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"Rachel Sterling was very comfortable with taking off her 
clothes," says photographer Marco Glaviano. The veteran 
shutterbug joined the up-and-coming starlet for our sultry shoot 
Rachel 911. Sterling, a former Juggy Dancer, caught our eye 
in Reno 911! and Wedding Crashers. We expect big things 
from her five-foot-four frame. "It doesn't matter that she isn't 
tall, because she has great proportions," Glaviano says. “I also 
think her good personality, which is true beauty, projects in the 
photos." Glaviano's pictures have a quiet power. "With my fash- 
ion background, | bring a different approach than what's often 
used for glam shots in glossy magazines," he says. "We tried to 
make this shoot more stylish. By toning it down and making her 
the focal point, we made the pictures more alluring. The result 
strikes a perfect balance between fashionable and sexy." 


In To Baghdad and Back With Dick Cheney, James Rosen, a 
correspondert for Fox News and author of The Strong Man: 
John Mitchell, Nixon and Watergate, tells of his impromptu trip 
with other select journalists to the Middle East, where, along 
with serious matters of state, some unintentional comedy 
ensued. "This was demanding and stressful, but it had lighter 
moments,” Rosen says. "Once, on Cheney's plane, all his aides 
had fallen asleep, and he smiled for a picture behind a mass of 
agape mouths, as ifto say, ‘So much for my crack staff” 


Accompanying Joyce Carol 
Oates's Suicide Watch this month 
is some trashy art. “I walk around 
New York City and pick up pieces 
of paper off the street to incorpo- 
rate into my work," says creativo 
recycler Jordin Isip. "The piece 
is mixed-media—paint and col- 
lage. The college is made from 
garbage and scraps, with paint 
mixed in." Isip says growing up in 
thecity accustomed him to being 
attracted to things that colored 
his surrcundings, like garbage 
in alleys and fliers that had been 
run over. "I always liked the hues 
and textures that rubbish added 
to the street. Now | find a visceral 
energy in using сазной objects 
in a different context. There 15 
power in giving them a second 
chance through art.” 


Contributing a team-by-team 
analysis to our Baseball Preview 
is Tracy Ringolsby, who last year 
received the J.G. Taylor Spink 
Award for brilliant baseball writ- 
ing from the Hall of Fame. This 
season presents some ques- 
tions he's eager to see resolved. 
"The Cubs will be more of a cu- 
riosity than before because the 
Red Sox and White Sox ended 
their droughts," Ringolsby says. 
"This year they are in a position 
to take their division. Yes, the 
Lovable Losers are expected to 
win.” Ringolsby will also be glad 
to see the return of the big guy. 
“Bonds chasing Ruth and Aaron 
will remind us that he is truly one 
of the most dominant players in 
the history of the game." 


Nike co-founder Phil Knight pays homage to his college track 
coach with It's Not Just How Fast You Move Your Legs, the fore- 
word to Kenny Moore's biography Bowerman and the Men 
of Oregon. "I wrote this to bring attention to my mentor. If there 
had been по Bill Bowerman, there would be no Nike," Knight 
says. "He is legendary in the track world, but in general he is 
vastly underappreciated." Knight has hung up his CEO spikes 
and promises to pick up the pen again. “I am phasing out of 
Nike, so think | am going to put my future efforts into writing." 


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vol. 53, по. 5—may 2006 


PLAYBOY 


(е e im E eh es 
features 


52 


62 


68 


72 


TO BAGHDAD AND BACK WITH DICK CHENEY 

In December, on a trip conducted under extraordinary security, Vice President 
Dick Cheney visited Iraq, Oman, Afghanistan and Pakistan with a small! group of 
journalists. One of them, a Washington reporter for Fox News, takes us behind the 
scenes to reveal privileged glimpses of a volatile region and onto Air Force Two 
for some unscripted face time with America's number two. BY JAMES ROSEN 


PLAYBOY'S 2006 BASEBALL PREVIEW 

Last season was filled with jolts and surprises. How much unpredictability is 

in store for 2006? Factoring in a new champ, new faces and old faces in new 
places, writer Tracy Ringolsby conducts a team-by-team roundup. Plus, Bill 
James ruminates on luck, and we end the suspense with our annual predictions. 


IT'S NOT JUST HOW FAST YOU MOVE YOUR LEGS 

Nike's co-founder revisits his days on the college track team and recalls his 
relationship with Bill Bowerman, the legendary coach who, in the process 
of creating 19 Olympians, affected the lives of all his runners in weird and 
wonderful ways. BY PHIL KNIGHT 


AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT... 
Highlighting this year's crop of motorcycles are some totally out-of-the-box rides, 
among them the ultimate street fighter-hooligan bike-wheelie machine, the 
most powerful boxer twin engine ever and a bike that will make you wish you 
were a POW just so you could fly like Steve McQueen. BY JAMES R. PETERSEN 


fiction 


92 


SUICIDE WATCH 

A man visits a psych ward. His mission: to find out whether his troubled, 
deranged, addicted son could have murdered his own young child. A 
taut, dark tale from the National Book Award-winning author of Middle 
Age: A Romance, Blonde and Missing Mom. BY JOYCE CAROL OATES 


the playboy torum 


37 


UNKNOWN KNOWNS 

The hidden dangers in the war with Iraq are not WMDs but unknown knowns— 
the unspoken ideological assumptions our government holds that need to 

be recognized and addressed if the United States hopes to resolve this deadly 
conflict. BY SLAVOJ ZIZEK 


200 


106 


REBECCA ROMIJN 

The actress who uses her Mystique to paint the town blue for X-Men fans 
captivates us with stories about her Wet Dreams; her spicy new comedy series, 
Fepper Dennis; and her aversion to CGI nipples. BY DAVID HOCHMAN 


interview 


45 


OZZIE GUILLEN 

He led the Chicago White Sox to their first World Series title since 1917 and 
has а knack for unapologetically telling everyone exactly how it is. Now the 
controversial manager mouths off about critics of Ozzie Ball, why he leads 
the league in throwing players under the bus and what he thinks is the most 
unfair thing said about him. BY JASON BUHRMESTER 


COVER STORY 


We visited more than 250 colleges in the past. 
year to see which ones earned a good enough 
grade to make our party-schools honor roll. Any 
campus that featured lots of beautiful naked 
coeds demonstrated a high GPA—General 
Party Aptitude. Senior Contributing Photog- 
rapher Arny Freytag catches Miss May Alison 
Waite, from San Diego State University, for the 
cover. Our Rabbit waits on the waistline. 


PLAYBOY 


| contents continued | 


vol. 53, no. 5—may 2006 


continue 


pictorials 


56 


78 


108 


RACHEL 911 

Triple threat Rachel Sterling is 
an actress, dancer and model 
who pushes your panic button. 


PLAYMATE: 

ALISON WAITE 

Miss May may be Ms. Waite, 
but there's no reason for the 
rest of us to put off admiring 
this California beauty. 


PLAYBOY'S TOP TEN 
PARTY SCHOOLS 

For only the third time in our 
history we designate those schools 
whose students most successfully 
fight for their right to party. 


notes and news 


105 


147 


THE WORLD OF PLAYBOY 
Hef and his ladies have a ball 
with Ice Cube; the stars of Four 
Kings hit the Mansion. 


HEF'S HAPPY NEW YEAR 
Celebrities, Painted Ladies and 
a Mansion full of Playmates help 
Hef and the girls ring in 2006. 


CENTERFOLDS ON SEX: 
CARA ZAVALETA 

Razors, remote-control fireplaces 
and text messages have revolu- 
tionized the world of sex, says 
Miss November 2004. 


PLAYMATE NEWS 

Nicole Wood and Jennifer Walcott 
launch the latest Beauty Lounge; 
a new workout DVD from Miss 
April 1988 Eloise Broady Dejoria. 


departments 


PLAYBILL 
DEAR PLAYBOY 
AFTER HOURS 


31 
35 
90 
155 
151 
152 
154 


МАМТВАСК 

THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 
PARTY JOKES 

WHERE AND HOW TO BUY 
ON THE SCENE 
GRAPEVINE 

POTPOURRI 


fashion 


96 


102 


NINE STEPS TO 

BETTER FASHION 

With American sartorial substance 
suffering, we've tailored a nine- 
point program to save men's style. 
FASHION BY JOSEPH DE ACETIS 


SAVE FACE 
The essentials for your best 
grooming. BY JOSEPH DE ACETIS 


reviews 


23 


24 


25 


26 


28 


MOVIES 

Lost creator J.J. Abrams directs 

Tom Cruise in Mission: Impossi- 
ble 111; reexperience that sinking 
feeling onboard Poseidon. 


DVDS 

The risks pay off for director Ang 
Lee in Brokeback Mountain; two 
lesser-seen Laurel and Hardy 
classics debut on DVD. 


MUSIC 

Wayne Coyne of the Flaming Lips. 
gets mouthy; 10 of Merle Hag- 
gard's albums get rereleased. 


GAMES 
A five-way baseball pennant race; 
the return of Lara Croft. 


BOOKS 

Classic Q&A sessions with Holly- 
wood filmmakers; John Waters 
picks his top 10 film books. 


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HUGH M. HEFNER 


editor-in-chief 


CHRISTOPHER NAPOLITANO. 
editorial director 
STEPHEN RANDALL depuly editor 
TOM STAEBLER art director 
GARY COLE photography director 
LEOPOLD FROEHLICH execulive editor 
ROBERT LOVE edifor at large 
JAMIE MALANOWSKI managing editor 


EDITORIAL 
FEATURES: AJ. BAIME articles editor; АМУ GRACE LOYD literary editor FASHION: JOSEPH DE ACETIS 
director; JENNIFER RYAN JONES editor FORUM: CHIP ROWE senior editor MODERN LIVING: SCOTT 
ALEXANDER senior editor STAFF: ROBERT B. DE SALVO, TIMOTHY МОНЕ, JOSH ROBERTSON associate. 


editors; DAVID PFISTER assistant editor; HEATHER HAEBE senior edilorial assistant; VIVIAN COLON. 
ICHELLE URRY editor 


KENNY LULL editorial assistants; ROCKY RAKOVIC junior editor CARTOONS: 
COPY: WINIFRED ORMOND copy chief; CAMILLE CAUTI associate copy chief; ROBERT HORNING, PABLO 
MORALES, JAMIE REYNOLDS copy editors RESEARCH; DAVID COHEN research director; BRENDAN BARR 


Senior researcher; MATTHEW SHEFATIN associate senior researcher; A.P BRADBURY, BRENDAN CUMMIN 
ION: 


MICHAEL MATASSA, RON MOTTA researchers; MARK DURAN research librarian EDITORIAL PRODU: 
MATT DE Mazza assistant managing editor; VALERIE THOMAS manager; NEEVY НАРАВ associate READER 
SERVICE: MIKE OSTROWSKI correspondent CONTRIBUTING EDITORS: MARK BOAL (writer al large), 
KEVIN BUCKLEY, SIMON COOPER, GRETCHEN EDGREN, LAWRENCE GROBEL KEN GROSS, WARREN KALBACKER, 
ARTHUR KRETCHMER (AUTOMOTIVE), JONATHAN LITTMAN, JOE MORGENSTERN, JAMES R. PETERSEN, STEPHEN 
REBELLO, DAVID RENSIN, DAVID SHEFF, DAVID STEVENS, JOHN D. THOMAS, ALICE К. TURNER 


ART 
EN, CHET SUSKI, LEN WILLIS, ROB WILSON senior art directors; 


SCOTT ANDERSON, BRUCE НА! 
JF art assistant; JOANNA METZGER art assistant; 


PAUL CHAN S 
CORTEZ WELLS art services coordinator; MALINA LEE senior art administrator 


PHOTOGRAPHY 
MARILYN GRABOWSKI west coast editor; JIM LARSON managing editor; PATTY BEAUDET-FRANCES, 
KEVIN KUSTER, STEPHANIE MORRIS senior editors; MATT STEIGBIGEL associate editor; RENAY LARSON 


assistant edilor; ARNY FREYTAG, STEPHEN WAYDA senior contributing photographers; GEORGE GEORGIOU 
NISHINO, DAVID RAMS contributing 


staff photographer; RICHARD ГЛ, MIZUNO, BYRON NEWMAN, СЕ 


photographers; wu. мените studio manager—los angeles; BONNIE JEAN KENNY manager, photo library; 
E JOHNSON production coordinators 


KEVIN CRAIG manager, photo lab; PENNY EKKERT, КАХ 


LOUIS R. MOHN publisher 


ADVERTISING 
JONATHAN SCHWARTZ associate publisher; RON STERN new york manager; HELEN BIANCULLI direct 
response advertising director; MARIE FIRNENO advertising operations director NEW YORK: 
SHERI WARNKE Southeast manager; BRIAN GEORGI consumer electronics manager; MELISSA MEANY, 
TONY SARDINAS account managers; зам STAHL assistant account manager CHICAGO: WADE 
BAXTER midwest sales manager LOS ANGELES: PETE AUERBACH, COREY SPIEGEL west Coast managers 
DETROIT: stacey G Cross detroit manager SAN FRANCISCO: ED MEAGHER northwest manager 


MARKETING 
LISA NATALE associate publisher/marketing; CHRISTOPHER SHOOLIS research director; 
DONNA TAVOSO creative services director 


PRODUCTION 
GETO production manager; CINDY PONTARELLI, DEBBIE TILLOU associate 


MARIA MANDIS director; JODY JU! 
managers CHAR KROWCIYK, BARB TEKIELA assistant managers; BILL BENNAY, SIMMIE WILLIAMS prepress 


CIRCULATION 
LARRY A DJERF newsstand sales director; PAYLLIs ROTUNKO subscription circulation director 


ADMINISTRATIVE 
MARCIA TERRONES rights €2 permissions director 


INTERNATIONAL PUBLISHING 
вов O'DONNELL managing director; DAVID WALKER editorial director 


PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES INTERNATIONAL, INC. 
CHRISTIE HEFNER chairman, chief executive officer 
JAMES P RADTKE senior vice president and general manager 


ОЕ 


FROLICS AND NIGHTLIFE NOTES 


SWING SHIFT 

The night before they made a sold-out appearance at the Walt Dis- 
ney Concert Hall in Los Angeles, Grammy-winning vocal jazz quar- 
tet the Manhattan Transfer (below) entertained an intimate gathering 
of Hef's friends at the Playboy Mansion. 


WHAT UP, PLAYA? 

Resident Mansiontomboy and backcourt beauty Kendra Wilkinson 
(above), a.k.a. Hannibal of the Hardwood, helped coach celebrity 
ballers including Ice Cube and Snoop Dogg for Mark Wahlberg's 
charity throwdown after a Clippers game at L.A.'s Staples Center. 


GOLDEN GLOBES NIGHT AT THE MANSION 
There are parties, and then there are afterparties. Among the 
celebrities who kept the Golden Globes glowing at Hef's exclusive 
aprés-show event at the Mansion were a trio of stars from the NBC 
comedy Four Kings—Shane McRae, Todd Grinnell and Seth Green 
(below)—as well as NFL quarterback Jeff Garcia and his girlfriend, 
our own PMOY 2004 Carmella DeCesare (bottom right). 


LIVE FROM THE BUNNY BALL 
Talk show maverick Tom Leykis hosted the latest 
semiannual installment of his Bunny Ball, broad- 

casting a special edition of his radio show from the Mansion, 
featuring an interview with Hef and his girls (above). 


THE SECOND- 
HAPPIEST PLACE 
ON EARTH 

A lot of people would 
be thrilled to celebrate 
i their birthday atthe 
| Playboy Mansion, but 
Hef took main squeeze 
Holly Madison to Dis- 
neyland (left) for the 
day to double-date 
with another well- 
known couple. 


de! у | 


Hef, his girlfriends, the Centerfolds and their 
celebrity friends welcomed 2006 in signature 
Playboy style with an unforgettable black-tie-and- 
lingerie New Year's Eve bash at the Mansion. 
(1) Kendra, Bridget, Hef and Holly are ready to 
party. (2) Kato Kaelin, Jon Lovitz and Bill Maher, 
looking for action. (3) Pauly Shore with guests 
Melissa Ramsier and Colleen McCullough. 
(4) Adult-film legend Ron Jeremy with Miss 
December 1992 Barbara Moore. (5) Actor 
Steve Guttenberg and guest Shannon Miller. 
(6) Playmates Kara Monaco, Jillian Grace and 
a mischievous Amber Campisi show why 
2005 was a very good year, (7) Painted Ladies 
entertain Marines Joe Robert and John 
Reynolds. (8) Frankie Muniz with fiancée 
Jamie Gandy. (9) тлувоу cover girl Deborah 
Gibson with stage actor Christopher 
Youngsman. (10) A hug for the host from 
1994 PMOY actress Jenny McCarthy. (11) 
Silver-screen icons Anne Jeffreys, Terry 
Moore and Jane Russell, (12) NFL recciver 
Freddie Mitchell with actress Jill Terashita. 
(13) The Fantastic Four ring in the New Year. 


THERE'S HAVING А PLAN. 


AND THEN THERE'S FOUR GUYS, 
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ШН e a r 


EVERYONE LOVES AL 
Al Franken, a senator from Minne- 
sota? (The Playboy Interview, February). 
"That's the first thing he has ever said 
that made me laugh. 
David Rosenfield 
Mundelein, Illinois 


Say good night, Al. You represent a 

morally bankrupt and dying ideology. 
Eric Bailey 

Olympia, Washington 


Franken doesn't realize he is as wacko 
left as Sean Hannity is wacko right. 
Michael Stevens 
Dayton, Ohio 


Franken and his extreme left-wing 
sheep have no platform besides hating 
the current administration. 

Тот Grace 
Aurora, Colorado 


Instead of conducting an interview 
about Rush Limbaugh, why not just 
interview Rush? 

Logan Pribbeno 
Santa Barbara, California 


Franken rubs readers the wrong way. 


Why do you continue to ask celeb- 
rities about politics? A beauty-pageant 
contestant could give better answers. 

Eugene Fullerton 
Sanford, Michigan 


Hereare two questions I'd like to ask 
Franken: (1) If Air America is so vital, 
why did one of its founders need to 
borrow $875,000 from a Boys & Girls 
Club in the Bronx to keep it afloat? 
(2) Talk radio thrives because listen- 


2 || @ 


у b O, 


ers can provide instant feedback. Why 
don't you take any calls? 
Kent Lucas 
Austin, Texas 


jon Stewart is funny. Al Franken 
needs anger management. 
Clay Sills 
Atlanta, Georgia 


THE BATTLE OVER SEX.COM 

Despite its iconic status, Sex.com 
has never clearly proved to be the 
gold mine Gary Kremen thought it 
would be when he wrestled it back 
from Steve Cohen (The Taking of Sex 
„сот, February). Internet users аге 
more sophisticated now, and there's 
much more compctition, even for the 
kind of type-in traffic that initially 
made Sex.com so lucrative. The real 
story of the domain lies not in its Wild 
West roots or its El Dorado mythology 
but in its success as a back-end pro- 
vider of adult searches for many of the 
largest mainstream engines, one of 
many such collaborations between big 
business and the adult industry. Cable 
and phone companies, hotel chains, 
DVD rental stores and search engines 
are all quietly banking profits from 
porn. Kremen recently sold Sex.com 
to Escom LLC, a group of anonymous 
buyers based in Boston, for $12 mil- 
lion to $14 ion. He will surely not 
be the last owner of an adult business 
tocash in on his relationships with main- 
stream companies. 

Frederick Lane 
Burlington, Vermont 

Lane, an attorney, is the author of Obscene 

Profits and the forthcoming Decency Wars. 


SLURPIES 

Oyster Cult by A.J. Baime (Febru- 
ary) fails to mention the oysters of the 
Gulf Coast. They are produced and 
consumed more than oysters from any 
other region, and they are without 
peer. Pacific Coast oysters are gener- 
ally too large to be palatable, espe- 
cially for eating on the half shell. Also, 
Baime's cocktail-sauce recipe lacks a 
prime ingredient—lemon juice—and 
the amount of horseradish is insuffi- 
cient by about a factor of three. Baime 
needs to visit Black's in Abbeville, 
Louisiana to learn what oysters are 
all about. 

Jerry Patton 
Grand Prairie, Texas 

Ваіте responds: "Jerry, ГИ meet you 

there. But you're buying." 


SUGAR AND SPICE 
Your pictorial with Adrianne Curry 


(A Taste of Curry, February) is fantas- 
tic. Keep showing us hot, all-natural 
women. That's two issues in a row I've 
been able to compliment you for that. 
Omar Siddique 
Ellicott City, Maryland 


What a beauty. And judging from 
your interview with her, what an ego. 
Marc Robinson 
Los Angeles, California 


AL 
FRANKEN 
SENATOR | 
Was. A NWRAPPED | 
| 
\ WOMEN 


SBANDAL ` 


BARNEY 
FRANK 
N 


Adrianne Curry is an affair to remember. 


Adrianne's personality and photos 
both sizzle. You can't help but stare. 
Meagan Stutsman 
Reno, Nevada 


MUSCLE MANIA 
Тат surprised Charles M. Young 
found it necessary to boast that he is 
fourinches taller than Arnold Schwarz- 
enegger and suggest that this makes 
the Austrian Oak a “girlie man” (The 
Big Shou, February). You can't control 
your height. That's genetics. You can, 
however. through discipline and hard. 
work, control your physique. What's 
more manly than that? 
‘Troy Saulnier 
Tampa, Florida 


HONEST POLITICS 
The No-Bullshit Caucus by Jeff Green- 
field (February) is a fabulous article. 
It's been so cold in the hinterland since 
Senator Paul Wellstone left us. Would 
he have made the list if he were still 
around? He sure made mine. 
Heather Cronin Ott 
St. Paul, Minnesota. 


Senators Russ Feingold and John 
McCain can hardly be feted as no- 
bullshit leaders when their legacy is 


INSTANT ACCESS 


ZOOM IN 


QUICK LINKS 


Just go to 
www.playboydigital.com 


a reform act that hasn't done a damn 
thing about the tainted system of cam- 
paign financing. 
"Thomas Atkinson 
Honesdale, Pennsylvania 


Тһе only true no-bullshit congress- 
man 1 know of is Ron Paul of Texas. Не 
votes and speaks clearly on the issues. 

Len Flynn 
Morganville, New Jersey 


CHALLENGE US, PLEASE 
My father has subscribed to your 
magazine for longer than 1 can remem- 
ber. Finding the Rabbit Head on the 
cover has always been a game for us. 
Butlately it has been too easy. Can you 
hide him a little better? 
Kristi Madigan 
Sault Ste. Marie, Michigan 


COLLEGE VOICES 
As a doctoral student and university 
instructor, I am more dismayed by the 
letters in January in response to Ear- 
nest Goes 10 College than 1 was by the 
article in October. In its own way, each 
letter supports the assumption that 
partying is an integral element of the 
college experience. Many also imply 
that the primary function of a liberal- 
arts education is to impart "skills" chat 
are "useful" for advancement in a cap- 
italist technobureaucratic society. The 
problem with American students is not 
that they can't get laid or don't have 
time to get loaded—they have little 
trouble achieving these things. It's that 
most have lost a thirst for knowledge, 
a desire to live a fulfilling mental life, 
which is at the heart of the Western 
university tradition. Students seem to 
have forgotten the capacity of higher. 
education to transform the way they 

inhabit the world 

Adam Pound 

Columbia, South Carolina 


FAN MAIL 
Your January issue is a literary 
bonanza. rıaysoy’s contribution to the 
written word is the number one reason 
1 subscribe. The number two reason is 
pretty fantastic too. 
Tim Egan 
Chicago, Illinois 


Your February issue is one of the 
best you've published. I am a 63-year- 
old grandmother who has been a long- 
time subscriber and will continue to be. 
Keep up the good work. 

Mary Ann Matthews 
New York, New York 


І purchased a subscription to PLAYBOY 
as a wedding gift for my husband. We 
leave it in the bathroom and write 
notes to each other in the margins or 


comments about the cartoons. I would 
say to anyone that the secret to a good 
marriage is sharing PLAYROY 
Maranda Daniels 
Lewisburg, West Virginia 
PS. I love The Girls Next Door, but come 
on, Hef, lighten up with the curfew. 


My unit returned from Afghanistan 
three days ago, and a beautiful photo 
of Playmate Amanda Paige was waiting 
for me in the mail. I want to thank her 
and Holly Madison for taking time to 
make this Marine smile from ear to ear. 
And thank you, рілувоу, for looking 
out for the military. Getting mail like 
this means more than you know. 

Sgt. Rob Owens 


Kailua, Hawaii 


LIVER SPOT THE BUNNY 

1 want to share an incident that 
occurred with a 35-year-old patient of 
ours who works as a nightclub waitress. 
She came to the hospital complaining 
of shortness of breath and abdominal 
pain. After our initial tests showed 
normal readings, Dr. Marco Cei and I 
ordered an ultrasound scan of her liver. 
It showed a familiar image caused by 
the confluence of the middle and right 
hepatic veins. Based on our review 


You know it was a great party when... 


of the literature, this is the first time 
the Rabbit Head has ever shown up 
in a liver scan. We could find nothing 
wrong with the patient and discharged 
her with a diagnosis of anxiety. 
Dr. Nicola Mumoli 
Livorno Hospital 
Livorno, Italy 


EXPERIENCE WANTED 
I have started creating custom careers 
for my Sims 2 game. Since I love PLAYEOY 
so much, I would like to create a career 
at the magazine for my Sims. What levels 
are there? For example, does a photog- 
rapher start as somebody who rubs oil 
on the girls, then work his way up? 
Tasia Wehlage 
Madison, Kansas 
That's actually the top job. 


E-mail via the web at LETTERS.PLAYBOY.COM Or write: 730 FIFTH AVENUE, NEW YORK, NEW YORK 10019 


«ОА» 


THE GAMEKILLERS 


There are people out there whose sole mission in life is to cause you to 


blow your cool and lose the girl. They are, The Gamekillers. 


THE MESS 


He'll take you away from your girl and into the gutter. 


When you're with a girl, he's the last guy you want 
to see. Some of his favorite дате па pastimes 
include fort lighting, throwing lawn furniture into 
the pool, and bringing up the time you spent $300 
at а second-tier strip club. While these are perfectly 
acceptoble "guy" activities, lo а girl, they can make 
you come olf as а buffoon, The Axe Dry wearer 
keeps his cool ond picks the right place and time 
lo engage The Mess and his mony misadventures 
Sure, he's an old friend. But he's also a loose cannon 


pointing right at your game. 


Keep Your Cool. Axe Dry. 


Learn more at gamekillers.com 


©2006 UNILEVER 


Babe of the Month 


Bonnie-Jill 
Laflin 


Talk to Bonnie-Jill Laflin for five 
minutes and you realize this 
woman #5 America: America the 
boobyful, where the Budweisers 
foam and the skies are not cloudy 
on game day. She started as a 
cheerleader, at one point fill- 
ing star-spangled hot pants for 
the Dallas Cowboys—America's 
team—and later hit Los Angeles 
Annie Oakley-style in cowboy 
boots, miniskirt and Stetson. It 
was the 1990s, and the look was 
square. "People would say to 
me, 'Country music? How can 
you listen to thaf?*” she recalls. 
But Bonnie-Jill is one of those 
country-lovin' cowgirls who grew 
up barrel racing at rodeos and 
owns racehorses (with the yee- 
haw fabulous names Dancin’ 
Deputy and Lil’ Miss Hollywood). 
She's a freak for apple-pie Amer- 
ican sports: football, baseball 
and basketball (not hockey, eh; 
not soccer, mate). She's been a 
correspondent for Sporting News 
Radio and ESPN2's Cold Pizza, 
and she now covers the Lakers 
for local L.A. TV. “A guy doesn't 
have to be an athlete to go out 
with те," she says, “but he does 
have to like sports.” This brings 
us to her other TV gig, Hotlines, 
a show about girls fishing in 
skimpy swimwear. There may 
be nothing more American than 
a girl in a bikini, dropping а 
line over the stern—Washing- 
ton crossing the Delaware could 
have used Bonnie-Jill with a 
rod. And you know she would 
have been there for old GW; as. 
we talk, she's packing for a 
USO tour in Iraq and Afghan- 
istan. Bonnie-Jill is America. 
God shed his grace. 


"A guy 
doesn't 
have to 

be an 
athlete, 
but he 
does have 
to like 
sports." 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY BRIE CHILDERS 


[afterhours 


Employee of the Month 


Grin and Bare "Ет 
ORTHODONTIC COORDINATOR JENNIFER 
HARRISON SHOWS US HER PEARLIES 


PLAYBOY: What line of work are you in? 

JENNIFER: | am an orthodontic treatment coordinator. | help 
patients develop a plan for fixing their teeth. 

PLAYBOY: We noticed that you have a fairly perfect smile. 
JENNIFER: Thank you. Because kids are normally less than 
thrilled about getting braces, their parents will often point out 
my teeth to show them the results. 

PLAYBOY: Results? So you were once a brace face? 

JENNIFER: | was 12 and rebellious. | chewed gum to break my 
braces. They took them off early because | wouldn't comply. 
PLAYBOY: Do ycu have any other features you like to show off? 
JENNIFER: Yes. | have very nice breasts, which | try to accentuate. 
PLAYBOY: Is your body an issue when you're with a patient? 
JENNIFER: It can be. When patients come in for their initial 
consultation, | take what we call intraoral photos. | have to 
get extremely close to the patient's face with the camera, and 
sometimes I'll straddle him. It's been brought to my attention 
that sometimes that's too intimate, and | wetch for it now. 
PLAYBOY: Do male patients bother you with cheesy lines? 
JENNIFER: Well, I'm in their mouth all day long—and | guess 
that's better than the other way around—so they don't have а 
lot to say. At least not a lot | can understand. 

Employee of the Month candidates: Send pictures to Playboy Photography Department, Attn 
Employee of the Month, 680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611. Must be al least 


18 years old. Must send photocopies of a driver's license and another valid ID (not а credit саға), 
one of which must include a current photo. 


PONY UP WITH 
A DIFFERENT 
RACE-DAY DRINK 


You're aware of the sup- 
posed “must” Kentucky 
Derby drink. It rhymes 
with “squint tulip,” takes 
a week to make properly 
and doesn’t taste all that 
good. Our friends in Louis- 
ville assure us that out-of- 
towners just love it. Here's 
an old alternative that 
you'll actually enjoy drink- 
ingand that was invented 
somewhere near Churchill 
Downs. (The m. |. 
was born in either Virginia 
or Georgia—discuss.) We 
stress the shaking; И it's 
not foamy, cloudy and a 
little nasty-looking, you're 
not doing it right. 


1% ounces fine whiskey Combine ingredients in cock- 
5 dashes lemon juice tail shaker and shake well with 
1 teaspoon powdered crushed ice. Strain into small 

sugar (8-ounce) highball glass. Top 
1 whole egg off with club soda while shout- 


3 dashes curacao ing, “Run, you fleabag, run!" 


“A stunning upset. A 100-pound rookie, Sonya Thomas, has 
edged out the top-ranked American eater, the 409-pound 
Edward ‘Cookie’ Jarvis. The final count reveals a photo fin- 
ish. While Jarvis has consumed seven and a half pounds 
of Thanksgiving meal (featuring turducken, green beans. 
cranberry seuce end yams), Sonya has eaten seven and 
three quarters. Cookie maintains his number-one rank- 
ing, but Sonya takeover feels imminent. The transition is 
so radical that it defies sports analogies. It's as if Michael 
Jordan's NBA scoring title was usurped not by Kobe Bryant 
but by a five-foot-two-inch female point guard. It's as if a 
one-armed amputee edged out Tiger Woods for a major 
PGA title. It is, in a word, unthinkable” 

—a pivotal moment in the rise of Sonya "Black Widow" 
Thomas, from Eat This Book: A Year of Gorging and Glory 
on the Competitive Eating Circuit, by Ryan Nerz 


Not Particularly American Idle 


THINK YOU KNOW YOUR PYTHON? THINK AGAIN, GOOD 
SIR KNIGHT. ERIC IDLE ANSWERS (SORT OF) 15 BURNING 
QUESTIONS NOBODY HAS EVER BOTHERED TO ASK 


Why did Terry Jones play the organ naked? He can't play clothed. Why have 
two Terrys in the group? They were cheaper as a set. If Carol Cleveland was 
the "seventh Python," who was the eighth? Margaret Thatcher. Cleveland 
was a bit of all right, wasn't she? If you like that kind of thing. Any truth to 
the rumor that John Cleese was the tallest, in height, of the group? None 
at all. John is in fact two shorter people stacked up. Who wrote “The Lum- 
berjack Song"? Pierre Trudeau. Who wrote "The Long and Winding Road"? 
Ringo. Who least expected the Spanish Inquisition? Martin Luther. Why 
aren't the French funny? Because of Napoléon. Think of a question about 
Monty Python you'd rather not answer; what's the answer to that question? 
Piss off. Which is better, moose or llamas? Intellectually, moose have it 
over llamas every time. How many sketches were written by llamas? Three. 
Does Cleese still silly-walk? Yes, but nowadays he must use a silly walker. 
How was the hovercraft-eels gag received in Hungary? It has a national 
holiday all to itself. Whatever happened to Monty? Monty is a confirmed 
bachelor. He never married, but he took an interest in boys' clubs, sailors" 
organizations, Broadway choruses and all-male English comedy groups. 
There was no stray young man on the streets whom he wouldn't invite 
into his home and even his own bed. He wes that caring. 


In an apparent coincidence, Monty Python's latest rehash, the Personal 
Best series, is now available on DVD at pbs.org. Nudge, nudge. 


Get Wood 


For furniture designer Mario Philip- 
pona, function follows female 
form. His creations include (clock- 
wise from top right) Boobycase, 
Trio, Wine on Heels and Pame-la. 
Regarding the last, Philippona 
explains at sexyfurniture.nl, "The 
drawer opens through а spring-lock 
button in the vagina." Buff gently. 


“Fucking Bill Clinton? Well, I guess I'll have to stand in line. I’m hardly the 
only one who finds him sexy. Even after open-heart surgery, he has more 
life force than most men of any age. Life force is the ultimate sex appeal... | 
wonder if I'm trashy enough for him, but I can dream, can't I 

—Erica Jong, in her memoir Seducing the Dem 


: Writing for My Life 


The Sure Thing? 


REAP FAVORABLE RETURNS WHEN 
THE FAVORITES HIT THE ROAD 


Veteran baseball wagerers study pitching 
matchups and batting averages, but there's 
an easier way to profit from America's 
game: Always bet on a home underdog. At 
least that's the theory handicapper Mike 
Lee put forth 25 years ago, in the now out- 
of-print book Betting the Bases. A typical 
baseball betting line will list a favorite as 
-125 and an underdog as +145. A winning 
$10 bet on the favorite will return $18; 
a winning $10 bet on the dog will return 
$24.50. Home dogs lose more than they 
win, but their higher payoffs make them 
profitable. Over two seasons, counting only 
games played through August (divisional 
leaders become prohibitive favorites as the 
pennant races tighten up), Lee found that PETER HOEY 
home dogs won 48.2 percent of the time, 

for an overall profit of 7.3 percent. A survey of the 2002, 2003 and 2004 seasons shows 
that the angle still works, with a lower win (44.7 percent) but higher profit (7.5 percent) 
rate. The return can be downright handsome if you follow this strategy: Bet a fixed amount 
of your bankroll (say, three percent) on every play, so your winnings increase as your wallet 
thickens. (PLAYBOY takes no responsibility for what you do with this information.) 


В SS 
FASHION & FOOTWEAR COLLECTION 


Java Disabled 


| ғә Percentage of workers 
У who said they would rath- 
imm er give up their morning 
coffee than the ability to browse non- 
work-related Internet sites while at 
the office, according to Tirne. 


sloppy ( 


PP) 
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. 


Mindless 
Entertainment 


А study of the most popular Ameri- 
сап TV soap operas from the past 10 | You аге 10 times more 
years found that 64 of the characters likely to be bitten by an- 
on them had fallen into a coma. other human than by a rat. 


ok of Pointless Records | 


j Doubt Most Cherry Stems 


| 7 state constitutions Knotted With the 
Z =£ x | or statements of citi- | Tongue in an Hour 


zens' rights limit or 


| denytherightofathe- | C) 7] y the lingually dextrous А! 
ists and agnostics to | < "b L Gliniecki of Gulf Breeze, Flor- 
It's fantasy time. Pick your hottest hookup: hold public office. In | ida. He also holds the record for the fast- 
Cheerleader 42% Stewardess 12% SX МА С, Seo | ШУ plone stem 2-n/seconds. 
Nurse 20% Woman cop 1096 TN and PA, you just 
French maid 15% — Female Klingon 1% || ge believe E | 
pr — giis ||| -— 
] 


Clocking Out 
Kenneth Marsh was jailed for 


nearly 21 years in California 
until his second-degree- 


1 in every 20 murder charge was over- 
American men turned. The state decided 
is a "chubby to compensate him $100 
chaser,” says for every day he had been 
Katie Arons, incarcerated, which totaled 
author of Sexy $756,900— California's 
at Any Size. largest award to date. 


was paid at auction 
for a $20 bill that had 
been printed over a 
Del Monte sticker. It is Arms and а Leo 
unknown how the bill | ATMS and a Lej 

was mistakenly minted According to the United States Nuclear 
in 1996 at a Treasury Weapons Cost Study Project, the U.S. 
Department facility in | spent $3.9 trillion on nuclear weapons іп 
Fort Worth, Texas. the 50 years that followed Hiroshima. 


‘OTS рај и миту ambo jo офешаредахе NOITNOSH ОП OO 3SOF pue ANANO звог “Uca 08] од a ЭУ SLOP түлі, juna фишер ay) Шо) ашал! opua muy Ed раци 90020 


SAME 
THRILLS. 
DIFFERENT 
GLASS. | 


Just because you're ready to give up your shot glass- = y 
es doesn't mean you have to put your nightlife to bed. -— 
Introducing new Cuervo Black — a signature blend of 
oak-aged tequila that has a smoother, more mature 
taste, making it the perfect tequila to enjoy on the 
rocks or with cola. Appreciate it slowly and hold on to 
your night. 


DON'T LET АДАШ ТД 


visit cuervo.com Drink responsibly. 


62006 R.J. REYNOLDS TOBACCO CO. 

WIDES LIGHTS: 12 mg. “tar”, 1.0 tine, WIDES FILTERS: 17 mg. “tar”. 13 mg. IS Bus 
mg. tar, mg. nicotine, mg. tar. : 

nicotine, ау. per cigarette by ЕТС method. Actual amount may vary depending on how Smoke Contains Carbon Monoxide. 

you smoke. For T&N info, visit www.rirttarnic.com. 


ER W 5 


MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE Ш 


Tom Cruise gets some help from TV's hippest talent 


In Mission: Impossible III Tom Cruise dodges missiles fired 
from a chopper, narrowly avoids being squashed on a bridge 
by a flaming airborne car, plummets down the facade of a 
glass highrise and hangs on to the side of a speeding vehi 
cle. Although the newest installment of the hit franchise goes 
full throttle with edge-of-your-seat pyrotechnics, first-time 
feature director J.J. Abrams—creator of TV phenoms Lost, 
Alias and Felicity—insists it also goes full throttle on emo- 
tion. This is a good thing, considering the missteps of the 
first two Missions and also considering that Cruise's on- 
screen nemeses and helpmates (we'd tell you who's who, but 
then producer and star Cruise would have to kill us) include 
such strong actors as Philip 

Seymour Hoffman, Billy Crudup, "IPs funnier and 
Jonathan Rhys Meyers, Lau- z 

rence Fishburne, Keri Russell. MOTE emotional 
and Michelle Monaghan. Says 

Abrams, “There’s no question than you may 
this has a different tone than its expect. 
predecessors. It's a lot funnier, 

scarier and more emotional than you may expect.” Asked if 
he got along with the prickly Cruise, Abrams says, “Because 
Tomis not only maybe the world's biggest movie star but also 
the producer, | thought, This is a recipe for disaster. But he 
was the most focused, dedicated, intelligent, deferential, 
easygoing, crew-conscious actor-producer imaginable. For my 
first film, that was the gift of a lifetime." —Stephen Rebello 


BUZZ 


American Dreamz 

G D т This 
sledgehammer comedy casts Quaid as a clueless U.S. president 
who becomes unhinged after reading newspapers for the first 
time in four years. Dafoe plays the conniving chief of staff who 
books him as a judge оп an American Idol-style TV show. 


Our call: Over-the-top per- 
formances and the inventive 
humor of writer-director Paul 
Weitz (About a Boy) mean fans 
of more subtle comedy may 
want to seek laughs elsewhere. 


Scary Movie 4 

gina H. п Electra) The 
three-year wait since Scary Movie 3 must have been hell on 
fans of this franchise's mix of raucous sex, tasteless jokes, 
cameos and spoofs, this time including the likes of The Grudge, 
War of the Worlds, The Village and Saw. 


Our call: The opening scene, 
featuring Hef’s own Holly, 
Bridget and Kendra in a cameo 
with Charlie Sheen, is the best. 
Of course we've been known to 
play favorites. 


The Notorious Bettie Page 

Pinup model and 
19505 sex star Bettie Page finally gets the bio movie she 
deserves. Mol plays the sweet, naive Southern girl whose 
bondage-and-discipline cavorting for the cameras made her a 
fetish icon and the target of a laughable Senate investigation. 


Our call: Even in this wafer- 
thin, candy-colored telling 
of Page's life, Mol's alluring, 
smart performance takes her to 
a whole new level of stardom. 
Let the great roles begin. 


Poseidon 


Heavy emoting and brawny action sequences mark director 
Wolfgang Petersen's redo of the hammy 1972 disaster flick, in 
which passengers of a capsized luxury liner try to overcome the 
ever-rising water level to save themselves from doom. 


Our call: The movie-star wattage 
is dialed down and the special- 
effects quotient is cranked up, 
but with Petersen at the helm 
you won't miss original stars Red 
Buttons and Shelley Winters. 


23 


24 


reviews 


dvds 


BROKEBACK 


MOUNTAIN 


The award-winning critical favorite proves its worth on DVD 


After a truckload of awards and sundry snickering about "the gay cowboy movie,” it 
may be impossible to watch Brokeback Mountain with an open mind. But try, because 
director Ang Lee's tale of two manly men who fall painfully in love is a landmark film, 
even if it is at heart a downbeat chick flick. Consider the arc: One summer night, 


sheep tenders Ennis and Jack (Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal)—liquored up, lone- 


some and cold—get more 
than cozy. They dismiss it the 
next day as a one-shot thing, 
part ways and later marry 
women and have children, only 
10 reconnect for same-time- 
next-year hookups as their 
unsatisfying marriages crum- 
ble. As he did in The Ice Storm, 
Lee probes the tragedy of liv- 
ing a lie and affords all the 
actors enough space to bring 
substance to the melodrama. 
Extras: Featurettes on the 
actors' cowboy training and 
Larry McMurtry and Diana 
Ossana's collaboration on the 
screenplay. ¥¥¥/2 —Greg Fagan 


ЕЕ 


AMERICAN DAD! VOLUME 1 (2005) 
Comedy genius Seth MacFarlane delivers 
this weirdly twisted political satire you 
could call Family Guy lite. This time the 
alpha boob is gun-toting CIA agent Stan 
Smith, protecting suburbia from terrorism 
with his wife, granola-crunching daughter, 
hapless son, a needy femme alien and a 
horny German-speaking goldfish. The 
debut season exposes the Smith family's 
surreal home life, highlighted by an 
obsessive patriot 
father ever vigi- 
lant of terrorists, 
gays and liberals. 
Extras: Com- 
mentaries and 
deleted scenes. 
yyy —Kenny Lull 


KING KONG (2005) Director Peter Jack- 
son's awe-inspiring dream project over- 
doses on splashy digital effects. But Naomi 
Watts's fantastic heartfelt performance 
imbues the relationship between beauty 
and behemoth beast with moving love, 
which makes Kong's inevitable demise 
even more tragic 
in this remake. 
Extras: The two- 
disc special edi- 
tion includes 35 
postproduction 
featurettes. yy 

— Bryan Reesman 


TCM ARCHIVES: THE LAUREL AND 
HARDY COLLECTION Arguably Hollywood's 
most beloved bunglers, Stan Laurel and 
Oliver Hardy transitioned from silents to talk- 
ies to make more than 100 movies togeth- 
er. Happily, two cf their lesser-seen classics 
have been restored for this new set. In the 
operatic romp The Devil's Brother (1933), 
the twosome gets mixed up with a bandit 
terrorizing the Italian countryside. In Bonnie 
Scotland (1935), bedlam ensues when the 
pair joins the British army in India, starts a 
fire while cooking fish and knocks over the 


locals' beehives. It's Depression-era slap- 
stick that deserves a closer look. Extras: 
A Chevy Chase-narrated сеу 
highlighting L&H — 

and other stars of 
the era; the only 
surviving footage 
from their lost 
film The Rogue 
Song. ¥¥¥ 
—Stacie Hougland 


MATCH POINT (2005) Woody Allen's best 
film in years is also his least idiosyncratic. 
With the neurotic chatter toned down, we 
get luscious Scarlett Johansson as the 
other woman of randy lower-class Irishman 
Jonathan Rhys Meyers, who's trying to 
keep his foot in the door of the British 
upper class Бу _ 

marrying a cap- 3 
tain of industry's В SS 
daughter. Extras: | 4... 


Typical of Allen's б Wa 


discs, this is bare- 
bones. ¥¥¥ 
—Matt Steigbigel 
SYRIANA (2005) Big government and 
big oil collude to keep the U.S. economy 
going at any cost in this weighty thriller. 
‘The standout actors (Matt Damon, George 
Clooney and Jeffrey Wright) each struggle 
with moral crises as their characters’ lives 
intersect. Director Stephen Gaghan pres- 
ents parallel stories that speed toward 
an indefinite conclusion you'll be thinking 
about long after __ = 
T 
ua 


the credits roll. 
Extras: A Clooney 
interview; “Make a 
Change, Make a 
Difference” fea- 
turette. ууу 
—Buzz McClain 


Since expertly faking an orgasm 
in 1989's When Harry Met Sally, 
Meg Ryan has evolved into the. 
patron saint of romantic pap. She 
rehashed her girl-next-door per- 
sona with films like 1.0. (1994), 
French Kiss (1995) and You've 
Got Mail (1998). But after her 
home-wrecking tryst with Russell 
Crowe during Proof of Life (2000), 
the wholesome image of Ameri- 
ca's cupcake began to crumble. 
Ryan seemed game for more ris- 
qué roles, like the libidinous 
schoolteacher of In the Cut(2003, 
pictured). This month she returns. 
to familiar ground with the offbeat 
comedy In the Land of Women. 


