PLAYBOY

ENTERTAINMENT FOR MARCH 2014

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CHANGE YOUR
UNDERWEAR.

MACKWELDON.COM/PLAYBOY

W

MACK WELDON

Що time of year rewards our primal sen.
ГАМ sibilities like spring. After a winter of
shoveling driveways, wearing fleece

and longing for sunshine, we're rewarded
with blue skies, green grass and short skirts.
Welcome to our feld guide to the best season
of the year. First, we have a story about one
of the most primal men we know: Khosrow
Vaziri, better known as the Iron Sheik, one
of the most polarizing pro wrestlers in WWE
history. In I Will Make You Humble! Keith
Elliot Greenberg traces Sheikie's days as a
star, his drug-addled decline and his current
incarnation as a social-media darling—his
Twitter feed reads like Charlie Sheen on
steroids. We're all familiar with the power
of a good orgasm, but could it be the key to
enlightenment? A company called OneTaste
claims so, selling admission to clinics where
dozens of women climax at once (yes, you
read that right). For Pleasure Seekers Molly
0 infiltrates a meeting to see if it's sci-
ence or bunk, Ty Burrell brings out our inner
goofball as Phil Dunphy on Modern Family.
In 20Q we find out how he went
from living in his van to enjoying
the success that had eluded him
for years. Our Playboy Interview
picks the brain of a man who is
reinventing modern media: Nick
Denton, founder of the Gawker
blog empire, breaker of scan-
dals from Rob Ford's penchant
for crack to Brett Favre's pen-
chant for dong photos. Denton
justifies his approach to gos-
sip and journalism and explains
why he's right and mainstream
media is wrong. A.J. Baime and
Ken Gross, two of the luckiest

guys we know, careened around SEEN?

the world in the latest marvels
of automotive engineering to find our 2014
Car of the Year. Just looking at these dyna-
mos will get your testosterone pumping. We
then have Tea Ceremony, a fictional tale of
young lovers and uncontainable lust from
Stuart Dybek. He maps a fleeting romance
in subtle detail. In The Billion-Dollar Battle
for Snapchat, Kart Taro Greenfeld reports
from the hotbed of Silicon Valley. When a trio
of Stanford frat brothers develops an iPhone
app worth billions, the partnershipimplodes,
and the ensuing lawsuit unveils the nasty
endgame of students who graduate with
not only degrees but tech fortunes, Vince
Beiser travels to War, West Virginia in Pre-
scription for Death to reveal how painkillers
have wrought addiction, deceit and murder
in small-town America. Finally, we lighten
things up with Sheer Delight, our annual
guide to lingerie and the ravishing ladies born
to wear it, shot by the inimitable Michael
Bernard. Sex, drugs, fortunes won and lost,
fast cars and beautiful women: They call it
spring fever for areason. Find out why inside.

A

PLAYBILL

[

зле Dybek

CONNECTED #4
DIESELREBOOT

VOL.61, NO. 2—MARCH 2014

CONTENTS

| FEATURES

62 PRESCRIPTION
. FOR DEATH
Aftermurder strikes in a
small West Virgini;
VINCE BEISER traces a
tragedy with

killer epide

the pain.

at its core

72 THE BILLION-

. DOLLAR BATTLE
FOR SNAPCHAT
The company is worth a
fortune, but KARL TARO
GREENFELD uncovers a
problem: thefrat brother
who claims the killer app
was his idea

84 | WILL MAKE

YOU HUMBLE!
KEITH ELLIOT
GREENBERG catches up
with the most colorful
wrestler in WWE history,

the formidable Iron Sheik.

2014 CARS OF
THE YEAR

From the hills of France to

the freeways of Los Angeles,

A.J. BAIME and KEN
GROSS put rubber to road.

tofind this year's best cars.

PLEASURE
SEEKERS

MOLLY OSWAKS takes
us inside OneTaste, an
orgasmic-meditation
school that claims it
has found a new path to
spiritual rebirth,

ug «

Ji

PHOTOGRAPHY, THIS PAGE AND COVER,

BY MICHAEL BERNARD

own,

Between a couple's bouts
of passion anda curious
waitress's fortime-telling,
STUART DYBEK redefines

the meaning of young

| TY BURRELL
STEPHEN REBELLO
quizzes Amer
туда

rosis and wh

favorite

don the joys of neu
he'll never

look cool on a motorcycle

COVER STORY
Afterappearing in our
sexy lingerie pictorial,
model Jennifer Humphrey
enjoysa moment of
relaxation. Our Rabbit,
ourse, wouldn't
dare miss the fun.

е

PLAYMATE: Britt Linn

PLAYBO

51 SLEEPERS AWAKE
Astechnology'smarch
continues to erode the
value of sleep, JONATHAN
CRARY ponders the
meaningof rest inarest-
less society.

76. TOP SHELF
Let us be your spirits guide.
These are the best gins,
rums and bourbons your
moneycan buy, plus tips.
and recipes from mixolo-
gist Thomas Waugh.

COLUMNS

46 YOU ARE
NOT ALONE
JOELSTEIN campaigns to
keep the NSA, girlfriends
and wives out ofa man's
NSFW digital life.

47 THE HIDDEN
COOLNESS OF
CAT LADIES
Why date a cat lover?
Plentyof reasons. HILARY
WINSTON defends the
unfairly maligned

10 stereotype.

51

114

VOL. 61, NO. 2-MARCH 2014

PLAYBOY

CONTENTS

RUM NEWS & NOTES
READER 14. WORLD OF
RESPONSE PLAYBOY

PICTORIAL

66 GREEK GODDESS
Inancient Greece, asiren
like Zoi Gorman would
have beensculptedin
marble. These stunning
photos reveal why.

88 NO VACANCY
Sultry Miss March
Britt Linn pro-
vides ample
reason to hang
out a po Nor
misrunnsign.
Check in to our
hotel-room
fantasy.

118 SHEER DELIGHT
Nothing compares with
analluring woman in her
most intimate attire.

Praise for poet Donald
Hall's meditation on
death; America's energy
future; a sharp rebuke of
climate deniers.

Supermodel Kate Moss
celebrates PLAYBoY's 60th
anniversary ага swing-
ing party in London;

Mansion for New Year'
Cooper Hefner embarks
for China; we throw down
in sunny Miami Beach for
Art Basel.

PLAYMATE NEWS
Brande Roderick
quenches our thirst;
Amanda Cerny and
Jaclyn Swedberg make
Hollywood waves.

20Q: TY BURRELL

DEPARTMENTS

7 PLAYBILL
19 DEAR PLAYBOY
25 AFTER HOURS
42 REVIEWS
49 PLAYBOY
ADVISOR
98 PARTY JOKES

о PUYBOr on 9 PLAYBOY ON © PLAYBOY он
FACEBOOR Ет INSTAGRAM
GET SOCIAL Keep up with all things Playboy at
facebook.com/playboy, twitter.com/playboy

'ASHION

and instagram.com/playboy

MIXING BUSINESS
WITH LEATHER
JENNIFER RYAN JONES
selects the smartest
oxfords, wingtips,
chukkas and more to hit
the pavement this spring.

PRINTED

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12

PLAYBOY

HUGH M. HEFNER
editor-in-chief

JIMMY JELLINEK
editorial director
STEPHEN RANDALL deputy editor
MAC LEWIS art director
JASON BUHRMESTER executive editor
REBECCA H. BLACK photo director
HUGH GARVEY articles editor
JARED EVANS managing editor

EDITORIAL
JENNINER RYAN JONES fashion and grooming director STAFF: GILBERT MACIAS editorial coordinator; CHERIE BRADLEY executive assistant;
‘TYLER TRYKOWSKI editorial assistant CARTOONS: AMANDA WARREN associate cartoon editor
COPY: WINIFRED ORMOND copy chief; BRADLEY LINCOLN senior copy editor; CAT AUER copy editor
RESEARCH: NORA O'DONNELL senior research editor; SHANE MICHAEL SINGH research editor
CONTRIBUTING EDITORS: BRANTLEY NARDIN, MARK BOAL, ROBERT B. DESALVO, PAULA FROELICH, KARL TARO GREENFELD, KEN GROSS, GEORGE GURLEY.
DAVID HOCHMAN. ARTHUR KRETCHMER (atidomotive), SEAN MCCUSKER. CHRISTIAN PARENTI, JAMES R. PETERSEN, ROCKY RAKOVIC, STEPHEN REBELLO, DAVID RENSIN,

CHIP ROWE, TIMOTHY SCHULTZ, WILL SELF, DAVID SHEFF, ROB MAGNUSON SMITH, JOEL STEIN, ROB TANNENBAUM, CHRISTOPHER TENNANT, HILARY WINSTON

AJ. BAIME, LEOPOLD FROEHLICH editors at large

ART
JUSTIN PAGE senior art director; ROBERT HARKNESS associate art director; AARON LUCAS art coordinator; LAUREL. LEWIS designer

PHOTOGRAPHY
STEPHANIE MORRIS playmate photo editor; MATT sTEIGBIGEL. photo researcher;

GAVIN BOND, SASHA EISENMAN TONY RELLY, JOSH RYAN senior contributing photographers; DAVID BELLEMERE, MICHAEL BERNARD, MICHAEL EDWARDS,
ELAYNE LODGE, SATOSHI. JOSEPH SHIN contributing photographers; неп votre contributing photo editor; KEVIN мокену director, photo library:
CHRISTIE HARTMANN senior archivist, photo library; KAKLA СОТСНЕК assistant, photo library; DANIEL. FERGUSON manager, prepress and imaging;
AMY KASTNER-DROWN senior digital imaging specialist; OSCAR RODRIGUEZ senior prepress imaging specialist

PUBLIC RELATIONS

THERESA М. HENNESSEY vice president; TERI THOMERSON director

PRODUCTION
LESLEY к. JOHNSON production director; HELEN YEOMAN production services manager

PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES INTERNATIONAL, INC.

SCOTT FLANDERS chief executive officer

PLAYBOY INTEGRATED SALES
JOHN LUMPKIN senior vice president, publisher; marie Fu

No vice president, advertising director; AMANDA CIVITELLO senior marketing director

PLAYBOY PRINT OPERATIONS
тәуір c. isst. chief operating officer, president, playboy media;
том FLORES senior vice president, business manager, playboy media

ADVERTISING AND MARKETING: AMERICAN MEDIA INC.
DAVID PECKER chairman and chief executive officer: KEVIN HYSON chief marketing officer: BRIAN HOAR vice president, associate publisher;
HELEN MANCULLA executive director, drect-response advertising NEW YORK: PATRICK MICHAEL GREENE luxury director;

BRIAN VRABEL entertainment and gaming director; ADAM WEBS spirits director; KEVIN РАГАТКО associate marketing director;

NIKI DOLL promotional art director; ERIN CARSON, JANINE POLLACK marketing managers; ANGELA LE digital sales planner
CHICAGO: TIFFANY SPARKS ABBOTT midwest director LOS ANGELES: LORI KESSLER west coast director; LINDSAY BERG digital sales planner
ЗАМ FRANCISCO: SHAWN O'MEARA Й.0.т.е.

MARK THE

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CIGARETTES ©2014 R.J. REYNOLDS TOBACCO CO.

THE WORLD 27777

| mans IN

OF PLAYBOY | wou ore

New Year's Eve is always
a joyous occasi the
Playboy Mansion, but this
December 31 was more
han just a countdow
to midnight, as Hef and
Crystal celebrated

their one-year
anniversary. |

Stars Redaric

Williams, Smokey
Robinson, Jon Lovitz
and Berry Gordy, along
with Playmates Kennedy
Summers. Carrie Stevens,
Gemma Lee Farrell and
Audrey Aleen Allen, toasted
2014 and the Hefners.

Nice chassis. At
the Art Basel

Cooper Hefner
ted a 60th

ton Head: Artists
Елда
mobil
Richard Phillips
unveiled his sec-
ond collabor
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Shanghai. "The
Playboy life

styl
the Americ
dream but au
versal aspiration,

Hefner says. "I

fonly А 1 look forward to
everything could \ / s he Rabbit
be unveiled along PLAYBOY E celebrate life and

side Playmates
Jessa Hinton and
Alison Waite.

freedom around
the globe for the
next 60 years.

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BRILLIANTLY CLASSIC HAIR CREAM
Find it in the men's shavii isle.

BEN AFFLECK'S FANS AND FOES
Michael Fleming is obviously not
a fan of Ben Affleck's (Playboy Inter-
view, January/February), and it shows.
Fleming must have asked about Gigli at.
least five times, and he kept bringing up.
Affleck’s other flops such as Daredevil. А
lot of people would have told Fleming
off and ended the interview, but Affleck
was a good sport. Then Fleming had
the nerve to ask if it was annoying
that people always focus on his flops. I
found the questions in poor taste. As an
interviewer, Fleming should have been

` Jamie Kaczmarek
Chesterfield, Michigan

Why does Ben Affleck feel the need to
explain in excruciating detail the intel-
lect and emotion that go into portraying
a comic book character? Batman ain't
Hamlet. Affleck is to acting what Ripple is
to fine wine: He'sa screw top all the way.
Woody Murrah
Lumpkin, Georgia

MISSING KEYS
Rick Moody's essay about the lack of

quality in today's pop music (/n Search of
the Lost Rock & Кой Icon, January/February)
was without a doubt well-researched and
accurate, but I think it was an oversight
not to mention Alicia Keys as one of the
few quality artists of this era. Keys makes
an honest effort to generate music that
blends pop, jazz and R&B—something
that is rare today.

Michael Griffin

Las Vegas, Nevada

SAINT MCCLOSKEY
The article on Jim McCloskey (The
Truth Shall Set You Free, December) was

DEAR PLP

Summers Lovin’

I have been a subscriber for about
20 years, but I have never suffered
from love at first sight until I saw Miss
December. There's no need to wait;
Kennedy Summers is PMOY 2014.

Bob Fuller
Raleigh, North Carolina

Miss December Kennedy Summers
is absolutely gorgeous. She is by far
the best-looking woman ever featured
in your magazine—pure class and a
blonde beauty. She has my vote for
Playmate of the Year.

Frank Lazzerini

Barberton, Ohio

a revelation and beautifully written, His
willingness to take on the “misfit cases”
is astonishing. The time and patience he
must have should never go unnoticed.
McCloskey deserves the Nobel Peace
Prize. Bravo.

Chris Beaver

Moundsville, West Virginia

Thank you, Neal Gabler, for your
great article on Jim McCloskey and Cen-
turion Ministries. I only wish the world
had more people like McCloskey in it.
So many good people sit behind bars
because of wrongful convictions and
horrible plea deals offered by prose-
cutors who cannot acknowledge their
faults and inaccuracies. Thank you,
Mr. McCloskey, for exposing a small

percentage of them. May the ghosts of
the innocent haunt them all.
Shane McCormick
Shreveport, Louisiana

MMM, BRAINS!

1 was so disturbed by the idea sug-
gested in Chuck Palahniuk's short
story (Zombie, November) that my brain
stopped functioning properly.

Alex King
Fort Myers, Florida

MOLLY AND THE LAW

Frank Owen's article (Chasing Molly,
November) provides yet another solid
reason for legalizing all drugs. Give
users a fighting chance in life by pro-
viding them access to FDA-controlled

Commish'ripsinew mayor.
Blasts phony polii Tiends'- ^

RAY KELLY BLOWS UP

The December Playboy Interview with outgo-
ing NYPD commissioner Ray Kelly caused a stir
with our readers (see comments at right), as

well as with New York pols and the press. The
Daily News covered the story five days in a row.

* Crime will
increase if and
when stop-and-
frisk is effectively

the people "love"
him there.

* It's easy to brush

eliminated. off stop-and-
Will that Бе а frisk when you're
coincidence? | not affected by
think not. it. When it does
— | happen to you,

e It's hard for me
to believe that
the interviewer,
Glenn Plaskin, was
impartial, given
that the majority
of the questions һе
asked are framed
as an excuse to
mention details.
that are politically
convenient to

Ме Kelly.

it's life-changing.
| know because

it happened to

me in my own
neighborhood. Now
| have two types of
people to fear when
walking down the
street: criminals
and criminal cops.
Sometimes | want
to say to people
like Ray Kelly, “I'm
sorry | was born
the wrong color”

If | had a choice,

1 wouldn't have
chosen this.

* Drop Ray Kelly
off in Harlem with
no bodyguards and
let's see how much

+ “Full of shit,”
huh? That's like
Rob Ford calling
someone an
addict,

complaining about
civil rights.

* Kelly claims that.
the NYPD is banned
from stopping

+ It's strange that people based оп
in New York, a. race, but its systemic
liberal haven, the spying on Muslims

police think fighting
racism is extreme,
Sad times for the

and Arabs proves
otherwise. However,
these details are

Big Apple. too politically
inconvenient to Mr.
* In response to Kelly's image.

seeing his fellow
marines getting
killed, Kelly says
it was “not as
traumatic or

as jolting as |
thought it would
be.” If that didn't
bother him,

* тай for saving
lives, but the
struggle of being

a cop is that you
have to live within
the constraints of a
free society,

Online comments

then he certainly
doesn't give a from PlayboySFW
fuck about people | .kinja.com.

* No Odor, No Ash
+ No Tobacco Smoke, Only Vapor
* On-the-Go Rechargeable Pack

AVAILABLE IN RETAIL

STORES NATIONWIDE.

Visit us at blu

substances instead of forcing them to
swallow, snort or shoot poison sold by
lowlife scum.
Fred Bilello
Laughlin, Nevada

FEARLESS IMAN
The images of Iman in the November
issue are beautiful, but some of them
appear to be photoshopped. Did the
photographer really get a cheetah and
an elephant to stand still next to Iman?
Gordon King
Laconia, New Hampshire
Yes, Peter Beard photographed Iman
posing among real wildlife. Had toda
Photoshop technology been available when
the pictorial was shot in 1985, just imagine
what we could have done.

HELMUT AT HIS BEST
Congrats to rLavsoy for the outstand-
ing photo spread featuring the work of
Helmut Newton (December). He cap-
tured stunning women in the most
stimulating poses. Please feature more
women like this.
Frank Binetti
Norwalk, Connecticut

GENERATIONAL DIFFERENCES
I found Steven Chean's article (Talkin’
"Bout Your Generation, December) quite
thought-provoking. However, I was
offended that Chean considers Lena
Dunham a shining example of Gen Y.
The women on her show Girls are narcis-
sistic, foolish and shallow, and the men
are freakish and oafish. As a Millennial,
I admit that members of my generation
sometimes act like entitled brats, but I
think the majority of us are hard work-
ers who are attempting to make sense of
our media-saturated world. Many of us
have been tempered by 9/11, two wa
and a brutal recession that made Millen-
nials the largest unemployed age group
in the country. But Chean's bottom line
about Gen Y is his saving grace: We are
a connected generation still trying to
make a connection. That summary hit
the nail on the head.
Andrew Rokita
Wilmington, Dela

Including Dick Cheney and Ror
Reagan in a list of villains demonstrates
intense, delusional partisanship.

Brooks Mick
Yorktown, Virginia

We also include Michael Moore and John

Edwards as villains. Does that count too?

THE NOT-SO-FUNNY PAGES

I have been reading г ЛУВОУ for nearly
50 years and have always enjoyed the
various columns, articles and especially
the cartoons. However, I have serious
objections to the idea that rape is funny.
I direct your attention to one of the

E-mail LETTERS@F

AYBOY.COM or writ

cartoons in the November issue. Do you
really think rape is okay?
Sandra Tyra
Lancaster, California
Anyone who has read 1 АУВОХ over the past
60 years knows we would never condone rape
in any way. We apologize to anyone who was
offended by the cartoon.

SEX AND RELATIONSHIPS

I love the article Sex: A Very Oral Report
nuary/February). I agree with Naomi
: There are very few safe places where
a woman can explore her sexuality, espe
cially within the context of dating. We hear
men complain that women don't want sex
as much as men do, but Гус found in my
interactions that I usually want sex more.
Unfortunately, it seems men view my high
sex drive as an undesirable trait for a seri-
ous relationship. Just because I enjoy sex
does not mean Гат a wanton harlot. I
would prefer to be in a monogamous
relationship, but I often feel as if I'm being
made to choose between my desire for a
satisfying relationship and my desire for

* er
е
м «а

NA
ORAL REPORT

Asexual State of the Union
for the modern woman from
‚our favorite female minds

a satisfying sex life. I want to find a man
who isn't going to let my sexual appetite
determine my value as a woman and a life
partner. Until then, I have my toys.
Wendy Bee
Los Angeles, California

I don't think this article really answers
the question of whether women want
more sex, but it is a good read. I thor-
oughly enjoyed what these women have
to say, and I share similar ideas.
Maryen Balderas
Redlands, California

WEIGHT PROBLEMS
Raw Data (January/February) says the
average weight of an NFL linebacker is
300 pounds. I think not
Dan Mecca
Angola, New York
You're right. We meant lineman, not line-
backer. And we're buying a new scale

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52

BECOMING
ATTRACTION

+ ТМА WOMAN
with curves
says actress
Jaclyn Betham
CTyler Perry's
The Haves and
the Have Nots),
lounging in he
Los Angeles
home. Those
опесі curves
ne from the
years Jaclyn
spent as a ballet
dancer before
pursuing acting.
The idea of
what's sexy is
finally changing.
she says.
fun show
the world how
beautiful that
can be.” We're
glad to help.

Photography by MICHAEL EDWARDS/
MEINMYPLACE.COM

26

TALK |WHAT MATTERS NOW

DRAMA KINGS

DON'T BE FOOLED BY THE TESTOSTERONE—YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW IS A SOAP OPERA.
WELCOME TO THE GOLDEN AGE OF THE MALE TELENOVELA

very afternoon,
soap opera fans
endure another
tragic case of
amnesia, kid-
napping or
demonic possession. They
don't even get cranked up over
it, and not because they have
all those chill holistic meno-
pause herbs: Old ladies don't
pretendto be hard.

Pulling this off in prime
time is trickier. Many of the
most popular and critically
lauded shows on TV center
on the romantic and family
entanglements of men. Many
of these shows are also goofy
as hell. But it takes a mega-
masculine setting such as
a biker-gang bar or a board-
room to make us feel less like
we're watching "our stories"
and more like we're partak-
ing in "prestige drama.

The setup is simple: Give a
character a job that has hi:
torically required testicles—
sheriff, outlaw, soldier,
executive, congress:
and he can do insane things
and emote like crazy. Hell, he
can even break into an actual
soliloquy.

Strip down the most com-
pulsively watched TV shows
and you'll find daytime soaps
in manly repackaging. Mad
Men has had an actual “I
didn’t know I was pregnant”
twist. Justified could, like
any soap, be alternatively
titled Each Week We Will
Shoot an Attractive Person.
Sons of Anarchy is basically
a Dynasty episode about the
importance of helmet safety.
And don’t forget our friend
the meth cook, whose per
sonality goes from good to
evil depending on whether he
wears his special hat.

Such beloved shows as The
Sopranos and The Wire used
soap to virtuoso effect. Since
they went off the air the melo-
drama has multiplied, like so
many ducks in a swimming
pool. Half the stuff that hap-

pens on your average cable
serial could be accompanied
by a Phantom of the Opera-
style pipe-organ blast. It's a
drawer full of..positive preg-
nancy tests! (Blammmmm!)
These shows rely on the
idea that anything can sound
serious when it's filtered
through a reassuringly thick
mustache. Of course, most
of them have better writing,

ent
Ф

ІШІ

0 1123456 789012.

acting and art direction than
their daytime counterparts
(not to mention way more
up-to-date hairdos), but the
spirit of the entertainment
they offer is the same. And
you know what? That's okay.
It's just as much fun to watch
a muscular gentleman with a
perfectly symmetrical face
bawl, "My familyyyy!” as,
say, alady wearing a bad wig

es
БИрс
“Has Jax gone

too far?

pretending to be her look-
alike lesbian cousin. Don’t
be mad at your favorite show
because it knows this,

Alas, the outcry over this
surge in pathos may mean the
testosteronovela is already
on its way out. But hope-
fully it will come back some-
day, s ring different but
equally good-looking actors.
—Julieanne Smolinski

MPIRE + MORE

BEYOND
CONDOMS

GET LOST, LATEX. A COMPETITION TO REINVENT THE
CONDOM PRODUCES SOME STIMULATING PROPOSALS

+ When latex condoms hit bedrooms in the 1930s, they were game
changers. Since then, companies such as Trojan and Durex have added
improvements including ribbing and warming lubricants, but condoms’
basic design hasn't changed much in the past 80 years. They're still
uncomfortable, unforgiving and downright difficult to put on in the

dark. Enter Bill and Melinda Gates, Last year their Gates Foundation
challenged scientists to build a better condom. More than 800 applicants
responded, and 11 proposals were chosen to receive $100,000 grants to
manufacture prototypes. Here are five promising contest winners from
around the world that hope to make it to your nightstand.—Nora O'Donnell

Bovine Bop hypoallergenic

> Things that material clings

INDIA make you go to (but doesn’t
moo: А scientist | squeeze) your

— in San Diego manhood, thereby

Super Strength is developing reducing the risk

» Ready for a condom that of limpness. The

manhood of steel? resembles a condom also

A team in India sausage casing comes with tabs on

proposes a condom Crafted of raw each side, allowing

that contains. collagen from men to pull on—

graphene, an cow tendons and rather than roll

> ligaments, this on—protection

incredibly tough,
elastic material
that conducts heat

hydrated second
skin creates a more Shape Shifter

Graphene is more natural sensation. + In Oregon, a
than 200 times ۷ scientist is making
stronger than steel, SOUTH AFRICA Vegetarians а колдоп, Sut of
and researchers T ERN ап elastic polymer
claim it can be Cling Wrap that comfortably
incorporated with It's a Snap > Researchers forms to a man's
latex to reduce » Chances аге are designing а ingenuity: You simply іп Los Angeles member when it
condom thickness youve put on a unique applicator | crack open the are introducing comes into contact
and improve condom incorrectly | for traditional latex | package. roll onthe а stronger with body heat
sensation without at some point, which condoms. Called condom and snap but thinner Gives “memory
compromising is why scientists Rapidom, the off the applicator in condom made of fabric” a whole
strength. in South Africa prototype is pure a single motion. polyethylene. The new meaning.

“C'mon,

Google Glass,

TOTAL TURNOFF let's do this.”

GOOGLE UNPLUGS YOUR VIRTUAL SEX LIFE

+ Tits & Glass lasted only a few hours. Then the app,

which allowed Google Glass users to swap sexy videos,

was removed, It appears Google wants its virtual-reality
eyewear to remain rated PG. “New gadgets will be used

for sex no matter what the creators think,” says Johannes
Grenzfurthner, founder of the Arse Elektronika sex and tech
conference. Case in point: Tits & Glass developers and adult-
film star James Deen plan to make the first virtual-reality
porn—filmed with Google Glass, of course —Damon Brown

27

TALK |WHAT MATTERS NOW

KING JAMES

BEASTIE BOYS, MILEY
AND THE

* “Iwas four when
Ifirst drew a naked
woman," says New
York artist Todd
James."I remember
Iwas in my room
and ona piece of
paper I tried to work
out how to draw
the boobs, because
it requires depth—
one’s behind the
other.” As a teen he
developed his art
under the graffiti
moniker REAS and
designed a logo for
the Beastie Boys; his
work has now been
included in some of
the most influential
exhibitions of the
past 20 years.
Today James's
paintings feature
bright blasts of
color, naked women
lounging—with cats,
Somali pirates, mil
tary weaponry—and
playful titles such
as Soxy Banana

YRUS, CR;

10 OF TODD JAMES

Bananza and
Captain Kitty Is So
Pretty. Pop culture
fans may know
his work from the
Jimmy Kimmel-
produced comedy
Crank Yankers, (ог
which he designed
the puppets, orfrom
Miley Cyrus's pro-
vocative 2013 MTV
Video Music Awards
performance, for
which he designed
the bear costumes.
James's work
demonstrates that
creativity and wit
can co-exist in mod-
ern art, "Most con-
temporary art has a
sense of humor in it.
Ithink comedians
and artists have
that commonality.
They use humor as a
way to express tough
subjects," he says.
“It's pure entertain-
ment for me first."
—Evan Pricco

e warned: Your
artisanal hobbies
andasininehabits
arestill fodder for
Portlandia, IFC's

hit sketch show. Fred Armisen
and Carrie Brownstein's biting
satire has sharpened since
Armisen quietly left SNL this

past summer to dedicate himself
full-time to poking fun at the
foibles of Portland. Season four of
Portlandia is, as Armisen puts it,
“anew beginning," and it's clear
the duo can still tailspin a precious
topicinto a deranged case study.
Want to put a bird on it? Don't even
think about it.—Nora O'Donnell

satirical mirror on many of our
idiosyncrasies. Is there a partic-
ular sketch that really hit a nerve
with viewers?

CARRIE: Countless people have
approached us about the sketch

in which the characters Doug and
Claire binge-watch all of Battlestar
Galactica. People related to that
kind of escapism. They identified
with living vicariously through a TV
show іп a compulsive way.

PLAYBOY: The show has been.
accused of ruining everything from
brunch to decorative birds by sham-
ing us into changing our clichéd
behaviors. What is your reaction?
CARRIE: Fred and | and many of us
exist in communities that are self-
aware and self-critical. We're aware
of the things that seem precious.
We might want to hit our head
against the wall because we're en-
acting these things, but we still do
it because we're just living. | don't
think we're literally ruining things.

I think we're adding awareness

by being part of a conversation.

A lot of graphic-designer friends
e-mailed me after seeing the "Put
а Bird on It" sketch and said, "Oh,
that's the last bird I'm going to
draw." And | thought, Great!

PORTLANDIA RETURNS FOR ANOTHER HELPING
OF HOMEMADE, FULLY BAKED COMEDY

PLAYBOY: Carrie, do you think
you would be doing comedy if you
hadn't met Fred?

CARRIE: | don't know what |
would be doing. | think a lot of
creative endeavors now come
from underground, organic forces
that stem from friendships and
other unlikely origins, These
unique voices have had to write
themselves into existence. | don’t
know any other way | could be
doing comedy, but I'm glad this
new paradigm exists.

