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of the Year, ald 19. With his sleek and vibrant 

the British creator of Bespoke Couture has already cap 

the adoration of the European fashion world, as well, 
patronage of suave celebrities such as Jude Law and 

Foxx. This year he brings his smart designs an 

swagger to America. The bold trailblazer broke ound 
stylistically, by uniting vivid modern fabrics anı sic Brit- 
ish tailoring, and socially, by being the first black designer to 
set up shop on Savile Row. Now the bras! 

it clear he has set his sights on conq 

States. “I wasn't formally trained, so I} 

mality," he says. "I brought a very $ 

to the Row. Now 1 am all about the А 


Nothing h ater impact on your romantic history than 
your first Ы It is like the loss of innocence—it is the loss 
of innoggnce,” says S N who joins a quartet of other 

onsider romantic terminations in Heartbreak. For 


е О. Henry Award winner examines the use of clichés 


ing ways ("It's not you, it’s me”). “It is easy to use 

és, though as one gets more intimate, one looks for the 

i " she says. “Every love is different, 

and every love is a cliché, which is probably a cliché in itself.” 


In October the wor isual 
humor lost a leg figure, 
and we at Playb a mem- 
en cancer 

y. our long- 

"Wr. "She brought 

of humor and an 

9 to nurture eccen- 


Wrote in The New York 
е had a spot-on sense 
@nporary comedy, 
istrator Harry Bliss, 
as always successful in 
bringing the best out of the car- 
‘oonist.” Her indispensable attri- 
bute, Urry once told The National 
Observer, was that she "brought 
an inordinately dirty mind" to 
her job. We will continue to pub- 
lish the finest cartoons, but we 
will miss her always. 


“Sex is a great science teacher 
because it covers so many 
areas, including biology, genet- 
ics and neurology,” says the 
Playboy Advisor, Senior Editor 
Chip Rowe. His series on male 
sexual development begins this 
month with The Flight of the 
Spermatozoon. “I'm always dig- 
ging up scientific research to 
answer letters to the Advisor and 
thought it would be interesting to 
bring it all together. You wouldn't 
believe how specialized knowl- 
edge can be. For instance, since 
1988 three international confer- 
ences and tens of thousands of 
studies have been devoted just 
to the epididymis, the 20-foot- 
long tube near each testicle 
where sperm learn to swim.” 


In The Starlight on Idaho, Denis Joh 1 uses a series of letters 
to family, friends and foes to take us deep into the head of Mark 
Cassandra, who is grappling with substance abuse in a rehab 
center. “The Cassandras have been in three of my plays,” John- 
son says. “In one production some years ago, a character read 
one of Mark's letters. | retumed to the theater for another of the 
plays a year later. As they were striking the set, they found the 
letter jammed into one of the boards. After rereading it, | wanted 
to hear more letters from this character and wrote this piece.” 


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vol. 54, по. 2—february 2007 


= ms 


features 


50 


66 


92 


102 


THE SEXUAL MALE, PART ONE: THE FLIGHT OF THE SPERMATOZOON 
After we track a sperm cell on its fantastic voyage to make a man, you may never 
look at your bits and pieces the same way again. Study up: This is the first chap- 
ter in a series of in-depth reports on the science of male sexuality. BY CHIP RC 


ELEMENTS OF SEDUCTION 

Frigid, frightful February can become the hottest month on the calendar. Learn 
about intoxicating love potions, the 10 sexiest places in North America and 
sensual lingerie you'll want to buy now and peel off her later. 


HEARTBREAK 
Five literary luminaries consider love's sour side by sharing their personal and 
sometimes painful relationship-ending experiences. BY KEVIN CANTY, ALEKS 
HEMON, SUSAN MINOT, б, SHTEYNGART and JEANETTE WINTE! 


THE GUY BEHIND FAMILY GUY 
Discover who puts the fun in Family Guy's dysfunctional Griffin Rog 
UC- 


ON 


behind the scenes with subversive Seth MacFarlane, creator of the 
cessful animated TV series since The Simpsons. BY DAVE 


ROMANCE 2007: THE TRUTH ABOUT LOVE, SEX Кез 
OF ATTRACTION 
As Valentine’s Day approaches, now is the perfect time to by 
makes the world go round. Hear advice from scientists, f troubadours and, 
perhaps most valuably, beautiful women who are learne ways of love. 


fiction ҳу 


THE STARLIGHT ON IDAHO © 

In this dark and troubling tale from an Amerj ster, a man in rehab uses а 
series of letters written to friends and famil bers to reconstruct the chain 
of events that has brought him to rock bottol JOHNSON 


the playboy forum O) 


41 


SERVING THE PUBLIC y, 
The titans atop the world's y ia companies seem willing to spend 
n 


millions to lobby for greater idation. Why do such huge amounts of 


money seem inversely pro] al to the quality of the radio, television and COVER STORY 

newspapers being acq Y ERIC KLINENBERG As Cylon Number Six on Battlestar Galactica, 
Tricia Helfer is easily the sexiest robot in history. 

СА "She glides; she's a seductress,” says Tricia of 


72 


20Q Number Six. But the talented model turned 
actress is more than a sexbot—she goes deep 
into the many variations of her conflicted charac- 

beguiling smile and killer curves, she is one of the most ter. This cover image by photographer Antoine 

lar sex symbols of the past 50 years. In a rare interview, Verglas reveals the sensual woman behind the 

d Playmate sets the record straight about a lifetime of machine. Our Rabbit is left tied in knots. 

st regret and which of her former associates she would most 

fon the head. BY STEPHEN REBELLO 


i O. 


N COWELL 
ght between a rock (Randy Jackson) and a soft-hearted place (Paula 
dul), the cantankerous American Idol judge (and co-creator) believes that 
when it comes to helping contestants face the music about their lack of talent, 
a spoonful of venom helps the medicine go down. Prime time's favorite critic 
sounds off about tone-deaf singers, cultural snobs and why he prefers Kelly 
Clarkson's music to Bob Dylan’s. BY ROB TANNENBAUM 


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vol. 54, no. 2—february 2007 


N 
por ADVISOR 


Helfer alights from the hea 
for an exotic shoot. 


notes and n 


THE WORLD О! AY BOY 
Las Vegas's oy Club opens 
with a real ash; celebri- 
ties help rail ney for an ani- 


With the Mansion's 


pictorials THE P 

TOUGH LOVE PA! KES 

Work up a sweat with Air Force = 

drill sergeant Michelle Manhart Е AND HOW TO BUY 
in this steamy layout. 5 E SCENE 
PLAYMATE: HEATHER APEVINE 

RENE SMITH 

Though no longer a gymnast, the POTPOURRI 

lissome Miss February still has 

all the right moves. n 

OUT OF THIS WORLD fashion 

Looking anything but robotic, PLAYBOY’S DESIGNER 
Battlestar Galactica’s Tricia OF THE YEAR 


Ozwald Boateng won acclaim in 
the U.K. when he opened his flag- 
ship store on Savile Row. Now the 
innovative designer brings his flair 
for streamlined silhouettes and 
daring use of color to America. 


this month on playboy.com 


ation brunch [ 


AT THE PALMS 
Топ, Taye Diggs, Jamie 
d Tony Curtis were among 
ill house of celebrities Hef 
comed to opening night at the 
layboy Club and casino. 


PLAYMATE NEWS 

Miss July 1997 Daphnee Duplaix 
Samuel talks about her conniving 
alter ego on the soap Passions; 
50th Anniversary Playmate 
Colleen Shannon broke hearts 
on British TV's Love Island. 


departments 
PLAYBILL 

DEAR PLAYBOY 
AFTER HOURS 
REVIEWS | 
MANTRACK | 


THE PLAYBOY.COM A 
Discover the true mixology masters as 
we name America's top 10 bartenders. 


Go behind the scenes with pLaraov’s 
editors, post your two cents and read 
more of our interview with Tricia Helfer. 


ST пом 
Get the final word from pinup legend 
Bettie Page. 


Stay abreast of the most intimate head- 
lines in our new daily sex-news feature. 


2 ION 
RISTOCR 
See video from 
our feature with 
PLAYBOY's Designer 
of the Year, 
Ozwald Boater 


PRINTED IN U.S.A 


MOTORDA fe Sew M Logo are gera In fhe US Patent ater Oiee © Urea Ine 206 A rights eserves 


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PLAYBOY 


HUGH M. HEFNER 
editor-in-chief 


CHRISTOPHER NAPOLITANO 
editorial director 
STEPHEN RANDALL deputy editor 
TOM STAEBLER art director 
GARY COLE photography director 
LEOPOLD FROEHLICH executive editor 
ROBERT LOVE editor at large 


JAMIE MALANOWSKI managing edito; n" 


EDITORIAL 
FEATURES: AJ. BAIME articles editor; AMY GRACE LOYD literary es 
director; JENNIFER RYAN JONES editor FORUM: CHIP ROWE s 
SCOTT ALEXANDER senior editor STAFF: ROBERT B. DE S$: 
associate editors; DAVID PFISTER assistant editor; HE: 
VIVIAN COLON, GILBERT MACIAS editorial assistants; 
MICHELLE URRY editor; JENNIFER THIELE editorial cog 
CAMILLE CAUTI associate сору chief: ROBERT 
RESEARCH: DAVID COHEN research director; BRY? 
MATASSA, RON MOTTA researchers; MARK DURAN 1 
DE MAZZA assistant managing editor; VALERIE 
READER SERVICE: MIKE OSTROWSKI corres 
large), KEVIN BUCKLEY, SIMON COOPER, GRETG 
ARTHUR KRETCHMER (AUTOMOTIVE), JC 
REBELLO, DAVID RENSIN, DAVID SHEFF, D 


o 


SHION: JOSEPH DE ACETIS 
or MODERN LIVING: 

Ү MOHR, JOSH ROBERTSON 
ВЕ senior editorial assistant; 
fovic junior editor CARTOONS 
hr COPY: WINIFRED ORMOND copy ch 
ING, JAMIE REYNOLDS copy editors 

S. AP BRADBURY, BRENDAN CUMMINGS, MICHAEL 
librarian EDITORIAL PRODUCTION: MATT 
manager; SIOBHAN TREANOR production associate. 
CONTRIBUTING EDITORS: MARK BOAL (writer at 
“REN, LAWRENCE GROBEL, KEN GROSS, WARREN KALBACKER, 
PITMAN, JOE MORGENSTERN, JAMES R. PETERSEN, STEPHEN 
VENS, ROB TANNENBAUM, JOHN D. THOMAS, ALICE К. TURNER 


ART 


ROB WILSON ери) tor; SCOTT ANDERSON, BRUCE HANSEN, CHET SUSKI, 
LEN WILLIS senior art direcloTWAUL CHAN senior art assistant; JOANNA METZGER art assistant; 


CORTEZ МЕ Kg vices coordinator; MALINA LEE senior art administrator 


PHOTOGRAPHY 
p coast editor; JIM LARSON managing editor; PATTY BEAUDET-FRANCES, 

E MORRIS senior editors; MATT STEIGBIGEL associate editor; RENAY LARSON 
EYTAG, STEPHEN WAYDA senior contributing photographers; GEORGE GEORGIOU 
staff photog RICHARD 1201, MIZUNO, BYRON NEWMAN, GEN NISHINO, DAVID RAMS contributing 
photographe L WHITE studio manager—los angeles; BONNIE JEAN KENNY manager, photo library; 
KEVI manager, photo lab; PENNY EKKERT, KRYSTLE JOHNSON production coordinators 


KEVIN KUSTER, 
assistant editor; 


LOUIS R. MOHN publisher 


ADVERTISING 

ISENHARDT, JONATHAN SCHWARTZ associate publishers; RON STERN new york manager; 
BIANCULLI direct response advertising director; MARIE FIRNENO advertising operations 
director NEW YORK: SHERI WARNKE southeast manager; TONY SARDINAS fashion/grooming 
manager; SARAH BLOOMENTHAL account manager CHICAGO: WADE BAXTER midwest sales manager 
LOS ANGELES: PETE AUERBACH, COREY SPIEGEL west coast managers DETROIT: STEVE ROUSSEAU 
detroit manager SAN FRANCISCO: ED MEAGHER northwest manager 


MARKETING 
LISA NATALE associate publisher/marketing; STEPHEN MURRAY marketing services director; 
DANA ROSENTHAL events marketing director; CHRISTOPHER SHOOLIS research director; 
DONNA TAVOSO creative services director 


PRODUCTION 
MARIA MANDIS director; JODY JURGETO production manager; CINDY PONTARELLI, DEBBIE TILLOU associate 
managers; CHAR KROWCZYK, BARB TEKIELA assistant managers; BILL BENWAY, SIMMIE WILLIAMS prepress 


CIRCULATION 
LARRY А. DJERF newsstand sales director; PHYLLIS ROTUNNO subscription circulation director 


ADMINISTRATIVE 
MARCIA TERRONES rights & permissions director 


INTERNATIONAL PUBLISHING 
BOB ODONNELL managing director; DAVID WALKER editorial director 


PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES INTERNATIONAL. I 
CHRISTIE HEFNER chairman, chief executive officer 
BOB MEYERS president, media group 
JAMES P RADTKE senior vice president and general manager 


PLAYBOY 


HEF SIGHTINGS, MANSION FROLICS AND NIGHTLIFE NOTES 


THE BUNNY IS BACK! 


When Hef and the Palms’ coor Qe 
iconic Playboy Rabbit Head on of 


Fantasy Tower, they топо ып of the Playboy | 
Club and with it a new ор fo! 


Sin City. Inside, Bunnies 62 
cocktails and dealers daft 
ning hands 52 floors 

desert, surroun: 

by a heady mi 

modern luxury gma 

Playboy те! 
bilia that 
every thi n historic 
Playboy@Afigr Dark videos 
to CenteMeld chips. 


Ne 


Wded 


BORN TO BE WILD 

Every year, the Wildlife WaySta- 
tion animal sanctuary holds a 
Safari Brunch Benefit and auc- 
tion at the Mansion. Such stars 
as Grant Reynolds and Jillian 
Barberie (above), Quincy Jones 
(right) and Nicollette Sheridan 
(left, with founder Martine 
Colette) turn out to raise money 
for the foundation, which has 
been operating in southern 
California for 30 years. 


of set alight the 
f the new Palms 


BE 


1 


[UY 
o 
1 


PLAYBOY 


ы 


Care for a drink? A dance? E. ~ about a 
game of roulette or blackjack? ... ked wall to 
wall with Hollywood A-lister ıe Playboy 
Club on opening night will: u, 'y hold a spe- 
cial place in the archives. (1, “lolly Madison, 
Bridget Marquardt a Kendra Wilkinson 
with Hef at the new La, Vegas hot spot's 
opening. (2) Palms ‹ ~ ег George Maloof 
with two of his Bur e, ~taffers. (3) Rising star 
James Franco f: ım ле Spider-Man movies 
(4) Red-hot Shban.. a Elizabeth. (5) Hef and 
Playboy СЕС u .ristie Hefner place the 
club's first "t> (6) Illusionist Criss Angel 
of Mindfrec * a ıd actor Taye Diggs from Day 
Break. (7, A ounny-eared Paris Hilton with 
a winnin, and. (8) Eric Balfour from 24. 
(9) Bunny love! (10) Sportscaster and PLAYBOY 
cov 1.‘ Lisa Guerrero. (11) Actor Stephen 
Do * a th the death-defying David Blaine 
(4. Tony Curtis, the legend. (13) Glutton for 
punishment Bam Margera with his lady, 
Missy Rothstein. (14) Oscar winner 
Jamie Foxx takes center stage 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com for any further request. 


Mec o r 


MODERATE ISLAM 

Though I appreciate Joseph Braude's 
analysis of the tensions between vari- 
ous Islamist trends and the Hashemite 
regime in Jordan (Islam in the Cru- 
cible, November), he overlooks a few 
critical factors. While the branches of 
the Muslim Brotherhood take their 
inspiration and name from the Egyp- 
tian group founded in 1928, they are 


more of a loose network than a unified 
movement. Braude also seems cautious 
about characterizing the Brotherhood 
as moderate, but it has long been more 
pragmatic than ideological: It backed 
the Jordanian monarchy against Р; 
tinian militants in 1970 despite the fa 
that the Brotherhood's chief objec 
after the implementation of Islamic law 
is the liberation of Palestine. Brother- 
hood leaders told me in 2003 that they 
had been alarmed by the sudden popu- 
larity of figures such as Abu Musab 
al-Zarqawi and Osama bin Lade 

Finally, Braude may fairly question 44H 
deep Sheikh Ahmad Nofal's mo 
commitments run, but the by 
challenge facing the monarch 


to keep those like Nofal ray, 
where they can be constrai the 
state’s control over the a ments 
of imams. Alienating N Ind those 
far more radical than he, СӨ expand 


opposition not on! 
policies but to its e, 


monarchy's 


hwedler 
Park, Maryland 
Schwedler lor of government and 

versity of Maryland, is 


politics at th 
the author ¢ 
Parties па [от п and Yemen. 


h in Moderation: Islamist 


М, t give up on the idea that 

s been hijacked by radicals. 
underlying philosophy of Islam is 
thelfuslim belief in the faith's superi- 
ority. That's why we see large and often 


Will radicals hijack Islam? Or have they already? 


P | a 


violent protests against cartoons, com- 
ments by the pope and evil America 
The silent majority among the world’s 
1.3 billion Muslims fall into three 
camps: those who secretly agree with 
the jihadists, those who disagree and 
those who haven't made up their mind. 
Braude's report shows how rare the 
call for peace is, even from Muslims 
under the guidance of a moderate 
king, leading me to believe the 
last group is the largest and may 
yet decide that jihad is the best 
strategy. That's scary 

Andy Jordan 

Commerce С 


Colorado 


Islam in the Crucible is encou 
aging in its details of how the 
Jordanian government is tryi 


Braude r 
the cou 
at least 


Vif the s 
ys don't cur 
Muslim t 
le of Islamic 
Pes the oppression of 
women а igious minorities and 
denie: m of conscience, one 
wond useful the rulings are. 
The Q insurmountable problem 
all r efforts face, no matter how 
ruthless the muscle behind them, is 
rd-liners like Nofal present their 
of Islam as pure, unadulterated 
mpromise and Western influence. 
‚hey point to numerous verses of the 
Koran (notably 9:5 and 9:29, which 
mainstream commentators believe abro- 
gate more tolerant verses revealed later 
in Muhammad's career), the hadith and 
rulings of Islamic law to justify this per- 
spective. Moderate Muslims who speak 
out risk being condemned as heretics. If 
moderates cannot formulate a convinc- 
ing theological response to jihadism, 

they will continue to be marginalized. 

Robert Spencer 
Washington, D.C. 
Spencer is the director of Jihad Watch and 

author of The Truth About Muhammad. 


detailed 
the oper 
who advoc 


It is jarring to read a PLAYBOY article 
that seems to support government con- 
trol of religion, regardless of where it 
may occur. Braude writes of required 
worshipper ID cards in Tunisia that 
record in a government database each 
visit to a mosque, as well as of gov- 


y b o 


ernment control of sermo; 
Jordan. Most Americans 
if asked to register befc 
church. It is hard to ima| 


ple in the Middle PU practice 
any more favorabl@ 


the Koran Muham- 
mplains about Arab 
eclare their allegiance 
fe only for themselves. 
‚ justice, mercy and honor- 


in people of the book" (Jews 
ауга) are what Muhammad 
the Koran teach. Extremism comes 


hatred, irrational religiosity and 
balism, not Islam 


In the pag 
mad bitte 
tribesmer 
to Al 


an Dale Santos 
Adelanto, California 


QUEEN OF BLOGGERS 

Arianna Huffington is the most 
politically savvy and articulate Demo- 
crat in years (Playboy Interview, Novem- 


Huffington steps away from the keyboard. 


ber). She's right when she says Hillary 
Clinton had her chance to show lead- 
ership and prove she could be a good 
president but wasted it. I also agree 
we are unlikely ever to see an atheist 
president. Spirituality is what makes 
us human, although too many people 
who accept Christ step into darkness 
instead of light, leaving behind their 
powers of reason. 

Patrick Prescott 

Albuquerque, New Mexico 


A good walk spoiled. Huffington 
calls for George W. Bush's impeach- 
ment, then her interview is followed 


11 


PLAYBOY 


12 


to get 


PLAYBOY 
Magazine! 


PLAYBOY 


INSTANT ACCESS 


Just go to 
www.playboydigital.com 


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in December by one with the Dixie 
Chicks. What's next, another inter- 
view with Jimmy Carter? 
David Kerwin 
Chicago, Illinois 


Huffington makes her living bashing 
the political system, but it can't be as 
bad as she claims. And her solution is 
to endorse a leftover like Al Gore. 

Gil Brill 


Las Vegas, Nevada 


Huffington must be the most con- 
servative Democrat alive. She's even 
worse than Hillary Clinton, yet I agree 
with much of what she says, especially 
the idea that the media has attention- 
deficit disorder. The root of that prob- 
lem is that most people—especially 
young people—just don't give a shit 
what the government does. 

teve Nash 
Anaheim, Californ| 


Y 


h 
gton 


You missed a golden opport 

How about a picto Smart 
Michael Th: 
Langley, W 


THE FUTURE OF GAMIN 

You can have you: 
sensor controllers a 
(Welcome to the Next 
what will det 


motion- 
SOp screens 
November); 
winner in the 


f is with Sony. 
Daniel Thielemier 
Pueblo, Colorado 


price. My 


„Ф 


report in November's Raw Data 
number helmeted biker 
in Florida has jumped from 22 
0 a year since the state repealed 
s helmet law. What you don't say is 
whether more Floridians are riding 
motorcycles. You should do a little 
research before publishing misleading 
stats like that. Aren't we regulated 
enough? Besides, the real danger is 
yuppies who buy powerful bikes but 
never take a safety course. 
Donald Уу 
Bedford, Texas 
During the same period, motorcycle reg- 
istrations in Florida jumped by 87 percent, 
a significant increase but not enough to 
account for the rise in fatalities. One study 
concluded that the helmet law's repeal led to 
at least a 20 percent increase in biker deaths 
the following year. Researchers have found 
similar trends in other states. 


PLAYBOY RACERS 

In the November After Hours you de- 
scribe the Grand American circuit as a 
younger brother to NASCAR. Many of 


us hold Grand-Am road racing in 
higher regard than NASCAR's nongiock 
stock cars, roundy round and hy 


PENIS BREAK Q 
Тат sorry to read about е Mac 
unfortunate penis ж (The Worst 
Break of My Life, N&@er) but glad 


to know Are now aware 
this injury can q ‘ach time I go to 
the operating 'o repair a penis, at 
least one nur y, “I didn't know 
you could that!”—and these are 
medica nals. The hard inner 
sfissue that engorges with 
fp just as a tire blows out. 
atients with one side rup- 
Woth sides ruptured and even 
rethra torn in half. Many men 
until it's too late and suffer a severe 
manent bend or erectile problems. 
he sun should never set or rise on a 
potentially fractu 
Richard Santucci 
ng Hospital 
Detroit, Michigan 


SPOT THE BUNNY 

As a researcher at MIT 1 study nano- 
structures, particularly carbon nano- 
tubes, which are grown by placing a 
silicon wafer in a high-temperature 
furnace containing a carbon gas. A 


Swizzle sticks for your microscopic drink. 


chemical reaction draws up millions 
of parallel nanotubes in any shape you 
specify. The hope is that scientists some- 
day will be able to control this reaction 
to create lightweight cables that will 
have fantastic strength and electrical 
conductivity. As an experiment, I fash- 
ioned microscopic blocks of nanotubes 
in the shape of a famous icon—prob- 
ably the tiniest version of the Rabbit 
Head ever created. Each is about a 
quarter millimeter wide. The bow ties 
are about the width of a human hair. 

John Hart 

Cambridge, Massachusetts 


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offered now for the first time to PLAYBOY readers and collectors worldwi. ` 
As part of this exciting offering, International Images will host “Fantasy Pace. > х Reality”, 

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Olivia 
Munn 


THE TECHT 


Get this straight: Olivia Munn 
is a nerd. There was some con- 
fusion on this point when she 
took over co-hosting duties on 
G4's Attack of the Show! in 
early 2006. The network's 
rough equivalent to E! News, 
Attack of the Show! covers 
entertainment for a mostly 


male and fairly geeky audience. “ i 
“They were saying, ‘Yeah, she’s Peopl ein 
hot, but does she know any- the (cele 


thing about video games?” à 

Olivia recalls. “I have a com- with me 

plex about being pretty enough, 

so when I heard that, | was get scan?” 
like, ‘Thank you!’” She admits 
video games were her weak 
suit, but she holds firm on her 
tech acumen. When bored, 
she'll tweak her PC, which is 
easier than a Mac to “break 
apart and do a bunch of shit to. 
l'Il put in more memory or a 
new fan." At this point in our 
chat she touted her new hand- 
held thingy, then fretted over 
syncing it with her old whatsit. 
We just nodded and let her fin- 
ish—she's a talker, this one. 
On her other G4 show, Formuj 

D, she follows the pro ¬) 
circuit. “I think Рт a 

driver,” she says, as if, 
sumed she isn't. "Pe 
car with me get sca it I'm 


fesses that sh 
speeding i C, was more 
chafed by tbe 5 social skills 
“Не recognized 
me on a date. 


iving me a ticket, 
so no. Then he gave me 
his busfhess card and asked if 


I would hire him to be my body- 
guard. How lame is that?" 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY BRIE CHILDERS 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com for any further request. 


[ afterhours 


inde o 


The Naked City 


HITTING THE BRICKS WITH THE 
MAN WHO GETS NEW YORK 
GIRLS TO BARE IT ALL 


When we met shutterbug Andrew 
Einhorn, we knew he was onto some- 
thing. His shtick is simple: Approach 
women on the street and ask them to 
pose for nude photographs. While the 
maneuver may not play in Peoria 
Einhorn's turfÉ—downtown New York— 
teems with enough free spirits and reb- 
els to fill a book or three. His first two 
collections, Naked Happy Girls (2003) 
and Bubble Bath Girls (2005), are 368- 
page tributes to the simple joy of strip- 
ping down and smiling for the camera. 
But the photos are only part of the story. 
Getting strange women to take their 
clothes off requires Einhorn to play 
both seducer and salesman. The series 
Naked Happy Girls, premiering January 
13 on Playboy TV, follows him around 
town on his quest to compile a third 
book. Einhorn's brash optimism and 
unapologetic love of the female body 
are endearing and a little inspiring. But 
unless you're a glutton for rejection, we 
don't recommend trying this at home. 


managing expectations 


With This 
String... 


TODAY'S CELEBRITY 
UNIONS HAVE BUILT-IN 
MARRIAGE PENALTIES 


Nick and Jessica didn't sign 
one, but Britney and Kevin did. 
With the recent rash of cek 2- 
rity splits, high-profile pt; 
nuptial agreements and th. ` 


quirks are again in the "en . We asked Los Angeles divorce 
lawyer Scott Weston (whose “lients have included Barry Bonds, 
Snoop Dogg and Dis ^v CEO Robert Iger) for some of th 


strange demands of ,. ~minent brides: 


The wife of an NBA >t © andated 
that he be prese и «c* her birth- 
days or face a "^. ` /00 fine. 

A Hollywood ach uss required a 
$100,000 b. ` for each preg- 
nancy, at ,uing that childbear- 
ing woula , ‘in her figure and, by 
extens эп, 1er acting career. 

A’ | A. real estate developer's 
spo. “e negotiated a fine of 
$100 for every minute he is late 
to a given commitment. He was 


granted exceptions for emergen- 
cies, pending documentation. 

A songwriter's bride stipulated that 
he never write negative lyrics about 
her, or he will face a $150,000 
fine for each offending line and 
forfeit all royalties from the work. 
An oil tycoon's wife dictated that 
any affair committed aboard his 
multimillion-dollar yacht would 
result in the forfeiture of said 
yacht—to her. 


drink of the month 


They AII 
Scream 
for Iced 
Cream 


Chocolate is 

the handiest 
aphrodisiac, 

and if legend 
can be believed, 
a love-struck 
innkeeper invented 
amaretto as a oe | 
gift for a famous 

painter. Love 

potions don't come more potent than this. 


Y2 shot white rum 

1 shot Disaronno amaretto 

1 shot brown créme de cacao 

1 shot cream 

Shake all ingredients in a cocktail shaker and pour 
into a tumbler half filled with crushed ice. Garnish 
with chocolate shavings. 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com for any further request. 


Pictures of Rosie 


A COMIC-BOOK ARTIST 
GETS PAID TO OBSESS 
OVER A HOT ACTRESS 


Illustrator Tony Shasteen's job 
has been unusual of late—even 
by comic-book standards. 
His most recent title, Occult 
Crimes Taskforce, was co- 
created by actress Rosario 
Dawson. She's also its star, 
in a way: Protagonist Sophia 
Ortiz is meticulously modeled 
after Dawson herself. To get Ortiz just right, 
to shoot photos of Dawson for referenc, è 
of them. He ended up drawing her as 
each issue. "It was tough having t 
it right that many times,” Shastse® 
it was Rosario. She makes the da 


hasteen had 
Му 1,400 


еопе and get 
But it helps that 
} a little easier.” 


afterhours 


the framing of the screw 


ONE-NIGHT-STAND PRO 
CHELSEA HANDLER ON 
POSTCOITAL COURTING 


Here's something people ask 
me a lot: “What do | do if I've 
had a one-night stand an, 
now I’m worried about lov 
| have four answers by 
it is such a vague qu 


her 
a lot, even if 5 oesn't 
return your c uitters 
don't find uitting 
when you ou should is the opposite of love. Go 
nd stare at her window. Knock on it. 


to her h 
Gently mething through it, such as a rock. Make 
netrate, then defenestrate. 


Before 
company, tell her you have irritable bowel syn- 
Some illnesses, such as leukemia, can make a 
girl love you more, but IBS isn't one of them. 

Tell 
him you're thrilled to be starting a family together, assum- 
ing the old hole-in-the-condom trick worked last night, and 
suggest he start looking for a second job because you've 
always dreamed of being a stay-at-home mom. He'll flee. 

This 
just doesn’t happen. Women who have one-night 
stands don’t let them become relationships, because 
once you're in a relationship, you can't have one-night 
stands anymore. If | meet you and we do it that night, 
you won't be my boyfriend. But face it, you will never 
be my boyfriend anyway. 


—and no, | didn't 
have sex with him the first night | met him. | held out for 
a couple of days, and then we took ecstasy in Vegas and 
fell in love. That's the lesson: If | can find love, anyone 
can. Ecstasy, however, is harder to come by. 


Chelsea Handler stars on E!'s Chelsea Handler Show—duh. 


егч: л9 Nothing to the Imagination 
SF LL ^" ¿D PICTURES FROM A BOOK ABOUT SEX TERMS 


Tn. ^ontemporary Dictionary of Sexual Euphemisms, by Jordan Tate, explains such locker-room talk as mustache ride and camel toe. 
(If you don't know those, buy the book.) Our favorite part: the photos that illustrate (all too literally) some entries. Can you identify 


the ones above? (ANSWERS: A. pearl necklac: 


B. hide the salami; C. money shot; D. muff diver; E. popping that (her) cherry.) 


18 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com for any further request. 


[ afterhours 


y 
=$ 
© 


Construction Sight 
PENNSYLVANIA HANDYWOMAN JACQUELYN 


JOHNSTON IS A TOOL-BELT DIVA 
PLAYBOY: So what do you do? 
of carpentry. | 


JACQUELYN: I'm in construction. | 
frame, hang drywall, plaster, paint 
PLAYBOY: We don't come acros: 
workers who are women—let alo) 
JACQUELYN: Well, my sister асі, 
And while | may be sexy, | sh 
PLAYBOY: Sorry—just noticin, 
JACQUELYN: | wear nails о! 
four on my hand and broke 
which is good because, 
PLAYBOY: What's mor: 
JACQUELYN: Oh, |’ 
shoot was great, 
the set design. 
PLAYBOY: Wi 


ks. 
any construction 


ks in construction too. 
ite that | am not girlie. 
r fingernails. 

. Once | dropped a two-by- 
them. But | don't do my hair, 
st days | have to wear a hard hat. 
'ortable, worker's jeans or lingerie? 
comfortable in my own skin. This 
| spotted a carpentry mistake in 


'e a pro. What's the best part of the job? 
JACQUELYN: їе!у the demolition. | like nothing more 
than taking jgehammer or crowbar to a room. It relieves 
is a great workout. 

w. What do you do to unwind? 

: | like to grab a six-pack of beer and head to the 
night fishing. See? | told you I'm not girlie. 


Emp? ус the Month candidates: Send pictures to Playboy Photography Department, Attn. 
Employee of the Month, 680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611. Must be at least 
18 years old. Must send photocopies of a driver's license and another valid ID (nat a credit 
card), one of which must include а current photo. 


tta dame 


Eloquent Ogling 


RY LION 


Q: YS 


Each action 

d, everything 
оок. When she 
hing might hap- 
gued and opposed, 
'and performed a sed- 
fd naturally | wondered 
he whole of her body.” 


new novel, House of Meetings 


HOW A LITER/ 
"Being indivisible was her prime cong) 
involved the whole of her. When sh, 
swayed. When she laughed, everyt 
sneezed—you felt that absolut 
pen. And when she talked, whei 
across a tabletop, she leaned 
entary belly dance of rebu 
what else she did like t 


—from Marti 


ancient chine’ . 


A Em ; БА - 
Are You Unbreakable? 
THREE EASY STEPS TO SHAOLIN INVINCIBILITY 


Shaolin monks have met pain and defeated it. Their 
“iron” kung fu disciplines—iron head, iron hand and, 
yes, iron crotch—allow them to take blows that put other 
tough guys down for the count. Matthew Polly, author of 
American Shaolin, breaks down the mad monks’ method: 
1. Use the force The Chinese believe in chi, a defensive 
energy shield that can be focused on specific body parts 
by using breathing exercises and traditional movements. 
2. Beat yourself up An iron-hand trainee spends half an 
hour each day plunging his fists into rice, then sand, 
then—ouch—gravel. The iron-crotch student has it far 
worse: He starts out pounding his family jewels with his 
fist, then a wooden paddle and finally a metal plate. 

3. Mystery meds The second day of training is like tak- 
ing a hammer to a bruise. It’s a world of pain that can be 
eased only by top-secret herbal medicine—a stewlike sub- 
stance that yellows the skin and may contain rat flesh. 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com for any further request. 


THE NEW TASTE OF TEMPTATION 


ENTICINGLY MELLOW PEAR VODKA. ABSOLUT.COM 


Be original this year and NI 


Bear-Gram gift this Valenti: 
Over 100 Bears to choos; 


а card with your per: 
our famous gift bf 
Bears work. We far 


(Shown: 15" Love Bal 


Choose from hundreds of styles. 
Each Pajamagram comes with a 
lavender sachet, gift card and Do Not 
Disturb sign, delivered in a beautiful 
hatbox. ALL FREE! 


(Shown: Ruby Velour Lounge Set) 


Yeah, you've sent her flowers before, but 
not like this. Make the BIGGEST impression 
and fill her office or home with the largest, 
most gorgeous roses ever. Her co-workers 
and friends will flip out, and you'll look 

like a hero. She'll be so impressed and will 
thank you over and over. 


(Shown: 100 Roses, Champagne Cooler & 
Gourmet Truffles) 


Price listed in the Neiman Marcus Christmas cata 
for a party of six. The trip will take place aboard th: 
craft and includes medical prep, training and a px 


Playin evil’s Advocate 


Bloggeg#teve Wells has counted the number 
of pe illed in the Bible. God takes the 
livgs 


(not including the victims 
Ws flood, Sodom and Gomorrah, and 
t any plagues and famines 
responsible for only 10 death 


c.). Satan is 


those of Job's 
seven sons and three daughters. 


Group chairman Sir Richard Branson's private Caribbean island retreat. 


ә space 
3alactic spac 
ht party at Virgin 


In Italy 1 out 
of every 

items shoplifted 
is Parmesan 
cheese. 


According to a kids-versus-parents 
sexual-awareness poll in New York 
of its teenage 
respondents have had sex, but only lei 

of the parents think their 
child has had intercourse. 


magazine, 


It's Not the Size of the Boat. 


of female Cosmopolitan readers say penis size is the key to 


Only 


gu: ember 2006, num- 


Questionable Chagas 


Of the 1.5 million students 
2006, just wrote tl 
cursive script; the other 
letters. Educators pred 
of computers, cursive 


k the SAT in 
uired essay in 
inted it in block 


According to a 
Beliefnet poll, 
55% of its 
respondents say 
sex is a part of 
their spirituality, 
» have 
prayed either 
before or after 
sex, and 4 
define sex as a 
gift from God. 


~*~ 


S a SoH 


of 
ilton's C 
sold of her sex tape: 


They Do 
Less After 
Nine A.M. 


pies sold of Paris 
Copies 


if 


The national a 
unemployment M 
rate: ч 


The rate among 
nonveterans agec 
20 to 24: 

The rate among 


veterans aged 
20 to 24: 


A Bad Man Is Hard to Find 


Bodog.com's odds on whose body will be found first: 
Jimmy Hoffa's, Osama Bin Laden's, 2 


Fund-Raisers 


of parents assume 

that scholarships 
and grants will help with col- 
costs; almost 75% think 
their child is special enough 
to warrant a scholarship. 


their sexual satisfaction. Thrusting technique came out on top, at 


lic due to the ubiquity 
are numbered. 


21 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com for any further request. 


E E25 f Ww N N NG BEER F OCR MAN С 

“Ferocious performance” “A technical m^s. rpiece" 

Speedzones.com 2) ‚opean Car 
“The best ever made” “Cons . “ently ranked #1” 

Forbes.com Men's Journal 
“The World's Best” “the highest protection” 
- Radartest.com - Motor Trend 
"The one to have" "The only way to go" 
- Sport Compact Car - Backroads 
"| want one" "State ofthe art" 


- Vette Magazine - Popular Mechanics 


And the «vinner is... 


When we introduceu the Passport 8500 X50, it was instantly 
acclaimed “The World's Best”. And, in more than опе dozen 
independent ss. *t,2 experts agreed. The Passport 8500 X50 
provides the “74 .r ange on every radar and laser signal, while 
virtually elimir. “ing false alarms. It's unlike any detector ever made. 


Tekec ` no. sk” 30-day test drive. You'll agree with the experts 
anat the Passport 8500 X50 is truly “The World's Best!” 


Order yours today at www.EscortRadar.com 
or call toll-free 1-800-637-0322 
Department 600727 


E кєн БЕ гл 


FOLLOW NO ONE 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com for any further request. 


movie of the month 


THE NUMBAR 


Carrey plus Madsen mal 


In the offbeat thriller The 
into madness after be 
novel full of weird pan 
continually surfaces 
tunately for him, th; 
Schumacher-dir 
Madsen in dua 


23 


one sexy equation 


23, Jim Carrey plunges 
ssed with an obscure old 
his existence. The figure 23 

he text and his life, and unfor- 
ends in a grisly murder. The Joel 
d Tick features Oscar nominee Virginia 
as the wife trying to bring husband 
Carrey back fe brink of suicide and as a ferociously 
sexual my: yoman who drives men to their doom. “| 
h a really 
bout making this movie,” says Madsen. “We 

помп L.A., where | always felt slightly in dan- 


ng scenes that involved 
around on the dirty floor of 


“Everybody 
wants to be a 
ith parking space number 


23 that I'd come back to late at little naughty 


Sha. m 
night. For me the movie was ап ON film. 
especially big risk because of the 

simulated sex scenes. Everybody wants to be a little 
naughty on film, but it was still a moth-to-the-flame experi- 
ence." Madsen credits Carrey for her enthusiasm. “Jim is 
the most exciting actor I've ever worked with—unpredict- 
able in his performance but not in life. He's funny, sexy and 
areal actor. At some of our darkest moments he'd be doing 
impersonations or telling tales." — Stephen Rebello 


Music and Lyrics Our call: Soft rock with more 
talk? These kinds of stories 
are all about harmony, so this 
icy challenged, | romantic comedy will be pitch- 
jarrymore), and | perfect or go flat based on Grant 


back. and Barrymore's chemistry. 


С plays а 
4 on which he 


has-been 1980s pop star frantic to write, 
can duet with a teen pop princess. 
he hooks up with his kooky plant 
sparks fly as she helps him get ух 


Our call: Don't go expecting a 
rip-roaring Armageddon reunion 
of Thornton and Willis, but 
enjoy the eccentric performances 
in Northfork director Michael 
Polish's folksy tale. 


This quirky 
satire features space captai п аз a NASA man forced 
to retire to save the family f his neighbors write him 
off as a nut ball and QU views him as a loose can- 


non, he builds a rocket ly realize his dream of flying. 


Dark 
ertake a run-down sunflower farm in 
volving around a drifter (Corbett) who be- 
family, When the troubled teen daughter 


Our call: Directed by the Pang 
brothers, who helmed the creepy 
Asian horror flick The Eye, this 
teen-targeted English-language 
debut is unlikely to scare up 
the earlier film’s success. 


starts AU it's the beginning of bloody mayhem. 


„© 
In this prequel to 


ragon, little Hannibal Lecter survives World War Il and 
is Тео die. Taken in by his mysterious, beautiful aunt (Li) 
years later, Hannibal blossoms into a teen medical prodigy 
and an artist who begins fulfilling his cannibalistic destiny. 


ising 


Our call: Watching Hannibal's 
wonder years may seem 
like the film equivalent of a 
nice Chianti, but Anthony 
Hopkins's mature malevo- 
lence is sorely missed. 


23 


PLAYBOY 


24 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com for any further request. 


The inside story on Jack nes 
is on the outside of theseYne glasses. 


There's a bit of history in every sip of Jac 
that goes back to 1866, when Jack Dy 
2 history that includes many RS 
bottles. 
Friends of Mr. Jack can s his fine work in an equally 
fine collection of = glasses 1 by these legendary bottles 
and decanters. There are 18 Masses in all, each with a style 
and a story all its own. 
We think you'll enjo 
Almost as much as yo 
historic glass. Some 
crystal. But they're all 
To show o 
some display. О, 


Janiel’s®. It's a history 
st opened his distillery. 
ies, and many famous 


S "inside stories labour Jacke Daniels: 
Enns ED CEDERE 

ter, some are glass, some are sparkling 

ME Sing to hold in che hand. 

[legon bball 18 shor glass thera hand: 

Маай Батар en wegdikomone oF Or Ver 

awn whiskey barrels 
nte ане 

Legends of Jack Daniels Shor Glas 

Шай, ved be pleased Send уси 

ЕЕЕ АЕ 


is included at no added cost (shipping 
charges apply). To subscribe, fill out 
the coupon and mail it to us. 

We'll do the rest. 


©2007 Jack Daniels All rg 
Your Friends at Jack Daniels 


"Whiting" glass is taken rom 
a Scenes from Lynchburg bottle. 


id you to drink тера 
For ages 21 and up. 


is just $12.95 per glass, and the display 


NO 
| Wes 


"ALL GOODS 
WORTH 
PRICE CHARGED" 
Jack Daniels Limited guarantees 
your complete satisfaction. I 

айай with any 
purchase for any reason, we will 


MAIL THIS FORM BY FEBRUARY 28, 2007 


JACK DANIELS® LIMITED 
P.O. Box Lynchburg TN 3735 


1 do indeed wish to subscribe to the Legends of 
Jack Daniel's Shot Glass Collection, and receive 
my 18 shot glasses at the rate of one a month. 
1 understand that no payment is required 

now. Bill me just $12.95" per glass and send the 
custom display at no added cost. | may 
cancel my subscription at any time. 
* Plus $4.25 per glass for shipping and processing ($12.98 for the display). 

Orders subject to acceptance. Appropriate sales tax will be added. 


МАМЕ 


ADDRESS 


City STATE ZIP. 


TEL. 


E-MAIL 


54189783 
н | 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com for any further request. 


Jack_DANIEL’s® 


OLD No. 7 


COCKTAIL GLASSES 


3 


Refreshment never looked 


There's no mistaking the smooth, mellow flavor of Jack Daniel's Old 


No. ennessee Whiskey. Which is why Ol, N is the key ingredi 
k especially rasty 


ent in so many refreshing cocktails. 5.0) 
when served up in the Jack Daniels „С Icktail Glasses. 
i 


These four handsome glasses and ive g 


is decorated with the Jack 


made Mr. Jack proud. Each 12-ou tz 
Daniels name and the Old N 


carries a popular Jack Daniel 


nd the back of each glass 
ipe Downhorne Punch®, Jade 
and the Jackarita 


xt will also let folks know youre a 


Daniels Tennessee Tea, [уп Lemonade”, 
The four glass stirrers i 


friend of Mr. Jack. Becaus 
Jack Daniel's bottle. 


stirrer is crowned with a replica of a 


Lyncrpure LEMONDE 


t $58.50. To order 
Her Form attached and 


IF youd like to Q: 4 Daniels Old No. 7 Cocktail Glasses, 
well gladly sell my bu. The set of four 


glasses and stirre 


yours, fill oy 


mail it to uy do the rest. 


A different Jack Daniel’s 
drink recipe on each glass 


YoW Friends at [ack Daniels remind you to drink responsibly 


and up. 


ppealing. 


lass stirrers would have 


"ALL GOODS 
WORTH 
PRICE CHARGED" 


Jack Daniel's Limited guarantees 
your complete satisfaction. If 


gE DAM; 


tS 


рок, 
gladly return your money 


mro” = 


MAIL THIS FORM BY FEBRUARY 28, 2007 


JACK DANIELS” LIMITED 
PO. BOX 7 LYNCHBURG TN 3735 


1 do indeed wish to order the Jack Daniel's? Old 
No.7 Cocktail Glasses, an imported set of four 
glasses and four glass stirrers. 

| understand that no payment is required with 
my order, and that | will be billed for my glasses 
and stirrers in three monthly installments of 
$19.50* each. 


