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MICHAEL 
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JEFF GREENFIELD 


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GOLF FASHION 


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Michelle Richmond provides our fiction 
this month with An Exciting New Career 
in Medicine, a story about a woman who 
gets a handle on life by joining the new 
field of medical masturbation. “There is 
akind of unnerving yet empowering dis- 
tance in that sexual act,” Richmond says. 
"But surely a faint echo of my frustration 
with the health care industry is in there, 
so in the end this may be a health care 
satire disguised as a hand-job story.” 


We sent celebrated Italian photogra- 
pher Guido Argentini home to capture 
natural beauties for Kissed by the Tus- 
can Sun, “| started out shooting in Tus- 
cany before | moved to America,” says 
Argentini. "No landscape is more gor- 
geous. Whenever women go outside, 
they are always more enthusiastic to 
pose. Their natural beauty interacts with 
nature to create something authentic, 
and it shows in the photographs.” 


Regular English seems to be a foreign 
language in Washington, D.C., where 
elected officials spew verbose politico 
speech every time they are put in 
front of a microphone. In search of a 
few plain-speaking politicians, CNN 
senior analyst Jeff Greenfield put 
together The No-Bullshit Caucus. 
“Politicians have always been inclined 
toward a flowery style of speech,” 
Greenfield says. “There is danger in 
plain talk, as one stray remark may be 
blown out of proportion by the 
press—especially in the instant, 24- 
hours-a-day mode. The folks | nomi- 
nate for the caucus speak with no fear 
of that, which projects a very attrac- 
tive self-confidence. | sense the pub- 
lic is so saturated with political babble 
that they are ready for something dif- 
ferent: ‘Just talk to us.” 


NS 


“Though it isn't as sexy as rock and roll or 
fashion, there is something alluring about 
the subculture of computer coders,” says 
Michael Gross. The author of 740 Park 
and self-proclaimed geek recounts the 
war over a domain name in The Taking 
of Sex.com. “When | first learned about 
the battle between the con man and the 
nerd, I envisioned a face-off between two 
gladiators, but | was soon swept up in 
the human drama of it all.” 


Ed Paschke, one of pLarsor's most 
admired contributing illustrators, died in 
November 2004. We bid farewell to the 
prolific rebel pop artist this month with 
his last work for the magazine, illustra- 
tions for Thom Jones's Diary of My 
Health. “He was a marvelous man,” says 
founding Art Director Art Paul. "He had a 
very personal relationship with his art.” 
Paschke leaves us with a treasury of 
works and some powerful thoughts. 
“Life is about rule breaking, about con- 
frontation," Paschke said. "Otherwise 
history would just stand still. Someone 
has to come along and break the rules 
and try, for whatever reason, to go about 
things in a different way. Even if it isa 
simple sense of adventure, a sense of 
exploration. You explore concepts and 
things that interest you, but you are also 
exploring inside of yourself." 


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vol. 53, no, 2—february 2006 


features 


68 


THE TAKING OF SEX.COM 
Sex.com was perhaps the most valuable address on the web. See how the 
site became a gold mine during the dot-com boom, then watch as the party 
implodes in a swirl of swinging, speed, spending an еп; ишу foncoroüs 
litigation between two men fighting to control it. BY ми 


THE BIG SHOW 
A jaundiced journey through the freaky world of 21st century bodybuilding, in 

which today's champions are, ES pumped up they make Arnold Schwarzenegger 
look like your mom. в 


THE NO-BULLSHIT CAUCUS 
Does everything out of Washington have to core laden with evasions, qualifications, 
special pleadings and out-and-out untruths? No. A handful of our politicians— 
John McCain, Dianne Feinstein, Barney Frank and others—deal in straight talk 
with a minimum of manipulation. BY JEFF F 


DIARY OF MY HEALTH 
The author of The Pugilist at Rest leaves no prescription unfilled as he uproariously 
details his manifold ailments and pharmacological reliefs. BY 


LOVE IS A MUCH REWRITTEN THING 
Even the world’s greatest love poets had to begin with first drafts. We've 
collected some of the false starts. BY JO 


OYSTER CULT 

Serving the world’s most celebrated aphrodisiac at a social gathering makes a 
more sensuous statement than passing out edible underpants. We share a few 
pearls of wisdom about preparing these sumptuous bivalves, BY AIME 


ES M. Y 


fiction 


AN EXCITING NEW CAREER IN MEDICINE 

After her sister's tragic death, a dexterous woman becomes a health professional 
specializing in hand jobs, now said to cure many ailments. Soon she finds 
there's more to healing than lube and Kleenex. В! E D 


the playboy forum 


OUR PILGRIM FANATICS 
Attitudes about sex, women and the Bible that were held by the religious 

fundamentalists who founded our country ity across the centuries as zealots 
seek to turn back history's clock. B 


208 


HUGH LAURIE 
He plays a sardonic doctor with a prickly bedside manner on House. Now the 

accomplished English actor dissects British colloquialisms, his status as the 
thinking woman's sex symbol and the Zen of boxing. BY DAVID 


interview 


AL FRANKEN 
The man who invented Stuart Smalley has turned into one of the country's strongest. 
liberal voices, becorning the public face of Air America Radio en route. We 

ask the Saturday Night Live veteran about how his self-proclaimed AI Franken 
Millennium is going, what motivated him to write Rush umbauen Isa Big Fat 
Idiot and who pisses him off the most. REN KA 


ER STORY 

After becoming the first winner on Amer- 
ica’s Next Top Model, the uninhibited 
Adrianne Curry up and stole Christopher 
Knight's heart on The Surreal Life. Now she 
gets loose-lipped about her reality show 
My Fair Brady and her spinout with super- 
model Tyra Banks. Senior Contributing 
Photographer Stephen Wayda serves Curry 
extra spicy. Our Rabbit goes for the gold. 


vol. 53, no, 2—february 2006 


EB. 
= 
pictorials AFTER HOURS 
2 KISSED BY THE MANTRACK 
TUSCAN SUN 
Explore the lush hills and fertile USA ЗӨ 
valleys of Tuscany while becoming 86 PARTY JOKES 
acquainted with these picturesque 2 MERE AMET EO 
belle donne. = 
EA rhe ON THE SCENE 
CASSANDRA LYNN GRAPEVINE 
Liberated of her clothing, the 3 
beauty nicknamed Butterfly ia 
can spread her wings and fly 
to new heights. ascites 
0 A TASTE OF CURRY 6 TEE IT UP 


America's next top model Adrianne 
Curry celebrates her surreal life 
with some provocative and 
deliciously un-Brady-like poses. 


notes and news 


THE WORLD OF PLAYBOY 
Nicollette Sheridan and other 
celebrities go ape at the Mansion's 
11th Annual Safari Brunch. 


THE GIRLS NEXT DOOR 
Hef and girlfriends Bridget, Kendra 
and Holly celebrate the success 
of their hit E! TV series. 


CENTERFOLDS ON SEX: 
CARA WAKELIN 

Miss November 1999 discusses 
what can go wrong while having 
sex in the backyard. 


PLAYMATE NEWS 

Lauren Anderson dons a tasty 
lettuce bikini and serves veggie 
hot dogs on Capitol Hill for animal 
rights; Jennifer Walcott gets the 
key to the city of Las Vegas. 


departments 


PLAYBILL 
DEAR PLAYBOY 


Get up to par with the latest golf 
clothes. BY J 1 DE 


TOP BOXERS 

Let her slip into something more 
comfortable, like a pair of your boxer 
shorts. JOSEP SETIS 


reviews 


MOVIES 

James Franco is a fighting-mad 
midshipman in Annapolis; Albert 
Brooks is Looking for Comedy 

in the Muslim World. 


DVDS 

The Aristocrats is no longer an 
inside joke; out-of-print DVDs that 
can fetch up to $1,000 each. 


GAMES 

Gun is the best Western game 
ever; with The Matrix: Path of 
Neo, the Wachowski brothers 
redeem themselves. 


MUSIC 

Yellowcard ventures beyond teen 
angst on its new album; catch 
the new wave of guitar rock. 


BOOKS 

The Female of the Species author 
Joyce Carol Oates on the art of 
violence; Hokum's black humor. 


DEPENDIENTE DE LA SECRETARIA DE GOBERNACION. MEXICO RESERVA DE DERECHOS Оа 2000-0717 10332800: 102 
PRINTED IN U.S.A. 


THE PLAYBOY BOOK H 


MOOG 31vIAAvTd IHL 


| VISUALLY 
| STIMULATING 


A. Between shimmering metallic covers are more than 
150 color and black & white photographs, the definitive 
collection of Helmut Newton nudes, You'll see the masters 
take on Playmates in Los Angeles, Nastassja Kinski play- 
ing out a fantasy with a doppelganger doll, a Lolita-esque 
travelogue, plus much more. Featuring a foreword by 
Hugh M. Hefner, an introduction by celebrated writer 
Walter Abish and an afterword by PLAYBOY'S Director 

of Photography, Gary Cole. Hardcover 9° x 12°. 

176 pages. 

10284 Playboy—Helmut Newton $40 


B. Relive PLAYBOY's first 50 years with this sweeping 
retrospective of the groundbreaking magazine that grew 
from Hugh Hefner's pet project into a cultural icon rec- 
‘ognized all over the world, As you thumb through this 
handsome updated and expanded version of the Playboy 
40 Years book you'll visit the Playboy Mansion, canoodle 
with Hef's delectable Bunnies, tour the DC-9 Big Bunny 
jet, experience the sizzling atmosphere of the Playboy 
Clubs, and—of course—admire every Playmate of the 
Month since the first issue (all 600 of them!). Featuring 
an introduction by Hugh Hefner. Hardcover. 9" x 12°. 

480 pages. 

10375 Playboy—50 Years $50 


C. This elegant anniversary volume captures six 
decades of sex, art and American culture as seen 
through the eyes of Andy Warhol, Bruce Weber, 
Helmut Newton and more of the world's greatest pho- 
tographers. More than 250 of the most memorable 
images ever published in the magazine appear in six 
chapters (The Celebrities, The Personalilies, The 
Playmates, The Lifestyle, The Art of PLAYBOY and The 
Covers), each featuring an introduction by longtime 
PLAYBOY insider James R. Petersen. Hardcover. 

9" x 12". 240 pages. 

4010 Playboy—50 Years: The Photographs $50 


D. Beginning with Marilyn Monroe and including more 
recent legends like Pamela Anderson and Anna Ni- 
cole Smith, this history of PLAYBOY Centerfolds profiles 
every Playmate from the 1950s through the newest 
beauties of the new millennium. Includes fantastic 
nude photos as well as updated personal information 
about their lives—just enough to spark your memory 

or pique your interest to see more. Hardcover, 9° x 12°. 
464 pages. 

10376 The Playmate Book: 50 Years $50 


E. This glorious collection contains more than 
400 hilarious cartoons by such luminaries as Buck 
Brown, Jack Cole, Eldon Dedini, Jules Feiffer, 
Shel Silverstein, Doug Sneyd and Gahan Wilson. 
Handpicked from the PLAYBOY archives by Hugh M. 
Hefner himsell, these cheeky takes on the sexual 
revolution, relationships, politics and more comprise 
an uproarious chronicle of PLAYBOY'S lighter side! 
Hardcover. 9" x 12", 368 pages, 

9197 Playboy—50 Years: The Cartoons $50 


To receive FREE standard shipping and handling 
in the U.S, only, enter, mention or include source 
code MG618 during payment! 

VISIT playboystore.com 

CALL 800-423-9494 


SEND check or money order to: 
PLAYBOY, Р.О. Box 809, Itasca, IL 60143-0809 


Sales tax: On orders shipped to NY add 8.375%, IL add 
6.75%, CA add 8.25%. (Canadian orders accepted.) 
Call the toll-free number above to request a Playboy 
catalog. We accept most major credit cards. 


FREE SHIPPING 


— a еэ hE 


COUR AGEOUS HUGH M. HEFNER 
a editor-in-chief 
CONTROVERSIAL: 
= 


CHRISTOPHER NAPOLITANO 
editorial director 
STEPHEN RANDALL deputy editor 
TOM STAEBLER art director 
GARY COLE photography director 
LEOPOLD FROEHLICH executive editor 
ROBERT LOVE editor at large 
JAMIE MALANOWSKI managing editor 


EDITORIAL 
FEATURES: AJ. BAIME articles editor; AMY GRACE LOYD literary editor FASHION: JOSEPH DE ACETIS 
director FORUM: CHIP ROWE senior editor MODERN LIVING: SCOTT ALEXANDER senior editor 
STAFF: ROBERT E. DE SALVO, TIMOTHY MOHR associate editors; DAVID PFISTER, JOSH ROBERTSON assistant 
edilors; VIVIAN COLON, HEATHER HAEBE, KENNY LULL editorial assistants; ROCKY RAKOVIC junior editor 
CARTOONS: MICHELLE URRY editor COPY: WINIFRED ORMOND Copy Chief; CAMILLE CAUTI associate сору 
chief; ROBERT HORNING, PABLO MORALES Copy editors RESEARCH: DAVID COHEN research director; BRENDAN 
BARR Senior researcher; Ar: BRADBURY, BRENDAN CUMMINGS, MICHAEL MATASSA. KON MOTTA, MATTHEW 
SHEPATIN researchers; MARK DURAN research librarian EDITORIAL PRODUCTION: MATT DE MAZZA 
assistant managing editor; VALERIE THOMAS manager READER SERVICE: MIKE OSTROWSKI correspondent 
CONTRIBUTING EDITORS: MARK BOAL (writer at large), KEVIN BUCKLEY. SIMON COOPER, GRETCHEN 
EDOREN, LAWRENCE GROBEL, KEN GROSS, JENNIFER RYAN JONES (FASHION), WARREN KALBACKER, ARTHUR 
KRETCHMER (AUTOMOTIVE), JONATHAN LITTMAN, JOE MORGENSTERN, JAMES R- PETERSEN, STEPHEN REBELLO, 
DAVID RENSIN, DAVID SHEFF. DAVID STEVENS, JOHN 0. THOMAS, ALICE К. TURNER 


HEIDI PARKER west coast edilor 


ART 
SCOTT ANDERSON, BRUCE HANSEN, CHET SUSKI, LEN WILLIS, ROB WILSON senior art directors; 
PAUL CHAN senior art assistant; JOANNA METZGER art assistant; 
CORTEZ WELLS art services coordinator; MALINA LEE senior art administrator 


PHOTOGRAPHY 
MARILYN GRABOWSKI west coast edilor; JIM LARSON managing editor; PATTY BEAUDET-FRANCES, KEVIN 
KUSTER, STEFHANIE MORRIS senior editors; MATT STEIGBIGEL associate editor; RENAY LARSON assistant 
editor; ARNY FREYTAG, STEPHEN waYba senior contributing photographers; GEORGE GEORGI 
staff photographer; RICHARD IZUL, MIZUNO, BYRON NEWMAN, GEN NISHINO, DAVID RAMS contributing 
photographers; sut wutre studio manager los angeles; BONNIE JEAN KENNY manager, photo library: 
KEVIN CRAIG manager, photo lab; PENNY EKKERT, KRYSTLE JOHNSON production coordinators 


Westerns from the Man 
Called “Bloody Sam” 


Е 


re " 


DIANE SILBERSTEIN publisher 


ADVERTISING 
nia en толатын sciarrzasiiae publisher; кон твн паш york manager HELEN suscita dine 


response advertising director; MARIE FIRNENO advertising operations director; KARA SARISKY 
‘Two-Disc Spocial Edition Two-Disc Spoclal Edition advertising coordinator NEW YORK: SHERI WARNKE southeast manager; BRIAN GEORGI consumer 
electronics manager; MELISSA MEANY, TONY SARDINAS, TRACY WISE account managers CHICAGO: WADE 
BAXTER midwest sales manager LOS ANGELES: PETE AUERBACH, COREY SPIEGEL west coast managers 
DETROIT: DAN COLEMAN detroit manager SAN FRANCISCO: ED MEAGHER northwest manager 


MARKETING 
Lisa NATALE associate publisherimarketing; JULIA LIGHT marketing services director; 
CHRISTOPHER SHOOLIS research director; DONNA TAVOSO creative services director 


PRODUCTION 
MARIA MANDIS director; JODY JURGETO production manager; CINDY FONTARELLI, DEBBIE TILLOU associate 
‘managers; CHAR KROWCZYK, BARB TEKIELA assistant managers: BILL BENWAY; SIMMIE WILLIAMS prepress 


3 
‚Own “em January 10 _ CIRCULATION 


7 
NV | LARRY A. DJERF newsstand sales director; PHYLLIS ROTUNNO subscription circulation director 
Watch the Sam Peckinpah Westerns on p 


| ADMINISTRATIVE 


B 
a] Warnerviceo.com P MARCIA TERRONES rights & permissions director 
Lied aar onra cre tate gene PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES INTERNATIONAL, INC. 
я | CHRISTIE HEFNER chairman, chief executive officer 


| JAMES P. RADTKE senior vice president and general manager 


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PLAYBOY 


HEF SIGHTINGS, MANSION FROLICS AND NIGHTLIFE NOTES 


ANIMAL HOUSE 

Desperate Housewives’ Nicollette Sheridan (left) hosted the 11th Annual Safari 
Brunch benefit held at the Mansion to support Wildlife WayStation, a wild-animal 
sanctuary. Actor Leonard Nimoy and his wife, Susan (below left), and astronaut 
Buzz Aldrin and his wife, Lois (below right), were among those who attended. 


ALL BOOKED UP 
Hef, accompanied by Kendra, Holly and Bridget, stopped by the 
Taschen bookstore in Beverly Hills to sign copies of The Playboy 
Book—50 Years. The hardcover coffee-table volume handsomely 
illustrates the history and evolution of pravoov. 


PLAYBOY EXPOSED 

PMOY Tiffany Fallon and a group of German Playmates 

were on hand for the opening of Playboy Exposed, an 

impressive exhibit of puaveoy photography on display 

at Harvey Nichols stores throughout the U.K. 

COTTON CLUB 

What does the man who has it all 
give his three TV-star girlfriends? 
A clothing line, of course. 
Following the 
enthusiastic ШШШ 
audience re- 
sponse to The 
Girls Next Door, 
Playboy cre- 
ated an epon- 
ymous fashion 
line reflecting 
the fun, flirty 
Playboy life- 
style Bridget, 
Holly and Ken- 
dra embody on ^ 
the show. The line is available at 
Playboystore.com and Virgin 
Megastores nationwide. 


NEXT DOOR 


Boro FEATURE Ч 
C so KELLY 
STEVE MONACO 


Hef and his girlfriends seem to be every- 
where, celebrating the success of The Girls 
Next Door. (1) Bridget, Kendra and Holly 
pose with their November cover. (2) The VIPs 
let loose at the Ringling Bros. circus in L.A. 
(3) A circus star greets Kendra. (4) Miss Decem- 
ber and Miss January at the circus. (5) Hef’ 
posse clowns around. (6) Mr. Playboy and his 
three ladies celebrate Bridget's birthday with a 


i murder-mystery party at the Mansion. (7) E! 


gossip king Ted Casablanca interviews Kendra, 
Holly and Bridget at the Mansion. (8) Jimmy 
Kimmel hosts Hef, the girls and Playmates on. 
the set of Jimmy Kimmel Live. (9) The Man and 
his girlfriends take New York. (10) With the 
hosts of The View. (11) Relaxing at Frederick's 
lounge with Playmates Lauren Michelle 

Hill and Pilar Lastra. (12) Playboy Chair- 
man and CEO Christie Hefner and the 
Editor-in-Chief. (13) Signing fans' issues 

at Virgin Megastores in New York and 
Chicago. (14) With Cyber Girl Monica 
Leigh at the Playboy offices. (15) Enjoying 
dinner at Japonais on Chicago Avenue. 


a 
KEEP WALKING 


66 READING THE ARTICLES ?? READING THE ARTICLES 


JOHNNIE WALKER 


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ШШ] o c + 


WONDERFUL NEIGHBORS 
Iam a wife and the mother of two 

little girls, as well as a PLAYBOY sub- 
scriber. My friends think I'm nuts, but 
I don't care. 1 had been waiting for the 
pictorial of Hef's girls (Girls Next Door, 
November), and it turned out wonder- 
fully. 1 TiVo The Girls Next Door on El, 
and the show is really funny. 

Penny Clark 

Prince Frederick, Maryland 


The girls are all beautiful, but Ken- 
dra steals the pictorial. She is fun and 
sexy and seems very genuine. 

Melissa Lisi 
Boca Raton, Florida 


‘Thank you for the beautiful photos. 
They look amazing. Congrats to Ken- 
dra, Holly and especially Bridget—her 
dream has come true. 

Sarah Oleary 
St. Louis, Missouri 


Гуе been a subscriber for a long time 
and stealing my dad's issues even lon- 
ger. I've never seen a better pictorial. 

Neal Rosenblat 
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania 


If you look at the shape of the 
girls’ arms on the November cover, it 


HOT NEW SHOW 


PHOTO FEATURE 


MO 
STEVE CARELL 


HARVEY PEKAR ANNE 


Bridget, Holly and Kendra go under covers. 


appears they are spelling out the bot- 
tom half of the three letters S-E-X. 
Frank Daugherty 
Columbus, Ohio 
Actually those are the bottom half of the 
first three letters of “subscribe.” 


I've always thought Hugh Hefner is 
adirty old man, but that view changed 
after watching The Girls Next Door. He 


P | 


is a kind man with a lot of morals. Hef 
deserves an apology—from me. 
Debra Reak 
Gilbert, Arizona 


a 


OIL'S WELL THAT ENDS WELL 
It has been a long time since I leafed 
through PLAYBOY, but articles like The 
Strange Heresies of Thomas Gold (Novem- 
ber) will keep me coming back. 
James Denton 
Columbia, South Carolina 


I'm no geologist, but your specula- 
tion about drilling into molten rock is 
misinformed. Rock doesn’t approach 
the melting point until much farther 
down than seven kilometers. The only 
way to see molten rock is to drill into 
an area where two tectonic plates are 
in contact and there is visible volcanic 
activity, as fictionalized in the 1965 
movie Crack in the World. 

Jerry Blahut 
Bensalem, Pennsylvania 

We used the term “molten rock” to signify 
the mantle, which may have caused confu- 
sion. Not all of the mantle is molten, but 
even the solid portions behave as a liquid, 
flowing and changing over time. 


CORNER POCKET 
Back in the 1960s and 1970s I shot 
pool with topless women in strip joints, 
but none was nearly as hot as Jennifer 
Barretta (Shoot to Kill, November). How 
could any guy concentrate on playing 
pool with Barretta as a coach? I'm sure 
that’s why those bouncy babes always 
kicked my ass at nine ball. 
Bob Fulford 
Clayton, California 


YOU CAN'T GO WRONG 
In August you labeled a photo of 
me in Playmate News with the name of 
Playmate Neferteri Shepherd. That is 
quite a mistake. How would you like 
to make it up to me? Should I give 
you a spanking? 
Serria Tawan 
Los Angeles, California 
For the first time in our history, every edi- 
tor on staff is taking credit for an error. 


THE POWER OF WORDS 

I enjoyed your Interview with Jamie 
Foxx (November) until he stated, "And 
1 don't want to tell you that my birth- 
day party was in the hood, but there 
was niggers at my birthday party.” By 
using that word in that context Foxx 
seems to validate Bill Cosby's criticism 
that he perpetuates negative racial ste- 
reotypes. Foxx seems to be all about 
the money, not about where he is or 


We б © 


how he got there. He may not аррге- 

ciate Cosby’s humor, but he would be 

wise to listen. He has lost me as a fan. 
Robert Karstens 
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania 


M 


I'd bet Foxx actually said "niggas." 
Only rednecks and racists use nigger, 
but even young white males call them- 
selves niggas. I'm not trying to glorify 


Jamie Foxx has c few things to point out. 


one of the most uncomfortable words 
in history, but speaking as a black man, 
I think only black people could have 
transformed such a slur into a friendly 
greeting among white people. 
Steve Goodwin 
Bronx, New York 


PLAYMATE SISTERS 
Raquel Gibson (Raquel's World Party, 
November) is the sexiest Playmate I've. 
seen in a long time. But how about a 
pictorial that includes Raquel's gor- 
geous sister, who appears with her in 
a photo on the Data Shect? 
Matthew Savener 
Lincoln, Nebraska 


I've been longing to see an exotic 
Playmate, and Gibson is masarap in my 
ocular world. My wife is from Pampanga, 
and if Raquel knows anything about 
Filipino chefs, she knows the best origi- 
nate there. Come join us for the best 
asado, adobo and pancit around. 

Scott Brann 
Arnold, California 


CARTOON COMPLAINT 

In the November issue one of your 
cartoons shows a white woman strad- 
dling a nude Native American male, 


PLASYROY 


INSTANT ACCESS 


ZOOM IN 
haa JEN] 
QUICK LINKS 
ee ei) 


Just go to 
www.playboydigital.com 


with the caption suggesting they had 
sex after sharing a peace pipe. The pipe 
is never used to smoke mind-altering 
drugs; it is used to smoke tobacco to 
carry prayers. It would also never be 
present when people are having sex, 
nor be left on the ground. It is impor- 
tant for people to have a sense of humor 
about themselves, and many of your 
other cartoons depicting Native Ameri- 
cans are okay. To avoid misunderstand- 
ings, it is best to leave jokes about other 
races or cultures to be told by members 
of that race or culture. I would encour- 
age PLAYBOY to consult with Native 
Americans before presenting content 
that may be deemed offensive. 
DaShanne Stokes 
Boston, Massachusetts 
You mean like a committee? Talk about 
killing a joke. 


MENTAL BREAKDOWN 
So even the big guys cry. As a card- 

carrying member of Raider Nation, I 
applaud your profile of Barret Rob- 
bins, who suffers from bipolar disor- 
der (Down Lineman, November). It 
clears up a lot of misconceptions about 
Robbins’s problems before and after 
the 2003 Super Bowl. If any good 
can come from his tragedy, it may be 
that bipolar disorder will no longer be 
ignored or misdiagnosed. 

Mike Bell 

Tampa, Florida 


READY, AIM, FIRE 

Unless he enjoys being knocked on 

his ass, the right-handed shooter in 

High Fashion (November) should not 
stand with his right foot forward. 
Frank Duncan 

Sellersburg, Indiana 


HOT TO TROT 
Thanks for Dancing Queen (Novem- 
ber) with Kelly Monaco of recent Danc- 
ing With the Stars fame. My wife and I 
love to catch Kelly on General Hospital, 
but now I can’t watch without getting 
aroused. Thanks a lot. 
Patrick Holley 
Augusta, Georgia 


OVER THERE 
We keep three Centerfolds on a wall. 
With each new issue, everyone takes a 
vote—does the Playmate deserve a spot 
on our wall of fame? The top three are 
Miss February, Miss August and Miss 
September, but it was a close vote with 
Miss March and Miss May. It is a tough 
challenge each month. 
Kevin Bronson 
Dale Jesseph 
Camp Adder, Iraq 


Your response to Chris Schnack and 
Jason Peck, the Christian students who 


said they would bring down PLAYBOY, 

is perfect (Dear Playboy, November). 1 

wonder if they wrote that letter to any 

of the other men's magazines that keep 

us sane over here in the sandbox. 
Christopher Whalen 
Balad, Iraq 


THE PRIVATE ELVIS 
If Byron Raphael was as close to Elvis 

Presley as he claims (in Bed With Elvis, 

November), his memoir is a poor tes- 

tament to their friendship. Next time 

pick on someone who can fight back. 
Wayne Christensen 
Riddle, Oregon 


Evidently you muckrakers haven't 
heard of de mortuis nil nist bonum. You 
even manage to besmirch Natalie Wood 
and Juliet Prowse. 

Ken Shelton 
Brookings, Oregon 


You write that Presley and Marilyn 
Monroe were “perhaps the two most 


Elvis has left the bedraam. 


famous people who ever lived.” That's 
a big perhaps. Adolf Hitler and Jesus 
Christ come to mind. 
Colquitt Old 
"Thermalito, California 


Presley could not have kept that life- 
style a secret. Some of the girls would 
have sold their stories. I also assume 
that by “younger girls” Raphael means 
underage. If Presley was paying them 
$1,000, Raphael was pimping minors. 

Richard Noakes Sr. 
Dearborn Heights, Michigan 

We were not referring to minors. How- 
ever, it’s hard to overlook the fact that Elvis 
began dating Priscilla when she was 14, 
and she moved in with him when she was 
16. That is hardly news to hard-core fans. 


E-mail via the web at LETTERS.PLAYBOY.COM Or write: 730 FIFTH AVENUE, NEW YORK, NEW YORK 10019. 


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Babe of the Month 


Monica Hansen 


THIS STRIKING VIKING IS A NORSE TO BE RECKONED 


Seconds after answering the phone at her mother’s house in 
Norway, Monica Hansen is grunting. “Ø,” she says with a shy 
Euro-giggle, spelling the name of her hometown, Tønsberg. 
“We have the letter ø, pronounced *oeeuuhgr.' It makes you 
sound like a pervert." That's a new one; from now on we'll 
blame our uncouth grunts on the Norwegian alphabet. Now a 
swimsuit and lingerie model worshipped the world over, Hansen 
once pulled a no-show as Miss Norway: "I won Miss Norway, 
but on the way to the airport to fly to Florida for the Miss 
Universe pageant I got really sick,” she explains. “I had been 
passing a lot of gallstones.” Hansen emerged from the ordeal 
short a gallbladder but lucky to be alive. Her run on the brawling 


“American men are into 
boobs, which is a good thing 
because | have them.” 


WITH 


show Battle Dome was less demanding. “Му name was Monica 
Fox, and I didn't fight,” she says. “The audience was crazy—l 
remember this boy, probably five years old, with a sign that 
read MONICA FOX, I WANT YouR Box. | thought, What have I gotten 
myself into?” Horny toddlers aside, Hansen likes the atten- 
tion she gets in Los Angeles. “Scandinavian men don’t 
appreciate breasts,” she says. “American men are into boobs, 
which is a good thing for me because I have them.” She 
pauses for another Euro-giggle, as if her perfect C-cups 
needed the introduction. “And they're heavy! If I'm going to 
carry around these heavy accessories, at least someone can 
appreciate them.” Some...pervert, maybe? 


[afterhours 


Over the Borderline 


TOMMY LEE JONES FILMS A TEX-MEX TALE OF DEATH AND SURVIVAL 


The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada 
has horses, rifles, spurs, boots and the 
Rio Grande—but it’s not a Western. “I've 
always found the term kind of hollow,” 
says director and star Tommy Lee Jones. 
“It's a label that has become a stigma. 
I'm interested in making movies about my 
country and its history, and almost inevita- 
bly that’s going to involve horses and big 
hats." In Jones's film, which won awards at 
Cannes and opens stateside this month, a 
bereaved west Texan leads an unrepentant 
murderer into Mexico to bury the man he 
killed. It appears at first blush to be a story 
about the modern problems of the Texas- 
Mexico border, but once the trigger-happy 
border patrolman and the undocumented 
sheepherder have their fatal run-in, things 


take a turn toward the epic. The quest to 
find the dead man’s family and home, an 
obscure village called Jiménez, is more 
Odyssey than Red River. “We thought 
we would be well served by a classic—or 
classical—narrative form," says Jones, 
who also cites Jean-Luc Goderd, Akira 
Kurosawa and author Flannery O'Connor 
as influences. “The film begins in a bad 
place, with a hero who doesn’t know him- 
self or the world very well and finds that 
events have conspired to send him on 
a journey. It takes him through a series 
of events—some life-threatening, some 
funny, some mysterious—to a good place, 
where the character learns who he is and 
where he is. It’s a form that has been used 
for thousands of years.” 


Television Vamp 
REFLECTIONS ON SITCOM SUCCESS 
FOR A GIRL WE’VE SEEN UNDRESSED 


This is a poem for Jaime Pressly, 

Of whom we're fond, eyes, lips and breastsly, 

Who in life is as sweet as Nestle, 

Who on My Name Is Earl outfunnies Leslie 

Nielsen, playing an ex-wife more oppressive 
than oppress'dly, 

A conniver, a schemer and infernally pestly, 

But for Jaime's beauty and talent we say 
expressly, 

We love her more than Elvis Costello. 


ЕЕ 


Love Potion No. 1 
OUR FAVORITE SPELL- 


BINDER IS BACK WITH A 
POTENT POTABLE 


SU 


1 


A well-mixed cocktail is a kind 
of love potion in itself, but this 
Valentine's Day you can try 
something more authentic: a 
brew concocted for us by white 
wîtch Fiona Horne, last seen in 
her Spellbinder pictorial in our 
October issue. You'll need: 


25 в dried damiana (a sacred 
South American herb) 

500 ml premium vodka 

% cup honey 

Champagne 

Strawberry juice 


Soak damiana leaves in vodka 
for five days. Separate vodka 
from leaves by pouring through a 
strainer and conical filter paper; 
discard leaves. Slowly stir honey 
into the vodka in a sunwise 
(clockwise) direction. 

Visualize yourself and the 
girl you desire making passion- 
ate love and chant these words: 
“Aphrodite, hear my plea. [Her 
name] madly desires me. So 
must it be, so must it be.” When 
the honey is dissolved, set the 
vodka infusion in the fridge. 

On the night of your rendezvous, 
light vanilla-scented candles. In 
a shaker with ice, mix two parts 
infused vodka with one part cham- 
pagne and a splash of strawberry 
juice. Repeat your love chant as 
you pour the potion into a martini 
glass. Serve with chocolate. 

“Damiana is an herb of seduc- 
tion, honey sweetens desire, 
champagne is sacred to Aphrodite, 
and strawberries bring love,” Fiona 
says. “Remember, all acts of plea- 
sure are sacred to the Goddess.” 


Sunshine Superman 


LSI D 


C LD INVEI AITH 


In 1938, working as a plant chemist for Sandoz's pharmaceuti- 
cal lab in Switzerland, Dr. Albert Hofmann synthesized lysergic 
acid diethylamide-25 from an ergot fungus. Not until five years 
later, after accidentally ingesting the stuff, did Hofmann realize 
he'd created a wickedly powerful hallucinogen. We talked to him 
about his “problem child" on the eve of his 100th birthday. 
PLAYBOY: How did you come to invent LSD? 

HOFMANN: | had synthesized an alkaloid that stopped postpar- 
tum bleeding by causing uterine contractions. | prepared many 
other alkaloids, and one was lysergic acid diethylamide, or LSD. | 
was looking for a circulatory heart-lung stimulant. 

PLAYBOY: What did you think after your first LSD experience? 
HOFMANN: | was immediately convinced that LSD would become 
an important tool in psychiatric research and therapy, but 1 did 
not imagine it could become a party drug, a pleasure drug. 
PLAYBOY: Did LSD's popularity in the late 1960s trouble you? 
HOFMANN: No, but | had mixed feelings. | was not surprised 
that it became a ritual drug in the youth antiestablishment move- 
ment, but | was shocked by irresponsible use that resulted in 
mental catastrophes. That’s what gave the health authorities a 
pretext for totally prohibiting its production, possession and use. 
PLAYBOY: Were you surprised at how it changed the culture? 
HOFMANN: Not at all, because LSD sharpens and intensifies 
all our senses, producing a worldview closer to the objective 
reality—the wonders of life—than the dull daily experience. 
PLAYBOY: How did you feel about Timothy Leary? 

HOFMANN: Leary proposed and gave LSD to people who were 
too young, people whose mental structures were still evolving and 


who were not yet stable enough to integrate the new and over- 
whelming insights produced by LSD. What Leary did contributed 
to the prohibition of LSD and the end of scientific research. 
PLAYBOY: You've called LSD your problem child. Will it ever be 
resurrected and assume a place in our therapeutic arsenal? 
HOFMANN: Problem children often grow up to be illustrious 
personalities. LSD is developing in this direction. 


Ask the Girls Next Door р 
pea = ‘ 


= 
ar 
& 


Eyes on the Eyes 


When Matt Lauer pressed Presi- 
dent Bush on l'affaire Plame at a 
Louisiana photo op, some viewers 
detected excessive nervous blink- 
age. Boston College professor 
Joseph Tecce, a blinking expert, 
says Bush kept his cool, with just 
23 blinks per minute. How much 
is a lot? Try the Bush vs. Gore 
debate in which W's bpm soared 
to a frantic 116. 


Is Valentine's Day important? 

Holly: | love it. If you're dating somebody, you 
should acknowledge it with flowers or a card. 
Acknowledging holidays, especially mushy 
holidays, doesn't come naturally to a guy. So 
when he does, that tells me I'm special. 
Bridget: Not really. | think it's kind of a 
made-up holiday. I'd rather you surprise 
me with flowers on a random day. There 
shouldn't be a specific day when there's so 
much pressure to go out of your way and 
you're in the doghouse if you don’t. 
Kendra: | really like Valentine's Day, but it 
doesn't have to be a big deal. All I look for 
is asimple “I love you.” 

What do you like to get? 

Holly: Red or white roses. Roses are more 
romantic than a mixed bouquet. Getting candy 
sucks because I'm usually watching my figure 
and | don't want to feel any pressure to eat it. 
Bridget: | love orange roses and orchids. 
Kendra: | don't like flowers; they're just 
going to rot. If | get flowers, I'll just throw 
them away. But really, I'd like you to say 
something from your heart. Just write me a 


poem. Chocolate is 

good too. | eat it in two seconds. 

What kind of restaurant should a man 
take you to? 

Holly: You can't go wrong with Italian food 
and a bottle of wine. But you can do any- 
thing—even stay home and order pizza—as 
long as it's something you're both into. 
Bridget: Italian food and wine. Wine is 
romantic because you sip it. It's not like a 
cocktail that you just slam. 

Kendra: Take me to a steak house. | love 
Italian restaurants, but that's what every- 
one does on Valentine's Day. Be different. 
For me, a steak with a glass of wine is very 
romantic. Or you could cook me something. 
Make me some lasagna and put on some 
sexy music, like Sade. And don't worry: If 
you burn the dinner, at least you tried. That 
means something to me. 


21 


22 


[afterhours 


Cheerleader of the Month 


Patriotic Beauty 


L THE M 


PLAYBOY: What made you want to be a cheerleader? 

JIE: | like to perform in front of a crowd, and I've danced all my 
life. There really isn't much work for a professional dancer, so 
1 decided to become an NFL cheerleader. 

PLAYBOY: What kind of dancing did you do? 

JIE; Growing up in China I did ballet, and then when I came over 
here, at 13, | went through a tough transition to hip-hop and jazz. 
PLAYBOY: Is there much cheerleading in China? 

JIE: No. | had to explain it to my relatives. | told them it's just 
like dancing, and then they were very supportive. The Patriots 
actually launched a Chinese website this season, and on it I 
post weekly journal entries about cheerleading. 

PLAYBOY: Sounds like you're an ambassador. 

JIE: The sport of football is completely foreign to the Chinese. 
But the NFL has been trying to tap into that huge audience, 
and people there are getting excited about it. I'd like to see 
more Chinese girls become cheerleaders so instead of being an 
ambassador | would be a trendsetter. 

PLAYBOY: In China are there more Patriots fans or Jie Ralls fans? 
JIE: Right now there are probably more Jie Ralls fans, because 
they can see my picture on the website. | think that will turn 
them into Patriots fans. 


Employee of the Month candidates: Send pictures to Playboy Photography Department, Attn: 
Employee of the Month, 680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611. Must be at least 
18 years old. Must send photoccpies of a driver's license and another valid ID (not a credit care), 
оге of which must include a current photo. 


Game Off 


PLAYBOY’S GUIDE TO THE LOST SPORTS OF THE 
WINTER OLYMPICS 


Some sports have been glamour events at the winter Olym- 
pics ever since the games began in 1924, but these four 
had their day in the frost and then got iced. 

Skijoring (1928): This event—skiing while being pulled by 
horses—turned pristine St. Moritz into a steaming pile of 
Wyoming. Even today, skijorers (often towed by dogs, not 
horses) hope to bring their sport back to the games. 

Sled Dog Racing (1932): Prospectors returning from Alaska 
and the Yukon in the 1920s sparked a brief dogsledding 
craze; demand for the sport was even high enough to sup- 
port professional mushers—NASDOG, if you will. 
Eisstockschiessen (1936, 1964): Competitors grab a thing 
by its handle and slide it across ice—but it's not curling. 
Eisstockschiessen-loving Bavarians and Tyroleans included 
the game in their respective Olympics, but the rest of the 
world felt one version of ice bocce was boring enough. 
Bandy (1952): With 11-man teams competing on a foot- 
ball-field-size ice surface, this hockey precursor dates back 
to at least the 16th century. Although bandy is less violent 
than hockey, its hard rubber ball is just as good as a puck 
for tooth removal. 


Tip Sheet 


sniffer's row \SNIF-erz rol n, stripper slang for the 
row of seats nearest the stage at a strip club. 


EDITORS HONOR A GEM 
FROM PLAYBOY’S PAST 


PLAYBOY 


At a recent meeting of the Ameri- ) 
can Society of Magazine Editors, 
this image from the October 1971 
issue of PLavBoY was named one 
of the best covers of the past 40 
years. It was devised by Senior Art 
Director Len Willis, who will cel- 
ebrate his 40th year on PLAYBOY'S 
staff in 2006, and shot by Richard 
Fegley. The model, Darine Stern, 
was the first black woman to ap- 
pear on the magazine's cover. 


Grin and Bare It 


52% of American adults admit to having posed nude for a camera. 


Well Krafted | Sexual IQ 


On average, an American 44% of women say they 
eats 8 grilled cheese | can’t enjoy sex with a 
sandwiches each year. less intelligent partner. 


Executive Robert 
McCormick charged 
$241,000 to his 
American Express 
corporate card 

at Scores, a New 
York strip club. 

He disputed all 
but $20,000. 


Beer Money 
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention says 
that raising the price of beer 20 cents would cut 
gonorrhea rates among young adults by almost 9%. 


Most Cushion Kicks 


Acting Irresponsibly 
2% Proportion of scenes show- 

O ing characters practicing safe 
sex, in movies with the top box-office 
grosses of the past 20 years. 


Twelve-year-old tae kwon do student Michael 
Hoffman managed to kick a cushion 2,377 times 
in one hour, or once every 1.5 seconds. The cush- 
ion had to be held by someone who was at least 
5 feet 9 inches tall, and Hoffman's foot had to 
touch the floor after each kick. 


Extended 
Play 


Cow Tripping 
3 The world's first biogas train is run- 
Since Halo 2's ning in Sweden. The fuel comes 
debut, in Novem- | from dead cows, with one cow pow- 
ber 2004, gamers | ering the train for about 2.5 miles. 


have spent an 
aggregate of " е 
21,000 years Jail Bird 
playing the 

MA, popular Xbox title. 


' for a painting. 


Accused of robbery and shooting with 
an intent to kill, Eric James Torpy 
secured a 30-year prison term, but 
the Celtics fan wanted his sentence 
to match his favorite player's number. 
"He said if he was going to go down, 
he was going down in Larry Bird's 
jersey," the judge said. The court 
extended his sentence to 33 years. 


Money | Speak n 
Ticket Spend 


According to insurance | $414 billion: Total 
company Progressive, | annual spending 
3596 of Americans controlled by func- 
would change political | tionally illiterate 
parties for $500. consumers. 


$40,411 

Paid on eBay 
he ofa vagina 
from the HBO 
series Sex and 
the City. The 
prudish Char- 
lotte (Kristin 
Davis) sits for 
the intimate 
portrait during 
the show's 
first season. 


PLAYBOYSTORE.COM 


> — 


| 
j 


ANNAPOLIS 


Testosterone fuels James Franco's biggest role 


On paper, anyway, Annapolis packs some of the against 
all-odds elements that made a 1982 Oscar-winning hit 
of that old-school favorite An Officer and a Gentleman. 
James Franco takes the Richard Gere-esque centerpiece 
role of a blue-collar Academy newbie put through hell by 
his hard-assed commanding officer, Tyrese Gibson, while 
Jordana Brewster plays a strong woman who helps knock 
the chip off his shoulder. Only this time, the movie—directed 
by Justin Lin, who sparked a sensation with his 2002 indie 
flick Better Luck Tomorrow—goes heavier on boxing 
than romance. In fact, the film's showstopper has Franco 
and Gibson going for blood in the ring in a surprisingly 
convincing sequence. Says Lin, 

“When | first met James, he was “ 

just the skinny kid from Spider- "The way Franco 
Man, but he worked out for six transformed 


months, training every day at himself was 
four or five A.M., even when we 


were shooting. Ive been around Ul believable." 
sports my whole life, and the 

way he transformed himself was unbelievable.” It also helps 
that Franco and co-star Gibson look very willing to beat the 
crap out of each other. “There is a lot of testosterone in this 
movie, and that's the way it should be," says Lin. "I don't. 
care if they hated each other or if they wanted to kill each. 
other. All the energy just worked. At the end of the day, our 
goal was to make the best movie." — Stephen Rebello 


ШШ Road 

Luke) In this fact-based 
E basketball film set in the mid- 1960s, a coach (Lucas) 
inspires a group of disenfranchised students to become the 
nation’s first African American starting lineup. Prepare to be up- 
lifted when they score a spectacular win over an all-white team. 


Our call: A slam dunk only for 


those who haven't OD'd on the 
slew of inspirational under- 
dog sports sagas that includes 
Remember the Titans, Friday 
Night Lights and Coach Carter. 


Factotum 

ei) This version of Charles 
Bukowski’s darkly funny novel features Dillon as a brilliant, 
grungy hell-raiser who keeps himself afloat by working odd 
jobs. In his spare time he manages to bed a succession of aim- 
less women and write stories nobody's in a rush to publish. 


Our call: Read the novel 
instead—it's terrific. And since 
Bukowski cultists are easily 
offended, this flick might pro- 
voke some of them to howl and 
hurl things at the screen. 


Eight Below 
Intrepid rescuers 


race to save a pack of sled dogs after an accident and brutal icy 
weather have forced three explorers to leave the animals behind. 
Inspired by a true story, this is an Americanized version of Ant- 
arctica, one of the most successful Japanese films of all time. 


Our call: Even the toughest 
guys have a soft spot for dogs 
in distress. Disney returns to 
its roots with an old-fashioned 
animal adventure—think Old 
Yeller without the Kleenex. 


Looking for Comedy i in the Muslim World 

Brooks's latest 
showcases him as a comic cae to India a Pakistan by State 
Department boneheads hoping to learn what tickles Muslims" 
funny bones. The fact that India happens to be mostly Hindu is 
just one of the movie's jabs at American cluelessness. 


Our call: Film execs and crit- 
ics have cringed at the politi- 
cally incorrect title. Lighten up, 
guys—it's satire. And even on 
his off days, Brooks is one of 
the funniest men alive. 


25 


26 


reviews 


| THE ARISTOCRATS 


It's dirty, it's vile, it's lame—and comics can't get enough of it 


“А man walks into a talent agent's office and says, 1 have an act...’ 