PLAYBOY: Fred, this is the first
season of Portlandia since you left
SNL. How does it feel?

FRED: It's been nice because |

can focus on Portlandia. When we
shot season four, | didn't have to
stress about going back to New
York for SNL. | felt very present,
like | could take the time to look at
the details and take care of them.
I'm still friends with everybody at
SNL, and | have no regrets. Now
I'm able to watch the 5һоу/ аз a
viewer and enjoy it. This season of
Portlandia feels like the beginning
of something.

PLAYBOY: Some great actors are
returning this season, including Jeff
Goldblum, Steve Buscemi and Kyle
MacLachlan. How did MacLachlan
come to be the mayor of Portland?
‘CARRIE: Kyle met with us in Los
Angeles and took a leap of faith.

He totally created that role. His
willingness and excitement to do
something a little weird and absurd
really opened up the world of Port-
Jandia to other people. We owe so
much to him

FRED: He has ай the right sensibil
ties when it comes to improvising
It's like being in a band with some-
one with the same musical tastes.
PLAYBOY: Will we ever find out

his character's name?

CARRIE: Probably not.

PLAYBOY: He's just going to be

Mr. Mayor?

FRED: What makes you think the
mayor is a he?

PLAYBOY: That would be à very
Twin Peaks twist. What kind ог
themes will you be exploring on the
show this season?

— o

s) CARRIE >»

FRED: Early on we had this idea
of human bandwidth, as in the
number of things you can have
going on at the same time and
your capacity to control them.

I don't know how much of it
ended up on screen, but it's in
there somewhere.

PLAYBOY: Let's talk about your
relationship. Has there ever been.

a time when the person you were

dating felt jealous of the friendship
between the two of you?

FRED: For me, maybe. | don't

know if it ever came to a

confrontation, but it might have

happened a little with the people

I've dated.

CARRIE: Oh, | didn't know that.

Anyone who knows us knows that

Fred and | are creative partners. |
We're best friends, so you have to i = =
deal with that. \

FRED: | think it can happen

whenever someone has a platonic Й

relationship with a person of the 4

opposite sex. There are always \ “
moments when there's some
tension and it eventually goes
away. You need time for people
to get over any tension. It's а
common, natural thing. It's not
threatening by either party. It's
just part of relationships.

PLAYBOY: /f you had to live the
rest of your lives together as.
characters on Portlandia, who
would you be?

CARRIE: | would choose [feminist
bookstore owners] Toni and
Candace because they're friends
and they exist in a place that's not
incredibly cloying.

FRED: | agree. There's а calmness
to Toni and Candace. They're
very motionless. Moving around
аз muchas the other characters.
would be exhausting. Being Toni
and Candace would be a nice way
to spend our 605 and 70s.
PLAYBOY: What will the real-life
Fred and Carrie be doing іп

30 years?

CARRIE: Ideally, still working.
PLAYBOY: Not playing cards
together in a retirement home?
FRED: We would never do that,
Uaughs}

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SPEED RACER
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FOOD

PASSING
MUSTARD

THE FIVE BEST CONDIMENTS FOR
ADDING MAJOR FLAVOR

* No disrespect to ketchup and

mustard, but there's a world ofinsanely
delicious ingredients taking over

menus everywhere, and you should add
them to your arsenal. Think of them as
chef-level shortcuts that can easily be
deployed to kick up your culinary game. #

KIMCHI
> Five years ago
few could have
predicted that

Korean fermented

cabbage would

becomea

supermarket

staple. But try Asia-obsessed
опе funky, spicy, chefs and
crunchy bite of food-truck

the stuff and entrepreneurs.

you'll know why Fry: chopped

it's a favorite of рапа added to
instant ramen;
оп a burger; with

steak tacos.
SRIRACHA

* Easily the sandwich; in salad
reigning king dressing; mixed
of condiments, ^ with mayo asa

sriracha has gone french fry dip:
from cult status with soy sauce
to Lay's potato as a pork rib
chip flavor. Like marinade.
ketchup, it's the
perfect balance
of sweet and
tart but with the.
added kick of
chili heat. Try:
anytime you'd
use Tabasco; оп
hot wings; on а

HARISSA
> This North Try: added to

, African chili-and- Texas red chili;
garlic paste is asa dip for lamb
deeply flavored chops; slathered
with a slow and оп chicken thighs
low burn and before you grill
typically served them; with fried
with Moroccan eggs and toasted
food. One small pita bread

tube will last

for months in
the fridge and
can be used any
number of ways.

KEWPIE
MAYONNAISE |
> If there's such

a thing as hipster

mayo, this Japa-

nese ingredient is

it. The packaging

is Tokyo kitschy, с

and stoner chefs

were among tS SMOKED
early champions. PAPRIKA
Compared with

Hellmann's, it's 7 If everything's
richerand more better with
deeply flavored bacon, then
(thankstoanun- everything's
apologetic dose better (and

) of MSG). Try: healthier) with
in deviled eggs; Spanish smoked

) mixed with srira- paprika. Made
cha and tossed from peppers
with shrimp;any- | smoked over
whereyou'duse | hardwood, it's the
regular mayo. easiest shortcut

to smokehouse
flavor without
the fire hazard.
prinkled on
steak, chicken or
pork before you
grill it; in paella; in
scrambled eggs.

Photography by FRANCESCO TONELLI

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De]

* 2 02. Jameson Black
Barrel Irish whiskey

+ % oz. Elixir Combier

* А oz. Luxardo

а maraschino liqueur

A * Ya oz. Pernod absinthe

ТІР THE SHOTS THIS ST. PATRICK'S DAY. THE BEST IRISH +3 dashes Bitter Truth

WHISKEY IS PERFECT FOR SIPPING AND MIXING creole bitters

+ 3 dashes Bittermens
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= fyou associate Irish whiskey with green beer and hastily қ ТОП pest EE

| tossed-back shots, count yourself among the many unfortunates

piece

who havebeen missing out on the subtle pleasures of this fine

‘spirit. While bourbon and scotch get all the glory, Irish whiskey Combine liquid
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These Irish
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1.
Bushmills 10 Year
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over ice.

2.
Redbreast 12 Year

3 This superbly
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This complex and aromatic
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40

CHIANG MAI IS THAILAND'S
ONE-STOP PLEASURE MECCA

ds

Old City

This section of
Chiang Mai, dubbed
the Old City for its
temples and other
remnants of yester-
day, is 215 century
raucous. Play hard to
get with street ven-
dors hawking cheap
yet delicious pad
thai, and bargain

for legit handwoven
silk at the maniacal

night bazaar. Grab
a 40 of Chang beer
at the Playhouse Bar
and set the table for
а drunken night of
beer pong. (Note:
Don't get pong
hustled by the

two notorious,

sexy Thai women
who have made
many an American
bro look foolish.)

Nimmanhaemin
Road

This sophisticated
street, only a five-
minute tuk-tuk ride
from the Old City
and lined with bou-
tiques, restaurants
and spas, is the ideal
setting for an el-
egant evening. Avoid
those pesky Ducatis
slashing around cor-
ners when you duck
onto Soi (side street)
9, home of Café Mini,
а culinary jackpot no
larger than an East
Village studio. Chef
Moss Veerawat is in
back, crafting James
Beard-worthy
Italian-themed small
plates such as New
Zealand lamb rack
with rosemary sauce.
Wash down the
meal with a sweet,
milky iced coffee
from Wawee next
door before pound-
ing JAgermeisters
across the street at
the neon-lit Monkey
Club, where scantily
clad Thai bartenders
sling shots for local
hipsters thrashing
to vintage Chicago
house music.

Outside the City

Rent a motorbike
on Huay Kaew Road
and floor it up the
winding route to Doi
Suthep-Pui National
Park. Lock up your
bike, trek down the
nature path—or lack
thereof—and scope
out the Monthathan

Gallery District

You're in South:
east Asia—you
might as well get à
dose of local culture.
Decamp from
Anantara Hotel,
sleek and serene
digs on the former
site of the British
Consulate, within
walking distance of
Old City mayhem,
Travel east across
the river to Charoen
Raj Road, where
chic art galleries and
small cafés line a
dusty one-lane road.
Be careful walking
north: The sidewalks
are scary narrow;
you might just take

waterfall before
reaching the pristine
temple, Wat Рһга
That Doi Suthep,
Hoof it back to the
main road and flag
down а strange-
looking covered
pickup truck with
benches in the

a car hood to the
ass. Once safe, stop
in at Meeting Room
Art Café, which dou-
bles as a gallery, to
зпад a super-funky
desk lamp perfect
for your man cave-
pretend office. Hit
another gallery,
Colour Factory,
where a country's
obsession with
elephants is taken to
the artistic extreme
and local handbag
maven Miguel

La Salle's works are
available for pur-
chase (a major plus
in the lady-pleasing
department.

flatbed—it's called a
songthaew-to fire
you back down the
mountain. Shower
time, You'll soon

be picked up by
Pantawan Cooking
School and driven

to an open-air teak
house where a local
couple—Panand — $
Tawan—willteach $
you to make killer *
pad thai and veggie
Spring rolls. Trust

us, this will be the

end of your love

affair with nasty 2
Thai takeout.

—Dan Hyman

makes a Mini Cooper look like a Humvee.

TAKE A TUK-TUK

* Taxis are cheap in Thailand. They're also deathly slow. For short trips, hop into a
tuk-tuk, a motorized tricycle cum glamorized go-kart with a bench seat in back that

Negotiate a flat rate up front, take rides only

in vehicles sporting yellow government-issued license plates, and hold on.

TECH

DEVICE SQUAD

SHAKE OFF THE WINTER FUNK WITH APPS THAT MAKE LAZING
AROUND WITH NETFLIX SEEM LIKE RECKLESS BEHAVIOR

+ Your cell phone needs to get out more. Yes, with today's apps you сап

manage your March Madness pool, ord
leavingthe sofa. But the smartphone'
get-up-and-go. In other words, if your iPhone has turned you into a well
»d couch potato, you're doing it wrong. Here's how a cell s
Shane Michael Singh

conne
athirstfor adventure can crank up your weekend.

a pizza and land a dı
atest asset will alw

e all without
s be its

nal and

> Shed the week's tension
with Headspace, a med
tation app that introduces
the art of introspection
in 10-minute audio clips.
Trust us, it's mindless

NIGHT BEFORE

AZUMIO SLEEP TIME

* Track your Ме

youre at your most rested.

» Hibernation season is » Once you crest the
over. Grab your bike and let |->
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With its massive stock of
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memory reel

capture the fervor with the

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Insta-wha?

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> Revel with like-
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m already know. their profile.” as opposed to sex 2013, the letter

during a hookup.

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According to Public Policy Polling, the percentages
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* Men with - = - - - 59% of men believe
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are more ata business lunch.

attentive to [4 President The Ји

theirchildren, Obama is the government

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toa study via TV.

published

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testicles were 1980s.
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46

YOU ARE NOT ALONE

THE NSA IS THE LEAST OF YOUR PROBLEMS. YOUR GIRLFRIEND ALREADY KNOWS ALL

here’s no need to worry about the
NSA collecting your e-mails or
Facebook collecting your data, un-
less you have something to hide. Or
have a penis. Because if you have a
penis and haven't done something wrong,
you're not thinking hard enough about
ай the things you've ever done. Now you
remember. And so does the internet.

Тһе new surveillance state is a disas-
ter for men. Yes, all that NSA snooping
is probably helping the government stop
terrorists. And Google selling our web
history to advertisers undoubtedly keeps
us from seeing ads for things we don't
need, such as tampons and John Mayer
albums. But this massive data collection
is also a digital bread-crumb trail for our
girlfriends to follow.

I'm not even talking about cheating.
Or sneaking out to drink. Or to gamble.
Or to smoke crack cocaine while we're
supposed to be mayoring Toronto. We do
horrible things all day long that mean so
little to us we don't even remember them.
Cardinal Richelieu said, "If one would
give me six lines written by the hand of
the most honest man, I would find some-
thing in them to have him hanged." And
Cardinal Richelieu was a dude. А woman
would need only one line.

When I started dating my now wife in
the digital innocence of the late 1990s, I
left her in my office with my computer
on and my e-mail program open. Be-
cause I'd never cheated, I was fine with
her looking at my e-mails. Until she did.

She found an e-mail Га sent to an ex-
girlfriend, and she was furious. This con-
fused me since I hadn't ien anything
bad. Except I had and didn't even know
it. I wrote about how I'd read the class-
notes section of our college alumni ma
zine to see if she'd gotten married. Which,
1 came to realize after hours of fighting
and crying with my now wife, was indeed
deeply flirty. Also deeply pathetic.

Even medical records have been sto-
len and posted online. Yes, it’s happen-
ing mostly to celebrities, but we're next.
And when we talk about medical records,
what we're really talking about is women
finding out we have herpes before we
find the right moment to tell them,
which is when we're fake crying over the
story of our cheating, herpes-ridden ex-
girlfriend, who may or may not exist.
Here's everything your girlfriend
could know: If you have an alarm system
that provides a website or an app, she has
a record of every time you leave and en-
ter your house and what door you used,
so there's no more being a backdoor man.
She can find out from a quick search the
price of any houses you've owned, how
much you owe on them, if you've been
divorced, your political donations and
your criminal record. If she suspects
you're cheating, she can ask you to install

ВУ JOELSTEIN ==

the Find My Friends app on your phone
so she can always see exactly where you
are. Turning the Find My Friends app off
is way more suspicious than just letting it
show that you're at the Mustang Ranch.
You can at least claim you were driving
through the middle of Nevada when
your car broke down on a pile of herpes.
‘This isn't just paranoia: Women really
are using technology to compile dossiers
on us. The Lulu app allows women to
numerically score men they
assign them hashtags such as
SleepsOver, #FuckedMeAndChucked-
Me and #AlwaysPays. It's turning the
world into a small liberal arts college
where if you mess up once, you never get.
the chance to mess up all over someone
else. Though if I know anything about
women, the guys who are going to get
the most action are the ones hashtagged
"FuckedMeAndChuckedMe."

Technology is a cage keeping us from
being our natural outlaw selves. We can't
drive through tollbooths when we dis-
cover we don't have exact change, be-
cause cameras are shooting our license
plates. If you mouth off а cop, he can't
even beat you silly with a club without
being videotaped. Thanks to that re-
wards program card, your drugstore
knows everything you buy there, as does
your credit card company, which sells it
to huge data-mining firms. We are on
electronic leashes, and that is not a very
masculine look.

We're just a few years from a world
where everyone wears Google Glass, al-
lowing people to look at us while our pho-
tos pop up in the corner of their eyes like
mug shots, listing all the horrible things
we've done: tried to convince a girlfriend
to have a threesome she clearly didn't
want; added an extra day in Las Vegas to
à business trip that wasn't in Las Vegas;
worked as a theater director in college.
All the data will lead to so much shaming
that we'll be aware of every impure in-
stinct, sweating to tame each one. All this
civilizing will take the Tom Sawyer out of
us, and we'll slowly transmogrify into soft,
unattractive Stepford men. Our species
will die out as we drink nonfat lattes and
ask each other how our day was.

Sure, youcan hide your e-mail through
a Hushmail account, pay with Bitcoins
and surf the deep web, but that’s like
telling everyone you're doing something
majorly shady when you're doing some-
thing just a tiny bit shady. Instead, we all
need to roll back our digital dependency
and reclaim a little mystery. Get in the
habit of turning off our phones for a cou-
ple of hours every day. Keep the GPS off
unless we're lost. Don't post everything
we do on Twitter and Facebook because
then it looks weird when we don't. It's
either that or we behave ourselves. And
that's not going to happen. =

SURE, THEY HAVE A BADREP. BUT MAYBE YOU'RE OVERLOOKING
THE OBVIOUS CHARMS OF FELINES AND THEIR FRIENDS

y single guy friends tell me there are no good girls to
date. There are good girls to sleep with but none to date.
This infuriates me, because guys are all looking for the
same girl. The “perfect” girl who rolls out of bed, throws
jcans and looks amazing. She doesn't need makeup,
just ChapStick. She never works late, is never too tired and never
has a period. She пе: y sort of problem that requires
emotional support. $ oing. She loves beer. And sports.
And your friends. Well, guys, that girl does —actually, she
might, but not in the quantity required to meet the needs of ev-
ery single guy in America. So the advice I give my male friends is
that it's time to get creative. Maybe you're overlooking someone.
A few years ago I had minor surgery. A guy I'd been dating
only a few weeks came with me to the hospital because I had to
be put under. Being under around a new boyfriend made me
nervous. I was worried ГА say something insane, like "I love

you." And follow it up with “It’s not the anesthesia. As
soon as I get this IV out, let's drive to Vegas and get
married.” Unfortunately 1 didn't say either of those
things. Instead, after the anesthesiologist had gotten
me good and stoned, I told my new beau I wanted
to go to a nearby cat shelter. He said it wasn't a good
idea; I already had two cats. I begged him. I told him
I wasn't going to get another cat; I just wanted to
look! Apparently, from what the nurses told me, I was
pretty adamant. He suggested we do it another time.
Annoyed, I told him, "Fine, but if I ever have a mil-
lion dollars, I'm going to buy a boat and fill it with a
hundred cats." Then I fell asleep. Now, this is one of
the stories that has earned me the nickname Cat Lady.
It’s enough to turn the page, right? Blow right past
me. I get it. I once had a guy break it off after һе
my dead cat Emmett’s newly minted gravestone on
my kitchen counter. But should this really have sent
the guy running? I don't think so. I think cat ladi
are “perfect” ladies in the rough—and I can prove it.

A truly easygoing person isn't defined by wearing
only ChapStick. An easygoing person is someone
who doesn't compare herself tc
we live in a dog world. The internet has
a sort of cat renaissance, but for the most pa
lad re swimming upstream, going against the pet-
owner grain. And that is the kind of girl you want.
Why would you want a dog lady? She always has to
go home and let her dog out. It gets jealous and bites.
It has to be walked. It barks. You always have to stay
at her place. Cat ladies are cool. We're not up at the.
crack of dawn to drag you on a hike with our dumb
dog. We're cuddler: s are soft. And tired all the
time. We, and our cats, like to sleep in and be lazy. We
don't have to get up and let our cats out. Cats shit in
boxes! You can't get lazier than that.

Cats are also the most aloof pets. This aloofness
makes them independent. And cat owners admire
this independence because they themselves are
independent. You don't want a woman who has to be
attached at the hip. And guess what—Cat Lady can't
be attached at the hip, because she has a reason to go
home in the morning. Actually, I have two reasons.
But don't worry. If you want to go away for a weekend,
I can go. And unlike Dog Lady, I won't bring my cats.
ГІ leave them at home, because cats can take care of
themselves, like their owners.

Cat ladies are willing to clean up urine, vomit and feces that
didn't come from them. You can't show us anything we haven't
seen. We're unflappable. I gave my cat Emmett insulin shots
every 12 hours for six years. We're caretakers. If you're sick, ГИ
give you medicine. If you're good, I'll give you a treat. If you're
drunk and piss your pants, I'll throw them in the laundry and
pretend it didn't happen. Cat ladies will take care of you. They
want to take care of you.

And I'd like to remind y:
good at it, they say you're a

Now, I'm not a crazy cat lady, just a cat lady. So if a girl calls
her cats "fur babies" or has а cat stroller (I had one for a short
time before I realized it was a mistake), then maybe it's not
going to work. But have an open mind about cat ladies. A lot
of qualities you're looking for in a woman could be in your
own backyard...literally. One of her cats could have escaped
and she might be looking for him back there. Or she could be
at your gym or office or living in your building. Maybe she"
buzzing the Chinese take-out guy in right now. Go find hei
Just bring a lint roller. =

lle, but if you're

47

‚PLBY»

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Whenever I'm hungover, my
sex drive goes to the redline. I
recover quickly but get turned
on by damn near ever
sce; I'm notable to keep it down.
I assume this is the result of a
biochemical reaction after my
body processes a large amount

woman I

PLAYBOY

itary adult toy you could ever buy."
Unlike rubber or plastic, glass toys
can be thoroughly sterilized, won't
cause irritation in people with
latex or plastic allergies and can be
heated in warm water to be made
more comfortable for use.

Recently Гус seen a lot of

of alcohol, but I've never heard
of this happening to anybody
else. Is there a logical explana-
tion behind my morning-after
craze?—R.H., Moscow, Idaho

You're not alone. The “horny
hangover" is prevalent enough to
warrant an entry in the Urban Dic-
tionary, but woefully little research is
ош there to explain the cause. Some
people theorize that a horny hangover
comes from the residual disinhibiting
effects of the previous night's alcohol.
Others think it has something to do
with the more primitive stale a hang-
over puts us in: Our complex think-
ing diminishes, and basic needs such
as food and sex come to the fore. The
"horny flu" is a phenomenon similar
10 your hangover. Think of them as
maladies with benefits.

V inherited an old bottle of Ken-
tucky bourbon and am curious
about its value. It's ап unopened
gallon of Old Charter that was
bottled in 1917. I showed photos
of it to a clerk at a liquor store,
and he said it could be worth a
great deal of money. What do you
think?—B.M., Augusta, Georgia
old bottles of spirits have
become а hot commodity with col-
lectors, bartenders and thieves. Last
year, $26,000 worth of rare Pappy
Van Winkle bourbon was stolen from
a warehouse in Kentucky. Intact

When my girl
sex she had
ried. At my en
sex with him while we're fucki

jend and I have sex, we talk about the
her husband when they were mar-
‘ouragement, sometimes she has phone
ig (he doesn’t know I'm

advertisements for affordable
jewelry made with lab-created
diamonds. Would it be wise to
purchase an engagement ring
that uses one of these diamonds,
since I can get a larger stone for
less money? Or would it be be
ter to go with diamond?
I don't want to look cheap. I
love my girlfriend very much;
I just don't have the income to
provide a natural stone of the
size I feel she deserves.—M.R.,
Boise, Idaho

We wish diamond companies were
as romantic as you are. Much of the
mystique surrounding natural dia-
monds comes from the idea that they
are rare—and much of that scarci
has been created by diamond con-
glomerates that historically stockpile
supplies to drive up prices. Lab-
engineered diamonds are identical
in chemical composition and clar-
ity to natural, mined diamonds and
indistinguishable without laboratory
testing. If you do go the synthetic-
diamond route, you can be confident
that it is in fact a diamond by all
scientific measures. Plus, it was cre-
ated in a lab and not mined through
the backbreaking labor of workers in
countries with questionable human-
rights track records.

па 24-year-old man who,

booze bottles that predate Prohibi-
tion are particularly rare. A few top
mixologists at fancy bars in London,
Tokyo and New York charge well-
heeled patrons more than $100 for
a cocktail made with vintage spirits.
As for your bottle, the Old Charter
brand has been around since 1874
and is now owned by Bufjalo Trace
Distillery, one of the largest bourbon
companies in the U.S. According to
Mike Veach, bourbon historian at

the room). We both find this incredibly erotic, and
our sex life is off the charts. Is this a prelude to some-
thing bigger down the road, or do we just enjoy the
fantasy part of it?—E.S., New York, New York

It certainly sounds like it's working for you for now, but
have you considered the possibility that your girlfriend may
end up gravitating back to her ex? We ran your situation by
Los Angeles-based psychologist Melissa Tufeld, who points out

your sex play has actually moved beyond pure fantasy. "There
are three people involved,” she says. “Depending on if and how
things progress, you could end up being the third wheel." In the

ever since puberty, has had a
fetish for women's panties—
thongs, G-strings and bikini

style in particular. I never
panties, but I do use my girl-
friend's when I'm alone. I know
there are websites and maga-
zines dedicated to this, but 1
nt to know if any women en-
joy the same fetish and if there
are websites for women looking

Louisville, Kentucky's Filson Histori-

meantime, Tufeld smartly adds,

“Just don't cough

for guys who love panties. My
ultimate fantasy is that a woman

cal Society, if the bottle is authentic
and hasn't been opened and refilled, it could
bring $500 at auction.

Glass dildos seem like an accident wa
ing to happen. Why are they even made?
Glass strikes me as an antiquated mate-
rial to be using in the 21st century.—].A.,
Evanston, Illinois

Quite the opposite: Glass dildos offer quality
(there's nothing smoother), cleanliness (they're
nonporous) and environmental friendliness
(glassmaking uses less energy than plastic
or rubber manufacturing). For a pro's take

on glass dildos we talked to Shellie Yarnell,
owner of Crystal Delights, a leading manu-
facturer of American-made glass sex toys.
Yarnell has designed and manufactured glass
objects ranging from a trophy for the Femi-
nist Porn Awards to a torch-shaped dildo for
the big-budget (at least for porn) production
of Spartacus MMXII. (Check out her wares
at CrystalDelights.com; the company also has
a product line that benefits cancer charities.)
You want something handblown (rim shot!)
and made out of borosilicate, also known as
Pyrex, which Yarnell says makes "the most san-

will put her panties in my
mouth while I take her from behind. Am
Та freak?—M.Q,, Richmond, Virginia
You're not a freak, but as you said, you have
a fetish, which most sex researchers define
as a sexual preoccupation with a body part,
а material or an object. This is distinct from
paraphilia, which is basically a fetish that
leads to socially unacceptable behavior. You
say you don't steal panties, but it doesn't sound.
as though you've admitted your attraction to
undergarments to your girlfriend. Telling her
about it, rather than trawling the internet,
should be your first step toward exploring the

49

PLAYBOY

50

ultimate fantasy you describe. It’s commonly
thought that a fetish becomes a barrier to true
intimacy if you're more focused on the object
than on your partner. Pantyphilia is common
enough io have inspired a number of websites
that are happy to profit from your fetish and
sell you undies purportedly worn by women,
though how you can prove their authenticity is
beyond us (and good luck complaining to the
Better Business Bureau if you get a pair with
the distinct stink of male body odor).

I see tons of “Work From Home" ads on
Craigslist and message boards that tell
me I can make up to $500 а week if I'm
self-motivated. Are any of these pitches
legit, or are they all scams?—W.P, New
Orleans, Louisiana

Five hundred bucks is chump change com-
pared with the $1,800 a week one such ad
promised us. We clicked the link and found
ourselves at a website that claimed it would
tell us how to make money, but only after we
paid, which is how many of these companies
work. The Federal Trade Commission esti-
mates that only one in 55 of the work-from-
home ads you see online, in newspapers and
elsewhere is legitimate. Even the “legitimate”
ones require you lo pay out-of-pocket start-up
costs that you may never recoup; you take on
all the risk. And those are the operations that
aren't technically criminal. Others take your
credit card billing information and charge you
repeatedly for goods and services they don't
provide. The scams are so prevalent that the
FTC maintains a website to help consumers
avoid being ripped off by these companies. The
URL is a mouthful, so google “ЕТС business
opportunity scams” to learn more about it.

1 often get very wet while having sex,
which for a woman is awesome because
I've never had to use lubricants. Unfor-
tunately, my significant other has been
complaining that he is unable to climax
because I’m too slippery down there.
I'm also confident that my girl parts
are tight. Although I cannot control
how wet I get, I wipe myself as much
as possible during the act, Is there any-
thing else I can do to help him climax?
Is this a typical male complaint?—L.D.,
Indianapolis, Indiana

You're not the first person to reach out to
us on this matter, but women who have the
opposite condition outnumber you by far. That
said, some women produce more fluid at vari-
ous points during their menstrual cycle. Pay
attention to the calendar to see if there's a pat-
tern, and then take advantage of the low-flow
days. You might also want lo try gripping your
boyfriend's cock with your thumb and first two
fingers for added friction at the entrance of
Your vagina. Think of this as a sort of drier,
tighter vaginal extension. It could take some
practice to get just right, but with
added pressure of your fingers will stimulate
him to the point of climax.

On the advice of my doctor, several
months ago I began exercising daily to
improve my cardiovascular health. But

when I factor in the time it takes to drive
to and from the gym and to do the work-
out itself (an hour-long workout with
weights and treadmill), plus the cost
of a gym membership, I can't help but
think I'm spending way too much time
and money. Now I don't have any free
time to hang out with my family in the
morning or see friends at night. Frankly,
I'm afraid ГЇЇ give up altogether and
slip back into my sedentary ways. Any
advice on how to stick with it? I can't
afford a personal trainer to keep me
motivated.—D.P, Kingston, New York

It sounds as if you've developed a pretty
good baseline fitness and don't want to back-
slide completely. Fortunately for you, one Y
the side benefits of our overscheduled,
worked culture is the boom in
out" DVD series you can watch at home, The
newest are P90X3 (a half-hour version of
the popular P90X series) and Focus T25,
an intense 25-minute workout program. Lest
you think this is just infomercial opportun-
ism, recent studies have shown that short,
intense workouts can provide the same car-
diovascular benefits as longer, more moderate
fitness regimens.

My wife and 1 have been together for
six years. She really enjoys sex, likes
vibrators and toys, and has orgasms
easily and often. When we met, the
subject of anal sex came up, and I was
surprised by her extremely strong dis-
missal of it—she said if I wanted to have
anal sex, I should do it with a man, not
her. So I figured that was that. How-
ever, I noticed that when we had sex,
she really enjoyed having her ass played
with. Fingering it always brought a
powerful orgasm—I'm talking claw-the-
sheets-and-scream-into-the-pillow type
of thing. As time has gone on, she has
let me slip my cock into her ass from
time to time, usually after she has had.
some drinks, and it is obvious she en-
joys it. Now here comes the strange
part: Afterward, we never talk about it,
as though it never happened. I find this
odd. Any ideas?—G.O., Wichita, Kansas

We think her initial negative reaction to
the idea might have io do with her not yet
knowing or trusting you in the early stages
of your relationship. Now that she’s secure in
the longevity of your. cpa and satisfied
with your sex life, she's clearly open to more
ideas and confident you're not going to leave
her for a guy. That said, we don't see much
point in exploring the why of it with her. Why
jeopardize a good thing? Ask yourself which
‘you prefer: anal or analysis? We think we
know what your answer will be.

