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t happens every spring. April brings show- 

ers, which makes us think of that popul; 

1952 dance number "Singin' in the Rain, 
which quickly becomes an earworm (google 
it), which leads us to beg F 
for relief in the form of new music and future 
classics we can sample to extract it. Our res- 
ident music critic delivers in Playboy's 2011 
Music Guide with a festival of “weird, exciting 
and/or unexpected” artists, including rap- 
per Jay Electronica, African music legend 
Fela Kuti, country singer Jamey Johnson, 
the metal band Suuns and the female trio 
Girl in a Coma. We're feeling much better, 
Just as LPs (again, google it) spin around 
turntables, asteroids orbit the Earth. In The 
Great Galactic Gold Rush, г 
examines what could happen if we manage 
to mine gold, platinum and other precious 
metals from huge pieces of rock traveling 
at astronomical speeds—and what such an 
influx of wealth would do to our economy. 
In The Passenger, a businesswoman takes 
a shorter trip with longer conse- 
quences. Her dilemma: betray her 
marriage or betray a missing girl 
she may or may not have seen on 
a mene It's а mesmerizing tale 
by Je 5, whose debut 
novel, A Partial History of Lost 
Causes, will be published by Ran- 
dom House next year. You probably 
recognize T j from 
her role as Eminem! 's ex in the film 
8 Mile or, more recently, as the wild 
sister of detective Steve McGarrett 
on Hawaii Five-O. But she's also ШАШ 
a singer and guitar player who 
scored a number one club hit and has a new 
CD coming soon. The gorgeous photos are by 
She You'll be equally impressed 
with the work of who shot Robin 
Thicke, Chromeo, Cee Lo Green, Bryan Ferry, 
Deadmaus апа В. Kelly for our annual Rock 
the Rabbit fashion feature. с 
the singer, songwriter and author (his 
new memoir is Chinaberry Sidewalks), offers 
in Possum a lyrical profile of the original 
country-music outlaw, George Jones. Like 
rebels? You'll be fired up by our Playboy 
Interview with former White House corre: 
spondent homas. She talks about 
Israel. She talks about the Palestinians. 
And she talks about how those two subjects 
mixed got her fired, But she offers no apolo- 
gies. Nor does Jost „a star of How 
I Met Your Mother and writer and director of 
the new film Hapoythankyoumoreplease. In 
200 the Ohio native discusses pushy group- 
ies, his fan letters to other celebrities and 
why he's no laugh riot. No one is laughing 
about the riots in France, Egypt and the U.K, 
but as Will reports from London, the 
demonstrations there border on farce. His 
piece is titled Dancing in the Streets, which 
is also the name of a rather catchy song. 


Steven Kotler 


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THE 
GLENLIVET. 
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THE OPENING CHAPTER, 


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VOL. 58, NO. 4-APRIL 2011 


PLAYBOY’S 2011 MUSIC 
GUIDE 
Here are 15 legitimate reasons you should 
be excited about music right now. By 


VINTAGE THUNDER 
Classic-car expert KEN Gi shares six 
mid-century sport rides worth investing in. 

DANCING IN THE STREETS 

1 throws himself into the midst 
of a London street riot and contemplates 
the appeal of political demonstrations. 

POSSUM 
Singer-songwriter JEY 
offers an intimate profile of golden- 
voiced, hard-partying country music 
legend George Jones. 


There's gold in them there skies, Those aren't just rocks orbiting the sun—they're an 
untapped source of valuable resources that will make some intrepid entrepreneurs 
rich. STE explores the soon-to-be-booming business of asteroid mining. 


HELEN THOMAS 
Her comments about Jews and Israel 
ended her otherwise lauded career. Now 


9 + the candid journalist speaks out in her 
8 own defense to 

5 TARYN 

3 JOSH RADNOR 

¿ ITUP 80 JOSH RADNOR, 


about his decision to give up drinking, 
his writing-directing debut and why it 
sucks to live next to a reality-TV star. 


THE PASSENGER 
A woman faces an excruciating moral 
dilemma when she realizes she must 
choose between confessing to an affair 
and providing information to police. By 


“% 


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She often takes on dark roles—a troubled woman 
on the run on Sons of Anarchy, a reckless free 
spirit on Hawaii Five-O—but in real life Taryn 
Manning just wants to have fun. The actress and 
singer showed off her playful side for photogra- 
pher Sheryl Nields, while our Rabbit discovers 
there is such a thing as a silver lining. 7 


Release; StoreMags & Fantadilag 


UDL. 58, ND. 4-APRIL 2011 


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JACLYN SWEDBERG 


TARYN IT UP 
Taryn Manning is known for her serious 
roles, but the Hawaii Five-O actress is 
a playful girl at heart. She kicks off her E 
clothes to reveal her fun side. 
PLAYMATE: JACLYN 
SWEDBERG 
Miss April is a fearless beauty whose 
daredevil exploits in the buff have been 
filmed for Playboy TV's Badass, 
PLAYBOY’S SEXIEST 
CELEBRITIES 
They're foxy and famous: From Beyoncé 
to Scarlett Johansson, we share our 
picks of the hottest stars in the land. 


THE DISEASE-OF-THE- 

MONTH CLUB 
lists uncommon cures 

for a common ailment and asks which 
came first—the drug or the disorder? 

THE ART OF DATING A 
REALITY REJECT 
Reality TV has created a new breed of $ 
celebrity. helos you 
decide which reality girl is right for you. EE 


ПТНЕ WORLD OF PLAYBOY 

Hef proposes to girlfriend Crystal Harris, and his 
sons are on hand for the special occasion; the 
happy couple appears on Entertainment Tonight. 

HANGIN’ WITH HEF 
Crystal Harris hosts Gingerbread House Night 
for Playmates and friends; Hef rings in the New 
Year with family, celebs and a bevy of Bunnies. 

PLAYMATE NEWS 
Miss November 1996 Ulrika Ericsson guests on 
Bass 2 Billfish; Playmates play poker for charity; 
the famous calendar photo of Miss August 1967 

DeDe Lind sells for $21,000. 


PLAYBILL 
FASHION DEAR PLAYBOY 
AFTER HOURS 
OCK THE REVIEWS 
RABBIT ТАУ? 


PLAYBOY ADVISOR 
PARTY JOKES 
GRAPEVINE 
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Mick Rock photographs the bold styl- 
ings of Robin Thicke, Bryan Ferry, Cee 
Lo Green, R. Kelly and other music 
legends. By 


CLOSING THE DEAL 
What can President Obama learn 
from FDR? By 

PRIVACY 2. о 


offers a crash 
course in disappearing. 


PLAYBOY.COM 


HE RABBIT Watch videos from 
our Xn star fashion shoots with Cee 
Lo Green, Bryan Ferry, Chromeo, Robin 
Thicke and more. 

PLA 3 ALL-NEW LINEUP Catch 
free previews of such hat shows as Badass, 
Playboy's Beach House and Swing. 

Y CKET We pit 64 
Centerfolds against one another in aur 
ultimate babe bracket. Find out who 
comes out on top. 

THE SMO T Bored? Visit 
thesmokingjacket.com to enjoy safe-for- 
work girls and daily internet hilarity. 


PLAYBOY ON PLAYBOY ON 
FACEBOOK TWITTER 


L Keep up with all things 
Playboy at facebook.com/playboy and 
twitter.com/playboy. 


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52011 Unilever 


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PLAYBOY 


10 


KOSKY TA? «^ 


ЖОНАУТ2? «c 


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From his early days in Chicago to 
his party days at the Playboy Man- 
sion, Hugh Hefner's life has been 
the stuff of legend. This illustrat- 
d autobiography surveys Hef's 
amazing journey. In six hard-cov- 
er volumes housed in a Plexiglas 
case, Hugh Hefner's Playboy is the 
definitive collectible surve 
Ат includes 
a facsimile of the first issue of 
Playboy and an original piece of 
Hef's silk pajamas. 
limited to 1,500 signed and num- 
bered sets, 3,506 pages. 


GO TO PLAYBOYSTORE.COM 
TO ORDER 


*LIMITED EDITION OF 1,500* 
$1,300 


HUGH M. HEFNER 
chief 


editor-in 


JIMMY JELLINEK 
editorial director 
STEPHEN RANDALL deputy editor 
ROB WILSON art director 
LEOPOLD FROEHLICH managing editor 


MATT DOYLE photography director 
A.J. BAIME executive editor 
AMY GRACE LOYD executive literary editor 
PATTY BEAUDET-FRANCES deputy photography director 
STEVE GARBARINO editor at large 


EDITORIAL 
IM мо CORMICK editorial manager FEATURES: citt ROWE senior editor 


JENNIFER RYAN JONES editor STAFF: JOSH SCHOLLMEYER senior editor; 


'ASHION 
ARANYA TOMSETH assistant editor; CHERIE BRADLEY executive assistant; GILBERT MACIAS senior editorial 


assistant CARTOONS: AMANDA WARREN associate cartoon editor COPY: WINIFRED ORMOND сору chief: 
BRADLEY LINCOLN, SANHTTA SINHAROY copy editors RESEARCH: BRIAN COOK, LING MA, 

N.I. OSTROWSKI research editors CONTRIBUTING EDITORS: BRANTLEY BARDIN, MARK BOAL, CARY COLE, 
ROBERT B. DESALVO, GRETCHEN EDGREN, KEN GROSS, DAVID HOCHMAN, ARTHUR KRETCHMER (automotive), 
LISA LAMPANELLI (special correspondent), CHRISTIAN PARENTI, JAMES R, PETERSEN, ROCKY RAKOVIC 
STEPHEN REBELLO, DAVID RENSIN, WILL SELF, DAVID SHEFF, DAVID STEVENS, ROB TANNENBAUM, ALICE К. TURNER 


NICK TOSCHES writer at large 


ART 
SCOTT ANDERSON, BRUCE HANSEN Senior art directors; Соу TILSON associate art director; 
смзтилетзсному digital designer; MATT STEIGBIGEL photo researcher; 

PAUL CHAN senior art assistant; STEFANI COLE senior art administrator 


PHOTOGRAPHY 
STEPHANIE MORRIS west coast editor; KRYSTLE JOHNSON associate editor; BARBARA LEIGH assistant editor; 


TAG, STEPHEN WAYDA senior contributing photographers; JAMES IMBROGNO, 


ARNY FRE 
HARD 1201, ZACHARY JAMES JOHNSTON, MIZUNO, BYRON NEWMAN, GEN NISHINO, JARMO POHJANIEMI, 


DAVID RAMS contributing photographers; BONNIE JEAN KENNY manager, photo archives, 


KEVIN CRAIG manager, imaging lab; MARIA HAGEN stylist 


PUBLIC RELATIONS 
THERESA M. HENNESSEY vice president; TERI THOMERSON director 


PRODUCTION 
> production director; DEBBIE TILLOU 


JODY J. JURGET associate manager; 


BILL BENWAY, RICH CRUBAUGH, SIMMIE WILLIAMS prepress 


ADMINISTRATIV 
MARCIA TERRONES rights & permissions director 


INTERNATIONAL PUBLISHING 
DAVID WALKER editorial director; MARKUS GRINDEL marketing manager 


PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES INTERNATIONAL, INC. 
SCOTT FLANDERS chief executive officer 


ADVERTISING AND MARKETING: AMERICAN MEDIA ING. 
KEVIN HYSON chief marketing officer; 
EN BIANQULLI 


DAVID PECKER chairman and chief executive of 
MARC RICHARDS vice president, group publisher; JOHN LUMPKIN vice president, publisher; 1 
executive director, direct-response advertising; мәкік FIRNENO advertising operations director 
NEW YORK: BRIAN HOAR spirits, gaming and entertainment manager; DAVID LEVENSON consumer 
products manager; вл. SOUTH integrated sales director; ANTOINETTE FORTE national sports nutrition 
director; KENJITROYER advertising coordinator; JuLIALIGHT vice president, marketing: JOHN KITSES art 
director; james CRESS senior marketing manager; DANIELLE BRUEN, CHARLES ROMANO marketing managers; 
аал расолитта promotions coordinator CHICAGO: SCOTT 1155 midwest diecfor; SAK Jia digital 
sales planner DETROIT: jerr оси. national automotive director LOS ANGELES! 16% essersi "Un 
director; xri LANGE northwest director; AMY SPALDING digital sales planner 


rit 


PLAYBOY 


HEF SIGHTINGS, MANSION FROLICS AND NIGHTLIFE NOTES 


Grote “eee ea 
C ECC! 


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- ЕНГ а 
HUGH М. HEFNER PROPOSES ТО CRYSTAL HARRIS 
While opening presents on Christmas Eve, Hef handed Crystal a Little Mermaid box with an engagement ring inside and asked for her 
hand in marriage. She burst into happy tears and, with a flurry of kisses, said yes. Hef announced the surprising news by tweeting, "This 


is the happiest Christmas in memory.” It takes a special girl to woo the world’s most famous bachelor, and Hef believes that “Crystal 
and | have a great deal in common; we really complement each other. We have a wonderful time together, and | love her.” 


HOME FOR THE 
HOLIDAYS 

The Hefner family Christmas 
at the Playboy Mansion: 
Hef's young sons, Marston 
and Cooper, spent Christ- 
mas Eve with their father. 
Hef's future mother-in-law, 
Lee Lovitt, also shared the 
happy news. 


HEF AND CRYSTAL'S FIRST INTERVIEW AFTER THE ENGAGEMENT 
Kevin Frazier of Entertainment Tonight landed the scoop, interviewing the 
couple right after they became engaged, About the age difference, Crys- 
tal told Frazier she doesn't notice it at all. “If anything, | have to keep up 
with him!” she said, The ceremony will be an intimate affair at the Man- 
sion, according to Het. “Something very personal,” he said. 11 


WITH НЕР 


ud 


Р > УТ Prior to Christmas, Crystal hosted 

я Gingerbread House Night with 

2 Playmates at the Mansion. (1) The 

см “ gang shows off their Bunny houses. 

m (2) Miss May 2009 Crystal McCahill. 

(3) Miss September 2009 Kimberly 

Phillips is quite a homemaker, (4) Hef and Char- 

lie oversee Crystal Harris and Anna Sophia 

Berglund’s progress. (5) Marston constructs a 

gingerbread manger. (6) Miss March 2009 Jenni- 

fer Pershing. (7) Miss August 2008 Kayla Collins 

returns from taping I’m a Celebrity...Get Me Out of 

Here! in England. (8) Hef and Crystal host baby 

Hank Baskett and Kendra Wilkinson, also home 

for the holidays. (9) Miss February 2011 Kylie 

Johnson and Hef at Movie Night. (10) Misses July 

and August 2009 Karissa and Kristina Shannon 

having fun in the Game House. (11) Lauren Comp- 

ton, Miss January 2010 Jaime Faith Edmondson 

and Miss July 2010 Shanna McLaughlin drop by 

PMW. (12) Hef, Crystal McCahill and Bill Cosby 

shooting a Playboy Jazz Festival promo. (13) 

Holly Madison at the Mansion with Hef and 
Crystal during a taping of Holly's World. 


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SWINGIN’ 
THE [NEW] YEAR 


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Hef ushered in 2011—the Chinese zodiac's 
Year of the Rabbit—with friends, family and 
a bevy of Bunnies. (1) Mr. and soon-to-be Mrs. 
Playboy. (2) The incredible Lou Ferrigno and 
wife Carla. (3) Miss July 1997 Daphnee 
Duplaix is over the moon in the company of 
Buzz Aldrin. (4) Pinup artist Olivia with hus- ;, 
band Joel Beren. (5) Tatum Miranda, Quincy 
Jones, Hef and Crystal. (6) Samantha Crowley 6 
фы and Cooper Hefner. (7) Kristina Colona, Nick 
%- Simmons (son of PMOY 1982 Shannon Tweed 

; and Gene Simmons), Marston Hefner (son of 
PMOY 1989 Kimberly Conrad and Hef) and 
Miss October 2010 Claire Sinclair. (8) Painted 
Ladies. (9) Rap group New Boyz and 
guests. (10) PMOY 2000 Jodi Ann Paterson 
and Indy car legend Michael Andretti. 
(11) Hefner and PMOY 1976 Lillian 
Müller. (12) Lorenzo Lamas and fiancée 
Shawna Craig. (13) Crystal, Motown's 
Berry Gordy Jr., Smokey Robinson, Eske- 
dar Gobeze and Robinson's wife, Frances 
Gladney (far left), really helped make 
Hugh Hefner’s New Year’s rockin’ Eve. 


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WINNERS NEVER QUIT 

There is a distinct advantage to being 
an awful human being in a team sport: 
You are shielded by the franchise (Just 
Win, Baby!, February). Because the ros- 
ter is always changing, fans can hate a 
player but love the team. Athletes such 
as Tiger Woods who are not on a team 
face the abuse alone. (Notably, Woods is 
never booed when he's playing for the 
U.S. Ryder Cup team.) What A.J. Daul- 
erio's report overlooks is the impact of 
social media and the 24-hour news cycle. 
Every move of every star athlete is seru- 
tinized. Sexual assault, cheating on your 
wife and killing dogs are bad. But should 
we consider LeBron James’s “abandon- 
ment” of northeast Ohio as an example 
of misbehavior? If so, fans and journal- 
ists may soon be tweeting about Troy 
Polamalu jaywalking in downtown Pitts- 
burgh or Dirk Nowitzki declining to sign 
an autograph. As a fan, I’m more inter- 
ested in game previews, reviews and the 
occasional trade rumor, 

Adam Earnheardt 
Youngstown, Ohio 

Earnheardt, a professor of communications 
at Youngstown State, is author of Judging 
Athlete Behaviors. 


Daulerio says Michael Vick “ordered” 
dogs to be hanged and drowned, but the 
quarterback admitted in his plea agrec- 
ment to taking part in the deaths of at 
least six pit bulls that had not performed 
well in “testing sessions.” He threw these 
animals into the ring for shits and giggles. 
Instead of working on his game in prison 
he should have spent more time on anger 
management and his mental health. 

Kristen Breitweg 
Beverly Hills, Florida 


SPY GAMES 
Your report on Anna Chapman (The 
Spy Who Loved Me, January) makes me 
cringe. Not only did you publish low- 
quality photos taken by an ex-boyfriend 
looking to make a buck, you promoted 
the feature on the cover as if it were a 
pictorial. I’m disappointed. 
Michael Plourde 
Edmundston, New Brunswick 


Asa former sales associate and training 
supervisor, one detail in John Н. Richard- 
son's article strikes me as odd. The FBI 
says it observed Chapman leave a Veri- 
zon store in Manhattan and throw a bag 
into the trash. Inside, agents found а cus- 
tomer agreement with a fake name and 
address. For Chapman to be able to use 
a fake address to obtain a phone would 
require a security override, which is not 
something a clerk could do. She appears 
not to have been working alone. 
Joseph Ziehm 
Lewiston, Maine 
Richardson responds: “Having reported on a 
great many crimes over the years, I would never 
assume the answer is an elaborate conspiracy. 


DEAR PLAYBOY 


Tough Guys 

Nick Tosches neglects, in The End of 
Rico (February), to fully explore the 
censorship that tempered the robust 
gangsters of the early 1930s and 
reduced Edward G. Robinson to star- 
ring in comedies such as Brother Orchid, 
in which he portrays a gangster who 
sells flowers. The real loss is not the 
image of James Cagney and his grape- 
fruit but the antiheroes whose anger 
reflected that of a class-ridden nation; 
they were bad dudes but had few other 
choices. To some extent these tough 
guys shifted to the blaxploitation films 
of the 1970s, but today antihero has 
become synonymous with disaffected 
youthful rebellion, c.g., hip-hop, which 
will never be seen as tough. Finally, the 
notion that Scarface had a Jewish actor, 
Paul Muni, playing an Italian because 
of a Jewish plot to associate all orga- 
nized crime with Italians is ridiculous. 


It's much more likely the computers weren't 
working, the manager thought she was cute or 
some other innocent explanation. І doubt Mos- 


cow has infiltrated Verizon,” 


REASONS TO CELEBRATE 
Congratulations on the February issue, 
your best in years. The cover alone is 
priceless. Please consider giving Tisha 
Marie of the Lingerie Football League's 


Defensive lineman Tisha Marie gives us a rush. 


Dallas Desire (Fantasy Football) her own 
pictorial. Move over, Beyonce! 
Ron Shaffer 
Beverly, Ohio 


Thank you for the wonderful start to 
the new year. The dassic January cover 
of Pamela Anderson lifts my spirits, and 


Release: StorsMags & Раде Мио 


Muni played an Italian because the char- 
acter is based on Al Capone. 
Alan Gansberg 
Los Angeles, California 
Gansberg is author of Little Caesar: A 
Biography of Edward С. Robinson. 


Kayla Collins (Kayla Gets Real, February) 
melts the icy cold of winter. 
David Czuba 
Montreal, Quebec 


SECOND THOUGHTS 
І read The Middle-Aged Lothario (Jan- 
uary) with some interest. І grew up in 
a small town in New York where meth 
and heroin ran rampant. At 25 I know 
several people who are dead or in rehab 
for drug and alcohol abuse. Many are 
parents, and their drug use damaged 
their kids’ lives as well. Martin Deeson 
assumes that, like him, most users will 
reach middle age with relatively minor 
medical and/or legal troubles and that 
they will have the money and presence of 
mind to deal with those problems. 
Jessica Stafford 
Houston, Texas 


GENERAL DISCORD 
Bret Easton Ellis’s Notes on Jersey Shore 
(January) fired me up. If I wanted to 
know more about kids who are giving 
my generation a bad name, I would read 
my wife's magazines. For Ellis to men- 
tion Jersey Shore and The Hills in the same 
breath as Mad Men and The Sopranos, in 
any context, makes me wonder what he's 
smoking. In a few months will I be read- 
ing in PLAYBOY how Keeping Up With the 
Kardashians compares to Family Guy? 
Peter Kuhnlein 
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania 


1 adore pLavsoy—I really do—but 
using a likeness of the Medal of Honor 


15 


PLAYBOY 


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16 


years 

of the 
Playboy 
Bunny 


When Hugh Hefner founded the 

st Playboy Club in Chicago, 
he wanted a female waitstaff 
that would embody the Playboy 
fantasy. The Playboy Bunny was 
born, and 50 years later she lives 
on in our imaginations. With 
more than 200 amazing pho- 
tos of classic Bunnies—along 
with many never-before-seen 
images—50 Years of the Playboy 
Bunny is the definitive work on 
a cultural icon. Go to playboy 
store.com to order. (176 pages, $35, 
Chronicle Books) 


Г en „ЕП! ма thy b а LETTERS.PLAYBOY.COM Or write: 680 NORTH LAKE SHORE DRIVE, СІ 
Release: Зола д РЫШ i 


as a decoration on a fashion spread fea- 
turing members of the UFC (Stand Tough, 
January) is disrespectful. Every man and 
woman I served with in Iraq is tougher 
than any “ultimate” fighter. 

Aaron Gagne 

Westminster, Colorado 

Now, now—we're all on the same team, The 

UFC isn't responsible jor that graphic, aud й 
partners with Spike and the Intrepid Fallen 
Heroes Fund to support military personnel who 
have suffered brain injuries (fightforthetroops 
сот). In addition, UFC fighter Brian Stann, 
а former marine, is executive director of Hire 
Heroes (hireheroesusa.org). 


CASH FLOW 

Welcome to the No Fun League (January) 
focuses on the efforts of the National 
Football League to prevent betting on its 
games and to avoid associations with those 
who do. So how can Matthew Kredell 
claim the league and Calvin Ayre, founder 
of the sports-betting site Bodog, “have 
made a lot of money off each other”? Cer- 
tainly Ayre owes much of his wealth to the 
NEL, but the fact that the league could be 
making $700 million from legalized gam- 
bling emphasizes that the cash is flowing 
in one direction, 

James Deken 
Tulsa, Oklahoma 

Kredell responds: “Bodog and other sports 
books promote interest in every NFL game, 
even those between losing teams, and that 
helps the league negotiate lucrative televi- 
sion contracts. For example, DirecTV pays 
$1 billion annually to broadcast every Sun- 
day matchup. I’m sure some fans subscribe to 
NFL Sunday Ticket because they've relocated 
and still want to watch their hometown team, 
but ГА bet most people who buy access are 
gamblers or play fantasy football, the watered- 
down form of betting the NFL supports.” 


FORD VS. MAZDA 
Cars of the Year 2011 (January) suggests 
comparing the Mazda? to the Ford Fiesta. 
The Fiesta has a 1.6-liter engine (ver- 
sus 1.5 in the Mazda2), 120 horsepower 
(versus 100), gets 28 mpg city/37 mpg 
highway (versus 29/35) and has a base 
price of $13,320 (versus $15,635). I love 
my new Fiesta, which is lime green like 
the Мага? you showed. 
Angela Miller 
Castleton, Ontario 


NO PANSIES ALLOWED 
The End of Rico eloquently pays homage 

to the only type of man І allow in my fan- 
tasies. Down with вой, fluffy protagonis 
and all their quirky needs and phobia: 
(I'm looking at you, Michael Сега and Mr. 
DiCaprio.) Why do I love the real, rugged 
bad boy over a scrawny, doc-eyed James 
Bond? He's a reminder that women can 
take care of themselves emotionally with- 
out a man fawning over every bad mood 
and worry wrinkle. 

Gwendolyn Sheldon 

Radford, Virginia 


"Iosches says Sam Bowden (Gregory 
Peck) kills Max Cady (Robert Mitchum) 
in Cape Fear. Actually, he does what Cady 
fears more: He sends him to prison. 

E.S. Waters 

North Plainfield, New Jersey 


Your piece overlooks Charles Bronson, 
who stars in countless tough-guy roles, 
from bare-knuckle boxer in Hard Times to 
architect turned vigilante in Death Wish 
He even plays a tough melon farmer 
fighting the mob in Mr. Majestyk. 

int Picsczak 

Eastpointe, Michigan 


SALTY LANGUAGE 

Sometime in the past few decades we 
erased the line of indecency where hell 
and damn no longer stand out and shit, 
goddamn and asshole have their turn to 
shine (A Short History of Swearing: Part 
‘Two, January). I teach middle school and 
hear things in the halls that would have 
been censored from a Redd Foxx album. 
Kids are not being taught that cursing 
has its place and audience. My wife and 
I paint masterpieces of vulgarity around 
the house, especially during Jets and Mets 
games. But we don’t curse al anyone, and 
we respect the wishes of those we know 


Foxx sold an estimated 15 million blue albums, 


don’t want to hear it. Our first child is 
expected in May, and we joke his first sen: 
tence will be “It’s about fuckin’ time!” But 
if he never swears in front of his grand- 
parents, teachers, elders or strangers, 
we'll have done our job. 
Christopher Barnes 
Allentown, Pennsylvania 
While you're right to teach your son some 
proper fucking manners, you'll be happy to 
now he will not have to grow up fearing 
a ticket. After being sued by the ACLU, the 
Pennsylvania State Police ogreed in January 
to stop citing people for cussing in public. At 
the same time, a North Carolina judge struck 
down the state's 98-year-old ban on using 
indecent or profane language within earshot 
of two or more people after a woman was con- 
victed of telling fuo cops, “You need to clean 
up your damn dirty car.” 


ICAGO, ILLINOIS 60611 


„+ 


S 
8. 
= 
3 
5 
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Playmates, Bunnies, Athletes, Celebrities, and 2500 lucky guests party down before the Big Game! 


“Passport to Playboy" was the most coveted item the weekend of the Big Game, transforming the Bud Light Hotel into a sexy and stylish 
tribute to current and future Playboy Clubs around the worid. Guests were transported to Miami, Macau, Cancun, Vegas and London, and 
greeted by Playboy Bunny hostesses, sexy models and dancers, retro-cool décor, stunning bar displays, and scrumptious cuisine. Flo 
Rida and Snoop Dogg performed into the eariy morning with special guests and tons of celebrity appearances. 


PASSPORT 
N PLA PLAYBOY 


2524 
EME 
February 4, 2011 


Thanks to our spon: 


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Make any time a great time 
with the just-right taste of Bud Light. 


IT'S THE SURE SIGN OF A GOOD TIME 


CHERE WE GO 


BECOMING ATTRACTION 
DJ Cat NYC 


People love to hate 
on female DJs— 
particularly the pretty 
ones. But the haters 
don't bother DJ Cat 
NYC, because she is 
truly skilled on the 
decks. "It can be a 
challenge. because 
girls are scrutinized 
more than guys, but 
I've worked hard to get 
where I am,” she says. 
Plus, Cat thinks female 
DJs have some advan- 
tages over their male 
counterparts. "Not only 
is it cool to.see a girl 
rocking it, but we're 
really good at under- 
standing what people 
want to hear; I can look 
ataroomand automati- 
cally know what to play 
to get the crowd off.” 
And whether it's Lind- 
say Lohan's birthday 
party or aclub in Spain, 
Cat has one goal: to 
keep bodies moving. 
"It's a party—you have 
to work the crowd and 
get them excited." 


“YOU 
have to 
work the 
crowd 
and get 
them 
excited. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY MATT DOYLE 


StoreMags.com - Free Magazines Download ingirue, БӘР format 


4/20 
Holy It happens at 4:20 p.m. every day in parking 
Sm ok e lots, dormitories and nursing homes across 

the country: the stoner happy hour, when 
smokers light up and blow smoke. Some years ago the 4:20 
crowd launched 4/20 (April 20), the international underground 
pot-smoking holiday. How did the movement start? In 1971 five 
students in San Rafael, California heard about an abandoned 
marijuana crop near Point Reyes peninsula. Their plan: to meet 
ata statue outside school at 4:20 each afternoon, pile into a 1966 
Impala, toke upand go on a treasure hunt. While no field of green 
was found, the term four-20 became their, and the world's, slang 
for all things cannabis. Where is the biggest party this April 20? 
The University of Colorado at Boulder, where thousands of ston- 
ers will Light up in unison at 4:20. Talk about higher education. 


Кавазе 5шогешаоз атгаад 


Kick Ash 
Fire on the Mountain 


Why hike up а recently erupted volcano and risk 
your neck surfing down its ashy slopes at 50 mph? 
“Because it is there" to quote the explorer George 
Mallory, who died trying to summit Everest in 1924. 
Volcano surfing, also called ash boarding, is the lat- 
est on the extreme-sport scene. The place to go is 
the 1,300-foot-tall Cerro Negro volcano in Nicaragua 
(pictured); book your trip through bigfootnicar: 

com. Hopefully you'll have better luck than Mallo: 


Grand Opening 
The House of Cipriani 


Since the day in 1931 when Giuseppe Cipriani opened 
Harry's Bar in Venice—the most glamorous watering 
hole of its era—the story of Cipriani has unfolded like 
an epic Edith Wharton novel. Four generations, some 
guilty pleas for tax evasion and a slew of opulent 
party spots later, the Cipriani clan is set to open Mr. 
C Hotel at 1224 South Beverwil Drive in Los Angeles 
this month (cipriani.com). See you at the bar, Pictured 
here: the pool at the Ci пі Hotel in Venice. 


^) павы, etd 


CHEE ТА ВНІ оно 


TUNA WITH AVOCADO- 
WASABI PUREE 

2 avocados, pitted, peeled 
and cut into chunks 

1tbsp. wasabi 

1 tbsp. fresh lime juice 

1tsp. salt 

2 tbsp. chopped fresh chives 
4 half-pound tuna steaks, 
about %-inch thick 

% cup garlic-soy marinade 
(whisk together % сир soy 
sauce, 8 cloves grated garlic, 
% cup olive ой, 

2 tsp. black pepper) 


The Catch E 
Hot Tuna The New Yr Times 


has called chef Tadashi Ono's cuisine “a е 
natural idiom for culinary poetry.” In his 
new book The Japanese Grill ($25, Ten - 
Speed Press), the man behind New York's 1. 
Matsuri restaurant delivers his se 

with an eye toward simplicity. Her 


bowl mash togeth- 
ept the fish and mari- 


Cannonball Run 


Tanked Up 


In case volcan 
оға, Minnesota 

an array of real tanks that have 
seen combat, After you've gone ona few shakedown runs (at top speed!) and navigated 
an obstacle course by periscope, you'll drive a tank over not one b 
them like Coors cans beneath your boot, Getting tired? Have a coffee. It's tim it 
the live firing rang u can shoot machine guns. The full-day program go: 
(beers afterward not included). See the lineup of 


cars, crushing 


ӘЛІ; ARE 
SILA ASE 


BARMATE 


Laila Rose 


IN SEARCH OF AMERICA'S 
HOTTEST BARTENDERS 


PLAYBOY: A three-story bar in State 
College, Pennsylvania. Who would 
have thought? 

LAILA: We have to pack all the thirsty Penn 
State students in here at the Mezzanine. 
PLAYBOY: You need a place this big to 
employ all these beautiful bartenders. 
LAILA: I like to think we have the hottest 
girls in State College 

PLAYBOY: You dress amazingly. 

LAILA: When you have great natural 
breasts like these and dress revealingly, 
it helps with the tips. 

PLAYBOY: They're certainly notan occu- 
pational hazard, 

LAILA: Once I was shaking a cocktail and 
the top of the shaker flew off. The drink 
went into my contacts and all over my tits. 
Т had sticky boobs the rest of the night 
PLAYBOY: What else should we know 
about you? 

LAILA: Well, I'm a crazy cat lady, І can't 
dance, and I hate to brag, but I'm on a 
full academic scholarship to Penn State. 
PLAYBOY: What are you studying? 
LAILA: Film. I've also studied women in 
the media. After I researched Josephine 
Baker, I thought more people should know 
about her, so I created adrink in her honor. 
Here are a couple of Josie Bs coming up. 


JOSIEB & 
Fillapintglass with be. , | 
id 1% oz. Bacar 
Dragon Berry, Хо. “5 
Apple Pucker oz. | 
Watermelon Pucker: Fi | 
with Sierra Mist. Top y 
with splash of cranberry. * x. 


SEE MORE OF LATLA AT 
CLUB PLAYSOY.COM. 
APPLY TO BE BARMATE AT 
PLAYBOY.COM/POSE. 


relviags.com - Fies Magazines Download In True PDF баладай: 


& 


Bodies of Work 
A Trip to the Beach With 
Hilo Chen 


‘As swimsuit season approaches, let us praise 68-year-old 
Taiwanese American painter Hilo Chen, whose hyperreal 
istic images of women on the beach leave us amazed and 
tumescent. Just be careful when you see these paintings 
in person; they look so real it's hard to keep your paws 
off the canvas. Pictured from top: Beach 162, Beach 149 
and Beach 165, Chen is represented by the Bernarducci 
22 Meisel Gallery (bernarduccimeisel.com| 


FOR THE FIRST TIME 
YOU CAN SEE 


| NO 


COLUMBA PCTURES 
А sun face 


‘ected by LASLO BENEDEK 


е 


Leather Man 
ker Chic 


The classic leather motor- 
cycle jacket makes a 
comeback this spring. 
Schott NYC, the go-to 
brand, made leathers 
worn by American pilots 
in World War IT, Brando in 
The Wild One (1953), James 
Dean at the wheel of his 
Porsche, the Ramones and 
Joan Jett onstage, not to 
mention Springsteen on the 
cover of Born to Run, Shop for 
yours at schottnyc.com. 