Name 
PLEASE PRINT CLEARLY 
ADDRESS. 
City STATE ZIP. 
TELEPHONE 
MAIL 


E 


6.50 per жа for shipping and processing. Orders subject to acceptance 


Appropriate sales tax will be added 
$4179107 


L 


26 


reviews 


dvds 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com 


for any further request. 


sat on the shelf for a year, awaiting its 
Day weekend. The premise 
of co-writer and director 
Mike Judge's latest has Luke 
Wilson—an Army private 
who was placed in a hiberna- 
tion experiment and forgot- 
ten—awakening 500 years 
in the future, a bizarre dys- 
topia in which he's the smart- 
est guy alive. The film's charm 
lies in its nonstop riffs on 
contemporary pop culture 
gone berserk, from bad 
ideas like irrigating crops 
with an energy drink to good 
ideas like Starbucks adding 
hand jobs to its menu. Best 
extra: Five deleted scenes. 
yyy —Greg Fagan 


IDIOCRACY 


Mike Judge’s underrated comedy gets the last laugh on DVD 


You want the satire? You can’t handle the satire. That line of thinking drove this 
brilliantly funny if uneven sci-fi comedy into the ground at Fox, where it unjustly 


tepid theatrical release this past Labor 


THE GUARDIAN (2006) Exciting sea 
rescues and heartfelt performances by 
Kevin Costner as a Coast Guard hero and 
Ashton Kutcher as a hotheaded recruit 
keep this action t 1 
flick afloat. Best > 
extra: A look at 
real Coast Guard | 
heroes and their 
Hurricane Katrina 
rescues. yy 
—Stacie Hougland & 


GRIDIRON GANG (2006) This gritty dra 
has coach Sean Porter (the Rock) y 
football as therapy at a juvenile pr 

Its The Bad News Bears meets Ti 
gest Yard—with |, — 
drive-by shoot- 
ings. Best extra: 

A reunion of the 
real-life gang. 
Also available on 
Bluray. ¥¥¥ 


Se SIX 
tles, 


with An- 
(pictured), 


gel 
Macao, Home 
From the Hill and 


The Yakuza. He tries 
Guys and the Bad 
tale The Sundowr 

ith vulnerable. Best 
shares his thoughts 
—Brendán Cummings 


'OMPLETE FIRST SEASON 

Gervais portrays the Rodney 

Dangerfield of the extras world, while 

rs such as Kate Winslet (pictured) 

the entertainment biz. This unPC 

will make 

laugh and 

quirm in equal 

measure. Best 

extra: Outtakes 

with the guest 
stars. УУУУ 

—Bryan Reesman 


THEY ALL LAUGHED (1981) No one 
laughed when 1980 Playmate of the Year 
Dorothy Stratten didn't live to see the re- 
lease of this, her final film. The pall her 
murder casts over Peter Bogdanovich's 
love letter to Manhattan erodes the joy of 
seeing her and Ben Gazzara, Audrey 
Hepburn and John Ritter discover ro- 
mance. Still, aa И Ze 


ten's luminosity Ў 
E 


remains undimin- 
ished. Best extra: 
Wes Anderson 
and Bogdanovich 
talk about direct- 
ing. УУ; —8.M. 


(2006) Billy Bob 
nebbish Jon He! 
assertive prick. Н, 
on the nerd nic! 
ton and he gu 


dn teaches 
to be an 
о has a lock 

Its when Thorn- 
е same girl. УУ 


(2006) This 


in its blowcentric tales 
cks and body counts. УУУ 


(2006) The 
тог-гетаке cycle reaches its nadir 


5 director Neil LaBute fails to convinc- 
ingly reimagine this tale of a police- 


man (Nicolas Cage) lost in a menacing 
female-dominated culture. y/2 


(1957) A torrid 
romantic melodrama with icon Clark 
Gable as a Civil War-era plantation 
owner who falls hard for sexy South- 
ern belle Yvonne De Carlo. ¥¥¥¥ 


(2006) Sam 
Jackson's venomous in-flight thriller 
didn't live up to the Internet-fueled hype, 
but it's still a slithery guilty pleasure 
you'll want to motherfucking watch 
with some rowdy motherfuckers. ¥¥¥ 


YY Worth 
Y Fo 


YYYY Don't mi 


Whether she's posing for PLAYBOY or run- 
ning from her past—and her blouse—as 
in this scene from Boys on the Side, we 
salute D B e for baring all. 


CT under license from the trademark owner. 
ie 


JOSE CUERVO BLACK MEDALLION Tequila. 40% All. C2007 m 
JOSE CUERVO ard JOSE CUERVO BLACK MEDALLION are trademarks 


Vf." SMOOTHER, ne 
1, AT'S PERFECT WITH COLA. 


DON'T LET G0. VERDE a, I 


28 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com for any further request. 


reviews music 


SECRET CRUSHES | S | 


Moxie and integrity can make your pulse race as much as bare midriffs 


In the early days of rock, women tended to show up as either Star's Hope Sandoval (15) and ae Ha N solidified the 
packaged projects—think Nancy Sinatra and Phil Spector's stable trend, and boy, has it had legs—checkge Mmanda Tannen of 
of girl groups—or pretty puppets, such as Michelle Philips of the — Stellastarr (8) for proof. These days М ЎФемі of Rilo Kiley (1) 
Mamas and the Papas. Rare were the Grace Slicks and Janis is the queen of hearts, with Neko Ca %lso stoking alt-country 
Joplins, musical forces and masters of their own destinies. That fantasies. Other indie chicks with g Djects right now are Kate 
all changed with punk. (Thank you, Joan Jett.) At the close of the Jackson of the Long Blondes (Ж larshall, a.k.a. Cat Power 
1980s, Sonic Youth's Kim Gordon (7) and the Pixies’ Kim Deal (3), Annalee Fery of Monstq Q9 aiting (4), Trish Keenan of 
ushered in a new concept: the indie chick, artistically admirable Broadcast (9), Sharin Foo à aveonettes (10), Keren Ann 
and totally desirable. Harriet Wheeler of the Sundays (5), Mazzy (11), the Pipettes (13) andg@@ugfopster Annie (14). 


TORPEDO BOYZ * Headacl i ROOTS OF RUMBA ROCK 
This is the U.S. release of a ТДАРЕВО) There’s great music to be found in 
of Berlin club pop already fillin the collision of cultures. Congolese 
dance floors. It's a gr: rumba grew out of the adaptation 
infused house, big b: Pizzicato of Cuban son montuno by Kinshasa 
Five-like zaniness. arly fun are musicians in the early 1950s. This 
guest vocalist Jas; agh's acerbic two-disc set captures the exhilaration 
lines on “Gimm Ssline." (Sounds of a music that conquered Africa. 
From the Roo —Tim Mohr (Crammed) ¥¥¥ — —Leopold Froehlich 


THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE QUEEN 
Following the success of his Gorillaz 
project, Blur frontman Damon Albarn has 
hatched another supergroup, this one 
with Fela Kuti's drummer and members 
of the Clash and the Verve. Throwing 

rage acts as the Pop Tarts and woozy keyboards and circular guitar 
Helen Love. Singer Kali Holloway is a sit, themes into Danger Mouse productions, 
star. (Absolutely Kosher) ¥¥¥ —ТМ. 3 ES this is mellow gold. (Virgin) УУУУ —T.M. 


THE АЕРА! 5 Yes to You 

Don't disrgjss Mis as just another New 
York bak In creating its sassy lo-fi 
updati 'ay Spex and early Blondie, 


thi uses lots of toy-organ tones 
СС of such deliciously amateurish 
р 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com for any further request. 


reviews 


games 


month 


game of t 


and the aforementioned 
aliens. The chilly set- 
ting isn't just window 
dressing: You'll struggle 
throughout the game to 
conserve your depleting 
thermal energy—freezing 
environments drain you 
faster than merely cold 
ones. Plus, 16-person 
multiplayer with assorted 
mech suits and giant guns 
keeps things going online. 
The weather outside may 
be frightful, but the action 
has never been hotter. 
УУУУ; — —John Gaudiosi 


COLD COMFORT 


Guns, snow and gigantic bugs—sounds like a party to us 


If the idea of Starship Troopers set on the planet Hoth is appealing, you'll be right 
at home with Lost Planet: Extreme Condition (360). This third-person shooter puts 
you in the snowshoes (and armored mech suits) of Wayne, a man out to kill as many 
oversize insectlike Akrids as he can. Frenetically paced and featuring some of the 
more breathtaking visuals yet seen on the Xbox 360, this sci-fi adventure tells a story 
straight out of Hollywood, involving interstellar exploration, warring snow pirates 


BATTLESTATIONS: MIDWAY (PC, 360) 
World War Il games tend to be obsessed 
with the European theater, but with all 
that went on between Pearl Harbor and 
Okinawa, we're not sure why. This 
game's strength is its flexibility: Players 
can control naval and air units from an 
admiral's distant, on-high perspective, 
or they can zoom all the way in to com- 
mand individual 
ships and planes. 
There are even 
challenge mis- 
sions for the Im- 
perial Japanese 
forces. ¥¥¥ 

—Chris Hudak 


PHOENIX WRIGHT: JUS 
(DS) The first Phoenix 
courtroom game was 
but a sleeper on the: 
up to our knowin 
second iteration 

of your invesgig 


. You're aided this 
a psychic assistant 


Ah, Mr. Wright. 
you showed. 


val lawyers 
try to bring you 
down. yyy—.c. =< 


WARIOWARE: OTH MOVES (Wii) 
As electro ing games go, this 
one's just Invite some friends, 


fire up t ? crack open a case of 
your f. brain fuzzer and let the 
sequ DS minigame masterpiece 
fire ©" than 200 speed challenges 
for fo accomplish with the remote 
ndawhat's left of your noggin. After 
urs of this 
eight shots 
Your belly, 
Zoom Schwartz 
Pafigliano will 
seem like a walk 
in the park. ¥¥¥ 
—Scott Stein 


Don't drop it! 


METAL GEAR SOLID: PORTABLE OPS 
(PSP) The transition of best-selling spy- 
thriller franchise Metal Gear to PSP 
should have been a no-brainer. Bizarrely, 
the nervy thrills of the series were 
replaced with a tepid card-based strat- 
egy—twice. Luckily, this big-budget, 
pocket-friendly follow-up adheres to the 
Metal Gear formula we know and love— 
a tense mix of 
shadow-hugging 
reconnaissance, 
sniper firefights 
and interrogation. 
A return to form, 
finally. yyy Y 

—Scott Steinberg BE 


ES 


[ SERIAL KILI ] 


Episodic games. lay and 
then get oi ur life 
i п 50 to $60 up 


60 hours to fin- 
A.M. gaming ses- 


to downloadable epi- 
cost as little as $9 and 
ed in four to six hours, 


classic has 
been resur- 
rected as a three-dimensional puzzle- 
solving serial that pits an animated 
canine sleuth and his psychotic rabbit 
sidekick against a 1970s child star 
cum criminal mastermind. Goofy fun. 


(PC, PS3, 
360; steam 
games.com) 
Swat head 
crabs with 
crowbars and 
saw sham- 
bling zom- 
bies in half with your gravity gun, as the 
award-winning splatterhouse sci-fi saga 
of ass-whupping scientist Gordon Free- 
man continues. Disc-based versions are 
also available in stores. 
(PC, ritual 
.com) Busty 
villains, 
frothing 
mutants, 
shit-talking 
sidekicks: 
It's just an- 
other day at 
the office for 
HardCorps commander John Blade. 
Deliver justice at gunpoint in this 
sequel to the 1998 cult fave and 
adolescent fantasy. (PC, 
kumagames.com) Play the headlines 
via this free 
first-person 
tactical 
shooter, 
which fea- 
tures real- 
world war 
zones in Iraq 
and is cur- # 
rently up to 
78 trigger-happy missions and count- 
ing, including such feel-good assign- 
ments as bagging and tagging Uday 
and Qusay Hussein. —Scott Steinberg 


WHERE AND HOWTO BUY ON PAGE 147. 


29 


30 


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reviews [ books 


novel of the month 


[ SYMPATHY FOR THE DEVIL ] 


Norman Mailer's latest novel charts the rise of the Ейһгег 


The sheer audacity of the conceit is absolutely breathtak- 
ing: Write an ambitious multigenerational novel about the 
Schicklgruber-Hiedler-Hitler family that culminates in the birth, 
childhood and early adolescence of the 
future fúhrer. Narrate the entire saga in 
the sly, insinuating voice of a disembodied 
devil—not the devil, who's referred to here 
as the Maestro, but a lesser midlevel func- 
tionary from hell's bureaucracy who has 
been specially assigned to watch over its 
budding “client.” Only a writer of Norman 
Mailer's brio and go-for-broke talent would 
dare enter this rather forbidding territory. 
What he has produced in The Castle in 
the Forest is a rich, provocative work of 
exceeding strangeness highly resistant 
to critical pigeonholing. Don't be unduly 
troubled by the first 30 pages or so, which 
contain a relatively abstract meditation on 
Hitler's possible Jewishness and probable 
incestuous heredity. Once the narrative 
wheels begin to click into gear, you are 
embarked upon an outrageously entertain- 
ing literary ride embellished with memo- 
rable, wholly unexpected set pieces: the 
wild bedroom antics the night Adolf was 


conceived, his toilet training and moth 
tion to the cleanliness of her young s: 3 
frustrating adventures in Беекеерј blow job adminis- 
other by a neighboring 
and many more. The 

J interestingly enough, is 
ning dictator but his father, 

, child-abusing drunk who is 

а surprisingly sympathetic and 

оса: 01у affecting portrait. At issue 
the ailing bourgeois family itself, 

E various heats, chills, convulsions 
cramps are charted with a physician's 
curacy. The theme of this tale, never 
overtly voiced, seems to be that given the 
orthodox totems the typical patriarchal 
unit huddles around (male supremacy, the 
strength of the will, adherence to vague, 
spectral notions of honor and glory, etc.), 
is it any wonder such a hothouse arrange- 
ment would eventually breed a worthy mon- 
ster of predictable dimensions? The work of 
an expansive sensibility, this novel provides 
a welcome dose of imaginative oxygen 
to our present “cabin'd, cribb'd, confin'd” 
cultural atmosphere. —Stephen Wright 


beekeeping @ 
central gja 


[6 


We could tell you all comic books are intelligent produced, 

recycled and one-dimensional as ev 

is very smart indeed. Here are the di 
After breaking everyone's brains wit! 

bles) and transdimensional, schizogf 

Morrison continues to burn 

across graphic fiction's 

skies with his frightfully 

ambitious Seven Soldiers 

of Victory (pictured near 

right). Composed of seve 


terrorists (The Invisi- 
cops (The Filth), Grant 


style and devoted 
ferent charact 
heroes done \ 


Oliver's Ta} Exterminators 

(far rig! ıt rare horror story with a monster that might actually 

kill yo day. That's because the villains are mutated super- 

bi the corporation that inadvertently created them. It's 
the way only an army of mutated cockroaches can be. 


Comics are at their best when used to tell stories that could 
not exist in any other medium. Testament is one of them. Novel- 


IC CONTENT ] 


The, best of today's smart comics 


ist and essayist Douglas Rushkoff retells the great stories of the 
Bible, then doubles the narratives in the present day as the 
same themes play out against a techno-shock backdrop. All 
the while, outside the comic's frames, the gods battle, affecting 
past and future alike. This ain't no Youth Evangelical Movement 
meeting: The biblical bits are packed with sex, violence and 
debauchery. Finally, 
Jason Aaron, one of 
graphic fiction's newest 
voices, muscles his 
way onto the scene with 
a pair of gritty books. 
The Other Side (center) 
is a five-issue mini- 
series, soon to be avail- 
able in a single volume, 
that chronicles side by 
side the experiences of 
two soldiers in Vietnam: 
one U.S., one Vietcong. 
January sees the debut of Aaron's new long-run series, Scalped, 
which takes place on a present-day Indian reservation (“a third- 
world nation in the heart of America”) replete with rough road- 
houses and meth labs, ornery Indians and undercover FBI 
agents. Aaron's talent for dialogue is complemented spectacu- 
larly by R.M. Guéra's vivid pencil work. — Scott Alexander 


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WWW. PALMS, сом 


TAS VEGAS, NEVADA 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com for any further request. 


ва MANTRACK 


WARNING/GUARANTEE: THE MERCEDES-BENZ 'AMG will make you want to break the law. We're glad we tested it in Ger- 
many because without the autobahn on our side, we would likely have spent most of our time behind bars rather than behind the 
walnut-inlaid wheel of this 6.3-liter, 507 bhp V; ter. Like an NFL linebacker in a Hugo Boss suit, the CL63 is devastatingly quick, 
rocketing to 60 miles an hour in just 4.4 seco! throaty rumble from its quartet of oversize exhausts (unlike the usual Mercedes 
purr) insists there's something wicked und: 'od, while the butter-smooth Speedshift 7G-Tronic gearbox lets you select among 
Comfort, Manual and the hyperquick le (our favorite). Every conceivable handling and stability aid comes standard, most 
notably improved active body contro} lawlessly collaborates with the AMG's supple yet firm sport suspension. Steering is pre- 
cise and very consistent. Toss this c: long sweeper (as we did on Bavarian back roads) and it'll grip with no Sturm, no Drang 
and no tread squeal from the huge, h tires. The 465 foot-pounds of torque mean the CL63 doesn't much care which gear it's 
in; it'll boogie whenever you st@y it. If you want to hunt Porsches, opt for the performance package (which has a 186 mph 
limit). On sale here in June for, ximately $125,000, not including legal fees. More info at mbusa.com. 


2 When you giv, 
gift, you commu 
tle help with 
up a dozen Tuxedo Berries 
(strawberries@aig¥ed with white and dark choc- 
olate so ‘Һе к as if they're wearing little 
tuxes) atggeries.com for $60. PM AT LEAST 


SLIGHT UGHTFUL Loveisarose.com offers 
an ы se preserved in platinum for $80. 
LE BEAT AROUND THE BUSH Nothing 
зау е you” like a Kama Sutra Love Essentials 


Weekender Kit ($30, ftd.com)—lube, massage 
oil, feather tickler, etc. MAYBE WE SHOULD 
BREAK UP “It's Valentine's Day? Oops.” 


The Latest Dish 


HOW’S THIS FOR a simple 
stroke of genius: the world’s 
first waterproof cookbook. 
Charlie Palmer's Practical 
Guide to the New Ameri- 
can Kitchen ($35, melcher 
.com) is by the enviable chef 
and mogul behind Aureole, 
Métrazur, Dry Creek Kitchen 
et al. Slather the book in 
pulled pork (pictured) or any 
of its other artfully sturdy 
American fare and wipe it 
right up. Good clean living. 


33 


34 


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с o m p u t i 


IN? 

BETWEEN TV, M , video games, 
music, photos 'ouTube, today's 
entertainmen Ins can boggle your 


mind, let al r remote. Those who 
relish bei 'complete control will 


love Phi топїо TSU9600 ($1,300, 
the company's latest 

b clicker. A flush-mounted 

en lets you easily control any 
your home, and built-in wi-fi 
u manage them all from multiple 
s. One-touch command sequences 


Ф turn on the amp, switch to DVD, 
urn on the TV) are a snap to program. 


g 


Controlling Int 


Pet Project 


FOR $1,600 YOU can get 
about 36 inches of flat 
screen or 52 inches of DLP. 
Put that money into a pro- 
jection TV and you get an 
image 300 inches across. 
Epson's PowerLite Home 
Cinema 400 ($1,600, epson 
.com) displays HD up to 
720p, uses 3LCD chip tech- 
nology for optimal color 
reproduction and avoids 
the beige-box design of so 
many of its competitors. 


Q 


ALIENWARE’S NEW DHSA ous PC designed expressly for your audiovisual stack—or rather, it's made to replace it. 
With its built-in 5.1 surrou ind amp, DVD player and ability to record TV shows (in standard definition or HD), you could toss out 
your receiver, TiVo and yers all at once. And while it does everything you expect a computer to do, it also handles composite, 
component and HDM 'ctors to your TV. Because Alienware comes out of the high-end PC-gaming market, the word value isn't 
often associated wi jut with prices starting at $1,000 (alienware.com) for these puppies, that's apparently changing. 


N 
N 


S^ 


TEE» 


0 Drug Reference 
Violence 


ЧЕГ 


COMB So ASSAULT - 


36 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com for any further request. 


The Glass Half Full 


YOU'RE RELAXING IN the bathtub with a beautiful wo, pping a nutty, spicy 
30-year-old tawny port. The sound of Ornette Соіетај fills the room. She says, 
“What is port, anyway?” You say, “It's wine from Py | that's fortified with spir- 
its and then aged in oak barrels." She says, stuff any good?" You say, 
"Excellent. It's from Taylor Fladgate, leading producer of rare 
and vintage ports. This bottle is collection called A Century of 
Ports ($300, parkaveliquor, get four 375-milliliter bottles, 
ld port, together in a handcrafted 
all those years and you get 100." She 
th." You say, "Yes, Lam, aren't 1?” 


wooden box. Add 
says, "Mmm, ve! 


Plane and Simple 


like this. The Jet Coffee Table ($2,500, fiftyeightb.ie), brainchild of Irish 
illimeter-thick powder-coated steel. It’s a scaled-up replica of the classic 
st a wee bit heavier. For optimum effect display it with books on the early days 
and plenty of A4 paper so your guests can make their own. 


IF SUPERMAN MADE paper airplanes, the: 
designer Lorraine Brennan, is folded fro! 
gliders of your youth, only at 44 poungis' 
of aviation, the fighter pilots of Wor] 


С 


Turkish Delight 2 
NOT UNTIL THE um» Istanbul opened its 


doors had anyone e red, “Turkish prison? Let's 
go!" This centu oclassical building in the 
heart of the Sul fet neighborhood was once a 
hellhole echoi опе in Midnight Express. It has 
since gotten a Wf lift: marble floors with detailed 
kilim rugs, gfbdern Turkish paintings, original tapes- 


tries and s of antique bronze lamps. Intimate, 
with j от, many of them spread around the 
fornire Wn courtyard, the hotel is tucked among 
the Sophia and the Blue Mosque, both of 


which are in view from terraces adjoining the fourth- 
floor cells. Rooms start at $420 (fourseasons.com), 
and while bribes are no longer accepted, tips are. 


WHERE AND HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 147. 


s S00. "S Navy SEALs Combined Assault 2006 Sony Computer Entertainment America nc Defeioped by Zipper Interactive, inc "PlaySition“ and fie “PS” Family 00 axe rec 


Mail to notemart@gmail.cc 


à - ЗО FREEDOM CAN. 


You're tasked with commanding... -nost feared fighting force on the planet: With 4-player co-op campaigns that reward teamwork New weapons and 
an intense, relentless ener" "hat's smarter than ever before, you'll be challenged to the fullest at every. turn. The battle awaits, the mission Is clear. 
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ed rademärks of Sory Computer Entertainment 
nc "Ure . Your World, Pay fa Ours” is a registered trademark of Sony Computer Entertainment America he: Onine play requires Intemet connection, Network Acaptor бог Paysizton2) or PlayStationez win intemal network 
cornectorjanc Memory Card (BMB) (or PrayStatonira) (each sc separately). Onine icons a trademark of Sony Computer ntertalffbertmeric іе Tre U.S. Navy prowdedtechnical support, ош doesnot officially endorse ths product. 


m for any further request. 


| Evan 


ER 


E чш TA 
Evan Williams. 
| Aged longer to taste smoother. 
Ear all =< 


Evan Wiens Dry Basson, KY 40001 43% ke — evanwilliams.com 


My boyfriend is a pharmacist. He is 
50 and in fantastic shape. We have a 
solid relationship and are completely 
monogamous. The problem is that 
women frequently hit on him at work. I 
am five-foot-one and weigh 97 pounds. 
The women who hit on him are twice my 
weight and not at all his type. What does 
a guy who receives unwanted advances 
do to remedy the situation besides going 
to management, which I don’t think is 
the solution?—B.T., Peoria, Illinois 
We're confused. Your boyfriend is com- 
plaining to you that women show too much 
interest in him? We don't buy it. We suspect 
he mentioned that customers and co-workers 
sometimes flirt with him, observed your reac- 
tion and knew enough to claim he doesn’t 
find any of them attractive. As long as he 
doesn't respond to these invitations, we don't 
see a problem. And what else could be done, 
ушау? Post a sign that reads, DO NOT TEASE 
PHARMACIST? You have the misfortune of 


THI 
dating a desirable guy. 


I often see simple syrup listed in drink 
recipes. Can I use Karo instead?—R.M., 
Fort Lauderdale, Florida 

No need. Simple syrup is easy lo make. 
The key, writes Darcy O'Neil, a bartender 
wilh a degree in chemistry who contributes 
to Mixologist: The Journal of the Ameri- 
can Cocktail, is to know precisely how much 
sugar your syrup contains so you can create 
well-balanced, consistent drinks. To make 
syrup that has one tablespoon of sugar in 
each one-ounce shot, add two cups of water 
to a pan and bring it to a simmer between 
122 and 140 degrees, the temperature at 
which, O'Neil notes, the water is just slightly 
too hot to keep your finger in for more than 
а few seconds. Add two cups of granulated 
table sugar and a quarter cup of corn зу 
(which stabilizes the mixture) and contpy 
to heat for 30 seconds. Then stir until а 
sugar dissolves. After the mixture cool 
bottle to the 1,000-milliliter mar 
You can also accomplish this witl 
simply add the sugar, corn syrup, 
the bottle and shake. For mor jentrated 
syrup combine three and a hal of sugar 


and half a cup of corn syrugggith о cups of 
water. That will give you hoon of sugar 


in each teaspoon of s © 


Last w ty at our house, 
I left my w business associate 
and went to e had all been drink- 
ing. I woke u hours later, and they 
weren't the. We live on a golf course, 
hem on the nearest fair- 
s riding him and moaning 
him how good his cock felt 

ussy. I blame him somewhat, 
but she is a hot blonde, so I understand 
the temptation. Plus, I am not married 
to him. When I asked my wife what had 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com for any further request. 


Milne Playboy Advis 


ht up in 
rd time 
thoughts? This 
AE ne this, that 


the moment. I 
with this. Wh 
is the second time sh 
I'm aware of. —B.I 

You're very for 
league. But lik 
power of reas 


le, he онш the 
could have avoided 
betraying you Perhaps we are reading 
this wrong Sounds as if you are more 
upset ny deception than the details. 
How loy fou watch before interrupting? 
This Mid radical, but tell your wife to 
ask you first the next time she is tempted. (We 
she has no feelings for your friend 
nd beyond the tip of his penis.) You 
In say no, which she should respect. But 

; тау find you're more comfortable with the 
Mea if you're informed and/or involved. This 
obviously doesn't work for everyone, but it’s 
better than not having a conversation at all. 


Almost since we began dating, four years 
ago, my girlfriend has used her vibrator 
before and during intercourse. For a 
long time I didn’t say anything, but now 
I am fed up. I can easily make her come 
with my tongue, so this isn’t a self-esteem 
problem on my part. 1 just feel it takes 
the spontaneity out of sex. Every time we 
start doing anything, she has to retrieve 
her toy. It would be like my needing to 
watch a porn tape to get aroused. What 
can be done? I feel if things continue this 
y, there won't be much life left in the 
.„ Chicago, Illinois 

vould never discourage a woman from 
using a vibrator. If you're bored, why not hold 
it for her? Take control. Tease her. Ask her to 
caress your balls or anus with it—you may 
better understand its appeal. You could buy 
your own and have a duel—who can last the 


ILLUSTRATION BY ISTVAN BANYAI 


longest buzzing the other? Wg 
hundred ways to turn you 
into a threesome. If you're. 
tionship, that’s a diff 


hink of a 
md her toy 
with the rela- 


Where is the beg 
detector? I have 


e to put a radar 
em on the dash and 
in the upper- ner or center of the 
windshield. “Lawton, Oklahoma 

The be: Yon the windshield, above 
the restin ers and below the strip of 
tintes ng the top. This gives the 
eaf view of the road ahead and 
e problem is that detectors are 
with thieves, who look for suction 
md cords when targeting vehicles. 
Fors of Speed Measurement Labora- 
es says a detector can be effective on the 
'ash as long as you're careful not to place it 
behind a wiper. You can also opt for a remote 
detector with the antenna mounted behind 
the grille and the controls under the dash. 
It's more expensive and has five to 10 pe 
cent less range but is virtually theft-proof. 


M; girlfriend and I use a lot of baby 
talk, I hear other couples using it also. Is 
there a reason we talk to each other like 
children?—D.C., Cleveland, Ohio 

Psychologists believe that baby talk—using 
a higher pitch, speaking more slowly, slurring 
and combining words—is a linguistic mei thod 
by which couples bond emotionally, not unlike 
a parent and an infant. It’s a primitive way of 
reassuring a new lover that you're harmless. 
Notably, many people speak їп the same man- 
ner to houseplants and pets. In a survey of 95 
women and 31 men, two psychologists found 
that 68 percent used baby talk on a regular 
basis, including “I wuv you very, very, very, 
very much,” “Me sawwwy” and “Kins I have 
a back rub, pweeze?” They concluded that the 
frequency of baby talk in a relationship corre- 
lates positively with commitment, satisfaction, 
feelings of love and sexual involvement. They 
also found that couples who use baby talk 
early in thet г relationship usually never stop 
completely, even after they've been together for 
years. What their research doesn’t address is 
how to prevent sane adults who overhear baby 
talk from throwing up. 


After reading The Worst Break of М 
Life (November), Steve Mack's account 
of injuring his penis during sex, I'd like 
to ask about my condition. I discovered 
years ago that I can pop my erection at 
the base. The cracking sound it makes 
during sex was a mystery until I took 
two hands and popped it myself. Some 
of my partners have also tugged it until 
it popped, which they found hilarious. 
Is this common? Is it harmful?—M.A., 
New York, New York 


Dr. Hunter Wessells, a urologist at the 
University of Washington, says the pop may 


occur when pressure is рш on the suspensory 


39 


PLAYBOY 


40 


ligament until it “twangs like a guitar string.” 
Unfortunately, popping your penis puts stres: 
on the dense, spongelike sac inside, causing 
it to balloon. Over time this could lead to 
the curvature known as Peyronie's disease, 
which, according to one hypothesis, occurs 
after repetitive injury to the penis causes scar- 
ring, thus tightening the ligament on one side. 
So don’t purposely repeat it. 


| am a 24-year-old virgin and proud of 
it. I take a lot of criticism from friends 
and co-workers. It’s not the criticism that 
bothers me but the fact that they feel the 
need to criticize. I'm not Quasimodo, I'm 
not impotent, and I'm not a mama's boy. 
When I meet a woman I want to sleep 
with, I'll do it. I've had opportunities but 
turned them down because I didn't want 
to have sex with those particular girls. 
When did it become a crime to be a vi 
gin past the age of 16? Sex is a rite of 
passage, but it takes more than that to be 
a man.—D.R., Dover, New Jersey 

Your friends and co-workers aren't giving 
you a hard time because you're a virgin but 
because you won't shut up about it. What else 
is going on in your life? 


This is a response to all the men who 
have written because they are frustrated 
that their wives don’t fulfill them sexu- 
ally. The discussion always focuses on 
how men find it unacceptable to have a 
relationship with love and affection but 
no sex. Never mentioned, though, is that 
women find it unacceptable to have a 
marriage filled with sex but without love 
and affection and that we also feel com- 
pelled at times to have our needs fulfilled 
elsewhere. It’s not that we don’t like sex; 
I am as capable of getting horny now as 
I have ever been. In fact, last week my 
husband and I had incredibly hot sex; 
however, in my mind I was fucking the 
cute guy at work who flirts with me and 
tells me I'm beautiful and deserve better. 
It baffles me how a stranger is not о! 


willing to as well. So I also feel as thou 


more capable of seducing me but o enlists are hot on the trail of reliable treat- 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com for any further request. 


no reason!” Brizendine suggests wives may 
find it constructive to view sexual intimacy as 
“male communication.” The conflict we see in 
your letter and others like it—and we concede 
our bias—is that many women don't appreci- 
ate the importance of regular sex to a man's 
mental health. They believe sex shouldn't mean 
so much to men and that unbridled male desire 
crude and, as you say, disgusting. 


You wrote in October that “the evidence 
for biology’s influence on male mating 
behavior is stronger than the evidence 
that suggests it’s socially constructed.” In 
fact, the evidence for biology's influence 
is scant and circumstantial at best. Most of 
the research is based on studies of animals 
such as mice or even ants. This leads to a 
more significant error. You state, “To say 
socialization alone makes the genders act 
acertain way is to argue an infant girl can 
be raised as a boy or vice versa.” View- 
ing gender in the absence of the context 
of culture is meaningless. It is true tha 
socialization cannot remove a penis, sey 
stricto, but beyond that, a “boy” 
“natural” male behavio: 
a cultur 
are much stra 
suspect.—T.M., New Orleans! 

No argument there; it’s cq 


“male” or “female” 
the fact is there ате dij 
biological templates tha 
how we're raised. Th 


yay YOu wish, but 
es between the 


d for that because 
see previous letter). 


fush and gargle, my 
mouth taste апа probably smells 
worse. o) any remedies? How about 
technique Md etermining if you have bad 
breath ЩЙ exhaling into your hand? 
Whenever I do, my breath seems to smell 
oli € W., Chicago, Ilinois 
in luck. For eons men and women 
ered from halitosis that has prevented 


s of 


ments. Their research has revealed that 85 to 


I got conned. I propose a ek 90 percent of cases begin in the mouth rather 
jn 


We promise to quit pulling SAN 


disgust every time you touch ou 
promise to occasionally touch, yhout 
its having to lead to more. ‚ Gulf- 
port, Mississippi 


Hold on a minute—wh ys men don't 
want affection and love? 1 don't want 
sex to always be such a gî drama. We're 


told we should conti; ‘ourt our wives, 
i marriage as à con- 


but most guys unger 

tract that stipuld’ fon’t have to work as 

hard to convince Ме we're worthy. In her 
in, Dr. Louann Brizen- 

that a man often interprets his 


wife's lac est in sex as a signal that she 
doesn} A woman gets the 
sam, B when her husband won't engage 


pation. Men can always do better 
with thal, and we're constantly reminded. But 
when was the last time you heard Oprah say, 
“Ladies, fuck your husband twice a week for 


than the stomach and are the results of bacte- 
ria that feed on proteins and sugars, emitting 
chemicals such as hydrogen sulfide (rotten 
eggs), methyl mercaptan (feces), cadaverine 
(rotting corpses), putrescine (decaying meat) 
and isovaleric acid (smelly feet). Wanna 
French? According to microbiologist Mel 
Rosenberg, most cases of halitosis originate on 
the back of the tongue, where bacteria feast on 
postnasal drip. Because saliva usually washes 
away the source of odors, anything that dr 
out the mouth works against you. You will suf- 
fer more if you smoke, breathe through your 
mouth because of allergies, don't eat break- 
fast, talk too much or are stressed. In about 
10 percent of cases the odor comes from the 
nasal passages and in another three percent 
from putrid tonsils. More frequent brushing of 
the teeth and back of the tongue will resolve 
most problems, and gargling with mouthwash 
at night does wonders for morning breath. 


surefire way to know if you have bad 
breath is to ask someone; in studies, people 
have not been able to judge their ow, 


For two years I have been mes] und 
with this guy. When we are r he is 
so sweet. But other times into him 


and he treats me like a sanger. The last 
time we were together ї different, 
and as I was leaving Rd me to din- 
ner. He's never doi ТЇ before. Should 
I take it seriou has fed me BS 
before.—M.S. |, Missouri 

Accept his iy т and see what he has 
to say. We wı be surprised to learn he 

his wife. 


player as a gift but have 
m not clear on the concept. I 
Can download songs for a buck, 
ht about services with a monthly 
D.M., Raleigh, North Carolina 
here are three ways to add music to your 
hyer: (1) rip CDs to your computer and 
mort the files to your player, (2) buy and 
download songs or albums to your computer 
and import the files to your player or (3) pay 
a monthly fee of $5 to $15 to rent songs or 
albums. Rental services typically have two 
tiers. The less expensive option allows you 
to stream music through your PC but not 
download it to your player. The more expen- 
sive option allows you to do both. If you stop 
paying the monthly fee, the files are disabled. 
Notably, these rental services don't work with 
iPods or Macs, which is the major reason they 
aren't more popular. “It’s also psychological, 
says Paul Resnikoff, editor of DigitalMusic 
News.com. “People want to own the music on 
their hard drives. I think that is changing, as 
more players have wireless connections and 
there are more wi-fi spots, so you can down- 
load music from just about anywhere.” 


1 have been dating a woman for five 
weeks, and we have started referring to 
ourselves as girlfriend and boyfriend. But 
her MySpace profile still says she is single 
rather than in a relationship. Should 1 
say something, change my own profile or 
leave it alone? I don't want to creep her 
out—LY,, St. Louis, Missouri 

Change your profile and let her discover it. 
But after five weeks we wouldn't be concerned 
about this unless her profile says she's mar- 
ried. The swinger option is also notable. 


All reasonable questions—from fashion, food 
and drink, stereos and sports cars to dating 
dilemmas, taste and etiquette—will be per- 
sonally answered if the writer includes a 
self-addressed, stamped envelope. The most 
interesting, pertinent questions will be pre- 
sented in these pages each month. Write the 
Playboy Advisor, 730 Fifth Avenue, New 
York, New York 10019, or send e-mail by vis- 
iting our website at playboyadvisor.com. The 
Advisor's latest book, Dear Playboy Advis 
is available at bookstores, by phoning 800- 
423-9494 or online at playboystore.com. 


THE PLAYBOY FORUM 
SERVING THE PUBLIC 


AS A LAPDOG OF BIG MEDIA, THE FCC DOESN'T 
PROMOTE THE PUBLIC INTEREST 


BY ERIC KLINENBERG 


ongress and the Federal Communications Commis- 

sion are drafting policies that will shape the future 

of American media, and the world’s largest com- 
munications corporations have issued an extraordinary 
set of demands. 

Telephone and cable companies want the right to 
control which websites work best on your computer 
so the companies can sell high-speed sites to deep- 
pocketed clients or preferred political groups while 
shunting everyone else into the slow lane. Newspaper 
chains want the right to "cross-own" eight radio sta- 
tions, three television stations and every daily paper 
in a single market. Television networks want the right 
to own and operate local stations in more U.S. cities, 
and radio consolidators want the right to own more 
stations within each town 

This may seem brazen, but big media companies are 
accustomed to having their way with federal agencies 
meant to regulate them. Elected officials are reluctant 
to constrain powerful media corporations because they 


depend on them for attention (preferably not the criti 

cal kind), endorsements and airtime during electig m 
And in the past decade the industry spent nea 
$500 million on lobbying and political n Que 
even giving ЕСС commissioners and staff nearly ST 
lion for travel and entertainment in such med; licy 
hot spots as Paris, Rio and Las Vegas. T gest 
return on this investment has been a transfe ion of 
the FCC's unstated mission: Today, as the Center for 


Public Integrity puts it, the agency is 


industry," and 


A grips of 


regulators act as 
though their goal 
is to help big 
business rather 
than promote the 
public interest 
When the fed- 
eral government 
disregards its 
civic duties, the 
result is media 
policies that serve 


airwave 
all, are п 


American 
le. With the 


Radio Act of 1912, which wa 
communications failur 

government agreed to y е radio spectrum, allo- 
cating licenses based о, ‚ investments and poten- 
tial contributions to Mb Interests." This arrangement 
delighted for-profitfoWcasters, who gained monopoly 
control over desig frequencies and had their sta- 
tions protected f hterference in exchange for mod- 


> Titanic's sinkin, 


mor Jur stations in a single market and 40 stations 
over Pris was meant to serve the public by promoting 
diy and locally engaged content. But the Telecom- 
m cations Act of 1996, the product of a $60 million 

bying effort by media and electronics corporations, 

ninated national caps and raised local caps to eight 

large markets. Companies that had complained the 
ndustry was collapsing changed their tune: Within two 
years 40 percent of the nation’s radio stations had been 
bought or sold, putting many of them in the hands of a 
few consolidators who dominate the airwaves. 

The change is audible everywhere. Local radio is an 
American tradition, renowned for broadcasting distinctive 
sounds that once made our hometowns feel like home. 
But by 2000, such corporations as Clear Channel, Cumu- 
lus and Infinity (now CBS Radio) had acquired hundreds 
of stations and replaced local talent with cookie-cutter 

content from syn- 
dicated shows. Lis- 
teners grew tired 
of homogenized 
programming 
and eventually 
turned off the 
radio. Advertisers 
followed suit. 
Now Clear Chan- 
nel leads a cadre 
of conglomer- 
ates trying to sell 
off stations at the 
same time as they 
try to win the 
right to buy more 
in profitable mar- 
kets. (In Novem- 
ber Clear Channel 
itself was sold for 
$18.7 billion.) 
It's hard to be- 
lieve anyone other 


ed in the aftermath of 


41 


42 


than large media companies benefits 
from their being allowed to buy more 
radio outlets. It’s equally difficult to 
identify the public benefits of eliminat- 
ing cross-ownership prohibitions, which 
help ensure diverse viewpoints in each 
city’s newspapers and radio and televi- 
sion stations. The Tribune Company, 
Gannett and other newspaper chains 
have lobbied aggressively to repeal these 
prohibitions, claiming both that the 
restrictions prevent them from compet- 
ing with cable companies such as Time 
Warner and Cox and that relaxed own- 
ership regulations will help revive their 
slumping businesses. 

It's true that newspaper stocks are 
down, paid circulation is falling and 
advertisers have found new ways to 
reach consumers. But the crisis of the 
newspaper business is greatly exag; 
ated, especially by media companies 
with a vested interest in winning the 
right to buy new properties, Consider 
the inconvenient truth that newspaper 
companies earn profit margins that 
dwarf those in other industries. While 
a typical Fortune 500 company oper- 
ates with profit margins near six per- 


cent of revenue, top newspaper chains 
have margins around 30 percent. Even 
“struggling” newspaper companies have 
profit margins in the high teens. 

We've all heard about the crisis at the 
Los Angeles Times, where Tribune fired 


so many journalists that the paper's own 
publisher and editor protested publicly 
and refused to cut more, only to be 


radio ownership, Christian broadcas 
an end around and set up nationgl 
own. How? They have latched of 
allows them to set up radio nf 
boxes known as FM translato 
repeaters, which a 
ownership limits. 
receive a signal and thei 
cast a boosted versior 
have historically used 
their coverage in 
hills or other ge 
But since the 
has allowed n 
casters to se 
via sate! 
rural h; 
Christial 
to fi 
Ca 

i e, and Don W 


to fill in 

as БҮ®скеа by 
ic features. 
990s the FCC 
mercial broad- 
nals to translators 
d not just behind 


atellitoi as some 


While government and commercial 


5 using small, cheap 


adcasters call them, are now being hoarded 
m de facto national networks. The Idaho-based 

Satellite Network has more than 400 stations, for 
Idmon’s American Family Radio has 
than 150. For Christian broadcasters it's a win-win 


forced out themselves. But we haven't 
heard that the Times continued to gen- 
erate 20 percent profit margins during 
its so-called crisis. We haven't heard 
that newspapers have better brand rec- 
ognition, more affluent customers and 
more popular (and potentially more 
lucrative) websites than their competi- 


tors in most local 
heard that the new 
erated nearly $5 
during 2005 
when comp, 
Knight Rid ee 
billions ој ars 
current E 
he inte 


industry gen- 


ion in revenue 
haven't heard that 


off newspapers, as 
last year, they go for 
Kevin Martin, the 
hairman, has already said 


o permit cross-ownership. 


CHk.soTIAN RADIO INVASION 


A battle over 


. quietly done 
ietworks on their 
FCC loophole that 


cost. A translator setu 


licenses are granted 
begun to resell them 


are up in arms about 


lator networks to normal ownership laws: 
trum should serve the public, not legally savvy churches. 


Taking a cue from mediis cu- 
tives, Martin insists the re 1on is 


unnecessary because the O" gives 
of news 


consumers unlimited 
and information. Ther lo doubt we 


can read hundredegf fgeign newspa- 
pérs and E e online, 
but the Internet guarantee origi 
nal and enterp journalism at the 
local level—t porting and inves- 
tigative wo can check state and 
corporat er. As the U.S. Third 
Circuit of Appeals wrote when 
it d FCC's attempt to allow 
cro ership in 2003, the Internet 
useful for finding restaurant 
s and concert schedules,” but 
doesn’t offer “the type of news and 
ffairs programming” public 
blicies should promote 

Sure, Americans disagree over 
whether the news from Fox or CNN 
is more accurate, and whether Bill 
O'Reilly and Tucker Carlson are more 
entertaining than Stephen Colbert 
and Jon Stewart. But who doesn't 
think what's available from local radio, 
television and newspapers is far worse 
today than before chains and conglom- 


lic- 


erates acquired them? As Free Press, 
the fast-growing organization leading 
national bipartisan campaign for media 
reform, puts it, “Who, other than the 
bosses of giant communications com- 


panies, wants more consolidation?” 


Klinenberg’s latest book is Fighting for Air 
The Battle to Control America’s Media 


situation: unregulated national presence at a minuscule 


up costs between $4,000 and $10,000, 


plus the fee to lease space on an antenna tower. (Translator 


1 for free, though speculators have 
n for as much as $50,000.) Take this 
aw-shucks description of American 
Family Radio's proliferation, from 
the network’s websit Remar! 
ably, with God's help, AFR has built 
more stations in a shorter period of 
time than any other broadcaster in 
the history of broadcasting. And 
here is some great news! By using 
the latest technology, the American 
Family Association has accom- 
plished all of this at an amazingly 
low cost. Typically, a single comme 

cial FM station in a large city will 


cost more than it cost AFR to construct those hundreds of 
stations across America.” No wonder local radio advocates 


the FCC's failure to subject FM trans- 
The radio spec- 


BELIEVE WEIRD THINGS 


A SKEPTIC LOOKS AT OUR GULLIBLE NATURE 


am not a psychic, but as a professional 
skeptic I sometimes play one on TV 
to expose the tricks used by peddlers 
of the paranormal to fleece the faithful. 
The most common ruse is known as cold 
reading, by which psychics reveal infor- 
mation about someone they have neve 
met. It isn’t difficult. Certain generali- 
ties apply to just about anyone (e.g., a 
scar on your knee, a white car in your 
past, a number two in your address). 
Combine a string of educated guesses 
with a friendly, confident patter, inquis 
itive looks and knowing nods—and no 
moral scruples—and you too can make 
a decent living as a psychic, astrologer, 
palm reader or tarot- 
card diviner. 
Because so many 
people are ready and 
eager to believe in 
the supernatural, it's 
easy to find customers. je 
According to a 2005 
Gallup poll, three quar- 
ters of U.S. adults are 
convinced of at least 
one paranormal phe- 
nomenon, including | 
41 percent convinced , 
of the reality of ESP, 32 
percent of ghosts, 31 
percent of mind read- 
ing, 26 percent of cla 
voyance and 25 percent 
of astrology. Spend 10 
minutes online and 
you can catalog many other highly 
tionable beliefs, such as that spa, 
landed at Roswell, New Mex 3 
earth was created less than 
ago, that the Holocaust neg 
and that the U.S. governm: 
9/11 to galvanize the count 
Why do so many / 
such weird things? 
First, all human: 
our nature. We ay 


pens 

t the 

curred 

chestrated 
war. 


cans believe 


atterns. That's 
tellers because it 
in a chaotic world. 


