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ENTERTAINMENT iu. www.playboy.com e MAY 2008 


THE NEW Wi À 
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REASONS 577 7 E4 
THE BEAR INTERVIEW 
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WHO ARE WE TO SAY NO? nc 


"When we were kids he could be a real pain in the ass,” says 
Tom Farley Jr., big brother of Chris Farley, the star of Saturday 
Night Live and Tommy Boy. Over the years Tom came to admire 
his kid brother and was hit hard by his overdose in 1997. Farley 
heads up the Chris Farley Foundation, through which he uses 
his family's brand of humor to help Kids fend off peer pressure, 
drugs and booze—three things that killed Chris. Now Farley has 
co-written The Last Days of Chris Farley, an excerpt from the 
upcoming book The Chris Farley Show (Viking). To tell Chris's 
story, Farley and Tanner Colby sat down with family, friends and 
co-stars including Chris Rock and David Spade. "Throughout 
Chris's life we all used to get together and tell stories about him, 

says Farley. “| couldn't imagine doing this biography any other 
way. Only this time | told people not to hold anything back. 


Hillary Clinton's rocky marriage was an inspiration for Laura 
Kipnis's book Against Love: A Polemic. In The Men Who 
Hate Hillary the renowned feminist defends Clinton (who 
has been in the public eye far longer than Barack Obama) 
against the right-wingers whose rants put her at a disad- 
vantage before the primaries had even begun. "I wanted to 
tear apart their arguments,” Kipnis says. "Im offended by 
the general level of stupidity, the platitudes, the pandering 
religiosity that passes for political discussion these days. 


Luck bea lady. Professional poker 
player Jennifer “Jennicide” 
Leigh shows her hand and every- 
thing else this month. But don't 
get the wrong idea: The star of 
our Strip Poker didn't make it to 
the pros on looks alone—or ac- 
tually at all. Jennifer earned her 
chops playing as a faceless on- 
line competitor. "I was introduced 
o Intemet poker in my computer 
hacking community," Jennifer 
says. "Гат always online. | even 
play a great deal of World of War- 
craft." Though Jennifer has now 
taken her skills to brick-and-mor- 
tar tables, she advocates against 
legislation that seeks to make 
online gambling ilegal in the U.S. 
1 don't mind stripping out of my 
clothes,” she says, "but stripping 
me out of a job is evil.” 


As a columnist for The Nation and 
author of Why We're Liberals: A 
‚Political Handbook for Post-Bush 
America, Eric Alterman makes 
no secret of his political leanings. 
But in Forum this month Alterman 
takes a Stephen Colbert-like ap- 
proach, lampooning the left by 
playing an über-righty in his essay 
Why We Loathe Liberals. How 
does he really feel about the bal- 
ance of power between the "lib- 
eral media" and conservative 
government? "The notion of a lib- 
eral media is an illusion," he says, 
but a pretty dam powerful one, 
able to turn great minds into 
mush. Yet the conservative gov- 
ernment can torture you and then 
destroy the evidence if it feels like 
it. That's pretty powerful too. 


This month's Playboy Interview, with Fareed Zakaria, began at 
a New York restaurant. But long after that first meeting, Con- 
tributing Editor and author of Beautiful Boy David Sheff just 
couldn't stop telephoning the razor-sharp Newsweek colum- 
nist and foreign-relations expert. "Zakaria makes really com- 
plicated issues understandable without dumbing them down, 
says Sheff. “So much happens in the world every day that | 
could have kept calling him for updates until the day the inter- 
view wentto press. In fact, l'd love to call him right now. 


XIMITY 


PROXIMITY 
oe 


vol. 55, no. 5—may 2008 
ds 


features 


100 


THE LAST DAYS OF CHRIS FARLEY 

When greatness colors a person, it seldom stays in the lines. Great talents, 
great demons, great addictions—they so often seem to be of a piece. This 
affecting excerpt from a forthcoming biography of Farley shows a portrait 
of a man whose troubles withstood the best efforts of his loved ones. Chris 
Rock, Tim Meadows, Chevy Chase, David Spade and others recall Farley's 
last desperate days. BY TOM FARLEY JR. A 


THE BEST SEAT IN THE HOUSE 

Not so long ago in a galaxy not that far away, a VCR and a 2 
most people's idea of a high-tech home theater, Ah, progress. stev NSTERN 
highlights the latest components that will bring the multiplex to your living room, 
including flat-screen TVs, home servers, superspeakers, Blu-ray players and more. 


PLAYBOY'S 2008 BASEBALL PREVIEW: A NEW ERA 
Forget about steroids and perjury hearings—America's favorite pastime is slugging 
back with conviction. Hall of Fame sportswriter TRACY Ri runs down 

the season ahead and spotlights the best young players in each di 


THE MEN WHO HATE HILLARY 

No woman in American politics has been the subject of such cruel scrutiny as 
Hillary Clinton. In the process, she has unwittingly become a reliable diagnostic 
instrument for calibrating male anxiety. Cultural commentator and feminist 
кірма studies Clinton's right-wing biographers and discovers their vitriolic 
books reveal less about the woman who would be president than about themselves. 


ich Trinitron were 


fiction 


IN OLD MOAB 

Looking for a quiet drink along a stretch of sorry Utah desert highway, a drifter 
instead finds a barroom full of wild women eager to party and an amiable 
stranger harboring criminal intentions. Novelist assembles 
an atmospheric account of how the unexpected wakes us to life. 


the playboy forum 


WHY WE LOATHE LIBERALS 

We're not sure when libera! became a four-letter word describing the left-leaning 
group that, having screwed up everything, now wants to hand the country over 
to the terrorists. ERIC ALTERMAN, author of Why We're Liberals, punches holes 
in the irrational theories of conservative fearmongers. 


200 
BOB SAGET 
He kept the banter decidedly PG on Full Hou 


os, but fans of his stand-up 
disarmingly funny as it is dirty. The same can be saic 


est Home 
humor is as 
of this hilarious téte-a-tate 


with ITZNAGEL, with whom Saget revels in his inner filthiness. 
interview 
45 FAREED ZAKARIA 


The Muslim Cary Grant and potential candidate for secretary of state is 
increasingly the incisive columnist and commentator to whom Americans turn 
to interpret a world in turmoil. In this frank and opinionated conversation with 

пр SHEFF, Zakaria challenges readers to question their assumptions regarding 
the role America plays in the world and to examine the prospects for peace. 


/ER STC 

When most people think of the former USSR, 
they envision a dreary, frigid place ruled by 
a humorless kleptocracy. But that’s because 
they haven't laid eyes on Russia's most valu- 
able asset: its arresting female populace. Pho- 
tographer Marlena Bielinska didn't give Olga 
Kurbatova many clothes to wear on ош cover, 
but thankfully Olga has a muff to keep her 
warm. Our Rabbit is ruffled with pleasure. 


an 


vol. 55, no. 5—may 2008 


pictorials 31 MANTRACK 


© 


STRIP POKER 
The chips are stacked in all 
the right places for poker champ 
Jennifer " Jennicide" Leigh. 


74 PLAYMATE: AJ ALEXANDER 14 
Indiana's Miss May is a speed- 
loving beauty who's game 
for some racy adventures. 


104 THE WOMEN OF 


THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 
PARTY JOKES 

WHERE AND HOW TO BUY 
O GRAPEVINE 


42 POTPOURRI 


fashion 


PUTIN'S RUSSIA 94 WELL TIMED, WELL 


Not since Stolichnaya slipped 
out from behind the Iron 
Curtain has a Russian import 
been as intoxicating as these 
curvaceous comrades, 


notes and news 


n SUPER BOWL BASH 
There are Super Bowl parties, 
and then there are Playboy 
Super Saturday Night parties, 
like this year's bash in Arizona, 
plus the Game Day charity 
Celebration at the Mansion, 
hosted by Brande Roderick 
А stadium's worth of Playmates 
and celebrities broke out in 
pigskin fever, including Tiki 
Barber, Vince Neil, Marcus Allen, 
Jerri Manthey and many more. 


135 PLAYMATE NEWS 
Miss July 2002 Lauren Anderson 
turns heads in Spain as she 
supports her boyfriend, basketball 
player Matt Walsh. Also, get 
fit with Pilar Lastra's healthy 
advice on AOL Latino. 


HEELED, WELL HUNG 

Your watch may tell you the 
time, but it tells other people 
important information about your 
taste, status and sense of style. 
It's time you paid attention 

to details. Here's how the right 
watch, shoe and necktie complete 
your lock. BY JOSEPH DE ACETIS 


this month on playboy.com 


MAGAZINE BLOG 
News, views and inside perspectives 
from puayaor editors. playboy.com/blog 


о М ОР ТНЕ МЕВ 

Meet 2008's perfect Cyber Girl of the 
Year and see new features every month, 
playboy.com/cybergirls 

THE 21ST QUESTION 

One more dirty joke from Bob Saget. 
playboy.com/21q 

A VERY GOOD YEAR 

View all of plarsor’s Anniversary 
Playmates and try to become our 

55th Anniversary Playmate. 
playboy.com/playmates 

SW 


EEPING UP 8 


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Miss Rugust in 12 seconds. 


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PLAYBOY 


HUGH M. HEFNER 
editor-in-chief 


CHRISTOPHER NAPOLITANO 
editorial director 
STEPHEN RANDALL deputy editor 
ROB WILSON ari director 
GARY COLE photography director 
LEOPOLD FROEHLICH executive editor 
ЈАМТЕ MALANOWSKI managing editor 


EDITORIAL. 
FEATURES: AMY GRACE LOYD literary editor; CHIP ROWE senior editor 
FASHION: JOSEPH DE ACETIS director; JENNIFER RYAN JONES edilor FORUM: TIMOTHY MOHR associate editor 
MODERN LIVING: SCOTT ALEXANDER senior editor STAFF: ROBERT в. DESALVO, JOSH ROBERTSON 
associate editors; HEATHER HAEBE senior editorial assistant; VIVIAN COLON, GILBERT MACIAS editorial assistants; 
ROCKY RAKOVIC junior editor CARTOONS: JENNIFER THIELE (new york), AMANDA WARREN (las angeles) 
‘editorial coordinators COPY: WINIFRED ORMOND сору chief; CAMILLE CAUTI associate сору chief; DAVID DELE 
JOSEPH WESTERFIELD copy editors RESEARCH: DAVID COHEN research director; BRENDAN CUMMINGS 
deputy research dii: RON MOTTA senior researcher; BRYAN ABRAMS, CORINNE CUMMINGS, MICHAEL. MATASSA 
researchers: MARK DURAN research librarian EDITORIAL PRODUCTION: DAVID PFISTER assistant managing 
editor; VALERIE THOMAS manager; KRISTINE ECO associate CONTRIBUTING EDITORS: MARK BOAL. 
(writer al large), KEVIN BUCKLEY, SIMON COOPER, GRETCHEN EDGREN, LAWRENCE GROBEL, KEN GROSS, 
DAVID HOCHMAN, WARREN KALBACKER. ARTHUR KRETCHMER (aulomotise), JONATHAN LITTMAN, JOE MORGENSTERN, 
JAMES PETERSEN, STEPHEN REBELLO, DAVID RENSIN, JAMES HOSEN, DAVID SHEFF, DAVID STEVENS, 
ROB TANNENBAUM. JOHN D. THOMAS, ALICE К. TURNER, ROB WALTON 


ART 
TOM STAEBLER contributing art director; SCOTT ANDERSON, BRUCE HANSEN, CHET SUSKI, 
LEN WILLIS senior art directors; PAUL CHAN senior art assistant; 

CORTEZ WELLS art services coordinator; STEFANI COLE senior art administrator 


PHOTOGRAPHY 
STEPHANIE MORRIS west coast editor; JIM LARSON managing editor; PATTY BEAUDET-FRANCES 
senior editor-entertaimment; KEVIN KUSTER зе ‚editor; MATT STEIGBIGEL associate editor; 
RENAY LARSON, HOLLY MADISON assistant edilors; ARNY FREYTAG, STEPHEN МАХА senior contributing 
photographers; GEORGE GEORGIOU staff photographer; RICHARD ШІЛ, MIZUNO, BYRON NEWMAN, 
GEN NISHINO, DAVID RAMS contributing photographers; BILL WHITE studio manager (los angeles) 
BONNIE JEAN KENNY manages, photo library; KEVIN CRAIG manages, imaging lab; PENNY EKKERT 
KRVSTLE JOHNSON production coordinators 


LOUIS R. MOHN publisher 


ADVERTISING 
лов EISENHARDT associate publisher; RON STERN advertising director; HELEN BIANCULL diwet-reponse 
advertising director; MARIE FIBNENO advertising operations director NEW YORK: SHERI WARNKE 
southeast manager; JODI WHITE account manager CHICAGO: LAUREN KINDER midavst sales manager 
LOS ANGELES: COREY SPIEGEL wes! coast manager DETROIT: STEVE ROUSSEAU detroit manager 
SAN FRANCISCO: ED MEAGHER nordiisest manager 


MARKETING 

LISA NATALE associate publidher marketing; STEPHEN MURRAY marke 

DANA ROSENTHAL events marketing director; CHRISTOPHER SHOOLIS research director; 
DONNA TAVOSO creative services 


ing services director; 


PUBLIC RELATIONS 
LAUREN MELONE vice president, public relations; THERESA M. HENNESSEY. ROB HILBURGER publicity directors 


PRODUCTION 
MARIA MANDIS director; JODY JURGETO production manager; CINDY FONTARELLL, DEBBIE TILLOU associate 
managers; CHAR KROWCZYK, BARB TERIELA assistant managers; BILL BENWAY, SIMMIE WILLIAMS prepress 


CIRCULATION 
LARRY A DJERE newsstand sales director; PHYLLIS ROTUNNO subscription circulation director 


ADMINISTRATIVE, 
MARCIA TERRONES rights & permissions director 


INTERNATIONAL PUBLISHING 
BOB O'DONNELL managing director; DAVID WALKER editorial director 


PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES INTERNATIONAL, INC. 
CHRISTIE HEFNER chairman, chief executive officer 
вов MEYERS president, media group 
JAMES Р RADTKE senior vice president and general manager 


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WONDERFUL COVER 
My son fell in love with Wonder 
Woman as a boy. It took me a little lon- 
ger: It didn't happen until I saw Tif- 
fany Fallon on your February cover. 
Gary Becker 
Cadillac, Michigan 


been a one- 
a growing 


That cover may ha 
issue wonder, but there 


THE WOMEN OF HO! 


j #8 


IRISH 
McCALLA 


Strong, patriotic, nude: God bless America. 


audience for photo layouts, comics and 

fiction devoted to sexy superheroines. 
John Pierce 
Ramsey, New Jersey 


Alter staring in awe at your cover 
for longer than my husband felt was 
appropriate, I am writing to beg for a 
pictorial of superhero Painted Ladi 
You could make thousands of fanboy: 
and fangirls’ dreams come true 

Laura Dlouhy 
Memphis, Tennessee 

Well, maybe. The response to our cover 
was not so kind online among superhero 
fans, many of whom blasted us for allegedly 
usurping the character's feminine power by 
making her too sexy. But we liked what blog- 
ger Bob Mitchell had to say: “Does anyone 
really think she wears the hot pants and bus- 
tier to facilitate crime fighting? Im wonder- 
ing what creator William Moulton Marston 
would make of the tribute, but given that he 
was a bondage nut who lived with both his 
wife and his mistress in polyamorous bliss, 
Тт fairly certain he'd enjoy flicking through 
the spread. As I understand it, and this may 
need to be taken with a large pinch of salt, 
Marston didnt intend the Amazon princess to 
be а role model for girls but a vehicle through 
which young boys would get used to the idea 
ој strong women. So thumbs up to PLAYBOY.” 
We do love strong women. 


SUPERCOP 

Joe Domanick is very complimen- 
tary to Los Angeles police chief Bill 
Bratton in Saving Los Angeles (Febru- 
ary) but at the expense of trashing a 
lot of officers past and present. I don't 
know how we survived as the premier 
police department in the world for 40 
years without outside help. The LAPD 
did have a few off years after I retired 
and before Bratton came aboard, 
but that was because the department 
became politicized and two chiefs were 
selected through the political process 
rather than intensive exams. Bratton 
told me before he became chief in Los 
Angeles that his success in New York 
was due to putting in place LAPD prac- 
tices whereby uniformed officers could 
aggressively enforce the law. Naturally, 
I wish him the best. 

Daryl Gates 
Los Angeles, California 

Gates, a member of the LAPD for 43 

years, served as chief from 1978 to 1992. 


Bratton instructs his officers to treat 
people with dignity no matter what 
their socioeconomic status. What a 
unique way to police a city! 
Joseph DiBlanca 
Highland, New York 


STRIPPERS UNITE 
Patton Oswalt’s article about dating 
а stripper (Peace Through Pole Dancing, 
February) is inappropriate and offen- 
sive. Women who choose dancing as а 
have tough enough lives without. 
ing stereotyped. You should have 
called the article Date a Psycho, since 
the girl depicted is obviously demented 
and not so obviously a stripper. 
Brad Johnson 
Fairhope, Alabama 


Having married one stripper and 
dated several others, I'm knowledge- 
able on this topic. When strippers are 
in their 20s they are spontaneous and 
like to travel and participate in out- 
door activitics. They have great bodies, 
they re comfortable being naked, and 
they're usually good in bed. They have 
lots of hot friends, whom you also get 
to see naked. The smart ones are flush 
no problem paying 
for dinner or buying you gifts. Having 
said that, once you marry a stripper, all 
those perks go out the window. 

Eerie Von 
Fairmount, Indiana 


MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY 
By saying he doesn't mess around with 
married women, Matthew McConaughey 


proves in his Playboy Interview (February) 
that there are people in Hollywood with 
class and morality. I wish the guy who 
messed around with my ex-wife had the 
same level of fraternity. The irony of itis 
that McConaughey is her favorite actor. 
Name withheld 
Miami, Florida 


Rather than spreading gossip, 
McConaughey keeps the discussion 
to travel and experiences and chal- 
lenges we all can relate to. Anybody 
else notice that his idea of a crisis i 
Katrina, New Orleans and Lance Arm- 
strong's cancer, rather than how many 
parties he can be seen at? 

Rick Schletty 

Afton, Minnesota 


HOT DISH 
Nichole Long's figure is a 9.9 (The 
Women of Hooters 2008, February). Y'all 


keep it up with the beauties 
Chad Jameson 
Saint Marys, Pennsylvania 


Hearty thanks for a feature that 
exceeded my high expectations. 
John Harris 
Memphis, Tennessee 


Our judges say Nichole Long is a perfect 10. 


Any of those women could be Play- 
mates. And Hooters has good food. 
And PLAYBOY is great too. 

John Green 
Branford, Connecticut 


GENDER BENDER 

If you play as a female character in 
Mass Effect, which you name as one of 
the best video games of 2007 Games, 
February), and are generally a good per- 


13 


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| 


son, you get quite the treat in the form of 
alien-lesbian love. What you see is made 
all the hotter by what you don't. 

Tessa Garner 

Rapid City, South Dakota 


SEX IN AMERICA 
Тһе Bradys were not the first sitcom 
couple to be shown in bed together 
(Sex in America, February). This honor 
belongs to Johnny and Mary Kay 
Stearns of Mary Kay and Johnny, which 
premiered in 1947. 
David Way 
Beltsville, Maryland 


You write, “The myth of the chaste 
churchgoer is just that—a myth." Actu- 
ally, we do exist. Republicans may be 
more satisfied with their sex lives, but 
you neglect to mention how much of 
this sex and satisfaction is within mar- 
riage or even what percentage of these 
Republicans are married 

Name withheld 

Fulton, Missouri 


COURTING CORRI 
The antics of Corri Fetman, the 
attorney who introduced her overtly 
sexual ads on billboards and trucks in 
Chicago and posed for you (“Scorcher 
in the Court,” After Hours, February), 
trivialize an important issue. Divorce 
is not glamorous for anyone involved, 
especially the children. 
Jeffery Leving 
Chicago, Illinois 
Leving is an айотеу who specializes in 
fathers’ rights 


SEXY ADS 
How can you name the 21 Sexiest 
Commercials of All Time (February) and 
not include Rachel Specter's? The RGX 
Bodyspray chick deserves more credit, 
not to mention a PLAYBOY pictorial. 
J. Jacobs 
Alexandria, Virginia 
Tim Nudd of adfreak.com argues we also 
should have included the ad you'll find at 
youtube.com by searching for “Mr. Tree.” 


LOVE OF THE IRISH 

Irish McCalla (February) is the only 

thing my father and I ever agreed on. 
Robert Lee Hefter 

Wanamassa, New Jerse 


When I saw Irish McCalla’s name 
on the cover, my memory clicked on a 
luscious blonde riding a zebra. Sheena, 
my childhood love! 

‚Joseph Seemayer 
Knoxville, Tennessee 


1 dated Irish for about a year in 
the 19505. After I went into the Air 
Force she sent my ТАС sergeant an 
autographed photo and got me out of 


months of onerous duty. I was grateful 

for her intercession and her loyalty. 
E. Conway Stratford Jr. 
‘Torrance, California 


I've always thought I was born in the 
wrong decade, if not century, and now 
I've fallen in love with Irish McCalla. 
Travis Anderson 
St. Cloud, Minnesota. 


I grew up listening to stories about 
my grandpa’s favorite sister-in-law. 
Now I see why. 

J.R. Mayo 

‘Greenville, South Carolina 


1 enjoyed the “Big Mac" attack in 
February: Jenny McCarthy, Matthew 
McConaughey, Michelle McLaughlin 


Irish McCalla а few years before Sheena 


and Irish McCalla. Did you do this in 
anticipation of St. Patrick's Day? 
Doug Roman 
Colorado Springs, Colorado 


HIGH-ENERGY PLAYMATE 
Michelle McLaughlin (Michelle, Be 
Mine, February) is definitely а cutie, 
But the sign in your coflec-shop set has 
a typo: Surely you meant Colombian, 
not Columbian, blend. 
William McEwen 
Carrollton, Texas 
We wondered why that sign was half- 
price. We also wonder how you managed to 
see it behind a nude Playmate. 


‘The photo of Michelle on her knees in 
the tub is the hottest I have ever seen. 
David McDowell 
Louisville, Kentucky 


Has anyone else noticed Michelle's 
resemblance to Katherine Heigl? 
Carl Hart 
Cedar Hill, Missouri 


playbay.com/blog. 


Read more feedbac 


Emal via the web at LETTERS.PLAYEOY.COM Or write: 730 FIFTH AVENUE, NEW YORK, NEW YORK 10019 


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BABY GOT BACK. 


MINI CLUBMAN. THE OTHER MINI. 


Sy мам COOPER $ Jy — 
ECO POR | 


O adi 


Mayra 
Veronica 


A SINGING MODEL? WE'RE 
BEHIND HER ALL THE V 


Who says there's anything 
wrong with being a pinup? Not 
cover girl, calendar icon and 
aspiring singer Mayra Veronica. 
"When you get into music, 
you're supposed to put that 
aside," she says. "But being 
sexy and wearing revealing 
clothing is who 1 ат, and I'm 
not going to deny that aspect of 
myself. | always say it would be 
an insult to God's creation for 
me to cover up.” Cuban-born 
Mayra has never been shy about 
her body, which for а time was 
one lucky art student's inspira- 
tion. "My first boyfriend was 
an artist; he went to the School 
of Visual Arts in New York," 
she recalls. "I modeled nude 
for him all the time. | was very 
comfortable with it. 1 have 
beautiful paintings of myself. 
at home—they're in the bed- 
room, not the living room." In 
2007 Mayra joined hip-hop 
stars Big Boi, Young Jeezy and 
Ludacris (along with past 
PLAYBOY Babes of the Month 
K.D. Aubert and Melyssa Ford) 
in the video game Def Jam: 
Icon. As moderate gamers, 
we're curious: Did she get the 
Lara Croft treatment? (That's 
our term for game designers" 
habit of taking a realistic ren- 
dering of a heroine and boost- 
ing her breasts a few cup 
Sizes— just because they can.) 
"Actually, | was thinking the 
opposite," she says, perturbed. 
“In my case I think they brought 
them down. When | saw my 
character I said, ‘I thought 1 
was larger in...those areas.” 
Maybe they tried to tone it 
down a little for the kids." 


"It woul 
bear 


THOTOGRAPRET HOWARD HUANG 


STOP STARING 
AT MY BOOT. 


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Bias ————— 
| Jen MINI COOPER mE. ; 
AN = 2 
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MINIUSA.COM 


graduate of the month 


nencement 


Com ndres 
Com Undress 

U MASS'S BRITTANY SYLVANOWICZ DONS CAP 
AND GOWN THIS MONTH (JUST NOT RIGHT NOW) 


PLAYBOY: We hear you're graduating. Congrats 
BRITTANY: Thank you. It's been four fun years in Amh 
PLAYBOY: Bet you can't wait to start paying off those I 
BRITTANY: Actually, | had a full academic scholars! 
Wow. What's your next step 
BRITTANY: | want Vanna White's job. | am wicked е 
of Fortune, and | e-mail them almost every day, aski 
PLAYBOY: Any fallback plans? 

BRITTANY: | studied marketing, so if | get a job, it will probably be 
in that field. But my dad told те | could take the summer off. 
PLAYBOY: What do you mean, if you get a job? 

BRITTANY: Honestly, | just want to get married and have kids. 
PLAYBOY: Do you have a guy picked out? 
BRITTANY: No, but getting a boyfriend is on my to 
PLAYBOY: We're sure you have many suitors. 
BRITTANY: | pretty much never get hit on. | tell myself it's 
because | lock intimidating, but I don't really get it at all. 
PLAYBOY: Neither do we. How are your homemaking skills? 
BRITTANY: Well, | can't do laundry, but | can cock! | watch the 
Food Network every day. | even have a set of pink pots and pans, 
pink measuring cups and a pink apron. 

PLAYBOY: Nothing will discourage your man from. 
himself like pink pots and pans. What's your signatur 
BRITTANY: Me. | serve dinner wearing nothing bt 


at Wheel 
g about it. 


Want to be the next Coed of the Month? Learn how to apply at playboy compose. 


[afterhours 


If you're wearing a shirt with 
French cuffs, the setting likely 
calls for elegant, fairly simple 
cuff links. But once in a while 
you get to break out a novelty 
pair, and these flash card-like 
enamel squares by Simon Carter 
are ace. Combinations include 


DOGGY and STYLE, MELONS and 
JUGS, and SIXTY and NINE. Those 
Brits are so clever. 


vive acute leukemia and a s- 
arning to appreciate life and rewards, 
al, Evan Handler is a lot more 


plant without 
Twenty years after his or 
terested in what's right in the world than all that could go 


sk indulgences. 
r highbrow chef's fascist bar food 
sa Santa Monica standby. Prime beef, sautéed onion, bacon, 
Gruyère and blue cheese, with fries: It's not the cholesterol 
that'll Kill you; it's trying to find the ketchup or asking them 
to hold the cheese. They don't have any, and they won't.” 
ought some at full price, then 
n. Now | get e-mails asking 
No. Expensive? Quite 
[ D ¡son a prime rib- 
teak and grill to Coat both sides 
in a mixture of good olive oil, chopped fresh herbs (sage, 
semary, basil) and garlic. It may kill you, but you'll be 
aven 30 minutes bı ou die," 

"This is a superior California blend, as 
delicious asanything at any price. Drink with the above. Your 
taste buds will thank you. Your liver will get you later." 
For the gadget freak there's the Consumer 
Electronics Show, which happens to overlap with the Adult 
Entertainment Expo. Did | mest six models I'd, uhhh, ‘seen’ 
Did they invite me back to their room? To 
ing. I've got a wife, and she may kill me." 
moir, It's Only Tem- 
vs of Being Alive. 


! rks su | 
wore them 
where they 


n Califo 
from. Lethal? 


18 


20 


afterhours 


from the horseman's 


Jerry the Pacemaker 


When jockey Jerry Bailey retired, in 2006, he had won six Triple 
Crown races (two each of the Kentucky Derby, the Preakness Stakes 
and the Belmont Stakes) and 15 Breeders’ Сир races, You want in- 
sider knowledge? It doesn't get more inside than this. 

PLAYBOY: Is there any advantage to looking at the horses in the 
walking ring before the race? 

E Absolutely. If a horse is lathered up between his back legs—if 
you see a lot of white foam back there—that's not a good sign, even if 
its a hot day. It means he's worried about what he's going to do. 
PLAYBOY: Do bigger horses have an advantage over smaller ones? 

LEY: No. | don't look at size; | look at athleticism and proportions. 
| like a broad-chested and broad-assed horse for sprints, and | like 
g, lean muscles for distance and grass races. 

PLAYBOY: The Daily Racing Form will tell you whether а horse is on 
Lasix for the first time or at all. What's your take? 

B Lasix is a drug that prevents hemorrhaging in the lungs. The 
theory is that when a horse is on Lasix for the first time, you should 
mprovement. But | have always believed it's better the 
nd time the horse is on Lasix; unless it's given at the precise time 
in the exact dose, it could dull his performance. The second time, 
vt perform; let's back it down a little." 
PLAYBOY: Do all Derby winners have a good shot at the Triple Crown? 

ILEY: If à horse wins the Derby, there's no question it can win the 
Preakness—the Preakness is 110 yards shorter. When a jockey wins the 
Derby, he's thi ich is a mile and a half. | had 
horses 1 felt gc by that | knew had no chance 
whatsoever of 


The Body Meets the Lama 


EVEN THE GOVERNOR OF MINNESOTA 
ENJOYS A CADDYSHACK QUOTE 


In Jesse Ventura's new book, Don't Start the Revolu- 
tion Without Mel, the former gov looks back on his 
unique reign as Minnesota's chief executive. Here" 
a vignette we found particularly amusing. 


"We snuck the Dalai Lama out of the capitol build- 
ing. It has secret underground passageways where 
you can get people out if you need to. Then I went 
out to meet the press. By this point in my career as 
governor, they weren't exactly at the top of my list. 
I was staring quietly at them with a straight face. 
Of course the first question was ‘Well, what did the 
Dalai Lama say to you? 


“What a lead-in! How could the press spoon-feed 
me any better? | stayed stone-faced, and | said, 
‘Well, the Dalai Lama said to me, “Gunga gunga 
la gunga.” Which means when I die, I'll have total 
consciousness. So I've got that going for me!” 


“Only one of the media picked up on the humor. That 
was the fellow from Public Radio. | turned around 
and walked back to my office. No more questions. 
That's the only quote 1 gave “ет.” 


Bit of a Fix-You-Upper 


Jeffrey Morgenthaler is our 
f guy: ап ob: prac- 
t arts and an 
wn right. Не 
d the bar of the Bel 
Ami Restaurant & Lounge in 
crunchy Eugene, Oregon, mix- 
ing, remixing and improvising, 
and he documents his findings 
nthaler.com. Here's 
a tasty original he recommends 
for warm spring evenings. 


Bourbon Renewal 
2 oz. Woodford Reserve bourbon 
1 oz. fresh lemon juice 

% oz. simple syrup 

% oz. créme de cassis 

1 dash Angostura bitters 
Shake ingredients over cracked ice and strain into a rocks-filled 
highball or old-fashioned glass. Garnish with fresh black currants, 
If black currants are not in season, use a lemon wedge. 


[afterhours 


Other Countries, Other Hooch 


POTENT POTABLES FOR $500 WITH ZANE LAMPREY 


the world is d 
Cachaça "By 
like s 
caipirinha, but Bı 
traight, fr 
ho (little hammer’), At the 
Janeiro, | had the heartiest drink I've ever c 
cachaga and topped with bı od, and good fe 
Kaoliang "This is made from sorghum and drunk in Taiwan. Dru 
tive word here: The kaoliang | had was 116 p 


on a mission to get loaded. For a truly weird drinking exp: 
Alley, where kaoliang is mixed with substances from 
think of— including the penis and testicles. 


Absinthe “It tastes like Pine-Sol, and if you drink it in Р 
If you feel you must have it, try Ernest Hemingway's invent 
Pour a jigger of absinthe into a champagne glas 

may not taste better, but at least it has that Parisian cachet. 


de: 


warming up 


The Cat in the Hat Comes Back 


IS THERE NOTHING NEW UNDER THE SUN? 


It used to be that no businessman would leave the house 
ithout a fedora or homburg. In some states it was the 
ar designers are increasingly includ- 
and it's not 


law. Today mensv 
ing hats in their spring and summer line: 
merely nostalgia: The inconvenient truth is our skin 
needs a break from the ever angrier sun. A panama (like 


the Borsalino, above right) 
cucumber—or as cool as Terrence Howard, 
siderably cooler than a cucumber. 


ill keep you cool as a 
ho is con- 


udy brai 
strange s 


it of the sr 


stuff the re: 


zilians also take it 
mall glass called a 


visit Taip 


ке you can 


th in the aftern 
I milky. It 


Sleepaway Camp 


HAVING WORDS WITH ONE 
OF THOSE STONER DUDES 


You cannot escape Kal Penn. Epic 
Movie and the Van Wi 
play endlessly on HBO, Ho 

the best sho 1 TV. And that box 


bug him with dumb question: 
What's funny about Guantánamo 
Bay? Not a whole lot: violation of the 
Geneva convention and the use of 
torture, which will ultimately make 
us less safe, Not my idea of humor, | 
suppose. What is your fa 


White Castle menu? 


The 
non-GMO free-range-turkey burger 
with organic spinach is delicious. 
Oh wait, they don't have that. After 


Guantái 
and Ku 
Mansion? W 


10, where might Harold 
har go next? The Playboy 
y is Neil Patr Harris. 
ies? He's not, The real 
NPH is frozen, like Walt Disney. Did 
d or Kumar? Neither. 
1 wore whiteface and played Neil 
Patrick Harris. Was it fun getting 
back together with Ryan Reynolds 
in Ven Wilder: The Rise of Taj? A lot 
n—Ryan Reyn- 
hat movie! How can 
title if Van 
n't in it? That’$ а que$tion 
that'$ ea$ier to an$wer in print. Are 
you related to Sean Penn? Yes. Are 
lated to Ka better known 


rium on me. Do you believe in evil? 
Don't make me quote Nietzsche. 


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SIGNIFICA, 


5 
1 
2 


wing can pr 
almost 1 


lower back, and almost f 
fessionals will miss a 
tournament because ol 


Got Tail? 


Іп an MSNEC/IVil- 
lage survey, 6 

of women said they 
would hire a private 
eye to spy on their 
partner if the 
thought he was cheating. 


Aaaaaaaay! 


Milwaukee art lovers raisec 


than in privat 
tions to erect a statue of the 
on the city’s Riverwalk 


The Promised Land 


According to Yedioth Ahronoth, 7 
Israeli women enjoy giving blow jobs. 


оше of Carl 


ge No 


INSIGNIFICA, STATS AND FACTS 


All About the Hamilt 


The U.S. military is payin 


ЛШ Handicap 

Y The torque created 
$ by a pre 

; 


о 


ons 


Tazzi, tabloid 
ists, K-Fed, 


In 2007 global tourism in de 
Middle East rose by 13% (to 
46 million arrivals), the largest 
percentage increase in the world. 


Giving Up 
for Lent 


Brazil, home 


ПИ Есе MYSTERY 


IRON MAN 
Superhero films get an IQ upgrade 


After decades of Superman, Batman, Spider-Man and X-Men 
Тіске and various mutations, you may think Hollywood has 
played out the superhero genre. But not according to director 
Jon Favreau, who masterminded the offbeat casting of Robert 
Downey Jr., Gwyneth Paltrow, Jeff Bridges and Terrence Howard 
in ron Man, a big-screen version of the 45-year-old Marvel char- 
acter. The story ful ndustralistinventor 
Tony Stark ( who leads a double life as an armor-clad 
tighter of wrongs and uncovers a sinister plot with global impli- 


cations, “The hard thing was making „ * 
The film's 


this movie unique among superhero 

movies," says Favrea Marvel 

produced hon Man and industnal LONE and humor 
are as smart 

as its hero.” 


Light £ Magic supervised the 
effects, so you know those people 
Its surprising how seriously Robert took 
everything, from the casting process and preparing his body to 
doing such a great job on the set—which we expected—but 
by lending such enthusiasm to what is his first starring role 
in a mainstream action movie. Robert and Gwyneth are the 
strongest aspect of the film because they're not a traditional 
loveanterest duo, Its a working relationship, yet there's a lot of 
humor, chemistry and subtiety between them. They brought 
great shadings and slyness to their roles, and the film's tone 
and humor are as smart as its hero. That makes it unique." 


now showing 


Speed Racer 


The Wachowski brothers put a high-tech spin on this live-action 
version of the 19605 Japanese animated TV series. Hirsch, 
playing the kid born to race his family's Mach 5 car, competes 
In the dangerous cross-country rally that Killed his brother. 


Our call: Crazy action, cool 
gadgets, trippy special effects, 
Psychedelic production design, 
Chim Chim the simian sidekick 
and Ricci as Speed's girlfriend 
spell high-octane success. 


88 Minutes 

| o, Ali Pacino, a college profes- 
sor of forensic psychiatry, receives a death threat warning him. 
that he has only 88 minutes to live. Racing against the clock, 
the professor must track down three suspects: an ex-girlfriend, a 
troubled student and a serial killer waiting it out on death row. 


Our call: Minutes crawl like 
hours watching this implausible 
thriller marred by a see-through 
plot, some awful performances 
and a "surprise" killer who prob- 
ably won't surprise anybody. 


The Tourist 
In this 


erotic psychological thriller, womanizing Jackman introduces 
meek accountant McGregor to an underground sex club. 
McGregor soon becomes the prime suspect when a sexy woman 
and a multimillion-dollar fortune simultaneously disappear. 


Our call: A strong cast, steamy 
sex, action, thrills and dirty 
double crosses make this the 
kind of club plenty of people 
will want to join for a voyeuris- 
tic walk on the wild side. 


Forgetting Sarah Marshall 
E Segel wrote and stars in 


this Judd Apatow-produced comedy about a guy jetting off to 
a Hawallan resort, hoping to recover from being dumped by his 
longtime girifriend (Bell). Things get dicey when his ex happens 
to stay at the same hotel with her new rock-star boyfriend. 


Our call: Segel has called his fick 
part romantic movie, part disas- 
ter movie, but it also delivers big 
laughs thanks to beauties Bell 
and Kunis anc scene-stealing 
new guy Russell Brand. 