Thus begins 


the joke known as the Aristocrats. It's the dirtiest, funniest, lamest joke, and until 
last year not many people had heard it except working comedians—and they don't 
tell it onstage because the punch line is distractingly bad. Instead it's become like 
a secret handshake shared after hours as comedians try to top each other with 


outrageous riffs on scatol- 
ogy, bestiality, incest and sod- 
omy—whatever pops into their 
twisted frontal lobes. Penn 
Jillette (of Penn & Teller) and 
director and comedian Paul 
Provenza had the brainstorm 
that it would be instructive to 
invite more than 100 comics 
to tell the joke and put it into 
context. The most outrageous 
bit is Gilbert Gottfried’s fear- 
less telling at a Friars Club 
toast for our own Hef, who 
clearly gets the joke. Extras: 
Amateur contest versions, 
commentary and alternate 
lakes. УУУ; —Buzz McClain 


FLIGHTPLAN (2005) Jodie Foster escaped 
the panic room, but can she step off the pan- 
ic plane? It seerns the former Oscar chaser 
is now hell-bent on dominating a unique 
new subgenre of claustrophobic mom-and- 
daughter-in-peril nail-biters. Here again in 
wet-mother-hen mode, she tries to con- 
vince her fellow flight passengers that 
someone has kidnapped her daugh- 
ter—a six-year-old whom nobody remem- 
bers, suggesting a suspiciously high 
number of ADD 
sufferers onboard. 
What's next, Pan- 
ic Elevator? Ex- 
tras: Making-of 
feature, filmmaker 
commentary. ¥¥ 

—Robert B. DeSalvo 


THE EXORCISM OF EMILY ROSE (2005) 
A no-nonsense lawyer (Laura Linney) is 
hired to defend a priest held responsible 
for a young girl's death during an exorcism. 
The story leapfrogs from deafening flash- 
backs to courtroom hokum, making your 
head spin faster than Linda Blair's. The 
film plays more 
like a tedious Law 
& Order episode 
than a bona fide 
frightfest. Extras: 
A featurette on the 
true story. ¥ 
—Stacie Hougland 


YOUNG MR. LINCOLN (1939) When 
Henry Fonda told director John Ford that 
he felt unable to portray as great a man 
as Abraham Lincoln, Ford famously shot 
back, “You think you'd be playing the 
Great Emancipator? He's a goddamn jake- 
legged lawyer in Springfield, for Christ's 
sake!” Ford's film is still very much a work 
of Hollywood hagiography on the early 
days of Honest Abe, who uses his mix of 
country smarts and book learning to 
defend two young innocents charged with 
murder. But it is nonetheless superb and 


As a romantic royal in both Princess Diaries movies (2001, 2004), doeeyed ingenue 
Anne Hathaway became a tween idol. With a stage-actress mother and the same name 
as William Shakespeare's wife, she does seem upper-crust through and through—she 
most recently starred in Ang Lee's Brokeback Mountain (2005) and will next appear in a 


exciting entertainment. Extras: Criterion's 
edition has archival interviews with Ford 
and Fonda, a stills gallery, a new essay 
by critic Geoffrey 
O'Brien and an 
audio dramatiza- 
tion of the story 
produced for radio, 
with Fonda repris- 
ing his role. УУУУ 

—Matt Steigbigel 


THE CONSTANT GARDENER (2005) A 
timid diplomat (Ralph Fiennes) tries to 
solve the murder of his activist wife (Ra- 
chel Weisz) by digging into her past. Based 
on a John le Carré novel, the film is a fas- 
cinating journey for Fiennes as his wife 
pulls him into her cause from beyond the 
grave. Extras: AE 
Embracing Africa 1 
featurette and a 
page-to-screen 
chat with the di- 
rector and the 
novelist. ¥¥¥¥ 
—Greg Fagan 


THE ROCKFORD FILES: SEASON ONE 
(1974) One of the most influential private- 
eye TV series gets a first-class DVD debut. 
Jim Rockford (James Garner) is aman with 
a passion for closed cases. He lives in a 
broken-down trailer by the beach and regu- 
larly gets stiffed by clients and beaten up. 
for asking too many questions. Luckily, he 
has a lawyer girlfriend, an ex-con best 
friend, a meddle- 
some dad and a 
still catchy theme 
song. Extras: Gar- 
ner reminisces 
about Rockford's 
origins. ¥¥¥ 

—Bryan Reesman 


film version of the chickdit 
best-seller The Devil Wears 
Prada (2006). But as a 
bored, rich teen in the 
racy drama Havoc (2005, 
pictured), Hathaway grows 
up fast, shedding more 
than just her tiara for a 
fleabag-motel blunt bang in 
which she gets the royal 
treatment from a gang 
member. Its a career 180 
that warrants a peek inside 
her back pages. 


reviews [ games 


GUN ] 


Gaming finally gets its Wild Bunch 


When it comes to video games, you can never have enough 
of two things: cowboys and pirates. And while we have yet 
to see a quality unsanitized pirate game, for the time 
being we can console ourselves with Gun (GameCube, 
PC, PS2, 360, Xbox). Riding into town like a vengeful 
stranger, it's the first no-gimmicks, nobullshit, high-touch 
and high-test Western game—call it Grand Theft Mus- 
tang. Free-roaming, engrossing and decidedly not for the 
kiddies, Gun's story-based quests mingle with copious 
side missions, all set amid the pristine vistas and chaotic 
frontier towns of the old West. In keeping with the times, 
you'll get to know two things extremely well: your gun 
and your horse. Whether you're more excited by shoot- 
ing down foes at full gallop, trampling the innocent, chal- 
lenging other hombres to gunfights, escorting a precious 
“whore wagon” from town to town or collecting bounties 
on wanted bandits, you'll appreciate the high-end writing 
and voice acting of a game that takes its subject matter 
seriously. After years of tolerating gimmicky or just plain 
cruddy stabs at translating frontier life toa game, we 
finally have our first Peckinpah-worthy effort. Play it on 
360 if you can. ¥¥¥¥ —Chris Hudak 


NEED FOR SPEED: MOST WANTED 
(GameCube, PC, PS2, 360, Xbox) This 
time around, after you win your illegal 
street races, you have to ditch the 
cops. A beefier story line and the adren- 
aline-soaked police pursuits almost take 
our mind off the lack of drift events. 
Can't take the heat? Stay out of the 
Mustang. УУУУ —Adam Rosen 


PRINCE OF PERSIA: THE TWO 
THRONES (GameCube, PC, PS2, Xbox) 
The agile royal wraps up his amazing tril- 
gem his third game in as many years. 
A fugitive on the streets of a ravaged 
Babylon, he must team with his evil alter 
ego, the Dark Prince. An amazing end to a 
series that's a high-water mark for advern- 
ture gaming. УУУУ» —Marc Saltzman 


ELECTROPLANKTON (Nintendo DS) 
You don't play this; you mess with it, 
launching tiny digital plankton into gyrat- 
ing, dancing life using music created 
by swiping and prodding the portable's 
touch screen. Different creatures can 
sample, loop and lay down bass lines— 
and it's every bit as weird and wonderful 
as it sounds. ¥¥¥ —Brian Crecente 


THE MATRIX: PATH OF NEO (PC, PS2, 
Xbox) This is “the One.” That is, the 
Matrix game that redeems previous 
disasters and fulfills the franchise's 
promise. Work your way through the 
three movies in bullet time, smacking 
down dozens of Smiths and expe- 
riencing your favorite fight scenes 
from the inside. УУУУ; —B.C. 


KING KONG (GameCube, PC, PS2, 
360, Xbox) This intense single-player 
adventure puts you in firstperson per- 
spective as Jack Driscoll, who's trying to 
keep the expedition team alive by foiling 
dinosaurs on Skull Island. Then the cam- 
era shifts to the third person, and you're 
capping T. rexes as Kong himself. Pure 
gaming magic. УУУУ —M.S. 


TRUE CRIME: NEW YORK CITY 
(GameCube, PS2, Xbox) Taking down 
New York City's four crime farnilies? All in 
a day's work for an undercover NYPD 
cop. Plausibility aside, this sequel's 
improved controls and gameplay offer 
fighting, shooting and driving in 26 
square miles of replicated Manhattan. 
Good, gritty fun. ¥¥¥ — —John Gaudiosi 


50 CENT: BULLETPROOF (PS2, Xbox) 
Is there anything 50 Cent can't do? Bul- 
letproof explores what would have hap- 
pened if Fiddy and pals had decided to 
fight gangs instead of write songs about 
them. An engaging story with tons of 
heavy artillery, smooth moves, a roster 
of exclusive songs and plenty of room 
for personal style. ¥¥¥ —/.б. 


HAMMER & SICKLE (PC) Step into 
behind-theines intrigue at the birth of 
the Cold War when the Soviet Union 
sends a spy into British- and American- 
occupied Germany in the spring of 
1949. Wear the right disguises, make 
the right friends and polish your battle 
skills to survive this deeply tactical 
action-points-based game. ¥¥¥ —C.H. 


WHERE AND HOW TO BLY ON PAGE 123. 


27 


28 


reviews music 


Г SOLID GOLD | 


Yellowcard's return offers more than angst 


Blame Blink-182 for the rash of moody rock bands. 
Between the fart jokes on their 1999 album, Enema of 
the State, the punk pranksters slipped in "Adam's Song," 
an emotional ode to a fan who committed suicide. The 
track became a blueprint for bands such as Simple Plan 
and Taking Back Sunday, who built entire albums around 
the formula, tagging melancholy verses to overwrought 
choruses. Yellowcard’s Ocean Avenue was the biggest 
of those efforts. The SoCal group's sound, augmented 
by a violinist, played off all the pre-20s angst, pushing 
the album to double platinum and earning the band a 
performance spot on the MTV Video Music Awards. On 
this follow-up, Lights and Sounds, Yellowcard comes out 
from behind the loud guitars and relies on piano, acoustic 
guitars, trumpet and, of course, violin. Not that the group 
doesn't still have the same energy. "Rough Landing, 
Holly” blasts like a better Jimmy Eat World tune, while 
the antiwar “Two Weeks From Twenty” could have fit on 
American Idiot. And if Green Day can survive teen angst, 
why not Yellowcard? (Capitol) ¥¥¥ —Јаѕоп Buhrmester 


BILLY BRAGG * Volume 1 Boxed Set 

Not since Woody Guthrie (whose work 
Bragg would tackle, with Wilco, on his 
Mermaid Avenue projects) had an acous- 
tic guitar sounded as punk rock as it does 
on Bragg's early albums, reissued here. In 
an era of self-absorbed singer-songwriter 
boys, it's worth exhuming a real working- 
class hero. (Yep Roc) ¥¥¥ = —Tim Mohr 


ANDERSON/DRAKE/PARKER 

Blue Winter 

This two-CD concert captures the jazz trio 
in warm surroundings. Drummer Hamid 
Drake and saxophonist Fred Anderson have 
long had a telepathic connection while play- 
ing, but the surprise here is how William 
Parker's bass pushes the pair to new elabo- 
rations. (Eremite) ¥¥¥ — Leopold Froehlich 


Enough with the rock duos and stripped faux-garage sound. 
We're predicting that this year, in reaction to all the minimalism 
of the past few, we'll see a new set of 1980s bands canonized 
and imitated: Ride, My Bloody Valentine and Slowdive, the most 
successful of the so-called shoegazing bands that emerged late 
in the decade. Their aesthetic was diametrically opposed to 
what's been going on in the rock scene of late. These British acts 
buried pop melodies and vocal harmonies beneath layer upon 


WE ARE SCIENTISTS 

With Love and Squalor 

Here's a worthy U.S. response tothe U.K.’s 
angular-guitar movement. WAS combines 
Franz Ferdinand percussion, the cascad- 
ing guitars and soaring sound of U2 and a 
touch of emo intensity. The result: a more 
driving version of the Killers, minus the 
cheesy synths. (Virgin) ¥¥¥ —IM. 


LIL FLIP * 1 Need Mine 

Discovered as a teen by the legendary 
DJ Screw, Flip is known in Houston as 
the Freestyle King. Here he adds to the 
Houston legend with an unpredictable 
but refreshing mix of club and street, 
offering further proof that H-Town gets 
all the hype for good reason. Perfect rid- 
ing music. (Sony Urban) узу; —LF 


layer of guitar noise, giving the effect of the Beatles playing in 
a wind tunnel. They're still around: Ride's Mark Gardener issued 
a lowkey solo LP in October, MBV's Kevin Shields set the tone of 
the atmospheric Lost in Translation soundtrack, and Slowdive's 
principals release mellow Americana as Mojave 3. But with impres- 
sive albums on the way from a slew of young bands—including 
Film School and Ambulance LTD—influenced by this triumvirate, 
it's time we saw a fullon revival of complex, layered guitar rock. 


reviews [ books 


american classics 


[ JOYCE CAROL OATES ] 


The author of The Female of the Species examines the art of violence 


Q: Each of the stories in your new collection features a woman who, when 
pushed to extremes, commits violence or has violence done to her. But they are 
not femmes fatales, or are they? 
A: These are women who might be described as so complicit in their exploitation 
by men that their blamelessness is doubtful. If women are attracted to sexually 
forceful, domineering men, can they reasonably expect not to be “threatened” by 
these men eventually? | wanted to create realistically ambiguous—and ambiva- 
lent—women who don't always know exactly 
what they want from men or what they intend 
in their relationships and may wind up, to their 
dismay, both “victims” and “predators.” 
Q: You've written extensively on boxing. What 
draws you to it? And to what conclusions did 
your research, including your conversations 
with Mike Tyson, bring you? 
A: | was introduced to boxing as a young girl by 
my father, who took me to the Golden Gloves 
championships in Buffalo. Boxing possesses the 
allure—unpredictable, dangerous, sometimes 
heartrending—of that ultramasculine world. 
Tyson was the boxer | knew best, in the late 
1980s. He was an extraordinary athlete and also 
a historian of his sport: Mike had seen every 
film of his major predecessors and remembered 
them all. What has happened to Tyson, much 
of it a consequence of his own self-destructive 
nature but not all, has been an ongoing American tragedy shading into a dispiriting 
farce—reminiscent, in its very different way, of the tragic end of Marilyn Monroe. 
Q: Your novel Blonde takes on Monroe's life. What does she represent for you? 
A: My interest in her was almost entirely my interest in the young Norma Jeane Baker, 
first as a child, then as a young woman trapped in the glittering persona of “the 
Blonde.” As Norma Jeane, in pictures taken when she was a teenager, she reminded 
me of girls I'd gone to school with and even of my young mother, in a long-ago 
America still shaken by memories of the Depression and in the throes of World War Il. 
Q: You've written more than a hundred books. Why do you write so much? 
A: For me, writing represents both an intellectual and an emotional challenge, and 
each work of fiction is a unique problem to be solved. 


ARTHUR & GEORGE * Julian Barnes 

Sherlock Holmes creator Arthur Conan 
Doyle (one of this novel's eponymous pro- 
tagonists) believed that a writer's responsi- 
bilities were “firstly, to be intelligible; 
secondly, to be interesting; and thirdly, 
to be clever." Barnes is three for three 
by Doyle's score in this immensely enter- 
taining tale of a Birmingham solicitor, 
unfairly convicted of mutilating live- 
stock, and the famous author who cham- 
pioned his pardon. The main problem 
with Barnes's writing 
has always been a nar- 
rative aloofness; here it 
works to his advantage. 
He doesn't so much 
inhabit Arthur and 
George as follow them 
around like an invisible 
Dr. Watson. Clever dick. 
УУУУ —Bill Vourvoulias 


HAPPINESS: A HISTORY 

Darrin M. McMahon 

This expansive intellectual history traces 
mankind's quest for an elusive, possibly 
nonexistent state of being. The ancient 
Greeks thought human happiness came 
from enduring the vagaries of fate. To 
attract converts, Christian fathers 
preached eternal happiness in the after- 
life. But that was too far off for 18th 
century revolutionaries, who promised 
immediate gratification once the mon- 
archs were overthrown. 
Today we are told hap- 
piness is an inalienable 
right, but we are still 
searching. The author 
succeeds in his desire 
to make this forever 
“unexamined assump- 
tion appear strange.” 
yvy Май Steigbigel 


In many ways, 
‚American culture 
has been built on 
the backs of Af- 
rican Americans. 
Hokum, an anthol- 
ogy of black wit 
that features per- 
sonalities as di- 
verse as Zora Neale Hurston and 
Spike Lee, reaffirms the resusci- 
tative value of humor. Here are a 
few examples: 


“| sought the hotel where I had sent 
my baggage. The clerk scowled. 
"What do you want?' he asked. 
‘Rest,’ | said. ‘This is a white hotel," 
he said. | looked around. ‘Such a 
color scheme requires a great deal 
of cleaning," | said, ‘but ! don't know 
that | object.'” —W.E.B. Du Bois 


“But in the South, 
nobody gets 
scalped. They just 
get coldcocked. 
Of course, them 
robes the Klan 
sports around in 
is not as pretty as 
the feathers Indi- 
ans used to wear, but they is more 
scary.” —Langston Hughes 


"How would you make a Venetian 
blind?’ He scratched his head and 
thought a few seconds, then finally 
replied, ‘Well, | reck'n 'bout de 
easiest way would be to poke him 
in de eye." —Anonymous 


THE TERROR * David Andress 
As the French Revolution proceeded from 
the hopeful egalitarianism of 1789 to the 
desperate Revolutionary Tribunal of 1793, 
the architects of change sought new 
ways to enact their republican vision. With 
the guillotine, they struck on an effective 
new method to dehumanize enemies of 
the revolution: terror. "Terror is nothing 
other than justice—prompt, severe, inflex- 
ible,” said Robespierre. "It is therefore 
an emanation of virtue." Terror allowed 
the revolutionaries to 
invent an entirely new 
world. Ancress's brilliant. 
history of the French 
Revolution also shows 
how the madness of 
the sansculottes is lit- 
tle different from the 
madness of jihad. Yyyy 
—Leopold Froehlich 


23 


What sort of man wears Playboy? 


9 y 


Y 


КЕ 


PLAYBOYSTORE.COM 


HEY, 


= cR 


Sugar Mountain 


PERSONAL 


Life is sweet at Badrutt’s in St. Moritz—the ultimate chalet in the ultimate ski town 


HOTELIER HANS BADRUTT got his start in the late 1850s when he overheard a group of Englishmen bemoaning their departure for 
London after a summer foray to the Swiss Alps. He challenged them to return to St. Moritz for New Year's, offering to pay for their trip 
if there was less sunshine there in winter than in summer. Badrutt won the bet. Since then St. Moritz has grown into one of the most 
glamorous and sophisticated ski towns in the world. And Badrutt's Palace (above), with its incredible views and luxuriously appointed 
rooms, which go for $200 to $15,000 a night, has become the grande dame of the town's exclusive hotels. Winter sports were born 
here, and the Corviglia, Corvatsch and Diavolezza ski runs are as amazing as ever. While a complete run on one of these trails can take 
hours, along the way are frequent ski-up bars full of lovely blondes to fortify you. Looking for a heavier adrenaline rush? Try the historic 
Cresta run, where you hurtle headfirst at up to 80 miles an hour on a skeleton-style toboggan down a bobsled course first made in 1885. 
And those are just the sports you expect. Turns out snow doesn't slow these people down. In the middle of winter, skydiving, golf and 
horse racing are all still on the menu. If this is too much testosterone for your lady friend, don't panic. St. Moritz is home to some of the 
world's most extravagant shopping. Okay, maybe you should panic just a wee bit. For more info, log on to badruttspalace.com. 


Hot Cocktails 


Irish coffee recipes are like opinions—everybody 
has one. Here’s ours: Mix one tablespoon of brown 
sugar and one shot of Jameson into a cup of 
X freshly brewed coffee of the decent sort, topped 
ЗЕБ with frothed milk. For a Mexican coffee, pour опе 
shot of Agavero (a tequila liqueur) into a cup of hot java 
and dollop with a spoonful of foam. When was the last 
time you had a hot buttered rum? You're missing out. 
Toss one ounce each of gold rum and dark rum and one 
teaspoon of butter into a mug. Top with hot cider and 
stir with a cinnamon stick. And for a little lift before you 
get on the lift, try a snow cap: Layer equal parts of 
tequila and Baileys in a shot glass and shoot it down. 


About Time 


THE SWISS are known for 
cheese with holes in it and 
watches. Nobody does ei- 
ther better. As for the latter, 
IWC's Grande Complica- 
tion with a platinum band 
and case ($300,000, iwc 
.com) is a true work of art. 
Each of its 659 mechanical 
pieces is made by hand us- 
ing tiny lathes. What time 
is it? Who cares? We can't 
take our eyes off the thing. 


32 


z= MANTRACK 


f o o d i 


Sweet Spot 


YOU CAN'T GIVE HER another little heart-shaped box for 
Valentine's Day—that idea is so stale, you might as well give 
her Tupperware. Premier French chocolatier Richart freshens 
things up with its Chocolate Vault ($825, richart.com). The 
burled-wood chest resembles a humidor but is stuffed with 
TI2 bites flown in from Lyon; its seven refillable trays each 
Present a genre of delicately balanced pieces in balsamic, 
roasted nut, fruit, citrus, herbal, floral and spice flavors. 


The Art of Writing 


EACH OF THE 12 limited-edition fountain pens in Visconti’s Mazzi collection has an airbrushed painting on it—a noble Masai warrior, 


the sleek contour of a great white shark, the curve of a beautiful woman’s lower back. 


icture« infonia Rossa (“Red Symphony,” 


above, $88S) and La Regina (“the Queen,” below, $950). The pens are finished in polished silver and gold. Use yours to write anovel 
about a desperate man in search of a very expensive pen that fell out of his pocket in a taxi. For inspiration check out visconti.it. 


WHEN SONY STARTED making computers in 1996, it also 
made an implicit promise: It would use its lifestyle-oriented 
expertise to close the gap between computers and consumer 
electronics. The VAIO XLI Digital Living System ($2,300, 
sonystyle.com) accomplishes the task. It’s a media-center PC 
designed to go in your stereo cabinet, but its secret weapon 
is a DVD carousel changer that speaks fluent computer. Fill it 
with 200 CDs and rip them all at once. Fill it with DVDs and 
it will index them so you can browse by title or director. Fill it 
with blank DVDs and burn entire seasons of television shows 
in a single keystroke. We hope you have a comfy couch, 


WSE E GC СӘ ah oy A Gb Sch o io x oim 


All the Buzz 


LOOK AT THE VESPA. Look at the Mini Cooper. Small and quirky equals fun. 
Now with the FAA's new light sport aircraft, or LSA, category, shrunken sport 
transportation takes to the air. Playfully designed and highly impractical, the 
Flight Design CTSW ($89,000, flightdesignusa.com) is a carbon-fiber and Kev- 
lar LSA suited to sprightly 138 mph cruises with an adventurous lass. Should 
the poop hit the propeller, the CT can pop an emergency parachute that low- 
ers the entire craft to the ground. And after just 20 hours behind the stick with 
X. an instructor, you can take that baby 10,000 feet yonder into the blue. 


Mix Master 


YOU SPOT A PARCHED WOMAN on the street. You can tell she's had a long day. What 
do you do? Duck into a phone booth, peel off your suit and voilà! You're Super Bartender, 
able to mix tall drinks in a single bound. You approach her with your 14-piece Bar Brief- 
case ($680, unicahorne.com)—designed by Carl Mertens and complete with stainless steel 
shaker, strainer, bar spoon, knife, cutting board, pockets for office stuff, the works—and 
begin mixing a martini with the gin you magically pull from your pocket. Drink in hand, she 
asks, “How can 1 ever thank you, Super Bartender?" You answer, “Six bucks, please.” 


A Sofa With Balls 


“WE HAD A PROBLEM with regular sofas,” says designer Amit 
Axelrod, "They're ell the same shape.” Axelrod and his partner 
wanted to make furniture that fit its users’ moods but found 
that static designs couldn't keep up. So they created the Feel 
couch. The name is corny, but the couch is not. 
Made of 120 connected fabric- 
covered foam balls, it can 
be reconfigured at will by 
hooking the black connec- 
tors together in different 
patterns to suit your needs. 
Weave it into whatever blob- 
like shape you want, then 
take a load off. It’s available with 

14- or 20-centimeter balls ($1,000 and 


$2,950, animicausa.com). WHERE AND HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 123. 


ADVERTISEMENT 


“My Boyfriend’s SECRET 
... for Amazing SEX!” 


N s a faithful reader of your magazine, | just had to tell your 


readers about a recent experience | had with my 
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First, let me just say he is a great guy. But, after dating for six 
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Thankfully, | didn't have to make a difficult decision because 
everything changed a few days ago. | came home from work and 
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door. Right there on the stairs he practically pounced on me. 
Confident, aggressive, he made all the right moves. | definitely felt 
sensations I'd never felt before ... in places | forgot existed. We 
made love for what seemed like an eternity. | never knew what some of my friends 
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honestly say it was the best sex I've ever had in my entire life!" 1 fe eli t 

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wouldn't answer me. So | did what any red-blooded American woman would do, | sensa tions 
started snooping. It didn't take me long to figure out his secret. In his underwear D 
drawer under the "men's magazines," was a tube of Maxoderm Connection. After I d never fel t 


prevent any disease. 


reading the fine print and finding the website, | went online to maxodermct.com to 
discover more about this magic in a tube. befor e 

Maxoderm Connection (of which I'm having my boyfriend buy a lifetime 3 $ 
supply) is a lotion that is applied topically to either the clitoris or the penis. An all ...In p laces 2 
natural mix of herbs and who knows what, brings blood flow straight to the source - 1 fo. rgot E 


and my orgasms go through the roof! We aren't into taking pills of any kind - not A РД РД 
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that's definitely what's going on at our place - ALL the time! 

So ... please print this letter. Anyone who wants to experience mind-blowing 
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ihe Playb 


My girlfriend and I broke up for a few 
months. After we got back together I 
found out she had slept with another 
guy. Can you explain how this can infu- 
riate me and turn me on at the same 
time?—].H., Buffalo, New York 

Focus on the turn-on. You like the idea that 
your girlfriend is desirable to other men, and 
it’s arousing to imagine her responding as a 
purely sexual being as well. But when you 
start io think of her having an emotional con- 
nection (e.g., saying his name), the insecurity, 
anger and fear kick in. Your girlfriend had 
a choice, and she chose you. Appreciate that 
reality and have fun with the fantasy. 


Whenever I meet an attractive у. 1 
challenge him то a game (typically 
poker) in which clothing is removed. I 
can't lose. It’s thrilling to see him get 
red in the face when he must remove his 
boxers, but it’s also arousing to see his 
boyish excitement if I must remove my 
bra and panties. The fun continues 
when we see each other again, either at 
work or wherever we hang out. I smirk 
because he has seen me nude or because 
I know he is thinking, Damn, she saw 
me naked, and I didn't get to see her 
naked. I play each guy only once so we 
never get even. I get a rush from doing 
this but worry it will get me in trouble, 
especially since I am about to get mar- 
ried. How unusual is this, and how can 
I stop?—L.R., Bellevue, Washington 

Assuming this isn't a bluff, yours is an 
unusual variation of a common sexual inter- 
est in control, domination and humiliation. 
You should inform your fiancé of your tastes, 
though he isn't likely to be comfortable with 
continued poker dates. (How did you meet 
him, by the way? And how does he keep your 
interest?) You could easily rechannel this 
sexual energy into any variety of dominant- 
submissive activities, and if that doesn't work 
out, it makes a great vaudeville act. 


Im 29, and my hairline is receding at a 
frightening rate. The hair-restoration 
industry has ads everywhere claiming the 
days of hair plugs are gone. Is there any 
truth to this?—J.S., New York, New York 

Transplants have become smaller (hair fol- 
licles are transplanted from the back or side 
of the head in groups of two or three rather 
than 15 to 20), which means they can be 
placed closer together to provide a more natu- 
ral look. But the smaller and more numer- 
ous the grafts, the more delicate the operation 
and the greater the chance the follicles will 
be damaged. That's why the procedure costs 
thousands of dollars. Nonsurgical solutions 
include Rogaine (rubbed on your scalp) and 
Propecia (a daily pill), which slow hair loss 
by blocking the production of DHT, a form 
of testosterone that causes male-pattern bald- 
ness. These treatments are most effective on 


the crown. Meanwhile, science marches on. 
Researchers have discovered that manipulat- 
ing a gene in bald mice causes their hair to 
start growing. The gene also exists in humans, 
so the hope is that it could eventually lead to 
a cure for androgenetic alopecia, or inher- 
ited baldness—by far the most common type. 
Researchers are also working on cloning hair 
cells in the lab that can be injected into the 
scalp. But in a University of Toronto experi- 
ment that tried this, only four of 23 subjects 
grew hair, and only one ended up with what 
the lead researcher called a “nice tuft.” Nev- 
ertheless, the transplant chain Bosley Medical 
and the British biotech firm Intercytex say they 
could have “cellular-based hair-multiplication 
technology” available as soon as 2008. 


My most recent relationship was with 
a deeply religious guy. He's 25, still 
lives with his parents and swears he has 
never masturbated or watched a porno. 
Although he finger-banged me all the 
time, he refused to let me do anything to 
him, saying he considered it against his 
values. Eventually what little we had fiz- 
zled, but 1 wonder if I should have been 
easier on him. All I get from my girl- 
friends when I talk about this is puzzled 
looks.—A.M., Hot Springs, Arkansas 

You're also getting one from us. Your ex 
sounds deeply conflicted. You shouldn’t waste 
апу more energy on him. 


M, wife has placed me on what she refers 
to as a penis-points system. I accumulate 
points for good deeds such as emptying 
the dishwasher, making breakfast and 
giving her a back rub. I was hesitant at 
first, but it turned out to be a great idea. A 
hand job costs 10 points, 15 points earns 
me a blow job, 30 points intercourse and 


ILLUSTRATION BY ISTVAN BANYAl 


y Advisor 


100 points any fantasy I want. My ques- 
tion is, should I hoard my points or con- 
tinue to cash them in? One nice thing 
about this system is that it allows me to 
gauge the horniness of my wife. For 
example, this past week she gave me 10 
points and a bonus B] for getting her a 
glass of water.—C.S., Wichita, Kansas 

Most couples barter for sex, even if it's not 
so overt. We suggest you throw a wrench into 
the system. Every third or fourth time your 
wife awards you points, decline them by say- 
ing, “There’s no charge. I love making you 
happy.” You may find that the best things in 
life are free. Ideally, she should be working for 
pussy points, but we're sure you would give 
them out like candy. 


I would like to expand my grilling to 
include fish, but I have no experience 
buying it. How do you know if fish is 
fresh?—M.T., Toronto, Ontario 

The best place to find something fresh is a fish 
market; supermarkets don't usually have the 
best choices, which are reserved for restaurants. 
You also need to see the entire fish—i's difficult 
to judge the freshness ofa fillet. The flesh should 
be firm and spring back when you press it, and 
your finger should not leave a mark. The scales 
should not be broken, which can be a sign of 
age or mishandling. The gills should be red, not 
purple. The eyes should be clear and bulging, 
and the guts should smell like the sea, without 
any hint of ammonia. The freshest fish often 
have a thin layer of slime on them. Since even 
the freshest market fish has probably been ont of 
the water for at least 36 hours before you bring 
it home, it’s best to eat it on the same day ox, at 
most, within two days. 


A co-worker closes his door for 20 min- 
utes every day so he can meditate. He 
says I should give it a try, but it seems 
like a hassle. Is there any advantage to 
meditation?—N.G., Detroit, Michigan 
Buddhists have thought so for at least 
2,500 years, and they may be onto something. 
Researchers at the University of Wisconsin 
wanted to see if meditation caused physical 
changes to the brain, so they used an MRI 
machine to monitor eight Tibetan monks who 
had each practiced meditation for 10,000 
to 50,000 hours over 15 to 40 years. While 
meditating on unconditional compassion, the 
monks produced the highest level of gamma 
waves—the brain impulses associated with 
happiness, mental awareness and coordi- 
naled thinking—ever recorded in healthy 
people. Even when they weren't meditating, 
the monks had more gamma activity than 
a control group of novices. This and other 
studies indicate that meditation sharpens the 
mind in the same way that exercise tones the 
body—a radical concept, as scientists have 
long believed that connections among the 
brain’s nerve cells become fixed in childhood. 
Can meditation lead to better sex? Perhaps. In 


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her book Sex for One, Betty Dodson describes 
taking her daily 40-minute meditation to 
a new level by chanting her mantra while 
touching herself with a vibrator: She calls her 
sessions, which conclude with orgasm, tran- 
scendental masturbation. Sex researchers at 
Rutgers University who monitored Dodson’s 
brain while she meditated in a lab found that 
she entered a daydream-like state during her 
extended masturbation and a deeper, trance- 
like state just before she came. 


My wife and 1 often argue by e-mail. I 
think it’s better because you have time 
to think before you speak. Plus when we 
see each other again, the issue has been 
resolved. What do you think?—B.R., 
Riverside, California 

e like it, as long as you aren't typing 
with your caps lock on. But it does limit the 
effectiveness of our favorite defense, which 
is “I never said that.” What’s important, 
however, may nol be the medium but your 
approach. Psychologist John Gottman of the 
University of Washington has studied more 
than 600 married couples and how they 
fight. He divides couples who stay together 
into three types: avoiders, who agree not 
to discuss their disagreements; attackers, 
who bicker about seemingly everythin 
and soothers, who choose their battles, lis- 
ten respectfully and respond with gentle 
persuasion. According to Gottman, most 
marriages have trouble only when spouses 
have conflicting styles. For example, sooth- 
ers overwhelm avoiders, and soothers and 
attackers reach a standstill. The worst com- 
bination is avoider and attacker. Gottman 
also found that among couples who stay 
together, the positive remarks they make 
to each other, during fights or otherwise, 
outnumber their negative comments by at 
least a five-to-one margin. E-mail certainly 
makes that easier to tally. 


Û wear button-down shirts to work but can't 
stand to have the sleeves down. Now I am 
concerned that co-workers think I am too 
casual. Is it okay to roll up your sleeves? 
What does it say about you?—C.C., San 
Francisco, California 

Our fashion director, Joseph De Acetis, 
says you should never roll up your sleeves or 
unbutton your cuffs at the office. If you must, 
roll your sleeves over no more than once. Con- 
sider switching to dress shirts made of stretch 
fabric, such as those by Prada, Liz Claiborne 
or Brooks Brothers. The sleeves will be more 
comfortable, so you won't feel the need. 


My girlfriend claims she needs to be 
dominant to enjoy sex, so she ties me up 
a lot. I don't mind her being in control, 
but it also means I can't touch her. This 
past week she left me bound in the bed- 
room. When I called out, she came back 
and gagged me. I was angry and a little 
afraid. I spent 90 minutes trying to get 
frec. When she saw that I had tried to 
escape, she lit into me, then devoured 
me. The sex was amazing, but I am wor- 
ried. What if she decides to leave me for 


longer periods? When I tell her how I 
feel, she calls me a sissy and asks if the sex 
isn't good.—D.T., Kansas City, Missouri 

The sex may be great, but the setup needs 
work. Before you do this again, establish a 
safe word that ends play immediately when 
uttered by either partner. This ensures that no 
one crosses boundaries, and it can also pre- 
vent injuries. For example, if your girlfriend 
ties her knots so tight that they cut off your 
circulation, you have no way of convincing 
her that you are not just being a “sissy.” If 
she won't agree to a safe word, or if you agree 
оп one and she then ignores it, you should not 
allow her to bind you in any way. 


A reader wrote in October to ask how to 
get better range on his wireless network. 
Your suggestions are good, but he may also 
want to change the 2.4-gigahertz channel 
on his router. (The factory default is six.) 
Ifhe and his neighbors have their routers 
on the same channel, it can cause interfer- 
ence. Also if he has a 2.4-gigahertz phone, 
he should dump it for a 5.8-gigahertz 
one.—K. Euless, Texas 
Thanks, Good advice. 


What is the best way to clean sex 
toys?—A.C., LaGrange, Illinois 

Most toys can be cleaned with a warm, 
damp cloth and antibacterial soap. If it has 
a nonporous surface, such as silicone or 
Pyrex-like glass, and it doesn't have a motor 
or plastic parts, you can boil it for five to 10 
minutes or run it through a dishwasher in 
the top rack. Air-dry the toy before storing it. 
The easiest way to heep porous toys such as 
rubber dildos clean is to place a condom over 
them during use. 


Vr engaged to be married, and everyone 
in my family says they love my fiancée, 
but she has a huge problem with them 
because they are still in contact with my 
ex-wife. My ex and I have a good relation- 
ship, in part because we share custody of 
our six-year-old son. My fiancée, who is 
divorced as well, believes my family should 
cut all ties with my ex out of respect for 
our relationship. How do 1 convince 
them that by staying in touch with her 
they are hurting my future wife as well as 
me?—J.M., Milwaukee, Wisconsin 

Are you kidding? Neither you nor your 


fiancée has any right to demand this, espe- 


cially as it involves the mother of your family’s 
grandchild and nephew. We hope your third 
wife has a better attitude. 


All reasonable questions—from fashion, food 
and drink, stereos and sports cars to dating 
dilemmas, taste and etiquette—will be per- 
sonally answered if the writer includes a 
self-addressed, stamped envelope. The most 
interesting, pertinent questions will be pre- 
sented on these pages each month. Write the 
Playboy Advisor, 730 Fifth Avenue, New 
York, New York 10019, or send e-mail by 
visiting our website at playboyadvisor.com. 


THE PLAYBOY FORUM 


seen it before, in the early 17th century, when a 

group of extremists sought to transform England 
into a theocracy governed by a strict interpretation of 
scripture. These were the Protestants who later landed 
at Plymouth Rock and are revered in the United States 
as the Pilgrim fathers. 

Their story begins in Scrooby, Nottinghamshire. 
This was the birthplace of William Brewster, leader 
of the small band that eventually sailed to America 
on the Mayflower. William Bradford, an orphan from 
nearby Austerfield, later became the colony’s second 
governor and provided its only firsthand chronicle, Of 
Plimoth Plantation. Other members of the group came 
from local villages. 

Brewster had become interested in radical religious 


Ros fundamentalism is nothing new. We've 


would be banned, men and women would be forced to 
dress in a sober and godly way and, above all, the Bible 
would become the foundation of society. 

Among the draconian measures Brewster and his 
associates at Plymouth later introduced was a law that 
prohibited living alone; solitude was seen as a breed- 
img ground for sin and antisocial behavior. Children and 
women (always a favorite target of male religious fanat- 
ics) were treated with shocking severity. A statute on the 
books in the Plymouth colony allowed the execution of 
minors who disobeyed their parents. 

By demanding religious freedom and a spiritual life 
outside the Church of England, the Separatists lit a match 
that threatened to ignite English society. When caught by 
authorities, members had their nostrils slit, their right 
cars cut off and the letters $$ (for “stirrer of sedition”) 


rcform while studying at 
Cambridge University in 
the 1570s. After leaving. 
he served as an assistant to 
one of the most powerful 

cians of the day, Sir 

m Davison. But Davi- 
son, who served the death 
warrant of Mary, Queen of 
Scots, suffered a spectacular 
fall from grace, and Brew- 
ster returned to Scrooby 
a broken man. There he 
found God. To make a 
ing, Brewster took over hi 
father’s job as village post- 
master and devoted the 
rest of his time to creating 
a new world order ruled 
by God’s word—with him- 
self, perhaps inevitably, as 
its first leader. 

He began by establish- 
ing an underground cell, 
a small group of men who 
met in secret in the villages 
around Scrooby, Known 
as the Separatists because 
they planned to found a 
church outside the Church 
of England, they formed 
the core of the group of 
pilgrims who would found 
a new country across the 
Atlantic. In their funda- 
mentalist theocracy, pubs 
would be closed, maypole 


branded on their forchcads. 
At Clink prison in London 
(the Abu Ghraib of 16th 
century England) they were 
chained, tortured and 
beaten as they stood knee- 
deep in fetid water. 

In 1608 Brewster and 
14 adults and children, 
including William Brad- 
ford and his family, fled 
to Amsterdam on the first 
leg ofa journey that would 
end at the Plymouth col- 
опу 12 years later. All but 
four of the 41 “saints” who 
sailed on the Mayflower 
had previously been in 
the Netherlands. 

Much as London has 
now become a home to the 
jihad, 17th century Amster- 
dam was a haven for Prot- 
estant fundamentalists, 
including another group of 
religious firebrands known 
as the Ancient Brethren. 
Numbering about 300, they 
lived communally. Like the 
Taliban, they wore their 
beards long. Their spiritual 
leader was Robert Browne, 
a Cambridge intellectual 
and radical pastor. Two 
of the leading members, 

y brothers George and Fran- 
{ cis Johnson, had done time 
in London's torture cells. 


dancing and gambling 


The sect was a minefield of personal 
feuds, theological battles, poverty and 
sexual tension. Soon Brewster and his 
group were sucked in. At the center of 
the storm was what religious funda- 
mentalists, most particularly the men, 
fear most: female sexuality. Like the 
Mormons, Brewster and his group 
wore underwear designed to prevent 
sexual arousal. Like most Muslims, 
they frowned on sexually suggestive 
clothing for women. 

Enter Thomasine Boyes, the widow 
of a successful London haberdasher. 
She had remarried to one of the most 
radical Puritan theologians of the 
day and relocated to Amsterdam with 
the Brethren. Her sin was a taste for 
fine clothes and jewelry, which flew 
in the face of the sect’s dress code; 
the Puritan version of the burka was 
a formless black garment that left no 
skin exposed. 

As a result of her “scandalous” 
behavior Boyes became the focus of 
a war of words. Her brother-in-law 
George wrote a vitriolic 290-page 
tract denouncing her as a whore and 
servant of the devil. Faced with an 
increasingly chaotic scene in Amster- 
dam, the Scrooby congregation and a 
number of Ancient Brethren members 
decamped to Leiden, where they set- 
tled in Stincksteeg (“Stink Alley”), the 
Poorest part of the city. 

Eventually the group managed to 
pool its resources and establish a base 
in Leiden, with a meeting house and a 
dozen buildings on Choir Alley, which 
survives today as Vicus Chorali. The 
band also set up a clandestine printing 
press to produce pamphlets critical of 
England that were deemed seditious 
by England’s ambassador in Holland. 
With the help of the Dutch authorities, 
the Pilgrim press was shut down and 
Brewster was forced into hiding with 
the rest of the Leiden group. 

“Two years later they made their way 
across the Atlantic. Their attitudes 
toward sex, God and the Bible would 
become the cultural DNA of the United 
States. Today—at a time when fanatics 
are seeking to turn back the clock of 
history, when twice as many Americans 
are said to believe in the devil as in 
Darwin's theory of evolution and when 
the most powerful nation on earth has 
a president described by an evangeli- 
cal preacher as a “messianic American 
Calvinist"—it is worth looking over our 
shoulder at the fanatics who fled for the 
American coast in 1620. 
ME ES 
of the Englishmen Who Founded America. 


wg Wee VENE 


FO ur in 


By Cameron McPherson Smith and Charles Sullivan 


1. IT'S ONLY A THEORY 

"To many people the word theory means 
a hunch or guess. The Cobb County 
School District near Atlanta had this 
in mind when it tried to put stick- 
ers that read, EVOLUTION IS A THEORY, 
NOT a Fact, on biology textbooks. But 
a hunch or guess that needs inves- 
tigation is known as a hypothesis. A 
hypothesis becomes a theory only 
when overwhelming evidence sup- 
ports it. The theory becomes stron- 
ger as it accounts for more facts and 
observations. The theory of gravity 
works well to explain why objects fall 
to earth and why planets 
orbit the sun. Similarly the 
theory of evolution does a 
fine job of explaining both 
the fossil record and the 
genetic similarities and dif- 
ferences between species. 
Evolutionary theory is sup- 
ported in great measure by 
three observable processes: 
replication, that is, repro- 
duction; variation, which 
refers to the genetic changes that 
make offspring different from their 
parents; and selection, which describes 
how better-adapted offspring tend to 
survive and pass on their genes. 

Some people confuse evolutionary 
theory with Lamarckism, named for 
Jean-Baptiste de Monet de Lamarck 
(1744-1829), who argued that char- 
acteristics acquired during an indi- 
vidual's lifespan could be passed on to 
the next generation. As an example, 


Who's your doddy? 


he suggested that giraffes developed 
their long necks over a few genera- 
tions as they stretched to reach higher 
foliage. But such characteristics are 
not passed on. A bodybuilder does 
not have children with greater muscle 
mass. Modern evolutionary theory 
says that some ancestors of giraffes 
acquired slightly longer necks through 
mutation. Because these animals could 
reach more food, they tended to be 
healthier, to live longer and to have 
a better chance at mating and passing 
on their long-neck genes. 


2. THE LADDER OF PROGRESS 
Evolution is commonly 
imagined as a ladder that 
over time climbs toward 
higher and higher stages of 
life, culminating in modern 
humans. Evolution does 
involve long-term changes, 
but these changesare unpre- 
dictable. Beneficial genetic 
changes tend to be passed 
on to offspring, and nev spe- 
cies appear when many such changes 
have accumulated. However, complex 
species aren't “more evolved" than 
simpler species, especially since com- 
plexity doesn't necessarily guarantee 
survival. If an environment changes 
drastically, such as after a large mete- 
orite impact, we can't assume that a 
more complex species (e.g., humans) 
would survive while a simpler spe- 
cies (e.g., cockroaches) would die off. 
What matters is whether species are 


sufficiently adapted to their environment 
to survive. That's why a bush depicts the 
evolutionary process better than a ladde 
The branches can grow in any direction, 
and new limbs that sprout from existing 
branches aren't considered more advanced, 
just as a younger species that branches off 
an older one isn't more evolved. 


3. ONLY THE STRONG SURVIVE 
Television producers often present the nat- 
ural world as the ultimate reality show—a 
vast, bloody battlefield where the strong 
vanquish the weak. But the strongest aren't 
the ones who survive. The fittest are. h 
organism's environment includes an array 
of pressures, such as food scarcity, any of 
which may be as lethal as a predator. In fact, 
in the animal world we see more bluffing 
than actual fighting among members of the 
same species. Bluffing can be just as effec- 
tive as physical prowess, and it’s safer. Since 
fitness can be measured in many ways, and 
because selective pressures change unpre- 
dictably, adaptability and versatility can be 
more useful than size or strength. 


4. PEOPLE DESCEND FROM APES 
One of Darwin's fiercest critics, Bishop 
Samuel Wilberforce, once asked whether 
Darwin descended from monkeys through 
his grandfather's or grandmother's fam- 
ily. But evolution has never claimed that 


humans come from monkeys or apes: It's 
not possible, since they're still here with 
us. But we are related. Among the animals, 
we're mammals, and among the mammals, 
we're primates. We share characteristics 
such as relatively large brains, reliance on 
vision and highly dexterous hands—with 
about 200 other primate species. No ratio- 
nal person would dispute this. 

Evolution holds that we have a common 
ancestor with monkeys, specifically with 
chimpanzees. Multiple lines of anatomical, 
fossil and DNA evidence make this relation- 
ship equally indisputable. The evidence 
indicates that about 6 million years ago, a 
chimpanzce-like group lived in the forested 
regions of central Africa. When its habitat 
began to dry and fragment, some mem- 
bers remained largely tree dwellers; these 
were the ancestors of modern chimps. But 
others adapted to life on the mostly treeless 
savannah. These were the hominids, distin- 
guished by bipedalism—walking habitually 
on two legs—and they were our ancestors 
This also explains why the idea of a miss- 
ing link isa fallacy. Life is not arranged as a 
series of links but as a continuum. Because 
species are not fixed, it can be difficult to 
know where one ends and another begins. 


McPherson Smith, an anthropologist at Portland 
State University, and Sullivan, a writer, are co- 
authors of The Top Ten Myths About Evolution 


ORIGINS OF LIFE 


QUESTIONS FOR HUGH ROSS 


Hugh Ross is the director of research 
and president of Reasons to Believe and 
co-author of Who Was Adam? 

You're an evangelical minister with 
degrees in physics and astronomy. What 
is your take on Darwin's theory? 

While natural processes may account for 
small changes in certain life-forms, | 
believe that only supernatural 
intervention accounts for the 

larger changes and the origin 

of life. The timescale and 

sequence of the fossil record 

are in perfect accord with the 

book of Genesis. The only 

interpretation of the days of 

creation that is consistent 

with all 20 accounts in the 

Bible is that God created over 

six epochs and then stopped 

after creating Adam and Eve. 

A literal Adam and Eve? 

Yes, and recent mitochondrial 

DNA and Y-chromosome anal- 


ysis supports the conclusion that human- 
ity is descended from one man and one 
woman who lived about 50,000 years ago. 
Can you run down the various schools of 
creationist thought? 
Our position is known as day-age creation- 
ism. Young-earth creationists believe the 
universe is less than 10,000 years old. 
Theistic evolutionists believe 
God has intervened only once 
or twice and only through the 
laws of physics, which he set 
up. Intelligent-design theorists 
say there is no need to identify 
the designer or the timescale. 
What should students be told 
about the origins of life? 
We should teach the most 
scientifically credible models. 
| don't want certain Christian 
models such as young-earth cre- 
ationism to be taught, because 
they are provably false, both 
E" biblically and scientifically. 


MARGINALIA” $ 


FROM AN ACKNOWL- 
EDGMENT issved this 
past fall by military 
spokesperson Kim Wal- 
dron of the U.S. Army Forces Com- 
mand at Fort McPherson, Georgia on 
sending openly gay service members 
into combat: “The bottom line is some 
people are using sexual orientation to 
avoid deployment. So in this case, with 
the Reserve and Guard forces, if a sol- 
dier ‘tells,’ they still have to go to war, 
and the homosexual issue is postponed 
until they retum to the U.S. and the 
unit is demobilized.” 


FROM AN AOORESS 
to the Connecticut 
Evening Dinner Club 
by Mark Twain in 
1881: "If you don't. 
want to work, be- 
come a reporter. That 
awful power, the pub- 
lic opinion of the nation, was created 
by a horde of self-complacent simple- 
tons who failed at ditch digging and 
shoemaking and fetched up journalism 
оп their way to the poorhouse.” 


FROM A SERMON by Sheik Ibrahim 
Mudeiris broadcast on the Palestinian 
Authority's TV station: “The day will 
come when we will rule America. The 
day will come when we rule Britain 
and the entire world—except for the 
Jews. The Jews will not enjoy a life of 
tranquility under our rule, because they 
are treacherous by nature, as they have 
been throughout history. The day will 
come when everything will be relieved 
of the Jews—even the stones and trees, 
which were harmed by them. Listen to 
the Prophet Muhammad, who tells 
you about the evil end that awaits the 
Jews. The stones and trees will want 
the Muslims to finish off every Jew.” 


FROM A CONGRESSIONAL Research 
Service report that lists the subjects 

of 38 secret sessions held by the U.S. 
Senate since 1929: impeachment trial 
deliberations for Judge Halsted Ritter 
(April 1936); naval policies on building 
battleships and aircraft carriers (June 
1942); reports from the war 
fronts (October 1943); 
Nike-Zeus antimissile sys- 
tem (April 1963); Oefense 
Department 
appropria- 
tions (De- 
cember 
1969); 
U.S. involvement in Laos (June 1971); 
Trident submarine program (September 
1973); report from the Select Commit- 
tee to Study Governmental Operations 
With Respect to Intelligence Activities 
on alleged assassination plots involving 
foreign leaders (November 1975); fund- 
ing for neutron bombs (July 1977); pro- 
posed airplane sales to Egypt, Israel and 
Saudi Arabia (May 1978); nominations 
for assistant secretary of state (February 
1983); Nicaragua (April 1983); most 
favored nation status for China (Febru- 
агу 1992); chemical-weapons conver 
tion (April 1997); impeachment trial 


(continued on page 41) 


READER RESPONSE | 


VEILED CRITICISM 
As Phyllis Chesler notes in “Gender 
Apartheid” (November), the wide- 
spread ignorance about Islam, Muslim 
women and Arab culture breeds provin- 
cial attacks on women, academics and 
political freedom. My recent book, Veil: 
Modesty, Privacy and Resistance, describes 
the strength Arab and Muslim culture 
gives women. It demonstrates the vari- 
ous meanings of veiling and its role in 
communicating social status and resist- 
ing foreign occupation. Many Muslim 
women choose to cover their bodies as a 
sign of respectability and personal piety 
and as a way to publicly assert their 
identity. Some women explicitly link 
choosing to veil with becoming liber- 
ated; they decide who should or should 
not sce their bodies. Arrogantly insist- 
ing on interventionism puts feminism in 
bed with racist inequalities. 
Fadwa El Guint 
University of Southern California 
Los Angeles, California 


Hats off to Chesler for writing such a 
superb artide. It's good to see a woman 
stand up for the United States, the ratio- 
nal values and 
goals that 
many (if not 
most) Ameri- 
cans espouse 
and the large 
degree of free- 
dom and lib- 
erty we possess 
and advocate. 
Islamic terror- 
ists are indeed 
our enemy, as 

they are the 
M вде enemy of any- 
is it really dead? one who cher- 
ishes freedom 
and individuality. As our enemy they 
should be fought, not supported, vali- 
dated or even passively ignored. 
Ben Everhart 
Scottsburg, Indiana 


| PHYLLI 


If Islamic women wish to cover their 
heads or faces, let them do what they 
want—even if they live in France, 

Darwin Mani 
Los Angeles, California 


І want to give Chesler a huge hug 
and kiss for again raising the problem 
of violence against women in the name 
of Islam, a religion that has mistreated 


females for thousands of years. That 
women are able to vote in Iraq is a tri- 
umph for women everywhere. 
Chad Johnson 
Montrose, Minnesota 


Bienvenue & Paris: Muslim riots last fall. 