Owever, because it's not generally 
aw to believe rain gods can be 


By Michael Shermer 


to notemart@qmail.com for any further request 


FORUM 


WHY AMERICANS 


FROM AN EX- 
PLANATION in 
Detroit Free Press 
why the Troy, Michl 
city council dggied quor license to 
а proposedaji Sy he council shot 
down the el fecause, for some 
council 
members, 
the res- 
taurant's 
image is not one 
It to project along the Big 
orridor. 


appeased through ritual, we also inherited 
magical thinking. 

Second, as for widespread American cre- 
dulity, I am convinced our free market of be- 
liefs plays a role. We are more religious than 

uropeans, for example, because the separa- 
tion of church and state forces religions here ek M al андо speci 
to compete for customers through evang: Ka Bradenon police policy that allows 
lism. In a free society, beliefs are subject officers to seize money and property from 
the economic forces of supply and dem suspects without judicial oversight and 


B = xu 3 even if the person is not charged with 
with competition ratcheting up the inté а crime: “This В the problem with the 
of the come-on. Add to this the fact күчүнө TIER DENEAN ЧЕ, 
are the most scientifically advanc are Chuck Norris and can do whatever 
in the world and you get suc they want to do. They work for us, They 
Alina IAN should never forget that. 

wher 


А COMPLAINT by Ronald 5. 
ralnick, a Florida lawyer who special- 


FROM A STATEMENT by Wolfgang 
Kaleck, the German lawyer enlisted by 
a coalition of human rights groups to 


sue Donald Rumsfeld 
— 
ё. J 
6. 
é 


Pgrified into a 
© engineer. We 


4 
have a remarkable 

ty to pigeonhole 

© Belief aplomo 


for war crimes in 
German court, 

about his chance 
of success: “If not 
today in Germany, 


then Rums- 

tight compartments. feld will get 
‘Another paradox in problems 

the American psyche lc 

Е ES pain or the 

is that our lust for sta: next day in 
tus is balanced by an Sweden” 


egalitarian streak. Our 
belief in equal oppor- 
nslates into 
giving all ideas equal 
me. Weave in the de- 
constructionist obfus- 
cations coming out of 
academe that hold 
there are no privileged 
positions—no perspective superior to any 
other—and we are left conflating astronomy 
and astrology, chemistry and alchemy, 
physics and metaphysics, science and pseu- 
doscience, and sense and nonsense. 

Finally, there is the more quotidian fac- 
tor of our dismal public-education system, 
most notably in math and science. Although 
Americans have nabbed nearly half of all 
the scientific Nobel Prizes, the populace 
remains steeped in medieval thinking. We 
need to give people not just scientific facts 
but the ability to ask penetrating ques- 
tions. Skepticism is the art of questioning 
all claims, including skepticism, although 
you shouldn't take my word for it. 


FROM A POSTING at the online 
Space Review by Laura Woodmansee, 
author of the book Sex in Space: “I am 
amazed how many people in the United 
States are so intimidated by the word 
sex and are unwilling to discuss its 
consequences. It's not just my opinion 
that the possibilities of sex in space 
need more attention. This is the recom- 
mendation of a 2005 report from the 
U.S. National Academy of Sciences, 
Yet | have encountered all sorts of 
bizarre problems when bringing up the 
topic. Sex in Space was sold at NASA's 
Jet Propulsion Laboratory store for the 
first month after Apogee Books released 
the book. It was doing very well, so the 
store manager invited me to do a book 
signing. The trouble began as soon as a 
cheery book-signing announcement 
was e-mailed to all personnel at JPL, 
First, a liaison to the store а 
e-mailed an announce- 

ment to all person- 
nel—thousands of 

people at JPL—citing 
‘ethical reasons’ for the 
cancellation of the signing. 
Second, those involved 
ordered my Sex in Space 
books pulled from the 
store. Unfortunately, my 
experience with JPL isn't 
unique. My publishers 
(continued on page 45) 


Shermer is the publisher of Skeptic magazine and 
the author of Why Darwin Matters and Why 
People Believe Weird Things. 


43 


44 


READER RESPONSE 


TAKING ONE FOR THE TEAM 
While reading the November issue, I 
came across Radley Balko's article about 
the rising use of SWAT teams across the 
country (“Unreasonable Searches and Sei- 
zures"). I would like to know how many 
search warrants Balko has served. I am 
assuming none. Police officers have to 
make life-and-death decisions in seconds, 
and yes, unfortunate accidents occur. 
Articles like Balko's just make Americans 
that much less trusting of the good men 
and women in law enforcement. 
Douglas Carlson 
Dixon, Illinois 


As а SWAT sniper and PLAYBOY sub- 
scriber, I find the bullshit written by Balko 
interesting. I think he needs to get a grip 
on reality. We live in a society in which 
gangs and drugs have overrun our cities, 
and our moral decay is at its highest. 
Jason Christensen 
Rochester, Minnesota 


Balko complains about the shooting 
ofa man with a registered handgun and 
no violent past. Just because a person 
has no violent past doesn't mean he isn't 
up to no good. What about the dead 
police officer? What about his family? 
Ty Vance 
Niles, Michigan 


Lam in the police academy, and I 
don't think Balko's article gives all the 
facts. As with anything, mistakes will 
always be made. The point of these 
teams is to ensure the officers’ safety 
while they serve warrants for variou 


the lin 
we sl night. I think people should 
st so cynical about them. 
Brandon M. 
Longview, Texas 


Brandon M. hits on one of the basic 
problems with the current mentality of law 
enforcement when he says “the point of these 
teams is to ensure the officers’ safety.” Police 
work is—or is supposed to be—about society's 
safety; the safety of officers must never come 
at the expense of this mission. By definition, 
public service often means subsuming one’s 


ciety at large, and 
impressed with par- 
blic servants who carry 


ticular gravit 
a gun fora li 


mes is no less problematic 


innocent citizens because of 


a botche yess or some other act of negli- 
ge “CO foctrine of innocent until pro 

guilty the police do not decide on or dole 
out the punishment for crimes; we the people 
ugh our courts of li 
iglas Carlson's logic is flawed: We 
QUE. just as easily use it to counter his own 
argument by asking how many members of 
his family have been shot and killed in their 
beds because a SWAT team stormed the wrong 
house. We are assuming none. But more to the 


point, such accidents are not “unfortunate,” 


as Carlson would have it. They are unaccept- 
able. Anyone society empowers to use deadly 
force must be held to a higher standard, one 
with no margin for error. 

To Jason Christensen we would suggest that 
perhaps nothing is more emblematic of moral 
decay than our increasing willingness to use 
military tactics against members of our own 
society. Law enforcement's antagonistic view 
of the citizenry—and here we are thinking also 
of recent innovations in crowd control used 
against protesters—is disturbing 

We would like to remind Ty Vance that the 
officer he makes reference to would likely still 
be alive if his team had simply knocked on the 
door and identified themselves rather than 
storm that Prentiss, Mississippi home in the 


middle of the night. Many 


hiding Amer- 

icans would shoot 8 k questions later 
if their door were Mi n and their home 
re s. The safety 

mn, is not necessarily 


stormed by unidenty 


о your October report 
on y чы ters, two thirds of your 
CRE ban бу marnage 
BA boy Voter: A Special Report, 
). [find this number disturbing. 
to believe that only one third 
our readers have a sense of social 
Fucture and family values? 
Erik Pierce 
Anchorage, Alaska 
On the contrary, you are to recognize that a 
huge majority of our readers believes neither 
social structure nor family values are under- 
mined by one’s choices in the bedroom—a 
belief we strongly share 


I would suggest you expand the 
available responses to the November 
voter survey question “Of the following 
issues, which poses the greatest threat 
to Americ One of the choices should 
be “Lack of respect for the Constitu- 
tion.” To me, a general lack of respect 
for the Constitution poses the great- 
est threat to America. I see it among 
Republicans who apologize for torture 
and warrantless searches, and I also see 


Hackable voting machines worry readers. 


it among Democrats in my home state 
of Maryland who defend computerized 
and easily hackable voting machines. 
And of course both sides have voted to 
extend the Patriot Act. 
Douglas Maurer 
Washington, D.C. 


E-mail via the web at letters.playboy.com. Or 
write: 730 Fifth Avenue, New York, NY 10019. 


Cents and Sensibility 


WASHINGTON, D.C.—The federal government 
has released revised 2007 guidelines for 
the use of its approximately $50 million 
of abstinence-education funds. Shock- 
ingly, adults aged 19 to 29 are a new 
target group. “We wanted to remind 
states they could use these funds to tay 
get not only adolescents," explains Wat 
Horn, an assistant secretary oft 
Department of Health and Human 
vices. “The message is ‘It's better ti 
until you're married to bear or fa! 

dren.’ The only 100 percent effet 

of getting there is abstiner 

Brown, director of the Natiq 

to Prevent Teen Pregn: 
“The notion that the fe 
is supporting million: 
messages to people, 
about how to cond 
very divisive pol) 


isagrees. 


fe grown adults 
heir sex life is a 
пе says. 


Dick! 

BEAVER CREEK, COLORADO—Steven Howards was walk- 
ing his son to a piano class in this resort commu- 
nity when he saw Dick Cheney shaking hands 
and posing for pictures in a town square. The vice 
president, it turned out, was in town for an eco- 
nomic summit. Howards walked up to Cheney and 
said, “Your policies in Iraq are reprehensible,” then 
walked on. Minutes later Secret Service agent Virgil 
Reichle Jr. approached Howards and handcuffed 
him, saying he was under arrest for assaulting the 
vice president. Though the charges were evel 
ally reduced to harassment and then dropped 
Howards is suing Reichle for violations of I 


and Fourth Amendment rights in order tar; 


his legal fees and loss of reputation, arr Г 
things. “This is such an egregious atten, 1р- 
press freedom of speech,” says Howarg. 

+ 
Bear Market N 
WASHINGTON, D.C.—This past No} r the Army 
began a multimedia ad cam to debut its 


new slogan, “Army Strong.” 
effort is part of a new 

to cost $200 million 
news Congress set 


2007 Pentagon bi 
to designate a he “commemoration of 
fghanistan. 


Success" in Iraj 
Fountain Q.. 


rebranding 
rtising push set 
money. In similar 
20 million in the 
allow the president 


BRONSON, Fi@BIDA—Public libraries in Levy County 
are sud ing a severe shortage of volunteer 
wor the system instituted mandatory 
dru ting. Of 55 volunteers—mostly retirees 


betwéWy the ages of 60 and 85—just two have 


remained on the, 
library workers, 
urinate into а 


hce the county insisted 
other county employees, 
ithin hearing distance of a 
fal. “This is just a common- 
lained a volunteer. “Why are we 
money to test 75-year-old grand- 
marijuana? We should be using that 
цу More books and computers.” 


jouse Rock 
ом—Тһе music scene here is abuzz about 


tu феей unwarranted police violence during 


oncert by Two Gallants at Walter's, a local 
nue. “Oh my God, what just happened? Why 
did that happen?” wrote a 
poster to the band’s message 
board shortly after the Octo- 
ber 13 incident. Officer G.M. 
Rodriguez responded to a noise 
complaint; he claims he was 
assaulted. According to fans, 
Rodriguez unilaterally began 
physically intimidating the mu- 
sicians and crowd. In the ensu- 
ing melee a 14-year-old was 
Tasered into convulsions, musi- 
cal instruments were destroyed, 
many patrons were arrested, 
and a police helicopter was sent 
out to look for Two Gallants gui- 
tar player Adam Stephens, who 
had left the hall. Another poster wrote, “Mister 
brutality busted out the Taser, Tasering everyone 
in his short-armed range. | just moved to this 
town, but if this is what the HPD does for fun on 
a Friday night, | don't feel safe at all.” 


(continued from page 43) 
told me that all the о cen- 


ters, as well as seve; museums, 
are unwilling to сап Sepin Space. 
These are the game that stock 


and restock, 
are aimed 
Astronauts 


fer Ehud Olmert: “We in 
East have followed the 
policy in Iraq for a long time, 
ге very much impressed and 
ged by the stability that the 
leat operation of America in Iraq 
ught to the Middle East." 


FROM A HOMILY 
3. given by Cardinal Francis 
W George at Catholic 
Theological Union: "The 
world distrusts us not 
because we are rich 
and free. Many of 
us are not rich and 
some of us aren't especially free, 
They distrust us because we are 
deaf and blind, because too often we 
don't understand and make no effort 
to understand," 


FROM AN ARTICLE in Computer- 
world about the IT scandal enveloping 
health insurer Kaiser Permanente: 
"Say you walk into work on Monday 
morning to find a lengthy e-mail mes- 
sage. It's from a project supervisor, It's 
addressed to everyone in the company. 
It says a hugely expensive, mission- 
critical application is a failure that 
won't scale, is regularly down and is 
likely to cost lots of money and maybe 
even lives. And the message appears 
to back up those claims with financial, 
technical and historical detail. If you're 
a CIO, it's the sort of thing that prob- 
ably gives you a sick feeling in the pit 
of your stomach. If you work at Kaiser 
Permanente, it's what happened last 
week. And if you're the CIO at the not- 
for-profit heaith care giant, as Clifford 
Dodd was last Monday, it's the prelude 
to your departure—Dodd resigned 

the next day. Wait, it gets uglier. The 
Kaiser e-mail message didn't just claim 
that Kaiser's electronic medical-records 
system, HealthConnect, was a $3 billion 
failure. It also claimed that Dodd 
was a director for the company that 
had collected a $1 million consult- 

ing fee for recommending the product 
HealthConnect is based on.” 


FROM A SUGGESTION by 
Annemarie Jorritsma, mayor of 
Almere, a town in Holland, con- 
cerning Dutch troops serving in 
Iraq: “The army must consider 
ways its soldiers can let off 
steam. There was 

once the sug- 


gestion that a 
few prostitutes 
should accom- 


pany troops on 
missions. | think 
that is some- 
thing we should 
talk about.” 


45 


46 


FORL 


SEXUAL HYPOCRISY 


REPRESENTATIVE MARK FOLEY, CAUGHT WITH HIS PANTS DOWN, HAS LOTS OF CC ™ ANY 


1954: N is elected 
to the U.S. Senate as the antimiscege- 
nation candidate. In 1957 he speaks 
against the Civil Rights Act for 24 
hours straight. Only after his death is 
it confirmed that he fathered a daugh- 
ter in 1925 with his black maid. 
1980: a Republi- 
can congressman from Maryland and 
the original sponsor of a proposal to 
bar gays from holding teaching jobs or 
receiving public benefits, is charged 
with soliciting sex from a 16-year-old 
at a gay bar. “1 understand human 
weakness now better than ever,” he 
says while declining to discuss the 
“clinical details” of his “compulsion.” 
The charge is dropped after Bauman 
agrees to be treated for alcoholism, 
but his wife leaves him. 

1993: a Republican 
congressman from California who 
boasts a 100 percent rating from the 
Christian Coalition, is caught by police 
receiving a blow job from a prostitute 
in a parked car. “I was feeling intensely 
lonely” is his explanation. 

1996: a Republican 
congressman from Georgia, sponsors 
the Defense of Marriage Act, declar- 
ing that “the flames of self-centered 
morality are licking at the very foun- 
dations of our society, the family 
unit.” A few years later it is revealed 
that Barr has been sued by the sec- 
ond of his three wives for withhold- 
ing child support. She also claims her, 


for felony sexual battery after drunk- 
enly grabbing the ass of a woman 
in an Oklahoma City bar; he subse- 
quently decides not to run for reelec- 
tion and serves 30 days in jail. 

2004: who once wrote 
that “healthy sex is a combination of 
sensible behavior and sincere affec- 
tion,” is sued for sexual harassment by 


militantly pro-life ex paid for ng a 08 


have ап abortion іп 1983. 
1998: House auala Со 
tee Chairman 

nois, while vigorously pugs 
impeachment of Bill Clinton, 
rassed by revelations of 

year affair with a marri 

led to her divorce. He 
dalliance as a “you 

although he had 


ior, admits that she 
affair with a married 
а for God's forgiveness, 

and l'ye received it," she says. 
ЖАШ days after introducing 
hi пзе of Marriage Act in the 


а state legislature, state rep- 
sentative is arrested 


a former producer. She accuses him 
of making obscene phone calls during 
which he suggested she buy a vibra- 
tor and shared such sexual fantasies 
as “I'd be rubbing your big boobs and 
getting your nipples really hard...and 
then | would take the other hand with 
the falafel thing and I'd put it on your 
pussy.” After learning she taped the 
calls, O'Reilly settles out of court. 


AS Republi- 


N? who 

the military 

rry, is accused 
ivities by a web- 
have tapes of his 
ng hotline. Schrock 
ces his retirement 
ination. 


2004: ED S 
can congressman 


an anti- 
zealot whose website rails 
“abominations” such as homo- 
plity and premarital sex, admits 
radio talk show that he had sex 
With animals as a boy, stating, “When 
ou grow up on a farm in Georgia, your 
first girlfriend is a mule.” 
2005: A woman sues Republican con- 
gressman H a darling 
of the religious right, for $5.5 million, 
claiming he punched her repeatedly 
during their five-year relationship. 
In one incident, she says, she awoke 
in his bed when he began to pull her 
hair and choke her. The Pennsylvania 
congressman, who is married, met the 
woman at a Young Republican event. 
He admits to the affair but says he 
was always a gentleman. 
2005: JIM the mayor of Spo- 
kane, Washington, who as a state sen- 
ate leader supported bills banning gay 
marriage; barring homosexuals from 
working in schools, day care centers 
and other state agencies; and making 
“any touching of the sexual or other 
intimate parts of a person” between 
unmarried people under 19 a misde- 
meanor, is accused of sexually molest- 
ing two children when he was their 
Boy Scout leader (which he denies) 
and of having sex with men (which 
he admits). “My sexual orientation is 
nobody's business,” he says. 
2006: A gay man, Michael Forest 
Jones, accuses the president of the 
National Association of Evangelicals, 
of hiring him for sex 
and buying crystal meth. Haggard, 
who is married with five children, has 
been a strong supporter of laws ban- 
ning gay marriage. Haggard initially 
says he has never met Jones, then 
says a Denver hotel referred him to 
Jones for a massage, then concedes 
he bought the drugs but insists he 
threw them out, then admits “sexual 
immorality.” Jones says he went pub- 
lic to expose Haggard as a hypocrite. 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com for any further request. 


ano mn SIMON COWELL 


A candid conversation with American Idol’s most hated judge about 
singers, cultural snobs and what he really thinks of Ryan, Randy 


»-deaf 
Pau A 


Nasty, surly, bitchy, smarmy, loutish, imperi- 
ous, vain, vicious, loathsome, arrogant, smug, 
snide, obnoxious, rude and mean. Those are 
only some of the adjectives that have been 
applied to Simon Cowell during his reign as 
executioner on American Idol, which on Janu- 
ary 16 begins its sixth season on Fox. 

Cowell, 47, is the grandest prime-time villain 
since J.R. Ewing, overshadowing fellow Idol 
judges Randy Jackson and Paula Abdul and 
host Ryan Seacrest. With a lordly flair and a 
stagy British accent, he dismisses aspiring singers 
with a roll of his eyes or a lash of his tongue. 

He started his career in the mail room at 
EMI; his father, Eric, a prosperous executive, 
ran the company's property division. But the 
younger Cowell struggled in the music busi- 
and even went bankrupt. At the age of 30 
he returned home to live with his father and 
mother, Julie, who remains very close to her 
son, Cowell made his breakthrough by signing 
a deal with Robson & Jerome, a pair of British 
actors who had sung the Righteous Brothers hit 
“Unchained Melody” on a TV show but weren't 
interested in recording. Cowell persisted, tele- 
phoning the pair repeatedly, and their record 
became the top-selling British single of 1995. 

Soon he had cornered the market in shameless- 
ness and attained a lucrative position releasing 
novelty records; he signed the Mighty Morphin 
Power Rangers and the World Wrestling Fed- 


fe up to me and sing, and I say, 
‘Tha great. Thank you.’ They're like, Well, 
aren't you going to be rude to me?’ The spect 
me to be cruel to them—it's some sort of badge of 


honor. That's how crazy everything is. 


eration, including its most gruesome wrestler, 
the Undertaker. Most of his acts, including 
Curiosity Killed the Cat, 5ive and Sinitta, had 
only flashy, fleeting success, though he also 
signed Westlife, an Irish boy band that now has 
more U.K. number one hits than anyone except 
Elvis Presley and the Beatles. 

American Idol debuted inauspiciously in 


June 2002 as a summer replacement series 


on Fox, after the program had been rejected 
by ABC, NBC, CBS, the WB and UPN. The 
show was based on Pop Idol, which had pre- 
miered on TV in the U.K. the previous Octoby 
It was devised by Cowell—the only jud, 
appear on both programs—and Simon 
a Brit who had managed the Spice Girl 
time season one ended, with Kell 
victory, American Idol had an 
more than 26 million viewers 

The division of riches seen 


Fuller owned 
d the Idol win- 


ners’ careers. But in 
PU dE in a legg 


used him of stealing the 
- The lawsuit was settled, 


b 


“In TV, film and music there's a lot of snobbery, 
and I don't like it. Гое never been a cultural 
snob. If I don't like French food, that doesn't 
make me a lesser person. I don't have sophisti- 
cated tastes. I have average tastes.” 


herica's Got Talent 

with as many as 10 
into production. 
ributing Editor Rob 
ent two afternoons with 
ton's mouth 
orts. "One min- 

ng fruit, drinking tea or taking 
SwFombat migraines. The next he's 
‘instructions to his assistant—whom 
ddresses as ‘sweetheart,’ as he does most 
men—or he's on the phone, giving typically 
rong opinions: ‘It’s stupid, stupid, stupid. 
It’s just pathetic, in fact.’ 

“He's too cheeky and mischievous to really 
be a tyrant, but it doesn't look fun to be on the 
receiving end of a Cowell insult. He told me 
he gets ornery only when bored, so I did my 
best not to bore him.” 


(American Inven 

and Celebrity 

more program, 
PLAYBOY 


Tannenb, e 7 
Cowell in ndon office 
is al ion,” he 


ute 


PLAYBOY: Let's get to the heart ofthe mat- 
ter. Are you, Simon, an asshole 
COWELL: [Laughs] Well, I don't think Lam. 
But based on public opinion, yeah, Lam. 
If half the people think I'm an asshole, 
then I'm half an asshole. 

PLAYBOY: What does the other half think? 
COWELL: People say, “I like your honesty,” 
or “I like the fact that you're not politically 
со 7 To be truthful, I don't think I'm 
an asshole. To me, an asshole is someone 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY JAKE GAVIN 


“Do I prefer Kelly Clarkson’s music to Bob 


Dylan's? Yes. I don't believe the Dylans of this 
world would make American Idol a better show. 
That's no disrespect to Dylan. Good luck to you; 
you're very talented. Just not my thing.” 


47 


PLAYBOY 


48 


who pretends to be nice in public but is a 
complete monster behind the scenes. 
PLAYBOY: So you're no more of a monster 
in private than you are in public. 
COWELL: Funny enough, I’m quite polite 
in real life. I don't tolerate rudeness to 
people like waiters or stewardesses. 
PLAYBOY: You certainly don't seem polite 
on American Idol. 
COWELL: Well, if I tape an 11-hour day, 
guess which 20 minutes end up on the 
air. Not the bits when I’m pleasant but 
the parts when I'm obnoxious. 
PLAYBOY: When people see you in public, 
are they rude to you? 
COWELL: Normally they want me to be 
rude to them. People come up to me and 
sing, and I say, “That was great. Thank 
you.” And they're like, “Well, 
aren't you going to be rude 
to me?” No. “Well, can you be 
rude to me?" No! When I miss 
auditions, contestants get upset 
that I'm not there, because they 
expect me to be cruel to them— 
it's some sort of badge of honor. 
That's how crazy everything is. 
PLAYBOY: Maybe later we'll sing 
for you, and you can tell us 
what you think. 
COWELL: You really want to do 
that? You don’t really want to 
do that. 
PLAYBOY: Why not? 
COWELL: Because I've spent so 
much of my life sitting in talent 
meetings, thinking, What the hell 
am I going to say at the end of 
this? You know, about 15 years 
ago I was going to work with 
Eddie Murphy. He was inter- 
ested in making a record, so I 
flew to the East Coast, to his huge 
house, and I was very intimi- 
dated. I thought it would be just 
the two of us and a hi-fi. But I 
ended up in a recording studio 
with about 20 nodders; a nod- 
der is somebody who gets paid 
to agree with the person paying 
him. Eddie started to play some 
songs, which I hated, and I juste, 
didn't know what to say. Now I'd 
find it a lot easier. I would ju А, 
lou sing 


5 I hate it.” 
PLAYBOY: How's your voice? 
a little bit? 


COWELL: Absolutely Qe no. I'm 
what's called flat. 


PLAYBOY: But your T has said you 
have a great voice 
COWELL: [Laug/8 
I mean, she ki can't sing. 

PLAYBOY: Is 5а! a family trait? 
COWELL: If jm comfortable with some- 
body, Г yy being sarcastic and pok- 


fas being sarcastic. 


ing fi sign of affection. 
PLAY ‘ay, SO you can't sing, and you 
don’ duce records. 

COWELL: No. 


PLAYBOY: You don't play an instrument 
or write songs. Yet you've made a for- 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com for any further request. 


tune in the music business. What’s 
your specific talent? 

COWELL: That's a very good question, 
actually. My talent is for creating things 
the public will like. I'm an instigator. I 
come up with an idea, put it together 
and engineer the process creatively. 
PLAYBOY: Most music executives do that. 
What sets you apart? 

COWELL: An understanding of what a 
mass audience will enjoy. I get that. 
I would watch or listen to most of the 
things I create. I use my own taste as a 
benchmark. 

PLAYBOY: Do you think other executives 
get caught up in chasing music that's 
cool or innovative? 

COWELL: In TV, film and music there's a 


YA, > wouldn't want to date a strip- 
‚ °74 This is a girl who's comfortable 
taking her clothes off in public. 


lot of snobbery, and I don't like it. If I 
don't like French food, that doesn't make 
me a lesser person. 

PLAYBOY: So your taste is very mass-market. 
COWELL: I think so, yes. 

PLAYBOY: And that's not calculated. It's 
your natural taste. 

COWELL: Yeah, it’s my natural taste. 1 
mean, look, I'm 47 years old. You can't 
pretend to like caviar if you hate the 
taste of it. It's the same with what you 
listen to and watch. But I'm lucky I 
have very broad taste. 

PLAYBOY: Can you give us some examples? 

COWELL: If you looked in my collection of 
DVDs, you'd see Jaws and Star Wars. In 
the book library you'd see John Grisham 
and Sidney Sheldon. And if you look in 


my fridge, it's like children's food—chips, 
milk shakes, yogurt. I don't have sophis- 
ticated tastes. I have average tas 
PLAYBOY: So this is your asset i 
for talent: You have average 
COWELL: I think so. I’ve 
cultural snob. Like I sai, 
a French restaurant 
ably never will ag: uld ask the 
chef to make a пое: I look at 
those menus in utt or. I find them 
appalling—pigg е insides of ani- 
mals, all that wg uff. I can't stand it. 

o, n't like to try new 


ing 


een a 
went to 


fan of most things retro. 
‘antasy Island and The Jet- 
hat. If I were to buy three 
ums, they would probably be 
у Frank Sinatra, Bobby Darin 
and Tony Bennett. I work in a 
business in which you're sup- 
posed to create new things, but 
I have no problem saying I don't 
like much that is around me at 
the moment. 
PLAYBOY: How much of the 
music on /dol do you like? 
COWELL: Once a week I may enjoy 
one or two performances, at most. 
I'm not sitting there lapping it 
up like Paula Abdul. [laughs] I'm 
not saying, “God, aren't I lucky 
to be paid for listening to these 
wonderful singers?” 
PLAYBOY: In your autobiography 
you say, “I’m always right.” So 
we'll remind you of a few times 
you were wrong. You said Clay 
Aiken would have the longest 
career of any Idol performer. 
COWELL: That was when I knew 
a little less about Clay. What we 
saw on the show and what we 
see today are two slightly differ- 
ent people. I thought he could 
have had a career as long as 
Barry Manilow’s. 
PLAYBOY: What changed since 
you said that? 
COWELL: Oh, there’s been so much 
stuff in the tabloids about him. 
PLAYBOY: You mean rumors 
about his being gay? 
COWELL: Look, if someone's gay, who 
cares? I couldn't care less. The fact is, tab- 
loid coverage affects a large chunk of his 
fan base. When he was on the show, he 
was a very clean-cut guy, an underdog. 
That will always work for the middle- 
American audience. Now when you men- 
tion Clay, all that other stuff comes out, 
and that will affect his popularity. 
Р1АҮВОҮ: You also said that Tamyra 
Gray was a star. 
COWELL: I still think she is. 
PLAYBOY: Not as of today, she isn't. 
COWELL: She’s got an amazing voice. She 
put out a record that wasn't good enough. 
But if Tamyra had been given songs as 
good as Kelly Clarkson's, she'd be selling 
alotof records. (continued on page 133) 


S 


THIS PRODUCT : f 


1 IS NOT A SAFE 
\ ALTERNATIVE TO ¥ 


CIGARETTES zi DEPE e DA 


ITS iun NSIDE 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com for any further request. 


In THE FIRST OF а SERIES OF IN-DEPTH REPORTS оп THE SCIENCE OF таге sexuaLriTy, we 


TRACK a SPERM CELL апр ITS DELICATE PayLoaD, THE UNDERRATED Y CHROMOSOME, оп R 


FanTasTIC џоуасе TO make a man. you*LL NEVER LOOK aT YOUR BALLS THE same “san 


THE SEAUdaL 
PaRT опе 


+ 
n the time it tal 
testicles will 
the end of, 
lion more 


read this sentence, your 
produced 5,000 sperm. By 
age, another 100,000. A bil- 
in reserve. They hope to be 
side a vagina, but if no woman is 

ley will find a way out. Your brain 
fantasy in which the female doesn't 
erous with these fantasies. You can't 

f breeders like Fifth Avenue in Manhat- 
every woman in an instant as doable or, 
ms. as a means to push your genes into 
ition. If you could have a quickie with every 
‘ter without expending any effort besides catching 
‚ and she would bear your child without asking 
ck around (with the exception of a few playdates; 
t heartless) or pay for anything, how many kids 

you create? Moulay Ismail the Bloodthirsty, ruler of 
Morotco from 1672 to 1727, is the official record holder, with 


BY CHIP ROWE 


AN 


SÍ 


MALE 


at least 867. Because with as much grief as men get for our 
seemingly boundless sexual appetites, it’s not about getting 
off. We can do that on our own. At the most basic level it's 
about ego: There can never be too many versions of you. 

That biological truth drives the conveyor belt in your 
testicles. It also drives this article, the first of a series 
that will examine what scientists know about male sexual- 
ity. The sperm factory is a natural place to start because 
the tenacity of a single spermatozoon produced by your 
father's factory is (along with his seduction skills) the rea- 
son you exist. A man's sperm factory operates 24 hours a 
day, seven days a week, from about the third grade to as 
long as 48 hours after death. The genetic material packed 
into the head of the first sperm to penetrate an egg—the 
lone survivor in a sprint that resembles either the Bos- 
ton Marathon or Death Race 2000—determines whether 
an infant will be born with a penis or without (with a few 
notable and fascinating exceptions). 


51 


52 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com for any further rec 


е 5EmLaL Male 


The spermatozoon that created you, the quadrillions you 
will produce and those made by your sons constitute a broth- 
erhood. Each contains a nearly identical Y chromosome, the 
trigger that makes the man. We will ride these sperm for 
the first part of our journey. Saddle up. 


Not until the 17th century did anyone realize there are crit- 
ters swimming around in semen. According to one account, 
in 1677 a Dutch medical student named Johan Ham thought 
he had seen something in the discharge of a patient with 
gonorrhea. He took a sample to Antoni van Leeuwenhoek, 
a businessman who spent much of his free time peering 
through microscopes he had built. Leeuwenhoek continued 
the investigation with semen from healthy males, including 
his own. In a report to the Royal Society of London, he is 
careful to note that he gathered these specimens not by 
"sinfully defiling myself" but from the "residue of conjugal 
coitus." In 1679, after dissecting a hare, Leeuwenhoek con- 
cluded that sperm originate in the testicles. 

Each sperm takes 10 weeks to make. The process starts 
with a group of stem cells created during the first few 
weeks of your existence. Numbering only in the tens of thou- 


sands—fewer than you'd find in a drop of blood—the cells 
march through your gut and pitch camp in your testes (which 
have yet to descend). These starter cells will always remain 
outsiders. If your body didn't set up a barrier between your 
blood and sperm, white blood cells would attack them as 
they would a common infection. As scientists are discover- 
ing, sperm stem cells, also known as the germ line, have 
amazing properties. First, they are essentially ageless. Whe; 

other cells divide, the chromosomes inside them that cam 

your DNA fray а little. But in the germ line, enzymes г 
these wounds. Second, experiments with mice have 


that when stem cells from the testicles are placed wi 
from the heart, brain or skin, they grow to become 
cells. This suggests that doctors may someday, 
harvest your germ line to cure you of diabetes, 
injuries or any number of other maladies. 

Your germ line divides about 30 time: 
puberty, when the testicles begin to pump 
that the stem cells must split every 16 
a wonder smoke doesn't rise from y) 
you hit the age of 30 your germ line, 
by 50 it has divided 840 times. (B' 
that creates a woman's eggs div; 
all before she is born.) The 
splits create more opportuni! 
disorders, including dwarfig 
associated with older fat! leading the American Society 
for Reproductive Medicine ecommend that anonymous 
sperm donors be youngsithan 40. Not that mutations are all 
bad. “Men are the soi most of the errors that provide 
the raw material tic change.” says biologist Steve 
Jones, author of Descent of Men. “Some are harmful, 
but others dog d are soon picked up by natural selec- 
tion. A lot of n takes place in the male line.” 

Before it dy to be ejaculated, a sperm must go 
through a li training camp. This occurs in the epididy- 
mis, a tightly coiled tube clumped along the back of each 
testicl etched out, it can measure as long as 20 feet. 
Неге @eager young bucks—hungry for adventure but so 
n rn to swim and are briefed on how to penetrate an 
eg е assembly line continues outside the testes in the 
16-inch-long vas deferens. which is more of a straightaway 
and is what a doctor snips if you have a vasectomy. It loops 


il-cord 


ast, the germ line 
nly two dozen times, 
15, these hundreds of 
r mutations: At least 20 
schizophrenia, have been 


chsperm щщ 


тне Male PILL 


Researchers have long pursued a reliable method for 
temporarily shutting down sperm without too many 
nasty side effects. An approach that's had some suc- 
cess is to give men excess testosterone, which fools 
the brain into thinking enough sperm are already 
being produced. Another technique, reversible inhi- 
bition of sperm under guidance, involves inserting 
a gel into the vas deferens that makes the heads of 
passing sperm rupture. Scientists are also seeking 
ways to bring methods that have worked in animals 
to humans, including disabling a protein that gives 
sperm the power to sway their tails (works in rams), 
using a drug called Adjudin to interfere with germ 
cells (works in rats) or injecting eppin, a protein 
found only in the testicles, into the blood to elicit 
an immune-system response that appears to keep 
sperm stuck inside the semen [works in monkeys). 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com for any further request. 


over the bladder and continues as the 
ejaculatory duct, which empties onto 
the flight deck of the urethra. 

As a guy becomes aroused, hundreds 
of millions of sperm are pushed through 
this double set of tubes. As they leave 
the vas deferens, the sperm are mixed 
with semen produced by the prostate 
gland and seminal vesicles. This versa- 
tile substance will carry them toward 
the light, keep them from being burned 
alive in vaginal acid and fit each with the 
equivalent of a hooded sweatshirt so 
they can slip past the woman's immune 
system. At the same time, glands release 
two or three drops of mucus that lubri- 
cate the inside of the urethra. Although 
this precome has been used to explain 
an untold number of pregnancies (“But 
I pulled out”), several studies suggest 
it doesn't contain sperm. The pressure 
builds to the point of what scientists call 
ejaculatory inevitability—the moment, 
often verbalized, when you know you're 
about to come. The mixture leaves at 
the speed of a city bus, propelled by 
what one study recorded as eight to 33 
rapid-fire shivers, the pattern of which 
appears to be unique in every man—an 
orgasmic fingerprint. The amount of 
fluid ejaculated, on average, would fill 
most of a teaspoon, if you had that sort 
of aim. If not collected in a condom, the 
globs splat against the woman's cervix, 
then puddle on the floor of her vagina. 
Thanks to the adventurous producers 
of The Human Animal, a BBC series, 
this event has been videotaped—the 
most penetrating porno ever made. The 
Brits attached a flexible, pen-size cam- 
era to the underside of a man’s erec- 


wife. The footage revealed that as a gat 
thrusts, the cervix stretches so that 
in position to dip into the pool of si 
Biologist Robin Baker compares, 

an elephant lowering its tr 
watering hole. Once contact 15, 


tion before he had intercourse with K 


the uterus, a rope climb 
place inside millions of 
very moment. After 
cervix pulls up, leavint 


minutes the 
Ч a pool that 


to as flow back, 

Those spegm\ 

ble odds, especially 
productive tract isn't 
accepting v 's, which is most of the 
time. Yejfthe journey is essential; if you 
mix fre jaculated sperm with an egg. 
thi nore each other. Those sperm 
ige to negotiate the cervix and 
t se the uterus arrive at one of the 
two dviducts, or fallopian tubes, where 
they receive a burst of energy and a 


SPERM шакы 


DID you CHOOSE HER, OR DID SHE CHOOS 


ost females are sluts. Biologists don't use that wor 
but studies of various species over the past few de: 
the notion that females are passive creatures who‘ 
nated by an aggressive male. By practicing poly; 
females are able to get the best possible genes for their. 
nity studies, biologists have documented sperm со! 
and, most recently, mammals. The second or third 
becomes the father, a phenomenon known as “las 
To counter female promiscuity, a male has two с! 
sperm or stay close to his mate to discourage 
fuck as many females as they can while preve] 
males, and females fuck as many males as they 
he's the only one. Fulfilling your biological 
exactly when your partner is fertile. When 
swells and turns as red as a bull's-eye. Bu 
menstrual cycles vary, lasting anywhere, 
making it hard for men even to guess, 
Some scientists believe that m 
as a countermeasure, subconscik 
regulate the quantity and qual 
their sperm with amazing pr: 
based on how long it has 
they last had sex with a sp; 
ner and the chances that 
gained access. A 2005 sj 
we respond quickly to, 
petition. Australian sc 


"many males") 
ing. Using pater- 
Bion in insects, birds 
leave a deposit often 

t out." 
leposit more and better 
s. In other words, males 
e Females from fucking other 
le trying to convince each that 
much less energy if you know 
is in heat, for instance, her vulva 
men provide no such clue, and their 
to 42 days (the average is 28 days), 


r suitor 

ts that 

led com- 
ists divided 


cup while looking at 
controlling for lifestyle 
searchers found that par- 
looked at the woman with 


ulation methods may include Sperm navigate the cervix, a Journey 


e ng from changes in the NUM- that t 
à ypically takes 10 minutes. Its 
e Gase U ner cells produce an acidic mucus that 


, squirrels, porcupines, pigs, deer, whales, elephants and monkeys all shed sperm. 
hether men need to isn't as well established, but it's as fine an excuse as any. 

It's clear that the ejaculate of two or more men can survive at the same time 
inside a woman and that the man who thinks he is the father of a child isn't 
always responsible. DNA testing has made this more evident now than at any. 
other time in history. In extreme cases fraternal twins have different dads. (This 
is most obvious when the men are of different races.) What's much less certain 
is whether sperm competition has had any effect on human evolution. Robin 
Baker is convinced it has. "This warfare between ejaculates, or the threat of it, has 
shaped the sexuality of every man and woman alive today," he asserts in his 1996 
best-seller, Sperm Wars. Baker proposes that competition has even led sperm 
to develop a mean streak. After studying hundreds of semen samples, he and 
fellow biologist Mark Bellis concluded that the large majority of human sperm 
are kamikazes whose only function is to poison sperm deposited by other males. 
Another, smaller legion are blockers. They trail the elite egg getters, swim as far 
as they can and die, blocking the path for any man who comes later. 

Critics practically foam at the mouth when dissecting Baker and Bellis's 
action-packed script. They note that the most promiscuous primates (chimps) 
have the most uniform sperm, though you would expect they would need more 
misshapen blockers and killers than gorillas or humans, who are more faithful 
to their mates. What Baker and Bellis see as specialized sperm may simply be 
the large percentage of rejects that results when you're making something as 
delicate as a DNA missile. Rather than a battle, it's more likely a simple race: 
The male who deposits the most sperm has the advantage, and the way you 
produce more sperm is to grow bigger balls. As testicles go, ours are relatively 
small, suggesting that we trend toward one mate at a time. In fact, humans are 
among the most inefficient sperm producers in the world. A man makes about 
the same amount of sperm as a hamster, whose testicles are 10 times smaller. 53 


frequently enough to keep younger, 
o eod Rats doge Picks off the weakest of the bunch. 
е, 


54 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com for any further request. 


Бенша MALE 


stamp on the hand that allow them a shot at life. In 1963 sci- 
entists figured out how to mimic these chemical changes well 
enough to cornbine the egg and sperm of a hamster in a petri 
dish. This discovery led 15 years later to the first test-tube 
baby, Louise Brown, and since then more than 3 million children 
have been conceived through in vitro fertilization. 

The success of IVF has had interesting consequences. One is 
the phenomenon of inherited infertility, in which a sterile man 
passes along his damaged Y chromosome to his sons, who are 
born sterile. Another is much older mothers. In 1996 scientists 
combined the sperm of a 57-year-old California man with a donor 
egg to impregnate his 63-year-old wife. In 2005 a 66-year-old 
Romanian woman, after nine years of hormone treatments, 
broke that record. However, both the sperm and egg came from 
anonymous donors, leading sticklers to consider her only the 
oldest surrogate. A more recent development in baby making 
without sex is intracytoplasmic sperm injection, in which scien- 
tists select a sperm from the testes and shoot it into the center 
of an egg. The technique has been controversial because no one 
knows if that particular sperm would have made it to the egg on 
its own. It may be the village idiot. But the oldest ICSI children 
are now 16, and so far scientists haven't found any mutants. 


TAKING THE PLUNGE ING BOYS 


Once the most robust sperm have gathered at the oviducts FAVORITES WITH THE шеакев sex 


they apparently wait to be called to the egg—or eggs, in the 
case of fraternal twins or triplets—which at a hulking .004 i AE ne 


inches wide is the largest cell in the female body. Studies sug- females, but fewer survive, so the natural gen- 
gest that only a small percentage of the sperm are capable of der ratio at birth hovers around one to one. 
O: 


receiving this beacon, which sends their tails into overdrive; cientists have long wondered what forces could cause 
one group is called forward, then the next, then the next, lik; hat ratio to shift. Do women manipulate sperm or 
a graduation ceremony. These overachievers surround the, reject embryos to produce more sons in times of plenty 
like a crowd of suitors on ladies’ night, looking for an opel and more daughters in times of want, since females 
while the egg asks a few basic questions, such as “Ay are more likely to live past puberty and will have an 
o | атое ааа еа ааньна са 
tight for а day or so before disintegrating. But it's ney PY of studies that looked at births in Kobe after the 1995 
about being made to wait. Research suggests tha an is earthquake and in New York after the 9/11 attacks found 
more likely to get pregnant if the sperm arrive f the gender ratio skewed toward females. Trauma may 


If the timing is right (or wrong, depending on your perspec- prompt pregnant women to produce excess cortisol, 
tive), a single sperm breaks through the jembrane. which cripples the typically weaker male embryos. 
Instantly the egg shuts down. Nature has по r a tie. The Some biologists suspect a pitched battle of the sexes 
loser sperm continue to jockey for positi Irunk on egg may even be playing out at the cellular level. Because 


females contribute the mitochondrial DNA that powers 
the tails of sperm, women seem to have the upper hand: 
His Ба зех ОР ӨЛЕ, despite havi When a mother transmits damaged mtDNA to а male child, 
[it can be seen floating around in thi Its head melted and it sabatágas his ability o reprodúss. 

its tightly packed payload unravele, Is necessary so the 23 Since nature sometimes disappoints expectant parents, 
chromosomes containing your H¿ ys genes can combine with gaming the system has become a big business. Sperm car- 
the nucleus of the egg and its 2 Imosomes containing your ruing a Y chromosome are thought to be faster but less 
mother's genes. The DNA рг, by your parents differs by durable. That's why Dr. Landrum Shettles, co-author of 
a tenth of a percent, which, es the gap between you and How to Choose the Sex of Your Baby, suggests that a man 
any other human. At the mo they fuse, which occurs within who wants a son should deposit his sperm as close to 
about 20 hours ENS breaks through, the genetic the cervix as possible. Researchers have also attempted 


juice to realize the party is over. Insidgyt 


data that make you ti fof your parents—your height, skin, to spin sperm in centrifuges in hopes of separating Y 


1 ‘dwheth n sperm from the denser X sperm, which supposedly sink. 
era cole NESE POI. PES O YOUN BIR For people who qualify for an ongoing clinical trial, the 


your hair—is set. now one cell old and untike any other Genetics & IUF Institute in Fairfax, Virginia offers a 
being who hag ei nsted or ever will $4,000 separation technique it promotes as useful for 
“family balancing”: A fluorescent dye makes Y sperm glow 

не WEIRD y green, though three quarters of the institute's clients 

The answer е question of man is the Y. If the head of request the pink Ms to make girls. That is hardly the 
the firsißsperm to reach the egg contains a Y chromo- trend elsewhere in the world. Many Chinese parents, told 


they can have only one child, abort females; political 
scientists have warned of the possibility of a Chinese 
army of 30 million single men by 2020. In India one sur- 
vey of clinics found that 7,997 of 8,888 aborted fetuses 
had been female. Researchers estimate that more than 
Top right: It's easy to see how dinky the Y [right] is next to 10 million fetuses have been destroyed there in the 
the X when the shaggy dogs are magnified 10,000 times. past two decades because they weren't male. 


some, an X supplied by the mother to create a male: 
XY Jf an X, the fetus willbe (continued on page 130) 


“Watch it, men! This may be a trick!” 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com for any further request. 