(3590, schottnyc.com). 


e-Up C 


Some small urban entrepreneurs have taken a stand against corporate 
coffee juggernauts like Starbucks. Their goal: to make the best cup of 
artisanal joe in the world. This means beans straight from ferms in 
Africa and South America, roasted in small batches on the premises and 
ground to order. At Asado in Chicago (asadocoffee.com), Blue Bottle in 
San Francisco (bluebottlecoffee.net), Zoka in Seattle (zokacoffee.com) 
and Stumptown in Portland (stumptowncoffee.com), each cup is hand- 
made to order by slowly stirring hot water into the ground coffee with a 
spoon. Can't make it there? Order beans and try these elixirs at home. 


mem 


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StoreMags.com - Free Magazines 


SURGEON GENERAL WARNING: 
Cigar Smoking Can Cause Lung 
Cancer And Heart Disease. 


ж 
| ЩЕ i WM 
А қ o unmistakable 
| = ев E е decadent 
Е ӘУ. continue’ = acanudo, with а 
273 dese a eT ар a ota 
inish 5 


КТ 
Release: StoreMags & FantaMag 


Movie of the Month 
Source Code 


hen Rebello 


no-thriller casts Jake Gyl- 
rated soldier who 
awakens іп a stranger's Бо 
weren't trippy el Gyllenhaal learns 
he is 
that forces him t 
-train bombing until he 


ers clues to stop a bomber from pullin 

cago. Co- 
starring M е Monaghan, Vera Far- 
miga and Jeffrey Wright, the movie ha: 

iction 
tor, Duncan 

son—also made Moon, one of the best 
movies of 2009. “Source Code has been 


Groundhog Day and Quantum 
it this is very much 
thriller with a few scientific 
says Jones. “The mo! 
the fantastical e 
us than 


DVD of the Month 
Black Swan 


This fevered masterwork may well have set a record for the 
number of OMGs and WTFs texted during its 108-minute run- 
ning time. Natalie Portman is beautiful, driven, disciplined 
and completely out of her mind. Director Darren Aronofsky 
throws his heroine into a perfect storm of psychosex- 
ual anxiety. It starts at home with a repressive stage р] 
mom (Barbara Hershey) and a relationship that 
recalls the toxic mother-daughter pairing in Carrie. 
Along comes a charismatic ballet director (Vincent 
Cassel), who offers her the big white-swan break but 
torments her for not being more black swan like the 
luscious new ballerina (Mila Kunis) just in from the 
West Coast. Once this real-life doppelganger arrives, 
Portman's paranoid hallucinations go Grand 
Guignol...and Black Swan soars. Best extra: Both 
the DVD and BD contain the three-chapter making-of в 
featurette “Metamorphosis.” ¥¥¥¥ —Greg Fagan 


Tease Frame 


These are the discs Canadian ess Neve 
is waiting for as she plays a deputy on Ў: Campbell became а 


the big screen in BEN m 1990s It girl with Party ) FE 
Scream 4. 2 of Five, The Craft and к са Y 


f the Scream trilogy. She » 
“This wild ride is А filmed а hot thr 


shockingly prescient” Y г in Wild Things but did A 

o "I'm show audiences her wild 5; 
always inspired by the “ак ngs until 2007's І pw 
great Bette Davis." ў ! Really Hate My Job = "м 


“Pure nostalgia. Т сап 
quote every line.” 


= 
а 

E 
E 
& 
в 


Lord of the 
Schwings 


Leading a band of wan 

battle against the horrid 
spawn takes guts, cunning and 
occasionally sex. In Dragon 
Age II (360, PC, PS3), the 
quel to the award-winning RPG, 
you play as Hawke, a legend in 
the world of Ferelden, who 
gathers a group of fighters in- 
cluding the badass Aveline and 
the swashbuckling Isabela. It 
isn't easy, but woo them with 
enough clever conversation 
and elaborate gifts and you can 
take a break from the ogre 
slaying for a roll in the sheets. 


Must-Watch TV 


When producers began building Homer 
front (360, PC, PS3) two years ago they 
had no idea how prescient their story line 
was: North Korea's Kim Jong Ll names 
аз his successor his sondKim Jong Un, 
who then escalates military action. Sound 
familiar? In this game, set in 2027, Korea 
isa Eu — na 


f 


and everything west of the Mississippil 
As resistance fighter Robert Jacobs, 
your mission is to disrupt the occupying 
forces. The standard shooter-game 
experience is boosted by a sense of des- 
peration as you scavenge for weapons 
and stage guerrilla missions to take back 
America one subdivision at a time. YYY 


Also in Games 

Rising up to the challenge of your rivals is a 
long journey. In Fight Night Champion (360, 
PS3) the hard-hitting series finally offers a 
career mode that lets you take an unknown 
pugilist from small-time boxing clubs to 
big-time arenas with the best fight mechan- 
ics and real-time facial damage around. 


If you grew up in the 1970s, you 
probably spent part of your week- 
ends watching Leonard Nimoy nar- 
rate (potentially) true stories of the 
bizarre on In Search Of. That 
show's mystical vibe lives on via 
Animal Planet's River Monsters, 
which returns in April for a third 
season of freshwater horror sto- 
ries told through the eyes of 
“extreme angler" Jeremy 


Wade. Each hour unfolds AMC has a knack for creating TV 


like an installment of 
CST, with Wade investi- 
gating evidence of cun- 
ning creatures, most of 
which boast a fondness 
for human flesh. One up- 
coming episode has our 
hero looking into reports 
of local fishermen who 
have bled to death af- 
ter having their dicks 
bitten off. Suddenly, 
shark attacks seem 
not so bad. ¥¥¥¥ 

— Joe Адайап 


Ese Storage 


& Раша Мао 


shows that turn into addictions: A few 
hits of Mad Men or The Walking Dead, 
and before you know it you find your- 
self in an internet chat room at two A.M., 
discussing the most effective means 
for offing zombies. Now comes The 
Killing, about the investigation of a 
teen girl's murder and its possible 
connection to an upcoming city elec- 
tion. We were hoping for a mash-up of 
Prime Suspect and The Wire, but the 
pilot offers only cop-show clichés, 
heavy-handed dialogue and vague 
hints of conspiracies. You'd be better 
off with Cold Case reruns. ¥ JA, 


Playboy TV 


VHI's Rachel Perry puts her sarcas- 
tic stamp on naughty news, adult 
film oddities, fetishes gone wrong 
and other things too taboo for the 
mainstream, on Playboy TV's new 
weekly series The Stash. We talked to 
the lovely and entertaining host and 
got the inside scoop on the show. 
What can viewers expect? 
ry: It's going to make people 
laugh. There will be some very funny 
clips and news bits. 
F : What will you cover? 

: Porn. Old porn, new porn, 
strange porn. If you like porn, this 
show is for you, and if you don't like 
porn, this show is also for you. Plus, 
it's family-friendly—as long as every- 
one in your family is over 18. 

: How did you get this gig? 
Р ry: It's strange, right? I've been 
working in television for 10 years and 
finally I'm in porn! Just kidding. I 
wanted to do more comedy, and this 
show is definitely all comedy. 

Will you have guests? 

erry: Absolutely. We already shot the 

pilot, and our first guest is the star of 
Saturday Night Beaver—she's amazing. 

Is there anything else we 


Shop With 
the Bunny 


Celebrate the arrival of spring 
with some retail therapy at the 
Playboy Store (playboystore 
.com). And because we love 
our readers, be sure to use the 
code PBMagazinell to get 15 
percent off your order. 

Bikini Season Ladies 

will love Playboy's Ve- 

gas Pool Party bikinis 

with rhinestones, 

studs and animal 

prints. Best of all, 

the bikinis embrace 

every curve of a 
woman's body. 

Old School Love 

classic PLAYBOYS? 

Shop our back-issue 
archive for your favor- 

ites. Plus, check out 
Playboy's collector gui- 
tars, glassware, framed 
prints and books. 

Tying the Knot? The Bridal 
Bunny carries plenty of sexy 
lingerie for the big night. 


should know about the show? 

Perry: We shoot in front of a live stu- 
dio audience, so anyone in the L.A. 
area can come to a taping. There are 


going to be giveaways, most of which 
will be battery-operated in nature. 
Series premieres Saturday, March 
26, 10 p.m, ET/PT. 


Playboy Digital 
Meet Miss Social 


It's a tad ironic that won the title of 
Playboy's Miss Social December: The 22-year-old Water- 
town, New York native wasn't much of a social-media user 
prior to entering the contest. “My use of it really grew out of 
this experience,” she says. The Miss Social competition is a 
nonnude-model search that is decided by fans, and Cassandra 
is the second girl to win the title. Contestants use Facebook 
and Twitter to drum up votes from family and friends, and 
Cassandra worked hard on her campaign. “It's funny; I've 
always said I hate being from a small town, but in this 
instance I think it helped me tremendously. Everyone knew 
me and knew what I was trying to do. They were all so sup- 
portive and voted for me right and left.” These days Cassan- 
N dra is a social-media pro. She says the key 
Y to using it successfully is to be friendly 
ба >) and accessible. “You have to be dedicat- 
ed, and you need to thank the people 
who help you,” she says. As Miss Social 
December, Cassandra earns a Playboy 
photo shoot and a trip to the Playboy 
Mansion in June. In addition, she'll be 
featured as a sexy character in Big- 
Point's new video game Ruined Online. 
“This whole experience has been so exciting 
and amazing,” she says. Visit facebook.com/ 
playboymisssocial for more information. 


RAW DATA 


SIGNIFICA, INSIGNIFICA, STATS AND FACTS 


UNTIL THE ACLU A RECENT STUDY FOUND THAT 
ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE HAVE SIG- 
RECENTLY TOOK NIFICANTLY HIGHER 195 THAN 
THEM TO COURT, LESS ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE. OF 
THE 52,000 PEOPLE STUDIED, 
PENNSYLVANIA ATTRACTIVE MEN SCORED 13.6 
STATE POLICE POINTS ABOVE AVERAGE AND 
ATTRACTIVE WOMEN SCORED 
WERE ISSUING 750 11.4 POINTS ABOVE AVERAGE. 
CITATIONS PER 
<= YEAR TO MOTORISTS 
} JUST FOR OBSCEN- 
) ITY: SWEARING AT шама MEL 
POLICE OR AT ONE 
“ALL GUYS WILL 
ANOTHER. 


) IF GIVEN THE 

$302,500 * 

Price paid at auction for 

an Andy Warhol portrait 

t Mao Tse-tung that actor 

ennis Hopper shot two 
5 bullets through. 


El ON AVERAGE AMERICANS 
HAVE JUST UNDER 37 HOURS 


5 OFLEISURE TIME PER WEEK 
EUR E TER WEEK A HIGHER PERCENTAGE OF PEOPLE IN 


WATCHING TV. THEU.S. ATTEND RELIGIOUS SERVIOES 
WEEKLY THAN DO IN THE OFFICIALLY 
ISLAMIC REPUBLIC OF 


IRAN. 


BETWEEN 2000 AND 2010 THE 
NUMBER OF BILLIONAIRES WORLD- 
WIDE INCREASED BY 705, AND THE 
NUMBER OF UNDERNOURISHED 
PEOPLE WORLDWIDE INCREASED 


BY 68 MILLION. facebook 


SHE FAA, WHOSE JOB IT IS TO | BASED ON THE AVERAGE NUMBER 

&EGISTER AND KEEP TRACK OF | OF ALCOHOLIC DRINKS CONSUMED 
THE 357,000 PERSONAL AND PER PERSON, THE TIPSIEST 

COMMERCIAL AIRCRAFT IN THE TOWNS IN THE U.S. ARE, IN ORDER: 


U.S., DOESN'T ACTUALLY KNOW 
THE OWNERS OR THE y - 1. MILWAUKEE 6. BURLINGTON | 


' E 2.FARGO 7,27 7.0MAHA IGHTY-SEVEN 
ы, Жән” 


5 ВЕНО - 10. SAN DIEGO 
E а VALENTINE’S DAY 


Robert De Niro has died in 
15 films—more than any 
other living lead actor. 


Release: StoreMags & FantaMag 


FOR THOSE 


BOLD 
ENOUGH 
ON TASTE. 


—BOLD— 
£ LULL 

Е ar 
E CHOICE 


#MANTRACK 


"а 
ил 


Turkish Delight 
Ain’t no party like an Istanbul party 


In a land of contradictions, here's the latest: Istanbul, Islam's 
European outpost, is now the continent's go-to nocturnal retreat. 
А 10-hour flight from New York City, Istanbul offers an exotic 
alternative to Prague and other preferred post-Cold War travel 
destinations. Stow your bags at Hótel Les Ottomans (from $1,080, 
lesottomans.com), a renovated 18th century palace situated on 
the Bosphorus Strait. For $470 the concierge staff will pick you up 
from Atatürk Airport and take you by speedboat to the hotel's pri- 
vate dock. If Ottoman-era opulence isn’t your thing, try the more 
modern Bentley Hotel (from $275, bentley-hotel.com). Either way, 
stop in for dinner at Ciya Sofrasi (ciya.com.tr), a leader in the coun- 
try's culinary movement toward down-home Turkish dishes—e.g., 


Tough Enough 


Go ahead andtry to sink the 
ioSafe Rugged Portable 
Hard Drive (from $150, 
iosafe.com). We fired a 
shotgun at the alumi- 
num case—hitting it 
squarely, thank you— 
without losing a single 
piece of our data. The 
one-terabyte hard drive 
can also withstand a bar- 
reUs worth of diesel fuel 
and the deep end of the 
neighborhood pool. 


TRAVEL :: PRESERVE :: PACK 


lamb stew and stuffed eggplant. Kick off the rest of the evening at 
360 Istanbul (360istanbul.com), where the only thing more strik- 
ing than the women is the view of the city's skyline, which straddles 
the Europe-Asia divide. From there, jump in a cab to Blackk (blackk 
net); the hard beats will keep you out till sunrise. Speaking of morn- 
ing: Grab a fresh simit—the Turkish equivalent of a bagel-from a 
street vendor to enjoy with your coffee, the national beverage. As for 
the sights, don't miss the Grand Bazaar (amaze of shops), the Blue 
Mosque (the standard tourist stop) and Istanbul Modern (the cen- 
ter of the secular art scene). Later, get medieval at the Galata Tower 
(galatatower.net)—part landmark, part hot spot. The entertainment? 
A bevy of belly dancers. What a city of beautiful contradictions. 


Man Bag 


Forget about the nylon 
sacks of your awkward 
middle-school years. The 
Will Leather Goods 
Lennon bag ($385, will 
leathergoods.com) 

is the backpack all 
grown up—handmade 
from heavy canvas, thick 
bridle leather and vintage 
worn-in hardware. You 
will be the most popu- 
lar kid at the urban 
playground. 


oc MAN RACK 


WRITE с GOLF 5 СО 


Club Rules 


In the cutthroat world of golf 
big corporations will do 
g to sell you their lat- 
est clubs. With its new R11 driver 
($400, taylormadegolf.com), 
TaylorMade eschews scientific 
and marketing jumble in favor 
of a simple idea: The club is 
bespoke in a mass-market 
kind of way. The loft, face 
angle and flight path are all 
adjustable, so you can get 
a custom-like club off the 
shelf at a decent price. In 
other words, this Taylor- 
Made is tailor-made. 


Eat it, Twitter, When 140 characters doesn't cut it and you need to communicate 
in actual complete thoughts and phrases, grab an Icons Greeting Card ($3.75, 
oipolloi.com) from the British menswear shop Оі Polloi. Two-tone sketches of Hunter 
S. Thompson (as his Good Doctor alter ego), Jack Nicholson (as his Easy Rider 
character, George Hanson) and Steve McQueen (as himself) appear on the outside. 
The inside remains blank for whatever message you want to send. Retweet that. 


The Gentleman's RV 


Rough |t? But why? The 2011 Eddie Bauer 
Airstream travel trailer ($73,702, airstream 
.com) brings the best parts of the great 
indoors (i.e., plasma-screen televisions) to 
the great outdoors—transforming any gravel 
campsite into a well-appointed studio apart- 
ment. And so even the RV basics—queen-size 
bed, dinette, pantry, stove and refrigerator— 
sport an urbane sheen. Maple and soapstone 
laminates, quilted fabrics and goose-down 
pillows, anyone? But that doesn’t mean #5 
too fancy to handle the elements. Large 
Michelin tires ensure that tractionis neverlost 
when navigating sloppy rural roads, and the 
dining area collapses to provide more room 
to stash action gear suchas bikes and kayaks. 
The nearly 26-foot-long trailer sleeps up to 
four people, and a standard SUV or pickup 
truck should suffice to haul it across the coun- 
try. Go get lost on the open road already. 


ELT г 


30 


TOSCHES 


n most mornings I listen to an 
all-news radio station. After 
about half an hour the news 
seems to repeat itself through- 
out the day and into the next, save for the 
occasional breaking rape, murder, verdict, 
storm, stock market or terrorism bite. 

If I'm not lying to myself, I listen for 
the laughs, snorts of disgust and schaden- 
freude it brings—and the commercials. 
Yes, the commercials. Do I belong to the 
station's target demographic? If so, I’m 
in trouble. Big trouble, We all are. 

We look back in arrogance on the 
Dark Ages. We do not see the benighted 
folly of our own times, lives and minds. 
Listening to these commercials often 
brings to mind nothing so much as 
the medieval nostrum-mongers and 
provincial coney catchers from which 
enlightenment is thought to have freed 
us. This newspeak marketplace says 
more about us and our culture than all 
the spin-doctored bites and rapid-fire 
reports broadcast day in and day out 
ever could say. 

Bell Bed Bugs offers to have its bed- 
bug dog, Roscoe, sniff out my mattress. 
The Lichi Super Fruit Diet—move over, 
pomegranate pushers—promises bet- 
ter health. Hydrolyze will remove the 
dark circles, bags and wrinkles under 
my eyes, while Dr. Arthur Perry's Night- 
Skin inyites mesdames to be rid of those 
brown spots. 

I can buy gold “at wholesale prices” 
from United Gold. There is Debt Man- 
agement Group, which invites me to 
visit its offices in Brooklyn—on Coney 


Island Avenue, no less, as it turns out— 
to fouimproye my debt-to-income ratio, 


other entities are eager to solve 
5e financial problems for free. 

Such solicitations provide only the 
idlest of entertainment. Even the 
dulcet but forbidding insinuations 
of hospitals for *special surgery" are 
mere overtures. I am a member of the 
disease-of-the-month club, an aficio- 
nado of iatrogenic maladies and the 
symptoms of the fear that pervades and 
informs society and the frenzy and fret- 
tings of its worker ants. I subscribe to 
all-fear commercial broadcasting. 

It's everywhere. Radio. Television. 
Print. 

"That runny nose? No such thing. It's 
vasomotor rhinitis now. Sound more 
serious than you thought? No prob- 
lem. What you need isn't Kleenex. It's 
Astelin. Get to a doctor for your pre- 
scription now. 

And that runny nose ain't nothing 
compared with "brain fog." If you don't 
suffer from it, you will. Thank the gods 
for all-natural Neurostin. 

How's your atherosclerosis? That's 
right, not your arteriosclerosis—your 
atherosclerosis. 

Just as you would turn to Mirapex 
for your RLS, surely you should turn 
to Spiriva for your COPD. 

“...if you experience increased gam- 
bling, sexual or other intense urges...” 

Remember that only a doctor can tell 
if you've got BPH. And only a doctor 
can prescribe Flomax for it. 

What about—perhaps, along with 


brain fog, my favorite—fibromyalgia, 
that disease no one believes you have? 
No one except maybe Pfizer, which has 
a drug for it. 

The “real” news intrudes to tell us that 
some of Nature's Harvest and Organic 
Harvest organic ground beef is being 
recalled for E. coli contamination. 

As a matter of course, I try to stay 
away from products that include harvest, 
valley or path in their brand name and 
are on offer at the local all-natural sugar 
emporium known as Whole Foods, Sweet 
indeed is high-fructose fear syrup. 

The economy may be shot, but I’m 
bullish on fear. If only we could invest 
in it, we'd make out all right. But it's 
not trademarked or incorporated; it’s 
everywhere, and the big pharmaceutical 
companies alone are a sucker’s bet. 

Terrorism works. Terrorism of every 
kind, from within as well as from with- 
out. The amygdala, the brain's fear 
center, is the true hotbed of terrorism 
and what the doctors of psychological 
ills, real and imagined, call co- 
morbidity, Generalized anxiety disorder 
(GAD)—I can’t remember what com- 
mercial I got that one from—promises 
to become an accurate working defini- 
tion of life itself. 

Forget about those suspicious-looking 
packages on the subway and in your 
brain. Just take a deep breath, laugh it 
out and say no to the pharmacopoeia of 
fear. If that doesn’t work, there’s always 
minimally invasive surgery. As the old 
Hippocratic writings tell us, what drugs 
do not cure, the knife will. Amen. 


31 


formal 


Storelags.com - Fies Magazines Downioad i True POF 


32 


The Art of Dating a 


eople on tele- 


hot. 


know—not everyone. 

But for every Oprah 
and Nancy Grace 
there are a dozen 
Blake Livelys and Sofia 
Vergaras. And they're not 
just hot. They're rich, and 
you know what that 
means: They can be e 
really picky. 

Realistically, for 
normal folks, the 
chances of bagging 
an actual TV actor 
are slight—even with 
chloroform and duct 
tape. If you want to 
score with someone 
who's coming into 
your living room 
at night, switch 
off that televi- 
sion show with 
the plot, seript 
and actors. It's 
reality-TV time! 

Reality shows are the 
bedbugs of television—they're 
everyplace you turn, and after 
seeing them, you feel slightly 
dirty. But with reality shows come re: 
hos, and instead of being actors, reality 
girls are the other A word: attainable. In 
fact, with a new crop of these celebutards 
popping up every week and returning to 
“real life” six seconds later, chances are 
you'll be courting one soon. 

But which of these girls is for you? 
Which will be compatible with you in the 
sack? We all know reality sucks. But does 
it swallow? I’ve studied some of TV's 
most notorious reality girls so you can 
dive into this part of the dating pool with 
your eyes wide open. 

Let’s start with 
the crown jewels 
of the reality-TV 
world—the Kar- 
dashians. First 
of all, Kim and 
Khloé love black 
athletes. So if 
you're pigmen- 
tally challenged, 
don't bother. 
"These gi 
out proi 
athletes like 
baseball players 
spit out sunflower 
seeds. On the bright 
side, if you get one 
of them, they'll 
let you leave 6 
ESPN on while ў ў 
you're bang- : 
ing them 


ILLUSTRATIONS BY MARK HAMMERMESTER. 


ik e 


AR) 


WOMEN 


| Michaels's 


By Lisa Lampanelli 


But think about it: It'd 
be really awkward to 
reach into your 
girl’s panties 
and find an 
ex-boyfriend’s 
Super Bowl 
ring. The third 
K, Kourtney, 
may be within 
reach. She likes 
assholes, so even you 
might have a shot! 
But say you're a 
nice guy with low self- 
esteem who can take 
more abuse than David 
Hasselhoff’s liver. Then 
Kate Gosselin is the gal 
for you. Anyone who's 
seen Kate on TV knows 
she's such a nag that when 
she dies, they could make glue out of her. 
If you choose to date Kate, you'd better 
е kids more than Mr. Rogers, Сар- 
tain Kangaroo and Michael Jackson put 
together. In short, if you're a Thai sweat- 
shop owner and need eight little pairs of 
hands, Kate is the lid for your wok. 

Got the recreational habits of Char- 
lie Sheen? Well, look no further than 
Danielle Staub, the craziest of Bravo 
TV's Real Housewives of New Jersey. Dan- 
ielle is, in one word, wild, and not just 
with men. She claims to like women, 
too. And she’s going to have free time, 
since she’s left the show. When you're 
too crazy for the Real Housewives fran- 
chise, you know you're in trouble. 

An interesting subspecies of reality TV 
is the reality-TV dating show—you know, 
the shows on which a dozen women scratch 
and claw for one man's "heart" (or some- 

thing in a more southerly direction). It 
takes a special 
type of man to 
date a woman 
who's appeared 
on a dating 
show. That 
man hasto 
be com- 
pletely 
unafraid 
to go where 
every man has 
gone before. 
Luckily for you 
normal guys out there, all 


14- 


— 
Release: Зогемаов & Fantalllag 


the castoffs from reality-dating shows 
have already been, well, cast off. They're 
out there in the dating pool right now. 

Take the girls from any one of Bret 
3,463 reality shows. Long 
before Bret's brain exploded, he was 
smart enough to halt his halfhearted 
search for love on ҮНІ. The beauty of 
dating one of these bimbos is that they re 
so desperate to bang a rock star, you don’t 
even have to be a real one to get laid. 
Just dress like one. Get yourself a clip-on 
ponytail, a bandanna and a leather jacket 
from Goodwill, and say you're the bass 
player from White Lion. 

There's something for everyone 
down at the white high heels-and-Ed 
Hardy vacation paradise Jersey Shore. If 
you like the skanky bridge-and-tunnel 
type—and who below Exit 6 on the 
turnpike doesn't? —Sammi's your girl. 
Sure, she has a big mouth 
and the cvening always 
ends up with you in 
a fight, but as long 
as you have the 
number of a bail 
bondsman writ- 
ten on your hand, 
you'll be just fine. 

Last and definitely 
least—when it comes 
to height, brains and 
tolerance for alco- 
hol—is Snooki. Guidos 
with permanent beer 
goggles will be 
gaga for this 
Cheetos-col- 
ored midget. 

Snooki is lit- 

erally an optical 
illusion; From 
some angles she’s 
cute, from others, / 
Shrek. Snooki is 4 

the perfect girl 

if you like going 

to sports bars, 

because she swears 

like a sailor, drinks 

like a fish and she's 

so short you can see 

all the games over her 
head. But unless you use 
seven pounds of hair gel, | 
you'll get less action from 
Snooki than a Cate Blanch- 
ett movie. If you're Italian, 
have a drinking problem 
and like a girl who can 
be used as a paperweight, 
Snooki's for you! 

Just remember, if you 

ask Snooki out, make 

< #7] 
move early in the night. | 
Because, like the ball on и 
New Year’s Eve, she’s big and round 
and falls down around midnight. 


sure you make your 


Е format 


Tru A 


rellags.com = Flee Magazines Download in T 


8 


1 have developed an allergic re- 
action to my own semen. Over 
the past few years, whenever 
I ejaculate, my eyes water, my 
nose runs and I sneeze repeat- 
edly. Once I clean up, the at- 
tack stops. Is there anything 1 
can do? I hope I’m not the only 
one, because I don't want the af- 
fliction named after me.—S.P, 
Arlington, Virginia 

You're safe. In 2002 Dr. Marcel 
Waldinger, a sexual psychophar- 
macologist in the Netherlands, and 
а colleague gave this relatively rare 
condition a name: postorgasmic 
illness syndrome. Earlier this year 
Waldinger reported the results of 
а new study involving 45 Dutch 
men who have adverse reactions 
to their own semen. The most 
common symptoms, which almost 
always appear within 30 minutes 
of ejaculation, are exhaustion and 
concentration difficulties, flu-like 
conditions and/or allergic responses 
in the eyes and nose. Half the men 
said these reactions had occurred 
since the first time they ejaculated 
as teenagers; the others said they 
appeared in their 20s or later. Nota- 
bly, 56 percent of the men reported 
suffering from lifelong premature 
ejaculation, but Waldinger says 
this may be because they have lim- 


ited sexual experience as a result of 


the disorder. Waldinger has found 
POIS can be treated with hypo- 
sensitization therapy, in which the 
man is injected with his own semen 
in small but gradually increasing 
amounts, a process that can con- 
tinue for several years. For more 
information, visit post-orgasmic- 
illness-syndrome.com/en. 


| want to marry my girlfriend, 
but her credit is about as bad as 
it gets. Is there any way we can 
get married without destroying 
my nearly perfect credit?—G.M., 
Augusta, Georgia 

Your credit will become entangled 
only if you open joint accounts or 
co-sign for a mortgage or other 
loans, in which case her poor score 
will present obstacles and raise your 
interest rates. That isn't a reason 
nol to marry, but it suggests a longer 
discussion about how you plan to 
merge your styles and handle shared 
expenses. (In this case, separate 
bank accounts seem wise.) You don't 
want to be put ina situation where, 
as the responsible money manager, 


you are overseeing the household finances 
while attempting to “control” her spending. A 
study published last year suggests that spend- 
thrifts and tightwads are initially attracted to 
each other because they see in their partners 
the qualities they feel ате missing in their own 


PLAYBOY 
ADVISOR 


| am 23 and have been dating my girlfriend for two 
years. I love her, but I’ve also fallen in love with her 
mother, who is 50 and happily married. I am so com- 
fortable with her I can even talk to her about my sex 
life with her daughter, She takes me out, we watch 
movies together, she even gives me money. Should I 
try to sleep with her? I think about her when I mas- 
turbate and sometimes while having sex with my girl- 
friend. How do I confront her about how I feel so she 
won't say anything to my girlfriend or my girlfriend’s 
father?—M.A., Youngstown, Ohio 

Didn't they make this into a movie? It’s always difficult 
to date two women at once, especially if they re related. Most 
guys who fantasize about sisters, moms, aunts and other 
members of the girlfriend support system recognize that 65 
percent of their lust rests in the taboo and 25 percent in the 
unattainable. Don’t obsess over the fantasy—examine the 
reality, which would likely be the destruction of two relation- 
ships. Spend less time with Mom and more time with your 
girlfriend. On a positive note, should you two get something 
going despite our prudent counsel, your girlfriend will at 
least be able to spend more time with her dad. 


approach to money. That is, spendthrifts wish 
they had more discipline and tightwads wish 
they could loosen up. While contrasting spend- 
ing styles almost always lead to conflict, two 
spendthrift spouses can also have problems 
and two tightwads won't have much fun. 


Release: ЗогемМнов & FantaMag 


Му wife has changed. We've 
been married for 30 years, but 
three years ago she began to 
shut me out sexually. She has al- 
ways been Catholic, but now she 
is a serious Catholic. Her priest 
told her that since I’m Method- 
ist, did not get an annulment 
from my first marriage and 
did not marry her in a Catho- 
lic church, she will go to hell if 
we have sex. Under these new 
rules all we can do is exchange 
a friendly hug or kiss. Neither 
of us wants a divorce, but is 
she within her rights? Has she 
broken the marriage vows? Is 
our 29-year-old daughter now 
illegitimate in the eyes of the 
church? And is there anything 
I can substitute for my wife's 
lack of intimate love? I'm only 
human.—J.G., Dallas, Texas 

So now even postmarital sex is a 
sin? Technically the priest is right— 
since your first marriage was not 
annuiled, you are not married in 
the eyes of the church, and there- 
fore sex is forbidden, However, this 
can be fixed. Contact the marriage 
tribunal office at the local diocese 
and ask for the name of a compas- 
sionate priest who can guide you 
through the process of having your 
first marriage annulled. (It happens 
more often than you may think.) 
Once that is taken care of jour wife 
can ask the bishop for permission 
to marry а non-Catholic (or even 


© a non-Christian, which is known 


as a “dispensation from disparity 
of cult”), and you can be officially 
united by a priest in a Catholic 
church. Your daughter's legitimacy 
depends not on church but civil law, 
and since you were legally married 
that’s not an issue. 


Ih is my belief and unrepudiated 
claim that I and two Canadian 
women have shattered any pre- 
vious depth record for human 
sex by having a ménage А trois 
at 2,660 feet—just over half a 
mile—below sea level in the 
Idabel, a tourist submersible that 
I built, own and pilot.—Karl 
Stanley, Stanley Submarines, 
Roatán, Honduras 


We've been waiting for a letter 
like yours since 1999, when we 
noted that anyone attempting to 
join the mile-low club would have 
to do so іп a submersible or a South 
African gold mine, where the sex 


would be incredibly hot, though not in a good 
way. Bruce Jones, president of U.S. Subma- 
rines (ussubmarines.com), who builds luxury 
subs for private clients, says a number of the 
few dozen people in the world who own two- 
or three-person submersibles have told him 


33 


PLAYBOY 


format 


Storelags.com = Fres Magazines Download th True PDF 


34 


they've had sex while submerged but typically 
at no more than 1,000 feet. Because some 
small subs can dive to 20,000 feet and may 
soon be able to reach 36,000 feet, Jones sus- 
pects that within a few months two or three 
people will become charter members of the 
тйе-іош club, if they haven't already. How- 
ever, until a wealthy submariner makes a pub- 
lic claim, Captain Stanley and his passengers 
appear to have bragging rights. 


Two girlfriends have told me it’s not 
good for them to douche. Гш no doc- 
tor, but I can't figure out how rinsing the 
vagina once a month after a woman has 
her period does any harm. It’s not like 
their privates smell bad, but I feel better 
about cunnilingus if I know a woman has 
douched. Is there any science to support 
their position, or are they too lazy to stay 
as cleanas possible? And is there any way 
to bring it up in conversation?—B.L., 
Beverly Hills, California 

You can bring it up to end a conversation, 
but that’s about it. There is no need for a 
woman to douche; the vagina is one of the 
most efficient self-cleansing mechanisms ever 
devised. It’s also a finely balanced environ- 
ment designed to be slightly acidic; acid pre- 
vents the yeast that lives there from growing 
out of control, which will make the vagina 
unpalatable. And who wants that? Rinsing 
the center of the world of its healthy bacteria 
upsets that balance, and if there is an exist- 
ing infection, douching can push it into the 
uterus and fallopian tubes. 


Í have been taking Zoloft for depression 
and notice it puts а damper on my sex 
drive. Is there an herb 1 could use that 
is safe, or should I ask my doctor for 
Viagra?—J.T., Rochester, New York 

This is a common side effect of many anti- 
depressants, and some people become so dis- 
couraged they stop taking their meds. Ask your 
psychiatrist about putting the edge back with a 
supplemental dose of Wellbutrin or Remeron 
or by experimenting with antidepressants that 
don't have such a pronounced effect on libido 
such as Luvox, Celexa, Effexor or a drug the 
FDA approved earlier this year called Viibyrd. 
Some men have success with Viagra, Cialis, 
Levitra or over-the-counter yohimbe, while 
other patients take brief “drug holidays,” a 
technique pioneered by Dr. Anthony Roth- 
schild, a psychiatrist at the University of Mas- 
sachusetts Medical School. For a 1995 study 
he asked 30 depressed patients to take their 
last dose of the week on Thursday morning 
and the next dose on Sunday at noon. Patients 
taking Zoloft or Paxil reported significant 
improvement in their sex drive and function, 
but those on Prozac did not, probably because 
it takes longer to leave the body. The patients 
also reported no worsening of their depressive 
symptoms, though getting laid tends to make 
anyone feel better. 