25 


reviews [ dvds & games 


landmark, albeit not one 
or the squeamish. Bar- 
dem's showy turn as the 
blood-splattering Anton 
Chigurh and the otherwise 
flawless ensemble more 
than stand up to repeat 
viewing. Best extra: The 
featurette “Working With 
the Coens: Reflections 
of Cast and Crew.” (BD) 
wy —Greg Fagan 


CLOVERFIELD This visceral monster 
movie zooms by thanks to its handheld- 
camcorder POV. The audacious cinema ver- 
ité storytelling will 
irritate some, but 
we'll take this over 
1998's Godzilla 
Best extra: Special 
effects featurette 
YYY —Buzz McClain 


Sexy ingenue Beau Garrett busted out as a Guess 
model in the 1990s before busting out of her bikini in the 
vacationphobic thriller Turistas (pictured), See her next in 
the wedding-day romantic comedy Made of Honor. 


JUNO This surprise hit is a hipster-spun pro- 
Ке comedy about a razor-sharp teen's unin- 
tended pregnancy. Director Jason Reitman 
finds the poignancy 
between the lines. 
Best extra: Musical 
montage of cast and 
crew dancing to “Do 
What You Want.” (BD) 
yyy G.F. 


FRANK SINATRA: THE GOLDEN YEARS 
Among the highlights of this fivesilm set are 
OF Blue Eyes's portrayals of a boozy writer 
in Some Came Run- 
ning (pictured) and a 
swinging NYC single 
in The Tender Trap. 
Best extra: Running 
making-of doc. УУУУ 

Matt Steigbigel 


ame f tt 


[ FUN IS ON THE MARCH ] 


The PSP delivers serious thrills on the go. Some recent standouts: 


God of War: Chains of Olym- 
pus Yes, your dreams have 
come true, Kratos is pocket 
able, and he is amazing. We're 
not sure how, but the sense of 
scale is as epic here as itis on 
the PS2. All the men-in-sandals 
bombast that makes God of 
War so great is intact. Throw 
‘on some headphones and lose 
yourself in the action. Wipeout 
Pulse A revamp of one of the 
PSP's launch titles with the 
benefit of all the programming 
tricks Sony has learned since. 
Wipeout's fundamental concept 
hasn't changed much, but 
those seeking gorgeous hover- 
track racing will dig the gener- 
ous assortment of new tracks 
and the addition (finally) of 
online racing. Patapon Reso- 
lutely strange and utterly 
endearing, Patapon puts you in 
charge of a tribe of tiny war- 


riors as they hunt, defend them- 
selves and conquer neighboring 
tribes. The twist: You control 
your minions entirely in the 
form of drumbeats tapped out 
on the PSP's face buttons. 
Shouldn't work. Does. Silent 
Hill: Origins This Silent Hill 
prequel sports exquisite graph- 
ics and the best realtime light- 
ing we've seen on a portable. 
The story is straight out of the 
Silent Hill plot generator but 
will still scare the living crap 
out of you. Syphon Filter: 
Logan's Shadow This black- 
ops stealth shooter offers 
some of the headiest portable 
pleasures available with near- 
perfect controls. The single- 
player adventure unfolds like a 
great action movie, while on- 
line play lets you test your ac- 
quired execution skills on your 
like-minded pals. —Scott Stein 


CONDEMNED 2: BLOODSHOT (360, 
Р53) This dark and atmospheric tale puts 
you back in the shoes of troubled Ethan 
Thomas, a down-and-out investigator 
recalled to duty to track down his partner, 
You'll do CSHite forensic analysis, but 
combat is the 
name of the game 
in this twisted 
thriller. Online it's 
okay, but single- 
player mode truly 
shines. yyy% 
—Marc Saltzman 


ARMY OF TWO (360, PS3) In this chest- 
thumping romp designed from the ground 
up as a co-op experience, you and a 
partner (either on the same system or 
over the Net) need to make the most of 
each other to survive. It's not perfect but 
offers enough 
original ideas 
and novel, team- 
based gameplay 
to keep your fin- 
ger firmly on the 
trigger. vuv 
Scott Steinberg 


‘WHERE AND HOW TO HUY ON PAGE vs 


ASE OF 


жайты ra Tn T^ — M 

a a ف‎ PENAT “ "P 
HyDORIAN AOVENTURES 5 L^ 
RELEASE YOUR 

INNER BARBARIAN 


ЦІ 


reviews [ music 


[мапа ве ІН о  Ҥ”Ҥ”ҤҺ- 


[ MATURITY! AT THE DISCO ] 


The Sin City gloom rockers have grown up—and cheered up—on their new album 


For most 21 year-olds the big- 
gest challenge in life Б finding 
а job or financing a new car 
For Las Vegas-based Panic at 
the Disco ifs figuring out how 
to build on the success of its 
double-platinum 2005 debut 
album, A Fever You Can't Sweat 
Out. The quartet has grown up 
physically and musically, and 
its followup, 
sunny Beach Boys-inspired 
pop rather than the guitar- 
heavy drama of the debut. We 
spoke to songwriter and guitar- 
ist Ryan Ross (pictured, third 
from left) about maturing 
to both take ch 
sically and get into bat 
Q: Even though you were 
under 21 when it came out 
were you able to celebrate your first album's success; 
A: Getting booze is pretty much impossible in Las eas The 
clubs out here are the strictest l've ever seen. The last time 
we played on tour had an afterparty at one of the nig 
clubs, It was our party, but they wouldn't let us in because 
weren't 21. It probably looked pretty bad from the fans’ stand- 


than the 17 cents. 


a fan who tells you, * love your album so much, I'm going to 
download it and make 50 copies for my friends”? 

hat's great. Record sales don't mean much anymore, Its more 
t- important to have people hear our music and make the extra effort to 
е see us play and then tell their friends about it. The payoff is stronger 
would make off the album. 


point, but the truth was they 
wouldnt let us in 

A: Judging by many of the 
songs’ upbeat nature, 
your mood seems to have 
improved since you've come 
of legal drinking age. 

Q: We were all in a pretty 
positive place while work- 
ing on this one, and | think 
that comes out in a lot of the 
songs. Its a big difference 
from the last album. There 
was definitely more of a nega- 
tive outlook overall on that 
one. For whatever reason, a 
lot of times you're just angrier 

hen you're 18 

A: Your band benefited 
from Internet-driven word of 
mouth. What do you say to 


Jason Newman 


[ SUPER GROOVES FROM SUPERTRAMP ] 


Funkadelic they aren't, but in today's post-genre world they're sample-worthy 


Fabolous sampled Supertramp's "Crime of 
Пішу” to anchor his "Breathe," but 
ritish band that's often lumped— 
albeit unfairly—with the prog- or artrock 
inkery of Yes or early Genesis and is 
also practically the official rock band of 
France, Supertramp has managed to find 


Back when James Brown breaks formed 
the basis of three quarters of all hip-hop 
es, and samples from other power 
house funk bands like P-Funk made up 
the rest, it didn't take a genius to kn 
where to look for cool clips. These days, 
however, eclectic is the name of the 
game, and suddenly 
Softrock Wurlitzer 
electric-piano lines 
don't seem out of 
place on a hard-ass 
mix tape. One re- 
sult? The return of 


itself in rather cool 
company. 


What the 
5 saying— 
as youn! d 


so wonderful and 
beautiful_—seemed 


forgotten 1970s hit- really relevant to the 
makers Supertramp. theme of Hood Eco- 
One of last year's nomics,’ which is an 


biggest songs "Cue 
pid's Chokehold” by 
Gym Class Heroes — 
was built around a 
hook from Super- 
tramp's “Breakfast in America." Now Tinie 
Tempah, a UK. grime MC, has hit upon the 


audio Scrapbook,” 
says Tempah. ^l 
loved the way such 
a melodic sample 
could be used within 
harsh 140 beatperminute grime. | loved 
the nostalgic feeling it brought me. | was 
group too, using a bit of "The Logical instantly returned to a time in my youth 
Song” on his "Hood Economics Room when | had sibilities, no bills to 
147. Perhaps it all began in 2004 when рау and no deadlines to meet." 


kin 


[ HOT TUNES ] 


This spring sees the return of a lot of big. 
bands. Here's the best of the bunch 


"Going On,” Gnarls Barkley Proves there's 
more to the new album than the single "Run." 


“Hollow Man.” R.E.M. This less raucous mo- 
ment from the new LP could be from Fables. 


“Couleurs,” M83 Latest LP has more rock; 
this is like a Flock of Seagulls instrumental. 


“Hang Them All," Tapes 'n Tapes Suggests 
Arcade Fire but with more rhythmic quirks. 


“it’s the Love,” The Breeders Nicks the fast 
bit from Dinosaur Jr.'s “Feel the Pain.” 


“Lasoo,” The Duke Spirit Gritty guitar rock, 
yes, but melodic, too—complete with homs. 


“Morning After Midnight," Adam Green Solo 
Moldy Peach goes blue-eyed Box Tops soul. 


“Guilt,” The Long Blondes Groovy and erotic 
New Wave from the new album Couples. 


“Do the Panic." Phantom Planet Destined to 
be considered a classic power-pop anthem. 


“Tell Me in Time," Peter Morén No Björn, 
по John anc no whistling. But real nice. 


DOWNLOAD FREE, EXCLUSIVE TRACKS BY TINIE TEMPAH AND PETER MOREN АТ PLAYBOY.COM MAGAZINE/CDS. 


reviews [ books 


[ THE KILLING IS OVER ] 


The first and last word on a literary giant's life and letters 


Kurt 


Vonnegut 


ARMAGEDDON 
IN RETROSPECT 


It can be а morbid genre, the posthumous 
quilt, stitched from work the dead master 
presumably found unsatisfactory. Thank- 
fully, this collection is such work from Kurt 
Vonnegut, whose best writing is a blur of fic- 
tion and memoir anyway and whose endur- 
ing gift—his clear-eyed, playful, decent 
voice—pours from this welcome book. 

It's thrilling to see that voice under con- 
struction in these 10 stories and one per- 
sonal essay. There's also an introduction by 
his son Mark, the old man’s last speech and 
a breathtaking letter from Private Vonnegut 
to his parents— Dear People:"—from May 
1945, which begins to describe his experi- 
ences as a prisoner of war during the fire 
bombing of Dresden, Germany: "Ive too 
damned much to say, the rest will have to 
wait." Dresden did wait, another 24 years, 
until 1969, when Vonnegut published 
Slaughterhouse-Five, and the onetime 
science-fiction writer became a distinctive 
voice of 20th century literature, The best 


stories in Armagecicon reveal Vonnegut struggling to comprehend the war and looking for 
a form to contain all that absurdity and horror. “It's over, the killing is all over,” one of Von- 
neguts characters says. "Did anyone in his right mind expect to be alive when it was over?" 
It's a question Vonnegut pondered for more than 60 years (one of the subtitles of 
Slaughterhouse-Five is A Duty Dance With Death), bewildered that the world had emerged 
from the cataclysm without seeming to have learned a damned thing. ¥¥¥ —Jess Walter 


Inreduetionby Mark Vonnegut 


THE SECOND PLANE * Martin Amis 

Like his Коба the Dread, this collection of 
Martin Amis's writings on 9/11 feels like a 
settling of accounts—not only with the 
death«ult demagoguery of Bin Laden but 
with a younger, more naive version of Amis 
himself. His dissection of Islamist ilogic is 
cleareyed and laudable, but his palpable fear 
of being called а moral relativist often causes 
him to ейде the West's 
unwitting complicity in 
stoking Al Qaeda's hatred. 
Apitchblack, grotesquely 
funny satire involving а 
double for one of Sad- 
dam's sons sits uneasily 
amid the finger wagging 
УМУ —Andrew Hultkrans 


ALL FOR A FEW 
PERFECT WAVES * David Rensin 
Miki Dora hated the spotlight, But the story 


cory of the iconic surfer and scam artist who 
^ ruled Malibu in the 1950s and 1960s and 
Lak spent the 1970s on the lam is too good 
WH, | not to be told. пеон Contributing Editor 

\ Rensin weaves quotes from more than 300 

\ interviews with Dora's friends (and enemies) 


into a candid portrait of 
a rebel who cruised the 
world's best beaches on 
bad checks and forged 
credit cards. This book 
isn't just about surfing: 
it's about risking it all for 
complete personal free- 
dom. ¥¥¥ —Веп Conniff 


t prison I 


Planning on committing a crime and looking for a deterrent 
better than three strikes? Peruse our picks for the highlights 
of prison lit. House of the Dead is based on Dostoyevsky's 
nine-year exile in Siberia, and while grimly realistic and spare, 
itis also a humanist's tribute to man's capacity to overcome 
the indignities and miseries that attend not just forcible con- 
finement but life itself. One Day in 
the Life of Ivan Denisovich was 
Solzhenitsyn's debut; it describes the 
grueling hours that form a day in the 
life of a Soviet gulag. When published 
in 1962 it was the first openly distrib- 
uted, Khrushchev-approved novel of 
dissent and remains among the most 
searing indictments of Stalinism avail- 
able. House of Meetings, Martin 
Amis's contemporary take on the 
Soviet gulags, shows him to be a 
student of the above novels and the 
Russian enthusiasm for punishment. 
His novel deftly combines memories of a love triangle 
behween two brothers with the cruel realities of their life in 
the camps. Papillon, Henri Charriére's best-selling autobio- 
graphical novel, chronicles his bid to escape Devil's Island, 
something never accomplished before him. It is an engross- 
ing paean to obsessive-compulsive behavior and the subject. 


of a 1973 film starring Steve McQueen. A Bad Man is Stan- 
ley Elkin's darkly funny story of a department-store owner 
jalled for eagerly providing shoppers with drugs, guns, even 
abortions. He endures a yearlong detention overseen by 
inventive sadists and comes to terms with his own irre- 
pressible criminality. Bernard Malamud's Pulitzer Prize-win- 
ning novel The Fixer is based on the 
infamous 1913 Mendel Bellis trial and 
is a harrowing account of a man who, 
despite enduring a range of torments, 
refuses to confess to a crime he did 
mot commit. Hubert Selby Jr., author 
of Last Exit to Brooklyn, took on the 
prison genre with his novel The 
Room, which tracks the effects of 
isolation on a petty felon who retreats 
into sadistic fantasies of rage and 
revenge. In the Belly of the Beast 
comprises a selection of Jack Henry 
Abbott's urgent letters to Norman 
Mailer and documents a career сгітіпа!5 savage existence 
behind bars. Called the "great American prison novel" by Kurt 
Vonnegut, On the Yard was written while repeat offender 
and author Malcolm Braly was incarcerated. It features an en- 
semble cast, from psychopaths to martyrs, and shows 
prison to be a frighteningly familiar, distinctly American place. 


28 


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IT'S BEEN 10 years since the Guggenheim Museum placed vintage motorcycles on the pedestal of high art, but bikers have wanted 
more, Three years ago the Legend of the Motorcycle show ($65 a person, legendofthemotorcycle.com) began filling the vacuum. 
Concelved by founders Jared Zaugg and Brooke Roner as "the first concours d'elegance exclusively for motorcycles," the event 
places immaculately restored machines in a luxury setting—think Pebble Beach on two wheels. At the Ritz-Carlton in Half Moon 
Bay, California on the first Saturday in May, some 6,000 fans will wax nostalgic about snorting Nortons (this year's featured 
marque) and gawk at gleaming MV Augustas, along with more than 150 other beautifully restored one-of-a-kind, last-of-a-kind, 
best-of-breed pre-1978 classics. Arrive early to see the bikes emerge from the morning fog, all lined up on a fairway overlooking 
the Pacific. Soon racing legends (including Giacomo Agostini, who will receive a lifetime-achievement award) will rub elbows with 
designers, celebrities and the mechanically obsessed. There are auctions, art-gallery receptions and charity rides (the area hosts 
some ofthe best roads in the state). As for luxury, belly up to the bar for a $20 Kobe-beef bacon cheeseburger or retire with your 
lady to your room for a butler-drawn bath (complete with floating rose petals). Sturgis and Daytona were never like this. 


Talk Is Chic 


IF YOU'RE GOING to hang something on your 
ear all day, know that-Jike it or пог—уоште 
accessorizing. Plantronics’ Discovery 925 
Bluetooth headset ($150, plantronics 


The Sun Is a Bitch 
THESE HAND-POLISHED BLINDE shades ($295, osainternational 
сот) work just fine for a lazy day by the pool, but they also 
have the strength and НЕ for a more active afternoon. A stainless- 
steel core hugs your face gently but firmly with hinges anchored 
by Blinde's seven-barrel, six-pin system. The lenses ward off. 
mother nature's attempts to scorch your retinas, while five anti- 
reflective layers block bounce-back glare and a hydrophobic 
coating protects the lenses from dust and dirt. Cool. 


com) eases the sting a bit and won't 
make you look like the Borg's latest 
acquisition. Tipping the scales at just 
eight grams, it's comfortable for 
long-term use and has a mini- 
malist design that doesn't 
scream “tech dork.” Also, its 
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an extra five hours of 
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a 


32 


The Shelf-ish Gene 


FOR THE LIFE of us we can't figure out why most 
shelves are so goddamn boring. Say good-bye to 
rectilinearity with the Opus Shelving System ($495, 
dwr.com), whose odd angles allow you to buck tradi- 

jon and compartmentalize your reading at the same 
time. The Opus can be placed on any of its four sides 
and stacked with other units to create as large a can- 
vas as you need to express your bibliophilia. 


Pole Position 


WHEN THE POLISH start drinking, the smart money gets out 
of the way. Remember, this is a culture that developed round- 
bottomed shot glasses you can't set down. Belying this hard- 
drinking image, though, is the country's silky and flavorful 
U'Luvka vodka ($58). Made from a blend of rye, wheat and 
barley, with subtle notes of anise and grain, it’s that rare vod- 
ka that is equally appealing in a cocktail or sipped neat at 
room temperature. Those looking for the authentic experi- 
ence are directed to the signature ice bucket, which comes 
with a rackful of un-put-downable shot glasses ($350). 


Grand Slam 


LEGEND HAS IT Ping-Pong was developed by bored 
British soldiers in India. In 1891 John Jaques, a Lon- 
don game maker, formalized the rules and table, and 
1900 saw the first national championship, played on 
Jaques's "Prince Albert" table. Starting this month, 
exact reproductions of the Prince Albert (52,975, 
newyorkfirst.com) will be available in the United 
States for the first time. They offer the most fun per 
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IF ANY GAME needs to lighten up a little, it's chess. Add some much-needed 
whimsy to the ancient game of intellectual combat with Umbra's Wobble 
chess set ($263, umbra.com). Each space on the walnut-and-maple board is 
a concave indentation, and all the pieces have Weeble-like weighted, curved 
chrome-plated bottoms. Thus the slightest touch sends them bobbing to and 
fro, but none will ever leave its proper position. Overall it creates a far more 
relaxing environment in which to humorlessly bulldoze your competition 


USUALLY, IF LEATHER is submerged 
in salt water for years, it's useless. 
The exception: stingray skin, once 
used to protect samurai warriors in 
battle. These leathers of Thai origin 
are being revived as distinctive alter- 
natives for men's accessories. This 
belt and wallet from Torino Leather 
($220 and $140) have smooth 
beaded surfaces that are water- 
resistant and extremely durable. 


Phones, Holmes 


SAY WHAT YOU will about Apple, but 
its foray into cell phones has made 
other companies step up their game. 
From top: Sony Ericsson's Z555 
(sonvericsson.com) is proof that an 
entry-level phone can be stylish and 
feature-rich, with its diamond-black 
shell and gesture controls that let you 
end calls with a wave of your hand. 
Motorola's ROKR E8 (motorola.com) 
transforms its entire face to suit the 
task at hand, whether you're browsing 
the web, listening to music or (heaven 
forbid) making a call. Finally, LG's Voy- 
ager (for Verizon, Ige.com) is gorgeous 
and versatile, with a force-feedback 
touch screen outside for making calls 
and triggering music and a generous 

94 qwerty keypad inside for texting. 


WHERE AND HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 123. 


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| haven't had a serious girlfriend in four 
years. I meet girls who I think are girl- 
friend material, but I immediately lose 
interest as soon as I sleep with them. I 
miss being in a serious relationship but 
don't know how to get much further than 
a few dates. Is this just instinct encourag- 
ing me to spread my seed? What can I 
do to stop this from happening? I don't 
want to pass up a real relationship with a 
great girl because my penis is telling me, 
Been there, done that, move on."—N.B., 
Sacramento, California. 

t sounds as though you're ambivalent about 
these women to begin with, but this becomes 
apparent only after you have cleared your head 
and your testicles. You could continue to search 
with the idea that you just haven't met the right 
girl, but we have a more radical suggestion. 
Quit being such a slut. The next time you fall 
for someone, challenge yourself to lose interest 
before you've had sex. That may mean keeping 
your clothes on for a few more dates, but if 
you can keep each other entertained, you may 
be surprised to find yourself in the early days 
ofa serious relationship. Although your brain 
is pushing you to reproduce, there is no rule. 
that says you have to sleep with a woman just 
because she is willing to sleep with you, espe- 
cially when you're ready for something deeper 


You could have offered a more complete 
response to the reader who wrote in Jan- 
wary because he fantasized about his girl- 
friend making out with another man but 
stopping short of penetration. You noted 
this is a common fantasy but wrote, "The 
challenge will be finding a masochist will- 
ing to suffer blue balls for your benefit." 
In fact, BDSM sites such as collarme.com 
(where I hang out; I'm a dominatrix) are 
full of ads from docile men who crave or- 
gasm denial or cuckolding. I know of one 
submissive who says his wile has kept him 
chaste for almost two years. That's a bit 
extreme; a week of denial is long enough 
10 give a man an explosive orgasm with- 
out making him grumpy.—P.A., San 
Francisco, California 

This is the second response in a row dis- 
cussing orgasm denial; we need to get this col- 
umn back on track. We suppose when you've 
tried everything, the only thing left is nothing. 
We also suppose a lot of sexually frustrated 
husbands are reading this and thinking, I'm 
supposed to be turned on because she always 
says no? That is passive orgasm denial. In the. 
active version the woman mercilessly teases 
her partner while insisting he can't come until 
she gives the okay. Any adventurous couple 
should give that a try for а week. In the past 
we've even suggested engaged couples abstain 
for a month or two before the ceremony to 
‘work up steam for the wedding night. 


Ta like to lose some weight. I understand 
that will involve getting off my butt but am 


unsure which diet would be best. Can you 
suggest one?—J.N., Tacoma, Washington 

Sure. It's the same one nutritionists have 
been recommending for 50 years: Besides 
exercising regularly, consume fewer calo- 
ries by eating smaller portions and avoiding 
snacks, banish junk food and eat mostly fruit: 
vegetables and whole grains. Studies on twins 
suggest genetics may account for about 70 per- 
cent of our weight. As Gina Kolata explains 
in her book Rethinking Thin, it appears our 
metabolism slows down or speeds up to keep 
us within 20 to 30 pounds of our default 
weight. That may explain why it’s so hard to 
keep the pounds off. Research also suggests 
overweight people experience more intense 
hunger. Traditionally, saturated fat has been 
thought to be the chief dietary culprit behind 
obesity. But Gary Taubes, in his history and 
critique of modern diets, Good Calories, Bad 
Calories, puts the blame on the introduction to 
the American diet in the 1980s of high levels 
of refined carbs, particularly sugar and sweet- 
eners that trigger surges of insulin, which 
regulates fat accumulation. Taubes notes that 
the typical American in the early 1800s ate 
178 pounds of red meat a year. We still do, 
but we've added 150 pounds of sugar and 
sweeteners. It may be, he proposes, that the 
low-fat, high-carb diets popular over the past 
30 years "are not only making us heavier but 
contributing to other chronic disease as well,” 
such as diabetes, hypertension, cardiovascular 
disease and cancer. 


In February you told readers buying 
а new flat-screen television to "choose 
a size and then go up one notch from 
that" because "almost everyone who buys 
a new HDTV vill tell you they regret not 
going larger." In my experience asa pro- 
fessional installer. I find the opposite is 


ILLUSTRATIONEN ISTVAN BARA 


true three quarters of the time. People 
always tell me they regret buying such a 
large screen hecause they can sce every 
pixel just as they could on their old set. 1 
counsel them to go a size smaller—C.M., 
Waukesha, Wisconsin 

Thanks for writing. That is surprising, 
though we've since heard from readers who 
say their new TV took over the room. 


This past fall a groom asked about giv- 
ing his groomsmen gift subscriptions 10 
PLAYBOY, and you advised against it, say- 
ing he would only cause problems for 
them by upsetting their girlfriends or 
wives. That is probably truc—all my past 
girlfriends got upset when they found 
out I have a subscription. Here's the 
trick: Tell your girlfriend you will give 
her cach issue when it arrives and she can 
tear out any pages she wants, Each of my 
girlfriends agreed to this, and without fail 
they all grew to enjoy the magazine so 
much I had to buy a second subscription 
for myself —C.R., Orlando, Florida 

You are a man of great and enduring faith. 


| was in a class with five other gentlemen, 
and three wore their watch on the right 
wrist. I was taught that your watch аһ 
goes on the lefi. Has that changed? 
Upper Marlboro, Maryland 

It used to be the only guys who wore 
wristwatches on their right wrists were left- 
handers. But now some men do it just to 
be different, so you can no longer impress 
anyone with your powers of observation by 
saying, “So you're left-handed, 


In January you advised a woman whose 
husband likes her to give him blow jobs 
while he surfs for computer porn. First, 
a woman who watches porn with her 
spouse and stimulates him at the same 
ume isn't a “fluffer,” as you refer to 
her. It adds an exciting component to 
a monogamous relationship. Second, if 
she hasn't asked him to go down on her 
more than three times a year, she should. 
try talking to him. Finally, going alone 
10 marriage counseling, as you suggest, 
works only for that person. If the cou- 
ple needs counseling, they should go 
together. It sounds as if they just need 
to get on the same pa; 
Morgantown, West Vir 
As usually happens, we'll stick with our 
advice. You misread that letter badly. 


ке heard of women having multiple 
orgasms, but how about more than 50? I 
swear this woman I'm sleeping with comes 
within seconds of my fingers touching her 
clit. If give her head, she shakes, arches 
her back and shoves her crotch into my 
face every 10 seconds. If I'm down thet 
for 10 minutes, that has to be at least 


PLAYBOY 


38 


climaxes, I'd love to brag about my skills, 
but I don't think Pm doing anything 
special. I know it sounds ridiculous, but 
why would a woman fake that many 
orgasms?— ].L., Albany, New York 

Does she claim to be coming so often? She 
тау just be enthusiastic. But yes, й is possible 
she is enjoying rapid-fire orgasms. Scientists 
have recorded one woman coming 134 times 
in an hour. Researchers are still not sure, 
however, if what most people refer to as mul- 
tiples are actually “sequential” orgasms (with 
a pause of as few as 15 to 30 seconds between 
each) or one lengthy climax that is sustained 
with continual stimulation. We'd be curious 
how your girlfriend describes the experience. It 
must be exhausting to be female sometimes. 


White vacationing in France I came 
across a wine shop that had some old, 
rare bottles that started at about $500 
each. How can you tell if they аге genu- 
inc? It seems as though it would be easy 
to stick an “aged” label on any bottle, 
especially when you're selling to tour- 
ists —N.E, Tampa, Florida 

Tt would be. In fact, this is the subject of 
much conversation among serious wine col- 
lectors. Sometimes counterfeiters will fake less 
expensive bottles in greater quantities, but it’s 
easier to knock off one $4,000 bottle of Château 
Lafite Rothschild, and fewer people know what 
its supposed to look like, One collector, investor 
Russell Frye, had the unpleasant experience of 
asking Sotheby's to assess his 10,000-bottle col- 
lection for auction and having the auction house 
decline to list about 10 percent of his holdings. 
“It included some of the rarest wines I owned, 
he says. “The problem was, when buying them, 1 
had no resources to check their authenticity.” So 
Frye launched a site, wineauthentication.com, 
to help collectors evaluate suspect bottles. Tell- 
tale signs of counterfeiting are usually found in 
the label, cork, glass and lack of provenance. 
ће bottles are everywhere,” Frye says. “Some 
have been passed among collectors for decades, 
and certainly they're sometimes sold at restau- 
rants. The classic example is having a six-liter 
bottle of a rare wine only to discover that the 
vineyard never made a six-liter bottle. ГИ be 
drinking that one soon. The irony is that once 
in a while the fakes taste quite nice.” They're 
just vastly overpriced. 


1 have a friend who insists he has a 
phobia of big-breasted women. I doubt 
it, but who knows? Can you actually be 
afraid of big breasts, or is he bullshit- 
tingi— N.S.. Columbus, Ohio 

You are a good friend to have because you 
always keep your buddies entertained. Its cer- 
tainly possible to be traumatized by large breast, 
but we know of only one example: the guy who 
sued a Florida strip club after a dancer's 40 
DDD breasts allegedly gave him whiplash when 
she jumped into his lap at his bachelor party. If 
that's your friend, we would believe him. 


Regarding the letter in February in which 
a woman claimed her husband's penis 
sometimes "slipped" and went into her 
ass unlubricated, I've had anal sex with 


many women and have never slipped 
into their anus, even with extreme lubri- 
cation. Either the reader has an unusu- 
ally large anus or she just can't admit 
she enjoys anal sex. Or maybe I've been 
doing something wrong all these years. 
Can slippage happen that easily2—P. 
Cleveland, Ohio 

You're right to be skeptical. We assumed his 
“slippage” was no accident and without lube 
he was penetrating just far enough to make 
an impression. 


My nephew is getting married, and the 
bachelor party will be in Vegas. We want 
him to have a great time without any 
trouble. Intercourse is probably not a 
good idea because of the risks, and he has 
made a major commitment to someone 
special. But is a hand job okay?—M.K., 
Ashburn, Virginia 

Okay with whom? His fiancée is the only 
person who can provide à seal of approval, 
but your nephew may not want a hand job 
under those circumstances anyway. 


Town a small professional practice and 
frequently replace our computers, Before 
giving them to charities I remove the 
hard drives to safeguard confidential data. 
What is the most secure and environmen 
tally sound way to dispose of these drives? 
Something tells me there is а better way 
than the sledgchammer-on-the-back-patio 
method.—] S., Newport Beach, California 

The only totally secure method is incinera- 
tion, But a sledgehammer is a close second. 
Most people don't go to those extremes but 
rely on software that overwrites their drives 
repeatedly with gobbledygook. This is necessary 
because when you delete a file on your drive it 
doesn't actually go away. Instead, the file is 
made invisible to the operating system so the 
space it occupies can be written aver with new 
data. This means older data can usually still be 
retrieved—bored geeks often buy used drives to 
see what they can recover. There are a number 
of free Windows scrubbers available online, 
such as Eraser, Darik's Boot and Nuke and 
File Shredder 2. Оп а Mac choose FINDER and 
then SECURE EMPTY TRASH for a basic overwrite 
or do a seven- or 35-pass scrub of your free 
space via the disk utility. To add another layer 
of security you can encrypt your data before 
obscuring it. Finally, if you ever have trouble 
locating a charity to reuse your equipment, 
visit sharetechnology.ong or, for recycling infor- 
mation, computertakeback.org. 


А reader asked in February if there was 
a way to make his girlfriend's nipples 
larger. You said по; he must “play wha 
dealt.” That is incorrect. 1 have used 
nipple suction for more than two years, 
and the suction cups do enlarge nip- 
ples. Start slow with 15-minute sessions 
twice a week. Now I can go three hours. 
When the cups are removed, touching 
my enlarged nipples causes exquisite 
pleasure. My wife says my enlarged 
nipples turn her on, too. However, I 
would not increase my nipple size for 


anyone but myself. Biologically 1 am 
in the 20 percent of males who enjoy 
nipple stimulation. I kept my sensitive 
nipples a secret for the first 25 years of 
our marriage. But if I had the opportu- 
nity I would have introduced them to 
my wife on our wedding night —].L., 
Pomona, California 

We heard from other male readers who 
have enlarged their nipples using clamps, 
clothespins or tiny suction cups sold by nipple 
funwearcom. But please, guys, no more pho- 
tos. We believe you. And we still think he 
should play what's dealt. 


The other night, for the third time in my 
26 years, 1 lost my erection as soon as 
my date and 1 were ready to have inter- 
course. At first I thought it was the a 
ety of being with a new partner, since the 
second time it happened (a few months 
ago) I was also with a new partner. The 
first time it happened, four years ago, I 
was with someone I had been dating for 
а while. Another strange fact (and my 
two most recent partners agree) is that 
I've lost my erections so easily when 1 
haven't had sex in a while. You'd think 
I'd be ready to go after a dry spell. Addi- 
tionally, my erections have not been as 
intense as they were a couple of years 
ago. Fortunately, all three women were 
great sports, and eventually we got the 
show on the road. But even during 
intercourse it feels as if the intensity of 
my erection comes and goes.—E.L., Las 
Cruces, New Mexico 

Everything you deseribe is normal. You 
aren't а machine. We blame porn for some of 
this misperception about men's bodies, due to 
its habit through judicious editing of show- 
ing guys continuously rock-hard. However, 
if you watch scenes as carefully (and cyni- 
cally) as we do, you'll often see a performer 
stroking himself in the bachground during 
group scenes so he can stay aroused (despite 
having а live sex show three feet away), tak- 
ing a break from penetration so he can get 
а quick blow job to reestablish his wood or 
gingerly lowering his screen partner onto 
his erection because it's bending like a stalk 
of wheat. And these guys are professionals. 
When this happens during sex, don't sweat 
it. If your erection wants to take a break, 
surely you can find something to do with a 
naked woman in the meantime. 


Alll reasonable questions—from fashion, food 
and drink, stereos and sports cars to dating 
dilemmas, taste and etiquette—will be per- 
sonally answered if the writer includes a 
self-addressed, stamped envelope. The most 
interesting, pertinent questions will be pre- 
sented in these pages each month. Write the 
Playboy Advisor, 730 Fifth Avenue, New 
York, New York 10019, or send e-mail by vis- 
iting our website at playboyadvisor.com. The 
Advisor's latest book, Dear Playboy Advisor, 
is available at bookstores, by phoning 800- 
423-9494 or online at playboystore.com. 


THE PLAYBOY FORUM 
WHY WE LOATHE LIBERALS 


IN TODAY'S POLITICAL ARENA THERE ARE FEW THINGS 
LOWER THAN A LIBERAL 


BY ERIC ALTERMAN 


that America would be 
a damn fine place were 


we can all agree 


it not for liberals screw- 
ing up everything every- 
where. How do they keep. 
getting away with it? The 
problem is liberals are 
tricky. They get people to 
vote for their candidates 
and their causes despite 
the fact that everybody 
knows their naked ambi- 
tion is to ruin America 
and then turn it over tc 
the terrorists 

Look at Mitt Romney 
for God's sake. When the 
Minister gave his coura- 
geous withdrawal speech 
to the Conservative Politi- 
cal Action Committee, in 
February, he had the guts 
to congratulate the crowd 
for being willing “to show 
up, stand up and speak 
up for conservative prin- 
ciples” and tell the truth 
about liberals. He got nc 
credit for this, of course 
because liberals control the media. There's Rupert Mur- 
doch—well, okay. But General Electric (which owns 
NBC), Viacom (which owns CBS) and Disney (which owns 
ABC), they're all liberals. Sure, GE tries to confuse hon- 
est Americans by building nuclear weapons and nuclear 
power plants, and Viacom's Sumner Redstone said in 
2004 that Bush was the best candidate for the business 
but we know best. Heck, Disney has been trying to under- 
mine the American family since Minnie let Mickey kiss her 
without a wedding ring. (No wonder they haven't told us 
the truth about those Iraqi WMDs.) 

The Mittmeister told it like it is: "Liberals" tolerance. 
of sexual promiscuity" has led to today's "grim realities 
No wonder unperverted Americans prefer leaders like 
Newt Gingrich, Bob Livingston, Henry Hyde and Dan 
Burton, who commit adultery privately instead of in ће 
Oval Office where everybody can see them. Or Mark 
Foley, who liked to send the occasional gay come-on IM 
to a page or two but had the cojones to tell the world what 
Bill Clinton did was “vile,” adding how “sad” he was “te 
see someone with such potential throw it all down the 
drain because of a sexual addiction." And don't forget 
Larry Craig, who complained that Bill Clinton was a 
nasty, bad, naughty boy" but forgot to mention. well 


that's just the kind he 
likes. (To be fair, Craig’ 
insistent claim of inno- 
cence is at least as compel- 
lin s that of Bob Allen, 
the Florida Republican 
representative and titular 
head of the McCain cam: 
paign there, who told cops 
he had offered to perform 
oral sex in a public bath- 
room because, as the only 
Caucasian in the restroom, 
he felt he was "in danger 

of being robbed.") 
Okay, back to business 
liberals. The Mittmobile 
tried to tell those smarty- 
ants reporters that lib- 
erals want to substitute 
government largesse for 
dividual responsibility 
They fight to strip work 
requirements from wel- 
fare, put more people on 
Medicaid and "remove 
more and more people 
from having to pay any 
ome tax whatsoever.” 
* Well, he really got ‘em 
with that one. Sure, President Bush and the Republi- 
cans passed a Medicare overhaul that will likely cost as 
much as $21.9 trillion, of which roughly $16.6 trillion is 
unfunded. And they needed to break all the House rules 
and actually prevent companies from offering cheaper 
prices to consumers. But heck, did Mitt Romney men- 
tion Medicare? Nope. Smart fellow. Read the text: “Med- 

icaid." That's the problem. Conservatives rule 

And then there's the economy. If you're anything like 
Mitt, I bet you're worried that if the liberals take over 
economic neophytes would layer heavier and heavier 
burdens on employers and families, slowing our economy 
and opening the way for foreign competition to further 
erode our lead.” Of course, since 1960 the federal deficit 
has averaged $131 billion under Republican presidents, 
while Democrats have kept it at about $30 billion; on aver 
age а Republican year sees the deficit grow by $36 bil- 
in, while under Democrats it shrinks by $25 billion. 
blah blah blah. As the great, great, great, grat Ronald 
Reagan used to say, "facts are stupid things." Yeah, yeah 
national debt has increased more than $200 billion a year 
under Republican presidents and less than $100 billion. 
a year under Democrats, but so what? Rich people surc 
get a lot richer under Republicans. According to the U.S 


38 


40 


Internal Revenue Service, the only tax- 
payers whose share of taxes declined 
in 2001 and 2002 were those in the 
top 0.1 percent—Americans carning 
more than $10 million a year. The fol- 
lowing year their tax share declined 
These same lucky 
folks now pay a lesser share of their 
income in taxes than those who make 
between $100,000 and $200,000 a year 
Meanwhile, the average chief executive 
of a Standard & Poor's 500 company 
took home $13.5 million in total com- 
pensation in 2005, a year in which the 


by another million 


top one percent of Americans earned 
nearly 22 percent of all income. Believe 
it or not, by 11:02 A.M. of the first day 
of work on the first day of the ycar, onc 
of these average CEOs will г 
moola than a minimum-wage dweeb 


ake more 


the payroll will make in the entire year 
Is this a great country or what? 

