Skip to main content

Full text of "PLAYBOY"

See other formats 


200? 


- pap TO THE BONE 


pus OUR ANNUAL 


funability. Bold styling and nimble 
eyebrows. Silence the critics with hard f. 


MAZDA6 has more interior room than Camry and ; 
features available Bose? 10-Speaker Centerpoint? Surround 
Sound and Bluetooth®* Audio with МРЗ capability. In addition, 
you'll get a highly respectable 30 mpg highway: 

All at a starting price of 519,200! So despite 
its sporty reputation, the MAZDA6 is 
actually a really smart choice. 
Zoom-Zoom. Forever. 


MazdaUSA.com 


Е == = m 
-E5 سے‎ == 
` w = = 
k kk xx 


5-STAR SAFETY* 
TOP GOVT RATING, ALL 5 TESTS 


*Test Fleet of Pre-Production MAZDA 6 vehicles covered over 1 million miles during product developmental testing. **Bluetooth is a registered trademark of Bluetooth SIG, Inc. 'EPA 
estimated mileage MAZDA бі automatic. Actual results may vary. '2010 MAZDA 6s Grand Touring as shown $29,140. MSRP excludes tax, title and license fees. Actual dealer price may vary. 
See dealer for complete details. "Government star ratings are part of the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration's (NHTSA's) New Car Assessment Program (www.safercar.gov). 
Vehicle tested with standard side-impact air bags (SABs). 02009 Mazda Motor of America, Inc. 


© 
z 
2% 
«qo 
mz 
Of | 
ا‎ 
22 
Л 


x 
: 


ж 
a 
+ 


91001 AN 'AHOA МЭМ ‘OTT SN А102 Y 


ollege is where most of us finally get 
_ the freedom to figure out who we 
are. Which makes it fertile ground for 
our Sex on Campus 2009 feature. 
reports from the front lines, while 
bad-boy photographer 'sdeli- 
cious nudes capture the realism of women 
sorting through their sexual lives. Wooc 
1, the subject of this month's 
Playboy Interview, is no stranger to experi- 
mentation himself. In fact, he smoked pot 
throughout his days-long conversation in 
Maui with d He an. Harrelson has 
made Hollywood work for him without buy- 
ing into its hype and hustle—a bit like 
whose recent return to our living 
rooms on The Tonight Show caps nearly 
10 years of wandering the more desolate 
regions of the entertainment landscape. In 
Andy Richter Grows Up, 
hikes the wilderness with him to confront 
the specter of Ed McMahon, as well as the 
“strange lizard creatures and creepy old 
women with huge, 
tight tits” that 
seem to haunt 
Richter. Will the 
comeback road be 
asgoodtoS 
in? After 
spending the 2008 
NFL season in- 
jured, the game's 
most danger- 
ous linebacker is 
back and ready to 
bring the hurt. In Andy Richter Woody Harrelson 
this months 200 


Gahan Wilson 


° talks with Merriman 
about what happens when you hit someone 
so hard he has to retire, then later run into 
him at the Playboy Mansion. To further in- 
dulge our love of dangerous athletes, writer 

interviewed countless Oakland 
Raiders players and hangers-on to bring 
us Bad to the Bone, an oral history of the 
Hells Angels of football. They answered 
to no one, much like the pirates that patrol 
the waters off Somalia's Gulf of Aden. The 
difference? The Raiders 4. won. In 
Pirates of Somalia, writer : 

li finds the pirates have more in com- 
mon with Oliver Twist than with Captain 
Jack Sparrow. Also this month: The Golden 
Age of Pills features illustrations by vet- 
eran magazine artist And 
while drug companies find ways to make 
us more comfortable, cartoonist in 

n finds ways to make us less so. With 
Halloween coming up, his retrospective is 
only appropriate—as is our vampire-tinged 
Love Bites pictorial with an essay by 

nger, today's foremost expert on soci- 
ety's fascination with bloodsuckers. If this 
is what vampires look like these days, then 
we say bring on the nightmares. Hana ¿mae emmy 


= 
= 
O 
” 
со 
< 
> 
О 
Q 
м 
Q 
° 
m 
Q 
< 


AN WHOA MN "ОЭ SiS LMOSAY АЯ ПЗ1#О ЧУ! 60082, 'NIVIO WOU OMISIO 10A / DIV ir 7М3З013/45 30 1200084 "VADO al MOSBY 
šA1NISISNOdS33 110597 HLIM AONI 


VOL. 56, NO. 9-OCTOBER 2009 


CONTENTS 


This is the story of terrorists on the high seas. Somali pirates have received much 
ire inthe media, but do you really know their side of the story? 
traverses troubled waters to ask them face-to-face why they maraud. 


100 
LOVE BITES 


BAD TO THE BONE 
The 1970s Oakland Raiders were part Hells 
Angels, part rock stars. gathers 
an oral history of the baddest team ever. 
PLUS: We give you this season’s winners. 

ANDY RICHTER GROWS UP 
Richter takes a hike in the Hollywood 
Hills (yes, seriously) with 
and doesn't look back. 

VENUS ON THE HALF SHELL 
New Orleans is 'S OYS- 
ter as he samples the city’s best bivalves. 

SEX ON CAMPUS 2009 
An intimate look at the secret life of 
college girls, compiled by 
plus our College Sex Poll results. 

THE GOLDEN AGE OF PILLS 
Can’t focus? Want to stay awake for 
days? Do and 

have an Rx for you. 


THE WEIRD WORLD OF 
GAHAN WILSON 


Eight quirky cartoons from the master. 


WOODY HARRELSON 
Woody lies back, fires up a joint and dis- 
cusses sex, marijuana, the man and other 
heavy stuff with 


SHAWNE MERRIMAN 
Lights Out has been rebuilt—better, stron- 
ger, faster, he tells 


LIGHT, SWEET CRUDE 


Oil futures can be a risky business. By 


Bloodlust is pandemic, be it in True Blood, 
Twilight or our Love Bites pictorial, brought 
to us by Polish PLAYBoY. For the cover, pho- 
tographer Rankin captures Kiera Gorm- 
ley sinking her fangs into the soft, supple 
skin of Tuuli, while our Rabbit lurks in the 
shadows. That’s undead sexy. 


VOL. 56, NO. 9-OCTOBER 2009 


PLAYBOY 


GIRLS OF THE ACC 
Hot Hokies, sexy Seminoles, divine 
Blue Devils and more cute East Coast 
coeds let you into their dorm rooms. 


PLAYMATE: 
LINDSEY GAYLE EVANS 
How she introduced herself to us: 
“Pm a former Miss Louisiana Teen 


USA, and I'm tired of being good. 
Are y'all interested?” We are! 


LOVE BITES 
Nude models vamp it up in a fiery, 
bodily-fluid-swapping (blood) picto- 
rial. It’s a fantasy with fangs. 


HEKIDS 
RE ALL 
RIGHT 


ж 


FASHIC 


Whether it's lust, politics or self- 
expression through dress, passion 
fuels youth. We look at what protest- 
ers put on for their big day. 


72 PLAYMATE 


LINDSEY GAYLE EVANS 


WORLD OF PLAYBOY 
In the wedding of the summer, Kendra Wilkinson 
marries Hank Baskett at PMW; the Shannon twins 
earn roles in Sofia Coppola's new movie; the two- 
day Playboy Jazz Festival celebrates one of 
America's truest art forms at the Hollywood Bowl. 


HANGIN’ WITH HEF 
Hef takes his girls to catch a Lakers play-off game 
at the Staples Center, attends the unveiling of the 
USC School of Cinematic Arts Complex and watches 
his son Cooper accept his high school diploma. 


PLAYMATE NEWS 
Jayde Nicole comes back to TV with the latest sea- 
son of The Hills; Bebe Buell releases a new single. 


PLAYBILL 

DEAR PLAYBOY 
AFTER HOURS 
REVIEWS 
MANTRACK 
PLAYBOY ADVISOR 
PARTY JOKES 
GRAPEVINE 


THINK AGAIN 


Wrap your head around this: 
argues that we have changed 
the way humans process thoughts. 
BIG BOOM THEORY 
We once feared the bomb. Now 
notes the fuse is even 
shorter on the environment. 


PLAYBOY.COM 


Check out our 
top movie sex scenes, updated weekly. 


We present amazing anima- 
tions from our first contest, including 
this year's winner, Basement Gary. 


As football season snaps 
to life, our best sports bars list helps 
you find your new favorite place to 
watch the game. 

Cool bands like Dinosaur 
Jr. and 3 Doors Down cover songs that 
inspire them. 


Dispatches from 
the best place on earth, including ex- 
clusive video coverage, behind-the- 
scenes photos and Hef's Movie Notes. 


GENERAL OFFICES: PLAYBOY, 68O NORTH LAKE SHORE 
DRIVE, CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 60611. PLAYBOY ASSUMES NO 
RESPONSIBILITY TO RETURN UNSOLICITED EDITORIAL OR 
GRAPHIC OR OTHER MATERIAL. ALL RIGHTS IN LETTERS 
AND UNSOLICITED EDITORIAL AND GRAPHIC MATERIAL 
WILL BE TREATED AS UNCONDITIONALLY ASSIGNED FOR 
PUBLICATION AND COPYRIGHT PURPOSES, AND MATERIAL 
WILL BE SUBJECT TO PLAYBOY'S UNRESTRICTED RIGHT 
TO EDIT AND TO COMMENT EDITORIALLY. CONTENTS 
COPYRIGHT © 2009 BY PLAYBOY. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. 
PLAYBOY, PLAYMATE AND RABBIT HEAD SYMBOL ARE 
MARKS OF PLAYBOY, REGISTERED U.S. TRADEMARK OF- 
FICE. NO PART OF THIS BOOK MAY BE REPRODUCED, 
STORED IN A RETRIEVAL SYSTEM OR TRANSMITTED IN 
ANY FORM BY ANY ELECTRONIC, MECHANICAL, PHOTO- 
COPYING OR RECORDING MEANS OR OTHERWISE WITH- 
OUT PRIOR WRITTEN PERMISSION OF THE PUBLISHER. 
ANY SIMILARITY BETWEEN THE PEOPLE AND PLACES IN 
THE FICTION AND SEMI-FICTION IN THIS MAGAZINE AND 
ANY REAL PEOPLE AND PLACES IS PURELY COINCIDEN- 
TAL. FOR CREDITS SEE PAGE 115. BRADFORD ONSERT IN 
DOMESTIC SUBSCRIPTION POLYWRAPPED COPIES. CAMEL 
SNUS INSERT BETWEEN PAGES 36-37 IN SELECT DOMES- 
TIC SUBSCRIPTION COPIES. SELECT COMFORT INSERT BE- 
TWEEN PAGES 44-45 IN DOMESTIC NEWSSTAND AND SUB- 
SCRIPTION COPIES. CAMEL DIP INSERT BETWEEN PAGES 
130-131 IN SELECT DOMESTIC NEWSSTAND AND SUB- 
SCRIPTION COPIES. CERTIFICADO DE LICITUD DE TITULO 
NO. 7570 DE FECHA 29 DE JULIO DE 1993, Y CERTIFICADO 
DE LICITUD DE CONTENIDO NO. 5108 DE FECHA 29 DE 
JULIO DE 1993 EXPEDIDOS POR LA COMISÍON CALIFICADO- 
RA DE PUBLICACIONES Y REVISTAS ILUSTRADAS DEPEN- 
DIENTE DE LA SECRETARIA DE GOBERNACIÓN, MÉXICO. 
RESERVA DE DERECHOS 04-2000-07 1710332800-102. 


PRINTED IN U.S.A. 


sec ounday Sept 27, 10pm: 


following the season premiere of Dexter 


Order SHOWTIME now for $7.99 or less per month for a limited time*. 1-800-SHOWTIME or go to SHO.com | I HD 


` “Limited time otter ands 10/12/09. Offer good for new subscribers in participating systems only. Discounted service offer will be $7.99 per month or less, for a period of at least 2 months. Call your service provider for details. After the promotional period 
standard rales apply: Other restrictions may apply. Мау not be combined with any other Showtime rebate or promotion. ©2009 Showtime Networks Inc. All rights reserved. SHOWTIME and related marks are trademarks Of Showtime Networks Inc. 


LA O- 


PLAYBOY 


PLAYBOY 
SUBSCRIBE HUGH M. HEFNER 


editor-in-chief 


TO DIGITAL JIMMY JELLINEK 
P LAYB OY 2. editor 


ROB WILSON art director 
and download GARY COLE photography director 
A.J. BAIME, LEOPOLD FROEHLICH executive editors 
a FREE ISSUE 


AMY GRACE LOYD executive literary editor 
In st ant | y | STEVE GARBARINO uriter at large 


EDITORIAL 
TIM MC CORMICK editorial manager FEATURES: CHIP ROWE senior editor FASHION: JENNIFER RYAN JONES 
editor FORUM: TIMOTHY MOHR associate editor MODERN LIVING: SCOTT ALEXANDER senior editor 
ZOOM l N STAFF: ROCKY RAKOVIC associate editor; GILBERT MACIAS editorial assistant CARTOONS: 
an d et cl OS er! AMANDA WARREN editorial coordinator COPY: WINIFRED ORMOND copy chief; BRADLEY LINCOLN, 

9 x SANHITA SINHAROY copy editors RESEARCH: BRIAN COOK, LING MA, NATALIA IWONA OSTROWSKI research 
editors CONTRIBUTING EDITORS: MARK BOAL, KEVIN BUCKLEY, SIMON COOPER, ANA MARIE COX 
(washington, d.c. bureau), ROBERT B. DE SALVO, GRETCHEN EDGREN, KEN GROSS, DAVID HOCHMAN, 
ACC ESS WARREN KALBACKER, ARTHUR KRETCHMER (automotive), JONATHAN LITTMAN, SPENCER MORGAN, JOE 
MORGENSTERN, CHRISTIAN PARENTI, JAMES R. PETERSEN, STEPHEN REBELLO, DAVID RENSIN, JAMES ROSEN, 
ext ra p h otos DAVID SHEFF, DAVID STEVENS, ROB TANNENBAUM, JOHN D. THOMAS, ALICE K. TURNER, CHRIS WILSON 


CHRISTOPHER NAPOLITANO editor at large 


LISTEN at 
SCOTT ANDERSON, BRUCE HANSEN, CHET SUSKI Senior art directors; CRISTELA P. TSCHUMY digital designer; 


to new music 


BILL VAN WERDEN photo researcher; PAUL CHAN Senior art assistant; STEFANI COLE senior art administrator 


PHOTOGRAPHY 
STEPHANIE MORRIS west coast editor; JIM LARSON managing editor; PATTY BEAUDET-FRANCES 
senior editor, entertainment; KEVIN KUSTER senior editor, playboy.com; KRYSTLE JOHNSON, RENAY LARSON, 
WATC H BARBARA LEIGH assistant editors; ARNY FREYTAG, STEPHEN WAYDA Senior contributing photographers; 
GEORGE GEORGIOU staff photographer; JAMES IMBROGNO, RICHARD IZUI, MIZUNO, BYRON NEWMAN, GEN 


excl usive videos NISHINO, JARMO POHJANIEMI, DAVID RAMS contributing photographers; BONNIE JEAN KENNY manager, photo 


archives; KEVIN CRAIG manager, imaging lab; MARIA HAGEN stylist 


| N STANT LOUIS R. MOHN publisher 


: ADVERTISING 
month ly del мегу JOHN LUMPKIN associate publisher, digital; HELEN BIANCULLI executive director, direct-response advertising; 
MARIE FIRNENO advertising operations director; BRIAN HOAR, category sales manager, spirits 
NEW YORK: JESSIE CLARY category sales manager, fashion; SHERI WARNKE southeast manager 
CHICAGO: LAUREN KINDER midwest sales manager LOS ANGELES: COREY SPIEGEL west coast manager; 
LEXI BUDGE west coast account executive DETROIT: STEVE ROUSSEAU detroit manager 
SAN FRANCISCO: ED MEAGHER northwest manager 


MARKETING 
LISA NATALE associate publisher/marketing; STEPHEN MURRAY marketing services director; CHRISTOPHER 
SHOOLIS research director; DONNA TAVOSO creative services director; LISA KOLODNY senior manager 


PUBLIC RELATIONS 
THERESA M. HENNESSEY vice president; ROB HILBURGER publicity director 


PRODUCTION 
JODY JURGETO production director; DEBBIE TILLOU associate manager; 
CHAR KROWCZYK, BARB TEKIELA assistant managers; BILL BENWAY, SIMMIE WILLIAMS prepress 


CIRCULATION 
SHANTHI SREENIVASAN Single-copy director 


ADMINISTRATIVE 
MARCIA TERRONES rights & permissions director 


SUBSCRIBE now at 


INTERNATIONAL PUBLISHING 
DAVID WALKER editorial director; MARKUS GRINDEL marketing manager 


www.playboy.com/issue 


PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES INTERNATIONAL, INC. 


©2009 Playbo А А : 
у-у SCOTT FLANDERS chief executiue officer 


a style for every taste 


How do we make a menthol cigarette without 
adding anything to the tobacco® Simple. We 
put crystal granules into the filter that are infused 
with natural menthol. All you're burning is 100% 
additive-free tobacco, so you get the consistently 
fresh, menthol taste you want, while smoking 

the best premium natural tobacco found only in 


Natural American Spirit. 


Our Green pack gives you a full-bodied menthol 
taste, and our Green & White pack gives you a 


light, mellow menthol taste. 


Try Natural American Spirit 
with $20 in Gift Certificates 


TryAmericanSpirit.com 
or call 1 -800-872-6460 100% ADDITIVE mus NATURAL TOBACCO Kuu MAT 
Promo Code 79204 


Offer for two $10 Gift Certificates good toward any Natural American Spirit products of greater value. Offer restricted to U.S. smokers 21 years of age or older 
Limit one offer per person per 12 month period. Offer void in MA and where prohibited. Other restrictions may apply. Offer expires 06/30/10. 


UBAL T. 
iow OBACCO 


MENTHOL FULL TASTE 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking No additives in our tobacco 
does NOT mean a safer cigarette. 


Causes Lung Cancer, Heart Disease, 
Emphysema, And May Complicate Pregnancy. 


Smoking our “light mellow taste” filtered cigarettes does not reduce or eliminate the health risks of smoking. Natural American Spirit® is a registered trademark of Santa Fe Natural Tobacco Co. © SFNTC 4 


DARE 
AA a [ Durex” Avanti BARE™. A new material for a next- to-nothing feel. 


Discover new pleasures at thatsmypleasure.c: 


OFEPLAYBOY 


HEF SIGHTINGS, MANSION FROLICS AND NIGHTLIFE NOTES 


1 KENDRA AND HANK’S BIG DAY 
Kendra Wilkinson became Mrs. Hank Baskett during a fairy-tale wedding in 
front of 300 guests at the Playboy Mansion. Hef said of the ceremony, “This 
| is one of the happiest days in one of the happiest places on earth.” 


TWINS TO DO 
SOMETHING IN 
SOMEWHERE 
The Academy Award- 
winning writer-direc- 
| tor Sofia Coppola 
came by the Playboy 
Mansion to check on 
her two starlets. She 
has cast the Shan- 


non twins in Some- 
where to play...well, 
actually we’ve been 
sworn to secrecy— 
and that comes from 
the family behind 
The Godfather. 


k шы 


31ST PLAYBOY JAZZ FESTIVAL REALLY SWUNG Б 
Variety described this year’s Playboy Jazz Festival as “art- 
istry in the daylight, party under the stars.” Kenny G, the 
Wayne Shorter Quartet, Alfredo Rodriguez and Sheila E. 
(below left) jammed to the delight of those at the Hollywood 
Bowl, including Oscar winner Jamie Foxx and The Celebrity | 
Apprentice’s Claudia Jordan. Now there’s a jazzy trio: Crys- 

tal Harris, master of ceremonies Bill Cosby and the festival’s 
executive producer, Hef, share a cool moment. 


What a summer for Hef! There was a 

wedding, a graduation and, as always, 
the Grotto. (1) Fresh faces—and bodies—descend on 
PMW for our L.A. Casting Call. (2) Bill Maher with 
Hef at the launch party for the July/August issue. (3) 
Hef with girlfriends Miss July Karissa Shannon, Miss 
August Kristina Shannon and Crystal Harris. (4) The 
Man with his own Laker Girls at the Staples Center, 
watching the NBA champs make their way through 
the play-offs. (5) Corey and sweet Susie Feldman at 
a Kandyland event. (6) Mary O'Connor hosts her 
annual garden party. (7) Miss January 1974 Nancy 
Cameron with Hef on movie night. (8) Christie Hef- 
ner gives her dad a peacock statue for Father's Day. 
(9) Hef and Dean Elizabeth Daley at the unveiling 
of the new USC School of Cinematic Arts Complex, 
which includes the Hugh M. Hefner Moving Image 
Archive. (10) A peek inside the Grotto at a Sunday 
afternoon pool party. (11) Hefand bridesmaid Holly 
Madison at Kendra's wedding. (12) Bridesmaid 
Bridget Marquardt with boyfriend Nicholas Carpen- 
ter. (13) Smokey Robinson at PMW on movie night. 
(14) The proud papa with Cooper (left) and Marston 
at Cooper's graduation from Ojai Valley School. 


n 


z 
© 
o : 
Ы: š 
E 
n 


1109 ƏuBo|o5u0s191S:AAWA 
AL OO ` 

91001 AN HOA MIN ONT SA ALON, A- y 

"we 


Y 


CLUB 


PLAYBOY CLUB CALENDAR 
MODEL SEARCH 


MISS PLAYBOY CLUB JUNE 


CALENDAR GIRL DATA SHEET 

Name: Amber Nichole Wood ° Las Vegas 
Bust: 34 C waist: 29 Hips: 39: 
Height: 9% weight: 125 
Birth Date: December 5, ITFA 0 
Turn-ons: sche, tattoos, ° 


sense of humor 


Turn-offs: _nipple hair, back acne, | 
halitosis 


MISS PLAYBOY CLUB JULY 


CALENDAR GIRL DATA SHEET 


Name: Harmony Moniz «Las Vegas 


Height: _ 98% weight; MO — 
Birth Date: _ August 8, 4880 | — — 
Turn-ons: nice smile, great abs, ambition, 

unique style, good hygiene and intelligence 
Turn-offs: _cockyness, laziness, liars, 


EN and vacism 


REGISTER INSIDE PLAYBOY CLUB OR ONLINE AT 


Winner is chosen at Playboy Club on the last Sunday of each month * Must be present to win 
PLAYBOY, Rabbit Head Design and the Playboy Club are trademarks of Playboy and used under license by the Palms. 


PALMS CASINO RESORT 


FOR TICKETS AND INFORMATION: N9NEGROUP.COM | TABLE RESERVATIONS: TABLES@9GROUPVEGAS.COM | 702.942.6832 
JOIN THE PALMS NIGHTLIFE VIP MOBILE: TEXT 9GRP ТО 95959 TO SUBSCRIBE | ROOM RESERVATIONS: PALMS.COM 1 1.866.942.7770 


WHAT LIES AHEAD 

Reza Aslan is right when he says global- 
ization is transforming our national con- 
sclousness (“A World Without Borders,” 
Future Tense, July/August), though it will 
likely take many more generations for 
globalism to conquer nationalism. At the 
same time, it’s hard to believe “more pri- 
mal markers of identity” such as religion 
or ethnicity will necessarily “fill the vac- 
uum.” After all, as Margaret Atwood notes 
in “The Age ofthe Bottleneck,” genuinely 
new markers such as scientific rationality 
and individualism have often appeared 
during crucial periods. Instead of seeing 
a surge in religious fanaticism, we may be 
surprised to find our waning national sen- 
timents replaced with a sense of solidarity 
rooted in the pragmatic recognition that 
21st century problems can no longer be 
solved by mere nation-states—not even 
the mighty United States. Granted, the 
rise of what I call “global imaginary”—a 
sense of a thickening world community— 
may be too slow to save us from ourselves. 
And yet, like Edwidge Danticat (“A Vul- 
nerable World”), I take comfort that there 
is already “a bit of every culture in every 
place.” Globalization entails great risks 
but also holds out the hope that more 
and more people will realize the folly of 
national borders and ethnic divides. 

Manfred Steger 
Melbourne, Australia 

Steger, director of the Globalism Research 
Center at RMIT University, is author of The 
Rise of the Global Imaginary and Globalism: 
The New Market Ideology. 


In “The New American Diplomacy,” 
Ishmael Reed implies, based on a few 
extreme anecdotes, that anyone who dis- 
agrees with our flawlessly diplomatic and 
cosmopolitan president must be a racist, 
antiscience, Bible-thumping, secession- 
ist, Fox News-watching Neanderthal. 
According to this logic, if 300,000 people 
attend a rally and one brainwashed child 
wears a racist T-shirt, the entire group is 
bigoted and their opinions invalid. This 
type of rhetoric is one reason our coun- 
try is so bitterly divided. 

Brett Bohanon 
Lakeland, Florida 


Future Tense contains a big hole: the 
future of music. I’m not saying the topic 
is as urgent as the future of oil, but if Ben 
Silverman can pontificate on the future of 
TV, why not have Henry Rollins or Tom 
Morello examine the prospect of cryogen- 
ically freezing the Rolling Stones? 

Travis Raymond 
Lorain, Ohio 


PENETRATING QUESTIONS 

We hope both women and men benefit 
from your detailed report The Case of the 
Missing G-Spot and Other Mysteries of Female 
Sexuality (July/August). However, we would 
like to correct two errors. You write that 
Beverly Whipple and John Perry studied 


The Dial Is Turned 


It seems pitchman Billy Mays, who 
died unexpectedly at the age of 50 
while your profile of him (Hi, I’m Billy 
Mays, July/August) was on newsstands, 
is the latest victim of a “PLAYBOY curse.” 
John Lennon (Playboy Interview, Janu- 
ary 1981), Chris Farley (20Q, Sep- 
tember 1997) and publisher Robert 
Maxwell (Playboy Interview, October 
1991) all died soon after being inter- 
viewed for the magazine. 

Michael Plourde 
Edmundston, New Brunswick 

Considering the thousands of people we 
have profiled or interviewed over the past 
55 years, four does not a curse make. In 
fact, the odds are far better that appearing 
in PLAYBOY keeps you around. 


400 women who “said they expelled fluid 
at orgasm.” Actually, their team examined 
400 women to determine if they had any 
particularly sensitive areas inside their 
vagina; every woman did, in the anterior 
wall. Later, you discuss research we and our 
colleagues conducted at Rutgers in which 
our team scanned the brains of volunteers 
as they experienced orgasm. You say we 
identified “distinct cognitive responses” 
created by stimulating the clitoris, G-spot 
or cervix or by fantasy alone. In fact, we 
found that most of the same areas of the 
brain are activated regardless of the source 
of pleasure. Women do report a different 
sensory quality from orgasms by clitoral or 
vaginal stimulation, probably because the 
clitoris is innervated chiefly by the puden- 
dal nerve, the vagina by the pelvic nerve 
and the cervix by the hypogastic, pelvic 
and vagus nerves. Only the vagus bypasses 
the spinal cord, which may explain how 
women with complete spinal cord injury 
can still experience orgasm. 

Beverly Whipple 

Barry Komisaruk 

Newark, New Jersey 

Whipple and Komisaruk are among the 

co-authors of The Science of Orgasm and, 
most recently, The Orgasm Answer Guide. 


Your article notes I suggested as part 
of my doctoral research that the G-spot 
be renamed the G-crest. I have since con- 
cluded that calling the area anything other 
than the female prostate perpetuates igno- 
rance in the medical and scientific commu- 
nity. In fact, the search for “magic spots” on 
the female body hampers the things that will 
improve women’s sexual health and enjoy- 
ment—education, erotic self-awareness and 
better communication. This is an important 
discussion because many people are expe- 
riencing the hell of sexual “problems” that 


didn’t exist before the late 1960s, when 
Masters and Johnson presented their nar- 
row, outdated paradigm of female sexual 
response. My colleagues and I have done 
considerable research into the concept of 
expanded orgasm, which includes full- 
body and/or extended climax. 
Gary Schubach 
Maui, Hawaii 
Schubach’s website, doctorg.com, includes 
more on this discussion, including Dr. Ernst 
Gräfenberg’s 1950 paper. And science marches 
on. In May, shortly before we went to press, two 
French doctors presented further evidence that 
the G-spot and the clitoris may be one and the 
same. Writing in The Journal of Sexual Medi- 
cine, they note that sonographs of five 34-year-old 


The G-spot: another way to ring her bell? 


volunteers taken as each squeezed her taint and 
pressed a finger against her self-identified G-spot 
revealed a “close relationship” between the lower 
anterior vaginal wall and the root of the clit. The 
G-spot, they conclude, could well be the “richly 
innervated” clitoris as it’s stimulated by the pres- 
sure of penetration and muscular contractions. 


MIRKO ILIC 


15 


In “The Female Orgasm: Why 
Bother?” you share a number of hypoth- 
eses about why women climax. Consid- 
ering orgasm in strictly reproductive 
terms, it's unlikely a female, once she 
has chosen a mate, will become pregnant 
from a single encounter. Could it be that 
a female who consistently reaches climax 
demonstrates she is having a good time, 
thus encouraging her partner to have 
sex with her again? Also, if the female 
shows signs of satisfaction, the male will 
be less likely to tell her other potential 
mates that she’s a cold fish. This could 
explain why women are willing to feed 
the male ego by faking climax. 

Darrell Lutz 
Kansas City, Kansas 


The only hypothesis that makes sense 
is one that posits the female orgasm as 
a mechanism that encourages women 
to seek a variety of partners. Enhanced 
communication among humans through 
touch and pleasure allowed for an 
increase in the size of the female brain’s 
pleasure centers and made women more 
promiscuous, which provided more 
genetic variety. Female choice and grati- 
fication made the human race what it 
is—end of argument. 

Karl Burkhalter 
Folsom, Louisiana 


HIP ENOUGH TO KNOW BETTER 

My wife finds it telling that I bombed 
identifying the first lines of famous 
novels in your What’s Your HQ? quiz (July/ 
August) but went four for four matching 
celebrities to their breasts. However, you 
blew it on question five, in which you 
claim a flush beats a full house in Texas 
Hold’em. That’s not true unless you’re 
talking about a straight or royal flush. If 
you’d like to play poker under your hip- 
quotient rules, deal me in. 

David Nikithser 
Fieldsboro, New Jersey 

You’re right, of course. We also mixed 
up two of the Jordan sneakers. Further, one 
could argue that the Green Bay Packers did 
not win the first Super Bowl in 1967 because 
at the time the contest was known as the 
AFL vs. NFL World Championship Game. 
Plus, Johnny Cash never served prison time, 
though he did spend a night in jail on seven 
occasions during his amphetamine years. 
And it’s doubtful reporter Inga Arvad was 
a Nazi spy—the FBI tailed her in the early 
1940s because she had interviewed Adolf 
Hitler years earlier. There is no question her 
brief affair with JFK ended in 1942, well 
before his presidency. 


I spent 30 minutes taking the quiz, and 
then found it has no rating system. How 
am I supposed to know how hip I am? 

Edward Gottschalk 
Austin, Texas 

As a great philosopher once noted, hipness 

lies in the journey, not the destination. 


HOT FICTION 
As a longtime Ray Bradbury fan (my 
son and I had a chance to meet him in 
1991 at the Miami Book Fair), I loved 
seeing and reading the graphic noveliza- 
tion of Fahrenheit 451 (July/August). 
Bill Iglehart 
Plantation, Florida 


HERE’S TO SUMMER 
Although the women you feature are 
always of the highest caliber, the literature 
is my favorite part of PLAYBOY, and your 
summer double issue (July/August) con- 
tains page after page of great reading. 
M.P. Morin 
Muskoka Lakes, Ontario 


The double issue is a treasured pleasure. 
And so is Olivia Munn (“Queen of Conver- 
gence,” Future Tense). 

Peter Wicklein 
Silver Spring, Maryland 


Monica Hansen: when Norway and Brazil collide. 


Congratulations to Keith Lander for 
his captivating and creative photos of 
Monica Hansen (Monica, July/August). 

Roy and Nora Adams 
Northport, New York 


CALLING DR. SPOCK 
The worst thing for Alec Baldwin about 
calling his daughter a “thoughtless little 
pig” on a voice-mail message isn’t the 
impact it had on his child but “the way 
it touched the people who parent their 
kids” (Playboy Interview, July/August)? A 
parenting book from this narcissist is 
about the last thing this depraved world 
needs, short of him running for office. 
S.W. Stanton 
Lafayette, Louisiana 


As a fan of the wacky Baldwin brothers 
(less so of Stephen since finding out 
what a reactionary he is), I appreciate 
your “Band of Baldwins” roundup. I'm 
relieved to learn my favorite Baldwin— 
the actor Adam—is unrelated. 

Rick Jerome 
Denver, Colorado 


E-mail via the web at LETTERS.PLAYBOY.COM Or write: 680 NORTH LAKE SHORE DRIVE, CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 60611 


SAVOR STOLI RESPONSIBLY. STOLICHNAYA® Vodka. Product of Russia. 40% Alc/Vol. Distilled from grain. ©2009 William Grant & Sons, Inc. New York, NY. 


A] 


6 
STOLICHNAY; 


Ps IMPORTED RUSSIAN VODKA 


Millionaire Contest 


Win a chance to play for 
and the trip of a lifetime to Las Vegas. 


Imagine yourself and your three best friends flying out to Las Vegas and 
staying at the Palms Resort and Casino. 


Now imagine partying with Playboy Playmates at the Playboy 
Club and playing for $1,000,000! 


> Enter the Macanudo EE Contest and it all could come true. 
Pick up a 4-Pack or go to V macanudomillionaire.com for details. 
Everything you need to know to win is on the site. Good luck! 


NO PURCHASE OR PAYMENT IS NECESSARY. ABBREVIATED RULES. Contest runs 12:00:01 PM EST 9/9/09 through 11:59:59 AM EST on 10/31/09. 
To enter, create an original essay telling why you deserve the ultimate buddy trip to Las Vegas including a cigar smoking experience using Sponsor's 
products and submit your essay and all required information at www.macanudomillionaire.com. Essay must be in English and must be 100-200 words. 
You may also upload a photo or video to help illustrate your story, but it will not be factored in judging or determining the winner. Contest is 
STEHE residents of the 50 United States and D.C. who are twenty-one (21) years of age or older at the time of submission. Void outside of the 50 
United States, D.C., and wherever prohibited. Entries will be judged on: creativity of overall story (40%); conveyance of the cigar smoking experience 
(40%); and relevance to Macanudo (20%). One (1) Grand Prize: A 3-day/2-night trip for 4 to Las Vegas, Nevada and one (1) opportunity to play one 
(1) spin of a roulette wheel for *S1 million dollars (payable as a 20- year anniy int атш of 550.000 por yoan). ARV: up to $1,010,000.00. Trip to 
Las Vegas, NV must be taken on dates designated by Sponsor, which is currently scheduled for 12/11/09 - 12/13/09. Subject to Official Rules 
available at www.macanudomillionaire.com. SPONSOR: General Cigar Co., Inc., 7300 Beaufont Springs Drive, Suite 400, Richmond, VA 23225 


PLAYBOY, Rabbit Head Design, PLAYMATE and PLAYBOY CLUB are trademarks of Playboy 
and used with permission by General Cigar Co, Inc. Playboy is not a sponsor of this contest. 


SURGEON GENERAL WARNING: Cigar 


Smoking Can Cause Cancers Of The Mouth 
And Throat, Even If You Do Not Inhale. 


www.cigarworld.com © 2009 General Cigar Co., Inc. 


PLAYBOY AFTERHOURS 


BECOMING ATTRACTION 


A fondness for lace and a 
feminine manner—those are 
the only similarities we can 
see between Liberace, the 
outré ivory tickler, and Elle 
Liberachi, the heart-stopping 
British model. A consensus 
“next big thing” among lin- 
gerie catwalkers, Elle has 
demonstrated the wares of 
La Perla and Agent Provoca- 
teur. “Т really love Brazilian 
lingerie,” she says. “It seems 
to fit my body shape perfectly, 
and the cut behind makes 
my bum look peachy.” Yes, 
delicious. Are the come- 
hither photos in lingerie cat- 
alogs meant for women or 
men? “When I shoot, I'm 
trying to seduce a woman," 
she says. "If I can impress 
her, then she'll impress her 
man for me. That's when I 
know I've done a good job." 


AFTER HOURS MA B holding court 


Prepare yourself for a full-court press of LeBron James promotion. This month 
the Cleveland Cavalier becomes America's highest-profile athlete. His book, 
Shooting Stars, was just published (LeBron admits he smoked a joint once!), 
and his documentary, More Than a 
Game, hits theaters on October 2. 
(It's about “using the game of 
basketball to create a friendship, 

4 ES to create brotherhood,” says the 
a, star forward. No pot, though.) Stay 

tuned for Nike's Air Max LeBron 
^ Ahead 37 Miles ! VII. There are LB action figures, a 
IR: Powerade flavor, children's books, 

4 pr ; 2. | 9' even an official auto dealership. 

i = ii Ж id Р ? Наа enough LeBron jammed down 
: ' І your throat? Витог has it Burger 

=> King will release a LeBron-branded 
breakfast burrito. 


E БҮ Lp, 


ANCHO 
BROT "HEL 


a few good men 


American Gigolo 


street style 


Iconic British sportswear brand Fred 
Perry is celebrating the centennial of its 
founder's birthday by championing the 
classic mod style originated by natty 
Brits who prowled the streets on 
scooters in the 1960s. The 
company is offering slim- 

fitting clothes straight out of 

the Who's Quadrophenia, 

and it has also rolled out a 
Perry-branded Vespa. 

Three limited-edition 

shirts were inspired by the 
sharp-dressing ska leg- 

ends the Specials. Bonus: 

This month Perry offers a 

Raf Simons-designed suit 

modeled after an original 

worn by Fred Perry (the 
three-time Wimbledon 

champ) back in 1947. Info at 
fredperry100years.com. 


and...cut! 
freak show 


Get Your Voodoo On The oddest of cultural trends: Butchers are now 


For the freakiest Halloween of > “у š sexy. A man who masters the art of butchery 
your life, head down to the Big Y SS can make a woman melt like a hunk of butter on 
Easy for the Voodoo Experience, a: 4 \ а sizzling tenderloin. We sought ап explanation 
the coolest music weekend Nx. » from Jessica Applestone, co-owner of Fleisher's 
in the country right now. The í кы Grass-Fed and Organic Meats in Kingston, New 
weather's cool, the Mardi Gras j y York, which offers a popular eight-week butcher's 
crowds are gone, and the party j ES: apprenticeship. "My husband can cut up a pig in 
is as weird and decadent as it i E less than a minute” she 
gets. This year's lineup is the À : ты” says. "It's amazingly 
best ever: Eminem, Kiss, the qa ТЕ = sexy.” Restaurants across 
Pogues, Jane's Addiction, the -- N L > жы. the country аге catching 
Flaming Lips, the Black Keys.... N. „А Ж M on; the Brooklyn Kitchen 
Sleep in a cemetery, then 7% - di қ іп New York (featuring 
have beers for breakfast at 1 WE cult-status cleaver Tom 
Lafitte's Blacksmith Shop. Tix y ^ > a е P Mylan) and Fatted Calf 
at thevoodooexperience.com. ; y 4 OS Charcuterie in Napa Val- 


ley both offer classes. 


SPECIAL 
EXTENSION 
OFFER 


CLICK HERE 


To extend your 
Playboy Digital 
subscription! 


CLICK HERE 


To extend your PLAYBOY DIGITAL 
Subscription! 


VLADIMIR NABOKOV 


k жы, ie ara 


lit 
Cover Story 


In one of the most ambitious 
repackagings of an author's 
oeuvre, Vintage Books is offering 
a catalog of nearly two dozen 
Vladimir Nabokov works with 
new covers by such notable fig- 
ures as Dave Eggers (who 
designed Laughter in the Dark) 
and book-design whiz Chip Kidd. 
The books look as though they're 
inside insect display boxes— 
fittingly, since Nabokov was a 
butterfly freak. The first have just 
been released: Invitation to a 
Beheading, Pale Fire, Pnin and 
Speak, Memory. Stay tuned for a 
dynamite excerpt from a never- 
before-published Nabokov novel 
in PLAYBoY's December issue. 


VLADIMIR NABOKOV 


In 


"б, 
hu 
Gibbs 


VLADIMIR 


NABOKOV 


VLADIMIR NABOKOV 


FYI 


Coming to your town soon: the 
cocaine torch. Cops in England 
are using an ultraviolet flash- 
light that, when shined on or in 
your nose, makes microscopic 
particles of cocaine appear 
bright green. You haven’t been 
snorting? Tell it to the judge. 


9) 


drink of the month 


Somewhere between a dive bar and an uptight mixology mecca lies a new hybrid we'll call the 
hard-boiled hot spot, where retro chic meets sophisticated drinks and ladies. We're anointing 
West Hollywood's new Roger Room on La Cienega as the embodiment of this brand of red- 
blooded swillery. Formerly the Coronet Pub, an after-work spot for strippers from nearby babe 
emporiums, the Roger Room is the work of hotelier Sean MacPherson. Yes, lovely go-go danc- 
ers still show up after dark. Here's a taste from the bar menu, a drink called the Thug. “It's 
based on the pre-Prohibition cocktail craze,” says co-owner Jared Meisler, who created the 
sipper, “back when people called each other doll, babe, grifter, thug.” 


2 parts Maker’s 
Mark bourbon 


1 part Bärenjäger 
honey liqueur 

1 part fresh 
lemon juice 

2-4 dashes 
habanero bitters 


(infuse any brand 
of bitters with two 
quartered habanero 
peppers and let sit 
overnight) 

Shake with ice and 
strain into a rocks 
glass with fresh ice. 


RER VU 


AFTER REVIEWS 


Movie of the Month 
Shutter 
Island 


By Stephen Rebello 


Martin Scorsese's return to shock- 
and-awe mode in his new film, 
Shutter Island, will be welcome 
news to some moviegoers. The 
Oscar-winning director's first stab 
at a psychological thriller since 
Cape Fear is based on the novel 
by Dennis Lehane (who wrote 
Mystic River). Scorsese's adapta- 
tion sends 1950s U.S. marshals 
Leonardo DiCaprio and Mark Ruf- 
falo to isolated, fortress-like Shut- 
ter Island, site of a sinister hospi- 
tal for the criminally insane, where 
a dangerous escaped murderess 
may be lurking during a hurricane. Wheth- 
er or not the movie plays like "Gothika 
meets Memento,” as one Hollywood pro- 
ducer puts it, there's little doubt audi- 


FLESH FOR 


ences are in for a wild Gothic ride, thanks 
to the surreal dream sequences, shadowy 
characters and whopper of a plot twist. 
Star Emily Mortimer told a British jour- 


nalist, "What's weird is 1 spend my whole 
life terrified I'm going to go mad, and 
then when I'm called upon to actually go 
mad, I found it very difficult.” 


How much of Megan Fox's heavenly body will be on display in Jennifer's Body? The Transformers scorcher 
plays a cannibalistic demon-possessed cheerleader in the new horror comedy, but don't get your hopes up 


about seeing her pom-poms—tragically, she has not appeared nude іп any of her films despite the obvious 


FANTASY: 


Michelle Williams has grown up in all 
the right places since we watched her 
kicking around with the rest of the cool 
kids on Dawson's Creek. She was even 
nominated for an Oscar for her role 
opposite then-beau Heath Ledger in 
Brokeback Mountain (pictured), in which 
she plays a frazzled wife struggling to 
cope with her husband's duplicitous sex 
life. Will Michelle cause temperatures to 
rise again in Martin Scorsese's Shutter 


Island? It's up to you, Marty. 


DVDs of 
the Month 


Women wanted to be 
with Paul Newman; 
men wanted to be him. 
And why not? The actor 
known for his legend- 
ary performances, his 
car-racing career, his 
amazing salad dress- 
ing and his philan- 
thropy is gone, but his 
legacy lives on in Paul 
Newman: The Tribute 
Collection, released in 
honor of the 40th an- 
niversary of the classic 
Butch Cassidy and the 
Sundance Kid. That film 
gets the special-edition 
treatment, as do The 
Hustler, The Verdict and 
The Towering Inferno. 
The 13 movies in this 
17-disc boxed set give 
Newman newbies an 
introduction to a few of 
his lesser-known gems 
and longtime fans a 
chance to remember 
some favorite films (The 
Long Hot Summer, Rally 


demand. Still, rumor has it Fox and Amanda Seyfried (Mamma Mia!) have a best-friends lesbian moment in 
the R-rated flick scripted by Diablo Cody (Juno), so there’s some potential for cheap thrills yet. 


Round the Flag, Boys!, Exodus and Hombre). Best extra: an impressive 
136-page coffee-table book with never-before-seen photos, movie ex- 
cerpts and quotes from the man himself. УУУУ —Stacie Hougland 


p Read more at playboy.com/entertainment. 