DON'T SAY “SIR” TO THIS 
DRILL INSTRUCTOR 


56 


TOUGH LOVE’ 


eautiful, sweet and bubbly 

as Michelle Manhart is, 

you really don't want to 
cross her. For one thing, she is 
skilled in the use of military- 
grade weaponry. (Those are! 
toy props you see here.) Fg 
another, she yells at people 


this 30-year-old Califo] 
stunner with a catw: 


physica,gighting shape. “We 
screal тп from the second 
reveil nds until the moment 
tl sleep,” Michelle says 
o recruits. "It's kind of like 
Full Metal Jacket. And by that I 
mean it's awesome!" 


ZUNO 


S 


You're not likely to see many 
drill instructors this beautiful— 
or this nude. Does Michelle 
think her pictorial will land her 
in hot water with Uncle Sam? 
“I'm just so proud to serve my 
country," she says. “| served 
in the Middle East. I've been 
serving for 13 years, fight- 
ing for everyone's rights. Why 
wouldn't | be able to stand up 
for my own rights and partici- 
pate in the freedoms that make 
this country what it is?" 

You might say the military is 
a family tradition for Michelle. 
Her stepfather was a marine, 
and her husband and brother 


“Since | was 12 years old | have 
dreamed of being in PLAYBOY," says 
California-born Michelle Manhart, 
an Air Force drill sergeant. We are 
more than happy to oblige. 


See more of Michelle at eyber.playboy.com 
0 


are Air Force men. Currently assigned to 
Lackland Air Force Base in San Апіспі 
Texas, she a 

job. But stil 


herself outside the barracl 
goal is to be in the enter 
try,” she tells us. Clearly s 6 
of assets Hollywood demane? 
Rest assured, this ^ 
promises not to giv: earful if you 
meet her in a eng Тата com- 
pletely different р utside of work," 
she says, gigglii ving spent quality 
time with һе! est to that. Michelle 
has a natural, у and ease in front of 
the camer; anything but rough- 
edged. ‘4 felt comfortable in my 
| think the female body 
ost beautiful things in the 
couldn't agree more. 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com for any further request. 


FICTION | | 
BY O 


Denis 
Johnson 


CAN A MAN PLAGUED 
BY DEMONS WAITE 
HIS WAY OUT 

OF HELL? 


ear Jennifer Johnston, 
Well, to catch you up on things. he last 
four years have really kicked my ass. | 
try to get back to that point | was at in 
the fifth grade where you sent me a note 
with a heart on it that said, "Dear Mar, ' ,eally like 
you" and | turned that note over e^ w ote on the 
back of it, "Do you like me or lc ^ ine?" and you 
made me a new note with 20 ba. *s on it and sent 
it back down the aisles and « - id, “I love you! I 
love you! | love you! | love ус 1! ` would count there 
to be about 15 or 16 hoo! ` i. my belly with lines 
heading off into the han^': o! people | haven't seen 
since a long time back, ~ ‘a that's one of them. But 
just to catch you up. In * e last five years I've been 
arrested about eigF* times, shot twice, not twice 
on one occasion і tt once on two different occa- 
sions, etc. etc. г, ` | think | got run over once but 
I don't even rec Бег it. I've loved a couple thou- 
sand women , ut ı think you're number one on the 
list. That's au ^^Iks, over and out. 
Cass (in ‘ft! grade you used to call me Mark—full 
name Merk Cassandra) 
P.S. V, “еге, you might ask, am I? Funny that you 


12 77 (ATION BY DAVE MCKEAN 


asked. After all those adventures I'm at an undis- 
closed location right back here once again in Ukiah, 
the Armpit of Northern California. 

Cass 


Dear old buddy and beloved sponsor Bob, 

Now hear the latest from the Starlight Addiction 
Recovery Center on Idaho Avenue, in its glory days 
better known as the Starlight Motel. | believe you might 
have holed up here once or twice. Yes | believe you 
might have laid up drunk in room 8, this very one I'm 
sitting in at this desk writing this letter, which is one of 
the few I'll actually be mailing, because | need a few 
things that are in that box in your closet, anyway | 
hope they're still there. | think there's a pair of jeans 
and I think there's a few pairs of socks, and in fact if 
you would just bring the whole box. If you did that you 
would increase my holdings between 600 and 700 
percent. I'm down to one of everything except for two 
of these socks, which are both white, but they're not 
the same brand. My good old boots collapsed but I 
have been given an excellent pair of secondhand run- 
ning shoes here, but | am writing to tell you this—that 
| am not running anywhere, | am standing my ground, 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com for any further request. 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com for any further request. 


I'm sitting here in this room writing letters to everybody | know. I've got about 


a dozen hooks in my heart, I'm following the lines back to where the 


64 


| intend to do the deal and here's why—because the 
last four years have positively kicked my ass. In the last 
four years | have been shot, jailed, declared insane, 
etc...and even though I'm just 32 years old I'm the only 
person I've ever met who's actually ever been in a 
coma. | have repeatedly been told by medical people 
who probably know what they're talking about, “You 
are lucky to be alive” and “Nobody around here has 
any idea why you aren't dead.” 

Wow, | think | just took a nap. They've got us on 
Antabuse here and sometimes, blip, you just fade out 
and dream. In a few days that’s supposed to pass. 

They won't let me call you but I'm pretty sure they'll 
let you come to Family Group, which is on Sunday, two 
to four. Before | mail this | will check if it's okay for you 
to come. I'd sure like it if you did. | wouldn't mind see- 
ing a friendly face in the circle there. 

I'm not the type to trudge along, l'm the type to come 
shooting off the block, get 20 yards ahead of everybody 
else and go stumbling and sprawling off onto the side- 
lines with a collapsed lung. And pretty soon | hear the 
others, here they come, | hear them trudging steadily 
along on their Road to Happy Destiny. 

Гуе got to have somebody reminding me to stay in 
my lane and take it easy, that's where my buddy Bob 
C comes in, he's my sponsor in the AA, but the thing 
about your sponsor is you've got to call him. | don't 
like to call him. He's always got something wise and 
reasonable to say. 

So if he turned up with my box of stuff and two cents 


Cass 


of input for the Family Group discussion, what a Oe 


Dear old Dad and dear Grandma, 

I'm sitting here in this room at this desk at th: - 
light Addiction Recovery Center writing O to 
everybody | know. I've got about a dozen h 
heart, I'm following the lines back to whet у go, 
| hope somebody up there knows I'm sincere about 
this, | could certainly use a little help, might as 
well announce right here that I'm n 
on my knees, because I've never bi 
if your pal Jesus is waiting агоц, 


me to do something like that е comes down 
off the cross, I'd say he can ql iting. Damn this 
place and everybody in it, | | have just about 
had it with rehabilitation, ig is group therapy 
has just made the kinks in ind all that tighter, it's 
basically a circle of terr bullshitters kissing this 
guy's ass named Jerry, "re late to a session they 


lock you out, late toa s а session you're expelled 
back on the IB let's all just step one step 


back and take a 1 the fact that | was never in 
the Army beca 'annot stand exactly that kind 
of discipline. О) . Lam just pissed off, and that's 
about it. | hav pend two hours every single night 


in this roo! is desk considering these hooks in 
my heart iting down my life history, which we 
each gou he two-week point and read to them, 
read to,Mil the others, sit there in a chair, read your 
histor е downfall of your pitiful self to a circle of 
ghgst ау Or May not get around to doing it. Right 


гу Just filling a notebook with jazz, waiting for 
m: ndwriting to improve itself. Like | say though—l 
am | am | am sincere. | am sincere. Here's some pretty 
good evidence—this is my third time in rehab but my 


first time to make it past four days. I’ve 9 
locked and | am staying on this one fo; 


money against me, because if so 


walking home broke. Excuse the s , Grandma. 
Well, Grandma, that was entertaii at you pulled 
in Family Group last Sunday bu lous. Come on 


back sometime but keep a lid 

I'm through being the one 
each other. | know how in yi 
of us is the runt from a li 
extra feeding and we'll 
of times it adds up to 
is pretty impressive, 


'es it's like every one 
niuses, we just need 
“But the total number 
e jail has clanged on us 
a, those are the statistics, 
. Whatever these people in 
Ip me | think we should pause 
locked to hear myself say that, 
rs my habits have dragged me 
me pretty rough ground and now 


| thought yi еге listening at the Family Day group 
session lay but I'm sorry, it turned out you were 
more lil g in wait to pounce like a slobbering cou- 
gar on Jerry, who | happen to despise, but he's the 


and sober three years while meanwhile I'm 
runk not a week ago. I've just got nothing left 
say. 1 get around a mirror and it isn't pretty. 
jean to say you can't just wipe at my snot and 
С" mea ѕпо-сопе. | don't need grandmotherly help, 
feed trained and certified counselors to point a few 
ings out. And | can't have my grandma at Family 
Group red-dogging the whole discussion and preach- 
ing about Jesus Christ and Satan, or anyway the last 
30 minutes of a two-hour group, that's how much time 
you took up jiving on heaven and hell, thanks a mil- 
lion. Luckily Jerry has a sense of humor. Thank you for 
representing the Cassandra family in a most stand-out 
way. | am not surrounded by demons here. These are 
trained and certified counselors. 

1 am through explaining this family to each other. 
It's g-damn ridiculous is what it is. | guess | can swear 
here as you won't be receiving this as | won't be send- 
ing it. Do you remember when the Starlight was a 
motel? | remember when it was a motel and whores 
used to sit out on the bench at the bus stop across 
the street, really miserable gals with blotchy skin and 
dents in their head who'd been run out of San Fran- 
cisco, you have to be pretty down on your luck to get 
knocked off the market in the Tenderloin. | mean you 
wouldn't cross the street for them, but | guess once in 
a while some desperate character from one of these 
rooms in the Starlight would make the journey. Do you 
know what? I've had one or two minutes here when | 
might've done it myself. But no more whores, the bus- 
stop benches are empty. As far as | know the benches 
aren't even there anymore. | don't think the bus runs 
past here no more. 

| mean this is not a family to get their coat of arms tat- 
tooed on your chest. Do you remember when Bro broke 
his girlfriend's nose in the living room and said, “There, | 
rest my case.” Do you remember when Dad scooped his 
hand down in his soggy cereal and just sat there star- 
ing at nothing for about 22 minutes with a glop of it in 
his hand? Do you remember when John got his picture 
in the papers in Dallas being (continued on page 120) 


“You didn't care much for my flowers, card and candy, so I'm glad 
I finally found something you like!” 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com for any further request. 


ELEMENTS OF © 


E DUC 


Frigid February can be the hottest month of the year—if you know E ox 


candy and a greeting card are not enough. Here's our guide g her smile 


doing. Flowers, 


Scenes is not about candlelight and violins. Seduc- is in how you reveg urself and how you seek her out. 
tion is not about winning. And seduction has nothing Above all else, tri uction is mutual—a shared experi 
at all to do with deception. Hell, when you get down to it, ence of phy mental pleasure. Over the next few 
seduction really isn't even about sex. It’s about creati pages you'll Bme time-tested, field-proven ways to 
the right mood, the right music, the right words, the create unfo у? у romantic evenings, days or decades. 
feelings, allowing the two (or three or four) of you tc We aim le help you conquer in bars than we do to 
each other to the fullest, to be carried away, to feel truly, help ус he object of your affection heighten your 
blazingly alive. It can involve Mozart, or it can finest hts. It starts with a cocktail to break the ice. 
the Ramones. It can take place on a Venetian gondola or | slip into something more comfortable, with 
in those awfully uncomfortable seats Timberwolves ‚ naturally. Finally you'll sweep her off her feet— 
game. It can wear a cummerbund and bow tie, or it can the most romantic places in the world. Let us 
show up in running shoes with paper cups of cofl ; you know where to find us. 


ONS О Е L o v E 


+= 


Sidecar ? ? Brandy Alexander Ф Little Flame ? Daisy Duke 


The brunette one, not 

the blonde, 

Shake well with ice: 

+1202. good bourbon 
«1202. Grand Marnier 

4 Angostura bitters 
Strain into je chilled 
cocktail glass, top off with 
cold champagne 


The sidecar made its American 
debut during Prohibition, when 
girls first shed their corsets 
ntages 
оде We 


Shake well with plenty of 
cracked ice: 
"Тугог. VSOP-grade g 
3/4 oz. Cointreau in 
ШАД АЕ С lime juice 
ained lemon juice 


»1 tsp. impor 


Pour througl alner into a Pour unstrained int Strain into a tall chill 


chilled cy iat has had top off with cold ginge 


1 maraschin 
i then dipped in and a straw. To 


PHOTOGRAPHY EY GU 


RGENTINI 


AEE SS: 
WEE o hf 
NOTHING: 


If there's one gift that whis 
intimacy, it’ 
age: Her wai 


С lle from 


ars them well, wo 


n top left: bu 


($95) by Myla; ti 
$42) by Wo 1 
5,700) is by Ba 


WHERE AND HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 147 


70 


EXIEST 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com for any further request. 


PLACES 


IN NORTH AMER 


THE KILLER VIEW 
Setting may be the most important 
element of seduction. The view from 
the Post Ranch Inn (above) in Big Sur 
California speaks for itself. A night (or 
several) spent 1,200 feet above the 
crashing waves of the Pacific will unwind 
even the tightest of muscles. The infinity 
pool rivals any on earth for sheer wow 
factor. For the utmost privacy, book the 
detached Ocean House. (Ocean views, 
from $985 a night; Ocean House, $1,385 
a night; postranchinn.com) 


THE RIDE 
Nothing is hotter than a woman who 
wants it now—in the car. Your place is 
too far away. Pull over! For backseats, 
our top pick goes to the Audi ABL wig, 
Vast, swathed in your choice of luxuri 
trim (no pun intended), with a 14-spea! 
Bang & Olufsen system, a rear-seat fy 

for the champagne and a sunroag, 

in the moon... High school was 
this, (From $119,350, audi.com) 


THE BED 
Imagine the fun you have in the 
totally private “floati " pictured 
here, at the 
One & Only 
Palmilla 
resort in 
Los Cabos 
Mexico. The 
mattress 
and pillows 


yours for the day; nothing 
у ы erruot you but dolphins frol- 
icking'in the surf. The butler, reachable 
by cell phone, will fulfill any needs 


you can't. (Beds, $300 a d 
front rooms from $4 
oneandonlyresorts.con‘ 


THE DANCE FLOOR 

Sex aside, nothing di 
bed abilities like 
double for sal; 
ward at Sant 
new spot. Ty 


6, and that goes 
four best foot for- 
mi Beach's hottest 

use band throws down 
ree nights a week, and 
from there. Thursday night 
Beautiful bodies shaking 
k speed—iay caramba! (430 
Lincoln Road, santomiamibeach.com) 


NDER THE STARS 

Ghostbar on the 55th floor of 
е Palms in Vegas (pictured), you're 
the tops, lit- 
erally. You 
are stand- 
ing on the 
roof of Sin 
City, looking 
down. What 
woman 
wouldn't feel the bud of romance blos- 
som amid such opulence? (palms.com) 


THE FOOD 

While the work of a great chef is an 
effective aphrodisiac, you and your 
lovely cant get naked in a four-star din- 
ing room. An alternative: Book a room at 
the Trump International Hotel & Tower off 
New York's Central Park and order room 
service. The food comes from the kitchen 
of Jean Georges, one of the world's most 
acclaimed eateries. Start with the bluefin 
tuna tartare, then try the steamed lob- 
ster with citrus emulsion (for her) and 


the soy-garlic charred sil 
You can even have aglıef 
Don't worry—he'll@y 
(From $725 a nigh 


pintl.com) 


THE PRIVATE ISLA 
Rent out Mı 
and you'll + 

ical islan 


ay in the Bahamas 
ur own 150-acre trop- 
25 private sugar-white 
are five luxury guest- 

who needs friends at a time 

ink Eden without the snakes 
$ Таке a look at mushacay.com 
u'll get the picture. All you need 
4,750 a night to pay the bill 


E NICE LITTLE TOUCH 

You arrive at the Bryant Park Hotel in 
New York with your date for the weekend 
and—surprise!—your swanky bed is cov- 
ered in silk rose petals. The champagne is 
chilled. On the night table sits a “bedside 
box" with a pocket Kama Sutra guide, 
all manner of love oils, a satin blindfold, 
à rubber whip and Kimono condoms. 
If nakedness is not in your near future, 
you're with the wrong girl. Book the 
naughty and nice" package at bryant 
parkhotel.com. (From $479 a night) 


THE CALL OF THE WILD 

Conundrum Hot Springs waits at 
the end of a nine-mile hike through 
the Rocky 
Mountains, 
outside As- 
pen, Colo- 
rado. Make 
your way by 
day, pitch 
a tent, then 
step into the IOO-degree pools at sunset 
with the girl of your dreams. Around 
you: 180,000 acres of wilderness. Above: 
stars spread out for eternity. Talk about 
a mile high club: You're sitting on the 
spine of the Rockies. Any trail map will 
get you there. You won't want to leave. 


THE POOL 

As Columbia Pictures founder Harry 
Cohn advised his fellow denizens of 
Los Angeles in 1939, "If you must get in 
trouble, do it at the Chateau Marmont.” 
Better yet, do it at the Chateau's pool. 
You won't find a more secluded spot in 
the middle of the world's glitziest city. 
There is something magical about this 
pool. You can be alone here in the heart 
of Hollywood. This is Sunset Boulevard; 
anything can happen. Should things go 
your way, retire to your room. The walls 
are soundproof. (From $335 a night, 
chateaumarmont.com) 


“What else would you like for Valentine's Day?” 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com for any further request. 


BY STEPHEN 
REBELLO 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY 
BUNNY YEAGER 


Q1 
PLAYBOY: You're more popular and 
fantasized abou than ever, even though 
it’s been more than 50 since 
you became one of America’s most 
Photographed 'plhup girly, (Howe do you 
explain the demand for Bettie Pag 
books, websites, feature films, DW 


and other memorabilia? y 
PAGE: My recent popularity be; 

at‏ ار 

that comic-book series The AN bor, 
it. 


I get more money now with 
t than Гуе ever had. When I 

turned Mf life over to the Lord Jesus, 1 was 
hayged of having posed in the nude, but 
Msc cb tbe sanc ye goce besos 

Jin the nude. So I'm not ashamed of 
n, but I still don't understand it. 


Q3 
PLAYBOY: It’s easy for us to understand. 
You have an incredible face and figure 
and a playful girl-next-door innocence 
combined with assertive sexuality. 

PAGE: I never thought I was incredibly 
attractive. I have large pores, and I had 
to wear a lot of Max Factor pancake 
makeup to make my skin look good. A 
lot of people claim they like my smile 
because I look happy when I’m posing. 1 
was happy posing, especially when I was 
playing in the water. Nobody knew it, but 
sometimes I used to imagine the camera 
was my boyfriend and I was making love 
to him. I loved to pose anyway, just to 
see if I could think of different positions. 
That started in the orphana 


Q4 
PLAYBOY: In the early 1930s, during 
the Depression, your mother divorced 


the 1980s, when Dave Stev 

and I was the leading lady pit. That 
has never happened to ап Щщ model. 
It's grown since then. I a 
and get letters all the ġà 
girls, saying that th 
that I helped them Jame 
by posing in the г 


them be hay 
2 
PLAYBOY: С 1rse men love you too. 


PAGE: Mfğkicians have even written songs 
арои ®@ne of those songs is by BR549, 


кол Эп, where I was born, and it’s 
p Wat this guy would have done if 
PARY known Bettie Page and all kinds of 


crazy things like that. I wonder, Why me? 
People call me an icon. But thank God 


hn young 
k up to me, 
cir inhibitions 
nd that I helped 


your father, a mechanic who hit a rocky 
financial patch and did jail time. Because 
she couldn’t care for all six of her 
children on her own, she had to put you 
and your two sisters in an orphanage. 

PAGE: Yes, I was there when I was 10, 
11 years old. There were only girls 
there, and we used to play what we 
called Program. A bunch of us would 
sit in little chairs in a circle, and one 
person would get in the middle and a 
different girl would say, “I want you 
to dance the hula” or “I want you to 
sing.” Гуе been a movie hound since I 
was 10 years old. I used to cut out pic- 
tures of movie stars from the front page 
of the Sunday newspaper in Nashville, 
and the girls would ask me to mimic 
the poses of the big stars. That’s how I 
started learning to pose, mimicking рї 
tures of movie stars. Bunny Yeager is a 
big liar when she claims she taught me 
to pose. I'd like to get her by the neck if 
I could get away with 


Q5 
PLAYBOY: Yeager was one of the first pro- 
fessionals to shoot you in the 1950s and 
the photographer who did your famous 
Playmate shot (continued on page 108) 


73 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com for any further request. 


4° 


n 


FIVE LITERARY LI 'ZTS— 
KEVIN CANTY, ALEKSAP Zub NEMON, 
SUSAN MINOT, GARY SHTEYHGART 

AND JEANETTE MMNTERSON- 


DISCUSS THE CAS? 


11125 OF LOVE 


Wuar We {= in Breakups, ов DON’T 


man and woman are s; "ny in a cafe. The 
woman is leaning for» “a with a solicitous 
look on her face. Tr.. m п” back is jammed 
up against his ch: .. As she talks, his face 
pales. Her han ; re. hes out to him. His arms 
remain crossed ay, inst his chest. She shakes 
her head and b. “ins to cry. One doesn't need 
to hear whe u >se two miserable people are 
saying to know a bre... p is in progress. 


The breakup tai. `s piace in a sort of bubble, oblivious 
to the rest of .. ` world. This little hell in which we find 
ourselves ofte ` »ccurs outside the home, apart from 
where we t е -in the cafe, on park benches, in hotel 
rooms, „ 1, unfamiliar neighborhood as we walk aim- 
lessly. already the relationship is being nudged out of 
the no. ul frame of things. In the world of breakups 
the ours are long, pauses are vast, the pace is trying. 


tre kups can be as devastating as death but with a 
mucking twist. A once beloved person is ripped out 
of our life and yet goes on to live somewhere else. 


БҮ SUSAN MINOT 


Without us. The person we were so close to is sud- 
denly zapped away, out of reach, lost to us, indiffer- 
ent. This sudden disappearance can be so painful it 
explains why lovers so often find themselves prolong- 
ing a breakup, putting off the inevitable. 


The groundwork for the breakup is usually laid indi- 
rectly, with behavior indicating discontent—he'll work 
late, she'll sleep at the edge of the bed, they'll have a 
stupid spat about how to wash the frying pan. But the 
acknowledgment of misery will come, finally, through 
words. And there is one thing all breakups share, 
besides misery—a limited vocabulary. 

You can be pretty sure the woman in the cafe has 
touched upon certain phrases such as “It’s not you, 
it’s me," or the reasonable but unconsoling "I just 
need to be on my own right now,” or the female 
favorite, “This isn't going anywhere.” Language in 
breakups seems particularly inadequate to express 
the complexity of one's feelings, the depth of one's 
anguish, the sorrow one feels. "| just need a change." 
"| don't think we're right for each other." “I can't 


76 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com for any further request. 


take this anymore.” And these are the gentle phrases. 
Then there are the sledgehammers: “I've met someone 
else.” “1 never really loved you.” To explore this information 
further is to embark on a torturous journey. So of course we 
do it. For who has ever stood up from the breakup table with 
the dignity of acceptance? “Well, then, | guess that means 
we're finished." "So be it.” "| wish you well.” "Good-bye." 


No, we crash on. Usually one person clings. The other tries 
to be patient as she extracts herself, longing to get away. 


While the person instigating the break may not suffer from 
the blow of having to hear the words, that's not to say she 
may not end up being haunted by them. It is haunting to see 
the horror of disappointment on a once beloved face, haunt- 
ing to see someone weep inconsolably on a park bench with 
the background sounds of children playing, hard to endure a 
person pleading with you at the window table in a cafe. 

Of course there is an alternative: simply not to speak. This 
is the silent breakup, usually occurring in the early stages of 
a love affair and favored by the young. Victims of the silent 
breakup know how traumatic it can be. Being dumped is bad 
enough without the added insult of not having your affair 
sufficiently acknowledged. Males (| hesitate to say men) 
seem to practice the silent breakup more frequently than 
females. Genetically disinclined to chatter, the man may sim- 
ply be following his nature, but in refusing to utter clichés, 
he instead becomes one—the callow man. 


ls it lack of care, no longer needing to impress the other per- 
son, that allows us to sink lazily into the despair of worn-out 
phrases? No. More likely we are following the same impulse 
that finds us relying on clichés to express sympathy after a 
death. Great and complex emotion renders us stunned and 


tongue-tied, and we flop back on familiar lines echoed so 
often over the years that they are there, available, endyging, 
waiting to express long-held emotions. 


"This has nothing to do with you..." “I don't k 
say this..." the chilling "1 really love you, but... 
overused, end yet being clichés, they: dovhit O on the 
head, so to speak. At least to a point. e 


ог to don for 
5 said isn’t the 
s to an end. The 
akup to illuminate 
ig himself up for fur- 
о do is to move on as 


The well-worn line is also a most effecti 
the difficult task of pulling the plug. 
important thing, really; it is simply th, 
lover who expects the dialogue oj 
the failings of a love affair is only: 
ther disappointment. The wise 
quickly as possible and not lool 


For after all is said, and p aid again and a few times 
more, will the whole tr really been revealed? If we 


are attempting to be ost likely there is an area of 


truth that will never jted. 
Will the woman E s table really tell the man that she 
i g him anymore? Will she say he 
joney? Will she mention there's a man 
ight who looked more interesting? Very 
s are usually filled with well-intentioned 
it must be. There are some clichés we are 
aving to hear. 
у clichés at our disposal as we wade through the 
'akup can be debilitating business. The particulars 
affair may still be cherished despite its demise, and 
f originality in its eulogy may feel like an affront to our 
jjluality. But one may instead look at it as cause for com- 
fon Others have felt this way before, down to the last word. 


E DOWN 
BEVIN Canty 


ow bad was it? Well, she slept wit) est friend 
while | was in the hospital for foi for a her- 
nia operation. That's what my fi Id me, and 


| believed them, though she onfessed. And 
that was not the worst par) 
The worst part came aft: 
things off. | was 19 and 
of us had any idea wi 
without her. She came out We: 
again, reunited with me оме 
manently to Montana and, 
after which we had a brief ai 
was a luxury, we would 
minute, just listening t 
of what to say, the Ды 
| was in love. It 
out the windo; 
any sense o 


we couldn't break 

17, and neither one 

0. | moved to Montana 

it me, broke up with me 

elephone, then moved per- 

up with me for a third time, 

In the days when long distance 

d иго on the phone at a dollar a 

other breathe and trying to think 
ords that would make it all better. 

% just wounded pride. Pride had gone 

before, along with decency, reason and 
otection. | was just one giant wound, 


and she an putting the bandage on, then ripping it 
off again, ри the bandage on and then ripping it off again. 
The painfMas impressive. We couldn't seem to stop. 


found the magic words, and nothing got better. 


ved best in the world and, in spite of the evidence, 
above all others, with whom | had spent the happiest 
moments of my life and with whom 1 had hoped to spend my 
future (she had sent a telegram once, proposing marriage) was 


also the person who was torturing me to death. If | could stop 
loving her, | could stop the bleeding. But | could not stop loving 
her—I didn't want to. | wanted her to love me as | loved her. 

She didn't. 

This went on for a year at least. 

She was right. We weren't that good together. We didn't 
actually have a future. We keep in touch all these years later, 
and we have led very different lives in pursuit of different 
ends. Maybe | even knew that at the time. But | was in love, 
and | couldn't help myself, the kind of love they write all the 
songs about: mad, passionate and blind. 

Then it was over, and it was all gone. The pain had passed, 
but with it went the bright moments too, the skating party, 
the sunlit afternoons in the park, kissing in the grass... The 
whole affair, start to finish, felt poisoned by the pain of its end- 
ing. All that suffering, and for nothing. What bothered me was 
the waste, the love and energy and innocence and allegiance 
we both had poured into each other, only to find out it was 
mistaken from the start. What had once seemed shining and 
beautiful now felt dull and gray and ugly, and for a long time 
| tried not to think about it. 

| got it back, though. 

It didn't come back for 10 or 15 years, and again it was 
in the middle of an emergency. | was under contract for 
my first novel, and it was going very badly—day after day 
of frustration, impatience, self-loathing, the usual writer’s 
repertoire. My first story collection (continued on page 142) 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com for any further request. 


Day!” 


5 


‘alentine 


ou suggested we insert his heart on V 


y 


Tm so glad 


77 


78 


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hat do we, or in a girl? Well, start with 
er that, beauty, brains and a 

i ism rank high on the list. Mix 

one girl and you've got a win- 

leather Rene Smith, for example, 

агу. We don't need to tell you she's 


brains, the 
in forensic 


'old California native is getting degrees 

logy and criminology, and she dreams of 

ks by living out CS/ episodes in real life. “1 
about what makes people tick and why they act 
do," she says. As for athletic prowess, suffice it 


le-down splits are all in a day's fun. She explain: 

jed when I was three because I had a lot of energ' 
(Note* Add that to the list—free spirit, beauty, brains, athletic 
prowess, lots of energy.) "By the time I was 14, I was in high- 


A crime fighter and gymnast by day... 


level competitions. Gymnastics taught me how to react when 
put on the spot." Judges? A perfect 10! 

When she's not studying or doing flips on a balance beam, 
Heather likes to tinker with old cars. She and her brother 
rebuilt a 1964 Chevy truck together, and now she's work- 
ing on a vintage Camaro. “I know how to change the oil 
and different fluids," she says, "and basic tune-up things." 
(Free spirit, brains, beauty...you get the point.) She works 
as a waitress at Hooters, and she loves to hang out with her 
guy friends, preferably outdoors. Regarding relationships, “1 
haven't had a serious one in a long time," she says. "| need 
someone who likes to have fun and doesn't care about other 
people's opinions. | can be really loud and | talk a lot, so | 
may scare quiet guys away. I'm definitely not shy. I'm usu- 
ally the one who approaches men." Advice for Mr. Right: "A 
concert is a good first date and a great way to get a feel for 
a person. | love rock, punk and country." 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY ARNY FREYTAG 


{ National Champion 


te Associations Division 


Pas 9 7, 2 
From top: Heather is getting degrees 
in criminology and forensic psychol- 
ogy; she used to be a competitive 

ymnast, so the usual laws of physics 
do not apply; when she's not hitting 


the books, this beautiful California 
blonde knows her way around a 
pool table. Right: Heather's floo 
exercise. Talk about talent. 4, 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com for any further request. 


n for anysfurthef request 


Mail to notemart@iginail.com for any further request. 


art@gmail.com for any further request 


PLAYMATE DATA SHEET 


we, HEINE Rene Smit 
pust:-24 D win. AH mes: 2H _ 
HEIGHT: Sa: WEIGHT: US 


BIRTH DATE: 


+ 


MY THREE GUILTIEST x ua 
if 1 


+ 
THE BEST CON 


EVER SAW: 


Don't T 1006, T would be | Liysr Mansion 
* cute? without Avr "oath lost March. 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com for any further request. 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com for any further request. 


a 
a 
rs 
m 
E: 
EJ 
= 
= 


Li 


mé 
E 
z 
: 
3 


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PLAYBOY’S PARTY JOKES 


On valentine's Day a shy but drunk young 
man walked up to a beautiful young woman 
in a bar and said, “Do you mind if Î ask you 
a personal question?” 

les, I do,” she replied, "but go ahead, since 
I'm sure you're going to ask anyway.” 

“Okay,” he said. “How many men have you 
slept with?” 
That's my business!” she snapped. 
“Oh cool!” he said. “How much?” 


A 97-year-old prostitute got herself listed in 
the yellow pages and now claims to be the 
oldest trick in the book 


Can 1 have five bucks to buy a guinea pi de 


boy asked his Irish grandfather 
“Here's a 10," said the grandfather АЫ 
yourself a nice Irish girl instead.” 


ATS? 


What did George W. Bush get og hi 
Barbecue sauce T 
Whats the difference betwafe ibrary of 
Congress and the House esentatives? 


In the Library of С 5 you are not 
allowed to lick the page 


A machine operat home from the fac- 
tory and told his y oney, I've got some 


good news and s ad news. First, the good 
news: I got $25, jn severance pay 
“You got $25.08 severance pay?” sh 
“That's grea ow. what's the bad news? 
“Well,” lied, “wait till you hear what 
was seve 


A mG у" to a doctor and complained of 
їп Ў The doctor gave him a thorough 
ey ation and found nothing physically 


with him 

ısten,” the doctor said, “if you expect to 

a your insomnia, you just have to stop tak- 
g your troubles to bed with you." 

know,” said the man, “but my wife refuses 

to sleep alone." 


w 


Our Unabashed Dictionary defines Xbox as 
your former girlfriend’s pussy. 


got on your collar?” a suspicious wife asked 


her husband. © 
"No, I can't,” the husband replied. “J dis 
tinctly remember taking my shirt off.” Io 


Can you explain to me how this lipstick © 


it's how your wife found out. 


n life it’s not who you know that's wa 


A pair of newlyweds were pr ng for 
bed. As they were undressing g@pusband, 
a big burly man, tossed his rs to his 


new bride. 

“Here, put these on,” Ё 
on, and the waist was twi 
can't wear your trouse: 
hat's right," said 
you ever forget it. I 
pants in this marri 

With that, she, 
said, 

He tried the 
underw: 
he said, 


SÑe put them 
> of hers. “I 


sband, “and don’t 
e one who wears the 


fret into your panties." 


That nt,” she replied, “and that's 
going to stay until your attitude 


the waj 
change! 


p Klin 


Competing for their mother's love, two 
brothers tried to outdo each other with 
Valentine's Day gifts for her. One bought 
his mother a Rolls-Royce. The other, trying 
to find something more imaginative, spent 
$100,000 on a rare mynah bird that quoted 
Shakespeare and sang opera. 

A week after Valentine's Day the sons 
called their mother and asked how she liked 
their gifts. 
he car is a dream, 
friends are extremely jealou 
nice too—just a little gamy." 


she said. "All my 
And the bird was 


Send your jokes to Party Jokes Editor, PLAYBOY, 
730 Fifth Avenue, New York, New York 10019, or 
by e-mail through our website at jokes.playboy.com. 
PLAYBOY will pay $100 to the contributors whose 
submissions are selected. 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com for any further request. 


“Damn! I fell asleep! Call me a cab, mister!” 


Mail to notemart@gm: 
THE MEN OF THE MANSION 


GIGGITY-GIGGITY 
GLUB-GLUB 


THE GROTTO OF 
EARTHLY DELIGHTS 


2 


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the GUY 
behind 


FAMILY 
GUY 


THE SUBVERSIVE SETH МАСЕ E FINALLY ENJOYS BEING A HERO 


4. since time immemorial, there has always been a place 


t jokes and flex their creative muscles. Here, free from distrac- 

of terminally unfunny suits, they make the decisions that will 
sic to rival Seinfeld's “The Contest” (“master of my domain”) 

т. This hallowed chamber-so sacred that it is referred to 

М... prisingly indistinguishable from one show to the next: a bunch of 


h the production offices of every televisig 
where its writers gather to trade punch line 
tions and protected from the poisonou 
determine whether their script will becor 
or pass as fleetingly as an episode pf 
in industry parlance only as the Ri 
ergonomic chairs around a lon 
of personal memorabilia s 

Should you ever find y 


le, laptops lined up along its perimeter, maybe a few trophies or pie 
about 
п such an inner sanctum, there are two easy ways to determine if you're in the 
company of Fam ly (1) One of Jennifer Love Hewitt's bras is hanging on the wall, framed and signed 
by the fortuitously gu Wess herself, and (2) hardly any writing seems to be happening there. 
On а late-summe| ооп a dozen or so men ranging in age from their late 20s to their late 40s struggle 
to pull a laugh "ss page of script. 


y centers on a lovable cartoon loudmouth and question- 
able role model, 0 Peter Griffin, who in this particular scene has decided to display his patriotism by driv- 
ing around in an E and letting it leak gasoline all over the road. If that gag didn't have you bursting at the 
seams, don, rry; it didn't light up the Room, either, and for several silent minutes the writers sit around 
fiddling Q lacement. 
To pu »w much Peter loves his country, one writer proposes, could he force his wife to dress like Betsy 
19hs 
eter don a red, ite and blue Speedo, another writer suggests, and produce a majestic pyrotechnic 
4 by farting out fireworks? A few laughs but still not enough. 
e conversation veers off to gossip about a writer who is absent from the Room today (and whose 
Qu I will graciously omit), known for his ssive flatulence and for sitting on the same afghan at 
very meeting, 
: xuldn't smell that thing for $50,000." says Kirker Butler, author of the script supposedly being rewrit- 
ten on this day. Almost offhandedly, David Goodman, one of the show's executive producers, replies he would 


BY DAVE ITZKOFF 


ILLUSTRATION BV JULUS PREITE 


do it for a mere $60. Within moments the 
other occupants of the Room circle around 
Goodman, watching closely as the man 
contractually responsible for administer- 
ing the Room bends his head and takes 
wo deep whiffs of the offending blanket. 
Mike Henry, a veteran producer and voice 
actor who has been with the shi 5 
creation, records the moment with a small 
digital camera. The other writers cheer, and 
Butler hands Goodman his promised $60. 

"| think I'm dizzy,” Goodman says to 
genuine laughs. 


ner of the Room, | have been 
ching one writer in particular, a slightly 
ith squinty eyes, a wide 
ark hair with a bit of gel to hold 
place and the faintest stubble outline 
goatee around his chin. He is dressed 
lue jeans and a T-shirt bearing the 
football-shaped head of the show's sin- 
ister baby, Stewie, captioned with one of 
the character's quaintly endearing slogans 
GOOD NEWS-I VE DECIDED NOT TO KILL vou. Despite 
the T-shirt's message, th s nothing 
intimidating about the man ring it, and 
he remains an innocent bystander as the 
afghan pile-on dissipates a few feet from 
where he sits (though he laughs loudly at 
the gross-out wager in a booming baritone 
game-show-host laugh). He reminds me of 
at least a dozen different people | knew in 
college, ordinary guys who kept their head 
down and quietly worked their ass off for 
years, later emerging into the sunlight as 
well-compensated aerospace engineers 
and government intelligence officers. 
That's a fairly accurate summation of how 
life has worked out for Seth MacFarlane, 
the 33-year-old creator o y Guy and 
the voice of the show-actually at least a 
dozen of the voices in this particular api 


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work for the show to mock everything 
from post-9/11 jingoism to the imagined 
contents of a Jewish porn movie, along 


with American immigration policy and the 
safe, feel-good hip-hop of Will Smith. 
MacFarlane's creation similarly refused 
to follow a traditional path in its decade- 
long ascent. Rescued from cancellation 
by rabid fans and its committed creative 


team, the y franchise is now a 
comedy colossus. One of the brightest 
shows in Fox's prime-time schedule that 
doesn't involve ice-skating celebrities or 
Ryan Seacrest, it draws about 8.4 million 
viewers (nearly half of whom are those 
demographically desirable 18-to-49-year- 
olds) on Sunday night for its first-run 
episodes and trounces monolithic, oxygen- 
sucking series like Desperate 
during the summer repeat seasons. Fam; 
|y reruns are the top- 
rated show on Cartoon 
Network's Adult Swim 
proeramming block, 
reeling in close to a mil- 
lion viewers a night. In 
May Fox will broadcast 
the show's 100th epi- 
sode-a milestone sig- 
nifying that there aré 
enough Fi 
to sell the show 
syndication, rin 
perpetuity an 
MacFarlane 

to Warre 

tax brack 


fo previous occasions. 
of this would have been possible 
MacFarlane-the quiet, unas- 
least dynamic figure in the Room. 
Without his idiosyncratic spirit the series 
Would never have been born, and with- 


sode-as well as its chief writer and 
and its sharp, ironic soul. Like MacFar out his continued willingness to defend it 


on first inspection, Family Guy is 
underestimate, What debuted RS 0) 


network in the winter of 199% ani- 
mated send-up of the Ame, uclear 
family-blue-collar New Епоі d, stay- 
at-home mom, wisecrai о ki’, house- 
hold pet that talks and jartinis—has 


5tealthily into a 
where every con- 
htemporary culture 
tice. If Seinfeld was 
Guy is about every- 


since evolved gradual 
satirical shooting 
ceivable elemgntl 


is used for tar 
about тот ©) / 
thing-ma anything. 


Thee 


A MacFarlane and his staff 


Padre de Fami. superfi- 
he story of how Peter's brief. 
‘ous surge of patriotism leads him to 
discover he's actually an illegal immigrant 
from Mexico. But the plot is just a frame- 


against creative rivals, overzealous censors 
and even the network that airs it 
il y would have vanished years ago 
Since its 


revival MacFarlane has pro- 
duced a second series, Am Dad, an 
animated show about a flag-waving CIA 


agent and his dysfunctional family, and 
justlaunched a third, a live-action sitcom 
called The Winner, starring Rob Corddry, a 
former £ w correspondent 

"When | first met him," says Chris Sher- 
idan, a longtime executive producer on 
Guy, “Seth was one of those guys 
who felt more comfortable hiding in a cor- 
ner. Now he's trying to live up to expecta- 
tions, and as anyone would, he's starting to 
enjoy the fact that he's a hero. 

While MacFarlane's colleagues routinely 
regard him as Superman, my earliest 


encounters with him suggested more of 
an introverted Clark Kent. On th 
day of my visit to the Family бш 
in Los Angeles, | was introduced: 

a morning table read—anoth 
industry ritual, in which the Writers, 
producers and animators al yone else 
blowing off more pr g фк assemble 
fora live perfor ard w script-that 
MacFarlane entere: btrusively navi- 
gating through "y. taking his cus- 
tomary seat nq d of a conference 
bling on a cookie. 


Peter's blustering New Eng- 
nt (a voice he creates by puffing 
cheeks and talking entirely out of 
ft side of his mouth) to baby 


diabolical intonations (by leaning his head 
back and speaking as if an invisible clothes- 
pin were attached to his nose) and trans- 
formed himself from Brian, the Griffin 
family dog (whose mellifluous voice is 
identical to MacFarlane's own), into an 
unctuous TV newscaster, assorted Viet- 
nam veterans, Christian missionaries and 
a talking, farting vulture, 

Two days later, when | sit down to speak 
with MacFarlane in his corner office, which is 
decorated with every manner of Family Guy 
paraphernalia imaginable, he seems to have 
retreated back into his shell. Whether we're 
making small talk about his distinctive middle 
name, Woodbury (the name of the beloved 
town drunk in Gardiner, Maine, where his 
mother's family was raised), or the child- 
hood he spent in the affluent Connecticut 
suburb of Kent, taking piano and voice lessons 
and appearing in local musical theater produc- 
tions (which may explain the framed Sound 
of Music poster hanging on his office wall), 
MacFarlane speaks hesitatingly and rarely in 
complete sentences. | learn he's single (but 
dating) and lives in a house that's at least 
big enough to 


(continued on page 146) 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com for any further request. 


“T think you'll like my new girlfriend. Pll introduce you 
when she comes up for air.” 


< » 


~ PLAYBOY'S DEC'GHER OF THE YEAR 


| ÖZWALD 


BOATENG 


fashion by 
joseph de acetis 
роо ү by 

arry benson 


danes 


WE Gi “E THE BESPOKE COUTURIER THE ROYAL TREATMENT 


As dawn breaks on Savile Ro. , photographer Harry Benson 
focuses on four Europea!.. ‘= bloods flanking the brilliant British 
tailor Ozwald Boateng-a 'e ofthem clad in the designer's suits. 
A celebrated figure t iʻa U.K., Boateng has blazed his own path 
onthefamedfash'. s..eetbyenliveningthe strict tenets of clas- 
sic tailoringw'*h. = wn flair for streamlined sil- 
houettes and “a. ^2 use of color. His influence on 
the world of ser s fashion heralds a new day for 
the stodgy Row. After winning the business of hip 
Londone. and critical acclaim at the Paris and 
Milan f ... ‘ол shows, Boateng has his sights set on 
the Jn. ^° States. That ambition and his sexy but 
m. ~ line designs are why he has earned a new title to add to his 
grow.. g list of awards: Playboy's Designer of the Year. 

To crown the tailor properly, we tapped four sons of noble heri- 
tage- (from left) Polish prince Mikush Sapieha, the Honorable Harry 


Gerald Orlando Bridgeman, the Honorable Jenico Preston and the 
Honorable William Preston, Lord of Muff—to model his clothes. No 
stranger to royals, Boateng was recently named an officer of the 
Order of the British Empire by Queen Elizabeth Il. With his trademark 
cocksureness—he wore an electric-blue morning suit for the occa- 
sion-the outspoken tailor offered during the cere- 
mony towhip up a couture outfit for Her Majesty. 

He's adept at statements. “Savile Row has been 
about fit, and design hasn't been paramount,” he 
" says. “I married fit with design and showed the poten- 
tial to be a couturier to men rather than just a tailor.” 

Boateng's suits will splash stateside this year 
when he opens his first shop in America (an effort documented on 
the Sundance Channel's House of Boateng). “То be truly successful, 
you have to make it in the U.S.,” he says. Here’s to Boateng’s new 
British empire—one we're sure the sun will never set on. 


