ma- a

chine should check ? /
out Logitech's са Y
PLAYGEAR AMP

($80, logitech

.com), a dock that

upgrades the

PSP's built-in

speakers to a

set of four mi-

crodrivers that

delivers enough

power to fill a small

room. Plus it doubles as a stand

and can run off batteries.... Want to
give the impression that carrying your
PSP is a matter of national security?
Intec's deluxe PRO

G 5 KIT ($30,

intecgamer.com) is

your ticket. It comes

with a boatload of

widgets, from a car

charger to a three-

disc case, all in-

side an aluminum `
mini-briefcase.

Bonus points if you hand-

cuff it to your wrist. inally, if you're
one of the 20 men with a gaming girl-
friend, this solid gold BABY PHAT PSP.
COVER is the perfect

way to say "I have

cash bonfires on

the weekend."

Sure, you're using

à $35,000 item

to protect

something

that costs

$250, but since

when has logic had anything to do with.
buying things for women?

WHERE AND HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 131

This Summer, /

at's why we brew Miller Lite
to have more taste than Bud Light

with half the carbs and Miller
Genuine Draft to have rich golden

flavor that goss down smooth.

Good call.

Umberto Есо'$ fifth novel,

The Mysterious Flame of {
Queen Loana (Harcourt), fol-
lows a 60-something rare-
book dealer who awakes
from a coma to find he can
remember every book he's
ever read but can't recall
any details of his life. To
jog his memory he combs
through the relics of his
adolescence.

Q: What inspired you to
write this book?

A: Life is nothing but a
long process of remember-
ing one's childhood, yet |
was embarrassed by the
idea of revealing details
about my own youth. |
decided to write a fictional
autobiography of some:
body else who was not me
but was representative of my generation.

©: Some would call your books highbrow. What do you think
about easy-reading page-turners?

A: | respect them, but | also think that at times readers want
something that engages them in an active mental process.
Every writer's dream 15 to write a book so excitingly compli-
cated that its readers feel obliged to turn the pages. James
Joyce dreamed of a book written for an ideal reader affected
by an ideal insomnia.

Q: Your last book of nonfiction was History of Beauty. Does
PLAYBOY have a place in this history?

A: That book analyzes 3,000 years of different conceptions of
beauty. In this crowd—with the Venus de Milo, Chartres cathe-
dral and Greta Garbo—certainly the Bunnies have a nice spot.

| WRITERS AT LARGE ]

Umberto Eco and Paul Theroux talk about their new novels

In his fine new novel, Blind-
ing Light (Houghton Mifflin),
Paul Theroux writes bril-
liantly about sight, humor
and eroticism. He answers
a few of our questions.

Q: What is revealed to
blind writers that sighted
writers don't see?

A: During the spell of lim-
ited sight | had after dou-
ble cataract surgery, my
other senses were height-
ened. My world was eroti-
cized. | wasn't blind, but I
had severely impaired
vision and | began to feel
things | had never felt
before. This novel is about
sexuality and revelation.
The blind narrator sees,
feels and smells with his
whole body, and he has a
willing partner, a doctor who is also a sensualist.

Q: How different is the book industry now from when you started?
A: In the 19505 writers were mysterious, inaccessible—more
like rock stars. You wouldn't see them at your Barnes & Noble. A
writer was an outlaw or a mystic. Now we're perceived as hacks
who sign your copies and give a pep talk at the bookstore.

Q: How do you feel about rereading books?

A: | don't reread my own work, but | reread books from my past.
A book can make such an impression on you when you are
young, and when you look at it again it makes no impression.
The Catcher in the Rye didn't hold up. Neither did Hemingway,
but Fitzgerald is better than | remembered. Tender Is the Night
is wonderful. | read all the time. To me the ideal thing is to go to
the beach, read, fall asleep, wake up drooling and then read on.

нь 5

STUDIES OF THE FEMALE NUDE
Andre de Dienes
The legendary photographer gave Mari-
lyn Monroe her first modeling gig, docu-
mented the men and women of Muscle
¥ Beach in Santa Monica, California and shot
some of the earliest PLAYBOY pictorials.
This rich and varied study of the female
nude emphasizes
De Dienes's signa-
ture technique of
superimposing his
models' images
over those of moun-
tains, flowers and
skyscrapers. The
result is surreal.
(Twin Palms) vx
—Jessica Riddle

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IF A PICTURE IS worth a thousand words, this one says, “Patagonia is worth the 20-hour flight.” It also says, “Crack that bottle of
Chilean cabernet and cancel my meetings for the rest of the year.” Explora's Hotel Salto Chico is an eco-retreat in Chilean Patago-
nia that serves as a luxe base camp for wild mountain treks. By day you've got 600,000 acres of the Torres del Paine National Park
to play with—10,000-foot peaks, soaring glaciers and pristine lakes as crisp and clear as martinis. You can explore on foot, on horse-
back or by boat in any season (the microclimate is relatively mild 365 days a year). And when the sun sets, the Salto Chico's heated
pool beckons, as does its alfresco Jacuzzi, which offers views that will make you question what planet you're on. For the truly
adventurous, the hotel started running three-, four-, five- and seven-night expeditions this spring to Easter Island, some 2,300 miles
northwestward in the Pacific. Salto Chico rooms go for $1,182 a person for three nights, including all meals. Info at explora.com.

Patagonia: True or False

1. Patagonia means "the land of people
with big feet” in Spanish. The first explor-
ers thought the natives were giants.

2. The adult Andean condor can have a
10-foot wingspread.

3. Ted Turner, Sly Stallone, Jerry Lewis,
George Soros and the Benetton clan all
own property in Patagonia.

4. Patagonia will be mankind's final
stronghold against the robot overlords.

5. Huey Lewis wrote “The Power of Love”
while hiking through Patagonia.

6. By law, a hunter can kill only seven par-
tridges a day in the region, but he can bag
as many minks as he wants.
7. There is a McDonald's in Pat

Answerkey. 100 10) 19 49 10 1@ 10)

ioni.

Baggage Claimed

If you want to learn to craft
ultraluxe Italian suitcases,
belts, wallets and more out
of the finest materials,
enroll at Scuola del Cuoio
("leather school") in Flor-
ence. If you just want the
goods, pull out your plastic
and go to the scuo/a's Eng-
lish site, www.leatherschool
„сот. Pictured: small (about
$8,700), medium ($11,500)
and large ($12,250) croco-
dile-skin suitcases with
brass fixtures.

2 MANTRACK

b i k e s l

Life Cycle

With the incredible new 952,
Norton rides again

YOU'RE LOOKING at a great American success
story. For years Kenny Dreer was the go-to guy for
old British motorcycles. After Norton
went out of business in 1976,
Dreer kept the legend alive
one bike at a time, dragging
aged Nortons into his Ore-
gon shop, Vintage Re-
builds, and turning out
polished beauties. Now he
has acquired the rights to
the name and relaunched
the brand with this, the all-
new Norton 952 Commando
($15,000, nortonmotor
cycles.com). The
first 100 retro
roadsters sold out
immediately, but
more are coming. How
cool are Nortons? Che
Guevara rode one around
South America (as seen in
The Motorcycle Diaries).
What are you waiting for?

aÀ
чы

Best Day of Your Life: About Time:
Michael Chiklis the Dunhill
Car Watch

YOU'RE CRUISING
down the autobahn
outside Berlin, late
for an appointment in
Paris. The speedom-
eter is pinned. She
says, “Will we make
it, honey?” You check
your new Dunhill Car
Watch, whose angled
crystal cover lets you
see the time without
taking your hand off
the wheel. (You've
had the plate number
of your speedster en-
graved beneath the

“ГО WAKE UP in my dream house on
Point Dume in Malibu, and my chef
would present me with nothing too
healthy—eggs Benedict, fruit and an
espresso. Then I'd change into a Puma
tracksuit and play on the beach with
my kids. After a few hours Га jump into
my Shelby Cobra muscle car and go to
the grocery store to get food for the
barbecue—Kobe beef, rib-eye steak,
peppers and asparagus. Lunch guests
would include Willy Shakespeare
because Ра want to chat him up. Maybe
he'd write a movie for me. The sound-
track for the day would be Cuban
music, like Buena Vista Social Club. In watch face.) "Don't
the afternoon I'd get on a Jet Ski and sweat it," you say.

take my kids tubing, passing some dol- © “We've got 10 тт-

phins and whales. We'd have frutti di utes to spare.” Two

mare for dinner, which I'd catch myself styles are available.
from the ocean. Once the kids were in Pictured: black face

bed, my wife and | would take a swim with stainless steel

in our birthday suits and end the day as bracelet ($3,220,
any best day should." dunhill.com).

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Links to the Past

CUFF LINKS ARE ALL about
melding style and structure.
Now you can get some help
with that task from Frank Lloyd
Wright, the man responsible
for some of the 20th century's
most strikingly stylish struc-
tures. The design adorning the
Frank Lloyd Wright Thomas
House cuff links seen here is
taken from a light fixture in the
entryway of one of the archi-
tect's most renowned creations,
the Thomas House in Oak Park,
Illinois. Unlike one of Wright's
originals, these will run you
only $70 at cuffart.com. Just
be sure to Google “prairie style
architecture” and spend a few
minutes forming incisive opin-
ions before you use them as a
conversation starter.

Take Your Cut

THE SIMPLEST TOOLS ARE the best, and
Blue Nile couldn't resist combining two of
them in its cleverly named Money Clip Knife
($50, bluenile.com). Even if you don't need
a sterling blade to protect your wad, it
doesn't hurt to have one around to cut the
foil on that 1966 Bordeaux you just bought.

Great Spirit

THE TWISTED story of
tequila, in a nutshell:
Way back when, the
Aztecs drank a beer-
like brew they made
from agave lilies. They
considered the drink a
gift from the goddess
Mayahuel, who had
400 breasts. When the
Spanish pillaged Mex-
ico in the 1500s, they
brought stills with them
and made liquor out of
the local brew, Tequila
was born—the bastard
son of Aztec mysticism
and European con-
quest. When it comes
to your bar, you need
three bottles—an añejo
(aged for at least a
year; for after-dinner
sipping), a reposado
(aged two to 12 months;
for sipping and cock-
tails) and a blanco
(aged up to 30 days;
also for sipping and
cocktails). Our picks,
from far left: Herradu-
ra Seleccion Suprema
añejo ($300), Milagro
Select Barrel Reserve
reposado ($70) and
Don Julio blanco ($45).

WHERE AND HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 131

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lll e Playboy Advisor

Car commercials on TV always include
a disclaimer that reads, “Professional
driver. Closed course.” How do you
become one of these drivers, what is the
pay, and 15 it necessary to become a pro-
fessional to drive a car for a commer-
Z.C., Albuquerque, New Mexico

harder than it looks. First you'll need a
reen Actors Guild card and а reputation
th directors. The former is easier to get
than the latter. For the past 20 years Georgia
Durante has operated Performance Two,
which specializes in providing drivers for TV
ads. She says wannabes need to be trained in
precision driving at schools such as those run
by Bobby Ore, Rick Seaman and Skip Barber.
Я big part of the job is keeping pace with the
camera car," Durante says. "You see a car
traveling down the road and it’s serene, but the
driver may have been behind a truck holding
a camera boom inches over his hood. I had one
driver who ducked just as the boom ripped
the top off the car.” Durante says her drivers
all make six figures, with one earning more
than $500,000 last year. That's in part
because they receive residuals each time a com-
mercial airs. To qualify, a driver has to perform
a stunt. That can involve executing a con-
trolled skid or jump; having his or her vision
impaired by the camera, fog or smoke; or being
ashed to drive too fast for the conditions. Before
you get any bright ideas about instant riches,
Wally Crowder, editor of the Stunt Players
Directory, points out that there are already
1,200 professional drivers hungry for work.

That March letter about how 33 hertz is
the optimal resonance for clitoral stimu-
lation is pseudoscientific crap. Cause and
effect are never so simple in biology or
psychology. Besides, what sort of woman
subjects herself to a clownish experiment
to test her orgasmic response to a sub-
woofer? You may think it's cute, but what
about the neighbors who can't sleep or
think? I doubt PLAYBOY condones wasting
thousands of dollars to proclaim you
have a big dick by broadcasting bass that
can be heard half a mile away.—D.].,
Phoenix, Arizona

What sort of woman has her sexual re-
sponse tested with a subwoofer? The fun kind.
Bass seems to arouse you in а different sort
of way, and we agree that many bassophiles
need to work on their timing. You'll find
kindred spirits in groups such as Noise Off
(noiseoff.com) and Lower the Boom
(lowertheboom.org). But we felt the 33 hertz
experiment demonstrates how boom cars can
be used as a force for good.

You recently had a question about cell
phone blockers and then another about
the effects of boom cars. That made me
wonder: Do you know of any devices that
can block car stereos at stoplights?—D.B.,
Fresno, California

The only one we know is called a lawyer.
Last year a woman in St. Petersburg, Florida
who claimed to be a victim of "audio terror-
ism" sued a teenage neighbor who played тар
in his car as he drove to school each morning
at 6:30. In a shocking turn of events he apol-
ogized and sold his system. In 2003 police in
Lorain, Ohio began smashing the stereos of
drivers who violated the local noise ordinance
for a second time.

Here's a bit of trivia: Thirty-three hertz
also happens to be near the frequency
you hear from the lowest pedal pipe on
most organs. Consider that the next time
you're singing hymns in church.—M.L.,
Brookline, New Hampshire

This could explain the fervor of many fun-
damentalists. A U.K. study found that many
churches have organs producing not only a 32
hertz bass but also vibrations that measure
below 20 hertz, which is inaudible to humans
but can produce sorrow, coldness, anxiety and
shivers. One researcher suggests these reactions
may “lead people to have weird experiences
that they attribute to God.”

Га like to add a few comments to your
advice in March about hiring an escort. 1
have had two dozen experiences with sex
workers all over North America. Local
customs vary widely as to what operators
will discuss over the phone, which makes
it hard to know whether you're hiring a
stunner who will fuck your brains out or
a troll who intends to rob you without lift-
ing her shirt. Because you are operating
outside the law, you have no recourse. A
rule of thumb when “ordering in” is to
grill the operator (or the woman herself,
if she answers the phone). If she uses
vague phrases like “Tipping is appreci-

ILLUSTRATION BY ISTVAN BANYAI

ated to have a good time,” steer clear. If
she promises “full service” or “satisfaction
guaranteed” at a set price, it's usually a
better deal. You can always add a tip later.
I found Las Vegas to have the most cons
and Toronto the fewest. You should be
able to have a hell of a time for $300
including tip, unless you're treating your-
self to two girls or a fetish. I hope this
information is useful. Good luck! —1.B.,
Pueblo, Colorado

Thanks for all that. We are always at a
loss advising readers on this topic because we
have never paid for sex. Or, more accurately,
we have never paid cash for sex.

A friend gave me a jar of black truffles
from Italy as a gift. These things have
such mythical status that I'm not sure how
to use them to their best effect. Гт an
adventurous cook within striking distance
of a gourmet grocery, so anything is pos-
sible.—C.O., San Carlos, California

You don't need adventure or gourmet gro-
ceries. In fact it's best to keep it simple. "The
traditional truffle dish is eggs,” says chef
Peter Urbani, whose family runs Urbani Truj-
fles (urbani.com). ‘Add a quarter teaspoon of
truffle butter or oil, and shave your black
truffle over them." Urbani says your gift is
either summer truffles (tuber aestivum vitt) or
winter ones (tuber melanosporum зїй). “Look
for "tuber" on the jar," he says. "If you don't see
not a European truffle and you proba-
bly paid too much for it." With any luck you
have winter truffles, which are more flavor-
ful. "It's like the difference between catfish and
sea bass,” Urbani says. He recommends using
a microplane to shave your truffles onto a
risolto or pasta with cream sauce. Unlike white
truffles, the black variety can also be added to
the dish near the end of the cooking process.

М, girlfriend gave up all sexual acti
ties for Lent. I am not Catholic and feel
it’s unfair that I'm being forced to give
up something too. What's your opin-
ion?—R.K., Blacksburg, Virginia

Is your hand Catholic? Look on the bright
side: If your girlfriend is devout, this is a sign
of how much she values fucking you.

What's the best way to know when a
grilled steak is medium rare?—R.R.,
Boston, Massachusetts

The worst way is to cut into the slab, which
releases the juices. You also can't rely on color.
Studies have shoum that even broumed meal,
especially ground beef, can still be under-
cooked. Most grillers press on the steak with
tongs to measure its resistance; beef becomes
less springy as it cooks. To get an idea of how
it should feel, press the fleshy part of your hand
between the index finger and thumb. That's
rare. For medium rare spread your fingers
out and poke the same spot. For medium
make a fist. Or spend five bucks on a meat

DENT SOT

thermometer. The FDA recommends cooking
beef to at least 145 degrees for medium rare,
160 for medium and 170 for well-done. Whole
poultry should be cooked to at least 180
degrees, measured at the thigh. Chicken breasts
should be cooked to 170 degrees, pork and
ground beef to 160.

М, soldier has lost all interest in sex
since returning from Iraq. Is this com-
mon? Is there anything I can do to help
him?—D.S., Tampa, Florida

It could be a sign of depression or combat
stress. Many soldiers are irritable, anxious and
withdrawn the first few weeks after they return,
but 10 to 15 percent have lasting problems.
The website of the National Center for Post
Traumatic Stress Disorder (ncptsd.org) has
more information. Psychologist Candice Mon-
son has examined how veterans battling PTSD
respond to treatment and believes many would
benefit from inviting their wife to at least a few
sessions. "Soldiers with PTSD may avoid any
type of arousal, including sexual, because it
feels too similar to the heightened tension of the
battlefield, where they felt they had no control,"
she explains. Other factors may play a role.
Some antidepressants affect libido, for exam-
ple. And Monson points out the relatively
remote but real possibility that a traumatized
male soldier has been sexually assaulted.
According to a Pentagon study, one percent of
male soldiers report being the victim of an
assault or attempted assault while serving.

lr my wife goes on a business trip and
promises to call every night before bed,
and two nights go by without a call and
with the excuse "I spaced out,” should I
trust her?—B.S., Dallas, Texas

You already don't trust her.

Because I work offshore, I have to buy
my pipe tobacco by the pound. Can you
tell me the best way to keep it fresh? Can
you also recommend pipes and tobaccos
that aren't too expensive?—M.S., Dick-
inson, Texas

Ideally your tobacco should be stored in an
airtight humidor at a constant temperature of
70 degrees and a humidity level of 70 per-
cent. But Richard Carleton Hacker, author of
Pipesmoking: A 21st Century Guide, says
he’s seen those conditions only in tobacco shop
walk-ins and warehouses. Many pipe smokers
gel by with plastic bags they twist and tie
after use. You won't likely have a problem with
humidity at sea, but play it safe and buy
moisturizer packs or porous clay buttons to
keep in your stash. In a pinch you can also
affix to the lid a piece of organic sponge soaked
in distilled water. Aromatics tend to keep better
than English blends. You may hear from an
old-timer that you should add a slice of apple
or pear, but that will only lead to mold. You
may also hear you should sprinkle on a few
drops of rum or brandy—that can add flavor,
but it won't keep tobacco any fresher. For
inexpensive options try your tobacconist's
house blends. They have the advantage of
being available for smelling and sampling. You
can also buy tobacco in tins, which are more

expensive but easier to store. Try McClelland
or Dunhill. For starter pipes Hacker suggests
European brands such as Peterson (Ireland),
Chacom (France) and Stanwell (Denmark).
They're a better value than most English pipes.

A woman wrote in March to say she
doesn't like sex. You suggested she may
be asexual. She sounds to me like a nor-
mal “emotional sexual female,” while her
boyfriend is a “physical sexual male.”
These terms are explained in Relationship
Strategies: The E&P Attraction, by the late
John Kappas, founder of the Hypnosis
Motivation Institute. According to Kap-
pas, there are two sexual personalities:
emotional and physical. Everyone has a
mix, but generally you are ruled by one.
“In the sex act, the Physical feels ego sen-
sations quickly and frequently,” Kappas
writes. “Every touch builds the tension
leading to orgasm. The Emotional's
points of stimulation are narrowed more
to the genitals, and sexual response
begins in the mind. Thus, the Physical
enjoys a rough-and-tumble kind of sex
and strives to prolong the act. The Emo-
tional feels the need for sex less often,
responds to a gentler touch and seeks
only orgasm, not prolonging the enjoy-
ment. "—M.E, Newbury Park, California
If only it were that simple.

Say a person takes a vacation to Am-
sterdam. While there he takes advantage
of the freedom of the land and gets high.
Upon his return home could he lose his
job because he has pot in his system,
even though the pot was legal?—D.N.,
Denver, Colorado

The legal status of the drug at the time it
was ingested is of about as much concern to an
employer as it was to your brain.

In March a reader challenged you to
turn on your bullshit detector because
you had shared threesome stories that all
began spontaneously. In my experience
as a 30-year-old woman, planned en-
counters never live up to expectations.
More often a threesome is only as far away
as your willingness to have one.—S.L.,
Fort Myers, Florida
And finding two people who agree.

A 61-year-old man wrote in March to
say he averages 183 orgasms a year. I'm
55, and I don't find that unusual. I
started a weblog four months ago to
track my sexual experiences, so it was
easy for me to go through the daily posts
and count my recent orgasms. Гуе had
at least 66 climaxes in that time. That's the
equivalent of about 200 а year.—R.T.,
Тизип, California
You started a blog about your sex life?

А reader wrote in March because she
wasn't sure if she should be giving her
boyfriend so many blow jobs. You told
her to move on. Have you lost your
mind? You’re obviously too distracted

watching УН! or whatever you do to
comment honestly about what we guys
truly care about, which is easily accessible
blow jobs. —M.B., Dallas, Texas

In this instance we wanted what was best for
the reader, not for her boyfriend. It’s karmic.
What blows around comes around. Besides, if
your girlfriend is wondering whether she's giv-
ing you too much oral sex, that’s your problem,
not hers. It suggests her efforts are not being
acknowledged and appreciated.

1 need to buy my first suit for work and
have a few questions. I know I need
black, but should I get one with two but-
tons or three? What color should my sec-
ond suit be? And how many do 1
need?—J.W., Harrisonburg, Virginia
Black is okay, but it may be better to start
with gray or navy. Get one with two buttons, a
look that is both classic and fresh—for a long
time we've seen three buttons, which is preferred
if you are wide in the hip. Joseph De Acetis, our
Fashion Director, suggests buying six suits:
three for spring and summer, and three for
fall and winter. Go with medium-weight fab-
rics, which are more temperate. You don't
have to buy only solids; throw in a pinstripe,
chalk stripe or perhaps a plaid, which will be
big this fall. John Bartlett, Perry Ellis and Ted
Baker all make affordable, resilient suits.

My husband and I enjoyed the cun-
nilingus tips in February but found it
interesting that no one has yet shared the
best position for oral sex. The woman lies
on her back with knees bent. The man
lies on his side at a right angle to her, fac-
ing her pussy. His lips and tongue align
with her labia, allowing complete cover-
age and range of motion. It's not a prob-
lem if he hasn't shaved, since his beard
never comes in contact with her delicate
tissues. The man doesn't have to worry
about a stiff neck or sore knees, and the
woman won't be distracted by her con-
cern that her partner is uncomfort-
able.—L.M., Hollywood, California

Thanks for sharing. As luck would have
it, that's the same position we get in to
watch TV.

kit customary for a gentleman to send
flowers after the first time he has sex with
a lady, or is chivalry dead?—N.P, Rush-
more, Minnesota

If you were chivalrous you'd marry her.
Once you've been intimate you can't go wrong
sending flowers.

All reasonable questions—from fashion, food
and drink, stereo and sports cars to dating
dilemmas, taste and etiquette—will be per-
sonally answered if the writer includes a self-
addressed, stamped envelope. The most
interesting, pertinent questions will be pre-
sented on these pages each month. Write the
Playboy Advisor, 730 Fifth Avenue, New
York, New York 10019, or send e-mail by
visiting our website at playboyadvisor.com.

THE PLAYBOY FORUM
THE END OF OIL

IN BOTH GEOLOGIC AND ECONOMIC MODELS,
THE DAY OF RECKONING IS NEAR

BY CHARLES C. MANN

sthe world running
out of oil? It would
seem the most con-
temporary question
imaginable, but long
ago two leading re-
searchers answered it
definitively. The prob-
lem is, they came to
opposite conclusions
M. King Hubbert, a
Shell Oil geophysicist
who died in 1989, is
the patron saint of pe-
troleum Cassandras.
According to his the-
oretical model, the
world will run out of
oil soon. Very soon, in
fact. "Thanksgiving
2005, plus or minus
about three weeks,"
according to one of
his colleagues, Ken-
neth Deffeyes. The
consequences, Def-
feyes warned, could
be dire: "War, pestilence, famine and death.

A hundred years earlier pioneering economist William
Stanley Jevons came up with a completely different model
for natural resources such as petroleum. "When will
the world's supply of oil be exhausted?" asks Morris
Adelman, an MIT economist emeritus and a prominent
Jevonsian. “The basic answer is never." Fretting about the
supply, he says, is a distraction from our real problems

Hubbertites and Jevonsians have been at a standstill
for decades, and at this point it's safe to say that Hubbert
is at least winning the battle of the bookstore; shelves
groan beneath the likes of The End of Oil, Out of Gas, The
Party's Over and Deffeyes’s Hubbert's Peak: The Impending
World Oil Shortage. Most of these texts begin by explain-
ing Hubbert's central theory, which is that a country's
oil production follows а bell curve. Once the nation hits
its peak, in other words, it has nowhere to go but down
The postpeak journey can be of varying speeds, but it
always moves toward zero

Using generous assumptions about reserves, Hubbert
predicted in 1956 that the peak of production in the
continental U.S. would occur in 1972. No one in the in-
dustry liked the idea, but he was right: U.S. ой produc-
tion peaked in 1970, two years before his predicted
date, and has declined ever since.

Almost two decades after Hubbert, Colin Campbell, a pe-
troleum geologist, repeated Hubbert's calculation but for

the whole planet. Ad-
ding together every
oil-producing nation's
projected peak, he
concluded that glo-
bal oil production
would peak in 1995
Shocked by his find-
ings, Campbell retired
to rural Ballydehob,
Ireland, from where
he regularly issues
updated versions of
his warning. Most re-
cently he argued the
peak will hit in 2005,
after which declining
production will cause,
for starters, a global
stock market crash.
Jevonsians roll their
eyes when they hear
these kinds of predic
tions. Consider coal,
which when Jevons
wrote, in 18€
even more important
to the British economy than oil is to that of the U.S. today
Jevons argued miners would extract the easiest-to-dig coal
from the ground first and then gradually proceed to the
more difficult veins. Eventually, MIT's Adelman says,
Jevons predicted that coal "would get harder and more
costly to develop, and at some point mines would have to
sell it at a price few would be willing to pay. They would
never run out—people would stop buying it."

Natural resources, Jevons in effect argued, are not
static objects in the ground but rather the means of sat-
isfying a particular economic need at a particular price
He was wrong in concluding from this observation that
the rising cost of coal would put a permanent crimp in
the British economy, because oil and electricity came to
the rescue. But his disciples believe he was right in the
way he viewed natural resources.

ОЙ is an example. In 1942 the U.S. Geological Sur-
vey estimated that the Kern River field in California
had 54 million barrels of reserves. In 1986 the USGS
examined the field again and estimated that it had re-
serves of 970 million barrels. In the intervening years
the field produced 736 million barrels. The USGS was
not incompetent; technology had changed: Engineers
had discovered how to extract oil from rock that was
previously too costly to mine and process.

As suggested by the current rash of books, relations
between Hubbertites and Jevonsians are tense. But the

sides agree on two things. First, the
fundamental nature of the oil debate
hasn't changed since Hubbert first
presented his findings. Second, and
more important, even if there is plenty
of oil in the ground, pumping it out
won't always be cost-effective, possible
or desirable. Much of the world's oil,
they point out, comes from unstable,
dictator-ruled countries. "Most of the
places with oil are places where you
cannot write an enforceable contract,"
Deffeyes says. "The governments na-
tionalize the oil fields and do whatever

WHO WINS WHEN ENERGY COSTS RISE

they want. It's crazy to have our energy
supply depend on them."

It's even crazier not to take steps to
lessen our need for petroleum. Most of
the oil used in this country is consumed
in the form of gasoline for automobiles
Technology to make cars more fuel-
efficient has long existed, whether in
the form of the common-rail diesel
engines now popular in Europe or
the hybrid gas-electric cars introduced
by Japan. Even ordinary internal com-
bustion engines could get better
mileage. But Americans have been re-

luctant to demand higher gas-mileage
standards, something both Hubbertites
and Jevonsians say should change
Whenever people have used some of
a resource, they have always found more
of it, gotten better at extracting it or dis-
covered a substitute for it," says Michael
Lynch, president of petroleum analysts
Strategic Energy and Economic Re-
search. "So I always say that the whole of
human history suggests that we're not
going to run out of oil. But that's com-
pletely different from arguing that it's a
good idea to plan on using it forever."

Dwindling supplies will define our future,
says Sonia Shah, author of Crude: The Story of Oil

ew of us want to admit it, but our

ability to find and extract oil is

diminishing. Sonia Shah, who has
written a definitive new book on oil, says
supply, more than geopolitics, is behind
the alarming trends in oil prices

We demonize Gulf oil
sheiks, but they're not the only ones
who profit from the high price of oil
Who else is making money?

The people who own
the vast majority of the world's
oil make relatively small sums
from selling it. Saudi Arabia, for
ample, earned about $60 bil-
lion from selling oil in 2001. The
same year, ExxonMobil brought
in three times that amount. The
top five Western oil companies
ExxonMobil and Chevron Tex-
aco in the U.S., BP and Shell in
the U.K. and Total in France—
collectively enjoy more than two.
thirds of global oil-sales income
while controlling only five percent of
the world's oil reserves. In Saudi Ara-
bia, by contrast, the average annual
income dropped from nearly $30,000
in the 19805 to less than $7,000 in the
early 20008, though the country sits
on the biggest oil fields in the world

The Bush administration
is friendly to the petroleum industry.
Is there a conflict between the inter-
ests of industry and those of the
American people?

Yes and no. Oil producers do
enjoy windfalls during periods of
high prices, and some in government
positions may want to please them
But the industry isn't really inter-
ested in keeping prices high for long

stretches of time. The fear is that
when gasoline reaches, say, gal-
lon, consumers might actually start
taking the bus. If oil stays expensive
over the long run, heating and trans-
portation alternatives would look
more alluring

Most people assume
that today's high oil prices are the
result of the invasion of Iraq. But

is there something else going on?
Yes. The basic trouble is that
the volume of oil we can get out of
the fields we know about is declining
by about three to five percent every
year. That might be acceptable if we
could find sufficient quantities of new
oil, but we haven't been able to do
that. Since the 19605 the size of new
discoveries has been declining. Since
the 1980s the rate at which we dis-
cover those smaller pools has been
declining. Meanwhile we burn ever
greater quantities, with demand ris-

ing by about two percent a year
Why does the industry

never utter the word depletion?
We'll never really run out of

oil, so in a way depletion isn't relevant
will have given up on oil long be-
fore someone drags that last barrel
out of the ground, just as we'd aban-
don a well once we reach the muddy
bottom. There's still plenty of re-
source left; it just isn't worth the trou-
ble. The relevant question is how long
it's worthwhile to keep drilling. As
with any natural resource, we've used
the best oil first, the kind that sits
near the surface, that comes out
of the ground under its own
pressure. Now we drill for oil
under tens of thousands of feet
of water off the coast of west
Africa, in the frigid Arctic and
among hostile impoverished vil-
lagers around the world. Is that
worthwhile? Clearly for the com-
panies and governments in-
volved the answer is yes. The
fallout is also hidden by charac-
terizing some of the costs as
unrelated, such as the war on
terrorism and the invasion of Iraq.
We're squelching these malignant
spawns of petro-states—Bin Laden
and Hussein—in order to help us con-
trol an increasingly tight and aggres-
sively competitive market. If these
external costs were added into the
price ofa gallon of gasoline, we'd prob-
ably all be walking to work by now.
High energy costs don't
hurt everyone. ExxonMobil last year
reported the largest one-year profit
in history. How long can that last?
It’s not clear. One analyst
reckons the industry needs to invest
$1 trillion over the next decade to
keep pipelines full and convince us to
keep slurping at the trough

FORUM

HACKING COUGHS

IT'S EASIER TO BUILD A DEADLY MICROBE THAN А ВОМВ

By Mark Frauenfelder

hree and a half billion years ago the

first self-replicating microbe w:

duced in a puddle of enzyme-
water, Since that moment nature has had
the exclusive manufacturing rights to every-
thing that has ever lived, from single-celled
malaria bacilli to Donald Trump. But the
monopoly was broken in July 2002 when
researchers at the State University of New
York at Stony Brook assembled a polio virus
from scratch. It marked the first time sci-
entists had made a living thing without
using existing D^

The feat took three years. In November
2003 genomics researcher J. Craig Venter
needed only two weeks to
build a fully functioning,
ready-to-replicate bacte-
riophage (a type of virus
that attacks bacteria) from
off-the-shelf parts. Called
phiX174, the microbe is
indistinguishable from its
natural counterpart.

If genetic engineering
is like swapping pieces be-
tween complex Lego mod-
els, synthetic biology is
like building an entirely
new model from a box of
parts. And that's where the
promise—and the peril—of
synthetic biology lies. Being
able to fabricate unknown
life-forms in the same way
engineers wire electrical
components could lead to creatures that pro-
duce energy, exude powerful vaccines, pump
out tumor-zapping drugs, neutralize toxic
waste and excrete fertilizer.

But it could also unleash a microsize
menagerie of nearly unstoppable murder-
ous pathogens "worse than any disease
known to man,” according to a declassified
CIA report called The Darker Bioweapons
Future. The genetic blueprints for more than
100 deadly diseases—including smallpox,
Ebola, hemorrhagic fever, anthrax, plague
and tularemia—can be downloaded freel
from the Internet. Even worse, many of
the gene sequences that could give these
pathogens resistance to antibiotics are also
publicly available.

Some experts fear that terrorists (or even
well-intentioned but sloppy researchers)
could release an antibiotics-resistant path-
ogen and spawn a kind of rapidly spread-

ing pandemic not seen since the black
death. The CIA document, which reports
on a panel discussion of life scientists con-
vened in 2003 by the National Academy
of Sciences, notes as an example how Aus-
tralian researchers inadvertently dis-
covered that the mousepox virus can be
ade more deadly by inserting a standard
immunoregulator gene.

The report also recounts potential bio-
weapon disasters, such as a mild pathogen
that becomes virulent when combined with
its antidote or a stealth virus that lies dor-
mant before being activated, perhaps by
the release of another microbe.

ES H ard genetics pro-
fessor George Church has
said that misused synthet-
ic biology has the same
potential for disaster as a
nuclear weapon—and it's
much easier to manufac-
шге a deadly synthetic mi-
crobe than it is to build a
| bomb. Recently MIT biolo-
gist Drew Endy pointed
out at a conference on
emerging technologies that
anyone can obtain online
the gene sequence of a
pathogen such as Ebola or
anthrax and order various
parts of it from firms that
make DNA strings to order.
Once a biohacker assem-
— bles all the pieces, he can
stitch the parts together with tools found
in a modestly equipped biology lab. (The
researchers who synthesized the polio and
phiX174 viruses ordered their synthetic
DNA online.)

Most U.S. firms that make synthetic DNA
check orders against a database of known
pathogens to discourage anyone from mak-
ing dangerous microbes. But many offshore
synthesizing firms fill any order, no ques-
tions asked. Although he has made synthet-
ics the focus of his career, Endy told the
audience, “Questions on whether this work
should go forward are valid.”

It may be too late to prevent a disaster.
Three years ago President Bush signed a
bill outlawing the possession of pathogens
except for research. But regulations are use-
less now that life-forms can be created so
easily. The only hope is that the good bio-
hackers stay a step ahead of the bad ones.

FROM WEBSITE
Peace-out.com, which
assists U.S. soldiers who
wish to apply for conscien-
tious objector status: “Do you feel that
war is wrong? Do you feel uncomfort-
able carrying a weapon or training for
combat? Do these beliefs come from
religious conviction or a more personal,
philosophical position? The military
does not allow for a nuanced position. If
your application is based
on the wrongness of a
particular war, it will
be rejected. You
must be committed to
Peace in almost every
situation, Assuming
that you volun-
tered, you must
have come to the
conclusion that war
is wrong after your
enlistment. This is
far from uncommon,
as many soldiers sim-
ply do not realize how they feel about war
until they are deployed. Some soldiers in
your unit may not be supportive, but you
will be following a process recognized by
the Uniform Code of Military Justice. If
they don't agree with the process, they
should take it up with the Pentagon.