ANNOUNCING 
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THE NEW JUST FOR MEN? 


reviews music 


THE FLAMING LIPS 


The Lips return. Wayne Coyne talks about Santa 


A new LP means a tour. What makes a great show? 
A: To me it's not worth leaving the house to watch some 
grown men play their guitars. | want the audience and the 
band to drift off together into the extraordinary. It's not 
that different from being at a football game and having 
your team win on e last-second touchdown. 

: Is the audience part of your calculation? 

Always. | see bands wasting six hours perfecting their 
monitor mix. We'd rather have space for guys in giant sun 
costumes than put monitors there. I've never had anybody 
from the audience come up to me after a show and say, 
"Your monitors sounded great." But virtually every night 
that we send those sun costumes and naked women out 
there, someone will come up and say, "Aw, man, that was 
the greatest thing—the guy in the sun costume was going 
crazy, and this wornan had big boobs, and she was acting 
like she was fucking Jesus Christ!” That's rock and roll. 

What's with the white suit? 

A: | like that when I'm in an elevator, people say, "You 
look just like | thought you would." And | know what they 
mean. When | meet people like Paul McCartney and they 
don't look like they should, it takes away from running into 
them. If Santa Claus came down the chimney in a fucking 
jogging suit, you wouldn't even know it was him. 

9: Aren't you supposed to prance around in ripped jeans? 

By the time people began to recognize me at all, I'd 
already gone for being an adult. | wasn't trying to look as if 
I were still 22. But some people get caught up in that. We 
were just in Brazil with Sonic Youth. | swear Lee Ranaldo 
was wearing the same shoes he had on when he stayed at 
my house 18 years ago. | didn't say anything, but | knew. 


MORRISSEY 

Ringleader of the Tormentors 

Moz has finally achieved over an entire 
LP the perfect balance between his 
maudlin crooning and rollicking gui- 
tars—the same balance that made the 
Smiths so great. It's one classic song 
after another on the best solo album of 
his career. (Attack) ¥¥¥¥ Tim Mohr 


YEAH YEAH YEAHS 

Show Your Bones 

Sexyis not a word often associated with 
selfconsciously arty postpunk bands. 
But when Karen O coos and wails, your 
spine tingles. The band's jagged guitar 
edges are somewhat tempered here, 
but new depth and complexity just add 
to the thrill. (Interscope) ҰҰҰҰ — —TM. 


URSULA 1000 > Here Comes Tomorrow 
Ursula has DJ residencies at some of 
NYC's slickest lounges. No wonder his 
signature kitsch-hop sound is perfect 
for cocktails. Here he expands his 
palette beyond bongos, brass and 
breakbeats, adding Prince-like funk, 
glam and even hookah-friendly sitars 
and Arabian wails. (ESL) yvy — —T.M. 


MERLE HAGGARD + 1965-1971 Reissues 

For country musicians, crossover credibility is unpredictable. 
Johnny Cash and Willie Nelson are deified, George Jones is 2 
hipster pick, but Haggard, a giant, doesn't get the recognition 
he deserves. Maybe he is still paying for the antihippie defiance 
of 1969's “Okie From Muskogee.” Maybe it's because he never 
made concessions to rock and roll—or to anything else, for 
that matter. Alt-country makes a living by rejecting Nashville's 
present commercialism and paying lip service to old-timers, 
even while alt-country music bears as little resemblance to 
honky-tonk as the Yard- 
birds did to Howlin’ 
Wolf. Fortunately it has 
gotten a lot easier to 
listen to genuine C&W 
with Capitol Nashville's 
recent rerelease of 10 
Haggard albums on 
five CDs. These early 
Classics are as good 
as real outlaw music 
gets. What impresses 
most are the lyrics: 
Like Johnny Cash, Hag- 
gard is always on the 
side of the downtrod- 
den. These are the real 
thing, works of pure 
American genius. 


25 


reviews 


games 


COVERING THE BASES 


As virtual baseball season opens, five titles battle for the pixelated pennant. Which is right for you? 


An eye-popping presentation and intuitive pitching 
interface get 2K Sports' Major League Baseball 
2K6 (GameCube, PS2, Xbox, Xbox 360) outto an 
early lead, but the joystick-based batting controls 
pick up an error. They're a brazen knockoff of 
those found in the excellent rookie effort MVP 06 
NCAA Baseball (Р52, Xbox) from Electronic Arts 
(which received three stars in our March issue). 
| If you're after pure realism, the deep manage- 
ment mode in Sony's MLB '06: The Show (PS2) 
makes that game a hot ticket. Too bad it's out on 
only one console. Of course, slavish realism can * 
be its own curse; a complicated interface has 
ruined many a day at the park. The simplest pick- 
up-and-play you'll find is on the candy-colored 
fields of Mario Superstar Baseball (GameCube). 
Don't worry—the clerk will put it in a plain brown 
wrapper for you. Finally, Midway couldn't get us 
a playable version of its upcoming MLB SlugFest 
2006 (PS2, Xbox) in time for this piece, but past 
experience tells us to expect slapstick commen- 
tery and brutal beanings. Take our advice and 
aim for the head. —Adam Rosen 


49 


26 


TOMB RAIDER: LEGEND (РС, PS2, Xbox, 
Xbox 360) She's back—and she's very, 
very sorry. The lovely Lara Croft stumbled 
badly in her last outing, but this time the 
agile adventurer regains her cool by return- 
ing to her roots (i.e., traveling to exotic 
locations to relieve them of their ancient 
artifacts). Although the developers have 
revamped Lara's looks and moves to make 
her seem more 
natural, you don't 
need to worry; 
the bounce is 
intact, as are her 
trademark double. 
pistols. УУУУ 

--Мак Saltzman 


AUTO ASSAULT (PC) The world of mas- 
sively multiplayer online role-playing 
games can seem like an endless parade 
of orcs and archery. It's time to run the 
dorks over. Auto Assault combines 
the persistent world and character- 
development elements of World of 
Warcraft with the car tweaking and super- 
charging of Need for Speed, then lets 
you mount rocket. 
launchers on your || 
car and terrorize 
a postapocalyp- 
tic wasteland. All 
thet's missing is 
Mad Мах. ¥¥¥ 
—John Gaudiosi 


RUMBLE ROSES XX (Xbox 360) Rumble. 
Roses isn't the most complex fighting 
game you'll ever play. Rather, it focuses on 
delivering a highly technical concept рагп- 
ers refer to as the jiggle factor. Given that 
this next-gen wrestlefest is more about 
the eye candy than the moves, the moves 
are surprisingly spectacular (not to men- 
tion suggestive), though they happen at 
the somewhat 
plodding pace of 
professional wres- 
tling. A photo- 
shoot mode caps [№ 
off this comely 

cream puff. yy Ya 
—Scott Alexander 


TIMESHIFT (PC, Xbox 360) TimeShift 
takes what could have been a tacked-on 
gimmick—temporal manipulation—and 
makes it the heart of a shooter game in 
which you can not only bend time's arrow 
but cram it up your rival's wazoo. Players 
can put every last enemy in stasis, freeze. 
flying missiles dead in their contrails and 
even rewind the entire game world—flying 
debris and all—for 
crucial do-overs. 
(Catch: Your pre- 
vious wounds 
remain. Don't 
think about it too 
hard.) Ууу 
—Chris Hudak 


IRE (free, xfire.com) 
When PC gamers play 
online, they're scat- 

tered across different 

servers. We'd never 

hook up with our frag. 

pals if it weren't for | 

Xfire, an IM-like pro- | 

gram that lets you find | 

your friends, see what 

they're playing and 

connect to them with one click, It also 
offers a host of other game-related ser- 
vices, including real-time voice chat. 


5 ($700 a block, brave 
nenn) Life sometimes feels. 
like a puzzle. Play on the advanced set- 
ting with shelves that show your gamer 
roots. Available in the classic game's five 
shapes in walnut and ash veneer, 
these Tetris blocks can be ar- 

ranged as bookshelves, end 

tables, an entertainment 
center—the possi- 
bilities are limited 


only by your 
puzzle-solv- 
ing prowess. 


WHERE AND HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 135, 


Please drink responsi! қ 


28 


books 


reviews 


characters. ¥¥¥ 


HOLLYWOOD’S GOLDEN AGE 


Conversations With the Great Moviemakers of Hollywood's Golden Age at the 
American Film Institute, edited and with an introduction by George Stevens Jr. 


In these days of bloated Hollywood superproduc- 
tions, it's refreshing to read the conversations 
in this book. They are a series of question-and- 
answer sessions from the late 1960s through 
the early 1980s, between students at the Ameri- 
can Film Institute and some of Hollywood's great- 
est directors, writers and cameramen. Their 
careers spanned the decades from the early 
days of silent film through the industry's golden 
age and petered out just as film-schooteducated 
young turks like Scorsese and Coppola began 
to emerge. What the likes of Hitchcock, Lang, 
Capra and the rest had in spades was a refined 
simplicity of thought in constructing arresting 
visual narratives that grew out of compelling 
Matt Steigbigel 


However profound or propulsive its on- 
screen creations, Hollywood has always 
been its own most successful produc- 
tion. What critic Manny Farber called the 
"ecstatic, mystical and hortatory" world of 
filmmaking continues to beget a wide range 
of treatments. Daniel 
Fuchs's The Golden 
West: Hollywood Sto- 
ries captures both the 
sunlit promise of Cali- 
fornia and its looming 
shadows of disillu- 
sionment. Like the movies themselves, its 
characters are variously brilliant, feckless 
and utterly absorbing. Despite the hide- 
bound Library of America pedigree, Phillip 
Lopate's American Movie Critics: From 
the Silents Until Now is a lively celebration 
of an occasionally great American literary 


form. No less artful are the inspired, often 
Byzantine economics that have sustained 
the film industry for more than a century, 
which prove a surprisingly engrossing topic 
in David Waterman's Hollywood's Road 
to Riches. Matching money and hype as 
Tinseltown's stockin- 
trade is the chutzpah 
of creative types and 
suits alike, tracked 
in James Mottram's 
Sundance Kids: 
How the Mavericks 
Took Back Hollywood. Such players form 
only a part of the dense and largely for- 
gotten world of moviemaking following 
World War Il and preceding the 1960s, 
a period excavated by Wheeler Winston 
Dixon in Lost in the Fifties: Recovering 
Phantom Hollywood. —J. David Slocum 


PRIVATE ROOMS + Guido Argentini 
PLAYBOY Contributor Argentini's new 
photography tome has a clever 
title: After all, the Italian word for 
room is camera. But inside are 
some seriously sultry images full of 
lens-locked stares and saturated 
color, featuring women in settings 
ranging from historic villas to five- 
star suites 
Call it Helmut 
Newton minus 
the Teutonic 
coolness, or 
something sim- 
pler yet—one 
hell of a sexy 
book. ¥¥¥ 
—J. Reynolds 


JOHN WATERS'S 
TOP 10 FILM BOOKS 


Soon to Be a Major Motion Picture 

by Theodore Gershuny. One of the 
first (and best) books to explain how 
a major Hollywood film expected to 
be a big hit tanked big-time. Having 
known actor abuser Otto Preminger 
on board to direct seemed to help. 
2. Detour by Cheryl Crane with Cliff 
Jahr. Hollywood's most notorious 
1950$ juvenile delinquent (and Lana 
Turner's daughter) grows up and be- 
comes a really cool lesbian with a 
great sense of humor. Oh yeah, she 
killed her mom's abusive boyfriend, 
too, but he deserved it. 

Cry by Jonny Whiteside. The 
amazing little-known story of 
Johnnie Ray—a deaf, bisexual white. 
singer who everybody at first thought 
was black. 

4. Mommie Dearest by Christina 
Crawford. The perfect literary argu- 
ment for never having children. 

5. Between Flops by James Curtis. 
Learn how to be a great 

succés d'estime like bril- 

liant writer-director Preston 
Sturges and no one will 
remember that many of 

your films didn't perform 

at the box office. 

5. Fatal Subtrac- 

tion by се 

O'Donnell and 


look at the 
routinely, 
fraudulent 
accounting 
practices of Hollywood studios’ book- 
keeping systems. You must realize 
early in your show-business career 


that even if you're lucky enough to 
have a Hollywood hit, you don't пес- 
essarily get to aller ta penny of 
your profits. 
7. Big Bosoms and Square Jaws by 
Jimmy McDonough. The incredibly 
revealing story of Russ Meyer, a di- 
rector who invented the big-breast 
industrial genre and became a victim 
of his own obsessions. 
8. DisneyWar by James B. Stewart. 
A horrifying battle of Hollywood egos 
ith absolutely no one to root for. 
9. A Heart at Fire's Center: The Life 
and Music of Bernard Herrmann by 
Steven C. Smith. Put on your Psy- 
cho soundtrack and think of its great 
composer, then read about his bitter, 
angry life and weep. 
0. Step Right Up! by 
The King of the 
about his nutcase movie career and 
inspires the carny in us all. 


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X 


THOSE WHO TURN IRON INTO 


ARTSY-FARTSY 


mw 


SHOULD BE АЗНАМЕО OF THEMSELVES. 


Here's some sculpture that doesn't require a bunch of fancy interpretation. The two-ists-in-the-wind new FXDBI Harley-Davidson 


Dyna” Street Bob: This is old school custom Milwaukee iron as clean as it comes. Какей front end. Factory ape hangers. Mid-mount foot 
controls. Flat Black Denim paint. All powered by a beefy Twin Cam 88° motor with the 


w «speed Cruise Drive” transmission. Th 


an art to badass, See the 2006 Dyna” motorcycles at your dealer. 1-800-443-2153 or wwwharley-davidsun.com. ITS ТИМЕ. TO RIDE. 


The Cat's Me 
Jaguar's new XK purrs and roars 


SOMEWHERE ALONG a sweeping road in Cape Town, South Africa, at the wheel of the 2007 Jaguar XK convertible, it occurred to 
us: This is the best new Jaguar in SO years. And that's saying something. The joy starts the moment you sink into the leathery cockpit. 
Well-bolstered buckets grip vou securely. You can choose between burled-walnut, lighter poplar-wood or aluminum accents for the 
interior. At idle this cat purrs; when accelerating it flashes its claws, roaring like a classic XK120. The 300 bhp 4.2-liter four-cam V-8 
takes you from zero to 60 in six seconds, and she'll conquer the quarter mile in 14.5 seconds. The improved Computer Active Tech- 
nology Suspension (called CATS, naturally) adjusts all four shocks independently in nanoseconds. Thanks to its lightweight, all-alloy, 
ultra-stiff bonded and riveted structure, the XK has virtually no body roll, just like a race car. As for the gearbox, you have choices at 
your fingertips. The six-speed sequential-shift ZF automatic offers three driving modes: Drive Auto (automatic), Sport Auto (auto- 
matic with added speed) and Sport Manual (paddle shifters). Doing your own shifting in a car like this is a blast, but the computer will 
beat any twirling you can do. It shifts close to the 6,000 rpm redline and blips the throttle between downshifts. As for the tag, you'll 
drop $75,500 on the coupe and $81,500 on the convertible, above. Both hit Showrooms this month. More info at jaguar.com. 


Cool digs: Sanderson hotel, an lan Schrager- 
Philippe Starck production, features sumptuously 
modern rooms, a luxurious spa for the ladies and 
the Alain Ducasse eatery Spoon. Rooms are from 
$400 (sandersonlondon.com). Showstopper: The 
pleasantly scruffy Brixton Academy, known for 
booking everyone from Bob Dylan to the Killers, 
welcomes ex-Verve frontman Richard Ashcroft from 
May 19 to 21. Get your drink on: That pub on the 
corner? Yeah, that one. Perfect. Spring fling: During 
the Spring Bank Holiday weekend, May 27 to 29, 
London loosens its stiff upper lip. Every cutie under 
30 clubs until sunrise. Fabric (fabriclondon.com) 
books some of the best DJs in the world. 


Two-Faced 


WHEN YOU'RE zipping from 
Paris to Tokyo and back, you _= 
need an rpm gauge to mea- 
sure how fast your head is 
spinning. Links of London's 
Greenwich Two Zone Clock 
($180, linksoflondon.com) slows 
things down. With two faces to 
keep track of two time zones 
and a stand that doubles 

asa protective cov- 

er, it's a welcome 

bit of clarity packed 

inside a travel-size case. 


= MANTRACK 


5 ° u n q 


All the Buzz 


THE CLASSIC VESPA has 
changed little since Piaggio 
introduced it 6O years ago. We 
like to think it has lasted so 
long because it's so quirky. In 
the right hands it's an infinitely 
better seduction machine than 
a1,300 cc beast. Pull alongside 
a bella ragazza to ask for direc- 
tions on a monster bike and you 
may get maced. On a Vespa 
you get cafe recommendations 
and espresso for two. The LX 
seen here is the 60th аппіуег- 
sary edition of the origi- 

nal, available with а 
50 cc ($3,200) or 150 
cc engine ($4,200, 
vespausa.com). 


Outside the Box 


AN AUDIO RIDDLE: If 
Jamo's R 909 speaker 
(jamo.com) is supposed 
to deliver $7500 worth of 
sound, where's the cabi- 
net? Answer: You're stand- 
ing in it. The drivers on 
these four-foot-tall num- 
bers use your walls as a 
resonating chamber. The 
speakers can handle up 
to 2,000 watts of power 
each. Don't worry about 
blowing them out—worry 
about cracking the foun- 
dation of your house. 


WHEN YOU'RE THE FASTEST PC on the planet, you don't go out dressed in a putty-colored 

piece of plastic. Which is why Voodoo's Omen PC ($4,900 and up, voodoopc.com) 

comes with an optional 24-karat-gold-plated case. And its beauty is more than skin- 

deep: It has an AMD 64FX processor and the NVIDIA SLI system, which uses two graphics 
32 cards at once to pump out perfect polygons. Now go make a mess of some aliens. 


WHERE AND HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 135. 


Unwind with your Íriends. 


Makers Mari Bourbon Whisky, 45% alc. vol. ©2006 Jim Beam Brands, Deerfield, IL 


(©2006 RJ. REYNOLDS TOBACCO CO. 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking 
By Pregnant Women May Result in Fetal 
Injury, Premature Birth, And Low Birth Weight. 


Be BOLD. 


ий 


ПИРА 


KOL: KOL 
MILOS BOX; 10 mg. “tarf: 0.3 mo nicotine, FILTER RINGS D 
BOX: 16 mü "ta", 1.2 m: icotine, av. per cigarette by 
FTC method. Actual amount may vary depending on how. № 
you smoke. For T&N info, visit www.rrtternic.com. E" B E TR U B с 


Ше Playboy Advisor 


А few of my fraternity brothers like 
nothing better than to double-team a 
girl. It’s gotten to the point where they 
would rather tag-team someone than 
have sex with her alone. I prefer опе- 
оп-опе or maybe two girls at once. The 
last thing I want to see while having sex 
is my buddy's erection. Am I being too 
uptight?—J.W., Kansas City, Kansas 

It's not unusual to want sex with a woman 
only when she's not fucking another guy. It 
sounds as though your buddies have been 
watching too much porn (one sign: They give 
each other high fives during sex), or perhaps 
they feel they are performing a public ser- 
vice for women who fantasize about pulling 
a train. Whatever the case, don't fret about 
this; take advantage. In their absence you 
have more old-fashioned girls to choose from. 


Тат wondering how noise-canceling 
headphones work. Can the white noise 
they use to block outside noise affect your 
hearing?—K.K., Pasco, Washington 

The white noise never reaches your ears. 
Microphones on each earpiece of the best noise- 
canceling headphones, such as the $300 Bose 
QuielComfort 2, capture the sound waves cre- 
ated by ambient noise, process them and send 
out new waves that are 180 degrees ош of 
phase. When combined with the incoming noise, 
this adds up to silence. An alternative method. 
is to simply block the noise. This is done most 
effectively with buds that fit snugly inside the 
ear canal. They typically cost at least $100 but 
may save your hearing by allowing you to listen 
at a lower volume. With cheaper headphones, 
such as those provided with MP3 players, you 
often have to crank the volume to harmful 
levels to drown out distractions. That, audi- 
ologists say, is causing an epidemic of hearing 
loss among younger people who damage the. 
tiny hair cells of the inner ear with continuous 
blasting. Researchers at Boston Universily 
measured the output of 11 headphones and 
reporied that, on average, the smaller the ear- 
piece, the more noise it produces at amy given 
volume. A Wichita State audiologist who 
stopped students to measure the volume at 
which their headphones were playing found 
that many were listening at 110 to 120 deci- 
bels, or the equivalent of a rock concert, which 
is enough to cause hearing loss after only 75 
minutes. (Normal conversation is 60 decibels.) 


Can you become a member of the mile- 
high club by having sex on Mount Ever- 
est? —B.W., Portland, Oregon 

We'd give you credit, but you might piss 
off the Sherpas—and the mountain. The 
Buddhist guides do not take kindly to anyone. 
"making sauce” on Chomolungma, as they 
believe it insults and angers the mountain 
(same with killing animals, getting drunk 
and burning trash). One photographer 
caught during a private moment with his 
girlfriend told National Geographic Adven- 


ture that a Sherpa warned, "The weather 
is bad, and I think you are adding to it. No 
taki-taki on the mountain." But at least one 
climber says the raunchy Sherpas are half 
kidding and themselves sometimes hook up 
with Western women during expeditions. In 
2004 a professor of international relations at 
New Zealand's Victoria University of Wel- 
lington, as an exercise in organizing a global 
social movement, created a website inviting 
people to assemble at the Everest base camp. 
He hopes to show support for Sherpa efforts 
to counier the “most spiritually erosive effects 
of mountain tourism," including sex. 


A reader wrote in January asking if any- 
thing besides marijuana could heighten 
her sensitivity during sex. About a усаг 
ago I read The Tantra Experience by Osho, 
in which he suggests meditating during 
sex. (He also suggests meditating while on 
the toilet, which I have not tried.) I have 
found that this forces all other thoughts— 
laundry, dishes, kids—to disappear. When 
I am in the moment, my orgasms аге 
more intense and more frequent. I've also 
had sex while high, and it doesn't com- 
pare.— I. J., Buffalo, New York 

You don't have to meditate to appreciate 
the lessons of tantric sex: relax, slow down 
and don't make orgasm the goal. Raja, 
who runs couples’ retreals in Europe with 
his wife, Puja (a-k.a. Diana Richardson), 
says many men tell him sex has become too 
much work. “It is a relief for them to drop 
the pressures and expectations," he writes. 
at loveforcouples.com. Relaxing during sex 
takes time and practice, but Raja and Puja 
say their students eventually learn to "trust. 
the intelligence of the genitals”—something 
we've done for years. Whatever you may 
think of gurus, Osho is onto something when 


ILLUSTRATION BY ISTVAN BANYAL 


he writes, “The tantra attitude is that you be 
loving to a person. There is no need to plan. 
The Western mind is continuously thinking 
about when it is coming and how to make it 
fast and great and this and that.” We're glad 
to hear you've found a path. 


Thank you for publishing the question 
from the woman about having sex while 
high. 1 had been struggling with reach- 
ing orgasm, but when I smoked a little 
weed two nights this week, 1 had the big- 
gest and best climaxes of my life. I had 
seen a doctor, switched my birth-control 
pills, masturbated everything I could 
think of. Who knew reefer would be the 
answer?—J.P, Chicago, Illinois 

Glad we could help. Your assignment is 
to continue to search for other ways to relax 
yourself to orgasm so you are able to approach 
it from many directions. (Now we're starting 
to sound like a mystic.) 


1 Sas at a party where the host invited us 
to smoke cigars on the porch. Naturally 
the conversation turned to cigars. Every- 
one had a different opinion about how 
long a cigar should be smoked. That is, 
do you continue until you hit the band 
or until you can't hold it any longer? 
Also how much of the tip should be cut 
off?—S.H., Allen, Texas 

If you're smoking a great cigar, you сап 
continue until your facial hair bursts into 
flames. So says Richard Carleton Hacker, 
author of The Ultimate Cigar Book. “Some 
people stop when they hit the band,” he notes. 
"Others take the band off, which 1 don't rec- 
ommend because it provides a good place 
to hold the cigar and lets others know what 
you're smoking. Every cigar burns differently 
‘and has a characteristic taste, but they all 
tend to get a little more rank as you get closer 
10 the end and have less tobacco to filter the 
smoke. It's not unusual for many cigars to 
begin smoking poorly halfway through." As 
for the head, slice it from the top, at the point 
where the tip starts lo curve outward. 


lam 28 years old and engaged. I have 
never considered straying and never 
intend to. However, my fiancée recently 
told me she overheard me talking in ту 
sleep; she said it sounded as if 1 were 
on the phone. I was trying to get some- 
one to come to our apartment because 
"she doesn't get off work until five." This 
obviously bothered my fiancée. How 
can 1 explain that it was just a dream, 
when it seems I subconsciously want to 
cheat?—B.A., Nashville, Tennessee 

Your fiancée apparently isn't sure what to 
mate of this—even if you aren't cheating, what 
sort of man dreams about it? Every sort of man, 
of course. That's biology. There's no way to 
explain this in a way that will satisfy her, but 
the prospect of committing to sex with the same 


35 


PLAYBOY 


36 


woman for the rest of your life cam cause anxiety 
that seeps out in guilty fantasies. Many women 
would be relieved to have boyfriends, fiancés and 
husbands who only dream of taking lovers. 


Im sure you will get slammed for your 
response in January about whether you 
can click a Key fob through a cell phone 
to open a car, because it is flat wrong. 
Key fobs operate on radio frequencies, 
and a cell phone cannot capture that, 
remodulate it, send it over a network 
and have another phone demodu- 
late and broadcast it. This is not to say 
that a high-tech solution could not be 
built. But that would be a lot of trouble. 
compared with carrying a key in your 
wallet.—N.M., Milwaukee, Wisconsin 


This is an example of a fool's errand. It's 
fun to imagine all the people holding a 
fob to their phone after reading your 
response. Even if it did work, how would 
thieves benefit? They would need your 
car's fob.—].S., Elk, Washington 


Whoever wrote that daft response should 
be fired. As for those who have proof, 
how far away were they standing when 
they transmitted the signal “through” 
their phone? Key fobs can have quite a 
range.— W.S., Denver, Colorado 

We'll just take our lumps on this one. We 
wanted so bad to believe. Have you heard. 
what you can do with a key fob, a cell phone 
and a vibrator? 


Regarding the reader who wrote about 
catching a co-worker talking dirty 
online: People often act very differently 
when they believe they have anonymity. 
Just because that woman wrote things 
online doesn't mean she will say or do 
the same after she signs off. If a guy 
pursues her in the hope that she will 
follow through, he may be in for a rude 
awakening.—S.D., Phoenix, Arizona 
That's a good point, although dating in 
general is filled with тийе awakenings. 


Му vite, a friend of mine and I had а 
threesome. I'd seen my friend naked at 
the health club and mentioned to my 
wife that he has a huge cock. One night 
1 invited him over for drinks, and after 
we'd had a few, my wife said out of 
the blue, “I hear you have a big dick.” 
She wanted to see it. He looked at me, 
and 1 shrugged, so he unzipped. All 
of a sudden my wife was on her knees. 
It progressed from there. It's been a 
few weeks now, and I'm not sure I did 
the right thing. I told my wife I was 
afraid she might now have an affair, 
but she assured me that would never 
happen. We are thinking about invit- 
ing my friend over again. Can this sort 
of thing ruin a marriage?—M.P., Los 
Angeles, California 

Yes. But chances are il won't in your case 
because you are discussing the insecuri- 
ties it can stir up and establishing ground 


rules. You also need to talk about this with 
) iend to make sure he understands he 
will always go home alone. 


In January a male reader asked for tips 
on shaving his butt, and you told him to 
forget it, that women should “take it or 
leave it.” This coming from a magazine in 
which the only hair on a Playmate is on 
her head! A hairy butt is a turnoff, guys. 
Wax it.—K.L., Escondido, California 


Not only should that reader wax his ass. 
but Га bet his back and shoulders need 
shaving. We skip dessert, do our hair, 
apply makeup, wear bras and pantyhose 
and wax our bikini line and butt for men. 
"The least you could do is give us some- 
thing smooth to grab.—D.S., Princeton, 
New Jersey 

While we appreciate your passion on the 
topic, this is the one area where we feel the 
sexual double standard is a good idea. 


Supposedly the code for not using weap- 
ons in a bar fight is to “fight like a man.” 
But shouldn't that mean doing whatever 
it takes to win? In other words, if some- 
one calls me out, should I bring my pep- 
per spray?—M.S., Kansas City, Missouri 

What sort of women do you meet at these 
bars? We take “fight like a man” lo mean 
fisticuffs, with no kicking or biting and no 
crying when your glasses get broken. 


My friend has his taxes done each year 
by the same pro and always seems to 
get a large return. He says the guy just 
makes things up. І am tempted to let 
this pro do my taxes this year. Is it true 
that once you put your taxes in someone 
else's hands, you're not liable for mis- 
takes?—J.G., Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania 

Sure, if you live in La-La Land. There's a 
difference between honest mistakes and fraud, 
and IRS computers are designed to flag the 
latter, such as when a person takes more item- 
ized deductions than his salary would seem to 
support. If the agency comes calling, it won't 
be asking your tax pro for documentation. 


I'm pregnant with my first child, and 
Га like to hear the truth about circum- 
cision. What do men think about being 
cut?—A.B., Nacogdoches, Texas 

Most теп had по say in the malter. We 
see no reason for the procedure, nor does 
the American Academy of Pediatrics, which 
doesn't recommend it. Some research suggests 
that circumcised infants have fewer urinary 
tract infections and that circumcision may help 
prevent HIV transmission. But these risks can 
be addressed by less radical means, such as 
regular washing and using condoms. The more 
we learn about the complexity and function of 
the prepuce. the more a tragedy it seems to lop 
it off, even as а religious ritual. It has long 
been dismissed as a useless piece of skin, but 
on closer examination il appears to be simi- 
lar to the tissue between the facial skin and 
the mucosa inside the mouth. For that reason, 
notes David Gollaher, who has written a his- 


tory of the surgery, the nerve endings of the 
foreskin have been compared to those in the 
fingertips and lips. To cut either of those parts 
(рот an infant would be considered barbaric. 


Му girlfriend is always willing to try new 
things. Recently we began to experiment 
with pee play, and it turns outit's a major 
turn-on for both of us. As part of our fun 
I sometimes drink from her. The prob- 
lem is, I am subject to random drug test- 
ing at my job, and my girlfriend is an 
occasional pot smoker. Am I flirting with 
disaster? —W.M., New York, New York 

We have expertise т only one of these activ- 
ities, so we asked Wilkie Wilson, a professor of 
pharmacology at Duke University, to ponder 
the possibility. "It's not inconceivable, depend- 
ing on how much she smokes, how much he 
drinks and the sensitivity of the test for THC 
and ils metabolites,” he says. "In this situa- 
tion I would worry most about marijuana. 
Other illegal drugs are metabolized by the 
body into inactive components." Dan Sav- 
age, in his column, Savage Love, has printed 
testimony from at least one guy who claims to 
have tested positive in this manner. 


In January a reader threw down a chal- 
lenge—his propane and wood chips 
versus charcoal. What he and many of 
your readers fail to realize is that pro- 
pane toasting is not barbecue. Barbecue 
is cooking large cuts of meat for long 
periods of time at lower temperatures. 
Stop buying grills because they are 
shiny. Stop trying to cook a cheap hunk 
of meat at 600 degrees in two minutes. 
Stop using Italian salad dressing as a 
marinade. Then we can talk about a 
grill-off.—R.K., Los Angeles, California 

As we have discovered, it's dangerous to 
stand between two men wielding tongs. 


During foreplay my female friend was 
lying across my lap while I gently spanked 
her ass. After a few minutes she spread 
her legs, raised her ass to expose her 
and asked me to spank her vulva. After six 
spanks she was soaking wet, and alter a 
few more she squeezed my hand between 
her thighs and had a shuddering orgasm. 
Is this unusual, or had I just missed some- 
thing?—G.H., West Palm Beach, Florida 

Nothing is unusual if you have the right 
woman, the right position, the right teacher, 
the right timing and the right pressure. Don't 
think about what you may have missed. Think 
about what you have found. 


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THE PLAYBOY FORUM 
UNKNOWN KNOWNS - 


IT'S WHAT YOU DON'T KNOW YOU KNOW THAT WILL HURT YOU 
BY SLAVOJ ZIZEK 


edly Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf, the unfortunate 

Iraqi information minister, the infamous Bagh- 
dad Bob, who in his regular press conferences valiantly 
denied even the most evident facts. Sometimes, though, 
Al-Sahaf hit on a strange truth. When confronted with 
claims that the Americans were in control of parts of 
Baghdad, he snapped, "They are not in control of any- 
thing. They don't even control themselves!" 

He was right. In February 2002 Donald Rumsfeld 
engaged in a bit of amateur philosophizing about the 
relationship between the known and the unknown, 
provoking hundreds of commentaries: "There are 
known knowns,” said the secretary of defense. “These are 
things we know | a ЕЕ 


О ne of the pop heroes of the Iraq war is undoubt- 


Reich. People who can build toilets like this are capable 
of anything." She is right: In a traditional German toilet 
the hole through which shit disappears after we flush is 
in front, so that our shit is first laid out for us to inspect 
for traces of illness. In a typical French toilet, however, 
the hole is in back; the shit is supposed to disappear as 
soon as possible. The Anglo-American toilet presents а 
kind of synthesis of, or mediation between, these oppo- 
sites: The toilet basin fills with water in which the shit 
floats. None of these versions can be accounted for in 
purely utilitarian terms. A certain ideological premise is 
dearly discernible about how one should relate to one’s 
own excrement, a premise with a long cultural history. 
Since the late 18th century, the geographic triad of 
Germany, France 


‘There are known 
unknowns; that is 
to say, there are 
some things we 
know we don't 
know. But there 
are also unknown 
unknowns—the 
things we don't 
know ме don't 
know." What 
Rumsfeld forgot 
to add was the 
crucial fourth 
term, the un- 
known knowns, 
the things we 
don't know that 
we know. This is 
precisely the 
Freudian uncon- 
scious, a knowl- 
edge that doesn't 
know itself If 
Rumsfeld thought 
the main dangers in the confrontation with Iraq were the 
unknown unknowns, the threats from Saddam Hussein 
that we did not even suspect, we should reply that the 
main dangers were and are, on the contrary, the un- 
known knowns, the hidden ideological premises of which 
we are not fully aware. By their obscurity such premises 
determine our acts all the more efficiently. Much more 
than the violent resistance in Iraq, they are what Amer- 
icans (more precisely the U.S. political elite) do not con- 
trol. These deserve a closer look since they lie at the very, 
core of the U.S. deadlock іп Iraq. 

Consider the three basic types of toilets in Western 
countries. [n the famous discussion at the beginning of 
Fear of Flying, Erica Jong mockingly claims that “Ger- 
man toilets are really the key to the horrors of the Third 


that we know. | 


and England has 
been perceived 
as expressing 
three different 
attitudes toward 
life: the German 
of reflective thor- 
oughness, the 
French of revolu- 
tionary hastiness 
and the English 
of moderate util- 
itarian pragma- 
tism. In political 
terms this meant 
German conser- 
vatism, French 
revolutionary 
radicalism and 
English moder- 
ate liberalism. In 
terms of which 
sphere of social 
life predomi- 
nated, it meant 
German meta- 
physics and poetry versus French politics versus English 
economics. Is this triad not also the hidden principle 
that sustains the different toilets? Ambiguous contempla- 
tive fascination with the waste, the attempt to expunge 
it as fast as possible, the pragmatic treatment of it as an 
ordinary object to be disposed of appropriately. It is easy 
for academics to claim at a roundtable that we live in a 
postideological universe, but the moment they visit the 
restroom afier the heated discussion, they are again knee- 
deep in ideology. 

And since this is ылувот, why not reach into an even more 
intimate domain, the three main styles of feminine pubic 
hair? Wildly grown and untrimmed pubic hair indexes the 
hippie attitude of natural spontaneity; yuppies prefer the 
disciplinary procedure of a French garden (one shaves 


an 


the hair on both sides close to the legs, 
so that all that remains is a narrow band 
in the middle with a clear-cut shave 
line); and in the punk attitude the area is 
wholly shaved and furnished with rings 
(usually attached to a perforated clito- 
ris). Is this not yet another version of the 
same ideological triad? 

So how do unknown knowns func- 
tion in our public discourse? Although 
excluded, they occasionally pop up in 
censored form, evoked as an option 
and then immediately discarded. For 
example, on September 28, 2005 Wil- 
liam Bennett, the neocon compulsive 
gambler and author of The Book of Vir- 
tues, said on his call-in program, Morn- 
ing in America, "But 1 do know that it's 
true that if you wanted to reduce 
crime, you could; if that were your sole 
purpose, you could abort every black 
baby in this country, and your crime 
rate would go down. That would be an 
impossibly ridiculous and morally rep- 
rehensible thing to do, but your crime 
rate would go down." Two days later 
Bennett qualified his statement: “I wa 
putting forth a hypothetical proposi 
tion and then said it was morally rep- 
rehensible to recommend abortion of 
an entire group of people. But this is 
what happens when you argue that 
ends can justify the means.” This 15 
what Freud meant when he wrote, 
“The unconscious knows no negation”: 
The official (Christian, democratic) 
discourse is sustained by a nest of 
unknown knowns, of obscene racist 
and sexist fantasies that can be admit- 
ted only in censored form. 

And this brings us to the Iraq quag- 
mire, where an old story is repeating 
itself. America brings new hope and 
democracy to people around the world, 
but instead of hailing the U.S. Army, the 


ungrateful people look the proverbial gift 
horse in the mouth and America reacts 
like a child with hurt feelings. Consid- 
ering the global American ideological 
offensive, the fundamental insight of 
movies such as John Ford's The Searchers 
and Martin Scorsese's Taxi Driver, both 
stories about a frustrated savior, is today 
more relevant than ever. We witness the 
resurgence ofthe "quiet American" from 
Graham Greene's novel of the same title, 
a naive, benevolent agent who sincerely 
wants to bring democracy and Western 
freedom to Vietnam. But his inten- 
tions totally misfire, or as Greene put 
it, "I never knew a man who had better 
motives for all the trouble he caused 
Here is the underlying presup- 
position, the unknown known: Under 


IF FREEDOM IS GOD'S 
THEN THOSE WHO OPPOSE U.S. 
POLICY REJECT THE GIFT OF GOD. 


their skin, all people desire to become 
Americans, and their violence against 
the U.S. is ultimately an act of envy and 
despair at their failure to achieve this, 
a failure caused by their racial or cul- 
tural backwardness. All that is needed 
is to give people a chance, to liberate 
them from their imposed constraints, 
and they will join us in our ideologi- 
cal dream. “I do not believe freedom is 
America's gift to the world," President 
Bush recently said. “1 do believe it is 
the Almighty's gift to each person in the 
world." In the best totalitarian fashion, 
this apparent modesty conceals its very 
opposite. Recall the dictator's standard 
claim that in himself he is nothing at 
all—his strength is only the strength 
of the people who stand behind him 
The catch, of course, is that those who 


oppose the leader also oppose the 
people's deepest and noblest strivings. 
And does the same not hold for Bush's 
claim? If freedom effectively were to 
be America's gift to other nations, then 
things would have been much easier— 
those opposing U.S. policies would be 
doing just that, opposing U.S. policies. 
But if freedom is God's gift to humanity 
(and if—hercin resides the hidden pro- 
viso—the U.S. is the chosen instrument 
for distributing this gift to the nations 
of the world), then those who oppose 
U.S. policy reject the noblest gift of 
God to humanity. No wonder Bush's 
statements have appalled many a theo- 
logian with their obscene and sacrile- 
gious unknown knowns. 

When a quiet American comes close 
to realizing his predicament yet is 
unable to fully confront it—that is, to 
truly get to know his unknown 
knowns—the only way out of the 
deadlock is a violent passage al'acte. 
Recall the brutal outburst of Travis 
Bickle (Robert De Niro) against the 
pimps who control the young girl he 
wants to save (Jodie Foster) in Taxi 
Driver. Scorsese clearly indicated the 
suicidal dimension of this violent 
explosion: After the slaughter, Bickle, 
heavily wounded and leaning on the 
wall, mimics with the forefinger of his 
right hand a gun aimed at his blood- 
stained forchcad and mockingly trig- 
gers it, as if to say, “The true target of 
my outburst was myself." Travis real- 
izes how he is himself part of the 
degenerate dirt he wants to eradicate. 
It would be good for people like 
Rumsfeld (and for all of us) if they 
arrived at the same insight 


Zizek is senior researcher at the Institute for 
Social Sciences in Ljubljana, Slovenia. 


PSYCHOPATHOLOGY OF WAR 


'he individual citizen can with 
horror convince himself in this war 
of what would occasionally cross his 
mind in peacetime—that the state 
has forbidden to the individual the 
practice of wrongdoing, not because 
it desires to abolish it but because it 
desires to monopolize it, like salt 
and tobacco. A belligerent state per- 
mits itself every such misdeed, every 
such act of violence as would dis- 
grace the individual. It makes use 
against the enemy not only of the 


accepted stratagems but of deliberate lying and decep- 
tion as well—and to a degree that seems to exceed the 
usage of former wars. The state exacts the utmost degree 


of obedience and sacrifice from its 
citizens, but at the same time it 
treats them like children by an 
excess of secrecy and a censorship 
upon news and expressions of opin- 
ion, which leaves the spirits of those 
whose intellect it thus suppresses 
defenseless against every unfavor 

able turn of events and every sinis- 
ter rumor. It absolves itself from 
the guarantees and treaties by 
which it was bound to other states 
and confesses shamelessly to its own 


rapacity and lust for power, which the private individual 
is then called upon to sanction in the name of patriotism.” 
—SIGMUND FREUD, “THOUGHTS FOR THE TIMES ON WAR AND DEATH” 


TRAPPED MINOR IN THE 
SUNSHINE STATE 


IT TOOK A FLORIDA COURT TO ENFORCE HER RIGHTS 


By Pat Jordan 


hen I was 16 I complained to my 
father about a perceived injus- 
tice. He told me, "Only a fool or a 


child believes in perfect justice.” L.G., as she 
is identified in Florida court records, was a 
child of nine when she learned that lesson. 
It is what makes her now, at 14, so angry. 
Her anger colors everything in her life," 
says Maxine Williams, L.G.'s lawyer. L.G. is 
angry because for the past four years she 
has been shunted from foster home to foster 
home, shelter to shelter and courtroom to 
courtroorn at the instigation of social work- 
ers, lawyers, judges, the ACLU, the Family 
Research Council, Opera- 
tion Rescue, the Florida 
Department of Children and 
Farnilies, the Palm Beach 
County Juvenile Court and 
Florida governor Jeb Bush, 
all of whom were making 
decisions about her life 
profoundly disagreed 
with those decisions, which 
is not unusual for a child. 
What is unusual is that 
in this case the child may 
be right. L.G. is a mixed 
race child, with café con leche 
skin and greenish-gold eyes 
When she was nine, the Flor- 
ida Department of Children 
and Families took her and 
her two brothers from their 
mother, a single parent who 
was deemed by the court to 
be "neglectful and seriously abusive to all 
the children." The mother beat her sons and 
was described as having deep psychological 
problems. But according to Williams, the 
mother never physically abused L.G. Over 
the next four years, L.G. would be placed in 
foster homes and shelters against her wishes. 
She ran away a dozen times, always back to 
her mother. When L.G. was 13, DCF placed 
her in Brookwood, Florida, Inc., a home for 
abused girls in St. Petersburg. While there, 
L.G. met a 17-year-old boy who lived in a 
nearby hotel. The boy got her pregnant 
Once а girl becomes pregnant, Brookwood 
director Pam Mesmer says, it's up to that 
girl and her court-appointed guardian to 
decide whether she will have the baby or an 
abortion. L.G. decided she would end her 
pregnancy. That's when even more adults 
began to meddle in her life. 


Anti-abartion protester in Buffalo. 


Anti-abortion groups demanded the court 
make her have her baby. The ACLU insisted 
the court honor L.G.'s right to choose. Last 
April, DCF appealed to the court to stop 
1.С. from having an abortion because it was 
"the best solution for the child." DCF lawyer 
Jeffrey Gillen told the court that L.G. was 
not mature enough to make such a choice. 
Another DCF witness told the court that 
if L.G. had an abortion, she would suffer 
"post-abortion syndrome," a condition not 
recognized by most medical organizations. 

Williams fought back for L.G. and received 
support from unexpected quarters, includ- 
ing a juvenile-court judge, 
a former assistant attor- 
ney general and a former 
DCF official. When L.G. 
finally appeared in court 
before Palm Beach County 
juvenile-court judge Ronald 
Alvarez, she said she wanted 
an abortion because she was 
“too selfish” to have a baby 
and let DCF take it from her 
and put it in the same sys- 
tem that had ruined her life. 
She also reminded the judge 
that she couldn't have a baby 
because “I’m 13, I'm ina 
shelter, and I can't get a job.” 
To demands that she have 
the baby because she wasn't 
equipped to make decisions 
for herself, she returned, 
with the impeccable logic of 
the innocent, “If I can't make good decisions 
for myself, what makes you think I can make 
good decisions for the baby?" 

Alvarez granted L.G.'s request to termi- 
nate her pregnancy. He says it was an easy 
legal decision, because it followed state 
law, but was a difficult moral decision. But, 
he adds, “this case became controversial 
because others got involved. Why pick that 
girl? A hundred girls got abortions under 
DCF care.” Alvarez says he was outraged at 
DCF's sudden interest in L.G. 

After L.G.'s abortion, Tony Perkins of the 

'amily Research Council said the state had 
"failed miserably." Governor Bush added 
that it was "a tragedy" but that he had to let 
the courts decide. After the Terry Schiavo 
fiasco, it seems Bush no longer has the 
appetite for controversial cases involving the 
state meddling in it: 


MARI 


FROM СОМ- 

MENTS MADE by 
Representative Ginny 

Brown-Waite (R.-Fla.) 

when asked to describe her job: 
"I'm a hooker. That's right, I said 
I'm a hooker. 1 have to go up to total 
strangers, ask them for money and 
get them to expect me to be there 
when they need me. What does that 
sound like to you?” 


FROM AN EXPLANATION by U2 
singer Bono of why his new marketing 
brand, Product RED, 
which he hopes will 
generate money for 
the Global Fund to. 
Fight AIDS, Tubercu- 
losis and Malaria, 
is a for-profit 
venture: "Philan- 
thropy is like. 
hippie music, 
holding hands. 
RED is more like punk rock, hip-hop. 
This should feel like hard commerce." 