The worst violations of women's 
rights in the Middle East occur in 
Saudi Aral which is an important 
U.S. ally. Similarly, when Kuwait was 
invaded, George H.W. Bush was there 
to restore its radical Islam. How can 
any feminist support policies that pro- 
tect these regimes? 

Khalid Rosenbaum 
Silver Spring. Maryland 


Chesler's discussion of feminism and 
jihad fails to acknowledge that both par- 
ties could be wrong. That the Islamic 
terrorists are evil does not make the 
American government good. 
Saskia Hesselink 
Iowa City, Iowa 


GERMANISTAN 
Your article about immigrant popu- 
lations in Europe (“Welcome to Eura- 
bia,” November) really hit home. | live 
in Germany because my husband is 
in the Army. We are repeatedly told 
that Turks hate Americans and that we 
should stay away from ‘Turkish neigh- 
borhoods. This makes something as 
seemingly simple as taking a cab com- 
plicated and potentially dangerous 
because many taxi drivers are Turks. 
Michele Milford 
Wiesbaden, Germany 


Over the years I have found PLAYBOY 
to be quite evenhanded in dealing with 
religious issues. In keeping with its phi- 
losophy, the magazine debunks myths 
that sustain most of the world’s reli- 
gions, but I do not remember italerting 
readers to the menace of any particular 


set of beliefs. PLavBov's live-and-let-live 
tone is what has made me a longtime 
subscriber. So I was blindsided by the 
shrill tone and outlandish conclusions 
about Muslims and the impact of one 
fanatical Islamist in the Netherlands 
(“The Future of Europe," November). 

Andy Bras 

Victoria, British Columbia 


PHILLY IN FLAMES. 

In your May article about the 1985 
police bombing of our MOVE family 
(“Philly in Flames: A Government Raid 
Revisited"), you write that "the group's 
aberrant sanitation policies and ranting 
made it a menace to those unfortunate 
enough to live nearby" and that "MOVE 
ruined the quality of life of those around 
it.” These comments attempt to justify 
the murder of our family. Where is the 
sense in bombing and burning down a 
neighborhood out of concern for pro- 
tecting it? The government's attitude 
toward compensating Osage Avenue 
residents—and more recently its atti- 
tude toward the people in New 
Orleans—proves just how little it cares 
about the plight of blacks in this coun- 
try. Yet readers are expected to accept 
this nonsense as justification for mur- 
dering our family. It is not MOVE that 
has ruined the quality of life. How can 
you overlook government-sanctioned 
corporations that pour tons of poison 
into our water, air and soil? MOVE is 
not responsible for the children poi: 


Brotherly love gone bad 


soned in Toms River, New Jersey or 
Love Canal, New York. MOVE doesn't 
spray food with poisons called pesticides, 
which give people cancer. Government- 
sanctioned corporations do 

Ramona Africa 

"Ihe MOVE Organization 

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania 


E-mail: letters.playboy.com. Or write: 730 
Fifth Avenue, New York, New York 10019. 


FORUM 


NEWSFRONT 


Freedom Fry 

INDIANAPOLIS This past October, State 
Senator Patricia Miller, a Republican, 
proposed a law that would criminal- 
ize any medically assisted pregnancy 
(such as artificial insemination, in vitro 
fertilization and donor eggs) undertaken 
without a government-issued certificate. 
To qualify for a certificate, potential par- 
ents would have to meet state adoption 
requirements, which in Indiana stipulate 
that they be married and that they sub- 
mit a "description ofthe family lifestyle," 
including their "participation in faith- 
based or church activities." Single par- 
ents and unmarried couples would be 
barred from certification. Various prior 
felony convictions would also disqualify 
applicants, among them any weapon or 
drug convictions and assisting suicide. 
The bill was withdrawn before a com- 
mittee vote on it was to be held. 


The Vagina Ideologues 


PORTLAND, OREGON—Albertsons, an Idaho-based 
chain of 2,500 supermarkets with a strong 
presence in the Pacific Northwest, pulled the 
October issue of Seventeen magazine from all 
of its stores. The chain's corporate office said 
in a statement that it made the decision after 
receiving customer complaints about an article 
called “Vagina 101." The piece discusses 
hygiene (such as whether to trim pubic hair, 
to which the article says no) and anatomical 
norms. It also features an annotated diagram 
under the headline owner's manuat—indicating 
the location and function of the clitoris, labia 
majora, labia minora, hymen and anus. 


Mourning Wood 
BERLIN The self-described sexual environmen- 
tal fighters of Fuck for Forest have been rais- 
ing eyebrows, and funds, since they presented 
a Series of charity concerts featuring onstage 
sex. “Try to live like animals,” the group urges 
on its website, “having sex with no shame. Just 
being a part of nature, cele- 
brating life.” In trying to fun- 
nel money to programmatic 
organizations, the group hit 
on the idea of donating some 
of its “porn aid," as it refers 
to its activities, to the WWF, 
the advocacy group formerly 
known as the World Wildlife 
Fund. The WWF rejected 
FFF's offer, stating in a letter, “I am sorry to 
inform you that my colleagues in the depart- 
ment that is responsible for communication 


with companies and businesses have informed 
me that they have decided not to accept your 
offer. The reason for this decision is that our 
organization has a policy that states that we 
cannot connect our brand name and logo to 
certain sectors of industry. Your sector, unfor- 
tunately, is one of these.” 


There’s No Place Like Home 
Toreka The Kansas Supreme Court ruled that 
the vastly different state penalties imposed for 
homosexual and heterosexual acts are imper- 
missible under the U.S. Constitution's equal- 
protection clause. The decision will mean the 
release from prison of Matthew Limon, who as 
an 18-year-old high school student was con- 
victed in 2000 of criminal sodomy after hav- 
ing consensual oral sex with a 14-year-old 
male classmate. A Kansas law known as the 
Romeo and Juliet statute had limited penal- 
ties for older teens who engaged in sex acts 
with younger teens—but only if the teens were 
of the opposite sex. If Limon had been with a 
female classmate, his potential jail time would 
have been capped at 15 months. Instead he 
was sentenced to 17 years in prison. 


‘Period Peace 
NEPAL—In western sections of this Himalayan na- 
tion, it is common for families to banish women 
to cow barns for four days during their monthly 
menstruation. In a decision hailed by Nepalese 
women's rights activists, the country’s supreme 
court has demanded that the government char- 
acterize the practice as evil and that it immedi- 
ately initiate programs to stop it. 


MARGINALIA 


(continued from page 39) 
procedures for President Clinton (January 
1999); impeachment trial deliberations 
for President Clinton (February 1999). 


FROM A COFFEE CUP removed from 
use by the Starbucks at Baylor Univer- 
sity, one of a series of cups printed with 
quotations from literary figures, This 
‘one is from novelist Armistead Maupin: 
“My only regret about being gay is that 
| repressed it so long. 1 surrendered 
my youth to the people | feared when I 
could have been out there loving some- 
one. Don't make that mistake yourself, 
Life's too damn short.” 


FROM AN ARTICLE by Chris Hedges 
in Harper's Magazine: "I can't help but 
recall the words of my ethics professor 
at Harvard Divinity School, Dr. James 
Luther Adams, who told us that when 
we were his age, and he was then 
close to 80, we would all be fighting 
the ‘Christian fascists." He gave us 
that warning 25 years ago, when Pat 
Robertson and other prominent evan- 
gelists began speaking of a 
new political religion that 
would direct its efforts at 
taking control cf all major 
American institutions 
so as to transform 
the United States. 
into a global Chris- 
tian empire. At the. 
time it was hard to 
take such fantastic 
rhetoric seriously. But fascism, Adams 
Warned, would not return wearing 
swastikas and brown shirts. Its ideolog- 
ical inheritors would cloak themselves 
in the language of the Bible; they would 
come carrying crosses and chanting the 
pledge of allegiance.” 


FROM A FEDERAL INDICTMENT: 
“4. Lewis Libby, also known as Scooter 
Libby, defendant herein, having taken 
an oath to testify truthfully in 2 proceed- 
ing before a grand jury of the United 
States, knowingly made a false material 
declaration, in that he gave the follow- 
ing testimony regarding his conversations 
with reporters concerning the employ- 
ment of Joseph Wilson's wife by the CIA: 
Q: And let me ask you this directly. 
Did the fact that you knew that the 
law-—the law as to whether a crime 
was committed—could turn on where 
you learned the information from. 
affect your account for the FBI, when 
you told them that you were telling 
reporters Wilson's wife worked at the 
CIA bul your source was a reporter 
rather than the vice president? 

A: No, it's a fact. It was a fact. That's 
what I told the reporters. 

0: And you're certain as you sit here 
today that every reporter you told 
that Wilson's wife 
worked at the CIA, 
you sourced itbackto — €. 
other reporters? » 


FORUM 


THE NEW TEN COMMANDMENTS 


MORALITY IS BEST INFORMED BY UNIVERSAL 
VALUES, NOT BY RELIGIOUS BELIEFS 


any people believe the Ten 

Commandments are a univer- 

sal moral guide to be displayed 
in classrooms and courthouses. But 
universal morality can't come from a 
religion, because no religion is uni- 
versally practiced. Many people learn 
about morality from their religion, 
which may explain why they think 
morality depends on religion. But peo- 


ple can be moral without believing in a 


higher power, and 
a moral guide that 
everyone knows 
and accepts serves 
societies better 
than one known 
and accepted only. 
by followers of a 
particular religion. 

To provide such 
a guide, I formu- 
lated 10 new com- 
mandments more 
suitable for dis- 
play than the bib- 
lical version: 
1. Do not kill. 
2.Do not cause 

ain. 

|. Do not disable. 
4. Do not deprive 
of freedom. 
5. Do not deprive of pleasure. 
6. Do not deceive. 
7. Keep your promises. 
8. Do not cheat. 
9. Obey the law. 
10. Do your duty (i.e., what is 
required by your job, social role or 
special circumstances). 

Breaking the first five rules auto- 
matically results in someone being 
harmed. Breaking the second five 


BY BERNARD GERT 


increases the chances of someone 
being harmed. It isn't always immoral 
to break one of these rules; you may 
kill in self-defense or lie to save an 
innocent life. But you should break 
a rule only if you would be willing to 
allow everyone to break the rule in 
the same circumstances. Particular 
religions may prohibit gay sex or the 
use of contraceptives, for example, but 
these acts do not harm anyone and so 


Nobody objects to the need for a moral code, but the Bible is no foundation for it. 


are not immoral. Several biblical com- 
mandments, such as not working on 
the Sabbath or not bowing down to 
graven images, have nothing to do 
with being moral; they do not prohibit 
behavior that harms other people. 
The Ten Gommandments not only 
don't prohibit slavery, they explicitly 
accept it. The commandment not to 
covet thy neighbor's wife continues by 
proscribing coveting thy neighbor's 


slaves. The English translation is 

“servant,” "manservant" or “maidser- 
vant," but in context the Hebrew or 
Aramaic clearly means slave. One rea- 
son behind the commandment against 
work on the Sabbath is “so thy slaves 
shall rest as well as thou.” Although 
this commandment requires more 
humane treatment of slaves, slavery— 
no matter how humane—has no place 
in a universal moral code. 

Another prob- 
lem with taking 
the Ten Com- 
mandments as 
moral law is that. 
it suggests peo- 
ple vill behave 
morally only if 
threatened with 
punishment. That 
reflects a sopho- 
moric view that 
no one ever acts 
contrary to his 
or her own self- 
interest for the 
bencfit of others. 
But caring peo- 
ple often make 
sacrifices to help 
others without 
thinking about 
themselves at all. 

If you believe that morality can 
arise only out of religion, then you 
must also believe that whatever your 
religion tells you to do is the moral 
thing to do. That is a dangerous 


Gert is a professor of philosophy at Dart- 
mouth College and the author of Common 
Morality: Deciding What to Do. 


RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARCHIVE 
(founded the Summum religion in Salt telly 


The group са ‘seven types of meditation, including sexual 
y, and believe: s Moses delivered the Ten Command- 
N nai for the masses but reserved another 
ws, the Seven Aphorisms, for select believers. The 
ns have sued Salt Lake County ond ise Utah citi 


ran www AL FRANKEN 


A candid conversation with the next senator from Minnesota (maybe) about 
his enemies on the right and what it’s like doing stand-up at Abu Ghraib 


In a world of talk radio in which Rush Lim- 
baugh, Sean Hannity and Bill O'Reilly are 
kings, it's slightly surprising to see the welcome 
Al Franken gets at the National Association 
of Broadcasters radio convention in Philadel- 
phia. As he makes his way through the hotel 
Lobby he’s stopped by a small mob of radio sta- 
tion executives who call his name and reach 
10 shake his hand. Soon members of the hotel's 
slaff join the crowd. A relative newcomer to 
radio, Franken is one of the rare liberals on 
the ай, and he's become the public face of Air 
America Radio, a left-leaning network that 
broadcasts his show every afternoon. Conser- 
vatives may still dominate talk radio, but it's 
clear that Franken has become a force to be 
taken seriously. 

Of course, Franken arrives with some solid 
credentials: several humorous political best- 
sellers and 15 years at Saturday Night Live. 
Air America has leveraged Frauken’s popular- 
ity to overcome a bumpy financial start and 
grow from a handful of stations in spring 
2004 to a network of more than 70 affiliates 
today. He says he was initially reluctant to host 
a show but now feels quite comfortable during 
his daily three hours behind the microphone. 

Franken may have been hesitant to enter 
political talk radio, but the Minneapolis 
native makes no bones about describing 


\ 


Nay 


“Wait a minute. I've read the Playboy Interview 
for years, and 1 never realized that the inter- 
viewee got to sleep with that month’s Playmate. 
After some hesitation, my wife, Franni, thought 
it would be good publicity for my latest book.” 


himself as a political junkie. He traces his 
liberal politics to his father, a Republican 
who switched parties over what he saw as the 
GOP's resistance to the civil rights movement. 
The hours Franken and his father spent 
watching comedians on television also influ- 
enced his career choice. After four years at 
Harvard and a dues-paying stint as a starv- 
ing comic, Franken and his longtime partner 
Tom Davis were hired by Saturday Night 
Live producer Lorne Michaels before the 
show even premiered. Franken would later 
create and perform the character Stuart 
Smalley, a self-help guru. A Stuart Smalley 
book and movie followed. Franken is careful 
to note that he was never an SNL cast mem- 
ber, only a writer and occasional “featured 
player.” Modesty may not be his strongest 
suit, though. On Saturday Night Live he 
proclaimed the 1980s the Al Franken Decade 
and returned in late 1999 to announce the 
beginning of the Al Franken Millennium 
Early in his SNL days, his extracurricular 
activities included cadging a ride on the press 
bus following Ronald Reagan in 1976 and 
heckling the Gipper at a campaign rally. But 
Franken’s career as a political force really 
began with his books Rush Limbaugh Is a 
Big Fat Idiot and Lies and the Lying Liars 
Who Tell Them, both of which made the best- 


“I can't believe what has happened to our coun- 
try. We have a Republican administration that. 
has taken us from huge budget surpluses to 
record-setting debt. We have gone to war. Our 
government is rife with corruption." 


seller lists. Franken credits a lawsuit, Fox v. 
Franken, reportedly inspired by Bill O'Reilly 
himself, with generaling an enormous amount 
of publicity for the second book. 

His current book, The Truth (With Jokes), 
dissects the Republican agenda, prescribes a 
Democratic one and offers a view of America 
from the perspective of Al Franken, grand- 
father and U.S. senator. (Yes, it’s told from 
the future.) 

Franken recently moved his family to Minne- 
sola amid reports that he’s seriously considering 
the political junkie’s ultimate transformation 
by running for a Senate seat. Will he or won't 
he? Franken, 54, will acknowledge only this: 
“Im thinking. I'm thinking.” 

Contributing Editor Warren Kalbacker 
squared off with Franken for hours across the 
comic’s dining room table while Franken's Lab- 
rador relaxed underneath. “He is a thought- 
ful host,” Kalbacker reports. "He's intense and 
obviously opinionated. He's also physical. He 
interrupted our sessions a couple of times to 
wrestle his huge retriever into a headlock.” 


PLAYBOY: On Saturday Night Live at the 
turn of the century you announced the 
beginning of the Al Franken Millennium. 
How's it going so far? 

FRANKEN: Wait a minute. I've read the 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY DAVIDROSE 


“A lot of this culture war is absolute myth. Bill 
O'Reilly talks about his traditional values versus 
what he calls left-wing secular values. He has 
traditional values? He's a married man engag- 
ing in phone sex with a female employee.” 


43 


PLAYBOY 


Playboy Interview for years, and I never 
realized that the interviewee got to sleep 
with that month's Playmate. I don't know 
why you haven't told your readers, but 
it’s great. After some hesitation, my wife, 
Franni, thought it would be good public- 
ity for my latest book. This month’s Play- 
mate is young, but that bothered me for 
just a minute. Now fire away. 

PLAYBOY: Your jokes are occasionally mis- 
understood, aren't they? 

FRANKEN: Now that Гус gotten as politi- 
cal as I have, my jokes are deliberately 
misunderstood. Гуе become a lightning 
rod for the right. “‘Al Franken claims he 
slept with that month’s Playmate," says 
National Review Online writer Byron 
York.” For the record, I didn’t sleep with 
this month’s Playmate. 
PLAYBOY: How about the Al 
Franken Millennium? 
FRANKEN: It’s going well. My 
kids are great. My wife and I 
still tolerate each other. But 
I can't believe what has hap- 
pened to our country. We have 
a Republican administration 
that in five years has taken us 
from huge budget surpluses to 
record-setting debt. We have 
gone to war. The profiteer- 
ing going on in Iraq is tragic. 
That country is a free-fraud 
zone. Harry Truman called war 
profiteering treason. It’s caus- 
ing the deaths of our troops. 
Our government is rife with 
corruption. Cronyism marked 
our tragically slow response to 
Hurricane Katrina. 

PLAYBOY: Would you say that 
Katrina marked some sort 
of turning point in the Bush 
administration? 

FRANKEN: It was a turning point 
in Bush's presidency because it 
popped the myth that his admin- 
istration is competent. We lost 
Chicago in a fire and San Fran- 
cisco in an earthquake, but 
Bush is the first guy who lost a 
city in the age of AccuWeather. 
He bears responsibility for 
downgrading FEMA and using 
it as a dumping ground for cronies, plac- 
ing Michael Brown as director. I've been 
railing about this administration's incom- 
petence for a long time. 

PLAYBOY: You've certainly railed against 
Karl Rove, calling him a treasonous snake. 
FRANKEN: And I've used the term turd 
blossom to report what the president calls 
Rove. "That's his nickname. Google turd 
blossom and you'll see. Part of the reason 
the administration did such a bad job last 
summer was that Rove's guiding hand was 
not there. Once Rove was identified as out- 
ing a CIA agent and lying about it, I think 
heknew he was in trouble and became dis- 
tracted. And I know he had a kidney stone 
during a key period. Maybe Rove has lost 


44 it Or maybe he just made a couple of bad 


calls. But whether Rove is a genius or a 
fool, he’s a very bad guy. 

PLAYBOY: You've committed almost two 
years to talk radio and recently moved 
the show to your hometown of Minneap- 
olis. Do you find your daily three hours 
in front of the microphone more conge- 
nial now than when you started out? 
FRANKEN: I look forward to being on the 
air every day. At first I signed up for one 
year because I didn't know if I'd like it. 
I wanted to get back to the Al Franken 
All-Girl Orchestra. But having written 
Lies and the Lying Liars, Y felt there was 
this huge need. There was no liberal talk 
radio. Talk radio was right-wing. 
PLAYBOY: Was Rush Limbaugh respon- 
sible for the growth of talk radio? 


FRANKEN: Absolutely. He deserves his 
props for that and nothing else. After the 
Fairness Doctrine fell, he spawned a num- 
ber of conservative imitators such as Oli- 
ver North and G. Gordon Liddy. Lots of 
right-wing talk-radio stations popped up 
all over the country. That's why Air Amer- 
ica had to create a day of programming 
and become a network with affiliates. 
PLAYBOY: Political talk radio tends to fill 
the airwaves with indignation. 

FRANKEN: Right-wing radio, especially 
during the Clinton years, was totally 
outraged. Now it gets outraged at our 
being angry. I get angry once in a while, 
but I don't apologize for getting angry 
at things like war profiteering. The right 
has this caricature of my being palsied by 


superfic ial, 


my anger at Bush. Bill O'Reilly accused 
me of being like Goebbels and then 
denied it. O'Reilly will say Air America 
hates America, but it’s especially irritating 
when the mainstream media writes about 
Limbaugh conservatives and Franken 
liberals as if there's an equivalence. I 
do the opposite of what he does. We tell 
the truth on the show. Months ago Lim- 
baugh talked about the minimum wage, 
and he said 75 percent of all Americans 
carning minimum wage arc tecnagers in 
their first job. My researcher called the 
Bureau of Labor Statistics and found 
that 60 percent of Americans earning 
minimum wage are the age of 20 and 
older. Limbaugh gets his labor statistics 
from the Bureau of Limbaugh's Ass. He 
pulled that stat out of his ass. 
It went out his ass and into his 
mouth, then into the micro- 
phone, over the airwaves and 
into the brains of dittoheads, 
and they believed it. 

PLAYBOY: The media gave the 
Bush administration a tough 
time in Katrina's aftermath. 
Did you detect any permanent 
change in journalists' attitudes 
toward the president? 
FRANKEN: No, not at all. There 
was no enemy in the Katrina 
coverage. In covering Iraq, jour- 
nalists' attitudes were governed 
by the fear of being labeled 
unpatriotic. If you are an Amer- 
ican correspondent embedded 
with our troops, you can't help 
but love them. The mainstream. 
press did a disgraceful job 
reporting the lead-up to the war 
on weapons of mass destruction 
and Iraq's links to Al Qaeda 
"The sources for The New York 
Times and The Washington Post 
were the highest-level adminis- 
tration officials, and those 
papers' reporting vas terrible 
because they believed those 
sources. They don’t want to be 
critical. because they don't want 
to lose access. I told a joke at a 
journalists’ dinner where Floyd 
Abrams, who defended me in 
Fox v. Franken, was presented with an 
award. Matt Cooper from Time and Judith 
Miller of The New York Times, who were 
both his clients, were there. This was just 
before Miller went to prison. I said how 
humbling it was to be there in front of two 
such courageous journalists, and don't 
worry, Judith, maybe you'll find some 
WMDs in your cell. Boy, that did not go 
over well. Did / tell that joke to the wrong 
group. The Knight Ridder papers, which 
don't have access to the top, were talking 
to midlevel people about the debates 
within the intelligence community. Knight 
Ridder wrote much more penetraungly 
about the aluminum tubes that couldn't 
be used for centrifuging uranium and 
about the reliability of sources, many of 


= = 


whom were Iraqi exiles who had a vested 
interest in our invading. 

PLAYBOY: Yet you don’t advocate a quick 
withdrawal from Iraq, 

FRANKEN: I'm not for pulling out of Iraq 
right now. I don't know if I'm right on that. 
The stakes are so high because of the tre- 
mendous carnage, not just to our soldiers 
and Marines but also to the people of Iraq. 
1 believed Colin Powell's UN speech. Bush 
told us that Saddam Hussein had nuclear 
holy warriors who would pass a bomb to 
Al Qaeda, and you'd think Al Qaeda would 
have no qualms about using a nuclear 
weapon. What did it for me was when 
Powell said the anodized coating on alu- 
minum tubes could be used to centrifuge 
weapons-grade uranium. Aha! That had 
to be it! If anodized coating has nothing to 
do with centrifuging uranium, somebody 
would speak up and say that’s bullshit. No 
one did. Finally, The Washington Post talked 
to the grandfather of centrifuging uranium, 
in Oak Ridge, Tennessee, and he said you 
*touldn't centrifuge uranium with those 
small tubes. And even if you could, he said, 
the first thing you'd have to do is mill off all. 
the anodized coating. I was fooled. But we 
were in Baghdad by that time. 

PLAYBOY: Has the media gone soft? 
FRANKEN: The media is biased toward 
making a profit, which means spend- 
ing less money, which means less inves- 
tigative reporting, which in turn means 
more celebrity reporting. On cable TV it 
means putting on two talking heads who 
are given a couple of articles in the green 
room. They read them and then go out 
and talk about school vouchers. They don't. 
know anything. 

PLAYBOY: Do Washington reporters social- 
ize too much with their sources? 
FRANKEN: I've done the White House 
Correspondents’ Association dinner 
twice. Plenty of people in the room dis- 
like each other, and that’s nothing new 
in Washington. The first time 1 worked 
the dinner was in 1994. Al Gore was vice 
president, and I was sitting next to Tip- 
per. I said to her, “I have a joke about 
your husband that my instinct tells me 
is over the line.” “What’s the јок he 
asked. I told her, "Vice President Gore 
reaffirmed his commitment to the envi- 
ronment today when he announced 
a new policy regarding the stick up 
his butt. Instead of replacing the stick 
every day as he does now, he will keep 
the same stick up there throughout the 
rest of the administration. This will save 
an entire rain forest.” She told me to 
go with my instinct, so I didn’t do the 
joke. But I love doing these dinners. 
The terrible part about it is people’s 
desire to be offended in order to have 
an excuse to attack someone, especially 
someone like me, who has a known 
political bias. Irony is a dangerous 
tool if you're a comedian interested in 
politics, because what you say is taken 
totally out of context. 1 refuse to stop 
using irony. It doesn’t matter where I 


SAME CHAT, DIFFERENT DAY 


Talk radio's airhead hall of fame 


Shtick: Pompous ideo- 
GUE not stand idly by as elitist 
liberals ruin America. Listen to Lim- 
baugh long enough and you'll: 
realize your mother is an envirowacko 
feminazi. Whoops: Resigned from ESPN 
gig as NFL analyst for saying Eagles 
quarterback Donovan McNabb is hyped 
because he's black. Say what? His 
slogan is “Excellence in Broadcasting.” 


Conservative talk 
radio's enfant terrible; bashes "Bush- 
bots” Limbaugh and Hannity in addi- 
tion to liberals. Listen to Savage long 
enough and you'll: get very confused 
Whoops: On MSNBC, suggested a “sod- 
omite" shauld "get AIDS and die“; he 
was fired immediately. Say what? Wrote 
boaks under given name (Weiner) about 
herbal medicine and homeopathy. 


PALA * 
G Lovra Schlessinger > shtick: Holier-thon-thou 


therapist doles out cruel advice to 
people stupid enough to call in. Listen 
to Schlessinger long enough and 
you'll: feel worse about humanity but 
better about yourself. Whoops: Prud- 
ery took a hit when nude photos of her 
surfaced on the Internet. Say what? 
She is nat a psychologist or licensed 
she has a Ph.D. in physialogy. 


ERES 
Sean Honnity ð Shtick: Conservative 


radio's schoolyard bully. Listen to 
Hannity long enough and you’ 

believe the Iraq war was a really good 
idea. Whoops: He campared the Abu 
Ghraib tarture photos to the fake docu- 
ments that scandalized CBS, suggesting 
that they were “another DNC plot.” Say 
what? He has fewer listeners than Lim- 
baugh but more than Howard Stern. 


The truth is out 
there, ond only Bell is crazy enaugh 
ta tell it. Listen to Bell long enough 
and you'll: make a tinfoil hat ta protect 
your brain from alien control. Whoops: 
His suggestian that a UFO was follow- 
ing the Hale-Bopp comet may have 
infarmed the Heaven's Gate cult. Say 
what? Bell told Larry King, "I don't 
think you could call me a ‘believer.’” 


2 : Gender oppres- 
sion of men must end! Listen to Leykis 
long enough and you'll: get “more toil 
for less money.” Whoops: Revealing the 
name of the 19-year-old who accused 
Kobe Bryant of rape wasn't seen as the 
classiest of moves. Say what? Leykis 
is a hard-core aenophile, as deman- 
strated by his ather shaw, The Tasting 


Каат, which is all haity-toity wine talk. 


45 


PLAY BIOL 


do it anymore, because they're watching 
me. A while ago I told this joke: “John 
McCain is a courageous guy taking on 
the tobacco lobby, taking on campaign 
finance reform. But I don't get this 
war hero thing. He just sat out the war. 
Anybody can get captured. Isn't the idea 
to capture the other guy?" It got big. 
laughs. The next day's Washington Times 
quoted it as if it weren't ironic. It said I 
was attacking McCain and didn't realize 
that he had been a prisoner for five and 
a half years and had been tortured in 
the Hanoi Hilton. 

hen you make jokes like that, 
your critics start talking about the so- 
called culture war. 

FRANKEN: A lot of this culture war is 
absolute myth. Bill O'Reilly talks about 
his traditional values versus what he calls 
left-wing secular values. He has tradi- 
tional values? He's a married man engag- 
ingin phone sex with a female employee 
who doesn't want it and has asked him to 
stop. Ann Coulter, in her book Slander, 
talked about the lefts Marquis de Sade 
lifestyle. I've been married for 30 years, 
and Coulter is in her mid-40s, hasn't 
been married, dresses in miniskirts and 
looks slightly like a dominatrix. Who's 
she kidding? At my 25-year Harvard 
reunion there was a survey, and one of 
the questions was “Are you still married 
to your first spouse?” About 77 percent 
of my class said yes. It was well above the 
national average for 47-year-olds. We're 
a socially conservative group. 

PLAYBOY: You frequently clash with Laura 
Ingraham as well as with Coulter. What 
do you think of them? 

FRANKEN: Coulter writes books and an 
online column that she can't get syndi- 
cated in newspapers. She's made a career 
out of being outrageous. She's hideous. 
Last year's Time magazine cover story on 
her was ridiculous because it was unbe- 
lievably nice to her. The cover photo was 
unfair; there are ways to make her good- 
looking. 1 called the managing editor of 
Time and told him it should have been 
the exact opposite—put somebody pretty 
on the cover and then write the real arti- 
cle on her. It should be absolutely scath- 
ing. Ingraham is pretty hideous too. I've 
debated both of them and haven't been 
impressed with either. One debate was 
on C-SPAN. It was Eric Alterman and I 
against Tucker Carlson and Ingraham, 
who said almost nothing. Carlson picked 
up the slack. 

PLAYBOY: How is your relationship with 
Tucker Carlson? He claimed, “Liberals 
deride talk radio as the choice of morons, 
racists and tobacco chewers." 

FRANKEN: They'll take any opportunity 
they can to portray liberals as elitist. 
Carlson was a good writer at The Weekly 
Standard. He was funny and smart when 
we did Washington Journal on C-SPAN. 
We've become estranged. He has a way 
of attacking people by saying they're 


46 not good to their staff. When he was on 


a book tour and was asked about me, 
he said, “I can tell you one thing. He 
doesn't treat his staff well." 1 passed that 
on to Andy Barr, my assistant. We both 
laughed. Andy wrote him a note. Carlson 
has said it about a lot of people. Politi- 
cians never treat their staff well. Barney 
Frank doesn't treat his staff well. 
PLAYBOY: You've accused Limbaugh of 
taking a crap on the ground and then 
raising dust to obscure the turd. Is he still 
the guy who pisses you off the most? 
FRANKEN: Sean Hannity is the worst. 
He's completely humorless, a total hack. 
Hannity has no compunction at all about 
lying. O'Reilly and Limbaugh are sly. 
"They have no interest in the truth. What. 
Limbaugh will do is change something 
he said. That's kicking up the dust. It's 
about deliberately misleading people. 
O'Reilly does it on his TV show: Oh, is 
Bush's record on poverty not as good 
as Clinton's? Well, when Clinton was 
in midterm, the poverty level was 13 
percent, whereas the level under Bush 
is only 12.7 percent. But the reason it 
is lower under Bush is that when Bush 
became president, the poverty level was 


Hannity is the worst. He's 
completely humorless, a total 
hack. He has no compunction 

at all about lying. O'Reilly 
and Limbaugh are sly. They 
have mo interest in the truth. 


at its lowest point in years because of 
Clinton. O'Reilly delivers information 
that is technically true but deliberately 
misleading. Coulter does the same. 
PLAYBOY: Conversion —almost in the reli- 
gious sense—is a term we've occasion- 
ally heard on your broadcasts. You've 
teased Christy, a regular caller to the 
show, about converting her Republican 
boyfriend. You've noted that Blinded by 
the Right author David Brock crossed 
over as well. 

FRANKEN: Christy dropped the boy- 
friend. I don't think that was my fault. 
As for Brock, he made an amazing con- 
version. He had been a right-wing hit 
man writing for The American Spectator. 
He was the author of the Troopergate 
piece that ultimately led to the pres- 
ident’s impeachment; Brock named 
Paula Jones, and she instigated the sex- 
ual harassment suit that led to the Clin- 
ton deposition that was the basis for the 
impeachment. The right loved Brock. 
He then wrote a book on Hillary Clin- 
ton. Everyone was expecting a hatchet 
job, but he approached it as a journalist 
and came back with a look at her that 


was pretty favorable. That incensed the 
right. Brock is gay, and that was fine 
with the right as long as he was doing 
its work. But soon he was on the outs. 
He went through a crisis of conscicnce. 
I don't know if it was about atoning, 
but he wrote Blinded by the Right, which 
exposes the right-wing smear media. 
We have him on the show to talk about 
the right's lying and smearing. Here's 
the irony: His American Spectator article 
led to Clinton’s impeachment, yet I 
know that when Brock was starting his 
research center, he met with the Clin- 
tons to get help from their network of 
people. Talk about a guy who can for- 
give—thar’s Bill Clinton. 
PLAYBOY: What do you think is Bill Clin- 
ton's biggest regret? 
FRANKEN: I think Rwanda haunts him the 
most. We just let that slaughter happen. 
And I don’t know how he can't regret 
Monica Lewinsky, because that changed 
history in such a way. 
PLAYBOY: What's your take on former 
presidents Clinton and Bush getting 
together to raise funds for tsunami and 
hurricane relief? 
FRANKEN: Smart. Good causes. My take 
is that it helps Clinton rehabilitate his 
image by appearing with George H.W., 
an ex-president who gained stature after 
the Clinton blow job as a president who 
didn’t get a blow job. 
PLAYBOY: You were a strong supporter of 
Clinton's, but he was hardly the most lib- 
eral Democrat. 
FRANKEN: Liberal Democrats com- 
plained about his triangulating between 
the liberals and conservatives in Con- 
gress. He went down the middle. With 
the 1993 Deficit Reduction Act, Clin- 
ton did a good job of getting our defi- 
cit under control by changing our tax 
structure enough to give the markets 
confidence that we were actually going 
to address the deficit. He increased 
taxes on people at the top while beef- 
ing up the tax credit for those at the 
bottom. That set the stage for welfare 
reform. He passed the Brady Bill. He 
tried universal health care. 
PLAYBOY: And universal health care 
never got off the ground. 
FRANKEN: They made it more complicated 
than it had to be, which made it vulner- 
able to criticism. Hillary is brilliant, but 
she made mistakes there. That combined 
with the special interests that wanted to 
Kill it. Talk about obstructionism. Bill 
Kristol basically sent out a memo to 
Republicans saying their job was to stop 
universal health care from happening. 
He didn't want Clinton to have this his- 
toric achievement. The thing I hate most 
about Washington is that people want to 
stop you from doing things just so you 
don't have the achievement. 
PLAYBOY: What about George W. Bush's 
achievements? 
FRANKEN: The Bush administration 
(continued on page 128) 


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48 


TET КГМ» 


IT WAS THE BIGGEST SCAM IN INTERNET HISTORY, 
THE CASE OF THE PURLOINED DIGITAL GOLD MINE 
THAT SENT TWO MEN INTO AN TI-YEAR LEGAL 
BRAWL OVER MONEY. POWER AND SEX 


SEX.LUM 


BY 
MICHAEL 
BROSS 


GARY KREMEN AT THE SAN DIEGO MANSION AWARDED HIM BY 
THE COURTS AS PARTIAL PAYMENT FOR THE THEFT OF SEX.COM. 


“That’s him! Ohmigod, ohmigod, ohmigod!” 
We were cruising the streets of Tijuana in August 2005, look- 
ing for a man named Stephen Michael Cohen, a fugitive from 
American justice, a lifelong thief and a silver-tongued con art- 
ist so gifted that even his victims and the lawmen who have 
pursued him for 30 years admire him 

The man shouting in a high-pitched voice was one of those 
victims—Gary Kremen, a 42-year-old millionaire who, 11 years 
ago, had been the mark in a bold and elaborate scheme in which 
Cohen took from him the most valuable domain name on the 
Internet, Sex.com. Kremen has been pursuing Cohen for more 
than a decade, first trying to get his property back, then seeking 
to enforce a federal order that would return to him $65 million 
in lost proceeds from the website. In the process, Kremen spent 
almost everything he had—about $5 million—on lawyers. 

Hands on the wheel, head swiveling, face reddening, Kremen 
kept on shouting as he swerved to the curb. “Get out of the 
car!" he screeched. “Get out! Go talk to him!” 

Kremen's eyes were wild. He hadn't seen Cohen face-to-face 
in more than four years, not since the day they had first met, 
at a legal deposition, and failed to settle their differences. 
Kremen wanted a confrontation but clearly didn't want any part 
of it himself. That was to be my job. 

Across four lanes of Tijuana traffic, outside a black-glass 
office building and standing next to a soccer-mom-style Honda 
CR-V was a pasty guy in dumpy jeans and a Beverly Hills Polo 
Club T-shirt, carrying two cell phones on his hip. Cell phones, | 
already knew, were his weapon of choice. 

PHOTOGRAPHY EY GUI ARGENTINI 


50 


“Steve Cohen?” | asked as | trot- 
ted up to him, notepad in one hand, 
the other outstretched. He seemed to 
flinch, and his eyes swept the street 
as he tentatively shook my hand. 
Walking into a cloud of his cologne, 
I studied the man who'd been avoid- 
ing me with elaborate lies. When 
we'd spoken a few days earlier, he'd 
claimed he was in Monte Carlo run- 
ning a casino, extending credit to 
high rollers, getting his private Cita- 
tion jet fueled up for a jaunt. 

“Uh, what are you doing here?" 
he asked, struggling for composure. 
Cohen, 57, looked as unimpressive as 
а тап can look and sounded very little 
like a canny international fugitive. 

For the next 10 minutes | peppered 
him with questions, sure that | was 
safe because Kremen and a private 
investigator he had brought along 
were nearby in a Grand Cherokee. 
But then Cohen recovered and grad- 
ually nudged me into the building, 
guiding me into a cracked-leather 
chair in a dimly lit conference room 
in the office of his attorney, Gustavo 
Cortes Carbajal, known in Tijuana as 
El Sapo, the Toad. 

The Toad's hand gripped my 
shoulder, his pockmarked face 
inches from mine. “Mi casa es su casa," he said. “Please 
don't steal anything.” Cohen, the world-class thief, seemed 
to smirk too. The fear was gone, the color back in his face. 
The con man's vaunted confidence returned, and his words 
poured out in a honeyed flood. “I don't live here. | live in 
Europe,” he said. “I'm normally in Europe. Tell Kremen you 
saw me. No, I'd appreciate it if you didn't. | don't want my 
whereabouts known to him. The days between Kremen and 
me are totally over. Kremen spends his life on this. | don't 
have the time and energy. If the Supreme Court rules in my 
favor, I'll give you the exclusive.” 

In the middle of his speech, | felt my cell phone vibrate with 
a text message from Kremen: COHEN SHOOTING IN BLACK BUILDING. 

Jarred, confused and certain I'd hear nothing more of value 
from Cohen, | got out of there as fast as I could. Back in 
Kremen's Jeep, | asked what the message was all about. 

“Just fucking with you," Kremen said. 


When the history of the Internet is written, the taking of 
Sex.com will be one of its most entertaining chapters, not 
just because it was the biggest theft in Internet history but 
because the decadelong tragicomedy established a simple 
but vital legal principle: Internet domain names, unlike 
song titles but like songs, are property subject to conver- 
sion; in other words, they can be stolen. Open a property- 
law book. It's in there. 

That such an important precedent arose from a legal spit- 
ball fight between two social misfits like Cohen and Kremen 
is but one of the ironies here. Aside from the law and the vast 
sums involved, the real story is the human one, with all the 
complexity and confusion that color relationships. This wes 
the greatest duel ever fought on the world's newest lawless 
frontier, once upon a time out there in the ever-morphing ether 
of cyberspace, the ultimate morals-free zone. 

Kremen and Cohen, white hat and black hat, turned out 
to be as similar as they are different, not just brilliant, 
pudgy nerds, not just multitasking, tech-obsessed, stay-up- 
all-night geeks with the ambition to make bags of money, 


KING CON? STEPHEN MICHAEL COHEN IN 1966 AT VAN 
NUYS HIGH SCHOOL, IN CUSTODY IN SAN OIEGO IN 2005. 
ONTHE STREETS OF TIJUANA WITH THE AUTHOR. 


but remorseless, opportunistic com- 
petitors determined not just to win 
but to delight in the other’s losing— 
and also get famous and laid in the 
process. “Cohen is someone just as 
twisted and smart as Gary,” says 
Sex.com's resident porn star, Kym 
Wilde, who began consulting for 
Kremen in 2001. "It's what Gary 
admires and appreciates." 

In a phone call before we tracked 
him down in TJ, as the locals call his. 
border-town home, Cohen had refused 
to talk about Sex.com at all. "In the 
circles | run in," he said, claiming 
he'd invested in hotels and casinos, 
"sex doesn't mix. | made millions in 
the sex business. | make more today. 
You move on." 

Of course, those are all lies. For 11 
years Cohen and Kremen have been 
locked together as tightly as Holmes 
and Moriarty, or the Road Runner 
and Wile E. Coyote. In the struggle 
both men embraced with gusto, they 
not only came to define each other 
but nearly became the same person. 
Cohen grew to respect Kremen's 
dogged pursuit of justice; Kremen 
couldn't help but emulate Cohen's 
ability to damn the consequences 
and go full speed ahead. 

Yet one crucial difference remains: Kremen wants to 
win while playing by the rules. Cohen thinks flouting them 
makes life worth living. 


Kremen doesn't look the part, but he's some kind of genius. 
Born in 1963, he grew up in Skokie, Illinois, "part geek," 
he says, "but definitely a hell-raiser." We're sitting in a con- 
ference room in Sex.com's vast, underpopulated office in San 
Francisco, after a staff meeting so full of techie jargon I’ve man- 
aged to understand only that the company sells clicks: When he 
wrested back control of the site in 2001, Kremen turned it into 
a Wal-Mart of porn, but the only products he offers are links. 
Each time a surfer clicks on one, the target website pays Sex 
.com a few cents from an escrow account. The amount the 
target agrees to pay, which is arrived at via a complex bid- 
ding system, determines how high on the page its link appears. 
When a customer types, say, "redhead blow job" on the Sex 
.com home page, the top position naturally costs the most. But 
don't search for violence, kiddie porn or bestiality. Kremen is 
like Wal-Mart in that way, too. He lists only what's relatively 
decent to look at. As a result he has gained an oxymoronic 
reputation as online porn's Mr. Clean, who neither produces nor 
distributes the stuff himself. 

Part of his story is that he has been one of the good guys 
since he learned his lesson as a kid. "I hung out with this 
group of stoner, heavy metal, break-into-the-school-and-trash- 
things people," Kremen says. "We took all the money from the 
Coke machines. They called my parents, and they said, ‘Put 
him in the jail cell for 10 minutes.' | became a good child." 

His father was a driver's-ed instructor and ham radio opera- 
tor; hís mother taught accounting. It's appropriete, then, that 
Kremen studied science and dreamed of money, but during 
his years of studying and working he also developed a pent-up 
desire for kink. This somewhat explains the presence of B&D star 
Wilde, who is not just a Sex.com consultant but also Kremen’s 
occasional chauffeur. Yet sex isn't his priority: When Wilde was 
late picking us up from the Oakland airport, he banished her 
to the backseat for the trip back to (continued on page 134) 


“This is going to be a Valentine's Day you'll never forget...!” 


52 


KISSED BY | HE 
TUSCAN SUN 


Savor the rich flavors of beautiful Tuscany 


By Jason Harper 


\ t five o'clock on a July evening, a welcome breeze 
finally cuts the lazy heat. We're at the Dievole win- 
ery in the tiny village of Vagliagli, nestled in the 
lush hills outside Siena in Tuscany. Like something 

from A Midsummer Night’s Dream, this magical place exists 
beyond the reach of normal time. Nothing has changed here 
for centuries, and nothing likely will. Tourists rarely come to 
the Valley of Garlic, as the name translates, despite its loca- 
tion in popular C ‘The meandering road from the city 
ends here. Vagliagli is its own destination. 

We've come to this place to pay homage to its beauty—the 
wine, the countryside and the women. So far things are mov- 
ing along splendidly. A farmer who works at the winery leads 
out a brilliant white horse, his own, and looks up shyly at the 
models—Lucia, Monika, Laura and Ida. Photographer Guido 
Argentini begins snapping shots of Monika with the horse, who 


has taken a liking to her. Then it's off to the grape fields, where 
Lucia basks in the sun. Her natural beauty complements the 
vines, which are heavy with clusters of juicy grapes mere months 
from the harvest. After that we call it a day. No one works too 
hard here. The name of the winery translates to “God wants.” 
It is very much what we want as well. 

"This winery was once purchased for three chickens, two 
loaves of bread and a silver coin,” says Argentini's charismatic 
cousin Dario Castagno. He would know: He not only lives 
in Vagliagli, he's a longtime tour guide in Tuscany, suffering 
16 years of tourists’ questions and comments with humor. (A 
favorite: "Italians really don't know how to cook Italian food.") 
He's even written a book about his experiences, 700 Much Tis- 
can Sun, a play on the title of the best-selling book by Fran- 
ces Mayes. Castagno has plenty of funny stories about Yanks 
stumbling around the Old World, most of them giddy and 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY GUIDO ARGENTINI 


wide-eyed. Americans are in the midst of 
a full-blown love affair with Italy—Tus- 
cany in particular. Milan is crowded with 
beautiful women, and you'll never lack 
for entertainment in the Vespa-buzzing 
madness of Rome. But one big city 
ultimately resembles another; to truly 
understand a place, you must go where 
you can dig your toes into the soil 

The region of Tuscany lies in central 
Italy, bounded by the Tyrrhenian and 
Ligurian seas to the west and sleepy 
Umbria to the cast, with Rome a fair 
distance to the south. It's a place gen- 
tly bleached by the sun, its rolling hills 
blanketed with grapevines and cypres 
trees, Age-old villages rise on the high- 
est points and in the valleys. Much of 
this area is forested, and in some parts it 
is illegal to build anything new on unde- 
veloped lands or restore old properties 
with new architecture. You'll often find 
old men on the deserted roads, walk- 
ing crablike to some distant destination: 
The simplest thing—a fresh fig, a sip of 
wine—somehow tastes unprecedentedly 
delicious. This slice of Italy is one of the 
few places left in the world that prove 
as sweet and earthy as your imagination 
would have them. 

We make it to the city of Siena in time 
to catch the young women in full-blown 
flirting mode during the traditional 
evening stroll, the passeggiata, using 
the same coded greetings and glances 
their mothers and grandmothers used 
on suitors before them. Although only 
some 50,000 citizens live here, Sicna 
has a long history of war and conflict 
with neighboring Florence for regional 
dominance. Florentines still claim Siena 
is full of “towers, bells and sons of 
bitches.” Castagno retorts, “We simply 
remind the Florentines of their defeat 
at the Battle of Montaperti, which took 
place in 1260—and add that it could 
happen again.” 

"The next day Argentini shoots Monika 
and Ida in a hay field under an amazing 
blue sky. He captures Lucia picking fruit 
from a tree, her brunette locks cascad- 
ing down her naked back, then Laura 
cuddling with Lucia on a cypress-lined 
road. And then we head back to town for 
more heavenly food and wine: carpaccio 
tartufato—glorious truffles!—with aged 
balsamic vinegar, and vassoio di formaggi, 
a plate of cheeses, some hard and crum- 
bly, others light and smooth. Everything 
here is succulent, wholesome and 
sensual—especially the women. There's 
a sense of freedom that makes them 
blossom. If growing up in the rich earth 
produces such intense flavor in a grape, 
what must it do to a person? 

stagno sums it up nicely: "In Tu: 
cany you can do whatever you want. 
Want to take a nude swim in the river? 
Dive into the crystal-clear waters. You 
won't see anybody for hours.” 


EXCITING 


A WOMAN TAKES A HANDS-ON APPROACH TO HEALING 


MEDICINE 


nce on the N-Judah train. 