FROM A REPORT by ActionAid
and Oxfam: "There are 35,000 aid
transactions а year, 85 percent of them
worth less than $1 million. Donors

tie about 40 percent of aid, and 20
percent of aid to Africa, to purchases
of goods and services from the donor
country. Italy and the U.S, are among
the biggest culprits, spending upwards
of 70 percent of their aid on their own
companies. This is the ultimate form of
round-tripping—taking with one hand
what's given with the other while adver-
tising your ‘generosity.’ More impor-
tant, tying is hugely wasteful, inflating
procurement costs by up to $7 billion a
year. There is also a consistent gap

between
what donors
promise and

what they

deliver. For Las
Africa, dis- 119
bursements 24

fall short of Soi
projections

by 14 percent for program aid and 26
percent for project aid. Finally, aid is
allocated in a scattergun approach,
with some countries getting the lion's
share (the donor *darlings') and others
the scraps (the donor ‘orphans’). So
whereas Nicaragua receives $178 per
person, Niger, with a similar income
level, receives $22 per person.”
FROM A DEPOSITION taken

in a Texas lawsuit against a paint com-
pany represented by attorney Chris-
topher Ege. Eric Birge represented

the plaintiffs.

EGE: Do you know the brand name of
any of the shingles you worked with?
witness: No, sir.

EGE: Thank you. That's all | have.
(continued on page 51)

READER RESPONSE

|
|
|

WHERE THE JOBS GO

lity of offshore outsourcing is
ageous than the dire account
‘America’s Other War,”

The
far less out
Lou Dobbs offers (
April). Cheaper labor is only one factor
that determines where companies do
business. If businesses were fixated only
on that, third world nations would be
flooded with investment. Instead the U.S.
invests more in Ireland than it does in
China, the Philippines and India com-

Will outsourcing kill the American dream?

bined. Yet in America the face of out-
sourcing is brown. Even so, outsourcing
has little to do with foreigners. According
to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, out-
sourcing rarely causes job loss. When that
does happen, nearly 70 percent of the lost
jobs stay in America. In other words,
Americans are losing jobs to other Amer-
icans. Technology also snatches up jobs
Of course, technology brings more prom-
ise than pain, and the same is true of off-
shoring. Delta Airlines outsourced 1,000
call-center jobs to India, saved $25 mil-
lion and hired 1,200 Americans for
higher-paying jobs without laying off any-
one. A Bay Area company avoided bank-
ruptcy by offshoring some work, then
hired more Americans. Hiring the Chi-
пезе to build electronics components gave
a Minnesota-based company access to
huge new market. Thanks to offshoring,
the company boosted its U.S. workforce
by 400 employees. There are many other
success stories, and as our nation enjoys
low unemployment, you'd think we'd
hear about them. The problem isn't out-
sourcing but how the media covers it.
Ted Balaker
Los Angeles, California
Balaker is the lead author of a Reason
Foundation study on offshore outsourcing.

I once wc

ked for a company that

began moving its manufacturing to
Chin

and Mexico. It also moved its

headquarters to Bermuda to avoid U.S.
taxes. Whenever someone got laid off or
quit, I got their work. I would have had
to work 80 hours a week. I sent my boss
an e-mail with the subject line “Brave
New World" and the message "I quit."
The middle class needs to defend itself.

Michael Ahlgren

Colorado Springs, Colorado

Many opponents of outsourcing cite
technology workers as exhibit A. But as
а consultant I find that my career has
been enhanced by outsourcing. No
longer am I doing the "dirty work" of
the digital assembly line. Instead I'm
involved in the creative end of product
development. Overseas outsourcing low-
ers costs and increases opportunities.

Michael Bacarella
Flushing, New York

POWER STRUGGLES

Given the pressures and animosities
inherent in the legislative process, it is
a wonder there hasn't been more con-
gressional brawling ("Floor Fights,
April). The most celebrated encounter
of the modern era took place on July
9, 1964 when Senator Strom Thur-
mond of South Carolina, seeking to
keep a committee from obtaining the
necessary majority to vote on a nomi-
nation he opposed, tried to bar Ralph
Yarborough from entering the commit-
tee room. He told the Texan, "If I can
keep you out, you won't go in, and if
you can drag me in, I'll stay there."
Both men were 61 years old, but Thur
mond, in far better shape, eventually
pinned Yarborough to the marble floor.

Thurmond took down Yarborough

inset).

Perhaps as a sign that such physical
encounters were more suitable to a dis-
tant past, other senators broke up the

match with impatient warnings that
each man was risking a heart attack.
Richard Baker
U.S. Senate Historian
ashington, D.C.

U.S. Customs isn't the only agency that thwarts
creative smugglers ("Smugglers' Blues,” April)
The Australian Customs Service seized these
suspiciously thick plates filled with cocaine
and this belt-buckle pistol, which fires blanks.

THOU SHALT NOT PONTIFICATE
In an April letter, Randy Dinius
writes, “Religion is necessary to provide
common goals and beliefs so that groups
can conduct commerce and defense,
bring about civil order and produc
large engineering projects.” What a joke!
Dinius is right when he says, “The prob-
lems of humanity stem from our being
prone to mental and emotional prob-
lems,” which include relying on religion
instead of reason
Brandon Vincent
Charlotte, North Carolina

Dinius and Neal AlChalabi are shame-
less apologists who seem oblivious to the
fact that religion all too often brings out
the worst in people. AlChalabi in partic-
ular leans on colonialism as an excuse to
whitewash the defects of Islam, an ex-
сизе that won't wash here in the West.
Stephen Van Eck
Lawton, Pennsylvania

E-mail: forum@playboy.com. Or write: 730
Fifth Avenue, New York, New York 10019.

FORUM

NEWSFRONT

The Gift of Life

cHicaco—Two doctors had а four-month
affair, during which the woman became
pregnant. When Dr. Sharon Irons sued
Dr. Richard Phillips for child support, he
countersued for fraud and theft, alleging
she had stolen his semen after giving
him a blow job and then inseminated
herself. Irons denies that is what hap-
pened. A state appeals court ruled that
even if the allegations are true, she
could not be said to have stolen the se-
men, because "there was no agreement
that the deposit would be returned."
There have been a handful of similar
cases. п 1998 a New Mexico man sued
his ex for theft and breach of contract
because, he says, she lied about being
on the pill. A judge threw out the case.
No matter how a child is conceived, the
courts have consistently ruled that the
biological father must pay support

“Why Am | Not Dead?"

ESTACADA, OREGON— After more than 200 legally
assisted suicides in the state, the first compli-
cation arose when a man awoke 65 hours after
ingesting what he thought was a fatal dose of
pills, David Prueitt, who had lung cancer, asked
his wife, “What the hell happened? Why am I
not dead?” He lived 13 more days. Other pa-
tients have taken as long as 48 hours to die,
but no one else has regained consciousness.

Bait and Switch

LANSING, MICHIGAN—Last year groups such as
Citizens for the Protection of Marriage pushed
for a state ballot measure to ban gay unions, in-
sisting the legislation would not affect benefits
given to partners of homosexual public employ-
ees. “Nothing on the books is going to change,”
said a CPM spokeswoman, who added that
such “speculation” only “confused the issue.”
Turns out the speculators were on the money:
In March the state attorney general ruled that,
under the new law, university and other public
employers could no longer provide domestic
partner benefits. At the same time, a Christian
law group is suing the Ann Arbor public school
system, saying the benefits it provides partners
of about a dozen gay employees are illegal.

Sensitive Souls

In Thornton, Colorado a new mother sued a
hospital because a nurse brought her the wrong
baby to breast-feed. The mistake was discov-
ered within 10 minutes and the infant had not
latched on, but the woman says she now has a
stress disorder and can't work. In Dunn, Geor-

gia a woman who won four cans of paint in a
hardware-store drawing sued because she was
given ceiling paint and wanted exterior. In
Pennsylvania a man who was told he could not
keep his eyes closed for his driver's license
photo took the state to court for violating his
right to free expression and happiness.

Taxing on the Ears
RAJAHMUNDRY, INDIA—City officials hoping to col-
lect back taxes came up with a novel approach:

They hired bands of
A drummers to play

үм

є —

D outside delinquents’
homes. After a week
the city had cleared
18 percent of its
backlog. The city has
also started announc-
ing names over loud-
speakers at temples.
Regional officials are
under pressure to im-

= - prove collection rates
to be eligible for World Bank grants

Junk Dealers

ER, BRITISH COLUMBIA—In an attempt to
reduce crime and determine if junkies can be
productive during the time they would other-
wise be searching for a fix, city officials have
begun offering free heroin to addicts three times
a day, seven days a week at a heavily secured
site. The North American Opiate Medication Ini-
tiative will eventually serve a total of 470 ad-
dicts in Vancouver, Toronto and Montreal

MARGINALIA

(continued from page 49)

BIRGE: Mr. Ege, if you ever imply that
1 manufactured testimony again, ТИ
fucking kick your ass. I'll do it right here
in front of all these attorneys, okay?
Because we're off the record. Did you
hear what 1 said?

No, we're off the record. If you.
ever imply
EGE: We were on the record.
don't care,
hat was on the record.
BiRGE: No, it's not on the record. | said
we're off the record, end of deposition.
Gt: You never said “off the record.”
COURT REPORTER: [To Birge) You have to
agree, per the rules. | mean, that's just
my—l'm sorry.
EGE: You never said "off the record.”
sinc: That's fine. Whatever.

FROM COMMENTS by House
Majority Leader Tom DeLay (R.-Texas) to
the Family Research Council; “One thing
that God has brought us is Terri Schiavo,
to elevate the visibility of what's going
on in America. That
America would be
so barbaric as to
pull the feeding
tube of a person
who is lucid and
starve her to

death! This is
exactly the issue
that's going on in
America—attacks
against the con-
servative move-
ment, against

me and many
others. The other side has figured out
how to defeat the movement, and that
is to go after people personally with
frivolous charges and link that up to all
these do-gooder organizations funded by
George Soros and then get the national
media on their side. That whole syndi-
cate is for one purpose only, and that is
to destroy the conservative movement.
It is a huge, nationwide, concerted effort
to destroy everything we believe in."

FROM GUIDELINES developed by
the U.S. Access Board to help owners
of miniature-golf courses comply with
the Americans With Disabilities Act: "At
least 50 percent of the holes must be
accessible, These holes must be con-
secutive, The route in which the golfer
must travel may not require travel
back through any holes. The accessi-
ble route must comply with provisions
for the location, width, passing space,
headroom, surface, slope, changes
in level, doors, egress and areas of res-
cue assistance. A one-inch-high maxi-
mum curb is allowed with an opening
of at least 32
inches to permit
the passage

of wheelchairs.
Designers should
consider locating
this opening

in an area where
the ball is not
likely to roll."

кәс

ЕОКОМ

SECRETS OF OUR FOUNDING FATHERS

THEY FOUNDED THIS GREAT NATION. BUT NO ONE IS PERFECT

f great men have great flaws, the

founding fathers were truly gi-

ants. Historians know them as a
quarrelsome bunch. John Adams
was the snarliest of all. He despised
Ben Franklin, for instance, whom
he considered a phony, and had a
falling-out with Thomas Jefferson
that culminated in the vicious pre:
dential campaign of 1800. When he
lost, the incumbent Adams refused
to attend Jefferson's inaugura-
tion. Adams was also bitterly
jealous of the nation's first pres-
ident. "That Washington was not
a scholar is certain," he wrote.
"That he was too illiterate, un-
learned, unread for his station is
equally past dispute."

George Washington had his
enemies, but none was the equal
of his own mother. She com-
plained loudly of his neglect,
forcing poor George to publicly
defend himself. "Before I left
Virginia I answered all her calls
for money and since that period
have directed my steward to do
the same," he wrote to the speaker
of the Virginia house in 1791
after his mother appealed to the
legislators for cash. "Whence her
distr an arise, therefore, I
know not, never having received
any complaint."

It's enough to drive a man to
weed. In The Book of Grass: An
Anthology of Indian Hemp, Geor
Andrews points to an August 176:
journal entry by Washington (“Began
to separate the Male from the Female
Hemp at Do—rather too late") as evi-
dence that he partook. Male and fe-
male plants are commonly separated
to yield better fiber, but Andrews
argues that the phrase "rather too
late" suggests Washington wanted to
do this before the females were fertil-
ized—a practice related to achieving
potency, not fiber strength.

Ben Franklin was the most liber-
tine of the founders; in his autobi-
ography he admits to "intrigues with
low women." Franklin once wrote
that older women make the perfect
mistresses and listed a number of
reasons, including: (1) “Because there
15 no hazard of children"; (2) “Ве-
cause through more expe

By Michael Farquhar

they are more prudent and discreet
in conducting an intrigue to pre-
vent suspicion"; (3) " Because the sin
is less. The debauching of a virgin
may be her ruin and make her for
life unhappy"; (4) "Lastly because
they are so grateful!"

Gouverneur Morris, who drafted
the Constitution, was also a rake,
even with the disadvantage of a peg
leg. Unlike Franklin, he preferred

not to pay for sex. “I like only the
yielding kiss,” he wrote, “and that
from lips I love.” Morris was such a
prolific seducer (at one point shar-
ing a mistress with French statesman
Charles-Maurice de Talleyrand) that
the other founding fathers joked
about it. When Morris lost his leg in
an accident, for example, John Jay
wrote that he wished his friend “had
lost something else.” For his part
Morris bragged in Latin that he was
"suaviter in modo, fortiter in re"—gen-
tle in manner, resolute in deed
Morris pursued only women of
grace. Not so Alexander Hamilton
His choice of Maria Reynolds as mis-
tress was most unfortunate. When
the affair ended, her husband black
mailed Hamilton, and still the othe
wise brilliant man went back for
more. When accused of financial

improprieties with the husband,
Hamilton made a humiliating public
confession in a pamphlet, avowing
that the only improper dealings he
had were with Maria, in bed. Adams
would later say of Hamilton that
he possessed "a superabundance of
secretions which he could not find
whores enough to draw off."
That Thomas Jefferson owned
slaves is hardly remarkable; many of
the founders did. It's just ironic
that the same guy who wrote so
assuredly about the equality of all
men could also express such igno-
rance. "They [blacks] secrete less
by the kidneys and more by the
glands of the skin, which giv
them a very strong and disagree-
able odor," Jefferson asserts in his
Notes on the State of Virginia. "This
greater degree of transpiration
renders them more tolerant of
heat. They seem to require le:
sleep. They are more ardent aft
their female, but love seems with
them to be more an eager desire
than a tender, delicate mixture of
sentiment and sensation."
Benjamin Rush, a physician
and signer of the Declaration,
was slightly more evolved on the
topic. He argued against slavery,
though his views may have been
informed by his hypothesis that
blacks are actually whites suffe
ing from a discase he called neg-
ritude, which derived from a form
of ancestral leprosy that "appeared
in so mild a form that excess pi,
mentation was its only symptom."
Rush has been called the father of
American psychiatry, but his method-
ology was more reminiscent of a
medieval barber's. His reliance on
severe bloodletting to treat disease
earned him the moniker Dr. Vam-
pire, and among his inventions
were the gyrater, which spun a pa-
tient around on a board to increase
the pulse, and the tranquilizing
chair, which, he said, "binds and
contains every part of the body."
Though he appears to have been
a quack, Rush must have done
something right, because John
Adams admired him. "I know of no
cter," Adams wrote, "who has
done more real good in America."

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sias. OWEN WILSON

А candid conversation with the movies’ favorite slacker about his hatred of
delis, his love of 7-Elevens and how he turned being a goof-off into stardom

Owen Wilson is an unlikely movie star, an
unlikely screenwriter and an unlikely action
hero. Renowned for his slow-pitch delivery,
benignly demented improvs and smile that
comes off as either knowing or ош of it—or
both —Wilson has generated a persona unusual
for Hollywood. Surfers, stoners and hipsters
all claim him as their own, and one critic even
described him as the first "slacker hun

As close friend and frequent co-star Ben
Stiller explains, "When I first saw Bottle
Rocket it took me about five minutes to fig-
ure out where he was coming from, and
after that 1 didn't stop laughing. There's a
certain sense of self that he has, a confidence
that's also completely self-deprecating. Ре
ple try to categorize him, but he has created
a whole new category.”

Wilson has acted т some 25 movies, rang-
ing in quality from the so-bad-it's-good
Armageddon to the acclaimed Rushmore and
The Royal Tenenbaums, for which he and co-
writer Wes Anderson received an Academy
Award nomination. He starred opposite Jackie
Chan in the blockbusters Shanghai Noon and
Shanghai Knights and put a distinctive twist
on male modeling in Zoolander. The one con-
stant in these movies? Wilson's quirky
demeanor, which inevitably generates laughs
in unexpected ways.

Wilson is also unique for what Gene Hack-

“I went to see Ihe Dalai Lama speak, and it
was horrible. Somebody asked, ‘What's the
answer lo world hunger?’ And his answer was
1 Sharing! And everyone oohed and ahhed
he'd just solved the problem.”

man once discreetly called his "original looks."
Unsurprisingly the press hasn't always been as
circumspect, particularly when it comes to
his nose. Time magazine called it a “twist-
ing, swollen ski slope”; the Los Angeles Times
called it “а bulbous, dented, twisted clump."
In an interview Stiller once told a reporter,
“1 don't get questions about my nose, and I
have a huge nose.

Wilson says growing up in Dallas in a
family with an “Irish strain of depression”
gave him his offbeat humor. His mother was a
photographer, his father an ad executive. All
three of their children went on to become
actors. Andrew, the elde: = was in Rushmore
and Charlie's Angels.
starred in Anchorman, и School, Le; gally
Blonde and Home Fries. The three broth
appeared together for the first time in Вой
Rocket and later in The Royal Tenenbaums

While in college at the University of Texas
at Austin, Wilson first met director Anderson,
with whom he co-wrote The Royal Tenen-
baums, Rushmore and Bottle Rocket, their
low-budget debut, which has become a cult
classic. Martin Scorsese includes it among
his top 10 films of all time.

Wilson, 36, never planned on acting. He
took the lead role in Bottle Rocket only
because no one else was willing to do so. In
a short time he morphed into a bankable

“I had 50 workouts scheduled and missed 46.
They decided I would keep my shirt on when I
was swimming. That was a little insulting—I
was going to be one of those guys who swim
with their shirt on. I wasn't the classic hunk.”

actor, working with everyone from Bruce
Willis to Eddie Murphy to Vince Vaughn, not
to mention his brother Luke and, more often
than not, Stiller. Wilson’s latest movie, with
Vaughn, is Wedding Crashers, in which the
two play a couple of lugs who invite them-
selves to strangers’ nuptials and hook up with
the hottest guests.

To interview Wilson PLAYBOY sent novel-
ist and screenwriter Jerry Stahl, who first met
the actor when he appeared in the adaptation
of Stahl’s book Permanent Midnight. Here's
Stahl's report: "The bulk of our sessions took
place on the back porch of Owen's immacu-
late Cape Cod-style home in Santa Monica.
From the outside the place looks as if it could
Just as easily belong to a dentist. But step
inside and you're surrounded by overflowing
bookshelves and countless gallery-worthy pho-
tographs. And contrary 10 his less than
eggheaded on-screen image, the real-life
Owen Wilson is probably the most intellectual,
flat-out hysterical slacker-stoner-surfer-hunk
‘you're ever likely to meet. In fact, he has the
uncanny ability to make any hour spent in his
presence seem somehow like time spent cutting
fifth period in 10th grade."

PLAYBOY: You never attend the premieres
of your movies. Why not?
WILSON: I stopped going to any kind of

PHOTOGRAPHY BY DAVID ROSE

“My exes always seem to land on their feet.
They always trade up. I should probably use
thai as a pickup line—'Look, it’s not going to
last very long with me, but the next guy you
end up with will be great!"

PLAYBOY

screenings after Bottle Rocket, which tested,
like, worse than any movie in history.
After one disaster in Santa Monica, when
half the people walked out, I asked Luke
if he thought anybody liked it. He said,
Let me put it this way. I was afraid some-
one was going to recognize me from the
movie and beat ше ир.” For a couple of
weeks after that I couldn't talk. There was
something about having my face up there
that made it seem like a personal rejec-
tion. I just wanted to distance myself. I
even looked into joining the military.
PLAYBOY: How far did you get?

WILSON: I got the phone book and started
calling different branches. I was 28, and
I think at the time the Marines had the
oldest age for being able to sign up and
still be an officer. I lived in a ї

house with Luke and Wes, so I
kept having to run out to the
mailbox to keep them from
finding any recruiting stuff.
PLAYBOY: Looking back, was
an excessive reaction?
WILSON: It seemed like a dra-
matic thing to do and sort of
honorable. At the time 1 was
thinking about Kurtz in Apoca-
Ipse Now. It seemed really cool
when Martin Sheen talked
about how he resigned his rank
as a colonel and went back to
jump school with guys half his
age to be in Airborne.
PLAYBOY: Have you gotten bet-
ter at dealing with criticism?
WILSON: If a movie goes south,
it might not capsize me the way
it used to. But I still have a ter-
rible fe: f fa
worrier. My father gave me a
Beckett quote he used to keep
taped over his desk: “7 f
Fail again. Fail better." I find
that really liberating. Still, if I
had to do the whole going-to-
auditions-and-getting-rejected
thing, it'd be over.
PLAYBOY: Have you ever had to
audition?
WILSON: I obviously didn't have
to audition for Bottle Rocket,
and after that I just started get-
ting offers. If someone doesn't want me,
I'm not going to hang around and win
them over.
PLAYBOY: Supposedly Jerry Lewis would
intentionally leave a briefcase behind after
his Hollywood meetings. Inside was a tape
recorder. After retrieving it, he would play
the tape to find out what people said
about him. Would you want to know?
WILSON: I wouldn't. I had a job as a run-
ner at a law firm when I was at the |
ity of Texas. One of my
y job was to lower expectations—I
idn't want them to expect much from
me. They would think I wasn't very bright
and wouldn't give me too much respon-
sibility. I'd act like I couldn't really follow
what was going on. The secretary would

quote
better."

nd me out to do some errand, and I'd
just go to a bookstore and grab a book,
read a while, then go deliver my thing.
But one time I came in through the back
door when I returned to the office and
heard the secretaries talking about me.
They're going, “He's so stupid! And his
voice, like, ‘Uh, yeah, I don't know where
that is." They were doing an imitation,
and it was so mean. And even though I had
acted like that, and that's what I wanted,
1 got really offended when I heard them.
I quit the job that day.

PLAYBOY: Did you give up trying to lower
expectation:
WILSON: Not really. It's the same philos-
ophy I used when I was a waiter. The way
I got tips was by letting them know at the

Му fath

er gave me a Beckett
| find that really liberating

beginning, "Look, I'm not a good waiter,
so let's get that clear right no
PLAYBOY: Would you actually that?
WILSON: No, but it was my demeanor,
which like, I'm a guy who looks like
he's trying, but I'm not going to succeed.
I'm going to screw things up. But I did
okay as the incompetent waiter. I'd go for
mercy tips.

PLAYBOY: Were these the first signs of your
performing ability, or were you the class
clown when you were a child?

WILSON: Class clown was never something
I aspired to be. What I really wanted in
high school was to be the cool guy. I
wanted to be dark. One time I tried to
freak out my mother, so I said, "I got
some bad ideas in my head." But I was

‘Try again. Fail again. Fail

really copying that scene from Taxi Driver.
Travis Bickle says to Wizard he's got some
bad ideas in his head, and i it just seems so
sad and ominous. It's kind of pathetic
when you're plagiar izing lines and emo-
tions from a movie to your mother.

WILSON: I think she saw through it. I just
wanted to seem tortured, about God
knows what—maybe my curfew being
one A.M. instead of two or some bullshit.
I wanted to come across as this Ja

Dean-like meundel type, only it
So even though 1
there was something going оп. 1 remem-

panish class and give a talk, and people
immediately started laughing. I wasn't
trying to be funny. I think it wa
because I was bullshitting, like I
obviously hadn't done my work
but was trying to look like 1
trying. So the whole class brok
up. It's the same with talking
your way out of speeding tickets.
PLAYBOY: That can be useful. Can
you really do it?
WILSON: Гуе been able to talk my
way ош of some—and I'm talk-
ing about before a cop might
have recognized me. It's not that
hard for a famous person or a
really hot girl —where's the chal-
lenge in that?

PLAYBOY: What works?

Act incredibly cheerful

deserve the ticket and then add,
“But if I could say one thing in
my defe ] this isn't an

excuse, because I know you got
me dead to rights...” From there
start talking a mile a minute
about something crazy—why
you're in a rush and how you for-
got something for your girlfriend
and she's going to kill you or
whatever. It doesn't even have to
make sense. You just want to con-
nect. You don't say it, but the sub-
text is, "Look at us out here on
the road—it's all just a game, and
we're both playing our parts
because we've got no choice, but there's
something kind of great about И...” And
at the first sign of the cop cracking a smile,
you smile, and pretty soon you're both
kind of shrugging, like "Look how crazy
life is!" And then—this is important—you
don't ask to be let off; you say, "Wouldn't it
be great if you let me off with a warning?
How great would that be? Then we could
both go our own way, and I've learned
something and maybe you have too. And
we just chalk it up to lessons learned." I
don't know why, but I've had more succ
with black cops than white cops. Maybe
black cops tend to have a better sense of
humor or an appreciation for the absu
dity of life. Who knows? Anyway, you don't
really prepare all th kind of

bullshit, but at the same time you're sincere.
PLAYBOY: Bullshitting and lack of prepa-
ration—they don't teach you this kind of
stuff at the Actors Studio. Have there
been times when this technique has
caught up with you?

WILSON: 1 have been guilty of showing up
ata movie and not knowing the ending.
One day on Anaconda 1 kind of wandered
up to the director and asked, “Hey, what
are we up to today?” It turned out this
was the day I had my biggest scene. I
mean, 1 didn't even find out my charac-
ter died until we did the read-through
down in Brazil. I was like, “Wow!” It is
so much that I'm lazy. Well, Lam lazy, but
it's also that I don't like to know too
much. I like to get an idea of the script
and the character, but I don't need to
read the whole thing. I kind of like show-
ing up at work and being like a little kid
who's getting a story told to him. But the
director completely freaked out.
PLAYBOY: How did you pull it off?
WILSON: I didn't go into scramble mode,
because even though I hadn't looked at
my lines, it's easy for me to get the dia-
logue down quick. It's not like learning
math. It's a conversation. So I can
remember, like, “Okay, you're going to
say this, then I'm going to have my
response, and it's just got to get you to the
next thing." In that situation the director
was already freaking out because I was
supposed to get really buff for that movie.
PLAYBOY: Did you?

WILSON: Well, 1 had 50 workouts sched-
uled and missed 46 of them.

PLAYBOY: Obviously you didn't get to
where you are without discipline.
WILSON: That's right. When I got down
there they decided I would keep my shirt
on when I was swimming. That was a lit-
tle insulting—I was going to be one of
those guys who swim with their shirt on.
er was supposed to be a hunk.
I did with him, he wasn't

PLAYBOY: Do you work out now?
WILSON: I swim a mile five or six days a
week. But whenever I have to work with
a trainer I ask a million questions about
the different types of weights and the the-
ory behind different exercises. I try to
ize them.

PLAYBOY: Neutralize them?

WILSON: Slow them down so I don't have
to exercise so hard. One guy finally said
to me, "I've never had such a curious
client!" I don't go to the gym much. ГИ
go down to Gold's once in a while
because that one is kind of anonymo!
But gyms are slightly creepy to me.
There are so many insane muscleheads
and these crazy women on steroids. I
always feel like there's a whole und
world going on with bodybuilders. Like,
how do they make their money? I think
there's some kind of weird sex-pimping
thing going on with these guys.
PLAYBOY: Happily, the sport people asso-
ciate you with isn't powerlifting; it's

The Slacker Pack

Meet Wilson's posse—on-screen and off

Luke Wilson

Six degrees of Owen: He stors in three
modern clossics co-written by big brother
Owen (Bottle Rocket, Rushmore and The
Royal Tenenbaums) and co-stars with
Owen in the upcoming Wendell Baker
Story (directed by brother Andrew).

The Owen factor: Yeah, they're brothers,
but their vibes and looks are different
enough that we'd rather see Luke and
Owen together than Luke with former co-
stars Drew Borrymore or Kate Hudson.

Six degrees of Owen: Their joined-ot-
the-hip act works well when they play idiot
supermodels in Zoolander, rival boyfriends
in Meet the Parents and dysfunctional fam-
ily member and gonzo family friend in The
Royal Tenenbaums. But they're never fun-
nier than as Oscar presenters.

The Owen factor: Even without Owen,
Stiller works brilliantly—his shifty-eyed,
nervous schlemiel routine in There's
Something About Mary is a classic.

Will Fe
Six degrees of Owen: He plays
Zoolander's nasty Eurotrash clothing
designer, pops up in Starsky & Hutch as
a snitch and will make a cameo appear-
ance in Wedding Crashers. Apparently
this guy never sleeps.

The Owen factor: Ferrell scores without
Owen as Old School's doofus bent on
reliving his college days by running
naked, drunk and disorderly. Of course,
he's not Wilsonless—Luke co-stars,

Vince Vaughn

Six degrees of Owen: Vaughn coolly
steals the show playing Zoolander's blue-
collar brother and, in Starsky & Hutch, а
coke dealer who buys his daughter a
pony for her bat mitzvah.

The Owen factor: Vaughn's speedball
hipster delivery is a perfect match for
Wilson's slo-mo stoner-surfer vibe in
Wedding Crashers, in which they play
divorce mediators who troll weddings for
horny bridesmaids.

Jack Black

Six degrees of Owen: He appears in the
unsold 1990s TV pilot Heat Vision and
Jack, with Owen as the voice of the talk-
ing motorcycle. They also team up in the
Stiller-directed Cable Guy.

The Owen factor: So far they've worked
together only with Black playing dinky
cameos. But when Black rocks out at his
wild-eyed, motor-mouthed best (as in
School of Rock), he shows he's meant to be
Owen's equal —Stephen Rebello

PO. AT DOE

surfing. You're pretty much a poster
boy for surfers. Do you surf?
WILSON: I like the culture. If I hung out
with surfers, though, they'd probably be
disappointed that I don't know my ass
from a hole in the ground out there. I like
the way surfers seem to be straight-ahead
and open. One of the coolest things I've
ever read was an interview with Jay Mori-
ity, thi zing surfer who died a cou-
zo. He was 17 and on the
cover of some surfing magazine, falling off
the biggest fucking you've ever seen
at this break called Mavericks, near San
Francisco. Just a horrific wipeout. When
they ask him what happened, he goes,
“Well, the board got broken in three
places." So the interviewer asks, "What did
you do then?" And Moriarity says matter-
of-factly, “I went and got another board
nd got back out there." The inte!
was like, "Dude, you're so gnarly
PLAYBOY: Have you at least tried surfing?
WILSON: The times I t
didn't like it. As with everything, I l
at a distance. I like having that be some-
thing I say I'm always going to do. Maybe
I'll get around to it, maybe I won't. It
reminds me of this great book by Zora
Neale Hurston, Their Eyes Were Watching
‘od. 1 always think of the opening line:
“Ships at a distance have every man’s
wish onboard.” I really love that, and it
sort of applies to how I feel about sur
ing. I could be driving down the highwa

and see the surfers way out there, and ГИ
think of that sentence. It's kind of a great
feeling, and somehow it applies to a lot of
things in my life.

PLAYBOY: Any other areas in which you
think you rate an incomplete?

WILSON: I always think about taking a lit-
erature class with a great professor and
knocking off a bunch of classics. I picked
up Speak, Memory, Nabokov's memoir, and
the first page is incredible. From one page
you feel you've played a chess match.
You're completely drained. But that's as
far as 1 got. Гуе never read James Joyce,
olstoy or William Faulkner. I want to
read them all, but it seems so daunting.
PLAYBOY: What book are you busy not fin-
ishing now?

WILSON: For the past couple of days Гуе
been reading a book on the history of the
Australian cattle dog because I have one.
And I found myself tearing up, I swear
to God, reading the general description
of the breed's temperament. Listen to
th The cattle dogs want nothing more
than to be your buddy and will be thrilled
to accompany you in the most mundane
chores or errands. They are often
referred to as 'shadow dogs' because
wherever you go they are right behind
you. He will be happiest when allowed to
be just under your feet or by your side."
Am I crazy, or is this really moving? The
first time I read that I felt like that guy
"Tommy at the end of Bellow's Seize the

Day, when he stumbles into a stranger's
funeral and starts bawling because he
gets what his heart needed most. I think
it was absolution or empathy—but what-
ever it was, reading that passage t
gered something similar in my heart.
liked it so much, I memorized it.
PLAYBOY: It sounds as if you've got a spi
tual side underneath that reluctant movie
star exterioi

WILSON: It's like the surfing thing. I love
the outdoors, but I'm not an outdoorsy
type. I'm not interested in being in a
sleeping bag on the ground. I like stay-
ing in nice hotels. Still, any type of spiri-
tuality I might have comes from
nature-type stuff, like trees or the ocean.
1 know it sounds slightly ridiculous and
corny, but these are the types of things I
really get into. Sometimes I'll be swim-
ming at the beach with the sun going
down, and it's just so beautiful. And the
beaches, especially here in California,
they're so democratic. At Venice you see
Mexicans, Asians, blacks, whites, every-
body. And the idea that's so nice, when
you're out there in the water with the sun
going down, is that this is available to
everybody. It's like that's the way it
should be—the best stuff available to
everybody. That kind of makes sense to
me. | like that.

PLAYBOY: Are you one of the few 1.
lenos who admit to liking it here?
WILSON: I always chafe against that herd

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mentality of having to have the right opin-
ion because you're afraid of looking
uncool. So I feel I'm always putting down
New York just to make up for all the peo-
ple putting down Los Angeles. It's a
response to people who want to judge and
say Los Angeles is shallow and superficial
It’s just so stupid. Go drive around Los
Angeles. It has some of the most incredi-
ble parts of any city in the world. It's
amazing. And to me it's a much more
American city. There's that sense of inven-
tion, of coming here and inventing your-
self. Like that album cover for Hotel
California you'd look at when you were a
kid. To me it just seemed incredibly e
Something like Malibu, that whole scene,
the idea of all that was unbelievable. The
land of milk and honey. For me it had a
lot more hold on the imagination than
New York did.

PLAYBOY: When did you first come out
here
WILSON: In 1987 I went to USC for a year,
which seemed like a vacation. I'd applied
to five colleges, and all of them turned me
down. The guidance counselor said,
"Well, I know a junior who could maybe
help get him in." So that's how I ended up
there. I lived off campus, and the neigh-
borhood back then was a little rough.
But it was still great

PLAYBOY: How does living in L.A. compare
with living in New York?

WILSON: For one thing, I hate delis. I think
of deli people as being particularly suspi-
cious. I like L.A. because it has 7-Elevens.
People who work in 7-Elevens are more—
well, come to think of it, people who work
at 7-Eleven aren't that friendly either. But
I still love 7-Elevens.

PLAYBOY: That's a sentiment we rarely hear
expressed

WILSON: You have now. Maybe it's from
playing Asteroids at 7-Eleven while grow-
ing up in Dallas. They used to have great
video games. I really like the layout of
them. I like the way 7-Elevens look. I like
the uniforms, the 7-Eleven colors.
PLAYBOY: Do you appreciate their late-
night hours?

WILSON: Yes. You roll in, grab some
Gatorade, a lighter and some Clear Eyes,
and you're good to go.

PLAYBOY: Did we just revisit some illegal
territory?

WILSON: I’m talking about the bad old
days, back when I heard the call of the
wild coming in on a much louder and
clearer frequency. These days, when I hit
7-Eleven it's just for a newspaper and a
bottle of water, maybe some Pepperidge
Farm cookies if I'm really living on the
edge. But I partied more in L.A. than I
did in New York. And somehow the par-
tying seemed much darker and scarier in
New York, like something bad could
happen. I don't know why, maybe
because it's colder—and hotter, too, actu-
ally—and because of all that concrete and
those huge buildings hanging over
like impending doom. And you're always

otic

in a taxi or on the subway. At least in L.A.
you're in your own car, a little more the
master of your own fate. People talk
about Los Angeles being a dangerous
city, but I've never felt scared driving
around. And that's another great thing
about Los Angeles—driving. It's like hav-
ing your own horse, and that's the West
That's freedom

PLAYBOY: Has weirdness come along with
being well-known?

