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WE KNOW DRAMA TM & © 2011 Turner Broadcasting System Inc. A Time Warner Company. All Rights Reserved. 


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! ® erhaps no player reflects William 

ШӨ? Wordsworth's observation that “golf - 
ss a day spent in a round of strenu- ГР 
ous idleness" better than John Daly. Не has 


been the game's bad boy since he appeared 
on the scene in 1991, driving all night to 
compete as the ninth alternate in the PGA 
Championship in Carmel, Indiana and fir- 
ing an opening-round 69. "Grip it and rip it" 
was his explanation. Now, after three stops 
in rehab, four divorces, a dozen scandals and 
the frittering away of more than $50 million, 
can Daly avoid the roughs? Alison Bonaguro 
profiles the popular everyman in The Day 
ро Another celebrated sybarite, . 
Harrison, returns to our pages with Chef 
English Major, i in which he explains why it 
has taken him nearly 50 years to become 
a "consistently acceptable cook.” It's from 
a new anthology, Man With a Pan: Culinary 
Adventures of Fathers Who PN adi Their 
Families. We can't tell you if Robert Coove 
makes a decent omelet, buta as one rol the 
country's foremost fiction writers, he sure 
can cook up a story. In The Girl Next Door 
Coover reimagines 
what happens when 
the boy next door mar- 
ries his neighbor. It's a 
delightfully dark disas- 
ter. For a dose of hope 
and light, soak up the 
gorgeous dee nd — 
. 


з Robert Coover 
al a certain rock icon. 


You can't not be satisfied by She Comes 
in Colors. If you're afraid of the water, you 
won't be u Shark!, a gripping 
report by S 11 /. When an unprec- 
edented жақта of Е strikes terror in 
an Egyptian tourist town, authorities call in 
George Burgess, the world's top open-sea 
investigator. To accompany the story, Juliet 
Eilperin explains why the shark is, biologi- 
cally speaking, the perfect hunter. Eilperin's 
book Demon Fish: Travels Through the Hid- 
ү Worl d of Sharks c comes out this month. 

awrence O'Donnell is less dangerous 
xem a mako, but that's just about all his 
critics will concede. In the Playboy Inter- 
view the left-falling (leaning isn't far enough) 
former writer of The West Wing and tough- 
guy host of The Last Word With Lawrence 
O'Donnell (weeknights on М5МВС) slams 
conservatives with a special flair. (Michele 
Bachmann is "a poor man's Sarah Palin"; Bill 
O'Reilly "a serial Паг") Everyone's a tough 
guy until he meets a pinup, especially if 
she's our PMOY. The honor belongs to Miss 
October 2010 Claire Sinclair. You'll find 
glamorous new images in Claire Sinclair Is 
Playmate of the Year. Finally, we cornered 
Louis C.K. for 20Q. As you may recall, the 
writer, director, producer, editor and star of 
the hit FX sitcom Louie reportedly got NPR's 
Fresh Air banned in Mississippi by talking 
about having sex with his shirt on. Isn't that 
how everybody does it? 


d  WorldMags 
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FLEX YOUR ENGINE 


UOL. 58, NO. 6-JUNE 2011 


THE DALY SHOW! 
After several stints in rehab, four divorces 
and gastric band surgery, infamous golf 
bad boy John Daly is slim and sober—but 
still wild at heart. By 


2011 PLAYBOY SEX SURVEY 
We surveyed 2,310 adults on their coital 
habits, and the results are in. Find out how 
your fellow Americans are getting off. 


CHEF ENGLISH MAJOR 
shares the ups and downs of 
his 5O-year journey to culinary know-how. 


GOING MOBILE 
A guide to the latest and greatest por- 
table gadgets. By 


THE NEW CONGRESSMAN'S 
GUIDE TO GETTING LAID 


Every member of Congress needs to mas- 
ter the art of misbehaving on the down 
low. Our insider divulges the 
secrets to savvy philandering. 


It was a scene out of Jaws or Shark Week. A series of vicious shark attacks at a pop- 
ular Egyptian resort left one person dead, several others horribly maimed and everyone 
else in a panic. TY reveals how nature's violent mystery was solved. 


98 i LAWRENCE O’DONNELL 
lo ГА T R m j In a candid conversation with 
EM MSNBC's outspoken host talks about 
ET N * ГА 4 socialism, his ultraconservative rivals апа 
why he can't take Bill O'Reilly seriously. 
\ - LOUIS C.K. 


The comedian opens up to 

about divorce, his Sarah Palin 
Twitter rants and how he managed to avoid 
becoming an alcoholic drug addict. 


THE GIRL NEXT DOOR 
What happens when the girl next door 
marries the boy next door? Lots of very 
bad things. By 


Her mother is a supermodel and her father is 
the frontman of the most famous band in the 
world, so it's not surprising Lizzy Jagger grew 
up to be a beautiful and glamorous woman. The 
model-actress reveals her sensual side for pho- 
tographer Sasha Eisenman, and the resulting 
pictorial—much like our Rabbit—is spot-on. 9 


UOL. 58, NO. 6-JUNE 2011 


PLAYBOY 


| SHE COMES IN COLORS 


She's the daughter of a supermodel and 
a rock legend. Lizzy Jagger has good 
genes and knows how to use them. 


‚ PLAYMATE: MEI-LING LAM 


Asian knockout Miss June is a glorious 
combination of beauty pageant vet- 
eran and Boston Celtics superfan. 
PLAYMATE OF THE YEAR: 
CLAIRE SINCLAIR 
She's beautiful and brainy and she's 
our 2011 Playmate of the Year. The 
buxom brunette channels her per- 
sonal role model: the classic American 
pinup. (Also check out her bonus Cen- 
terfold following page 114.) 


THE END OF THE WORLD 


Our culture is obsessed with the idea 
of an impending apocalypse, but 
says the end is not nigh. 


MY LIFE AS A SUGAR MAMA 
Earning less money than your woman 
doesn't make you less masculine. 

explains how to реа 
successful and happy kept man. 


72 PLAYMATE 


MEI-LING LAM 


GOOD CRAZY 
explains why Charlie 
Sheen' s particular cocktail of mad- 
ness makes for good leadership. 
THE BUNNY MYSTIQUE 


looks at PLAYBOY’S 
complicated feminist role. 


GRANNY 


THE WORLD OF PLAYBOY 


PLAYBOY. COM 


2011 We document a day in the 
life of Playmate of the Year 2011 Claire 
Sinclair in Video and — 

OT FQ IEAK Gorgeous 

8 ONES 25 of the hippest 
Air Jordan kiek ever made. 
2011 OY SEX POLL You won't 
believe how much sex our readers are 
having. Read the extended analysis of 
our in- depth eos a 

HE SMC G JA ` Bored? Visit 
thesmokingiacket: com nto enjoy safe-for- 
work girls and daily internet hilarity. 


PLAYBOY ON PLAYBOY ON 
FACEBOOK TWITTER 


GET Keep up with all things 
Playboyi at facebook: com/playboy and 
twitter.com/playboy. 


Revisit the beloved frisky senior citizen Hef and Crystal appear on Piers Morgan Tonight; 
made famous by Kendra Wilkinson struts her stuff on Dancing With 
the Stars; NBC begins shooting The Playboy Club. 

HANGIN’ WITH HEF 
Hef kicks back with 50 Cent, Steve Bing, Fred 
Dryer, Topher Grace, Anna Faris and other celebs 
at a bevy of Mansion events. 

PLAYMATE NEWS 

Miss June 2004 Hiromi Oshima raises money for 
Japan; Miss October 2000 Nichole Van Croft opens 
her own restaurant; Miss July 2010 Shanna Marie 
McLaughlin becomes a host for Blackbelt TV. 


GENERAL OFFICES: PLAYBOY, 680 NORTH LAKE SHORE 
DRIVE, CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 6061 1. PLAYBOY ASSUMES NO 
RESPONSIBILITY TO RETURN UNSOLICITED EDITORIAL OR 
GRAPHIC OR OTHER MATERIAL. ALL RIGHTS IN LETTERS 
AND UNSOLICITED EDITORIAL AND GRAPHIC MATERIAL 
WILL BE TREATED AS UNCONDITIONALLY ASSIGNED FOR 
PUBLICATION AND COPYRIGHT PURPOSES, AND MATERIAL 
WILL BE SUBJECT TO PLAYBOY'S UNRESTRICTED RIGHT 
TO EDIT AND TO COMMENT EDITORIALLY. CONTENTS 
COPYRIGHT 0 2011 BY PLAYBOY. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. 
PLAYBOY, PLAYMATE AND RABBIT HEAD SYMBOL ARE 
MARKS OF PLAYBOY, REGISTERED U.S. TRADEMARK 
OFFICE. NO PART OF THIS BOOK MAY BE REPRODUCED, 
STORED IN A RETRIEVAL SYSTEM OR TRANSMITTED IN ANY 
FORM BY ANY ELECTRONIC, MECHANICAL, PHOTOCOPY- 
ING OR RECORDING MEANS OR OTHERWISE WITHOUT 
PRIOR WRITTEN PERMISSION OF THE PUBLISHER. ANY 
SIMILARITY BETWEEN THE PEOPLE AND PLACES IN THE 
FICTION AND SEMIFICTION IN THIS MAGAZINE AND ANY 
REAL PEOPLE AND PLACES IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL. 
FOR CREDITS SEE PAGE 127. DANBURY MINT ONSERT 
IN DOMESTIC SUBSCRIPTION POLYWRAPPED COPIES. 


PLAYBILL 

DEAR PLAYBOY 
AFTER HOURS 
REVIEWS 
MANTRACK 
PLAYBOY ADVISOR 
PARTY JOKES 
GRAPEVINE 


SANTA FE TOBACCO INSERT BETWEEN PAGES 24-25 IN 
ALL DOMESTIC SUBSCRIPTION AND NEWSSTAND COPIES. 
JEAN PAUL GAULTIER LE MALE INSERT BETWEEN PAGES 
32-33 IN DOMESTIC SUBSCRIPTION AND SELECT NEWS- 
STAND COPIES. COTY INSERT BETWEEN PAGES 114-115 
IN ALL COPIES. CERTIFICADO DE LICITUD DE TÍTULO NO. 
7570 DE FECHA 29 DE JULIO DE 1993, Y CERTIFICADO DE 
LICITUD DE CONTENIDO NO. 5108 DE FECHA 29 DE JULIO 


BEACH BOYS 


Whether you're an East Coast preppy 
or a laid-back surfer dude, 
has the perfect summer 
10 threads to keep you looking cool. 


DE 1993 EXPEDIDOS POR LA COMISÍON CALIFICADORA DE 
PUBLICACIONES Y REVISTAS ILUSTRADAS DEPENDIENTE 
DE LA SECRETARIA DE GOBERNACIÓN, MÉXICO. RESERVA 
DE DERECHOS 04-2000-071710332800-102 


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WHEN I OPEN MY MOUTH уа 
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rupti IS INSIDE US ALL 
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FACEBOOK.COM/BOMBAYSAPPHIRE ^. * < Ф; 


BOMBAY SAPPHIRE IS A REGISTERED TRADEMARK. ©2011 IMPORTED BY THE BOMBAY SPIRITS COMPANY U.S.A., CORAL GABLES, FL. GIN - 47% ALC. BY VOL 


PLAYBOY 


When Hugh Hefner founded the 
first Playboy Club in Chicago, 
he wanted a female waitstaff 
that would embody the Playboy 
fantasy. The Playboy Bunny was 
born, and 50 years later she lives 
on in our imaginations. With 
more than 200 amazing pho- 
tos of classic Bunnies—along 
with many never-before-seen 
images—50 Years of the Playboy 
Bunny is the definitive work on 
a cultural icon. Go to playboy 
store.com to order. (176 pages, $35, 
Chronicle Books) 


HUGH M. HEFNER 
editor-in-chief 


JIMMY JELLINEK 
editorial director 
STEPHEN RANDALL deputy editor 
ROB WILSON art director 
LEOPOLD FROEHLICH managing editor 


A.J. BAIME executive editor 
AMY GRACE LOYD executive literary editor 
PATTY BEAUDET-FRANCES deputy photography director 
STEVE GARBARINO editor at large 


EDITORIAL 
TIM MC CORMICK editorial manager FEATURES: CHIP ROWE senior editor 
FASHION: JENNIFER RYAN JONES editor STAFF: JOSH SCHOLLMEYER Senior editor; 

ARANYA TOMSETH assistant editor; CHERIE BRADLEY executive assistant; GILBERT MACIAS senior editorial 
assistant CARTOONS: AMANDA WARREN associate cartoon editor COPY: WINIFRED ORMOND copy chief; 
BRADLEY LINCOLN, SANHITA SINHAROY copy editors RESEARCH: BRIAN COOK, LING MA, 

N.I. OSTROWSKI research editors CONTRIBUTING EDITORS: BRANTLEY BARDIN, 

MARK BOAL, GARY COLE, ROBERT B. DE SALVO, GRETCHEN EDGREN, KEN GROSS, GEORGE GURLEY, 

DAVID HOCHMAN, ARTHUR KRETCHMER (automotive), LISA LAMPANELLI (special correspondent), 
CHRISTIAN PARENTI, JAMES R. PETERSEN, ROCKY RAKOVIC, STEPHEN REBELLO, DAVID RENSIN, WILL SELF, 
DAVID SHEFF, DAVID STEVENS, ROB TANNENBAUM, ALICE K. TURNER 


NICK TOSCHES writer at large 


ART 
SCOTT ANDERSON, BRUCE HANSEN Senior art directors; CODY TILSON associate art director; 
CRISTELA P TSCHUMY digital designer; MATT STEIGBIGEL photo researcher; 
PAUL CHAN Senior art assistant; STEFANI COLE senior art administrator 


PHOTOGRAPHY 
STEPHANIE MORRIS west coast editor; KRYSTLE JOHNSON managing photo director; BARBARA LEIGH 
assistant editor; ARNY FREYTAG, STEPHEN WAYDA Senior contributing photographers; JAMES IMBROGNO, 
RICHARD IZUI, ZACHARY JAMES JOHNSTON, MIZUNO, BYRON NEWMAN, GEN NISHINO, JARMO POHJANIEMI, 
DAVID RAMS contributing photographers; BONNIE JEAN KENNY manager, photo archives; 
KEVIN CRAIG manager, imaging lab; MARIA HAGEN Stylist 


PUBLIC RELATIONS 
THERESA M. HENNESSEY vice president; TERI THOMERSON director 


PRODUCTION 
JODY J. JURGETO production director; DEBBIE TILLOU associate manager; 
BILL BENWAY, RICH CRUBAUGH, SIMMIE WILLIAMS prepress 


ADMINISTRATIVE 
MARCIA TERRONES rights & permissions director 


INTERNATIONAL PUBLISHING 
MARKUS GRINDEL managing director; DAVID WALKER editorial director 


PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES INTERNATIONAL, INC. 
SCOTT FLANDERS chief executive officer 
PLAYBOY INTEGRATED SALES 
JOHN LUMPKIN senior vice president, publisher; MARIE FIRNENO advertising operations director 
ADVERTISING AND MARKETING: AMERICAN MEDIA INC. 

DAVID PECKER chairman and chief executive officer; KEVIN HYSON chief marketing officer; 
HELEN BIANCULLI executive director, direct-response advertising; BRIAN HOAR national spirits director 
NEW YORK: BILL BINAN entertainment and gaming director; JUDY BROOKS fashion and grooming 
director; JARED CASTARDI direct response manager; ANTOINETTE FORTE national Sports nutrition director; 
KENJI TROYER advertising coordinator; JOHN KITSES art director; JAMES CRESS marketing director; 
DANIELLE BRUEN, CHARLES ROMANO marketing managers; LIZA JACOWITZ promotions coordinator 
CHICAGO: scott LISS midwest director DETROIT: JEFF VOGEL national automotive director 


LOS ANGELES: Lori KESSLER west coast director; VALERIE TOVAR digital sales planner 


LD PLAYBOY 


HEF SIGHTINGS, MANSION FROLICS AND NIGHTLIFE NOTES 


THE 1960S CHICAGO PLAYBOY CLUB COMES ALIVE 
NBC's pilot The Playboy Club might become the best thing on TV 
since rabbit ears. It re-creates the original Playboy Club and fills it 
with Bunnies, one played by Amber Heard, and cool cats like Eddie 
Cibrian in the leading role. Alan Taylor, the man who brought Don 
Draper to life, is directing. Think Mad Men—but with Bunnies. 


— 
— 2 


HEF, CRYSTAL AND COOPER ON PIERS MORGAN TONIGHT 


Mr. Playboy, soon-to-be Mrs. Playboy and Cooper went on Piers Morgan’s showto | 


talk about family, discuss wedding plans and announce that the big day would be 
June 18. When Morgan asked Crystal about Hugh Hefner, she responded, “I love 
Hef. He’s the nicest person I’ve ever met, and | have so much fun with him.” 


ALL THE STARS CAME OUT 
When the best in the NBA descended on Los Angeles for All-Star Weekend, 


we opened the world's premier party house to the players and their fans. 


Revelers included the front-court, back-court threat of Karissa and Kristina 


Shannon, С5/: Miami's Omar Benson Miller, former МВА star Darryl Dawkins, 
retired Laker Norm Nixon and Playmates Stacy Fuson and Alison Waite. 


DANCING WITH 
KENDRA 

Kendra Wilkinson tripped 
the light fantastic on 
Dancing With the Stars, 
while Hef, Crystal, friends 
and family applauded. The 
former Girl Next Door and 
queen of her own reality 
show, Kendra, remarked 
before her performance, 
“Рт going to turn all those 
years of club dancing into 
elegant ballroom dancing. 
My dance is hot—not club 
hot but classy hot." 


L ‚R 


5 


Hugh Hefner does more in his pajamas than 
many do all their lives. (1) Hef and Crystal at the 
Mansion's Golden Globes party. (2) Cooper and 
Marston Hefner with Nick Simmons. (3) Hef, 
Steve Bing and Brian Grazer, co-producer of 
The Playboy Club. (4) Hunter's Fred Dryer and 
Caitlin, his daughter from his marriage to Miss 
October 1983 Tracy Vaccaro. (5) 50 Cent and 
Hef on Movie Night. (6) Teresa Palmer, Topher 
Grace and Anna Faris at a Mansion screen- 
ing of their movie, Take Me Home Tonight. (7) 
Fun in the Sun with model Sheridyn Fisher 
and Playmates Shera Bechard and Kassie 
Lyn Logsdon. (8) Michael Feinstein and Hef 
around the jukebox after their interview for 
Michael Feinstein’s American Songbook. (9) Ital- 
ian actor Franco Nero and Hef. (10) Cooper 
and Jon Lovitz on Mansion Oscar Night. (11) 
Kendra Wilkinson and Hank Baskett with Baby 
Hank at PMW. (12) Crystal and Miss January 2010 
Jaime Faith Edmondson in the Game Room with 
their pooches Charlie and Miss Molly. (13) Miss 
May 2009 Crystal McCahill, Miss January 2011 
Anna Sophia Berglund, Hef, Crystal Harris and 
Sheridyn at the Kandyland Masquerade Party. 


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SPICY DIVA 
Ilove Lisa Lampanelli's Women column 
and hope it's something I can look for- 
ward to every month. Sarcasm rocks. 
Phil Gates 
Beaverton, Oregon 


Lampanelli is a vicious, loud, obnox- 
ious bitch with a mouth that needs a big 
bar of soap. God, I love her.... 

Christopher Tucker 
Bowling Green, Kentucky 


FAITH IN NUMBERS 
You report in Raw Data (March) that 
about 50 percent of scientists practice some 
sort of faith. What is the source? A survey 
published in Nature found only seven per- 
cent of scientists in the National Academy 
of Sciences and less than 40 percent of all 
scientists believe in a personal god. 
Dale Kitchens 
Hamilton, Texas 
The stat comes from Elaine Howard Ecklund, 
a sociology professor at Rice University who 
surveyed nearly 1,700 scientists for Science vs. 
Religion: What Scientists Really Think. 


A figure in Raw Data (April) suggests 
that attractive women are more intelli- 
gent. I guess Jimmy Buffett had it right 
when he sang, “I’m looking for a smart 
woman in a real short skirt.” 

Pat Wilson 
Helper, Utah 
When has Jimmy had it wrong? 


NAKED HISTORY 
In “Tease Frame” (After Hours, April) 
you say Neve Campbell first appeared 
nude in Т Really Hate My Job (2007). But 
she also appeared nude in When Will I Be 
Loved, from 2004. I guess James Toback 
brings out the best in some people. 
Greg Nisnievich 
New York, New York 


MISSING BEAUTY 
How could you skip Emma Watson, 
the hottest actress since Marilyn Monroe, 
in Playboy’s Sexiest Celebrities (April)? 
Richard Ray 
Rockford, Illinois 


THE REASON FOR RIOTS 
I was in London on December 9, 
during the madness Will Self describes 
in Dancing in the Streets (April). The 
coalition of Conservatives and Liberal 
Democrats lied to gain students’ trust, 
then screwed us over. The violence was 
unnecessary and regrettable, but I think 
you will see more of it here and else- 
where. People feel betrayed. 
Robbie Davison 
Newcastle upon Tyne, U.K. 


BUGGED OUT 

I appreciate that much of today’s 
marketing is driven by fear (“The 
Disease-of-the-Month Club,” Men, April). 
However, the fear brought on by the 


WorldMags 


DEAR PLAYBOY 


Big Golden Flying Rocks 


We cannot afford to wait for some 
billionaire angel to invest in asteroid 
mining (The Great Galactic Gold Rush, 
April). As with the internet, the gov- 
ernment needs to make the initial 
investment. The next step is to con- 
duct a thorough near-Earth-asteroid 
survey with a near-infrared telescope 
in a Venus-like orbit, as has been pro- 
posed by Ball Aerospace. 

William BC Crandall 
Redwood City, California 

Crandall, president of Space Wealth 
(spacewealth.org), is author of the forth- 
coming book The Wealth of Asteroids. 


bedbug epidemic is justifiable, and ento- 

mologists such as myself are in awe of the 

abilities of properly trained sniffer dogs. 
Richard Cowles 
Storrs, Connecticut 


A PERFECT 10-0 
Props to Sheryl Nields for her unique 

and bold cover shot and pictorial of 

Hawaii Five-0’s Taryn Manning (Taryn It 

Up, April). I love the attitude Manning 

shows, and the photos are sexy retro. 
Haley Chambers 
South Point, Ohio 


I am disappointed to see no mention 
in the pictorial of Manning’s terrific 


Manning: “I want to be a one-woman show.” 


performance on Sons of Anarchy as 
Cherry, Half-Sack’s love interest. 
Kristin Whitford 
St. Clair Shores, Michigan 


HELEN THOMAS 

No matter how “fed up” journalist Helen 
Thomas is with the Israeli-Palestinian con- 
flict (Playboy Interview, April), her anger 


DONATO GIANCOLA 


doesn’t give her license to spread anti- 
Semitic conspiracy theories such as the 
canard that Jews control the government. 
One can criticize Israel without resorting 
to stereotypes. Likewise, her demand that 
all Jews leave Israel and “go home" is an 
outrageous pronouncement and a pre- 
scription for national suicide. Thomas 
may be so delusional as to believe she is 
not anti-Semitic, but her hurtful words 
show otherwise. 

Abraham Foxman 

New York, New York 

Foxman is national director of the Anti- 

Defamation League. 


Thomas’s epitaph should read ATOUGH 
REPORTER WHO ASKED REAL QUESTIONS. 
Dan Heredia 
Dana Point, California 


I am outraged that you devoted head- 
lines to the ravings of that anti-Semitic 
witch Helen Thomas. Israel has been the 
biblical home of the Jews for 3,000 years. 
Palestinians are nothing more than a sect 
of Arabs who were "declared" a people by 
the British after World War I. They have 
as much right to the land of Israel as they 
do to the land of Jordan. 

Bill Firshein 
Middletown, Connecticut 


David Hochman did a marvelous job 
interviewing Thomas. I find it scary to 
think a crazy woman could be that close 
to any of our presidents. 

Larry D'Apice 
Glen Rock, Pennsylvania 


'The problem with giving Thomas's 
rhetoric so much space is that many 
uninformed readers may believe she 
knows what she's talking about. The Pal- 
estinian mandate has been to kill Israelis, 
not the other way around. As the son 
of a Holocaust survivor, I am appalled 


17 


NOTHING 


WRONG WITH A 
TEA PARTY. 


WODKA POLSKA 


Thomas would question the need to 
continue to remember the atrocities 
that millions of Jews and non-Jews alike 
suffered at the hands of the Nazis. 
David Shaw 
Valley Stream, New York 


As the journalist who interviewed 
Thomas at the White House, I read with 
interest her comments in the Playboy 
Interview confirming that she is an anti- 
Semite. Those with any sanity know Israel 


Helen Thomas with John F. Kennedy in 1960. 


is trying to live peacefully while being 
terrorized by the same monsters who slit 
Jewish babies’ throats and blow up build- 
ings in New York. For years Thomas has 
expressed her fear that Israel has nuclear 
weapons. If she’s right, Israel’s restraint 
shows it to be a civilized, trustworthy soci- 
ety. Which Arab country would she like to 
give these weapons to? 

Rabbi David Nesenoff 

Garden City, New York 

Nesenoff is publisher of The Jewish Star. 


Your splendid interview helps restore 
my sagging faith in U.S. journalism. Until 
Thomas came under attack, I believed the 
media had matured enough to handle 
a civil discussion of Israel’s brutal colo- 
nialism. A Semite herself, Thomas uses 
plain language to plead for justice for 
Palestinians. She is known for her life- 
long support of human rights for all and 
doesn’t possess an ounce of anti-Semitism. 
I was delighted when she wrote the fore- 
word to my memoir Speaking Out. I have 
long lamented Israel's success in rede- 
fining anti-Semitism, corrupting it so 
thoroughly that it smears even the slight- 
est criticism of Israeli behavior. 

Paul Findley 
Jacksonville, Illinois 

Findley, who served 11 terms as a U.S. rep- 
resentative from Illinois, is founding chairman 
of the Council for the National Interest. 


FANTASY VS. REALITY 

In another age, Deepak Chopra's dis- 
missal in the Playboy Interview (March) of 
those who are skeptical of his views as 


"angry people...mostly high school teach- 
ers" would have been cause to challenge 
him to a duel, or at least a drinking con- 
test (he would probably propose herbal 
tea against my whiskey). I would call his 
statement unconscionable, but since he 
believes we all share a universal con- 
sciousness, that would be like blaming 
myself. Sadly, there isn't enough space 
to explain why so many teachers at all 
levels are skeptical, but as Chopra men- 
tions, he and I are having it out in War 
of the Worldviews. Our bloody battle of 
words will be published in October. We'll 
see who's angry then. 
Leonard Mlodinow 
Pasadena, California 
Mlodinow, а physicist, is author of The 
Drunkard's Walk: How Randomness Rules 
Our Lives and co-author, with Stephen 
Hawking, of The Grand Design. 


Chopra makes three basic claims. First, 
“intelligence...exists in each of our cells, 
and as such, each cell knows how to 
heal itself." That’s true. The question is 
whether that intelligence relies on a mine- 
strone of chemical signals (as conventional 
science assumes) or on nonlocal quantum 
computing and entanglement among 
DNA, microtubules and other structures, 
as some of us believe. Second, “conscious- 
ness is nonlocal" and thus may extend 
outside the brain. This is a Pandora's 
box to mainstream science, which can't 
explain consciousness in the brain. Third, 
consciousness is intrinsic to the universe, 
e.g., embedded in the fine structure of 
reality from the big bang, perhaps from 
a previous incarnation of the universe (as 
suggested by Roger Penrose and me). The 
alternative (e.g., Hawking and Mlodinow 
in The Grand Design) requires a near- 
infinite multitude of unknowable parallel 
universes, this particular one being just 
right. Chopra's claims are testable and 
consistent with science. 

Dr. Stuart Hameroff 
Tucson, Arizona 

Hameroff directs the Center for Consciousness 

Studies at the University of Arizona. 


Deepak Chopra once again fails to grasp 
the reality around him. When asked why 
scientists argue so strongly against him, 
he says it's because he's "gone out on a 
limb, whereas other people have played 
it safe." It's not that he's gone out on a 
limb but that when he talks about science 
he gets it utterly wrong. His explanations 
of quantum mechanics sound profound 
to laypeople, but scientists hear mumbo 
jumbo. His critics aren't angry; we just 
want evidence for his fantastic claims. If 
you want to grasp how amazing the uni- 
verse is, science (reality) wins every time. 

Philip Plait 
Boulder, Colorado 

Plait, an astronomer, writes at blogs.discover 

magazine.com/badastronomy. 


E-mail via the web at LETTERS.PLAYBOY.COM Or write: 680 NORTH LAKE SHORE DRIVE, CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 60611 


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PLAYBOY AFTERHOURS 


cleaner for a week, and 
it opened my eyes to a 
lot of things—not that 
I come from a posh 
background, but some- 
times you don't realize 
how lucky you are. 
So I'm glad I did the 
show." We're grateful 
it was only a temporary 
career change. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY JENS WIKHOLM/ 
CELEBRITY PICTURES 


L.A. Story 


Restaurateurs have breathed fresh air into the Hollywood din- 
ing scene. We've tasted it all, and here are our favorites: Il 
Covo in West Hollywood, new Italian fare from nightlife impre- 
sario Sean MacPherson; Il Sole, a newly remodeled classic 
on Sunset Boulevard; and Public Kitchen and Bar (pictured) 
in the Hollywood Roosevelt (go for the pork schnitzel). 


NICHOLSO— 
ДІЛ 


Classic Look of the Month 


You could lose your shirt in | the shirt 
business. Unless, that is, your product 
strikes a chord. For Texas-based Billy 
Nachman and Hobson Brown, the hunt for a 
perfect polo was all-consuming, going back to their boyhood 
days. So last year they launched Criquet, which specializes in 
polo shirts that evoke old-school effortless preppy cool. Woven Р 
of organic cotton, they're “built to be inherited,” as Nachman and Slip it on: three-piece 
Brown put it—timeless style for the man who seeks adventure Spencer suit ($380) by Topman; dress shirt ($60) by 
with a girl on his arm and a rocks glass in his hand. Pictured: Kenneth Cole New York; coin medallion tie ($70) by Jos. 
men's wide-striped player’s shirt ($65, criquetshirts.com). A. Bank; C-crown crushable fedora ($36) by Jaxon. 


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JULE'S GOURMET JERK CHICKEN SAUCE AVAILABLE AT MISS LILY'S 


2 oz. Scotch bonnet 

(or habafiero) pepper, finely 
chopped 

1 bunch scallions, most of 

greens trimmed, chopped 

5 cloves garlic, finely 

chopped 

1 oz. fresh thyme, chopped 


% cup molasses 
2 tbsp. soy sauce 
2 tbsp. white wine 
% tbsp. allspice 
% tbsp. peeled ginger, 
chopped 
1⁄4 tbsp. cinnamon 
1⁄4 tbsp. sea salt 


For a chunky sauce, mix all 
ingredients in a bowl. For a 
smooth sauce, blend all 
ingredients until smooth. 
Marinate chicken in the jerk 
sauce for at least 12 hours 
before roasting or grilling. 


Le Mans 
Road Warriors 


On June 11, at three p.m. Paris time, the 24 Hours of Le Mans will start, kicking off one 
of the greatest rivalries in international sport. The Germans (specifically Audi, debuting 
the new R18 TDI this year, pictured) will battle the French (Peugeot's new 908) in the 
ultimate competition of speed, endurance and engineering. Last year Peugeot was faster, 
but not one of the four cars it entered survived to the end, and Audi took the checkered 
flag. Who'll come out on top in 2011? Tune in to the action on the Speed channel. 


па R18 TDI 
debuts at Le Mans 
this month. 


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SEE MORE OF KIMBERLEY 


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с.о 
Kimberley Cohen op 


KIMBERLEY: Hello, welcome to Sluggers. 
PLAYBOY: This looks like the perfect 
Wrigleyville bar to have a beer before a 
Cubs game. 

KIMBERLEY: Upstairs we have batting 
cages if you need another distraction. 
PLAYBOY: You are enough of a distrac- 
tion for us. Do we detect an accent? 
KIMBERLEY: I'm from Australia. 
PLAYBOY: What brings you to Chicago? 
KIMBERLEY: I've traveled all around the 
U.S., and I like the people and weather 
here the best. 

PLAYBOY: And the Cubs? 

KIMBERLEY: Go, Cubs, go! 

PLAYBOY: What's the preferred drink 
here? 

KIMBERLEY: We serve a lot of beer—Old 
Style and Bud Light—and people order 
plenty of bomb shots. 

PLAYBOY: Anything refreshing for the 
summer weather? 

KIMBERLEY: I'll shake up some Sluggers. 
PLAYBOY: Forgive us for being forward, 
but would you like to pose for PLAvBov? 
KIMBERLEY: That would be a dream. 
PLAYBOY: When can you come in? 
KIMBERLEY: Check the Cubs' schedule 
to see when they б 

have a road дате. = 


IN SEARCH OF AMERICA'S 
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HOURS 


ET, Grass 


The best new golf course in the U.S. is Old 
Macdonald at the Bandon Dunes resort in 
Oregon. Although it opened last year, few 
have played it. The course will hostthe 
Amateur Public Links from June 27 to J 

2. Famed designer Tom Doak crafted t 
spectacular 18 as ап hom age to Che 

Blair Macdonald, the hard-c 3 

who pioneered golf in America in 

19th century. Old Масаола 1 

greens, treacherous sa ni 

ocean views. And no c. 


time P ondu esgo 
LA e 


Dian Hanson 


Between the Covers 


The now legendary series of sexy coffee-table 
books by Dian Hanson has taken on a new 
dimension—literally. 
Taschen has released 
Hanson's Big Book of 
Breasts 3D—a compan- 
ion book to her 2006 
release, with addi- 
tional pictures and in 
three dimensions. The 
visual wizardry comes 
from the Brain Factory, 
the effects outfit that 
has worked with Tim 
Burton. Available at 
Amazon.com. 


Sound and Fury 


It's nirvana for Nirvana fans: The most extensive exhibition of all things Kurt Cobain 
and friends has opened at the Frank Gehry-designed Experience Music Project 
museum, situated at the base of Seattle's Space Needle. Nirvana: Taking Punk to the 
Masses will feature band equipment, never-before-exhibited paintings by Cobain, 
the reel-to-reel tape machine owned by Cobain's aunt with which he recorded his 
early bands (Organized Confusion, Fecal Matter) and more. Info at empsfm.org. 


toon ADOT 
E NATURAL TOR ACC 
u em 


Our journey began, as they often do, 

with little more than an idea - to create a 
premium cigarette that was free of additives. 
Once that goal was achieved, our next stop 
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We're proud to have produced 

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толсо 
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And as we met more and more 
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Offer for two “1 for S1" Gift Certificates good toward any Natural Ameri- 
can Spirit pack or pouch purchase (excludes 150g tins). Not to be used 
in conjunction with any other offer. Offer restricted to U.S. smokers 21 
years of age and older. Limit one offer per person per 12 month period. 
Offer void in MA and where prohibited. Other restrictions may apply 
Offer expires 09/30/11 


TryAmericanSpirit.com or 


call 1-800-435-5515 


WHAT'S YOUR STYLE? 
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SURGEON GENERAL'S 
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in Fetal Injury, Premature 
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Natural American Spirit® is a registered trademark of 
Santa Fe Natural Tobacco Company. OSFNTC2 2011 


WHAT'S YOUR STYLE? 
Our online Style Selector gives 
recommendations based on what you 
currently smoke. To find yours visit: 


TryAmericanSpirit.com 


e 


SURGEON GENERALS 
WARNING: Smoking By 


Pregnant Women May Result 
in Fetal Injury, Premature 
Birth And Low Birth Weight. 