You noted in January that Irv Gordon 
has put 2.8 million miles on his 1966 
Volvo P1800. One fact to keep in mind 


is that Gordon had only one mechanic 
work on the car for its first 35 years. This 
is of paramount importance because the 
tech will know what your car needs and 
can keep track of important mainte- 
nance. People who shop around for the 
best “deals” or rely on coupons wind up 
being shortchanged. In February you re- 
sponded to a reader who asked how long 
10 warm up his car. Your answer is spot- 
on (“the best way to warm up a cold car 
is to drive it”), but when you start your 
car, don’t turn on the heat or defroster 
and don't rev the motor. Let the engine 
idle for a minute, then switch on the heat 
and drive away gently.—David Solomon, 
Motor Watch.com, Butler, Maryland 

Good advice, thanks. We've decided the best 
method to warm up a car is to live where it 
doesn’t get cold. 


A reader in February wondered if he 
had a fetish because of his attraction 
to large breasts. One hypothesis is that 
breasts became a focal point for men only 
afier humans began walking upright. 
Perhaps this reader, like most males, is 
just highly evolved.—J.A., Portsmouth, 
New Hampshire 

This is exactly the type of brilliant reason- 
ing for which men never get credit. The idea 
that breasts are bipedal beacons was popular- 
ized by Desmond Morris in his 1967 best- 
seller, The Naked Ape. By his telling, early 
human males fixated on the ass because, like 
other animals, we penetrated females from 
behind. Once we started having sex face-to- 
face, breasts became a stand-in for the booty, 
complete with simulated butt cheeks (cleav- 
age). In his book The Mating Mind, evolu- 
tionary psychologist Geoffrey Miller writes, 
“The manifest sexual appeal of female breasts 
and buttocks seems subjectively obvious to all 
heterosexual male humans, and that obvious- 
ness is good evidence for these traits having 
arisen through male mate choice.” In other 
words, breasts exist because men like breasts. 


| live in the Cayman Islands during the 
winter. My neighbor has invited me for 
a day trip on his Gulfstream V to at- 
tend a Ferrari show in Florida. What gift 
should 1 bring? 1 don't know him well 
enough to know what he likes, and of- 
fering to pay for the fuel seems pointless 
considering his wealth.—A.M., George 
Town, Grand Cayman 

Two very nice bottles of champagne are 
appropriate tokens of your appreciation. 
Offering to chip in for the gas brings to mind 
far less exotic adventures such as college road 
trips and predawn car pools. 


In January a reader wrote that he and 
his wife had tried anal intercourse with- 
out success. My wife and I had the same 
problem but solved it with a bullet vibra- 
tor. While we're in the rear-entry posi- 
tion, my wife uses the vibe on her clito- 
ris; it's easier to penetrate her when she's 


aroused. PAR has o: ms that make her 
slorállags à Fantallag 


eyes roll back, and the contractions in 
her butt feel great around my cock. It’s 
to the point where my anal itch (that 
sounds bad) has been satisfied, but she 
continues to “make” me do it—M.V., 
Woodbridge, New Jersey 


Like the reader in January, my hus- 
band and 1 wanted to experiment with 
anal. When we started I felt discomfort, 
but then we switched to Astroglide. I 
also place an egg vibrator against my 
dit, which relaxes me and is extremely 
pleasurable.—K.A., Detroit, Michigan 
Thanks to you both for the suggestions. 
Arousal makes everything in life easier. 


Im interested in shaving with a straight 
razor because Гуе heard it makes your 
face as smooth as a baby’s butt. What do I 
need, and how do I apply the blade?—J.R., 
Boston, Massachusetts 

The first thing you will need is patience. 
“Chances are your first weeks or even 
months will yield results that are, at best, 
on par with those of a cartridge or safety 
razor,” writes Lynn Abrams, who has 
used a straight razor since 1973 after his 
grandfather treated him to a barbershop 
shave and who in 2000 founded the online 
Straight Razor Place. The most impor- 
tant tip for beginners is to make sure your 
blade is “shave ready,” i.e., hand-honed 
0 a sharpness that would startle Sweeney 
Todd. You'll also need soap or cream, a 
shaving brush (preferably badger hair) and 
a leather strop to maintain the edge. “Keep 
the blade angled at about 30 degrees and 
use extremely light pressure so the razor 
is just touching your face,” he notes. “Too 
much angle will cause a cut. Stretching the 
shin with your free hand is important as 
well. The principle is not beard elimination 
but beard reduction—use multiple passes, 
starting with the grain and then possibly 
adding across the grain and against the 
grain. Start by shaving just under the 
sideburns and slowly expand the area with 
cach shave as you become confident with the 
razor.” For more tips and discussion, visit 
straightrazorplace.com/srpwiki, or order 
Abrams’s instructional DVD. It runs for 
three and a half hours, which is not unex- 
pected. You can never know too much about 
putting a knife to your own throat. 


All reasonable questions—from fashion, food 
and drink, stereos and sports cars to dating 
dilemmas, taste and etiquette—will be per- 
sonally answered if the writer includes а 
self-addressed, stamped envelope. The most 
interesting, pertinent questions will be pre- 
sented in these pages. Write the Playboy Ad- 
visor, 680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, 
Illinois 60611, or send e-mail by visiting 
playboyadvisor.com. Our greatest-hits collec- 
tion, Dear Playboy Advisor, is available in 
bookstores and online; listen to the Advisor 
each week on Sirius/XM 99. 


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ў я 


sw HELEN THOMAS 


A candid conversation with the disgraced dean of the While House press corps 
about her rage against Israel, her sympathy for Palestinians and why she was fired 


For more than half a century, Helen Thomas 
oumed the most valuable piece of real estate in 
the White House briefing room. Her front-row 
seat at presidential press conferences and its atten- 
dant benefits—she was often called on first and 
usually ended the gatherings with a signature 
“Thank you, Mr. President” —made her the unof- 
ficial dean of the White House press corps. Her 
bold, irksome questions were like hot pokers to 10 
U.S. presidents, and Һет fearless approach rattled 
press secretaries and set a tone for generations of 
straight-shooting, badgering reporters. 

Last summer, still working full-time at 89, she 
saw her decades-long career fall to pieces after 
а two-minute video clip went viral on YouTube. 
A Long Island rabbi and blogger visiting the 
White House turned his camera on Thomas on 
May 27 and asked for "any comments on Israel." 
Thomas instantly shot back, “Tell them to get the 
hell out of Palestine,” adding that the Jews “can 
go home” to “Poland, Germany and America 
and everywhere else.” Endless media outrage 
ensued, prompting Thomas to issue an apology 
and abruptly “resign” from Hearst Newspapers 
on June 7. Her speaking agency dropped her, 
journalism schools and organizations rescinded 
awards named in her honor and she lost that 
prized seat in the White House. 

Thomas's comments were not a complete shock to 
those who follow her. In recent years she practically 


“I want people to understand why the Palestin- 
ians are upset. They are incarcerated and living 
in an open prison. I say to the Israelis, ‘Get out 
of people's homes” And why do they send ту 
American tax dollars to perpetuate it?” 


scolded presidents and their gatekeepers for favoring 
Israel. She had previously asked the White House 
about Israel’s “secret” nuclear arsenal and why 
President Obama did not condemn last May's Israeli 
attacks on the aid flotilla headed for Gaza. 

Born August 4, 1920, Thomas herself is of 
Arab descent. She was the seventh of nine chil- 
dren born in Winchester, Kentucky to Syrian-born 
emigrants from Tripoli, Lebanon. Her family soon 
moved to Detroit, where her father ran a grocery 
store even though he couldn't read or write in Eng- 
lish. News was often a topic around the house, 
and after college Thomas landed a job as a girl 
Friday at a Washington, D.C. neuspaper toward 
the end of World War 11. That led her to the copy 
desk and a cub reporter position and eventually 
to a job covering government bureaucracy for 
the wire service United Press International. She 
remained at UPI for much of her career. As White 
House correspondent from the Kennedy admin- 
istration on, Thomas had unusual prominence 
despite standing just under five feet tall. 

Famously direct, Thomas was especially force- 
ful with George W. Bush, whom she once called 
“the worst president in American history.” She was 
relentless about getting him to explain his decision 
to goto war in Iraq, asking over and over, “What 
was your real reason? What was it? Why did you 
go to war?" His minions promptly moved Thomas 
1o the back row of the briefing room. 


“I think Jews are wonderful people. They had 
to have the most depth. They were leaders in 
civil rights. They've always had the heart for 
others but not for Arabs, for some reason. Tm 
not anti-Jewish; I'm anti-Zionist.” 


Thomas now writes a column for the Falls 
Church News-Press in Virginia. She still wakes 
early to read various newspapers delivered to 
her door, and she's still out many nights talk- 
ing politics at favorite D.C. haunts. 

Contributing Editor David Hochman got the 
idea to call Thomas to see if she wanted to talk. 
“She picked up the phone and said yes immedi- 
ately,” he says. “I think she really appreciated 
the opportunity to do a long-format Q&A to 
express her side of what happened.” 

Based in Los Angeles, Hochman flew to 
Washington to meet Thomas at her apartment 
near Dupont Circle. They also broke bread at her 
favorite Palestinian restaurant. “Iwas curious 
whether I'd find the ranting woman from the 
YouTube video,” Hochman says. “She turned out 
to be a person in full possession of her faculties 
and impressively articulate. Mostly she was the 
Thomas the public has known forever: feisty, 
passionate and not afraid to speak up.” Does 
Hochman, who is Jewish, believe Thomas is an 
anti-Semite? “ГИ let the reader decide. But I 
did think it was amusing when she presented a 
plate of ham sandwiches and then said, ‘Oh, 1 
hope I haven't served the wrong thing." 


PLAYBOY: So is this how you pictured 
retirement? 
THOMAS: I'm not retired! I was fired. In fact, 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY KEN CEDENO 
“I'm not retired! I was fired. ГИ die with ту 
boots on. Гт still writing and ГИ continue to 
write and ask hard questions. I will never bow 
ош of journalism. I knew what I was doing—I 
was going for broke. You finally get fed up.” 


37 


PLAYBOY 


38 


CECE COM 

my boóts'oñ. I'm БОЙ writing 
and ГЇЇ continue to write and ask hard ques- 
tions. I will never bow out of journalism. 
PLAYBOY: Take us back to the White House 
courtyard on May 27 when Rabbi David 
Nesenoff pointed his camera at you and 
asked for your comments on Israel. 
THOMAS: He pulled that thing out like a 
jackknife. I mean, he started out very nice, 
introducing me to these two young boys 
who wanted to be in journalism. He said, 
“Got any advice? Go for it.” I didn’t know 
it was Jewish Heritage Month, which is 
why he was at the White House and also 
why he asked “So what do you think of 
Israel?” That's when I said, “They should 
get the hell out of Palestine.” 

PLAYBOY: Did you realize how controversial 
those words were as you spoke them? 
THOMAS: I knew Pd hit the third rail. You 
cannot say anything about Israel in this 
country. But I’ve lived with this cause 
for many years. Everybody knows my 
feelings that the Palestinians have been 
shortchanged in every way. Sure, the 
Israelis have a right to exist—but where 
they were born, not to come and take 
someone else’s home. I’ve had it up to 
here with the violations against the Pal- 
estinians. Why shouldn't I say it? I knew 
exactly what I was doing—I was going 
for broke. I had reached the point of no 
return, You finally get fed up. 

PLAYBOY: What was life like in the immedi- 
ate aftermath as millions started viewing 
the video on YouTube? 

THOMAS: I went into self-imposed house 
arrest for two weeks. It was a case of 
“know thyself.” Isn't that what Socrates 
said? I wanted to see if I was remorseful— 
and I wasn't. 

PLAYBOY: Did the phone ring off the hook? 
THOMAS: No. Nobody called. But I still 
have some friends in the White House 
press pool, who reached out to me. I 
understand they formed Jews for Helen 
Thomas at one point. 

PLAYBOY: That’s interesting. 

THOMAS: І also heard from Jimmy Carter 
He called a few weeks later. 

PLAYBOY: He did? What did he say? 
THOMAS: Basically he was sympathetic. He 
talked about the Israelis in the Middle 
East, the violations. It was very nice of 
him to call, but I don’t want to get him 
into trouble. 

PLAYBOY: His reaction certainly wasn’t 
typical. 

THOMAS: No. Every columnist and com- 
mentator jumped on me immediately 
as anti-Semitic. Nobody asked me to 
explain myself. Nobody said, "What did 
you really mean?" 

PLAYBOY: What did you really mean? 
THOMAS: Well, there's no understanding of 
the Palestinians at all. 1 mean, they're liv- 
ing there and these people want to come 
and take their homes and land and water 
and kill their children and kill them. How 
many are still under arrest in Israel— 
never been charged, never been tried, 
never been convicted? Thousands. Why? 


Meanwhile, we keep giving Israel every- 
thing. Our government bribes the Israelis 
by saying, "Please come to the [negoti- 
ating] table and we'll give you this and 
we'll give you that." Obama's last offer to 
the Israelis was $22 billion in new fighter 
planes [Editor's note: The offer was actually 
just under $3 billion], a veto at the UN for 
anything pro-Arab or pro-Palestinian 
and a three-month freeze on the coloni- 
zation and settlers. І mean, what is this? 
They gave away the store, just as Rea- 
gan and every other president did. Why 
do you have to bribe people to do the 
right thing? I don't want my government. 
bribing anybody. I want them demand- 
. Stop all this aid to Isracl when they're 
killing people! 

PLAYBOY: It was your follow-up comment, 
when you said the Jews should go back to 
Poland, Germany and America, that really 
infuriated people. 

THOMAS: Well, that immediately evoked 
the concentration camps. What I meant 
was they should stay where they are 
because they're not being persecuted— 
not since World War II, not since 1945. 
If they were, we sure would hear about it. 


I love the new revolutionary 
spirit in the Middle East. 
The power of the people is 

removing ruthless dictators 
in Tunisia and Egypt—and 
that’s only the beginning. 


Instead, they initiated the Jackson-Vanik 
law, which said the U.S. would not trade 
with Russia unless it allowed unlimited 
Jewish emigration. But it was not immi- 
gration to the United States, which would 
have been fine with me. It was to go to 
Palestine and uproot these people, throw 
them out of their homes, which they have 
done through several wars. That's not fair. 
I want people to understand why the Pal- 
estinians are upset. They are incarcerated 
and living in an open prison. I say to the 
Israelis, “Get out of people’s homes!” It’s 
unacceptable to have soldiers knocking 
on a door at three in the morning and 
saying, “This is my home.” And forcing 
people out of homes they’ve lived in for 
centuries? What is this? How can anybody 
accept it? I mean, Jewish-only roads? 
Would anyone tolerate something like 
that in America? White-only roads? 
PLAYBOY: You mean Israeli-only roads, 
not Jewish only, right? [Editor's note: 
Israel closes certain roads to Palestinians, 
but roads are open to all Israeli citizens and 
to other nationals, regardless of religious 
background.] 

THOMAS: Isracli-only roads, okay. But it's 


more than semantics because the Palestin- 
ians are deprived of owning these roads. 
This is their land. I'm sorry, but we're 
talking about foreigners who came and 
said, “God gave this land to us.” [Former 
Israeli prime minister Yitzhak] Rabin 
said, “Where’s the deed?” I mean, come 
on! Do you know that an Arab Palestinian 
trying to go home to see his mother has 
to go through 10 checkpoints and then 
is held there, while an American tour- 
ist can go through right like that? The 
Palestinian people have to carry their 
kids to hospitals and are not allowed to 
drive cars and so forth. What is this? No 
American Jew would tolerate that sort of 
treatment here against blacks or anyone 
else. Why do they allow it over there? 
And why do they send my American tax 
dollars to perpetuate it? 

PLAYBOY: Do you acknowledge that some 
Palestinian behavior over the years, 
including hijacking and the use of sui- 
cide bombers, has been wrong and has 
added to the problem? 

THOMAS: In an ideal world passive resis- 
tance and world disarmament would be 
great. Unfortunately we don't live in that 
world. Of course I don’t condone any vio- 
lence against anyone. But who wouldn't 
fight for their country? What would 
any American do if their land was being 
taken? Remember Pearl Harbor. The Pal- 
estinian violence is to protect what little 
remains of Palestine. The suicide bombers 
act out of despair and desperation. Three 
generations of Palestinians have been 
forced out of their homes—by Israelis— 
and into refugee camps. And the Israelis 
are still bulldozing Palestinians’ homes in 
East Jerusalem. Remember, Menachem 
Begin invented terrorism as his MO—and 
bragged about it in his first book. That's 
how Israel was created, aided and abet- 
ted by U.S. money and arms. To annex 
and usurp an occupied people's coun- 
try is illegal under international law. The 
Israelis know that, but their superior mili- 
tary force has always prevailed against the 
indigenous people. 

PLAYBOY: What's your reaction to the 
changes sweeping through the Arab world 
as throngs of demonstrators take to the 
streets across the region? 

THOMAS: I love the new revolutionary 
spirit in the Middle East and North Africa. 
The power of the people is removing 
ruthless dictators in Tunisia and Egypt— 
and that’s only the beginning. There is no 
stopping this free new movement. The 
Arab world is waking up to the possi 
ties of democratic life and freedom for its 
people, and I am happy to see this hap- 
pening in my lifetime. 

PLAYBOY: Do you have a personal antipa- 
thy toward Jews themselves? 

THOMAS: No. I think they're wonderful 
people. They had to have the most depth. 
They were leaders in civil rights. They've 
always had the heart for others but not 
for Arabs, for some reason. I’m not anti- 
Jewish; I'm anti-Zionist. І am anti Israel 


taking what doesn’t belong to it. If you 
have a home and you're kicked out of that 
home, you don’t come and kick someone 
else out. Anti-Semite? The Israelis are not 
even Semites! They're Europeans, and 
they ve come from somewhere else. But 
even if they were Semites, they would 
still have no right to usurp other people's 
land. There are some Israelis with a con- 
science and a big heart, but unfortunately 
they are too few. 

PLAYBOY: In the wake of your anti-Israel 
comments, a blogger from The Atlantic 
argued there’s really no distinction 
between anti-Zionism and anti-Semitism. 
He wrote, “Thomas was fired for saying 
that the Jews of Israel should move to 
Europe, where their relatives had been 
slaughtered in the most devastating act 
of genocide in history. She believes that 
once the Jews are evacuated from their 
ancestral homeland, the world’s only Jew- 
ish country should be replaced by what 
would be the world’s 23rd Arab country. 
She believes that Palestinians deserve a 
country of their own but that the Jews 
are undeserving of a nation-state in their 
homeland, which has had a continuous 
Jewish presence for 3,000 years...” 
THOMAS: [Interrupts] Did a Jew 
write this? [Editor’s note: The writer is 
Jeffrey Goldberg.) 

PLAYBOY: “...and has been the location of 
two previous Jewish states. This sounds 
like a very anti-Jewish position to me, not 
merely an anti-Zionist position.” 
THOMAS: This is a rotten piece. I mean it's 
absolutely biased and totally—who are 
these people? Why do they think they're so 
deserving? The slaughter of Jews stopped 
with World War IL. I had two brothers 
and many relatives who fought in that 
war against Hitler. We believed in it. Every 
American family was in that fight. But they 
were liberated since then. And yet they 
carry on the victimization. American peo- 
ple do not know that the Israeli lobbyists 
have intimidated them into believing every 
Jew is a persecuted victim forever—while 
they are victimizing Palestinians. 
PLAYBOY: Let's get to something else you 
said more recently. In a speech in Detroit 
last December, you told an Arab group, “We 
are owned by the propagandists against the 
Arabs. There's no question about that. Con- 
gress, the White House and Hollywood, 
Wall Street, are owned by the Zionists. No 
question, in my opinion. They put their 
money where their mouth is. We're being 
pushed into a wrong direction in every 
way.” Do you stand by that statement? 
THOMAS: Yes, I do. I know it was horren- 
dous, but I know it’s true. Tell me it’s not 
true and ГП be happy to be contradicted. 
I'm just saying they're using their power, 
and they have power in every direction. 
PLAYBOY: That stereotype of Jewish control 
has been around for more than a century. 
Do you actually think there's a secret Jew- 
ish conspiracy at work in this country? 
THOMAS: Not a secret. It’s very open. What 
do you mean secret? 


PLAYBOY: Well, for instance, explain the 
connection between Hollywood and 
what’s happening with the Palestinians. 
THOMAS: Power over the White House, 
power over Congress. 

PLAYBOY: By way of contributions? 
THOMAS: Everybody is in the pocket of 
the Israeli lobbies, which are funded by 
wealthy supporters, including those from 
Hollywood. Same thing with the financial 
markets. There’s total control. 

PLAYBOY: Who are you thinking about 
specifically? Who are the Jews with the 
most influence? 

THOMAS: I’m not going to name names. 
What, am I going to name the Ponzi guy 
on Wall Street [Bernard Madoff] or the 
others? No. 

PLAYBOY: Then how do you make the claim 
that Jews are running the country? 
THOMAS: I want you to look at the Con- 
gress that just came in. Do you think 
[New York Democratic senator Charles] 
Schumer and Lehtinen—whatever her 
name is—in Florida [Republican repre- 
sentative Ileana Ros-Lehtinen, a strong 
supporter of Israel] are going to be pro- 
Arab? No. But they’re going to be very 


I resent that question! I 
thoroughly resent it. Why are 
you interviewing me if I'm 
crazy? It wouldn’t be worth 
it to you, would it? You 
should apologize. 


influential. Eric Cantor, the majority 
leader of the Republicans, do you think 
he's going to be for the Arabs? Hell no! 
Pm telling you, you cannot get 330 votes 
in Congress for anything that’s pro-Arab. 
Nothing. If you're not in, you're eased 
out, just as Senator William Fulbright was 
in the 1960s [after claiming that millions 
of tax-deductible dollars from American 
philanthropies were being sent to Israel 
and then funneled back to the U.S. for dis- 
tribution to organizations with pro-Israel 
positions]. Congressman Paul Findley 
from a little old rural district in Illinois 
made the mistake of shaking hands with 
Yasir Arafat years ago. It ended up cost- 
ing him his reelection. He later wrote a 
book called They Dare to Speak Out about 
how impossible it is to have а position in 
this country that takes on Israel. Maybe 
there is a handful that can, but in gen- 
eral you cannot speak against any Zionist 
movement in this country. 

PLAYBOY: Do you begrudge people like 
Steven Spielberg? He created the Shoah 
Foundation to chronicle the life stories 
of Holocaust survivors. What's your feel- 
ing about him? 


THOMAS: There's nothing wrong with 
remembering it, but why do we have to 
constantly remember? We're not at fault. 
Т mean, if they're going to put a Holo- 
caust museum in every city in Germany, 
that’s fine with me. But we didn’t do this to 
the Jews. Why do we have to keep paying 
the price and why do they keep oppress- 
ing the Palestinians? Do the Jews ever 
look at themselves? Why are they always 
right? Because they have been oppressed 
throughout history, І know. And they have 
this persecution. That's true, but they 
shouldn’t use that to dominate. 

PLAYBOY: In America you're talking about a 
relatively small community. Jews make up 
roughly two percent of the U.S. popula- 
tion. Ona worldwide level, the percentage 
is well under one percent. Those numbers 
don't exactly spell domination. 

THOMAS: I get where you're leading with 
this. You know damn well the power 
they have. It isn’t the two percent. It’s 
real power when you own the White 
House, when you own these other places 
in terms of your political persuasion. Of 
course they have power. You don't deny 
that. You're Jewish, aren't you? 

PLAYBOY: Yes. 

THOMAS: That’s what I thought. Well, you 
know damn well they have power. 
PLAYBOY: Why did it take you so long to 
speak out like this? 

THOMAS: It hasn’t taken that long. I’ve 
told all my friends and so forth. This has 
been an issue for me since I first came 
to Washington. 

PLAYBOY: You've kept quiet publicly since 
the 1940s? 

THOMAS: It was certainly on my mind back 
then. The United Nations Partition Plan 
was being debated at the UN and in the 
Arab community, and I knew what the 
Arabs were going through since I have 
an Arab background. I was part of that 
community. Like I said, Гуе never hesi- 
tated to tell my views to all my friends. 
They knew exactly where I stood. But I 
finally wanted to speak the truth. And І 
think I'm old enough to get away with it. 
Well, almost. Not quite. 

PLAYBOY: Were you surprised that people 
like David Duke and even Hezbollah came 
out and said you were courageous and a 
hero for them? 

THOMAS: І don't want to be a hero to any- 
one. I just want to be me, and I want to 
tell the truth. I want everyone to accept 
the truth. It's horrible to say some of my 
best friends are Jews, but they are and 
they have been. 

PLAYBOY: Don’t take this the wrong way, 
but the question many people have 
is, Has Helen Thomas lost her mind? 
You're 90, after all. Do you still have all 
your faculties? 

THOMAS: | resent that question! I thor- 
oughly resent it. Why are you interviewing 
me if I'm crazy? It wouldn't be worth it to 
you, would it? 


THOMAS 1 reach Rou танец 


PLAYBOY 


omat 


i True POF 


Storelags.com - Fres Magazines Downie 


40 


PLAYBOY: But it’s the question everyone 
wants answered—and you're the one 
who always tells journalists to ask the 
hard questions 

THOMAS: They want to know if I'm crazy? 
You have to be crazy to criticize Israel? 
You have to be crazy to criticize tyranny? 
I learned before Hitler that you have 
to stand up for something. You have 
to stand up. We always have to take a 
stand against human tyranny wherever 
it occurs. [pauses] Would you like a Coke 
or a ginger ale? 

PLAYBOY: No, thank you. 

THOMAS: We have Diet Coke. Wine? 
PLAYBOY: No, we're good. 

THOM scotch? 

PLAYBOY: No, thank you. How’s your 
health, by the way? 

THOMAS: I'm a little rickety. 

PLAYBOY: Do people live a long time in 
your family? 

THOMAS: 1 had a brother who just died 
at 100. 

PLAYBOY: Wow. How long did your 
parents live? 

THOMAS: Into their 60s. ГА like to live a 
long life. 

PLAYBOY: Do you fear dying? 

THOMAS: No, but I’m not ready to go. You 
never know, though. It's fate. 

PLAYBOY: Life is unpredictable, that's 
for sure. 

THOMAS: There's an Arab expression, 
“Maktub.” 

PLAYBOY: Which means? 

THOMAS: “It is written.” 

PLAYBOY: Meaning whatever will be will be? 
THOMAS: I don't know if I'm that fatal- 
istic, but yes. 

PLAYBOY: Do you picture heaven in any 
way? What would heaven be for you? 
THOMAS: I never thought about heaven 
per se. I think when you're dead, you're 
dead. Ifanything happens after that, you 
just hope you don’t go to hell. 

PLAYBOY: When people write your 
obituary—— 

THOMAS: [Eyes suddenly fill with tears] 
Oh, I know what they're going to say: 
"anti-Semite." 

PLAYBOY: That has to bother you after all 
your years of hard work. 

Starts to cry] I'm a reporter. 
What's making you emotional? 
THOMAS: I'm a reporter. [5085] 1 know 
damn well what they're going to say 
because they have their print, they have 
their ink. They don't give a damn about 
the truth. They have to have it their way, 
and they'll be writing my obituary. 
PLAYBOY: Isn't that their Job? 

THOMAS: Well, I don't want to be treated 
that way. [pauses but continues to cry] I'm 
sorry. But what am I supposed to do, love 
every Jew because they want to take Pal- 
estine? It's a real cause with me. They 
should have a conscience and they don't 
if that’s what they're going to do. Is there 
such a thing as a conscience? I think there 
is. Stop taking what doesn't belong to you! 
Stop killing these people. These children 


throw stones at them, and they shoot 
them. Where is the Jewish conscience? I 
want to know. Have some feeling. They 
can't just come in and say, "This is my 
home," knock on the door at three in 
the morning and have the Israeli mili- 
tary take them out. That's what happens. 
And that's what happened to the Jews in 
Germany. Why do they inflict that same 
pain on people who did nothing to them? 
[takes another break to compose herself] 
Isure didn't want to cry. But I do care 
about people. And I don't care what they 
write about me. They ve already written 
it. My family will be disappointed in me 
for crying. 
PLAYBOY: We in the public never get to scc 
you cry. Helen Thomas has always been 
the picture of toughness and strength. 
THOMAS: Oh, I've cried all my life. I'm a 
crybaby. It’s not that I’m soft; I just cry at 
the drop of a hat. 
PLAYBOY: Let's shift gears. You have 
literally had a front-row seat on the 
presidency. What should the American. 
people know about how the White House 
really operates? 
THOMAS: They don't know how intense 


I suppose that's the reason 
we have the Tea Party. People 
are unhappy. The trouble is, 
swinging to the right is danger- 
ous. We end up losing so much 
in the rush to conservatism. 


the pressure from different special inter- 
ests is on the president and congressmen. 
Politicians more often than not give in to 
that pressure. These elected officials are 
supposed to be doing what we want them 
to do. But I suppose that’s the reason we 
have the Tea Party. People are unhappy. 
The trouble is, swinging to the right is 
always dangerous. We end up losing so 
much in the rush to conservatism. But 
even Obama has fallen down that hole. 
He’s pushing a conservative agenda. 
PLAYBOY: The right doesn’t see Obama that 
way. How is Obama conservative? 
THOMAS: Look at Guantánamo. With a 
stroke of a pen, the day after Obama took 
the oath he should have said, “We're get- 
ting the hell out of here.” Same thing with 
Iraq and Afghanistan. There's no reason 
for us to be in a war. "They'll all come 
here if we don't go there.” That is balo- 
ney. Go halfway around the world to kill 
and die? Why? Now the veterans can’t 
get jobs. I sce stories every day about sol- 
diers being liberated from Iraq only to 
end up unemployed. Where is Obama? 
How can he continue these Bush poli- 
cies that were so mean and rotten and 


Release: StoreMags & Fantallag 


unjust? People had this impression that 
Obama would be a peaceful president, 
but there he is, as hawkish as any of 
them. And Hillary Clinton is no liberal 
either. She put out the word to “capture 
or kill” for Afghanistan. What would she 
do that for, really? Capture or kill? What 
does this mean? I thought, naively per- 
haps, that she and Obama would bring 
change, that they would be different. І 
assumed wrongly that they would be lib- 
eral because he’s black and she’s a woman. 
It's maddening. 

PLAYBOY: Who's the greatest president 
you've covered? 

THOMAS: Well, I think Carter was most 
impressive from the perspective of pure 
intellect. He was the smartest, if not the 
most effectual. A man of bold ideas and 
great wisdom. But that doesnt mean 
he was a great president. He wasn't a 
schmoozer. He didn’t know how to do 
that part of the job. 

PLAYBOY: Incidentally, Carter recently said 
America is ready for its first gay president. 
Do you think that’s true? 

THOMAS: Why not? Absolutely. Don’t 
underestimate America. 

PLAYBOY: So who was the greatest presi- 
dent you’ve covered? 

THOMAS: ГА say it was a draw. Kennedy 
and Johnson both impressed me the 
most for knowing the country, know- 
ing how to legislate and how to get 
things done and for having monumental 
ideals. They were presidents who served 
during remarkable times and lived up to 
those times. 

PLAYBOY: Then there was Richard Nixon. 
Why didn’t you see Watergate coming? 
THOMAS: Because we were on the 
body watch. 

PLAYBOY: Meaning what? 

THOMAS: When you're with a wire service, 
you're always with the president. You're 
always trailing him; you're always there 
when he’s in public. You don’t have time 
to chase the backstory. I mean, I didn’t 
think Nixon was totally honest, but I 
didn’t know about Watergate per se 
because when you're following the presi- 
dent you can't go digging. 

PLAYBOY: You were the only female print 
reporter to accompany Nixon on his land- 
mark visit to China in 1972. What’s your 
lasting memory from that trip? 

THOMAS: Everything. It was a magnifi- 
cent trip—eight days when you never 
wanted to sleep you were so afraid to miss 
something. Everything was a story: what 
the Chinese wore, what they ate, even 
what I ate. 1 would call my office and 
say President Nixon was going to meet 
with so-and-so, and they'd say, “No, wait 
a minute. We want to know what your 
room is like and what you're having for 
breakfast.” Every reporter in Washing- 
ton wanted to be on that trip, but it was 
very limited. 

PLAYBOY: How do you explain your ability 
to get access like that? Nobody else had. 
the front-row (continued on page 102) 


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- rother Guy Consolmagno is 58 years old, with a thick 
beard, round glasses and an easy manner. The reli- 
gious garb he wears in public may be misleading. While, 
Consolmagno is a man of the cloth, most of his life has 
been focused less on God than on the details of God’s 


DEREN 


THE CELESTIAL SUPERMARKET 


WHAT ASTEROIDS ARE WORTH ON THE OPEN MARKET TODAY 


ASTEROIDS ARE BIG ROCKS HURTLING THROUGH SPACE, PACKED WITH PRECIOUS 
ORE. CATCHING UP TO ONE DOING MACH 3 ISN'T EASY, BUT MANY EXPERTS BELIEVE 
THAT WITH TODAY'S TECHNOLOGY IT’S JUST AS EASY TO MINE ASTEROIDS IN DEEP 
SPACE AS IT IS TO DRILL FOR OIL IN DEEP OCEAN. HOW MUCH WEALTH IS FLOATING 
AROUND UP THERE? JOIN US ON A TOUR OF THE GREAT SUPERMARKET IN THE SKY. 


ROCK STAR NASA landed a probe on 433 Eros, pictured above, in 2001. The aster- 
oid contains, among other things, hundreds of trillions of dollars’ worth of platinum. 


creation—specifically those that involve 


the greater cosmos. Brother Guy, as 
сіст, is a staff astronomer at the 
Vatican Observatory and curator of its 
A Vatican astrono- 
mer, in common parlance 
en that Galileo wa 
life impr 


heresy, th 


meteorite collection 


з condemned to 
onment for his heliocentric 
he idea that the church now 
employs star watchers says a lot about 
how far we've come. Brother Guy is one 


of the world's leading experts on the 


evolution of small bodies in the solar 
system, a Ph.D. who has held teaching 
positions at both Harvard and MIT. 
In recent years he has become the 


conscience for a new industrial fron- 
tier that is astronomical in more ways 
than one—the mining of asteroids for 
me and ores. 

He first broached the topic in 2008 in 
a spe n at the Manreza Sympo- 
sium in Hungary. "On the onc hand," he 
said, "it's at. You've now taken all of 
this dirty industry off the surface of the 
earth. On the other hand, you've puta 
whole lot of people out of work. If you've. 
got a robot doing the mining, why not 
another robot doing the manufacturing? 
And now you've just put all of China out 
k. What are the ethical implica 
tions of this kind of major shil 


of worl 


433 EROS 

Named after the Greek god of love, 
Eros (pictured) is the second-largest 
near-Earth asteroid. Think of it as a 
34-kilometer-long stony eggplant. It’s 
one of the better-studied space rocks. 
In 2001 NASA’s NEAR Shoemaker 
probe landed on Eros and discovered 
a treasure trove. According to Jeffrey 
Kargel of the University of Arizona, 
Eros contains (by today’s market value) 
about $657 trillion worth of platinum, 
$110 trillion of rhodium and $46 trillion 
of gold. But, he adds, these numbers 
are “supremely ridiculous” because any 
large haul would collapse the market 
for these metals. 