WILSON: 1 remember hearing that Jack
Nicholson had this bumper sticker on his
car in Aspen: YES, I AM A MOVIE STAR. I
don't know if it’s true, but it sounds so
much better and original than the actor
who says, "I hate all this stuff—I got in
because I love my craft" or some shit
Even if it’s true, don't say it. Because that's

what everybody says, and it's boring
PLAYBOY: How has your fame impacted
your life
WILSON: Well, it's not exactly thrilling
when some guy wants to have a conver-
sation with you in the men's room. I'd just

as soon not have men wanting to shake
hands with me or take my picture in there.
Beyond that there isn't much downside to
people coming up to you to say how much
they like you or bending over backward to
do you a favor and be nice. To me it feels
sort of like the way things should be. It's
nice to walk into some restaurant or hotel
and everybody's excited to see you—" Yes,
of course we've got a room!" It's the way
it should work for everybody. I'm serious!
The attention reminds me of when I was
a little kid and my parents would be hav-
ing a party and wake me up and bring me
in, and suddenly every head in the room
would turn. All the grown-ups would be
like, "Hey, look at him!" —just really happy
I was there, you know what I mean? I was
a little towhead; I was a little angel. Of
course, the fame can go the other way, too.
Especially if you're in a bar late at night
and some drunk idiot with a chip on his
shoulder comes over because he wants to
prove something, because he feels obli-
gated to come up and tell me he hated
Shanghai Knights compared to Shanghai
Noon so he can go back to his pals all
puffed up, like, "I guess I told him!
PLAYBOY: How do you deal with the chip-
on-the-shoulder guys?

WILSON: I don't. I just kind of shrug and
say, "Well, you win some and you lose
some." It's almost like judo. You give them
nothing.

PLAYBOY: So you resist the temptation to
defend Shanghai Knights to drunken, bel-
ligerent strangers in bars?

WILSON: Yeah, that's a rea
tion. But the subtlest thing you have to
fight against fame-wise is somehow feeling
entitled. A sense of entitlement is a really
unattractive quality in anyone. 1 remem-
ber landing in Germany on a stopover
on the way to Rome. Basically I got off the
plane and was completely ignored. 1 kept
trying to ask people, "What is this? What
the fuck's going on?" But they weren't

1 win-win situa-

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responding. Turned out the problem was
that I had to get to a different terminal to
catch my connection and I was late, and
rather than someone taking me with a
special VIP car or just taking me to the
front of the security line, I had to figure it
out myself.

PLAYBOY: Were you waiting for people to
realize you were famous?

WILSON: More like I was making fun of
that. It was like, “Jesus Christ, is this what
it's like? No one there to help you? No one
to scoop you into this special little area
where only you can до? How do people
live?” I mean, I was mocking the whole
dynamic. So hopefully that's my saving
grace. But sure, if you're not careful you
can get hung up on all that shit. That's the
thing about living in Los Angeles—on one
level the food chain is so visible. Even now
I don't look at the trades. I try not to
look at all the magazines. I'm doing okay,
but it can still depress me. Because you
can still think, Wow, all these people are
doing so much better than me.

PLAYBOY: From what we've read, you were
a lousy student, got thrown out of schools
and didn't graduate from anywhere, so
there are probably a lot of people who are
either surprised or annoyed to see that
you've come as far as you have.

WILSON: My dad was very aware of that.
When my brothers and 1 first had some
success with movies, he got really charged
up. Some of it was pride and excitement,
but a lot of it was imagining how this must
sting all the people who had bet against
us. In my dad's mind there were a lot of
them— people for whom our success was
а stake in the heart. The headmaster who
expelled me, for example, would've been
a charter member of the stake-in-the-heart
club. I don't know how spiritually sound
that kind of approach to life is, but some-
times you need little things to get you
charged up, even if they're negative. Of
course, we're Irish, and the whole stake-
in-the-heart thing is a pretty good exam-
ple of Irish humor.

PLAYBOY: So you were always an underdog?
WILSON: If you're an underdog, you'd
better at least develop a sense of humor,
because otherwise life is too painful.
There's no question that losing is a lot
funnier than winning. Clark Kent is
funny, not Superman. I think Irish
humor tends to be lacerating. Favorite
targets are smugness and self-impor-
tance, people who put on airs. I don't
know who first expressed the sentiment
“Who the fuck does this guy think he is?”
but it wouldn't surprise me if he was
Irish. Also the Irish use humor as a way
to do battle, to deal with how life can
sometimes knock the wind out of you. 1
read somewhere about how Richard
Goodwin, a speechwriter for the Ken-
nedys, tried to comfort Robert Kennedy
after JFK was assassinated. I guess Robert
Kennedy was severely devastated and
inconsolable, and Goodwin reminded

60 him that Julius Caesar ruled for only

three years and was still immortal. And
Bobby answered, “Yeah, but he had
Shakespeare, and we got you.”

PLAYBOY: You and Wes Anderson received
Academy Award nominations for The
Royal Tenenbaums. Were you surprised he
decided to write The Life Aquatic With Steve
Zissou with somebody else?

WILSON: It was а nonissue when I thought
he was going to write it himself. In fact it
was kind of a relief. 1 was busy doing
other stuff, and this meant I didn't have
to go to New York to sit around and write.
But I didn't know he was writing it with
somebody else. When I found out about
it I asked him, and I think he was a little
embarrassed. Then I met the guy he was
working with, and he couldn't have been
a better guy. 1 expected to read the script
and offer all kinds of suggestions, but it
was just what I'd have hoped I could have
done if I'd been sitting there with Wes
myself. My big criticism was that the
pirate attack was too long and zany. Then
I saw the finished film and loved that
stuff. I came out of the theater saying I
hope he does an all-action movie.
PLAYBOY: Do you think of yourself more

If you’re an underdog, you'd
better at least develop a sense
of humor, because otherwise
life is too painful. There's no
question that losing is a lot
funnier than winning.

as an actor or a writer?

WILSON: The writer thing is easier.
PLAYBOY: To do or to be?

WILSON: То say. If people ask about my
occupation, I usually say writer first.
There's a vanity I associate with saying
"actor," and I just think "writer" sounds
good. What I really wish is that I'd writ-
ten The Great Gatsby or Huckleberry Finn.
Think about it. On Armageddon they used
a double for me galloping on a horse
through the desert, and for the close-up
they shot me in the parking lot sitting on
a barrel with a fan blowing through my
hair. The magic of Hollywood. I just don't
think there's any writing equivalent to rid-
ing a barrel in a parking lot.

PLAYBOY: "Writer" won't get you laid like
"actor," though, will it?

WILSON: Well, the combination can be very
potent: "I'm going to write the part, and
then I'm going to fuck you in the movie."
PLAYBOY: How has that worked out?
WILSON: Not well, because I'm not that
prolific a writer.

PLAYBOY: Did you do all right with women
before you became famous?

WILSON: Famous or not, I've done all kinds
of stupid stuff to impress a girl.

PLAYBOY: Looking back, what did you do
that makes you cringe?
WILSON: I went to see the Dalai Lama
speak at UCLA once to impress a girl,
and it was horrible, not so much because
of him but the people there. The crowd
made me want to throw up. At the end of
his corny lecture, with a bunch of goof-
ball utopian ideals, he opened it up to
questions. Somebody asked, "What's the
answer to world hunger?" And his
answer was like, "Sharing!" And everyone
oohed and ahhed like he'd just solved the
problem. Somebody else asked, "What's
the solution to racism?" And he came
back with, "We all have the same color
of blood," and everybody was swoo!
I just couldn't see what the big deal w
But listen, I don't think it matters how
huge you are, you still go through all
kinds of insecurities. Like sometimes I'll
notice some detail with a girl that really
turns me off, like an errant hair or some-
thing. But I won't say anything—and this
is an example of my paranoia—because
then ГИ start wondering if she's noticed
something about me that really turns her
off or even disgusts her and she's not say-
ing anything. Then I assume it probably
has happened, and it kind of freaks me
out. I wonder what it might be and end
up getting kind of depressed.
PLAYBOY: There has to be a difference
between how women come on to you now
and how they did before your face started
showing up on magazine covers.
WILSON: Of course being recognizable
makes it easier to get girls. But I don't
abuse that sacred privilege.
PLAYBOY: Never?
WILSON: Well, I have to admit a lot of the
heavy lifting is now done by DVDs and
movies and stuff. But at the same time
I'd like to think the girls are with me for
me, not because of my "accomplishments."
Maybe I'm giving myself too much credit,
but I don't think I can get fooled. I'm kind
of suspicious in a low-key way. I would
rather have a girl who hasn't seen any-
thing I've done and try to pretend she's
seen something and say she liked it. I can
get hustled for one night, but I'm hustling
them for one night too.
PLAYBOY: When you put it that way it
sounds like a wholesome, or at least fair,
proposition.
WILSON: If she likes you for the movies
you've been in, is that necessarily a bad
thing? Even if she just likes that you're a
recognized person, is that any more
superficial than your liking her because
she's got a nice ass? The worst are those
girls who read books like The Rules. Every-
thing is a negotiation. I like girls who, if
they like you, are going to mess around on
the first date and not play some lame-ass
game, like on date number one we can do
this, and on date number three we can do
that. That's just so unoriginal and stupid.
And it doesn't work. I guess they think
they can parlay that into a relationship,
(concluded on page 144)

PLAYBOYSTORE X

SEVEN
DEADLY
DISASTERS

In the wake of December's
Indonesian tsunami, what does mother
nature have in store for us next?

By
William Speed Weed

chard Alley is a geologist at Penn State Uni
Res In his office he has a graph that shows
the earth's climatic history for the past 100,000
graph reveals that for the first 92,000 of
global thermometer roller coastered in and
out of ice ages and hot spells. The turmoil leveled
off about 8,000 years ago into a period of anom
alous calm, one that's still with us. "The chart goes
boing-hmmmm," says Alley. "We live
And because human civilization
coincides with, and perhaps results from, this remark
able period of calm, most of us are blissfully unaware
of the fire and ice that nature can throw at us. "We
think it's always going to be hmmmm," says Alley,
"but it's not
As it happens, during the past 8,000 years human:
ty has also generally been spared the grand-scale
natural cataclysms to which the earth is heir: the
canoes, the perfect earthquakes, the species
hing meteors. Last December, when mother
earth cracked her back and launched an Indian Ocean
tsunami that killed nearly 100 times more people than
died in the 9/11 attacks, the world was shocked. Such
disasters seemed passé, the types of things that could
now be found only in history books and at Hollywood
pitch meetings. But we should have known better
Though cataclysmic from a human perspective, the
earthquake-tsunami combo is a geological cheeseburger
and Coke. Calamities, scientists tell us, happen all the
time. Here are seven that could hit tomorrow. Of course,
odds are none of them will, but if any of us are around
п 75,000 years we'll most certainly have seen them all

THE GREAT ATLANTIC TSUNAMI

As awful as last winter's Indian Ocean tsunami was, there 15 a worse scenario, in which
160-foot waves slam into the Atlantic seaboard between New York and Miami at speeds
of 560 miles an hour. This may seem far-fetched; tsunamis, after all, are caused by
the plates of the earth grinding against one another, and the plates under the Atlantic
are fairly sedate. (Last December's earthquake involved 780 miles of underwater fault
line, says Costas Synolakis, a tsunami scientist at the University of Southern Califor-
nia. Some areas of the seafloor jerked 30 feet, displacing an amount of water 10 times
that of the Great Salt Lake.)

An Atlantic tsunami, however, would have nothing to do with plates. A group of
scientists, most notably Bill McGuire of University College London, are alarmed by a
half-trillion-ton mass of rock slowly sliding off the side of the Cumbre Vieja volcano
on the Canary island of La Palma. Should Cumbre Vieja experience a major eruption
(as it last did in 1949), its face would almost surely collapse, shaking the mega-boulder
loose. Once it splashed into the water, McGuire envisions, it would be like a mammoth
pebble landing in a lake, sending titanic ripples across the Atlantic that would clob-
ber North America and treat Africa and Portugal even worse. (Remember, only the
Pacific currently has a tsunami warning system.)

Most tsunami scientists think the likelihood of this chain of events is remote; some
even believe McGuire has acted irresponsibly for shopping the scenario to the media.
Landslides of the size required are extremely rare, and as a Tsunami Society press
release puts it, “No such event—a mega-tsunami—has occurred in the Atlantic
Ocean in recorded history. None.”

The problem with that disclaimer, according to Steven Ward, a geologist at the Uni-
versity of California at Santa Cruz, is that recorded history is little more than a blip.
Moreover, our knowledge of tsunamis is limited. Unlike earthquakes, tsunamis are rare
and leave precious little geological evidence; tsunami scientists are still arguing
about how earthquakes and landslides generate these killer waves.

The upshot is that there's considerable disagreement about what a La Palma collapse
would mean. One school of thought is that waves wouldn't increase by more than a
mere meter or so, not even enough to affect surfing. Even Ward's calculations are vastly
different from McGuire's. He envisions waves only 60 feet high—not enough to clob-
ber Manhattan but just enough to submerge everything below the fourth floor.

Above: Aceh, Indonesia after last year's tsunami. The world was shocked by the
destruction. Some scientists believe a far more destructive tsunami could be unleashed
in the completely unsuspecting North Atlantic. Opposite: the Atacama Desert in Chile.
Scientists believe that several times in the past few thousand years the American
Midwest looked like this-and could again

AMERICA'S BIG ONE

December's Indonesian earthquake
was the second deadliest in history,
though the vast majority of deaths
were from the resultant tsunami. The
deadliest earthquake on record, which
occurred on January 23, 1556 in
Shanxi, China, killed 830,000 people
without the help of mega-waves. Geol-
ogists estimate that the quake was a
magnitude 8, only one tenth as seis-
mically intense as the underwater
Indonesian quake last year. (The
Richter scale 1$ logarithmic: Each
number represents a tenfold increase
in measured amplitude, so a mag-
nitude 9 earthquake has 10 times
greater amplitude than an 8, The
actual energy released by a magnitude
9 earthquake, however, is 32 times
greater than that released by an 8.)

For decades Americans have been
waiting for a huge earthquake to
strike a major California city. October
1989's magnitude 6.9 quake out-
side San Francisco, which killed 63
people, and 1994's magnitude 6.7
quake outside Los Angeles, which
killed 60, were pretty bad. If their epi-
centers had been closer to their
respective big cities, the damage
could have been catastrophic. Cur-
rently the U.S. Geological Survey puts
the odds of a major earthquake—6.7
or higher—directly striking the San
Francisco Bay Area within the next 25
years at 70 percent. In other words,
it's more likely to happen than not

According to projections by geo:
physicist George Pararas-Carayannis,
co-founder of the International Hazards
Society, a repeat of the 7.8 magnitude
quake that upturned San Francisco in
1906—a quake whose epicenter was
right under San Francisco, unlike the
one in 1989, which was more than 50
miles away—would kill between 3,000
and 12,000 people. Much would
depend on the time of day the earth-
quake hit; the damage at night, when
people are asleep, would likely be less
than during rush hour, when people are
in concrete office buildings or on
roadways. Either way, it could cause
tens of billions of dollars in damage
and render as many as 150,000 res-
idences uninhabitable. A similar-size
Quake under Los Angeles could have
comparable results.

California isn't the only vulnerable
area in the United States. The USGS
earthquake hazard map (eqhazmaps
.USgs.gov) shows a glowing hot spot
that stretches northeast from Mem-
phis through the New Madrid and
Wabash Valley seismic zones, almost
all the way to Indianapolis. Although
the region doesn't lie near plate
boundaries, the plate it sits on is

cracked and strained. Scientists think
the plate almost split when the super-
continents were breaking, and now it's
pretty fragile.

Three jumbo quakes struck the area
between December 1811 and Febru-
ary 1812. Each had a magnitude of
8 or higher; just about every structure
around the epicenter of New Madrid,
Missouri was damaged or destroyed.
Fortunately what was a bad winter for
tepees and log cabins probably wasn't
so costly in human life. The next one
will shake Memphis, Nashville, St.
Louis, Little Rock and possibly Indi-
anapolis. The USGS estimates that
within the next 50 years there is a 10
percent chance of a repeat of the
1811 quake and a 90 percent chance
of a smaller quake, say a 6.

While modern quake activity in this
region is rare, the likelihood of dam-
age is as high as in California. One
reason 1$ that many buildings and
roads in the Midwest aren't built for
shaking. Building codes in common
earthquake places such as Tokyo and
Los Angeles lessen the damage; the
Midwest hasn't taken as many pre-
cautions, meaning many more build-
ings will crumble and many more lives
will be lost. Another reason damage
will be great is the terrain itself. It's
composed of rich, thick sediments
that propagate earthquake shaking far
and wide. Consider that the 1906 San
Francisco temblor was felt 350 miles
away in Nevada, but the 1811 New
Madrid quake rang church bells in
Boston, 1,000 miles away.

KILLER LAKES

On the morning of August 22, 1986
a traveler approached the villages
near Lake Nyos in a remote region of
Cameroon. What he found was horri-
fying. Everything—every human,
every cow, every dog—was dead. He
alerted the authorities, who found
more than 1,800 humans and thou-
sands of animals lying dead, none
with an apparent injury. Whatever had
killed them had struck swiftly: One
woman fell under her clothesline, a
wooden pin still in hand. Most of the
deaths were near the lake, but many
were down in the valleys below it, the
farthest victims 14 miles away.

Amid rumors of alien invasion, West-
ern scientists were brought in. “There
was no record of this before. It was
bizarre,” says USGS research chemist
Bill Evans, one of the investigators.

The culprit turned out to be the
lake itself. “Nyos is 700 feet deep
and fairly narrow," Evans explains.
"It's a meromictic lake," meaning
its water doesn't mix vertically. The
bottom of the lake is connected to a

deep-earth magma source. The magma leaks carbon dioxide into the bottom of the lake
at a regular rate, but because the lake is meromictic, the CO; builds up at the bottom
and stays there, dissolving into the water the way CO; dissolves in champagne. On
the evening of August 21 something happened—most likely a nearby landslide—that
shook the lake, disturbing the giant cloud of CO; and causing it to rush to the sur-
face. Because CO; is heavier than air, it pushed the oxygen-rich air up from the ground
and away from the mammals who required it. Within a few gasping breaths, the entire
village was wiped out. The CO; cloud floated down the valleys, suffocating everything
in its path before it finally dissipated.

Nyos is highly unusual; few lakes both are meromictic and have a CO, source at the
bottom. Evans and his colleagues searched for others. While they didn't find many, they
did find one of enormous concern: Lake Kivu, which is on the border of Rwanda and
the Democratic Republic of the Congo and is about the size of Lake Tahoe. The good
news is that Kivu is a more stable lake than Nyos; it would take an eruption from the
magma to disturb the СО. The bad news: About 2 million people live around that lake.

Lake Nyos is now regularly degassed. Kivu could be too, but Evans's warnings have
gone unheeded by governments enmeshed in civil strife.

THE NEXT DUST BOWL

Regardless of whether humans are forcing the climate to change, the climate likes to change
on its own. Lately, for reasons climatologists are still trying to understand, the West Coast
has been deluged with rain. Las Vegas's rainfall in January and February was equal to its
annual average; wildflowers are blooming in Death Valley. Meanwhile the Northeast has
endured three especially cold winters.

Now, cold is okay for a while, and extra rain usually isn't a problem. But in other
parts of the world, the opposite—a drought—could take hold at any minute. The
dust bowl of the 1930s and the Sahelian (sub-Saharan) drought of the 1970s and

19805 tha

But these droughts are hardly worst-case scenarios
within a year or two in a given area and completely alter the ecosystem
dry, from hot to cold—and render our buildings, our agriculture, our way of life inap
propriate to the climate very quickly,” says Penn State's Alley, who recently served as
hairman of a National Academy of Sciences study on abrupt climate change. He
worries about the American Great Plains plunging into a drought that could last a
century. “It has happened in the American Middle West several times in the past few
thousand years,” he says, basing his conclusions fossils, studies of tree rings in
the Dakotas and core samples of soil from lake beds. “These 100-year droughts make
the Grapes of Wrath dust bowl look like a blip.”

Were Alley's worries to be realized, soil
diminish, and states would fight one another for wa
enough, people would abandon the center of the nation and flock to the coast
weather the crisis by buying food from overseas if the country is in sound fina:
shape. If not, tens of thousands will starve. Remem! the difference between the
hardships of the American dust bo ths of the Sahelian drought
was not the severity of the climates but the resiliency of the economies involved

killed more than 1.2 million people are seared in our m
The clima

огу
ап сһап
from wet

ge
to

uld turn to dust, the Mississippi would
r from the Rockies. If it got bad

2 million

and the 1

Above: This eruption in Hawaii looks spectacular, yet it's fairly harmless. But if the now-
dormant volcano under Lake Yellowstone has another mega-eruption, it would wreak
devastation across the Midwest and Rockies.

VESUVIUS, USA
Volcanic disasters come in two flavors:
bad and really bad. An example of
a bad one is Mount Pelée on the
Caribbean island of Martinique. In
2 an avalanche of fiery rock
slammed into the town of St. Pierre
at 80 miles an hour and killed
000 people

A really bad eruption could be thou:
sands of times worse. For example
2.1 million years ago a hot spot of
magma burst through the earth's crust
near what is now Wyoming's Yelloy
stone National Park and ejected 600
cubic miles—yes, that's cubic miles:
of rock. It landed as far away as lowa.

U.S. geologists are now concerned
about Mount Rainier, a dormant vol
cano just outside Seattle. Rainier's
biggest threat isn't an explosive erup
tion but a giant lahar, or mud slide
Lahars are common on volcanoes, even
on dormant ones, because the acidic
gases inside weaken the structure of
the rock on the side of the mountain
After a big rainfall whole chunks of vol
cano can liquefy like wet concrete,
resulting in 40-foot-high walls of
Slurpee flowing through valleys at 20
miles an hour. Small lahars slide off
Rainier regularly, large ones every few
hundred years. About 5,600 years ago
а huge lahar called the Osceola Mud:
flow paved more than 212 square
miles of what is now suburban Seattle
and Tacoma, a region that today has a
population of more than 100,000. A
warning system has been set up, but if
another Osceola flow comes sloshing
down th ountain, there won't be
enough time, nor enough high ground
for 100,000 people to escape.

Scientists are also keeping an eye on
Yellowstone—yes, our lovely national
park sits atop a volcano. It has been
dormant, but dormant doesn't
dead. Yellowstone first erupted on
really bad scale 2.1 million years ago,
then again 1.3 million years ago, then
about 640,000 years ago. "If we're on
a roughly 700,000-year cycle,” says
John Valley, a geologist at the Univer
sity of Wisconsin, “we're just about
due for the next one.”

We hope these eruptions are like
'ocky movies, ea weaker than the
one before. If not, the next eruption
could cause deaths in the millions.
Each of the last three eruptions cov.
ered everything west of the Missis.
sippi," reminds Valley. The residents
of Wyoming, Idaho and Montana
would suffocate instantly, and their
bodies would be incinerated by
scorching ash and gas. Throughout the
Midwest and Rockies, incandescent
stones would fall from the sky, forests

(concluded on page 74)

mean

e lucky rabbit?”

“Who brought th

BY ERIK HEDEGAARD

he other afternoon actress

Karina Lombard wasn't doing

much of anything but loung-
ing around her house in Los Angeles
after starting her day the way she
usually does, by cleaning her tongue
with a tongue scraper and jogging on
the beach. She was still wearing her
sweatpants. Karina, 36, with long,
dark cascading hair, looked out a
window at her garden and said hap-
pily, “Everything is very green right
now. It's an easy life here.”

Early in her acting career the current
star of the USA Network’s The 4400
had small parts in good movies (Leg-
ends of the Fall, The Firm) and larger
parts in movies that sucked (Kull the
Conqueror, Exposé). Last year she was
the breakout star of Showtime's steamy
lesbian melodrama The L Word, play-
ing Marina Ferrer, a temptress to the
uninitiated in the ways of girl-on-girl
love. In so doing she apparently also

THANKS TO THE MAGIC OF DIGITAL GRAPH-
ICS, BOTH OF THE WOMEN IN THESE PIC-
TURES ARE KARINA LOMBARD. AS THE
SAYING GOES, YOU CAN'T LOVE SOMEONE
UNTIL YOU LOVE YOURSELF.
PHOTOGRAPHY BY MARKUS KLINKO & INDRANI

PUTS LUST
INTO THE

woke up many a woman in the
national viewing audience.

“Thank you so much!” these newly
converted sapphists said.

“Glad to be of help,” Karina said.

Those days of gratitude are over,
however, because the program’s pro-
ducers didn't invite her back for the
show's second season. She thinks she
knows why. “1 became popular, and
I guess that's not good,” she said.
“And then suddenly with the rest of
the cast it became all about politics,
ego and who's the better flatterer, all
stuff I can't stand."

She shrugged and smiled. *Any-
way, I did the show because it was
dangerous and my character was
dangerous, and what happened on
the show happened with а lot of ten-
sion and buildup. But now there's no
more tension in the show. It's become
just about girls doing it."

As it happens, in real life Karina
has done it with both boys and a
number of women, though of late the
women have maybe been getting short
shrift. “Before The L Word," she said,
“I thought I was bisexual, but I don’t
know anymore. Doing it with women
on the (text concluded on page 136)

See more of Karina at

PEAYBOY

DISASTERS „ав

The new strain of bird-flu virus is incredibly lethal:
Of the 55 humans who've become sick, 42 have died.

and fields would burn, and the air
would be filled with unbreathable ash.

This disaster, thankfully, is unlikely to
happen on our watch. The USGS main-
tains the Yellowstone Volcano Observa-
tory to monitor seismic and magmatic
activity underneath the park. According
to the observatory's director, Jake
Lowenstern, there's no need to panic.
"We have no indication whatsoever that
this is getting active again," he says.
Moreover, new activity will likely indi-
cate a smaller volcanic event, of which
Yellowstone has had thousands over the
past 2 million years. "It's just not likely
to be catastrophic," says Lowenstern.
“Му job often is to calm people down."

THE MODERN PLAGUE

Unlike geologists, who feel they have to
downplay potential dangers, epidemi-
ologists—scientists who study how dis-
eases spread—feel as if they're screaming
and no one is listening. "We at the World
Health Organization believe the world is
now in the gravest possible danger of a
pandemic," Dr. Shigeru Omi announced
at a conference on the Asian bird flu in
Ho Chi Minh City in February. Gravest
possible danger, eh? Mario quitting
American Idol got bigger play.

The influenza virus is a tiny germ that
attacks the respiratory system and usu-
ally threatens no one but the aged and
ailing. But viruses evolve, mutating con-
stantly as they circulate through animal
hosts and pick up new genes. Every few
decades a strain emerges with the three
qualities needed to create a pandemic,
or a global epidemic: First, it is deadly.
Second, it is easily transmitted between
humans, such as through a handshake
or sneezing. Third, it is something our
immune systems have never seen and
have no defenses against.

In 1918 the so-called Spanish flu virus
scored this hat trick. It spread around
the world in two months and killed
500,000 in the United States (more than
the U.S. lost in battle in World War 1)
and an estimated 50 million worldwide.

Omi and his colleagues at the WHO
are worried about a relatively new
strain of flu virus called H5N1, which is
devastating chickens in Asia. This isn’t
bad news just for fans of moo goo gai pan.
The virus has already met two of the
three critical criteria: It's deadly and
novel. Of the 55 humans who've con-
tracted the disease, 42 of them have
died, an incredibly high death rate.

The third leg of the stool—human-to-

human transmission—is only a mutation
away. The virus merely has to pick up
another gene, perhaps from a pig virus
(pig respiratory diseases are remarkably
similar to human ones) and—voilà—a
mercilessly efficient killer of human
beings will be on the loose. While the
WHO and the U.S. Centers for Disease
Control and Prevention are working
hard to contain the virus in Asia, the
task is tough. The 1918 flu circled the
globe before commercial air travel.
Today, when one can fly from Hong
Kong to New York nonstop, the virus
can spread faster than we can detect it.

The CDC is developing a bird-flu vac-
cine that could save hundreds of thou-
sands of lives in a pandemic. But only
nine countries can produce vaccines. It's
unlikely they'll be able to produce
enough to inoculate all their own citizens
and extremely unlikely they'll distribute
the vaccine beyond their borders.

SPACE KILLERS.

There's an inverse relationship between
the severity of a disaster and its fre-
quency. The worse the potential event,
the less likely it is to hit tomorrow. With
the exception of the pandemic, the cat-
astrophes that cost many millions of
lives occur only in many-thousand-year
intervals. Which prompts the question:
In the 4 billion years this planet has
remaining before a dying sun engulfs it,
what's the worst that can happen?

The answer: It can get slammed by a
comet or an asteroid several miles wide.
According to the calculations of Univer-
sity of Arizona geoscientist Henry
Melosh, that impact would hit with the
energy of 100 million megatons of TNT.
It would send millions of cubic miles of
rock into the sky; the rock would fall
back to the earth in the form ofa trillion
meteors, which would heat the atmos-
phere to 450 degrees.

In reality, comets aren't a major
threat, since they spend most of their
time way out beyond the orbit of Nep-
tune. But from time to time they roar
toward the sun. Comet Hale-Bopp
majestically sailed past in 1997, coming
Just inside Earth's orbit. And sometimes
one even collides with a planet, as when
comet Shoemaker-Levy 9 plunged spec-
tacularly into Jupiter in 1994.

But Jupiter is a much bigger target, as
well as a heavier one that pulls in comets
gravitationally. The chances of a comet
hitting our tiny planet are "close to
zero," says Erik Asphaug, a planetary

scientist at the University of California
at Santa Cruz, who says scientists had a
hard time calculating the risk of this
event. "We assess hazards by multiply-
ing the likelihood of the event with the
destruction it would cause. How do you
multiply a likelihood of zero times a
destruction of infinity?" Still, in the
extremely unlikely event that something
on the order of the 25-mile-long Hale-
Bopp arrived in your mailbox at a speed
of 30 miles a second, Asphaug assures
us, "there would be no living thing left
on earth except those bacteria that can
live deep underground in the rocks."

Asphaug can be reasonably sure of
this because a much smaller body, the
six-mile-wide KT asteroid, slammed
into the Yucatán peninsula 65 million
years ago and presumably broiled all
surface creatures to death, most notably
the dinosaurs.

Let us pause momentarily to appreci-
ate a small irony: Nature's destruction is
also always creative. The sort of asteroid
we think might destroy us is in fact the
very thing that gave us life. At the time
the KT asteroid struck, the first mammal
species—small, weak and scared—were
hiding from the mighty dinos. The smart
ones ceded the surface to the ferocious
reptiles and adopted a burrowing life-
style. These gopherish forebears were
therefore shielded from the asteroid-
induced inferno, survived and eventually
took over the planet.

We still have an edge, having devel-
oped technology that will allow us to
spot these asteroids long before they hit.
Already our telescopes have found all
the near-earth objects (NEOs in astro-
nomical parlance) wider than six miles,
and we're developing a new telescope
that promises to find all NEOs down
to 300 yards in size. (Objects smaller
than 300 yards could still surprise us
with as much as a 1,600-megaton explo-
sion and be a regional superdisaster, but
meteors that small don't threaten
extinction.) Says Asphaug, "Within 10
years we'll know all the NEOs down to
one kilometer," roughly 0.6 miles.

At this point we know of nothing on
а course to hit us. But what if something
starts heading our way? "We'll have a
lot of time, probably hundreds of years
before impact, to figure out how to
deflect it," Asphaug maintains.

The solution we adopt could be far
simpler than the nukes Bruce Willis
uses in Armageddon. "You probably just
have to go up there and paint the thing
white," Asphaug contends. "With the
increased reflectivity, the sun's pho-
tons would change its course in time."

That's a relief. Now someone has to
figure out how to pull that white-paint
trick on the viruses.

Technology used to be like Cindy Scheinman from 12th grade. You were madly in love with it,
but no matter how much money you spent, it was indifferent to your true needs (such as a de-
cent instruction manual). But unlike Cindy, tech has recently seen the error of its ways. It
wants to spend quality time with you, and it can be a cheap date some nights. In apprecia-
tion of this trend, here are 25 terrific ways that technology has transformed from a high-
maintenance nightmare to the chill, helpful and sexy companion you always knew it could be.

By Steve Morgenstern

Easy
Pieces

The tech you
need to live the
life you want

У Audiovox NPC5400 GPS navigation
systems are great—if you make your living
as an explorer, a traveling salesman or a
touring musician. For those of us who
work in the same place every day (and
can remember how to get there) daily use
has been superfluous—until now. The
real-time traffic system available in

the NPC5400 receives road-condition
information via FM signals and constantly
updates your GPS to show accidents,
congestion and construction as they
happen. The system can automatically
recalculate the best route based on the
current circumstances, and with a single
click you can get additional details about
what's going on. ($1,100, audiovox.com)

е YouSendit What do you do when a
file is too funny to keep to yourself but
too big to send in an e-mail? You use
yousendit.com, a free, ad-supported ser-
vice. Upload that homemade Doctor
Zhivago remake to its site, along with a
list of those you want to show it to, and it
will send an e-mail with a link to the file
50 your pals can download it without clog-
Bing their in-boxes. The files you upload
are available on the site for seven days
and can be as big as a gigabyte—which is
enough space for more than two hours of
torrid Zhivago action. (yousendit.com)

e Get Digital Ripping a few CDs into

-MP3s is fast and simple. But what about

100 CDs, or 1,000? If you
want to fill that new iPod with
legit music without rebuying
your collection, you're looking
ata serious hassle-unless
you let Get Digital handle the
grunt work for you. For about
$1 a disk, the company will
send you boxes of empty CD
spindles that you fill and ship
back. About a week later it
returns your CDs along with
ali the files ripped to any for-
mat and bit rate you choose,
Stored on data DVDs or a
portable hard drive. You also
get a binder containing all
the album art and track list-
ings. Does it get any easier
than this? (getdigitalinc.com)

4 Voodoo ENVY m:50 Buying a laptop
is a devil's bargain. Do you want a
10-pound monster that could run
Nasdaq or a one-pound marvel that
barely has enough juice to surf the
web? Forget we asked, because the
witch doctors at VoodooPC have
cooked up this featherweight
phenom, encased it in carbon
fiber and given it an appropri-
ate name. Don't let its svelte
3.4-pound figure fool you—
there's no skimping here. With
built-in Wi-Fi and a speedy
Intel Pentium M mobile
processor under the hood,
this thing will run any
application you can throw
at it. To fully pimp it out,
you have a choice of col-
ors, ranging from modest
to mind-blowing, and a set of custom
line-art tattoos (see left) that will give
you а little mojo wherever your travels
take you. ($1,938, voodoopc.com)

А. Canon Digital Rebel ХТ Two years ago
Canon introduced its extraordinary Digital
Rebel, a digital SLR camera that cost just
under a grand. Ditching film no longer
meant giving up interchangeable lenses,
fast shutter response or your left kidney
in trade. Now a new XT version of the
groundbreaking shooter is here, and it's
even more impressive than its big
brother, with a slimmer case, tack-sharp
eight-megapixel resolution, zippy three-
frames-a-second shutter speed and an
impressive instant-on feature to keep you
from missing impromptu chances to
squeeze off a few shots. Plus, you're buy-
ing into a huge product line, with а vast
selection of lenses and accessories just a
credit-card swipe away. Now all you need
to unleash your inner Pompeo Posar is a
beautiful woman and a convincing smile.
($1,000 with lens kit, canonusa.com)

4 SanDisk ImageMate
12-in-1 card

>, reader-writer Our
ever-expanding array
of digital cameras,

camcorders, MP3
+ players, cell phones
and PDAs uses an
ever-expanding array
. ofitty-bitty memory cards

to store information. Do
‘> you honestly know
whether your camera

uses CF or SD? Or where you put the
transfer cord? Invest in a cheap and easy
card reader like this one and you'll never
have to answer such questions again.
Slap it into a USB port, pop in any mem-
ory card, and drag and drop to your
heart's content, loading and unloading
your devices with the digital equivalent of
wild abandon. ($35, sandisk.com)

€ Napster to Go After Napster was
forced to shut down in 2000, the smart
money wrote off a comeback for the file-
sharing pioneer—which proves the smart
money is
often dead
wrong. Nap-
ster is not
only back, it's
once again
schooling the
- | establish-
ment on what the people want and how
to give it to them. For the price of a
single CD a month, you get the run of a
million-song (!) library, all of which you
can load onto a portable player and take
with you (check your players compatibility
before subscribing). If you stop paying,
the songs stop playing, but that's a small
price to pay for completely eliminating
buyer's remorse. (napster.com)

у Seagate Pocket Hard Drive Those
teeny USB thumb drives are fine for mov-
ing the odd word-processing document
or music file, but when it comes to carry-
ing complete digital movies, batches of
high-res photos or a big chunk of tunes,
Seagate's Pocket Hard Drives are the
way to go. The three-inch disks are
available in 2.5-gigabyte
($119) and five-gigabyte
($159) capacities and
need no drivers or
external power.