Natural American Spirit® is a registered trademark of 
Santa Fe Natural Tobacco Company. GSFNTC2 2011 


WHAT'S YOUR STYLE? 
Our online Style Selector gives 
recommendations based on what you 
currently smoke. To find yours visit: 


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7 W BB 


SURGEON GENERALS 
WARNING: Smoking By 


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Natural American Spirit® is a registered trademark of 
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EXPERIENCE 
NATURAL 
AMERICAN 
SPIRIT 


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Offer for two “1 for $1” Gift Certificates good toward any 
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do more. - а new paper inner liner. We continue 
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26 


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[ OMEN 
AFTER HOURS 


X-Men: First Class The Marvel super- 
mutant franchise gets a Kennedy-era 
prequel about Professor X (James 
McAvoy) and Magneto (Michael 
Fassbender) as BFFs battling a secret 
society bent on world domination. 


The Tree of Life In Terrence Malick's 
latest dazzler, Sean Penn grapples 
with 1950s childhood memories domi- 
nated by his father, Brad Pitt, while 
tackling existential questions involving 
the mystery of time and dinosaurs. 


Green Lantern It's Ryan Reynolds's turn 
to sport a superhero suit and play the 
cocky DC Comics test pilot whose magic 
green ring makes him part of a task force 
of intergalactic peacekeepers. Blake 
Lively and Peter Sarsgaard co-star. 


Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger 
Tides Johnny Depp's fourth yo-ho-ho 
adventure—in 3-D this time—pits him 
against Blackbeard (Ian McShane) and 
his daughter (Penélope Cruz) as the 
pirates race to find the Fountain of Youth. 


а 


Movie of the Month 
The Hangover 
Part Il 


The drunk and disorderly gang are all 
here again in The Hangover Part II. The 
sequel's craziness revolves around Brad- 
ley Cooper and Zach Galifianakis schlep- 
ping to Bangkok for the wedding bash of 
dentist Ed Helms. Expect high jinks involv- 
ing a monkey, ill-advised trips to a strip 
club and the return of both Mike Tyson and 
the hilariously evil Mr. Chow (Ken Jeong). 
"We were all on the same page that if 
the script wasn't good we weren't do- 
ing another Hangover,” says Helms. “Тһе 
script is great. It picks up a year and a half 
after the first movie, with my character 
in a happy, healthy place with a beautiful 
fiancée played by Jamie Chung. Then the 
wheels come off. This one's a lot more 
physical, and not being a terribly athletic 
guy, I had general soreness and fatigue the 
whole time of filming. It's a more intense 
movie—amped up, crazier and darker. That 
was the only way to make a sequel, and we 
all hope and believe we've made a movie 
that's as funny or even funnier than The 
Hangover. I'm really proud of this thing." 


The Beaver In this Jodie Foster- 
directed drama, Mel Gibson plays a 
toy company CEO and family man so 
deeply depressed and disconnected 
that he talks only via a stuffed hand 
puppet. Sometimes art imitates life. 


Super 8 This J.J. Abrams-directed, 
Steven Spielberg-produced sci-fi 
adventure set in 1970s small-town Ohio 
has kids making an amateur movie 
when a fiery train derailment unleashes 
something big, mean and scary. 


INTRODUCING THE NEW — = 


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MOTORCYCLE 


H-D.COM/DARKCUSTOM 


©2011 H-D. HARLEY, HARLEY-DAVIDSON, DARK CUSTOM, BLACKLINE, AND THE DARK CUSTOM LOGO ARE AMONG A 
THE TRADEMARKS OF H-D MICHIGAN, LLC. ALL OTHER TRADEMARKS ARE PROPERTY OF THEIR RESPECTIVE OWNERS. NO REGRETS. NO CAGES. 


AFTER HOURS REVIEWS 


DVD of the Month 
True Blood: The Complete 
Third Season 


Vampires, shape-shifters and werewolves return to “do bad things with you,” 
as the opening song goes, in the third season of the hit HBO show about com- 
ing out of the coffin. This time Sookie (Anna Paquin) takes off for Mississippi to 
rescue Bill (Stephen Moyer) from a powerful vampire king and the werewolves 
that do his bidding. In between all the fang-banging fun there and back home 
in Bon Temps, Louisiana, Sookie discovers it’s no accident that vampires want 
to nibble on her—she is part fairy, and her magical blood is like liquid crack to 
the undead. The seductive Southern decadence of True Blood continues to 
intoxicate with these 12 bloody-good episodes, available on both DVD and Blu- 
ray. Best extras: The BD's interactive viewing mode with vampire histories, 
plus Snoop Dogg's tribute video, “Oh Sookie.” ҰҰҰҰ —Robert B. DeSalvo 


What’s in Your Netflix Queue? 


After getting an Oscar nomination 
for her role in Cape Fear, Juliette 
Lewis continued a fearless career 


Here are the discs , star of 
There Be Dragons, is waiting for in the mail. 
Heavy Metal: “Some of the first nudity for 


these eyes. This is PLAvBov, right?" 
Touch of Evil: "Truly dark and 
haunting, and a great performance 
from Orson Welles." 

Fantastic Mr. Fox: "So cussing hi- 
larious I cussed my pants right in 
the middle of the godcuss theater!" 
The Misfits: "Arthur Miller honored 
the icons and misfits of his time." 


path filled with unforgettable char- 
acters such as those in Kalifornia, 
From Dusk Till Dawn and Natural 
Born Killers. In the sci-fi thriller 
Strange Days (pictured), Lewis lets 
it all hang out as Ralph Fiennes's 
lethal ex-girlfriend. Lewis is also 
smokin’ as a pot dealer in Due Date, 
available now on DVD and Blu-ray. 


By Rob Tannenbaum : * 


“І don't like the term retro," Raphael Saadiq 
says with a gentle hint of annoyance. At 18 
he was touring with Prince and later led two 
fine R&B groups, Tony! Toni! Toné! and Lucy 
Pearl, before earning five Grammy nomina- 
tions in a solo career that includes his new 
album, Stone Rollin'. For this his sound has 
been labeled retro, neo soul and revivalist, 
each a dismissive term. For Ray (as his 
friends call him), it's simple: He grew up іп 
Oakland, "definitely a funky town" and close 
to the home of Sly & the Family Stone and 
Santana—and he's continuing the tradition 
of the music that surrounded him. 

But maybe it's not that simple. Saadiq is 
a Beatles fanatic who surfs, skateboards 
around North Hollywood, rides a motorcy- 


Е 


Raphael’s Fave Five 


cle, grew up in a barrio with 13 brothers 
and sisters and cites actor Sidney Poitier 
as his stylish role model. He built his repu- 
tation by rejecting the trends that dominate 
and steer black music. For inspiration he 
often considers the steadfastness of such 
white rockers as Neil Young. "I'm going 
against the grain. Look at country 
singers—they don't change. When hip-hop 
got big, they didn't start rapping," he says, 
laughing. "It's the only genre that doesn't 
change, and I love that." 


picks key songs from his 
career: 
Tony! Toni! Toné!, “Тһе Blues" 
(1990): "New jack swing was really 
big, and І was making a song that 
basically talks about the blues." 
Tony! Toni! Toné!, “Stilla Man" (1996): 
“Тһе song is on а Tonys record, but 
the Tonys aren't on the song. It's just 
me. We weren't even recording 
together as a band at that point." 
Lucy Pearl, "Dance Tonight" (2000): 


“I started a new group. I was on the 
run to show people І could be suc- 
cessful in a second group." 

“биге Hope You Mean It" (2008): 
“It’s a departure. | was growing into 
something else, letting people see 
my love for Motown." 

“Stone Rollin'" (2011): There's а 
connection from 'The Blues' to my 
new record. There's a reference to 
the blues in everything l've done. 
l've been consistent from day one." 


INTRODUCING 
THE NEW HARLEY-DAVIDSON® 


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PROVOKING 


لے 
AN AMERICAN LEGEND‏ 
NO REGRETS. NO CAGES.‏ 


Í REVIEWS 


Game of the Month 


L.A. Noire 


By Jason Buhrmester 

Rockstar Games is best known as the company be- 
hind the carjacking madness of Grand Theft Auto, but 
this time it puts players on the right side of the law. 
L.A. Noire (360, PS3) follows Cole Phelps (acted and 
voiced by Mad Men's Aaron Staton), a young detec- 
tive in 1940s Los Angeles whose investigations 
weave through Hollywood's golden age and were in- 
spired by such famous cases as the Black Dahlia 
murder. Just don't expect to jump out of your Pack- 
ard with guns blazing. The pacing is slow and method- 
ical, more like a James Ellroy novel than a video 
game. It works thanks to MotionScan, a new process 
that uses 32 high-definition cameras to capture an 
actor's performance in full 3-D. As a result, the faces 
of all 400 actors who appear in the game reveal 
everything from shifty eyes to flared nostrils, details 
you'll need to pay attention to as you interrogate sus- 
ресі. It's gripping new territory for gaming. ҰҰҰУ 


In Brink (left, 360, PC, PS3), society on a 
futuristic island city collapses, and rebels 
determined to escape face off against law 
enforcement. It's the most fun team- 
based multiplayer we've played this year. 
Duke Nukem Forever (right, 360, PC, 
Р53), the first game in more than 10 years 
in the 1980s action-movie-parody series, 
finds the buzz-cut musclehead coming out 
of retirement to chug beer, hit on strippers, 
drop bad one-liners and kick alien ass. 


Summer Reads Must-Watch TV 


Author of The Assassination of Jesse James by the 
Coward Robert Ford, Ron Hansen solidifies his reputa- 
tion as a virtuoso of historical fiction in this reimagining 
of the true story of Ruth Snyder and Judd Gray, whose 
infamous case of adultery and murder made them two 
of America's earliest tabloid icons and became the 
basis for the film Double Indemnity. 

is as seductive as any scandal sheet 
but is ultimately a sly and tautly paced meditation on 
appetite, guiding its reader from the proverbial apple 
straight to the electric chair. There is often a thin line 
between paean and parody, and French novelist 
Jean-Patrick Manchette is perhaps best known for 
reinventing noir in the 1970s by tempering its nihilism 
with biting, often uproarious satire of bourgeois com- 
placency and greed. This pitch-perfect first English 
translation of serves up an over-the-top but 
dead-sexy revenge story that toys with conventions 
while its iconic femme knocks off a string of no- 
account men and looks killer doing it. Also engaged іп 
the subverting of familiar tropes is In this 
impressive debut, Scott Sparling lends contemporary 
grunge to the genre as he embraces its trademark ob- 
sessions with sex, cash and dead ends. His all-too- 
human cast of contemporary boxcar drifters, glue sniff- 
ers and thugs is drawn in an impressionistic style that 
makes for stunning emotional depth. —Anthony Vargas 


Already home to cult comedy hits Louie and 
Archer, FX rolls the dice on what may be the 
weirdest comedy ever to hit American TV. It 
features Elijah Wood as Ryan, a sad-sack 
lawyer who can't even succeed in killing 
himself. Enter Wilfred, a talking, bong- 
smoking badass dog, played by Australian 
actor Jason Gann in a canine 
costume. He teaches Ryan 

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WorldMags 


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BY 


car for shapely nylon-clad legs to examine. 
It was either that or read the latest issue of 
The Economist, or both. On this day there were 
no shapely nylon-clad legs visible to my tired 
eyes, and Га already discarded my latest issue 
of The Economist. | looked down, and there it 
was on the dirty floor of that dirty subway car. 
The end of the world. 
THE END ОҒ THE 
WORLD IS ALMOST 
HERE! 
HOLY GOD 
WILL BRING 
JUDGMENT DAY ON 
MAY 21, 2011. 

picked up the sheet of paper. There was a 
shoe print on it and some grime | shook off. 1 
began to read: 

"Judgment Day is feared by the 
world and is the day God will destroy 
the world because of the sins of man- 
kind. The world is correct in believing 
that Judgment Day will come. The Bible 
gives us the correct and accurate infor- 
mation about that day...." 

The apocalypse. The last reckoning. /ra deo- 
rum. Endsville. The revelation of it had come to 
Saint John from on high. The prophecy bestowed 
on me came from on low. Why hadn't they let me 
know sooner, before | paid my taxes? Ah, but mys- 
terious are the ways of God and subway dreck. 

It was not the first | had heard about the 
coming end. In fact, it went back to the usual 
millennial shuck and jive. The British historian 
Norman Cohn wrote The Pursuit of the Millen- 
nium, a good book about the antecedents of 
this 1,000-year itch. You should read it if there 
aren't any nearby legs to ogle. 

But it was not until the events of 2001 that our 
culture's particular apocalyptic madness began 
to set in. It was the spring of the following year I 
began doing a series of interviews to promote the 
publication of my novel /n the Hand of Dante. 
One of the first to interview me had really done 
her homework. She quoted something from my 
first novel, Cut Numbers, which had appeared 
back in 1988. She read my description of the 
World Trade Center as "immense gray tombstone 


I was on the subway. As usual | scanned the 


towers” and, a few pages later, as “the tower- 
ing tombstones.” She asked me, “How did you 
know?" | said that it was merely a feeling | had. 
| did not say that the feeling was based on my 
memory of the construction of those buildings, 
which struck me as so shoddy that | believed 
they would one day come tumbling down of their 
own accord. She looked at me as if she were in 
the presence of a Nostradamus from Newark, a 
seer, Nick the Foreteller. Little did she know how 
much | was losing at the track. 

Within a few years the bottom fell out of the 
economy, the United States became a subsid- 
iary chattel state of China and the thunder in the 
wind from the Mideast threatened to bring down 
storms of destruction and even interfere with 
our cable reception. We could speak of Sunnis 
and Shiites as we had once spoken of blondes 
and brunettes. Then there was no economy, just 
an endless shifting of immense imaginary inte- 
gers among computers, the endless printing of 
unrevealed reams of scrip and the meaningless 
rigged figures of rigged economic reports. Then 
the storm clouds from the Mideast grew more 
ominous and plentiful. The scent and feel of the 
end was in the air. The Western world was indeed 
a dying place, duller than a one-pack canasta 
game played for matchsticks, and its subjects, 
deprived of income and ambition, were increas- 
ingly in the mood for a good cataclysm. 

Many turned to the sort of prophecies that 
are gleaned from the History Channel and other 
discarded subway scriptures to lend weight and 
credibility to presentiments of the approaching 
end. The French physician Nostradamus, whose 
book of prophecies was published in 1555, 
enjoyed a resurgence as he seemed to predict that 
the year 2012 would bring a comet that would 
leave consuming fire and anarchy in its wake. 

Then there was the ancient Mayan calendar, 
which seemed not to extend beyond the winter 
solstice of 2012. So, between Nostradamus and 
the Mayans, there it was: December 21, 2012. 
In the bars and lesser universities of society, the 
belief that next year will be our last has become 
almost as widespread as the doubting awareness 
of this belief. 

The trouble is, we have become such dullards 
that the omega to the alpha of the big bang may 
turn out to be the big yawn. | saw the movie 2012, 


WorldMags 


figuring the end of the world should at least make 
for middling meatball entertainment, no? No. It 
was Lassie Come Home with special effects. 

Nostradamus, who could not predict the year 
of his own death, enjoyed the game of proph- 
ecy more than the gift of prophecy. He almost 
never used specific dates, and he does not 
assign the year 2012 to his big comet. Further- 
more, his predictions extend to years far beyond 
that comet, which we, not he, have relegated to 
2012. As for the Mayan calendar, it does not 
end with the winter solstice of 2012 but merely 
enters into a new astronomical eon. 

The natural disasters we seem to be witness- 
ing with greater frequency don't seem disastrous 
enough to bring about the end of anything, 
except perhaps the illusion that there really is 
a world economy. Not that this doesn't offer a 
small frisson of enjoyment. 

My money and my hope, which is more plen- 
tiful, are on the flash points igniting in the 
Mideast. | am bored, and | have had enough of 
this oppressive, mindless, stifling, post-Orwellian 
descent into nothingness. So bring it on! To 
earthquakes! To floods! To terrorism! To the last 
game left in this one-horse universe—the end! 

May the Homeland Security agents, whatever 
it is they actually do apart from collecting pay- 
checks, move at last to action, donning clown 
suits and fashioning balloon animals for the big 
party to come. 

And let us not be spoilsports toward our 
destroyers. We were always told that nothing 
was nobler than to die for one's faith—the early 
church was built on the glorification of martyr 
saints—or that, as Horace said and has been 
endlessly parroted since, "It is sweet and fit- 
ting to die for one's country." Well, by our own 
standards, we should be praising these suicidal 
suckers who practice what we preach. 

І don't know what the morning line is, but 
Libya looks good. Muammar el-Qaddafi, by far 
the most interesting politician alive today, given 
the practical definition of a politician being a 
simulacrum of a human being who does noth- 
ing more than lie. His lies, like his wardrobe and 
his hair, are nonpareil. Is he mad? Who's to say? 
Does he have nuclear weapons? | hope so. 

Enough already. Let's get this show on the 
road. 


33 


34 


MY LIFE AS A 
SUGAR MAMA 


by Lisa Lampanelli 


he first time | slipped money into Jimmy's 
wallet was two months after we met. 
Now, | am what guys in the mob refer to 
as an "earner." | love making money like 
Charlie Sheen loves his porn stars. And | have 
enough that | can order, say, a snowblower on 
a moment's notice without sweating it but not 
enough that | can buy ludicrous things like the 
New York Mets. Or an island. 

Jimmy, on the other hand, is what the Mafia 
calls an "enforcer." He's the muscle—that 
is, the guy who makes me feel protected. So 
it was perfect. | had the money, he had the 
strength, and together we were invincible. 
Until Jimmy told me about his kryptonite. 

One night he confessed that he wanted to 
pay for more things when we went out but 
was finding it difficult. Instantly, І felt guilty. 
| realized that, without thinking, | had been 
dragging him to restaurants with names only 


ILLUSTRATION BY RYAN HESHKA 


gay guys and the French could pronounce, 
and І was draining him in the process. One 
day І decided to slip $80 in 20s into his wal- 
let when he was in the shower. When he didn't 
notice, | kept doing it. He paid for more din- 
ners, and we were both happy. 

Nowadays, it's become common for men 
to date women who make more money than 
they do. | knew Jimmy and І had made it 
work, but why couldn't more couples? How 
could the woman still feel like the woman, 
and how could the guy keep his penis and 
his dignity intact? 

The answer, like a good threesome, depends 
on the people involved. If you're a man who's 
secure in what he brings to the table other than 
money, and your woman isn't a gold-digging 
whore—no offense, Heather Mills—then it's a 
match. If not, the answer to this question, like 
Paris Hilton, is simple and sad—no! 

Say, for instance, you're seeing a woman 
who feels a man needs to prove himself by 
taking her out on fancy dates. Well, Below- 
Average Joe, you ain't for her. The general rule 
of thumb: Women who wouldn't be caught 
dead riding a subway definitely do not want to 
eat at Subway. And trust me, they don't con- 
sider the words supersize it an aphrodisiac. 

If, on the other hand, you're with a woman 
who judges a person's worth by something other 
than his stock portfolio and has a Chelsea Clin- 
ton-size bank account of her own, she's the 
perfect catch. First of all, dating a rich chick is 


a way to get payback for all those dinners, chick 
flicks and pregnancy tests you had to pay for in 
previous relationships. Enjoy it. Just be happy 
you're eating steak and lobster at a posh restau- 
rant and not a Hot Pocket and can of tuna on 
your filthy futon. Having a girlfriend with dough 
is like winning the Powerball without having to 
stand in line with foreigners to buy the tickets. 

One warning, however: If you meet Ms. Mon- 
eybags, make sure you like her for her and not 
for the financial perks. That is, if you're dating 
Precious, you better think she's precious. And 
by no means should you move in with her right 
away. This type of situation, like a hot tub with 
insurance salesmen, is not something you should 
jump right into. Move in only after you're both 
sure the relationship is solid, and when you do 
move in, always maintain your own secret slush 
fund for Vegas, golf, lap dances, happy endings 
and anything else she won't see the need for. 

"Hey, Lisa, don't women get turned on by 
money and power?" you ask. | mean, how else 
do you explain that Lil Wayne and Donald 
Trump both have three baby mamas? To that 
| say, sure, women do get turned on by money, 
but there are other ways to amp her up. 

This doesn't mean you should surrender 
your masculinity and start making her home- 
made string bracelets or hand-drawn romantic 
cards. These gifts will give her something to 
laugh about with the blowhards on her next 
business trip, and you don't want that. 

My advice is to work extra hard at being 
desirable and charming. This doesn't mean 
offering to let her take over the controls dur- 
ing your Call of Duty marathon while you take 
a dump; she's already worked hard enough. 
In my own case, as long as Jimmy whispered 
a few sweet nothings and then screwed me 
harder than NBC screwed Conan, | could over- 
look his financial flaws. 

Also, Jimmy made an effort to get in better 
shape and dress well. That made it obvious he 
was earning his keep even if it wasn't strictly 
in the financial department. Guys, buy a shirt 
once in a while. Even if your woman thinks 
she's dating a bum, she doesn't need to be 
reminded of it. 

Most of all, Jimmy was always a gentleman. 
Every now and then, at just the right times, 
he picked up the tab himself. Nothing breaks 
the mood at the end of a romantic dinner like 
a man handing you the bill and saying, "That 
check ain't going to pay for itself, sweetie." 

Jimmy also brought to the table everything 
| didn't want to. See, as a self-centered ego- 
maniacal performer with alternating bouts of 
insecurity and delusions of grandeur, I’m not 
great at putting other people first. | had the 
means to pay for things, but Jimmy still “sup- 
ported” me by paying attention, listening and 
remaining unthreatened by my success. 

Simply put, don’t overthink it and ruin 
the great times. To quote the great Marsellus 
Wallace, "That's pride fucking with you. Fuck 
pride.” Pride—that's the problem. Men lose 
their sanity when their pride is wounded. It’s 
the reason countries wage wars and the reason 
a million men have bought ExtenZe. 

Take this from someone who knows. Making 
less money than your girl doesn’t make you less 
of a man. Antiquing, owning cats and watching 
the Bravo network make you less of a man. 

Now if you’ll excuse me, | gotta go. It’s time 
for me to give my husband his allowance with- 
out him knowing it, because I'm starving! 


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Mercedes celebrates 125 years—at 186 mph 


"Hello, officer," we said to a stern-Looking California highway patrol- 
man as we sat in the leathery cockpit of Mercedes-Benz’s new 
CLS63 AMG. "A lovely day for a test-drive, no?" He looked over the 
ride and inquired, “How much?" We confessed to a starting price 
of $97,500. "How fast?" he came back. "It can nudge 190 miles an 
hour.” He offered a “whoa” and shook his head. "Take it easy,’ he 
spat and headed to his patrol car without whipping out his pen. Yes, 
this sedan is a curiosity. It’s as close as you can get to an MB racing 
car with four doors and four seats. The car is meant to celebrate the 
hallowed German company's 125th anniversary, an embodiment of 


Walking 
on Water 


Water shoes gener- 
ally fall somewhere 
between Crocs and man- 
dals on the style spectrum. 
Adidas's new line of aquatic 
footwear (from 565, adidas.com), 


ш * however, borrows its aesthetic from the shoe- 

* : 2 = 
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x from the laboratory—i.e., it offers quick-drying 


capabilities and a specialized drainage system 
to ensure you never get cold feet. 


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all the style, power and technology MB has mastered over the years. 
As put by Michael Kunz, head of the company’s Classic Car Center 
in Irvine, California, “It offers extreme performance, yet it’s fully driv- 
able as a normal car. It can compete with exotics, but it can carry four 
people.” After burning around highways outside San Diego, we had 
to agree—thus our meeting with the statie. Hand-built by MB's AMG 
performance wing, this beauty matches 516 foot-pounds of torque 
with serious braking power and endless amounts of computer wiz- 
ardry. Your Mercedes dealer will have a CLS63 AMG available this 
summer, but we bet it won't be there for Long. 


What can't the iPhone do? 
Only two things, as far as we 
can tell—feed the hungry and 
take quality close-up photos. 
While an app that will end 
world hunger is probably forth- 
coming, the iPhone Telephoto 
Lens ($35, photojojo.com) can 
magnify the curves of your comely 
subject without pixelating them Like a 
secondhand Super 8. ° 37 


s MANT RACK 


Not bound to land 
or your entertain- 
ment center, the 
OnLive game sys- 
tem and service 
(onlive.com) exists — 
primarily in the Ж Last Played 
sky. The 50 or so š 
games available = 

in the OnLive 
catalog (Assas- 
sin’s Creed: 
Brotherhood 
and МВА 2K11 
among them) 
are streamed digitally 
to your television, tablet 
and smartphone—no 
bulky console and cartridges 
necessary. Game rentals start at 
$3, while outright purchases run 
as muchas $50. 


‚Showcase 


= 


Your neighbors can’t stop drinking your home- 
brewed IPA—or telling their friends about it. So, 
while you’re not ready to quit your day job, you 
would like to see your tap handle at the corner 
pub. The next step: a nanobrewery, a boutique 
operation not quite the size of a microbrewery 
but big enough that you'll need the blessing of 


Brag Clips 


Friends 


©) Сома à Select y Messages 


TIN am 


How to Start a Nanobrewery 


city, state and federal regulators to craft your 
barley pops and avoid a stint in the clink. The 
Alcohol and Tobacco Tax and Trade Bureau web- 
site (ttb.gov) provides a detailed rundown of the 
paperwork you'll need to complete and where 
you're legally allowed to set up shop—rented 
storage lockers are fine; basements and bathtubs 


says Holmes. 
Portillo, HAN 
ight att 


vis 


1 call 3 
en jountain is Д ` 


SUN : SNOW :: THIRST 


Evening 
Shades 


Forever timeless, a solid pair of aviators— 
e.g., Porsche Design's P'8478 sunglasses 
($500, porsche-design.com)—will never 
do you wrong. They are, in fact, perfect 
for any warm-weather occasion, whether 
it demands a jacket and tie or boardshorts 
and a T-shirt. And don't be blinded by 
sticker shock. The titanium P’8478s, which 
come complete with two sets of unbreak- 


able lenses, will Long outlast 
their plastic competition. í` 


are off-limits. The requisite professional-grade 
equipment from Sabco Brew-Magic costs around 
$6,000 (brew-magic.com; you can also find kegs 
there for $30). Self-distribution is key since find- 
ing someone to take on such a small account is 
nigh impossible. At least now you’ll have an 
excuse for all that late-night barhopping. 


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| naa my first date three years 
ago, at the age of 21, and have 
since had four girlfriends. The 
longest relationship lasted three 
and a half months. My sexual 
experience consists of three dry 
humps, four hand jobs and two 
blow jobs. I also gave oral sex to 
a girl once. I'm busy with work 
and school, so I'm not looking 
to meet women. But I am con- 
cerned because I am unable to 
stop masturbating. The more I 
try to stop, the more difficult it 
is. Today I went to a parlor for 
an erotic body scrub and didn't 
stop the woman from giving me 
a hand job. I also didn't say no 
to a blow job. I asked the woman 
if she offered that to everyone, 
and she said no, which made 
me feel a little better, though 
I think she was lying, which 
makes me feel worse because I 
never wanted to pay for sex. I 
feel I should have more control 
over my base desires. Is there 
a way to stop this and redeem 
myself? K. S., El Paso, Texas 
You sound normal to us and in 
no need of redemption. Instead, it 
seems as though you're suffering 
from augustinism, a paralyzing but 
curable mental condition named 
(by us) after Saint Augustine. In 
his Confessions, written 1,600 
years ago, the bishop of Hippo said 
he would pray, "Grant me chas- 


PLAYBOY 
ADVISOR 


" 
tity and continency, but not yet.” Б» 

That's because Augustine feared ab. x ) 4 

God might actually answer his = 


prayer and deliver him from “the 
disease of concupiscence, which 
I desired to have satisfied rather 
than extinguished.” Yet pursuing 
either state—asexuality via satia- 
tion or repression—leads to mad- 
ness; in a match of wills, the libido 
always wins. So enjoy yourself. 
You’re fixated on the inventory of 
your experiences, but sex is more 
than the sum of its parts. Also, find 
a new girlfriend. 


І was on a date at a Japanese 
restaurant and ordered a bottle 
of chilled sake. We ended up 
leaving the half-full bottle at the 
table. Would it have been bad 
form to take it with us? D. G., Sacra- 
mento, California 

No. Every state allows diners to take 
opened bottles of wine and sake with them 
as long as the bottle is recorked and, in 25 
states (not including California), sealed 
inside a tamper-proof bag. The cork and/ 
or bag prevents the bottle from being con- 
sidered an "open container," which can get 
you in trouble. If you transport the bottle in 
a vehicle, a number of states (including Cali- 
fornia) require it to be placed in the trunk. 
Bob Beck, who sells wine bags to restaurants 


y girlfriend is so sexy other women approach me 
and tell me how hot she is. How do I, as her faithful 
boyfriend of six years, get her to see herself that way? 
She has a freaky side in bed, but I can't convince her 
she's a knockout.—A.N., Laramie, Wyoming 

You should keep telling her she's hot, but don't be surprised if 
she never takes it to heart—a woman expects to be complimented 
by her boyfriend or husband. It's part of the gig. Guys don't have 
this mind-set—we'll let any praise go to our head immediately. 
A shout-out from a stranger carries more weight, but women are 
cautious there too because comments on their beauty or form are 
nearly always designed to get them naked. But another woman 
telling her how good she looks? That's gold. When women 
approach you to say your girlfriend is hot, reply, “I tell her 
that,” and ask if they'd let her know directly. They'll under- 
stand. If enough women do it, your girlfriend may believe. 


and consumers (800-401-9014 or winedoggy 
bag.com), says some Japanese restaurants 
allow diners to seal their sake in a bag, sign 
their name to it and store it in the restaurants 
cooler until their next visit. We're not sure 
what sake you ordered, but the wine critic 
W. Blake Gray (wblakegray.blogspot.com), 
who lived for nearly a decade in Japan, notes 
that the selection at restaurants in the U.S. 
is typically small and the markups tremen- 
dous. He suggests sticking with Japanese- 
made sakes, which he believes are superior 
and also because it’s the least one can do to 


help the recovery there. Because of 
the markup, don't spend more than 
$60 on a bottle when dining out. 
For the uninitiated, junmai ginjo is 
the most wine-like sake, and nigori 
is the equivalent of white zinfandel. 
"There's nothing wrong with white 
zin," Gray explains, "but if you’ve 
moved past it in your wine drink- 
ing, it’s time to move past it with 
sake.” Dewazakura Dewasansan 
is Gray’s go-to brand. If you take 
your sake home, you can expect it to 
remain fresh for three or four days 
and palatable for two weehs. 


My girlfriend and I are both 18 
and have been dating for two 
years. She told me she is a virgin 
and not ready for sex. I respect 
her decision but found out 
something that is bothering me: 
The other day I saw her having 
sex with my sister, who I know 
is a lesbian. Does my girlfriend 
not want to have sex with me 
because she’s also a lesbian? If 
she’s a lesbian, why does she like 
to kiss me and see me naked? 
What should I do?—G.J., Los 
Angeles, California 

This suchs because, unlike most 
guys who catch their girlfriend with 
another woman, you can't comfort 
yourself by imagining the threesome. 
All you have here is a relative stealing 
your girlfriend. She may have strong 
feelings for both of you but not view 
intimate encounters with another 
woman as sex. That doesn't excuse her 
betrayal, but you’re both young, and it 
may be time to explore other options. 
Before you make that decision, you 
need more information, and your girl- 
friend is the person to provide it. 


ERIC FORTUNE 


Му wife and I are fortunate 
enough to have been accepted 
into a well-run swingers' group 
that limits membership to 
20 couples. One woman has 
selected me to be her partner 
on two occasions. She has so 
much control over her body that 
I refer to her as having an edu- 
cated pussy. After the first two 
or three thrusts she puts such 
a viselike grip on my erection 
that I can't move. She gradually 
releases her grip and allows me to retract 
slowly. When I'm ready for the next 
thrust she is wide open to receive me 
and repeat the process. It doesn't take 
either one of us long to climax. How can 
I get my wife to have that kind of muscle 
control?—B.]., Brockton, Massachusetts 

By all means, introduce them. The secret to 
an educated pussy is Kegel exercises. They are 
named for Dr. Arnold Kegel, a gynecologist 
at the University of Southern California who 
in 1948 described how women could correct 
"genital relaxation" brought on by childbirth 


4l 


PLAYBOY 


42 


or aging by strengthening the pubococcygeus 
muscles of the pelvic floor. Kegels are simple: 
Squeeze as you would to stop the flow of urine. 
Do reps of 10 whenever you have a chance— 
at a stoplight, in a meeting, while reading the 
Advisor. (We'd be honored.) Men can also ben- 
efit from Kegels because a strong PC muscle 
allows for harder erections and more stamina. 


І bought a dozen penny stocks. They all 
turned out to be valued at a few cents or 
less. Is this a scam? I get mailings about 
penny stocks at least 10 times a month 
now.—W.F., Baraboo, Wisconsin 

Of course you do. Penny stocks aren't 
a scam, but scammers love them. Sold on 
exchanges such as the OTC Bulletin Board 
(otcbb.com), they cost less than $5 per share 
because they're risky. A penny-stock company 
may have no assets, no earnings, no prod- 
ucts, no contracts, huge debt and poor man- 
agement. But you'll never know much about 
these firms because most don't file reports with 
the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commis- 
sion and are rarely followed by analysts. The 
shares are sold in such small quantities the 
price is easy for con artists to manipulate. 
Penny stocks rarely become dollar stochs, so 
they're not investments to build a portfolio 
around. Most investors would probably do 
better, or no worse, putting their money into 
baseball cards and comic books. 


І keep having a dream about having 
sex with my mom. I know it's messed 
up, but in the fantasy it's never my 
actual mother—always a different older 
woman playing the role of my mother. I 
always say "This is a bad idea" but end 
up going through with it. Is this nor- 
mal, or am I taking the MILF trend too 
far? M. R., Toledo, Ohio 

We received a similar letter once from Ed in 
Thebes. His situation took a bad turn. We're 
less concerned about you. Like many men, 
уои are attracted to “mature” women. The 
most influential of these is your mother, so she 
jumps to mind. Like many men, you are also 
turned on by taboo. So your brain blends this 
mix. One could interpret your mother's physi- 
cal absence as a sign of your mental health. 