For Screens and Video Vist WWW.BATMANARKHAMASYLUM.COM 


PSZ. % 


y 
PLAYSTATION.3 PlayStationsNetwork 


We, rocksteady” Eidos 


BATMAN: ARKHAM ASYLUM™ Software © 2009 Eidos Interactive Ltd. Developed by Rocksteady Studios Ltd. Co-published by Eidos, Inc. and Warner Bros. Interactive Entertainment, a division of 
Warner Bros. Home Entertainment Inc. Rocksteady and the Rocksteady logo are trademarks of Rocksteady Studios Ltd. Eidos and the Eidos logo are trademarks of Eidos Interactive Ltd. All rights 
ассо Reference | > УІ PlayStation" and the "PS" Family logo are registered trademarks and "PS3” is a trademark of Sony Computer Entertainment Inc. The PlayStation Network Logo is a service mark of Sony 
Computer Entertainment Inc. Microsoft, Windows, the Windows Vista Start button, Xbox, Xbox 360, Xbox LIVE, and the Xbox logos are trademarks of the Microsoft group of companies, and ‘Games 
for Windows' and the Windows Vista Start button logo are used under license from Microsoft. The Rating Icon is a registered trademark of the Entertainment Software Association. 


es for Windows e f XBOX 360 LIVE 


Mild Language < BATMAN and all characters, their distinctive likenesses, and related elements are trademarks of DC Comics © 2009. All Rights Reserved 


Suggestive Themes ® we LOGO, WB SHIELD: ™ & ° Warner Bros. Entertainment Inc. 
(599) 


BANL lC REVIEWS 


Game of the Month 
The Beatles: 
Rock Band 


The Beatles’ journey from “I Want to Hold 
Your Hand" to “Let It Be" in seven years is 
legend. Now you can experience this trans- 
formation from the inside without leaving 
your living room. The Beatles: Rock Band 
(560 to $250, 360, PS3) sets new stan- 
dards for authenticity and visual repre- 
sentation thanks to never-before-heard in- 
studio banter among the Fab Four, as well 
as CG fantasias that depict the band's early 
years and psychedelic explorations, with 
audio mixed by Giles Martin (son of legend- 
ary Beatles producer Sir George Martin). In 
addition to playing drums, guitar and bass, 
you can plug in three mikes to re-create the 
band's signature harmonies. Here comes 
the fun. ¥¥¥¥ —Scott Alexander 


Alice in Chains Reloaded 


Alice in Chains sold 17 million records with 
Layne Staley, the frontman who died of a 
heroin overdose in 2002. Now the band re- 
turns with Black Gives Way to Blue, featur- 
ing new vocalist William DuVall (pictured) 
harmonizing with guitarist and songwriter 
Jerry Cantrell. “What the 
fuck do you get into a 
band for,” says Cantrell, 
“if not to make great mu- 
sic and take it as far as 
you can? That's the goal, 
or at least it was for me. 
But in Seattle, being suc- 
cessful was like a bad 
thing. If you look at the 
reality, it was a bad thing 
for some people, includ- 
ing Layne—and Kurt Co- 
bain and Andrew Wood. 
I'm proud of what went 
down, but I miss allthose 
guys. But that's part of 
life: People die. We have a finite existence. 
It's also important for us to remember 
we're still here, and we have a lot of great 


When Mother Love 
Bone's Andrew 
Wood diedin1990, 
the core members 
found a fit with 
new singer Eddie 
Vedder (pictured). 
They changed the 
band's name to 

and the rest is history. 


music in us.” Proof of that is on the LP. 
Churning, seasick guitar riffs alternate with 
contemplative Jar of Flies-like sounds; lyr- 
ics explore death, self-doubt and isolation; 
Elton John turns up to play piano on the 
title song, a Staley tribute. In short, Black 


Gives Way to Blue is Alice in Chains's Back 
in Black. For those about to rock—again— 
we salute you. yyyy —Tim Mohr 


Bon Scott of 


(ШЙ 


ТПА 


Іп the пем Ѕип- 
dance Channel 
series Brick City, 
filmmakers 
Marc Levin and 
Mark Benjamin 
merge docu- 
mentary with 
the narrative 
structure of scripted TV to come up with 
a five-episode show that uses real peo- 
ple in real high-stakes drama. Newark 
mayor Cory Booker (pictured) tries to 
resurrect Brick City from a gang-infest- 
ed disaster area to a model of urban 
renewal. Other characters include New- 
ark police chief Garry McCarthy; Jayda, 
a pregnant Bloods gang girl; and her 
boyfriend, Creep, a Crips member. Says 
executive producer Forest Whitaker, 
“South Central, East St. Louis, West 
Memphis—it's all the same. This is the 
forgotten America, and it’s time to tell 
their story.” УУУУ —Richard Stratton 


Even a reality-TV 


died in 1980 after 
the release of the 
breakthrough LP 
Highway to Hell. 
With Brian Johnson 
on the mike, the 
band returned with 
Back in Black— 


the best-selling rock al- 
bum of all time. 


Afterfrontman Phil 
Lynott's death in 
1986, 

(pictured) retooled 
itself as a glori- 
fied tribute band, 
at times sharing a 
stage with actual 


tribute bands such as Ain't 
Lizzy and Limehouse Lizzy. 


< 


Ф 
Má 


competitiontofind 
a new lead singer 
couldn't drum 
up interest in a 
version of 

without Michael 
Hutchence,whose 
fame had tran- 


scended the band's music by 
the time of his 1997 death. 


THE 
GLENLIVET 


GT 
ORIGINALITY COMES 


TO SOME 


| 
| 


[ ] 
MORE NATURALLY. 


E THE 
x GLENLIVET. 


NON-CH 11 


THE SINGLE MALT THAT STARTED IT ALL! 


ENJOY OUR QUALITY RESPONSIBLY. 
Tue GLENLiver® NADURRA® 16 Year Old Single Malt Scotch Whisky 53% Alc./Vol.- 60% Ale./Vol. (106 Proof to 120 Proof).©2009 Imported by The Glenlivet Distilling Company, Purchase, NY. 


Playboy TV 


Many have daydreamed 
about owning their own 
strip club, but it happened 
to Adam Gentile. He con- 
vinced his father, Dominic, 
to give him the reins of 
the declining Palomino 
in Las Vegas. One of 
Dominic's conditions was 
that Adam had to run it 
with his mother, Michelle. 
Playboy TV partnered with 
Leslie Greif (the execu- 
tive producer of Gene 
Simmons Family Jew- 
els) to get it all on video. 
Follow Adam, his family 
and employees (that guy 
on the right is the lucky 
bathroom attendant) as 
they try to turn an old 
Rat Pack hangout into the 
sexiest joint on the Strip. 
King of Clubs airs Friday 
nights on Playboy TV. 


Tune in on Playboy: com 


Perhaps nothing tells you more 
about a musician than his record 
collection. So we asked some of 
our favorite artists to choose 
one song that influenced them— 
or that they just really dig—and 
perform an exclusive acoustic 
cover of it for Playboy.com's 


Uncovered video series, pre- 
sented by Southern Comfort. 
Artists range from Dinosaur 
Jr. and Drive-By Truckers to 
Jet and Hoobastank. Above, 
3 Doors Down performs Bon 
Jovi's “Wanted Dead or Alive,” 
a classic the band has rocked 
a million faces with on its own. 
On a steel horse they ride? Try 
three tour buses. Look and listen 
at playboy.com/uncovered. 


Are you in college and fancy yourself a fiction writer? Do you 
intend to become the next Norman Mailer or John Updike? 
If so, we're giving you a shot at $3,000 and a chance to 
be published in the same pages we printed those legend- 
ary authors. The 2010 PLAYBoY College Fiction Contest is 
accepting submissions. Go to playboy.com/cfc for details. 


WI f 
` Y 2 | 
i a HER 


No radio variety es: 


show is more time- 
honored than 
NPR's PrairieHome 
Companion, and 
the time is ripe for 
parody. Playboy _ # 
Radio's new show і 
A Playboy Home 
Companion willfea- 
ture a drama with 
Deanna Brooks, a \ 
duet with Broadway 777 


aN 
Nel 
IN 


« 
creating the tap routine 
that got her hired for 
a Beach Boys tour, 
the Shannon twins 
' reciting the poem 
“The Song of Hia- 
6, watha” and the debut 
+ of the Playmate 
Dance Team. Lake 
Wobegon never 
looked bet- 
ter. Tune 


to Sirius 3 
star Michael Lee and a = Channel 99 v 


Playmate, Playboy Radio 
host Tiffany Granath re- 


for exact dates 
and time. Лу 


ADVERTORIAL 


AXE 
HA¿R CRISIS 
RELIEF 


HAR wo PLAYBOY 


ARE TEAMING UP ON CAMPUSES ACR0SS 
THE COUNTRY. IS YOURS ON THE LIST? 


TO ENTER YOUR SCHOOL INTO THE SWEEPSTAKES. 


GO TO 


Y0U could be remembered as the guy who brought a Playboy 
hosted by to YOUR campus. 


AXE HAIR.IS COMING TO А CAMPUS NEAR YOU! 
LP COMBAT THE GROWING EPIDEMIC OF BAD HAIR AMONG GUYS, AXE HAIR WILL 


TO HE 
NVERTING LOCAL BARBERSHOPS INTO HAIR CRISIS RELIEF CENTERS WHERE 


BE CO Я 
САМ GET FREE HAIRCUTS, SHAMPOO, AND PROFESSIONAL STYLING FOR GIRL 


GUYS 

APPROVED 
FIND YOUR LOCAL HAJR.C 
SEE MORE OF MALLORY ATP 


AXE HAIR CRISIS RELIEF Tour Dates* 


9/9 - 9/13 
9/14 - 9/18 
9/28 - 10/2 
9/28 - 10/2 
10/5 - 10/9 
10/5 - 10/9 
10/7 - 10/11 
10/14 - 10/18 
10/14 - 10/18 
10/14 - 10/18 
10/26 - 10/30 
10/30 - 10/31 
11/2 - 11/6 
11/2 - 11/6 
11/11 - 11/15 
11/11 - 11/15 


HAIR WITH HELP FROM PLAYBOY'S CAMPUS CUTIE MALLORY ADAMS 
RISIS RELIEF CENTER AND 
LAYBOY.COM/CAMPUSCUTIE 


© 2009 Playboy. NO PURCHASE NECESSARY TO ENTER. Open to legal U.S. residents who are 21 years of age or older at the time of entry (void in Puerto Rico). Sweepstakes ends Sunday 9/27 at 11:59pm ET. 
Void where prohibited. Subject to complete Official Rules found at http://www.playboy.com/campuscutie 


essen 6060266 YYYYY i 


_RAW DATA | 


ODD STAT OF THE 


Married men who sat- 
isfy their wives’ expec- 
tations of completing 


MEN AGE 18 TOO | 7 
44.8% HAVE туе | 7:7: 
WORKED APA. E U" 
VIBRATOR. s-a NES 


MEN USE A a 


eeu WHAT AW ERN FORMEN 
Cost of a Baby Face facial THINKING | | DURINGITHEI 7 
at Townhouse Spa in New == | EVERYDAY GROOM. 
York City. It uses Spermine, ACCORDING TO | ; : ING ROUTINES: a 


a synthetic anfi- WOMEN’S HEALTH, 2 IN 5 

oxidant mod-), » 

eled after human \ WOMEN “FANTASIZE Pin THE NUMBER OF STATES 

sperm that sup- | ABOUT BEING HAND- Ho THAT REQUIRE “NEU- 

posedly dimin- CUFFED TO THE 3 xd TRAL FACIAL EXPRES- 
HEADBOARD.” Be SIONS” AND PROHIBIT 


+ Жж. 


ishes wrinkles. In a ~ 


your face. | — EXCESSIVE SMILING IN 
ШЕ: DRIVER'S LICENSE PHOTOS: 4 (AR- 
So far 241 convicted crisminals KANSAS, INDIANA, NEVADA, VIRGINIA). 


in the United States have been 
exonerated through DNA 
testing. Of those, 17 had 


ABOUT30%OF ALL 
MEN—MARRIED AND 
XPOYICH SINGLE—WHO TAKE s 

№: | 
N 


\\ 


SWIMMERS. 
OF PEEING | 
IN THEM, 


EQUI NOT THE FATHER OF A 
CHILD THEY THOUGHT 
WAS THEIRS. 


TORINO HEISMAN ULTIMATUM BROWSER 


zs MANTRACK 


CARS :: SCENT :: TIME 


Imagine an automobile that’s smarter than its driver 


Ever since Knight Rider's Knight Industry 2000 (a.k.a. KITT), we've been waiting for a car with artificial intelligence. Mercedes-Benz's new 
E-class coupe comes the closest thus far, making it the smartest thing on four wheels. After driving it you feel as though it could lecture 
you on Goethe and perform surgery. The base model E350 has a 3.5-liter V6, but you should opt forthe E550 with a 5.5-liter 382 bhp V8 
(about $58,000). Tested on Nevada roads, the 2+2 cornered savagely and sprinted to 60 mph in 5.3 seconds. Here's a blow-by-blow of its 
brainpower: (1) Blind Spot Assist: Radar alerts you to cars in your blind spots after you hit your blinker. (2) Attention Assist: Sensors moni- 
tor steering, brakes, etc., to tell if you're asleep or driving erratically (i.e., drunk) and warn you with an alarm and a coffee cup icon on the 
dashboard. (3) Lane Departure Warning System: Cameras detect line markings and recognize unintentional drifts, cautioning you with 
a steering wheel vibration that mimics pavement rumble strips. (4) Night View Assist: A night-vision-like system spots hidden hazards 
and pedestrians even when it's pitch-black or raining. (5) Adaptive High Beam Assist: High beams automatically adjust if radar detects 
oncoming cars. How far off are we from a fully robotic automobile that drives itself as you sip champagne? Stay tuned. 


Time Machine 


Fact: Most objects can be im- 
proved by making them look 
more like the dash of a 1970s 
muscle car. Proof: Urwerk's 
UR-CC1 (urwerk.com). But 
while it may look funky on 
the outside, this time teller 
is no gimmick—behind the 
scenes it runs with the self- 
winding precision of a Rolex. 
Which may go some way toward 
explaining its $278,000 price. 


Eau de Couture 


It's really no surprise to find 
that Ermenegildo Zegna's 
impeccable taste extends 
to fragrance as well as 
threads. Zegna Colonia 
(S50 to $70) melds a clas- 
sic bergamot base with a 
bright citrus front note and 
cardamom on the back end 
to calm things down. Slap 
some on your wrists, and 
she’ll want to smell you a 
second (and a 17th) time. 


Zegna Colonia 


32 


In 1959 Olympus put our jaw on the floor with the Pen, a great-Looking and afford- 
able compact camera that produced pro-level results. Fifty years later the com- 
pany has done it again. The Pen E-P1 (S800, getolympus.com) uses Olympus's 
new Micro Four Thirds lens system to cram a full-size digital SLR (with inter- 
changeable lenses and the ability to shoot 720p video) into a camera the size of a 
sleek, classically styled point-and-shoot. Our jaw can't take much more of this. 


Hack Your Life: Internet Anywhere 


If you live in Minneapolis or Philadelphia, you're familiar with the 
joys of citywide Wi-Fi. The rest of us, not so much. Smart phones 
can surf the Net, but for us a three-inch screen just doesn't cut it. 
For laptop-level Internet wherever you go, first check if your phone 
and provider allow cell-phone “tethering,” which Lets your computer 
piggyback on your phone connection. Many BlackBerry and Nokia 


Have Deck, 
Will Travel 


A skateboard will get you 
around town, but it isn't 
much help if you’re trying 
to get to, say, Shanghai. 
When you need to make 
an intercontinental ollie, 
you’re better off packing 
Incase's Skate Bag ($260, 
goincase.com). Designed 
in association with skate 
pro Paul Rodriguez, it has 
room for a fully assembled 
skateboard, plus individual 
slots for extra decks, space 
for spare trucks and bear- 
ings, a slide-out tool hold- 
er and separate compart- 
ments for dirty and clean 
clothes. If backpacks are 
more your speed, the Skate 
Pack ($140) lets you carry a 
laptop and a board so you 
can surf or skate at will. 


SHOOT :: ROCK :: SKATE 


Rock Classic 


It's hard to beat the 1957 Fender 
Champ guitar amp for rock cred. 
Johnny Cash and Keith Richards 
both used one, it's name-checked in 
Frank Zappa's "Joe's Garage,” and 
it’s responsible for Clapton's squall 
in “Layla” Great workmanship and 
distinctive sound made it an icon 
of rock's early years. Now Fender is 
reissuing the model, hand building 
new Champs ($1,300, fender.com) 
to the exact specs behind some of 
rock's greatest moments. 


models offer this service. Or keep your phone dumb and ask your 
carrier about plug-in USB devices that enable 3G Internet (these 
typically come with a hefty data plan). One of the slickest solutions 
is Verizon's MiFi ($150, verizon.com), a battery-powered gadget 
that pulls in a 3G Net connection and turns it into an instant Wi-Fi 
hot spot, making you the most popular guy in Starbucks. 


In 1780, 1 was turned down 
by the Navy. They said | could 
better serve Ireland if | kept 
making my whiskey. 


IBS 
n O 
i 5 144 
| m 
^ BSE 
t СО = 
H л š 
| pee 


TASTE ABOVE ALL ELSE 


5 Ws 
$ 
SK TASTE RESPONSIBLY. Jameson? Irish Whiskey. 40% Alc./Vol. (80 Proof). Product of Ireland. 
IS “©2009: ‘imported by John Jameson Import Company, Purchase, МҮ, WWW.JAMESONWHISKEY.COM 
zu 
HH Қа 


y 


ALL BETS 
RE OFF 


Е | 


h P | 


—— PRESS TO PLAY 


VEGAS PLAYBOY Y NEW FRAGRANCE FOR MEN 


/ 


www.playboyfragrances.com X ; @ 2009 PLAYBOY. PLAYBOY AND RABBIT HEAD DESIGN ARE TRADEMARKS OF PLAYBOY AND USED UNDER LICENSE BY COTY. 


In the June issue you note “erec- 
tion, orgasm and ejaculation are 
separate physiological functions, 
which is why it’s possible to ejacu- 
late without an erection or have 
an orgasm without ejaculating.” 
But I have a different problem: 
I ejaculate without having an or- 
gasm. It’s as though I woke up 
one morning about 10 years ago 
and the pleasure was no longer 
there, even during masturbation. 
Have you heard of this?—V.M., 
Stamford, Connecticut 

What you’re describing is known 
as ejaculatory anhedonia or anor- 
gasmic ejaculation. It sucks. The 
sexologist Helen Singer Kaplan has 
described a related condition she 
labels “partial ejaculatory incompe- 
tence” in which the semen dribbles 
and orgasm occurs but is weak. 
There are only a handful of scien- 
tific papers on anorgasmic ejacula- 
tion, all of them case studies with no 
suggestions for treatment outside of 
seeing a shrink. Yet it’s easy to imag- 
ine a physiological cause, especially 
as scientists learn more about the 
central nervous system’s control over 
the ejaculatory reflex, which can 
operate independently of the brain. 
Nerve damage could prevent the 
signals created by the muscle con- 
tractions of ejaculation from reach- 
ing the brain. Or the brain could 
have excess serotonin (which inhib- 
its orgasm) and too little dopamine 
(which enhances it). ІРа be interest- 
ing, first, to observe the brains of 
anorgasmic men during ejaculation 
and, second, to know if men such 
as yourself can experience orgasm 
through stimulation of the prostate 
gland, which communicates with 
the brain through a different nerve 
than the penis. In the meantime, 
writing in the Handbook of Sexual 
Dysfunction, one psychiatrist advises 
his colleagues that “the most ethical 
way” to treat a patient is to inform 
him the condition is rare, its cause 
is unknown, “psychotherapy has no 
guarantee for success” and “drug 
treatment is as yet not available.” 
(Have a nice day!) However, it can’t 
hurt to see if you can eliminate any 
potential causes with the help of a 
neurologist and/or urologist. 


Last year, when my husband 
and I were on our honeymoon, 
I asked him when we could have 
a baby. He said, “Maybe next 
year.” I hang around relatives 
and friends who are new parents 


as a way to scratch my baby itch, but unfor- 
tunately it has done nothing but fuel my 
desire to start a family. I’ve gone back to 
school for a degree, which will take three 
years, and my husband says he wants to 
find a better-paying job. I would also like 


My wife and I received an exercise ball as a gift, and 
we used it to stretch before working out. One day while 
I was screwing around on it, she and I started making 
out. Before long we were having sex as I sat on the ball 
and my wife yelled “Ride ет, cowboy!” Has anyone 
tried this athletic position before? I recommend putting 
a towel on the ball to keep the rubber from sticking to 
your butt and her legs.—M.G., Chicago, Illinois 

Who doesn't like to play with their balls? We'd like to 
introduce your new guru, Wallace Rios, a personal trainer in 
Australia by way of Brazil, who a few years ago discovered for 
himself the joy of sexercise. “My apartment was empty except 
for my training equipment, and my girlfriend came over for a 
last good-bye as she was moving to Italy,” Rios writes. “Since 
then I can't think of any other way to have sex.” Inspired, he 
created a manual with more than 40 exercise-ball positions, 
including ones for threesomes, along with information about 
the muscles used and calories burned. “Just remember to 
select a correctly sized ball,” he notes. Rios’s plans include 
developing a ball with a vibrator attached or a lover’s face 
superimposed on the rubber. His book, Sexy Balls, is about 
$30 postpaid from bookworm.com.au. For links to a video 
and sample pages, visit playboyadvisor.com/sexyballs. 


us to own a house. I know having a 
child isn’t ideal now, but I’m driving 
the poor man crazy. I wouldn’t dare 
secretly stop using birth control, but I 
still want a baby. What can I do?—C.D., 
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma 


TINA BERNING 


You brought this up on your hon- 
eymoon? Can a guy get a break? 
This is normal. The baby switch in 
your brain has flicked to the on posi- 
tion, and there’s no way to turn it 
off. Your husband needs to under- 
stand that. You will not be able to 
rationally enjoy any aspect of your 
life together unless you are knocked 
up. Does he ever want a child? Talk 
to him about setting a date and mak- 
ing a goal—otherwise you're going 
to continue to drive him, yourself 
and everyone around you crazy. 


Is it okay to bring my own steak 
knife to dinner, even during a 
date? My friends all say no, that 
any woman would be freaked 
out. I also bring a small pepper 
grinder and a bottle of Tabasco, 
so I was hoping the ensemble 
might come across as more ec- 
centric than serial killer—S.W., 
Baton Rouge, Louisiana 

We wouldn’t bring any of these 
items to a restaurant, though you may 
be able to get away with hot sauce if 
it’s home brewed or available only at 
а mom-and-pop store in the bayou. 
If quality cutting utensils are your 
thing, why not cook her dinner? 


What a hypocrite you are! In 
the July/August issue you chas- 
tise readers who say they would 
reject a woman who has shaved 
genitals or fake breasts. You take 
them to task for viewing women 
as commodities to be weighed and 
judged by their physical attributes. 
Yet PLAYBOY has been marketing 
that consumerist mind-set toward 
women for decades. My uncle’s 
friend told me he suffered from 
“Centerfold syndrome” for years, 
and not until his fifth decade was 
he able to see that most women 
have a beauty all their own. Before 
then he had believed these images 
told him what he was due.—H.F., 
Fort Collins, Colorado 

Actually, we took them to task for 
being boors. Despite your uncle’s 
friend’s claim that stylized nudes 
kept him in a state of retarded sex- 
uality, most readers know better: 
Women are present in the maga- 
zine in many ways, including as 
sexual beings but not exclusively 
so. The men and women who write 
us certainly understand they are in 
relationships with people who some- 
times get pimples and aren’t always 
bathed in soft light. And yet they 
still find their partners irresistible. 


How can that be? The reason your uncle’s 
friend didn't feel he could finally appreciate 
the feminine mystique until he was in his 
50s is because the testosterone that fuels his 
insatiable sex drive has been dropping by 
about one percent a year. It reaches a tipping 


35 


PLAYBOY 


36 


point for many men in middle age, when the 
haze of lust that influences so many of their 
youthful decisions clears a bit. 


lam disappointed in your response in the 
July/August issue to the man whose wife 
complained of stomach problems after 
giving him a blow job. Although her claim 
that semen caused her to gain weight is 
ridiculous, she may well be feeling sick. I 
feel nauseated if I swallow, so I spit to avoid 
discomfort. Can you explain why this hap- 
pens? I get great pleasure from draining 
my husband.—A.W., Chico, California 

You may be right, but we're still skeptical, 
given she waited 13 years to let him know. As 
we've reported in the past, some women may 
be hypersensitive to the prostaglandins found 
in semen, which are known to cause contrac- 
tions of smooth muscles, possibly leading to 
nausea and/or diarrhea. A woman may also 
suffer from what is known as human seminal 
plasma hypersensitivity, though her lips and 
mouth would likely swell if that were the case. 
Spitting seems to us a fine compromise; we 
doubt your husband has any complaints. 


That reader says his suddenly reluctant 
wife has given him a total of 600 blow 
jobs in 13 years, which is an average of 
less than one per week. I feel sorry for 
him.—PH., Portland, Oregon 

Based on the mail we receive, most guys 
don't feel that way. And their semen doesn't 
even make their wives puke. 


Should the second, smaller cuff but- 
tons on a men's dress shirt be fastened? 
I think leaving them open makes a guy 
look lazy.—S.Q., Atlanta, Georgia 

Yes, they should be fastened. Those buttons 
are designed to help you get your arm out of a 
fitted shirt, so leaving them unfastened makes 
you appear half dressed. 


Ina young, lean straight guy who loves 
the sophistication ofa pair of fine women's 
shoes. Гуе worn them around the house 
for years. My wife is open-minded and en- 
courages it. Recently I started wearing my 
lady styles to the grocery store, post office, 
barber dentist and other public places. 
When I'm out, I wear slingbacks, leather 
pumps or dance slippers with jeans. I 
haven't had any blatantly negative com- 
ments, just a few whistles and leers. Most 
men who notice just stare. Some women 
have commented on how nice they look. 
I don't wear womer's clothing other than 
the shoes, and I don't put them on if the 
outfit doesn't benefit. I'm not sexually 
aroused by it; I just love walking in heels. 
Am I dysfunctional or avant-garde?—TR., 
Lovettsville, Virginia 

You sound okay to us. If we knew as much 
as you do about women's footwear, we'd get 
laid more often. 


М, son апа І таке small wagers with 
each other on the NFL, and we differ on 
how the over/under falls when the total 
score equals the bet number. Can you 


clarify?—C.S., Trenton, Maine 

In the event of a tie, everyone gets their 
money back. That's why you should make this 
bet with a half point, e.g., over/under 34.5. 


Please publish a feature for all the men 
(such as my boyfriend) who need to learn 
what not to say to a woman. Me: “Do you 
like boobs in movies more than you like 
my boobs?” Him: “If you had movie- 
quality boobs, you would be in the mov- 
ies.” Correct answer: “Those girls have 
nothing on your smoking rack.” —S.C., 
Stamford, Connecticut 

Sure, he played that poorly, but why are you 
asking? Even if they do have better boobs, he 
doesn’t have access to them, and more impor- 
tant, they aren't attached to you. 


| have always heard the mantra “Liquor 
before beer, you're in the clear. Beer be- 
fore liquor, never been sicker.” Is there 
any truth to this, and if so, why?—G.A., 
Jacksonville Beach, Florida 

No truth to it. A more important factor in 
how quickly you become intoxicated and its 
effects the next day is whether you eat at the 
same time, because food slows the absorption of 
alcohol. Also, most people who start the night 
with liquor don't move on to beer, so they tend 
to have drunk less when the festivities end. 


Why is pussy called pussy?”—T.B., Aurora, 
Colorado 

It’s not clear how this shout-out got started, 
but it may have originated with the Old Norse 
púss (pocket or pouch) or the Low German 
púse (vulva). The word puss first appeared in 
English in 1530 as a generic name for a cat, 
perhaps mimicking the sound used to get the 
animal's attention as it continues to ignore 
you. This was followed in 1578 by pussy, again 
in reference to cats. Soon after puss was used 
to refer to women and then to their genitals (a 
toast from the late 17th century: "Aeneas, here's 
a health to thee, to pusse and good company”). 
Perhaps it dropped below the waist because, 
like a feline, the vulva is soft, warm and furry, 
with less bite than, say, a beaver. According to 
Lawrence Paros, author of Bawdy Language, 
this was followed in the 18th century by scan- 
dalous banter such as expressing the desire to 
“give her pussy a taste of cream.” Our favorite 
Old World slang for vulva that didn’t catch on: 
quim, teazle and motte. 


You offer questionable advice in the June 
issue to the reader who asked whether he 
should take a daily multivitamin. True, 
little scientific evidence links this practice 
to good health. But the idea that a “bal- 
anced diet” provides all the nutrients you 
need is a myth. Even if you eat fresh fruits 
and veggies, your body absorbs only some 
of the goodies. A targeted combo or in- 
dividual bottles of the right supplements 
address absorption and availability prob- 
lems. High doses of folate may occasion- 
ally have negative side effects, but lower 
doses encourage better brain function, 
especially in men.—Dr. David Newsome, 
St. Petersburg, Florida 


We heard from a number of nutritionists and 
doctors who say they recommend multivitamins 
because processed foods don’t contain enough 
nutrients. Some say adults should take many 
times more vitamin D daily than suggested in 
the Institute of Medicine guidelines we shared, 
while others make the case for vitamins C 
and E. As usual, a few cited a government 
conspiracy to keep the miracle of supplements 
from the public or claimed any study that casts 
doubt on the value of vitamin boosters must be 
“sloppy, incomplete or run by those having a 
conflict of interest.” We have more discussion 
at playboyadvisor.com/vitamins. 


A friend suggests I increase my success 
rate by pursuing less-attractive women 
than the gorgeous ones I chase now. He 
also says success will boost my confidence 
so I can return to hitting on babes. Yet the 
pickup artist Mystery says you must have 
standards. He says a woman "expects that 
a guy with potential will be selective." So 
who's right?—D.C., Edmonton, Alberta 

Based on the research we ve seen (and 
written about—see “The Look of Love," 
March 2008), a person generally ends up with 
someone with about the same level of attrac- 
tiveness, intelligence, wealth and social status. 
Mystery and other PUAs rely on the fact that 
hot women aren't used to being gently ignored, 
so the average guy creates a sense of mystery 
about what he has to offer. But there is more to 
a relationship than having a woman on your 
arm who turns every head in the room. You 
want to find a partner you find attractive from 
several angles. That doesn't mean you can't 
pursue someone who is universally hot, only 
that you should also be open to finding beauty 
in unexpected places. Bottom line: There are 
millions of women we'd love to sleep with but 
far fewer we'd like to sleep with a lot. 


Му mother-in-law is attractive, outgoing 
and not at all shy about discussing sex—so 
naturally I think she’s hot. One reason for 
my attraction is her large breasts. It's not 
that I want a relationship; Pm just infatuat- 
ed with seeing her topless. Is there anything 
I can do to make this fantasy come true? If 
I could get a glimpse of her tits I think I 
could move on.—L.S., Detroit, Michigan 
You'd move on, all right—to a much more 
detailed daydream about fucking her. Get hold 
of yourself; man. There are 6.5 billion other 
breasts in the world to think about. Doesn't 
anyone fantasize about their wives anymore? 


All reasonable questions—from fashion, food 
and drink, stereos and sports cars to dating di- 
lemmas, taste and etiquette—will be personally 
answered if the writer includes a self-addressed, 
stamped envelope. The most interesting, perti- 
nent questions will be presented in these pages. 
Write the Playboy Advisor, 680 North Lake 
Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611, or send 
e-mail by visiting our website at playboyadvisor 
.com. Our greatest-hits collection, Dear Playboy 
Advisor, is available in bookstores and online; 
listen to the Advisor each week on Sirius/XM 99. 


THIS PRODUCT 
IS МОТ A SAFE 
ALTERNATIVE TO 
CIGARETTES 


endless meeting-frienaly. 


spitfree. 
sold cold. 


| ©2009 RJRTC (3T) 
Buy any tobacco product 
and get I 


FREE TIN | 
of Camel SNUS 


good on any Camel SNUS style 


à WHILE SUPPLIES LAST. 
VOID WHERE PROHIBITED. 

RETAILER: YOU MUST FILL IN NORMAL RETAIL 
PRICE (INCLUDING APPLICABLE SALES TAX) 


camelsnus.com* , 
* WEBSITE RESTRICTED TO LEGAL AGE TOBACCO CONSUMERS "m y 


conn ower WOODY HARRELSON 


A candid conversation with the free-spirited actor about the good life in Hawaii, fight- 
mg sexual temptations and why he’s not the poster boy for pot (as he smokes a joint) 


Who would have predicted that Woody Har- 
relson would emerge as the biggest personality to 
come out of Cheers? Yes, Kelsey Grammer is prob- 
ably richer from Frasier, Ted Danson hangs with 
Hillary Clinton, and Kirstie Alley has graced 
more tabloid covers. But nobody from that classic 
sitcom, which wrapped in 1993 after 11 years on 
NBG, has tackled challenging movie roles or lived 
a free-spirited existence the way Harrelson has. 

Fit as a Texas fiddle at the age of 48, the 
actor, whose movies include Natural Born Kill- 
ers, The People vs. Larry Flynt and No Country 
for Old Men, is married with three kids, but that 
makes him sound conventional. He lives with 
his family on Maui, where he owns a scrappy 
up-country farmhouse that runs on solar power. 
Renowned for backing patchouli-scented causes 
like veganism, biodiesel technology and world 
peace, he’s also an outspoken advocate of a 
popular Maui plant called cannabis, for rea- 
sons both practical (see his extensive wardrobe 
of hemp clothing) and recreational (in 1996 he 
was arrested for marijuana possession). 

Harrelson ended a five-year work hiatus around 
2001 and picked up with the same gusto he gives 
his hard-core yoga practice. This year he has five 
new films, most notably The Messenger, opening 
this month, in which he plays a soldier charged with 
notifying Army families about casualties of war, 
and 2012, a Roland Emmerich sci-fi disaster flick 


“Some folks may have a drink. People may 
want to pop a pill before going to a party— 
that’s not for me. Cocaine freaks me out. But 
I like the mellow vibe of herb. Since we're all 
drug addicts, I don’t think it’s a bad choice.” 


about the end of the planet. It opens November 13. 

Woodrow Tracy Harrelson was born in Mid- 
land, Texas m 1961 but grew up m Lebanon, Ohio 
after his parents divorced. His mother, Diane, was 
a devout Presbyterian who taught young Woody to 
fear God and preach the Word. His father, Charles, 
was a professional gambler who spent most of his 
adult life in jail. In 1982 he was sentenced to two 
life terms in federal prison for his role in the assas- 
sination of U.S. District Judge John H. Wood Jr. 
The actor lobbied for years to have his father's case 
retried, claiming that his dad did not commit the 
murder, but Charles died in the Colorado Super- 
max prison m 2007 at the age of 69. 

Harrelson began acting onstage, serving as 
an understudy in 1985 in Broadway’s Biloxi 
Blues, only to end up marrying (briefly) the play- 
wright Neil Simon’s daughter. That same year he 
landed the role of the dopey but lovable bartender 
Woody Boyd on Cheers, a show that earned Har- 
relson international fame and big-screen parts in 
such films as White Men Can't Jump and The 
Thin Red Line. With success came a reputation 
as a wild and crazy partyer with a hot temper. In 
2002 Harrelson was arrested for vandalizing 
a London taxi, and this past April he got into a 
brawl with a TMZ paparazzo, later explaining he 
mistook the photographer for a zombie. 

PLAYBOY dispatched Contributing Editor 
David Hochman to Hawaii for a meeting of the 


Д 


“Marriage and monogamy are kind of inter- 
esting. If you look at animals, some mate for 
life and some don’t. Dogs and dolphins don’t 
seem to think much about monogamy, and I’ve 
always tended to side with them.” 


minds. Says Hochman, whose last interview was 
with Shia LaBeouf, “This was an old-fashioned 
interview of the Almost Famous variety. Woody 
opened his world—and his mind—for days of 
uninhibited conversation and fun. We swam to- 
gether, played Ping-Pong, ate raw foods, hung 
with the family, drove around in his biodiesel VW 
Bug and spent time with his island pal Willie 
Nelson. And yes, there was quite a bit of inhaling.” 


PLAYBOY: It’s unusual for a celebrity to smoke 
marijuana during an interview. Are you 
trying to make a statement of some kind? 
HARRELSON: Not especially. I don’t know 
that it’s a helpful thing as an actor to be the 
poster boy for the marijuana movement. 
Certainly the media uses it a lot to mar- 
ginalize. It also does a disservice to those 
who are actually on the front lines for the 
legalization cause. I’ve seen it printed that 
I’m a marijuana activist, and I understand 
that, but it’s really just something I enjoy. 
PLAYBOY: What do you like about it? 
HARRELSON: Oh you know, some folks may 
have a drink. I think it’s okay to have your 
alternatives. People may want to pop a pill 
before going to a party—that’s not for me. 
Cocaine freaks me out. That’s a drug with 
some crazy PR behind it. I don’t know how 
it became so popular. It just makes you rant 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY MIZUNO 


“Fox is bad news. I do not like Rupert Mur- 
doch. He’s like Goebbels, Hitler’s propaganda 
guy. Murdoch is waving the flag not because 
he gives a shit about it but because he just 
wants to make money.” 


37 


PLAYBOY 


38 


and rave. But I like the mellow vibe of herb, 
its uninhibiting effect. For me, it's a better 
drug than any of the others, and since we're 
all drug addicts, I don't think it's a bad choice. 
PLAYBOY: We're all drug addicts? 
HARRELSON: I believe that, yes. Whether 
your drug is sugar, coffee, sex, exercise or 
religion—everybody has something. The 
biggest drug problem we face is pharma- 
ceuticals—prescription pills for everything. 
It’s weird how fast you can get a bottle of 
pills these days. “Doctor, I’m depressed.” 
“Doctor, my kid can’t concentrate.” In 
many schools if a kid is unruly a couple 
days in a row, the teachers can demand 
that parents put him on prescription 
drugs. Man, that pisses me off! Same with 
antidepressants. You lose your mind on 
that stuff. You lose touch with who you are, 
with your emotional state. I was two years 
on Ritalin; my brother was eight years on 
it. If you didn't have a drug addict before, 
you had one after. You have someone 
who’s forever chasing the dream. 
PLAYBOY: Looking at your life in Maui, one 
would think you’ve found the dream. 
HARRELSON: I do love Maui, that’s for sure. 
I was determined that once Cheers was off 
the air and it wasn’t a matter of necessity, I 
would move out of L.A. and find the spot. I 
mean, we went everywhere. We lived awhile 
in Costa Rica until I realized some things 
in the jungle—snakes and frogs—can kill 
a child. Then we went to New Zealand, 
Australia, Ireland. But after Willie Nelson, 
who has a house here, introduced me to the 
wonders of Maui, I’ve been here ever since. 
PLAYBOY: Describe a typical day in paradise. 
HARRELSON: No two days are ever alike. 
Some mornings ГЇЇ get up, do yoga, go 
for a swim, go out to the garden. We grow 
all kinds of fruits and vegetables, so we're 
mostly eating off our own land. Lately I’ve 
been doing a ton of kite-boarding. Other 
days ГЇЇ take the girls [Harrelson and wife 
Laura Louie, his former assistant, have 
three daughters—Deni, 16, Zoe, 13, and 
Makani, three] and go find a waterfall. I 
like to relax and do nothing. An excellent 
day is when I get to pet the dog for half an 
hour without interruption. Oh and lots of 
time with friends and lots of movies. We 
don’t have a TV, but we have one of those 
cheap projectors, and we put a sheet up 
on the wall. It’s like you’re in your own 
theater. I never could get my head around 
living in Los Angeles, and Maui is like a 
reality check for me. People have a false 
image of the Hollywood lifestyle, and I def- 
initely fell for it. It’s the image of a crazy, 
fun, money-and-sex-saturated existence 
you think will somehow bring happiness, 
but that’s not the case. 

PLAYBOY: So you mean to say that money 
can’t buy happiness? 

HARRELSON: Listen, I have a photo from 
when I first moved to Los Angeles. I guess 
it was when I started doing Cheers. I had just 
turned 24 and was living in corporate hous- 
ing in the San Fernando Valley because it 
was close to Warner Bros. My brother took 
a picture of me ina Jacuzzi, holding a bottle 


of champagne and a joint, and I think there 
was a bunch of money lying around. All this 
materialistic imagery because that’s what we 
thought life was about—drugs, money, sex. 
Soon enough I was living that life for real. 
A mobile party, a whirlwind. Chasing girls, 
limos, groupies. My buddy Michael J. Fox 
used to call it the circus, and that’s what it 
was, but I think I needed to experience that 
extreme hedonism to show me the truth. 
Like the quote goes, the road of excess 
leads to the palace of wisdom. 

PLAYBOY: Any regrets? 

HARRELSON: Í don’t have any regrets, no. 
Well, fuck, I have tons of regrets, but I was 
a kid. I was an adult, but I was still a kid. 
When you're famous you can remain a kid 
for as long as you want. Everybody’s giving 
you what you want all the time, everywhere 
you go. Why say no? It’s the sugar wheel. 
You just want more and more because it 
tastes good, it looks good, it feels fucking 
unbelievable. John Lennon once summed 
it up in a word: Satyricon. 

PLAYBOY: And the problem would be? 
HARRELSON: [Laughs] No problem. Hey, I 
did have a frickin’ ball! Loved it! Had some 
fan-fucking-tastic unbelievable times that 
any young man would trade his life for. You 
honestly wouldn’t believe it if I told you. 
But I feel I wasted something. I mean... 
you take those hours—not to mention the 
money—I spent and apply it toward some- 
thing meaningful. Christ, I could’ve learned 
12 languages! I could’ve learned several 
martial arts. I mean mastered. I could’ve 
become an engineer and still had time to 
study acupuncture and the guitar, the flute 
and the ukulele. I had a good fucking time, 
but did it help me or anyone around me? 
PLAYBOY: Just for oral history purposes, 
please share one standout moment from 
those circus days. What’s one of the wilder 
scenes that springs to mind? 

HARRELSON: Well, I don’t know. It was a long 
time ago, and I’ma father now. This will be 
on the public record, and my kids might 
read this someday. Put a little bookmark on 
that topic, and come back to it later. 
PLAYBOY: Fair enough. Let’s talk about 
The Messenger. People are saying great 
things about that movie. 

HARRELSON: I think I may be prouder of that 
one than anything I’ve been associated with. 
The main character is a guy just back from 
Iraq who gets put together with my char- 
acter in what they call the Angels of Death 
squadron. We're the guys who notify the 
next of kin if someone dies. Toughest job 
in the Army. What’s so heartbreaking is the 
emotional toll this task takes on the officers. 
Usually you think about the families, but this 
is the untold story of these casualty-notifica- 
tion officers. It’s a very touching and pow- 
erful project, and what's interesting is that 
it’s a war movie completely set in America. 
PLAYBOY: How are you feeling generally 
about America these days? 

HARRELSON: [Sighs and laughs] Yeah, America 
the beautiful. I would compare America 
right now to that person who says, “Oh 
yeah, I’m definitely going to change! Pm 


going to start exercising. Gonna do heavy 
shakes in the morning and then ГЇЇ jump 
on the trampoline and meditate afterward.” 
You know? There's a great level of aware- 
ness now that change needs to happen fast, 
but we need to see actual change. It's nice to 
have one of our own in the White House— 
a Hawaiian, I mean—and also a man of 
integrity. But to be a truly great president, 
he needs to implement real fixes in Iraq, 
in Afghanistan, at Guantánamo, on the 
economy. My feeling is there's never been 
a president who didn't bend to the will of 
corporate America. Our society is built on 
all these industries that are raping Mother 
Earth daily. They’ve been getting huge sub- 
sidies—billions and billions of dollars every 
year—to continue these atrocities. Can 
Obama be the first to stand up to them? 
We'll see. Га like to see it happen. 
PLAYBOY: Have you and President Obama 
compared Hawaii notes? 

HARRELSON: Just before he was president, 
I met him on Oahu. He caught me off 
guard because he said, “You just come 
over from Maui?” It put me on my heels. 
I said, “How did you...,” and he goes, 
“Well, I met Willie Nelson once, and he 
invited me onto his bus, and it was reeking 
at the time, if you know what I mean.” He 
was so funny about it. I started laughing. 
“Anyway, Willie told me, ‘If you ever come 
to Maui, let’s go golfing with my buddy 
Woody.'" He remembered that. I said, 
“Well, you really should, man.” And he 
laughed and said, “Oh, I think that might 
get me in trouble.” [laughs] He's a genuine 
guy, Obama. At least I hope he is. What we 
need in our society is a radical change. We 
have to get off the dinosaur tit. 

PLAYBOY: Interesting choice of words. 
HARRELSON: We have to change our anti- 
quated mind-set as a society. To me the 
most egregious of all man's activities, after 
these stupid fucking oil wars, is mountain- 
top removal. Talk about corporate greed! 
Mining companies used to drill to find a 
vein and then extract. Now? They freaking 
blow the top off the mountain! The biggest 
machines you've ever seen then come along, 
dig up the earth and pull it out. Glorious 
mountains go from this [makes the sign of a 
mountain peak] to that. [makes the sign of flat 
land] And everything around—the streams, 
the soil—gets loaded with all kinds of toxic 
chemicals and metals and nasty shit. This 
is particularly in Appalachia. Hundreds of 
mountains have been removed, and thou- 
sands of small communities are affected. It's 
an atrocity, and nobody's doing anything 
about it. Bobby Kennedy Jr. and I are work- 
ing on a film about it now. 

PLAYBOY: You talk a lot about corporate 
greed, but do you ever feel a conflict 
working for giant corporations as an 
actor? Your other big new movie, 2012, 
is a gargantuan Sony product. 
HARRELSON: Yeah, there's definitely a con- 
flict, though I don't look at Sony as a terri- 
ble corporation the way, for example, Fox 
is. Fox is bad news. I do not like Rupert 
Murdoch. He's like Goebbels, Hitler’s 


During my lun@ 
the gym, but afı@ 
ing a shower I col 
an hour. This һа 
minutes cooling d 


Sweat for up to 
n if I spend 20 
¡here a trick to 
Millz?—].C., New 

York, New York 2 


e hypothala- 
primarily on 
Ding through 
lot, the body 
(Wil you reach 


A part of the bra 
mus regulates зшеай 
the temperature of tli 
it. As long as your 
will release heat throw 


a balance between 1 l and heat 
released, i.e., about & When you 
finish your шоткои Hate slows, 


yo the sur- 
than you 
ises body 


id water 


which means blood 138 
face as quickly, so it 1 
expect to cool down. Ë 
temperature, so drin 


before, during and affi dont 
use thirst as a guide mant to 
end your shower by gra % water 


cooler and finish by 008 


I am 62 with a 47-усайй 
has two grown childreñ 
any more kids. We пее@ 
she won't take the pill: 
fun, and neither of us v gø 
gery. Trolling around they 

across a method that in! 


ultrasound to the testicle fies 
supposedly provides six m Wril- 
ity. Although everyone 5% e it 


works, there are conflict 
where it stands in the FDA 
cess. I have a chiropractor bii 
an ultrasound he's happy to tf 


With great caution. During 
Mostafa Fahim of the University 
used ultrasound to temporarily 54% 
cats, monkeys and eight human їй 
teers. He reported that, using a sta 
transducer, the ideal setting is a frequi 
megahertz and a power of one watt f 
centimeter. If that doesn't work, you бал 
the child after your chiropractor. Fertility 

. TID n. 
gradually, so if youre willing to тай 
self a guinea pig, Elaine Lissner of ZB 
Contraception Information Project (new 
contraceplion.org) suggests using a home Sy 
test or microscope to regularly check your Ў, 
It would also be wise to use backup contra 
tion, at least initially. Don’t expect this tech 
ogy to be on the market anytime soon; it has 


for FDA approval, and a number of questioté 
are still unanswered, such as how many times 
a тап can safely be zapped. It would be much 
easier to get a vasectomy—despite our quip in 
February about swollen balls, these days a no- 
scalpel procedure takes less than 10 minutes and 
has few, if any, side effects. 


M, girlfriend has me doing my part to 
save the earth: We use compact fluores- 
cent lightbulbs, I weatherproofed the win- 
dows, and we recycle and reuse. Is there 
such a thing as "green" sex toys? I thought 


^ 1 
| can't urinate when anyone 151186 


to undergo the long-term clinical trials necess WS 


urprise her.—L.R., * 


her on, a number of 
WearthErotics.com and 
ung from phthalate- 
“bes to a seven-inch 
bicycle inner tubes. 