Plug one into

a USB port with

its built-in

retractable cable

and you’re

done. No hassle
involved-just

instant, portable,

sizable storage.
(seagate.com)

» Sony HDR-FX1 You get only one crack
at shooting the videos you'll force others
to watch for the rest of

the best. Sony's

HDR-FX1 is the

first “consumer-priced” cam-
corder that can record a full
10801 high-definition signal
(translation: a really good
one). Three separate light sen-
sors (CCDs) provide professional-
quality color reproduction, and Carl
Zeiss makes the lens (which has a 12x
optical zoom). The shooting controls are
enough to make any Sundance wannabe
soak his soul patch in drool. Manual
zoom and focus rings let you get as arty
as you want, and Super SteadyShot
image stabilization means your shoots
will look professional even if you're any-
thing but. This camcorder may be a little
bulkier than most, but the on-screen
results are nothing short of astonishing.
Oh, and if Aunt Pat's mustache is a little
too vivid at 10801, you can always dial
the camera down to regular DV
recording. ($3,700, sonystyle.com)

> Archos AV4100 Fill the
drive on Archos's latest
multimedia jukebox and
you could watch video
24-7 for more than
two weeks and
not see the
same explo-
Sion twice.
Equipped with
а beautiful 3.8-inch
LCD, the AV4100 can
record movies and TV shows
directly from your cable box, satellite
receiver or DVD player, as well as play
back digital music and show photos. The
first generation of these gadgets from
various manufacturers were a pain to
load up, but many kinks have been
worked out. Major improvements include
the docking station, which lets you plug
in without wire hassles, and software
that lets you turn the AV4100
into what amounts to a
micro-TiVo. Don't be
stingy when dragging
and dropping those
files-the 100-
\ gigabyte (yes, that's
~ 100-gigabyte) hard
drive can hold
more than 200
A hours of video,
Ч 1,500 hours of
music or literally a
million photos.
($800, archos.com)

© Grouper File-sharing services have
gotten a bad rap in past years, with
many stuck їп litigation. But a few have
risen above the fray by offering intelligent
ways to avoid outright theft. First off,
Grouper is not global, share-with-
everyone, piss-off-the-RIAA kind of soft-
ware. It's a program that lets you set up
а common space where you and your
pals can all download one another's
video clips, digital photos or other files
and stream one another's music. Safe
and simple, the software opens your stuff
only to the handpicked peeps you've
invited into your group. It's private, pass-
word protected, fun (you can instant-
message and chat) and completely
free of charge. (grouper.com)

© Pinnacle Studio Version 9 There are
no bad home movies, just bad home-
movie editors (a.k.a. home-movie non-
editors). To make people pay attention
to your flicks, you need to get in and
out quickly (i.e., your Grand Canyon trip
should run three minutes or less). The
good news: It's shockingly simple to do
with this powerful package from Pinna-
cle. Load it onto your computer and turn
raw footage into a polished production
in a matter of minutes, with a musical
Score, cool transitions, titles and cred-
its. It'll even let you design DVD menus
and burn discs for you. Never has $80
saved so many from so much suffering.
(pinnaclesys.com) T

А Kodak EasyShare-
One Why wait till you get home

to show off that girl you met on the steps
of the Parthenon? Kodak's EasyShare-
One is the first camera to let you share
the joy with your buddies back home
from any Wi-Fi hot spot. With its built-in
hardware and software, you can send
photos over the Net right from the cam-
era—no computer required. Plus it has a
four-megapixel sensor, a 3x digital zoom
and a bright, beautiful three-inch screen.
Add such niceties as in-camera photo-
editing and album software and you've
‚got yourself one badass snap-
per. ($600, kodak.com)

> iRiver H10 Do you
really want to carry
the same little MP3
player as your
mom, the mail-
man and half
the 12-year-
olds on your
block? Instead
consider ¡Rivers
sleek H10, which has miles
of style, a bright 1.5-inch color display
for photos, a built-in FM tuner (which
rocks for pulling in TV audio at the
gym) and a removable, rechargeable,
replaceable battery that lasts up to 12
hours. It comes with five gigabytes of
space (the standard for midsize players),
as well as a slim profile and support
for the Napster to Go subscription ser-
vice. How's that for thinking different?
($280, iriveramerica.com)

© Google Desktop With careful organiza-
tion and scrupulous attention to detail,
you'll always know where the files on your
‚computer are stored—but what fun is that?
Its far easier to download the free Google
Desktop program and let it keep track of
everything for you. You can set the soft-
ware to automatically index the web pages
you browse, along with your e-mail mes-
завез, IM chats and Word, Excel,
PowerPoint, PDF and text documents—
even photo, audio and video files. Just pull
up the familiar Google search page, tell it.
to find a keyword (say, defenestrate), and
it'll find any document on your machine
that has that word in it. No more getting
frustrated and throwing your computer out
the window. (desktop.google.com)

> Sony PlayStation Portable By now
you've probably had the chance to check
out this miniature marvel for your-
self, with its 4.3-inch
widescreen, console-
worthy game graphics,
ability to play music

and movies and built-in
Wi-Fi. It's a seriously
amazing gadget. It has
the usual Sony buzz kills,
like proprietary memory
cards and video formats,
but that's why we have
hackers, right? In any case, for
a device as incredible as this we're
willing to look the other way just this
once. ($250, us.playstation.com)

4 Pioneer AirWare XM2Go Broadcast
radio has been circling the drain for
years, while satellite radio keeps getting
better. Now you can carry all of XM's
commercial-free music, sports, talk and
news channels wherever you wander
thanks to this innovative XM2Go receiver.
About the size of a transistor radio, the
AirWare has a built-in antenna and a
five-hour memory buffer that will bank
audio for when you're out of satellite
range. Plus you can mount this beauty
in your car or on your home stereo.
($300, pioneerelectronics.com)

to protect our computers since the
dusty old days of DOS. Now, in addition
to stymieing hackers and virus writers,
the latest version strikes fear into the
hearts of those who infest computers
with dangerous spyware and adware. It's
a one-stop solution to all your computer-
security needs—highly automated, fre-
quently updated and controlled through
a single easy interface. The way we see
it, 80 clams is a small price to pay for
enjoying all the convenience of the Net
without worrying about prying eyes.
($80, symantec.com)

A Humax DRT800 Are you still letting
network execs tell you when to watch TV?
Still watching commercials? There are
other brands out there, but TiVo's interface
remains tops for digital video recorders,
and this high-capacity box from Humax
can hold up to 80 hours of televisual
delight. Running out of room isn't a prob-
lem thanks to a DVD burner-player that
allows you to save those 0.C. episodes for
your grandchildren's edification. And it all
comes for less than the cost of a high-end
cell phone. ($500, humaxusa.com)

> RCA-to-
miniplug
cable Want to
play your digital

tunes through your

stereo? There's no short-

age of high-tech solutions, from

hard-drive-equipped stereo compo-

nents to network music clients to CD

players that read MP3 files on disc. But

there's an easier way that'll run you just S
$7 at RadioShack. Plug the little end X
of an RCA-to-miniplug cable into a PC or
MP3 player and the two-pronged end
into the Aux slot on your receiver. Now
hit pray and spend the money you saved
опа ‚fwo-year Napster subscription.

“4 Axentra Net-
Box One If
step one is
getting an
Internet con-
nection, step
two should be
adding a Net-
Box One. Don't
let its dorky
looks fool you: This unassuming little
white box handles a heap of digital dirty
work, bathing your house in wireless
Internet access and letting you store
music, photos and other important files
on the hard drive so everyone in your
home can share the wealth. It'll also
enable you to access your files over the
Internet when you're away from home,
perform automatic backups on any com-
puter on your network and even serve up
web pages to bypass those monthly host-
ing fees. ($500, axentra.com)

A Tivoli Model Sirius Satellite The out-
side is retro, but its guts are all techno.
The latest in Tivoli's line of handsome,
high-quality tabletop radios, this baby
fills a room with both warm sound and
high design, and it has AM, FM and Sir-
ius Satellite Radio all built in. Tuning in
the 100-plus Sirius stations couldn't be
simpler—presets allow instant access to
your favorite channels; you can search
by artist, song or channel; and its gener-
ous LCD screen pro-
vides information on
what you have currently
”/ dialed in. When it comes
to over-the-air signals (yes,
they still make those), Tivoli's
tuner and antenna technologies
are unsurpassed and can bring in
even distant stations with remarkable
precision. If you want to play your own
music, there's an input for a matching
Tivoli CD player. We can't think of a
classier way to greet Howard Stern when
he makes his satellite radio debut, or to
listen to Sirius's broadcasts of every NFL
game this season. While you're waiting
for kickoff, NPR will do justice to the
finely crafted cherrywood cabinet.
($300, tivoliaudio.com)

PHOTOGRAPHY BY GEORGE GEORGIOU

A Philips Shoqbox Good technology is the
traveler's best friend. Case in point: This
tiny yet room-filling micro-boom box from
Philips is smaller than a can of shaving
cream, weighs just 12 ounces and packs
an FM radio, an alarm clock and 256
megabytes of storage space for music
(enough to hold up to four hours of
MP3s). The tiny built-in titanium speakers
are surprisingly powerful, with a warmth
and bass uncom-
mon їп such а
small system.
Sure, it may not
be enough to
drown out the
sounds of your
revelry for the
hotel-room
neighbors, but at
least it will
provide a little
musical accom-
paniment. ($150,
philips.com)

> Samsung HL-R5688W
Because life isn't compli-
cated enough, high-definition
TV signals come in several
different grades, each desig-
nated with a number (indicat-
ing how many lines are in the
image) and a letter (i for
"interlaced" and p for the
superior "progressive scan").
Until now, when you bought a
set you chose from models
that could display video at
7801, 780p or 10801. Still
with us? This Samsung
56-inch rear-projecting DLP
model is the first TV that can
display a 1080p picture,
putting even the most
discriminating TV snob's jaw
‘squarely on the floor. The
impressive 5,000-to-one
contrast ratio means Yankee
Stadium looks as if you could
walk right through the screen
and into the dugout, while
the progressive-scan display
renders the Big Unit's hottest
heat with surprising clarity.
($5,000, samsungusa.com)

PHILIPS

=] Y N.
ө

у LG VX8000 Trading up to a high-speed
‘сей phone connection won't let you finish
conversations any faster, but it will make
your constant companion a lot more
entertaining. The LG VX8000 uses
the new high-speed EVDO network
from Verizon Wireless and comes
with a 1.3-megapixel camera, a
speakerphone, voice-activated
dialing, an external color
screen for photo caller ID and
à handsome two-and-a-
quarter-inch main display.
What makes it really sing

and dance, though, is Veri- Mn
zon's V CAST service,
which delivers news,
sports and entertain-
ment video clips,
plus 3-D games
and mobile web-
sites at speeds
Verizon claims
approach a DSL connections.

($150 with contract, verizonwireless.com)

WHERE AND HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 131.

BY DAVID RENSIN
PHOTOGRAPHY BY
ART DEPT./CPI

The 20-year-old with the impressive career —

and great face—fesses

ар about what makes a lovely ass and

why she d like to have sexin the backseat ob a саг

PLAYBOY: For a 20-year-old you've had
your share of memorable roles—in The
Horse Whisperer, Ghost World, even The
SpongeBob SquarePants Movie—but most
moviegoers are fixated on Lost in Trans-
lation. Rather than disclosing what Bill
Murray whispered in your ear at the end
of that film, which you've never revealed,
tell us what you wish he’d said.
JOHANSSON: Who said he whispered any-
thing at all? I wish he’d whispered,
“You're wrapped." [laughs] It'd probably
be good to say he said, “I've just crapped
my pants,” but most of the time I just tell
people they don’t really want to know.
Of course, they say, “I do! I do!" but I say,
“Well, it doesn't matter, because there's just
no telling.” This much ГИ tell you: Noth-
ing was scripted. Bill just came up with
whatever he thought was appropriate.

PLAYBOY: If we had to guess what most
male moviegoers were whispering during
the opening shot of Lost in Translation—
as they gazed at you in your semitrans-
parent panties—it would be “Wow!”
Were you comfortable doing it?

JOHANSSON: Oh, that's nice. I guess you
could have said, “Damn! That girl needs
to do some squats.” When I first saw it
I silently thanked our director of pho-
tography, Lance Acord. P'd told him that

if I looked like I had any lumps or bumps
he'd never work in this town again. So
good job, Lance. It doesn’t look like my
ass; it looks like a really lovely ass.

I told Sofia Coppola, the director, that
I didn’t want to wear sheer underwear.
She said, “Okay, we'll find some other
kind of underwear—but I think it would
look really great." I was like, “Ugh!” So
she said, *Look, ГИ put on the sheer
underwear and lie on the bed. If you
think it looks strange, we'll make it some
other kind of underwear." She put them
on and looked fantastic, of course—Sofia
has a lovely body. I also thought, Wow,
if my ass looks like her ass, then ГИ be
doing 200 in PLAYBOY before long.

PLAYBOY: How long should a man stare
at a beautiful woman? Аг what age is a
man too old to ogle you?

JOHANSSON: Once you're old enough to
be my father. I can't imagine being my
dad's age and ogling a 20-year-old boy.
There are exceptions to every rule, of
course, so I would never really discour-
age someone from looking at me. You're
talking to someone who has a horrible
staring problem herself. I stare at people
all the time, especially on the subway.
Also in their cars, in the gym, when I
eat alone in restaurants. What can I say?
I like to watch people. It's not even that

Tenjoy it. I just can't help watching what
people do when they don't know they're
being watched. I think about the person,
their mannerisms, what they're wearing,
who they're talking to, and I wonder if
they like being with that person. Before
long I forget I’m staring.

PLAYBOY: You're in Woody Allen's next
film, Match Point. Describe what goes
through your head when you get a call
from Woody.

JOHANSSON: It's pretty fucking cool. I
couldn't believe it. I was shocked. It came
totally out of the blue. Woody is one of
the directors I really wanted to work
with. They were a couple of weeks from
shooting, and an actress who was sup-
posed to play the role couldn't do it, so
they called me. It was so surreal, and the
experience was better than I'd imagined.
I adore Woody. Actually, he probably
wouldn't want me to say that. So let me
say this, and it has to go in the inter-
view: He is an ogre and a beast, and he
was horrible to us. He's a screamer, that
Woody. Oh yeah, he's a screamer. [laughs]
He's wonderful.

as
PLAYBOY: You're not known for doing
action films. What drew you to Michael
Bay's The Island? (continued on page 154)

tis a clear, unseasonably bright day
A in the mountains east of Vancouver.
A sleep-deprived man in his mid-30s,
dressed for business in a baseball cap,
a nylon tracksuit and running shoes, is
parked т a logged clearing in a remote
expanse of British Columbia forest
about 40 miles north of the U.S. border.
He is of average height and weight, and
nothing in the way he handles himself
would be likely to draw special atten-
tion. Betraying few of the attributes
one would associate with the holder of
an executive position, he would look
perfectly natural on any loading dock
in the country. Stretched out behind
_ the wheel of his pickup, with his seat-
back reclined and the visor of his cap
_ pulled down over his sunglasses, he lis-
| tens through the open window for
anything that might break the silence.
“If everybody holds it together, it's
pretty efficient," he says. 24

In holding together his end of things,
this unassuming entrepreneur—who
has asked me to call him the Prez—
does a lot of driving. The truck is only
three months old, and already he has
put more than 20,000 miles on the
clock scouting locations like this one,
a stretch of Canadian wilderness iden-
tifiable most significantly not by its
name but by its GPS coordinates.

“Waiting,” he says, “is the hard part.
The top of a mountain has a lot of
eyes.” The Prez is always searching for
“pockets”—small depressions amid the
surrounding peaks—to minimize expo-
sure to surveillance.

“It's not as easy as it used to be,”
says of the business. "Everything dou-
bled after 9/11." Stepped-up govern-
ment patrols in effect since the fal

2001 have made people on both sides |
of the border mare careful ure.
more than prices ha’ nged.

вы
USTRATION BY]
an с.

“There’s always gonna be a way to do
it,” he says. "There's a lot of border
there that's unprotected.”

And few are better than the Prez at
exploiting that fact, № his payday is any
indication. The father of a new baby
boy, the Prez may put in more hours—
his workday typically runs from four
A.M. to midnight—but he earns the
kind of money NHL starters are paid.
Or the kind of money some of them
are paid. At just under 100 grand—
$125,000 Canadian—he takes home
more in a good week than all but two
of the ‚guys who Sul for the

to the dashboard clock. He raises his seat-
back and unlatches the door.

“| hear it," he says, and steps out of the
truck. It is what the Prez has been waiting
to hear, and within seconds what he has
heard is about all you can hear.

"You probably want to turn your baci
he shouts as he circles the tailgate. "It's
gonna kick up some dust."

And then everything gets military.

Rising suddenly out of the canyon, just
behind the Prez, a helicopter springs up
over the ridge, pilot and co-pilot visible
through the cockpit glass, their faces
obscured by tinted helmet shields. Behind
the buffeting sound of its rotors, the aircraft.
swings in, noses down next to the pickup
and then levels off, blowing up dirt as it
goes through translation, the aerodynamic
moment when a windstorm develops
beneath the machine.

The helicopter, hovering, bringing with
И the unmistakable, ever-present smell of
kerosene, touches down no more than a
few feet from the truck, settling with
impressive precision into what could be
an adjacent parking space. You can shake
hands across the distance, The wind—but
not the noise—subsides when the skids
hit the ground.

Whirling above the roof of the pickup,
the rotors continue to whine as the pilot
keeps the machine hot. The co-pilot jumps
out of the cockpit, a roll of duct tape in
hand. While he crouches to mask the air-
craft's registration number, the Prez hauls
half a dozen black canvas hockey bags
from the tail of the pickup and loads
them aboard the chopper, jamming them
through the rear door on the pilot's side.

The entire operation takes little more
than a minute. In 30 minutes the cargo will
be worth a lot more than it is now.

Circling the nose of the helicopter, the
co-pilot climbs back on board. The Prez
forces the door shut on the payload and
steps away from the craft. The pilot throt-
tles up. As the rotors gain speed the pilot
pulls up on the collective, and breaking
free of the ground, the helicopter climbs
out—speeding away, hugging the treetops,
moving as fast and low as possible in the
direction of the Cascades, their peaks visi-
ble in the distance, rising against the blue,
cloudless sky over Washington.

Another load off to market.

"Now | can go home,” says the Prez,
"and finish putting my son's crib together."

Aboard the helicopter bound for the bor-
der is 250 pounds of triple-A bud, the
finest marijuana British Columbia has to

offer—by popular consensus, as fine as
any weed in the world. A fraction of the
two tons the Prez is shipping this week,
the contraband is worth about half a mil-
lion dollars wholesale once over the
border and represents an even smaller
fraction of Canada's multibillion-dollar
industry in domestically cultivated con-
noisseur cannabis, as much as 85 percent
of which is smoked in the United States.
The value of marijuana production in
Canada—estimated by a source no less
sober and authoritative than Forbes maga-
zine to be as high as $7 billion in British
Columbia alone—exceeds the nation's
receipts from cattle, wheat and timber.

operations. Equally forthcoming are vari-
ous activists. Rarely, however, has a reader
been treated to even a glimpse, let alone
an in-depth look, at what is unquestion-
ably the riskiest and most clandestine side
of the business: smuggling the product
into the U.S. And never has even the most
fully informed reader enjoyed access to
the inner workings of an operation on the
order of the one the Prez oversees.

“We're in the top five or the top three of
the people doing this," says one of the
partners to whom the Prez reports. "There
may be guys bigger than we are, but we
haven't met them."

As a marijuana "source country" by U.S.

They call it B.C. bud, high-end herb from British Columbia that is prized by demanding
American clients. Wholesale it goes for $2,900 a pound in Seattle, $4,000 in Las Vegas.

Second only to oil and gas extraction in
revenue, marijuana has emerged as “Сап-
ada's most valuable agricultural product,"
according to Forbes, which was moved to
devote a cover story to the trade.

"Whole communities would go under if
it were stamped out,” says Richard Strat-
ton, former editor in chief and publisher
of High Times, a magazine that, if not so
sober, is as authoritative as any on the
economics of dope.

“WE'RE BETTER THAN FED-
EX," SAYS ONE PARTNER.
“АМО THERE MAY BE GUYS
BIGGER THAN WE ARE, BUT
WE HAVEN'T MET THEM."

Much has been written recently about
the rise of this illicit industry. Government
officials on both sides of the border have
served as sources for numerous stories,
and there has been no shortage of Cana-
dian growers willing to share their exper-
tise or provide guided tours of their

State Department standards—which mea-
sure quantity, not quality—Canada is just
now hauling up the flag, providing no
more than five percent of the marijuana
smoked in the U.S.

"They grow more pot in California than
in all of Canada," says Richard Cowan, edi-
tor and publisher of MarijuanaNews.com
and a former national director of the
National Organization for the Reform of
Marijuana Laws.

But that says less about the Canadian
industry than about the size of the U.S.
market; comprising some 15 million smok-
ers, it requires a healthy supply of imported
weed to satisfy demand. Of that not рго-
vided by Canada, virtually all is shipped to
the U.S. across the Mexican border.

One of the more striking features of
Canada's rapidly expanding illegal indus-
try is how highly diversified it is. Much of
the pot is grown indoors, hydroponically,
using 1,000-watt metal halide lights,
hydroponic equipment and custom-
designed nutrients and is produced not
by criminal (continued on page 128)

«Г
Just bought а new hat. What do you think...?”

THE GREAT

ASE

When Miss July faces a challenge,
she usually has a leg up on her rivals

If not, Qiana Chase has enough to share. At five-foot-nine, the statuesque native of Los
on that if she took care of her stems, they'd take care of her. "I've always liked
"One guy told me, 'Oh my God, your legs. They just go from here to heaven."
? I don't know. Maybe I can't tell because I'm looking at them from this angle."
Qiana (pronounced key-awN-uh) has other charms, of course. She draws people close with her
warm, high-wattage smile and laid-back vibe. She picked up the nickname О when she started mod-
eling a few years ago. "I don't know why, but it's so hard for people to say Qiana or remember Qiana,
so Га tell them, ‘It’s just Q, оКау?”” she says, following with a throaty laugh that erupts easily and
often. She first connected at PLAYBOY two years ago when she appeared in her first of two Special
Edition: ‘ve been posing nude all my life," she says. "I've always been comfortable with it, which is almost scary,

especially for my mom. She'll say, ‘Please, put some clothes on. I beg of you.’ She asked me to wait until I was 24 to

become a Playmate, so today she's okay with it. Now that I'm older I'm more body conscious and aware of my angles.

Modeling is a job that you have to study to see what works for you and what doesn't. There's definitely a rush being in
86 front of the camera and having everybody make a big fuss over you."

PHOTOGRAPHY BY ARNY FREYTAG AND STEPHEN WAYDA

Qiana gives great face as a freelance

makeup artist for MAC. "It's a cool
job," she says, "and I've always had a
feel for doing makeup.” Q hos met a
couple of Playmates while working. “I

told them I’m this year's Miss July,
and we exchanged stories.”

Ц1111111111

"| don't ger jealous when I'm with a guy
who flirs—I'm a flirt myself! But every
relationship has boundaries and a balance."

Once she's away from the camera, though, Miss July wants fuss kept to a minimum. She plans to log a lot of quality beach time
this season. "I try to stay e in the summertime,” she says. "I'm hot, I'm loving it, I look good, I feel good.” The season
abounds with highlights. “Every year a friend from high school throws a huge Fourth of July weekend party that is so much fun.
It's like a reunion. I'm social with everybody. I like a variety of people." When we ask her if this means her dates come in all
shapes and sizes, though, she raises her eyebrow and admits that her dates tend to come in the varieties tall and extra tall. "I
need to know that if I put on my highest heels, which will make me about six-five, he will be right there with me."

What does she do with eight-inch heels? As it turns out, she goes dancing—often. "I think I go out a little bit too much,"
she says with a grin. "My friends will ask me, "Where do you live? Because I'm never home. I love being in clubs, listening
to the music, feeling the vibe of the people and knowing that everybody is out to have a good time.

That's just the attitude you'd expect from a girl who calls herself a free spirit. And like a free spirit, she sees a world of
possibilities opening before her. “1 do so many things," she says. "Modeling, makeup, working in television. The sky is the
limit, and ГИ do as many things as the good Lord will allow me to.”

See more of Miss July at cyber.playboy.com.

Эе жано © .. = оо a + Oden

ZEE PLAYBOY’S PLAYMATE OF THE MONTH

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PLAYMATE DATA SHEET

NAME: Qiang Chase

mus: 206 C misr: 25 mrs: 20006
muc. 35 Я” werom: 13D
BIRTH рате: 22127 RU 4 mmc. Los Angeles CA
ansrrions: Г Would love Зо be Playmate of the Year
I would also love +o own hue оргс 055)
zunn-ons; I like People who ace sure of Убита
ond hot hay Wart out of hfe, I 1024 aebrüea.
Turnorss; 5 ink one ot hy big qs turavfts in opla

|» Accoqanee , Arco 5 unattachor do me.
EA NA SEO сеа ины e
FAVORITE AUTHOR: Maya Angelu.
FIVE MOVIES I CAN WATCH REPEATEDLY: SWard-Ash , The Color Pucple
Аад Day Monte and Yindina Neno.

ЗЕХТЕЗТ CD I OWN: Destiny" hy Dest ~ led.

Tu тавтахэт тоор свак Ап ACA Ыр аро)

MY EARLIEST MEMORY: 145 emy iS of Aw

fest Боот in Ді осо де Kissing my Chur

\zyrs old; Westeheter High

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НОА Class 5 1688 bal Poised and pcetty

PLAYBOY’S PARTY JOKES

A man was sitting at a bar, morosely staring at
his untouched beer. The bartender asked,
“What's the problem, pal?”

The man said, “My brother just told me
there's a sperm bank in his neighborhood that
pays $40 for a donation.”

“Yeah, so?” asked the bartender.

“Don't you realize?” the man cried. “Гуе let
a fortune slip through my fingers!”

Why did Einstein marry his cousin?

He postulated that men have a special attrac-
tion to the breasts of women in their own family.
He called it his Theory of Relative Titty.

Superman had a hard week of fighting crime
in Metropolis and was ready for a little fun. On
Saturday afternoon he looked up his pals
Batman and Spider-Man to see if they were
interested in going on the prowl that evening.
Batman and Spider-Man had other plans, so
Superman was a little pissed. He was flying
home when he saw Wonder Woman sun-
bathing stark naked on the beach. “Hey,”
Superman said, “I don't need those two clowns
to have a good time. I can fly down there at the
speed of light, catch a quickie and be gone
before she knows what happened.”

So Superman flew down, took advantage of
the situation and was gone. “What the hell was
that?” asked Wonder Woman.

"I don't know,” said the Invisible Man, “but
it hurt like hell.”

Ал elderly married couple scheduled their
annual medical exams on the same day so they
could travel together. After the examinations
the doctor said to the elderly man, “You are in
good health. Do you have any medical con-
cerns you would like to ask me about?”

“In fact I do,” the man said. “After I have sex
with my wife the first time, I'm usually hot and
sweaty. But after I have sex with her the sec-
ond time, I'm cold and chilly.”

After examining the elderly woman, the
doctor said, “Everything appears to be fine. Do
you have any medical concerns you would like
to discuss with me?”

The lady replied that she had no questions
or concerns. The doctor then said, “Your hus-
band had an unusual concern. He said he is
usually hot and sweaty after having sex with
you the first time and then cold and chilly after
the second time. Do you know why?”

“Oh, that crazy old son of a bitch!” she
replied. "That's because the first time is usually
in July and the second time is in December!”

Ап attractive woman from New York was driv-
ing through a remote part of Texas when her
car broke down. An Indian on horseback came
along and offered her a ride to а nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse, and
they rode off. The ride was uneventful except
that every few minutes the Indian would
let out a whoop so loud that it would echo
through the surrounding hills. When they ar-
rived in town, he let her off at the local service
station, yelled one final “Yahoo!” and rode off
into the sunset.

“What did you do to get that Indian so ex-
cited?” asked the service station attendant.

“Nothing,” shrugged the woman. “I merely
sat behind him on the horse, put my arms
around his waist and held on to his saddle
horn so I wouldn't fall off.”

“Lady,” the attendant said, “Indians ride
bareback.

Two teenagers were arrested for possession of
marijuana. At the police station the sergeant
told them they were entitled to one phone call.
An hour later a man entered the station and
asked for the teenagers by name. The sergeant
said, “I suppose you're their lawyer."

“Nope,” the man replied, "I'm just here to
deliver their pizza.”

Why did the bald guy wear pants with holes in
the pockets?
So he could run his fingers through his hair.

ана

А down-on-his-luck boxer was desperate for
money when he ran into Count Dracula in a
dark alley. “Dracula,” the boxer said, “ГИ do
anything for a buck.”

Dracula replied, "Well, I'm quite horny. Give
me a blow job and ГЇЇ pay you $50."

So the boxer went down for the Count.

During a job interview the employer said to
the applicant, "For a man with no experience,
you are certainly asking for a high salary."
The man said, “Well, work is much harder
when you don't know what you're doing."

Send your jokes to Party Jokes Editor, PLAYBOY,
730 Fifth Avenue, New York, New York 10019, or
by e-mail through our website at jokes.playboy.com.
$100 will be paid to the contributor whose sub-
mission is selected.

“So this is what they mean by winding up on the cutting room floor.”

ВРАМОО

5 Larus begin with Marlon
Brando at home in bed
approximately 24 hours before
his death last year on July 1, 6:30
p.m. at the UCLA Medical Center.
George Englund, a close friend
and associate of the actor for five
decades, had been summoned
for what would be his last visit.
Brando lay on his side with his
back to the door. His robe was
hiked ир, exposing his vast be-
hind. A Filipino woman named
‚Angela Borlaza, the actor's house-
keeper turned mistress laccording
to Brando's friends), клей on the
floor beside him, her hands п
white surgical gloves. She was
flipping wads of solled tissues
one after another Into the nearby
waste can. In the background the
oxygen tank hissed. A gray stub-
ble, a two-week growth, covered

Brando's face. His eyes were vacant, lost
at the end of a dark tunnel.

Englund and Brando began talking for
what would be almost two hours, геті-

BY PETER MANSO

niscing about their shared past,
their likes In popular music and
women, as well as Brando's pain,
а difficult subject the actor tried
to Joke about by referring to his
“flaming asshole."

He was "weak and In and out
of awareness," Englund recalls,
‘trying to describe the exchange.
“My words weren't to stimulate
conversation. They were a lulla-
by for my friend.”

When Englund rose to leave
around five p.m., Borlaza ri
sured him that Brando's health
was on the upturn,

“| think things are Improving,”
she sald, walking him out to
his car. "He has a better set of
doctors now.

She added that although she
wasn't a nurse, her younger sis-
ter Vie was, and Vie was on call

102

IN HIS PRIME BRANDO PROVED HE WAS МОТ ONLY A GREAT ACTOR BUT A VERSATILE ONE. FROM LEFT: THE WILD ONE (1953), GUYS AND DOLLS (1955), MUTINY
ON THE BOUNTY (1962), AN OSCAR-WINNING ROLE IN THE GODFATHER (1972), LAST TANGO IN PARIS (1973), SUPERMAN (1978) AND APOCALYPSE NOW (1979)

to give Brando his meds whenever he
needed them.

Late the next day. when the news
from the hospital came, Englund was not
surprised, but he was perplexed. How
could Borlaza have thought Brando was
improving? Who were these new
doctors? Englund reminded himself
that four months earlier, the last
time he'd seen Brando, the actor
had looked old and worn, but since
then he had become a corpse. Why
hadn't anyone alerted friends and
family to what was happening?

In the first days after Brando's
death, celebrations of his career
were everywhere. Francis Ford
Coppola made a simple, dignified
statement. saying that since Brando
would have hated the idea of peo-
ple talking about his death, his only
comment would be that he was
sad. Al Pacino mused, "What will
we do without Marlon in this world?"
a sentiment echoed by Robert Du-
уа! and James Caan, Last Tango in
Paris director Bernardo Bertolucci
declared that "in the very act of dy-
ing Marlon has become immortal.”
But the news had a dark side,
too, Gossip columnists and tabloids
focused on the tragedies of Bran-
do's life: the squandering of his tal-
ent, his son Christian's conviction for
the murder of Dag Drollet (the
boyfriend of Brando's daughter
Cheyennel, Christian's imprisonment
and Cheyenne's suicide. Speculation
grew that the two-time Oscar winner
might have taken his own life. When
UCLA issued a press release citing the
cause of death as pulmonary fibrosis, a
chronic lung disease, the next hot item
was that Brando had died destitute—his
estate owed $28 million in back taxes
and debts, and Tetiaroa, the famous Bran-
do hideaway near Tahiti, was going to be
sold as the site of a future five-star hotel
For veteran Brando watchers it was
business as usual. Brando had lived—
personally and professionally—what
could charitably be called a messy life.
Behind the headlines and brief snippets

on Entertainment Tonight was a story as complex and |
sad as the man himself. їп the aftermath of his death, |
brother turned against brother. loyal staffers became lit- |
igants and relations turned acrimonious between new |
friends and old. As the story unfolded, it seemed that

everyone, old-timers and newcomers alike, was des- |

tined to pay a price for being part of Brando's world.

With the filing of the actor's will for probate on July 9,
eight days after his death, more details began to emerge.
Brando was far from destitute. According to the 15-раде
document, the estate was valued at $216 milion. represent-
ed mainly by Brando's Mulholland Drive residence. worth
$10 milion, and his Tahitian atoll. valued at $8.6 million. Nine
Children were listed as equal beneficiaries, ranging from the
actor's oldest son, Christian, 47, to the three children. ages lé.
18 and I. he had sired with his ex-maid Maria Christina Ruiz.
Excluded were Brando's adopted daughter, Petra Brando-
Corval. and Tuki Brando. the son of Brando's late daughter,
Cheyenne, and her lover Drolet. Small monthly stipends
were granted to longtime assistant Alice Marchak and cook
Blanche Hall. To guarantee the terms of the will and the liv-
ing trust that went with it. а no-contest clause cut off any
heir who challenged the stated distribution of assets.

It was a straightforward document
with one important exception—one that
Brando's friends couldn't have expected.
yet given Brando's erratic behavior И was
hardly surprising. On June 18, only 13 days
before his death, Brando had signed a

LEFT: TETIAROA, BRANDO'S ATOLL IN FRENCH POLYNESIA, WAS THE FORMER HOLIDAY HOME OF THE TAHITIAN
ROYAL FAMILY. RIGHT: THE ACTOR TAKES A STROLL AT THE UCLA MEDICAL CENTER IN 2001

two-page codicil that changed the ex-
ecutors of his estate, substituting relative
newcomers for the tried-and-true old
guard. The new executors were film in-
dustry executive Mike Medavoy. an ac-
countant named Larry Dressler and Avra
Douglas. a woman in her mid-30s who
had been a teenage friend of Brando's
daughter Rebecca and her half-sister
Cheyenne. The outgoing executors were
Brando's assistant Marchak and JoAn
Corrales. his longtime business manager.

The women had been designated ex-
ecutors two years earlier when the will
was originally drawn up on August 28
2002. Why had there been a change?
Marchak (continued on page 145)

THE WOMEN OF BRANDO'S LIFE, FROM LEFT: MOTHER DOROTHY, SISTER JOCELYN, FRIEND MARILYN MONROE, FIRST WIFE ANNA KASHFI, SECOND WIFE MOVITA
CASTENADA, THIRD WIFE ТАЙПА TERIIPAIA AND DAUGHTER CHEYENNE, WHO KILLED HERSELF IN 1995, FIVE YEARS AFTER HER BOYFRIEND WAS MURDERED.

WE 9

ёс

“Thank you for this time off, Mr. Johnson, but I really feel as though
Гт still at the office!”

103

Fashion by

Boxer

Ec <

PLAYBOYÍ

FRY Hi o

Diego Garcia

Diego Garcia is the
frontman of Elefant, a
New York band that
evokes such 1980s icons
as New Order and the
Smiths. кога kid born
to Argentinean parents,
the sound seems un-
058 аг my тв”
т 0106) my Values, |
Бере bring back
What I think being Latin
should mean,” he says.

- "For me that's Buenos
Aires, іо or Haaa in
the 1980 Ила 197099

~ ¡Latin TH
with elegance, sophisti-
icatión and glamour" His
tuxedo is by Boss Hugo
Boss ($995), тле shirt
($315) and pocket
square ($60) are both
by Charvet. His cleats,
by Puma, are his own.

PHOTOGRAPHY BY HARRY BENSON / PRODUCED BY JENNIFER RYAN JONES
WOMEN'S STYLING BY MERIEM ORLET

106

At left: He's їп a suit by Boss Hugo Boss ($895), shirt by
Ice B ($275) and polo from Soleil by Jean Paul Gaultier
($325). At right: He's in a coat ($390) and jeans ($205)
by Kapadia, shirt by Dolce & Gabbana ($375), T-shirt
by Cabral ($39) and belt by Iceberg ($170).