16 PSYCHE 
One of the biggest M-type asteroids, 
16 Psyche appears—through spec- 
tral analysis—to be mostly copper 
and nickel. Assuming it has an aver- 
age meteorite composition, 16 Psyche 
contains 3,170 cubic miles of nickel 
(worth $27 million trillion on today’s 
market) and 113 cubic miles of cop- 
per (worth $3.1 quadrillion). Here 
is another way to look at it: "The 
amount of highly precious metals on 
16 Psyche totals six cubic miles,” says 
Professor Kargel, “which would f 
8,200 Dallas Cowboys stadiums.” 


2001 ҒЕЗО 

It's 200 meters long, oblong and flying 
swiftly. FE90, a potentially hazardous 
asteroid, made its last near-Earth pass 
in June 2009, enabling scientists to 
take a close look at it. By Kargel’s 
conservative calculations, FE90 con- 
tains about 41,000 kilograms of gold 
(worth about $1.8 billion on today’s 
market), 215,000 kilograms of palla- 
dium (some $5.3 billion) and another 
17 billion kilograms of nickel (about 
$417 billion). With those numbers, it’s 
no wonder President Obama is com- 
mitted to landing astronauts on an 
asteroid by 2025. 


What's shocking is not just that a 
Vatican 5 taking asteroid 
mining seriously (and yes, asteroid min 
ing requires spaceships to catch rocky 
orbs moving thousands of miles an 


tronomer 


hour, mine them for massive amounts 
1 bring them back to 


other Guy is certain enot 


of res 
Earth), E 
of this eventuality in the near future to 


зитсев ar 


begin considering the moral dilemma 

that will result 

all this may seem far-fetched 
s surrounding Brother Guy's 

science fiction has turned into 
1. Tn 2005 the 

ceeded in landing a 


science f apanese suc 


and last year that probe 


- samples. 


а confirmed у pable 
jid mining,” says Brother Guy 

What does this mean? According to 
renowned astronomer John Lewis, Uni- 
versity of Arizona professor emeritus and 
author of the now classic Mini the 
may 

ch person cur- 
xperts believe 


z on Earth, and 
the time will soon r the harvest to 
begin. As explained by Eric Anderson, co 
засе Adventu 
space tourism company th 


founder of s (the private 
sent million- 
aire Dennis Tito to the International Space 
Station): “All the pieces are in place. We 
have the technology, we have the market 
impetus, and we have the will.” 


Fifty years ago this month the Soviets 
rocketed the first manned flight into the 
cosmos. Since that day some of human- 
ity's most ambitious dreams have been 
realized. We've launched stations, 
photographed the decpest crevices of 
the solar system, even swung a golf club 
on the moon. The notion of what is pos- 
sible and what is not changes with every 
passing year 

Asteroid mining is а dream that has 
been percolating for some time. It first 
appeared in the 1890s amid the writ- 
ings of the great Russian rocket scientist 
Konstantin Tsiolkovsky—who pioneered 
steering thrusters, multistage chemi- 
cal rockets, space suits, space stations, 
spinning vehicles to produce artificial 

avity and, really, many of the ide 
use off-world today. The idea made its 
mainstream debut in 1932 with the pub- 
lication of Clifford Simak’s short story 

The Asteroid of Gold,” wherein the 
brothers Vernon and Vince Drake earn 
their keep as space miners. 

By the early 1940s asteroid mining had 
become a sci-fi mainstay. A libertarian ethos 
infused these tales. Miners, usually known 
as “rock rats,” were seen as frontiersmen 
and asteroids as the new Wild West. This 
theme progressed until the 1970s and 
1980s, when asteroid mining bec 
ı hard-right antienvironmental fairy 
tale—don't worry about using up ай the 

arth because we can go into 
м more. Outside the space 


sin 


тех 
space and 
community, this is where things still stand. 
But inside the community, a tectonic shift 
has occurred in the 
What bridged the 
of recent space missions. 
launched by NAS. ruary 199€ 
Known as the Nea Asteroid Rendez 
Shoemaker, this probe became the first 


es on 


Ap Y 
The first was 


unmanned spacecraft to keep up with an 
asteroid. Asteroids are rocks that orbit the 


sun. Their size can range from pebbles 
to small planets. In our solar system the 


vast majority (c d on page 119) 


FIFTY YEARS AGO THIS MONTH, 
FIRST MAN ROCKETED 
KICKING THE USA-VS.- 


APRIL 12, 1961: Soviet Yuri Gagarin, 
aboard the Vostok 1, becomes the first 
man in space. “Legs and arms weighed 
nothing,” he reports on return. “Objects 
were swimming іп the cabin.... І could 
have gone on flying through space for- 
ever.” Point: USSR 

MAY 5, 1961: Aboard the Freedom 7, 
Alan Shepard becomes the first Amer- 
ican in space. Before blastoff he utters 
what is now known as Shepard's Prayer: 
“Don't fuck up, Shepard.” Point: USA 


FEBRUARY 20, 1962: John Glenn is the 
first American to orbit Earth, reaching 
17,000 mph. Point: USA 

MARCH 18, 1965: Cosmonaut Alexei 
Leonov conducts the first space walk. 
The Los Angeles Times: “The sight of 
Leonov turning somersaults drama- 
tizes once again the Soviet Union’s 
substantial lead in manned space 
flight.” Point: USSR 

APRIL 23, 1967: When the Soviets’ 
Soyuz 1 crashes, Vladimir Komarov 
becomes the first space fatality. Minus 
point: USSR 

JULY 20, 1969: Neil Armstrong steps 
onto the moon, “That's one small step 
for man,” he says, “one giant leap for 
mankind.” Point; USA 

DECEMBER 15, 1970: The Soviet capsule 
Venera 7 arrives on Venus, becoming the 
first man-made object to successfully 
land on another planet. Point: USSR 
FEBRUARY 6, 1971: Alan Shepard 
becomes the first person to golf on the 
moon. His shot with a six-iron goes “miles 
and miles and miles.” Point: USA 

JULY 17, 1975: When Аройо 18 (USA) 
and Soyuz 19 (USSR) rendezvous, 
the Cold War superpowers become 
the first nations to meet in space. 


THE 
INTO THE COSMOS, 
SPACE RACE 
INTO HIGH GEAR. WHO CAME OUT ON TOP? 
A BOX SCORE 


Points: USA and USSR 


JULY 20, 1976: NASA's Viking 1 touches 
down at Chryse Planitia, becoming the 
first spacecraft to successfully land and 
conduct studies on Mars. Point: USA 
AUGUST 20, 1977: America’s Voyager 
2 blasts off. Its mission: to research 
the outer planets. It executes the first 
Uranus (in 1986) and Neptune (1989) 
flybys. Two points: USA 

APRIL 12, 1981: The U.S. launches the 
first reusable manned space shuttle, 
Columbia, Point: USA 

JANUARY 28, 1986: The space shuttle 
Challenger explodes after lifting off 
from Kennedy Space Center, killing 
all seven crew members. The disaster 
is viewed by millions on live television. 
Minus point: USA 

FEBRUARY 20, 1986: The core mod- 
ule of the USSR's Mir space station is 
launched. Mir supports human habita- 
tion for 14 years. Point: USSR 
OCTOBER 6, 1990: In a joint U.S.- 
European effort, Ulysses launches. The 
probe uses Jupiter's gravitational force 
to slingshot to the sun, where it begins 
the most thorough of all heliosphere 
studies, Point: USA 


NOVEMBER 20, 1998: A Russian rocket 
deploys the first component of the Inter- 
national Space Station, a multinational 
effort named Zarya. Point: Russia 
FEBRUARY 12, 2001: NASA's NEAR 
Shoemaker space probe makes the 
world's first landing on an asteroid, 
433 Eros (opposite page). Point: USA 
OCTOBER 4, 2004: SpaceShipOne, 
built by genius engineer Burt Rutan, 
wins the $10 million Ansari X Prize for 
the first civilian aircraft in space (two 
flights in two weeks). Point: USA 


FINAL SCORE: 
USA 11 
5 


N 50 YEARS 
(ІМ SPACE 


In April 1961, 50 years ago, Yuri Gagarin 
became the first man to venture into space. 
A short photo history of humanity's ulti- 
mate adventure (clockwise from top left) 
GAGARIN aboard the Vostok 7 in April 1961. 
URANUS photographed by NASA's Voy- 
ager 2 spacecraft in the mid-1980s; in the 
foreground Is the planet’s moon MIRANDA. 
The surface of MARS as photographed by 
the Viking 7 probe, which landed on the 
planet in 1976. The shuttle COLUMB/A—the 
first reusable manned spaceship—blasts 
off on April 12, 1981. Soviet cosmonaut 
ALEXEI LEONOV conducts the first space 
walk on March 18, 1965. The U.S.’s third 
trip to the moon took flight on January 
31, 1971; this shot shows astronauts ALAN 
SHEPARD (left) and EDGAR MITCHELL. 
To signify post-Cold War unity, the Rus- 
sians and Americans rendezvous aboard 
MIR space station on June 29, 1995; pic- 
tured is American mission commander 
ROBERT GIBSON and Russian mission 
commander VLADIMIR DEZHUROV. 


Hera eee cen 


“Take off your pants and let's get down to business. ..!" 


47 


ир _ 


N Nields | 
ж. photography by Sheryl 


StoreMags. com (Free Magazines Download| e EDH 


Hawaii Ғіуе-05 
is a triple 
threat: actor, singer-songwriter 
and now Playboy cover girl. Climb 
inside her secret fantasy retreat 


aryn Manning is a media hurricane. not 

a lot of résumés can claim high-profile adventures in act- 
ing, singing, dancing, fashion and deejaying. Ask her about life and she'll 
tell you it’s a celebration: “І want to live in light and love and laughter 
and rainbows!” This is news given that she’s known as a dark princess 
on the big and small screens. Taryn played Eminem's screwed-over ех 
in 8 Mile, the cornrowed hooker in Hustle & Flow and more recently a 
wounded wild child on Hawaii Five-O. The 32-year-old wants you to see 
her lighter side too, so here you have it, Born in Virginia to a musician 
dad and a dancer mom, Taryn caught the performance bug early. She 
studied jazz and ballet as a kid and earned a state karate championship 
while living in Tucson, When she started acting classes she met a certain 
student named Kirsten Dunst, with whom she later appeared in Crazy/ 
Beautiful (the dark princess played a drug-addled mess—quite beauti- 
fully). As a singer and songwriter, Taryn launched the electro-pop duo 
Boomkat with her brother in 2003, scoring a number one dance-club 
hit with “The Wreckoning.” Early this summer she'll release а new CD, 
currently untitled, “The new music shows off the playful side of me,” she 
says. One track, called “So Talented,” aired on Melrose Place. Taryn was 
recently cast as Sandra Good in the feature film Manson Girls. As for her 
sexuality, she says, “I'm not shy about sex. | enjoy being a little out there 
with a Flip camera sometimes.” Hey, life is a celebration. “І want to smile,” 
Taryn says. “І want to be sexy. І want to be a one-woman show.” 


ES == 
С(сге(ксвсст 


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UNTIL SHE SAW SOMEONE ELSE WHO WAS 
SOMEWHERE SHE SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN- 


was waiting for takeoff, lying to my husband on the phone, 
when I saw you. The plane was bound for San Francisco, routed 
through Minneapolis, and ГА put my palm over the phone 
when the flight attendant announced our destination and fly- 
ing time. Paul thought I was going to Delaware, because that's 
where І always told him I was going. І don't know why I picked 
Delaware. It was a joke, I suppose, intended to make him pity 
me for the unromantic demands of my job. Or maybe it was a 
sort of silent taunt: Catch me. I dare you. Or maybe it was just 
a failure of imagination, 
One thing Га like to state up front is that I loved James. I 
loved him with the kind of lurching, adolescent love that mar- 
vels over minor physical imperfections. James had a crater under 
his breastbone, for example, that І spent hours congratulating him 
on: To me it was the indentation of some interstellar comet, a mysti- 
cal cleft the size of an absent palm or heart. Now I recognize that as 
sentimentality; it was just a flaw in bis engineering, and I think they 
have surgery to correct it. But the point is, I loved him with the kind 
of love that makes everybody else uncomfortable if you talk about it, 
which I never did. I never did. 
If you'd grown up, you would have understood. 
I removed my palm from the phone and heard Paul saying, “What, 55 


ILLUSTRATION BY JEFFREY SMITH 


formal 


ii iî True PDF 


Storellags.com = Fies Magazines Downio 


56 


DID YOU THINK TO YE 
BECAUSE | WOULD H 


TO ME FOR 


WHATEVER YOU МЕЕ Яе 
HOWEVER IT MIGHT Lg 


Alice? What?” 

“Nothing,” I said. “I was just saying 
they bumped me up to first class.” 

This was true. It was a promotion due 
to multiple cancellations. Even І am not 
so callous that I treat myself to first class 
for adultery. 

“Did you get the insurance thing 
resolved?” I asked and then held the 
phone at a slight distance from my 
ear. 1 knew Paul would take a long 
time answering, and І wanted to think 
about James. At the time, this affair felt 
absolutely essential. I know now that it 
wasn't. If Pd lost James, I would have 
gone on with my job, my marriage, my 
children. 1 would have blow-dried my 
hair, І would have recycled. I'm a multi- 
tasker and a modern woman. If I'd lost 
my entire soul, I don't think anybody 
else would have even noticed. 

Underneath me, the engines began 
to thrum. I swung my knees forward, 
just because І could. There was a del- 

ate flute of orange juice before me. 
The cramped and haggard pedestrian 
class filed past me, pale and resentful. 
I tapped the phone back to my ear just 
as Paul was winding down, just when 
I knew the circularities of his speech 
would be drifting into ellipses. Га 
spent years paying attention to Paul. 
It was the only way I got away with 
everything for so long. 

“Hey,” I said. “I think they're going 
to make us turn off our phones in a 
second.” 

‘There was a fresh influx of passen- 
gers boarding the plane. They jostled 
their laptops; they squeezed their 
heft sideways to avoid confrontation. 
They cast glazed expressions around 
the first-class cabin. Paul said, “Okay, 
Alice.” There was a silence and a click, 
yielding to a deeper silence. And that’s 
when I saw you. 

І can say that now: І saw you. You 
know it’s true because it cost me every- 
thing to finally say so, 

You were a forward on the girls’ soc- 
cer team, six years old, and І knew you 
mostly in motion: whirring ponytail and 
legs, lunging through the mud toward 
a checkered ball or a vat of orange 
Gatorade. You had a mother who sat 
wrapped in coats even in the spring- 
time, who huddled over her coffee, who 


HELP? 


ЕННРЕРІШЕ д, 


never cheered. You were better at soccer 
than my girls, and І could tell already— 
even in passing, even casually—that you 
were a different genus of child than they 
were: My daughters were bookish, in 
their preliterate way, deferential to 
grown-ups and to other girls, eager to 
please and to be understood. You were 
unafraid of cleats and second-graders, 
you pinched occasionally, you didn’t 
always answer direct questions. I’ve 
spent a lot of time—more time than is 
probably healthy—imagining your adult 
life, and I think you would have been 
spontaneous, moderately rebellious, sex- 
ually assertive. You would have chosen 
a pragmatic college major, like inter- 
national finance; you would have been 
beautiful, fourth-wave feminist, confi- 
dent, quick to anger, quick to forgive, 
oriented toward the present. You would 
have been the kind of woman who can’t 
member exactly what order the events 
her life were in, You would never 
have kept in touch with ex-boyfriends. 
You would have traveled to Namibia 
in your middle age, initiated your own 
divorce, kept your hair dyed blonde and 
then brown and then red, even into your 
70s, You would never have apologized 
to anyone for anything, even when you 
probably should have. 

But as well as I know you now, at the 
time you were just one of the count- 
less little girls who shifted in and out of 
my daughters’ orbit. If I felt anything 
toward you, it was the vague overarch- 
ing protectiveness that extends toward 
all children—maybe punctuated by a 
sense that you were the one to get wild 
if fed too much sugar at birthday par- 
ties. And because you were so quick 
on the soccer field, because your mild 
Nordic features were shared by so 
many others, because your tiny voice 
was only one element of a multiphon 
chorus of ambient shrieking and gig- 
gling and plotting, I couldn't be sure, 
when you passed by me on the air- 
plane, that it was you. 

You were holding the hand of a man in 
sunglasses—but already I'm saying things 
that I don't know. Were you holding h 
hand, or was he holding yours? Was his 
other hand on your elbow menacingly 
or protectively? I glimpsed you and felt 
a momentary disorientation, a minor 


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dissonant chord of confusion, before 
looking back again. You were wearing 
pink, Pm almost sure—although this, 
too, could be wrong, my mind retroac- 
tively coloring your shirt to make you 
match the police description. When I 
turned back, you'd moved past. You were 
obscured by the gathering shapes of lug- 
gage, the impatient throbbing of people 
at their worst. You were still a little girl, 
but from the back, you could have been 
anyone's little girl. You could have easily 
been that man’s little girl. 

And there is the context to consider: 
We were filing into a plane bound for 
San Francisco, leaving from Minne- 
apolis, when you lived in Arlington, 
Massachusetts. You were not scream- 
ing. The man was holding your hand, 
and I had never met your father. I saw 
you from the front for a fraction of a 
second—less than the length of a car 
crash or an orgasm. From behind, you 
had the dimensions and coloring and 
uniform of any child in America. By 
the time Г turned all the way around, 
you were gone. 

Maybe you had the same sort of think- 
ing, if you saw me. Did you recognize 
me and then talk yourself out of the 
recognition, in your child way, as you 
disappeared toward the back of the 
airplane, the upholstery scraping your 
knees as you climbed into your seat, the 
airplane heaving itself into the air, the 
man beside you taking your hand and 
the landscape becoming the inky etching 
of a child's handprint on a wall? Did you 
think to yell to me for help? Because 1 
would have helped you. Whatever you 
might think now, however it might look. 
I would have. 

At the time, I thought about it 
enough to think: That girl looks like 
Sarah. Tt was notable how much you 
looked like Sarah. But I did not think: 
That is Sarah. If I did, if there was a 
judder of absolute prelingual certainty, 
it was like knowledge of the universe 
imparted by a hallucination or an acid 
trip or a nightmare: It disappeared as 
soon as it was subject to memory, to 
context. Any thought that ticker-taped 
through my mind at the time went 
like this: That girl looks like Sarah. You 
can roll back the tape. You can check 
the records. (continued on page 107) 


F formal 


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57 


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сша 


The stylish Nanna 
Sland Fabricius is 
ballet’s gift to rock 


She looks like а 1970s supermodel— Cheryl Tiegs but with a hint of 
Viking ancestry—and the glamour doesn't stop there. Nanna Øland 
Fabricius, a.k.a. Oh Land, was a ballerina with the Royal Academy 
in Denmark until a back injury grounded her. Fittingly, the music 
she now makes is very Black Swan in its sense of drama. Oh Land, 
her new album, mixes electronic beats and her soft, unpredictable 
singing, which has already saddled her with comparisons to Björk. 
For a peek at Fabricius's Alice іп Wonderland love of the kooky and 
fantastical, look up her “Sun of a Gun" video. 


COTHY, GIRLIE 
& TATTOOED 


@BISCOGRAPHIES 


А witty Twitter account run by an anonymous rock critic who, with great 
accuracy but little mercy, assesses the entire career of an illustrious act, 
from Paul McCartney to Kanye West, in 140 characters or fewer. 


HEIDECKER 
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yn released t 
nic beat ip-hop 


ntof s 


We know only a few facts about Suuns—they're from Montreal and explosions and unfathomable lyrics such as “Don't you be yourself, you 
are signed to the cool label Secretly Canadian, home of other oddball аге someone else" that sound like bad advice. Their music seems to 
alt bands we endorse, including Yeasayer and Here We Go Magi ind blur and smear, and knowing a Wikipedia of fi about Suuns would 
we plan to keep it that way. The songs on Zeroes QC are full of drones, flatten our joy inimagining how they became so happy and weird. 


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E 


JAMEY JOHNSON 7". 


The long hair, the unkempt beard, the black guitar strap with his first name 
embroidered in leather—take one look and you know Jamey Johnson is a 
throwback. Actually, more than that, he's like a country music caveman 
excavated intact from an Alabama ice sheet. A lot of country stars give 
lip service to tradition, then skip off to the mall. But Johnson revisits the 
genre's history of grisly subject matter, including drugs, boozing, whoring 
and vengeance. "Poor Man Blues," from his recent album The Guitar Song, 
is about a remorseless guy who seems to have murdered the rich jerk who 
stole his girl. Johnson's songs have a gravity that's gone rare in Southern 
music. And there's no better song about women than his “Women.” 


RISES теа Багамах 


Ve” Тіс”... 


JAY ELECTRONICA 


In the iTune 
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unprodu ough, just enigm 
a full-length CD, he prefers to hi ongs acr 
internet like а squirrel hides nut jreat "Exhibi 
half hisiTunes output, Jay name-drops Nas and Dic 
that both these luminaries have urged 
ic, A minute or so later he rhymes 
It qui 
han come into the 5 
сега! (he gr 
e of the city 
JFOs), In November Electronic signed 
Nation label. Norr ould point toward an album 
being rel ut things е y normal with 
u, with hehasach 
him a person." In the meantim 
ography” to find links to the 
he's rele 


y Electronica 


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Topics range from 
сапв andr at has 


google 


lozens of fragm sed so far. 


Vere 


WE ASKED A FEW OF MUSIC'S 
BIGGEST ACTS TO SHOW HOW 
THEY MAKE FASHION WORK- 
ONSTAGE AND OFF. 


IT'S STYLE MEETS STAR POWER 


JENNIFER 


RYAN JONES 
Mick 
ROCK 


ROB. 
TANNENBAUM 


Eh 


ROCK | 


ІШ True PDF format 


1 THES | 
| RABBI 


}> “My basic sense of style is all-black Johnny Cash. Black 
makes me feel badder than | am. | had a dog, and | would 
always end up with dog hair on my clothes, so I'm big on 
lint brushes. You don't want to go on Oprah shedding.” 


Sports jacket, $2,395, and striped shirt, 
$325, by ERMENEGILDO ZEGNA COUTURE. й 
Jewelry, Thicke’s own. 


Release: StoreMags & FantaMag 


го баши 


CHROMEO 


“We're two dudes with distinct styles,” 
says Dave 1, "I'm a tall skinny kid with 
glasses and a Jew face, and P-Thugg 
looks like the guy who robbed a 
bodega. As a musician you have to be 
in costume. | don't like bands that 
don’t dress up. Maybe it works for 
Dave Matthews, but that ain't sexy.” 


DAVID MACKLOVITCH (left): 
Black suit, $2,400, and skinny 
tie, $180, by DIOR HOMME. 
Shirt, $180, by A.P.C. 

Hat, $54, from NEW YORK 
HAT COMPANY. Wayfarer 
sunglasses, $145, by RAY-BAN. 


PATRICK GEMAYEL (right): 
Jacket, $495, and trousers, 


25, by JACK VICTOR. Shirt, 
Saby HUGO BOSS. Hat, 
Я NEW YORK HAT 
EE sunglasses, 
$145, һу AV-BAN. Skinny tie, 


$40, from EXPRESS. 


"| grew up with images of Elton John, 
Sly Stone and David Bowie. It was as 
if these people had fallen from Mars. 
It feels natural for me to assume the 
position for our generation. The wild- 
est thing I've ever worn in my career 
was a wedding dress. That's proof | 
уа am one bad motherfucker.” 
> Suit, $550, by CALVIN KLEIN 
Shirt,$395; from ROCHESTER” 
BIG & TALL. Vintage Dior- ¥ ' 
sunglasses; $395, from SILVER 
- LINING OPTICIANS, NYC: 7” 
Vintage bow tie from PALACE 
COSTUME, L.A. Velvet scarf, 
$30, by H&M. Pocket square, 
$105, by RALPH LAUREN, 
PURPLE LABEL. Studded 
shoes, $1,475, by CHRISTIAN 
LOUBOUTIN. 


StoreMags.com - Free Magazin 


Release: StoreMagé & FantaMag x 


Злото s. Әй 


BRYAN FERRY 


» "It's a shame we don't pilfer the past more, like 
18th century costume and stuff like that. There 
used to be more fantasy and costume in men's 
clothes. A few plumed hats and thigh boots 
would be great now, wouldn’t it?” 


= = 
SIENA toin) 


ly good tailor will get 
your crotch with a tape 
guarantee you.” 


StoreMags.com - Free Magazines Download in True PDF format 


R. KELLY 


¥ “I write three or four songs a day. Some- 
times | go in my closet and change 
clothes throughout the day, depending 
on what kind of song I'm writing, That's 
how important fashion is to me!” 


Suit, $1,595, by 
Shirt, $125, by 
5S. Street Neat 
Wayfarer Ray-Ban sunglasses, 
$495, from 


Bow tie, 
$180, by 80 
Cuff links, $115, by 


Release: StoreMags & FantaMag 


БР ар: 


г 


ць, 


BERN) 


lyn Swedberg has аа which follows 
dged mortar fire while г up-for-anything femmes 
NOISE wer games in the Argentina.) And yet Jaclyn, a 
Mojave Desert. She has southern California girl two years 


sped around іп a rally car like away from a degree in broadcast 


Danica Patrick. And she has journalism, still appreciates life's 
"MISS APRILIS 


hung 10 in the ocean blue au quieter moments. “At home I'm 
> ЖС 


naturel. “I’ve decided that am туей,” she за: Гу favorite 
thing I have ФРро апа Баке 
try, Pm goin; ter с: es. If Pm 
Miss Apri 4l feeling adventurous, ГП make 
exploits have Бен ed by а carrot cake." In fact, she con- 
Playboy TV cameras for the show siders posing for the pictures 
Badass, a naked nod to Johnny before you her most daring feat. 
Knoxville and his merry band of “Appearing in the magazine not 
(Jaclyn will soon be only made me shed my clothes 
but also allowed me to shed my 
shy exterior for good. I’m going to 
imer series Playboy give this everything I’ve got!” 


Miss April Jaclyn Swedberg takes to the 
streets on her Harley-Davidson Dyna Low 
Rider from EagleRider (eaglerider.com). 


AT -- 


35. à | ” 
< ай £ р ч 
Азама че 


PLAYBOY’S PLAYMATE OF THE MONTH 


MISS APRIL 


Release: StoreMags & FantaMag 


PLAYMATE DATA SHEET 


NAME: Docyn Swadbon 

өн SAD wrr QO ars: 5 
HEIGHT: 5 5 WEIGHT: lo p 

BIRTH DATE: Ба До. BIRTHPLACE: Son Pedro, СА 


sanas. b ost та Nas sitos os Miss April to _ 

Jmp->tart my reams nf made ast Spurnalism, i 

TURN-ONS: ц» Sóch a Серо, look ў асц Horns ros. 
3 : T y 


TURNOFFS: JE love, Men with Боса! Skin, So plans. dont 
Que me окис ара? obo Оз, tho poders L wil 
Dua yov — wil ро... REWARDED Uy 

A WARNING: Dr S po Баш. Mans, becouse 
YE ооо dont, the” ceword Poara SOPO. 

NO GER RU en) han basa ен 


1 


+ torrifiod Yo discover the Хоа Works Of 

ack Мосо. His Afraid made me vag обой indoad, 
BLATANT PLUG: Tm nota badass os асаў Decome ONL 
if чо» dont welch my Зары Shows. а \ 


Get rid of Mos. АЙ mude up for Mu. firs drip 40 
bangs, Я Jaclyn! mE births 4 DR 


ете = = 
Fo are EER 


Oi Zn i3. “іш 


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3 


4 
27 


MISS APRIL Slovan. coin) 


HINOW зні зо 3IVWAYTA AOA 


E =, al 
Серте/ 


PLAYBOY’S PARTY JOKES 


А. electrical fire caused a man's barn to burn 
down one night, so the next day his wife called 
their insurance company to file a claim. 

“We had that barn insured for $50,000 and I 
want the money,” she told the agent. 

“Now hold on a minute,” the agent replied. 
“Insurance doesn’t work like that. An inde- 
pendent adjuster will assess the value of what 
was insured, and then we'll provide you with 
a new barn of similar worth.” 

After a long pause the wife replied, “If that’s 
how it works, then I want to cancel the life 
insurance policy I have on my husband.” 


Sex between two women can be wonderful, 
provided you get between them. 


One evening a man walked into a bar and 
proceeded to order one martini after another. 
With each one he would remove the olives 
and place them in a jar he had brought with 
him. When the jar was filled with olives and 
every martini had been consumed, the man 
got up and prepared to leave. 

“Excuse me, sir,” a patron said. “I have to ask 
because I’m so curious—what are you going to 
do with all of those?” 

“Take them home to my wife,” the man 
replied. “She sent me out for a jar of olives.” 


What happened to the man who took Viagra, 
Levitra and Cialis all at the same time? He 
had a hard attack. 


One evening when he was working late, a 
business executive managed to persuade his 
secretary to bend over the back of the leather 
couch in his office and allow him to have sex 
with her. When he finally arrived home later 
that night, his wife was waiting up for him. 

“And just where have you been all night?” 
she asked, 

“At the office,” he replied, “working like 
a dog.” 


Why are men with pierced ears better pre- 
pared for marriage? Because they've experi- 
enced pain and purchased jewelry. 


What is the best thing about a nudist wed- 
ding? It’s easy to see who the best man is. 


One afternoon a professor of mathematics sent 
an e-mail to his wife that said, “Overall І am 
happy with you as a wife, but as a man I have 
certain needs, and given that you are 54 years 
old now, you are no longer able to satisfy those 
needs. Subsequently, I will be spending the 
evening at a hotel with my 18-year-old teach- 
ing assistant. І hope you understand. I still love 
you and I will be home by midnight.” 

In response, his wife sent him an e-mail 
that said, “I received your e-mail and J under- 
stand. І too will be at a hotel tonight—with our 
18-year-old pool boy. And being the brilliant 
mathematician that you are, you will surely 
realize that 18 goes into 54 many more times 
than 54 goes into 18, so please don’t bother 
to wait up.” 


Why are sperm donations more expensive 
than blood donations? Because they are 
handmade. 


3 
Mly Minan 


One afternoon a doctor was giving a lecture 
on healthy eating habits to the residents of a 
local nursing home. 

“Most ofthe material we put into our stom- 
achs is terrible,” he explained. “Red meat 
awful for you, soda corrodes your stomach 
lining, Chinese food is loaded with MSG and 
fast food is high in fat and sugar. However, 
there is one type of food that is particularly 
dangerous, anf all oF Uê have eslê it af one 
time or another. Can anyone here tell me 
what food causes the most grief and suffer- 
ing for years after eating i! 

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old 
man in the front row raised his hand and said, 
“Wedding cake.” 


Send your jokes to Party Jokes Editor, PLAYBOY, 680 
North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611, 
or by e-mail through our website at jokes.playboy.com. 
PLAYBOY will pay $100 to the contributors whose sub- 
missions are selected. 


JANN} IGA AML PENN IMA зен - mroosit'ayyenays 


“I was wondering when you'd show up.” 


79 


e StoraMags & FantaMag 


Re 


ЛОТЕ БСС 


20 


BY STEPHEN REBELLO 
PHOTOGRAPHY BY MATTHIAS СІ. АМЕН 


SNOR 


UR MOTHER STAR GETS SERIOUS ABOUT 
Avo CONFRONTING HIS INNER DEMONS 


э ә ө ө ә 


Qi 

PLAYBOY: Most people know you from How I Met 
Your Mother, the TV series on which a 2030 
voice-over version of your character, Ted 
Mosby, shows his kids, in flashbacks, the 
highs and lows of searching for the love of 
his life. Do fans ever confuse Josh Radnor 
with your character? 

RADNOR: Demographically, Ted Mosby is not all 
that different from me. Just by happenstance 
one of the show’s creators is from Shaker 
Heights, Ohio. I grew up in Columbus and wear 
= a lot of Ohio State T-shirts. When people see 
1 LII me around, some of them probably get that 
sense like “I know hin" or “I went to high 
School with that guy." I get this strange 
vertigo when I meet people (continued on page 120) 


Release: StoreMags & FantaMag 


PLAYBOY Ganzes | 


THUNDER 


1956-1959 


BMW 507 Roadster 


his BMW's proud front wings sweep rearward with the dash of 

a destroyer's hull. Arguably more a boulevardier than a serious 

race-bred sports car, the 507 was designed by an independent con- 
sultant, Count Albrecht Goertz (who penned the Datsun 240Z) and 

was offered in limited numbers for just three years. lts competition 

was the legendary Mercedes-Benz 300SL Gullwing. With just 254 

units produced, the 507 was rarer than the Gullwing, then and now. 

Its pushrod 3.2-liter V8 (up to 165 bhp) was the first production V8 

82 with an aluminum block and heads. At a then lofty $9,000, the 507 


was double the price of a contemporary Cadillac and more expensive 
than a Gullwing. BMW's advertising for the car showed a gentleman 
in a white dinner jacket inviting an elegant woman to go for а spin. It 
made no mention of the fact that this sleek roadster could nip at 140 
mph. Today, 56 years after the 5075 debut, the car's slim silhouette, 
cinched waist, arced fenders and dramatically raked windscreen all 
spell elegance and adventure. It's estimated that 240 BMW 5075 exist 
today. Hit the lottery and the price tag 5720,0 ор ve $901 роо) will 
seem like a bargain for one of motgeirig/sÄrnmertalg? E 


Al cing from Hagerty С 


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‘Storellag: 


1961-1968 


JAGUAR E-TYPE SERIES 1 COUPE 565,000 


һе E-Type (called the XKE in North America) catapulted Britain's 

Jaguar into the modern era. It appeared just before the Beatles; one 
might say it launched the British invasion. Toiling in the precomputer era, 
British aerodynamicist Malcolm Sayer painstakingly devised the thousands 
of mathematical calculations necessary to model the E-Type's 150 mph 
shape. At the time, Car and Driver called it “the car we'd most like to own 
of any we've tested.” With a stiletto-like silhouette, it had specifications to 
match, such as fully independent suspension, a tightly drawn monocoque 


hen Pontiac’s rising star John 

DeLorean shoehorned a 389-cid V8 
into a lowly Tempest, ignoring GM's edict on 
engine displacement in midsize cars (330 cid 
was tops), the muscle car was born. The GTO 
appeared in 1964—the same year as the Ford 
Mustang. With its 325 bhp engine and four- 
barrel carburetor, the GTO started at around 
55,000 and came as a hardtop, sports coupe 
or convertible, After testers blazed a 4. 
‘second zero to 60 in a juked-up Bobcat GTO, 
sales spiked. Today, tri-power first-year GTO 
hardtops go for $60,000 to $75,000. Watch 
out: Not all of them were heavily optioned 
road racers. Counterfeiters often add the 
good stuff; an original bill of sale is key. 


1964 


PONTIAC TEMPEST 
LE MANS GTO 560,000 


1955-1957 


CHEVY BEL AIR NOMAD 


body shell and a snarling 265 bhp, three-carburetor, twin-cam 3.8-Iiter six- 
cylinder, paired with a four-speed manual and disc brakes adapted from 
Jaguar's Le Mans-winning D-Type. Sure-footed and tractable, the E-Type 
hammered contemporary rivals and rocketed Jag from an “interesting” 
specialist sports-car purveyor to world-class competitor. The best, simplest 
and most beautiful E-Type was the Series 1. Just $5,900 new, a decent 
coupe will run you $65,000 and up today. Add $25,000 to $30,000 for 
the convertible. Jaguar has never built a better-looking model. 