5ех-10ў SR (7-25 
Вађеіап % 
free vibra 


flogger тї 


Recharges Wieries out of land- 
fills. Ат E accepts clean 
used sexa Bee recycleyoursex 


> P card in return. 
1 Do giving every 
é (боле orgasm. 
| am 30 DP 
marathon 


ll five-day sex 
зап. He has 
Treative. He 


ап атац 
also has a 77 — session with 
my armpil Pit from be- 
hind while > `> was a total 
turn-on К - ess I don't 
have a qud i ke to advise 
younger wil —— it 50-year- 
olds; don't ^ Жейуег the 
same quality " ie I found 
rocks.—B. MS „Оша 
Thank yo ng words, 
especially if | )-year-old 


guy with апа 


calibration. WW i 
than adjust basil | 


color and tint? f Шу xas 

You can hire а қ КЇ Мет for 
detail (see imagings™ beferral), 
but most people can BM Heir own. 
New HDTVs are typi Eo stand 


out in a showroom, їй 

visions have preset „А S 
dynamic/vivid (the likel 
sports and movie. You di 
or tweak further. First, li 
black level, until black 3 

ening details. Do the за ҚҰ 


(contrast or picture) until git ledges, 
usually at about 50 perce Miura- 
tion, is more subjective; y have 


to change this much. Find Mess is 
Etoo high, you'll see halos а ЙАШ 1025 of 
bi objects. You can usually tur А 55 to 


zero when watching DVDs. W. 


a 
Regarding the December ІШ ег 
reader who suffers from р 


im one of those guys who Һе 


der. Then I discovered a simplafüre: 
Hold your breath. I can now pee in rest- 
rooms no matter how crowded they are. I 
hope this helps other men who are strug- 
gling.—].G., Chicago, Illinois 

With practice, this technique can get the job 
done. In 2001 psychologist Monroe Weil reported 
that it had worked for three of his patients; he 
hypothesizes that increased CO, levels in the 
blood lead to relaxation of the sphincter muscle 
that inhibits urination. Before you attempt this, 
practice in a comfortable setting until you can 
hold your breath calmly for 45 seconds, which is 


Ё 


дото it will take the stream to start. 
big gulp of air—breathe normally, 
thout 75 percent of your breath. 


Hind I sometimes role-play in 
Mgh my scenarios vary (cheer- 
e, maid), she always asks me 
Im а rapist. At first I found 
jut it's starting to disturb me. 
: some women want to be 
Jverland Park, Kansas 
bus to be raped. This common 
[described as forceful sex or 
ce the woman always remains 
És, if your wife asks you to stop 
rd other than “no” or “stop” 
Since her protests may be part 
cene ends. As you've found, 
о play the perpetrator role. 
Bur wife to be more creative, 
inple. Instead of cheerleader, 
| about scheduling her for a 
о) interview (the economy 
Gre desperate), a real estate 
Mation of your HDTV? 


} 


AL 


ya 
mi 
dei 
is | 
sho 


Ате \ gih January asking how to 
prey MÎ hairs on his neck. I am 
surp {1.1 mention a straight 
га20ї phat solved the problem 
for ni Ratineau, Quebec 

Тһай le that—our response could 
have bi V 
Three » {Ду wealthy, twice-divorced 
brothers fine the news of his sud- 
den eng gio a much younger di- 
vorcée Y @hildren. I replied with 
congratu АЛ gently asked about a 
prenup, $ { outlined the precau- 
tions he Y . Two years later my 
brother's # ed through his e-mail 
and found š Қ апсе. She responded 
with an ar d 1 copied to the family, 
about prej and invasion of pri- 
vacy. My Б ow says my inquiry 


brother's two dijorcéy your question reflected 
only your concen for his well-being. He's cov- 
ering his ass now because he fears his wife's 
wrath more than the loss of your goodwill. 
That doesn't bode well, and before long he 
may well бе thrice divorced —but thankful that 
prudence runs in the family. 


All reasonable questions—from fashion, food 
amd drink, stereos and sports cars to dating 
dilemmas, taste and. etiquette—will be per- 
sonally answered if the wriler includes a 
self-addressed, stamped envelope. The most 
interesling, pertinent. questions will be pre- 
sented in these pages each month. Write the 
Playboy Advisor, 730 Fifth Avenue, New 
York, New York 10019, or send e-mail by vis- 
iting our website at playboyadvisor.com. Our 
greatest-hits collection, Dear Playboy Advisor, 
is available in bookstores and online. 


PLAYBOY 


40 


ROM HUMBLE BEGINNINGS (CHEERS PREMIERED DEAD LAST IN THE 

RATINGS) TO AN UNHEARD-OF 117 EMMY NOMINATIONS (AND 27 

WINS), THE BOSTON BAR WAS A FUN PLACE TO SPEND THURSDAY 

NIGHTS. FOR THE STARS, ІТ WAS FUN WHEN IT ENDED, TOO. WITHOUT 

THE OPPORTUNITY TO PLAY WOODY THE RUBE BARTENDER, WOODY 
HARRELSON WOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN IN NATURAL BORN KILLERS, THE PEOPLE 
VS. LARRY FLYNT OR NUMEROUS OTHER HITS. RHEA PERLMAN, THE CONSUMMATE 
CRASS COCKTAIL WAITRESS, WENT ON TO COLLECT 37 MORE ROLES. THE 
GINGER VS. MARY ANN DEBATE GAVE WAY TO DIANE VS. REBECCA IN THE 

1980S. SHELLEY LONG PAID A PRICE FOR QUITTING THE SHOW EARLY, 

WHILE HER REPLACEMENT, KIRSTIE ALLEY, BECAME THE MOST FAMOUS 
PLUS-SIZE ACTRESS EVER. KELSEY GRAMMER BANKROLLED HIS ENSEMBLE 


propaganda guy. Murdoch is waving the 
flag not because he gives a shit about it but 
because he just wants to make money. It 
seems to be tried and true for him, though 
now I guess his empire’s taken a bit of a 
hit. But you’re right. I have to figure out 
how to balance all that. I try, though. I see 
people do commercials I think are abso- 
lutely immoral. I mean, an athlete doing a 
McDonald’s commercial? Come on! You’re 
going to pretend this is good solid fuel 
here? I know it’s hard. I want to walk my 
talk as much as possible, but I confess to 
being a hypocrite in a number of ways. 
PLAYBOY: If you met the man you are now 
when you were a teenager, what would 
you think of yourself? 

HARRELSON: Whoa, heavy. [laughs] It's inter- 
esting. I definitely would have thought 
I'm a sinner and I probably am not going 
to heaven. [laughs] I was so religious in 
a really judgmental way. The church was 
everything to me growing up. 

PLAYBOY: You were a true believer. 
HARRELSON: The truest. You gotta be. Reli- 
gion was drilled into my head for so long. I 
can remember being around 20 years old, 
working construction in Urbana, Ohio at 
the time, and I asked my aunt if I could 


go and stay with these girls I knew. She 
said, “Well, just make sure to talk to them 
about the Lord and dont spend the night 
with them.” And I said, “Oh absolutely.” 
Probably in the back of my mind—or in 
the front—I'm thinking, I definitely want 
to hang out with these girls all night. 
PLAYBOY: Did they break you down? 
HARRELSON: No, I went over and started 
preaching to them. [laughs] They just 
wanted me to let it go. I can remember 
them shaking their heads like J was the lost 
soul, and of course I was. Back then I had 
massive guilt about every part of sex—lust, 
masturbation, all of it. It’s like Larry Flynt 
says, the church gets its hand on your 
sexual apparatus and the next thing you 
know they’re in control. It’s all a quest to 
make us feel guilty about what can be the 
greatest thing. It’s a shame so many people 
grow up with that kind of guilt. 

PLAYBOY: How did you get past it? 
HARRELSON: Who said I got past it? [laughs] 
“Honey, let's turn off the lights. I don’t want 
to see your body naked.” Can you imagine? 
I did turn a corner, though I might have 
been a good minister had I stayed at it. I 
was getting into theology and studying the 
roots of the Bible, but then I started to dis- 


PART OF DR. FRASIER CRANE INTO ONE OF TV'S MOST SUCCESSFUL SPIN-OFFS: HIS 
SHOW FRASIER WON 37 EMMYS, BEATING CHEERS IN TOTAL WINS IF NOT NOMINA- 
TIONS. NICHOLAS COLASANTO (COACH), THE HEART AND COMEDY GOLD MINE OF 
THE SHOW, DIED IN 1985. TED DANSON, WHO PLAYED BAR OWNER AND LOTHARIO 
EX-BALLPLAYER SAM MALONE, LATER STARRED IN SEVERAL MOVIES AND TV SERIES 
AND BECAME CLOSE FRIENDS WITH BILL AND HILLARY CLINTON—AND LARRY DAVID. 
NOR-R-M! GEORGE WENDT WILL ALSO BE REMEMBERED AS AN INTEGRAL PART OF 
THE CLASSIC SNL SKIT “BILL SWERKSKI’S SUPER FANS.” JOHN RATZENBERGER IS 
NOW ONE OF THE MOST BANKABLE ACTORS OF ALL TIME, THANKS TO HIS 
VOICE-OVER WORK (PIXAR LOVES HIM), BUT BEFORE THAT HE WAS CLIFF 

CLAVIN, MAILMAN AND KNOW-IT-ALL. AS THEY SAY, GOOD THINGS 

CAN HAPPEN AFTER CLOSING TIME. 


—ROCKY RAKOVIC 


cover the man-made nature of it. I started 
seeing things that made me ask, “Is God 
really speaking through this instrument?” 
PLAYBOY: Versus someone making it all up? 
HARRELSON: Yeah, and making it up for 
the worst reasons—so that wives would be 
more devoted to their husbands, things 
like that. My eyes opened to the reality of 
the Bible being just a document to control 
people. At the time I was a real mama’s boy 
and deeply mesmerized by the church. I 
didn’t smoke or drink or anything. 
PLAYBOY: And a virgin, of course. 
HARRELSON: І didn't say I was without sin. 
[laughs] I lost my virginity when I was 17. 
Га been exchanging letters with a girl at a 
church camp in Ohio and somehow con- 
cluded she was the one willing female soul 
on planet Earth, so I drove out to see her in 
a purple Gremlin. I kid you not. We took 
a walk to find a secluded place and ended 
up in a hayloft. Neither of us knew what we 
were doing, but we went at it feverishly— 
until her parents showed up, with doors 
opening, bright lights, them screaming, me 
stuffing my underwear and her bra down 
the back of my pants. “We weren't doing 
nothing,” she told her dad. “Oh, yeah? Then 
why is your shirt on inside out?” A couple of 


ON BLU-RAY AND DVD 


| 0915.09 


T № © 2009 Twentieth Contery Fox Film Corporation and бәле Entertainment ЇЇ LLC. All Rights Reserved ER 3c SPECIAL FEATURES ARE UNRATED, MAY NOT BE 
3; | ©2009 Тина Сану Fox Homa Ënleritinmant LLC. АЙ Righs Resarved, TWENTIETH CENTURY FOX, e ppm ê жр PG-13 = Eg SDH м ise HIGH DEFINITION, AND ARE NOT CLOSED CAPTIONED. 
|... | FOX and associated logos wa trademarks of Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation and its related entities Aii Rights Reserved. (iit cio saw anak mana. | a3 = 2009. Color Approx. К Wanta” 
n К Ñ O ый; >» 


m 


SINK YOUR CLAWS INTO A SNEAK PEEK 


ADVERTORIAL 


B pock STAR BRUNEE 


; AXE mme 


- 2% aad К, 


ОТ Y 4 
=y 


Axe Instinct and Playboy took Chicago by storm 
during Lollapalooza 2009 with the debut of the 
first ever Playboy Rock Star Brunch. Rockers, 
revelers and beautiful women gathered to take 
a break from the heat and enjoy stellar spinning 
by DJs Jayson Rose, Mom Jeans and Diplo. ü € E 
(1) The Builders and the Butchers. (2) Diplo | ` A 
grooves with the Playmates. (3) Playboy V J Alli 3 ; => ё (f & 
son Hagendorf gets down. (4) Miss June 2004 y" е - 
Hiromi Oshima and Miss Мау 2008 AJ Alexan- ч Ny 

der with LA Riots. (5) Miss May 2009 Crystal 
McCahill with Kevin Devine and band. (6) The 4 
leather scent of Axe Instinct is a big hit with 
guests. (7) Miss July 2005 Qiana Chase with 
Mano of He Say, She Say. (8) DJ Mom Jeans. (9) 
The Playmates with Axe brand manager Mandy 
McCarthy and husband Kevin. (10) The Play- 
mates unleash the power of leather. (11) Crystal 
McCahill channels her inner “instinct.” 


For more videos and photos, visit 
playboy.com/rockstarbrunch 


NEW AXE INSTINCT 


FRAGRANCE WITH THE POWER OF LEATHER 


PLAYBOY 


44 


years later I started distancing myself from 
all that religion-based morality, and my eyes 
opened to a superhighway of possibilities. 
At the age of 21 or 22 it hit me that I didn’t 
need to be guided by these rigid morals. 
The timing couldn't have been better. 
PLAYBOY: Cheers. 

HARRELSON: Thank you. 

PLAYBOY: No, we mean that’s just before 
Cheers started. But how did you go from 
Jesus camp to Hollywood? 

HARRELSON: І did a play at church when I 
was a junior in high school. I played a drunk 
in a nativity scene. Great fun. Then I did 
more in college and was awestruck by how 
a little change in your voice or demeanor 
onstage could get a massive reaction from 
an audience. It was thrilling enough to get 
me to move to New York to really make 
a go of it. But things didn’t go as well as 
Га hoped. I had 17 jobs my first year and 
couldn't get an agent or acting work. Severe 
depression sank in, and I slept all day. One 
afternoon a roommate of mine burst in and 
said, “Get the fuck out of bed. Some agent 
is on the phone.” The agent told me, “I saw 
something in your face. Will you come in 
and meet with me?” She ended up being 
my agent for years and was the one who 
got me the Cheers audition, not that I knew 
it was an audition at the moment. The day 
I had my meeting with the producers was 
before I learned I should give up dairy. Pm 
lactose intolerant, you see, and I was very 
mucousy that day. At the audition I was 
brought through a series of doors until I 
got to the room where all the decision mak- 
ers were. I didn’t know who they were, so 
I just stood there blowing my nose. The 
whole place starts laughing, and I start 
laughing too, but that only makes me have 
to blow my nose even more. I had no idea 
the director, Jimmy Burrows, and the other 
producers were the guys laughing. For 
some reason they said, “Yeah, this is the guy 
to play Woody Boyd.” I had 24 hours to 
decide whether to move my whole life from 
New York to L.A. Everybody in New York 
told me to do it, and I damn well did it. 
PLAYBOY: What were those first years in 
Los Angeles like? 

HARRELSON: Outrageous as shit. God, it 
was fun. First of all, going to work with 
those guys—Ted Danson and everybody 
else—was like going to the playground 
every damn day. And you have to remem- 
ber that was a time when audiences actu- 
ally gathered to watch ТУ. It wasn't like 
now, when you have a million distractions. 
Television sitcoms were something people 
would plan their schedule around. Very 
quickly I’d be places, and total strangers 
would behave as though they knew me. 
There was a situation once when being 
famous actually saved my life. 

PLAYBOY: How so? 

HARRELSON: Well, this was years later, but I 
was in Dubrovnik, Croatia, not long after 
the Bosnian war. I was on the beach with 
a couple of girls I knew, just me and them, 
swimming. I can remember one of them 
said something, and I laughed. I some- 


times have this tendency to have a kind of 
high-spirited girlish laugh. I heard some- 
one mocking me, so I started mocking back. 
They mock, I mock. Pretty soon these guys 
were coming down from the hillside. They 
were the toughest-looking motherfuckers 
you ever saw. Some kind of Croatian judo 
gang or something, and they were com- 
ing down basically to kill me for being with 
these red-hot girls. They were ready to tear 
me apart, and it got mind-blowingly tense. 
But then one of those fucking guys recog- 
nizes me from American "ГУ, so we end up 
going out for drinks with them instead. I 
swear if I hadn't been on Cheers, Га have 
died right there on that beach in Croatia. 
PLAYBOY: So there you go. Being famous rocks! 
HARRELSON: Most of the time, but it was 
very stressful at first. You go from nobody 
paying attention to everybody telling you 
“You're great, you're great. I love you.” It 
doesn’t matter whether they mean it or not. 
You believe it. At one point I had kind of 
a nervous breakdown. I had just finished 
with Cheers and was in the middle of doing 
a play, starting to do press for Indecent Pro- 
posal and going straight into Natural Born 
Killers, which was its own special kind of 
insanity. Fifty-six of the craziest working 
days of my life. All of it was messed up. I 
remember I had to shave my head, and I 
had just started to sink into the character. 
Very dark. I remember walking into the 
Joliet prison where we were shooting, and 
these guys would scream at me—killers!— 
and I’d scream back at them, “Fuck you! 
Fuck you! Fuck you!” I mean it was weird, 
man. Around that time I just remember los- 
ing it. Just crying and crying all the time 
and thinking, I can’t go on. But I pushed 
myself through and managed to come out 
the other side. I think it’s important to wal- 
low in your depression sometimes. People 
rush to get on these meds, make themselves 
happy. I’ve faced depression several times 
in my life, and while it’s never enjoyable, 
I do think it serves its purpose. You need 
your bad memories and your good memo- 
ries to make you a complete person. 
PLAYBOY: How’s your memory these days? 
HARRELSON: Long term’s okay. Short term? 
What was the question again? [laughs] 
PLAYBOY: Any roles you regret turning 
down over the years? 

HARRELSON: There have been a few, defi- 
nitely. Jerry Maguire would have been 
interesting. I kicked myself for years after 
not taking that one. But one road leads to 
another, and I wouldn't be the same guy if T'd 
said yes to everything. You learn as you go. 
PLAYBOY: What did you learn from your 
hedonistic circus period? 

HARRELSON: You won't drop this, will you? 
All right, since this is PLAYBOY ГЇЇ share one 
or two images, if only to illustrate how super- 
ficial we are as a society. At one point I was 
involved in...let’s just say I was hanging with 
three amazing gals, each one more amaz- 
ing and beautiful than the next. We met at 
some type of Hollywood party. The music 
was jamming, and I just kind of walked up 
and put my arm around one of them but 


said to all three, “I have a dream.” Just say- 
ing it made them laugh, and two hours later 
we were back at my place having the most 
fun one man can have in a sexual capacity 
with three of the most phenomenal-looking 
women you could imagine. 

PLAYBOY: Whoa. 

HARRELSON: Whoa is right. And it went on 
and on. Other nights, other women. I was 
monumentally lucky. Girls would come up 
to me in bars and say, “You want to take a 
walk on the wild side?” And we'd just go 
into the bathroom. Crazy shit. But here's the 
thing, and it's hard to comprehend if you're 
outside looking in, but the truth is it was 
kind of meaningless. First of all, it wouldn't 
have happened if I wasn’t famous. Mr. Joe 
Schmo walking up to these three girls just 
wouldn't work. But I’m the guy from Cheers 
or Natural Born Killers or Larry Flynt, and 
suddenly I’m some great Casanova. 
PLAYBOY: What did you learn about how 
life really works? 

HARRELSON: Great fucking question. First of 
all, you’re never going to get real fulfillment 
from sexual or monetary pursuits. That’s 
part of the reason I’m reluctant to revel in 
my glory days, so to speak. If we didn’t have 
the tape recorder on, I still wouldn’t revel, 
because it was just a vain pursuit. It’s not 
bad. I don’t have any negative judgment. 
I’m very happy with everything that hap- 
pened, but my head space is so different now. 
PLAYBOY: You finally married your longtime 
partner, Laura Louie, last year after being 
with her for 20 years. What took you so long? 
HARRELSON: I guess you can never be too 
sure. [laughs] But marriage and monog- 
amy in general are kind of interesting. If 
you look at animals, some mate for life and 
some don't. Dogs and dolphins don't seem 
to think much about monogamy, and I’ve 
always tended to side with them. I’m kind 
of torn on it. I never thought monogamy 
should be the rule. I always thought it 
was just an absurdity. It creates these hard 
boundaries that ultimately become more 
important than even.... [pauses] It’s weird. 
A guy could go out and sleep with another 
woman and come home, and his wife could 
chop his balls off, kill him, so to speak, and it 
would seem justified. Meanwhile that same 
guy could go out and murder three people, 
come back and she'll take him and find a 
place to hide him and bring him food. It’s 
just weird how the mentality of monogamy 
is that pervasive. It’s the subject of every talk 
show, every movie, every song. The heart- 
break, the betrayal. But it’s been destruc- 
tive because it’s such a rigid construction, 
and that rigidity makes you want to stray. 
PLAYBOY: How have you dealt with it? 
HARRELSON: [Laughs] 

PLAYBOY: It’s been a struggle? 

HARRELSON: I don’t know. Like I say, philo- 
sophically I’ve always thought of monogamy 
as an absurd idea, but honestly, right now 
in my life I don’t know what I think. I don’t 
know what's right, and I don't know what's 
wrong. I just know that I want Laura to be 
happy, and I want us to have a happy family. 
PLAYBOY: And how do you feel? 


MAIL THIS CARD TODAY! 


Or call Toll-Free 1-800-831-1211 Ext. 38446 


JUR 
Ë De | L] YES! Please rush my 
ч pt | FREE brochure, DVD 
„АМУ | 4% 
/ and pricing pP 
O] LIMITED-TIME BONUS! ? 
FREE $50 Savings Card* : 
@) 
Маһе 2 Б ЕЗ 
ЕЗ 
Address | 
Ci °: 
Y IRMNESS ADJUSTS ON EACH SIDE 
State Zip. 
Phone 


by SELECT COMFORT 


—_— ——- sleep number 


FREE BROCHURE 
AND DVD! 

Learn how the 

SLEEP NUMBER’ bed 


contours to your body 
for the most relaxing 


BUSINESS REPLY MAIL 


POSTAGE WILL BE PAID BY ADDRESSEE 


SELECT COMFORT DIRECT 
9800 59th AVENUE NORTH 
MINNEAPOLIS MN 55442-9971 


NO POSTAGE 
NECESSARY 


IF MAILED 
IN THE 
UNITED STATES 


Are You Frustrated by the 
Quality of Your Sleep? 


Do you toss and turn at night? 
Can't seem to find a comfortable 
position? Does your back ache 
when you awake? These are signs 
that your mattress may not be 
supporting you properly, robbing 
you of the sleep you need. 
SUFFER NO MORE! 


You Customize 
the Firmness 
The Sleep Number Bed by 


Select Comfort™ is unlike 
any other. It's the bed you 


Í Í We have had the Sleep Number bed for a few years now and can say itis the 


very best investment we have ever made. Back pain was a fact of life for me for years. 
After sleeping on the Sleep Number bed, | have improved significantly. It is amazing 
to go to bed in pain and wake up refreshed and pain free. 


Janet D., Mt. Vernon, WA 


The Sleep Number® Bed 
Makes Innersprings Obsolete 


A traditional innerspring mattress offers 

only hard metal coils for support. By contrast, the 
Sleep Number bed's revolutionary design 
features air-chamber technology that adjusts 
to your ideal level of firmness and support. 


Traditional mattress Metal coil 
mattresses can create 
uncomfortable 
pressure points and 
uneven support over 
time 


A Sleep Number bed 
adjusts to your body to 
more properly support 
your back and spine, 
and helps reduce 
uncomfortable 


5 Sleep Number” bed 
adjust to your exact comfort P Numbel pressure points 


and firmness preference, your 

SLEEP NUMBER? setting. Our easy-to-use handheld TRY IT FOR 30 NIGHTS, RISK FREE!! 

remote and advanced air-chamber technology allow We're so sure you'll sleep better, you can take up to one month to 
you to quickly adjust the firmness from extra firm to decide, or your money back!! You've got to sleep on it 

feather soft at the touch of a button. to believe it. 


Each Side of the Bed Receive a Special Thank You Gift! 
Adjusts Independently For a limited time, inquire about our revolutionary bed and we'll 


Best of all. each side of the SLEEP NUMBER? send you a special $50 Savings Card to use toward the purchase 


bed adjusts independently, making it the perfect of any Sleep Number” bed or accessory item of $100 or more.’ 


bed for couples. 


Get Relief from Back Pain 


For better sleep, CALL NOW! 
1-800-831-1211 ex 3844 


a YES! Please send me a FREE 
Brochure, DVD and Pricing. 


Ев a Limited-Time Bonus! 


$50 Thank You Savings Card!* 


1 


It's the bed clinically proven to relieve back pain and improve 
sleep quality. Clinical studies show an amazing 93% of 
participants reported back-pain relief while 90% said other aches 
and pains were reduced.” 


Name. 
Tessa print) 


Address 


City. State Zip 


Daytime Phone. Email 
*Fora summary of independent clinical studies, call 1-800-831-1211 ext 38446 


tlf not satisf Bites 30 Dus s, call within 45 days of delivery to arrange 
return. We е С ess your initial s ee or | b 
ome Delivery and Setup fees. Y Sleep numper 


by SELECT COMFORT 


demo bı 
Restrictions apply. See savings card for details and expiration date 
ас sangs ear fOr Cotas апе exoietion oe Mail to: Select Comfort, 9800 59th Avenue N., Minneapolis, MN 55442-9971 


PLAYBOY 


46 


HARRELSON: Well, I think in my life Pve cer- 
tainly allowed myself a lot in terms of my 
physical proclivities. Гуе had the kind of 
life you could just say, “What a lucky guy,” 
purely on that level, you know? It's like Гуе 
had my quota. Paul McCartney has a song 
on his album Off the Ground with the line, 
“Best thing I ever saw was a man who loved 
his wife.” I love the album, and I remem- 
ber puzzling over that. It's one ofthose lines 
that he probably wrote in a second, but it 
just stayed in my head. I really came to feel 
the truth of that. Me loving Laura as much 
as I do has led to all the greatest things in 
my life. Laura’s an amazing gal. Regarding 
my wavering and adolescent behavior, she’s 
been incredible. Like in London a few years 
ago, when it came out in the news that I 
had an experience with three girls. 
PLAYBOY: The three girls you were talk- 
ing about? 
HARRELSON: [Laughs] No, three different 
girls. It seems my downfall is multiples. 
Again, a wild, wild time, but it turned 
out one of the girls was connected to the 
paparazzi. Next thing you know, there’s a 
three-page spread in some tabloid. Well, 
Laura heard about it, and you know what 
she said to me? She said, “I can’t imag- 
ine how hard it is for you to have to deal 
with that kind of thing.” She immediately 
went to compassion for me, as opposed to 
how almost any other woman would have 
reacted, with outrage and screaming. That's 
the component of her nature I find so tran- 
scendent. It transcends what’s going on in 
the world and everything she’s supposed to 
be. I’ve learned that’s what love means on its 
deepest level. I’ve been around the corner, 
and I’ve met many great gals, but I would 
say Laura is a genuine goddess. Compas- 
sionate, understanding, beautiful. It’s just 
overwhelming. [pauses to smoke marijuana] 
PLAYBOY: Do you think you could live sober? 
HARRELSON: I experience sobriety every 
day. Long chunks of it. [laughs] Never is 
a long time. I admire that straight-edge 
philosophy, and the times I’ve experi- 
enced sobriety for extended lengths of 
time have been very rewarding. But don’t 
presume I’m always fucked-up, because 
I’m not. Certainly when I’m working I’m 
very focused and very un-fucked-up. 
PLAYBOY: Do you think pot will be legal in 
the U.S. in 10 years? 
HARRELSON: Well, if the will of the people was 
able to express itself through politics, then 
of course it would be. But seeing how that’s 
rarely the case, and it’s really the will of cor- 
porations that drives our society, the war on 
drugs will continue. It’s a big fucking money- 
maker. Billions and billions of dollars a year 
go into fighting drugs, and that keeps many, 
many people employed. You also have to 
include incarceration in that. So much atten- 
tion is focused on pot because it’s a drug that 
makes you think outside the box. It’s a drug 
that gets you to start questioning authority, 
and the state doesn’t want that out there. 
We call ourselves a free country, but 
America legislates morality. The federal 
government was designed both to protect 


us against foreign enemies and to help in 
terms of commerce between the states. 
Now it’s way out of bounds. It may make 
a hell of a lot of sense for me to put on my 
seat belt when I’m driving down the road, 
but if I choose not to, that should be my 
prerogative. Just like it should be my choice 
whether I want to wear my helmet on my 
motorcycle or not. The logic of keeping 
marijuana illegal is that it will keep people 
from using it. Guess what. People are using 
it anyway. It’s just like Prohibition. There 
were alcoholics before Prohibition, during 
Prohibition and after. But legalizing alcohol 
took away a lot of the violence that sprung 
up because it had to be locked away before 
that. I think people are smart, and I think 
people in a country ought to make their 
own decisions. As long as I don’t hurt you 
or your property, I should be allowed to do 
what I want. Since that’s not the case, we 
have a lot of people sitting in prison, serv- 
ing time for victimless crimes. 

PLAYBOY: What did it mean for you to see 
your father die in prison? 

HARRELSON: [Pauses] Well, that was dif- 
ficult. That was very difficult. I was never 
convinced he committed the crimes he 


I started distancing myself 
from all that religion-based 
morality, and my eyes opened 

to a superhighway of 
possibilities. I didn't need to be 
guided by these rigid morals. 


was accused of committing, and I always 
thought somehow I'd get him out. The 
government had a long history of wrong- 
doing, I think, in his case. And like a lot of 
other atrocities, they got away with it. On 
the other hand my dad was no saint, so 
I don’t know. I think I reached a level of 
not judging him for certain things I might 
judge your average person for. Above all, 
I really did love him. I thought he was an 
extraordinary guy, a brilliant guy, actually. 
PLAYBOY: He must have been very proud 
of you and the work you’ve done. 
HARRELSON: It’s interesting. They used to 
have a TV in prison, and every night the 
guys would make a group decision on what 
to watch. Dad would vote for Cheers every 
night, and he’d always get voted down. 
They would watch baseball or whatever. 
You see, my dad didn’t talk about who his 
son was, but eventually someone figured 
it out, and once word got around, Cheers 
would be on that TV every single night. 
PLAYBOY: He went to jail for the first time 
when you were seven. Did you grow up 
resenting him for not being around? 
HARRELSON: [Pauses, turns frosty] Look, I 
guess I was resentful about certain things. 


I would have liked my dad around to sit 
and talk like this or to go hiking with or to 
the movies. My mom and I had a very close 
relationship, to the point where I was prob- 
ably too good a boy growing up and could 
have used my dad around to show me how 
to expand my horizons a bit. That’s not to 
say he didn’t influence me. I feel him inside 
me. They say in Japan that when you’re 
born on your father’s birth date, as I was, 
that you ave your father. I certainly think 
about that. Certain habits I have, certain 
tendencies, definitely came from him. 
PLAYBOY: Is violence an issue for you? 
You recently got into a scuffle with 
a TMZ photographer and ended up 
breaking the guy’s camera. 
HARRELSON: [Grumbles] Yeah, well, I think 
all men have violence inside them, and I’ve 
certainly had my issues with anger manage- 
ment or the lack of anger management. But 
I found an outlet, a way to handle it. Mostly 
that’s through acting, though at times it 
erupts like that. Yoga and meditation help. 
PLAYBOY: Incidentally, what was the deal 
with your official explanation that zom- 
bies made you do it? 
HARRELSON: Oh, that was Paul’s idea. I 
had just come from the airport in New 
York after this TMZ situation and was feel- 
ing awful about it, and I ran into Sir Paul 
McCartney. We've been friends for a long 
time through our shared passion for vegan- 
ism and many other issues. He's got such a 
great capacity for happiness. Anyway, I told 
him what happened and also that I’d just 
finished this movie called Zombieland, and 
Paul said, “That's it, man! Just tell the press 
you thought the cameraman was a zom- 
bie.” So that’s what we went with. [laughs 
but suddenly turns serious] But getting back to 
your question about whether I resented my 
father. The thing with him was he couldn't 
figure out a way to control his behavior, 
and that's what I most regret, more than 
resent, in his case. He had a chance to turn 
his life around, but he couldn't manage it. 
I remember he was released from prison 
at one point, and he came up to visit me 
at college. Drove up in this great big Lin- 
coln Continental. I thought to myself, 
Maybe now he'll have the Ше he wants and 
turn things around. But sure enough, he 
landed back in prison, and that's where he 
remained. Sad, sad story. [pauses] I think he 
really struggled with life and made some 
colossal mistakes. But 1 also think the U.S. 
government committed some atrocities in 
his case and did things to him that were 
completely and utterly unfair. 
PLAYBOY: Like...? [Harrelson looks away, 
remains silent and motionless for four minutes 
and 27 seconds.] 
HARRELSON: [Brightens, smiles] Hey, how’s 
it going? 
PLAYBOY: Not bad. How are you? 
HARRELSON: [Laughs] Good, good. What 
else do you want to talk about? 
PLAYBOY: Um, got it. Let's see. We hear 
you do a mean Elvis impression. 
HARRELSON: [Singing “AU Shook Up,” sounding 
(concluded on page 110) 


848-5900 


c 
o 
со 


- One iss standing on the naked 
beach, staring at the Indian Ocean and the 
inky horizon beyond, he made out the dis- 
tant shapes of vessels he had never seen in all the years he 
and the other men in his family had plied the seas for fish. 
Invaders, he thought—and he was right. 

It was the early 1990s, the start of Somalia’s two- 
decades-long-and-counting civil war, and the ships that 
had appeared out of nowhere were fishing trawlers from 
faraway countries: France, Spain, South Korea, Indonesia. 
They had trained crews, expansive nets and modern radar 
equipment, and they systematically began to run the locals 
out of business. “They fished everything—shark, lobsters, 
eggs,” Eid recalled. “They collided with our boats. They 
came with giant nets and swept everything out of the sea.” 

With Somalia’s police force and coast guard swallowed 
up in conflict, it was open season along Africa’s longest 
coastline. International environmental groups estimate that 
unlicensed trawlers sucked hundreds of millions of dollars’ 
worth oftuna, mackerel and other prized catches out ofthe 
Somali sea. Experts also believe foreign companies illegally 
dumped huge amounts of toxic waste in drums that later 
washed ashore when ripples of the 2004 Asian tsunami 
reached the eastern tip of Africa. About seven years earlier 
Eid had seen a large number of dead, seemingly poisoned 
lobsters appear on the beach in the town of Garacad, 
littering the sand like big seashells. “Ladies just walked onto 
the beach and picked them up,” he told me in April. When 
he put one in a freezer, the shell turned to rubber. 

Somalia’s waters were a colossal crime scene, and to hear 
Eid tell it, no one was around to take action but the Somalis 
themselves. “Our community took a meeting, and we 
decided to fight against the foreigners,” he said. This was his 
simple explanation for why hundreds ofimpoverished men 
like him launched one of the greatest and most improbable 
crime waves of modern times: They became pirates. 

By sheer force of desperation and daring, the pirates of 
Somalia have turned the treacherous waters of the Indian 
Ocean into their personal criminal playground. Starting as 
a vigilante coast guard and morphing into a ruthless mafıa 
at sea, they have captured scores of ships, pocketed tens of 
millions of dollars in ransoms and defied a fleet of warships 
sent by some of the most powerful navies in the world. At 
any given moment they’re holding at least a dozen vessels 
and more than 200 crewmen hostage in the tiny nowhere 
ports oftheir homeland. 

These pirates, however, are not who you think they are. 


< à 


з 


During the first half of 2009 Somali pirates 
attacked more than 140 ships, netting mil- 
lions of dollars. But at best, the ragtag crews 
are successful only a fraction of the time. 


For every successful heist, every breathless report ofa seized 
cargo ship or astronomical ransom, there are an untold 
number of failures. Engines sputter, skiffs capsize, men 
become discouraged or drown. When I saw Eid I began 
to understand why. Thirty-eight years old, soft-spoken and 
sunken-cheeked, he invested and plotted and tried for four 
years—but never actually captured a ship. Last year he was 
arrested, not on the high seas, mid-heist, hero-style, but ina 
crummy guesthouse on Somalia’s barren north coast, where 
he was planning a hijacking. Inside the bleak desert prison 
where he and four co-conspirators are serving 15-year 
sentences, he walked with a distinctly unimpressive shuffle. 
He wore a fraying mesh T-shirt that was at least one size too 
big, and his bony arms seemed to swim in the sleeves. He 
looked almost like a teenager, not the father of two. 

We met about two weeks after a group of pirates seized 
the captain of an American cargo ship, the Maersk Alabama, 
and held him hostage for five days in a lifeboat hundreds 
of miles off the Somali coast. The standoff ended when U.S. 
Navy snipers, perched on a destroyer floating 30 yards 
away, picked off three of the pirates simultaneously and 
hauled away the fourth to face trial in the United States. 
Eid, locked inside his bare brick cell, had heard few details 
of the year’s most dramatic pirate failure, but he seemed 
indifferent. Falling short, even spectacularly, was part of the 
job. His view was typical of Somalis: What else do you expect 
starving men in a dead-end country to do? 

“Tf 20 pirate groups go to sea, one will succeed,” Eid said. 
“Nineteen may fail, but they'll keep trying. They have all 
the equipment and support they need.” 


r PIRACY CAN THRIVE 


IN TOD LIA. T ONLY L HERE IS THE 


LAW OFT E GUN.~ 


A big part of the fascination with men like Eid is the word 
itself: pirate. It belongs to another era, before strong 
governments, advanced navies and international law 
enforcement. This is why piracy can thrive in today’s 
Somalia. The only law here is the law of the gun. 

Somalia is the big crooked elbow at the eastern edge of 
Africa that juts into the Indian Ocean. On a continent carved 
up haphazardly by colonial powers, the country is remarkably 
homogeneous: Its people are of the same ethnicity, speak the 
same language and observe the same religion, Sunni Islam. 
But their fatal fault line is clan. The roughly 10 million 
Somalis divide themselves into a Byzantine array of clans and 
subclans, differences that have made them both incapable of 


9 


ey 


49 


S0 


жам ж 


Farah Ismail Eid (right) is a typical pirate. He failed miserably and was 
arrested. Pirates attack from skiffs (top left) with second-rate weapons 
(bottom left). Jurgen Kantner (top right) was a lucky victim: He lived. 
One of the sailors on another yacht (bottom right) was killed. 


governing themselves and deeply suspicious of outsiders. The 
country hasn’t had a functioning central government since 
1991, when a coup toppled General Mohamed Siad Barre, 
an iron-fisted nationalist who ruled for two decades. Since 
then the country has been one vast conflict zone, fought over 
by an endless succession of warlords and militias who have 
reduced cities and towns to bullet-chewed shells. 

In 1993 a U.S.-led international relief mission fell apart 
after militiamen shot down two Army Black Hawk helicopters 
over the seaside capital, Mogadishu. Eighteen servicemen 
were killed, and hordes of gun-toting young Somalis poured 
out in T-shirts and plastic flip-flops to drag the American 
bodies through the sandy streets. The incident, which 
journalist Mark Bowden meticulously captured in Black Hawk 
Down, was Bill Clinton’s first major foreign-policy blunder as 
president, and it haunted his administration for years. The 
Pentagon remains chastened by the experience; it was the 
last time the U.S. military put boots on Somali soil. 

Today Somalia has a government in name—the 15th 
attempt at one since 1991—but it controls only a few 
buildings in Mogadishu and is under constant fire from 
Islamist militias. The militias, some of which claim fidelity to 
Al Qaeda, are the real authority; even United Nations relief 
trucks pay them protection money. One in five Somalis has 
fled to another country, and any foreigner who steps foot in 
Mogadishu these days risks almost certain kidnapping—or 
worse. On my last visit, in late 2007, the UN relief mission 
I traveled with wouldn’t enter the city limits. We had just a 
few hours on the ground and were escorted everywhere by 
our own mini-militia—a dozen-odd young Somalis with AK- 
47s who rode ahead of us in the beds of Toyota trucks that 
bounced wildly along the cratered tarmac. We called our 
protectors the “blue shirts,” though many of them looked 
as though they could have been in high school. 

Compared with the dystopian hell of Mogadishu in the 
south, northern Somalia remained quiet for years. After the 
coup the fishermen of Puntland, the semi-autonomous region 
that forms Somalia’s northeastern tip, fished the waters as 
they always had, setting off with nets in tiny fiberglass boats 
and returning in the evenings to villages perched atop some 
of the most pristine beaches in Africa. For a while you might 
even have called the place pleasant. I was surefire kidnapping 
bait in Mogadishu, but just two years earlier I had flown on 
a commercial jet directly into Bossasso, a ramshackle port in 
northern Puntland. For a week I rode around town without 


` 


a security detail, wandered through the markets and sat in 
restaurants to devour plates of grilled fish with lemon, all with 
minimal fear of ending up in the trunk of someone's car. 

'The calm on the surface, however, masked a culture of 
criminality that has reached full flower with piracy. Bossasso's 
simple concrete storefronts are notorious for gunrunning 
and counterfeiting, and the remote beaches on its outskirts 
have long been the base of one of the most dangerous 
human trafficking operations in the world. Last year more 
than a thousand Africans drowned trying to cross the Gulf of 
Aden to reach Yemen, aiming for better lives in the Middle 
East. The passage is horrific: Smugglers cram migrants 
by the score into fishing boats for a blood-boiling 30-hour 
journey, and when the waters get rough they routinely toss 
some passengers overboard into shark-infested seas. 

Many of those same boats, Somalis say, are now being 
used for piracy, and Puntland too is all but off-limits to 
foreigners. I floated the idea of traveling there earlier this 
year to Ahmedou Ould-Abdallah, the UN special envoy 
to Somalia, whose offices—like those of every diplomatic 
mission and reliefagency that works on Somalia—are housed 
outside the country in Nairobi, the capital of neighboring 
Kenya. Unfailingly solicitous, the veteran diplomat turned 
cold when I brought up Puntland. "I'd advise you not to 
consider that," he said. "T'd prefer you to stay alive." 


It was in Bossasso that Eid got his start as a pirate. For years 
he continued to trawl for lobsters for a small commercial 
fishing company, eventually saving up to buy three boats of 
his own. But catches rarely seemed to come. In 2005, living in 
a one-room shack with his wife and two children, he decided 
he could no longer stomach the sight of fishermen like him, 
men he knew, coming home with big ransoms. He traveled 
to Bossasso and traded in his fishing equipment and some 
savings for pirate gear: a couple of Kalashnikov rifles and 
rocket launchers. He rounded up five other fishermen, and 
they made a plan to set offin one of his boats to capture a ship. 
"In Puntland,” he said, “it doesn't take long to organize." 
Bruno Schiemsky, former head of a United Nations panel 
that investigated illegal weapons flows in Somalia, believes men 
like Eid are merely the foot soldiers for vast, transnational 
crime networks run by Somali businessmen who live abroad, 
in places like Europe and the Persian Gulf, while overseeing 
shady dealings back home. “Those (continued on page 58) 


“It cam get rather boring on a planet populated by nothing but little green men.” 


51 


The East Coast's 
best student bodies 


he Atlantic Coast Conference 

is looking great as of late. 

The ACC pilfered the power 

football schools from the Big 
East (Boston College, Miami, Virginia 
Tech) a few years ago, North Carolina 
won the NCAA basketball tourney in 
April, and Miami became our top party 
school in May. And then there's the cur- 
rent crop of stunning students. “Man, 
| love college,” musician Asher Roth 
raps on his single, capturing today's 
campus zeitgeist. “Do | really have to 
graduate, or can l just stay here the rest 
of my life?” Well, you do have to grow 
up, but you can always come back 
to PLAYBOY every fall and relive those 
salad days you spent on campus. 


Jennifer Lynn has quite the tail 
feather. She's a competitive person, 
especially in flag football. How about 
two-hand touch? Having earned 
a criminology degree, Stephanie 
Christine is now in law school. She 
А enjoys tennis, travel and penguins. 
\ А f: Clearly she’s well-rounded. 


$1 
| 
мі PHOTOGRAPHY BY 

. GEORGE GEORGIOU, JARMO 


POHJANIEMI AND DAVID RAMS 


Here are some crib notes on how to approach these college girls in 
the library: If you want to strike up a conversation with marine science 
major Alexandra Ford, you must love manatees. She says of attend- 
ing our top party school, “Our motto is, Work hard, play harder. You 
only live once!” Shayne Devereux doesn’t look crunchy but hopes to 
become an environmental lawyer; she believes in going green and a 
guy who does the same. “If you take care of yourself, then I know 
you can take care of me,” she says. Alyssa Omlie aims to become a 
sportscaster. Look out, Erin Andrews! You need to like football and the 
outdoors if you want to hang with Alyssa. Sydnee Stone grew up in a 
small conservative town in the Bible Belt. Now this Tiger has ditched 
the Belt, along with her dress and bra. If you are lucky enough to take 
Candice Maria on a date, bring her to a Dixie joint with a mechani- 
cal bull. “It's all about the thighs and arching your back,” she says. 
An example is to the right. And talk about figures—Shayna Taylor, an 
accounting major, tells us she’s really into calculators. Seriously. 


CLEMSON Î Shayna Taylor—FLORIDA STATE 


Carson 
WAKE FOREST 


“My best feature is my ability to see the bright side of 
every situation,” says business major Connie Du. “Oh, or 
my calves.” Nöel Simone had to quit cheerleading for the 
Terrapins because she was too busy with school—minus one 
point for Maryland. Her family is from Nigeria; they came 
to America for school and made it their home. Nigeria O, 
America 1! Carson digs theme parties. Judging by her shirt, 
she just got back from a Wizard of Oz soiree and is in the 
process of shedding her Dorothy costume. Mya Matthews 
demurely tells us she was a nerd before going to college. 
Clemson should put her before and after shots in its bro- 
chure. Ashley Smith took the words out of our mouth: “1 
have a sweet Georgia peach of a bum.” Sorority girl Jenna 
Arianna is a linguist who eschews Greek for Latin. It's always 
better to communicate in a Romance language. Ashley 
Nicole is a public relations major who has a great image. 


See more girls of 
the ACC at 
club.playboy.com. 


Ashley Nicole—NORTH CAROLINA STATE 


PLAYBOY 


58 


Pirates 

(continued from page 50) 
are the real pirates,” Schiemsky told me. 
That big money is splashing around 
Puntland is apparent in New Bossasso, 
a collection of custom villas on the city's 
outskirts that looks like a shabby, dust- 
colored American suburb, a low-rent 
Orange County of the desert. 