His linen blazer ($160) and pants ($70) are by Clai-
borne. His floral-print shirt is by Cabral ($59), and
the pocket square is by Charvet ($60). Geox makes
his leather sandals ($95). She's in a dress by Gai Mat-
tiolo ($725) and a lariat by Alicia Shulman ($500).

He's in a zip-up jacket by John Richmond X ($525).
His sweater ($428), featuring a gold design, and
jeans ($200) are by Just Cavalli. Kapadia makes his
shirt ($160). Her dress is by Giorgio Armani (price on
request), and her sandals are by Ice B ($350).

The white suit, long a staple of Latin style, was for-
ever burned into the popular imagination with Scar-
face. This suit, with a thin blue pinstripe, їз by Iceberg
($1,280). The shirt is by Hugo Hugo Boss ($265). Her
gown is by Leonid Gurevich ($1,700).

This Cuban.

turned actor is in
Steven Spielbei

War of the World

this summer. Hi

he's in a jacket by
Guido ($860), ра!

by Valentino (5:

a shirt from So

by Jean Paul Gaulti
($250) and a pockt
square by Cha

($60). The oxford
shoes are by 7
Johnston & Murphy.
($185). Her gowns 7
by Giorgio-Armani.-"
(price On request)

We discussed

shoot,” explains

'äzquez, “| realized:
Fhad this picture!

Immortal Technique

Born in Peru and
raised in Harlem, this
MC later spent time at
Penn State and та
state pen. On Revolu-
tionary Vol. 2 (Viper),
his rhymes are politi-
cal, his flow hard-core.
“My parents moved

to a country where
they didn't speak the
language,” he says.
“Му mom got a job,
my dad got a job, and
they toughed it out.
For that | give my
parents the ultimate
respect—and | look at
them as inspiration
for how to make it."
He's in a suit by,
Haspel ($395), a shirt.
by Valentino ($275)
апа а pocket square
by Charvet ($85). Her
dress is by Frankie
Morello ($1,200).

BENI TAE

Kamar de los Reyes

Perhaps best known
for his role оп TV's
One Life to Live, this
Puerto Rican actor is
also an accomplished.
trumpet player; as a
child prodigy he even
shared the stage with
Dizzy Gillespie. "White
signifies a lot in our
culture,” he says of the
suits here. "Wearing
these clothes made
me feel coo! and
alive—it made me want
to dance." Belvest
makes his suit ($1,995),
Valentino the polo
($175), John Richmond
X the tux shirt ($410),
and Charvet the pocket
square ($85). His neck-
lace ($750) and her
earrings ($150) are by
Gregg Wolf. His shoes
are by John Lobb
($945). Her gown is

by Iceberg ($3,115).

the

White stuff

This summer the new styles are beyond the pale

The classic cool of the tropics meets the quality and comfort of high fashion this year. While a Hawaiian shirt says, “Yabba
grabba brew," breezy white clothing says, "How about a caipirinha on the beach before a night out dancing?" We assume you
know which statement appeals more to the girl from Ipanema. THIS PAGE, from left: We begin with a canvas belt with blue
suede detailing by Ferragamo ($195). The cotton pants with flap pockets are by Calvin Klein Collection ($225). Borrelli offers
the shirt ($385) and tie with purple and blue dots ($185). Colored buttons distinguish the shirt by H Hilfiger ($98). The watch,
with perforated leather strap, is by Jeep ($175). THAT PAGE, clockwise from upper left: A leather weekend bag, with pink lin-
ing, gets things started; it's by Allison Burns Los Angeles ($605). Adding color to the golf glove, by Bottega Veneta ($260),
are red and gold details, The panama hat is by Borsalino ($250). Check out the small, sophisticated brim—sure, you might
wear it to a barge party, but you won't need the canal-side shade of a full brim. Phat Farm makes the boxers ($16). Facial hair
is uncomfortable in the heat, not to mention the weird tan a beard can cause, so try Nivea for Men's shave gel ($3) and after-
shave balm ($6). The foaming bath soak, to soften skin, is by Skin Milk ($5). Too hot for a jacket? Try these white braces by
Trafalgar ($42) as an alternative. They add a touch of formality and show effort, the all-important ingredient in creating style.
The slip-on loafer with black detailing is by Mezlan ($225). This summer Birkenstock puts a cool white spin on its comfortable
leather sandal ($110). With Velcro closures, these tech sneakers by Geox ($102) couldn't be more convenient. The cotton
V-neck sweater is by Claiborne ($90). Finally, in the middle is a pair of sunglasses by Robert Marc ($345).

j fashion by joseph de acetis

112

"That was nice, but what I asked was, if you'd like to play a round?”

HERE’S THE PLAN, STAN

Like most women, I hate when a guy tries to pick me up by

“You are the hottest girl I've ever seen.” It's totally
listic. There are beautiful women every where. A girl
will assume you've said that line to 10 other women that
very evening. I have to admit I was completely smitten
when the guy who delivers my bottled water said,
have the face of an angel and the body of a goddess.
e me was “You just made me c
When I asked why, he said, “Because your ass 15 SO touchir
If you want to meet a woman, it's best just to smile and say,
“Hi, my name is Stan." Only if your name is Stan, of course
Otherwise tell her your real
name. When I'm interested in a
man 1 don't tell him outright
Instead 1 bite my lower lip,
look him in the eye and then
shyly turn away. For me the
ideal date would be to drink
wine in the backyard under
the stars, listen to music and
| just talk. Then we'd eat steak
ssert. If all went
as planne we'd save some of
U che dessert and play with it
P while making out.

that
When

men alwa,

is
Vs rip it off too

Оп а mountainside things
can change т an instant.
Then the moment passes

and the woods go silent

fiction by bill roorbach

һеу'а driven where Uncle Bud had shown
them on his tattered maps—west on a
long, unmarked logging road deep into the
woods, through two unattended paper-
company gates, then north on a faint jeep
trail, once much used, no longer. They
were to look for a particular boulder. And
the pickup truck did fine, as her uncle had
said it would, even with no four-wheel drive, Timothy
confidently pulling the shift lever and kicking at the
heavy clutch, bounding them upward through the deep
ruts and grassy sections and singing—Timothy singing!—
except Jean knew him just well enough after two years
to know that the singing meant he was anxious.

Jean was tense too. "Where do you think we'll pitch
camp?" she said. And "I really do hope | can manage that
pack—you said 35 pounds but it's 46 now, and I’m quite
trepidatious about my back, sweetie. It's hurting now."

Timothy looked her over coldly and said, "She's
trepidatious!"

"That's all you're going to say?"

"You're strong enough to carry me, for Christ's sake."
And he bumped over a boulder submerged in the mud
of the old road, very slowly, one mile an hour, said a
soulful "Fuck."

Which made her laugh. She clamped down on her
lower lip with her perfect teeth—he always said she had

ILLUSTRATION BY JAMES JEAN

115

116

perfect їееїһ, but with a kind of disdain, seeming to hate
even what he liked about her. He also said she talked too
much, which of course led to fights. But she did chat-
ter at times. Something on a vacation week in the warm
August woods she ought to be able to prevent and by
force of will did: She didn't say another word.

Pretty soon—before noon, just as planned—they were
at the unmistakable rock Uncle Bud had described,
mossy and dark under old trees. Timothy parked the
truck and turned off the motor, leaving silence. They had
wanted remote, and this was remote all right. Jean's idea,
actually, she who'd snorted when Timothy suggested
two weeks with his folks and his brothers on Cape Cod—
again—after what had happened last August, dismal visit.
And then Christmas—my God, was he demented? Two
weeks in that paradise of stifled resentments and over-
baked competition? But he'd gone for this. He had. Jean
had to hand it to herself. She'd known him two years and
had come to handle him passably well.

They had arrived, so she talked: “I'm just saying 46
pounds seems like a lot of pack for me.” Jean was
petite, especially small compared with Timothy (who
didn't like to be called Tim and certainly not Timmy).
One hundred five pounds, five-foot-two, eyes of blue,
25 years old, not the greatest beauty in the world, in her
own estimation. Timothy was her giant bear, gruff, ratio-
nal, reserved, a stark contrast to her more excitable
(and in her opinion more exciting) nature. He said noth-

“How's your pack?” Jean called.
“Heavy,” Timothy said. Just the
one word meant everything.

the faint trail that would take them up Papawisset Ridge
to Papawisset Peak the back way, Uncle Bud's way. For
the first 20 minutes her thoughts were all ajumble and
slightly furious—Timothy had talked her into too much
weight. And too much weight for himself, too, always
showing off. And no sign at all that he felt this was an
especially romantic trip. But її was. Their relationship was
the whole idea. And that you didn't always have to be
off with your brother, or some replacement brother,
someplace, doing manly things, making fun of everything
on the planet, and Jean, for sport.

Jean and Timothy, hikers now, passed through thick-
set woods, mossy earth, an untouched old forest that
loomed over a recent clear-cut so that there was a view
out at times to the hills south and to Mount Abraham
(she thought she recognized it but said nothing, not to
invite derision in case she was wrong) and a strong,
balmy updraft unto wind, Her pack felt light, actually.
Her pack felt great, to tell the truth. No problem walk-
ing. Timothy pushed her to greater heights, and that
was a good thing. They climbed, mostly—switchbacks,
lichens, boulders right and left, warbler song, chick-
adees, wood-pewees. What a place Uncle Bud knew
about! Timothy hadn't said two words.

"How's your pack?" Jean called forward.

"Heavy," Timothy said. He could say just the one word
heavy in such an ironic way that it meant everything
about the little argument they'd had last night and the
bigger one this morning, and about
all her complaining, and about how
actually her pack was pretty light
and comfortable even climbing up
the big rocks here. To the right in
the woods there was a gargantuan
boulder, a glacial erratic, Jean
knew, cracked magnificently, fallen

ing, just pulled her pack and his easily from the back of
the truck, her uncle's truck, old wrecks, uncle and car,
both of them. (Uncle Bud in his cups last night had con-
fided to her amusingly that he thought Timothy "a stiff"
and then later "a cold fish," though he was glad to meet
him: Now he could warn her off him. Wasn't he a tad bit
too much like her father, speaking of stiffs? Speaking of
emotional deserts? Uncle Bud's laugh was so infectious,
even with his being so nasty. Wouldn't she do well to
wait to get married? "Thirty is even too young, but at
least, | beg of you, wait till then," he'd said. "I'll be your
best man. I'll give you away! Find someone who's not
so angry." They laughed and laughed until Timothy
came into the big rustic room from one of many con-
stipated visits to Uncle Bud's nice outhouse, and even
then they could not stop laughing. Timothy, for his part,
did not crack a smile and did not ask what was funny.)

At the parking spot in the deep woods Timothy put
his hands on Jean's shoulders, pulled her up out of
her reverie as he so loved to do and said, "We'll drink
up that gallon of water in your pack there, and that
weighs eight pounds alone." He'd said this before, ten
times. He said, "We'll eat down the food." Ten times. He
said, "And every day it'll weigh less. You'll be fine."

And he hefted her pack and held it to her back, let
her find the straps.

He put his own on without help, staggering: 74 pounds,
way too heavy too. And they hiked into the woods on

into two pieces you wanted to push back together. "That
is a glacial erratic," Jean called forward. Timothy said
nothing and hiked on, though she knew he had heard
her by the brief and infinitesimal tightening of his neck.
They stopped a little higher, sat on a kind of wide shelf
of cool, dry granite, pulled the top layer out of Jean's
pack, ate a lunch of chicken roll-ups she'd made this
morning and two carrots each (Timothy had peeled
them nicely, making fun of Uncle Bud's garden and its
very existence when there are grocery stores) and
then two big pieces of the carrot cake she'd made for
Uncle Bud that he had pressed on them this morning
and a quart of water between them (which would be
altogether nearly three pounds less for her to carry).
"Here's to Uncle Bud," Timothy said, layer upon layer
of snide and arcane meanings packed into his tone.
Then he was silent a long time. He was often silent.
He was 25 too. Jean knew he was thinking and not to
interrupt. He'd listen if she said something, but if she
did talk he wouldn't say whatever was coming, what-
ever bit of conversation he was brewing up. This was
the silence before the talk, and she loved to hear him
talk, loved him, in fact, from the bottom of her shoes,
despite what Uncle Bud had said late (Timothy already
unhappily reading in bed)—poor, unshaven Uncle Bud
slurring his whispered words, eyes liquid but so full of
warmest caring and gentle humor: "You'll marry him
and stay with him like your (continued on page 136)

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117

The planet's premier
swimsuit model has the world
on a string bikini

models, and then there is Joanna Krupa. Ladies and gentlemen,
behold the state of the art.

At 24, Krupa is at an age when a very few sublimely gifted people
find that all doors open wide for them. She is blonde, blue-eyed, rall
enough to look down on most of her fellow inhabitants of Earth and
otherwise endowed with such an array of attractions that seldom must
she want for companionship. Indeed, this has posed something of a
problem, causing poor Joanna to be misunderstood as a flirt. “1 mean,
I don't think I did it intentionally," she says breezily. “I was just really
friendly, and guys took it the wrong way. I tried not to hurt people's
feelings, so if they'd ask me out I'd say I had a boyfriend even when I
didn't. It was just casier to lie."

Those days of flirting and fibbing are over, Joanna says, now that she
has a real boyfriend, actor Jensen Ackles (Smallville, Dawson's Creek),
who is himself no slouch in the blond and tall departments. They've
been going out for more than 15 months, and she is pretty gaga over
him, seemingly for good reason. “He's a wonderful person, really laid-
back, just a normal guy and not into the whole Hollywood scene with

Ї this great wide world there are models and there are swimsuit

In 2003 and 2004, magazines on four continents named Joanna the sexiest
woman in the world. Magazines on the three other continents have some
explaining to do. Above right, Joanna turns heads on the TV series Las Vegas.

PHOTOGRAPHY BY STEPHEN WAYDA
AND MARCO GLAVIANO

his head up his butt,” she says. “And every time I have an orgasm with him it's amazing!” Now, there's an image to summon
discreetly the next time your aunt starts discussing her Hummel figurines.

Sadly, Ackles is not with her today on her modeling shoot, so she has to make do with other, more pedestrian amazements.
Lounging in her hotel on southern California's Catalina Island, a sweatshirt hanging off her shoulders Flashdance style, she flips
through the channels on the television, checks her e-mail and does her best to extol the virtues of her latest acting job. Joanna, as
it turns out, has copped the female lead in the chop-socky flick Max Havoc: Curse of the Dragon, opposite David Carradine, Car-
men Electra and martial arts star Mickey Hardt. “In the movie my sister and 1 are traveling to Guam and I run into this jade
dragon that's worth a lot of money, but it belongs to the Japanese mafia," she summarizes. "So basically the whole thing is
about this stupid jade dragon, and the Japanese mafia is after it." Perhaps that description seems a tad nonchalant for someone
who's embarking on a career thousands pine for in vain, but Joanna doesn't appear terribly impressed with the Hollywood
scene. She says she once met Jack Nicholson at a Nicolas Cage party, at which “he seemed like a grumpy old man. I don't remem
ber if he even said hi.” (Jack, if you're listening, you've got to take off the sunglasses sometimes. Look what you're missing!)

The journey to get to a Nicolas Cage party began in Poland, where she was born. Her family moved to Chicago when she
was а tot and lived in the Polish community there. At the age of 13 she saw an ad for the Barbizon school of modeling,
begged her mom to let her attend, watched $10,000 go down the tubes with no results, enrolled at a two-year community
college, left for L.A. when she was 19, got modeling gigs for Yamaha, Skechers and Izod, and eventually became a minor but
nonetheless memorable face on quite а few television comedy shows, including Just Shoot Me! (“David Spade was a really
friendly guy"), Son of the Beach (“It was fun. It was a chilly day”) and The Man Show. Actually, she spent an entire season

оп The Man Show, as one of фе boob
Juggy dancers, and was not enthralled by the

perience. “It was fun e says, “bur if I had
to go back, I definitely wouldn't do it again. It was
a waste of my time.”

With our time together growing short, we fer
ret out a few more morsels of Krupa lore. She's a
junk-food junkie (*Foodwise, I love to eat"), she
says, and cops to being a nail biter. When asked
which of her features she thinks men find most

attractive, she talks about her eyes and her lips,

which she describes, accurately, as “nice and
plump." True е but readers should feel f
to make their own selection
Outside her window some sailboats are drifting
past. “What do you see when you stand in front of
a mirror?” wea
“I don't know,” she says remotely. “It’s hard to
And off she goes, tall, blonde and 24
del the hell out of some lucky bikini, our last

stupidly obvious question fading from her ears.

PLEAYBO®

128

CANADA (continued from page 84)

“Everybody knows somebody who's doing | iL

says

the Prez. “My dad wanted to start a grow.

organizations—as it is south of the bor-
der, where outdoor cultivation pre-
dominates—but by a multitude of
independent, otherwise law-abiding
citizens. Highly decentralized, it differs
from U.S. production as well, display-
ing little of its vocational thrust, being
more avocational, if you will. Many
Canadian growers, unlike their U.S.
counterparts, hold other jobs.

“Everybody knows somebody who's
doing it,” says the Prez of the vast net-
work of domestic grows stretching from
British Columbia to the Maritimes. “My
dad wanted to start a grow, throw up a
couple of lights.”

The Prez's uncle suffers from epi-
lepsy, and his father had intended to
cultivate marijuana for the stricken
man's medical use. Medical marijuana is
legal in Canada, but regulations gov-
erning its cultivation and purchase are
constantly shifting. While a program is
being implemented, appropriate mech-
anisms for getting quality pot to patients
remain something of a moving target.

In addition to enacting procedures
for its lawful therapeutic use, the Cana-
dian government is on the verge of
decriminalizing possession of small
amounts of cannabis for recreational
use. In light of such developments—
and in part just because Canadians tend
to be laid-back about a lot of things—
pot possession in Canada currently
occupies a kind of quasilegal no-man's-
land when it comes to enforcing the
prevailing statutes.

It is reasonable to conclude, consid-
ering the posture various states have
adopted, that Canada looks a lot like
what the U.S. might look like if Wash-
ington loosened up. Experts on both
sides of the border, and both sides of
the issue, believe decriminalization in
Canada is just a first step toward out-
right legalization. What the United
States might be like if that were to
happen inspires hysteria in the typical
Washington bureaucrat.

"They're talking about legalization
while Rome burns," says U.S. drug
czar John Walters, threatening to slow
movement of goods across the border
if our nation's largest trading partner
follows through on decriminalization.
Such hysteria is infectious. The New
York Times succumbed to it in March.
In a front-page story, the newspaper,
citing U.S. authorities, reported the
murders of four Royal Canadian
Mounted Police officers as "stark evi-

dence" of an "increasingly violent"
marijuana industry north of the bor-
der. Within a week even the RCMP
had backed away from that position,
its commissioner admitting that he was
too quick to link the murders to mar-
ijuana. The Times, reporting in the
same article that the murder rate in
British Columbia had "soared in the
past two years" as a result of drug-
gang killings, ran a correction five
days later stating that the murder rate
had in fact remained stable.

Shooting across Harrison Lake, the
helicopter with the Prez's cargo aboard
travels south about 50 feet off the
ground, moving in and out of the
canyons. The pilot—"You can call me
George,” he says—pushes 120 knots all
the way to the border.

George, like everybody who admits
to being part of the operation, seems
to fall within an age range between
mid-30s and mid-40s. Also like every-
body else, he is happy to let you use
his name as long as the name you use
is not his real name—which, like
everybody else, he refuses to give you
in the first place.

The weather is clear all the way to
the drop. About 40 miles into the U.S.,
George closes on the GPS coordinates
he has been given. Below him, alone in
the emptiness of upper Washington
state, a pickup is parked, its driver
standing by the tailgate. Before putting
the helicopter down, George executes
a fly around, “clearing the area,” cir-
cling the site to verify that it is not
under surveillance. According to the
Prez, the ones most at risk in the oper-
ation are the catchers, the personnel in
the States on the receiving end of the
pot. Part of the pilot's responsibility is
to evacuate them in the event of trou-
ble. “If there's trouble you ditch the
load,” he says. “You leave the truck
and get the guys back.”

After assuring himself that the land-
ing zone is secure, George puts the
helicopter down next to the truck,
keeping the machine hot while the
catcher unloads the dope. “You never
leave the controls,” he says. The skids
are on the ground for not even a
minute. Lifting off as the truck's tail-
gate goes up, George circles again,
double-checking the site before turn-
ing the machine north.

He drops to 50 feet off the tree line
and speeds back to Canada.

“The money's over the border,” says
the Prez.

Canadian pot production far exceeds
its domestic demand, and the industry,
like many others in Canada, thrives
on U.S. dollars. It is probably safe to
say that with almost 10 times Canada's
population, the United States is the
largest market for just about any com-
modity produced in that country.

Washington's war on drugs severely
inflates the value of marijuana in the
United States. Canada, for example,
unlike the U.S., does not support what
amounts to a drug-enforcement air
wing overflying the country to pick up
your neighbor's infrared signature, a
reading generated by the heat that
emanates from the lights in his house.
Canada does not throw its citizens in jail
on racketeering charges for pot posses-
sion. In the run-up to September 2001,
when the U.S. was funding its antiter-
rorism budget at $10 billion a year, it
was spending $18 billion at the federal
level and about that much at state and
local levels—call it $68,000 a minute—
on drug enforcement.

Vigorous enforcement and dracon-
ian penalties bring elevated risk and a
higher cost of doing business. For these
and other more elemental economic
reasons—the same ones that lure Hol-
lywood to shoot movies in Canada—a
product that equals or exceeds the
quality of anything grown in the U.S.
doubles in value once it lands there. In
many cases buying it makes more sense
than growing it, and that accounts for
what may be the newest development
in the marketplace: many U.S. growers
abandoning agriculture to broker В.С.
bud instead.

Canadian cannabis competes not with
other U.S. imports—pot coming out of
Mexico, or Mexishwag, as И 15 known,
does not target the upper end of the
market—but with the domestically pro-
duced commodity. And in the end it
does not really compete at all but is sim-
ply a supplement, serving a connoisseur
market, the demands of which cannot
be met by homegrown product alone.

When Canadian pot arrives in the
U.S. the supply-and-demand equation
reverses itself—if there is a saturation
point south of the border, no one has
yet found it. “The U.S. is a consuming
nation, a hungry whore, an angry
nation. We've got to get them their
medicine,” explains a wealthy British
Columbia grower who quit his lucrative
job as a salesman for a large agricul-
tural company in his eagerness to enter
the cannabis trade. “1 couldn't wait to get

“That's not what I meant when I said you'd have to share the bath with
woman down the hall.”

us “5 эн 2-4 22

129

my target commission so I could spark up
a hundred-light show.”

The U.S. market is unlimited, says the
Prez, and servicing it is serious business.
He and the people to whom he reports
take pride in conducting their business as
reliably and responsibly as they would
any legitimate endeavor.

"We're better than FedEx,” says one of
those people, call him Gentleman Jim, a
principal partner in the smuggling ven-
ture for which the Prez is operational
chief. “We pick up anywhere in the lower
mainland and deliver anywhere in the
state of Washington.”

As 15 customary at his level of participa-
tion in the trade, Gentleman Jim pays a lot
more attention to the cut of his clothes
than does a hands-on exec like the Prez.
Impeccably groomed, dressed casually but
neatly, he holds forth today from a pricey
downtown Vancouver restaurant at which
he appears to be a favored regular.

"We have two or three choppers run-
ning all the time," he says, "running
three times a day, as many days as the

weather's good. We never work week-
ends." One thing that makes weekends
difficult is the presence in the mountains
of hikers and campers—witnesses over-
running the loading zone.

Gentleman Jim says his U.S. buyers
are "people we've known for years, non-
violent, peace-loving guys, low-profile,
clean-cut." And they are fussy about the
product. "They all want trips—triple-A
weed, vanity weed. You may have to
look at 1,000 pounds to get 100 pounds
of trips."

The term B.C. bud reflects nothing so
much as a very successful exercise in
branding. U.S. dealers apply it to just
about everything shipped out of Canada.
But while everything sold under the
brand seems to meet a certain minimum
standard—all the high-end dope sold
today is easily five times as potent as the
commercial weed most veteran smokers
were weaned on—by no means is all the
herb of comparable quality.

"Grade is everything to these guys,"
says Gentleman Jim of the people his

oie

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y
$

“When you asked if I was up for а threesome, I didn't think
you meant inches!”

operation supplies. “Smell, color, frost,
bag size—they want full pillows.” A
$6,000 machine is used to vacuum seal
the packages. Care must be taken not to
crush the buds or otherwise disturb the
resin that clings like frost to the flow-
ers. "You've got to go to five or six guys
for one 250-pound run of triples,” he
says, insisting that among his customers
“the demand is there for 2,000 to 3,000
pounds a day.”

But the Canadian marijuana business
has its own predictable, characteristically
relaxed rhythm. “In September every-
body gets busy growing indoors,"
explains J.R., another partner in the
enterprise. "Everybody wants money for
Christmas." By December—by which
time the annual outdoor crop has also
been harvested—supplies of the prod-
uct are ample and prices in Canada rel-
atively low. With the onset of winter,
prices drop further. "You can't get the
marijuana across the mountains," J.R.
says. "You can't get ATVs through the
snow. There are no boats in the water."
The weather backs everything up. The
Canadian market remains flooded with
product, and prices stay down until April,
when the frontier opens and the product
goes through. On any night there will be
50 to 60 people crossing, carrying pot
over the border, depleting the once
ample supply. Summer brings a dearth of
product. High demand and elevated
prices prevail, a condition exacerbated by
what J.R. calls “the lazy Canadian male
syndrome.” In the summer, he says,
everybody tends to kick back, uninspired
until the need for Christmas money once
again makes itself felt. “It’s very dry until
the first week in December, when the out-
door crop comes in and prices start
dropping again.”

The war on drugs is just one of the
longer-lived of the wars Washington is
currently waging that Canadians look on
with some incredulity. And it is not the
only war in the prosecution of which
Washington accuses Canadians of giving
aid and comfort to the enemy. While it
drives the White House crazy, and maybe
because it drives the White House crazy,
the Canadian government's enlightened
stance on a variety of social issues is a sig-
nificant source of national pride to the
country's citizens.

"They're legalizing pot, legalizing gay
marriage,” observes comedian Barry
Weintraub. "It's like they're saying,
"Come to Canada. We don't care what
you put in your mouth.”

Only in such an environment could a
company like Advanced Nutrients flour-
ish. “When we hit $100 million we're
going public,” says Michael Straumietis,
who owns the Abbotsford, British Colum-
bia company with partners Robert Hig-
gins and Eugene Yordanov. Established in

1996, it manufactures fertilizer developed
exclusively for use on “dichotomous short-
day plants"—and its founders acknowl-
edge it does virtually all its business with
the marijuana industry.

The company, whose ads guarantee
“the biggest buds on the planet,” showed
gross sales of $20 million Canadian in
2003, the year it surpassed its nearest
competitor to become the second-largest
business of its kind in the world. (The
leader is a Dutch firm.) Distributing to
more than 700 hydroponics stores in
Canada and the United States, as well as
hundreds more around the world, Ad-
vanced Nutrients, which claims to sup-
port “the largest cannabis research
program in the world," expects to dou-
ble that figure by the end of the year. It
employs more than 80 people and is pro-
jecting $100 million worth of business by
the end of the decade. “We did $1.26 mil-
lion in one week recently,” says Higgins,
maintaining that the company's plant-
specific products, which sell for about
three times the price of household fertil-
izers, are so popular with growers that
it's difficult to meet the demand.”

In January 2004 Ontario police raided
the largest, most sophisticated mari-
juana-growing operation ever busted in
Canada. Conducted in a former Molson
brewery in Barrie, a city of 115,000
northwest of Toronto, the 1,000-light
grow consisted of 30,000 plants and cov-
ered more than 64,000 square feet, about
half the area of its building. Twenty-five
beer vats had been converted to seedling-
incubation chambers.

“There was a dormitory with 50 beds,
Kitchen facilities on a commercial scale, a
big-screen TV with a bunch of recliners,”
says Barrie police chief Wayne Frechette.
"It cost millions of dollars just to buy the
building, then that much again in setup.
"This was not a ma-and-pa operation."

With a population three times that of
ish Columbia, Ontario is the largest
market for marijuana in Canada. Esti-
mates of its value run as high as $1 billion.
But from the outset the Barrie operation
was understood to be targeting the export
market, according to Frechette, "just
because of the magnitude of it."

Talking to Frechette, a 32-year veteran
of the Ontario Provincial Police who was
chief of detectives when he retired to take
the Barrie job, provides insight into the
thinking that currently pervades official
Canada. Most remarkable, perhaps, is how
that thinking contrasts with what one
invariably hears from U.S. lawmen. "You'd
have to go some distance here in Barrie to
get arrested for possession," he says.
“You'd have to somehow draw attention to
yourself. You'd have to be walking down
the main street on Saturday night with a
big doob and telling the whole world."

Marijuana charges, Frechette contin-
ues, are usually add-ons to charges for,
say, fighting or drunkenness and are typ-
ically imposed at an officer's discretion

Below is a list of retailers and
manufacturers you can con-
tact for information on where
to find this month's merchan-
dise. To buy the apparel and
equipment shown on pages 34,
39-42, 104-109, 110-111,
and 162-163, check the list-
ings below to find the stores
nearest you.

GAMES

Page 34: Baby Phat, baby
phat.com. Capcom, capcom
„сот. Intec, intecgamer.com. Logitech,
logitech.com. LucasArts, lucasarts.com.
Mad Catz, madcatz.com. Microsoft Game
Studios, microsoft.com/games. Nyko,
nyko.com. THQ, thq.com.

MANTRACK

Pages 39-42: Blue Nile, bluenile.com.
Cuff Art, cuffart.com. Dunhill, dunhill
„сот. Explora, explora.com. Norton,
nortonmotorcycles.com. Scuola Del
Cuoio, www.leatherschool.com. Tequi-
las, available at fine liquor stores.

MEN IN BLANCO

Pages 104-109: Alicia Shulman, alicia
shulman.com. Belvest, belvest.com. Boss
Hugo Boss, 800-HUGOBOSS. Cabral, 305-
296-4617. Charvet, available at Saks Fifth
Avenue. Claiborne, claiborne.com. Dior
Homme by Hedi Slimane, dior.com. Dolce &
Gabbana, available at Neiman Marcus.
Everlast, everlastboxing.com. Frankie
Morello, available at French Corner in
NYC. Gai Mattiolo, gaimattiolo.com. Geox,
geox.com. Giorgio Armani, giorgio
armani.com. Gregg Wolf, 212-529-1784.
Guido, available at H. Lorenzo in Los
Angeles. Haspel, available at Frank Stella
in NYC. Hugo Hugo Boss, available at
Hugo Boss in NYC. /се B, available at

WHERE
—— e

TO BUY

Flash in Miami. Iceberg,
available at Armoire in El
Paso, Texas. John Lobb,
212-888-9797. John Rich-
mond X, available at B8
Couture in NYC. Johnston
& Murphy, johnstonand
murphy.com. Just Cavalli,
available at Just Cavalli in
Los Angeles. Kapadia, avail-
able at Atrium in NYC.
Leonid Gurevich, 732-322-
1953. Puma, puma.com.
Soleil by Jean Paul Gaultier,
available at Galleria in Miami. Valentino,
available at Valentino boutiques. Vesti-
menta, available at Harry Rosen stores.

THE WHITE STUFF

Pages 110-111: Allison Burns Los Ange-
les, allisonburns.com. Birkenstock,
birkenstock.com. Borrelli, 212-644-9610.
Borsalino, 800-622-1911. Bottega Veneta,
bottegaveneta.com. Calvin Klein Collec-
tion, 877-256-7373. Claiborne, claiborne
„сот. Ferragamo, ferragamo.com. Geox,
geox.com. H Hilfiger, h-hilfiger.com. Jeep,
jeepwatches.com. Mezlan, available at
Avventura stores. Nivea for Men, avail-
able at drugstores nationwide. Phat Farm,
available at Phat Farm NYC. Robert Marc,
robertmarc.com. Skin Milk, available at
drugstores nationwide. Trafalgar, avail-
able at Bloomingdale's.

POTPOURRI

Pages 162-163: Casalnova, available at
fine liquor stores. Dyson, dyson.com.
Fantagraphics, fantagraphics.com. 50
Ways to Rock a Lighter, lightertricks.com.
Nannie's Naughty Nellies, nannies
naughtynellies.com. Octave, octave.com.
Playboy Store, playboystore.com. Rosa
Mexicano, rosamexicano.com. 3Gbikes,
3gbikes.com.

MAGNUM PHOTOS: P. 49 CORBIS, CUSTOM MEDICAL

PICTURES/COURTESY EVERETT COLLECTION, INC.

BIS (2), GETTY IMAGES. Р 51 GETTY IMAGES (3), PHOTO RESEARCHERS, Р 52 GETTY IMAGES; Р 57 OBUENA VISTA
COURTESY. Es
FILMMAGIC.COM, 62003 NEW LINE/COURTESY EVERETT COLLECTIO

TT COLLECTION, INC. STEPHEN. LOVEKIN/

SOLOARTISTS.COM/MATRIX, MAKEUP: WENDY DOYLE. STYLING. REBECCA BROUGH, PRODUCER: MARILYN GRABOWSKI.

131

PLAYBOY

when a suspect who is carrying has been
“a pain in the ass” during his arrest. “But
for us to suggest that we're going around
doing active enforcement with respect to
possession of marijuana—that just
doesn't happen.”

To Frechette the trend in Canada is
clear. And while careful to add that he
does not advocate it—though he does not
appear to oppose it—he is disinclined to
deny the obvious. Of a continuum be-
tween the extremes of outright prohibi
tion and blanket legalization, he says, "I
can tell you without equivocation what
direction the country is moving in, and
that's toward legalization. Now, are we
moving there in torturously slow steps?
Yes. You can dress it up all you want,
we're still moving in that direction. I
wouldn't be out manning the barricades
to legalize it, but I'm resigned to the fact.
I think it's going to happen, so let's inves-
tigate the downside and get on with life.”

Frechette's concerns are more practi-
cal and procedural than philosophical. He
asks how legalization will address the issue
of impaired driving, for example. And his
easygoing acceptance of the inevitable is
consistent with the official position of the
Canadian Association of Chiefs of Police.

But in no country on earth, not even in
Canada, will the practical, the procedural
or the philosophical ever outweigh politi-
cal concerns. Some Canadian legislators
oppose any step toward legalization, and
their panic is predictable. "The first effect
it will have," says Frechette, though he
suspects it will be only temporary, "is a very
deep chilling in Canada-U.S. relations."

Police initially exploited the Barrie bust
to support a dying bureaucratic and
political stance at the federal level in
Canada—a stance encouraged by those
same panicked legislators—which holds
that organized crime controls the mari-
juana industry. Alleging that as many as
85 percent of Canadians involved in
growing cannabis are members of crimi-
nal syndicates, police reports cite Asian
groups (chiefly Vietnamese) and outlaw

motorcycle gangs as the major players.

Indeed, both are involved in the trade.
And the Vietnamese grows, generating a
commercial product of a quality connois-
seurs look down on, tend to be dispropor-
tionately large. Equally disproportionate is
the number of arrests they generate, con-
sidering the small size of the Vietnamese
community.

Because criminal syndicates make for
easier targets, drawing police scrutiny
for a variety of felonies, and because
they cultivate on a major commercial
scale, such groups tend to drive head-
lines and skew statistics.

"Under present law it's a very attrac-
tive commodity for organized crime to
get into," says Frechette. "What did Pro-
hibition do other than make the Mob
tremendously wealthy?"

In Canada, then, pot may be a signifi-
cant source of revenue to organized
crime, but given the scope of the indus-
try as currently understood, organized
crime does not appear to be a particularly
significant source of pot.

"No more than 10 percent of growers
are affiliated with organized crime," says
Robert "Rosie" Rowbotham, former
managing director of High Times in Can-
ada, who covered the Barrie bust when
he was a producer for the CBC national
radio network. The alleged masterminds
behind the Barrie operation were not
gang-affiliated. At the same time, Row-
botham reported, neither was their oper-
ation typical of what he estimated to be
the 15,000 grows in Ontario.

“Nobody grows with this much atten-
tion on a large scale,” says a Toronto afi-
cionado introduced as Jeff.

A soft-spoken, short-haired, tattooed
man of 31, Jeff would make a fine candi-
date for what one seed breeder in British
Columbia calls Bud Fondlers Anony-
mous: "They're all about the grass," the
breeder explains.