—2À 
Changing of 


2 


Boateng woke up stuffy Savile Ro 
incorporating new styles into traditional British cuts. 
is wearing a purple two-button jacket with a white, 
striped shirt, HARRY sports a black three-button! 
lime shirt, OZWALD has on a one-button suit with a striped 
shirt and a skinny navy tie. JENICO we ple one- 
button suit with a black shirt. WILLE urple two- 
button is complemented by a crisp and a skinny 
lime tie This photo, ї exemplifies 
Boateng's look and feel: A hip ү bleman-dressed in 
OzwaldBoateng stands pp o the. changing of the 
Queen's Life Guard, who ned in their classi@red 
coats. WILLIAM wears шло paired 
witha mustard һут ў 


y 
g 
& 
£ 
y 
E 
E 


London Is the 
Land of Oz 


$ 


Boateng's threads reflect the culture of dashing, chic WS 
Londoners. OPPOSITE PAGE: Outside the Royal Hospi- 
tal Chelsea, MIKUSH listens to a military veteran tell war 
stories. The second-nicest cut in England is that of the grass 
on the pristine grounds of this retirement home for form: 
servicemen. The first is that of a Boateng suit. MIKUS| 


is a navy two-button he wears with a white Frey 
shirt, a white silk tie and silver cuff links. THIS Р, 
fresh whites and blues of the aristocrats’ outfi ne 


much needed color to the banks of the murk 
the overcast London cityscape. MIKUSH i: 
striped jacket. HARRY's tuxedo with р, 
well with his purple shirt. WILLIA! 


a turquoise 
УФ ееп shirt 


A Day in the 


Life of a Prince 


$ 


THIS PAGE: Harry Benson's career took off when he left the U.K. to photo- 
graph the Beatles on their first trip to America. With Boateng to follow in 
their footsteps this year, Benson wanted to draw a comparison to the super- 
group thatwon over the U.S. more than 40 years ago, so he shot at the place 
immortalized in the song “A Day in the Life" We've no clue how many holes 
it takes to fill the Albert Hall, but we do know that three handsome young 
aristos in Ozwald Boateng can cause a scene on its steps. WILLIAM wears a 
white velvet dinner jacket over a white shirt, JENICO's eggplant suit blends 
well with his lavender shirt, HARRY has on a blue-green iridescent suit and 
a black-and-white checked shirt. OPPOSITE PAGE: Boateng’s smart city 
style works even in the country—any country, including ours. HARRY sports 
a black wool one-button tuxedo with silk peaked lapels. 


SE 
BEER use 
M ie MIRE OF Of WALD BOATENG K Р 
WHERE AND HOW TO BUY ON РАСЕ 147. 
Kos: АА 


Mall to notemart@gmail.com for any further request. 


ROMANCE 2007 


THE TRUTH ABOUT 
AND THE 
LAWS OF 


and even insights into 
L himal kingdom. We have words 
ooscure whys and егег aii ipod characters and updates 
nd Ed "а love's secrets-the potions, conto te in the present era of techno- 
e ihips- we're thinking of calling it 
Fany money can be made from trade- 
7 (Well, when that day comes for you, bunky, 1 í possibly more secrets here than 
ou have preserved this issue. On the pages Don Juan and Casanova would have 
esent many secrets: advice from women. iit neither of them could read English. 
lossess that elusive attribute. Look 

me you are already. 


Y MAN'S LIFE from scien: 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com for any further request. 


CHEMICAL ROMANCE 


Q: Biochemically speaking. how 
does seduction work? 


A: Sex drive is associated with 
testosterone in both men and 
women. Romantic love is associ- 
ated with elevated activity of the 
dopamine system. which is like 
natural cocaine. 


О: So what's the best way to 
get the dopamine flowing? 

А: First do something novel and 
spontaneous, like skinny-dipping 
after dark or taking a trip on 
the spur of the moment. This 
will trigger excitement and drive 
up dopamine levels in the brain. 
The excitement of the dopamine 
high triggers testosterone, which 
elevates sex drive. 

О: What if you're planning 
something less exotic, like just 
going out for dinner? 

А: Sit at the table and stare at 
her. Talk to her. Women tend to 
experience intimacy from face- 
to-face talking. It's called the 
anchoring gaze. In the seduction 


“WHAT YOU REALLY WANT A W 


process, | would c 
ommend trying to tap 
female intimacy. 


ainly rec- 
nto that 


Q: What's the next step? 

А: Any kind of touch or massage 
drives up the levels of oxytoc 
the brai 


in 
Oxytocin 1 15 associated 
ngs of attachment. These 

make her more с 
1 bed. What you really 


have an ol gas! 
О: What happens when she 

climaxes-other than the obvious? 
А: Orgasm drives up oxyto- 
cin levels in the brain: n 
that increases her feel 


of 


n he ejaculates 
njecting her w T 
Dow ul chemicalst 


TODO 


IS RELAX, BECAUSE THAT'S THE ONLY WAY 


SHE'S GOING TO HAVE A 


>| 
IN 


and 


FAST FACTS AN 


AMANSPENUS'AN 
THE AVERAGE CONSUJ 


ASM.” 


S 
rs 


ISTICS ON ROMANCE 


RB ACE OF $210 A MONTH ON DATING. 
NT $100.89 ON VALENTINE'S DAY LAST YEAR. 


U.S. CENSUS, THERE ARE 120 SINGLE 
ОВ EVERY 100 WOMEN OF THE SAME AGE. 


A U.K. ST 


UND THAT INCREASING THE FREQUENCY OF 


attachment toward you. Whe 
man has an orgasm, he EZ Y 


TALK 


What tà Say to seal the 
Hollywood-style 


“JUST THE TIP, JUST FOR A SECOND. 
IT FEELS.”-JEREMY GREY > WE 
“YOU SHOULD BE KISSED-AN 


ONE WHO KNOWS НОМУ.” 
WITH THE WIND 


N AND BY SOME- 
BUTLER » GONE 


"THE ONLY QUESTION 
"WHAT TIME IS YOUR 
-HUD BANNON > H 


ASK ANY WOMAN IS, 
AND COMING HOME?'" 


“GO GET THE BUTT, AUL > LAST TANGO IN PARIS 


“I'M IN LOVE 
ANYWAY."—-N, 


OU ALREADY, BUT I'LL NAIL YOU 
RRAN > BASIC INSTINCT 


A ЕМЕ IN THE SOUL, THE COCK, THE PUSSY, THE 
OF A WOMAN'S BACK, THE HANGIN' CURVEBALL, 
ІН FIBER, GOOD SCOTCH, THAT THE NOVELS OF SUSAN 
ONTAG ARE SELF-INDULGENT, OVERRATED CRAP... | 
BELIEVE IN THE SWEET SPOT, SOFT-CORE PORNOGRAPHY, 
OPENING YOUR PRESENTS CHRISTMAS MORNING RATHER 
THAN CHRISTMAS EVE, AND I BELIEVE IN LONG, SLOW, DEEP, 
‘SOFT, WET KISSES THAT LAST THREE DAYS.” 


“YOUR EYES ARE AMAZING, DO YOU KNOW THAT? 
YOU SHOULD NEVER SHUT THEM, NOT EVEN AT 
NIGHT."-PAUL MARTEL > UNFAITHFUL 


"| WANT TO HAVE SEX AND THEN DO A HIT RIGHT AS 
WE'RE BOTH COMING."-SETH ABRAHMS > TRAFFIC 


“YOU PLAY FAIR WITH ME, I'LL PLAY FAIR WITH 
YOU."-ALEX FORREST > FATAL ATTRACTION 


“WHY DON'T YOU GET OUT OF THAT WET COAT AND 
INTO A DRY MARTINI?"-ALBERT OSBORNE > THE 
MAJOR AND THE MINOR 


“PUT ME IN YOUR POCKET, MIKE!"-TRACY LORD > THE 
PHILADELPHIA STORY 


"TAKE ME TO PLEASURE TOWN. 
INGSTONE > ANCHORMAN 


"-VERONICA CORN- 


“ILOVE THAT YOU GET COLD WHEN IT'S 72 DEGREES OUT. I 
LOVE THAT IT TAKES YOU AN HOUR AND A HALF TO ORDER 


SEX FRO A MONTH TO ONCE A WEEK CAUSED THE SAME 
AMOUN@@QE HAPPINESS AS GETTING A $50,000-A-YEAR PAY RAISE. 'A SBNDWICH: EOE THAT VOU /GET-A EITTEE CRINKLE 
C $ WITH A TV IN THEIR BEDROOM HAVE ABOVE YOUR NOSE WHEN YOU'RE LOOKING AT ME LIKE 


ГМ NUTS. | LOVE THAT AFTER I SPEND THE DAY WITH YOU, 
ICAN STILL SMELL YOUR PERFUME ON MY CLOTHES. AND 
| LOVE THAT YOU ARE THE LAST PERSON I WANT TO TALK 
TO BEFORE I GO TO SLEEP AT NIGHT.” 


ALF AS OFTEN AS THOSE WITHOUT. 


A INEA PIG NAMED SOOTY RECEIVED 206 VALENTINE'S 
DAY CARDS IN 2004 TO SET A GUINNESS WORLD RECORD. 


They meet and h 
they have a 


Fifteen years ago, after tracking 
down a college boyfriend and rekin- 
dling their romance, psychologist 


soor 


Nancy Kalish wondered if anyone 5 
had ever studied the experience A: va mas ves A lot of 
of lost-and-found love. She has 2: Many times, yes. A lot о 


will leave their marriac 
lost love doesn't. So у 


since collected more than 2.000 
case histories. written two books 
on the subject and launched a 
website, lostlovers.com. 


Q: Do these rekindlings break up 


ADVICE 


TO WRITE A LOVE 


MES BLUNT 


sic or Iyrics? 
through any sort of 

ys. Sometimes 
elody or a handful of 
y just need some nurturing 
ke a seed 


ve complete? 


BLUNT: The music d 
and rule or formula: it gs 
t can be just a 

words or a few cl 
or developinc 
PLAYBOY: Dg 


ever 


e Beautiful 
ind-a-half - 
was in a panic 


instance, | wrote 


Ә: Is there a typical lost-and- te n һ 
found-love story? pa Ше sE in eee tas had seen my 
" ey're cheating on their ex. They new man. Sh yes 
A: You can easily chart the çay things like "God put us back 1 her new man. She and pr men 
typical experience. John and Jane together” which is ridicul time in that moment. I left for Switzer 
een Mpeg j. and the next day the sor ved 


neet at the age of 15, date fo 
one to tr years and then sepa- 
rate because one moves 
their parents disapprove о 
are just too young. De 
and they find each other 
cases thi fte 


any of this? 


А: lts 


t all that c 
CIS That it 


1 some 
both have 


divorced or 
great wher 


that ha 

both à 
send a casual e-mail: “Н 
your name online. Did you 
ever become a lawyer? 

О: What happens next? 


just s a qui 
selves ах out И otivatio 


a guy м 
a lost ES 
S PART OF 
ITNER'S BODY 15... 
$ INADVERTENTLY HILARIOUS 


Qs MY PARTNER DID WHILE 
1 4. IN LOVE WHEN... 


WE WERE DATING WAS... 


THE FUNNIEST THING MY PART- 
NER DOES WHEN HE OR SHE 
FEELS ROMANTICIS... 


MY PARTNER'S MOST SURPRISING 
COMIC INFLUENCE 15... 


Q: How has the Internet change 


iot that it makes it east 


yes 
What the 


О: What adve would you give to 
pted to contact 


unless you are ready 


PLAYBOY: Is TC easier to write a love song 
actually 


BLUNT: | don't k 


en you re 


or that because I've 
And I've also 
don't 


think 


while bel 


ten a song 
PLAYBOY: Songs c 
lo. because you're 
also not playing much 


you 


n't flow wher 


the 
guitar at t 


single joying 


hat point 


ed “Goodbye My Lover 


you recor 


vas staying in an actress's house 
had a piano in the bathroom 
g to do. but we'd run out of 
t get into an expensive studio. So 
g around. | already sing in the 
we get the s ? 


money and could 
had to start scrou 
shower. so why could 


pent an eve the bath t was great 
PLAYBOY: Why did she have a piano there? 
BLUNT: | think they all do in Hollywood. That's been 


my experience 


CANADIANS MAKE THE BEST INSTEAD OF “GOOD NIGHT, 
LOVERS BECAUSE... AND GOOD LUCK,” MY PART- 

NER'S SIGN-OFF SHOULD BE 

“GOOD NIGHT, AND...” 

THE ONLY FAMOUS PERSON 
I CAN ALWAYS MAKE HIM OR MY PARTNER IS ALLOWED TO 
HER LAUGH BY... CHEAT ON ME WITH IS... 

IF WE WERE TO MAKE | 
THE ITEM FROM THE GROCERY WHOOPEE IN THE DAILY SHOW 
STORE THAT BEST DESCRIBES OFFICE, IT WOULD BE... 


MY PARTNER IS... 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com for any rhen request, 


centerfold 


secre 


PAY HEED TO THE PLAYMATE AUTHORS OF 
THE BUNNY BOOK AND YOU'LL BE HAPPY FOREVER 


In April Playmates Deanna Brooks, Pennelope Jimenez and Serria Tawan 
will make their debut as authors with the publication of an etiquette 
guide for women titled The Bunny Book: How to Walk, Talk, Tease and 
Please Like a Playboy Bunny. What follows is for the guys. 


WHAT'S THE BEST WAY TO 
COMPLIMENT A WOMAN? 
DEANNA: Tell us hi е look, Most often the 
reason we dress up is to attract you. 

SERRIA: Sexy is the perfect adjective. 
PENNELOPE: Compliment me, not my 
clothes. Don't tell me my dress looks sexy 
tell me | look sexy in my dress, 

HOW CAN WE TELL IF SHE'S 
INTERESTED? 

PENNELOPE: Look at her eyes first. If you 
catch her gazing, it means she's into you 
DEANNA: If her body is c 
pointed to 


еп and her toe is 


leg are signs that she's interested. 


WHAT DOES A WOMAN WAN 
VALENTINE'S DAY? 


PENNELOPE: Flowers and c 


sics for a reason 
DEANNA: But every girl x. them 
Be creative O 

© f the candy. 


PENNELOPE: Hide je: 
WHERE SHOULD WE GO ON A DATE? 
bn surprised me by 
t his showing a little 


O 


SERRIA: A guy once took me to a restau 
taking me roller-skating. We were both tg 


es food 


not at the meal 


WHAT SEX 
TIPS SHOULD GUYS 
KNOW? 


DEANNA: Look into end 
ance through the К. 
Sutra. It has stood tie 
of time, unlike m, 


HAMA сч 
biting on "© 
SERRIA: | t know 
who sgt the e-mail 

А е пої touch- 
gina correctly 
uys think tap- 
cceptable, but 
vaginas cannot translate 
Morse code 


ard you, she's inviting por 
PENNELOPE: Slight touches on the a 


LOVE 


in the Time of 
MySpace 


NEW TECHNOLOGIE AN 
NEW RULES FMS NANCE 


Modern love is an electronic bi . Here are the new 
rules of engagement. 


1//MYSPACE: A BENIGN AIN ING 


dible advance in the art of 
A girl for her MySpace profile 

е click of a mouse, crib notes 
М. books she likes, who her friends 
6 after w Of course that means 


ecting the right bands, books and Dewas 


iat her page isn't adorned with unicorns 
ows. the next step is e-mail correspon- 


for years, and none enjoyed a speedy delivery 


nger necessary. With all the dynamic material shoot- 
ig through the ether. you needn't even have a reason 
to type a quick electronic missive: Some witty lines 
and a link to a YouTube video or some corny Chuck 
Norris jokes can say more about a modern man's sen- 
timents than any of the Bard's iambic pentameter. 


З //1 THINK U R САВ 


After she returns the e-mail. it's time for finger flirting 
through the rapid-fire dialogue of Instant Messenger. 
Mavis Beacon didn’t teach 20-something men to type 
70 words a minute: chatting online with chicks has made 
us all fit to be stenographers. IM is even more informal 
than e-mail. and its best use is sharing intimate (but 
not sexual) details of your day. Messages like “The guy 
in the next cubicle is eating some stank Indian food” or 
“It looks like my boss combed his hair with a pork chop” 
are fine fodder for IM. The language of IM love is also 
brief. So bring on rotflmao (rolling on the floor, laughing 
my ass off). gf/bf (girlfriend/boyfriend), jk (just kidding) 
and the ever useful ianwp (1 am not wearing pants). Jk. 


4 //LET'S HAVE TEXT 


With face-to-face rejection off the table, IM offers the 
best stimulant to social lubrication since the invention 
of the daiquiri. “What's ur cellie? I'm going to grab a 
beer w/my boss. I'll let u know how the bartender reax 
to his bed head.” Sure, it's a roundabout way to obtain 
her number, but the implication here is that you find her 
interesting enough to continue the conversation during 
your free time—without needing to have an actual conver- 
sation. If you keep the frequency of your text replies to a 
lag time of at least 10 minutes. she'll think you're making 
time for her whenever you decide to answer her texts. 


5 //1T'S YOUR CALL 


Eventually she'll break down and text, “Can и call me? 
texting is 2 time consuming.” Ah. technology! Never 
again do we have to suffer the awkward tedium the 
dater of yore endured when he placed that first call to 
a girl. The information age has already allowed us to 
easily learn her likes. dislikes. turn-ons and turnoffs. how 
she feels about your boss's grooming and which Chuck 
Norris joke makes her lol. In no time she'll be your gf. 


& or spell-check. Thankfully, sonnet writing is no 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com f 


T 


ANIMAL 


ATTRACTION 


Do animals fall in love? We asked 
evolutionary biologist Olivia Judson, 
author of Dr. Tatiana's Sex Advice to 

I Creation, if there's any evidence. 


ARE HUMANS THE ONLY SPECIES 
THAT CAN FEEL LOVE? Charles Dar- 
win believed, based on his observa- 
tions of chimpanzees, that animals 
can love. "A strong desire to touch 
the beloved person is commonly 
felt" he wrote. "Love is expressed 
by this means more plainly than by 


any other." Many animals can develop 
attachments. Parrots, fc тре, ar 
insanely jealous. If you date someo 


new, your parrot will often try to 
sabotage the relationship. But | don’t 
think any creature takes this to the 
extremes of humans, who sometimes 
will kill themselves if spurned 


YES, BUT CAN THAT REALLY BE 
CALLED LOVE? | wouldn't be sur- 
prised if we someday learn а! 
experience love. We consistently 
underestimate them. Recently | saw 
a headline that read, 5+ 1u- 
ID THAN T и шеше dl 
read, UNIMAGINATIVE HUM, 

The study fo four und that sheep can rec- 
ognize other sheep, as well as peo- 
ple, even after being separated from 
them for two years. So althou 
may think all sheep look the sa 
they don't think that about us. In 
dentally, scientists have also found 
that male sheep raised by goats 
prefer goats as sex partners, while 
female sheep raised by goats st 
prefer sheep. That's nol 


r shee not necessario 
about love, but it's interestir Q { 


PERHAPS WE'RE JUST CONFUS- 
ING LOVE AND THE NESTING 
INSTINCT. Species that remain 
together for a lifetime. such as the 
Bewick's swan, could be said to be ir 
love. Although it's hard to say if they 
are sexually faithful, it can at least 
be said they don't divorce. There's 
also a small crowlike bird called the 
jackdaw that lives in colonies but 
stays with the sar nate through 
at least a single breeding seasor 
This may be an example of what 
Call the mutually assured destruc- 
tion theory of monogamy. 2 
species it takes so much enerc 
raise offspring that any tim 
on something like cheating 
mean your kids die and yo 
aren't passed alor 
works best when oth 
you would be destroyed. 
ARE MALE-FEMALE: 
AMONG ANIMALS 
NIAL THAN AMO 
Not particularly. 
nan 80 species 


п a particularly 
male first cap- 
auld any old prey. 
nto his 


y case as casually as a child 
cards a dull toy. The only clue 
at he was ever there is his penis. 
which has broken off inside her. 


or any further request 


nibble 
NIBBLE 


PICK THE FOOD TO PUT 
HER IN THE MOOD 


DO CERTAIN FOODS REALI AS APHRODI- 


LOT OF DISHES ARI 
THE ONES YOU'D TI 


CHEESE, PLE 


F FIRST. 


urn both r 
eromone 


HAIL THE BIVALVES! 


Ever pone knows 
rodisiac, but in March 2005, at the Ameri 
ety Meeting in‘ San Diego, a group of American and 


es?” They found 
ating bivalve mol- 
sks, a group that includes 
not only oysters b 

sels and claı 


tosterone and e e 
levels in men and women 
It was the first time anyone 


had provided conclusive evi- 
dence. Serving suggestion: 
Oysters on the half shell 


LICORICE AND AROUSAL 


Dr. Alan Hirsch of the Smell & Tas tment and 
Research Foundation in Chicago performe a series of 
experiments with scent and arousal. He hooked up a 
monitor to his genitalia. In both waking and 
rienced vaginal blood 
vhen exposed to the com- 
ants of licorice and cucumber. Serving sugges- 
Pernod aperitif fol d by cold cucumber soup. 


LETUS GIVE THANKS 


According to the same Smell & Taste study, women 
found the scents of lavender and pumpkin pie nearly 
as arousing as those of licorice and cucumber. Ser 
ing suggestion: A slice of the Thanksgiving staple à 
la mode with lavender ice cream 


Ф 


HOT & WET vs. WARM & COZY, 


For straight talk about amorous interplay, we put some 
questions to seven of our favorite female sex writers. 


ERIN BRADLEY (columnist, Nerve.com): Love is hot sex with 
someone you would have been friends with in high school. If 
you can set the sheets on fire, then stay up telling fart jokes for 
hours afterward, chances are it's something real. 

BESSIE BARDOT (author, Bes 
From Life): Technically, love is a fi 
disorder coup 
left after the hormones disperse. 


BELISA VRANICH (health and sex editor, Men's Fi 
love absolutes. Using the words tr 
aren't missing out. 

BRADLEY: True love exists but rarely with 
includes a series of people over a lifetime. 


STACEY GRENROCK WOODS (autho, 


^ 


T, NERVE.COM 


always someone better we haven't met. And 
er stop looking 


«e. | was engaged to an auto mechanic. I'd never felt 
anything so immediate, so complete. But our lifestyles were 


incompatible. | liked making money: he liked smoking pot. 


assume 
we mu 


S 


o 
Wt 


WOODS: | have found true love with a ci BY who doesn't love 
me yet. My attorney has advised me. discuss it. 

TRISTAN TAORMINO (columnist, J 
moment | saw him I was in love. | 


WOODS: Yes, but it's b: ©, 


SARI LOCKER (author? 'omplete Idiot's Guide to Amazing 
Sex): Two true loves yA exist at the same time if you are put- 
ting the required of energy into your one lave. 
BARDOT: It has roven scientifically that the brain can feel 
extreme love, arlety of people at the same time. Think 
about it: N ays a parent can love only one child 


9. sex is hot and wet. True love is warm and coz y. 
hi 


gage Voice): | knew the 
pe like lightning. 


ger them every 15 minutes. 


Y: Great sex makes you want to slap someone and pull 
heir fair. True love can too, but for entirely different reasons. 


"ANY GRANATH (host, Playboy Radio's Afternoon Advice): 


SG: sex requires a beautiful penis. True love requires a den- 


d with a chemical addiction. Real love is w O 


tal plan and a 401(k) 


WOODS: I'll never know. I'm not attracted to my dog that way. 
VRANICH: | hope not. It helps if it's good, though. 
GRANATH: Absolutely. 


TAORMINO: Expecting one person to be the best of everything 
isn't reasonable. 
BRADLEY: No 
but it's a close call. 
We're talking the 
difference between 
New York strip and 
filet mignon. | don't. 
care how much you 
fight-if the sex is 
good, it'll eet you 
through a lot of 
rough spots. 


EN 
5 


AUTHOR, BESSIES 
GUIDE FORGIRLS 
WHO WANT 

MOI M LIFE 


PLAYBOY 


108 


Bettie Page (continued from page 73) 


I had less sex during those seven years modeling in 
Jew York than at any time in the rest of my life 


for the January 1955 issue of PLAYBOY. 
PAGE: I was going to blow the whistle on 
her. Nobody knows the truth about her, 
and it really ought to be told. In 1954 I 
would pose for that woman for nothing 
or for $5 an hour, mostly in the nude 
out in the ocean or out in the woods. 
She said, “I will do right by you finan- 
cially, Bettie, if the pictures sell.” One of 
the first things she did was get me the 
Miss January 1955 spot in rrAvnov. She 
got quite a bit of money for that. She 
never gave me a penny. The only thing 
she ever gave me was a $5 makeup kit 
with a lid on it, but it didn't have any 
makeup in it. I didn't have anything in 
writing, though I signed a release allow- 
ing her to do what she wanted with the 
pictures, and she has been selling them 
all over the world ever since. She called 
me up one time to tell me she bought 
her home in North Miami with money 
she got from books that teach people 
how to draw nudes she had done of 
me. Two writers were going to put 
things right with my life-story book, 

and they interviewed me a lot. When 
they asked me to ask Bunny Yeager 
to please send photos to put in the 
book, I thought she'd give them to 
me for free, but she said, “Tell Bettie 
Page she'll have to pay just like апу. 
one else. It'll cost her $200 a photo. 
Talk about a cheapskate. 


Q6 


PLAYBOY: Who created those hot bikinis 


and the Jungle Bettie leopard-skin- 
patterned outfit you wore in усу = 


N 


photo sessions with Yeager? 

pace; Bunny Yeager claims she гї 
my bikinis and that leopard-skin, 
but she didn’t even know w 
going to wear that morning. 
had anything to do with it 
designed or made any o, kinis. 
She used to make the bil © some 
of the other models he didn't 
even bother to hem H r anything. 


lag you would 
t store, if I do 


fit—designe: 
made a lot 
shoots like nf 
doesn't 


feverything—and I 
ingerie as well. She 
her photographer. 
it until you get posed; she 
Ш the time—even if your 
аіпеа or your arm is not in 
OW position. She sold every pic- 
pe ever took of me, no matter 
what it looked like. I've got no use for 
Bunny Yeager whatsoever. 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com 


for any further request. 


PAGE: It's a shame it had to have a bad 
ending. In 1957, two weeks by 
Christmas, I told him I was 
New York. I thought they ha 
pictures of me. I was getti, 
to model. I wanted to cha 
started crying and said, * 
you to marry me. I Ipve Ў I'll never 
love anyone else.” MT I got mar- 
ried again, I'd wan! ave sex, and 
you know you n; Pppealed to me 
in that way.” W, new Marvin, he 
wouldn't drin п a bottle of beer. 
I wouldn't la man who drank, 
or anything like that, 


Q7 
pLaynoy: Would you say you have a his- 
tory of being taken advantage of—by 
women and men? 
pace: My father was a sex fiend. That's 
all he thought about from the time he 
got up until he went to bed. He started 


E. ч $ г - butit s; rvin started drinking 
molesting me when I was 13, but I was У б £ 
y after y York. 1 don't know if 
already menstruating and he was агай ро E. 
I might get pregnant, so he just rubbed "€ eb RO 


himself on the outside, not in the vagina. 
I think my sister Goldie was never right 
in her head because she out on the 
farm with him for one year by herself, 
with my brother Jimmie. After w 
father did to her she kept to herself, 
she walked with her head down 
even had some mental problem; 
He went to his deathbed lying‘ 


He said to me, right in front ер- 
moth You and your sister lying 


about me. I nev uch y of my 
daughters sexi 


Q10 

® oy: After you made such an impact 
model, you were served with a sub- 
dena to appear before a congressional 
subcommittee making a big show of 
investigating the bondage ide ofa 
Florida Boy Scout. You were never called 
to testify, but afterward you completely 
vanished from the scene, and wild tales 
sprang up, about your being the victim 
of a Mob hit, your becoming a grand- 

mother and your finding religion, 
PAGE: You hear all kinds of lies about 
me. When I came to California in 1978, 


PLAYBOY: By the ti 1 first New I think even my little cousin once said, 

k, in 1947 at e of 24, vou had “Bettie, are you still married to [famed 
earned a ba@@I@VS degree, taught Photo agent] Irving Klaw?” I said, 
school, be “What? Irving Klaw was never mar- 


ried to me. His wife was one of my best 
friends.” I never even thought anything 
like that about him—he was a fat man, 
bald headed almost. Then there was 
the story that I was married to some 
kind of raja over in India somewhere, 
that I was living in a trailer in Kentucky 
or that I was dead. All kinds of crazy 
rumors went around. Do you know 
anything about this movie out on me? 


n pily married to and 
pm Billy Neal, taken a 
е and modeled furs in 


and lived in Miami and 
Е ere soon posing for amateur 
photo 5, appearing on maga: 
coyergand becoming a pinup icon. 
Na less sex during those seven 
nodeling in New York than at any 
1n the rest of my life put together. 
went out with Marvin Greene, a good- 
looking blond fellow with wavy hair, one 
of the few blonds I ever dated. But we 
didn't have any sex at all. I just didn't have 
any desire to make love to him, and he 
never bothered me about it either. He was 
so ashamed of his height—he was about 
five-foot-four, and I'm about five-foot- 
five-and-a-half—that when we'd go to the 
beach at Coney Island he would always lie 
a foot below or above me on the sand so 
nobody would see he was shorter than I 
was. He was a dancer and singer in Okla- 
homa!, My Fair Lady, Carousel and a lot of 
those big musicals. We were like brother 
and sister when we took trips together in 
his old Chevrolet. Those were the most 
pleasant experiences in my entire life. 


Q11 
piavnoy: The Notorious Bettie Page, star- 
ring Gretchen Mol? 
PAGE: I thought she was real pretty, 
those big eyes. She was good-looking, but 
the way she would screw up her face and 
all, I never did that. I didn't think her 
figure was too good. She was too tall, but 
she had a pretty face. That movie is full 
of lies. I was almost raped once by four 
creeps in a car in Queens, New York, and 
they had it in the movie that I was raped 
by five men out in the woods. They 
didn’t rape me. The basic story is true, 
but the details are a lot of baloney—or 
most of them are. I saw the movie at Mr. 
Hefner's house, in his theater, a couple 
of weeks before it came out, and one of 
the female producers was sitting right 
behind me. I mean, they named it The 

(concluded on page 140) 


Q9 
riaynoy: Weren't they pleasant enough 
to marry him despite the lack of sexual 
attraction? 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com for any further request. 


109 


“Your Honor, my client insists she was just selling valentines.” 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com for any further request. 


' imaginations like Number Six, television's sexiest robot, played 
lets down her hair before our camera in sunny Acapulco, 


motions, and swords can be made from shafts of light—by definition, none of the normal rules 

. Take, for example, the Sci-Fi Channel's Battlestar Galactica, the second coming of the classic 

05 TV show, now enjoying the third season of its new incarnation. On the show Cylons are human- 

hines that have evolved and taken on humanoid form and are now hell-bent on mankind's destruction. 

them is Number Six, a character so sexy, it is impossible to think of her as anything but a woman with radiant 

h lesh. And yet she is a robot. More to the point, she is a robot with an uncanny power to seduce humans. 
hat is interesting. We felt the need to do some Scanner Darkly-type investigating. 

« еп Tricia Helfer, the actress who plays Number Six, strides onto the patio at the Chateau Marmont in Los 

i 


igeles, heads swivel to track the statuesque beauty. She is wearing jeans, a tight T-shirt and a black blouse. 
nimal makeup, if any. We reach out and touch her, a simple handshake. Indeed, she appears human. Then 
110 the voice: velvety and feminine. As Tricia begins to tell us her story—how a small-town girl from Canada became 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY SANTE D'ORAZIO 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com for any further request. 


B 
9 
$ 


the sexiest sci-fi thing оп earth—we 
have already come to one impggtant 
conclusion: The 32-year-ol 
hotter in person than she i 

“I grew up with three 
farm in Alberta,” Тг 
hauled grain and c 
field. We didn’t 
and I think the 
were Star Trek tar Wars. I'm 
nota SU en of gal." Tricia 
intended to animal psychol- 
ogy and pj leyball in college, 
ay, at the age of 17, 
ted in a movie-ticket 
lout. Soon after, she 
ew York and began a 
| 10-year modeling career, 
hich time she studied act- 
WHer big TV break came with a 

on CSI: Crime Scene Investiga- 

Or as a body-dysmorphic model 

who tries to cut off her face with 
manicure tools. She has since 
starred in Behind the Camera: The 
Unauthorized Story of Charlie's 
Angels (she played Farrah Fawcett, 
naturally) and opposite Dennis 
Hopper in Memory on the big 
screen. The more success she has, 
the more she finds herself wonder- 
ing how all this happened. “I never 
thought when | was a little farm girl 
in Canada that I'd be a model and 
an actor,” she says. Not to mention 
а PLAYBOY cover girl. 

As Number Six, Tricia has a tricky 
role. Battlestar Galactica chronicles 
the story of a group of refugees 
searching for the fabled lost world 
of Earth, following a war that pitted 
humans against the robotic Cylons. 
Number Six is not just one Cylon but 
a whole line of them, which means 
Tricia plays many characters. “I try to 
make all the Sixes a little different,” 
she says. They all, however, have a 
certain sex appeal that is proving 
to be good for the show’s ratings. 
The audience loves her. "I go to 
Battlestar Galactica conventions," 
Tricia says, "because | love to meet 
fans. They are really intelligent and 
passionate people, and | appreciate 
those qualities. | feel a sense of duty 
because they are looking for Num- 
ber Six, so | can't just roll out of bed 
and show up. In real life | don't get 
noticed that much because | don't 
wear a blonde wig.” 

These days Tricia lives in Los 
Angeles and is married to an enter- 
tainment lawyer. The decision to pose 
nude in this steamy Acapulco shoot 
came down to gut instinct. “Nudity 
to me is not taboo,” she explains. “I 
feel privileged to be one of this elite 
PLAYBOY group. Besides, we all have 
the same parts.” Aha—proof! She is 
human after all. —Robert B. DeSalvo 


a А .• Май «радост fog any, furtherffequest 4 AN " 
106 » - 1 p І v at , "Г ME 7 
> y B B E s i ‘ ' f, 
0 “ 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com further requ 


PLAYBOY 


120 


Starlight unes 


En telling you Гое been dealing with the devil and I 
could use some coaching. He really does talk to me. 


arrested, and he sent it to us in the mail 
like it was really something to write 
home about? You know what I remem- 
ber most about that picture? The bor- 
ders were all ragged because he had to 
tear it out of the page with his fingers. 
My oldest brother is somebody who 
the state of Texas won't let him possess 
scissors. That's your litter of geniuses, 
jailhouse geniuses in orange jailhouse 
ега; rammed full of sin and picking 
up trash by the road. Stuffing trash in 
white sacks along the interstate. 

Incidentally, if this program works 
and if I get it together, if I reach a 
point of balance, I will enroll in col- 
lege. That’s not what I started out to 
say, but if I get so I can look people 
in the eye, get so I can make change 
and carry on conversations, I will get 
a part-time job and enroll in college. 
But as for my grandma, as for last 
Family Group day... 


Dear Pope John Paul, 

Do you have two first names, or is 
Paul your last name, like you're Mr. 
Paul? 

And I know it's not just dumb luck, I 
know I ordered the circumstances. 

At first I was interested in getting 
high, I liked the feeling, I liked to laugh 
at nothing and get my feet crossed and 
go down on my ass. Then later it wasn't 
fun, it was torture, but it was a button 
I could push to destroy the known 
world. 

I mean it's like I get that gla: 
just touching against my low: 
and next thing I know I'm on the 
bus to Vegas, there's a certain pow’ 
that, you know, i 
the movie you're in you just. 
jug going by and it takes you gs 


as far 


you into a completely differ. tory. 
What do they feed you, you're 
the pope? Try the stuff Sad here 


sometime. For lunch give you a 
marshmaller and a AN за 
salvage yard for vho totaled 
their souls ca he Starlight 
Recovery C Ukiah, Califor- 
nia, on D ue. Ah hell what's 
wrong un 2» T won't be sending 
no letter to pope. 

telling you I think I've been 
the devil and I could use 
rt coaching. There really is 
a МС really does talk to me, and 
It it might be coming from some 
AntaDuse giving me side effects, but 
be that as it may I need to know the 


rules. So far I think I’ve found out 
that I don’t have to obey his orders, 
I can just ignore him, sort of, but if I 
keep pissing him off is he going to get 
after my people? 

Mark Cassandra 


Dear Satan, 

Senor Mr. Business, you are one big 
fucking bubble and I'd hate to be there 
when you go POP because then I'd get 
a lot of really rank stuff on me. 

I mean I'm here to change or die t 
ing but all I can think about is if this was 
still the old Starlight, the Motel of Ва 
Dreams, I'd scrape together a cou 
hundred dollars and lay up here d 
until they smelled my corpse and 
the lock. But е 
the Starlight's 
ter get there too, and find 
y of filling up than alcol 


dm 1 4 гап. 
My grand, it tha if y 
i d babies will come 
‘and you'll end up bur- 
ge town with your name 
ng on your grave. 


out cros: 
ied ing 
spelle 


but this time I sw it’s feel- 
ferent. You're the one person 
jived, so that's as far as ГЇЇ 
go with that one. It’s feeling different, 
that’s as much as ГЇЇ swear to. 

If you want to come to Family 
Group you can. I have had one Fam- 
ily Group but nobody came but dear 
old Grandma and that led to an inci- 
dent. I realize you're stuck in Dallas 
but if you come home for a vacation, 
I wouldn't mind seeing a friendly face. 
And if it was my sister Marigold, Га be 
smiling. Marigold, sister Marigold. My 
noble young petunia. It's every Sunday, 
two PM. You'll do better than Grandma 
Pd lay odds. She didn’t have a word 
to say, not until about 3:15. Family 
Group goes for two hours—the wives, 
husbands, children, any close people, 
they all come for group therapy. Mostly 
tting with rods up their butts and 
every face pulled tight, nobody knows 
if they're about to get ratted out, get 
their covers pulled. Playing it close, 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com for any further request. 


in other words, as far as their twisted 
little games they play with their Jgved 
ones. Jerry asking, “What моу Аун 
say to your loved one,” and ay, 


“I don't know. I pass,” lik But 
this one guy Kevin who's these 
places plenty, he looks atflis yife when 


t cO out with 
®ve you," he 
r and he was 
ed at him and 
looked at him like 
her to jump from 
save herself, but she 
e say something real. 
bout these people," 
Топ" give a damn about 
cept that I love you." “I 
Оо,” she said, “Baby, I love 
” and while we all watched, 
mean Grandma too, this couple 
embracing and crying for about 
minutes. I don’t know how much 
bng-run good it does to be doing that, 
but I tell you this, it certainly livens up 
the Family Day when you see that kind 
of thing happening, it just keeps the 
whole thing fascinating. So I was going 
to tell you about Grandma. Jerry there, 
they call him the counselor or facilita- 
tor, Jerry, at the start of the session, 
he comes out with a pretty harmless 
lecture about how the booze isn’t any- 
body’s fault, it might be in the genes, 
in the blood, inherited. Grandma's sit- 
ting there like Sunday school with her 
hands in her lap for I'd say one and 
one half hours, never a peep until I 
notice she’s cutting her eyes at Jerry, 
I mean they're down to burning slits, 
man, and right in the middle of some- 
body else’s stuff she just lays into him 
with something to the effect of “Jerry, if 
that’s really your name, I think you'd 
climb a tree and tell a lie before you'd 
stand on the ground and tell the natu- 
ral truth.” Jerry’s going wuh wuh wuh 
and she just draws up another lungful 
of this good old California air which 
she always claims is poison and says, 
“Do you mean to say you're going to 
pin all this on me his grandmother and 
on my ancestors too when we are good 
Nantahala Mountain people who never 
should’ve left North Carolina and my 
husband wrote speeches for the mayor 
of Odessa, Texas and our blood’s as 
good as yours and you say it’s passing 
down alcoholic generations like the sins 
of the fathers?” and rolls right along 
with a whole bitter lecture of her own 
about “you've got to stand on your own 
two feet and not blame your relatives 
for your own miserable mistakes” with 
her face three inches from Jerry's. He 
looked like he was ready to go out and 
hang himself. I enjoyed that. 
Needless to say, the subject of Jesus 
came up in this discussion, right about 
13 seconds into it. “The Alcoholics 


it’s their turn and j 
it—he looked at hi 

was looking straight 
sniffling, crying. 
went “I—I—H 
he was t 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com for any further request. 


“Апа stay out!” 


Anonymous is an arm of Satan, you might 
as well get that through your head, and 
shut your trap, and so on.” 

Like I say, they hold Family Group on 
Sundays at two pM. Two to four pm. And 
I'm required to be in attendance like 
I say, and if I don’t have any family at 
Family Group, what's the point? I’m sort 
of pointlessly there. So you're invited. I 
mean if they ever let you out of Dallas. 

Over and out. Over and out. They 
give us Antabuse in here, and it makes 
you sleepy. Over and out. 


PLAYBOY 


Dear Bro, 

I got too near the edge of the ride and 
flew off. 

I am done done done man. Yeah, get 
out your fork. 

You know it will be my 33rd birthday 
next October but in just the last couple 
years I’ve had at least three of those 
experiences where afterward you wake 
up and remember nothing and some 
medical expert is attaching back on vari- 
ous parts of you and saying, “Son, you 
are lucky to be breathing.” 
tting on my bed hugging my own 
self, trapped in the arms of a moron, 
look, I know the one place I can't be 
hunting for solutions is in the mirror. 

But did you ever think that maybe 
there actually is a devil and he actually 
does get his claws in certain people and 
they actually do get dragged through 
the garl bage of an evil life on their way to 
actually going to hell? 

Here's the thing, Luke. Last y 
you how I went to Texas. Houston, Dal- 
las, Odessa, all of that. But I didn’t tell 
you that since then, since the last time I 
saw you and you behaved like an atomic 
shitbomb in the harmless home of our 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com 


dear old dad and grandma, since that 
night when you broke your girlfriend's 
nose in the living room in front of the 
whole family and calmly said, “There, 
I rest my case,” I went to the good old 
prison in good old Gatesville to see good 
old Mom. 

Yeah. I went to see our mother. 

She shrank to a dot right while I was 
looking at her. 

She said, 

I'd take a nap and at some point I'd 
wake up, 

Because I'd hear a dog whimpering, 
and I'd wake up, 

And the dog was inside me, a puppy 

Was crying to break its little heart 
inside me. 

She said, 
father rose a little bit above 
y origins 

But I sank you all back down to my 
level 

“Fujiyama Mama,” 
Remember? 

I'm a Fujiyama mama and I'm 
about to blow my top. 

And when I start erupting 

I don't know when I'm e 

Is that a real song, or dı 
that. UP. 


that was her song 


lop 
make 


and w: 
. Question 
What the 
nk you're don 


letter to God while 
is, God, where ar 


man? We 
HELL dow: 
Where's Su 

When howed up here for 


a deme, sit she took me aside and 
said, "орге surrounded by demons, 


122 


“This is all very romantic, but I'm not in heat.” 


for any further request. 


God has his hand around your guts 
and he is dragging you out of hell.” 
Well, this is the longest ride ou 
I ever heard about, and if I; 
hell, whose meat is that I sr 
God has put his feet up 


the head offa Bud and 
into a nap while I sit O 
stinking on the barpec 

Dear Melanie—y 
met you and he; 
in group abo; 
and your p 
me even s 
about so 
about 


lifted off 
rning and 


ow, I'm glad I 
е story from you 
r daughter dying 
“Wi would have made 
if it was just a story 
son I could only think 
mebody I could only 
ut isn't as hard since I got 
eet you. And hear about it 
use you have a sweet 
y, you're bouncy, smiley, 
, and no matter how 


A you've been knocked around 1 
у you in a light, you're beautiful. 


These last four years have chewed 
several giant holes right through me. I 
thought I was finished before. But that 
was minimum damage compared to this. 

Your fellow inmate, 

Mark Cassandra (Cass) 


Dear Satan, 
I did not enjoy it at your jamboree 
last night. 


Dear Doctor, 

I'm gonna roll a cigarette and I'd like 
to light it and get through the entire 
thing in a state of sanity. 

I did see the devil one time. 


Dear Doc, 

To continue, this woman in group, 
Melanie, she's old enough to be an old 
lady but she's not, she's sweet, soft, 
very easy in her soul, it seems like. 
She starts off talking pretty matter of 
fact—then it's getting to be a regular 
thing, somebody who starts out like 
that suddenly breaks down, full of trag- 
edy—she, Melanie, lost her daughter 
and two grandkids in a fire last year. 
*My daughter was a good Christian 
girl. Two fine good beautiful kids, she 
raised them right, raised them C 
tian." Lost them in an apartment fire. 
Now. Here's one for you Doctor— 

While she, Melanie, slept in the waiting 
room at the burn unit and her daughter 
died, somebody snuck out their hand 
and stole her purse. Took the money 
out and threw the purse in the trash can. 
She found it in the trash can later, after 
they told her that her daughter and two 
grandkids were dead. 

In group the other night a guy just 
like me said, "I woke up in Vegas sticky, 
broke and confused”—a perfect descrip- 
tion of that place, Гуе never GONE 
there, just WOKE UP there. That guy 
was funny. Reminded me of Gary Coo- 
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PLAYBOY 


124 


in the smelly cities that ate the prairie. 
How long was he around, two days? I 
heard he went to the Aces Motel two 
blocks east of here at the corner of 
Fourth, and he’s shacking up with some 
Mexican kid, not a girl, a boy, I mean 
that’s the trouble inside him, he’s got 
two acts going at once, he’s a rope-em 
ride-em cowboy and he’s a happy little 
sodomizer, and it’s shorting him out. 
That's what we gotta do is get down to 
just one story, the true person we are, 
and live it all the way out. 

I'm getting depressed. Depressed. 
I think this Antabuse is going wrong 
on me. You said we'd feel run-down or 
sleepy two or three days to start with, 
but you forgot to say prepare to fall 
down through a trap door in the bot- 
tom of your soul. I mean when I lie on 
my bed in this room by myself I get 
dragged down to a black place. I've 
heard people talking right outside 
my window who aren't there when I 


go look. Around other folks, I mean 
real folks, folks who are really there, I 
feel absolutely fine. They talk, I talk, 


everything appears as normal. Ge 
this room and shut the door behind 
me and Im alone with somebody 
who's not there. It's a feeling I don't 
like, as if somebody's lurking. 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com for any further request. 