Twice on BART. Three 

times in a stranger's car 
traveling toward Los Altos, where 
rows of dead houses are waiting. 
Fifteen times in the living room 
of her small flat in the Richmond, 
with friends and casual acquain- 
tances who have agreed to help. 
And each time she repeats aman- 
tra she learned from her piano 
teacher 20 years ago: Practice is 
the key to success. 

Really, it is not unlike any other 
task requiring manual dexterity. 
She is studying to get her license. 
The study is self-directed, but 
the licenses are 100 percent 
official and distributed by the 
health department. Prescrip- 
tion drugs are expensive these 
days, the Canadian border has 
been closed, progressive health 
departments are rapidly moving 
toward a concept of nurture over 
narcotics. The medically admin- 
istered hand job has become a 
common treatment for a number 
of nonterminal illnesses: 

* Heart arrhythmia 

* Asthma 

* Tendonitis 

* Premature male-pattern 

baldness 

* Back pain 

* Nearsightedness 

* Farsightedness 

* Depression 

* Full or partial paralysis 

* Hypertension 

Surprisingly, the most obvious 
ailments are never treated in this 
manner. Men with sexual malfunc- 
tion, testicular cancer, herpes and 
urinary-tract infections are forced 
to go the traditional route. In a 
new crop of informative medi- 
cal journals geared sympatheti- 
cally toward the layperson, hand 
jobs are referred to as a "through 
the back door" method. Heal the 
cock, and the heart/mind/knee/ 
spine will follow. 

Pulling earnestly on the fleshy 
stub of one arthritic Mr. Delfoy, the 
wheels of the 22-Filmore going 
round-round-round like a song 
she remembers from kindergarten, 
she notices that Mr. Delfoy's fin- 
gers are gripping his briefcase 
with strength and agility. /s he 
really even arthritic? she wonders 
as the 22-Filmore comes to a halt 
in front of a rowdy schoolyard. Mr. 


ILLUSTRATION BY ISTVAN BANYA! 


61 


62 


Delfoy answered her ad in the paper calling for courteous, professional, 
middle-aged males to help her study for her exam, She met him at the 
agreed-upon time at the bus stop at Steiner and Broadway. They exchanged 
polite introductions, then boarded the bus together. Now that it is a medically 
accepted practice, no more or less controversial than doctor-prescribed 
marijuana, one often sees people engaging quietly in the treatment in public 
places, although some degree of discretion is expected. This time, for exam- 
ple, the patient laid his jacket over his lap before she commenced with the 
procedure. Mr. Delfoy lets go of the case; she lets go of him and wipes her 
hand on a napkin. The entire transaction, from initial meeting to completion, 
has taken less than 10 minutes. 

She recognizes, of course, that the system harbors great potential for abuse. 


Not long ago she worked as a copywriter for a small PR firm. Her career 
change was precipitated by a tragic event. 

In Los Altos last month, wildfires swept in during a dry spell. Multimillion- 
dollar homes in the hills burning. Her own sister trapped up there, just 16 
and probably painting her toenails or doing homework when she saw 
the flames approaching. Unlike the other 12 victims, her sister didn’t die 
of smoke inhalation. With the first floor of the house already ablaze, she 
jumped out the third-floor window just moments before the fire truck 
arrived. “She would have made it,” one fireman said, shaking his head, 
toeing the ground with a sneaker. He said this at a public barbecue in the 


park, a charity event for the victims. "We were so close.” He pulled a thin 
slice of pickle off his burger and dropped it on the ground. 

Her sister did not break a single bone, but she hit her head on the 
garden’s decorative brick border. The hardy geraniums survived. 

Even as her sister was being carried away on a stretcher, the hoses 
were uncoiled, the mighty house was saved. Inside the house on the sec- 
ond floor were two live cats, one live dog, a school of exotic saltwater 
fish making their rounds in the giant aquarium. Outside, there was one 
dead sister. It was so like her to go gracefully—nothing broken, nothing 
bruised, not even a cut on the skull. But inside her head, where math- 
ematics had beautifully ruled, where equations and logarithms filled the 
intricate mazes, inside that lovely head the shoe-in for valedictorian, the 
good daughter, the baby sister, bled and bled and bled. 


The licensing exam is in three parts: written, oral and manual. The written 
is mostly multiple choice with a couple of short-answer questions thrown 
in to weed out the blatantly stupid 

Oral is the bedside-manner portion of the exam. and it is strictly hands- 
off. The student sits face-to-face with a test subject who reads from a 
script. A panel of examiners watches from behind two-way glass. The test 
subject says things like "I have been experiencing sharp, shooting pains 
in my right calf" or "My doctor prescribed this treatment for migraines." 
The examinee then explains to the test subject what she is going to do 
and how it is going to help him. Every now and then the test subject will 
throw in a question or comment fraught with emotional land mines. This 
is where about 20 percent of potential licensees fail the examination. For 
example, the test subject might say, "I want you to take off your shirt,” or 
“If you fuck me, no one will know.” A skilled practitioner of the art will 
dismiss these comments in a polite but professional manner. A weaker 
examinee will become angry or flustered or, worse, flirtatious 


During the wake, a man she had never seen before walked up to the casket. 
This man put his hands on her dead sister's face, and he stood there for a 
long time and cried. After a while the family members became uncomfort- 
able. She was delegated the task of removing the weeping stranger from 
the casket. She went up and stood beside him. His hands on her sister's 
face were very small. He was wearing a wedding ring 

“Excuse me,” she said. He looked up. His eyes were red, his short black 


beard streaked with tears. "We 
haven't met,” she said, feeling ridicu- 
lous. “She was my sister.” 

“Oh,” he said. "Your sister took 
a summer course in astronomy 1 
taught at the university" He glanced 
around at the crowd of mourners 
waiting for their turn et the casket. 
"She didn't mention me, did she?" 

For a moment she deliberated. She 
looked at his small hands, his short 
beard, the hopefulness in his eyes. 
"As a matter of fact, she did. She said 
you were a very good teacher." 

"Thank you." the man said, wiping 
his eyes with the back of his sleeve. 
Then he went away. 


An interesting fact: While the ranks 
of general-practitioner nurses remain. 
primarily female, the new specialty 
in manual manipulation attracts 
mainly males. She learned this on 
CNN. in a heated debate between a 
well-known Democratic senator, who 
supports medicinal hand jobs, and 
the president of the American Fami- 
lies Action Committee. The latter 
said, "God will strike America down 
like Sodom and Gomorrah if this is 
allowed to continue!" It was later 
revealed that the president of the 
AFAC and his entire senior staff had 
been receiving treatments at a less 
than reputable clinic in Montgomery, 
Alabama for going on two years. 

Another interesting fact: The test 
subjects used in the examinations 
are never, ever average. They are 
either devastatingly sexy or mon- 
strously ugly, the intention being 
to detect and discard two unwor- 
thy segments of the applicant 
pool: those of questionable morals 
and those lacking in compassion. 
She hopes she will get an ugly test 
subject. In this world, she is sus- 
ceptible to two things: captive ele- 
phants and good-looking men. She 
has been known to make self- 
destructive sacrifices for members 
of both species. Her last boyfriend, 
for example, was six-foot-four and 
worked part-time as a hand model. 
It was for him thet she moved into 
an Airstream trailer in Pacifica, for 
him that she cut her hair short and 
took up vegetarianism. 


The last time she saw her sister 
was at the Albertsons on California 
Street. They ran into each other at 
the checkout. Her sister had been 
busy with high school, she had been 
busy with her job at the PR firm, they 
had not seen each other in almost a 
month. They had always liked each 
other but had never been very close 
because there were 15 years between 
them. (continued on page 145) 


“It’s a guy looking for a girl who gave him a blow job in the elevator last night.” 


63 


special report: 


e 
sh 


«the 


e) 


very year they come to Las Vegas in October. By the 

thousands, the average of physique migrate to the 

desert to worship at the Super Bowl of supermen, 

the Olympia contest, in which the best bodybuilders 
in the world—maie and female—compete for the most 
money and the most prestige. 

And every year, Ronnie Coleman, the greatest bodybuilder 
of all time, ends it on exactly the wrong note. “My message 
to y'all is this: Let's start being good to one another. Let's 
start putting our faith in our lord and savior, Jesus Christ,” 
he said during the 2005 contest after collapsing on the stage 
of the Orleans Arena when he won the Mr. Olympia title for 
the eighth time. Coleman didn’t quite collapse into the fetal 
position, but it was as close as 300 pounds of muscle on a 
five-foot-nine frame can get to fetal. And there he remained, 
folded, oiled, hairless, clad in a G-string, his truly maximum 
gluteus maximus muscles angled slightly upward to heaven. 
For almost a minute and a half he stayed there, until he was 
presented with the winner's check for $150,000. 

“God has a plan for each and every one of y'all," he said. 
"There's something that he has in store for you that you never 
know what it is until you just keep your faith in him and you 


keep striving, keep working hard, stay dedicated, stay faithful, 
do the right thing. | never ever thought I'd become Mr. Olym- 
pia, but God had a plan for me, and I'm carrying it out and 
I'm enjoying it. Please keep your faith in God. Keep praying. 
Never give up. Never give up. Never give up." 

So there he was, a guy with biceps as big as my head—who 
looks like Arnold Schwerzenegger filtered through Picasso's 
cubist period, with terrifying fractals of sinew thrusting in direc- 
tions heretofore unknown in human anatomy, with veins that 
bulge like snakes digesting a hamster—and he was speaking to 
this audience of about 6,000 true-believing muscleheads at the 
climactic moment of the number-one display of earthly power in 
asport that is about nothing except the display of earthly power, 
and what did Ronnie Coleman do? He endorsed an ancient 
philosopher who said, “The meek shall inherit the earth.” 


eee 
DY 


Charles M. Young 


Massive heads and godlike glutes...pump 
lovers, schmoes...and the biggest arms in the 
history of arms. Backstage at Mr. Olympia and 
the freaky world of professional bodybuilding 


It was enough to cause cognitive dissonance in the mus- 
clehead audience, and in previous years they had booed 
him. This year they didn't. They sat confused while the rest 
of the winners were announced. After a year of monastic 
training, Jay Cutler, Coleman’s main rival, finally showed 
up with a wingspan to match Coleman's heretofore unchal- 
lenged arms. But Cutler finished second, as he had in four 
previous contests. A relatively new guy, Gustavo Badell, 
finished third for the second time. The German Günter 
Schlierkamp, with his 100-watt smile and Schwarzenegger- 
esque accent, had finally smoothed over a problem with 
his glute-hamstring tie-ins (a.k.a. saggy ass) and may have 
deserved higher than fourth. But for now all roads to the 
summit of Olympia go through Coleman, who has the most 
colossal biceps, triceps, glutes, lats and everything else 


A SHORT VISUAL HISTORY OF THE ART AND SPORT OF BODYBUILD- 
ING. OPPOSITE PAGE: LARRY SCOTT, THE FIRST MR. OLYMPIA. THIS 
PAGE, CLOCKWISE FROM LARGE PHOTO ON LEFT: JAY CUTLER, MR. 
UNIVERSE 1950 STEVE REEVES, LARRY SCOTT, THREE-TIME MR. OLYM- 
PIA SERGIO OLIVA, EIGHT-TIME WINNER LEE HANEY, THREE-TIME WIN- 
NER FRANK ZANE, SEVEN-TIME CHAMP ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER. 


66 


in the entire history of bodies, as well as a mouth that is 
incapable of talking smack in this pagan age when only the 
loudest, foulest and most unsportsmanlike get noticed. 

The problem had been noted. The previous Olympia, 
in 2004, was the last to be held at the Mandalay Bay 
hotel and the first to be run by American Media Inc. 
(publisher of Star and The National Enquirer), which 
bought a line of fitness magazines and 50 percent of 
the Olympia from Joe and Ben Weider, two brothers who 
have run the sport through the International Federation 
of BodyBuilders, or IFBB, since 1946. American Media 
pledged to bring bodybuilding into the 21st century 
with a large dollop of celebrity glitz, smack talk from 
professional wrestlers, a projected computerized score- 
board with buzzers and flashing lights and a new system 
of scoring, which nobody understood, to replace the old 
system, which nobody understood either. 

AMI announced all this during the 2004 Olympia at a 
press conference in the main arena before it brought in the 
competitors, about 60 in all in the different divisions: Mr. 
Olympia, Ms. Olympia, Ms. Fitness Olympia and Ms. Figure 
Olympia. Most bodybuilders, being intense introverts who 


can take the long hours of solitary weight lifting and pre- 
fer to let their muscles do their talking, have a problem 
becoming celebrities, who must display social skills. After 
the sainted Schwarzenegger, can you even name a contem- 
porary bodybuilder? Fabio? Lou Ferrigno? 

Faced with this dilemma, AMI executives had drafted Triple 
H, a champion wrestler from the WWE, which specializes in 
the art of talking smack, to serve as master of ceremonies. 

“What do you think of the new format?” Triple H asked 
Coleman. 

“If the new format is all about competing, that's what I'm 
here for,” said Coleman. 

“Can you beat Ronnie?” he asked Cutler. 

“We'll see on Saturday," Cutler said. 

"That's tired bodybuilding talk for ‘I'm going to whip his 


ss," said Triple Н. He had the formidable job of eliciting 
Se 


THE OLYMPIA OFFERS THE BIGGEST PRIZE IN PROFESSIONAL BODY- 
BUILDING AND INCLUDES TITLES FOR MEN AND WOMEN. ABOVE FROM 
LEFT: JAY CUTLER, A FOUR-TIME NUMBER TWO, PREPARES FOR THE 
COMPETITION IN 2004; RONNIE COLEMAN, WHO HAS WON THE TITLE 
EIGHT TIMES (ONCE MORE THAN SCHWARZENEGGER), SHOWS HIS STRI- 
ATED GLUTES; MUSCLEHEADS RESPECT WOMEN WHO ENJOY THE PUMP. 


repartee from the exhausted competitors, who dehydrate 
themselves and eat only protein before a competition to get 
their skin wrapped tightly on their muscles for maximum 
definition. Deprived of energy, their brains develop a tempo- 
rary form of dementia; they forget to sign documents or lose 
their keys and leave their posing music at home. They'll say, 
“Oh sorry, man. Low carbs. | can't remember nothin'." 

Finally Schlierkamp got into the spirit and threatened to 
kick Coleman's ass. “1 did it before, and I can do it again,” 
he announced. Which was true, but the ass kicking was in 
2002 in a minor contest in New Orleans. 

“What have you done lately?" asked Coleman. “1 did what 
I had to do. It's on, baby. This is the show.” 

They then stood up. They glared. They tore off their sweat 
suits. They flexed their muscles at each other. 


OR]‏ ڪڪ 


zenegger filtered through 
Picasso's Cubist period. 


"YOU'RE GOING TO BE A BUM" 


ack in the misty aeons of yore, some ape with an 

unusually large cranial capacity, searching for pro- 

tein, plunged a stick into an anthill and created the 

first labor-saving device. A few thousand generations 
later, the ape's descendants created a world full of labor-saving 
devices, especially for the middle and upper classes, the males 
of which began to notice they all looked like pussies. Hav- 
ing eliminated the economic necessity of muscle, they found 
themselves without its ornamental aspect. It seemed wrong 
that guys who were dumb enough to still do actual productive 
work should possess the bulges and ripples that melt females 
and awe other males. 

Something had to be done, or even lifted. One of the first 
American entrepreneurs to figure out that this vast demographic 
of unmanned men and yet to be manned boys might be a mar- 
ket was Bob Hoffman (1898-1985), a World War | veteran who 
turned a small foundry into an assembly line for labor-creating 
devices: York Barbell of York, Pennsylvania, the Microsoft of 
muscle in the mid-20th century. With Hoffman's workers 
doubling as a weight-lifting team, (continued on page 140) 


' be a sentimental fool, Harker!” 


on’ 


“D 


67 


68 


e 


those who dare) 


CAUCUS 


They don’t equivo Ду 


Or obfuscate. 
They are the гаг ohare m 


mean and mea 


by 
Jeff Greenfield 


ou will never find them gathered together, because 

they have never held a meeting, much less a fund- 

raising cocktail party or dinner. They have never 

issued a press release or a list of talking points for 
one of their members to disgorge on a TV talk show. They have 
no legislative agenda and no common set of policies, programs 
or beliefs. Among their ranks you will find members as far left 
and right as anyone in the United States Congress. 

Few if any of them even think of themselves as mem- 
bers—which is perfectly reasonable since they have 
earned membership only through the highly informal 
judgments of their colleagues, their subordinates and 
members of the press. Yet of all the honors these men 
and women may accumulate in their years in Washing- 
ton, for all the trophies, plaques, scrolls and statuettes 


what they 
they say 
N 


wha 


that clutter their offices, a nomination to this caucus is 
what sets them apart from the vast majority of their peers. 

What caucus? 

The No-Bullshit Caucus. 

Members are not defined by their voting record but by 
their willingness to speak (more or less) plain English in a 
Washington world where the official language is Bloviation: 
a tongue that extends a simple sentence into a multisyl- 
labic assault on common sense. Members are likely to call 
a spade a spade; most of their congressional colleagues are 
just as likely to call a spade a handheld implement used for 
the purpose of removing soilage from the firmament. More 
important, they exhibit a willingness, sometimes an eager- 
ness, to commit political heresy, to challenge the orthodoxies 
cf their own party's partisans and interest groups. 


After nearly 40 years of working in and then covering 
American politics, I've found few memories more enduring 
than those of a political figure exemplifying the traits of a 
No-Bullshit Caucus member. 

In 1968, as a very young aide working on Robert Kennedy’s 
doomed presidential campaign, | watched Kennedy engage 
college audiences on questions of war, peace and the draft. 

“How many of you support student deferments?” he would 
ask. The vast majority of hands would be raised 

“I'm against them," he'd say to a chorus of boos. 

Then he would ask who got these deferments: those in 
college and graduate school, mostly people of solidly 
middle- and upper-class backgrounds. Whom did that leave 
out? Overwhelmingly, blacks, Latinos and poor whites. He'd 
tell them of families with two or three brothers who had been 


drafted and sent to Vietnam because there was no money or 
connections to get them into college. 

Often he'd add, "When my son is ready for college, he's 
going to get in because his father is a wealthy and powerful 
man." If this generation is really passionate about social 
justice and fairness, Kennedy would concluce, it can't in 
good conscience back this special privilege for itself. 

In the summer of 1977 | followed New York representative 
Ed Koch through a series of Brooklyn beach clubs during his 
mayoral campaign; his prospects were sufficiently dim that 
I was the only member of the press to tag along that day. 
One of Koch's campaign planks was a firm pledge not to 
permit police officers and firefighters to strike. On this day 
his handshaking was interrupted by a middle-aged woman 
who angrily informed him that her son was a police officer 


69 


and that the police were inadequately 
paid for the dangers they faced 

“Madam,” Koch said flatly, “your son 
does not have the right to put the public 
safety in danger.” 

In 1992 former senator Paul Tson- 
gas was speaking before an audience 
of committed New Hampshire environ- 
mentalists. One asked if, as a symbol of 
his commitment to the cause, Tsongas 
would require his senior staff members 
to use mass transit. 

“Are you nuts?” Tsongas said in effect. 
(I am paraphrasing here, but the tenor 
of his reply could not have been more 
blunt.) “If I've got a major national 
security crisis on my hands, you want 
my advisors to wait for the Metro?” 

Another member of the same group, 
no doubt responding to Tsongas's slight 
build and slight lisp, wondered if he 
would be “tough enough” to stand up 
to powerful lobbyists. Tsongas, who 
was in a long-term battle with the lym- 
phoma that would ultimately take his 
life, locked at his questioner for a long 
moment and replied, “Have you ever 
had to tell your children that you are 
going to die?” 

That political journalists treasure such 
moments testifies to the infrequency of 
plain, honest political speech. But why? 
Why is it so hard to come by? 

Here, based on public and private 
conversations with politicians and 
journalists, are some answers. 


Why Do Most Politicians 
Talk That Way? 


"| grew up in Lawrenceburg,” says Fred 
Thompson, the former senator from Ten- 
nessee whose career has taken him from 
the Senate Watergate Committee staff to 
Hollywood to the United States Senate 
and back to acting. He plays the only- 
in-fantasyland pro-life, pro-death pen- 
alty Manhattan district attorney on Law 
& Order. “Lawrenceburg was the county 
seat," Thompson says, "and people 
used to talk about coming to town to 
hear the lawyers on a Saturday. They'd 
get up and make these grand, flowery 
arguments, and it was entertainment." 
Lawyers, Thompson notes, are not 
trained in clear, simple speech (a point 
this law-school refugee can heartily 
second). When they move into politics, 
“there's a tendency to behave and act 
the way they envision someone in their 
position ought to behave and act. In 
other words, they put on their senator's 
cap or vice president's or presiden- 
tial candidate's cap. That means they 
should sound a certain way—very seri- 
ous and knowledgeable—and if there's 
any humor, it's well scripted. That's a 
terrible mistake politicians make. But | 
think it's a protective cloak of some kind; 
it serves as protective armament." 
And this (continued on page 132) 


Left, Right and Center 


WE NAME 


NAMES 


——— xk == 


embers of the caucus were chosen after a wide-ranging, rigorously 

informal survey of congressional press secretaries, journalists and 

a handful of Senate and House members. There was no political or 
ideological litmus test, but there were limits. For instance, former Ohio 
representative James Traficant was certainly a blunt speaker—he once 
suggested locking feuding House members in an airtight room and forcing 
them to consume flatulence-causing food—but his conviction for bribery dis- 
qualified him. Ex-senator Jesse Helms made his views clear, but his role as “the 
last prominent unabashed white racist politician in this country,” as Washington 
Post columnist David Broder put it, placed him beyond the pale. Debunkers 
of any or all of these nominees who base their objection on a particular vote 
or temporizing conduct should note that we are grading on a curve here. 


Senator John McCain (R.-Ariz.) 
he chairman by acclamation. This self- 
proclaimed “proud Reagan conservative” 
campaigned in 2000 against some of the most 
beloved items in the GOP canon, including across- 
the-board tax cuts aimed principally at the afflu- 
ent. He championed campaign-finance reform, 
assailed the tobacco companies and, though he 
is a staunch supporter of the war in Iraq, all but 
demanded the resignation of Defense Secretary 
Donald Rumsfeld and assailed the mistreatment of 
prisoners and detainees at Abu Ghraib and Guan- 
tanamo. Critics have questioned his full-throated 
support and (literal) embrace of President Bush during Bush’s 2004 
campaign, concluding it was a strategy to position himself for 2008 
But McCain has shown few signs of political orthodoxy. Throughout 2005 
he chaired Senate investigations that peeled back the smarmy lobbying efforts 
of Jack Abramoff, including his links to then House majority leader Tom DeLay 
and other powerful Republicans. McCain's sense of humor is irrepressible; 
the former Navy flier delights in distinguishing himself from veterans of other 
services by explaining, “My parents were married.” 


Senator Russ Feingold (D.-Wis.) 

he other principal campaign-finance-reform 
leader, Feingold was a virtually unanimous 
choice for the caucus. It’s a rare officeholder who risks 
his political future by walking away from the huge 
financial advantages incumbency provides. But in 
1998 Feingold did just that by agreeing to sharp limits 
on campaign spending. When national Republicans 
began spending large sums of money on behalf of his. 
opponent, Feingold refused to let Democrats attack 
his opponent with so-called soft money. Feingold told 
them, "Get the hell out of my state with those things." 
He won by only three percentage points. He has often 
angered members of his own party. After the 1996 election, he called for an 
independent counsel to look into fund-raising practices of the Clinton-Gore 
campaign, and during the Clinton impeachment proceedings he was the only 

Democrat to vote against dismissing the charges without hearing evidence. 
An ardent civil libertarian, he cast the lone vote in the Senate against 
the Patriot Act, but he also voted to confirm the ardently conservative John 
Ashcroft as attorney general and John Roberts as chief justice. His passion 
for reform extends into his own pocket: He has repeatedly voted against 
cost-of-living increases for members of the Senate, even though he has one 
of the lowest net worths of any senator. 


Senator Tom Coburn (R.-Okla.) 

S ‘ou won't find a more socially conservative member 
of the Senate than Coburn, who has actually sug- 
gested that if abortion is outlawed, those who provide it 
might face the death penalty. But Coburn gains entrance 
by being a politician who not only fulminates against big 
spending but tries to do something about it—even when 
it comes with political costs. In 2005 Coburn was the one 
Senate member to vote against a $31.8 billion Homeland 
Security spending bill, because, he argued, it was stuffed 
with grants to local communities that had nothing to do 
with security. The bill passed 96-1, “reflecting the fact,” 
as the Los Angeles Times wrote, “that almost no senator 

wanted to be on record as opposing a major antiterrorism bill.” 

After Hurricane Katrina, Coburn went up agairst his fellow Republicans again. He 
took aim at a $286 billion highway bill that included funding for two bridges in Alaska 
costing nearly a combined half a billion dollars—one the infamous Bridge to Nowhere, 
the other, by some odd coincidence, named after the Alaskan representative who just 
happens to chair the committee that authorized the money for the bridges. Coburn pro- 
posed that funds for those bridges be redirected to rebuilding a New Orleans-area bridge 
that had been destroyed by Katrina. Coburn's proposal was overwhelmingly defeated. 

1 once asked Coburn—on the air—to explain why his party's spending practices 
had made him angry. 

"Oh," Coburn replied, “I'm not sure the right word is angry." 
| braced myself for the inevitable political side step: I'm disappointed, | regret, 
1 would have preferred, etc. 

Here's what he said: “It’s more...disgust." 


Senator Dianne Feinstein (D.-Calif.) 

си may expect this San Francisco-based politician 

from one of the bluest states in the union to be a 
reliably liberal voice and vote. But in Feinstein’s case, 
you'd be moderately mistaken—because moderate is 
the key here. She backs the death penalty, supported the 
president's 2001 tax cuts and voted to authorize the use 
of force in Iraq in the fall of 2002. (She later said she 
regretted her vote, claiming she'd been misled by bad 
intelligence that exaggerated the threat from Iraq.) She 
alienated some of her supporters in academia by calling 
for a six-month moratorium on new student visas after 
the 9/11 attacks, and she proposed a law barring people 
from nations that sponsor terrorism from entering the United States. Her most 
notable break with the Democratic Party's base came in 2003, when she was 
a leading supporter of school vouchers for the District of Columbia—an idea 
that teachers unions violently opposed. (Roughly one in 10 delegates to the 
last three Democratic National Conventions has been a member of a teachers 
union.) “As a former mayor,” Feinstein said, “| believe local leaders should have 
an opportunity to experiment with programs they believe are right for their area.” 
And Feinstein came down hard on Bill Clinton's frolic with Monica Lewinsky, 
proposing a formal congressional censure in lieu of impeachment. 


Senator Chuck Hagel (R.-Neb.) 
nthe wall of Hagel's Senate office is a framed quotation 
from Winston Churchill: “Nothing is more dangerous in 
wartime than to live in the temperamental atmosphere of 
a Gallup poll, always feeling one's pulse and taking one's 
temperature.” A reliable Republican vote on most economic 
and social issues, Hagel has repeatedly faced gale-force out- 
rage from his own party by consistently challenging Bush’s 
foreign policy moves before and during the Iraq war. He 
was critical of unilateral U.S. actions in Afghanistan, argu- 
ing that the White House ignored allies who were willing to 
engage in the fight on terror. He warned that projections 
of an easy transition to a post-Saddam regime in Iraq were 
wildly optimistic and charged in 2002 that Bush was “hell-bent” on going to war. 
The Vietnam combat veteran has even been willing to use the dreaded V-word in 
comparing the U.S. position in Iraq to the ill-fated Vietnam quagmire. For his pains 
he's been called everything from a handwringer to a traitor by some of his fellow 
Republicans—a charge that would make his potential 2008 presidential bid one of 
the more intriguing in recent decades. 


Representative 
Barney Frank (D.-Mass.) 
his 25-year 


veteran of 
the House of 
Representatives 
would make the 
caucus on rhe- 
torical grounds 
alone; there is 
no one with a 
faster, edgier 
or wittier com- 
mand of the 


language than Frank. 

The Almanac of American Politics has 
called him a “political theorist and pit 
bull, all at the same time,” noting that 
House staff members consistently vote 
him the brainiest and funniest member. 
These traits were on display very early; 
as a young Democratic activist, Frank 
responded to the defection of segrega- 
tionist senator Strom Thurmond to the 
Republicans in 1964 by writing a letter 
to The New York Times that noted, "It is 
better to give than to receive.” A famous 
campaign poster from his days as a Bos- 
ton pol shows a rumpled Frank sitting 
behind an impossibly cluttered desk and 
declares NEATNESS ISN'T EVERYTHING. When 
reporters asked Frank if he thought a 
GOP congressman had been denied 
a leadership post because he was too 
moderate or because he was gay, Frank 
said it was because his colleague was a 
moderate. And he added, “I'm going toa 
moderate bar after work tonight.” 

But it's more than wit. As the first 
openly gay member of Congress, Frank 
survived a near-death political embar- 
rassment in 1989 when the press dis- 
closed that Frank had employed a male 
prostitute as a personal aide and had 
allowed him the use of his apartment. 
Frank was up-front about his misjudg- 
ment, and his constituents forgave him. 

Nor does Frank toe a rigid politically 
correct line. He publicly chastised San 
Francisco mayor Gavin Newsom for 
authorizing gay weddings in the face 
of a contrary state law, calling them 
“pretend” marriages and “political 
hoopla with no gain.” 

When Al Sharpton ran for president 
in 2004 and almost no one in the 
Democratic Party dared to criticize 
the lone African American candidate, 
Frank was unsparing, saying, “His own 
record is really just shocking. Sharpton 
bragged about not paying taxes. If this 
came out about any other candidate 
for president, that would be the end 
of his candidacy.” 

Frank has a typically blunt explana- 
tion for his Frankness: “| don't like to 
waste words. And | think there is too 
much bloviating around from politicians. 
It seems to me that politicians ought to 
use the same words as other people.” 


71 


72 


resentative 


Jeff Flake (R.-Ariz.) 
his conser- 
vative Re- 
publican has 
shown an ex- 
traordinary will- 
ingness to take 
on his party lead- 
ers on a variety 
of issues, argu- 
ing that Repub- 
licans’ deeds 
simply do not 
match their words. Flake has gone so far 
as to vow that he would never ask appro- 
priators for a dollar for any local project 
while in the House, except for defense 
matters. As a freshman House member in 
2001, he began fighting to lift the ban 
on U.S. citizens traveling to Cuba and 
has worked to ease the trade embargo 
as well. He was also one of only two 
House members to vote against punish- 
ing Sudan for human rights abuses; es a 
Mormon missionary in Africa, Flake ar- 
gued that he had seen the human conse- 
quences of economic sanctions on third 
world countries. Flake has bucked his 
party on everything from Bush's educa- 
tion bill to the prescription drug bill to 
the $286 billion highway bill. 


Re; ntative 

Artur Davis (D.-Ala.) 
f a state in 
the deep 


South ever 
sends an Afri- 
can American 
tothe U.S. Sen- 
ate, 38-year-old 
Davis may be a 
likely contend- 
er. He won his 
office by defeat- 
ing an incum- 
bent black Democrat whose campaign 
questioned whether Davis was "black 
enough" and charged that the only thing 
Davis, a former federal prosecutor, had 
"done for black people is put them in 
jail." Despite the opposition of many 
members of the Congressional Black 
Caucus, Davis defeated the incumbent, 
and he continues to part company with 
many of the more liberal caucus mem- 
bers on a raft of topics. 

Says Davis, “Very few issues fit in this 
nice little box where you can say, ‘l'm 
going to wear my conservative hat all the 
time or my liberal hat all the time.’ | 
don't base my position on what people 
in Washington think." Indeed, a focus on 
race is something Davis warns against. 
“Too many of us, black and white," he 
has said, "are teaching our children first. 
and foremost about what separates us." 
Davis also parts company with many in 
his party on social issues and stresses 


pr 


that the “ideologues” dominating primaries often push Democratic nominees too 
far to the left. “There's a split on gay rights, but Democrats are not comfortable with 
the definition of marriage being changed or the easy availability of abortion,” he 
says. “But voters in primaries favored no restriction on abortion and were supportive 
of gay marriage. The challenge in 2008 is to do something with the nominating 
process, which now provides no meaningful opportunity for debate.” 


Representative Mike Pence (R.-Ind.) 
L* his Senate colleague Tom Coburn (see previous 
page), Pence is a small-government conservative who 
challenged his party's congressional leadership by target- 
ing $24 billion in pet projects attached to a major trans- 
portation bill Congress had recently passed and proposing 
cuts to offset the cost of Hurricane Katrina relief. Pence 
and a handful of colleagues also went after other spend- 
ing items—not just those dear to liberals, such as health 
care and food stamps, but also farm subsidies, an item 
dear to (mostly Republican) farm-state politicians. He is a 
staunch social conservative who opposes not just abortion 
3 but embryonic-stem-cell research. Pence has a libertarian 
streak as well, which prompted him to author a federal “shield law” bill to protect 
journalists from having to reveal their sources, 


Senator Barack Obama (D.-Ill.) 
ven before his landslide election to the Senate in 
2004, the self-described “skinny kid with the funny 

name” was being talked about as a future national can- 

didate thanks to his riveting speech at the 2004 Demo- 

Cratic National Convention. The concrete vividness of his 

words gave a fresh twist to the familiar “we are one people” 

theme. “We worship an awesome God in the blue states, 
and we don't like federal agents poking around our libraries 
in the red states,” he said. “We coach Little League in the 
blue states and have gay friends in the red states.” But what 

a makes this 44-year-old a contender for the No-Bullshit Caucus 

is his willingness to challenge the left flank of his own party. 

Though Obama voted against the confirmation of John Roberts as chief jus- 
tice, he rose to the defense of liberals such as Senator Russ Feingold, who was 
roundly denounced for voting in Roberts's favor. 

In an open letter to Daily Kos, an influen- 
tial website firmly rooted in the Democratic 
Party's liberal wing, Obama in effect told 
his party's base that it misunderstood the 
voters and the country. "Americans don't 
think George Bush is mean-spirited or prej 
udiced," he wrote, "but have become aware 
that his administration is irresponsible and 
often incompetent. They don't think corpo- 
rations are inherently evil (a lot of them work 
in corporations), but they recognize that big 
business, unchecked, can fix the game to 
the detriment of working people and small 
entrepreneurs. They don't think America is. 
an imperialist brute but are angry that the 
Case to invade Iraq was exaggerated." 

And he went further, zeroing in on social 
issues. "A pro-choice Democrat," he wrote, 


“Too many 
of us, black 
and white, 
are teaching 
our children 
first and fore- 
most about 
what separates 


us o S says "doesn't become antichoice because he or 
she isn’t absolutely convinced that a 12- 

U E S E Repre- year-old girl should be able to get an oper- 
. ation without a parent being notified. A 
sentative pro-civil rights Democrat doesn't become 


complicit in an anti-civil rights agenda 
because he or she questions the efficacy of 
certain affirmative action programs. When 
we lash out at those who share our funda- 
mental values because they have not met the criteria of every single item on 
our progressive ‘checklist,’ we are essentially preventing them from thinking 
in new ways about problems. We are tying them up in a straitjacket and forcing 
them into a conversation only with the converted 


Artur Davis. 


No matter what the weather. 
the sun is always shining 


THE BEACH 


ои know life is good when a Playmate kicks 

off her interview by peeling back her clothes. 

Cassandra Lynn doffs her duds to show us the 

five tattoos she has on her sun-kissed body—all 

of them butterflies. “My good friends call me 
Butterfly,” she says. “I started getting the tattoos at the 
age of 18.” She says she just likes butterflies, but we're 
reading a little more into it. 

Right around the time she got her first tattoo, Madame 
Butterfly spread her wings and flew from her native small 
town in Utah to Newport Beach, California, where the 
sun always shines and the sandy beaches beckon. She 
went to beauty school, but before her career as an aes- 
thetician could get rolling, she started getting noticed 
for her own looks. Now, as Miss February, Cassandra 
is gliding along in the loveliest way. She's also building 
a modeling career and working as a Miller girl. “| go to 
different bars and try to convince people to switch to 
Miller Lite," she says. "I do taste challenges, and my 
beer usually wins." We cannot imagine why. 

Cassandra's sea-blue eyes mirror her affinity for ocean 
play. Tailor-made for a two-piece, she recently placed 
in the top 20 at a Hawaiian Tropic suntan oil pageant, 
and she's an undisputed winner when the bikini comes 


off. “I love to run around the house naked,” she says, 
laughing. "It's natural." She was on the diving team in 
her high school, and she loves to scuba dive. "My favor- 
ite spot is Kona, Hawaii, where the lava tubes are so 
pretty," she says. "I'm not afraid of sharks or anything 
like that, but | don't like to touch the bottom." Although 
the 26-year-old beauty is in her element in a swimsuit, 
she's not afraid of the cold, either. She still goes back 
to Utah to snowboard in the winter. 

So let's get this straight. She dives in Hawaii, snow- 
boards in the Rockies, spends her days in a bikini 
on the beach and her nights in bars? Now that's our 
kind of girl. 

Since she is Miss February, we ask Cassandra to 
describe the most romantic Valentine's Day she can 
remember. She thinks for a moment, then says, "I have 
this friend, and he had my spare set of house keys. 
When | came home that night, the house was clean, 
the laundry was done, and he had roses spread out 
everywhere. He had a sheet laid out, candles lit and 
fondue all set for me. We had been just friends, but this 
guy pulled a lot of fun stuff out of his bag of tricks." By 
the look of her devilish grin, we're guessing Cassandra 
has a few tricks of her own. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY ARNY FREYTAG 


75 


80 


1 


See more of Miss February at cyber.playboy.com. 


PLAYMATE DATA SHEET 


NAME: dra کا‎ 

e 320 em 2A ams 38 — 

mem exse. МО 

BIRTH DATE: f o E абса ца _ 

AMBITIONS: be 
\aymake of O x ESL PEO 


TURN-ONS: A Man who Knows now Xo \reak a woman. T love 
a Yomantic who Opens dens, fine dining, Powers, Cards, eke 
turnorrs: Men uko are sector e, Cortos „cheap 1 

a AN ERE 


MY DREAM JOB: e t NU 
ex Xo: t ss — 


FIVE PEOPLE I'D LIKE TO MEET: eS Me 


Steven Tyler, Pamela Anderson, RAN Wome. 
CHAMPAGNE OR ner: амма Le... 


SPORTS I ENJOY: Ton Ced, ҮМ a big Ses Son, but I - 
do enjoy Scuba diving 4 Snowboarding - 


WHAT I WEAR TO BED: NS NC den 


i Me ak 1A im Newror’s 
+ was born £0 3 0\5 {додо WAS titen 
enserta). 5 = Veto change qurt CANT UN. 


PLAYBOY’S PARTY JOKES 


In a recent study, scientists found that red 
wine is good both for the heart and for seduc- 
ing hot coeds. 


Two women were talking about their sons who 
were off at college. “Му son is so brilliant,” the 
first woman said, “every time I get a letter from 
him I have to go to the dictionar; 

“You're lucky,” the other replied. “Every 
time I get a letter from my son, I have to go 
to the bank.” 


Kids in backseats cause accidents. Accidents 
in backseats cause kids. 


A busy couple whose schedules allowed them 
to have sex only once a month bought a box 
of 12 condoms so they would be set for a year. 
‘Three months down the road, the wife went to 
get one and found the box empty. “What hap- 
pened to the other 10 condoms?” she asked. 

He nervously replied, “Er, I masturbated 
with them.” 

Later she shared the story with a male friend 
and asked, “Have you ever done that?” 

“Yeah, once or twice,” he told her. 

“You mean you've actually masturbated with 
a condom?” she asked. 

“Oh,” he said, “I thought you were asking if 
Td ever lied to my wife.” 


It was just a simple misunderstanding, Your 
Honor,” testified the man charged with inde- 
cent exposure. 

“Explain that statement,” the judge de- 
manded 

“Well, you see, this girl and I were drinking 
in a bar, and she asked me what I wanted most 
in a woman—so 1 showed her." 


А doctor was interviewing an elderly patient 
“Have you been chem long, ma'am?” 
he asked. 

She replied, “Oh, not for about 20 years, not 
since my husband died.” 


A man went into the library and asked the 
librarian to help him find a book on suicide. 

“Fuck off,” the librarian replied, “You won't 
bring it back.” 


A guy met a girl in a bar and asked, “May I 
buy you a drink?” 

“Okay. But it won't do you any good,” she 
replied. 

A little later he asked, "May I buy you an- 
other drink?” 

“Okay. But it won't do you any good.” 

At dosing time he invited her up to his apart- 
ment, and she replied, “Okay. But it won't do 
you any good.” 

When they got to his apartment he said, 
“You are the most beautiful woman I have 
ever seen. I want you for my wife.” 

“Oh,” she replied, “that’s different. Send 


A woman knelt in the confessional and said, 
“Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have 
committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze 
at myself in the mirror and tell myself how 
beautiful I am.” 

The priest turned, took a good look at the 
woman and said, “My dear, I have good news. 
‘That isn't a sin. I's simply a mistake.” 


Two men were shooting the breeze when one 
said his wife was driving him to drink. 

“You're lucky,” the other replied, “Mine 
makes me walk.” 


According to a new study by the Centers for 
Disease Control, half of American teenagers 
are having oral sex—the other half are still 
wearing braces 


How is poker like sex? 
Everyone thinks they are the best, but most 
people don't know what they are doing. 


A sequel to The Exorcist is being filmed that is 
a little different from its predecessor, In this 
one a woman hires the devil to get a priest out 
of her son. 


Send your jokes to Party Jokes Editor, PLAYBOY, 
730 Fifth Avenue, New York, New York 10019, or 
by e-mail through our website at jokes playboy com. 
PLAYBOY will pay $100 to the contributors whose 
submissions are selected. 


88 


CAUTION: Federal law prohibits transfer of this drug to any person other than patient for whom prescribed 


DIARY 


of my health 


It's not hypochondria if you're really sick. A journey 
through one man's incredible aches and pains 


Article by THOM JONES 


Rx C527562 
No refills remaining 


pril 2. Homer, my UPS guy, drops off three cartons 
A of Medco pharmaceuticals. Homer is an okay guy if 

you steer him clear of religion and all talk of hell, but 
I slipped up today and got him going. “Hell?” he says. “You're 
looking at bad shit before your feet hit the ground, before you 
even get there. Man, they got these close-quarter holding cells 
at the farthest edge of the earth, little concrete anterooms 
where they soften up the condemned before transit. Bones 
ere crushed. Sinners are pounded, gassed, drawn, quartered, 
lashed up and down. Then you're deloused with carbolic acid, 
and all the while they play Grateful Dead albums. Have you 
ever really listened to a Grateful Dead album? Actually lis- 
tened? It's only the beginning! Charon, a terrifying monster in 
his own right, proceeds to ferry the doomed across the river 
Styx. Weeping anc wailing like a pack of howling wolves. Beg- 
ging forgiveness, gnashing teeth. Are you with me?" he says 
with a celestial fire in his eyes. “I don't think so, Thomas. I don't 
think you're paying close attention, but you should because it 
gets much worse. Up here hedonists like yourself frolic and 
sin as they have for centuries, pushovers for Satan and his 
lies! Hell is no cartoon; it's a real place. Cross the river, baby, 
end you got H-E-double hockey sticks for all of time. Aban- 
don hope all ye who enter! First thing, they roast you on a 
spit while Satan reads you the rules and regulations. He's a 
fast talker with that split tongue, but still, it takes nine days to 
complete the job, and all this time you're roasting on a skewer. 


Once the grave implications of your situation sink in, demons 
cool you off with liquid nitrogen and send you out to mop 
and wax a football field, side by side with the likes of Joseph 
Stalin and Ivan the Terrible. When that's done, 30 centuries 
later, you get five minutes to write 2 60-page term paper with 
a pencil nub or a melting beige Crayola crayon before some 
other hideous torment.” Along with my pharmaceutical boxes, 
Homer picks up a smaller package from his hand truck. He 
looks at it and shakes his head in dismay. “Thomas, you are 
still getting packages from pLavgoy magazine. Why do | stand 
here wasting my breath?" Homer glances at his watch. Thank 
God he's running behind. He hops back in his brown truck 
and peels rubber out of my driveway. | carry three boxes of 
drugs to my little pharmacy just off the kitchen and begin to 
restock the shelves. Okay, what have we got here? 

Box one: a. Lamictal, Neurontin and Klonopin for epilepsy. 
(I hit my head on a rock the first time | went over Niagara Falls 
in a barrel.) b. Elavil, Prozac, Mellaril, Tegretol and lilhium for 
bipolar disorder. (Take lithium for a while and you're a Haitian 
zombie, no Niagara Falls pioneer.) 

Box two: a. Six bottles of Humalog insulin in bubble- 
wrapped cool packs. | store those in the fridge. b. Blood- 
sugar strips. A brittle diabetic, | have to test 15 times a day 
at 80 cents a strip. c. Glucose tablets for hypoglycemia. d. 
Glucometer batteries. e. Lancets, alcohol swabs, insulin res- 
ervoirs and soft-set infusion kits. 


PAINTINGS BY ED PASCHKE 


Box three: a. Lipitor, cholesterol. b. Atacand, blood pres- 
sure. c. Nitroglycerin cream for cyanotic toes. d. Provigil for 
narcolepsy. e. Crap for my sleep apnea ventilator (two blow- 
dryers up the nostrils work just as well). 

April 6. | read the Bible today. | don't know where Homer 
comes up with this shit. The only part of the hell scenar- 
io | can confirm is the “weeping and gnashing of teeth” 
Jesus, | already gnash my teeth. That's why I wear a plas- 
tic tooth guard at night. 

April 7. Is it just me, or am | correct in thinking that the only 
time people have any semblance of fun is when they're on 
dope or hard liquor? | was a little kid the last time 1 had natu- 
ral fun. Aurora, Illinois, July 25, 1954. The top of the ninth, 
White Sox vs. Boston, the first game of a doubleheader, a 
partly cloudy, cool day, 26,068 fans, Jack Harshman on the 
hill mowing them down. Now with an 0 and 2 count, he shakes 
off the catcher. | am across the street at Pike's Dairy, throwing 
waterlogged baseballs, three pounds each, against a rusty 
milk truck when my mother calls me in to put on my pair of 
wool pants and go to church. | am thence sucked into a vor- 
tex of darkest gloom from which I've never been released. 
April 14. Los Angeles. A table reading of my fifth film script. 
Not a good time for a Crohn's disease flare-up. | tough it out 


with butt cheeks so tight that coal could be squeezed into 
diamonds. The reading goes badly. In a CAA men's room, 
butt cheeks give way to Hershey-squirt diarrhea. Back in my 
hotel room, more of the same. On the three-hour plane ride 
home, a botched attempt at sneaking a fart leads to an epi- 
sode of explosive diarrhea. | disembark (without underwear) 
and, in the safety of home, endure the usual agony while | 
wait for the Lomotil to kick in. | failed to stuff the medication 
into my portable pharmacy. It was the grave omission of a 
shock-treatment memory-loss fool. On top of everything else, 
the script gets shelved. 

April 16. I've been out of sorts lately, flat-out depressed. 
That's why I decided to pick up my health journal again and 
record my last days. Sometimes | want to eat a quarter pound 
of barbiturates and various supplementary poisons, chased 
with absinthe, and then relax to Rammstein in the closed ga- 
rage with my Citroén 2CV full throttle. 

April 21. Does an ant have a soul? Do good ants up- 
grade into a higher life-form? A lobster, say? Endless rein- 
carnations suck. Every female | have ever met tells me she 
used to be Cleopatra. | was a yak tender of no distinction 
living on the steppes of Mongolia, where there was nothing 
to eat except clay. 


April 25. Most Americans don't know it, but noise is a lead- 
ing cause of strokes and heart attacks. People get used to 
noise, but it kills them all the same. A person in an inner city 
can sleep only to the lullaby of sirens and gunfire. At five 
in the morning | hear fucking birds chirping, crows cawing, 
while a woodpecker tattoos the aluminum rain gutter just out- 
side my bedroom. My Dutch neighbor Elsa says somebody 
has been vomiting outside her window at five in the morning. 
Its probably her neighbor, who used to attend two AA meet- 
ings a day. “Why would someone vomit outside?” she asks 
me. “It makes a mess. You could just puke in the toilet and 
flush it” Elsa says she was about to go outside to investigate 
but saw a large wolf looking at her through her sliding glass 
door. "Thom, he just wouldn't quit staring at me.” 

April 29. The UPS guy knows | don't exactly work, so he 
asks if сап drop by in the morning to help move his wife's 
grand piano up to the third floor. "While we're in the attic, I'd 
like to move my anvil collection from upstairs down to the 
basement. If there's time, | want to knock down a chimney. 
Bring a respirator.” If | piss Homer off, he'll throw my pharma- 
ceutical shipments off a bridge into the river. The fish will be- 
gin doing odd things. They could grow feet and walk around 
town like thugs. Who knows? 

April 30. Goddamn it. My fucking back is killing me, and I 
squashed my thumb trying to haul two anvils at once. No “un- 
der the spreading chestnut tree; just a busted thumb. 

May 4. Killer back pain. 

June 6. Oh, for Christ's sake, not only is my back still killing 
me, I've got a whopping summer cold! 

June 7. Raw throat, fever and nasal congestion. A seven on 
the Thom Jones Misery Index. 

June B. Cold worse. | have to lay all day. 

June 10. Canker sore on right tongue edge. My tongue 
looks like elephant leather. 

June 11. Now a cough. ! knew this would happen. 