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Jeff's apartment іп Toronto's East End,
most of which is given over to the 200
plants he cultivates—100 of which are
flowering at any one time—is akin to a
research facility. Everything is automated
and set on timers: temperature and hu-
midity controls, pH and electrical-current
meters and exhaust fans using the latest
in activated-charcoal filtration technol-
ogy. Every bit of horticultural data is
recorded, collected in detail and logged
in ring binders. His setup, a typical "small
urban grow" he works with a partner,
exemplifies those Canadian "microbud-
deries" dedicated less to commerce than
to advancing the quality of a plant that
Jeff and growers like him identify as
noble, their devotion to its properties
being almost religious.

"Sometimes I'll bring a lawn chair in
and watch them grow," he says. "You can
see them grow. You turn the fans off.
They're so competitive; you'll sce a leaf
just jump for space. They can grow an
inch a day."

Paying $80 a liter for food—he has a
closet full of nutrients—and using what is
known as the sea-of-green method, in
which each plant yields a single flower, Jeff
gets "about an ounce of bone-dry quality
bud" per plant, achieving a level of 20 per-
cent THC, marijuana's psychoactive com-
ponent. With "three lights flowering and
two lights veg," he averages a pound and
а half per light cach harvest cycle, and he
gets six harvests a year.

"We're more concerned with quality
than yield," he says, "but our yields are
pretty good. If I didn't deal with just the
compassion center or friends...? It goes
for $30 to $45 for three and a half.
grams. That's a very cheap price. You
can go buy Vietnamese garbage for the
same amount."

То supply the Toronto Compassion Cen-
ter with a portion of the pot necessary to
service its membership of 1,540 medical
users, Jeff charges $2,200 a pound for a
share of what he harvests, a product he can
sell to others for $3,200 to $4,000 a pound.

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134

“I supply the club with as much as I
can. I would like to sell them more,” he
says, "but my harvest is not that big. It
keeps me from having to work full-time
at another position and allows me to do
what I want, but I still need to supple-
ment my income a little bit."

“A large chunk of what goes across,” says
Gentleman Jim, who knows because he
moves it across, "comes from people run-
ning fewer than 20 lights." People across
the nation, from sea to shining sea: Cul-
tivation pays the rent for growers from

Vancouver Island to the Gulf of St.
Lawrence—an estimated 50,000 are con-
sidered commercial growers—and it is
making many citizens rich. But the real
payoff, as always in the contraband busi-
ness, is in transportation. And where
quality drives the product, turnover
drives the bottom line.

"He's got to be in Seattle," Gentleman
Jim says of the typical U.S. buyer. "We'd
rather take $2,700 to $2,900 in Seattle
than $3,200, maybe $3,600 in L.A. It goes
for $4,000 a pound wholesale in Vegas,
$4,500 in Atlanta." All it takes, he says, is
two good U.S. buyers to make a smuggler
rich. Right now his operation services

“What kind of party is it—blue state or red state?”

four. Nor does the partnership limit itself
to the product it buys and sells. “We also
carry other people's stuff. We charge
them $450 to $550 per unit for trans-
portation. There are 10 to 12 suppliers
up here using the service."

And very little interrupts the efficient
conduct of business. "We run under
orange alert," says Gentleman Jim, refer-
ring to the second-highest level of Home-
land Security's terrorist-threat conditions.
"Orange won't stop us. Only red alert will
ground our flights." Red alert grounds
everything but NORAD.

"I can't say my guy went drinking last
night and couldn't make the delivery,"
observes the Prez. "That's not an excuse.
Flying into a mountain is an excuse." Fly-
ing into a mountain is a good excuse.
Lifting off on a sunny day in Vancouver,
a pilot may encounter a blizzard any-
where en route. "The mountains have
their own weather," the Prez likes to
say, but he adds that even on a good
day a pilot pushes the odds. "On a heli-
copter at any one time there are 20,000
pieces trying to blow themselves apart."

"It's not for the faint of heart," says J.R.
"With wind through the canyons blowing
80 miles an hour, it's like hitting a wall.
Sometimes the turbulence is so bad it
pops the doors on the machine."

Flying in zero-zero weather—ceiling
zero, no visibility —and employing the
map-of-the-earth technique by which
combat pilots maneuver are skills shared
by all who fly for the organization. These
are specialized techniques you do not
pick up in flight school. It is not as
though they come with the license.

"We have a pilot training program,"
says Jim. It is not an apprenticeship
but a journeyman's course, and what
one learns is very specific: "Not to fly,
but to fly the new way. There's an art to
it," he says.

"You throw the rule book away. No
safety margin," says George, who has
been flying for five years and doing what
he calls "this kind of flying" for most of
that time. “I do it for the thrill as much
as anything," he says.

Anyone in the smuggling business will
tell you that pilots seem to take naturally
to the work, probably because they are
risk takers to begin with. But George
insists his balls are no bigger than those
of anyone else in the game. "I just
brought my share to the table," he says.

Flying the new way, George has fought
70-knot winds, run into blizzards and
hit 300-foot fog banks coming out of
the mountains. He remembers one trip
during which, hung up by the weather,
he found himself perched on a snow-
bank, about to drop tail-first down the
side of a cliff. His only option was—
immediately and almost suicidally—to
go vertical. Nose down, with the heli-
copter rotors skimming the snow, he
managed to avert disaster, save himself
and his co-pilot—not to mention the

load—and, if that were not miracle
enough, make it to the drop site. But he
arrived late.

“The ground guy was gone,” he says.

Circling the area, George spotted the
ground guy's truck, “chased him down
the highway” and made the delivery.

Asked if he has ever encountered one
of the helicopters that routinely fly the
border on antidrug and counterterrorism
patrols, George says no. Asked what he
thinks would happen Ша chase were to
ensue, he responds with a shrug that can
best be described as cavalier.

"If you fuel up last, you win."

“Seattle is the center of the universe,”
explains T., a Virginia supplier of B.C. bud.
“The distribution cells are set up there."

As often as not, he says, a 250-pound
shipment out of Canada will be destined
for a single buyer. The load will be deliv-
ered from the drop site to an incon-
spicuous house in suburban Seattle that
does not stand out from the others
around it; it might be one of two or
three houses a buyer uses. Things come
and go from this first location. A sec-
ond house, in the woods or mountains,
might be used to deal with the money—
which professionals keep separate from
the product. Both houses are removed
from the buyer's equally inconspicuous
home, where he and his family reside.

“They don't live like rock stars,” says T.
“The new look is all-natural, all-cotton,
hemp, a real vegan lifestyle. No guns."
Some players no doubt bury their money.
More typical is the distributor who is also
proprietor of some small entrepreneur-
ial company, a boutique operation in
which he can invest the cash and through
which he can launder it.

From the Seattle suburbs, the pot trav-
els to other parts of the country in ship-
ments of various sizes through a series of
increasingly smaller distributors, each of
whom adds $1,000 a pound to the price.
Before September 2001 they would just
hop on planes out of Seattle, carrying the
pot in suitcases, headed for places like
Aspen, Hawaii and Alaska.

“It’s going straight to Hawaii," says T.
"It's that much cheaper. Tourists think
they're buying Maui wowee—they're
buying B.C. bud. In Alaska they think
it's Matanuska."

Now, with stepped-up airport security,
rather than travel in 30-pound ship-
ments divided among suitcases, pot is
more likely to leave Seattle in five-pound
packages via Federal Express or mail.
The money is shipped back to the city
the same way.

"Everybody's making a grand on a
pound," says T. “Housewives, CPAs,
lawyers, white-collar workers, people
with nine-to-five jobs moving a couple
of pounds a week. It's the new white
lightning."

Sold by the ounce for $360 to $400, it
is worth more than its weight in gold.

When asked how much the operation
takes in, Gentleman Jim responds,
“$400,000 to $600,000."

Which does not quite answer the
question.

"Canadian," he adds.

An average of half a million dollars
Canadian. So around $400,000 U.S.

"A week."

There it is.

"After expenses."

Call it $20 million U.S. a year. One
operation.

At wholesale prices in Seattle, ship-
ment of two tons a week generates more
than half a billion dollars in annual

export revenue.

O Canada!

It is a clear, unseasonably bright day on a
golf course in Massachusetts. Two men,
10 years apart in age, are approaching
the sixth tee.

"Why don't we do that thing first," the
younger man, who is in his late 40s, says
after glancing down the fairway and find-
ing nothing in the way of a witness.

The other produces a small pipe and a
few grams of B.C. bud, which has recently
arrived from Canada. It was delivered with
a written warning from the U.S. supplier:
"Don't roll this.” Apparently the stuff is just
too powerful to be smoked in the quan-
шу required by a joint. The herb's ргоуе-
nance is a mystery; it could have been
grown in any one of those 50,000 com-
mercial operations north of the border. It
cost the U.S. supplier $3,600 a pound.

The pipe is lit, and each man takes а
couple of hits. The most discernible effect
on them will be evident later: The golf
game of each will improve.

"You've been writing about this stuff
for years," one of them is saying to me, as
if I need reminding. Bootleggers and
other troublemakers—I have a reputa-
tion for this kind of thing. "And you don't
even smoke the shit. What did those guys
in Vancouver think?"

"Telling people I don't smoke dope,"
I reply, "is like asking them to believe
that Damon Runyon didn't drink or
hang out at the track. But they get over
it after a while."

And then as the more invisible effects
of the weed take effect, the two men look
at me with what seems to be the same
question on their mind. One of them gives
it voice, and the question, as effectively as
anything, explicates B.C. bud's place in the
overall, if ever-shifting, scheme of things.

"Do you think if maybe you gave them

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(continued from page 70)
show got so repetitive that it took the
edge off doing it with women off the
show. It got associated with work in my
brain and kind of ruined it.”

She sighed and looked at her garden
again. “The weather is always beautiful
here,” she said. “I'm never in the sun,
though. Putting on oil and doing the
whole steak thing doesn't do it for me.”

She went on to say that she was born in
Tahiti to a Lakota medicine woman and a
European aristocrat. After they parted
ways, she moved with her dad to Switzer-
land and Spain, attending various board-
ing schools and learning to make her bed
in the morning, every morning, a habit
that has stuck. Discovered by photogra-
pher Bruce Weber in her teens, she even-
tually wound up in Hollywood, acting
opposite Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise.

"Brad is so cute,” she said. “I just love
that man. Tom is more serious, more like
a businessman maybe.” She once told an
interviewer that as a kisser Cruise rated
only a six on a scale of one to 10. Shortly
thereafter rumors began to circulate that
Cruise had blacklisted her in the business.
Until this day, however, Karina herself
had never heard those rumors.

“They say he did that?” she cried out.
"Oh, I hope not. That would be horrible!
Hmm. Actually, I did have a tough time
for a while." She thought about that
briefly and then about herself and her
recent departure from The L Word. "No
matter what I do I raise people's pas-
sions," she said. "Even if I'm in my trailer
counting beans, some people always go
off and have all these plans to destroy me.
It's strange. What can I say?"

A while later, almost out of the blue,
she said she liked her meat raw and that
three days ago, in fact, she'd eaten a raw
New York strip steak.

“People are like, ‘You're not going to eat
that, are you?’ And I'm like, ‘Watch me!’ I
cut it really thin, put on olive oil and ate
it. With raw, everything is just the way you
see it. Nothing is covered in sauce."

A few moments passed. "Actually, you
know what I just realized?" she went on.
“1 don't wear perfume, I rarely wear jew-
elry, I can't kiss ass, I'm very frank, very
honest. With me, what you see is what
you get. I know it hurts me. People tell
me to pretend this, pretend that, but I
don't want to pretend anything. So what
I realized is that I eat how I li: She
laughed and then said, "Yes, that's it."

the fall

(continued from page 116)
mother stays with your fucked-up father,
even not loving him, 30 years to realize
it's so. Yes, Jean-Jean, it's so for her as for
you, and she still can't shake him, just lies
down for him, bed of nails. Nothing can
stop you, I know. No, no, I know it's true,
Jean-Jean. No, no, I'm right, no use to
argue. It's misery you're courting, since
that's all you've known."

Jameson Irish whiskey speaking.

There in the forest, waiting for Timo-
thy to speak, she said to herself what she
had whispered back to Uncle Bud (who
had finally let her talk and listened unbe-
lieving): She loved Timothy and felt just
wonderful about him. And it was true.
She could hardly remember what they
argued about last night when she came
to bed, what they'd argued about this
morning (or ever, for that matter), and
wanted to be his wife.

Suddenly Timothy spoke. "It's hard to
imagine," he said. “Hard to think of our-
selves like 50 years old, like Uncle Bud,
huh, isn't it? That thing could hap-
pen? I mean, what if it’s just a kind of joke
they play on younger people, just to make
‘em feel bad, right? Like, they know god-
damn well we're always going to be just
like this, more or less like this. 1 mean,
there are young people, which is one
unchanging species, and there are old
people, which is another, and the old-
people species has as a kind of group joke
that they pretend it's all one-in-the-same
species—that we young ones are on a long
trip that leads to their sorry-as d

Jean laughed for him and h
and that melted Jean, that smile. She
looked in his eyes and said, "But, Herr
Doktor, I distinctly remember being
younger. I'm not sure you've included ай
the evidence here." Tw
had this whole kind of private vaudeville
act together; she played graduate stude:
and he played crazy, brilliant profess

“Well, right, but we're the kind that
goes from zero to about 26 and just hov-
ers there, always 26, like someone in a
book—always the same age every time
you read it. We're the somewhere-under-
26-always species.”

"What about a book where the ch;
ters grow old and di

"Written by the old: serving tripe!
What on earth garbage have you been
reading?"

He shuffled through the side pocket of
his pack and pulled out his Baggie of pot
and rolled the tightest, most slender, most
parsimonious, most perfectly cylindrical
joint and lit it, and they had two tiny hard-
sucked puffs of powerful pot each.

Jean said, “So we're the species that gets
only so old. So I'll get to catch up to you,
yes?” She was three months younger than
‘Timothy. No one was in the woods, so Jean
(in love) put her ear on Timothy's chest
to listen to his heart, and he leaned back

against the rock and talked while she un-
did his blue jeans just partly, just enough
to get her hand in and hold him, hold his
dumb, dependable penis, which rose ten-
derly to greet her grip. This she liked. And
he liked it too and tucked a hand in the
back of her blue jeans and kind of hefted
her on top of him for a long kiss, and on
the moss there on the side of the faint trail
they got their pants down, and under-
pants gradually, and wriggled to get his
Jacket on the rock beneath them without
even taking their hiking boots off and had
a very brief fuck (as he liked to call it—she
didn't mind so much anymore) and a
very lot ofkissing, which showed he was in
а good mood too, a very lot of kissing, as
when they first met and would make love
in her grad suite and
she couldn't orgasm
at all, he made her
so nervous. Here
she surprised her-
self, coming (his
word too) quickly,
if not too hard, to
his fingers. Some-
thing about the for-
est made it easy and
different.
"You are a glacial
c," he said.
That is an in-
sult, Doktor,” she
said, quite pleased
that he'd been lis-
tening earlier, just
saving it up.
They cleaned
themselves up some
with napkins and
pulled up their
pants and hefted
their packs. Hers
did not feel partic-
ularly lighter.
"Timothy kept talk-
ing, named each
bird and tree as they
continued the hike.
He knew so much—
ash tree, birch poly-
pore (a familiar
bulging fungus on a
dead paper birch), this warbler and that
one, all the little plants everywhere. Jean
cared more about the declension of verbs.
"That was her thing, and next year she'd go
to Italy, required second year abroad, fin-
ish off her master's program back at Dart-
mouth, and then maybe they'd get
married. Timothy would have a job by
then, you'd think. For now, she liked him
as nature boy—snowboarder, brain, not
altogether clumsy lover, silent as a stump.
She felt great. "You are a glacial neu-

nh
|
H
|
|
H

Timothy rewarded her with a hearty
laugh. This was one of those jokes they'd
keep going for the weekend and that for
years to come would tag this hike in their
memories. She laughed, feeling light sud-

denly; the pack was as nothing on her
back. They could stop fairly early—no
rush. Perfect weather, get a really great
camp set up, set up that little stove, make
spaghetti with the red sauce Timothy car-
ried in a jar for a special first-night din-
ner only. She'd had stomachaches over
the camping part for two weeks but now
felt free of every anxiety. They had great
equipment and great food and Uncle
Bud's advice, which was famously good if
not perfectly sober. ("Your mother told
me last phone call that your father has
never once said he loved her. Never

once.") Well, Timothy's family was worse:

aggressive teetotalers and potheads.
"They broke out of the trees suddenly in

a dry-pond meadow (Timothy called it)

T NEWSSTANDS NOW

and were in sight of the bald blade of the
famous ridge that hunkered just beneath
the famous mountain peak, and the view
of it all was just—it was just spettacolare. She
said the word with exaggerated accents
and giggled (the marijuana), and Timothy
giggled with her and they walked side by
side, holding hands. The trail tightened
then, so Jean dropped behind him, and
they marched on duckboards thought-
fully placed through a mossy bog. "Thuja
occidentalis," Timothy called back, and
these words were as beautiful to Jean as
the trees they described, big white cedars
curving up from hummocks and snags.
The bog resolved into a pond—a Беауег
flowage, as Timothy called it—no
beavers in sight, and at the deeper end

they stopped on another flat rock and
soaked up sun and, very hot from the hik-
ing, stripped down and had a swim. Then
they kissed and petted nicely—cold, fishy
gooseflesh skins pressed together. She
climbed up on the next rock naked and
he leaned against it, and it was hot in the
sun. He licked her legs, not altogether se-
riously. He licked her legs, then he
licked her (she didn't like to say it, the
word he always used), and she had a big-
ger orgasm this time and said so, using his
word, which made him grin and go cocky.
And then he climbed up and fucked her
hard on the rock, an uncomfortable
performance. Her neck was bent back.
He was too rough sometimes, but she
could let that go. He stopped thinking of
her, stopped think-
ing altogether. You
traded one thing
for another. (Chick,
her last boyfriend,
was tender and
very slow, but he
couldn't kiss.) And
it wasn't long,
| in any case. She
would have to re-
member to take her
pill each day of the
hike, and she won-
dered if she'd get a
rash from the sleep-
ing bag, as at Girl
Scouts, and thought
of Mimi Stevens,
her counselor, the
witch, and of the
particular way the

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Add 53 50 shipping and handing logs of cabin 12
fenders 44 58 als a. came together. And
(Canadian orders accepted) Timothy grunted
and squirted (as she
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Ua eode M057) or and that was that,
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up through several
layers to him and
kissed him awhile,
but he didn't want
to kiss too much.
"Better get mov-
ing," he said.

*] love you," she sai

He spanked her bottom and said, “
love me."

"They had a quick swim and she rinsed
him off her and they dressed
side. Her socks felt wet and her
too and her underpants, everything a lit-
tle damp from the earl veat and now
the swim, but it was a hot afternoon and
beautiful in Maine, and there was plenty
of time to get to the camping place
Uncle Bud had told them about. She
should be glad. She knew what it was—
the pot. Also the orgasming (why
shouldn't it be a verb?), which some-
times let you down. And now she felt a
little swollen and uncomfortable down

0752

You

there, walking. Twice in three miles of 137

PLAYBOY

hiking! Well, that was love. And there
were worse ways to be sore.

She followed Timothy up the very
steep path, which was nothing but a field
of rocks. His butt was cute, that was for
sure. “You're just plain erratic,” she
called lightly to no response.

They came to the beginning of the open
granite ridge—what a view. The stoned
feeling from earlier had settled into some-
thing of a headache. The sun hurt her
eyes. Something in her belly ached.

“One hour,” Timothy said.

“That's ай?”

“That's what Drunkel Bud said. One
hour from the cairn.” He pointed up the
hard stone slope to their left.

She hadn't noticed the massive cairn.
And he was competing with her, that
condescending tone: He'd seen the
cairn, she hadn't. He'd win only if he
could annoy her, though. And she didn't
feel all that bugged. Her pack felt like
nothing, actually, nothing at all. She
thought about how to cook the dinner,
how good that would be, their neat little
gas-bottle stove, precious folding pans.
And here they were, already on Papawis-
set Ridge, which was dramatic.

To the right the granite sloped sharply
20 or 30 feet to the sudden cliff edge.
Ahead the ridge curved a little so you
could see the long face of the fall. The
impression was that you were walking the
shoulder of a steep cathedral roof cov-
ered with stones. The sunlight fell into
the canyon below, lit the spruces climb-
ing the other side. Jean panted—this was
what breathtaking meant. The trail had
been carved out of plain rock. “WPA,”
Uncle Bud had said fondly.

"Welfare," Timothy had snorted. Why
did he have to call him Drunkel? Why
especially that name, which she had twice
told Timothy annoyed her. It's what her
father called Bud, who was a very kind
and calm and gentle soul, really, her
mother's only brother, a sweet, soulful
man who'd built his own eccentric, amaz-
ing house and lost his wife to cancer. Why
shouldn't he drink?

Timothy got walking faster, the way
he did when excited by a competition—
they were almost to tonight's campsite,
and he'd be first. Just along this roof of
granite, then back into the woods. The
camping spot was on a bigger pond than
the first one back there and just under the
mountain proper. Uncle Bud said it was
the nicest spot in all of Maine. She and
Timothy would have an easy morning
there tomorrow, swimming or whatever,
then onward up the mountain, then a few
days on the Appalachian Trail, then the
Fire Warden's Trail down from Bigelow
Mountain and back to the car: seven days.
Ahead the trail became even narrower,
just a kind of shelf carved in the rock,
strewn with loose stones from above.

Timothy hurried faster. “Hey,” Jean
said. She wanted a kiss from him right

138 now on this precarious place. She said

hey, and he didn't hear. A kiss just to slow
him down. He was almost jogging, and
later if she nagged him about it, he'd
frankly love the attention and crow and
mock her. She slowed. Walked at her own
pace. Breathed at her own pace. Enjoyed
the view up to the mountain, the view
down into the gorge beside them.

Far ahead Timothy slipped. His flying
foot hit a nothing of a rock, which slid
under him, and he dropped to one knee.
He reached for a handhold on the path,
missed, went down on his shoulder,
couldn't quite catch himself, continued to
slide in gravel. It was all so slow. He put the
other hand out, grabbed a large stone that
was sliding too, tried to turn, awkward
under the weight of his pack. He couldn't
get around to sitting, so he dropped down
on all fours, visibly putting the brakes on.
But all the rocks large and small around
him were moving now, a slow, gentle slide
with Timothy a part of it. He dug the toes
of his boots in, gripped the solid granite of
the ridge with his fingernails.

But he just kept sliding. Jean trotted,
then raced to get to him—there was a
length of rope on the side of her pack, and

With everything around
him moving he slid to the
edge of the drop. Rocks
flew off the cliff into the shy
below his feet. His boots
hung over, then his knees....

she reached back for it as she ran. But
Timothy and the rock slide picked up
speed as she did. He didn't shout, didn't
cry out, didn't say a thing, just looked back
at her, a profound look, grabbing at the
rocks around him, starting everything he
touched to movement. And with every-
thing around him he slid to the edge of
the drop. Rocks flew off the cliff into the
sky below his feet. His boots hung over,
then his knees. He bent at the hips, legs
dangling, still slowly sliding. Jean threw
the rope perfectly. But the overweight
pack pressed Timothy down, restricted his
reach. He missed the rope end, missed it
again, arms flailing. Then with a sharp cry
he went over the edge. The rumble of
rocks continued briefly; then everything
stopped and there was silence.

The argument that morning had been
about her cell phone. She'd promised she
wouldn't use it to call friends; it would be
for an emergency only. He had won—
one entered the wild on wild terms—and
she had left the phone behind in their
sweet little room at Uncle Bud's. So her
first thought got her nowhere. Her sec-
ond thought was to scoot on her butt
down the incline to the cliff edge, get a

look. But that would be stupid and
impossible: She'd go over too.

"Timothy!" she called to echoing
silence. "Timothy!" Nothing.

She stripped out of her pack, left it at
the exact spot he'd stumbled. There were
no noticeable marks from his plight. So
many loose rocks: New ones had simply
replaced those that had slid and then
fallen with Timothy.

Jean ran. She was an excellent runner
and sprinted ahead smartly, mindful of the
loose rock. From the end of the curve,
from right where the path descended back
into forest below the mountain, she looked
back. The cliff wall was dark. The odd tree
grew up from the odd ledge. The whole
fell into a field of boulders. Trees at the
bottom of that and a million smaller rocks.
And somewhere Timothy, though there
was nothing of him to be seen at such a dis-
tance. She raced back to the spot marked
only by her pack. All was quiet. Warm.
breezes. Dulcet day. Perfection. Jean per-
spired, felt that edge of a headache from
the pot, no buzz, felt a cramp in her womb
from making love. She kept having the
urge to turn and ask Timothy what to do.

Be calm, she told herself. Make a plan.

She could run back to the truck. They'd
been four hours to this point—but all
uphill and with two long stops. She could
run it in an hour maybe. But the truck
offered nothing but a two-hour drive on
rutted logging roads to where? To that gas
station? So three hours. Second option
was to go back along the ridge to where
it first started, leave the trail, head down
into the gorge, try to walk down below the
cliff, keep it in sight. That could take three
hours too, but at least Timothy would
have her help at his side. He was down
there, probably okay, maybe landed cush-
ioned by the pack, just so, broken bones
not deadly. Feetfirst he'd gone—his head
would be fine, though any bleeding any-
where would be dangerous. She didn't let
herself think he was dead.

The truck was best; outside help was
best. She hefted her pack, deciding she
needed it (water, food, dry clothes, first
aid), kicked some stones into a pile to
mark the spot for any rescuers, took the
pack off, built a proper cairn of 10 large
stones to mark the spot for any possible
helicopter, only then shrugged back into
her pack and ran, buckling the hip strap
even as she flew—ran fast, then faster,
clear to where the ridge ended in loose
rocks, down into the forest, retracing their
path, before she remembered that Timo-
thy had the keys to Uncle Bud's old truck.

She stopped, moaned. She spoke Tim-
othy's name. She would save him. She
turned back, ran hard. Where the old
trail pegged upward mounting the ridge
she broke into the woods and headed
down. Quickly the cliff established itself,
grew higher, then formidable, a sheer
rock face, but with so many boulders at
the bottom that it wasn't that high a fall,
not really. But it grew higher quickly.

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140

After halfan hour, breathing hard, Jean
had no idea how far she'd traveled,
thought she must be near. She could not
have missed him. She kept to the bottom
of the scree, looking up and down con-
stantly—his pack was brilliant crimson—
trotted along a faint path maybe made by
animals. Below her a stream tumbled, so
she'd be able to wash his wounds even if
their water ran out. That joke about car-
rying him? She couldn't carry him. She
could stabilize him, do whatever was nec-
essary, make him comfortable, put the tent
up around him, cover him in their sleep-
ing bags and all their clothes, be to the
truck by nightfall with the keys. By now the
cliff was deadly high. She prepared herself
in case he was hurt badly. Tourniquets
could be dangerous, she recalled. Splints
could be made with sticks. Underwear,
hers, his, could be used for bandage:

She came to a geological fault that ran
the width of the narrowing canyon, creat-

ing a sharp drop, nothing compared with
the cliff at her left hand but a good 12
feet at first guess and sheer. How could
she climb it to come back this way and get
to the truck? Maybe use the rope, tie it to
that tree, but then she wouldn't have
rope for later, and who knew? Wasn't
there some knot you could tie and then
free with a twitch once you were down?
Timothy would know. If he could only
have caught the rope when she threw it
so well. The stream had to make the drop
too, and the roar of the little waterfall
invaded her thoughts, made them
urgent. She breathed, took off her pack,
dropped it down there just so, exactly
right, where she could land on it to break
her fall. The pack took a foot or more off
the height of the fall, too. Still it was a
long way down, 20 feet at second guess.
The rope was down there on the pack.
Oh! She could have tied the rope to the
tree, climbed down using it, then simply

"Don't hold dinner for me, dear."

cut it with her Swiss Army knife, just left
the remainder behind, keeping plenty.
All this in Timothy's voice, carping, as she
lay down in the dirt and loose rock and
scooted herself over the edge of the drop-
off till she was hanging by her finger-
tips, barely gripping a fragrant spruce
root. She hung a long minute, without
the arm strength to pull herself back up
in any case, and finally got the nerve and
dropped. She hit the pack hard with her
feet and fell backward into loose rock.

But she was fine. She was really totally
fine. Her butt wasn't even bruised. That
she was sore was from before. The cut on
her hand was nothing. He'd fallen feet-
first too, so there was at least some chance
he was only slightly hurt.

The canyon fell deeper, darker, the
stream louder and louder and closer, the
scree pile looser, her footing more inse-
cure. Jean forced herself to walk—what
else was there to do? She picked her steps
carefully, watched her feet intently,
stepped on his hand.

Timothy was sitting up straight, that
famous posture, his shoulders pulled
back by the straps of his pack, head back
too, legs buried in the rocks that had
accompanied him, hips twisted more
than perpendicular to his shoulders. Jean
didn't have any moment at all of think-
ing he was alive or needing to check his
breath or heartbeat: He was dead

High up the canyon wall she saw the
last sunlight climbing, orange. It would be
night very soon. The stream roared and
echoed in the canyon. Timothy smelled
like defecation. But the spruce smell and
the oxygenated stream smell were strong
too, and a breeze moderated the stench.
It wasn't like she was going to eat. She sat
along while in perfect calm, perfect accep-
tance, which was not entirely like her and
which she tranquilly thought must be
shock. In a w: ier that he was
not in need of firs simply sat and
thought, long elegant lines of thought
with no bearing on the emergenc
remembered meeting Timothy at her
brother's best friend's wedding. Horren-
us blue tuxedos, all of them. She and
nothy made love st
ext three weeks, till he had to go back
nternship at Goldman Sachs, which
august corporation would give him a job
once his MBA was in hand. Things she
was ambivalent about: investment bankers
(Professor Della 5 Шей them blood-
suckers ent, and ricalla-
tori, г (Timothy’s

‚ New Jer k
Uncle Bud his шш | of that р
one of
own broth:

And her brother, come to think of it,
was exactly like their father, as was Tim-
othy, when you thought about it, from
banking to suburbia to his chilly reserve.
Why was she with him? "You are beauti-
ful," Uncle Bud had whispered. "You are
capable. Does he make you feel either?

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PLAYBOY

142

What can I do to convince you?”

She didn't touch the corpse. The sun-
light climbed out of the canyon and was
gone. The stream grew louder, comfort-
ing in a way, but hiding who knew what
scary noises. A lone bird sang briefly,
good night. And then it was dark and
darker. And chilly, then cold. Jean dug in
her pack, found her flashlight, pulled her
sleeping bag out awkwardly, unfurled it
from its stuff bag. Such a good sleeping
bag, old gift from Uncle Bud, bright blue.
She got herself in there, moved more
rocks, leaned back as if to sleep. But
despite all, she was hungry.

The bulk of the food was in Timothy's
pack, as was the little gas stove. In her
pack were useless things like couscous
and expensive freeze-dried chicken divan
in foil packets. Oh, but gorp—there was
a one-quart Baggie of gorp—and this she
ate in little absent increments till it was
gone. And she drank water from her
metal bottle. And felt she could sleep
some, get through the night somehow. If
Timothy weren't such a show-off and
always in such a heat to win, they'd be
camping right now. Or if they'd left the
first pond just one second earlier or later:
They’d be camping. Thoughts of the
camping place, which she'd been pictur-
ing for two months, brought her to Uncle
Bud, that idiot, sending them into dan-
ger and Timothy to...this.

Then again, the whole backpacking trip
was her idea, her own, and she'd fought
for it over going to Timothy's horrendous
family reunion on the Cape—and that
bunch, oh, that bunch would blame her
squarely, squarely. Every happy thought
she'd ever had of marrying Timothy these
two years had foundered on the image of
that screwed-up family. She sat and

thought the same moody thoughts as
always about Timothy, added these to
Uncle Bud's observations of last night.

All moot now.

The stream down there was loud, luck-
ily loud. She was spared the gurglings
and belches of the dead, sounds she knew
well from working at the veterinary hos-
pital every summer through high school,
back when she was going with Bruce,
who was no Timothy but sweet and talk-
ative and a listener—funny you could
ever miss Bruce. Timothy did not twitch,
did not jump; all that was over.

Jean woke with a start, kicked her feet
out and sent rocks tumbling, sat up,
reached for Timothy's hand, found it,
so cold—and, worse, stiff. She let it go
with a shudder—it was not in his posses-
sion any longer; it was not his, or him,
but a disgusting object.

Oh, God. She wanted to feel his spirit
was with her, but she was profoundly
alone, hard stars above, no known con-
stellation, just the hard line of the killer
cliff and across the narrow gorge the
jagged line of the tops of fir trees. She lis-
tened to the stream a long time with
deliberate concentration.

How could Timothy be so clumsy?

How could he be so stupid?

She woke to the stream sound. High
above, a group of stars was familiar but
unnamed. Funny, but she could relax.
She'd been so unfair! He wasn't to blame—
the trail was unsafe. He was hurrying for
her—he knew how much she wanted to be
at the campsite, be set up in their tent, be
eating, cooking. He was so good. Such a
good person. She would marry him
despite all. Best if Mountain Rescue found
them together here. She'd never leave his
side. She'd sit here through the days it

“Гт sorry, Mrs. Myers—there's been an
unforeseen complication.”

took to starve, and in a few weeks Uncle
Bud would look up from his Jameson and
remember where his old truck was and call
the family, who'd call the police, who'd call
the rangers, who'd come out looking and
certainly find the truck (probably they'd
already be well aware of the truck and
wondering about it), find the truck and fol-
low the trail clear to the campsite on the
beaver pond—no sign of Timothy and
Jean. Perhaps the scrap of the cairn she'd
built would alert them. She should have
written a note—how stupid—several hik-
ers a day must pass. But no. Perhaps after
days of futile searching, the youngest
member of the ranger team, the most
insecure, would notice the cairn, the
plight of rocks, and they'd all be led to
the tragedy—broken Timothy and his
girl, starved at his side, his bride in death.
Oh she loved him! And she reached to
touch his hair, which felt lovely, soft and
fine as always, and accepted his condi-
tion, which would be hers soon enough.

But not soon enough. She should write
a note in the morning and cut her wrists
to be his bride. She'd be his bride by his
side in death, the endless night.

She woke to daylight next, birdsong.
The stream, too. She blinked and stretched
and was surprised they'd slept under the
stars, then sat up and remembered. She
wriggled out of her bag, walked demurely
out of Timothy's sight, peed behind a boul-
der, clambered back, had a long look at
him. His face was no longer his. His fin-
gernails were all broken from trying to
stop his slide. She worked to get his pack
off him, struggled with the resistant arms.
His upper body was simply loose on his
hips. Oh, Timothy! She found the loaf of
raisin bread he'd allowed, crackers, block
of cheese, chocolate, found his compass,
retrieved the little stove just in case, their
little tent, his hunting knife, the keys to
Uncle Bud's truck (in Timothy's moist
front pants pocket), stuffed all this in her
own pack, stuffed her sleeping bag in its
sack, tied it carelessly to the pack frame,
pulled the pack on, balanced step by step
and rock to rock and got out of there,
quickly backtracking upstream and all
the way to the drop-off by the waterfall.

She tied their rope to her pack so she
could pull her belongings up if she made
it, attempted a hopeless free climb with the
rope in her mouth, fell four times, not
even close. So she tied the free end of the
rope to an oblong rock, tried to toss it over
the one practical branch of the high spruce
up there—impossible. She stacked rocks to
make a climbing platform—exhausting.
After an hour she had a solid block of stone
to climb only a few feet high. To get all the
way up the drop like that would take days
and days and all her strength.

She gave up, made her way back to Tim-
othy. She'd had what he would call a para-
noid thought. Digging in his shirt pocket,
she found his Baggie of pot. Fast she emp-
tied the powdery, potent stuff to the wind,
stuck the Baggie under a large rock, threw

his rolling papers into the stream. She felt
in a rush of horror that she was abandon-
ing him, so she sat awhile beside him.

Unbidden thoughts: There were other
boys. She'd be something of a tragic hero-
ine, very attractive in that way. She'd be
wary of love, magnetic in that way. She
stood, pulled on her pack, made her way
carefully through the loose rocks he'd
brought down with him, rehearsing the
story she'd tell and basking in the sympa-
thy and wonder she'd receive. Sinful, dis-
gusting thoughts. She shut them off. She
tried to pray for Timothy but hadn't
prayed or been to church since she was 10.
Her last confession (to Father Mark, a
saint) was about stealing Barbie accessories.
Timothy! So impatient and disdainful. Just
as Uncle Bud had said: He was her dad.
There were other kinds of men. Start with
Uncle Bud. Subtract the tragedy of him
and the drinking. That beautiful house
he'd built! Timothy called ita shack. Think
of all the men she hadn't met!

Sinful thoughts, disgusting.

And now flashes of yesterday's sex
assaulted her, and Timothy's fall, too, the
way his fingernails du; x and fall
somehow equally unple: ven horri-
She stepped faster, picking her foot-
rambled down the scree, got to the
ат, drank from it—the hell with giar-
dia and all microbes forever—drank
deeply, washed her face, struggled to stand
under the weight of her pack and the
growing feeling that this was all her fault.