What style dress shirt does President
Obama wear? I like the way the collars
sit—not too wide, not too pointy. I'd like
to get one with cuffs that button. Where
should I look?—M.C., San Antonio, Texas

The collar style President Obama is most
often seen wearing is called a medium-spread
or point collar, as it points downward more

dramatically than wider styles, such as spread
and semi-spread collars. J. Crew's Ludlow
point-collar dress shirt (around $80) is well
made and very similar to what you describe.

| have been celibate for one year, and
a friend of mine has offered to provide
me with oral sex. He says if you do only
oral, with no penetration, you remain
celibate. Is this true, or is he just trying
to get into my pants? I have known him.
for about six years, and he has never
made a pass at me, not even close. We
have even slept in the same bed. What
should 1 do? Will I still be celibatez—
T.H., Portland, Мате

Of course you won't be celibate. Since
уои те using the word “celibate” and not a
phrase like "hard up" or "off the market,"
we assume you're abstaining from sex for
religious reasons. But we're
religion would leave you unclear about the
definition a full year into it. A little Celibacy
101: In traditions ranging from Buddhism
lo Christianity to Hinduism, the basic idea
is that celibacy eliminates the distraction of
lust and the desire for physical gratification,
thereby helping practitioners focus solely on
their spiritual growth. That means abstain-
ing from sexual activity of all kinds: vaginal,
oral, anal, masturbation, even simply making
out. By sleepin, ng in the same bed with your

friend, you've already been pushing the limits.
po ‘you abandon celibacy altogether, we
suggest you first figure out exactly what you're
looking to gain from it. And yes, your friend
is just trying to get into your pants.

Several years ago 1 purchased knives
at a culinary store, and they were not
cheap. I use a sharpening steel before
and after each use, hand wash them and
keep them in protective covers when
they aren't being used. Obviously, after
years of use, they are starting to dull.
1 don't want to ruin the blades with a
cheap knife sharpener you can buy at
any store. Would you please give me
some direction as to how to properly
sharpen them so that it's done correctly
and I get my lifetime guarantee out of
them?—D.O., Edmonton, Alberta

Ask local restaurants to recommend a good
professional sharpener in your area. Failing
that, consider buying the Edgecraft Chef's
Choice 120 three-stage electric sharpener,
which goes for around $150. It grinds, hones
and sharpens. Use the grinding stage spar-
ingly, as it can take considerable metal off your
blade over time, With light maintenance, some
of our knives are more than 10 years old and
still slice and dice like they're brand-new.

For answers to reasonable questions relating
to food and drink, fashion and taste, and sex
and dating, write the Playboy Advisor, 9346
Civic Center Drive, Beverly Hills, California
90210, or e-mail advisor@playboy.com. The
most interesting and pertinent questions will
be presented in these pages each month.

SLEEPERS AWAKE

In today’s 24/7 world, sleep is the last refuge

of the human
BY JONATHAN CRARY

or 2155 century military plan-

ners and strategists whose

primary concern is total

dominance, any distinction

between night and day is ir-
relevant. It's no surprise that DARPA,
the advanced research division of the
Pentagon, spends large
amounts of money to
discover ways to enable
soldiers to go without
sleep. In laboratories
across North America,
scientists are conducting.
experimental trials of
sleeplessness techniques,
including neurochemi-
cals, gene therapy and
transcranial magnetic stimulation. The
near-term goal is to find ways for a
combatant to go without sleep for seven
days—and in the longer term perhaps
two weeks—while preserving high levels

The quest now

is toreduce

the body’s
need for sleep.

of mental and physical performance.
Existing means of producing sleepless-
ness have inevitably been accompanied
by troublesome cognitive and psychic
side effects, such as reduced alertness.
This was the case with the widespread
use of amphetamines in most 20th
century wars and more
recently with drugs such
as Provigil. The quest
now is not to find ways
to stimulate wakefulness
but to reduce the body's
need for sleep.

The larger goal of
this research is to en-
able human beings to
more closely mimic tech-
nological devices and networks. The
corporate-military complex wants
to develop forms of "augmented
cognition" that will supposedly en-
hance many kinds of human-machine

ILLUSTRATION BY JUSTIN PAGE

READER
RESPONSE

DEATH BECOMES US ALL

As a philosophy student, I often
come across thinkers who try to

i
jj | make sense of their own morality.

Death is perhaps the central
question that underlies both
philosophy and religion. Cicero
once said, “To study philosophy is
nothing but to prepare one’s self
to die.” More broadly, perhaps
simply to live is to prepare oneself
to die. Many le have talked.
about death, bie few have so
poignantly expressed death's
inescapability and ultimate
acceptance quite like Donald Hall
("Buying the Farm," January/
February). In a way that's more
beautiful than anything I've

read before, Hall thoughtfully

writes about what most people
are too afraid to discuss. In the
back of our minds we know that
death is our fate, and for most

it is a terrifying thought. Hall
lightheartedly writes about his
own soon—though hopefully пос
too soon—demise and also helps
us understand that perhaps death
isn't so bad after all. Maybe our
death is all about perspective, We
see death everywhere, but when

51

52

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it comes to speaking of our own
death, the conversation usually
stops. "Death is not the worst that
can happen to men," Plato said,
and Donald Hall shows us just.
how right Plato was. Thank you
for running an incredible piece by
an incredible writer.

Zachary Gekas

New York, New York

ORANGE IS NOT
THE NEW BLACK

In December's Reader Response,
Rodger Alan Gibson makes an
absurd comment. He says, "Gays
arent the new blacks; felons are.”
While I agree that the justice
system is messed up—and that
you and other felons are getting
à raw deal—the comparison

of felons to blacks (or gays) is
ridiculous. Again, we must talk
about choices. Being black isn't a

choice. Neither is being gay. But
three times you chose to break the
law? Yes, the law may be wrong,
but those choices were made

by you. Man up. You weren't

born with those three strikes.

You decided that you wanted to
continue breaking the law. You
chose to be a felon.

Joe LaBonte
Converse, Texas

THE FUTURE IS RENEWABLE
I'm gratified to see serious
conservative opposition to the
Keystone XL pipeline (“Don't
Drillon Me,” December). This
development underscores the
hope that the most myopic
people in our culture can see that

IN AN ERA OF AROUND-THE-CLOCK MARKETS
AND INCESSANT WORK, THERE IS LITTLE TIME
FOR US TO DREAM OR EVEN TO LIVE,

interaction. As history has shown, the
broader society inevitably assimilates
war-related innovations; the sleepless
soldier becomes the forerunner of the
sleepless worker or consumer. When
aggressively promoted by pharmaceu-
tical companies, products that induce
sleeplessness would first become a life-
style option and eventually, for many,
a necessity.

Around-the-clock markets and a
global infrastructure
for unceasing work and
consumption have existed
for some time, but soon we
will be forced to coincide
with them even more
intensively. Only recently
have our personal and

al identities been
reorganized to conform
to the uninterrupted
operation of markets,
information networks
and other systems

А 24/7 world refashions human life
into a duration without breaks, de-
fined by the principle of continuous
functioning. It is beyond clock time. It
is a time that no longer passes.

Behind the banality of the
catchphrase, 24/7 is a reordering of
experience severed from the rhythm
of human life. It connotes an arbitrary,
uninflected schema of a week, devoid
of varied or cumulative expe
say "24/365," for example, would not be
the same, for this suggests an extended

nce. To

The 24/7
reality doesn’
disclose the
human cost
required to

sustain it.

temporality in which something could
actually change, in which unforeseen
events might happen. The 24/7 reality
resembles a social world, but itis actually
an abstract model of performance and
a suspension of living that doesn't
disclose the human cost required to
sustain it. It must be distinguished
from what philosopher Georg Lukács
and others in the early 20th century
identified as the empty, homogeneous
time of modernity, the ric or
calendar time of nations,
industry, from which individual hopes
and projects were excluded. What is
new here is the sweeping
abandonment of the
assumption that time
is coupled to any long-
term undertakings, even
to fantasies of progress
or development
This makes 24/7 a time
of indifference, against
h the fragility of
human life is increasingly
inadequate and within
which sleep has no
necessity or inevitability.
In relation to labor, it renders plausible,
even normal, the idea of working
without pause, without limits. It is
aligned with the inanimate, inert and
unaging. As an advertising exhortation
it announces the absoluteness of
availability and hence the boundlessness
of our desires. We are long past an
era in which we accumulated mainly
things. Now our bodies assimilate an
ever-expanding overload of services,
images and chemicals to a toxic or even
fatal threshold.

Тһе long-term survival of the indi-
vidual is undesirable if it includes even
the possibility of interludes without
shopping or its frenetic promotion. In
related ways, 24/7 is inseparable from
environmental catastrophe because it
entails permanent expenditure and
endless waste. It disrupts the cycles on
which ecological survival depends.

But slecp—with its profound usc-
lessness, intrinsic passivity and incalcu-
lable loss of productivity
and consumption—will
always collide with the
demands of a 24/7 uni-
verse. The portion of
our lives that we spend
asleep, freed from ful-
filling a proliferation of
false needs, subsists as
one of the great human
rebukes to the vora-
ciousness of contempo-
rary culture. Sleep is
an uncomprom
terruption of capitalism's theft of our
time. Most of our seemingly irreduc-
ible appetites—hunger, thirst, sexual
desire and, recently, the need for
friendship—have now been commodi-
fied or financialized. Sleep, however,
is an interval of human time that can't
be colonized and harnessed to an en-
gine of profitability (sleeping pills and
mattresses notwithstanding). It thus
remains an anomaly and the site of cri-
sis in the global present. Despite the
scientific research in this area, sleep
frustrates any strategies to exploit or
reshape it. The inconceivable truth is
that no meaningful monetary value
can be extracted from sleep.

Given the immensity of what is at
stake economically, we shouldn't be

Sleepis

an unseen

reminder of

the premodern
agricultural

world,

surprised that there is now an ero-
sion of sleep everywhere. Throughout
the 20th century, steady inroads were
made against the time of sleep. The
average American adult now sleeps
approximately six and a half hours a
night, down from eight hours a genera-
tion ago and (hard as it is to believe) 10
hours in the early 20th century. In the
mid-20th century the familiar adage
that we spend a third of our lives asleep
seemed to be axiomatic,
but now it is a quaint
assumption that contin-
ues to be undermined,
Sleep is a ubiquitous but
unseen reminder of the
premodern agricultural
world that began disap-
pearing 400 years ago.
But that world has never
been fully vanquished,
Sleep embeds in our lives
the rhythmic oscillations
of solar light and dark-
ness, activity and rest, work and recu-
peration. Such oscillations have been
eradicated or neutralized elsewhere.

In spite of its insubstantiality and n
straction as a slogan, the implacabi
of 24/7 is in its impossible PM
ity. It is always a disparagement of the
frailty and limits of human time, with
its blurred, meandering textures. It ef-
faces the relevance or value of respite
and variability. Its celebration of рет-
petual "on-demand" access conceals
its eradication of the periodicity that
shaped most cultures for several mil-
lennia. The daily pulse of waking and
sleeping, and the longer alternations
between days of work and a day of wor-
ship or rest, became a seven-day week
for ancient Mesopotamians, Hebrews

WAKING LIFE

Americans live longer but sleep less

Average Hours of Sloop

sa

FORUM EJ

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READER RESPONSE

short-term gain can lead to real
pain. Hydrocarbon solutions for
energy are not what we need in
the 21st century anyway. It's time
for the oilers to retire their 19th
century tech or opt to implement.

ути
Mark Z. ‘Jacobson made ы clear
in a recent interview with David
man. “It’s a social and
political issue, primarily," Jacobson

said. I say the U.S. needs ап
initiative as sweeping as the Apollo
program to bring renewables on
line quickly, enacted with the same
zeal and commitment that put
men on the moon. Clearly a huge
economic windfall awaits nations
that take the lead in renewable-
energy technology. The U.S.
needs to step up now. Munich has
made a clear policy decision to be
powered by renewables by 2025. If
the U.S. doesn't commit to leading
in this arena, then it will be at the
back of the pack, buying tech from
those that do, and our country
will miss out on all the economic
gains from new jobs. Jacobson
says power from renewables is
doable by midcentury. There is no
downside to solar and wind energy
powering the world. It's inevitable.
Will Brown

Berwyn, Pennsylvania

WIND OF CLIMATE CHANGE
If Joseph Kutch seriously wants
to provide adequate criticisms of
scientists and progressive political
activists such as Al Gore, it would

EJ Forum

54

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READER RESPONSE

be worth his while to do exten
sive research on the subject of
man-made global warming (Reader
Response, January/February). If

he had done so, he would һауе
discovered that around 1970 six
times as many scientists predicted
global warming rather than global
cooling. Since then our vast pool
of more accurate data, collected
by more sophisticated rescarch
methods, has virtually eliminated
the sensationalistic myth of global
cooling. Prior to 1970, records did
indicate cooling trends, and some
scientists did anticipate another
ice age happening within the next
few centuries. Also, the knowl-
edge that certain aerosols created
by man might cause such cool
was a contributing factor for this
prediction. But current data have
shown that areas of cooling during
that time were more frequently

in northern regions. Since then,
the possibility ofan impending

ice age has lost almost all valida-
tion. Out of 68 different studies
(done between 1965 and 1979)

et

this supposed cooling trend was
predicted by only 10 percent of
climate scientists, while 28 percent
took no stance and 62 percent
correctly predicted warming. The
only reason this cooling myth
remains alive is because the media
(including Hollywood) have sen-
sationalized a faulty theory. Today
97 percent of climate scientists

А BUSY STREET IN TOKYO'S GINZA DISTRICT:
HUMAN TIME NOW LIMITS OUR ABILITY TO
SHOP AND WORK AROUND THE CLOCK.

and others. The weekend is the mod-
ern residue of those long-standing
systems, but even this marking of time
erodes in 24/7 homogeneity. Naturally
these earlier distinctions (individual
days of the week, holidays, seasonal
breaks) persist, but their significance is
being erased by the monotonous indis-
tinctions of 24/7.

Of course, people will continue to
sleep. Even sprawling
megacities will still have
nocturnal intervals of
relative quiet. But sleep
is now an experience
cut loose from notions of
necessity and nature. In-
stead, like so much else,
it is defined only instru-
mentally and physiologi-
cally. Recent research has
shown that the number of
people who wake them-
selves up at least once a night to check
messages is growing exponentially. One
seemingly inconsequential but preva-

lent phrase is sleep mode. The notion of

a machine in a state of low-power readi-
ness remakes the larger sense of sleep
into just a deferred or diminished con-
dition of operationality and access. It
supersedes an off/on logic. Nothing is
ever fundamentally “off,” and there is
never an actual state of rest.

According to the logic of global capi-
talism, sleep is an irrational and i
tolerable affirmation that there might
be limits to how compatible we can be

Sleep isnow
an ea
ence cutloose
from notions of
necessity.

with the allegedly irresistible forces of
modernization. One of the truisms of
what passes for contemporary wisdom
is that there are no unalterable givens
of nature. Even death, we are told,
will be overcome when we download
our minds into digital immortality.
To believe that there are any essential
features that distinguish living beings
from machines is, we are told by cel-
ebrated с and delusional.
Why should anyone object if new drugs
could allow us to work at our jobs 100
hours straight? Wouldn't flexible and

reduced sleep time allow
us more personal free-
dom? Grant us the abil-
ity to customize our lives
in accordance with our
individual needs and de-
sires? Wouldn't less sleep
allow more chance for
“living life to the fullest"?

One might object that
human beings are meant
to sleep at night, that our
bodies are aligned with
the daily rotation of our planet and that
seasonal and solar-responsive behaviors
occur in almost every living organism.
To which the reply would likely be: This
is just pernicious New Age nonsense.
Within the globalist neoliberal para-
digm, sleep is for losers.

As the major remaining obstacle
to the full realization of 24/7 opera-
tions, sleep cannot be eliminated.
But it can be wrecked and despoiled.
And the methods and motivations to
accomplish this wrecking are fully in
place. With the collapse of regulated
forms of capitalism in the United States

ics, naiv

peri

and Europe, rest and recuperation are
no longer necessary components of
economic growth and profitability. Al-
lotting time for human rest and regen-
eration is now simply too
expensive within con-
temporary capitalism.
Sleeplessness is the state
in which producing,
consuming and discard-
ing occur without pause,
hastening the exhaus-
tion of life and depletion
of resources. The injur-
ing of sleep is insepara-
ble from the ongoing dis-
mantling of social pro-
tections in other spheres.
Just as access to clean
drinking water has been
programmatically dimin-
ished around the globe,
with the accompanying monetization
of bottled water, we can see a similar
construction of scarcity in relation to
sleep. All the encroachments on it cre-
ate the insomniac conditions in which
sleep must be bought (even if we are
paying for a chemically modified state
that only approximates actual sleep).
In 2012 nearly 60 million pills such as
Ambien or Lunesta were prescribed to
‘Americans. Millions more bought over-
the-counter sleep products.

Clearly, no one can ever shop,
game, work, blog, download or text
24 hours a day, seven days a week.
However, since no moment, place or
situation now exists in which we cannot
shop, consume or exploit networked
resources, there is a relentless incursion
of nontime into every aspect of our
lives. There are now, for example,
almost no circumstances that cannot
be recorded, displayed or archived as
digital imagery or information. The
promotion and adoption of wireless
technologies, and their annihilation of
the singularity of place and event, are
simply aftereffects of new institutional
requirements. In its despoliation of the
rich textures and ambiguities of human
time, 24/7 urges an unsustainable and
self-liquidating identification with its
phantasmic requirements. It solicits
an open-ended but always unfinished
investment in the many products for
facilitating this identification. This new
model may not eliminate experiences
external to or unreliant on it, but it
does impoverish and diminish them.

Located somewhere on the border
between the social and the natural, sleep
ensures the presence in the world of
the phasic and cyclical patterns that are
essential to life and incompatible with
capitalism. Because capitalism cannot
limit itself, the notion of preservation or
conservation is impossible. Against this
background, the restorative stillness

Sleep ensures
the presence
in the world

of the phasic

and cyclical
patterns that
are essential
to lif

of sleep counters the deathliness of all
the accumulation, financialization and
waste that have devastated anything we
once held in common.

Within the immense
domains of sleep, dam-
aged but abiding at the
heart of life, are a multi-
tude of dreams. But one
thread of dreaming su-
persedes all others: It is
of a shared world whose
fate is not terminal, a
world without billion-
aires that has a future
that is neither barbaric
nor post-human, one in
which history can take
on forms other than
worn-out nightmares
of catastrophe. It's pos-
sible that in many di
ferent places, in many disparate states,
including reverie and daydream, the
imaginings of a future without capital-

rar
агл

Wo
иш Varia:

LONDON OFFICES AT NIGHT: SHOULD WE
OBJECT IF NEW DRUGS ENABLE US TO WORK
Ат OUR JOBS FOR 100 HOURS STRAIGHT?

ism begin as dreams of sleep. These
would be intimations of sleep as a radi-
cal interruption, as a refusal of the un-
sparing weight of our global present,
of sleep that—at the most mundane
level of everyday experience—can al-
ways rehearse the outlines of what
more consequential renewals and be-

ginnings might be. =

Jonathan Crary, professor of modern art at
Columbia University, is author of 24/7: Late
Capitalism and the Ends of Sleep.

FORUM

¥

READER RESPONSE

(excluding deniers and industry
minions who work for big oil) pre-
dict continued warming. Although
changes in both the Earth’s tilt
and orbit have been observed, sci-
entists have now determined that
another ice age, supposedly sched-
uled within the next few centuries,
is unlikely. We now know that the.
accumulation of man-made green-
house gases is much greater than
any cooling caused by changes
in the Earth's tilt, orbit or volca-
nic activity. The resulüng changes
in solar output could cause slight
cooling but not when human
activities are factored into the
equation. Not only is man-made
global warming real, but scientists
have diligently explored all other
possible causes that might explain
it. Current data have provided
valid evidence that humans are
indeed the culprits. Kutch might
do well to consider the loss of
human lives and the countless bil-
lions of dollars of damage caused
by storms of increasing size and
power such as the hurricane that
recently devastated the Philip-
pines. The increase in man-made
CO; emissions has likely helped
make such record-breaking and
increasingly frequent storms pos-
sible. Now more than ever we
need an increase in taxes, govern-
ment regulations and academic
research. Denial campaigns һауе
delayed the public's acceptance
and support for effective politi-
cal action to diminish the effects of
global warming. Deniers have suc-
ceeded only in putting all of our
futures at risk—including theirs.

Peter Johnson

Superior, Wisconsin
SHAKE THE DISEASE
Violations of personal liberties
are like simple infections (“The
Surveillance Industry,” October).
When an unwanted host enters
a body, it triggers an immune
res] to fight the intruder. Just
E
venom, so will liberty be restored.
from its violations.

Rinaldo РШа
Venafro, Italy

E-mail letters @playboy.com.
Or write 9346 Civic Center Drive,
Beverly Hills, California 90210.

So Rich!
So Smooth!

Enjoy the pleasure!

New Newport

Non-Menthol Coty

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking
By Pregnant Women May Result in Fetal
Injury, Premature Birth, And Low Birth Weight.

PLAYBOY INTERVIEW

NICK DENTON

A candid conversation with the internet maverick about his growing
Gawker empire, the end of privacy and how crowdsourcing will cure cancer

Manti T'o had а fake girlfriend. Rob Ford
smoked crack. Brett Favre texted photos of
his junk to a young woman. That these and
countless other onetime secrets are now pub-
lic knowledge is thanks to Nick Denton, the
founder and owner of a network of news-and-
gossip websites called Gawker Media. When
Denton, a U.K.-reared financial journalist,
founded it in 2002, he was already a success-
ful entrepreneur tu having started
and sold First Tuesday, which produced net-
working parties for young professionals in
technology and related fields, and Moreover
Technologies, which automated the process of
aggregating news headlines for websites. The
two sales netted around $90 million.
Denton's third company started as one site:
Gawker, a nasty and funny blog about New
York's cultural and financial elite as viewed by
the resentful underclass. A sensation from its
launch, it spawned sister sites covering gad-
gets (Gizmodo), sports (Deadspin), women's
issues (Jezebel) and other subjects. Operating
outside the journalistic establishment and its
constraints, Gawker Media writers were the
first to break the scandals around Te'o, Ford
‘and Favre. They also published the photo that
forced “Craigslist congressman” Chris Lee to
resign and got their hands on a prototype of the
then top-secret iPhone 4—a scoop that drew

ice от

“Every infringement of privacy is sort of liber-

ating: Afterward, you have less to lose; you're
а freer person. Shouldn't we all want to own
our own story? You could argue that privacy
has never really existed.

considerable heat from law enforcement and a
furious personal response from Steve Jobs.

Despite the hundreds of millions of page
views these and other stories have yielded—
translating into an estimated $40 million in
annual ad revenue—Denton isn't satisfied.
Gauker's reliance on journalists is, he believes,
a fatal weakness, one he means to correct with
а пеш system called Kinja, which he is cur-
rently in the process of refining. Part publish-
ing platform, part social network, Kinja aims
to do nothing less than turn Gawker Media's
80 million monthly readers into willing ac-
complices, a virtual nation of gossip reporters
In fact, PLAYBOY is also an accomplice, regu-
larly republishing articles from both the maga-
zine and its digital platforms on Kinja.

To pry secrets out of the man who exposes
the secrets of others, PLAYBOY tapped respected
media writer Jeff Bercovici. He reports
“When I first sat down with Denton, he had
some personal news he was happy to share:
He had just gotten engaged to his boyfriend,
Derrence Washington, a handsome African
American actor. The two live together in a
vast and somewhat severe loft apartment in
SoHo, where we conducted much of this in-
terview (when we weren't eating Thai food
at a nearby restaurant). A trim 46, Denton
dresses in casual but stylish clothes of gray

“Who gives a fuck about wearable computing?
That's just a detail. I mean improvement in bio-
tech, curing cancer, efficient travel into orbit,
solving carbon emissions. All these other prob-
lems will be solved by the internet.”

and black and keeps his salt-and-pepper hair
cropped short. Feared and reviled by so many,
in person he is candid and voluble, with no
shortage of opinions and no fear about be-
traying his own privacy.”

PLAYBOY: You've said the mission of
Gawker is to publish the stories that
journalists talk about with one another
in private but never write.

DENTON: Yeah, the founding myth
of Gawker happens to be true. I was
a journalist at the Financial Times
Whenever you work at a newspaper,
particularly a newspaper with high
standards, you're struck by the gap
between the story that appears in the
paper the next day and what the journalist
who wrote that story will tell you about
it after deadline. The version they tell
over a drink is much more interesting—
legally riskier, sometimes more trivial,
and sometimes it fits less neatly into the
institution's narrative. Usually it's a lot
truer, The very fact that a journalist will
ask another journalist who has a story іп
the paper, “бо what really happened
now, just think about that question. It's
a powerful question. It's the essence of
all meaningful gossip. That's why this

н RIUS BUGGE
“The New York Times will exist. I think the
Times has bottomed out, and now it will be able
to put on more in digital revenue than it loses
in print. Or I hope so, because I like the Times.
There should be at least one or two survivors."

57

PLAYBOY

58

discussion system, Kinja, is so important.
It actually allows us to fulfill our original
objective, which is to treat everybody
equally, to find interesting stories
wherever they are, not just if a celebrity
is involved. That's not economical with
paid journalists doing all the work. We
need reader help. If we're covering you,
we need your colleagues to rat you out
or your exes to put in bits and pieces. It
has to be a collaborative effort.

PLAYBOY: So Kinja is your bet that in 10
years we will all be part ofa crowdsourced
gossip press reporting on one another.
DENTON: The Panopticon—the prison
in which everybody is exposed to
scrutiny all the time. Do you remember
the website Fucked Company? It was
big in about 2000, 2001. I was CEO of
Moreover Technologies at the time. А
saleswoman put in an anonymous report
to the site about my having paid for the
eye operation of a young male executive
I had the hots for. The story, like many
stories, was roughly half true. Yes, there
was a young male executive. Yes, he did
have an eye operation. No, it wasn't
paid for by me. It was paid for by the
company's health insurance according
to normal procedure. And no, I didn't
fancy him; I detested him. It's such a
great example of Fucked Company and,
by extension, most internet discussion
systems. There's some real truth that gets
told that is never of a scale to warrant
mainstream media attention, and there's
also no mechanism for fact-checking, no
mechanism to actually converge on some
real truth. It's out there. Half of it's right.
Half of it's wrong. You don't know which
half is which. What if we could develop
a system for collaboratively reaching the
truth? Sources and subjects and writers
and editors and readers and casual
armchair experts asking questions and
answering them, with follow-ups and
rebuttals. What if we could actually have
а journalistic process that didn't require
paid journalists and tape recorders
and the cost of a traditional journalistic
operation? You could actually uncover
everything—every abusive executive,
every corrupt eye operation.

PLAYBOY: What are the implications for
the broader society? What does America
look like from inside the Panopticon?
DENTON: When people take a look at
the change in attitudes toward gay
rights or gay marriage, they talk about
the example of people who came out,
celebrities who came out. That has
a pretty powerful cffect. But even
more powerful are all the friends and
relatives, people you know. When it's no
longer some weird group of faggots on
Christopher Street but actually people
you know, that’s when attitudes change,
and my presumption is the internet is
going to be a big part of that. You're
going to be bombarded with news you
wouldn't necessarily have consumed—
information, humanity, texture. I think

Facebook, more than anything else, and
the internet have been responsible for a
large part of the liberalization of the past
five or 10 years when it comes to sex,
when it comes to drinking. Five years
ago it was embarrassing when somebody
had photographs of somebody drunk
as a student. There was actually a
discussion about whether a whole
generation of kids had damaged their
career prospects because they put up
too much information about themselves
in social media. What actually happened
was that institutions and organizations
changed, and frankly any organization
that didn't change was going to handicap
itself because everyone, every normal
person, gets drunk in college. There are
stupid pictures or sex pictures of pretty
much everybody. And if those things are
leaked or deliberately shared, I think
the effect is to change the institutions
rather than to damage the individuals.
The internet is a secret-spilling machine,
and the spilling of secrets has been very
healthy for a lot of people's lives.

PLAYBOY: The secret-spilling-machine
part seems self-evident. As for the liber-

Look at Steve Jobs. Did
he or did he not advance
human civilization? Was he
not an agent of progress?
He’s like one of those
Victorian figures.

alizing part, there's a lot of data that says
essentially the more information people
have, the more entrenched they become
in their own views—the more they suffer
from confirmation bias.

DENTON: Obviously sometimes you go
on Facebook and it's totally one-note
and there's no real discussion or argu-
ment. You can have a debate on Twitter,
but I've never seen anyone persuaded
there. Twitter is bad for our intellectual
health. That's something I would like to
do something about. It would be nice to
have a civil place for argument. It should
be like a good seminar—in an English
university, where people actually dis-
agree, not an American one.

PLAYBOY: Is it possible you set a lower
value on privacy than most people do?
DENTON: I don't think people give a fuck,
actually. There was a moment when I
thought some sex pictures of me were
about to land. Someone claimed to have
some and to be marketing them. I even
thought I knew where they'd come
from—I'd lost a phone. But it turned
out to be a hoax.

PLAYBOY: And you weren't freaked out?

DENTON: It would have been mortifying,
but every infringement of privacy is sort.
of liberating. Afterward, you have less to
lose; you're a freer person. Shouldn't we
all want to own our own story?

PLAYBOY: You're more willing than most
people to organize your life according to
principle and see how the experiment
turns out.

DENTON: You could argue that privacy
has never really existed. Usually people's
friends or others in the village had a
pretty good idea what was going on. You
could look at this as the resurrection of
or a return to the essential nature of
human existence: We were surrounded
by obvious scandal throughout most
of human existence, when everybody
knew everything. Then there was a brief
period when people moved to the cities
and social connections were frayed, and
there was a brief period of sufficient
anonymity to allow for transgressive
behavior no one ever found out about.
That brief era is now coming to an end.
PLAYBOY: That doesn't jibe with your
other theory about how we'll judge one
another more kindly when we have по
privacy. Human history is not a history of
tolerance for deviation from the norm.
DENTON: You don't think there was a
kind of peasant realism? You hear these
stories about a small town, seemingly
conservative, and actually there's a sur-
prising amount of tolerance. “So-and-
so's a good guy. Who cares if he's a pig
fucker? His wife brought a really lovely
pie over when Mama was sick."