FROM A RESPONSE by Lord 
Kenneth Baker, chair of the U.K.'s 
Cartoon Art Trust, to questions about 
the uprcar over caricatures of Muhammad 
that appeared in a Danish newspaper 
last fall and were reprinted as a show 
f solidarity in other European papers 
January: "Religions are a set of 
ideas reinforced by faith, and as. 
a set of ideas they can be criticized 
and attacked, and sometimes one says 
very offensive things about them. The 
tradition in Western Europe is to, as 
it were, take the criticism on the chin 
and nol worry too much about it." 


FROM AN ARTICLE published at 

globalresearch.ca on October 27, 

2004: "It has become clear that yet 

another manufactured war or some 

type of ill-advised covert operation is 

inevitable under President George W. 

Bush should he win the 2004 presi 

dential election. A potentially significant 

news development was reported in 

June 2004 announcing Iran's intentions 

to create an Iranian ой bourse. This 

announcement portended competition 

would arise between the Iranian oil 

bourse and Lon- 

don's International 

Petroleum Ex- 

change, as well 

as the New York 

Mercantile Ex- 

change. It should 

be noted that 

both IPE and 

NYMEX are 

owned by U.S. 

corporations. 

One of the Federal Reserve's 

nightmares may begin to unfold in 

2005 or 2006, when it appeers inter- 

national buyers will have the choice 

to buy a barrel of oil for $50 on the 

NYMEX and IPE or purchase a barrel 

of oil for 37 to 40 euros via the Iranian 

bourse. The upcoming bourse will 

introduce petrodollar versus petroeuro 

currency hedging and fundamentally 
(continued on page 41) 


— READER RESPONSE ` 


MASTER AND COMMANDMENTS 
How do 1 reply to your article by 
Bernard Gert (“The New Ten Com- 
mandments," February)? His Pollyanna 
viewpoint is why our country and world 
are in the shape they are in. Take his 
first commandment, “Do not kill.” Are 
we not to eat meat, seafood or vegeta- 
bles? Many people have to kill every day 
to survive. My version would be, “Do 
not commit murder” —meaning do not 
Kill with malice. And consider num- 
ber five: “Do not deprive of pleasure.” 
Everyone has a different definition of 
pleasure. For instance, someone into 
S&M and bondage would be guilty of 
violating Gert's second commandment 
(“Do not cause pain") and his fourth 
("Do not deprive of freedom"). 
Mark Compton 
Denver, Colorado 


MAD TV 

I agree that broadcast news has become 
nothing more than entertainment. In 
"Stepford Nation” (January), Frederick 
Barthelme mentions that Hurricane Rita's 
winds were not as strong as Katrina's. 1 
stayed in my house in Marathon, Florida 
during Rita. The winds were so insig- 
nificant that at the height of the storm, 1 
ей in the yard with my dog. Yet TV 
ews channels were reporting how bad 
conditions were. Hurricane Wilma, on 
the other hand, devastated the Keys with 
flooding, but the news didn't report on it 
because the winds didn't cause sufficient 
damage for the reporters to stick around 


Must-see TV is often morbid. 

They were already in Miami looking for 

downed trees and blown-off roofs 
Charlie Brown 
Marathon, Florida 


ROCK AND ROW 

Societies don't fail because they lack 
material resources (“How Civilizations 
Fail," January); they fail because they 
lack the ultimate resource: imagination. 


No kidding: Wisconsin's concrete-conoe team. 


When the Easter Islanders no longer 
had trees from which to make canoes, 
they could have used their imagination 
to make them from the one resource 
they had in great abundance, namely 
stone. Sound ridiculous? Every year 
the University of Wisconsin holds a 
concrete-canoe competition. 

Dennis Gordon 

Madison, Wisconsin 


MISSING LINK 

Since Hugh Ross ("Origins of Life," 
February) has a degree in physics, I 
assume he is well-grounded in science. 
So I have to think he is intentionally 
misleading your readers on the Adam 
and Eve story: Though his statement 
that "recent mitochondrial DNA and 
Y-chromosome analysis supports the 
conclusion that humanity is descended 
from one man and one woman who 
lived about 50,000 years ago" is true, his 
use of it, as an answer to the question of 
whether there was a "literal Adam and 
Eve,” is clearly intended to imply that 
science now supports the biblical version 
of human origins. This is untrue, and I'm 
sure he knows it. The “man and woman" 
in question were not alone (many other 
people were alive at the time), they had 
parents, and they did not necessarily 
know each other or even live in the same 

place or at the same timc. 

Daniel Marks 

Pike Road, Alabama 


BLAME CANADA 
In the “Reader Response” section of 
December's issue, Tom Seifert suggests 
“whiny Democrats” should move to Can- 
ada if they want to live ina nation that “can 
be taken over by 10 guys with machine 


guns." As a World War II buff, I can think 
of nothing more insulting to the men of 
Canada and the Canadian regiments who 
served valiantly as our allies in that war. 
Canadian squads played a part in the D- 
day invasion, and the Royal Canadian Air 
Force assisted with the bombing of the 
beaches that preceded the landing. 
Adrien Lawyer 
Albuquerque, New Mexico 


In response to Seifert's letter, I am so 
tired of whiny Republicans. If you don't 
want to live in a country that has been 
taken over by a group of corrupt indi- 
viduals with little use for anybody or 
anything but their pocketbooks, move to 
Canada. Canada looks better every day. 

Тот Cecil 
Scottsdale, Arizona 


УАМКЕЕ$ OVERRATED? 

In “Our Pilgrim Fanatics” (February), 
Simon Worrall makes a major error 
He implies that the Plymouth colonists 
were the founders of the United States 
and their attitudes formed its "cultural 
DNA.” Yes, they were influential. But 
Worrall forgets to mention the profound 
impact of the Virginia colony, founded 
nearly 20 years before Plymouth. Vir- 
ginians created the first economic boom 


The Constitution owes much to Virginia. 


(from tobacco) and wrote the majority of 
the Constitution. The First Amendment 
was derived from the Virginia constitu- 
tion, which thereby had one of the big- 
gest cultural effects on our society. And 
let's not forget the three Virginians who 
laid the real foundation of this country: 
Washington, Jefferson and Madison. 
Chris Gottfried 
Williamsburg, Virginia 


E-mail via the web at letters.playboy.com. Or 
write: 730 Fifth Avenue, New York, NY 10019. 


FORUM 


NEWSFRONT 


Gators Spread Offense 


GAINESVILLE, FLORIDA—Under а new Uni- 
versity of Florida health care plan, 
partners of homosexual and hetero- 
sexual employees can qualify for ben- 
efits. But during the January enroll- 
ment period, Gator employees found 
they had to make disclosures about 
their sexual activity in order to sign 
up. Potential enrollees were required 
to sign an affidavit stating they “have 
been in a nonplatonic relationship for 
the preceding 12 months." Though the 
documents are supposed tp remain 
confidential, concerns were raised 
over the discrimination that could 
occur if the information were shared. 
The military and organizations such 
as the Boy Scouts, for instance, would 
likely bar the participation of anyone 
who had officially sworn they were in 
an active homosexual relationship. 


Rubber Plantation 


тиш, COLDMBIA—In an effort to fight AIDS, this 
town in western Colombia 15 attempting to re- 
quire all males over the age of 14 to carry a 
condom. Under the proposal, those who failed 
to pack would be fined or forced to attend 
an AIDS prevention course. A local Catholic 
church official likened the measure to “selling 
guns in the streets.” Tuluá councilman William 
Peña, who introduced the idea, believes it 
makes sense for a sexually active community 
battling rising infection rates. “This measure 
would not oblige anyone to have sex, only to 
protect themselves," he says. 


Smack Down 
altrexone, a drug that prevents 


PHILADELPHIA 
the intoxicating effects of opiates, has also been 
shown to reduce relapse rates among former 
heroin addicts. In fact, researchers at the Uni- 
versity pf Pennsylvania found the only patients 
in their study to relapse 
were those who failed to 
take naltrexone. As a re- 
sult, a push is under way 
to make supervised nal- 
trexone regimens manda- 
tory for addicts convicted 
of nonviolent crimes. “All 
you're doing," says Dr. 
Charles O'Brien, head of the university's Cen- 
ter for Studies of Addiction, “15 depriving them 
of the ability to get euphoria from heroin, and 
it's not as though they have a civil right to get 
that.” So far many legal authorities have di: 
agreed, Louis Presenza, president judge of the 


Philadelphia municipal court, counters, “People 
make bad choices all the time, which they have 
a right to do. | don’t know that we should be in 
the business of forcing them to take medication 
they have a right not to take.” 


Angus Beef 


LDNDDN—A landmark ruling by the Law Lords, а 
judicial committee of the House of Lords and 
Britain's highest legal authority, will allow for 
mer Church pf Scotland minister Helen Percy 
to pursue her sex discrimination claim against 
the church. After she was accused of having 
sex with a married man in 1997, Percy was 
suspended and then, she claims, forced put 
of her job as an associate minister in Angus. 
Percy contends the church has not treated 
male ministers accused of infidelity with the 
same severity. The church had maintained that. 
civil employment tribunals and courts had no 
jurisdiction over the terms of Percy's employ- 
ment, basing its argument on a 1921 law that 
established the church's power to govern its 
own affairs. (Lower courts had held this law 
to mean that God, rather than the church, ulti- 
mately employed ministers—and that God hired 
оп a noncontractual basis.) The Law Lords de- 
cided Percy's sex discrimination claim was not 
a spiritual matter and that her work obligations 
constituted a de facto contract. After the deci- 
sion Percy said, “I'm relieved that at last | have 
an opportunity to have the case heard in a civil 
court, which I believe will be fair. I'm not alone 
in having been treated unfairly by the church, 
and | believe this will give others the opportu- 
nity to have their cases heard." 


MARGINALIA 


(continued from page 39) 


new dynamics to the biggest market 
in the world—global cil and gas 
trades. A successful Iranian bourse 
would solidify the petroeuro as an 
alternative oil transaction currency 
and thereby end the petrodollar's 
hegemonic status as the monopoly 
ой currency. It appears increasingly 
likely the U.S. will use the specter of 
nuclear-weapons proliferation as a 
pretext for an intervention, similar to 
the fears invoked in the previous 
WMD campaign regarding Iraq.” 


FROM RULE 81 ofthe 100 rules 
issued by L. Paul Bremer, then head of 
the Coalition Provisional Authority, to | 
guide Iraq toward 
Stability. Rule 81 
concems. among 
other things, agri- 
business and pat- 
ented crop varieties: 
"Farmers shall Бе 
prohibited from re- 
using seeds of pro- 
tected varieties.” 


FROM "UNDERSTANDING MA- 
DRASSAS," an article by Alexander 
Evans, who works for the U.K. Foreign 
& Commonwealth Office, published in 
Foreign Affairs: “Тһе Western consen- 
sus on madrassas assumes that some of 
them produce terrorists and many oth- 
ers contribute to radicalization in less 
direct ways. But the evidence of a direct 
link to terrorism remains weak. Indeed, 
according to Marc Sageman's recent. 
study Understanding Terror. 

Networks, two thirds of contemporary 
‘Al Gaeda-zffiliated terrorists went to 
state or Westem-style colleges. Like the 
terrorist Ahmed Sheikh (who was a 
‘contemporary of mine at the London 
‘School of Economics), terrorists today 
are more likely to have gone through. 
the regular educational system. Many 
are newly religious rebels rather than 
regular ulama (clergy), created by 
modemity rather than by a madrassa.” 


FROM THE ARMY'S Field 

Manual 27-10, known as the Law of 
Land Warfare: "No physical or mental 
torture, nor any other form of coercion, 
may be inflicted on prisoners of war 

to secure from them information of any 
kind whatever. Prisoners of war who. 
refuse to answer may not be threatened, 
insulted or exposed to unpleasant or 
disadvantageous treatment of any kind. 
The fact that a person who committed 
an act that constitutes a war crime 
acted as the head of a state or as 

a responsible government official does 
not relieve him from responsibility. 

for his act. The fact 

that domestic law. 

does not impose. 

а penalty for an 

act that constitutes 

a crime under 

international law 

does not relieve 

the person who 

committed the act 

from responsibility 

under interna- 

tional law. 


я! 


42 


REMEMBER THE MAINE? 


HOW GOVERNMENTS MANUFACTURE OUTRAGE 


hen William Randolph 
Hearst, owner of the New 
York Journal, sent Frederic 


Remington to Cuba in 1897 to illus- 
trate Spanish atrocities and drum up 
support for a U.S. war with Spain, the 
artist found little to draw. "Everything 
is quiet," he tele- 
graphed back to 
New York. *There 
is no trouble here. 
There will be no 
маг.” To which 
Hearst reportedly 
responded, "You 
furnish the pic- 
tures and ГИ fur- 
nish the war." 
Hearst came 
through on his 
promise, and we 
had the Spanish- 
American War in 
April 1898 
In the past few 
months we've 
seen a similar use 
of imagery drive 
public outrage 
throughout the 
Muslim world. 
On September 
30, 12 blasphe- 
mous cartoons == 


the cartoons to the Danish government 
but were ignored. They convinced 
ambassadors from 11 Islamic nations 
to demand a meeting with the Danish 
prime minister, who dismissed their 
complaint. The clerics then presented 
the cartoons to political and religious 


a blurry copy of the picture below) to 
participants at a conference in Mecca 
in December. Shortly thereafter came 
coverage in official news media in Syria 
and Iran, as well as government- 
approved demonstrations elsewhere. 
What does an Islamic state gain by 
riling up its citi- 


were printed in a 
Danish newspa- 
per; about three 
months later, a 
global furor broke. Why was there such 
a lapse between publication and public 
outcry? As with Hearst, the answer lies 
in the pictures. Fundamentalist clerics 
in Denmark initially complained about 


Tired of waiting for Moses to come down from the mount, 
the Israelites ask Aaron to make them a god. Using jewelry, 
Aaron creates a golden calf, which the people worship. When 
Moses returns, he destroys the idol and admonishes his peo- 


ple with the Second Commandment: 
“Thou shalt not make unto thee any 
graven images.” Idolatry is, therefore, a 
grave offense to followers of Abraham. 
As has been shown this year by various 
demonstrations from Gaza to Lahore, 
idolatry is an especially egregious 
offense in Islam. Though images of the 
prophet Muhammad can be found in 
museums, Sunni believers in particular 


This photo from a pig-squealing contest in France was included among anti-Muslim 
images that Danish Muslims took on a Mideast tour in January, even though the photo 
had nothing to do with Islam. The Associated Press protested the misrepresentation. 


figures in Lebanon, Syria and Egypt. 
But the controversy didn't break out- 
side Denmark until the Egyptian for- 
eign minister showed the cartoons 


(part of a 43-page dossier that induded 


THE GOLDEN С. 


zens? It diverts 
attention from 
domestic prob- 
lems, such as 
the 1,000 people 
who drowned in 
February when 
an Egyptian ferry 
sank or th 0 
pilgrims tram- 
pled to death in 
Mecca in Janu- 
ary. It also puts 
the state ahead 
of its fundamen- 
talist opposition. 
The Egyptian 
government may 
have used the 
cartoons to settle 
scores with Danes 
who had funded 
groups criti- 
cal of President 
Hosni Mubarak's 
human rights 
record. 

In the case 
of the Spanish- 
American War, 
the USS Maine did sink, and in the 
case of the cartoons, Jyllands-Posten 
did publish the images. But in both 
instances, it was the manipulation of 
those events that altered history. 


do not display images of any animal or human—anything 
with a soul. Christians and Jews are similarly enjoined from 
the worship of graven images, at least in theory. Funda- 
mentalist Christians have attacked idolatry with a fury as 


potent as anything we've seen in Mus- 
lim nations. Dutch Protestant reformers 
in the 16th century destroyed Catholic 
artworks because they viewed them as 
idols. Here in the U.S., the dissenting 
English Protestants who founded the 
New England colonies and some of 
America's mainline sects—Congrega- 
tionalist, Presbyterian, Methodist—also 
kept their churches free of images. 


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PLAYBOY INTERVIEW. 


OZZIE GUILLEN 


A candid conversation with the loudmouthed White Sox manager about 
agents, lazy players, steroids, sports radio, paperwork and his other pel peeves 


Ask any ballplayer to name the fastest-moving 
object in the major leagues and he'll likely point 
to the mouth of Chicago White Sox manager 
Ozzie Guillen. In a world of slick, media-savvy 
athletes, Guillen has no rival. Since taking over 
the troubled White Sox two seasons ago, Guil- 
len, 42, has aimed his Venezuelan accent at 
journalists, rival managers and former players. 
His own team receives the worst lashings. 
Guillen proudly claims he “leads the league in. 
throwing players under the bus." Last season he 
suggested White Sox pitcher Damaso Marte 
was faking an injury, blamed veteran hitter 
Frank Thomas for contributing to the team's 
prior bad attitude and called former White 
Sox player Magglio Ordonez a piece of shit. 
During a September losing streak, Guillen 
told the press, “We flat-out stink.” The tur- 
bulence from Guillen’s mouth has caused the 
sports media to label him alternately as savior 
of the Sox and an “immature, out-of-control, 
sensitivity-Lankrupt manager." White Sox 
owner Jerry Reinsdorf refers to him as the 
Hispanic Jackie Mason 

Bul Guillen backed up his big mouth in 
October 2005 when he led the White Sox to 
their first World Series title since 1917, lay- 
ing to rest what had been the second-longest 
streak without a championship win. If Guil- 
len is fiery and explosive, his players aren't 
The While Sox won 99 games in the regu- 


^A lot of people say I throw my players under 
the bus. I just tell them the truth. I don't want 
them to have any excuses. If you're horseshil, 
you're horseshit. If you're good, you're good. 
Don't make yourself look like an idiot." 


lar season (the best record in the American 
League) without a single player hitting more 
than 40 home runs or a starting pitcher with 
an ERA under 3.00, then went 11-1 in the 
postseason. Guillen pushed the team to win 
by aggressively using the running game and 
using sacrifice bunts to move players arvund 
the diamond. Many games were won by only 
one тип. Sporiswriters called it Ozzie Ball. 

The oldest of five siblings, Guillen was born 
in Ocumare, Venezuela but moved to nearby 
Guarenas with his mother, a grade-school 
principal, when he was eight, after his parents 
separated. He played volleyball on Venezuela's 
national youth team but excelled at baseball 
under the instruction of Ernesto Aparicio, uncle 
and celebrated teacher of Hall of Fame short- 
stop Luis Aparicio. Guillen played briefly for 
the La Guaira Sharks before signing with the 
San Diego Padres minor-league system just as 
he turned 17. In 1984 he was traded lo the 
White Sox, won Rookie of the Year in 1985 and 
quickly became a favorite with fans who loved 
watching him talk to anyone on the field, includ- 
ing teammates, umpires and opposing players. It 
was the first glimpse of the Guillen mouth. 

He spent 13 years with the White Sox. After 
the team released him, in 1997, the angry Guil- 
len slammed Reinsdorf and management. He 
finished his career in 2000 after stints with the 
Baltimore Orioles, Atlanta Braves and Tampa 


“Alex Rodriguez is a good player, but he hasn't 
won shit yet. He's one of the best players in the 
game. But Derek Jeter is something special. 
He’s the luckiest player ever to play this game. 
He wins, and he's rich. He's got everything." 


Bay Devil Rays. He resurfaced as a coach with 
the Montreal Expos and as part of the coach- 
ing staff for the 2003 World Series-winning 
Florida Marlins before taking over as White Sox 
manager т 2004. He spends most of his time т 
Chicago with his wife, Ibis, and three sons, Ozzie 
Jr, Oney and Ozney. 

We sent writer Jason Buhrmester to sit 
down with Guillen in Dallas during base- 
ball’s winter meetings. His report: “The 
lobby of the hotel was filled with baseball 
reporters, managers and executives. He 
grumbled that the conference was too much 
like a high school reunion, but as we walked 
through the lobby to the restaurant, the real 
Guillen surfaced; he ran across the room to 
hug a writer and yelled loudly to friends. 
He is raw and opinionated but never mali- 
cious, even when slamming other players 
and teams. The only two moments of genuine 
venom came when Guillen claimed that the 
media doesn’t understand him and that the 
league doesn't acknowledge his players." 


PLAYBOY: What do you tell your players 
before a game? 

GUILLEN: | always tell my players, “What- 
ever you did last night means shit today. 
That's history. Today is another game.” 
A lot of people say 1 throw my players 
under the bus. I just tell them the truth. I 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY GEORGE GEORGIOU 


"We don't have any bodybuilders. And I hate 

former players talking shit about this. When 
1 see Wally Joyner, Ken Caminiti and Jose 
Canseco talk about it, they make me puke. 
They're full of shit. It's not right." 


45 


PLAYBOY 


don't want them to have any excuses. For 
instance, my pitcher Mark Buehrle said in 
the press last season that the Texas Rang- 
ers were using light signals to cheat. When. 
they asked me about it, I said the way 
Buehrle was throwing, Texas didn't need 
to cheat. He was throwing shit. The next 
day, Brandon McCarthy threw an eight- 
inning shutout for us. If I had protected 
Buehrle, people would have wondered 
what the fuck I was talking about. So I 
throw my players under the bus because 
I don't want them to have an excuse Юг 
anything. If you're horseshit, you're horse- 
shit. If you're good, you're good. Don't 
make yourself look like an idiot. 
PLAYBOY: You have admitted you lead 
the league in throwing players under 
the bus. Have any players con- 
fronted you about a comment 
you've made? 

GUILLEN: They just laugh. They 
took a T-shirt, had a car drive 
over itand then wrote UNDER 
THE BUS On it. Every time I say 
something about someone, they 
put his name on the shirt. So 
they joke around about it. And 
every time they see me, they 
make a backing-up noise like 
beep beep beep and say, "Here 
comes the bus!” 

PLAYBOY: Do you ever worry 
you've gone too far? 
GUILLEN: No. I know what 1 
have to do to motivate players. 
"They understand where 1 come 
from and what I want for them, 
not for me. You win it for you 
Nobody can take that shit away 
from you. I can't get thc hit to 
in the game. You have to do it. 
You won the World Series 
You're number one. You're not 
going to see Ozzie Guillen in 
the history books; you're going 
to see yourself. 

PLAYBOY: In September the White 
Sox suffered a long losing streak, 
nearly blowing a 15-game lead 
You said, "We flat-out stink.” Did 
players resent the comment? 
GUILLEN: They knew we stunk 
They're the first who should 
know. My team was losing 12 out of 13 
games. We lost to Kansas City. It was not 
just because we lost to Kansas City but the 
Way we lost—we were six runs up, and we 
lost the game. How could I have gone to 
the media and said we were all right? I 
didn't believe we were all right. We stunk. 
Did they make me puke? Yeah, they made 
me puke. I said, “What I see, I hate it. 
We're not that kind of team." They knew 
that. I didn’t say anything they didn't 
know. If you don't like it, play better. 
PLAYBOY: What was going wrong dur- 
ing that month? 

GUILLEN: Everything was wrong. We built 
this team around pitching, and we weren't 
pitching the way we should. What both- 


46 егей me was that we won 99 games and 


people were still saying we sucked. 1 can't 
take that shit from the media or the fans. 
We had people saying we were a joke and 
were losers. How are you going to call me 
a loser when we won 99 games? The St. 
Louis Cardinals win 100 games and рео- 
ple say they're a great fucking team. The 
White Sox win 99 and they say we stink. 
What kind of shit is that? Just because 
theyre the St. Louis Cardinals and we're 
the Chicago White Sox? That's not fair. 
That's my problem with the media and 
people in baseball. If they like it, they like 
it. If they don't, fuck them. I dont give a 
shit what they say or what they think. 
PLAYBOY: It was reported that you were 
so upset over the losses that you vom- 
ited in your officc. 


GUILLEN: Г did a couple of times, yes, 
because I hate to lose. 1 knew we were 
going to lose some games, but it's how 
you lose, not because you lose. It's 
how you lose. 

PLAYBOY: Do losses affect you more now 
that you're a manager than they did 
when you were a player? 

GUILLEN: Of course. I have to control 25 
guys. When I was playing, 1 had to con- 
trol only myself and do the best 1 could 
to win the game. 

PLAYBOY: Are you more competitive now? 
GUILLEN: Not really. Managing just sucks. 
It's a horseshit job. If you win, you get paid 
$2 million. If you lose, you get fired. 
PLAYBOY: Does that add to the stress when 
you're losing? 


GUILLEN: When you're losing, you try to 
stay level. It's hard to manage and show 
up every day with the same face. You 
don't want to be too happy, and you don't 
want to be too sad or too upset. That's 
hard when you're driving to the ballpark 
during a losing streak and you're think- 
ing, Fuck, what are we going to do? But 
when you hit the dubhouse, you have to 
smile and talk to your players. You have 
to be the same guy every day. 

PLAYBOY: Because of the White Sox” 
playing style, you tend to win games by 
only one or two runs. Does that make it 
harder on your nerves? 

GUILLEN: It makes you a better manager 
because you have to be careful. To win the 
game you have to scorc only one more 
run than somebody else, and 
that's what we did. I can live 
with that. 

PLAYBOY: Your team had the 
best record in the American 
League and won the World 
Series, but none of your players 
are household names the way 
Derek Jeter and Alex Rodri- 
guez are. Why is that? 
GUILLEN: 1 don't talk too much 
about A-Rod. Jeter is a special 
player because he's a good 
player and he wins. 

PLAYBOY: He's got a ring. 
GUILLEN: Yeah, he's got a few. 
Rodriguez is a good player, but 
he hasn't won shit yet. I have 
a lot of respect for him. He's 
one of the best players in the 
game. He's a Latino. But Jeter 
is something special. He's the 
luckiest player ever to play this 
game. He wins, and he's rich. 
He's got everything. 

PLAYBOY: Did you make a con- 
scious decision to avoid big- 
name players when building 
this team? 

GUILLEN: I don't like big-name 
players. Everybody has to be 
selfish in the game. If you're 
not selfish, you're not going to 
be successful. You have to think 
about yourself before you think 
about anybody. But sometimes 
you have to sacrifice yourself for the team. 
It's easier to control that without those 
three or four big-name players. 

PLAYBOY: You've said before, "We don't 
need superstars. We need guys who 
worry about the name on the chest more 
than the name on the back of the uni- 
form." Is that a growing problem? 
GUILLEN: It’s the agents’ fault. Now all 
anyone talks about is how much money 
they are going to make. I don't blame 
them, because that's how I make my liv- 
ing. But the agent says, "If you don't hit 
40 home runs, you're not going to make 
any money, so don't let them make you 
bunt to move the runner over" or "You 
have to be a starter; you can't be a long 
reliever or a closer." All these things go 


through the players’ mind, and they start 
thinking it's true. 

PLAYBOY: Do agents have more power 
now than when you were a player? 
GUILLEN: Agents run this game. Managers 
ask agents what trades they should 
make. 1 think a lot of agents make more 
money than pretty good ballplayers. But 
an agent is like a manager: If you don't 
have good players, you've got nothing. 
People talk about A-Rod's agent like he's 
a genius. Fuck that. I could do that 
job—he's the best player in the game 
right now. But agents changed this 
game. 1 don't blame them. This is a 
business to make money, but the men- 
tality of the players needs to change. 
PLAYBOY: Critics call your managing style 
small ball or Ozzie Ball. Тһе idea is to 
use sacrifices to move runners rather 
than wait for a home run to score. Is it. 
hard to persuade players to make those 
"productive outs" since it won't add to 
their batting average and bring them 
higher-paying contracts? 

GUILLEN: No, because if you don't play for 
the tcam, you don't play for us again. 
PLAYBOY: You've never had to confront a 
player who didn't want to bunt? 
GUILLEN: Every day. 1 don't say, "This 
is the way 1 want you guys to play." It's 
the way they should be playing. People 
called it Ozzie Ball. It's not Ozzie Ball. 
It’s fucking baseball. Bring baseball 
back to the way it should be. Now these 
guys just want to hit 40 or 50 home 
runs. Goddamn it, there's a lot of dif- 
ference between winning 100 games 
and 99 games, especially when some- 
one won't sacrifice to move a team- 
mate over. A lot of those little things 
are missing in this game. 

PLAYBOY: When you took over the team, 
you said the old White Sox had a bad 
attitude. What was causing it? 

GUILLEN: When I was on the team, every- 
one vas satisfied and thought we did a 
tremendous job if we made the playoffs. 
"That's not it. When you start spring train- 
ing, the one thing on your mind should 
be to win the World Series. I was there 
in 1993 when we made the playoffs. We 
were satisfied to make it that far and fig- 
ured that's what we were supposed to do. 
"That's not a winning attitude. 

PLAYBOY: How were you able to remove 
that attitude? 

GUILLEN: I brought in players with the 
right attitude who put the team before 
themselves. We even brought in people 
who had bad scouting reports. A.]. Pier- 
zynski was hated by everybody. Carl 
Éverett was hated by everybody. Ме 
brought ina lot of people who were con- 
sidered trouble, but all of a sudden they 
would play for me. 

PLAYBOY: It's been said that you collected 
a bunch of players no one else wanted. 
Orlando Hernandez and Jose Contreras 
were not popular in New York. White Sox 
fans wanted the team to get rid of Jon Gar- 
land and Joe Crede. The press said Juan 


Skippers With Attitude 


Guillen and his big mouth are in good company 


Casey Stengel Career: 1,905-1,842 (508) with 
the Brooklyn Dodgers, Boston Braves, Yonkees and 
Mets. World Series titles: seven (Yarkees, 1949 
through 1953, 1956, 1958). The Old Perfesser led the 
Yankees while giving reporters quotes thot were Zen, 
bull or both. Dumped by the Yanks for being too old 
(VII never make the mistoke of being 70 again”), he 
manoged the amazingly bad Mets, a 1962 expansion 
club that went 40-120. Enshrined at Cooperstow 
1966, he left us one certoin truth: “Good pitching will 
always stop good hitting, ond vice versa.” 


ly Martin Career: 1,253-1,013 (553) with the 
Twins, Tigers, Rangers, Yankees ond A's. World Series 
titles: one (Yankees, 1977). As o manager, he drunk- 
enly punched out one of his own pitchers outside а 
Detroit bar; later he decked a marshmallow soles- 
man. Of his star Reggie Jackson and Yonkees owner 
George Steinbrenner, Martin soid, “One's o born lior; 
the other's convicted.” That got him fired from one of 
his five separote stints managing the Yankees, oll of 
which ended badly. He died in о one-car crash after 
getting hommered on Christmos Day in 1989. 


Leo Durocher Career: 2,008-1,709 (.540) with the 
Brooklyn Dodgers, New York Gionts, Cubs and Astros. 
World Series titles: one (New York Giants, 1954). 
One of the winningest monagers in history, he hung 
out with Frank Sinatro, married movie starlet Laroine 
Day and wos suspended for a year for consorting with 
gamblers. Nice guy, huh? “Nice guys finish last,” said 
the man known as Leo the Lip. But he stood up for 
Jackie Robinson while manoging the Dodgers. "I don’t 
core if the guy is yellow or black or hos stripes like о 
fucking zebra. l'm the manoger, ond I say he plays.” 


Tommy Lasorda Career: 1,599-1,439 (.526) with 
the Los Angeles Dodgers. World Series titles: two 
(1981, 1988). His best move was sending Kirk Gibson 
fo pinch-hit in the 1988 Series; his funniest was ot the 
2001 All-Stor Game, where Vlad Guerrero's flying bot 
turned him into о humon bowling pin while he cooched 
third. His 1997 Hall of Fome induction speech lacked the 
pith of his famed postgame ront from 1976: "Whot's my 
opinion of Kingmon's performance? Whot the fuck do 
you think is my opinion? | think it wos fucking horseshit. 
Jesus Christ, he beat us with three fucking home runs!” 


Earl Weaver Career: 1,480-1,060 (.583) with the 
Orioles. World Series titles: one (1970). The Earl 
of Boltimore, who leads all manogers in career ejec- 
tions, with 98, would gripe about a perfect game 
“When he came in bitching,” one Oriole soid, “thot 
wos his way of soying hi.” But the grouch pioneered 
one way to follow the game: He wos the first to use а 
rodar gun. As Weover once told a radio-show caller, 
his strategy was to “get those big cocksuckers who 
can hit the fucking boll out of the fucking ballpork." 
He made the Hall of fucking Fome in 1996 


Jack McKeon Career: 1,011-940 (.518) with the 
Royals, A's, Podres, Reds and Marlins. World Series 
titles: one (Marlins, 2003). The oldest skipper to win 
a Series, he was 73 in 2003, As a minor-league mon- 
ager, he told a player who kept running through stop 
signs ot third base, "You keep doing that, I'm gonna 
shoot you.” The ignored him, and when he did it 
agoin, McKeon, coaching third, pulled a pistol looded 
with blonks from his jacket and bam! “Tought him а 
lesson,” said Shooter Jack. “He never ron through o 
stop sign again.” —Kevin Cook 


47 


PLAYBOY 


Uribe wasn't good enough at shortstop. Jer- 
maine Dye was labeled injury-pronc. The 
San Francisco Giants hated Pierzynski. 
GUILLEN: And Tadahito Iguchi had never 
played in the United States. And Paul 
Konerko has a bad hip. Listen, I believed 
in that team since spring training. I told 
them, “If we stick together, we have a 
chance," and we did it. I will take a chance 
on people I believe in. Fans wanted Crede 
out of Chicago, and look what happened: 
He got the big hit for us in the World 
Series. Pierzynski got a big hit for us too. 
Everybody in Chicago wanted somebody 
different off that team. I let those guys go 
out there and play the game, and they 
showed me they could do it. 

PLAYBOY: The Giants called Pierzynski a 
clubhouse cancer, and you called him a 
“20-something year-old baby.” What is 
he like in the locker room? 

GUILLEN: I love him. One thing about Pier- 
zynski is he's a winner, and he shows up. 
every day ready to play. I call him a big 
baby because he jokes around and says stuff 
a lot of people maybe don't want to hear. 
Sometimes you have to tell him to shut the 
fuck up and play the game. 1 can't judge 
how he was with another team. Maybe the 
Giants just don't want to win. 

PLAYBOY: Bobby Jenks had a history of 
problems with the Los Angeles Angels of 
Anaheim. He arrived for training camp 
in 2001 with self-inflicted burns on his 
arms caused during a drunken party and 
was demoted for bringing beer on to the 
bus. You brought him to Chicago, and he 
had a 2.75 ERA, appeared in every World 
Series game and saved games one and 
four. How did you turn him around? 
GUILLEN: I told him, "If you're not strong 
enough mentally to turn the page on the 
problems you had in the past, then you're 
not strong enough to be in ће big leagues.” 
He has a family and two kids to worry 
about. This guy has a great opportunity to 
bea rich man, but if he continues with the 
problems he's had in the past, he's going 
to be another broke kid. If he sticks to the 
program and listens to what we say to him, 
he has a chance to be a great pitcher. 
PLAYBOY: You showed a lot of faith in him 
when you played him in every game of 
the Series. 

GUILLEN: You can't be a manager and be 
afraid to make mistakes or worry about 
what people are going to say. A lot of 
managers are scared of losing their jobs. 
"They want to please the fans. They want 
to please the owners. They want to please 
the media. All of a sudden they're not 
pleasing the one group they should be 
pleasing—the players. You have to go Бу 
your guts and believe in your players. Peo- 
ple talk about good managers. Nobody's 
a good manager. If you don't have the 
players, you're not going to fucking win. 
Ask all the great managers. Sparky Ander- 
son is in the Hall of Fame. He managed 
the Detroit Tigers for 17 fucking years, 
and he lost almost every fucking year. If 


48 you don't have the players, you aren't 


going to win. You aren't going to run the 
Kentucky Derby with goddamn donkeys. 
PLAYBOY: Some would accuse you of being a 
good manager because you won the World 
Series witha bunch of guys other managers 
didn't perceive as being that good. 
GUILLEN: No. Being a good manager is 
about communicating with the players 
and having faith, respect and trust. I 
have that with my team. They know I'm 
there for them. But if you don't have the 
guys, you won't win. Period. 

PLAYBOY: But you won the World Series 
without any big-name players. 

GUILLEN: Even though I didn't have the 
best talent, I had the best team. 1 had 25 
guys prove to each other that they were 
pulling the rope the same way. 

PLAYBOY: None of your players won Rookie 
of the Year, the Cy Young or any other 
awards. Does that bother you at all? 
GUILLEN: Yes. They put Travis Hafner 
above Konerko in the MVP balloting. 
That's bullshit. Look at the year he had. 
"This Kid should at least be in the top two ог 
three. He was number four or five. Then 
for the Cy Young Award, Johan Santana 
was ahead of Buehrle and Jon Garland. 


I have only two rules: 
Be on time for the stretch, and 
be on time for the national 
anthem. If you don't obey 
those two rules, we have 
problems. I'll pack your shit. 


What the fuck do we have to do? Aaron 
Rowand didn't win the Golden Glove. 
Crede didn't win the Golden Glove. Does 
it bother me? Yes. It's a bunch of shit. My 
players deserve better than they got. 
PLAYBOY: How were they overlooked? 
GUILLEN: I don't know. How the fuck can 
I win manager of the year and White Sox 
general manager Kenny Williams come 
in second for executive of the year? Не 
lost to Mark Shapiro of the Cleveland 
Indians. What the fuck did the Indians 
do? Have a good month? 1 don't have 
anything against them, but that's a bunch 
of shit. And now they're going to pit us 
against the Indians every year and say 
it’s going to be a good battle. Fuck, I won 
from the first day all the way to the last. 
PLAYBOY: Does it reinforce the team's us- 
versus-them mentality? 

GUILLEN: I tell my players to beat the shit 
out of people and enjoy when they win. 
Fuck the awards. There's only one award 
you need, and that's a fucking ring. I don't 
care how much money you have, you can't 
buy this son of a bitch. I don't care if you 
make $100 million a year: You can buy any. 
piece of jewelry you want, but you can't 


buy a goddamn championship ring. You 
have to earn it. That's what they did. 
PLAYBOY: We've heard you fine players 
if they are not on the field for the na- 
tional anthem. 

GUILLEN: That pisses me off the most. 
There are two reasons. First, it's the 
national anthem, and you have to respect 
this country. We have people fighting for 
us everywhere. And if you're not from 
here, you have to respect this country dou- 
ble. You're making money in this country, 
and you're making a living in this country 
The least you can do is stand up and hear 
the national anthem. That's respect. And 
second, at 7:05 I want my team ready to 
play. I don't want guys in the clubhouse 
hanging around when nine guys have to 
be on the field. It really pisses me off when 
it's 7:05 and guys aren't ready to play. You 
had four hours in the clubhouse to do 
what you were supposed to do. Why do 
you suddenly have to go to the bathroom 
when the national anthem starts to play? 
Why are you putting your pants on now? 
You have to be ready. When the national 
anthem starts, the game starts, and you 
have to be ready for the game. 

PLAYBOY: Is it hard to discipline players 
over matters like that? 

GUILLEN: It's going to cost them money. 
And it's not going to cost $2. I fine them 
$500. You add that up for every day— 
ouch! That's a pretty big chunk. 
PLAYBOY: You once sent pitcher Damaso 
Marte home after he arrived late. 
GUILLEN: I have only two rules: Be on time 
for the stretch, and be on time for the 
national anthem. If you don't obey those 
two rules, we have problems. I'll pack your 
shit. If you don't want to play for me, we 
don't want you. When you're ready to play 
and help your teammates, come back and 
do it. We're talking about 25 guys here; 
we're not talking about one. To me, the 
only difference between my players is that 
every two weeks they get different pay- 
checks. Otherwise everyone to me is equal. 
Look at our roster. Who won big games for 
us? Geoff Blum. Willie Harris. 

PLAYBOY: These were guys who came out 
of nowhere. 

GUILLEN: Okay, thank you. 1 gave them 
all the same respect. Konerko might be 
my favorite player, but over nine innings 
I have to root for the guy who is hitting. 
That's why everybody is equal. 

PLAYBOY: This past season you were accused 
of suggesting Marte was faking an injury. 
Did you suspect something? 

GUILLEN: I don't like when my players say 
something one day and something else 
the next. It goes from “You didn't pitch 
me" to "You pitch me too much." I tell 
my players, "ТЕ you're hurt, tell me. If 
you're drunk, tell me. If you need a day 
off, I will find a way to give it to you 
Just be fair with me and be clear with 
me when we're talking. Don't go around 
the clubhouse saying some shit and then 
come to me and say something else." I 
hate that. 


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PLAYBOY 


PLAYBOY: Did you think he was having 
personal problems? Health problems? 
GUILLEN: I don't know what kind of prob- 
lems. Everyone on my team has mental 
problems. I’m just trying to get the best 
out of them. I told Marte, "I'm your 
friend. If you have any problems, talk 
to me. I'm not your enemy." I think he 
understands that now. Before that he 
didn't trust me or anybody. 

PLAYBOY: What's the worst thing you've 
ever said to an umpire? 

GUILLEN: Oh my God. I've said, “I hope 
your mother is still alive, because you are 
a fucking motherfucker." 

PLAYBOY: Will that get you thrown out? 
GUILLEN: In a heartbeat. You're gone. 
PLAYBOY: Аге you concerned about ste- 
roid use in baseball? 

GUILLEN: Yes. I talk to the players and say, 
"If you get caught, don't expect me to 
back you up. You're on your own." And 
I hate when people blame it on players 
when some kid somewhere is doing ste- 
roids. It's not the players' fault. It's the 
goddamn parents' and coaches' fault. 
Where are you? I have kids in baseball, 
and I know what my kids are doing. 
PLAYBOY: Has steroid use increased since 
you were a player? 

GUILLEN: I don't know. I never saw it 
when I was playing or coaching. Did the 
players look different? Yes. Did I ever 
sec it? No. Of course people were doing 
it, because they got caught. But I never 
saw anybody do it. Right now I think the 
league is doing a tremendous job getting 
the game as clean as possible. 

PLAYBOY: If you pumped an average guy 
full of steroids, he still couldn't hit a fast- 
ball. So does it really matter? 

GUILLEN: True. You have to have natural 
ability. The entire world could do ste- 
roids and they would still hit .000. That 
shit isn't going to help you. You have to 
learn to perform and have some natural 
ability. But meanwhile I want everybody 
to compete at the same level. I don't want 
somebody to win because of drugs. 
PLAYBOY: It's been said that the White Sox 
are the perfect team for the poststeroid 
era because you don't rely on giant guys 
to hit 50 home runs. 

GUILLEN: True. We don't have any body- 
builders. And I hate former players talking. 
shit about this. When I see Wally Joyner, 
Ken Caminiti and Jose Canseco talk about 
it, they make me puke. They're full of shit. 
You know why? Whatever happens in the 
clubhouse stays in the clubhouse. I see 
these former players talking shit about this 
game, and it’s not right. Whatever you do 
is your own business. You're going to leave 
the game and then come back and say stuff 
in the papers or write a book? I don’t have 
respect for those guys. 

PLAYBOY: Have you ever thought about 
writing your own book? 

GUILLEN: No. I don't need to be Canseco, 
busting people's balls to make money. I'm 
not going to be another guy talking shit 


50 about this game after he leaves. You want 


to say something, say it while you're in 
the game, not after you leave. If I wrote 
a book, it would be a nice book that tells 
the truth in the right way. I would talk 
about my life from when I was a kid all 
the way to the World Series. But not 
right now. It would take a lot of time. 
PLAYBOY: What is the most unfair thing 
said about you? 

GUILLEN: I hate when reporters who don't. 
know me say stuff about me. That hap- 
pened a lot last year. On ESPN and every- 
where else, I was being called a madman. I 
don't think it's fair when people say I curse 
alotin the clubhouse in front of reporters. 
‘That's the way І talk. If you don't want to 
hear me curse, get away from me. This is 
my office. I do and say whatever I fuck- 
ing want. I can call my players whatever I 
want. I'm not saying this to make you feel 
uncomfortable. This is the way I am. 
PLAYBOY: You had a messy fight with former 
White Sox player Magglio Ordonez after he 
was traded to the Tigers. What happened? 
GUILLEN: He played with the wrong guy. He 
was bad-mouthing my team. He was bad- 
mouthing my trainer. He was bad-mouthing 
my general manager. He wasbad-mouthing 


I hate when reporters 
who don't know me say stufF 
about me. That happened 
а lot last year. Оп ESPN and 
everywhere else, I was being 


called a madman. 


my owner. He was bad-mouthing my orga- 
nization. But when he said Ozzie Guillen— 
uh-oh. As soon as he named me, it was оп. 
You don't lie to people. What he said about 
me was a lie, and I don't take that shit from 
anybody. I don't care who you are. I never 
throw the first punch, but my second punch 
is going to be a big one. 

PLAYBOY: We've heard you took down the 
photos of you and Ordonez in your office. 
GUILLEN: I took down photos of every- 
body. I don’t want to see players in my 
office. I see enough of them in the club- 
house. But this year I told Jerry Reins- 
dorf that I didn't want any pictures in the 
spring-training clubhouse in Tucson of 
fucking former players. Fuck the former 
players. I want the guys who are going 
to help this team win. Get Ordonez and 
Frank Thomas and all those guys out of 
the pictures in Tucson and bring in new 
ones. Get rid of all that bullshit. 
PLAYBOY: We've also read that you 
hate paperwork so much you ordered 
a smaller desk and had the shelves 
removed from your office. 

GUILLEN: My desk is smaller than this little 
table. The bigger the desk, the more bullshit 


that goes on it. I hate it. I have the big- 
gest garbage can of any manager because 
everything goes in it. When interns bring 
the scouting report, I say, "Take it to my 
coaches." I couldn't care less. I just want 
to know how the other manager is going 
to manage against me. That's all I need to 
know. I dont believe in taking notes. You 
don't see any of my coaches with pen and 
paper in their hands. Watch the fucking 
game and see what this guy does. Who 
cares that two years ago this guy hit a slider 
for a home run? 
PLAYBOY: Your oldest son works for the 
team as a translator for the Spanish- 
speaking players. Do they tell him things 
they won't tell you? 
GUILLEN: No. It's good that my kids get 
along with the players. They're good 
friends, but vhat happens there stays there. 
I'm the manager of the team, not Ozzie's 
daddy or Oney's daddy or Ozney's daddy. 
1f a player says something about me, 1 don't 
want to hear it from my kids. I understand 
my players and tell them that if they have 
something to say, say it to me—good or bad. 
I don't want one of my kids telling me. 
PLAYBOY: Your mother was the principal 
at your school. Did that get you any spe- 
cial treatment as a student? 
GUILLEN: No. It was worse. I couldn't 
sneak out of school. I had to be there on 
time. I couldn't miss class. I had to do 
my homework. It was a pain in the butt 
to have my mom next to me. 
PLAYBOY: Hall of Famer Luis Aparicio 
learned to play shortstop from his uncle 
Ernesto Aparicio. When you were 11, 
Ernesto began to teach you. How impor- 
tant was he in your life? 
GUILLEN: You're going to make me cry now. 
The biggest surprise I had after I won the 
World Series was when I went to Venezu- 
ela and they brought Ernesto to see me. 
There's a picture of it. I don't cry easily for 
anything, but when I saw Ernesto I went 
nuts. I wanted him to come to the World 
Series, but he couldn't because of his 
health. Ernesto taught me a lot of things 
on and off the field. He's the guy who. 
really whipped me into becoming who I 
am right now—father, husband, friend, 
baseball player: I always say you build the 
house from the bottom to the top. He gave 
me a nice foundation that won't shake. 
PLAYBOY: What advice did he give you? 
GUILLEN: He told me not to do anything 
1 was going to regret. When I say stuff in 
the press, a lot of people say, “Не doesn't 
mean that." Bullshit. I mean what I say. Не 
taught me not to be ashamed of myself. 
PLAYBOY: You later played for Luis Apari- 
ао in a Venezuelan winter league and 
then went on to play for the La Guaira 
Sharks. You also met your wife at this 
time. Where did you meet? 
GUILLEN: At the bus station. [laughs] 1 
was waiting in the bus station to go from 
Caracas to my hometown. I was in line 
for the bus. She was getting into the line. 
I snuck her in front of me. 