Thanks to these silent backers, the 
pirates are equipped with automatic rifles 
and fleets of motorized skiffs. Most have 
GPS-ready satellite phones with spare 
batteries and money-counting machines 
not unlike those at your local bank. The 
best-funded pirates use mother ships— 
usually other seized vessels—to direct 
attacks and resupply men after long, 
blazing-hot days at sea. There are pirate 
trainers, including many former Somali 
naval and marine officers, who lost their 
jobs after the government collapsed. In 
the largest groups, anywhere from 50 to 
100 men—from the trainers down to the 
cooks—staff a single heist, and payment 
is merit based: The more days you work 
and the more dangerous your job, the 
bigger your share of the ransom. 

“They have a good communications sys- 
tem, and no one can walk into a ship and 
order a captain around without knowing 
something about navigation,” said Twalib 
Khamis, a senior official at the Kenyan 
port of Mombasa. It was a warm day in 
April, and we were sitting in Khamis's 
tidy air-conditioned office overlooking the 
port, the biggest in East Africa. In the first 
six months of 2009 pirates attacked more 
than 140 ships, more than the previous 
year's total. Shipping costs in the Indian 
Ocean have soared, and Khamis said traf- 
fic at the port was beginning to suffer. 

In 1990 Khamis was a young chief offi- 
cer aboard the Kota Ratna, a Singaporean 
container ship. In those days Southeast 
Asia was the world's major piracy hot 
spot—especially the Strait of Malacca, the 
narrow waterway that separates Malaysia 
from Indonesia, where pirates could rob 
ships and swiftly return to shore. The Kota 
Ratna was steaming through the strait 
toward Singapore harbor when Khamis, 
from inside his cabin, heard a scuffle on 
deck. Half a dozen men armed with knives 
and machetes had boarded the ship and 
tied up the captain. After a long, nerve- 
wracking hour, the bandits made off with 
radios, walkie-talkies and big handfuls of 
the crew's cash and belongings. 

Thinking back on those knife-wielding 
thugs, Khamis, now 50, described the 
Somali pirates in awestruck terms. Days 
earlier, pirates had attacked a vessel off the 
Seychelles, an archipelago nation 1,000 
miles east of the Somali shore. “How they 
get there, I don’t know,” he said, staring 
out his window ata silent harbor. “They’re 
becoming more daring every day.” 

Daring, yes—but not always success- 


ful. When Eid and his men set off one 
day in late 2005, they thought they were 
prepared. The plan was to identify a 
target, pull up alongside it and prop 
their metal ladder against the hull of 
the ship. One of the men would climb 
onto the deck while the others trained 
their weapons on the crew, giving him 
cover. Once the pirate had boarded, 
they’d toss him his weapon and clamber 
aboard after him. They even got their 
hands on some secondhand camouflage 
outfits just to look official. 

But when they got about 100 miles 
out into the water, the problems began. 
Eid’s motor might have been service- 
able for fishing, but it was too weak to 
catch up to ships cruising in the open 
sea at 20 to 30 knots. “We saw some, 
but we couldn't get to them,” he said. 
They bobbed along for five fruitless 
days before heading back to shore. 

Eid went back to Bossasso and found a 
stronger engine, a used German model 
imported via Dubai. The following year 
the group set off again, and this time 
they managed to pull up alongside an 
empty cargo ship. As they tried to hoist 
the nine-foot ladder, some of the crew 
members locked eyes with them from 
the deck. They must have been a strange 
sight, this collection of skinny men in 
camouflage, brandishing their rusting 
guns. In the dim evening light Eid could 
make out the crew’s faces clearly. “They 
were white people,” he said. 

This time, however, the team couldn’t 
get the heavy ladder in position. The 
choppy waters tossed them around for 
what felt like several minutes until finally 
the ship steamed out of reach. Then the 
would-be pirates had bigger troubles. Eid’s 
vaunted new engine cut out suddenly, and 
they found themselves stranded in the 
middle of the ocean. They floated in the 
sea for two days and two nights. They were 
out of water, out of food and—because Eid 
couldn’t afford a satellite phone—com- 
pletely out of touch. “I thought we might 
die of hunger,” Eid said. 

The waters in which the pirates oper- 
ate run over the equator, and the sun is 
merciless year-round. Many have per- 
ished at sea. But miraculously for Eid, 
the wind picked up on the third day of 
the journey. They were able to raise a 
sail and maneuver back to shore. When 
they reached dry land, Eid said a prayer 
of thanks. That was the end of the line 
for his luckless pirate gang. They dis- 
banded, and Eid struck off on his own. 


> 
(Жі 


4% 
For all the investment, рігасу remains 
a decidedly ad hoc operation—only as 
sophisticated as the poor, illiterate men 
who do the work. Not all the money is well 
spent. One morning earlier this year in 
Harardheere, a notorious pirate den, an 
unusual shipment arrived by road from 


one of Puntland’s main towns. Ali Abdinur 
Samo, a former member of the pirate 
group, told me the boxes contained used 
scuba gear, a jumble of ratty-looking rub- 
ber tubes and scratched-up masks—but no 
oxygen tanks. A trainer showed the men 
how to fit the masks over their heads, but 
the tubes dangled uselessly at their sides. 

“They didn’t work without tanks,” 
Samo said when we met in Nairobi ear- 
lier this year. “So no one used them.” 

Samo is a slight man whose neatly 
trimmed goatee fringed a constant 
scowl. He said he was 26, but he looked 
much older; lines creased his brow and 
his close-cropped hair was flecked with 
gray. As we sat in a shopping mall cafe in 
Eastleigh, an immigrant enclave ofteem- 
ing apartment blocks and raucous traffic 
circles, Samo explained how he had been 
recruited into piracy last fall. He was 
working at the port of Bossasso, hauling 
sacks of grain and beans under a searing 
sun for a few dollars a day, when a fish- 
erman he knew spotted him. “My friend 
said, “Why are you doing this hard work 
for such little money?’” Samo recalled. 
There was easier money to be had. 

The fisherman brought Samo to one 
of Puntland’s largest pirate groups, 
which called itself the Central Regional 
Coast Guard. He looked like he could 
swim, so he was handed an old AK-47 
and appointed to a team guarding hos- 
tages aboard the pirates’ biggest haul of 
the year: the Sirius Star, a Saudi Arabian 
oil tanker laden with 2 million barrels of 
crude, or roughly one quarter of all the 
oil the kingdom produces in one day. In 
January the ship was freed for a ransom 
that Kenyan maritime experts estimated 
at $3 million. The U.S. Navy released a 
photograph that showed a large crate, 
apparently carrying the money, drop- 
ping toward the tanker by parachute. 

From his post in a speedboat along- 
side the ship, Samo watched the crate 
fall harmlessly into the ocean. “We didn’t 
know if there were explosives inside,” 
he said. Two of the group's most expe- 
rienced pirates went to retrieve it in case 
it was rigged. It wasn’t. That was an eye- 
popping payday; Samo walked off with 
$80,000. A loader in Bossasso would have 
to work more than 60 years to earn that 
kind of cash. “I was amazed it happened,” 
he said. “I realized that this was real.” 

In a few months as a pirate, Samo 
said, he pocketed about $116,000. He 
returned to Bossasso to propose to the 
young woman who had borne his first 
child. Their wedding ceremony cost 
about $5,000 and was everything his par- 
ents could have hoped for—goats slaugh- 
tered, a line of sand-spattered Toyotas in 
the procession, relatives trooping in from 
faraway villages. He bought two houses 
for his family and gave most of the cash 
that remained to his father. “If you have 

(continued on page 112) 


PL TAST] 


N үз 
| LA 


yy 


x 


Something just came up, folks. ГИ get right 


“ 


on it. More at 11.” 


59 


PUMPED FULL OF HORSE 
TESTOSTERONE, "RAT TURDS," 
VODKA AND NICOTINE, THE 
ӨНІП RAIDERS OF THE 19705 
"WERE THE HELLS ANGELS OF 
FOOTBALL. AN UNCENSORED 
ORAL HISTORY OF THE MEANEST, . к 


P } "age" =< 

DIRTIEST, CHERTINGEST TEAM GARA 
EVER TD ШІП THE SUPER BOWL 35 2 í ; % 
KEVIN COOK 


Ж”. pm 


i 


nn 
уч.» e 


They were football’s Klingons, a rowdy, 
hairy bunch who played hard and sometimes 
dirty. They lived the same way. Their boss 
was and still is Al Davis, a sly New Yorker 
the rest of the league hated. Their coach 
was a former offensive tackle who threw 
hair-pulling tantrums on the sidelines. 
Originally named the Oakland Senors in a 
newspaper contest—rigged, of course—the 
team traded its sombrero logo for one of a 
helmeted pirate and became the most feared, 
loathed and envied team in sports. 


DAVE NEWHOUSE, columnist and 
reporter, The Oakland Tribune: I started 
in 1964, the year after Al Davis got 
there. Even then there was an atmo- 
sphere of paranoia, a feeling that the 
league was out to get the Raiders. That 
helped them; they were the renegade 
team. I mean, who else could even 
match their nicknames—Dr. Death, 
the Assassin, the Snake, Ghost, the 
Mad Stork? Police cars would line up 


after practice, waiting for the players 
just in case a war broke out. 

BEN DAVIDSON, defensive end, 1964- 
1971: In the first football game I ever 
played, in junior college, a guy clipped 
my legs and I thought, Man, I could’ve 
gotten hurt. I reached into his hel- 
met and felt his eye. And I gouged it. 
He screamed and ran off the field. I 
thought, Here’s the game for me. 
NEWHOUSE: Davidson helped set the 
style with his big menacing mustache. 
DAVIDSON: I showed up at camp in 
1965 with a full beard. In those days 
a beard equaled hippie equaled com- 
munist. To his credit Al Davis didn’t 
say “Shave that.” He asked “You’re 


going to shave, aren't you?” So I 
found some clippers the trainer used 
to shave our ankles before he taped 
them—not the most sanitary clippers. 
I used them to shave everything but 
my handlebar mustache. 

JIM OTTO, center, 1960-1974: Ben 
thought quarterbacks wore skirts. He 
got a bad rap for being a dirty player, 
mainly for breaking Joe Namath’s jaw. 
We prided ourselves on hitting harder 
than anybody, even after the whistle. 


Coach John Madden gave the players 
game-day schedules. In the spot reserved 
for the kickoff were four words: “We go to 
war.” Other teams wore sports coats on the 
road, but the Raiders sported jeans, leather 
jackets—whatever the players wanted. 


NEWHOUSE: They were the first NFL 
team with no dress code for road 
games. They hung out together, drank 
with fans, drank with reporters, and 


Opposite page: Raiders center Jim Otto in the early 
1970s. Otto required so many surgeries on his right knee 
that doctors eventually decided to amputate all of the 
leg beneath it. “I understood the risks when I played,” 
says Otto. “It was worth it.” Left: Coach John Madden 
after Super Bowl XI—Raiders 32, Vikings 14. Above: Otis 
Sistrunk sacking Fran Tarkenton in that same game. 


on Sunday they’d beat people up. And 
they weren’t just mean; they were great 
football players. Otto, George Blanda, 
Gene Upshaw, Art Shell, Ted Hen- 
dricks, Willie Brown, Fred Biletnikoff, 
Dave Casper and coach Madden—they 
all went to the Hall of Fame. This was a 
once-in-a-century sports franchise. 

MATT MILLEN, linebacker, 1980-1988: It 
all goes back to Al Davis and John Mad- 
den. People who see John as the video- 
game guy don’t know what a great coach 
he was. John wanted a big offensive 
line and a strong running game with 
a halfback who would block—tough, 
straight-ahead football. Al fostered an 
us-vs.-them attitude. I came along later, 


but the Raiders way had already been 
set. My rookie year I looked up and 
there was a sign on the wall: RAIDER 
RULES. Rule number one was “Cheating 
is encouraged.” Rule number two was 
“See rule number one.” 

OTTO: Madden’s second year, 1970, was 
historic. The AFL and NFL merged. 
We went 8-4-2, which would have been 
5-9 without George Blanda’s magic. 
GEORGE BLANDA, kicker and quarter- 
back, 1967-1975: It wasn’t magic. Daryle 
Lamonica got hurt, and I went in. 


The crusty Blanda was 43 years old. 
He had broken in with the 1949 Chicago 
Bears, playing behind Sid Luckman. When 
quarterback Lamonica went down in 1970, 
backup Blanda went into the huddle. “Shut 
the hell up,” he said. “We’re going to kick 
their ass.” Davidson speared Chiefs quar- 
terback Len Dawson after the play was over, 
triggering an on-field brawl. Blanda then 
kicked a 48-yard field а 10 зас. a tie. 


He won the next game with a 52-yar 


then won the next two with a last-gasp blo 


touchdown pass and another field goal. 


BLANDA: Quarterbacks called their own 
plays in those days. Pd call a pass to a guy 
I knew could get open: Fred Biletnikoff. 
People say Biletnikoff wasn't fast. Bullshit. 
Fred was no burner, but he had great 
ability to fake and get a defender’s feet 
crossed. Quick’s better than fast in football. 
KEN “THE SNAKE” STABLER, quarterback, 
1968-1979: Fred was intense. He’d chew 
his fingernails and smoke a pack of ciga- 
rettes before a game. And he kept stick- 
um all over his hands, which was legal 
then. I’d tell the center, “If Biletnikoff 


61 


62 


catches a pass, ask the official for a new 
ball.” You don't want to throw a ball with 
that goo on it. Freddy was sneaky fast—if 
the DB sat on him, we'd beat "em deep. 
TOM FLORES, assistant coach, 1972-1979; 
head coach, 1979-1987: In the early 1970s 
our quarterback Daryle Lamonica beat 
man-to-man coverage with deep passes 
and in-routes. But then the defenses all 
started playing zone, and Snake Stabler 
was better against that. Kenny’s arm 
wasn't that strong, but he was much more 
flexible as a thrower and a leader, with a 
quick delivery. He could beat you deep or 
dink three short ones in a row. 

MILLEN: A major part of every team's 
character had to do with the quarter- 
back's guts. Back then you had to practi- 
cally maim the passer to get called for 
roughing. So the question was, How 
much beating could your QB take and 
still deliver? John Unitas had that tough- 
ness. Blanda had it. Snake too. 
You could knock the piss out of 
him and he'd come right back. 
STABLER: We got Cliff Branch 
in 1972, and Cliff could out- 
run the cars in the parking lot. 
Now I had him on one side 
and Freddy on the other. 
FLORES: When we got Branch 
I told Snake, “Just fling it as 
hard as you can; Cliff will run 
under it.” And he'd throw so 
hard he spun around like a 
discus thrower. What a com- 
petitor! Snake would come 
off the field with snot running 
out of his nose and down his 


beard, with that look in his eye—like he 
would not tolerate losing. 

NEWHOUSE: A lot of that Raiders atti- 
tude goes back to Jim Otto, who loved 
the blood and guts—a true warrior. One 
time Otto tore five ligaments in his leg on 
one play. They flew him to Los Angeles 
for surgery. We heard he was out for the 
year, except he sneaked out of the hos- 
pital, flew back to Oakland, drove his 
little Volkswagen Bug to practice and 
limped to the field. Madden threw a fit. 
“Get out of here!” Jim's leg was black. 
He said, “Let me practice. If I can't do 
the job, ГЇЇ leave.” He played the whole 
season and made the Pro Bowl. 

OTTO: I’m nota complainer. You don’t want 
to be a burden to the team, so you endure. 
DAVIDSON: We used to say, “Welcome 
to Oakland, home of the Hells Angels, 
Black Panthers and Oakland Raiders— 
sometimes all three in the same person.” 


PHIL VILLAPIANO, linebacker, 1971-1979: 
Madden treated us like men, and he 
knew we'd run through a wall for him. 
His rules were “Practice hard, be on 
time and play your butt offon Sunday.” 
OTTO: He got so worked up during 
games, pulling his hair and yelling, 
turning bright red. We called him Pinky 
behind his back. 
DAVIDSON: John had some unusual 
sayings. 
JOHN MADDEN, head coach, 1969-1978: 
Don't worry about the blind mule; just load 
the wagon. 
DAVIDSON: Nobody was sure what he 
meant by that. We were full of strange 
dichotomies—thinkers and shouters, 
craziness and discipline. 
GEORGE CARLIN, comic and Raiders fan: 
I root for the Oakland Raiders because they 
hire castoffs, outlaws, malcontents and fuck- 
ups, because they have lots of penalties, fights 
and paybacks, and because Al Davis 
told the rest of the pig NFL owners 
to go get fucked. 
VILLAPIANO: It was geared 
toward winning, and that came 
right down from Al Davis. You 
do what it takes. Al may not have 
bugged the other team's locker 
room, but they thought he did. 
Oakland has great weather, but 
the grounds crew would turn 
our field into a swamp and we'd 
come out in long cleats. If the 
Steelers won the flip, we'd start 
the game with a football that was 
half out of air. Al would sidle up 
(continued on page 122) 


` 2009 NFL PREVIEW 


—— س‎ e 


THE TOP 10 STORY LINES THAT WILL SHAPE A SEASON TO REMEMBER 


SPORTS ARE ABOUT STORIES. THE 
HUMAN DRAMA, THE MAKING OF 
HEROES AND GOATS ON A PUBLIC 
STAGE BEFORE MILLIONS—THAT'S 
WHAT MAKES US TUNE IN. 


We think of it as theater played out in 
real time, the greatest reality-TV show on 
earth. So what are the story lines for this 
NFL season? To name a few: (1) Brady 
is back...and so are the Patriots. When 
Tom Brady was carted off with a knee 
injury in the 2008 season opener, the 
Patriots’ hopes of capturing a sixth con- 
secutive AFC East title left the field with 
him. Despite winning 11 games with a 
backup, New England missed the play- 
offs for the first time since 2002. Now 
Brady is back, and so is the swagger. 
The Patriots have won 24 of their last 
26 games with Brady taking snaps. This 
season he’ll be aiming to join Hall of 
Famers Terry Bradshaw and Joe Mon- 
tana as the only quarterbacks to win four 
Super Bowls. (2) One-year wonders. 
The Atlanta Falcons have never posted 
back-to-back winning seasons in their 
43-year history. The Arizona Cardinals 
haven’t done it in 25 years. The Cardi- 
nals are the defending NFC champions, 
and the Falcons are 11-game winners. 
Arizona needs to keep an old quarter- 
back (Kurt Warner) healthy, and Atlanta 
needs to continue the development of a 
young one (Matt Ryan). Our prediction? 
See below; we’re picking both to win 
divisions. (3) Drafting arms. Chicago 
has tried and failed to draft a championship 
quarterback, using first-round picks over the 
years on Jim Harbaugh, Cade McNown and 
Rex Grossman. This season the Bears will 
try to win a Super Bowl with another team’s 


FOOTBALL CONFERENCE 
AFC EAST 
AFC NORTH 
AFC SOUTH 


AFC WEST 


WILD 
CARDS 


NEW ENGLAND 
BALTIMORE 
HOUSTON 


PITTSBURGH 
INDIANAPOLIS 


NEW ENGLAND 


BY RICK GOSSELIN 

first-rounder—Jay Cutler, acquired from 
Denver. (4) Cold hands. Terrell Owens has 
caught TD passes from a procession of Pro 
Bowl quarterbacks: Steve Young, Jeff Gar- 
cia, Donovan McNabb and Tony Romo. He 
also has inconsistent hands. His 93 dropped 
passes this decade are tops in the NFL. 
Having been banished to Buffalo in 2009, 


Owens will be colder, the footballs will be 
harder—and the task of catching passes will 
be compounded by severe snow and wind 
and an inexperienced QB. T.O.'s reality 
show will get more attention than his action 


dy take home his 


fous uper Bowl ring? 
- 


— Áo 


on the field this season. (5) Arrow pointing 
up: the Houston Texans. (6) Arrow point- 
ing down: the Carolina Panthers. (7) Lions 
in hibernation. Compared with the Lions, 
the auto industry is thriving in Detroit. The 
Lions became the first NFL team to finish a 
season 0-16 in 2008. Can a new coach (Jim 
Schwartz) and a new quarterback (Matthew 
Stafford) make a difference? (8) Lords 
of the rings. The NFL loses Super Bowl 
championship coaches Tony Dungy, 
Jon Gruden, Mike Holmgren and Mike 
Shanahan from the sidelines in 2009. 
They leave behind giant shoes to fill for 
Jim Caldwell (Colts), Raheem Morris 
(Bucs), Jim Mora (Seahawks) and Josh 
McDaniels (Broncos). The 11 coaching 
changes in 2009 tie an NFL record. (9) 
Money matters. If the NFL can’t reach 
an agreement on a contract extension 
with the Players Association this fall, 
there will be no salary cap in 2010. That 
means no ceiling ($128 million in 2009) 
on what a team can spend on talent— 
but also no floor ($108 million in 2009). 
This will completely change the dynam- 
ics of the NFL. Parity will disintegrate 
and a caste system of the haves and 
have-nots will evolve, as it has in base- 
ball. The Cowboys could become the 
New York Yankees and the Buffalo Bills 
could become the Pittsburgh Pirates. 
(10) The class of rookies. As always 
it’s a thrill to see how the heroes of the 
college game will fare in the NFL. We 
have the aforementioned Stafford, who 
should start at QB in Detroit; receiver 
Hakeem Nicks, who'll take over for Plaxico 
Burress in the Giants offense; and defen- 
sive phenoms Aaron Curry (Seahawks) and 
B.J. Raji (Packers). You have to pull for the 
young guns, the future of the game. 


NATIONAL 


FOOTBALL CONFERENCE 


А-- 


NFC EAST 
NFC NORTH 
NFC SOUTH 
NFC WEST 


WILD 
CARDS 


NY GIANTS 
CHICAGO 
ATLANTA 
ARIZONA 


PHILADELPHIA 
НЕШ ORLEANS 


NY GIANTS 


64 


GROWS UP 


¡E IA IN 
ы. í ` 
\ 


BY ERIC SPITZNAGEL 


CAREER, ESPECIALLY 


A COMIC GENIUS LIKE RICHTER. BUT AFTER NINE YEARS ON HIS OWN, 
HE’S BACK BY CONAN’S SIDE...AND DAMN HAPPY TO BE THERE 


ndy Richter is standing at the summit of 
Mount Hollywood, looking out at the vast 
Los Angeles basin. Despite his doughy 
exterior—or maybe because of it—Richter 
loves to hike the trails in the Hollywood 
Hills. And he knows the area well. The view is spectacular 
from up here, the city laid out before him in an amazing 
panorama. He takes a deep breath, admiring the view. 
Then he unzips his pants and starts to take a leak. 

“From a distance this town can be quite beautiful,” 
Richter says as he pisses over a nearby ledge. I can't tell 
if he's being ironic. His urine stream is aimed squarely 
at the Hollywood skyline, which may be symbolic of 
something—maybe his feelings about the industry and 
how it has treated him over the years. Or it could be just 
a coincidence. Probably the latter. 

Richter is trying to explain his role on the new Tonight 
Show, which Conan O'Brien took over as host in June. Not 
surprisingly, he's having difficulty explaining exactly what 
he does. “Im an announcer-y, sidekick-y cast-member 
kind of thing," he says. “I don't know how else to describe 
it. It’s a fucking talk show, and he’s the host, and he talks 


рылымы 


to me, and I talk to him, and I do comedy bits. I’m kind 
of there to lighten the load. Otherwise it'd be all about 
Conan, and nobody wants to see that.” 

You can't blame Richter for being uncomfortable about 
the word sidekick; it has too many negative connotations. 
Everybody knows sidekick is just a polite way of saying 
“second banana.” The sidekick isn’t the star. The sidekick 
stands in the shadows, clapping like a monkey and 
laughing at the hosts jokes. The sidekick is always 
Robin, never Batman; Tonto, never the Lone Ranger; 
Chewbacca, never the Leia-banging Han Solo. Sidekicks 
don’t get the respect they deserve. Frodo got all the credit 
for saving Middle Earth in Lord of the Rings, but his hobbit 
sidekick Sam did all the heavy lifting. 

Talk-show sidekicks have an especially difficult 
road, often stuck in that frustrating limbo between 
semicelebrity and wingman anonymity. Ed McMahon 
spent 30 years on The Tonight Show, and his sole claim 
to fame was being an appreciative audience for Johnny 
Carson. Does anybody really want his or her legacy to be 
a throaty chuckle? Before McMahon, Peggy Cass served 
as Jack Paar’s frequent sidekick on the show, almost 


ILLUSTRATION BY DANIEL ADEL 


66 


ШІ)! 


rm. | 


I 


IM 


adi 
< 


TL 
) 
' 


^ 


/ 
y^ 
# ж 


F: 


HIS FIRST SITCOM, ANDY RICHTER CONTROLS THE UNIVERSE (2002), WAS LOVED BY CRITICS BUT ULTIMATELY DIDN'T CONTROL THE RATINGS; IT LASTED TWO 
SEASONS BUT STILL HAS A LOYAL CULT FOLLOWING. HIS NEXT SHOW, QUINTUPLETS (2004), AIRED FOR 22 FORGETTABLE EPISODES ON FOX. IT WAS FOLLOWED 
BY THE UNDERRATED AND INVENTIVE ANDY BARKER, P.I. (2007), CO-CREATED BY O'BRIEN, WHICH RAN ON NBC FOR A TOO-SHORT SIX WEEKS. 


eclipsing her career as an Oscar-nominated actress and 
game-show mainstay. Regis Philbin is one of the few 
who managed to cast off his sidekick shackles—in his 
case, a two-year run on The Joey Bishop Show in the late 
1960s. But he had to storm off the set in a snit during a 
broadcast before anybody took him seriously. 

Richter is anything but remorseful about his return 
to late-night TV, even if he won't use the S word. “I’ve 
been shitting solid turds of relief ever since getting this 
job,” he says. “Especially now in this economy, I’m just 
so fucking happy to have a regular job.” That means 
returning to a post he technically retired from nine 
years ago and maybe eating a little humble pie. When 
news broke that he would be reuniting with Conan on 
The Tonight Show, one celebrity website ran the snarky 
headline CONAN O BRIEN REHIRES POOR, FAILED ANDY RICHTER. 
Richter doesn’t have a problem with that. 

The past decade has been hit-or-miss for Richter. 
Since leaving Late Night—the talk show that launched 


him into stardom and on which he could still call himself 
a sidekick without wincing—in 2000, he hasnt had 
the best luck as a leading man. He starred in critically 
lauded but largely unwatched sitcoms such as Andy 
Richter Controls the Universe and Andy Barker, PI., as well 
as what-the-hell-was-he-thinking fare such as Quintuplets. 
He was also in the Olsen twins flop New York Minute. His 
fans adore him, though—the blogosphere is filled with 
frothing-at-the-mouth declarations of Richter’s comedic 
brilliance—but apparently not enough to watch him on 
his own prime-time sitcom. 

“I don’t have any regrets,” he says. “I’m disappointed 


some of the sitcoms weren't more successful, but I wouldn't 
have done anything differently. Well, just generally I wish 
Га been more productive. I should’ve tried to write more 
of my own material. Most of the things I’ve done, usually 
somebody else built it and said, ‘Hey, come in here and 
help us run this ship.’ I didn’t do enough of it myself. I 
didn’t design any big ideas from scratch, which I think was 
because of garden-variety insecurity and fear. 

“I had a lot of ambitions when I left the show,” he 
continues. “I wanted to do my own things and try something 
different. Now I feel, Okay, I gave all that a shot, and it was 
great, but I miss the smallness of doing a late-night show.” 

I point out that he’s probably the first person ever to 
describe The Tonight Show as small. 

“I don't mean small in terms of scope,” he says. “I mean 
the immediacy of it. Anywhere else, if I have an idea, I 
have to go out into the world and try to sell it. But here, 
if Ihave an idea, I can put it on TV tonight.” 

When he finishes pissing we continue our hike until 
we come to another ledge. It's an unusually clear day for 
Los Angeles; the smog has been beaten down (at least 
temporarily) by rain, and we can see the entire city from the 
Valley to the coastline. Richter gives me a guided tour of his 
adopted hometown, pointing out various neighborhoods 
and providing bite-size factoids about them. 

Silver Lake, he says, is filled with “fucking hipsters in 
their fucking fedoras, riding around on bikes without 
brakes.” Hancock Park, where he lives with his wife and two 
kids, is “the second stop on the white-flight trail.” He visits 
downtown L.A. frequently “because for some reason my 
children love all things Japanese.” And don’t forget Beverly 
Hills, which apparently is populated by “strange lizard 
creatures and creepy old women with huge, tight tits.” 

Ed McMahon— who died in late June, only a few 
weeks after Richter made his Tonight Show premiere— 
will be a shadow looming large over Richter. McMahon 
was his only real predecessor on The Tonight Show and 
the man whom, for better or worse, he will be compared 
with and judged against. 

Richter is humble and complimentary—and almost 
apologetic—when McMahon’s name comes up. “I definitely 
admire him,” he says. “He was the ultimate big affable 
lout, and I’m certainly of that school. At least I hope I am. 
Гуе got people working day and night on it. He sort of 
imprinted himself on this job. I could only hope to leave as 
much of a mark as he did.” (concluded on page 111) 


III 


A 
A 


“Ja, the beer here is wunderbar...but personally I come here for the strudel.” 


by Ti H E photography by 


JAMES IMBROGNO 


THE 


PLAYBOY 


GOURMAND 
HAS A DATE WITH DESTIN Y 
THE BIG EASY: 


IN 


HUNDREDS OF 


OYSTERS AWAIT 


acific Northwest oysters have 
P their place, as do the delicate 

oysters of Maine. Japanese 
oysters—kumamotos—are among the 
best. And French oysters—belons, for 
example—are delectable. Every oyster 
is a unique reflection of the seabed in 
which it grows. To me, there's noth- 
ing better than Louisiana oysters. 
What they lack in delicacy they make 
up in vigor. They're usually big and 
salty and sweet. But it doesn't matter 
much how they vary from other oys- 
ters, because they all taste like the sea. 
And New Orleans is the place to go if 
you want to eat oysters. 

At P&J Oyster 10 shuckers work 
from 4:45 A.M. till 11 A.M., opening 
30,000 oysters a day. They stand at 
an elevated counter, slipping knives 
through shells with a rhythmic click. Or 
so Pm told. This being New Orleans, 
I arrive too late to see any shucking. 


Only a couple of men remain, washing 
down the walls and floors. 

Sal Sunseri, vice president of P&], 
greets me in the company office on 
Toulouse Street, where he is finish- 
ing his day's work with his sister 
and nephew. His own office is filled 
with maps and various paraphernalia 
(hand-painted oyster shells, photos, 
toys). He's a fourth-generation oys- 
terman, one of seven kids. Sal says he 
drank oyster juice out of a bottle as 
a baby, and if he got to where he is 
today because of his diet, he's a good 
argument for oysters. Nearly all the 
oyster bars and fine restaurants in 
New Orleans buy their bivalves from 
him. Leah Chase, legendary proprietor 
of Dooky Chase restaurant, says she 
has never in 65 years used an oyster 
from anyplace other than Р&]. 

New Orleans is the nation's oys- 
ter capital, and PS] is ground zero. 


About half the fresh oysters Ameri- 
cans eat come through the Crescent 
City, and the lion's share of those are 
distributed by P&J, founded in 1876 
by John Popich and Joseph Jurisich. 
Oyster farming in Louisiana has tra- 
ditionally been the province of Croats, 
who raised oysters in the Adriatic. 
Sal probably knows more about 
oysters than anybody else in the U.S. 
He tells me an oysterman can distin- 
guish by taste or appearance between 
a Caminada Bay and a Pumpkin Bay 
oyster. He will also tell you oysters are 
good year-round, but it's in his inter- 
est to have everybody eat them every 
day. Oysters lose much of their sharp 
mineral flavor and become milky and 
undistinguished in warm weather. But 
with the arrival of cooler tempera- 
tures, they take on a lot more flavor. 
Sal shows me around the shop. The 
walk-in cooler at P&] has burlap sacks 


OPEN FOR BUSINESS: Ten shuckers work at P&J Oyster, opening more than 30,000 of the bivalves a 
day. It's hard work, but a good shucker can make a decent living in New Orleans. Louisiana oysters 
are robust but are still great on the half shell. That's Sal Sunseri at right with a sack of oysters. 


C has been a New Orleans 
L i e 1919. C.J. Gerdes has 
worked in his family's restaurant since he 
was a kid. Using a basic setup, he dredges 
oysters in corn flour and cooks them in lard. 
They're the best fried oysters in the world. 


of oysters piled on pallets. It smells 
invigoratingly of the sea and of miner- 
als. I'm ready for a dozen right there. 
H.L. Mencken disapproved of fry- 
ing oysters, claiming it destroyed the 
flavor. But Casamento's is a temple of 
oysterdom, and co-owner C.J. Gerdes 
makes the finest fried oysters in the 
world. Since the restaurant's founding, 
in 1919, its white clapboard front, clas- 
sic neon sign and brisk white-tile inte- 
rior have been an uptown landmark 
on Magazine Street. New Orleans has 
other oyster joints, of course. Bozo's in 
Metairie is worth a visit, and Drago's 
is famous for its garlicky char-grilled 
oysters. But nobody tops Casamento's. 
C.J. is a broad-shouldered 52-year-old 
who has worked in the family business 
since he was a teenager. He's the grand- 
son of founder Joe Casamento, and 
he and his wife, Linda, run the place. 
When I go to visit C.J. on his birth- 
day, he's wearing a sleeveless Under 
Armour shirt and a close-trimmed 
beard. His restaurant is closed for the 
summer, and C.J. is on vaca- 


*NO CIVILIZED MAN, 
SAVE PERHAPS IN 
MERE BRAVADO, 
WOULD VOLUNTARILY 
EAT A FRIED OYSTER.” 
—H.L. MENCKEN 


tion. We sit at a table and talk. 

C.J. has fried millions of oysters in his 
day, all in cast-iron pots on an old six- 
top stove. He works with two shuckers, 
then dredges the oysters in corn flour. 
His secret is frying them in lard at a 
high temperature (450 degrees). He tells 
me he can judge the oil’s heat by the way 
a pinch of corn flour spreads or how 
the oysters sound when they go into 
the pot. Such knowledge derives from 
experience. *I've had people tell me 
they tried to fry oysters at home," says 
C.J., “but most home stoves don't get 
hot enough. Even if you get the oil hot, 
it becomes too cool when the oysters 
go in." Not much has changed at the 
restaurant since the 1920s, and that's 


one reason Casamento’s is so extraordi- 
nary. It's a small place, and sometimes 
you have to wait to eat at one of the 12 
tables. But it's always worth it. 

There are two camps in New Orleans: 
those who prefer to eat oysters at Acme 
and those who prefer theirs across Iber- 
ville Street at Felix's. I am in the latter 
camp, primarily because Felix's has a 
better feel and a majestic marble oyster 
bar. Lee Harvey Oswald is said to have 
worked as a numbers runner out of there. 
Nothing is better than to stand at the rail 
at Felix's and have the shucker open a 
dozen—remember to tip him well—to 
accompany a cold Abita Amber. 

And there's the matter of aphrodi- 
siacs. Casanova, it is said, ate 50 oys- 
ters for breakfast whenever he had a 
chance. Maybe it's symbolic, maybe 
it's real. Some people will tell you 
oysters are high in zinc, and zinc is 
one of nature's most fertile nutrients. 
Who knows? But one thing is certain: 
Few things are more promising than 
a woman who has an appetite for 
oysters on the half shell. 


OYSTER STEW 


% lb. good butter with liquid 
1 сир chopped 4 cups whole 
onions milk 
3 cloves garlic, salt 
chopped white pepper 
1 cup chopped cup finely 
celery chopped 
1 sprig thyme parsley, for 
2 tbsp. flour garnish 
2 pints oysters, 


In a large, heavy pan, melt butter 

on a low flame. Add vegetables and 
thyme (but not parsley). Sauté for five 
minutes, stirring well. Add flour, and 
sauté for another two minutes. Add 
oysters (with liquid) and milk. Cook 
on medium flame for 20 minutes, 
stirring occasionally. Add salt and 
white pepper to taste. Garnish with 
chopped parsley. Serve hot. 


CHARBROILED OYSTERS 


1 lb. butter % сир grated 
З cloves garlic, ресогіпо 
minced cheese 
salt parsley for 
black pepper garnish 
3 dozen 1 dash 
shucked Tabasco 
oysters, on sauce 
half shells 


Fire up the Weber grill. Melt butter 

in a pan; stir in garlic, salt and pep- 
per. Lace each oyster in its shell with 
the garlic-butter mix. Add a pinch 


P&J’S OYST Б.СЕУІСНЕ 
67,4 


2 dozen oysters, ~~ any color 
shucked % cup.chopped 

1 large tomato, parsley 
skinned, seeded cup chopped 
and chopped cilantro 

1 Vidalia onion, % cup vinegar 
chopped % cup orange 

2 jalapeno juice 
peppers, seeded salt 
and chopped black pepper 

Y. cup chopped juice of 2 limes 
sweet peppers, juice of 1 lemon 


Strain oysters. Prepare marinade 

by combining all ingredients except 
oysters in a large bowl. Add oysters 
to marinade, cover and refrigerate 
overnight, mixing occasionally. 

All recipes (except shooter, below) 
adapted from Kit Wohl’s wonderful P&J 
Oyster Cookbook (Pelican Publishing). 


of cheese. Grill over hot coals until 1 tall shot glass 1 shucked oyster Oyster shooter recipe 
oysters puff up and begin to curl. % ounce vodka 2 dashes Tabasco from Michael Farrell, 
Garnish with parsley and a dash of (cucumber flavor 3 thin slices of executive chef at 


Tabasco. Serve immediately. works well) jalapeno 


T TO DI 


RD 

Perhaps more than any other seafood, oyst ne when accompanied 
by alcohol. There are plenty of ways to go. If you’re eating a dozen on 
the half shell, a cold beer is hard to beat. Pilsners are great, but fried 
oysters with Guinness are also special. If you’re in the mood for something 
fancier, try a glass of champagne. The classic French accompaniment is 
Chablis (the 2006 Boudin Chablis is a bargain), but any minerally white 
Burgundy will work. Stay away from oak. 


11 


nT 


N ^ EAT (n. coc 
W IO EAI O ERS 


It was a brave man who ate the first oyster. But after the first, its a cinch. 
Don’t be afraid to be sloppy. The best way to open an oyster is to have 
someone show you how. It's easy to cut yourself when shucking, so use 
the right utensil (try a Dexter Russell Sani-Safe oyster knife), and wear 
gloves or hold a towel. The biggest mistake home shuckers make is not 
washing the outside of the shells. Don’t be reluctant to buy oysters already 
shucked—they'll do fine if you're cooking or making a stew. If you can, 
shuck your oysters immediately before consuming them. 


ACCOMPANIMENTS 

Sebastian Cabot, it is said, ate his oysters with black pepper and nothing 
else. The Southern standard is cold oysters on the half shell with cocktail 
sauce or a dash of Tabasco. If you want to go the French route, try a 
mignonette of shallots and vinegar. Or just a squeeze of lemon. 


"IS LS TA 1 e 
COCKTAIL € 


Mix half a cup of ketchup, half a cup of horseradish, the juice of one 
lemon and a tablespoon of Worcestershire sauce. Saltine crackers are an 


optional accompaniment. 


MIGNONETTE 
Finely dice two shallots, add a lot of fresh black pepper and soak in half 


a cup of red wine vinegar. 


Le Meritage atthe 
Maison Dupuy. 


NS 


Cassotrea virginica is 
extraordinarily versatile 
and lends itself to a wide 
variety of preparations. 
Classics such as oysters 
en brochette and oysters 
Rockefeller are always wel- 
come, but oyster lovers can 
also delight in new, creative 
pairings. Chef Michael Far- 
rell (right) has been open- 
ing eyes in New Orleans 
with his innovative cuisine. 
Check out his imaginative 
oyster dishes at Le Meritage 
at the Maison Dupuy. 


72 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY STEPHEN WAYDA 


t was exactly a year ago that 2008's 

reigning Miss Louisiana Teen USA, 

Lindsey Gayle Evans, was—as 
ЈА they say in her home state—up shit 
creek. The Northwestern State University 
broadcast-journalism major from Blan- 
chard, Louisiana had involved herself in 
a dine-and-dash at a restaurant, only to 
realize she had left behind her (oops) pink 
wallet containing her ID and (oops) a nickel 
bag of pot. She ended up in the back of a 
cop car, “bawling my eyes out,” Lindsey 
remembers. She knew this one would make 
the news. “1 said to myself, Attitude adjust- 
ment time, girl. Fuck the crown. Turn the 
frown upside down and smile for that mug 
shot.” Score one for Team Evans: The tab- 
loid press could resist neither Lindsey’s 
deliciously blonde saga nor the beaming 
mug shot that accompanied it. Pageant offi- 
cials weren't as charmed; Miss Louisiana 
Teen USA was stripped of her title. “For 
a long time | was a competitive goody- 
goody girl who sang in my Baptist church 
choir and made good grades. Then one 
night | found myself on Playboy.com, and 
I sent a message that went something like 
‘Hey, this is Lindsey Evans. I’m a former 
Miss Louisiana Teen USA, and I'm tired of 
being good. Are y'all interested?”” Indeed 
we were. What's next for Miss October? "I 
want to go as far as | can with PLavBov. | want 
to be the next Pamela Anderson. Why not? 
I’m a girl who likes to have a good time, 
just like she does. So let the good times 
roll: Laissez les bons temps rouler!" 


per qt 


PLAYMATE DATA SHEET 


BUST: EUM ШЕ Е | | 
HEIGHT O WEIGHT: | 1O И | 
BIRTH м ded IR BIRTHPLACE: Pa (| 
AMBITIONS WO | | 
C= үй 
TURN-ONS: -oN m W 
0 Ve s be a 


A SONG THAT DESCRIBES MY ee Mm f D m 
(n y 


CELEBRITY CRUSH: | il or 


SOMEONE I LOOK UP TO AND WHY: En has ht 

me how to live lire p Ме ГТ and always 
brightest Shining SW in the sky. 

DREAM HOME: L^ j Gl O Dn 10 NDME | 0 

wraparound porch and lots of land and animals. 


FAVORITE COLORS: 


Chrigtmastime, Hara! Freshman Winning the title 
nine Years old.  Cheerleading pic. that got taken away. 


PLAYBOY’S PARTY JOKES 


Dia you hear about the coed who had two 
chances to get pregnant? 
She blew it both times. 


The closest many fraternity members ever get 
to a 4.0 is their blood alcohol level. 


What is the definition of a lady? 
Someone who doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke 
and curses only when it slips out. 


Alimony is a deal that enables a woman to 
profit from her mistakes. 


What happens when a lawyer takes Viagra? 
He grows taller. 


A woman who was in labor started screaming 
profanities at her husband. 

“Hey, don’t blame me,” he shouted back. “I 
wanted to put it in your ass, and you said that 
might hurt.” 


The cure for love at first sight is often to take 
a sober look. 


А teacher was trying to broach the subject 
of sex with her grade-school students and 
asked them if they had ever seen anything 
related to it. 

A girl raised her hand and said she’d seen a 
movie about a woman having a baby. “That's a 
good example,” said the teacher. 

Then another raised her hand and told the 
teacher she’d watched a TV show about people 
getting married. “Well, yes, that has to do with 
sex too,” said the teacher. 

Then a boy raised his hand and said he had 
once seen a Western in which savage Indians 
come riding over a hill, and John Wayne 
shoots half of them. The teacher said, “Well, 
that really doesn’t have anything to do with sex 
education.” 

“Yes it does,” the boy replied. “It taught 
those Indians not to fuck with John Wayne.” 


What has 75 balls and screws old ladies? 
Bingo! 


Whats the best way for a woman to ensure 
her husband remembers their anniversary? 
Get married on his birthday. 


An American college student backpacking 
through northern Europe picked up a blonde 
at a bar and brought her back to his hostel to 
have sex. After he’d climaxed he asked her, 
“So, you finish?” 

“No,” she replied, so he started up again. 

He came a second time and then asked, 
“You finish?” 

Again she said no. 

Once more he went at it, and after coming 
again, exhausted, he asked, “Now you finish?” 

“No,” she answered. “I’m Swedish.” 


What should your first move be after you 
rear-end a car on the freeway? 
Hang up the phone. 


A man was walking by his friend’s place when 
he noticed him exiting his house dressed 
completely in orange. “Where are you going 
dressed like that?” he asked. 

"I'm going hunting,” the man shouted. 

“But hunting season is over,” his friend 
replied. 

“Yes,” the man whispered, “but my wife 
doesn’t know that.” 


Sa 
After paying for a wedding, all a father has left 
to give away is the bride. 


Two college students were walking down 
the street when a beggar approached them 
and asked for a handout. The first rejected 
the man, but the second took out his wallet, 
removed some money and handed it over 
with a smile. 

“What did you do that for?” asked the first. 
“You know he’s only going to use it on drugs 
or booze.” 

The second replied, “And we weren't?" 


On some women, stretch pants have no choice. 


Send your jokes to Party Jokes Editor, PLAYBOY, 680 
North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611, 
or by e-mail through our website at jokes.playboy.com. 
PLAYBOY will pay $100 to the contributors whose sub- 
missions are selected. 


Make someone happy with 
a Gift Subscription to 


PLAYBOY 


DIGITAL 


GET Z FREE GIFTS 
when you give 


PLAYBOY 


ER, = 
E ¿Me -Fè E m n І | M 
i PLAYBOY'S |. Wa 
ОЛО) wow) AN М 
Z 2 ~ L 14122 
\ 


“Will you please stop saying “cut”... 


J” 


83 


PLAYBOY'S 


age of peak oil. Af ө 


e other guy es 
Meet the other guy ! 


Christopher Feliciano Arnold +] 


cary 
“+ 


x 


Я ө E s 
EN Y х e 5 L . WI 
^ V. . eet "d^ 4 "д 


п downtown Houston, energy capital of the world, nobody 
bothers to turn out the lights. Even now, at four in the morning, the i ” 
skyline glares outside my apartment window. I towel sweat from ; ` 
my face, mile 10 on the stationary bike, and watch Bloomberg's ` 
update on the overnight commodities trade. Crude is heading 
lower, testing resistance at $80.03 a barrel. Refineries have been humming : ? 
at top capacity for weeks, and tomorrow's EIA report will show stockpiles 
at record highs. There's simply no reason to buy oil this morning. Unless ` 
you know something. | 
One thing I know is that 400 miles west, in Ozona, Dad is probably awake ' e ЖЫ 
Í in bed, a heating pad on his back. Thirty years as a roustabout in the oil WE 
fields, maintaining pipelines, repairing drills in the noon heat, and lately 
Mom says he's too sore to sleep. Sore is how I remember him, coming home 
at dusk with black hands, aching joints. He'd swallow two Advils and a beer 
0 before tossing the football with me under the light in the driveway while 
the pumps rose and fell on the horizon. That's the curse of the West Texas 
oll worker: In country so flat, the fields are never out of sight. 