Don't forget the terrorists (though 
liberals would love it if you did). Mitt 


told it like it is when he tore back the 
curtain on liberals. They want to give 
the country away to terrorists. “Barack 


and Hillary have made their intentions 
clear regarding Iraq and the war on 
terror,” he said. “They would retreat 
ind declare defeat. And the conse- 
quence of that would be devastating 
It would mean attacks on America 
launched from safe havens that make 
Afghanistan under the Taliban look 
like child's play." About this, Mitt had 
no doubt, And why should he? The lib- 
erals plan to surrender to terror 

Of course, Mitt and his five sons. 
together with George W. Bush, Dick 
Cheney and just about everybody who 
planned and executed the Iraq war 
And that 
according to our own intellige 


managed to stay out of combat 


agencies, has made us far less secu 
And we've sent our boys to fight it with- 
out body armor, and we've cut their VA 
benefits, and we're losing soldiers even 
faster than Greenland is losing glaciers 
he c 
fail the toe-counting tests, when we're 


accepti 


not forcing the others to stay for “stop 
leave” after “stop leave”—well, there I 
go again, getting all confused by that lib- 
eral claptrap. But hell, it's tough. After 
all, fully 55 veterans—many of whom 
served in Iraq and Afghanistan—signed 
up to run for office as Democrats in 
2006. Imagine that: Veterans who want 
to "retreat, declare defeat” and invite 
attacks on America.” Remember: They 
want to surrender to terror. If Mitt 
doesn't scare them, maybe they'd like 
to go hunting with Cheney 


Eric Alterman or of Why We're Liberals. 


FORUM 


arty can sound 


‘ors withdraw- 


ding corporate 
welfare and li 
drugs. But the party, by soi 
the ontinuously operating third 
party in the U.S. 

radically and priv 
Social Security. Wil 
Libertarian p 


asures 
argest 
Iso wants to cut taxes 


ize education and 
а Redpath, the 


or parties. "I 
serious about 


TWO 


THE GRAND OLD 
(INDEPENDENT) PARTY 


ANDIDATI 


By Robert Levine 


PARTIES 


TALK 


discussed the movement with Redpath, 
who has already secured his place on 
the November ballot 

PLAYBOY: Asa Libertarian, what do you 
think is the proper role of government? 
REDPATH: Government has grown 
ause people are unable or 


so big be 


unwilling to distinguish between that 


which is good and that which is just 


Government should be an agent for 


justice, not an agent for good. There's 
an infinite amount of good to be done 
ser: 


NO_CHQICE ( 


he size of government, no one 
in the two he says. He has 
sher words for George W. Bush, who 
lieves has squandered too much 
money to fight a war that contril 
little to national security. In his antiwar 
4 government 


dp 
ndidate Re 
h and P. 


lican presidential 
Paul. And though Red- 
al both offer a vision of per- 
coupled with lower taxes 


of course, also mean 


(which would 


less on overstreiched schools 
ucture), they repre: 
of libertarianism 


spendi 


anda infras 


sent divergent w 


Paul is associated with the populist 
palcolibertarianism of Alabama's Mises 
Institute, set up by a rebel faction that 
in 1082 broke with the more traditional 
libertarianism represented by Redpath 
and associated with Washington's Cato 
Institute. With Paul's candidacy for the 


Republican nomination finished, we 


in this world—and if here's an infinite 
amount of good to be done, you're giv- 
ing government license to get involved. 


in every nook and cranny of our lives, 
PLAYBOY: You have no chance of 
winning. Why are you running? 
REDPATH: We have two dominant 
political parties in the United States 
because we don't have proportional 
So it's difficult for 
minor parties to become a force. But I 
think people will eventually figure out 
what's wrong with the political process, 
why it’s so uncompetitive, why about 
half of incumbents in state legislature 
races have no opponent, why so many 
U.S. House races aren't competitive 
Proportional representation will come 
to the U.S., and the Libertarian Party 
will build over time 
PLAYBOY: The Liberta 
has traditionally been aligned more 
with the Republicans, with whom you 


representation. 


ian Party 


gree—rhetorically, at least—on economic 
issues, But aren't people who are interested 
in civil liberties and limited government 
disenchanted by President Bush? 
REDPATH: Absolutely. Bruce Bartlett, a 
conservative economic writer, was fired by 
the National Center for Policy Analysis for 
writing a book in which he excoriated Bush. 
saying he's no real conservative. Even Alan 
Greenspan—Alan Greenspan!—commented 
that Bush and his administration have 
dropped the ball on fiscal responsibility 
PLAYBOY: Republicans 

worry the Libertarian Party 
could turn races in the West 
just as Democrats say Nader 
spoiled the 9000 election. 
REDPATH 
answer to this, which is instant- 
That would do 
away with the spoiler effect, and 


100 DAY 


There's an easy 
runoff voting 


Republicans and Democrats 
rginalize 
and exclude smaller parties. And in defense 
of spoiling, the Prohibition Party spoiled two 
presidential elections for the Republicans— 
in 1884 and again in 1916, when Charles 
Evans Hughes would have defeated Wood- 
row Wilson; Hughes lost California by 3,000 
votes, and the Prohibition Party got about 
94,000 votes. After 1916 the Republicans got 
on the Prohibition bandwagon, and by 1919 
the 18th Amendment had passed. Obviously 
ауа Libertarian I'm not in favor of Prohi- 
bition, but that party got what it wanted 
PLAYBOY: What's your 
equivalent, the one issue you'd 
want a major party to adopt? 
REDPATH: The mostimpor- 
tant thing going forward is 
to adopt a more humble and 
less interventionist foreign 
policy, We have 
lain peace and prosperity at 
home, we have to maintain 
а strong defense of the U.S., 
but we can do that best by 
not causing other people to 
want to attack us. We weren't 
attacked on 9/11 because they 
hated us for our frecdoms 
PLAYBOY: Why were we attacked? 
REDPATH: Osama bin Laden said it: Ameri- 
can soldiers on Muslim soil and U.S. support 
The attacks were unspeakably 
heinous acts, but when people say, “This 
is why we attacked you,” we should listen. 
I supported the war in Afghanistan and 
action against Al Qaeda. But there should 
have to be a clear threat to the U.S. to initi- 
ate a war. And the idea that Iraq was a threat 
was never anything more than absurd 
PLAYBOY: Let's say you get elected. What 
would your first 100 days look like? 
REDPATH: I would pardon every nonviolent 
drug offender in federal prison. I would use 


wouldn't try to m 


to main- 


for Israel. 


IN MY FIRST 


PARDON EVERY 
NONVIOLENT 
DRUG OFFENDER 
IN PRISON, 


what executive orders I could to end federal 
spending for the things the federal govern- 
ment shouldn't be involved in, leaving more 
id local governments. And I would 
ever executive power would be pru 


to state 
use wh 
dent to reduce government spending. 
PLAYBOY: It has 
clear that the dru 
REDPATH: The 
be illeg 
natın 


ome increasi 
war isn't working 
only drugs that should 
1 are those whose pharmacological 
would nc to act illegally 
With many drugs, people imply that’s what 

happens, but it’s not. T have 


sc some 


heard politicians say the vio- 


lence 
n the drug a 
which is crazy 
driving under the 
influence should be illegal, 


1 the drug trade comes 


I WOULD 


id not from 


and there should be 


of consent. But if someone 


Жез crystal meth, becomes 
ble to 


harming 


wastrel and is u 


function, as long as they're 


Us their business. 
PLAYBOY: Wh ut government pro- 
grams such as the National Park Service? 

REDPATH: Milton Friedm: 
r for govern 
parks. I have a lot of respect 
but I think people won't want 
way with national parks. They should. 
be self-funding. If you want to go on Skyline 
Drive in Virginia, you should have to pay 

PLAYBOY: What would you do about 
the FDA? 

REDPATH 


other people, th 


п said ће saw 


nents to 


The Libertarian 
Id be something 
like Underwriters Laborato- 
ries, which is a private organi- 

ion that helps make electrical 
pment safe. There needs 
› be self-regulation on the 


part of business. 
PLAYBOY 
ment nı 


Doesn't govern- 
А to step in to protect 
өріс 


does the right to privacy need 


le's rights? For exa 


to be protected from Google? 
REDPATH: If people thought 
€ le wa: 


ig to start abus- 
ing them throu n gathered from 
their Internet usage, they could use Ask.com. 
Any other comp Hey, i you 
dont like that, we're not doing it 

PLAYBOY: The Libertarian Party is small, 
but Ron Paul found a receptive audience 
for many of its ideas. Do you think your 
ideas are movir 
REDPATH: Things are going the Libertar- 
And I think that will be more the 
case because if we don't have the discipline 
to do it internally, it will be imposed from 
outside. The falling dollar is the world's 
way of telling us we need to do better at 
m 


|y could say, 


into the mainstream? 


ians way. 


naging our economy. 


MARGINALIA: 


FROM AN INTER- 
VIEW on local tele- 
vision with Virginia 
state delegate Lionell 
Spruill, who was attempting to find a co- 
sponsor for a bill to ban truck nuts and 
anything else resembling human genitalia 
attached to a vehicle: “It comes to a 
point where there are certain things 
you just can't do. And putting testicles 
‘on the back of a truck is just too much. 
So 1 am trying to stop it.” 


FROM A BLOG post- 
ing by Julian Sanchez 
about Ashlee Simpson's 
‘Outta My Head (Ay Ya 
Ya)" video; "My first 
thought upon being. 

sent this video was, 

How bizarre! This 

is basically just 

a string of visual 

and aural quotes. 

from 19805 pop. 

culture, but it's pitched at a demographic 
that—unlike, say, many viewers of Family 
Guy or fans of New Wave revival bands— 
can't possibly be nostalgic for the 19805, 
Hell half of them weren't even bom in 
the 19805. Then It occurred to me that. 
when I was a high school student in the 
19905, most of my friends and | were 
wearing te-dyes and listening to the Dead 
and CSNY. Because you know 1 love coln- 
ing the words—1 guess if we're rocking it 
1980s style, I should сай them sniglets 
[after the Rich Hall books]—Iet's dub this 
phenomenon agnostaliia." 


FROM A DESCRIPTION of the 
book Leisurama Now in the Princeton 
Architectural Press spring 2008 cata- 
log: "Who doesn’t dream of owning a 
second home at 
the beach? Well, 
in the early 1960s. 
it was a snap even 
for the working. 
class. For as tle 
as $590 down 
and $73 a month 
you coule walk 
into Macy's and 
leave with a fully 
furnished house, All you needed to 
move in was a Key and some groceries. 
Each house came complete with fur- 
niture, appliances, a 45-plece Melmac 
dinner service, plastic glasses and 
50 pieces of stainless-steel flatware, 
plus towels, napkins, place mats, beds, 
pillows and sheets, even toothbrushes. 
їп Leisurama, author Paul Sabre uncov- 
ers the mystery of this legendary slice. 
of architectural Americana and lovingly 
documents its 40-year history.” 


FROM A STATEMENT by Marc. 
Emery, the Canadian founder of the. 
British Columbia. 

Marijuana Party, on 

being sentenced to 

five years in prison— 

as a result of U.S. 

pressure—for selling 

pot seeds on the. 

Internet, including. 

(continued on 

page 43) 


41 


42 


READER RESPONSE 


PIGSKIN AND PRIVACY 

Your comments on drug testing in the 
NEL (“Unnecessary Toughness,” Febru- 
ry) could extend to drug testing in our 


society as a whole. Drug testing is cur- 
rently used as an element of class war- 
fare, The majority of jobs that requ 
drug tests are blue-collar. But docte 
lawyers, the judges who send your ass to 


jail for using and the congressmen and 


His use of bodily fluids should be limited 


other people who run the country don’t 
have to submit to tests. How can this be 
tolerated in a society in which everyone 
l before the law? 
Stan Johnson 

Arizona 


is supposed to be equ 


Tempe 


It should be pointed out that 90 per- 
cent of big businesses in America test 
for illegal substances. The NFL should 
be no different. These athletes are paid 
ungodly amounts. When I watch a 
game I want the athletes to be at their 
best. The only reason players bitch is 
that there are so many pieces of shit 
in the NEL. As long as they are under 
contract they should be expected to stay 
away from anything illegal 
Freddy George 


Brooklyn, New York. 


In the many years I have been a 
subscriber I have felt compelled to 
write you many times—usually to com- 
This time is different. I must 
comment on the completely ridiculous 
I'm not for 
ainst drug testing on the whole. I 


mend 


Unnecessary Toughness 


can't see why my mechanic needs to be 
tested, but I can certainly understand 
it if he’s working on a commercial jet 
plane. For the most part I feel it is a 
violation of privacy that shouldn't have 
been allowed to happen in the first 
place. But that's like bitching about 


the weather, 
ће 


isn't it? It’s upon us, and 
s little to be done about it 
Г.С. Peterson 


Charlotte, North Carolina 


Aren't random drug tests conducted 
by nearly every employer in the U.S. 
Why should the NFL be any differe 
Recreational or perf 
it doesn't matter. The 
1. If your employer (in this case, 


mance-enhanc 


om line is drugs 


are illeg 
the NF 
work for them, then you have to choose 
Do I think pot should be legal? Sure, but 
it doesn't matter what I or anyone else 
thinks. What rs is the la 

Nathan Hamilton. 

Dothan, Alaba 


) says you can't use drugs and 


пус 


The last time I checked, the drugs 
listed in "Unnecessa ness” arc 
still illegal 


Why the 
players for 
they are ille, 


NFL 
ional drugs? Because 
1 because the NFL 
The NFL. has the right to test 
or not to test its players as it sees fit, 


as does any employer. The NFL is a 
business, and players choose to work 
for it. What is the worst that happens 
yer who Does 
jail, get probation or have to 
do community service? No. Instead 
of going to jail, professional athletes 
who do drugs are fined, suspended or 
banned by the league. However, if just 
the nd not the own- 
ership, the officials and anyone else 
пе employs, that is wrong and 
should be corrected through manda- 
tory drug te: By the 
way, does Playboy test its employees 
and Playmates? 
C. Benjamin Whalen 
Clarksville, 


yers are tested 


r everyone 


Tennessee 


Sports leagues—or any other corporate enti- 
ties, for that matter—are not law-enforcement 
'ncies. As pointed out in the piece, the 
NEL does not police players in other areas 
of the law. The Packers wouldn't ask to 
review Brett Favre's tax returns for bogus 
deductions, for example, or try to kick Don- 
ald Driver off the team for parking—but 
not being ticketed for doing so—in a handi- 
capped space. Teams cut players if they 
don't perform: if drugs cause a drop in on- 
the-field productivity, a player will pay the 
price. Perhaps the fact that other employers 


test for drugs (62 percent of them, accord- 
ing to a survey by the American Manage- 
ment Association, not 90 percent as Freddy 
George asserts) should be less a justification 
for NFL testing and more a source of grief 
for workers in other industries. Drug laws 
are not immutable, Rather than throwing 
up your hands in resignation or, worse yet, 
wishing such invasive procedures on others 
(these corporations are examining your 
bodily fluids!), George, Nathan Hamilton 
and J.C. Peterson should fight against test- 
ing by all companies. The way big businesses 
function—their rights, in the language of 
C. Benjamin Whalen—is dictated by soci- 
ety in the form of corporate charters. With 
sufficient political will, such charters could 
be modified to bar them from infringing on 
employees’ privacy. And no, Playboy does 
not test its employees for drug use. 


BASHING SEX CONFUSED WITH SEX ED 

In February's "My Apostasy” John 
Banville tries to say religion focuses 100 
much on the “sins of the flesh,” and he 
asks, "What was it all about?” Well, since 
the 1980s something called AIDS is what 
nd those priests probably 
saved lives. I'm not for the Spanish 
Inquisition or anything even close, but 
religion teaches us to be careful with sex 


it’s all about 


Can willful ignorance ever be educational? 


because one “fun” time can change your 
life forever. Be they STDs or unwanted. 
pregnancies, misfortunes can result 
from sex. The church's role in this is just 
to make sure you know about them. If 
your church is too strict for you, change 
churches. That is freedom. 

Chad Kingsbery 

New Braunfels, Texas 


E-mail via the web at letters.playboy.com. Or 
write: 730 Fifth Avenue, New York, NY 10019. 


Think Outside the Bun 
M 
made a formal 
hit song featuring 0 
in the butt, 


s ambassador to 
mplaint 


wrote a whi 


d the tune by Mickie Kraus 
hose other hits have included “Go 
You Old Shit” and “10 Na- 
Hairdresser As I'm sure you 
an understand,” wrote Kuehne, 
the lyric has aroused great outrage 
among the memt of the Mexican 
mmunity living in Germany, who 
have a right t angry that Mexi- 
name is being used in this kind 
f disrespectful and disgusting way. 
Krause's response? "Onstage | alsc 
ing the lyric ‘Finger in the vagina, 
B ina,’ and nobody 
ha: rked up about that 
Friends in Low Places printed photos of a gay wedding in Senegal. 
BANGKOK—As part of the ongoing scandal a Muslim try where homosexuality i: 
surrounding the destruction of CIA tap п afterward, in February, police 
depicting ntial torture during interroga- arrested five men pictured іп the magazine 
tic it has been revealed that the ag (though one of the bridegrooms remained at 
maintains facilities in Thailand wher larg and the Department of Criminal Inves 
oners are taken f tralegal questioning. tigations announced the launch of an inquiry 
In what Ic a bad sign, Thailand is into the мейди The editor, meanwhile, ha: 
not a signatory to the United Nation n. receive: 3th threat: 
vention Against Torture. Also, former prime а 
minister Thaksin Shinawatra's government Walking the Walk 
granted a legal exemption to U itizens — WASHIN In the wake of a campaign 
who violated the g to keep Congress from granting immunity to 
Rome Statute of the [telecom firms that provided data to the Bush 
International Crimi- | administration without ants, Democracy 
nal Court on Thai soil for America—the advocacy group started by 
ind agreed not t Howard failed bid for the White 
extradite American: House—ha: ell phone service called 
to an ICC-signatory DFA Wireless. It offers an alternative for people 
third country. Anoth- who want to stop p ig companies that have 
er bad sign? Rights collaborated with the administration. In addi- 
activists in southern = tion to supp a business that pledges not tc 
Thailand, where Buddhist security forces are submit t ntless wiretapping, customers 
battling Malay Muslim insurgents, are seein et ЗО free minutes tothe White House 
eerily familiar techniques used by Thai secu- a month. Ten pen Шаг charges are 
rity forces with close links to U.S. military Jonated to DFA; th: provider al ір- 
officials. According to Asia Times, tortures ports the Electronic Frontier Foundation, De- 
include “sleep forced nudity, ех- mocracy Now, the ACLU and other instituti 
posure to extreme temp the threat to that fight for phone and Internet priva: 
release guard c left naked in 


Money for Nothing 


a meat cooler for ov 


WASHINGTO multiple close-up 
Bad to the Bone jews” of buttocks, the FCC—following 
SENEGAL. Seeking to prove the legitimacy of а lon ith the ABC TV network 
an article on homosexuality his magazine had fir 


ublished, Mansour Dien, 


е, an epi 


(continued from page 41) 

some to American customers: “I'm really 
pleased and proud of what I've done. 

1 wish I could have done more to piss 
the U.S. government ой.” 


FROM AN ESSAY by world 
renowned symphony conductor Daniel 
Barenboim, explaining why he took 
dual Israeli and 

Palestinian citizen N 


eyes 
КЕПИН Mene 
to do so as well: pe 

1 have often sald - 


that the destinies of 
Palestinian people D 

are inextricably 

there is no miltary Жем. 
solution to the 

tinlan nationality has given me the 
opportunity to demonstrate this more 
was offered to me, | accepted it in the. 
spirit of acknowledging the Palestinian 
A true citizen ol Israel must reach out 
to the Palestinian people with open- 
to understand what the creation of 
the state of Israel has meant to them. 
dence for the Jews, but the same day 
al-Nakba, the catastrophe, for the. 
must ask himself what the Jews, known 
as an intelligent people of learning 
cultural heritage with the Palestinians. 
A true citizen of Israel must also ask 
condemned to live in slums and accept. 
lower standards of education and 

by the occupying force with decent, 
dignified and livable conditions — 


the Israeli and 
linked and that 

conflict. My recent acceptance of Pales- 
tangibly. When the Palestinian passport 
destiny which I, as an Israel, share, 
ness and at the very least an attempt 
May 15, 1948 Is the day of indepen- 
Palestinians, A true citizen of Israel 
and culture, have done to share thelr 
himself why the Palestinlans have been 
medical cae, rather than being provided 
a right common to all human beings." 


FROM AN EXPLANATION of 
consumption-driven GDP growth during 
the final quarter of 2007, titled "Flat 
Screen TVs Keep GDP Growing іп 
Fourth Quarter," released by the Center 
for Economic and Policy Research. 

The growth in consumption was im- 


pressive given the quarter's weak job 
growth, declining real wages and 
plunging 

house 

prices. The 

savings rate. 

fell to just 

0.2 per- 

cent for. 

the quar- 

ter, bring- 

ing the rate for the year to 0.5 percent, 
almost identical to the rates for 2005 
and 2006. Within consumption, dura- 
ble goods showed the strongest gains, 
rising at a 4.2 percent rate. This in tum 
was driven by an eight percent growth 
rate in the category of ‘furniture and 
household equipment. This is most. 
likely explained by a surge in purchases. 
of appliances like flat-screen televisions, 
since the plunge in home sales is 
depressing the sale of furniture.” 


43 


FORUM 


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PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: FAREED ZAKARIA 


A candid conversation with one of the smartest foreign-policy minds in the 
U.S. about the cost of Iraq. the У oming election and the future of America 


Fareed Zakaria has been called the Muslin Cary 
Grant and mentioned as a candidate for secre- 
tary of state—not the usual praise heaped on 
а journalist. One thing is certain: Americans 
increasingly rely on the articulate columnist and 
television commentator to interpret world events, 
lether they be the September 11 terrorist attacks, 
the assassination of Benazir Bhutto in Pakistan 
or the latest inflammatory ravings of Iran's 
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. At a time when politi- 
cal discourse is often limited to sensational sound 
bites, whining and bloviating, Zakaria’s analysis 
and opinions ave reasoned, complex, bipartisan 
and coherent. No wonder his fans range from 
Jon Stewart, who reportedly has a "man crush” 
‘on Zakaria, to Condoleezza Rice, who has said 
Zakaria is "intelligent about just about every 
ата of the world.” Esquire named him one of the 
21 most important people of the 21st century. 
Before September 11 Zakaria was a rising 
star in the rarefied world of foreign policy; 
The Nation called him the "junior Көзінде 
Then came the terrorist attacks and Zakaria’s 
response, a seminal Newsweek cover story 


called "The Politics of Rage: Why Do They 


India, Pakistan, China, Russia—in fact, just 
about every one of the world’s hot spots 

In addition to his columns for Newsweek 
and The Washington Post Zakaria will soon 
hast his own weekly hour-long show on CNN. 
He's also the author of books about terrorism, 
international politics, economics and global- 
ization, including The Future of Freedom, a 
New York Times best-seller translated into 20 
languages. His latest is The P 
World, essential reading for anyone who hopes 
to understand the future of the United States. 
America has a choice, Zakaria contends 
paradign—the 
of the теч of the world—or suf- 
fer economically and pol 

Zakaria, 44, who 
with his wife, Paula 1 
and the i Mumbai, 
India, where his father was a scholar and po 
tician and his mother a newspaper editor. Не 
was educated in India before coming to the 
U.S. to attend college at Yale, where he became 
president of the Yale Po After 
graduating he earned a Ph.D. at Harvard, 


American 


inexorable 


al Union. 


for ABC News. He also hosted the Foreign 
Exchange show on PBS 

PLAYBOY tapped Contributing Editor David 
Sheft, who last interviewed Russian dissident and 
former world chess champion Сату Kasparov for 
the magazine, to meet with Zakaria in Manhattan. 
“I knew Zakaria would be smart,” Sheff reports, 
“but I was struck by his graciousness. Even as he 
talks about а new world, he has old-world man- 
ners and class. That's not to say he didn't keep me 
оп my toes, Name any place and not only does 
Zakaria know its pressing contemporary issues 
but he puts them in their historical context, Its all 
the more remarkable because Zakaria beat—that 
is, everywhere—with its elections, coups, terrorist 
attacks, assassinations and wars, is a perpetually 
moving target. Whether about Iraq, Ian, Rus- 
sia, China or the U.S., he challenged me, as he 
regularly does his readers and viewers, to think 
hy about my assumptions.” 


or many of us the idea of a post- 
American world is unthinkable, Мете 
» big, too significant —the world’s only 


superpower. Are we wrong? 


Hate Ust,” a bold critique of the “dysfunc- followed by his appointment as the youngest ZAKARIA: I began with the same confidence, 
tions” of Arab society. In the piece Zakaria managing editor in the history of Foreign 1 thought America was unstoppable 100, 
argued for an American and international magazine. Then N called. — that our position in the world was assured. 


effort to help Islam enter the modern world; 
he was rewarded with a fatwa. Since then 
Zakaria has become the go-to commentator 


on terrorism and the Middle East, as well as 


“The rhetoric of Washington is absolutely peni- 
cious—rhetoric that virus the outside world as 
evil. Our foreign policy is trying to convert peo- 
ple to niroana—that is, our way—or beating 
them up, humiliating and punishing them 


ith 


s column and occasional fea- 
ersees the magazine's international 
ns. He's a frequent guest on talk shows, 
including The Daily Show, and an analyst 


“We in the media h 
sells. We should really think about it. We he 
ап obligation to place things in context. The 
truth is we are safer than at any other time in 
history. Where's the news in that?” 


But then I began noticing things that a 
short time ago were unimaginable. The 
richest man in the world lives in Mexico 
City. The tallest building in the world is in 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY DAVID ROSE 


“We do live im a troubled world, but this is nol 
Armageddon. Just because a two-bit dictator 
Iran has some strange musings about 
religion doesn't mean he's going to end the 
world as we know it, Nor can he.” 


45 


PBOY 


45 


Taipei, and Dubai is building a taller build- 
ig. The next-tallest building in the world 
will be built in Dubai a year and a half later. 
asit i 
tian in Macao, and Macao just overtook Las 
Vegas with the largest gambling revenues 
in the world. Shopping, America's great 
leisure-time activity? The last time I was in 


Beijing they showed me the largest mall in 
the world, which has since been eclipsed 
by another Chinese mall. It turns out the 
top 10 malls in the world are all outside 
the United States. Just three years ago 
almost every category I gave you would 
have been topped by America 
The change is fast and has only 
just begun. It's still true there's 
only one superpower, but things 
are changing in every dimension 
other than the military 
PLAYBOY: Some people would 
argue that our military trumps 
everything else 

ZAKARIA: From history we know 
that if a superpower relies solely 
on its military might, it will fall 
behind. At the end of their empire 
the British were obsessed by minor 
political disturbances throughout 
the empire, where they could go 
in and stabilize a situation with 
their military strength. It's the 
trap of hegemony: You begin to 
believe the only thing that m 
ters is the thing you can do better 
than others and without others’ 
support. It's the quick and easy 
path to decline, 

PLAYBOY: But the United States 
also still has the world’s number 
one economy 

ZAKARIA: Which is in jeopardy 
if we don't adapt to the chang- 
ing world, if we don’t embrace 
it, instead we dig in our heels, 
close our borders, close our 
minds and try to stop change. 
PLAYBOY: How are we trying to 


nge? 
First, we're in denial, 
> аге two or three streams feeding 


the di 


nial. We've always thought of our- 
selves as exceptional. We are exceptional. 
But this country was created in rejection of 
the Old World. We were the New World. We 
think we sill are, but a newer world is being 
formed, newer than ours. We're also in de- 
ial about globalization. We talk about 
but more than 80 percent of the U.S. econ 
omy is domestic. Meanwhile, we react with 
absolute horror at the prospect that there 
might be Americans who speak a second 


language—Spanish, God forbid—as if our 
hig problem as Americans is that we know 
100 many foreign languages. Also, there 
very little foreign travel by Americans. Our 
parochialism means we really haven't no- 
ticed things have changed. U.S. businesses 


get it, though. It's a very competitive world, 
and they ve had to hustle. American univer- 
sities get it too. Students are coming from 


vie 
ton it's all chest-pumping machismo. Our 
foreign policy is trying to convert people 10 
nirvana—that is, our way—or beating them 
up, humiliating and punishing them. The 
idea of talking to them is ridiculed. There's 
по other country in the world where talking 
to people—just talking to them—is regarded 


as treasonous. Asa result we know nothing 


about these places in the world u 
ing and becoming vibrant and powerful. 


are ris- 


on Muslims were 


revolt 


We talk incessantly about Iran, and Bush 
demonizes the country. But we know noth- 
ing about Iran, and the administration 
doesn't even want to talk to Iran. 
PLAYBOY: So you favor talking to a rogue 
nation like Iran? 
ZAKARIA: ОГ course 
plex country with a very complex cul- 
ture. Unless we talk to them, how will we 
know who they are? We don’t even know 
anything about Cuba, though it’s only 
90 miles from Florida. For four decades 
we've had a fantasy that we were achiev- 
ing regime change in Cuba; meanwhile 
Fidel Castro, until very recently, was the 
longest-serving political leader in the 
world. You'd think those two facts would 
be prima facie evidence our policy hasn't 


Iran is a very com- 


uld 


worked, but we don't go back and look. 
It’s unthinkable we would learn from ап; 
1, they are all bad, 


one else. Таче: 


in the media have culpability here. Bad 
news sells. We say this blithely. We say it 
and kind of titer, but we should really 
think about it, We have an obligation to 
place things in context. The truth is we 
are safer than at any other time in his- 
tory. Where’s the news in that? 

PLAYBOY: Safer? With Al Qaeda and simi- 
lar terrorist groups still threatening us? 
ZAKARIA: Al Qaeda has been very su 
cessfully defanged. Every gov- 
ernment in the world realized 
it was a problem, and now it's 
on the run. 

PLAYBOY: You charge that, since 
September 11, 2001, Al Qaeda 
has basically been a producer 
of bad videos. But what about 
the bombings in Madrid and 
London? What about suicide 
bombings throughout the 
Middle East? 

ZAKARIA: Every motley crew 
calls itself Al Qaeda but has no 
operational or financial links 
10 the outfit that directed 9/11 
and the embassy bombings. 
Since 9/11 Osama bin Laden 
has done nothing except issue 
threats in videos. 

PLAYBOY: Arc you denying the 
threat of terrorism? 

ZAKARIA: It’s fundamentally 
important that we recognize ter- 
rorism and Islamic extremism as 
real problems, but we must put 
them in context. We're told the 
Arab world is out to get us, but 
it’s a small fringe. Polls in every 
Musli 

reject the message of extremism 
and fundamentalism. Do they 
reject it loudly enough? Maybe 
in some cases they don't, and we 
should push them to. The Tali- 
ban is unpopular. Al Qaeda is 
unpopular. The idea of jihad is unpopular. 
Yet we're constantly given the message that 
they're all out to get us, which of course in 
some weird way is doing Osama bin Laden's 
bidding, feeding the message of Al Qaeda 
and giving it more power than it deserves. 

PLAYBOY. How about Iran? Do you agree 
that Ahmadinejad and a nuclear Iran 
are a threat? 

ZAKARIA: On one occasion Ahmadinejad 
said he wanted to wipe Israel off the map. 
There's some debate about what he actually 
said, but let's assume he said it. Is a hor 
ble thing to say and absolutely deserves to 
be condemned, but isn't it worth our point- 
ing out that in the 1970s every Arab leader 
routinely said this? The big shift in a 30- or 
40-year perspective is that he's the only 


а society show most people 


guy in the Middle East saying it now. The 

Arabs—the Egyptians, the Syrians—have 

all moved to a reluctant acceptance of the 
ELA Nos 

Weapons, Bush does. Americans arc basi- 

cally opi 

the press and politicians have this amazing 


мек hir sans bee 


nistic, open-minded people, but 


ability to convince people we're living in 
a dangerous world and there are people 
out there trying to kill us. It used to be the 
crazies—the Joe McCarthys of the world— 
who were trying to convince you nuclear 


Armageddon was approaching. Now the 
people doing it are in high office. 
PLAYBOY: Is it because they believe it, or 
are they manipulating the publicz 
ZAKARIA: I've never met a politic 
is unaware of the effects of his rhetoric on 
his poll ratings. Politicians are aware that 
when they talk up this rhetoric, it m; 
people think it’s better to have tough, 
hawkish people in charge, We do live in 
a troubled world, but this is not Arma- 
geddon, Just because a two-bit dictator 
in Iran has some strange musings about. 
religion doesn't mean he's going to end. 
the world as we know it. Nor can he 
PLAYBOY: But it scems dangerous to mini- 
mize the threat of terrorism. 

ZAKARIA: There's always going to be what I 
call mom-and-pop terrorism. It’s unfortu- 
nate, What could derail us, however, is the 
large-scale weapons-of-mass-destruction 
type of terrorism—nuclear terrorism. It's 
a real problem, and we should be address- 
ing it more energetically than we are. The 
administration hasn't put the nuclear pro- 
liferation issue in front 

PLAYBOY: What would be a more rational 
strategy on terror 
ZAKARIA: We should certainly be tracing 
these groups, tracking their funds, doing 
everything we can to obstruct and inter- 
cept them. We should also make a much 
more active effort to engage this struggle 
at cultural, political and economic levels 
to make these societies understand that 
we share their aspirations for modernity 
We want to partner with them. We sce 
our future as being linked with theirs, We 
shouldn't convey that we think Islam is the 
enemy. Look, if 1.3 billion Mus! 
really trying to revolt against the West, you 
would hear about it a lot more often than 
the occasional cafe bomb in Istanbul 
PLAYBOY: What about Iran? What would 
be a rational approach there? 

ZAKARIA: We have to come to terms with 
the fact that Iran is a real country and has 
legitimate security concerns. Look at the 
ighborhood: You have a nuclear India, a 
nuclear Pakistan, a nuclear China, a nuclear 
Russia and a nuclear Israel. The United 
States has 150,000 troops on one Iranian 
border, and 50,000 U.S. and NATO troops 


in who 


ms were 


Ася 


LARGEST 
PRIVATE YACHT 
Anheuser-Busch, U.S. 


USA Today, U.S. 


Motorola, U.S. 


Lisci 
MOBILE PHONE 


PRODUCER 
Las Vegas Strip, U.S. 


ExxonMobil, U.S. 


I 
COMMERCIAL 
AIRPLANE 


Boeing 747, U.S. 


RICHEST BANK Citigroup, U.S. 


hand re Number... Huh? 


Lany Ellison's Rising Sun, U.S. 


Sheik Mohammed's Platinum, Dubai 


InBev, Belgium 


The Times of India, India 


Nokia, Finland 


Macao, China 


PetroChina, China 


Airbus A380, European consorlium 


Industrial and Commercial Bank 
of China, China 


are on the other border. You have an Ame 
ican president who keeps saying this is an 
evil regime that has to be changed. Iran is 
not just being paranoid. If you were in that 
Em you would buy some insurance, 
nd in the world of international rela 
nuclear weapons are insurance 
PLAYBOY: But doesn't a nuclear Iran 
concern you 
ZAKARIA: If you w 


Iran to denuclear- 
ize, you must recognize t will need 
some assurances relating to security. The 
first step would be having a dialogue 
Barack Obama said he would talk to 
them, and he was vilified, called naive, 
but you want to talk to these people. 
PLAYBOY: The counterargument is that 
they want to kill us and that talking to 
people like Ahmadinejad is irresponsible 
as well as useless. 

ZAKARIA: And it would be rewarding 
them. To which I say, "Look, we don't 
actually know much about them." Some 
people around the world have heard a lot 
of things George Bush has said and think 
he's crazy too. Î would say to them, "Meet 
him. Find out.” The reality is that Iran is 
a serious country. No matter who governs 


it, Iran has security concerns. The nuclear 
program was started by the shah of Iran, 
not the mullahs. Negotiating with them 
does not mean they won't be very tough. 
Remember that the best thing for Cas- 
tro, the Iranian hard-liners and so many 
others has been to have the United States 


as their enemy. We play into their hands 
If we were to take a more sensible view of 
Iran and North Korea, to name two, we 
would recognize that time is on our side, 
not theirs. We in the modern world have 
the answers; they don't. Iran has а totally 
dysfunctional economy. The government 
isn't particularly popular. It's not a recipe 
for long-term success 
PLAYBOY: You argue for engagement, but 
doesn't China disprove that engagement 
leads to regime change and democracy? 
ZAKARIA: We started talking to China at the 
height of the Cultural Revolution, when 
Mao, probably a certified lunatic, was run- 
ning the country into the ground. It's dif- 
ficult to describe how cataclysmically bad 
and antimodern revolutionary China was. 
From there we've ended up with a China 
that is peaceful, increasingly prosperous 
and modernizing. There's a rule of law, 
and the country is dealing with environ- 
mentalism, including global warming 
PLAYBOY: But China has no religious free- 
doms, and critics of the 
routinely locked up. 
ZAKARIA: The Chinese haven't moved 
all the way, but compared with 19732 In 
1973 anyone who told you China would 
be where it is today would have been 
accused of smoking dope. We move the 
goalposts when we say "But they re nota 
full liberal democracy yet." Yes, but there 
is more openness than you would believe 
If you want to be an entrepreneur and 


overnment are 


т 


PLAYBOY 


48 


own things, you can. If you want to sue 
the government in court, you can. 