One morning I couldn’t find my razor. 
I pulled aside the shower curtain and 
discovered my wife using it to shave her 
pussy. I told her I would be using a new 
razor for my face after seeing that. She said 
I was overreacting because she had done 
it before and I hadn't noticed. Am I odd 
for not wanting to share a razor? — K. R., 
Jacksonville, Florida 

Not at all, though wouldn't it be fun to be 
that razor? Your wife will get a better shave 
from products such as the Body Bare or the 
Seiko S-Yard Cleancut (both available from 
2sensualproducts.com). Surprise her. 


In March you advised a reader whose 
wife tested positive for human papilloma- 
virus to get himself tested. After one of 
my ex-girlfriends told me she had HPV, 
Iinvestigated and was told men can't get 


tested. Have I been given bad informa- 
tion, or do you know something no one 
else does?—G.A., Gary, Indiana 

We got that wrong, and we'll take full 
responsibility until we can find someone else to 
blame. Men can be tested, but it’s done only for 
medical research. In fact, a newly released study 
suggests that 50 percent of men have HPV at 
any one time. Although most types of the virus 
don't cause health problems, about six percent 
of men are infected each year with HPV-16, 
which is linked to cancers of the cervix and 
oral cavity. Also notable: Researchers found the 
median time required for a man's body to clear 
an HPV-16 infection is 12 months, whereas for 
all HPV infections combined the median time 
is seven and a half months. Cervical cancer 
stands out because it's relatively simple to pre- 
vent. Routine screening in developed countries 
for HPV-16 and other high-risk strains has 
reduced cervical cancer by 75 percent over the 
past five decades. But in developing countries 
it remains the second most common cause of 
cancer death, with about 370,000 new cases 
annually and a 50 percent mortality rate. 


Which is the best Vegas strip club to take 
your wife?—R.L., Omaha, Nebraska 

Little Darlings has the best dancers and by 
far the best stage show, says Arnold Snyder, 
who reviews every club in his guide Sin City 
Advisor's Topless Vegas (sincityadvisor.com). 
There is no lap dancing on the main floor 
at Little Darlings, so your wife won't find 
herself sitting next to a guy with a naked lady 
squirming on his erection. Because it's a nude 
club, Little Darlings doesn't serve alcohol; if 
you or your wife needs liquid courage you'll 
have to take care of that before you arrive. Of 
the topless clubs that do serve booze, Snyder 
says he sees the most women in the audience 
at Crazy Horse ІП, the Hustler Erotic Ultra 
Club and the Déjà Vu Erotic Ultra Lounge. 
Crazy Horse III and Déjà Vu are connected to 
traditional nightclubs in the event your wife 
wants to take a quick step back into the land 
of the more modestly adorned. 


The Modesto Bee reported in March ona 
pastor battling his “addiction” to porn. 
When is looking at porn considered an 
addiction?—].M., San Jose, California 
You can't become addicted to porn. For start- 
ers, there are no withdrawal symptoms when 
you stop watching. You also can't develop a 
tolerance for porn—or good porn, anyway— 
another sign of an addiction. We will con- 
cede that spending hours bug-eyed in front 
of a screen with one hand on your nob may 
complicate your life. But a study last year by 
psychologists at Utah State illustrates the dif- 
ficulty of labeling this a pathology. It involved 
six male volunteers who felt they had what the 
researchers describe as "problematic internet 
pornography viewing." One guy watched at 
work for an hour each day. One downloaded 
nude photos. One guy watched only gay porn 
and wondered if he might be gay. One guy who 
watched three hours a day was on medication 
for obsessive-compulsive disorder. One watched 
for an average of 21 minutes two or three times 
a week and one for about 80 minutes twice a 


week. Which of this bunch is "addicted"? Some 
therapists have proposed that porn viewing 
leads to a neurological dependency that makes 
it hard for men to climax with a partner. That 
sounds a lot like the kooky idea that watch- 
ing people have sex will fill your brain with 
"erototoxins." For people troubled by the time 
they spend watching porn, the Utah psycholo- 
gists claim success with a cognitive therapy 
that teaches men to accept rather than fight 
their desire to view but refocus on something 
more constructive. We have long wondered 
if many men who watch lots of porn are self- 
medicating for undiagnosed depression. A new 
study suggests just that —both men and women 
who consume the most online porn also show 
more symptoms of depression. 


| Just moved here from Atlanta and can’t 
find a good tailor. The best I've come up 
with is a department store that seems to 
confuse seamstress with tailor. Can you 
help?—R.D., Charleston, South Carolina 

If you find yourself in a new city with no 
strings attached, stop the best-dressed man you 
see and ask for the name of his tailor. Visit the 
best hotel in town and ask the concierge whom 
he or she recommends. Or do the same at the 
city's best upscale men's store. Any of these 
options will work especially well in Charles- 
ton, where the gentlemen are still natty. 


Recently I gave up coffee—three large 
double-shot lattes daily—and have noticed 
I don't last as long during sex. Is there a 
connection? M. A., Annapolis, Maryland 

Hard to say. For centuries coffee has 
been associated with the dulling of libido— 
it's said that one of its first uses was to 
enhance prayer. Female petitioners in 1764 
in London rallied against coffee because 
it made their men “unfruitful.” The 19th 
century historian Jules Michelet said coffee 
“replaces sexual arousal with stimulation 
of the intellect,” which isn’t all bad, while 
a 1931 guide claimed it could “extinguish 
carnal desires.” But there is little science to 
confirm this notion. In fact, a 1995 study 
found caffeine made male rats hornier, 
though it had no effect on how quickly they 
ejaculated. Caffeine withdrawal is known 
to cause anxiety, especially if you quit cold 
turkey, and anxiety is associated with loss 
of stamina. We'd let this ride and see if 
you get your groove back after your body 
adjusts to its decaffeinated state. 


All reasonable questions—from fashion, food 
and drink, stereos and sports cars to dating 
dilemmas, taste and etiquette—will be per- 
sonally answered if the writer includes a 
self-addressed, stamped envelope. The most 
interesting, pertinent questions will be pre- 
sented in these pages. Write the Playboy 
Advisor, 680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chi- 
cago, Illinois 60611, or send e-mail by vis- 
iting playboyadvisor.com. The site also has 
links to download our greatest-hits e-book, 
Dear Playboy Advisor, and air times for the 
weekly Advisor Show on Sirius/XM 102. 


VOL. CLVII....No. 30,000 


The Stauer Times 


“It’s About Time" 


News Flash.... 


Government Gets Something Right 


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ҮШ W 


Super Light Titanium Timepiece Loses Only One Second Every 20 Million Years. 


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s LAW RENCE O DONNELL 


A candid conversation with MSNBC's outspoken new host about his right-wing 
competitors, the upside of screaming pundits Laie why Charlie Sheen is newsworthy 


The ongoing battle between cable’s Fox News 
and MSNBC sometimes makes TV’s Ultimate 
Fighter seem tame. MSNBC’s latest weapon 
is Lawrence O’Donnell, one of the gutsiest, 
most fiercely intelligent and entertaining hosts 
on any television network, cable or other- 
wise. So when ratings king Keith Olbermann 
parted company with MSNBC, O’Donnell 
was the natural choice to fill his chair. Each 
weeknight on his show, The Last Word With 
Lawrence O’Donnell, the host, who is so far 
to the left of the political spectrum that he 
has described himself as a socialist, discusses 
the issues of the day—clashes between unions 
and state governments, Afghanistan, Charlie 
Sheen—with a sharp focus on what he calls 
“Republican folly.” He delights in skewering 
conservative media figures and politicians. He 
called Vice President Dick Cheney’s speech on 
counterterrorism policy “sleazy.” He slammed 
Fox News commentator Glenn Beck’s “fake 
biblical literalist piety.” He has criticized Min- 
nesota Republican congresswoman Michele 
Bachmann’s “breathtaking demonstrations 
of ignorance levels previously unimaginable 
in a member of Congress or a graduate of an 
American elementary school” and has called 
Fox’s Bill O’Reilly “a joke” and a liar. 
O’Donnell, who is from Boston, is to 
the political left what O’Reilly and Rush 


“I don't think a single Republican congressman 
believes there’s any issue with Obama’s birth. 
Not one. I don’t think anybody working at Fox 
News thinks that. But the thing people fear most 
with an audience is offending them.” 


Limbaugh are to the right—that is, if either 
were also a Harvard graduate and political 
wonk versed in the minutiae of health care 
policy and tax codes. After college O'Donnell 
worked for half a decade, first as communica- 
tions director and later as senior advisor, for 
Senator Daniel Patrick Moynihan, who once 
said of O'Donnell, Hes maybe the smartest 
man, and he sure as hell is the toughest." In 
addition to his inside-the-Beltway political 
career, O'Donnell, who is 59 and married to 
actress Kathryn Harrold, has written a book, 
worked as writer and producer on the TV 
show The West Wing and acted on that show 
and on Big Love (he had a recurring role). 
On MSNBC, he guest hosted Hardball With 
Chris Matthews, The Ed Show, The Rachel 
Maddow Show and Countdown With Keith 
Olbermann, which led to The Last Word. 
PLAYBOY sent Contributing Editor David 
Sheff, who conducted last month's interview 
with Congressman Barney Frank, to New York 
to talk media and politics with O'Donnell. Sheff 
reports, "O'Donnell is the rare television host 
who talks beyond bullet points about almost 
any issue you can name. Ask him about health 
care, and along with analysis of the Obama 
plan you get a detailed, nuanced history of the 
issue as it has evolved since the Nixon presi- 
dency. O'Donnell seemed sincere when he said 


“If you compromise and compromise, then what 
do you stand for? Nothing. Mario Cuomo was 
willing to lose his governorship over something 
not a single Democrat would ever risk an elec- 
lion over again: the death penalty." 


he prefers serious debate to the kind of shouting 
matches many cable news hosts are famous for, 
but that didn't stop him from ripping into for- 
mer House Speaker Newt Gingrich, who that 
day gave an interview in which he blamed his 
marital infidelities оп his passion for Amer- 
ica. O'Donnell, on a tear, said it had less to 
do with Gingrich's passion for America than 
it had to do with Viagra." 


PLAYBOY: As a former advisor to a U.S. 
senator, do you ever feel it's unseemly 
to be part of the sparring on cable 
news shows? 

O'DONNELL: It's the nature of these 
shows. In its successful form, prime- 
time cable news is op-ed television, 
which is why CNN usually runs last. 
PLAYBOY: Does contentiousness drive 
ratings? 

O'DONNELL: My highest-rated shows 
were 25 minutes with the vice presi- 
dent, which was not contentious in 
any way, and any 10 minutes I've had 
with Bill Maher, which were not con- 
tentious either. Contentiousness is not 
what drives the ratings. 

PLAYBOY: Yet lots of yelling goes on. 
Bill O'Reilly is famous for interrupting 
guests and sometimes bullying them. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY DAVID ROSE 


"We're all socialists. Гт a socialist because 
I support Social Security and Medicare. 
They're socialistic. Everyone who supports 
these programs is supporting socialism— 
including most Republicans." 


45 


PLAYBOY 


46 


O'DONNELL: I don't think it's required. The 
audience is drawn to someone who gives 
voice to how they feel. It doesn't have to 
involve yelling or bullying. But I do think 
it’s probably satisfying to his audience to 
see O'Reilly beat someone up. 

PLAYBOY: You've attacked O'Reilly, 
recently for his interview with President 
Obama. What was wrong with it? 
O'DONNELL: You have your big Super 
Bowl moment to interview the presi- 
dent and don't ask a single memorable 
question, not one, other than “How 
does it feel to be hated?" And this was 
coming from someone who is hated by 
millions of people. It's a stupid ques- 
tion because it's one you could ask any 
president. They're all hated. In fact, 
Obama is hated in lower numbers than 
most presidents. O'Reilly didn't ask one 
worthwhile policy question. He had an 
interview opportunity with the presi- 
dent, and he completely blew it. 
PLAYBOY: You once said of O'Reilly, “I 
see dozens of guys I grew up with who 
are just like him—overbearing, argu- 
mentative Irish guys." 

O'DONNELL: I can't take Bill seriously. 
He's a character I've known since I was 
a kid. He makes me laugh more than 
anything else, because he's this faux 
character, a character he plays in a series 
called The O'Reilly Factor—the braggado- 
cio Irish guy who plays as if he's smarter 
than you, but in fact he doesn't know 
very much and can't really back up what 
he says. Everybody from my neighbor- 
hood knows that character and thinks 
that character is a joke. You know, the 
tough-guy part of it is the biggest fraud 
of all. Bill's from Long Island. Sorry, 
that's not tough-guy territory. 

PLAYBOY: Is Glenn Beck a newer version 
of O'Reilly? 

O'DONNELL: Beck is one of the great 
showmen of this field. 

PLAYBOY: Some people think he's 
dangerous, potentially inciting view- 
ers to violence. 

O'DONNELL: He doesn't feel dangerous 
to me. It's hard for a man in makeup 
to feel dangerous. 

PLAYBOY: Do you think Beck believes 
the extreme views he espouses, or is 
he pandering to his audience? 
O'DONNELL: The latter. He follows his 
audience. He tells them what they want 
to hear. 

PLAYBOY: So extremism sells? 
O'DONNELL: Well, maybe Beck's extrem- 
ism has to do with a straight decline 
in his audience over the past year. It's 
quite pronounced. His numbers have 
declined. People are theorizing that it 
has to do with his going too far, mak- 
ing no sense and cheering for the wrong 
side—for example, cheering on Muba- 
rak in Egypt. Another thing is that he's 
a doomsday guy. "The world is coming 
to an end" is his thing. You can say that 
for a limited time, and then it had better 
come to an end or people will think it's 


not worth listening to you much longer. 
[Editor's note: Shortly after this interview was 
completed, Beck and Fox News announced 
they were parting ways.] 

PLAYBOY: Does Rush Limbaugh also 
pander? 

O'DONNELL: Yes. He tells his audience 
what they want to hear. Even more than 
that, he plays the character they want 
him to be. Rush did a horrific physi- 
cal imitation of Michael J. Fox, who 
has Parkinson's disease. If we have a 
beloved actor in America, it is Michael 
J. Fox. He's bearing his disease nobly 
and bravely, and you have no option but 
to admire him. Rush decided to attack 
him, though, because Fox is a Democrat. 
Rush did his horrible impression, with 
his arms moving out of control and all 
that. His viewers saw Rush do that and 
didn't think it was funny. There's abso- 
lutely no doubt in my mind that Rush 
Limbaugh deeply regrets what he did, 
but he will never apologize for it, ever, 
because the character Rush Limbaugh 
cannot apologize. That would destroy 
the character, and that's all he is—a 
character, like O'Reilly and the others. 


I can't take Bill O'Reilly 
seriously. He makes me 
laugh more than anything 
else. He plays as if he's 
smarter than you, but in fact 
he doesn't know very much. 


PLAYBOY: Do you worry Limbaugh and 
other right-wing commentators' audiences 
believe them when they encourage rather 
than refute untruths, such as the so-called 
birthers' belief that President Obama 
wasn't born in the United States? 
O'DONNELL: To me it's just stupid. 
PLAYBOY: You angrily attacked poten- 
tial Republican presidential candidate 
Mike Huckabee when he said President 
Obama grew up in Kenya. 
O'DONNELL: I wasn't terribly angry 
about it. I just commented. He said, 
“The one thing I know is that President 
Obama was raised in Kenya." I said, 
"If that's the one thing Mike Huckabee 
knows, he doesn't know anything." 
PLAYBOY: And yet some right-wing pun- 
dits continue to encourage the birthers 
and other Obama conspiracy theorists. 
O'DONNELL: Yes, the number of people in 
America who believe these lies would be 
dramatically lower if the Huckabees and 
Republican congressmen and O’Reillys 
were all sharply and clearly adamant 
and honest. You wouldn't see this alarm- 
ing mushrooming in the number of 
people who think Obama wasn't born 


or raised here or think he's a Muslim. 
'The numbers would be far lower if peo- 
ple treated this the way John McCain 
did during the campaign. He clearly 
said that Obama isn't Muslim and is an 
American. They'd go away if everyone 
treated obvious falsehoods the way Ann 
Coulter does. She's adamant about the 
birthers being crazy. 

PLAYBOY: Do the ones who fuel the flames, 
encouraging the misinformation, do so 
intentionally, manipulating their audi- 
ence, or do they believe the lies? 
O'DONNELL: I don't think a single Repub- 
lican congressman believes there's any 
issue with Obama's birth. Not one. And 
I don't believe Sean Hannity or O'Reilly 
or any of those people ever thought 
there was any issue with Barack Obama's 
birth either. I don't think anybody work- 
ing at Fox News thinks that. But the 
thing people fear most with an audience 
is offending them. When you know a 
significant portion of your audience 
thinks Obama isn't a citizen, you talk 
about it in a different way if you're in 
the audience-preservation business or 
the voter-preservation business. It's 
brave when someone like Ann Coulter 
says the deniers are nuts. She may be 
losing a speaking fee here or there 
because of it, but apparently she's inter- 
ested enough in electing conservatives 
to separate herself from the crazies. 
PLAYBOY: How will that help elect 
conservatives? They're the ones mak- 
ing the assertions. 

O'DONNELL: She knows you need to 
appeal to independents in order to elect 
conservatives and that when you want 
to appeal to independents, you do not 
want to sound crazy. George Will dealt 
with this in his column, talking about 
these increasing "vibrations of weird- 
ness," he called them, coming from 
Republicans and Republican candidates, 
and that week he labeled Huckabee the 
newest and worst offender of them all. 
Will wants conservatives to prevail elec- 
torally, and the crazier they sound, the 
less likely they will. 

PLAYBOY: It sounds as though you don't 
think Huckabee has much chance of 
becoming the 2012 Republican presi- 
dential nominee. 

O'DONNELL: [Shakes head] 

PLAYBOY: How about Sarah Palin? 
O'DONNELL: Palin is the most recent losing 
vice presidential candidate who will never 
be president. In the television age, no los- 
ing vice presidential candidate has ever 
succeeded. Exactly two managed to get 
themselves back on a convention stage: 
Walter Mondale and Bob Dole. They lost. 
Palin knows this, and she has no intention 
of running for anything again in her life. 
She made that absolutely clear the day 
she quit the governorship in Alaska. She's 
doing everything she should do as a mon- 
eymaking operation, which is what she is. 
She will never say she's not running for 
president until — (continued on page 112) 


SURGEON GENERAL WARNING: 
Cigar Smoking Can Cause Lung 
Cancer And Heart Disease. 


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WHEN АМ UNPRECEDENTED S 


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THE DIVE INSTRUCTOR knew he was in 
trouble when the shark began to circle. 
Seeing the bleached edges of its dor- 
sal fin, Hassan Salem realized this was 
an oceanic whitetip, a species with a 
well-documented and disturbing habit. 
Before it moves in for a kill, it swerves 
around its prey in long, slow loops that 
slowly get tighter. 

An oceanic whitetip isn't as visually 
terrifying as a great white, the subject 
of most common shark nightmares. It's 
not as fast as the Galeocerdo cuvier, the 
ferocious tiger shark. But among expe- 
rienced divers, the whitetip is the one 


to look out for, a clever and highly per- 
sistent killer, “the most dangerous of all 
sharks," as Jacques Cousteau wrote. 

Salem peered through the glass-clear 
water as the predator cut circles around 
him. Its inside eye—black and shiny— 
watched him. Тһе diver brought his 
camera up to his face as the whitetip 
swerved and came at him. Breathing 
hard, Salem raised the camera a few 
last inches and jammed it hard into the 
shark's snout while furiously blowing 
bubbles to confuse the animal. The shark 
rolled its head, then dashed off, heading 
straight for two nearby snorkelers. 

Frantically, Salem reached over and 
tapped his air tank with the camera as 
a warning. The snorkelers turned their 
heads sharply, then swam quickly to a 
piece of exposed coral and clambered 
on top. Salem rattled out a breath. He 
spun around, but the whitetip had dis- 
appeared into the depths. Then Salem 
felt something brush past his scalp. The 
terrified diver ducked, but the shark 
shot away from him, straight at a Rus- 
sian swimmer who was looking down at 
the coral, unaware of the whitetip bar- 
reling toward her. 

The diver slammed the camera against 
the metal. The sound pinged through the 
water. But the woman didn’t look up. 


THE ATTACK Hassan Salem witnessed was 
the second that day in late November 


2010 at the Egyptian Red 
Sea resort of Sharm el- 
Sheikh. The next day, two 
more attacks occurred, 
and four days later there 
was a final, fatal attack on 
a German woman. Taken 
together, the string of inci- 
dents were unprecedented 
in their violence and bizarre 
circumstances. The outbreak 
caused havoc, closed beaches 
and temporarily crippled 
the linchpin of Egypt’s 
multibillion-dollar beach 
tourism industry, send- 
ing economic shock waves 
through an already volatile 
Middle East nation. 

Five days after the fatal 
attack a Lufthansa jet was 
cruising 30,000 feet over the 
Atlantic as passenger George 
Burgess put aside his drink, 
pulled out his laptop and 
began looking at the images 
of the victims. He studied 
the pictures, zooming in on 
the torn flesh and shorn- 
away limbs. He turned the 
laptop away from the aisle 
so passengers on the way 
back from the bathroom 
couldn't get a glimpse. 

To anyone else, the richly 
saturated color photos sent 
hours before from Egypt 
would have proved hideous. 
But to Burgess—director 
of the Florida Program for 
Shark Research at the University of Flor- 
ida Museum of Natural History and the 
most respected attack investigator in the 
world—they were the first pieces of evi- 
dence in a singular case the Egyptians 
were counting on him to solve, right up 
to then president Hosni Mubarak, who 
was at that moment facing the first wave 
of unrest that would eventually cost him 
his dictatorship two months later. 

Judging by the extent of the German 
victim’s injuries, she had died of exsan- 
guination, “bleeding out” into Sharm 
el-Sheikh’s bath-warm water. Look- 
ing at the wounds, Burgess knew she 
hadn't stood a chance. If there had been 
a trauma surgeon sitting next to her in 
the water, he thought, he wouldn’t have 
been able to save her. 

The marine biologist was baffled. 
The pictures told him two species were 


> Clockwise from bottom left: Frantic over 
attacks at Sharm el-Sheikh on the Red Sea (ріс- 
tured), the Egyptian government pointed fingers 
at Israel's Mossad. Was this mako, caught off- 
share, the culprit? The University of Florida's 
Beorge Burgess flew in to solve the case. 


WorldMags 


RAS NASRAN 


3,4 


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Saudi 


SHARKS BAY [iran 


Arabia 


NAAMA BAY 


5 


SHARK WEEK 


AT DMEERENE OF THE SHARM EL-SHEIKH ATTACKS 


SHARKS BAY, NOVEMBER 30 D Around two p. M., Olga Martsinko is 
swimming with her daughter when a shark strikes. After being savagely 
attacked, she swims toward a nearby jetty, pursued by the predator. Res- 
cuers haul her from the water. Two hours later, a shark stalks Lyudmila 
Stolyarova. Biting off her wrist, the shark follows her as she swims toward 
shore, tearing off her foot before she is pulled onto the beach. 


RAS NASRANI, DECEMBER I B Near a floating pontoon, Yevgeny 
Trishkin is attacked, losing his left arm below the elbow and severely injur- 


ing his right hand. That same afternoon, Viktor Koliy is swimming with 
his family when a shark mauls his right leg. Koliy slams the animal on the 
head and strikes out for shore. 


NAAMA BAY, DECEMBER ў © А German tourist suddenly screams 


involved. Two different kinds of teeth 
were clearly evident—sharp thin ones 
like a mako's, which “cut people to rib- 
bons,” and the sheared-off marks ofthe 
triangular-toothed Carcharhinus fam- 
ily, which includes the oceanic whitetip. 
This type of shark grips the flesh of its 
prey, anchoring its serrated teeth down 
to the bone, and then whips its head 
back and forth, literally sawing its vic- 
tim apart. Two different shark species, 
five victims and six days—that doesn’t 
happen. The only recorded instance of 
the same shark making multiple attacks 
on humans was the 1916 Matawan 
incidents—the true story on which Jaws 
is based— when a seemingly deranged 
great white (or possibly bull) shark had 
gone on a killing spree. 

"I knew immediately," Burgess says, 
"Sharm el-Sheikh was the most unusual 
attack scenario ever recorded." 

One other thing was immediately 
clear to Burgess: The killers were both 
big. An average-size blacktip shark, 
for example, could gnaw at a human 
all day without detaching a limb. But 
here the sharks had taken arms and 
legs with a single bite. Eyewitnesses 
stressed the fury of the attacks. A Brit- 
ish tourist who'd been only feet away 


as a shark hits, churning the water red. A lifeguard pulls her onto a piece 


of exposed coral reef, but she dies within minutes. 


EVER 
RECORDED." 
Be 


from the German victim described a 
shark that seemed enraged. “Тһе water 
was churning like I was in a washing 
machine," he told reporters. 

'The main suspect in the attacks— 
the strangely beautiful blunt-bodied 
whitetip—had shadowed Burgess his 
entire career. It had been the dominant 
predator in the infamous 1945 attacks 
оп the men of the USS Indianapolis, 
which Burgess had studied obsessively, 
even interviewing the survivors decades 
later. And it had been the culprit in a 
terrifying attack described in Jacques 
Cousteau's The Silent World, the book 
that had caused Burgess to become 
infatuated with sharks as a boy. 

Тһе son of an Air Force officer, 
Burgess had grown up a water geek, 


collecting specimens—pointy-beaked 
squid, barracuda, gnarly-looking freaks 
of the depths—and toting them home, 
where they'd sat in murky-watered jars 
that ringed his room, which began to 
smell like a swamp at low tide. The 
boy had practically worshipped at the 
feet of one local hero, the great Frank 
Mundus. Crusty and self-aggrandizing, 
Mundus was the model for the shark 
hunter Quint in Jaws. ^I would sidle up 
to him on the docks when he came in," 
says Burgess. ^He was too crotchety to 
be much of a role model, but just watch- 
ing him was enough." 

Now 60, Burgess had become a vet- 
eran of shark-attack investigations, and 
he'd need every bit of his experience to 
solve the Sharm el-Sheikh incidents. 


off the plane 
at Cairo International, Burgess realized 
how eager the Egyptians were to solve 
the case. "There was this entire entou- 
rage waiting for me," he says. “You can't 
move three feet in that airport without 
bumping into some soldier with a sub- 
machine gun." But soon he and the 
scrum of high-ranking ministers were 
running across the polished floor with 
no one daring to stop them. 


51 


52 


THE ANATOMY ++ KILLER 
Ө 


of a shark are layered with multi- 
ple rows of teeth on the top and bottom. As 
these teeth break, spare teeth behind them 
take their place. The largest great whites 
can bite with up to 3,600 pounds of pres- 
sure. By comparison, an African lion can 
produce roughly 1,200 pounds of force. 


A jet bound for Sharm el-Sheikh was 
being held on the tarmac. A hulking, silent 
man—a bodyguard, Burgess guessed— 
took the seat next to him. 'The preparations 
were impressive and a bit unnerving. 

Burgess has identified four stages 
to these kinds of things: panic, denial, 
more intense panic and acceptance. The 


> Russian tourist Olga Martsinko smiles for the 
camera moments before she is attacked. 


volution has made sharks the world's most perfect hunters. Juliet Eilperin, author of Demon 
Fish: Travels Through the Hidden World of Sharks (published this month), explains. 


is covered in 
denticles, which reduce 
friction by forcing water 
to flow in channels, 
allowing the hunters to 
move through the sea in 
near silence. 


that 
her 


relatively good 
eyesight, sharks are able 
to identify prey in low- 
light conditions, as well 
as see in color. 


have two pelvic fins, called claspers, 
must be inserted into a female shark to fertilize 
eggs. Recently, however, scientists have dis- 


covered that females in some species are capable 


the biggest 
sharks breathe through a 
process of ram ventilation. 
They have to swim con- 
stantly with their mouths 
agape to get the oxygen 
they need to survive. 


of p 


ЖР 


4 


Egyptians were now in stage four, but 
they’d spent a few crucial days in stage 
two, denial. The governor of South Sinai, 
who was responsible for Sharm el-Sheikh, 
had gone as far as to scuba dive in the 
ocean with his aides to show there were 
no man killers lurking nearby. And he’d 
ordered the ritual shark cull, sending 
boats out to spear every- 
thing with a dorsal fin. 
The governor had pub- 
licly accused the Israeli 
spy agency of sending the 
shark to Egypt as a provo- 
cation. “What is being said 
about the Mossad throw- 
ing the deadly shark [in 
the sea] to hit tourism in 
Egypt is not out of the 
question,” he told report- 
ers, “but it needs time to 
confirm.” Other bureau- 
crats suggested the shark’s 
head had been fitted with 
a GPS receiver to steer it 
toward Egyptian shores. 
The Egyptian beach 
tourism industry was in 


arthenogenesis, or asexual reproduction. 


free fall. Now they’d called in Burgess 
to make the attacks stop. Already the 
British tabloids were reporting that “the 
Mr. Big of the shark world” was flying 
in to Sharm to catch the killer. When he 
arrived at his four-star hotel—the one 
where the German tourist had been 
staying—Burgess grabbed some sleep 
and was up with the sun the next morn- 
ing. The hunt was officially on. 

A shark attack investigation is run 
much like a murder investigation, 
with one difference: Burgess didn’t 
give a damn about catching the indi- 
vidual killers. Before he arrived, a 
mako had been caught and exhib- 
ited on a local dock, a chain hooked 
through its mouth revealing rows of 
dagger-like teeth. “A sacrificial kill is 
par for the course,” Burgess says. “If 
you want an eye for an eye, go ahead 
and do it. But these sharks can move 
30 miles or more in a day, and you 
have a slim to no chance of catching 
the real culprit.” 

What Burgess wanted to know was 
what had brought the whitetip and 
the mako to (continued on page 108) 


ina. 77 
A 
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"We're going to get married, but he wants to go on the honeymoon first...“ 


53 


AS THE LOVE CHILD OF 


She Comes THE WORLD'S MOST GLAMOROUS 


COUPLE, MODEL-ACTRESS 


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LIZZY JAGGER, 


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"I feel comfortable 
expressing myself 


See Lizzy at playboy.com/jagger. 


four kids. When she was two, her mother appeared 
in the October 1985 issue of PLAYBOY, photographed 
by Annie Leibovitz. (We guess that makes posing a 
family tradition.) 

Lizzy says her parents didn't have any issues 


with their daughter revealing herself in the 


intimate photos you see here. 'They understood 
that when you don't know when you're going to have 
kids, it's nice to have wonderful pictures of your 
20-something self. And at (concluded on page 117) 


e fell in love with the girl 

next door and in due time 

married her, though she 

continued to live next 
door. He was known then as the hus- 
band of the girl next door. His moth- 
er, who was known as the mother of 
the husband of the girl next door, 
neither approved of this marriage 
nor opposed it. Rather, she accepted 
it as one accepts the contents of the 
succeeding pages of novels, of which 
she was an avid reader. Turning the 
page of the 
novel she is 
reading now, 
for example, 
she comes 
upon a father 
raping his 
daughter and 
then behead- 
ing her to re- 
move her as a 
witness to his 
crime, blam- 
ing it all on 
the mentally 
defective son 
of a neigh- 
bor whom 
he lures to 
the scene, 
encouraging 
him—she is 
only sleeping, 
he tells him, 
this is your 
chance!—to 
have rela- 
tions with the 
dead girl to 
leave traces 
of his bodily 
emissions in- 
side her. He has placed the severed 
head back on the neck and tied a 
kerchief around the wound, and 
soon the boy's confused thrusts cause 
the head to fall off and bounce onto 
the floor, so terrifying him that he 
breaks down and blubberingly con- 
fesses everything. The mother of the 
husband of the girl next door does 
not approve of such behavior, but 
she goes on reading, and so she has 
gone on living with her son, washing 
his clothes and preparing his meals, 
even after he became the husband 
of the girl next door. 

Her son is not a reader, though he 
does go often to the movies, usually 
together with his wife, the girl next 
door, for it was in the local movie 
house, while watching a romantic 
musical about a charmingly innocent 
boy, like himself, and the sweet and 
wholesome girl next door, that he first 
fell in love with her even though she 
wasn't with him at the time. In fact, 


he had paid very little attention to her 
until then, but he went straight to her 
house and knocked on her door and 
proposed to her immediately, before 
they had even gone to their first mov- 
ie together. That first one was a film 
about a mass murderer who killed his 
victims, often quite young, with candy 
bars laced with tiny razor blade frag- 
ments, then ground the bodies up and 
sold the meat to fast food restaurants 
to finance his drug habit and his taste 
for expensive professional women. 
'The girl next 
door said she 
didn't know 
if she'd ever 
eat a ham- 
burger again, 
though in 
fact she did 
so that 
same night 
when they 
stopped in 
a fast food 
place after 
the movie, 
and in fur- 
ther fact 
she ate 
two. After 
that they 
always had 
hamburg- 
ers after 
the movies 
in memory 
of their first 
date togeth- 
er, and often 
as not in the 
same place, 
which has, as 
the girl next 
door always says, a very special place 
in her heart. 

'The husband of the girl next door 
is indeed charmingly innocent, as 
many have remarked, and not just 
he himself. He is perhaps not as 
handsome as the hero in the musi- 
cal and can't reach the very low and 
high notes, but otherwise he could 
step right into the role and just play 
himself. He has the best of manners, 
is polite to his elders, respectful of his 
co-workers at the supermarket, kind 
to children and those less fortunate 
than he, is a regular churchgoer who 
sings in the choir and a good citizen 
who always puts an extra quarter in 
the parking meter and never forgets 
to vote. He willingly runs errands 
for his mother, does not jaywalk or 
spit in the street, mows his own lawn 
and that of the girl next door and 
has never been known to commit 
a public indecency, not even as a 
small child. (continued on page 126) 


ILLUSTRATION BY SCOTT GORDLEY 


61 


"Promise me you'll be gentle.” 


"Skip the flowers, girlie, where's the lay the travel 
agency promised me?" 


"Ya better try me now, sugar—tomorrow I turn pro!” 


"I thought youd like to know, sir, she's not part of 
airport security!" 


"Buy one, get one free." 


63 


1 DRY GIN 


ЕЛІ 


= 


KENTUCKY STRAIGHT 
BOURBON WHISKEY 


BOURBON WHISKEY 


Pro golf's best 
soap opera 
has more 

sex, hooze, 
gambling, 
gluttony and 
jail time than 
dersey Shore. 
Meet the star: 
John Daly, the 
most colorful 
renegade 
golfer in 
America 

by 

Alison 
Bonaguro 


m. 