86 


AMONG THE STUDENTS WHO ENTERED THIS YEAR’S WRITING CONTEST, PAUL KEILANY OF THE 
UNIVERSITY OF TENNESSEE AT CHATTANOOGA RECEIVED SECOND PRIZE FOR “INSTANT RELIEF.” THE 
THREE THIRD-PLACE WINNERS ARE JAMEY BRADBURY OF THE UNIVERSITY OF NORTH CAROLINA 
AT GREENSBORO FOR “WOMEN AND CHILDREN,” JEREMY LAKASZCYCK OF THE UNIVERSITY OF 
MASSACHUSETTS BOSTON FOR “USEFUL THINGS” AND JOHN TALAGA OF THE UNIVERSITY OF SAN 
FRANCISCO FOR “THE HUNTING PARTY.” STUDENTS IN THE ILLUSTRATION CLASS AT NEW YORK’S 
PRESTIGIOUS SCHOOL OF VISUAL ARTS COMPETED TO ILLUSTRATE THE FIRST-PLACE STORY. THE 
WINNING ENTRY, BY MICHAEL MARSICANO, IS ON THE PREVIOUS TWO PAGES. THIS PAGE FEATURES 
ILLUSTRATIONS BY THE RUNNERS-UP SHOWN ABOVE, CLOCKWISE FROM TOP LEFT, IS THE WORK 
OF STUDENTS DONG YUN LEE, RAY JONES, ERIC LOSH, JOHN MACCONNELL, YURIKO KATORI AND 
MARTIN WITTFOOTH. FOR NEXT YEAR’S CONTEST, VISIT PLAYBOY.COM/CFC. 


The freeway is bright and empty. 
Above the city, heat lightning turns 
clouds into flashbulbs as I drive 
through the Whataburger for cof- 
fee. By the time I park downtown 
crude has fallen another 15 cents. It's 
going to be a steep slide today. At this 
moment I own 500 October futures 
contracts, each representing 1,000 bar- 
rels. Every penny counts, and as the 
price breaks the $80 floor, I picture all 
that oil—three tankers’ worth—mak- 
ing its way across the Atlantic, losing 
value by the second. But daydreaming 
is for rookies. Over the next six weeks 
ГЇЇ buy and sell these contracts dozens 
of times, and when those tankers come 
to port, the crude in their hulls will just 
be data in my trading log. 

Technically that money belongs to 
Centaur Global Energy Resources 
Fund. Our clients pay Centaur to make 
big bets with their money. I make the 
biggest bets and almost always win. 
Thirty-two years old, a certified rain- 
maker, authorized for 200 million. 
But in eight years behind the trading 
desk I’ve never held a position this 
big. Blow $40 million and I can say 
good-bye to my allowance. 

But the bosses trust me. The NYMEX 
market for light sweet crude is the most 
liquid in the world. Information is pri- 
ority one. If you're losing, it’s because 
the other guy knows what you don't. 
'That other guy is me. The corner of 
the global market where I am not to 
be fucked with is the Niger Delta— 
home to some ofthe purest, most easily 
refined crude on the planet. New patch 
being drilled? I already knew that. 
Pipeline shutting down? Knew that too. 
What other traders hear as fact, I know 
as rumor. What other traders hear as 
rumor, Í know as fact. A mosquito can't 
suck a drop of blood in the Delta with- 
out me hearing. 

'The sun won't be up for an hour 
and already I'm boiling in my suit. 
Entering the air-conditioned building 
is like walking into an ice age. Behind 
the security desk Terrence snores. 
'The terminal beeps when I slide my 
card, and he jolts awake with a snort. 
I hand him a cup of coffee. 

“Just what the doctor ordered," he 
says, peeling the lid open. “You giving 
up on sleep entirely, Mr. Hunter?" 

“We're supposed to do that every 
day?" 

"Some of us try to." 

“ГІ have to remember that,” I say 
and step into the elevator, hit the but- 
ton for the 61st floor. 


At 5:30 A.M.—11:30 A.M. West Africa 
time—I call my friend Isaac in Waterside. 
Isaac is my eyes and ears in the Delta. 

(continued on page 126) 


“I cam see why you’re captam of the pole-vaulting team!” 


87 


BY JASON BUHRMESTER 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY 
ROBERT SEBREE 


THE SAN DIEGO CHARGERS' 
RECHARGED AND READY TO HIT ANYTHING THAT MOVES 


Q1 
PLAYBOY: You missed nearly all of last season to have surgery 
on two torn ligaments in your left knee. How tough was the 
decision to take the season off? 

MERRIMAN: It wasn't hard once | played the first game. | knew 
physically | wouldn't be able to play through a full season. If 
I was going to get surgery, | had to get it done right then or it 
would have been lingering the following season. 


02 
PLAYBOY: Was the decision entirely yours, or did you have 
people pulling you in different directions? 

MERRIMAN: My family said, “Boy, you are crazy.” They told me 
to get it done and sit out the season. My coaches wanted me to 
make the best decision for myself. It came down to just me and 
my doctors, which is why І took so long to make a decision. If 
I felt | couldn't go out there and play, | would have gotten the 
surgery before the first game. | pushed and scrounged to try 
to get one game in. | thought | had a chance to go out there 
and perform well. 


03 
PLAYBOY: How dangerous is the rebuilt Shawne Merriman? 
MERRIMAN: I’m so dangerous right now | scare myself. I'm 100 
percent healthy for the first time since entering the league. My 
first year | tore my posterior cruciate ligament. People didn't 
know І had a torn PCL throughout my whole career. My knee had 
never been 100 percent. Now I’m the strongest I’ve ever been. 


Q4 


PLAYBOY: Has your nickname always been Lights Out? 


MEANEST SOB IS REBUILT, 


MERRIMAN: I’ve always had a nickname everywhere I’ve 
played football. | played four years with the Boys and Girls 
Club, and they called me Big Moose because I’d run people 
over like a moose. Then it changed from Big Moose to Pepco, 
which is a gas-and-electricity company back on the East Coast. 
During my sophomore year | knocked four guys out of one 
game, sol became Pepco until my junior year. They kept call- 
ing me that, and l said, “I don’t like that name because if that 
company goes out of business, | go out of business.” | changed 
it to Lights Out. Every level I’ve played-high school, college 
and even in the pros-I’ve been able to knock somebody out 
to prove | deserve that name. 


05 
PLAYBOY: What is the hardest hit you’ve delivered in the 
NFL? 

MERRIMAN: When | knocked out Priest Holmes. That was 
probably the hardest hit, and from what I’ve heard, it was one 
ofthe loudest hits anybody has ever heard. That’s coming from 
teammates of his and coaches | saw in the off-season. They 
said, “Look, man, | was on that sideline when you hit Priest, 
and that was probably the worst thing I've ever seen.” 


06 
PLAYBOY: That hit injured Holmes’s spinal column, sidelined 
him for the 2005 and 2006 seasons and is said to have led to his 
retirement. Some critics claim it was an illegal hit. 

MERRIMAN: They said a bunch of stuff. When I was in high 
school parents sent letters complaining that | shouldn't be on 


the field with their sons, that! was (continued on page 115) 


AS SCHOOL 
GETS BACK 
IN SESSION, 
PLAYBOY 
TAKES AN 

` INSIDE LOOK 
AT THE SECRET 
` SEX LIVES AND 
STEAMY SIDE 
JOBS OF SIX 
ALL-AMERICAN 
COLLEGE GIRLS. 


DOES HE 
SEXT? SHOULD 
SHE WAX? 

THE RESULTS OF 
OUR CAMPUS 
SEX SURVEY 


photograph 
by Richar 


Kern ` 


LEA, 22, University of Illinois 


t was my freshman year, my schol- 

arship money was running out, 
and I didn’t want to live in my par- 
ents’ basement for the summer. I had 
a friend back home who had made 
good money as a phone-sex worker, 
so I thought I would give 
it a try. I quickly learned 
that fetish hotlines provide 
the best compensation. You 
don't have to audition; you 
don't even have to fake an 
orgasm— you just have to 
sign up for it. I was 19, and 
Pd had sex with only two 
guys when I started doing 
phone-sex work. 

You get paid by the min- 
ute based on the average 
length of your phone calls, 
so I had a technique to draw 
them out longer. 1 would 
answer as an operator and 
ask, “What kind of fantasy 
would you like? Would you 
prefer a younger girl or a 
girl with more experience? 
Someone submissive or 
someone dominant?” Then 
I would put the caller on 
hold for about 30 seconds, 
clear my throat and answer 
the phone as whomever 
or whatever they’d asked 
for. Usually the guys were 
ready to go and just wanted 
to have someone on the 
other end when they came. 
Part of the job of doing the 
operator’s voice was to talk 
them down so the minutes 
would keep adding up. 

I kept a diary with 
descriptions of my differ- 
ent characters. The three I 
did most were Tiffany, my 
college bimbo; Natasha, my 
dominatrix; and Electra, my 
she-male character. I didn’t 
know Га need a she-male 
character, but one day this 
guy—without any hesitation 
in his polite voice—said, “I 
would like to speak with a 
she-male, please.” And I 
thought, Am I allowed to do that? 

There are rules about what you can 
and cannot pretend to be. You’re not 
allowed to pretend to be an animal. 
You’re not allowed to pretend to be a 
minor. And you’re not allowed to pre- 
tend to be related to the caller—that’s 
incest. But there’s nothing in there 
about pretending to have a penis. So 
I ran into my living room, where my 
gay roommate was hanging out, and I 
said, “I need help.” He came into the 


73% 


room and started coaching me. 

If every caller had been like the 
guy who wanted to talk to a mother- 
and-daughter pairing, it might have 
changed my opinion of men—neg- 
atively, obviously. But the guy who 
wanted a she-male was a perfect 
gentleman. He even said thank you 
after he was done. The job completely 


Playboy College 
Sex Poll 2009 


WE SURVEYED MORE THAN 5,000 STUDENTS— 
MALE AND FEMALE—ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS ON 
CAMPUS. HERE’S HOW THEY GET DOWN: 


AE 


HAVE MET A HOOKUP 
ONLINE: 25% 

HAVE USED A WEBCAM 
FOR SEX: 26% 

HAVE VIEWED 

PORN ON A LAPTOP 
IN CLASS: 29% 

ARE IN A NUDE PIC 

ON SOMEONE'S CAMERA 

PHONE: 34% 

HAVE SEXTED: 49% C» 
HAVE GONE ON DINNER- 
AND-A-MOVIE DATES: 
e 


COEDS WHO: 
LEAVE AFTER SEX: 17% 


HAVE DONE WALK 
OF SHAME: 47% 


HAVE SEX DAILY 
DO IT WEEKLY 


ARE VIRGINS 
HAVE HAD MORE 


— h 
WITH A 


e | THE SACK. 


changed my perspective on having 
a partner with fetishes or kinks. It 
doesn't make him a pervert. 

The most frightening thing any- 
body ever said to me? “Now let me 
talk to your mom.” 


KATHRYN, 23, Gonzaga University 


t was the first semester of my 
freshman year. One of my profes- 


THAN SEVEN PARTNERS 20% 


SOMEONE (IN 
SOME CASES 
THEMSELVES) 
WHO HAS SLEPT 


PROFESSOR OR 
A TEACHER’S 
ASSISTANT. WE 
NEGLECTED TO 
ASK THESE 
STUDENTS TO 
GRADE THEIR 
TEACHERS IN 


sors was 28, and I was 18. A couple 
of weeks into class he asked each of 
his students to come to his office for 
a one-on-one meeting to get to know 
him. So I went, and we hit it off. He 
was pretty cute, and I got the feeling 
I wasn’t the first student he’d had a 
relationship with. 

Gonzaga has a strict policy about 
that. Professors aren't 
even supposed to be close 
friends with students. 
Maybe that's why I was 
interested—knowing it 
was bad. I promised him I 
wouldn't tell, and I lied to 
my roommate and to the 
other students on my hall 
in the dorm whenever I 
would go out and have cof- 
fee or dinner with him. 

One night when he was 
drunk he said things that 
made it clear he was inter- 
ested in me, but I didn't 
know what to do about 
it. I was only 18, and I 
kind of freaked out. One 
night a week later we were 
e-mailing back and forth, 
and he asked if he could 
come get me at my dorm. 
"Nothing has to happen," 
he said. ^I just want to 
spend the night with you." 
So I was like, Fuck it, sure. 
He came to my dorm and 
walked me back to his 
apartment. While we were 
having sex that night he 
jokingly told me I was get- 
ting an A. I'm not stupid. 
I didn't buy that "nothing 
has to happen" line. 

I most definitely got 
straight A's in his class 
after that. I would like to 
think I earned my A's, but 
I had been failing the class 
before anything physical 
happened, and I ended up 
with an A, so.... 

At the time I had real feel- 
ings for him, but I also think 
I had a romantic notion of 
that kind of thing—I wasn't 
thinking that I was impres- 
sionable or young or that he 
had taken advantage of me. 

He moved to the East Coast after 
that semester, but I still talk to him 
every couple of months, even now. It 
turns out he was dating another girl 
at school the same time he was see- 
ing me, and he's with that other girl 
now in New York. I'm glad I'm not 
her and that I let it be just a college 
fling: the freshman girl who had a 
secret affair with the cute professor. 
I don't regret it at all. 


15% 
43% 
17% 


91 


92 


SARA, 24, University of Washington 


was in my last year of college, and 

I had zero money in the bank. But 
I had a drawer full of underwear I 
hadn’t worn in years, so I posted a clas- 
sified ad on Craigslist. I called myself 
Sadie and said I was a 19-year-old col- 
lege student. I was actually 23. 

I sold the panties for $20 for the 
first pair and $5 for any additional 
pairs. To me it was all profit; it was 
underwear I hadn’t worn in a long 
time, or it was ripped or dirty, what- 
ever. I didn’t tell my boyfriend about 
it, but I thought, What he doesn’t 
know can’t hurt him. 

I was expecting it to be much seedier 
than it actually was. It cracked me up. 
I would sit in front ofthe computer for 
hours and laugh my ass off. Lots ofthe 
guys were really into full-back white 
cotton panties, which is strange because 
as a girl I think those are the least sexy 
underwear I own. It turns out these 
guys wanted to wear them. When I ran 
out of panties, I just got more. 

There were a lot of questions about 
what sizes I had. Most guys didn't 
want thongs because it's more unnat- 
ural for a guy to wear them, I guess. 

I never sent pictures, and I never 
met any ofthe guys in person. Some of 
them were really pushy. One offered 
me $250 to stand on a street in down- 
town Seattle and pass him the bag of 


underwear when he walked by. Mostly 
I mailed the panties, but sometimes I 
would wrap them in a little package 
with a bit of pink tissue paper, spray 
some perfume on them and leave 
them in a parking lot or some other 
public place. Then I would e-mail the 
guy about where they were. 
Somewhere along the line it started 
to feel wrong. I thought, I feel dirty, 
and I don't want to feel like this. So 
I canceled everything and said to 
myself, I'm done. I would say to any- 
body who ever thinks about doing 
this: As long as you do it safely, it's a 
pretty funny way to make money dur- 
ing college, and you can make a lot. 
I'd say 70 percent to 75 percent of 
the guys were total gentlemen—aside 
from the fact that they were buying a 
19-year-old's underwear online. 


JENNIFER, 22, Stephen F. Austin 
State University 


'm a Tri Delt, and I was recruiting 

this really cool girl, Mandy, to join the 
sorority. We were at a fraternity party, 
and she and I started talking. It turned 
out we were dating the same guy. Let's 
call him Тот. She'd been his girlfriend 
for a while, and I'd been hooking up 
with him for only a few weeks. But once 
we realized he was a total dirtbag, we 
weren't jealous of each other at all; we 
actually hit it off as friends. 

So we put our heads together. What 
can we do to nail this guy? He'd lied to 
both of us, telling her he was with only 
her and telling me he didn't have a girl- 
friend. And he'd sworn up and down 
that each relationship was exclusive. 


Sex Poll cont. 


HOW COEDS BARE 20% 
THINK NATURAL 21% 
A GUY TRIMMED 59% 
SHOULD BE 

GROOMED: 


HOW MEN PREFER 
A WOMAN TO BE 
GROOMED: 


ull 
Tria 


47% HAVE 
HAD ANAL 
SEX, 

17% TRIED 
IT ONLY 
ONCE, 

AND 13% 
ROUTINELY 
DO IT IN 
THE BUTT. 


18% 


OF GUYS ADMIT 
TO MASTUR- 
BATING IN THE 
COMMUNAL 
SHOWER. 


That night we left the party kind of 
drunk, went to Walmart and bought 
the cheapest camcorder there. Then I 
called Tom and made plans to go out. 
Mandy came over to my apartment with 
the camcorder before I left to meet him. 
Her plan was to hide in the closet, video- 
tape us hooking up and then jump out 
with the camera to bust him. 

Tom and I had some drinks, and I 
texted Mandy that we were going back 
to my place. She parked her car around 
the corner, hiding it from his view. Then 
she went inside my closet and cracked 
the door wide enough to videotape us. 

Tom and I went back to my apartment. 
I took him to (continued on page 116) 


DRESS SENSE 


How ARG THINGS N^ wew UE ИЕ BRAY 

WITH YOUR VES MY Mis FAVOR 

NOW GUYZ WARDROBE. o HE 
Yo. 


HE GOES CRAZY 


f BOUGHT AND WTS Hof EVEN 
МУЗ A NEW MEHTION MAE WEATHER 
GARTER А24 MINISKIRT 
AND HE VANE, 


If. 


IN SHORT, HE LOVES 


| " 
EVERYTHING Y HAVE. wv, HE WON'T 


TAKE THE DAMN 
ТІКЕ OF FL 


THAT Ро ҮТ SOUND So BAP. 
WHERES THE PROBLEMZ е 


Ал REG 


93 


COAT: TRY BURBERRY, $487. 


w 


JACKET: TRY FRED PERRY, $264. 
DENIM SHIRT: TRY CARHARTT, $30. 


(IDS ARE ALL RIGHT 
FOR THE LOOK оғ TOMORROW, LOOK TO THE STREETS TODAY 


PROTEST IS A RITE of passage for youth. And with each new gen- 
eration comes new ideas about music, political ideology and style. 


The tradition of postwar modern style stretches back to the Days of is seen at the forefront of social change is also at the vanguard of style. 
Rage and the Weathermen, the streets of Paris in May 1968 and the Неге are the ideas and the styles of tomorrow, with captions that explain 
radical chic stylings of Angela Davis, Huey Newton and Bobby Seale. how you can replicate these looks on a street fighter's budget. 


BOY ГО. FASHION 
JACKET: TRY G BY!GUESS, $70; 


DIESEL, $230. f | | A 
‚ HOODIE: TRY AMERICAN APPAREL, $41. 


The boulevardiers you see here—all of them captured in acts of street 
protest by photographers—represent the vitality of change today. What 


"CHUCK TAYLOR ALL STARS 
-BY CONVERSE, $45; 
DESIGN YOUR OWN CHUCKS, $70; 
HUCK TAYLOR BY JOHN VARVATOS, $145. 


BARACUTA, $290; 
COACH, $328. 


2 uy 


7 


| 


nomic summit, smashing bank 

windows in the city's financial 
Students demand that French Thousands take to the streetsto Protesters charge through Lon- center. Their message: The 
president Nicolas Sarkozy do protest the shooting of a young don and clash with riot police system has robbed the poor to 
more to fight the economic crisis. man by a police officer. during this year’s G20 eco- benefit the rich. 


ET: TRY AMERICAN LIVING, $60; %» 
ACNE JEANS, $198; 
WILLIAM RAST, $363. 


т рт 
21818 


1. PARIS, APRIL 7, 2009 « 2. PARIS, MARCH 31, 2009 « 3. PARIS, MARCH 31, 2009 « 4. PARIS, MARCH 16, 2009 « 


Students block traffic outside a Marchers crowd down the Rue The protest continues, forcing Angry students hurl garbage and 
prison to demonstrate against a de Rivoli to protest high unem- riot police to take to the streets beer bottles at police near the 
government employment contract. ployment among French youth. in an attempt to gain control. Place de la Concorde. 


NECTION, $92; 
L & JOE, $188; 
O RALPHÆ AUREN, $248. 


JACKET"TRY AMERICAN RAG, $80; 
—G-STAR-RAW DENIM, $260; 
MARC BY MARC JACOBS, $388. 

y > 


JEANS: ТВҮ HOLLISTER, 570; 
LEVPS, $80; 
HELMUT LANG, 5225. 


DISCLAIMER: We are firm believers in personal freedom, including the 
freedom to alter your brain and body chemistry in whatever way pleases 
you, as long as you're not hurting anyone. However.... We are journalists, 
not white coats. Take this story to your doctor and tell him what you want. 
If you order these pills off the Internet and they arrive from China, you're 
on your own. Two things are clear: (1) For the past decade, big pharma has 
been set on fast-forward, and (2) we are living through a golden age of 


THE 


pills. There is now a concoction to treat just about every emotional or phys- 

ical problem, often with negligible side effects. Americans spent $235 bil- 

lion on prescriptions last year. People are still getting high, of course, but Ы 
the trend in prescription-drug use today is performance enhancement—at É 
work, at the gym and in the sack. Still more magic bullets are in the pipe- 
line—pills to boost your cognitive abilities, male birth control pills, a sunless 
tanning pill —but here's what's out there on the market right now. 


TAKE ONE TABLET БҮ 
MOUTH DAILY 


YELLOW 
TABLET 


GOLDEN AGE 


Medicine 
an Empty 
Stomach 


DESK DRAWERS AND POCKETS 
FULL OF.YELLOW ONES, GREEN 
ONES, BLUE ONES... 


OF PILLS 


RX 07312009-243 am30° Be); 


ne With a 
Full Glass 
of Water 


04/13/10 
NN 


Take This Medication at Least 4 Hours Before Taking 


Use This Medicine Exactly As Directed. 
Antacids, Iron or Vitamin/Mineral Supplements. 


Do Not Skip Doses or Discontinue Unless 


A A ЧТ ОД TEA ai 


You want to: 
STAY AWAKE FOR DAYS 
You sbould take: 


PROVIGIL (MODAFINIL), NUVIGIL 
(ARMODAFINIL) 

What you need to know: 

If you have to pull an all-nighter, Provigil is your 
friend. The Air Force feeds it to fighter pilots to 
ensure they’re alert after 40 hours without shut- 
eye. In business circles Provigil is often referred 
to as “the entrepreneur’s drug of choice.” The 
new pep pill on the 
block is Nuvigil, 
which Cephalon 
(the company 
that also makes 
Provigil) is up front 
about positioning 
as mind candy for 
suits. Got a busi- 
ness meeting after 
a red-eye? Nuvigil. 
Have to drive some 
“cargo” overnight 
from Tijuana to 
San Francisco? 
Nuvigil. Kick ass 
today and sleep 
it off tomorrow. 


Directed By Your Doctor 


w sss m a> > 


You want to: 

BOOST ATHLETIC PERFORMANCE/ 
REMEMBER WHERE YOU PARKED 
You should take: 

ERYTHROPOIETIN (EPO) 

What you need to know: 

This drug has caused its share of sports 
scandals. It turns you into a bit of a super- 
man but doesn’t shrink your nuts (anabolic 


steroids) or cause the bones in your face to 
grow abnormally (HGH). Essentially, EPO 


stimulates the production of red blood cells. 
The more red blood cells you have at a 
given time (say, during the Tour de France), 
the more oxygen your blood can carry. The 
more oxygen your blood can carry, the bet- 
ter your muscles perform. Scientists have 
noted a side effect in patients who use EPO 
legitimately to combat anemia and kidney 
failure: It enhances memory. 


You want to: 

SLAY STAGE FRIGHT 

You should take: 
INDERAL (PRO- 
PRANOLOL) 
What you need to 
know: 

You know how 
you need a few 
drinks before you 
approach that 
blonde at the bar? 
Think of Inderal 
as a magic pill 
that gives you beer 
balls. It’s referred to 
as a beta-blocker, 
originally crafted 
to treat high blood 


pressure, but because it blocks adrena- 
line, it also cures stage fright. Concert 
cellists have been known to pop this 
stuff before performances. “In the 
past two or three years Гуе had more 
people come to the office wanting beta- 
blockers for things like PowerPoint 
presentations, primarily people giving 
in-office talks when their boss is there,” 
says Dr. William Walton, a Dallas- 
based physician. 


You want to: 


You should take: 


What you need to know: 


These pills are forms of amphetamine that 
big pharma produces to make hyper kids 
(and adults) calm down. For people without 
ADHD it acts as a mild stimulant, giving 
them laserlike focus. Adderall tells the brain 
to amp up the activity of norepinephrine 
and dopamine, which essentially accelerates 
brain-cell efficiency. As a result its usage has 
reached epidemic proportions on college 
campuses. “It's the drug your parents want 
you to take,” one college student tells us. It 
also has a come-down, which gives it a high 
potential for addiction in those who overin- 
dulge to stave off the refractory period. 


ILLUSTRATIONS BY TIN SALAMUNIC 


You want to: 


You should take: 


What you need to 

know: 

These fellas make 

up the antianxiety 
wing of the storied 
benzodiazepine family, which has replaced 
barbiturates for the treatment of anxiety 
and insomnia. The first benzodiazepine 
(Librium) was discovered in 1955, and 
since then its family has blossomed into 
more than 15 unique flavors that vary pri- 
marily in how quickly they act and how 
long they last. Klonopin came into vogue 
recently, as did Ativan, a fast-acting 
drug for immediate relief of anxiety. It’s 
important to note the older you get, the 
slower your body 
will process some 
benzodiazepines, 
meaning the effect 
can be prolonged. 


You want to: 


You should take: 


What you need 
to know: 

These all work similarly, by increasing 
blood flow to your member. But bear 
in mind the differences: Viagra and 
Levitra take half an hour to start and 
last four and five hours, respectively. 
Cialis takes 15 minutes to take effect 
and lasts up to 36 hours. While on 
these, you won't be hard all the time, 
but you should be able to achieve an 
erection when you want. These drugs 
affect the circulatory system, so if you 
have heart issues, talk to your doc. Oh, 
and if you end up with a 12-hour erec- 
tion, find someone to share it with. 


You want to: 


You should take: 


What you need to know: 

These drugs are classified as sedative hyp- 
notics. They don't knock you out like old- 
school sleep aids; they suggest to your mind 
that it's time for sleep. They wear off after 
two to three hours, by which point you're 
asleep, so when you wake up you don’t feel 
as though the inside of your head is coated 
in carpet lint. People have been known to 
get up and do all kinds of things on Ambien, 
especially if they've been drinking or taking 
other substances. The most notorious effect 
is sleep driving, though there have also been 
reports of sleep eating and sleep sex. For 
the record, we oppose sleep driving. 


You want to: 
You should take: 


What you need to know: 

Most people who take Propecia don't adver- 
tise it. In fact, you'd be surprised to learn how 
many guys are on this drug. It makes hair 
grow on bald men's heads by blocking a hor- 
mone that kills hair follicles. Propecia is the 
only treatment on the market that reverses 
frontal receding; most other cures take care 
of just the bald spot on the back of your 
dome (and don't work nearly as well). Bear 
in mind once you start on Propecia you're 
stuck popping it until you're ready to give 
in to nature's depilatory bulldozer. Dr. Marc 
Avram, director of the cosmetic surgical unit 
at New York-Presbyterian Hospital, warns, 
“If you quit, you lose the hair you've grown.” 
We'd rephrase that to “the hair that it grew." 


» ince the 
` audiences 
^ vampire 
W passion, 
—" nation 
no different. 
see the 
below the 
argue that 
culture almost 
Yet many 
ula who come 
movies are 
book describes 
man with 
brows, white 
hairy palms 
not Bela 
him Raymond 
England— 
sion of the 


era modern 

to relish 

of great 

current fasci- 

vampiric is 

its hard to 

the sex simmering 

days one can 

fantasies in pop 
fangs. 

readers of Drac- 

from vampire 

that the 

as an old 

bushy eye- 

moustache, 

breath—in short, 

and before 

onstage in 

different ver- 

count, one 


that has since informed most 
modern interpretations of blood- 
sucking fiends. First on Broad- 
way and then in the 1931 Tod 
Browning-directed film, Lugosi 
transformed the vampire into 
a seductive creature dressed 
in tails and an opera cape, 
with glossy slicked-back hair 
and a distinguished manner. 
Although the notion of a noble- 
man preying on weak-willed 
women wasn't new to vampire 
stories, the walking corpse had 
changed to a man about town, 
a dangerous playboy who is a 
threat to the women he meets. 
Subsequent portrayals—such 
as those by Christopher Lee 
(1958), Louis Jourdan (1977), 
Frank Langella (1979), Gary 
Oldman (1992) and Gerard 
Butler (2000)—cemented the 
public’s view of Dracula as a 
charismatic, compelling and 
romantic figure. Jourdan and 
Langella seduce their victims, 
reserving physical attacks for 
their male opponents. Oldman’s 
Dracula is shown having sex 
with one of his victims. Other 
vampire characters on film have 
been just as sexual. For exam- 
ple, Tom Cruise appeared in 
1994 as Lestat, the Anne Rice- 
created rock-star vampire who 
preys only on evildoers. Lestat 
lives with a male adult vampire 
(played by Brad Pitt) and a five- 
year-old vampire girl (a very 
young Kirsten Dunst), simulta- 
neously projecting homosexu- 
ality and pedophilia. William 
Marshall’s dignified vampire in 
Blacula (1972) kills ruthlessly 
to protect his relationship with 
his reincarnated wife. Catherine 
Deneuve's Egyptian vampire in 
The Hunger (1983) has bisexual 
relationships with younger vam- 
pires. Lauren Hutton's vampire 
countess in the comedic Once 
Bitten (1985) gets it on with a 
young Jim Carrey, and David 
Boreanaz's Angel and James 
Marsters's Spike (Buffy the 
Vampire Slayer, 1997 to 2003, 
and Angel, 1999 to 2004)—soul- 
endowed vampires who fight bad 
vampires—each in turn falls prey 
to the charms of Buffy. CBS's 
Moonlight (2007 to 2008) and 
most recently HBO's True Blood 
(2008 to present) contrast the 
sexual relationships of a roman- 
tic, lonely gentleman vampire 
and beastlike rogue vampires. 
All signs point to the hot- 
blooded trend increasing in 
(text continued on page 118) 


TS 


E 


AA 


A 


Where are the others?” 


«с 


CODE be 


22 


it, Harry—it's that nice Mr. Bently we met on the tour!” 


“Pm sure 0 


TERN, 4 


"Accursed Daylight Saving Time!” 
FUEL x 


COPS 


>” 


= 
o 


“On the other hand, people always remember my name....” 


INSANE EYE 
DOCTOR ANDI АМ 
GOING To KILL YOU NOW 
AS You SIT THERE READING THIS: 
ven mien e эче main o 


ASS 


“Tt's the kind of trade you get in a 24-hour-a-day joint.” 


PLAYBOY 


HARRELSON 


(continued from page 46) 
exactly like Elvis] “A well I, bless my soul/What's 
wrong with me?/I'm itching like а man on a 
fuzzy tree....” Just after Elvis died, I sent away 
and got one of his records—Elvis’ Golden Records, 
I think it was called. I used to sing songs from it 
in high school, and soon enough people started 
saying, “Do your Elvis.” I remember doing it 
one time in the school library. I started off qui- 
etly, but pretty soon people were gathering 
around and clapping, and I’m getting louder, 
and pretty soon the whole library’s gathered 
around clapping along with it. 

PLAYBOY: How old were you? 

HARRELSON: About 16. And then I jump up on 
the table and finish it, and even the librarians 
are cheering! It was just before Christmas, a 
time that’s festive. It was a good thing I did that 
because Robin came over afterward. She was 
this gorgeous sophomore who went out with 
this senior from the football team. Anyway, she 
came up and said, “Did you ever think about 
joining the theater?” She worked in the theater 
club or whatever. I had never even thought 
about acting, but since Robin was acting, I said, 
“Well, maybe so.” Next thing I knew I was act- 
ing and going out with Robin. 

PLAYBOY: It’s funny how one person can 
change your whole life. 

HARRELSON: So true. Or changing one 
habit. I remember when I stopped drinking 
Coke and started drinking Sprite because I 
thought that looked clearer and cleaner. It 
was just a mental thing, but it started my 


evolution toward a healthier lifestyle. Soon it 
was, “I don't do soda pop.” That simple shift 
in diet, in controlling what I ate, gave me 
more energy. From there everything shifted 
in terms of being easier. That led me to think 
of other ways to increase energy, and soon 
I tried veganism. Not out of compassion for 
animals at first—that came later—but because 
of how good it made me feel. Before I knew it 
my whole diet had changed. But it all started 
with one small step —not drinking Coke. 
PLAYBOY: Do you worry about aging? You're 
nearing 50. 

HARRELSON: I feel the approach, that's for 
sure. It seems like once you get to a certain 
age, people constantly want to tell you how 
old you are. Especially people who have that 
blessed gift of youth. “Oh, I wasn’t even born 
when you did White Men Can't Jump” or what- 
ever. But I remember being 21 and thinking 
how old 30 was. Forty was grandpa territory. 
The other night I went to the graduation 
party of a kid we've known since he was six. 
I met a lot of his high school classmates, and 
they were just great. I ended up challenging 
the class champions at a game of beer pong. 
PLAYBOY: Did you play Maui rules? 
HARRELSON: No, it was pretty standard. You 
get six cups in pyramid formation and try to 
get a Ping-Pong ball into a cup. If you sink it 
in their cup, they drink. We were undefeated 
through the night. It was incredible. Finally I 
had to crawl into bed at four in the morning. 
But I was up bright and early doing hard-core 
yoga, which cures any hangover. 

PLAYBOY: We noticed a yoga swing over your 


bed. Is yoga helpful in that department, too? 

HARRELSON: Yoga is the best thing for your sex 
life! It keeps you limber in all kinds of ways. 
It teaches you to love your body and your 
partner's body. But more than anything, it 
keeps your mind liquid, and nothing's sexier 
than that. Mind and body open to possibili- 
ties. I read this quote from Bruce Lee, one of 
the greatest quotes ever. He said, "Be water." 
We can become so rigid in our beliefs, in our 
thinking, and I think yoga is a great way to 
force you outside of your mental and physical 
rigidity. My mind was rigid growing up, as I've 
explained, but so was my body. Super tight. 
Yoga started curing the chronic pain I had, 
but it also released my mind along with it. 

In many ways I feel I'm battling to stay 
liquid, to be like water. I don't want to be 
a superficial guy, you know? I want to get 
out from under all the superficiality of our 
culture and live free of the strictures our 
society places on us. I want to be a sensory 
person but not be controlled by the senses. 
I want to live a spiritual life but not be con- 
trolled by religion. I want to live free but 
also devote myself to family and the love of 
the great woman I share my life with. 

What's greatis that for the first time I'm find- 
ing that balance. I still have a long way to go in 
some areas, but that's part of what keeps things 
interesting—figuring it all out. But in general, 
man, I wake up every morning asking, "What 
the fuck did I do in my last life to deserve 
the amazing fucking life I got in this one?" 


r 


Pairing poker tournaments with all 


inclusive vacations for 


* Yachting Races 


two in the world's 


most exotic 


resorts. 


* High Limit Poker Tournaments 


l'ournaments & Exotie Vaeations 


* Golf Tournaments 


www.infinitevents.com 


ANDY RICHTER 


(contimued from page 66) 

He asks if Гуе read McMahon’s 1998 
autobiography, For Laughing Out Loud. 
“When I left Late Night, Sarah Vowell 
wrote an essay about me for an online 
magazine,” he says. “She talks about 
McMahon’s book and how the first line 
was something like ‘I will never forget 
when I met a young man named Johnny 
Carson.’ That was the very first line. Of 
his life story. That says so much. He was 
basically acknowledging that Johnny is the 
alpha male of his particular clan. It’s just 
another way of saying ‘co-dependence.’” 

He doesn’t mention Vowell’s other 
observations, such as how McMahon’s 
autobiography would have “scared me silly” 
if she was in Richter’s shoes, or that Richter 
was smart to leave Late Night while he still 
had the chance. If Richter has any doubts 
about returning to sidekick territory, he 
doesn’t share them. He believes he and 
McMahon are from two different worlds, 
with very different experiences. None of 
that sad co-dependence between McMahon 
and Carson is apparent when Richter talks 
about his relationship with O’Brien. But 
there are hints of protectiveness. 

He describes their partnership this way: 
“When people transport a show horse, 
like the kind that’s trained to perform 
in a circus or rodeo, they frequently put 
another animal in the horse trailer—like 
a dog or an old goat—something nobody 
cares about, to make the horse feel calm 
and secure. I kind of feel like that’s my 
job. I’m the old goat that keeps the star 
horse company so he doesn’t get agitated 
and kick the door off his stall.” 

It’s a joke but a joke with a grain of truth. 
“He does tend to worry," Richter admits 
of his TV partner. “He gets so wound up 
sometimes he needs to be told to have a 
good time. There's something about Irish 
Catholic guilt, second only to Jewish guilt, 
that's pretty strong. It's so free-floating and 
doesn't even have a point. I used to have 
conversations with him where I was like, 
“Please, enjoy this! My God, the fruits of 
your labor are bountiful! ” 

O'Brien isn't the only one who finds 
Richter a calming presence. Although 
Richter is dressed like a prepubescent boy 
(wearing a baseball cap, shorts and a T-shirt 
with a cartoon character drawn across the 
chest), I feel safe letting him assume the 
role of hiking guide. He exudes an air of 
confidence even when he obviously has no 
idea what he's talking about. He explains 
the realities of L.A.'s wilderness: "It's all 
built on risers," he says. "If the bank crisis 
should deepen, all of this will be rolled up 
and taken away." And he points out the 
predominance of single male hikers: “Is 
this the place in the park where a fella goes 
if he wants a blow job from another fella?" 

He's such a natural leader it's a wonder 
he never considered getting his own talk 
show. "I have no interest in that," he says 
without hesitation. "I've never had the 
talent for interviewing people like Conan 
does. He's just innately more curious 
about humanity than I am. I like people 
well enough but, well, not everybody. 


Okay, hardly anybody. Conan really seems 
to enjoy asking questions and finding out 
things about people. He's very personable. 
I'm more of a recluse." 

And pleasant conversations with strangers, 
Richter explains, are the best-case scenario. 
“I used to watch Conan sweat bullets over 
somebody who didn't know how to talk or 
was just a jackass," he says. ^My most disliked 
guests are the stars of some new drama or 
sitcom that nobody's watching, and they 
walk out with this cocky confidence that's 
just like [he assumes the timbre of a smarmy TV 
announcer] The love affair with America has 
begun! Hello, everybody. What's up? That's 
right, I'm Chase Danford, the chiseled hunk 
from Tucker Country, M.D.’” 

Richter is unconcerned with the high 
expectations surrounding The Tonight 
Show. He seems to understand that, unlike 
his seven years with O'Brien on Late 
Night, this will be a very different type 
of show. With an earlier time slot comes 
a slightly older and more conservative 
audience that may not be as entertained 
by the masturbating bears and vomiting 
muppets of the Late Night era. Richter 
probably won't be as inclined to streak 
across the Today show set as he did so 
memorably on Late Night, or predict his 
eventual crossover into gay porn with a 
movie called 69 on the Richter Scale ox cheat 
during a staring contest by convincing his 


competitor's grandparents to strip. 

“We'll still be relatively weird," he 
promises. “But at a certain point it's an 
issue of politeness. I can't go out there 
and say ‘Screw the establishment’ or 
“Suck on this, old man!’ That's not The 
Tonight Show. It should be funny. I have 
no intention of working on something 
where I feel like we're not even trying. 
But you have to realize who you're 
talking to. You don't drop the F bomb 
when Grandma comes over." 

I ask if he's planning any future 
surprises on The Tonight Show, something 
that will satisfy his longtime fans. “I can't 
make any promises," he says. “But there's 
a pretty good chance I'll have a better 
parking space at the Universal Studios lot 
soon. That's gonna make a big difference 
to the quality of the show. Maybe not 
necessarily in visible ways, but it will 
matter. There will be a certain lightness 
and contentedness to me." 

Richter says this with such deadpan 
sincerity that it almost seems as if he's being 
serious. Maybe a good parking spot and a 
dependable paycheck is all he really wants 
anymore. But look closer and you'll see a 
devilish glint in his eye, like a teenage kid 
who doesn't want his parents to know his 
backpack is filled with fireworks and porn. 


"But I told you just to remove plaque." 


111 


PLAYBOY 


a 
Pirates 
(continued from page 58) 


money, everyone likes you,” he said. “No 
matter what your shape is, what you look like, 
women want you. It doesn't matter if you got 
that money by being a pirate.” 

It wasn't long, however, before Samo 
started to question the whole business. One 
day he learned that four members of his 
group had died on a mission, their empty 
skiff discovered floating hundreds of miles 
out at sea by another team of pirates. (That 
wasn't the only misfortune to befall the men 
behind the Sirius Star heist. Another five 
pirates reportedly drowned trying to make 
off with their share of the loot; one of them 
washed ashore with more than $150,000 
stuffed into a plastic bag in his pocket.) Samo 
resented that a few leaders were taking the 
lion’s share of the ransoms, and he worried 
about the risk if he were ordered to go into 
the deep water. His mother called him con- 
stantly, begging him to come home. After 
about six months he decided to go AWOL, 
faking an illness and decamping to Kenya. 

He'd been left with about $15,000, not an 
insignificant sum for Somalia but hardly the 
kind of cash you can retire on. As he sipped 
from a cup of milky tea, he was renting a 
room in a shabby guesthouse in Eastleigh 
with three other ex-pirates. His new plan, 
as he explained it to me, was to apply for 
refugee status and try for a visa to the United 
States. I wanted to tell him that the list of 
Somali refugees wanting to get to America is 
nearly two decades long, not to mention that 
a man with his background might have trou- 
ble securing asylum. But he kept talking, and 
his flight of fancy grew more outlandish. 

“As you know,” he told me, “there's an 
African man who has become president of 
the United States. It's someone we feel like, 
well, he is one of us. He might consider 
helping us if he knew our problems.” 

He had crossed the line into the surreal, 
and I began to feel sorry for him. I shook 
his hand, ending the interview, and he 
seemed relieved when I paid for his tea. We 
walked down to the street, into the work- 
day African multitude of men pulling rick- 
ety handcarts and brightly clothed women 
balancing sacks on their heads, and Samo 
turned and faded into the crowd. 


The pirates aren't the only high-seas cowboys 
in this story; some of the sailors they come 
across are unrepentant gamblers themselves. 
Florent and Chloé Lemacon, a young French 
couple, ignored multiple warnings from the 
French navy and sailed through Somali waters 
in April aboard their 41-foot yacht, the Tanit. 
They were dreamers, traversing the globe with 
their three-year-old son and two friends and 
chronicling their experiences on a blog. In 
one entry Chloé downplayed the pirate threat. 
"They're mainly after money,” she said. “The 
danger exists, and it has no doubt increased 
in recent months, but the ocean is huge. The 
pirates cannot destroy our dream.” On April 
4 the Tanit was captured, and six days later 
the French military tried a risky commando 
mission to free the hostages. The boat was 


112 released, but the pirates shot back, and in 


the crossfire 28-year-old Florent was killed. 

Ten months earlier Jurgen Kantner, a 
62-year-old German yachtsman, had been on 
a similar voyage with his longtime companion, 
Sabine Merz, sailing from France to Singa- 
pore. Kantner was another inveterate seaman; 
he’d lived on his aging yacht, the 53-foot Rock- 
all, for more than half his life and had sailed 
four times across the Indian Ocean. He didn't 
own a home and frankly didn't care much 
for being on land; even when docked he pre- 
ferred to sleep on his boat. Though he had the 
salty personality to show for a lifetime at sea, 
along with a sun-scorched complexion and a 
head of wild gray hair, he was not sanguine 
about the prospect of a pirate attack. When 
he set sail from the port of Aden, in Yemen, 
he charted a course that hugged the Yemeni 
coastline, 150 miles north of Somalia. But the 
powerful summer winds pushed them south 
until finally they were snared by nine pirates 
off the Somali port of Lasqoray. 

Immediately Kantner killed the engine. 
“Start it,” one of the pirates ordered. 
“We're going to Somalia.” When Kantner 
insisted the engine was busted, they tied 
a rope around his neck and the leader 
of the group pointed a pistol at him. But 
the engine required two keys to start, and 
unbeknownst to the pirates Kantner had 
removed one of them. The yacht was stuck. 
They drifted in the ocean for two days while 
the pirates waited for reinforcements. 

“I just kept hoping for a military boat 
to appear,” Kantner told me nearly a year 
after the hijacking. “No one came.” 

Two pirate skiffs eventually arrived, and 
they slowly towed the Rockall to shore. When 
they made landfall Kantner was stunned to 
see, in the midst of a dense tangle of brush 
and palm trees, a jungle lair that must have 
looked like the set for an extremely low- 
budget pirate movie. About 150 men were 
living in a clearing, sleeping on mats under 
the sky. Women and children traipsed 
through from time to time, perhaps from a 
nearby village. There were a couple of clap- 
board shacks but little else to suggest the 
place was fit for human habitation. 

One pirate announced a ransom of 
$2 million. Kantner then watched as the 
men proceeded to relieve the yacht of about 
50,000 euros in cash—nearly his entire sav- 
ings—as well as 40 gallons of whiskey and 
wine and about 200 bottles of beer. “Drunk- 
ards,” Kantner sneered. These guys might 
have been raised Muslim, but now the party 
was on. They polished off the booze in a 
couple of days and then set upon Kantner, 
harassing him for the ransom. 

“Give us the money or we'll fuck your 
wife,” one said. “We know you have the 
money. Why won’t your government pay?” 

When foreign nationals are hijacked off 
the coast of Somalia, their governments 
typically negotiate with pirates, often with 
the Puntland regional government as an 
intermediary. Kantner spoke by satellite 
phone to German authorities, but they 
were noncommittal. Weeks passed, and 
the pirates grew impatient. Once, when a 
German official was on the phone discuss- 
ing the ransom demand, a pirate squeezed 
off an AK-47 round that whizzed over 
Kantner’s head. The pirate grinned. 

Another time Merz went missing for sev- 


eral hours. “Now we shoot the girl,” one 
pirate told Kantner, and for good measure a 
gunshot rang out through the trees. After a 
few hours, however, Merz returned, appar- 
ently unharmed. The hostages were worth 
far more to the pirates if they were alive. 

If these pirates were flush with ransom 
money, it wasn’t evident to Kantner. They 
often went three or four days without food 
until a slaughtered goat would materialize and 
they could have a couple of meals. There was 
no water, so they drank from a stream. Merz, 
a trim woman in her 40s, fell ill and shriveled 
to less than 100 pounds. Kantner’s stomach, 
perhaps conditioned by decades at sea, held 
up better. He took a liking to camel’s milk, a 
favorite of Somalis, and as he drank alongside 
them he got to know his captors better. 