2 Januar 
$100,50: 


lat i 
N storia h 


ouldor 


Release: StoreMags & FantaMag 


StoreMags.com - Free M: 


1969-1973 » 


FERRARI DINO 246 GT 510 


Y 1963 


CORVETTE STING RAY 


hevrolet launched the first Corvette 

Sting Ray for 1963. Its fuel-injected 
V8 transformed a boulevard cruiser into a 
tiger and confirmed the Corvette's status as 
a world-class sports car contender. The Sting 
Ray's rivalry with the Shelby Cobra, which 
appeared the same year, is heralded as one 
of the most exciting in American racing his- 
tory. The unique rear window, divided by a 
sculpted rib, lasted one year, which is why 
this Vette is so sought after. Split-window 
coupes with a 327-cid 300 bhp engine were 


с urvaceous and catlike, Ferrari's diminutive Dino 246 GT never came 
with a Ferrari badge. Named for Enzo Ferrari's late son, it was sold 
through Ferrari dealers and advertised as “almost a Ferrari.” The car cut a 
dashing figure on ABC's 1971-1972 show The Persuaders! as the hip ride 
of international playboy Danny Wilde (Tony Curtis). At the time, it was 
revolutionary thanks to a transversely mid-mounted 195 bhp four-cam 


2.4-liter V6, with three Weber carburetors, a five-speed all-synchromesh 
gearbox...the list goes on. It came in two versions: a GT coupe and a GTS 
convertible with a lift-off “Targa top.” The coupe (originally $14,500) is by 
far the prettier, with a beautifully curved roofline and flying-buttress rear 
corners. Figure on $100,000 for a GT, SO percent more for a GTS. 

way, you have the essence of a 1960s Ferrari in a delightful package. 


If you pump premium gas, it’s best 
to use the finest motor oil as well. A 
synthetic juice like SynPower from Val- 
voline is designed to beat the heat and 
the engine damage it causes. If you've 
got a high-mileage classic, stick with 
the brand's MaxLife, which stops trans- 
mission leaks. If you prefer two wheels 
over four, feed your superbike EXS 
Synthetic Ester 4T from Bel-Ray. The 
company specializes in motorcycle rac- 
ing, and this oil is designed to max out 
horsepower. 


Your tires are the only parts of the 
car that actually touch the asphalt. Bridge- 
stone offers excellent rubber for all seasons, 
from its snow-and-ice-minded Blizzak series 
to its smoking performance Potenza hoops. 
The Potenza RE960 offers a unique mix of 
all season and high performance—so you can 
run hard in dry weather or hurricanes. 


Like any skin, your automobile’s 
needs protection from the elements. No need 
to spend $37,000 on a jar of Brough & How- 
arth's car wax (really). Your local car parts 
store will have Turtle Мах Carnauba Cleaner 


Release: StoreMags & FantaMag 


Wax, which features superhard, durable stuff 
from a rare Brazilian tree. For the interior, 
detailers prefer Meguiar's Gold Class Dash 
& Trim Foam Protectant, which both cleans 
and saves plastic dashboards from the sun. 
Leather trim and seats need their own care: 
You'll want а soft, nonglaring surface, as 
produced by Mothers Reflections Advanced 
Leather Care. When you're washing your 
ride, use a sheepskin wash mitt rather than 
а sponge, and be sure to start from the top 
down. It's the best way to enjoy the curves 
when you're not оп the move. 


Y 
An 


Дом) | 
A 


po 


"It was a hard fight, but I finally got you a jury of your peers." 


En 


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StorelMegecom -hA 


Release: 


re you gonna be our Norman Mailer?" a man 
on Malet Street, central London, asked me 

around noon on December 9 of last year 

Bia sorry?" І queried, not sure I'd heard 

him right, given the cacophony enveloping 
ws horns tootling, drums booming, adoles- 

tent voices chanting—and my own advancing 
years. "Are you gonna be our Norman 
Mailer?" the fellow reiterated. "You know, 
get yourself arrested the way he did on the 
Pentagon march in 1967? We could really do with a high- 
profile arrest to further the cause.” 

“I'm not actually here to further the cause,” 1 replied, 
taking in the thickets of placards proclaiming RESIST THE 
COALITION with an airy wave. “I'm here to report on the 
Semonstration.” Actually, 1 was being disingenuous- 1did 
have some sympathy with the cause, which was to ‘oppose 
time-tabled British government legislation that would 
increase the cost of a college education nearly threefold. 
And while I wasn't interested in the demo per se, I was 
On Malet Street, immediately below the foursquare Stalin- 
ist bulk of the University of London's Senate House (the 
building that inspired George Orwell's Ministry of Truth 
im 1984), in order to report to you, dear reader, on the 
riot 1 was pretty certain was imminent. 


кегі day and positively hoping large-scale civil unrest 
breaks out. It occurred to me, as 1 packed camera and 
notebook in a sensible jacket, that I was like an urban 
version of those wackos who chase tornadoes across 
the Midwest. I wasn't the only one spoiling for a fight 
that morning; the students and their hangers-on were 


ILLUSTRATION BY DAVID HUGHES 


87 


definitely up for it, and even the police couldn’t have been 
immune to the adrenalized atmosphere as they zipped up 
their navy-blue jumpsuits, laced their giant black bowver 
boots and strapped their two-foot-long truncheons to their 
belts. After all, being a British bobby is mostly a thanklessly 
dull task—there's precious little graft, car chases are neces- 
“sarily a stop-start affair due to the tininess of the territory 
and you don’t even get to carry a gun (unless you belong to 
the Royalty Protection squad or certain squads of the Met- 
ropolitan Police). Under such circumstances, the prospect 
of a day away from the desk, hanging out with your mates 
and cracking a few heads must seem pretty inviting. 

For myself, I hadn't intended to whistle for a horseman of 
the apocalypse to come and take a dump on my patch—he 
just kind of trotted across. In October it had been the French 
who were revolting, taking to the streets in the hundreds of 
thousands to protest the minimum retirement age going up 
to 62. In the time-honored way, these manifestations quickly 
turned nasty, and soon enough the barricades were up and 
the Molotov cocktails were being chucked. 

Say what you will about the French—they know how to 
have a riot; their latter-day Communards look so comme 
il faut in denim blousons with urine-soaked cotton scarves 
tied around their mouths to filter the impressionistic 
swirl of tear gas. As for the French riot police with their 
RoboCop-style contoured black-rubber body armor and their 
coffin-shape Plexiglas shields, their fastidiousness—before, 
during and aprés any head cracking —amply confirms a 
(French) friend's contention that the reason there has never 
been a big gay rights movement in France is because all 

Frenchmen are gay (or at least pretty damn camp). Iliked 


3 га yu e Таш; N en, 
Му name is called disturbance. 
ГИ shout and scream and kill the kin, 1 the idea of getting mixed up 
ГІІ гай at all his servants. | in these événements not, you 
What can a poor boy do 2 understand, because I’m a 
re band? slavering violence groupie 
Верас ВО МЕ Tode цё but simply because even the 


т й жи ои p M most committed armchair 
There uo ae TE А anarchist likes getting out 


once in a while—a bit like 
the British bobby. 

And besides, in Europe at least, rioting looks like the shape 
of things to come as nation after nation topples into the 
black hole of a Standard & Poor's triple-B credit rating. 
True, а European riot doesn’t measure up to а stateside one. 

There is no National Guard shooting looters on sight and 
no guns on the revolting side at all; even the Greek rioters— 
for all their undoubted ferocity—have simply dreadful taste 
street fashion. As for the British rioters de nos jours, the 
preceding month had seen two unexpected outbreaks of 
fisticuffs during the student demonstrations, the first when 
a posse broke away from the main march and invaded the 
headquarters of the ruling Conservative Party. 

‘There had been much fulminating in the media as to how 
this could have happened and why the police weren't ready 
for it. The conspiracy theorists argue that the police allowed 
it deliberately. Given that they are facing swingeing cuts in 
their budget, what better way to ensure their manpower isn’t 
reduced than ushering in the public-order breakdown? Per- 
sonally I'm a far greater believer іп what we Brits term cock-up 
than in conspiracy, but even I found it a little fishy the way 
that, during the second big student demo, the rioters conve- 
niently got hold ofa police van and smashed its windows right 
beside the Cenotaph in Whitehall, The Cenotaph is a memo- 
rial to the British dead of two world wars and as such is the 
state holy of holies—for such a profanation to occur was as if 
Abbie Hoffman had succeeded in levitating the Pentagon. 


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Still, on that sunny morning in Decem- 
ber the Metropolitan Police didn't look 
as if they’d learned their lesson. True, 
they were out in force, lining the street in 
their fluorescent yellow jackets, blue riot 
helmets dangling ready at their sides, but 
when I eavesdropped on their radio chat- 
ter it was clear they were speedily being 
outpaced by the columns of demonstra- 
tors converging on Parliament Square. 
The reason for this became apparent as 
soon as the column I was embedded in 
moved off from Malet Street. 

Um a veteran of the big British 
political demos of the early 1980s, the 
Liverpool dockers’ strike in the 19908 
and the miners’ strikes, the Campaign 
for Nuclear Disarmament and assorted 
antiracist marches. Tn those days the nat- 


objection to peaceful protests, and they 
were sure the majority of demonstrators 
concurred, the day had spiraled out of 
control because of the malign influence 
of elements one Conservative member 
of Parliament (who really should have 
known better) laughably described as 
“professional anarchists.” 

I was there, and this was arrant non- 
sense. Almost from the start a significant 
minority of these kids were game for a 
riot: masked to prevent police photog- 
raphers getting a shot of them, buzzing 
and brandishing the sticks of their plac- 
ards. One was sporting а У for Vendetta 
mask, and lo and behold a couple of 
hours later I saw him stoking the flames 
of a bonfire of burning benches in Par- 
liament Square, looking for all the world 


ALMOST FROMTHE CET-GO 


cee A SIGNIFICANT MINORITY OF THESE KIDS WERE — 


Ж 


urally sluggish pace of the pot smoking, 
beer-drenched Brit left was further 
damned by the carrying of enormous 
and ornate banners—at best such pro- 
cessions would move at a leaden-footed 
mile an hour. But these students, leav- 
ened by still younger pupils furious at 
the abolition of their Education Mainte- 
nance Allowance, scampered along like a 
load of ravers jitterbugging on ecstasy— 
which in a way they were. In no time at 
all we'd whipped round Russell Square 
and reached High Holborn. 

Later, when the hurly-burly was done 
and the heir to the throne's Rolls-Royce 
had been attacked on Regent Street 
and the windows of the Treasury and. 
the Supreme Court had been broken 
and mounted police had been dragged 
from their mounts and all of Parliament 
Square had descended into a lurid sat- 
urnalia worthy of Hieronymus Bosch, 
assorted pillars of the state stepped for- 
ward to plaint that while they had no 


like some devilish little imp. Marches 
of this kind normally have a route 
determined by negotiation between 
organizers and police, but in this case 
the students’ official representatives— 
the National Union of Students—had 
backed down, and in their stead were 
Soviet-style committees of “elected” 
stewards. When I asked one of them 
what the route was he didn’t суеп know. 
All of this is by way of explaining how 
pathetically the authorities misjudged 
the situation; unlike previous antiglobal- 
ization rallies in London, this one had 
no anarchist ringleaders who could have 
been preemptively arrested—just a load 
of teenagers playing the role of the mob 
on London's timeless stage. 

Peter Ackroyd in his magisterial Lon- 
don: the Biography typifies the London 
mob as the real agent of the city’s evolu- 
tion through the ages. Whether baying 
for the execution of Charles I outside 
the Banqueting House in Whitehall, 


parading through the streets to see mur- 
derers executed at Tyburn or stoning 
the hated Duke of Wellington’s carriage 
(he was known as the Iron Duke not 
by reason of his military prowess but 
because he had to have iron shutters on 
the windows of his house), the London 
mob has always been a self-consciously 
theatrical affair—and these kids, a mot- 
ley crowd of middle-class students and 
multiracial tearaways from the inner 
London burbs, were gripped by the 
transcendent spirit of the place. 

When I reached Parliament Square, 
after diverting into Soho for a spot of 
lunch—middle age has its prerogatives— 
I discovered that they d fully assimilated 
their part. The march had meant to skirt 
the Palace of Westminster and go on to 
the Embankment by the River Thames, 
but the kids had instead smashed through 
the barriers cordoning off the square of 
grass and taken possession of it. Someone 
had dragged up a shopping cart loaded 
with a big sound system, which was blast- 
ing out dubstep, the specifically London 
genre of grimy, bass-infused dance music. 
А duo of lithe young Emma Goldmans 
in tight ski pants were gyrating in the 
roadway beneath the hefty bronze of 
Churchill, while elsewhere in the square 
other kids were spraying graffiti tags on 
the plinths of Lincoln, Disraeli, Lloyd 
George and all the other avatars of 
democracy. Overhead police and media 
„~ choppers rat-a-tat-tatied. 

You don't have to be an armchair anar- 
chist to appreciate how such a scene 
could drive an already exhilarated mob 
into a frenzy: the gothic flutings of the 
Mother of Parliaments, within which 
the legislators at that very moment were 
debating their fate; the blanched sepul- 
cher of Westminster Cathedral, within 
which are buried a millenium's worth of 
British monarchs; to the east the neoclas- 
sical facade of the Treasury building; and, 
feebly attempting to protect it all, the thin 
blue-and-yellow lines of riot police. I 
strolled around the grassy plot admiring 
the dishabille of civic pride: the dancing 
kids, the burning benches, the roiling 
and moiling of the senselessly disaffected. 
Then I stepped over to the thin blue line 
of helmeted and shielded cops lined up 
in front of Parliament and asked, “Is it 
okay if I come through this way?” 

“If you don't mind, sir,” said one of 
the police, gesturing toward the junction 
of Whitehall and Westminster Bridge, 
“it would be better if you go through 
over there.” Sir? Sir! What a very British 
affair this was, such a polite civil distur- 
bance. It reminded me of the Poll Tax 
riot of 1990, which had effectively ended 
Margaret Thatcher's premiership. On 
that afternoon, being in an apolitical 
phase, Га gone unawares into the West 
End to see a movie and stepped out 
of the tube at (concluded on page 115) 


89 


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rank the greatest country recording artists of the past 75 
years. Hank Williams, Johnny Cash and George Jones will 
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billy Shakespeare and the Man in Black, respectively. But 


XAS TO ALTER THE 


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< was saddled with the disparaging epithet No Show Jones. 


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“You should feel honored—I usually don't do requests." 


PLAYBOY’S 


BY JOSH ROBERTSON 


WE ARE NOW IN A FULL-BLOWN 
GOLDEN AGE OF CELEBRITY 
SEXINESS 


t’s 2011 and our ideas about 
what’s sexy have never been 
more mature, so to speak. 
We're not going to give you 
any of this 40-is-the-new-20 
bullshit. Twenty is 20, and it’s a 
damn fine age to be. But it seems 
that today’s 20-somethings 
(you know who they are) are 
more sexualized than sexy. Sex 
appeal is projected onto them, 
whereas a 30-year-old babe is a 
woman who knows what she’s 
doing. She’s worldly, smart, 
confident. She owns it. 

It is no coincidence that the 
perennial siren of this bunch— 
arguably the sexiest woman on 
the planet—turned 30 this year. 
There she was on the cover of 
People magazine in November, 
flashing bedroom eyes at the 
camera, with the incongruous 
caption KIM KARDASHIAN AT 30: 1 
THOUGHT Го BE MARRIED BY NOW. 

Michelle Williams is 30. Jes- 
sica Simpson is 30. Jessica Alba 
turns 30 this month, Natalie 


Opposite page, top: In Black Swan, 
Natalie Portman is both perfectly 
elegant and scary hot. Bottom: 
Her 3-D Playmate of the Year pic 
brought Hope Dworaczyk into 
your living room. Now she’s with 
Celebrity Apprentice. This page, 
clockwise from above: Beach 
blonde Sophie Monk got her 
start in an all-girl pop act called 
Bardot; Tara Reid is on a roll since 


her comeback PLAYBOY pictorial; 
Brooke Burke was well suited to 
write a book called The Naked 
Mom; as Sookie Stackhouse on 
True Blood, Anna Paquin is TV's 
most suckable babe. 


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Clockwise from left: NFL housewife Kendra Wilkinson con- 
tinues to rule reality TV with Kendra; Oscar winner Halle 
Berry turns an unreal 45 this year; the 2010 World Cup gave 
us the curse of vuvuzelas and the glory of South African 
models such as Candice Boucher; fight fans scored Arianny 
Celeste's PLavBov pictorial a TKO; Sasha Grey is a star who 
once did porn; Jennifer Lopez continues to make husband 
Marc Anthony look like the luckiest hombre alive. 


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Portman turns 30 in June and 
Beyoncé hits it in September. 
Sophie Monk and Kelly Brook 
are already 31. Anna Paquin 
is 28 and getting sexier by the 
year, if you ask us. 

Take another look at this 
trend and you'll agree that 
we've reached a golden age of 
the MILF. The women who were 
on our mind at the end of the 
20th century (when the word 
MILF first surfaced) are still 
fueling fantasies 11 years into 
the 21st. Angelina Jolie first 
blew us away as the hot heroin- 
addict supermodel Gia in 1998; 
she's now 35 and on top of the 
world. Brooke Burke is knock- 
ing on the door of 40. J. Lo is 
41, Pamela Anderson is 43 and 
Halle Berry is 44. (Halle looks 
better at 44 than she did at 24, 
for crying out loud.) Each has 
had kids. For yesterday's sex 
symbols, age and motherhood 
may have been setbacks; today 
we know that sex appeal is a 
marathon, not a sprint. 

As you peruse this year's 
installment of Playboy's Sexi- 
est Celebrities, you may find 
a new face or two. But for the 
most part you'll enjoy a certain 
intimacy with these shocking 
beauties. You've gotten to know 
them over the years on the big 
and small screens and in the 
pages of this magazine. They 
exude the radiance of experi- 
enced women who remain on 
top of their game. Sit back and 
enjoy their company. 


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Clockwise from top left: Pamela Anderson is still the ultimate 
blonde; Jenni “JWoww” Farley is Shore something; Angelina Jolie, 
still stunning; Playmate Claire Sinclair channels pinup pulchritude; 
Crystal Harris hooked Hef, line and sinker; Christina Hendricks 
drives us mad on Mad Men; Megan Fox on the red carpet; there's 
no taming Olivia Wilde; the recently single Scarlett Johansson. 


PLAYBOY 


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102 


HELEN THOMAS 


(continued from page 40) 
spot at the White House as long as you 
did or got to ask the first question at press 
conferences. What was your secret? 
THOMAS: І thought it was my due, actu- 
ally. [laughs] I worked hard. And while I've 
always felt privileged to go to the White 
House, I felt this was what I was sup- 
posed to do, which is ask hard questions. 
So many people outside the White House 
gates wonder what's going on in there. 
When I walk in or out, they always ask, 
“Ts the president there? Is he working?” 
You want to just say, “Come in. It’s your 
house. This is your house.” [points to plate of 
ham sandwiches] Here, have a sandwich. 
PLAYBOY: No, thank you. Did you go into 
journalism because you wanted to make 
a difference? 
THOMAS: Hell no. I got into it because I 
am very nosy, very curious, and because I 
thought it was a great profession. It's an 
education every day to be in journalism, 
and its given me a great life. 
PLAYBOY: Were you the kid in the front 
row at school, asking questions the teacher 
didn't want to hear? 
THOMAS: No. That came later. I was afraid 
of authority as a kid. I certainly wasn’t 
going to challenge teachers. But I had 
great parents who taught me never to be 
seen as less than anyone else. My mother 
and father couldn’t read or write English, 
but they were very involved with their 
friends in talking politics. We were thrilled 
when my father made a check mark for 
Roosevelt to be elected. He was a proud 
man. He ran а small grocery and fed our 
whole ethnic neighborhood in Detroit— 
Italians on one side, Germans on the 
other, everybody hungry. It’s the classic 
immigrant story, but they were more lib- 
erated than most. They always told me I 
didn’t need to get married or have chil- 
dren to be successful. That was unusual 
in those days and still is. And 1 saw from 
an early age that women weren’t being 
treated right, weren't getting opportuni- 
ties. І wanted to be a newspaperwoman, 
and I got on the high school paper. I 
worked on the college paper at Wayne 
State University and loved it. When I 
came to Washington І got a job as а copy- 
boy, running for coffee, cutting copy. This 
was during World War П. Soon enough, І 
was covering politics. Perhaps there was 
some element of wanting to do good. I 
saw what was happening with blacks, civil 
rights and everything else. Something had 
to be done in our country, by God, and I 
was going to help any way I could. 
PLAYBOY: What’s your earliest memory of 
being at the White House? 
THOMAS: I sort of assigned myself to the 
White House. I went to cover the Ken- 
nedy family on Inauguration Day. І 
covered men, women, children, animals, 
everything that moved in the Kennedy 
White House. I was like the woman who 
came to dinner; I never left. After the 
inauguration, UPI said, “Okay, Thomas, 


you're assigned.” It was a three-person 
staff: Merriman Smith, Alvin Spivak and 
myself. Merriman Smith was the brilliant 
reporter who won the Pulitzer in Dallas 
the day Kennedy was killed. 

PLAYBOY: Where were you that day? 
THOMAS: I was getting ready to go ona 
vacation and was in a fancy restaurant on 
Connecticut Avenue in D.C. with someone 
from Jackie's office and an AP reporter 
and rival who was my closest friend. We 
ordered lunch and I heard a radio. It 
sounded like a sporting event, football 
maybe. But I thought, It's Friday; how 
strange. So I went over to listen, and that’s 
when I heard “Kennedy's been shot.” We 
all shot out of that restaurant and left Jack- 
Тез staff with the bill. The AP girl ran to 
her office and I ran to mine. I walked in 
and they said, “You're on vacation.” I said, 
“No, I'm not.” They said, “Okay. Get in 
a cab and go to Andrews Air Force Base. 
You're going to Dallas.” It was assumed 
that Kennedy was still alive. By the time I 
was in the cab, it was formally announced 
that he was dead. 

PLAYBOY: So you stayed in Washington? 
THOMAS: I stayed at Andrews and waited 
there until Air Force One came in with the 
body. I saw Jackie and the pink suit and 
the blood. I was brokenhearted like every- 
one else. Kennedy was as brilliant as he 
was charming, and I had a wonderful per- 
sonal relationship and rapport with him. 
He teased me a lot. I remember on St. 
Patrick’s Day one year JFK came over to 
the press pool, and І said, “It’s a great day 
for the Irish, Mr. President.” And he said, 
“Well, what are you doing here, Helen?” 
I mean, his wit was that quick. 

PLAYBOY: What was it like being inside the 
White House during that time? 

THOMAS: The days after the assassination 
were surreal. Jackie hadn't yet moved out 
of the White House and LBJ hadn't yet 
moved in, so every day we were going 
to LBJ's home and talking to him in the 
motorcade. It’s funny thinking about it 
now. Today Biden rides by like a mon- 
arch with all sirens blaring. He has eight 
outriders, two scout cars and І don't know 
how many police trailing in the back. LBJ 
demanded total silence for his motorcade 
around town and into the White House. 
PLAYBOY: What does that say about 
Joe Biden? 

THOMAS: It was Chency who started it, І 
think. That was his MO. Now, there was 
a vice president. [laughs] The idea that he 
could have been president. I think Cheney 
is diabolical. How much money has he 
made from Halliburton? Now they're all 
in hiding, he and his men. They’ve all 
slipped away into corporate life, universi- 
ties or think tanks. 

But getting back to LBJ, he used to do 
these moving press conferences, which was 
especially hard since I was in heels and 
would be falling this way and that trying 
to keep up with him. He had this habit of 
whispering, so we had to stay close. On 
walks around the South Lawn he would 
let his hair down. We were privileged 


Release: Storadlags & Fantadilag 


because we were getting what was really 
on his mind. Then he’d say, “You know, 
this is all off the record.” Well, none of us 
thought it was off the record. We knew, 
whatever he was trying to tell us, that he 
wanted the story out but not attributed to 
him. We'd have to go and find the infor- 
mation on our own. It was quite a study 
in press relations. You had to work hard. 
not to be manipulated. 

PLAYBOY: You certainly never had a prob- 
lem asking hard questions. George W. 
Bush moved you to the back of the brief- 
ing room to get you off his back. 
THOMAS: Actually, it was Ari Fleischer, the 
number one liar in the White House. He 
didn’t like that I was asking too many mean 
questions about where the Israelis were 
getting their arms and whatnot. So I got 
pushed to the back. But the first opportu- 
nity I had to challenge Bush, I did. 
PLAYBOY: You asked him a bold ques- 
tion in 2006. You said, “Your decision 
to invade Iraq has caused the deaths 
of thousands of Americans and Iraqis, 
wounds of Americans and Iraqis for a 
lifetime. Every reason given, publicly 
at least, has turned out not to be true. 
My question is, Why did you really want 
to go to war?” He danced around the 
answer. Did you have an answer in mind 
when you asked that question? What do 
you think has driven America's involve- 
ment in these recent wars? 

THOMAS: You tell me. 

о, you tell us. 

ell, no president has ever told 
the truth about why we're there. I think 
oil has a lot to do with it. І think there's 
an Israel connection. Our government 
feels compelled to protect Israel. With 
Bush, some people say it was George Jr. 
avenging for Daddy. At least Bush’s father 
understood what war was about. He had 
been in war. He was more cautious. He 
certainly lined up the Arab countries to 
support fighting the invasion of Kuwait. 
The Bush family has always been rich peo- 
ple in search of a job, but George Sr. had 
been head of the CIA and chairman of 
the Republican National Committee. He 
knew politics and he knew foreign policy, 
but he didn’t give any of that to his son. 
Dubya was а hip-shooter. If you look at 
the Downing Street Memo from 2002, you 
see the chief of British intelligence had 
come here just before George W. Bush’s 
invasion of Iraq. It concludes that the 
president simply was determined to go 
to war and that he wanted to fix the facts 
to do it. But there were no facts. We just 
went to war for no reason. 

PLAYBOY: So you never believed the line 
that the world would be “a safer place” 
without Saddam Hussein? 

THOMAS: I think it was wrong to hang 
Saddam Hussein. He should have been 
put before an international court for war 
crimes and everything else. But for us to 
just bypass the law and have him hanged 
was wrong. Not that the press called the 
president on it. The press rallied around 
the flag on that one. 


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PLAYBOY 


104 


PLAYBOY: Who's your most trusted news 
source, by the way? 

THOMAS: Nobody, really. I like the liberal 
press. I like E.J. Dionne Jr. in The Washington 
Post. 1 like Sam Donaldson. I believe he's 
an honest man. I loved Walter Cronkite. I 
certainly loved Ed Murrow. But I don't see 
replicas around. 

PLAYBOY: What do you think of Fox News? 
THOMAS: I don't watch Fox and I don't 
follow Fox. 

PLAYBOY: Not even Glenn Beck? 

THOMAS: Who? 

PLAYBOY: Glenn Beck. He’s on Fox. 
THOMAS: No, don't know him. 

PLAYBOY: Do you know who Bill O'Reilly is? 
THOMAS: Yes, I do. He sent me flowers after 
insulting me for something or other, 
PLAYBOY: Is anyone asking the tough ques- 
tions about p 

THOMAS: We're still not getting the full story 
on Israel. I asked both President Obama at 
a news conference and Hillary if they knew 
of any nations in the Middle East that had 
nuclear weapons. Obama danced around it 
and said, “I don't want to speculate.” Hillary 
said, “Oh, Helen, you're cute” or something 
to that effect. She laughed it off. 

PLAYBOY: Why would our government 
remain quiet if Israel had nukes? 
THOMAS: Years ago we made a pact with 
Golda Meir never to say it. In her era, they 
would never say it, and they can’t say it now 
because they can't tell Iran and all these other 
countries that they have nukes. That's my 
opinion. Our government won't tell the truth, 
and neither will the Israelis, Everyone knows, 
but I can’t write “Everyone knows." You have 
to attribute it to somebody. Again, you dont 
see these stories in the news. You have to go 
to a magazine like The Nation or the offbeat 


press to find out what is really happening. 
"They don't say that in The New York Times. 
PLAYBOY: Or we can get our news from 
comedians like Jon Stewart. What's your 
take on him? 

THOMAS: I don’t know. He called me anti- 
. What is this crap? Anti-Semitic? 
What is he? 

PLAYBOY: What about Bill Maher? 

THOMAS: І like Bill Maher. Remember when 
he said the 9/11 bombers were not cow- 
ards? He lost his job temporarily, but he 
was right: Anybody who flies an airplane 
into a building isn’t a coward, That was 
too logical for people, though, You can’t 
be that honest. [laughs] It’s like the Japa- 
nese kamikazes in World War II. They were 
diabolical, flying right into ships, but they 
certainly weren't cowards. There are two 
sides to every story. I guess the trouble is 
certain stories just don’t sell newspapers. 
PLAYBOY: Nothing's selling newspapers 
these days. 

THOMAS: And it’s a tragedy. I still like a 
newspaper in my hand. I get The Washington 
Post and The New York Times outside the door 
every morning and run to them. I like the 
print press. You don't get anything in depth 
anymore without a newspaper. Everything 
is a headline, a sound bite. I worry about 
young people really getting to know what's 
going on in our world. 

PLAYBOY: How much time do you spend 
online? 

THOMAS: Uh-uh. I’m a paper-and-pencil 
person. I probably should look at Face- 
book and Huffington Post and these other 
things, but I don’t. Everyone with a laptop 
thinks they're a journalist and everyone with 
а camera thinks they're a news photogra- 
pher. Where are the standards? How can we 


“Not now, Tom, Howard' trying to tell me something.” 


Текес ^ 886.0 
get back to the ethics and standards of jour- 
nalism? There's no editing, no oversight. 
It’s just thrown to the wind. I'm afraid of 
what's happening. 

PLAYBOY: But you can't deny the power of 
the web. Look at WikiLeaks. What did you 
think of those diplomatic revelations? 
THOMAS: I think it’s great. 105 important to 
reveal what’s going on behind the scenes. 
We wouldn’t have known half this stuff 
without this information, and it’s going to 
change everything as far as diplomacy. 105 
hard to believe we didn’t know some of this 
stuff before. Maybe I should have been dig- 
ging into these things myself. I'm probably 
not a good reporter. [laughs] 

PLAYBOY: By the way, did you ever see Mari- 
lyn Monroe backstage at the White Hou 
THOMAS: [Laughs] Now these are the ques- 
tions І like, not the ones that make me cry. 
No, I never saw Marilyn. But 1 saw a lot. 
PLAYBOY: What about Monica Lewinsky? Was 
there talk in the pressroom that Bill Clinton 
was having sex with someone before that 
news got out? 

THOMAS: There's always talk, but I never 
assume anything. That's the first law of jour- 
nalism. Your mother says she loves you, 
check it out. So no, I didn't suspect. 
PLAYBOY: Were you surprised? 

THOMAS: No. I knew how women liked Clin- 
ton very much. 

PLAYBOY: Do you think it’s the public’s right 
to know what's happening in the president's 
private life? 

THOMAS: Absolutely. We need to know every- 
thing a president's up to. He's on our time, 
on our payroll. He’s a public servant. 
PLAYBOY: Were you all aware that President 
Reagan was taking naps in the White House 
when he should have been at meetings? 
THOMAS: We knew he fell asleep a lot. But I 
still feel he was making the decisions, even 
if some of them weren't great. Ketchup was 
a vegetable on the school lunch program. 1 
think Reagan was so conservative, he really 
believed people could pull themselves up 
without any government assistance, get out 
of wherever they were to find a job and so 
forth. That created a real underclass in this 
country. But there were also things I liked 
about Reagan. He began to bend toward 
the Soviet Union. It was Nancy who pushed 
him on that. She convinced him to go to 
Russia to see for himself that these people 
were real. That began a whole transforma- 
tion personally for Reagan. He saw that 
the Russians laughed and cried and were 
human. After he came back from meeting 
Gorbachev for the first time, I said to him, 
"Mr. President, to think that if you had gone 
to Moscow 10 or 20 years ago, you might 
have found out back then that they laugh, 
they cry, they're human.” “Nope,” he said. 
“They're the ones who ve changed." 
PLAYBOY: How much was Nancy Reagan con- 
trolling things behind the scenes? 
THOMAS: Nancy certainly was important. 
and powerful, but I think it's because their 
marriage was so close. Everybody liked 
Reagan, but he wasn't particularly con- 
nected to anyone aside from Nancy. Tt was 
morning in America and all that jazz, but 
you never got the feeling he was warm. 
Нед rather be alone with his wife up in 
the family quarters. 


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106 


PLAYBOY: Press secretaries are paid to 
obscure the truth, are they not? 

THOMAS: [Laughs] Tell me about it, But 
we had a few good ones. I loved Pierre 
Salinger—loved his joie de vivre, his intel- 
ligence, his wit—though he was really the 
first press secretary to attempt to control the 
press. He exerted tremendous influence in 
shifting the story to places he wanted it to 
go. Bill Moyers tried to do the same, and I 
had to fight him on it. I once accused him of 
not being honest and he said, “Well, І might 
shade the truth a little.” Shade the truth? 
There's no room for shading the truth in 
journalism. What’s funny is that so many 
of these guys ended up working in jour- 
nalism. Look at George Stephanopoulos. 
He's Mr. Journalism now, which is ironic 
because he started closing the door to the 
press secretary's office his first week on the 
job. “Journalists keep out!” 

PLAYBOY: It sounds like he wasn’t your favor- 
ite gatekeeper. 

THOMAS: I was very unhappy with him when 
he came to the White House. Dee Dee Myers 
was the press secretary under Clinton, but 
Stephanopoulos was head of communica- 
tions and he kept forcing her out of the way 
and taking over. He ran the office with tight 
control, and since he made the mistake of 
wanting his briefings to be on TV, І kept ask- 
ing, “Why have a press secretary if we can't 
freely go and ask them private questions?” 
And it was heard from coast to coast. He 
didn't treat us civilly. But then immediately 
after he’s out of the White House, he wants 
to go into our profession. It's like he couldn't 
stand being out of the limelight. I mean, 
why should George Stephanopoulos have 
been a great journalist? Well, he’s not, in my 
book. The way he treated us. І don't want to 
sound like I hold a grudge, but you do have 
a memory for certain personalities. 
PLAYBOY: Has there ever been an honest 
press secretary? 

THOMAS: Jerry terHorst. He lasted one 
month. He was President Ford's press 
secretary. He had covered Ford in Wash- 
ington. He had been here for 29 years as 
a reporter from the Grand Rapids paper 
and then The Detroit News. He under- 
stood the press. But he was incapable of 


lying, and he quit when Ford pardoned 
Nixon, on the very day. He couldn't take 
it. Poor Jerry Ford. He just wasn’t ready 
to be president. He had prepared himself 
to be Speaker of the House and stepped 
into those shoes okay, but he just wasn’t 
equipped for the big job. We saw that Betty 
Ford struggled too, of course. 