PLAYBOY: Do you feel the same about the
dilution of our privacy rights when gov-
ernments are doing it?

DENTON: I feel there are certain
efficiency gains, at least in the merging
of government databases. But that needs
to be counterbalanced by a reciprocal
openness on the part of government.
PLAYBOY: So you're okay with the NSA lis-
tening to your phone calls as long as you
can listen to the NSA's phone calls.
DENTON: I suppose that would be the ex-
treme manifestation.

PLAYBOY: For someone who is half-jokingly
referred to as the Dark Lord by employ-
сез, you're surprisingly optimistic, even
utopian, about the future.

DENTON: I am totally earnest.

PLAYBOY: What do you think about the
critique that the technology industry
does an amazing job solving the problems
of affluent people—especially affluent
men in their 20s and 30s, who make up
most of that industry's workforcc—and
a pretty crappy job of solving everybody
else's problems?

DENTON: It's a good point but wrong-
headed. Look at Steve Jobs. Did he or
did he not advance human civiliza-
tion? Was he not an agent of progress?
He's like one of those Victorian figures.
That's the tradition he’s in. How many
of those were there in the late 20th cen-
tury? Who was big in the 1980s? It was

financial engineers, people like John
Malone and Barry Diller. Now, through
technology, there's a new generation of
builders. Evan Williams of Blogger and
Twitter, Larry Page and Sergey Brin of
Google, Jeff Bezos of Amazon and of
course Steve Jobs.

PLAYBOY: Would you say Steve Jobs is опе
of your heroes?

DENTON: Yeah, absolutely.

PLAYBOY: And yet you famously antago-
nized him, buying a prototype of an
iPhone 4 that an Apple engineer had
misplaced months before it was ready
for release, and you published pictures
and video of it. What exactly happened?
DENTON: We've always advertised our
willingness to pay for information, which
is why we were approached when some-
body picked up an iPhone 4 prototype in
a bar. We negotiated with the people who
had the phone. It was a huge break—the
first time Apple's very controlled rollout
had been derailed by an accident. I for-
get how much we paid. It was cheap. It
was a crazy story. Steve Jobs was on the
phone to the editor of Gizmodo, saying,
“Give me my fucking phone back.” We
did two weeks of coverage. The journal-
ist who had seen the phone and reported
the story about Apple's secret prototype
had his apartment broken into.
PLAYBOY. Broken into?

DENTON: By police. It was Apple's pet
police force, some computer task force
in Silicon Valley that is notoriously close
to the tech industry. It was a great story.
PLAYBOY: Did it bother you, knowing that
one of your heroes pretty much hated
your guts?

DENTON: He does his job; we do our
job. His perfect thing requires both
excellence in engineering and user
interface and absolute control of the
marketing process so that when he goes
onstage, his product is a surprise. And
our purpose is at odds with his purpose.
Our purpose is to get information out
quickly according to our schedule, not
according to his schedule. So there's a
conflict. It doesn't mean we don't respect.
him. We did respect him.

PLAYBOY: What do you think of his suc-
cessor, Tim Cook?

DENTON: He has a hard act to follow.
PLAYBOY: Your websites have repeatedly
harped on him for being gay but not
publicly ош. Why?

DENTON: I mean, it's not as if there's any-
thing at all in his public persona or in
his pronouncements that is necessarily
at odds with his private homosexuality,
but I think it would be useful. It would
be socially useful for the most powerful
man in American business to be seen
and widely known as being gay. People
would see that if you're gay, you don't
have to be a fashion designer or a clos-
eted actor. There are other courses avail-
able for you. Just like it's important for
women to see successful business tycoons
who are women or just to see a range of

options open to them. What about me,
somebody for whom traditional gay ca-
reers have no appeal whatsoever?
PLAYBOY: You managed to make it with-
out any gay technology role models.
DENTON: Yeah, but maybe at a cost of
feeling 1 had to make accommodations
or choices between professional success
and personal happiness—forced choices.
PLAYBOY. So by making it harder for
leaders to stay in the closet, websites like
yours are doing good by our gay sons
and daughters. Once again, you side
with the camp that says the internet is
making our lives better and technology
is propelling us toward a better future.
DENTON: It's not quite as simple as that.
I think it will be generally good for the
cause of social liberalism and recogniz-
ing each other's flawed but wonderful
humanity. You can make a strong argu-
ment that Tim Berners-Lee and the doz-
en people who were involved at various
critical stages of the development of the
web did more good than all the foreign
aid workers and all the liberal military
interventions over the past 50 years.
Think of a peasant who has historically

I think technological change
is going to be great for the
rejuvenation of decrepit eco-
nomic systems like that of the
United States. This society
needs a big jolt.

been hoodwinked by middlemen on the
price of his harvests, and now you're giv-
ing him the information he needs for a
stronger negotiating position. Here you
have somebody playing around with
the operating system of the information
economy. Actually, it’s sort of accidental;
some of the early pioneers didn't realize
what they were doing, yet it’s far more
meaningful than any deliberate effort
to help the poor. You could argue that
Uber may do more for the planet than
foreign aid workers in Mozambique
because at some point some version of
Uber will allow for more efficient use of
resources and a better standard of living.
PLAYBOY: How does a taxi-hailing app.
help humanity?

DENTON: It's a great example of surge
pricing. Any economist would tell you
surge pricing is eminently sensible; if you
cap prices, you stop a market from work-
ing in a way it could work. But it offends
people’s sense of fairness because surge
pricing basically means we are rationing
supply of this commodity, transport, at
peak times to rich people, people who
can afford it. It takes notional inequality

and turns it into something concrete—
the poor person is waiting in the rain for
a taxi that will never come, and the rich
person has a black Mercedes come scoop
them up. But it's inevitable. It will hap-
pen everywhere, in every market.
PLAYBOY: How can you be so sure?
DENTON: Markets are more efficient
mechanisms for the distribution of зег-
vices. The only thing that happens if
you don't have surge pricing in a city
like New York is that the limos and the
cars dry up at certain times. Then no-
body gets anything. And maybe that’s
the point. Maybe the point is that human
beings are not so much concerned with
their well-being as with their relative
position. If they can't have access to this
thing that's in short supply, then they
don't want anybody else to either.
PLAYBOY: What about Airbnb? That's а
imilar model—another so-called two-
ided marketplace, except for lodging
instead of transportation.

DENTON: It's the same thing, a clear eco-
nomic benefit from underused resources
such as empty apartments or drivers who
don't have passengers. 1 like the idea of
completely distributed marketplaces.
Ultimately we'll see this idea applied to
anything that can be quantified, authen-
ticated, verified —whether it's limo ser-
vice, media, information, retail. There's
only gain to be had from making use of
wasted resources. You do have the ques-
tion of how to allocate the gain, but деп-
erally I believe in getting the gain and
then arguing about the allocation.
PLAYBOY: What does that world look
like, where everything is a perfectly ef-
ficient market and we're all both buyers
and sellers?

DENTON: It will become more atomized.
The Silicon Valley elite will control all the
marketplaces. Uber, Amazon, Google—all
these things are natural monopolies. There
are massive network effects, as economists
call them. The more drivers you have, the
more passengers you'll get; the more pas-
sengers you get, the more drivers you'll
have. And there will be room for only one
player in every major category.

PLAYBOY: So we're moving back to an age
of monopolies?

DENTON: Absolutely, there's no question
about that. The political question is what
you do about those monopolies.
PLAYBOY: Aren't monopolies inherently
inefficient?

DENTON: Well, they result in income in-
equality, above all, and abuse of power.
There's a concentration of power and
wealth among the managers, owners
and employees of monopolies, and usu-
ally the political system steps in to limit
the power of those monopolies. But I'm
pretty sure we'll end up with monopoly
taxation or nationalization, That is ulti-
mately the only answer to the concur-
rent concentration of power and money
in this country—a Google tax.

PLAYBOY: Google will basically bribe the

59

PLAYBOY

government notto break up its monopoly?
DENTON: Yeah. Or you can say the govern-
ment will bully Google to the point that it
cither pays fines for its abuse of monopo-
listic behavior—the current random appli-
cation of justice that seems to be landing
оп American banks—or you could have a
better system. You could have a more sys-
tematic approach, which would be to have
some kind of monopoly tax.
PLAYBOY: Google would effectively be-
come a sort of government-sanctioned
contractor or privatized agency.
DENTON: This is looking at Google as
a utility. Look at electric utilities, gas,
originally telecommunications, where
there were network effects, where
there were substantial investment costs
or capital-intensive barriers to entry.
These are classic criteria of a natural
monopoly. It’s going to be a monopoly,
and to break up those companies would
be absurd. If you break up Google,
you'll need a whole other search-engine
infrastructure. You're going to have to
build all those server farms, and you're
going to have a whole other team of
information scientists working on the
algorithms to improve searches. Yeah,
you could try to create some kind of
competition, but it would be absurd. So
if they are natural monopolies, then the
only question is, Who gets the monop-
oly profits, and who gets the monopoly
power? Is it going to be the sharehold-
ers, or is it going to be society at large?
PLAYBOY: What will be the life-changing
or society-changing technologies that
we're just starting to see now?
DENTON: The internet is it for this cen-
tury, maybe the next one too. People
ask what comes next too quickly. To
the extent there is some kind of mes-
sage in the valuation that the market
has given Twitter, it is that communica-
tion, information and media are at the
heart of this phase, this cycle, and it's a
long, long cycle that could last 50 or 100.
years. When you have an innovation as
rofound as the networking of sentient
eings... Those delusional futurists
who talked about Gaia, the planetwide
intelligence? They were spot-on. It's
totally happening, and everything else
comes out of that.
PLAYBOY: By “everything else," do you
mean wearable computing, self-driving
cars and that stuff?
DENTON: Who gives a fuck about wear-
able computing? That's just a detail. I
mean improvement in biotech, curing
cancer, efficient travel into orbit, better
device storage, solving carbon emissions.
All these other problems will be solved
by the internet by harnessing the collec-
tive intelligence. Everything else will fall
out with that.
PLAYBOY: That definitely sounds utopian.
To be clear, you just said the internet is
going to solve global warming, correct?
DENTON: Yeah. Intelligence connected to
human beings will achieve rates of tech-

nological progress that would have been
impossible in previous eras. Of course
we'll solve problems more quickly.
PLAYBOY: So the solution to global warm-
ing will be a technological fix?
DENTON: It might be a technological fix for
capturing carbon or getting off the planet
or coming up with nonpolluting fuels.
PLAYBOY: But it’s not going to be a polit
cal fix?
DENTON: No.
PLAYBOY: It's not going to be everybody
growing up and saying, “We need to
do this”?
DENTON: Oh, no. I think a good strat-
egy in life is to wait until you have a
good solution. Wind power, hybrid fuel
trains—these are partial solutions. No
one thinks they're viable. No one thinks
they're going to solve the problem.
They're basically token approaches.
Now, sometimes a token approach can
get people thinking, and maybe it starts
to develop a technology that will ulti-
mately be economically viable, but usu-
ally not. Usually it's better to say, "Okay,
this is a problem and it needs to be mon-
itored. But we don't have an answer for

I wasn't fully out [as a gay
man] until I was out to my
parents. If you're not out to
your parents, then you have
to maintain this protective
zone around them.

it right now, so let's come back to it in
five, 10 or 15 years, when we might have
a better answer.” I don't think that's nec-
essarily irresponsible.

PLAYBOY: So you're an optimist about
technological change but a cynic about
political change.

DENTON: I think technological change is
going to be great for the rejuvenation
of decrepit economic systems like that
of the United States. This country is
encrusted with privilege, mediocrity. It
has early signs of sclerosis. This society
needs a big jolt, It needs a big cleansing.
PLAYBOY: "Cleansing" sounds ominous.
DENTON: I mean in business and politics.
I don't think you'll find many people
who disagree with that now. This coun-
try, even in the tech sector, is full of
people who are on this merry-go-round,
who know the right headhunters and
basically pass each other jobs as if they
were a trade union with the sole rights
to these positions in which they demand
$500,000 a year. They move around from
start-up flip to start-up flip. They're not
incompetent; they're just not that good.
These are the midlevel scandals. If you

can industrialize gossip, if you can make
it truly scale, you can expose all the me-
diocrity and incompetence. Now you've
actually done something.

PLAYBOY: That's Pandora's box. It would
be terrifying to open.

DENTON: It would be fantastic. People
would actually have to work, and
they'd have to be good. It would be
great. Do you know how many lies
there are? Every single time people are
given the latitude to cheat and there’s
no one watching, no regulator and no
mechanism for whistle-blowers, you get
lies. Don't you ever get overwhelmed by
the sheer amount of bullshit?

PLAYBOY: Is that because of our broken
institutions, or is that just human nature?
DENTON: There's an accretion of
bullshit, like an accretion of junk DNA
in DNA, or fatty deposits in arteries.
If you want to move things on without
having a completely destructive revo-
lution, you need some mechanism to
put a big fucking shock in the system. I
came to this country because I thought.
it was something, you know? And yet
I'm more in love with the idea of the
United States than I am with the reality.
PLAYBOY: The idea being?

DENTON: Permanent revolution. Nothing
is sacred. The United States is distrib-
uted; it's resilient. There's lots of redun-
dancy built in, and it's big enough that
no establishment can control everything.
PLAYBOY: So the idea you came here for із
true, but it's not as true as you believe іс
will be in the future.

DENTON: The web is a deeply American
idea. The web is saving the United States
from sclerosis.

PLAYBOY: You're somebody whose
intelligence straddles two worlds, the
liberal-arts world and the engineering-
systems-based world. Did that shape
your career?

DENTON: There is definitely a type, like
a Mark Zuckerberg, who applies a logi-
cal way of thinking to the social grid.
I think that's pretty consistent among
people who have done well in social me-
dia. They're basically geeks who made
their accommodation, who actually sur-
vived high school. Not instinctively but
just through sheer force of will and intel-
lect, they made themselves understand
the system—who had the power in high
school and who you needed to align your-
self with and how to do it.

PLAYBOY: And that's you?

DENTON: I went to this weird school as a
kid, a Montessori school run by a couple
of American hippies who didn't believe
in age-defined streaming. It was a very
small school, so basically I had no con-
temporaries. I had no early socialization.
I was with kids quite a few years older
than I was. When I first went to a regular
school, at the age of 11, I was completely
unqualified to handle the environment.
PLAYBOY: What did you do?
DENTON:Iwas (continued on page 140)

| DIDN'T
SET OUT TO
WIN AWARDS

| dedicated over a decade of my life to make
Purity Vodka because | wanted to make a
vodka that tastes unlike any other — not just
win awards. Though | have to admit, going
to Cannes and winning 11 Gold and Master
medals in 11 different categories at the
Spirits Business awards, definitely brought

a smile to my face.

But don't take their word for it. try it for

yourself and you be the judge.

Skål,

After

Thomas Kuuttanen
Founder and Master Blender

PURIT Y
VODKA

Winner of 64 MASTER AND
GOLD MEDALS since 2002

IMPORTED VODKA
40K ALC. BY VOL
90 PROOF

The Most Awarded Ultra-Premium Vodka In The World

purityvodka.com ° facebook.com/purityvodka * @purityvodka

HOW PAINKILLERS
DESTROYED THE TOWN
OF WAR, WEST VIRGINIA

MARCH 2014
63

Goku Hatcher de

WRITTEN BY VINCE BEISER

PHOTOGRAPH BY DAN SAELINGER

from wrist to elbow and not even no-
ticed because he was so high.

Another time, his father found him
overdosed and unconscious on the
couch and called for a paramedic, who
stabbed John in the chest with a shot
of Narcan, right in front of his terrified
eight-year-old son.

“He probably wouldn't have survived
if I hadn't come home,” John's father,
‘Tom, told me then. Tom Hatcher, a silver-
се gent, was the long-
serving mayor of the town of War, named
after a settle
ing in his cramped office in War's
ly titled C
railway station that also houses the town's
two-man police department.

War is an impoverished backwater in

ley in deepest Appalachia,
пе coal-mining
hub abandoned by most of
the people who once lived
there. I was in town to write
an article for this magazine
about the nationwide epi-
demic of deaths caused by
prescription-pill overdoses.

In the past 20 years, rec-
reational use of pharma
ticals has skyrocketed across
the country, and so have
overdose deaths. Prescrip-
tion pills—especially painkillers—now
kill more Americans every year than her-
oin, cocaine and all other illegal drugs
combined. The number of fatal painkiller

PRESCRIPTION
PILLS NOW KILL
MORE AMERICANS
THAN ALL ILLEGAL
D

overdoses has quadrupled since 1999,
topping 16,000 in 2010, the most recent
year for which statistics are Па е. And
in McDowell County, where War sits,
victims are dying faster than just about
anywhere else. The overdose death rate
there is 16 times the national average.
Тһе article I wrote cen-

ters on Tom Hatcher's des- 1
perate efforts to help both Viy
his son and his town. Tom ии
had taken John, along with
John’s wife, Becky, and

their son Jonathen into his
home. John promptly stole
ally everything of
value Tom owned. Tom put
John through several rehab
programs; none worked.
John almost died from
overdoses four times. Tom
was out of ideas and out of
hope. The article ends with

him saying. "I think the reality is John
will kill himself eventually."

Тһе article sparked a minor ruckus іп
McDowell County. Lots of folks were up-
set that Tom had publicly aired the town's
dirty laundry—and in млувоу, of all
places. The local papers and TV stations
all ran stories about my article, ensuring
that just about (continued on page 147)

^I know I should be outraged by the erosion of our civil liberties, but Гт actually getting turned on by this."
65

'ery often your atti-
Ма correlates with =

immediate envi-
ronment. ZUR feel freer on the
island of Bali, more tenacious walk-
ing the avenues of New York City
and most at ease in your own bed. The
same can be said of statuesque Greek
model Zoi Gorman as she enters a 17th
century mansion in Amsterdam. “It’s highly
luxurious,” says Zoi (which means “life” in
Greek). “Filled with opulent marble, hand-
painted frescos and high ceilings, it is so
sensual. I am now Zoi, lady of the house. If I
want to stand naked save for high heels and
a black-lace garter belt at the top of my spiral
staircase, then I will. Who are you to tell me
otherwise?” We wouldn't dream of it.

PHOTOGRAPHY BY RENE DE HAAN AND PATRICK KAAS

The
illion-
Dollar
Battle for
Snapchat

HOW LONG DOES A SNAPCHAT PHOTO
LAST? TEN SECONDS. HOW LONG
DOES THE PARTNERSHIP BEHIND

THE COUNTRY'S HOTTEST APP STAY
TOGETHER? NOT MUCH LONGER

BY KARL TARO GREENFELD
WITH BILLY GALLAGHER

PHOTOGRAPH BY DAN SAELINGER

74

When then 18-year-old Evan Spiegel,
future founder of Snapchat, the
multibillion-dollar mobile-application
start-up, set off on the seven-hour drive
up Interstate 5 from Pacific Palisades
to Palo Alto, California, home of Stan-
ford University, he was embarking on
more than a college education. He was
journeying into the engine room of
America's greatest. wealth-producing
machine. Long one of the world's elite
colleges, Stanford, by the fall of 2008,
had also become a noteworthy incuba-
tor of young entrepreneurial talent. For
freshmen like Spiegel, cruising down
Palm Drive past the majestic, 40-foot-tall

nary Island date-palm trees and be-
neath the white-on-cardinal weLcome то
STANFORD banner, there was of course the
eagerness and anticipation of living away
from home for the first time, but there
was also a sense that here, in this unique
period in history, anything was possible.
For a young man to complete his edu-
ion and embark on a promising ca-
reer was not only likely but a given; for
a young man of Spiegel's temperament

For a young

man of Spiegel’s
emperament,

о leave Stanford
as anything less
han a multi-
millionaire

+

=

considered a
disappointment.

and talent, to leave Stanford as anything
less than a multimillionaire might even
have been considered a disappointment.
As it turned out, Spiegel would leave
Stanford well on his way to becoming
a billionaire, though the circumstances
of Snapchat's conception and launch
would be the subject of a lawsuit, filed by
former classmate Frank Reginald Brown
ТУ, that has cost Spiegel friendships and
could ultimately cost him hundreds of
millions of doll
Silicon Valley has always ст-
braced meritocracy, the
idea that it is the qual-
ity of one's ideas and
one's willingness to put in
20-hour days that make
for successful start-ups
and lasting businesses.
Unlike, say, hustlers in
Hollywood or on Wall Stree
the founders of tech com-

panies are supposedly monastic рго-
grammers who toil away in harmonious
teams and remain chaste when it comes
to fucking over their peers. If that myth
has been eroded by the saga of Facebook,
Mark Zuckerberg and the Winklevoss
twins, as described in The Social Network,
it is now being destroyed by the lawsuits
that surround the founding of Snapchat.
Snapchat, a messaging service that al-
lows for disappearing text messages and
photos, has become the latest hottest in-
ternet start-up, an app that scems to have
a significant grip on younger users. It
enables users to send photos and me
sages to other users or to post
photos and messages to their
È Snapchat network, with
little risk that the photos
A % willbecirculated on the

Y web because they self-
f^ destruct in 10 seconds.
As (continued on page 126)

SLIP INTO SOMETHING BOLD.

سے

slowly. As a result, Maker's 46* offers.
bold vanilla, oak, spice and caramel flavors.
smooth drinkability that slides down easy,

Maker's 46* begins as fully matured Maker's Mark? Then it's
finished inside barrels containing seared French oak staves —
and only during the cold winter months when bourbon

THE BOLD SIDE OF MAKER’

WE MAKE OUR BOURBON CAREFULLY. PLEASE ENJOY IT THAT WAY.
Makers Мако Bouton Whisky and Matas 489 Bourbon Whisky 45% and 47% Alc Ло CANA Maker's Mark Distilery inc. Loretto, KY makers46.com

A DRINKING GUIDE | 03/2014

TRAVIS RATHBONE (9) |
ROBERT HARKNESS O

WE'RE LIVING IN THE GOLDEN AGE OF ыт WITH SO MANY EXCEPTIONAL BOTTLES
OUT THERE, IT CAN BE A LITTLE OVERW. z TO MAKE IT EASIER, WE SURVEY THE
BEST BOTTLES IN THE-HOTTEST STYLES—AND_ENLIST NEW YORK'S.COOLEST BARTENDER,
THOMAS WAUGH, TO SHOW YOU ELEVATED WAYS OF MIXING, MUDDLING AND SIPPING

H
E

THE OTHER WHITE SPIRIT

Sy you re one ofi the thousands of vodha drinkers who
smiss gin, il 4 time to take a second sip. New brands
are smoother than the ones you ve had before. If

gou ж already a p fen. undate the way you mix the
classics. Here Waugh deconstructs the gin and tonic,

that deceptively complex cocktail.

The
SPANISH G&T

If Spain has a national cocktail, the gin and tonic is it
ts there routinely keep multiple brands of tonic water
on hand, and garnish and flavor their G&Ts with way
more than a lime peel. Here is Waugh's version of a Spanish G&T
Many of the botanicals typically used in the spirit

distillation

sring the drink

make an appearance in the

INGREDIENTS
“Vin А

Add gin ar

is the proof at
ich the ро
Иа still ign

y-strength gin,

THE PEEL SESSIONS

The most dramatic and zesty garnish for a gin and tonic is one
long ribbon of citrus peel, known as a “horses neck." Using a sharp
paring knife or potato peeler, slowly and carefully remove the peel
from a lime in a single spiraling motion.

BEST BOTTLES

GIN (823)

* The right
amount of
juniper flavors
at just the right
price, it com-
bines wonder
fully with tonic.

TANQUERAY
MALAGCA GIN.
633)

+ A limited-
release gin with
a cult following.
Slightly sweet,
citrusy and
super smooth. it
makes a kinder,
gentler martini.

PLYMOUTH
GIN (з?)

* With bold
juniper flavors
and a dry
profile, this is

a favorite of
serious bar-
tenders. Use in
pre-Prohibition
cocktails.

PERRYS TOT
NAVY STRENGTH
GIN (33)

* Even though

it's 114 proof, this
gin is incredibly
rich and smooth,
with intense bo-
tanical aromas.
Pour lightly.

BOLS
GENEVER (537)
* The Dutch
invented gin.
and their style
is more full-
bodied, fruity
and peppery.
Enjoy ice-cold
and straight up.

THOMAS WAU

Our Bartender fer
This Ev pening

Ld

TO HELP US NAVIGATE
the oceans of top-shelf liquor

#

available to the modem
drinker, we enlisted Thomas

ind teach us
a trick or two, Wa

tended bar at le

багу
watering holes Alembic in
San Francisco and Death &
Co. in New York City. Не
now nins the bars for Major
Food Group, the company
behind New York's €
Torrisi Italian Specialties

and ZZ Clam Bar

bone

WAUGH SAYS:

“Use oversize
glassware for a G&T,
big enough that you
can get your nose
down into the glass
and pick up all the
subtleties, not just
of the gin but of the
s well. A double
old-fashioned glass, a
stemless wineglass or
a brandy snifier will
do the trick.”

tonic a

A DRINKING GUIDE 03/2014

4 „>

VER | \

BEST BOTTLES

RHUMJ.M VSOP CANA BRAVA (528)
(856) * From the 86
* Fruity, woody + Fermented Co. a liquor
and delicious. One sugarcane juice company started
of the best Puerto gives this agricole by bartenders for
Rican rums out rum from Martinique bartenders, this is
there. Use it to its unique, intense the ideal white rum
upgrade your rum flavor. to keep on hand
and Coke, for daiquiris (of the
RENEGADE RUM Hemingway, not the
APPLETON ESTATE. COMPANY 1995 cruise ship, variety.
VIX (522) PANAMA (599) of course)
* This Jamaican + Scottish bottler
rum is funky in a Murray McDavid
good way. Perfect ages Caribbean rum

for a modern take in oak barrels. The
оп a та! tai or any result can compete
of the other classic with fine bourbon
tiki cocktails. and scotch.

— WAUGH SAYS —

“Ditch your blender for the best-tasting tiki drinks. Shake your ingredients
in a cocktail shaker and pour them over ice that you've smashed with a mallet in a clean
ziplock bag. The flavors will really come through."

к Фе INGREDIENTS DIRECTIONS

| + I coconut Drill two holes in Filla medium-size
COCONUT | * Voz. honey top of coconut so bow! with crushed
syrup (see a cinnamon stick ce to use as a base

directions) anda straw can to prop up the

202 Angostura in them coconut. (Waugh

Make honey syrup uses banana leaves

Bar in New York City, ittums heads. | Е by combining two as well) With a

The blowtorch he uses to ignite the ! cups honey with torch or lighter,

cinnamon stick has a lot to do with | _ coconut mik ‘one cup boiling ignite the tip of
it, but the intoxicating aroma of the | * oz Coco Lépez water. Let cool the cinnamon BURN
cinnamon st в is just as attention- cream of coconut Pour liquid stick until it burns ,

tikisinspired cocktail

can almost taste before sipping, but

1 dash Ап shake well. Strain.
this is one of them.

the cinnamon
stick garnish
on the coconut

> | INGREDIENTS ocho wih
The | DIRECTIONS tail wit

* 2dashes First make with two cups a match: Its

CA RDAMOM | cardamom cardamom tincture: water and two never going
tincture (see Smash 15 green cups white sugar E
directions; cardamom pods in a pot Simmer Be
Why use just one spirit when you + oz vanilla sical ndi our Sa twat lighter can
can use three? In this drink from | syrup (see pestle. Put ina sting pccasonall work, but for
Z's Clam Bar, ru иһ of i directions; plastic container. until sugar dissolves. maximum
and chartreuse | Plymouth with1O ounces of Remove vanilla OA
gives it an herbaceous quality | in 151-proof neutral bean. Let cool
la oz, fresh lime grain spirit. Let sitfor Pour al ingredients
juice 24 hours and strain into a cocktail shaker
ог green the liquid througha with ice. and shake and blast the.
1 4 A Chartreuse coffee filter. well, Strain over end of the stick
tover tincture to flavor other — | — (regularor fake vanilla гуп rushed ice i г с сме
simple cocktails such as a | epo E. o M until it ignites.
Blow it out and.

inhale the sweet
perfume.

in mini-
mal time, get
a butane torch

But the essential ingredient is a

ion of exotic flavor. Use

by combining опе favorite tiki mug.
tonic or a tom collins. agricole split vanilla bean

A DRINKING GUIDE

03/2014

LIQUID GOLD ASSETS

Bourbon is one of America 5 finest contributions to
the world of drinking, and the old ways of distilling
and aging it are making а comeback. This й a
spirit that is best savored simply: with a cube of ice,
a splash of water or nothing at all.

ICE, MAN

To make perfect cubes of ice,
freeze water in а loaf pan.
Remote block from pan and.
place on a damp cloth. With
а sae, score block at tico-inch
intervals and chisel into slabs.
Score slabs every tico inches,
then chisel off cubes.

TE

B BEST BOTTLES

STAGG JR. (50) this small

* This limited release у bourbc

has complex smoky. OLD (5900) balar

clovy, spicy flavors. At * If youre lucky

134 proof, it can take enough to find a MAKER'S 46 (536)

a splash of water. bottle of this rare. + This follow-up.
Бан Gauta to crowd-pleasing

KNOB CREEK | Snap it up and sell Maker's Mark has

it for a steep profit

even more of the
down the road.

characteristics
people love: more:
caramel, more spice,
more smoke,

JEFFERSON'S
RESERVE,
* Oaky with

butterscotch notes,

"Don't mess up your.

bourbon with less than pe
if you don't hand-carve
he sure to use the best 10
get your hands on. Use fi
bottled water to avoid off.

"I'm dressed for the occasion—whatever the occasion happens to be...!”