(continued on page 126) 


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= WITH = 


That was my first question for Кит 
Hume, chief of Fox News's Washing- 
ton bureau and my unfailingly discreet 
boss, when she stopped by my office 
this pest December and asked me 
to walk with her. "No," Hume said, 
quite the opposite. In a few days Vice 
President Dick Cheney was going to 
Afghanistan, Pakistan, Oman, Egypt 
and Saudi Arabia. The trip was still a 
secret. Did 1 want to go? 

Having served as a Washington 
correspondent for Fox News for 
Seven years—the past five cover- 
ing the White House and the State 
Department—! knew well what was 


being asked: Are you ready to spend 
50 of the next 96 hours in tortur- 
ously uncomfortable seats aboard 
Air Force Two, a C-17 military 
cargo plane and some rickety Viet- 
nam-era helicopters? Can you keep 
your wits about you while racing 
through a series of carefully orches- 
trated tours and mostly newsless 
speeches staged in remote villages 
and sprawling military bases in 
some of the world's most dangerous 
places? Can you survive irregular 
feedings, extreme sleep depriva- 
tion and excessive exposure to your 
fellow reporters, the kvetchingest 
traveling companions alive? Will 


you absorb the wrath of an unhappy 
wife, to whom, just two weeks before 
Christmas, all of this will have to be 
broken gently? Then again, do you 
want to observe up close the most 
influential vice president in modern 
times operating in the minefield that 
is the Middle East and report on it 
for the millions of viewers of the 
nation's top-rated cable news chan- 
nel? Would you like, as my bureau 
chief likes to call it, a front-row seat 
for the unfolding of history? 

There was only one answer. Cov- 
ering VIP trips is part of the reason 
Washington correspondents become 
reporters in the first place. Beyond 


the access to senior officials and their 
staffs these assignments afford, there 
are also the satellite phones and cash 
advances, the expensive suites in exotic 
countries, the background-briefing 
binders and loyal local operatives (“гип- 
ners" or "fixers") you have to rendez- 
vous with once you hit the ground—all 
the accoutrements, in short, of a well- 
appointed man of the world. The stuff of 
espionage—of Le Carré and Ludlum! Or 
maybe just the means by which a work- 
aday Walter Mitty can trot 

around the globe on some- 

one else's dime and pre- 

tend, if he closes his eyes 

and avoids thinking about 

his meager per diem, that 

it's 1975 and that politi- 

cal journalism still offers 

the freedom, excitement 

and camaraderie of The 

Boys on the Bus and the 
international intrigue of 

The Boys From Brazil. 

For me the locales of 
Afghanistan and Pakistan 
would be new, but the 
drill was not. In 2000 1 
had followed President 
Clinton across the United 
States and to Colombia, 

Portugal, Germany, Rus- 

sia and Ukraine. Covering 

George W. Bush during the 

2002 and 2004 elections, 

1 logged tens of thousands. 

more miles on official and 

campaign trips to the 48 

continental states, some- 

times hitting five cities 

in a single day. | traveled 

aboard Air Force One and, 

more often, aboard the 

noisier (and more fun) 

press charter plane that 

precedes the commander- 

in-chief everywhere he 

goes, to ensure that his 

spry jaunts up and down 

Air Force One's steps are 

dutifully recorded and fed out—trans- 
mitted via satellite—to news stations 
around the world. With President Bush 
1 had also toured five African countries 
in four days (Senegal, South Africa, 
Botswana, Uganda and Nigeria) and 
tagged along for an equally hectic 
European tour. 

But the most grueling of these trips, 
the mother of all VIP marathons, was 
Vice President Cheney's swing through 
the Middle East and Europe in March 
2002, which hit 12 countries in 10 
days. Cheney was attempting to line up 
support for the Bush administration's 
plan for preemptive war in Iraq. But 
with the second Palestinian intifada in 
high gear and each suicide bombing 


provoking a lethal armored incursion 
by the Israeli Defense Forces, Cheney 
found his hosts wholly preoccupied with 
the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Instead 
of guarantees of overflight rights for 
the ouster of Saddam Hussein and the 
invasion of Baghdad, the vice president 
got earful after earful about Ariel Sha- 
ron and the West Bank. 

Reporters on this trip enjoyed rare 
and extensive access to the VP himself. 
In an administration that has made а 


virtual science of message discipline, 
probably no official speaks more pru- 
dently, sticks more closely to the script 
or radiates more confidence in his 
infrequent exchanges with the press 
than Cheney (even when it pains him, 
as in the hunting-accident furor). These 
attributes—coveted among politicians, 
dreaded by reporters—emerged more 
clearly than ever in Cheney's frequent, 
if short, on-camera news conferences 
with the head of state in each coun- 
try (three questions from each press 
corps) and in longer, more freewheeling 
briefings conducted on “background,” 
meaning responses could be attributed 
only to a “senior administration offi- 
cial.” Cheney's demeanor changed little, 


regardless of whether the cameras were 
running. What you saw was more or less 
what you got: a seasoned Washington 
Operator, businesslike but not unpleas- 
ant; a self-made multimillionaire and 
unapologetic conservative who made his 
bones serving under presidents Nixon, 
Ford and Bush 41. 

During a news conference with Tony 
Blair at 10 Downing Street, | watched 
Adam Bolton, one of the U.K.'s best- 
known political reporters, ask why Britons 

should support the U.S. on 
Iraq "when they feel that 
they can't trust the United 
States after the unilateral 
action taken last week over 
steel." Bolton was refer- 
ring to the Bush adminis- 
tration's recent imposition 
of tariffs on steel imports, 
a blow to the U.K. steel 
industry; he was also insin- 
uating, none too subtly, 
that Bush and Cheney 
were untrustworthy. Cheney 
simply lowered his eyes, 
cocked his head to one 
side in the disappointed- 
dad manner he's perfected 
in morethan three decades 
of dealing with cheeky, 
sometimes inane ques- 
tions, and reminded Bolton 
there were "enormous dif- 
ferences" between the two 
cases. To draw parallels 
between them was—and 
now came the hammer— 
"inappropriate." An under- 
stated yet unmistakable 
rebuke: classic Cheney. 


This time, a few days be- 
fore Christmas 2005, Che- 
ney's mission in the Middle 
East was far different. 
Yasir Arafat and Hussein 
were both gone from the 
scene, the U.S.-led inva- 
sion of Iraq was more than 

two years old, and the cities of Bagh- 

dad and Ramadi had largely replaced 

Jerusalem and Tel Aviv as the world's 

prime loci for suicide bombings, kidnap- 

pings and other terrorist atrocities. 

On December 15 an estimated 10 
million Iraqi citizens defied the terror- 
ists, insurgents and fanatical nihilists 
and headed to the polls, where, with 
ink-stained fingers, they chose the first 
democratically elected parliament 
under the country's new constitution. 
Despite this highly encouraging devel- 
opment, strong sectarian differences 
still divided the country's Shiite Mus- 
lim majority from the Sunni Arab minor- 
ity, which ruled under Hussein, and 
both of (continued on page 76) 


RACHEL О] 


PHOTOGRAPHY N 
BY MARCO GLAVIANO N 


estled т the breakfast 
nook of her West Holly- 
wood apartment, Rachel 
Sterling couldn't be hap- 
pier. She loves Tinseltown, 
and given that Charlie Chaplin once 
owned this building, and Jean Harlow 
and Marilyn Monroe once strolled its 
courtyard, Rachel feels right at home. 
The love of her life, a teacup Maltese 
named Zoe, is sitting in her lap, and it 
must be said: Even her dog is hot. 

"Zoe's a regular model for a line 
called American Pup," Rachel says. 
"She has this little pose she does 
looking over her shoulder. Гуе 
learned a lot from Zoe. She's a bet- 
ter model than | am. 

Not so fast! Rachel, who had us 
all saying "I would" as one of Vince 
Vaughn's love interests in Wedding 
Crashers, turns everyone's head. An 
exotic beauty of Mexican, Korean 
and Apache heritage, the 26-year-old 
Texas native is a busy woman. She's 
a model, a dancer and an actress. You 
can see her later this year in the indie 
film Price to Pay, about 1980s drug cul- 
ture, or you may catch her dance act, 
the Sugar Blush Beauties, as it tours 
Canada with some notable celebrity 
guests, including our September 2005 
Cover girl, Jessica Canseco. The group 
features five model-dancers who do 
“rock-and-roll cabaret." If, however. 
you're feeling lazy, turn on The Price 
Is Right. Yup, Rachel is slated to grace 
the stage later this year as a Barker 
babe with everybody's favorite дате- 
show host, Bob Barker. Priceless. 

Rachel turned to acting and danc- 
ing "only after it hit me that | wasn't 
going to be a runway model. I'm only 
five-foot-four.” She quickly became а 
music-video must-have, providing 
luscious eye candy for the likes of Dr. 
Dre, Kid Rock, Sugar Ray and Velvet 
Revolver. She earned a lot of atten- 
tion last year for her Reno 911! char- 
acter, a gorgeous madam running a 
brothel full of beauties. Rachel was a 
Juggy Dancer on Comedy Central's 
The Man Show, too. 

"The Juggys was a fantastic experi- 
ence," she says. (There's a sentence 
you don't hear often enough.) "Co- 
hosts Jimmy Kimmel and Adam Car- 
olla are such sweet guys. | had a crush 
on Jimmy for, like, a day. It wore off." 

When she's not working, Rachel 
loves to eat, though who knows 
where it goes. She's also a classic- 
movie hound. She wore out her 
Citizen Kane DVD, which was a prob- 
lem. If it wasn't playing on the TV in 
her "very girlie" bedroom—complete 
with Canopy bed and flowers galore— 
she couldn't fall asleep. Her favorite 
movie of all time? Sunset Boulevard. 
Now that's our kind of girl. 


templos cf Rachel тет 
geous body of work [from top): 
lucing a cop on Comedy Central's 
Reno 9111; slow dancing with Vince 
Vaughn in Wedding ches: gettin 
jiggy in a Kid Rock video; and wi 
сатова enThe Man Show Her 
best role so ог РАВО model—is а 
dream come true. “The first time | sow 
an issue of PLAYBOY, | thought the girls 
ere so рге! and hal Id like to 
lo that someday,” she says. “E 
American girl ES thought about it ct 
least once—unless she’s Amish,” 


SSS 


— ron 
os 


| wa LL 


IL SS 
WIE ee اا‎ 


75s es 


sgg 


PLAYBOY'S 2006 BASEBALL PREVIEW 


GOING, GOING, GONE 


In 2004 Boston broke its streak. Last year it was the White Sox. 
But rest assured: This season will be even more surprising 


Г. 


wo years ago the Red Sox claimed their first championship since 
1918. "It was a surreal feeling in that city," says commissioner 
Bud Selig. Last year the White Sox put an end to a drought that 
dated back to 1917. “You could feel the sense of accomplish- 
“ual ment," says Selig. So what's next? The Cubs winning their first 
title since 1908? “I'm not going to get into that,” Selig says. But the 
commissioner will talk about parity. In the past six seasons 10 teams have 
played in the World Series, with a different one taking the championship cach 
year. “It gives so many people reason for hope,” he says. "The barometer 1 
like to use is how many teams are still in contention on Labor Day. In recent 
years we've had 17 to 20." The sport is coming off another record-setting year 
for attendance and income, which Selig credits to the game's revenue-sharing 
plan and luxury tax. This year promises to be even more intriguing because 
Barry Bonds looks to resume his climb up the chart of the game's greatest 
home-run hitters. After three knee surgeries limited him to only 52 plate 
appearances in 2005, Bonds is back. He starts 2006 with 708 home runs, 
seven away from passing Babe Ruth for the number two spot on the all-time 
list, something Bonds 
BY TRACY RINGOLSBY has said he covets. He's 
also 47 short of overall 
leader Henry Aaron's 755, a milestone Bonds has downplayed his desire to 
reach. However, as even Selig admits, the BALCO drug investigation will 
temper the excitement. "Time will tell if Bonds's accomplishments are 
tainted,” he says. “Не has been quiet this off-season, trying to get ready to 
play." Selig feels good, though, about baseball's recent attack on the use of 
illegal substances. What provides him with hope is the drug policy being the 
result of cooperation between the Players Association and the owners. "Instead 
of the continual hostility that had hung over our game for so long," he says, 
"the two sides worked together." The commissioner is even optimistic about 
negotiations for a new basic agreement. Four years ago, for the first time in 
more than three decades, baseball concluded labor negotiations without a 
work stoppage. There is now talk that a new deal could be reached without 
public posturing. 
In the spirit of parity, we see another new champion this year: the 
Oakland Athletics. 
Let's look at the teams (listed in predicted order of finish). 


N 


mm» 


of taking him away from archrival 
Boston. The Bombers also wanted to 


Last season: 95-67. First place, lost to 
the Los Angeles Angels in five games 
in the Division Series. The Yankees 
have won eight consecutive division 
titles, but they haven't won it all since 
2000 and have been to only one World 
Series in the past four seasons 

Off-season focus: They needed a 
center fielder and a top-of-the-lineup 
bat. By signing free agent Johnny 
Damon they got both, with the bonus 


rebuild their bullpen, but after refus- 
ing to give Tom Gordon a three-year 
deal, they were forced to gamble on 
the inconsistent Kyle Farnsworth, 
giving him a three-year, $17 million 
deal. The Yanks also guaranteed two 
years to situational lefty Mike Myers. 

In-season prognosis: With the addi- 
tion of Damon, the lineup is ready to 
roll, and a title should be attainable. The 
key is in keeping the pitchers healthy, 


Barry Bonds enters the season with 708 career home runs, only six fewer than Babe 
Ruth and 47 fewer than Hank Aaron. Could Bonds be the greatest slugger of alltime? 


NEW YORK 
CHICAGO 
OAKLAND 


195 ANGELES 


CHICAGO 


NL \ 


SAN RAROS 


^ World Champions ) 
OAKLAND ] 


One thing we're sure of is we can't 
be sure of much. As Mork Twain 
said, "Prophecy is a good line of 
business, but it is full of risks.” Still, 
we think this will be the year Billy 
Beane's efforis come to fruition. 


63 


PLAYBOY”S 2006 BASEBALL PREVIEW 


64 


22 


which is easier said than done, considering 
Randy Johnson's and Mike Mussina's age 
and the medical history of Carl Pavano, 
Jaret Wright and Chien-Ming Wang. 
Closing statement: No one is better 
than Mariano Rivera. If anything, he 
has been so good for so long that the 
Yankees now take him for granted and 
overreact to his rare bad outings. 


77 2 Toronto Blue Jays 


Last season: 80-82. Third place, 15 
games out. During his four-year regime, 
general manager J.P. Ricciardi has 
received more extensions (two) than his 
team has had winning seasons (one) 

Off-season focus: The Jays found 
the pitching they needed, but it came 
at a steep price—a five-year, $55 mil- 
lion contract for A.J. Burnett, who has 
49 career wins in seven seasons, and 
a five-year, $47 million deal with B.]. 


Ryan, who has been a closer for only 
one year. They also added legit bats 
to the lineup by acquiring third base- 
man Troy Glaus from Arizona, catcher 
Bengie Molina from the Angels and 
first baseman Lyle Overbay from Mil- 
waukee—although the Glaus trade 
forced them to give up second-base 
whiz Orlando Hudson. 

In-season prognosis: Ricciardi got his 
job by claiming he could compete despite 
a tight payroll, but he didn't hesitate to 
spend money once Rogers Communica- 
tions, which owns the team, increased the 
revenue stream by purchasing SkyDome. 
"Toronto has the talent to be in the race, 
so the pressure will be on untested man- 
ager John Gibbons to succeed. 

Closing statement: Ryan used to rely 
on his slider, but when added move- 
ment on his fastball gave him some- 
thing else to show hitters last year, he 
was able to thrive as a closer. 


Last season: 95-67. Though the Red 
Sox tied for the best record in the East, 
their 9-10 record against the Yankees 
relegated them to their eighth consecu- 
tive second-place finish and their third 
straight AL wild card. The White Sox 
swept them in the Division Series. 
Off-season focus: With GM Theo 
Epstein returning from an 80-day hia- 
tus, Boston finally has its front office 
sorted out. The Sox looked to improve 
their defense, acquiring Coco Crisp to 
replace Johnny Damon in center and 
signing Alex Gonzalez to take over at 
shortstop for Edgar Renteria, who was 
sent to Atlanta following an error-filled 
season that earned him the wrath of 
Boston fans. 

In-season prognosis: Boston took 
advantage of the Florida Marlins' fire 
sale to add talent, but as good as his 


On Luck 


-— By Bill James — 


“I never knew an early-rising, hardworking, prudent man, careful of his earnings 
and strictly honest, who complained of bad luck. A good character, good habits 
and iron industry are impregrable to the assaults of all the ill luck that fools 
ever dreamed of” —JOSEPH ADDISON 


оп' ask me who Addison was. | got that out of a quote book. All 
1 know about Addison is that there's a street named after him 
near Wrigley Field—that and the observation that he appears 
to have been a self-righteous asshole. In the sports world the 
most famous quote about luck is Branch Rickey's: "Luck is the residue of 
design” One has to say, in fairness to Rickey, that he didn't get it nearly as 
wrong as Addison. Luck is not something left over when all our plans have 
been implemented. Luck is a beast that jumps into the middle of our plans 
and kicks the snot out of them. Plans are rabbits; luck is a hungry wolf. 

It has been suggested that statisticians don't belleve in luck. What 
are you, nuts? Statisticians see luck as an Eskimo sees snow, a 
paranoiac sees enemies, a banker sees money. To а statistician, 4 
luck is so much a part of our environment that we have diffi- 
culty being certain there is anything else. We tend to see 
everything as if it were built mostly of luck. / 

Your average sports fan underestimates the power of luck | 
by a factor of dozens, your average athlete by a factor of 
hundreds. If you ask a baseball fan, “Is it possible for an aver- | 
‘age pitcher to win 20 games just because he is lucky?" most \ 
likely he will scoff at the idea. In reality an average pitcher \ 
winning 20 games is not only possible, it's fairly common. 

They say chance favors those who are prepared for it. Well, 
yes and no. In sports, luck always favors the less skilled athlete, 
since without luck the lesser team would win only when the better 
team has a breakdown. Perhaps statisticians are keen on luck because we 
are such bad athletes. When I was a young man | was the worst athlete in the 
world, but | am six-foot-four and attended high school in a small town, so ! got 
to play a little bit of basketball. Usually I did okay at rebounding because I 
was bigger than anybody else on the floor, but I remember one game in which 
the other team had these two guys: One was six-foot-six and a lot stronger 
than | was, and the other was six-foot-five and could jump. 

1 knew I had no chance banging against those guys, so | just leaned into 
опе of them until the shot was in the air and then bounced out four or five 
feet in case there was a long rebound. In about five minutes I had policed up 
three or four long rebounds. | thought I was doing great, until halftime came 
and the coach lit into me as if had dishonored his mother. "Get in there and 
fight for those rebounds,” he screamed. 


Some people say they would rather be lucky than good. I would rather be 
good than lucky, but unfortunately | wasn't lucky enough to be good. | was 
lousy. | was smart enough to realize, however, that even though | was lousy 
1 still might get lucky. If | got away from those guys the ball might bounce in 
my direction; whereas if | tried to tussle with them, the best possible outcome 
would be my not needing surgery. 

Coaches don't believe in luck, because they can't afford to rely on it. This 
is too kind. Coaches don't believe in luck mostly because they are ex-athletes. 
The coach didn't understand my perspective, because he had never been that 
guy who was just too damn slow to win a rebound battle. If you ask an athlete. 
whether it is possible for a below-average team to win the pennant in baseball 
just by dumb luck, you'll be lucky if he doesn't punch you. Athletes are trained 
not to believe in luck. The guy who wins always believes he has won because 
he deserved to win, because he worked hard and was smart and had real intes- 

tinal fortitude. Winners are not inclined to think they won because they 
mm. were lucky. I'm not saying the White Sox won last year because of 
luck—not at all. It takes a lot of skill to make the umpire and the 
„ opposing catcher both screw up the same play. 
Ecclesiastes gets it exactly right: "The race is not to 
\ the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread 
to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, 
пог yet favor to men of skill; but time and chance 
happeneth to them all” 
| Of course, there are limits to the power of luck. № 
/ the Kansas City Royals had an ocean of good fortune, 
/ they would probably just drown in it. There are limits to 
the power of good luck; I'm not sure there are limits to the 
power of bad luck. Is it possible for a team's luck to be so bad 
that, let's say, the Yankees could finish last even though they really 
are the best team in the league? 

Sure it is—all it takes is one car wreck and a pulled hamstring or two. 
We think of luck as being a bunt that rolls foul, a hard smash with a fielder 
standing right in front of it, а blown call that goes against us, a windblown 
homer or a long rebound that bounces our way. When luck reaches a certain 
level we stop thinking about it as luck and we start thinking about it as just. 
ings are. People think the Red Sox were really smart for signing 
David Ortiz. But | was there when the decision was made, and I know we 
were as much lucky as smart. We could just as easily have gone after 

| 2 ; 


another guy, who is now out of baseball. We signed Ortiz and 

he turned out to be great, so ме don't think about that as * =» 
being lucky anymore; we just think we're really good. The {© = 
truth is, we are lucky to be so good. 


scouting reports may be, Josh Beckett 
has yct to prove he is durable cnough 
to be а quality starter, and third base- 
man Mike Lowell's 2005 season has 
raised questions about his future. Add 
uncertainty about Curt Schilling's 
health and leaders Kevin Millar's and 
Johnny Damon's absence from the 


BAY" 5. Tampa Bay Baul Rays 

Last season: 67-95. Last place, 28 
games out. The Devil Rays have finished 
in last place in all but one year since 
they joined the league in 1998, and 
the team has never lost fewer than 91 
games in a season. 


In closing by Goose Gossage 


Gossat 


ы 


GOSSAGE: 


PLAYBOY: Does the Hall of Fame voting bother you? 
I'd be lying if I said 1 wasn't disappointed. | know there weren't many people who 
did the job better than | did. 
PLAYBOY: Did you come too early in the evolution of the reliever to get your due? 


Last season: 99-63. First place, swept 
Boston in the Division Series, beat 
the Angels in five games in the ALCS 
and swept Houston in the World 
Series. To defend their title, the Sox 
have raised payroll by $22 million, to 
$97 million. 

Off-season focus: Not 
wanting to take anything 
for granted, Chicago 
added to its strengths. 
As well as re-signing 
Paul Konerko, the 
White Sox traded for 


don't know. Dennis Eckersley deserves to be in the Hall of Fame, but it's insult- 
ing that he got in before Bruce Sutter and myself. | hear all this talk of people comparing us 
to Mariano Rivera and Trevor Hoffman. Please. They should be compared to us. 

PLAYBOY: Do you think modern players get too much hype? 

GOSSAGE: It pisses me off when I hear people say Barry Bonds is the greatest hitter. He's 
playing іп a wussy era. The game is soft. You never get thrown at today. The last thing a hitter 
has to worry about today is getting hit. The first thing Hank Aaron had to worry about was 


Jim Thome to provide 
left-handed balance 
to the middle of the 
lineup. They tied up 
Jon Garland for three 


clubhouse, and the Bosox are likely to 
slip in the standings. 

Closing statement: Keith Foulke, 
who battled injuries last year, is not 
your typical closer. He has an ordi- 
nary fastball, but he lives on the 
outer half of the plate with a good 
change and slider. 


: 74-88. Fourth place, 21 
games out. At 3], off-season addition 
Kris Benson is the oldest member of 
the Orioles rotation. 

Off-season focus: Baltimore had 
grand plans to beef up its offense but 
couldn't get its prime 
choices. Раш Konerko 
turned down more money 
to stay with the White 
Sox, and Jeromy Burnitz 
reneged on his agreement 
to a two-year deal, signing 
for one year in Pittsburgh 
instead. At one point 
shortstop Miguel Tejada 
demanded a trade, but by 
the start of spring training 
he had backed off. 
In-season prognosis: 
The Orioles lack a solid 
veteran nucleus, and the 
young players haven't 
been consistent. New pitching coach 
Leo Mazzone gets a chance to show 
that his magic, rather than the qual- 
ity of the Braves' pitchers, led to his 
success in Atlanta. 

Closing statement: Chris Ray has been 
given the challenge of taking over for 
ВЈ. Ryan. He has a great arm but has 
yet to pick up his first big-league save. 


“I'm black. Am | going to survive this at-bat?" 


Off-season focus: Tampa launched 
yet another rebuilding program with 
a new front office that features former 
Houston general manager Gerry 
Hunsicker advising youthful Rays GM 
Andrew Friedman. The team also 
replaced manager Lou Piniella with 
longtime Angels bench coach Joe 
Maddon. By trading relievers Danys 
Baez and Lance Carter to the Dodgers 
for prospects, the team made it clear 
that it's looking to the future. 

In-season prognosis: The Devil Rays 
have a surprising amount of young 
talent, but they don't have the veterans 
to bring the team together. With a 
patchwork bullpen and a dubious 


In closing by Billy Wagner 


years and traded for 
Javier Vazquez, adding 
another veteran starter 
who can eat innings. 
They left themselves with uncertainty 
in the bullpen, though, by dealing 
lefty Damaso Marte for versatile util- 
ity man Rob Mackowiak. 

In-season prognosis: Owner Jerry 
Reinsdorf didn't boost the payroll so 
he could finish second. Making the 
most of his relievers could prove 
challenging for manager Ozzie Guillen, 
bur last year he showed a knack for 
finding the hot bullpen hand and 
staying with him. 

Closing statement: Right-hander 
Bobby Jenks has the stuff and showed а 
never-say-die attitude last year, but his 
past raises questions about whether he 
can stay focused for a full season. 


PLAYBOY: You said you would never pitch in New York, but as a free agent you chose the 
Mets. What happened? 

WAGNER: | come from a small town in Virginia and played in Houston, which is a laid- 
back city. But the Astros traded me to the Phillies. If you can handle Philadelphia, 
you can handle anything. Blow a save in Houston and it's “бо get "ет tomorrow” Blow 
a save in Philly and it's the end of the world. Going to an East Coast market, I started: 
to see things differently. 

PLAYBOY. How did Craig Biggio and Jeff Bagwell influence your career? 

WAGNER: They taught me how to approach the game, the mental aspects. They talked 
about anticipating things. When you stepped onto the field with Biggio and Bagwell, you 
‘wanted to live up to their expectations. They set the tone for how hard you played. They 


rotation, Tampa has no realistic hope 
of escaping the AL East’s lower tier. 

Closing statement: Right-hander Shinji 
Mori arrives from Japan, where he was 
an All-Star setup man for the Seibu 
Lions. Maddon will juggle his bullpen 
a lot, which could mean that journey- 
man Dan Miceli and sophomore Chad 
Orvella will get save chances as well. 


made you realize you were playing for a team, not for an individual. 


Last season: 83—79. Third place, 16 
games out. The Twins were 15-55 
when they scored three or fewer runs 
in 2005. 

Off-season focus: Minnesota had to bulk 
up its offense, which took a hit with the 
free-agent departure of Jacque Jones. The 


55 


66 


[44 


team filled Jones's vacancy with outfielder 
Rondell White and addressed the need 
for a leadoff hitter and second baseman 
by picking up Luis Castillo from Florida. 
The Twins flirted with trading for Toronto 
third baseman Corey Koskie but decided 
instead to see if journeyman Tony Batista 
has one more season in him. 

In-season prognosis: The Twins have 
wild-card potential, especially since 
they play 38 games against Detroit and 
Kansas City. Brad Radke has slipped to 
a bottom-of-the-rotation starter, but his 
talk of retiring means this should be an 
emotional year for him. 

Closing statement: Joe Nathan was a 
steal for GM Terry Ryan when he was 
acquired from San Francisco in 2004. 
He has a resilient arm and a demeanor 
that lets hitters know he is in charge. 


Last season: 93-69. Second place, six 
games out. The ‘Tribe suffered 36 of its 
69 losses by one run, despite having 
what was statistically the best bullpen 
in the league. 

Off-season focus: The Indians had 
to retool their rotation after losing 
AL ERA champ Kevin Millwood and 
Scott Elarton to free agency. They 
wound up risking $14.25 million on 
a two-year contract to oft-injured Paul 
Byrd. Cleveland also brought back 
right-handed relievers Danny Graves 
and Steve Karsay to replace under- 
rated setup man Bob Howry, now 
with the Cubs. 

In-season prognosis: Cleveland 
doesn't have the pitching to duplicate 
2005's run for the postseason, which 
ended when six losses in the final seven 
games cost the team a wild-card spot. 
The Indians do, however, have most 
of their lineup back and will need the 
offense to carry them, much as it did 
during their run of five consecutive 
division titles in the 1990s. 

Closing statement: Cleveland wanted 
to upgrade from Bob Wickman, given 
his age and injury history, but nobody 
can take away from his competitive 
nature, a key to finishing games. 


Detroit Tigars 


Last season: 71-91. Fourth place, 
28 games out. The Tigers have had 
a dozen consecutive losing seasons, 
which is the longest current streak in 
the American League and the longest 
in franchise history. 

Off-season focus: After boosting their 
offense the past two off-seasons by bring- 
ing in catcher Ivan Rodriguez and out- 
fielder Magglio Ordonez, the Tigers 
realized they needed to look for pitching 


help this past winter. They found a vet- 
eran starter in Kenny Rogers and con- 
vinced former doser Todd Jones to come 
back after a 40-save season with Florida. 
In-season prognosis: Manager Jim 
Leyland returns to the Tigers and 
looks to remove 
any tarnish that 
may remain on 
his managerial 
record following 
his walking out 
on the Marlins 
after the 1998 
season and the 
Rockies after 
1999. Leyland 
will definitely 
have his work cut 
out for him in a 
competitive divi- 
sion with a team 
that doesn't fit 
together well and 
has had to buy 
loyalty with free- 
agent contracts. 
Closing state- 
ment: Todd Jones 
resurrected his 
career a year 
ago after Florida 
invited him to 
spring training. 
He gets by more 
on moxie than stuff these days, but he 
somehow managed to get a two-year 
ntee from the Tigers. 


Last seaso: 6—106. Last place, 43 
games out. After avoiding a 100-loss 
season in their first 33 years of exis- 
tence, the Royals have lost 100 or more 
in three of the past four seasons. 
Off-season focus: Looking to plug 
roster holes, Kansas City hauled 
in second-tier free agents, signing 
outfielder Reggie Sanders, second 
baseman Mark Grudzielanek, first 
baseman Doug Mientkiewicz and 
pitchers Mark Redman, Scott Elar- 
ton and Joe Mays. This brought 
back memories of 1997, when the 
performance of off-season additions 
Jay Bell and Jeff King cost manager 
Bob Boone his job. 

In-season prognosis: It's going to 
get ugly. Owner David Class has said 
he expects a .500 record at minimum 
if GM Allard Baird and his front-office 
staff want to return in 2007. 

Closing statement: Mike MacDougal 
has the stuff but needs to be more con- 
sistent in throwing strikes. In other 
words, he has to have confidence in 
his ability to challenge hitters. 


no sense to give them up in the early i 
and hit-and-runs. The sacrifice is useful only when one run will win it or 
the pitcher is at bat. It's no coincidence that stolen-base rates have fallen 
‚Since the days of Rickey Henderson and Tim Raines. Teams today hit many 
more home runs, which diminishes the value of gaining one base. During 
hit-and-runs, runners usually don't sprint with the same gusto they have 
when trying a straight steal, thus leading to a greater likelihood of being 
caught stealing. Staying out of the double play is a noble idea, but it 
doesn't override the risk of erasing a base runner. 

2. Teams should use their best relievers in the sixth inning—or ear- 
lier. Goose Gossage's managers brought him іп whenever the need 
was greatest, sometimes as early as the fifth inning. Managers rarely 
use their ace relievers for more than one inning and never more than 
two. This is great for relievers' arms but does little for a team. Even 
more odd is that managers will use their closers for two innings during 
the playoffs but not during the regular season. The first manager who 
retums to the Gossage model will win a lot of games. 


@) 1 
Last season: 88-74. Second place, 
seven games out. The Athletics were 
33-45 while shortstop Bobby Crosby 
was on the disabled list. 


Unconventional 
Wisdom 


by Jonah Keri 


1. Managers cost their team wins by 
overmanaging. With teams regularly 
scoring five or more runs a game, the 
most precious commodity а manager 
possesses is a game's 27 outs. It makes. 
ings with bunts, steal attempts 


ОН-ѕеаѕоп focus: Shopping for right- 
handed power to balance their lineup, 
the A's decided to take risks. They 
traded for Dodgers outfielder Milton 
Bradley after L.A. finally decided his 
clubhouse problems ofiset any bene- 
fits his switch-hitting ability afforded. 
Oakland then signed designated hit- 
ter Frank Thomas, who broke his 
Jeft ankle twice last year and was told 
the White Sox no longer needed his 
services. The A's also added rotation 
depth by signing moody starter Este- 
ban Loaiza to a multiyear deal. 

In-season prognosis: GM Billy Beane 
has long said he’s not worried about 
clubhouse harmony, and he reaffirmed 
that by bringing in Bradley and Loaiza. 
If the two of them fit into the A's sys- 
tem, Oakland could have its best team 
since 2001, even if manager Ken Macha 
needs to do a lot of babysitting. 

Closing statement: Only a year out 
of college last season, Huston Street 
showed the A's he wasn't the slightest bit. 
intimidated by the big leagues. He has a 
great arm with command and savvy. 


Last season: 95-67. First place, 
defeated New York in the Division 
(continued on page 136) 


“T think the return of pterodactyls is a little ominous!” 


mgm9 su 
|| S 


NOT JUST 


HOW FASI 


YOU M( 


VE 


YOUR LEGS 


Lessons from Bill Bowerman, 
the greatest track coach who ever lived 


By Phil Knight 


t 17 years and six months of 
A= | went off to the University 
of Oregon, 100 miles and a 
world away from the only home I knew. 
With 6,000 students, the school 
was the largest in the state. It was 
located in the middle of the Willam- 
ette Valley, a setting of tall trees, 
clean air and old buildings. 

| arrived a few days before school 
started, to work out with the cross- 
country team. | was a walk-on for a 
team whose members included three 
future Olympians and whose famous 
coach was developing national cham- 
pions from unlikely sources. 

I hadn't run a lot over the summer. 
In high school I never put in that 
much effort, but still I had managed 
to do fairly well and had been a favor- 


ite of my high school coach. My plan 
was simple: | would work hard after 
| got to school, and | would again be 
one of the coach's favorites. He would 
put his arm around me and guide me 
to track-and-field greatness. 

The Oregon coach was, of course, 
Bill Bowerman, who was in the process 
of developing more sub-four-minute 
milers than anyone had yet produced 
in the history of track and field. The 
world didn't know that then, but 
some of us suspected it. That is why 
we were there. 

On the first day, he sent me out on 
a “long slow run" through the hills of 
ihe Laurelwood Golf Course with Bill 
Dellinger. | was thrilled just to meet 
Dellinger. He had come out of Spring- 
field, Oregon, and despite being too 


Above: Bill Bowerman. Opposite: Bowerman with his student Dyrol Burleson, the second American to break the four-minute mile. 


‘STILL ШЕЕ PHOTO BY JANES IMBROGNO 


70 


short and too slow he had shocked the track-and-field world to 
win the NCAA mile championship as a sophomore, 15 months 
before my arrival. Now | was running alongside him. 

Well, the thrill was over quickly. Dellinger ran the dozen hills. 1 
ran three of them. While he was never anything less than encour- 
aging to me in running, his teammate and fraternity brother Jim 
Bailey had beaten him in the NCAA mile the previous year, and 
he was not about to lose to Bailey again. So he certainly wasn't 
going to ease up on a workout to please a walk-on. 

At the top of the third hill, | was spent and panted something 
like “I'm not quite ready for this." At least | didn't blame a 
pulled muscle. I limped back to the dressing room, startled 
by its emptiness. What 30 minutes before had been alive and 
expectant was now quiet. The street clothes of other runners 


Bowerman the teacher (clockwise from left): with the legendary Steve Prefontaine, with | 
Nike's Phil Knight (fourth from right). with the Multnomah Athletic Club (back. far left). 


who were still working out hung limply from hooks on the wall. 
The coach was nct in sight, but for the first time 1 could feel 
his presence when he wasn't there. | could hear his grim voice 
saying, “If you don't like this feeling, don't come unprepared. 
This will not be easy.” 

| saw that moment as the end of a painful three-mile. It 
didn't occur to me that it was also the start of a long journey. 
On the first day of my college education | learned you could 
have а conversation with an empty room. 

Bowerman was unique. He lived by a code: He would not 
be a bad father or husband; he would not have a beer with his 
athletes or even in front of them. He quoted scripture—usually 
incorrectly, but he made his point. Frequently he would tilt 
his head back in thought and scratch his neck just under the 
chin; that was a signal to look out. The ultimate running shoe, 


in his opinion, was a nail through the foot. but those kids of 
the 1950s were just too soft to put up with that. 

He was attitude dressed as a man—broad shoulders, erect 
posture and of course that stare, a part of him still the Army 
major who had captured a German division. He was an edu- 
cated man capable of impressive use of the English language. 
1 heard him give a lot of good talks to high schools and com- 
munity gatherings. But he chose to educate me and my team- 
mates by making effective use of silence. 

Before our first cross-country competition against intrastate 
rival Oregon State and several other schools, we fidgeted in 
that same dressing room, which would be our home for four 
years, waiting for final words from the coach. “We” included two 
national champions and five freshmen. | was very nervous and 
very curious about the coach's pep talk. 

He took forever to come into the 
room. All the while, | glanced around, 
my leg shaking. 

Finally he showed. After a long pause 
he said, “! want you freshmen to under- 
stand that there is something different 
about competing against Oregon State.” 
Then he walked out of the room. Bill Bow- 
erman, master of the unspoken pep talk. 

Bailey and Dellinger stared at the 
freshmen, making sure we understood. 
Then they walked out, and the hairs on 
the back of my neck stood up. 

We slaughtered them. | was seventh 
for the team and 10th overall, beating 
Frank Moore of Oregon State, who had 
beaten me in the state high school meet 
the previous spring. 

As a freshman | had a lot of trouble 
adapting; the food, long homework assign- 
ments and a roommate who never agreed 
about when the windows should be open 
or closed didn't help. But one thing соп- 
stantly made it more difficult: him. 

I had wanted to please, but he wouldn't 
let me. He was contrary about everything, 
and that first year felt a lot like hazing: 
He scheduled six л.м. workouts and made 
us run daily doubles, unheard of at the 
time. He wrote out personalized workouts 
for everybody—harder ones for great run- 
ners, building up to hard for wannabes. 
He mimeographed the days of the week 
in green ink on yellow paper, then pen- 
Ciled in what you were to do: 400 at 
:64; 4x800 at :66" and so on, writing in a way that mimicked 
how he talked—gruffly, illegibly. For no reason at all he would 
assign extra workouts, then cancel one that had been sched- 
uled. He criticized me if | was five minutes late for practice, 
even though all the workouts were personalized anyway. 

Although he would occasionally yell, at heart he was not 
a shouter. He could make you mad at him without raising 
his voice at all. 

"Who's the coach of this team?" he would ask when I gave 
him a doubting look. 

"What is this, Beast Barracks?" | wanted to answer, but 
1 knew that would get me kicked off the team forever. He 
kicked a national-class sprinter off the team for "interfering 
with my right to enjoy coaching." For a time there was a bet- 
ter track team on campus made (continued on page 120) 


I wanted to please him, 


but he wouldn't let me. 


He was contrary about everything. 


"I don't really think of us as а couple...we’re more like one shy of a threesome." 


71 


AND NOW FOR SOMETHING 


COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.. 


анан THIS YEAR'S 
| MOTORCYCLE ARE 
$OME UNIQUE 
OUT-OF-THE-BOX 

ДЕ“ ~ RIDES. HOLD 
ON TO YOUR 
HELMET—WE 

a DIDN'T SEE THESE 
BIKES COMING 


Вои. ULysses XB12X 
(511,500) What it is: 
An adventure tourer 
or, as designer Erik 
Buell colls it, a touring 
supermotard. What 
you notice: How free 
you are. The ultimate 
street fighter-hooligan 
bike-wheelie mochine 
is a dual-purpose mo- 
torcycle that keeps 
riding when the pove- 

ment ends. Though a 
street bike, it can attack 
dirt roads with ferocity. 
The engine, suspension 
and tires are tuned and 
fit to hondle a bumpy 

ride. (The Kevlar belt 
drive is bombproof.) 
The numbers: This bike 
gets 103 hp from its 
1,203 cc engine and 
enough torque to turn 
the planet. Where to be 
seen: Thirty-five per- 
cent of American roads 
are unpaved. Buell 
gives you the keys 
to that playground. 


BY-JAMES R. PETERSEN 


L Scrap What it is: A 
modern classic. What you notice: The combi- 
nation of hip retro styling and contemporary 
Triumph performance. The small headlight, 
chromed high-level twin-exhaust tailpipe, 
single-clock speedometer, skid plate and flat 
seat are all reminiscent of the 1960s, when 


Steve McQueen jumped a barbed-wire fence 
on two wheels in The Great Escape. The num- 
bers: A thoroughly modern 865 cc engine will 
zip you around at a speedy clip. It delivers 
54 hp at 7,000 rpm. Where to be seen: Cam- 
puses, cafes, bookstores and POW camps. 


) What 
it is: Denver-based designer Don Atchison calls 
the Heretic о handmode high-performance 
street machine. What you notice: The killer styl- 
ing. Driving through the industrial parks of Long 
Beach, California, a backdrop straight out of 
Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas, we turned more 
heads than Carmen Electra would. Almost. The 
numbers: Other than the price? The 107-cubic- 
inch V-twin Patrick racing engine pumps out 125 
hp and 125 foot-pounds of torque. This bike is 
not for novices—it has the kick of a handgun. 
Where to be seen: Wherever there's pavement. 


What it is: Arguably 
the most advanced production sport bike on 
earth. What you notice: The R6 has the sleek 
Yamaha bodywork that is art in motion. The 
numbers: This bike's tachometer redlines 
at 17,500. rpm. Not even Valentino Rossi's 
MotoGP engine turns that fast. The R6’s engine 


peaks at 133 hp. The shriek begins around 
10,000 rpm, but that may be the sound com- 
ing from i your helmet. Where to be seen: 
Around town the ride is silky smooth, but this 
bike belongs on the track. Notice the eas- 
йу removable taillight-license plate holder. 


What it is: Mean. 
Yov're looking at the most powerful boxer twin 
engine ever. What you notice: The S model is 
defiantly unadorned. It would be sacrilegious 
to obscure the slender lines with saddlebags. 
This is not a staid tour bike; it's a serious tool. It 
offers the kind of escape velocity thot can come 
in handy. The numbers: 122 hp in a 419-pound, 
pure hot-rod package. Zero to 60 goes by in 
3.15 seconds. Where to be seen: At the head 
of the pack. Check out the neat LED taillight 
and the underseat exhaust pipe. On the road, 
that's what your biker pals will be looking at. 


Manter.Davioson Screamin’ Eao.e V.Ron Dreraoves (521,250) What it is: A turnkey drag bike. It is not street legal. What 
you notice: The noise, for starters. Eighty decibels is an act of God. The straight pipes ore like percussion caps. The first time 
we heard bike fire up, we thought we'd been shot. The numbers: With help from the Screamin' Eagle/Vance and Hines 
championship drag-racing team, Horley tweaked the Porsche-designed V-Rod engine to get 165 hp (up from 115 hp on the 
production V-Rod). The bike does a sub-10-second quarter mile. It'll be the hairiest nine seconds of your life. Where to be 
seen: Thursday test-and-tune nights at your local drog strip or any АН Harley Drag Racing Associotion-sanctioned event. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARD IZUI 


PLAYBOY 


76 


DICH CHENEY 


(continued from page 54) 
those groups from the Kurds in the 
north. Meanwhile, on Capitol Hill, the 
respected Democratic congressman 
Jack Murtha had just called for the 
pullout of U.S. troops. 

Neither Cheney's office nor my boss 
had mentioned Iraq as a stop on the 
vice president's itinerary, but in ret- 
rospect I should have seen it coming. 
With the Iraqi elections just behind us 
and echoes from the Murtha debate 
still reverberating in Washington, it was 
natural enough that Cheney would, en 
route to visiting troops in Afghanistan 
and Pakistan, also make a holiday stop 
in Iraq. He was by that point the only 
major figure in the Bush administra- 
tion who hadn't been there since the 
invasion; his only previous visit had 
been in March 1991, shortly after the 
end of the Fersian Gulf war, when he 
was secretary of defense under the first 
president Bush. A tour of the theater 
would help advance several critical 
goals: bucking up the morale of U.S. 
troops, demonstrating to Americans 
watching TV at home that progress 
was indeed being made in both the 
training of Iraqi forces and the gradual 
transfer of security responsibility from 
American to Iraqi hands, and perhaps 
manufacturing some positive press for 
Cheney himself. 

He could have used some good press. 
The same day as the Iraqi elections, The 
New York Times revealed that President 
Bush had signed an executive order in 
2002 authorizing the National Security 
Agency to monitor wiretaps installed 
without a warrant. Amid the ensuing 
Beltway uproar over domestic spying 
and a flurry of Democratic charges 
alleging that Bush was exercising 
unchecked executive power, Cheney, as 
always, rose to the presidenr's defense. 
"The vice presidentalso played the heavy 
in a recent debate over interrogation 
limits and the legal definition of torture 
when he sought to carve out exceptions 
for the CIA in pending legislation on 
the subject. Cheney's aides reckoned 
televised images of their man and the 
missus mingling with 615 in Iraq and 
Afghanistan at Christmastime would 
help dispel the popular caricature of 
the vice president as a ruthless back- 
stage puppeteer of President Bush. 