‘ кїтє We 0” м 
ЖАЗЫ 
ha T s зе 


BOURBON WHISKEY 


BOURBON WHISKEY 


PREMIUM VOD’ 


WorldMags 


he fog was thick at Kohler, 
Wisconsin's famed Whis- 
tling Straits Golf Course. 
San Francisco thick. It made 
it impossible to see down the 
fairway of the first hole. The 
green 408 yards away was 
not visible, nor was the lake 
just beyond it. There were no specta- 
tors, marshals or other golfers in sight. 
John Daly's golf partner for the day, 
Rickie Fowler, joked that visibility was 
at three feet. Daly's caddy wasn't quite 
as affable about the weather, acknowl- 
edging under his breath that if this 
was a game day and not just a prac- 
tice round, the PGA would enforce a 
fog delay. But Daly said nothing. He 
was perhaps assessing how to tee off 
into the unknown. Or he was thinking 
that even if he golfed his worst golf, it 
wouldn't be his fault. 

Daly has a knack for thinking things 
aren't his fault. Three stops in rehab 
and some ongoing therapy with a psy- 
chologist in Florida have given Daly 
a definite mantra, which he pulls 
out of thin air when need be, 
saying, in effect, "It's not all my 
fault. I'm a good person. I have 
a good heart. I care about peo- 
ple. I'm not a bad guy." But 
not everyone agrees. 

By tee time, seven A.M., Daly 
was just a silhouette against 
that fog. He looked like any 
other professional golfer on 
the course at that hour, except 
for the bold black pants with a 
neon kaleidoscope pattern and 
the ubiquitous cigarette dangling 
from his lips. At 45 he was a beacon 
of unconventionality in a sea of peers 
dressed uniformly in basic solids. 

Had Daly slipped into a pair of flat- 
front khakis, though, he would still have 
been nothing like the others. His square- 
peg-round-hole routine has always 
defined him. He put in a special order 
for Diet Coke at the Pepsi-sponsored 
event, just to goad his hosts. He tells 
endless pussy, beaver and tit jokes no 
matter who can hear. He requested 
steak and mashed potatoes during 
the PGA Past Champions four-course 
Korean barbecue dinner. And while 
other pros traveled the rugged links- 
style course respectfully, Daly tossed lit 
cigarette butts wherever he damn well 
pleased—on the contoured fairways, in 
the fescue grasses that flank them and 
in bunkers that litter the course. The 
world is his ashtray. 

Daly's demeanor continued to reveal 
itself hole after hole, so that by the time 
he'd finished up on the 18th green and 
ascended the cobblestone stairway off 
the course to have lunch with his old- 
est daughter, Shynah, it was fitting that 
he barely said hello to her. There may 


ғ 


5 


have been a nod or a hushed “Hey,” but 
Daly was not about to fall all over him- 
self for anyone. That's just not in his 
nature. He keeps to himself when he is 
surrounded by others, even at lunch in 
the players' clubhouse. His daughter to 
his right, his girlfriend and her daugh- 
ter to his left. He gave more attention 
to his hamburger patties. 

If Daly is aloof around his daughter, 
it's not without precedent. His father 
was the same. “If I did something good, 
it wasn't good enough," Daly recalls. 
"We're just not real close like a father 
and son should be." 

His upbringing was straight out of 
some old-school country song. Born in 
California, Daly and his family moved 
when he was four to a log cabin in Dar- 
danelle, a tiny town in Yell County, in the 


us THING 
e / 4 . 


middle of Arkansas. It was the epitome 
of redneck life, one in which his mother 
made chocolate gravy and biscuits in the 
kitchen and homemade shirts on her 
sewing machine. He and his brother 
Jamie would drag a trampoline up to 
the house so they could jump off the roof 
onto it, just for kicks. Their father made 
his own muscadine wine and stored it in 
mason jars. All the Daly kids risked a belt 
whupping when trouble came around. I 
got beaten so many times by hoses, sticks 
and belt buckles," he says. Now that he 
has three kids of his own, plus a stepson, 
Daly says he's never going to be the kind 
of father his father was. 


From an early age, Daly wanted golf 
to be his life, not just a hobby or a 
way to put himself through college. 
He dropped out of the University of 
Arkansas in 1987 to launch his career 
as a professional. In 1991 he came 
out of almost nowhere to win the PGA 


| 2 
⁄ < 


Championship in an unlikely turn of 
events. Nick Price had dropped out of 
the major because his wife was about to 
give birth, creating a slot for an alter- 
nate. The first round of alternates 
couldn't make it, but Daly could. He 
threw his clubs into the trunk, got in his 
car and drove from Memphis to Car- 
mel, Indiana to the Crooked Stick Golf 
Club. If nothing else, Daly figured, at 
least he could have a few drinks with 
his hero, golf legend Fuzzy Zoeller. He 
left Memphis on Wednesday, and by 
Thursday afternoon he was teeing off 
without a good night's sleep or even a 
practice round. By Sunday he was the 
PGA Champion. 

'The big-money sponsorships and 
appearance fees that followed that pivotal 
day are likely behind him. While major 
tournament purses get bigger (the 2010 
PGA winner Martin Kaymer received a 
check for $1.35 million, compared with 
Daly's paltry $230,000 win in 1991), 

Daly's chances of even making the cut 
become very slight. But his past is 

scattered with some vital wins: the 
1991 PGA, a onetime comeback at 
the 2004 Buick Invitational and 
k a then the one he calls the most 
© important, the 1995 British 
p= Open. “That's the hardest one 
wm] because the golf courses are 
ss different. And it's like Jack 
Nicklaus said, ‘If you win the 
British Open at St. Andrews, 
your golf career can't get any 
more complete.' Or something 
like that," Daly says. 
Daly has married four women, 
some with careful consideration, 
others on a whim. But the picture 
he paints is of four women who had all 
the flaws. The first was too young, he 
says. Then, he claims, the second was 
too dishonest, hacking 11 years off her 
age, telling Daly she was 27 when she 
was really 38, a significant age differ- 
ence that Daly didn't notice at the time. 
'The third was too much of a homebody. 
'The fourth one, Sherrie Miller...well, 
she was bad news from the start of their 
2001 marriage. According to Daly, she 
wanted him to pay her $2,500 every 
time they had sex. "She was playing 
like a hooker. She wanted her husband 
to pay her to have sex with him," he 
recalls. “How bad is that?" Daly is ada- 
mant that her body was gorgeous but 
she was horrible in bed. "She wasn't 
worth a cent," he says. 

Miller also went to prison in 
Lexington, Kentucky in 2006 on a fed- 
eral charge involving a drug ring and 
an illegal-gambling operation. Hav- 
ing a wife in federal prison would be 
the nadir of most marriages, but Daly 
insists she came out even worse than 
when she'd gone in. “She just wanted 
to party every night. She was out all the 


65 


66 


time. My seven-year-old son says “Му 
mom’s never home. She's always out, 
he says. Daly is still bitter. “It was a sad, 
sad marriage," he says. ^I held on as 
long as I could. I was the most misera- 
ble, loneliest man you could ever be." 

His new love, Anna Cladakis, has 
filled the ex-wives' shoes for now, but 
Daly says he has no intention of marry- 
ing her. His complaint is one countless 
men have. He laments the faltering 
libidos of women after a wedding and 
a couple of kids. “You marry some- 
body, that's one of the perks of being 
married—you get to have sex anytime 
you want it," he explains. When his 
wives stopped giving it to him, he says, 
he'd flat-out tell them, "The hell with 
it. ГІ go get it somewhere else.” 

“I’m real close to being a nympho, 
if I'm not one," he admits. He and 
Cladakis try to have sex at least once 
every day. “If I'm with somebody, I 
want to be with that person. I wanna 
have sex a lot. Anna’s been great. We're 
both nymphos, I think. We like each 
other's company. We like making love to 
each other,” he says as his eyes wander 
to the front door of the remote She- 
boygan Falls house he's rented west of 
the golf course. “If somebody's relation- 
ship is great, I don't want nobody else." 
Daly calls Cladakis the first woman in 
his life who truly loves him for him, 
not because of the celebrity status or 
money. On paper she's just the latest in 
a long line of women who've come and 
gone through Daly's life. But this time 
around he found love when he was not 
at the top of his game. 

Aside from their shared hypersexu- 
ality, Daly seems just as effusive about 
Cladakis's independence. She has her 
own life, a daughter, a house where 
they live together in Clearwater, Flor- 
ida and a job. She says it, too. ^I have 
my shit together," she says defensively. 
When Daly met Cladakis, a few years 
ago, she was a promotional director 
with Hooters, one of his sponsors. 
She was also in the process of filing 
a suit against Outback Steakhouse 
chairman Chris Sullivan, her daugh- 
ter's father. Cladakis now receives an 
estimated $7,500 a month in child sup- 
port, meaning that she collects close to 
$100,000 a year for raising her daugh- 
ter. Sullivan testified in court that 
during one of their sexual encoun- 
ters, Cladakis "removed the condom 
from me, saying I didn't need that with 
her." Daly himself seems to have wised 
up about the allure of love, lust and 
promises of forever. Marrying Cladakis 
wouldn't be good for his sex life or his 
erratic financial highs and lows. 


Daly estimates that his monthly 
expenses these days add up to a 


staggering $43,000. It used to be 
around $120,000, but with the sale of 
a couple of Hummers and some other 
asset reductions, he's whittled his liabil- 
ities down. A bus payment of $16,500 
every month is, to him, a necessity to 
get to tournaments. Then there are 
the child-support payments to two 
of his ex-wives for his two younger 
children. “Sherrie is probably $5,000 
and Paulette is $2,000 a month. Two 
house payments, the bus," he says with 
a heavy sigh. “It’s a grind." 

Cladakis tightened the reins on 
Daly's legendary gambling, which saves 
him untold amounts. "Anna hates gam- 
bling," he says as if he has a bit of a chip 
on his shoulder. Of all Daly's addictions 
and excesses, gambling had the tightest 
noose on him. “If he had the money, 


the gambling might still be a problem 
right now,” says one friend. 

It wasn't just the simple gambling of 
the common man that thrilled Daly. It 
was how he played big. Vast amounts 
of money changed hands in his most 
moneyed years, from the tournament 
purses to the casinos, with Daly act- 
ing as the sieve. Every chance he had 
he'd retreat to the high-limit rooms 
upstairs at the Wynn or Bally's or 
any other swanky casino in Vegas 
that would welcome him. A waitress 
would be at his side, the gawkers kept 
at bay. A balcony overlooking the pool 
awaited him when he needed to clear 
his head and strategize his next move. 
Тһе risks felt less perilous when he 
was surrounded by the luxury he 
deserved. (continued on page 124) 


WorldMags 


"I know I have the right to remain silent, but I want you to 
know I'm a screamer.” 


67 


WorldMags 


e 


SURVEY 


БЕНЕН THE 2011 PLAYBOY 


A SNAPSHOT OF haven't changed for a long while—insert A into B, C 
or D, wiggle around, have an orgasm (or not). But the way we come together is 
H U M A N M AT l N G faster, less discerning and, many would argue, less intimate since the arrival of the 


internet. Last year a polling firm asked 1,074 adults, "If you had to choose, would you 
eg A E H T % give up sex or the internet?" Thirty-five percent couldn't decide. It's come to this? 
We wanted our own figures. Not since the pill has a cultural force as powerful as the 
IN THE internet had such an effect on the way humans copulate. In 1983, over the course of five 
issues, PLAYBOY reported the results of the most sweeping sex poll in history, after survey- 
D | G | ТА 1. А G Е ing 65,396 male and 14,928 female readers about their habits.The timing is important: 
Just months after that survey was оп newsstands, Apple, unveiled the Macintosh—a 
seminal moment in digital media. 


68 BY THE EDITORS OF PLAYBOY 


ILLUSTRATIONS BY DAVID PLUNKERT 


THE 2011 PLAYBOY READER SEX SURVEY 
This year we repeated the survey so we 
could compare sex today with sex at the LEGEND E3 1983 E 2011 MMale F Female 
dawn of the digital age. With the help of 
Harris Interactive, we collected responses HOW OFTEN DO YOU MASTURBATE? 
from 8,002 male and 2,001 female visitors 
to Playboy.com, the results of which were 44% 
weighted to reflect the demographic of the 
average PLAYBOY reader. You will find the 31% 


37% 

results (in abbreviated form) on this page. ñ 

Next, to avoid being myopic, we asked _ 23% 
Harris to present the survey to a sample of 19% 15% 19% 18% 16% 15% 

9 14% 14% 13% ° 
12% 12% 9 
HE Я 

learn more about how men and women аге 
having sex in 201 I, and particularly the role of BBE ШАШ ПЕЕ. 
technology.The firm interviewed 1,210 men 
and 1,100 women online and weighted the r MF MF MF MEM F M Ë M F MEME F M F M F MF M F MF MF MF МЕ МЕ 
results to reflect the race, gender, sexual ori- 
entation, age, education and other attributes 
of the U.S. adult population—all 232 million 
of us. Turn the page to see those results. NUMBER OF SEX PARTNERS 

Certainly a number of factors have changed 


how we view and practice sex since 1983— 
AIDS and Viagra come to mind. But a great 


amount of the new data we collected points to 
the influence of internet porn. This includes a 
huge leap in the number of people who report 
watching adult movies (78 percent today, 40 
percent in 1983). Both men and women mas- 


American adults (not just PLAYBOY readers) to 


At least once A few times Once a week Once or twice Less than once 
a day a week a month a month 


37% 36% 


32% 
% 24% 
ЖС; 23% 21% 22% 
18% 19% 2 
14% 
12% 12% ||9 HO 

11% rT m 
turbate more while having less intercourse. 
In 1983 we didn't ask if people shaved their HELL LELLLELLLELLELTTT: 
pubic hair—who would do that? Now more 
than half the respondents in our survey are M F MF МЕМЕ МЕМЕ М Е М Е М Е М Е 
trimming.We also noticed a boost in the іпсі- ia 5 6 to 10 1 to 25 26 to 50 Si or more 
dence of reverse cowgirl—woman on top, 


facing away—a position popularized by porn. HAVE YOU EVER... ? 


Need more evidence? The security cam 


94% 
85% 


and gonzo porn genres аге phenoms sup- 7996 7896 7976 


49% 


risky places (ир to 76 percent from about 47% 


35 percent). And what's one to make of the 36% 34% — yx 38% 12% 
fact that 70 percent of female respondents | 8 


2376 8 Г 
8 


М F MF MF MF МЕМЕ МЕМЕ М Е М F 


have been photographed nude and nearly 50 
percent while having sex? Thanks to digital 
cameras and smartphones, you no longer 


ported by the huge increase in readers who 
say they have had sex in public or other ТЕ 
need to develop the film. That's progress. 


Talked dirty Cheated on Useda Tried Watched 
during sex a spouse vibrator bondage orn 
SEXUAL FREQUENCY ы Р Š P 
M M 
Atleast once F Once F 
a day M aweek M 
F F 
M M 
4 or 5 times F Once F 
a week M a month м 
F F 
M M 
Less than 
2 or 3 times Р ences т 
а week M month M 
F F 


FD sue Belem LIBERALS VS. CONSERVATIVES 


70 


We commissioned the ESTEEMED POLLING COMPANY HARRIS to help us 
learn more about the sex lives of all 232 million American adults. It polled a 
sample of 1,210 men and 1,100 women online, then weighted those results to 
reflect the race, gender, sexual orientation, age, education and other attributes 
of the entire adult population. Here are some fascinating findings. 


PLAYBOY.COM/SEXSURVEY 


Has porn on computer Has had sex with a foreigner 

24% 15% 51% 19% 
Has been photographed nude Has had sex with a neighbor 
56% 20% 29% 17% 
Has posted ad while in relationship Has had anal sex 
24% 58% 35% 16% 
Has tried to contact an ex online Кпоуу ІШІ names of all past lovers 
38% 23% 51% 64% 
Has watched sex in mirror Had sex within six hours of meeting 

34% 19% 40% 24% 

Has had interracial sex Has sent a "sext" message 
46% 26% 24% 9% 


P 'OOGLE SEARCH | zm ЖШШЕ 


9 2| percent of men and 13 percent 
Masturbated to I —— uu. 49% P P 


of women have cheated on a 


online porn? | © ш а. spouse; 18 percent of males 


and |4 percent of females have 


C +: cheated while in a supposedly 


; monogamous relationship. Could 
ast five years? p 
P y Em 876 you forgive a partner who cheated? 


Stored porn on your —— > 1 YP 32% | LENS Е 
computer? [unm 4% 


о, 
Found last sex Em 8% 
partner online? E 5% 


THE MODEST MIDDLE 40-YEAR-OLD VIRGINS 


Midwesterners are the least likely Americans | 40 percent of adults between 18 and 24 years 
to be photographed with their clothes off | old have not yet had sex, while 5 percent of 
or while having sex. those between 35 and 44 are still virgins. 


YES 39% 


BE Male PS Female 


YES 23% 
30% 
14% 
ET - 3 
ШЕ! 
EX-LOVER(S) CO-WORKER(S) NEIGHBOR(S) HOOKUPS 
19 percent of adults met the last person 
Fantasize Sex Fantasize Sex Fantasize Sex they had sex with at work and another 27 
about with about with about with 


percent through friends. 


Of adults who have had sex, only 18 percent of males and 14 percent of females are sleeping with someone their own age. 


| GROUP GROPES | ш... ш... 


Of adults who've had sex, 31 percent of men and 14 percent of women have done it 
with two or more people at the same time. Percentage of those men who've had: 


59% 


MFF 


MMF 36% 


ммм 22% 


21% 


ORGY 


Percentage of those women who've had: 


YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKE 


orgasms from blow jobs, 6 percent from 
hand jobs and 7 percent from masturbation. 2075 
2| percent of women come most intensely 
from cunnilingus, 20 percent while being 
fingered and 13 percent during masturbation. 


YOUR POSITIONS W Co ER 
17 percent of men experience the most intense 36% - 


Rear entry 
(side by side) 


Rear entry 
("doggy style") 


CALL FOR ACTION 


16 percent of adults have “sexted” 
someone on their phone with an explicit 
message or photo. l6 percent have 
answered the phone during sex, and 20 
percent have had phone sex. 


MEN VS. WOMEN 


Shaved pubic hair 

50% 52% 

Masturbated with someone 
51% 20% 

Used a sex toy 

57% 47% 

Tried bondage 

11% 8% 

Know the first and last name 
of everyone slept with 

4396 73% 

Would like more sex 

55% 34% 

Would like less sex 

2% 5% 

Had to wait a year or more between 
losing virginity and having sex again 
9% 14% 

Had sex within six hours of meeting 
44% 17% 

Slept with two people in 24 hours 
58% 14% 


50МЕТІМЕ5 


ALWAYS 


54 percent of women say they have a G-spot; 32 percent aren't sure. Continued on page 120 


THE 2011 PLAYBOY/HARRIS SEX SURVEY 


What is your favorite sex position? 


13% А 
mm — il 


HOW OFTEN DO YOU COME 
DURING Hue ШЕ Female 


Never 1% Rarely 3% 
ا‎ 


Sometimes 7% Usually 34% Always 54% 


Rarely 15% Sometimes 23% 
| 
Never 7% Usually 34% Always 17% 
OPTIONS: OPEN 


Of men who have used a dating site, 
percentage who have done so while in a 
relationship: 33. Of women: 23. Percentage 
of people in the East who have done this: 
46. In the West: 13. 


56% 


28% 
E y һа. 


Face to face, 
partner on top 


Face to face, 
partner on bottom 


PERFORM ORAL SEX 
ON YOUR PARTNER? 


ШЕ Male ва Female 


EVERY TIME I HAVE SEX 


MOST TIMES 


OCCASIONALLY 


NOT TELLING 


5% 7% 


MISS JUNE 
HOLDS COURT 


| 


2 


m psu eeling off Mei-Ling home down to the TD Garden 
4 ED Lam’s passions isaslam in Boston. In those days her love 
dunk. They begin and ofthe Celtics was rivaled only by 

end with her beloved her fervor for beauty pageants. 

Boston Celtics. “Kevin Garnett is “I lived, breathed and ate pag- 
my favorite player, but І also love eants, the 2001 Miss Maine Teen 
Paul Pierce and Ray Allen,” our USA says. “I adored the dresses 
27-year-old Miss June says about and getting all dolled up.” As for 
the team's trio of stars, dubbed posing for PLAYBOY, Mei-Ling is 
the Big Three. “Truthfully, merely doing what comes natu- 
though, I love the Celtics, period, rally. “Тһе truth is that during 
because there's nothing like them my pageant days I was always 
and their fans. The atmosphereis running around naked back- 
absolutely electric during games. stage because of how quickly the 
Even when they're playing the wardrobe changes took place. So 
worst team in the league, their ав crazy as it sounds, I never felt 
fans are bonkers. I know I am naked when I was shooting my 
especially when the refs make a pictorial. In fact, I loved it. I'm 
bad call. It drives me crazy!" Mei- simply celebrating womanhood 
PICTORIAL PHOTOGRAPHY BY Ling, the daughter of a Chinese and embracing how comfortable 
ARNY FREYTAG restaurateur father and a French I feel in my own skin." Then, 
Canadian mother, got hooked on as if Ray Allen had just made a 

GAME PHOTOGRAPHY BY the Celtics as a kid when her older victorious buzzer-beating three- 
brother would routinely drive pointer, she exclaims, “I’m so 


72 STEWART SMITH her from their Clinton, Maine excited about my future!" 


WorldMags 


WorldMags 


WorldMags 


* more Of Miss Júne ` 


aiıelub.playboy.com. 


ащ 


Ed 


WorldMags 


WorldMags 


PLAYMATE DATA SHEET 


sis Mei-Lin 

sr: 2B _ or 2E _ AEE 
HEIGHT: _ o WEIGHT TEE: NR 
BIRTH DATE: 1-20-1984 BIRTHPLACE: _ Waterville, Maud — — 


лмвітіомѕ: 10 b€ moth 


/ ‘ 4 
TURN-ONS : M lı N 
۵ HH... drives me nuts... bo 1 
TURNOFFS: mo en і az v 


0 


МҮ R&B CRUSH: Ww well Maxwel | ! ps 


Olde. е C l хохо! 


CRAZIEST THING I'VE DONE FOR LOVE: WD V rm 


MiSs Maine Teen 
Usk af 13. i» 


Sixth Grade, 


AS PETSUAAION - 


PLAYBOY'S PAHTY JOKES 


What does an old woman have between 
her breasts that a young woman doesn't? A 
belly button. 


А man on his deathbed made one final dying 
request of his wife. 

"Darling, promise me you'll marry Andrew 
after I'm gone,” he said. 

"Of course, honey, anything you want," 
his wife replied, "but I thought you hated 
Andrew." 

With his last dying breath her husband said, 
“T do." 


How do you make a blonde laugh on Satur- 
day? Tell her a joke on Wednesday. 


One evening a man and his friend were sit- 
ting in the first man’s den, drinking beer and 
watching a baseball game, when they started 
talking about sex. Before long they were 
arguing about the correct name for the area 
between a man's asshole and his penis. 

“It’s called the taint,” the first man said. 

“No,” his friend countered. "It's called the 
runway." 

After their argument had gone on for a 
few minutes, the first man's wife walked into 
the room and asked them what they were 
debating about. 

"Honey," her husband asked, “what do 
you call that thing between the dick and the 
asshole?" 

His wife glanced from one man to the other 
and finally replied, “The coffee table." 


One morning a conservative business execu- 
tive showed up to work wearing an earring in 
one ear. His shocked co-workers proceeded to 
tease him mercilessly. 

“When did you start wearing an earring?” 
one of them asked. 

“Since my wife found this one in my car,” the 
man replied. 


А man was talking to his psychiatrist dur- 
ing a session when he said, “Doc, I'm wor- 
ried about my wife. Yesterday she posed for 
a nude picture.” 

"It's probably nothing to be too concerned 
about," the doctor said. "Maybe she just wants 
to express herself artistically. What was the 
nude photo for?" 

“Нег driver's license," the husband replied. 


One evening a man approached a blonde at 
a bar and said, “I couldn't help but notice you 
across the room. I was wondering if I could get 
your number so I can call you sometime." 
"Oh, you can find it in the local phone 

book," the woman replied. 

“But I don't know your name,” the man said. 

“That's in the phone book too,” she 
answered. 


One evening a man arrived home from 
work and found his wife waiting for him at 
the front door. 

"I want you to take me somewhere expensive 
tonight," she said. 

“No problem, honey," the man replied. “I 
know just the place." 

"So," his wife asked as they were 
pulling out of their driveway, “where are we 
going?" 

“The gas station up the street,” he replied. 


What is the difference between a penis and a 
bonus? Your wife will blow your bonus. 


A wealthy young woman was being driven 
to town by her chauffeur when the car got a 
flat tire. The chauffeur got out and tried to 
take off the wheel. After he had been strug- 
gling for several minutes, the woman rolled 
down her window and asked, ^Would you like 
a screwdriver?" 

"Hell, we might as well," the chauffeur replied. 
“I can't get this stupid wheel off anyway." 


What do tofu and a dildo have in common? 
They're both meat substitutes. 


Send your jokes to Party Jokes Editor, PLAYBOY, 680 
North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611, 
or by e-mail through our website at jokes.playboy.com. 
PLAYBOY will pay $100 to the contributors whose sub- 
missions are selected. 


"Hi, honey, I think I found us a best man." 


АТ FIRST HE COOKED 
JUST 10 SURVIVE, 
BUT THEN COOKING BECAME 


Y B 


BY JIM HARRISON 


CAT! ENSTON, 


OFFER 


more’? 


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RIGHT NOW & continue having the world's 
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NOBODY 


can tell you nothing," my dad used to 
say to me. He was actually well edu- 
cated but regularly used a remnant of 
rural bad grammar for emphasis. The 
off-the-wall arrogance that allowed me 
to become a novelist and poet didn't 
pan out in the kitchen, and it has taken 
me nearly 50 years to become a consis- 
tently acceptable cook. 

There are obvious and somewhat 
comic limitations for the self-taught 
golfer, tennis player or cook. With the 
last it's not all in the recipe, but that's 
a start. About 40 years ago when my 
eldest daughter was 10 and my wife 
was taking late-afternoon tennis les- 
sons, my daughter said, “Dad, don't 
you think we should follow the exact 
recipe, at least the first time out?” 

What a preposterous idea! Was my 
own daughter quelling my creativ- 
ity? Of course. And of course she was 
right. I was blundering through one 
of Julia Child’s epically complicated 
seafood dishes while she was studying 
the recipe in careful detail. Here we 
were stuffing sole with crab when the 
mortgage payments of $99 a month on 
our little farm in northern Michigan 
were a struggle. 

I still have grand lacunae: I have 
never successfully baked a loaf of bread 
or made a soufflé that rose higher 
than its liquid batter. I do well with 
fish, wild piglets, chicken, elk, venison, 
antelope, doves, grouse, woodcock, 
varieties of wild quail and sharp-tailed 
grouse but not so well with Hungar- 
ian partridge in our present home in 
Montana. Тһе key to any failures has 
always been arrogance and perhaps 
too much alcohol. Once while having 
an after-lunch drink with the famed 
chef André Soltner of Lutéce, he said 
that when he hired the young for his 
kitchen, within a day they wanted to 
create a salsa of their own devising. 
"As for myself I have invented noth- 
ing. I cook only French food," he said. 
This seemed not quite true because 
in answer to my question he rattled 
off a half dozen possibilities for Mus- 
covy duck, a large fowl and difficult to 
master. My problem here is an errant 
creativity that befits the page rather 
than the kitchen. 

Poverty can hinder, but it can also 
help. In graduate school I was struck 
by Arnold Toynbee’s notion that great 
cuisines come from an economy of 
scarcity. By common consent we are 
dealing with the cuisines of the Chinese 
and the French, throwing in the Ital- 
ians as third. By extension this is why 


it's hard to get a good meal in Iowa or 
Kansas, where they have everything. 
In our own case it was a long period of 
near poverty averaging about 12 grand 
a year for 15 years during my appren- 
ticeship as a poet and novelist. We ate 
very well because my wife has always 
been a far better cook than I. My spe- 
cialty was food shopping and studying 
recipe books. My wife had the specific 
advantage of not cooking with her ego. 
As a fisherman and hunter I was always 
good at "bringing home the bacon." 
In the rural areas in which we lived 
wild game and fish were in plenitude, 
and since I learned how to hunt and 
fish early in life, wild food plus what 
we grew in our big garden was a large 
part of our eating. Luck plays a goodly 
part in hunting and fishing, assuming 
you've mastered the technique. I recall 
one cold spring evening coming home 
from nearby Lake Michigan with five 
lake trout that had a combined weight 
of 60 pounds, and one day during 
bird season my French friend Guy 
de la Valdéne and I came home with 
nine grouse and seven woodcock. The 
next day he was startled when a local 
friend of mine stopped by and gave me 
an "extra" deer. A gift deer in France 
would be a very large gift indeed. 
For the man who cooks perhaps 
twice a week the prime motive in cook- 


"irt LUCK PLAYS 
A GOODLY PART 
IN HUNTING AND 


desires. 
In my 
own crit- 
ical view 

99.9 per- 

cent of 

taurants are rare, and there were these 
long periods when if a good restaurant 
did exist in our area it was rarely vis- 
ited because we couldn't afford the tab. 
It was the same when I lived in New 
York City at 19 and my weekly salary 


thing 
to eat 
worthy 
of your 
heart's 
peculiar 

FISHING, ASSUMING 
restau- THE TECHNIQUE. 
rants in 
America 
are in themselves acts of humiliation 
for someone with exacting tastes. When 
you live rurally and remotely good res- 
of $35 was split evenly among room 
rent, food and beer, and the recreation 
other than chasing girls was to walk 
the streets reading restaurant menus 
pasted to doors or windows. The 
restaurants (continued on page 118) 


85 


UP IN Boston, domam 
O'BRIEN, CHRIS ROCK; D 


АМО WHY | MISSISSIPPI s“ 


Ë z 


2 5 535 


- 


01 ' 


PLAYBOY: Vour TV show Louie is based loosely on your life as a 3 


40-something stand-up comedian and single father of two little 
girls who struggles with things such as going to the gym and 
dating. Does growing old suck? 

No, it doesn't. | mean, it sucks in the way that life gener- 
ally does, but | think being old sucks less than being young. As 
you go through awful things and survive them, you become 
more equipped to go through them later. It's all about surviv- 
ing failure so you get better at it. 


> hed 
5 


92 ея 

Б CRANKINESS. WE 

AIGRANT, GROWING 
4 PALIN, CONAN 


. 2 T 
Е 02 

I In one episode last season a high school student 
threatens and embarrasses you while you're on a date. Your 
date later AS that watching you back down was a turnoff. 
How would the real Louis C.K. have handled that situation? 

EK: I think not very differently than my character. When 
you're young you size yourself up against somebody and think, 
Can І fight this euy? You wouldn't mind walking away with a 
swollen eye or something. But when you're past your 405, if 
you get a black eye you're fucked for months. | can't see that 


WorldMags 


í 


. 
well isnt ovem back out. It's not worth it. 


2020202 Louie does a great job of tackling race issues. In 
one episode you attempt to ask a black cashier out on a date, 
and in another you spend a night going to clubs with black 
comedians. Is it hard to talk about race as a white comic? 
С.К: Yeah. We're still racially divided, so that makes it inter- 
esting. What | do on the show is take little feelings and make 
them bigger. | don't really feel awkward around black women, 
but it's fun to show that feeling. 


Q4 

PLAYBOY: Why take an audience to an uncomfortable place 
like that? 

If you make them laugh, then they've come there for a 
good reason. If you take them to that uncomfortable place and 
just upset them, some people might like that. But if you take 
them there and make them laugh, then that won't be such an 
awful place to go anymore. 


Q5 


PLAYBOY: Vou're half Mexican and lived in Mexico until you 


WorldMags 


88 


6% 
МҮ OBJECTION ТО 


SARAH PALIN IS NOT 
POLITICAL. IT'S AES- 
THETIC. IT'S HUMANE. 
99 


were seven. What was it like when you moved to Boston? 

: | didn't speak English, so that was kind of difficult, but I 
loved it. America was clean and big and amazing. | remember 
coming from a big, smog-filled, overcrowded city in Mexico that 
was a little drab and poor. 


Does that experience influence your feelings about 
immigration? 

.: Yeah, because | know what it feels like. It makes me feel 
differently about America. In Mexico in the 1970s, when | lived 
there, you couldn't even drink the milk because the refrigera- 
tion wasn't strong enough. Milk would eo bad, so you drank 
Carnation powdered milk. Until | was seven | drank only pow- 
бегей milk. When I first lived in America there were these big 
jugs of freezing-cold milk. | still have that perspective on milk. 


: Do you recognize parts of you as being distinctly 
derived from Boston? 
C.K.: Oh yeah. Boston is a scrappy town full of drunk Irish people 
and rich Jews. That's my upbringing. | had Jewish friends | grew 
up with whose parents were so cool they let them smoke pot in 
the attic and stuff. | also had these scrappy lrish friends. | swear 
that was my comedy upbringing in Boston. If you weren't funny 
you got your ass kicked. It wasn't just about getting laughs; it 
was about survival. 


Y: You first tried stand-up when you were a teenager. 

How did it go? 

..K.: The first time | did it, it was terrible. | did about two min- 
utes onstage, and | didn't get one laugh. | tried again and did 
even worse. | was just too young to relate to it all. | took about 
six months off, and then | came crawling back. | wanted to do it 
so bad. And then I just kept working at it until | got better. All 
comedians suck when they start, every single one. 


Q Louis C. K. 


Y: What made you stick with it? 

It was just a desire and an interest. And bombing and fail- 
ing aren't so bad. You can handle it. The rewards are that it gets 
incrementally better. Looking back, | gave everything to it. | gave 
up any rational way to live a life so | could try to get good at this 
thing. To be part of the community of comedians was a big deal 
to me. | really admire comedians, and | wanted to live that life. 
Things got really hard, but | never thought it wasn't worth it. 


At one point you auditioned for Saturday Night Live 
and eot rejected. Did that put pressure on you to quit? 

..K.: | don't remember anyone ever telling me | should quit. 
When | started out and | was struggling, my mom would say, 
"Why do you have to be a comedian?" But she's thrilled with my 
life, and I’ve always managed to find a way to make a living. I've 
always survived, so she's never worried about me. 


I : Your stand-up is very personal, but you've avoided 
talking about your divorce. Is divorce not funny? 

K.: The transition of divorce happened to me three years ago, 
and it just doesn't matter to me anymore. It would be like if you 
had children and you obsessed about the day they were born 
rather than their lives every day. 


': Comedians have a reputation for ending up as 
addicts and alcoholics. How did you avoid that? 

K. | did most of my drugs in school. | did loads of drugs when 
| was in eighth grade, ninth grade. For some reason those were 
the years | picked, and | learned what the pitfalls were. Also, 
I'm too driven. | love what | do, and it's important to me. Being 
addicted is one thing. If you're addicted you have a sickness. 
But to do drugs recklessly when you're trying to be a comedian, 
you're just not trying hard enough. (concluded on page 130) 


WorldMags 


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"You're late again!” 