"bb RE

MON Y

Thrown out of a movie theater on a cold night, Gwen and Jack
Е seek refuge in a greasy spoon

he tentative first snow has become a ticking sleet
„Д that despite its bone-chill looks molten in the street-
Э] lights. Their shoes—his high-tops, her purple suede
boots—are soaked from the quest on which he's
led them, up one slushy block and down another,
since they were asked to leave the movie theater.

"Are we lost yet?" Gwen asks.
“1 swear there's this neat coffeehouse with a
woodstove around here," Jack says. “I found it

by smell last time."

“If it's someplace you used to go with Hailey, let's
forget it. Being there would feel creepy to me,”
Gwen says.

“You think I'd drag us around freezing because I'm
looking for a place ГА been to with someone else?”

"You're right, you wouldn't want to violate the
sacred memory.”

“Jeez, you're in a shitty mood. If you think it’s my
fault getting us kicked out, I apologize.”

"I was in a great mood. What's more romantic than
getting 86ed for public lewdness and stepping into the
first snow of the year? I loved walking in it together.
Who drew a snow heart on the window of a car, and
who walked away before we could write in our initials?"

"Sorry, I was freezing. I'm not dressed for this.
I needed to keep moving," Jack says. "Look, there's
something open. We're saved."

The restaurant's windows are steamed opaque.
Inside, an illegible sign diffuses pink ncon across the
slick plate-glass window and the Formica counter.
There's a scorched, greasy griddle smell. The few cus-

tomers at the counter, all men, eat wearing their coats.

Beyond the counter are four empty Formica tables.
"vant go on record tha. (continued on age 4)

FICTION BY STUART DYBEK
ILLUSTRATION BY NOMOCO

HE HATES CHRIS
BROWN, MILEY CYRUS,
SPRITE, TONY ROMO,
THE ULTIMATE
WARRIOR, NORTH
KOREA AND MONDAYS
AND CONSIDERS
OPRAH WINFREY,
PEYTON MANNING,
SARAH SILVERMAN
AND GARTH BROOKS

THE *REAL BUBBA."

|

аф уух |

TH

ТЕ

——

Lacoursiére
point, the

Federation (now World Wrestling Enter-
tainment) champion bellows again.
Get the fuck out of here!
The small crowd gathered around the
vehicle gawks at the Sheik, then back at
Lacoursiere, who grins.

"That made my day,” he says softly. *
a matter of fact, it made my year."

The Sheik has all but forgotten the
exchange when his managers, 34-year-
old identical twins Jian and Page Magen,
help him from the vehicle to a yellow plz
tic chair on the sidewalk in front of the
Belly Buster, a sandwich shop they own.

Resting on his cane (even after replace-
ment surgery a decade or so ago, bone
bulges from his left knee, the residual
effect of more than two decades in the
ring), the Sheik stares straight ahead, as
if the coffee shop across the street were
the red light on a camera ata WWF
event circa 1985.
ix year, nobody beat Mr. Bob Back-
he thunders, referring to the man

s-

he dethroned for the title in December
1983, “I beat him at most famous arena,
Madison Square Garden! Everybody
know I'm the real champion, and I beat
Angelo Mosca at Maple Leaf Garden not
far from һеге!

Heads hang out ofa number 510 street-
car as it winds off King Street West toward
Adelaide. Not everyone understands his
references, but nobody can look away.

"Without Iron Sheik, there be no
Hulkamania!" he yells, assuming it's
common knowledge that he agreed to
lose the title to Hulk Hogan one month

after procuring it Lm

in order to provide

WWF head Vince ™
McMahon with a

tanned, telegenic

lightning rod who ч i
could expand the y

company from its A
Northeastern wres- 0 )
ling territory to an

international conglomerate. Then,

switching to a real-life grudge, he adds,
“But I don't have respect for jabroni
Ultimate Warrior!”

In another age, the Sheik would be
stuck venting his hostility on a street like
this or in a gym or barroom, but social
media has given the retired wrestler a
wider audience—and an outlet where
he can continue being the Sheik. He has
more than 367,000 Twitter followers,

who track his thoughts on everything
from wrestling adversaries to the NFL,
the МВА, the Premier League, pop cul-
ture and politics. When he approves of
something, it's the “real bubba” or even
Sheik class,” as in this December tweet:
Nelson Mandela god bless you forever
you forever Iron Sheik class.” But when
he disapproves (“jabroni” is one of his
favorite insults), things really get colorful.

“Tom Brady wife need the #Obamacare
after I suplex her."

“Wednesday please go fuck yourself

“Miley Gyrus Ultimate Warrior sister.”

“Tony Romo play great tonight for
dumb piece of shit raisin balls grasshop-
per dick motherfucker.”

A recurring theme: placing a rival
facedown on the mat and bending
him backward in the painful camel

dutch—the hold the Sheik used to defeat
Backlund—then "humbling" him by
fucking him in the ass.
“Who talks like that?” Page Magen
asks. “Adam Sandler doesn't. Chris Rock
doesn't. He's not gay. He's not a rapist
ying you dis-

It's just an extreme way of sa
approve of another person.
Yet it always gets a pop. “The Sheik’s
popularity is based on his utter lack of
any sort of social-media graces,” says Ed
tron, a public relations specialist and
author who has written about the Sheik.
“He grandstands like wrestlers do. He
isn't perfectly worded. He is just the Iron
Sheik, and he is fantastically passionate.”
And the Magens—Persian Jews who
run a business that provides entertain-
ment at Toronto-area weddings, bar
mitzvahs and corporate events—are
determined to make a brand out of the
man they consider an unde. (Their father,
Bijan, a former table-tennis champion
in Iran, and the Sheik are childhood
friends.) In 2010 they brought the Sheik
to the Grammys and introduced him to
Jay Z and Beyoncé on the red carpet
“Beyoncé actually kissed his hand and
asked to take a picture with him,” Jian
claims. “I watched Billie Joe Armstrong
from Green Day walk past Tony Bennett
because the Iron Sheik was there.”

The Sheik's crossover cult stature із
ased on something more than nostalgia,
a concept the Sheik himself doesn't fully
grasp. When asked why his Twitter fol-
lowing continues to grow, the Sheik gives
a tired look.

“I imagine they like it. No?”

“He thinks it’s all from wrestling,” Page
says. “But he sees he's getting a lot of atten-
tion, so he dials into it. He told me one
, ‘Even Ray (continued on page 136)

87

CARE FOR ROOM SERVICE? A HOTEL TRYST WITH THE MAGNIFICENT MISS MARCH

PHOTOGRAPHY BY JOSH RYAN

otel rooms are places where

secrets are kept, plots unfold

and lovers indulge their fantasies

anonymously and with abandon.

Unlock this hotel-room door and
you're alone with a rising star in the fash-
ion world, a red-hot Mohawked seductress
with a brain to match that impossibly alluring
body. New Jersey-born model Britt Linn—
our first short-haired Playmate in more than
15 years—is on a never-ending adventure. “I
want to try everything,” she says, “no matter
how weird.” Just one year ago Britt was work-
ing as a surgical technologist when a New
York model scout found her on Facebook.
“I started modeling in September during
Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week, and bam,”
she says, “I've been flying by the seat of my
pants ever since!” Afier snagging shoots for

roe

беке.

Seventeen and Diesel, she booked her narsor
gig and a Vogue Italia editorial on the same
day. “I burst into tears of happiness," Britt
says. "I'm pretty competitive, and I thought
it'd be cool to be slender enough for high
fashion but also curvy enough for PLAYBOY.
And I did itt” Some other things you should
know about Miss March: Although she sports
a punk-rock vibe, she’s an approachable
“goofball” who likes shooting pool with the
boys, throwing back shots of Jack Daniel's
and mellowing out to singer-songwriter Ray
LaMontagne. She also has an affinity for
the carnal. "I'm so sex-driven, it's not even
funny,” she confesses. “I check out guys; 1
check out girls. I have a crazy sex drive.” So
hang the bo NOT овтокв sign on the door and
enjoy your roadside-hotel rendezvous with
Britt. Your secrets are safe with us.

ГТ

MISS MARCH

PLAYMATE DATA SHEET

e

NAME:

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PLAYBOY'S PAHTY JOKES

When the National Congress of American
Indians requested that NFL teams stop using
derogatory terms for Native Americans, the
Washington Redskins announced they would
rename themselves after other local figures.

Effective immediately the team will be called
the Washington Foreskins, in honor of all the
dicks on Capitol Hill.

Апет 50 years of wondering why he didn't
look like his younger sister and brother, a man
finally got up the nerve to ask his mother if he
had been adopted.

“Yes, you were, son,” his mother said as she
started to cry. “But it didn't work out and they
brought you back.”

When the host asked an attractive blonde
party guest if she would like another drink,
she bowed her head slightly and said, “No,
thank you, My husband limits me to one.”
“Why is that?” the host asked.
She responded, “Because after one drink I
can feel it, and after two drinks anyone can,”

Our Unabashed Dictionary defines synonym
as a word used in place of one you can't spell.

A doctor had sex with one of his female
patients and then felt horribly guilty about it.
No matter how much he tried to forget what
he'd done, he couldn't; he was overwhelmed
with regret and a sense that he'd betrayed a
рае trust. Every once in a while, though,

е would hear a reassuring voice in his head
telling him, *Don't worry about it. You aren't
the first medical practitioner to have sex with
a patient, and you won't be the last. And
you're single. Just let it go."

Invariably, however, another voice in
his head would bring him back to reality,
whispering, "But you're a veterinarian, you
sick bastard."

Our Unabashed Dictionary defines work
accident as a baby conceived at a company picnic.

V just found a great job,” a man told his wife.

"jt starts at 10 A.M, and finishes at four P.M., it

requires no overtime and no work on week-

ends, and it pays $3,000 а week in cash!"
The wife said, "That's unbelievable."

the husband. “You start

m
5
e
2

105 not the minutes spent at the dinner table
that put on weight—it's the seconds.

A young couple on the brink of divorce
decided to visit a marriage counselor.
“What's the problem?” the counselor asked.
The wife responded, “My husband suffers
from premature ejaculation.”
“Do you?” the counselor asked the husband.
“Not really,” replied the husband. “She’s the
one who suffers, not me.”

I invited a friend home for dinner,” a man
announced to his wife.

“What? Are you crazy?” the wife replied.
“The house is a mess, I haven't done any gro-
cery shopping, and I don't feel like cooking a
fancy meal.”

“I know all that,” the man said.

“Then why did you invite your friend over?”
she asked.

He replied, “Because the poor fool is think-
ing about getting married.”

Tits are proof that a man can concentrate on
more than one thing at a time.

If size really doesn't matter, why don't they
sell three-inch dildos?

A little boy watched with fascination as his
mother gently rubbed cold cream on her
face. “Why are you doing that to your face,
Mommy?” he asked.

“To make myself beautiful,” his mother
told him.

A few minutes later she began to remove the
cream with a tissue. “What's the matter?" asked
the boy. "Giving ир?”

What do gay men want to find in a partner?
Themselves.

Send your jokes to Playboy Party Jokes Editor, 9346
Civic Center Drive, Beverly Hills, California
90210, or by e-mail to jokes@playboy.com.
PLAYBOY will pay $100 to the contributors whose
submissions are selected.

"Look, kid, I don't mind you standing there, but your sign has got to go."

IF IT HAS WHEELS AND AN ENGINE,

0-60: 3.8 SECO:
um 17 CITY

WE HAMMERED IT! HERE ARE OUR

PICKS FROM

Years from now, people will look back on 2013 as
a historic time for gearheads. It was the year of
the sports car. Among the machines unleashed
on our roads: the all-new seventh-generation
Corvette, the first new Jaguar two-seat sports car
in more than 50 years, a new Euro-styled Viper,
aslick 12-cylinder Aston Martin, two Porsches
(including the German firm’s first-ever hybrid
supercar) and a pair of seven-figure hybrid
Batmobiles from Ferrari and McLaren, each

A STELLAR YEAR I
THE WORLD OF AUTOMOBILES

thumping well over 900 horsepower. Even if
you're not in the market for one of these rolling
monuments to testosterone, there's still some-
thing cool and cutting-edge for you out there.
To suss out the best of the best in every category,
we prowled the earth’s byways, from twisty roads
in China to hilly thoroughfares in the south

of France to the clogged intersections of Los
Angeles and Chicago. Herewith, our annual pick
of the top new automobiles.

SPORTS CARS ee

a blazing 3.7-second sprint to 60 mph
and a 205 mph top speed. With new
electronically controlled suspension,
it tackles corners like a sure-footed
athlete. And it's an Aston, so it’s
fantastically beautiful in that 007, just-
understated-enough style. Slap some
Union Jack livery on this six-liter two-
seater and you're licensed to kill.

work cut out for
of de
they
ch

а SRT VIPER They don't

firm released а new ite!

ll it a Dodge anymore. After Fiat bought Chrysler, the Detroit
ion of its legendary brute under the SRT (Street & Racing
Eme Technology) badge. The Italians gave the styling some love inside and out. While the

car now has traction control, it's still a 640-horsepower, 8.4-liter V 10 beast. Driving it
is like getting in the ring with Mike Tyson—in a good way. Ice packs not included

ily PORSCHE CAYMAN Don't call it a junior 911. The mid-engine, 275-horsepower Cayman
is a car all its own, and it’s the best all-around performer for its price in the Stuttgart
СЕ lineup. During our test drive we adored its neutral road manners, refined agility апа
= deft throttle punch delivered by iter flat six with a glorious song. Naturally, the
S model is the car you want (50 more thoroughbreds) if you have the extra $11,000. 101

SEDANS

we first heard ne
we four

Cóte d'Azur, thi

t out as a commuter at

home. The t

speec clutch
provide

ne thrills of

1

but they
h anything in the price

AUDI RS7 with its "sportback" roofline and the eyes of a
comic-book mastermind, the A7 is a design triumph for the
ages. The new RS version packs a four-liter twin-turbo V8,
making this 560-horsepower lightning bolt the most power-
ful production Audi ever. It can do zero to 60 in 3.7 seconds
(that’s Ferrari territory), tops out at 174 mph and В roomy

102 enough to lug six kegs of Franziskaner Weissbier. Sold!

game, the CTS would be Amer
German juggernauts. Named
year, the new CTS is visually stunning inside and out.
The base two-liter turbo in-line four options up to a
$70,000-plus car with a
turbo V6. Bottom lin

HORSEPOWER: 208
040 6.9 SECONDS
чю эв CITY, 38 M

HEIKO SCHMIDT

“While
the entry

a's QB against the
Aotor Trend's car of the

every
Mercede:

-horsepowe
> This is an all-st:

ed Mazda 3—available as either a
hatchback or a sedan—is lighter on its toes, longer in its legs
and easier on the eyes. You can't argue with these numbers:
155-horsepower Skyactiv two-liter in-line four, 30 city and 41
highway mpg, and a top speed of 130, all for a base price of
less than $18,000. The nav system and rear cross-traffic alert
come standard, and with a stiffer chassis, the ride is a blast.
Look out, Ford Focus, the competition is heating up.

ACCORD

hat si

et metal, this nev

Accord pac

serious er

voodoo. It's

three car

it cru
1s of up to 60

round а

ion battery pack ar

combust

engine mode

y speeds

sion
with just enc

t you

onto t

interstate v

KOJI NINOMIYA

“The

iver Accord
omfort in a midsize Hybrid
ant to spenc т develop-

't ge BMW 13 The all-new plug-in electric
aging with real BMW roadability. You'll еп
horsepower, a range of 100 miles, a tiny optional range-

extender gas engine you'll probably never need, plus enough
torque to scare whoever's in the passenger seat. Clamshell co
rear doors and plenty of interior space make it a nice option ei
for green-conscious families. Toss the dogs in and head for the ment, ad-
beach! With this car's quirky looks, be prepared for gawkers. vancement

and fun.

combines disco pack-
about 170 ment focus

included
three key
epis:
ro

for the wonky stylin;
selling hybrids. 1

TESLA MODEL S rne Model S is the first automobile this Silicon
Valley start-up built in-house from the ground up. (The Tesla
Roadster was based on a Lotus chassis.) It's an all-electric plug-

CHEVROLET CRUZE TURBODIESEL Clean diesel is the green

technology of Europe. Finally, General Motors jumps in with
an affordable American turbodiesel (the engines are built in

in sedan with gorgeous styling that gets 88 mpg (the electric
equivalent) in the city and 90 on the highway. It also gets our
nod for the coolest interior on the market, with a 17-inch tab-
let screen front and center that controls just about everything.
This is the car interior of the future, and the future is now.

Germany) that puts up 46 mpg and 264 foot-pounds of deli-

cious torque, and spits out far fewer emissions than its gasoline
brethren. Sure, an Audi A3 TDI is nicer in every way, but you'll

pay thousands more for one. Specs: two-liter turbo in-line four,
room for five passengers and an 8.1-second jaunt to 60. 103

SUVS ACROSSOVERS 863.495]

[I RVG
возни 340

0-60; 6.9 SECONDS
мо 17 CITY,

LAND ROV
RANGE RO
Like the previ
new Rar
т Sport combi

refined British luxury

with ass-k

drove a Sport up a
ito a derelict
nd obstacles
the empty cabin, then

lown a steep ramp into

y? To prove

ack < ог over
And it will handle like
ted sedan around your

town's twisty roads. The
ке upgrade comes via

new aluminum unibody and
improved suspension dy n
ics. With an or o BMW X5 There aren't a lot

of good options for vehicles
that can seat seven, especially

ones that pack an optional SUBARU FORESTER The new Forester doesn't look

рия fiber ра much different from the old one, nor does и drive
80.000) make: wheel drive, an eight-speed all that differently. Don't fix it if it isn't broken, right?
0,000) makes automatic transmission and )

Subaru of America had a fifth straight record year
for sales in 2013. A few reasons why: The Forester
is easy on the wallet, has room enough for five plus

pack gines. And that certain command of the

autiful leather, road that a BMW delivers.

num and tasteful = C5 is here, 15
rer Von the new S5 ben, 15 golf bags, gets decent mileage (24 city, 32 highway)
а атану талайы it first appeared. and has an all-wheel-drive 2.5-liter flat four that will

bucket. This i ou лог power V6) will run probably still be kicking long after you're gone.

want when the v d you $ but we'd opt for
the M Sport suspension and

pud) THE NEW (HYBRID) DREAM CAR

F elke who can PORSCHE 918 SPYDER
afford super- | D Teo ddr motors pus oe midmounted
cars don't worry
about the cost of
a gallon of gas.
But that hasn't
stopped the
world's brightest
engineers from
inventing hybrid
dream machines.
These debuted FERRARI LAFERRARI
last year, proof orepower vnd Fera
иза 1 T
for car fans. № al sold 55| 1905 пр. Л] mph iori.

rms

2014
CAR
-OFTHE =

the brand
stands for—

YEAR =.

"We're going to move mindfully and
thoughtfully, and very soon there are
going to be fingers on clits," says Ken
Blackman. We're downstairs in the Sutter
Room, a large basement-level space at the
Regency Center in San Francisco’s Nob
Hill district. This is day one of OMX
2013, the first-ever Orgasmic Meditation
Xperience. It is hosted by OneTaste, the
organization for which Blackman works as
lead orgasmic-meditation instructor. More
than 1,000 people are packed into the
room, all of them having traveled from
around the globe to attend this three-day
pussy-stroking session. Total cost: $395
a person (not including airfare or hotel
accommodations, of course).

The room has a wide stage on the side
nearest the door and includes the Sutter
Annex off to the left. The blond wood

Moans of plea-
sure start slowly
and then build.
Women shriek,
and some buek
in fits of ecstasy.
Someone shouts,

“Oh God!”

floors are covered with clusters of yoga
mats, buckwheat pillows and white terr

cloth hand towels arranged in what OM
experts refer to as “nests.” The nests are
plotted in rows and distinguishable by
numbered placards handwritten on lined
paper and placed at the top of each mat.
Pairs of men and women enter the room
and mill about until they have located

108 their assigned nest; some have come

together as partners, others have met for
the first time this morning. Those who
have been trained in the art of orgasmic

meditation and have OMed before wear
green wristbands, while first-timers wear
red. There are red pairs, green pairs and
red-green pairs.

At their nests, the women strip from the
waist down and lie on their backs, while
the men wait in a line that starts in the
middle of the room for their turn at a
communal hand-washing station set up.
onstage. After they've washed their hands,
the men—the "strokers," in OM lingo—
return to their nests,
where they pull on
white or blue latex
gloves like a line of
doctors prepping
for surgery. Then
the pairs arrange
themselves in the
nesting position: the
woman on her back н
with her legs butter-
flied open, the man

FROM TOP

scated on a pillow at her right side, his
left leg bridged over her core, the other
straight out underneath her right leg. His
ht hand slips under her butt so that
his thumb rests sofily at her introitus (the
opening used for penetrative sex), and һе
places his left hand on her pubic mound,
thumb gently pulling back the clitoral
hood, the pad of his bent index finger
hovering just above the upper-left-hand
quadrant of her clit (the one-o'clock spot)

OneTaste

mall glass pots of OneTaste-branded
lubricantare available for purchase onstage
and in an upstairs gift shop stocked with
merchandise including T-shirts (rur. Pussy
KNOWS, POWERED BY ORGASM, etc.), a set of
small clit-themed stickers designed specifi-
cally for an iPhone's small round “home”
button, a collection of silver jewelry and a
powdered green-algae-type water supple-
ment. The lube, OneStroke, is oil-based
and made with ingredients you might
find in artisanal lip balm: olive oil, bees-
wax, shea butter, grapeseed oil.

Rachel Cherwitz, an OM coach who splits
her time between New York and San Fran-
disco, crosses the room to a couple settling
into a nest and cups her hand beside the
woman's mouth. The woman spits out her
gum, and Cherwitz rolls it into a stiff white
ball between her fingers before tossing it

into the garbage. (continued on page 132)

"Wow, your baby is so little!" id

the lovabl
frantic-to-
dad. The show's creators and
writers have spoken about the
inspiration they take from their
own family lives and, sometime:
those of the actors. When have you

real estate age n

most recently
a Phil Dunphy?

ght yourself doing

on how to ride a mot

very much а midlif

of thing to do. You

class and two days of riding on a
Burbank airport tarmac. It was
super fun and there were moments

ding an

after all

cool рап Where,

allow me to buy а Toga 3
friends all either married or
engaged, and theirWomen swatted
them down too.

Q2
PLAYBOY: Your TV cha
has highly entertaining quirks and
ез, including coulrophobia,
of clowns. What are your
personal phobias
BURRELL: I have an irrational
fear of heights that shows up

neurotic or les

BURRELL: More. The show has
been a boon for my family and
me in so many ways, but the one
downside—and it's a small sliver
of that pie—is that I'm jumpi

in public. little sel
conscious, and now people sit ne
to you and record you on thei
phones. They're not very subtle

about it. So now I feel more concerned
about spilling something or picking my
nose. I love going out to dinner with
my wife and taking our little girls out,
so it hasn't turned me into Howard
Hughes. But it has made me more
neurotic in public. Honestly, it's made
me more of a homebody. It's a small
price to pay, though.

Q4
PLAYBOY: When a small price feels
like too much, what's your perfect
escape from Los Angel
BURRELL: We have a restored Prairie-
style house built in 1915 near Salt Lake
City. I love Utah, especially Salt Lake City.
It's beautiful and a great place to have

a family. My wife was raised Mormon,
and my brother and I bought a bar
in Salt Lake City. You know, nothing
will bring family to town like a bar.
My mom moved there to be closer

to our kids and my brother's kids. I
have nephews and some cousins who
have moved there too. So we have an
extended family that lives all around
Salt Lake.

G5
PLAYBOY: Another of Modern Fam-
ily's best running jokes is how glassy-
eyed and sexually stupid your happily
married character becomes around
Gloria—played by Sofía Vergara—the
voluptuous Colombian-born younger

wife of your father-in-law. Are the writ-
ers empted to push that extra
marital plot element beyond fantasy?
BURRELL: We've tried stuff with Phil
and Gloria that never makes it on the
air. It just felt too cheap. Anyway, Phil
would fold like а house of cards. His
attraction is completely a reflex. He's
almost like а fish attracted to a shiny
lure. Nothing would happen. He's
kind of asexual. Sex for him is just
sort of daydreamy.

G6
PLAYBOY: And Ty Burrell himself?
Are you tempted when female fans and
admirers throw themselves at you
BURRELL: It's either my personal lack
of sexual charisma or the fact that Phil
Dunphy is just sort of a sweet, asexual
character, but I don't get that kind of
attention. Women approach me just
looking for a hug. Besides, it really
matters whom you're with. My wife and
I have been married 13 years, and we
have two great kids now. I know Гуе
stumbled into the right relationship.

Q7
PLAYBOY: Your TV character so
wants his kids to think of him as the
super-cool dad that he pretty much
caves anytime he has to discipline
them. Was it like that with your father?
BURRELL: My dad was a family ther
apist who worked mainly with abused
kids for children’s services of Oregon.
I grew up in the country, in Apple-
gate, Oregon, a town of 200 where
everybody knows one another, We
owned the country store. If my father
was really mad at me, occasionally
But mostly
everything was a sort of Socratic se-
ries of sarcastic questions, like “Do
you think it was a good idea to cheat
on that test?" and "Have you enjoyed
the repercussions of doing these
things?” If I was in love with a girl or
something, he'd What do you
feel like?” and “Why is it you feel like
you're afraid?” He was a great dad.
I hope I'm a great dad too. I'm defi-

nitely trying. (continued on page 130)

"You'll have a new one the minute we find a suitable donor!”

из

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РКАТЕФЕ

SNA

Although tech writers initially
Snapchat as a "sexting app," itis actually
the first application to exploit what Spie-
gel calls the “value of the ephemeral.”
Why, Spiegel has asked, should every-
thing on the internet be around forever?
“Data permanence is a big issue,” he say
“We were the first to understand that.”
“Teens and 20-somethings have embraced
that ethos, making the app among the
fastest-growing in history. According to
the company, 400 million photos are sent
daily; Facebook, by comparison, claims
350 million photos posted daily. The
company became so successful so quickly
that Spiegel turned down a $3 billion of-
fer from Mark Zuckerberg and Facebook,
calculating that Snapchat would eventu-
ally be worth even more.

The lawsuit in which Frank Reginald
Brown claims, as originator of the idea
and one of the founders of Snapchat, to
be entitled to 33.3 percent of the com-
pany, proves that every tech company
has not only its visionary founders, in-
spiring genesis story and long nights of
programming but also its personality
feuds and bitter battles that inevitably, it
seems, end up in depositions and court-
rooms. It happened at Facebook; it hap-
pened at Twitter, where co-founder Noah
Glass was forced out of the company with
virtually nothing to show for his contri-
bution; and it is happening at Snapchat,
where Spiegel has proved as ruthless and
cunning as any of his tech forebears. The
Snapchat story, as laid out in court fil-
ings, affidavits, depositions, recollections
from college classmates and interviews
with Spiegel before Brown's lawsuit was
filed, is the latest saga of just how fast and
furious the journey can be from dorm-
room dream to next big thing in today's
Silicon Valley.

“At Stanford and in Silicon Valley, we
perpetuate the myth of meritocracy,”
Spiegel said last April in a speech to the
Stanford Women in Business organiza-
tion. “We believe that the harder we
work, the more we will achieve... This
is not true. Гат a young, white, edu-
cated male. I got really, really lucky. And
life isn't fair. So if life isn't fair, it’s not
about working harder: it's about work-
ing the system.”

lismisse

Incoming Stanford freshmen go through
a weeklong orientation during which
they meet classmates at barbecues and
are told what will be expected of them
academically by their assigned freshman
advisors. Freshmen wear their names on
lanyards, and for most of them this week
is when they begin to understand the
unique hierarchy they have joined. Al-
though 70 percent of Stanford students
receive financial aid—and those whose
parents earn less than $100,000 pay no
tuition at all—there are still plenty of

scions of wealth and privilege to remind
those less fortunate exactly what is to be
gained from a good showing here. Spie-
gel, who grew up in a $4 million home
in Pacific Palisades and whose father,
Stanford alumnus and significant donor
John Spiegel, earned $3 million a year as
‘an attorney at the firm of Munger, Tolles
& Olson, was among the latter. Six feet
tall and lanky, with a rectangular head,
fine, sharp features and a hank of brown
hair parted down and to the left across
his narrow forehead, Evan Spiegel had
driven to college in his BMW 550i and
stood out even among this spectacular
cohort for his focus and ambition, “Evan
was always hustling,” says one former
classmate, “always looking to throw his
energy into the next thing."

Among his hall mates that freshman
year was a stocky blond from Columbia,
South Carolina named Frank Reginald
Brown, whom everyone called Reggie.
He and Spiegel quickly became friends.
While Spiegel took a calculated approach
to most aspects of college life—by the
time һе was a sophomore he already had
the contacts to organize some of the best.
parties on campus and had been voted
social chair of his fraternity—Brown was
more laid-back, whiling away hours play-
ing computer games and watching TV
in his Donner Hall dorm room down
the white-walled, gray-carpeted corri-
dor from Spiegel's. Spiegel was prone to
wearing skinny jeans and a V-neck, while
Brown tended to wear brightly colored
khakis and backward baseball caps. Stan-
ford prides itself on bringing together
diverse elements of American society,
and though both these boys were white
and from privileged backgrounds, it was
this meeting of two very different indi-
viduals that would catalyze the launch of
Snapchat. Spiegel was a product-design
major, which requires students to learn
to conceive entire businesses, everything
from the look and feel to the financing of
a new product. The Institute of Design
at Stanford, or "d.school" as it is known
оп campus, is a hothouse for future en-
trepreneurs and their start-ups. Brown,
on the other hand, was an English major,
which at Stanford is a far less gilded jour-
ney. In the new hierarchy at elite uni-
versities, it is the business, engineering
and computer science geeks who are the
cool kids potentially on the fast track to
launching the next Google or Facebook,
while English majors like Brown are on
far more prosaic career paths and could
even struggle for employment when they
graduate. Despite their different paths,
‘or perhaps because of them, the two be-
came good friends, spending late nights
in Spiegel's one-room double, drink-
ing vodka and Red Bull. Brown regaled
Spiegel with tales of growing up in South
Carolina, his whimsical ideas for poten-
tial new products for Spiegel to develop
and his opinion of the many attractive
coeds who caught his eye. The unlikely
pair had a tenuous friendship from the

start. “They fought and bickered like an
old married couple, even during fresh-
man year” says a mutual friend.