“Many of them didn’t want to do what 
they were doing,” Kantner said. Where 
the loot went seemed a mystery to the 
young pirates just as it was to him. “They 
were complaining that they get only a little 
money, maybe a few thousand dollars. The 
big money goes to the big boss, and he’s not 
even in the camp.” A neatly dressed young 
man, who was new to the group and identi- 
fied himself as the cook, befriended Kantner 
and told him which of his comrades to fear 
and which were merely acting tough. By 
the end the young man asked Kantner if he 
could help him get to Germany. 

On their 52nd day in the jungle a soldier 
from the Puntland government appeared 
with the ransom. Governments don’t pub- 
licly release the details of ransom deals, but 
Kantner’s pirate friend told him that the 
suitcase contained $600,000 in cash, paid 
by the German government. They were 
released on the spot into the custody of 
Puntland authorities and flown to Kenya 
and then to Germany, where they were 
briefly a media sensation. But after more 
than three decades on his boat, Kantner had 
no place to call home. He was sleeping in a 
spare room in his mother’s house, and he 
hated it. He wanted to retrieve his boat. 

He hadn't seen the Rockall since the night 
they reached land in Somalia, but he under- 
stood from government officials that it had 
been towed several hundred miles to the west, 
to the quiet port of Berbera. When I traveled 
in April to the sweltering dock, where the air 
hung so heavy I barely wanted to breathe, I 
found Kantner crouched on a narrow wooden 
jetty, wearing a baseball cap and a pair of ratty 
shorts fastened loosely at his bare, bulging 
middle, trying to repair his lifeboat. 

The yacht had been damaged when 
Somali authorities towed it to Berbera, 
he explained. The hull also needed to be 
patched up, and his engine had gone miss- 
ing. The ordeal seemed to have taken a 
toll on Merz, who remained on the yacht 
and said little while Kantner focused on 
his repairs with the determined quietude 
of a man who has little else in his life. On 
most days he was the only foreigner in this 
remotest of African ports, a muttering fig- 
ure who donned a shirt only when he ven- 
tured into the local market for a glass of 
sweet tea. Behind his back the Somalis in 
town called him “the crazy white man,” but 
Kantner didn’t care. When the repairs were 
finished, he and Merz would try again to 
get to Southeast Asia—pirates be damned. 


lliffice. This trademark may be registered by others in other countries. 


Romeo y Julieta is a trademark registered bj 


A ROMEO Y JULIETA UNLIKE ANY YOU VE EVER TASTED BEFORE. Hand-made at the highly acclaimed ` 


La Flor de Copan factory in Honduras, Habana Reserve ee А the legendary smoothness of a Romeo y Julieta with the rich, 
) x ) y. 


e га Y - . سے‎ x 
Romeo y Julieta ever. With Habana Reserve, Rome9Y Julieta brings an unexpected twi 


A $22.50 value 


To receive your Four Cigar Sampler, g À 
www.ryjhabanareserveoffer.com or call ( 


X^ 


or send $7.95 plus your name and address \ 
and a copy of your drivers license to: \ 
Tobacco Products Fulfillment 
P.O. Box 407166PB1009 Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33340-7166 


SURGEON GENERAL WARNING: 


Cigar Smoking Can Cause Lung Cancer 
and Heart Disease. 


One per household. Must be 21 to participate. Available while quantities Tast~ 
Offer expires December 31, 2009. U.S. addresses only. Allow 6 — 8 weeks for delivery. 


PLAYBOY 


114 


“They already took all my money,” he said. 
“Now it's just us and this old boat.” 

After the debacle with the German engine, Eid 
had to regroup. He figured his chances of cor- 
ralling a ship were better to the west of Punt- 
land, where the Gulf of Aden narrows to less 
than 20 miles before touching the Red Sea. He 
sent his boat and weapons by road to Berbera, 
rented a room in a guesthouse and got ajob as 
a mechanic while plotting his next move. 

But within weeks police were watching 
Eid. He hadn't counted on the anomaly 
that is Somaliland, the northwestern region 
where things actually seem to work. For- 
merly known as British Somaliland, the colo- 
nial occupation here, unlike in the formerly 
Italian-controlled south, was relatively light- 
handed and left local institutions intact. When 
Mogadishu fell in 1991, Somaliland declared 
independence, and while no country has rec- 
ognized its status, the territory has governed 
itself admirably well. It has an independent 
judiciary, an underequipped but feisty coast 
guard and a bitter rivalry with its neighbor to 
the east, Puntland, which Somaliland officials 
blame for allowing piracy to thrive. 

“A lot of bad things are coming from over 
there,” Admiral Osman Jibril Hagar, com- 
mander of Somaliland's coast guard, told me. 
He unfolded a map of the territory's 530- 
mile coastline, which his men were patrolling 
with two aging speedboats (a third was being 
repaired) and a small fleet of motorized skiffs. 
Last September Eid and his four comrades 
were arrested at the guesthouse along with his 
boat, a few automatic weapons, a collapsible 
ladder and what officials describe as hijacking 
plans. Officials said they were tipped off by 
Eid’s neighbors. It goes to show what a little bit 
of government can do in a place like Somalia. 

When I visited Somaliland in April, 26 
men were in custody for piracy. Not all of 
them were willing to admit to being pirates, 
however. One morning at the jailhouse in 
Berbera, nine men who had recently been 
stopped while attempting to hijack a Yemeni 
ship sat sullenly in the prison yard, their 
skinny ankles chained together and tied to a 
metal stake. Through my translator I asked 
why they had become pirates, but they only 
glared at me through rheumy eyes. Several 
were wearing the patterned sarongs favored 


by Somali men, their colors badly faded. “We 
are fishermen,” one said. “No questions.” 
Another man nearly spat at me. “Go away,” 
he growled, “or maybe ГЇЇ eat your mother.” 

We drove an hour south to the town of 
Mandhera, little more than a dusty constella- 
tion of tin shacks and mud huts, with stick- 
legged children in raggedy clothes emerging 
from every crevice to gawk at me, the strange- 
looking visitor. The prison housing Eid and 
his comrades loomed suddenly over the scrub- 
land. A fortress of stone and biscuit-colored 
brick, it was built by British forces to house 
Italian soldiers captured back when this was 
one of the remotest battlegrounds of World 
War П. The POWs are long gone, of course, as 
is the sign that welcomed visitors to BIG HELL. 
I simply banged on the metal gate to rouse 
the bored-looking guard in camouflage and 
electric-blue flip-flops, who let me inside. 

Eid walked into the warden’s office and took 
his place on a rough wooden bench. His eyes 
were glassy, his hands fidgety. The warden, a 
copper-skinned man with a mat of silver hair, 
saw the classic signs of withdrawal from khat, 
a leafy green plant that when chewed pro- 
duces a mild, amphetamine-like high. Many 
people say pirates take bundles of khat with 
them when scouting the sea for prey and that 
the high is what gives them their daring. 

Eid squinted at the sunlight beaming 
through the window. “Now the international 
community is shouting about piracy,” he said 
in a flat, throaty voice. “But long before this 
we were shouting to the world about our 
problems. No one listened.” 

4 


It seems unlikely that Somalia's fishermen 
will ever be compensated for what they 
lost starting in the 1990s. Global Witness, a 
London-based watchdog group, estimates 
that unlicensed fishing robbed Somalia 
of $90 million in catches in just a two-year 
period, from 2003 to 2004—one of the worst 
examples of illegal fishing in recent history. 
As for the claims of toxic waste dumping, 
no thorough investigation has been done, 
although Bashir Hussein, a Somali environ- 
mental researcher, has photographs that show 
drums that look like the rusted shells of large 
rockets, some as tall as a person, lying on the 
empty beaches of Puntland. Until the coun- 
try patches itself together politically, everyone 


THE COUPLE BELOW, 


STOPA MOMENT... 
LETS THINK ABOUT THIS. 
| I НАМЕ THE FEELING E 


in Somalia will continue to fend for himself. 

“A country without a government is exposed 
to all kinds of illegal activity,” said Ould-Abdal- 
lah, the UN envoy. “All these allegations are 
credible. Those drums that washed onto the 
coast, I don’t think they came from far away.” 
Still, he said, “all that these pirates are doing 
in response, it cannot be justified. No one buys 
the idea that these people are Robin Hood.” 

Through our rambling hour-long interview 
Eid voiced only one regret—abandoning his 
wife and two children, ages seven and 14. 
They were the reason he had turned to piracy, 
he said, and the idea of spending his middle 
years in prison, leaving them without their 
sole breadwinner, seemed to weigh on him. 

Seated a few feet away, Yousuf Essa looked 
on gravely. The vice minister for justice in the 
Somaliland government, Essa had escorted 
me to the prison and then listened silently to 
Eid throughout the interview. When he finally 
spoke up, his take was remarkably sympathetic 
for an officer of the law. “When these people 
lost their livelihoods, they became pirates,” 
Essa said, leaning back in his chair and rest- 
ing his hands on his round belly. “This has 
become the new way of life.” Then, with no 
prompting, this government official fished 
into his pants pocket, pulled out a faded $10 
bill and pressed it into Eid’s calloused palm. 
The prisoner bowed his head in silent thanks. 
Essa said later that Eid would no doubt spend 
the money on khat—but there was nothing 
else to buy in the prison anyway, no dreams 
of pirate treasure in that grim bastion. 

Of the 590 prisoners in Mandhera that day 
Eid and his men might have been the most infa- 
mous, but they were hardly the most wretched 
looking. Nearly all the men, in fact, wore sullen 
expressions and clutched ratty sarongs to their 
skinny waists. Given slightly different circum- 
stances, perhaps any of them could have been 
pirates. With their country collapsed, their 
livelihoods eviscerated and their bellies all 
but empty, it wasn’t hard to see why the able- 
bodied men of Somalia chase anything—cargo 
ships, cruise liners, yachts, oil tankers—for a 
decent payday. Even Eid, in retelling the long 
story of his failures, spoke with an unmistak- 
able tinge of pride. At times he let loose a smile. 
He would do it all over again, he said, because 
he had nothing to lose. 


I THINKWE SHOULD 
BE DOING ITIN THE 

1 BACKSEAT, WHERE 
THERES MORE ROOM! 


[ай 
ص‎ 
m 


MERRIMAN 


(continued from page 89) 
an animal. It was hilarious. They stopped 
letting me hit in practice. Whenever we 
had contact drills, they’d send me over to 
another field, where I would practice hit- 
ting dummies. 


07 

PLAYBOY: Has Holmes ever said anything to 
you about the hit? 

MERRIMAN: It was awkward, because I saw 
him two years ago at—of all places—the 
Playboy Mansion. He was standing beside 
me, and I didn't know who he was until one 
of my boys tapped me and said, “Hey, isn't 
that Priest?” I looked over and said, “Oh 
shit, it is.” It was awkward, because on the 
field I’m a beast and a killer. I’m going to 
try to get you by any means necessary. But 
off the field I’m not like that. When I saw 
him I didn't even know what to say. I said, 
“What's up?” I tell all the players, “On the 
field I’m going to try to knock you out, but 
during the off-season, call me and ГЇЇ show 
up at your charity event.” That's just the 
way I am. 


Q8 

PLAYBOY: Is it hard to maintain that inten- 
sity for every game? 

MERRIMAN: Í got one speed all the time, and 
I have only one mentality for myself on 
that grass. When I'm out there, man, it's 
like a different Shawne. Sometimes 1 look 
back and say, “Damn, why did I do that?” 
I must have split personalities. Somebody 
might ask me about a game, and ГІ look 
back on the film and say, “Damn, I really 
did that?” I’m just a totally different guy 
on the field. 


03 

PLAYBOY: Two of your homes burned down 
when you were a kid in Baltimore. What 
happened? 

MERRIMAN: The first time, when I was 11, 
my babysitter had witnessed a murder, and 
the murderers bombed our building. The 
second time, my mother lit a candle and it 
burned through the TV in my room. The 
first one, I was there. The second time I 
was at my friend’s house, and I found out 
later, like 5:30 in the morning, that the 
house was burning. Everything was gone— 
trophies, pictures, everything. We stayed in 
motels on and off. It was tough. I had a 
really troubled upbringing, and some of 
the unfortunate things that happened are 
why I’m able to do what I do now. I’m built 
for everything that’s taking place now. 


010 

PLAYBOY: How much of your life is spent in 
the gym? 

MERRIMAN: I’m a gym rat. You can't get me 
out of the gym. I just love working out. In 
high school I worked to get a weight set to 
put in my garage, and I used to lift until 
two or three in the morning. If my friends 
saw the light on in my garage, they knew 
exactly what I was doing. Га get somebody 
knocking on my garage at 1:30, two in the 
morning, and I'd be in there working out. 


011 

PLAYBOY: How important is the Hall of Fame 
for you? Do you think about it? 

MERRIMAN: 1 do, because people don't 
often talk about the Hall of Fame this early 
in a career, and it’s an honor even to be 
considered. But I don't feel it's right until 
you prove yourself in your game. Anybody 
can have one or two good years. Do I want 
to be considered the best that ever played 
the game? Of course. But at no point in 
time do I want to come across as being 
disrespectful. 


Q12 
PLAYBOY: During the 2006 season you were 
suspended for four games after failing a 
steroid test. Do you worry the suspension 
will affect your Hall of Fame chances? 
MERRIMAN: I don't think so at all. That's 
something that maybe I'll have to deal with 
one day when I get there. I'm just going 
to go out and play and show you what I'm 
able to do. I'm not a big talker about what 
I'm going to do. Baby, look at the paper 
and the game reel. Look at some of the 
things I've been able to accomplish. That's 
not going to change, and if anybody's 
expecting it to, it's not. 


Q13 

PLAYBOY: As a competitor, how did you 
mentally deal with the suspension? 
MERRIMAN: It was just like I was on a path. 
I got ridiculously focused. I thought, Okay, 
people believe this, and they're entitled to 
their opinion. That's fine, but they don't 
understand. They don't know, especially 
with all the shit going on around it. It just got 
blown up out of proportion. I don't have to 
prove anything to anybody but myself and 
to people who watch and love the game of 
football, because that's who I do it for. What 
Ilove the most is when guys who are in the 
Hall of Fame or coaches from other teams 
pull me aside before games and say, “Man, 
you're one of the most amazing players I've 
ever seen play this game." That shit brings a 
tingling in my body. I get a rush. 


014 

PLAYBOY: A big deal was made after Maurice 
Jones-Drew from the Jacksonville Jaguars 
blocked you and knocked you down during 
the 2007 season. What happened? 
MERRIMAN: When I first started playing 
football I used to call out older guys all the 
time. They’d say, “One day everybody gets 
older, and everybody has to deal with it.” I 
told them, “I’m Lights Out. Nobody's ever 
going to do nothing to me.” Everybody 
gets caught at least one time, they always 
say. Sure enough, I didn’t see the little 
guy. He came out of the blue when I was 
looking at the quarterback, and Maurice 
is about eight inches shorter than me. The 
guy leveled my ass. A fucking bowling ball 
is what he is, man. It wouldn't have been 
such a big deal if it wasn't me. You know, 
“Lights Out got lights out.” It was just one 
of those things. 


Q15 
PLAYBOY: How much grief did your team- 
mates give you for that? 


CREDITS: PHOTOGRAPHY BY: P. 3 BRIAN 
BRAFF, JOEL FLORA, MIZUNO, ©SETH OLE- 
NICK/CORBIS OUTLINE, SUNGKYUNG PARK, 
ROBERT SEBREE, ROBERT SEWELL; P. 5 SZY- 
MON BRODZIAK, OBADRI MEDIA/EPA/CORBIS, 
ROBERTO SCHMIDT/AFP/GETTY IMAGES; P. 6 
HADJ/CHAMUSSY/SIPA, ROBERT SEBREE; 
P. 11 KENNETH JOHANSSON, DAVID LIVINGS- 
TON/GETTY IMAGES (2), ELAYNE LODGE (5); 
P. 12 DAVID KLEIN (3), ELAYNE LODGE (6), 
MICKEY PIERSON (2), MELISSA TAYLOR, KEA 
WELLS (2); P. 15 JEFFREY UFBERG/WIREIMAGE 
.COM; P. 16 KEITH LANDER; P. 19 PICDESK 
.COM.AU; P. 20 KRISTIAN GOLDING, JEFF 
HAYNES-POOL/GETTY IMAGES, ROBIN WALK- 
ER; P. 21 CHUCK GALLYON, WALDY MARTENS 
(2); P. 24 CBS/LANDOV, MICK HUTSON/RED- 
FERNS/GETTY IMAGES, NEIL LUPIN/RED- 
FERNS/GETTY IMAGES, MIKE STOTTS/WENN; 
P. 28 ANTHONY BOCCACCIO/GETTY IMAGES, 
BRAD BARKET/WIREIMAGE.COM, JEROME 
DUQUESNOY THE ELDER/GETTY IMAGES, 
NED FRISK/GETTY IMAGES, ISTOCK, ANDY 
REYNOLDS/GETTY IMAGES, TM AND COPY- 
RIGHT 020TH CENTURY FOX FILM CORP. ALL 
RIGHTS RESERVED/COURTESY EVERETT 
COLLECTION, INC., VEER; P. 31 RICHARD 
IZUI; P. 32 RICHARD IZUI (3); P. 37 COURTESY 
EVERETT COLLECTION, INC. (9), THE KOBAL 
COLLECTION; P. 48 O©ABDURRAHMAN WAR- 
SAMEH/XINHUA/XINHUA PRESS/CORBIS, AFP/ 
GETTY IMAGES, OBADRI MEDIA/EPA/CORBIS 
(2), OHO/REUTERS/CORBIS, GARY OMBLER/ 
GETTY IMAGES, ROBERTO SCHMIDT/AFP/ 
GETTY IMAGES, STR/REUTERS/CORBIS; P. 49 
ROBERTO SCHMIDT/AFP/GETTY IMAGES; 
P. 50 BRENDAN BANNON, SHASHANK 
BENGALI, OHO/REUTERS/CORBIS (3); P. 60 
FOCUS ON SPORT/GETTY IMAGES; P. 61 VER- 
NON BIEVER/NFL/GETTY IMAGES, FOCUS ON 
SPORT/GETTY IMAGES; P. 62 ASSOCIATED 
PRESS, CORBIS, JAMES DRAKE/SPORTS 
ILLUSTRATED/GETTY IMAGES, JAMES FLORES/ 
NFL/GETTY IMAGES, FOCUS ON SPORT/GETTY 
IMAGES, GEORGE LONG/NFL/GETTY IMAGES, 
ROBERT RIGER/GETTY IMAGES, ROSEN- 
STRAUCH/MCT/LANDOV, TONY TOMSIC/GETTY 
IMAGES, MICHAEL ZAGARIS/GETTY IMAGES; 
P. 63 AL BELLO/GETTY IMAGES, DAVID DRAP- 
KIN/GETTY IMAGES; P. 66 MITCHELL 
HAASETH/ONBC/COURTESY EVERETT COL- 
LECTION, INC., ONBC/COURTESY EVERETT 
COLLECTION, INC., O20TH CENTURY FOX 
FILM CORP. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED (2); P. 69 
KIT WOHL; P. 71 @JUSTIN GUARIGLIA/CORBIS, 
KIT WOHL (3); P. 94 OLUCAS DOLEGA/EPA/ 
CORBIS, OPANTELIS SAITAS/EPA/CORBIS; 
P. 95 ODYLAN MARTINEZ/REUTERS/CORBIS; 
P. 96 ALFRED/SIPA, STEPHANE DE SAKUTIN/ 
AFP/GETTY IMAGES, ERIC FEFERBERG/AFP 
GETTY IMAGES; P. 97 HADJ/CHAMUSSY/SIPA; 
P. 133 CHRIS FARINA/WIREIMAGE.COM/GETTY 
IMAGES, GEORGE GEORGIOU, FRAZER HAR- 
RISON/GETTY IMAGES, MICHAEL LOCCISANO/ 
GETTY IMAGES, ARNOLD TURNER/WIRE- 
IMAGE.COM/GETTY IMAGES, FROM UPCOMING 
DADDY'S LITTLE GIRL GRAPHIC NOVEL FROM 
ARCANA COMICS BY CREATORS MARK POUL- 
TON, STEPHEN SISTILLI AND DEXTER 
WEEKS; P. 135 ОТОМ & DEE ANN MCCARTHY/ 
CORBIS; P. 136 PAUL SOUDERS/CORBIS; Р. 
137 OJAGADEESH NV/EPA/CORBIS, R. IAN 
LLOYD/MASTERFILE; P. 138 STEWART COOK/ 
GETTY IMAGES, ©KEITH DANNEMILLER/ 
CORBIS, OMARK JENKINSON/CORBIS; P. 139 
AFP/GETTY IMAGES, ED REINKE/ASSOCIATED 
PRESS; P. 142 GAVIN BOND, COURTESY EV- 
ERETT COLLECTION, INC., JEFF MINTON/ 
OUTLINE, MIZUNO. COVER: MODELS: TUULI 
AND KIERA GORMLEY-STORM MODELS U.K., 
PHOTOGRAPHER: RANKIN, HAIR: GOW 
TANAKA-BALCONY JUMP U.K., MAKEUP: 
LINDA OHRSTROM-NAKED ARTISTS U.K., 
MANICURIST: LUCIE PICKAVANCE-CAREN 
U.K., STYLING: SCOTT CLARK, VINTAGE 
LACE SLIP FROM BEYOND RETRO/LONDON, 
DIAMOND RING FROM STEPHEN WEBSTER, 
BODYSUIT FROM HANNAH MARSHALL, BAT 
EARRINGS AND BRACELET FROM STEPHEN 
WEBSTER, BOOTS FROM VIVIENNE 
WESTWOOD, PRODUCED BY PATTY BEAU- 
DET-FRANCES. 


115 


PLAYBOY 


116 


MERRIMAN: Every time somebody gets hit 
or blown up or something, I’m the first one 
to give you shit about it. When somebody 
gets floored, intercepted or hit, I’m the 
first guy running up to them. So you best 
believe everybody got on me. 


Q16 

PLAYBOY: Did any of the Chargers try to 
haze you your rookie year? 

MERRIMAN: I had to take the whole team 
out for dinner. The tab was about $32,000. 
Cristal bottles everywhere, all the best 
things you could think of were ordered. 
I felt sick. I talked to nobody for three or 
four days. 


Q17 

PLAYBOY: You ve been a judge at a Miss USA 
pageant. Is that as great as it sounds? 
MERRIMAN: I loved it. I made a joke about 
Donald Trump twisting my arm to get me 
to go there, but I probably would have 
gone out there for free—flown myself out, 
put myself up in a hotel for that one. You're 
around 50 hot chicks, and I’m single. It 
was fun for me. 


018 

PLAYBOY: Who are the hardest guys to shake 
up on the field? 

MERRIMAN: Tom Brady and Peyton Manning. 
They’re great quarterbacks, but they’re also 
very hard to get to. They get rid of the ball 


ITS HIGH 
AND 
OUTSIDE! 


quick; they make the right decisions. It’s 
not always about your athletic ability. There 
are some guys in the league who have more 
athletic ability than both of them, but Brady 
and Manning are so good. It’s really hard 
to hit them. 


019 

PLAYBOY: During your time offyou appeared 
in Keri Hilson's “Knock You Down” video 
with Kanye West and Ne-Yo. How did that 
happen? 

MERRIMAN: Chris Robinson, who directed 
the video, is a friend of mine, and I also 
know Kanye. I hadn’t met Keri, but Chris 
told me Kanye had this part and it would 
be great if I could shoot a quick cameo. I 
told him, “Гуе never done a video. I can 
show you how to hit a quarterback, but I 
don’t know about videos.” He said, “All 
you have to do is stand there and be Lights 
Out.” So I just stood there, and it worked. 
It was a hot video. 


020 

PLAYBOY: Now that you're back on the field, 
is anyone on your hit list? 

MERRIMAN: Pm going after anyone in a 
different-colored helmet. Period. If you’re 
wearing a different-colored helmet than 
me, you’re in trouble. 


ЛШ ШЫДАМ NZ 


“Speaking of high and outside, your brother ıs at the door.” 


campus 


(continued from page 92) 
my bedroom and started making out pretty 
heavily. I got him on my bed. I was pretty 
close to naked, and so was he. Then I started 
rubbing on him, and he prematurely ejacu- 
lated! Like done, in no time—with his boxers 
on. Mandy walked out ofthe closet and said, 
“You son of a bitch. ГЇЇ show the entire cam- 
pus so everyone will know you suck at sex.” 

Mandy posted the video on the Internet, 
and we texted a link to all our friends. For 
the rest of college Tom was known as that 
guy on the video who came before he got 
his underwear off. He never had a date 
again—at least not at Stephen F. Austin. 


“Dear Jenna Jameson...” 


JORDANA JAMES, 24, Lincoln Land 
Community College 


hen I was 19 I befriended Jenna Jame- 

son on MySpace. I grew up in a small 
Illinois town, and I would look at these girls’ 
pictures and think, Wow, they’re having fun 
and making great money. I wonder ifI would 
like it. So I e-mailed Jenna on MySpace and 
got a response with a link to an adult talent 
agency. Five months later I flew out to L.A. 

I’d been with only four guys, and the 
relationships had all been monogamous. 
Га never had a one-night stand. I let every- 
body know from the beginning that I was 
there to make money for my education. I 
was focused. I had a goal, and I achieved 
it. I couldn't have done that by hooking up 
and partying all the time. 

The kinkiest thing I ever did: I was all 
dressed up—heels, makeup, hair done. It 
was really glamorous, and I was trying to 
look sexy. Then the photographer said, “Now 
squat, and pee in this cup.” And I was like, 
“What? Are you serious?” He was, so I did it. 

In the two years 1 worked in the industry 
I never had an orgasm with a guy. I did one 
time with a girl. For me it has to do with 
knowing the person and being comfortable 
with him, and I never was because I would 
know him for only an hour—if that—before 
we had sex. It gave me a greater apprecia- 
tion for my personal sex life. I don't have to 
be told where to put my leg or which boob 
to grab. I have the freedom to do what I 
want without 50 people watching me. 

Everyone in my family knew from the 
get-go. My father's response was “I believe 
there's a better job for you out there. How- 
ever, if you're going to do it, you need to 
make the most of it.” My mother didn't 
say much. My sisters bragged around 
town about it. My hometown has an adult 
video store, and it has a shrine to me. They 
ordered all my movies and put up a sign by 
them that says LOCAL GIRL. 

I'm studying premed now. By the time 
I'm done with school, hopefully ГЇЇ be long 
forgotten in the porn business—because 
every day a new 19-year-old is just dying 
to take her clothes off. 


Magna Cum Lesbian 
BETH, 22, American University 


Іс” feminist philosophy. Freshman 
year, my favorite female professor had a 


Get a Real Bowflex” Body for Only $10 a Month!” 


We've never offered a better deal than this! Act now and get 
rock hard abs, a broader chest and stronger arms— 
for only $10 a month! Better yet, if you're not = — life; | was a couch potato with no 
completely satisfied with your results, : \ energy. Now ту 10 year old son has a 
we'll refund your purchase — 
no questions asked. 


"My Bowflex® gym has changed my 


hard time keeping up with me when 


we go hiking or biking.” 


Six weeks is all it takes to transform your body. With 
up to 95 exercises and 410lbs of resistance, we 
believe we've created the best line of home gyms 
on the planet and we think you'll agree. 


WHY YOU NEED THIS FREE DVD: 


* See and hear incredible results from real users 


James Souza 
A genuine Bowflex® user 


* Learn about our proven technology 


* Get info on the entire line of Bowflex® 
Home gyms and see them in action 


* Discover why no other gym can 
promise results like Bowflex® 


BOWFLEX 


or text FLEX to 467467* 


and pay just $10/month! 
“Оп approved Bowflex" credit card purchases. The advertised payment is based on 


Not ready to order? Req uesta a promotional minimum payment of 1.5% of purchase price. The amount of your total 
= а à Minimum Monthly Payment will depend on additional purchases and account balances. 

Í k & DVD d | See Cardholder Agreement and Disclosure Statement for details. ANo spam promise, 

in ormatı on It to ay . standard messaging rates apply. 1100% Satisfaction Guarantee includes full refund 

of purchase price, less shipping and handling. Call for complete details. Individual 


МЕРЕ s s... эз сә a E E а есекке ee e LOT T E ee T CIO sm E S. results may vary: Participante? resulis basád:on ting tha Bowflex? home gm end the 
"Fast Fat Loss Now” program included in the owner's manual, ©2009 Nautilus, Inc, All 


or order online at rights reserved. Bowflex, the Bowflex logo, Bowflex Xtreme, and Power Rod are either 
. . WWW. BowflexWeb.com registered trademarks or trademarks of Nautilus, Inc P1009PLAYBB0W10 


PLAYBOY 


118 


girlfriend, but she didn't seem at all dykey. 
She alluded to the fact that she'd had male 
lovers, and I wanted to know her story, to 
find out when and why she'd turned to 
women. And I had a funny kind of crush 
on her, too; I wanted her to want me. 
Then I met Katherine. She was 
everything. She was round with fleshy 
strawberries-and-cream breasts that trem- 
bled when she laughed. One night six of us 
girls locked ourselves in the bathroom at a 
party. These girls were all of the thinking 
sort, the searching sort, and when Kather- 
ine and I kissed, they cheered us on. The 
fact that there were no men in the room 
made it feel honest and pure. I always hated 
girls who were bi only when boys were 
around. Katherine and I kissed, and her 
lips were so soft. She kissed me the way I 
like to be kissed: slowly and quietly, with just 
a whisper of tongue. I touched her body. I 
touched her breasts; they were weighty. 
We talked all night about what it was to be 
a woman, how men find us so enchanting 
and then get bored with the exact things 
that had enchanted them. We talked about 


[ar 


x ъф: X N 
SEEN 
VT SESS 


how we'd had it all wrong and how our 
mothers had had it all wrong: The enlight- 
ened woman knows that to be truly loved is 
to be understood and that men will forever 
see us as the second sex, the lesser sex. 

Katherine and I went on that way for 
several months, musing over every detail 
of the soft, fluid sculptures that were each 
other's bodies. And then I got bored with 
it. I knew her inside and out, and frankly, 
it just wasn't hot enough. It was sensual, it 
was delicious, it was divine—but it wasn't 
steamy. As a woman, the thing that really 
gets me hot is the idea that a penis, a real 
live penis, could be plunged into me. 

I was at a loss. I felt the largest part of my 
identity was my femaleness. A man could 
never truly understand what that meant to 
me. How could I reconcile my desire and 
my devotion to my female identity? I spent 
the next year of college engrossed in my 
studies, looking for the answer. I suppose I 
would still call myself bi, but I'm definitely 


not a lesbian. 


i 
| 


N 
y 
IN 
4: 
| 
i 
N 
| h 


brn 


‘Td like you to meet your treat from last year’s trick.” 


Vampires 


(continued from page 104) 
fervor, last year’s Twilight film notwithstand- 
ing. (Apparently vampires were getting too 
heavy for Mormon mom Stephenie Meyer, 
the author of the books behind the film 
franchise, who seemed to have deliberately 
set out to remove all sex from the vampire 
mythology and replaced it with lust-free— 
even blood-free—romantic love, making 
vampires safe for teens.) TV and film will 
continue to feature dangerous vampires, 
with True Blood renewed on HBO, The Vam- 
pire Diaries (described as Twilight with sex) 
on the CW and a sequel to Steve Niles’s 30 
Days of Night in development. An official 
sequel to Bram Stoker’s Dracula, Dacre 
Stoker and Ian Holt’s Dracula: The Un- 
Dead, will be published this month. Given 
all this well-founded interest, can a film of 
Guillermo del Toro and Chuck Hogan’s 
shocking Strain trilogy be far behind? 

Still the question remains: Why are people 
attracted to vampires? And if they existed, 
would they actually make good lovers? To 
answer the question, one must consider the 
facts. Technically, a vampire is a creature 
that ingests blood to exist. Nice ones skip 
humans and get by on animal or synthetic 
blood. Not-so-nice ones don’t give a crap. 

A secondary characteristic is that they're 
dead. Or umdead, a term popularized in the 
19th century (Stoker's Dracula was originally 
to be called The Un-Dead) to apply to vam- 
pires, zombies, mummies and their ilk, who 
find themselves in an embarrassing state 
between dead and alive. If you're undead, 
then you can't die, of course, except by 
very special means, and folklore has lots 
of suggestions for those. Also according to 
folklore, vampires have superpowers (the 
strength of 20 men, shape-shifting abilities, 
telepathy, supersensitive hearing, etc.). 

This seems to lend itself to hot sex. The 
catch, however, is that—according to that 
same folklore (and to one Dom Augustin 
Calmet, writing in the 18th century)—these 
undead are essentially soulless. While this 
may be helpful to criminals, IRS agents and 
real players, for most would-be lovers this 
poses a serious handicap toward building 
trust and mutual affection. 

In the beginning vampires weren’t 
all bad. They were merely a fact of life, 
like wolves or termites. According to the 
Greeks, the lamia, part of the triple god- 
dess Hecate’s entourage, were female crea- 
tures who seduced young men. Many of 
the victims appeared to have wholeheart- 
edly enjoyed the experience. Philostratus, 
among others, wrote about Apollonius’s 
encounter with one of these girls, who 
drinks his friend’s blood or energy or life 
force—it's not quite clear— while having a 
very, very good time of it. 

Only later did vampires get scary. In the 
16th and 17th centuries people claimed 
numerous “official” sightings, often attested 
to by a cleric or military officer. Here’s my 
version of a typical visitation: The village 
is having problems, maybe failing crops, 
dying cattle or mysterious deaths. Some 
bright lad remembers that Uncle George, 
who stopped going to church, died a few 


List Price $1,429 WAS $359 


Only available DIRECT 


THE NEW, SUAVE, SOPHISTICATED 
CERAMIC AND ROSE GOLD DESTINY 


The name is Destiny, Klaus Kobec Destiny. This fabulous new 
gentleman's watch is not only suave and sophisticated, it's 
incredibly sexy looking too. With it's debonair face and 
exceptionally robust ceramic center links and rose 

gold fused stainless steel body it attracts admiring 

glances wherever ¡ts worn. 


* Tough, Scratch Resistant Black Ceramic 
and Rose Gold Fused Stainless Steel 
Case and Bracelet 
5 Year Unlimited Warranty on the High 
Precision Swiss Chronograph Movement 

* Unique Black Mother of Pearl Dial 

* Calendar featuring Day Dial 
Water Resistant to 3atms (98ft) 

30 Day Money Back Guarantee 
* 8 Genuine Diamonds 
Over a Decade, Specializing only in 
Timepieces through Mail Order in the US 
Please add $19.95 s&h, FL residents add 6% 
sales tax. Please make checks 8 money 
orders payable to TIMEPIECES 


INTERNATIONAL INC for the amount of the 
watch plus s£h and any applicable taxes. 


ИШТ 
a шы |249 "Wy, 


Includes Soft Lined 
Wood Finished 


Presentation Case 42% 


Please quote code PLB90DSB ог go to 
www.timepiecesusa.com/plb90 | | 
Timepieces International Inc, 3580 NW 56th Street, ТІМЕРТЕСЕ5 
Fort Lauderdale, Florida, 33309 INTERNATIONAL 


LIMITED 
STOCKS 
AVAILABLE 


PLAYBOY 


120 


weeks earlier. Maybe he’s a vampire, says 
the lad. So he and his pals troop out to the 
graveyard to check on Uncle George. Inside 
his coffin they find he has bloody lips, his 
nails and hair have grown out, his face is 
flushed, and groaning sounds are coming 
from his body. Maybe the body even moves. 
Now, having seen CSI, we know this is 
normal decomposition, the result of shrink- 
ing tissues and swelling gases. To the villag- 
ers, however, these are sure signs George 
has turned into a vampire. Fortunately, 
they are prepared for just this discovery, so 
with the help of a cleric or military officer 
they stick an iron or wooden stake through 
Uncle George’s heart, stapling him to the 
coffin. For good measure they shove a brick 
into his jaws or cut off his head or stuff his 
mouth with garlic—or maybe all of the 
above. And sure enough, things get better 
in the village, validating the diagnosis. 

In the first vampire tales written in Eng- 
lish, by Mary Shelley’s friend and Lord 
Byron’s doctor, John Polidori (The Vampyre, 
1819), and later by James Malcolm Rymer 
(Varney the Vampyre, 1847), the vampires are 
English nobles who resemble corpses. Lord 
Ruthven, the titular Vampyre, has a “dead 
gray eye” and “a deadly hue to his face.” 
Sir Francis Varney is a “tall gaunt figure” 
with cadaverous features and long finger- 
nails. However, they have a certain attrac- 


e 


tion about them—they are nobles, after 
all—and their victims are impressionable 
young girls and society ladies. The next 
great vampire tale, Carmilla (1872) by Joseph 
Sheridan Le Fanu, doesn't fit this mold. His 
vampire is a woman, the Countess Mircalla 
Karnstein, and the story centers around a 
transparently lesbian love affair. 

When Abraham "Bram" Stoker's Dracula 
was published in 1897, critical reception 
was mixed. The Daily Mail called the book 
"powerful and horrorful.... The recollection 
of this weird and ghostly tale will doubtless 
haunt us for some time to come." The liter- 
ary arbiter The Bookman remarked, "A sum- 
mary of the book would shock and disgust; 
but we must own that, though here and there 
in the course of the tale we hurried over 
things with repulsion, we read nearly the 
whole thing with rapt attention." 

The book quickly found an audience 
among sensation seekers, and over time it 
became so popular that sales were said to 
surpass those of the Bible (an erroneous 
assertion, as it turns out). Dracula offered 
the Victorian reader steamy scenes reek- 
ing of sex and sexual tension while avoid- 
ing the outright pornographic approach 
of works like Autobiography of a Flea or 
The Romance of Lust. In 1959 British critic 
Maurice Richardson termed Dracula “a 
kind of incestuous, necrophilious, oral- 


SPRING BREAK 
IS GReoVy / 


e ` 


7 aa N = - r к, 
(WA ПОЗ) 


SM i 


anal-sadistic, all-in wrestling match.” Later 
vampire scholar James Twitchell called the 
action “sex without genitalia, sex without 
confusion, sex without responsibility, sex 
without guilt, sex without love—better yet, 
sex without mention.” 

Whether cast in the modern romantic 
image or as the old, well-bred monster, the 
vampire always seduces, coerces, hypnotizes 
and compels his or her victims to succumb 
to the vampire’s needs. For example, in 
Dracula Lucy Westenra is first bitten on a 
bench in the moonlight and then nearly 
drained of blood during repeated visits 
to her bedroom by the vampire count. 
Victorian readers would not have missed 
the point when poor Lucy is saved from 
becoming a vampire by the insertion of a 
large wooden stake into her body by her 
noble fiancé. As the young solicitor Jona- 
than Harker admits as he is attacked by 
three women vampires, “There was some- 
thing about them...some longing and at 
the same time some deadly fear. I felt in 
my heart a wicked, burning desire that 
they would kiss me with those red lips. It 
is not good to note this down, lest some 
day it should meet [Harker’s fiancée, later 
wife] Mina’s eyes.” Carmilla, mentioned 
earlier, has long drawn-out scenes of the 
titular female vampire lovingly nursing a 
younger woman, who slowly realizes her 


SPRING BREAK 


, 
ES IS ie” 


(t^s AST SPRING BREAK, Ap. Duck. 
رك ”س‎ 


А82 : р · ЧУ Чр еп С ЧЕ 


4408 66 \ 


- 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Quitting Smoking 
Now Greatly Reduces Serious Risks to Your Health. 


Restricted to Adult Smokers 21 or Older. 


PLAYBOY 


122 


caring older companion is actually the 
cause of her blood loss. 

Later in Dracula, Mina has her own 
weak moment. The count engages in what 
can be seen only as a form of oral sex with 
her while Harker lies in a faint on the 
neighboring bed. Mina, forced to explain 
herself to Harker and friends, confesses, “I 
was bewildered, and, strangely enough, I 
did not want to hinder him. I suppose it 
is a part of the horrible curse that such is, 
when his touch is on his victim.” Varney's 
victim suffers much the same fate: “Her 
bosom heaves, and her limbs tremble, yet 
she cannot withdraw her eyes from that 
marble-looking face.” How convenient for 
these victims that they cannot resist. “The 
devil made me do it” or “I couldn't help 
myself” have always been useful excuses 
for indulging in illicit passions. 

But do vampire-mortal connections 
involve sex? Or love? Or just blood 
drinking? When one reads the literature 
carefully, it's sometimes hard to tell. Some 
bodily fluids are certainly exchanged. Varney 
explicitly records gushes of blood, and the 
Vampyre's encounters aren't much less ani- 
malistic. But as vampire tales mature, the 
blood becomes less obvious. Fred Saber- 
hagen points out in his novel The Dracula 
Tape that Dracula contains not a single 
scene in which we actually see Dracula 
drinking blood. While that may be literally 
true, when Dracula calls Mina his “bounti- 
ful winepress,” it hardly suggests a chaste 
relationship. The romantic 1978 BBC pro- 
duction of Dracula captures the love-blood 
ambiguity perfectly with a scene in which 
Dracula explains to Mina that human kissing 
originated as a substitute for nourishment. 

What about love? Dracula's female com- 
panions accuse him of never loving, but 
he retorts, “Yes, I too can love; you your- 
selves can tell it from the past. Is it not so?” 
Certainly countless other writers imagined 
vampires in love, from the characters in 
Carmilla and Chelsea Quinn Yarbro's fine 


Le Comte de Saint-Germain novels, to 
Buffy and Angel (or Buffy and Spike—she 
got around) and Charlaine Harris's Sookie 
Stackhouse and Bill Compton, as well as 
virtually every post-1931 screen Dracula 
(well, maybe not the Christopher Lee films). 
Anne Rice's Lestat has incestuous feelings 
about his mother and loves a handful of 
other women, as well as several of his male 
friends, over the course of a long life. 

The attraction of a vampire lover appears 
simple. Vampires, as the stories go, are 
incredibly needy and can't exist without 
at least one human food source. This need 
offers potential partners an opportunity 
for a fulfilling relationship. It's perfectly 
clear to these people that their vampire 
lover can't live without them and in fact 
depends on their willingness to be intimate 
and provide nourishment. And what more 
could one ask for in a lover than someone 
who lives forever, never becomes sick or 
old, has to stay home during the day and is 
always ready for action at night? 

For others the appeal lies in the possibility 
that a vampire lover can be reformed, made 
over into someone who doesn't bite. The 
powerful attraction of this idea is clear in 
various vampire stories. Mina has this hope 
for poor Count Dracula and rejoices when 
she sees “a look of peace” on his face in 
death. Film after revisionist film of Dracula 
lets us in on how he is not really a bad sort, 
in most cases just hung up on a woman. 
Anne Rice's vampires are filled with regret 
and longing for their lost mortal relation- 
ships, and both Angel and Spike struggle to 
be “good” vampires so they can pursue love 
with the human Buffy. 

It's not surprising, then, that vampires 
have captured the attention of some as love 
objects. The once monstrous creature has 
been transformed in books and film into 
one with great possibilities as the ideal part- 
ner. Truly, for the vampire lover, love sucks. 


“Did you bring the weed?” 


RAIDERS 
(continued from page 62) 


to Joe Greene and say, “We want to trade for 
you,” to soften him up, make him think we’re 
going to be teammates. The guy who ran the 
clock at our home games sped it up when we 
were ahead. Any little advantage.... 
DAVIDSON: Our reputation was as thugs, 
miscreants and degenerates. But we’d out- 
work you, too, and come from behind in the 
fourth quarter—things that took character. 


The Raiders won six division titles in the 
1970s and became the envy of the league. 
They were also a band of brigands who stuck 
together on and off the field. 


OTTO: We drank together. Madden had 
bed check around 11 o’clock—the assis- 
tant coaches would go around and look 
in our rooms at the El Rancho Tropicana, 
this quadrangle motel in Santa Rosa. They 
might skip Stabler’s room. They didn’t want 
to find he wasn't there. Then it'd be, “Don't 
tell Madden. He'll blow his top!" 
STABLER: Sure, we had our nightlife. We 
were a rockin' group of bearded longhairs, 
just like the A's, who were baseball's world 
champions. But we were ready to play on 
Sunday, weren't we? 

OTTO: They called me Pops or Company 
Man because I was a good citizen—never 
got fined, never missed a bed check. So 
one night we were drinking at Melendy's 
Lounge in Santa Rosa, and the rookies 
decided to get Pops fined. They picked up 
my VW and plugged the bar's front door 
with it—the only door. I crawled out the 
bathroom window, picked up the front 
of the car, moved it a little, went around, 
picked up the back and moved it till I could 
drive away. And I made bed check. 
FLORES: One day a nude woman streaked 
practice. She was sprinting. Everyone was 
cheering, but she didn't realize how long 
the field is. Around midfield she started 
running out of gas, like a lineman running 
back a fumble. Finally she staggered away. 
GERALD IRONS, linebacker, 1970-1975: We 
were a bunch of guys who loved the game 
and each other, not like the players today with 
their laptops and BlackBerrys. We didn't even 
have cell phones. Everything was face-to-face. 


Tackle Dan Birdwell had set the tone by 
coming off the field with blood and bits of the 
enemy’s skin under his fingernails and pop- 
ping his blisters at his teammates. Once, after 
polishing off half a gallon of vodka the night 
before a game, he took his stance and puked on 
the ball. At parties, the players sucked expen- 
sive substances from female fans’ navels. Sta- 
bler and his roommates festooned their suite 
at the El Rancho with bras and panties, and 
fought crabs with Pyrinate A-200 ointment. 
Under a sign in their bathroom they stuck a 
Pyrinate label that read COMBAT YOUR ENEMY. 


VILLAPIANO: One year Biletnikoff talked 
Carol Doda into being queen of the air- 
hockey tournament, held on the last day of 
preseason at Melendy’s. The famous strip- 
per with the enormous breasts—she was a 
major Raiders fan. 


CAROL DODA, exotic dancer, 44-25-35: 
Everybody loved the Raiders. I dated Fred 
Biletnikoff and got in on some of their wild 
times. As queen of their air-hockey tour- 
nament, I exposed my upper extremities. 
They were well received. 

VILLAPIANO: We had her block the goal 
with one of her breasts. There was no way 
the other guys could score. 


For all their success the Raiders couldn't 
get over the hump. They had the Pittsburgh 
Steelers beaten in the 1972 AFC play-offs 
until they were screwed by a miracle: the 
Immaculate Reception. 