PLAYBOY: What about Russia? Do you 
agree it’s actually backsliding in its prog- 
ress toward democra 
ZAKARIA: Putin has struggled with consti- 
tutional issues relating to whether or not 
he can keep his position. In the old days 
it would have been easy. "What cons 


tution? Гат the constitution." I regard 
that as progress 
PLAYBOY: But isn't it a false sense of prog- 


ress? In a recent Playboy Interview, oppo 
sition leader Garry Kasparov charged 
that Putin has acted as unilaterally as the 
с nist leaders. 

rs a fair point, but Russia isn't 
just richer, it’s freer in a hundred dif- 
Terent ways. But yes, in five years there 
has been regression. Pakistan is similar. 
Twenty years ago it was basically a failed 
state going toward jihadist status 
PLAYBOY: In Pakistan what will be the 
long-term impact of Benazir Bhutto's 
assassination? 

ZAKARIA: In an odd way it doesn’t change 
things as much as if she had lived. She 
had the potential to change the political 
dynamic in Pakistan because she was the 
only truly national figure who was popu- 
lar, modern and antifundamentalist. She 
was a plausible alternative to military rule. 
Pakistan will probably muddle through, 
but nothing will fundamentally change 
PLAYBOY: How about next door in Iraq? 
Initially you supported the war. At what 
point did you change your position? 
ZAKARIA: One week after the invasion I 
wrote a column saying the occupation 
was going badly. I called for a much 
larger troop level and UN occupation 
PLAYBOY: Like Hillary Clinton and others, do 
you regret your initial support of the war? 
ZAKARIA: I still believe the idea of creat- 
ing a modern and democratic Iraq was a 
good one, and Saddam Hussein's incred- 
ibly brutal and tyrannical regime pro- 
vided an unusual opportunity to do so. I 
believe we went about it in a catastrophic 
way that incurred enormous costs. So put 
me down as somebody who still believes 
it was a good idea but was very badly 
implemented. The road to hell is littered 
with good intentions. Perhaps my mistake 
was not realizing the Bush administration 
would be as arrogant and stupid as they 
were. I thought they would want to suc- 
ceed. There was a legal framework to go 
in. I never bought the WMD rationale, 
but there were the 16 UN resolutions. It 
was a rare opportunity to get rid of an су 
dictator, modernize the region and do it 
ina completely legitimate, sanctioned way 
that the international community would 
sign on to. What would it have required 
Waiting three months so the French were 
onboard? At the time, Indian officials told 
me [if the U.S. had waited and not gone in 
unilaterally] they would have sent troops. 
If India had sent them, Pakistan would 
have sent them, probably Bangladesh 
as well. But the success of Afghanistan 


turned the Bush administration's head 
and made them power crazy. It made 
them want to do it all by themselves, and 
it completely ruined us nationally. 
PLAYBOY: Is Iraq hopeless? 

ZAKARIA: If 10 years from now Iraq turns 
out to be a modern and democratic state, 
it will make a big difference in the Middle 
East. Will the price have been worth it? 1 
don't know. The cost has been unconscio- 
nable for the United States. But I persist in 
believing that opening up the Middle East 
to be more modern and moderate—more 
democratic—is a crucial part of the answer. 
PLAYBOY: Some critics of the Iraq war say 
America is creating a new generation of 
suicide bombers and terrorists through- 
ош the region. Are w 
ZAKARIA: I think that’s exaggerated. I don't 
think we're creating a new generation of 
them, but neither are we doing enough to 
stop the existing trends of radicalization. 
PLAYBOY: How could we? 

ZAKARIA: It’s a very powerful thing to want 
to give up your own life, to kill yourself for 
а cause. We need to be a litle bit humble 
about understanding that we're not the 
cause of all the things that go on in the 


I still believe the idea of 
creating a modern and 
democratic Iraq was a good 
one. I believe we went about 
it in a catastrophic way that 
incurred enormous costs. 


world. This is an internally generated 
dysfunction, but we could be part of the 
solution. They all think the United States 
is out to get them. They all think we're try- 
ing to wage war on them, on Islam. At the 
very least we should ask, Why do people 
think this way, and what сап be done? The 
vast majority of people in these societies 
want modernity. Of course they want it 
with a certain kind of cultural dignity, but 
that’s true everywhere, and it's particularly 
true in the broken cultures of the Arab 
world. That means there is going to be 
a certain anger and rage about the West- 
ernization of the world. At the end of the 
day, though, they don't want the Taliban. 
They don't want Islamic fundamentalism. 
They re searching for some in-between 
path. Meanwhile, Islamic terrorism is a 
lethal problem being perpetrated by a 
small virulent minority. The majority is 
not in any way supporting it. They are 
victims of it; they are the ones who die in 
the cafes. Al Qaeda in Iraq has killed many 
more Iraqis than Americans. 

PLAYBOY: Is much of the anti-American senti- 
ment throughout the world based on a fear 
that our culture will overwhelm theirs? 


ZAKARIA: Bush feeds this, but life is going 
to be a cultural cocktail, a strange mi 
ture of West, East, old and new. À lot of 
what people describe as Americanization 
is actually the rise of mass culture, Because 
America got there firsi—our companies, 
our products, our ways of living—America 
has become part of what people think of as 
mass culture, but it's more complex than 
that. The Chinese are now going to Vegas- 
style casinos, but these people hadn't been 
sitting at home in their courtyard, reading 
Confucius. They were poor villagers who 
were barely surviving. Now they have a lit- 
Ue bit of money, so they go to McDonald's 
Mass culture and American culture have 
been fused, but whar's really rising is mass 
culture, Some of it has overtones of Amer 
canism, but in a lot of places it has local 
variations and local accents. The future 
is all about fusion, even in America. New 
York already is full of sushi restaurants. I 
mentioned the largest casino in the world; 
it’s an American casino built in Macao that 
looks like St. Mark’s Square in Venice, 
which is deeply influenced by Islamic and 
Moorish culture. That's the cultural cock- 
tail of the new world. 

PLAYBOY: Your new book is about Ameri- 
ca's place in this new world. Bottom line: 
Are we in trouble? Do you predict the 
fall of America? 

ZAKARIA: No. We will still be a powerful 
country, but it will be a different world. 
Other countries are growing faster than. 
we are, so at a fundamental level there will 
be a relative decline, We're still vibrant 
We're still vital. We still retain a central 
role in every game we're playing. But 
China is growing at 10 percent, and we 
growing at three. In 10 years China will 
have a slightly larger share of the global 
GDP than we do, We have a great hand, 
but we have to know how to play it 
PLAYBOY: Exactly what's in our great hand? 
ZAKARIA: We have this amazing quality of 
still being hungry and energetic, which 
comes from our openness. But if we give 
ourselves over to fear, we move in exactly 
the opposite direction. We close the very 
doors that have kept us vibrant, What 
has worked for America is that we take 
in the best ideas and the best people, mi 
them all up and invent the future. This 
is threatened by fearmongering on both 
sides of the political spectrum, the u 
them mentality, protectionism and those 
who would isolate us rather than have us 
embrace and collaborate with and learn 
from one another. 

PLAYBOY: As we speak, there seem to he 
three serious contenders for president 
John McCain, Barack Obama and Hillary 
Clinton. Who would make the best pr 
dent in the new world you describe 
ZAKARIA: I think the Republicans have 
gone crazy, frankly, though John McCain 
is the one I admire most. He's quite 
old, though, and seems heavily influ- 
enced by neoconservative writings on 
foreign policy, which gives me pause. 
The Republicans in general do little but 


PLAYBOY 


50 


scaremongering on almost every 
from terrorism to immigration. 
PLAYBOY: How about the Democrats? 
ZAKARIA: Hillary Clinton is an impressive 
person, but it’s tough to feel as though 
she's speaking from the heart. It’s puz- 
zling to try t0 determine what she really 
believes in. I admire her but can't say I 
am in love with her politically. 

PLAYBOY: If she gets the nomination, will 
you support her? 

ZAKARIA: I suppose so, because the Repub- 
lican Party has gone insane on national 
security issues in general and needs to 
са kind of nervous breakdown like 
the one the Democratic Party had—and 
maybe needed —15 years ago. The Repub- 
licans have lost their essential moorings 
and morphed into a party whose heart 
seems focused entirely on religion, hype 
nationalism and a kind of xenophobia. Is 
that what it believes in? If so, it will be c 
demned to be a minority party for the next 
generation. So I would support Clinton, 
but Lam hoping Barack Obama wins. 
PLAYBOY: What do you like about Obama? 
ZAKARIA: We need to make broad changes, 
and Obama represents this. We need a 
break from the past. He has been a breath 
of fresh air because he has been willing to 
look at the world and say, in effect, "Why 
does every problem have to be a nail just 
hecause we have a big military hammer? 
Why shouldn't we be talking to these рео- 
ple?" I think he’s right about every issue 
he's been criticized on. We should be talk- 
ing to the Iranians and North Koreans 
just as we did with the Libyans, Chinese, 
Vietnamese and Soviets. He proposes 
something that didn't get much traction, 
but he said we should look at relaxing the 
embargo on Cuba. Clinton comes out i 
opposition to it, She doesn't want to lose 
the Miami and New Jersey Cubans, but 
what is the point of electing somebody 
who won't change even an obviously failed 
policy like that for fear that more than an 
incremental shift is politically risky? 
PLAYBOY: In the past there has been talk 
that you could be secretary of state. We 

If the next president calls? 

ZAKARIA: Не or she isn’t going to call. 
PLAYBOY: If it did happen 
ZAKARIA: People who have speculated 
don’t understand the process. They don't 
understand the enormous weight loyalty 
has in these situations, I can't be on a 
team; it's the nature of my profession. 
I have to be independent. I piss people 
off on all sides. Part of my job is not to 
be partisan. I call things as I see them, 
which disqualifies me for politics. Maybe 
I'm kidding myself, but I think I can 
do more on the outside, at least when it 
comes to shaping the agenda. 

PLAYBOY: You started out in journalism at 
Foreign Affairs magazine. Would you have 
happily stayed in that elite world of intel- 
lectual journalism, or were you destined 
for the mainstream? 

ZAKARIA: When I went to Foreign Affairs 1 
still felt I was being true to my academic 


issue 


roots. Something like Newswerk would 
have been unimaginable. 

PLAYBOY: What changed: 

ZAKARIA: Once I got to New York I started 
writing a lot for The New York Tones and 
The New Republic. When Newsweek called 
and asked me to write a monthly column, 
I thought, What the hell? I discovered I 
enjoy writing for a much broader audience. 
Inever enjoyed the parlor game of intellec- 
tual name-dropping and long, meandering 
New York Review of Books pieces in which you 
try to impress everybody with your erudi- 
tion. I simply wanted to communicate 
about issues because they were important. 
Then Newsweek asked if I wanted to turn it 
into a weekly column and edit an interna- 
tional edition. It was a big shift. I was giv- 
ing up any pretense of the world of elite 
highbrow journalism. I enjoy doing what 
isn't supposed to be possible. In Newsweek 
or on the new CNN show [talk about inter- 
national issues Americans supposedly have 
no interest in. The CNN show, for exam- 
ple, will be about the other 
humanity. Think about the last time 
ething on India or Brazil or South 
Africa. But since 9/11 Americans have 


ou 


saw so 


Гт Muslim and my wife is 
Episcopalian, but neither of 
us is particularly religious 
or observant. I can't fake it. 
I can't make my children do 
things Гт not doing. 


cared. They understand that what hap- 
pens in other places in the world affects us. 
If Pakistan is failing and carecring out of 
control, we no longer have to explain why 
Americans should be interested. Not long 
ago most Americans couldn't have found 
Afghanistan on a map. But you could start 
at the top. Remember when Bush was cam- 
paigning for office? He was given a quiz on 
the radio. He couldn't answer “Who is the 
president of Pakistan?” and "What is the 
Taliban?” Two years later he knew a hell of 
a lot about both of those. 

PLAYBOY: You once described yourself as a 
Reagan conservative. What changed 
ZAKARIA: I came to America in the early 
1980s from a socialistic country. I knew 
central planning didn't work. Reagan's 
spirited defense of the free world and 
spirited anti-Communism attracted me. 
But then Clinton was exacily the kind 
of responsible pro-market politician who 
appealed to me because he was also com- 
passionate, wanting to make sure issues 
of distribution and access for poor people 
were not neglected. He was pro trade, but. 
he was also for a safety net. It was a com- 
bination I liked. Meanwhile, the Republi- 


ent of 


cans went mad during the Clinton years. 
‘Their attacks on him were insane. I always 
thought part of their rage was that he stole 
their best issues from them and left them 
with all the ugly stuff. It was around that 
point that I no longer considered myself a 
conservative. In many ways the positions 1 
held were and are pretty much the same, 
but the political spectrum has shifted. The 
Republicans moved right; on the crucial 
issues of economics the Democratic Party 
moved to the center 
PLAYBOY: Were your politics formed when 
you were a child in India? 
ZAKARIA: The India I grew up in was almost 
а different country from the India of today. 
It was very much an overwhelmingly poor 
country. My father was a politician and his 
constituency was outside Bombay, so we 
spent a fair amount of time in rural India. 
T saw the poverty up close, The other 
informative aspect of the India I grew up 
in was the fact that it was only a generation 
away from independence. My father had 
been involved in that struggle, and it was 
very much a part of his life. As a result it 
was part of the family's life, His cause his 
whole life in polities was amicable relations 
between Hindus and Muslims. He was one 
of the best-known proponents of a kind of 
liberal interpretation of Islam—a toler 
ant attitude on both sides. Meanwhile, my 
mother was a journalist and became editor 
of the Sunday Times of India. 
PLAYBOY: Was your family religious? 
ZAKARIA: My parents were observant 
Muslims but secular. They believed 
strongly in a multicultural and multi- 
religious society. I grew up fasting during 
the month of Ramadan, but we also cel 
cbrated Hindu holidays and Christmas. 
My uncle would play Santa Claus, put on 
a beard and ho ho ho. India was trying to 
be this pluralistic model, so you had to 
embrace every religion, every cultur 
PLAYBOY: How are you and your wife rais- 
ing your childre 
ZAKARIA: They re aware of their heritage, 
and we talk about it. They ask questions. 
I'm Muslim and my wife is Episcopalian, 
but neither of us is particularly religious 
or observant. I can't fake it. 1 can't make 
my children do things I'm not doing. Im 
irying to give them enough of a sense of it, 
an awareness, so when they're old enough 
they can make their own decisions. 
PLAYBOY: Were politics discussed at the din- 
ner table when you were growing up? 
ZAKARIA: Our house was very much alive 
with politics and history. Also, my parents 
had lots of friends who were poets, archi- 
tects, writers. That all influenced me, plus 
my father believed every common prob- 
em could be solved by the government. 
He spent a lot of his life founding and 
building educational establishments—col- 
leges, schools and training centers—that 
are still in existence. Long before it was 
fashionable my father saw that India's 
great advantage was its human capital, 
and the key was getting poor kids into 
schools and colleges. There was always 


an emphasis on doing something about a 
problem. My father passed away, but my 
mother now runs the schools 


ZARARA: T had no sense of that kind of 
purpose, but I was fascinated by history 
and politics from the start because I had 
this amazing front scat at Indian politics 
at its finest and sometimes its worst. I saw 
the idealism but also the duplicity, decep- 
tion and corruption up close. My father 
had to deal with it all 

PLAYBOY: What did you think of America? 
ZAKARIA: India was technically pro-Soviet 
during the ping-pong of the Cold W: 
but every Indian I knew was fascinated by 
America. I was 
engineered anti-Americanism, but it 
never worked. The government used to 


There was a government- 


have these Indo-Soviet friendship fes- 
tivals where it would show Soviet films, 
and nobody would go. Meanwhile, the 
American cultural center was flooded 
with people, American universities were 
flooded with applications. Indians wanted 
modernity, and they wanted the American 
dream. I's still true today 

PLAYBOY: Whereas in many parts of the 
world there is an anti-American preju- 
dice, particularly since the invasion of 
Iraq. Is it different in India? 


A SNEA 


ZAKARIA: Yes. The polls show it. India is 
probably the most pro-American country 
in the world, with the exception of Israel 


amore favorable impression of America 


than Indians do, but not by much. 
PLAYBOY: When you arrived at Yale, what 
was your initial impression of America? 
ZAKARIA: I felt it was a strange kind of 
homecoming. I felt so comfortable. 
it was Yale itself. At home I was an odd- 
ball. l'd read Dickens for pleasure. At Yale 
ly other people like me 
ind America so inviting. 
PLAYBOY: Did you plan to return to India 
after college? 

ZAKARIA: 

ica. I 
and politics and American society. I 
made friends. Toward the end of Yale I 
thought, I wonder if I'll ever go back 
PLAYBOY: Did you meet your wile at Yale 
ZAKARIA: | met her on a blind double 
date. It was 14 years ago this past 
entine's Day 

PLAYBOY: Did y gine you would 
have an arranged marriage 

ZAKARIA: My parents didn't have one, 
it would have been very odd to sugg 
it to me 
PLAYBOY: You ha 


there were ach 


и 1 fell in love with Amer- 
э involved in its foreign policy 


wo children. 


ZAKARIA: And my wife is pregnant. 
PLAYBOY: How has being a father influ- 
enced you? 


al ability to create an equal partnership 
and an honest partnership. It's rewarding 
work, but it's work. Parenthood, though, 
comes casily to me. I find it physically 
exhausting sometimes, but I'm thrilled. 
PLAYBOY: What led to your job at For- 
eign Affairs? 

ZAKARIA: Alter Yale I went to Harvard to 
get a Ph.D. in po 
real sense of wh 


al science without a 
и I was going to do. [For- 
and ex-CEO of CNN] 
Walter Isaacson, whom I'd met at Harvard, 
called me up one day and said there was 
а job—the managing editorship—at For- 
eign Affairs. 1 wasn't interested. I thought 
1 might be in line for a job at Harvard 
But then I went home and thought, Why 
am I doing this? I never really wanted to 
be a professor. The Foreign Affairs thing 
sounded much more interesting, so | 
tossed my | n the 
PLAYBOY: Few journalists are discussed the 
way you are: handsome, with references 
to Cary Grant, Is it flattering, embarrass- 
ing or appalling? 
ZAKARIA: | don't quite understand it 
I've certainly never thought of myself 


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52 


in those terms. I grew up as a pretty 
dweeby-looking kid. But look, while 
I'm not trying to become a celebrity, I 
realize that sometimes some element of 
that comes with the territory, especially 
when уоште on television. Sometimes 
there's an invasion of privacy—I haven't 
signed up for this, I'm not trying to be 
а movie star, but I suppose that is the 
world we live in. 

PLAYBOY: Did you make a conscious deci- 
sion to become an analyst and commen- 
tator rather than a reporter? 

ZAKARIA: That was a choice. I knew where 
my strengths lay. I was not a reporter. I 
came out of an academic background, and 
my strengths were more analytical, histor- 
ical. I could place things in context 
PLAYBOY: At Newsweek, after 9/11, you 
wrote the famous "Politics of Rage: Why 
Do They Hate Us?" piece. Were you sur- 
prised by the intense reaction? 

ZAKARIA: It was a highly volatile time, so 
not really. There was one reaction from 
the Pat Robertson wing of the d 
people who wanted to see the situ, 
black-and-white, Islam is evil. I got some 
nasty stuff. I also got some nasty stuff 
from fundamentalist Muslims because I 
puta lot of emphasis on the dysfunctions 
of the Muslim world and the use there 
of religion for political reasons—that is, 
using religion to mask political failure. A 
preacher in one of the London mosques 
issued a fatwa against me, 

PLAYBOY: Were you fearful? 

ZAKARIA: Initially I was a little seared but 
also kind of proud until a friend of mine 
in the CIA said, “Don't be so happy. They 
issue these every day.” Nonetheless it was 
taken seriously enough that we had to 
have some consultation with the ЕНІ. For 
а while my mail was put in Tupperware 
containers so people wouldn't have to 
handle it—things like that. In the Arab 
world I still think a certain segment of 
the intelligentsia feels I betrayed them 
PLAYBOY: How much of that reaction is 
related to your Indian heritage? 
ZAKARIA: Whenever I write something an 
Indian or a Muslim doesn’t like, on some 
blog somewhere ГЇЇ be described as an 
Uncle Tom. There's a weird standard by 
which your views have to be identical to 
what is perceived as the proper ethnic 
view on any given subject. 
PLAYBOY: Isn't there pride 
ans for the internation 
their native son? 

ZAKARIA: That's probably the dominant 
view. In India, succeeding in America is 
celebrated in an unmitigated fashion. I 
think the fact that I have some promi- 
nence in the world of journalism is a 
source of pride for India. There's reci- 
procity because I am proud of my heri- 
tage, and I think it gives me a unique 
perspective on the changing world. 
PLAYBOY: In this changing world, you 
have described two possible paths for 
America: increased nationalism and iso- 
lationism, or openness and an embrace 


mong Indi- 
success of 


of change. Obviously you are pushing for 
the latter, but which is more likely? 
ZAKARIA: I'm not sure. None of the big 
issues, like global warming. interna- 
tional trade or terrorism, can be solved 
by one country. It's difficult to get every- 
body onboard because there are more 
and more players, and they're more and 
more powerful, but the need for coop- 
eration is the need of our time. The 
United States could play a historic role 
as the coordinator of and catalyst for 
cooperative endeavors. The fundamen- 
tal issue is whether the United States 
has the desire to create common ground 
and can place common interests above 
the desire to be in control. We can't say, 
“We want to make all these rules, and 
of course they won't apply to us because. 
we're special." That no longer works in 
a world where everyone feels special 
So it’s an enormous challenge. In some 
ways it requires a dramatic reversal of 
our worldview, but I am optimistic. I'm 
an optimist by nature. 

PLAYBOY: Given human nature and his- 
tory, including the history of other 
superpowers like the British empire 


In the Arab world a certain 
segment of the intelligentsia 
feels I betrayed them. When- 
ever I write something а 
Muslim doesn't like, I'll be 
described as an Unele Tom. 


and the Soviet Union, how do you justify 
your optimism? 

ZAKARIA: For the past 20 or 30 years, 
while everybody's been gloomy, pessi- 
mistic and expecting the world to end— 
whether through nuclear Armageddon 
or terrorism or the collapse of the world 
trading system—what has actually һар- 
pened? The opposite. We're doing all 
right. There are enormous problems, 
of course, but we're doing all right. If 
we recognize that, everywhere, human 
beings are trying to raise their standard 
of living and live in peace and prosper- 
ity, there's a powerful wave to ride. If 
governments align themselves with that 
common human aspiration, there's a 
hopeful place to begin. 

PLAYBOY: But are you optimistic that 
governments can align like that in an 
environment of competition, limited 
resources and extremists? 

ZAKARIA: Governments have a capac- 
ity to make corrections and to change. 
We've seen governments like the Soviet 
Union collapse. We've seen governments 
like India's move 180 degrees. Can the 
United States engage in a similar kind 


of change? It’s very difficult because 
the most successful country in the his- 
tory of the world. In business successful 
companies often die because they can't 
change—they have too much invested in 
the way things have been. But there are 
many other examples of companies that 
change. America can change 

PLAYBOY: Will it take a crisis? 

ZAKARIA: That's the million-dollar ques- 
tion. Can the United States—can the 
world—make the adjustments that need 
10 be made because we know what's 
coming, or will it take a crisis? If it takes 
a crisis, it may be too late, But a famous 
economist once said, "Unsustainable 
trends tend not to be sustained." If we 
run out of wheat, if we run out of pota- 
ble water, if we run out of oil—if these 
things happen, we'll have to adjust. The 
danger for the United States is that 
those shocks will probably take place 
outside the United States first. We're 
100 powerful, too strong. We may keep 
ending we don't have to adjust, that 
e too powerful and too strong to be 
affected. So what's more likely is a much 
slower version of the British empire: a 
kind of slow and gradual shift in posi- 
tion that isn't as noticeable to us. I don't 
think that's where we're going to end 
up, though. I think America is differ- 
ent. I have to believe that, 1 have to 
believe this country has a kind of flex- 
ibility and adaptability. America wants 
10 invent the future, It doesn't want to 
be trapped in the past. America wants to 
move forward. America does not want 
to occupy Iraq, where we're stuck. I've 
talked to many of the kids on the ground 
there. This is not the old British soldiers 
lording it over and loving it. This is a 
country that doesn't take pleasure in 
those satisfactions. It takes pleasure in 
the two-car garage and the iPod. These 
kids want to get back to their tract home 
in Kansas. I think there is a fundamen- 
tal healthiness to that perspective, and 
it has the potential to keep the country 
sane and not let it fall into the kind of 
historical trap every other great power 
has fallen into. 

PLAYBOY: How do you sei 
ing role? 

ZAKARIA: I feel I'm the immigrant who 
grew up outside this country but tells 
Americans to be true to themselves. Be 
open, don't be scared. Remember what 
made you great: the fact that America is 
an open, big, generous place where the 
future could be invented. America needs 
only to continue to be willing to be bold 
and brave. When you hear candidates 
say they're going to double the size of 
Guantanamo, you think to yourself, 
They don't get it. This is not just about 
а prison; it’s about who we are in the 
eyes of the world and in our own eyes. 
Remember who we are: We are about 
openness, hope and the future. 


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A RELENTLESS 
PERFORMER 
FOUND THE 
DEMANDS 

OF SUCCESS 
IMPOSSIBLE 
TO JUGGLE 


WHEN HE WAS DRINKING HE WOULD ALWAYS TALK LIKE BURL IVES AND SING OLD BURL IVES 
SONGS. HE'D GO,“A LITTLE BITTY TEAR LET ME DOWN, SPOILED MY ACT AS A CLOWN.” 


—ERICH MAS COW MULLER 


j 


do so. 


had arri 


ith the potential 
іп а new direc- 
that year pro- 


brought Chris togeth: 
and pla 


dramatic film. 
Яс of Fatty Arbuckle. 
scoe "Fatty" Arbuckl 
was a silent-film star bigg 
in his day than Charlie Chap- 
lin. He wa: 


1 the receiv- 


ing end of Hollywood's first 
million-dollar contract. He 
was also on the losing end 
of 5 first sex scan- 


dal, being wrongly accused 
of sexually assaulting and 
fatally wounding a young 
woman. Arbuckle watched 
his career impl 


even as 
his innocence was proven in 
court. Erillstein was drawn to the story for its 
howbiz history and intrigue. Chris 
was drawn to it for the man 
himself. After years of being 


On January 17, 1997 8 Ninja opened 
in theaters natic Despite a unanimous criti- 
cal thumping, it earned more than $12 million 


ing the weekly box office made to play the crazy fat 
ny Boy and Black Sheep, it wa: guy, Chris was being asked to 


Chris's third-straight number one film. 

That January also marked Chris's third- 
traight month of sobriety. After staying 
clean during the principal photography of 
Edwards & Hunt (the film's title was late 
changed to Almost Heroes), he rela 
jin in September and, with vary 
legrees of failure, с through 
parate rehab facilities over the 
months. Then, in late Oc 
ber, Chris showed definite signs 


play the guy behind the crazy 
fat guy. He was being asked 
to play himself, a role he rarely 
rmed for anyone. Much like 
Jackie Gleason's turn as Minnesota 
Fats in The Hustler, this was the 
role that would have fundamentally 
1 the course of Chris 

With the Arbuckle biopic ahead of 
him and 99 days behind him, Chris was 
d spirits. On the first weekend in 


improvement, When he celebr h, the U.S, Comedy Arts Festival in 
99th day of sobriety in Chica rado was hcsting a reunion of 
fellow Second City t Live cast members, hosts 


O'Malley, there was cause f 
But despite making m 
Beverly H 
àn embarrassment. It 
with critics and disap 
even hard-core fal 
elf at a profe: 
roads. His successful partne 
with SNL 
on the rocks. Th 
for a time over the stress саш 
by Chris's drinking and the s 
of a romantic triangle with a y 
man, Lorri Bagley. That partr 
ship, which played out b 
classic 
Chris's stron 


and writers. мега! dozen stars from the 
show's history attended, from founding 
fathers Chevy Chase and Lorne Michaels to 
freshmen Molly Shannon and Cheri Oteri. For 
vare that nor beyond anything 
ould have imagined up. It should have 
+ one of the highlights of his career. It wasn't. 


Chris 
h 


JOHN FARLEY, brothe 
hell 
fine in C 


1 don't know what the 
verything had been 
g flight to Aspen he 
was acting strang: elapsed that 
morning or the night before. | just remember 
sitting on the plane, thinking, Oh no. 

CONAN O'BRIEN, writer, SNL: When we 
in Aspen you could tell the trolley was 
barely making it around the curves. 


m PLAYBOY PHOTOGRAPHER DAVIS FACTOR 
CAPTURES THE MANY FACES OF FARLEY (1997). 


56 


\ FARLEY, brother: When | arrived he was already well 
into it, drinking and doing coke. From there it was just a total 
disaster. Spade really looked after him that weekend. 

E, cast member, SNL: | went to meet him in his 
room to go to dinner with Lorne [Michaels], and when | got to 
him he was already so messed up. We walked into the restau- 
rant, and it wasn't just Lorne. It was Lorne, Steve Martin, Dan 
Aykroyd, Chevy Chase and Bernie Brillstein, all these people 
Chris looked up to at this really nice formal dinner. | said, real 
quick, “Hey, Chris, come over to the bathroom. | gotta tell 
you something." And | took him into the kitchen, out the back 
door into the alley, and | said, "We're getting the fuck out of 
here. You can't sit with these people in this condition.” 


These strangers showed up, and he started drinking with 
them. | tried to stay with him, but eventually | just had to go to 
bed, Iwas at lunch the next day, and he walked in. He was with 
the same people and obviously hadn't gone to bed. They were. 
all wired, and Chris's eyes were rolling back. He said, "Davy. 
Davy, please stay with me. Don't leave me with these people” 

: One day we had lunch at the restaurant 
on the top of the mountain. While we were eating, Chris 
started crying, saying, “I can't stop. | just can't stop.” Hewas 
crying his eyes out right in the restaurant. 

ERNIE TEIN, producer: During the reunion Chris was 
outonstage with about 40 people from SNL. They were just tell 
ing stories, but Chriswas crazed. | thought he was going to have a 
heart attack onstage. Finally, Dana Carvey quietly took him off. 
original cast member, SNL: | read him the 
riot act that weekend. Everybody did. Chris was drunk and 


stoned and, on top of that, way overweight. | sat with him, and | 
said, “Look, you're not John Belushi. And when you overdose or 
kill yourself, you will not have the same acclaim that John did. 
You don't have the record of accomplishment that he had. You 
don't have the background that he had. And you don't have the. 
same cultural status that he had. You haven't had the chance to 
get that far, and you're already screwing yourself up. 

He kept saying, “I'm just trying to level out." That's what 
he said he was doing with the drinking and the cocaine. It's 
50 silly. It means if you took nothing, you'd be level already. 
Why take all this shit that's killing you? And | told him that. 
1 said, “I've experienced this. I've seen who dies. I've seen 
how far you think you can go, what you can take and what 
you can't. You're just going to end up 
being an overweight guy who could fall 
on his stomach and had one or two funny 
things in his career but nothing that ever 
really stood out. You'll be a blip in the 
New York Times obituaries page, and 
that'll be it. Is thatwhat you want?” 

ENKIRK, cast member, Second 
City: | was at a party for Mr. Show. Some- 
body came in and said, “Chris is out back 
He wants to talk to you? | go out back, and 
there's a Што. 1 go to the door and knock 
and the window rolls down. There's Chris, 
and he's packed in there with girls and 
hangers-on and this fucking scumbag who 
was pushing coke around. Chris is bloated 
and red-faced; he hasn't shaved. We talk 
for a few minutes, but there's really noth- 
ing to say at those times. 

I'd seen Chris fucked up before, but 
this time he looked as bad as anyone 
has ever looked. It was a horrible thing 
to watch. It's one thing to shake your fin- 
ger at a friend and say, "You're gonna kill 
yourself” It's another thing to look at him 
and know he's going to do it. 

M EY, brother: After Aspen his 
managers said, “He's going to rehab, and 
we're serious this time. He's going away 
for 13 weeks, and he's not coming back- 
except to present at the Oscars." 

EVI LEY: Brillstein-Grey sent 
him back to the lockup down south, but 
they thought it would be okay for him 
to go to the Oscars, under supervision, 
and present an award 

This woman who ran the 
facility said the only way they'd let Chris 
до was if he was there with someone from 
treatment. The next thing you know, she's 
the one who's going with him, and she 
made him pay her extra for her time, buy her first-class airfare, 
buy her adress and do the same for her daughter to accompany 
her. I don't think that helped. It just made him feel used. 

I didn't get it. Chris's managers were the ones busting 
him the hardest for fucking up at Aspen, and then two 
weeks later they were the same ones lobbying for him to 
come back and present at the Oscars. Itwas a money thing, 
The Oscars are exposure, and exposure means money. | 
guess they thought Chris needed it to help his career, 

RILLSTEIN: A few months earlier l'd taken him to 
New York to meet with David Mamet about the Fatty Arbuckle 
story. That story has always fascinated me, only because 
Arbuckle was innocent. Chris came to the meeting at a little 
restaurant down in the Village, and he was the good Chris, the 
well-behaved Chris, because he couldn't believe David Mamet 
evenwanted to meet him. Mamet (continued on page 120) 


"That's the guy I met who said he was a TV star.” 


STRIP POKER 


Jennifer "Jennicide" Leigh is the hottest player at the table 


ou finger your chips. Stare at the table. The dealer tosses you your hole cards. Stare 
at the table. You get rags. Stare at the table. You can't stare at the table. You are 
compelled to look at the sultry blonde. She winks, you blush, and she knows you have 
zilch, "I don't consciously flirt,” says Jennifer Jennicide" Leigh. "Му ulterior motive Is 
1o walk away with all your money." The 24-year-old poker star recelved her nickname when 
she was In a hacklng group—yes, she's an outlaw nerd and damn proud of It. "When I sit at 
the table I'm Jennicide," she says. "I'm there to kick some ass.” Jennifer was studying pre-law 
when someone In her internet community introduced her to online poker. “I realized | could 
make more money playing cards than | ever would as a lawyer, so | dropped out and turned 
pro,” she says. In her young career she has already placed in the money at the World Series 
of Poker, and she's aiming to take home the winner's bracelet this summer. What's a bigger 
rush: taking a big pot or getting off? For a moment she's stumped—then she trumps us. “I'm 
up for trying to do both at the same time,” she says. Something tells us she's not bluffing. 


The face that lost a thousand chips? "I've won $100,000 one day and given up more than that the next," 
Jennifer says. She plays mostly online but has begun to bring her disarming looks to the felt of the profes- 
sional circuit. "Im not yet as good a player as the legendary Doyle Brunson,” she says, "but | am cuter!” 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY ARNY FREYTAG 


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nected computer. When you're out of the house it lets you access your files from any Internet- 
connected computer and does automatic backups. THE GAME CONSOLE: The Wii may be 
fun, and the PS3 will eventually get some good games, but for now the Xbox 360 Elite 
($480) is the console of choice thanks to stunning games such as Ha/o 3 and BioShock and 
the ability to download movies and TV shows (many in high def) directly to the console's 
120-gigabyte hard drive. THE COMPUTER: The PCs made by Okoro Media Systems have 

high-def and surround-sound output for 
movies and TV and enough horsepower 
to manhandle PC games like Crysis and 
S.TA.LK.E.R.: Shadow of Chernobyl. This 
box has a sizzling Core 2 Extreme quad- 
core processor, an Nvidia GeForce 8800 
GTX graphics card and optional dual 
CableCARD slots. The seven-inch touch 
Screen echoes the main display so you 
can choose tunes when the TV is off. 
Starting at $4,600, it's not 
cheap, but its aesthetics 
and performance made 
us weak in the knees. 


THE GAME 
CONSOLE 


WHERE AND HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 123 


"Stop trying to creep me out!" 


67 


20 


EU 


Want to discover your inner filthmonger? The host of ! vs. 100 
is happy to share stories and jokes so dirty he ends up 
shocking himself—and that's not easy 


Q! 
PLAYBOY: You're the host of the NBC 
game show 1 vs. 100. Did you take the gig 
for the fat paycheck or because of your 
sincere love for trivia? 
SAGET: I'd be aliar if didn't say it's the com- 
pensation. l'm not doing it for college credit. 
But Im also a fan of the quiz-show format. 
III be honest: When NBC offered it to me, | 
was a little confused. | saw a movie on the 
Internet about a woman who had sex with 
100 guys, and | thought that's what they 
meant by 1 vs. 100. | thought it was going to 
be 100 women and me. Boy, was | wrong. 


Q2 
PLAYBOY: Do fans of Full House and America's 
Funniest Home Videos still get upset when 
they see you perform your stand-up comedy 
and find out you have а dirty mouth? 

SAGET: | guess it bothers some people. 
I've gotten positive and negative reactions. 
People watch my stand-up and then say 
things like "How can you taint your image 
like that? You had this wonderful family 
image, and then you tainted it; Well, you 
know what the taint is, don't you? “Taint 
ass nor balls. It's somewhere in the middle. 


That's where | like to be. Not literally, of 
course. | don'twant to be anywhere near ап 
actual taint. | mean in my career. | can be a 
dirty prick or a family-oriented TV guy, and 
in my heart | don't feel as if I'm wavering 


Q5 

PLAYBOY: Are you a filthy comic who ended 
up on a family TV show or a family-friendly 
actor who discovered his inner filthmonger? 

SAGET: | was aways a little filthy. | had to be 
toned down for Full House, but we had a lot. 
of fun on the set. My co-stars John Stamos 
and Dave Coulier and | were always getting 
into trouble and making loud, inappropriate 
comments. Let's just say there was a lot of 
scolding going on. We had a donkey in one 
of the episodes, and it took a shit onstage in 
front of the audience. It also got a really big 
erection. We started calling the donkey Pep- 
per Mill because it had a gigantic cock. Iwas 
just amazed by it. How do you get aroused 
and take a crapat the same time? So things 
like that would happen, and I'd be sweating 
because of all the comments running though 
my head, which of course Id never say out 
loud because there were children on the set. 