Had she slept even two hours last night?

She headed downstream. By the time
the sun got into the canyon an hour had
She'd find help. The stream would
a road. She'd find help and they'd
Timothy and she would be some-
thing of a tragic heroine, and perhaps
even Professore Frederico Della Sesso
would see this new thing in her eyes, the
deep sadness and horror in her eyes, and
take her seriously as he had not, take her
in his arms there in the oaken doorway
of his dust mote and sunbeam and book-
shelf-filled office. Sinful thoughts. She

she was out of the canyon, and the forest
had opened somewhat. But then the
stream widened at a flat place and became
a bog. Jean slogged her way halfway
around to where it became a pond, looked
out over the water and was at last over-
come. She tugged her pack off, threw it
down violently, threw herself on the
ground after it, wailed and wept, clutched

the mossy duff. Then came a vision, as if

from above, of herself in this position,
the dirt of the forest sticking to her tear-
stained cheeks, herself spread out on the
ground in grief and remorse and horror.
‘The rangers would listen attentively to her
when she finally found them. They'd be
older guys and have the bluest eyes, both
of them. She could have a new man now.

Sinful thoughts. She cried more, at her
own shallowness, felt a wave of love for
Timothy, felt in the same wave that she

had come back to her true self (“You are
not yourself,” Timothy would say when
she was upset with him). But what if the
true self she'd always known was false?
Jean stood, crossed her arms over her
chest, grasped her ribs in confusion—and
started walking. She'd go back to him.
Only as an afterthought did she even
return in a moment for her pack, put it on
slowly, aware but uncaring that it was open
and things were falling out of it. She
walked very slowly, deep thoughts of Tim-
othy—his humor, for example—a certain
joke (“All your intelligence is in your
brains, Jeanie”), his tricky smile. She was
starved. She stopped at a sunny rock,
pulled out crackers and their block of
cheddar cheese (these had been on his
back!), ate feverishly, found their bag of
baby carrots (on his back!), gobbled them
all, a pound of them, sucked at her water
bottle, then found their large chocolate bar
(had fallen with him!), ate half of it.
There'd be raisin bread for later. Uncle
Bud had offered it, and though Timothy
said no, too heavy, she'd accepted the small
gift. She lay back on the rock in tears.

When she woke, her mission was pure
again: Get help. She retraced her steps
around the bog to where she'd thrown
the pack down, picked up her sleeping
bag, her wadi kers, four pairs of
tiny blue pant ll neatly folded, the
keys to Uncle Bud's truck. What had
she been thinking?

She carried on, climbing to higher
ground, made her way around the bog
till she saw the beaver dam and climbed
down to rejoin the stream, which was
three times wider than in the gorge. She
walked fast, then faster, fairly jogged,
ng loud, then louder, “My Favorite
creamed it out as she ran
among trees in the old forest, leaped boul-
ders, pushed aside underbrush, downhill,
singing as hard as she could to stop her
thoughts of Dr. Della Sesso, which had
grown pernicious. Frederico. His gaze
had always lingered on her eyes. Now
he'd find her so dolorosa, so tragica.

Now the stream fell through a steep
glade, quite straight for hundreds of
yards. But just before it turned and
flowed out of sight, promising nothing
but more hard bushwhacking, Jean could
just discern a hard horizontal painted
red: a bridge. She made her way down to
the road—narrow, nicely graded gravel—
and simply lay down, flopped down, pack
and all, lay there frozen by her thoughts,
exhausted. In an hour a father and
young son, tenters from Quebec on their
way from their campsite to the grocery
store in Farmington, stopped their Sub-
aru and leaped out to her aid. She heard
their mild French-Canadian accents so
clearly—so different from Parisian
French—heard them clearly as they
leaned over her, asking one another what
had happened here.

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OWEN WILSON |a from page 60

Pm terrified of crazy women. And demented children
with English accents, like Damien in The Omen.

but the truth is that practically every seri-
ous girlfriend Гуе ever had has pretty
much messed around completely or close
to it on the first date. And that seems to
hold true for most of my friends, too.
PLAYBOY: Are you the kind of guy who
calls the next day?

WILSON: 1 do call. Just to be nice, you
Know, to be a gentleman. And also to make
sure I don't have a Blanche DuBois on my
hands. I'm terrified of crazy women. And
demented little children with English
accents, like Damien in The Omen.
PLAYBOY: Do you feel you have to be care-
ful that some woman doesn't spill all
kinds of intimate stories about you on the
Internet?

WILSON: I can't even think about that. It
would really inhibit me. 1 don't Google
myself, so I'm not aware of it. But I know
they say a lot of stuff on the Net, and you
can find it quickly. I try not to worry
about it when I'm with a girl. I just
deliver my usual lackluster performance
and let the chips fall where they may.
PLAYBOY: Your longest relationship was
with Sheryl Crow. Did the fact that you're
both celebrities have something to do
with its ending?

WILSON: Going out with someone who's
doing the same thing as you, who's in the
public eye, can be a problem. You don't
want to have competing agendas, like,
"Whose itinerary are we going to follow?"
And you want a break when you come
home. You don't want someone with the
same issues as you maybe reminding you
of stuff you don't like in yourself, a need
for public recognition or a need to be
popular. That being said, 1 don't think
being in the spotlight had anything to do
with me and Sheryl not working out. The
story of our relationship is the same story
I've had with most of my relationships.
PLAYBOY: Which is?

WILSON: I was lucky enough to find a
great girl, and because of my lack of, I
don't know what you call it, maybe focus,
the relationship went south. The com-
plaints of my girlfriends sound a lot like
the comments I used to get from teach-
ers: "Owen is lacking in seriousness. He's
not working up to his potential." It's what
they used to write on all my report cards.
One girl, after we broke up, gave me a
watch for my birthday with a card that
read, "I hope this helps with your timing
so you don't miss the boat on your next
relationship." And aside from it being
kind of funny, it's probably true. I have
missed the boat a lot with relationships.
But the great thing is, more boats keep
coming over the horizon. And Гуе got to

144 tell you, some of these boats look pretty

good. To be honest, I also thought,
Maybe I should've given this girl more
credit because I never thought she had
that good of a sense of humor.

PLAYBOY: In Wedding Crashers you and
Vince Vaughn play a couple of lugs who
go to weddings to pick up girls. Would
that really work?

WILSON: I have to say, I haven't been to
a lot of weddings, but at the ones I have
gone to it's been like fishing with dyna-
mite. Maybe it's something about girls
seeing another girl get married, like
they want to get it while the getting's
good, so to speak. Weddings are sort of
like little New Year's Eves—the normal
rules don't apply.

PLAYBOY: Do you stay friends with your
exes?

WILSON: You try to, sure. The one who
gave me the watch is actually married
now, to some Academy Award winner.
That's kind of an interesting phenome-
non—my exes always seem to land on
their feet. They always trade up. I should
probably use that as a pickup line—
"Look, it's not going to last very long with
me, but the next guy you end up with
will be great!"

PLAYBOY: Whom would we be surprised to
hear you find extremely sexy?

WILSON: Former Texas governor Ann
Richards. I think she's great. Maybe sexy
isn't the word. For sexy I always think
Raquel Welch. But Ann Richards is an
extremely attractive woman. A handsome
woman, as they say sometimes. She has
a great face, a great look. Her voice and
her attitude are representative of the best
kind of Texas woman.

PLAYBOY: How about on-screen females?
Do you ever get jealous of your brother
Luke, who has been paired with Drew
Barrymore, Cameron Diaz and Kate
Hudson, while you keep getting Ben
Stiller?

WILSON: Now hold it a second before you
knock me for always winding up with
Ben. People magazine picked him as one
of the most beautiful men on earth. So
Гт not exactly getting shut out here.
Ben has some of the most piercing green
eyes you'd ever want to see. Actually, I'm
not 100 percent sure of the color. Maybe
blue? Whatever they are, they're
extremely piercing. Almost haunting.
PLAYBOY: There's a photograph on the
nearby wall of you and George Bush Sr.
What's the story behind that?

WILSON: That's from Armageddon. Bruce
Willis was friends with him, so he came
down to the set. Bruce, by the way, is one
of the best people I've worked with. He
couldn't have been a nicer guy to all of us

in the cast, a good example of how just
because you're a huge movie star—and a
Republican, for that matter—it doesn't
mean you can't be a cool guy. He's some-
body who handles his fame in a pretty
relaxed way. I like that picture because
I'm just sitting there eating, and the мау
George Sr. is walking over, it looks like he
asked to have his picture taken with me.
PLAYBOY: Did you know Bill Clinton?
WILSON: Гуе gotten the chance to hang
out with him a few times. There's some-
thing really likable about the guy. He's
one of these off-the-chart-IQ guys who
can talk about any subject, and that
makes him sort of the perfect dinner
guest, even if he'd never been presi-
dent. He's kind of like a human juke-
box. You put in a buck and pick your
subject—like the Mossad or Sherman's
March or chicken-fried steak—then sit
back and listen to him blow you away
with some shit you never knew about.
"The only knock you could make on the
guy is that a subject might come up—
say, Mark Twain—when you say, "Gee,
1 сап contribute a little something on
this one," and Clinton isn't necessarily
going to give you an opening to make
your little contribution. But so what. He
was the president of the United States.
Let him hold court.

PLAYBOY: You're a big Elvis fan. How well
do you feel the King dealt with his post-
glory years?

WILSON: I've thought a lot about that.
There's a picture of Elvis in the middle
of a Memphis highway right before he
died. He looks insane because everyone
else is sporting flattops and normal
clothes and he's wearing a long black
leather jacket, standing in the middle of
the road. He stopped because he saw a
car accident, and he's trying to tell peo-
ple what to do. Just from that picture,
you get it. It's hilarious but also kind of
sad because he wants so much to help, to
try to do something. You see that same
quality in the photo of him with Nixon—
he's completely loaded, and Nixon's mak-
ing him an honorary DEA agent. You see
he's a freak but not a Michael Jackson
kind of freak. You know, Elvis wanted to
have a contract put out on Mike Stone,
the karate instructor who was screwing
his wife. But when his boys got back to
him later and said, "Well, we found him,
and we found someone who can do it,"
Elvis reconsidered. He decided against it.
"There was a kind of decency there, even
at the end.

PLAYBOY: Some would say you've had a
pretty amazing run yourself. Do you ever
think about how you'd handle it if every-
thing got taken away?

WILSON: Well, hopefully I'd be okay. It
wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.
Like Paul Newman says in Cool Hand
Luke, "Sometimes nothing can be a real

cool hand."
E

ВРАМОО

(continued from page 102)

Christian's imprisonment and Cheyenne's suicide
accelerated Brando's emotional tailspin.

was believed to be a trusted figure in
Brando's life; she came to work for him
in the 1950s, having been brought over
from the Paramount Studios secretarial
pool. Over the years she had cared for
his suicidal girlfriends, become Christ-
ian's legal guardian, overseen Brando's
Pennebaker Inc. film production com-
pany, protected his privacy and just gen-
erally taken care of whatever had to
be taken care of. She worked for Brando
full-time until the mid-1980s, after
which she remained involved in all as-
pects of his life,

Corrales too had a long history with
Brando. They met 43 years carlier when
Corrales was a friend to Brando's former
wife Anna Kashfi. Like Marchak, she
had served as surrogate mother to trou-
bled Christian, first when he ran away
from home at the age of 15, then after his
release from prison in 1996, when he

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moved to Kalama, Washington and she
served as his sponsor with the local pa-
role board. In 1999 Brando asked her to
become his business manager, and from
her farm in rural Washington she straight-
ened out the actor's books, got him tax
refunds and gathered millions in uncol-
lected residuals and fees when Brando
became ill and couldn't work.

Now Marchak and Corrales had been
replaced, much to their surprise and
anger. Dressler, it turned out, was Med-
avoy's brother-in-law and had been to
Brando's house only once, according to
Corrales. Douglas, the youngest exec-
utor, had fallen out of favor with Bran-
do at the end of 2002 when she and her
husband, actor and filmmaker Joseph
Brutsman, were editing an acting vid-
eo, Lying for a Living, that Brando had
begun working on in 2001 with British
director Tony Kaye.

Medavoy, chairman of Phoenix Pic-
tures, was the most high profile of the
executors. He had started out in the
Universal mail room and had been an
agent, a production executive at United
Artists, a co-founder of Orion Pictures
and chairman at TriStar. Everywhere in
the world, he boasted, “1 can turn on
the television and see a film being
broadcast that 1 had some hand in get-
ting made.” Medavoy had been involved
in the making of such quality films as
Amadeus, Platoon, The Silence of the Lambs
and Legends of the Fall. His annual Gold-
en Globes party was one of the hottest
tickets in town, and if this weren't
enough to guarantee his social and pro-
fessional standing he also had numerous
connections to such industry and com-
munity organizations as the Sundance
Institute, the Israel Film Festival, the
Anti-Defamation League, his alma
mater UCLA and even the Los Angeles
Board of Parks and Recreations.

Medavoy met Brando at a 1996 politi-
cal fund-raiser Medavoy had organized.
Brando needed to rehabilitate self
after accusing Jewish Hollywood
of insensitivity to blacks and oth
norities on Larry King Live, after w

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146

he made a tearful apology to directors of
the Simon Wiesenthal Center. Medavoy
then called to invite him to his fund-
raiser—which, “as luck would have it,
was a fund-raiser for Israel,” says Caro-
line Barrett, Brando’s assistant at the
time, who went with him. Ordinarily
Brando would have sneered at the
event, but he forced himself to go so he
“could be seen to be ‘on the right side,"
according to Barrett.

The relationship of the two men as it
evolved afterward was casual. “Marlon
would be reading Variety,” explains Bar-
rett, "and he'd call Medavoy to talk about
grosses. Marlon figured he was going to
use Medavoy to capitalize on his contacts.”

For Marchak, Corrales and Philip
Rhodes (Brando's oldest crony and
longtime makeup man), the codicil and
the changes it represented were alarm-
ing, and the more they thought about
them, the angrier they became. In the
mid-1980s Marchak had to strong-arm
Brando into making his first will; Cor-
rales had to lean on him to do the re-
vised version in August 2002. Now the
old guard found it hard to believe
that Brando, ill and half out of it, had
made such major changes at the last
minute, removing those who had been
with him the longest. They saw a pat-
tern. Corrales, accountant Linda Ped-
ula, lawyer Leon Bennett, housekeeper

“Meals on wheels.”

Alicia Mule, assistant Richard Thomas
and personal assistant Barrett had all
stopped working for Brando in the six
months leading up to his death, while
Toni Petrone's secretarial duties had
been cut by half. Most claim to have
been eased out by housemaid Borlaza,
who had gradually taken a pivotal role
in managing the ailing actor's daily life.
.

If paranoia, anger, laziness and the need
to manipulate were the source of the
tragedy that was Marlon Brando, then
the die was cast early in his childhood,
when he decided he was not loved. His
father, Marlon Sr., was tough, gruff
and big—a man's man. His mother,
Dorothy, or Dodie, was his father's oppo-
site—poetic, a lover of nature and an ac-
complished actress who would channel
her thwarted ambitions through her
son. Both parents were alcoholics. In
outsize Freudian terms, Dodie was the
dominant figure in Brando's life: His in-
ability to trust women and his tendencies
to destroy the things he loved and turn
on the people who cared about him most
all had their roots in the paradox of his
mother as both nurturer and lost drunk.

A Streetcar Named Desire eventually
propelled Brando to stardom in 1947.
With it came not only the perks of mon-
ey and women but the habit of sur-
rounding himself with friends who were
emotional orphans (and whom he could
draw into his web).

His talent, of course, was staggering,
and he rewrote the rules of motion-
picture acting. On the Waterfront brought
him his first Oscar, in 1955, but at that
point he no longer cared. By the start of
the 19605, after marrying pregnant Anna
Kashfi and walking out on her six months
later, he was nearly out of control and
blaming others. For his directorial de-
but, One-Eyed Jacks, he shot more than a
million feet of film, six times the norm.
During Mutiny on the Bounty, his feuds
with co-star Richard Harris and director
Carol Reed held up production and
nearly bankrupted MGM.

By the early 19705 it seemed he was
finished, all but unemployable until The
Godfather, which won him his second
Academy Award for best actor. The next
year he received another Oscar nomina-
tion and great critical acclaim for his tor-
tured performance in Last Tango in Paris.

Despite his success, Brando practically
exiled himself to Tahiti, where instead of
making movies he focused on his atoll,
using his own hands to drive the huge
Caterpillar tractor he'd brought in to
bulldoze the island's airstrip and pilot-
ing his private LST landing craft. Solar
power, a lobster farm and even a pre-
serve for chimpanzees all fascinated him.
Between 1972 and 1978, at a time when
he could have banked millions after the
success of The Godfather and Last Tango,
he took only one film project, The

Missouri Breaks with director Arthur Penn.

In March 1983 he tried to get orga-
nized by hiring a new assistant, Tom
Papke, a middle-aged techie with a
background in film and electronics.
Brando talked about security, point-
ing to an outbuilding of his house on
Mulholland Drive; its walls were made
of one-foot-thick steel-reinforced con-
crete, with no windows and heavy
plate-steel doors. It was nicknamed
the Bunker. He explained that he had
arranged for a helicopter service to
be on call at a moment's notice. In
the event of a disaster, an earthquake
or a riot, the helicopter was to pick
up his assistant Pat Quinn, sister
Jocelyn, son Christian, friends Philip
and Marie Rhodes
and anyone else
Brando chose to
add to the list and
deliver them to
Mulholland so they
could be safe in
the Bunker.

Brando also had
a penchant for
pushing real estate
boundaries. He had
more than doubled
the size of his Mul-
holland house, with
a separate building
that became the sec-
retaries' office, then
another building,
then the conversion
of a carport into a
den (where Drollet
was shot), and then
an addition to the
kitchen. With the
exception of the
last, each had been
put up without a
permit. The office
had even been built
on land belong-
ing to the county of
Los Angeles. Bran-
do had been warned
but was not de-
terred: Nobody was
going to file a complaint against a star,
so he'd just say, “Fuck 'em."

The fortifications he requested at
12900 Mulholland Drive had proceeded
in stages and included a several-
thousand-pound steel gate at the foot of
the driveway, as well as 300 bamboo
trees planted along the property's
perimeter and laced with concertina
wire that had been sprayed green, Viet-
nam camo-style. A Richard Nixon-worthy
taping system was hooked up to all the
telephone extensions, to record calls
and eavesdrop on conversations any-
where inside the house.

“These phone calls of his,” says Rhodes.
"He'd always say, 'How's sex with your
wife? You get anything on the side? He

2005 Paycoy

had all these people talking about
their sex lives, and it was all recorded."

Christian's imprisonment in 1990 and
Cheyenne's suicide on Easter Day 1995
accelerated Brando's emotional tailspin,
and with the deterioration of his health
beginning in 2000, his usual erratic
behavior seemed to escalate, possibly
because he feared he was dying. Rather
than settle a 2002 lawsuit with Ruiz, the
ex-maid who had sued him for palimo-
ny and child support, he dug in his
heels and went to court. There was also
a lawsuit filed over Brando's claim that
Barrett, his former assistant, owed him
money he had given her; it became an-

other exercise in "defending my rights"
and "holding the line." Along with the
inflexibility, he was wildly spending
money in manic-depressive swings.
The Lying for a Living video soaked up
$500,000; another $400,000 went to de-
signing and patenting a new, improved
type of conga drum that he was so high
on he rewarded the designer with a
$50,000 tip. Payroll records indicate
that from 1995 through 2002 Avra
Douglas and her husband were paid
$275,291, in part for their part-time
editing and the work Douglas did as
Brando's on-location assistant for movies
including The Score. That 2001 film
proved to be Brando's last.

In the following years his earnings

had dipped to less than $1 million a
year, mainly from residuals. Meanwhile
there was a $1.5 million mortgage on
the Mulholland house, plus the creditors
in Tahiti and daily expenses.

То the old guard the problems really
began when Borlaza took over for Ruiz
as Brando's housekeeper in 1994. At the
height of Borlaza's influence, she and
her sister, husband and son were being
paid around $150,000 a year in addition
to their housing expenses and "God
knows how much on the credit card,"
says Corrales. Vie, Borlaza's sister, re-
ceived a $1,000 bonus as a new employ-
ee even though she'd been working for
Brando for more
than a year.
Corrales had
started commuting
from Washington
after Brando's pul-
monary fibrosis
diagnosis in April
2001. On Novem-
ber 14, 2003, dur-
ing one of Corrales's
trips from Kalama,
Borlaza accosted
her, demanding she
put her husband,
Nicolas Magaling,
on salary. The year
before, Corrales
had agreed to put

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feared an INS in-
vestigation, and
listing Magaling as
a cook when he
wasn't working for
Brando would be
illegal and too risky.

After the turn-
down Borlaza went
to Brando, who
dictated a letter to
the INS verifying
that Magaling was employed as his
cook. Though frustrated, Corrales was
not surprised. Borlaza’s maneuverings
had been obvious for the past year,
ever since, according to Brando's
friends, she started sharing the actor's
bed. In August 2003 Corrales had felt
compelled to communicate with David
Seeley, Brando's lawyer. “I think we
will have some real issues in the future
over her power and Marlon's lack of
control, whether he thinks he does or
not,” she told him.

Lack of control was one way to look
at it. Borlaza's new ranch-style bunga-
low in the San Fernando Valley, which
Brando was paying for, was less than a

playboy
Most major credit cards accepted.

40-minute drive away, but Borlaza 147

РЕАУВОУ

148

moved her two children and sister into
the Mulholland house, along with a dog
and a cat. The office had been turned
into a sleeping area for Borlaza's kids
and their animals, and her son Dean
was driving Brando's Lexus, which he'd
managed to get into а $3,000 fender
bender. The monthly food bills were
running from $3,500 to $4,000.

“Marlon bought her the house, 1
think, probably for the husband to live
in,” says Brando pal Rhodes, “because
by then Marlon was having an affair
with Angela, as he always had affairs
with his help.”

Corrales wrote to Seeley in November
2003: “The house is a pigpen—windows
dirty, no toilet paper half the time. One
of the crew and I went around the house
picking up dead rats.” Brando, she said,
"stays in his room, oblivious to life in the
outside world other than his television.”

Brando was not getting any exercise.
Corrales noticed that all his pills were
being kept in the kitchen except for
a large bottle of something called Nor-
co on his bedside table. The drug, she
soon found out, was a habit-forming
narcotic analgesic. Symptoms of over-
dosing on Norco may include bleeding,
slow breathing, weakness, confusion and
even coma. The drug is contraindicated
for anyone with kidney or liver disease.
Corrales determined from checking
credit card receipts that Brando was ob-
taining the narcotic from two different
pharmacies, sometimes filling two pre-
scriptions on the same day.

During this time, Brando's battle with
pulmonary fibrosis left him bedridden,

except to go to the bathroom. He stayed
on oxygen full-time, and he slept
mostly during daylight hours. Outside
his window workmen Corrales had
brought from Kalama were busy build-
ing a new deck and wheelchair ramp
everyone knew he'd never use. One
afternoon Brando told Corrales he
wanted a garden planted in the spring.
He wanted sunflowers.

In his more rational moments Brando
could be touching, open and unguarded.
In September 2003 he sent Corrales
flowers. The card, which referred to his
considerable weight loss of the previous
year, read, “From a short ex-fat person
who holds you in great esteem. Every
flower is a copy of your soul.” Corrales
faxed him back, “It took some time for
my tears to dry.”

Corrales also worried that Brando felt
trapped by Borlaza. He had called Cor-
rales long-distance in November 2002,
instructing her, “Please, JoAn, 1 want
you to write this down: ‘Emotional in-
volvement with Angela getting out of
hand. Marlon wants out. Angela has too
much power.”

Brando told Corrales on one of her
visits, “JoAn, look around and tell me
what you see.”

“I see books, music, family pictures,
things that have made up your life for as
long as Гуе known you,” she said.

“Then why did I wind up with some-
опе who knows only one subject—salary?”
he said with a sigh. “Angela has more
moves than a shit-house rat.”

In mid-December 2003 Corrales,
plagued by bronchitis, cut her L.A. visit

"Oh, God...I can see it coming...our very first argument!"

short. By now she knew Brando was over
the edge and in all probability doomed.
She wasn't the only one. Bruce Davis,
one of the Kalama workmen, wrote Cor-
rales a note saying of Brando, “He was
doing a lot of groaning and heavy
breathing and was not coherent. 1 didn't
think I would see him again, but Angela
said he was fine and that there was noth-
ing wrong with him.”

That Christmas Tarita Teriipaia, Bran-
do's Tahitian common-law wife and
Cheyenne's mother, decided to fly in
from French Polynesia, Brando had met
Teriipaia while filming Mutiny on the
Bounty in the early 19605. Borlaza called
Corrales to warn her that Teriipaia
would probably be spending lots of mon-
ey on her usual shopping and on some
fairly heavy dental work, too.

The visit did not go well. On January
14 Brando called Corrales, his tone now
almost businesslike. “There's a big
mess down here,” he said. “The girls are
going crazy.” No one involved in that
event will say what happened during the
visit, but Corrales found herself in the
middle of Brando's marital mayhem.
She called David Seeley for instructions.
Brando's lawyer advised her to lie low
and let the storm pass.

Corrales heard from Brando again on
January 19, when he left what Corrales
called “an insane message” on her voice
mail that she was to make every available
effort to show he was not a California
resident. She was to buy a generator
for his electricity; he would use only bot-
tled water, not the city supply; he would
lease out the Mulholland house, possibly
to Medavoy; all services to Mulholland
were to be stopped; and he would no
longer use credit cards in the state.

The idea itself wasn't new; he had al-
ready talked about saving on California
income tax. But this was pure Howard
Hughes. More worried than ever before,
Corrales wrote Seeley later that day, “In
reviewing the message, 1 have to believe
Marlon is not thinking rationally.”

On January 28 Borlaza told Linda
Pedula, Brando's accountant, to pay cer-
tain bills. This was a first. Corrales wrote
in her log, “Angela trying to place herself
in situation where she controls funds,
the banking, has control of the books.”

Corrales wanted to discuss this with
Brando and left messages. After several
days, he left her a voice mail. “I don't
know what to say, but everything has
turned brown here,” he said. His voice
was slurred, and from past experience
Corrales knew that “brown,” as Brando
used it, meant “shit.” She called him
back. Nothing.

On February 10 she again faxed See-
ley. She brought up Brando's euphoria,
depression, despair and sexual and
financial promiscuity. She accused See-
ley, whom she called “the starstruck

attorney,” of refusing to intervene on
Brando's behalf with Borlaza. The
lawyer made no reply.

Finally, on February 25, Corrales ac-
knowledged the obvious: She'd run into
a wall. She sat down and wrote Brando a
10-page letter recapitulating their long,
involved history, hoping against hope
that it would reach him. She sent copies
to Seeley and Medavoy, too. Borlaza, she
maintained, had taken over his life.

“Му mother used to say that when a
frog is in the middle ofa mud puddle, he
doesn't know there is dry land all
around him. That is where you are and
have been for a long time,” Corrales
wrote. “I wanted so much for you as my
friend, and 1 ат so sad at the wedges
that have been placed between us for
material and financial gain. You should
be ashamed of yourself. 1 don't think
you or Angela have any idea of the
repercussions of what you have done.”

Brando did not respond. Instead Cor-
rales received a directive from Larry
r, the new accountant, on March
18, instructing her to return all records
belonging to the actor. Two weeks later
she was informed that she was no longer
to use Brando's cred-
її сага. Corrales had
been fired.

The change in sta-
tus was shocking.
Only a year before,
Brando had called
Corrales into his
room and talked
about his lost daugh-
ter. He had looked
up at her from his
bed with tears in his
eyes. "It'll be all
right, won't it?" he
sked in a trembling, little boy's voice.
I can say her name now."

He pointed to Cheyenne's picture, a
small framed snapshot of her at 12 or 13
on the beach at Tetiaro:
ized he'd moved the
the room to his bedside table so he could
see it at eye level while lying down. He
broke completely and sobbed. After a
moment he dried his face with some
tissue and motioned her to sta’
‘There was a time 1 couldn't,” he said,
pausing and trying to smile, “say her
name. But promise me you'll always take
саге of my son. You've been so good to
Christian alwa

Brando had sent Christian a note, an
extraordinary tough-tender letter that
said, in effect, “Sober up or you're going
to die. I love you, my son, please know
that.” He signed off with the handwrit-
ten apology, “Excuse the typing, can’t
write so well. All my love, Pop.”

The handwriting was indeed impos-
sible—a series of squiggly, spidery, spastic
letters that were all but indecipherable.
There were a dozen reasons Brando
blamed himself for what had hap-

Brando was the one at fault,
really. He was dying,
and his life was unraveling.
His last days were as
tortured as his earlier ones,
and no one could help.

pened, and all of them were legitimate.

He then told Corrales what to do after
he died, giving her directives about his
death that he would repeat before their
break at the end of February:

(1) Seal the bedroom with a padlock.
No one is to enter. “They will steal the
buttons off my shirt,” Brando said.

(2) Regarding Miko, Brando's second-
oldest son: “He wants to be my first-
born. It will never happen; we have
nothing in common. Christian is my
firstborn. Make sure he knows how
much I loved him.”

(3) “After a couple of weeks, take
Christian into my room. I have some-
thing for him. It will be in the top left-
hand drawer in the bathroom.”

(4) “Have everyone leave the premises
except for someone to feed the dogs.
Have the gardeners take care of the yard.”

(5) “What happens to my house?”
Brando asked. Corrales said it would
be sold. Brando said, “Please treat
her gently. I have been here almost
50 years.

(6) “Do not let anyone see me after I
die. I want everyone to remember me as
I was the last time they saw me or talked

to me. Promise me.

(7) “Оо not allow
any kind of services,
i not any

(8) “I wish I could
be sitting under a
coconut palm in a
very special place on

f not...send my
ashes to Tarita."

What had hap-
pened in the follow-
ing months? At first Corrales focused
on Borlaza. Corrales claims to have
documents showing two Social Security
numbers and at least three names for
her: Angela Borlaza, Angela Magaling
and Evelyn Magaling. But Brando was
the one at fault, really. He was dying,
and his life was unraveling. His last
days were as tortured as his earlier
ones, and no one could help.

Philip Rhodes, ordinarily a most mild-
mannered man, began to complain
when his old friend's body was put on
display at a local Sherman Oaks funeral
home days after his death.

“It was appalling,” Rhodes says. “That
was the last thing Marlon would have
wanted, to be put on display like that.”

“Like that” meant an open casket
stuffed with the 300-pound Brando,
who was wrapped in a caftan topped
off with his favorite vermilion scarf, his
face smeared with rouge and whatever
else undertakers use to prettify the
dead. On principle Rhodes refused to
go to the viewing. Brando's secretary,

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Toni Petrone, attended and reported to
the others that members of the family
were there, as well as Brando's ex-
mistress Yachiyo Tsubaki, a wealthy
heiress who had flown in from Tokyo
with her brother. Brando's former agent
Jay Kanter was there, along with Teri-
ipaia. New executors Medavoy and
Dressler were present too, as was Bor-
laza, who brought her children, sisters
and friends and planted herself at the
head of the casket as if she were Bran-
do's grieving widow.

Rhodes says he called Brando's sister
Jocelyn and mentioned he'd heard that
Borlaza's sister Vie had been giving
Brando painkillers, supposedly by injec-
tion. Whether Vie was fully licensed as a
registered nurse he wasn't sure.

“I told her I was afraid something had
been done to Marlon. She said, ‘Oh no,
Гуе been talking a lot to Angela, and her
sister is an accredited nurse.' I wasn't
happy with that," says Rhodes. “Marlon
was a very, very tough guy, and it
seemed as though he went too quickly.
I'd known he was taking a painkiller that
affected his liver, and about a week be-
fore he died they found a tremendous
growth. Why hadn't it been found earli-
er? If they had operated, maybe he'd be
alive today."

Brando's body was cremated, preclud-
ing an autopsy. Shortly thereafter his
estate was hit with a flood of lawsuits.
Brando had never been careful with
money and was often duplicitous with
friends. Claims filed against his estate,
and those about to be filed, were signifi-
cant: $460,000 from Air Moorea for un-
paid business costs; $408,079.85 from

the Creative Artists Agency for unpaid
commissions and interest; a claim for a
building lot on Tetiaroa that Brando
had promised his L.A.-based archi-
tect, Bernard Judge; and another
claim from ex-mistress Tsubaki for the
return of two paintings she had made.
Petrone filed for reimbursement for an
art deco ring she had lost down the
drain at the Mulholland house while
washing vegetables.

Pending claims were bigger, specifi-
cally those of Kanter and Marchak, who
each demanded the return of waterside
bungalows in Bora Bora that Brando
had given them as presents but failed to
deed over. Marchak's lawyers also want-
ed the cash value of the Newport Beach
residence Brando had contributed to as
part of a retirement package in 1984; he
then "borrowed" the house to secure a
loan and eventually sold the property
without giving her the proceeds as
promised. Her claim, based on the loss
of both properties, totaled $1,065,000.

So many lawsuits were filed by Bran-
do's former friends and associates that
even veteran Brando watchers were
amazed. Was Brando such a bad friend
that he left behind a sea of ill will? Were
his old friends not really friends at all
but gold diggers looking to cash in on
the actor's wealth and fame? Probably no
suit was more surprising than the one
filed by Corrales. She made a claim for
$500,000 in unpaid commissions for
work she had agented while serving as
Brando's business manager. Then, sur-
prisingly, the woman who had spent 43
years tending to Brando's needs, watch-
ing over his son and crying with him at

"This return to profitability is really going to change the way
we juggle the books."

his bedside, also asked for an additional
$3 million for what her lawyer would tell
the media was sexual harassment. Cor-
rales's affection during Brando's life had
turned to disappointment at being re-
moved as an executor of the estate. In
the end that disappointment trans-
formed into rage and litigation. "In the
end one's love and devotion and hard
work were replaced by abandonment
and broken promises, however much
you cared for the man," she complained
bitterly. "If he were alive today, I would
prefer to sue him in person."

In a further complication, lawyers
for Ruiz, mother of Brando's three
youngest children, had gotten a favor-
able court ruling allowing her to file
for additional monies without violating
the will's no-contest clause. The court
decision meant other heirs could do
the same.

For the old guard there was one big
question: How competent was Brando
when he signed the codicil that changed
his executors? For months he had
been isolated —Marchak, for example,
had called twice in the two days preced-
ing Brando's death, and Borlaza had
put her off. Like almost everyone who
inquired, Marchak got the line "Mr.
Brando, he sleeping" or "Mr. Brando, he
in the bathroom." How could anyone
prove incompetence when no one had
been to his home, when most of the
longtime staffers had been fired?

Brando's new inner circle wasn't talk-
ing, at least not for the purposes of this
article. Medavoy, Dressler, Douglas and
Borlaza endured the old guard's ani-
mosity in stony silence.

In early July Brando's sister Jocelyn ad-
dressed the question of a memorial by
telling Foxnews.com columnist Roger
Friedman that there would be "no ser-
vice of any kind."

In fact, three or four ceremonies were
held. Brando's son Miko, 44, appeared
to have planned one while elder brother
Christian, long Miko's rival, was absent.
Miko had long been chummy with Bor-
laza, so his new status seemed to fit. To-
ward the end of September a crowd of
nearly 200 gathered at the Medavoys'
colonial-style mansion, better known for
its Golden Globes parties than for
memorials.

The night of the ceremony the guest
list was star-studded: Warren Beatty
and Annette Bening, Jack Nicholson,
Johnny Depp, Sean Penn, Nick Nolte,
Robert De Niro and Barbra Streisand.
Even Michael Jackson was there. For-
mer agent Kanter told the media it was
"really quite small, and a lot of Bran-
do's family were there." There was
family—sister Jocelyn and several
nieces and nephews—but the actor's
staffers and friends who had been with
him for decades were nowhere to be

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152

seen. Englund and Marchak boycotted
the event. (Marchak was offended
when told she couldn't bring anyone
with her.) Corrales, Barrett, Rhodes
and his wife, Marie (who had worked as
Brando's stand-in), had not been invit-
ed, nor had friends and staffers Pat
Quinn, Tom Papke and Alex du Prel.

Aside from Nicholson and Penn, and
to a lesser extent Depp, few of the
celebrity cast had actually had much
contact with Brando. No less surpris-
ing, Borlaza was one of the evening's
featured speakers. Speaking slowly
with a pronounced accent, she told of
how, 10 years before, "Maarrlon" had
welcomed her as a friend, not an em-
ployee. "My darkness, it make no dif-
ference," she said. He hired her, sent
her to language school, trained her on
the computer—so what else could she
have done, she asked, but be there
when he needed her? "There are peo-
ple who say they knew Marlon for 40
years. It not matter; you can know
Marlon in an instant."