June 12. Took 500 mikes of mescaline and am examining 
the crevice in my tongue when it suddenly turns into a Komodo 
dragon and chases me out into the yard. | come down at mid- 
night and can't find my tongue. Dope paranoia forces me to 
hide under the bed, where I discover a box turtle with halitosis. 
1 come down a little and carefully creep downstairs, secure all 
door and window locks, double-check same and then watch a 
Pee-wee Herman flick on HBO, all the while standing on the 
balls of my feet, filled with terror and great apprehension. 
June 13. Find tongue under the Citroën. Superglue it back on. 
June 14. After stocking the shelves of my pharmacy | make 
for the health food store to pick up a few bottles of vitamins 
and snake oil remedies: 

a. Vitamins: complete 50-milligram Bs, vitamin C, fclic acid, 
dissolve-under-tongue B12, pantothenic acid, vitamin E 
(natural mixed tocopherols), biotin and vitamin D. b. Miner- 
als: selenium, calcium citrate, magnesium, biocitric copper, 
chromium and Kreb's "Transported by the Fuel of Life" zinc. 
c. Antioxidants: alpha lipoic acid, lutein, lycopene, grape 
seed oil. pine bark extract, Q10, Essential Greens 3000. 
curcumin, eic. d. Herbs: saw palmetto, hoodia, pau d'arco 
(I can't remember what it's for), hawthorn berry. e. Amazon 
River tropical frog skin. (continued on page 120) 


91 


92 


“How many times do I have to tell you, Harold, I'm not seeing another man!” 


Were bl 
then we 


A NIGHT AT THE IMPROV 


You can tell how good a guy's going 
to be by his personality. If he’s 
attentive and observant, that’s 
probably how he’s going to be in 
bed. So when he goes down on me, 
instead of going right for the clit, 
he'll kiss and touch my thighs. When 
1 wait, things are much better. The 
anticipation Is so much fun. 1 want 
to be begging for it. I also love a 
guy who mixes it up to the point 
where I don’t know what he’s going 
to do. I like the uncertainty. | loved 
this one guy who was very mysteri- 
ous sexually; I never knew what was 

в. next. He really kept me on 


in; 
era 
oney. 


LOVE Is A MUCH 
REWRITTEN THING 


IMPRESSING A BELOVED IS HARD, ESPECIALLY ON VALENTINES DAY. FOR CENTURIES, LOVE- 
SICK SUITORS HAVE HOPED TO EXPRESS THEIR EMOTIONS THROUGH POETRY. BUT AS 


_ THESE DISCARDED DRAFTS SHOW, EVEN THE GREATS DONT ACE IT ON THE FIRST TRY. 


—_m طوس‎ AAA 


BY JOSH ROBERTSON 


Wild Nights -Wila Nights! 
Were I with thee, 

Wild Nights should be 
Our luxury! 


I do it all, Toots. 
Just ask the boys 

In rubber boots 

Down at the firehouse. 


. Lif 


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; Since pour lave died: 

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f, AAN Come live with ond by Sara Teasdale 
М Y а PW a келке ay ven Look back with longing eyes and 
le y ¿ © some new pleasures prove know that I will follow. 
А lAen sanas, and crystal brodk: tt 4 love as 
EF $ E S Tighe sind Lites a Sellen i 
| ines, eA sîver hocks Let our flight be far in sun 


Se af or windy rain— 
A ‘ie HACK And handcuffs, and a leather hood CMM a 1 heard my first love 
Cath (uth a dipper Por ingesting Food). calling me again? 

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OA (C mn And never let you out again. would pass between us: 
| Dear lover, you're richer, but he 
has the bigger penis. 
Sara Teasdale, 
"THE FLIGHT" 


Sen m pui gs caf 
When | 2 ig: 


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Christina Rossetti, 
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‚Shall 1 compare thee toa 

Summers day? 
Better to thatthan to the summer's Eve, 
a popu dar feminine deodorant spray 


that hardly puts me inthe mood jor love. 


Mam у= 


William Shakespeare, SONNET 18 


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L| 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY HARRY BENSON / PRODUCED BY JENNIFER RYAN JONES 
PHOTOGRAPHED AT BELLPORT COUNTRY CLUB, BELLPORT, NY 


wifin 
golf, but 


look 
par 


n EMAN'S GAME. THE RETURN TO POPULARITY OF 


J ON AND OFF THE LINKS TO REINTRODUCE CLAS: 
IN ON THE FAIRWAY IS ON A DOGLEG RIGHT. AT 


г 


THIS PAGE: HIS SWEATER-VEST ($590), SHIRT ($430), PANTS ($580) AND NEWSBOY CAP ($250) ARE BY Y'S YOHJI YAMAMOTO, HIS 
GOLF SHOES ($415) ARE BY MEPHISTO, HER SWEATER-VEST ($150), SHIRT ($70) AND SKIRT ($150) ARE BY J, LINDEBERG. HER SANDALS 
($205) ARE BY BEVERLY FELDMAN. OPPOSITE PAGE: AT TOP, HIS SWEATER-VEST ($138), SHIRT ($75) AND TROUSERS ($196) ARE BY J. 

IG. HER DRESS ($200) IS BY BCBG MAX AZRIA. HER SANDALS ($150) ARE BY BEVERLY FELDMAN. AT BOTTOM LEFT, HIS JACKET 
($1,325), SWEATER ($595), SHIRT ($225) AND KHAKI PANTS ($350) ARE BY DUNHILL. AT BOTTOM RIGHT, THE GOLFER KEEPING SCORE 
Ww A JACKET ($625), SWEATER ($295), SHIRT ($165), TIE ($90) AND TROUSERS ($295) BY BOBBY JONES. HIS BELT ($75) IS BY 
BEST OF CLASS BY ROBERT TALBOTT. THE OTHER GOLFER'S JACKET ($325), SWEATER-VEST ($195), SHIRT ($165) AND TROUSERS ($195) 
AREBY BOBBY JONES. HIS GOLF SHOES ($120) ARE BY ADIDAS. HER JACKET ($145) AND SHORTS ($90) ARE BY GANT. HER SHIRT ($65) 
IS BY TOMMY HILFIGER GOLF. HER SHOES ($100) ARE BY ETNIES PLUS. ALL THE CLUBS ARE BY LOUISVILLE GOLF CLUB COMPANY. 


LA m. T 
- Al 
=f 


THIS PAGE: HIS BLAZER 
($650), SWEATER ($250) 
AND TROUSERS ($280) 
ARE BY Р; COMPANY, 
HER SHIRTDRESS ($98) 
IS BY TOMMY HILFIGER, 
AND HER SCARF ($175) 
IS BY BEST CLASS BY 
ROBERT TALBOTT. THE 
GOLF BAG ($3,500) IS BY. 
GHURKA. OPPOSITE PAGE: 
His POLO SHIRT ($95) 
AND TROUSERS 

ARE BY@EOSS б! м. 
HIS GOLF SHOES ($130) 
ARE BY NIKE. HER DRESS 
($288) IS BY BCBG MAX 
AZRIA. HER GOLF SHOES 
($90) ARE BY NIKE. THE 
CLOTHES HAVE CHANGED 
SINCE GOLF RETURNED 
TO FASHION, AND NOW 
MORE WOMEN ARE ALSO 
ON THE COURSE. DRESS 
WELL, WIN THE GAME 
AND GET THE GIRL; YOU 
CAN'T TAKE A MULLIGAN 
ON YOUR LOOK. 


E AND HDW TD BUY ON PAGE 121. 


IMPRESS HER WITH THE LAST THING SHE SEES BEFORE THE LIGHTS GO OUT 


ERS 


FASHION BY JOSEPH DE ACETIS / PHOTOGRAPHY BY CHUCK BAKER 


When she asks to slip into something more 
comfortable, let it be a pair of your boxer 
shorts. His boxers are by CHAPS ($19 for 
two); hers are by VINEYARD VINES ($20). 


PRODUCED BY JENNIFER RYAN JONES. 


The briefs’ cut gives support but allows 
a free range of motion. His boxer briefs 
are by GAP ($13); hers are by PUMA ($28). 
All jewelry is by SENGA. 


Because briefs are not billowy like boxer 
shorts, they are ideal to wear during the 

day under a suit and then at night at the 
gym. His boxer briefs are by LEVI'S ($12). 


His boxer briefs are by DOLCE & GAB- 
BANA ($80). Hers are by UNDER 
ARMOUR ($20) and have microfiber that 
wicks moisture eway from the body. 


His boxers are by FACONNABLE ($35); 
hers are by CALVIN KLEIN ($20). Her 
top is by J. CREW ($15). If she puts on 

your underwear, have fun getting it back. 


WHERE AND HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 123. 


BY DAVID RENSIN 
PHOTOGRAPHY BY 
VERONIQUE VIAL/CPI 


HUGH 


THE ACTOR BEHIND DR. GREGORY HOUSE ISN'T REALLY 
THE CRANKIEST MISANTHROPE IN AMERICA. HE JUST PLAYS ONE ON TV 


Qi 

PLAYBOY: Much has been made in the press 
of you, an English actor, doing an Ameri- 
can accent so well on the medical drama 
House. Turn the tables: What execrable 
and painfully comedic American attempts 
at English accents do you remember? 
LAURIE: I suppose at the top of every Eng- 
lishman's list would be Dick Van Dyke in 
Mary Poppins. That would have to be con- 
strued as a virtual act of war. I think every 
Englishman assumed that the only justifica- 
tion for hiring someone that unsuitable to 
play a cockney chimney sweep was that he 
could dance like the wind. Sure enough, he 
did; the chimney-sweep sequence is mag- 
nificent. Years later I learned that Van Dyke 
had never danced before that movie. Of 
course, Audrey Hepburn is a peculiar case 
in My Fair Lady, given that the whole piece 
is about the nuances of language and dia- 
lect as well as being, to some extent, a satire 
on English snobbery. But Im going to 
let it go. I think they're all noble efforts. 
My attitude has changed considerably now 
that I'm in that position myself. 


Qe 
PLAYBOY: Dr. Gregory House, the char- 
acter you play, is probably the most sar- 
castic, antisocial curmudgeon currently 
on TV. Is he a hero? 
LAURIE: House is a rather heroic figure. 
He’s a man in search of some kind of 


truth, whether it’s scientific or psycho- 
logical or whatever. And he is prepared 
to give up a lot, to make sacrifices to get 
there. Also he has no friends because of 
his dedication to discovering and telling 
the truth. I suppose that’s sort of the 
definition of a hero. 


o3 

PLAYBOY: How would Dr. House be 
received in England? 

LAURIE: House wouldn't work trans- 
planted to England. I don't think Eng- 
lish writers like heroes outside of children's 
writing. Harry Potter is a hero, but I 
can’t think of a hero in popular English 
fiction since James Bond. My own theo- 
ry is that English writers are primarily 
motivated by revenge. They're taking 
revenge on the school bully or the 
teacher who didn’t understand them or 
the first girl who wouldn’t dance with 
them. I don’t think the same is true of 
American writers. They write about 
people they like and admire and possi- 
bly even want to be. They write about 
their perfect selves. 


Qu 
PLAYBOY: House is described as the 
thinking woman's sex symbol. But really, 
why would anyone want to sleep with this 
guy or spend any time with him after- 
ward? Can a damaged man be fixed? 


LAURIE: Thar’s an interesting question, 
but it’s not the same as asking if a dam- 
aged man can be fixed by women having 
sex with him. Repeatedly. Why would 
they make that leap? I don't get it myself. 
I do think the character's funny. House 
gets some cracking one-liners, and I sup- 
pose that conveys the idea that he would 
be entertaining to spend time with—pro- 
vided you weren’t the butt of his attacks. 


Q5 

PLAYBOY: House has a pronounced limp. 
On the set, do you ever limp with the 
other leg just to drive the continuity 
people crazy? 

LAURIE: I do actually limp with the other 
leg every now and then, but it’s not to 
throw the continuity people off. 105 to 
preserve some kind of pelvic symmetry, 
which is number one on my list of life 
goals. If 1 spend 15 hours a day throwing 
it out one way, I feel 1 have to redress the 
balance. My colleague Stephen Fry, back in 
England, volunteered to come on the show. 
He said, “I have no character ideas, but 
what if I had two limps?” I thought that 
would be an entertaining addition. 


06 


PLAYBOY: You came to America not 
knowing if House would be a hit or a 
flop. Had you made other plans? Do you 
feel trapped? (continued on page 126) 


105 


> - ~ Раг 
Sx ENE P e AR Rm om 


d 


IN FREY 


M ore than any other food, the oyster is better known for what it represents 
than for how it tastes. You could fill a dictionary with its connotations. 
Currency: The Romans paid for them with their weight in gold. Decadence: 
They didn't call them oyster palaces for nothing. Courage: “He was a bold 
man that first ate an oyster”— Jonathan Swift. Power: the young JFK slurping 
them down at Boston's Union Oyster House; FDR, George W. Bush and Dick 
Nixon making pilgrimages to Antoine's in New Orleans, where a portly chef 
dreamed up oysters Rockefeller in honor of John D. himself. 

Don't get us started on the aphrodisiac thing. It's enough to note that in the 
seminal moment of sexual mythology, Aphrodite—the Greek goddess of love— 
rose from the Aegean, served raw on the half shell. 

Today if you serve these tender sea-sweets at a gathering, you are mak- 
ing a statement. Power, decadence, arousal—now that's a party. Just han- 
dle them properly, as the little bivalves can be impetuous guests when 
they're not made to feel special 

For starters, head to a high-turnover seafood market and buy tightly 
closed oysters. If you're at all dubious, ask the monger to show you the 
FDA label. Every bushel has a government tag that certifies when the 
buggers came out of the drink and when they were shipped. The whole 
don't-eat-oysters-during-months-without-an-r warning had to do with 
sketchy refrigeration. Nowadays that's not an issue, but winter is still the 
best season, because the shellfish spawn in summer and get fatty and 
soft—as you will if you eat too many of them. 

When choosing varieties, think of oysters as you would wine. Their 
taste and texture vary according to the species, how they're farmed and 
where they come from (their terroir, to use the oenological term). Briny, 
creamy, sweet—the profiles are different for each. Some of our favorites: 
creamy little Kumamotos and sweet Goose Points from the Pacific North- 
west, briny and slightly metallic Belons from Maine and Nova Scotia, 
mild Malpeques from Prince Edward Island and sweet Island Creeks 
from Duxbury, Massachusetts, a favorite at top joints such as Per Se and 
Le Bernardin in Manhattan. 

If you're serving oysters raw. don't wait until your guests show up to wrench 
them open. Do it ahead of time, then lay the half shells on a bed of ice, cover 


107 


108 


them with a cold, moist towel and put them in the fridge for 
up to an hour before you serve. No need for silverware— 
these bite-size hors d'oeuvres come with their own spoon. 
Eee 


Cocktail Sauce 

No one knows who invented this classic, a sauce at home 
on fourstar and crab-shack menus alike. Our house recipe: 
*l cup ketchup 

*] tsp. horseradish [from a jar} 

= tsp. Worcestershire sauce 

*Tabasco to taste 


Mignonette 
The tart sauce pre- 


a close cousin that Roy Alciatore (Jules's son) published 
in a Life magazine cookbook in the 19505. Serves six. 
+6 tbs. butter 

*6 tbs. finely minced raw spinach 

+3 tbs. minced onion 

-3 ths. minced parsley 

+5 tbs. bread crumbs 

*V tsp. Herbsain! (or Pernod) 

«Ya tsp. salt 

*Tabasco to taste 

*36 fresh oysters on the half shell 

Melt butter in a saucepan over medium heat, then add all the 
ingredients except oysters. Stir for 15 minutes. Place the 
mixture in a Cuisinart and have at it. Fill six pie tins with rock 
salt and set half a dozen oysters on each. Divide topping over 
oysters and broil until 


ferred on raw oysters 

in France. Serve il 

in a ramekin with an 

espresso spoon. 

= cup red or while 
VH 

+] si t, finely choppe: 

+1 dash cracked black 
peppercorns 

*Salt to taste 


Oyster Stew 
This recipe comes from 
Sandy Ingber at the 
Grand Central Oyster 
Bar, one of the greatest 
lunch spots in New York, 
or anywhere, for that 
matter. Not including 
shucking time (you can 
also use canned oysters], 
this will take 10 minutes. 
Serves two. 
№ cup clam broth or 
juice (canned is fine) 
*2 tbs. sweet butter 


Great Oyster Pairings 


An oyster without a glassful is like a fish out of water 


the tops brown. 


Filet Mignon With 
Oyster Stuffing 
You are the author 
of some heinous crime. 
It is the eve of your 
descent to the gallows. 
What are you going 
to have for dinner? 
A suggestion, courtesy 
of chel Brion Bistrong 
at the Harrison in 
Manhattan. Serves two. 
* Canola oil 
*12 shucked Wellfleet 
oysters [save the juice) 
е Wendie {or 
allpurı ur) 
Акиш 
+2 cloves garlic, chopped 
+1 cup porcini 
mushrooms, sliced 


+2 oz. dry vermouth 
Sali and pepper 


* Ya tsp. celery salt 


=] cup croutons 


+1 tsp. Worcestershire 
sauce 

*12 shucked oysters 
with juice 

*4 cups half-and-half 

+2 slices while toast 

*2 tsp. sweet 
Hungarian paprika 

+2 pkg. oyster crackers 


From left: A cold Guinness stout, the classic oyster accompaniment in Ireland (unless you're 
in the south, where they prefer Murphy's}. When it corres to wine, choose one with o tort, 
crisp ocidity, which acis like o squirt of lemon on shellfish. A great Choblis, such os the 
2002 Les Clos Grond Cru (obout $65], is о troditionol choice. A fruity New Zeolond 
sauvignon blanc is о more recent favorite; Cloudy Boy's 2004 (obout $28) is a winner. 
A muscadet from France's Loire Valley is o great bargain white with o lively, minerolrich 
taste; try the 2004 Domaine de lo Pepiere Muscodet Sèvre et Maine sur Lie, Morc 
Ollivier {about $10]. Nothing poirs with oysters like chompogne. A couple of greot 
picks: the excellent Toittinger Comtes de Chompogne Blonc de Bloncs 1995 (obout 
$145] ond the old ond wonderful stordby Veuve Clicquot Brut (obout $30]. 


+2 ths. parsley, 
chopped 

«2 tbs. chives, chopped 
72 six-ounce filets 
mignons of the 
highest quality 

*] cup el wine 

+1 cup chicken stock 
+1 tbs. butter 


"In a double boiler [or a 


metal bowl siting over а 

pot of boiling water} combine clam broth or juice with butter, 
celery salt and Worcestershire. Once the butter has melted, 
add oysters and cook for 30 seconds, stirring constanily. 
Add half-and-half and cock for a few more minutes until the 
cream is just about to boil. To serve, lay a slice of white toast 
in a warm soup bowl. Using a slotted spoon, place oysters 
over the toast and pour the hot liquid over the top. Garnish 
with paprika and serve with a package of oyster crackers. 


Oysters Rockefeller 

The authentic recipe far this dish—created by Jules Alciatore 
at Antoine's іп New Orleans at the end of the 19th 
century is one of life's great mysteries. The folks at 
Antoine's have kept it a secret to this day. What follows is 


HOTO EY 


Heat a nonstick sauté 
pan on medium high 
and add a little oil. Dredge oysters in Wondra, remove 
excess flour, then sauté for one minute. Set them aside. In 
the same pan, sweat shallots and garlic until golden. Add 
anres and суб fora apes men pour in Pema) 
аг ler juice and season with salt ant E ters 
and I back in, along with the Ed S MEER 
allow to coal. Add half the herbs. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. 
Make an incision in the side of each filet three quarters 
of the way through and spoon in as much stuffing os possible 
Season filets with salt en then sear them in a clean 
sauté pan on medium high, two minutes each side. Put them 
on a baking tray and into the oven for five to eight minutes 
(rare to medium). Degloze the sauté pan with wine and stock, 
reducing by half. Add butter, remaining herbs and excess 
stuffing. Plate a filet, then pour the sauce over. 


Not So Different 


JH YANG THE Wo HOST WotR, HEN. 
BEE METRE TOTAWY DIFFERENT BUT IH CRAZY 
0 Agou MEN pe. ONG іў 1РРАМУТЇС, 
POOR, ARTISTIC. 


tHe very @nservative, 
к? RICH. 


TAE 3 BUC-RETNE GOT ONE 
eS GE NR THING IN Corton. 


NOV, I VC 
BIG ORWHATZ 


КОЕ УА ER GHEZ 


110 


A TASTE OF 


The beautiful Adrianne Curry, 


served hot and spicy 


RRY 


By David Hochman 


Above: Adrianne Curry (far left) 
with the original cast of America's 
Next Top Model and with fiancé 
Chris Knight (a.k.a. Peter Brady), 
with whom she currently stars 
оп My Fair Brady. "We get 
elaborate and try everything,” 
she says of her sex life with 
Knight. “Handcuffs, whatever.” 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY 
STEPHEN WAYDA 


drianne Curry certainly knows how 
to make an entrance. At a sunny 
outdoor cafe near her home in Man- 
hattan Beach, California, the tower- 
ing brunette strides past the ladies who 
lunch, wearing a skintight thermal top and 
jeans that stop a few glorious inches below 
her waist. At a corner table she pops off her 
oversize black shades, throws down her 
handbag (clasped shut with a single metal 
handcuff) and promptly orders a sex on the 
beach. “Look out,” she whispers with a wink 
and a smile. “White trash has infiltrated the 
land of the desperate housewives!” 
Actually, Adrianne has a pedigree those 
fancy chicks would probably break a nail to 
possess. The suburban Chicago beauty was 
the first winner on America’s Next Top Model, 
hosted by Tyra Banks; she followed that trick 
by scoring pop-icon status for hooking up 
with The Brady Bunch's Peter Brady (Christo- 
pher Knight) on The Surreal Life. Faster than 
you could say “pork chops and applesauce,” 
the couple had a popular reality series of its 
own, My Fair Brady, on which cameras chron- 
icle the pair's wacky days living together in 
Knight's beach pad. That show's second sea- 
son is about to air on VH1 
More than anything, though, Adrianne 


Curry has gained a reputation for being, 
well, Adrianne Curry—an outspoken young 
woman with zero pretensions and a million 
opinions about sex, partying, lesbians, super- 
models and just about everything else we 
enjoy thinking about. And as this particular 
afternoon unfolds and Adrianne’s pink cock- 
tails kick in, she delivers on that reputation. 

“Im very strong, and I've got some wild 
energy, which scares some guys off,” she 
says, sucking on an ice cube. “But if you can 
keep up with me, | promise you'll be in for 
one hell of a ride." 

It has certainly been a gonzo run since Top 
Model. Adrianne assumed her victory on thehit 
UPN series would translate into instant riches, 
but the modeling contract she won didn't pay 
off quite as she expected. Says Adrianne, "The 
only thing | won from Top Model was, like, 
$300 and a one-way plane ticket to New York 
City, where І ended up standing in the street, 
going, ‘Uhhh, what do | do now?" 

When the show became a sensation, Adri- 
anne says, her contract bound her to bite her 
tongue. Before public appearances, her han- 
dlers would "throw all these diamonds on me 
and say, ‘Tell everyone how rich you are!'" 

From the beginning there were signs that 
supermodeling wasn't all it was cracked up 


to be. Things were weird with Tyra 
Banks from the get-go. "I was flown 
out to New York, and l'm waiting 
around in my hotel room,” Adrianne 
says. “In walks this woman with natty 
hair, looking like just another person, 
but she's telling me what to do. All 
of a sudden it hits me: That's Tyra 
Banks without a wig and makeup! 
That made me feel instantly better 
because | realized everybody looks 
like shit in the morning. 

She says she and Banks aren't 
on the greatest terms. “I wrote her 
an ignorant letter after the show was 
over, which | regret because it was 
very immature. It went something 
like, ‘I just spent my last dollar. Fuck 
you!” But Adrianne says she learned 
plenty from the experience. “It was a 
wake-up call,” she says. “I realized 
people will lie and walk all over you 
for self-gain if you're not careful." 

Still, the modeling jobs she's done, 
including ours, have helped her self- 
image. “Before, | was insecure with 
my body,” she says. “But after doing 
this it's like, Who cares? You're walk- 
ing around in front of huge groups 
of people, buck naked. Now | feel 
comfortable with that. It's the most 
natural thing in the world.” 

Speaking of natural, Adrianne says 
she makes the most of her genetic 
talents even though it means work- 
ing out two to three hours a day, six 
days a week. “I've lost 17 pounds 
since starting My Fair Brady,” she 
says, flashing her perfect abs. “The 
only trouble is, my tits got smaller. 
Does that bother me? Not at all. My 
body's still bangin’. If | want big tits, 
Vil go out and buy them like every- 
body else in L.A. But why would I do 
that? They're tco perky and perfect 
right now to mess with." 

Adrianne is way too young to 
remember The Brady Bunch, but 
she'll catch a rerun now and then, 
and she laughs at the guy she is 
currently engaged to. "I just don't 
get it," she says. "He was such a 
twerp! He was this skinny, slimy, 
dweeby-looking kid. | can't believe 
I'm attracted to him. Even now the 
guy's three inches shorter than | am. 
Sometimes | ask myself, Shouldn't I 
be with a man I can look up to?" 

But when Adrianne and Knight 
meton The Surreal Life, it was sort of 
a perfect union. "I'm 23, and Chris is 
48 but acts as if he's 23, so it couldn't 
be better,” she says, laughing. Case 
in point: When Knight first met 
Adrianne's mom, who is around his 
age, he said, “I'll marry your daugh- 
ter when her communication skills 
catch up with her bedroom skill 
Mom wasn't happy. Adrianne calls it 

(text concluded on page 124) 


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PLAYBOY 


120 


DIARY 


(continued from page 91) 

Have I already mentioned that my 
memory is shot? I don't remember. 

June 15. As a kid I experienced 
instances of natural fun whenever 
the Gypsies came to town. My grand- 
mother saved the burlap bags potatoes 
came in and each year gave them to 
the Gypsies, who in turn sharpened 
all her butcher knives and fixed a cof- 
feepot with a broken handle. What a 
life! Roving caravans, dancing around a 
campfire to accordion and violin music. 
Crystal-ball visions of the future. One 
of the Gypsy elders took a shine to me 
and invited me to join up. 

“Join up? Tonight? Let me think 
about it. I'm only five years old." 

“Yes. Escape the ball and chain and 
come with us. It's a slacker lifestyle. 
‘The women do all the work.” 

1 didn’t go. I should have. Every time 
I think of it I kick myself in the ass. 

My grandmother paid the fortune- 
teller 50 cents to tell her where she 
misplaced a cigar box filled with cash. 
The fortune-teller hit the nail on the 
head. It was a two-for-one deal. While 
my grandmother retrieved the cigar 
box, the Gypsy told me I would be 
Jailed four umes, fired from a number 
of jobs, mental hospitals, ambulances 
called, squad cars and ultimately 22 
years as a custodian. Boy, did she ever 
hit the nail on the head. 

June 16. Cough much worse. Kaff, 
ка, kafj, damn! It's not the cough of 
acute bronchitis, which I have expe- 
rienced seven times. It's a dry cough, 
which rules out pneumonia and cystic 
fibrosis. It's not lung cancer, with its 
telltale wheeze, lobar atelectasis with 
mediastinal shift, diminished expan- 
sion, dullness of percussion and loss of 
breath with pain and loss of weight. It 
could be Hand-Schuller-Christian dis- 
ease. You will have a dry cough when 
you get that. 

June 17. Dizzy. Head spinning, eyes 
whirling like pinwheels, smoke coming 
out of my ears. It feels like getting off 
the carnival Rock-O-Plane after a corn 
dog, a jumbo birch beer and a haystack 
of pink cotton candy. 

June 18. Woke up okay. Blood pres- 
sure 115/64. Pulse 57. Blood sugar 89. 
The fever is down, but the cough dogs 
me. What if it is lung cancer? Fuck. 
Had to lie on floor and breathe into a 
brown paper bag. 

June 20. Eat a bowl of alfalfa to bol- 
ster my waning immune system. Man, 
ГЇЇ never do that again. Decide to just. 
fuck everything and ingest a large dose 
of ketamine. Paralyzed, I lie on the floor 
and watch my soul leave my body and 
fly to remote galaxies in outer space. 
Get real scared and try to reel my soul 


in. A bad scene ensues. I am chased by 
a fleet of spaceships from the planet 
Mongo. Captain Torch at the wheel of 
the lead rocket ship. (Man, he hasn't 
aged well.) He shakes his fist at me, and 
I flip him the bird. Then I turn invis- 
ible, which is really draining. I bump 
into the Hubble Space Telescope and 
bruise my hip smashing the auxiliary 
lens into a thousand pieces. 

June 22. 1 wake up with three ### 
floaters in my eye. When the nurse 
hands the phone to my ophthalmolo- 
gist 1 overhear him saying, "What's 
wrong with poor Thom today?” I 
say I think little elves are in my eye 
typing on the back of my retina with 
an old portable Smith Corona type- 
writer. "Like with a faded ribbon,” 1 
tell him. When I explain this to hi 
over the phone, this is what he say: 
“Look, Mr. Jones. You call me drunk 
at two in the morning. You call in the 
middle of Thanksgiving dinner. How 
many times have I found you sitting 
on the curb in front of my office as 
I drive in to work? Before I put the 
car into park you're banging on my 
window with some new bullshit symp- 
tom. I don't want to be your doctor 
anymore. Don't even come close to 
my office. I'm filing a restraining 
order against you, and I'm having my 
phone number changed." 

June 28. 1 just noticed how yellow. 
my teeth are getting. I brush them with 
Comet for a gleaming white smile. 

June 29. Gums hurt. Scurvy? I cat 
four lemons and get a sour stomach. I 
take a Tagamet, Nexium and drink an 
entire $2.95 bottle of Pepto-Bismol. 

July 1. Constipated. Respite from diar- 
thea caused by Crohn's disease, finally. 

July 5. Insomnia. 

July 6. Insomnia. Completely hagged 
out. 

July 7. I just can't sleep. Lay in bed 
and worry. 

July 8. Toss, turn and mash pillows 
ali night. Insomnia. 

July 9, Will it never end? “The 
healthy man,” writes E.M. Cioran, “only 
dabbles in insomnia: He knows nothing 
of those who would give a kingdom for 
an hour of unconscious sleep, those as 
terrified by the sight of a bed as they 
would be of a torture rack.” 

July 12. Twelve nights and not 
even a wink. 

July 14. Haggard beyond belicf. There 
is a variant of mad cow disease (bovine 
spongiform encephalopathy) that induces 
fatal insomnia. Dead in four to 12 months! 
Boy, I've eaten my share of burgers. 

July 19. What if I were to fly to 
Africa, to a heavily infected tsetse fly 
zone, and contract sleeping sickness to 
counterbalance my affliction? Book a 
flight to Africa. 

July 26. Try to read Ulysses and fall 


into a five-day coma. Why didn't I think 
of that in the first place? I feel great! 

July 27. Depressed again. Antide- 
pressants should be called what they 
really are: hammers of despair. You 
can't sleep, you can't fuck, and your 
head feels like it contains 17 pounds 
of aluminum. 

Labor Day. Tossing a football with 
my brother, I jump to catch a high pass 
and feel a lightning bolt shoot through 
my arm. Shoulder hurts so bad I can 
only tightly squeeze my elbow to my rib 
cage. Can't put on a shirt by myself. 

September 5. Frozen shoulders are 
so rare, most people seldom hear of 
them. Twenty percent of the diabetic 
population gets them. A frozen shoul- 
der is no day at the beach. 

September 6. Insomnia again. The 
same old routine. 

September 7. Born to suffer. 

September 12. Acupuncture for 
shoulder. No go, nothing, zip. Just a 
big waste of time. 

September 14. Rolfed by some Wavy 
Gravy chick who talked aromatherapy, 
e.g. the catfish flower. 

September 16. Deep-tissue massage. 
Yet another flop. 

September 20. The orthopedic sur- 
geon attempts to break the shoulder 
capsule adhesions under anesthesia. “I 
couldn't do it,” he says later. “I thought 
I was going to break your arm. Go toa 
pain clinic.” 

September 24. Pain clinic dispenses 
narcotics. “Not enough to get you 
high,” the nurse says with a smile. 
Meanwhile, “the shoulder will only 
get worse. There is an osteopath you 
might try.” 

October 9. Facedown on the treat- 
ment table. Dr. Coors, osteopath and 
Spanish inquisitor, pulls my arm mer- 
cilessly. There are loud pops as he 
breaks the adhesions in the shoulder 
capsule. The pain is so bad I think my 
hair will catch fire. Coors says, “Come 
back tomorrow.” 

October 11. Facedown on the table 
I bite a hole through the Naugahyde, 
swallow a rusty spring and three wads 
of horsehair stuffing. Coors says, “We're 
beginning to get somewhere. We're 
making progress.” 

October 24. Lying in bed the evening 
after my third treatment I suddenly 
notice something. My God! For the first 
time in months my shoulder doesn't 
hurt. Ecstatic for a moment. Then I 
realize there's a disaster I'm currently 
unaware of that will announce itself 
with a thunderclap. 

October 25. Boy, I sure hope I don't 
get bird flu. 

October 26. Shoulder a lot better. 
Nothing to report except a hangnail on 
my anvil-crushed thumb. By and by it 
begins to feel like a cobra bite. 


Drink 


“Three husbands, twice a mistress—sure I'll be your valentine.” 


PELITA Y B OLY. 


122 


October 27. Slept until four р.м. Thumb 
still bad. Why are we here? Just to suffer? 

October 29. Elsa calls and says she 
saw the wolf again, hunkered down 
behind her woodshed. "It's an evil beast, 
Thom. I am so afraid. Why won't he 
leave me alone?” 

October 30. Prostate trouble and a sear- 
ing pain in my urethra. I take an Oxy- 
Contin and soak in a hot bath to relax. 

November 1. Elsa tells me the five a.m. 
puker is still at it. 

November 2. Took some Advil for my 
thumb. The Advil ignites a nuclear fireball 
in my stomach. Heartburn. The Chan- 
nel 7 weatherman said there would be 
a meteor shower tonight. Outside for an 
hour and all I see are fizzlers. Asa result, 
I get a sore neck and have to dig through 
the garage to find my cervical collar. 

November 5. Elsa caught the dawn 
puker. Her immediate neighbor “just 
couldn't take it anymore." 

November 9. I spring out of bed at 
noon, determined to accomplish great 
deeds. I tackle a raft of dishes, and 
through the kitchen window I see the 
farmer who lives behind me chuck- 


ing fallen branches from his side of the 
fence over to mine. With him is the gray 
Norwegian elkhound Elsa has mistaken 
for a wolf. It is medium-size, about 50 
pounds and wagging its tail to beat the 
band. I thank the farmer for the logs and 
tell him that with all that lumber I can 
finally build a meth lab. He looks at me 
and says, “You can kiss my ass!” 

November 12. My diabetic toenails 
have evolved into hooves. Square them 
away with a rat-tail file. 

November 15. Decide to use the 
business-class plane tickets 1 bought to 
Africa during my insomnia phase. They 
cost a small fortune; best I use them. All 
day packing. Wide-eyed and fearful. 
Another ghastly trip. What was I thinking? 

November 16. Dawn limo to Sea-Tac, 
five hours to New York, two-hour lay- 
over, then an all-night flight to Heath- 
row, nine hours to Nairobi, drinking 
shooters. Arrive drunk. A pickpocket 
lifted my dummy wallet with my old 
driver’s license, an expired library card 
and two bucks. Thank God for money 
belts, though mine was purchased dur- 
ing the Jimi Hendrix era. The psyche- 


“I call it Saint Peter.” 


delic colors will be a big hit in Zambia. 

November 17. Hitch a ride to the wetse 
fly zone on the back of a sorghum truck. I 
arrive with my face pasted with red dust. 
Prostate trouble, a blowtorch in my dick, 
all 15 inches of it. Hop off the truck in 
a mud-and-wattle village. No hotel, no 
B&B, no TV, no McDonald's. Nothing. 

November 18. Late afternoon. Fuck- 
ing Christ, is it ever hot! I renta room in 
the back of the OD Macaroni Factory. 

November 19. I hate Africa. 

November 20. I dug out a flea that 
had somehow burrowed under my 
thumbnail. There is a small fan over at 
the button factory, I rent a stall there. 
Mealie meal for breakfast, lunch and 
dinner. At least you don't get caught in 
a menu quandary. 

November 21. The night watchman 
introduces me to Charles, a university 
student from Ethiopia who quickly makes 
himself at home in the stall across from 
my own. Charles shares a bucket of beer 
with me. In the light of a kerosene lan- 
tern we play cards all night. Lions roar 
in the distant jungle. 

November 23. Bucket-of-beer hang- 
over persists. Charles constantly sprays 
himself with DEET. “Tsetse flies, man. 
Can't be too careful. 

November 24. Drunk on palm wine 
at nine л.м. I buy a fish, oranges and 
a banana at the outdoor market. While 
the saleswoman bundles my purchase, 
I drop her baby and momentarily pass 
out on the road. Thankfully, the baby 
broke my fall. 

November 25. Tonight at dusk, as I 
walk back from the market, I step off 
the road to take a leak and, forgetting 
I am in Africa, disturb a jumping pit 
viper (Porthidium nummifera). It's a sturdy, 
short-tempered snake. This one strikes 
with such force, its husky body leaves the 
ground. It shoots past me faster than a 
left jab and sails deep into the roadside 
undergrowth. I pick up its Bolivian pass- 
port and wallet. Inside there’s a picture 
of the snake's wife and children. There 
is also a letter. “My darling Estella, Africa 
is very bad. I have lost weight living on 
mouses. I miss joure shovel-shaped head, 
joure hort-shaped face, you gleaming 
fangs. Do you miss me at all? Why have 
you run off with Kenny Stabler?” 

November 26. Oh God, I promise. 
I swear I will never drink palm wine 
again. Save me! 

November 29. Venture into the bush 
with Charles and a new acquaintance, 
Sylvester. Chased by warthogs. 

December 2. My stomach hurts low 
down. Sylvester says it's roundworms. 
“Eat a cigarette and it will die,” he says. 
I wolf down a Pall Mall and become 
sicker than a dog. 

December 3. I void a nine-inch tape- 
worm. That's odd. No wonder I’m so 
thin. Sylvester wants me to sponsor him 
to America. “Sell tapeworms to college 
girls.” he says. “They can eat all they 


wantand stay thin. Make us millionaires.’ 

December 11, Charles takes a Magic 
Marker and points a stake west to Seat- 
tle. The sign reads, HOME SWEET HOME 
THOMAS. 1 doubt I will live to sce Seattle 
again. Another warthog runs through 
the village at dusk 

December 14. How come everything 
feels so much better when you're lying 
down? I'm really growing to love my 
little pallet at the button factory. 

December 16. Sylvester won't lay off 
the tapeworm scheme. Now he's got 
Charles hot for the idea. I say, "American 
women, no matter how fat, won't swallow 
a thick white worm." "Yes they will,” says 
Sylvester. “They will! What do you know 
anyhow?” Charles pipes in, “No worm 
to swallow, just a small vacuum-packed 
worm capsule. Just the ticket, man.” 

December 17. Charles drives me to a 
three-hut village packed with victims of 
sleeping sickness. They all look pale, like 
Michael Jackson. They aren't so much 
sleeping as they are "out of it.” 

December 19. The button-factory 
watchman tells me Charles and Syl- 
vester made off with my passport. My 
mini-pharmacy? “Long gone, man. Fat 
man Jimi Hendrix belt gone too." 1 fall 
to the ground and kick at it and beat it 
with both fists. I chip a tooth on a rock. 
Send me a helicopter, God, and I swear 
1 will never harbor a mean thought for 
the rest of my life. 

December 23. Home just in time for 
Christmas. Three days in the Slumber- 
king riding out a case of sandfly disease. 

December 24. Chrisunas Eve. A stab- 
bing pain in my foot. I hobble around 
bowlegged all day, like a busting-bronco 
cowpoke. I wrap Christmas presents. 
I can't get to the Slumberking fast 
enough. Beyond awful. I wonder what 
it's like to I'm sick all the time, but 
the final agonies must be worse. Yet so 
often I see old people smiling. Put 
around their yard, smiling. Horseshoes 
and lawn bowling between chemother- 
apy, and still smiling. What is with that? 
They croak and an influx of new ones 
rushes in to replace them. On the plane 
home I saw a woman eight months 
pregnant, and she had a big-ass smile 
on her face. Was she just putting on a 
good show? Was she really thinking, 
“Why did I ever fuck that ex-con men- 
tally retarded lowlife? Having this kid of 
his is going to hurt like hell, and I'll be 
a walking stretch mark. On top of it all 
I'll have a screaming kid on my hands 
night and day, living on welfare the next 
20 years while the old man luxuriates in 
the penitentiary without a worry in the 
world. Man, could I ever use another 
hit of methedrine." 

December 25. Birds chirping. The 
distant sound of puking in the bushes. 
Merry Christmas! 

December 29. All I do is sleep. Jesus, I 
used to have time to do things, but now 
life revolves around Crohn's disease, 


HOW 


Below is a list of retailers and 
manufacturers you can con- 
tact for information on where 
to find this month's merchan- 
dise. To buy the apparel and 
equipment shown on pages 
27, 31-33, 96-101, 102- 
103 and 154-155, check the 
listings below to find the stores 
nearest you. 


GAMES 

Page 27: Electroplankton, 
nintendo.com. 50 Cent: 
Bulletproof, vugames.com. 
Gun, activision.com. Hammer & Sickle, 
cdv.de. King Kong, ubisoft.com. The 
Matrix: Path of Neo, atari.com. Need for 
Speed: Most Wanted, ea.com. Prince of Per- 
sia: The Two Thrones, ubisoft.com. True 
Crime: New York City, activision.com. 


MANTRACK 

Pages 31-33: Badrutt's Palace, badrutts 
palace.com. Bar Briefcase, unicahome 
.com. Feel couch, animicausa.com. 
Flight Design, Rightdesignusa.com. IWC, 
iwc.com. Richart, richart.com. Sony, 
sonystyle.com. Visconti, visconti.it. 


TEE IT UP 

Pages 96-101: Adidas, adidas.com. 
BCBG Max Azria, 888-636-всвс. Best 
of Class by Robert Talbott, roberttalbott 
‚com. Beverly Feldman, beverlyfeldman 
shoes.com. Bobby Jones, bobbyjones 
shop.com. Boss Green, 800-HUGO-BOss. 


ro 


BUY 


800-776-4053. Etnies Plus, 
etniesplus.com. Gant, 212- 
813-9170. Ghurka, ghurka 
.com. Izod LX, available 
at Marshall Field’s and 
Macy's. J. Creu, jcrew.com. 
J- Lindeberg, available at 
New York Golf Center, 
NYC. Louisville Golf Club 
Company, louisvillegolf 
.com. Mephisto, 800-637- 
4478. Nike, nikegolf.com. 
Peckers, 212-473-3980. 
Tommy Hilfiger Golf, 
tommy.com. Y's Yohji Yama- 
moto, yohjiyamamoto.co.jp. 


TOP BOXERS 

Page 102-103: Calvin Klein, cku.com. 
Chaps, available at Mervyns and Kohl's 
Dolce & Gabbana, available at Dolce & 
Gabbana boutiques. Faconnable, available 
at Nordstrom. Gap, gap.com. J. Crew, 
jerew.com. Levi's, levi.com. Puma, avail- 
able at Puma retail stores nationwide. 
Senga, sunshine7gd@yahoo.fr. Under 
Armour, underarmour.com. Vineyard 
Vines, vineyardvines.com. 


POTPOURRI 

Pages 154-155: The Art of Shaving, 
theartofshaving.com. Coldpoles, 
coldpole.com. 44° North, available at 
fine liquor stores. Kama Sutra, kama 
sutra.com. Nike, nike.com. Omni, 
sumolounge.com. Roku, rokulabs.com. 
Snow kites, ems.com. Sunlight Saunas, 


C.P Company, cpcompany.com. Dunhill,  sunlightsaunas.com. 


CREDITS: PHOTOCRAPHY BY P. 2 GUIDO ARGENTINI, PAMELA BANNOS, SIGRID ESTRADA/CORBIE OUTLINE, 
LINDSAY MCCRUM, MISTY RICHMOND; Р. 5 ARNY FREYTAG: Р. 6 GUIDO ARGENTINI. STEPHEN WAYDA. P. 
ТІ ARNY FREYTAG (3), ELAYNE LODGE (2), HARVEY NICHOLS (2). JAMES TREVENAN. Р. 12 DAVE ALLOCA, 
KENNETH JOHANSSON (5), DAVID KLEIN, ELAYNE LODGE (7). JAMES TREVENAN, Р 15 ARNY FREYTAG. 
CJ WALKER: P. 16 COURTESY EVERETT COLLECTION, INC.. P. 20 JAMES IMBROGNO. STEPHEN WAYDA, 
P. 21 ARNY FREYTAG: P. 22 CORBIS, RICHARD FEGLEY. GEN NISHINO: P. 23 AFP/NEWSCOM. COURTESY 
OF BUNGIE STUDIOS, COURTESY OF SUZANNE HANOVER/UNIVERSAL PICTURES HOME ENTERTAINMENT. 
GETTY IMAGES. HBOICOURTESY EVERETT COLLECTION, INC.: Р. 25 FRANK CONNOR/ODISNEY ENTERTAIN: 
MENT INC AND JERRY BRUCKHEIMER, 02005 TOUCHSTONE/COURTESY EVERETT COLLECTION. INC. 
CHRIS LARGE 02005 BUENA VISTA PICTURES DISTRIBUTION AND WINKING PRODUCTIONS GMBH а CO. 
KG. PICTUREHOUSE ENTERTAINMENT/COURTESY EVERETT COLLECTION, INC.. LACEY TERRELL ©2005 
SHANGRI-LA ENTERTAINMENT, LLC; Р. 26 COURTESY EVERETT COLLECTION, INC. (2), 02005 FOCUS FEA- 
TURES/COURTESY EVERETT COLLECTION. INC. OSCREEN GEMS/COURTESY EVERETT COLLECTION. INC. 
OTHINK FILM INC /COURTESY EVERETT COLLECTION, INC.. CTOUCHSTONE/COURTESY EVERETT COLLEC- 
TION, INC. P. 28 MATT ANKER/RETNA UK, JOE DILWORTH/RETNA UK, STEVE DOUBLE/RETNA UK, JOHN 
RICARD/RETNA: Р. 29 CAMERA PRESS/ROB GREIG/TIME OUT/RETNA, CORBIS, SETH KUSHNER/RETNA; Р. 
31 COURTESY OF BADRUTT'S, GETTY IMAGES: Р. 32 MATT WAGEMANN; Р. 38 GETTY IMAGES; P. 39 COR- 
BIS (2), NEWSCOM; P. 40 CORBIS. VICTOR TONELL/REUTERS: Р. 41 CORBIS. GETTY IMAGES. NEWSCOM, 
P. 42 CORBIS (2); P. 44 DAVID ROSE: Р. 45 STEWART COOK CONUNE USA, INC./GETTY IMAGES, OMARK 
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LAS GRAHAN/NEWSCOM, NAM Y. HUH/AP PHOTO. FREDDIE LEE/FOX VIA GETTY IMAGES, JORGE REV/AP 
PHOTO, ALEX WONG/GETTY IMAGES (4); P. 70 CHRIS BUCK/CORBIS OUTLINE, BILL WINER/PDUNEWS- 
COM; Р 71 CORBIS OUTLINE, LEN IRISH/CORBIS OUTLINE, WIN MCNAMEE/GETTY IMAGES, ALEX WONG 
GETTY IMAGES; P. 72 BILL CLARK/SCRIPPS HOWARD NEWS SERVICE/NEWSCOM, RICK FRIEDMAN/CORBIS, 
DOUGLAS GRAHAM/NEWSCOM, NEWSCOM: Р. 75 RIC MOORE: Р. 53 RICHARD FEGLEY 121; P. 108 JAMES 
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BY NEVIO RAGAZZINI 9 ILLUSION'S NY FOR VINCENT LONGO; PROP STYLING EY EYAL BARUCH; P. 110-115 
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COM, STYLING BY REBECCA BROUGH. PRODUCED BY MARILYN GRABOWSKI. COVER: MODEL: ADRIANNE 
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SHARF/SHARPMAKEUFGHOTMAIL.CCM, STYLING: REBECCA BROUGH, PRODUCER: MARILYN GRABOWSKI. 


123 


PLAYBOY 


prostate trouble, heartburn, epilepsy, a 
hundred million problems. 

January 27. Feel deathly ill, 1 spend 
the entire day on the Slumberking. Every 
once in a while I have to sit up and look 
at the callus on my foot. 

January 28. I pick at the callus with 
a small knife. The pain is unbearable. 
1 can’t get anything done. I just hobble 
from one room to the next looking for 
stuff 1 have misplaced. 

January 29. A sharp triangle of glass 
begins to emerge from the callus. I 
finally dig it out with my knife. It is a 
dime-size piece of amber beer-bottle 
glass. My senior year in high school I 
was wading in Aurora's Mastodon Lake 
and stepped on something sharp. The 
foot bled copiously. The next day red 
streaks were working their way up my 
leg. My doctor gave me antibiotics. From 
then on, touching that spot with a fin- 
gertip sent me flying through the ceil- 
ing. It was a lot like stepping on a punji 
stick. Glass doesn’t show up on X-rays. 
1 had to order custom-made shoes from 
plaster of paris molds. The shoes looked 
like Frankenstein boots. People ridiculed 


them openly. I learned how to find nor- 
mal shoes that would accommodate the 
sore spot. After 42 years the glass works 
its way out. Amazing! 