WorldMags 


By Jason Buhrmester 


: promise 
of portable 
electronics 
has always 

been freedom. Back in 
the day, men worked 
in offices with burst- 
ing file cabinets and 
smoky conference 
rooms. Now you can 
squeeze that entire 
operation into a tab- 
let like the F 
(right, $800, 
motorola.com) and 
conduct your business 
from the beach. It can 
be your assistant, your 
stereo, your paramour, 
even a shoulder to cry 
on. Shall we pack up 
and take off? 


TTACHE ($1,895, 
TUMI.COM). BUR- 


($185, 
BURBERRY.COM). 


ASUS U36 
TOSHIBA A665 


LENOVO IDEAPAD 
U260 


© uck the 


[far left, 

$1,000, asus 

.com) 

into your 

carry-on. The slim 

(18 millimeters thick) laptop 

weighs three pounds and provides 10 
hours of battery life. Asus’s notebooks 
have been road tested on the Mir space 
station-two thumbs up. Sandy Bridge 


Headphones 


HOUSE OF MARLEY 
TRENCHTOWN ROCK 


SENNHEISER MM550 
WESC MARACA 


weet sounds: ! 


MARLEY IRENL 


headphones (above, $300, 
thehouseofmarley.com) come with a 
cord that’s long enough to — from 
the bong to the beanbag. SENNHEISE 
MM550 headphones ШЫН. $500, 
sennheiser com] are Bluetooth enabled, 
so you don’t need a cord at all. WESC’S 
! CA headphones [far right, $70, 
меѕс.сот) offer retro style and a retro 
price point, with plenty of kick. 


BLACKBERRY 
PLAYBOOK 


HP TOUCHPAD 
MOTOROLA X00M 


irelessly con- 

nect to your 

sma rtphone 

werd ADHI :RRY 

K (far left, 

8500, Bleu 

.сот) for easy synch- 

ing of your e-mail and calendar-perfect 
for poolside computing. You'll love the 
seven-inch screen and speedy one giga- 
byte of RAM, while your office IT guy will 
go forthe corporate security controls. The 


wily smartphone is the key to work- 
| Phones | ing ek an uc heach аг har. 


MOTOROLA 
ATRIX 4G 


HP PRE3 


1G (left, $200 
with contract, i motorola; T is the most 
powerful smartphone on the planet. Behind 
the four-inch touch screen, the Android 
device packs two gigahertz of processing 
power and one gigabyte of RAM-enough 
muscle to blow away your old laptop. When 
dropped into the optional dock (not pic- 
tured, $500), the Atrix actually converts 
into one, complete with full keyboard and 


sounds like a golf course, but it’s the code 
name for Intel’s new Core processors. 
The Intel i5 inside TOSHIBA’S АБББ (left, 
5790, toshiba. com] cranks out amaz- 
ing game graphics and breezes through 
work s sa you can hit the а! golf course. 
The LENOVO IDEAPAD U260 (right, $900, 
lenovo: Emil is the first 12.5-inch laptop 
with a 16:9 widescreen for watching HD 
movies. Upgrade to a 1.33-gigahertz pro- 
cessor and four gigabytes of RAM for 
serious spreadsheet-huilding power. 


(left, $500, hp.com) runs 
webOS, an underrated operating system 
that opens programs in “cards” that can 
be stacked, shuffled or flicked off the 9.7- 
inch screen. The tablet has sound tech 
developed by Dr. Dre. MOTOROLA'S XDOM 
(right, $800, motorola.com] runs a turbo- 
charged version of the Android system, 
complete with Gmail and Google Maps. The 
one-gigahertz dual-core processor blazes 
through the web and games on a gorgeous 
10.1-inch high-definition screen. 


N. S- inch display. The HP PRES (right, $200 
with contract, palm.com) mixes business 
with pleasure һу pulling tagether all your 
calendars, e-mail accounts and other dig- 
ital services in one place. Slide out the 
keyboard, start typing and the Pre can 
automatically start an e-mail or update a 
Facebook status. Multitaskers will love the 
ability to open several applications at ance, 
shuffling e-mails, Word docs-whatever 
you need. One thing this phone won't do: 
mix you another drink. Bartender? 


MARC BY 
MARC JACOBS 
LEATHER BAG 
($478, MARC 
JACOBS.COM). 


MARLEY қ 


HEADPHONES 
COME IN AN 

ECO-FRIENDLY 
HIPSTER BAG. 


HLASKAS N 
OCEANIST ZIP 
MEDIUM CASE 
IS PERFECT FOR 
A TABLET ($35, 
HLASKA 
СОМ). 

4 


World Mags 


Whether it's West Coast 

surf or East Coast prep 
you're looking £or, dive into 
these beach threads 


espite the fact that most of us 
consider the fall and winter 
months as the time to strut 
our style acumen, making your 
summer look distinguishable 
y truly raises the wet bar. Below, 
PLAYBOY Offers you a primer on 
how to get out of the inner tube 
and into some stylish summer 
duds. Madras, the drink or the 
fabric, not entirely required. 


Dy — Text by ° Tur z 
Jennifer Ryan Jones Steve Garbarino Zachary James Johnston 


w 


Summer of Jaws meets the Kennedys 


From Hyannis Port to East Hampton, Cod-to-Outer Banks attire is gingham, 
the prep-set look is here to stay. Clas- seersucker and weathered cotton. Could 
sic and showy—like а saltwater-faded the Kennedys, William F. Buckley and Peter 
pair of Nantucket Reds—today’s Cape Benchley all be wrong? 


OMMY HILFIGER, $68; P GANT BY MICHAEL BASTIAN, $165; HOC ÉROPOSTALE, 
SPERRY TOP-SIDER, $8: Y BIG PONY COLLECTION BY RALPH LAUREN, $15. 


WEEKEND LIKE A 
KENNEDY: TAKE TO 
YOUR COMPOUND 
IN SPERRY 
TOP-SIDERS. 


Not since the late 1960s and early 1970s has 
the surfer-skateboarder look (from Zuma Beach 
do San Onofre) been so refined...and redefined. 
Catch the wave of cool new men's beachwear 
that uses tried-and-true nylon blends that stretch 
and dry quickly. 


Vanities 
of the 
Bonfire 


au - E WEST COAST i BEACH-PARTY: 
— REQUIREMENTS: GIRLS, MUSIC AND WAVES. 


— 


South Beacher CLOCKWISE FROM TOP: GUITAR CASE ($825, WHIPPING {' 
POSTLEATHER.COM), CAMP BAG ($70, LLBEAN.COM), | 
STEEL-BELTED COOLER ($150, COLEMAN.COM) AND ; ` 


Miami's Versace era meets retro deco 
MAGNO SMALL RADIO ($225, AREAWARE.COM). 


The jet-set boomtown mirage has always defined Miami's more- 
is-more exhibitionism—whether it was the Tony Montana Scarface 
look or Gianni Versace's gold-medallion moment in the 1990s. Both 
retro and contemporary, today's SoBe style continues to mirror 
its surroundings. Pick your hues from what's in front of you—wild 
neon, popping flora and anything that makes you look as thin as 
a royal palm. And just to be clear: It's not Hawaiian prints; it's 
haute hula and chicer-than-you-think midnight cowboy. What 
about Crockett and Tubbs and their unforgettable fusion 
of Technicolor T-shirts and Armani jackets? Well, every 
city has its wardrobe malfunctions. 


SUNGLASSES: DOLCE 
& GABBANA, $260; 
SWIM TRUNKS: 83990 
ST. TROPEZ, $145; HAT: 
BLOCK HEADWEAR, Ç 
$58; FLIP-FLOPS: HAVAI- \ 
ANAS, $22. 


THE SOBE LOOK: 
BRIGHT COLORS 
AND LOTS OF 
BRONZE SKIN. 


The New Congressman’s 


— 


by Anonymous 


CONGRATULATIONS! 


You've survived your first 
six months in Congress. 


Today you're а E O ТЧ Д. E' І D E 


— 571 SWINGING DICK 


“енеме HISTORIC DECISIONS =» 


AND COMMANDING MORE blow jobs THAN A KENNEDY 


` + * By now, however, you've realized this was far cooler in theory. To be reelected, 


you will need to raise a few thousand dollars a day, every day, for the next 18 
months. And when you're not flying across the country once a week to spend time 
with needy constituents, you're explaining to your wife why you won't be able to 
make it home for your eight-year-old daughter's soccer game. Worse yet, there 
are 10,000 bloggers out to get you. One misstep, perceived or real, and you're 
screwed—especially when it involves screwing of the flagrante delicto variety. 
But hey, you deserve some companionship without rat-fucking political opera- 


tives such as myself using it to derail or obliterate your political career. A decade 


ТІР #1: DOWNSIZE YOUR DATING POOL 


tick to women who have 
as much to lose as you do. 
Avoid constituents; they 
will stalk you at town-hall 
meetings, show up at your office unan- 
nounced and follow your wife around 
the local grocery store. Nor are interns 
a good idea. The last thing you need 
is a semen-soaked blue dress floating 
around a Georgetown apartment rented 
by five 21-year-old college seniors, each 
with 1,500 Facebook friends and a gen- 
erationally looser definition of privacy. 
Come to think of it, stay away from any- 
one with a roommate. 

Staffers are no better—they're a dan- 
gerous mix of ambitious star fucker 
and poverty-stricken assistant. Good 
luck keeping them quiet. Like former 
Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich, 
you could try to save face and placate 


ж 


your Christian-right base Бу marrying 
the staffer. But that strategy works only 
until you want to run for president— 
isn't that right, Newt? I understand the 
allure of high-end call girls, but they're a 
trap. A few extra thousand dollars might 
get you more adventurous compan- 
ionship but no more discretion. We're 
talking about entrepreneurial women 
who are engaged in an illegal enterprise 
and therefore prone to saving memen- 
tos such as cell phone bills and canceled 
checks for future leverage. 

Whatever you do, keep your hands 
off the wives of powerful political opera- 
tives such as Roger Stone, the flamboyant 
Republican consultant who specializes in 
making his enemies feel pain. He is a crazy 
motherfucker who will slit your throat and 
then invite your widow to Miami Velvet, 
a swingers club where he reportedly met 
a hooker who had crossed paths with 
then New York governor Eliot Spitzer. 

So who are you allowed to fuck? Mainly 
female lobbyists and current and former 


ago Slate offered a mathematical for- 
mula for determining how many young 
women a congressman would have 
to seduce in order to generate a five 
percent likelihood that their mothers 
would know each other. (The answer 
was about 20.) I can do better. Follow 
these handy tips and that percentage 
will shrink to zero. 


members of Congress. The best lobbyists 
earn your annual salary between New 
Year's Day and the National Cherry 
Blossom Festival in March. One hint 
of selling sex for access will make that 
cushy job and five-bedroom home van- 
ish. Missouri Republican senator Roy 
Blunt did it right; his hot second wife 
is a lobbyist for Kraft Foods. As for con- 
gresswomen, they're in the same boat as 
you—an affair that goes public will sink 
them. Just be forewarned: Except for 
maybe South Dakota Republican rep- 
resentative Kristi Noem and Alabama 
Republican representative Martha Roby, 
there are no prom queens within the 
congressional chamber. 


ТІР #2: KEEP THE SEX STRAIGHT 


AND STRAIGHTFORWARD 


Е" irst and foremost, whatever the 


sexual position, always wear a 


ILLUSTRATIONS BY CODY TILSON 


95 


condom. Your bastard child will be 
revealed—even if it takes decades and/or 
it's after you're dead. Exhibit A: Essie Mae 
Washington-Williams, the elderly African 
American woman who outed South Car- 
olina Senate stalwart Strom Thurmond 
as her father nearly 80 years after he got 
her 16-year-old mother pregnant. Other- 
wise, stick to normal sex, behind closed 
doors and on your home turf. Don't 
believe me? Try this cautionary tale on 
for size. Once upon a time, according 
to court documents, U.S. Senate candi- 
date Jack Ryan took his actress wife Jeri 
Ryan (of Star Trek: Voyager fame) to sex 
clubs in New York and Paris. One such 
club in New York had "cages, whips and 
other apparatus hanging from the ceil- 
ing." Thus, he violated two of my tenets: 
(1) He strayed far from his home base in 
Illinois, and (2) he demonstrated pecca- 
dilloes that could easily be interpreted 
as deviant. Consequently, he helped his 
opponent, a then unknown Democratic 
state senator named Barack Obama, 
coast to electoral victory. Think how his- 
tory might have changed had Ryan saved 
the kink for his political afterlife. 

Another verboten act: gay sex. Unless, 
of course, you're Barney Frank, which 
leads me to a quick side note—know 
the sensitivities of your constituents and 
fuck accordingly. When you represent 
southern California, pretty much every 
freakish act can remain on the menu; 
however, when your district falls within 
the Bible Belt, never stray from the 
missionary position or your wife. Now, 
back to purely masculine conquests. My 
advice: Don't pursue them—like, ever. If 
Idaho Republican senator Larry Craig 
had wanted to hook up with a woman 
in a Minneapolis-St. Paul International 
Airport bathroom, he'd still be in the 
Senate. And if New York Democratic 
congressman Eric Massa had admitted 
to tickling female aides instead of their 
male counterparts, he'd still be in the 
House of Representatives. 


FIG. 1/ Bondage 


The only whip you should be caught with— 
House Majority Whip Kevin McCarthy. 


No matter your sexual persuasion, 
steer clear of teens. Former Illinois 
Democratic congressman Mel Reynolds's 
affair with a 16-year-old female cam- 
paign volunteer cost him his seat in 
Washington and earned him a prison 
sentence. (The exact charge: 12 counts 
of sexual assault, obstruction of justice 
and solicitation of child pornography. 
Тгу keeping that out of your opponent's 
next round of robocalls.) Additionally, 
Reynolds attempted to set up a three- 
some with his underage paramour and 
her 15-year-old friend—also a no-no. 


TIP #3: KNOW YOUR SURROUNDINGS 


lways be sure you're the one 

who chooses the hotels where 
you seal the deal. I recommend the 
Ritz-Carlton, the St. Regis and the 
Willard. There, you are paying for dis- 
cretion, so be sure to tip the concierge 
and doorman well. Unlike pricey hook- 
ers, concierges and doormen are known 
for keeping secrets, not selling them. 
Also: Memorize your exit routes. If 
you don't, there's a good chance you'll 
end up cornered in the hotel basement 
bathroom, frantically calling your con- 
sultants for advice on how to dodge the 
National Enquirer reporters awaiting you 
outside. Along those lines, never book 
the reservation in your name. And 
because there are cameras everywhere, 
no foreplay in the elevator. 

Bring her back to your place only if 
you're one of the handful of congress- 
men with their own apartment or condo. 
(Remember what I said about room- 
mates? They may be friends, but they're 
also witnesses.) The office is a different 
story. You have a plausible cover—you 
were working late—and constituents love 
to hear how you sleep on your couch to 
save money. (You can clean up the next 
morning in the House gym.) 


FIG. 2 / GaySex 


Beware the closet. A gay affair won't ruin 
your career as long as you're openly gay. 


Romantic dinners are thornier. Particu- 
larly avoid both D.C. Morton's locations, 
the Monocle Restaurant and the Capital 
Grille, which is situated on Pennsylvania 
Avenue halfway between Capitol Hill and 
the White House and frequented by such 
notorious lady-killers as former Tennessee 
Democratic congressman Harold Ford Jr. 
His signature Grille move was scrawling 
personalized notes to the woman he was 
interested in. The taller and blonder the 
woman, the nicer the note. Keep in mind, 
though, that Ford was single at the time. 
(Probably not coincidentally, he married 
a tall blonde.) You're not. So handwritten 
notes aren't sweet; they're evidence. 

Finally, don't forget about your congres- 
sional lapel button. It allows you to skip 
through security and ride in special ele- 
vators, but it also makes you immediately 
recognizable as someone influential and 
therefore worth observing in closer detail. 
Most guys take off their wedding ring 
when they're on the prowl. You should 
too, but stash your lapel button with it. 


ТІР #4: THE SUN IS YOUR FRIEND 


he old adage is true: Nothing good 
happens after two A.M. However, 
the corollary is equally true: All kinds of 
good things can happen during busi- 
ness hours. Stick to the daytime, when 
you can claim you were attending a cap- 
and-trade-policy briefing with European 
diplomats in your suite at the St. Regis. 
The real key is to hire the right staff- 
ers to free you up during the day to 
fund-raise, fact-find and fuck. Thus, 
aggressively seek out blindly loyal Capi- 
tol Hill lifers who know their way around 
Washington like fifth-year seniors know 
their way around campus. The right 
inner circle will allow you to be Bill 
Clinton behind closed doors and Mike 
Huckabee before the masses. Cherish it 
as much as your two р.м. booty call. 


FIG. 3 / Prostitution 


Never forget that the transaction involves 
money for sex, not money for discretion. 


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“On second thought, make that a double.” 


98 


Claire Sinclair 


The newest pinup queen pays tribute to the glamour royalty of yore 


ettie Page. Dita Von 
Teese. And now Claire 
Sinclair—our 2011 
Playmate of the Year 
and the latest addition 
to the pantheon of pinup 
queens. Claire wouldn't have 
it any other way. “Pinup girls 
are timeless," says the curva- 
ceous 20-year-old, a brunette 
bundle of brains and beauty. 
* Dita is contemporary pinup 
royalty, and Bettie has been 
one of my biggest inspirations 
because she was everything a 
pinup should be—sexy, funny 
and approachable." 

And so we wanted to bring 
these quintessential pinup 
qualities to life in the pic- 
tures before you, with, of 
course, a playful nod to the 
work of legendary glamour 
painter Gil Elvgren, the so- 


called Norman Rockwell of 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY STEPHEN WAYDA 


cheesecake. “I’m all about 
vintage, so I loved the idea," 
Claire says. “I mean, getting to 
swing 10 feet in the air to rep- 
licate a 1950s pinup? That's a 
dream come true. I’m a lucky, 
lucky girl." 

Claire's ascent to Playmate 
of the Year has been swift and 
sure. One week after the native 
Angeleno first posed for our in- 
house pinup painter Olivia De 
Berardinis, in fall 2009, she 
met Hef, who promptly asked 
her to test shoot for Playmate 
and ultimately named her 
Miss October 2010. Next, 
Claire moved into the Bunny 
House with fellow PMOYs 
Hope Dworaczyk and Jayde 
Nicole and a gaggle of other 
Playmates, an event captured 
by E! cameras for the net- 
work's August special The 


Bunny House. And that was 


merely a warm-up. Soon thereafter, produc- 
ers from the fabled burlesque cabaret Crazy 
Horse Paris invited Claire to he MGM Grand 
in Las Vegas to guest star in the stateside ver- 
sion of their revue. Not two weeks later, Bettie 
Page Clothing anointed her its official spokes- 
model. *Becoming a Playmate opened up so 


50 


many cool opportunities,“ says Claire, who 
stayed with Holly Madison in her Planet Hol- 
lywood suite after performing with the Crazy 
Horse showgirls. 

There, E 


found her yet again 


ameras 


as she became part 
of Hollys World. “1 
knew this was my 
shot, so I worked 
my ass off. I even 
zip-lined down 
Fremont Street in 


a Craz 


Horse Paris 


T-shirt for publicity. 


If they had asked, 
I would have bun- 
gee jumped off the 
Stratosphere!" 

In Vegas she 
found a kindred 
spirit in 83-year- 


old 


burlesque 


starlet Tempest Storm. “I love Tempest. She 
co-starred in one of the only color films Bet- 
tie Page ever made, Teaserama. Іп it there's 
a scene where Tempest wakes up and Bet- 


tie dresses her. By today's standards it seems 
quite innocent, but at the time it was big-time 
frisky. Back then Tempest was known as the 
Girl With the Fabulous Front because she had 
these ginormous boobs, which she had insured 


for $1 million. Isn't that fantastic? I don't think 


I could be in better hands when it comes to 
learning about burlesque." 

When it comes to everything else, how- 
ever, Hef is her numero uno guru. “I trust 
him with my life and career,” says Claire. She 
hopes that career includes more burlesque 
and lots of hosting, acting and writing gigs. (A 
book fiend, Claire counts David Sedaris and 
Chuck Palahniuk among her favorite authors.) 
There's so much I want to explore, because 

I'm curious about 
everything!" she 
bubbles forth with 
her trademark 
exuberance. “1 
was determined to 
become Playmate 
of the Year, and 
now that I have, I 
feel as successful 
as any 20-year-old 
could be. l'm so 
excited about it. I 
promise you that 
I'm going to liven it 
up as the pinuppi- 
est Playmate of the 
Year you could ever 
imagine. This is just 
the beginning. 


WerldMags 


NM | 
\\ 


NIE SEHEN 


— 


/ 


“7. 


— 


- Жл 
mv. 


"i 


a 


WorldMags 


ж “Bettie Page was everything a pinup 


should be—sexy and approachable. 


u 


` 


See more Of Cloire at 
playboy:.com/@moy201 1. 


P L A Y B O Y 


108 


SHARK! 


(continued from page 52) 
Sharm el-Sheikh in the first place—and 
what had caused them to strike at humans. 

“We had to look at the oceanography, 
storms, water temperatures, weather 
anomalies, changes in the fishing stock, 
salinity. Are the food resources going up 
or down? Is there anything here that 
shouldn't be here? Is there anything miss- 
ing that should be here?" 

Burgess wanted to see the attack scenes. 
He jumped into the nondescript govern- 
ment car the Egyptians had provided, 
along with a driver and Nasser, a top Egyp- 
tian scientist who would be his right-hand 
man for the investigation. They headed 
north to the ironically named Sharks Bay, 
the first attack site. 


Olga Martsinko is a 48-year-old emer- 
gency-services telephone operator from a 
small town near Moscow. A self-confessed 
underwater fanatic, she'd wanted to dive 
Sharm for years. And it had lived up to 
its billing. ^I saw what I'd been dreaming 
about," she said about the trip. 

On her fourth day at Sharm, Martsinko 
went for a morning swim with her daugh- 
ter and another tourist. They stayed well 
within the marked-off areas, away from 
the abyss where the reef dropped off into 
black water. Burgess studied the victim's 
postattack testimony, which she had given 
to local authorities: 

"] was slightly ahead of the other two, 
swimming on my back, and my left hand 
suddenly felt something rough, like a 
kind of sandpaper with warts on it. The 
first thought was, Could it be a dolphin? 
I realized it was something really large 
and powerful. It left me momentarily, 
then came back and I felt its jaws sink 
into my arm. 

"It pulled me down for a minute under 
the water, trying to shake me this way and 
that. I saw the bottom of the sea as I was 
pulled under, and I also felt that my arm 
had been severed. There was a sharp pain 
and then a numbness. At some point I came 
up for air—I think I was screaming." 

Martsinko realized the predator was 
playing with her, nuzzling her body as 
he pushed it through the water as though 
it were a baby seal, "perhaps trying to tire 
me out before killing me." 

She swam desperately for a floating jetty, 
where other swimmers pulled her aboard. 
'The shark had ripped off her arm, torn off 
her left buttock and ripped away most of 
her right one as well. The base of her spi- 
nal cord was exposed. 

Arriving at Sharks Bay, Burgess stepped 
out of the car into the 88-degree heat and 
ambled down to the water's edge. "Being 
there gives you a feel for the event, a 
vibe, if you will," he says. As he walked, 
the American scientist was thinking about 
a detail from Martsinko's testimony—the 
shark pushing her through the water as if 
she were a baby seal. 


"Look how close that strait is to the 
beach," Burgess said to Nasser, pointing 
to a fast-moving current just off the coral 
reefs. “You can't tell that from the pic- 
tures." That meant that anything dumped 
into the strait would have been carried 
swiftly down, parallel to the beach. It could 
be significant, or it could be nothing. 

Burgess flipped to his notes on the 
next attack. Approximately two hours 
after Martsinko was maimed, Lyudmila 
Stolyarova had come to a nearby beach 
in Sharks Bay. Despite a premonition of 
her husband, who didn't want to go into 
the water on the last day of their holiday, 
the 70-year-old Russian woman had been 
swimming for 10 minutes when she saw a 
dark shape in the water. 

Stolyarova called for help. But there were 
no lifeguards watching from shore. Burgess 
had noticed that too. The ratio of guards to 
swimmers was way too low. And it worried 
him. From Stolyarova's testimony: 

"It circled me. It was three meters in 
length. It just came straight at me and bit 
my wrist clean off.... It came up behind me, 
biting at my back. But I could never prop- 
erly see it. I felt its teeth all over me." 

Why did it start with the wrist? Bur- 
gess thought. Such a small, thin area of 
the body. Sharks go for the middle of the 
mass, the buttocks, the stomach. 

There was one reason it could have tar- 
geted Stolyarova's hand: Perhaps people 
had been hand-feeding the predators. 
Burgess asked Nasser to check. Later the 
Egyptian scientist would confirm: Some 
dive operators had been feeding bread and 
cake to the sharks to drum up business. It 
was a telltale clue. 


As the sun hit high noon, Burgess and 
Nasser jumped back into their car. “Кав 
Nasrani," Nasser said, and the driver 
headed north to the second attack site, a 
few miles up the coast. 

Тһе day after the first maulings, 
54-year-old Yevgeny Trishkin was at Ras 
Nasrani, diving about 60 feet from shore, 
photographing the stunning coral and 
native fish flitting through the brine. No 
warning signs had been posted on the 
beach. No shark nets were safeguard- 
ing the swimming areas. The lifeguards 
watched calmly as thousands of swim- 
mers, including young children, waded 
into the Red Sea. 

Trishkin, a career naval officer, was so 
entranced by the natural splendor in front 
of his lens that he didn't see the macro 
predator approach until it was a few feet 
away. He later recalled: 

"It was huge. It went for my left arm. 
As its jaws locked, I struck some blows 
on its snout, and for a second it released 
its grip on my arm—only to bite my 
other hand." 

Later that day a Ukrainian tourist, 
Viktor Koliy, was bitten severely on the 
legs. By the time he was dragged to 
shore, a full-blown panic had gripped 
Sharm el-Sheikh. 


Standing on the golden sand, Burgess 
peered at the spot where the swimmers 
were attacked. Just off the coral reefs, fast- 
moving water cut a channel. “The flow 
regime is definitely north-south,” Burgess 
said to Nasser, who nodded. 

The attacks had followed a geographi- 
cal pattern: center-north-south. The killers 
had followed the general direction of that 
strait. But why? 

Now Burgess wanted to see all the 
attack scenes—including the final, fatal 
one in Naama Bay—from the water. The 
Egyptians produced a 35-foot speedboat 
owned by a rich local investor. Burgess 
climbed aboard with Nasser. The twin 
engines sputtered to life and the boat shot 
southward. 

When they reached Naama Bay, Burgess 
sent divers into the water and stared over 
the ship's railing at their black forms. Right 
under the prow of the boat was where the 
fifth victim, the unnamed 71-year-old Ger- 
man woman, had bled out. 

“Тһе shark kept coming up and tak- 
ing bites of her and then coming back for 
more," one witness had told reporters. "It 
was ghastly, like something out of a horror 
film," said another. 

Burgess knew it had been horrible. Inca- 
pacitated, the diver had had no protection 
from a voracious predator. But Burgess 
had to visualize the scene from the point 
of view of the shark. 

What brought you here? he thought to 
himself. Why Sharm? 

'The drop-off from the coral reefs to 
deep water was clear—a black line just a 
few feet away. But whitetips spend most of 
their lives in one place, deep in black water, 
often resting on the ocean floor, stacked 
опе on top of the other like a cord of wood. 
Why had this outlier come hundreds or 
thousands of miles to find a meal? 

Burgess shook his head. He was still 
coming up empty. After staring at the 
water for hours, he rubbed his eyes and 
ordered the speedboat to drop him off at 
his hotel. 


As he turned in grueling 18-hour days, 
Burgess was at least spared one thing: 
victim interviews. They were the worst 
part of his job. “I remember every dead 
victim I’ve seen,” һе sighs. Once һе had 
walked into a Florida mortuary and found 
a body lying under a sheet. The coroner 
had arranged the sheet to expose only the 
torso, but Burgess told him he needed to 
inspect the entire body in order to see 
the defensive wounds. He pulled the 
sheet off. Lying on the slab was a pretty 
14-year-old girl. “І saw my daughter's 
face in hers," he says. 

Still, he had to talk to the witnesses and 
fast. "Just like a cop, you want to get 'em 
while they're fresh," Burgess says. Many of 
them were still traumatized. Hassan Salem, 
the dive operator who'd scared the white- 
tip away, was so frightened by what he'd 
seen that he told Burgess he couldn't imag- 
ine going into the water again. 


"Let's do that one again. I lost a bound and a half!” 


PLAYBOY 


110 


And then, something snapped Burgess’s 
head up. 

A local fisherman was droning on when 
the marine biologist caught a word: tuna. 

“Say that again,” Burgess barked. 

The translator rattled off a question in 
Arabic. The man replied. “He says, “The 
tuna didn’t come this year.’” 

Burgess nodded. The Red Sea, he knew, 
was a tropical body of water without riv- 
ers feeding into it. Very little detritus, what 
biologists call “energy,” to support schools or 
large fish. Plenty of species but not very high 
numbers. Which meant that any shark that 
came into its waters would find little to eat. 

And now the tuna hadn’t come? 

Burgess sensed a plotline. “People were 
telling me illegal overfishing had been going 
on for at least 10 years,” he says. Officials 
had overlooked boats taking tons of illegal 
fish out of the Red Sea. It had left the sharks 
nothing to eat. Except the foreign guests. 

A local biologist brought in another tan- 
talizing clue. The water temperature had 


been unusually high, 82 to 84 degrees Fahr- 
enheit, for weeks before the attacks. Some 
scientists believe spikes in water tempera- 
ture increase a shark’s metabolism. Burgess 
believes that idea has credibility, but he has a 
more unusual theory. Call it the “Hot Town 
Summer in the City” postulate. 

“When do riots start? When do people 
murder each other?” he says. “In the sum- 
mer, that’s when. When it’s hot and sticky.” 

Burgess believes sharks may have heat tol- 
erances. Go above them, and the shark gets 
irritated—some can even die from thermal 
shock. So the predators in the Red Sea were 
not only hungry, they were pissed off. Bur- 
gess was starting to set the scene. But the key 
question remained: What had brought these 
deep-ocean species to Sharm el-Sheikh in the 
first place? It was the domino that set off the 
whole chain of events, and he didn’t have it. 


Every day of the investigation Burgess felt 
the tension at Sharm el-Sheikh ratchet 


“Fifteen minutes? No problem! How will I know you?” 


up. The Red Sea resorts, he learned, are 
the premier vacation spot for Eastern 
Europeans. “You can live in a tiny flat in 
Vladivostok or wherever, but you save your 
whole life for a trip to the Red Sea,” he says. 
“And you can go home and brag about it 
for the rest of your life.” 

Now Burgess was denying the tourists 
their lifelong dreams. As he walked the 
beach, he noticed bizarre behavior from 
the people he was supposed to be saving: 
Egyptian lifeguards were chasing swim- 
mers out of the ocean. And the Russians 
were telling them to go to hell. Burgess 
had never seen anything like it. Even the 
Eastern Europeans who were obeying 
orders and staying ashore made it clear 
they were far from pleased. 

“Га go down to breakfast," Burgess 
says, “and the guy next to me would say, 
“бо, Mr. Burgess, when can I get back in 
the water?’” 

Every time the American sped back to 
his hotel, a new crop of powerful people 
would be waiting—politically connected 
businessmen desperate to keep money 
flowing into their hotels and restaurants. 
One of them was a middle-aged man with 
the last name Mubarak. Burgess realized 
he was shaking hands with Gamal, a son 
of the man who was, for the moment at 
least, president of the republic. 

It turned out that Sharm el-Sheikh was 
the president’s second home. He had a 
mansion nearby, and his children had 
grown up swimming in the clear waters. 
"It's like Hyannis Port for the Kennedys,” 
Burgess says. All Burgess needed was to 
complete his investigation and have a 
Mubarak eaten the next day. 

As he probed, the Sharm el-Sheikh 
rumor mill was working overtime. That’s 
how the next clue rolled in. Most of the 
scuttlebutt was about a mystery ship seen 
throwing dead sheep off the side, far off 
at sea, in the months before the incidents. 
Then, more than a week into the investiga- 
tion, the Egyptians came to Burgess with a 
critical piece of information. A sheep car- 
cass had washed ashore near the scenes 
of the attacks. 

It turned out the ship, bound for the 
Mideast out of New Zealand with a load 
of sheep for post-Ramadan celebrations, 
had been tossing sick and dead animals 
close to shore. Burgess shook his head in 
disbelief. “This brought the sharks right 
to the victims’ feet,” he said. 

The last piece of the puzzle clicked 
into place. The sharks hadn’t migrated 
to Sharm from the deep blue—they’d 
been led there. 

Now Burgess could relive the entire 
sequence of events, literally visualizing the 
journey of the oceanic predators. As the ship 
crossed the Red Sea, the crew was wash- 
ing down the decks daily, sloughing sheep 
excrement and dead animals into the water. 
“They left a chum slick all the way from 
New Zealand to Egypt,” Burgess says. 

It made perfect sense: The whitetip is 
a tracker. Centuries ago this shark had 
earned the nickname “sea dog” because 
of its habit of following sailing ships across 
the Atlantic. The behavior is ingrained— 
ships resemble large schools of baitfish. 


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PLAYBOY 


112 


The sharks can even stick their snouts 
out of the water and sniff prey thou- 
sands of feet away. On its way to Jordan, 
this particular ship passed near Sharm 
el-Sheikh—specifically to the north. The 
offshore strait brought sheep carcasses 
straight past the beautiful sand beaches, 
a virtual meat conveyor belt for sharks. 
So a careless boat crew had led the white- 
tips and the makos from their hunting 
grounds to Sharm el-Sheikh. And once there, 
the scarce fish populations of the Red Sea 
had reduced them to near starvation. There 
were a few tuna to be had but almost noth- 
ing else. Once the sharks finished them off, 
there were only the humans, chumming the 
waters and even feeding them by hand. 


Burgess called a meeting with the gov- 
ernor and his ministers. They gathered 
at a sprawling conference center where 
President Clinton had once conducted 
negotiations to end the Israeli-Palestinian 
conflict. The marine biologist walked past 
an enormous photo of Clinton and other 
world leaders to a room where the gover- 
nor of Sinai and his aides were waiting. 
Dressed in his khakis, Burgess sat next to 
the balding, powerfully built official in his 
fabulously expensive suit. 

“There’s no for-sure in this business,” 
Burgess told them. “But I have to tell you 
that the sharks will be back. That’s the 
bad news.” 

The governor nodded slowly as Burgess 
explained: Sharm el-Sheikh lured so many 
tourists, shark attacks were going to hap- 
pen. As he laid out the reasons and what 
could be done to prevent more attacks, 
he tried to lighten the mood. “In a way, 
the sharks are paying you a backhanded 


compliment,” Burgess told the table of 
officials. This town had arrived. “You’re 
in the big leagues now.” 

He handed the governor a to-do list: Ban 
illegal fishing, stop the sheep transports 
from dumping carcasses, get more life- 
guards and better stations for them, train 
people for the next time. Because there 
would be a next time. 