FLORES: It was a cold, cold day in Three 
Rivers Stadium. Snake ran 30 yards for a 
touchdown to put us up 7-6. On fourth and 
10, with 22 seconds left, Terry Bradshaw 
threw toward Frenchy Fuqua. Jack Tatum hit 
Fuqua, and the ball went flying end over end. 
OTIS SISTRUNK, defensive end, 1972-1978: 
I was chasing Bradshaw. Almost got him. 
VILLAPIANO: I was covering Franco Harris. 
Bradshaw sprinted out to the left side. Franco 
and I were on the right. I left Franco when 
Bradshaw threw the ball. Now I was going 
toward Fuqua and Tatum. They collided, and 
the ball bounced right back over my head. 
OTTO: I saw Franco Harris reach down for 
the ball and thought, Where'd he come from? 
FLORES: It's one of those times when you're 
not sure what the hell you're seeing. Franco 
ran into the end zone. Our guys were stunned. 
Madden was going crazy. The fans were going 
crazy. The rule at the time was that two offen- 
sive players couldn't touch the ball without a 
defender touching it in between. 

OTTO: It should have been no catch. 
VILLAPIANO: A replay would have shown 
that Jack never touched the ball. And if you 
know Jack Tatum, you know he didn't want 
to knock the ball down. He likes to hit. But 
the officials saw thousands of Steelers fans 
swarming the field, out of control. 

OTTO: Those fans were about to riot. I was 
looking for a place to hide. 

FLORES: The official went to the sideline 
and talked to somebody on the phone. I 
still don't know why he did that. There was 
no instant replay in 1972. Then he signaled 
touchdown. So the ruling was that Tatum 
touched the ball. It's hard to tell—and some 
of us have watched that play 100 times. But 
Fuqua later admitted he had a bruise on his 
biceps —where the point of the ball hit. 


Oakland reached three straight AFC title 
games from 1973 to 1975 but lost each time. The 
snarling, self-styled Team of the 1970s hadn't 
been to a Super Bowl since the second one, in 
1968. But the pieces were coming together. 


VILLAPIANO: We got Ted Hendricks from 
Green Bay because he hated the Packers. 
But somebody had to go to Green Bay for 
him. Well, he was a Pro Bowl linebacker, 
and so was I. I kept hearing it would be 
me. I was waiting for the shoe to drop, 
playing like shit, when Madden called me 
in. He said, "Phil, what the fuck's wrong 
with you?" I told him I didn't want to go to 
Green Bay. He said, "If you go, I'm out of 
here too. But you didn't hear me say that." 
John was a real player's coach. He wouldn't 


talk about your fucking footwork—you're 
a pro already—but he was a master at the 
psychological side of the game. 

FLORES: Hendricks was six-seven and 
fast—the most dominating defensive player 
I ever coached. His arms and torso were so 
long that blockers couldn't get to his body 
to block him. He was so tall he could see 
over them. He'd wait for a ballcarrier to get 
close, then throw his blocker aside. 
STABLER: He came to his first Raiders 
practice riding a horse. We looked up and 
saw Hendricks in full uniform, waving a 
traffic cone as if it were a lance. He rode 
up to Madden and said, "Coach, I'm ready 
to play some football." 

TED *THE MAD STORK" HENDRICKS, line- 
backer, 1975-1983: That kind of stuff 
didn't faze the Raiders. We were a team of 
individualists. 

DAVIDSON: I was retired by then, but Ted 
asked permission to wear my number, 83. 
He came to me with his head down, as if he 
were a kid, as if he needed my blessing. I 
said, “I can't think of a better guy to wear it.” 
STABLER: His nickname was the Mad Stork, 
but we called him Kick 'Em— Ted “Kick ’Em” 
Hendricks, short for Kick 'Em in the Head. 
Before one game he smashed his own head 
into a locker and caved it in—the locker. 
FLORES: Otto had retired—the original Mr. 
Raider. Here was the center who had made 
the snap on the franchise's first play in 1960, 
when I was playing quarterback. Nobody was 
tougher than Jim. He'd get so dinged up he 
didn't know where he was. We'd prop him up 
in the huddle till the cobwebs cleared. 
OTTO: I did every snap for 308 games in a 
row. Long snaps, too. I practiced those till 
I could get the ball to the holder in seven 
tenths of a second, spinning just right so 
when he caught it the sweet side of the 
ball—the side away from the laces—was 
facing the kicker. I made every snap for 15 
years. I played with broken fingers, ribs, a 
broken jaw, kicked-in teeth and pneumonia, 
and I broke my nose more than 20 times. 
I've had more than 50 surgeries, 12 knee 
replacements, two artificial shoulders. I 
broke my back twice and then, in 2007, had 
my right leg amputated. But I understood 
the risks when I played. It was worth it. 
SISTRUNK: Otto was so tough. You've got to 
play nicked up—T'd play after getting 125 cc 
of blood drained out of my knee—but after 
seeing Otto, you wouldn't complain. 
FLORES: Before Otto retired he wanted one 
last play, so Madden put him into a pre- 
season game. Now, Otto had a huge head; 
his helmet was size 8%, the biggest on the 
team. He snapped the ball and just labeled 
the guy across the line—drove the label on 
the front of that big helmet right through 
him. Then he hobbled off the field with a 
smile on his face. One last hit. 


Oakland went 11—3 and made the play-offs 
again in 1975. During a regular-season blow- 
out of Denver, Madden got the only penalty 
of his coaching career. “You blind bastard," 
he yelled at a line judge who had flagged free 
safety Jack Tatum for a hit on running back 
Floyd Little. When the official asked who he 
was calling a blind bastard, Madden shot back, 
“You’re the only one here!” The ref hit him 
with a 15-yard penalty for unsportsmanlike 


eopard and stretch lace teddy 
with rhinestone buckle at center. 
One size. Only $23! 


Order today! 


800-726-7035 
WWW. Danties.com 


E EL 
LIBERATOR. COM 
1.866.542.7283 


123 


PLAYBOY 


conduct. Madden said he was the only man 
ever penalized for answering a direct question. 
In the play-offs, his Raiders lost another AFC 
title game to the Steelers, who went on to win 
their second straight Super Bowl. 


VILLAPIANO: Madden was so pissed we lost 
to Pittsburgh again. The next year at camp, 
he gave a speech. He wanted everybody to 
hear what we were going to do. “We’re 
gonna play a cover-three”—a rotating zone 
toward the weak side. “And a cover-one.” 
That’s a man-to-man. “We’re going to trap 
block and run the ball down their throats,” 
he said. “This is our year.” 

MADDEN: This is our year. Let's not get fancy. 
Let’s just kick ass. 


During that 1976 season the Raiders signed 
John “the Tooz” Matuszak—a hulking head 
case who helped anchor their defensive line. 


VILLAPIANO: We had some guys hurt, so I 
told Al, “You gotta get us a defensive end.” He 
signed Matuszak, a lunatic. The next day Al said, 
“Phil, I got you your fucking defensive end.” 
NEWHOUSE: The Tooz came from Kansas 
City, where he’d overdosed on drugs and 
booze. Paul Wiggin, the Chiefs’ coach, was 
with him in the ambulance when Matuszak’s 
heart stopped. Wiggin pounded on the 
Tooz’s chest until it started up again. 
FLORES: We went to a three-man line that 
year because we had more quality lineback- 
ers than defensive linemen. Matuszak and 
Sistrunk at DE gave us an awesome front. 
Tooz bench-pressed close to 400 pounds. 
Off the field he required some handling. 
I remember waving my finger up at this 
monster of a man and talking to him as if 
he were a two-year-old: “John, you've got to 
behave.” He was hanging his head, saying, 
"Aw, I'm sorry, coach.” 
VILLAPIANO: Davis rented a house for 
Tooz, and it was my job to look after him. 
We'd go straight from practice to the bar 
at the Hilton. The bartender knew what to 
pour: left sides for Tooz and me, since that 
was our side of the defense, and right sides 
for Sistrunk and Hendricks. Left sides were 
giant triple scotches; right sides were giant 
triple Crown Royals. We'd have three or four 
of those to get warmed up for a night out. 
One day Art Thoms and I went over to 
Tooz’s house. No Tooz. We moved all his 
furniture—put the bed in the kitchen, all 
the kitchen appliances in the bathroom. We 
took his record albums and lined the yard 
with them, gave the yard and the house a 
border of record albums. We came back a 
week later, and the albums were back in the 
house—Tooz loved his tunes—but the fur- 
niture was still where we left it. “I like it,” 
he said. He thought it looked unique. 


With Stabler completing 67 percent of 
his passes, Oakland went 13-1 in 1976. On 
defense, Matuszak and Sistrunk stuffed the 
run and chased quarterbacks while four line- 
backers, including Hendricks and Villapiano, 
filled holes or backpedaled into coverage. 
But the heart of the best Raiders team yet 
was the Soul Patrol: fast, ferocious defensive 
backs George Atkinson, Willie Brown, Jack 
“the Assassin” Tatum and Skip “Dr. Death” 


124 Thomas. (When Tatum bowled over a Raider- 


ette on the sideline, he sent her a note read- 
ing, “You’ve got a nice booty.”) 


CEDRICK HARDMAN, defensive end, 1980- 
1981: I was with the 49ers in 1976. Every- 
body in the league thought Oakland was 
devastating on defense and sometimes dirty. 
Atkinson hit the Steelers’ Lynn Swann with 
a forearm smash when Swann was nowhere 
near the ball. Knocked him out. That’s when 
Chuck Noll, the Steelers’ coach, called Oak- 
land the league’s “criminal element.” 
OTTO: It’s a man’s game. But Swann was a 
crybaby. He didn’t have the guts to catch a 
pass over the middle. 

MILLEN: Tatum set the standard for what a 
Raiders defender was supposed to be. 
VILLAPIANO: Tate lived to hit. We all liked to. 
Some of us wore special pads on our forearms. 
They were similar to a plaster cast. You hit a 
guy with that and he feels as if he got clocked 
with a brick. I had a smaller one for the base 
of my hand that I’d hide under a black 
glove. We wouldn’t wear this stuff in warm- 
ups because the referees would check, but 
after warm-ups we’d go get our special pads. 


After taking revenge on Pittsburgh in the 
AFC championship, the Raiders went on to 


“The Vikings play football 
like a guy laying carpet. 
The Raiders play like a guy 
jumping through a skylight 
with a machine gun.” —Jim 
Murray, Los Angeles Times 


Super Bowl XI against the Minnesota Vikings. 
The nation’s top sports columnist saw the 
matchup as a collision of opposites. 


JIM MURRAY, Los Angeles Times: The Vikings 
play football like a guy laying carpet. The Raid- 
ers play like a guy jumping through a skylight 
with a machine gun. 

STABLER: We were tough. We were free 
spirits. And we had a monstrous offensive 
line. Our center, Dave Dalby, was the light- 
est at 255. We had Art Shell, 290, blocking 
Jim Marshall, 225. We had Upshaw, 265, 
on Alan Page, 235. That shows you how the 
game has changed. Look at college football: 
Last year Alabama’s offensive line went 348, 
310, 315, 320, 318—all of them fast. But I 
felt good behind that line of ours. 
FLORES: In our last practice before the 
Super Bowl, Snake threw pass after pass, 
dozens of throws, with the defense trying 
hard, and not one ball hit the ground. It 
was eerie. It was making John and me ner- 
vous. Finally John claps his hands: “Okay, 
that’s enough!” We were ready. 

STABLER: In the Super Bowl we moved the 
ball our first two possessions but got only 
three points. Madden’s running his hands 
through his hair, bitching and moaning that 
we haven’t scored enough. I said, “John, 


don’t worry. There are more points where 
those came from.” We got touchdowns our 
next two drives. 


In the second half, Assassin Tatum hit 
Vikings receiver Sammy White so hard 
White’s helmet flew five yards. Tatum looked 
disappointed that White’s head wasn’t still 
in it. Biletnikoff ran a Stabler pass 33 yards, 
then ran out of steam like the training-camp 
streaker. Back in the huddle he said, “I was 
looking for a gas station along the way.” 
Final score: Raiders 32, Vikings 14. 


HENDRICKS: We should have won three 
straight Super Bowls. Not that I’m com- 
plaining. You should see our rings. Did you 
know the diamonds in Super Bowl rings 
have meaning? Ours had 10 little ones on 
the outside, representing the Raiders’ 10 
years in the AFL. Sixteen bigger diamonds 
were inside those, for the 16 games we won 
that season, and a really big diamond was 
in the middle because we won the big one. 
STABLER: The counterculture longhairs got 
"ег done. 

FLORES: ГЇЇ never forget watching the Tooz 
dance at our Super Bowl party. For a huge 
man, he had great rhythm. If you'd seen 
him play you wouldn't believe you were 
standing in a hotel ballroom after Super 
Bowl XI, watching John Matuszak do the 
jitterbug. When everyone else got tired he 
was still out there—the Tooz on the dance 
floor by himself, jitterbugging. 


Every Thursday night was Camaraderie 
Night, when the players got drunk together. But 
Stabler and Matuszak made every night Cama- 
raderie Night. They rented a house and set a 
team record by packing the hot tub with seven 
naked women. Matuszak asked, “If I put two 
more on my shoulders, will that count as nine, 
Snake?” When a team staffer drove him to a 
party, the Tooz kept asking the staffer to put his 
hand in his girlfriend’s crotch and tell him how 
it smelled. Prodigious drinker Matuszak also 
loaded up on cocaine, steroids and speed. 


FLORES: Tooz wasn't destructive to the 
team, just to himself. He wore his body out. 


In 1963 the San Diego Chargers became 
one of the first professional football teams 
to systematically use steroids. The team kept 
them on the training table. Growth hormones 
came later—including a potentially deadly 
black-market GH made from pooled cadaver 
brains. By the 1970s players were grabbing 
gray amphetamine pills called “rat turds” 
from a jar in the Raiders” locker room. 
According to a team doctor, some were low- 
dose amphetamine users, “and those guys 
were called crop dusters. Others indulged 
more heavily. They were called 747s. The Tooz 
was called John Glenn.” 


OTTO: You could tell who took uppers from 
their dilated eyes. I took prescription pain 
medication and muscle relaxers. Growth hor- 
mone was there too—even horse testosterone. 
ROB HUIZENGA, M.D., team physician, 1983 
1990: Horse testosterone is very similar to the 
human kind, except for the picture of a horse 
on the label. Did they take less than a 1,000- 
pound horse would get? Maybe not. Football 


SPEG} CIAL 
- EXTENSION 


ЕЕЕБ 


UFEER. 


Extend your PLAYBOY Digital subscription 
RIGHT NOW & continue having the world's 
hottest girls delivered to your computer. 


FREE 
GIFTS 


LICH HERE 


[0 "om your subscription to 


PLAYBOY 
DIGITAL 


GET 


FREE 


GIFTS 


WHEN YOU 


RENEW 
PLAYBOY 
DIGITAL 


CLICK HERE 


to extend your subscription to 
PLAYBOY DIGITAL! 


players think that if one is good, three is bet- 
ter. Sure, you can say they were out of their 
minds, but if they didn't take drugs their per- 
formance could suffer, they could lose money 
and their teammates would look down on 
them. The bigger problem was doctors who 
were out of their minds, thinking of Super 
Bowl rings. In some positions half the players 
in the league were taking steroids, which were 
legal with a prescription. There were “steroids 
teams” and “growth-hormone teams.” 
STABLER: It sure wasn’t modern corporate 
football. Our fullback Marv Hubbard got 
so hyped up when we played the Chiefs, 
he’d tell them the play. He’d point at Willie 
Lanier, a great, great linebacker, and yell, 
"Comin' right at you, Willie! Here I come!” 
І could have changed the play, but I'd hand 
Marv the ball and let him get killed. 
HARDMAN: Guys put petroleum jelly on 
their jerseys to be slippery. Lester Hayes, 
the cornerback, was the opposite. He used 
more stickum than Biletnikoff. You didn't 
high-five Lester or you'd literally bond with 
him. I saw him pick up a football with the 
back of his hand. One pass hit the inside of 
his arm and stuck there. 

DAVIDSON: Some of our fans were pretty 
crazy too. There was Dirty Ed, a roller- 
derby pro who'd been a POW in the Korean 
War. There was Mexican Guy in a Cape. We 
spoke Spanish with him. When one fan's 
dog bit him, we had the team trainer patch 
him up, then a bunch of us stormed out 
to the parking lot. “We're gonna kill that 
dog!" He thought we were serious. 
HUNTER S. THOMPSON, gonzo Raiders fan: 
Every game was a terrifying adventure, win or 
lose, and the Raiders of the 1970s usually won. 
Raider Nation is beyond doubt the sleaziest, rud- 
est and most sinister mob of thugs and wackos 
euer assembled in such numbers. 

DAVIDSON: The closest we got to real war 
off the field was when the Hells Angels beat 
up Phil Villapiano. 

VILLAPIANO: It happened outside a bar. 
This Hells Angels guy was sitting on the 
hood of my car. I said something, he said 
something, and you know what? Those guys 
don't fight fair. His buddy comes up behind 
me, bang. I took a hammer to the head. Then 
it got ugly. I was laid up for a month. 
NEWHOUSE: Now, you do not mess with the 
Hells Angels, but the Raiders decided to go 
after them. Jack Tatum, Art Shell and Gene 
Upshaw formed a war party. 

DAVIDSON: But Madden defused the situa- 
tion. He said, “Phil’s all right. He played a 
couple of ball games all at once, but he'll be 
okay." So the Raiders didn't go to war with 
the Hells Angels. 

VILLAPIANO: We had a game to prepare 
for. I said, "Guys, I'll heal." 


In the 1978 preseason the Assassin smashed 
Patriots receiver Darryl Stingley on a play that 
left Stingley paralyzed from the neck down. 


NEWHOUSE: It wasn't the hit that did the 
damage, a legal hit. It was when Stingley hit 
the turf. What always stuck with me was that 
the Patriots were going to fly home and leave 
him in the hospital alone. Madden caught 
their team plane before it took off. He said, 
"You've got to leave somebody with him." So 
a PR guy stayed. But do you know who spent 


as much time as anyone in that hospital? Mad- 
den. He and his wife, Virginia, became real 
friends with Stingley's family. John would get 
back from a road game exhausted, go to the 
hospital and sit with Darryl Stingley. 


Early in 1978 Oakland trailed the Chargers 
14-20 with 10 seconds on the clock. San Diego's 
Woody Lowe hit Stabler for a game-ending 
sack—but Stabler fumbled the ball forward, 
triggering the game-winning Holy Roller stunt. 


STABLER: For me, that's the play that defines 
us. It was a drop-back pass. Standing over 
center I was thinking, Don't get trapped 
with the ball. Lowe sacked me, so I just 
rolled the ball out there. Now it's bouncing 
around. Pete Banaszak bats it toward the 
end zone. Then Dave Casper inadvertently 
kicks it. Three times. Casper finally picks 
it up for a touchdown. We just wouldn't 
accept not getting to the end zone. That's 
the Raiders way: You find a way to win. 


The 1978 Raiders went 9—7 but missed the 
play-offs. Madden was burned out. For years 
Stabler saw him vomit pregame, halftime and 
postgame. According to Matuszak, the coach 
was “living on Maalox and Rolaids, but his 
ulcer wasn't responding." Madden left coach- 
ing for the TV booth in 1979, retiring with a 
career record of 112-39—7. 


FLORES: I took over from John as head coach. 
He was colorful, and I was boring, but I'd 
played with some wackos. After seven years 
as an assistant I knew our guys. Todd Chris- 
tensen, who joined us that year, was the philo- 
sophical type. I was trying to get him to huddle 
up when he quoted Thoreau. I said, “Get 
your ass in the huddle—that's a quote from 
Tennessee Williams." Todd said, “Touché!” 
VILLAPIANO: We were Raiders, and we made 
that mean something. Guys on other teams 
told Raiders stories. They wanted to join us. 
Lyle Alzado used to call me and say, “Phil, can 


you get me on the Raiders?” By the time Al 
finally got Lyle, he’d traded me to Buffalo. A 
lot ofthings changed in 1979. 


Davis sent Stabler to the Oilers after 
another 9-7 season. Other stars of the 1970s 
teams would retire or play out the string else- 
where. The 1980 Raiders bounced back to win 
the Super Bowl with Flores as head coach, 

Jim “Chunky” Plunkett at quarterback and 
Cedrick Hardman joining the defense. 


HARDMAN: Га played in the 49ers flex 
defense. It was complicated: a four-man 
front with the other defenders near the 
ball in four-point stances, the middle line- 
backer calling the basic defense, options 
for the outside linebackers and tackles. 
Then I came to Oakland, where we had 
more freedom. We had a basic run defense 
called Orange, with a three-man front. In 
our free-form pass rush, Pirate, the basic 
idea was “Go get the quarterback.” 
FLORES: That Super Bowl was a great way 
to start the 1980s, but it wasn't the same old 
Raiders. We had only 11 guys left from the 
1976 Super Bowl team. 

NEWHOUSE: Their top draft pick in 1980 
was Marc Wilson from Brigham Young. Wil- 
son wore Mormon underwear, a two-piece 
white temple garment. It had to test his faith 
to look around the locker room at the wild 
men around him—the ones who were left. 


The Raiders won another Super Bowl in 
1983, but by then they were the Los Angeles 
Raiders. Davis had moved the franchise the 
year before, leaving behind fans in T-shirts 
reading OAKLAND TRAITORS. The Raiders 
returned to Oakland in 1995, but their gory 
glory days were long gone. 


Today Al Davis, 80, still runs the Raiders. 

John Madden, 73, retired from broad- 
casting this year. His EA Sports video games 
have earned more than $2 billion. 


"I'm the only one left. They've outsourced, downsized or 
offshored everyone else.” 


125 


PLAYBOY 


126 


Ben Davidson, 69, went on to movie roles 
in MASH and Conan the Barbarian and had 
a cameo as a bouncer in the porn classic 
Behind the Green Door. 

Jim Otto, 71, made millions running 
Burger King franchises in California. He 
walks on a computerized right leg “with a 
hydraulic piston in it. I can hit a button and go 
faster, but it won't get me back on the field.” 

Tom Flores, 72, went 97-87 as a head 
coach, with two Super Bowl victories. He 
now broadcasts Raiders games on San 
Francisco's KSFO radio. 

Ted Hendricks, 61, runs charity golf 
tournaments and sells NFL merchandise 
on his website, tedhendricks.com. 

John Matuszak died at the age of 38 after 
overdosing on a painkiller. 

Matt Millen, 51, one of the most reviled 
NFL executives ever during his 2001-2008 
stint as CEO of the Lions, has returned to 
the TV booth. 

Jack Tatum, 60, never spoke with Darryl 
Stingley after the 1978 hit that paralyzed 
him. Stingley died in 2007. Tatum, a diabetic, 
lost the lower part of his left leg in 2003. 

Legendary stripper Carol Doda runs 
Carol Doda's Champagne and Lace Linge- 
rie Boutique in San Francisco. 


Raiders fan George Carlin died in 2008, 
though not before making this prediction: 
“Someday the Raiders will be strong again, 
and they will dip the ball in shit and shove 
it down the throats of the wholesome white 
heartland teams that pray together and 
don't deliver late hits.” 

Phil Villapiano, 60, is vice president of a 
shipping company in New Jersey. In 2001 
he gave his 1976 Super Bowl ring to a fan 
who was disabled by a broken neck, saying, 
“Give it back when you can walk again.” With 
help from Villapiano and a grueling Raid- 
ers rehab program, the fan walked across a 
room and handed the ring to Villapiano. 

Ken Stabler, 63, whose grandchildren call 
him Papa Snake, works with a team that runs 
a silver-and-black car in NASCAR races. 


STABLER: You know, a writer once read 
me a Jack London quote. It went, “I would 
rather be a meteor, every atom in me a 
magnificent glow, than a sleepy and per- 
manent planet. The function of man is to 
live, not exist.” The writer asked what that 
meant to me. I thought about it, then I 
said, “Throw deep.” 


Crude 
(continued from page 86) 


Finding a contact like him is not easy or cheap. 
But if you’re willing to pay, there is always 
someone willing to talk. Isaac knows what I 
need to hear, and he speaks good English. The 
call goes straight to voice mail. Cell coverage in 
the Delta leaves something to be desired, but 
Isaac will get back to me when he has a signal. 
I sip coffee and check my screens: crude 
testing $79. In a couple hours when my staff 
arrives, I'll sit behind the turret, barking buy 
orders into the phone bank while everyone 
watches crude slide, wondering if I’m off my 
fucking rocker. Kyle, our red-eyed intern, will 
scratch his head and jot notes on his yellow 
legal pad, thinking this isn’t what he learned 
in technical analysis class. Then there’s Jake 
Riley, a salty-haired prick who’s been in the oil 
business as long as I’ve been alive. He'll quietly 
fill orders, salivating, hoping today is the day 
I go bankrupt and he regains his place at the 
top of the lineup. Jake used to sit behind the 
nice granite desk, and he wants it back. I know 
because he told me, a drunken confession in 
the restroom at the company Christmas party. 
“Trust me, Hunter, you lucky fuck,” he said, 
leaning against the urinal. “Luck runs out.” 


Dad is driving to Houston today, six hours 
from Ozona, to see the Astros retire Jeff Bag- 
well’s number at Minute Maid Park. Bags 
is Dad’s favorite player of the modern era. 
Fifteen years, an entire career, with the same 
team. “You don’t see players with that sense 
of loyalty anymore,” Dad tells anyone who 
wants to argue over it. He has the tickets 
already, first baseline, third deck. Maybe with 
binoculars we'll be able to see. Dad will pay 
for his own parking, his own beer and pea- 
nuts. He won't accept a dime from me. 

Last time we went to a game together, dur- 
ing the NLCS two seasons ago, we sat in Cen- 
taur’s luxury box. Panoramic view. Plasma 
televisions. Open bar and seafood buffet. At 
the bottom of the fourth, while Clemens was 
pitching shutout baseball, Dad left without 
shaking any hands. “He’s feeling a little under 
the weather,” I told my bosses. 

You'd think a father would brag if his son 
landed him in a skybox for a play-off game. But 
not Dad. To him it’s not an honest living, end of 
story. A thousand times I’ve offered to pay off 
the mortgage so he can retire before his back 
quits on him. A millionaire for a son and he’s 
eating Hamburger Helper three nights a week, 
canceling Mom’s magazine subscriptions so he 
can scrounge a dollar here, a dollar there. 

When Dad looks at me he sees the men 
in suits who drive around the oil fields in 
Ozona, peering at the pumps, taking notes 
on their clipboards. “Playing with oil” is what 
he calls my line of business. Traders, bankers, 
wildcatters—they re all the same crooks to him. 
He doesn’t understand what it means to cre- 
ate wealth. Last year I contributed $600,000 to 
the federal tax coffers. Nine thousand in prop- 
erty taxes. Roads were built with my money. 
Schools were improved. I donated $30,000 to 
charities. Tax deductible but $30,000 none- 
theless. Children in West Africa are sleeping 
under mosquito nets that I paid for. 

Dad’s aching back keeps him awake, but 


The Greatest Secrets, 
Tips, Turn-Ons and Techniques for 


the Very 


One toll-free phone call right now is all it takes to start you on a sensuous “Exploration Of Pleasure” 
that will take your breath away with excitement! For a limited time, we’re offering a special 50% off 
savings on our exclusive Exploring Better Sex Video Series™ — the uncensored 4-DVD set that will 
help you discover, achieve and enjoy a whole new world of ultimate sexual pleasure and satisfaction! 
The intimate knowledge you'll gain from these 4 DVDs ... the erotic tips, turn-ons and techniques 
YOU’LL SEE demonstrated ... will help make your sex life more incredibly exciting than ever before! 


UNCUT, UNCENSORED ... AND RED HOT! 


Each time you watch these explosively informative DVDs, 


РА you'll learn something great and new about lovemaking — we 
guarantee it! You and your lover will get so aroused “exploring” 


new sexual adventures together, you'll BOTH want to try what 
you see while you’re watching! 


It's one of the reasons why this enlightening DVD set is so popular. 
But here’s another great reason — A SAVINGS OF 50%)! And to top it 
all off, we'll also send you 2 FREE scorching hot Bonus Videos! 


Includes: 
SEXPLORATIONS: 22 SEX SECRETS, TIPS & TURN-ONS: 


Let your lovemaking skyrocket to a new dimension of ecstasy with these 22 
proven pleasure-boosters that will make you both feel like “superstars” in the 
bedroom! (approx.76 min.) 


CREATIVE POSITIONS FOR LOVERS: 
Discover new and unique sex positions that will keep your sex life exciting. 


BONUS VIDEO #1 THE ART OF ORAL SEX shows 
11 real couples demonstrating the hottest oral sex tips for 


This DVD shows advanced techniques that guarantee pleasure. (approx.60 min.) clitoral excitement, fellatio and more. 

MAXIMIZING G SPOT PLEASURE: BONUS VIDEO +2 THE ART OF SEXUAL 

Watch this DVD to learn where her G SPOT is and how to arouse it. Once you do, POSITIONS shares tips for optimum G spot stimulation, 
be ready for explosive, earth- shattering orgasms that will keep her more satistied deeper penetration & Kama Sutra secrets. 


than ever! (approx.60 min.) 


BETTER SEX GUIDE TO ANAL PLEASURE: 

Advanced lovers know that this former “taboo sex move” can lead to the most 
exhilarating and explosive orgasms ever, See best positions and specially designed 
toys for you and your lover. (approx.60 min.) 


Get both videos, a $40 value, FREE when you order today! 


For fastest service with credit cards or for a FREE catalog 


call: ¿Y [ ext.8PB208 


DVD SET plus 2 DVDs | FACTIO | Or mail to: Sinclair Institute, ext.8PB208 


PO Box 8865, Chapel Hill, NC 27515 


4» DVD#4 DVD #3 DVD #2 DVD #1 


B кек, jad Check desired format: o VHS or П омо ITEM NO. TOTAL 
Use source code 8PB208 at checkout to ' The Art of Oral Sex (Free with purchase) #3766 FREE 
receive your FREE videos and $6.00 S&H. The Art of Sexual Positions (Free with purchase) = E 
; y i Vol. 1: Sexplorations: 22 Sex Secrets, Tips & Turn-Ons. #3502 
Vol. 2: Creative Positions for Lovers #1785 
Vol. 3: Maximizing G spot Pleasures #3539 
Vol. 4: Better Sex Guide to Anal Pleasure #2645 
uy The 4-Volume Set and Get 50% Off! | #4707 


O Bank Money Order Г] Check C visa C мс 
О Avex O discover 


Name 
Address 
City State Zip 
Card # Exp. Date 
Signature * 
("1 certify that | am over age 18.) Er 
NC orders please add 6.75% sales tax. Canadian Orders add U.S. $6 shipping. А 


Sorry - No Cash or C.0.D. 8PB208 ©2009 Sinclair Institute, SINCLAIR, 


PLAYBOY 


128 


I stay up too, considering winter weather 
projections, Atlantic trade routes, the next 
Hurricane Katrina, energy reform in Con- 
gress, bombings in Iraq, pipeline disruptions 
in Waterside. Knowledge is capital. Seventy- 
hour weeks. Sleepless nights. Skipped vaca- 
tions. Being too exhausted on Friday nights 
to go out and meet someone. 

We're more alike than he knows. Га tell 
him so, but we never get further than the 
Astros or the weather before he passes the 
phone to Mom. 


At seven A.M. my staff assembles for the pre- 
analytics meeting. Fifteen people clutching 
coffee cups. I write the day’s objective on 
the whiteboard: DOUBLE DOWN UNDER 78! I 
explain how I want the orders spread. Kyle 
scrapes a dry pen on his notepad, afraid 
he’ll miss something. “Sir,” he says, “the 
ЕТА number is going to be big tomorrow. It 
might be a good idea to hedge our bets.” 

“There’s a million fucking pens in this 
office, Kyle,” I say. “Throw that one away.” 

“Yes, sir,” he says, putting the dry pen in 
his pocket. “I guess what I mean is that if 
we hedge——” 

“Let me worry about that,” I say. “That’s 
what they pay me for.” 

"Don't sweat it, kid,” Jake says, digging some- 
thing from underneath his fingernail. “If the 
big dog says we're covered, we're covered." 

Afterward they wait at their desks for the 
NYMEX to open in New York. At eight A.M. 
the screens take off. They reach for their 
phones. The floor erupts in a flurry of voices, 
the sound of energy coursing around the 
globe. From my office window, everywhere I 
look, I see the age of peak oil. Planes streaking 
across the sky. Expressways clogged with cars. 
Construction workers spreading hot, black 
asphalt. Even here in the office, Kyle hurry- 
ing past with a tray of plastic foam coffee cups. 


By 10 A.M. short sellers smell blood, and 
crude is testing $78. I get my call back from 
Isaac, four P.M. his time. 

"Soon," he says, voice echoing in the shaky 
connection. “Exactly when I do not know." 

"Does 'soon' help me, Isaac?" 

“No, sir." 

"I need to know a time. I need to know 
as soon as you know. Understand?" 

*Of course, sir." 

“Good,” I say, checking my screens. “Then 
call back when you can help me.” 

“Yes, sir.” 

I turn to the turret, call out an order for 
500 more contracts. Everyone freezes, peering 
through my office window. I get up from my 
desk and stick my head out the door: “Did I 
stutter? Five zero zero!” 

They get moving. 


Isaac and I have never met. He oversees 
an offshore platform for Shell in the Delta. 
He has a wife and three daughters. I hear 
their voices, sometimes, in the background 
during our calls. Someday, he tells me, he 
wants them to visit the Grand Canyon. 

I visited Nigeria once, toured the creeks 
via helicopter, taking notes as we swooped 
over platforms and barges. On the water 
below, oil executives zipped around in 
speedboats. The executives are from dozens 
of different countries, but they all want the 
same thing—to finish their inspections and 
get back to their hotels in Abuja for a mas- 
sage and a buffet before the flight home. 

The pipelines are vast, pumping over a 
million barrels a day of sweet, low-sulfur 
crude. Compared with the Niger Delta, West 
Texas is a sour, used-up prom queen. You'd 
think Nigeria would be enjoying a golden 
age, but no. A classic case of the resource 
curse. Here they are, sitting on 36 billion 
barrels of dinosaur juice, and instead of 


“Oh, excuse me. I had no idea the meeting was gomg so well.” 


nationalizing and using the revenues to 
diversify their economy, they take the quick 
payday from companies like Shell, Korea 
National Oil, Willbros. And by “quick pay- 
day” I mean millions in the pockets of select 
politicians who retire early in Europe. Long 
story short, less than one percent of the oil 
revenue finds its way into the hands of the 
local citizens. Corruption in Nigeria is a part 
of life, like breathing. Isaac tells me an ambu- 
lance will not pick up victims of a car acci- 
dent unless someone at the scene pays cash. 
But there are always Robin Hoods in a story 
like this. Case in point, MEND, the Movement 
for the Emancipation of the Nigerian Delta. 
Depending on who you ask, they are heroes, 
patriots, rebels or terrorists. In reality they 
are members of the Ijaw ethnic community 
who've figured out that with guns and speed- 
boats they can fuck with the global oil trade. 
They fund operations with proceeds from sto- 
len oil. Cold War-era firearms, $3 cell phones 
and they’re in business, sabotaging pipelines, 
kidnapping Western oil workers for ran- 
som, demanding millions for environmental 
cleanup and school projects. The oil compa- 
nies pay up to avoid having to halt produc- 
tion. When it comes to kidnapping, MEND is 
efficient and exceedingly nice. One German 
oil worker held for three weeks was allowed 
to watch his favorite soccer matches. Unfortu- 
nately, without his pills, he caught malaria and 
almost died. When he finally returned home, 
MEND sent him $2,000 U.S. and a letter 
apologizing for the inconvenience. 


When the NYMEX closes at 1:30, I get a 
call from Steve Finney. Finney works for the 
Department of Homeland Security, a liaison 
between the CIA and the SEC. He monitors 
the markets for unusual trading that might 
indicate a potential terror attack. 

“Oil's sinking,” he says. “But my screens show 
big buy orders. Tell me what you know.” 

Steve Finney wouldn't know a big buy order 
if it hit him in the nuts. He's a bright guy, but 
last I heard his annual budget is about equal to 
what Centaur spends each month on printer 
paper. With a four-person staff monitoring 
$6 trillion of global assets, Steve is a sea turtle 
hunting a great white shark. 

“Volatile market,” I say. 

Steve can barely scratch the surface of our 
trades. His screens show him only what’s 
happening on the open market. At Centaur we 
spread orders over three Alternative Trading 
Systems—Liquidnet, Posit, Turquoise—take 
your pick. The SEC calls them dark pools. We 
call them privacy. In this business, if your left 
hand knows what your right hand is doing, 
too much information has leaked. If anyone 
sees big money moving on October contracts, 
the market reacts, and we don't get the price 
we want. You can’t make money that way. 

“People are talking about you, Hunter,” 
Finney says. 

“Only believe the good stuff,” I tell him. 
“Now get back to your homework, Steve-O. 
I’ve got a meeting.” 


e 
On my 16th birthday Dad let me drive his 
truck out to the field office of Pioneer Natural 


Resources where he picked up his paycheck. 
Iremember taking every turn carefully. When 


we pulled into the gravel parking lot, Samuel 
J. Allen III pulled his Cadillac in right beside 
us, a shiny red hardtop with sun-bleached 
longhorns affixed to the hood. Mr. Allen, one 
of the original Texas wildcatters, built Pioneer 
from the ground up. His name came up fre- 
quently in the Ozona Stockman, on the evening 
news and at our dinner table. Even the dogs 
in Ozona knew Mr. Allen on account of the 
Milk-Bones he kept in his suit pocket. 

“Well, looky here,” Mr. Allen said. “You’re 
behind the wheel already?” 

“Yes, sir.” 

He looked at my dad. “Time flies, don’t 
it, Richard?” 

“Tt does, sir.” 

“Well, listen,” Mr. Allen said, reaching into 
his pocket. “I want you to take this card. And 
come summer vacation you decide you’d 
like to earn a little money like your old man 
here, you just come see me.” 

“Thank you, sir,” I said. 

“You have a dog at home?” 

“Yes, sir.” 

“Here,” he said, pulling a Baggie from 
his other pocket. “Feed him one of these.” 

I took a Milk-Bone and said thank you. He 
straightened his bolo tie and walked inside. Dad 
followed to get his check. I sat in the driver’s 
seat, looking over Mr. Allen’s gold-embossed 
card. When Dad came out he told me to slide 
over. He got behind the wheel and backed out 
slowly, careful not to hit the Cadillac. When we 
pulled onto the expressway he stomped the 
gas, engine straining under the hood. 

“Let me see that card,” he said. 

“Do you think he meant what he said?” 

Dad rolled down the window, let the card 
flutter away. 

“Hey!” 

“TI tell you everything you need to know 
about Mr. Allen,” he said. “He strikes a new 
patch and strolls down to the tavern to buy 
everyone a round of bourbon.” 

“What’s wrong with that?” 

“What’s wrong?” Dad said. “He makes 
another million, maybe more. Rest of us keep 
our nine bucks an hour. You understand 
what I'm telling you? A man dressed like him 
offers you a job, you walk the other way.” 

“He offered you a job.” 

“That’s different. Ozona was different 
back then. And you're different. You've got 
something between your ears, son, so use it. 
I don’t care if you sell pink panties so long 
as you stay out of oil.” 

And so I listened. Picked up my grades. 
Went to UT Austin. McCombs School of 
Business. Took an internship with Centaur 
running risk analytics. Dad was proud of me, 
waking up early every day, riding high. After 
graduation the only full-time spot Centaur 
could offer was at the oil desk. I hadn't for- 
gotten what Dad told me, but I knew why 
he didn’t want me rising in the oil business. 
He thought Га think less of him if I saw the 
fields from higher on the ladder. He'd spent 
30 years pulling crude out of the desert. He’d 
lifted me on his back. Now it was only fair for 
our family to get some of those profits. 

“Now I guess I’m an oilman too,” I said 
when I took the job. 

“No,” he said. “You're not.” 


Six o’clock, midnight in the Delta, and my 


staff is gone, coffee cups tipped over on their 
desks. Only Kyle remains, straightening out 
his little area by the copy machine. Checking 
my screens, I’m startled by the phone. Isaac. 
The connection is scratchy, but I can hear 
him whispering. 

“Today, sir,” he says. 

“Today, as in tomorrow for me?” 

“Yes. Tomorrow for you.” 

Like every other person with access to oil 
in Nigeria, Isaac is trying to get his share. 
Not by stealing oil directly but by letting 
MEND know where it should strike and 
when. I pull up a map. Bonga field is the 
largest in the Delta, pipelines running along 
the shore and up the creeks like veins. 

“North Bonga?” I say. North Bonga, we 
could be looking at a 250,000-barrel-a-day 
drop in output. 

“Tm not sure, sir.” 

“Southwest?” Southwest Bonga, maybe 
50,000 barrels. 

“Т cannot say.” 

Being intelligent, Isaac doesn’t trust 
white people. He knows when and where 
MEND will move tomorrow, but he’ll only 
supply the when. If word gets out he’s shar- 
ing information he could be in trouble with 
Shell or with MEND. Hard to say which 
would be worse. But I’ve told him 100 
times there’s no reward without risk. 

“Isaac,” I say. “You’re not being a friend 
here.” 

“T really must go, sir. My house is sleep- 
in " I listen for the sound of his girls in 
the background, but there’s nothing. 

“T have other friends, Isaac.” 

His breath mixes with static on the line. 
“I can only say, sir, that this will be very, 
very big. They are serious now. They have 
declared war now.” 

North Bonga it is. “Good, Isaac,” I say. 
"I'm proud of you." 

“Thank you, sir. You too, sir.” Last week I 
wired him $750. This week ГЇЇ send double. 

"Okay then, get some sleep." 

The ball game starts in an hour. North 
Bonga. If Га known earlier, I would have 
snatched up a thousand more contracts. Fear 
and speculation alone will pop oil over $80. 
But the ATS systems are closed now. I log in 
to my FOREX account, key in the order and 
stare at the screen, finger suspended over the 
ENTER key. But I can't do it. I’m not about to 
place a $75 million order on the open market 
where everyone can see it. I save the order, 
log off and lock up the office. Kyle strolls 
along the desks, making a big show of clean- 
ing up everyone's coffee cups. 

“You know we have a janitor," I tell him. 
“He gets paid to do that." 

“I know,” he says. "It's just that my advisor 
tells us extra effort is what leads to a job." 

"Have it your way," I say, stepping into the 
elevator. On the ride down I put my hands 
on the rail and stretch my legs, loosen up 
after a long day at the screens. 

Somewhere in Waterside speedboats are 
being fueled, rifles cleaned and loaded. Men 
are painting themselves with white chalk, 
winding amulets around their necks. Isaac tells 
me they believe it makes them bulletproof. 


The sun sinks behind the downtown sky- 
line, a warm orange glow through the glass 


Item 332 


Sheer silk chiffon shirt has solid silk 
cuffs, collar and button-down front. 
White, Lime, Black, Pink. 

S, M, L, XL. Shirt $39 Thong $15 


Order today! 


800-726-7035 


WWW. panties. com 


Playboy’s Privacy Notice 


We occasionally make 
portions of our customer 
list available to carefully 
screened companies that 
offer products or services 
we believe you may enjoy. If 
you do not want to receive 
these offers or information, 
please let us know by 
writing to us at: 


Playboy Enterprises International, Inc. 
c/o CDS 

PO. Box 2007 

Harlan, IA 51593-0222 

e-mail PLYcustserv@cdsfulfillment.com 
tel 800.999.4438 or 515.243.1200 


It generally requires eight to ten weeks 
for your request to become effective. 


129 


PLAYBOY 


130 


enclosure at Minute Maid Park. Dad and 
I sip beer, drop peanut shells at our feet. 
From our seats you can barely make out the 
number five, in honor of Bags, branded on 
all three bases. 

“When are they going to retract the 
roof?” he asks. Dad doesn’t think much of 
air-conditioned baseball. 

“After the seventh,” I say. 

Before the opening pitch the Jumbotron 
plays highlights from Bagwell’s career. Bags 
and his ridiculous stance, left arm hanging 
over the plate. His hand was broken three 
times by inside pitches and still he refused to 
change that stance. They show a clip of his 
400th career home run and Dad whistles as 
if he were watching it for the first time. Bags 
would have hit 600 if it weren't for his shoul- 
der. After the highlight reel Bagwell takes the 
field with his wife and two daughters. The 
crowd erupts, his little girls capping harder 
than anyone in the stadium. Nolan Ryan 
introduces them. Other teammates tell sto- 
ries. A teenage girl next to us cries, a kid not 
old enough to remember a time when Bag- 
well wasn’t on the Astros. Finally, Bags steps 
to the microphone. 

“This is an amazing day,” he says. “To have 
your number retired, I really can’t believe it.” 

“You’d think he would have prepared 
something better,” I say. 

“Quiet,” Dad says. “His actions speak for 
themselves.” 

After the ceremony and a standing ova- 
tion, the Astros take the field for the open- 
ing pitch. The crowd is on its feet the entire 


PPEKRING ON 


first inning, a flurry of inflatable bats and 
foam fingers cheering Houston to an early 
lead, but by the end of the third the Pirates 
are up by two runs and the fans are slumped 
in their seats, their energy spent during the 
pregame. Dad squints at the scoreboard, 
takes it all in silently. I can’t help but look at 
the Centaur luxury box. 

“Let’s go on over,” I say. “Bags is supposed 
to walk through for a meet and greet.” 

“No thanks,” Dad says, cracking a peanut. 

“Nolan Ryan too, probably. We can get 
a ball signed.” 

"I'm sure they don't want to be there any 
more than I do,” he says. 

“Fine,” I say, and for the first time in my life 
I want Dad's team to get their asses kicked. 
I want the day spoiled for him. He drives all 
the way over here like maybe it's time to start 
fresh, but then he sits back like I'm the one 
who's supposed to be doing the talking, like 
whatever froze up between us, it's my job to 
thaw out. I check my phone, 8:30. Crude is 
down to $77.60 on the FOREX. Fuck me. I 
finish my beer and get up from my seat. “ГІ 
be back in 20 minutes,” I say. 

“Say hello to Mr. Bagwell for me,” he says. 
He crushes a shell with the tip of his shoe. 

I hustle down the corridor, and the crowd 
cheers for a big hit. I find a quiet corner near 
the restrooms and dial the office, hoping to 
Christ that Kyle is there washing windows or 
whatever the fuck he does this late. 

“Centaur Global Energy, this is 

“Kyle,” I say, “grab a pencil.” 

“Yes, sir.” 


” 


5 | Sue Nê ON | STRIPS LVANIA | ; 


ETTI TTT s 


“Well, that was a big waste of money.” 


“Have Ernesto let you into my office. Log 
on to my terminal. Open the FOREX host— 
are you getting this?” 

“Yes, sir.” 

I walk him through the entire order. I 
tell him my password, tell him that if he 
utters one digit of that password to anyone, 
I'll skewer his nuts and hang them above 
the copy machine like mistletoe. 

“Now,” I say, before he hits ENTER, “I 
want you to read back to me what you see 
on the screen.” 