Queuing up to board Air Force Tivo at 
Andrews Air Force Base, the reporters 
circulated rumors about Cheney mak- 
ing a surprise visit to Iraq and steeled 
themselves for the survivalist exercise 
that lay ahead: We would be up for 
at least the next 30 hours. This was a 
smaller press contingent than on the 
2002 trip; the only returning veterans 
were myself and Terry Moran, who 


had recently been elevated from the 
ranks of White House correspondents 
to become one of three anchors suc- 
ceeding Ted Koppel on Nightline. The 
only other TV reporter was CNN's 
Dana Bash; the usual complement of 
wire service reporters—Nedra Pickler 
of the Associated Press, Toby Zakaria 
of Reuters—was joined by correspon- 
dents from The New York Times (the 
lanky, dry-witted Dick Stevenson), The 
Washington Times (the lanky, dry-witted 
Bill Sammon) and National Public 
Radio (the stocky, dry-witted David 
Greene). Also present was Stephen 
Hayes of The Weekly Standard. Cheney 
has occasionally touted the conserva- 
tive magazine and the shrewd, affable, 
goateed Hayes in particular; Hayes is 
writing a biography of Cheney and is 
one of the few reporters still pursuing 
one of Cheney's favorite stories: docu- 
mentary evidence of pre-9/11 links 
between Hussein and Al Qaeda. 

Hayes's presence on the trip bespoke 
the influence Cheney's staff can have on 
what is otherwise a largely rote formula. 
The matter of which news organizations 
will fill the seats on a VIP trip fluctuates 
and rotates in accordance with arcane 
rites and rituals established after the 
Kennedy assassination and known 
only to designated White House staff 
members, D.C. bureau chiefs of the 
major news organizations and a hand- 
ful of veteran news managers. These 
people specialize in running the pool, 
the collaborative entity through which 
the major news organizations share the 
costs and privileges associated with cov- 
ering high-level Washington. (The wire 
services and print organizations each 
have their own rotating pools.) Tom 
Tillman of CBS, Vija Udenans of ABC, 
Wendy Dawson at Fox News—these 
names likely mean nothing to you, 
but in the obscure realm of poolology, 
they are revered figures, holy clerics, 
virtual gods! If you saw the president 
on the news last night, chances are one 
of these people, or their colleagues and 
counterparts at the other networks, 
arranged the satellite feed and other 
complex logistics that brought the foot- 
age to your TV set. 

As Air Force Рио descended into Royal 
Air Force Station Mildenhall in the 
U.K., a senior administration official, or 
SAO, formally informed us we would 
be making three stops in Iraq. None of 
that could be reported, however, until 
Cheney's staff gave the go-ahead for us 
to file at the third and last stop, and 
even then the location of the third stop 
could not be reported until we had 
arrived at the next stop, which was Mus- 
cat, Oman. The reporters barked out a 
number of clarifying questions, angling 
to make sure they would not be scooped 
by local media, but the SAO's implicit 


central assertion—that we were obli- 
gated to abide by the rules Cheney's 
people laid down—was not disputed. 
Breaking the rules of the house, in this 
case the White House, was unthinkable 
for a number of reasons. For one thing, 
we were at war, and the security con- 
cerns invoked to justify these mild 
restrictions on the press were undoubt- 
edly legitimate. Second, the offending 
reporter and his organization could be 
blackballed from future VIP trips and 
face (even harsher) reprisals from 
other members of the pool. Last but 
not least, there was the unavoidable 
fact—also never mentioned in polite 
company—that Air Force Two was 
Cheney's plane, and if you ticked him 
off, or his peeps, finding your way 
home could prove problematic. 


We reached Mildenhall in the dead 
of night. There the whole entourage 
deplaned and ran 100 yards across the 
chilly tarmac to clamber aboard a wait- 
ing C-17. Eight hours later we were at 
Baghdad International Airport, squint- 
ing at the sun, donning body armor 
and green Kevlar helmets and board- 
ing Black Hawks. 
Our aerial tour of Baghdad revealed 
a surprisingly busy city, a sprawling 
metropolis filled with palm trees, build- 
ings and cars, her ruins scattered, not 
pervasive. We alighted in the Green 
Zone. There we boarded a convoy of 
security vans that snaked through a 
maze of concrete barriers and concer- 
tina wire, 0.5. soldiers with automatic 
rifles seemingly every five feet. Finally 
we arrived at our first stop, the offi- 
cial residence of the U.S. ambassador 
to Iraq, Zalmay Khalilzad. Word had 
it the heavily fortified home, with tall 
Arabian archways and columns painted 
a sickly tapioca, used to belong to Uday 
Hussein's mother-in-law. Inside the 
sparsely furnished house, Cheney was 
to conduct an hour-long briefing with 
generals Abizaid and Casey, the war's 
top commanders, followed by sepa- 
rate meetings with Iraq's president, 
Jalal Talabani, and its prime minister, 
Ibrahim al-Jaafari. At the beginning 
of each session, the media was allowed 
to "spray" the scene with cameras and 
record the inconsequential dialogue 
that often prevails in BOPSA (bunch of 
people sitting around) photo ops. 
Pseudoevents like these underscore 
the uneasy relationship, at once adver- 
saria] and symbiotic, between public offi- 
cials and the press. Кері at a physical 
distance, herded like cats, reporters are 
often made to feel like the kitchen help 
at a black-tie party: inferior, under- 
dressed, sometimes vexing creatures, 
present solely by dint of their hosts’ 
(continued on page 128) 


“T's а new version of ‘King Kong’ and I play the ape..." 


Miss May is a subject 
worthy of advanced study 


IDEAL 


Waite 


he’s youthful, vibrant, full of energy and about 

to graduate with a master's degree from PLAYBOY- 

accredited party school San Diego State University. 

The last subject you might guess 24-year-old Alison 
Waite would specialize in is gerontology, the study ofaging— 
that is, until you hear about the super octogenarian who 
inspires her. “My grandmother is my number one supporter 
and has always represented fun in my life,” says Alison, “This 
is a woman who wore pink hot pants to my mom's gradu- 
ation and has a sweatshirt that reads, How THE HELL DID 1 
GET THIS OLD? When I was in college my grandma would 
send little packages to me at the dorms with holiday-themed 
thongs or G-strings inside. She got a kick out of it. I got into 
this field partly because I think it's very important to live a 
full and meaningful life by continuing to do the things we 
enjoyed when we were younger.” 

Although studies are her top priority, Miss May admits 
with a mischievous grin that it wasn't always so. “In high 
school I was more preoccupied with boys and didn't apply 
myself,” she says. When asked what a man needs to lure 
her away from her books, Ms. Waite is quick with a reply. “I 
want someone to challenge me and make me want to be а 
better person—someone I can haye a conversation with. And 
there's something sexy about a guy who can cook, because I 
like to eat. I don't care if it’s just an omelet.” As it turns out, 
food has been good to Alison; waiting tables at Hooters not 
only financed her way through college but also got her into 
a Playboy Mansion party. There she met Kimberly Conrad 
Hefner, who lives next door to the Mansion and remains 
dose to Hef. “She asked if I was a Playmate, and I said I was 
just there for the evening. She smiled and said, ‘Oh no. You 
should pose.’ She set up a meeting, and here I am. What a 
fluke coincidence! I think she is phenomenal.” 

Our cover girl explains that she likes to work hard and 
play hard and that this balance is the key to life. “1 can't do 
anything halfway—it's all or nothing,” she says. "My way 
of relaxing is to go to the beach with my pug, Makoa; his 
name is Hawaiian for ‘courageous warrior. " As Alison hap- 
pily plays in the sand with her little warrior pup, we can't. 
help but think that this insightful, down-to-carth young 
woman will, like her grandmother, be content at any age. 
Still, vhen we ask her when she would stop the clock if she 
could take a magic pill that would keep her the same age 
forever, she doesn't miss a bear. “Right now,” she says. “I'm 
just thrilled about this ride I'm on." 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY 
STEPHEN WAYDA AND ARNY FREYTAG 


“Гуе always wanted to pose for PLAYBOY,” 
says Miss May, who lives in San Diego 
with her younger sister, a synchronized 
swimmer. “I didn't have any apprehen- 
sions about taking off my clothes for the 
camera. I'm nol shy at all." 


ЕГЕ 
ШІШ a. 


PLAYMATE DATA SHEET 


are; ALISON NYE 

BUST: aye WAIST: 2А НІР5: Se _ 
HEIGHT: So” WEIGHT y MAS __ 
BIRTH рате» ПАО | BIRTHPLACE: LOS мло, CNE 
AMBITIONS: LEON GRADSATIONS E WE YO TENA THE WALD 
лобе PRNO DITIONAL AADUN T SID] MEDION. 
TURN-ONs ; ANIMAL ры, Ced» CONNERSKTION, SINCE, 
OPTIMISM , SPONTRRZIT/ 4 ОМИ NACION. 
Turnorrs: CLOSED МАМЫ, OFTIGIT, \NDIETZRENT n 
ANGIE”, INOUE F4 seits РОСИ. 

TV SHOWS I CAN'T vss; ORION , амома АСЕ 
ТНЕ ВЕЅТ dii dpi 100 моб то ner Ye BAL EYED үйе, RIZ + 
-ENZN-E (AMIE tiic NUTT”) ND SAME LATE cis GED MAPPER. 
FAVORITE AUTHOR AND WHY: SHEL SINERSTEIN” Menos! 

ғдуовтте sport: МАСАМА ANS) IU. FORT EXC MES ме! 

MY PHILOSOPHY: UE Не, PLR! HARD) AND ONE MUST 
ллу RENS ose; NOT FINAL, FLUE 15 NOT 


FATAL, IT IS THE COURAGE XO CONTINUE HAT CONS] 


PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES 


А kindergarten class was given a homework 
assignment to find out about something excit- 
ing and relate it to the class the next day. When 
the time came to present what they'd found, 
the first little boy walked up to the front of the 
class and made à small dot on the blackboard. 
Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was. 

"It's a period,” said the boy. 

"What's so exciting about a period?" she 
asked. 

*Damned if I know,” said the boy, “but 
this morning my sister was missing one, my 
mom fainted, my dad had a heart attack, 
and the man next door shot himself." 


E 
a 
(a cC 


ZA 
D 


А man met a blonde іп a bar, and after а 
few drinks they went back to her place and 
had wild, passionate sex. "I guess that was 
just about the best sex you ever had," he said 
when they were done. 

"What makes you say that?" she asked. 

"Well," he replied, "while we were doing it, I 
couldn't help notice how I made your toes curl." 

“ОБ,” she said, “that was just because most 
men take off my panty hose first.” 


God," said Adam, “why did you make Eve 
so beautiful?” 

"So you would love her," God replied. 

"But why did you make her so dumb?" 
пата, 

"So she would love you," God answered. 


How are drunk women and old bumper stick- 
ers alike? 
They're both hard to get off. 


A guy came home carly one day from work 
and heard weird sounds coming from his bed- 
room. When he went upstairs he found his 
wife on the bed naked and sweating. 

“What the hell is going on?” he said. 

“I'm having a heart attack,” she stammered. 

He ran downstairs and dialed 911. As he 
was doing this, his young son ran up and said, 
“Daddy, Uncle Tommy 5 upstairs hiding in 
the closet, and he's naked.” 

The father slammed the phone down and 
ran upstairs to find his brother. “What the 
hell are you doing?" he screamed. “My wife 
is having a heart attack, and you're running 
around naked, scaring the kids!” 


What's the difference between a woman in 
church and a woman in the bathtub? 
One has hope in her soul 


А man came back from a long business trip to 
find his son had a new $300 mountain bike. 

“How'd you get that, son?" he asked. 

“By hiking," the son replied. 

M ing?" the father asked. 

“Yeah,” the son said. "Mom's boss came over 
every night and gave me $20 to take a hike." 


А man took his blind date to the carnival. 
“What would you like to do first?" he asked. 

"I want to get weighed," she said. 

They ambled over to the weight guesser. The 
carny guessed 120 pounds. When she got on 
the scale, it read ns and she won a prize. 

Next the couple went on the Ferris wheel. 
When the ride was over, the man again asked 
his date what she would like to do. ^I want to 
get weighed," she replied. 

Back to the weight guesser they went. Since 
they had been there before, the carny guessed 
her weight correctly, and the man lost his dollar. 

"The couple walked around the carnival, and 
again he asked where to go next. "I want to get. 
weighed," she responded. By this time the man 
figured she was weird and took her home early, 
dropping her off with a handshake. 

“How'd it go?" her roommate asked. 

She responded, “ОВ, Waura, it was wousy.” 


- да. 


Sex is like a card game. 1£ you don't have а 
good partner, you'd better have a good hand. 


Did you hear about the woman who went on 
a fishing trip with five guys? 
She came back with a big red snapper. 


A boy was playing with himself in his room 
so loudly that his father walked in and said, 
"Son, if you don't stop doing that, you're 
going to go blind." 

The boy responded, "Dad, I’m over here.” 


Send your jokes to Party Jokes Editor, PLAYBOY, 
730 Fifth Avenue, New York, New York 10019, or 
by e-mail through our website al jokes.playboy.com. 
PLAYBOY will pay 8100 to the contributors whose sub- 
missions are selected. 


91 


him back to the bunkhouse 
inks he loves his horse.” 


Ye 


In this scene you bri 
and prove he just t 


92 


HIS SON MAY ВЕ A JUNKIE, А DROPOUT 
AND A LIAR, BUT IS HE A MURDERER? 


Fiction by JOYCE CAROL DATES 


SUICIDE 
WATCH 


f you could tell me where Kenny is." 

It was a matter of trust. He wanted to believe this. A 

father, а son in trouble. A father in his mid-50s, with 

obvious resources. A father who'd terminated a busi- 
ness trip to Seattle to fly to Philadelphia to help a trou- 
bled son. A father saying, "It's a matter of trust. If you 
could tell me where Kenny is." 

He was careful not to say /f you could tell us. For us 
would imply that the father was speaking on behalf of 
others. /f you could tell me. 

"And where Christa is." 

Kenny, the missing grandson, was two years, three 
months old. He was "missing" in the sense that no one 
seemed to know where he was. The missing mother, 
Christa, wasn't a daughter-in-law because she and the 
son, Seth, weren't married. Seth was 28, Christa was a 
year or two younger. 

"Seth? I mean, if there's any need for trust. If you are 
in danger..." 

Slowly the son shook his head. Slowly his eyes lifted to 
the father's eyes. There was something wrong with the 
son's eyes: deep-set in their sockets, bloodshot, with а 
peculiar smudged glare like worn Plexiglas. The son's soot- 
colored hair was disheveled and matted, and his jaws were 
covered in stubble. The father took comfort in the fact that 
the son wasn't handcuffed or shackled to the table. 

None of the other inmate-patients in the visitors' lounge, 
so far as the father had noticed, appeared to be restrained. 
Several were very large men. Like them, the son was wear- 
ing prison-issue clothing: pebble-gray shirt, gray sweat- 
pants with an elastic waistband. The son was allowed to 
wear his own shoes, rotted-looking running shoes, minus 
laces. The son had been taken "forcibly" into police custody 
and remanded to the Philadelphia House of Detention for 
Men, psychiatric ward. a minimum of 48 hours observation, 
evaluation, round-the-clock suicide watch. 


ILLUSTRATION BY JOROIN ISP 


Suicide watch. For the son's forearms had been 
crudely slashed and bleeding when he'd been 
taken into police custody and it hadn't been clear 
from his dazed and incoherent account if he'd 
inflicted the wounds himself. 

Both forearms, wayward geshes that hadn't sev- 
ered any arteries. The father had been informed: 
In a normal state an individual probably couldn't 
slash both arms in such a way, but in an abnormal 
state—drug psychosis, mania—it could be done. 

There were also minor burns on the son's fin- 
gers, the backs of both hands, his ankles. These 
were unexplained too. 

The father tried not to stare at the son's ban- 
daged arms. The father tried not to stare at an 
open sore on the son's upper lip. The father heard 
himself saying, calmly, "I mean, if there's danger 
in your immediate circumstances. Anyone who 
might want to hurt you, or..." The father wasn't 
sure what he was saying. He might have meant 
that the son might be in danger inside the deten- 
tion facility or would be in danger when he was 


HE'D BEEN SHOWN POLARDIOS AND 
BEEN STUNNED 8Y WHAT HE SAW. EVI- 
ОЕМСЕ OF HIS SON'S MADNESS. SICKNESS. 


released. The father might have been speaking 
not of the son but of the two-year-old grandson 
and of Christa. The father was distracted by the 
Son's breath, fetid as liguidy tar in which some- 
thing had died and was decomposing. 

"Hey, Dad: Who in hell'd want to hurt me?" 

The son made a wheezing noise like laughter. 
The son wes picking at the sore on his upper lip. 
Thumped one of his bandaged arms against the 
edge of the table. It was wrapped in soiled white 
gauze that looked as if it were leaking blood. 

At least the son was speaking coherently. And 
the son had decided to speak to the father. 

For the father had been warned by the resident 
psychiatrist that the son may not make sense or 
might refuse to speak at all. The son was joking, 
the father supposed. The son had, since child- 
hood, cultivated a style of droll deadpan jokes to 
entertain, confound and dismay selected elders. 
The kind of joke that depended upon an expres- 
Sion of mock innocence. The kind of joke that 
hurts to tell (you had to assume) and hurts to 
hear. In this case the father interpreted the son's 
joke to mean: Who in hell'd want to hurt me, I'm 
past hurting. 

Or: Who іп hell'd want to hurt me, 1 сап do 
that myself. 

Or: Who in hell'd want to hurt me, I'm shit. 

Of course it was the grandson, the two-year-old, 
of whom the father was thinking. On whose behalf 
the father was anxious. His only grandson, “miss- 
ing." But believed to be in Philadelphia. Very likely, 
west Philadelphia. Two-year-old Kenny, whose 
name the father could scarcely speak without fal- 
tering. Halfway thinking Kenny was his son. 

His son. As his son was meant to be. 


“...a matter of trust, Seth. You know you сап 
trust me." 

For Seth had been questioned by police 
officers, and Seth had said repeatedly that he 
had “по idea" where his son was, where the 
son's mother was. “No idea" why neighbors on 
S. 43rd Street had called police to report what 
appeared to be a domestic disturbance. Why 
he'd been "forcibly arrested" at three o'clock 
in the morning, shirtless and barefoot and cov- 
ered in blood from gashes in both his forearms, 
outside the row house on S. 43rd Street where 
he'd been living with his son and the young 
women named Christa. 

Nor had Seth any idea of what had happened 
inside the house. The overflowing tub in the bath- 
room on the second floor, water so scalding hot 
its steam had caused paint to blister and peel off 
the ceiling and walls, plastic fixtures to melt. On 
the landing outside the bathroom, on the stairs, 
scalding hot water had done more damage, and 
in the kitchen raw garbage floated in puddles. 
Police officers reported drug paraphernalia, 
broken glass and broken toys, sodden clothes. 
Bloodstains, human vomit. Cockroaches. 

Where was the two-year-old child amid the 
wreckage? Where was the child's mother? 

“Missing.” 

Painful for the father to utter the name: Kenny. 

"Seth, if you could tell me. Where Kenny is. If...” 

Seth he could utter. Niorde, Seth M. He'd 
become accustomed to Niorde, Seth M. asa 
name that might require being stated in the way 
you might state the name of a recurring illness, 
а chronic condition. At the reception desk, stat- 
ing the purpose of his visit. Niorde, Laurence C. 
Father. Eager to provide a driver's license, a pass- 
port. For the father was а businessman-traveler 
who carried his passport with him much of the 
time, for he traveled frequently by air. Domestic 
flights, transatlantic. 

Mr. Niorde, wait here. He'd waited. 

He wasn't shown the police report, but he was 
informed of its contents, which seemed to him 
confusing, inconclusive. He'd been shown Pola- 
roids of the interior of the row house at 1189 S. 
43rd Street and he'd been stunned by what he 
Saw. Evidence of his son's madness. Sickness. In 
one of the photos what appeared to be a small 
lifeless body broken like a toy amid the water- 
Soaked debris. 

"Oh my God. Oh." 

Of course, it wasn't. Looking more closely he 
saw that it was just twisted sodden clothing, 
possibly e child's. 

Still, the father had been badly frightened. He had 
not expected to be so badly frightened, so soon. 

Telling himself, /t's just the beginning. This 
Journey. 

He was led through the security checkpoint. 
He smiled; he was eager to comply. It wasn't 
so very different from airport security, to which 
he was accustomed. He tried not to observe 
that he was the (continued on page 143) 


The Things People Say 


са дан И UAC THEY Rb KEAN TS, "HONEY, 
WI THEY ЖҮ 15 Do if Ay HIGHT AND FW SAVE 
HRE NME ا‎ pu 
HONEY, Vets STAY 


iH TONIGHT AND 
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PLAYBOY RECOMMENDS 


BETTER FASHION 


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AMERICAN MEN ARE WEALTHY, POWERFUL AND CREATIVE, BUT 
WHEN IT COMES TO STYLE, MOST ARE LESS THAN WORLD-CLASS. 
A PLAYBOY MANIFESTO ON OVERCOMING THE FASHION DEFICIT 


ast year Americans spent more than $52 bil 


ion on men's apparel. 


That's a sizable chunk of change and one that should reasonably 
produce an attractive return on investment in terms of how we look. 
Unfortunately that isn't the case. While a minority of men in the U.5. 

have learned to make clothes work for them—those paying attention to 
PLAvBOv, for example—the typical male is a lost soul when it comes to per- 
sonal style. Fortunately all is not lost. By following pLayeoy’s nine-step recovery 


program, Americans too 


Nothing exposes the general slovenliness of American men 
like traveling abroad. Treading through Tokyo, one sees legions 
of salarymen decked out in proper suits, as well as side streets 
teeming with stylish hipsters. Italians have long lived by the 
credo of bella figura, which pervades all aspects of life and is 
just one reason the country is such a beautiful place to visit. 
And the influence of Savile Row on the generally polished 
English is as strong as it was during the 19th century. 

In contrast, one can easily spot Americans in any airport or 
tourist trap. Just look for the walking piles of laundry: lumpy 
khakis, rumpled sport coats and oversize sweatshirts. 

The underlying reason for the disparity? Cultural perspec- 


can join the ranks of sharply dressed men everywhere. 


FASHION BY JOSEPH DE ACETIS 
PHOTOGRAPHY BY KARIN KOHLBERG 


а Stately fashion like this is an anom- 
aly stateside. Europeans use the 
"critical V," where the suit, shirt, tie and 
pocket square intersect, to build looks. 
Many Americans don't even know it exists. 


FIGHT FASHION BASHING. GOOD CLOTHING IS PART OF AN ASPIRATIONAL 
ATTITUDE THAT CAN MAKE LIFE RICHER AND MORE ENJOYABLE. 


tive. While many societies embrace personal style as a means 
to enrich people's lives, American men tend to view it as triv- 
ial or effete. And the fashion industry does little to challenge 
that opinion. Dressing stylishly is not Sudoku, despite the 
apparent complexities of Karl Lagerfeld's getups. It's more 
like appreciating fine wine: It can be somewhat intimidating 
at first, but once you get the hang of it, a whole world of 
pleasure opens up—a world previous generations of men nav- 
igated with aplomb. Style is an integral part of living well, а 
worthwhile luxury on a par with French cooking. fine furnish- 
ings, convertibles and beautiful women. Of course, some guys 
don't care for any of those things, either. But that's their loss. 


FASHION 


STEP 2 


IGNORE THE WHOLE- 
SALE DECLINE OF 
SARTORIAL STAN- 
DARDS. JUST BECAUSE 
DILBERT IN THE 
NEXT CUBICLE LOOKS 
LIKE CRAP DOESN'T 
MEAN YOU HAVE TO. 


Bill Downes, a 25-year 
veteran menswear buyer 
at Wilkes Bashford, the 
San Francisco specialty 
store, blames the counter- 
cultural movement of the 
1960s for sounding the 
original death knell for 
American elegance. But 
at least those tie-dyed 
flower children had a socio- 
political message in their 
antiestablishment garb. 
Nowadays laziness under- 
pins most mele sloppiness. 

Whereas previous gen- 
erations wouldn't have 
left the house without a 
proper hat and tailored 
jacket, guys today traipse 
into theaters and fine res- 
taurants in jeans and 
sport shirts. “That's ap- 
palling,” says Downes 
“Most of the theatergoing 
public looks as if they 
should be sitting at home 
watching television.” 

While no one expects 
men to revive the Cary 
Grant look іп toto. dress- 
ing appropriately pays 
dividends personally and 
professionally. 

“Business casual is to 
men's style today as the 
black plague was to the 
Middle Ages,” declares de- 
signer Joseph Abboud. “It 
destroyed dressing stan- 
dards, and | don’t think 
we've recovered from it” 

That's why, after a brief 
dalliance with business 
casual in the 1990s, many 
companies—especially 
those, such as banks and 
law firms, that rely on 
the special confidence of 
clients—reinstated tra- 
ditional corporate dress 
codes. It's time for every- 
one else to follow suit. 


Memo: Casual Fri- 
days are officially 
off the calendar. Suit 


($3,095) by Giorgio Armani, 
sweater ($520) by Salvatore 
Ferragamo, shirt ($99) and 
tie ($99) by Charles Tyr- 
whitt, pocket square ($75) 
by Luigi Borrelli, watch 
($2,295) by Оп and shoes 
($297) by Church & Co. 


FROM TOP: Shades should fit your face's frame; sun- 

glasses ($400) by Oliver Peoples by Larry Leight. 
Pocket squares add panache; tie ($125) and pocket square 
(565) by Best of Class by Robert Talbott. Stripes work well on 
stripes; shirt ($225) by Best of Class by Robert Talbott and suit 
($3,690) by Luigi Borrelli. Pants require only a single break. 


Even the best-dressed man 
seizes the chance to keep learn- 
ing. Reading this magazine 
regularly, of course, will help. 
The photos at left, for example, 
illustrate some key rules for 
choosing a well-appointed look. 

But you don't have to take it 
just from us. If you admire some- 
one's style, don't be afraid to ask 
him for advice or a short list of 
his favorite designers. He'll be 
flattered, says Michael Macko, 
men's fashion director at Saks 
Fifth Avenue. "Just don't start 
wearing all the same outfits he 
does, or you'll remind him of Sin- 
gle White Female," Macko warns. 

The nuances of style don't 
come overnight. Rather, acquiring 
them is a lifelong pursuit, which 
is part of the challenge. You'll be 
refining your tastes and prefer- 
ences over decades, constantly 


A trip to a great men's store is an 
eye-opening experience. While 
big department stores and chain 
retailers provide a wide selec- 
tion and are convenient places to 
shop, independent men's stores 
tend to stock unique products 
and hire a knowledgeable sales 
staff. Here you're more likely to 
get individual attention from 
someone who truly knows the 
merchandise and can devote 
some real time to helping you. 
"The people who work in these 
stores like fashion, and they en- 
joy turning people on to it," says 


Last year about 47 billion 
pieces of men's clothing were 
sold in the U.S. Inexpensive 
Asian production and high- 
tech supply chains have made 
it easy to churn out massive 
quantities of garments. Retail- 
ers boost turnover by empha- 
sizing quantity over quality, 
and America's consumer cul- 
ture has happily embraced this 
mode! of disposability. 

"In Europe customers buy 
less but choose better quality, 
and they look better for it,” says 
Downes. “Americans have big 
sliding-door closets packed full 
of absolutely nothing.” 


LEARN TO EMBRACE THE FUNDAMEN- 
TAL CONVENTIONS OF STYLE. 


building on what you've learned. 
"It's sort of like cooking,” explains 
Wilkes Bashford's Downes. 

And as with cooking, once 
you know the accepted con- 
ventions, you can start break- 
ing with them. After all, most 
people wouldn't make ice cream 
with mustard, but that hasn't 
stopped the adventurous chefs 
at New York's WD-50 restaurant 
from doing just that. And most 
people wouldn't wear Converse 
sneakers with a suit, but that 
combination can look uncon- 
ventionally dishabille on the 
right guy. You may not be him, 
but only you know for sure. 

Remember that fashion can 
be fun—a sport, almost. Once 
you know certain ironclad rules 
of fit, pattern and proportion, 
feel free to play around with 
everything else. 


VISIT ABETTER MEN'S SPECIALTY STORE 
AND TALK TO A GOOD SALESMAN. 


Downes. "Talk to them. It's like 
going to antiques dealers. They 
are there to help you, and they 
want to spread the gospel." 

Building a relationship with 
a good salesman is like finding 
a trusted financial broker; the 
best ones will help you make the 
right choices, and their services 
pay long-term dividends. For 
example, a good sales associate 
will contact you about new 
items you may like, put stuff 
aside for you and let you know 
when things will be marked 
down, says Saks's Macko. 


FOCUS ON QUALITY, NOT QUANTITY. 
WELL-MADE GARMENTS ARE WELL 
|—— 777 WORTH THE EXTRA MONEY. 


You can wear only one outfit at 
a time, so buy the highest qual- 
ity possible. It's better to spend 
money on one great item you 
can wear again and again than 
on multiple pieces that will go 
out of style or fall apart quickly. 

A Burberry trench coat, a Jil 
Sander cashmere sweater, a 
stainless-steel Rolex and dark- 
rinse Levi's Premium jeans are 
luxury items that look great and 
will last for years. 

“Spend as much as you can 
on shoes and suits," says Saks's 
Macko. "Other things, like ties, 
belts and jeans, you can cheat 
on with inexpensive options." 


4 


10 GREAT AMERICAN 
MEN'S STORES 


745 Fifth Avenue 
New York, New York 
212-753-7300 
bergdorfgoodman.com 


375 Sutter Street 
San Francisco, California 
415-986-4380 
wilkesbashford.com 


670 Post Road East 
Westport, Connecticut 
203-227-5165 
www.mitchellsonline.com 


1513 Sixth Avenue 
Seattle, Washington 
206-223-1461 

marios.com 


900 North Michigan Avenue 
Chicago, Illinois 
312-440-0720 
markshale.com 


An understanding of fabric, proportion and color 
goes a long way toward creating a polished, ver- 
satile wardrobe—and makes for a more confident, 
productive shopper. You'll find the best sources 
of advice are specialty stores (pictured left and 
right), reference books on the tenets of men's style 
(below) and websites offering free tips (bottom). 


VOLUMES OF VOGUE 


DRESSING THE MAN 


After the publication of this guide to fashions 
that never go out of style, Ralph Lauren bought. 
796 copies of the book for his employees. 


CHIC SIMPLE: MEN'S WARDROBE 


A gracefully designed volume that concisely 
explains the ins and outs of stylish threads, with 
plenty of illustrative photos. 


GENTLEMAN'S GUIDE TO 
GROOMING AND STYLE 


Erudite and packed with trivia, this encyclopedia 
of elegance can be difficult to locate in stores 
but is available on Amazon.com. 


THE MEN'S CLOTHING GUIDE 


This book boasts a comprehensive city-by-city 
directory of men's specialty stores. 


STYLE SITES 


5imply Googling a fashion-related question 
and taking tips from a random website is 
as dangerous as dressing in the dark. Abboud's 
designers field actual style questions and post 
the answers through this website. 


Founded by Andy Gilchrist, a retired business 
executive and former Polo Ralph Lauren 
salesman, this site claims to be the most popular 
destination on the web for men's clothing. 
advice. It's chock-full of recommendations, 
resources, store info and sartorial history. 


This amusing site written by a fashion-obsessed 
New Yorker is full of entertaining menswear 
arcana. While the Sartorialist is very serious 

about style, he is also playful in his posts. 


500 Crescent Court 
Dallas, Texas 
214-871-3645 

stanleykorshak.com 


жарт 


& = 


ба _- 


270 51. Paul Street 
Denver, Colorado 
303-377-8488 
andrisenmorton.com 


18 East Orange Street 
Chagrin Falls, Ohio 
440-247-2828 
cuffsclothing.com 


1818 Chestnut Street 
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania 
215-564-9000 
boydsphila.com 


== 


" 


| 
и г 


1065 Newport Center Drive | 
Newport Beach, California s 
949-759-1622 
garysonline.com 


The extravagant styles flaunted on the гип- 
Ways are not street legal. Designers showcase 
their ingenuity on the catwalk, but it is purely 
for show. Not even this model could pull off these duds. 
For whatever reason, men's fashion publicity has lately been 
showing less of the actual product: clothes. 
We're not sure how this advertising package y 


is supposed to make us want to buy this gi 


~ y 


7 


“Fashion advertising has set 
men's style back 15 years," says 
Abboud. "If you go through the 
first 10 pages of some maga- 
zines, you'll never want to wear 
clothes again. Those pictures 
have nothing to do with real life. 
The average guy takes one look 
at that and runs the other way." 

Why the big disconnect be- 
tween a lot of magazines and 
reality? On a basic level, the ob- 
jectives of the fashion press are 
not directly aligned with those 
of the typical apparel shopper. 
Fashion magazines are primarily 
interested in provocative images, 
not in clothes per se—which is 
why in some fashion articles and 
ads you can be hard-pressed to 
find any clothing at all. 

"The fashion press tends to 
glom on to weird trends and 
avant-garde ideas because they 
make for a better story. But it 
ends up talking to a tiny world," 
says Wilkes Bashford's Downes. 
“When you see a male model 
wearing hot pants and antlers, 
it's not hard to see why men 
aren't interested in fashion.” 

Ironically, most male fashion 
editors dress fairly conservative- 
ly themselves, in tailored jackets 
and high-end sportswear, 

Don't try to copy looks 
straight from runway shows. 
Even professionals know those 
presentations are predicated 
on sheer entertainment value 
rather than any sense of what 
guys should wear in reality. 


—- 


DON'T FOLLOW FASHION 
TRENDS TOO CLOSELY. 
FOCUS INSTEAD ON 
DEVELOPING A PERMA- 
NENT SENSE OF YOUR 
OWN STYLE, BASED ON 
WHAT WORKS FOR YOU. 


The fashion industry is founded 
on the somewhat obnoxious 
concept of planned obsoles- 
cence. By forcing consumers 
to chase trends, style houses 
ensure that people buy things 
they don't need. This approach 
stems from the women's ready- 
to-wear industry, in which 
trends come and go like the 
tides. But for menswear, it's 
largely counterproductive. 

"Gentlemen's fashion is 
based on permanence and tra- 
dition," says Downes. "Chasing 
trends can be fun, but it should 
be done in moderation." 

Case in point: those omni- 
present multihued striped 
Shirts so popular for the past 
few years and always worn with 
the tail hanging out. 

"When every guy at a bar or 
party is wearing the same thing, 
it's a uniform," says Abboud of 
that thankfully flagging trend. 

Rather than latching onto 
passing fads—leaving you with 
a closet full of ugly bias-striped 
shirts—invest in quality and time- 
less designs: Think spread-collar 
shirts from Thomas Pink (yes, 
you can pair them with jeans 
for a night out), Fred Perry polo 
shirts and Paul Smith suits. You'll 
always look sharp in them. 

Trends are also a game for the 
young and fit. "When the bloom 
is off the rose and you have a 
bit of a belly, it's a good time 
to dress your age and invest in 
quality," says Downes. 


GABB, 


SER 
SIZE DOES MATTER. 


It sounds easy, but many 
guys mess this up. Wear- 
ing your correct size will 
dramatically enhance 
your appearance and 
won't costa nickel extra. 

Make sure the shoul- 
der seams of your new 
shirts and jackets fall at 
the end of your shoul- 
ders, not down at your 
triceps. Collars on wo- 
ven shirts should close 
neatly around your neck. 
Polo shirts should end 
just below your waist- 
line, not at your crotch. 

Attention to the finer 
points of tailoring can 
help accentuate the 
body’s natural propor- 
tions. A low waistline on 
pants will appear to elon- 
gate the torso, whereas 
a high waistline will short- 
en it. A spread collar will 
make your neck look 
more substantial, while a 
pointy collar will make it 
look longer. A jacket that 
drapes low appears to 
shorten your legs, while 
an abbreviated cut will 
lengthen them. 


YOU MAY NOT BE 
ABLE TO AFFORD 
THE JEANS-AND- 
T-SHIRT LOOK. 


In today's hypercasual 
culture, idols like Rus- 
sell Crowe and Colin Far- 
rell show up on David 
Letterman's show in 
jeans, sporting three-day 
growth. Yikes. 

But there are bright 
spots on the style land- 
scape. Hip-hop stars like 
Kanye West, Jay-Z, Diddy 
and Pharrell Williams 
have embraced classic 
traditions of men's hab- 
erdashery and added 
a touch of modern-day 
flair. For them, Brioni 
and Burberry are integral 
parts of the Bentleys- 
and-babes high life. 

While that kind of ag- 
gressive style isn't to 
everyone's taste, it is illu- 
minating to see how fine 
tailoring and traditional 
notions of elegance can 
be molded into compel- 
ling new guises. Take 
inspiration from these 
ideas and incorporate 
such influences into your 
own personal style. 


BEFORE 


Men buy too large in a misguided attempt to 
exude masculinity. Find six things wrong here: 
(1) The suit is big and boxy. (2) The sleeves run 


long. (3) The pants are overly baggy. (4) The tie falls long. 
(5) The neck is too wide. (6) There's no pocket square. 


Clothes should slim your silhouette. Suit 
($1,995) by Dunhill, shirt ($225) by Best of 
Class by Robert Talbott, tio ($125) by Robert 
Talbott Studio, pocket square ($65) by Robert Talbott, 
belt ($280) and shoes ($480) by Salvatore Ferragamo. 


WHERE AND HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 135. 


2SAVE FACE 


WOMEN USE PRODUCTS ALL FROM THE SAME LINE. FRANKLY, WE ARE MORE COMPLEX 


Brooming by JOSEPH DE АСЕТ!$ < 


What you do every morning isn't called shaving anymore—it's now known as grooming, thanks to a slew of products 
designed to keep you in the skin game. Feel free to use whatever it takes to put your best face forward 1> Biotherm Homme 
Aquatic Lotion ($21) is a gel that liquefies into your skin and will cause a woman to melt when she touches your cheek. 
2> Zirh FIX Blemish Control Gel ($34) hides imperfections—as if you had any. 3> Gillette Complete Skincare Cleansing 
Bar ($3) strips away the remnants of last night's sweaty fun.4 » Archipelago Morning Mint Shaving Creme ($19) wakes 
up your stubble 5 > Like your date this weekend, Kenneth Cole Signature spray ($49) is warm and sophisticated. 
6» Peter Thomas Roth Un-Wrinkle ($120) will wipe the worry from your brow.7 > AXE Snake Peel Shower Scrub ($4) 
polishes away dirt and any lingering shame from questionable hookups. 8 > Add elegance to your shave and your sink 
with the Crabtree & Evelyn Nomad Shave Soap in a wooden bowl ($20). 9 > ë Shave's Ivory Handle ($60) comple- 
ments your Gillette blades and your vanity. 10 > Бри па zesty Terre d'Hermés eau де toilette ($90) will spice up your 
night. Tl > Nivea for Men Daily Protective Lotion ($6) is a true body guard. 12 > Lathering with Nature's Gate Organics 
Tea Tree Oil & Blue Cypress Shampoo ($7) is the next best thing to having her rub her fingers through your hair. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY JAMES IMBROGNO / PRODUCED BY JENNIFER RYAN JONES 


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WHERE AND HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 135. 


“If this is valet parking, I can't wait to see room service." 


iVIVA LA REVOLUCIÓN! 


Three things have revolutionized the world of 
sex: razors, remote-control fireplaces and text 
messages. Gentlemen. take two seconds in the 
shower to shave off your pubes or at least clean 
up the arca. It makes all the difference in the 
way you feel about your body, and your partner 
will find you a thousand times sexier. Everyone 
should consider having 2 remote-control fiseplace 
installed at home. It instantly gets both people 
in the mood for scx, you dont have to mess with 
matches or logs, and because the room gets hot 
quickly, you have to take your clothes off. I can't 
say enough about text messaging. [d never been 
much of a text messager until recently. but now 
Tm addicted то sending my man naughty messages 
like “I cant wait to sce you with your clothes 
off.” Just 2 dirty phrase in the middle of the day 
works wonders. You could be in the worst situ: 
ation—say, a boring meeting with someone you 
dont like—but when you get that message. the 
world changes. Your anticipation builds, and you 
can't wait to get back home. A sexy text message 
can be so much hotter than bearing a silly voice 
saying, "Hey, baby. I'm thinking of you.” 


I'm pretty specific about what I look for in a man. I love 
a guy with a hairy, muscular chest. That's something you 
should never shave. When I'm lying on top of him. Ї want 
to feel a very masculine man beneath me. Also, he has to be 
from the Midwest. I'm from the Midwest, and I think men 
from there tend to be morc honest. Í also like confidence in 
a man, but it's important that he not talk too much, because 
that usually means he's bragging. Last, 2 man's scent is very 
important to me. 1 know I'm with the right guy by how he 
smells. 1 have 10 love his scent after he works out. 


BY DAVID HOCHMAN 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY 
MARK LIDDELL 


THE ACTRESS WITH A CERTAIN MYSTIQUE TALKS ABOUT THE GEEKS IN HER 
LIFE, FAKE NIPPLES AND WHAT IT'S LIKE TO WORK BLUE 


[en 

PLAYBOY: A prominent movie critic 
called your role as Mystique, the shape- 
shifting blue mutant in the X-Men 
movies, "the best piece of supermodel 
casting of all time." Can you top that in 
the upcoming X-Men: The Last Stand? 
ROMIJN: All I can say is I get even 
more physical this time. In one scene 
Mystique is handcuffed in a prison cell, 
and the only way for her to get out is to 
strangle a security guard, steal the keys 
and unlock the handcuffs—all with her 
toes. If nothing else, my feet will get 
great reviews. 


Q2 

PLAYBOY: Mystique's blue skin is the 
sexiest thing to happen to comic-book 
fans since Wonder Woman's golden bra. 
What can you do when you're blue that 
you can't do when you're you? 

ROMIJN: Absolutely nothing. I leave. 
tracks everywhere I go. And I’m talking 
toilet seats, doors, phones. It’s very 
challenging, actually, both physically 
and psychologically. It takes hours 
to put on the prosthetics and paint, 
and it’s very claustrophobic. And the 
costume is really fragile. It’s constantly 
falling apart, so there are always four 


or five people working on me. It’s truly 
like wearing a piece of art, bur ГИ tell 
you, after a couple of hours like that, 
Y'm screaming, “Get me outta here!” 


Q3 

PLAYBOY: Did you ever go to, say, a 
7-Eleven dressed as Mystique? 
ROMIJN: No way. Even if they let me 
outside—which they don’t because 
the studio is so secretive about these 
movies—l couldn't move very much. 1 
did freak out my poodle this one time. 
He usually loves everyone. He's a bit of 
a slut, actually. But he wanted nothing 
to do with me when I was dressed as 
Mystique. I didn’t look right to him. I 
didn't smell right. In fact, the only way I 
could convince him it was me under there 
was to breathe right into his muzzle. 


Q4 
PLAYBOY: Will you be nuzzling animals 
on your comedy series, Pepper Dennis? 
ROMIJN: I play an ambitious re- 
porter who wants to be an anchor, so 
she's willing to do anything. Her first 
mistake is having a one-night stand 
with this hot guy. She realizes too late 
that he's the new anchorman. Pepper's 
constantly getting into humiliating sit- 


uations she has to talk her way out of. 
1 like to think of her as a cross between 
Mary Tyler Moore and Jack Tripper. 


Q5 

PLAYBOY: A cameraman on the show 
has an unrequited crush on your char- 
acter, What was your stickicst on-thc- 
job romance? 

ROMIJN: Back when 1 was modeling, 1 
worked with a male model who was 
plucked out of obscurity by a famous 
photographer to do a shoot for a jeans 
campaign. We were shooting in a parking 
lot somewhere in New York City, and 
the photographer had us literally making 
out on the ground, in the gravel, which 
was already very uncomfortable, and 
this guy wasn't even a real model. Any- 
way, we're really going at it, and suddenly 
the photographer says, "Hold it right 
there." The model guy's face is up against 
my ear, and 1 hear this raspy little voice 
say, “1 love you. 1 know this is just 
another job for you, but I love you. 1 
really love you." Okaaay. 


Q6 
PLAYBOY; You played David Schwim- 
mer's girlfriend on Friends and David 
Spade's wife (continued on page 118) 


107 


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— | 


PLAYBOY'S 
P TEN 


PARTY 


SCHOOLS 


Our highly scientific study of the books, babes and beer 


t's a distinction for a university that ranks right up there with 

the number of Nobel Prize winners on its faculty—at least in 

the minds of the students. It's the one honor for which every- 
body on campus can claim some credit. We're of course talk- 
ing about a spot on rLarsoy's Top 10 Party Schools list. 

Only twice have we published a list of colleges and universities 
distinguished by their high General Party Aptitude. Students at 
California State University, Chico, our top pick in 1987, still brag 
about the title as if it were a national championship. Four years 
ago Arizona State topped the roster. This year it's Wisconsin. 
Take a look at this crew (left) and you'll see why. 

To come up with the 2006 list, we found ourselves using an 
entirely new set of criteria. Campuses serve as a cultural barom- 
eter, and in recent years we've noticed a shift in the way students 
approach indulgence. It isn't just about bloodshot eyes and panties 
hanging in the trees anymore. After talking with countless students 
and professors at the 250 universities we visited in the past year, 
ме found that students value overall lifestyle more than ever. They 
appreciate climate, the student body (figuratively and literally), the 
club and music scenes, the quality of their education and athletic 
programs—as well as the cost of a six pack. We've taken all that 
into account. Still, one thing will never change. Beautiful women 
who love to get naked—that's a party. Let us matriculate. 


UNIVERSITY OF WISCONSIN, MADISON 
The Halloween party on State Street draws 100,000 revelers from 
all over the Midwest. Every April, the mayor of Madison gets his 
underwear in a bunch when 30,000 carousers descend on the 
Mifflin Street block party. Badger hysteria at Camp Randall Sta- 
dium rivals the madness up north at Green Bay Packers games. 
Music fans are especially happy: The scene in Madison is the 
equal of any small city's. In a single week last November, Henry 
Rollins, Trey Anastasio, Dick Dale, (text concluded on page 142) 


We needed stinkin' Badgers to show us how they roll in Wisconsin, and a fral (or perhaps only its pledges) gladly cleaned 
up its house to host the girls of Madison. Top, from left: Fallon O'Connor-Brooks, Becca Trey, Justine Welter, Мапза Lim- 
panathon, Shady Katie. Middle: Christina Marie, Simona Péna, Kristi Linn, Andrea Bliss, Ali Bartholin, Brenna Matthews, 
Carly Klein, Bottom: Katie Gerding, Tara Marie, Brigid Kelly, Colleen Glandt, Bethany Marie, Aurora Marie. 109 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY GEORGE GEORGIOU, MIZUNO AND DAVID RAMS 


Opposite: Ana Noelle is а senior art major 
1. WISCONSIN BEST ANNUAL PARTY: Tre 100000- BEST TWO AM. EATERY: La Bamba, | who aims ora careerin interior design. Ste 
strong Halloween bash on State Street where burritos are “as big as your head" | 15 Shown here on laundry day, but he rest of 
SEXIEST NEW TREND: Ful-contact U of W МВА AVERAGE STARTING [я 
female roller derby SALARY: $74,332 she rents hotel suites and heats things up 


wih steamy Jacuzzi parties. 