As he flew back to Gainesville, Burgess 
knew the story wasn’t over. In Moscow, the 
second victim, Lyudmila Stolyarova, was 
beginning to recover, but she was still frag- 
ile, her mind seared by what had happened. 
“T looked at my wounds afterward and seri- 
ously thought it would have been better if the 
shark had just eaten all of me,” she says. 

The larger story, the one that radiates 
beyond Sharm el-Sheikh, is almost as dis- 
turbing. By the most conservative estimates, 
every year humans kill about 5 million sharks 
for every one person we lose to them. This 
indiscriminate slaughter has brought the 
population of some shark species down to 
near-extinction levels. And yet, mysteriously, 
shark attacks rise decade by decade. That 
doesn’t make sense—fewer sharks, more 
attacks. But it does possibly say something 
about what’s happening in the oceans. 

“T can’t prove this now, but in 20 years we 
may look back at Sharm el-Sheikh and say 
it was part of a continuum,” says Burgess. 
“Global warming, overfishing, increased 
human activity in water...” 

It could be the shark is the canary at the 
bottom of the seas. According to this the- 
ory, the spike in attacks is a message, even a 
warning. And if that’s true, what happened 
in the Red Sea in December is a pinprick 
compared with what’s coming toward us. 


“You pulling out?” 


LAWRENCE 0’DONNELL 


(continued from page 46) 
it’s absolutely beyond obvious, because she 
understands the second she’s not running, 
Tim Pawlenty becomes more important. 
PLAYBOY: Has Palin been good for com- 
mentators like you? She seems to provide 
an endless supply of faux pas, family scan- 
dals and shocking statements. 
O'DONNELL: She's been good for us, and 
we've been good for her. We are doing 
everything we can to feed her moneymak- 
ing capacity by keeping her alive. What 
if we treated her as we did Dan Quayle? 
How much is a Dan Quayle speech worth 
right now? She is absolutely a cable news 
creation. There is no Dan Quayle phe- 
nomenon, and there wasn’t after he was 
on the losing side of the vice presidential 
slot. There was no Joe Lieberman phe- 
nomenon after he was on the losing side 
of the vice presidential slot. I think she 
knows that, which is why she does what 
she does to keep herself on our radar. 
PLAYBOY: Does Newt Gingrich have a shot 
at the nomination? 

O'DONNELL: No. Newt is trying to make 
us French. He won't succeed. 

PLAYBOY: How is he trying to make us 
French? 

O'DONNELL: He's trying to say three 
marriages are okay. At some point three 
marriages will be okay, but not now. Two 
marriages weren't okay until Reagan came 
along and won. McCain had two, but he 
lost for other reasons. At this point, Newt 
cannot be elected with his marital record. 
I don't care about it, but many people 
do. I would have voted for Mitt Romney's 
great-grandfather, who had five wives at 
the same time, if I agreed with him on pol- 
icy. I'd vote for Newt Gingrich if I agreed 
with him on policy. But I don't decide the 
elections. People who decide elections, the 
swing voters, apparently care what kind 
of person you are. Newt's story includes 
stuff that a consensus of Americans finds 
extremely negative. Having your wife in 
a hospital for cancer treatment and going 
in to discuss divorce terms is considered 
uncool by enough people, especially con- 
servative Republicans. Also, I don't think 
he can overcome the optics of running 
for president. 

PLAYBOY: What optics are required? 
O'DONNELL: You can't look the way he 
looks. You have to be thinner. You have 
to be trimmer. He would lose in the gen- 
eral election, absolutely, but he'll never 
get to a general election. 

PLAYBOY: What's your take on Mitt 
Romney? 

O'DONNELL: Romney is going to have a 
problem with Christian fundamentalists 
who believe Mormonism is not an actual 
Christian branch but a heretical branch. 
They will not vote for a Mormon under 
any circumstances. I could vote for some- 
one who married five times, and I could 
vote for a Mormon for anything. Tell 
me what your tax policy is. Tell me what 
you want to do with Medicare and Social 
Security. But Republicans, at least evan- 
gelical Christian Republicans, would have 


a serious problem voting for a Mormon, 
and they won't. It’s why Romney gave a 
speech in which he tried to explain his 
religion. He talked about the faith of his 
fathers, but he didn't say anything about 
the faith of his fathers. He didn't say a 
single thing his fathers believed, not one. 
And the one Mormon he cited, Brigham 
Young, he cited heroically. 

PLAYBOY: What do you have against 
Brigham Young? 

O'DONNELL: Brigham Young said God 
told him that if a white person has sex 
with a black person, the white person will 
die on the spot, in the bed, won't take 
another breath. 'The media don't know 
that, and they think that because a uni- 
versity is named after Brigham Young and 
its basketball team has black players there's 
nothing else to think 
or know about it. 
But if the candidate 
brought up the faith 
of his fathers, then 
you can reasonably 
ask the candidate 
questions about the 
faith of his fathers, 
including the fact 
that well into Rom- 
ney's adulthood his 
religion said that 
black men could 
not be priests in this 
church. Then, one 
day, the president of 
the Mormon church 
said, "God just told 
me he has changed 
his mind, and black 
men can now be 
priests." The day 
before God changed 
his mind, what did 
Mitt Romney think 
about black men not 
being allowed to be 
priests in the Mor- 
mon church? 
PLAYBOY: Who would 
have a harder time 
running for president 
in America, a Mor- 
mon or an atheist? 
O'DONNELL: Ап 
atheist would have 
a bigger problem in 
America overall but a smaller problem with 
evangelical Christian voters, because to 
them an atheist is not a heretic. An atheist 
is not putting a false god in front of God. 
PLAYBOY: Of the current pack of contend- 
ers, who's the most likely Republican 
nominee? 

O'DONNELL: Tim Pawlenty is the only one. 
It's a process of elimination. There's a 
serious problem with every other Repub- 
lican running for president. Besides his 
religion, Romney has the problem of hav- 
ing created Obamacare in Massachusetts 
before Obamacare went national. In the 
end Huckabee probably won't run, but if 
he does, he won't have the wider appeal 
necessary. As I said, Palin's not going 
to run. She's a loser, and America hates 
losers. Ron Paul will get his solid seven 


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percent of the vote. Pawlenty is the only 
guy who has no negative. 

PLAYBOY: Does he have the optics? 
O'DONNELL: He's got what he's got. Look, if 
you had a Pawlenty who was also dynamic, 
Га say, “Oh, the dynamic Pawlenty is going 
to win. He's going to beat the undynamic 
Pawlenty." There isn't one. 

PLAYBOY: How significant a force is 
Michele Bachmann? 

O'DONNELL: She's another of our media 
creations. There couldn't be a Michele 
Bachmann without a lot of cable news 
programming chattering about her. In 
the old-media world, The New York Times 
would not have spent much time on her. 
She wouldn't be getting rewarded in any 
way for being Michele Bachmann. You 
didn't have people talking like that in 


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the early 1990s, to go back to an ancient 
period, because they would be labeled 
quacks and ignored by the dominant 
media, if the dominant media decided 
to notice them at all. Now that we have 
all these media outlets and the internet, 
there’s niche marketing. She’s a niche. 
Anyone and anything can get on TV now, 
so it’s possible for all sorts of things to get 
traction that never would have before. 
In 1993 a television show about ice-road 
truckers would have been impossible. 
Ice Road Truckers is a hit in the world of 
cable programming now because there 
are enough people—a million something 
or whatever it is—who want to watch 
it, including me. There’s a market for 
every kind of weird idea in a country of 
300 million. 


PLAYBOY: You described prime-time cable 
news, excluding CNN, as op-ed televi- 
sion. Is a danger of op-ed television that 
viewers may not realize they’re watching 
commentary from a liberal or conser- 
vative point of view? To borrow Fox’s 
slogan, they may think they’re watching 
fair and balanced news. 

O’DONNELL: Which is more dangerous, 
getting your news exclusively from cable 
TV or not getting your news? 

PLAYBOY: In some cases, maybe propa- 
ganda is worse than no news. 
O’DONNELL: Absolutely nothing can be 
done about it other than to watch some- 
thing else. You can watch the Discovery 
Channel. 

PLAYBOY: How has the internet changed 
discourse in America? 

O'DONNELL: There 
are many more pub- 
lic discussions about 
everything that hap- 
pens in the world, 
both for better and 
worse. The only way 
you used to be able 
to get some access 
to what people were 
thinking was to listen 
to call-in talk radio, 
which I always found 
fascinating because 
of exactly that. Тһеу 
were the citizens who 
were never heard 
from. Now there are 
blogs and the inter- 
net comment world. 
Тһе fun thing about 
it is that people can 
be much more intem- 
perate and profane 
than they would ever 
be calling any radio 
show other than 
Howard Stern's. 
PLAYBOY: Let's tackle 
a few of the pressing 
issues. You've said we 
should raise taxes, 
which is as unpop- 
ular a stand as you 
can take. 
O'DONNELL: We're 
living in this absurd 
tax environment 
where two UCLA professors who are mar- 
ried to each other are taxed at the same 
tax rate as Bill Gates and Warren Buf- 
fett. It’s an absurdly primitive notion of 
income distribution. 

PLAYBOY: Yet the Republicans believe 
we're overtaxed. 

O'DONNELL: Well, they think the govern- 
ment is doing too much. I'm someone 
who doesn't think the government is 
doing too much. My obligation on the 
liberal side of our politics and our gov- 
erning policies is to come up with a way 
to raise revenue to pay for the things I 
think we should pay for— social services, 
Social Security, whatever. 

PLAYBOY: Apparently you'd go much fur- 
ther even than many liberals. You've 
described yourself as a socialist. Doesn't 


113 


PLAYBOY 


114 


that alienate you from most people? Dur- 
ing the campaign Obama had to defend 
himself against those who charged he was 
a socialist. 

O'DONNELL: Which he is. He was accused 
of it by socialists. We’re all socialists, at 
least any of us who agree Social Security 
is a good thing. I’m a socialist because 
I support Social Security and Medi- 
care. They’re socialistic. Everyone who 
supports these programs is supporting 
socialism—including most Republicans. 
PLAYBOY: Critics have called Obama's 
health care law socialistic. Is it? 
O'DONNELL: It's not. It's the most absurd, 
ridiculous nonsolution and covers approx- 
imately half the people who need to be 
covered. That's what the Democratic lib- 
eral ideal had become by the time we got 
to the Obama presidency. Half of them? 
That’s your idea? 

PLAYBOY: Wasn’t that expediency? Isn’t it 
necessary to compromise to get legisla- 
tion passed? 

O’DONNELL: This president began with 
the notion that the smartest way to solve 
the health care problem would be to 
expand Medicare, which is correct. Medi- 
care for people over a certain age works 
well. It would have taken time to figure 
out how to make it work for everyone, but 
it could, and the American public could 
have understood it, it could have eventu- 
ally passed, and it wouldn’t have scared 
so many people. 

PLAYBOY: But do you agree that compro- 
mise is essential in a country as polarized 
as ours? 

O’DONNELL: If you compromise and com- 
promise on what you stand for, then what 
do you stand for? Nothing. Mario Cuomo 
was willing to lose his governorship over 


something not a single Democrat would 
ever risk an election over again: the death 
penalty. Does anyone remember the death 
penalty as a political issue? Guess which 
side the liberals were on. Guess which side 
the conservatives were on. The death pen- 
alty is not on the list of litmus tests for 
liberals now. Liberals gave up. 

PLAYBOY: For practical reasons? Because 
polls show most Americans support it? 
O’DONNELL: It is about being practical, 
and it is entirely about that for politi- 
cians. For Cuomo, a Roman Catholic, 
no, it’s not about being practical. It’s 
his agreement with the pope that thou 
shall not kill. The trick question now for 
politicians in either party is, Over what 
would you be willing to lose an election? 
Bill Clinton would not understand the 
question. He wouldn’t. Over time, each 
adjustment you make, especially each 
moral adjustment you make, moves you 
closer to being nothing. If you watch the 
conservative movement on the abortion 
issue and over the same period of time 
watch the Democratic Party on the death 
penalty—these two things that people call 
death—you will notice that one utterly 
and totally abandoned any attachment 
to principle and the other gripped the 
principle tighter and tighter over time. 
In the 1990s I could have said to Repub- 
licans, “Look, can't you see the country 
is pro choice now? The country is pretty 
close to two thirds pro choice. This is a 
bad formula for you." However, for many 
Republicans and virtually all antiabor- 
tion Republican voters, this is a deeply 
important moral issue on which they will 
not yield. And their refusal to yield on a 
moral issue over time gives them a moral 
center around which to organize. 


"He's going to have a hard time getting into my pants. 
I'm not wearing any!" no 


PLAYBOY: Why did Democrats give up on 
the death penalty? 

O'DONNELL: There is no lobbying inter- 
est against the death penalty. You could 
be a member of Congress for 40 years 
and never have one visit from a person 
lobbying against the death penalty. On 
the other hand, a vast lobby and a vast 
voter population have a strong interest 
in preserving all reproductive rights as 
they exist now and advancing some of 
them. It's why abortion remains an issue 
for Democrats as it is for Republicans. 
PLAYBOY: Will a stalemate remain when it 
comes to gun control? 

O'DONNELL: Democrats have been silenced 
on gun control and ammunition control. 
By the way, at this time they should be 
taking on ammunition control, which is 
more important than gun control. 
PLAYBOY: What's the difference? If you 
have a car, you need gas. If you have a 
gun, you need ammunition. They go hand 
in hand. 

O'DONNELL: If you want to reduce air pol- 
lution in this country, you don't have to 
limit the production of automobiles; you 
have to limit the production of gasoline. 
There are a couple hundred million guns 
out there right now that you'll never get 
back, but they all need bullets. Ammuni- 
tion doesn't last forever; guns do. I don't 
care if you have a gun. How much ammu- 
nition do you have, and how long is it 
going to last? Gunpowder deteriorates 
over time. If I can control your flow of 
ammunition, those bullets you have now, 
those 200 bullets, 10 years from now, 
you're going to have none. The shooter 
in Tucson killed as many people as he 
did because we allow high-capacity maga- 
zines. It used to be that you had to reload 
after 10 rounds. Not now. Republicans, 
without a whimper from the Democrats, 
allowed the ban on those high-capacity 
magazines to expire. It's not something 
they'll take on. Nor will Obama. 
PLAYBOY: You were a writer on The West 
Wing. How close to the real thing is 
The West Wing's depiction of the Oval 
Office? 

O'DONNELL: The Oval Office is a very for- 
mal environment, not like on the show. 
You wouldn't want to be filming how 
stiff Oval Office stuff can be. In the end, 
The West Wing was about entertainment. 
Watching President Obama at work in the 
Oval Office wouldn't necessarily make a 
show anyone would want to watch. 
PLAYBOY: You see the results of Obama in 
the West Wing. Is he effective when he's 
in that room? 

O'DONNELL: The only way I could render 
a verdict on that is if I were in the gov- 
erning chamber with him. I've never seen 
Barack Obama at work. I had moments 
with President Clinton in the Oval Office 
when he performed very well—quickly 
and brilliantly under pressure—and other 
moments when he was indecisive and slow 
and afraid of what his wife would think, 
at least on health care. That was peculiar 
beyond description: The problem is what 
the president's wife thinks? 

PLAYBOY: Are you disappointed with 
Obama's first two years in office? 


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O'DONNELL: I’m not disappointed іп 
Obama. He's done a masterful job in 
many areas. He did a masterful job with 
his Supreme Court nominations of Sonia 
Sotomayor and Elena Kagan. Overall, he's 
done more than I expected him to do. 
'The fact that the top tax rate did not go 
back up doesn't surprise me. They didn't 
have the votes to do it. It's not up to the 
president. If it were, it would be back up. 
I get why Guantánamo as a prison facility 
is still there. Where are you going to put 
those inmates? We've known this about 
America for a long time: Whatever you 
want to do is fine, but not in my backyard. 
If “пос in my backyard" applies to any- 
thing, it applies to Al Qaeda. Afghanistan 
is very complex, and the complexities of 
it change on a daily basis. What is a pol- 
itician going to do when faced with the 
responsibility of dealing with those com- 
plexities? Obama didn't run as a peace 
candidate. People projected onto him 
things he did not say. They projected onto 
him the idea that somehow his prosecu- 
tion of what was going on in Afghanistan 
would make more sense to people than 
what was happening under Bush. 
PLAYBOY: Has Obama been hamstrung by 
the midterm elections? 

O'DONNELL: Yes, and especially now that 
there are people in Congress whose only 
agenda is to stop anything from happen- 
ing. We've had a sharp decline in the past 
15 years in the education of elected offi- 
cials. They are being educated in their 
political and governing views through 
sloganeering. We've produced a class 
of elected officials who are by far the 
shallowest in my lifetime. Their entire 
understanding of what it is they do for a 
living comes from the talking points put 
in front of them during their campaign. 
It's true of Democrats and Republicans. 
On the Republican side there are now 
politicians in office who hate government. 
You're electing members of the House of 
Representatives who are running against 
government. It's like saying “I’m running 
for president of Avis because I hate the 
car rental business." 

PLAYBOY: Maybe that's a good thing. Tea 
Party legislators would respond to that— 
to use your analogy—they hate the rental 
car business, and they're here to fix it. 
O'DONNELL: The trouble with approach- 
ing government from the standpoint 
of ^I hate government" is that you are 
extremely unlikely to find a better way 
for government to do anything at all. You 
are also extremely unlikely to be the per- 
suasive person on the matter of what the 
government should no longer do. And it's 
even worse because of a horrible dynamic 
that doesn't allow a Republican to veer 
from the right, no matter what he or she 
thinks. Occasionally a Republican would 
realize Rush Limbaugh had gone way 
too far and said something absolutely 
unconscionable and indefensible, and that 
Republican would say so, and then Rush 
would immediately discipline that Repub- 
lican on the radio, and that Republican 
would apologize, all within a 12-hour 
news cycle. That policing system is flaw- 
less. And when you have a policing system 


like that on thought, thought stops. 
PLAYBOY: If the media are complicit, and 
Limbaugh and others are the biggest 
offenders on the right, you have to be 
included in the list of the biggest offend- 
ers on the left. 

O'DONNELL: I'm not policing thought. 
The opposite. I encourage thought. 
I want thoughtfulness. I want people 
to understand the complexity of the 
issues. Otherwise nothing meaningful 
will ever change. I want debate. I want 
people to be educated enough to have a 
conversation. 

PLAYBOY: But isn't the reality that MSNBC 
is simply the left's answer to Fox News? 
Isn't that its raison d'étre? 

O'DONNELL: Not originally. At first 
MSNBC was trying to be Fox, doing a 
pathetic imitation of it. In show business 
you follow the leader, and Fox was the 
leader. If you have Desperate Housewives, 
then we're going to get a housewives 


show. Fox was this incredible success, just 
amazing all of us, and MSNBC was try- 
ing to imitate it in whatever ways it could, 
pulling in whatever Republicans it could. 
The only liberal it hired at that time was 
named Ron Reagan, and his father used 
to be president. 

PLAYBOY: What changed? 

O'DONNELL: It was a wonderful creative 
accident driven by Keith Olbermann. At 
a certain point in the progress, or lack of 
progress, of the Iraq war, Keith, who had 
his show on MSNBC, took a sharp turn 
to the left, and the ratings skyrocketed. If 
those ratings had gone down, that sharp 
left turn would have been stopped. I'm 
sure the executive class was afraid of it 
at first, until it saw the ratings reports. 
Once it did, there was no turning around. 
Counterprogramming turned out to be 
exactly what to do. 

PLAYBOY: How much do ratings influ- 
ence the stories you cover? You've said 


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"Yes, Гт sure Miss July does have a good chance of 
becoming Playmate of the Year. However, when I asked who you 
favored, I was speaking of the political race." 


115 


PLAYBOY 


you'd like to talk about Chinese currency 
on the show, yet you’ve also covered 
Charlie Sheen. 

O’DONNELL: If a story’s out there, and it’s 
big and it’s news, we may cover it. Ona 
show I was hosting long before this one, 
the question came up, “Are we going to 
do the Lindsay Lohan story tonight? Does 
this belong in our news mix?” There are 
holier-than-thou audience members who 
believe Lindsay Lohan doesn’t belong in 
the news mix, but I said, “Yeah, we can 
do the Lindsay Lohan story, but we’re not 
doing any jokes.” This was the same night 
we were doing a little item about Chelsea 
Clinton’s wedding that weekend, and I 
noticed these stories had something in 
common. What we were seeing in Chelsea 
Clinton’s wedding and in the latest Lind- 
say Lohan saga was 
a story about Amer- 
ican parenting, the 
risks and possibili- 
ties. There were two 
girls, not of a terri- 
bly dissimilar age, 
who grew up with 
very difficult par- 
ents. If your father 
is president of the 
United States, no 
matter what he’s 
like, he has made 
your life extraordi- 
narily difficult. It’s 
a hard way to grow 
up, and you have to 
find your way. And 
you’re doing it in 
an age of unbeliev- 
ably intense media 
scrutiny. Then when 
your father misbe- 
haves egregiously, 
in a way that would 
be difficult for any 
daughter to bear, 
you're going to have 
to bear it, knowing 
that everybody you 
meet for the rest of 
your life knows that 
about your father 
before they meet 
you. And there was 
Lindsay Lohan, who 
is an extraordinary 
artist, really lovely, in the place she was 
in—is still in—because her parents chose 
to put her there. No one can become a 
child actor without parents saying, "I 
want my child to become a child actor." 
It's one of the worst things you can do to a 
child—to put him or her to work that way, 
to put the burden of movie stardom on a 
12-year-old, as she was when she started, 
and the burden of having hundreds of 
millions of dollars at stake based on what 
she does on the set at work tomorrow, to 
steal childhood from her and then say, 
"Good luck with adulthood." It was a ter- 
rible, terrible parenting choice. So the 
story about Lindsay Lohan and Chelsea 
Clinton that interested me was about their 
parents. That weekend we were going to 


TAYLOR 
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bares it all... 


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families have, that did its absolute best 
under extraordinarily difficult circum- 
stances to provide the best childhood they 
could for a kid whose father was governor 
and later president. And then we were 
watching another couple of parents who 
cared more about what their child could 
do for them than they ever cared about 
what they could do for their child. That's 
the story we did. 

PLAYBOY: When you spoke about Charlie 
Sheen, unlike many other shows, which 
talked about his problems with a sort of 
prurience and glee, as if it were a joke, 
you spoke soberly about his mental state 
and his addiction. 

O'DONNELL: You can't grow up Irish in 
Boston and not know something about 
addiction. It is one of the plagues of my 


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culture, so I've been through these trials 
with friends and loved ones, and it's some- 
thing you can never joke about if you've 
been close to it. There's no question what 
you're looking at because there's no orig- 
inal behavior. You're watching a person 
dying who may or may not die. If you've 
watched someone die that way, there's only 
one way to look at it. You're looking at trag- 
edy, whether it's an unknown person from 
my old neighborhood or a celebrity. 
PLAYBOY: Now that you're a celebrity, how 
does it feel when you're the subject of 
speculations and scrutiny by the press? 
O'DONNELL: I have a perverse relation- 
ship to untruths about me: I love them. 
Every untrue thing said about me publicly 
means people know less of the truth, and 
that means I still have my privacy. I once 


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told one of the Kennedy cousins about 
it. I said, *You know, I love it when they 
get things completely wrong about me, 
because it means I still have my privacy." 
Like other Kennedys, throughout his life 
he'd fought against untruths about him- 
self and his family. “You mean it's a good 
thing?" It was a revelation for him. 
PLAYBOY: What's a favorite untruth 
printed about you? 

O'DONNELL: In the past couple of months 
it was written that I was some kind of 
barroom brawler and carouser, which I 
think is great, especially as it contrasts 
with my deep dark secret, one I haven't 
revealed publicly. 

PLAYBOY: What haven't you wanted peo- 
ple to know? 

O'DONNELL: My big dark secret is I've 
never had a drink 
in my life. I've never 
been drunk in my 
life, and I've never 
taken a drug. 
PLAYBOY: That’s your 
deep dark secret? 
For most well-known 
people, that would 
be the untruth. Why 
have you hidden it? 
O'DONNELL: That fact 
would generate a set 
of presumptions. 
PLAYBOY: Such as? 
O'DONNELL: It would 
suggest a tremen- 
dous amount of 
behavioral conserva- 
tism, and that's just 
not the case. It also 
would suggest a kind 
of intolerance, which 
isn't the case either. 
То some people it 
suggests a kind of 
discipline that's abso- 
lutely not present. I 
wish I had that dis- 
cipline in the face of 
ice cream. I just don't 
have an attraction to 
the most corrupting 
and dangerous of 
consumptions. 
PLAYBOY: Did you 
abstain as a reaction 
to the alcoholism and 
addiction you'd seen growing up? 
O'DONNELL: Every guy was drunk every 
Friday and Saturday night by the time he 
was 11 years old. Most of them started 
around the age of 10. Everybody was drunk 
by the time they were 11. By the time they 
were 12, they were seriously drunk every 
Friday and Saturday night. Some of them 
never came out of that. But that's not why 
I never did it. I simply hated the taste of 
it. I had nothing against it. I just wouldn't 
put something in my mouth that I hated 
the taste of. It became a mostly faulty girl- 
getting strategy. My teenage strategy was, 
“ГІ be the one who's not puking. Let's see 
if that works." It turns out the girls in my 
neighborhood weren't interested in you 
no matter what you did, so it didn't work. 
I was well into adulthood until somebody 


©2011 Playboy 


said to me, ^Well, you know, it can help 
on a date if a girl has had a drink." And I 
went, “Hmm, maybe that's why I'm behind 
the curve." 

PLAYBOY: Besides your abstinence and 
lack of luck with girls, how else would 
you describe your childhood? 
O'DONNELL: As I said, our neighborhood 
in Dorchester was almost entirely Irish, 
and I learned one of the most important 
things about my culture by watching tele- 
vision. I'm not sure I've learned anything 
since by watching television. When I was 
a kid, Carroll O'Connor, star of All in the 
Family, was on The Merv Griffin Show, and 
they were talking about Irish culture. 
Merv was asking about when O'Connor 
went back home to his neighborhood 
after he'd become a success and said, 
“That must have been the return of the 
conquering hero." O'Connor responded, 
"Oh, you know, the Irish would much 
prefer you come back in failure." On my 
Little League team, the best thing you 
could do was get a walk. You didn't want 
to strike out; that was embarrassing. But 
the other embarrassing thing would be 
to hit a home run. 

PLAYBOY: Were your parents hard to 
please like that? 

O'DONNELL: They were exceptions. My 
father was a Boston cop who would sit on 
the witness stand being cross-examined 
by lawyers and think, I could do that. And 
he did. He had to go to school at night, 
because he didn't graduate from college, 
and he became a lawyer. That's the kind 
of achievement story that doesn't belong 
in my culture. Everyone told him, “You 
can't do this. You will fail." 

PLAYBOY: How are you treated now when 
you go home to your old neighborhood? 
O'DONNELL: The good thing about my 
culture's alienation from achievement is 
that people are never overly impressed 
by it. They never think someone has to 
be looked up to because of what they've 
done occupationally. They take people as 
they think they are. If you get some fancy 
job, they're going to be looking for you to 
be a jerk about it, and they expect you to 
be. And if you're not, then you're okay. 
PLAYBOY: Even after you went off to 
Harvard, worked for a U.S. senator, 
worked in Hollywood and had your own 
television show? 

O'DONNELL: These aren't people who get 
impressed. These are people who are 
never disappointed in a politician because 
they're not childish enough to believe what 
a politician says while running for office. 
'They tend not to be disappointed by a 
lot of things in life or by a lot of people, 
because they're suspicious of appearances 
and promises. These aren't people who 
end up with mortgages they can't afford in 
some sort of delusion-driven deals. These 
are people who tell you what they think, 
whether you want to hear it or not, which 
is why this is probably a pretty good job 
for me. I can say whatever I want about 
whatever is going on in the world. No one 
tells me what to say. No one tells me what 
not to say. No one ever will. 


Jagger 

(continued from page 59) 
27, I feel comfortable expressing myself 
through my body." 

Not that she’s modest off camera. “I’m 
kind of a topless person,” she admits. If Lizzy 
Jagger is your house guest, she will dig up 
your lawn to put in a vegetable garden—and 
she'll probably take her shirt off while she's 
at it. "I'm quite European," she adds, “so 
when I'm at the beach, I prefer to be top- 
less." She has narrowly dodged citations 
for indecent exposure in the United States. 
"Because they could tell I was foreign," she 
explains, “they understood." 

Although she spends much of her time 
these days in Los Angeles and New York, 
Lizzy was raised in London. Between Stones 
tours (when she's to be found backstage at 
every show, "helping the crew," as she says), 
trips with her family and her own travels 
(she's a working model), she has almost 
filled her sixth passport. 

Her parents made sure she didn't get 
tangled up in the dark side of rock and 
roll. “Му father, being English, taught me 
which forks to use and how to have polite 
conversation," she says about her upbring- 
ing. "And my mother, being Texan, taught 
me the ‘yes sir, по sir' kind of thing. They 
both have very good manners." As for 
Lizzy's musical preferences, she's all for 
variety. Her tastes span from Kraftwerk 
to classical to Louis Prima. Her favorite 
Stones song, for the moment at least, is 
"She's a Rainbow." ("She comes in colors 
everywhere/She combs her hair/She's like 
a rainbow....") 

Her next adventure will be the free- 
wheeling Burning Man (*My favorite 
American festival," she says). She has big 
plans: She and a friend bought a double- 
decker London bus and plan to drive it 
from Los Angeles to the Nevada desert 
(at 40 miles an hour), transporting sun- 
screen, catsuits and a 50-foot cloth woman 
they made. “All-natural fibers and scrap- 
wool stuffing," Lizzy explains. "And she'll 
double as furniture. You can jump around 
on her like a bouncy castle." Is the giant 
dressed? “Oh no. She's naked. She's woman. 
We wouldn't make her wear clothes." 

Another of Lizzy's great passions: the 
water. She loves to be on the beach and 
to swim in the ocean. One of her greatest 
vices, she reveals, is luxuriating in long hot 
baths—sometimes for an hour, sometimes 
two. “I love being in the water so much, 
my friend and I are getting mermaid tails 
made," she tells us. Apparently, not only 
are custom-made mermaid tails with flip- 
pers available, they actually work in water. 
And there are coaches who give lessons on 
how to swim with them. 

"I think we'll take them into the ocean 
and confuse some sailors," Lizzy says. Happy 
sailors, presumably. Her other destination: 
the Grotto at the Playboy Mansion. ^We'll do 
some pictures for fun," Lizzy says (giggling, 
of course). *It looks like a real mermaid 
domain." Count us in. 


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PLAYBOY 


118 


CHEF 
(continued from page 85) 


were so far out of the question that I felt 
no envy. One evening in the White Horse 
Tavern I won two bucks in an arm-wrestling 
contest and turned the money immediately 
into a large corned beef sandwich. There 
was a place near Times Square where you 
could get a big piece of herring and two 
slices of rye bread for 15 cents. When you’re 
19 you’re propelled by the non-calorie fuel 
of hormones so much so that when I'd 
return home to Michigan, my father would 
regard my skinniness and say that I might 
eventually return home weighing nothing. 
At that age you're always hungry but are 
too scattered to figure out how to address 
the problem. 

Cooking is in the details and is not for 
those who think they must spend all of their 
time thinking large. This morning I burned 
my Jimmy Dean hot-pepper sausage patty 
because I was on the phone speaking with 
a friend about another friend's cancer. Yes- 
terday morning I ruined a quesadilla by 
adding too much salsa because I was busy 
revising a poem. How can I creatively and 
irrelevantly interfere with a proper quesa- 
dilla? It's easier to screw up while cooking 
than driving, both of which suffer grossly 
from inattention. 

You start with hunger and then listen to 
the chorus, small, of two daughters and a 
wife. If the weather is fair you look out the 
window at one of your several grills and 
smokers and then head for the freezer or 
grocer. When cooking solo at the remote 
cabin we used to own and sadly lost, every- 
thing depended on my captious moods, 
which in turn depended on how well the 
work went that day and the nature of the 
news from New York or Los Angeles. Your 
immediate survival can depend on the 
morale boost of a good dinner. I recalled 
a day when I got fired (for arrogance) yet 
again from Hollywood and the murk of 
the dismissal was easily leavened by grilling 
a baby lake trout, about a foot long, over 
an oak fire, basting it with dry vermouth, 
butter and lemon. Minor disappointments 
over an inferior writing day could be allayed 
with a single chicken half basted with a pri- 
vate potion called "the sauce of lust and 


violence." This recipe is hard to screw up, 
so you can easily consume a full bottle of 
Cótes du Rhóne during preparation. 

I've talked to a couple of prison war- 
dens about how food is the central morale 
item for us caged mammals. At the cabin 
I'd even walk a couple of hours to ensure a 
sturdy enough appetite to enjoy a meal. I 
have regularly observed in both New York 
City and Paris that intensely effete cooking 
is designed for those without an actual appe- 
tite. You have to be a tad careful about your 
excesses because you can't make a lasting 
philosophical system out of cooking, hunt- 
ing, baseball, fishing or even your sexuality. 
Life is brutal in its demand for adequate 
contents, but the very idea of leaving out 
cooking mystifies me. Life is so short, why 
would you not eat well or bring others to 
the pleasure of your table? 

Men learning to cook often start with the 
BBO grill, perhaps because they have been 
roasting meat over fire for a couple of hun- 
dred thousand years. Of course women do it 
equally as well, but then they must think, Let 
the dickhead go at it; I'm tired of doing all 
of the cooking. There is no better insurance 
for a long-lasting marriage than couples 
who cook together or a man who engineers 
the meals a few times a week to release his 
beloved of the monotony. 

It is quite impossible for a man to do any- 
thing without a touch of strutting vanity, 
and as the years pass a man will trip over 
his smugness in the kitchen or at the grill. 
A friend who is normally a grill expert got 
drunk and literally incinerated (in a tower- 
ing flame) a 10-pound prime rib in front of 
another friend, who had laid out the 200 
bucks for the meat, which ultimately tasted 
like a burned-out house smells. And there 
must be hundreds of thousands of instances 
of the one dish a neophyte can cook. You 
hear “Wait until you try Bob's chili" or “You 
won't believe Marvin's spaghetti sauce!" as if 
there were only one. Bob's chili had a large 
amount of celery in it, which exceeds in her- 
esy the idea that God is dead, while Marvin's 
pasta sauce had more oregano in it than a 
pizzeria would use in a week. 

Currently the overuse of rosemary among 
bad cooks in America must be viewed as 
a capital crime. The abuse of spices and 
herbs is a hallmark of neophyte cooking 


ME! ME! PLEASE, 
ME! I LOVE BIG 


and enjoyed only by those with brutish pal- 
ates. I admit my guilt early on in this matter, 
recalling the upturned faces of my daugh- 
ters and their glances, “What in God's name 
did you put in here, Dad?" 