4 
PLAYBOY: Don't a us like that, Bob. 
What is your mast shameful memory from 
Full House? 

SAGET: You really want to hear this? Well, an 
the day in question we were blocking a scene. 
It was just me and the camera guys; there 
were по children on the set. We had this four- 
foot tall plastic doll thatwas a stand-in for my 
daughter when the girls were in school, 50 | 
was onstage, just me and this plastic doll, sit- 
ting on the bed, and...and then | did... some 
bad things to it. laughs] This sounds terrible, 
doesn'tit? didn't personalize the dollor make 
itinto anyone who existed on this earth. [t was 
just.. the dolls head spun around. Havel men- 
tioned that yet? It was double-jointed, You 
could hold it by one leg and spin it. Oh God 
why am | telling you this? When this interview 
isover Im going to hate myself In my defense, 
the doll was probably asking for it, Im pretty 
sure it was winking at me. And from what | 
understand, twas completely of age 


95 
PLAYBOY: What do you consider offensive? 
SAGET: Genuine cruelty and lack of kindness 
offend me. | love (continued on page 116) 


вз 


Tu Old 


A DESERT ROADHOUSE CAN BE А LITTLE 
BIT OF HEAVEN IN A WORLD OF HELL 


by 


ма Moab, long ago there was а roadhouse called 
the Canyon Club, which you couldn't find today 
with a road map. It isn't there. It isn't anywhere 
really. The building was used to store tires for some 
years after the bar failed and then was destroyed 
in a famous fire, and the road it was on up back of the 
highway is no longer a road but subsumed as part of 
an abandoned construction yard of which there are 
plenty at the south end of that town. The Canyon 
Club with its red and blue neon sign thrived in the 
years after the uranium boom in Utah had burst but 
before the mountain bikers had come in to make red 
rock country the new center of gravity sports. Moab 
was just a town where the road crossed the Colorado 
River; there were a dozen hopeful motels, all ma-and- 
pa deals, and two supermarkets and a hardware, and 
Friday nights the town swelled as the ranchers and 
wildcatters from up and down the line came in to 
recharge or discharge or just buy two weeks’ groce 
and take a minute and get drunk. 

1 was in the Canyon Club on one occasion, the kind 
of night that has made me look for the place every time 
1 drive through that town, which is about once a 
now. Finally, l'asked the barman at the new brewery on 
Main Street what happened to it, and he told me the 
short history. I'm always in Moab in the afternoon and 
it's always hot, and though as I drive north I always 
think about jumping in the river, I have only jumped 
in the river once on a blistering afternoon and I let the 

уу river take me downstream about 100 yards, real 
slowly, while I blinked at the red rocks and smelled 
the willows. It is a wonder to me that I don't more fre- 
quenily jump in rivers; it is something that can mal 
LILSTTANON BY TOMER HAN 


72 


you feel more like yourself than any of your other plans. I'm 
а strange locked-up soul that way. I know what's good for 
me, and I do it about half the time. More now, but still. 
"Thirty years ago one October, I saw the beer lights in the 
windows under the dark rocky cliffs there, and I drove into 
the gravel lot of the Canyon Club determined, I sce now, to 
do something Га have to lie about. I was going to get drunk, 
certainly, because that was my way, and I would do whatever 
else was occasioned by that state. The reasons I was going 
10 get drunk don't matter, although it would be wonderful 
in such a story to have some. It was what I did once a week, 
certainly every two, and I thought I was young and strong 
and could go on that way dropping the ball because I had 
the energy and wherewithal to pi ick up. The bullshit. 
we live in without complaint is astonishing. 
Tt was cold that night and crisp, and the lights of town 
сте crisp in the new desert dark. I like a strip of roadway 
in a small town when the motel lights are coming on and 
the traffic is slowing because people are not grinding any- 
where else tonight. The lot at the Canyon Club was full this 
carly, which I thought odd, but I was determined to stand 


THERE WAS LITTLE I HOPED FOR, 
AND FOR A WHILE I THOUGHT IT WAS 
LUCK, BAD LUCK. MY HEART WASN'T 
ON STRAIGHT, BUT CHANGE IS EVERY- 
WHERE WAITING; YOU CAN'T STOP IT. 


it, even crowded. A roadhouse had a sort of magic for me, 
which is to say: I loved to drink and anyplace would do. 1 
was divorced from my wife and daughters and I had the 
next morning free, which means I imagined a deeper hole 
than Га usually jump into. 

I see now that I was hurting, but who can see that at the 
time? I had been injuring myself steadily for some time, 
and I wanted that hurt. Isn't that strange? You look back 
later and you sort of see that you could have got in your 
car and driven on through the night, listening to absolutely 
anything on the radio, talk or music or a ball game from far 
off, and it would have healed you a little. Oh shit, I did not 
think in terms of healing. At all. 

Inside I saw the secret to the mystery: It was 60 women all 
drinking and playing pool and moving through clouds of 
smoke with mugs of beer under the big back bar banner: 
DEER WIDOWS WALTZ—HALF OFF ALL WEEKEND. I mean it was 
crowded. I then remembered it was the first weekend of the 
deer hunt. All these husbands were off in the hills with their 
rifles. The place was a little smaller on the inside than it 
appeared from out, and I bumped through this assemblage 
and found the one seat at the end of the bar, under the tele- 
sion. I had to move two phone books to the floor, but I sat 
down, and the bartender came down, a young bald guy with 
an earring and blond muttonchop sideburns, and I ordered 
the tap pint with a glass of Jack Daniel's. It was loud in ther 
the women had come to whoop it up and there was literally 
a whoop or two every minute, and the laughter was so loud 
T thought they were making it up. 


Seeing me squeezed in the corner like that, not talking 
to anyone, the bartender slid me the television remote 
when he brought my second round. The women were 
jammed in, half of them in hunting caps, orange and red, 
and flannel shirts, a sort of costume. They were all walking 
drunk. There was a big gang of them playing pool, some 
kind of three-ball tournament with a blackboard, and a 
slug of them were dancing, and there was always one of 
them reaching over me to get a beer. It took me a minute 
to see how strange it was, one of the few men in a bar full 
of women, but it was too late to be intimidated, and they 
didn't care that some tourist was sucking down his beer. 
After 20 minutes, I saw there was another guy down the 
bar, facing forward like me, not coming and going, and he 
caught my eye and nodded up at the television. I forget 
what was on, some cooking show or the like, but the guy 
leaned forward obviously talking to me and he mouthed 
World Series, and made like to click the remote. I lifted it 
up and pointed and started going through the channels 
Lho gar would pointiand-T'wouldichange the chaunel, 
and then two women saw him and they were asking him 
how he did it with just his finger, and the 
laughing women started pointing their 
fingers and trying it, but I would wait 
until he pointed and then advance the 
channels. It was funny there at the bar 
for a while. The women were bumping 
his shoulder and saying, Come on, what's 
the magic, like that, and he wasn't kid- 
ding around at all and wanted them to 
go away; and even after I showed them 
the remote, they wouldn't leave him 
alone. He was a handsome guy in a white 
dress shirt. You knew there was a coat 
and a tie in his car. Then they wanted 
him to dance and he was laughing, like 
no no and they were hauling at him 
Meanwhile, I found the World Series, 
all green grass and bright lights, and it 
was a huge relief and a comfort on such 
а night to find the ball game. Far away 
in a big city a lot of people were still up. It was carly in 
the game. When I looked back down the bar, the women 
had moved off and the guy was stone still over his bee 
hunched there, and I think he was crying. 1 guess they'd 
picked on him until he started crying. 


Who's not lonely? When 1 saw him like that, I felt it all 
in my body and the good part of the ball game and the 
drinks Га had went away for a while, It was October, 
and I hadn't made much of the year. It was early but it 
felt late, and all 1 could do was have another round and 
pretend I hadn't s 

Crying is tough. It's tough on me, and I cry more now 
than I used to, but then I realized to start crying would be 
a big mistake because I then would need a reason to stop, 
and those reasons were in short supply. 

I was a failure, though a man never uses that word about 
himself. I failed or I was a failure. You say, you're moving 
on or the next thing will happen. The word failure is for 
other people, and I was somebody else in those days and 
so ГЇ say it truly, 1 was a failure. All the things I had done 
I had done halfway and halfway in any league is failure. 
There was little I liked and there was little I hoped for, 
and for a while I thought it was luck, bad luck, that is, 
but it wasn’t bad luck. My heart wasn't on straight, and 
I didn't think enough of my efforts as a branch manager 
or a sales rep to make them worthy efforts. I think a lot 
of people have this, and the way out is to decide you like 
what you're doing and you like (concluded on page 114) 


“Come here, I want to show you something..." 


74 


J Alexander lives her life in the fast lane 

and has a combination of beauty and 

spirit that keeps our engines revved. AJ 

(that's right, like an expectant mother, AJ 

has no periods) grew up in Evansville, 

- Indiana, just a three-hour drive (or less, if 

you know how to Use a gas pedal) from the fabled 

Brickyard, where another A.J.—the legendary A.J. 

Foyt, you'll recall—was a four-time winner of the 

Indianapolis 500. One of Miss May's happiest mem- 

ories is of time spent at her father's go-kart track, 

racing the go-karts or hanging around the arcade 

and playing Pole Position, her video game of choice 

(as you should have guessed). Now AJ has anew 

outlet for her love of racing: Notice how the fiery 

27-year-old model's curves complement the stream- 

lined Nissan 350GT Playboy Racing Team car on 

the following pages. (This car is only one of several 

hot vehicles co-sponsored by the Rabbit that have 
competed at speedways across the country.) 

AJ also enjoys racy adventures of a different 

sort. “I'm not as innocent as | look," she says with 


a mischievous grin. She confesses an affinity for 
ripped abs—and eating fruit off them. * do love 
pineapple," she says, laughing. "Everyone reads 
me as this sweet, shy goody-goody. It's true and 
it's not true." 

Trained to work as a dental assistant, AJ (which 
is short for Amanda Jane) shifted into modeling 
and acting a few years ago, about the time she 
moved to Orange County, California. After sev- 
eral appearances in Playboy Special Editions she 
won a role as a deaf DJ ("I actually had to learn 
sign language") in the comedy American Summer. 
On the film set AJ met Miss August 2001 Jenni- 
fer Walcott, who shared some advice оп how to 
score a Centerfold. “1 consider her my big sister 
and a good role model," says AJ, who appreciates 
Jennifer's generosity. “I hope to be the same for 
another girl someday." Meanwhile, she is enjoying 
what fate has brought her way. “I always wanted 
to model, but I thought | would live in a small town 
forever and have limited opportunities. Now I say, 
Thanks, PLAYBOY!’ | love it." 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY ARNY FREYTAG 


\ N 4 | cae À 
E A 


PLAYMATE DATA SHEET 


NAME: AT A kexander - 
wen ZC are EL ums 2D - 
HEIGHT: Em ge re Mie Woks u” 


BIRTH DATE: - 101980: митинк: ,—Evonsvile, N 
AMBITIONS: Amice Carter OS о. model and 
Actress and at the Same time enjoying Family life. 


athleticism and. Qood. Communication Kills. 
Tumores: Ша "E WE oral Bye, EE ір 


FIVE ARTISTS I DANCE то: CAN rau eme 
ола britney Spears, plus many more | 
E she iS - 


[DV DISCO! va TNE CEST, Smorkst, DEST ара 


ADVENTUROUS FOODS I HAVE TRIED: Oysters, squid £ 


MY DERTETETOK OF TRUE HAPPINESS: Seeing the Мос 


T-ball, т еї Hi 
Yes, ne mE pos a 


PLAYBOY'S PAHTY JOKES 


2 Gore T can get a haircut The barber 
Where must you go to find a man who is 
truly committed? 

A mental hospital 


As a senior citizen was driving down the 
freeway, his cell phone rang. Answering, 
he heard his wife's voice urgently warning 
him, “I just heard on the news there's a car 
going (he wrong way on the interstate. 
Please be careful!” 

“Heck,” the man said, “it’s not just one 
car. It's hundreds of them.” 


What is the number one way to drive a man 
crazy? 
Marry him. 


А man called a divorce lawyer's off 

I want to talk to my wife's lawyer. 
The receptionist replied, “I'm sorry, but ће 

died last week. 

[һе next day he phoned again and asked 

the same question. The receptionist replied, "1 

told you yesterday, he died last week. 

The next day the man called again and 
asked to speak to his wife’s lawyer. By this 
time the receptionist was very annoyed and 
said, “I keep telling you, your wife's lawyer 
died last week. Why do you keep calling?" 

The man answered, “I just love hearing that." 


A 70-year-old stockbroker was pouring out 
his heart to his close friend. "I'm nuts about 
one young lady,” he began. “Do you think 
Га have a better chance of marrying her if 
I told her I was 50? 

“I think,” his friend said, “you'd have a 
better chance if you told her you were 00.7 


looked around at the shop and said, "About 
three hours.” The guy left. 

A week later the same guy stuck his head 
in the shop and again asked the same ques- 
tion. The barber said, "About an hour and a 
half." The guy left 

The barber turned to a friend and said, 
“Do me a favor. Follow that guy and sec 
where he goes. He keeps asking how long he 
has to wait for a haircut, but then he never 
comes back." 

Aliule while later the friend returned to the 
shop, laughing hysterically 

The barber asked, “So where does that guy 
go when he leave 

The friend smiled and answered, 
house.” 


What's the diflerence between sin and shame? 
It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to 
pull it out 


Your 


For his birthday a little boy asked for a 10-speed 
bicycle. "Son, we'd give you one," the father 
said, "but the mortgage on this house is 
$280,000, and your mother just lost her job. 
There's no way we can allord it in our cur- 
rent situation." 

The next day the father saw the little boy 
heading out the front door with a suitcase, so 
he said, "Son, where аге you going? 

“Well,” the boy said, "I was walking past your 
room last nighi and heard you telling Mom 
you were pulling out. Then I heard Mom tell 
you to wait because she was coming too. And 
Tl be damned if I'm staying here by myself 
with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike. 


Send your jokes to Party Jokes Editor, PLAYBOY, 
730 Fifth Avenue, New York, New York 10019, or 
by e-mail through our website at jokes playboy.com. 
PLAYBOY will pay 8100 to the contributors whose sub- 


missions are selected, 


IT'S TIME TO STOP 
WORRYING ABOUT CON- 
GRESSIONAL HEARINGS 
AND PERJURY CHARGES. 
BASEBALL TODAY HAS 
AN AMAZING AMOUNT OF 
GREAT YOUNG TALENT 


BY TRACY RINGOLSBY 


hen the Colorado Rockies reflect on their surprising 2007 season, they focus on June's 1-9 road 
trip during which closer Brian Fuentes blew four saves—as the turning point. “We kept bouncing back, having a chance to 
win games but just not able to finish them off,” says manager Clint Hurdle. “The beauty of this game is that the next day, if 
you want to take advantage of it, you get a fresh start. There's another game.” That's what baseball is all about: fresh starts. 
New seasons begin, and old agonies can be forgotten. Get the hint? Forget the stuff about steroids and HGH. That's in the 
past. Baseball can't undo what has happened, but off the field it has tried to address the issues. And with the Players Asso- 
ciation and ownership now working together, baseball has the most stringent drug policies of any team sport. Enjoy the game. 
It's filled with stars like left-hander Johan Santana. These young players are ready to become the next generation of heroes. 


2004 


N 
‚ New York 
oy Last season: 88-74. Second place, o me NL EAST 
"ШЕ behind the Phillies. The Mets led the majors БЕН МЕТ5 
with 900 stolen bases and were thrown out only 46 NL CENTRAL CUBS 


times—an 81 percent success 


Off-season focus: The Mets worked to eradicate the ugli- NL WEST DIAMONDBACKS 
ness of the late-season collapse that cost them a divisi к Ке 
title, and they hit a bonanza. After staying on the perimet NL WILD CARD: BREWERS 

NL PENNANT METS 


tio. 


of the Johan Santana trade talks with Minnesota through- 
out the winter, they came out a winner when the Yankees 
and Red Sox backed out. The Twins had no choice bı 
accept the Mets’ package, which was less than overwhel 


AL EAST RED SOX 


ing. The team also addressed concerns abe 
allowing Paul Lo Duca to leave as a free 
ing highly regarded Brian Schneider from Washin; 
In-season prognosis: The addition of Santana to the ALWEST ANGELS 


rotation gives the Mets the type of pitching depth that 


Would Jeni ne LE E E O ALWILD CAR BLUE JAYS 
frees Aaron Heilman to fill a middle-relief void, thou 
he would prefer to start. Now the team needs to revive AL PENNANT ANGELS 
1B Carlos Delgado, who reached carcer lows last season 
in RBI (87), average 
percentage (448). 
Oh, to be young: The left side of the Mets infield is ay, phe wina a e, bn is coser из 
у ill triumph over quali, аз а deep Angels staff will pr 
promising, to say the least, with David Wright Amph mar quay es а deep Angel abit vil pe 
third and Jose Reyes, 24, at short. If only Reyes c 
learn to play hard every day 


CENTRAL INDIANS 


»LAvBov:s Ш nas EBALL PREVIEW 


30 


Philadelphia 
Last season: 80-73. First 
place, one game ahead. The 


Phillies were swept by the Rockies in 
the NL Division Series. They led the 
МІ. with 892 runs scored and 580 
extra-base hits 


free agent and traded SS Edgar Ren- 
teria to Detroit for the promising arm 
of RHP Jair Jurrjens. They filled the 
resulting voids by picking up Mark 
Kotsay to play center and promoting 
SS Yunel Escobar from the minors. 
Kotsay is a favorite of GM Frank 


ising young talent but no veterans to 
help the young players get their feet wet. 
And everyone has to be aware that as the 
young talent matures, the money won't 
be there to keep it. The Marlins’ new 
stadium is far from a sure thing, which 
adds to the suspicion that the franchise 


HANLEY 
RAMIREZ 


Florida may not be able to 
afford to keep its talent, but it 
has shown an айу to find It. 
The Marlins emphasize scouting. 
other teams’ minor league systems; 
that's how they found Hanley Ramirez, 
a key part of the prospect package the Marlins got from Boston. 
Ramirez went on to eam NL Rookie of the Year honors with Florida. 
In 2006, when he became the fist rookie In NL history to score 110 
runs and steal 50 bases. Not that the Red Sox can complain about 


Wren, who was in Florida 
when Kotsay was the Marlins’ 
number one drafi choice, but 
the back problems he has suf- 
fered in recent years are real 


cause for doubt 
In-season progno- 
The Braves are 
willing to write off 
Glavine's struggle in 
his final three starts 
for the Mets as just 
one of those things 
and notan indication 
he has reached the 
end of the line. If they 
are right, Glavine, 
along with John 


will eventually have to relocate. 
Oh, to be young: RF Jeremy Hermida, 
24, is a former first-round draft pick 
who has grown into the big-league role 
and is being counted on to help less 
experienced teammates adjust 


PRINCE FIELDER 


A second-generalion ballplayer with a major legacy to Iive up 
to, Prince Fielder, who turns 24 this May 9, appears to be 
more than ready for the challenge. He and his father, Cecil, 
are the fist father and son to both have hit 50 home runs 
їп a season, and Prince is also the youngest player ever to 
do so. Fielder currently plays first base for Milwaukee, but 
along with displaying his 
father’s power, he also has 
his father's build, which 
means the designated- 


the trade that brought them Josh Beckett and Mike Lowell. 


Off-season focus: Alter a late-scason 
charge to claim the division title, the 
Phillies spent the off-season fine-tuning 
the roster. While they lost the leader- 
ship of Aaron Rowand, they addressed 
bullpen problems by acquiring closer 
Brad Lidge from Houston and filled a 
void at third base by signing free agent 
Pedro Feliz. Lidge’s arrival allows Brett 
Myers to return to the rotation. 
In-season prognosis: The team won't 
fade into oblivion. It has too much 
offense with a lineup that not only 
led the league in runs scored last ycar 
but features the past two NL MVPs— 
Ryan Howard (2006) and Jimmy Rol- 
lins (2007)—with a potential future 
MVP, Chase Utley, at second base 
Ihe return of Myers to the rotation, 
where he joins the emerging LHP Соје 
Hamels, gives the Phillies a solid foun- 
dation. The key will be getting Lidge 
back on course after two inconsistent 
years with Houston and springtime 
knee surgery. 

Oh, to be young: Hamels, 24, estab- 
lished himself as a key part of the 
division-championship rotation, going 
15-5 with а 3.39 ERA in a неге park 


Arany Atana 

EE Last season: 84-78 
Third place, five games behind. The 
Braves have had back-to-back third- 
place finishes on the heels of 14 straight 
division titles, a pro sports record. 
Off-season focus: The Braves wanted 
to regain that old feeling, so they 
signed a key player in their former 
success, LHP Tom Glavine. Making 
their annual payroll adjustments, they 
allowed CF Andruw Jones to leave as a 


Smoltz, Tim Hudson 
and the developing 
arm of Jurrjens, will 
let the Braves regain top-line 
starting pitching. The lineup 
is solid with Chipper Jones 
id Mark Teixeira, last year’s 
in-season addition, in the 
middle of things. However, 
the team doesn't have the 
depth to overcome the loss of 
any key player 
Oh, to be young: € Brian 
McCann, 24, is a left-handed threa 
whose abilities led the Braves to give 
him a six-year contract last spring even 
though he was two years removed 
from arbitration. 


Florida 
Last season: 7 1-01. Filih place, 
18 games behind. 


Off-season focus: Another year. 
another off-season of freeing up pay- 
roll. The top two players on the Mar- 
lins roster—3B Miguel Cabrera and 
LHP Dontrelle Willis—were shipped to 
Detroit for a package of prospects that 
includes phenoms CF Cameron May- 
bin and LHP Andrew 

Miller. The Marlins 

did their usual bargain 

shopping and came Б 
away optimistic 

landing 3B Jose 
ипо and LHP Mark 
Hendrickson, who 
at $1.5 million is the 
highest-paid member 
of the rotation. 
In-season prognosis: 
There isn't much hope 
for the Marlins, either 
on the field or off. The 
team has a lot of prom- 


hitter position Iles in his future, 
As well as his baseball career 
is shaping up, though, Flelder 
has had problems off the. 
field: He and his father 

had а falling out over 

the way the elder 

elder handled the 

bonus money his son 
received for being the 
Brewers’ first-round 

draft choice in 2002. 


Washington 

Last season: 73-80. Fourth 

place, 16 games behind. 
Off-season focus: Nationals GM Jim 
Bowden has long been enamored with 
raw athletic talent—and has shown little. 
concern about off-field reputations— 
which was underscored again when he 
dealt for OFs Lastings Milledge, from the 
Mets, and Elijah Dukes, from the Rays. To 
replace C Brian Schneider, who went to 
the Mets in the Milledge deal, ће Nation 
als first signed former Met Paul Lo Duca. 
Afier Lo Duca hurt his knee, the team 
picked up Johnny Estrada, whois headed 
to his fifth team in four years. 


TROY 
TULOWITZKI 


With the signing bonus he got as 

a 2005 first-round draft choice, 

Troy Tulowitzki went оп a spending. 

spree. He bought an Escalade, He 

bought his parents a home. “That was. 

the most important thing for me, to give 

my parents a home,” the Rockies shortstop 

says. "Growing up, we always rented. This 

was a way for me to do something special for my fam. 

ly” A year ago Tulowitzki broke Emie Banks's record 

for home runs by a rookie shortstop and became the 
first one in 50 years to drive in 99 runs 


What's a team to do after it wins it all? 
It can change direction, or it can stand pat 


The Season After 


hen Boston won the World Series in 2004 
Ws rained down on Red Sox Nation 
like manna from heaven. It wasn't hard to 
predict how fans would react when Theo Epstein and 
company immediately started making changes. How 
could they ship out players who had helped the team 
win its first World Series in 86 years? But the front 
office stuck to its guns. By the time the Sox entered the 
2007 World Series, only seven players remained from 
the 2004 championship team. We know what happened. 
next. The holdovers played a key role in the most recent 
World Series win, of course, with David Ortiz and Manny 
Ramirez making a big impact. But Boston wouldn't have. 
won last year if not for the new guys: Josh Beckett, 
Mike Lowell, Jonathan Papelbon and Dustin Pedroia. 
The retooling of the Red Sox underscores the delicate bal- 


(a) 


filled one hole and opened another. The team's 
weak spots the year before—shortstop and left 
field—became magnified. And a few players who 

had career years in 2005 pulled back in 2006. 
Chicago's 2007 season showed the bigger prob- 

lems that can occur when a team hopes to recap- 

ture past glory without making changes. With 

six members of the team's starting nine over 

the age of 30, the offense regressed. Another 

reason for Chicago's demise is the most fickle 

entity in baseball: the bullpen. Dustin Herman- 

son, Neal Cotts and Cliff Politte posted ERAs of 

2.04 or lower for the White Sox in 2005; two 

years later every reliever except Bobby Jenks was 

raked over the coals. Add it up and the White Sox 

won just 72 games in 2007, a 27-game collapse in only 


ance every team faces when it wins a title. Standing pat 
usually sits well with the media and fans, but it doesn't 
help a team put up more banners. The two years follow- 
ing the 2005 World Series win for the White Sox show 
what can happen when a team is complacent. Chicago 
did make one big move for 2006, trading Aaron Rowand 
to the Phillies for Jim Thome. But that move merely 


two years. All of which raises the question: How should 
the Red Sox have handled this past off-season? Did they 
make the right move in re-signing Lowell? Will Curt Schil- 
ling help the pitching staff at all? Or would a run at Johan 
Santana have been the better move? Maybe the Red Sox 
are best served by relying on their crop of upand-coming 


In-season prognosis: T he Nationals fig- 
ure to turn a profit with their move into 
a new stadium, but the team itself doesn't 
have much to fill the seats. A bullpen that 
led the NL with an average of three and 
1wo thirds innings a game last scason fig- 
ures to finally show the wear and tear of 
an inconsistent rotation. The offense has 
major holes, but it could benefit from 
getting out of RFK Stadium. 
Oh, to be young: 3B Ryan Zimmerman, 
93, was in the big leagues the year alter 
ng a first-round draft choice. He has 
adapted quickly, hitting 44 home runs in 
two years despite the vastness of RFK. 


N EN 


Chicago 

Last season: 85-77. First place, 

two games ahead. The Cubs 
were swept by Arizona in the NLDS 
and ranked second in the league with a 
4.04 ERA, regardless of Wrigley Field's 
reputation as a hitter's park. 
Off-season focus: Having put together a 
quality pitching staff—and with Sean 
Marshall and Sean Gallagher ready to 
step into the rotation, along with Carlos 
Marmol's emergence as the projected. 
closer—the Cubs turned their attention to 
offense. That involved signing Japanese 
RF Kosuke Fukudome. They also brought 
back Jon Lieber, who has battled injuries. 
But if Lieber is healthy, he will add depth 
to the rotation with a sinker that should 
handle the challenges of Wrigley Field. 
The team did, however, cut ties with 
Mark Prior, ing to wait any lon- 


ger for him to mature as a big-leaguer 
In-season prognosis: This season is the 
100th anniversary of the Cubs’ last world 
championship—heck, they haven't even 
played in a World Series since 1945—but 
we have reason to expect they will cel- 
ebrate the end of 99 years of frustration. 
With the pitching staff pretty much in 
and the addition of Fukudome 
» with holdover run producers 
Alfonso Soriano, Derrek Lee and Aramis 
mirez, the team should be primed to 
build off its 63-46 finish to 2007. 
Oh, to be young: C Geovany Sotc 
was MVP of the Triple-A Pacific Coast 
League last ycar. He has shown a live 
bat in his brief big-league auditions 
and allowed the Cubs to let Jason 
Kendall walk. 


Milwaukee 
Last season: 83-79. Second 
place, two games behind. Not only did 
the Brewers lead 
the majors with 231 
home runs, they 
ranked second in the 
NL with a 456 slug- 
ging percentage. 
Off-season focus: 
The Brews knew 
they had to do some- 
thing to clear up 
the defensive mess 
of sweet-swinging 
Ryan Braun at third 
base. They came up 
short in their effort 
10 acquire or sign 


JACOBY 


pitchers. We'll soon find out. 


Jacoby Ellsbury has forced a change of thinking 
іп Boston: Prospects used to exist in Pawtucket 
solely as trade bait, but the kids aren't so bad 
after all. Just how special do the Red Sox think 
Ellsbury is? Well, at the age of 24 and yet to play 
а full season in the big leagues, he displaced 
veteran Coco Crisp in center field during last 
year's postseason and was the stumbling block 
for the Red Sox in acquiring Johan Santana in 
the off-season. The first major league player of 
Navajo descent, Ellsbury is the prototypical lead. 
off hitter and has the added attraction of being. 
2 Gold Glove-caliber defensive player. 


—Jonah Keri 


a third baseman, so they got creative 
They signed CF Mike Cameron, which 
allows them to move Bill Hall to third 
after a one-year experiment in center 
and then put Braun in left field, 
In-season prognosis: A young team 
made the move from afterthought to con- 
tender in 2007 and now wants to bring 
Milwaukee its first postseason appearance 
since 1982. The Brewers have the offense 
to do it. Prince Fielder, at 28, became the 
youngest player to hit 50 home runs in 
а season, and Braun hit 34 in only four 
months. The question is whether they 
can close out games. The team lost Fran- 
cisco Cordero to free agency and took a 
$10 million gamble on Eric Gagne, a pen- 
nant-stretch bust in Boston last season. 
Oh, to be young: Okay, Braun, 24, was 
а mess at third base and is being moved 
10 left field, but he did hit his way to 
NL Rookie of the Year honors. A sweet 
swing with power. 


lar 


ELLSBURY 


А 


92 


Cincinnati 
Last season: 72-00. Fifth 
place, 13 games behind. The 


Reds bullpen allowed a .982 batting aver- 
age, the highest in the National League. 

Off-season focus: Ongoing struggles 
on the field continue to feed a lack 
of stability in the Reds dugout. Dusty 
Baker, who has managed both the 


GRADY 
SIZEMORE 


^ Bartolo Сооп legacy 
à lives on In Cleveland. 
thanks to Grady Size 
more. The Indians got 
Sizemore as a prospect 

when they traded Colon to the 
Expos, Omar Minaya was run- 
hing Montreal and wanted to 
make a splash in hopes of getting 
an opportunity with another team. 
Things worked out fine: Minaya 
became general manager for the 
Mets, and Sizemore became the 
‘comerstone ofthe Indians ree- 
mation, He had been а third-round 
dratt pick In 2000, but the Expos 
paid $2 millon to sign him, Size- 
more was, after all, the top foot- 
ball recruit of the University of 
Washington when he came out of 
Cascade High School In Everett, 
Washington, and the Huskies were 
going to let him play baseball and 
football unti the Expos anted up. 


Giants and the Cubs, was hired to 
replace Pete Mackanin. He becomes 
the fifth Reds manager since the start 
of the 2003 season. The team was able 
to address the glaring late-inning need 
in the bullpen, but it came at a price— 
$46 million over four years to snag 
Francisco Cordero, who after two mar- 
ginal years rebounded with a str 
season in Milwaukee last year. That 
was all GM Wayne Krivsky was able to 
accomplish to strengthen the pitching 
staff, which has been a major problem. 
In-season prognosis: Baker likes ollense, 
and he will have a run-scoring team this 
season in one of the more hitter-friendly 
ballparks in baseball. Without a major 
breakthrough from several young arms, 
however, it won't matter unless the Reds 
find a way to get 27 outs cach game. Ой 
erwise there is no reason to think they 
can finish at .500, much less contend in 
the weakest division in baseball. 

Oh, to be young: RHP Homer Bailey, 
21, a former first-round draft choice, has 
forced the issue. He has the potential 
to be a dominant arm for a long time. 


St. Louis 
Last season: 78-84. Third 
place, seven games behind. 


The Cardinals ranked 28th in the 
majors in number of stolen bases, with 


and finished dead last in success 
rate, with 63 percent. 

Off-season focus: Walt Јоскему was 
dumped as general manager and 
replaced by his former assistant John 
Mozeliak. More than that, the move 
showed the power of Jeff Luhnow, who 
is ostensibly in charge of scouting and 
player development but reports directly 
to general partner Bill DeWitt Jr. Man- 
ager Tony La Russa decided to stay for 
en though his ally Jocketty isn't 
ind. La Russa was able to get 3B Scott 
Rolen dealt to the Blue Jays and obtained 
veteran 3B Troy Glaus in return. 
In-season prognosis: Even though 
Luhnow has the car of ownership, the 
lack of production from his arcas of 
responsibility are starting to be exposes 
and they leave the Cardinals in a fast 
fade from the team that won the world 
championship just two years ago. The 
payroll exceeds $100 million and the 
lineup includes the National League's 
best hitter, Albert Pujols, but the team 
doesn’t have much in the way of a sup- 
porting cast, particularly in pitching 
Oh, to be young: С Yadier Molina, 25, 
isn't overwhelming, but he's the only 
Cardinal 25 or younger and he's the best 
in the bigs at throwing out runners. 


X Houston 


Last season: 73-89. Fourth 

place, 12 games behind 
The Astros are coming off only their 
second losing sea- 
son in the past 12. 
Off-season focus: 
Former Philadel- 
phia GM Ed Wade, 
who once served as 
the Astros’ media- 
relations director, 
was hired to run 
the baseball side, 
reuniting him with 
Astros president 
Tal Smith, Wade's 
baseball guru 
Wade then decided 
to skip a rebuild- 
ing program and 
take advantage 
of a weak divi- 
sion, acquiring SS 
Miguel Tejada from Baltimore. After he 
dealt closer Brad Lidge to Philadelphia 
for a package of players to fill multi- 
ple holes, he landed bullpen replace- 
ment Jose Valverde from Arizona in 
exchange for a package of role players 
who didn't fit the Astros plan. 
In-season prognosis: The acquisi- 
tion of Tejada—to go with RF Hunter 
Pence, 18 Lance Berkman and LF Car- 
los Lec—gives the Astros a productive 
quartet that will improve with the addi- 
tion of CF Michael Bourn from Phila- 
delphia. But a team does not live 


FELIX HERNANDEZ 


AL a young age Felix Hernandez had scouts 
flocking down dirt roads in Venezuela to watch 
him throw off the mound. When he was 14, the 
claim is, he threw a fastball that was docked 
at 94 miles an hour. Now that he's 22 the 
word is he occasionally reaches 100 miles an 
hour. Signing Hernandez was a tribute 10 
Seattle scouting director Bob Engle. Sure, 
the $710,000 bonus helped, but the Mariners 
reportedly offered Hernandez less money than 
the Yankees, Atlanta and Houston. What 
made the difference? Engle put in the 
overtime, getting to know the Hernandez. 
family and assuring them their son 
would be well taken care of in Seattle. 


BASEBALL PREVLEW  _ 


offense alone, and the Astros will need 
more than a couple of unexpected 
pitching developments to have a chance 
of competing in the NL Central. 

Oh, to be young: Pence, 24, was one of 
the few bright spots for the Astros last 
year. He is a bit rough defensively, but 
he can ignite a lineup with his speed 
and ability to drive the ball. 


Pittsburgh 

Last season: 68-04. Sixth 

place, 17 games behind. The 
Pirates’ young pitching was betrayed by 
а deficient offense that ranked 12th in 
the league in runs scored. 
Off-season focus: It's time for another 
five-year plan in Pittsburgh. Gone are GM 
Dave Littlefield, replaced by former 
Cleveland front-office aide Neal Hunting- 
ton, and manager Jim Tracy, replaced by 
onetime Pirates coach John Russell, The 
new regime made no pretense about its 
efforts in the off-season: Pittsburgh added 
six players to the major league roster, five 
of them coming on waiver claims from 
other teams; the sixth, Chris Gomez, is à 
journeyman backup infielder. 
In-season prognosis: Chalk up another 
losing season, the 16th in a row, which 
id equal the big-league record held 
by the Philadelphia Phillies between 
1033 and 1948, The Pirates have qual- 
ity young arms but have done nothing 
to supplement their struggling offense, 
Oh, to be young: LHP lom Gorzel- 


anny, 95, went 14-10 with a 3.88 
ERA last season. 


Arizona 

Last season: 90-79. First place, 

half a game ahead. The Dia- 
mondbacks swept the Cubs in the NLDS 
but were swept by the Rockies in the NL 
Championship Series. They won the divi- 
sion despite a 36-36 record against NL. 
West teams, thanks to dominating the NL. 
East (24-9). — (continued on page 130) 


еч. 


| COMPUTERS | 


“If compatibility is a problem, I think you'll find 
mé very user-friendly." 


Driven by the mainspring, 
{he estapement sels the balance 
Wheel in motion. 


The balance wheel 
divides time 
into equal intervals 


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balance spring maintains 
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balance wheel. 


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every 60 seconds 


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is by Longines. 

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Brooks Brothers. 


A watsh dresit just tell the Але, 
A gfi a Cot brad wär үйе ne 


WHY ITC T COSTS Always be suspicious when someone tries to sell you something out of a 
briefcase. A fake may resemble the real thing, but there is a reason fine watches fetch prices to rival the GDP of a small 
nation. Leaving aside the countless hours of handcraftsmanship, the components’ materials make a genuine difference. 
The best watches are fashioned from rust-resistant metals immune to magnetism and temperature fluctuations. 


ЕД 


Tassen di унй 


TOPROW: 
ORIS Artelier Pointer Day ($1475). 
MIDDLE ROW, FROM LEFT: 
~ IWC Pilot Chronograph (815,700), TIMEX Retrog 
ЗА BAUME & MERCIER Classima Automatic ($1,795). 
BOTTOM ROW, FROM LEFT: 
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The shoes SELF [ QUARTZ? Choosing 


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carefree alternative, 
E tch Indu 


96 


FOUR STEPS 
OF A SHOE 


Before construction can The leather is pulled over 


begin, a wooden. {he last and nailed into place in 
st dictates the form each preparation for the sole. 
shoe will take 


Once the final touches 
are added, the last Б 
carefully sipped out of the 
completed shoe. 


Details are added, 
the leather is stitched 
ogelher, and the shoe 

begins to appear 


Fashion Harte fm the, quid up 


Looking good is not sufficient consolation for pinched skin or crushed toes. All shoes 
are designed around a wooden model of the human foot, called a last, and the shape of the last (there are many versions) 
affects how a shoe feels on your foot. During the construction process the leather is wrapped tightly around the last, but you 
should give your foot more room to move: The inside tip of a shoe should leave half an inch of space beyond your toes. 