Top right: Suzie Anderson, a.k.a. 
2. UC SANTA BARBARA | Sex Suzy, is а communications 
major. Her beautiful dancer's 
body is the result of 17 years 
of ballet. Middle right, from left: 
Vanessa Mussenden, Andrea 
Langston, Natalie Biiski, Sabrina 
MOST POPULAR CLASS: Leigh Deltoro, Mimi Moras, Jes- 
Geography of Surfing sica Steinberg, Erica Hemandez 
NOTABLE ALUMNI: and Melanie Campos cool off 


under the hot California sun at 
Michael Douglas, Benjamin Bratt, a tiki bar. Bottom right, from left: 


Robert Ballard Tiffany Hamblin, Jennifer Miller 
CAMPUS FACTOID: Comprises 989 and Suzie Anderson get down 


acres of Pacific coastline. after dark. Below: Andrea Aymes 
FACULTY'S CLAIM TO FAME: is a sun-kissed beach babe who 


Five Nobel Prizes in the past eighl years | runs along the shore lo stay in 
Shape. See any tan lines? 


Opposite: Biology major Britney Leigh car- 
3. ARIZONA STATE BEST HANGOUTS: Jenna Jame- ^ CLAIM ТО FAME: The hottest jed a AT S [ste Ба ч 
son's club, the Pussycat Lounge, female student body in the country pon RS 


Š 9 in Scottsdale on the weekends. Brttney’s 
in nearby Scottsdale; Maloney's BEST PLACE TO STUDY: friends took her to Vegas for her 2151 


on Campus The Library Bar and Grill birthday, but what happened there couldn't 


compare to the craziness on campus. 


4. INDIANA 
СУР 


BEST HOMEWORK 
ASSIGNMENT: Watching porn 
at the Kinsey Institute 
NOTABLE ALUMNI: 
Sportscasters Dick Enberg and 
Joe Buck, writers Robert Coover 
and John Crowley 

SCHOOL REP: A drinking school 
with a basketball problem 

RABID RIVALRY: Purdue hoops 


Top, from left: Kelly Dyann, Elizabeth 
Stepford, Stefani Allen, Ashton Dan: 
iels and Victoria Walker get lo show 
their true colors by losing. Stefani 
says that on a typical night she plays 
cards at an off-campus house—read 
"ет and reap. Left: Molly Ann and 
Corina Marie crowd around a pole. 
Molly claims that the bars in Bloom- 
ington are so packed, she has no 
place to dance. So she gets up on 
the tables. Right: April Nicole, Denae 
Louise and Lisa Ann share a seat. 
We're not sure what Hoosiers are, 
but we know we like them 


annual Reggae Sunsplash 


gies in nearby Pacific Beach far right) 


Opposite, from left: Jande Nicole likes to 


"used to cause hell for her teachers," now 


5. SAN DIEGO STATE Sigma Chi's Tijuana bullfights | “shake her tail feather" Carma Giralayne 


= h tud) ta 
AN Moondog- Katelyn Marie, freshman (opposite, | 202185140601 опе Casey Costas 


abhors seafood, but Katelyn Maries perfect 
dale involves sushi Both are greal catches. 


6. FLORIDA STATE 
Ey 


57 to 43 
Florida State vs. 
University of Florida football game 
Big 
Daddy's on West Tennessee Street 
NFL stars 
Warrick Dunn. Deion Sanders, 
Laveranues Coles, Corey Simon, 
Derrick Brooks, Terrell Buckley, 
Brad Johnson, Zeke Mowatt, 
Travis Minor and Anquan Boldin 


Near right: Justas Pamela Anderson was 
discovered by an eagle-eyed cameraman 
while attending a football game, an ABC 
lensman picked out Jenn Sterger at the 
FSU-Miami game last September. Upon 
seeing the spicy Seminole, sportscaster 
Brent Musburger noted that “15,000 
young red-blooded American men just 
signed up to go to Florida State.” One of 
the Covgiris of FSU (hence the hat), Jenn 
told us that she was invited by the team 
lo attend a recruiting party this spring. 
Far right: Miami native Jordanna Gross 
says her goal is to become the next Paris 
Hilton. This sorority girl makes us long for 
the days of community showers. 


7. OHIO A bargoer's 53047 
3 paradise The 25,000-strong 
nich Halloween block party in Athens, 
Burrito Buggy the Mardi Gras of the Midwest 


Below left: Kamelia Berke hopes to work someday in 
intemational public health for the Centers for Disease 
Control. Feel our forehead—its hot. Center: Commu- 
nications major Alexandra Angotti reminds us to order 
a double next time. Her guilty pleasure is gossip maga- 
Zines; ours is her. Right Khalei Fogle is a student in the 
classroom and a Bobcat in her dorm room. 


Opposite, from left: Mkaela Karr hates cheesy 
8. GEORGIA 571043 | pickup ines; in class, don't ask her, "Do you come 
The Fire- Michael Slipe, here offen?” Colleen Jacobs is waiting for the man 


5 f herd ferably a Dawg, lo swe 
house and Flanigans, two bars Ryan Seacrest, Dean Rusk, Phil Gramm | ¿pres os Devon Кайр а Пано, 10 sweep her 


on East Clayton Street and five Pulitzer Prize-winning writers | but here is a tip for you: She wants a guy with а 
personality. Hey, you have one of those. 


9. TENNESSEE 


The History of Rock and Roll 


The cheesesteak at Gus's 
Good Times deli 


The pre-foolball game "sail 
gate’ outside Neyland Stadium 


The Bonnaroo festival every 
June in Manchester 


Top left: Originally from Germany, Shea 
West and her beautiful blonde mane 
now call Knoxville home. She is study- 
ing to be a nurse and coolly states that 
she is fond of the word bi-curious. Oh, 
doctor. Near right: Complementing 
Miss West is an import from the Far 
East. Korean native Rena Foxmay be 
small in stature but considers herself 
one of the biggest Tennessee football 
fans. Far right: Sisters Salem and 
Peyton Rams are the most popular 
siblings on campus since the Clausen 
brothers. Away from class they make 
a killer doubles-volleyball team. Petite 
Peyton majors in pharmacy and Salem 
is a witchy woman studying interior 
design. We are extremely grateful that 
all these lady Volunteers lent them- 
selves to the shoot. 


Club Super Sexe on 
Rue Ste.-Catherine Ouest 
Burt Bacharach, 
William Shatner, Leonard Cohen 
and seven Nobel laureates 
3102 
18 


Ап alluring dimension of McGill's campus 
is the influence of the francophone Canadi- 
ans, who are famously open about sex. Left 
Brynn Chudleigh and Madison Chi show what 
fraises are for. Near right: Bree Massey pours 
Baileys into her coffee before class and says 
algetra tums her on. Far right: Phyls Syd is 
ап actress; maybe McGill alum William Shat- 
ner will help her get a leg up in the biz. 


=> ҮГ 
apr m ME, 


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PLAYBOY 


118 


Rebecca Romijn 
(continued from page 107) 
on Just Shoot Me. What's with you and 
the goofballs? 
ROMIJN: That's your word, not mine. 
1 just like regular, smart, funny guys. 
What am I supposed to do? If I strut- 
ted around thinking I was the most 
fabulous person in the world, that 
would make me a crazy person. Maybe 
it was growing up in Berkeley in the 
19705, but I never got to skate by on 
my looks. I had to pony up like every- 
one else. That's been really good. It 
forced me to be a normal person who 
gets along with normal people and has 
normal interests. 


Q7 

PLAYBOY: So that explains your "normal" 
obsession with fountain choreography. 
Your new documentary, Wet Dreams, is 
about fulfilling your desire to program 
the fountainsoutside the Bellagio Hotel 
in Las Vegas. Why fountains? 

ROMIJN: It was one of the most exhila- 
rating experiences of my life, actually. 
"The fountains are so beautiful to watch. 
Icould sit out there with a glass of wine 
and watch them for hours. My film- 
maker friend and I decided to see how 
far we could take this. We didn't get a 
response at first, but then I went on The 
Tonight Show and begged the guy at the 
Bellagio to call me back. That did the 
trick. We set up a tent by the lake and 
spent 10 days dancing around pretend- 
ing we were fountains. At one point they 
let us swim in the fountain, in the center 
ring, with the water pouring down. 


Q8 

PLAYBOY: What song did you pick? 
ROMIJN: We used Ennio Morricone’s 
“The Ecstasy of Gold” from The Good, 
the Bad and the Ugly. And now the hotel 
has our fountain sequence in perma- 
nent rotation, so you can watch it three 
or four times a day. 


Q9 

PLAYBOY: Speaking of getting all wet, 
there's talk about a nude shower scene 
you did in Rollerball that ended up on 
the cutting-room floor. We were disap- 
pointed. Were you? 

ROMIJN: It was a steam room, actually. 
but I don't want to get into it because I 
don't vant to гие any feathers. They 
did something in postproduction that 
was kind of naughty, and I got very 
upset. Someone added, um.... 


Q10 
PLAYBOY: You can tell us. We're very 
discreet. 
ROMIJN: Well, there's a shot of me 
walking across the steam room. I was 


wearing pasties, and it was foggy, so 
you weren't supposed to see anything. 
But then in an early cut of the movie, 
I saw that someone had CGI'd nipples 
onto me. I was like, "No, no, no, no, 
no, no, no, no, no." So unless there's 
something floating around that 1 
don't know about, I think I won that 
nipple battle. 


Q11 

PLAYBOY: You're engaged to actor 
Jerry O'Connell. When did you real- 
ize he played the nerdy fat kid in 
Stand by Me? 

ROMIJN: I always loved that movie. 1 
think I was 11 when it came out, and 
my friends and I would quote it and 
sing that "Lollipop" song. But when 
Jerry and 1 started dating, І hadn't seen 
it in a while. After about three months 
I snuck a peek. It was just so funny to 
me. He's really good in it, but never 
in a million years did ] think this guy 
would become my husband. I mean, 
honestly, River Phoenix wasthe one my 
girlfriends and I all talked about. But 
no, I ended up with good old Vern. 


Q12 
PLAYBOY: Now that you're engaged, how 
do you deal with guys hitting on you? 
ROMIJN: It almost never happens. 
I've never been that girl. Maybe it’s 
because I don't go to the right places. 
1 mean, I'm not much of a night- 
club or meat-market person. I like to 
believe that men find me attractive, 
but for some reason I don't provoke 
that sort of reaction. 


Q13 

PLAYBOY: How did O'Connell make 
his move? 

ROMIJN: We were at a party in Vegas. 
This was right before we started shoot- 
ing the documentary. Jerry overheard 
me talking about it and asked if he could 
be the boom operator. He asked, "Can 1 
boom?" And 1 was like, "Sure." He said, 
“Гуе boomed before. I've boomed my 
friend's student films. I'd love to boom." 
I said, "Okay. Welcome aboard." 


Q14 

PLAYBOY: Getting back to your Cali- 
fornia upbringing, were you a typical 
Berkeley kid? You know, Birkenstocks, 
smoking pot with Mom and Dad, that 
sort of thing? 

ROMIJN: Berkeley in the 1970s was kind 
of a crazy place to grow up. Fun, really 
fun. But my parents weren't hippies. I 
mean, yes, my mom does have a giant 
amethyst in her living room, but my 
friends’ parents were the antiestablish- 
ment types. I remember seeing them 
smoking pot and stufi, and their inter- 
ests were unusual. My friend's mom 


was an artist, and she made incredible 
paintings out of found objects. For years 
Га go over and see bags, jars and boxes 
full of different-colored lint she had col- 
lected from the dryer and used in her 
paintings. The cool thing about Berke- 
ley moms is you can laugh at them and 
they take it pretty well. Га like to think 
I'm the same way. 


Q15 

PLAYBOY: What was the stupidest gig you 
had during your modeling years? 
ROMIJN: I once went to Greenland in 
the middle of summer, when the sun 
never sets there. Every night around 
11 P.M., the Eskimos would take us out 
on boats, and our photographer would 
make us climb up icebergs to shoot us 
on top. The problem was, because it 
was July, the warmest time of the year, 
pieces of iceberg were crashing into 
the water. Every half hour or so—ker- 
plunk. It was so dangerous the Eskimos 
weren't getting out of their boats. The 
pictures were absolutely beautiful, but 
my mother almost killed me when I 
told her about it. 


Q16 

PLAYBOY: You don't see too many super- 
models up there. What did the locals 
make of you? 

ROMIJN: Honestly, I don't think they 
could make heads or tails of anything. 
None ofthem was 100 percent, because 
they were drinking heavily around the 
clock, and with all the roads to town 
frozen over—I sensed some inbreed- 
ing, which probably explains the TV 
situation. The hotel had only two chan- 
nels. One of them had a really bad 
Arnold Schwarzenegger movie playing 
on a continuous loop. The other was 
24-hour porn. Let me tell you, when 
you're in a place like that for nine days, 
entertainment of that caliber can get 
very tedious. 


Q17 

PLAYBOY. Fans on the Internet were 
buzzing about the possibility of your 
X-Men character spinning off a sequel. 
Will we ever see a Mystique movie? 
ROMIJN: I think the limitations of the 
costume might prevent that from hap- 
pening, but it would be fun because 
the character is so fun and there are so 
many different ways you could do it. I 
mean, the possibilities are endless when 
you're a metamorph. 


ais 
PLAYBOY: X-Men fans are notoriously 
geeky. Do you ever get cornered 
and asked insider comic-book ques- 
tions about, say, Mystique’s supposed 
involvement in the third incarnation of 
the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants? 


"Ginger, guess who's skipping economics again?" 


PLAYBOY 


120 


ROMIJN: There's a tremendous amount 
of pressure when you do a movie like 
X-Men, because you've got characters 
that people have been waiting their 
entire lives to see come to life. And 
yes, there are those guys. But they re 
the people we're thinking about when 
we're making choices and taking liber- 
ties with these characters. You have to 
be extremely careful because you don't 
want to disappoint the fans. Luckily I 
think they have been pretty happy with. 
the outcome. From my perspective it's 
nothing but love. 


Q19 

PLAYBOY: Your Malibu house was once a 
bordello. Does that mean your ghosts 
have gonorrhea? 

ROMIJN: Well, the place definitely has a 
Wild West past. When I found it, the 
first floor had five tiny bedrooms with 
attached bathrooms, so who knows 
what went on there. I gutted them 
because they were so gross. Now its 
just the cutest, sexiest little house. But 
every once in a while some random 
person will come up to me and say he's 
partied there. 1 was in France once and 


this guy—a total stranger—said, "Oh 
my God. Г spent an entire night in 
your fireplace." 


Q20 

PLAYBOY: When you plug your name into 
Google's image search, around 20,000 
pictures of you come up. Does it creep 
you out knowing that kids in Ulaan- 
baatar may be gawking at you? 

ROMIJN: I try not to think about it too 
much. People can get weird sometimes. 
Back when I used to read fan letters, 
1 got a series from someone—and I 
can't believe I'm saying this—who 
would write pages and pages about my 
“luscious melons”: “Dearest Rebecca, 
I love you. I think you are beauti- 
ful. When you wear that red bikini, 
your luscious melons look fantastic. I 
would like to see your luscious melons 
in a pink lace bra. Or maybe 1 would 
like to see your luscious melons in a 
black bathing suit. I would also like to 
see your luscious melons....” I'm not 


kidding. Four pages. Four! Can you 


believe it? 


. 
Bill Bowerman 

(continued from page 70) 
up solely of guys who had been booted 
from varsity. 

All the while, Bowerman gave strange- 
sounding advicc. “Do right and fcar no 
man,” he'd say. What did that have to do 
with running а fast 880? 

Plus he was always tinkering with 
something. He could be found on the 
field on Saturday mornings, stirring a 
huge cauldron over an open fire. In his 
weathered pants, boots, flannel shirt and 
green cowboy hat, he was an unusual pic- 
ture ofa mad scientist. He was constantly 
attempting to formulate a material to 
improve the long-jump runway surface. 
Runners assumed these strange mixtures 
were equal parts tar, rubber, Irish whis- 
key and hocus-pocus incantations. One 
time he lost control of the fire and almost 
burned down the east grandstand. 

He concocted a combination of tea, 
honey and lemonade, the better to 
replenish nutrients, he said, and on cold 
days he made us run in long underwear. 
He was continually trying to take two 
ounces off a pair of racing shoes. 

But mostly Bill Bowerman was tinker- 
ing with your mind. 

When you put your faith in him, 
however, he would put his faith in you. 
He was about to produce a whole lot of 
Olympians. Before long a sports drink 
like his—albeit a better-tasting one— 
would become known as Gatorade, and 
within a decade 3M's synthetic track 
surfaces would become the industry 
standard. And the long underwear? The 
Oregon freshman team was about to 
win a cross-country meet in Vancouver, 
where the temperature vas 12 degrees; 
the underwear was, of course, the fore- 
runner of muscle tights. 

We had no way of knowing those things 
then. For the most part we would do it his 
way—or do something else. It took until 
halfway through my sophomore year, but 
as the meets and practices rolled by, it all 
gradually began to make sense. 

As my commitment grew, something 
else changed. The bond bctwccn us 
began to grow as well. 

Almost two years to the day after Bill 
Dellinger had left me for dead on the 
Laurelwood Golf Course, I beat the great 
Jim Bailey in а cross-country race. Fifteen 
months before, Bailey had run the first. 
sub-four-minute mile on U.S. soil. To be 
sure, Bailey wasn't at his best, and I was 
the fittest 1 had ever been, but breaking 
the finish tape is one of the real thrills 
in sports, and I didn't do it that often in 
my college years. On this day it was more 
than that. Í belonged. 

Twenty minutes after the race, the 
coach found me, my cooldown almost 
over. He put that great warm paw of his 
on my neck, looked down at me and gave 
a smile. “Good race,” he said. It wasn't as 
good as standing on the medal platform. 


г" 


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PLAYBOY 


122 


in Tokyo while the national anthem 
played, but for those of us who would 
never get that far, it would have to do. 


. 


In the spring of my senior year Bow- 
erman met with me one-on-one to talk 
about a big Saturday 880 against USC. 
For a few moments, his look, the one that 
could melt platinum, was focused on the 
imaginary back ofa USC runner, the one 
whose personal best was three seconds 
better than my own. Then he turned to 
me. "You can beat him," he said. 
Running is a solo sport. Primal. Start 
in the same place as the other guy and 
see who can get to the finish line fast- 
est. No ratings judge in sight. Training 
means slogging through countless miles, 
roaming the world with your thoughts. 
So too was college a solo sport; in 
this place I was deciding who I might 
become. If I were to be a businessman, 
I would be an entrepreneur; if an artist, 
a writer. Or maybe a lawyer in private 
practice—a sole practitioner, of course. 
Bowerman had been drawn to the 
same unique sport. In those college years 
I grew to understand why I ran for hi 
harder to figure out was why he was 
drawn to me. He spent more time with 
me than my performance justified. I still 
don't know why. I suppose it was in part 
because 1 did other things: good grades 


every couple of terms, a weekly column 
in the Daily Emerald, fraternity president 
and, maybe best of all, class representative 
on the student disciplinary committee, 
which decided if kids were to be kicked 
out of school. There 1 fought on a regu- 
lar basis with Golda Wickham, dean of 
women, who to this day I believe was Ken 
Kesey's role model for Nurse Ratched in 
One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. 

Bowerman had found me worthy in a 
way that had nothing to do with how fast 
Iran. My gratitude was deep, in no small 
part because he allowed me entry toa place 
where I could view greatness up close. 

Our odd but groving relationship 
peaked that Saturday in May when we 
faced USC. After eight years of running 
in high school and college, as the meets 
got bigger and the competition tougher. 
1 didn't want to be alone quite so much. 
There in that room, while we talked 
strategy, the bonding of my college years 
reached a new high. This ornery, indeci- 
pherable man who had put me through so 
much—who got me to do things I didn't 
want to do, who got me to do things 1 
didn't think I could do, who got me to 
beat a national champion, who got empty 
rooms to speak—would be there with me. 
1 would leave it all on that track. 

I lost. I found out one more time that 
some people can run faster than you can. 
Wayne Lemmons from USC beat me Буа 


"I stole the ad of some guy who was in debt, and now they're 
ounding me to pay his bills." 


step, costing the team four points, half the 
total it lost Бу, to a USC squad that hadn't 
lost a dual meet in more than 10 years. I 
got the paw and the "Good race,” but I was 
crushed. When I later came to think about 
that race, knowing 1 had given my all plus 
10 percent, including the three and a half 
years of preparation, I concluded that, 
win or lose, finding the extra 10 percent 
within yourself is what matters. 

By the time my college years wound to 
their end, I had lost far more races than 
I had won. But a part of me insisted it 
wasn't so much that I had not achieved 
success; 1 had just used up my eligibility. 
If winning on the track were just around 
the corner, it would have to be done on 
some other team, and that saddened me. 


Looking back on all those workouts, 1 
realize that once you got past the oddi- 
ties, Bowerman was a wonder in many 
ways. He had no assistant coach, no sec- 
retary. He tailored individual workout 
sheets written in longhand for each of 
his 35 athletes every week of the school 
year. In my four years, that amounted 
to 4,200 individualized workout sheets. 
About 120 of them were mine. 

At the end of the four years, 1 had pro- 
gressed to the level at which 1 could ask 
the question, Why the tough treatment 
of the new guys, all those guys kicked off. 
the team? 

Of course I received an understated 
answer: "Because the most important 
thing for any teacher is to get the stu- 
dent's attention." 

1 understood it, but an aura of mys- 
tery also existed about him that I could 
not crack, a part that always remained 
hidden. I concluded that after he had 
gained a studenr's attention, he had to 
find means to make sure it did not wan- 
der. A little like Samson and his hair—if 
he lost the mystery, he couldn't teach. 

On my last day on campus, it was time 
to say good-bye. I would, I thought, not 
see him much anymore. 

1 prepared for that last meeting. 1 
had gotten an A in my one semester 
of speech; this would be the real final 
for that course. 1 typed what I wanted 
to say. one full page. 1 memorized and 
rehearsed it, including the gestures. This 
was my heartfelt thanks for all he had 
meant to me on so many levels. 

I walked down the hallway to his office 
for the last time—the corridor where 
already so many of the greats had walked, 
their pictures on the walls—and went in. 
It was a modest office on reflection, but a 
certain aura issued from it. In four years 
ice had turned to warmth, punishment 
to encouragement and hope. Yet it was 
still an intimidating place, especially with 
him right there. 

I wondered, Why would he care, this 
coach of the greats, the man who would 
later become head coach of the U.S. 
Olympic team? 


Te. 


PLAYBOYSIORE. COM 


PLAYBOY 


124 


So I stood there, shifting my weight from 
one leg to the other, and I choked. Finally 
1 managed, “Well...it's been an honor... 
Thanks..." and stuck out my hand. 

He shook it firmly, and 1 turned to go. 

"Just a minute," he said. I turned back. 

"You've meant a lot to this university, not 
justin running. It is indebted to you." 

A speech. He gave me a speech lon- 
ger than the first pep talk I heard him 
give the team. I had to get out of there. 
I turned again. “Just one more thing,” he 
said. I turned back once more. 

“Never underestimate yourself.” 

When 1 got outside 1 was still shak- 
ing. As I had with so much of his stuff, 
1 would have a long time to think about 
that final moment in his office. 

After my college years he came to be 
accepted as the greatest track coach of 
all time. lt should have been no surprise 
that he found greatness in overlooked 
young men from the smallest, most 
neglected towns of Oregon: Coos Bay, 
Cottage Grove, St. Helens, Oregon City, 
North Eugene, Scappoose, Sherwood, 
Seaside, Siuslaw. 

А part of me connects with those 
young men who came out of nowhere. 
Bowerman looked inside us and mystify- 
ingly placed his belief in us, and then one 
day we were capable of more than we 
knew. The ones he found worthy began 
to repeat this process on their own. 


For me the journey resumed in an 
unforeseen and circuitous way. 


After an active-duty tour in the Army 
and sitting in an entrepreneurship class 
at the Stanford Graduate School of Busi- 
ness in 1962, I wondered, Hmmm, could 
Bowerman' search for a better running 
shoe be a business? 

Four and a half years after that "final" 
moment in his office, I showed Bower- 
man track-shoe samples made in Japan. 
What did he think? The response was bet- 
ter than 1 had expected. We each put in 
$500 and shook hands on a partnership. 

The next several years were a struggle. 
Our "executives" were ex-runners and 
lawyers and accountants who couldn't 
work for establishment firms. Our mar- 
keting and sales efforts consisted of 
skinny white kids selling shoes out of 
their cars in Oregon and California. 

One of my old marketing professors 
came up and reviewed operations for a 
couple of days. He declared, "Manage- 
ment is а shambles. Every day is a crisis, 
and every Friday a Jesus Crisis." 

One weck the only мау we could meet. 
our payroll was to borrow $5,000 from a. 
shoe-box manufacturer. 

We were thrown out of two banks in 
Oregon, and at that time Oregon had 
only two banks. One of them advised, 
“You are so far overdrawn in so many 
accounts, we have notified the FBI." 

Nissho Iwai, the sixth-largest Japa- 
nese trading company, picked us up 
off the side of the road. It was a bet- 
ter arrangement. Tom Sumeragi, who 
became a friend, was assigned to our 
account. If we couldn't pay, he left the 


Good vews. 


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I've diagnosed 

an illness that 

requires medical 
мас juana k 


invoices buried in his drawer. When 1 
asked why he did that, he said, "Because 
I personally believe you will someday do 
$10 million in sales." 

And of course the big one: Eight years 
after we started, after we had overcome 
all those other obstacles, we lost our sole 
source of supply. 

But you see, so many of us back then 
had come off Bowerman's teams. The 
obstacles the world was throwing at us, 
well, they were just the business version of 
hazing. What mattered, what always mat- 
tered, was our competitive response. 

Lose your source of supply? Find 
another onc. This time do it your way, 
under your own brand name. But what 
name? Jeff Johnson suggested naming 
the brand after the Greek goddess of 
victory. Would that work? But it's also 
a surface-to-air missile. Could that con- 
note speed? It wasn't great, but like the 
shoe-side logo we were starting to call 
the Swoosh, maybe it would grow on 
us. Fight hard. 

Today more hard-core young run- 
ners come to visit Hayward Field than 
ever before. They come for a talk with 
the ghosts, the ones from the Olympic 
trials of 1972, 1976 and 1980 and all 
those national and invitational meets. 
"They take in the west grandstand, which 
scems to have come right out of Chariots 
of Fire. They walk around the urethane 
track where Lee Evans, John Smith, 
Marion Jones, Hicham El Guerrouj and, 
of course, Steve Prefontaine raced. Then 
they wander to the north corner, where 
the life-size statue of Bowerman over- 
sees everything. Always they run their 
hands over the statuc, hoping some of 
the magic will rub off. 


The silences are permanent now. 

Yet over all these years I have com- 
municated with and heard much about 
many of those old runners. Many went 
back to their small towns. They became 
doctors, lawyers, architects, farmers, 
educators, business leaders and, in at 
least one case, writers. They've survived 
divorces and dashed hopes. We cannot 
shake the voice, the voice that at vari- 
ous times came out of voids—the empty 
rooms, the unfinished sentences, the 
unreadable workout schedules. Bower- 
man runs with us still. 

Jim Bailey said at a public gathering 
in 2001, “I have let him down many 
times. Never he me.” Bailey, channel- 
ling Bowerman, wasn't talking about his 
track career but about the race inside. It 
applied to everything you cared about. 
Competitive responses honed. The aspi- 
rations we didn't dig deep enough for, 
didn’t fight hard enough for. 

In the end, this is what he taught us: 
It's never just about how fast you move 


your legs. 
El 


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OZZIE GUILLEN 


(continued from page 50) 
PLAYBOY: You lied and told her you 
were a banker. Why? 
GUILLEN: When you said you played baseball, 
people gave you funny looks. If you said you. 
were a banker ora lawyer or went to college, 
they were a little more interested. 
PLAYBOY: How did she find you out? 
GUILLEN: She saw me on TV. She thought, 
This is the guy who is going out with me! 
T think she was crazy to go out with a 
guy who didn't have any future besides. 
baseball. If I hadn't played baseball, I 
don't know what I would have done. She 
took a chance. She had a winning lottery 
ticket. She kept it and won. 
PLAYBOY: You later 
married and lived 
with her parents 
while you got your 
start in the major 
leagues. One of the 
first things people 
noticed about you 
when you were a 
rookie for the White 
Sox was that you 
talked to everybody 
around you—team- 
mates, итрз, oppos- 
ing players. What 
were you saying? 
GUILLEN: [ made the 
games fun. People 
take this game so 
seriously now. It's 
not fun for them; it's 
work. I look at these 
kids now and think, 
Wow, these people 
don't have fun play- 
ing this game. And 
you don't even know 
how long you'll be 
playing. They're 
going to regret it 
when they're done. 
There wasn't one day 
1 didn't have fun. 
PLAYBOY: Did anyone. 
tell you to shut up? 
GUILLEN: Everyone. 
They'd say, "I don't 
want to talk to you. Shut the fuck up." 
Some people hate me and some people 
like me, but I didn't come here to make 
friends. I came here to be what I am. Old- 
school players hated that shit. Now every- 
body is talking and patting each other on 
the back. Back then if you were a kid try- 
ing to talk to the players, they didn't like 
that. Doug Dascenzo didn't want to talk. 
Brian Downing didn't want to talk. All he 
veteran players told me to shut up and go 
back to my position. 
PLAYBOY: You were upset when, after play- 
ing for the White Sox for 13 years, the 
team dumped you. What happened? 
GUILLEN: 1 told them I wanted to stay here. 


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126 I wanted to finish my career here. I was the 


PLAYBOY s 100 


fan favorite. I thought, If you don't sign me 
and you sign Mike Caruso, you guys are full 
of shit. I didn't think the way they treated 
me at that particular time was fair to me 
and my family. The general manager was 
Ron Schueler, and I didn't appreciate the 
way he treated me. I hated everybody —the 
trainers, the coaches, everyone. I would 
have taken a pay cut because I wanted to 
stay. My kids were in school in Chicago. Г 
had a house in Chicago. That's one thing I 
will always regret: not finishing my playing 
career with the White Sox. 

PLAYBOY: You were 37 when the Devil 
Rays told you they were letting you go, 
effectively ending your playing career. 
What went through you mind? 

GUILLEN: I thought, ІІ can't play for the 


Devil Rays, I can't play for anybody in 
the big leagues, because they're a horse- 
shit team. If I can't make the team there, 
it’s time to go home. 

PLAYBOY: The White Sox playoff series 
against the Angels featured several contro- 
versial calls. In game two the home-plate 
umpire ruled thata pitch Pierzynski swung 
at and missed for a strikeout bounced 
before Angels catcher Josh Paul caught it. 
During the confusion, Pierzynski made it to 
first, and later he was knocked in by Crede. 
to win the game. What did you see? 
GUILLEN: If you look at the replay, you 
can see it's a tough call for any итрие. 
You see the ball, and it hits the dirt. It hit 
the dirt. But that happens every day. It 


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was a big deal only because it was in the 
playoffs for the World Series. 

PLAYBOY: Pierzynski was at the center of 
another controversial call in game five, 
when Kelvim Escobar tagged him with 
an empty glove while holding the ball 
in his other hand. 

GUILLEN: People don't like Pierzynski. Esco- 
bar wanted to hit him so hard that he forgot 
the ball was in the wrong hand. If you look 
at the replay, you see he went after Pier- 
zynski to hit him hard. If it were another 
player, it would have been different. He 
would have been tagged easy. But they want 
to bear the shit out of Pierzynski. 
PLAYBOY: Does baseball need the 
instant replay? 

GUILLEN: No. We have good guys we trust, 
and they do the 
best they can in the 
game. It would only 
delay the game, and 
people wouldn't trust 
the umpires. They 
do it in football only 
because the game is so 
quick, you sometimes 
can't see stuff. But in 
baseball, I trust the 
umpires. Idon't want 
to, but I have to. 
PLAYBOY: When the 
White Sox won the 
World Series, all the 
players ran out onto 
the field to celebrate, 
but you stayed in the 
dugout. Why? 
GUILLEN: I was just 
proud to watch them 
celebrate. 1 wanted 
то see everything. 
I wanted to cry. 1 
wanted to smile. 1 
wanted tojump. Just 
to see those guys 
achieve something 
because they worked 
together made me 
prouder than any- 
thing. I stood back 
and saw everything. 
ГИ never forget that. 
day. A lot of people 
thought, because of 
the way I am, I would run out onto the 
field with my shirt off or run naked down 
Michigan Avenue. 

PLAYBOY: Will the Sox having won the 
World Series end the rivalry with the 
Chicago Cubs? 

GUILLEN: Г hate playing the Cubs. So 
much shit gets said in the media. It's fun 
when the game starts, but other than that 
I don't like it. It's great for the city, but 
its a pain in the ass for everybody else. 
PLAYBOY: Are the Cubs cursed? 

GUILLEN: No, they're just horseshit. 1 was 
with both teams that beat the Cubs in the 
last two playoffs they went to, the Braves 
and the Marlins. The Marlins had a better 
team than the Cubs. Player by player we 


газ accepted. 


had a better team. Cubs fans talked about 
a curse and blamed their loss on the kid 
in the stands who interfered with the ball. 
How about when Alex Gonzalez dropped 
the ball? How about the RBI triple by Mike 
Mordecai? So many things happened. Don't 
blame the curse. You don't know shit. 
PLAYBOY: You took the World Series trophy 
to Venezuela, the first time it has been in 
a country other than the U.S. or Canada. 
Was it a lot of work to make that happen? 
GUILLEN: Kind of. I knew Reinsdorf wasn't 
going to say no, but we had to ask the com- 
missioner. That trophy means a lot to my 
country. We're going through a lot of polit- 
ical problems, social problems and money 
problems. 1 feel prouder to be Venezu- 
elan than anybody. Venezuela is a part of 
me. The only thing 
I could givc back 
to them was to say, 
*Here's the trophy 
for you guys." 
PLAYBOY: Was it dif- 
ficult to arrange? 
GUILLEN: І would 
have taken it no 
matter what 
PLAYBOY: You flew 
in a private plane 
arranged by contro- 
versial Venezuelan 
president Hugo 
Chávez. He hasbeen 
accused of every- 
thing from electoral 
fraud to human- 
rights violations 
Are you involved in 
politics there? 
GUILLEN: Not reall 
I like President Ch: 
vez. I like Chavez 
the man. I don't say 
I like him politi- 
cally, because I don’t 
agree with a lot of 
the stuff he does and 
says. But I have a 
right to like some- 
body, and I like the 
man. When I read 
about how hard he 
worked since he was 
six years old to be 
president of Venezuela, I felt proud. 
Believe me, I don’t agree with what he 
does. I don’t agree with what he says. But 
to me, it's all about the person. People hate 
him. When I said I like Chavez, people 
said, “Wow. Why did he say that?” Why 
not? Why can't I like him? 

PLAYBOY: You are close friends with free 
agent Ugueth Urbina, formerly of the 
Philadelphia Phillies. He was recently 
charged with attempted murder in Ven- 
czucla and is imprisoned in Caracas. The 
charges claim he and a group of men 
attacked five workers with machetes and 
attempted to set them on fire. Are you 
worried about him? 

GUILLEN: Yes. I'm doing everything 1 can. 


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Tve spent a lot of time in Venezuela, try- 
ing to get him out. I talked to him, and 
1 think he's not guilty. He wasn't setting 
people on fire and hitting them with a 
machete. I'm not just saying that because 
he's my friend. 1 don't lie to anybody, 
because people will find out the truth. 
There was a big fight in his house and 
people were beating the shit out of each 
other, and he was caught up in that. Гуе 
alrcady told the justice system in Venczu- 
ela to take care of this quickly because this 
kid needs to return and play in the U.S. 
PLAYBOY: Is it possible for a profes- 
sional athlete to come back after 
something like that? 

GUILLEN: He didn't kill anybody. He just 
had a fight. I've seen people do drugs. 


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Гуе said hi to him since 1985. Where I 
come from we don't judge by black ог 
white or religion. You're just like every- 
body else. In this country it's not easy. 
When you talk about any issue, somebody. 
will have something to fucking say. You 
have to be so careful. That's why I almost 
quit. I said, “Fuck this." I had a meet- 
ing with our public-relations department 
and said, "If this shit is going to continue 
like this, I'm not talking to anybody." 
PLAYBOY: The Chicago press wanted you sus- 
pended and called you an "immature, out- 
of-control, sensitivity-bankrupt manager," а 
"social fool,” a "loose-lipped disaster." 
GUILLEN: I called somebody gay in New 
York with 60 people around me, and 
only one guy wrote about it. That guy 
came to me later 
and said, “You know, 
you called someone 
a fag." 1 said, “No, 
1 didn't. That's my 
best friend. I just said 
hi to him." He said, 
“That's how you say 
hi to your friends?" I 
said, "To him? Yeah. 
If you don't like it, 
fuck off. Get the fuck 


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= 4 


- 


Гуе seen people kill people. I've seen 
people not pay their taxes. I've seen 
people beat the shit out of their wives. 
I've seen people get DUIs. I've seen a 
lot of people make mistakes, and they get 
chance after chance after chance. Urbina 
made one mistake, and it's nobody's busi- 
ness. He should get another opportunity. 
He did something everybody else has 
done—he got in a fight 

PLAYBOY: You got a lot of bad press after 
calling a friend in the stands in New 
York a child molester and a homosex- 
val. What happened? 

GUILLEN: That was my best friend. He'll 
say, "What's up, you child molester?" and 
ГИ say, "What's up, you fag?" That's how 


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out of my office, you 
piece of shit." So the 
next day he wrote it. 
My mind, my heart 
and my soul are as 
clean as a whistle. I 
know I don't mean 
to disrespect anyone. 
Say what you want. 
When 1 go to sleep 
at night, I don't have 
any regrets. I know 
what I meant. 
PLAYBOY: Do you lis- 
ten to sports radio? 
GUILLEN: Sometimes. 
Just to laugh. We 
have the best stations 
in Chicago. They 
think they know 
baseball, but they 
don't know shit. 
PLAYBOY: We've 
heard you sit in your 
car after games and 
listen to sports radio with your son 
Docs it get to you? 

GUILLEN: No. You know why? You don't 
win or lose games by listening to the 
radio. If people on the radio were so 
smart, they'd be in the goddamn dugout 
with me. Every time the media second- 
guesses you, it's after something happens, 
not before. I told them, "If you want to 
second-guess me, ГИ give you my cell 
phone number so before 1 make a move 
you can call me in the dugout and tell me 
what I have to do. Let's see how good you 
are.” Believe me, the farther you sit from 
the plate, the smarter you get. 


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cepted 


127 


BOY 


PLAY 


DICK CHENEY 


(continued from page 76) 
sufferance, subject at all times to expul- 
sion or lesser punishments but annoyingly 
integral to the success of the overall proj- 
ect. The tension arises from the fact that 
the goal of the public official and his staff 
is to produce unqualifiedly positive news 
coverage, while the goal of reporters is to 
produce informed, compelling news cov- 
erage. These two agendas do not regu- 
larly converge. Angling to surmount the 
obstacles imposed by each other, govern- 
ment and media people are forever 
engaging in cat-and-mouse games. 

Since the rules are stacked in favor of 
those in government—it's their plane, 
their meeting, their show—the reporters 
are at a disadvantage. We are therefore 
forced, like guerrillas, to seize opportu- 
nities when we can. This I did in the 
opening photoop, which featured Khalil- 
zad, the generals and two Cheney aides. 
Here 1 introduced the trip's first 
unscripted moment. 

Ambassador Khalilzad, his right index 
finger still blackened with ink from his 
ceremonial participation in the previous 
week's elections, touted the dramatically 
increased turnout among Sunni Arabs 
"The postelection outreach to the Sunnis 
was under way: "Those conversations 
have started," he told Cheney quietly. The 
vice president said he was "delighted" to. 
be in Baghdad and glad to learn "on the 
ground" of the "great many successes." 
Among them he listed, with evident plea- 
sure, his staff's concealment from the 
media of this first destination. 

“Ме wouldn't have told anyone," I 
interjected. Cheney's head tilted upward. 
“We'd have been good." The room chuck- 
led, Cheney finished his remarks, and 
the journalists were soon hustled out of 
the spray and escorted to a nearby room 
to write, nap, kibitz or stare into space. 
But an important principle had been 
established: Reporters would not neces- 
sarily stand mute during the photo ops. 
Indeed, at the next one, where Cheney 
bade the generals good-bye while stand- 
ing outside the house's front door, he 
happily responded to some basic but 
fruitful questions I threw out: How was 
the briefing, sir? "Excellent." Anything 
surprise you? "A huge change of attitude 
of the Sunni population... The election 
was a major milestone." He took some 
follow-ups from my colleagues as well. 
Now we at least had usable sound. 

As if on cue, a white SUV rolled up 
and disgorged President Talabani, a 
Humpty Dumpty figure in thick wool 
pinstripes, who laboriously chugged the 
10 steps to greet Cheney, who wore a 
blue blazer and gray slacks. Inside ше 
residence Talabani praised his visitor as 
“a hero of liberating Iraq,” and Cheney 
forecast an "enormous impact" on the 
Middle East. A few minutes later Tala- 


128 bani waddled back to his SUV and drove 


off. If the schedule had been running 
like clockwork, the vice president and 
Khalilzad at that precise moment would 
have watched another SUV roll up bear- 
ing Prime Minister Al-Jaafari. Instead 
the minutes ticked by, and Cheney's 
pink, bald head began to glisten under 
Iraq's hot afternoon sun. For the next 15 
minutes the vice president stood around 
uselessly, rocking back and forth on his 
feet. Khalilzad grew visibly nervous. 
"The ambassador made small talk while 
the cameras kept rolling, and Cheney 
stiffened. It had probably been 15 years 
since he was last kept waiting like this! 
1 thought about crying out, “This is an 
outrage, Mr. Vice President! Heads are 
going to roll, no?" but then thought bet- 
ter of the idea. The reporters snickered 
among themselves and watched with a 
mixture of pity and glee as poor Khalil- 
zad struggled to fill the dead time. "This 
is quite an upward movement for me,” 
he said, glancing back at Tapioca House. 
"Then after a pause, "You going to take 
some time off when you get back?" 

When Al-Jaafari finally arrived, he 
blurted out, “1 thought only the ambas- 
sador would be here!” A balding, well- 
groomed man in beard and business suit, 
the prime minister could easily be mis- 
taken for a dapper pharmacist; certainly 
he showed complete ignorance of the 
photo op etiquette known even to nov- 
ice politicians. Most of them know intui- 
tively to mutter a few banal words before 
ordering the media out of the room and 
getting down to business, but Al-Jaafari 
went on at length, addressing Cheney as 
“your excellency,” thanking America for 
the “pressure” it brought to bear against 
Hussein's dictatorship and chastising UN 
Secretary General Kofi Annan for hay- 
ing opposed suffrage for Iraqi expatri- 
ates (“I insisted,” said Al-Jaafari). It got 
to the point where Khalilzad, who'd had 
his hands clasped in his lap, started dis- 
creetly circling his finger in the univer- 
sally understood motion that signifies 
“wrap it up,” and Chency politely sug- 
gested they could accomplish more with 
the media gone. 


Achopper ride away at Taji Air Base, the 
former home of Saddam Hussein’s elite 
Hammurabi division, Cheney struggled 
to hoist his hefty frame out of a pint-size 
armored Humvee. This stop was to be 
a crowning moment of the trip, a dem- 
onstration of the speed with which Iraqi 
security forces have taken the lead in the 
fight against terrorists and insurgents. 
Now sporting combat boots and a 
customized navy-blue bomber jacket 
emblazoned with the words MULTI- 
NATIONAL FORCE IRAQ, the vice president 
shook hands with about 45 alternately 
nervous and nonplussed Iraqi soldiers, 
each standing at attention in front of 
20 tanks belonging to the Iraqi army's 
Ninth Mechanized Infantry Division. 


None of the Iraqis spoke English. A 
Nebraska native, Cheney seemed to 
genuinely enjoy meeting the Americans 
оп hand, asking each one where he was 
from. With a smile and a tilt of his head 
he was able to convey that although he'd 
never served in the armed forces, he too 
was a regular guy from real America, not 
New York, L.A. or D.C., and that he was 
grateful to have even a fleeting chance to 
reconnect with like souls. For the media, 
however, glimpses of these moments had 
to be stolen. Prodded by Cheney's aides 
to stay 10 feet ahead of him at all times, 
the reporters were constantly backpedal- 
ing in perpetual motion along the great 
column of men, gravel and tanks. 

The genealogy of the Ninth's armored 
vehicles was complicated; many of the 
tanks were refurbished from the scrap 
heap. According to U.S. military officials 
interviewed on-site, six of the tanks were 
71-555, the Soviet model used in the inva- 
sions of Hungary in 1956 and Czechoslo- 
vakia in 1968, and the Arab-Israeli wars 
of 1967 and 1973. Four of the Iraqis old- 
new tanks, U.S. military personnel said, 
were T-72s, which, according to online 
sources, were also developed in the 
USSR and exported to non-Soviet War- 
saw Pact armies. There were also said to 
be four MTLBs, first introduced into the 
Soviet Army in 1964, and six BMP-3s, a 
1990 Russian model sold in large num- 
bers to the United Arab Emirates. If the 
Iraqi tanks were to be used in the advance 
of democracy, they had a history of own- 
ership and action in the service of some- 
thing quite different. 

Cheney's tour guide was Major Gen- 
eral Bashar Mahmoud Ayoub, a hairy, 
mustached ой burner of a man dressed 
in a beret and fatigues and wearing a 
Rolex. Once the top armored com- 
mander in the Hussein regime, Ayoub 
had run afoul of his patron and spent a 
year in Hussein's prisons. Now he was 
the proud commander of liberated Iraq's 
first tank unit. "Excuse my English," 
Ayoub apologized at the outset, “but 
maybe I can manage.” First he explained 
his unit's crest, which emphasizes 
national unity. (“We think Iraq is above 
all of us.") Then the general told how his 
men patrolled 73 polling sites in the 
December elections and helped make 
Iraq safe for democracy. Frightened Iraqi 
citizens in Ramadi gazed on the tanks, 
Ayoub recalled, and “they were so 
delighted. They said, “Will you stay with 
us?’ And we said, ‘Yes.’ They were so 
proud to see Iraqis with tanks, securing 
them.” Later an American officer took 
up this theme, asserting, “These tanks 
generated Iraqi votes.” 