PLAYBOY: You and Douglas Cornell, a White 
House correspondent for rival Associated 
Press, were married for 11 years before 
he died, in 1982. Did you ever regret not 
having children? 

THOMAS: Well, until Doug, boyfriends 
weren't exactly beating down the door, so 
Т had a clear path to be a reporter. І wor- 
ried about having children, actually, what it 
would have meant for them to have some- 
one working all the time. I know I should 
have done it, but I feel I didn’t miss any- 
thing. Can I get you some wine? 

PLAYBOY: It’s still pretty early in the day. 
No thanks. By the way, is it true what 
they say about political journalists being 
big drinkers? 

THOMAS: It used to be. Not so much 
anymore. 

PLAYBOY: Were you ever a drinker? 
THOMAS: І don't think I’m a heavy drinker, 
but I like to drink. 

PLAYBOY: What's your beverage of choice? 
THOMAS: Scotch. On the rocks. I like 
wine, too, and I like vodka and tonic. 
[laughs] With lots of limes. Sure you don't 
want something? 

PLAYBOY: No, thank you. Do you miss being 
at the White House every day? 

THOMAS: Of course I do. There's nothing 
to replace being there as a reporter with 
your eyes and your ears. You see things. 
You're not always in the know, but you get 
the atmosphere and so forth. Гуе had a 
great career. 

PLAYBOY: What's your hope for the future? 
THOMAS: On a political level, I hope for 
disarmament. Billions and billions are 
being spent every week on the war in 
Afghanistan, We have 700 military bases 
around the world. What do you think it 
costs to keep that war machine running? 
It's not working. I thought Obama would 
be for peace, but he’s not. There are no 


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peacemakers left. There's no antiwar 
movement to speak of. America just keeps 
going, keeps fighting, keeps spending. I 
want the killing to stop. 

PLAYBOY: How would you like to be 
remembered? 

THOMAS: As the person who asked why. 
That's what I want as my epitaph: "Why?" 
It’s always been my favorite question, even 
though it rarely gets answered. As I said 
before, because of what happened recently, 
people are going to remember me a certain 
way. The truth is, I don’t hate anybody. I 
care deeply about people. І care for the 
poor, the sick, the lame, the harmed, those 
who've been treated unjustly. I like the fact 
that you asked me if I'm nuts. People think 
you're nuts if you take a stand in this life. 
Те always cared about what happens in 
the world, and I think what the Israelis 
are doing is wrong. We have to care about 
our fellow man, and we don’t. Somehow 
we've lost that sense. It’s become almost a 
sin to care. But we are all God’s children, 
right? [laughs] 

PLAYBOY: Do you believe in God? 

THOMAS: Who knows? I was raised Greek 
Orthodox, but I never understood what 
was going on. In college I moved away from 
religion, and then when I went to work І 
would go to church with the president. Га 
pray to whatever god the president prayed 
to. I prayed to all of them—just in case. 
Now I just pray in hopes that something 
good will happen. I pray to whoever the 
gods may be. 

PLAYBOY: That makes sense. One last thing: 
1 heard you once say journalists shouldn't 
say thank you after an interview with a pol- 
itician. But you famously said “Thank you, 
Mr. President” for almost 50 years. 
THOMAS: I was following a tradition. My 
old colleague Merriman Smith was the one 
who invented the phrase during the Tru- 
man era. After that, whoever was the senior 
reporter at a news conference would say it. 
That was my role for many years. It’s okay 
10 say thank you. 

PLAYBOY: Well, thank you, Ms. Thomas. 
THOMAS: Thank you. 


NO, SILLY! 
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THE PASSENGER 


(continued from page 56) 
And if there was a slight queasiness 
behind my heart for the beginning of the 
trip, I chalked it up to my general nervous- 
ness about flying that’s only grown worse as 
I've gotten older. Something about taking 
airplanes to commit deadly sin seems like 
asking for trouble, even to a lapsed С; 
lic, I held my breath and waited, as I always 
do, for the plane to explode during takeoff; 
when it didn't, and we'd risen through the 
cloud wisps, and the ground below us had 
turned to cells on a slide, I fell asleep. At 
some point, I considered going back to the 
bathroom in coach—to say hello to you, if it 
was you—but then I remembered that there 
was a better bathroom in first class, and the. 
thought of tripping 
over a hundred tired 
travelers to get back 
to yours made my 
little mystery seem 
dreamy and ridicu- 
lous. I worried about 
plane crashes, after 
all. I took the girl 
to the doctor for poi- 
son ivy. 

James met me 
at the exit and we 
whirred into our 
weekend. San Fran- 
cisco glinted before 
us. We crested hills 
and let the car drive 
itself on inertia, on 
gravity. We kissed at 
lights like teenagers, 
like idiot children 
who don’t know what 
they're doing. 

. 


I'm convinced now 
that marriage is a 
doomed institution. 
It doesn't matter 
how interesting a 
person is when you 
get married; by the 
end, the two of you 
are melded into an 
autonomic nervous 
system that squirms 
and flinches as one. 
Paul tolerated me, humored me and proba- 
bly loved me, by any conventional definition 
of the word. But he'd long since stopped 
trying to get to know me any better— 
which I realize sounds ridiculous. After 
11 years of marriage, what more could he 
want to know? What kind of an ego would 
demand further scrutiny? But what I mean 
is, James assumed I was still learning, that 
I had opinions worth uncovering and 
challenging, that I was unfinished. I know 
that, in a marriage, James's interest in me 
would have retreated and slipped over the 
horizon; our great arguments and conver- 
sations would have shrunk to a technical, 
military shorthand; the space between us 
would have shifted to become unendur- 
ably small and also unbridgeable. But as 
it was, we weren't married. And in those 


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days—although it's hard for me to remem 
ber now—I was still attractive. My husband 
wasn’t blind to miss this. But to notice me 
consistently would have been like marveling 
daily over the mechanical accomplishments 
of your own eyeball. 

So that last weekend in San Francisco 
marked the end of many things for mi 
the bigger, more dramatic things, of course, 
but also the small thing of being asked a 
question by a man who was actually listen- 
ing to the answer. 

"What's the worst thing you've ever 
done?” James asked me that last weekend. 

still in the time of these cerebral, 
sophomoric questions, and maybe I should 
be grateful, always, that we never got much 
further. We had gone to sce the sea liens 
bark at us down near the water, І remem- 


WHAT ARE YOU 
WAITING FOR..;?.. 


- 


ber; we watched their elephantine shapes 
cast feral shadows on the ground. “This,” І 
said. “Of course.” The sea lions made ama- 
teur oboe sounds and sprayed oceanic mist 
out of their whiskers. James threaded his 
fingers through mine and we walked back 
to his apartment, where we had sex on the 
kitchen floor. I put my hand on the half- 
moon on his chest and felt grateful for the 
gaps between us, for the space that made 
space travel possible. 

I didn’t think about you that week- 
end until I was back on the airplane 
on Sunday afternoon, squinting against 
the light coming off the runway. In the 
beleaguered churn of passengers І sud- 
denly remembered your pink sweater, the 
dappled trill of your bouncing blonde 
ponytail. And 1 remembered the man, 


ааа 


too, and thought for the first time that 
his hair was dark and yours was light 
But then I thought of recessive genes, of 
statistics, of sanity, and I turned my atten- 
tion to my book. The plane rumbled and 
rose and we threw ourselves at the mercy 
of fate and mechanics. We landed in Bos- 
ton 30 minutes early, and 1 was home in 
time to wash the girls’ uniforms. 


It was Wednesday night, the day before your 
soccer practice, that we got the call. It was 
Ellen Larson who called—it would be her, 
of course: She was one of these miraculou: 

women who manage to work, reproduce 
at a breathtaking rate, do cutesy domes- 
tic crafts and involve themselves heavily in 
other people's lives, all at the same time— 
and she spoke to 
Paul. I was working 
on briefs in the study 

It was а short call and 
not too late at night, 
but something about 
the ring of the phone 
made me jump 

When Paul came into 
the study and closed 
the door behind him, 
I refused to look at 
him. І pretended to 
be finishing a sen- 
tence, but I wasn’t 
writing anything. 
I could feel my rib 
cage come unhinged, 
І could hear my heart 
flap sloppily away. 
I hadn't thought 
about you that week, 
not consciously, not 
in language that 
could be recorded 
or remembered. 
But when Paul came 
into my study, look- 
ing gray-faced and 
rational, I knew. I 
am telling you now: 
I knew. 

"What's wrong?” 
I said, because there 
was no point in pre- 
tending something 
wasn’t wrong. 

He took a stack 
of my papers off the footrest and placed 
them carefully on the floor—and there 
was more ominous foreshadowing in that 
gesture as in anything I’ve ever seen. 
Paul’s not generally a careful placer of 
things, and I’ve found that, in messy peo- 
ple, attention to detail arises mostly in 
times of biblical catastrophe. 

“Paul,” 1 said. “What's happened?” 

“You know Sarah Neelan, from the girls’ 
soccer,” he said. I’m not sure if it was said as 
a question or a statement, because when he 
said your name there was a bridge collapse 
inside my skull—cars were sucked into rush- 
water, things caught fire and feathery 
ashes flew like bats through the night air. 

“Yes,” I said. “What?” I saw your 
split-second face. I saw the turn of your 
anonymous shoulder. 


ml EN 


107 


PLAYBOY 


108 


“She's gone missing,” he said, and there 
was an apology in his voice—both for the 
horror of the news but also for the drama 
of the statement: Television has left us with 
no language for disaster that doesn't feel a 
little cheesy, a little canned. Paul winced. 
“She's been gone since Friday morning, 
Ellen Larson said.” 

“Why didn’t they tell us earlier?” It’s fair 
to say І wailed this. Paul looked startled and 
adjusted his glasses. 

“Well,” he said. “Ellen says there's some 
messy domestic situation. The parents are 
divorced, and there was talk it might bave 
been the father. It probably is the father. 
But they haven't found him yet, and they 
thought they would by now, so—they 
decided to sound the alarm. You know. Just 
in case.” Paul closed his eyes for a moment. 1 
knew he was thinking about what just in case 
might entail. І knew he was thinking about 
our daughters, about swing sets into dusk, 
about all the just-in-case precautions we'd 
probably overlooked and skipped in our safe 
neighborhood, in our untroubled lives. 

My vision started disappearing from the 
outside in and Paul’s voice became a dull 
buzz, and I remarked with some detachment 
that I was probably starting to pass out. 


When I came to, Paul had water and a look 
of mild concern. I knew he was thinking 
that this news was too much for me—that 
the idea of a harmed child had made me 
short-circuit and that [ was more fragile and 
fearful in my advancing age than Ве’ origi- 
nally thought. I let him think so. 

“Alice,” he said. He leaned forward. “We 
shouldn't tell the girls yet.” 

“Lknow,” I said. I thought about standing 
up but didn’t. Paul squeezed my hand dryly. 
A lesser man might have said that everything 
would be okay. 


‘That night, 1 paced furiously and thought. 
І tried to gauge how much І thought, really, 
that the girl Га seen had been you. I tried 
to re-remember the face of the girl I'd seen 
on the plane, but you'd dissolved by then 
into your discrete components: І could attest 
that the girl on the plane had been a blonde, 
soft-featured, five or six or seven, with а gen- 
eral appearance of upkeep and nourishment 
and middle-class attention. When I tried to 
see your actual face, though, all that came 
back at me was hallucination. Either the 
photo image of Sarah Neclan in her soc- 
cer uniform superimposed itself over the 


“He could have been great if he wasn’t so short.” 


Corel d ESC 
face of the girl on the plank orth? girl on’ 
the plane’s face disappeared into a surreal- 
istic vagueness. I could not reconjure the 
image of the actual girl no matter how hard 
1 tried, no matter how hard I squinted my 
eyes and clawed at the cobwebs in my mind, 
You were gone. 

So then I tried to remember what Pd 
thought at the time. If I'd really thought 
it was you at the time, I would have done 
something. I'm a good and sane person. If 
I'd seen you, І would have gone back to you 
to investigate. 

On the other side of the ledger, unarticu- 
lated and unconscious, was this: І wasn't on 
a plane to San Francisco. І was on a plane 
to Delaware. Being on a plane to San Fran- 
cisco is the end of my marriage, the end 
of my family. And also, 1 inferred disas- 
ter from missed phone calls, from chronic 
headaches, from turbulence. And also, if 
you were with your father, you were safe. 
Апа also, if you were not with your father, 
it was probably too late. 

1 didn't think these things out loud, not 
even in my own head. But I know they 
were there, squatting darkly on the scale. 
The price of having seen you and say- 
ing nothing was monstrous, cataclysmic, 
unthinkable and unforgivable. But there 
was a price, too, of not having seen you 
and saying something. 

I resolved that if you were not back by the 
next day, І would say something. I would go 
to whoever kept track of these things and 
say, Look. I don't know if I saw her, but 
I might have seen her, and this is where. 
Take my marriage, take my children. Take 
my whole life. І would. It was worth it. No 
matter the cost, no matter the disaster. I was 
going to tell. I was. I was. 


But I didn’t, and this is why: They found 
your father. 

It was Thursday, six days after the day I 
saw you, maybe, on the plane. I drove the 
girls to camp and I remember the morning 
as feeling almost apocalyptically beautiful. 
It was muggy and pre-thunderstorm; the 
trees cast wheeling green shadows on the 
ground. I felt a sort of frantic joy under- 
neath my horror, It seemed to be the last 
morning of the world, and suddenly pre- 
viously unseen beauties were appearing, 
hemorrhaging and flying away. 

Natalie was four and had little legs that 
kicked endlessly at the seat of whoever was 
unlucky enough to sit in front of her. Sam 
was six and engaged in tuneless, low-grade 
humming whenever she wasn’t speaking. 
She hummed through questions, and that 
morning І insisted on asking the girls a 
series of horrible, escalating questions— 
hoping, I guess, that they would reveal 
something that would absolve те. 

“Hey, Sam,” І said. “You know that 
friend of yours? Sarah N. from soccer?” 
Sam was humming the theme from Winnie 
the Pooh. Natalie was kicking in arrhythmic, 
exuberant bursts. “Nat,” I said. “Please 
stop kicking.” 

“She's not our friend,” said Sam, taking 
a breath. “She pinches,” said Natalie. “She 
pinches and she doesn’t pass in soccer.” 

“She doesn’t pass to you,” said Sam. “She 


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110 


Сото 
doesn't pass to you because you're a baby 
and you score in the wrong goal.” 

“Only once,” said Natalie, although it had 
happened more than once. She gave the felt 
of the seat a savage, unrelenting kick. Sam 
resumed her artless humming. “Anyway,” 
said Natalie. “I think she stopped soccer.” 

“Tm glad,” said Sam. 

“Stop it,” I said suddenly. І knew my voice 
had taken on the curdled, terrifying quality 
of an adult who is too upset to yell. In the 
rearview mirror, the girls looked stricken. 
“You girls need to be nice,” I croaked. 

“Okay, Mom,” they chimed. They were 
so obliging, my girls, so eager to make 
things right. 

“I need to ask you girls something," І said, 
le I had their attention and fear. 
‘Okay,” they whispered. 

“Have you girls ever seen Sarah N.'s dad? 
Has he ever come to your soccer games?” 

They were silent for a moment. Nat issued 
a thoughtful, reflective tap to the seat. 

“No,” said Sam. 

“No?” I said. “Think, guys. Has a man 
ever come to watch her? Pick her up?” 

“I don't think so,” said Sam, sounding 
less sure. 

“Yes,” said Natalie. “Remember, Sam? He 
brought balloons.” 


w 


IULII 


“No,” said Sam. “That wasn't her dad. He 
just gave her a balloon.” 

“I think it was her dad,” said Natalie 
confidently. 

“T think it was Alyssa’s dad,” said Sam. 

“Alyssa already has a dad,” said Natalie. 

“Tt was her other dad,” said Sam, 

“Ladies,” I said. “Do you know where 
Sarah N.’s dad lives? Like, has she ever 
mentioned going to California to visit 
him, maybe?” 

They were quiet again. “California, 
Mom?" said Nat in a small voice. “Is that in 
Massachusetts?” 

"No, dummy,” said Sam. “It's another 
state, on another ocean. Don't you know 
anything?” 

“Samantha,” I said. She hummed defi- 
antly. "Cut it out.” 

“We don’t know about her dad, Mom,” 
said Sam. “Why?” 

We turned down the gravel road to their 
camp, the car wheels making flinty crunch- 
ing on the ground. The wind was starting 
to pick up. 

“из gonna rain, guys,” I said. “Wear 
your coats.” 

“Mom,” said Sam sharply. “Why are you 
asking?” 

“Go on,” I said. “You're going to be late 


П 


m 


E 


"I can always count on my wife to rain on my parade!” 


to camp.” And so Sam cast me a dark look 
and Nat gave me a wet kiss and they were 
out, their little shapes becoming anony- 
mous and so, so small as they disappeared 
down the lane. 


Au work that day I ignored my meetings 
and waited for them to find or not find 
you. І sent all my calls to voice mail, which 
I then checked frantically. I didn't open the 
door. I didn't go to lunch, What I did was 
take out Q-tips and clean the dust out from 
between the keys of my computer. Then 
1 took Kleenex to the molding along the 
wall. Then I sat under my desk and tried to 
think about how it had come to this. 

The great silences between Paul and 
me had probably begun when Sam was a 
toddler, when it was easy not to notice— 
between the tantrums and the giggle fits 
and the miraculous acquisition of language 
and the careful video documentation of 
it all—that there were days, weeks, with- 
out adult conversation, without moments 
of honesty or sexuality or illumination. 
When Nat was born, Paul and I officially 
became co-ringleaders of a small domes- 
tic circus. We threw cues to each other, 
trusted each other with the nets and the 
trapdoors and the trick coffins. But after 
our work was done, we wanted nothing 
more than to retreat to separate tents. 
Leaving the other alone was the great- 
est kindness, the greatest act of love, that 
either of us could muster. 

I met James at a coffee shop—on the 
heels of some pickup line that’s too predict- 
able to think about now but at the time felt 
like the height of romantic intrigue—and, 
as one does, I told myself that it would only 
be the once. The fissures between Paul and 
me were so great that І didn't think І was 
breaking anything intact. But I respected 
our marriage as a social institution, as a 
child-rearing unit. І told myself I didn’t 
want something ongoing and corrosive, 
something that could make Paul hate me 
and make our children know it. 

But then, I told myself lots of things. 

1 kept seeing James, and the rest is just 
һе, І suppose. But whatever you're 
imagining, be a little more charitable. 
There was the marriage, yes—but clearly 
that isn't my biggest proble my greatest 
moral offense. I was just being pragmatic, 
trying to live with my obligations and have 
a small, secret happiness and avoid creating 
massive disruption or pain. It was utilitar- 
ian, it was modern and it was very, very 
common. When it’s done by powerful men, 
it's almost charming, it's almost humaniz- 
ing. We all agree that we were a classier 
and better people when we let it go with- 
out media scrutiny. 

If you want to know the truth, then, there 
are times I’m mad at you. That sounds ter- 
rible, I know, and that's because it is. But 
sometimes, І can't help it; І can’t help think- 
ing that if you'd been different—if you'd 
been more like my girls, for example, and 
you'd actually listened to your mother, and 
you'd actually followed the rules—this never 
would have happened to us. 

When I blinked, you were inside my 
eyelids. You lived there, perpetually 


half turning away from me; your pony- 


tail bobbed, your sweater flashed bright 
through the thicket of dun-colored adult 
clothing. From what ГА seen of you on the 
plane, I told myself, І couldn't have picked 
you out of a lineup. І couldn't have recog- 
nized you in a yearbook picture. І couldn't 
have identified your body. 

When Paul called, I called him back so 
quickly І interrupted his voice mail to me. 
“Whar is it?" I said desperately, as though 
he'd just woken me up for the sixth time in 
a row to tell me about his dreams. 

“Alice,” Paul said. Even though the chil- 
dren were at camp, he was whispering. 
“They found Sarah’s father.” 

Suddenly, I was seized with a lunging, 
childish hope. It was the kind of hope that 
kept Sam believing in Santa Claus even after 
she'd caught us рш 
ting out the toys; it 
was the kind of hope 
that prompted Nat to 
keep looking for our 
disappeared, defi- 

ly dead cat a year 
after he'd gone miss- 
ing. “Okay,” I said. 
“He's being es- 
corted back here by 
the cops. He says he 
doesn't know any- 
thing about it but, you 
know. He’s probably 
got her with relatives 
or something.” 

“Okay.” 

“This whole thing's 
really got you shaken 
up, huh?” Paul's voice 
had dropped a regis- 
ter. He had adopted 
the competent com- 
passion he used on 4 
the children, the kind 
that led him to fur- 
row under their beds 
looking for monsters 
and to catch small 
spiders in his bare 
hands. He would 
always make Nat 
and Sam look for the 
monsters along with 
him, because, as he 
said, any monster 
technically belongs to 
the girl whose bed it lives under. He'd make 
them look at the spiders in the light, under 
magnifying glasses, until the girls would stop 
seeing terror and start seeing evolution. 

^] guess,” І said. "It's just so shocking.” 
That was the worst part, maybe: lying to 
Paul about it. I don’t know why that got 
me; lying to Paul was like a hobby, like a 
"Tourettic tic. Maybe it was the use of the 
word shocking. That wasn't like me 
so shrill and tinged with secret fast 
It was like turning my head away from you 
all over again. 

“Well,” said Paul, and I could see him 
adjusting his glasses and straightening up. 
“We don't know anything for sure, but I bet 
everything will be okay.” 

Paul. He always hedged his bets. He was 
а man of modest expectations, of reasonable 


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hopes for his life and mine. He didn't want 
so wildly much in life that he shouldn't have 
gotten it. 

But I said something wrong earlier, and 
you probably already know it. Lying to Paul 
was not the worst рап. 


‘They already had a search under way, in 
the woods out behind the soccer field. 
People were going through it arm in arm 
with flashlights and cadaver dogs. There 
were police. There were volunteers, The 
men of the community were there, united 
in the grim satisfaction of rising to meet 
a horrific challenge. The women were 
out with sandwiches and coffees. They'd 
wrapped your mother in a blanket, and 
she sat shaking and shaking until she 


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spilled her coffee all over her blanket. 
That made everybody feel better, because 
it gave the women something to do—find 
a new coffee, find a new blanket—and 
that was a good thing. When they found 
your father they called off the search for 
the night, since it was almost dusk, and 
when you are looking for a person in a 
field there is not as much of a hurry to 
find them there. 

I went over to her, your mother. I wanted 
to see if I could see you in her, if her face 
would unlock some certainty in me that І 
couldn’t provoke by myself. She looked wan. 
She looked shattered. She did not look like 
the little girl on the plane, or any little girl, 
for that matter. 

I put my hand on her shoulder, which 
felt unnatural. There was no relationship 


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between my hand and her shoulder; my 
hand was not doing her shoulder any good. 
It hung there, strange and intrusive, limp 
with its own uselessness. 

“Susan,” І said. “I am so, І am so, so 
sorry.” 

Your mother and I, we had not been 
friends, if you want the truth. We'd chap- 
eroned you all together a few times, and we 
quickly understood that we would never 
really like each other. There was a brief 
dispute on politics—so archaic now, so 
pointless—but it was the kind of dispute 
that leaves you civil and agreeing to dis- 
agree and glad to live in a democracy but 
knowing that there is no possible universe 
in which you and this new opponent will 
ever, ever be friends. Your worlds exist 
on different planes, your moral schemas 
are fundamentally 
at odds. You do not 
share the premises 
that would lead to 
constructive engage- 
ment. The one thing 
I liked about your 
mother is that she 
saw this as clearly as 
I did, and afterward 
we were always as 
polite as the circum- 
stances demanded 
and as distant as 
the circumstances 

lowed. 

But still: This was 
different. This was 
what counted. 

“Tm sorry,” I said 
again, and this time she 


were large and 


“What are you 
sorry for?” Her voice 
was tight and high 


sorry that—this 
is happening,” I 
said, There was a 
moment, maybe, 
when I thought 
that she might have 
guessed—that she'd 
looked through me 

somehow and seen the worst thing inside 
that there was to see. But then the feel- 
ing scaled back, and I felt the marginal 
calm that comes from temporary escape 
even if you're still erasing your footprints 
in the river, even if you're still running. 
Of course she hadn't seen. Of course she 
didn’t know. 
“I just can’t imagine,” I said. Although I 
could. I had. 

“It's fine. They're going to find her,” she 
said. “It’s fine.” 

Yes," І said. "Of course. 

Just so you know, here are some things 
1 would have traded in to tell about you: 
my life's savings, my bone marrow, my kid- 
ney, both my degrees, a decade of my life, 
assuming a normal life expectancy. For 
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have told about you. Even if I wasn’t sure, 
Even if | was wrong. 

“They will,” your mother said. “It’s my 
fucking ex. This is a custody stunt. It’s 
embarrassing.” 

“Is it? It is?" І said it greedily, wanting 
to hear more. І wished ГА agreed with 
her on guns, on abortion, on apocalyptic 
sinning of the gays, just so that she would 
take me into her confidence right now 
and tell me with certainty that this was, 
in fact, the work of her fucking ex. 

“It is,” she said. “Just between you and 
me”—she leaned in, and this was how I 
knew her judgment was compromised, that 
she wanted to posit anything, just between 
her and me—“all this is just for show.” 
She waved her arms at the stands of white 
pines, the men muttering in dense clumps, 
the women packing up the orange travel 
mugs. “All this is just to let him know I'm 
fucking serious. That he can't dick with me 
on this, you know?” 

“Yeah,” I said, “I know.” And then 
there were women descending upon her 
again, swaddling her in further layers 


of donated blankets—blue 1970s-style 
afghans and hand-me-down quilts and 
purple fleece blankets purchased from 
outdoor-living magazines, suitable for 
arctic camping—and she stood up, her 
face breaking, and she started to cry. 


I called James that night, from the bath- 
room off my study. I turned on the water 
in the bathtub all the way, let it gallop in 
environmentally irresponsible cascades. I 
had been putting off calling him because І 
knew what he would say. 

“Tsaw a girl who went missing,” I said, as 
soon as he picked up the phone. 

“What? Alice? You what?” 

“There was a girl on the plane out to San 
Francisco. I saw her. It was a girl my girls 
know. Now she’s missing. James, I’m saying, 
І saw her on the plane.” 

There was a pause for translation. 

“You're sure?" said James. 

“No,” 1 said. “No.” All of a sudden I felt 
crazily angry. This was like asking a can- 
cer patient if there was any chance—any 


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chance—that the tumor on the slide was 
a trick of photography. It was like asking 
if some soldier missing in Vietnam might 


“No, I'm not fucking sure,” I said. “How 
can you be sure about something like that?” 

There was another pause, and 1 knew 
that James was using a trick on me I’ve seen 
him use on other people: pausing to make 
them hear themselves if he thinks they've 
said something asinine. 

“Well,” he said. “Did you see her or not?” 

“І don't know," I said miserably. “It was a 
girl who looked like her. | remember think- 
ing how much it looked like her.” 

“Did you say anything to her at the time?” 

“No,” І . "I told myself it wasn't her.” 

“Alice,” said James, and his voice adopted 
a faint patronizing sheen. “Pm sure if you'd 
really seen her, you would have noticed.” 

Some men think women don't hear 
condescension, like dogs don't see color. 
In retrospect, I suspect that this is when 
1 lost him. 

“You're just shaken up,” he said. “You're 
just worried about your own kids. You prob- 
ably need some rest.” 

“I have to go,” І said. “I’m wasting the 
water.” But in fact I kept sitting there on 
the side of the bathtub, letting the water 
fill up the tub faster than it could drain, 
contemplating the costs of flooding the 
whole house. 

Afterward I went and sat at the foot of 
the girls’ beds. They looked so different, 
sleeping. With their eyes closed and their 
hair tossed frenziedly around and their lit- 
tle mouths hanging half open, with their 
inward expressions and shadowed features, 
they weren't quite their waking selves. They 
were symbolic of my children. They were 
nocturnal stand- 

In their worst nightmares, the ones that 
woke them up and brought them weeping 
into our bed, there were bears in the back- 
yard, snakes in the living room. 


I sat up all night and waited for the call 
saying that your father didn't really have 
you, that that theory had been a mistake. 
1t came in the early morning, before the 
girls were up. The morning light was the 
wretched color it always is when it comes 
before you've managed to sleep. Reams of 
mist came hissing up from the ground, as 
though all the long-dead ghosts had decided 
together to give a standing ovation. 

Tt was Ellen Larson—again—and Paul 
picked up first—again—but I sat with 
the phone in the study, shivering in my 
nightgown, and heard Ellen Larson say 
that camp was canceled and soccer was 
canceled and most civic activities of the 
day were canceled because they'd found 
security videotape of Sarah Neelan with 
a strange man at Logan Airport from last 
Friday. І hung up. 

T put on my shoes, and І put on a bra 
and jeans, and I left on the nightgown, and 
1 put on a fleece to cover it up. It was cold 
even though it was summer; winter couldn't 
stand to let you forget that it would some- 
day be back to try to kill you. I took out 
frozen waffles for the girls and left them 


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when the girls woke up. 

I drove down Route Two, watching Bos- 
ton materialize in the distance—its ares 
and humps and jagged edges making it 
look first like a beached whale and then a 
modest spaceship and then a city. I turned 
off at the Arlington police station, I left the 
car running and I walked in through the 
front door with my nightgown hanging 
halfway out the back of my jeans. 

The police station was quiet, the wait- 
ing area leaking enfeebled light. The front 
room was spackled with a few listless indi- 
vid in moments of bad luck and poor 
decisions, although 1 couldn't help but 
think that none of them—not the drunks 
or the drug users or the petty thieves— 
had had worse luck, had made worse 
decisions, than I had. I walked up to the 
front desk where a woman sat chewing 
gum aggressively. 

“Ma’am,” she said. “Can І help you?” 

“І saw her,” І said. “І saw Sarah Neelan.” 

The woman raised her eyebrows. She 
knew who Sarah Neelan was. Sarah Nee- 
lan had been the biggest thing to happen 
to the Arlington Police Department since 
the midnight arrival of the British. The 
woman snapped her gum. 

“And where did you see Sarah Neelan?" 
she said. 

“I saw her on a plane to San Francisco." 

I could have said I saw her at Logan, I 
realize. But then they wouldn't have known 
where to look for what was left. 

"And when was this?" 

"Last Friday,” I said. "On a plane to San 
Francisco last Friday 

The woman disappeared for a moment 
and returned with another cop—this one 
with a frown-shaped mustache and an enor- 
mous barrel chest—who led me into a room. 
The woman stayed standing. The man sat 
down and passed me a cup of water. 

"$0," the man said mildly, as though we 
were discussing events that had happened a 


longtime ago and were of no immediate con- 
sequence. "You say you saw Sarah Neelan?" 

“T think I did,” I said. The floor went 
sideways and the man’s face started to fade, 
but all of a sudden I could see you more 
clearly than I ever had before: your partic- 
ular arrangement of features, the specificity 
that makes us know a person from a dis- 
tance, or out of context, or many years later, 
that makes us know it when we run into our 
college roommate in South America or our 
kindergarten teacher at a strip club, I hadn't. 
seen you clearly, maybe, not exactly. But Pd 
known you, and I'd known I'd known you, 
and now I would have to live with it. 

“I think I did,” I said. “Oh my God. І 
really think I did.” 


Imagination is like memory. We can’t know 
for sure, but we can guess. 

You were taken on your way home from 
soccer, since your mother was late picking 
you up, and you were mad at her for being 
late, and you lived two blocks away. You 
ran away in your cleats while the coaches 
were dealing with a bee sting. 

He was driving by on the empty gravel 
road. He'd been doing business in the city. 
‘That much we know. We don’t think he 
had ever done this before. There is no evi- 
dence that he had. It was just something 
he'd always been meaning to do. That's why 
he took you with him on the plane, which 
was reckless on his part. After all, somebody 
could have seen you. 

You were mad at your mother, and you 
were looking for an adventure. If you'd 
grown older, you would have hiked the 
Appalachian Trail by yourself. 

You landed in San Francisco, and you 
filed out with the man beside you—after 
the security guards had waved me away 
and Га already started defiling my mar- 
riage in a rental car. 

You were taken to a house and then a 
basement. Evil things were done to you, 


and they think some of them were done to 
you before you were killed. You don’t need 
me to go into details. You don’t need me 
to remind you. 

Afterward you were thrown іп a field. He 
threw himself off the Golden Gate Bridge, 
which was another thing he'd always been 
meaning to do. 

They found him weeks later; bloated and 
distorted, a soggy and inarticulate note in 
his pocket. The relevant message was: I'm 
sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. 

They had already found and identi- 
fied you—matching your baby teeth to the 
records from your pediatric dentist. You 
were on your way home the day after I stag- 
gered into the police station. 


It was resolved fairly quickly after that, 
but I did have to go in a few more times to 
issue formal statements. Your mother knew 
the details, of course, and then Ellen Lar- 
son knew the details, and so Paul would 
have known the details even if I hadn't 
decided to tell him. But I did tell him—I 
told him everything—and I expected 
him to scream at me, throw a plate at me, 
divorce me. I expected him to ask me how 
1 could have done such a thing. But now 
1 look back, and I realize that he already 
had his answer. 

He stayed. He made coffee every 
morning. He said nothing. Except that 
every day for the rest of our marriage, 
everything—every look, every gesture— 
said this: I am doing the right thing. 

My girls got older. They went away to 
college. They grew up into women who 
are smart and morally self-righteous and 
curt with me on the telephone. You, of 
course, stayed six forever, and you are the 
only one who still listens to me. 

Once the girls left, I went out to San 
Francisco. I didn't go to be with James. 
No person could be worth the sacrifice Га 
made for this person. But I liked the city, 
and I liked being where you last were, and 
1 liked being where I last was, too—because 
in a way, it felt as though we'd both been 
dismembered here and rendered unrecog- 
nizable to ourselves. This is where we last 
stood upright and walked whole. 

I wrote a letter to your mother, but 
it came back unread. It was a mess of a 
letter anyway—digressive, self-pitying, self- 
rationalizing. But the relevant message was: 
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I’m sorry. 

I volunteer here and donate canned goods 
and give blood every eight weeks, but I’m 
not trying to make it up to you. I wouldn't 
presume to try. 

Eventually, in your long life, you would 
have come here—on business, maybe, or 
with a man you loved—and you would have 
gone down to the water, like everyone does. 
I stand there sometimes and wait for you. 
The ocean turns colors. The sea lions honk 
and rear. And 1 think about how these are 
different sea lions from the ones I watched 
with James all those years ago—those sea 
lions are dead now, breaking apart deep 
in the ocean, bleeding into salt—but you'd 
never be able to tell the difference. 


DANCING IN THE STREETS 


(continued from page 89) 
Leicester Square, straight into the melee. 
‘The police had just lost control of the situ- 
ation and were retreating up Charing Cross 
Road in a makeshift testudo, riot shields 
held overhead to protect themselves from a 
hail of bottles, stones and scaffolding poles. 
But what was still more deranging were the 
drinkers outside the Porcupine pub, stand- 
ing within feet of the battle, smoking and 
clutching their pints while pointing out the 
finer points of the action. A mounted police- 
man herded us noncombatants back toward 
Leicester Square, saying quite calmly, “If 
you don't mind, ladies and gentlemen...” 