February 5. No matter how you cut 
it, it hurts to die, Asphyxiation is usually 
involved. With type 1 diabetes I will most 
likely have a stroke or fatal heart attack. Get 
ош of the easy chair to take a whizzer and 
“Ahhhh!” Ka-plop. Two wecks later firemen 
will break inside trying to find the cloy- 
ing odor that has the neighborhood up in 
arms. “Jesus, will you look at that? His head 
is bigger than a pumpkin! I wonder how 
they will ever squash him into a coffin.” 

So there you have it. The acons of 
nonexistence, birth, Shakespeare's seven 
ages of man (which boil down to years of 
suffering in various forms), dreams that 
seldom come true and just enough good 
stuff to keep you going. Then death and 
the foreverness of all eternity, painless 
and carefree. No more problems. No 
demonic tortures. Just nothing, pure 
and simple. How can you top that? 


HERE LIES THOM JONES RIP. 
HE PACKED 2,000 YEARS OF AGONY 
INTO THE SUBSTANDARD 62 


SOME SCENES MAY 
CONTAIN NUDITY AND 


SEXUALITY. 


vie WER 


DISCRETION 15 


ADVISED 


ADRIANNE CURRY 


(continued from page 112) 
“one of the worst moves I've ever seen a 
member of the male species make.” 

Yet the couple is obviously doing some- 
thing right. Adrianne has one theory. “The 
good thing about dating an older guy like 
Chris is that he's past the slut stage,” she 
says. "He's screwed everything with legs 
twice, and now he’s done. The only thing 
is, even though he's in great physical shape, 
he gets tapped out sometimes.” 

Meaning? 

Adrianne orders another sex on the 
beach. “Well, there are some things I 
can't divulge,” she says, “but our sex life 
is definitely not boring. If you hook up 
with a guy in his mid-40s who has had 
the same Suzy Homemaker sex his whole 
life, you're gonna blow his fucking mind. 
I'm a very imaginative girl.” 

Hmm. Okay. Meaning? 

“Tm a freak and an exhibitionist,” she 
says. “We get pretty elaborate and try every- 
thing—handcuffs, whatever. But even role- 
playing can get boring. That's why we're 
having Suzy Homemaker sex this week." 

Those desperate housewives have mostly 
cleared out of the cafe, and Adrianne feels 
free to open up about her past 

“I used to be a major tomboy and was 
totally embarrassed about my looks,” she 
says. “Back in the Kurt Cobain days I was 
always hiding behind flannel. Nobody 
ever saw my body. But I remember a 
high school field trip. I had a bikini with a 
white T-shirt over it, and when I jumped 
out of the pool all the guys were like, ‘Hey, 
Curry, you're frickin’ hot" 

The boys weren't the only ones. “Women 
have always been into me, and I was defi- 
nitely into women for a long time,” she 
says. “But women are worse to date than 
men. 1 feel bad for guys because women 
are catty, gossipy, bitchy, jealous. That's why 
if I'm walking down the street with Chris 
and I see a nice pair of tits, I'll point them 
out before he can even say something. I 
don't want to be the kind of girl who says, 
“I can't believe you're checking out some- 
body else's tits!" 

Not that Knight doesn't have his jeal- 
ous moments. "We went to see Lynyrd 
Skynyrd, and afterward I asked the band 
to sign my lower back,” she says. “But 
there are so many of them that it quickly 
went south, and Chris was like, “They are 
not signing your ass, Adrianne.” 

Then there's the reaction she gets 
from her buttoned-up Manhattan Beach 
neighbors. Adrianne says, “They see me 
on the beach with my thong, and I'll 
hear, ‘Hey, put a wrap on. This is a family 
beach.’ I mean, what do they think every 
night when we're fucking with the win- 
dows open and everyone's hearing it?" 

Great question. We'll send a reporter 
over there right away to do a thorough 


investigation. 


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PLAYBOY 


HUGH LAURIE 


(continued from page 105) 
LAURIE: In a way I feel like a hostage to 
fortune. Not that I’m complaining. I 
wanted to play the role. But in truth I 
didn't think the show would be such a 
success. Okay, J thought it would fail. 
Not because it was bad. I was confident it 
was good, but plenty of good things just 
sort of wither on the vine. J thought I 
would have an enjoyable and interesting 
three weeks of filming in Toronto and 
maybe I'd end up with a one-hour tape 
I could show my friends and be proud 
of. But I absolutely did not imagine we 
would now be making our 32nd show 
only 18 months later. Inconceivable. I've 
never in my life looked that far ahead. I 
work maybe 36 hours ahead, maximum. 
What happens after that, I haven't a 
clue. Anybody who says, “Maybe we'll see 
each other next week,” well, ГЇ agree to 
anything if it's next week. Fly to Kath- 
mandu? Yeah, absolutely. Put me down. 
I'll be there. 


Qe 

PLAYBOY: Why is there a convulsion in 
every episode? What gives you con- 
vulsions? 

LAURIE: Convulsions are cinemati 
whereas strokes are silent, deadly assas- 
sins that simply result in, well, basically 
nothing. I'm going to stand up for the 
convulsion. Too much politeness gives 
me convulsions. I think of myself as a 
reasonably polite person. I say please 
and thank you; I try to be on time and 
dress appropriately for the occasion— 
you know, the basics. But too much 
politeness makes me jittery—oppressive 
politeness, people springing to their feet 
every time someone comes in, people 
overapologizing. 1 start to twitch. 


08 

PLAYBOY: At home in England you enjoyed 
government-supported health care. 
Could Dr. House work for the National 
Health Service? 

LAURIE: This is a problem. I believe not. 
The show would be too different. No 
show about the National Health Service 
can be confined to the treatment of a 
single patient's case; it has to be about 
the crisis of the health service itself. 
The National Health Service, I think, 
is the biggest employer in Britain. It 
may be one of the biggest employers 
in the world. Yet it’s always thought of 
as a sinking ship or a building on fire. 
So anyone who treats the subject has 
to treat the There's not enough 
money and not enough beds, and how 
are we going to do this? This is long 
before you get to the patient, of course. 
In fact, instead of getting to the patient, 
the whole show is about how we can't 
get to the patient. In every show the 


126 patient dies in the corridor. Never even 


gets into the room. "We can't afford a 
room, damn it! We sold off the rooms.” 


Qs 

PLAYBOY. Do you wish you'd bought 
stock in companies that manufacture 
rubber gloves? 

LAURIE: I get very upset by people just 
idly tossing off rubber gloves after every 
take. We have 20 people in a shot doing 
a surgical procedure, and by the time we 
finish shooting the scene we might have 
gone through 200 pairs of rubber gloves. 
1 find that upsetting, so I try to recycle 
on the set. Getting them off is fine. Get- 
ting them on in less than 20 minutes is 
yery tricky. The way to do it, since they 
tend to come off inside out, is to blow 
into them. Then you can invert them. 
I'm convinced that real patients have 
died on the operating table while the 
doctor was going, “Damn it! The fuck- 
ing thing!” The patient's monitor goes 
beeeeceecep, and the doctor says, “Oh well, 


at least I was sterile.” 


019 

PLAYBOY: Jane Austen or Austin Powers? 
LAURIE: That's close. There's no good 
answer, no winning here. There are 
invisible masses in Austen —domestic ser- 
vants, farmworkers, just invisible people 
to her. I always felt that the maze of but- 
lers and footmen gets a pretty raw deal 
from Austen. Not that Austin Powers is a 
valuable social document—or maybe it 
is in some ways, as a piece of reporting. 
I'm going to have to go with Austen, but 
I do it reluctantly. 


олт 

PLAYBOY: Let's play English-American dic- 
tionary. Define for us these terms: fop, 
twit and tuat, 

LAURIE: Don't you have fops over here? 
A fop is a man unhealthily obsessed 
with appearance. Decorative but inef- 
fectual. Do you use the word panty- 
waist? A twit is a fool, an ass. It’s not 
that derogatory. It refers to someone 
who is foolish but not necessarily 
malevolent. There are worse things to 
be than a twit. Twat is one of those odd 
words that actually mean vagina, but 
some people who are unconscious of 
that connection use it to mean fool, 
jerk, prick—they use it as a softer ver- 
sion of prick. They think twat is permis- 
sible in polite company, which it isn't, 
really. By the way, I'm constantly 
confused by the difference between 
the English and American quite. 
"They're almost opposite. Americans 
seem to use quite to mean very, excep- 
tionally, extremely. “Your tie is quite 
nice.” lf an Englishman said that, it 
would mean your tie is so-so. If some- 
one says, "I saw the show last night. 
It was quite good," I think, Oh, what 
the hell did we do wrong? I have to 
remind myself. 


gle 

PLAYBOY: What's happening on the soap 
opera House watches? 

LAURIE: Whoever makes General Hospital 
wouldn't give us the rights, so we had to 
create our own soap opera. I'm not a 
soap opera person, but my brother has 
never in his adult life missed an episode 
of the BBC Radio soap opera The 
Archers, which has run for more than 50 
years. My brother was for many years a 
farmer. I could see the appeal of that 
life, but one problem is that it doesn't 
end. Christmas Day, New Year's Day, 
your birthday—whatever it is, animals 
have to be fed, the potatoes have to be 
dug. That doesn't suit me. I like endable 
things. I like paragraphs. J like chap- 
ters. I like periods. 


Q13 

PLAYBOY: You climb in the boxing ring now 
and then. Describe the Zen of boxing for 
humility and fitness. And when in real life 
would you throw the first punch? 

LAURIE: Never. I’m not even sure I could 
throw a punch in an actual boxing match. 
I sparred last week. One of the interest- 
ing things about sparring, about boxing, 
is discovering the barrier you have in 
your own mind to trying to hit someone. 
You've got all the problems of trying to 
stop him from hitting you and various 
technical things to deal with. But there 
comes a point when you miss a chance 
to hit someone because you hesitated, 
because it is in one’s nature—or in one's 
culture—not to punch someone. Boxing 
is what it is, and you have to get over 
that. The most interesting aspect of box- 
ing is the sheer science of it. To people 
who haven't had much experience, it 
looks like two guys just flailing around 
in a ring. It's far from that. 


Qiu 

PLAYBOY: Why is there so little hand 
washing on House? After all, i's a 
medical show. How often do you wash 
your hands? 

LAURIE: Not often, although the smell of 
rubber gloves is a little invasive, so I wash 
my hands after using them. It is odd, 
this nonwashing. But in set-building 
terms, it's immensely tiresome to have 
people washing their hands because 
instead of using fake sinks or basins, 
builders have to actually plumb them. 
"That takes a lot of man-hours. They'd 
much rather not do it if they can avoid it. 


Q15 

PLAYBOY: How big is Dr. House's cane? Do 
you ever let anyone else hold it? 

LAURIE: As big as it has to be and no bigger. 
The prop guy holds it. They've almost 
had to dedicate a guy to watching the 
cane because I have this habit of putting 
it down somewhere, and then we have 
this terrifying moment when someone 
goes, “Who's got the cane?” and I can’t 


remember where I put it. If you delay 
shooting for even five seconds, you're 
wasting money. And if you delay for five 
minutes, that’s a lot of wasted money. 


Q16 

PLAYBOY: We've heard that the butler icon 
for the Ask Jeeves search engine may 
undergo an image overhaul. Where do 
you stand? 

LAURIE: An American journalist asked me 
some question that implied he thought 
everybody in England had butlers. I said, 
“Of course. But in America that can't be 
true. Half the country has butlers; the 
other half are butlers.” He was kind of 
baffled by this and asked, “Where did the 
butlers come from?” But I guess now no 
one has any kind of familiarity with that, 
so it would probably be the right decision 
to get rid of Jeeves. 


Ql? 

PLAYBOY: You're a Clint Eastwood fan. 
Does he influence your acting? 

LAURIE: I grew up in the shadow of Dirty 
Harry. Yes, I can't deny it. House has ele- 
ments of Dirty Harry in the medical 
world. There was that line "That's the 
one thing about Harry: He doesn't play 
any favorites. Harry hates everybody." 


That seems applicable. I can't say I mod- 
eled House on him, but it amuses me to 
think of the similarities. 


Q18 

PLAYBOY: Have you ever asked why your 
character is named Dr. House? 

LAURIE: I think there is some intent to 
make a sly allusion to Sherlock Holmes. 
If they were going to make it direct, they 
would have gone with Houses rather 
than House, but Houses is not really a 
believable surname. 


019 

rLaygoy: You were shooting the movie 
Flight of the Phoenix in the desert when 
you got the call to audition for House. 
How much fun can you have with sand? 
What did you discover about it that you 
didn't know? 

Laurie: We were making a movie about 
people abandoned in the middle of 
nowhere. One night about four of us were 
sitting on top of a 100-foot dune, look- 
ing at the moonlight, and we decided to 
somersault all the way down. I went first, 
got to the bottom and suddenly said, “My 
wedding ring is gone.” The other guys 
were already tumbling down, and I yelled, 
"Stop! I've lost my wedding ring.” It was 


Duck. 


dark, two o'clock in the morning. You 
immediately think if it's anywhere near 
you and you move, you're going to bury 
it. The four of us started searching, and 
within about 20 seconds one of the guys 
halfway down the dune yelled, "Is this it?" 
I said, "Of course it is. How many wed- 
ding rings are you going to find here?" 
No surprises about sand for me. It 
should be kept in those little glass egg üm- 
ers. It's good for cooking eggs; that’s all. 


Qeo 

PLAYBOY: House's motto is, Everybody lies. 
What do you lie to yourself about? 

LAURIE: That I'm doing this for a living. I 
keep thinking that Im playing around, 
that I'm finding my feet and getting 
ready to pick and commit to a career. 
The truth is, Гуе been doing this for 
25 years. I lie to myself that I don't take 
it seriously, when actually 1 do. 1 don't 
think I lie to other people. It's only to 
myself that I'm going, Oh well, I'll give 
it another six months; if it doesn't work 
out, ГЇЇ become a vet. But this is my job. 
I've got to face that one day. 


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PLAYBOY 


AL FRANKEN 


(continued from page 46) 
started off by saying that anything Clin- 
ton did, it would do the opposite. Bush 
felt Clinton was too involved in the 
Middle East. He felt Clinton paid far too 
much attention to Al Qaeda. Even things 
that were unquestionably successful, 
such as vesting FEMA with more money 
and authority, the Bush administration 
wouldn't do simply because Clinton had 
done them. 

PLAYBOY: Bush certainly altered Clin- 
ton's policy of close engagement in the 
Palestinian-Israeli conflict. 

FRANKEN: But now we're more hands-on 
there than we were when Bush took 
office. Arafat's death was a huge develop- 
ment. Let’s just hope, because anytime 
something encouraging in that region 
happens, it blows up in our face. It's 
great that Ariel Sharon pulled out of 
Gaza. That pullout was ultimately pretty 
peaceful—emotional but not violent. I'm 
pro-Israel, but I believe it has definitely 
had a hand in exacerbating the situation 
over the years. It has to recognize that in 
having been given a Jewish homeland, it 
has taken land from people, and I think 
it has contributed to the cycle of violence. 
PLAYBOY: In The Truth (With Jokes) you 
predict that in 2008 Al Franken will win 
a Senate seat, the Democrats will win a 
huge congressional majority and a “unity 
Congress” will be formed with a few good 
Republican members. What in the world 
are you thinking? 

FRANKEN: It’s a grand new design. 
We Democrats will control both the 
House and Senate, but we'll have some 
Republicans who are not jerks chair- 
ing committees. Jim Leach would be 
banking chair. He's a professorial type 
I've gotten to know because I have an 
interest in the Community Reinvest- 
ment Act, which makes sure that banks 
lend money to people who have been 
historically denied capital—minorities, 
women and the poor—so they can buy 
homes and start businesses. Leach has 
also been one of the few Republicans 
who has wanted to investigate war 
profiteering. Га keep McCain. He'd 
be commerce committee chairman. 
Lindsey Graham is the only Republi- 
can talking about raising the amount of 
income subject to Social Security taxes. 
According to my scenario the Republi- 
cans who remain will come from very 
red districts or will have made their 
peace with the fact that Bush has been 
a disaster. I'm not saying we'd give 
them a lot of chairmanships. This is 
ridiculous fantasizing, by the way. 
PLAYBOY: Care to dream on about your 
version of a “morning in America” 
for liberals? 

FRANKEN: We will start to prevail. Noth- 
ing changes Washington like one good 
presidential election. We have some 


128 great leaders. Hillary will be a great 


leader. Barack Obama is a great leader. 
Eliot Spitzer is a great leader. 

PLAYBOY: Your account of the 2008 presi- 
dential race pointedly excludes mention 
of the gender of the Democratic winner. 
Is that a not so coy reference to Hillary? 
FRANKEN: I think she will make a run 
for it and get the nomination. The 
joke is that I avoid the issue. I just say 
we have this incredibly talented and 
visionary nominee. But a lot of good 
candidates may run against Hillary. 
Kerry might run again. Bill Richard- 
son, governor of New Mexico and a 
former UN ambassador, energy secre- 
tary and member of Congress, might 
run. He has a wealth of experience. 
John Edwards will run again. 
PLAYBOY: Republicans will certainly do 
their best to derail the Franken scenario. 
FRANKEN: But who do the Republicans 
have? They can’t nominate McCain, 
because the conservative wing of the 
party doesn't like him. And unless they 
nominate McCain, they lose. 

PLAYBOY: Why did you write Rush Lim- 
baugh Is a Big Fat Idiot? Were you think- 
ing of getting into politics then? 
FRANKEN: І got mad. After I did the 
White House Correspondents’ Associa- 
tion dinner in 1994, the publisher of 
the Stuart Smalley book said I should 
write a political book. I agreed to do it 
before the Republicans won Congress 
in 1994. That started the Gingrich 
revolution, which was really about dis- 
mantling large parts of the government 
and the safety net. 1 saw the book as a 
serious venture. I was the first to cap- 
ture the frustration and hatred toward 
the Gingrich revolution and Limbaugh 
specifically, because he was Gingrich’s 
spokesperson. | wrote an attack in a 
way no one else had, which was to write 
nutritional candy. It's fun to read, and 
it's good for you. I put out information 
other people don’t put out, because I 
have researchers. My work, dare I say, 
is provocative, touching and funny. It 
sounds immodest, but I now have a 
brand name in political satire. 
PLAYEOY: The troops in Iraq enjoy wide- 
spread support at home even though 
many oppose the war. That certainly dis- 
tinguishes the Iraq war from the Viet- 
nam war, during which esteem for the 
military was quite low. Can you account 
for the change? 

FRANKEN: People have learned a lot. The 
Vietnam war wasn't the soldiers’ fault. 
During that war, I never called soldiers 
baby killers. Kissinger and Nixon were 
the targets. I think virtually everyone in 
this country supports our troops. 
PLAYBOY: You have a way to go to catch up 
with Bob Hope as a USO entertainer, but 
you're a regular on the overseas circuit. 
FRANKEN: I've completed six trips, three 
of them to Iraq. I go where the USO tells 
me to go. We were told we were going to 
do a show at Abu Ghraib. This was well 
after the prisoner abuse scandal, and the 


men and women there deserve recogni- 
tion that they are not the ones who did 
that. The sergeant major of the Army, 
its highest-ranking noncommissioned 
officer, was with us. So the commander 
of the base said, "Let's give a warm Abu 
Ghraib welcome to the sergeant major 
of the Army." He said it with no irony, 
which struck me as just hilarious. And 
1 got a nice warm Abu Ghraib welcome 
too. I bad an older guy come up to me 
and say, "I'm totally against your politics, 
but thanks for coming." I did a bit in the 
show when I said, “Let's face it, we have 
gay soldiers serving honorably. Let's get 
rid of that ridiculous don't-ask-don't-tell 
thing right now." And I pointed to one 
guy. “You, you're gay. We all know it." 
Everyone laughed. Of course, he com- 
mitted suicide after the show. 

PLAYBOY: We know you're joking, but that 
leads us to vonder how someone with 
your political bias and edgy sense of humor. 
gets tapped for stand-up at Abu Ghraib. 
FRANKEN: During the Clinton adminis- 
tration, Secretary of Defense Bill Cohen 
asked me to go to Kosovo, Bosnia, Ger- 
many and various bases in Italy. The 
USO is totally nonpartisan. Part of its 
purpose is to show these soldiers that, 
unlike during the Vietnam war, Ameri- 
cans of all stripes support them. It’s very 
gratifying, and it's sometimes very sad 
for me. You go to the hospitals and talk 
to kids. I talked to a guy who wasn't 
going to make it, but they didn't tell him. 
that. I think he may have known it. He 
had been shot in the throat. He couldn't 
talk. I just talked to him. Tears were in 
his eyes. His buddies were behind him. 
What makes me angry is that none of 
the guys who got us into this war served 
in combat. People will say it's a better 
world because Saddam Hussein is gone, 
and it probably is. But is it worth the 
treasure we've spent and the blood 
we've spilled? 

PLAYBOY: Harvard graduates appear to 
be overrepresented in the comedy busi- 
ness. As an alumnus, can you account 
for the phenomenon? 

FRANKEN: A lot of the best and the 
brightest decided to write for The Simp- 
sons instead of managing our South- 
east Asia policy. It's partly because of 
The Harvard Lampoon. | wasn't part of 
the Lampoon; I was a math nerd, but 
I was in the so-called theater house at 
Harvard. I was able to do shows there, 
and I opened a cabaret or nightclub at 
Harvard where I did stand-up. Nixon 
was funny. Campus unrest was funny. 
Tom Davis stayed in my room at Har- 
vard for a term. We started working 
together in high school, doing funny 
announcements in chapel assemblies at 
Blake, a private school in Minnesota. 
All the campus groups wanted us to do 
their announcements. Then we worked 
together for years and years. 

PLAYBOY: Harvard to Saturday Night Live— 
good career move? 


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PLAYBOY 


130 


FRANKEN: Tom and I were performing 
at the Comedy Store in Los Angeles. We 
were approached by an agent who asked 
if we were interested in writing for TV. 
We were broke, so we said sure, We put 
together a portfolio for a show that we 
would have liked to see on TV but that 
didn’t exist at the time. Our being hired 
from the portfolio made me think this 
was going to be a very different show. 
It was the big time. I felt faint. First of 
all, they picked Tom and me. Maybe 
because of youthful arrogance or some 
understanding of what was going on, 
I thought the show would be a big hit. 
"Then I started meeting people: Michael 
O'Donoghue, Chevy Chase and Gilda 
Radner. I had met John Belushi before. 
I was afraid of Lorne Michaels, who had 
given us this great opportunity. There 
was nothing fearsome about him; it was 
his position. He had hired us for only six 
wecks. Tom and I worked our butts off. 


PLAYBOY: Did the charged atmosphere of 
the SNL writers’ room hone your appe- 
tite for debate? 

FRANKEN: It made me appreciate the 
benefits of a room where no one held 
back, where people could be extremely, 
bitingly, cruelly critical of each other but 
in a way that was also good-natured. 
The more you could savage someone 
else’s piece in a constructive way, the 
funnier it was. Everybody had to have 
a thick skin. 

PLAYBOY: The mainstream media regu- 
larly reports the political jokes of Letter- 
man, Leno and Stewart. Are too many 
people getting their news from late- 
night television? 

FRANKEN: Those who are likely to vote 
are getting their news from Jon Stew- 
art. The Daily Show is different from 
traditional late-night talk shows. The 
others have a superficial quality. Still, 
if Leno or Letterman makes fun of 


“Gee—flowers, candy and jewelry...and I don't have 
anything for you!” 


you, you're in trouble. With Clinton, 
it was first that he ate a lot and then 
that he was getting blow jobs. But The 
Daily Show is very sharp about the way 
political news is presented. Stewart has 
picked good people. Their politics are 
liberal, but they're careful not to have 
a dog in the race. In the 15 years I was 
at SNL we were very careful not to have 
a dog in the race. When I left the show 
in 1995, I felt free to express my own 
political viewpoint. 

PLAYBOY: Do you feel Saturday Night 
Live maintains your legacy of politi- 
cal humor? 

FRANKEN: I like “Weekend Update,” and 
I like Tina Fey. I'm disappointed in some 
of their political stuff. It’s more superfi- 
cial. The cast and writers are not political 
junkies in the same way we were. 
PLAYBOY: What was your involvement 
with “Weekend Update”? 

FRANKEN: I helped pick Dennis Miller. I 
wanted to do "Weekend Update” after he 
left. Kevin Nealon was chosen and did a 
good job. Finally Kevin left, and the Norm 
guy got it. I felt I'd earned it just by virtue 
of years of service to the show. I think the 
decision wasn't fully Lorne’s. I’m not in 
a position to say what the case was. I was 
disappointed, and I left the show after 
that, in 1995. Norm Macdonald did a 
great job. I thought I'd be at SNL doing 
“Update” for several years, which ended 
up not happening, so I tried to develop a 
career in something else. The movie When 
a Man Loves a Woman helped my screen- 
writing career. The utter commercial fail- 
ure of the Stuart Smalley movie hurt it. It 
gave me the strong feeling I'd never star 
ina movie again. 

PLAYBOY: When a Man Loves a Woman 
was a serious film about addiction and 
recovery that you co-wrote. Was that a 
change of pace after years of writing 
for laughs? 

FRANKEN: It started out as a dramedy. 
What I thought was funniest about code- 
pendency was that a codependent acts 
out as much as a drug addict or an alco- 
holic. I figured the journcy of the code- 
pendent realizing that he's as sick as the 
alcoholic would be a great movie. It went 
through the dehumorizer. 

PLAYBOY: Were you disappointed with that? 
FRANKEN: Yes and no. И was successful. 
I'm proud of the movie, and I'm told 
it's shown as an instructive film by rehab 
counselors and therapists. They also 
show Stuart Saves His Family. Stuart Smal- 
ley was born as this character who at first 
blush seems like an idiot but who has a 
lot to teach through his vulnerability. It. 
was a way for me to talk about recovery 
and 12-step programs. I started doing it 
on SNL. I'd gone into Al-Anon, which is 
for friends and family members of alco- 
holics. Tom will say that 1 thought he 
had a problem. We broke up over that. 
We're good friends, and every once in 
awhile he performs on my show. Again 
it was nutritional candy. My wet dream 


is that when Limbaugh was in rehab, he 
was made to watch Stuart Saves His Family 
with his wife. 

PLAYBOY: We take it you have a great deal 
of affection for the Stuart character. 
FRANKEN: I love Stuart Smalley, and I 
love doing him. Occasionally he appears 
on the radio show. He is a caring nur- 
turer but not a licensed therapist, which 
he is very careful to explain because it’s 
powerful stuff. Stuart is the one character 
T've wanted to do commercials with. He's 
a perfect character to do commercials for 
frozen waffles. 

PLAYBOY: Not long ago Tom Davis 
remarked that Al Franken wants to be 
president of the United States. 
FRANKEN: I don't want to be president. 
He might have said the same about 
my wanting to 


admitted it. If people were okay with 
Bush doing it, I'm not sure why what 
1 did in my youth would matter. Also 
I've written two movies about addiction 
disease—more about alcoholism than 
chemical dependency—both of which 
are shown in rehab programs. I know 
a lot more about this area and have bet- 
ter ideas for what we should do about 
drugs than most political figures in tl 
country. The way the drug war is being 
waged is ridiculous. There are people 
who have been in prison for way too 
long. We don't prepare people to make 
a transition into society after prison so 
they can lead productive lives without 
going back to crime. 

PLAYBOY: That sounds like a bite from a 
forthcoming stump speech. 


Rochester and over to Mankato and up 
to St. Cloud. 

PLAYBOY: And no doubt you've versed 
yourself in local issues. 

FRANKEN: I would push for wild-rice 
labeling. That’s important, because the 
wild rice that's marketed as wild rice 
isn't real wild rice. Minnesota Indians 
had that right in a way, and they lost 
it. The labeling of wild rice is a politi- 
cal issue. That's one of the reasons I'm 
looking at running for the Senate— 
because you can do lots of things like 
that. Franni and I have been sent wild 
rice. We haven't cooked it yet. 

PLAYBOY: If elected to the Senate, you 
know constituents will call Al Franken to 
help them solve problems. 

FRANKEN: It’s important. You make sure 
your office knows 


play center field 
for the Yankees. 
PLAYBOY: How seri- 
ous are you about 
running for the 
Senate? 

FRANKEN: ] won't 
make a decision 
about that until 
2007. After the Lim- 
baugh book a lot of 
people told me I 
should run for office 
because I know a lot 
about politics, am 
fairly articulate, have 
been married once 
and am very good- 
looking. I thought 
it would be fun- 
nier to write a book 
about my thinking 
that I should run 
for office. Why Not 
Me?, in which I run 
for president, is my 
funniest book. It's 
fictional. It didn't 
do particularly well, 
but every one of 
my failures has a 
cult following. 
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that veterans’ ben- 
efits and Social 
Security checks are 
priorities. Then 
there’s facilitating 
some problem some- 
one may have with 
the government. 
My cousin Adlai— 
he's named for Adlai 
Stevenson—runs a 
fabric company in 
Kansas City. He had. 
all these raw goods 
from China sitting 
in a Brooklyn ware- 
house, and Customs 
wouldn't release 
them. He didn't 
know where to get 
help. He called me, 
and I called the 
office of a senator 
friend of mine. 
PLAYBOY: Will fel- 
low Democrats hit 
the campaign trail 
with you? We're 
sure you have some 
10Us to collect from 
your own political 
appearances. 
FRANKEN: I do. Гуе 


Loverboy Bear with "Love" tattoo 


ing you do run 
for office, where will Republicans hit 
you hardest? 

FRANKEN: They'll print my interruption 
from the beginning of this interview. "He 
slept with a Playmate." Then it'll be 
“Franken has no government experi- 
ence. Franken was raised in Minnesota, 
but he spent most of his adulthood out- 
side the state." When I lived in New York 
I considered myself a Minnesotan and a 
New Yorker. Now I consider myself a 
Minnesotan. 

PLAYBOY: You admit to having used 
cocaine during your SNL years. 
FRANKEN: Yes. When I was young and 
irresponsible, I was young and irre- 
sponsible. But we know the president 
used cocaine, because he basically 


FRANKEN: It's not. It's simply talking. We 
talk about a lot of stuff on the show. We've. 
talked about education and getting more 
pay for teachers who work in high-risk 
school districts. Often we have people on, 
and I have no idea what their political 
bent is. Anyone who listens to my show 
knows that’s what I do. I find it ironic that 
people who don't listen to the show criti- 
cize it for being all Bush bashing. 
PLAYBOY: Even before you established 
residence in Minnesota, you visited 
there often. Have you attempted to rep- 
licate Hillary Clinton's New York State 
listening tour? 

FRANKE would like to talk to her 
about it. I've traveled from Duluth to 
Moorhead and from Moorhead down to 


been there for Dem- 
ocratic candidates around the country— 
for the Wisconsin party and for Senator 
Russ Feingold, for Senator Kent Conrad 
in North Dakota. I've appeared for a lot 
of progressive groups in the Midwest. 
PLAYBOY: Has Senator Clinton given you 
any advice about your future plans? 
FRANKEN: She promised me we'd sit 
down sometime. 

PLAYBOY: Do you suppose we might ever 
see Senator Clinton appear on the cam- 
paign trail alongside a comic turned 
political candidate? 

FRANKEN: Yeah, she'll come out to Min- 
nesota for me. She totally gets it. She's 
got a great, goofy sense of humor. 


131 


CAUCUS 


(continued from page 70) 
protective cloak is reinforced by the hot- 
house atmosphere of modern politics 

“Everything's on a hair trigger,” says 
one of the Senate's more independent- 
minded members. “You have high- 
priced political consultants telling 
you, ‘Stay within the margins—one 
slip could be your George Romney 
slip [referring to the Michigan gover- 
nor whose 1968 presidential run was 
fatally damaged when he offhandedly 
commented that he was “brainwashed” 
about Vietnam].' And the press is look- 
ing for that one slip. So you're condi- 
tioned as a politician to be very careful 
not to really answer the question. They 
train you that way.” 

When a politician makes it to the higher 
rungs of the ladder, that caution is rein- 
forced, as is the sense of self-importance. 
If you've ever wondered why a senator 
spends almost every minute of his or her 
question time ata hearing making a speech 
that reeks of self-importance and then 
complains when a witness takes 15 seconds 
with an answer, listen to one of their own: 

“The Senate,” this member says 
„ “is the greatest assisted-living 
lity in the world. You get a pretty 
powerful sense of your own impor- 
tance.” Elevators are held; you sum- 
mon a page with literally a snap of your 
fingers. Your staff talks as if you are 
the only member of the body. To illus- 
trate the point, the senator I’m speak- 
ing with gets up and pantomimes an 
entrance into the Senate dining room, 
pointing to various dishes, snapping 
his fingers impatiently and saying, “ГІЇ 
have this. I'll have that. And bring it 
to my table." It's not that hard to see, 
Says my senatorial confidant, why “all 
senators believe that the entire world 
is hanging on their every word.” 

This lethal mixture of timidity and 
self-aggrandizement can take its toll 
even on those who begin their public 
life in a very different mode. Consider 
John Kerry: When he was a young 
man commanding a Swift boat in Viet- 
nam, his letters home were strikingly 
vivid and direct, filled with sharply 
observed events and stark emotion. 
But after 20 years in the Senate, 
Kerry often spoke as if he were clutch- 
ing a toga, endlessly wrapping his 
words in a fog of bafflegab. To offer 
just one example: “It is time America 
had a president who understands that 
strength abroad means providing real 
leadership in the world and taking 
responsibility for the bad as well as the 
good. And strength at home means 
building a stronger economy by get- 
ting results for the American people 
and demanding accountability.” 

“There were times,” says longtime 
Washington Post writer David Broder, 


132 “when I thought, My God. he sounds 


like Bob Dole.” Dole, by the way—one 
of the great senators of the 20th century 
but a full-fledged disaster as a presiden- 
tial candidate—once replied to a college 
student who asked about acid rain, “That 
bill’s in markup.” 

And maybe there's another, starker 
reason for the senatorial blather. 

“If you're a senator,” Broder asks, 
“what do you do besides talk? You go to 
Capitol Hill in the morning, and at the 
end of the day you're exactly where you 
were at the beginning of the day, and all 
you've done in between is fill up the air 
with talk. So that’s what they do.” 


WHAT MAKES A NO-BULLSHIT POLITICIAN? 


Remember the three keys to smart real 
estate investing? Location, location, 
location. That's one key to finding 
political straight shooters. Historically 
they're much more likely to come from 
the West than from the coasts or the 
major population centers. Think of 
Mike Mansfield, the taciturn Montana 
senator who set the all-time record for 
the most questions asked of a guest 
on Meet the Press because his answers 
were so short. Think of Arizona's Barry 
Goldwater, whose off-the-cuff com- 
ments on nuclear weapons dogged him 
in the 1964 presidential campaign and 
whose libertarian leanings prompted 
him to say almost 20 years later that 
“every good Christian ought to kick 
Jerry Falwell in the ass.” Think of Ari- 
zona representative Mo Udall, who 
once observed at an endless political 
dinner, “Everything that can be said 
has already been said. It's just that 
not everyone has said it yet.” Think 
of former New Mexico governor Gary 
Johnson, one of the first political fig- 
ures to protest the draconian, hugely 
hypocritical war on drugs. 

“Westerners,” says Broder, “tend to be 
blunt, to be much more direct and not 
to bullshit about things.” 

Wisconsin, of course, is more Midwest 
than West, but it is a state with a long 
string of plainspoken maverick politi- 
cal figures, ranging from governor and 
senator Robert La Follette, the father of 
20th century progressivism, to ex-senator 
William Proxmire, who mocked gov- 
ernment boondoggles, to Senator Russ 
Feingold, who was almost unanimously 
nominated for the No-Bullshit Caucus. 

“Wisconsin senators are independent,” 
says Feingold. “This is the whole tradition.” 
You're expected to be on the side of the 
environment and civil rights. “But to be 
somebody you can always guarantee is 
going to be with the team? That's not what 
Wisconsin senators do, and it's not what the 
people of our state want us to do," Feingold 
says. When he voted to confirm John 
Ashcroft as attorney general in 2001—only 
eight of 50 Democrats did so—he stirred 
angry responses among some Wisconsin 
Democrats. A year later, when he was the 
only senator to oppose the USA Patriot Act, 


“people began to realize that this is the way 
I do my job,” he says. “Others were like, 
“Well, good, now he's back in the fold.” But 
the problem is that sometimes people 
think, Oh good, he's joined our team. But 
I'm not on any team.” 

But if geography helps some politicians 
develop an immunity to bullshit, an even 
greater measure of protection is provided 
by something else: a rich, varied and even 
dangerous past life that makes the risks of 
politics seem substantially less daunting. 

If, for instance, you spent five and a 
half years in a North Victnamesc hell- 
hole, with torture a more or less regu- 
lar part of your life, you are not likely 
to be cowed if a lobbyist or Republican 
operative accuses you of political her- 
esy. Indeed, you are likely to feel a 
sense of political as well as personal lib- 
eration. That's why one of the endur- 
ing delights of Senator John McCain's 
2000 campaign was that he began 
every day on his "Straight Talk Express" 
by proclaiming that everything— 
everything—was on the record. Apart 
from winning the gratitude of the trav- 
eling press, McCain could campaign 
utterly free of the с g fear that his 
every phrase contained the seeds of his 
political destruction. This freedom also. 
explains McCain's willingness, if not his 
eagerness, to take on some of the most 
sacred elements of the Republican 
Party canon. Compared with what he 
has lived through, is it really that 
threatening if an antitax group vows to 
run attack ads against you? Indepen- 
dence, of course, does not guarantee 
political immunity; the under-the-table 
assaults launched on McCain during 
the 2000 South Carolina primary 
clearly inflicted serious damage. 

But it doesn't take brutal imprison- 
ment to armor a public figure against 
the normal tendency to duck and cover. 
Chuck Hagel was a Vietnam combat 
veteran who then had a successful 
business career before entering the 
Senate. His Nebraska colleague, Bob 
Kerrey, was a Medal of Honor recipi- 
ent in Vietnam and launched a success- 
ful restaurant business before entering 
politics. Ex-New Jersey senator Bill 
Bradley, one of the more independent- 
minded members of the Senate, did not 
need politics to feel admiration or even 
adulation. He had plenty of that as a 
basketball star. Ronald Reagan had the 
same dose of celebrity worship as an 
actor, as did Fred Thompson. 


NO-BULLSHIT AS A POLITICAL WINNER. 


The vast majority of politicians who stay 
imprisoned within the confines of the 
political margins do so out of a primal 
survival instinct. It is, they are convinced, 
the way to stay alive in the only world that 
matters to them; to do otherwise is to risk 
everything, they believe. 

“It's like you're kind of stepping into 
the unknown,” Thompson says. “What 


if they don't like me? What if just being 
myself is not enough?’ And if you're а 
professional politician, losing an election 
is equivalent to losing your medical or 
law license. You've been deprived of your 
profession. That's heavy stuff.” 

But there's a splendidly ironic twist to 
the fear and hunger for survival that muf- 
fles their voice: It’s not necessary. In fact, 
the most persistent, inexplicable miscalcu- 
lation made by much of America's political 
class is that a heavy dose of bullshit is an 
integral ingredient in the recipe for sur- 
vival. The reality is that voters are desper- 
ate for the sound of an authentic human 
voice talking honestly to them. 

“Гуе seen it time and time again,” 
says Thompson. “If people would just 
Jet their hair down a bit, come across as 
you'd find them in private conversation, 
they would be a lot more likable and alot 
more successful. 

“People lik says Feingold of his 
independence. “At least in Wisconsin, if 
they sense you're giving it a straight shot, 
if they think you're actually analyzing the 
issue and asking the right questions, they 
may not agree with your conclusions, but 
their feeling is you're doing your job, not 
blowing smoke at them. People love that.” 

There’s plenty of evidence that this is 
true beyond America's dairy land. In 1992 
Ross Perot got 19 percent of the vote for 
president—the second-highest total for 
any modern third-party presidential can- 
didate—despite its being clear by Election 
Day that his seat back and tray table were 
not in the full upright, locked position. 
Why? In large part because he talked in 
clear, simple language about his ideas: 
comparing the enormous budget deficit to 
a “crazy aunt up in the attic who nobody 
wants to talk about” and proposing a 50- 
cents-a-gallon gasoline tax, saying, “Here's 
the one you're not gonna like!” 

Eight years later McCain's long-shot 
presidential bid was fueled in no small 
measure by the promise—substantially 
fulfilled—of straight talk. I saw this first- 
hand in Portsmouth, New Hampshire, 
where he told people that their naval base 
might have to be closed, and in Manhat- 
tan, where he expressed views on abor- 
tion and gun control with which most 
of the overwhelmingly liberal crowd 
fervently disagreed. Still, many said they 
would do the unthinkable—vote Repub- 
lican—if he were the nominee. 

Feingold, himself a possible presiden- 
tial contender next time out, says of his 
Republican colleague, “It may be that the 
Republicans will have such a desire to win 
again that they would actually accept a 
straight shooter. The general public would 
support him, and he would win easily.” 
And why? Here Feingold makes a point 
echoed by more than one member of the 
caucus: “We've been through a very long 
period in which people have manipulated 
political expression for the purpose of 
upsetting people and used phony 
approaches to fears in a way that has been 


rewarded. But voters are catching on to 
that, and that era could come to an end.” 


WHY IT MATTERS 


If Feingold is right, the rise of no-bullshit 
politics can’t come a moment too soon. It's 
not that politicians have ever been admired 
for their intellectual bravery or wisdom. A 
century ago Mark Twain said, "Suppose 
you were an idiot, and suppose you were a 
member of Congress. But I repeat myself.” 
More than halfa century ago, in his famous 
essay “Politics and the English Language,” 
George Orwell compared most political 
rhetoric to “a cuttlefish spurting out ink.” 

But the United States is entering a time 
when the political class will have to make 
very hard choices about very big matters. 
"The promise of a debt-free, ever more 
prosperous country, which seemed a real- 
ity barely five years ago, is gone. The mas- 
sive baby-boom generation, little more 
than five years away from Social Security 
and Medicare, will tax public resources in 
a way we have never seen befor: 

“That’s where we're headed," Thomp- 
son says, “and everybody knows that. If 
we were doing the right thing, we would 
ditch 75 percent of what Congress has on 
its plate up there right now and focus. 
And that’s the most discouraging part of 
politics—that we can't come together on 
even those basic things that are most im- 
portant to the next generation and to our 
country's longevity and success, or have 
somebody who can look the American peo- 
ple in the eye and say, “This is the deal" 

If Thompson's right—and there is 
broad agreement across the spectrum 
that he is—then cutting through the 
bullshit is not a matter of aesthetics or 
clarity or even intellectual honesty: It's a 
matter of survival. Democrats will have to 
say more about entitlements than “They 
must be protected just the way they are.” 
Republicans will have to begin wondering 
whether massive tax cuts are the nostrum 
for every economic circumstance. 

And here’s the most intriguing possi- 
bility of all: As McCain and then Howard 
Dean demonstrated, the Internet makes 
it possible for ordinary citizens of no 
particular wealth or clout to aggregate 
their money and their energy to produce 
impressive amounts of both. For the first 
time a mechanism exists that can over- 
ride the two-party fix that has dominated 
politics for a century and a half. It is not 
beyond the realm of possibility that a 
pair of credentialed mainstream politi- 
cal figures—one from each party—may 
mount an independent campaign to 
speak plainly, clearly and bluntly to the 
country about what needs to be done. 

And they could do a lot worse than 
to run under the banner first unfurled 
by Oklahoma senator Fred Harris more 
than 30 years ago: “No more bullshit.” 

It would make one hell of a cam- 


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133 


PLAYBOY 


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(continued from page 50) 
San Francisco. He even ignored her when 
she flashed her breasts. 

Skokie was a competitive environment 
for smart kids, and Kremen leamed that 
he liked winning. He now lives in an 8,900- 
square-foot, six-bedroom San Diego man- 
sion on three acres in the city’s exclusive 
Rancho Santa Fe community; the home once 
belonged to Cohen. It's the first and so far 
the only significant asset Kremen has seized 
from “the bad guy,” as he calls his adversary. 
Framed and mounted on a wall in his home 
are the circuit boards that made up his first 
hand-built computer, which won him first 
prize in a seventh-grade science contest. It's 
next to the popcorn machine and the red 
London phone booth, around the corner 
from the server room. 

Something of a nervous man, Kremen 
sleeps in a small bedroom down the hall 
from the master suite; the bad guy's 
room makes him uncomfortable, he says. 
But as a kind of taunt, he keeps all the 
lega! papers relating to Cohen in the big 
bedroom's huge walk-in closet. 

Kremenalways wanted to make money. “I 
missed outon 15 years of having fun, going 
to rock concerts, having girlfriends,” he says. 
“That's why I had my little drug crisis.” After 
winning back Sex.com Kremen also got into 
crank, or methamphetamine, which led to 
indulgences with porn stars, too. 

Kremen enrolled at Northwestern in 
1981, and in the era of the yuppie he fit 
right in with his double major in electrical 
engineering and business and his after- 
school job. “He took it on himself to be 
the guy with the most job offers for the 
highest salaries,” says Steve Laico, who has 
been his best friend ever since. “He got all 
that.” But he wasn't averse to fun. “I don't 
want to call him a crazy genius, but that's 
close,” says Philip van Munching, a brew- 
ery heir who was another friend. “If he 
owed you $10, he'd give you a check with 
a statement you vehemently disagreed 
with written above the endorsement line, 
so you'd have to endorse it. It wasn't mali- 
cious. He was contentious for fun.” 

After graduating, Kremen got a job with 
a government aerospace contractor, where 
he first encountered the earliest version 
of the Internet, then called Arpanet. He 
enrolled in Stanford business school, in Sili- 
con Valley, to learn to be an entrepreneur, 
and he kept his nose to the grindstone. “I 
lost my virginity at a normal guy time,” he 
says, hesitating briefly before adding, “you 
know—13 or 14. I had a girlfriend in col- 
lege.” That's right, just onc. His final proj- 
ect vas a study of bankruptcy. 

Concurrently, a few hours drive south in 
Orange County, his future nemesis, Cohen, 
was moving up the criminal food chain, with 
a specialty in bankruptcy fraud. 


. 
Cohen grew up in Van Nuys, in the San 


134 Fernando Valley outside Los Angeles. 


When he was little, his father, a success- 
ful accountant, left home, married his 
secretary and moved to Beverly Hills, 
where he drove a Rolls, inspiring admi- 
ration and envy in his son. “His mother 
was sweet, but he thought she was a 
real nutcase,” says Susan Boydston, the 
third of Cohen's five ex-wives. “She kept 
the house spick-and-span, and he was a 
rebellious slob. He tuned her out at an 
early age. He felt he had only himself 
to count on, and everyone in his path 
would pay.” Cohen's ex-wives aren't the 
only bitter people left in his wake. By 
phone from her home in Las Vegas, his 
mother, Renee Cohen, says, "I don't have 
anything to do with him. Sorry." 

Cohen started cutting corners young. 
When he bought his mother roses at 16, 
she thought she'd perhaps misjudged him 
until the florist's charge showed up on her 
credit card. High school friends remember 
him as abrasive and cocky, always talking 
about sex but never getting any, a "strange 
duck" who sat in the back of class with “a 
perennial smirk, as if he knew what was 
going to happen and we didn't.” 

"His posture was slinky and dastardly,” 
says schoolmate Penny Campbell. “I 
know that sounds a little cartoonish, but 
he presented a Snidely Whiplash per- 
sona. Interesting how much a person's 
body language can reveal, isn't it?" 

Not long ago the fugitive Cohen recon- 
nected by phone with another school pal 
and told him about his holdings in Tijuana, 
“his shrimp farm, his titty bar, his ISR” Steve 
Fischler says. “Then I heard him say, ‘Get 
my jet ready” Cohen said it was a Citation. 
“Then another phone rings.” Fischler next 
overheard half a conversation in which 
Cohen appeared to approve a credit line 
for a casino gambler. But Cohen has had 
the same second-line conversation almost 
word-for-word with others—including me 
when he tried to convince me he was call- 
ing from Monte Carlo, where, he claimed, 
he was too busy running casinos to give an 
interview. He was in Т] at the time. 

Cohen married young twice and had 
three kids. He was later jailed for fail- 
ure to support his oldest, a daughter 
who later became a police officer. Her 
father had long since turned to crime. 
"When I was a kid, I was involved in a 
multimillion-dollar check-kiting scheme," 
Cohen admitted to me that day in TJ. 
Through the mid-1970s he was con- 
stantly in legal trouble. His first arrest 
was for passing bad checks—all under 
$300, by the way. He avoided prison by 
pleading guilty, but while on probation 
he was arrested again, for stealing a car. 

Charges of forgery, impersonation and 
grand theft followed, and in 1977 Cohen 
was sure he was going to jail. While await- 
ing sentencing, he met and married 
Boydston, because, she thinks now, he 
needed someone on the outside to protect 
his interests. She was in court the day his 
then lawyer won a venue change from L.A. 
County to Orange County, where Cohen 


lived. He was thrilled. He had a judge 
there "in his pocket," Boydston says. 

In the 1980s Cohen continued his life 
of cons. He used Boydston's money to 
buy a house in a gated Orange County 
community and began moving in and out 
of businesses as fast as a three-card monte 
game. When the heat was on one, he'd 
open another: repossessions, key chains 
and gewgaws, computer time-shares, 
computer sales and import-exports; 
there was a liquor store, a limo service, 
a telephone-answering service and 
more—many with similar names incor- 
porated in different states. Boydston 
learned later that she was listed as an 
officer of many of them, as were family 
members and friends. Evicted for non- 
payment of rent, Cohen would vandal- 
ize the offices on his way out. 