“We will always protect against the ter- 
rorists," Ayoub assured Cheney, appar- 
ently unmindful of the unwelcome 
implication that protection from ter- 
rorists will “always” be required in Iraq. 
Despite minor gaffes like this, Ayoub 
possessed an undeniably commanding 


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presence, and his men appeared sharp 
and impressive. The Iraqi Ninth consists 
of three brigades, each boasting between 
1,500 to 3,000 soldiers and about 150 
combat vehicles. In the first brigade, 
stood up in October 2004, two of three 
battalions now "own their own battle 
space," according to the Defense Depart- 
ment, which means they can fight without 
Americans guaranteeing their hide. The 
second brigade, stood up in July 2005, 
began conducting joint combat opera- 
tions with American forces three months 
later and by December controlled 10 
"fixed sites," including high-value infra- 
structure, during the Iraqi elections. 

At each point along the tour, Ayoub 
showed Cheney a multicolored chart. 
One was titled "Success Stories." This 
chart said the division had found or cap- 
tured 77 improvised explosive devices 
(IEDS), six vehicle-borne IEDs, 16 weap- 
ons caches and 91 detainees. A final bul- 
let point far down on the chart read that 
the Ninth had uncovered a “large unex- 
ploded ammunition site used by ter- 
rorist [sic].” Asked about this last claim, 
Brigadier General Daniel Bolger, the tall, 
birdlike commander of the Coalition Mil- 
itary Assistance Training Team, who was 


Dirty 


assigned on this day to brief the media, 
exclaimed, "Their intelligence figured it 
out!" The depot, Bolger said, was located 
four miles north of the base at a site "the 
bad guys" had disguised as a junkyard. "It. 
was a hell ofa find," Bolger beamed, "the 
most significant in the past six months." 
Asked which "terrorist" had been using 
the depot, he cited “local Ansar al-Sunna 
and Jaish-e-Muhammad." The latter is а 
Pakistani group not known to have oper- 
ated inside Iraq 

Keep moving, people! By now Cheney 
was chatting up astorm with Major Scott 
Davis, American advisor to the third bat- 
talion of the Ninth's second brigade. 
Davis, who speaks fluent Arabic, exuded 
a kind of fraternal pride in the Iraqi divi- 
sion and its men. “We live with them. We 
sleep near them,” he told Cheney. “It's 
an honor and a privilege." Davis intro- 
duced his Iraqi colleague, Major Minir, 
to the vice president as "my counterpart 
and my brother." Thick, bespectacled 
and red-cheeked, Major Davis was on 
his second tour of duty—he had spent 
700 days in the Middle East, "about 299 
of them" in Iraq. Wittingly or otherwise, 
he almost flawlessly parroted the Bush 
administration's rhetoric. "We have to 


Duck. 


be right every percent of the time; the 
terrorists have to be right once," he told 
Cheney, echoing one of President Bush's 
favorite lines. While the vice president 
bonded with Davis, a trio of Iraqi infan- 
trymen ran their hands over the four 
open doors of a white SUV. Ostensibly 
this was to simulate the way they search 
for IEDs at a checkpoint, but they looked 
more like car-wash guys limply wiping off 
dashboard cleaner as part of the Ultra- 
Super Special ($16.99) 

General Ayoub wanted to cap off 
Cheney's tour of the unit with a dem- 
onstration of the tanks' mobility, during 
which Iraqis would scramble atop the 
armored vehicles and send them rolling 
off in precise formation. However, the 
general evidently thought he possessed 
insufficient authority to trigger this exer- 
сізе; either that or the Cheney aura sim- 
ply got to him. So the general turned to 
the man he believed did have the req- 
uisite authority, the famously influential 
vice president of the United States, and 
asked obligingly, “Sir, may I have your 
permission to move the tanks?" 

You could see Cheney blanch. Imperi- 
ously issuing orders to a decorated Iraqi 
general in front of the American press, 


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giving him the authority to move his 
own tanks in his own country, was hardly 
the message the vice president wanted 
to send. Тай was supposed to be an 
exhibition of growing Iraqi strength 
and command control. An awkward 
moment lingered until Ayoub came to 
his senses and, invoking no one's author- 
ity but his own, commanded his men to 
mount their tanks and roll out, a helter- 
skelter of shouted orders, victory cries 
and dust clouds. 

Soon it was off to the chow line under a 
camouflaged tent, where the vice presi- 
dent, joined by rank-and-file American 
and Iraqi soldiers, held up a tray to receive 
fatty servings of lamb, hummus and some 
gelatinous dish of indeterminate origin 


kick it today. From June 2003 to July 
2004, he began, “the issue was, How do 
we put an Iraqi face on this problem? 
We're way beyond that.” He disputed 

5 “nonsense” suggestions that Iraqi 
recruitment was declining or driven by 
unemployment. “There is no other deli- 
cate way to put it. It is nonsense. They 
come into the army out of a sense of—I 
mean, it is a job, but they could get the 
same amount of money they get in the 
army. For pay and hazardous duty they 
get about $300 a month, They could get 
that plantin’ one IED. And they could get 
far more than that. They could probably 
get that for planting one IED. I don't 
know what the street value is. But the 
point is they don't have to come into 


“That's really out of my league,” he said. 
But he insisted the process of training 
Iraqi security forces was “on track.” On 
track how? “Against the metrics we've 
established, which are both quantitative 
and qualitative." The police force, he 
conceded, was about six months behind 
the army and would probably defer to 
the military in the great task of estab- 
lishing “normalcy,” or civil order. “I 
think you'll see that in 2006, the Iraqi 
army will, in fact, be in the lead and 
that the year afterward we will begin— 
maybe provincially, by province, or in 
some other way—restoring civil secu- 
rity. And I keep saying we, but truly it's 
them, with our assistance." 

"That some American soldiers in 


that looked like 
vegetable lo mein. 
Those who'd spent 
time around Cheney 
could tell he was 
apprehensive about 
the meal; they could 
spot the muted 
expression on his 
face that showed him 
in anguished dia- 
logue with his dutiful 
self: Do I really have to 
eat this? Once again 
the media was per- 
mitted to record the 
august event. No one 
spoke as Cheney 
inched down the line 
toward us, so when 
he was about a foot 
away I decided to 
break the silence. 
“Has Mrs. Cheney 
approved all this?” 1 
asked. He smiled a 
mischievous grin and 
brought an index 
finger to his lips. 


While Cheney 
lunched with the 
troops, reporters 
sat in an unmarked 
shed for a briefing 


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Iraq did not share 
Dempsey's opti- 
mism about the war 
effort was made 
clear at Cheney's 
third and final stop 
in Iraq. This was the 
Al Asad Air Base, 
112 miles west of 
Baghdad, in the Al 
Anbar province, the 
пегуе center of the 
Sunni insurgency. 
More than 600 
Marines and other 
service members, 
dressed in camou- 
flage, rifles hang- 
ing casually off their 
shoulders, stood 
waiting in a giant 
hangar and ap- 
plauded ferociously 
when the vice presi- 
dent strode onstage 
to address them. 
Like Iraq's prime 
minister, the troops 
had no idea Che- 
ney was coming. 
“We've got a good 
deal. Be here in 
camis tomorrow,” 
they were told. Per- 
haps fearing he 
would disappoint 


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by Lieutenant General Martin E. Demp- 
sey, Bolger's boss and the top U.S. com- 
mander in charge of training Iraqi forces. 
"To the reporters on these trips, photo 
ops are the trimmings, the briefings the. 
meat, Here was where we could strut 
our stuff, show our knowledge, ask the 
brilliant questions that would unnerve 
the briefer and reduce him to stammer- 
ing incoherence or, better yet, unwitting. 
candor; only then would we penetrate all 
the carefully orchestrated imagery and 
bring ourselves and our viewers and 
readers to The Truth. 

Lean, muscular, pigeon-toed, his 
pug face topped with cropped gray 
hair, Marty Dempsey could have kicked 
your ass in high school, and he can still 


the army, and they're not in the army 
purely because of money.” 

Gesturing at his own set of multicol- 
ored charts attended to by a silent aide, 
Dempsey described how the coalition 
forces' effort to stand up an indigenous 
force of 325,000 men, with 130,000 
police officers, was mostly finished. 
“We're about two thirds built now, and 
by next summer—next fall, really—we'll 
be largely built out in the major muscle 
activities, combat power. But of course 
we'll have to fill in the blanks on the spe- 
cialized side—logistics, intelligence, com- 
munications and so forth." 

A reporter asked when American 
troops could start leaving Iraq in sig- 
nificant numbers. Dempsey demurred. 


the troops, Cheney opened with unchar- 
acteristically whimsical words: “Well, I'm 
not Jessica Simpson." 

Then the vice president bore down 
for a typical Cheney stump speech, read 
word for word in punishing monotone. 
All life drained instantly from the crowd, 
a group hungry only for a little enter- 
tainment, a little razzle-dazzle, the kind 
of crowd-pleasing swagger President 
Bush unfailingly delivers. At the end the 
Marines applauded politely, sapped of 
the energy with which they had greeted 
Cheney's entrance. 

Next Cheney retreated to a small tent, 
where he was to have a private talk with 
30 rank-and-file American soldiers. “If 


you've got any complaints, І can take “em 131 


АСТ E O Y 


132 


straight to the top," Cheney deadpanned. 
“Not sure it'll do any good, but..." 

Marine Corporal Bradley P. Warren, a 
machine gunner from St. Louis, kicked 
things off in blunt fashion. "From our 
perspective we don't see much as far as 
gains," Warren said. "I was wondering 
what it looks like from the big side of the 
mountain—how Iraq's looking. 

"Well, Iraq's looking good," Cheney 
replied. "It's hard sometimes, if you look 
at just the news, to have the good stories 
burn through. I think we've turned the 
corner, if you will. Ten years hence, we'll 
see that the year 2005 was in fact а water- 
shed year here in Iraq." 

Another Marine, Corporal В.Р. 
Zapella, asked simply, "Sir, what are the 
benefits of doing all this work to get 
Iraq on its fect?" Cheney urged him to 
envision an Iraq that no longer offers 
safe haven to terrorists, a U.S. ally in 
the Middle East. He then predicted 
the troops would see "changes in our 
deployment patterns probably within 
this next year." 

Now this was news! The line was 
quoted in wire reports around the 
world. Asked later what was meant by 
"changes in our deployment patterns," 
Cheney replied, "I didn't make a pre- 
diction in terms of 'By X date, such and 
such will happen." ] made it very clear 
we're not talking about timetables. You 
can sce a lot of adjustments already 
being made. It's some 30 bases that we 
used to occupy that we no longer occupy, 
that we've turned over to Iraqis. That's 
a big deal. Go back and look at what we 
did in Fallujah a year ago. As I recall 
the numbers, we had something like 11 
battalions, and the Iraqis had about five 
battalions. Our guys were basically in 
the lead, doing the heavy lifting. More 
recently, in the operation in Tal Afar 


a year later, it was almost exactly the 
reverse of that.” 


After spending another night in Oman, 
Cheney flew in the C-17 to Kabul. For 
the reporters, the Afghan leg of the 
trip was just shy of nightmarish. At one 

point, while Cheney and his convoy of 
black SUVs headed for the chopper 
that would take him to the residence of 
President Hamid Karzai, the press corps 
was nearly left behind. On our way into 
the parliament building we were has- 
sled and manhandled by the Afghan 
security team—skinny, bearded men 
with intense dark eyes and hair, bad 
teeth and submachine guns, sprinting 
around in 1970s polyester suits, agitated 
and frantic. A pushing match nearly 
ensued when a young military aide to 
the vice president, carrying a mysteri- 
ous black knapsack for the entirety of 
the trip, refused to submit it for the 
Afghans’ inspection. Women reporters 
searched by female guards reported 
being touched inappropriately. 

At the parliament building, the vice 
president and his wife sat through 
two hours of stupefying nationalist 
speeches, heard through an earpiece in 
which the translator's voice, owing to 
an errant switch, competed with inces- 
sant chatter in Pashto. The ceremony's 
only interesting moment came when 
Karzai professed Afghanistan's desire to 
have “good neighborly relations” with 
Iran and vowed not to interfere in her 
"internal affairs.” Such was the Afghan 
president's response to the tirades of 
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the presi- 
dent of Iran, vho a few days earlier 
had labeled the Holocaust a "myth" 
and defended his country's right to 
produce weapons-grade uranium. lt 


“How long have you been coughing up big bucks, Mr. Trump?" 


cannot have pleased Cheney to see Kar- 
zai, a moderate Muslim head of state 
whose ascension to power came on the 
strength of American military interven- 
tion, saying such decorous things about 
a fanatical disciple of the Islamic revo- 
lution who routinely denounced the 
United States and whose recent utter- 
ances included calling for Israel to be 
"wiped off the map." 

Afterward the Cheneys signed the visi- 
tors' book, and the vice president glanced 
back at the press pool as if to invite qui 
tions. "Did you enjoy the ceremony, sir? 
Tasked, thinking Cheney was now accus- 
tomed to playing ball with us, This delu- 
sion he appeared pleased to dispel with 
a sly smile, a single word ("yes") and his 
abrupt departure in the opposite direc- 
tion. In the trip's unspoken tug of wills, 
Thad made a tactical error. 1 felt foolish 
and resolved never again to ask Cheney 
a yes-or-no question. 

Now, as if by afterthought, the 
chopper assigned to ferry reporters 
to Cheney's next stop arrived 15 min- 
utes late and almost descended on top 
of us, sending us scattering with our 
arms over our heads and our backs to 
the chopper, its whup-whup-whuping 
blades creating a blinding dust storm 
and whipping pebbles at our calves. 
We struggled to clear the dust from 
our hair, mouths, eyes, contact lenses 
and clothes. Later we heard—from 
where or whom I never discerned— 
that 75 percent of Kabul’s dust con- 
sists of fecal matter from goats. 

In Islamabad Cheney met with Paki- 
stani president Pervez Musharraf, then 
choppered 65 miles northeast to Muzaf- 
farabad, near the epicenter of the 
earthquake that claimed more than 
70,000 lives last October. With reporters 
on the trip averaging two hours of 
sleep a night, many used the half-hour 
Chinook ride to pass out. At the foot of 
а steep mountain, local еге clad in 
motley rags and sneakers queued up 
for screening by members of the 212th 
Mobile Army Surgical Hospital and cast 
wary eyes on the exotic aliens arrayed 
before them, with their laptop computers, 
neckties and potbellies. Two days ear- 
lier the villagers had watched Ted 
‘Turner and his new squeeze drop by to 
see how his million dollars was being 
spent. In the remote world of Pakistani 
earthquake assistance, Muzaffarabad 
was the place to be. 

Joined by U.S. ambassador Ryan 
Crocker, a leathery-faced foreign-ser- 
vice lifer who had previously served as a 
diplomat to Syria, Kuwait and Lebanon, 
the Cheneys received a briefing in a tent 
from Rear Admiral Michael LeFever, 
commander of the Pentagon's disaster- 
assistance center in Pakistan. Thin and 
soft-spoken, LeFever raced through a 
PowerPoint presentation that showed 
how the U.S. military, on the scene 
within 48 hours of the quake, has helped 


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134 


administer America’s $510 million relief 
program. “This is the most rugged ter- 
rain I've seen in my life," LeFever said. 
"How do you get fuel in? By truck?" 
asked Cheney, the former energy execu- 
tive. "By truck," LeFever nodded. Of 
course Cheney knew how you get fuel to 
Muzaffarabad after an earthquake. He's 
been dealing with energy supply disrup- 
tions for decades! You didn't really think 
there was an angle the old master—White 
House chief of staff at 34, Lord of Hal- 
liburton at 54—had missed, did you? 
Then the Cheneys prowled the inter- 
connected set of heated tents that served. 
as the primary-care clinic, the emergency 
room, the intensive-care unit, the men- 
tal ward and the chapel. They met with 
recovering patients and some of the 350 
U.S. personnel whose efforts have made 
this by far the best medical facility in 
northern Pakistan. With near unanim- 
ity the patients told Cheney, through 
an interpreter, that while they hated the 
United States because of Iraq, they could 
now see America wasn't so bad after all. 
“To the consternation of her husband's 


aides—who thought she might be veer- 
ing toward a moment likc Barbara 
Bush's in Houston (wherein the former 
first lady suggested that because so many 
of the Hurricane Katrina evacuees "were 
underprivileged anyway," the Astrodome 
was "working very well for them”}—Mrs. 
Cheney told a reporter "about the grati- 
tude of the people we're helping. It's very 
touching. Some of them don't even—you 
know, they're living on a mountaintop 
and you don't even know what America 
is. And now you know what America is: 
help and mercy and love." 

"The entourage paused in the primary- 
care tent. Resolved to improve on my 
performance in Kabul, I shouted out an 
open-ended question. "Mr. Vice Presi- 
dent, could you tell us very briefly, sir, 
what goes through your mind when you 
come to a place like this, what strikes 
you?" (Read: Give us some usable sound.) 
He and LeFever looked at each other 
and agreed—silently, instantly—that to 
ignore the question would be unnatural, 
bad for business. "It's Бссп an amazing 
experience to see the extent of the dev- 


"I believe I'd be good eor this job because 


I'm a real people person. Now 


lo I get the job or not? I don't 


have all fucking day." 


astation," Cheney allowed, adding how 
impressed he was by the performance of 
the MASH unit. "So you're satisfied with 
how much the United States has done?" 
asked The Washington Times’ Bill Sam- 
mon. "We're doing a great deal here," 
Cheney snapped, irritated. "And it's а 
remarkable success." 


By day's end, word spread among the 
reporters that still another unscripted 
moment— Cheney's required presence 
back in Washington to break a tie in a 
Senate vote—was going to cut the trip. 
short. Saudi Arabia and Egypt, stops on 
Cheney's previous visit to the Middle 
East, would have to wait till next time. 
(Cheney returned to those countries in 
mid-January.) Aboard Air Force Tuo, where 
the narrow-waist, three-across, coach- 
class seating provided to the media was 
positively luxurious compared with the 
neck-breaking accommodations of the C- 
17, an aide ambled back to our section to 
announce some welcome news: The vice 
president would see us in his cabin, sans 
cameras, for a formal question-and- 
answer session, his first of the trip. 

I was the first to arrive, and I found 
Cheney seated in a tall chair like Captain 
Kirk's, studying an enormous loose-leaf 
binder with the vice president's seal on 
its cover, red and black Sharpies within 
reach and a darkened plasma screen on 
the wall before him. Mrs. Cheney sat 
across from him, her feet propped on the 
small desk that separated them, her head 
buried in reading material. “You must 
be sick of my face, Mr. Vice President,” I 
said, shaking his hand. 

“Notat all, Jim. Come on in.” I grabbed 
one of the three other seats and watched 
the bulk of my colleagues collapse 
into uncomfortable yoga positions at 
Cheney’s feet, thrusting their portable 
tape recorders at his mouth. Cheney was 
wearing a windbreaker, gray slacks and 
heavy brown hiking boots. 

Another awkward silence followed: We 
were in the sanctum sanctorum, Dick Cheney's 
cabin on Air Force Two. Once again I raced 
to fill the void. "Mr. Vice President," 1 
said with mock hauteur, "I had heard 
there would be hors d'oeuvres served." 

The crowd laughed nervously before 
Cheney said, “I can offer you a beer. 
Would you like a beer? Or a soda?” 1 
reckoned the situation, in the service of 
mutual ease, required acceptance of the 
vice president's initial offer. 

“1 shall have a beer," I said grandly, 
and an aide was promptly dispatched 
to fetch Amstels and Cokes. Cheney, 
who was nursing an increasingly trou- 
blesome cold—at Bagram he brazenly 
interrupted his hangar speech to blow 
his nose—abstained. 

Over the next half hour the reporters 
took their best shots at Cheney on a 
variety of topics: Iraq, the Middle East, 
the NSA viretaps. Asked to identify the 


best news and worst news conveyed by 
generals Abizaid and Casey, he replied, 
"The vice president shows up, you're not 
necessarily going to get the down and 
dirty." Besides, the accent here was on 
cold-eyed, pragmatic management, not 


the application of adjectives: "You dont 
think of good news, bad news. Неге" 
somcthing that needs to be fixed. Here's 
something that's working well, and it 
doesn't need any further adjustment. Let 
them roll for a while." 

Cheney grew most expansive in 
response to The New York Times’ Dick Ste- 
venson, who asked if the vice president 
was actively “reasserting” executive powers 
curtailed after Vietnam and Watergate. 
"Yes, 1 do have the view that over the 
years there had been an erosion of presi- 
dential power and authority," Cheney 
began. He denounced the 1973 War 
Powers Actand the Budget and Impound- 
ment Control Act of 1974 and urged his 
listeners to consult the minority report 
produced by the House Iran-Contra com- 
mittee and drafted, he said, by his own 
aide. “Part of the argument in Iran-Contra 
was whether or not the president had the 
authority to do what was done in the Rea- 
gan years,” Cheney said. “And those of us 
in the minority wrote minority views lay- 
ing out a robust view of the presidents 
prerogatives. 1 do believe that, especially 
in the day and age we live in, the nature 
of the threats we face—it was true during 
the Cold War, as well as what I think is 
true now—the president of the U 
States needs to have his constitutional 
powers unimpaired, if you will, in terms 
of the conduct of national security policy. 
"That's my personal vicw." 

Asked if the NSA controversy would 
reignite old debates about the limits of 
executive power, Cheney, one of the last 
veterans of the Watergate era still in 
government, said he was sure there 
would be a debate, an “important” one. 
But all the individuals under surveil- 
lance "are Al Qaeda or have an associa- 
tion with Al Qaeda," he emphasized. 
"It's not just random conversations. If 
you're calling Aunt Sadie in Paris, we're 
probably not interested. The criteria are 
very clear, very precise, very specific, 
very narrow. People running around, 
worrying about calling Mom in Chicago 
and somebody is listening in, no." 

When Dana Bash, the CNN reporter, 
wondered whether the NSA wiretaps 
might cause a "backlash" against the 
administration, Cheney disagreed. “I 
think when the American people look 
at this, they will understand and appre- 
ciate what we're doing and why we're 
doing it,” Cheney said. Then he deliv- 
ered the rather succinct message his 
trip to the Middle East, chaotic and 
truncated though it was, was meant to 
underscore. “It’s not an accident that 
we haven't been hit in four years.” 


WHERE 


HOW 


BUY 


Below is a list of retailers and Church & Co., available at 


manufacturers you can con- 
tact for information on where 
10 find this month's merchan- 
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equipment shown on pages 
26, 31-32, 96-101, 102- 
103 and 154-155, check the 
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nearest you, 


GAMES 

Page 26: Auto Assault, 
ncsoft.com. Major League 
Baseball 2K6, 2ksports 
.com. Mario Superstar Baseball, 
nintendo.com. MLB '06: The Show, 
us.playstation.com. MLB Slug- 
Fest 2006, midway.com. MVP 06 
NCAA Baseball, ea.com. Rumble 
Roses XX, konami.com. Tetris Shelves, 
bravespacedesign.com. TimeShift. 
atari.com. Tomb Raider: Legend, eidos 
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Pages 31-32: Brixton Academy, brixton- 
academy.co.uk. Fabric, fabriclondon 
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jamo.com. Links of London, linksof 
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Pages 96-101: Best of Class by Robert 
Talbott, Robert Talbott stores nation- 
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Church & Co. stores in 
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Robert Talbott Studio, 
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Gillette, available at drugstores nation- 
wide. Hermes, available at Hermes 
boutiques. Kenneth Cole, kennethcole 
.com. Nature's Gate, levlad.com. Nivea 
for Men, available at drugstores nation- 
wide. Peter Thomas Roth, peterthomas 
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BASEBALL 


(continued from page 66) 
Series in five games but lost the ALCS 
to Chicago in five. The Angels man- 
aged to win their division despite a 
team OPS (on-base percentage plus 
slugging percentage) of .734, which 
ranked 11th in the league. 
Off-season focus: The Angels claimed 
they wanted to add an impact bat but 
couldn't lure Paul Konerko away from 
the White Sox and refused to meet 
Boston's demands for Manny Ramirez 
or Baltimore's for Miguel Tejada. They 
managed to unload outfielder Steve 
Finley's contract on San Francisco but 
had to take Edgardo Alfonzo, who will 
provide infield depth. Аз а result, Darin 
Erstad moves back to center field after 
spending two seasons at first base. 
In-season prognosis: With the addi- 
tion of left-hander J.C. Romero, the 
Angels have the best bullpen in base- 
ball. Manager Mike Scioscia has shown 
he can get the matchups he needs 
for the arms he has ready. Whether 
the Halos can win depends on Casey 
Kotchman or Kendry Morales emerg- 
ing to claim primary first-base duties. 
Closing statement: Francisco Rodri- 
guez has handled the pressure of 
late-inning situations with ease since 
rising to prominence in the 2002 
postseason. He has power stuff and 
isn't bothered by rough stretches. 


4 Bullpens 
~ \ Most relief innings pitched: 
i 


Salomon Torres, Pirates (94.2); Scot 
ields, Angels (91.2); Ryan Madson, Phillies 
(87); Gary Majewski, Nationals (86); Justin 
Dudhscherer, As (85.2). Most holds: Tom 
Gordon, Yankees (33); Scot Shields, Angels. 
(33); Scott Eyre, Giants (32); Ryan Madson, 
Phillies (32); Julian Tavarez, Cardinals (32). 
Closers with the lowest oppo- 
nent's batting average against. 
(minimum 20 saves): Billy Wagner, 
Phillies (.165); Mariano Rivera, Yankees 
(177); Joe Nathan, Twins (183); Francisco Rodri- 
Euez, Angels ( 184); Huston Street, As ( 194) 
Lowest ERA in save situations 
(minimum 20 save opportunities): 
Mariano Rivera, Yankees (1.25); Brian 
Fuentes, Rockies (1.26); Ryan Dempster, 
Cubs (1.47); Billy Wagner, Phillies (1.48); 
Dustin Hermanson, White Sox (1.49). 


3. Texas 


Last season: 79-83. Third place, 16 
games out. Only eight times last year did 
an AL team score 10 or more runs and 
lose. “Texas did it two of those times. 

Off-season focus: Manager Buck Sho- 
walter continued to expand his power 
base, forcing GM John Hart into an 
advisory capacity and running Hart's 
ally, pitching coach Orel Hershiser, 
out of the organization. After failing to 


sign free-agent pitchers, the Rangers 
panicked and were bluffed into giving 
Kevin Millwood a five-year, $60 million 
contract. They also traded for Adam 
Eaton and Vicente Padilla to fill a rota- 
tion that retains none of its five mem- 
bers from last year's opening day. 
In-season prognosis: Owner Тот 
Hicks upped the payroll by $20 million 
to provide more pitching, which means 
he expects to win the division, some- 
thing the team hasn't done since 1999. 
The bullpen remains the Rangers’ vul- 
nerability, and the lineup's young core 
is beginning to show the same skepti- 
cism toward Showalter that players 
expressed during his previous stints 
with Arizona and New York. 

Closing statement: Francisco Cor- 
dero can dominate hitters but has to 
be more consistent in the strike zone 
to become a premier closer. 


Last season: 69-93. Last place, 26 games 
out. The Mariners arc the first team to 
go from back-to-back 90-win seasons to 
back-to-back 90-1055 seasons since the 
1913-1916 Philadelphia A's. 
Off-season focus: They claim to have 
added left-handed power to the lineup 
and strengthened the rotation, but the 
reality is the Mariners agreed to pay 
$37.5 million to lefty Jarrod Washburn 
for four ycars and had to give Kevin 
Appier a minor-league deal. For offense 
they signed Carl Everett and Matt Lawton, 
both of whom are past their prime. 
In-season progno: Forget about 
contending; the Mariners would have 
to overachieve to avoid a third consecu- 
tive last-place finish. Vast Safeco Field 
can hide a subpar pitching staff for only 
so long, and the offense doesn't have 
enough explosiveness to carry the load. 
Closing statement: Eddie Guardado, 
or Everyday Eddic, as he was known in 
Minnesota, has above-average stuff, but 
more important, he can hit his spots. 


м 
Atlanta Braves 


Last season: 90-72. First place, lost to 
Houston in the Division Series. Atlanta 
has won a pro-sports-record 14 con- 
sccutive division titles, and manager 
Bobby Cox has won division titles in his 
past 15 full seasons, including his final 
year with Toronto in 1985. 
Off-season focus: The Braves were 
unable to re-sign free agent Rafael Furcal 
and had to part with prime third-base 
prospect Andy Marte to get veteran 
Edgar Renteria from Boston. Concerns 
continue to grow about Wilson Betemit, 
a onetime superprospect 

In-season prognosis: The Braves' 
lincup got a big lift from the arrival of 


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138 


farm-system products Jeff Francoeur 
and Ryan Langerhans a year ago, but 
the key this year will be finding a quality 
closer. Jf Atlanta is able to fill that need, 
it stands to add another title to its legacy 
in what should be the weakest NL East 
in the decade since the league went to 
the three-division format. 

Closing statement: Right-hander Chris 
Reitsma was a two-month wonder who 
faded in August last year. His consistency. 
remains a question. Good thing Bobby 
Cox is used to mixing and matching his 
way through the late innings. 


Last season: 83—79. Tied for third place, 
seven games out. The Mets had a win- 
ning record for the first time since 2001, 
adding 12 victories to their 2004 total. 


Off-season focus: The Mets had to 
improve their pen, particularly the back 
end, and made a statement by luring 
free agent Billy Wagner to close games. 
To make sure they can reach Wagner, 
the Mets were willing to juggle their 
rotation to add middle-relief depth, 
trading Kris Benson to Baltimore for 
Jorge Julio and sending Jae Seo to the 
Dodgers for Duaner Sanchez. 
In-season prognosis: The pressure is 
on the Mets to unseat the Braves, par- 
ticularly after they went to the expense 
of adding big bat Carlos Delgado to go 
along with Wagner's arm. The improve- 
ments came at the cost of the rotation. 
That means the team will need a break- 
out scason from Aaron Heilman. 
Closing statement: Wagner overpowers 
hitters, regardless of which side they hit 
from, and he never backs down. 


"I may be a wealthy city girl, Mr. Rawlings...but I do have a knack 
for making things grow! 


Philadelphia Phillies 


Last season: 88-74. Second place, two 
games out. The Phillies have made it 
to October only once since 1983—in 
1993, when they lost to Joe Carter's 
Blue Jays in the World Series. 
Off-season focus: From the start the 
Phillies knew they needed to bolster 
their pitching staff, and the challenge 
grew when Billy Wagner left for Shea 
Stadium. They had to settle on the aging 
"Tom Gordon as a closer, and they also 
brought in lefty reliever Arthur Rhodes, 
right-hander Julio Santana and starting 
candidate Ryan Franklin. 

In-season prognosis: Growing frustra- 
tions led to the firing of general manager 
Ed Wade and the hiring of Pat Gillick, 
who has built playoff teams in Toronto, 
Baltimore and Seattle. It’s going to take 
more than one winter for Gillick to get 
the Phillies back on track. 

Closing statement: Tom Gordon has 
a great curveball, but he’s now 38 
years old. The team has to wonder if 
his body will hold up. 


ain 4. Washinglen Natlenals 


Lost season: 81-81. Last place, nine 
games out. Washington struggled offen- 
sively, finishing last in the NL in batting 
average (.252), runs (639), home runs 
(117), stolen bases (45) and slugging 
percentage (.386). 

Off-season focus: The Nationals found 
hope in their inaugural season in the 
capital, but that didn't help them over- 
come the limitations of being owned by 
the league or alleviate their continuing 
uncertainty about a stadium. Even when 
they made an off-season move and added 
Alfonso Soriano, they created a club- 
house stir because he refused to move 
from second base to the outfield. 
In-season prognosis: Matching last 
year's 81 wins will be a challenge. With 
an offense ill-suited to their enormous 
ballpark and a piecemeal rotation, the 
Nats will be thankful they're in the 
same division as the Marlins. 

Closing statement: Chad Cordero ranks 
with Oakland's Huston Street as one of 
the game's elite young closers. He doesn't 


have a closer's fastball, but he doesn't 
know it. He has the mind-set to finish 
games and will challenge hitters. 


Last season: 83-79. Tied for third 
place, seven games out. The only player 
sull around from last year's opening-day 
lineup is Miguel Cabrera, and he is mov- 
ing from the outfield to third base. 
Off-season focus: For the second time 
in seven years, the Marlins had a fire 
sale, slashing payroll that was a franchise 
record $66 million last year to less than 
$30 million this year—and that includes 
money being paid to former Fish Pudge 
Rodriguez, Al Leiter and Carlos Del- 
gado, who now play elsewhere. 
In-season prognosis: The 2006 cam- 
paign could make Florida's 1998 cost- 
cutting season (which brought 108 
losses) seem like a good time. This is a 
team with no veteran influence in the 
clubhouse and a rookie manager, Joe 
Girardi, whose coaching experience соп- 
sists of one year on the Yankees bench 
next to Joe Torre. 

Closing statement: Joe Borowski, a one- 
time closer for the Cubs, has battled inju- 
ries but showed flashes of his old stuff 
at Tampa Bay in the second half of last 
season. Still, the Marlins will be looking 
for a young arm to push him aside. 


1. Chicago Cans 


Last season: 79-83. Fourth place, 21 
games out. The Cubs big three of Kerry 
Wood, Greg Maddux and Mark Prior 
have combined to win 57 games in the 
past two seasons. 

Off-season focus: Chicago had to 
rebuild a bullpen that had become 
a long-term headache. The club re- 
signed Ryan Dempster, who took over. 
closing duties last year, and paid $23 
million in three-year deals to jour- 
neyman relievers Bob Howry, a right- 
hander, and Scott Eyre, a lefty. It also 
exercised an option on Scott William- 
son, who the team hopes will duplicate 
Dempster's recovery by coming back 
strong from elbow surgery. 
In-season prognosis: With a 
revamped outfield—the Cubs added 
Juan Pierre to bat leadoff and Jacque 
Jones to provide mid-lineup produc- 
tion—the North Siders have every rea- 
son to expect a division title. Keep an 
eye on the Dusty Baker soap opera: 
The manager could walk even if he's 
offered an extension, 

Closing statement: Right-hander 
Dempster moved into the closer's role 
early last season and responded to the 
challenge. He has the makeup, but 
does his reconstructed elbow have the 
strength to throw back-to-back seasons? 


Last season: 100-62. First place, swept 
San Diego in the Division Series, lost 
to Houston in six games in the NLCS. 
The Cardinals have won 205 games 
in the past two regular seasons but no 
world championship. 

ОН-зеазоп focus: After being swept by 
Boston in the World Series two years ago. 
and not earning a return trip in 2005, 
the Cards decided to rebuild their pitch- 
ing staff. Spurned by A.J. Burnett, they 
had to gamble on Sidney Ponson. With 
Larry Walker's retirement and Reggie 
Sanders's departure, the outfield also 
needed to be revamped. And St. Louis 
fans can only hope third baseman Scott 
Rolen bounces back after two surgeries 
on his right shoulder. 
In-season prognosis: A welcome move 
into a new ballpark will be the high- 
light ofa disappointing season. Budget 
limitations didn't allow the Cardinals to 
add an impact player in the off-season. 
And even if Ponson can equal departed 
right-hander Matt Morris's perfor- 
mance on the field, Morris will still be 
missed in the clubhouse. 

Closing stctement: Jason Isringhau- 
sen is the most overlooked closer in the 
game. He doesn't have the dominating 
pitch, but he has shown he can do the 
job for a championship team. 


= 


Almost Gone 

Batters with the most fly- 

ball outs of more than 380 
feet: Hank Blalock, Rangers (19); Troy Glaus, 
Diamondbacks (17); Raul Ibanez, Mariners 


(16); Hideki Matsui, Yankees (16); David Ortiz, 
Red Sox (16); Jimmy Rollins, Phillies (16). 


Last season: 81-81. Third place, 19 
games out. The Brewers not only ended 
astretch of 12 consecutive losing seasons 
with last year's .500 finish, but for the 
first time in five years they avoided 
losing more than 93 games. 

Off-season focus: Derrick Turnbow 
emerged last season to fill the closer's 
role, but the Brewers knew they 
needed arms to bridge between him 
and the starters. They reacquired for- 
mer closer Dan Kolb, who was a bust in 
Atlanta last year, and picked up Dave 
Bush in the trade that sent Lyle Over- 
bay to Toronto. They also added a vet- 
eran third baseman, Corey Koskie, to 
go with kid infielders J.J. Hardy, Rickie 
Weeks and Prince Fielder. 

In-season prognosis: The Brewers 
haven't been to the postseason since 
1982, and there's little reason to think 
that will change in 2006. However, 
if they avoid health issues—and that 
means Ben Sheets rebounding from the 
bum shoulder that cost him the final six 


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weeks of 2005—they can hang around 
the fringes of the postseason race. 
Closing statement: Power pitcher 
‘Turnbow is the latest unknown who has 
surfaced to save games for GM Doug 
Turnbow will have to dominate 
th this season. 


Last season: 89-73. The NL wild-card 
winner beat Atlanta in the Division Series 
in four games and St. Louis in the NLCS 
in six before being swept by the White 
Sox in the World Series. The Astros 
scored three or fewer runs in 74 games, 
losing 54 of them. 

Off-season focus: Despite their need for 
offense, the Astros went looking for ways 
to save money, including filing a $15.6 
million insurance claim in hopes of end- 
ing Jeff Bagwell's career. The only signif- 
icant addition to a team that ranked 11th 
in the league in runs scored and 13th in 
on-base percentage was Preston Wilson, 
who struck out 148 times last season. 
In-season prognosis: The Astros will 
struggle to avoid a losing season, which 
would be only their second in 16 years. 
Houston's refusal to offer arbitration to 
pitcher Roger Clemens and the insur- 
ance fiasco with Bagwell, the most critical 
clubhouse force on the roster, may cost 
the team two of its leaders 

Closing statement: Brad Lidge strug- 
gled in the postseason, and any misstep 
will be blamed on that. But he has an 
electric slider, and he spent the off-season 
working on a split-fingered pitch 


Last season: 67-95. Last place, 33 
games out. The Pirates have suffered 
a franchise-record 13 straight losing 
seasons, three shy of the major-league 
record set by the Phillies from 1933 
to 1948. 

Off-season focus: After finishing 14th 
in the NL in offense, Pittsburgh looked 
to add lumber. The team traded for 
hometown hero Sean Casey and signed 


free-agent outfielder Jeromy Burnitz and 
third baseman [oe Randa. It's counting 
on Burnitz's left-handed power to com- 
plement right-hand-hitting Jason Bay. 
In-season prognosis: The Pirates’ 
payroll jumped from $32 million to 
$47 million, thanks to revenue gener- 
ated in part by hosting the 2006 АП- 
Star Game, but that won't fill the holes 
caused by a farm system that has been 
mostly barren for a decade. 

Closing statement: Left-hander Mike 
Gonzalez will move from his setup role to 
the ninth inning. He's a good strikeout 
pitcher but has been untested as a closer. 


Money Pitch 

Pitchers with the most 

called third strikes with 
runners in scoring position: 
A.J. Burnett, Marlins (21); Chris Capuano, 
Brewers (21); Brett Myers, ies (19); Erik 
Bedard, Orioles (18); Roger Clemens, Astros. 
(18); Livan Hernandez, Nationals (18); Este- 
ban Loaiza, Nationals (18). 


Lost season: 73-89. Fifth place, 27 games 
out. The Reds' 5.15 ERA was the highest 
in the NL (even higher than Colorado's) 
and ranked 28th in the majors, ahead of 
only Tampa Bay and Kansas City. 
Off-season focus: Cincinnati wel- 
comed new owner Bob Castellini, 
whose first move was to fire GM Dan 
O'Brien after only his second year on 
the job. That won't change much on 
the field, though. The addition of lefty 
Dave Williams, who brings a career line 
of 17-26 from the Pirates, will do little 
to help a mediocre pitching staff. 
In-season prognosis: Castellini quickly 
took to the limelight and has shown he's 
going to meddle. That doesn't Боде well 
for manager Jerry Narron, who had this 
team playing respectably at the end of 
last season but hasn't been given any rea- 
son to think it will be better in 2006. 
Closing statement: This is why 
managers get fired. After former first- 


round draft pick Ryan Wagner struggled 
to survive in the major leagues, much less 
to save games, David Weathers, a middle 
reliever who is somewhat past his prime, 
was forced into the closer role. 


` 


Last season: 75-87. Third place, seven 
games out. After drawing 232 walks in 
2004, Barry Bonds was limited to nine 
free passes in 52 plate appearances in 
2005. The Giants ranked 15th in the NL, 
with only 431 walks. 

Off-season focus: After overestimating 
the ability of their young arms, the Giants 
invested $27 million in a three-year con- 
tract for Matt Morris to put another 
veteran alongside Jason Schmidt in the 
rotation. They also unloaded Edgardo 
Alfonzo, opening third base for Pedro 
Feliz, but they had to take on outfielder 
Steve Finley as a result. 

In-season prognosis: Bonds's avail- 
ability will be the key. He skipped the 
World Baseball Classic because of health 
concerns after three operations on his 
right knee last year. The Giants hope 
he will play in at least 100 games, as he. 
is enough to make the difference in the 
league's weakest division. 

Closing statement: Armando Benitez is 
an old warrior coming back from a new 
injury. Whether hell be healthy enough 
at his age and with his ailments to be 
effective remains to be seen. 


Lost season: 71-91. Fourth place, 11 
games out. The combined 1,177 games 
Dodgers players missed because of inju- 
ries in 2005 was the most in 20 years. 
That total includes 366 missed by eight 
members of the opening-day lineup. 

Off-season focus: Owner Frank 
McCourt did a major makeover, fir- 
ing GM Paul DePodesta and replac- 
ing departing manager Jim Tracy with 


Grady Little. New GM Ned Colletti then 
rebuilt the infield, bringing in third base- 
man Bill Mueller, shortstop Rafael Furcal 
and first baseman Nomar Garciaparra to 
go with holdover Jeff Kent. 

In-season prognosis: The Dodgers 
have reason to feel they can make a run 
at a division without a clear-cut favorite, 
as long as closer Eric Gagne can bounce 
back from the elbow surgery that limited 
him in 2005. The lineup will certainly 
have a new look, with Kent and right 
fielder J.D. Drew the only remaining 
starters from opening day last year. 
Closing statement: Having recovered 
from his injury—the Dodgers hope—a 
trimmed-down Gagne will try to once 
again dominate as he did when convert- 
ing a record 84 consecutive save oppor- 
tunities, a streak that ended in 2004. 


Last season: 67-95. Last place, 15 
games out. Rockies relievers failed 
in 12 of 19 save chances during their 
15—36 start but converted 30 of 44 and 
lowered their ERA from 6.75 to 4.25 in 
the final 111 games 

Off-season focus: After starting last 
year with five rookies among the seven 
pitchers in their pen, the Rockies 
decided they needed veteran stability to 
help Brian Fuentes, who emerged as the 
closer in mid-May and converted 31 of 
33 opportunities. They re-signed Mike 
DeJean, a mid-2005 pickup, added Jose 
Mesa, who has dosing experience, and 
found a lefty, Ray King, to serve as Fuen- 
tes's primary setup man. 

In-season prognosis: The Rockies 
have surprise potential. In 2005 the 
newcomers settled in and battled back 
from a horrendous beginning to finish 
with a winning record over the final two 
months. None of the young players had 
a career year, and Todd Helton had the 
least productive season of his carcer, so 
chances are the offense will grow. 
Closing statement: Southpaw Fuen- 
tes, a sidearmer with plus stuff and no 
fear, arrived as a major-league-caliber 
closer a year ago. Нез the reason Col- 
orado now has a chance to win when 
it takes a lead to the ninth. 


Diego Padres 


Last season: 82-80. First place, swept 
by St. Louis in the NL Division Series. 
Counting their playoff losses, the Padres 
were the first team ever to appear in the 
postscason and finish below .500. 

Off-season focus: The Pads weren't 
blinded by their division title. Fourteen 
of 25 players from the postseason roster 
were gone before spring training started. 
San Diego focused оп shoring up its 
defense, which is vital in a park the size 
of Petco. But can the gloves of third base- 
man Vinny Castilla and center fielder 
Mikc Cameron—whose arrival allows 


Dave Roberts to move to 1ей—оЯзег the 
offensive struggles they will face in a 
pitchers’ park? 

In-secson prognosis: The Padres 
moved Petco's right-center fence in by 11 
feet, making it a mere 402 feet from the 
plate. This won't be enough to juice up 
an offense that can count on only Brian 
Giles to produce runs consistently. With. 
a spotty rotation, the Padres lack what it 
takes to win, even in their division. 
Closing statement: Trevor Hoffman's 
пог what he once was, but his competi- 
tiveness makes him better than his stuff. 
And he still bas a premium changeup. 


Last season: 77-85. Second place, five 
games out. By dealing pitcher Javier 
Vazquez to the White Sox and third base- 
man Troy Glaus to Toronto, Arizona was 
able to unload contracts worth $56.75 
million over the next three years. 
Off-season focus: The Diamond- 
backs feel they have a cache of young 
players coming along, so ownership 
wanted to cut salary as much as pos- 
sible to help pay down long-term 
debt. Tony Clark and Shawn Green 
are the only position players under 
contract past 2006, and Clark isn't 
even projected for everyday duty. Of 
the pitchers, only Brandon Webb and 
Russ Ortiz are signed past this year. 
In-season prognosis: The D-backs 
are preaching improvement, but they 
traded Glaus, their only feared hitter, 
because management didn't think he 
worked hard enough. After dealing 
Vazquez, the team is left with Brandon 
Webb as its lone dependable starter. 
Closing statement: Brandon Lyon 
can survive if he hits his spots, but 
he's not a power guy. Expect Arizona 
to look for an upgrade. 


Statistical support provided by Stats LLC. 


/ '« The Book 

b Never swing at a 3-0 pitch? 

Teams with the highest per- 

centage of swings on a 3-0 count: 
Rangers (12.3), Tigers (10.9), Angels (10.5), 
Mariners (9.9), Astros (9.8). 
Don't use your closer before 
the ninth? Teams with the most 
saves of four or more outs: Ns 
(13), Blue Jays (12), Diamondbacks (11), 
Devil Rays (10), Angels (8). 
Never walk the leadoff hitter? 
Teams with the most walks 
allowed to an inning's leadoff 
batter: Devil Rays (125), Pirates (122), 
Royals (119), Cubs (118), Rockies (115). 
Never give up a home run on an 
0-2 count? Teams allowing the 
most homers on an O-2 count: 
Red Sox (13), Cubs (10), Rangers (10), 
Reds (9), Astros (8), Twins (8). 