It was this theatricality that I could sec 
unfolding before my eyes as I went through 
the police line and walked casually beside 
Parliament. I had effectively stepped into the 
wings of the theater, and here were the big- 
booted ballerinas awaiting their call: police 
helping one another on and off with their 
kit, reporters cross-legged on the ground, 
tapping copy into their laptops, and farther 
along, drawn up in front of the medieval 
Jewel Tower, those iron-shod principal danc- 
ers, a mounted squad. The cavalry charge is 
to the British riot what tear gas and water 
cannons are to the continental European 
gig, and when I saw the horsemen—who 
had a peculiarly centaur-like appearance 


due to the fluorescent yellows worn by both 
the cops and their mounts—I realized things 
were about to escalate. 

Further confirmation came from the vol- 
leys of flares, fireworks and other projectiles 
that I could now see were being thrown at the 
northwestern corner of the square. Clearly the 
police were intent on ketding the demonstra- 
tors, a tactic used in recent years whereby the 
mob is surrounded and temporarily impris- 
oned for hours. I worked my way round 
behind the Abbey and up through Smith 
Square and gained Victoria Street at the point 
where the missiles were being thrown, in time 
to see another mounted squad surge into the 
rioters, who parted like a ragged cloth. 

‘This charge of the heavy brigade was the 
point at which the Metropolitan Police defin- 
itively lost control of the situation. Later 
armchair analysts said the “professional anar- 
chists” used Google Maps to locate squads of 
police and outmaneuver them; this may or 
may not be true, but in my experience the 
average London teenager is handier with 
an iPhone than any paid-up agitator. Suffice 
to say that in the next few hours the armies 
of the night fanned out across central Lon- 
don, marauding gangs heading up into the 
West End to smash the windows of depart- 
ment stores and generally run amok. And 
into the midst of all this came the Prince of 
Wales and the Duchess of Cornwall in their 
Roller, en route for—you couldn't make this 


up—the Royal Variety Performance. 

This, a hangover from the British vaude- 
ville tradition, consists of cheesy popular turns 
entertaining their doubtless ennui-drenched 
majesties. But before the prince and his swain 
could get there they were surrounded by a 
mob on Regent Street that bayed “Off with 
their heads!” while kicking the car, splash- 
ing it with paint and eventually breaking one 
of its windows. It was a fitting culmination 
to a theatrical day that also saw the rioters 
remaining in Parliament Square smashing 
the windows of Her Majesty's Treasury while 
chanting “We want our money back!” That 
the son of Pink Floyd guitarist David Gilmour 
was among those climbing atop the Cenotaph 
only helped to make the whole topsy-turvy 
riot that much more Alician. 

But a wonderland contemporary Britain 
is not; something has happened in the past 
decade not only to make these kids disaf- 
fected but to inure them to all but the most 
stagy of impulses. When the curtain finally 
fell that night, London hospitals were full of 
the injured from all sides. As for any Nor- 
man Mailer-ish impulses І may have had, 
they were safely contained: I was tucked 
up at home, watching the aftermath on the 
box. After all, it’s one thing to take up arms 
against a conspiracy, but battling a cock-up 
is the lowest form of farce. 


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116 


POSSUM 


(continued from page 92) 
are very strict with the artists today. It's a 
business now. They don’t want you hang- 
ing out with this or that person. They take 
over your life. I told them they could kiss my 
you know what, because I do what I want 
when I'm off, and I'm going to do what I 
want when I’m on.” 


It was a cold, close December evening when the 
dense fog, which had blanketed the southeast 
Texas coastline from Beaumont to Beeville for 
days, made crossing the 12-mile stretch of Farm 
Road 2100, between Huffman and Humble, an 
exercise in insanity. “All socked in,” the locals 
said, referring to the weather conditions, and 
folks in their right mind were staying put. I, on 
the other hand, being 16 and indestructible, had 
no fear of this or any other highway. 

“This here’s nothing in the world but head-on- 
collision weather,” Lester Ressler told me when I 
requested the loan of his truck for the night, splat- 
tering Beech-Nut tobacco juice into his ever-present 
Folgers coffee can. This leathery cattleman had recently 
assumed a fatherly role in my tetherless existence. 

"It's only drunks and peckerwoods would 
want to get out in that mess, and it don't take 
no law degree to know which one of ет you're 
fixing to light out of here as. Hellfire, son, Га 
as soon talk to a mule as I would a fool all het 
up over some split-tail. You go on and take the 
truck over to Humble, see that gal if you want 
to, but don't come whining to me when you wind 
up dead out yonder in a ditch.” 

Such were the cultural conventions in 1966, 
characterized by an illogical mix of stern truth and 
poetic whimsy: With romance on the horizon, a few 
feet of flalland visibility amounted to a mountain 
vista. So, in accordance with the times, without a 


4 


SPORTS SH 


valid driver's license or any experience of driving 
in the soup, I eased Lester's rusted-out half-ton 
Dodge onto the road and an hour later was knock- 
ing, unscathed, on Roxy Clayton's door. 

Td met her the Saturday before, when the Arbi- 
trators, a band Га left home to join the previous 
spring, played the Humble sock hop for the second 
and last time. Up there on the rec-hall bandstand, 
I couldn't take my eyes off the 1960s-hip girl danc- 
ing all the slow songs with the same lanky cowboy. 
During a break, while I was pretending not to 
wrestle with the paralyzing truth that I was pro- 
foundly graceless without a guitar in my hands, 
she sirolled over and casually introduced herself. 

“Hi, Pm Roxy,” she announced. “Your band 
does а good job аріп the Beatles and the Кой- 
ing Stones. And your other singer sounds pretty 
good on the Beach Boys’ slow songs.” Then she 
paused, which I read as а command to pay close 
attention. “But the country music yall play is some 
of the worst Гое ever heard. I live just a couple 
of blocks from here, so why don’t you drop by the 
house sometime and listen to my George Jones 
records? You won't be sorry you did.” 


When I was growing up in East Houston, 
the only place my parents would even con- 
sider dining out was the Prince's drive-in a 
few blocks from Navigation Boulevard. I ask 
George what he would order if he could go to 
Prince's today. "I'd probably get a beer and 
talk to that second wife I had,” he says. “I 
believe that's where I met my boys’ mother, 
Shirley Corley. She was a carhop. 1 saw her 
up there one day and thought she was awful 
cute. I ordered a beer and left her a big tip. 
It was everything I had in my pocket. The 
next time I came back she couldn't wait to 
serve me because І tipped her so good. She 
was from Temple, Texas. She was working in 
Houston and staying with two or three other 
girlsin an apartment, which I never did see. 


— 


ОР 
4 


Release: Storeblags € FariteMag 


1 just didn’t wait but about two weeks and 
1 married her.” 


The truthful rejoinder that I loved George Jones and. 
had loved him ever since hearing “Why Baby Why” 
on the radio—and that Пер! a stack of his LPs next to 
ту cot in a band member's bedroom—presented itself 
instantly, but despite an intense desire to hold up ту 
as yet speechless end of the conversation by any means 
possible, І squelched the urge to identify myself as а 
Jan. This admission might lead to an unwanted dis- 
‘sion that would reveal to my future paramour that 
the Arbitrators weren't keen on aping anything that 
came out of Nashville. Any disclosure of the band's 
policy оп country music—at the time favoring such 
novelty songs as “Tve Got a Tiger by the Tail” and 
“Act Naturally,” recorded on the West Coast would, 
Iwas convinced, render her invitation obsolete. 

"When?" І asked timidly. 

“Friday,” she said, sticking a slip of paper with 
her address and phone number into my jacket 
pocket. “My boyfriend’s up in the bareback, rid- 
ing at the Aldine rodeo.” 


Johnny Cash once told me he and George 
Jones wrote “Why Baby Why” in the backseat 
ofa car on their way to a show. He said George 
was dog drunk and Johnny was flying high on 
speed. According to his story, George sobered 
up and recorded the song, but Johnny never 
had the nerve to remind George the two of 
them had written it together. I'm not sure 
Johnny had the right song, but I ask George 
about и. “‘Why Baby Why’ was written with 
a guy from my hometown, Darrell Edwards,” 
says George. “It was his idea, and Г more or 
less put the melody to it and maybe a word 
or two here and there, so we split the song. I 
think Johnny confused it with “You Gotta Be 
My Baby.’ I was at Johnny's house on Tutwiler 
Avenue in Memphis when he had his first hits. 
We went shopping. He bought a white sports 
coat, but I don’t remember ever seeing him 
wear it. I sat down on the couch with a guitar 
and was singing him a little bit of “You Gotta 
Ве My Baby, and he helped me write it.” 


Festooned in rock-and-roll regalia—black slacks, 
white shirt, blue corduroy jacket and drenched in 
English Leather cologne—I was greeted by Roxy 
Clayton’s mother and led inio the living room, 
a sanctum of soft light and exotic fabric that 
bestowed the feel of an artists salon or perhaps a 
tordello, Positioned against the far wall, where 
you'd expect to find the famil television set, was 
‘a walnut stereo console bookended by records of 
every genre. By the front window stood a perfectly 
proportioned Christmas tree. I accepted the offer 
of a hot Dr Pepper and settled in. 

Presently Roxy popped through the door, bare- 
foot and radianily casual in tight blue jeans and 
а pink cashmere sweater. "I knew the weather 
‘wouldn't hold you back,” she said, flashing a smile 
more dazzling than 10 Christmas trees, and then 
launched into a two-and-a-helf-hour tutorial on 
her “favorite singer in the world. 

Бот behind the stereo's sliding door she produced 
her collection of George Jones records, from hi-fi 
albums to 45у. She eased the needle onto a first- 
Tun pressing of “Why Baby Why” and essentially 
willed me to grasp the rascally humor that made the 
record as sizzling on the 30th play as it was on the 
first. could have said I knew the song well, having 


tonal 


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played it as an 11-year-old drummer in my daddys 
honky-tonk band, but I construed that the evening's 
romantic payoff lay more in what she wanted me to 
hear than in anything I might volunteer 

Next she spun an album version of "You Gotta 
Be My Baby,” pronouncing it a worthy follow-up 
to “Why Baby Why” and praising both as being at 
least as good as Chuck Berry's “Maybellene” and 
“Johnny B. Goode.” This girl knew her music. 


Performers will tell you George Jones ranks 
alongside the greatest pure vocalists of the 
past 90 years. І ask him what he thinks 
about his legacy. 

“Tm satisfied up to a point,” he says. "I 
didn’t take my work that serious. If I had 
paid more attention when I recorded so 
many of my songs, I would have done a bet- 
ter job. І think I did better on some album 
stuff. A lot of times you had to learn the 
song on the set. You can't feel it at all until 
you sing it a few times, so I quit doing that. 
1 tried to do an album with Willie Nelson, 
and they didn't allow us time to get together 
so I could go over songs and discuss how to 
do them. He started singing a song I heard 
my daddy sing when I was a kid. But hell, 
I didn't know the other songs. We did two 
or three together and I told him, “Willie, І 
know you're used to doing things like this, 
which is fine, but I can't do that. Гуе got to 
learn and know a song before I can sing it. 
You got to have the feeling with you.” 

I ask George which he regrets more: the 
choices he made as a performer and the 
records he made, or some of the things he was 
known for—like having too much fun, get- 
ting drunk and getting into trouble. “A lot of 
times Га get maybe a little too far gone in the 
middle of an album session,” he says. “I could 
have done a better job on a lot of stuff I did. 
Most of the time it's just another song. I wish I 
would have taken as much patience with each 
and every one of the songs as І should have. 
We all have little things we look back on and 
realize we made some mistakes. It’s a touchy 
thing once you get older and realize it's too 
late to go back and do them over.” 


I sensed, rightly, that we were coming up on 
her favorite period in Jones's still-young career 
when she held close to her bosom a compila- 
tion of his late-1950s and early-1960s songs, 
starting with “Color of the Blues” and ending 
with “Things Have Gone to Pieces.” And the 
legendary hillbilly singer from Kountze, Texas, 
whose music І thought I knew as well as any 
country or rock-and-roll singer’s, was trans- 
formed, by the cutest girl I could imagine, into 
a crew-cut heartthrob who, with the sound of 
his voice and her 15-year-old devotion to it, 
turned broken windows and burned-out light- 
bulbs into gut-wrenching tragedies. 

With my own eyes I saw the glistening mist 
behind hers when, during “The Window Up 
Above,” he crooned, “For last night he held 
you tightly and you didn’t even shave; this is 
true for Pue been watching you from the win- 
dow up above,” and how I ached to hold her 
close and swear т my grandmother's grave 
that I would do everything in my power to see 
that Roxy Clayton never knew hurt so deep. 


Declaring “White Lightning” and “The Race 
Is On” necessary to the overall pacing of our 
musical journey, Roxy used the up-tempo num- 
bers to slip out to the kitchen for more hot Dr Pep- 
per and Fritos pie. She was back on the couch in 
time to pronounce “She Thinks I Still Care” the 
greatest country song ever writlen—and Jones's 
performance of it stronger than anything Hank 
Williams or Lefty Frizzell had ever managed to 
achieve—so I was hardly surprised when she 
played the record six times running. 


George and 1 talk about his musical influ- 
ences, afier Hank Williams. “When I started 
hearing country music—it was the only music, 
really—it was on the Opry.” he says. “I lived 
in east Texas, and it was always Roy Acuff 
and Bill Monroe. I was kind of bluegrass ori- 
ented and still am, with Alison Krauss and 
some of those. If you get to studying Jimmie 
Rodgers, some of his yodeling was just as sad 
as any words the story could tell. Hank Snow 
is another one. Being in the same business, 
sometimes you don't realize the genuineness 
of people, their authenticity. You take them 
for granted because you know them so well. 
I couldn't get into Elvis at all, but now І see 
his greatness. I listen to his gospel songs espe- 
cially. It's the same with Hank Snow. A lot 
of people know he played the guitar, but it's 
hard for them to realize how much talent he 
had, The man could pick a song. I always got 
tied up so much in the heart-and-soul feel- 
ing of a melody that I'd lose what the words 
meant. The words might have meant nothing, 
and therefore it wasn't a hit. Melodies I got. I 
get loo into melodies. But a good ballad with- 
outa good melody ain't going to work.” 


Around 10:30 Mrs. Clayton poked her head in the 
doorway and, motioning for her daughter to turn 
down the music, said, “Roxy, ше can't let this boy go 
back out in that fog tonight. When yall get through 
in here, make hin a pallet on the sofa.” And to me she 
confided, “That girl loves George Jones. Watch out 
she don't keep you up all night playing his records,” 
“Night, Mom,” Roxy said, her faux sarcasm 
а playful dismissal of this forewarning. Once she 
turned the volume so sensually low that I could have 
sworn every light in the тот dimmed accordingly, 
the ecening’s ambiance shifted from а quasi-romantic 
music-appreciation class to something far more inti- 
mate, Electricity ran down through my head and 
up through my feet, with the currents meeting half 
а dozen vertebrae south of my solar plexus, which 
required some repositioning inside my black slacks. 
With George Jones crooning quietly, I struggled to 
stay focused as Roxy shared with me the secrets of a 
heartso big and so wounded—starting with her absen- 
tee father and ending with the lanky cowboy—that 
only “The King of Broken Hearts” (the ttle of Jim 
 Lauderdale's excellent homage) could have provided 
the soundtrack for its unburdening. Well past two 
o'clock she thanked me for listening to her woes and 
‘rummaged around in the hall closet for clean sheets, a 
Blanket and a pillow. And then, just before pulling the 
plug on her favorite singer after eight straight hours, 
Roxy Clayton kissed me sweetly on the mouth. “Sleep 
light,” she said and disappeared up the stairs. 


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лаў эйр ра s. The only 
Bore що ne: 40 Ed on to the 
next town the next night and do it all over 
again. І ask him if it was hard to live up to 
everybody's expectations. 

“No, it wasn't that hard,” he says, laugh- 
ing. "We loved the music so much we just. 
lost track of the right way. But we were hav- 
ing fun, enjoying ourselves too much." 


Lay there on the sofa and, in the light of the Christ- 
таз tree, pondered my situation. Not divulging that 
Thad more than a passing knowledge of George 
Jones's music was, 1 decided, less dishonest than 
inspired. The evening’s arc had been almost entirely 
Roxy's creation, апа I was certain this led to its ter- 
der conclusion. Sleep claimed me just before another 
gray daun deigned to fog up the windows. 
. 


Task George when he had the most fun in his 
career. The question seems to stump him fora 
moment. “I never did realize having the hits,” 
he says. “I never thought about it that much. Т 
loved to hunt the songs and sing, but I never 
thought how serious it was as a job. І always 
looked at it more as something І loved to do— 
and, my God, I found out I could get paid 
for it, too. І loved something Waylon said: 
Don't come to Nashville looking for glory and 
expecting big things and money and dollar 
signs. You have to care. You got to love it; you 
got to live it. You don’t come thinking about all 
the fantastic parties and glory and money and 
fun you can have. You come with one thing 
on your mind: You want to sing.” 


Three hours later I was being treated by Mrs. 
Clayton to the first french toast Га ever eaten, 
and praising every mouthful. That is, until 
the world’s most enthralling George Jones fan 
padded sleepily into the kitchen, poured a cup 
of coffee and added two spoonfuls of sugar. 
Plopping down in the chair opposite mine, the 
previous night's enchantress tucked both knees 


under her chin, twice declined her mother’s offer 
of a breakfast identical to mine and proceeded, 
with fork in hand, to pillage my plate. Satisfied 
that she'd filched all the most syrupy morsels, 
Roxy lifted her eyes to meet mine. “How about 
it, Mr. Arbitrator? After last night, yall gonna 
learn to play ony George Jones songs?” 

“Our next practice session,” 1 affirmed truthfully. 


Back in 1969 I attended a package show 
at the George Jones ranch in Vidor, Texas. 
Lefty Frizzell, Merle Haggard and Buck 
Owens played, and George topped the bill. 
‘There was a flatbed trailer positioned at 
the end of George's rodeo arena, and right 
off the bat Lefiy came out in his cowboy 
suit with a big |-200 Gibson, drunk as a 
skunk. He fell off the front of the stage and 
smashed his guitar. (“Broke it all to pieces,” 
says George.) I loved every minute of it. 
І ask George if anybody made money оп 
the show. “I don't think so,” he says. “But 
everybody had a lot of fun. It wasn't orga- 
nized good, because I didn't know much 
about rodeo. The shows didn't last long, just 
maybe one or two Sundays." 


“Well, ГИ swan, look here at what the dogs drug 
up," Lester said when I forked over his truck keys. 
“They ain't nothin’ like the first time you lay out all 
night with а dry cow” (ranch-hand parlance for a 
prolonged sexual encounter). "I reckon you need to 
come on in the kitchen, see if we cant find you some- 
thing or another to eat.” After Га filled him in on 
the high points—including Mrs. Clayton's french 
toast—he turned contemplative and stared out the 
window into the fog. But there eventually came the 
obligatory spurt of Beech-Nut into the Folgers can. 
“I kindly wish Pd of gone on over to Humble myself 
and listen at George Jones warble, maybe even dance 
around the room a time or two with that gal's mama. 
And I dang sure would of done it if I hadn't of 
known my wife would quit me cold for going off over 
yonder without draggin’ her with me, Why, they ain't 
а woman alive in this world that loves listening to 


“Ts this test going to be written or oral?” 


that old boy sing more than Betty Jo Ressler Except 
maybe the one that turned your brain to lard.” 


1 tell George the way I grew up was that 
Saturday night was for drinking and Sun- 
day morning was for praying it off. “Оһ my 
goodness,” he says. Task if he had that Sat- 
urday night-Sunday morning thing going 
on. “I had it Monday, Tuesday and Wednes- 
day,” he says. "I just about had them all. 
Once you got going, you had to have a drink 
to even get the day started. We can laugh at 
it now, thank goodness, but there's nothing 
funny about it. It was funny to watch it, as 
long as it ain't you having to suffer." 


The privilege of romancing Roxy Clayton came 
lut once in my life. Less than a month after the 
great fog of 1966 finally lifted, the Future Farm- 
ers of America's regional talent contest was held 
in the Humble High School auditorium. After a 
mediocre performance by the Arbitrators (Crosby 
High's entry), Roxy's lanky cowboy made it known 
he didn’t care for my rendition of “You Gotta Be 
Му Baby’—nor, I might add, did the judges— 
and that my offending his sensibilities merited 
old-fashioned fisticuffs out in the parking lot. 

We wrestled around for less than a minute, dur- 
ing which he missed with a couple of roundhouse 
rights and 1 ripped a hole in his snap-button West- 
ет shirt. Then a couple of guys stepped in and 
the whole thing fizzled out. Roxy, having laid low 
during the skirmish, stepped out from the shadows. 
“Don’t pay any attention to hin,” she said, admon- 
ishing the lanky cowboy even as she was reassuring 
him with a pair of batted eyelashes. “George Jones 
is some big boots to fl, and you did a good job try- 
ing. Just keep on singing. 1 like you a lot, but my 
place is with him." The next thing I knew, she and 
the lanky cowboy were pulling away in his pickup 
and “We Must Have Been Out of Our Minds,” 
the George Jones and Melba Montgomery duet, 
came blasting out of the dashboard radio. 


Task George how much money he's blown in 
his life on cars, whiskey, cocaine and women. 
"There's no telling,” he says, and then he says 
it again. “It’s said І flushed $3,000 down the 
commode at Gilley’s in Houston, but that’s 
not true. Г ain't never been that sick or drunk 
to throw $3,000 away. We did a lot of stupid 
things, but looking back on it now, you just 
thank God he let us live through it all and we 
can still laugh about it a little.” George leads a 
quieter life these days. “We quit smoking and 
drinking, and we quit all that mess almost 15 
years ago,” he says. “I found out what the 
real living in life is all about. Nancy and I are 
very happy. She's my wife now.” 


Im hard-pressed now to recall a single word of 
Roxy Clayton's late-night confessions—uhether her 
father was away at work or gone forever from her 
life, if the lanky cowboy could ever lay claim to any 
real place in her heart—yet I remember clearly her 
soft voice posing with the slight hint of a sexy rasp 
a question that has remained with me for more than 
four decades: “So why don't you drop by the house 
sometime and listen to my George Jones records?” 
And she was right: I wasn't sorry 1 did. 


Сесте/”ксесс mm 


‘GOLD RUSH 


(continued from page 45) 
are found 100 million to 400 million miles 
away, hurtling through the gap between 
Jupiter and Mars. Most of the 40,000 aster- 
vids cataloged belong to this asteroid belt. 

In 2000 NEAR Shoemaker combined a 
well-crafied hibernation period (to conserve 
energy) with an Earth-swing-by gravity 
assist and two carefully controlled thruster 
burns to catch the second-largest near- 
Earth asteroid in mid-stride—433 Eros, 
a celestial body named for the Greek god 
of love, measuring 34 kilometers long and 
moving about 2,200 mph. Shoemaker spent 
a year orbiting Eros. NASA ended its mis- 
sion in 2001 after landing the probe on the 
asteroid’s surface. 

‘The agency went a step further when it 
launched Stardust. In 2004 the ship rendez- 
voused with the 2.5-mile-wide comet Wild 2 
at about 13,600 mph. Once Stardust caught 
up to Wild 2, it used a specially designed 
particle collector to take samples of comet 
dust, Its return capsule brought those sam- 
ples back to Earth in 2006. The seven-year, 
3-billion-mile round-trip “went like clock- 
work,” according to one of the Stardust 
project managers. 

The most impr 
the Japan Aerospace Exploration Agen- 
cy's Hayabusa probe. In September 2005 
Hayabusa chased down asteroid Itokawa 
and spent two months analyzing its shape, 
topography, color, composition and density 
before landing on it in November. There 
it used a robotic arm to scrape the surface 
and gather samples. On June 13, 2010 Hay- 
abusa returned to Earth, making a parachute 
landing in southern Australia. The space- 
ship burned up as it was breaking into the 
atmosphere, but a heat-shielded capsule 
brought the samples back intact 

Unlike Earth, asteroids need only be 
scraped for resources, meaning ships could 
land, establish anchor, then robotically dig 
in and collect before returning home (most 
likely by ion power). “The earth has been 
chemically processed, so our mineral wealth 
is found only in certain regions, and many 
of those regions are deep underground,” 
explains Brother Guy. “Asteroids, though, 
are homogenous. What's on the surface is 
below the surface. You don’t have to dig, 
you can scrape—and that's exa 
Hayabusa did.” 


ive mission to date is 


All that is needed now is an angel inves- 
tor willing to gamble billions on a mining 
mission in space; experts believe it is only a 
matter of time before one comes along. 
“Asteroid mining is about working 
robotically in a very faraway, very harsh 
and extreme environment,” says X Prize 
Foundation CEO and co-founder of Space 
Adventures Peter Diamandis. “Well, Shell 
found the first deep oil deposit in the 
1980s—beneath thousands of feet of water 
and rock. That's a very faraway, harsh and 
extreme environment. At the time Shell 
found the oil, no one alive knew how to 
drill at those depths. We didn’t have the 
necessary robotics, and we didn't have the 


artificial-intelligence systems to drive those 
robotics. But oil was precious enough 
that Shell placed a multibillion-dollar 
bet. This means that today, right now, we 
have companies willing and able to place 
multibillion-dollar bets on high-risk robot- 
ically run resource-extraction missions, 
which is asteroid mining to a tee." 

“You need to examine the fact 
Anderson. “No laws of physics need to be 
reconfigured to mine an asteroid. There are 
no technology gaps. Truthfully, building a 
North Sea oil platform is comparable.” 

And the payoff? 

“Earth is a tiny crumb in a supermarket 
of resourc ys. “Гус said 
for a long time the very first trillionaire 
on Earth will be the person who figures 
out how to mine an asteroid and open up 
that supermarket," 

Itall comes down to the numbers. Scien- 

tists are able to predict what is in an asteroid 
by using spectral analysis (examining the 
light that an asteroid absorbs) and by com- 
paring it with meteorites, pieces of asteroids 
and other heavenly bodies that have fallen 
to Earth. Brother Guy has examined the 
value of a typical S-class (S unofficially means 
thus about 10 percent metal). By his 
calculations an average-size S-class asteroid 
contains about 1 billion metric tons of iron, 
or as much as is currently mined on Earth 
each year. The total value of this haul sits in 
the high trillions. And that’s only one type 
of asteroid. There are also M-class aster- 
oids, with M unofficially signifying metallic. 
Iron is the most abundant metal found in 
asteroids, but they also contain nickel, gold, 
cobalt and—perhaps the biggest find—all 
the platinum group metals. 
у,” says Anderson, “all the 
platinum that's been mined on Earth would 
fit in a tractor trailer. Platinum has excellent 
technological properties. It’s a great conduc- 
tor. But at $2,000 a troy ounce we really can't 
build new industries around it.” 

The amount of platinum in 433 Eros—an 
asteroid that’s a good candidate to be mined, 
since NASA has already landed a probe оп 
it—is worth roughly $657 trillion by today's 
market value (все “The Celestial Supermar- 
ket" on page 44). Asteroids contain iridium 
(used in LCDs and flat-screen TVs), tanta- 
lum (cell phones), phosphorous (fertilizer), 
gallium, hafnium, zinc—all plentiful in space 
and sparse on Earth 

The University of Arizona’s John Lewis 
points out that as we get better at the tech- 
nology, we could also learn to mine gas 
giants like Uranus for their quantities of 
helium-3. “What do we do with our 10 tons 
of helium-3 when we get back to Eartl 
writes Lewis in Mining the Sky. “The market 
value of that amount of helium-3 is set by 
the amount of energy it can produce when 
used in a helium-3/deuterium fusion reac 
tor. That cash value is $160 billion. That 
means helium-3 is worth 1,000 times its 
weight in gold or platinum. Here is surely 
the most valuable raw material in the solar 
system, well worth the cost of transporta- 
tion back to Earth.” 


The final piece of this puzzle comes with 
mapping all the near-Earth asteroids—an 


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ongoing international effort to avert 
disaster. This effort began after a crater 
was discovered in the 1970s. Scientists 
learned it was caused by an asteroid with 
a 10-kilometer diameter that hit Earth 
65 million years ago and may have killed 
off the dinosaurs. By the early 1990s sci- 
entists realized a one-kilometer-diameter 
rock could jeopardize a significant portion 
of the human race, and even more alarm- 
ing, rocks that size crash into Earth once 
every 500,000 years or so. Which is when 
almost everyone in the space field decided 
it would be good to figure out where all 
those rocks are lurking and what their tra- 
jectories are. 

Thus began the great asteroid hunt 
of the Aughts. In the past decade 
researchers, using a variety of telescope 
technologies, have attempted to locate at 
least 90 percent of the large near-Earth 
asteroids—those more than one kilometer 
in diameter. We've discovered no species- 
ending impacts in our near future, and 
there have been other gains as well. 

“All this mapping can be used for mining,” 
says Erik Asphaug, professor of planetary 
science at the University of California, Santa 
Cruz. “Sure, we're trying to save the world 
from a catastrophic event, but along the way 
we've drawn up a pretty good prospector's 
map of our solar system. 

What will this concept look like in our 
lifetime? President Obama wants to land 
astronauts on an asteroid by 2025, Teams 
at NASA are at work, so a government- 
sponsored first step is not out of the 
question. Diamandis believes big energy 
companies—the ones that built North Sea oil 
platforms—will in 15 to 25 years have staked 
claims on near-Earth asteroids and have 
pilot programs under way. Eric Anderson 
thinks we're five to 10 years away from our 
first asteroid-mining mission, while Jeffrey 
Kargel, a University of Arizona geologist, 
predicts a longer wait. 


“Profitable commercial development of extra- 
terrestrial resources may begin mid-century 
and fundamentally shape Earth’s economy 
before this century is out,” Kargel says. 

The gold isn’t the only thing fueling 
our space-rock fire. In the past few years 
NASA has firmly committed itself to the 
establishment of off-world colonies. “Visit- 
ing an asteroid is a fantastic stepping-stone 
to Mars,” says Derek Sears, professor of 
space and planetary science at the Uni- 
versity of Arkansas. “You can test out the 
hardware and the human behavior.” A trip 
to Mars will take three years; a trip to an 
asteroid passing close to Earth is a few 
months’ voyage. 

Even more important to our off-world 
plans is water. “Most aerospace engineers 
feel water is the real key to off-world colo- 
nies,” says Sears. “Carrying water out of 
a gravity well is extremely expensive. But 
there is a whole class of asteroids that are 
25 percent water. We call them mud balls. 
A ship could stop off at an asteroid on the 
way to a space colony and tank up on water. 
There's no cost. Just warm up a chunk and 
off you go.” 

. 


Once we're actually mining asteroids, look 
out. Huge global economic shifts tend to 
cause problems, and significant generation 
of new wealth can bring out the worst in 
humanity. Which is why a Vatican astrono- 
mer is already mulling over the topic. 

“This is truly a disruptive technology,” 
says Brother Guy. “Certainly in the long run, 
whether you're talking about wealth creation 
or taking mining—one of the most environ- 
mentally damaging industries—off-world, 
everyone is better off. Frankly, in the long 
run the upside is so big it’s almost utopian. 
But in the short run there will most defi- 
nitely be some consequences.” 


“He’s writing a romance novel.” 


Sera ЕСС. ССГИ 


JOSH RADNOR | 


(continued from page 81) 
who watch the show. I don’t know them, 
yet they feel familiar with me. 


02 

PLAYBOY: Has that familiarity ever translated 
into female fans wanting to know you in a 
personal way? 

RADNOR: There's something really ugly about 
women who want to be with you just because 
they saw you in a movie or on a show. I was 
out one night and this girl left her friends at 
their table to come over and ask me if I was 
on How І Met Your Mother. I said I was, and 
she rejoined her friends, who just kept star- 
ing, so I went over and shook some hands. 
Later a guy handed me a note from this 
girl that read, “Josh, do you want to sleep 
with me tonight?” It had this box where I 
could check yes or no. I turned bright red 
and said, "Uh, I have a girlfriend" —which 
I didn't at the time. 


03 

PLAYBOY: So you don't take up those offers? 
RADNOR: If I check yes on that box, I'm 
reinforcing a part of myself I don't want to 
reinforce—the part that needs adoration 
from someone every night. Every actor has 
an insecure, damaged part of himself, or he 
wouldn't be doing it. I’m trying to heal some 
of that damaged stuff. Quitting drinking 
helps cut down on your idiotic decision- 
making, so that’s been a nice shift. 


04 
PLAYBOY: How did you realize you needed 
to knock off drinking? 
RADNOR: І started to get some unambiguous 
signs from the universe that it was time to 
get my drinking under control. I didn’t go 
into a program or anything like that; І just 
stopped. I've had a glass of wine here and 
there, but I don’t enjoy it anymore. I took 
a hard look at what it was bringing into my 
life and what it was keeping me from, 


05 

PLAYBOY: What has been your favorite fan 
interaction so far? 

RADNOR: І was in this little town on Majorca 
where I stayed for about five days. І met a 
22-year-old kid whose father had died and 
left him the owner of the only local bar. This 
kid had never been off the island and was 
such a crazy fan of the show, He couldn't 
believe I was in his bar. He said, “I love your 
show because it’s all a flashback of an older 
person's memories of the best times of his 
life. It makes me realize I'm living what will 
be my best memories and I need to enjoy 
that more.” Sometimes you lose sight of why 
you're doing something, but what a cool, 
interesting legacy for the show to have. 


06 
PLAYBOY: 15 that why, except for your having 
dated Lindsay Price, you've mostly avoided 
showing up in the press hitting cool clubs 
and dating a series of beautiful women? 

RADNOR: I have an allergy to that sort of 
social life. New York and L.A. have a lot 
of beautiful women, but in New York that 


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beautiful woman will be reading a book. 
That, to me, is intensely sexy. If I was going 
to live in L.A., it would be on the condi- 
tion that I not sell my soul in order to do 
that. I deliberately moved to a house that 
felt away from everything—until a girl from 
The Hills moved next door. The paparazzi 
were always there and I kept wishing they'd 
leave. Then she moved away. 


07 

PLAYBOY: How do you explain the staying 
power of How I Met Your Mother despite its 
roller-coaster ratings? 

RADNOR: A lot of articles have been written 
about why we watch these “friend families” 
on TV. The people on them become your 
extended family on some level, which I 
guess із a little creepy. [laughs] 


08 

PLAYBOY: Your co-star Jason Segel has made 
high-profile movies. Neil Patrick Harris has 
done movies, Broadway and hosted the 
Emmy and Tony awards. Is it tough play- 
ing the show's straight man in such a quirky, 
funny cast? 