Dear Friends and Neighbors in the 
Universe 
Dear 
Guide, 

I think I need to tell you I am totally 
out of Kools. Some kind person has do- 
nated a whole can of Bugler that we can 
roll out of, but I tell you what, Bugler 
smoke burns like fire from your lips on 
down to the pit of your lungs. So—if you 
brought me a couple packs of my brand. 

Know what I mean? Kools. 

I have written thousands upon thou- 
sands of these letters and the reason I 
don't run out of ink—I don't think I'm 
actually writing too many of them down. 
Or any of them. I think I'm just wan- 
dering hiking marching all around this 
room like it’s a small tiny mental insti- 
tution hallucinating. Writing letters on 
imaginary paper. 

Don't tell me to tell them about 
it. Didn't you hear me telling them 
about it? 

Shut up. I already told them. 
about this Antabuse. I think I'm Chyg 
hear the devil. And so, “Get back i 


Playboy magazine and TV 


die. 
That is so Eddie, man. Q 
The: the Eddiest Q iculous 


if you pull th ter up to 


your ear you can hear me laughing at 
them like a cayoot. 


They are a bunch of Eddies agg so ri- 
diculous. 

Flat faces and flat minds. 

Or as they say down along 


through Texas, Fuck all y, 

These last four yeai 
wonder if I didn't gli 
dead and this is 


metimes I 
Tm really 
dy. heaven or 


mt get me to do 


One thing is 
n ight as well shut up. 


things. I don't 

Iam nota 

Where 14 -was the Road of 

d ng dirt and burning die- 

hing burns hot as diesel. 
side run-over squashed 
lead. Devil laughing so close 
veins in his teeth. You don't get 
# ticket says to Texas. He rolled the 
aside and in the cave the mysteries 
а like bats and insects, here are the 
swers to everything, said the devil, like 
JFOs and life beyond the grave. Like 
what was Elvis thinking, what was Elvis 
thinking and feeling in those last dark 
days? Like just who masterminded JFK? 
And the cave was his mouth like a bath- 
room full of stink and his tongue popped 
with cheap sweat. Yeah boy he dragged 
me down to his jamboree. Dragged me 
down through the toilet formerly known 
as my life. Down through this nest of 
talking spiders known as my head. Down 
through the bottom of my grave with my 
name spelled wrong on the stone, Stand- 
ing on his stump shouting jive. Jest get a 
whiff of sulphur and wet fear 

Come breathe these rank aromas for 
the purposes of course of scientific inqui- 
ry alone! The mayor is inside already! 
me! It's all respectable! Satan says 
The gamblers shake the dice and shake 
I the gamblers, snake eyes in Paradise! 
Satan shouts You know who Judas was? 
He worked for me I run the jamboree 
and Hollywood and Vegas and start all 
the wars, vampire breather of the baby's 
breath, I the worker of the strings to 
jerk the fools dancing at my hellhole 
hoedown jamboree, glue-huffers, jelly- 
rollers, paint-suckers, bikers, truckers, 
cowboys, teachers, preachers, about a 
million hipsters hooked on dope, shaky 
alkies with their nerves burned up, Hey 
God where is you you ain't nowhere, we 
search for some faint signal from your 
power.... All that just now, right now, 
while I’m writing it down. 

Not yer boy, 

Cass 


Dr so-and-so, 

I forget your name. Listen to me. I can't 
get this across to anybody in this ridicu- 
lous pathetic excuse for a rehab but 1 
have to tell you I think this Antabuse you 
gave us is backfiring with some serious 
side effects. I lie on that bed over there 
and my mood goes black and then I can 
feel my mind, my actual mind, pulling 


itself in two, I hear the devil laughing, 
and I hear him ordering me to kill peo- 
ple. Don’t worry, he’s been running me 
all my life but he can’t tell me straight- 
out what to do, there’s no way I would 
ever take a direct order from anybody, 
that’s why I never went into the militar 
But if you read the papers you see every 
day where somebody just jumps up and 
chops the baby’s head off, and I have to 
tell you there's been some of that in my 
very own family. My mother when I was 
four years old went psycho herself and 
has been in prison for 28 years in Gates- 
ville, Texas, and prison has not in any 
way reformed her. She should've gotten 
out by now, but she won't behave and 
they just keep adding on 

Last week here 
in number 8 I 
had a train-jumper 
wino roommate 
with slashed-up 
shoes and a tattoo 
on his arm said EAT 
FUCK KILL. That was 
his complete state- 


ment. Never said 
hello, never said 
good-bye. Never 


took off his shoes. 
Here two days and 
then up and gone. 
He was all hate. 
I've got to get so- 
ber or ГІ get that 
way where every 
breath you breathe 
just stinks and it 
only takes one min- 
ute in a new 
before you'r 
enough to leave. 
Hang out one soli- 
tary day and then 


town 
mad 


www.pla 


you're off again on 


a freight car waving 
your middle finger 
in the air. When the 
devil gets that last 
hook in your heart, 
then he starts yank- 
ing you town to 
town. My grandma 
tells the truth about 
the devil. Well, all right, w he says 


“the devil's pulling on ou" Y sounds 
like somebody's ага tins but 
when it's happenin yu it's snakes 


crawling into every 'e and you can't 
move to stop then mg in. 

My sponso "ornfield dropped 
around finall a box of my stuff, 
not much, a 3 box and the contents 
inside stillfrattled. He gets his cigarette 


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going st g here in this room, room 
8, log round like he invented the 
ple е AA guys are faking about 
вор nt of it, but let's just hang on to 


the truth, they're clean and sober and 
I'm the one woke up moaning with his 
head in the toilet not two weeks back. I 


lail to notemart@gmail.com for any further request 


think to see me here made him sad, but 
he won't show pity. Not allowed. 

I told him I feel like I might be Jesus 
Christ and the devil is sending me mes- 
sages, and he said, “You can't be the 
Second Coming, cause Lam.” 1 think it 
was a joke, but Гуе lost my talent for 
humor, it scared me when he said it, 
everything they say sounds very deep. 
Their voices sound like they're echoing 
out of eternity. 

Let's just face the music and the facts 
Somebody's going out of my mind. 

Your patient at the Starlight, 

Mark Cassandra (just call me С 


;ass) 


To dr in charge of Antabuse com- 
plaints: Meanwhile, all these people in 


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group, I hate them. Maybe oh well some 
ofthem aren't so bad, I don't know which 
ones though. Okay I like so-and-so. First 
several days I was here she was like a ro- 
bot in group. Carolina that’s her name. 
Changed her shirt and pants but never 
varied her stuff otherwise. This was Lin- 
da's group, afternoon group, each time 
Linda says how do you feel Carolina, 
what’s your story Carolina, and every 
time she gives back the same speech, you 
could make it into a song, same thing 
over and over the first five days, not bad 
looking, about 40 or 45, kind of chubby 
but in a sexy way, made herself up just 
right, like a doll, every morning. Like 
this is the Riviera Rehab, man. And she 


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wore these middle-age-type big-enough 
shorts but these white little-girl patent 
leather shoes. Singing her so 
husband left me in 1986 wit 
from the firm he worked 
me flat, and every morni; 
15 years I wake up a 
those two and I get 
inside my stoma 


the last 
Ink about 
way way down 
EV morning for 
15 years. Most mg „Фо tell you the 
truth, I have to vof bout it.” Woman 
in charge, һа Ы? “You mean you 
feel angry. not angry, I’m just 
a little disgu the behavior.” Every 
day Linda You mean you feel an- 
gry.” “В not angry, Linda, and I 
don't bel ou've heard me, for you 
kee sg that question.” Finally 
she says, “Linda, 

AM NOT ANGRY 
LINDA YOU FUCK- 
IN CUNT-FACE 
BITCH WHORE 
and so on, scream- 
ing to bring back El 
vis while ripping out 
of the room. Down 
the hall and clear 
across the court- 
yard screaming like 
an F-16. She's gone 
and we're all sitting 
there in that room 
shocked deaf dumb 
and blind like it was 
lined with foam rub- 
ber, it was that si- 
lent, I’m telling you, 
I mean we were as 
shocked as if she'd 
just blown herself to 
bits before our eyes. 


“HOM COAST TO COAST 


Well, I assumed we 
all assumed what 
I assumed, that 


she'd never be back, 
she'd keep march- 
ing through the 
gates and out to the 
bus to come 
along or stick her 
thumb out, one of 
those, and be gone 
gone gone. Like my 
roommate EAT FUCK 
KILL But the very next morning here" 
Carolina sitting in her usual chair, acting 
oblivious, and I have to say, her eyes were 
so much light, like somebody's put two 
suction cups on the sockets and sucked 
out all the dark and sadness, she looked 
like a normal human. “Now to get to the 
truth,” she said, "Hey everybody, I was a 
whore in Denver before I got married, at 
Madam yette's, for almost six years, 
for five years and seven months, till tech- 
nology and the Mob ruined the business 
with credit cards and massage parlors, 
and then I got married, and now I'm 
divorced, and I don't know what else 
to say. I didn’t want to face how I felt 
about my husband and that bitch of his. 


125 


PLAYBOY 


126 


I feel a lot better now that I know I hate 
those two for running off and sticking 
me with the tab for the rent and phone 
and the whole middle-class life. I think 
they live in Mexico. I hope they get a 
few diseases that make them miserable.” 
Big smile. Having fun. Ready to cut the 
cake. You just figure she’s gonna do the 
deal and make the program and she’s 
turned all around. 

I mean that's how it is. Group therapy 
isn’t some gigantic mystery. We alkies are 
just a tangle of lies like the insides of a 
golf ball. You start cutting into one little 
rubber band in that mess, like how do 
you really feel about your husband shaft- 
ing you, and the whole ball starts unrav- 
eling and whizzing around the room. 

Next thing you know, "I was a whore if 
you want the damn truth." Giving us the 
uncensored story without any masks. “I 
worked in madam so-and-so's establish- 
ment of sinful delights." She spent her 
whole 20s in this old-fashioned place in 
Denver with a piano and a madam stroll- 
ing around joshing with the clients. 

Now look look look look look. I know 
we're here to get honest. And I feel I've 
been doing it the last few months, even 
before I landed here again, but I still 
don't see Mr. AA Breakthrough in the 
mirror. I see something lurking over 
my shoulder. You know who it is. De 
been talking to me. Telling me to kill е 
erybody in here. Laughing. I hear these 
things clearly but I still fee 
Do you get me? 1 АМ SANE. OVE 
OUT. Like I know I shouldn't be hear 
ing these things, so what is the cause? 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com for any further request. 


Am I torching out on Antabuse? Why do 
I think I might be Jesus Christ and I'm 
supposed to come here and suffer, really 
suffer, suffer past your most excruciat- 
ing fantasies of torment and why do I 
think everybody's looking at me because 
they know this about me? Why does the 
radio seem to know what I'm thinking 
and pick up the conversation right in 
the middle of my thoughts when I pass 
the window in Jerry's office and he's lis- 
tening to the news? I say I’m not killing 
anybody, Satan, and the radio says, “The 
president's order has been disobeyed.” If 
Lam Jesus and I'm going to hell, then I 
want you to say so, you're the one I'm 
asking, Dr. Whatsyername, and if I'm 
not, then I want you to get me off these 
pills bec; re obviously running 
me the wrong way. They're supposed 
to make me shy of alcohol, not com- 
pletely unable to think. 

I don't feel like Mr. AA Breakthrough. 
I don't feel like hey now give me a gre: 
big hugas we trudge that Road to Ha 
Destiny they talk about at the meetir 

But I do feel kind of pleasant cc 
plating that woman Car 
my mind is quiet at least for a c 
onds, at least for the last few р 
roll-em. Га like to get thry 
cigarette without thinking 
remember my previ 
goal right now is to р 


e 
pH this 
whole 
N. I don't 
5 but the 


Still me. 
so what's the 
Mark Cassa 


"I don't mind the extra security measures, but I wish 
they'd turn off the air-conditioning." 


Dear Dr. Cusa, 
Thanks for taking me off the Anta- 
buse. Every hour I feel more 


the ground. I don't know why n't 
have the balls to just stop taka with- 
out your say-so. It’s like I 1 don't 
know what's good for mı last four 


years. Wow. Thanks foftağıng me off 


that stuff. The world has тп saved. 
PO 


Dear Satan, 


You think 1 dig cognize you that 
time? 


It was oi of Harold's Tavern 
downtown three four minutes 
ago. Com nto the street right after 
Happy kactly at the moment the 
sun 


T is. Guy leaning up against 
u hı an alley with his knee bent 
SEA с of his foot against the wall like 


sed to do, we kids who thought we 


a: so tough. 
What do you want? I said. 


All of you is mine already, he said. 
So what difference does it make what I 
want? 

I said, Are you a messenger of God? 

Worse, he said. 

Tasked him, What could be worse than 
a messenger of God? 

Basically the problem was I knew 1 
had done things I would have to pay for. 
I felt I had done things I would have to 
pay for. 

Then I went inside the monster hotel 
and the desk clerk was complaining to 
some people. He showed us the money 
that guy had just paid with. He'd pasted 
the corner of a 20 onto a $1 bill. And 
Satan, that was you. I mean, that’s who 
Satan is, you're a phony, can't even come 
up with 20 bucks for a box and a bunk 
at the Savoy. 


Dear Satan, 

Yeah, they took me off the Antabuse. 
That Antabuse was your last thing. Well, 
it didn't work. Everybody thinks you're 
just this amazingly cool cat in a striped 
suit in a ragtop Caddy suckin on a cell 
phone, licking fire from your fingers, 
plotting the downfall. Pulling on the 
strings. But you got no strings. Not one 
of these strings from my heart hooks 
leads off to your evil hands. 

These hooks leading out from my 
heart to the hearts of people who you 
don't deserve to hear the mention of 
their names. Leading out from my heart 
to the hearts of people I love. So get outta 
my Caddy, Daddy. Ain't neither one of 
us driving this thing. Who's driving it is, 
and I feel like a genuine pussy saying it 
but, a Power Greater Than Myself. 

Mark Cassandra, a more or less Christian 


Dear Brother John, 

John, I'm gonna come and see you— 
are you in a regular prison yet? Or 
do they have you drooling on a ward 
somewhere? 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com for any further request. 


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PLAYBOY 


128 


Dear John the Strangest of All Us Cas- 
sandras, 

And oh say there incidentally I do 
mean it—you're the strangest of all us 
Cassandras, more than Dad, more even 
than Mom in prison. More than me too 
don’t matter how many times they shoot 
me. More than Bro, but just by a hair. 

I'm writing letters to everybody I can 
think of. You and Bro are getting a little 
ink here. May the cops never catch him, 
and now that you’re caught may they 
treat you gently and release you in the 
near future. I’m writing letters to each 
опе of you lucky winners who has a 
hook in my heart and a string leading 
into yours. Every time your heart beats 
I can feel a little jerk, just a little some- 
thing. Whether you like it or not, that's 
love. Love for the idiot grandma, Love 
for the medicated father. Love for the 
brother on the run and for the broth- 
er and the mother in prison in Gates- 
ville and Huntsville. May the visions 
of your heart be blessed. That's what I 
heard a preacher say on TV the other 
day. May the blessings of the sun and 
the rain find us out. 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com for any further request. 


Love for the sister who should divorce 
us all. Love for sister Marigold who 
should divorce us once and for all. 

Not sitting down, not writing with pa- 
per and pen, just pacing back and forth 
like a wolf in a zoo, just writing with the 
fire in my mind. 

Spent awhile there thinking convinced 
believing that with the proper induction 
of chemicals I could be a cross between 
James Bond and Jesus Christ. 

I believe you and Marigold were the 
two of us not to get mixed up seriously 
with substances. She's turned out so gold- 
en. Then you on the other hand. Well, 
it’s not like the induction of chemicals is 
required. A few bad days on Planet E can 
warp you just fine. And Mom. Whew. She 
sucked in enough stuff to count for the 
whole family’s warpage and plenty more. 
I was tiny but I remember. She used to 
sit there in her blue recliner, snorting 
glue or sucking Sterno through a spon, 


or whuffing spray paint through a s 
And fai 


ng to understand the tele 


ng to strange haltucin Py 
g results. That's al 


remember. To me she wasn't s 


a mother, really, John. More of a sort of 
a story or fairy tale. Kind of a legend. 
Mom in prison in Texas. Kind of myth. 


Mom. Prison. Texas. Finally to 
see her. Had my birth cert and 
everything—they couldn't e out. 
Guard takes me through om, says 


wait a while son, comes 
utes and he says, * 


thing happened. 
got no relief. She's 
al in a white uniform 
ans rooms. Gray hair 
"ick streaks. Medicated to 
fF suicide. It worked too 
ya@deeply content. A freight 
g down on her wouldn't get 
©. Being around her relaxed 
e resting in the shade by a wide, 
ond. She thought Dad was dead. 
at, no, Dad's not dead! He's not? No, 
fom, he isn't dead, he's just upstairs. 
Mostly crying and watching television. 
She says, yeah he never was much good 
around the house. Which wouldna been 
so bad, I guess, except he never went 
anywhere else. Just hung around mak- 
ing up poems and never writing them 
down. What's California like?... Mysteri- 
ous, Mom. All filled with shiny mist, And 
foggy sunshine... God, that sounds nice, 
but oh well, ГЇЇ never get there. They say 
that heaven's a lot like California. What 
is the problem with you bo: Prob- 
lem? Maybe you notice I’m a walking 
talking piece of shit. She leaned close 
and looked at my face. You could see 
her mind wiggling right through her 
eyeballs. Then she had this flash of clear 
light. Said sorry doesn't get it, I reali 
that. I said that's what I come for. 

Old Bro came back to Ukiah last sum- 
mer sometime. Brother Luke hisself with. 
his ass showing through the pockets of 
his jeans and still putting everybody else 
down. I wouldn't have recognized him 
on the street. Га need a flashlight and 
a map to find Luke's eyes in that poor 
sick mean sad face. Came back to make 
trouble for his old girlfriend, did you 
ever know hei ie? Bro says, "pok- 
ing around in her stool for my broken 
heart" Lives in mud and gonna bring 
the whole world down to taste it. He 
wants the world to realize how for some 
this life comes hard, it's all uphill, they 
just get tired, they just get so weary, they 
just want the cops to carry them away to 
that sweet land called jail and tuck them 
into their trundle beds. What I wish is 
that he could come to a place like this 
and hear a couple people tell the truth. 
Once you hear the truth, you remember 
it was always there. It's inspiring, Brother 
John. It's fantastic how men and women 
come out from under these lifelong lies. 
Roll them off their backs and say phew, 
whoosh, long time carrying that mother. 
And the things they tell. The shit they've 
done. The blood they've swum through. 


The fool moves, the lucky chances, the 
wins and losses, all the burned-down 
houses, all the children wailing in the 
storms, the lucky hit at the last minute, 
or turning their back on the hearts they 
broke over and over, or getting busted 
on their birthday, or thinking they're 
dead then waking up with the sun all 
warm on their face, and hitching home 
cross-country in the rain just in time 
to say that one important thing before 
their father takes his dying breath, or 
getting there too late and saying it to 
his grave instead. 

This one speaker Howard had us all 
frozen up, we listened to him stock-still 
for 45 minutes. He started out simple, 
comes out of high school, tries the in- 
fantry, finds the service kind of boring 
without a war. Drinking on leave and 
weekends. Gets his discharge, goes to 
Santa Rosa Junior College. Going for 
a business degree. Drinking on week- 
ends. Itchy and discontented. One 
night, he has this friend who's a cop in 
SR, guy says, ride along with us and get 
a taste. He says two hours into the ride 
I'm feeling like I never felt. These guys 
tell a citizen what to do, he better do 
it. They give orders and they're obeyed 
and I never knew how bad I wanted 
that. Zip into the Santa Rosa police 
training program, then I'm a cop, got 
three girlfriends, one black, one Asian, 
one white, cruising in a squad car all 
night long, kicking ass, busting heads, 
top of the world, man. One year in I've 
got a sweet little wife and a six-week 
baby daughter. Two years in they put 
me on narcotics and vice, undercov 
My job is to hang out in bars and party 
like Nero. Can I do that? Hell, what do 
they think I've been doing every free 
minute anyhow? And will I buy drugs? 

Gee, okay, I'll give ita shot. And How- 
ard, they say, listen, sometimes in the 
course of your duties you will have a 
line of coke laid out before you andi 
the course of your duties you 11j just 
to put your head down there and sı 
up. It’s part of the ride, okay 
Yeah, I say, part of the ride, 
of six months I'm the biggest g 
the biggest dealer and the 
cop in northern California, 
robberies on dealers and dr 
and down Highway 1 
girlfriends and I wad 
one. My sweet ПЫ 
and took my dau 
noticed. The fo! 


ping every 
divorced me 
d I never even 


in little bags and 
turn them in, had $30,000 under 
my bed in a $ box next to three or 
coke the force would never 
up in the afternoon and 

а wreak havoc. I murdered 
9€ I still claim the world is bet- 
without, but I'm not the judge 
, am I? But I sure thought I was. 
I took the lives of other human beings. 
I thought I was God. I looked in the 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com for any further request. 


mirror and said so—looked in the mir- 
ror and said, you are God. When God 
decided to prove me wrong, it all came 
down like a mountain of dogshit on my 
head. They rolled me up and socked 
me with so many charges, including at 
one point second-degree murder, that 
if they stacked them up and ran me 
through I'd be doing time a hundred 
years past my natural death. I'm ly- 
ing in jail and that cell is sucking the 
drugs ànd the fight and the soul right 
out of me and giving it to God and God 
is squeezing it in his fingers, man, ev- 
ery last fiber of my soul in the almighty 
grip of the truth. And the truth is that 
everything Гуе done, every thought 
I've thought, every moment I've lived, 
is shit turned to dust and dust blown 
away. God, I said, fuck it, l'm not even 
gonna pray Squeeze my guts till you 
get tired, that's all I want now, because 
at least it's real, it's true, it’s got some- 
thing to do with you. So then I thin! 
died. I think I died i in à jail. My life 1 ii 


a ghost through d the court sı 
came out with a sentence of 


night 
yer: Squeeze till you В 
Kill me, Lord, I do; } as long as 
it's you who kills Da out eight 
ys ago, and rehg Bart of my pa- 
role. And nothin; ow for 36 years 
on this earth that God is closer 
to me than А breath. And that’s 
all Pll e r want. If you think 
kiss my ass. My story is 
ith. 
‚ me too, Brother John. 
isphe amazing truth. Like Dad 
t down one foot on the road of 
and set out on my journey." 
sketch out the last four years— 
lost, detox, homeless in Texas, 
nin the ribs by а .38, mooching off 
e charity of Dad in Ukiah, detox again, 
run over (1 think—I'm pretty sure—I 
can't remember), shot again, detox right 
now one more time again. Mightve 
been one or two more detox trips and 
humiliating vacations at Dad's in there. 
Shot twice by the same guy. first he just 
grazed me when I was stealing his mon- 
ey and coke, second time he looked me 
up and got me in the shoulder with a .22 
long rifle. Those .22s HURT. I pity the 
folks who get the experience of the big- 
ger calibers. Guarantee you a .44 would 
take the arm right off a wiry sort of guy 
like me. More than once woke up with 
some medical professional saying, "You 
should be dead." 
That's what it’s gonna say on my 
gravestone— 
“I Should Be Dead.” 
Your Brother in Christ, 


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129 


PLAYBOY 


SERUAL MALE 
“My gue 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com for any further request. 


(continued from page 54) 


is the Y chromosome of most living men has spent 


at least one generation inside the testes of a warlord.’ 


female: XX. One of the scientists who dis- 
covered this simple mechanism, in 1905, 
was a Stanford grad named Nettie Maria 
Stevens, whom biologist Steve Jones calls 
“the Albert Einstein of manhood.” It 
would take another 85 years for scien- 
tists to nail down the specific part of the 
Y that makes the man, and they learned 
this (as they usually do) through muta- 
tions. In the mid-1960s scientists found 
two women who had, rather than a sec- 
ond X chromosome, a partial Y. Since the 
women did not have testicles, scientists 
could rule out a good portion of the Y as 
the source of genes that lead to maleness. 
Through a series of similar deletion map- 
pings, including those from XXY men, 
a team of British geneticists pinpointed 
the male trigger, a gene they called SRY, 
for sex-determining region of the Y. The 
gene takes up just 3,000 spaces on a DNA 
string 55 million spaces long. To confirm 
the finding, they injected a female mouse 
embryo with a tiny sliver of Y that con- 
tained only the SRY gene. As expected, 
the embryo developed into an XXY 
male. The discovery was announced in 
Nature, which paid tribute by putting the 
big-balled rodent on By show- 
ing that only this tiny fragment is needed 
to make a male, scientists seemed to con- 
firm a long-held belief that 95 percent of 
the Y is useless. 

After nailing down SRY, scientists 
turned their attention to the rest of the 
chromosome. Beginning in 1999 a team 
of 40 geneticists spent five years ana- 
lyzing a Y provided by an anonymous 
donor recruited шн a classified ad 
in The Buffalo News. The good news is tye 
team discov 
expected. 
about 76. The X, by comparison, 
1,098. What's worse, the Y арр 
have lost so much genetic mate, 
its origin as a mutated X, about 
lion years ago, that tearjer] 
Adam's Curse: A Future With 
geneticist Bryan Sykes, 
ing in bookstores. Give 
rate of decay, Sykes 
125,000 years to liv. 

For some femini 
may someday 
romance. It h 


price 

0 mil- 
üch as 
Men, by 
an Appear- 
apparent 
Y as little as 


he idea that men 
ear has a certain 
‘ome a calling card 
ler A. Marshall Graves 
National University, who 


dismisse / as a wimp because most 
of its including those responsible 
for Production, originate with the 
X.S s noted that several mammals, 


including the Armenian mole vole and 
the Scandinavian wood lemming, have 


130 shown a species can survive without a 


male chromosome. “The rodents are 
leading us into the new era of Y-less exis- 
tence,” Graves declares, and in fact a few 
fully functional men have been discov- 
ered who are XX with no apparent SRY. 
The notion that humankind can survive 
without the Y has also inspired colum- 
nist Maureen Dowd, who makes it the 
centerpiece of her book Are Men Neces- 
sary? “Now that we don’t need men to 
reproduce and refinance, the question 
is, Will we keep you around?” Dowd 
asked during an appearance on CNN 
The answer is y he said, but 
be more ornamental.” 

Dr. David Page, a professor of gene! 
ics at MIT, has been studying the Y 
more than 25 years. It has never be 


complicated and time-consum 
likens the process to compa 
a s of Manhattan thaj 
ement of a few f 
) A slim, gre 


ants and 
s 50-yez 


that his own Y will 
three teenage dau 
recently brough 


"—but admits he 
le puppy. 


lab at the Weg ad Institute for Bio- 
medical PM that the dog will 
be neuter following week and that 
Page h ned her to retrieve its tes- 


ticles Qj event he decides to decode 
the canine Y. 


CU r Graves's name comes 
nversation, Page seems more 
ed than impatient with her con- 
ion that the Y is doomed, although 
the past he has dismissed many of 


ей: шашу more genes th: e pa ismi any 
he bad news is there are Ay her assertions on the topic as “rheto- 


ric and theory unburdened by experi- 
mental data." To summarize her view 
that the Y began millions of years ago 
with as many genes as the X but will 
eventually die off, he draws a graph 
on the board in his office at White- 
head, with the line representing the Y 
continuing downward like a crippled 
fighter plane crashing into the sea. 
"But what if," he asks, "the line goes 
this way"—he curves his marker gently 
to the right so the line levels out—“and 
stabilizes?" That is precisely what his 
research indicates is happening. After 
comparing Buffalo Man's Y with that 
of a chimp, Page and his team found 
that four genes on the chimp Y have 
mutations that make them inactive, 
while the same genes in the human Y 
are going strong. This suggests that 
our Y has held steady for at least the 
past 6 million years, ever since chimp 


and man diverged. In other words, 
Page says, the Y is not falling. 

Even so, no one debates the 
the chromosome has suffere 
ning decline. It has decaye 
that big-screen televisions, 
cigars should probably 
of its shrinkage can I 
how the Y exchanges 
during the making, 
complex process c4 
pairs of chromo: 
cell exchange 
and then are, 
ing you 
ng 93 4 


ributed to 
with the X 

Berm cell. In a 

meiosis, the 23 
Inside each germ 
vith their partners 
r violently separated, 
ly minted sperm car- 
Мпа! chromosomes and 


a uni f paternal and maternal 
gen 'oblem is that when the X 
and together during their initial 


, they can swap genes only at 
bs. Otherwise the testicle- making 
gene would jump to the X, mak- 


Ф: егуопе male. (Fun for a weekend, 
s, but we'd get lonely.) Over hun- 


dreds of millions of years, this limited 
exchange has caused most of the Y's 
genes to disapp: So what has slowed 
the process? Faced with annihilation, 
the Y learned to fuck itself. Within each 
Y is a DNA strand that consists of eight 
palindromes—sequences that are identi- 
cal whether read forward or backward. 
By folding into the shape of a hairpin, 
the strand can replace damaged genes 
in one section with healthy genes from 
another, without involving the X. 

This clever adaptation has kept men 
around, but it hasn't solved every prob- 
lem. For instance, 60 genes that control 
sperm production are inconveniently 
located on the tips that recombine with 
the X, meaning they are sometimes lost, 
which is a major cause of male infertil- 
ity. And the fact that the Y largely keeps 
to itself means it can't sei as a backup. 
The only way a woman suffers an X- 
related genetic disorder is if she inhe 
the same bad gene from both parents. 
But if a gene on a man's X is broken, 
he's screwed. This is why more males 
suffer from such X-linked disorders as 
color blindness, hemophilia, Duchenne 
muscular dystrophy and fragile-X retar- 
dation. There are at least 307 X-linked 
disorders, and each occurs more often 
in men. On the bright side, the male X 
provides a gold mine of genetic data for 
researchers hoping to eradicate disease. 

Men and women both inherit an X 
from their mother, the Y doesn't do 
much besides make testicles, and wom- 
en's second X is thought to be largely 
inactive, so biologists have long insisted 
that the genders are not very different. 
However, in 2005 two scientists discov- 
ered as many as 300 active genes on 
the *dormant" female X. Combined 
with the fact that the Y has more genes 
than thought, this means men differ 
more from women genetically than 
humans do from chimps. It also means 
men and women are hundreds of times 


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PLAYBOY 


132 


further apart than any two races. Thus 
a white man is closer genetically to a 
black man than to his wife. Finally, it 
suggests that gender differences 
thought to be hormonal—how we see 
the world, how we behave, how we 
look, our susceptibility to disease—may 
be influenced more by genetics. 


TRACING THE Y 


The fact that the Y chromosome remains 
largely unchanged when passed from 
father to son interests geneticists and 
genealogists. Doug Mumma, a retired 
physicist from Livermore, California, has 
family tree the traditional way, 
by collecting names and dates, and, as a 
technological pioneer, by collecting cheek 
swabs from 76 men (so far) who share his 
surname. After having the samples ana- 
lyzed, he was able to assign most of the 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com for any further request. 


contributors to one of three immigrants 
who came to the U.S. between 1731 and 
1748, and he also learned that these 
three were closely related but probably 
not brothers. This is an important dis- 
covery if you are a Mumma. Їп а more 
formal study, Oxford geneticist Bryan 
Sykes collected samples from 48 British 
men also named Sykes. Most shared his 
Y, revealing that the same man who had 
taken the name Sykes centuries before 
had begotten each of them. The variation 
in the rest of the samples derived from 
different Sykes ancestors or a known or 
unrealized adoption of another man's 
son, which Sykes estimates to occur in 
1.3 percent of cases in each generation. 
Sykes has since repeated his i 
with hundreds of other Br 
and found that most men who share a 
surname also share a Y. 


“Pm looking for a gift that says, ‘I love you and 


I'm ready for a threesome. 


Scientists have mapped other, more 
notorious lineages. In 2002 geneticists 
completed a 10-year study that igvolved 
analyzing the Y chromosome; 123 
men from 16 diverse popula now 


living in the former stomp rounds 
of Genghis Khan. They ded that 
about eight percent of t| n in Asia 


and a total of 16 gilli en world- 
wide—are likel ESSEN of the 
Khan, who li Ў 12th and 13th 


centuries and wn for conquer- 


ing an area, kj e males and rap- 
ing the most ble females. Genghis 
Khan's eld had at least 40 sons of 


his own; dson in China (Kublai 
ast 22. “My guess is the 
g men has spent at least 
tion inside the testes of a 
cays Sykes. 
broader scale, a team led by 
ael Hammer of the University of 
zona has organized the world's Ys 
o 18 types, known as haplogroups, 
based on mutations that have remained 
stable for tens of thousands of years. 
Theoretically, all these assorted Ys 
originate with a genetic Adam—not 
the first male but the one whose Y 
surv . Hammer believes that this 
Adam lived in Africa about 100,000 
years ago and that his closest relations 
reside today in southern Africa, as well 
as Sudan and Ethiopia, suggesting the 
earliest humans moved north along the 
eastern rift of the continent. 
Companies such as Family Tree DNA, 
where Hammer consults, and Oxford 
Ancestors, founded by Sykes, have made 
a business of mapping Ys for modern 
men. The test results, which reveal the 
haplogroup you belong to and document 
10 to 67 more precise DNA markers, 
can be entered into online databases to 
locate cousins. Because relatively few Ys 
have been mapped, a match is a long 
shot unless others with your surname 
have started a DNA project. Neverthe- 
less, in 2004 an American teenager used 
a genetic genealogy service and a bit 
of detective work to locate the anony- 
mous sperm donor who became his 
father. The boy paid $289 to have his Y 
mapped and entered into Family Tree 
DNA's database of the mapped Ys of 
20,000 other men. Within nine months 
he was contacted by two men with Ys 
that closely matched his. The two men 
did not know each other, but their Ys 
suggested a 50 percent chance that they 
had a common father, grandfather or 
great-grandfather. More important, the 
men shared the same last name, with 
slightly different spellings. The boy 
also knew the donor's date and place 
of birth, so he used another database to 
get a list of every male born in the right 
place at the right time. Only one man 
on the list had the surname, and 10 days 
later the boy tracked him down. 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com for any further request. 


SIMON COWELL „ан page 48 


That's the only thing we think about: Will it make 


money? And not just for us 


PLAYBOY: Who is your favorite American 
Idol singer? 

COWELL: Well, I love Fantasia. And I love 
Tamyra. In terms of pure quality I love 
Kelly. I said a few unkind things about 
her after she refused to allow her songs 
to be sung on Idol, and I stand by that. 
But Kelly's really one of the top five 
singers in the world today. This girl is a 
young Aretha Franklin. 

udging from what you said on 
the show, it’s surprising you haven't men- 
tioned Carrie Underwood, who won sea- 
son four. You told her, “Not only will you 
win this competition, but you will sell more 
records than any previous Idol winner." 
COWELL: I was looking at Carrie purely 
from a marketing perspective. We 
needed a nice, cute, blonde middle- 
American country crossover artist that 
year, and we got it. 

PLAYBOY: So while you judge the contes- 
tants, you think about which one can 
most help the show. 

COWELL: Of course. If they're not success- 
ful on the back end, there's no point in 
doing the show. I'm looking for the per- 
son who will sell a lot of records, because 
then the show will have more validity the 
following year. 
PLAYBOY: Does that mean sometimes the 
best singer doesn't win? 

COWELL: I think the American audience 
has pretty much gotten it right ever 
year. Tamyra was the one instance when 
I felt disappointed. I would like to have 
seen her compete with Kelly in the 
final. It would have been well matched, 
whereas Kelly versus Justin Guarini was 
just a ridiculous mismatch. 

PLAYBOY: Did you see the movie they hl 
From Justin to Kelly? 
COWELL: No, I couldn't bring m 
watch it. I was dead against it. Ф, 
PLAYBOY: Do you think it w 
just for money? 

COWELL: Yeah, I mean, t 
other reason. 

PLAYBOY: Have you Бе 
film roles? 
COWELL: I did a cai 
and realized I can] 
good. Normal] 
in my enviro 
body, going, 
what you're 


ой еа any 


сату Movie 3 
he money was 
ту confident; I'm 
P looking at every- 
a, you don’t know 
.” Then I was the one 
know what he was doing, 
ї mind-blowingly embar- 
| role I'm offered now, for- 
interested. 

j You think Clarkson is fantastic, 
but in your autobiography you say Bob 
Dylan is earnest and boring. To you, is 
Clarkson better than Dylan? 


-for the artists as well. 


COWELL: Do I prefer Kelly Clarkson’s 
music to Bob Dylan's? Yes. Гуе never 
bought a Dylan record. A singing poet? 
It just bores me to tears. And I've got to 
tell you, if I had 10 Dylans in the final of 
American Idol, we would not be getting 
30 million viewers a week. 

PLAYBOY: But is the show only about get- 
ting 30 million viewers? Isn't there a 
point when you think, It would be great 
to discover the next Dylan? 

COWELL: I don't believe the Bob Dylans 
of this world would make American Idol 
a better show—and that’s no disrespect 
to Dylan. Good luck to you; you're very, 
talented. Just not my thing. 

PLAYBOY: If you went to a club tonight 

saw the 21-year-old Dylan singing " 
in the Wi 


d,” what would you d 2 
COWELL: I'd plug my ears and x he 


of the fi ts you signe 
of actors who had sung: 
Brothers song “Unchg 


re just looking 
fame. 
ds of people 
cord, so I put 
5 as simple as that. It 
fey, they made a lot of 
still friends today. No, 
> di it with a 20-year plan. 
you think the Undertake 
was е; have a career аз a singer 
when you signed him? 
: Oh God, no. That was just my 
businessman. If you can sell 
stadium seats, chances are you're 
ng to sell a few hundred thousand 
'ecords alongside that. 
PLAYBOY: Lots of other executives would 
be embarrassed to sign a professional 
wrestler, the Teletubbies or TV actors. 
Why are you different? 
COWELL: I’m interested only in making 
money, for myself and the people I work 
for. I mean, that's absolutely the only cri- 
terion I attach. That's it. 
PLAYBOY: Your only interest is money? 
COWELL: That's the only thing we think 
about: Will it make money? And not just 
for us—for the artists as well. Let me tell 
you, artists are as interested in making 
money as we are. They're not donating 
their money to charity, trust me. 
PLAYBOY: What do you do with all your 
money 
COWELL: Mainly buy houses. I have four. 
I love houses. 
PLAYBOY: Are you extravagant? Is that 
Tshirt particularly expensive? 
COWELL: No, it was probably $100. The 
jeans were probably $200. My extrava- 


to cash in quickly o; 
I knew, 


gances in life are cars and houses. I take 
only one vacation a year. 
PLAYBOY: Okay, we know a gi 
a murderer. And this murd 
pretty decent singing voice... 
COWELL: [Laughs] No! 
PLAYBOY: But you thou O. it for 
a second. Q 
COWELL: No, I didyt! I 

the question. Nog! 
signing murderer 
murderers. 
PLAYBOY: Whog 
COWELL: І t 
murdered 
PLAYBOY: 


laughing at 
(f. interested in 
er people sign 


urderer 
lot of rap acts have 


Га murderer could make 
ey? 
, the truth is I don't need 


f Okay ү you're incredibly 
ut imagine this—— 

ELL: You haven't forgotten about the 
rderer, have you? You're not going to 
t this one go. 

PLAYBOY: It's 1994. You haven't had a 
hit record yet. You have the chance to 
sign a murderer with a nice voice. Do 
you sign him? 

COWELL: Manslaughter I may consider. 
Murder I think I'd have to say no. 
[laughs] 

PLAYBOY: What was your reputation in 
the mid-1990s, when you began hav- 
ing hits? 

COWELL: People thought I was stupid for 
signing the music rights to the Power 
Rangers and the World Wrestling Fed- 
eration. I was a laughingstock. 

PLAYBOY: Did you mind that you were a 
laughingstock? 

COWELL: Oh, I couldn't have cared less. I 
was learning the business. If I could put 
a Power Rangers record on the charts, I 
must have been good. 

PLAYBOY: Let's talk about the history of. 
Idol. You guys had a terrible time selling 
the show in the U.S., didn't you? 
COWELL: We sold Pop Idol to the U.K. on 
one meeting, which is rare. The meet- 
ing lasted 20 or 30 minutes, and within 
two minutes we'd made the pitch and 
were told yes immediately. It was that 
easy. When the show was in production, 
we thought it was the right time to do 
the same thing in America. We flew to 
L.A. and had five or six meetings. I was 
expecting the same kind of reaction we'd 
had in the U.K. 

PLAYBOY: "Simon, you're a genius!" 
COWELL: Well, yes. It was a mistake to 
have those meetings before the U.K. rat- 
ings came in. 

PLAYBOY: Even UPN passed on American 
Idol. What worse indignity is there? 
COWELL: I thought the whole thing was 
quite amusing, to be honest with you. 
Because the meetings were so bad, I quite 
enjoyed the fact that everyone hated the 
idea so much. I was kind of laughing and 
sniggering and making the meetings last 
as long as possible before we'd actually 
get thrown out. 


183 


PLAYBOY 


134 


PLAYBOY: Most of us are hurt by rejection. 
It doesn’t seem to bother you. 

COWELL: I'd rather get a positive reaction 
than a rejection, but it happens. And you 
just think, Well, you don’t know what 
you're talking about, and I'm right. 
PLAYBOY: You've said /dol isn't really a 
music show; it’s a soap opera. 

COWELL: Yes. You identify with some 
people on the show, you hate some, 
and you like some. 

PLAYBOY: Every soap opera needs a vil- 
lain. Who's the villain on Idol? 

COWELL: Sometimes me, sometimes 
Paula. [laughs] 
PLAYBOY: But mostly.... 
COWELL: Mostly me. When people first 
tuned in, what I was saying probably 
seemed a bit harsh. Hopefully audiences 
have become more savvy in what they're 
listening to. I think we've made all of 
America into тиз cs. They know 
about bad pitch and singing sharp or flat. 
And I think that unless I'm just being 
gratuitously rude, which occasionally 
Т am, then I'm making a point people 
agree with. The stats back me up. W 
probably had halfa million people apply 
for American Idol. And how many careers 
have we launched off the back of that, 
true careers? Not many. 

PLAYBOY: How many? 

COWELL: Two, three maybe. Even with 
that kind of mass exposure, it's still 
difficult. All I'm saying on the show is, 
look, it's really difficult if you're good. 
It's actually impossible if you're ave 
Solet me allow you to do something 
your life that you're good at, rather than 
give you a stupid comment like "With a 
few singing lessons everything will turn 
around." Well, it won't. So I think people 
understand that I’m sort of being kind, 
actually. [laughs] 

PLAYBOY: A case of cruel to be kind? 
COWELL: Yes. 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com for any further request. 


PLAYBOY: Have you ever said anything 
you regret 
COWELL: Yeah, many, 
having said that 
PLAYBOY: You'd do it again? 
: [Laughs] You have to go into an 
audition room and say what's on your 
mind. Maybe when you watch it later 
you're ina good mood, but at the audi- 
tion you were in a bad mood, so you go, 
“Oh God, I went a bit too far.” Or the 
backstory comes into the equation, which 
you don't hear in the audition—the sing- 
er's dog died yesterday, he walks in and 
you're really dismissive. 
PLAYBOY: Do you look at contestants and 
think, Oh, you poor shmuck? 
COWELL: Yeah, I think that a lot. I mean, 
the odds are just appalling. I’m actually 
quite happy when a 17-year-old walks 
in and sings badly, I tell them they sing 
badly, and they go, “Thank you for sav- 
ing me from a lifetime of pain.” No prob- 
lem—shake my hand! Enjoy your life. 
PLAYBOY: Are you playing a cha 
on the show? 
COWELL: I wouldn't 
my friends if the pe 
y know 


many times. But 


COWELL: Well, you haggm't asked me to 
judge you, really 


PLAYBOY: Ok: > Q are the ques- 


tions so far? 

COWELL: Int And strange—not 
many people sked me if I'd sign 
a murderer, 
PLAYBOY: 


ealize the show's more 


n 
environment. I can't bear politi- 
*ctness. I absolutely loathe it. I 


“Yeah, I'm the bluebird of happiness. What the fuck is it to you?” 


zone for a while, where I can be more 
real and say what people normally say. 
There's no script and no rehear: 
have to do is play it for real 
sionally I go, “Гуе got noth: 
to say that. 


Tshirts. Do you genuin 
have they become agrad r] 
think (Wed T-shirt thing 
has to go. I saw mı wearing a tight 
black T-shirt ri y and thought I 
looked ridicul û too old for that. 

PLAYBOY: Thy York Times reported 
you earn an $30 million a year 
from Fox at too high, too low or 
about 


hafe a confidentiality agree- 
annot discuss that. Seriously, 
буе to tell you, but I can't. 

+ If it’s more than $30 million, 
jour foot twice. 
ELL: I'm smiling. It was a good deal. 
YBOY: And you work on the show only 
lor an hour and a half a week. 

COWELL: Yes, when the show goes live, it's 
an hour and a half of screen time. 
PLAYBOY: It’s not an arduous job, is it? 
COWELL: No, it's not. 

PLAYBOY: Tue past season was pretty con- 
troversial. You made some comments 
about шн formers’ weight and sexuality. 
COWELL: Whos 
PLAYBOY: You don't remember saying about 
Mandisa, “Do we have a bigger stag 
COWELL: Oh that. That was a bit contro- 
versial, yeah. I'm not excusing what I 
said, but she had left the room. I was 
being a smartass, and it was picked up 
on camera. Under normal circumstances 
that would not be in the show. I was 
uncomfortable about it. 

PLAYBOY: How about the Charles Barry 
comment? 

COWELL: Who's he? 

PLAYBOY: The guy you said should shave 
his beard and wear a dress. 

COWELL: Oh him. 1 thought that was a 
good comment. 