In the spring of their freshman year
the two pledged the Kappa Sigma fra-
ternity, one of seven fraternities on cam-
pus and perhaps the hardest partying
and among the most selective, accept-
ing only about 10 percent of those who
rush. That Spiegel and Brown rushed
together is a testimony to the bond they
had formed, for Kappa Sig tends to ci-
ther take or reject incoming rushes as a

р. Both were tapped, Brown making
Зета of an impression on his older fra-
ternity brothers that he was awarded the
blue suit traditionally given to the pledge
expected to party the hardest. The suit,
which has never been washed, has been
passed down for longer than any brother
can remember. Brown, as "Blue Suit,"
was expected to wear the outfit to most
frat parties.

Sophomore year, they lived together
in the two-story columned Santa Ес-
style Kappa Sig house on Campus Drive.
Among their roommates was senior
Bobby Murphy, a mathematical and com-
putational science major from nearby El
Cerrito. Murphy, like Spiegel, was well
aware of the possibilities Stanford of-
fered, and he was waiting for the right
tech start-up to come along. In the mean-
time he was ready to offer his computer
skills to brothers in need. “He was down
the hall, and whenever I needed com-
puter science help I'd go wake him up at,
like, four in the morning,” Spiegel says.

‘The culture of the start-up, of dreaming
up the next big thing and then cashing
in on your invention, was already part
of the curriculum at Stanford's business
school, where Spiegel audited classes his
freshman and sophomore years. Stanford
Research Park, founded as Stanford In-
dustrial Park in 1951, on Page Mill Road
just off campus, is the crib of Silicon Val-
ley. Itis where William Hewlett and David
Packard developed the audio oscillator
that became the first product of Hewlett-
Packard. Among the tech firms that have
been started at Stanford or launched
by Stanford alumni in the years since
are Google, Sun Microsystems, Yahoo,
LinkedIn and Cisco. While Spiegel was
a junior, two Stanford grads launched
Instagram, which Facebook acquired in
2012 for $1 billion. Under Stanford pres-
ident John L. Hennessy, an electrical en-
gincer and tech entrepreneur who sits on
the boards of Google and Cisco, the col-
lege has become so intertwined with tech
culture that Hennessy has been called the
“godfather of Silicon Valley.”

For bright students like Spiegel,
Hennessy had practically built a start-up.
assembly line. All Spiegel had to do was
come up with an idea, find program-
mers to build it and then use his Stanford
professors to introduce him to investors
and venture capitalists. He was sitting in

"Ms. Lake, your habit of getting to the office half dressed and half an hour late must continue indefinitely."

127

PLAYBOY

128

classes next to visiting tech moguls such
as Eric Schmidt from Google and Chad
Hurley from YouTube, was given a part-
time job by Scott Cook, founder of Intuit,
and was introduced to potential investors

by professor Peter C. Wendell, founder of

Sierra Ventures. It was inevitable Spiegel
would launch his own business, and by
the end of sophomore year he believed
he had found the next big thing, starting
FutureFreshman.com, a college guidance
and application website, along with math
wiz Murphy.

“We had identified the problem that kids
and parents didn’t know what to do in ap-
plying for college. We had this thing where
you could click on which schools you wanted
to apply to, and it made you a massive to-do
list,” Spiegel says. “But nobody used it. Still,

we learned alot about what not to do." Spie-
gel designed the website and Murphy built
i on the project over а summer,
both realized two important truths about
start-ups: Don't get into a space where well-
funded competitors (in this case a website.
alled Naviance.com) could outspend you
into oblivion, and make sure your idea is
truly disruptive—a new idea, not just another
good idea. The idea has to be killer, or no
matter how well designed the product (and
Spiegel still believes FutureFreshman.com
was an impeccably designed website), the
business will die.

.
Brown spent the fall of 2010 in Oxford,
U.K., while Spiegel went to Cape Town,
South Africa—typical of Stanford juniors,

“You poor dear! Has that husband of hers come home early? Why don’t
you pop up here to get out of the cold?”

who often spend at least one quarter abroad.
Spiegel had visited Cape Town before, help-
ing locals get jobs by teaching them how to
dress and how to conduct themselves di
ing interviews. When he returned during
his junior year at Stanford, he realized
that the jobs he had helped the young men
from one township secure had come at the
expense of young men from another town-
ship. “I hadn't created jobs; I simply took
jobs from students in other townships and
gave them to mine. I was devastated.” Life,
Spiegel realized, wasn't fair.

While Brown and Spiegel were abroad,
their fraternity had been kicked off cam-
pus for one year for serving alcohol during
a dry week. Brown and Spiegel returned
to the dorms, this time on the same floor
of Kimball Hall, and the two took up their
friendship where they had left off,
quently dropping by each other's rooms
or hanging out with fraternity brothers
Spiegel was increasingly frustrated, wor-
ried that his time at Stanford was coming
to a close and he had yet to come up with а
killer idea. Meanwhile, the tech world һай
changed, and many promising new start-
ups were now built around mobile appli
tions instead of websites—Instagram being
a prime example. Apple's iPhone 4 had
further changed the tech industry, putting
phones with front-facing cameras in every-
one’s pocket and demanding more user
time than computers. Spiegel knew from
his d.school classes that venture capitalists
were looking for mobile apps that capital-
ized on this new technology, but he had yet
to come up with a product he felt passion-
ate enough about to develop.

One afternoon in April 201 1, Brown w
hanging out in a Kimball dorm room with
two frat brothers. The three were watch-
ing television when Brown began to la-
ment that he had sent a provocative photo
of himself to a female acquaintance and
now wished he could somehow unsend it.
In fact, he observed, it would be awesome
if you could do that with photos and sexy
text messages. Or how about making any
message or photo disapp

"That could be a cool app," Brown said.

He paused, waiting to see how the idea
played in the room. The other brother
not seeing the potential, dismissed it as а
sexting app. "Brown ran out of my room
fter he thought he had struck gold and
went to Spiegel," says a fellow member of
Kappa Sigma. " He just knew Spiegel would
take him seriously and move forward.”

Brown found Spiegel in his room and
told him the idea, which Spiegel, accord-
ing to Brown, exclaimed was a “million-
dollar idea.” Spiegel excitedly asked
Brown if they could work on the project
together, and Brown agreed. The two set
off to seek a fraternity brother who could
program the app. They recruited Spie-
gel's former partner Murphy to join them
and, in an "explicit oral agreement," di-
vided the venture into thirds, according
to the complaint Brown filed in February
2013. Brown was to be chie! ing of-
ficer, Murphy chief technology officer and
Spiegel chief executive officer. Why did
Spiegel automatically take the preeminent

role even though, as he acknowledges, the
idea wasn't his? Because Brown was an
English major and therefore didn't add
as much value as a product-design major
like Spiegel, who had already started and
failed at one business. Spiegel has said in
his own depositions that Brown was eager
to participate so he could learn from Spie-
gel. In Stanford's culture, the humani-
ties have been undervalued in the face of
supposedly more practical majors such as
computer science and engineering, some-
thing eve ersity president Hennessy
has la y be the ultimate
expression of the new hierarchy: An Eng-
lish major, it goes without saying, is not
qualified to be CEO, even if the whole
damn thing was his idea.

Brown's idea was the seed for one of the
stest-growing companies in tech history
The app's usage expanded from a small
group of high schoolers in Orange County,
"alifornia—the school Spiegel's cousin at-
tended turned out to be a key catalyst—to
virtually every teen in America. While In-
stagram and Facebook tap people's vanity
by offering them "likes" and "hearts" on
their best photos, Snapchat taps their in-
security by offering them the freedom to
send a picture they know will self-erase іп
a few seconds. And while Facebook and
Instagram allow for the passive posting
of photos, Snapchat allows users to push
photos to whomever they like. "Our ap-
plication makes communication a lot
ore human and natural," says Spiegel.
Jur goal is to make communication fun
again." That mantra seems to be work-
ing, as the company has gone from 40,000
users in Febru; 2012 to more than
26 million U.S. users today, according to
a Pew Research Center study. "Snapchat
stopped being just an app and turned into
a culture, a phenomenon," writes Chloe
Drimal, a Yale senior, in a Yale Daily Neus
op-ed. "It's basically Twitter combined with
texting combined with crack. Twitter gives
you 140 characters to say your thought or
what you are currently doing; Snape
gives you 31. A text is permanent; a Snap-
chat is gone within 10 seconds.” In many
ways Facebook has become too grown-up,
too neat and tidy; Snapchat is where kids
can go to goof off.

By the time Snapchat added video
capabilities in December 2012, the rest of
the tech industry was playing catch-up.
Facebook scrambled to launch its version
of Snapchat, called Poke. The project was
built by Facebook engineers in just 12 days,
with no less than CEO Mark Zuckerberg
writing code and serving as the voice for
the “Poke” notification. Spiegel retorted

Zuckerberg's panicked response with
Welcome, Facebook. Seriously,” an hom-
4 challenging IBM.
of sharing your life in snippets
of video has been transformative,” says
Yosef Solomon, a digital-marketing strat-
egist. “The growth potential is based on
Snapchat going from a mobile chat plat-
form toa mobile social platform.”

The great remaining question is just

how much Snapchat is worth. Despite its
remarkable growth, the company has no
proven business plan to rake in revenue.
Twitter went public in November with
an $18 billion valuation, but financial
analysts have since downgraded its stock,
even with a market cap of about $30 bil
lion, Snapchat's last round of investment,
in June 2013, from several venture capital
firms, valued the company at $800 mil-
lion. (Spiegel personally extracted
$10 million.) Zuckerberg's $3 billion of-
fer in November established the current
baseline valuation. Not bad for a company
with 30-some employees

For Stanford students Brown, Spiegel
and Murphy,launchingamultbillion-dollar
tech firm should have been the mod-
ern equivalent of now-obsolete collegiate
dreams: Write a novel before you gradu-
ate, get your band signed to a record deal
or—who knows?—win a Heisman trophy.
Snapchat is the latest proof that, if you are
at the right school at the right time, you сап
indeed forma company and get no-worries
wealthy before you can legally drink. That's
why it is so tragic that Brown and Spiegel
would never share in their success.

Pacific Palisades in summer has a surpris-
ingly conducive climate for getting work
done. The beachfront community of
multimillion-dollar homes goes through
an extended stretch of what locals call
"June gloom," during which the days
Сап remain overcast until midafternoon
For the three would-be tech moguls, who
were staying at Spiegel's father's Toyopa
Drive mansion (which Spiegel nicknamed
“startuphau5”), the climate was perfect
for long days spent programming their
app, building the design and figuring
out how to launch what they were then
calling Picaboo. At this stage, before they
had a product to sell, Spiegeland Murphy
made tangible contributions—they were,
after all, writing the code that would
become the application—while Brown
availed himself of the free food and beer
provided by Spiegel. However, Brown
made undeniable contributions even dur-

ing this period, including coming up with

the “Ghostface Chillah” logo. Brown di-
rected Spiegel as he used Adobe InD.
to draw the logo. (Snapchat still uses a
version of that logo.) Brown also be
to draw up the terms of service, privacy
policy, frequently asked questions and the
potential offering language for the appli
cation in the iTunes store. According to
court documents, Brown also came up
with the name of the limited-liability cor-
poration that became Snapchat's parent
company, and in conversation all three
agreed they would be equal partners in
the venture. For now, however, the ap-
plication was being developed under the
aegis of Spiegel and Murphy's Future
Freshman LLC, their old, failed start-up.
This was, Brown believed, a technical-
ity, and the fact that he had zero percent
equity in his frat brothers’ old business
was irrelevant, At this point Murphy, in
his communications with frat brothers

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about the new application, described it
as the product of "Bobby, Evan, Reggie."

That would be the summer of Snapchat,
what should have been remembered by ай
three men in their golden years as a magi-
cal season when they created an applica-
tion that would literally change the world.
and that, for those few weeks, was known.
only to the three of them. To be young and
so promising, and to sense and believe you

tion, to be working 15-hour days in har-
ness to this dream and to actually be on
the verge of realizing it—the application
went live on iTunes on July 8, 2011—
should have engendered generosity and
fraternal love instead of what apparently
came to pass: a betrayal, according to
Brown, and disappointment in a friend,
according to Spiegel.

By August, Brown had returned to Co-
lumbia, South Carolina, believing he was
equal partner in the app, which he had,
after all, conceived. While there, he began
to write the patent application for Picaboo,
because Spiegel was increasingly worried
that another tech company could steal
the idea. Brown put Murphy's name first
in the patent application, followed by his
own and then Spiegel's, an order that of-
fended Spiegel. (The order of names on a
patent application does not denote relative
credit for the invention.) Spiegel expressed
his anger by insisting that Brown speed
up the patent process, an impossible task.
Brown, sensing that Spiegel was becoming
more distant, felt he needed to confirm.
the equity arrangement in their new busi-
ness. He asked Spiegel if they could have а
three-way call on August 16, 2011. Spiegel
alerted Murphy, telling him, "Reggie wants
to discuss equi

Spiegel took the call from his bedroom,
which his father had allowed him to ren-
ovate to his specifications with a white-
leather king-size bed. Murphy was by the
pool. Brown reiterated his understanding
that he was an equal equity partner in the
business, and he listed his many contribu-
tions. "He claimed that he had created the
original idea," Murphy said in a legal de-
position. "He had designed the ghost. And
there were some disagreements about what
that meant.”

‘At one point in the conversation Brown
said to Spiegel, “I directed your talents.”

Spiegel hung up.

Murphy asked Brown what he wanted.
“Thirty three percent” Brown said.

“That's not gonna happen," Murphy said.

Spiegel and Murphy then changed the
passwords on Snapchat's computer serv-
ers and accounts. They never spoke with
Brown again.

Spiegel has by now wriuen Brown out of
the Snapchat genesis story, describing his
first phone call with Murphy as the mo-
ment of inception, the moment he wanted
to transform Future Freshman into “an
app that would let people send photos that.
would disappear... We had no idea that
what we now know as ephemeral media

130 would change the communication land-

scape. We just thought it might be cool to
make photos disappear.” In this alterna-
tive history, Snapchat is presented as the
next in line of Future Freshman's prod-
ucts, In interviews, when pressed, Spiegel
has gone so far as to say that a “friend”
came to him with an idea, yet he refuses
to acknowledge that as the foundational
moment. It was his and Murphy's work
writing the code and designing the prod-
uct that was the truc inspiration. In depo-
sitions Spiegel says Brown was working
at Spiegel’s father’s house that summer
in exchange for room and board and the
valuable business experience gained at
Spiegel's knee. Brown, after all, couldn't
read computer code, so what value could
he possibly have added?

Yet Brown's attorneys, in questioning
Spiegel, have asked him, “Did you come up
with the idea for deleting picture messages?”

“Uh, no.”

“Did Bobby come up with the idea?”
“No, he did not.”
“Who came up with the idea?”

Spiegel answered, “Reggie did.”

Spiegel never graduated, but Brown did
and has started business school at Duke
University’s Fuqua School of Business—
never again will he be a mere English
major. Spiegel has proven to be, in ac-
cordance with his worldview, very adept
at “working the system” and now presides
over the company viewed as the grav-
est threat to Facebook and Twitter and
the best bet to be the next great social-
networking empire. But amid recent
criticism that he too cavalierly responded
to a security breach in which more than
4 million user names and phone numbers
were publicly posted, some question how
skillfully he can play the CEO game if and
when Snapchat goes public. He seems to
have calculated every angle, including
this one: Even a large settlement or ad-
verse ruling that awards Brown hundreds
of millions of dollars—perhaps the worst-
case scenario in the event Spiegel loses
іп court—is still far less valuable than 33
percent of Snapchat.

Stanford University has become, if
possible, even more start-up obsessed
since Snapchat began its meteoric rise.
Computer science became the school's
most popular major during Spiegel and
Brown's final year, and the number of
computer science majors and students
enrolled in introductory computer sci-
ence classes has risen since then. In the
summer of 2013, to better harness the
value of its own offspring, the university
announced it would invest in students"
start-ups like а venture capital firm,
through its incubator StartX.

1f three frat brothers could work the
system and create a business worth billions.
in a matter of months, then there must Бе
more billion-dollar apples to be plucked on
Stanford's verdant campus. If only, incom-
ing freshmen think as they drive up Palm
Drive, they can find the right idea.

TY BURRELL,

Qs
rLAYBOY: What was your usual role in your
family?

BURRELL: I think I may have been the en-
tertainment for the evening, the down of
our house. My role was mainly to crack ev-
erybody up. I have an older brother and sis-
ter and a younger brother. My dad and his
brother were funny guys, and they would do
jokes, At family partes my younger brother
and I began doing our own routines and be-
came a very unaccomplished, undisciplined,
rambling comedy team with maybe 10

cent decent material. I was the big dumb guy
and my brother was the small boss.

99

PLAYBOY: When did you most test your
mother's patience and your father's thera-
peutic skills?

BURRELL: I was a terrible student but a very
big, very accomplished daydreamer. In ju-
nior high in Oregon I was a delinquent for
a stretch. I was a bit lost during that pe-
riod. I got into vandalism, stealing. 1 was
running with the wrong crowd. These guys
had taken me in, and I was pretty excited
about that. I didn't know how to think for
myself, and my self-esteem wasn't particu-
larly high. We were out of control to the
point that the sheriff came to our front door
like it was old-timey Mayberry and told ту
father, “Ty may have destroyed some prop-
erty.” My parents were confused and didn't
know what to do because they'd never been
in that boat before. But by the time I got to
high school I was playing football, basket-

and baseball. Sports saved me.

10
rLAYBOY: Did being the son of a therapist
in a rural town of 200 put extra pressure
on you when it came to dating, let alone
losing your virginity?

BURRELL: I was 15 when I lost my vi
ity. It was terrible. She was a really nice
person, but I was so clumsy, really ineffec-
tual. Luckily or unluckily, I don't have a
ton of exes. Before my wife I was in only
two relationships, one for five years and
another for three and a half years. I'm a
serial monogamist.

оп
PLAYBOY: What were your jobs before act-
ing came into the picture?

BURRELL: 1 was pretty directionless in high
school and my 20s. I did telemarketing.
I was a tour guide, and I was terrible at
it. I worked for the state of Oregon fight-
ing forest fires—I was terrible at that too.
I worked for my uncle on construction,
and I was so terrible they'd just have me
sweep up and take stuff to the dump, while
my younger cousin was already framing
houses. I literally couldn't swing а hammer.

12
PLAYBOY: How did you get into acting?
BURRELL: At the University of n I was
allowed into a graduate-level Shakespeare

class a day after arriving back on campus af-
ter I'd dropped out of school for a few years.
I was completely out of my depth, but we
were all asked to improvise a Shakespearean
character. After I did mine and got laughs,
I was hooked. The laughs were always what
I was after, but I was too scared to pursue
comedy full-on. I continued to take what-
ever work I could get until I fell into the laps
of [Modern Family creators] Chris Lloyd and
Steve Levitan. That sounds wrong.

оз
т.лүһоу: When you were in grad school
you apparently saved money by living out
of your van. That couldn't have been good
for your social life.

BURRELL: Basically, when I was 28 to 29 or
so I would stay with my mentors, husband-
and-wife professors, and then sleep on their
porch for a while, and then I'd live in the
van. I may have had one date during that
whole period, which was about a year on
and off. Basically, when my date figured out
I was living in my van, I didn't hear from
her again. The funniest thing was I was
confused about why. I was like, “What's the
problem?” I didn't realize 1 was the creepy
guy in a van. What could possibly be hold-
ing up this relationship? The van pretty
much eliminated my dating life completely.

ом
PLAYBOY: In retrospect, maybe you'd have
been better off living someplace indoors,
even if you had to split the rent.

BURRELL: But honestly, some of my best
memories are of that period. It was so un-
complicated. I was busy with grad school,
so 1 had real purpose. If you have that,
there isn't much need for anything else. 1
had focus and a routine. І would get up, go
shower in the gym, read scripts and mem-
orize them in the van. You know the way
people talk about prison as a meditative,
transforming place? The van was like а
little prison cell—only without all the other
terrible prison stuff going on.

015

PLAYBOY: You know that old song lyric “Хо-
body walks in LA."? So many people have
seen you walking to the studio where you
film Modern Family that maybe the song
lyric should be amended to "Nobody walks
in L.A.—except Ty Burrell.” Have you
stopped driving?

BURRELL: You walk much more in New
York, and I got used to that. Now I don't
drive on weekends unless we're going
somewhere. I just kind of shut it down on
Friday night. We lived closer to the studio
before we moved, but even now, on Mon-
day morning all I have to do is get in my
really old Volkswagen Beetle and have my
super-easy three-mile commute.

Q16
PLAYBOY. You've scored biggest in com-
edy, but after moving to New York you
made your Broadway debut with Kelsey
Grammer in Macbeth, and in succeeding
years you co-starred in New York theater
productions of Burn This with Edward
Norton and Catherine Keener, and in

Richard Ш. You also got movie roles, of-
ten playing dweebs and unsympathetic,
obnoxious guys in movies such as National
Treasure: Book of Secrets, The Incredible Hulk,
Fur: An Imaginary Portrait of Diane Arbus and
Daun of the Dead. Why so serious?

BURRELL; Because I look like Eddie Mun-
ster or a vampire, I think people tended
to think of me as the bad guy. For a long
time I played a lot of assholes, At first 1 had.
a hard time getting into the comedy stuff,
but in the back of my mind that was what I
really wanted to do. There are some really
great asshole parts, and I've been offered
a few, but I did that for so long that it’s
fun now to play closer to myself—a well-
intentioned idiot.

Q17
PLAYBOY, You're staying comedic and
family-friendly in your new movies, includ-
ing Muppets Most Wanted and two animated
films for which you provide vocal talent,
the Finding Nemo sequel Finding Dory and
Мк Peabody € Sherman.

BURRELL: I also filmed The Skeleton Twins,
which definitely isn't family-friendly. It's
very dark and has great writing. Bill Hader
and Kristen Wiig play fraternal twins who
try to commit suicide on the same day. I play
a young teacher at Bill's high school who
hada relationship with Bill that caused a big
scandal. It's complicated because my char-
acter has been in love with him the whole
time since. I have a lot of hope for that film.

018
PLAYBOY. Since the makers of the Pixar films
tend to have an uncanny knack for matching
an actor's essence with his animated avatar,

what traits do you share ih the beluga
whale you play in Finding

BURRELL ети] Lam super
social. have oversize, flabby heads. So
do I. If you catch me in the middle of winter
when there is a lack of sun, I, like the be-
luga, take on a sort of translucence. Other
than that, Muppets Most Wanted is as funny as
the last Muppet movie, and it was so much
fun to play a character that broad—a French
Interpol inspector who is like Inspector
Clouseau overlaid with Hercule Poirot over-
laid with Monsieur Hulot, If you remember
Mr. Peabody and Sherman from the classic
ТУ cartoons on Rocky and His Friends, the
movie is really stylish, smart, witty and silly.

019

PLAYBOY: How do you feel about this season's
story line on Modern Family, ramping up to
the wedding of the gay characters played by
Eric Stonestreet and Jesse Tyler Ferguson?

BURRELL: I honestly think we've done some
of our best episodes because of the wed-
ding. All of us got fired up and felt a sense
of purpose and excitement. I hear stories
about people who are conservative coming
up to the guys and saying, “I think differ-
ently now en you." And it's so cool
that it's done without waving a huge ban-
ner or planting a flag at the top оға hill.

Q20
7LAY BOY: И Ше were like a high school
yearbook, with mottoes under our por-
traits, how would yours read?

BURRELL: "Most likely to stumble into great

situations.”

“The children are at that age when they're beginning to wonder
where you hid all the money you stole.”

131

PLAYBOY

PLEASURE SEEKERS

“I'm like a Jewish mother,” she says by
way of explanation.

Onstage, Blackman announces, "We've
dosed the doors, This group is going to be
the first to have an OM at the OMX.” The
crowd claps and cheers.

Some of the men have already begun

art of their partner's
is is called the“initial grounding.”
the largest OM group yet,” says
Yia Vang. another orgasmic-meditation
teacher here to facilitate the weekend and
this, the world’s largest finger bang. “You
are history in the makin

They cheer once more, then the talking
stops. A staff member starts a 15-minute
timer on her iPhone, and the largest-ever
group orgasm begins.

OneTaste Inc. was founded by Nicole
Daedone in 2004. She is part CEO, part
guru. Tall, blonde and lean, Daedone, a
vital and vibrant 46-year-old, is a former
Buddhist nun-in-training and the author
of Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female
Orgasm. She was raised in tony Los Gatos,
California, an affluent town in Silicon Val-
ley and home to Apple co-founder Steve
Wozniak and Pet Rock inventor Gary Dahl.
Prior to One Taste, Daedone taught gender
communicat at San Francisco State Uni-
versity, specializing in semantics, and owned.
an art gallery called 111 Minna Gallery in
San Francisco's SoMa district.

Daedone experienced her first OM at a
party. "I was showing off all my Buddhist
intelligence, and a guy said, "Oh really? I
want to show you this Buddhist practice.”
That technique, she explains, involved
taking off her pants and letting him stroke
her pussy for 15 minutes. “I can't believe I
said yes, Something deeper, I think, pulled
me,” she says. “The practice was so mind-
altering, it shifted me.”

A month later the man called Daedone
and asked whether she was interested in
watching an OM demonstration with a
woman deeply experienced in the art. She
hesitated, unsure about watching another
woman orgasm, but went. The demon-
stration further changed Daedone. “I got
switched on. It was like a light went on inside
me. And then everything I had wanted from
Buddhism, which was this notion of all of us
being connected, looked possible after hav-
ing that experience.”

Daedone was getting a lavender
facial when she decided to open the first
orgasmic-meditation center. She named the
company One Taste after a Buddhist expres-
sion: Just as the great oceans have but one.
taste, the taste of salt, so do all the teachings
of the Buddha have but one taste, the taste.
of liberation.

By necessi ic meditation follows а
strict format. There is always the nest itself
and the nesting position, Then there is
grounding pressure—firm yet pleasurable

132 touching—such as kneading the woman's

thigh, which is an opportunity for the pair
to get into harmony. One Taste advisors are
quick to point out that OM is not foreplay,
nor is it meant to be romantic, OM is a medi-
tative partner practice that just happens to
involve female-genital stimulation. As the
literature explains, “ОМ: fing gives partners.
a stronger, more nuanced experience of
orgasmic sensation."

Blackman, the lead orgasmic-meditation
instructor, Ба former software engincer, a
short man, maybe five-foot-one. He speaks
confidently into a microphone that coils

Look at your partner's
he says. “Тһе color,

texture, sheen.”

This is called “noticing,” another stan-
dard OM component, Afterward, the
men ask their female partners for permis-
sion to place their fingers on the woman's
vagina (in OM parlance this is known as
"safeporting"). Then, for the next 14 min-
utes, the men use a bent left index finger
to stroke the upper-left-hand quadrant of
their partner's clit, with very light, flutter-
ing movements, the way you might gently
itch a mosquito-bitten eyelid.

Moans of pleasure start slowly and
then build inside the Regency Center.
One woman whinnies like a horse. Oth-
ers giggle, hysterical. Some make deep,
guttural grunts, There are oooohs and
aahhhhhs and O000000H HHs. Women
shriek, and some buck in fits of ecstasy.
Someone shouts, “Oh God!”

Аз per custom, a two-minute warning is
issued at minute 13, and the men admi
ter slightly firmer, “meatier” strokes to bring
their partner down. Then they cup the palm
of their hand against their partner's mons,
applying pressure to ground her once more,
and finish by pressing a terry cloth towel to
wipe up any fluid and lubricant.

It is standard practice, and a key part of
the OM routine, for the man and woman to
each share a "frame," a snapshot of a feel-
ing that stood out for them from any part of
the 15-minute OM. A microphone is passed.
around so that participants can share their
frames with the entire conference.

“I felt the energy of the entire room in
my finger and cheeks," says one man. "It's
still there. I can feel everyone.”

“There was a moment when my pussy felt
like warm, buttery, liquid caramel,” shares a
woman with a woozy voice.

"I felt waves of energy from my pussy up
to my heart chakra and spreading around
us like a lotus flower,” says another. Then
it's time for lunch.

“Two food trucks parked outside the Regency
Center will accept vouchers that are for sale
on the main level, Blackman explains. Тһе
staff will clean up the nests. The $12 food-
truck vouchers are good for one meal each.
For today's lunch the options are sushi or
sausage. Yes, really.

While I wait for my Provencale duck sau-
sage and hand-cut fries, I chat with a shy,
curly-haired man named Brendan whom
I recognized as a conference attendee by
his OneTaste T-shirt, the word PENETRATE
printed across it.

Later I find Brendan upstairs, sitting
with his wife, Dawn, in a third-floor hang-
out room that has been filled with sturdy
black-and-white blow-up love seats and over-
size armchairs. He ordered sausage, while
she opted for sushi. (I know, I know.) The
room smells of rubber and meat. A large
coffee urn and assorted creamers and sweet-
eners are arranged on a folding table against
the back wall, like at an AA meeting.

Brendan and Dawn have been mar-
ried for 27 years, and their marriage, like
many others, has had its share of problems.
‘Two years ago. Dawn, who has worked as a
school nurse in Delaware and has a tattoo of
a dragon covering her back, left the country
to embark on an Eat, Pray, Love-style jour-
ney through Thailand, Bali and India. She
heard about orgasmic meditation—she'd
been involved in other self-improvement
communities before—and when she
returned to the States, she encouraged
Brendan to try it.

Before OMing, Brendan says, he was very
closed off, disconnected, not particularly
mindful. OMing, they agree, has done won-
derful things for their marriage. Brendan
says he's even thinking about moving out
of Delaware, where they raised their three
(now adult) children, and joining Dawn in
New York, where she lives alone.