He had five passports, three driver's 
licenses, locksmith and private investiga- 
tor licenses, a plane, a sailboat, a Cadillac, 
a Porsche and that Rolls he'd always 
wanted, though it was never clear whether 
he owned, leased or had stolen the vehi- 
cles, and they seemed to have a habit of 
crashing or sinking or just disappearing— 
like the Rolls, which was registered in 
Boydston's name. He convinced Boydston 
he worked with the CIA to explain his 
frequent trips to South and Central 
America, booked through his agency, 
Confidential Travel—all free and first- 
class, of course, scammed somehow with 
travel agent vouchers. He would actually 
go with friends such as Jack Brownfield, 
a convicted cocaine trafficker. 

An electronics nut since childhood, 
Cohen forged documents in the garage 
on his own copying machine, wired 
his own phones and had seven lines 
in the bedroom where he worked all 
night and slept all morning behind a 
locked door. Cameras were trained on 
the door of the house for good reason. 
Aggrieved victims of his frauds, mar- 
shals, process servers and investiga- 
tors regularly rang the bell. Boydston 
wasn't allowed to answer the door or 
the phone. When a process server got 
past Boydston one day, Cohen pushed 
the woman down a spiral staircase and 
then started “slamming on me with his 
fists,” Boydston says. 

Cohen's lies were ceaseless and shame- 
less. He told people he had studied at West 
Point and been an admiral, and he claimed 
tobe one of the three Stephen M. Cohens 
on the California bar. He also borrowed his 
own lawyers’ names—making fake letter- 
head on his computer, often with the same 
telltale layout and typeface (he was lazy 
that way), with word-processing software 
he'd then return for a refund. 

Yet despite all this, Cohen charmed pow- 
erful people—like lawyers and judge: 
don't know what credentials he showed,” 
says Roger Agajanian, his first lawyer and 
still a friend, “but he even impersonated 
a judge in Colorado for several years. He 
let people off all the time.” 


Cohen was sued and arrested so often 
that neither Agajanian nor Boydston 
could keep count, and he so frustrated his 
victims, creditors and the law by playing 
procedural games and hiding assets that 
they would eventually just give up. 

Also during the 1980s Cohen discovered 
swinging, pressuring Boydston into wife 
swapping and group sex. By then she had 
learned he'd drained all her equity from 
the house and was perpetrating scams in 
her name. She finally divorced him in 1985 
after he had sex with two of his answering- 
service operators in their bed. He had dis- 
covered computers, scamming to get one 
for free, of course, and using it to start a 
computer bulletin-board system for wife 
swappers called the French Connection. 
He would sit up all night, impersonating 
women (he posted under both Boydston's 
name and that of his elder daughter) to 
lure men to pay a fee and join. 

The company that owned the BBS 
was called Ynata, an acronym for “you'll 
never amount to anything.” Some who 
know him think his mother used to 
say that to him and he's been deter- 
mined ever since to prove her wrong. 
Cohen calls it a private joke and told 
Boydston, who returned to her house in 
1987 (though she moved into a separate 
bedroom), that he used it to mock his 
victims: When they came after him, all 
they'd find would amount to nothing. 

When Boydston discovered that 
he was still using her name, this time 
in bankruptcy frauds, she finally had 
enough. She began going through his 
papers, hiding incriminating docu- 
ments. Unbeknownst to her, she wasn't 
the only one investigating him. Gary 
Jones, an Orange County sheriff, had 
been trying to get the goods on Cohen 
ever since he'd gotten a tip that Cohen 
was stealing luxury cars from owners 
who were behind on their payments. 
He then learned Cohen was also run- 
ning a fake law firm out of the towing 
companies he used to steal the cars. The 
thief who stole them for Cohen turned 
against him—yet he still got off. 

"Then Jones heard about the Club. In 
July 1988 Cohen opened his own swing- 
ers club in a four-bedroom house cut up 
into crawl spaces and tunnels lined with 
mattresses. It was so successful that it 
became a neighborhood nuisance. 

After the slew of complaints reached a 
crescendo, Jones arrived on the Club's 
doorstep in 1989. Cohen was outraged 
and went on TV to plead for his free- 
speech rights. But then he telephoned 
Jones, pointedly mentioning the sheriff's 
wife and children by name, and threatened 
to buy the deed to Jones's house, “I came 
unglued,” Jones says. “He made it personal, 
so every time that guy sneezed, I knew.” 

Jones finally charged him with zoning 
and fire-code violations, but the trial ended 
in a hung jury. Even before that, however, 
Cohen's troubles had begun to mount: He 
was ordered out of Boydston's house for 


failure to pay the mortgage, was arrested 
for hitting one of his daughters and finally 
came under investigation for far more seri- 
‘ous crimes than running a sex club. He'd 
flimflammed his way into a bankruptcy 
involving an elderly woman whose son 
had run up large debts. Cohen imperson- 
ated an attorney, created false documents 
and loans to hide what he'd done and then 
convinced his "client" to invest her hidden 
assets in his shrimp farm. 

“They arrested him seven times,” 
says Boydston. Still, he was cocky and 
sure he’d never be convicted. When he 
learned one of the DA's law clerks had 
failed her bar exam, he called and told 
her she'd passed, just to mess with her 
mind. Then Boydston went to the FBI 
with her evidence, and Cohen was on his 
way to federal prison for 46 months. 

Once again, he married first. He met 
wife number four at the Club, where West 
Virginia-born Karon Poer was a member. 
Though she'd later say Cohen wore the 
same clothes for days, never brushed his 
teeth and was tight with money, she mar- 
ried him at a swingers convention in Las 
Vegas and moved into the house Cohen 
bought using Boydston’s money. Cohen 
promptly made Poer an officer of Ynata. 

Poer soon came to agree with Cohen's 
other ex-ı “He never wanted to do 
anything legal,” she said. Cohen took 
tens of thousands of dollars in benefits 
she'd received on the death of a previ- 
ous husband and invested it in his own 
name. As the law closed in on the bank- 
ruptcy fraud, Cohen's father dropped 
dead. At the funeral his family told him 
to leave and stay away. 

Cohen gave Poer the French Con- 
nection to run while he was inside. But 
when the BBS computers disappeared, 
allegedly stolen by his cronies, she also 
had enough and sued Cohen for divorce. 
Cohen countersued from prison, charg- 
ing she'd stolen the French Connection 
from him. When he got out of jail in 
1995, Cohen stalked her, Poer claimed, 
and flattened her tires. 

When I reach her to ask about Cohen, 
Poer will say only, “You can kiss mah ass.” 


Kremen spent a couple of years learn- 
ing the ropes in Silicon Valley before he 
launched his first businesses in repack- 
aging open-source, or free, software 
and then selling security programs for 
computers hooked up to the newborn 
Internet. He hardly had a personal life. 
“I dated a couple of girls, but I was 
working hard,” he says. “I wasn’t dys- 
functional; I was just focused on other 
things.” He spent hours looking—mostly 
unsuccessfully—for dates in newspaper 
personals columns. And that led to an 
epiphany. “I wished there were a data- 
base you could sort through in order to 
find a person to marry. That's the abso- 
lute stone-cold truth.” It didn’t exist, so 
he invented one. 


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In 1993, having noticed that more 
and more people had e-mail addresses, 
Kremen foresaw that classified advertis- 
ing would eventually migrate to cyber- 
space, and he formed a company called 
Online Classifieds. He moved to San 
Francisco's Haight district, hired a pro- 
grammer and, in May 1994, shrewdly 
registered a batch of classifieds-style 
domain names—Jobs.com, Housing 
.com, Autos.com and Sex.com. Kremen 
also bought a defunct domain called Match 
‚com for $2,500. He was going to start by 
selling romance. “I just have the vision,” 
he said. “Gonna raise venture capital.” 

Kremen, then 32, raised $200,000, 
then another $2 million, then $7 million 
more. Two months after the launch of 
Match.com, when it claimed 7,000 mem- 
bers and a 10 percent weekly growth rate, 
he turned down an offer to merge with 
the company that became Excite.com. “I 
probably left $2 billion on the table there 
because of my ego,” he says. “I didn’t do 
it, because I wanted to be the CEO.” He 
had that title at Match.com. 

Almost immediately, though, he was 
forced out by his investors, who didn't 
think he was as good at managing busi- 
nesses as he was at conceiving them. He 
stayed on long enough to see his stock 
vest and then left to develop an early 
form of ad- and spyware that he later 
sold to Microsoft for a stash of its stock. 
By the fall of 1995 Kremen was rub- 
bing shoulders with some of the biggest 
names in the Internet business when a 
friend discovered, just days after it hap- 
pened, that the Sex.com domain had 


somehow been transferred to Cohen. 

Released from custody in February 
1995, Cohen was determined not only 
to regain his footing in the cybersex 
business but to move to a higher level 
In prison he'd met and befriended Mar- 
shall Zolp, a convicted con man, secu- 
rities fraudster and expert in offshore 
moncy laundering. "Zolp was his profes- 
sor,” says Luke Ford, a blogger known 
as the Matt Drudge of porn. “He took 
Cohen to school.” Back on the street, 
Cohen applied his new knowledge to his 
old interests in sex and scams. 

In the early 1990s sexual images were 
shared over the Internet with no profits 
at stake. Computer programmers scanned 
photos from magazines and uploaded 
them for tech-savvy nerds to download for 
free. With the release of Netscape, in 1994, 
everything changed. The web turned as 
lawless as the Wild West. Fledgling entre- 
preneurs snatched up corporate domain 
names from a company called Network 
Solutions, which was charged with register- 
ing all legal claims to this new digital ter- 
ritory Ransom was often the idea. Others 
saw the future in commercial porn. 

By 1998 adult websites accounted for 
almost 70 percent of the $1.4 billion 
spent on online content. In 2003, when 
the market had grown to more than $5 
billion, pornography still made up almost. 
60 percent of the total. In 1995 high 
school dropout Seth Warshavsky started 
the Internet Entertainment Group, an 
adult site that reportedly grossed $20 
million in 1997, the year he marketed the 
renowned Pamela and Tommy Lee video. 


“Don't worry. I'll kiss it to make it better.” 


"The next year he marketed the infamous 
nude photos of Dr. Laura Schlessinger. 
He is now reportedly living in Thailand, 
on the run from various creditors. 

Ron Levi. owner of Cyberotica.com. 
possibly the biggest early innovator, is 
credited with inventing pay-per-click 
advertising revenue in 1996, which 
charged for productive clicks rather 
than raw clicks. In the first six years of 
operation Levi paid out $250 million to 
webmasters for his advertising —and he 
was still a very rich man. 

None of this was wasted on Cohen, who 
had been given a desk at a company called 
Midcom, a placement service for technol- 
ogy professionals, many with top-secret 
government clearance. It was owned by 
Barbara Cepinko, a Good Samaritan who 
took a chance on Cohen and would soon 
regret her kindness. 

In the fall of 1995 Cohen launched his 
greatest scam. First he contacted Network 
Solutions, the industry administrator of 
domain names, and then followed up with 
a forged letter purportedly written by the 
president of Kremen's company Online 
Classifieds. The letter claimed that, despite 
its name, Online Classifieds had no Inter- 
net access and stated that Kremen, a mere 
employee, had been fired. The company 
was therefore relinquishing its ownership. 
of Sex.com and giving Cohen the right to 
take it. Cohen then forged an e-mail that 
gave his phone number as the one to call 
to confirm the transfer. With this flimsy 
pretext Network Solutions handed the 
prize to the con man. 

A few weeks later Cohen incorpo- 
rated Sporting Houses Management and 
assigned the company the rights to the 
domain. A few months later when he 
offered shares to the public through a 
San Diego brokerage that specialized in 
so-called pump-and-dump penny stocks, 
Sporting Houses announced plans to 
build Wanaleiya, an X-rated Disneyland 
cum Club Med, a brothel resort boasting 
500 on-site hookers, golf, tennis, skeet, a 
race track and its own airport on 300 acres, 
including a whorehouse called Sheri's 
Ranch, outside Las Vegas. For $7,000 a 
weekend, clients would have all they could 
eat, drink, smoke and screw. But after the 
owner of Sheri's told the press it was not 
for sale and Nevada announced it would 
investigate the scheme, Wanaleiya fizzled. 
Meanwhile one of the banks that financed 
Midcom cut off its credit because, unbe- 
knownst to her, Cepinko was named in the 
offering as an officer of Sporting Houses. 

Early in 1996 Cohen struck again. This 
time he transferred the license for Sex 
-com to a new company he'd set up in 
the British Virgin Islands. Sir William 
Douglas was named as its chairman 
according to corporate documents, but 
Douglas had nothing to do with it. The 
real William Douglas was the chief justice 
of the Barbados Supreme Court; years 
before he had refused to extradite Eng- 
land's great train robber Ronald Biggs, 


who had been on the run for 16 years. 

When Network Solutions brushed off 
Kremen's complaints about his stolen 
domain, Kremen let the matter slide for 
a few months, unsure if he wanted to 
be identified with online porn. By then 
Cohen had put up what's known as a ban- 
ner farm at Sex.com—a page of banner 
ads for porn purveyors who paid Sex.com 
to send surfers their way. He also posted 
articles such as "Adventures in Anal Erot- 
ica," by Stephen M. Cohen. 

Finally furious that his domain was 
enriching Cohen, Kremen found a young 
lawyer who agreed, in 1998, to file suit 
against Cohen and Network Solutions. 
Kremen says the adversaries spoke for 
the first time when Cohen called him 
that spring, claiming to be an attorney 
with the United States Patent and Trade- 
mark Office, and tried to scare Kremen 
off by saying he'd locked up the name. 

In fact, Kremen couldn't afford what he 
knew would bea huge legal undertaking, so 
it was a stroke of luck when Cohen started 
threatening some of the biggest names in 
online porn by filing infringement law- 
suits against anyone using the word sex in 
a domain name. Kremen decided to find 
litigation partners who would pay for his 
lawyers in exchange for a share of any 
eventual winnings; he spammed the online 
porn world with e-mails seeking anyone 
who had been threatened by Cohen. Serge 
Birbrair, a Russian-born porn-traffic bro- 
ker who bought clicks from small website 
operators and sold them in bulk to bigger 
ones via a domain called Sexia.com, had 
just been sued by Cohen. 

"I knew the biggest sharks on the 
Internet," says Birbrair, and he called 
the two biggest, Levi of Cybererotica 
.com and Warshavsky, who agreed to 
bankroll Kremen in exchange for 45 
percent of Sex.com. 

Kremen's partnership of porn 
moguls soon fell apart. Warshavsky got 
in trouble with creditors and stopped 
paying his share of the legal bills. Levi 
then dropped out of the litigation too. 
But Kremen had found a new weapon: 
Charles Carreon, a burned-out Buddhist 
public defender with a ponytail. Carreon 
was smart, scrappy and well-spoken and 
considered himself a warrior in search 
of a just cause. He decided to portray 
Kremen as a woman-friendly good guy 
who had planned to turn Sex.com into 
an educational website and argued that 
the domain was a piece of property. If 
Carrcon won the day, he would not only 
stop Network Solutions from disavowing 
its responsibility (the company claimed 
dornain names were services like phone 
numbers, not property like a car), he 
might pave the way to Kremen recover- 
ing the profits Cohen had siphoned off. 

In 1999 Carreon won a big round in 
Oregon, where he convinced a three- 
judge panel to stay all of Cohen’s trade- 
mark cases while he rewrote Kremen's 
federal complaint. He resubmitted it 


almost four years to the day after Cohen 
had snatched Sex.com. The litigation 
kept the case alive, albeit on life support. 
Kremen had no money and had agreed 
to pay Carreon only if he won. 

Meanwhile Cohen, who was making 
$750,000 a month from Sex.com and 
had almost no overhead, was revving up 
his lifestyle. By that time, Sex.com was 
making a fortune, so much that Cohen 
was able to hire one of the best-known 
trademark attorneys in the country. 
Cohen also bought the mansion in Ran- 
cho Santa Fe and started moving his Sex. 
com proceeds offshore. He changed the 
name of his British Virgin Islands cor- 
poration to Ynata, began building a net- 
work that illegally sent microwave signals 
across the Mexico-California border and 
issued a press release claiming that he 
was taking over Caesars Palace. 

Depressed, Kremen began taking crys- 
tal meth, which turned out to be his drug 
of choice. He'd begun, like “a lot of soft- 
ware guys,” with caffeine, then moved on 
to cocaine, he says. "But you can't pro- 
gram on coke because it makes you too 
jittery.” Then someone gave him his first 
hit of speed. “I didn’t touch drugs until 
Т was 35," he says, “when someone said, 
“Take this and you can stay up all night 
and have fun.'" Fun was not going to 
clubs and meeting good-looking women, 
though. It was sitting at the computer 
for three days straight. “Which is kind of 
pathetic, if you think about it," Kremen 
Says. “Speed is a coder’s drug.” 

He also began having affairs with 
“women who thought I was a little Inter- 
net star,” he says. “I had no time for the 
long chase after good-looking women, but 
I wouldn't throw away low-hanging fruit.” 
One catch was Ana Belinda, Carreon's doe- 
eyed 18-year-old daughter, who'd come to 
San Francisco to help with the lawsuit. 

Over the next year the case began to 
turn slowly in Kremen's favor. When 
Cohen countersued for defamation, 
Carreon, a former insurance lawyer, 
had another brainstorm. If Kremen had 
homeowners insurance, his carrier, State 
Farm, would be obliged to defend him. 
Kremen did, State Farm agreed, and sud- 
denly there were far more powerful law- 
yers and investigators in the fray, taking 
depositions and serving subpoenas to sniff 
ош Cohen's assets, perforating the corpo- 
rate shells that had always protected him 
and analyzing how he moved his money 
around. “It was going to Liechtenstein in 
$100,000 chunks,” Carreon says. 

Luckily for Kremen, some of his early 
investments began paying off at that point 
and he decided to, as he puts it, “liquidate 
the dot-com stock I had and put it all on 
red to beat this guy.” When Judge James 
Ware, who was hearing the federal case in 
San Jose, granted a motion dismissing the 
suit against Network Solutions, Kremen 
hired Jim Wagstaffe, a noted appellate 
attorney, to mount an appeal. Wagstaffe 
had a crucial advantage: Unlike Carreon, 


PLAYBOY 


suit against Network Solutions, Kremen 
hired Jim Wagstaffe, a noted appellate 
attorney, to mount an appeal. Wagstaffe 
had a crucial advantage: Unlike Carreon, 
he looked like the kind of lawyer a federal 
judge might take seriously, and he could 
balance out Kremen, who admits he was, 
at the time, in his “drug-addied state.” 

“Courts don't traditionally respond well 
to eccentricity,” says Wagstaffe. “Gary was 
perceived as wacky, and the con man was 
seen as a businessman surrounded by 
men in suits. Plus he’s got Network Solu- 
tions on his side. You're a judge. Who do 
you think is crazy?” 

Kremer's team knew where Cohen had 
hidden his money, but it wanted to keep 
Network Solutions in the case; it was the 
proverbial pot of gold. Wagstaffe pro- 
posed narrowing Kremen's argument to a 
single issue that would give them a wedge 
to reopen the case against Network Solu- 
tions. So they did. In mid-2000 Wagstaffe 
replaced Carreon as the lead attorney 
and asked the court to issue a summary 
judgment declaring Cohen's claim to Sex 
„com invalid because the letter Cohen had 
used to take it was an obvious forgery that 
couldn't be authenticated and thus could 
not be introduced as evidence. 

Cohen's deposition, which followed that 
motion, was a revelation to Kremen. “I'm 
sitting there listening to this guy, and I 
knew about the criminal record,” Kremen 
says. As Cohen went on and on, Kremen 
realized "this guy's a complete, total 
bullshitter. It's all made up, and if I can 
just stay the course, he's gonna lose. I'm 
gonna beat him. And then he panics.” 

Cohen had fought like a legal demon to. 
keep Kremen's side from seeing certain of 
his bank records. When they were finally 
produced, in October 2000, he made his 
biggest mistake. He waltzed into the Kinko's 
where they were being copied, claimed to be 
one of Kremen's lawyers and, demonstrat- 
ing the audacity that had brought him so 
far, walked out with them. When the docu- 
ments finally appeared a few days later, 113 
pages were missing. So Kremen's lawyers 
asked if the Kinko's had security cameras. 
Sure enough it did, and the tapes showed 
Cohen absconding with the records. 

“You'd think he'd at least wear a hat or 
something,” Kremen says. 

“That was it,” says Cohen's lawyer Rob- 
ert Dorband, who worked for Duboff. “I 
pretty much threw up my hands and 
said, "We're in damage control." 

Wagstaffe immediately made a second 
motion asking Ware to restrain Cohen 
from disposing of any of the assets they'd 
uncovered and ordering him to repatriate 
$25 million they could already prove had 
been sent offshore. A few days later Ware 
granted both of Kremen's motions eflec- 
tive immediately. 

On that victorious morning of November 
27, 2000 Cohen was not in court. Kremen 
says that while he went into a courthouse 
bathroom to snort some celebratory coke, 


138 the bad guy worked the phones and man- 


aged to send another $1.3 million out of the 
country before he hightailed it to Tijuana. 
A few months later a trial to determine 
damages was held in Cohen's absence. 
When his lawyer claimed Cohen had failed 
to appear because he'd been put in jail in 
Mexico for trying to bring some of his ill- 
gotten gains back to America, Ware was 
outraged and issued an arrest order, cit- 
ing Cohen for civil contempt. As a fugitive 
Cohen lost his right to presenta defense. A 
month later Ware ruled that Cohen owed 
Kremen $65 million. 

In the years since, as he appealed 
Ware's rulings from Mexico, even taking 
his case to the U.S. Supreme Court and 
always sticking to his story that he'd been 
thrown into a Mexican jail for trying to 
repay Kremen, Cohen again resorted 
to playing lawyer, representing him- 
self. And true to form, when the court 
finally seized his only significant asset in 
America, the Rancho Santa Fe mansion, 
Cohen filed a phony bankruptcy to dis- 
rupt the process; when that failed he had 
his lackeys vandalize the place. On Sep- 
tember 10, 200] a furious Ware ordered 
that the house be restored within a week. 


"I bought a building in 
San Francisco and had all 
these people doing heroin, 

squatting with me. Eventually 
it comes to my dull mind 
that I gotta clean this up.” 


Seven days later Kremen moved in. 
Alas, the Internet porn boom was over 
by then, and the dot-com bubble had burst. 
Though Kremen made $500,000 in each 
of the first few months he owned Sex.com, 
the revenue soon plunged. For a moment 
Cohen, who had founded Earthstation 5, 
a peer-to-peer file-trading network (a la 
Napster and Kazaa), seemed more pre- 
scient than Kremen, but the network was 
exposed as a fraud in The Washington Post 
and the geck community turned against it. 
Depressed because he'd won so little 
so far and would have to fight like crazy 
to get anything else, more than a little 
boggled by his turn from litigant to 
porno clickmeister and still fielding reg- 
ular taunting phone calls from Cohen, 
Kremen went a little crazy too. He offered 
a reward for Cohen's capture but with- 
drew it after Cohen claimed it led to a 
shoot-out with bounty hunters in Tijuana. 
Kremen's lifestyle backslid then as well. 
“He had to date the porn star, you know?” 
says Margo Evashevski, his private inves- 
tigator, speaking of Wilde, who ever so 
briefly passed through Kremen’s bed. 
“1 did some dabbling and tasting in the 


world of porn,” Kremen says. “I went to 
that zone, checked out the dark side, had 
a little fun and came back to the business 
side.” His drugging escalated again, and 
a year later his parents induced his sister 
to move in with him. She redecorated the 
mansion, and he kicked his drug addic- 
tion and got on an even keel. 


“My customers are websites,” Kremen says, 
seuling in front of one of his computers to 
give a lesson in online porn. Porn purvey- 
ors can log on to Sex.com and see what it 
Costs to get a porn consumer's attention: 
18 cents for the home page, 3 cents “for 
the top listing on the pee page,” Kremen 
says. 1f people ask for child porn, Sex 
.com’s software sends them to an anti-kiddie 
porn website. “No one says it's pretty,” 
Kremen says, surfing to WiredPussy.com. 
"Water bondage? What the fuck! I don't 
even know what that is." 

In January 2001 Kremen started his 
new life with a Fear end Loathing-like road 
trip with his lawyer to a Vegas online-porn 
trade show where he ate naked sushi and 
first encountered Cohen's world. “I had 
fun," he says, "but in a voyeuristic, out- 
of my-league way." 

"Gary had zero friends,” says Carreon. 
"The next day he was God." 

For a moment he lost his mind again. 
"I bought a building in San Francisco and 
had all these people doing heroin, squat- 
ting with me," Kremen says. One of them, 
a carpenter, offered to build a dungeon 
in the basement, and Kremen agreed. "I 
never got to usc it,” he says sheepishly. 
“Not my style. Some other people did, 
though. Eventually it comes to my dull 
mind that I gotta clean this up. So I spend 
the next two years cleaning up.” 

By then Kremen had learned enough 
to think he might indeed have a case 
against Network Solutions. After an 
appeals court reinstated that suit in 2003, 
he did some math, realized he might be 
able to win $120 million and decided to 
pursue it. The defendant must have real- 
ized it too, since the company (which has 
been sold several times and has few con- 
nections to what it was in 1995) settled in 
exchange for a confidentiality agreement 
and a sum, a knowledgeable source says, 
in the neighborhood of $15 million. 

Kremen began to feel he was free from 
his own form of bondage. He actually 
laughed when Cohen called to offer him 
a share of Earthstation 5 in lieu of the $65 
million he owed him (which with interest 
has now risen to $82 million). Kremen’s 
learned to laugh at himself, too. Asked if 
he's come to love litigation—he sues so 
frequently now it seems like a hobby—he 
replies, “They don’t teach you about the 
use of law at Stanford business school.” 

Kremen moved full-time to Rancho Santa 
Fe, where he didn't know any drug addicts, 
and he came up with the idea that Sex 
сот would henceforth sell dirty searches to 
squeaky-clean search engines. “You type in, 


like, ‘lesbians,’ and it’s really our listing,” he 
says. “We're doing a revenue share. I want 
a sustainable business that, at the end of 
the day, someone will buy. This is about ad 
sales. This has nothing to do with porn.” 

With perfect timing, Kym Wilde serves 
lunch as he says this. She keeps her 
clothes on this time. 


Last year Kremen turned his attention to 
Cohen's hidden assets, and by the fall his 
latest push against the bad guy began то 
bear fruit. In San Jose Judge Ware issued 
a series of orders that let Kremen seize 
not just the U.S.-based hard assets Cohen 
had put in the names of his fifth ex-wife 
and several straw men, but even his mail, 
or at least whatever of it was directed to 
the postal drops Kremen's team had man- 
aged to identify. His people also seized 
several computers that showed, among 
other things, that Cohen had hacked into 
Kremen's voice mail more than 300 times. 

Kremen's lawyers subpoenaed and froze 
the bank accounts, domain names, e-mail 
accounts and credit cards of everyone close 
to Cohen, paralyzing their lives. A similar 
effort was under way in Mexico. 

Still Cohen appeared to be no less pow- 
erful on the lam. His ISP sent bandwidth 
by microwaves from the U.S. to Mexico 
and provided Internet connectivity to, 
among other customers, the U.S. consulate 
and government buildings in Tijuana. 

The pressure on Cohen's associates 
worked, though. Just after Kremen sued 
them all to recover those assets, his fifth wife 
Rosa's daughter Jhuliana was arrested while 
driving through a special easy-clearance 
lane at the border near TJ with 200-plus 
pounds of marijuana in her car. She was 
served with Kremen’s suit while she was in 
Jail. Her mother was served at Jhuliana’s 
arraignment. Former drug dealer Jack 
Brownfield, who'd remained a friend and 
Cohen frontman, had begun negotiations 
on behalf of himself, Rosa and Jhuliana to 
give Kremen title to Cohen's Mexican shrimp 
farm, his Т] strip dub, his ISP and more. 

At the end of October the hunt was still 
on when Kremen gota lucky break. A top 
officer with the U.S. Marshals Service's 
Mexican cross-border unit had been fol- 
lowing the case and trading information 
with Kremen's team; even though civil 
contempt warrants aren't a priority, some- 
one in the government had at last taken an 
interest in Cohen. When one of Kremen's 
lawyers told the marshal something he 
didn't know, that Cohen had divorced 
Rosa, the marshal quietly took action. 

Post-divorce, Cohen had fewer legal rights 
in Mexico and needed a different kind of 
visa to remain in T]. Though he could have 
paid a lawyer $100 to get it for him, he char- 
acteristically chose to save the money and 
do it himself. When he arrived at the local 
immigration office for his appointment on 
October 27, Mexican officials arrested him 
and turned him over to agents of the U.S. 
Border Patrol, Immigration and Customs 


Enforcement and the marshals, who walked 
him across the border at 2:45 that afiernoon 
and locked him up in the same San Diego 
Jail as his stepdaughter. 

"The next day, dressed in a green prison 
jumpsuit, Cohen was arraigned in a wood- 
paneled courtroom. With a “very amused, 
smug, shitty-ass, you-think-you-got-me 
grin,” says Evashevski, who was there 
with Kremen's sister, Cohen surveyed 
the crowd, “staring us down, looking for 
Gary,” who, to his obvious disappoint- 
ment, was in Illinois visiting his parents. 

The next step would have been a hear- 
ing 10 days later, when the government 
would have had to prove its man was in 
fact Cohen. But over the objections of the 
judge and oblivious to the rolling eyes of 
his public defender, Cohen confirmed his 
identity, claimed poverty and asked for a 
court-appointed lawyer. Then, incredibly, 
the con man added that since he already 
had another lawyer trying to settle with 
Kremen, he wanted tobe released on bail 
to facilitate their talks. The judge refused 
and ordered Cohen's transfer to San Jose, 
where he would face a choice: Repatriate 
$25 million of the money he'd moved off- 
shore before 2001 or, as Kremen's attor- 
ney Tim Dillon puts it, "rot in jail." 


But no one was ready to declare victory 
yet. "Cohen never stops working you, ever," 
says Wagstaffe. "He thinks if he keeps talk- 
ing, eventually you'll be persuaded. Gary’ 
a worrier, and Cohen plays on Gary's inse- 
curities.” And as Wagstaffe admits, “when 
Kremen dies, Cohen's name will be in his 
obituary. They are linked for the ages.” 

Kremen is well aware of this. Indeed, 
within hours of Cohen's arrest, Kremen 
said he fully expected to pick up a ringing 
phone and find Cohen on the other end, 
calling from prison just to fuck with him. 
In Mexico Kremen's team has uncovered 
about $5 million in real property in addi- 
tion to the ISP, which it thinks is a $1 mil- 
lion business. Millions more are hidden in 
Europe, the Caribbean and Vanuatu, and 
Kremen hopes to get some, if not all, of it. 
“I tell him it's going to happen with or with- 
out lube, so lie down and get it over with,” 
says Kremen. “I don't think we'll see $82 
million, but a couple million’s better than a 
sharp stick in the eye. Don't you agree?” 

Still, Kremen’s not ready for his 11-year 
war with Cohen to end. “Clearly,” he says, 
“this story is not over." I can't help but think 
I hear relish, not dread, in his voice. 


"It's my first Valentine's with my girlfriend, so I want to get us 
something we can both enjoy. Are you available?" 


139 


PLAYBOY 


the big show 

ыш | from page 66) 
York became a scene, and Hoffman 
bestrode it like a Greek god, promising 
all men they could resemble him if only 
they lifted enough York barbells. 

Hoffman made a great deal of money, 
but his vision had a flaw. He thought 
the point of weight lifting was to lift a 
lot of weight. He wanted his teams to 
win medals, and be promoted weight- 
lifting shows. Guys would go onstage and 
strain, grunt and sweat as if they worked 
for a living. It wasn’t graceful. It wasn’t 
pretty. It lacked the extended story lines 
of baseball and football. It connoted the 
economic necessity of muscle when the 
crowds craved only its display. 

The guy who figured out Hoffman's 
mistake was the aforementioned Joc 
Weider. Born a generation later, in 
1922, Weider dropped out of the seventh 
grade to help support his family, which 
had emigrated from Poland to Montreal 
in 1919. Delivering groceries in a wagon, 
he often had to defend himself amid the 
ethnic tensions of the day and started lift- 
ing weights. He also had a lot of time to 
think, and at the age of 17 he took his life 
savings of $7 and purchased a used mim- 
eograph machine. The future, he saw, 
was not in barbells, which are purchased 
once or twice in a lifetime. The future 
was in advice you could repackage and 
resell every month. He wrote four pages, 
called the pamphlet Your Physique and 
mailed it off to 600 weight lifters whose 
addresses he had gleaned by going to 
shows and reading health magazines. 

“As my mother said, “You're a kid. You 
think you're going to compete with Bob 
Hoffman? He's a multimillionaire, and 
he controls all the associations. You bet- 
ter learn a trade or you're going to be a 
bum,'” Weider recalls in his huge hotel 
suite 27 floors above the Olympia com- 
petition. "My father said, "To be a worker 
and to be a dead man is the same thing. 
You take orders and you shut up. What- 
ever Joc wants to do, let bim do it. It's his 
life, and he's a smart boy.” 

Joe and his father prevailed, and both 
parents were impressed a year and a half 
later when he had accumulated $10,000, 
a huge sum during tbe Depression. Hoff- 
man was also impressed, banning the 
teenager from his events and forbidding 
other weight lifters to order Weider's 
rapidly growing magazine. 

“Hoffman couldn't stand any com- 
petitor," Weider says in an accent that 
is often imitated but rarely duplicated, 
with its Yiddish, Polish, French, Cana- 
dian and Californian nuances. “He had 
his magazine, Strength and Health, and 
he was writing mostly about strength 
training because he was interested in 
winning weight lifting at the Olympics. 
He figured I was taking good potential 
athletes and encouraging them to do 


140 bodybuilding. He was losing his grip. 


For me, it was just common sense: How 
many guys want to kill themselves lift- 
ing heavy weights? And how many guys 
want to look good for girls? I figured I 
had 100-to-one odds. Plus Hoffman was 
very prejudiced. He loved the Nazis. He 
didn’t like minorities. He thought Hitler 
was making the German people strong, 
teaching them strength through joy and 
all that kind of stuff.” 


LADIES’ NIGHT 


In Pumping Iron—the 1977 bodybuilding 
documentary that turned a small niche 
sport into a medium-size niche sport— 
Schwarzenegger famously says that the 
feeling of blood rushing to a strained 
muscle, known as the pump, is better than 
sex. Bodybuilders love the pump and 
identify with anyone else who loves it. Fans 
give women bodybuilders a lot of respect 
because their love for the pump is so pure. 
The women make a fraction of the men's 
money and get few endorsements, and 
they endure many horrified stares, all for 
the love of the pump. The sad truth is that 
muscleheads do not buy expensive tickets 
to look at the women. Not enough muscle. 
And men in general still find women body- 
builders weird and threatening. 

So on ladies’ night at the 2004 compe- 
tition, the Mandalay Bay Events Center 
was about balf full, and the Ms. Olympia 
contestants, lightweight and heavyweight 
divisions (below and above 135 pounds), 
were not exactly hidden but one act 
among many. The aspirants to Ms. Fitness 
Olympia ran through gymnastic routines 
that fell somewhere between cheerleading 
and striptease, and the contestants for Ms. 
Figure Olympia looked statuesque with 
their hint of muscularity and nice boobs 
Eight-time Ms. Olympia Lenda Murray 
lost her tide to Iris Kyle, who simply had 
bigger arms. Both of them had very large 
muscles but also tried to look feminine 
and elegant, which is a trick. 

Women who take massive doses of 
steroids develop many of the same side 
effects as men: acne like an aerial relief 
map of Peru, hair on the back and other 
undesirable places and male-pattern 
baldness on the head. Opposite sexes 
also develop opposite side effects. Male 
bodybuilders can develop gynecomastia, 
which is to say they grow breasts, while 
women tend to lose theirs as testosterone 
burns their body fat. Many women com- 
pensate with implants, the architecture of 
which rarely fits the landscape. Steroids 
raise the male voice and drop the female 
voice. Some female bodybuilders give the 
impression of being transsexuals. 

A man taking artificial testosterone 
(which is what steroids are) will see his 
genitalia shrink because his testicles have 
concluded that they need not produce 
natural testosterone. If he stops taking 
steroids, he will suffer from estrogen 
rebound while his testicles decide to pro- 
duce again, which is to say he will get 
depressed and fat. A woman can take 


so much testosterone that she develops 
an enlarged, penis-like clitoris, which is 
taped back into the vagina when she dis- 
plays herself in a G-string. 

A man who is into women with large 
muscles and an elongated clitoris is 
called a schmo. Schmoes are a small part 
ofthe audience for bodybuilding and are 
not regarded as true muscleheads. A top 
woman bodybuilder who shall remain 
nameless was recently offered $10,000 
and a first-class airline ticket to Texas to 
tie up a schmo, whip him and ride him 
around a corral for an hour. 


After World War II Hoffman contin- 
ued to push weight lifters as the ideal of 
masculinity. He campaigned relentlessly 
against the bodybuilders Weider was 
promoting in his magazines, disparag- 
ing them as “Weedy men” and showing 
caricatures with broad shoulders, nar- 
row hips and muscular legs, which he 
declared effeminate. Weider was happy 
to be so disparaged. Hoffman's readers 
flocked to him, and he built a financial 
empire of magazines, equipment and 
supplements, all promising access to the 
Weedy physique. It was a turning point 
in the history of the male body: muscle 
mass-marketed to the average guy as 
pure ornament. All Weider needed was 
a personality behind the ornament. 

“Arnold won a title in London, and I 
bought him a ticket to come over here,” 
Weider says. “I saw in him the determi- 
nation and the charm and the willpower. 
See, some people are born with the will to 
power. The Nietzschean man has the will 
to power, and Schwarzenegger had that. 
Whatever he was going to do, he was going 
to win. And not one bodybuilder disliked 
him. He made friends instantly. Every sport 
has to have a hero. A hero brings the sport 
and the fans around to him. Schwarzeneg- 
ger had a joy for life and a will to power.” 

In sports the will to power often be- 
comes the will to cheat, I suggest. 

“You can use power for good or bad,” 
Weider says. “It's up to you. What does 
a competitor want?” 

The subject is veering toward ste- 
roids, which the Olympia does not test 
for. “Every sport uses steroids,” Weider 
says. “Some more, some less. People have 
some fantasy that a bodybuilder is some- 
one who just sits there and takes drugs. 
Not true. Anybody who goes to the gym 
and uses resistance to change his appear- 
ance is a bodybuilder. It would be a good 
idea if you read the predictions I made 
in 1950, because bodybuilders have 
changed our culture since then. The 
rules bodybuilders follow, everything 
they do to get where they want to go, 
have taken over the world.” 


During the afternoon of most bodybuild- 
ing events, the competitors come onstage 
in groups of four and flex their muscles 


in predetermined poses at the command 
of the judges, who grade them on tight- 
ness, definition and shape in the various 
muscle groups, as well as on size. In the 
evening the top guys come back and do 
their posing routines, in which they are 
required to hit certain poses but may 
move as they see fit. Most work with 
choreographers, and some do a reason- 
able facsimile of dancing, disproving the 
widespread myth that extremely mus- 
cular men can't get loose. Indeed, some 
close their routines with a full split. 

It used to be compulsory to do the pos- 
ing routine to the theme from Exodus. The 
song was on a 45 rpm single, and at the 
end of each routine someone would lift 
the needle and start it again—for years the 
Exodus theme over 


area where the butt meets the thigh, 
which is chronically difficult to smooth 
out. It also allows the bodybuilders to 
bounce their ass muscles, which is a big 
audience favorite. If you suggested there 
was anything homoerotic about a pulsat- 
ing gluteus maximus, all true muscle- 
heads would be deeply offended. 

In the months before a contest body- 
builders eat a meal of protein and 
vegetables (say, fish and broccoli, plus 
supplements of vitamins, amino acids 
and other stuff advertised as the next 
best thing to steroids) every two hours, 
on the theory that numerous small 
meals crank the metabolism and burn 
fat. Eating such an unbalanced diet lack- 
ing nearly all carbohydrates, followed by 


again. Six to 10 applications over three 
days. With no showers. Then a woman 
named Jan Tana began marketing a tan 
in a bottle that is sprayed on in one 15- 
minute session before an appearance 
and followed by a slathering of Posing 
Gel (“Maximizes muscularity, vascularity 
and hardness”). 

Another reason bodybuilders eat a lot 
(up to and beyond 14,000 calories a day) 
is that some of them take large amounts 
of human growth hormone, which burns 
muscle, including the heart, if it's not 
burning food. HGH makes all the soft 
tissue in your body grow, including the 
cartilage between the plates of your skull. 
When you hear a sports commentator 
gripe that an athlete has an unnaturally 
large head because 


and over and over 
again. Since 1978 
each bodybuilder 
has been allowed 
to choose his own 
music. Most start 
with some Exodus-like 
classical theme that 
morphs into heavy 
metal or hip-hop. 
Only Coleman can 
get away with posing 
to “O Fortuna” from 
Carl Orff’s Carmina 
Burana. 

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has, until 2004, been 
the pose-down, in 


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in contrast to their 
opponents’ worst. 
The bodybuilders 
step in front of each 
other a lot and oth- 
erwise try to express 
the kinesis of alpha 
masculinity. The 
muscleheads get 
excited and goad 
their favorites to 
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of steroids, the cul- 
prit drug is possibly 
HGH. An HGH 
head is round like a 
basketball. A steroid 
head is squared off, 
especially at the jaw. 
When a top 
bodybuilder thinks 
nobody is look- 
ing and relaxes his 
washboard abs, he 
looks like a pregnant 
hippopotamus. 
After a contest, 
when the body- 
builder no longer 
has to drain all his 
water and fat for 
maximum muscle 
definition, it is not 
unusual for him to 
gain 20 pounds in 
48 hours. In the off- 
season, a 290-pound 
bodybuilder can eas- 
ily balloon to 350 
pounds. Getting to 
optimum weight is 
called peaking and 
can be done only 
‘once or twice a year. 
Some bodybuild- 
ers inject irritants 
into their muscles 


Shown: Ruby Velour Lounge Sel 


flexing with lines 
you don't hear in any other sport: “You 
can't win a show with soft boobs!" 

The bodybuilders are illuminated by 
bright white spotlights shining at a 45- 
degree angle to eliminate shadows. This 
also bleaches out their muscles, so all the 
contestants stain their skin dark brown 
and then oil themselves to enhance defi- 
nition. In Pumping Iron, all the athletes 
have unoiled white skin; now it's hard to 
tell the white guys from the black guys. 
They also used to wear the equivalent of 
tight swimming trunks; now they wear 
posing trunks that are about halfway 
between a jock and a thong. This allows 
closer inspection of the crucially impor- 
tant glute-hamstring tie-ins; that is, the 


carbohydrate loading, requires tremen- 
dous discipline—bodybuilders drink 
two or three gallons of water a day to 
flush their kidneys of all that protein— 
and creates an ungodly gas problem. I 
wasn't overwhelmed in the huge Events 
Center, but in less roomy venues the 
doors are left open and there are a lot 
of electric fans. If you see a bunch of 
bodybuilders together on a plane, sit in 
another section. 

It used to smell a lot worse. When 
bodybuilders first started painting them- 
selves brown, they had to stand naked 
while the dye was brushed on and 
remain standing for several hours while 
it dried. Then they had to do it all over 


to make them swell. 
"They inject steroids into their asses. 
Older bodybuilders and professional 
wrestlers have calloused asses. One 
bodybuilder who shall remain nameless 
recently tried to inject HGH directly 
into his thigh, which caused it to swell 
to three times its normal size and his 
scrotum to blow up to grapefruit pro- 
portions. He had to go to the hospital 
or lose his leg. 

Most bodybuilders are short; many will 
add an inch or wo to their official height. 
(Coleman, for example, bills himself as 
five-1 1.) As a tall person among them, I 
thought, Aha, this is a way for small men 
to make themselves large. There may be 


some truth to that. Itis also true, however, 141 


PL ALY B OLY, 


142 


as a short bodybuilder explained to me, 
that a large muscle on a short bone bulges 
bigger than a large muscle on a long bone. 
Standing onstage by himself, flexing to 
“Ride of the Valkyries,” a short guy with 
60 extra pounds of muscle looks like a 
colossus. A tall guy with 60 extra pounds 
of muscle looks like a swimmer, and who's 
going to pay to look at a swimmer? So in 
rock and roll, horse racing and bodybuild- 
ing, short guys usually rule. 

1 will admit that I take a lot of pride in 
being taller than Schwarzenegger. I saw 
him once on the street in New York just 
after Pumping Iron came out, and 1 dis- 
tinctly recall looking down at the top of 
his head. Backstage at the Events Center, 
he was wearing cowboy boots with high 
heels, and I was still looking down at 
the top of his head. Since I am six-two, 
1 estimate the governor of California to 
be about five-10, not the six-two he has 
claimed to be since Pumping Iron made 
him a celebrity. The Austrian Oak is a 
girlic man, and that's all there is to it. 


THE QUESTION OF RESPECT 


1 looked up the “10 Predictions” Wei- 
der published in the July 1950 issue of 
Your Physique. He said civilization would 
speed up, causing illnesses of all kinds to 
increase. He said physical fitness would 
be the countertrend and its principles 
(balanced dict, adequate sleep and so on) 
would sweep the world. “Bodybuilding 
will become the stepping stone to every 
other sport and physical activity,” he said, 
and those who practice it will be happier 
and more productive. These aren't bad 
as prophecies go. The 10th makes the 
largest claim: “I predict that bodybuild- 
ing will one day become one of the great- 
est forces in existence and that it may be 
hailed as the activity that actually saves 
civilization from itself.” 

Up there on Weider's mountaintop, 
one can just make out football, baseball, 
basketball and Hollywood, the godly 
arenas for American male heroism made 
vastly bigger because of bodybuilding. 


Most of the time, in most sports, the most 
muscular athlete wins, and this truism 
was not so obvious a mere five decades 
ago. Without bodybuilding, football 
linemen would weigh as much as Vince 
Lombardi, home-run hitters would have 
the pumpkin-on-toothpicks physique of 
Babe Ruth, basketball forwards would 
have the arms of Bill Bradley, movie 
strongmen would be lumpy squat guys 
like Anthony Quinn in La Strada, and 
Gray Davis would still be governor of 
California. Men looked like crap before 
Weider, and respect must be paid. 

Has civilization shown that respect? 
Well, the most prominent admitted user 
of steroids in the world made a gazil- 
lion dollars, married a Kennedy and got 
elected governor of California after a 
reign as the biggest star in Hollywood. 
Meanwhile we have panicked testimony 
before Congress that 5 million people, 
including half a million teenagers, are 
taking steroids for the same reasons 
Schwarzenegger did: to get stronger and 
look better. Little regulated, much inves- 
tigated and heavily crimi .d, steroids 
are condemned by politicians and the 
sports press as sinful, and the wages of 
sin, they imply, is death. 

So that’s one problem. The more 
respect bodybuilding gets, the less 
respect bodybuilding gets. 

A second problem is that no new 
Schwarzenegger is on the horizon. Cole- 
man is undoubtedly the greatest pure 
bodybuilder ever. Having seen him 
onstage with Schwarzenegger, I would 
guess Coleman is about an inch shorter 
and outweighs Schwarzenegger at his 
peak by 60 or more pounds of muscle 
mass. Coleman makes Conan the Barbar- 
ian look about as ripped as your mother. 
He is not, however, a good quote. A jour- 
nalist will forgive just about anything, 
but if you don't help him fill white space 
between the ads, he’s not going to make 
you astar. “I don't tell people to take ste- 
roids or not to take them,” said Coleman, 
a former middle linebacker at Grambling 


5 NEVER SEE! 
Aen nse Gore am LIKE THIS. 


YOU HAVE A VIBRATOR, 
IN THERE, AND REMOVING IT 
"лы BEA RATHER TRICKY 
“PROCEDURE Y 


State University and a part-time police- 
man in Arlington, Texas. “It's their life. 
I don't advise anything on that." This 
was the most interesting thing he said 
to me. On the wide beach of celebrity, 
Schwarzenegger kicks sand in his face. 

So the illegality of steroids and their 
obvious use in the sport create certain 
natural limits on the interest in body- 
builders, just as there are natural limits 
on the interest in politicians. Both spend 
their careers not talking about what they 
are talking about. 

Of course real muscleheads don't care 
if Coleman has original ideas. They like 
muscle, identify with muscle and want 
to have muscle for themselves. Weider 
Nutrition International does business to 
the tune of $250 million a year. And the 
IFBB, founded by the Weider brothers 
to shut Hoffman out of the sport for- 
ever, now boasts 175,000 members in 
173 countries. You can't go broke selling 
masculinity to men. 

“There's one thing you should know 
about Joe and me," says Ben Weider, 
who was born in 1924. "We've never, 
ever worked with money as a goal. It 
was the passion for doing the right 
thing. Remember, if you go back to 
the 1940s and 1950s, bodybuilding 
was laughed at. Doctors thought you'd 
get an enlarged heart. They thought 
an athlete's heart was bad for you. 
Coaches thought if you exercised you'd 
become muscle-bound and wouldn't 
be able to play sports. That's what we 
fought against all those years. When we 
founded the IFBB, everyone thought 
we were nuts.” 

Ben, the federation's president since 
its inception, has the gracious air of a 
diplomat; he has essentially served as 
his brother's secretary of state. The 
IFBB, he points out, has a profes- 
sional division, which does not test for 
steroids and sanctions events like the 
Olympia, and an amateur division, 
which does test for steroids and has for 
decades been lobbying to become an 


Olympic sport. For that, you must be 
steroid-free or at least make a believ- 
able attempt at it. 