RADNOR: It's been interesting trying to find 
the goofiness of Ted but also keep him 
grounded. No disrespect to Neil or Jason, 
whom I have immense respect for, but 
they've done things outside the show that 
are absolutely in their wheelhouse. That's 
what they want to do and they've created 
those opportunities. І wanted to make a 
movie that I wrote, and I also wanted to 
write a book. 


ag 

PLAYBOY: Your writing-directing debut 
movie, Happythankyoumoreplease, stars 
Malin Akerman, Kate Mara and Zoe Kazan 
as friends of your character, a not always 
likable aspiring New York novelist who's 
unable to commit and who carries out a 
misguided act of altruism that involves a lost 
kid. What made you want to do it? 
RADNOR: The film’s central idea of letting 
yourself be loved and having gratitude isn’t 
something I've seen before. It moved me 
and said something to me. My character 
isn’t Josef Mengele, but I liked playing a 
more dangerous character who is still basi- 
cally a good guy. From experience, I knew 
the feel of people living without a lot of 
money in New York, stumbling around in 
their relationships, and I eventually decided 
to direct it—which wasn't my initial plan— 
because I wanted to guard the tone of it. 
The best depiction of New York I've ever 
seen in a movie in terms of class issues is 
Peter Hedges’s movie Pieces of April. I wrote 
hima fan letter, and if he ever reads this, he 
did not write me back. [laughs] 


010 

PLAYBOY: Which other famous people have 
you written to? 

RADNOR: I wrote Tony Kushner years ago 
because I was so moved by a book of his 
essays, and he wrote back and came to see 
me in a play. І know Sarah Silverman a lit- 
tle bit socially, but I wrote her a letter after 
reading her memoir, which was so hilarious 
and touching. 


Release: StoreMags & Раде Мао 


011 

PLAYBOY: Are you worried your movie could 
get overlooked because it isn’t pessimistic 
and negative like some of our most-praised 
films today? 

RADNOR: When Variety reported that my 
movie had won the audience award at Sun- 
dance, it kicked it to the curb and referred 
to it as a “sitcom-style comedy” because I'm 
ona sitcom. That's just lazy. I thought, Wow, 
that writer has not seen the movie. The рсо- 
ple in the movie have legitimate problems, 
and they learn to shift their perspective and 
find grace in the middle of those problems. 
I'm not a negativity denier, but if negativity 
comes in, just say hello—don’t fix it a cock- 
tail and ask it to stay. 


012 

PLAYBOY: So you'd rather accentuate the 
positive? 

RADNOR: A bunch of people at dinner the 
other night were talking about some TV 
program about women who go crazy and 
kill their husbands. I was silent, and maybe 
I'm a lousy dinner guest, but I said, “I don't 
understand why we're talking about this. 
There's just as much great stuff happening 
in the world as dark and horrible stuff.” I 
feel if you're watering a garden, are you 
watering the weeds or are you watering 
something more interesting? 


013 

PLAYBOY: People who know you as a funny 
guy on a TV show may read this interview 
and wonder where that funny guy went. 

RADNOR: That character is not me. The 
more distance I’ve gotten over the past five 
or six years, the more I feel I've grown and 
changed, the easier it’s been to play this char- 
acter because it doesn’t feel like me at all. T 
don't watch the show much anymore. І have 
a TV, but I don't know how to turn it on. 


014 

PLAYBOY: Would your high school friends be 
surprised at how your life and career are 
turning out? 

RADNOR: It’s probably shocking to sce some- 
one you grew up with end up in movies or 
on TV, but it’s not like I was some übernerd 
who turned into an action star. I was class 
president, swim team captain and editor of 
the school paper. I’m still really tight with a 
lot of high school people. 


915 

PLAYBOY: In 2002 you co-starred with Alicia 
Silverstone in the stage version of The Grad- 
uate. She is a vegan and an animal rights 
advocate; you’re apparently allergic to cats 
and dogs. How did you two gel? 

RADNOR: I found І was not allergic to Alicia 
Silverstone, if that's what you're asking. І ассі- 
dentally read the book she gave me, The Food 
Revolution by John Robbins, and that turned 
me into a vegetarian for about two years. 
Sorry, though, Alicia; I fell off the wagon. 


016 
PLAYBOY: You mentioned on a talk show that 
you were writing a book, and it sounded auto- 
biographical. Being a fairly young actor, do 
you figure that some people may prejudge the 


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Release: 


book as narcissistic, let alone premature? 
RADNOR: After I showed my movie at the 
San Francisco International Film Festival, a 
guy raised his hand and said, “I’m curious 
if in any of the feedback for this film, you've 
heard that it's narcissistic or self-indulgent?” 
And I went, "Not until right now.” A narci 
sistic piece is something an audience can't 
appreciate because it starts and ends with 
the person who created it, with no generos- 
ity of spirit in it. Making a movie or writing 
a book is like telling a story around а camp- 
fire. If you want to sit around this campfire 
and hear this particular story, you're wel- 
come to. If not, there are other campfires. 


PLAYBOY. So what's cooking at your campfire? 
RADNOR: Гуе been a little evasive talking 
about this book because it’s not uncontro- 
versial in some ways. I've been writing it for 
about three years. It will be out this fall. It's 
memoir-adjacent, a linked series of essays 
about things that have happened to me 
these past few years that have been reve- 
latory and kind of amazing. Meditation is 
a big part of it, which Гус been doing for 
about six and a half years. Let’s say І won't 
be going on the Taday show to do a five- 
minute clip. It’s just too complicated to talk 
about in a sound-bite way. 


PLAYBOY: What would your critical, analytical 
TV-series character make of this book? 
RADNOR: I hope you can appreciate there's 
this whole other part of my life so much more 
amazing, exciting and thrilling than Holly- 
wood that I had to write about. It dwarfs 
anything else. It’s made me realize, in the 
truest way, what the mystics talked about— 
that earthly material pleasures crumble and 
provide no sustainable bliss. They provide 
an adrenaline rush of acquisition and then 
they're gone and you just get more depressed. 
Maybe a lot of people don't want to hear that 
because they're like, “Fuck you, guy on TV, 
telling me money doesn’t matter.” 


PLAYBOY: When did you last take a big physi- 
cal risk? 

RADNOR; I’m not all that physically coura- 
geous. Maybe it’s Judaism or something, but 
flinging my body into peril is not my idea of 
a good time. After seeing 127 Hours 1 was 
like, “Oh no, I can never go hiking again. І 
don’t even want to go for a run.” 


PLAYBOY: What’s on your immediate must- 
do list? 

RADNOR: I wrote the script for my next movie 
in four months, and that's a direction I want 
to head in. І also hope my performance in 
Happythankyoumoreplease opens more acting 
doors. There's something about this business 
that's rigged to keep you always dissatisfied; 
then I think how it’s statistically impossible 
to make a living as an actor, yet I've been 
doing it for а long time. Ву any standard, І 
have been blessed. Sometimes you just have 
to stop, take a breath and say, “Where І ага 


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GONE FISHING 

Its not surprising Miss November 1996 Ulrika Ericsson (holding fish tail) and Peter Miller hit it off the moment they mer. Miller 
is a three-time World Sailfish Champion, and Ulrika grew up in a Swedish fishing village. Now they're hooking viewers with their 
shared passion for the sport on the Versus show Bass 2 Billfish, a reality series that Miller hosts and Ulrika has appeared on. 


meat 


© POKER FACE 

к Check out this three of 

5 р 

в. a kind. In December, Forty-five years ago this month we introduced you to 

8 Miss May 2006 Alison Miss April 1966 Karla Conway. Althou 

Е Waite (left), Miss July ch babe definitely had a Gidget 

Е 2002 Lauren Anderson leer a 
and Miss February under the name Sachi and lives in an artists’ community 
1999 Stacy Marie г Holualoa, on the Big Island of I і. There, she 
Fuson participated in — paints everything from о мыш 
the third annual All In Hendrix an: 5. Collectors of her work include 
for CP charity poker Oprah Winfrey, Yoko Ono and former vi 
tournament, which ARE ^s work at sachia 


raises money for рсо- 
ple suffering from 
cerebral palsy. Their 
poker tips? “Don’t be 
afraid to play if you 
have a decent hand,” 
Lauren advises. “You 
can’t win big if you 
fold every time.” 
“Confidence is key,” 
Alison adds. Whatever 
their strategy, itseemed 
to work, “When I take 
guys out, they can't 
believe a Playmate can 
actually play poker,” 
Stacy says. “And I do 
take guys out!” 


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int to 1 АҮМА i— or more of 
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^ 


DID 900 Holly's World cameras captured Miss Miss February 1986 Juli Last year Coed mag said Miss February 
October 2010 inclair's star turn апа Family Ties actor Marc Price formed 1990 was googled 
KNOW with the Crazy Horse Paris dancers, |. the Beauty and the Dweeb comedy tour, тоге often than Hillary Clinton. 


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According to 
Glamour, 74 per- 
cent of men would 
rather be stuck 
in an elevator 
with a Playmate 


MY FAVORITE PLAYMATE 


PLAYMATE GOSSIP 


Playmate of the Year 2008 Jayde 

Nicole certainly knows how to 

celebrate her birthday. The party 

started at Stingaree in San Diego 

on February 11—her actual birth 

date is a week later, on February 

Marilyn Montos, 19—and continued with additional 

bashes at the Colony in L.A. and 

Sky in suburban Chicago. She 

wrapped up her celebration 

with a final fete at Haze in Las 

Vegas. Jayde has made a second 

home of sorts in Sin City, where 

she tangled with the city's reigning belle Holly 

Madison—a tussle that can be seen on the new sea- 

son of Holly's World... British men certainly seem 
to fancy Miss 
August 2008 


than an elevator 


technician. 
Kayla Collins. 


| 
The I'm а 


HEAVENLY BODY [e Celebrity...Get 


Remember that calendar photo of Miss August 1967 DeDe Lind we told Me Oie of Heret 
you about a while back—the one that made its way into space during the contestant has 
Apollo 12 lunar mis- recently been 
sion? Well, it sold at an f | linked with both 
auction of space memo- Chelsea foot- 
rabilia for about 
$21,000, a significant 
increase from the start- 
ing bid of $1,000. (The 
auction house listed the 
photo’s condition as 
“normal wear, as one 
would expect from an 
object that made the 
approximately 
475,000-mile round- 
trip journey to the 
moon and back.”) 
Needless to say, DeDe 
over the moon about 
the sale: “What ап 
honor! І can't believe 
my calendar photo 
brought in so much 
money. Maybe it was 
the yellow bow in my 
hair. I still have the 
bow! Perhaps I can 


baller Ashley 
Cole and real- 


ity star Mark 
Wright (above right). “I love English boys,” she 
told Zoo magazine. “U.S. boys are down the pan for 
те”... Double congratulations to Misses Decem- 
ber 2008 Jennifer and Natalie Campbell. Natalie 
was married in June, and her twin sister, 

Jennifer, gave birth to her first 

child a little after mid- 

night on September 18. 

The healthy baby boy 

weighed seven pounds, 

eight ounces. “My hus- 

band and Г are excited 

and Loving every minute with our new bundle of joy,” 
the new mother told us.... Since her breakup with 
actor Jim Carrey, Playmate of the Year 1994 Jenny 
McCarthy has had no shortage of eager suitors. 
Sports attorney Paul .. , 

Krepelka (at right, with "^ а 


auction it off, too.” Jenny on New Year's в 
Е 5 Eve) seems to be her 
STUCK IN THE MIDDLE Bee "We've 
Miss July 2003 Marketa Janska will figure prominently on the new OWN been on a few dates and 

eO The show stars actor Ry have been hanging out” N 


and his Oscar-winning daughter 
O'Neal, and chronicles their reconcil- 


iation after 25 years of estrangement 5 = 
Fat taking things slow and 
Marketa, who is Tatum’s assistant, ging 


will log major screen time and prom- keeping it low-key, but 
ises serious fireworks. “There is a SS EE 
lot of drama,” she says. girl." Damn straight. 


Krepelka told the British 
paper Daily Mail. “We're 


PMOY 2004 (now PMOY 1997 's auto- ID VOU 


Garcia) co-founded a foundation that biography, Les Secrets 42 өше J^ ғ 
benefits the Ronald McDonald House. was published in France/- | ШШ % 


я 15,3915) 
“ن‎ EA E 


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ud 
casting 
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— Find out today. - 


start the journey now 


submit photos online or 
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next up 


Chicago 
April 13 + 14 


L.A. Oy Mansion 
May 18 + 


Kylie — 75 
Discovered September 21 asting Call 


PLAYBOY FORUM 


EW 


BY STEPHEN DUNCOMBE 


month before the 2010 elections, The New York Times 
printed an article about a tax cut enacted by the 
Obama administration. Under provisions of the 
Recovery Act of 2009, 95 percent of Americans paid lower 
taxes, up to $400 less for individuals and up to $800 less for 
married couples. It was the perfect Democratic ammuni- 
tion to counter the Republican war cry for lower taxes. The 
problem: No one had heard of it. According to a New York 
Times/CBS News Poll, fewer than one in 10 Americans knew 
anything about the tax cut; half 
those surveyed thought their 
rates had stayed the same, and 
third believed their taxes had 
actually increased. 
ACNN reporter asked the pr 
identabout the seemingly negative 
response to the Recovery Act, the 
health care reform bill and nearly 
every other piece of legislation his 
administration had passed. Obama, 
characteristically cool, commented 
that his administration was so busy 
working on policies that “we did 
not always think about making 
sure we were advertising prop- 
erly what was going on.” 
А cynic might argue that the 
Obama administration and the 
Democratic Congress have done 
little that warrants advertising. 
Indeed, a website called What 
the Fuck Has Obama Done So 
Far? scems to beg for the simple 
answer: not much. But a quick 
glance at this site, which lists leg- 
islation enacted in the past two 
years, suggests exactly the oppo- 
site: Obama and crew have been 
busy. They ve increased funding 
to national parks and forests by 
10 percent, expanded Pell grants 
to help students pay for college, signed a financial-reform 
law that regulates Wall Street—the list goes on. Even а jaded 
ex-Obama supporter like myself was impressed. How could 
І. ала most of the country—not know any of this? 
Obama is no slouch when it comes to persuasion, as evi 
denced by his election campaign. It employed social media 
effectively, mobilized artists like Will.i.am and Shepard Fairey, 
and produced “American Stories, American Solutions,” a 
prime-time propaganda infomercial that rivals the work of 
Leni Riefenstahl. Obama even turned controversies to his 
advantage. When his former minister Jeremiah Wright was 
exposed making inflammatory racial remarks, Obama trans- 
formed the media firestorm into an inspirational discussion 
about race. And after a particularly bruising debate with Hil- 
lary Clinton, he stood in front of his supporters and, with a 


subtle move borrowed from Jay-Z, brushed imaginary dirt off 
his shoulders, sweeping Clinton into the electoral dustbin. 

The problem is that while the president is a master at mar- 
keting himself, when it comes to his policies and programs 
he just can’t close the deal with the American public. 

Obama could take acue from another Democratic president, 
Franklin Delano Roosevelt. Faced with far worse economic 
and social conditions than today’s, a far more conservative 
ideology regarding the role of the federal government and a 

far more hostile press, Roosevelt's 
New Deal administration changed 
the way Americans thought about 
their government. 

It started at the top, with FDR 
mobilizing the then new medium 
of radio to patiently explain to 
the American public, through a 
series of popular fireside chats, 
what his plans were and why 
they were good for the country. 
The new federal agencies then 
publicized their own programs. 
The Resettlement Administration, 
which became the Farm Security 
Administration, hired the best 
photographers in the country to 
document the everyday people 
who would benefit from the agen- 

s efforts (FSA images such as 
Dorothea Lange's Migrant Mother 
still rank among the best-known 
photographs in the world). The 
Works Progress Administration 
created a series of initiatives that 
put artists to work, resulting in an 
explosion of public art that served 
as visible reminders of the govern- 
ment and what it can do. In one 
particularly imaginative gesture, 
the Bonneville Power Adminis- 
tration hired folksinger Woody 

Guthrie to write songs glorifying the federally funded hydro- 
electric dams being built on the Columbia River. 

‘Taken as a whole, these efforts provided a new vision of what 
America could be. Through the haunting documentary photos 
of farmworkers commissioned by the FSA and the phant: 
magoric WPA murals of common men and women building 
the country, a new picture of America was fashioned. After 
the Gilded Age and the Roaring Twenties, when robber bar- 
ons and financiers ruled the country and celebrities saturated 
the media (sound familiar?), America under the New Deal was 
being reimagined as a place where, as Woody Guthrie famously 
sang, “This land is your land, this land is my land.” 

It's true that we live in a different world than we did in the 
1930s. We live in the Oprah era, when we'd rather hear about 


the adverse upbringings of politicians than about ће poverty 
7 


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programs and health care reforms they 
support. Then there's the media. Fox 
News is openly hostile to Democratic 
initiatives, and the liberal media’s timid 
“objectivity” makes them indifferent 
allies. Finally, there’s the wonkish elit- 
ism of the Democrats, who seem to 
think they don’t need to advertise their 
accomplishments since everyone should 
be as well-informed and well-educated 
as themselves. What, doesn’t everyone 
read the Congressional Record? 

But explanations are poor excuses, 
and there's much that Obama can 
learn from FDR about how to better 
sell his policies to the American pub- 
іс. To start, he could mobilize the 
social-media networks he assembled 
throughout his campaign, encouraging 
his supporters to express themselves 
creatively on his behalf and trusting 
that their diversity of responses—what 
Ж was called “snow- 
y | flake activism” 

5. during the presi- 
/ dential contest—will 
provide some- 
times superior, and 
certainly more, nar- 
ratives and images 
than any singular 
5 effort controlled by 


Next he needs to 
ramp up spending 
on the arts, targeted 
: toward public art, 
public mural for having faith that a 
Central Park, flowering of culture 
by a largely liberal creative class will 
provide a supportive backdrop for his 
politics. And as FDR did, Obama must 
spend more money on public works. 
Unlike the stimulus check or tax rebate 
that arrives in the mailbox to be spent 
on а new coat or flat-screen TV, these 
projects provide public, visible evi- 
dence of government action 

Most important, Obama needs to 
become artist in chief, telling stories 
and sketching pictures of a new Amer- 
ica. FDR’s administration understood 
that proposing policy and passing legis- 
lation mean little if you don’t also create 
and communicate a national image in 
which these political acts appear to fit 
naturally and make sense logically. As 
Proverbs 29:18 puts it, “Where there is 
no vision, the people perish.” If Obama 
continues to ignore the necessity of cre- 
ative communications, his presidency 
and his party will likely perish first. 


In 1935 WPA 
artists work on a 


Stephen Duncombe is author of Dream: 
Re-Inagining Progressive Politics in an 
Age of Fantasy. 


BY FRANK M. AHEARN 


n our increasingly digitized world, 
| here’s the most important thing you 

need to know: Although privacy vio- 
lations are often thought to take place 
behind the scenes, it is actually the 
information you voluntarily offer— 
whether to Facebook or your cable 
company—that leads to loss of privacy. 1 


know because I’ve spent most of my life 
working as a skip tracer, tracking down 
people who don’t want to be found, for 
lawyers, tabloids and even the highest 
bidder. On the flip side, I've also helped 
people vanish into thin air. 

I pick apart the little things in a per- 
son's life to gradually make my way into 
the larger things: Social Security num- 
ber, credit cards and more. Personal 
information is a dangerous tool, and 
it has never been more readily avail- 
able. However, you can easily dissuade 
most pursuers with a few preventive 
techniques. Even if your goal isn’t to 
disappear, you should take precautions 


Release: StoreMags & FantaMag 


by erasing or altering the data that 
third parties have on you before some- 
one decides to use it against you. 
There is a group of people I call 
the unknowing. I have extracted their 
information, A job seeker posts his 
opinion on a religious message board 
and in turn loses a prospective job at a 


pharmaceutical company. All it takes is 
an online search and the company finds 
that his idealistic opinions are unsuit- 
able for their corporate environment. 
A woman illegally collecting disability 
payments posts on a Madonna fan site. 
She receives a letter explaining that she 
has won а contest to take part in a video 
for her idol. She shows up and dances 
for the camera—only to be arrested a 
week later for disability fraud. These 
are the unknowing. The stories are 
endless—and so are the opportunities 
to use your information against you 
The fight to regain your privacy 
involves three strategies: misinformation, 


disinformation and reformation. 
Depending on your goal—whether it’s 
to evade a meddling ex-wife or skip 
town and start over—you may not 
need to use all the methods. But know- 
ing what you have at your disposal is a 
powerful asset 

Misinformation entails locating all 
the data known about you and delet- 
ing it. Run your name on various search 
engines. It's important to search for sites 
that may have your name misspelled, so 
trick it out with a typo or two. Also try 
running it with your city, phone num- 
ber or zip code attached. When you find 
your information, contact the relevant 
businesses and ask them to remove the 
content. If they ask why, a little white 
lie never hurts. Be sure to tackle social- 
networking sites that list your family, 
friends, alumni and employment. These 
are huge danger zones 

Take a look at the services to which 
you subscribe. Cable companies retrieve 
your account by phone number, as do 
utility companies. Some systems will 
read off your street address. Ever order 
a pizza and see your phone number, 
name and address on the box label? Call 
the business and get that information 
erased. When asked for my contact info, 
І like to use the number made famous 
by Tommy Tutone: 867-5309. 

Disinformation is about confusing 
your pursuers. You can deliberately 
plant false information about yourself 
and create a misleading trail to throw 
someone off your path. This is my favor- 
ite part of helping people disappear, and 
it’s where I get the most creative. On 
your phone, cable and utility bills, do 


It's hard to protect your privacy and deflect pursuers without 
outside help. Luckily, a burgeoning privacy industry offers ser- 
vices that seem as if they're straight out of an espionage movie, 


Begin with these resources: 
Intelius 

This public-records business consoli- 
dates nearly every piece of information 
about you, from your average salary 
to the names of your relatives. A cru- 
cial step in protecting your privacy is 
understanding how others see you, 
and Intelius is an indispensable tool 
for that. Intelius.com 

Guerrilla Mail 

This excellent service offers disposable 
e-mail addresses that automatically 
expire after one hour and can no lon- 
ger be accessed. For everyday use, 
Guerrilla Mail is invaluable if you 
want to avoid spam after signing up 
for services you plan to use only once. 
Guerrillamail.com 


FORUM 


a little variation on your name. Tell the 
customer service representative your 
name is Dan instead of Don. Also, don’t 
forget to forward your final bills to far- 
away places after you disconnect. 

If you're looking to go deep off the 
radar, create a new, imaginary life for 
yourself, Tweet that you are moving 
to Chicago, use Photoshop to create 
images of yourself at Wrigley Field, 
then start a blog documen 


PERSONAL 
INFORMATION IS 


TOOL, AND IT 
HAS NEVER BEEN 
MORE READILY 
AVAILABLE 


bogus move. Anyone hunting you will 
focus their attention on the Windy City 
while you sip mai tais on the Baja pen- 
insula. Get a debit card from a bank, 
put a few bucks in the account and send 
it to a buddy in another city. Have him 
use the card at supermarkets and local 
watering holes. If your account is com- 
promised, a pursuer will see charges in 
a city you are nowhere near. 

The final act of privacy is reforma- 
tion, which is getting from point A to 
point B without being traced. The goal 
is to become a virtual individual, with 
no connection to anything physical. Pre- 
paid phones, which can be obtained 


DISAPPEARING TRICKS 


Private Mail Drop 


A 


at any electronics store, are excellent 
tools in the disappearing trade. Register 
yours under the name Wile E. Coyote 
with any area code you want. For added 
security, never dial direct. Use a pre- 
paid calling card. 

Ifyou need to send e-mail, wander the 
streets and pick up internet service for 
free. Communicate with a trusted recip- 
ient by using a shared e-mail account 
you both have the password for. Write 
your “e-mails” to each other by using 
the drafts format. Do not hit sen; just 
save your correspondence. The recipient 
then reads your message and answers in 
the same draft document. 

For expenditures, rely on prepaid 
cards that can be purchased over the 
counter with no name attached and 
loaded with funds via the cashier. You 
can also purchase a prepaid credit card 
by mail and load it with cash at various 
retail locations. (Warning: Sometimes 
they ask for an identifier such as your 
Social Security number.) 

The methods I suggest here are in no 
way comprehensive. The more creative 
you are, the better. We live in a society 
in which technology is being developed 
quicker than we can imagine, and our 
information is a precious resource for 
others. Timothy Leary once told us to 
“turn on, tune in, drop out.” Today it’s 
all about friending, tweeting, texting 
and blogging: anything to be a part of 
that third society that asks us to supply 
our digital DNA. A little forethought 
goes a long way. 


Frank M. Ahearn is co-author of How to 
Disappear: 


If you must receive snail mail, avoid opening a mailbox with the 
United States Postal Service. Instead, rely on a mail drop at a pri- 


vate business such as Mail Boxes Etc. 
Skip tracers have a hard time cracking 
a privately owned mail drop. 
Spoofcard 

What an amazing little trick! With Spoof- 
card, you can record your calls, alter the 
sound of your voice and program your 
phone to display any number you want 
on the recipient's caller 1D, State laws 
may prohibit some offered services, so 
double-check first. Spoofcard.com 
Alibi Network 

Need to give your boss an explanation 
for skipping town? Alibi Network pro- 
vides excuses to cover your indiscretions 
or trip up anyone on your trail. Whether 
you need a forged doctor’s note or a fake 
airline confirmation, the custom solu- 
tions are endless, Alibinetwork.com 


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AGE BEFORE WISDOM 

Susan Jacoby, in “The Folly of Age" 
(February), challenges the “myth” of 
the wisdom of old age by promoting the 
opposing stereotype that the healthy 
old are “exactly who they were in ear- 
lier adult life, only more so.” Yet new 
research has found that the aging brain 
retains its neuroplasticity, meaning it can 
still learn and grow, especially in stim- 
ulating environments. Furthermore, 
starting at about the age of 50, people's 
self-rated well-being improves progres- 
sively. We've found that postmenopausal 
women usually have positive feelings 


Albert Einstein at 75: still pretty smart. 


about aging and sexual satisfaction even 
if they are in declining health and are 
less sexually active. Normal aging is typi- 
cally associated with compassion, altruism, 
self-knowledge and tolerance of diver- 
gent value systems—all components of 
wisdom. Impulsivity, antisocial behavior 
and substance abuse decline in later life. 
And according to a University of Michigan 
study, social reasoning (.с., considering 
multiple perspectives, accepting com- 
promise and recognizing the limits of 
knowledge) improves as we age. As Nobel 
laureate Eric Kandel, now 81, has said, “I 
think I do science better than I did when 
I was younger. In science, judgment is so. 
important, and I now have a better under- 
standing of which problems are important 
and which aren’t.” The wisdom of age is 
not universal, but it is not a myth, either. 
Dr. Dilip Jeste 
La Jolla, California 
Jeste is director of the Sam and Rose Stein 
Institute for Research on Aging and a pro- 
fessor of psychiatry and neurosciences at the 
University of California at San Diego. 


SAME AS IT EVER WAS 
I have made it a mission to read every 
issue of pLavpoy past and present. I just 


Relea: 


FORU 


READER RESPONSE 


finished the August 1962 issue and was 
struck by a Dan Wakefield commentary 
titled “The Prodigal Powers of Pot,” which 
provides a rational and sane outlook on 
repealing marijuana laws. It reminded 
me of your coverage of the recent Califor- 
nia proposition to legalize marijuana. You 
were ahead of your time in 1962 and con- 
tinue to be ahead of our time in 2011 
Brett Lambert 
Edmonton, Alberta 


DNA QUICKIES 

In December's Мешурот you reported 
on the ability of police to track down sus- 
pects using DNA from family members 
(“Relative Guilt”). The ACLU warns 
that the technique “has the potential to 
invade the privacy of a lot of people.” 
That's an understatement. Scientists are 
working on ways to quickly and cheaply 
sequence DNA, including by using nano- 
technology that could potentially read 
the 3 billion bases on a DNA strand by 
passing it through a single-atom-thick 
graphene sheet, This would cut the pro- 
cessing time from weeks to seconds and 
surely bring about the day when all new- 
borns are “registered” so those who la 
commit crimes can be identified. This 
not an original idea; an episode of Star 
Trek: Enterprise reveals that the Vulcans 
record the DNA of their newborns for 


A DNA strand passes through nanopores. 


this purpose. A registry would have the 
potential to make the world a safer place 
in one area—by stopping killers before 
they become serial killers 
Robert Schreib Jr. 
‘Toms River, New Jersey 


INSIDER EDUCATION 
Lam 21 years old and four years into 
a 10-year sentence for attempted mur- 
der. Гат taking correspondence courses 
to earn a college degree, which I pay for 


e: StoreMags & FantaMag 


out of my pocket. Is there any practi- 
cal value to receiving a degree while in 
prison? My prison buddies tell me I'm 


Minnesota prisoners hit the textbooks, 


a sucker and that the life of a criminal 
isn’t so bad as long as “next time” you 
plan your crimes better and are smart 
enough not to get caught. 
Paul Henderson 
Jackson, Michigan 


I've been in prison long enough to 
remember when inmates could still 
receive Pell grants for tuition and books, 
and prisoners of all races and religions 
crowded tables to study. We saw out- 
side the fences. Today our prison library 
doesn’t have any textbooks, only nov- 
els. І know many people argue that 
with limited resources, society shouldn't. 
give tuition money to prisoners. But it’s 

cheaper than building prisons. 
Johnny Ray Longworth 

Ely, Nevada 

Prisoners have not been able to recetve Pell 
grants, which are given to low-income stu- 
dents, since 1994, when Congress excluded 
them. Today college courses are available to 
only about five percent of inmates, though 
studies have found prisoners who earn degrees 
have a recidivism rate far below the average 
and educating convicts is much less expensive 
than locking them back up. By one estimate 
California could save $536 million annually 
by pardoning a nonviolent 10 percent of its 
168,000 prisoners and giving them four-year 
scholarships, In the meantime, the National 
Prisoner Resource List includes programs that 
mail donated books to prisoners. Inmates can 
write Lucy Parsons Bookstore, 1306 Han- 
cock Street, Suite 100, Quincy, Massachusetts 
02169 (stamps are welcome but not required) 
or ask a friend or relative to print and mail a 

copy from prisonbookprogram.org. 


E-mail via the web at letters. playboy.com. 
Or write: 680 North Lake Shore Drive, 
Chicago, Illinois 60611. 


It’s the Ink, Not the Canvas 
MOSA BEACH, CALIFORNIA—After а four- 
year legal battle, the owner of a tattoo 
studio in nearby Gardena won the right to 
expand into this beach community, which 
had effectively barred tattoo parlors as 
potential health hazards. Johnny Ander- 
son (left) argued the ban violated his First 
Amendment rights as an artist. A federal 
appeals court agreed, rulin ttoos are a 
"purely expressive activity" protected by 
the Constitution. Hermosa Beach officials 
decided not to press the issue and instead 
amended its zoning laws. Anderson, who 
owns a popular tattoo studio called Yer 
Cheat'n Heart, sued the city in 2006. He 
lost the first round when a lower court 
ruled tattoo artists are not protected by 
the First Amendment because they only 
convey ideas or messages chosen by cus- 
tomers. But the appeals court discarded 
that reasoning, saying that tattooing is 
akin to writing or painting rather than to 
an activity such as burning a draft card, 
which may or may not be the expression 
of an idea. Further, it noted, “the tattoo 
cannot be created without the tattooing 
process more than the Declaration of 
Independence could have been created 
without a goose quill, foolscap and ink.” 
Anderson said he is “ecstatic” about the 
decision. “І want to give glory to God,” he 
said. “He broke down this wall for me.” 


Peanut Patrol 

CHARDON, oHIO—There's a new K-9 in town—a 
Chihuahua-rat terrier mix named Midge. The 
Geauga County sheriff began training the six- 
pound mutt to 
sniff out drugs 
when he read 
about suspects 
who had sued 
after their homes 
were damaged by 
Labradors or Ger- 
man shepherds. 
Drug dogs are now also available to citizens. 
In Catonsville, Maryland a new firm allows the 
parents of teenagers to rent the animals for 
$200 an hour to search their homes. 


Dangerous Drugs 
LONDON—A group of scientists rated 20 recre- 
ational drugs for their potential physical, 
psychological and social damage and cor 
cluded alcohol is by far the most harmful, 
followed by heroin, crack, meth, cocaine, 


tobacco, amphetamines and marijuana 
Ecstasy, LSD and mushrooms appear at 
the bottom of the list. The researchers said 
their ranking, published in The Lancet, is 
designed to provide “guidance to policy 
makers in health, policing and social care." 


Your E-Mail Has Rights 


CINCINNATI—A federal court affirmed that 
police need a search warrant to seize 
e-mail stored at internet service providers 
The case involves Steven Warshak, whose 
company sold a bogus penis-enlargement 
pill called Enzyte. During a fraud investi 
gation federal agents told Warshak's ISP. 
to keep copies of his e-mails, a stash that 
eventually included 27,000 messages. 
The court ruled the agents should have 
obtained a warrant, just as they would 
have needed one to intercept a letter. 


Sex and Violence 


WASECA, MINNESOTA—Prosecutors charged a 
37-year-old man with filling a vibrator with. 


gunpowder, BBs and buckshot with the hope 
it would explode inside his ex-girlfriend. 
Bomb-squad technicians dismantled the 
device. In Gurnee, Illinois, meanwhile, an 
officer arrested a 56-year-old woman he 
says threatened him with a “clear, rigid 
feminine pleasure device” pulled from her 
dresser drawer. The officer had gone with 
the woman to her apartment so she could 
get cash to pay a restaurant bill. She claims 
self defense, saying he startled her. 


Red-Light District 
pracue— Frustrated by speeders, 
police in several Czech towns 


have erected cut: щі > iy 
= 
se) 5 


outs along the road 
of a policewoman 
in a miniskirt. One 
mayor insisted it 
is the officer's uni- 
form, not her legs, 
that causes drivers 
to slow down. 


In the age-old 
Ginger ver- 
sus Mary Ann 
debate—better 
known as Would 
You Rather: 

Blondes or Red- 
heads Edition— 

we'll answer 

RIHANNA, The 

songstress dyed her 

locks before hosting 

a New Year's Eve 

party at Pure Night 

182 Club in Las Vegas. 


2st Supporti 
Italian model ELISABETTA CANALIS has appeared in Virgin Territory (we've 
never seen it) and Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo (wish we'd never seen it) 
Her latest role is as George Clooney's main 
squeeze. So much for staring at goats 


Water Works 

That's Gossip Girl and Piranha 
3D star JESSICA SZOHR frol- 
icking in the gush of an open fire 
hydrant. The reptilian scales? 
Those are for a SoBe Lifewater 
ad campaign. Lucky for us, the 
body paint is water soluble. 


You may recognize 
British actress 
ALICE EVE from 
the comedy She's 
Out of My League. 
But did you 

also recognize her 
mismatched pair? 
Remove thy mind 
from the gutter. 
One of her eyes is 
blue and the other 
is green. 


ORGS best завета Clowning Around 
known export, Ка Before getting an office job оп Mad Men, CHRISTINA HENDRICKS (far right, 
ind thoug / à aka. Joan Holloway) worked as а pLaveoy model, greatly enhancing a July 1999 
cocktail feature What's with the clown? Speedos were a fad in the 1990s, 


Time and 
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Here's another look 


3 EI 
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worked|her way 

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Painted Lady at the 

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on Playboy TV's 
Beach House. What 
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