TOP ROW, FROM LEFT: 


COLE HAAN split toe ($198), HARRYS 


OF LONDON rubber-soled wingtip ($450). 


FROM LEFT: 


J.M. WESTON wingtip ($495), GIORGIO BRUTINI 


cap toe ($85), JOHNSTON & MURPHY 
oxford ($198). 


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polish, too, Creams nourish the leather for an 
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a hard call. Let your surroundings decide for 
you. Rubber, with its practicality, can be fine 
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fortable and longer lasting than leather. But 
if you're headed to a formal occasion, your 
ensemble should reflect that from the ground 


As 
your suits become lighter for spring and sum- 
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and gray. The darker the brown, the more 
options you have. The basic rule: As long as 
your footwear is darker than your pants, the 


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There are three basic knots—think of them as small, medium and large. 


Your collar type dictates the one to wear. The hulkiest is a full Windsor, a fist-size knot often seen around the neck of Diddy. 
The Windsor and its little brother, the half Windsor, are both well suited to a spread-collar shirt able to showcase the knot's 
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WHERE ANO HON TO BUY ON PAGE л. 


i-and-brown neat by BROOKS 
gold-and-blue neat by DUNHILL 
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SOLIDS VS. PATTERNS It's time to step 
beyond the solid power tie. What was once a 
bold statement can now seem bland. Multi- 
color neckwear offers more room for expres- 
sion when matched with a shirt and pocket. 
square. At about three and a half inches wide, 
the ties above measure a little narrower than in 
recent years and echo traditional rep (diagonal. 


NECKWEAR AND TEAR Like a shirt or 
suit, every tie will eventually lose the crisp- 
ness in its construction. But unlike those other 
items, a tie shouldn't be ironed. A quick steam 
is a good solution. Don't have a steamer? Just. 
hang the tie in the bathroom while you take a 
shower. Afterward, drape it on your tie rack or, 
if you're traveling, neatly coil and stow it inside 


CAN YOU CLEAN A TIE? China's terra-cotta 
warriors, the legionnaires depicted on Trajan's 
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days gravy, not blood, poses the most peril to 
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services, but these treatments tend to leave the 
tie flat and lifeless. The best alternative is blot- 


* * * * * X X 


en n 
, scorn and scandal 


Emm 
5 
Н um | ім Laura Kipnis 
А ан EMI £ 
the flecks of foam in the corners of their 
mouth when the subject turns to the lat- 
il Clinton uses ендік bor they 
do, yet they're often strangely drawn to 
her, in some inexplicably intimate way. 
She occupies their attention. They spend 
AERE UNSER ER NR 
ating her character flaws, dissecting her 
motives, analyzing her physical shortcom- 
ings with a penetrating clinical eye: those 
thick ankles and dumpy hips, the ever- 
changing hairdos. You'd think they were 
йаша эон ей гї UE DS 
same overinvested quality, an edge of spite, 
some ancient wound not yet repaired. And 
ow they love conjecturing on her sexual- 
ity—or lack of, heh heh. Is she frigid, is 
she gay? Heh heh. Yes, they have many 
theories about her, complete with detailed 
forensic analyses of her marriage, probably 
more detailed than of their own. 
Му point is you can tell a lot about a 
man by what he thinks about Hillary Clin- 
ton. Maybe even oreryihing Shes nat joat 


ILLUSTRATION BY DANEL ADEL 


* * * 


a presidential candidate; she's a sophisticated 
diagnostic instrument for calibrating male 
anxiety, which seems to be running high at 
the moment, and understandably, given that 
the whole male-female who-runs-the-workl 
question is pretty much up for grabs. Face 
it, the possibility ofa woman in the White 
House creates a certain frisson—how could 
it not? The historic distribution of power 
between the sexes is being entirely revamped, 
power is a vastly complicated subject, and the 
male psyche has to be feeling a bit embattled. 
Change hurts, los rankles. So defenses are 
mounted, which—as any human with the 
usual repertoire of human emotions knows— 
can take various and wily forms. 

Let me pause here to confess T'm not much 
of a Hillary fan myself. I don’t like her poli- 
tics, and her speeches put me to sleep (unlike 
Obama, who is both enticingly vague on sub- 
stance and electrifying to watch). 1 wouldn't 


* * 


arms of the GOP (the party that understands 
а guy's needs and fears). Or, as it turns out, 
skittering toward Obama. Meaning that the 
upcoming months will also be a fascinating 
reality check because, despite all the platitudes 
about “gender progress” and “how far women 
have come" and soon, a certain level of inexo- 
rable anxiety between the sexes persists, which 
will be on ful display, and the spectacle should 
be quite riveting The problem is that it's far 
less permissible to discuss any of this openly, 
precisely because of all the progress. We're 
too enlightened to debate whether a woman 
shaudd be president—that would be antiquated 
and discriminatory. Instead, all such qualms 
will be displaced onto other matters entirely. 
Because that's how anxiety works. 

Түс enlisted as our tour guides into these 
subterranean thickets a selection of Hillary's 
right-wing biographers to lead the way, more 
specifically a selection of those obsessed 


* * * 


ora domestic arrangement. As Leon Edel, 
Henry James's biographer, recounted, “The 
two of us lived together for many years." For 
Thoreau biographer Richard Lebeaux, not 
only was the book like a marriage, it wasn’t 
always the smoothest of marriages, either, 
“not without some stormy arguments, sepa- 
rations and passionate reconciliations.” 

The marriage comparison is especially apro- 
Pes in Hillary's case. For one thing the inescap- 
able fact about Hillary is that she herself is a 
woman in an exceedingly complicated relation- 
ship with the most lamboyantly complicated 
man in America, and what American hasn't 
devoted at least a bit of stray psychical energy 
to pondering the mysteries ofthe Clinton mar- 
riage? Thus for any Hillary biographer certain 
amount of triangulation, always an intensified 
form of intimacy, comes with the territory (see 
under: Freud). As we'll see, the emotionality 
does run high in these books—stormy argu- 


Despite all the platitudes about “gender 
progress” and “how far women have 
come,” a certain level of inexorable 
anxiety between the sexes persists. 


say l'm a full-fledged Hillaryphobe—and yes, 
female Hillaryphobia certainly exists, though 
I believe women hate her for a different set 
of reasons and thus deserve their own sepa- 
rate but equal article (which maybe one day 
ТЇЇ get to). The problem is I don't find her 
fascinating, which makes me all the more 
fascinated by the passion of the guys who get 
so heated up about her. Now obviously the 
Hillary haters will assure you they don’t hate 
Hillary because she's а woman—they re not 
Neanderthals!—they just hare her because 
she's Hillary. By attacking her, they're just 
refusing to kowtow to political correctness. 
They'd be fine with another woman presi- 
dential candidate, particularly one who's 
not going to run, like Condi, 

Despite the reassurances, you have to sus- 
pect there's more to it than that. Hillary's 
ascendancy—to the ticket or ultimately the 
presidency—will he proportional to how much 
she agitates men (however much they reas- 
sure you they're beyond all that). Meaning 
that the rights strategy, obviously, will be to 
ratchet up the apprehension levels, spinning 
anxiety into political capital and sending skit- 
tery male voters fleeing into the welcoming 


* * * 


enough to write entire books about a woman 
they detest while still being lucid enough to 
find a commercial publisher. Unfortunately, 
this excludes self-published works like Hil- 
lary Clinton Nude: Naked Ambition, Hillary 
Clinton and America's Demise by Sheldon 
Filger, but even the painfully repetitious 
title screamed for the interventions of a 
professional editor, and life is short. 

Any biography, even a bad one, is the 
record of a relationship. That's the nature 
of the biographical enterprise. ts a two-way 
street, meaning that a level of interpersonal 
complication invariably comes with the ter- 
ritory, if not always fully consciously. It was 
frequently said about Carl Bernstein's recent 
Woman in Charge that one of the strengths of 
his portrait of Hillary was that, having been a 
well-known philanderer during his marriage 
to Nora Ephron (hilariously and painfully 
detailed in her recipe-laden roman à clef, 
Heartburn), he had an instinctive under- 
standing of the terrain. Did he know this 
himself? Not entirely clear. But biographers 
do occasionally admit to the intricacies that 
can arise between author and subject: Its like 
a love affair or sometimes а love-hate affair 


* * 


ments, passionate reconciliations, litanies of 
accusations of the type you frequently hear in. 
couples with unhealthy levels of attachment. 
In other words, you learn as much about the 
authors themselves as about Hillary, possibly 
more. These are men with zesty imaginations, 
complicated inner lives and, you infer, often 
rather mixed feelings about the female body 
itself. It becomes clear that some far more 
baroque form of anxiety is in play. 

But.. what, exactly? Lets turn to R. Emmett 
Tyrrell Je, author of Madame Hillery: The Dark 
Roal to che White House, since if Hillary's biog- 
rapher foes tend to sound like embittered ex- 
husbands, in Tyrrell we're lucky enough to 
have a biographer who has also occasionally 
mused in print about his real-life ex-wife. And 
speaking of triangulation, Tyrrell, founder and 
editor in chief of the far-right American Spec- 
tator, also has a long history with both Clin- 
tons: The Spectator was home to the infamous 
Arkansas Project, funded by weird billionaire 
Richard Mellon Scaife to the tune ofa couple 
million dollars to dig up damaging info on 
Bill and Hillary's past, especially the murders 
and drug running. (Hillary's infamous ref- 
erence to “avast — (continued оп page 126) 


* * * 


| 
(6593 


“П says, You will enjoy fantastic sex with your dinner partner tonight.” 


103 


104 


the 


omen о PUTIN'S 


uring the Cold War Russia was portrayed as а drab, joyless place where a drunken 

populace waited in line for stale bread and tried to avoid arrest by the secret police. 

| for complaining. It wasn't all capitalist propaganda Russia really was a drab, joy- 

less place. Then the Soviet Union broke up and we merrily peppered our cocktail 
^ chatter with imported buzzwords. Sadly, those seductive wenches glasnost and 
perestroika are now dead. It's increasingly clear that Russia's new boss, Wladimir Putin, has a lot in 
common with many of the country's old bosses. (But honestly, can there ever be another Stalin?) 
Time magazine's Person of the Year 2007 profile of the man our president calls Pootie-Poot was 
aptly titled “А Tsar Is Bom." But enough politics. Better to turn to Russia's best asset: its women. If 
the beauties here don't brighten your outlook on the future, you're hopeless. Or Russian. 


Russians cherish their dachas, or 
second homes. Like EKATERINA 
ENKO (above), we could all 
use a place to unwind. Unlax. De- 
stress. Undiess? Be oui quest. 
1s Russia the birthplace of red har? 
In the fifth century 8.0, Herodotus 
descilbed the Budini, o people on the 
Volga River, as blue-eyed redheads, 
‘Somehow we doubt they looked like 
ALENA SKUBIY (opposite) 


OXANA AREFIEVA. 


JULIA KONGHAERKAEVA, 


« e from left) ore known foi пеп sense of humor, 
and you'd better ha. han Yakov Smirnoff If you want fo 
impress MONIN on by obsuic 

Great success! VARIA ‘he largest city In 
Kazakhstan. k 
means "rich with op 

In some Ameri s 
ou with а birch broom. 


Sounds delightful, but we'd piefer fub time with OLGA KURBATO: 
t ident that we shot NATALY PAVLENKO In an Austin Powers 
ingin chick for the тшу. Got mojo? Fing—but 

y to her heart is through good music and a perfect martini. 


Bi он VNIN 


(Clockwise from above) MARINA BEL isa child 
of the former Belorussian Soviet Socialist Republic 
today the Republic of Belarus. When you look into her 
eyes I's cleai Marina is nof one lo Minsk words 
Russia is Incono Khabarovsk, birthplace 


а s al 135 degrees longitude, 
seven time zones away from Moscow. As the nation's 
capital sits down for lunch, the ladies of Khabarovsk are 


already enjoying their sunset skinny-dip 
5 English probably beats your 
Russian, but she also specks the international language 
of beautiful babes: puppies! She loves pupples. I you 
gotoct 

Spossky. Karpov. Kasparov, Could H 
be Russo's next chess whiz? She can take two 

pawns at once, and only a fool would try to stop her. 


PLAYBOY 


114 


MOAB ынышт 


There was a noise. The man's eyes opened wide and he 
went down in front of me like an armful of laundry. 


yourself and stop looking for big magi- 
cal change. Change is everywhere wait- 
ing; you can't stop it. You don't have 
to run into the street and call out for it 
like a taxi, You'll get run ove 

I liked the women in the bar. There 
was energy there that would go on 
all night. Á couple even asked me to 
dance, grabbing my shoulder first 
and then putting their faces up close 
laughing and let's go partner, but 
I smiled and nodded at my drink, 
indicating my priorities, and they 
said things like, you're missing out 
on some very fine wild women, and 
1 would have laughed at that, but I 
didn't have a laugh left 

When there was a chance, I slid 
down the bar in the Canyon Сіш 
bringing along all my glassware and 
the ashtray, for smoking was required 
in there. I went five stools and pulled 
up next to the guy and said howd 
sliding him the clicker, and he said 
directly to me, “You should sit away 
from me, partner." I looked back the 
way I'd come and every seat was filled 
with a woman or two now, their hands 
out for the barkeeper and so I was 
trapped there. I had thought we'd 
watch the ball game in the womi 
party, but I had made a mistake, so 
1 just stared up at the screen, It was 
easier to see the television now, not 
being directly over my head. It was a 
one-sided game, something you hate 
to see when you need company, but 
at least it was something. I felt empty 
again and sort of out of gas there 

After a minute, he spoke again 
“Can I buy you a drink?” And he got 
the barman's sleeve and we had 
another round right there. He was 
drinking gin and tonic and there was 
a line of lemon slices on the bar, six 
of the things. Then he went on, 
“Where you from?” I told him and 
he said, “I just come over from Vegas 
tonight.” T looked at him and he was 
neither young nor old, and he 
needed a haircut and there was a line 
of sweat up over his forehead. He 
was warm from the drinks but I could 
make out a big hangover in his face, 
deeply, something you don't wash 
off. There was the varnish of booze 
on him too, something at the time I 
didn’t think was too bad. 

"These women are something, 
said. "You ever deer hun 

He looked at me with a stricken 
look, and I saw he didn't know what. 


1 was talking about. I don't know 
why I said that about hunting. I had 
been out with my dad years before 
and I had one deer-hunting story. It 
just scemed like something to say. 
was trying to come up with a com- 
ment about the baseball game next, 
when he said, "You want to help me 
with something?” I said I would try, 
and then he didn't move for five or 
10 minutes. The pretzel baskets w 
about worn out on that bar, but I got 
hold of one and ate a few of the stick 
pretzels, and finally a woman came 
up and took us both by the shoul- 
ders and said, “You boys are going to 
dance right now, whether you favor 
it or not.” 

He looked at her and I saw his bright 
drunk eyes clearly two miles gone and. 
he smiled, and he said, “Lady, we are 
going to. We will be right back." He 
tapped his hand on the bar and told 
the barman, "Another round. Well 
be back.” He turned on the seat and 
found his feet and I followed him 
through the noisy room, a forest of 
women, through the tiny vestibule of 
the Canyon Club and out the paned 
door into the night. The air seized my 
neck instantly; fall was here double. It 
had been warm in there and this was 
а mean cold. I walked with him over 
to а blue Ranchero, a car that looks 
like a truck, and he leaned against it 
and started fishing in his pocket. His 
trousers were the ones that come with 
horizontal pockets and a belt built 
in, and I thought he was reaching 
for a cigarette so I offered him one 
of mine, but he said no. While I was 
lighting up, he said, "Look at this,” 
and he squirmed a little pistol from 
his pants, a shiny silver .38 caliber, 
brand-new it looked. 

I didn't have much for that, so I 
said, "Yeah, well." He was cold now, I 
could see and his face had plated up 
in pieces. 

“I was going to rob that place.” 

"The hell you say." I said. 

“Yeah, 1 saw it driving through town 
this evening and went all the way up to 
the river and back looking for another 
but no, this was going to be it, up here 
by the hill all alone.” 

Га never been in such a conversation 
before. "And those women surprised 
you?” I said. “They sure surprised me. 
T just wanted a few drinks.” 

“Those women are just having fun,” he 
said. “They came in like a stampede. 


7Maybe saved some trouble,” I said. 
“Probably,” he said. 

id you ever have some small thing 
you knew you could do, but you 
couldn't do it alone? I mean some deal 
where a little company might make it 


1 that way about making my 
7 Ltold him. It was true some days. 
"Right," he said. "Here; 
Now he reached in the change 
pocket of those trousers and fingered 
out a business card and handed it to 
27 he said. "If anybody 


“Okay,” I said. I couldn't read it in 
the dark. How much can a business card 
weigh, part of an ounce? I can’t see the 
future, though I'm better with it now 
than I ever was, but I knew that card 
was trouble and it felt heavy as a book. 

The man pushed the pistol back 
into his pocket, keeping his hand 
there, and then there was a noise like 
someone hitting a car trunk with a 
hammer and the man’s eyes opened 
wide and he went down in front of me 
like an armful of laundry. 

T knelt and he was all blood in my 
hands, and I didn't even try to find the 
injury. 1 went back into the Canyon 
Club and told the barman what had 
happened and he called the police 

T was not in trouble with the police, 
and so I stayed, and it was strange 
because 1 was alone out in the park- 
ing lot with two kitchen hands. ‘The 
women never came out and made a 
scene or like that. They didn't even 
know what had happened. 

He had shot himself fatally in that 
artery in the leg and he was dead. 
The one policeman who interviewed 
me asked if he had shot himself and 1 
said as far as I could tell. I told them 
the whole story as well as I could. I 
showed him the business card and he 
took it, and I told him I was going 
to need it hack. I've often wondered 
about wanting it back. Like 1 should 
have it or something. He wrote down 
the information and then handed me 
the card again, and it was still heavy. 

On the card was just his name, which, 
1 won't put here, and his business 
address and information in Las Vegas. 
When I called the number, it had been 
disconnected. When I was in Las Vegas 
the following year, I didn’t go by the 
address. I still have the card. 

Places have magic, I believe. We 
claim the magic by acting decently or 
with good purpose. The Canyon Club 
is long gone and so is the man I met 
and so is the man that I was. Moab is 
a beautiful and severe place and in the 
years since, as I travel through I pay 
attention and work to get it back. 


“Very nice, Miss Red Feather, but we were looking for 
а rain dance, not a lap dance!” 


PLAYBOY 


116 


BOB SAGET 


(continued from page 69) 
freedom of speech, but I'm not a big Tan 
of freedom of action. I don't want to see 
any of the things I talk about in my act 
manifested in live action. That would be a 
snuff film, I guess. I don't really care for 
snuff films. The only thing I like about 
snuff is that it’s all done in one take. You 
shoot a scene, and then everybody can 
go home. See, I have no problem mak- 
ing a joke like that, but I'd never actually 
want to watch a snuff film. I can't look 
acts of cruelty. And I don't enjoy 
ng people sell-mutilate. 


Qo 
PLAYBOY: We take it you're not a big fan 
of Jackass? 
SAGET: I think those guys are really funny, 
but I can't watch it. I have a Jewish 
mother in me, I worry too much about 
Steve-O and Johnny Knoxville to enjoy 
the humor of it, I don't want to see them 
get hurt, Remember that episode when 
Johnny was locked in an outhouse full of 
shit, and they rolled it down a hill? ЛИ I 
could think was, Can't he die that way? 
1 can't look at anything involving bodily 
fluids or anything fecal 


PLAYBOY: We've all heard sexual euphe- 
misms like rusty trombone and hot Carl and 
Cleveland steamer, Would you invent some 
new dirty slang for us? 

SAGET: Frowning salmon. That's what 
your penis looks like when you're 
being taken out of any kind of surgery 
It could also be the smiling salmon, 
depending on your perspective. The 
hole at the end of your penis—which, 
if I'm not mistaken, is called the ure- 
thra—can look like either a smile or a 
frown. If your penis is frowning and 
you want to turn that frown upside 
down, you could always take a Sharpie 
marker and, much like a puppeteer, 
draw a happy face on it 


98 
raynox: In The Aristocrats you tell a graphic 
version of the Aristocrats joke, then scold 
yourself for going too far. Is that a pretty 
good reflection of how your brain work: 
sacer: Yes, that’s exactly it. I’m like the 
10-year-old kid who pulls down his 
aunt's pants in the parking lot and then 
everybody laughs and he feels guilty for 
doing it and apologizes. I'm my own 
worst critic, which goes along nicely with 
my self-loathing. When I say something 
terrible and somebody says “That's not 
funny,” ГЇ always apologize and feel bad 
about it. But then a few seconds later ГЇ 
crack up and think of nine more horrible 
things to embellish the joke. I just don't 
know when to shut up. 


99 

PLAYBOY: As the longtime ће 
Funniest Home Videos, you've seen it all. 
What is the funniest way a person can 
endure pain? 

SAGET: The best funny videos have 
happy ending. If you're watching a guy 
fall into a manhole, your first instinct is 
to laugh, but then you worry he may be 
hurt. If he crawls out of the manhole, 
you get a bigger laugh because he’s not 
dead. If he's dead, you should probably 
call 911. In fact, you definitely should. If 
he crawls out, laugh your ass off 


910 

PLAYBOY: Since you brought it up, let's 
bout interspecies romance and your 
now infamous joke song "My Dog Licked 
My Balls." What inspired you to write 
those lyrics, other than the obvious? 
sacer: Well, obviously it was my dog lick- 
ng my balls. I would like to state for the 
record that he made the first move. I'm 
kind of the innocent one here. My dog 
Allen, who has since passed away, was a 
King Charles spaniel. He became very 
ill with prostate cancer, and ironically, at 
the same time my dad had some cancer 
on his nose. I started to get suspicious 
when my father would come over and 


Allen would run out of the room. So 1 
put two and two together. I accused my 
dad of sticking his nose up my dog's ass. 
He denied it, of course. 


911 

тлувоу. Speaking of animal sex, your 
last directorial effort, Farce of the Penguins, 
was a pseudodocumentary about pen- 
guins trying to get laid. Do you consider 
it a sex romp or a love stor 
SAGET: It’s a love story. It’s about mar- 
riage and true friendship and how love 
can conquer all. Tracy Morgan's charac- 
ter really sums it up best: “It takes a big 
man to forgive his friend айег he busts 
his woman's booty hole open.” That line 
was all Tracy. I did not write “busts his 
woman's booty hole open." The exact 
dialogue was “accidentally fucks your 
girlfriend in the ass.” Tracy cleaned it 
up and made it smarter 


Q12 

PLAYBOY: You were a contestant on The 
Dating Game in 1979 and were even 
picked as the winning bachelor. Is it 
fe to assume you didn't say something 
wildly offensive? 

SAGET: I was actually on The Dating 
Game twice. 1 lost the first time, prob- 
ably because I told the lady I wanted to 
fill a sock with meat and have her beat 
me with it. I'm not making this up. She 
didn't vote for me. She voted for the guy 
who was the most normal of the group. 
1 did a lot better the second time, but 
1 already had a girlfriend, which was 
kind of awkward. The girl who picked 
me just assumed I was available, We won 
а romantic vacation to Guatemala, but a 
week later they had a civil war there and 
soldiers were opening fire on people as 
they got off the plane. 


parnoy: You're a divorced man. Do you 
play the field, or have you given up on 
the dating scene? 


WELL, LETS SEE, 
MAYBE 175 POSSIBLE. 
YOU LOOK REALLY 

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118 


sacer: I have a girlfriend, so I don't date 
anymore. I love women very much, and 
they are my biggest problem. I'm very con- 
fused by them. I desire them in inappro- 
priate ways. I have a strong attraction to 
the GPS voice in my car. I'm hoping to talk 
my girlfriend into a thr Is that 
even possible? I just fantasize about her 
saying “Make a Гей” before her voice be- 
comes mullled. I guess what Pm trying to 
say is I want to mouth-rape the GPS lady. 


Q14 

PLAYBOY. You had to reschedule this inter- 
view because of your colonoscopy. We 
would be remiss if we didn't ask if you 
received a clean bill of health 

SAGET: I don't have cancer of the ass. Im 
52 now, and my daughter told me it was 
time to go to the butt doctor. I went to 
the butt doctor and he said, “That’s not 
a very nice thing to call me. Nobody goes 
10 medical school hoping people will call 
him a butt doctor." I don't know if you've 
ever had a colonoscopy, but they basically 
drug you and knock you out so you can 
take a crap, which is how I spend most 
of my lile anyway. Everything is fine, and 
1 don't have to see the butt doctor again 
for another five years. It's kind of like 
doing a comedy special. You just come 
back with all new stuff in your bowels. 


915 
PLAYBOY. You've said your late father was 
one of your biggest influences. What did 
he teach you about comedy? 
sacer He was just nuts, and he knew how 
to make us laugh during times of trouble. 
I remember one morning as a kid I didn't 


want to go to school, and I was in a ter- 
rible mood about it. So my dad, just to 
make me laugh, put on a jacket and tie 
and underpants and black socks and shoes 
and walked out the door. He said good- 
bye to the family, picked up his keys and 
briefcase and walked straight out the front 
door. I'm glad he remembered his keys. 
That would've been a rough lockout. I 
was impressed with how he could see the 
humor in anything. We've had a lot of trag- 
edly in our family, but he was always able to 
have that Cheshire cat grin on his face. 


915 

PLAYBOY: Is comedy а coping mechanism 
for you? Do you tell jokes to shelter your- 
self from pain? 

SAGET: Sometimes, yeah, I guess it is. It 
definitely has been when Гуе lost people 
close to me. My dad's funeral was a laugh 
riot. 1 wish I had another dad so I could 
bury him, too. [t was so much fun. At the 
funeral I gave a speech, kind of a send- 
off to my dad, and my friend Brad intro- 
duced me. He said, "On Ben's last day on 
earth" —Ben is my father's name—"he was 
watching Bob's movie Farce of the Penguins 
And Ben's last words were “For the love 
of God, somebody turn this off!" Then 
I went up and said, “I knew my movie 
killed, but I had no idea to what extent.” 


917 
PLAYBOY: You've claimed your daughters 
enjoy your sense of humor. Is that true, 
or do they just tolerate it? 
sacer. I think it's a lile bit of both. Unlike 
me, my daughters are really savvy and 
smart. They rarely curse, and they re not 


“No, no, Senator—he said you are a master debater!” 


dirty at all. I've installed infrared cameras 
to try to catch them in the act. They never 
judge me for anything I say onstage, even 
when it embarrasses them. I'm the only 
hypocrite in the family. Sometimes if I 
hear them cursing, ГЇЇ say something like 
“Please don't use words like that.” I really 
do want to be a good parent, but I know 
it's a double-edged sword, How can I tell 
them to watch their language onc minute, 
and the next minute I'm onstage talking 
about diarrhea and prison sex? 


918 

тлувох Legend has it that after the birth 
of your daughter you told a comedian 
friend he could “finger her for a dollar." 
You didn't really say that, did you? 
SAGET: 1 can't lie and say it didn’t happen. 
The thing is, it was a very traumatic birth, 
and we almost lost my She was in 
intensive care the entire time, Paul Provenza, 
who directed The Aristocrats, came to visit me 
in the hospital. I was holding my baby, and 
1 hadn't slept and Га been crying for four 
days. So obviously I wasn't thinking clearly 
and... [sighs deeply] I've said things I wish 1 
could do over, and this would be at the top 
ofthe list. I guess the only thing I can say in 
my defense is I should ve asked for more 
than a dollar. It should've been at least five 
bucks. This is my daughter, for God's sake, 


Q19 

тлуво. Most of your fans are college 
kids. Do you feel like the wise elder or 
the male equivalent of a MILF? 

f Oh, I'm definitely a DILE At least 1 
Lam. I'm a wannabe DILE PI do a 
college show and thousands of kids will be 
there, and the girls will flash me their tits. 
Then TIl show them mine because my man 
boobs are coming in pretty good this year. 
Tim just getting a lot of positiveness from 
my audiences that I dont take lightly. I've 
been through so many ebbs and flows in 
my career; when an audience gives me any 
sort of positive reaction I just want to Пије 
"em. I want to fluff my audience. Actually, 
no, that’s not true. I know where they've 
been. Г can smell them from the stage. 


Q20 
тлувоу. People either love you or hate 
you. Does that bother you, or is it better 
io be hated than ignored? 

SAGET: I try to keep the negative out of my 
life. I'm already hard enough on myself 
But I'm always curious about why people 
dislike me. I could have 10,000 people 
love me, but if just two people say "He 
sucks,” I can get obsessive. How do I suck, 
exactly? I honestly want to know. When 
1 was a kid my mom used to say to me, 
“You know, not everybody in the world is 
going to like you.” And Ға just look at her 
and say, “Yeah, but I need names 


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PLAYBOY 


120 


CHRIS FARLEY 


(continued fmm page 56) 
loved him. It was a great meeting. Пе 
said yes before we got up from the table, 
and he wrote it for Chris. To this day I 
know it would have changed his career. 
TOM rARLEY: As soon as he heard little 
bits and pieces about Arbuckle's life, ће 
said, “This is me." It was the whole idea 
that nobody understands the real person 
underneath. “I'm going to tell them about 
the real Fatty Arbuckle, and maybe they'll 
understand the real Chris Farley." 

ERICH "MANCOW” MULLER, friend and shock 
jock: Chris had all these pictures of clowns 
in his hallway: He said that they frightened 
and fascinated him and that he found 
them sad. When he was drinking he would 
always talk like Burl Ives and sing old Burl 
Ives songs. He'd go, “A little bitty tear 
let me down, spoiled my act as a clown.” 


He'd sing that over and over and over. 
FATHER TOM GANNON, SJ. friend: Не felt his 
carcer was in trouble and not just because 
of the drugs. Sometime that year he told 
me, “I can't keep this up. I can't keep falling 
down and walking into walls.” But people 
wanted him to keep doing the same thing 
because it assured them financial success. 
BRIAN DENNEHY, co-star Tommy Boy: Myself, 
T never understood why you'd want to be 
the 20th-best dramatic actor in the movie 
business when you were already the best 
comedian in the movie business. But there 
is this impulse that comedians have to do 
serious work. Interestingly enough, I think 
with the right part and the right director 
Chris could have done it. There was a sad- 
ness and a vulnerability and a fear that 
existed in his face and in his eyes. 

‘There are two ways to act, and some 
people are good enough to do both. One 
is to erect this very complicated, layered 


“Told you ТА be able to attract attention!" 


character around you in order to hide 
behind it, in order to disguise and pro- 
tect yourself. It’s a kind of architecture. 
The other way to act is to absolutely strip 
away everything that keeps you and your 
soul and your mind from the audience, 
You rip it away and say, “How much 
more of myself can I expose to help the 
audience understand this character?” It's 
more difficult, and it’s more profound 
because ultimately the real challenge of 
art is to understand more about your- 
self. And I think Chris could have done 
it. I think he would have done it, had he 
lived. But most comedians, in fact most 
actors, are not capable of that, 


With Tommy Boy, Black Sheep and Beverly 
Hills Ninja, Chris had joined the ranks of elite 
Hollywood stars who could "open" a film—a 
certain core audience could be counted on to 
turn out for any Chris Farley movie, Even if 
Chris wasn't thrilled with the reigning defini- 
tion of “a Chris Farley movie,” it was an envi- 
able place to be and à strong place from which 
to make a bold, smart career move. 

But that spring Chris's dance card was 
strangely empty. As a rule, studios take out 
short-term insurance policies on their lead 
actors to cover any possible interruptions in 
the production process. Many of those insur- 
m refusing to underwrite Chris's films 
until he could once again prove his depend- 
ability. And so, while the Arbuckle project 
plodded along at the glacial pace of most 
Hollywood development deals, Chris was 
having trouble getting even a typical Chris 
Farley movie off the ground. 

In this troubled time one good project 
did come his way, a voice-over gig for a 
little animated movie called Shrek. In 1997 
computer-animated movies were still in their 
mfancy— Ріхағ^ trendsetting Toy Story had 
opened only 18 months before—so there was 
little reason to believe this fun sideline project 
would go on to spawn one of the most popular, 
highest-grossing film franchises of all time. 
Chris took it on almost as а lark. 

Jeffrey Katzenberg, head of DreamWorks 
Animation, had procured the film rights to 
Shrek, a popular children’s book by William 
Steig. Chris was his first choice to play the title 
role. According to everyone involved, Chris 
Farley's Shrek was one of the funniest, most 
hearifelt performances he ever gave. Tragi- 
cally, no one has ever heard it 


TERRY ROSSIO, screenwriter, Shrek: Chris was 
the number one choice, and everyone 
was thrilled that he agreed to the proj- 
ect. For an animated feature, his voice 
was perfect, very distinctive, Also, you 
know, Shrek kind of looked like Farley, 
or Farley looked like Shrek. 

The recording sessions were essen- 
tially everybody in the booth rolling off 
our chairs onto the floor, laughing our 
asses off. I brought my daughter, who 
was 12 years old at the time, to one of 
the sessions at the Capitol Records build- 
ing. It was her first time ever coming in 


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PLAYBOY 


122 


with me to work, and she concluded I 
had the best job in the world, listening 
10 funny people be funny. 

ANDREW ADAMSON, director, Shrek: The char- 
acter of Shrek is to some degree rebel- 
ling against his own vulnerabilities. And 
I think that’s probably a reason Katzen- 
berg went to Chris, because there was an 
aspect of that in him, covering vulner- 
ability in humor and keeping people at 
arm's length. Within minutes of meeting 
Chris you saw his vulnerability. Some- 
times he would switch on this very gruff 
persona, and you realized it was because 
he felt like he was exposing too much. 

It didn't make the final film, but at one 
stage there was a moment in the script 
where Shrek was walking along, singing 
Hin’ Simon and Garfunkel's 
59h Street Bridge Song." Chris was 
just so into it. When we were record- 
ing, I kind of got the impression that he 
wasn't sure whether he was supposed to 
be doing a comedic take on the song or 
а sincere, heartfelt one. He was sing- 
ing and putting himself out there in a 
way that was very touching. It made me 
see the longing in him to do something 
more genuine with his career. It made 
me feel bad because we were in fact ask- 
ing for a “funny” version. But that he 
was willing to give it to us, even though 
he felt so vulnerable about it, made it a 
very sad and touching moment. 

TERRY ROSSIO: We spoke about the essence 
or wellspring of Chris's humor; much 
of it was the humor of discomfort. Не 
would occupy a space of discomfort until 
it became funny. Shrek, in the Chris Far- 
ley version of the story, was unhappy at 
his place in the world, unhappy to be cast 


as the villain. So for me, Chris's comedic 
persona was key to the creation of the 
Shrek character—a guy who rejected the 
world because the world rejected him. 
ANDREW ADAMSON: After Chris died, we all 
had personal thoughts about whether 
we could use his voice track and find 
someone to impersonate him to finish 
the film. We definitely thought about 
whether that was the appropriate thing 
10 do, but ultimately we felt we weren't 
far enough along in developing the ste 
and the character. The animation process 
depends a lot on the actor. His death was 
quite devastating, both personally and to 
the process of creating the film. We spent 
almost a year banging our heads against 
the wall until Mike Myers was able to 
come on board. Chris's Shrek and Mike's 
Shrek are really two completely different 
characters, as much as Chris and Mike 
are two completely different peop! 
TERRY ROSSIO: They're both great in 
their own way. Mike created a very 
interesting character, a Shrek who has 
a sense of humor that's not that good 
but makes him happy. Chris's Shrek 
was born of frustration and self-doubt, 
an internal struggle between the cer- 
tainty of a good heart and the insecu- 
rity of not understanding things. 


By the time he finished voicing Shrek in early 
May, Chris's ability to maintain his sobriety had 
all but vanished. His relapses started coming 
randomly, suddenly and with alarming fre- 
quency. Chris, a devout Roman Catholic who 
attended mass several times а week, was rapidly 
being consumed by shame and guilt over lus 
inability to grapple with what he felt were griew- 


“In lieu of profits, our CFO has agreed to shake her booty for 
the board of directors.” 


‘ons sins committed in the throes of his disease. 
One of Chris's counselors described him as 
having the most severe addictive personality 
he'd ever seen—this in several decades of help- 
ing patients. As Chris surreudered his hold on 
sobriety, his compulsive overeating ran rampant 
aswell. Chris had fought a constant battle with 
his weight since childhood. Those who knew 
im well knew it was the bane of his existence. 
Given the severe health risks of obesity, Chris 
was doing almost as much damage to himself 
with food as he was with drugs and alcohol. 
After presenting at the Oscars on March 24 
Chris had returned to rehab in Alabama, emerg: 
ing sober to work on Shrek in April and early 
May. Following yet another relapse he returned 
to the outpatient program at Hazelden’s Chicago 
location on May 19. It accomplished little. June 
and July were spent in and mostly out of rehab, 
and by August the situation was catastrophic 
Chris's relationship with Lorri Bagli 
rocky and unstable in the best of times, was 
severely broken, It never ended, but the blow- 
outs got bigger and more explosive, and the 
separations grew longer and longer. Friends 
who were active in Chris's recovery, like Jil- 
lian Seely and Tim O'Malley, did their best 
to keep him on the straight and narrow, but 
their efforts were increasingly frustrated. Chris 
would either insulate himself from his friends 
in order to use or insulate himself in order nol 
to use. He had so removed himself from his 
usual social networks that many assumed he 
was simply off somewhere else, stone sober and 
hard at work. Chris had never let the trap- 
pings of fame and success put any distance 
between him and his loved ones. But addiction 
finally succeeded where fame could not, 


JOEL MURRAY, cast member, Second City: Тһе 
people who loved him didn't want him to 
drink, so he couldn't be with us anymore. 
Га invite him over to barbecues and өші 
out in LA, and I could tell he had a whole 
other thing going on. It wasn't a celebrity 
g-shot kind of thing; it was an “I gotta 
go do this stull that I don’t want to tell you 
about” kind of thing. He was the worst liar 
in the world, so he'd just kind of be evasive. 
Next thing you know, he's hanging out with 
nefarious types who just want to wind up 
the comedy toy, and that's never good. 
DAVID беле: There's no shortage of those 
sorts of people. I've talked to Aykroyd 
about Belushi, and it’s the same expe- 
rience. Friends you've known for thr 
days aren't friends I want to hang with. 
1 was working in TV, he was off doing 
his movies, and we'd just slowed down 
а little bit. It wasn't Lorri. That was 
done with, but we'd been a little bit on 
the outs, and because of that I got a 
lot of shit toward the end about "Why 
weren't you there for him?" But being 
that close, I dealt with it all the time. 
And in that situation, before the guy's 
dead, he's just kind of an asshole. Truth 
is, you get a junkie who's wasted all the 
time and moody and angry and trying 
10 knock you around, you say, "Okay, 
you go do that, and Pl be over here.” I 
think that’s understandabl 


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TED DONDANVILLE, friend and personal 
assistant: Chris never had any animos- 
ity toward Spade at all; he had just 
respected Spade's decision to walk away 
for a while, But after being all alone on 
Ninja and Edwards & Hunt [later titled 
Almost Heroes] Chris started to realize 
how much he needed his friend. It was 
like Mick Jagger after those first tw 
solo albums—maybe it was good to have 
Keith Richards around. 