“Controlling the doping situation in 
the amateur division costs us an arm 
and a leg,” Ben says. “Every test costs 
about $300. When you test thousands 
of athletes, it becomes very expen- 
sive. I was an intelligence officer dur- 
ing World War II. I never once met a 
German prisoner who was a Nazi. And. 
here I have never met a bodybuilder 
who was found positive and admitted to 
using steroids. Once we had a girl from 
Singapore sue after she was found posi- 
tive, and at the hearing, which lasted 
three days, she finally broke down 
under questioning and said, ‘Yes, I use 
drugs.’ Just this 
one case cost us 
$60,000.” 


ENTER SCHWAR- 
ZENEGGER 


When Joe Weider 
started the Mr. 
Olympia contest in 
1965, it was the first 
competition for pro- 
fessional bodybuild- 
ers. The top prize 
was $1,000 until 
1973, when Wei- 
der cut it by $250. 
Upon receiving his 
check for his fourth 
title, Schwarzeneg- 
ger took the micro- 
phone, walked to 
the center of the 
stage and said, “I 
train all year. I diet 
all year. Last year 
I win $1,000. This 


are flexible, bodybuilders sometimes give 
art a higher priority than law. 

“I got caught up in trying to make a 
fast buck so I could continue to train 
without having to take a nine-to-five 
job—the old don't-pay-for-your-ana- 
bolics-when-you-can-get-some-and-sell- 
some game,” says Craig Titus, a former 
Mr. USA and top 10 bodybuilder. “Ste- 
roids and things of that nature weren't 
that big a deal at the time, and they 
decided to make an example of me in 
the sport and in the whole professional 
athletic world. And they did. I went to 
prison for 26 months. No female com- 
panionship, no family, just sitting there 
in a cell while other bodybuilders sur- 
passed me. Prison makes you reflect on 


THREE SHADES OF SEXY 


ple die from those substances every day. 
Nobody is dying from anabolic steroids. 
It's crazy. I don't use them anymore myself, 
just supplements, which are absolutely nec- 
essary in this sport. But a bodybuilder can 
take 250 milligrams of testosterone and 
feel like a million bucks. And I'm not talk- 
ing about this roid-rage bullshit. I've never 
seen it, I'm talking about aggression in the 
gym. I'm talking about a level of athletic 
ability like no other. I’m talking about a 
libido like no other, a sense of wellness like 
no other. Should they be made legal? No. 
Should they be available by prescription to 
athletes? Y 

Is it possible to be a top bodybuilder 
without steroids? 

"In general, no, I don't think it’s possi- 
ble,” Titus says. “But 
I also don't think it's 
possible to break the 
record for the 100- 
meter dash at the 
Olympics without 
them. I don’t think 
it’s possible to hit 75 
home runs without 
them or to gain 30 
pounds of muscle 
in 10 months with- 
out them. The only 
difference between 
a bodybuilder and 
other elite athletes is 
that the bodybuilder 
isa walking billboard 
for steroid use. You 
can’t tell with the 
others because the 
steroids are used to 
enhance different 
abilities. Steroids are 
used in every major 
sport. I know." 


year 1 win $750. 
Something is wrong 
with this sport." 
First prize went 
back to $1,000 in 
1974 and $2,500 
the next year, after 
which Schwarzeneg- 
ger retired from 
competition and 


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became a promoter 
operating under the IFBB's aegis. He 
invested in professional staging, light- 
ing and sound for the first time. He 
increased the prize money to $50,000 
by 1980, at which point he came out 
of retirement and won the contest one 
more time before revolutionizing the 
Hollywood action hero. 

Nowadays a top bodybuilder can earn 
in the high six figures with income from 
contests, endorsements, appearances, 
column writing, photo signings, personal 
training for rich people and modeling. 
Bodybuilders without sponsors struggle 
with day jobs, which don't usually allow 
for lunch breaks every two hours. Just as 
musicians often sell pot because the hours 


what you were doing before you got 
there. It’s no joke.” 

Married to highly ranked fitness athlete 
Kelly Ryan, with whom he has a daugh- 
ter, Titus now has seven sponsors (rang- 
ing from Pinnacle Nutrition to APT wrist 
straps), makes good money and is reluc- 
tant to say anything that might annoy the 
authorities who locked him up in 1997. 
But he still has opinions. “I was one of the 
select athletes who went to Iowa and testi- 
fied before the grand jury in the BALCO 
investigation, and I'm telling you the same 
thing I told them,” he says. “I cannot agree 
with the money being spent on investigat- 
ing anabolic steroids when alcohol and 
tobacco are still legal. Thousands of peo- 


haps this explains 
Governor Schwarzenegger's lifelong habit 
of groping. At the same time, your testi- 
cles, which make testosterone, will assume 
they have no useful function and shrivel 
to the size of peas. I have been told by 
bodybuilders that you can take a couple of 
drugs to resume normal testicular func- 
tion when you go off steroids. But the 
drugs don't always work. 

Groupies behave around bodybuilders 
the way they behave around any other 
professional athletes. No matter what 
their testosterone level, the pros none- 
theless don’t take much advantage of 
their status as they pursue their ascetic 
training routines. “You just don’t have 
time for that stuff, us says. 


“You can't 143 


PELTAST BIO Y 


hook up with a girl on Friday night and 
expect to do well at a show on Saturday. 
The players aren't top bodybuilders, and 
the top bodybuilders aren't players.” 


TALES FROM AN EX-PROMOTER 


"Every time a test catches up with a new 
drug, there are probably five more varia- 
tions of that drug that it can't detect and 
10 more variations that the testers don't 
even know exist," says Wayne DeMilia, 
former president of the IFBB pro divi- 
sion. "The guys say, "You're going to test. 
for these things? Okay, I'm going to take 
those things. You wanna test for those 
things? I'll take these things.’ What have 
you accomplished? So we don't test for 
steroids, because it's an incomplete test. 
The diuretics we test for are the most 
dangerous ones, the ones that can kill.” 
That happened once, in 1992. A body- 
builder named Mohammed Benaziza 
died from an overdose of diuretics in 
Europe. And another guy almost died 
the following year at the Arnold Classic 
in Columbus, Ohio. When bodybuilders. 
dehydrate themselves with all kinds of 
diuretics, they deplete not only their 
fluids but also their minerals, which can 
induce a heart attack. The guy in Colum- 
bus was so macho he didn't want to go to 
the hospital, even as his body was shut- 
ting down from lack of potassium. Once 
in the emergency room, he was so embar- 


rassed that he whispered the drugs he'd 


been taking to DeMilia, who relayed the 
information to the astonished doctors. 
He was saved with an IV mineral drip 
for the diuretics and some candy bars 
from the nurses station to counter the 
HGH. The IFBB pro division has tested 
for diuretics but not steroids ever since. 

‘These are sad stories, but compare them 
with those of the young men who have 
died from broken necks or heatstroke while 
playing football, or the many old football 
players with artificial knees and early 
Alzheimer's from too many concussions. 

“Sports is entertainment,” DeMilia says. 
“We are all fans, and we always want to see 
something better. If we don't get it, we go 
elsewhere with our dollar. Why does an 
athlete take drugs? To make the big money 
longer. If you want to get rid of drugs, get 
rid of the money. Every sport has to decide 
where to draw the line. And I don’t know. 
Whatever the athletes do, nobody is forc- 
ing them to do it. I don't go to anybody 
and put a gun to his head and say, ‘I want 
you to become a Mr. Olympia competitor” 
We live in a free society. We just create 
the venue for them to compete and make 
money and for the fans to be entertained. 
And you can see that they love it." 

One of the great innovators in body- 
building (it was he who suggested every- 
one stop posing to the Exodus theme), 
DeMilia was promoter of the Olympia 
from 1981 to 2003 and has been pro- 
moter of New York's Night of Champi- 


“They don’t call it ‘The Boulevard of Broken Dreams’ 
for nothing, kid.” 


ons since he created it in 1978. Being 
the promoter means putting the show 
together, selling the tickets and giving the 
Weiders 15 percent of the gross for the 
IFBB sanction. “The Weiders sold half 
the Olympia to American Media, which 
bought their magazines, and it's going 
to promote the Olympia now,” DeMilia 
says. “I'm out. Its goal is to make body- 
building mainstream, but you can’t make 
it mainstream. It's not. It's specialized. 
Go to a health club on Monday night 
in New York when it's crowded. You'll 
sec 200 people working out, and maybe 
one or two of them are serious about 
this sport. That's how small our demo- 
graphic is. It's just a certain guy who's a 
fan, and he's looking at male bodies but 
not in a sexual way. He admires it, he 
wants to be it, he'sin awe of it, and that's 
all. For most people it’s odd to see men 
looking at other almost naked men. But 
that’s the bodybuilding fan. He’s check- 
ing out that glute-hamstring tie-in, and 
ifit’s tight, he's going, ‘Oh man, he's got 
striated glutes. Unbelievable!’ I'm talking 
bodybuilding freakiness. 

“That's what they want. You have to 
understand that, market to it, have the 
fan hyperventilating, thinking, Oh man, 
I've got to see that. It’s not sexual, but it’s 
not going to become respectable, either. 
You take that away from the hard-core 
fan and you're not going to create a new 
fan base. All you're going to do is drive 
away the people who support you. The 
fan base is small, and it's coming to see 
freaks. There's that constant pressure for 
more muscle. Where will it end? Well, it's 
not going to end. That's the scary thing. 


We have no idea where we're going." 
. 


Having watched the Olympia for three 
years, 1 have wondered the same thing. 
"The big change in Mr. Olympia since 2004 
is that the posing routine with music isn't 
important anymore. In fact it was barely 
part of the 2004 and 2005 night shows. 
The 19 contestants were introduced, 
their point totals from the afternoon 
preliminaries were announced, and they 
posed to music for a strictly limited two 
minutes. This was a drag because they 
weren't being judged and it’s the only 
truly creative part of the show. Whatever 
you think of bodybuilders, it's fascinat- 
ing to watch anyone with 200 pounds 
of extra muscle try to dance. But in this 
new format, contestants were judged 
mostly in the afternoon, so there was no 
suspense and no point other than to give 
the losers a moment in the spotlight. The 
athletes were visibly spiritless. 

At that point in the 2004 Olympia, 
Sylvester Stallone (another guy with lots 
of horizontal bulge and not much verti- 
cal extension) read the new rules for the 
challenge round: The top six guys were 
to pick a body part they thought was bet- 
ter than the other guy's body part and 
challenge him. The contestants squared 


off with five seconds to pose, and a 1950s 
quiz-show buzzer went off. The judges 
voted, and the results were flashed on 
another innovation: a large computerized 
scoreboard. This all sounds okay in theory 
as a suspense builder, but it replaced most 
of the time previously spent watching a 
choreographed, creative posing routine 
with watching a scoreboard. The compe- 
tition is more like other sports now, but 
bodybuilding isn't like other sports. 

Another bummer was that once, say, 
Schlierkamp, had challenged Mar- 
cus Ruhle to a back double biceps and 
Schlierkamp lost, Ruhle could choose 
back double biceps again when it was 
his turn to challenge Schlierkamp. The 
judges, once more evaluating the same 
pose, of course decided exactly the same 
way. What's the point? 

Cutler was in second place and Coleman 
in first. They had beaten the others at every 
pose, and finally it came down to one final 
pose between them. Coleman called out 
a "rear-lat, lights-out, game-over spread” 
and won with a rippling display of his mas- 
sive back. The crowd of 6,000 got pretty 
excited, but it was somehow less human 
than the previous year. Schwarzenegger, 
who was juggling his duties as governor 
of California and executive editor of Mus- 
cle and Fitness magazine, came onstage to 
give Coleman his seventh Eugen Sandow 
trophy and a check for $120,000. “I used 
to flex my muscles for bodybuilding,” 
Schwarzenegger said. “Now I flex my 
muscles for California. I promise you I'll 
be back.” That got a big cheer. His plug 
for President Bush got a mixed response, 
which turned to religious ecstasy as the 
bodybuilders ran out into the audience to 
shake hands and sign autographs. Then 
they ran backstage for an orgy of carbohy- 
drate loading with pizza and Gatorade. 


In Las Vegas in October 2005, at the 40th 
anniversary of the Mr. Olympia competition, 
it happened all over again, Schwarzenegger 
was there—a bit chastened after a year in 
office—as was an older-looking Joe Weider. 
But this time, after Coleman rose from his 
fetal position to accept the Sandow trophy 
and the $150,000 first prize, a rumble of 
dissent moved through the crowd. 

Backstage, Cutler was cornered by TV 
reporters and asked if he'd even thought 
he had a chance to best Coleman after 
four second-place finishes. He did. "Me 
and a whole lot of people in this audi- 
ence did," he said. "They wanted to see 
a change.” He shook his head. “It’s just 
Mr. Olympia, man. It seems they don't 
want to give it to anyone else." 

“Yeah, but Jay Cutler will be back next 
year, right?” asked one of the reporters. 

Cutler looked angry enough to use his 
colossal biceps for more than ornamen- 
tal purposes. “What's the point?” he said 
and stalked off to his dressing room. 


MEDICINE 


(continued from page 62) 

“What are you doing in the city?” she 
asked. 

“Just errands,” her sister said, blatantly 
evading the question. Errands? In the 
city? So many miles from Los Altos? Her 
sister's shopping cart was stocked with 
small, expensive items, as if she were 
planning a gourmet meal. She placed a 
couple of rib-eye steaks on the conveyor 
belt, a small bag of fresh basil, some shii- 
take mushrooms. “Mom wants you to 
come over for dinner soon.” 

“I know. I've been busy.” 

“Next Saturday?” her sister asked. 

“Next Saturday, I promise.” 

“There's someone I want you to meet." 

The thing she remembers most viv- 
idly from that encounter is that her sis- 
ter was wearing a pair of red brocade 
house slippers. Her sister, who was five- 
foot-two and had preferred heels since 
she was 12 years old, was shopping in 
publicin house slippers. And she looked 
radiant, as if she'd just returned from 
an exotic vacation or received some very 
good news. 

"Three days later her sister was dead. 
Only after the funeral did it occur to her 
that the person her sister wanted her to 
meet might have been the astronomy 
professor and that the Albertsons on Cal- 
ifornia Street was just a few blocks from 
the campus where he taught. 

Ever since her sister died, she has felt a 
profound sense of disconnection—from 
her family, her work, the entire world. A 
few days after the funeral, she gave her 
two weeks' notice at the PR firm. "Why?" 
her boss said. He was wearing a Post-it 
with a cartoon drawing of a Neanderthal 
man on his forehead, trying to make her 
laugh. Everyone in the office was trying 
to makc her laugh. 

"I need to find work that is more 
personally fulfilling." she said. She had 
rehearsed this line a number of times. 
Her boss came forward and hugged her. 

“Tell me if there's anything I can do,” 
he said. She could feel his steamy breath 
on her neck. The Post-it bristled against 
her hair. For years the boss had tried 
unsuccessfully to hide his crush on her. 
Later he would be one of the friends 
whom she called upon to help her pre- 
pare for the exam. She practiced on him 
three times: once on BART, once in his 
car, once in his light-filled loft in Potrero 
Hill. That was the time they ended up 
going to bed together. Afterward he 
stroked her back and said, “Now that 
we're together, I can't let you pursue 
this career path." 

"What?" 

“I don't feel comfortable about you 
getting so intimate with other men." 

"We're not together," she said. She got 
up and dressed, found her purse, her 
cell phone, her keys. 

Naked, he followed her around the 


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146 


apartment. "Don't leave," he said. He 
tried the Post-it trick again. She hasn't 
seem him since. 


Sheis not the kind of person to make career 
decisions without thoroughly thinking them 
through. She did not quit her job at the PR 
firm without first considering the conse- 

ences. These factors drove her decision: 

*Manual manipulation is a booming 
and lucrative industry. 

+The hours are flexible. 

*She is not and never has been squea- 
mish about bodily fluids. 

*'The male sexual organ is an organ like 
any other, in most instances, not something 
to be feared or reviled. Erections and the 
male orgasm are mere reflexes, somewhat 
on par with knee jerks and sneezing. 

«She cannot remember the last time she 
did something even remotely selfless for 
another human being. She cannot remem- 
ber the last time she touched another per- 
son in a way that felt truly intimate. 


The portion of the exam about which 
she is most nervous is the manual. This is 
where 57 percent of applicants flunk out. 
‚After a failure, one cannot sit for the exam 
again until 13 months have passed. It is 
unclear where this time frame originated, 
but she suspects it is meant to weed out 
dilettantes. Thirteen months is plenty of 
time to find a new career path or to begin 
dating someone who doesn’t approve, 
someone who puts his or her foot down. 
She plans to pass the first time. At this 
point in her life there is no other career 
path, no potential love waiting in the 
wings. The boss is not on her radar. All of 
her exes have swiftly and cruelly moved 
on. She realizes from past breakups that 
she is an easy person with whom to sever 


ties. She is 31. Her last boyfriend married 
a software executive and is living in a $2 
million bungalow in Palo Alto. Recently 
on the phone the ex said to her, “I am 
flush with love and cash,” and there was 
no hint of self-deprecation in his voice. 
The software executive is expecting. 

"Expecting what?" she said when the. 
ex told her the news. 

“You know,” he said, sighing the exas- 
perated sigh that characterized most 
of their exchanges during the last four 
years of their relationship. “Expecting.” 

“But you said you never wanted chil- 
dren,” she reminded him. “You said chil- 
dren have nothing to offer. You said they 
would cause undue wear on your hands. 
The diapers, remember? The prepara- 
tion of nutritious meals. The assembling 
of swing sets.” 

To which he replied, “You always were 
so negative.” 


The week after the funeral she received a 
call from the astronomy professor. He was 
weeping into his cell phone. “I have to see 
you,” he said. “I need to talk to someone.” 

"They met at the diner by Lake Merced. 
It was a cool day. College students were 
rowing through the fog on the lake. The 
afternoon special was chicken salad on rye 
served with a side of hash browns. She had 
the special, he had coffee, he confessed he 
had been deeply in love with her sister. 

“My sister was only 16,” she said. 
"You're a married man.” 

His eyes were so small, his hands so 
small, his beard so short and bristly, she 
wondered what her beautiful sister could 
possibly have seen in him. 

“Did you know her dream was to map 
the distance between Earth and the near- 
est sentient life-forms outside our solar 


“Tm looking for a card that says, ‘I love you and 
all your hot girlfriends.’” 


system? Yes, she was 16, but she was work- 
ing on a mathematical formula that could 
quite possibly have changed the way 
humans view our place in the universe.” 

She looked at her hash browns and shook 
her head dumbly. “No, I didn’t know.” 

“What I'm saying is, to you she was a 
16-year-old girl. To me she was a great 
scientist in the making.” 

And a lover, she wanted to add. And you're 
married. But she didn't say it. It occurred 
10 her that her sister may have tapped into 
something enormous and inspired, a kind 
of love she herself had never experienced. 


Although a number of schools have 
opened to serve the vast number of 
hopefuls flocking to the new profession, 
formal training is not required to sit for 
the exam. Nonetheless, she briefly con- 
sidered enrolling in a local certificate 
program in order to validate the respect- 
ability of her chosen path, but when she 
looked into it, she discovered the costs 
would be prohibitive. Three thousand 
dollars a semester, and that didn’t even 
include the lubricant. 

Anyway, what she knows about hand 
jobs could fill a textbook. She gave her 
first at 14, to a banker’s son named John 
Zephyr, in the living room of her friend 
Ramona's house during a party at which 
no adults were present. Everyone had 
been drinking Seagram's and Seven, and 
John Zephyr was passed out on the sofa. 
Someone sent her to wake him up; it was 
long past his curfew. She tried slapping 
his face, pulling his hair, talking loudly 
into his car, but he just kept on snoring. 

Then she saw that his pants were 
unzipped, a fact that was not entirely 
surprising given the haze of marijuana 
and alcohol that wafted through the 
house. She opened the fly of his box- 
ers and gently took him in her hands. 
She had not planned on doing it; it just 
happened that way. Soon he was awake 
and proclaiming his undying love. She 
was surprised by the pleasant stiffness 
in her hands and the way this boy, who 
had paid no attention to her before, suc- 
cumbed entirely to her control. 

After that, she was very popular at 

ties. 

When she tells the ex about her new 
direction, he says, “You always were 
good at that.” He has a way of turning 
every compliment into a stinging insult, 
just by his tone of voice. 


Sometimes she lies awake late into the 
night, thinking of her sister. The image 
is always the same: her sister stepping 
up on the windowsill, looking back one 
last time at her bedroom. The woods 
around her blaze with firelight. In her 
brilliant mind she calculates the distance 
from windowsill to ground. She consid- 
ers the probabilities of her survival. The 
ground beneath her window is soft, the 
first floor of her house is burning, it 

(continued on page 149) 


One of PLAYBOY's most 
prominent Playmates, Julie 
McCullough was the cover girl 
of the Febru- 
ary 1985 Girls 
of Texas issue. 
She became 
a Centerfold 
a year later 
and posed for 
a sexy Venice 
travel pictorial 
just a month 
after that. Julie 
went on to 
build a career 
in film, TV 
and theater 
that continues 


to this day. 

1 feel I can do more good in the ———— alternative to meat,” she : | Most recently she starred 
spotlight,” Miss July 2002 Lauren explains. Lauren also served : | in a revival of Pajama Tops, a 
Anderson says, declaring her on the hosting committee for : | bawdy French sex comedy, in 
commitment to animal rights. PETA's 25th anniversary gala, : | Alberta, Canada. 


She may be correct. Every sum- 
mer since her Centerfold, her 
appearances at PETA's annual 
Congressional Veggie Hot Dog 
Lunch have made her one of 
Capitol Hill’s most anticipated 
visitors. With the help of a few 
other volunteers and a tasteful 
(and no doubt tasty) lettuce 
bikini, Lauren draws attention 
to animal rights and promotes 


co-hosted by Pamela Ander- : 

son (see “Playmate Gossip”), : 

and she staged a lone protest : 

= M against Kentucky Fried : 
Chicken in frigid Anchorage, : 

Alaska. Dressed only in a yel. 

low bikini, white boots and ear- such a turn-on for me, and 

muffs on a 25-degree day, you don't have 2 

f Lauren protested the restau- : ОЯ 

ranr's use of suppliers believed : ШАУ 

to mishandle chickens. “PETA is : ШОС 


“The look is so hot. It's 


vegetarianism. “Every year the s asking Kentucky Fried Chicken : 87860 
American Meat Institute has a free hot-dog : to take a stand and not buy from these : JH" 
lunch, so in response we have a free veggie- : warehouses," she says. “Me ina bikini in : ДШ ШШЕ 
hot-dog lunch. The point is that there's an + Alaska got a lot of attention." E DU 


BUNNY BLITZ 


Centerfolds moke L.A. the city of angels. From left: Deanna Brooks is the womon 
in red at the Mansion's Playmate of the Year party; Marketa Janska soils to Avolon 
for o Hollywood's Helping Hands event; Heather Kozar chimes in ot Playboy's Music 
Poll party; Tiffany Fallon slips into o Christian Audigier party in Hollywood; Jaime 
Bergman eorns her party stripes at Argyle in West Hollywood. 


MY 


FAVORITE PLAYMATE 
By Reggie Hayes 


My 
favorite. 
Playmate 
is Miss 
June 1982 
Lourdes Ann 
Kanonimonu. 
Estores. 

She was 
the first 
Playmate 

I ever loved. 


POP QUESTIONS: CARMELLA DEC 


Q: What have you been up to lately? 


the road and flying six to 11 times a 


A: Half the year I'm in Detroit, and half week. When I woke up, I wouldn't even 


the year I'm in L.A. I've been in Detroit 
with Jeff Garcia for 
the football season, 
and I haven't been 
working too much. 
But I look forward to 
getting back to print 
work now that the 
season’s over. 

Q: Looking back, | 
tell us what it was 
like to be Playmate of the Year. 

A: It was a great experience, and I 
wouldn't take it back for anything. But 
I do enjoy my rest nowadays. I was on 


know what city I was in half the time. 
East Coast to West 
Coast, all over the 


time I don’t think I 
got tired because 
my body became 
accustomed to lack 
of sleep and being 
on the road. But it 
takes a toll. 

: What did you miss most? 

love spending time with my 
dogs, my family and my friends. I really 
missed that. 


place. During that | 


Pamela Anderson co-hosted 
PETA's 25th anniversary gala, 
which honored prominent animal- 
rights activists, including Alec 

Baldwin, Heather Mills ay 


McCartney, Morrissey, Ravi e 


Shankar and Pink. Mean- 

while, in virtual reality, 

Pam's name was cited as <>. 
Lycos.com's most popular TT 
search term for the years 1995 to 
2005... PMOY 
Tiffany Fallon 
and Miss June 
2000 Shan- 
non Stewart 
represented 
Playboy at 
the MAGIC 
fashion con- 
vention in 
Las Vegas... 
Alsoin Vegas, 
Miss August 
2001 Jenni- 
fer Walcott 
received a key to the city.... Miss 
September 2002 Shallan Meiers 
and Miss June 1997 Carrie Stevens 
are slated to appear in the ensem- 
ble comedy Click with Adam Sandler, 


Pom rallies for PETA. 


Shannon and Tiffany moke MAGIC. 


Christopher Walken and Kate 
Beckinsale, anticipated for the 
summer... Miss October 2002 Teri 
Harrison appears in the contro- 
versial festival-circuit horror film 
Snuff-Movie.... Miss March 
Jillian Grace just finished 
filming her role in The 
Agonist.... Last, we'd like 
to extend our con- 
gratulations to Miss 
July 1996 Angel 
Boris, who recently 
gave birth to her 
first child, a boy. 


Jennifer hos the key, and 
she's not afraid to use it, 


cyber¥ciub 


See your favorite Playmate's 
pictorial in the Cyber Club 
at cyber.playboy.com. 


MEDICINE 


(continued from page 146) 
takes only a few seconds to die of smoke 
inhalation. For some reason she does 
not factor in the brand-new brick bor- 
der framing the geraniums. 


When people ask why a nice copywriter 
like herself is making such a dramatic 
career shift, she mentions the good 
pay, the flexible hours, the geographic 
mobility. She does not mention that she 
has always been at ease when giving a 
hand job. She never admits that she 
finds it comforting, the feel of her palm 
against giving flesh, the way she can con- 
trol a man’s face and his emotions with 
a simple shift in speed or rhythm, She 
doesn't say that she enjoys the moment 
of intense tightening just before he lets 
go and then the quick, hot stream of 
semen. She never mentions these things 
because she fears that perhaps she is a 
little strange to find peace and wholeness 
in such a simple, primal act. 

And she tells no one what goes 
through her mind while she is working 
on her practice subjects. Occasionally 
she tries to concentrate on rhythm and 
technique, speed and accuracy. More 
often, though, her mind wanders, and 
she finds herself thinking about every- 
thing except the job at hand: 

* Will she see her ex, the software engi- 
neer and their new baby on the street? If 
so, what will she say? 

+16 on that day at Albertsons, she had 
known she was seeing her sister for the 
last time, what would she have said? 

*Did her sister believe in an afterlife? 
Does she herself believe in an afterlife? 
If there is an afterlife, will she one day 
in the distant future be able to locate her 
sister there? 

*How do her parents manage to pass 
the endless days in that enormous, immac- 
ulate house in the Los Altos hills, and does 
her mother still tend the geraniums? 


The day of the exam arrives. She goes toa 
nondescript building on Polk Street, rides 
the elevator to the 12th floor and joins 37 
other hopefuls for the written exam. She 
uses a number-two pencil and finishes half 
an hour early, certain that she has aced it. 
The oral exam is more difficult. Her 
test subject is extremely attractive. She 
resorts to an old technique she has of 
slightly crossing her eyes in order to blur 
her vision. This way she does not have 
to look at his beautiful green eyes, his 
perfect face. He reads from his script in 
a convincing way. When he says, “I'm so 
ashamed to be here," she says, “There is 
nothing to be ashamed of. This procedure 
is a medically sound method of relieving 
upper-back pain.” A few minutes later, 
following the script, he says, “You fuck- 
ing whore,” to which she replies, “Please 
refrain from making comments that may 
interfere with the treatment.” As she is 


leaving the room she can hear murmurs 
behind the two-way glass. She spends half 
an hour in the waiting room, flipping 
through Popular Mechanics. 

Finally the administrative assistant 
calls her name and says, “Please proceed 
to room 1237 for the manual portion of 
your exam.” 

She finds her test subject in a large room 
containing nothing but two hard-backed 
chairs. The room is painted white. To her 
great relief the test subject is a fat man in his 
mid-50s witha receding hairline, complain- 
ing of excruciating leg cramps. She takes a 
pair of disposable surgical gloves froma box 
by her chair and gets to work. It takes only 
three minutes and 27 seconds. 

The next day she receives her final 
results by phone. A sleepy voice of inde- 
terminate sex says, “We are calling to 
inform you that you haye passed all three 
segments of the Manual Medical Care- 
giver examination. You were in the top 
third percentile of your exam group. 
Congratulations, this is the beginning of 
an exciting new career in medicine.” 


A few weeks after she passes the exam, 
her mother calls and says, “You never 
came to dinner.” 

Meaning, of course, that she is a lousy 
daughter, that she quite possibly caused 
the fire, that it should have been she who 
died instead of her younger sister. 

Her mother says, “Your father wants 
to talk to you.” 

Her father comes on the line. “Who 
is this?” 

"It's me.” 

“Oh, hello. I heard through the grape- 
vine that you've become one of those 
whatchamaaallits.” 

“Manual Medical Caregiver.” 

“Yes, how do you like the work?” 
"It's good, not too stressful. It pays the 
bills.” 

She can hear her mother whispering 
something in the background. *Sweet- 
heart,” her father says, “your mother 
wants you to return the necklace you 
borrowed from your little sister.” 

“What necklace?” 

More whispering, then, “The one with 
the rhinestone rhinoceros pendant.” 

She has to think for a minute, and 
then she remembers it. “That was five 
years ago.” 

Her father sighs. It has been a long 
and arduous marriage. She knows this 
for a fact: He never wanted children. He 
never even wanted a wife. Before he got 
her mother pregnant, he'd been plan- 
ning a solitary career in forestry. "Your 
mother wants it back," her father says. "I 
can't say why. Just do this onc thing for 
the sake of harmony." 

"Sure," she says. 

Months pass. She never finds the neck- 
lace; she never goes over for dinner. She 
cannot bear the thought of her mother's 
cautious hug, the polite pat on the shoul- 
der, the inevitable point in the evening 


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150 


when her mother would remind her, 
“Your sister took after me.” 

She advertises her services on the back 
page of a reputable local magazine and 
gradually builds her clientele. She rents 
a small office in the financial district. The 
office contains a couch, a chair, a pillow and 
a desk on which she makes appointments 
and keeps the books. She paints the walls a 
pale, hospitable green and maintains a large 
supply of Kleenex. She always wears scrubs 
to work, in order to underscore the mes- 
sage to patients that this is a serious medical 
establishment. She finds the work relaxing. 
She sleeps fairly well at night. Her patients 
depend on her; she is providing a valuable 
service to the public. Slowly she begins to 
feel connected to the world. 

But there is one thing that bothers her, 
one horror she can't shake: the image of 
her baby sister standing on the window- 
sill, preparing to leap. She purchases sev- 
eral books about the afterlife. Each night 
before falling asleep, she attempts unsuc- 
cessfully to channel her sister’s ghost. 


Oh yes, of course it happens this way. She 
runs into the ex on the street. He is push- 
inga stroller, and the software executive is 
beaming. The software executive has got- 
ten a perm and a thousand-dollar pram. 
“I quit my job!” this woman says, unpro- 
voked. “Motherhood is so fulfilling!" 

Consequently, the ex has taken a full- 
time job for the first time in his life. He 
has given up his career in hand modeling 
for something more stable, something in 
sales. He looks haggard, possibly insane, 
and she knows he is ready to jump ship 
at any moment. When the software exec- 
utive runs off to change the baby's 
per, the ex says, “Would you like to have 
coffee sometime?” 

“I don't think so." She does not even 


feel the slightest emotional tug, the slim- 
mest pang of nostalgia lust. 

‘One thing she never told anyone about 
her ex: He did not masturbate. Ever. He 
was concerned about repetitive stress 


injury to his hands. 


Nearly a year after she passes the exam, 
the astronomer shows up at her door. It's 
late on a rainy night, and she’s wearing 
her nightgown, watching old Westerns 
on TV. She has not seen him since that 
day at the diner. 

“May I come in?" he asks. 

He is wearing a yellow raincoat in which 
he looks very small, no bigger than a boy. 
She steps aside to let him in. She offers him 
coffee and a bagel. Still wearing his wet 
raincoat, he sits down on the sofa. She sits 
on the other end. His face has the gaunt, 
prematurely aged look of someone who 
has given up food for cigarettes. 

“I can't get her out of my mind,” he says. 

“I know,” she says. By which she 
means, Me too. 

“Гуе left my wife,” he says. “I've quit 
my job. I've been spending a lot of time 
at sports bars.” 

She is thinking about her sister, how one 
young girl with an infinite stream of num- 
bers coursing through her brain could have 
caused so much grief for so many people 
simply by ceasing to exist. She doesn't know 
what to say to him, so she tells him a story 
that she only recently remembered. 

“I remember this one time,” she says. 
“My sister was six years old, and I was home 
from college. It was 1986, and Halley's 
comet was passing by. She'd heard about 
it in school, and she was desperate to see 
it. I drove her out to Point Reyes, and we 
camped out on the beach. I remember it 
was this bright baseball of light with a fuzzy 
white tail. We lay on our backs, watching. 


“She left me for the guy who stole my identity.” 


My sister took a few pictures with a Polar- 
oid camera, but none of them came out. 
When 1 woke up the next morning, she 
was sitting down by the water's edge. I 
asked her what she thought of the comet. 
“It was cool,’ she said. Then she asked me 
the strangest thing. ‘How far away do you 
think they are?” she asked. ‘Who?’ "The 
other people,’ she said. ‘How many light- 
years do you think it would take to get to 
the nearest planet inhabited by people?’ 
I said I didn't know but that there'd be 
plenty of time for her to figure it out." 

The astronomer is looking at her with 
extreme concentration, as if waiting for 
some clue, some consoling fact that will 
allow him to get on with his life. “Yes, I 
remember when Halley's comet passed 
by," he says. “Do you know it won't 
return until the year 2061?” 

They sit for a few minutes in silence. 
John Wayne's voice emanates softly from 
the TV. 

Finally she says, “Why are you here?” 

He leans his wet head against the sofa. 
“I don't know.” 

It occurs to her that she nced not let 
him suffer. It occurs to her that he has 
come to her for a purpose, even if he is 
unaware of this himself. 

“1 ат a licensed medical professional,” 
she says, sliding closer to him. “Manual 
manipulation has proven extremely 
effective in treating patients who suffer 
from long-term mourning.” She is using 
her most professional voice. She touches 
his hand first, in keeping with protocol. 
He flinches slightly but does not move 
his hand away. 

He lifts his head and looks at her. "It's 
very kind of you, but I don't think that 
will help. Nothing will help." His hair is 
dripping on her sofa. 

“At least we can try," she says. "I won't 
charge you." 

“Okay.” 

She goes upstairs, puts on her scrubs 
and gets a bottle of lotion. When she 
returns, he has taken off his raincoat and 
laid it over the arm of the sofa. He has 
unzipped his pants and is sitting with his 
hands in his lap. "What now?" he says, 
trying to be nonchalant. 

“Just relax.” 

She reaches for him. He is so soft, so 
small. As she is working, she thinks about 
the universe. She thinks about planets 
spinning. She sees cold moons and burn- 
ing suns. She thinks about the year 2061, 
and she is pleased by the thought that 
when the comet passes again, she too will 
be nothing more than particulate matter. 

Soon the astronomer shudders and lets 
out a great sigh. He opens his eyes and 
says, “Elizabeth.” For a moment she forgets. 
the rules and leaves her hand in place. For 
а moment she is not alone in the world; 
she is connected to some greater thing. It 
is the first time she has heard her sister's 
name spoken aloud in many months. 


lil c yboy On The Scene 


WHAT'S HAPPENING, WHERE 


IT'S HAPPENING AND WHO'S MAKING 


IT HAPPEN 


therapy. "It's the place | go when the shit hits the fan. І can 

just paddle out to my own planet," he says. Clark is the. 
discoverer, pioneer and champion of the Mavericks surf break 
in northern California. In 1975 the now legendary big-wave 
spot in Half Moon Bay had seldom been encountered without 
a ship, but today the world's top big-wave riders seek it out for 
the annual Mavericks surf contest. Clark got his first glimpse of 
a huge wave there when he was a teen, thanks to a sharp-eyed 
Little League coach who spied the colossal curl about half a 
mile offshore. Not long after, at the age of 17, Clark screwed up 


S ome call surfing 50-foot waves insane. For Jeff Clark it's 


Huge waves, cold water and rocks, It’s just another day at Mavericks, the world’s toughest surf contest 


the gumption to paddle for 20 minutes through 52-degree 
water and take on a modest (for Mavericks) 25-foot face. For 
15 years Clark was the only person with the audacity to surf the 
break. “No one was looking for big-surf spots up by San Fran- 
cisco,” he explains. In the 1990s he shared his secret with 
some big-wave-riding pros, who immediately saw it for what it 
was—1he hugest surfing on the West Coast. The competition 
is held between January 1 and March 31, whenever waves 
are best. Once Clark announces the date on his website, 
maverickssurf.com, contestants have 24 hours to get there. 
Whether they get back in one piece is another story. 


Just when you thought you’d outgrown the world of 
caped men who fly around in tights 


f you haven't noticed, the world today is in a state of crisis. Terrorism, 
| mistrust of government, Brad and Jen—it's a mess. Who can save the 

day? Superman, naturally. Vaunted comic-book publisher DC Comics’ 
new seven-issue miniseries Infinite Crisis offers a new take on good and 
evil more in accord with our times, when the lines between them are not 
so clearly drawn. Written by fan favorite Geoff Johns and illustrated by Phil 
Jimenez (pictured left is cover art for issue #4, which hits stands this month), 
the series features nearly 400 characters from the publisher's superhuman 
pantheon in an epic battle that reshapes their fictional universe. Primarily 
the story interweaves the plotlines of DC’s holy trinity: Batman, Superman 
and the superendowed Wonder Woman. “For me it's about showing the 
audience—f they've forgotten or don't know— why Batman, Superman and 
Wonder Woman are such great heroes,” says Johns. “To do that across the 
board with the entire DC Universe, you have to ask, What does it mean to be 
a hero? That's really the theme.” And Johns isn't joking around. By the end 
of this series, some of his beloved heroes will kick the superbucket. 


151 


Slip of the 
Tongue 
One thong you 
should know 
about THANDIE 
NEWTON: 
Theh is silent. 
Оор», we 
meant thing— 
one thing you 
should know 


Anda slip. 
Nicely, don't 
you tink? 


for Takeoff 
Runway 

star NOEMIE 
LENOIR, one of 
the world’s top 
lingerie and 
swimsuit models, 
earns anA for 
sheer effort on 
the catwalk. 


Hearts 
in the 
Right 
Place 


Happy 
Valentine's 
Day from 
RACHEL 
BRUDWICK 
and all the 
treats at 
Apexglamour 
com. 


A Sudden, 
Impulsive 
„and 


Notion or 

Action 

That's CAPRICE 
for you, according 
to Merriam- 
Webster's diction- 
ary. We would 
also have accepted 
"smoking-hot 
supermodel.” 


ee ж 
mr VES e 
Herblouse: Fully Reloaded Empress of 
Welcome back to America's favorite teen twins. Ice Cream 


After LINDSAY LOHAN's lean summer, it's good to see 
her God-given talents once again on display. 


Playmate Angela 


Marquismodels 
«com, tumed us on 
to yummy JAIMI 
HAMANN, a Las 
Vegas bartender. 
We hope Jai 
more careful with 
a whiskey sour 


than a wafer cone. 


Y Is This Woman Laughing? 

The alphabet's penultimate letter has been good to ELISE NEAL, 

best known as Yvonne on The Hughleys and Yevette in Hustle & 

Flow. We wouldn't mind seeing a little more of her. 153 


Motpourri 


FACE TIME 


Just because there's a Miami Vice movie in 
the works doesn’t mean the sporty-stubbly 
Sonny Crockett look is coming back. The 
Sandalwood Essential Oil Gift Set from the 
Art of Shaving ($40, theartofshaving.com) 
will protect and soothe your face during 
these harsh winter months (for those of us 
not in a drug-lords-and-palm-trees climate). 
Each set includes glycerin-rich shaving cream 
and an cau de toilette, both with woody un- 
dertones and sandalwood oils from India. 


FULL OF BEANS 


When is a beanbag not a beanbag? When it's а beancouch. Or a beanchair. 
Or a beanbed. The Omni ($200, sumolounge.com) is a giant pillow-shaped 
bag full of polystyrene foam that in no way resembles the schlubby little 
spheroid you had in your dorm room. Depending on how you mold, 
punch and shape it, the Omni can function in a multitude of positions 
(much like yourself). At four and a half by five and a half feet, it's big 
enough for two, and you don't need to worry if things get adventurous— 
it's coated in ballistic nylon that's rip-proof and wipes clean. 


SWEATING IN STYLE 


Technology changes everything, even 
saunas. The new wave of sweatboxes uses 
infrared light instead of direct heat. 
The room doesn’t actually get hot; instead 
invisible light heats you from the inside, 
which means you sweat out more toxins. 
Plus it heats up in 15 minutes (as opposed 
to 45) and is electronics friendly. Sunlight 
Saunas’ Armana line ($3,500 to $6,500, 
sunlightsaunas.com) is available with flat- 
screen TVs and sound systems, none of 
which would last long in steam heat. 


BLOW UP 


Skiing and snowboarding are exhilarating, but humans aren't the type 
to stop at exhilarating. Where there is adrenaline, we say there must 
be more adrenaline. Hence the invention of the snow kite, a device that 
lets you catch hospital air and still land softly, speeds you across the 
flats and even lets you snowboard uphill. The open-cell foil design on 
the two-meter Samurai ($362, ems.com) makes for sharper turns and 
a safer ride, perfect for first-timers. Want to crank your backcountry 
cruise to the next level? Power up the high-performance five-meter 
Frenzy ($850), made for aggressive expert riders who want to play 

154 in winds upward of 50 miles an hour. Don't forget your helmet. а 1 


FROZEN DRINKS 


Alittle nip now and then 
takes the frosty edge offa day 
on the slopes, but you don’t 
want to bomb down a mogul 
run with a wineskin flop- 
ping around on your back. 
Pick up some Coldpoles ($55 
to $75, coldpole.com) and 
you'll slide in style. These ski 
poles with screw-off handles 
hold eight ounces of your 
favorite beverage inside. Not. 
only will they make you the 
most popular guy on the lift, 
they'll also make sure your 
hooch stays ice-cold. 


AIRING IT OUT 
The Air Max has been a well-worn fixture on treadmills and 


tracks ever since Nike introduced it in 1987. Back then Air tech- 


nology applied only to the heel. What Neanderthals. In Nike’s 
new Air Max 360 ($160), the cushioning system runs through the 
entire sole, making that sub-12-minute mile smoother than ever. 


COLD MOUNTAIN 


Normally we don't go for fla- 
vored vodkas, but something 
about the spirit of 44° North 
($30 at fine liquor stores) 
caught our eye. It’s distilled in 
Idaho from the state's vaunted 
spud, pure Rocky Mountain 
water and sweet huckleberries, 
Idaho's state fruit. The name 
refers to the latitude where 
the Idaho potato thrives. For 
best enjoyment, chill a bottle 
in the snow next to a hot tub 
all day. When night falls, fill 
the hot tub with leeks and 
beautiful women, then climb 
in with shot glass in hand. 
Gently steam until tender. 


THE NEW SOUND 


As digital music continues its march to absolute 
domination, we're getting more and more ways 
to listen to it. The latest is Roku’s SoundBridge 
Radio ($400, rokulabs.com), a perfect gadget 
that can pull in tunes from your computer with 
its Wi-Fi receiver, then fill the room with them 
using its built-in speakers and subwoofer. It 
includes an AM/FM radio, and Roku even tossed 
in an alarm clock so you can wake up to MP3s, 
Internet radio or your favorite podcast. 


STROKE OF GENIUS 


The link between sex and chocolate is well 
established, body chocolate doubly so. Going a 
step further, Kama Sutra, the sensual-massage- 
oils company, offers the Lover's Paintbox ($35, 
kamasutra.com), an elegant Hindu-esque package 
containing chocolate body paint in dark, milk 
and white flavors, as well as a mischievous little 
paintbrush with which to create your master- 
piece. What you do with it from there is 
your business, but keep in mind that while 
the abstract-expressionist market remains 

hot, conceptual art is the real up-and-comer. 


WHERE AND HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 123. 


Шех Month 


CELEBRITIES SHOW SOME SKIN. 


KANYE WEST—THE TOP DOG IN TODAY'S RAP GAME IS A SUB- 
URBANITE WHO WOULD RATHER POP HIS COLLAR THAN A CAP. 
THE POLO-SHIRTED RHYMER DISCUSSES HIS FONDNESS FOR 
PORNOGRAPHY AND WHY GEORGE BUSH DOESN'T CARE ABOUT 
BLACK PEOPLE. PLAYBOY INTERVIEV/ BY ROB TANNENBAUM 


WILLA FORD—THE FEMINIST POP STARLET WHO BELTS OUT. 
"A TOAST TO MEN" RAISES A SYMBOLIC GLASS BY DROPPING 
HER CLOTHES. HERE'S TO HER. 


DOWNHILL RUNNER—JEREMY BLOOM IS THE TOP-RANKED 
FREESTYLE MOGUL SKIER ON THE PLANET AND A FAVORITE 
TO WIN GOLD FOR THE U.S. IN TURIN, BUT THE TRUE SUMMIT. 
OF HIS CAREER WOULD BE TO PLAY IN THE NFL. PAT JOHDAN 
PROFILES AMERICA’S NEXT TOP TWO-SPORT ATHLETE. 


SOGBO'S WIFE А RELIEF WORKER IN AFRICA FALLS FOR THE 
CONTINENT AND A VILLAGER'S WIFE. A WHITE MAN CAN LEARN 
TO HUNT IN THE JUNGLE, BUT CERTAIN PLACES ARE TOO 
DANGEROUS FOR EXPLORATION. FICTION BY TONY D'SOUZA 


THE YEAR IN MUSIC 2006—YOU VOTED, WE'RE COUNTING, 
AND SOON EVERYONE WILL KNOW WHAT PLAYBOY READERS 
WANT TO HEAR ON THE SOUNDTRACKS OF THEIR LIVES. ALSO: 
THE BATTLE TO BE TOP IN HIP-HOP HAS BEEN DOMINATED FOR 


FRANZ FERDINAND, ARCHDUKES OF THE AIRWAVES. 


WILLA MAKES US WANNA BE BAD, 


YEARS BY THE EAST COAST-WEST COAST RIVALRY, BUT HOUS- 
TON IS ABOUT TO BECOME NUMBER ONE. PLUS WE EXAMINE 
WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO THE NEW ORLEANS MUSIC SCENE IN THE 
WAKE OF KATRINA—MO' BETTA BLUES. 


FRANZ FERDINAND—THE ENDEARINGLY COCKSURE ROCK 
ERS FROM SCOTLAND SOUND OFF ABOUT SECTARIAN VIO- 
LENCE IN GLASGOW AND REVEAL THE HIDDEN BACKWARD 
MESSAGES IN THEIR RECORDS. 20Q BY TIM MOHR 


THE 25 SEXIEST CELEBRITIES—OUR CULTURE HAS BECOME 
OBSESSED WITH FAMOUS WOMEN. COME SEE WHY. 


THE PLAYBOY GAME ROOM—BECAUSE THE WORD PLAY IS 
IN OUR NAME AND INFORMS OUR LIFESTYLE, WE SEARCHED 
FOR AND FOUND THE COOLEST ARCADE MACHINE, THE BEST 
POOL TABLE, A CHESS SET MADE OF CAR PARTS AND OTHER 
NECESSITIES. CALL IT THE CHAMBER OF LEISURE. 


DRESS LIKE A PLAYER—MUSIC AND FASHION INFLUENCE 
EACH OTHER LIKE TWIN ORBITING PLANETS. WE LET QUEENS 
OF THE STONE AGE, THE SOUNDS, RAPPER TRU LIFE AND 
OTHERS CHOOSE HOT THREADS FOR A COOL FASHION SHOOT. 


PLUS: AN INTIMATE CHAT WITH COURTNEY RACHEL CULKIN, 
AND MISS MARCH, OFFICE FAVORITE MONICA LEIGH. 


Playboy (ISSN 0032-1478), February 2006, volume 53, number 2. Published monthly by Playboy in national and regional editions, Playboy, 680 

North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611. Periodicals postage paid at Chicago, Illinois and at additional mailing offices. Canada Post Cana- 

dian Publications Mail Sales Product Agreement No. 40035534. Subscriptions: in the U.S., $29.97 for 12 issues. Postmaster: Send address change to 
186 Playboy, PO. Box 2007, Harlan, Iowa 51537-4007. For subscription-related questions, call 800-999-4438, or e-mail circ@ny.playboycom. 


(BROT & Gana. 


)DFORD RESERVE 


LER’S SELECT 


HANDCRAFTED IN SMALL BATCHES, ом HAS ARRIVE: 


IDFORD RESERVE Bove» 


Enjoy your bourbon responsibly. 
Woodford Reserve Distiller's Select Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskey. 45.2% Alc. by Vol., The Woodford Reserve Distillery, Versailles, KY. 


f 
TNT) SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 19 Sw 


Tene Warner Company. Al Righe Resarved E2008 NBAE, Photo by Sam Foraneich and Rocky Widhar/NBAE Getty images. Schachind lo appear.