I admit to obsessions that by definition 
can't be defined, as it were. Once on my way 
north to the cabin I stopped in an Italian 
market in Traverse City, Folgarelli's, which 
helped shape and enlighten the eating hab- 
its of the area, and told the proprietor, Fox, 
that I needed seven pounds of garlic. Fox 
was curious which restaurant I owned, and 
I said it was just me at my cabin, where the 
nearest good garlic was a 120-mile drive. 
'To start the season in Michigan's Upper 
Peninsula, where many years there still 
was remnant snow on the ground in May, I 
needed to make a rigatoni with 33 cloves of 
garlic in honor ofthe number of years Christ 
lived. Fox Folgarelli seemed sympathetic to 
my neurosis as he built my sandwich out of 
mortadella, imported provolone, salami and 
a splash of Italian dressing. Food lovers are 
not judgmental of one another's obsessions. 
Many years later when I sat down in France 
with 11 others to a 37-course lunch (only 
19 wines) that took 13 hours, no one ques- 
tioned our good sense. Nearly all the dishes 
were drawn from the 18th century, so there 
was an obvious connection to the history of 
gastronomy, though in itself that wouldn't 
be enough to get me on a plane to Bur- 
gundy. When I have been asked dozens of 
times what it cost, a vulgar American preoc- 
cupation, I have offered a uniform answer: 
"About the price of a Volvo, but none of us 
wanted a Volvo. We also saved money by not 
needing dinner." 

Тһе biggest corrective in my cooking was 
to become friends and acquaintances with a 
number of fine chefs. Early on it was Alice 
Waters and Mario Batali. My friendship with 
Mario led me to Tony Bourdain. When my 
70th birthday came up, Mario, April Bloom- 
field from the Spotted Pig and Adam Perry 
Lang came out from New York City and 
Chris Bianco from Phoenix. We had a dozen 
lovely courses, ending with 1937 Cháteau 
d'Yquem, 1937 Madeira and 1938 Armagnac 
to get close to my birth year. On another 
trip Mario brought Loretta Keller from San 
Francisco and Michael Schlow from Boston, 
the fastest knife I've ever seen. 


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PLAYBOY 


120 


The immediate lesson of being in the 
kitchen with a fine or great chef is humility. 
You properly want to go hide behind the 
woodpile until the dinner bell. You are a 
minor tennis club player from South Dakota 
in the presence of Roger Federer. What 
astounds you other than the product is the 
speed and dexterity with which they work. 
You feel like a sluggard because you are a 
sluggard. I can truthfully say that I wrote 
my novella Legends of the Fall in nine days, 
but by then I had 20-plus years of practice: 
The same with chefs. There are no accidents 
or miracles, just hard work accompanied 
by taste. 

It is a somber situation with the best home 
or amateur chefs. When I watch my eldest 
daughter, Jamie, 40 years after our first for- 
ays into French cooking, I am aware that 
I have fallen behind her until I’m around 
the corner out of sight, but then after uni- 
versity she worked in New York for Dean 
& DeLuca catering. When I cook and learn 
from my friend Peter Lewis from Seattle I 
remind myself that he owned the restaurant 
Campagne for about 15 years. In France my 
friend the writer and book dealer Gérard 
Oberlé, who hosted the 37-course lunch, 
can bone a lamb shoulder in minutes, while 
I take a half hour. And who else makes a 
lovely 16th century stew out of 50 baby pigs’ 


noses? The owner of the vineyard Domaine 
Tempier, Lulu Peyraud, now in her 90s, has 
cooked me a dozen meals, and a few courses 
of each have caused goose bumps. You watch 
closely and hopefully manage the humility 
of the student again. 

Cooking becomes an inextricable part of 
life and the morale it takes to thrive in our 
sodden times. A good start, and I have given 
away dozens of copies, is Bob Sloan’s Dad’s 
Own Cookbook. There is no condescension in 
the primer. Glue yourself to any fine cook 
you meet. They'll generally put up with you 
if you bring good wine. Don’t be a tight- 
wad. Owning an expensive car or home and 
buying cheap groceries and wine is utterly 
stupid. As a matter of simple fact you can 
live indefinitely on peanut butter and jelly 
or fruit, nuts and yogurt, but then food is 
one of our few primary aesthetic expenses, 
and what you choose to eat directly reflects 
the quality of your days. Your meals in life 
are numbered and the number is diminish- 
ing. Get at it. 


From Man With a Pan: Culinary Adventures of 
Fathers Who Cook for Their Families, edited by 
John Donohue, published by Algonquin Books. 


“То have and to hold. ..." 


SEX 2011 


(continued from page 71) 
REAL-LIFE 


ENCOUNTERS 


As part of our surveys, we asked a simple 
open-ended question: "Describe the last time 
you had sex." The responses may be the most 
revealing part of the results. 


A quick doggy style over the couch.— 
Male, 38, California * In the car behind 
Toys R Us before I went to work.— 
Male, 35, Maine * It was depressing. 
I've been married too long.—Male, 31, 
Arkansas * We fucked for 15 to 20 min- 
utes. I ejaculated; she screamed and 
came. We laid there, too lazy to move, 
then fucked again. I ejaculated, but 
she did not come.—Male, 23, Illinois 
* My wife and I had a weekend nap 
together and in the process of snug- 
gling got aroused.—Male, 38, Georgia 
* My apartment with a woman I met 
online. We had oral and vaginal sex. 
I felt excited and anxious.—Male, 40, 
Pennsylvania * Gave oral sex and had 
intercourse on the living-room couch on 
Halloween when it became clear there'd 
be no trick-or-treaters.— Male, 28, Flor- 
ida * Wife and I were horny, so we did 
it.—Male, 33, California * Side by side 
with partner's arms cuffed behind 
her legs. Vibrator was used.—Male, 
29, New York * Two years ago. It was 
weird because I think we both knew it 
was the last time, but I made it count.— 
Male, 32, Florida * With my husband, 
and I felt loved.—Female, 43, Nevada 
* About 45 years ago with my husband, 
and I feel this survey is a disgrace.— 
Female, 79, Pennsylvania * The woman 
who was having an affair with me ended 
our relationship.—Male, 42, New York 
* [t was with someone I'd been want- 
ing to have sex with for a long time. I 
thought I was in love with him. I was 
disappointed with his performance and 
his size.—Female, 52, South Carolina * 
Dark room, late at night, soft bed, warm 
mate's body next to mine, took her from 
behind.—Male, 60, Kansas * I initiated, 
lights off, oral for her, none for me, 
straight missionary sex.—Male, 41, Con- 
necticut * My husband was deployed for 
almost a year. The sex has been phe- 
nomenal since he got back.—Female, 34, 
Georgia * It was with my partner more 
than five years ago. We are together, 
yet we are practicing celibacy for reli- 
gious beliefs.—Male, 46, New York * It 
was only for his benefit, not mine.— 
Female, 56, Missouri * Decided ahead 
of time we would have it and looked 
forward to it all day.—Male, 61, Ohio * 
Partner knew he was out the door. I was 
ice-cold and bored.—Female, 59, Ari- 
zona * Normal bedroom sex.—Male, 26, 


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PLAYBOY 


122 


Arkansas * After another person’s wed- 
ding with a friend from work.—Male, 
45, Oregon * A spontaneous tender 
moment.—Male, 54, Georgia * Prosti- 
tute in motel.—Male, 74, New Mexico * 
Used oil and a whip. Great way to start 
your day!—Male, 59, Wyoming * The 
last time I had sex was the first time I 
had sex. For the most part I felt I was 
doing the right thing. I was 20 years 
old and still had not lost my virginity.— 
Male, 22, New York * Felt good but no 
orgasm.—Female, 44, New York * Yester- 
day with current and previous partner 
in a threesome on a cruise ship. But 
he didn’t seem to spend enough time 
on me and that made me a little upset, 
but the sex itself was great.—Female, 
43, Connecticut * That’s between me 
and my husband.—Female, 46, New 
Jersey * My birthday in Key West. Win- 
dows open. Could hear the sound of 
the ocean. Lightning flashing in the 
distance.—Female, 59, Nebraska * It was 
probably 40 years ago. I didn’t know 
it would be the last time.—Female, 68, 
New Mexico * Hour-long multiposition 
morning. Close feeling with partner. 
Spanking and noise.—Male, 46, Texas 
* Three years ago, right before my mar- 
riage broke up. I had heard angry sex 
could be good, but I don’t think they 
meant that kind of anger.—Female, 47, 
North Carolina * Oral sex with anal 
stimulation.—Male, 51, Montana * My 
husband likes sex more than me and he 
wants it all the time. I gave it to him on 
Saturday morning after we'd had our 
coffee. Faked the orgasm, but it was still 
fun and worth it because it made him 
so happy.—Female, 42, Illinois * With 
my estranged husband. His family was 


DO YOU | mate 


CONSIDER YOURSELF TO BE? 


Heterosexual 


Gay/Lesbian 


Bisexual 


Other/Not Sure/ 
Decline to Answer 


in the next room.—Female, 35, Florida 
* Visited a close friend and sex partner 
(two times a month). Then I went home 
to my partner who knows about and 
approves of this arrangement.—Male, 
63, Oregon * Boring. Way past meno- 
pause and could punch the person’s 
lights out who developed Viagra.— 
Female, 62, California * A three-day trip 
and we had sex twice.—Male, 54, Ari- 
zona * I am twice divorced and didn’t 
know sex could be so good.—Female, 
46, New Jersey * Having a good day and 
wanted the day to be more complete.— 
Male, 58, Nevada * I woke my wife up 
early one day, rubbed her with oil from 
head to toe, then we made love mission- 
ary for 20 minutes. It was awesome. We 
both came.—Male, 39, Illinois * We came 
home from a night out on the town; we 


never made it past the front door.— 
Female, 47, Pennsylvania * I bet the 
person analyzing these survey results 
is having a perfectly wonderful time.— 
Female, 33, Connecticut * At my age 
it's all great, and I'm glad I lived this 
long to enjoy it.—Male, 69, Michigan * 
Was visiting my ex-boyfriend in another 
state and staying with him. Woke up 
on my birthday and had some fun.— 
Female, 24, Colorado * I requested sex 
and received it from partner.—Male, 57, 
Colorado * My wife is older than me, 
getting into her 40s, but I still find her 
totally hot. We did it in the shower when 
the kids were sleeping.— Male, 39, New 
York * A much younger friend came by 
on a rainy day.—Female, 66, Louisiana 
* [t was awkward because I was trying to 
get over a relationship and my thoughts 
were elsewhere.—Male, 47, Ohio * On 
the floor, watching our new Blu-ray 
porn.—Female, 35, New Mexico * Feel- 
ing lonely and uptight, so masturbated 
to calm myself.—Female, 65, Kansas * 
Picked her up at a bar.—Male, 50, New 
Jersey * I got a blow job and then we 
fucked in the car.—Male, 51, New York 
* My husband woke me at 3:30 A.M. and 
performed oral sex on me.—Female, 48, 
West Virginia * The last time I had sex 
was a same-sex encounter. I was feel- 
ing like what's the use and wishing I 
was with the opposite sex.—Male, 55, 
Oregon * Over six years ago. Online 
dating is a joke. There isn't one decent 
man left over the age of 48.—Female, 
61, California * With a longtime friend 
who revealed she has been in love with 
me for 25 years.—Male, 45, Ohio * This 
morning with my wife. We both woke 
up a little early.—Male, 40, Missouri * 
He was watching porn and I decided 
to initiate it. It was all in the mission- 
ary and didn't last too long, which I 
like.—Female, 26, Texas * Was think- 
ing of my husband all day and acted on 
it.—Female, 34, Pennsylvania * We had 
sex during Dancing With the Stars while 
the kids were getting ready for bed.— 
Female, 40, Pennsylvania. 


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PLAYBOY 


124 


THE DALY SHOW 


(continued from page 66) 
Despite losing, by his own estimate, at 
least $50 million, Daly talks about the time 
he spent in casinos from Tunica, Missis- 
sippi to Las Vegas as if remembering his 
first love. “It felt better than golf,” he 
says, "because you're sitting there and 
you don't have to work at it. Gambling 
is adrenaline. You wanna beat the black- 
jack, you wanna win the slots. You get 
the adrenaline rush. I absolutely loved 
it. Bally's was my favorite until they built 
the Wynn. That high-limit room? When 
I walk in there, I get that chill rush." His 
first taste of playing and winning big was 
in the early 1990s, when he fell in love 
with the $100 slot machine in Tunica. 
"I was the first one to win the jackpot 
of $100,000. I won, like, three or four 
nights іп a row, and I'm going, “1 could 
never lose.' Next thing you know, you lose 
$500,000." He starts talking fast and furi- 
ous, telling blackjack stories with the same 
gusto someone else might reserve for tales 
of catching monster tarpon. “Back when I 
was playing, you could play seven hands 
at $5,000 and have $35,000 on the table. 
Sometimes 10. You could have 70 grand 
sitting up there. You don't have that 
chance on a dollar slot or playing $25 at 
blackjack. I won $400,000 to $500,000 in 
blackjack sittings," he says mournfully. 
Eventually mistakes were made. The 
losses started catching up with Daly. He 


used to have markers in six or seven casi- 
nos, he says. “I was always trying to pay 
markers off. Га owe $800,000 at Bally's 
or at Caesars. I was always robbing Peter 
to pay Paul," he confesses. Then after 
Harrah's bought up all the Vegas casinos 
he cherished, the company banned Daly for 
life. “Гхе written letters to try to get back 
in, but they don't want me," he says. That 
underscores Daly's compulsive relationship 
with risk: He'd try to get into a club that 
didn't want him as a member. 

When he looks back on those gambling 
days, Daly is a paradox of self-love and 
self-loathing. Golf pro Fuzzy Zoeller says 
it best. He explains how Daly can love 
and loathe himself, and the world can do 
the same, but true fans and friends of 
Daly will always look beyond that. ^He 
is a great young man, and deep down 
he has a big, big heart. Some people just 
see us when we're out and about, but on 
tour, we know," Zoeller says. ^We see the 
other side of John Daly." 

Daly easily admits his gambling came 
at a high price but is more dismissive 
about his other addictions and the trou- 
ble they've created. In his 2006 New York 
Times best-seller, My Life In and Out of the 
Rough, Daly casually remarks that he was 
not exactly a poster boy for moderation. 
His binge drinking made him a textbook 
case of conduct unbecoming. There have 
been numerous emergency room visits for 
whiskey overdoses, a hotel-room trashing 
in South Africa, quickie Vegas weddings, 
fines from the PGA, a mandated tour 


“Га invite you in but my wife and children might not understand." 


hiatus and 18 days at the Sierra Tucson 
treatment center, an outpatient stop at 
the Betty Ford Center and a couple of 
serious suicide contemplations. 

His first beer came when he was just 
eight years old, his first Jack and Coke 
at 14. Then, after a grape-stomping ses- 
sion turned their feet purple, he and his 
brother Jamie progressed to drinking the 
homemade wine their dad was making. 
"It actually tasted pretty good. It tasted 
almost like Kool-Aid. That's why we each 
drank two jars. Man, were our heads spin- 
ning," he recalls with a laugh. But, Daly 
reveals, his worst whiskey days came in 
college. His coach told him he needed to 
lose at least 60 pounds to play. ^I didn't 
like eating salads, so I ate dry popcorn and 
drank whiskey out of the bottle—straight 
Jack Daniel's. I lost a ton of weight, and 
he still didn't play me," Daly says of his 
coach, Steve Loy. (Loy won't comment on 
that incident or any of Daly's other sto- 
ries. But he does say Daly was in a bad 
place and not happy with most things in 
his life and that he hopes Daly continues 
to work on his health and vices.) "What's 
funny about me is that people think I'm 
some raging alcoholic who drinks every 
day. I'd classify it as more of binge drink- 
ing. When I'd drink, I'd drink to get 
absolutely hammered," Daly says. 

"I never drank on a tournament. I've 
been hungover many times. I could play 
some damn good golf hungover,” he says 
with a laugh. “But not once have I ever 
drank on a golf course on tour." If you 
subjected him to a random drug test right 
now, as he says the PGA did five times in 
2010, all you'd find is a lot of caffeine, 
nicotine and a couple of Viagras every 
now and then. Daly knows the gastric 
band surgery he had in 2009 has every- 
thing to do with his 120-pound weight 
loss, and he nonchalantly admits it has 
also got something to do with his newly 
sober spirit. But Daly truly believes that 
he simply outgrew the bingeing. He grew 
weary of the late nights. "I just didn't like 
to drink anymore. I don't know why. I 
just like getting in and getting to sleep at 
a decent hour now and not hanging out 
with nothing going on. Everybody goes 
through that," he says. 


Glen Waggoner, co-author of both of 
Daly's autobiographies, says that what 
went wrong with Daly's kind of excess 
was that his abuse was extreme. "When 
you smoke and eat the way he did, then 
self-medicate with alcohol and beer, then 
get up and shake it off and play golf, it 
takes a toll," he explains. 

Not all of Daly's obsessions had to go. 
There was по real need to quit sex. “I got 
my first piece when I was 17 years old, 
and then I was crazy about it," he says. 
His sexual summit was during the 1991 
Masters, when he and his second wife, 
Bettye, had sex 10 times in one day. He 
hadn't qualified and was in a foul mood, 
so he got in bed with Bettye, turned on 
the last round of the tournament, turned 
off the sound and went at it. They lis- 
tened to country legend Randy Travis 


and screwed like crazy. “For me it was a 
personal record,” he claims in his book. 
Then there was a girlfriend he met in 
1998, who had a more fluid sexuality 
than Daly was used to and was open to 
threesomes. Daly speaks wistfully of those 
days. “She liked other women. I loved it. 
I'm not gonna lie. What man wouldn't?" 
he asks. He claims he never touched the 
other girls. She would *do things" with 
the girls while he “did things" with her. “I 
loved watching her get it on with another 
woman. It's beautiful," he says. 

Another story about her sounds like 
a scenario straight out of a soft-porn 
movie. She and Daly went to a club in 
Augusta, Georgia during Masters week- 
end in 2000. High-end strippers had 
been imported from Atlanta. Private 
rooms were available. They started call- 
ing in more strippers as though ordering 
rounds of Jack and Cokes. She took her 
clothes off, started dancing on the pole 
and again ordered in more strippers. 
Daly says, "This goes on for four or five 
hours," sounding quite proud and not 
the slightest bit remorseful. 

Nights like that weren't an issue back 
then, because money was never an issue. 
Even with the gambling tribulations and 
casino-marker debt, Daly says, “money 
was nothing and it kept coming in and 
kept coming in." There was a big deal 
with Reebok and one with Wilson. Wilson 
gave Daly a 10-year deal for $30 million 
but let him go in 1997. But he still had 
$9 million in his pocket. “I wasn't used 
to that," Daly says. He gave an ample 
supply away to help his parents, his sib- 
lings, his friends—and then people who, 
he says, would leech, leech, leech from 
him. "When I got a lot of money, I was 
trying to buy friends, I think. I was pay- 
ing people to love me." 

'The fans, though, seem to love him rich 
or poor. During the PGA practice round 
at Kohler, Daly never said no to a fan 
wanting an autograph, nor was he sanc- 
timonious about the disruptions. Instead, 
he appeared to be basking in the ado- 
ration, which would fuel his next hole. 
Тһе steady stream of encouragement 
came not just from spectators but from 
tour marshals as well. *Go get 'em, John," 
“Nice job at the British, John,” “Good 
luck, man,” “Love your pants,” “Bring 
back the mullet, buddy” and “You’re not 
stuck up like the other guys, Mr. Daly.” 
In one round of golf he signed about 30 
autographs at each hole. 

As Zoeller says, the fans seem to be able 
to see the other side of Daly, the side that 
has a passion for more than just the game. 
He has squandered some years, but Daly’s 
gift for golf is the thread that connects 
the highs and lows. He remembers hav- 
ing the same daydream over and over as 
a kid. “I would always dream about me 
and Palmer or me and Nicklaus coming 
up the 18th hole when I was practicing as 
a young kid. ‘I gotta make this 20-footer to 
beat Jack or Arnold or Watson or Fuzzy, 
he says, praising the Bay Ridge Country 
Club for being his milieu to play out his 
boyhood fantasies. “You know, every sport 
has boundaries, but in golf there’s a lot 


more ofthem. You got OBs, you got haz- 
ards, you got lakes, you got layups. It’s not 
like tennis, where you see the court and 
you just gotta keep it in that little bitty 
square. In golf, you’re looking at 300 acres 
sometimes, and every hole is different,” he 
explains. “Every boundary is different.” 


As Daly glances at the guitar he has leaned 
against the couch, he smiles. Country 
music, even just the talk of it, is his favorite 
subject. He rattles off his favorite singers, 
such as Kenny Chesney, George Strait and 
Lynyrd Skynyrd. He talks about playing 
his own country music live and recording a 
little, but really, he’s trying hard to get the 
hang of songwriting, he says. "I'm usually 
on my bus, and I have a lot of downtime. 
You write it, you sing it," Daly says. Daly's 
friends Kid Rock and Darius Rucker, for- 
merly of Hootie and the Blowfish, who have 
both had success in country music without 
taking the straight-to-Nashville path, always 
told him to write everything down on a 
music pad. And Mark Bryan, another mem- 
ber of Hootie, thinks that's what makes the 
music on Daly's most recent album, J Only 
Know One Way, good. “This is not about 
having a bunch of Nashville cats behind 
him. It's about his sincerity,” Bryan says. 
“Не has this all-or-none attitude. He bares 
his soul." Daly may be slim and sober now, 
but Bryan says that has little to do with his 
personality. Drinking didn't make him who 
he is. ^A little less crazy, a little less apt to 
go to a strip club at two A. u., is how Bryan 
describes him now. "But you'd never be 
able to change the intrinsic character that is 
John Daly. He's John Daly, regardless." 

'The only addictions Daly still clings to 
are Marlboros and Diet Coke. From the 
early-morning tee time till he finally goes 
to sleep, not much stops the constant 
back-and-forth of both. He claims he goes 
through at least 15 Diet Cokes and two 
packs of Marlboros a day. When he fin- 
ishes one Diet Coke, the can becomes an 
ashtray for his next cigarette. Daly gives in 
to these last two cravings, plus one more: a 
postgame soak in the tub. It is the refuge he 
deserves, despite what the day brings. 

If you could see Daly naked as he emerges 
from the bathwater, you'd see two small 
scars. The first is on his right shin, from a 
blow with a sand wedge that Daly says Loy 
delivered in college. The second is where 
a port sits under the skin in his abdomen, 
from the gastric band surgery. Those two 
scars may fade in time, but the ones on his 
psyche are permanent. They come from a 
life lived by putting himself first, and while 
they've taken some of the swagger out of 
him, they've left plenty of ego intact. So 
by the end of PGA Championship week in 
Kohler, Daly has withdrawn from the tour- 
nament, claiming he tore his rotator cuff 
on a bunker shot on the first hole. It turns 
out it isn't torn, just sprained. Regardless, 
he is not going to make the cut at the last 
major of the year. And that's not a score a 
man like Daly wants to post. 


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PLAYBOY 


GIRL NEXT DOOR 


(continued from page 61) 

Not so the lover of the girl next door. He 
might not chop off women’s heads or feed 
razor blades to children, but he has been 
seen kicking cats, urinating against a movie- 
postered wall outside the tavern near the 
railway station, punching away the rearview 
mirrors of parked cars just for fun and passing 
down the aisles of the supermarket, knocking 
down the husband of the girl next door’s care- 
fully stacked cereal boxes and toilet paper rolls, 
shouting out obscenities all the while about the 
sexual shortcomings of the husband of the girl 
next door and the bizarre proclivities of his 
wife. To whom he is also cruel. Making her 
crawl around naked on all fours on her freshly 
mowed front yard, barking at the mailman 
and howling at the moon, if there is one, while 
smacking her exposed backside with a table 
tennis paddle is the least of his public cruelties, 
and no one knows nor scarcely dares imagine 
what goes on inside the house. It’s not clear to 
anyone what the girl next door sees in him. 
Maybe nothing at all. Perhaps she merely per- 
ceives that the plot of the movie is changing 
and this is now her part in it. 

As to that, the mother of the husband of the 
girl next door knows all too well what must 
happen next. It’s like turning the page. You 
don’t want to because what happens next is 
not nice, but even if you don't, it’s all there 


I Tep ose Wo MADS ос OURS 

Te MAKE SURE WE APARTMENT WAS 
SFOTLESS WHEN WE вос BACK FROM 
VACATIOA) WEEN AND INSTEAD (T£ AS 
FILTHY AS A BUZZARDS BUNGHOLE, 
AST THAT E мро Коом) H 


“THATS WE CAST STRAW! 
You HAVE To BE (А) THIS 
CONTRY CEGALLY Te FULL 


on the next page anyway and won't go away, 
and if you don't turn the page, you don't do 
so at your own peril, for the story will move 
remorselessly on without you, and from its 
perspective, which may be the only one that 
counts, you no longer exist. She purchases a 
number of weapons suggested to her by the 
novels she reads and sets them out for her 
son to choose among them, including a cross- 
bow, an ice pick, the assault rifle most favored 
by professional assassins, a battle-ax, a pair of 
holstered six-shooters, a dart gun with poison 
darts, a modified Winchester, a sword, a spear, 
a scimitar. In one of her novels, the villains 
used what they called an advanced tactical 
laser, which could ruin whole cities—her son 
saw the movie made from the book and said it 
was awesome—and that sounded like just the 
right thing, but when she wrote away for one, 
they told her that it was still in development 
and put her on their mailing list. 

The husband of the girl next door is not 
by nature a vindictive killer, easily consumed 
by jealous rage; he is more like the decent 
lovable heroes of heartwarming family com- 
edies, but, reluctant though he is, he also 
understands that the choice is not his; the 
whole town is out there, filling up the seats, 
as it were, standing in the aisles, waiting 
for him to do what he must. He passes his 
mother’s arms display day after day, pick- 
ing up one weapon, then another, aiming 


JUST Lock Ат This PLACE, WITH ALL 
THe Медеу I PAY WEM, yo op TK 
THE Сот Would BE SO CLEAN, 
THEY COULD WATEH YOU EAT etc 
Tw ND 
ОҚ, МАССА U 
TUATS WHAT You 
PAY THEM FoR- 


them, swinging them, then putting them 
down again. Nothing seems right. Finally, 
looking for inspiration, he goes to the mov- 
ies, this time—for the first time since their 
marriage—without the girl next door. 

The feature film is a Western about a sing- 
ing cowboy who, in and around his musical 
serenades, has to save his town from a gang 
of killer outlaws, a task complicated by the 
fact that, like the husband of the girl next 
door, the cowboy is reluctant simply to shoot 
his adversaries as anyone else would do. 
Instead, he pushes one outlaw into a bank 
vault and locks it, lassos two of them with 
a single throw, has his trained horse kick 
another and knock him out, sets an inge- 
nious trap that leaves yet another outlaw 
and his horse swinging upside down from 
a tall tree, and the sixth turns himself in in 
tears after hearing the cowboy sing a heart- 
wrenching ballad about a dying mother and 
her ungrateful son. At the end of the movie, 
all six will be hung in a line on a single scaf- 
fold while the cowboy croons a closing ode 
to rough justice, but first there’s the matter 
of the outlaw leader, a cruel and violent man 
who bears a certain resemblance, behind his 
untamed black beard and shaggy brows, to 
the lover of the girl next door. This one the 
cowboy chases down on his horse, leaping 
from the saddle and wrestling the villain to 
the ground. This happens at the edge of a 


A, Gad! N Even Цар THAT Gey FRA 

KATZ'S DEL CATERING THEIR PARTY. 

= CAN TELL BECAUSE THERE’S 

CONEY ISLAND WHITEFISH ALL OVER 
THE Мамо ROOM, 


I STEPPED IN SOMETHING. 
Bo I Don't KNow 
WHAT LT (S> 
ме. DUCK- 


OX TUE OTHER HAND, 
IT TAKES А REAL MAN Т Do 
А WOMANS WORE- 


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cliff and the outlaw manages to push the 
cowboy over it, but the cowboy grabs a shrub 
and hauls himself back up to the top. The 
enraged outlaw rushes at him, trying to kick 
him off again, loses his footing and plum- 
mets to his own death, yowling all the way. 
This is the method the husband of the girl 
next door decides to use. 

So, though he has never ridden one before, 
he rents a horse, and when the lover ofthe 
girl next door returns from his latest round 
of wickedness (he has been writing obscene 
messages with soap on car windows, mostly 
directed at the husband of the girl next door, 
and throwing rocks at street lamps), he goes 
galloping after him. There are no cliffs in this 
town, nothing much steeper than the street 
curb, but that will have to do. He leaps from 
the horse and precisely at the right moment, 
congratulating himself as he leaves the saddle. 
Of course, in the movies they use stuntmen, 
and he is not one. The girl next door comes 
to visit him in the hospital to bring him ham- 
burgers from their favorite after-movie fast 
food place (for sentimental reasons only; for 
him to be able to eat them at this time, they 
would have to be pureed) and to show him 
their baby, which she delivered, she says, 
last night at the movies. When he asks, she 
tells him that the movie was a science fiction 
thriller about invading aliens from outer 
space who eat cars and masturbate against 
skyscrapers and suck up electricity like sodas 
through a straw, but she doesn't know the 
ending because they turned off the movie and 
turned on the lights so everybody could help 
her have the baby. He doesn't ask whether it's 
a girl or a boy and she doesn't say. 

Meanwhile, the lover, who has, with breast- 
beating whoops, installed himself in the house 
of the girl next door, is terminally silenced 
by a poisoned dart, assassin unknown. At 
the funeral, the lover's widowed wife gives 
an impassioned graveside speech about the 
impact of the cinematic art on family har- 
mony and the abiding terror, felt by all, of 
denouement. Life for some is an epic, she 
says, but for most of us it's nothing but titles 
and trailers and a slow fade to black. This 
address resonates with the other mourners 
and goes some way toward helping them 
forgive the wicked deeds of the deceased. 
Afterward, the widow tells the girl next door 
that she has her eye on her husband when 
he comes out of the hospital. I want to show 
him, she says, what's beyond the frame. 

Overhearing her, the mother of the hus- 
band of the girl next door, who is also now the 
grandmother of the child of the husband of 
the girl next door and his wife, is not certain 
what trailers are, but she does know that, in 
spite of plot's infinite vagaries, what's outside 
the frame is actually in it, in the way that all 
the pages of a book, those seen and unseen, 
read and unread, are between its covers, and 
no page from another book will ever fit per- 
fectly inside it. Consequently, she decides not 
to dismantle the arsenal she has assembled 
while she waits to see what the turning of the 
next page brings. As the village schoolmas- 
ter in the novel she is currently reading says, 
as he is about to strike a recalcitrant student 
with a wooden ruler: Only in eternity, my 
child, does one thing not follow another. 


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0710363-010633 


5 140363 26587 


Pr 


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who lost their loved ones 


|: PLAYMATE NE 


HELP CENTERFOLD HIROMI OSHIMA REBUILD 
JAPAN IN THE WAKE OF THE TSUNAMI 


On March 11 the world awoke to terrible news: Japan had been dev- 
astated by a massive earthquake and ensuing tsunami. Our thoughts 
immediately went out to Tokyo-born Playmate Miss June 2004 Hiromi 
Oshima. Fortunately, Hiromi was in the U.S., safe and able to commu- 
nicate with her brother in Japan. He had lost power and suffered minor 
repercussions from the natural disasters but all in all was uninjured. *I 
couldn't catch my breath," Hiromi says. *My heart shattered for those 
and homes." Because Japan's struggles will remain long after this catastro- 
phe stops being headline news, Hiromi asks that we continue to show our support. She has designed 
a T-shirt she is selling on hiromioshima.com. Proceeds will go to rebuilding efforts in Japan. 


NICHOLE VAN CROFT 
TO OPEN AMERICA'S 
NEXT GREAT 
RESTAURANT 


Miss October 2000 Nichole 
Van Croft is bringing 
her Southern charm and 
cooking to New York's 
East Village. According to 
eater.com, the Playmate— 
a regular at restaurant 
impresario Michael *Bao" 
Huynh's ventures— 
recently asked Huynh to 
partner with her to open a 
comfort-food joint on St. 
Mark's Place. Nichole is 
no slouch in the kitchen: 
Huynh asserts that the Play- 
mate makes *the best fried 
chicken and waffles." 


DID VOU 
KNOW = 


Miss August 2010 Francesca Frigo 
helped launch Miami Beach’s DecoBike, 


a rental program akin to Zipcar. 


Fifteen years ago this 
month we introduced 
you to Miss June 1996 

The lovely 


Jamaican-born, Orlando- 


raised beauty was an 
altar girl before her foray 
into the entertainment 
business as part of Walt 
Disney World’s Main 
Street Electrical Parade. 
Then came her gorgeous 
pictorial, followed by 
appearances on Malcolm 
Eddie, Тре Weird Al 
Show, The Keenan Ivory 
Wayans Show, Horace 
Brown’s “Things We Do 
for Love” music video 
and a guest appearance 
on Baywatch. 


Want to SEE MORE PLAYMATES—or more of 
these Playmates? You can check out the Club at 
club.playboy.com and access the mobile-optimized 
site playboy.com from your phone. 


The adventurous brunette Miss April 
2011 Jaclyn Swedberg will appear on 
Playboy TV’s Playboy Trip Patagonia. 


What's on Miss March 2011 Ashley 
Mattingly's DVR? Gossip Girl, Big Bang 
Theory and Boardwalk Empire. 


“Т may be a little 
old-fashioned," 
Miss January 
2011A 

Says, "but 


/ е 

PSI 
the perfect date 
would be dinner 
with great conver- 
sation. I love when 
you get butterflies 
and feel a connec- 
tion—it makes the 
time spenttogether 
exciting." 


MY FAVORITE PLAYMATE 
BY ELAINE HENDRIB 


“Му favorite Playmate is Miss 
February 1990 

She's beautiful, talented, business 
savvy and, above all, an avid ani- 
mal advocate. I love that she is a 
voice for those who don't have 
one. If I were Borat, I would 

want to marry her too!" 


SHANNA MARIE MCLAUGHLIN'S BODY 
IS KICKING ON BLACKBELT TV 


Blackbelt TV's tagline, *Kicks, flicks and chicks!" is 
an accurate one: The network airs martial arts com- 


petitions, fight movies 
and footage of beautiful 
women. It tends to get 
its flicks from a trove 
of 1970s kung fu mov- 
ies and its hot girls from 
us. The network has 
used Playmates Sara Jean 
Underwood and Brittany 
Binger in the past, but its 
new host, or Fight Jock, 
is Miss July 2010 Shanna 
Marie McLaughlin—a 
fan of the Mortal Kombat 
movies. Her on-air name 
is Slammin’ Shanna. 
“Гуе never been a sporty 
girl,” Shanna says, “but 
being a jock is kind of 
cool. I feel buff!” As 
for which karate practi- 
tioner is more dashing, 
Chuck Norris or Ralph 
Macchio, she favors the 
Karate Kid. 