“Okay,” he says. The kid is nervous; you can 
hear it in his voice as he confirms the details. 
Reminds me of my first big order. “Are you 
sure you don’t want to come here yourself?” 

“I can't,” I say. “I’m with someone. Just 
make sure you've done everything Гуе told 
you, to the letter. If not, Kyle, I guarantee 
you'll be lucky to find a job dishing biscuits 
and gravy at the Whataburger, understand?” 

“Yes, sir.” 

“Okay. Now press ENTER.” 

“I did it.” 

“Good,” I say. “Now go home and forget 
about it. Take tomorrow off. Call someone 
up. Take her someplace nice. It’s on me. 
You deserve it.” 

When I return to our section it's the top of 
the seventh. They’ve retracted the roof. The 
skyline is bright against the dusk. I stand for 
a second in the breeze, scanning the rows for 
our seats. The Astros are down by a run and 
facing the top of the Pirates lineup. Between 
pitches, that nervous blend of cheering and 
chatter that only happens in close games. 
Dad sits with an empty beer cup in his hand, 
peanut shells scattered at his feet. He pulls off 
his cap, adjusts the bill, puts it on again. 

“I wondered if you were coming back,” 
he says. “I’m going to get out of here. Beat 
the rush.” 

“Are you kidding? It's a one-run game,” I 
say. “Let's grab some more beers. Talk.” 

“If you wanted to talk so bad you'd of sat 
here with me instead of heading over to 
meet your friends.” 

“That's not where I was,” I said. “We 
have a new kid at work. He was having 
some trouble.” 

“Well, P ve got work to do at home tomor- 
row,” he says, getting up. 

“Where you going?” 

“I saw what I came to see.” 

“Hold on a second.” 

I follow him up the steps and down the 
corridor, but he keeps walking, hands in his 
pockets, sliding his way through the crowd. 
He doesn’t stop until we're in the parking 
garage. He climbs into his truck, a Dodge 
Ram, the only thing he's ever let me buy for 
him and only because I had it delivered to 
his driveway. He didn't drive it for a year. 
Coming out to Ozona for Thanksgiving and 
Christmas, Га check the odometer. He'd put 
only 30 miles on it. Mom made him drive it 
here tonight, probably, because his old rig 
couldn't take the August heat. 

“It's hard on him,” Mom told me. “After 
30 years in those fields, certain attitudes are 
tough to shake. But he worries about you. 
He tells me so.” 

But I can't understand how he isn't proud 
of a son who's outdone every other kid from 
Ozona. A son who sometimes imagines buy- 
ing Pioneer Natural Resources, having every 


THIS PRODUCT 
MAY CAUSE GUM 
DISEASE AND 
TOOTH LOSS 


fre , moist and comes i in a protective 
Hint | d easy-packing 
bold 1 ark Milled. 


BU CAN HAVE Pe 


ڪڪ 
PLAYBOY‏ 


COVER TO COVER 


T PLAYBOY 
OS OUS 


есе 
SNDER THE cea 


30-DAY MONEY-BACK GUARANTEE 


WHICH DECADE IS YOUR FAVORITE? CHECK OUT EVERY PAGE OF EVERY PLAYBOY 
MAGAZINE FROM 1953 THROUGH 2009 ON FULLY SEARCHABLE DVD-ROMS 


For the first time, every single issue in one searchable digital archive! Don't miss your 
chance to own these collector’s-edition box sets—one for each decade. With every issue 
of Playboy ever published—all the stories and interviews and of course, every beautiful 
photo, in one complete collection. Each collector’s box set also comes with a 200-page 
coffee-table book edited by Playboy’s founder. Sign up now to be the first to get the Cover 
to Cover box sets for every decade. Includes the powerful Mac- and PC-compatible Bondi 
Reader, which allows you to search and view every page quickly and easily. 


(plus $8.95 shipping and handling). 
Save more than $50 off the list price of $100 on your first volume x Receive every issue 
published in the 19505 x Full-color coffee-table book x Reissue of first edition featuring 
Marilyn Monroe (a $25 value). 


Review the introductory collector’s box set for 30 days. If you're not satisfied, return the set with no further obligation. If you keep it, you'll 
receive a new Playboy Cover to Cover box set approximately every six months for $69.95 for each volume plus $8.95 shipping and handling per 
shipment. There's no minimum to buy. You may cancel future shipments at anytime by calling customer service. 


pump dismantled so that his dad could watch 
the sunset without a time card on his mind. 

“Why in hell would you drive home 
tonight?” 

“Cup of coffee and T'll make it just fine.” 

“It’s not about making it,” I say. “It’s 
about seeing where I live for once.” 

“Your mother's told me all about where 
you live.” 

“You've made your point, all right? Pm an 
asshole, everyone I work with is an asshole. 
But give it a rest for once. For one night.” 

He starts the engine. “Have it your way,” 
he says. 


I unlock my apartment door. Dad takes 
a look around. Hardwood floors. Gran- 
ite countertop. Plasma TV. Stainless-steel 
appliances. Part of 
me wants him to see 
all of it, to know what 
sort of life can be his 
if he wants it. Part of 
me wants to cover 
everything up. = 

“It all looks expen- 
sive,” he says, peer- 
ing out the picture 
window at the traf- 
fic below, streams of 
lights flowing in and 
out of the city. 

“I think I can afford 
it,” I say. 

“I didn’t say you 
couldn’t afford it,” he 
says. “I said it all looks 
expensive.” 

This from a man 
who never once in 
30 years rewarded 
himself for a job well 
done, whose idea ofa 
vacation is watching 
a football game in its 
entirety. He takes a 
place on the couch 
and removes his cap. 
Underneath on his 
forehead are the last 
places the sun hasn’t 
touched. I bring him 
a beer and we watch 
SportsCenter. The 
leather squeaks as 
he shifts in his seat. 
Houston shines through the windows, 
office lights checkering the buildings. 

“You could use a woman's touch in 
here,” he says. 

“No time for that.” 

“Some things you make time for.” 

We finish our beers, yawning. I bring him 
a towel and show him to the guest bedroom. 
In the living room, I take a seat on the couch, 
open my laptop, tune the TV to Bloomberg. 
I look around the apartment, eyelids heavy, 
head swimming in beer. In my father’s mind 
none of this is earned. A fortune made by 
playing with numbers on a screen. For my 
father oil is a black mess rising from the 
earth. But pulling West Texas sour from the 
desert is a dead man’s business. There’s a 
reason why it only fetches $50 a barrel. He 
hates that fact of capitalism. But I wish he 


Secaucus, NJ 07094 


& Bare-N 


www.playboy.com/nudes 


Order online at: playboystore.com 

Or send check or money order (do not send cash) to: 
Playboy Catalog c/o eFashion Solutions 

90 Enterprise Avenue South 


could see that my job just means that he did 
his job right. Isn’t that how it’s supposed to 
work in America? Your kids do better—that's 
the dream. Our family, we did it. 

I watch my screens, thinking of Isaac and 
his family in Waterside, what he'll do with the 
money I send. Jewelry for his wife, new clothes 
for the children. Savings for a trip to the Grand 
Canyon. I think about MEND skimming the 
surf in speedboats, hungry for what's theirs. 
The overnight trade flows in waves across my 
screen, orders racing past, millions of dollars 
a minute. A little before two o’clock the price 
spikes across the board, my 200,000 barrels 
instantly worth $80 a pop again. Bloomberg 
can’t explain it. Right now traders across the 
world are scrambling for their phones, trying 
to figure out what I knew yesterday. 

Usually a win this big would leave me sweat- 


Dazzling Discoveries 
aked Hotties 


ҮЗ UE 


We accept most major credit cards 


BUY THESE ISSUES AT NEWSSTANDS NOW 


ing, restless. But tonight I can barely keep my 
eyes open. I check on Dad. It's the first time 
anyone's used the guest room since Mom vis- 
ited months ago. Dad's on top of the covers 
in his clothes, boots set neatly at the edge of 
the bed. He's on his back, mouth open a little, 
and I listen carefully for his breathing to see 
if he's awake or sleeping. Leaving the door 
open, I hop on the exercise bike, turn up the 
volume on the television, hoping maybe he'll 
come out here, see the reality of this business. 
Outworking the sun. Digging for what the 
next guy doesn't know. Taking heads. I want 
him to see how I've fought to bring us here, 
to bring us a piece of the profits. 

Soon Bloomberg reports oil at $81.54 
and climbing on supply chain disruptions in 
the Niger Delta. Victory. This morning old 
Jake Riley will skip the pre-analytics meet- 


www.playboy.com/ff 


Checks should be made payable to: 
eFashion Solutions (U.S. dollars only) 


Sales Tax: NJ (non-apparel) add 7%, IL add 8% 


ing, his pussy way of flipping me the bird. 
Kyle will sleep in for once, wake up and 
tune into CNBC, start jotting notes on his 
little pad. Steve Finney will call, wondering 
how I knew to place an overnight order for 
1,000 contracts on the open FOREX. Ill 
tell him it was our intern's research. Even 
the blind squirrel finds a nut now and then. 
ГЇЇ offer the kid a job on our staff. 

I put coffee on, fix some hot cereal and 
spread my papers and notes out on the 
kitchen table. It's not even three А.м., but 
Dad will smell the grounds, pull himself out 
of bed and find his son eating the same old 
oatmeal for breakfast, still working. He'll see 
the discipline I learned from watching him. 

Bloomberg runs an update. Nigerian 
output cut by 17 percent. MEND. Live 
video. Something's not right. This is no 
friendly kidnapping. 
This is four explo- 
sions. Six oil work- 
ers hanging from 
the rafters of an off- 
shore rig. A message: 
LEAVE OUR COUNTRY 
OR DIE IN IT. I exam- 
ine the men on the 
screen. The images 
are grainy, bod- 
ies swinging in the 
wind, police waiting 
in the sun for orders. 
MEND wouldn't kill 
Isaac. They couldn't 
know that he was 
talking to me. They 
need him. He's their 
friend. But the video 
cuts out, and I real- 
ize I wouldn't know 
Isaac if I saw him. 

An analyst comes 
on screen, predict- 
ing $90 crude. He 
says $100 isn't out 
of the picture. The 
price keeps tick- 
ing up—$83.15... 
$83.34...$83.60. 
Nobody saw this com- 
ing. Steve Finney will 
call today. Not me 
but my bosses. He'll 
want an explanation 
for how Centaur's 
chief oil trader knew 
to grab a thousand contracts after hours. 
Homeland Security will be curious to know 
why I didn’t hedge that bet. 

A light comes on. Dad walks down the 
hallway holding his back. He squints at the 
clock, at me with my oatmeal. He pours a 
cup of coffee, sits at the table, looks over my 
shoulder at the laptop. I close the screen. 

“You don’t have to put that away,” he 
says. “Go ahead. Let’s see what you’ve got- 
ten yourself into.” 

I turn off the television. “Nothing, Dad,” I 
say, spoon trembling in my hand. “Just work.” 


©2009 Playboy 


Christopher Feliciano Arnold is currently a 
third-year fiction writer in the MFA program at 


Purdue University. 


131 


ROCK-AND-ROLL FANTASY 


JAYDE 
BRODYS GIRLFRIEND 


Cameron Crowe claims one of the women who inspired him when he 
created the Penny Lane character in Almost Famous was Miss Novem- 
ber 1974 Bebe Buell. Muse to legendary musicians 


ч: 


т 


ап artist іп 
her own rieht, 
Bebe has re- 
turned to the 
rock scene 
with a newly 
released sin- 
gle, “Air Kiss- 
es for the 
Masses.” It’s 
one of 12 
songs fea- 
tured on the 
forthcoming 
album Mus- 
esque, her first 
recording in 
10 years. She 
plans to tour 
Europe, Aus- 
tralia and Ja- 
pan before 
hitting the 
road here in 
the States. 


Bebe >р such as ib Pop, Elvis Costello and Steven Tyler, and 


FLASHBACH 


“ей 


THE HILLS RETURNS. 
WHO KNEW HOLLYWOOD WAS FULL OF DRAMA? 


PMOY 2008 Jayde Nicole and her friends, enemies and frenemies 
return for season five of The Hills on MTV. Jayde made an impres- 
sion on the reality show earlier in the season after a feud with Audrina 
Patridge over boyfriend Brody Jenner. “Just from what we’ve filmed so 
far, this season is going to be insane 
one of the best. Гуе learned always to stay conscious of the cameras, 
because it’s easy to forget they’re filming. But so many funny and crazy 
things happen on the show. You can’t make this stuff up.” 


," Jayde says, “I think maybe even 


Ten years ago this month 
Oregon State grad and 
former Miss Oregon Teen 
USA Jodi Ann Paterson 
became Miss October 
1999 —in an issue devoted 
to girls of the Pac-10 con- 
ference, appropriately. 
The response was so 
overwhelming that it led 
to her becoming PMOY 
in 2000. She was then 
cast in Zebrahead’s music 
video for “Playmate of 
the Year,” appeared in 
Dude, Where’s My Car? 
and commented for 
VH15s The Greatest: 100 
Hottest Hotties. In 2006 
she married CART driver 
Michael Andretti. 


Want to SEE MORE PLAYMATES—or more 
of these Playmates? Check out the Club at club 
.playboy.com, access the mobile-optimized playboy 
.com and find more news at playboy.com/pmblog. 


Boxers or briefs? Here's PMOY 2009 


The mayor of Ottawa tried to officially 
declare July 15 Shannon Tweed Day, 
but red tape thwarted the effort. 


Miss February 2003 Charis Boyle piloted 
a Freightliner in the Gumball 3000 Rally, 
a race from Santa Monica to Miami. 


DID VOU 
KNOW 


Ida Ljungqvist: "Briefs, actually. I 
want to see everything!" 


MY FAVORITE PLAYMATE 


“T love a guy who 
is athletic and 
has a lot of posi- 
tive energy,” says 
Miss February 
2008 Michelle 


Athena Lundberg 


McLaughlin. “The 
way he treats 
other people is 
a big reflection 
on how he would 
treat me. I like 
the old-fash- 
ioned type who 
opens doors for 
me and likes to 
hold my hand. 
Oh, and he has to 
like baseball.” 


IT’S A BIRD! IT'S A PLANE! IT’S JENNIFER! 


Miss March 2009 Jennifer Pershing is the face and body of Bryn Tilton in the 
new comic Daddy’s Little Girl by Rough Sketch Studios. “Jennifer is perfect for 
the part—beyond her beauty, she has intelligence, a good sense of humor and 
self-awareness that helps make Bryn more than just your typical hot babe who 
battles monsters,” says writer Mark 

Poulton. “It’s Buffy the Vampire 
Slayer meets CSI.” The story 
follows Bryn’s adventures jug- 
gling a normal life in Atlantic 
City with her secret gig: gate- 
keeper of a “morgue of monsters.” 


* Д MONACO IN KENYA 


General Hospital actress and Miss April 

1997 Kelly Monaco traveled to Kenya with 
fellow soap stars for the relief organization 
Feed the Children. A full-length documentary 
of their journey, which included a visit to local 
schools and delivering food to those in need, 
received airplay during the Daytime Entertain- 
ment Emmy Awards. The trip will (somehow) 
be worked into a plot on General Hospital. 


PMOY 2007 Sara Jean Underwood stars in Pop 
Evil's music video for “100 in a 55.” She plays 
lead singer Leigh Kakaty's sexy girlfriend. 


Miss March 2000 Nicole Marie Lenz 
plays Gloria in this past summer's big 
tearjerker My Sister's Keeper. 


DID YOU 
KNOW 


i v Ë Rem 
A 

HUGH! HEFNER’S 
¿PLAYBOY 


YOU 1 READ THE INSIDE STORY ОҒ А DREAM THAT CAME TRUE AND A TRUTH 

THAT ALTERED THE COURSE OF AMERICAN LIFE. HUGH HEFNER’S PLAYBOY IS A SIX- 

VOLUME, 3,506-PAGE MAGNUM OPUS EXQUISITELY BOUND AND COLLECTED INA 
BRILLIANT PLEXIGLAS CASE. mm 


` 
D = 


AOSAV"Id" сс 


==" Pa 


PRICE $1,300 


_ r ———————————————————— 

Follow Hugh Hefner’s legacy from his schooldays on the Northwest Side of Chicago to the salad days of Holmby 

Hills. Featuring hundreds of never-before-seen photos, personal artworks and drawings, this is the most 

comprehensive Playboy book ever assembled. Edited and with an intro by Hugh M. Hefner. Also included is 

a facsimile of the first issue. Available only in a limited signed edition of 1,500, this is the ultimate Playboy 

book. Published by Taschen. French, German and Spanish translations included. ISBN: 978-3-8228-2613-3. 
Contact playboystore.com to order your hardcover, in a box. 3,506 pages. 8.8" x 12.3". 


PLAYBOY FORUM 
THINK AGAIN 


AS WE UNDERSTAND HOW WE THINK, WE HAVE TO THINK ABOUT 
WHAT IT MEANS TO BE HUMAN 


very era has a conception of who we are. In classical 

times it was the doctrine of Political Man, which 

defined humans in terms of their place in the social 
order. In the Christian Middle Ages we had Religious 
Man, defined by his relationship with God. The Enlight- 
enment brought us Economic Man, who organized his 
life around the rational pursuit of self-interest. And 
then, according to the critic Philip Rieff, the 20th cen- 
tury brought us Psychological Man—Sigmund Freud's 
conception of a complex psyche balancing its instinctual 
origins with the demands of civilization. 

Rieff was wrong in designating psychoanalysis as the 
official theory of . — = 
the Psychologi- 
cal Human (as 
we might call it 
today). Few sci- 
entists believe 
that little boys 
have an uncon- 
scious desire to 
copulate with 
their mothers. 

But he was 

ahead of his time 

in noting that 

we increasingly 

understand our- 

selves in terms 

of the inner 

workings of our 

minds, their ori- 

gin in the natu- 

ral world and 

their interplay 

with culture 

and civilization. 

Advances in cog- 

nitive neuro- B 

science, evolutionary biology and genetics are being 
brought into psychology and are illuminating human 
nature in breathtaking ways. 

The result will be insights into spheres of life that may 
not have seemed psychological at all. Take the three 
spheres that defined our self-concept in earlier eras: 
politics, religion and economics. Political ideologies, 
we now know, are partly heritable—people are geneti- 
cally predisposed, in part, to left-wing or right-wing 
worldviews—and they embrace different conceptions 
of what counts as moral (fairness to individuals, for lib- 
erals, versus loyalty to a community, for conservatives). 
Religion emerges from a brain predisposed to see disem- 
bodied spirits everywhere and to ask “why” questions of 


everything in sight. Economic behavior—and, we now 
see, misbehavior—is shaped by cognitive illusions about 
risk, loss and probability. Also under the microscope are 
beauty, sexuality, reasoning, language, social relation- 
ships, violence and the other human obsessions. 

Our understanding of ourselves in terms of evolved 
neural software is bound to deliver huge bonuses. Our 
policies in education, economics and conflict resolu- 
tion, in particular, can only benefit from a more real- 
istic understanding of what makes people tick. How 
can we overcome children’s naive conceptions of life 
and matter and get them to understand the very 
different world 
described by sci- 
ence? How can 
risk be commu- 
nicated to inves- 
tors in a way 
that resonates 
with human 
intuition? Can 
diehard ene- 
mies be enticed 
into a peace 
agreement with 
rational incen- 
tives and sweet- 
eners, or must 
their moralistic 
passions and 
taboos be in- 
dulged as well? 

The new 
conception of 
humans’ place in 
nature will also 
deliver shocks 
to our sense of 
the ultimate 
purpose and value of life. The idea that every human is 
equipped with a soul that exercises free will, finds mean- 
ing from God and is rewarded or punished in an afterlife 
is hard to reconcile with the idea that the human mind 
is a product of evolution. It is also hard to reconcile with 
the idea that humans are infinitely malleable, and hence 
ultimately perfectible, by social engineering or political 
reform. None of this sentences humans to live a life with- 
out meaning or morality, but it does urge us to do some 
hard thinking about what they are. 


arco r у 


язь аға 


Steven Pinker is a professor of psychology at Harvard Uni- 
versity and author of seven books, including How the Mind 
Works and The Stuff of Thought. 


135 


136 


FORUM 


BIG BOOM THEORY 


DON’T LOOK NOW, BUT WE'RE LIVING IN A PERIOD 
OF EXTRAORDINARY CHANGE 


| the question: Will the 

world that comes next look 

more or less like the one we're 
used to, with modifications designed 
to, say, keep economic bubbles from 
inflating or mortgages from turning 
into weapons of mass destruction? Or 
will it be really different, an abrupt 
break with the decades we've known 
since World War II? 

The odds are always against rapid 
change—the world happens slowly— 
but in this case I think the odds are 
wrong. And the reasons have less to 
do with our flood of economic woes 


ielting glacier in Greenland: For the first time we're starting to run into limits imposed by climate change. 


than with deeper currents obscured 
by the flotsam tossing on the surface. 
Two things in particular will deter- 
mine the future: 

First, we’re starting to run out of 
the oil that has powered our economy 
for 150 years. When the Interna- 
tional Energy Agency announced last 
November that the rate of production 
in our major fields will be declining 
seven percent annually for the fore- 
seeable future, it was breathtaking. We 
are flesh-colored devices for consum- 


BY BILL MCKIBBEN 


ing fossil fuel, so we would need four 
more Saudi Arabias just to keep burn- 
ing oil at the same rate through 2030, 
never mind the growing demand from 


all those Indians and Chinese who 
would like to drive too. 


ud c DH 


Second, we're starting to run into the 
limits imposed by climate change, which 
is the single biggest thing humans have 
done. So far we've raised the tempera- 
ture of the planet about one degree. 
This has been enough to set the arc- 
tic melting, deserts spreading, oceans 
rising. The best guess for this century 
unless we act with incredible speed: 
another nine degrees Fahrenheit or 
so—in other words, a completely differ- 
ent physical world. We have never had 
to think much about the physical world; 


it was the background for the human 
drama. It will soon be the foreground, 
and much of the drama will be in our 
scrambling to limit the damage by shut- 
ting off the carbon that drives the pro- 
cess. We would need to shut down our 
coal-fired power plants by 2030 to have 
a decent chance, but they provide half 
of America's power, and China opens a 
new plant every few weeks. 

I think those forces—a kind of eco- 
logical debt far more troubling than 
the economic debt with which we're 
now grappling—will reshape the world 
in fundamental fashion. For instance, 


without cheap fossil fuel, the logic of 
endless globalization gets less obvious. 
On the East Coast each calorie of super- 
market lettuce we consume requires 
about 70 calories of fossil-fuel energy to 
grow and transport. That's not a ratio 
to boast about—forget the olive oil in 
the dressing; that salad, and indeed our 
whole national menu, has been mari- 
nating in crude oil. 

But with new economies come new 
attitudes. The local farmers market is 
the fastest-growing part of our food 


economy, which is great news for the 
environment, but it's also good news for 
the neighborhood: The average shopper 
at the farmers market has 10 times as 
many conversations as at the supermar- 
ket. The hyperindividualism that has 


marked postwar American culture, and 
left us remarkably unsatisfied, will start 
to break down in the face ofthe new real- 
ity. Right now our economy is calibrated 
to ensure you never need your neighbor 
for anything. This will change. 


FORUM 


In general the world will move 
toward the local. But given our current 
global trouble, we can't turn our back 
on international action. At 350.org, for 
instance, we’re coordinating a last-ditch 
global drive to push for a powerful new 


Farmers markets 
(left) are one way 
to reduce carbon 
dioxide, since less 
fuel is spent in 
transporting food. 
Long gas lines in 
India (right) will 
only increase in 
the coming years. 
Growing demand 
for energy will force 
us to address the 
ecological con- 
sequences of our 
fossil-fuel-based 
economies. 


treaty on carbon emissions later this 
year. Its essentially conservative; the sci- 
entists tell us that if we want to preserve 
a world anything like the one we’ve 
known, 350 parts per million of carbon 
dioxide is as much as we can have in the 


air. We’re already at 387, which is why 
the arctic is melting. Which is why we’re 
in an emergency. 

On the other side of emergencies, 
things look different. You may survive 
the heart attack, but you live differently 


from then on. This strange stretch 
we're living through isn't a cold—it's a 
stroke. It will have consequences. 


Bill McKibben is author of Deep Economy 
and co-founder of 350.org. 


As members of Congress debate cap-and-trade legislation to rein in greenhouse gas emissions, 
the magnitude of the problem seems lost on them. Here's what awaits us as temperatures rise. 


A global in- 
crease of up to 
three degrees 
Fahrenheit 


the region. 


еееееееееееее 


“ Higher ocean temperatures “bleach” coral, imperiling the survival of reefs 
and thus threatening marine biodiversity. 
“ Increased temperatures exacerbate droughts in the Great Plains, leading 
to possible dust bowl conditions in Nebraska, Oklahoma and other states in 


. 
еевеееевееееееевеееееевеевеерееееееееееееееееееееееееееееееееееееееееееееееееееееееееееееееееееееееееееееееее 


Ап increase 
of three to six 
degrees 


ееееегееееегеееее 


* Increased ocean acidity threatens plankton, the foundation of the marine food chain. 
* Europe faces regular heat waves similar to the one in 2003 that killed 30,000. 
* Storms temporarily flood the New York metropolitan area. 
* Melted snowpacks decrease the water supply in California by up to 75 percent. 
“ Drying Amazon basin accelerates problems. 


евеевеееееевеееееееееевееедееееееееевеевееееееееееееевееоеееееееееееееееееееееееовеоееееееееееееееееееееееееее 


Ап increase 
of six to піпе 
degrees 


.егееееееееееее 


“ Between 40 percent and 70 percent of all species һауе become extinct. 

“ Southern Europe, the Middle East and northern Africa are uninhabitable to humans. 
* London experiences summer highs of 105 degrees. 
* Permafrost in Siberia melts, releasing huge amounts of methane, a powerful 
greenhouse gas, which further speeds warming effects. 


еегеееееееееееесеееееееебееееееееееееееееееееееегеееееееееегееееееееееееееееееееееееееееееееееееееееееегееее 
. 


Ап increase : 
of more than : 
nine degrees : 


* Widespread desert conditions and coastal flooding limit human habitation to 
highland areas and poles. 
* With up to 90 percent of all species gone and most marine life dead, Earth 
faces the worst mass extinctions since those of the Permian-Triassic period 250 
million years ago. 


— Brian Cook 


FORUM 


READER RESPONSE 


DEATH TRAP 
I noticed that the Newsfront piece 
on capital punishment (“The Good 
With the Bad,” June) overlooks one 
major assumption when assessing the 
costs associated with various types of 


Does the death penalty cost too much? 


prosecution: crime deterrence and the 
resultant savings on investigation and 
prosecution. Many people claim the 
death penalty does not deter crime, 
pointing to states without it that have 
lower murder rates. But such people 
blindly assume all states are alike. They 
forget to track the murder rate with 
the execution rate over time. My home 
state of Florida had 700 to 800 mur- 
ders a year before the U.S. Supreme 
Court suspended the death penalty in 
1972. During the suspension the num- 
ber of murders gradually increased 
to more than 1,000 a year. After the 
death penalty was reinstated, in 1976, 
that number dropped back to its cur- 
rent 700 to 800 murders a year. The 
state could have prevented hundreds 
of murders, not only saving lives but 
saving hundreds of millions of dollars. 
The writer is trying to put a price tag 
on justice. Economics should not be an 
issue when deciding the death penalty. 
I support it not because it saves money 
but because I believe it is the only pun- 
ishment that suits kidnappers, rapists 
and murderers. If any state abolishes 
the death penalty, it should be because 
the people of that state feel it is mor- 
ally wrong—not because they feel its 
price tag is too high. 

Sean Gravel 

Pensacola, Florida 


DESERT STORM 
The responses to the article about 
Joe Arpaio (“Start Making Sense,” 
March) seem as though they were 
written by members of his family. 
As a former Arizona resident, I can 


tell you that Arpaio is not the savior 
many people think he is. He has made 
the state a living hell for those of us 
who aren’t lucky enough to earn six- 
figure incomes. Arpaio has created 
an environment in which my Puerto 
Rican husband—a legal resident with 
a college degree—can’t even drive 
through town without being pulled 
over, cuffed, searched and eventually 
released with a warning instead of an 
apology. Everyone I know has been 
in Arpaio's jail at some point, most of 
them for ridiculous charges that were 
later dropped. Whether they are citi- 
zens or illegal residents, Arpaio sees 
them as all the same. The rich snow- 
birds love him, but average desert rats 
born in Arizona hate him. He is in fact 
the reason we left the state. 

Carol B. 

Henderson, North Carolina 


The problem with the debate about 
illegal immigration is that it shouldn't 
be a debate. I have yet to hear a single 
argument to justify protecting these 
criminals. If their countries are so 
bad, they should stay and fix them in- 
stead of running away. They want to 
skip the work and still have a better 
life. When our ancestors were being 
treated unfairly, they worked to cre- 
ate a new system and make their new 
home a better place. 

Jason Mohn 
Boyertown, Pennsylvania 


You guys are missing the big pic- 
ture on illegal immigration. The rea- 
son no one will do anything about it 


Joe Arpaio chased one reader out of Arizona. 


is because illegal immigration is good 
business. School boards can com- 
plain and get bigger budgets if they 
have more kids in the classrooms. 
Same with the police department. If 


you ran illegal aliens out of the coun- 
try, soon you wouldn't need nearly as 
many jails, courtrooms, liberal judges, 
court reporters or patrol cars. Smaller 
budgets would mean layoffs, and the 
last thing government employees 
want is for the government to become 
smaller and more efficient. No, the 
police love Mexicans because they 
are simple, easy to catch and make 
the police look as though they are 
doing something. Then you have the 
politicians, both Democrats and Re- 
publicans, tripping over themselves 


Immigrants aren't at fault. 


to pander to this new bloc of voters. 
Only in America do you need identi- 
fication to rent a video and none at 
all to vote. The only way you will fix 
the illegal-immigration problem is to 
take the profit out of it. 

Dean Potts 

Claremont, California 


I’m surprised by the letters on the 
immigration debate. Once again some 
Americans are putting the blame on the 
wrong people. Aside from the fact that 
very few of these immigrants are taking 
jobs Americans want and most are pay- 
ing taxes from which they cannot de- 
rive future benefit, my main question is 
why these readers aren’t holding their 
state representatives accountable for 
blocking attempts at minimum-wage 
reform for low-skilled workers. The 
common myth these politicians perpet- 
uate is that raising the minimum wage 
will hurt small businesses. The reality is 
the politicians are terrified of offending 
corporate donors who gain from pay- 
ing wages so low that they are attractive 
only to immigrant labor. 

Robert Dee 
Los Angeles, California 


E-mail via the web at letters.playboy.com. 
Or write: 680 North Lake Shore Drive, 
Chicago, Illinois 60611. 


FORUM 


NEWSFRONT 


Unhappy Ending 


BEIJING—Chinese authorities 
are busy censoring informa- 
tion on sex and sexuality on 
several fronts. Early this sum- 
mer they ordered the demoli- 
tion of a partially complete 
sex-themed amusement park 
(pictured) set to open in Oc- 
tober. Love Land, as the park 
was to be called, planned to 
display nude sculptures, repli- 
cas of genitalia and a pictorial 
history of sex. Lu Xiaoging, 
the park’s manager, explained, 
“Sex is a taboo subject in 
China, but people really need 
to have more access to in- 
formation about it. We are 
building the park for the good 
of the public.” The govern- 
ment disagreed, according 
to the state-run China Daily, 
claiming the park was “vul- 
gar, ill-minded and mislead- 
ing.” Meanwhile, as part of a 
crackdown on pornography, 
the government is also forcing 
medical and research web- 
sites to block sexual material 
from view by the general pub- 
lic. Such sites had been one of 
the few sources of information 
on sexuality and STDs. 


Piece Be With You 


LOUISVILLE—The New Bethel Church spon- 
sored an “open carry” service this sum- 
mer, inviting congregants to bring their 
guns, enter a raffle for a free handgun and 
listen to presen- 
tations by shoot- 
ing ranges and 
gun shops. Pas- 
tor Ken Pagano 
said he was “try- 
ing to think a little 
outside the box.” 
Some others were 
not impressed. 
Jerry Cappel of 
the Kentuckiana 
Interfaith Com- 
munity, a coalition of regional churches, 
said, “Even if | were perfectly comfort- 
able with open-carry handguns or gun 
rights, it seems to me a completely 
whole other thing to connect those rights 
to Jesus Christ, who explicitly called us 
to put down the sword and pick up the 
cross and love our enemies.” 


Pluck of the Irish 


DUBLIN—Ireland drew up the legal frame- 
work for granting key marital rights to 
same-sex couples as part of nationally 
recognized civil unions. Although the Civil 
Partnership Bill of 2009 
falls short of extending mar- 
riage equality, it does grant 
tax, inheritance and pension 
rights. “Now the onus is on 
those who, for religious or 
other reasons, still believe it 
is acceptable to discriminate 
against people on the basis 
of their sexual orientation to 
explain why their prejudice 
should be reflected in the 
law,” says Mark Kelly of the 
Irish Council for Civil Liberties. 


Lawyers in Love 


ST. Louls—Social networking sites such as 
Facebook and MySpace have become trea- 
sure troves for divorce lawyers looking for 
an advantage in disputes over money and 
child custody. “It’s now routine for us to 


go over with clients whether they have an 
active presence on the web,” says Joseph 
Cordell of Cordell & Cordell. “We had a 
custody case in which a mom assured the 
court she hadn’t been drinking, but her 
MySpace page had actual dated photos 
of her drinking.” Lawyers also scour Twit- 
ter posts from the girlfriends of husbands 
involved in divorce cases, looking for refer- 
ences to gifts from the soon-to-be-divorced 
men. Consider yourself warned. 


Double Standard 


SAN FRANCISCO—With Iranian political 
protesters using technology to evade 
state media blackouts and China trying 
to force computer makers to preinstall 
censorship-enabling programs on units 
sold there, the subject of freedom and 
technology is relevant. Ironically, the 
situation here at home is largely ignored. 
When Hottest Girls tried to add topless 
photos to its iPhone app, Apple reiterated 
its policy on restricting material accessible 
via its phones—not only for adult content 
but also for divisive political content. 


139 


GRAPE VINE 


DEANO/SPLASH NEWS 


Ah, Sookie Sookie Now 

ANNA PAQUIN made fanboys’ hearts flutter when she won the role of 
ultra-unattainable Rogue—a girl who kills with her touch—in the X-Men 
films. Now, as Sookie Stackhouse in True Blood, she is free to touch and 
be touched and is ripe to be bitten. Sookie also has telepathic powers. 
We think Anna channeled our thoughts when she filmed this scene. 


PMOY 
2011? 


This is ERIN 
JANSEN, whom 
FHM Australia 
voted the sexiest 
“girl next door.” 
But Erin has 

her beautiful 
eyes ona 

bigger prize: 
“Playmate of the 
Year—fingers 
crossed,” she 
says. Well, first 
things first, Erin, 
and Grapevine is 
a good start. 


Carmen Electra 


Electrifies 
When CARMEN 
ELECTRA joined 
Crazy Horse Paris 
in Las Vegas, 

the show's rep 
told us, "She's 
not going top- 
less." What's 

the opposite 

of getting 

your money 
back? 


The Queen 


of Hearts 


TINA 
WALLMAN, a 
spokesmodel 

for an online 
poker site 
never thought 
she would be- 
come a model: 
"I wanted to 
be a travel 
consultant or a 
photographer. 
Modeling 
combines both 
those childhood 
interests.” Poker * 
and Tina are a 
couple of our 
adult interests. 


MICHAEL PLUMRIDGE FOR HARLEM.COM. AU 


Solid Gold 


Dancers 

KANYE WEST and some gold 
diggers bring the Midas touch 
to a Hyde Park (U.K.) concert. 
“I like the idea of nudity be- 
cause I realize it's society that 
told usto wear clothes ata cer- 
tain point.” Ahh, well, umm... 
whatever you say, Kanye. 


NICK SADLER/STARTRAKSPHOTO.COM 


America's 


їмапул г T3VHOIW 


Next Topless 
Model 


On America's Next 

Top Model LONDON 
LEVI told Tyra Banks 
she spent her week- 
ends walking around 
advocating the Gospel 
to whoever would listen. 
Alas, London didn't win. 
We hate to be preach- 
ing to the Tyra, but 

she made a mistake 
eliminating this doll. 


OKAY, MS. PUSCAU, NOW LET'S TRY SOME WITHOUT THE SUIT. 


ALINA PUSCAU—H0W DO YOU GET ONE OF THE WORLD'S TOP 
SUPERMODELS TO POSE NUDE FOR PLAYBOY? EASY—HIRE HER 
BOYFRIEND, BRETT RATNER, TO DO THE SHOOT. 


STEPHEN KING—IN THE TRADITION OF COLERIDGE AND KIPLING, 
THE HORROR MASTER OF MAINE OFFERS UP THE BONE CHURCH, A 
NARRATIVE POEM FILLED WITH MADNESS AND MAYHEM. 


BENICIO DEL TORO—WE SENT STEPHEN REBELLO TO SPEAK 
TO THE MERCURIAL ACTOR. HOW DOES HE FEEL ABOUT BE- 
ING RACIALLY PROFILED? DOES HE GET TURNED ON BY SEXY 
CO-STARS? IT'S ALL IN NOVEMBER'S PLAYBOY INTERVIEW. 


THE HILLIKER CURSE PART IV—IN THE FINAL INSTALLMENT 
OF HIS SERIALIZED MEMOIR, JAMES ELLROY TRIES TO PICK 
UP THE PIECES AFTER A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN AND A FAILED 
MARRIAGE. IN THE ASHES OF HIS LIFE, THE MASTER OF MODERN 
NOIR FINDS SOME ANSWERS. 


TRACY MORGAN—IN 200 ERIC SPITZNAGEL TALKS TO THE 30 
ROCK STAR ABOUT HUMOR AS A SURVIVAL SKILL IN THE SLUMS OF 
BROOKLYN—AS WELL AS THE JOYS OF UNREPENTANT BUTT SEX. 


THE CASE OF THE THINKING ORGASM—ONE OF THE WORLD'S 
FOREMOST ORGASM RESEARCHERS MEETS THE FEMALE 
SPECIMEN OF A LIFETIME. 


THE MAN, THE MYTH, THE BULL. 


WHO'S ADORABLE? TRACY MORGAN IS ADORABLE. 


NEXT MONTH 


PIT. 


FARRAH: WE'RE STILL HOPELESSLY IN LOVE. 


FARRAH FAWCETT: A LOOK BACK—ON THE OCCASION OF HER 
PASSING, PLAYBOY'S EDITORS AND PHOTOGRAPHERS OFFER 
THEIR RECOLLECTIONS OF WORKING WITH THIS FEARLESS 
AND EARTH-SHATTERINGLY SEXY ICON. 


PLAYING FOR KEEPS—VIDEO GAMES ARE FUN, BUT WITH HUGE 
TECHNICAL CHALLENGES, A FICKLE PUBLIC AND BIG MONEY ON 
THE LINE, MAKING ONE IS NO JOKE. AN INSIDE LOOK AT THE 
CREATION OF ONE OF THE FALL'S BIGGEST RELEASES. 


FASHION: THE AFFAIR—WHAT HAPPENS WHEN A MAN MEETS 
HIS KINKY PARAMOUR IN A HOTEL ROOM FOR AN AFTERNOON 
OF ILLICIT FUN AND STYLISH CLOTHES (BOTH ON AND OFF)? 
OUR TITILLATING NOVEMBER FASHION PAGES. 


POOR LITTLE RICH GIRL—BRIDGET JONES'S DIARY MEETS THE 
WIRE IN FRANK OWEN'S INVESTIGATION OF THE DEATH OF A HOT 
WEALTHY BLONDE WHO BECAME A COCAINE KINGPIN. 


DR. DREW PINSKY—THE AUTHOR AND LOVELINE HOST EX- 
PLAINS HOW HE FOUND SUCCESS TURNING A MAJOR PERSONAL 
LIABILITY (CO-DEPENDENCY) INTO A CAREER ASSET (EMPATHY). 


PLUS—CIGAR MAVEN AARON SIGMOND, A VISIT FROM THE 
HOTTEST MAMA ON TV, PLAYMATE KELLEY THOMPSON, A SEX 
COLUMN FROM THE DELICIOUS SUZY MCCOPPIN AND MORE. 


йй — 


Playboy (ISSN 0032-1478), October 2009, volume 56, number 9. Published monthly except a combined July/August issue by Playboy in national and re- 
gional editions, Playboy, 680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611. Periodicals postage paid at Chicago, Illinois and at additional mailing offices. 
Canada Post Canadian Publications Mail Sales Product Agreement No. 40035534. Subscriptions: in the U.S., $29.97 for a year. Postmaster: Send address change 


142 to Playboy, PO. Box 2007, Harlan, Iowa 51537-4007. For subscription-related questions, call 800-999-4438, or e-mail plycustserv@cdsfulfillment.com. 


DIAMOND EMBRACE ina 
k 4 


Hand-set with 
GENUINE Diamonds 


Hand-crafted in Solid 
Sterling Silver with 24K 
Gold-plated Accents 


Ы 
| 


FREE 


Personalization! 
Arrives in a custom 


presentation case 


Engraved with Your Names 


Aisle |ы ы” ЕЕ ш; < 
> ` ^ ` 
д ; in rk ^ [ е & Mic had 
i EN Q^ CN Er. ` i Гер ( - 
' 98 : 4 1 ' ' 
' 1! ' ' ° ; ' TF 
A xL .--. ` Д , 
X O (у 
e on. 2 ` = > DÍ d 
225, Хх 12-27. >, : 
2 7-.-.-. ae d per ^. TEN e^ 
; wide Se Git AS 42 
' ' ` Ye ` А ë | 
А ' i ' ! Pa | 
2 
` ` , А Н ' М t 
` ` , ` ` £ , 
X 8 Mad 7 A. Хх 


RESERVATION APPLICATION SEND NO MONEY NOW 


To find your ring size. place one of your 
rings on the guide, matching a circle 


with the inside of your ring. Whole & 

half sizes 5-12 are available. If your 

ring size falls between two circles 
order the half size in between 


т аР 
BR. ADFORD EXC HANGE 


ЛА: 


О.Вох 806 · Morton Grove, IL 60 


YES. Please reserve the “Diamond Embrace Ring,” as described іп 
this announcement, engraved with the 2 names indicated below 


Ring Size 


0806 


Over, please 


Supplement to 
Playboy Magazine 


Shown actual size 


Signature 
www.bradfordexchange.com/embrace 


2009 The Bradtord Exchange 
O106S8104001-JIP 


order acceptance 


м. 


Odds of a child being diagnosed with autism: ı in 150 


Y WA ©. 


Some signs to look for: 


No big smiles 


or other joyful 
expressions by 6 months 


No babbling by 
12 months 


To learn more of the signs of autism, visit autismspeaks.org 


er 


No words by 
16 months 


AUTISM SPEAKS" 


It's time to listen. 


Your Engraved Names Together Forever 


The two of you have a connection that's 
like no other... your hopes... and your 
hearts joined together in a beautiful 
embrace! Now you can express that 
everlasting love with a sparkling 
new jewelry creation—the Diamond 
Embrace Ring. 


BUSINESS REPLY MAIL 


Sparkling with diamonds... 
Gleaming with silver and gold 
Hand-crafted in sterling silver, this 
stunning ring features two shining 
bands, one shimmering in silver, one 
plated in gleaming 24K gold. Twin 
fer “ribbons” embrace the double 


NO POSTAGE 
NECESSARY 
IF MAILED 
IN THE 
UNITED STATES 


POSTAGE WILL BE PAID BY ADDRESSEE 


THE BRADFORD EXCHANGE 
PO BOX 806 
MORTON GROVE IL 60053-9956 


bands—each опе glittering with 
2 genuine diamonds. And the final 
touch—your names finely engraved on 
the inside! 


Exquisite craftsmanship ... 
Exceptional value 

Your ring arrives, along with a Certificate 
of Authenticity, in a presentation 
¦ case that is perfect for gift-giving 
¦ .. and it's remarkably priced at 
| just $99*, payable in 4 convenient 
¦ installments of $24.75 and backed 
¦ by our 120-day guarantee. То 
¦ reserve yours, send no money now; 
¦ just fill out and mail the Reservation 
¦ Application today! Don't forget to 
¦ indicate your ring size and the two 
¦ names you would like engraved. 


Lach end 


| mec in solid sterling silver with 
24K gold-plated accents 


und. 


DIAOGAV Td MMM 


"HLNOW 3344 т пов 326 awoJ 


434514 әл) 104 124240] way} 
y pue SO3PIA say) Роојимор 
} ПОД quem SPU911J]118 Jay) 
pue 59404 рәуои asau| 


[^ 
ituo3'oəplAñoqñp]q и! 
3354 НІМОИ I 104 soapın 
Әрпи Axas umo Pue Реојимос 


` 


ри AO8AV1d 


GIVE IHE GIFT 
OF LITERACY. 


Enjoy incredible nude foo 
sexiest models on 
wherever and wheney 


tage featuring our hottest 
home Computer or 
er you want to watch them! 


your 
laptop, 


* Two ways to watch Playboy DVDs! + Download and own entire titles! 
* Stream only the scenes you want to watch! 


Я 


Visit the URL below to get 1 FREE MONTH іп PlayboyVideo.com, 
including free bonus access to the hotter site, SpiceVideo.com! 


j ] TH 
Volunteer in your community. WWWPLAYBOY.COM/FREEMON 


A PU B LI C S E RV | E E A N N O U N CE M E NT Offer good through June 30, 2010. If you cannot access this web page. please contact 
customerservice@playboy.com for assistance. Front: Amy Miller and Roxanne Galla Back: Kelly Monaco 


© 2009 Playboy.com, Inc. PLAYBOY, PLAYBOY VIDEO, and RABBIT HEAD DESIGN are trademarks of PLAYBOY. » 


PBVID ONSERT 1009 SUBS 


SUPPLEMENT TO PLAYBOY MAGAZINE 


© axe 
SKIN CONTACT 
SENSITIVE 
SHOWER GEL 


THE MOMENT 
OF TRUTH. 
THEY TOUCH. 


е” 2 


| | MAKE YOUR SKIN 
IRRESISTIBLE TO TOUCH 


ants L нү! 
un 
| 1 


02009 Unilever 


ls Compa 


сий 


702000 The Ране 
3 


SHE UNDERSTANDS SHE SHARES 
YOUR LOVE YOUR LOVE 


OF FOOTBALL OF FOOTBALL 


SOME PERFECTION IS DEBATABLE. 


SOME IS NOT. 
Made by hand from 100% blue agave. 
The worlds #1 ultra-premium tequila. 


SIMPLY PERFECT. 


M Coo En аиса 40% 


қы ORR: |, |! 


"ОДООГ ар...