TOM FARLEY: I always told Chris, "You 
love humor, but look around at the peo- 
ple you're with when you're doing these 
drugs. These people have no humor in 
their lives, You keep this up and you 
will end up surrounded by people who 
are not your friends." And that’s exactly 
what happened. 

NORM MACDONALD, cast member, SNL. 
Sometimes you'd see him with prosti- 
tutes. That was mostly at the very end, 
like when he hosted SNL [in October]. 
The amazing thing was how well he 
treated them. He really fell for them. 
He'd take them to dinner and treat 
them so sweetly, He'd treat them equal 
to any other person at the table. He'd 
introduce them to you as his girlfriend. 
ТІМ O'MALLEY, cast member, Second City 
Escorts and strippers are just part of the 
deal when you're lonely and lost. Its like 
phone sex, trying to reach out and talk to 
somebody. Every phone book has a hun- 
dred phone numbers in it; vou can always 
dig up someone to spend time with you. 

Î went into his apartment one night, 
and he said, “Yeah, I relapsed last night 
Thad a pizza, and I figured since Га 
relapsed on my Overeaters Anonymous 
program I'd have a bottle of scotch, and 
then I went to the Crazy Horse and I 
spent 11 grand. 

“Jesus, you were giving the gi 
а dance? 
Yeah, how'd you know?” 

Because I know how it goes. You were 
trying to get some girl to come home with 
you by overtipping her, and those girls 
don’t want anything but more money. 
First of all,” I told him, "separate your 
food program from your alcohol problem. 
Food's not going to kill you tonight.” 
KEVIN FARLEY: For Chris, by that point 
every relapse meant going all the way 
Some addicts will put a toc back in the 
water, but Chris would always dive back 
into the deep end. And that's what hap- 
pened when he went to Hawaii 
DAVIDSPADE: I was at the Mondrian in L-A., 
and Chris was there. He was doing an 
interview, and he had one of his sobriety 
bodyguards with him. It was kind of sad 
because I hadn't seen him in a while. Не 
came over to my table—the bodyguard 
let him come over alone for a bit—he 
came over and he said, "Nobody cares 
about anything but Tommy Boy. Can we dı 
another one? Can we do... something?" 

“OF course. There's always scripts 
they want us to do. I didn’t know if you 
wanted 10 do anything anymore." 


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128 


PLAYBOY 


“We gotta do it, because that’s the 
only one that matters.” 
"Okay," I said. “Let's find something.” 
‘Then these two cute girls came aver. They 
said, "Hey, come party with us, We're in 
town with Spanish PLavBoy.” Or something 
ridiculous like that. Chris said, "I can’t.” 
“Oh, c'mon,” they said. “Just come up 
to our room for a bi 
Chris looked at me. I said, 
you. I сап buy you about fiv 


ТІ cover for 
minutes." 


He took off and thesi thé bodyguard 
came over and said, “Where's Chris?” 

“He went to the bathroom." 

“Which bathroom?” 
here's one in the hotel. 
“You fucked this.” 
юггу” 

It was the wrong 

thing to do, I know. 
But we'd had a 
really nice moment 
together, and I liked 
that, It proved we 
were still close, could 
still be friends, and I 
wanted to help him 
out, But then they 
couldn't find Chris. 
Не disappeared, 
and it just turned. 
into chaos. 
KEVIN FARLEY: Us 
magazine was doing 
а big feature arti 
cle on him at the 
time, and Chris was 
spending his days 
with this reporter. 
Chris woke me up 
in the middle of the 
night and asked me 
if T wanted to come 
down and take a 
whirlpool with these 
girls he'd met. He'd 
already relapsed 
and started drink- 
ing. I said no and 
went back to bed. I 
figured he'd play in 
the Jacuzzi and then 
go up to his room 
and sleep it off, But 
1 got up the next morning and found out 
he'd relapsed hard, bought these girls 
plane tickets and gone to Hawaii. When 
that Us reporter showed up and there 
was no Chris, the shit hit the fan. Gurvitz 
[his manager] had to put that fire out. 

When I talked to Chris about it later, 
he didn’t even remember going to 
Hawaii, He just woke up there. But when 
he called Dad from Hawaii, Dad was like, 
“Hey, you're on vacation!” The level of 
denial at that point was just crazy. 
FATHER TOM GANNON: You cannot under- 
stand Chris Farley without grappling 
with the relationship between him and 
his father. That was the dominant force 


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day on the phone and was constantly 
trying to please him. And 1 think he 
did please him. But the family, which 
looked so normal on the outside, was 
terribly dysfunctional. 

ERIC NEWMAN, production associate, Tommy 
Boy: If you were a shrink, you could 
retire on that family. 

TOM ARNOLD, friend and actor: Even when 
he was 30 years old, Chris would literally 
at his dad's feet and tell him stories. 
1 don't think anything made him hap- 
pier than to sit at the foot of his dad's 
recliner and tell him stories about show 
ess, or food. 

here were a couple other times 
where I went with Chris to the Taste of 
Madison, which is this festival in the city 


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square where every three feet there's а 
booth of a different kind of food. All the 
conversations Chris had with his dad that 
weekend were just *Hey, did you have 
that pork chop on a stick?” “Yeah, that 
was good. Did you get some of this?” You 
know, they were surface conversations, 
the kind I would have with my dad, the 
kind that don't really go deep. Because if 
you get deep, it's pretty painful. 
HOLLY WORTELL cast member, Second Ci 
His dad was of a different generation. 
They didn't go to see “headshrinkers. 
Chris told me his father finally agreed 
to go with him to this weight-loss clinic 
once. They were sitting in a group ther- 
apy session, and everyone was going 


around the circle talking about their 
issues with food. His dad just stood up 
and said, “Let's go.” They got up and 
went outside, and his dad said, “We're 
not like these people. They've got prob- 
lems. That's not us. We're leaving.” 
FATHER TOM GANNON: They walked out, 
checked into a resort on an island off the 
coast of Florida, took out a room and 
proceeded to go on a binge together. 
With that kind of enabling, the kid didn’t 
stand a chance. The father was in denial, 
but in all fairness I don't think the broth- 
ers were straight with the father either. 
Dad knew about the drinking but not so 
much about the drugs. The father never 
accepted that Chris was a drug addict 
until the very end, even though the 
two of them talked 
ry day. So there 
was a lot of postur- 
ing going on. 

TOM ARNOLD. It's not 
his father’s fault, 
what happened to 
Chris. Is not. Chris 
had access to every 
tool in the world 
He went to the best 
treatment centers, 
had the best people 
being of service to 
him, reaching out 
to him, 

It's not like I 
didn't sit with him a 
dozen times where 
he looked me in the 
and knew what 
he had to do to stay 
sober. You can't 
blame your circum- 
stances, and after a 
certain point you 
can't even blame 
your father. You 
can't blame him; 
you have to have 
compassion for 
him. It all comes 
down to you, and 
you've got to be a 
man about it. 
ERICH "MANCOW" 
MULLER: That May 
Chris Rock was performing in Chicago. 
Farley called me and said, “I've broken 
out of prison. I'm out. I want to go see 
my boy Chris Rock!" Chris broke out of 
rehab to go to this show. I met him at 
his apartment, and I was begging 
not to drink. I was sitting there, going, 
“No. No, Chris. Please. 

He said, “Just a little splash.” That's 
how it started off, a Coke with a splash 
of whiskey—and I mean just a drop. 
‘Then an hour later it turned into a glass 
of whiskey with a splash of Coke. We 
went to the concert to meet Tim Mead- 
ows and his wife, and I spent the whole 
night fighting Chris. 
TIM MEADOWS, cast member, 


SNL: We went 


backstage after the show to see Rock, and 
Farley was drunk, fooling around in front 
of these girls. We'd been talking about 
going out for dinner after the show, but 
Rock and I looked at each other, and I 
said, "I can't do it. I can't be around him 
anymore like this 

Rock said, “Yeah, I know what you 
mean. ГЇ take care of him tonight 
CHRIS ROCK, cast member, SNL: Не was so 
fucking drunk, drunk to the point where 
he was being rude and grabby with girls 


He would go too far and you'd call him 
on it, and he'd give you his crying apol- 
ogy, the Farley Crying Apology. We prob- 
ably had about four of those that night 

I remember dropping him off at his 


apartment. He wanted me to come up 
and see his place 
and I just didn't 
He 
was so fucked up 
I just couldn't go 
up there. And as I 
drove away, I knew 
It had gotten to that 
point, I knew that 
was the last time Г4 


have it in me 


ever see him alive 
JILLIAN SEELY, friend: 
I was waiting for 
Chris to pick me up 
for the Chris Rock 
show, and I got a 
phone call from 
him saying there 
weren't enough tick- 
ets and so I couldn't 
go. That was Sun- 
day. Then Tuesday 
I got a call at nine 
o'clock at night 
from a nurse at the 
Northwestern psych 
ward. Hazelden had Lr gar 
to send him to the fist ty 
hospital to get sober la 
before they'd let him 
back into treatment 
Chris got on the 
phone, “I'm really 
scared," he said. “I 
totally relapsed on 
Sunday and went 
back to treatment 
and they made me come here 


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Will you 
come and see me? 

So I went over to Northwestern. I went 
up to Chris's room, and I heard him go. 
Hey, hey, in here 

He was in the bathroom blowing 
his cigarette smoke into the air vent 
1 looked down at this stainless-steel 
paper-towel rack, and there were lines 
of cocaine on it. Chris had gotten one 
of the hospital staff to bring him coke in 
the detox ward 

I said, "I'm totally telling on you." I 
went out into the hallway and started yell- 
ing, 

They came in and restrained him. 
You're a 


‘Chris is doing cocaine in his room! 


He was screaming at me 


It was like 


It was hor- 


fucking narc! I hate you! 
a scene out of a bad movie. 
rible, really horrible. 
KEVIN FARLEY: The fa 
able to score coc 


that Chris was 
inside the detox 
When you're 
That's 
bad. 


ward was just insane 
famous there aren't any rules. 
when I knew things were gettin 


He was in a mental ward. You couldn't 


t any lower than that 
Asa kid, when he watched 
he was terrifi 
thing evil could take 
possess you and make you do things you 
can't control. Here he had this thing that 
at him from the inside 
id he was powerless to stop it. And that 
hit out of him. 


he Exorcist 
1 of the idea that some- 
er your body, 


was cating aw 


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FATHER TOM GANNON: Chris thought of his 
nd evil, that 
control- 


addiction in terms of good 
drugs were the devil's w 
ling him, and I tried 10 steer him away 
from that way of thinking bec n't 
very helpful. Like many Irish Catho- 
lics’, Chris's sp 


пу was sort of a mix 


between reli 
TOM FARLEY: He told me heroin was the 
devil. “I've seen the devil, Tommy.” That's 
what he told me afier he'd tried it 

KEVIN FARLEY: Chris would talk about his 
addiction in those terms because that 
was the vocabulary he had for it. A lot 
of people laugh at that concept, but I 
think it's as good a 
What is a demon? 


superstition. 


ramework as any 


A demon is some- 


happen tob 
nd party in every opi 

icus Playboy Club In 
the track at ch 


And what- 
cver was in possession of Chris certainly 
wanted him dead 

тім OMALLEY: They say you should go 
back to your faith when you get sober 
but it’s up to the individual the role 
that their faith plays. I don't think 
Chris ever got a chance to really clarify 


thing that wants you dead 


or learn properly some of the ways to 
sort out your life. So I think he used 
religion and did the best he could with 
it, still trying to be a good Catholic boy 
using the garbage we were taught by 
the nuns—the angel on one shoulder 
and the devil on the other. It’s a fifth 
grader's view of spirituality 
FATHER TOM GANNON; The old view of spir- 
im. 


ity was that life was like climbing a 


mountain. You have 
to fight onward and 
upward, climbing 
with your spiritual 
crampons until you 


reach the top—and 
that's. perfection. 
You pass the trial 
and you pass the 
test and you get so 
ny gold stars in 
your copybook 

But that kind of 
faith only gets a 
person so far. Your 
spiritual life isn't like 
climbing a moun- 
„ Waiting to find 
God at the top. It's 
a journey, full of 
highs and lows, and 


God is there with 
you every step of 
ihe way. The first 


approach is really a 
whole lot of smoke 
n 
only the second one 


dating Hef Th 


етегінде Шығу and mirrors 


Toyota 
өту! 


that allows a person 
10 grow 
Chris didn't feel 


atch he was worthy of 


ИО God's love. He felt 
Sunday he had to prove 
mgl: himself. Well, you're 
on E never going to get 


very far in any rela- 
tionship with that kind of belief. Imag- 
ine if you had to prove yourself to your 
spouse every single day; that's not the 
way love works. In all of our talks, that 
was the one thing I really tried to work 
with him on, adjusting to this different 
idea of faith, but he never really moved 
from one to the other. It's hard. It takes a 
long time to come around to that way of 
thinking, and Chris just ran out of time 


Chris Farley overdosed on December 18, 1997. 
He was 33 years old. His body was discovered 
Chicago apartment by his brother John. 


Hex 


PLAYBOY 


126 


Hillary 
(continued from page 102) 


right-wing conspiracy" was hardly wrong, 
just infelicitously phrased.) 

So who gets it worse—Hillary or the ex? 
Coincidentally, we find Madame Tyrrell and 
Madame Hillary share an uncanny number 
of similar traits—who could have predicted? 
Hillary's a self-righteous, selfregarding nar- 
cissist, "a case study in what psychiatrists call 
‘the controlling personality,” and assumes 
the world will share her conviction that she's 
always blameless. And here is Tyrrell on his 
soon-to-be ex, from his political memoir, 
The Conservative Crack-Up: “She resorted 10 
tennis, then religion and then psychother- 
apy. Finally she tried divorce—all common 
American coping mechanisms for navigat- 
ing middle age.” When Tyrrell worries that 
suburban women will secretly identify with 
Hillary's independence and break from 
their husbands’ politics in the privacy of 
the voting booth, clearly suburban women’s 
late-breaking independence is territory he 
has cause to know and fear. (Feminists have 
long been one of Iyrrells favorite punch- 
ing bags in the Spectator: “disagreeable 
misanthropes, horrible to behold, uncouth 
and unlovely...burdened by a splitting 
headache, halitosis, body odor and other 


ailments too terrible and obscure to men- 
tion." l'm not sure what it says about me, 
but I confess this made me laugh.) Hillary's 
disposition is dark, sour and conspiratorial; 
she hasa paranoid mind, a combative style, 
is thin-skinned and prone to angry out- 
bursts. Whereas the ex-Mrs. T, we learn, 
was afflicted with "random wrath” and, 
as divorce negotiations were in their final 
stages, threatened to make the proceedings 
as public and lurid as possible. Hillary has 
“a prehensile nature,” which makes it sound 
as if she hangs from branches by her feet. 
And while Tyrrell nowhere actually says his 
ex-wife hung from branches by her feet, the 
reference to protracted divorce negotiations 
probably indicates that "grasping"—the 
definition of prehensil—is a characterization 
he wouldn't argue with. 

‘Threatening ex-wives, angry women, 
Hillary for President, property settle- 
y lighthearted stuff. Tyr- 
rell at least tries to be amusing about it, in 
the sense that love transformed into hatred 
can be amusing, in a bilious, horribly pain- 
ful sort of way. In contrast, Edward Klein, 
author of The Truth About Hillary, is the 
humorless type, though he's so venomous 
about Hillary and suspicious of her sexual 
proclivities that unintentional humor 
abounds: He's like an angry Inspector 


“Pm sorry, but I don’t do that on a first date with someone who has 
no shot at a second date anyway." 


Clouseau with gaydar. The inconvenient 
fact that there's no particular evidence of 
Hillary bending that way dissuades him not. 
Thus we learn Hillary went to a college with 
а long tradition of lesbianism (Wellesley) 
where she read a lot of lesbian literature, 
and two of her college friends would later 
become out-of-the-closet lesbians, and later 
some of her Wellesley classmates were 
invited for “sleepovers” at the White Hou 
(Get it? Sleepovers.) In 1972 a Methodist 
Church magazine she subscribed 10 pub- 
lished a special issue on radical lesbian and 
feminist themes, edited by two lesbians. In 
college her role models were feminists who 
refused to wear pretty clothes and some- 
times appeared mannish; her White House 
chief of staff was also mannish-looking 
"Though, according to Klein, Hillary never 
much liked sex to begin with and once had 
a fight with a college boyfriend about not 
wanting to go skiing—a fight that, also 
according to Klein, "might have been a sub- 
an honest discussion about her 
sexual frigidity” and that ended with Hil- 
lary retreating into “icy silence.” (Get it? ley.) 
He also reports she'd had a torrid affair 
with Vince Foster, the deputy White House 
counsel (and her former law partner) who 
later committed suicide. This would make 
her a frigid, closeted, gay adulteress, for 
anyone keeping score 

If it’s a handy truism that constant sex- 
ual innuendos mask a certain discomfort 
with sex, Klein is also a wafller, and nei- 
ther is exactly a testimonial to his level of 
self-acuity. Or a very attractive trait in a 
man, it must be said. In his preface to the 
paperback edition he attempts to weasel 
out of some of his more incendiary alle- 
ations, claiming mysteriously that the 
exaggerated rumors about my book” — 
that Hillary's a lesbian and Bill raped his 
wife" were blatantly untrue.” Huh? This 
is indeed the book that has Bill Clinton, on 
a Bermuda vacation in 1979, telling some 
guys in the hotel bar that he was going 
back to his room to “rape my wile” and this 
was how Chelsea was conceived. Possibly 
Klein means he just quoted a lot of imagi- 
пагу gossip rather than saying it himself. 
Still, his relation to Hillary brings to mind 
а selfloathing consumer of specialty porn: 
oscillating between fixation and contempt, 
projecting the derision outward onto the 
nasty object of his fascination and denying 
it has anything to do with him. 

On the sexual creepiness meter Klein 
gets some stiff competition from Carl Lim- 
bacher, author of Hillary's Scheme: Inside 
the Next Clinton's Ruthless Agenda to Take the 
White House, another biographer deeply fas- 
inated with nosing out the truth about Hil- 
lary's sexuality. Limbacher comes up with 
an even darker picture, il that’s possible 
premise is that Bill Clinton is a rapist, Hik 
lary digs it, and this is the key that unlocks 
her character. Or if Hillary didn't literally 
hold down the victims while Bill did the 
deed, she was complicit nonetheless, “a vic- 
timizer who actually enabled her husband's 
predations,” since “a woman with half the 


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intellect of Hillary Clinton would under- 
stand that she's married to a ravenous sex- 
val predator at best—a brutal serial rapist 
at worst.” At least he compliments her intel- 
lect! According to Limbacher, who writes for 
the far-right news outlet NewsMax, Hillary 
had to suppress evidence of Bill’s sex life, 
especially any suspicion that he liked rough 
sex, as some of his accusers implied, because 
this might “raise questions about her own 
private peccadilloes.” It's n 
what peccadilloes Limbacher is referring 
to, though elsewhere he mentions Foster 
was Hillary's "intimate friend.” But “if 
Juanita Broaddrick, then 
her believed that Hillary's state of 
ial was so extreme as to suggest some 


entirely clear 


you believ 


you 


de 
sort of psychological impairment—or you 
were forced to accept the possibility that 
she was an accomplice at some level to 
rape.” Га us to know what Lim- 
bacher imagines Hil ring when he 
asizes about her in the henchwoman- 
ре role—her Ilsa, She Wolf of the SS 
outfit or the navy-blue pantsuit 

As we see, the problem isn't that a woman 
is aspiring to be president—none of these 
books makes any argument against women 
as presidential candidates. No, the problem 
is that Hillary is a defor 
ininity itself is a pathology. She's a sadist 
dyko—maybe all at once. 
, by contr what 
nan.) On the femininity ques- 
least charitable enough to 
flirts well” and has evolved 
ne woman,” though he also 
ny passages mocking her youth- 
е, down to the unplucked eye- 
‘would have colle coal dust 
ing village." She's an overly 
in addition to everything else. 
Her physicality does loom 
these men, though in Klein's case you get 
e sense outsize female personalities both 
attract and repel him (his previous subject 
was Jacqueline Onassis, another woman 
with a charismatic straying husband, speak- 
ing of triangulation), He snidely notes the 
cubic poundage of any oversize woman who 
enters the story: Monica Lewinsky (who 
had gained a lot of weight” and “was burst- 
ing the seams of her thin sleeveless summer 
dress”), Bills deputy chief of staff Evelyn. 
Lieberman (“overweight”), his Arkansas 
chief of staff Betsy Wright (*heavyset”) and, 
of course, Hillary herself, whom Klein refers 
to throughout the book by the nickname 
the Big Girl. (Get it? The big gir.) But hold 
on—there’s a gynecological explanation for 
those lumpy legs and ankles he harangues 
her about; Klein quotes an “anonymous 
medical authority” who speculates Hillary 
may have contracted an obstetric infection 
after giving birth to Chelsea that resulted 
in chronic lymphedema, a condition that 
causes “gross swelling in the legs and feet." 
Forgetting that the diagnosis is specula- 
tive (and as far as I can tell, nowhere else 
confirmed), Klein observes Hillary covers 
up this lumpiness with widelegged pants. 
You have to give Klein credit—it's not every 


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PLAYBOY 


biographer who approaches the task with 
calipers and a speculum. Its a dirty job, but 
someone had to do it 

Taking the measure of Hillary s feminin- 
ity also preoccupies John Podhoretz in Can 
She Be Stopped?: Hillary Clinton Will Be the 
Next President of the United States Unless 
Podhoretz wants to like Hillary, though ће 
finds her tough to warm up to—she never 
figured out what to do with her hair and 
aving beauty and hasa man- 
ner that’s almost pathologically unsexy 
gly, Podhoretz thinks this antifem- 
ty may actually work in her favor: 


clothes, isn't 


Interest 
inine qu. 
Being "neither girlish nor womanly” with a 


*hard-to-describe style” could be the perfect 
blend for the first woman president, since 


a president has to be a little scary and not 
seem emotional basically, she should be a 

unlikable bitch. “And Hillary is a bitch." (So 
firmly entrenched is this assessment among 
Hillary haters that when she momentarily 
teared up during the New Hampshire pri- 
mary, this too was taken as evidence of bitch- 
ery: She cried strategically.) Feigning worry 
that saying this kind of thing makes him 
sound sexist (while admiring himself for 
saying it), Podhoretz's point is 1l 
presidential candidate needs to show she 
can be manly, and ifany woman politician 
can pass for a tough guy, it's Hillary. Which 


scares him, though in a fascinated sort of 
way. Call him Mr. Conflicted. 

IfPodhoretz seems to be all over the map 
about Hillary, no doubt he has his reasons 
When it comes to women and politics, his 
riously complicated 
neocon currently 


own life has been. 


too. For one 
married to a Northern liberal, as he reveals 
in the book, though those who follow such 
things may recall his previous m 

more like-mindes 
vative, which unraveled rather publicly 
afier three months, following a whirlwind 
10-day courtship during which Podhoretz 
1 his love for his new 


toa Beltway conser- 


and column (“in her calm, there 
is the permanence I seek”). Mom is the 
ultraconserv 

Midge De 
denounci 


Hillary had an 
feminism,” he 


he dutiful son, channel 
other could ask for mor 
But between the m: 1 powerhouse, 
the romantic impe nd flip-flops, 
and the si »olitical-bedfellows cur- 
rent marr h I'm sure they're a 
lovely couple), the guy has more than his 
share of family b when it comes to 


Midge. What 


love and politics. As has Hillary herself, 
ncedless to say—in a better world the two 
of them could have a fascinating heart-to- 
heart on the subject. 

But all these Hillary haters seem to be 
carting a lot of baggage around, even if 
the details haven't been as well publicized 
When Klein rants, “As always with Hilla 
it was all about her,” note the unmistak- 
able flavor of marital overfamiliarity—he’s 
really just had it with her. Or with some- 
one. He even resents her successes, espe- 
cially the massive advance for her Hillary 
book, Living History. When ‘Tyrrell writes 
that there was an emotional side to Bill 
nd Hillary's arrangement, with each ful- 
filling the other's idiosyncratic needs, as 
n there too, When 
Podhoretz spends a good chunk of his 
book proffe ivice to Hillary on how 
to position herself to win the election, 
1, the advice itself 
e: For instance, to avoid being 
by Bill, Hillary should treat him 
eto 


we've heard, he's bi 


ng 


not only is this w 


is stran, 
upstage 
as though he were her father—th 


provide her with emotional support and. 
little else.” Since Podhoretz is someone 
whose career has always been upstaged 
by his own more famous father, Norman 
(why the son's recent appointment to 
the editorship of Commentary, once Dad's 


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bastion, was much remarked upon), how 
can the reader even keep her footing 
amid such a swirl of relatives, husbands, 
ambitions and projections? 

By the way, Tyrrell has some free advice 
for Hillary too—namely that she should get 
herself a divorce and pronto. Since Bill is 
not only goatish but also “ithyphallic,” Hil- 
lary could present herself to women voters 
as “a victim of the male penile imperative,” 
then start dating again. Presumably, Tyrrell 
is so pro-divorce because life improved so 
dramatically following his own, especially 
on the penile-imperative front. His readers 
will no doubt recall his bubbly reports about 
life as a swinging bachelor, picking up 
fic coeds” at various right-wing think-tank 
shindigs and not returning home alone. 
Yes, conservatives do 
score, ‘Tyrrell makes 
sure to let us know, 
evenas hecharges Hil- 
lary with having been 
too self-disclosing in 
Living History. His 
preference is for 
the "soignée" and 
“physiologically well- 
appointed,” though 
unfortunately one of 
his soignée dates is 
mistaken for a hooker 
when he drops by a 
conservative gather- 
ing at the Lehrman 
Institute on his way 
10 Au Club, a then- 
happening Manhat- 
tan nightspot 

Tyrrell can indeed. 
be à hoot for those 
who find this kind of 
thing entertaining, 
though clearly we're 
at the precipice of 
male hysteria, where 
reason and intel- 
lect go to die, But if 
ever a man had an 
overladen relation 
to Hillary, it’s ‘Tyr- 
rell’s protégé, David 
Brock, author of 
The Seduction of Hil- 
lary Rodham, No, the 
acorn doesn't fall far from the tree. Except 
that after receiving a million-dollar hook 
advance to do to Hillary what he'd done 
to his previous victim, Anita Hill, in a best- 
selling smear job (Brock was famously the 
author of the “а bit nutty and a bit slutty” 
line about Hill), а strange thing happened 
when he tried to plunge the knife. Some- 
how he couldn't. Sure, there was the stuff 
about the 1960s radicalism Hillary never 
really abandoned, including a catty analy- 
sis of her college wardrobe, which featured 
the sort of “loose-fitting, flowing pants 
favored by the Viet Cong." (Just call her 
Ho Chi Rodham.) But for the most part it's 
an intermittently compassionate portrait of 
а gawhy, brainy, well-intentioned Midwest- 


ern gal swept off her feet by a charismatic 
Southern charmer, who then migrated to 
the backwaters of Arkansas—or Dogpatch, 
as Brock likes to call it—to advance Bill's 
political fortunes, sacrificing herself and 
her principles for love, and Bill repaid her 
by having sex with everyone in sight. 
Wait—is this the same David Brock 
who had spent his career to date as dirt- 
digger-in-residence at The American Specta- 
tor, employed by our pal Tyrrell to compile 
sleazy exposés on Tyrrell’s laundry list of 
political enemies? In fact, Brock's most 
notable victim had been Bill Clinton. It was 
young David who first dug up the name 
Paula and used it in his infamous Trooper- 
gate article; consult your history books for 
what happened next. But to everyone's 


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versely drawn to the rejection implied by 
Bills philandering” and willing to accept 
compromises and humiliation in the sexual 
arena because of the greater good she and 
Bill could together accomplish, Brock—who 
had once thrown a gala party to celebrate 
the 100th day of Newt Gingrich's antigay 
Contract With America—could be describ- 
ing his own carcer arc, too. After all, Brock’ 
was a political marriage with its own share 
of humiliations, though by writing this 
Hillary biography he finally got the divorce 
Hillary never could, after which he penned 
an engraved kiss-off to his forme 
and boss in £s 
a Right-Wing Hit Man.” The accompany- 
ing pictorial has Brock as a modern-day 
Joan of Arc tied to a tree, perched atop a 

pile of kindling and 
gazing heavenward, 
his billowy white 
shirt ripped open, 
one nipple exposed. 
Another noted apos- 
tate, David Horo- 
witz, picking up on 
the gender-bending 
implications, com- 
mented acerbically, 
"The editors didn't 
say whether he was 
waiting to be shot 
or to nurse, 

Gender bending, 
indeed. The prob- 
lem was that Brock 
ended up identifying 
with Hillary when he 
was supposed to be 
vilifying her, and it 
turned his life upside 
down. The ques- 
tion he asks about 
Hillary—"What 
made her vuln 
able to those seduc- 
tive forces in the 
first place?" —was 
the same one soon 
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shock (including his publisher's), the prom- 
ised Hillary takedown turned out to be a 
big squishy valentine instead, and his own 
camp was livid. Alas, as Brock soon learned, 
unconditional love is not the prevailing 
emotion on the conservative fringe when 
faced with public defection; instead, they 
stopped inviting him to their parties and 
id scurrilous things about him in print. 
yrrcll stuck by him at the beginning, but 
he got canned from the Spectator too. 

One interesting aspect of Brock's employ- 
ment situation was that he happens to be 
gay and the Spectator regularly fulminated 
against gay rights, as did his yappy boss 
whenever given the chance. When Brock. 
speculates Hillary might have been "per- 


Sones Pe en hee nr e 


with the right. Some 
mysterious alchemy 
took place in the 
course of his writing 
this book: Instead of Brock exposing Hil- 
lary, she exposed Brock to himself, 

To any halfway attentive reader, the lev 
els of psychodrama—and family drama 
and marital drama—played out in these 
books are impossible to ignore. You don't 
need to know the specifics of the backstory 
to recognize the signs. “All biography is 
ultimately fiction,” Bernard Malamud 
wrote іп Dubin’s Lives, his novel about a 
biographer, though what would he have 
said if he'd read this particular collection 
of authors: All biography is ultimately a 
Rorschach test? The various Hillaries that 
emerge are fictive enough, but they have 
an inner reality for their creators. Each 


invents his own personal Hillary, then has 129 


PLAYBOY 


130 


his creation, all the while payi 
tribute to her with these displays of antago- 
nism and ambivalence. They re caught in 
her grip, but they don't know why; they 
spin tales about her treachery and perver- 
sity, as if that explains it. But the harder 
they try to knock her off her perch, the 
more shrill and unmanned they seem. 

What female colossus is this they re 
Mailing at, what oversize mythic figure: 
A clue comes our way from Dorothy Din- 
nerstein, who wrote some years ago in The 
Mermaid and the Minotaur of the “human 
malaise” in our current sexual arrange- 
; the one in which men 
rule the world and women rule over child- 
hood, with mothers the “first despots” in 
our lives. To her haters, Hillary is noth- 
ing if not a would-be despot making an 
illegitimate grab for power. Now, I would 
never say men who hate Hillary are treat- 
ing her like a bad mother, since it would 
sound like a huge cliché. But according 
to Dinnerstein, the psychological ort 
gin of misogyny is simply the need for 
mother-raised humans to overthrow the 
residues of early female dominion. To put 
it another way: Men won't give up ruling 
the world until women stop ruling over 
childhood, meaning that if political power 
is ever really going to be reapportioned 
hetween the sexes, child rearing would 
probably have to be reapportioned too. 
For the most part this has yet to happen 
meaning that it's not hard to see why the 
prospect of women ruling both spheres 
isn't exactly a neutral question. 

Power is a subject that cuts deep, psy- 
chically speaking. Anxiety reigns in these 
vicinities, not in geopolitical terms alone 
but in the very experience of being ruled, 


which is what being a citizen entails. We 
were all once children who got pushed 
around by big despots with their own 
agendas for us. Too often it can seem as 
if adulthood is just one long reprise, with 
a slighily larger cast of characters. As to 
how this plays out in terms of political 
psychology—who's allowed to lead, how 
leaders secure the consent of the ruled— 
well, that’s what's being renegotiated at 
the moment, in a predictably bumpy sort 
of way. At the moment, the polls suggest 
there is significantly more anxiety in this 
country about a woman's rise to power 
than about a black man's. (Historical foot- 
Black men actually won suffrage 
long before women managed to; perhaps 
the same pattern will hold when it comes 
to presidential elections.) Of course those 
wishing to dispute that conclusion can find 
plenty of reasons to blame the extremes of 
Hillary hatred on Hillary herself: Some- 
thing about the woman is just... [insert 
your own projection here] 

But what is it about those Clintons? 
Years ago there was a wonderful book 
called Dreams of Bil; the authors ran clas- 
sified ads around the country soliciting 
accounts of dreams, erotic and otherwise, 
in which Bill Clinton appeared as a char- 
acter, and they compiled the results to 
hilarious effect. These days it’s Hillary who 
seems to get the psychosexual juices flow- 
ing, along with hatred, ambivalence and 
the occasional burst of admiration. Political 
charisma is as complicated a subject as any 
on the planet, and whether Hillary's ver- 
one the country will be seduced 
by or rebuff is still anyone's guess. 


not 


"Here's a rundown of today's scores and drug test results.” 


BASEBALL 


(continued from page 92) 
Off-season focus: The Diamondbacks 
made it known they are looking to wi 
now with no regard to the future. They 
packaged six players—inchuding five 
Of their top 12 prospects, led by highly 
regarded OF Carlos Gonzalez—and 
shipped them to Oakland for RHP Dan 
Haren and RHP Connor Robertson, 
then sent erratic but statistically succ 
ful closer Jose Valverde to Houston f 
trio of players they feel can add depth. 
In-season prognosis: The health of Randy 
Johnson, who is coming off his third back 
operation at the age of 44, is critical. E 
durability is a concern, but with the add 
tion of Haren to go with Brandon Webb, 
Arizona would be happy to have Johnson 
fill the third spot in its rotation to make 
up for the loss of Livan Hernandez to free 
agency, The Diamondbacks still need to 
find offensive help for a team that won its 
division last year despite being outscored 
and leading the majors with а 32-20 
record in one-run games, which histori- 
cally doesn’t bode well for an encore. 
Oh, to be young: RF Justin Upton, 20, was 
rushed to the big leagues at 19 and forced 
10 learn a new position, but he's tough 
enough to survive the mishandling. 


Colorado 

Last season: 00-73. Second. 

place, half а game back. The 
Rockies earned the NL wild card, swept 
the Phillies in the NLDS and the Dia- 
mondbacks in the NLCS but were swept 
by the Red Sox in the World Series. They 
1 43-30 against the NL West, the best 
of any NL team. It was the second time 
in four years and only the third time 
ever that the Rockies have had a winning 
record within their division. 
Off-season focus: Stability was the 
Rockies’ priority, and they felt they 
found it by signing КИР Aaron Cook 
through 2011, getting SS Troy Tulo- 
witzki for a six-year deal that covers his 
first ycar of potential free agency and 
agreeing to a two-year deal with LF Matt 
Holliday. The postseason lineup and 
tation return, except for 2B Kazuo 
Matsui and filth starter Josh Fogg. 


ЕҢ 
( 
ки сува (5 pus (100), 


In-season prognosis: A year ago the big- 
gest question about Colorado was when the 
talented players would realize they could 
be a good team, not just good indi 
als. They turned that corner in the second 
hall of last season, winning the first NL 
pennant in franchise history. They should 
build off that confidence in 2008. With 
Matsui gone, they won't have the speed 
of a year ago, but by moving Tulowitzki 
into the second spot in the lineup they will 


have 2 


plus home-run potential from the 
second through sixth slots 

Oh, to be young: RH closer Manny Cor- 
pas, 25, had only limited experience 
working the ninth inning in the minors, 
but when he got the chance in the majors 
last July he dominated. 


Los Angeles 
Last season: 82-80. Fourth 
place, eight games out. The 


Dodgers’ offense put pressure on its 
pitching staff, finishing 10th in the NL in 
runs scored ( 275 


), despite hitting 
third in the league—last season 

Off-season focus: Manager Grady Liule be- 
came this year's scapegoat for the McCourt 
ownership group. He was replaced by Joc 
Torre, victim of the 
Joe Girardi power 
play with the Yan- 
kees, who beat the 
Dodgers to Girardi. 
The team is look- 
ing for à rebound 
from CH 
Andruw Jones, who 


season 


was signed as a free 
agent to a two-year 
deal that moves Juan 
Pierre to left field 
L.A. also found rota- 
tion help with Japa- 
nese right-hander 
Hiroki Kuroda, 

In-season progno- 
sis: The Dodgers 
are building their 
hopes around their 
pitching staff, The 
bullpen is solid 
and the rotation 
has impressive base- 
ball cards, but what 
does the future hold 
for Jason Schmidt 
(coming off shoulder 
surgery), Esteban 
Loaiza (87 million 
albatross of a pan- 
icky waiver claim last 
on), Derek Lowe 
(40-37 in three years 
with the Dodgers). 
moody Brad Penny 
and Kuroda, who wasn't exactly a super- 
star in Japan? The suspect outfield defense 


handling: visit 
ү send check 


80 Enterprise Avenue. 


will get a boost from Jones's arrival, 
putting Pierre in left will entice runners to 
go from first to third on singles to left as 
well as right 

Oh, to be young: IB James Loney, 23 
not only has a run-producing bat but is 


also good enough to win a Gold Glove 


89-74. Third 
one and a half games 


place, 
The Padres lost the wild 
tiebreaker at Colorado in game 163 
They struck out 1,229 times—second 
most in the NL last year—and had three 


d. 


ard 


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players with 125-plus Ks: Mike Cam- 
стоп, Adrian Gonzalez and Khalil Greene. 