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PLAYBOY 


PARTY SCHOOLS 


(continued from page 109) 
Susan Tedeschi and Jeff Tweedy all 
stopped off in Mad Town. Not bad for a 
school with a sharp academic reputation. 


UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA, 
SANTA BARBARA 

Perched on the sandy Pacific coast, UCSB 
is an intellectual’s paradise: a school full of 
brains who know how to party. Students 
surf to class from their beachfront dorms. 
The school’s mest popular course is Geogra- 
phy of Surfing. While dude remains a staple 
in the vernacular, these students are hardly 
burnouts. The UCSB faculty boasts five 
Nobel laureates honored in the past eight 
years. With the City of Angels and Big Sura 
road trip away, this is California at its best. 


ARIZONA STATE UNIVERSITY 

The ASU campus—an Eden-like desert 
oasis full of orange and palm trees—fea- 
tures some serious sightseeing. ASU's stu- 
dents are renowned for their pulchritude 
and for skirts that resemble hula hoops. 
The Tempe, Arizona region has more 
sunny days per year (300) than any other 
in America. Whether it's the bars on Mill 
Avenue or the massive party that surrounds 
the Fiesta Bowl every January, there's no 
end to the fun at ASU, No wonder it has the 
highest enrollment in the country. 


INDIANA UNIVERSITY, BLOOMINGTON 
In recent years everyone from USA Today 
to Time and Newsweek has named this school 


one of the best when it comes to student life. 
The Princeton Review called it the number 
one beer-drinking school in America. It's 
the only school in the world where students 
can honestly say they're majoring in sex 
and doing their homework while watching 
Vivid videos at the Kinsey Institute, which 
houses the papers of sexual explorer Alfred 
Kinsey. If this school is known for any one 
thing, however, it's the Little 500 intramu- 
ral bike-and-bocze fest that inspired the 
1979 movie Breaking Away. 


SAN DIEGO STATE UNIVERSITY 
Where else can you hit the beach in 
the morning, eat huevos rancheros in 
Tijuana and still make it to your first class 
on timc? In addition to the weather and 
prime location, SDSU features a football 
program with home games at Qualcomm 
Stadium, where Super Bowl XXXVII was 
played. Nearby Pacific Beach is one of 
California's hippest seaside enclaves, with 
bars like Moondoggies and the Typhoon 
Saloon. San Diego's high quality of liv- 
ing isn't drawing just students; SDSU has 
attracted more than $516 million in exter- 
nal research grants in the past six years, 
dollars that trickle down to undergrads. 


FLORIDA STATE UNIVERSITY 
"Тһе best party in Florida every year forms 
around Doak Campbell Stadium when 
FSU hosts the University of Florida or the 
University of Miami. “The entire city starts 
to load up two days beforehand,” says stu- 
dent Mike Ellis. Don't get us wrong; FSU is 


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a good time on any night. The Greek sys- 
tem is huge, the non-Greek party scene is 
justas big, and the jazz clubs in Tallahassee 
offer a great night on the town. Bonus: You 
have to hand it to a faculty that includes 
two PLAYBOY contributors—philosophy 
professor Michael Ruse (Faith & Reason, 
April) and English prof Mark Winegardner 
(NASCAR Crash Course, October 2005). 


OHIO UNIVERSITY 

At Ohio the students aren't the only ones 
who know how to have a good time. "One 
of the craziest weekends is moms’ week- 
end,” says junior Kamelia Berke (seen 
on page 115). “You'll sce moms in frat 
houses—some are more out of control than 
their kids!” Ohio hosts a notorious 25,000- 
strong Halloween block party that’s known 
as the Mardi Gras of the Midwest, and it 
has a raging Greek scene. Court Street in 
Athens (not to be confused with Athens, 
Georgia) is a bargoer's paradise. 


UNIVERSITY OF GEORGIA 

The country's preeminent college music 
scene emanates from the dozens of clubs 
within a one-mile radius of this school's 
campus. From the 40 Watt Club (which 
helped launch Athens-born band R.E.M.) 
to the Georgia Theatre (which serves as 
the backdrop for John Maycr's "No Such 
Thing" video) to Tasty World (the cool- 
est club on Broad Street), no school howls 
louder than Georgia when the sun sets. 
UGA isalso famous for its football, its bar 
scene and its beautiful women. "Even 
when they wear their pajamas to class, 
they're still hot," onc student tells us. 


UNIVERSITY OF TENNESSEE 

"This place is all about Southern belles and 
Southern hospitality" says Tennessee stu- 
dent Adam Bryant. "It's real laid-back. And 
Southern women? They're hard to beat.” 
Turns out you get what you ask for in 
Elvis's home state: great local music, beau- 
tiful women, plenty of cheesesteaks and a 
party scene to rival any other. School spirit 
blazes in Knoxville. When the Volunteers 
play, some 900 boats line the Tennessee 
River for a "sailgate" outside 104,079-seat 
Neyland Stadium. Simply wearing orange 
will get you free beer at most parties, and as 
General Robert R. Neyland himself might 
have asked, isn't that half the battle? 


MCGILL UNIVERSITY 
Canada's equivalent of an Ivy, McGill is sit- 
uated in the heart of Montreal, and student 
life pours out into the "city of sin.” The 
drinking age is 18. The city boasts bevies 
of sophisticated francophone women, "the 
most vibrant indie-rock scene in the world 
right now," according to music mag Under 
the Radar, and the swankiest strip clubs this 
side of Vegas. Montreal isalso arguably the. 
best hockey town on the planet, and Cana- 
diens games are a staple. When students 
need a break? The Mont Tremblant ski 
resort is only 90 minutes away. 


SUICIDE WATCH 


(continued from page 94) 
only white man in view. Tried not to 
note how brusquely he was ordered to 
empty his pockets, turn his pockets inside. 
out, remove his shoes and pass through a 
metal detector. Tried not to mind being 
frisked by a frowning guard who avoided 
eye contact. 

But never had he entered such a 
place: the Philadelphia House of Deten- 
tion for Men. 

Psychiatric ward. 

This was a fact: Niorde, Seth M. had been 
a patient at several drug rehabilitation 
clinics (Hartford, New York City). But 
the father had not visited the son in these 
places. The mother had visited him; that 
had seemed sufficient at the time. 

In the visitors' lounge he was escorted 
to a small table and told to wait, and so 
with increasing anxiety he waited. Here 
too Niorde, Laurence C. was the only Cau- 
casian in sight. He was 57—a youthful 
57—but he was the oldest individual in 
the room. In his businessman clothes, he 
was weirdly dressed. He was perspiring 
and short of breath and not so immacu- 
lately groomed as he'd been 15 hours 
before in another time zone. Still you 
had only to glance at him to recognize a 
man with resources. А man unth investments, 
‚properties. Не had residences in Fairfield, 
Connecticut; Wellfleet, Massachusetts; 
Boca Raton, Florida. He was a man not 
inclined to shift in his seat nervously, to 
tug at his shirt collar, to wipe his forehead 
with wadded tissue. A man not inclined 
to glance up anxiously at strangers. 

The son Seth, looking like a stranger! 
Though of course the father recognized 
the son immediately. 

Now there were two Caucasian males 
in the room. 

A guard was bringing the son to the 
father, bypassing other guards, visitors. 
The father stared at the son's bandaged 
arms held stiffly at his sides. The son's sal- 
low slack face and scratched-glassy eyes. 
How weak-limbed the son appeared, like 
an elderly man negotiating а tilting floor. 

“Oh God. Seth.” 

With a twitchy smirk-smile the son 
acknowledged the staring father. “'S me." 

It wasn't clear what the son had mum- 
bled. It’s me? 

Like a load of damp sand off a shovel 
the son sank into a grimy vinyl chair. 
The father’s nostrils began to pinch; 
immediately he smelled something 
dank, tarry-fetid. So the visit began. Like 
a small rudderless boat being tossed in 
the waves of a river too vast to be seen, 
so the father felt himself dazed, desper- 
ate. He had only one question to ask. 
But he dared not ask his question too 
quickly. Too emphatically. Too obviously. 
He assured the son, or anyway tried to 
assure the son, who might have been 
listening, that he would arrange for a 
lawyer for him by noon tomorrow. He 


would post bail. He would insist upon 
private medical care. As soon as the 
son was released.... The father was dis- 
tracted by a large glaring clock on the 
facing wall. Visiting hours in the facil- 
ity ended at nine P.M.; he hadn't been 
escorted into the lounge until 8:35 р.м. 
‘The father was distracted by the busy- 
ness and commotion of the place. Tables 
spanned the breadth of the overheated, 
low-ceilinged room, and most of these 
tables were being used. Visitors were fac- 
ing inmates—blacks, Hispanics—some 
of them speaking loudly, excitedly. The 
father hadn't been prepared for so 
many others. Having to raise his voice 
tobe heard and then uncertain if he was 
being heard. The father was not dressed 
appropriately; Ве’А become itchy-warm 
and so felt the need to remove his suit 
coat and hang it on the back of his grimy 
vinyl chair. The father was speaking to 
his mostly unresponsive son ina lowered 
voice not meant to sound anxious. Not 
wanting to sound as if he were begging. 

Each time the father glanced up at the 
glaring clock the minute hand leaped 
forward. Twenty minutes remained. 

"The father hadn't booked a hotel room 
in Philadelphia for the night. Beyond 
nine р.м. the father hadn't allowed him- 
self to think. 

“Can I! How'd I know that, Dad?" 

What was Seth saying? The father 
hadn't exactly heard. The father wasn't 
surc if the son was responding to some- 
thing the father had said or if the son was 
saying something unrelated, belatedly, in. 
a slurred mumble. The son was partially 
hiding his mouth with his hand; his front 
teeth were stained the hue of urine. And 
there was the fetid breath of teeth rotting 
in the son's jaws. 

“Trust me? Of course you can trust 
me. If you know where the boy is..." 

It seemed urgent to touch the son. 
Touching by visitors and inmate- 
patients was not forbidden. Yet the 
father could not bring himself to touch 
the son, though the son was slouched 
in his chair only two or three feet 
away. One of the son's hands hovered 
at his mouth; the other was a scabby- 
knuckled fist on the table. 

Impossible to close your fingers in 
a gesture of sympathy around a tight- 
clenched fist. 

"Seth? If ista has him, if you know 
where Christa is..." 

“Told you, and I told them. Don't know 
where'n hell Ch'ista went." 

“But...did she take him? Kenny?" 

А small trusting face, luminous eyes. 
The father had not seen the grandson 
in months, which had been a mistake he 
didn't recall having made, as in a dream 
in which something has gone terribly 
and irrevocably wrong but the dreamer 
can't recall what it is, still less how to 
grieve for it. 

“Must’ve. I told them. Must've told 
you, 1 told them.” 


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143 


РЕАУВОУ 


144 


The father wondered if them meant the 
police officers. The father didn't want to 
risk inquiring. 

Important to keep the son speak- 
ing. To keep eye contact. То appeal to 
the son. Yet not to beg, for begging had 
never seemed to work. 

The father had vowed last time, and 
the time before that, he would not beg. 
the son again. He would not. 

"Sec, what it's like.... It's like cement, 
in your gut.” 

“Cement? What is like cement?” 

Seth yawned. Suddenly, a luxuriant 
yawn. The terrible rotting breath that 
made the father's nostrils pinch. 

This time it was methamphetamine, 
the father had been informed. Previ- 
ously it had been crack cocaine. In 
prep school, marijuana, cocaine. Once 
the son had been a beautiful boy who'd 
taken clarinet lessons, had an interest 
in astronomy, a boy whose high grades 


came with a minimum of effort; this was 
official family history. 

^...trying to shit cement. In your gut. 
Time. When it doesn't pass." 

"Seth, what are we talking about? Are 
we talking about.... I'm not sure, Seth, 
what are we talking about?" 

‘Time. Talking about time. Time that 
doesn't pass. Or was it time passing 
too swiftly? The father leaned closer, 
clbows on the table. The father tried 
not to glance up at the glaring clock face 
where another time the minute hand. 
leaped forward. The father had to fight 
an impulse to lunge at the son, grab 
the son's slumped shoulders and shake, 
shake, shake. Slap the gaunt stubble- 
cheeks. Shout in the son's face instead of 
trying to keep his voice calm, measured, 
fatherly warm, sympathetic and yet not 
outwardly pleading. 

“Seth? Try not to fall asleep, will you? 
If you could just tell me where you think 


"Someone suggested a group hug to celebrate our record profús 
this quarter, and it just went on from there..." 


Kenny might be, or Christa. Is there 
someone she might have gone to, with 
Kenny? If she didn't have a car, where 
could she have gone on foot...2” 

The father had been cautioned: What- 
ever his son told him, if the son told the 
father anything, would very likely be 
confused and incomplete and possibly 
inaccurate, for the addict son might not 
know what had happened or might not 
remember. The child had been missing 
for at least 48 hours but possibly longer. 
The child might have been gone before 
Wednesday. Neighbors on S. 43rd Street 
who'd called police were not certain what 
they'd seen. They thought they'd seen 
Christa leaving the residence at about 
11 r.m., running out into the street into 
a nearby intersection alone. But other 
neighbors had reported a child crying. 
A child half carried and half dragged by 
a young woman. Except it wasn't clear 
when this had been: Wednesday night or 
another night. A day earlier. Two days car- 
lier. Residents of the 1100 block of S. 43rd 
Street gave police conflicting information. 
The father Icarncd that twice in the past 
six weeks Philadelphia police officers had 
responded to "domestic disturbance" 
complaints at 1189 S. 43rd Street. 

Officers had spoken with the adults at 
that address. No arrests had been made. 

"Seth? Tell me about Christa? Were you 
quarreling with her? Is that why Christa 
took Kenny away? And where would...” 

The father hadn't ever felt comfortable 
speaking the name Christa. 

А мау attractive girl, very thin, slouch- 
shouldered like the son, sulky-quiet, at 
least in the father’s presence, something 
smudged and sly about the eyes. She 
wasn't a daughter-in-law and she wasn't 
a girl whom Seth had seemed specially to 
care for, yet somehow it happened that. 
Christa was the mother of Seth's child, 
which made her the (improbable, unde- 
sirable) mother of the grandson, Kenny, 
whose name the father can scarcely utter. 
The father had given the son money from 
time to time. Not for drugs (of course!) 
but on behalf of Kenny (that was the 
hope, the plea), but it hadn't been as 
much топеу as the son had wished and. 
in recent months the money had ceased. 
altogether. The father had met Christa 
only three times. He had no idea who 
her family was, if Christa had a family, 
if there were adults, parents, individuals 
like himself who were providing money, 
however intermittently. The father had 
not exchanged more than a few perfunc- 
tory words with Christa and never, he'd 
later realized, apart from the son's pres- 
ence. In his own household the son had 
exudeda slovenly and unexpected glower 
of sexuality, laying hands on his female 
companion, stroking his female compan- 
ion's straw-blonde hair, kissing the sulky 
mouth with the father looking on. 

The father hadn't known whether 
to believe what the son had told him: 
Hc and Christa had first met in an 


economics class at Penn. That Christa 
had been a scholarship student at Penn. 
"That Christa had remained in school for 
a final semester after Seth had dropped 
out, after they'd begun living together in 
an apartment off campus. 

Тре son had had high SAT scores 
somehow. The father had wanted to 
think, He takes after me. 

*..know her name, Dad? Never 
met her." 

"Never met Christa? Is that what you're 
saying? Seth, of course I've met Christa." 

ог him, you met him?" 
“Kenny? My grandson? Of course Гуе 
met Kenny. You must know that." 
“You know his name? "Кеп-п 
The son's mouth began to quiver. 


minute hand on the wall clock leaped 
forward. The father dared to reach out 
to the son, hesitantly touching the son's 
arm at the elbow. The son was hunched 
over, breathing heavily. "Seth? What are 
you saying? She took him where?" and 
the son shivered and said, "I said to her, 
she's a bad mother. And she's trying to 
get past me and open the door. There's 
this stearn from the tub. The bathroom. 
1 wasn't high, I hadn't been high all day; 
my mind was clear like glass. The thing 
15, the kid isn't in the bathroom. He's shit 
himself, puked and shit himself, and she 
never got around to cleaning him. She 
is such a bad mother! Should've called 
the cops myself. What I did was, I hid 
him out in the back, the car. My car, I 


done last night, and she says, “ want to 
see Kenny, let me past, because I wasn't 
letting her past me, had hold of both her 
wrists like these little sparrow bones you 
could break like snapping your fingers. 
I'm like, ‘You can't, he's having his bath," 
and she's excited, saying, ‘If you hurt 
him, ГИ call the cops,’ and I say, ‘Call 
the cops? The cops are going to fuck- 
ing bust you,' and now she really gets 
excited, all this while the steam is com- 
ing out beneath the door. I was sleeping 
in the front room, and it must've been 
the tub got filled and the damn hot water 
keeps pouring out and there's water con- 
densing on the walls even downstairs and 
dripping from the ceiling and hot water 
starting to come down the stairs—it's a 


The eyes were тар- 
idly blinking. A 
look of something 
like hurt, tender- 
ness, regret came 
into the son's face. 
"Sec, Dad, I called 
you. Never called 


back." 

“Called me? 
When?" 

“When? That 
night.” 


“Which night?” 

“That night. That 
it happened.” 

“What hap- 
pened?” 

“You should've 
called, Dad. I told 
you.” 

Maybe this was so. 
The father was hav- 
ing trouble recall- 
ing. The father had 
not always called 
the son back. The 
father had some- 
times seen PENNSYL- 
vanıa on his caller 
ID and not picked 
up the phone. The 
father had more 
than once erased 
the son's rambling 
message midway. 


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wild scene—and 
she's screaming, 
`Get him out of 
there! Open the 
door!” The door 
was locked from the 
outside, this berserk 
woman on the stairs 
clawing at me, and 
the bathroom door 
is hot like fire, the 
doorknob so hot 
you can't touch it, 
all this steam all 
over everything, 
I'm sweating like 
a pig, and some- 
body's screaming, 
you'd think it was 
Kenny screaming, 
"Daddy! Daddy" but 
it can't be Kenny. Г 
know this because 
Kenny is outside 
| hiding in the car, 
and Christa's fight- 
ing me. Christa gets 
the door open, the 
steam is burning 
us, and I'm waiting 
for you, Dad—for 
| you to call. And 
you don't call, and 
you're not her 
and the father said, 


= Boy Bear with "МОМ" tattoo 


In a loud. aggrieved voice Seth was 
saying, "She took him! Fucking junkie, 
know what she did? Wrapped him in this 
stuff like a mummy shroud. Wrapped him 
in tinsel like Christmas. Like, you shake 
this stuff, it shoots sparks. / never wanted 
to. It was her." The son's outburst was so 
sudden, one of the guards approached 
him. Without glancing around, instinc- 
tively Seth hunched his shoulders and 
lowered his head, protecting himself. 
against a blow. He crossed his bandaged 
arms tightly over his chest and clamped 
both hands beneath his armpits rocking 
forward in his chair. The guard told the 
son to keep it down and told the father 
visiting hours were almost over, but the 
guard did not touch the son. The terrible 


had. I hid him in the backseat. I know 
I did. I said, ‘It’s a game we're playing 
with Mommy. You stay here and keep 
your head down, and if she calls, you 
don't look up, okay?' and Kenny says, 
"Yes, Daddy.’ He's a smart kid; he always 
trusted his daddy. Couldn't trust his 
junkie mommy but trusted his daddy. It's 
a responsibility, a kid like that. How the 
world keeps going, the human race, it's 
like cement in your guts you have some- 
how to shit, how the human race keeps 
going is a riddle. So she comes in—this 
woman she's been out and she's high 
and she comes in; I’m waiting for her. 
And rightaway she says, ‘Where is my 
baby?’ and I'm like, "Your baby is in the 
tub having his bath that you should've 


= “Me? Waiting for 
me?" and the son said, "It was a test, Dad. 
To see how long it would take you to get 
here,” and the father said slowly, “I don't 
understand, Seth. You were waiting for 
me here, in Philadelphia?” and the son 
said, “You had your chance, Dad. Hell of 
a lot of times I called you, left a message, 
and now it's too late,” and the father said, 
“But I'm here now. Where is Kenny? If 
he was in the car, where is the car? He 
wasn't in the bathroom but in the car, 
was he? Seth, please tell me," and the son 
said, "Hey, Dad: You tell me. You're the 
one with all the answers, I thought," and 
the father said, trying not to beg, 

didn't hurt him, did you? Did you hurt 
his mother? Where are they? Please tell 


me,” and the son said, “Her, how in hell'd 145 


PLAYROY 


146 


I know where she is! Damn junkie you 
can't trust behind your back. Him, I told 
you: He was in the car. Sleeping in the 
backseat. I was telling her: He isn't in the 
bathroom, he's in the car. She's claving 
at me to get past me. She's got the bath- 
room door open, and there's the cloud 
of pure steam and hot water on our feet, 
our ankles. It's burning us. There's noise 
from the water rushing from the faucet, 
now the water's coming out like a flood. 
What 1 do is grab a chair to stand on, 
would've been scalded if I hadn't. And 
Christa is on the stairs, and she slips and 
falls, and she's screaming, the water is so 
hot. And there's so much steam you can 
hardly see. And there's the kid, there's 
Kenny in the water! There's Kenny in the 
bathroom, on the floor. Kind of wedged 
under the sink. These pipes under the 
sink, he's kind of wedged there. It's hard 
to see in all the steam, I'm thinking it 
isn't him; I'd been sleeping downstairs 
and wakened by her coming home and 
making so much noise, it's like a dream, 
I'm thinking it's some other thing under 
the sink that crawled in there, a squir- 
rel, like, or a dog the size of a Pekingese, 
the fur is scalded off this poor thing, it's 
got to be dead, boiled dead, the skin is 
all red and blistered and coming off in 
my hands and the eyes are popping. Im 
thinking somehow the kid got past me 
and hid up in the bathroom. Why'd he 
do that and lock the door behind him! 
Не was naked, like somebody was giv- 
ing him a bath but went away, and the 
water got too hot. So I'm thinking maybe 
Christa did it, somehow. When I was 
asleep. [know this: Пей Kenny in the car. 
It had to be her; it wasn't me. Think I'm 


going to call 911, try to explain to the 
cops or anybody, like hell they'd believe 
me. They would not believe me. The hot 
water ran out finally. Now it's cold water 
so the steam wasn't so bad. So I got the 
faucet off. So I tried to help Kenny, but 
it's too late. Splashed cold water on him 
but anybody can see it's too late. 1 picked 
him up, he was so hot! His little body, the 
skin was all red and peeling off on ту 
fingers, and his face red and wizened like 
a little old man, it was a terrible thing. 
Must've been calling me— Daddy! Dad- 
dy"—but there was so much noise from 
the water, I couldn't hear him. Christ, 
I'm feeling so bad about this, what hap- 
pened to Kenny, it's like...like there are 
no words.... Later, we're downstairs, and 
there's water here, too. We've got Kenny 
on the kitchen table, and Christa is crying 
over him, wrapping him in cold soaked 
towels, ice cubes from the freezer, thinks 
he's breathing but he is not breathing, 
then she wraps him in some stuff like 
gauze and tinsel paper that's sparkly and 
she said would "preserve" him from decay 
for a while at least. And it's my idea to 
send him to you.” 

During this torrent of words, the 
father was staring at the son. Pulses beat- 
ing in his ears, barely could he hear the 
son's terrible words. It seemed crucial to 
watch the son: the mouth. The smirk- 
smile, the sore on the upper lip. The 
father laughed suddenly, a sound like 
fabric being torn. 

"None of this is true, is it? Seth? You're 
making this up, are you? My God." 

“Fuck I'd be jiving about my own son! 
Not like you, Dad, that doesn't give a shit 
about your son." Seth spoke shrilly, like 


"This, of course, is the kitchen. The Дн tenants had some of 
ai 


their best sex right on t| 


# countertop.” 


a hurt child. He continued to rock in the 
vinyl свай; hands clamped in his armpits. 
"So—we got high, we were so stressed. And 
Christa says, "We will bury our son our- 
selves. A decent burial.’ For Christa saw the 
folly of summoning help, any kind of help, 
as I did and always have. And I'm like, Ме 
can send him to my father. He can bury 
him.’ So we got some garbage bags from 
out in the alley that our neighbors had put 
trash in, and we dumped out the trash and 
put this little tinsel mummy that hardly 
weighed more than a cat would weigh in 
the bags, more than one bag for safekeep- 
ing. Then we wrapped itall tight with wire. 
“Then there's cardboard cartons in the 
cellar, we bring one of them up and put 
Kenny inside, it’s a tight fit. And we wrap 
this all up tight and secure, and what I can 
remember of the address in Boca Raton is 
just Prudhomme Circle. So I make out the 
address label to `L. Могае, Prudhomme 
Circle, Boca Raton, FL and lock the box 
in the car trunk and next morning I take 
it to the post office and mail it, parcel post. 
And the guy behind the counter says, ‘Are 
the contents breakable?’ and I say, "Yes. 
The contents are breakable.’ So he stamps 
it ‘fragile’ like they pay any fucking atten- 
tion to ‘fragile’ at the fucking PO.—don't 
bullshit me. However long it takes for the 
package to get to Boca Raton, I don't 
know. Might be a week. I figure it's time 
that's stopped. For me in here, like for 
Kenny where he is. Because nobody knows 
where my son is. Because the damn pack- 
age might get lost. And nobody's staying at. 
the Florida place now, right? Not you and 
not Mom. So Kenny is like ‘nowhere'—no 
time." The son smiled а slow sly stained- 
tooth smile. "See, Dad. It's a test.” 

ҒАН | 

"You've been believing this! That's 
the test." 

The father heard himself say, “1...1 
didn't believe you. As if I would believe 
sucha— 

"Don't bullshit me, Dad. You bclicvc 
it! You still do, I can see it in your eyes. 
"That's the test, Dad." 

*...a terrible story, from my own..." 

The father's feet were tangled in some- 
thing. His suit coat had fallen to the floor 
from the back of the vinyl chair. Stooping 
to pick it up he felt his face pound with 
blood. His heart pounded strangely. Тһе 
son was jeering at him; the son was on 
his feet preparing to leave the visitors’ 
lounge. The father was pleading, “It isn't 
true, then? Kenny ізгі...” It must have 
been nine р.м.; visitors were being asked 
to leave. There was a scraping of chairs, 
commotion. Loud voices, emotional fare- 
wells. The son was being led away by a 
guard, and the father tried to follow after 
him but was restrained. At the doorway 
the son took pity on the father, called 
back over his shoulder, "Hey, Dad: If the 
carton shows up where I mailed it, then 
you'll know. If not, you'll know too." 


PILAY M 


TE ¿NEWS 


From Ploymotes to business 
partners: Jennifer and Nicole 
make а glomorous pair. 


BOUTIQUE BUNNIES 


Our resident makeup expert, Miss April 


1993 Nicole Wood, ts teaming with her 


also carries a unique selection of gifts, 


perfumes, accessori 


Playmate buddy Miss August 2001 Jennifer + 


Walcott to launch a West Coast 
branch of Nicole's spa and bou- 
tique, the Beauty Lounge. Nicole 
began her career as a makeup artist 
back in the early 1990s, honing 
her craf at the Joe Blasco Makeup 
School in Orlando before becoming 
а Playmate. While working with 
PLAYBOY she developed a business 
plan to open her own shop, and in 
2002 she finally realized her dream 
by establishing the Beauty Lounge 
in Westmont, New Jersey and turn- 


ing it into a huge success. Offering a full 


range of spa treatments, including facials, 


waxing and massage, the Beauty Lounge : 


, beauty products and 


cosmetics, including Nicole's own line. 


Nicole had initially considered 
franchising her company, but 
several business advisors recom- 
mended against и. When shebegan 
research into opening a West Coast 
branch on her own, she turned to 
Jennifer, who's based in Arizona, 
to give her a hand. "Jennifer is 
one of my closest friends, and 

we'd talked about opening a new 
place together for a long time, 

says Nicole. This location will be 
similar to her current storefront 


but will have a few variations. “We're think- 
ing about incorporating really hot, sexy 
lingerie," she says. What's to think about? 


PLAYMATES AT GLAMOURCON 


When Shauna Sand posed 
_ for the May 1996 issue, it 
_ was the beginning of a beau- 
tiful relationship; she has 
since become 
a mainstay of 
our Playmate 
Neus page. 


and televi- 
sion credits 
to her пате, ` 
as well as 
appearances 
on Howard 
Sternandthe 
E network. 
Recently 
she starred 
| in videos for Eurythmics | 
| and Weezer, and she's even | 
designing her own shoe line. 
| i 


"It was 25 
degrees and 
all I was wear- 
ing was a 
little yellow 
bikini.” 


7 Jami Fer 


II wı 


-2001 Lindsey Vuolo, M 


Colleen Shannon с 


MY FAVORITE PLAYMATE 
By Vinny Parco 


=> 
of Court TV's Parco Pl. i 


1 have two favorite 
Ploymates: Miss December 
1996 
Victorio 
Silvstedt 
(ей) ond 
Miss October 1994 
Victorio Niko Zdrok. 
They're beyond 
sexy. They're 


PLAYMATE IP 


Heating up the Great White North, 
Canadian Playmates Miss June 2003 
Tailor James and Miss November 
1999 Cara Wakelin (below) 
hosted Playboy Fashion Un- 
leashed at Brant House in 
"Toronto... In other Cana- 
dian Playmate news, Miss 
February 1990 Pamela An- 
derson appears in a video 
sentto managers of Kentucky Fried 
Chicken restaurants throughout 
the U.S. PETA produced the video 
as part ofits Kentucky 
Fried Cruelty cam- 


©: We hear you havea new Pilates DVD. 
How did that come about? 


А: I started doing Pilates just before 


last summer, and 1 felt 
a difference immedi- 
ately. Then I went away 
and wished I had a 
DVD with me. So when 
1 returned from my 
trip, І asked my trainer, 
Janice, if she would be 
interested in produc- 
ing one. “ГИ do it,” she 
said, "but only if you do 
it with me." It's called 
Fit at 40+. 

Q: So does it work? 

A: Absolutely. Janice has 
five children, and she 
still has a great body. 
Some young guys who are tennis pros 


come to the studio, and the workout 
is difficult for them. It works so wel 
It's good for your posture because it 


strengthens your core. 
It keeps those muscles 
strong and limber, and 
the women in our class 
are very ripped. 

Q: So 1 guess you can 
do your workout pretty 
much anywhere now. 

A: I recently vacationed 
on a private train car. It 
was built in 1929, and 
there are only about 250 
left; it basically hooks 
onto the back of a regu- 
lar Amtrak train, and 1 
was able to work out. It 
was such a trip. 


Check out fitat40pluspilates.com. 


Based in the hills aut- 
side Kona, Hawai 
since 1978, Miss April 
1966 Karla Conway, 
also known as the 
artist Sachi, has built 
an archive of about 
700 works. Causteau's 
Lagoon (left) is part of 
Hef's collection. 


d Ею 
stunning, shows she's got э 
ond hei a great ser of ЕЕ 
personoli- lungs in a duet Playboy 
fies shine with Bryan Fashion 
through.” Adams on his Unleashed 
album Anthol- г 
ору. Unfortu- 
nately Pammy's 


pole-dancing 
appearance in 
the Elton John 
concert The Red 
Piano was cut 
from the TV 
broadcast... 
Newfoundlander Miss November 
1981 Shannon Tweed and her boy- 
friend of 22 years, Kiss bassist Gene 
Simmons, star in the new AXE real- 
ity show Family Jewels.... Miss April 
2003 Carmella DeCesare (below) 
gets comfortable in the backseat 
of a 1965 Chrysler New Yorker for 
MPH magazine's “Backseat Betty” 


Pontiac 
Fiero. She also 
modeled in 
PLAYBOY cover girl Brooke Burke's 
swimsuit fashion show at Pure in 
Las Vegas.... Miss January 1988 
Kimberly Conrad Hefner ap- 
peared in photographer Alistair 
Morrison's exhibition Desperate 
Housewives at lona House Gallery 
in Woodstock, Oxfordshire, U.K. 


‘Carmella, our favorite 
bockseat driver. 


MORE PLAYMATES 


See your fovorite Ploymate's 
pictoriol in the Cyber Club ot 


cyber, playboy.com or down- 
load her fo your phone ot 
playboymobile.com. 


May 5-7 
May 12-14 
May 26-29 
Jun 2-3 
Jun 23-25 
Jun 29 

Jul 28-30 
Aug 10-11 
Aug 24-26 


Aug 31-Sep 2 Miller Motorsport Park, Tooele, UT 


Pholograchy by Richard Prnc6, Melinda Stewart and сови Teen Soun- 
102006 Playboy 


Mazda Raceway Laguna Seca, Monterey, CA 
Phoenix Int'l. Raceway, Phoenix, AZ 

Lime Rock Park, Lakeville, CT 

Watkins Glen Int'l., Watkins Glen, NY 
Mid-Ohio Sports Car Course, Lexington, ОН 
Daytona Int'l. Speedway, Daytona Beach, FL 
Barber Motorsports Park, Birmingham, AL 
Watkins Glen Int'l, Watkins Glen, NY 
Infineon Raceway, Sonoma, CA 


won 


PIO y COIN ANA 


ШИ аубоу On The Sce 


WHAT'S HAPPENING, WHERE IT'S 


The Art Game 


The second annual I Am 8-Bit exhibition unites old-school gaming with new-school artists 


Т oday's video games offer amazing visuals and intricate 

Ë plots, but not so long ago all it took to make us happy 

В was a little yellow circle that ate dots or an Italian plumber 
with a five-pixel mustache. That kind of old-school happiness. 
is what the I Am 8-Bit group art show is all about. A loving 
homage to the faces that ate a million quarters, the exhibi- 
tion—which runs from April 18 to May 19 at Gallery Nineteen 
Eighty Eight (gallery1988.com), in Los Angeles—is filled with 
new interpretations of favorites from the eight-bit-gaming 
era ofthe 1980s, such as Greg "Craola" Simkins's Pac-Man in 
Hospice (above). "These characters are like the Michelin Man 


or Mr. Clean. They've registered that deeply in our minds,” says 
Jon Gibson, the video game reviewer turned television writer 
who dreamed up the show, now in its second year. “Му mom 
knows nothing about video games, but she knows Mario.” 
The simplicity of the 1980s graphics is precisely what makes 
retrospective interpretation interesting. “Twenty different art- 
ists drawing Mario is compelling because everyone had a 
unique experience with him,” Gibson says. For art lovers 
who can't justify a cross-country trip, Chronicle has released 
an I Am 8-Bit book ($23) filled with the work displayed at last 
year's show. Get your game on at iam8bit.net. 


Big Chimpin' 


Meet the first superstars of the file-sharing era 


hen a band scores the fastest-selling debut album in 
U.K. chart history, you have to figure they sound like the 
W W Spice Girls or got their start on some manufacturing-the- 
band TV show. Not so. Instead the Arctic Monkeys—four young 
men from Sheffield, northern England's gritty Steel City— 
stumbled onto national and international prominence when fans 
took a homemade EP handed out at concerts and started sharing 
it online. Before ever inking a record deal (Domino eventually 
issued the LP), the combo had a sold-out concert tour and played 
the Reading Festival. But is all this hype deserved? Sheffield's 
unofficial ambassador, Jarvis Cocker of Pulp, says yes: "The only 
reason people have gotten into the music is because they've 
listened to it and they like it, so it's something real. It has hap- 
pened naturally, so there's no way to apply spin doctorism to it.” 151 


rapevine 


Royally Lubed | 
We presume, readers, 
that professional bikini 
stuffer BROOKE BURKE 
needs no introduc- 
tion, Here she is on a. 
secluded beach, being 
pawed by a blue blood 
of dubious pedigree. 
He's probably telling, 
her about the size: 

f his duchy. 


Killa 
Grahams 
Her show 
Emily's Rea- 
sons Why Not 
was canceled, 
but we still 
love HEATHER 
GRAHAM. Here 
are a couple of 
reasons why. 


Mystery Dane 

The story on Danish model ANINE BING is (a) she's the next 
Helena Christensen, (b) her Ellesse billboard scandalized 
Birmingham, U.K, and (c) she's dated soccer stars and/or 
im Carrey. We're guessing (d): She looks great naked. 


Some Body 
to Love 
For Billy Zane, 
40, this is what. 
eternity looks like. 
His fiancée, KELLY 
BROOK, 26, is 
hands down the 
most adored 
woman in Brit- 
ain, and not just. 
by the lads—a 
Weight Watchers 
poll of women 
picked hers as 
the “body of the 
decade.” Well 
played, Zane. 


At 17 she was a 
buxom (underage) 
sex bomb, a tick- 
ing Bardot. Now 
she's playing it 
май. Will the real 


Web Gem 


| Among glamour 
|| sites, Met-Art.com is 
| a veritable Руға 
of Giza, online since 
1999 and hosting 
250,000-plus 
pictures of 1,300 
models. JADE here 
is a fan favorite. 


"Simon Garfinkle? Never “eard of 'im." 
Meet MRS. ROBINSON, a trio set to storm the (U.K.) charts 
with the single “I'm a Little Obsessed." They're named after 
member Tanya Robinson—she's the brunette in the see- 
through top. Here's to boobs, Mrs. Robinson. 


Motpourri 


DOUBLE YOUR PLEASURE 


Two heads are better than one, so why not 
two lenses? Among the features packed into 
Kodak's latest snapper, the five-megapixel 
V570 ($400, kodak.com), are wide-angle and 
zoom lenses. The 22 preset scene modes and 
high-speed processing chip help your pictures 
always look the way you want them to, and the 
camera also docs neat tricks such as stitching 
together huge panorama shots and printing. 
directly to PictBridge photo printers. 


CUTTING TRACKS 


Pity MacGyver. He could make a bomb out of 
toothpaste and an old shoe, but could he listen to 
Led Zeppelin IV on his pocketknife? No. Be pre- 
pared for emergencies both sonically and gadget- 
wise with Victorinox's s.beat knife ($200 to $260, 
swissbit.com), which includes a built-in МРЗ 
player along with the usual blade, scissors and nail 
file. Available in one-, two- and four-gigabyte 
models, it also packs an FM radio, a voice recorder. 
andan integrated USB plug, so you never need 
a cord. Toothpaste and old shoe sold separately. 


FOR KICKS 


Back in the 1980s when 
soccer began to overtake 
Pop Warner football as 
the preferred autumn 
kiddie sport, many Bud- 
drinking, NFL-watching 
dads were terrified that 
their sons would become 
French-fried Euro- 
wussies. This year 
the cream of those 
first youth players 
forms the core 
of an American 
team primed 
for a World 
Cup run. Nike 
supplics the 
official jersey ($70, 
niketown.com) the 
team will don for its 
June 12 opener against 
the Czechs. The 
official tournament 
ball, by Adidas ($130, 
shopadidas.com), 
is the most advanced 
in the game. 


YOUR OWN PERSONAL STASH 


Old graffiti artists never die; they just go legit. The last time 
Brooklyn graff legend Stash tagged an active Metropolitan 
Transit Authority subway car was in 1987, so these days you're 
less likely to see his work on the F train than in a high-end 
gallery. Or in your living room. The Wildstyle rugs ($1,450 
to $2,350, toyculture.com), created from a Stash design, are 
part of a series of homages to yesterday's spray-can masters 
of underground transit art, and they reference the bold, 
superdeformed "wildstyle" lettering Stash helped pioneer 
back in the day. For optimal realism, view after the cops have 
chased you through a Bronx subway yard at two A.M 


SEEING THE STONES 


Any watch can tell the time, but how many 
can tell you exactly when to sacrifice your 
goat to ensure the fertility of your crops? 
Open the Stonehenge pocket watch 
($43, stonehengewatch.com) and you'll 
find a scale replica of the world's least 
portable calendar, along with a compass for 
aligning it correctly. If you don't have 

a goat for thc sacrifice, you can substitute 
a three-day orgy. Usually works for us. 


HERE'S LOOKING AT YOU 
Kentucky Derby Day mint juleps are 
great but a lot of work. Here'sa slimmed- 
down recipe for a racetrack drink that 
never fails: Pour Maker's Mark into a finely 
crafted flask and enjoy. Colibri's stainless 
steel and leatherette Door flask (left, $30, 
colibrishop.com) holds six ounces and six 
cigarettes. Its Cosmopolitan flask (right, 
$28) features a porthole so you can see 
how many victory toasts you have left. 


WELL-DONE 


The quest for the perfect grilling 
tool began when Cro-Magnon 
man was perplexed by a problem: | 
How do 1 eat this gorgeously 
well-marbled but frozen mast- 
odon steak without breaking my 
teeth? The answer: Jam it on a 
stick and hold it over that fire 
stuff everyone keeps talking about 
Forty thousand years later, 
All-Clad, the brand for serious 
cookware, issues the ultimate set 
of sticks ($190, cooking.com), 
including a fork, a marinade 
brush, locking tongs and a turner 
in 18/10 stainless steel with a 
brushed-metal carrying case. 


SATELLITE OF LOVE 


Watch your back, Howard. Playboy Radio is the latest addition to 
Sirius Satellite Radio's fab content lineup. It’s a 24-hour channel 
devoted to all things near and dear to the Playboy man’s heart— 
that is, Playmates, gadgets, advice, Playmates and humor. And 
Playmates. For details on signing up, go to playboyradio.com. 


READ ALL ABOUT IT 


The word revolutionary is used a 
lot in the technology world, but 
it usually translates to “slight 
improvement.” This time the R 
word is justified. The Sony 
Reader ($300 to $400, sony.com) 
uses a—yes, we'll say it—revolu- 
tionary new technology the 
company calls e-ink. It allows 
the Reader to blacken individual 
pixels on its white screen, which 
then stay blackened when the 
power is off. So, unlike conven- 
tional displays, the screen doesn't 
constantly refresh itself, mean- 
ing the images are as clear and 
flicker-free as the printed page. 
Buy it, then head to gutenberg 
org for more than 17,000 classic 
books, all free of charge. 


WHERE AND HDW TO BUY ON PAGE 135. 


Вехі Month 


і 


e 24 
KELLER, THE HIT MAN WHO THOUGHT TOO MUCH 


THE PLAYMATE OF THE YEAR, UNVEILED. NATURAL BEAUTY® 


2006 PLAYMATE OF THE YEAR—AFTER SEARCHING EVERY 
NEIGHBORHOOD IN AMERICA FOR GIRLS NEXT DOOR AND 
SELECTING THE 12 LOVELIEST AS OUR 2005 CENTERFOLDS, 
WE REVEAL THE WOMAN WHO IS TRULY ONE IN A MILLION. 
TWO HINTS: SHE'S PICTURED ABOVE, AND NO ONE WITH HER. 
CURRENT TITLE HAS ATTAINED THIS HONOR BEFORE. 


ROSEBUD MODERN MEDICINE NOW ENABLES WOMEN ТО 
COSMETICALLY ENHANCE THEIR BREASTS, BUTTS АМО— 
PERHAPS THE FINAL FRONTIER—SEXUAL ORGANS. HEATHER 
CALDWELL TURNS PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR TO EXAMINE THE 
DOCTORS AND PATIENTS WHO QUEST FOR THE PRETTIEST PINK. 


THE WIT AND WISDOM OF JOHN KRUK--ONCE A FLESHY 
PHILLIES FIRST BASEMAN AND NOW AN EVEN MORE ENDO- 
MORPHIC ESPN ANALYST, KRUK IS ONE OF THE MORE AP- 
PEALING THINGS ABOUT BASEBALL. IN AN ERA WHEN MOST 
ATHLETES LOOK SUPERHUMAN AND HAVE INTERCHANGE- 
ABLE EMPTY PERSONALITIES, PAT JORDAN PROFILES A 
BASEBALL BRAIN WITH WHOM EVERYONE CAN IDENTIFY. 


MYSPACE OR YOURS?— DAVE ITZKOFF SPENDS TIME IN THE 
INTERNET SINGLES BAR, CONTEMPLATING THE MEANINGS 
OF COMMUNITY, ANONYMITY AND IDENTITY, AND LEARNING 
WHAT IT TAKES TO WOO WOMEN ON THE WEB. ALSO, GIVEN 


MY NAME IS JASON LEE. 


THE NUMBER OF HOT CHICKS WHO POST SEXY PICTURES OF 
THEMSELVES ON THE SITE, WE CLICKED THROUGH ENDLESS 
FAGES, ADDED THE MOST BEWITCHING WOMEN AS FRIENDS 
AND SHOT A GIRLS OF MYSPACE PICTORIAL. 


PROACTIVE KELLER LAWRENCE BLOCK AND HIS FAMOUSLY 
FLAWED HIT MAN, KELLER, RETURN TO OUR FICTION PAGES, 
WHERE THE INTROSPECTIVE ASSASSIN FINDS THAT WHILE HIS 
HEART IS HEAVY, HIS WALLET IS LIGHT. 


JASON LEE—THE STAR OF MY NAME IS EARL CLAIMS HIS RIGHT 
TO JOIN TOM SELLECK AND BURT REYNOLDS IN THE PANTHEON 
OF GREAT MUSTACHE FLAUNTERS AND DISCUSSES WHAT 
HAPPENS WHEN THE FEAR OF BECOMING FAMOUS MEETS THE 
REALITY OF CELEBRITY. 20Q BY ERIC SPITZNAGEL 


BEST GOLF COURSES IN THE WORLD—CBS ANNOUNCER 
GARY MCCORD, THE FUNNIEST MAN IN GOLF, HAS SPENT 
A LIFETIME TRAVELING FROM CLUB TO CLUB. HE GIVES A 
SMART GUY'S GUIDE TO GOLF'S GREATEST DESTINATIONS. 


PLUS: SHEPARD SMITH OF FOX NEWS IN A FAIR AND BAL- 
ANCED PLAYBOY INTERVIEW, BRIONI'S POLO MATCH IN CRO- 
ATIA, AND WITH THE WEATHER WARMING UP. MISS JUNE 
STEPHANIE LARIMORE 15 WEARING LESS. 


Playboy (ISSN 0032-1478), May 2006, volume 53, number 5. Published monthly by Playboy in national and regional editions, Playboy, 680 North 

Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611. Periodicals postage paid at Chicago, Illinois and at additional mailing offices. Canada Post Canadian 

Publications Mail Sales Product Agreement No. 40035534. Subscriptions: in the U.S., $29.97 for 12 issues. Postmaster: Send address change to 
156 Playboy, PO. Box 2007, Harlan, Iowa 51537-4007. For subscription-related questions, call 800-999-4438, or e-mail circ@ny.playboy.com 


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