Summer is fast 
approaching, 
which means 
it won't be long 
before guys roll 
out their grills 
and women 
don their biki- 
nis. Baseball 
is in full swing, 
beaches and 
pools are the places to be, and all the cool kids cut 
the workweek short to head to Las Vegas for Ditch 
Fridays at the Palms Pool. This raucous midday bash 
is a festival of skin and social lubrication, and 
it's also the best place to find Playmates at 


play. Here are Miss February 2009 
ko , Miss March 2003 
т Miss May 1998 
Miss November 1998 
i^ Miss July 2000 
\ PMOY 2006 and 
f) PMOY 2009 at the Palms in 
their Bunny suits—soon to be their swim- 
suits.... Then there are those perfect nights 
when you're lucky enough to see a Playmate 
such as PMOY 2007 stride into 
the event you're 


attending. Here's 
our blonde dream 
girl at the launch 
party for FG mag- 
azine's February 
issue at the Holly- 
wood W Hotel... 
To honor the brave 


Miss October 
1977 
waltzed jj 

into our life in 
a shoot enti- 
tled Invitation 
to the Dance. 
She passed 


e 


BIACKBELT 


KICKS * FLICKS-& CHICKS! 


ASHLEY AND JORDAN ARE 
FILLED WITH ZEAL 

We sent Miss December 2010 Ashley Hobbs 
(far left) and Miss October 2006 Jordan Mon- 
roe to Queenstown, New Zealand to report 
on the 42Below Cocktail World Cup. Their 
dispatches include accounts of bungee jump- 
ing and riding in speedboats. “Being a little 
scaredy-cat,” Ashley reports, “I am surprised I 
have tried so many adventurous things while 
being here." It must have been the vodka. 


Miss December 1979 Candace Collins and 


away recently from breast 
cancer, so if you see a star 
twinkling in the night sky, 
that's her dancing. 


men who put their 
lives on the line for 
our country, a bevy 
of Playmates made 
a group of American veterans their valentines. From 
left to right: Miss May 
2006 (crouching), 

Miss January 2010 
Miss February 1999 and Miss 
September 2009 all spent V-day 
at the West Los Angeles Medical Center. 


Желсіз... 
9 
y NL 


40 


Ф 


Standing at an impressive six-foot-two, DID YOu 


Miss May 2009 Crystal McCahill hosted our 
Girls’ Night Out in Chicago. 


Miss December 2000 Cara Michelle holds 
the record as tallest Playmate ever. 


KNOW 


PLAYBOY 


130 


LOUIS C.K. 


(continued from page 88) 
Q13 


PLAYBOY: What is a very drunk Louis 
C.K. like? 

C.K.: You know on shows like Dallas or a mob 
show when somebody goes to a guy's office 
and is made a drink at two in the afternoon? 
Or when you see somebody on a TV show 
having a business meeting and they drink 
whiskey from crystal decanters? I don't 
understand how everyone in that scene 
isn't sleeping. How do you function drink- 
ing like that? I tend to go to sleep when I 
get drunk. 


Q14 

PLAYBOY: Your drunken Twitter rants about 
Sarah Palin are legendary. What don't you 
like about her? 

C.K.: I think it's just fun to say things about 
her. She opens herself up to be a target. 
There's something so self-assured about 
her. Everybody needs to have some self- 
doubt and acknowledgment that they don't 
know what they're doing and that life is 
more complicated than they understand. 
My objection to her is not political. It's just 
aesthetic. It's just humane. She's perfectly 
evil to me, so I like making fun of her in 
ways that have nothing to do with who she 
really is. Look, my saying that Sarah Palin 
has poor Chinese people living in her cunt 
is not political. 


Q15 
PLAYBOY: You wound up sitting next to her 
daughter Bristol on The Tonight Show. How 
did that happen? 

C.K.: I was on my way to Los Angeles to do 
the appearance when the people from The 
Tonight Show said, "Listen, her daughter 
is here. You're not going to say anything 
to her, are you?" They were a little con- 
cerned. And I said, “No, of course not." 
So there was no incident. She was very 
nice to me. I don't blame people for who 
their parents are. 


Q16 

PLAYBOY: One of your first writing gigs 
was for the original Late Night With Conan 
O'Brien. What do you remember about 
those days? 

C.K.: Those were intense days. Every Friday 
we used to think we were getting canceled. 
This executive would come to the Conan 
office and look at all of us with a very kind, 
sympathetic expression, and we'd all be 
like, Well, this is it—we're done. Everybody 
would go to their office and call their agent 
to start feeling around for other work. And 
Conan would roll up his sleeves, take a deep 
breath, get this serious presidential look 
about him and go into his office and have 
a conference call with all the executives to 
push for more time. He always got it. Every- 
body always felt Conan was protecting our 
jobs, not just his. He had more money than 
all of us put together at the time. He was 


very successful already. But he had brought 
all of us to this crazy place, and he kept it 
going. So I learned from him. I still think 
about him. The way he handled the pressure 
and persevered is something I draw from 
now in my own life, like having TV shows 
and trying to keep them on the air. 


Q17 
PLAYBOY: At one point in your career you had 
worked as a writer for Late Night With Conan 
O'Brien, Late Show With David Letterman and 
The Chris Rock Show. Did you worry you 
would get trapped as a talk-show writer? 
C.K.: It's fun for a while. It's a good training 
ground, like college for comedy writers, but 
you have to get out of it. One guy who used 
to push me was Chris Rock. He said to me 
one day, “Why aren't you directing movies?" 
I was like, "What?" And he said, ^You know, 
I'm happy you're here. I feel like I have a 
minor league baseball team somewhere in 
Virginia and you're Barry Bonds, hitting 
home runs for me every day. I'm grateful, 
but what are you doing with your life?" 


Q18 

PLAYBOY: You worked with Rock on your 
directorial debut, Pootie Tang, which has a 
cult following these days. Who has told you 
they're fans? 

C.K.: Metallica and Jack White, and I heard 
a lot of people have it on their tour buses. 
'That's what I always hear. I get e-mails 
from people once in a while, and I guess it 
trends on Twitter. To me it's just this one 
old idea I had, and we played it out for 
what it was worth. 


Q19 
PLAYBOY: What don't you like about your 
body? 

C.K.: I don't care about it. I don't like that it 
doesn't do everything I want it to, but that's 
my fault. I can't blame my body. I haven't 
put in the investment to keep it going. I 
train and I train and I usually hit a peak 
of about two weeks when I feel as if I can 
do whatever I want, and then it starts to 
decline exponentially and daily. 


Q20 

PLAYBOY: You talked about having sex with 
your shirt on during an interview on NPR's 
Fresh Air. 'The segment allegedly got the 
show banned in the state of Mississippi. 

C.K.: I felt pretty bad. I thought it was dumb 
of them, but I felt bad because if you're liv- 
ing in Mississippi and you like Fresh Ай; you 
probably really need it. I live in New York, 
and if they canceled Fresh Air there, I'd have 
a lot of other sources for things I like. But 
if I were in Mississippi, it would make me 
cry if they canceled it. I'm being bigoted, 
but I've traveled all over the country, and 
Mississippi is a thoroughly one-thing state. 
Georgia is the South, but geez, it has Atlanta 
and Athens. It's a really cool state. People 
make fun of Louisiana, but that's where 
New Orleans is, and there are some pretty 
fucked-up, crazy people in Louisiana. Every 
state has its thing. Mississippi, I don't know 


what's there. 


Make someone happy with 
a Gift Subscription to 


PLAYBOY 


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when you give 


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PLAYBOY FORUM 
GOOD CRAZY 


THERE'S A RIGHT KIND OF MAD AND A WRONG KIND OF MAD 
BY JON RONSON 


in front of millions of entertained viewers, I was 
reminded of a conversation I had with Charlotte 
Scott, a reality-TV producer. Scott used to book guests 
for the kind of daytime TV shows on which 
extended families mired in drama and 
tragedy yell at one another 
in front of a studio audi- 
ence. She told me she had 
a secret trick for choosing 
her guests. 
“Га ask them over the 
phone what medication they 
were on," she said. “Тһеуа 
give me a list. Then I'd go 
to a medical website to see 
what they were for, and I'd 
assess if they were too mad 
to come on the show or just 
mad enough." 
“What constituted too 
mad?” I asked her. 
"Schizophrenia was a 
no-no," said Scott. "So 
were psychotic episodes. 
If they were on lithium 
for psychosis we probably 
wouldn't have had them 
on. We wouldn't want them 
to come on and then go off 
and kill themselves." 
"So what constituted just 
mad enough?" I asked. 
"Prozac," said Scott. 
"Prozac's the perfect 
drug. They're upset. I say, 
Why are you upset?’ ‘I’m 
upset because my hus- 
band’s cheating on me, so 
I went to the doctor and 
he gave me Prozac.’ Per- 
fect! I know she’s not that 
depressed, but she’s depressed enough to go to a doctor 
and so she’s probably angry and upset.” 
“Tf they were on no drugs at all, did that mean they prob- 
ably weren't mad enough to be entertaining?" I asked. 
"Exactly," said Scott. 
And that was her trick. 
“Well,” I said, “at least I don't do anything like that." 
Scott peered at me, because we both knew it: I do. АП 
journalists do a version of it. We travel all over the world, pro- 
pelled by something; we sit in people's houses, our notepads 
in hand, and we wait for the gems. And the gems invariably 
turn out to be the madness, the extreme, outermost aspects 
of that person's personality: the irrational anger, the anxi- 
ety, the paranoia, the narcissism—the things that would be 


А s I watched Charlie Sheen spiral into madness 


defined in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disor- 
ders (the American Psychiatric Association's book of mental 
maladies) as disorders. We create stories out of these 
fragments. We know what we do is odd, but nobody 
talks about it. We are, like Scott, on the hunt 

for the right sort of mad. 

I think Charlie Sheen has 
been teetering between 
the right and wrong sorts 
of mad. We don't want 
obvious exploitation. We 
want smoke-and-mirrors 
exploitation. He recently 
appeared on 20/20. "[My 
brain] fires in a way that 
is not from this particular 
terrestrial realm," Sheen 
told the interviewer. 

"Some are saying you're 
bipolar," the reporter said. 

“Wow, what does that 
mean?" Sheen replied. 
"Wow, and then what? 
What's the cure? Medi- 
cine? Make me like them? 
Not going to happen. I'm 
bi-winning." 

Journalists have a habit 
of diagnosing celebrities 
from afar with mental 
disorders. It's a horrible 
trait. But I'm going to do 
it now, joining the legion 
of other armchair shrinks. 
Charlie Sheen probably is 
bipolar. Here's the DSM- 
IV-TR checklist for ^Manic 
Episode”: “Inflated self- 
esteem or grandiosity,” 
“talkative,” “flight of 
ideas” and “excessive 
involvement in pleasurable 

activities that have a high potential for painful consequences 
(e.g., engaging in unrestrained buying sprees, sexual indis- 
cretions or foolish business investments).” 

When we go mad we all go mad in practically identi- 
cal ways. An OCD kid will act in the DSM-defined OCD 
way in his room without ever meeting other OCD kids. 
There’s a compelling argument that the American Psychi- 
atric Association likes to diagnose pretty much everything 
as a mental disorder these days. (The DSM used to be a 
144-page pamphlet; now it's a 943-page brick. Such is the 
increase in new disorders.) But there's no doubt certain 
sorts of madness are tangible, measurable things. 

I think there's a right sort of mad when it comes to political 
and business leadership, too. It's psychopathy. And I don't say 


WorldMags 


this blithely. For the past two 
years I've been interviewing 
chief executives and politi- 
cians. I wanted to test the 
theory held by psychologists 
that the traits that make some 
psychopaths especially adept 
serial killers, fraudsters or 
bank robbers make other psy- 
chopaths brilliant CEOs and 
political leaders. The theory 
goes that psychopaths lack 
empathy and kindness. Their 
brains don't have them. And 
when you take human kind- 
ness out of the equation, all 
that's left is the will to win. 

I went through the 
industry-standard Hare Psy- 
chopathy Checklist with one 
famous CEO at his home in 
Florida. When I got to “отап- 
diose sense of self-worth" we 
both involuntarily glanced up 
at the giant ornately framed 
oil painting of himself that 
hung on the wall behind him. 
When I got to “lack of remorse 
or guilt,” he shrugged and 
said, “You can drown yourself 


WHEN WE GO 
MAD WE ALL 
GO MAD IN 
PRACTICALLY 


IDENTICAL WAYS. 
v 


in sorrow and you cannot do 
anything else. If you're going 
to feel remorse for everything 
you've done in life, you're 
going to be in a home for the 
criminally insane." 

As the morning progressed 
he redefined a great many 
psychopathic traits as busi- 
ness positives. 

Тһе eeriest moment in 
my travels came when I 
interviewed former Haitian 
despot Emmanuel "Toto" 
Constant. In the early 1990s, 
Haiti was in the palm of his 
hand. He controlled FRAPH, 
a powerful death squad that 
terrorized and murdered 
supporters of the then exiled 
democratically elected presi- 
dent, Jean-Bertrand Aristide. 
Now Constant was in prison 
in upstate New York for 
mortgage fraud. 

I met him in the visitors' 
room. "I want people to like 


WorldMags 


FORUM 


me," he kept telling me. 

“То like you?" I asked. 

"I want people to think 
I'm a gentleman," he said. 
“T want people to like me. If 
people don't like me, it hurts 
me. It's important for me to 
be liked." 

“Wow,” I said. “I never 
thought you’d care so much 
about whether people like 
you.” 

“т do.” 

“That’s really surprising,” 
I said. 

I scowled inwardly. There 
was nothing psychopathic 
about him at all. 

“Isn’t that a weakness?” I 
finally said. “Your desperate 
desire to have people like 
you—isn't that a weakness?" 

"Ah no!" Constant said, 
laughing. He waved his 
finger at me. "It's not a 
weakness at all!” 

"Why?" I asked. 

“Tl tell you why." He 
smiled, winked conspirato- 
rially and said, “If people 
like you, you can manipu- 
late them to do whatever 
you want them to do." 

"So you don't really 
want people to like you?" I 
asked. 

"Oh no." He shrugged. 
"I'm giving you my deepest 
secrets here, Jon." 

"How does it work?" I 
asked. “How do you make 
people like you?” 

“Ah, okay,” 
“Watch this....” 

He turned to an elderly 
inmate whose children and 
grandchildren had just left. 

“You have a lovely family,” 
he called to him. 

The man’s face broke 
into a broad, grateful smile. 
“Thanks,” he called back. 

Constant grinned covertly 
at me. 

I was, of course, thrilled. I 
was writing so furiously in my 
notepad it was overflowing. 
He had given me a gem. I 
left the jail, delighted to have 
captured the madness. 

Which is, I suppose, a 
psychopathic way to live 
my life. 


he said. 


Jon Ronson’s latest book is The 
Psychopath Test. 


THE BUNNY 
MYSTIQUE 


A NEW BOOK EXPLORES THIS 
MAGAZINE’S ROLE IN SHAPING 
SEXUAL MORES 


BY JAMES R. PETERSEN 
А tthe close ofthe past century a columnist for Salon.com 


declared “feminism and PLAYBOY one of the great arch- 

enemy pairings in American culture." But it isn't that 
simple. Feminists such as Gloria Steinem, Susan Brownmiller 
and Robin Morgan hijacked the women's liberation movement 
in the late 1970s and 19805, but PLAYBOY hijacked the cul- 
ture. Тһе battles of the 20th 
century have been recycled 
in women's studies programs, 
but the feminist assessment 
of PLAYBOY now seems to be 
changing. Carrie Pitzulo's new 
book, Bachelors and Bunnies: 
The Sexual Politics of Playboy 
(University of Chicago Press), 
is a classic example of the joy 
of discovering a history you 
didn't know. 

А 35-year-old assistant 
professor of history at the 
University of West Georgia, 
Pitzulo challenges the anti- 
PLAYBOY stance of an earlier 
period, viewing those feminists 
as stodgy and antisexual. Her heroines (Betty Friedan, Germaine 
Greer, et al.) come from a time when feminists were first articu- 
lating their vision of equal opportunity, equal pay, etc. 

In this era of Facebook and endless blogs and tweets, it's hard 
to recall that much of the sexual revolution was fought on the 
newsstands. Through her access to PLAYBOY’s archives, Pitzulo 
found evidence of an ongoing dialogue between Hefner and 
America in the pages of the magazine. She mined articles, letters 
to the editor, Advisor columns and Playmate Data Sheets. She 
also uncovered the internal debates—memos between Hefner 
and the editors (both male and female), exchanges between edi- 
tors and contributors—that capture the turmoil of a changing 
culture and the courage it took to be the agent provocateur. 
It's a story an entire generation is largely unaware of. 

Pitzulo critiques Hefner's vision and admits the story is 
complicated but says Hefner's reputation as an antifeminist 
is “misplaced.” The postwar era was a time of crisis. Hefner 
harnessed a rogue male energy and was a major advocate 
for what Barbara Ehrenreich calls the postwar male's "flight 
from commitment." PLAYBOY articles such as Miss Gold-Digger 
of 1953 or Open Season on Bachelors or Philip Wylie's The Career 
Woman may now appear misogynistic, but most people over- 
look their humorous or parodic intent. 

PLAYBOY attacked domestic arrangements that sanctioned 
sex only inside of marriage. Hefner wanted a life beyond these 
domestic traps and went about creating one. When a similar 
concern was voiced by Betty Friedan in The Feminine Mystique, 
it created the second wave of feminists. Hefner crafted a new 
masculinity that was sophisticated and self-sufficient in all areas 
save one—sexual play. Hefner's vision demanded mutuality: 
“Тһе magazine insisted that both men and women should be 


FORUM 


free to explore," writes Pitzulo. "Since men's sexual freedom 
depended upon liberated women, PLAYBOY upheld the increas- 
ingly modern emphasis on heterosexual pleasure as a worthy 
goal for personal fulfillment regardless of gender, in and out- 
side of committed relationships." 

For a younger generation sex is sex; they've never heard the 
term premarital sex, nor known a time when it was considered 
evil. PLAYBOY in the 1950s attacked the traps and manipula- 
tions surrounding so-called moral sex. Hefner invented the 
future in the form ofthe girl next door: “Portraying Playmates 
as active sexual beings," writes Pitzulo, "PLAYBOY 
insisted that women had desire, indeed а right to 


shy of the strident antics of antiporn, antisex feminists. She 
fast-forwards to the "ultimate expression of hip contemporary 
womanhood”—HBO's Sex and the City and recalls that for an 
entire season protagonist Carrie Bradshaw wore a Playboy Rabbit 
Head charm. "Playboy has become resonant with many young 
women— women ofa generation highly suspicious of the label fem- 
inist,” writes Pitzulo. “It is unlikely the largely young and female 
audience of The Girls Next Door are familiar with PLAYBOY's his- 
tory." This audience consists mostly of young women who embrace 
sexual empowerment and look on Hef as a benign figurehead. 
Hefner's unconventional lifestyle—the stuff of 
The Girls Next Door—may have interfered at times 


аза m б 


Spas З UA 7 — 5 š 3 2 = 
desire, just as society assumed men did. (727 2 — - with public knowledge of his good deeds. “But it's 

Hefner and his magazine were at the vanguard of — RU a because of my lifestyle," says Hefner, "that anybody 
battles for free expression, civil liberties and repro- X ee Жәй talks about me. The multiple girlfriends, all that, is 
ductive rights long before they became feminist | f Ye = — a part of the increasing fascination with the brand 

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causes. Women had a strong voice in the pages of Va s) je among women. What is perceived as a problem is 
PLAYBOY—in articles, interviews, fiction and, yes, the 22 277,2 also why people talk about PLAYBOY." 
— Fü 


Centerfold. Pitzulo notes, for example, that Germaine f 
Greer was educating PLAYBOY readers on the issue | f 
of rape two years before Susan Brownmiller's 1975 
catalyst Against Our Will: Men, Women and Rape. 
Pitzulo's investigation stops in the early 1970s, 


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Pitzulo prefaces her concluding chapter with 
a remark from a 2006 interview she conducted 
with Hefner: ^We do live, now, in a PLAYBOY world." 
Hefner's views have been embraced by the Ameri- 
can mainstream and define our sexual politics. 


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READER RESPONSE 


WorldMags 


SELLING THE DREAM 

President Obama is well aware of 
the FDR legacy, but it may be too late 
for him to profit from it ("Closing the 
Deal," April). During the 2008 campaign 
he frequently alluded to the experience 
of the 1930s, and at the onset of his pres- 
idency commentators often likened his 
proposals to the New Deal. But there 
are only a few signs that the shadow of 
Roosevelt has accompanied him to the 
White House. Obama will never be mis- 
taken for FDR as a communicator. During 
the Great Depression, a Southern mill- 
worker said, ^Mr. Roosevelt is the only 
man we ever had in the White House who 
would understand that my boss is a son of 
a bitch." Obama, in contrast, has not been 
able to convey to the millions of jobless 
that he feels their pain. It would improve 
his prospects, and benefit the nation, if 
Obama could more often show the kind of 
empathy he projected so well after the hid- 
eous Tucson shootings. Roosevelt's success 
owed less to his matchless skill at public 
relations than to the visible evidence of 
how the New Deal was changing the face 


President and Mrs. Obama in Tucson. 


of the land—from LaGuardia Airport to 
the great dams in the Pacific Northwest. 
Obama has spent vastly greater sums in 
his stimulus project, and with no chance 
that this Congress will approve signifi- 
cant public works spending, all his hopes 
ride on it. Obama's best course is to offer 
a dramatic reckoning, if he can, of how 
he has improved the national estate. 

William Leuchtenburg 

Chapel Hill, North Carolina 

Leuchtenburg, professor emeritus of his- 

tory at the University of North Carolina, 
is author of In the Shadow of FDR: From 
Harry Truman to Barack Obama. 


There are two reasons Franklin D. 
Roosevelt was so successful in persuad- 
ing the American public of the merits of 


the New Deal. First, he was the first pres- 
ident who enjoyed the give-and-take of 
press conferences and speaking into a 
radio microphone. The second was that he 
had Stephen Early as his press secretary. 
A former journalist, Early had reported 
for the wire services, Stars and Stripes and 
the newsreels. He had also been FDR's 


FDR's press secretary, Stephen Early. 


advance man when Roosevelt ran unsuc- 
cessfully for the vice presidency in 1920. In 
short, Early had a vast array of media con- 
tacts. It was inevitable that the charismatic 
Roosevelt and the newsman Early would 
choose to take full advantage of every bit of 
technology. Today the White House media 
office is asked to feed a 24-hour news-cycle 
beast, and most press secretaries have not 
been longtime friends of the president 
and/or worked as journalists. As a result, 
the modern press secretary has a high 
burnout rate. We will likely never again 
see a Stephen Early in the White House. 
Linda Lotridge Levin 
Kingston, Rhode Island 
Levin, a journalism professor at the 
University of Rhode Island, is author of The 
Making of FDR: The Story of Stephen T. Early, 
America's First Modern Press Secretary. 


FREEDOM OF MIND 

In April's Reader Response you men- 
tion the dearth of resources for prisoners 
who hope to further their education. An 
organization I co-founded, the nonprofit 
College Guild, believes respect reduces 
recidivism and education inspires respect 
for self and others. That's why we offer 
free, fun, noncredit correspondence 
courses to prisoners anywhere in the 
country with the hope that they will inspire 
an interest in learning. We keep a low pro- 
file, as word of mouth alone keeps us busy. 
In fact, we have a long waiting list, which 
is why we would love to hear from PLAYBOY 
readers who would like to volunteer to 


critique prisoners' work. Your anonymity 
is protected neither inmates nor vol- 
unteers are provided with any personal 
information, and all correspondence 
passes through a central office. We also 
welcome donations: $10 provides diction- 
aries to two prisoners, and $65 supports a 
prisoner for a year. Recently Doris Buffett 
of the Sunshine Lady Foundation agreed 
to match every $6,000 we raise every six 
months for three years. For more infor- 
mation visit collegeguild.org, or write РО. 
Box 6448, Brunswick, Maine 04011. 
Julie Zimmerman 
Brunswick, Maine 
The only similar nonprofit we know of is 
the Prison Scholar Fund (prisonscholarfund 
.org), but after awarding 180 scholarships, 
it has exhausted its funds. 


I am a metal fabricator by trade but sit 
here alone 23 hours a day. Put us to work. 
Prisoners could be raising and growing 
our food and learning to build solar pan- 
els and turbines to provide our electricity. 
We need a system that allows us to sup- 
port ourselves while learning job skills. 

Larry Harris 
Lawrence Correctional Center 
Sumner, Illinois 


GAME FACE 
In the photo of the newly elected 
U.S. representatives that accompanies 


Fighting for face time in a sea of suits. 


ing from behind the third row from the 
bottom, second from the left? It almost 
looks like a Where's Waldo? puzzle. 
Tim Tye 
Royal Oak, Michigan 
You mean Where's Martha? That's Repub- 
lican Martha Roby of Alabama. 


E-mail via the web at letters.playboy.com. 
Or write: 680 North Lake Shore Drive, 
Chicago, Illinois 60611. 


Hits and Misses 


снісасо--Ап analysis by the Chicago Tribune 
found that over a three-year period only 44 
percent of vehicle searches by suburban 
police prompted 
by dog "alerts" 
turned up illegal 
drugs. The rate 
among cars with 
Hispanic drivers 
was even lower, 
at 27 percent. 
Police trainers 
say dogs alert 
even if a car has 
previously held 
drugs. Critics 
argue that offi- 
cers are poorly trained and let their dogs 
circle vehicles until they "find" something. 


Power Down 


moscow—For years state security officials 
who wanted to intimidate opposition groups 
had a handy excuse to raid offices and seize 


FORUM 


MS] NEWSFRONT в 


computers—they claimed they were look- 
ing for pirated Microsoft software. But the 
Washington-based company has told its 
lawyers in Russia not to pursue the cases 
and is offering free software licenses to some 
500,000 advocacy groups, independent 
media and other nonprofits in 12 repressive 
countries, including Russia and China. 


Gift of a Lifetime 


LOS ANGELES—A federal appeals court ruled 
a wealthy businessman must pay $4 mil- 
lion to an ex-girlfriend he allegedly infected 
with genital herpes, because initially he 
had not told her of his condition. A jury had 
awarded the woman $6.75 million, includ- 
ing $2.5 million she said she would need 
for future medical expenses related to her 
STD. The appeals court reduced that part 
of the judgment to $72,000. 


Unsocial Media 

HARTFORD—An ambulance company agreed 
to revise its rules about what workers can 
post online after an employee it had fired 


WorldMags 


How Parents Do It 


LONDON—An evangelical Christian group 
that opposes sex education in public 
schools called for the removal of books 
and teaching packs it deems “obvi- 
ously unsuitable” for students. The 
Christian Institute is concerned the 
government might “sexualize” young 
children with mandatory lessons and 
such required reading as Mummy Laid 
an Egg. The best-selling book contains 
whimsical drawings of how “mummies 
and daddies fit together,” includ- 
ing those at left. Sex educators say 
primary-school lessons focus on the 
differences between male and female 
bodies and privacy, not intercourse. A 
2008 poll commissioned by the BBC 
found 87 percent of the British pub- 
lic wants compulsory sex ed. In the 
U.S. a new Playboy/Harris poll finds 
similarly overwhelming support, with 
83 percent of Americans in favor of 
sex education in public schools. Last 
year Congress allocated $75 million in 
grants over five years for comprehen- 
sive sex ed that discusses abstinence 
and birth control and $250 million 
over five years for abstinence-only pro- 
grams. Of the 47 states that asked for 
the money, just four (Minnesota, North 
Dakota, Texas and Virginia) applied 
only for the just-say-no funds. 


for her Facebook postings complained to 
the National Labor Relations Board. Dawn- 
marie Souza mocked her boss online, calling 
him a “17” (company code for a psychiatric 
patient), and co-workers added supportive 
posts. American Medical Response of Con- 
necticut dismissed Souza, but the NLRB 
says employees are free to discuss work- 
place conditions anywhere they choose. 


Spoil-icious 
WASHINGTON, D.c.—After 17 years of work by 
50 scholars and theologians, the U.S. Con- 
ference of Catholic Bishops has released an 
update of its Catholic Bible. Among other 
revisions, “booty” has become “spoils” and 
an ode to the “ideal wife” is -— 
now "Poem on the Woman ж REIT 
of Worth." The tem — 7 
also changed “virgin” to — 

* 


% 
— 


“young woman” in Isaiah 
7:14 (“the virgin shall be 
with child”) because the 
Hebrew almah doesn’t a 


necessarily mean virginal. p 
Cop „ 


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em : 


Before NATALIA VODIAN- 
OVA became a super- 
model she sold fruit 
on the streets in Rus- 
sia. She has since 
gone on to work for 
Calvin Klein, Louis 
Vuitton, Gucci and 
Chanel. How do 
we know she's a 
supermodel? She's 
wearing a cape. 


You've heard of off-the-rack 
fashion, buthere's the opposite, 
embodied in an outfit designer 
Jean-Charles de Castelbajac 
sent down the runway during 
Paris Fashion Week. 


әре Ii 
Sherri Shepherd of The View called this year's 
Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue "Christian 
PLAYBOY." Its stars often graduate to posing for 
us (Christie Brinkley, Stephanie Seymour, Elle 
Macpherson). Here's hoping we see more of 
136 SI's Rookie of the Year, KATE UPTON. 


Reef hawks its surfwear 
through posters of female 

| posteriors. But in addition 

ы: to being butt men, we аге 
breast men and leg men, so 
here's another side of Reef 
Girl KATIE BERTACCHI. 


ү STEVE TORRES 


STEVE TORRES 


MAX SEAM/MANDERINEMEDIA COM 


Charlie Sheen and Tiger Woods 
have given porn stars main- 
stream press. Sheen boosted 
Bree Olson's DVD sales, 
and former Woods paramour i 
JOSLYN JAMES capitalized 

h Hole. ж” 


y 
lic 


- 2 


PICHICHI/SPLASH NEWS 


ei ا‎ 


At the seventh annual 
Black Eyed Peas benefit 
concert in Los Angeles, 
pop sensation CIARA wore 
a dress that left little to 
the imagination. The sheer 
number barely concealed 
the sultry singer's own set 
of black-eyed peas. 


TIFFANY ROSE/WIREIMAGE.COM 


Sunny Cher 


Meet CHER DAVING, a bikini model with 
excellent genes. Besides having lovely 
eyes, cheekbones and curves, the bright 
USC alum has a rocket scientist father who 
is renowned in the scientific community. 


JASON SUDEIKIS—IN 20Q THE ACTOR AND FUNNYMAN DISHES 
TO ERIC SPITZNAGEL ABOUT PICKING UP MASTURBATION TECH- 
NIQUES FROM CHATROULETTE, PUTTING ZAC EFRON’S FOOT 
IN HIS MOUTH AND SEEING JANUARY JONES IN THE BUFF. 


CRYSTAL HARRIS—HEF’S IMPENDING NUPTIALS HAVE THE 
WORLD BUZZING. BILL ZEHME REVEALS WHY HEF AND CRYS- 
TAL WILL LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER. 


HOW THE MAFIA TRICKED HOLLYWOOD -IN THE 1930S WILLIE 
BIOFF HELPED THE MOB TAKE CONTROL OF THE PROJECTION- 
ISTS' UNION SO HE COULD RULE TINSELTOWN AND BULLY THE 
STUDIO BOSSES. NEAL GABLER TELLS THE TALE OF A BRUTAL 
MAN WHOSE INSATIABLE GREED LED TO HIS UNDOING. 


THE CURSE OF REALITY TV—DRUGS. JAIL TIME. MURDER. 
SUICIDE. REALITY-TV STARS ARE A TROUBLED BUNCH. DOES 
FAME MAKE THEM CRAZY, OR DO ONLY CRAZY PEOPLE SEEK 
REALITY-TV FAME? ANDY DENHART INVESTIGATES. 


WORKING CLASS, POSTWORK-LEVI STRAUSS MILKS ITS 
AMERICAN-AS-APPLE-PIE REP FOR ALL IT’S WORTH, BUT 
THE COMPANY’S OPERATING PRACTICES HARDLY SEEM TO 
BE PATRIOTIC. JESSE PEARSON EXPOSES THE HYPOCRISY 
OF THE ICONIC JEANS BRAND’S “WE ARE ALL WORKERS” 
ADVERTISING CAMPAIGN. 


e 
dt. 5 


THE YEOMAN ALWAYS GETS SCREWED. 


IS JASON SUDEIKIS THE NEXT SNL BREAKOUT STAR? 


y 


* A 
m 


HATS OFF TO BRITISH BUNNIES. 


HOW TO GO BROKE THE МІС CAGE WAY-IT ISN’T EASY ТО 
LOSE A COLOSSAL FORTUNE AND SQUANDER A CAREER, 
BUT IT CAN BE DONE—JUST ASK NICOLAS CAGE. USING THE 
ACTOR AS HIS MODEL, STEVEN CHEAN OUTLINES THE SURE- 
FIRE STEPS TO FINANCIAL RUIN. 


ANTHONY BOURDAIN—IN THE PLAYBOY INTERVIEW THE 
FOULMOUTHED CHEF TALKS TO DAVID SHEFF ABOUT DINING 
ON WARTHOG RECTUM, BRAINSTORMING RECIPES ON LSD 
AND WHY HE THINKS VEGETARIANISM IS RIDICULOUS. 


PLAYBOY BUNNIES—WE SALUTE THE NEW PLAYBOY CLUB 
LONDON WITH A RACY ROUNDUP OF TOOTHSOME BRITISH 
BUNNIES FROM THE ORIGINAL U.K. HOT SPOT. 


YEOMANC-IN NEW FICTION BY CHARLES YU, A PETTY OFFICER 
AND STARSHIP CREW MEMBER KNOWS HE'S DESTINED TO DIE 
BECAUSE HE'S NOT A KEY CHARACTER. CAN HE OUTWIT THE 
SCRIPT AND AVOID HIS FATE AS SPACE-MONSTER SNACK? 


PLAYBOY PAD: APOCALYPSE CHIC-TAKE A TOUR OF 
THE ULTIMATE SWINGING BOMB SHELTER—ELEGANTLY 
APPOINTED AND BUILT TO WITHSTAND A NUCLEAR HIT. 


PLUS—STYLISH GOLF THREADS THAT WILL KEEP YOU LOOK- 
ING SHARP ON THE GREEN, AND MISS JULY JESSA HINTON. 


Playboy (ISSN 0032-1478), June 2011, volume 58 number 6. Published monthly by Playboy in national and regional editions, Playboy, 680 North Lake 
Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611. Periodicals postage paid at Chicago, Illinois and at additional mailing offices. Canada Post Canadian Publications 
Mail Sales Product Agreement No. 40035534. Subscriptions: in the U.S., $32.97 for a year. Postmaster: Send address change to Playboy, PO. Box 37489, 


138 Boone, Iowa 50037-0489. For subscription-related questions, call 800-999-4438, or e-mail plycustserv@cdsfulfillment.com. 


WorldMags 


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