‘Most career homers through the оде of 31 
alltime: Alex Rodriguez (499), Jimmie 
Foxx (464), Ken Griffey Jr. (460), Eddie 
1422), Mickey Mantle (419). 


3 


42 


Off-season focus: The financially tapped 
Padres went bargain hunting and came 


away with three medical projects who 
could provide big lifts if healthy. But those 
are big ifs when the talk turns to RHP 
Mark Prior, LHP Randy Wolf and CF Jim 
Edmonds, who came from St. Louis with 
about $1.5 mil 
y and unde 


n, which helps offset his 


sal. res how much St 


Louis wanted hii 


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In-season prognosis: How Trevor Holl- 
man rebounds from blowing last year's 
final two saves, which cost the Padres a 
postseason berth, will give them a quick 
The rotation is 


hint as to what's 
solid with a big three of Cy Young win- 
ner Jake Peavy, emerging Chris Young 
and future Hall of Famer Greg Maddux. 
Thar's where Prior and Wolf could fit in. 
The offense will be a real concern, р 
ularly in an outfield that has injury-prone 
Edmonds flanked by Brian Giles (coming 
ery) in right and 
ли extra man being 


ћеа 


olf microfracture sur 
Scott Hairston (a de 
asked to assume the everyday job) in left 
Oh, to be young: 1B Gonzalez, 25, was a 
number one pick by the Florida Marlins. 


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He made his big-league debut in Texas 
but found a home in San Diego, where he 
has hit 54 home runs in two seasons in a 
park that is a hitter's nightmare 


San Francisco 
GIANT Last season: 71-01. Fifth 
place, 19 games behind. 
Off-season focus: ls a new world for 
the Giants, who bid adieu to Barry Bonds 
at the end of last season. That freed up 
about $15 million in salary, but they 
couldn't get rid of the contracts for 2B 
Ray Durham, INF Rich Aurilia and RF 
Randy Winn. They signed free agent CF 
Aaron Rowand to a five-year, $60 million 
deal, hoping his attitude would provide 
But 


a spark to a lethargic clubhouse 
goi the 
friendly confines in 
Philadelphia to 
AT&T Park will 
challenge Rowand's 


from 


с confi- 
d expose 
his limited range in 
center field. 

In-season prog- 
nosis: The ques- 
tion isn't whether 


offens 


the Giants will have 
the worst record in 
the NL. West but 


whether they will be 
the worst team in the 
Bay Arca. Bet on the 
Giants edging Ihe 
Хз for that dubious 
distinction. With the 
likes of Matt Cain 
Tim Lincecum and 
ah Lowry, they 
have quality young 
arms in their rota- 
tion, but look at the 
bullpen, check out 
the lineup and then 
get serious. Bengie 
Molina hitting 
fourth? They want to 
give Dan Ortmeier 
and Kevin Frandsen 
opportunities in the 
field but never did. 
anything to provide 
protection after the loss of 3B Pedro Feliz. 
Oh, to be young: RHP Cain, 23, is a 
strikeout pitcher with All-Star potential 


A Е АШЫТ 


Boston 
Last season: 06-66. First 
place. The Red Sox won their 
second world championship in four 


gand handing in 


Пара) 
төй can. 


years, sweeping the Angels in the 
ALDS, edging the Indians in seven 
games in the ALCS and sweeping the 
Rockies in the World Series. They led 
the AL with a 3.10 ERA, working only 
447 innings, the third fewest of any 
big-league bullpen 


1 


1 


PLAYBOY 


132 


Off-season focus: The Sox spent most of 
the winter toying with Minnesota about 
Johan Santana before refusing to part 
with CF Jacoby Ellsbury or RHP Clay 
Buchholz. The team had to wonder if 
it shouldn't have been more proactive 
when, the weck before spring training, 
it made public ВИР Curt Schilling’s 


recurring shoulder problems, which may 
knock him out until the All-Star break 
and could signal the end of his career 


7007 OPS by Age 
(оде through June 30, 2007): 
OP Sy. 0% 
ler 26 334 E 767 
3% 40 1% 


In-season prognosis: Daisuke Matsuzaka 
can step up his game in his second year 
in the big leagues, and Buchholz at this 
point is an upgrade over Schilling. The 
scason figures to rest on whether Tim 
Wakefield's aching back can be remedied 
so that his innings will ease the pressure 


on the bullpen. The lineup was already 


elite and gets beuer with the insertion of 
Ellsbury at center, where he is an upgrade. 
in all phases over Coco Crisp. 

Oh, to be young: When 2B Dustin Pedroia, 
24, struggled early last year he ignored 
questions about his big-league ability and 
proved his value by season's end, earning 


AL Rookie of the Year honors. 
Toronto 
Last season: 83-79. Third 
BRWS place, 13 games out. The Blue 


Jays have finished third in the division 
in eight of the past 10 years, climbing 
to second in 2006 and dropping to last 
place in 2004 

Off-season focus: The Jays looked 
to salvage something from what had 


become a financial drain at third 
by sending their problem child, Troy 
Glaus, to St. Louis for the Cardinals" 
problem child, Scott Rolen, They hope a 
‚change of scenery will provide relief and 
are banking on Rolen's legs to handle 
the Rogers Centre's ersatz grass better 
than Glaus's could 

In-season prognosis: With the foursome 


A man from the IRS came by today.” 


of Roy Halladay, АЈ. Burnett, Dustin 
McGowan and Shaun Marcum as the 
core of the rotation, the Jays pitching 
is a factor. Another key is Vernon Wells 
bouncing back offensively, combined 
with Rolen having something to prove 
after his Tony La Russa nighimares 
St. Louis. A fast start is important so 
manager John Gibbons's contract doesn't 


become a distraction. 


Good Eye. 
lowest swing percentage at bolls out of 
the strike zone, 7007 (minimum 502 PA): 
‚As (15.4); Brion Giles, Padres (18.2); Bobby 
(19.4); Jim Thome, White Sox (19.8); 


A 


Oh, to be young: The team doesn't have 

»-or-younger impact player, but RHP 
Jesse Litsch, 23, is ready to fill the fifth 
spot in the rotation. He doesn't over- 
power but has a curveball he can throw 
for strikes, and he isn't afraid of contact 


New York 

Last season: 04-68, Second 

place, two games out. The Yan- 
kees were the AL wild card but lost to 
Cleveland in four games in the ALDS 
The rotation ranked eighth in the league 
with a 4,49 ERA and used 14 different 
pitchers to start games. 
Off-season focus: GM Brian Cashman 
established his power, bringing in Joe 
Girardi to replace Joe Torre as manager 
nd resisting pressure to swap quality 
young arms in a proposed deal with the 
Minnesota Twins for Johan Santana 
Yankee baseball folks are convinced the 
RHP triumvirate of lan Kennedy, Phil 
Hughes and Joba Chamberlain will be 
the foundation for the next run of world 
championships in the Bronx 
In-season prognosis: Girardi didn't 
play well with others during his mana- 
gerial debut with the Florida Marlins, 
and his ability to work as part of the 
group directing the Yankees will be 
under scrutiny from the season's start. 
The team has young pitchers who can 
turn heads. Ironically, offense is sup- 
posed to be the team's strength, but 
When it comes to sorting out Jason 
Giambi, Wilson Betemit and Shelley 
Duncan at first base it’s clear all is not 
as sleckly in place as the Yanke 
their fans to believe. 
Oh, to be young: Chamberlain, 22, 
Hughes, 21, and Kennedy, 23, are as 
good as any three young arms a team 
can put on the mound. 


want 


Tampa Bay 

Last season: Fifth place, 
30 games out. The Rays have never won 
more than 70 games in a season and have 
finished in fifth place nine times. They 
finished ahead of the Blue Jaysin 2004 
Off-season focus: Not much scems 
to change, except the team name, 
from Devil Rays to Rays. They juggled 


664 


players, dealing excess outfield talent 
in hopes of filling other voids (Delmon 
Young to Minnesota for RHP Matt 
Garza and SS Jason Bartlett) or merely 
clearing out clubhouse problems (Eli- 
jah Dukes to Washington). 


22 Highest swing percentoge at bolls out of strike 
zone, 2007 (minimum 502 PA): Tony Pena 
Jr, Royal (48.0); Alfonso Soriano, Cubs (46.6); Ivon 
Rodriguez, Tigers (46.0); Delmon Young, Rays (45.6) 
Vladimir Guerrero, Angels (45.4). 


In-season prognosis: There is no rea- 
son to think the Rays will make much 

se, While they have speed and ath- 
leticism in their position players, they 
have voids in power 
hitting, starting 
pitching and the 
bullpen. Moves 
like the signing of 
free agent reliever 
Iroy Percival do 
not figure to make 
a difference in the 
standings. The 
Rays have also fos- 
tered a laid-back 
mentality in their 
farm system, and 
the lack of disci- 
pline and respect 
for the game is a 


concern when their 
prospects reach the 
big leagues. 

Oh, to be young: 
For all the hype 
about the Rays 
being а young team 
with potential, it is 
worth noting that 
OF B.J. Upton, 23, 
is the only every- 
day player who 
is under 25. LHP 
Scott Kazmir is 24 v- 
Upton, who has 


power and speed, 
and Kazmir, who 
can dominate 
games, are already 
among the game's elite 


Baltimore 
Last season: 69-93. Fourth 
place, 27 games out. The Ori- 


oles 5.71 ERA—higher than any major 
league team not in Tampa Bay—was 
the highest in franchise history despite 
a $42 million spending spree on reliev- 
ers prior to the 2007 season. 
Off-season focus: It was a challenge 
for president Andy MacPhail to educate 
owner Peter 

having patience and creating a founda- 
tion instead of always throwing money 
at problems to make them go away 
MacPhail appears to have succeeded 
where his predecessors had failed, and 


Angelos on the value of 


the Orioles began lo 
farm system by de: 
and LHP Erik Bedard 

In-season prognosis: The Orioles aren't 
looking for quick fixes anymore. To get 
better they will first get worse, and this 
will not be fun. It will take patience 
to make it through, and the ownership 
will have to be constantly reminded about 
what can happen down the road. It is 
sometimes wiser to divert one's eyes from 
a disaste 


ling up a fallow 
ing SS Miguel Tejada 


about better times. 
addition of 


with RF Nick М 
have two big-time impact outfielders with 
complete skill sets. It's a nice place to start 


building an elite off 


isive ma 


This exclusive digital collection, the 
lo be published by decade, offe E 1 


reprint of the very fist issu 


CIE NEER А 


Cleveland 
Last season: 96-66. First place 
The Indians eliminated the Yan 


mes in the ALDS but lost 
to the Red Sox in seven games in the 
ALCS. They dominated the AL Central 
(48-24). The only other AL Central team 
with a winning record within the division 
was the White Sox (39-33). 

Off-season focus: The Tribe did a lot of 
tire kicking, but when the team showed 
spring training not much had 
1 from last year, other than the 
addition of Japanese RHP Masahide 
Kobayashi, one of the top relievers in 


езіп four 


red in an easily 
ROM disk, on 


his homeland, and INF Jamey Carroll 
who provides bench versatility. But this 
m that doesn't need to 
The key will be 
having the patience to allow players 
10 blossom and letting the leadership 
of Grady Sizemore, Travis Hafner and 
Victor Martinez take over 
In-season prognosis: The Indians’ pitch- 
depth gives them an edge on the rest 
of the division. With the arrival of Aaron 
Laffey and Jeremy Sowers they have 
seven legitimate starting pitchers. With 
Kobayashi and the development of lefty 
Rafael Perez and righty Jensen Lewis, 
even the bullpen is overilowing. Casey 
Blake's emergence not only pushed out 
me phenom Andy Marte at third but 
ave Cleveland the 
extra bat the lineup 
needed 
Oh, to be young: SS 
Jhonny Peralta, 25, 
provides offense from 
а position where 
defense is enough 
to get by 


Detroit 
Last season: 
8-74. Sec- 


ond place, eight 
games out, The 
ligers dominated. 
lefi-handed pitchers. 
They were 98-15 in 
games lefties started 
inst them—the 
second-best win- 
ning percentage 
in the AL, behind 
Seattle—hitting 209 
overall with a 477 
slugging percentage 
against southpaws, 
Off-season focus: 
I's all about w 
ning at any cost 
Tigers have 
It eight of the 
anization's top 
10 prospects in var- 
ious trades over the 
1 year, including 
off-season deals for 3B Miguel Cabrera 
and LHP Dontrelle Willis from Florida 
and SS Edgar Renteria from Atlanta 


is a young t 
make radical moves 


721. Money Pitch 
X Pitchers wth mos colled third strikes with 
> runners in scoring position, 2007: Doug 

Davis, Diamondbacks (21); Miguel Batisto, Mariners 

(18); Jos Becket, Red Sox (18); Adam Wainwright 

бий (17); Erik Bedard, Orioles (15); Daniel 

Cabrera, Orioles (15); Rich НИ, Cubs (15) 


In-season prognosis: If the stars align. 
Detroit could dominate, but this is an aging, 
brittle team that will have to build an early 
lead to win the division because it will wear 
down by September: Cabrera, 25, and Curtis 
Granderson, 2 


are the only regulars who 133 


PLAYBOY 


134 


haven't turned 30. While Cabrera reminds 
observers ofa young Manny Ramirez in the 
way he swings a bat, his lack of conditioning 
raises eyebrows, MRIs are more of a con- 
cern than ERAs with a pitching staff that saw 
starters Kenny Rogers, Nate Robertson and 
Jeremy Bonderman on the disabled list last 
year. Power-throwing reliever Joel Zumaya 
is coming off shoulder surgery that will cost 
him at least half the season. 


st Gone 
with most fly-ball outs of 380-plus feet, 


ilies (19) Bobby Abrev, іліге (18); 
mondback Te 


Oh, to be young: RHP Justin Verlander, 
25, has already started an All-Star Game 
and thrown a no-hitter 


Chicago 
Last season: 72-90. Fourth place, 
24 games out. The White Sox stole 


more bases (78) than Cleveland (72), 
Toronto (57) and Oakland (52) but on 
average were the least successful AL team, 
being safe on only 63.4 percent of attempts 
and getting thrown out 45 times. 
Off-season focus: The consensus is that 
champions are built around pitching stalls, 
but the White Sox go about things a little 
differently, When the Sox won the world 
championship in 2005, just six pitchers 
started for them. Only two, Mark Buehrle 
and Jose Contreras, remain. In 2006 they 
lost Orlando Hernandez to free agency 
and traded Freddy Garcia to the Phillies 
and Brandon McCarthy to Texas; this past 
off-season they shipped Jon Garland t 
the Angels. They did becf up the offen 
by acquiring CF Nick Swisher, SS Orlando 
Cabrera and LF Carlos Quentin. 


In-season prognosis: The Sox got back 
strong arms when they dealt their vet- 
erans, but it’s hard to see them as a key 
factor when the team is counting on LHP 
John Danks, who came from Texas, and 
RHP Gavin Floyd, from the Phillies, to 
fill two rotation spots. Danks and Floyd 
have only 55 big-league starts combined. 
And it’s not as if this team will steal any 
games with its amazing offense 

Oh, to be young: 3B Josh Fields, 25, was 
a quarterback at Oklahoma State and is 
a power hitter in the bigs (24 home runs, 
3 big-league at bats). 


fa Minnesota 
Last season: 70-83. Third place, 
17 games out. So much for the 
Metrodome's image as an offensive palace 
The Twins scored only 718 runs, third few 
estin the league. The irony is the only teams 
scoring fewer runs were also in the AL 
tral: Kansas City (706) and Chicago (6 
Off-season focus: Major restructuring 
of the organization—from the front office 
to the field—started with longtime GM 
miracle worker Terry Ryan moving into 
an advisory role and Bill Smith taking 
over. Smith reworked the front office and 
began a patchwork job, losing free agents 
RHP Carlos Silva and CF Torii Hunter 
and trading potential free agent LHP 
Johan Santana to the Mets in a less than 
market-value deal because he dragged his 
feet when the Yankees and Red Sox came 
bidding. They did add a young bat from. 
Tampa: OF Delmon Young 
In-season prognosis: The Twins need to 
find an identity. They still have an offensive 
nucleus with Young joining Justin Mor- 
neau, Joe Mauer and Michael Cuddyer, 
but how can a team that is recycling Hous- 
old rejects SS Adam Everett and 


“That used to be called The Friendly Tavern!" 


Mets’ package for Santana had mixed 
primarily because of concern that 
player, CF Carlos Gomez, while 
having unquestionable athletic abili- 
ties, won't develop into an impact player. 
Oh, to be young: Mauer, 25, a yo 
player ata premium position, 
made his presence felt 


Kansas City 
popes Last senso 30-03. Fifth place, 
97 games out. The Royals, who 
it to the postseason seven times from 
1976 to 1985 and haven't been there 
have had only one winning season 
past 14 years. 
Off-season focus: After a year of observ- 
ing, GM Dayton Moore, who came from 
the Braves, began to make changes, includ- 
ing going to Japan to find Trey Hillman, 
who was named manager after Buddy Bell 
resigned over differences with upper man- 
agement. Mike Sweeney, the high-priced 
and ofi-injured face of the franchise, went 
to Oakland as a free agent after only mini- 
mal discussions, but the Royals did shell 
out $36 million over three years to sign 
free agent Jose Guillen, 


the 


Swing at the 3-0 Pitch 
¡percentage of swings on 3-0 pitches, 
(137), Astros (12.1), Royals (10.6), 
(10.4), Indians (9.8). 


In-season prognosis: Moore brought with 
him the Atlanta approach, which stresses 
building a strong infrastructure, ie., a good 
farm system. Given the state of the Royals, 
that means patience. Moore has been stock- 
piling arms, and the process will speed up 
with the emergence of Brian Bannister (who 
came from the Mets in 2006), Kyle Davies (a 
former Brave) and Joakim Soria (a Padres 
самой). But the Royals failings were under- 
scored when they brought Hideo Nomo to 
spring training and offered a multiyear deal 
to journeyman LH reliever Ron Маһа 
Oh, to be young: 3B Alex Gordon, 24, 
has to deal with the pressure of being 
compared to George Brett. 


Los Angeles 
Last season: 94-68. First place, 
six games ahead. The Angels were swept 
by Boston in the ALDS. Their 417 slag- 
ging percentage ranked ninth in the 
league, but they still managed to be 
fourth in the AL with 822 runs scored. 
Off-season focus: The Angels have 
advanced past the first round in postseason 
play only once, in 2002, and they won the 
World Series that year—the season before 
Arte Moreno became owner. Now he wants 
a ring of his own, and he's willing to pay the 
price. Without tearing apart the farm system, 
the Angels upgraded by signing CF Torii 
(concluded on page 138) 


LOVE AND .. | BASKETBALL 


We can't believe it has already 
been a decade since 
was named Miss May 

Back then 

she resigned p 
from her | 
buttoned- А 
down bank 

job to pose || 

I'm smart 

Im sexual, SB 


and I won't 
deny either 


side of me 


she said. It all 
worked out N 
Deanna has 
become a suc- 


cessful model, 


author and actress, most 
recently seen in Walk Hard 
The Dewey Cox Story 


1, the town's civic pride swelled 
ach when Lauren landed 


When former NBA forward Matt 
Walsh signed with Ricoh Manresa 
in Spain's ACB basketball league, all 
eyes focused on him. But the fans 


over of Spanish PLAYBOY'S 
March issue. However, Manresa's joy 
was short-lived: Right as the maga- 
zine was hitting newsstands, Spirou 
Charleroi of the Belgian 1 


gaze soon shifted to the stands 
Walsh's | 
July 


ugtime girlfriend, Miss 
Lauren Anderson, win- 


ner of TV's Girl Next Door: The Search for sw 1 in and signed Walsh to a 
a Playboy Centerfold, frequently came to 2 new contrac nresa bid a tearful adios to 2 
watch him play. She sent Manresa, a city of 2 its Playmate, anc um adopted a new 
only 66,000, into such a frenzy that Walsh, ¿ Most Valuable Fan. Does Walsh ever get 
despite leading his team in scoring, picked 2 tired of playing in Lauren's shadow? "No, I 
up the decidedly non-hoops nickname El de 2 feel lucky,” he says. It seems he has adjusted 
la Rubia, or “The One With the Blonde to the fact that the arc on his jump shot will 


irlfriend. 


Although Walsh secured the lea 


пе МУР i never be as pretty as his 


GLAMOUR SHOTS 


MY FAVORITE PLAYMATE 


"My favorite Playmate is Р 
Miss June 1980 
1 saw her in my 
roommate's 
puveor, and 
her look just 
blew me away—so 
much that I ended up 
buying my own issue. 
Someone who 


Î looks so classy and 
then to see her 
naked... well, 


it doesn't 
get much 


БР beter 


than that.” 


healthy, and 


We still remember that sexy tattoo 
from your pictorial, Have you had more th 
work done since the shoot? 

Since then I have added nine tat- 
toos, and I'm not sure if Um fin- 
ished going under the needle 

In your pictorial you said 
you hated Los Angeles. Where 
do you live now? 

On the island of Oahu in 
Hawaii. I love it! 

What are you 

I modeled for a while on e 
the island and had a small 
part in the movie Blue Crush 
1 became the mother of 
twins about three and 
a half years ago; then I 
became a single mom 
about two and a half 
years ago—but no com- 


plaints about that. I a 
e kids are as well. There's not much 
more one could ask for 
Do you still model? 
I'm not modeling or acting 
t now. I work for the local 
hospital and try to enjoy timc 
relaxing on the beach when 1 
1 the chance 
It m be difficult to get 
alone time as a working mom. 
Are you able to slip out and 
pursue a love life? 
Not e tly. I get only eight 
nights off a month from the 
nd four of those 
ig the week. I have 
nothing serious at the 
и. though I do have 
a couple of boy toys who 
e entertained. 


to? 


mome 


Miss August 2004 Pilar lastra gives sage advice 
blog for AOL Latino: о isn't meast 

rather by the size of the thought. Nothing cure: 

better than skydiving. If yêu lapse on New 

t Chinese New Year or even Rosh Hashanah (Septem! 


The brewers of St. Pauli Girl beer 
have a history of tapping Playmates 
to embody their signature 
steinslinging maiden. This Ay 
year they ve chosen wisely 

in Miss January 2001 Trina 
Voronina. The Russian native 
stands nearly six feet tall, and 
with her soft blonde hair she’s 
the spitting image of the friendly 
fräulein on the 

St. Pauli Girl 
label. She will 
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alls, spread- 


ing good cheer 
and authentic 
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Miss USA 1995, 
and Miss De- The new St. Pauli 
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Shanna Moakler starred as one of 
the judges on CW's Crowned: The 


Court is now in session: Shanna with 
How to Look Good Nckec's Carson Kressley 


and TV personally Cynthia Garrett 


Divas and—rather less entic 
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138 


BASEBALL 


(continued from page 134) 
Hunter—making it the second year in a row 
they landed a free-agent center fielder. 
They ve also relied on the farm system to fill 
holes, trading SS Orlando Cabrera to 
the White Sox to get RHP Jon Garland. 
In-season prognosis: The offense has 
sputtered at times, but Garland's addition 
makes this the deepest rotation in baseball. 
Adda solid bullpen and the Angels have the 
foundation for a championship: a strong- 
armed pitching stall. Hunter will offer some 
offensive help, but he’s more an emotional 
leader than a statistical one. The Angels 
need their homegrown players, such as IB 
Casey Kotchman and 2B Howie Kendrick, 
to assert themselves at the plate, 

Oh, to be young: RHP Jered Weaver, 
25, has established himself with a 24-9 


record in his first 47 starts 
e Last season: 88-74. ond 
place, six games back. The Mari- 
ners had a good record in 2007 but were. 
outscored 813-704, which suggests the 
were fortunate to win that many games. 
Off-season focus: GM Bill Bavasi failed 
to meet expectations, which was арра 
ent when he sent five top-notch prospects 
to Baltimore for LHP Erik Bedard. The 
Mariners also signed free agent ВИР 
Carlos Silva to a four-year, $48 million 
contract, giving the team two proven big- 


Seattle 


league arms in the rotation. However, they 
not only failed to add offensive help, they 
traded away their one impact offensive 
prospect, CF Adam Jones, to get Bedard. 


0 Never Use Your Coser Before the Ninth 

¿As Most saves of four or more outs, 2007: Mari- 
* ners (13), Yankees (13), Reds (11), Royals 
Мейс (9), Rangers (9), Blu Joys (9). 


In-season prognosis: The Mariners have 
only one team to battle for the division 
title—the Angels. They have arguably 
the most dominant closer in baseball with 
JJ. Putz, who, thanks to the addition of 
Bedard, should benefit from having RHP 
Brandon Morrow available as his setup 
man. What haunts the Mariners is their 
stumbling offense, led by the statistical lie 
that is Ichiro Suzuki, who puts up quality 
numbers but has little impact on a team’s 
success, and the free-agent blunder Richie 
Sexson, who at least is headed into the final 
year of the franchise's four-year mistake 

Oh, to be young: 2B Jose Lopez, 24, who 
arrived from Venezuela dazzling with his 
defense, has added offense to his résumé. 


Texas 
Last season: 75-87. Fourth 
place, 19 games back. In 2007 


the Ranger rotation's ERA was 5 
the highest in the AL and nearly a ri 
higher than the league average of 4.63. 
Off-season focus: Owner Tom Hicks 
likes star power, and with the team on 


the field fading he brought back Hall of 
Fame pitcher Nolan Ryan to be presi- 
dent. Rest assured Ryan won't be a fig- 
urehead. He is a doer, nota watcher, and 
his background will have an interesting 
impact on a Rangers front office that has 
potential but lacks experience. Before 
Ryan's arrival the Rangers decided 10 
take a shot on OFs Josh Hamilton and 
Milton Bradley. They also brought in LH 
reliever Eddie Guardado, whose health 
is a question mark but whose presence 
the Rangers hope will benefit C.J. Wilson 
in his attempt to become a closer. 
In-season prognosis: The team has 
potential, but it is young and inexpe 
enced—starting with C Jarrod Saltalamac- 
chia (the longest name in major league 
history), 2B Tan Kinsler, RHP Brandon 
McCarthy and LHPs Kason Gabbard and 
Wilson. The Rangers have a lineup that 
can score runs, but it will take a couple 
of years to bring together a pitching staff 
that can contend. Of greater concern is 
whether veteran starters Kevin Millwood 
and Vicente Padilla were serving a warn- 
ing when they experienced the worst sca 
son of their careers last year. 

Oh, to be young: Saltalamacchia, 
considered the premier catching pros- 
pect in the game. He was the key to send- 
ing Mark Teixeira to Atlanta. 


Oakland 
Last season: 76-86. Third 
place, 18 games back, The A's 


failed to get to the postscason for the 
third time in eight years and haven't 
been to the World Series since 1990. 
Off-season focus: During the off- 
son the A's dealt RHP Dan Haren, С 
Nick Swisher and CF Mark Kotsay for 
prospects—13 to be exact, including five 
of the top 12 prospects in the Arizona 
system for Haren. They got impressive 
returns, though it will be a few years 
before they help at the big-league level. 
The As then spent the spring looking at 
the value RHPs Huston Street and Joe 
Blanton could bring. Needless to say, no 
effort was put into retaining INF Marco 
Scutaro or C-DH Mike Piazza. 
In-season prognosis: There are no 
pretenses in the Bay Arca. The Аз 
won't contend. The fact is the Giants 
may be the only team with a worse 
record than the A's this year. Even the 
veterans who remain in Oakland (RHP 
Rich Harden, SS Bobby Crosby and 3B 
Eric Chavez) have been battling inju- 
ries, which is probably why their mar- 
ket value wasn't enough for GM Billy 
Beane to engineer a steal—er, deal— 
like the one with Arizona. 

Oh, to be young: Street, 24, is an All- 
Star and Rookie of the Year who has 
been closing out games for a good team 
for the past two years 


99, is 


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If You Liked 
Keele 
Hazell... 
The Sun's annual 
Page 3 Idol contest 
turns a fresh. 


var's winner 
is JENNY GRANT. 


lookin’ at? You're 
lookin' at LINDSAY 
LOHAN ina. 


Lifestyles of the Stepchildren of the Rich and Famous 

When Robert De Niro married Diahnne Abbott, he adopted her daughter, known 
thereaíter as DRENA DE NIRO. She has appeared in a couple dozen films and (says 
140 the Internet) is a former model and DJ. We'd like to see her spin. 


Not Playing 
Water Polo 
Here we see 


Billy Zane and 


T 


xt томе, It's 


asi remake 


ws, tentatively 
titled Cheeks. 


Look What the Cat Dragged In 
Here are three reasons you should have watched Rock of Love. Below, 
the brunette is KRISTY JOE MULLER (irom womenofplayboy.com), and the 
blonde is Cyber Girl MEGAN HAUSERMAN—both from season two. At right 
is season one’s BRANDI С, who dabbled in porn as BRITTANY BURKE 


Шо! роџгг! 


BATHTUB GIN 


We've always maintained that itis possible 


preferable—to have a bar in every room of 

the house. The bathroom, of course, provides 
the trickiest challenge. Until our ice maker- 
medicine cabinet arrives, we'll make do with 
Woody's citrus shampoo and peppermint 
conditioner ($30 cach, mugonline.com), 
which come in oversize booze bottles complete 


with liquor-pourer caps. Delicious 


GETTING YOUR KICKS 


Like a bicycle, diving fins capt 


e your leg 


strength and translate it more effectively into 
thrust. Unlike a bike, fins haven't had gears— 
until now. The stretchy "power bands” in Sling 
shot fins ($220, aqualung.c ather energy 
on the power stroke and release it on the upstre 
for extra room. Three stiffness settings (amounti 
to gears) let you adjust how 

fast you want to swim and 

with how much effort 


142 


CINDERELLA 
STORY 


As we're sure Jesse 
Ventura would 
gree (sec 

)). Caddyshac 
isn't just a film 
about golf, it's 


a way of organiz- 


your exis- 
tence. Whether 
you're more like 
Carl Spackler or 
Ty Webb, you'll 
walk a little taller 
when wielding 
the Caddyshack 
putter ($250, 
caddyshackputter 


com). It comes — 
with a talking 


club cover that 

reminds you to 
“be the ball.” 

To which we'd 

like to add, “Ха- 


DRAWING 


Most anima- 
tors find a 

style and stick 
with it. It typi- 
cally becomes 


their most i 


crutch, This is 
emphatically 
not Ralph 
Bakshi's prob- 
lem. Although 
eral iconic looks (the influence of Fritz the Ca 
alone could fill a book), he is also a rabid, uncompromising innovator 
(not to mention troublemaker). From the downtown-hipster 
stylings of Fritz to the sc ards to the collage work in 
American Pop, we can think of few animators more deserving of the 
coffec-table treatment. Co-written by млувоу pal Jon M. С 
and Chris McDonnell, Unfiltered: The Complete Ralph Bak 
a loving behind-the-scenes tribute to a true 


оп 
$40) is 
merican iconoclast 


FOR THOSE SCORING AT HOME 


Excited as we are about the start of 
baseball season, we can't help but feel 
daunted by the enormity of keeping track 
of 2,420 games, and that's not count- 
ing spring training and the playolls. 
The folks at Ambient Devices under- 
stand. Their Baseball ScoreCast ($ 
ambientdevices.com) uses radio signals 
To pullin up-to-the-minute scores and 
stats on every baseball ga 

entire season literally at yo 


VA VA VINO 


Vegetables and relationships 
when new. Alcohol and M: 
just seem to improve as tim 
So we lind it fitting that Ms. 
Mami 
hat surprises us? The 
nude photo adorning one of the bottles 
(under a peel-away cover-up label) was 
taken last year, with Mamie in her 70s. 


NT 


e best 
Doren 


A MOVABLE FEAST 


We have this recurring dream— 
no, not the one about our cighth- 
grade science teacher wearing 
nothing but a lab coat. This one 
is better. In this dream we are 
on the beach with a good, strong 
frozen margarita in one hand 
and a smokin'-hot babe in the 
other. There was a time when 
we thought this dream unattain- 
able. That was before we became 
friends with € man's Re- 
chargeable Portable Blender 

(860, coleman.com), which can 
power up rom a wall jack or 
your car and will do 20 to 30 
pitchers on one charge. Now 
we just have to fi 

10 convince the girlfriend to 
wear a lab coat on the beach 


are out how 


Zir 
TWILIGHT OF THE CLODS 


As pollsters keep reminding us, George W. Bush is one of the 
least-liked presidents in history. Which means January 20, 
2009 (his last day in office) will be a day of celebration in many 
places. To anticipate it properly, pick up a Bush countdown 
key chain ($8, bushtimer.com). It helpfully marks, to the second, 
how much longer wel have Dubya to kick around 


FACE THE MUSIC 


Time, as men smarter than us 
have noted, keeps everything 
from happening at once. One 
of those things is music. Music 
takes time to record, time to 
listen to and time to remix. To 
honor this connection and also 
to, you kno ook cool, we 
present the Tableturns watch by 
Flüd (865, fludwatches.com), 
which reimagines the clock face 
as a spinning turntable. We'd 
like to think that if you scratched 
this thing skillfully enough, you 
could make fourth-dimensional 
hip-hop by mashing up yester- 
day with tomorrow. 


143 


ШТех! Month 


SECRET AGENT МАН. 


TAKEAWILD RIDE BEHIND THE SCENES AT CRAZY HORSE. 


PLAYMATE OF THE YEAR—FOR THOSE OF YOU DANGLING IN. 
SUSPENSE OVER WHO WILL WEAR THE CROWN, WE'LL PROVIDE 
А HINT: SHE ALREADY HAS AT LEAST TWO THINGS IN COMMON 
WITH PMOYS JODI ANN PATERSON AND JENNY MCCARTHY. 


STEVE CARELL—HE HAS BUILT AN ARK, LOST HIS VIRGINITY 
AND MADE SELLING PAPER FASCINATINGLY FUNNY. AS HE 
PREPARES TO DON MAXWELL SMART'S SHOE PHONE FOR 
GET SMART, HE DISCUSSES HIS UNUSUAL ODYSSEY IN THE 
INTERVIEW WITH ERIC SPITZNAGEL. 


THE GIRLS OF CRAZY HORSE—PARIS'S SPECTACULAR NUDE 
DANCE-AND-LIGHT SHOW CAME TO VEGAS THIS YEAR, ALLOW- 
ING US TO CAPTURE THESE EROTIC BEAUTIES WRITHING IN 
LUMINANCE. TALK ABOUT TRIPPING THE LIGHT FANTASTIC. 


ORGIES FROM A TO Z—DO YOU COME HERE OFTEN? SEX 
COLUMNIST ANKA RADAKOVICH NAVIGATES US THROUGH. 
THE INS AND OUTS OF BACCHANALIA 


ALL AMERICA’S CRISIS—THE LEADING CAUSE OF DEATH FOR 
YOUNG BLACK MALES IS HOMICIDE. THE REASON, SAYS JASON 
WHITLOCK, IS AN OUTRAGEOUS INCARCERATION RATE. RAMPANT 
JAILINGS DENY THE BLACK COMMUNITY ITS FATHERS, FOSTER 
NO-SNITCH POLICIES AND LET GANGS BECOME DE FACTO NEIGH- 
BORHOOD GOVERNMENTS, WHY HAS NO CANDIDATE OBJECTED? 


SAN QUENTIN: CAUSE AND EFFECT OF AMERICAS CRISIS 


2 


ALL THAT GLITTERS IS GOLD ON MSS JUNE. 


THE FALL OF NEWSPAPERS PRINT, WE HAVE BEEN INFORMED, 
IS DEAD. IF THAT'S SO, WHY IS THE SMART MONEY—FROM 
RUPERT MURDOCH'S TO SAM ZELL'S—BUYING NEWSPAPERS? 
ERIC KLINENBERG RESEARCHES THE FUTURE OF THE INDUS- 
TRY. HIS HEADLINE? “DON'T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU READ," 


PARADIGM SHIFT—PULITZER PRIZE WINNER JANE SMILEY 
OFFERS A STORY IN WHICH AN ECO-FRIENDLY WIFE USES 
SEX TO PERSUADE HER HUSBAND TO LIVE GREENER, EVERY- 
THING IS GREAT FOR THE COUPLE THAT KNOCKS BOOTS AND 
REDUCES ITS CARBON FOOTPRINT—THAT IS, UNTIL THE DAY 
SOME CUTE CRUNCHY GIRLS COME INTO THE HOUSE. 


THE FUTURE OF THE INTERNET AND HOW TO STOP IT—IN 
FORUM, JONATHAN ZITTRAIN TELLS US CONSUMERISM WILL 
EVENTUALLY RESULT IN OUR BEING STRONG-ARMED INTO. 
GIVING UP OUR FREEDOM TO USE THE WEB, 


HARVEY LEVIN—THE FOUNDER OF TMZ HAS BEEN DUBBED 
THE SULTAN ОҒ SLEAZE, HERE, HE TALKS ABOUT THE ETHICS 
INVOLVED IN PUBLISHING GOSSIP, HOW TO DIG UP GOOD 
DIRT AND WHY CELEBUTANTES NEVER WEAR PANTIES. 200 
EY DAVID HOCHMAN 


PLUS: FASHION DRESSES ONE OF OUR YOUNG ASSOCIATES, 
AND MISS JUNE JULIETTE FRETTE BRINGS THE HEAT. 


Playboy (ISSN 0032-1478), May 2008, volume 55, number 5. Published monthly by Playboy in national and regional editions, Playboy, 680 North 
Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611. Periodicals postage paid at Chicago, Illinois and at additional mailing offices. Canada Post Cana- 
dian Publications Mail Sales Product Agreement No. 40035534. Subscript n the U.S., $29.97 for 12 issues. Postmaster: Send address change to 


144 Playboy, PO. Box 2007, Harlan, Iowa 51537-4007. For subscription-r 2-38, or e-mail circ ny playboy.com. 


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