PLAYBOY: You don't think you were bait- 
ing him and implying he was gay? 
COWELL: No! Look, in my view, he was 
gay. Who cares? He would probably 
make more money singing in drag clubs 
than trying to be an R&B singer. 
PLAYBOY: Ah, so you were suggesting 
a career path for him. You were being 
helpful yet again. 

COWELL: Yes, I was. I thought so. He 
didn't. I don’t think there was too much 
controversy about that. I know the Man- 
disa thing caused problems. Let's put it 
this way: I wouldn't have booked myself 
on The View the week after that. 

PLAYBOY: What about the night you said 
Ryan Seacrest's favorite song is "It's 
Raining Men," implying he's gay? 
COWELL: This is continual. We just wind each 
other up. He's one of my best friends. 
PLAYBOY: Can you understand why some 
people were offended that you would call 
someone gay as a way of insulting him? 


COWELL: Not really, no. It’s more a per- 
sonal thing with Ryan, rather than say- 
ing all gay people are bad. You know, 
most of my friends in the world are 
gay, and they certainly wouldn't have 
taken offense at that. 

PLAYBOY: Most of your friends are gay? 
COWELL: I work in music and TV. 
[laughs] One or two gay people work in 
these businesses. 

PLAYBOY: Did the producers tell you to 
knock off the gay jokes this past season? 
coweLt: No. In the first season I made 
a similar remark, and Ryan came back 
with a comment along the lines of 
and your favorite club is the Manhole. 
That’s when someone from Fox stepped 
in and said, “Okay, guys, enough. Calm 
it down a bit.” 
PLAYBOY: When 
did you last see 
Paula Abdul? 
COWELL: Oh gosh 
Two months ago? 
She guested on 
The X Factor. 
PLAYBOY: Were 
you surprised she 
agreed? 
COWELL: A 
bit, yeah. 
PLAYBOY: When 
there is no business 
to conduct, do you 
speak to һе! 
COWELL: Not very 
often. 1 consider 
her a friend. I try to 
look out for her. She 
doesn't always think 
I do, but I do. 
PLAYBOY: Why does 
she need looking 
after? NE 
COWELL: Everyone 
needs looking after. 
I need looking 
after. Randy Jack- 
son needs looking 
after. Ryan needs 
looking after. 
PLAYBOY: That's a 
little bit of a dodge. 
COWELL: Paula is a 
single girl, she's 
an emotional girl, and thi 
too much sometimes. 

one you can talk to. 

Vell, he A. 
at. We are 
COWELL: I think i 
ask her that 

times Lam thi 

In bad times 
PLAYBOY: [pr instance 
actually g tand her 
COWEL 1mes I can't. You're asking 


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it Whig a bad day. 
PLAYBOY: It's a good day because you 


haven't seen her in two months. 
COWELL: Maybe, yeah. [/aughs] We have 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com 


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a very volatile relationship. I mean one 
minute we're like Siamese twins, and 
then we're Tom and Jerry. 
PLAYBOY: Is it sex chemistry 
COWELL: I don't think so, but maybe. 
PLAYBOY: Are you attracted to her? 
COWELL: Sometimes I am, yeah. 
PLAYBOY: People say it’s an act, 
and Abdul. 

COWELL: If you were observing us over a 
two-week period, you'd see it's certainly 
not an act. There’s no premeditation in 
any part of this show. 

PLAYBOY: One conte: Corey Clark, 
claimed he had an а! ith her. Do you 
think there's any validity to that? 
COWELL: No, I’m 100 percent certain 
it’s not true, because I would have 


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known about it. You can't keep that 
kind of thing a secret. 

PLAYBOY: Are you a little bit of a sadist? 
COWELL: A little, yeah. I find other peo- 
ple’s misfortunes amusing, for sure; I'm 
not going to lie. When people come on 
my show and are absolutely dreadful and 
think they're fantastic, there's something 
interesting about the whole process. 
PLAYBOY: That's slightly cruel. 

COWELL: It is, yes, I know. But it com- 
pletely fascinates me. Strange people 
fascinate me. 

PLAYBOY: Why did you walk off the show 
this past season? 

COWELL: I walked off an episode, yeah. 
I'd had enough of Paula and Randy. I 


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thought they were being obnoxious, try- 
ing to belittle me. I felt uncomfortable. 
"I don't need to liste, і 


It was like, 
I'm bored of you two. If you 
the answers, you judge the 5 


me.” So I went home. 


PLAYBOY: Was it a case of Ө" а taste 


of your own medicine? 

COWELL: No, if it had be оге confron- 
tational, I could wwe with it. It was 
more like sniping. 
PLAYBOY: Were t| 


er the next day? 
Randy that night, 
andy and I are very 


PLAYBOY: 
Jackson 


you're taping, Seacrest, 
u go out once a wee 
ve done that since we 
started. We enjoy 
one another's com- 
pany. We'll go from 
a restaurant to a bar 
or club, whatever. 
PLAYBOY: The kind 
of bar or club where 
women dance naked? 
COWELL: [Laughs] 
We've done that 
once or twice. 
PLAYBOY: Do you get 
good treatment at 
strip clubs now? 
COWELL: Fantastic, 
brilliant. What sealed 
the friendship 
between the three of 
us was going to a 
Hugh Hefner party 
at the Playboy Man- 
sion for the first time 
It was incredible; it 
really was. The best 
parties in the world, 
bar none. They're 
every guy's fantasy: 
1,500 girls in lingerie 
who like you. That's 
how life should be. 
Sometimes you have 
to attend a party 
and you escape after 
an hour. With this 
one Randy, Ryan 
and I were like, 
“Two days to go!” 
“One day to go!" “One hour to go!" 
PLAYBOY: Why isn't Abdul invited on 
your nights out? 

COWELL: It would be like your little sis- 
ter wanting to come out when you're 17. 
She's not invited. 

PLAYBOY: What if she wanted to get 
onstage and grab the pole? 
COWELL: She'd be more than welcome. 
We'd even pay her. 

PLAYBOY: We notice you don't have a 
computer in your office. 

COWELL: I don't know how to work a 
computer, and I do not want to know. 
I wouldn't know how to work an MP3— 
what do you call them? An iPod. I 
wouldn't know how to work one. 


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PLAYBOY 


136 


PLAYBOY: It’s shocking that you don’t 
have an iPod. We assume people who 
don't have iPods don't love music. 
COWELL: Maybe that’s what it is. 

PLAYBOY: You don't love music? 
COWELL: I love it at times. But if you 
work at a fish-and-chips shop, it’s 
unlikely you're going to eat fish and 
chips at night. The idea of sitting in 
an audition room for 14 hours, listen- 
ing to people murder Stevie Wonder 
songs, and then putting on my iPod 
so І can listen to more music—it's like, 
No! I can't do it! 

PLAYBOY: Could you go a month without 
listening to music? 

COWELL: Easily. I go weeks and weeks 
without listening to music for pleasure. 
But I could go only two or three days 
without watching TV. Guys reach a point 
in our lives when we prefer TV to music. 
I have six TVs in my London house, 
including a little one in the bathroom. 
It's my favorite time for watching TV 
PLAYBOY: It's often written that your 
father was in the music business, but 
that's not actually true. 

COWELL: Not really. He was on the bi 
of directors at EMI, but the compa: 
a record business, a publishing busin 
retail stores, cinemas and the property 
division. He ran the property division. 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com for any further request. 


PLAYBOY: Would it be fair to say you 
grew up rich? 

COWELL: Maybe at one point we would 
have been perceived as rich. I would 
describe it as comfortably well-off. 
PLAYBOY: What sort of a man was your 
dad? 

COWELL: Га describe him as a realist. He 
hell of a lot; he wasn't the big- 
Very good sense of humor. 
PLAYBOY: Are you like him? 

COWELL: I definitely talk more than he 
does. I probably take after my mum 
more than my dad. 

PLAYBOY: You have a photo of you 
on your desk, and you're still very close. 
She even helped you get your first job, in 
the mail room at EMI Publishing. 
COWELL: Yes, she did. I was working in a 
film studio as a runner. When the con- 
tract came up she saw an advertisement 
for a job in the mail room. She filled in 
the application fo 
PLAYBOY: Are you a bit of a mama's boyg 


mother 


a mama's boy, but I have 
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were 30 and moved back in with your 
parents. Were you embarrassed? 
COWELL: No, I found the whole thi 


arelief. Everything went—my my 
Porsche, all the things I th were 
important. I had nice foo N night 
at home. I was quite hı really. I 
didn't feel the slightest mbarrassed 


that I was living wi¿h r 
no money and myg worth £7,000. 
Couldn't have care 4 

PLAYBOY: You we) y as confident. 
COWELL: In a ve Way, even more so 
because I thc I've learned a lesson. 


It was m lt: get on with it. 
PLAYBOY: you were a bit of a brat 


asa O) 
cow 


shou 


attracted to things I 
ve been attracted to—smok- 
‘ing, not going to school. I got 
y quickly. I didn’t like the dis- 
pe, didn’t like the rules. 


Ф Have you changed much? 
WELL: A little. I understand about 


rules. I still don’t like them. 

PLAYBOY: Your personality has more 
American attributes than British ones: 
optimism, determination. 

COWELL: Possibly. I've never been shy 
about saying why I do what I do: I do 
it for the money. Here in England they 
think that’s crass or vulgar. But the truth 


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is, 99 out of 100 people do it for the same 
reason; they just don’t admit it. 
PLAYBOY: You're also confrontational, 
which isn’t very British. 
COWELL: I can’t bear icy politeness. My 
only awkward business relationships are 
with people who don’t express the anger 
they feel toward me or the resentment or 
jealousy. Even though it's difficult some- 
times, it's better to be open and honest. 
You call someone an asshole, he calls you 
an asshole, whatever. 
PLAYBOY: And if someone calls you an ass- 
hole, you're not bothered by it. 
COWELL: I don't lose sleep over it. I'm 
not in the liking Simon business. It's not 
what I do. 
PLAYBOY: Actually you may be in the dis- 
liking Simon business. 
"min the reality business. At this 
stage it’s not important whether people 
like or dislike me. I'm more interested in 
whether they're listening to me. 
PLAYBOY: You don't have a frail constitu- 
tion or tender ego. 
COWELL: I’m not fragile, no. Everyone 
thinks I must be very egotistical to do 
what I do, and maybe I am. But I'm 
quite happy for people to poke fun at 
me. Certainly in a lot of the shows I'm 
involved with I have the ability to stop 
myself from looking ridiculous, but if I 
think it's the right thing for the show, 
I'm happy to keep that in. 
PLAYBOY: In 2004 you created a show 
called The X Factor in the U.K. Your Amer- 
ican Idol partner, Simon Fuller, sued you, 
claiming the show was an imitation of. 
Pop Idol. So here's a theory: You started 
X Factor in order to have more leverage 
in your negotiations with Fuller about 
American Idol income. 
COWELL: It was a lot to do with that, yeah. 
There were reasons, which I won't go 
into, for which I did have to give myself 
more leverage. So I took a risk, which 
Jan I make a show as successful as 
The downside was that if it failgdé 
then I'd have had nothing to do wit 
success of Idol. The upside was thal 


could make another show as succes; 
Idol, I'd be in quite a strong p 
PLAYBOY: Your contract to he dol 


had expired, right? 

COWELL: It was up. I did 
record rights beyond four y 
it very clear that unless уе t 
rights Pm not doing t w. 


PLAYBOY: So you thre; Fuller a little. 
COWELL: No, I didu faten him. I just 


thought, I've gol ven things up. It 
wasn't a threai 

PLAYBOY: The аига settled out of court. 
What did you п the agreement? 


oth got disarmament, I guess. 

1 rights, going forward, and 

е a commitment to continue 

id not put X Factor on in Amer- 

i je both came out a bit happy. 

PLAYBOY: Did a harsh word ever pass 

between the two of you? 
COWELL: Not really. 


ave the 
I made 
record 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com for any further request. 


jot really" isn't quite the same 
thing as “no.” 

COWELL: I was a bit bothered when his 
lawsuit said Га stolen, because I don't 
steal. Other than that I slept very well. 
PLAYBOY: So if you didn't steal, what did 
you do? Borrow? Reinterpret? 

COWELL: I just did my own version of. 
a talent show, in the same way we did 
our version with Idol. No one can own 
talent shows. 

PLAYBOY: Now that you're signed for 
another five years, make a prediction: 
How long will American Idol last? 
COWELL: God, I wouldn't have a clue. If 
everyone continues to get on well, we 
could do it for another 10 years. 
PLAYBOY: Will Idol outlive us all? 

COWELL: A few years ago I said to Fox, 
"Because you've scheduled us only once 
a year, maybe you have the musical 
Super Bowl.” It's a big annual event you 
look forward to for two to three months 
before its return. It's not on all the tim 
so people may not get bored with it, 
PLAYBOY: You have several other 5 

that have been on the air in t 
recently: Celebrity Duets, America 
and America’s 
shows just 
COWELI 


I Hate You 
Thompson? 
if I've heard that. 

like to hear it? 
rod, why not? [listens to 
of the song on his stereo] 
ng song I've heard i 


Simon Cowell! 
COWELI doi 
PLAYBOY: Woú 


COWELL: Oh 
about 30 sc 
> 01 


YBOY: Your girlfriend is Terri Sey- 
our, a reporter on the TV show Extra. 
What attracted you to her? 

COWELL: There's something I call the day- 
time test. If you take a girl out at night, 
it’s a breeze. You can drink; it’s dark. 
The daytime is a whole new area. She 
passed the daytime test. 

: How long have you been 


tionship, by a mile. 
PLAYBOY: Usually people who come from 
a happy family want to get married and 
have kids. Why not you? 

COWELL: I don't know, actually. It all feels 
a bit grown-up, doesn’t it? 1 don't think 
I would be great marriage material. I 
don't think I'm that reliable. 

PLAYBOY: Are you faithful? The British 
tabloids reported last summer that you 
were having an affair with a 21-year-old, 
who had been photographed leaving 
your house in the early morning hours. 
COWELL: No, I don't want to discuss 


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PLAYBOY 


138 


that. Гуе never spoken about tabloid 
stories, all that kind of stuff. I don’t 
want to go there. 

PLAYBOY: Okay. Seymour has said, “Women 
are just desperate to get near him.” 
COWELL: Maybe one or two, not many. 
PLAYBOY: In the course of the show, have 
you been propositioned? 

COWELL: Probably, yes, while we're on the 
road, doing auditions. Funny enough, it's 
y a mother rather than a contestant. 
PLAYBOY: What does that prove? 
COWELL: It proves I’m getting on a bit, 
that's what it proves. [laughs] 

PLAYBOY: Don't pretend you don't recall 
the details. What happened? 

COWELL: One mother from an early season 
made it quite clear what was on offer. I 
can't remember the city, but she collared 
me in the corridor and said, “I'd like to do 
this, this and this." And she was attractive. 
PLAYBOY: Let's say you had a free pass 
to sleep with any contestant from the 
show. Who would it be? 

COWELL: I don't think any of them have 
been that cute. The only one I had a 
crush on wasn't a contestant; she was a 
contestant's auntie. Which sounds odd, 
I know. But if you met the auntie, you'd 
understand. It was—Christ, what's her 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com for any further request. 


name? Season one, dark hair, spoke back 
to me, wasn't that good a singer. Ryan 
Starr was her name. Anyway, her auntie 
turned up. “Who the hell is that? 
PLAYBOY: No sexual interest in Carrie 
Underwood? 

COWELL: No. 

PLAYBOY: Fantasia? 

COWELL: No, no, no, no, no. 

PLAYBO' ау Aiken? 

COWELL: Give me a break. With one or 
two of them you think, You're cute. But 
I can’t say any of them is my type. I like 
them older and a bit more vampy. If you 
saw Ryan Starr's auntie, that is much 
more my type. 

PLAYBOY: Before Seymour you dated 
some strippers. What's the appeal? 
COWELL: Well, who wouldn't want to date 
a stripper? I mean, this is a girl who's 
comfortable taking her clothes off in 
public. Fantastic. 

PLAYBOY: There is the jealousy factor. 
While you're at a movie, she's dancin, 
naked in front of a bunch of gu 

COWELL: Number one, it would. 

me. Number two, I don't think 17 

long relationships with s k 
ve had flings—that's prol 


"You surprise me, Doctor. I thought you were only an ear, 
nose and throat man." 


PLAYBOY: If we tested you, what drugs 
would we find? 


COWELL: Imitrex, which I tgke for 
migraines. 

PLAYBOY: That's it? You've even 
smoked pot? 

COWELL: Once at a party ш lgo, but I 
didn’t like it. I don’t dri t. I smoke 


too many cigarettes, bu N 
big vice. Dike ts ye 
PLAYBOY: Any in м) in giving up 


cigarettes? 


g this right now. 
ving it. By banning 
€ made it worse for 
¢ when you fly you're in 
ube. They used to suck 
and pump fresh air in. 
you have a germ phobia? 


c A little bit, yes. On a plane, 

y got 300 people around you for 
ours. It's like, Oh Christ, this is 
good. 


YBOY: Would you wear a mask dur- 
ng a flight? 
COWELL: I would be quite happy to 
wear a mask. In fact, 1 bought one 
once. Then I thought, I'm turning 
into Michael Jackson. 
PLAYBOY: Where do the migraines come 
from? 
COWELL: From stress, not eating or sleep- 
ing properly, those kinds of things. 
PLAYBOY: Is it possible you have migraines 
for other reasons? Are there things in 
your life you're not happy about? 
COWELL: I'm quite happy at the 
moment, but every hour I go through 
some sort of anguish. Usually over 
failure—things don't meet your expec- 
tations, they don't do as well as you 
want, other people do better than you. 
All that stuff bothers me. 
PLAYBOY: Have you had plastic surgery? 
COWELL: No. 
PLAYBOY: That's an honest answer? You 
haven't done anything? 
COWELL: I have veneers on my teeth. 
They were a godsend. I had Botox three 
years ago. Everyone tried it when it first 
came out. People ask if I dye my hair. 
No. Have I had plastic surgery? No. 
PLAYBOY: In 2002 you were voted one of 
the sexiest men alive by People magazine. 
COWELL: I wasn't. 
PLAYBOY: You were. You got no enjoy- 
ment out of seeing yourself in the same 
pages as Brad Pitt? 
COWELL: I got one major piece of enjoy- 
ment. 
PLAYBOY: What was that? 
COWELL: Ryan Seacrest wasn't chosen. 
[laughs] Which I loved. That gave me 
total pleasure. 
PLAYBOY: How did you make sure he saw 
a copy of the magazine? 
COWELL: Oh, there must have been at 
least 20 copies in my dressing room. And 
he was very quickly invited in. I had cop- 
ies of the magazine everywhere. 


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(continued from page 108) 
Notorious Bettie Page, and the word notori- 
ous has a bad connotation, but here she 
was claiming that notorious can have a good 
connotation. Га like to knock her on her 
head. I don’t want to hear anything about 
it. I don't go to the movies nowadays. I 
think most of them are full of cuss words, 
filthy talk and sex, and I've hated cursing 
all my life, and God hates it too. I watch 
my good old movies on TV. 


О12 
PLAYBOY: This wasn't your first unhappy 
experience with Hollywood. Weren't 
film-studio executives in the 1940s 
eager to get you on the proverbial cast- 
ing couct 
PAGE: I resisted it all my life. In New York 
I got this call from a film producer and 
went over to his office. He wanted me 
to star in a Western, and he was tell- 
ing me all about it. Then he said, “Of 
course, Bettie, there's one stipulation. 
You'll have to be nice to me in order to 
get the part.” That's the way they used 


PLAYBOY 


to put it. I wouldn't do it, but a lot of 


actresses did. I don't know if it’s true or 
not, but I've heard that even Marilyn 
Monroe went to bed with one of them 
at 20th Century Fox in order to get into 
the movies. If I had wanted to do that, 
I might have been a movie star in the 
1940s, but I didn't care that much about 
it. For the screen test at Fox, they tried to 
make me look lik: 
didn't like my makeup, and they didn't 
like my Southern accent. They shaved 
my eyebrows, put a big wide mouth on 
me and stuck my hair out on the side. 
When I saw the screen test I hardly even 
recognized myself. 


Q13 
PLAYBOY: But you attracted the interes 
other Hollywood studios, right? 
PAGE: I went back to San Francisco, $ 
I got a telegram from Warner Bros 


ing me to come down for a 5с Sr. 
They had seen the test from 2 pen- 
tury Fox and told my agent, “ Bettie 
we'll leave her makeup asit we'll 
get rid of her Southern accel ut you 
know why I didn’t Mu s агћпа the 
time World War II wa: z, and my 


husband Billy obs 
from fighting the J overseas, and 
I had to go back shville with him. 


I didn't even € e telegram from 
Warner Bros. 


Q14 


interesting to speculate 


Rud ng home 


PLAYBOY 


abou jfferently things might have 
tur wet both you and Marilyn Mon- 
roe een stars at 20th Century Fox. 


Did your paths ever cross? 
race: No, never, though she was studying 
140 at the Actors Studio in New York at the 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com for any further request. 


time I was studying acting with Herbert 
Berghof just a few streets away. I wasn't 
trying to be an actress then; I just wanted 
to prove to myself whether or not I could 
really act. I used to love to watch Marilyn. I 
thought she was as cute as a bug's ear; espe- 
cially i in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes, and she 
was delightful in The Seven Year Itch. 1 don’t 
think she killed herself at all. I think it was 
some of the henchmen of old Kennedy. 


Q15 
PLAYBOY: So many men over the years 
have gone crazy for you and still do. 
Have you ever gone crazy for anyone? 
pace: The love of my life was Carlos Gar- 
cia Arrese, from Lima. I met him the sec- 
ond time I went to New York, in 1948. 
We started dating, and I fell in love with 
him. He taught me Latin dancing—the 
rhumba, samba and mambo—and I had 
done only American dancing, like the 
foxtrot and the waltz. When I met him 
and we went to Club El Chico in Greer 
ch Village, a little nightclub he liked 
showed me a picture in his wallet 
pretty blonde and a 
old. He said they were his siste 


little boy. He had an apartme t 10 
blocks from mine, and we sa акі 
love. One night, after in n dating 
him for about four or ths, all of a 


а оп (ће доог. 
rlos. I know 


gig down the steps, and 
me that was his sister and 
p boy in the picture he has 
in his wg She wasn't even listening to 
me, ani was about ready to beat me 
up. I suspect I loved him more than any 


I said, * 
his sister' 


ој ап, because I would never have 
sl a man without being married to 
fut I did with Carlos, and it took me 


ars to get over him. I think I loved him 


N тоге than the guys I married. 


Q16 
PLAYBOY: Did you two ever see each other 
again after that night? 
PAGE: I saw him a couple of times, but I 
didn’t feel the same toward him, because 
he had lied to me. His wife had been up 
in Albany with her parents and the little 
and he'd been going up there on 
weekends. But when he started dating 
me, he didn't go up there. One night 
she heard him calling, “Bettina,” in his 
sleep—that’s my name in Spanish, you 
know—and she got suspicious. 


Q17 
PLAYBOY: As an object of desire for so 
man ? 


have you had a satisfying sex life? 
pace: Right now my love life is nil. N-i-l. 
I was married before I even saw a man’s 
penis. I didn’t even care about sex for a 
long time, I think, because of what my 


father had done to me and my sisters. 
Гуе had an orgasm during intercourse 
only three times in my life. I used to put 
on a big act, pretending I was 
orgasm in order to make 0 
good. I didn't have them wi 
Î had ораны with my 


was a good-looking, 
Westinghouse. I r fell in love with 


him. This one ti ad sex with him 
sitting on the ith my legs spread, 


and I had an m. I found out later 


he was mar; hd his wife was getting 
ready to baby. 
G18 


bm the late 1970s to the early 
jou suffered mental distress and 
vent psychiatric treatment and hos- 
ization for acute schizophrenia after 
had been accused of al stabbings. 
оу are you doing these day: 
PAGE: I had a nervous breakdown over 
Harry Lear's ex-wife and their three 
children, whom I was taking care of. She 
didn't want me to have them. I was taking 
tranquilizers back then, but that was some 
time ago. I think talking to the psychia- 
trist about all my problems helped a lot. 


Q19 


some of the bigger 


PLAYBOY. What ar 
regrets of your lif 
PAGE: My biggest regret is that I didn't 
answer that telegram to be a movie star 
at Warner Bros. My next-biggest regret 
is that I got talked into marrying my first 
husband, Billy Neal, in 1943. See, most 
Southern girls wanted to get married in a 
long white dress in a church wedding, and 
that's what I wanted. But on a Saturday 
morning—this tells you how much I really 
didn't want to marry him—I put on a black 
jersey dress, and you know what they say: 


“Marry in black, wish you were back.” We 


got on the bus and went to a courthouse 30 
miles away, and it was all over in five min- 
utes. I sat there on that bus, thinking, What 
have I done? I think the devil was coming 
into my mind. I wasn't a born-again Chi 
tian then, hadn't received Christ as my 
savior way back then. I believed that Jesus 
had died on the cross and everything, but 
I didn't know you had to receive him per- 
sonally as your savior in order to have your 
sins forgiven. That wedding day was the 
worst experience of my life. 


Q20 
PLAYBOY: Do you have anything to say to 
the men and women all over the world 
who write you letters, emulate you and 
buy Bettie Page books and memorabilia? 
PAGE: I just don't understand why they 
look up to me. But I'm very grateful. 


Read the 21st Question at playboy.com. 


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HEARTBREAK 


(continued from page 76) 
had come out and done pretty well, and 
I felt an enormous pressure to live up to 
it. But what I wrote each day seemed to 
turn to shit overnight and leave me star- 
ing at a blank computer screen, wonder- 
ing what I had gotten myself into. Days 
went by, and weeks and months, and 
still nothing broke. 

Then one night, at three in the morn- 
ing, I woke up out of a deep sleep and 
saw it: another novel, a short one, easy. 
I saw the whole landscape of the thing 
and knew how to get from beginning 
to end. It would be a novel about first 
love, and—if I didn’t dawdle, tarry, screw 
around or subject myself to excess self- 
criticism—I could get the thing done 
and off my desk in nothing flat. I saw 
it. I knew it, with the kind of clarity that 
comes only when you're half dreaming. 

I set to work the next morning. The 
rules were these: (a) put the writing first 
(b) keep this project a secret, (с) no days 
off and (d) no revising and no going 
backward. In a panicky and joyful frenzy 
I charged forward, ignoring my children, 
my wife, my students and my pets. I lived 
with these characters, 1 dreamed about 
them, I drove around listening to Led 
Zeppelin, beating on the steering wheel. 
And I found her there, the girl, the one 
who had dumped me. 

No, that’s not her. No, that’s not 
me. The characters are just characters, 
smarter in many ways, dumber in others. 
with different clothes and different ideas 
and different biographies and desires 
than we had. But in my relentless charge 
forward I didn’t have time to invent any- 
thing except the necessary stuff—the 
lives of the central characters, the shape 
of their twining fates—so I borrowed the 
rest: this friend’s car and this friend’s 
basement and this friend’s father. And 
from her, the girl in question, I be 
rowed a house, part of a mother ta 
dozen bright moments. Writing is in 
remembering, trying to find the pla 
your own life where the emotiag, 


trying to re-create first love I eı up 
reliving my own first love. 

And it was all there: the parts 
and the painful parts, too led up 
in that corner of my braggwher'e I had 
abandoned these feeli verything 


Шепсеѕ were 
ses, with choc- 
h that feeling of 
'eet and having to 
stop and lau use you are loved 
and you are Dliful and bulletproof. 
are mine again, the bright 
the dark ones—without 
, I would never have tried 
1s book, would never have 
ard to understand. All these 
loose ends and wasted emotions came 
together in the novel, Into the Great Wide 


unresolved. The lie: 
jumbled together 
olate and red wi 
walking down 


142 Open, which was my first and is still, most 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com for any further request. 


of the time, my favorite. In the end, writ- 
ing has given me a great gift, one I don't 
know how I would live without: Wri 
has given me a use for suffering. 


IN THE DOGHOUSE, 
BY ALEKSANDAR HEMON 


The end of a marriage always comes 
unexpectedly, even if it is a long way in 
coming. You don't see it coming because 
the pain and misery have become habit- 
ual, part of the grueling daily work 
of being adult and staying married, 
for which you foolishly expect to be 
rewarded. Periods of reasonable calm 
squeezed between destructive fights 
are taken to be happiness because you 
grow to accept not fighting as the goal 
and purpose of your marital union. You 
show and recognize love only in the form 
of trying hard to make up. All that you 
do is a gesture of either reconciliation 
or aggression—sometimes, confusingly, 
both. You never stop building your ca 
against your spouse, ever waiting for, 
opportunity to lay out the irrefutable 
dence that it was not your fault, t 

were the one being hurt. It i 
ending process, restarted an 
by each furious fight. My 
ended at the top of the ип 
unrema 
followed 
pattern that і 
s of sc 
nd. It would 
ast a week 
ything pos 
love and hur 
process, bu 
it all, I rı 
was not 
my wi 
longer 


riage 
fight, 
n that it 


mashing objects 
п followed by 
le guilt for doing 
bereave yourself of 
е other person in the 
JS time, in the middle of 
I couldn't go on. There 
wanted to say or prove to 
thing was worth a fight any 
nothing was worth trying. As in 
$ able, my bottom fell out and 

stant I was emptied of all the 


nd love—it was over in less than 


fe, through a torrent of tears, to her 
mother's and came back to my marriage- 
empty apartment. 

Once marriage ends, what is left is 
dissolution. I decided to move out and 
let my ex-wife-to-be back into the apart- 
ment, so within a week I started looking 
for temporary furnished lodgings where 
I could stay until the mess was sorted 
out. I was eager to leave what used to be 
my home, for everything in it reminded 
me of the marital fiasco. My funds were 
limited, which meant the places I was 
hurriedly considering were rather dis- 
mal. Each of the dreadful furnished 
apartments was shown to me by a build- 
ing manager who despised the people 
desperate enough to live in such places; 
each was a door opening directly into the 
world of thick, gloomy loneliness. One 
studio available in the fancy Chicago 
neighborhood known as the Gold Coast 
looked as though someone had just been 
brutally killed in it and the management 


was considerate enough to whitewash the 
blood-splattered walls. 

After a few days of looking I segled for 
a studio on the top floor of a t! 
building on Chicago's Nort 
The landlady—let us call 
lived on the second flo 
adoption lawyer; she 
tures of happy оуег co 
bewildered by Dd, 
mothers' adoptive 
a nice person, di, 
tions and had 
history, so I д 
on the spot. 


estiny in their 
ary seemed like 
k too many ques- 
erest in my credit 

ly wrote her a check 

k in hand, she said she 


hoped I ind dogs, for she kept 
severa active at a dog shelter. 
Oh, € I said. I used to have a dog 
тузе 1 dog person. Mary, I thought, 


erous, embracive woman, the 
о accepted derelicts canine and 
an. Her place seemed as good as 

for my upcoming bouts of self-pity. I 
nt back to my former home, packed a 
couple of suitcases, loaded them into my 
car along with my stereo and rode west 
into the sunset. 

One of the few tapes in my car at the 
time was Hank Williams's 20 Greatest 
Hits, and I listened to it almost all the 
time. The sense of entering a new life can 
make almost anything seem significant or 
prophetic, and I could not help imagin- 
ing myself as a ramblin' man—the man old 
Hank had written the song about—as I 
drove to Mary's mansion on the hill. 

The signification haze, however, some- 
how did not include the overwhelming 
stench I became aware of a couple of 
days after moving in. I tried to remem- 
ber whether I had smelled anything 
when Mary showed me the studio, but 
I could recall nothing that had irked 
my nose, excited by the scent of new 
pastures. I spent a lot of time trying to 
parse the stench, as though understand- 
ing it would make it bearable. Besides 
the expectable dog shit and piss, I con- 
cluded, there were other ingredients: 
generic miasma, a touch of rank cat lit- 
ter (Mary, it turned out, had a couple of 
cats as well), fetid coffee, a whiff of weak 
disinfectant. Most dominant was cheap 
dog food, somehow tucked inside the 
smell of Crisco, as though she fried it for 
her puppies. 

I thought I could get used to the odor, 
but in fact it was getting worse by the 
day. At some point it was so intense that 
I went to a supermarket on the spur ofa 
particularly stinking moment, willing to 
splurge on luxurious air fresheners. But 
I have always been cheap, and slouch- 
ing toward a divorce made me even 
cheaper—Air Wicks were on sale, and I 
bought enough in green apple and hon- 
eysuckle to offset the reek of a houseful 
of rotting cadavers. For a while there 
was nothing but the sugary scent in my 
studio, but then the two smells merged. 
I had never before known anything like 
the olfactory concoction of the fried dog 


food, green apple and honeysuckle, and 
I hope I never will again. 

I met the dogs after a few days. As I was 
going down the back stairs to the laundry 
room on the ground floor, I was inter- 
cepted by three dogs, all mutts. Two were 
overweight, with wide hips and dull eyes; 
the third was small, skinny and manic and 
was quickly recognized as a humper— 
indeed he instantly tried to fuck my shin. 
Mary introduced them to me, and I am 
afraid I can remember only the name of 
the biggest one—he was Charlie. On my 
way back from the laundry room, they 
followed me, and the moment I stepped 
into my studio, before the door was even 
closed, Charlie pissed at my doorstep. 

Almost every time I went down to the 
laundry room I had to slalom between shit 
piles and piss puddles, only to encounter 
the dogs. Sometimes the trio would be 
reinforced with a new mangy mutt Mary's 
neighbors had dropped off in her back- 
yard, which appeared to serve as a make- 
shift dog shelter. New mutts came and 
went, but Charlie, Skinny Fuck (as I liked 
to call that adorable little creature) and 
the Third One were a steady lineup. 

They, I learned, had distinct, well- 
defined personalities. Charlie was a 
leader, Skinny Fuck was a skinny fuck, 
and the Third One was slow and lazy. It 
was easy to recognize their individualities 
as I lay sleepless in bed and they went 
through their nightly repertoire of howl- 
ing and barking, their voices commen- 
surate with their temperaments. They 
would start their nightly recital with a 
choral piece, often set off by a passing 
late bus, but after midnight they usually 
performed solo, in sequence: The Third 
One kept me awake for a few hours after 
midnight with a steady, slothful yelp, 
Skinny Fuck was as enthusiastic about 
his excitement at two A.M. as he was at 
any other time, and Charlie covered the 
early-morning shift, his deep, lazy voic 
driving me crazy through the dawngs 
which time I was prone to fantasizi 
about canine crucifixion, one at a ti 

Charlie, my nemesis, was the rei 
male of the house, which he li 
me know by sniffing me auth. 
every time I walked past him, 
cating disdainfully at my do 
tioned a husband every ond 
but all the mail was афды‹ 
and I had never seen 
on the premises. It 
anybody—other t 
dubious help pf 


rd any man 
Ned to imagine 
y and, with the 
apple and hon- 
g up with the fetid 
was rhetorically and 
mysteriously nt. I wondered about 
Mary's ming hubby the day I found 


the fro г of her place wide open, 
Chi le roaming the entrance hall- 
wa igh patrolling the borders of 
his Жогу. I had never seen the inside 


of her apartment. Whenever I knocked 
at her door to deliver the rent check or 
ask a question, she would just pull it ajar 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com for any further request. 


because, she said, she didn’t want to let 
the dogs out. I was on my way to put ina 
shift of writing at a fresh-smelling coffee 
shop, but the open door troubled me. I 
yelled, Mary! from the hallway, reluctant 
to step in lest Charlie tear at my throat, 
but there was no response. I could see 
inny Fuck stretching and yawning 
contentedly on top of a pile of laundry 
mounted on the sofa. Mary! I envisioned 
Mary’s partially devoured body on the 
kitchen floor. Cautiously I went in, Char- 
lie close at my heels. To the right, there 
was a bedroom, and from a pillow on 
the bed the mangy snout of an unknown 
mutt stared at me disinterestedly. All over 
the apartment, on every surface, includ- 
ing the floor, there were aged, unfolded 
laundry, old newspapers and coupons, 
food wrappings and stuff whose shape 
and purpose were indeterminable. There 
were mountains of stuff everywhere, all 
melted into a mess that would defy any, 
attempt at cleaning. It looked like one 
those places that would have to be ra 
upon the owner's death because they 
sented a health hazard and coul 
be cleaned. A body could I. 
anywhere in the apartment ¿ 
the dogs pr i 


I ventured deepe 
closely watched by 
who was untrouble: 
if confident that I cc 
ized if I found any 
his domain. A ca 
on the cabin. п, 
two birds. 
in Noah’s 
on the fl 
was a 
and Ti 


fompromising in 
rof cats sat high up 
itoring a cage with 
It ed to me I was single 
Q Third One lounged 
the kitchen, where there 

e crap—unwashed dishes 
rware, more unfolded laun- 


dry and things unknown, the stove bur- 
ied under a heap of pans, the cat litter 
teadily 


I could smell but not see. I wa: 

retching by this point. I une; 

mother lode of the stenc 

were no visible bodies, 3 

wish to investigate furt 

den and went on my w there were 
was going 


things to be sniffgd o 
to let friends age ors and the 
police deal with 1 


Driving to th 
Hank William 
nificant coing 


shop, I slid in the 
and by typically sig- 
, the song that started 


playing w: ve It On Over." I had 
become bsessed with the caninity 
of my I would refer to my place 
ofk е kennel; I would embark 

atic, baffling monologues 


up 


g my dog life to my friends, 
ten asked why I had not moved 
to which I had no answer and still 
n't. I would much too frequently use 
rases like dog days, dog's life, going to 
the dogs, doghouse; 1 looked up the whole 
family of canine-related words: canicide, 
caniculture, caninity, canivorous, etc. I 
could hear a dog bark a mile away. I even 
found significance in the fact that there 
was a great hot dog place around the 
corner from the kennel. It was perfectly 
natural, then, that I could see myself in 
"Move It On Over," the song in which 
Hank comes home at half past 10 to find 
that his wife has locked him out: 

She changed the lock on my front door. 

Now my key, it don't fit no more. 

So he goes to sleep in the doghouse 
and sings, Move over, skinny dog, because a 
fat dog's moving in. Y had been a Hank-like 
man, fully identifiable in these lines: 

This doghouse here is mighty small, 


But it's sure better than no house at all. 


So ease it on over, drag it on over, 

Move over, old dog, because a new dog’s 
moving in. 

Projecting yourself outward until every- 
thing is talking about you is, of course, a 
self-flattering form of self-pity, something 
that I had always been prone to and that 
had, overall, been making me feel better 
in this situation. I had been so lonesome 
I could cry; I had got the feeling called 
the blues; I was a rolling stone all alone 
and lost in love, just another guy on the 
lost highway—I had populated many of 
Hank's songs. I had also been the big, fat, 
new, mad, tall hot dog—I had felt I was 
becoming the boss of my life again, even 
if I was homeless. But the day I entered 
Mary's place and faced the nightmare of 
her life, I had an epiphany: I was a loser, a 
man who was beginning to convince him- 
self that being unmarried, living out of 
suitcases and choking on green apple and 
honeysuckle were freedom. In a horrible 
flash I understood I was more likely to be 
identified with the other dog in Hank's 
song, the little, skinny, old, nice, short, 
good cold dog—in short, I was the bitch. 
When I returned to my doghouse after a 
bad day of bad writing, the door of Mary's 
apartment was closed. I heard her talking 
to Charlie and his nds as they mei 
barked. There was a man's voice too, possi- 
bly the husband. Upstairs I clearly saw the 
negligent lonesomeness that had wreaked 
havoc upon my life. The filth of my new 
bachelorhood had accumulated all around 
the studio: piles of clothes, clusters of food 
containers, meaningless papers and dog- 
eared books, gaping suitcases and shaky CD 
towers; in the kitchen sink, dishes crusted 
with weeks-old grease; fat flies circling like 
buzzards over the table that was now home 
to a nascent ecosystem; in the bathroom, 
coils of pubic hair in the corners, the toilet 
bowl sporting a thick, grimy collar. It was 
clear I had touched the bottom. 


PLAYBOY 


Now whenever I listen to Hank Williams > 
I remember my dog days. I lived at М ¿QU 


place for three long months, travelin 
much as possible. I do not know w 
stayed there for such a long time. Ре, 
I was too stunted by the instan 
gration of my marriage. Maybe 
scribable combination of fried. 
green apple and honeysuc! 

too stoned. It could be that 

sciously doing penance, ex 
ital sins. Or it was the 
became exhilarated— 
euphoria—with livi 


uncon- 
ting My ma 
in me who 
ase of disaster 
"i cliché worthy 


of a Hank Willig g. But perhaps it 
was because I Bos fat once you hit the 
bottom the onff'w3PYis up. Move over little 


dog, because a ЩЙ s moving in. 


As OF LOVE 
e TE WINTERSON 


8: of love loss? 

s are measuring creatures. We 
like six-foot-tall models, hand-size kit- 
tens, outsize breasts, double helpings, 

144 wide roads, narrow escapes, channels, 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com for any further request. 


conduits, skyscrapers, record-breaking 
biggest, smallest, giga, nano. Planet 
Earth weighs a yottagram. 

Our nightmares are built on blurred- 
out-of-focus huge or tread-on-me-tiny 
trial size. We like stories of babies in 
acorns or giants who shadow the sun. 

Love is light-years away, or too close to 
breathe comfortably. We are either so alone 
that the universe itself is a mighty stranger, 
or so near that our pants catch fire. 

Like you, Гуе fallen in love truly madly 
deeply, and like you, I've woken up one 
morning not able to count the cost. 

Like you, I know what it is like to be wet 
through with love. To be so soaked in love 
that no desert day, no solar wind, can dry 
the skin. After love is gone, there is always 
the mopping up and wringing out to be 
done. That’s when we start counting: 
How many buckets? How many mops? 


How many cars, bank accounts, school 
fees, maintenance years is what it often 


seems to come down to, but that is the kin 
of fingers-and-toes measure that 
deeper complexity—perplexity, beg 
it is perplexing to have loved somel 
much that you wanted to spent 


The writer in m me 


exhilarated wiggliving out 

a cliché wor DY a Hank 
Willia . Because 
I kne once you hit 

botto e only way is up. 


Pesta > کے‎ 


of your life with them, and now the rest of 

у, will be something else. 

loss is profound, existential. Even 

never want to see the bitch or the 

even if you would rather 
Even if 


ard арай 


м i 
ng : N Der 
КМ with hyenas than kiss her. Е 

ou would rather clean out the cesspit 


than touch him. Even if.... If you were in 
love at all, the thing has measured you as 
much as you have measured it. 

And what is the answer? Bigger, better, 
stronger? Or weighed in the balance and 
found wanting? 

All the psychobabble nowadays is about 
get through it, get over it, get on with 
your life, as though experience were a 
series of isolated events, connected, if at 
all, by the inconvenience of memory. 

Forget her. Forget him. Forget it. But the 
deeper layers of the self are not amena- 
ble to the fashions of love and sex. The 
only way to get over someone you have 
loved is to forgive them. 

Why? 

When we forgive, all debts are canceled. 
There is no more to be paid. The mainte- 
nance years may go on, but the emotional 
debt is absolved. Rights and wrongs don't 


stack up here. This can't be played as a 
win-or-lose game. 


I know it is played just like that—but 
forgiveness breaks the rules ive- 
ness is anarchic; it’s not s ishy- 
washy peacemaking. Nel andela 
said you can forgive or y n forget, 


but you can’t do both. 

Forgetting is Шке тес drunk. Blot 
it out of the consc щы and it sinks 
down where it ca more damage. 
Forgetting is a li 

You can for; 
keys, but you, 
drove hom: 


те you left your car 
forget the person you 
night, the night you 


both deci stay. 

Our 't fragment in the handy 
post jn Kay of zero responsibility. 
Life bits of colored glass, some 


fe bright. Life has continuity, 
htinuity brings responsibility. If 
an't answer to ourselves, we have to 
er to others. 

here is always loss—achingly so, 
‚hen the thing goes wrong—and what 
is lost for the individual can be returned 
through active energy, not the pas- 
ity of “let’s forget it.” 

Forgetting is a sleep-state, drug cit 
forgiveness is waking up to the real pos- 
ties of a new life—one that includes 
proper memory of the old life now gone, 
and one that seeks to repair harm don: 

Meeting someone else is not the 
answer. When we bounce into the next 
relationship, the first thing we do is start 
measuring—*This is so much better” may 
sound like a compliment, but actually it 
keeps the dead relationship alive. Sooner 
or later, other comparisons and measure- 
ments will muscle in. The old, quaint 
marriage vow of for richer for poorer, 
sickness and health, better or worse was 
a guard against measurement. 

“I have lost everything” is commonly 
heard, and it may be true, and it may 
be necess; "Don't it always seem to 
go that you don't know what you've got 
ull it’s gone?" Love's losses, like love's 
gains, are usually on a grand scale. The 
furniture and the house, yes, but also 
self-esteem and happiness, and on the 
reverse side, pain and misery. No one 
minds losing what they want no lon- 
ger. The one who is jumping ship is too 
excited by a rising tide to worry about 
the cargo left behind. 

But whether we go willingly or weep- 
ing, the consequences have to be faced. 
A huge shift has occurred, and no one 
simply escapes. 

Five years ago I left a long relation- 
ship—I would call it a marriage—and 
although I do not regret the leaving, 
I have lived with the leaving one way 
or another every day of these past five 
years. The toy-town timescale of fashion- 
therapy treats us like clockwork soldiers 
who need a bit of mending before we get 
back in line. But in truth, we are slower 
and need our whole lives to understand 
anything worth understanding. 


Loss in love is not loss as in the stock 
market. It cannot be calculated by simple 
numbers. Loss in love makes poor math 
but good poetry, if you can find it, and I 
don’t mean only in books and plays; 1 mean 
in the heart of yourself. Loss is a prompt to 
find something more, not recouping what 
has been destroyed but reinventing your- 
self against the weight of it. 

Such an effort, imaginative and sen- 
sitive, is what you might have wanted 
from love in the first place. I thought 
love might change my world, but I know 
now that it is better for me to manage 
that myself, so love can be itself. 