Brendan and Dawn feel so strongly
about the positive effects of orgasmic
meditation that they've persuaded their
24-year-old daughter, Sadye, who works in
New York as a nanny, to get involved. Their
30-year-old son, however, is “weirded out"
by the practice.

Dawn remains dedicated. "I've done
many modalities of meditation, and it's just.
that. My mind wanders and I have to come
back to the finger on the clit."

At the end of the first day a kick-off event
is held in the Regency ballroom, a beaux
arts grand hall with 35-foot ceilings, 22
turn-of-the-century teardrop chandeliers,
a horseshoe balcony and a stage. Bryn
Freedman, producer of the hit АКЕ addic-
tion series Intervention, introduces Daedone,
calling her "the Jimi Hendrix of stroking.”
Not an unfit nickname.

Daedone takes the stage wearing a tight
black minidress and black high-heel ankle
booties as the Black Eyed Peas "I Gotta Feel-
ing" booms from the speakers. She and a few
of her staffers dance onstage, and soon the
entire audience is out of their seats, shim-
mying, shaking and jumping.

“I am the nun that gets some,” Dae-
done says, settling into a tall chair front
and center on the stage. She talks about
OneTaste—it started in her art gallery,
which had room enough for 40 people to
OM—and how she is “no longer settling for
security but living to build the turn-on.”
Daedone envisions a world in which oxy-
tocin (the so-called love hormone) "flows
like the land of milk and honey.” Orgasmic
meditation is about building and fostering
myriad relationships, not just conventional
partners, she says. “Connection is the new
religion.... Tonight is the beginning of light-
ing up the power grid.” From time to time

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as she speaks, she spreads her legs, reveal-
ing a flash of fuchsia satin panties.

Daedone leaves the stage briefly and
assistants bring out a massage table along
with a round, wooden side table, on which
they place a pot of OneStroke lube, a terry
doth towel and a single lily in a glass vase.
When Daedone returns she is wearing а
white butcher's apron over her evening-
wear and is joined by Justine, a blonde
One Taste employee who could pass for her
sister. Justine removes her skirt and panties,
climbs onto the massage table and assumes a
prone position. Both she and Daedone are
miked and spotlighted.

Justine is already breathing heavily when
Daedone brings her gloveless, lubed fin-
gers down between Justine's legs. Daedone
explains that she will start the OM by giv-
ing Justine “bread-and-butter strokes,"
basic ease-you-into-the-moment strokes.
We lean forward in our seats until Daedone
says, "Everyone, exhale."

Daedone fingers Justine's clit, swaying
and gyrating and contortinig her body tke
an orchestral conductor with a hard-on, and
Justine’s 15-minute orgasm plays on sur-
round sound, amplified by the enormous

floor-to-ceiling speakers on either end of

the stage. Daedone's face contorts like a con-
cert pianist's. At one point, she utters a very
faint, raspy "Fuuuck." It's hard to tell who is.

enjoying herself more.

At the end of 15 minutes, Daedone wip
off her hands and blots Justine's crotch
a towel. Justine sits up, her face glow
eyes dark and glassy. Then the audience
lines up at a standing microphone in front
of the stage; it is time again to share frames.

“My stomach burned, my palms burned,
and I cried,” says a middle-aged man.

One woman says her vision blurred and
she felt heat on the bottom of her thighs.

"My favorite part," says Daedone, “is when
1 can feel the heartbeat in my thumb and the
heartbeat in her pus

She calls Justine’s postorgasmic after-
glow the “honey blanket.” A roomful of
rapt faces agrees.

industry of orgasm is an emerging one,

Taste is on a mission to both disrupt
and civilize. Over the course of the week-
end, people tell me orgasmic meditation
has changed their life, saved their life, given

“Well, like duhhh! Of course he’s hung like a horse!”

them life, but perhaps none more so than
Joanna Van Vleck, president of OneTaste.

“I am the most unlikely person to find
orgasm," says Van Vleck, who is bubbly
and friendly and eager to open up. Three
years ago she wa ig out the last week
of her life, planning to kill herself on her
27th birthday, when a gift from the orgasm
fairy showed up on her doorstep. Seriously.
The tiny basket contained one sunflower,
two brownies and a note that read, “Happy
birthday, from the turn-on fairy.” The
gift was left by somebody from OneTaste,
though she is not sure who.

Van Vleck had met a couple of OneTaste
women a few weeks earlier, connected by
a friend who knew Van Vleck was new
10 San Francisco and didn't have many
friends there. But the lunch meeting hadn't
resulted in an immediate connection, and
Van Vleck believed that was the last she'd
see of the women.

“I called my friend and was like, "They
were weird. They don’t know a good place
to get pedicures; they didn't like drinking
wine. We're not going to be friends." She
was planning to kill herself anyway. “I was
driving in my Lexus, and I had this flash:
Joanna, it's not worth it to live anymore.
‘The plan gave her peace. “It was like every
part of my feeling capacity had been turned
off. This crazy voice inside me told me it was
okay to end my life. So I decided I would
live out the last seven days of my life."

The basket arrived on day five. On day
six, the eve of her 27th birthday, something
hit her. “I was like, Maybe there is some-
thing else for me to learn in this life, maybe
there is something else to feel, maybe
there is something else to connect to.” She
scrapped the suicide plan. She was going
to keep going, at least for a while longer.
‘Then the same friend who had introduced
her to the two OneTaste women introduced
her to Daedone. They had brunch. Van
Vleck, whose passion and experience are in
marketing, was filled with ideas and inspi-
ration. “Orgasmic meditation—do you
know what we can do on the internet with
that?" she said. “We can really do som
thing amazing with this.” Daedone hired
her on the spot.

То be clear: ОпеТаме is an incorpo-
rated business, and while its “product” is
a meditative practice (or a richer orgasm,
depending on how you look at it), when
you put the nest away, the company is still
a for-profit machine. Depending on whom
1 asked, between 1,000 and 1,300 people
registered for the OMX conference in San
Francisco. At $395 a ticket, that's at least
$395,000 in the bank before venue costs
and speaker fees, though all the speakers.
have OneTaste affiliations, including Dr.
Pooja Lakshmin, who does orgasm research
at Rutgers U у, and Reese Jones, а
venture capitalist on Harvard Medical
School's Genetics Advisory Council and
a trustee at Singularity University (who із
also in a committed monogamous relation-
ship with Daedone).

"Then there are the classes. The one-day
introductory class "How to OM,” taught
at OneTaste branches across the country,
costs $195 a person. OneTaste's six

mastery program (which includes classes
such as “Ном to Fuck," "How to Suck Cock"
and "How to Suck Pussy") costs $7,500.
‘There are also one-on-one coaching sessions
that cost more per hour than many licensed
psychiatrists charge, even in Manhattan, and
a men-only class that's $495 per guy.

Orgasm is a lucrative—and growing—
business, so much so that One Taste plans
to launch an Orgasm Business Mastery Pro-
gram, in which participants learn how to
run their businesses based on the princi-
ples and connection of orgasmic meditation.
The three-month program, held оп week-
ends, will cost $4,995. There will also be
а community-building class, with turn-on
training in London, Las Vegas, San Fran-
cisco and New York, costing $2,750.

At the end of the weekend, Van
Vleck announces
onstage that the
first seven people
in the hall to physi-
cally reach her will
receive free tuition
to the OM-based
business-mastery
program. She
counts down back-
ward from five, four,
three, two.... At оле,
men and women
leap from their seats,
sprinting. Women іп
short dresses clam-
ber over the stage,
and men, abandon-
ing any pretense
of composure, flail
outstretched arms
toward Van Vleck.
Robin Thicke's

ТЕСТЕН Lines"
plays through the
giant speakers, and
those not running for
a scholarship dance.

To bring the
weekend to a close,
Daedone passes a
microphone around,
giving the hundreds
of men and women
packed into the hall
à chance to share а
final thought on their
experience. They
address Daedone as
though she were a shining celebrity, a guru, a
goddess. They are all excited to speak directly
10 her, as if they are communing with God
him—or her—self.

The prompt: Today, 1 am leaving here
with...

"One thousand question:

“А huge crush on you, Nicole."

"Orgasmic determination."

"More. Lovers."

"Magic."

A few weeks later I meet Sadye, the
24-year-old daughter of Brendan and
Dawn, the married couple from the co
ference. We meet at Anfora, a wine ba

Cigarcom

Manhattan's West Village. It is late summer,
ars a white sundress and san-
the picture of purity, sweet with
her blonde hair.

“Му mom is always on some journey
10 find herself," she tells me. So is Sadye.
The duo has even attended Tony Robbins
conferences together. They share a very
“dynamic,” candid relationship. When
Sadye moved to San Francisco last year to
work as a nanny, her пи
this thing I've been doing;
weird, but you're right in the heart of it."
Dawn was referring, of course, to OM. "You
should check it out,” Sadye remembers her
mother saying.

Sadye's first OneTaste experience took
place at a 15-person coaching session taught
by none other than Daedone. “I just jump

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into things," she tells me. "And I'm a very
sexual person anyway." She had been put
off by the "very masculine energy" of Tony
Robbins and his “get shit done" approach
to self-improvement. OneTaste resonated
with her on an intimate level, honoring the
mixture of emotionality and sexual energy
that someone like Daedone would refer to
as "the fei
We talk about OMing, sexuality and self-
help. About needing to "let her feminine
out." About becoming more deeply inte-
grated in the community and what it's like.
to have parents in that same community.
Sadye invites me to join her at an OM cir-
cle, so the next night I wait for her outside а
building on a crowded stretch of Broadway

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Or visit www.cigar.com/CGSA412

in SoHo. When she arrives, Dawn is with
her, and they've been shopping. We ride
the elevator to the seventh floor, where
the OM circle is being held in a space bor-
rowed from an onganization called Friends
in Deed, a crisis center for people with life-
threatening illnesses. The room is warm,
with large windows, a communal table and
couches dustered with large pillows.

Тһе crowd is a smaller version of the
conference: men and women, young
and old, black and white, rich and poor,
buttoned-down and hipster, pretty and
plain. Tonight Sadye will be OMing with
a man her mother has OMed with already.
The impromptu mother-daughter partner.
switch happened by accident: Dawn had
OMed with a man who suggested they OM
again at the circle. Dawn, he said, could

be his number two;
he was OMing first
with a new girl
named Sadye.

"I don't know if
there's enough room
in that circle for me
and you," Dawn says.

“It's weird,” Sadye
tells me. “But then
again, this whole

ird. And as
as it feels okay
to me, I'm going to
keep doing

Tonight's group
contains about 40
people. They OM
behind closed doors,
take a break, recei
ter, OM a second
time. When it's over,
everyone is glass
eyed and glowing.
"They beam. They
quickly come up
with plans to go out
for a group pizza
dinner. Sadye tells

be a while before
doesn't feel weird to
share an OM part-
ner with her mother.

As I say good-bye
to Sadye and Dawn,
1 consider that what
One Taste is selling—
be it sex tips or
self-help—is essentially well-meaning. The
intention is good: help people help them-
selves to a better quality of life through
orgasm. Besides, it brings families together—
at least tonight.

Out on the street I remember a con-
versation I had at the end of the OMX
conference in San Francisco. I was outside.
the Regency Center when I recognized a
security guard who had worked the confer-
ence all weekend.

"What did you think?" I asked him.
"Learn anything?"

“Ме?” he replied. "Nah, I'm already а
professional."

135

PLAYBOY

IRON

Charles knows me.’ Does he not know Ray
Charlesis dead, or is he saying that because.
it’s funny? After living his gimmick for so
long, it’s a little bit of the real-fake thing,”

“Even so-called normal wrestlers get
lost in their character," says Greg Oliver,
author of The Pro Wrestling Hall of Fame.
He mentions Dick "the Destroyer" Beyer,
an international star from the 19605, as an
example. “The Destroyer is a well-spoken
guy who has taught school and saved his
money. Yet when he went to a large event,
he still put on his mask, because that's who.
he is. There's a slippery slope to keeping
your sanity when you've played a charac-
ter for so long.”

Тһе man who would become the Iron
Sheik was born Khosrow Vaziri in March,
or maybe September. He isn't sure. He
believes the year was 1942 but is uncertain
of his birthday, since his family often con-
fused the Western calendar and the one
used in Iran. He knows he was born in the
ancient city of Damghan and was so dedi-
cated to amateur wrestling that as a teenager
he had 90 tattooed on his right forearm, for
the 90-kilogram weight class in which he
aspired to compete. The tattoo was done in
a brothel despite the fact that Vaziri took his
training and his Shiite faith so seriously he
didn’t lose his virginity until he was nearly
99. By then he'd represented Iran at inter-
national tournaments.

Among the Sheik's heroes: Shaban Jafari,
who performed feats of strength for foreign
delegations, and Gholamreza Takhti, a gold
medalist in wrestling at the 1956 Olym-
pics. Jafari and Takhti could hardly have
been more opposite. Jafari won the favor
of Mohammad Reza Pahlavi, the shah of
Iran, for organizing mobs to bust dissidents’
heads, earning him the ire of the people,
who called him Shaban Beemokh—Shaban
the Brainless. Takhti became an activist,
capitalizing on his fame to cross police lines
and bring food to demonstrators, until
1968, the government announced Takhti
had committed suicide in his room at Teh-
ran's Atlantic Hotel.

Vaziri had a good thing going at the
time. Because of his athletic achievements,
he worked as an assistant cameraman for
the national television network, report-
ing directly to the shah's cousin, and was
assigned to guard the royal family during
the 10-day festival at Persepolis, the ancient
Persian capital. Convinced by Takhti's death
that no one was safe in Iran, Vaziri fled,
accepting a long-standing offer to join the
Minnesota Amateur Wrestling Club, which
has consistently fielded competitors on the
0.5. Olympic squad for the past half cen-
tury. Guided by coach Alan Rice, Vaziri
won Amateur Athletic Union silver med-
als in 1969 and 1970, as well as the gold in
1971. The next year, he served as an assis-
tant coach for the U.S. Olympic team.

He also began training for professional
wrestling with Verne Gagne, promoter

136 of the then potent American Wrestling

Association in Minneapolis. Gagne was par-
ticular about whom he admitted into the
fraternity, and Vaziri's class included U.S.
Olympic weight lifter Ken Patera, former
Miami Dolphin and San Diego Charger Bob
Bruggers and the man widely regarded as
the greatest professional wrestler who ever
lived, Ric "Nature Boy” Flair.

It was Verne Gagne’s wife, Mary, who
came up with the gimmick that trans-
formed Khosrow Vaziri into the [ron
Sheik. The promoter and his spouse were
with the wrestler in a French restaurant in
Montreal, where Vaziri was working as an
assistant coach for the 1976 American Olym-
pic team. Vaziri told Gagne he was unhappy.
He was doing jobs—losing—to nearly every-
one in the AWA, even manager Bobby “the
Brain” Heenan. The problem, he said, was
that because of his amateur background,
the AWA was presenting him as a babyface,
or fan favorite. The three bantered about
possible heel personas, when Mary Gagne
shouted out, "The Iron Sh

The wrestler was unimpressed. Sheiks
are Arab, and he is Persian. And there was
another problem.

“We already have a Sheik in Detroit.”

Vaziri was referring to Ed “the Origi-
nal Sheik” Farhat, the Lebanese American
promoter who played a crazed Bedouin,
shooting fireballs at his foes and carving
them up with a pencil he stashed in his
trunks. Farhat did not appreciate gimmick
infringement, After Frankie Cain por-
trayed a similar character called the Great
Mephisto, Farhat slapped the hell out of him
on a Japanese tour.

"Don't worry about Farhat,” Mary Gagne
countered. “He doesn't pay your bills.”
Likewise, the American public was largely
clueless to the fact that Persians and Arabs
had different customs.

“She was a smart lady,” the Sheik remem-
bers of the woman who invented the
character that would alter the rest of his
life. “I love her forever.”

To get to the Legends of the Ring fan festival,
I take a bus from the Port Authority in Times
Square down the New Jersey Turnpike, past
billboards, power lines and swampland to
Monroe Township, an hour away. The bus
overshoots the hotel by about half a mile, so
I walk with a group of wrestling fans down
County Road 612 toward the Crowne Plaza.
As we pass an assisted-living facility, Louis
Curry, 42, a technician at St. Agnes Hospital
in Baltimore, asks my birthday.

“Мау 5."

“Мау 5," he repeats, calculating зоте-
thing in his head. A light goes on, and he
smiles widely. "Cowboy Bill Watts!"

At the convention there's по sign of Watts,
whose birthday is also May 5 and who ran
a pretty exciting promotion in Oklahoma
as the WWE, with Hulk Hogan at the helm,
was putting other regional territories out
of business. But the hotel's ballroom does
have former WWF champion Kevin "Diesel"
Nash, Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka and Marty
Janneity—Shawn Michaels’s partner in the
late 1980s in a popular tag team called the
Rockers—signing autographs next to tables

covered vith DVDs, WWE action figures and
old wrestling magazines. Upstairs I sit down
with Croatian-born Josip Peruzovié, who, as
Nikolai Volkoff, performed as a Soviet heel
and a tag-team partner of the Iron Sh.

Volkoff, 66, is a far cry from his Commie
persona: In 2006, he ran as a Republican for
the Maryland House of Delegates, but when
he's around wrestling fans he wears his gim-
mick, a fur hat with a Soviet army seal.

He probably knows the Iron Sheik bet-
ter than anybody in the wrestling business.
“I couldn't speak good English, and he was
worse than me, so we traveled together and
became good friends,” Volkoff says.

Before early flights, the two saved money
by sleeping in airport lots in a van Volkoff
outfitted with a sofa bed. Sometimes they
shared a hotel room. “We had different hab-
its,” Volkoff says, “He liked to party. I'm
allergic to alcohol. I always wanted to save
money. If 1 could take the shuttle from the
airport to the hotel, I'd do it. The Sheik
hated that. He'd say, ‘Nikolai, you cheap bas-

Hotels presented their own problems,
Once, before an important singles match
with Hogan, Volkoff ordered the Sheik to
keep quiet. When Volkoff woke up in the
middle of the night to use the bathroom, he
grew dizzy and stumbled. “I turn the lights
on,” Volkoff recalls, “and I see the whole
room is full of smoke. I had a contact high.
It wasn't just the Sheik in there. It was lots of
wrestlers. Some have passed away—I don't
want to say who, God bless their souls. 1 said,
‘Fuck off. Party's over.’ And I don't like to
curse. The Sheik could have gone to their
rooms. Why does he have to bring every-
body to me, to whisper and smoke and sit
on the floor in the dark?”

Even when the Sheik was partying, he
conducted himself as if he were back at
the zurkhaneh, the traditional “house of
strength” where he first learned to wrestle
and juggle 75-pound Iranian exercise clubs.

“We'd be sitting around smoking a joint,
and he'd start doing squats,” says King Kong
Bundy, the 458-pound hairless behemoth
announcers called the Walking Condomi
ium, “And he'd do hundreds of squats. He'd
be dripping with sweat. Just dripping. He
was a beast, a real beast. He has the consti-
tution ofa rl

Cowboy Bob Orton Jr.—father of cur-
rent WWE headliner Randy Orton—met
the Sheik when the future champ still
wrestled under his birth name, Khosrow
Vaziri, with a full head of black hair. Orton
remembers sharing a room with the Sheik
in either Cleveland or Detroit and hear-
ing an unusual quiver in the middle of
the night: "I'm thinking, What's this guy
doing? 1 look over and he's got this cooler
of beer sitting there, and he’s drinking
beer with his feet up against the wall, doing
handstand push-ups. I say, ‘It's four o'clock
in the morning.’ And he goes, “The Sheik
has to stay in shape. "

It took a while for the Sheik gimmick to
ignite. He tried a number of variations, some-
times billing himself as Lebanese, since at the
time the shah of Iran was a U.S. ally. Then

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PLAYBOY

came the 1979 Iranian Revolution, which
saw the shah replaced by Ayatollah Kho-
meini and a hostage crisis that involved 52
Americans held captive in Tehran for 444
days. Although the Sheik had served as a
bodyguard for the shah's family, he went on
television and claimed to act on orders from
the ayatollah, mentioning specific mullahs he
regarded as mentors. Instantly he became
the most despised man in the squared circle.

It was good for business.

“Everyone hated him because of what
was going on overseas," says Orton. “Тһе
arena would go quiet sometimes because the
people were зо mad they couldn't get the.
words out. They'd have to put his match
on in the middle of the card so he wouldn't.
have to fight his way out of the building. But
he relished the heat that һе had."

"These were the innocent days of wres-
tling, when fans were not wise to the fact
that winners were predetermined. A sub-
stantial number of audience members truly
believed in—and hated—the man who came
to the ring with a flag bearing the likeness
of Ayatollah Khomeini.

At the Mid-Hudson Civic Center in
Poughkeepsie, New York, a fan dove into
the ring, knocking the Sheik to the ground.
“I go to hit the guy, and I see the Sheik get
up,” Volkoff recounts. “The Sheik was ready
to kill. So I grab the guy to save him. Man,
the Sheik kicked him in the jaw harder than
anything I've ever seen.”

Without breaking character, the Sheik
looked at security and demanded, “Now, take
this American piece of garbage and throw him
out in the street where he belong."

“Sheikie became Sheikie at some stage,”
says Bruce Prichard, an industry lifer best
remembered for his televangelist gimmick,
Brother Love. "He stopped being Khos.

The character became him. In fact, the
Iron Sheik became a caricature of the Iron
Sheik. I remember him watching the Sat-
urday morning cartoon show [Hulk Hogan's
Rock'n’ Wrestling started running on CBS in
1985], seeing the cartoon of himself on TV
and saying, ‘Yessss, look at Sheikie.””

Shortly after the Sheik locked Bob
Backlund in the camel clutch and won the
WWF championship, he received a phone
call from his old friend and AWA promoter
Verne Gagne. An athlete of the Sheik's cal-
iber did not deserve to lose his title to a
showman like Hulk Hogan, Gagne allegedly
said. Instead, Gagne purportedly offered
the Sheik $100,000 to break the Hulkster's
leg and bring the belt to the AWA.

The Sheik respected his old trainer. After
all, it was Mary Gagne who'd created the
Iron Sheik gimmick. But he felt a greater
affinity to WWF boss Vince McMahon. At
his 2005 WWE Hall of Fame induction,
the Sheik remembered his response like
this: “Maybe you think Hulk Hogan is a
jabroni Hollywood blond. But my boss,
Mr. McMahon, is not jabroni. He is the real
number one promoter in the world. God
bless his soul. I love him forever.”

On January 23, 1984, the Sheik
defended his title against Hogan in front
of a ravenous crowd at Madison Square
Garden. “The Sheik went out and put
over Hogan like a million bucks,” Prich-
ard says. “Not a lot of guys would have
done that. Sheik could have tied Hogan
up in a knot, but he didn't. He did busi-
ness. He did the right thing."
‚ports his decision. In 1991, the
AWA declared bankruptcy. The association's
video archives are now owned by the WWE.

Wrestlers still tell the story about Gagne's
attempt to derail Hulkamania. “I think the

“Do you believe in horny at first sight?”

Sheik believes it happened, and it probably
did,” Orton says. “But who knows?”

In the backroom at the Warehouse, an event
venue in Toronto's Downsview Park, Phife
Dawg, a member of the pioneering hip-hop
group A Tribe Called Quest, is reclining on
a couch when the door bursts open and the
Sheik rolls in іп а wheelchair, Phife looks up.
as a friend of the Magens sweeps in behind
the ex-wrestler and locates a tote bag con-
taining the Sheik's AAU medals.

“Okay,” the Sheik says, tapping his cane
as the medals are placed on his lap. "Let's
go.” And he's gone as quickly as he arrived.

Тһе medals are among the Sheik's most
valued possessions. He wore them while cut-
ting promos in the WWF and worries about
them obsessively. He blames this on Volkoff,
who once blurted out their room number in
a Newark hotel lobby.

“What you think happened?” the Sheik
asks disdainfully. "Some motherfucker broke
in and took everything,”

Volkoff wasn't happy his hot plate was
missing—he hates spending money in res-
taurants and would cook in the room—but
the Sheik was inconsolable.

"Sheik was maaaaaad," Volkoff says. “He
was mad. Oh my God, he was so mad, he was
crying, ‘Oh, Nikolai, they stole my medals."
I said, "What you worry about your med-
als? They took my hot plate. You can go to
any 10-cent store and buy another medal.

"That's when Volkoff realized the Sheik
traveled with his genuine medals—the AAU
later replaced them—rather than the facsim-
iles a wrestler was expected to use.

Phife Dawg wasn't allowed to watch
wrestling back then—his grandmother
was a strict Seventh-day Adventist who.
disapproved of such frivolousness—so he
had to sneak over to his friends’ homes if
he wanted to see the Iron Sheik on TV.
All these years later, he finds it difficult to
grasp that he’s at the same event as the
Sheik. But it is Jian Magen’s bachelor party.
and the Sheik’s co-manager has invited his
favorite celebrities. As a DJ tra
Justin Timberlake's "Suit $e
and Dr. Dre's "California Love,” former
major league outfielder Jose Canseco—
remembered as much for winning the
American League's most valuable player
award as for chronicling his steroid abuse
in a 2005 tell-all book—plays cards at a red-
velvet poker table.

The тегі friends monitor him closely.
"He's big,” says one.

"He's got a great tan."

For most of the night, the Sheik is sub-
dued, his replica gold belt draped over
his shoulder as he sits with the Magens’
father, Bijan, and speaks Farsi with white-
haired men. When one of the 250 guests

proaches and mentions that he’s Israeli,
the Sheik, known for his diatribes against
“cheap Jews” on The Howard Stern Show,
smiles politely.

Yet even when he does nothing, the
Sheik captivates. Dave Keystone, a veteran
of Canadian reality show The Lofters, holds a
drink while watching the Twitter sensation.
"Most of his fans today probably don't give

a shit about wrestling," Keystone says. "It's
his diction, the delivery, an old man ranting
in choppy English.”

In fact, even the two strippers hired to
lap dance in an adjoining room stick their
heads past the curtain to look at the Sheik
as he poses for a photo with an invitee who
lingers too long. Page hustles the man along.
“What, are we here to make friends?”

Тһе Magens have yet to run out of uses
for the Sheik. For the past seven years,
they've been making a documentary
about their idol, subsidized in part by an
Indiegogo campaign. Some have accused
the pair of pimping the legend, but Jian
insists, “This is a passion for us. We love
him, and he loves us.”

The bachelor party culminates with Jian
stepping into the ring for a series of com-
edy matches against local wrestlers. His
mother interferes at one point—before Jian
is thrown ringside and the Sheik places his
nephew in the camel clutch.

‘The morning after the bachelor party, the
Sheik shambles toward the kitchen
home, cla
blue cap. Grippi
he reaches foi
of steps. As Bijan pours his friend orange
juice and spreads cream cheese across а
bagel, the Sheik pulls a medal-
the WWE Hall of Fame—from
and asks me to place it around his neck.

He spots the replica championship belt
on the table. “You find the belt?”

“It was never missing,” Jian answers,
explaining that, the night before, a friend
hid it as a gag. The Sheik appears relieved.

"The Sheik takes a call from his daughter
Tanya. "When you know the guy, you real-
ize he's a loving father, grandfather, a loyal
friend, a smart, caring guy who watches
CNN and talks about the world in a seri-
ous way,” Jian says. “But you don't see that
because his verbal presence will move you
out of a room.”

Тһе twins remember when they first
became aware of the Sheik: Jian was watch-
ing wrestling, and his mother rushed into
the room, asking why the man on TV was
cursing in Farsi. When the family discov-
ered it was Khosrow Vaziri, arrangements
were made to meet him the next time he
visited Toronto.

"My mother cooked for 10 days," Page
says. “Ме picked him up from the airport.
We had a big party on the block, and the
Sheik and Nikolai came."

Although the Sheik and his
Minnesota-bred wife, Caryl, had three
daughters in the Atlanta suburbs, he rarely
brought his family to the arena, fearing
the reactions of wrestling's true believers.
In Toronto, though, he walked the Magen
boys into Maple Leaf Gardens, holding their
hands and threatening not to wrestle if secu-
rity failed to grant them access.

“Page's real name is Pejman,” Jian says.
"And Pejman and Jian were not Ryan and
Matthew. We didn't go to school with РВ] and
a juice box. We'd open our lunch box and rice
would go flying all over. But we had the Iron.
Sheik, someone to relate to, someone who got.
us not only acceptance but status.”

At one event, the Sheik sang the Iranian

national anthem—the version praising the
shah’s dynasty rather than the ayatollah.

“My dad looked over at us and said,
"Stand," Page says. “I was so sick of being
called a terrorist all the time that I put my
hand on my heart and sang along. Every-
body was booing the Sheik and booing my
family. But he represented us.”

In 1987, however, the twins were shocked
when the Sheik and his in-ring enemy, flag-
waving Hacksaw Jim Duggan, were busted
while riding together on the Garden State
Parkway. Duggan was carrying less than an
ounce of marijuana, the Sheik an eight-ball of
cocaine. Even worse to those within the wres-
tling industry, the arrest highlighted the fact
that babyfaces and heels—even those with
violently divergent political perspectives—
didn’t mind sharing a joint once in a while.

The arrest occurred as the WWE was
experiencing unprecedented visibility, less
than two months after Hogan faced Andre
the Giant at WrestleMania III in front of a
reported 93,173 spectators at the Pontiac
Silverdome. Vince McMahon vowed that
neither Hacksaw nor Sheik would ever work
for the company again.

“It was bad for me that day I travel with
Hacksaw,” the Sheik reminisces.

41 go to hit the guy, and I see
the Sheik get up. The Sheik
was ready to kill. Man, the
Sheik kicked him in the jaw
harder than anything I've

ever seen.”

McMahon eventually rescinded his pledge,
likely due to a combination of the Sheik's
loyalty to the company and McMahon's affec-
tion for the former champion. But within a
few months the Sheik's career with the WWF
was over, He bounced around smaller orga-
nizations in Houston and Dallas until, in
1996, the WWF brought in the retired ex-
champion and a now-evil Bob Backlund as
co-managers of a masked character called the
Sultan. When the Sheik failed a drug test, he
was released. Fans at small indie wrestling
shows, where his name was generally at the
top of the poster, frequently gave him drugs.
‘The Sheik’s not sure of the exact day, but he
remembers the feeling of gloom in the room
when an enthusiast first offered him crack.