She continued, giving credit to her sis-
ter for all the good work she'd done, and
at the end she called Brando a great
man. А big round of applause followed,
which was the cue for Miko to rise. He
too spoke on the theme of greatness.

“Му father," he said, "was a very sim-
ple man. People don't realize that. He
was a great father, too. He had 11 chil-
dren. I have all these stepsiblings, and
we all get along."

"That was not really true. The Brando
kids had never gotten along. But Miko
was actually saying something else: that
he was now the family spokesman. Older
brother Christian, who had come down
from Washington, sat on the sideline,
brooding next to Nicholson and nursing
a bottle of Jack Daniel's.

"The whole thing sucked. Miko was
doing his bullshit, walking around like
the fucking Godfather," Christian said
later. "He's a complete asshole. I went
up to him afterward and said, 'When

“I don't kn

you gonna find out whose dick you
really came out of?"

This was not a fresh insult. Christian
and others have long believed Miko
wasn't Brando's son at all. Brando met
Miko's mother, Movita Castenada, just
before filming Viva Zapata! in 1951. The
old guard basically maintains that Cas-
tenada had used the infant Miko to trap
Brando into marrying her. The mar-
riage, annulled in 1968, took place in
Mexico in 1960, and even that was sus-
pect because at the time Castenada ap-
peared to be married to Irish boxer
Jack Doyle. According to Marchak,
Brando's psychiatrist urged him not to
confront Miko with the truth of his
birth until he was a teenager. Yet Miko
was included in Brando's will, and the
two had an ongoing relationship.

"Marlon felt sorry for the kids," says
Rhodes, "and he bought a house for
them all to live in. Later he told Miko,
"You must get it out of your mind; you
are not my son.' He never adopted him,
either, I don't think."

Adds Marchak, "Marlon didn't like
Miko. He didn't trust him, because when
he was a child he'd come up to the house
and, as Marlon saw it, spy for his mother.
He wasn't a likable child. He was sneaky,
and Marlon always warned me about
him. 'Miko always sees dollar signs.
That's his thing.'”

In his 20s Miko was known to drive
around L.A. with a vanity license plate
that read PRODUCR. He would show up at
film premieres, where he could mix with
the stars and pose for photos, and in
1978, while working as a production as-
sistant on the Korean set of Inchon, he
would tell journalists his father would be
arriving and he'd be happy to arrange
interviews. In the 1980s Quincy Jones, a
friend of Brando's, got Miko a job
working as a security guard for Michael
Jackson. Miko quickly made himself the
intermediary between the pop singer
and Brando, who, oddly enough, wound
up giving Jackson acting lessons.

ош how to tell you this, Helen, but I think Гт bi-polar.”

Despite this job, Miko felt free to tap
his father's assets. In December 2002
Miko charged a $115,000 Porsche turbo
to his father and instructed the leasing
company to send the contract to Borlaza,
who forwarded it to Corrales for pay-
ment. When Corrales killed it outright,
Miko threw a fit. He also asked for
$4,807.17 to cover a three-day car trip to
Carmel and San Francisco with his kids,
and Corrales recalls receiving another
demand for $950 he claimed to have
spent on groceries for the family's
Thanksgiving meal.

Miko's new role as family spokesman
was codified at the time of the Septem-
ber memorial when the Los Angeles
Times ran the story “Behind the Scenes
of Brando's Life: His son tells of a dot-
ing, eccentric father...,” the first of sev-
eral Brando articles by Times staffer
Robert Welkos.

“The last time my father left his
house to go anywhere, to spend any
kind of time, it was with Michael Jack-
son at Neverland Ranch,” Miko was
quoted at his most nostalgic. “He loved
it. My father had a 24-hour chef, 24-
hour security, 24-hour help, a 24-hour
kitchen, 24-hour maid service. Just
carte blanche."

On the question of Tetiaroa's fate,
Miko grew more businesslike. “I think
there's talk about developing half of it,"
he said, "because at the end, my father
wanted to take it over and develop it as a
resort. He never got around to it, so you
know, if it comes up that's an option we
have. But we're keeping our business
options open."

Brando's old friends say the actor had
never wanted to develop or sell the atoll.
But buried in the article was a more rev-
elatory announcement: The estate was
obtaining trademarks on Brando's name
and likeness.

"The last thing I'm going to do is
something that cheapens Marlon's im-
age," Medavoy said in a follow-up article
dated October 15. “You want some sort
of blanket protection against anyone
doing something that basically goes out
and steals his image and puts it on a nap-
kin. This way you can protect against it."

"If Marlon were alive and well, he'd kill
them," Rhodes says, chuckling that he'd
been misrepresented in the Times article.

It is possible that Brando may have
had a deathbed conversion brought on
by concern over his kids' shaky financial
future. The branding of dead celebrities
is big box office. Given the enthusiasm of
Brando fans the world over, marketing
Brando could generate $10 million to
$15 million a year. Among the ideas be-
ing contemplated: Brando sunglasses
and a Brando line of clothing.

For the Brando kids—who so far had
raised no objection to the branding of
their famous father's name, whether for
bottle openers, key chains, credit cards
or temporary tattoos—the arrangement

was worth а potential $1.25 million an-
nually for each of them.

As if the estate squabble weren't enough,
the existing members of Brando's family
continue to struggle with the legacy of be-
ing a Brando. Documents seized from the
home of Michael Jackson's personal assis-
tant show that Miko had received
$20,000, reportedly as part of a plot to
kidnap the 12-year-old boy accusing
Jackson of sexual molestation. Prosecutor
Ron Zonen said Miko was not considered
part of the conspiracy after all but would
likely be called to testify at Jackson's trial.
2 п had even bigger problems.

in the Robert Blake trial in
ented evidence implicating
п in the killing of Blake's wife,
Bonnie Lee Bakley. Christian reputedly
acknowledged having an affair with the
woman, followed by a bitter falling-out,
but denied making a death threat. Chris-
tian was eventually cleared, but the
Blake experience, coupled with the loss
of his father, sent him into a tailspin. He
was drinking heavily and had compli-
cated matters by suddenly marrying
Deborah Presley, 48, in Las Vegas. Presley
claimed to be an illegitimate daughter of
Elvis Presley, buta Memphis judge ruled
in 1988 that her claim had no merit.

Medavoy oflered Christian a construc-
tion job on the set of his new film, a re-
make of All the King's Men, starring Sean
Penn, but Christian declined, apprehen-
sive that he would have to deal with “too
many people” and wouldn't be able to
take the pressure. The estate then
loaned him money, reportedly several
thousand dollars a month over several
months, money Christian and his new
wife went through in a flash. In Febru-
ary 2005 Christian found himself hauled
into court for spousal abuse, and his
wife, who remained with Christian, went
back to Medavoy to ask the estate to pay
for her husband's rehab.

"Grow up," the producer reportedly
told her. "You're not Jesus Christ. He's
got to take care of himself. I'm doing ex-
actly what Marlon would do—nothing!"

Medavoy later modified this a bit,
claiming he would help only after Chris-
tian made the first move to help himself,
but Brando's old friends were neverthe-
less appalled. For all their problems and
inability to communicate, Brando had
never abandoned his son, whether he
was hocking his home to pay for Christ-
ian's legal defense or telling Corrales
and banker Diane McCallum to look af-
ter him. "There are two things Christian
must always have—a roof over his head
and health insurance," Brando once
said. "He can't take care of himself."

Now the estate was telling Christian to
do just that, even as the lawyers were jet-
ting back and forth to Tahiti and the ac-
countants were billing at their customary
$300 an hour. When Christian, a welder

by profession, first came down from
Washington after his father's death, he
went to the Mulholland Drive house to
retrieve his tools. An armed guard re-
fused him entry, and he was on the
street, without a real home.

Meanwhile, fresh controversies erupt-
ed. In early 2005 Tarita Teriipaia pub-
lished her memoirs in France. In them
she says Brando was to blame for the
death of their daughter, Cheyenne. The
book quotes Cheyenne on what she had
told me when I wrote Brando: The Biog-
raphy, published in 1994. Cheyenne said
her father massaged her from the age of
seven onward, "as if he wanted me to
pretend we were making love."

Things were a mess. Dressler surveyed
the situation and told The New York Times
that he and the other executors were
finding the aftermath of Brando's death
uphill-going.

“Не didn't live with order in his life,"
said Dressler of Brando, with the most
magnificent if unintended irony. "He
liked to leave things where they lay."

By late February 2005 the executors
had moved forward with the sale of
the estate's two principal assets, the
Mulholland house and Tetiaroa. For
Mulholland, the JN Trust—presumably
neighbor Jack Nicholson—was offering
$5 million even though the property
had been valued at probate at twice
that amount. For Tetiaroa, Tahiti Beach-
comber SA, proprietor of several luxury
resorts in French Polynesia, was offering
$2 million even though Brando had re-
jected $5 million plus $1 million yearly
in hotel royalties from the same outfit in
March 2003. Neither property was being
put on the open market, so it was hard to
determine the apparent advantages of
these bird-in-the-hand offers. Members
of the old guard consulted lawyers. And
on behalf of Teriipaia, Bernard Judge,
Brando's master planner for the island,
tried to reach out to environmentalists “to
save” the pristine atoll from development.

As the controversy about Brando's life and
choices persists, those close to him have
returned to their daily routines, strug-
gling with their ambivalence as to who ex-
actly the great actor was. Tom Papke, the
young tech whiz who saw the older man
as a friend, recalls one specific moment
with Brando that bordered on magic. It
happened in the 1990s after Christian's
imprisonment and before Cheyenne's
suicide. Papke was standing outside the
house, watching lightning crack over the
valley below Mulholland Drive. Before he
knew it Brando was standing next to him,
barefoot and dressed only in a kimono,
with the wind blowing through his hair.

“I love the wind! When I die, I'm go-
ing to be part of it!” he shouted above

the storm.

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153

P LATE

Scarlett € Johansson.

(continued from page 81)
JOHANSSON: It's like a good Twilight Zone
episode. Everything seems normal until
the last five minutes, and then you're like,
"Oh my God!” People have been saying it's
Logan's Run meets The Matrix meets Brave
New World. It’s basically about clones, peo-
ple who are being harvested for body
parts. Functioning people living in a com-
munity find out their purpose and escape.
"They have a crazy chase through the Ari-
zona desert and then through downtown
L.A. The audience doesn't really know
what's going on until well into the film,
which I find to be exciting and is why I
decided to do the movie. When I was read-
ing the script I kept thinking, What's going
to happen? I love that.

PLAYBOY: What persistent rumor about you
would you now like to categorically deny?
JOHANSSON: There are several. First, that ГИ
date only men over 30 years old, which is
not true and never was. I never said that.
I guess people make the assumption
because in the movies I've made I've had
relationships with older men, sexual and
not. Also a tabloid said I had sex with a cer-
tain actor in a hotel elevator and that I con-
firmed it by making a sarcastic comment
to a magazine about it. I said, "Well, appar-
ently we were in this elevator, and it was
really steamy and sexy—which I think is
very unsanitary." They took out the word
apparently. 1 felt horrible. It was awful.

Q7
PLAYBOY: That said, what is on your list of
fantasy places to have sex?
JOHANSSON: If people are around but
don't know we're there, I'm not the kind

os BABY.
Yes! yegu

of person who will say, “Let's have sex.”
I'm not an exhibitionist. That doesn't
excite me. I do think having sex in a car
is sexy, but I don't know that it's a fantasy.
If I were in a really raunchy frame of
mind and thinking of doing something
crazy and kinky and sexy, the backseat
would be it. [laughs] I mean, the front seat
is kind of uncomfortable, isn't it? You can
lean it back, but I think the backseat
probably has more room. It's also more
private. I'm not into being caught.

PLAYBOY: Why are you squirming in your
seat right now?

JOHANSSON: Allergies. I just came from the
doctor, who stuck pins in a grid all over
my back. Now it's so itchy! I just want to
die. They have a tray with 60 different
vials. They stick you with these teeny irri-
tating tickly things, in a grid six across
and 10 down, mark which is which, and
whatever reacts—turns red or itchy or
has a hive—is what you're allergic to. I
knew right away it was bad news. Just as
the woman was about to leave I said,
"Oh, it's starting to itch." Then I had to
wait 20 minutes to get the full effect. And
I couldn't scratch. I was going nuts.

PLAYBOY: You've been cast in Mission:
Impossible Ш. What had you imagined
about Tom Cruise that was immediately
and obviously true upon meeting him?

JOHANSSON: That he would be such a
charismatic person. I instantly thought,
Wow, he's a movie star! Stardust sprin-
kles out of him when he walks. I also dis-
covered that he softballs everybody he
works with. He's friendly and remem-
bers everybody's name. He's enthusias-
tic. And I think he's a fantastic actor. I

loved him in Eyes Wide Shut, Magnolia,
Risky Business, Rain Man and, of course,
Jerry Maguire. I love to watch Tom. I can
see his thought process when he's work-
ing. I love that.

G10
PLAYBOY: What's more important, good
work or a long career?
JOHANSSON: Can't I have both? Good work
15 more important to me. What's a long
career if you're not happy with your
work? You work and work and never feel
you're accomplishing anything. That's a
Twilight Zone episode. Besides, good work
usually means a long career. I don't have
job security. I don't know what I'd do if I
went through a period like John Travolta
did, in which no one was interested in
me—he's such a good actor, and I loved
working with him. I'd have to find
another career. I'd probably be either a
florist or an Egyptologist, because I'm fas-
cinated with ancient Egypt. Maybe I'd
grow orchids in Egypt.

PLAYBOY: What comics did you read to
prepare for bringing a comic-book char-
acter to life in Ghost World, your 2000
movie based on the Daniel Clowes comic?
JOHANSSON: The only comic books I'd ever
read were Ren & Stimpy and Archie. I
always felt bad for Betty. Betty was nice
and pretty. Betty was hot. She wanted
Archie. Archie wanted Veronica. Veron-
ica's pretty mean. Reggie also wanted
Veronica. Jughead probably wanted Reg-
gie; that's why he didn't want to be with
the skinny Olive Oyl-y one, Big Ethel.
Who wanted Betty?

Q12

PLAYBOY: How hard do you have to work
to get ready to go out in public?
JOHANSSON: I did a film called A Good
Woman, and there's a great line in it:
“Women are similar to sausages: You
never want to see the preparation of
either.”

Q13

PLAYBOY: When you travel between your
homes in New York and Los Angeles,
do you pack a suitcase or keep clothes at
both places?

JOHANSSON: 1 carry a suitcase. I like to
pack. I've been packing for 12 years. I
can pack really fast and really efficiently.
I'm into rolling. An ex-boyfriend of mine
taught me the technique. For that and a
few other things ГИ be forever grateful to
him. You can fit 12 pairs of pants in a
carry-on if you roll.

Q14
PLAYBOY: What's the best swag bag you've
ever received at a celebrity function?
JOHANSSON: Some of the best gift bags I've
gotten were at the Vanity Fair Hollywood
shoots. I did two with all women, and the
(concluded on page 157)

Jennifer Walcott is having her pie and eat-
ing it, too. Though she’s one of the most
in-demand Playmate models in the coun-
try, Miss August 2001 has never had a
substantial acting role—until now. For her
first major foray into film, she plays sexy
band-camp counselor Laurie in American
Pie: Band Camp, the fourth installment
of the funnier-than-homemade-dessert
series, due on DVD this year. So how did
she get her big break? “It was by acci-
dent," says Jennifer (on the set, above
left). "At the casting they asked me if I had
er acted, and I said no. I got the part

Clockwise from left:
Jennifer Wolcott on
the set of American
Pie: Band Camp;
looking animated
for Lady Luck bikes;
partying in Vegas

anyway. It was a lot of fun.” The animated
Youngstown, Ohio native has also been
tapped as cartoon poster girl Lady Luck
for Lucky's Custom Choppers, a motor-
cycle company based in Las Vegas. And
if you're ever in Sin City, make sure to
check out Jen on billboards promoting
Bally's slot machines and the highly antic-
ipated Playboy nightclub at the Palms
Hotel Resort and Casino. Vegas adores
her so much, in fact, that she and fellow
Centerfolds Scarlett Keegan and Destiny
Davis were awarded a key to the city. Now
that's what we call Lady Luck.

A least
McCullo

In the past decade Miss
July 1995 has
cemented her place in pop
culture as one of TV’s most
ubiquitous buxom blondes.
Since her PLAYBOY appear-
ance, she's had memorable
guest spots on Baywatch,
Ally McBeal, Charmed and
Beverly Hills
90210, as well
as a regular
role as cruise
director
Nicole Jordan
on Love Boat:
The Next
Wave. Her
movies range
from Rock
Star to Man
of the Year,
starring
John Ritter.
In 2000
Heidi
joined the
elite group
we call
Playmates "
Who've Married
Motley Crue Guys—other
members include Pam
Anderson and Donna
D'Errico—when she got
hitched to (though later
divorced) singer Vince Neil.

МУ FAVORITE PLAYMATE

By Christina Moore

My favorite Playmate
is Miss October 1993
and Playmate of the
Year 1994 Jenny
McCarthy because
I'm on her television
show, UPN's The Bad Girl's
Guide, and she'll fire me if |
don't say she's the best Play-
mate in the history
of PLAYBOY.

HOT SHOT

NICOLE SMITH

Q: Tell us about your role in the inde- eraman. We wanted to make it as hot as
pendent movie Lost Lake (pictured). we could. We went for it.

А: I play a woman whose life changes Q: What's your ultimate movie role?
dramatically after she takes a job at А: 1 would love to play a kic spy
a remote ski lodge in like Jennifer Garner in
the High Sierra moun- Alias. I'm getting a bit
tains. It's an adventure, older and expecting my
but it has a spiritual first baby, so at this point
side. The ski footage T'm also looking to play
is great. more of the dramatic

Q: Are you a good young mother roles.
skier? Q: Congrats! When's

А: I love skiing, but the baby due?

I had a ski double for A: October. I got mar-
the intense scenes. She ried on New Year's Eve,
was incredible so it was all very exciting and fast, but it's

О: We hear there's a steamy sex scene. been great. Гуе played enough of the

A: It's true. Luckily it wasn't my first, young, hot, sexy vixen roles. Maybe
so I was pretty comfortable with it. 1 motherhood will change that. It would
was alone with my co-star and the cam- Бе nice to be seen a bit differently.

If Courtney Rachel Culkin wanted
to catch the eye of the New York
Knicks by wearing a team T-shirt
in her April 2005 pictorial, the
gambit worked. Soon after

the issue appeared
Courtney was invited

to participate in Knicks

Bowl 6, a charity event

that raised more than
$300,000 for the
Knicks Cheering

for Children

Foundation. At
right, she gets
an oppreciative
squeeze from
forward Michael
Sweetney.

GOSSIP

Is your TiVo set to record MTV's
Meet the Barkers? If you're living
under a punk rock and haven't
seen it yet, the hit reality
show stars Playmate and A
former Miss USA Shanna а
Moakler, Blink-182 drum-

mer Travis Barker and their

two kids, Atiana and Lan- \>
don. “I have a five-year-old
daughter who looks nothing like
me," Barker says (Atiana’s bio-
logical dad is boxer Oscar De
La Hoya). “When I take her to
school, people

Took at ime libe ade,
McEnroe.

I stole her.”... Though his ill-
fated talk show McEnroe went
bust not long after it debuted,
tennis legend John McEnroe was
lucky in one sense: Cara Wakelin
(above) appeared on one of the
final episodes... If you're into
comedy and scantily clad ladies,
watch Spike TV's The Lance Krall
Show, which features PMOY 2005
Tiffany Fallon as a schoolgirl,
a hot office worker and a sexy
alien.... Colleen Marie (below)
visited Cyberlore Studios, where

Colleen Marie toking a Bunny nap

the video game Playboy: The Man-
sion was developed. The dozens
of magazines spread out on the
office floor? The designers no
doubt used them for inspiration.

сувег ETT

See your favorite Playmate's
pictorial in the Cyber Club.
at cyber.playboy.com

hansson

Scarlett
Continued from page 154)

items were very feminine: lingerie, sexy
things, sweet nightshirts, perfumes and
lotions, nail polishes, private stuff. In an
Oscar bag you get a whole bunch of stuff
you have to sift through, like, “Oh, a Dirt
Devil! A trip to Hawaii! And here's a
phone ГЇЇ never use!” I prefer more inti-
mate packages. At the Vanity Fair shoots
the bags are designed specifically for each
recipient. At least I think so. Elle Mac-
pherson did a lingerie line and put in a
bunch of lingerie from her collection
along with a note: “These are perfect
for blank. d breasts."

015

PLAYBOY: If and when you finally show
your “blank-sized breasts" in a movie, will
you make the moviemakers pay big-time
as many actresses do?

JOHANSSON: Hmm. Not necessarily. Halle
Berry didn't in Monster's Ball. It would
just have to be the right film, and the
right film wouldn't necessarily have a
$120 million budget.

Q16

PLAYBOY: Many actresses and probably a
few actors these days are shocked to find
nude pictures of themselves—real or
fake—popping up all over the web. As a
member of the Internet generation, what
would you say to an older peer who just
got a big, big surprise?

JOHANSSON: If it's a fake I'd say, “Look, it's
not you. It's your head pasted onto
someone's body." It's not something I'd
like to have happen to me, no matter how
much I'd understand. What do you say—
"Find the bastards and sue"? Similarly,
just because I'm 90 years old doesn't
mean I'd be blasé if pictures of me sun-
bathing naked somewhere I thought was
private came out on the Internet and
people viewed them 5 billion times. I'd
be mortified, but there's nothing I could
do. Sometimes, of course, the pictures are
real, clips from a nude scene in a movie.
When a director says to me, "You're
going to take off all your clothes and
writhe around in this bed," I already
expect some people to rewind and fast-
forward and rewind and fast-forward
through the scene.

Q17
PLAYBOY: Give us a short course on the
young actor and actress of your generation.
JOHANSSON: The actor probably has a bit
of a scruffy beard from not working. He
seems maybe slightly effeminate. I don't
know why—ask the studio heads. You
look back to the 1950s and there are all
these very masculine actors. Now if you
have a role for a masculine young man
it's hard to cast. He drives some kind of
SUV and has a couple of dogs he likes
to go hiking with. He's on a macrobiotic
diet, and he's worried about getting gray

hair. He's had a girlfriend for a couple of
years. She's not an actress. And he's
never worn a tuxedo.

The actress is probably blonde. She's
on a vegan diet but also likes to eat pork
buns when they're available. Of course,
nobody can be looking. She's probably
addicted to NyQuil for sleeping and
doesn't have any pets. She's co-dependent
with her movie star boyfriend and has a
lot of expensive clothing, none of which
she's purchased.

Q18

PLAYBOY: Describe your sleep mask and
bedroom slippers.

JOHANSSON: How did you know I wear a
sleep mask? It's delightful. I never
thought I would wear a sleep mask, but
I've had one for at least a year. I was stay-
ing in a hotel room so bright that the sun
penetrated the blinds. I bought a sleep
mask at a drugstore and never slept bet-
ter. I've upgraded to a classier one: satin
on one side, cashmere on the other and
kind of a beige-orange color. If anyone
caught me in it, I wonder if they’d try
to do really dirty things to me or just

laugh and think, Oh, you loser, and be
so turned off. I don't care. I'd wear it
anyway. I'd be really upset if I lost it.

I don't have bedroom slippers. I like to
have my feet on the floor.

Q19
PLAYBOY: From all the movies you've
made, which scene do you wish had been
left on the cutting room floor?
JOHANSSON: There's a scene in The Horse
Whisperer that I think I'm horrible in. My
character has just met Bob Redford's
character for the first time. He says that
if I want the horse to recover, I have to
participate. My line is “I can't.” He says,
"Why not?" I have this line that's like
"Isn't it obvious?" It comes out so horri-
bly. The scene pains me every time I see
it. Then he walks away, and I say, "What
do I have to do?" It's just atrocious.

Q20
PLAYBOY: If Bill Murray were the horse
whisperer, what would he whisper in
the horse's ear?
JOHANSSON: Maybe “You smell like shit.”

“I pulled you over because there have been a few complaints.
Some of the residents in the neighborhood are angry
because you haven't driven down their street.”

157

3 ү; CARMEN LUVANA
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Н аубоу On The Scen

WHAT'S HAPPENING, WHERE IT'S HAPPENING AND WHO'S MAKING IT HAPPEN

A Guy Walks Into...

...a comedy club. Is he the next Seinfeld?

f you ever find yourself in an airport bar, waiting for a de-

layed flight and sitting next to a guy you think you may have

played baseball with in high school, you're probably rub-
bing elbows with John Heffron. After edging out nine other
comics on the second season of NBC's highly rated Last
Comic Standing, the 33-year-old L.A.-based comedian is tem-
porarily parked in fame's idyllic no-man's-land. He's renowned
enough to snag a $50,000 development deal with NBC and to
spend six days a week performing live, but he's not so cele-
brated that he can't go grocery shopping without the contents
of his cart being reported in Us Weekly. “A lot of people turn
their head when | walk by," he says. "They go, ‘I know you
from somewhere.' | send them on a wild goose chase, like,
'Maybe we went to high school together.' | never want to go,
‘Perhaps you've seen me оп The Tonight Show.'” With obser-
vational humor that has earned comparisons to Jerry Sein-
feld's ("Say you go to a strip club and you weren't supposed
to be there. Don't get the stripper wearing the glitter. Unless
you left with it on”), it won't be long before Heffron's blissful
semi-anonymity comes to a halt. Will there be a show titled
Heffron? "Who knows?" he says. "But if that happens, | know
who should play my wife—Alyssa Milano."

Bring the Noise

Fanfare for the Common man

" here's a tendency among music heads to
think some bands or artists are just too good
for the mainstream and certainly too good

for the pop charts. Chicago MC Common is
about to boot that notion out the window. His
new album, Be (Geffen), is an instant classic,
and it has all the cerebral undertones—he'd
rather talk about injustice than guns and bling:
that have characterized his work for the past
decade. His friend Kanye West produces most of
the tunes, which weave his lyrics around the
horns and strings of classic 1970s soul albums
like Curtis Mayfield's Roots. But Common is no
art school rapper. “I'm at home doing raw, soul-
ful hip-hop," he says. "I'm inspired by Nas, Jay-Z
and Kanye. Jay-Z is not only a good writer but
very stylish with his flows. It's also inspiring to
see him be so successful and still be good." Like
other hip-hop heavyweights, Common has grand
plans: He is branching into fashion with his Soji
hat line, sees himself following Mos Def onto the
big screen and is writing children's books. That
said, musically he's far from innocent. There's
plenty of sex on Be—along with a transcendent
sense of joy. "I'm proud to be a conscious artist,"
he says. "I believe hip-hop is a music and a cul-
ture that's about elevation. But conscious brothers
can have fun, too."

Pop-Outs

We can always
count on former
PLAYBOY cover girl
BIJOU PHILLIPS

for an extraordinary
photo op. At the
PlayStation fashion
show, she put the
rock in rock royalty.

Ciara Hot
Nights

It took super-
strength tape to
keep CIARA, first
lady of Crunk & B,
from busting out
at the МК) Music
Awards. So far
nothing has

held her back,
certainly not her
number one sin-
gle “Goodies.”

If forced to guess
what, besides her
bikini top, UZ
HURLEY neglected
to take to the
beach this day,
we'd say (a)a

Fast Laine
If you've seen Wild Secretaries Ex-
posed (and who hasn't?), you know
CHARLIE LAINE. Guess what—she's
not really a secretary. Note the rest
of her skill set at hotbody.com.

The Thrill
of Brazil
All hail GISELE
BUNDCHEN,
keeper of gold-
flecked locks,
impossibly long
legs and...a
new line of san-
dals? She could
be wearing
them here, but
who's looking at
her feet?

Banks Yankers

While heavily immersed in mentor-
ing America's next top model, TYRA
BANKS has not forgotten to practice
the fierceness she preaches. Exhibit
A: those Victoria's Secret ads. Exhibit
DD: her Vibe Awards appearance.

Шоїроигг

WHOA, МЕШЕ!

In the old West, when a lonesome cowpoke
reached the end of the trail, he looked forward
to two things—beautiful women and taking

off his boots. Which is why most boarding-
houses of the time had a Naughty Nellie boot-
jack in every room to help Clem with them
cowkickers. This modern reproduction ($40,
nanniesnaughtynellies.com) is based on the
tried-and-true design and features the e
demure МеШе herself, who you'll find is just as
eager to please as her 19th century ancestors.

A LIGHT TOUCH

Since the dawn of time mankind has been
fascinated with making fire, but only recently
have we learned to do it with style. The 50 Ways
to Rock a Lighter DVD ($22, lightertricks.com)
эц how to get jiggy with your trusty
Zippo, from basic building-block moves to
advanced techniques such as Double Smack
and Stic ngers. Learn them all and you're
п five and your fire starter just
became a conversation starter.

GORGEOUS CURVES

Think of this woman's beautiful butt as a delicious piece of ripe
fruit. Put that little mango through an overly bumpy ride and it
could bruise. The S-frame on the S-Rod Deluxe city cruiser from
3Gbikes ($800 for the one-speed, $1,100 for the nine-speed,
3gbikes.com) flexes like a big shock absorber, so riders can glide
over dirt trails and potholes without consequence. Designer Gary
Silva, father of the low-rider bike craze, gave his new cycle a rare
combination of comfort and performance. The suspension fork
and BMX-style handlebars offer a back-friendly seating position
without sacrificing the leverage you need for out-of-the-saddle
climbing. Exercise and fresh fruit—now that's healthy living.

ON THE BALL

James Dyson can't
help making other
vacuum cleaner
companies look like
chumps. After in-
venting a superior
suction system, he has
now revolutionized
how the thing moves.
Four-wheel models
go in a straight

line and turn like a
parallel-parking car.
His DC15 the Ball
($600, dyson.com)
uses a ball instead

of wheels on the
bottom, giving it an
extraordinarily

tight turning radius
so it can navigate
around furniture like
an Indy car. Once
again, Dyson leaves
his competitors in
the dust

THAT SPARKLE IN HER EYE

single-serving 187-milliliter bottles

of Casalnova prosecco ($16 for a four-
pack, check your local wine shop) are so
guests won't be able to re:
Throw a few in the cooler the next time
you entertain outdoors. For the record,
prosecco is a sparkling wine (a little drier
than champagne) made in Italy from

the grape of the same name.

VERONICA UNBOUND

Though best known for his signature
ie Comics, pio-
rlo also drew
bawdy pinup cartoons for 1950s maga-
zines. The Pin-Up Art of Dan DeCarlo ($19,
f :

nnocent way, giving
us a glimpse of what Betty and Veronica
may have been up to after graduation.

"The sign on the pavilic

bathers must wear one piece suits only

CALIENTE, BABY

If you've never been to Rosa Mexicano in New York and now D.C.,
put it on your list. On the menu: exotic Mexican cuisine, pomegran-
ate margaritas and plenty of ambience. Can't get a reservation
the restaurant's new line of salsas at home ($6 a jar, rosamexicano

сот). Our picks from the five choices: tomato chipotle (chipotle,

grilled tomatoes, tomatillos), salsa de piña (pineapple, jalapeño, cilan-
tro) and chile pasilla de oaxaca (chile pasilla, гааны garlic, tomatillos).

s his unique

ONE FOR THE AGES

Beauty is timeless. If ever there
were proof of the adage, this is
it: Pompeo Posar's iconic Rabbit
Head snapshot of our 1964 Play-
mate of the Year, Donna Michelle,
which you can now get inside

a shadow-box clock. What time
is it? Who cares? Life is a beauti-
ful thing. Other classic covers

set in the wood-framed clocks
are Larry Gordon's “Tattoo
Girl” Penny James from October
1966 and Richard Fegley's

“Afro Girl” Darine Stern from
October 1971. All are available
for $30 at playboystore.com.

MOD POD

Say hello to the most tech-laden key chain accessory you'll actually
use. The brains at Octave took a USB thumb drive, slapped a cam-
era and a microphone on it, added a couple of buttons and a
viewfinder and—voilà—the Multipod ($150, octave.com), a device
that can take 640x480-resolution pictures, record video, act as a
webcam, record v notes and store files. With only 128 mega-
bytes on board, it doesn't have room for your nephew's entire school
play, but when you think about it, that's a feature, not a bug.

WHERE AND HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 131

163

ШШех! Month

MISS AUGUST AND EVERYTHING AFTER.

END OF THE MOB— MOTHER OF MERCY, IS THIS REALLY THE
END OF RICO AND VITO AND JOE THE SCHNOZ? PULITZER
PRIZE WINNER JIMMY BRESLIN HITS THE STREETS TO CAP-
TURE THE PANIC IN MOBLAND. THEN NICK BRYANT EXPLORES
WHY THE FEDS HAVE SUPPRESSED AN EX-CAPO'S GRISLY
CONFESSIONS, AND CHARLES BRANDT SETS THE RECORD
STRAIGHT ON THE DEATH OF CRAZY JOEY GALLO. IT'S JUST
THE FIX YOU'LL NEED UNTIL THE SOPRANOS RETURNS.

POKER CRUISE—WE PONIED UP $10,200 TO SEND JOEL STEIN
TO THE PARTYPOKER.COM MILLION IV CRUISE, THE LARGEST
EVENT ON THE WORLD POKER TOUR. AFTER THREE DAYS OF
PLAY, POUNDS OF BUFFET FOOD AND A LOSS TO A STONER, HE
LEARNS A VALUABLE LESSON—HE'S NOT A VERY GOOD PLAYER.

VROOM VROOM—WE PAIR THE BEST MOTORCYCLES WITH THE
BEST JACKETS IN A PERFECT UNION OF POWER AND COOL.

EWAN MCGREGOR—HE'S MADE HEADLINES WITH MOULIN
ROUGE AND THE STAR WARS SAGA—AND FOR COMMENTS
SLAGGING FELLOW ACTORS (JIM CARREY) AND ALL OF LOS
ANGELES. WHAT'S NEXT? MORE UNABASHED REVELATIONS,
INCLUDING HOW HE LOST HIS VIRGINITY, WHY HE QUIT DRINK-
ING AT WORK AND WHY HE'S TERRIFIED OF WOMEN FROM
GLASGOW. A WILD PLAYBOY INTERVIEW BY STEPHEN REBELLO

THE MOTORCYCLE DIARIES: HIGH-OCTANE BIKES AND GEAR.

WHAT HAPPENS IN SIN CITY STAYS IN PLAYBOY.

ZUMANITY—UNINHIBITED AND EROTIC, ZUMANITY—THE
STEAMY SIDE OF CIRQUE DU SOLEIL—IS THE HOT SHOW IN
VEGAS THAT FEATURES THE MOST FLEXIBLE STARS. A DE-
BAUCHED PICTORIAL, EVEN BY SIN CITY STANDARDS.

OLD COURSE CLASSICS—WITH THE BRITISH OPEN BACK AT
ST. ANDREWS, THERE'S A CHANCE THAT HISTORY CAN BE MADE
ОМ ANY HOLE. HERE'S A RECAP OF THE MAGIC.

KATE HUDSON—WHAT MAKES GOLDIE'S GORGEOUS DAUGHTER
SAY, “IT'S NICE TO GET A SCRIPT WHERE YOU'RE BREATHING
HEAVILY RATHER THAN GIGGLING"? FIND OUT IN A HILARIOUS
200 BY ERIC SPITZNAGEL

THE WEIGHT OF THE MOON—CHAOS SNATCHES THE IN-
NOCENCE FROM A YOUNG GIRL IN A HAUNTING STORY BY
MADISON SMARTT BELL

PLAYBOY'S PRO FOOTBALL PREVIEW—WILL THE PATS RE-
PEAT? WILL RANDY MOSS BE HAPPY IN RAIDERLAND? CHECK
OUT OUR GUIDE TO THE NFL. BY RICK GOSSELIN

PLUS: HEF'S BIRTHDAY BASH AT THE MANSION, HIGH-ENERGY
SEX TALK WITH PLAYMATE MARKETA JANSKA AND A HI AND
HELLO TO MISS AUGUST, TAMARA WITMER.

Playboy (ISSN 0032-1478), July 2005, volume 52, number 7. Published monthly by Playboy in national and regional editions, Playboy, 680 North

Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611. Periodicals postage paid at Chicago, Illinois and at additional mailing office

Publications Май Sales Product Agreement No. 40
164 Playboy, PO. Box 2007, Harlan, Iowa 51

34. Subscriptions: in the U.S., $29.97 for 12 issues. Postmaster:

Canada Post Canadian
end address change to

7-4007. For subscription-related questions, call 800-999-4438, or e-mail circ@ny.playboy.com.

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking
Causes Lung Cancer, Heart Disease,
Emphysema, And May Complicate Pregnancy.

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