AS 
BY GARY SHTEYNGART 
My strange gentle giant. She was a head 
taller than me, a great big straw-covered 
head taller. I could spot her from a kilo- 
meter away—this long Texan gal dressed 
in a tight pink miniskirt and sweaty 
embroidered T-shirt, stepping off the 
train in Rome's central station, all around 
her little Italian men bobbing their heads 
upward, craning for a look at this impos- 
sible blonde in their midst, muttering 
“Madonna!” and whatnot. And there 
I was at the other end of the platform, 
her lover—a short, hairy, overly civilized 
hamster waiting for his monumental girl- 
riend to bend down and embrace him 
and smack him on the lips. After which 
she would start to ci 
She cried right after I met her, cried 
when I left her, cried when she stepped 
in dog shit, cried over the morning’s 
cappuccino, cried over the evening's 
last espresso, cried, cried, cried. I neve 
knew that a stunning 24-year-old Ameri 
can expatriate, who also happened to be 
the daughter of a former Miss Texas (or 
so she said), superbly educated and with 
several languages under her belt along 
with Daddy's credit card, could find t 


world so cruel and distressing a plage Qu: Є. shot she looks as sad а 


But she taught me that suffer 
in at least two sizes, hers and min: 


ng ca 


«y tle; the mouth is twisted, but the eyes are 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com for any further request. 


taught me there was pain even a selective 
serotonin reuptake inhibitor couldn't 
cure. A Texas-size pain, if you will. 

We were introduced by mutual friends 
at a steak-and-bean place high in the hills 
over Florence. She was studying art his- 
tory in Florence, and I was in Rome, 
trying to knock another novel into sub- 
mission. We had 10 drinks the first night 
we met at a terrible bar near the Piazza 
Signoria, and she kissed me as a 24- 
year-old American girl kisses, that is to 
say slowly and without preconceptions. 
A short while later she was in Rome, 
perched over my windowsill, her mini- 
skirt on the dusty marble floor, the Alban 
Hills shimmering in the distance. 

I loved her. It wasn't just that she looked 
like the cool, long blonde on the cover of 
my first novel, as someone pointed out. 
There was a sweetness to her, an ordinari- 


ness, a sense of place. "How's it runn 


stable. 
each other's nipples i 
where to find the “bes 
in Florence. $ 


apart, there were 
ing slowly with hi 
When we were together, 
soft blue lookingg@own at me as she 
draped her elonga те across my 


lesser опе. I though finally stepped 
into something g 
The franti soaked phone calls 


started almo hediately. She would 
take the trag wn to Rome or 1 would 

Florence, and suddenly 
‚ angelic head 
ve me, sometimes smiling, 
ng, always hungry for what 
on I could muster under the 
tances. I began snapping photos 
after the waterworks. In one par- 
d innocent 
ed her rat- 


toddler who has mispla 


hopeful, needy, desperate for acceptance. 
She had a little attic apartment in Flor- 
ence, so centrally located that the 
loomed through the dormer, 
fat Italian pigeons cooing а! 
all over the place. I woul 
book there, and she'd s 
ting away wi 
about dropping ougof hi 
history program gy 
or a stockbroker 
wanted to be my 
Italian friend 
bride. Be ver 
Tt took t 
began th: 
we took 


on my 
urs chat- 


restigious art 
ming a doctor 
mostly she just 
Sposata subita, my 
her. A ready-made 
careful, they told me. 
jes for us to break up. I 
ss during a visit to Naples, 
light onto the Eurostar 
„апа it ended there. Only 
e left Florence and suddenly 
in the Italian capital, where 
distressing voice messages about 
ting, needing, to "hold my hand" in a 
I'm sure the Beatles never intended. 
he invited me to dinner, where she 
undercooked a particularly bony fish and 
then catapulted her sturdy frame onto 
my lap. *You need to communicate bet- 
ter,” she told me with a half smile. I ne 
vously glanced at the door. 

It wasn't all bad, of course. It never is. 
She knew more than most people about 
Pope Adrian IV and the status of women 
in 14th century marriages. She had Prin- 
cess Superstar on the stereo and wore 
an unironic SOMEONE IN AUSTIN FUCKING 
HATES ме T-shirt. When my parents came 
to visit she listened very politely to my 
father's sonorous speeches about Push- 
kin, the mistreatment of Soviet Jews and 
the importance of filial piety. But in the 
end I couldn't make the tears stop. I 
couldn't pinpoint their source. I was like 
some hapless pith-helmeted explorer 
paddling the wrong way down a gushing 
South American river. The falls appeared 
quite suddenly, and then came the p 
cipitous drop. Even the breakups are 
bigger in Tex: 


TIM LOOKING FOR 
РД VALENTINE CARD. 
I WANT SOMETHING 
REALLY SPECIAL AND 


AHH, I HAVE JUST 
THE CARD FOR you. 
(TS INSCRIBED, “TO 
My ONE AND ONLY 


COOH, THATS 
PERFECT! ILL 
TAKE TWO DOZEN 


145 


PLAYBOY 


146 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com for any further request. 


FAMILY GUY Continued from page 94 


"I was presented with an opportunity,” 
s the best celibate six months I ever spent.” 


Says 


contain a piano, but otherwise he hews 
closely to the showbiz stereotype of the 
comedian who's more comfortable 
playing his characters than being 
himself. When the conversation shifts 
to the television show to which he has 
devoted the past decade of his life, 
however, he begins to open up. 

“I was always fascinated by the TV 
animation process,” he says. “When I 
was growing up, Fred Flintstone was my 
favorite character. Hence Peter Griffin.” 
When Fox first approached MacFarlane, 
in 1997, about creating an animated 
series, he was an untested talent, a 24- 
year-old graduate of the Rhode Island 
School of Design who'd gone on to do 
solid if not outstanding work as a pro- 
ducer for Hanna-Barbera, the same 
toon studio that created The Flintstones 
in 1960. “The attitude there was, "Well, 
this guy seems to be able to write funny 
jokes. He can't draw worth a damn,” 
MacFarlane says. “By their standards, I 
think they were right." 

MacFarlane's secret weapon was The 
Life of Larry, an animated film he'd 
written, directed, produced and voiced 
entirely by himself while a RISD stu- 
dent. Though Larry, a 10-minute 
about a slovenly father and his w 
and talking dog, owes an unmis 
creative debt to All in the Family— ) 
is a two-dimensional dead ringer for 
Archie Bunker—it was teeming with 


MacFarlane 


jokes that would form the basis of Fam- 
ily Guy, including frequent cutaways to 
random sight gags, an extended Star 
Trek parody and an unapologetically 
tasteless scene in which Larry, seated 
in a movie theater showing Philadel- 
phia, fails to realize he isn’t watching a 
comedy and bursts out laughing when 
Tom Hanks announces he has AIDS. 

Even in the dark ages before YouTube, 
the widely circulated clip was nearly 
enough to convince Fox executives that 
MacFarlane might be able to run a televi- 
sion series of his own. Granted a minuscule 
budget by the studio, he once again went 
to work on his own, taking half a у‹ 
hand-draw the 10,000 frames of anima 
that would ev rentually become Family, 


sented with an opportunity, 
and I sa 


celibate si: 


At 25 he had alri 
dream of every schog 
notebooks wi 


colleagues 


of him. * s just a little n 
giant says Alex Borst 
faithful wife, Lois. 


doing air in a weird Caesar thing— 


plays 


"That's fine, thank you.” 


George Clooney had done it, so everyone 
was doing it. He knew exactly what he 
wanted with the show, but he was kind 
of unsure about the rest oft d." 
(Another Family Guy staffer а that 
MacFarlane, today a prou ey afi- 
cionado, didn't drink his, eer until 
he was 23.) Kara Vall producer 
who has worked wigh M arlane since 
his days at Hanne MR ra, acknowl- 
edges that even to who know him 
intimately Mack can come off as 
abstracted.” опе of those guys 
whose paren ort of hippieish,” she 
y of rebelling against 
оте very square.” 
idn't catch fire immedi- 
tally unknown series—not 
а cartoon in an environment 
ion shows—and it 

iculty attracting experienced tele- 
n writers to its creative team. (“We 
e the Bad News Bears of writing staffs,” 
.) The working hours were 
uciating, but the show found its sub- 
versive style remarkably fast, yielding story 
lines no traditional sitcom would da 
attempt: Peter becomes jealous of his new 
neighbor, a paraplegic cop; Peter learns he 
is an expert piano player but only when 
he’s drunk; Peter wrecks a local produc- 
tion of The King and I by turning it into a 
musical about futuristic robots. “We said, 
‘Screw it, we'll just write what makes us 
laugh,’” Sheridan recalls. “And that's 
what the first chunk of episodes was.” 

Back to the afghan incident: Everyone 
in the Room has recovered from the sight 
of a highly paid television producer sniff 
ing a smelly blanket for $60, and the Fam- 
ily Guy staff returns to the comedy-starved 
scene of Peter Griffin and his leaky SUV. 
To replace it, other writers begin pitching 
new jokes that would also illustrate Peter's 
revitalized love of the United State: 
he build his own museum of Amer 
tory and curate an exhibit of old TV Guide 
issues? Could he write a fawning letter to 
George W. Bush? (“As a fellow retard, I 
understand....”) Could he sacrifice a goat 
to country musician Toby “We'll Put a Boot 
in Your Ass” Keith? 

MacFarlane, silent for much of the dis- 
cussion, suddenly perks up. He dictates a 
sequence, affectionately ripped off from 


Jurassic Park, in which Peter and Lois 


tie a goat to a stake in their backyard 
hear a terrible roar, realize their goat is 
missing and turn around in time to see 
Toby Keith’s oversize cowboy hat reced- 
ing into the bushes. With laughs and 
scattered applause the Room expresses 
its approval, and when Goodman 
declares, “Moving on,” the scene offi- 
cially becomes part of Family Guy his- 
tory. (At least until the next rewrite.) 


Family Guy premiered in January 1999 
in an enviable post-Super Bowl time 
slot, but it was all downhill from there. 


Ratings dwindled, and over the next 
two seasons Fox would shuffle the series 
from Sunday to Thursday to Tuesday to 
Wednesday nights before finally cancel- 
ing it. When the possibility of a writers’ 
strike loomed over Hollywood in 2001, 
the network hurriedly ordered 13 ep 
sodes, but ratings didn't improve, the 
strike was averted, and Family Guy was 
dropped from the schedule—again. 

“I always knew it was a possibility,” says 
MacFarlane. He claims he took the sec- 
ond cancellation of the show—the show 
he had agonized over and struggled on in 
solitude—in stride, but some co-workers 
remember it differently. “I just thought 
it was a complete mind fuck,” says Mike 
Barker, a former Family Guy producer. 

"You think you have a glimmer of hope, 
that they came to their senses and this is 
going to work. It seemed completely illogi- 
cal that there was ever a shot at its coming 
back again.” For the next several months, 
the ex-Family Guy staff drank a lot, hung 
out in karaoke bars and complained 
about the Bush administration. During 
one such postmortem binge, MacFa 
lane, Barker and a third writer, Matt 
Weitzman, hatched the idea for American 
Dad as a backdoor strategy for keeping 
some elements of Family Guy alive. 

Meanwhile, a series of events were 
conspiring to raise the show from the 
dead. Family Guy was added to Cartoon 
Network's lineup, where it became a 
massive hit. A DVD set of the show's first 
two seasons sold more than 3 million 
copies, making it the most successful TV 
to-DVD release to date (until Chappelle's 
Show came along, bitch). Then in spring 
2004 MacFarlane got an unprecedented 
call from Fox: It wanted to put the show 
back into production. 

“It took me totally by surprise," he 
says. "I thought maybe they wanted to 
do a special or a direct-to-DVD some- 
thing or other. It just hadn't occurred to 
me that new episodes of the series wogd 
even be possible, because no one ‚hy 
done it before." 

Voice actors Borstein, Mila Kuny 
Seth Green all returned to th. 
did many of its writers. Chris § 
who had moved on to writi 
painfully conventional C 
Dear, actually quit his job t 
as an executive produc 
One night not long aft. 
the show, he was wor 
on a Family Guy si 
logue for an apth 
he had name 
I pressed the 
tive Scrotes, 


n Family Guy. 
returned to 

his computer 
'omposing dia- 
morphic scrotum 
tve Scrotes. “When 
D to type in “Detec- 
ridan says, “I got a list 
m a previous script, and one 
ecapitated Human Female 
s when I knew I was back on 


5 its return to Fox in May 2005, 
Family Guy has shown an even greater 
confidence in its comedic voice, not only 
in the increasingly outrageous stories it 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com for any further request. 


HOW 


ro 


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Wolford, wolford.com. 


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Planet: Extreme Condition, capcom. 
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147 


PLAYBOY 


148 


tells—Peter starts his own religion based 
on the teachings of the Fonz from Happy 
Days; Peter returns from being stranded 
on a desert island to find his dog dat- 
ing his wife—but in its willingness to 
take chances on elaborate, seemingly 
random jokes: a shot-for-shot re-creation 
of an action sequence from Raiders of the 
Lost Ark with Peter filling in for Indiana 
Jones, or an animated performance of 
the obscure musical number “Shipoopi,” 
from The Music Man. 

Even if its anarchic pacing hasn't 
always made sense to the masses, Family 
Guy enjoys a large measure of creative 
independence because of its elaborate 
production schedule. Over a period of 
about nine months, an episode is writ- 
ten and rewritten, then turned into a 
rough black-and-white cartoon called 
an animatic (and rewritten again), 
then shipped off to South Korea and 
animated in color (and sometimes 
rewritten again). During this process 
the producers have many opportunities 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com for any further request. 


to tinker with their show, but outside 
interlopers have few chances to screw 
it up. “There isn't any stage at which the 
powers that be can swoop in and make 
enormous changes,” says MacFarlane. 

There’s no denying that the program’s 
newfound boldness also stems from the 
very public manner in which Family Guy 
returned to Fox's schedule—a revival 
cknowledged its producers 
(and its fans) were right and the network 
was wrong. “The feeling we all had was 
we just missed one of the great oppor- 
tunities as a television studio,” says Gary 
Newman, the president of 20th Century 
Fox Television, who had committed to 
putting Family Guy back into production 
even before the Fox network agreed to 
air the new episodes, “It just felt as if the 
show was hitting its creative stride, and 
you hate to see something that vital be 
put to bed before its time.” 

For MacFarlane the renewal was 3 
license for him and his writing staff, 
take the program in whatever off- 


“Hi! You have been preselected to pay us $55 a month and 
get absolutely nothing in return.” 


wall directions they wanted it to go. “If 
something scares us,” he says 

found it's usually a good id 
ahead with it. Some of the і, 
made us sweat the most—thi 


g our- 
selves in the foot?—hav some of 
the most memorable e| 

But the show's yri 
only ones secon 
ingly daring conte! 
ronment Family 


e media envi- 
urned to in 2005 
ckson Nipplegate 
les of the show open 
nposed parental айу 


d without a diaper—are 
icably pixelated to cover up 
tially offensive cartoon flesh. 
torious episode, “When You 
Upon a Weinstein,” in which Peter 
mpts to conyert his son Chris to 
[daism, was pulled in its entirety by Fc 
xecutives who feared it was potentially 
Semitic. (The episode ultimately 
debuted on Cartoon Network and hı: 
since been rerun on Fox.) 

Though MacFarlane clashed with Fox 
over these attempts at censorship, he says 
the network has little recourse to prevent 
them at a time when the Federal Com- 
munications Commission has so much 
power to influence television program- 
ming and has been levying fines in the 
millions of dollars. “The idea of the pun- 
ishment fitting the crime is now gon: 
It’s out the window,” he says. “We're 
now їп а realm where there’s a complete 
absence of rational thinking, a climate in 
which the networks are constantly being 
stared down by Washington and threat- 
ened with fines. 

MacFarlane's protests didn't stop 
with complaints to Fox. In an Emmy- 
nominated episode of Family Guy called 
“PTV,” he made Peter the head of hi 
own television network, whose program- 
ming schedule—full of shows like Dogs 
Humping and The Peter Griffin Side-Boob 
Hour (“a wonderful look back on all the 
partial nudity network television used 
to offer”)—was deliberately designed 
to piss off the FCC. And in an origi- 
nal musical number, Peter, Brian and 
Stewie further extend their middle fin- 
gers to the reactionary federal agency 
in such verses as this: “So they sent this 
little warning,/They're prepared to do 
their worst,/ And they stuck it in your 
mailbox,/Hoping you could be coerced./1 
could think of quite another place/They 
should have stuck it first./ They may just be 
neurotic or possibly psychotic,/ They re the 
fellas at the freakin’ FCC.” 

Strangely enough, the fellas at the 
freakin’ FCC later asked Fox to send 
them a copy of the “PTV” episode but 
only because they thought it was hilari- 
ous. “It shocked the hell out of me,” says 
MacFarlane, “but it also made me think, 
Well, okay, you guys obviously have a 


sense of humor down there. Why don't 
you back off some of this stuff? Let's all 
just admit we think shit jokes are funny.” 
MacFarlane, however, isn’t particularly 
jocular about the long-term future of 
network television if the major broad- 
casters don't grow a backbone soon. At 
some point, he says, “the networks are 
going to have to make a strong politi- 
cal case—stronger than they've made 
to date—for getting the FCC to back 
off. It's going to be a matter of standing 
up for the First Amendment. Sorry, but 
sometimes creativity involves swearing. 
It involves things that aren't comfortable 
for people, and cable gives writers that 
freedom. The networks do not.” 


A hit animated 
series on a ТУ net- 
work's prime-time 
schedule is a rare 
thing. The Simpsons 
debuted on Fox in 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com for any further request. 


for series creators Trey Parker and Matt 
Stone when he declares, “I am nothing 
like Family Guy! When I make jokes they 
are inherent to a story! Deep situational 
and emotional jokes based on what is rel- 
evant and has a point, not just one ran- 
dom interchangeable joke after another!” 
In Cartman's voice it is actually kind of 
funny—and mean. At the end of the 
story it is revealed to Cartman that 
the writers of Family Guy are nothing 
more than intelligent manatees who 
write their show by pushing colored 
balls representing random funny ideas 
into a script machine. 

MacFarlane, who openly admits his 
debt to The Simpsons, says he isn’t particu- 
larly bothered by the occasional razzing 


ody of Family Guy may not reflect their 
true opinion of his show. “I know what 
their persona is,” says MacFarla 
there’s certainly a projected 
there, but I don’t know how 
real." Given Family Guy's о 
ruthless mockery, he say 
matter of time before 1 
the target of someoge elsWifridicule. “We 
shit on so mango and so many 
properties that w ki be huge hypo- 
crites if we had lem with it,” Mac- 
Farlane says. httered that they felt 
two entire episodes 
of their sh king about Family Guy. 
Unfortu t, we will probably not 
take twe hours of our airtime to 
th Park." (Despite PLAYBOY'S 
best efforts to add 
fuel to the fire, 
Parker and Stone 
declined to com- 
ment for this story.) 
It is hard to be- 
lieve the pointed 
barbs aimed at 


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1989; eight years 
later King of the 
Hill began build- 
ing an audience 
on the same пе! 
work. Before that 
you'd have to go 
all the way back 
to The Jetsons, in 
1962, and before 
that, The Flintstones. 
But all the success 


MacFarlane by two 
other cartoon se- 
ries—shows equally 
as brilliant, willfully 
sophomoric and 
obsessed with musi- 
cal theater as Family 
Guy—could fail to 
get under his skin 
even a little bit. But 
if his screw-it-all 
view of the world 
wasn't altered by 
the circumstances 
that befell him 
on September 11, 
2001, then maybe 
nothing will. 

On that morning 
MacFarlane, who 
had been a keynote 
speaker at a RISD 
graduation cer- 
emony a few days 
earlier, was sched- 
uled to fly back to 
Los Angeles from 
Boston's Logan Air- 
port, but he over: 
slept and missed his flight. Only while 
watching the news in an airport bar did 
he realize the plane he had failed to 
board was American Airlines flight 11, 
which crashed into the north tower of 
the World Trade Center. 

For several agonizing minutes after the 
crash many of MacFarlane's co-workers 
believed he was dead. "I started franti- 
cally dialing him, even though I knew, 
I guess, that he was dead," says Vallow. 
When she wasn't able to reach him, she 
threw her phone against a wall and 
broke it in two, then reassembled it 
with duct tape in time to receive a call 
from MacFarlane letting her know he 
had gotten her messages and was alive. 149 


2 docun 
as a bonus 


Family Guy and its à 1 


self-effacing creator 
have enjoyed has 
been accompanied 
by a substantial 
amount of hostility 
from MacFarlane's 
industry peers. 
Over the years, the 
Simpsons writers 
have slipped sev- 
eral subtle (and not 
so subtle) jokes into 
their series, imply- 
ing that Family Guy 
has ripped them 
off. In a scene from 
one of the show's Hallow hemed 


Treehouse of Horror” ggisod& a cam- 
era pans across a fiel ilated with 


Homer Simpson clo е of whom is 
clearly Peter Griffirf in an episode 
in which the Sing y family travels to 


Italy, Peter a gain in a book of 
criminal mu ‚ charged with the 
local offense а giarismc 
In April@006 South Park ran a blister- 
ing two, s en line called *Cartoon 
h repeatedly lampoons Family 
liance on cutaway gags 
-culture references that have 
nothing to do with advancing a plot. In 
a passionate monologue, South Park mas- 
cot Eric Cartman seems to be speaking 


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from his bigger brothers at Fox. “Matt 
Groening is a wonderfully kind gu 
says MacFarlane, “but everybody who 
works on his show just seems to hate our 
guts. I don’t really know why.” 

Some Family Guy producers acknowl- 
edge that the attacks from South Park 
caught them off guard. “It was such a 
fucking left hook,” says Sheridan. “It’s 
such a shot in the gut. We felt we were all 
part of the same team. South Park clearly 
doesn't feel that way." 

MacFarlane’s own reaction to the “Car- 
toon Wars” episodes is strangely muted. 
He suggests that while South Park's Parker 
and Stone enjoy playing the role of cyni- 
cal bad boys in public, their savage par- 


PLAYBOY 


150 


“The idea of anyone back in L.A. hear- 
ing about it and worrying about it didn’t 
really occur to him,” Vallow says. “At that 
point I don't think he had even called his 
parents to tell them he wasn't dead.” 

MacFarlane shrugs and says the expe- 
rience has left him largely unchanged. 
“It’s something that could have hap- 
pened to anyone,” he says. “I've missed 
so many flights for being late—this was 
yet another. That kind of stuff probably 
happens all the time and we just don't 
know it, those near misses. This one, 
obviously, I was aware of. It’s just not 
something I will allow to affect my way 
of operating on a day-to-day basis.” With 
a deep chuckle he adds, “I'm still a man 
of science, not God.” 

Some among his staff are concerned 
that MacFarlane is taking on workloads 
no mortal can handle. In addition to his 
Family Guy obligations he also provides 
voices for many of the characters on 
American Dad and consults on the show, 
though its executive producers try to re 
on him as little as possible. “He's busier 
now than he's ever been in his entire life 
and he's more stressed out than he's ever 
been in his entire life,” says Barker. “He's 
a little harder to corner and talk to, but 
so much of that really could be that he 
doesn't want to talk to me.” 

Now MacFarlane has assumed the role 
of co-creator and executive producer of 
The Winner, on which Rob Corddry plays 
a down-on-his-luck bachelor who lives 
with his parents. And no one—not even 
the Family Guy producers in awe of his 
talents—are certain MacFarlane can 
juggle three shows at once. “He works 
every day, seven days a week, and I'm 
worried about him being spread too 
thin,” says Goodman. “I’ve got kids I 
have to send to college. If something 
happens to him, I'm screwed." 

In fairness to MacFarlane, American 
Dad and The Winner have their ov 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com for any further request. 


producing teams that don't require his 
constant supervision, and he'd prob- 
ably let go of both shows in a heartbeat 
if he felt the quality of Family Guy, his 
first television child, was slipping. What 
concerns him more is that all his accom- 
plishments in the television industry 
could disappear just as quickly as he's 
accumulated them—an irrational fear 
that, in four years' time, MacFarlane 
says, “I could be completely back where 
I was four years ago. I always take that 
view of things. Creative neuroses and 
crippling self-doubt are things that 
should never be abandoned.” 

It's hard for an outside observer to see 
how this insecurity impedes MacFarlane 
as he oversees every detail of Family Guy's 
production process—from rewriting the 
ipts to redrawing the storyboards to 
directing the show’s voice-recording ses- 


sions. He says he’s careful to keep his É A 4 
" husiasm for the current state of tele- 
i 


personal demons hidden from his co- 
workers. "When it's late and I get ha 
ried and frazzled, it emerges a little 
he says. "It's not something that i © 
ticularly productive to have ou 
open." Of course, it's harder f 
to notice these qualities wher 
leave your office, but Ma ag says 
he's doing much better a ging his 
workaholism under cont used to 
be a lot worse,” he D. у! four АМ 
every night—includjg& Wekends—all I 
was doing was wor! I'm not ready 
to do that againg 

Hanging o 
offices, amid 


at the Family Guy 

5 of Polaroids of the 
bers, is a copy of one 
old childhood photos—a 
lortrait that is eerily identi- 

> wyy he looks tc . Well, he has 
n several inches and gained a 
few pounds, and there may now be a cou- 
I a strands in his hair (and more 
t he's still got the same guileless 
n his eyes, the same earnest smile 


current sta 
of MacFar 
Dorian 
cal tot 
since gr 


and the same peculiar cultural tastes. 
The Seth MacFarlane of the present still 
laughs at fart jokes and still wors 
hopelessly dorky Star Trek rerung 
his adolescence obses 
because they distracted him 


that he was a terrible athl; because 
they taught him at a „oO age how 


versatile and surpriging Revision pro- 
gram could be. “Ig much trouble 
with these cop sho@@gRd lawyer shows 


and medical sho еге you basically 
know what you Ang to see,” he says. 
“With Star Ty эша never watch the 
previews, bi I didn't even want to 
know. It g be a dramatic character 


story; itd e a science-fiction story; 
it co mantic story; it could be 
a pol tory. It always just surprised 
th Aut of me.” 


of the Family Guy staff membe 


arely summon a fraction of this 


on programming, particularly when 
hey talk about the slowly dying art form 
know. п аз the half-hour sitcom. “It’s 
scary,” says Goodman, who got his start 
in the industry more than 15 years ago 
as a writer on The Golden Girls. “Twenty 
fewer comedies are on the air this year 
than last year. I think the networks rec- 
ognize they've got to do something about 
developing comedy, but they don't know 
what's going on.” But Goodman, like 
his colleagues, sees himself protected 
from this chaos as long as he remains 
with Family Guy. “I've been here for two 
years, and as the comedy town burns, 
I'm safe in this citadel.” 

MacFarlane somehow never lost his 
idealistic zeal for the genre. He may not 
be comfortable talking about himself, 
but get him started on the subject of 
TV comedy and he won't shut up. He 
remembers a night not that long ago 
when he was able to get home from work 
early enough to catch a rerun of Seinfeld, 
and he was suddenly reminded of why 
he got into the medium in the first place. 
“It had been a long time since Га seen 
an episode of that show,” he says, “and I 
was struck by how much I was laughing, 
genuinely laughing. I was sitting there 
by myself, and it was the same thing that 
used to happen when I would watch old 
episodes of All in the Family—1 laughed 
out loud. That just doesn’t happen with 
sitcoms anymore.” 

For a moment it sounds as if he’s about 
to launch into another pessimistic tirade 
about the decline and fall of broadcast 
television. “The state of TV comedy 
now is just hideous,” MacFarlane says, 
but then he laughs and corrects himself. 
“It's been pretty good to me. I think it’ 
doing fine.” If he can make it home in 
time tonight, there may just be a classic 
Seinfeld rerun and a glass of whiskey with 
his name on it and maybe even a talking 
cartoon dog to enjoy it with. 


PLAYMATE 2 NEWS 


Among the ranks of Homo sapiens, some- ¿ though with a husband and twin boys ; | Reade t met Julie 
one more congenial and easygoing than ¿ and another child due soon, her hot-spot : | Petersggm Nn she appeared 
Daphnee Duplaix Samuel would be hard to ; time is ata premium. As passionate as she in o omen 

find. So it's not entirely surprising to hear is about Passions, Miss July 1997 is scan- 0 ka 

her speak positively about Valerie Davis, the : ning the horizon for other opportunities. р, Lal 

scheming, conniv- wing 


ing, catfighting 
character she plays 
on the daytime 
drama Passions 
“Valerie has a 


over- 
Iming 
made Julie 


the Center- 
fold for Feb- 
ruary 1987. 
With brains as 
impressive as 
her bod, Julie 
became a card- 
carrying mem- 
ber of Mensa 
and earned a 
doctor's degree 
in chiropractic, forever dis- 
pelling canards about dumb 
you-know-whats. 


good heart, even 
though she'll do 
anything to get 
what she wants,” 
says Daphnee, who 
then adds hope- 


falerie Davis on the 


daytime drama 


ns, Daphnee Duplaix 
Samuel is fre 


ently in 


uble. It couldn't hap 
pen to a nicer girl 


fully, * 


“But she hasn't shot anyone—yet.” 
Daphnee b 
ally when she 


“I'd love to be on 
prime time or get 
back into movies,” 
says the native New 
rker, citing fellow Gothamite Spike 

s a director with whom she'd like to 
n rk. “I like all his movies but especially 

lo the Right Thing and Crooklyn.” 


n acting profession- 
arrived in Los Angeles 
in 1997 and had racked up more than 
30 supporting appearances before land- 
ing the career-making role of Valerie 
Now an established star, she has bec 
a welcome guest at Hollywood hot sp 


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POP QUESTIONS: TIFFANY FALLON 


And didn't you g 
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52 


Miss January 2001 Irina Voi 
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PLAYBOY cove S Denise 
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PMOY 2006 E ^". 
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Miss August 2006 E 
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Miss February 
2003 Charis 
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her line of Swar- 
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first timers, casting calls, reality 
and auditions. 


SPICE:XCESS 

Hungry for more? More choices, 
flavors and variety, including ethnic 
beauties, gonzo, fetish and MILFs. 


shorteez. 

Bite-size entertainment! Fast-pacedy 
action-focused star specials, | 
casting calls and Internet features. _ 


CONTACT YOUR LOCAL 
CABLE OR SATELLITE 
PROVIDER TO ORDER TODAY! 


200 ksof Spice E ment, Ino. CLUBJENNAisa trademark of Jenna IP Holding Company, LLC usedunder license, 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com for any further request 


layboy 


WHAT'S HAPPENING, WHERE IT'S HAPPENING AND WHO'S MAKING IT MAYPPEN 


Fast Asleep O 


The love child of a hotel and a sports 9: opens in San Diego 


lacid San Diego seems an unlikely A reinvent the separate living areas from bathrooms. The loftlike results 

humble hotel room. But the mind; farina—long have Frette sheets on the beds, Bang & Olufsen audio and 

known for designing Ferrari с ve chosen this video systems, silver Lavazza espresso makers for your 
city to do just that. Set in a centui 'ormer office tower morning buzz and plenty of Ferrari's trademark blood-red 
in the hip Gaslamp Quarter, th eating hotel marks color. The low-lit underground lounge features an elaborate 
the 76-year-old firm's first for: the world of interiors. menu of martinis—shaken (not stirred) at your table. Stay 
The 35 smallish rooms, e ts Italian innovation and tuned for the glass-bottom pool big enough for you and all 
California cool, do away ie walls that traditionally your new friends. More info at thekeating.com. 


Sonny Disposition 


Saxophone colossus Sonny Rollins plays to a new generation 


"m really a Luddite. | don't have a computer. | used to read Aldous Huxley, 

and | think he once said technology is a faster way of going backward.” So 

says Sonny Rollins, the legendary tenor saxophonist, who at 76 threw cau- 
tion to the wind and launched a successful website, at sonnyrollins.com, and 
his own label, Doxy Records. After nearly 35 years with Milestone he “had an 
opportunity to get in with the new wave of things,” he says. Through Doxy he 
has just released Sonny, Please, his first studio album in five years. Available as 
a download via his site, it also comes out this month on CD from Universal. Rol- 
lins wanted to capture the spirit that infused his band during its last tour of Ja- 
pan. For Rollins, nothing beats live performance. The give-and-take of “playing 
for people is an exhilarating experience," he says. "It's a wise atmosphere." 155 


iJ m 


Getting Too Big for Her Bodice 

With roles in the star-studded Bobby and the star- 
studded but flawed Mini’s First Time, gorgeous 
SVETLANA METKINA may be Hollywood's next 
bust-out starlet. 


Ace c 
To support her country's Davis Cup campaign, 
model and former tennis player VICTORIA 
VANUCCI stripped for our Argentine edition. 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com for any further request. 


To Hell With 


Housework 

MASHA KOZLOVA is one 
"п of the Russian babes 
living at modelflats.com. 
They pass the time by 
lounging nude (shown) 
and taking long showers. 


Stephanie See More 
Once a supermodel, always a - y 

supermodel—just ask STEPHANIE \ Double 
SEYMOUR. A тлүвоү cover girl (twice) 

inthe early 19905, the rangy beauty GT loc 
has settled down but still sizzles. ERN JAMESON 


continues to go 
where no pornstar 
has gone before. At 
Madame Tussauds 
Las Vegas, her wax 
likeness now hob- 
nobs with Liberace 
and George W. Bush. 


Special Screening 
According to the New York Daily News, DIANE PASSAGE is a former Scores stripper (stage 
name: Chase) who is co-producing the film version of Larry McMurtry's showgirl novel Desert 
Rose. As we learn more about the mysterious Ms. P., we'll be sure to keep you abreast. 157 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com for any further request. 


Motpourri 


MOVING 
MOUNTAINS 


To our knowledge 
there's never been a 
ski-themed superhero, 
but if there were, he'd 
wear Kombi's leather 
Captain Freedom 
gloves ($70, kombi 
sports.com). This 
reissue from the 1970s 
would look great with 
just about any star- 
spangled jumpsuit 
and a pair of rocket 
skis. Of course every 
superhero needs theme 
music, too, and since 
it's prohibitively ex- 


ALL THE PEOPLE ALL THE TIME 


Maybe you've yourself this after way too much time alone in the 
wilderness, be! utting your arm free from that damn boulder: What 
would һар" if every conceivable Swiss Army gadget were crammed into 
ife? Question answered: The Wenger Giant Collec- 
1,200, wengerna.com) packs 85 tools, including seven blades 
Wes of pliers, into a cluster fuck of Swiss Army absurdity. More 
t inches across and weighing nearly three pounds, it's not really 
knife. But what other tool could—at least in theory—skin a deer, 
fix a bike chain, change a golf-shoe spike, crimp a wire, check your tire 
158 tread, align your gun sights and more? As for a kitchen sink, whittle one. 


MOVIEMAKING MA! 


Pinnacle Studio, one of the = зр з 
video-editing packagesjon € narket, 


has just gotten better. ING Moric Box 
Plus ($150, pinnaclesys y ncludes a 
breakout box for gett; leo into your 
computer, a profe: "grade mike 
for adding audio green-screen 
backdrop that le lay in new scenery 
just as the pro r Use bac! 


grounds from t Door and tell 
at the Mansion. 


SWEET DREAMS 


Alors, mes amis. We still remember when 
Frangois Payard opened his patisserie and 
bistro on New York's upper east side. Just to 
look through the window at his creations was 
to learn the meaning of yearning. Whether 
you're a fan or you've never heard Payard’s 
name, Valentine's Day is the perfect occasion 
to order his chocolates (if not uptown, then 
online). Request his Masterpiece I box ($35, 
payard.com) for your valentine. Trust us: 
She'll melt in your mouth and your hand. 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com for any further request. 


ESPRESS YOURSELF 


We wouldn't make it through 
the day—let alone get this 
magazine out the door— 
without the caffeinated caress 
of a few finely drawn shots 
of espresso. The remarkably 
compact XP7230 ($1,000, 
krups.com) is Krups's latest 
fully automatic machine. 
The thing runs like a Cadillac. 
Pop in some water and 
beans (we recommend 
kickinghorsecoffee.com), 
push a button and in a minute 
or so you're salivating over 
a far finer nectar than you'll 
ceive from your local 
с megacorporation. 


Bettie Page and various Playma 


for years, Pick up just about an: 


work—playful, charming, incredibly sexy. 
table book, Bettie Page by Olivia ($30, $7 


SCAR F**KER 


Oliver Stone’s script for 
Brian De Palma's Scarface 
is one of the crowning 


achievements of Amer, 
cinema, It's brutal, tı 
and nihilistic—and 


probably recite h; by 
heart. A new se prints 
from L.A. ($14, 
lapopart.c creates 

‚ using 


hing exceeds like excess" 
‚u wanna play rough 
plus more than 200 F bombs. 


to^ 


THIS MEANS WAR 


We don't know if you've heard, bi 

from accounting is talking sm; 

A balled-up Post-it to the head 

him out. Deliver one in Ос style with 
the Metal Desk Catapu , thinkgeek 
.com). Thanks to its all- onstruction, 
it is immune to count ks via flying 
phone book. Your ir re revenge fantasi 
have never been y orically accurate. 


POWER PLAY 


It's bad enough that gadgets run down, but 
buying (and throwing away) a set of batteries 
after every few hours of use is sheer madness. 
Rechargeables are nice but require bulky cl 1 
stations. Which brings us to USBCell (usbcell 
.com), a battery that draws power directly from 
any USB socket and requires no additional 
hardware to use. Two AAs will run you just 
$20, and the company has plans to bring out 
AAA and nine-volt versions in the near future. 
Sometimes the best ideas are the simplest. 


Js pinup 
this magazi 


WHERE AND HOWTO BLY ON PAGE 147, 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com 


MNext Month 


for any further request. 


E " B 
IT WAS A VERY GOOD YEAR THE 25 SEXIEST CELEBS LETS HUG IT OUT, 


THE REAL COST OF WAR—AS OUR TROOPS RETI 
IRAQ, WASHINGTON IS WAGING A QUIET C. TO 
DISCREDIT THE PSYCHOLOGICAL TOLL OF COMBAT POST- 
TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER BEING INTENTIONALLY UNDER- 
DIAGNOSED BY THE MILITARY. MARK B EALS THE 
APPALLING INJUSTICE COMMITTED AGAIN: ETERANS. 


JROM 


THE SEX AND MUSIC ISSUE—PLAYAP), 
COMPENDIUM OF SENSUAL DELIGH. 
STRESS MARIAH CAREY AS YOU VI 


ERS ITS ANNUAL 
ING SLINKY SONG- 
SEEN HER BEFORE. 


JEREMY PIVEN—AFTER ies. \S A SUPPORTING PLAYER 
FOR YEARS, PIVEN FINALLY S| HE SPOTLIGHT IN 2004 AS 
THE HILARIOUSLY SMARMY, Т ARI GOLD ON ENTOURAGE. 
HE'S NOW ONE OF HOLD S TOP LEADING MEN, WITH A 
STRING OF PROJECTS FOI 7. BUT IS STARDOM ALL IT’S 
CRACKED UP TO BE? Pf Y INTERVIEW BY DAVID RENSIN 


ZOMBIE DAN—E ER DOCTORS AT THE LOCAL HOSPI- 
SEEMS EVERYONE WOULD PREFER DAN 


WERE RESTIpIGÍ PACE. FICTION BY J. ROBERT LENNON 


THE YEAR, 
FIND HIP-Hi 


ISIC 2007—OUR MUSIC ISSUE RETURNS TO 
KING A BACKSEAT TO A ROCK REVIVAL. FEA- 


IRAQ VETS BETRAYED IN A TIME OF NEED. 


АН, TO BE A STUDENT AGAIN. 


ALSO: THE RESULTS OF OUR ANNUAL MUSIC POLL, THE JAZZ 
ARTIST OF THE YEAR AND A NEW SET OF MUSICIANS REMEM- 
BERING WHEN THEY KISSED VIRGINITY GOOD-BYE. 


GET RICH! LIVE FOREVER!— XANGO, A VITAMIN-RICH FRUIT 
DRINK, MAKES NEAR-MIRACULOUS CLAIMS, INCLUDING THAT 
YOU CAN MAKE A FORTUNE UNLOADING IT ON YOUR FRIENDS, 
JONATHAN BLACK UNVEILS THE ABSURD SUBCULTURE SUR- 
ROUNDING THE LATEST MULTILEVEL MARKETING SCHEME 


THE 25 SEXIEST CELEBRITIES —SO MANY HOTTIES, SO LITTLE 
TIME. SO CLEAR YOUR SCHEDULE. 


ROCK THE RABBIT—MUSIC AND FASHION ARE A POTENT MIX, 
ESPECIALLY WHEN PLAYBOY PUTS CLASS ACTS LIKE THE FLAMING 
LIPS AND THIEVERY CORPORATION INTO THE SEASON'S MOST 
ROCKING THREADS. FASHION BY JOSEPH DE ACETIS 


BUSINESS CLASS—THE PLAYBOY MAN'S HEADQUARTERS IS A 
CAREFULLY DESIGNED MICROENVIRONMENT FROM WHICH HE CAN 
RULE THE WORLD WITH APLOMB. WHAT TOOLS DOES IT REQUIRE? 
A STEALTHY BAR GLOBE AND SLICK NEW PUTTER, FOR STARTERS. 


PLUS: PLAYMATE SHALLAN MEIERS WANTS TO SHARE HER 


TURIN! ITERVIEWS WITH METAL INTELLECTUALS TOOL. R&B FANTASIES WITH YOU, A HOT-FOR-TEACHER PICTORIAL AND 
STAI Е. COUNTRY GIANTS BROOKS & DUNN AND MORE. INTRODUCING MISS MARCH TYRAN RICHARD. 
Play! SSN 0032-1478), February 2007, volume 54, number 2. Published monthly by Playboy in national and regional editions, Playboy, 680 


North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611. Periodicals postage paid at Chicago, Illinois and at additional mailing offices. Canada Post Cana- 
dian Publications Mail Sales Product Agreement No. 40035534. Subscriptions: in the U.S., $29.97 for 12 issues. Postmaster: Send address change to 
160 Playboy, PO. Box 2007, Harlan, Iowa 51537-4007. For tion-related questions, call 800-999-4438, or e-mail circ@ny.playboy.com. 


For guaranteed Valentine’s Day delivery, call 1-800-726-1184. 


www.danburymint.com/key 


Unlock her love with... 


the Mabey Meck 
Exclusively from the Danbury Mint 


Supplement to Playboy Magazine 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com for any further request. 


| | 
| | 
ү 
| 
F 

DOING i 

BEST T Y 
| | ж ж EVERYONE CAN DO SOMETHING. х ж 


Answer the Pr at's Call to $ When you volunteer to help 


your neighbors, ypu help your nation. Everyone can do something. 
To loan moro, visit USAFREEDOMCORPS, GOV or call 1-877-USACORPS. 


mM 


"nificent sterling silver pt 


There are few things in life as precious a 
and soul. This Valentine’s Day, present yo 
undeniable proof that she holds the one-a 
My Heart Pendant, a sterling silver jewel 


Charmir g desien...fouı 


rhodium-p 
Meticulously crafted of real sterling silver 
shape of a key, embellished with a roman! 
rhodium and glistens with the dazzling sp 
pendant to perfection, a finely crafted ste 
The Key to My Heart Pendant comes in a | 
gift giving. Both the chain and gift box ar 


A superb value: 

Available exclusively from the Danbury Мі! 
$78, payable in two monthly installments t 
As your assurance of quality, a Certificate 
Your satisfaction is guaranteed. If you о 
the pendant within 90 days for replacemer 
call 1-800-726-1184, 24 hours a day, 7 day 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com for any further request. 


“FOR TOO LONG OUR CULTURE HAS GA, "IF IT 
FEELS GOOD, DO IT. NOW, WE WANT TO BE A 
NATION THAT SERVES GOALS LARGER THAN 
СОЕ WE'VE BEEN: OFFERED A UNIQUE 
OPPORTUNITY, AND-WE MUST NOT LET THIS 
MOMENT PASS. MY CALL IS FOR EVERY 
AMERICAN TO COMMIT TO THE SERVICE OF 
YOUR NEIGHBORS AND YOUR NATION, BY 
DOING THIS, WE SUSTAIN AND EXTEND THE 
- BEST THAT HAS EMERGED IN AMERICA” 
ж ж EVERYONE CAN DO SOMETHING. ж + 


your neighbors, you help your nation. Everyone can do something. 
To loarn more, visit USAYREEDOMCORPS.GOV or call 1-877-USACORPS. 


папі, handset with genuine dia 


s when that special woman gives you he art 
ur sweetheart with a lasting token of y love — 
nd-only key to your heart. Presenti 


ng...Zhe Key to 
ry treasure aglow with sparkling Кел ds. 


glittering diamonds in brilla? 

lated sterling silver. h S 

this stylish pendant is exqueWely fashioned in the 
ic heart motif. The pend * lavishly plated with 
lendor of four handset @іаћ пі. To display your 
rling silver 18-inch ch is included. What's more, 
uxurious satin-lined буташ case...perfect for 


' yours at no “y charge. 
satisfaction anteed. 
it, The Key w Heart Pendant can be yours for 
f just 21 $7.80 total shipping and service). 
of AutheMẹ ity will be included. 
r your gift recipient are not delighted, simply return 


t or refund. For guaranteed Valentine's Day delivery, 


s a week. Order today! 


сма 


8. 


RESERVATION APPLICATION 


THE DANBURY MINT 


47 Richards Avenue + Norwalk, CT 06857 
Yes! Reserve The Key to My Heart Pendant for 
me as described in this announcement 
Name _ 
Address 
uty . 
State Zip 


Signature 


For guaranteed Valentine's Day delivery, call 


1-800-726-1184. 


www.danburymint.com/key 
DKNIVOOI 


Mail to notemart@gmail.com for any further request. 


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E TO + *NEW YOUR VOWS. 


LABROT к Gran, 


ANOODFORD Reserve | 


DISTILLER'S SELECT 


MS Lua 
——— q A 
HANDCRAFTEL «N SMALL BATCHES, Wi RIVED: 


OODFORD Res Bourson HAS AR 
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Commit to moderation. Drink responsibly. 
Woodford Reserve Disriller's Select Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskey. 45.2% Alc. by Vol., The Woodford Reserve Distillery, Versailles, KY. ©2007. 


2007 NBA ALL-STAR GAME 


N SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 18 8рм:т