“1 liked it,” he remembers.

Then, in 2003, his 27-year-old daughter
Marissa, a stunning amateur weight lifter
who contemplated following her father into
the wrestling business, was partying with her
boyfriend, Charles Reynolds, and a group of
friends in her apartment. An undercurrent
of tension plagued the gathering. Reynolds
could be controlling, the Sheik's family says,
and Marissa was thinking of leaving him.
But when the guests went home, no one was
particularly worried.

The next morning, Reynolds, 38, called
his minister. After the cleric arrived at
the couple’s apartment with two other
church members, Reynolds led them to
the bedroom, where Marissa lay in the bed,
strangled to death.

“It's my fault,” Reynolds told police,
"Take me. I've done wrong. You hear me?"

The tragedy intensified the Sheik's drug
and alcohol use. He smuggled a razor into
the courtroom during Reynolds's trial,
determined to kill the man who'd mur-
dered his daughter. In 2005 the Sheik's
family signed papers committing him to
rehab, an attempt sabotaged by a fan who
worked at the facility and smuggled in an
cight-ball of cocaine. Depressed and bitter,
the Sheik erupted from time to time; vid-
eos from this period are still viewed with
regularity on YouTube.

Much of his fury was directed at Eric
Simms, the bald, bespectacled onetime truck
driver who arranges autograph signings for
wrestling veterans. Simms has a Borat ring-
tone on his phone, squawks out unsolicited
opinions and tells jokes too schmaltzy for
the borscht belt. (“I'm bisexual,” he says at
the beginning of our interview. "I buy sex.")
But he cared about the Sheik and would
wait at parties for hours to ensure his often
belligerent charge arrived safely at the hotel.

“1 felt like leaving, but I never did,"
Simms says. “I'm a glutton for punishment.”

In 2007 Simms brought the Sheik to an
event also attended by the Ultimate War-
tior. “Evidently Warrior had put out an edict
that he didn't want to interact with any of
the boys,” Simms says. “I didn't know, so I
brought the Sheik over to take a picture with
him. Warrior says, ‘Sheik, go away. You've
been bad-mouthing me.’ The Sheik says he's
sorry, and the Warrior says, 1 don't accept
your apology.’ You tell the Sheik to fuck off,
is he going to go away? No. He's the Iron
Sheik. He starts to fire up on the Warrior,
and I see it's a bad situation. So I apologize
to the Warrior's people, and the next thing
1 know—poom!—I get a slap in the face.”

“You're a fuckin’ asshole!” the Sheik

elled. “You bring me here, he treats me
like that! That was your fuckin’ fault!”

‘The video of the altercation received
nearly a million hits. Howard Stern brought
the Sheik on his program to relive the epi-
sode and chronicle his animosity toward
other former colleagues.

Hulk Hogan earned the Sheik's ire, he
said, by refusing to assist the wrestler who
so selflessly dropped the title for him. “I'm
going to fuck him up," the Sheik announced
to Stern during one interview, "beat the fuck
out of him and suplex him, put him in the
camel clutch, break his back and fuck his ass
and make him humble."

According to Stern, that would qualify the
Sheik as gay.

“Instead I fuck his ass with my dick, I'm

nna fuck his ass with a beer bottle," the
Sheik clarified. "Yes, sir."

"Oh, that's not gay?" co-host Robin
Quivers questioned.

"Exactly. Thank you, Robin."

‘Today, the Sheik is not beyond making simi-
lar remarks. But it took his wife moving out
and his family banning him from fraternizing

PLAYBOY

140

with certain associates for the Sheik to abandon.
his most destructive vices. He still likes his cold
beer—and tweets about it often—but daims he
has resisted cocaine for more than five years.
He's now back with his wife and adored by
his grandchildren, who call him Papa Sheik.

Despite his experiences, he appears
strangely unsympathetic to public figures in
similar situations. When Toronto mayor Rob
Ford admitted sampling crack in November,
the Magens rushed their uncle to City Hall.

"What kind of role model is for Toronto
city?” the Sheik shouted to the press horde
covering the scandal. “I just want to know,
is he a real man or no?

‘The next day, the Toronto Sun splashed a
picture of the former wrestler on its front
page, and the Sheik issued the following
tweet: “Saddam Hussein dead better mayor
than Rob Ford.”

At Jian's, the Magens are helping the Sheik
compose his tweets, watching the news on
a big-screen TV and gauging his response.
Mick Jagger is 70 today,” Jian mentions.

The Sheik considers the information.
“Mick Jagger. He's singer. He's dancer. For
his job, he's in Iron Sheik's class. And he's
very popular."

Page remembers another exchange at
the beginning of the Sheik's Twitter run.
“I called him up and he said, ‘Leave me
alone. I'm watching Oprah. Fuck you. Fuck
Oprah.’ Well, Twitter's about what people
are doing, so that's what I put up."

For a while, the Sheik watches television
by himself, then drifts off to sleep on the.
couch, waking up after a few minutes to
check his medals, adjust his kafliyeh and
twirl his mustache. When he closes his eyes
again, Jian hurls a fluffy Ultimate Warrior
toy at him. The Sheik ponders it a moment,
then responds with mild annoyance. “I don't
care about that jabroni.”

“You can use it for a pillow.”

“I have a good pillow. Get out of here.”

Jian grins and throws a Hulk Hogan toy.
‘The Sheik glances at it and shrugs.

“He's okay now."

The two reconciled last spring, after
Hogan apparently admitted that, by lay-
ing down for him in the Garden, the Sheik
helped launch Hulkamania. “I kiss him,”
the Sheik remembers. "I hug him. We have
a friendship now.”

Тһе memory seems to infuse him with
an enthusiasm that carries over when the
twins put him on Skype to thank fans who
contributed to the Indiegogo fund for the
documentary. Proud and buoyant, the Sheik
holds up his belt and points at his medals,
reminding a donor in southern California
to say hello to everyone in "Tehran-geles."

The admirer tells the Sheik that he hopes
to speak with him soon on

“Inshallah,” the Sheik replies. God willing.
He raises a finger and repeats a phrase he'd
use to rile up crowds. “Iran! Number one!”
Then he improvises. “Ya Allah!” (Dear God!)
“I love you guys! Shalom!”

He gazes over at the Magens, beaming.

“You like?”
E

NICK DENTON

quiet for two years, and I barely had a
friend by about year three.

PLAYBOY: You have one sibling?

DENTON: I have a younger sister.

PLAYBOY: What were you like as a kid?
DENTON: Smart, bratty, arrogant. Compen-
sating arrogance, compensating for a bit of
insecurity. I liked hanging out with adults.
PLAYBOY: Are you more like one of your
parents than the other?

DENTON: 1 was closer to my mom. She was
social and very determined. She was a
refugee from Hungary, both she and her
mother, who'd been brought up in Vienna
in a Jewish orphanage. Both of them were
tough characters. My mom was in the Bu-
dapest ghetto during the war, and I think
she was one of those kids who had to be
stronger than the adults. The adults were
falling apart, and she basically couldn't
afford to be a kid, you know? My grand-
mother’s husband died in a labor camp,
and she survived by having lovers. I was
always more drawn to that side of the fam-
ily. I had mixed feelings about my dad. My
mother was a social organizer; I definitely
got that from her, She was always fixing
things, like arranging for people to go and
interview for jobs. She was a matchmaker.
PLAYBOY: When did you decide that Lon-
don didn’t fit your plans?

DENTON: I've been away from the U.K.,
away from London, since I was 18. I went to
Eastern Europe when I was 23. Since then
I've lived in the U.K. for maybe two years.
PLAYBOY: And you came out when you were
in college?

DENTON: After college. I mean, I wasn't fully
out until I was out to my parents. If you're
not out to your parents, then you have to
maintain this protective zone around them.
Gay guys spend a lot of time and effort com-
ing out. There's a lot of calculation. You
have to be aware about social networks and.
who's how many degrees away from some-
body else, and you have to be aware of the
speed with which gossip will be transmit-
ted. You have to maintain a proper buffer
around the people you're trying to protect.
PLAYBOY: Is that what got you interested in
the mechanics of gossip?

DENTON: It's possible. It's a hypothesis.
PLAYBOY: So when were you fully out?
DENTON: With friends, probably in my
late 20s. In Budapest I wasn't out. I was in
Budapest from 23 to 28, and it's a pretty
homophobic place.

PLAYBOY: When you eventually came out to
your parents, was there any family strife?
DENTON: There was a lot of family drama.
Тһе thing that was sad was my mom be-
came sick with cancer very soon after, so
everything stopped. Everything was fro-
zen, unresolved. No one wanted to upset
her. That was a miserable period. 1 was on
the West Coast. I'm kind of amazed I ac-
tually managed to come through that. My
mom was sick, and we knew she was dying.
She had two years from diagnosis to death,
and I was in San Francisco. I flew back
once a month. It was tough on my mom

because my sister and my dad both shut
down. That's what they did. My mom was
super strong. I never saw her cry. 1 saw her
cry at other times, but not through that.
She would say, "I'm not afraid."

PLAYBOY: Is it safe to assume that was the
worst period of your life?

DENTON: Yeah, and I was out of my depth
doing two start-ups, First Tuesday and
Moreover.

PLAYBOY: You did those at the same time?
DENTON: Yeah. I started First Tuesday
while we were working on Moreover be-
cause the coding was going on and I didn't
really have enough to do during that. It
was wildly overhyped. At one point they
thought it was going to be a billion-dollar
company. This was even after the Nasdaq
had crashed.

PLAYBOY: How much did you sell it for?
DENTON: The nominal price was $60 mil-
lion, I think. The cash component was less.
The stock turned out to be worthless.
PLAYBOY: For something that
basically —

DENTON: A party. But cool people went to
the parties. If you were in the venture mar-
ket at the time, if you had a cool start-up or
were a cool venture capitalist, you had to
be there. At some point it got so big there
would be 2,000 people and four or five TV
cameras at the events. It was crazy. And 1
saw what happened. You get what you de-
serve, you know? In press coverage and at-
tention, whatever you get undeservedly on
the way up, you will pay a price for. If they
put you on the front cover before you've
actually done anything, they will pull you
down as brutally as they were enthusiastic
in pushing you up. There’s a kind of karma
that obtains in media coverage.

PLAYBOY: What's your relationship to mon-
еу? What does it mean to you?

DENTON: Mainly it gives me the joy of be-
ing free. It gives me the freedom I always
wanted. Everything I am is a result of not
caring about social convention and not
having to worry about money. I can say
whatever I want. The times I'm holding
back in this conversation are only to protect
other people’s feelings. And not even that
much. But you only have that kind of free-
dom, and our writers only really have that
freedom—in theory—if they actually have
the economic circumstances to allow that.
PLAYBOY: People have crazy ideas about
what enough money is, though.

DENTON: Well, we have to be profitable,
and I get paid a decent salary now. It's
very recent. For a long time I was taking
$60,000 a year.

PLAYBOY: Until how recently?

DENTON: Until two years ago.

PLAYBOY: Gawker is famous for popularizing
the ultra-low-wage model for journalism,
paying writers as little as $12 per article for
the first couple of years.

DENTON: That reputation has haunted
me. At the very beginning there was no
revenue, no advertising. This was basi-
cally money out of my pocket. So I would
do a simple calculation. 1 would take the
amount of money I had and divide it by
costs, and 1 could keep going for 10 years.
1 didn't need to make any money for 10

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PLAYBOY

142

years. Remember, when we started in 2002
there was nothing going on. People had
written off the internet at that point. It was
such a cataclysmic collapse.

PLAYBOY: At what point did you become
confident Gawker was a real company, a
real business that was going to make you a
fair amount of money?

DENTON: I resisted that. I never thought,
"This is going to make me a fair amount of
money. I think at some point I realized,
Oh, this can pay for itself.

PLAYBOY: How long will you keep running
your current company before seeking what
venture capitalists call a “liquidity event"?
DENTON: Oh, this one’s long. How long was
Steve Jobs thinking about smartphones
before he actually launched one? Twenty
years? Twenty years waiting and waiting
and waiting. It's like the enemy is advanc-
ing, the guns are loaded, but the time's not
right yet. I think that’s what truly great
leaders do. They marshal their resources,
they train their troops and make sure
they're well supplied, and then they wait
for the right moment.

PLAYBOY: Who are the great leaders in
technology now that Jobs is gone?
DENTON: There are some exceptional peo-
ple. Evan Williams is an exceptional person.
He doesn't present well, but he has an idea
that is pretty much the same idea he's re-
peated again and again with Blogger, Ti
ter and Medium, only with different wrin-
kles. He's been the most influential person.
in web publishing, but I don't think he's
ever done anything cheaply or cynically. He
deserves the success. There's nothing more

to him. He's just a believer in simple, awe-
some tools that help people communicate.
PLAYBOY: Who else?

DENTON: Marc Andreessen is obviously
extremely smart and bold. I admire the
fact that he's all-in on this bet that the
internet is changing everything, every
industry. He's an absolute extremist, but
actually that's a rational position to take.
[Venture capitalist] Fred Wilson is smart
and nice and probably in a position to
be more truthfal than any of the others.
And Mark Zuckerberg, obviously: canny,
determined, has retained enough power
at Facebook. He's going to have another
20, 30, 40 years of being productive, be-
ing in charge of the company and being
able to do things.

PLAYBOY: Now that you've become part of
the establishment, do you feel more зут-
pathy for Gawker's targets?

DENTON: I don't feel like part of the estab-
lishment, I don't even know whether there
is an establishment. From up close, the
establishment isn't up to much. Celeb-
rity was a better deal 50 years ago. There
was a time, as long as you weren't having
orgies—or as long as you were discreet
about your orgies—and as long as you
weren't a Communist, you were probably
fine, You'd be lionized and could get all the
pussy you wanted.

PLAYBOY: Speaking of the establishment,
what will The New York Times look like in
10 years? Will it exist? Will the Sulzberger

DENTON: The New York Times will exist.

“You knew I was a people person when you married me.”

‘Someone else will own it. Most families, th
more generations they are from the ori;
nal founder, the more fragmented the ows
ership, and eventually the nephews, grand-
nieces and great-great-grandchildren want
their money now. They'd rather take the
purchase price than zero dividends, I think
the Times has bottomed out, and now, even
though the signs are mixed, it will be able
to put on more in digital revenue than it
loses in print. Or I hope so, because I like
the Times. There should be at least one or
two survivors. Even when a major disaster
kills most life on earth, usually a few spe-
cies survive. Dinosaurs survived and be-
came birds. Maybe that's the future of The
New York Times: It will be the survivor of the
dinosaurs, the little tweeting thing you see
flying around.
PLAYBOY: If you're Jeff Bezos, what do you.
do with The Washington Post?
DENTON: Obviously you apply the Amazon
recommendation engine. The interesting
move would be to see whether you could
take an entire newspaper-reading popula-
tion and wean them off print. The price of
Kindles is coming down. How much would
it cost to bundle a Kindle with your sub-
scription to The Washington Post? Discon
ue the print and, as a gift, give everybody
a Washington Post reader that can also buy
books for them. That's what I'd do. That's
what Bezos would do if he were ballsy.
PLAYBOY: Do you know him at all?
DENTON: No, though I had a dream that he
had acquired us.
PLAYBOY: What would you do if you picked.
up the phone and he was on the other end,
saying he wanted to buy Gawker Media?
DENTON: Amazon's the only company.
Well, I also like the idea of News Corp.
Buccaneering was а word I always liked to
describe Gawker Media.
PLAYBOY: Rupert Murdoch had the same
notions about News Corp, to the point that
he reportedly considered adopting a pirate
ship as the company’s logo. Do you feel a
kinship with Murdoch?
DENTON: That sounds arrogant. I think
he’s done four amazing things, and most
people get only one: Fox Network, Fox
News, satellite ТУ in the U.K. and break-
ing the print unions. He saved Fleet Street.
He saved London's newspaper industry.
PLAYBOY: What about Tina Brown? Is she
done? Have we seen the last of her?
DENTON: I don't know about that. She has
a tough rap. Was her Newsweek really that
bad? Her biggest problem has been that
she was dependent on the goodwill of
media proprictors—Si Newhouse, Harvey
nd then Barry Diller. And
prietor, particularly a late-
era media proprietor, is a fundamentally
dysfunctional businessman. There was a
time when media made money and rational
businesspeople would go into it. In an era
when media basically doesn't make money,
the only businessman who would go into
it would be some kind of egomaniac, like
me. [laughs] If I were truly into the money,
I'd be in waste disposal or something
like that. I'd be in some unglamorous
profession. Media is way overpopulated.
So she’s dependent on the goodwill and

the external financial resources of these
erratic, aging proprietors.

PLAYBOY: You didn't always plan to be a
media proprietor. You had notions of en-
tering politics at one point.

DENTON: As a 16-year-old political nerd
I wrangled myself a research position for
the Social Democratic Party, which was
a Labour splinter party. I quickly recog-
nized that I wouldn't be electable. After
that I wanted to be one of those shadow),
behind-the-scenes operatives, like a Lee
Atwater or a Karl Rove.

PLAYBOY: It's easy to picture you as a pretty
good Karl Rove.

DENTON: Oh, I'd be very good. I'd be зо
good! [laughs] Га fight dirty in the interest
of good causes. 1 almost had a whole cam-
paign for a gas tax. Syphilitic Saudi sheiks,
American women despoiled—basically
taking our money from the gas station to
fund their debauched sex lives, their de-
spoiling of our women and terrorist attacks
against our country. I don’t frame it as an
environmental cause. You've won the envi-
ronmentalists already. You're trying to win
the swing voters, the kind of people who
don't like our money going to our enemies.
So you make the campaign about that. No
environmentalists—they re way too prissy
to want to win. That's what I hate about lib-
erals in this country. I hate them so much.
PLAYBOY: You do? You hate them?
DENTON: I hate liberals in this country so
much because they're so fucking prissy.
Did you ever see that documentary about
Lee Atwater, Boogie Man? Lee Atwater was a
terrible man. The Will ign
is a stain on the Republican Party, on the
Bush family—tet that all be stipulated. But
you see in this movie that he has such joy in
the battle, in the struggle, in the game, you
know? Hi
with Michael Dukakis 20 years later, and
Dukakis still cannot understand what hap-
pened. He still doesn't know how he got
beat. This whiny, prissy—who would you
want to work with? Who would you want
to have beside you in the foxhole? Atwater
is way more fun, probably a way better col-
league, with way more appetite to win.
PLAYBOY: Isn't that a stereotype, the wimpy
liberal? What about Barack Obama and his
gang of tough Chicago politicos?

DENTON: In his own slightly bloodless way,
he has competitive people. Obama him-
self is pretty competitive, and there are
different ways of playing the game, right?
It doesn't all need to be dirty South Caro-
lina politics. That said, my political hero
is Lyndon Johnson. I love people who are
prepared to do what it takes, who aren't
squeamish. If you want to stay pure, never
break a story and never fuck anyone.
PLAYBOY: You got engaged recently. Have
you always wanted to get married
DENTON: No. My personal narrative was that
1 didn't want to get married in general; I
just wanted to get married to Derrence. I'm
marrying an individual. Pm not endorsing
an institution. But two years ago, we had a
party to benefit gay marriage—1 think it was
right around the date when it passed in New
York—and apparently I said there that I
wanted to get married because gay relation-

ships ended too easily. I hadn't remembered.
saying that; someone reminded me recently.
[laughs] 1 was just coming off a breakup that
had taken all of three days to implement—no
kids, no jobs, no pets, no nothing. Relation-
ships are hard enough and likely enough to
fray, so one needs some kind of glue, some
ritual in front of friends and family and the
state to ensure that а least there's a cooling-
off period before you actually break up.
PLAYBOY: Is that part of why you want to
get married now?

DENTON: No. It's that this is as good as it's
going to get. Isn't that the key? It doesn't
sound very romantic, but when I saw my
apartment, I knew it was much better than
anything else. It was maybe 30 percent
more than I wanted to pay, but it was 200
percent better than anything else I'd seen.
1 had to contain the expression on my face,
because what I was thinking was, Yes, this
is the one. That's how I felt with Derrence.
PLAYBOY: That's not a very romantic
metaphor.

DENTON: I think it's actually a very real
metaphor when you're with somebody in a
better relationship than you ever expected.
or hoped for in your life and by far better
than anything you could ever imagine with
anybody else. Yeah, hypothetically, theo-
retically, there might be somebody

there for me, but I don't have 100 lifetimes
to go find him. So this is the best person I
could be with in this lifetime.

PLAYBOY: How did you meet?

DENTON: How did we meet? [laughs]
PLAYBOY: Yes.

DENTON: [Laughs] I think you can say on
the record that I knew his bo;

PLAYBOY: The New York Post's gossip column
reported at the time that the boyfriend
you're referring to threw a brick through
your window.

DENTON: It was a stone, not a brick. I actu-
ally gave them the whole backstory. I knew
they couldn't do anything with it.

PLAYBOY: Why couldn't they?

DENTON: Too complicated. The main-
stream press doesn't really want gay gos-
sip. They can't even deal with closet cases.
It's a mixture of lingering distaste for the
homosexual act and a modern version of
correctness. They don't even know wheth-
er outings are politically correct or not. So
they're completely paralyzed. They do not
know how to deal with gay guys. They're
just about getting to be able to deal with,
say, a gay engagement being news. But the
true pansexual messiness of most gay sex-
ual histories is not something they or their
readers are ready for.

PLAYBOY: Which is funny, because “pansex-
ual messiness” sounds more interesting than
most of what you read in the gossip pages.
DENTON: Well, I think everybody is more
interesting than how they're portrayed.
PLAYBOY. Do you ever have misgivings
about exposing people's private lives, their
sex lives?

DENTON: If there's a gap between your pri-
vate behavior and your public status, that's
what makes the story for us. To my mind,
the only real modern sin is hypocrisy.

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PLAYBOY

TEA CEREMONY

(continued from page 83)
1 have never been in this place before," "Jack
says. "Nor will I ever be in this place again

“Td never be able to find this place again
if I wanted to."

"How about by smell?"

‘They sit at the table farthest from the
counter and wedge their chairs together
to study the plastic menu. Gwen opens
her Goodwill fur coat and Jack unbuttons
his Levi's jacket, but like the people at the.
counter, they keep their coats on. An over-
weight vaitress in a food-stained white uni-
form, her face ruddy with the broken capil-
laries of a drinker, shuffles over on swollen
legs to take their order. The waitress waits,
regarding them through eyes outlined in
tarry mascara. Sandra is stitched іп red on
her uniform above the дгоор of her con-
siderable bosom.

“You kids need more time?”

“I think ГИ have hot tea instead of coffee,”

Gwen tells Jack. “Gan I just get a tea?” she
asks the waitress.
ire can, hon," Sandra says.
а sounds right for the weather," Jack.
says. "This may be another first. I don't
think I ever ordered tea in a restaurant."
"What about a Chinese restaurant?"
Gwen asks.
"That doesn't count,
don' order. It just comes.
“So, two teas?” the waitress asks.
“Two hot teas.
“That it? Nothing to eat?”
“Crumpets, maybe," Jack says. “Do you
have crumpets?”
The waitress isn't amused.
“Just the tea, please,” Gwen tells her.
*You got it, hon,” the waitress says and
writes the order down on her pad. “You
want cream or lemon?"
“Lemon,” Gwen says.
lemon.”
“Lemon for me too,” Jack says.
The waitress writes it down.
"How about some honey?" the waitress
asks her. “We got these little breakfast

” Jack says. "You

"I'd love some

“I think I love you, Vivien. I just need to check with my publicist first.”

honeys for toast I could bring you."

"Thank you so much," Gwen says, smil-
ing at Sandra, "just lemon's fine."

"She an old friend of yours, hon, a long-
lost aunt or maybe fairy godmother?" Jack

ks after the waitress shuffles off.
he’s just being nice. She seems lonely.
She’s probably the only woman in here
most of the time. Maybe I remind her of
someone.”

“Remind her of who?”

How should 1 know? A daughter she
never had. Or one she did, a love child who
ran away from home and every time the
door here opens Sandra thinks it might Бе
her prodigal finally coming back.

"That would explain why she doesn't
consider me a worthy escort. You notice
the evil eye I was gettin;

“Maybe she could see I'd been crying.
you tell?”
fou look like you just came in from
the cold.”

Gwen polishes a teaspoon with a paper
napkin and examines her reflection in the
concave finish. "My eyes are puffy,” she say

Jack takes the spoon from her, brings it
to his lips as if it’s brimming with steaming
soup and sips, “I even love the taste of your
reflection,” he says, dropping his voice. “I
lick it off mirrors.”

‘A little over-the-top but better. You're
making a comeback,” Gwen says and takes
his hand and slides it into the pocket of
her fur coat. The pocket has a hole in it
and Jack can reach through the pocket and
then through the torn lining of the coat to
brush his fingers along Gwen's right breast.

“Oh-oh,” Jack says, “this is how it started
movie.”
od, I was so close too,” she says. “I
blame it on that old, atmospheric theater
and its velvet seats and winking starry sky.
Like we'd entered a time machine to get
there, the way the movies used to be. I al-
ways envied those generations that grew up
making out at drive-ins instead of ordering
Netflix. I wanted us to come together while
Fred and Ginger were dancing.”

“Foreplay interruptus,” Jack says.
*We're both probably suffering from post-
traumatic sex disruption. No wonder you
got upset about a heart on a car window."

“It wasn't just a car. It was a vintage Jag-
uar. That was the point—a beautiful, sleek
green Jag inscribed with a heart. Tomor-
row morning some lonely venture capital-
ist is going to come out and find that heart
on his car and see only my initials in it
‘cause you were freezing and couldn't wait
around. He'll think it was a message for
him and inscribe his initials where yours
were supposed to be, and then he'll slowly
cruise through the city, hoping for GL,
whoever she is, to wave as he goes by.”

Sandra brings a plastic tray to their table.
Arranged on the tray are two small metal
pots filled with steaming water and two
thick, white, chipped cups on matching
chipped saucers. There are two Salada tea
packets on a separate plate, two spoons and
a little white bowl of lemon wedges. She
carefully transfers each item to their table,
setting a cup, pot and spoon before each
of them, and the bowl of lemon wedges in

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PLAYBOY

146

the middle. She opens each tea packet and
places a tea bag in each cup and then from
her apron pocket produces two small con-
tainers of honey.

“Anything more I can get you?” Sandra
asks.

“This is wonderful,” Gwen says. “I wasnt
expecting a tea ceremony when I ordered."

Sandra smiles, pleased. “It's just tea
bags," she says. "My mother reaily knew
how to brew tea—real loose tea from India
in a little silver ball with a chain. She'd read
the leaves."

"Really!" Gwen says. “1 always wanted to
see someone do that. My mother told me
my nonna Marie used to read the cards. Not
tarot, just regular playing cards. The fam.
ily story is that it was the cards that told my
grandmother her future was in America.

“1 read the cards," Sandra says. "It's іп
my family. All the women can do it. My sis-
ter Пепе can read eggs. Don't laugh," she
says to Jack. "It's true. I read palms."

"Who taught you," Gwen asks, "or did
you just, like, know how?"

“Му mother taught me. She taught me
what I already knew but didn't have the
confidence yet to do. I can show you,”
Sandra says and sits down at their table.
She extends her hand toward Gwen, and
Gwen releases Jack's hand in the pocket of
her fur coat and gives her hand to Sandra.

“It's amazing what we're born knowing
if someone just shows us,” Gwen says.

“Yeah, and amazing what we think we
know when what we know is nothing,”
Sandra says. “You have a warm, lovely hand,
hon." She turns Gwen's hand palm up and
lightly traces the lines with her crooked fore-
finger, studying them and then looking up at
Gwen, who meets Sandra's eyes and smiles.

But Sandra doesn't smile back.

"Yowre laughing on the outside, but
your heart is crying," Sandra says.

Jack feels caught off guard. Не notices
Gwen flinch and instinctively draw back,
but Sandra grips her wrist. Gwen closes
her hand and Sandra gently pries it back
open and studies it again. “You two, you're
the wrong chemicals to mix,” she says and
shakes her head disapprovingly.

“Pardon?” Gwen says.

“Not a good fit, no balance. Don't go
near the ledge together,” Sandra says
and pushes herself up as if she's suddenly
weary, then shuffles away.

"Mondo weirdo," Jack says. " There goes
her tip. I think we just experienced the
Gypsy tea ceremony. That line about cry-
ing in your heart sounds like it comes out.
of Fortune-Telling for Dummies."

He pours hot water over his tea bag; the
water in the cup turns tannic.

“My great-aunt Lucile used to look like
she was reading tea bags," he tells Gwen.
“She'd put hot tea bags on her eyes when
she had a migraine. She could tell the fu-
ture from the spatters of bacon fat too, and.
forecast winners at the track from feeling
the fuzz on a raspberry.”

He sips his tea. The water that appeared
to be hot is tepid.

Gwen reaches for the glass shaker of
sugar that's beside the napkin dispenser
along with a squeeze bottle of mustard and
a bottle of ketchup missing its cap.

“Did you and your friends ever fill the
sugar container with salt when you were in
high school?” Jack asks.

"What a callow, guy thing to do," Gwen
says. She stops before pouring sugar in
her cup and instead touches the tip of her
index finger to the sugar spout and then
extends the sugary finger toward Jack.

“Of course, these profit projections are based on the assumption that
we're not found out.”

“Taste. Some gang of knuckleheads like
your high school homeys might have been
messing around here.”

“It's sweet," Jack says. He licks the grains
from her fingertips, then spreads her mid-
dle and forefinger as if spreading her legs
and runs his tongue down the side of her
forefinger to the webbing and laps her
there. She takes his hand, sprinkles sugar
on his forefinger, guides it to her lips and
sucks it. He closes his eyes.

“Did you like it in the movie theater?”
Gwen asks.

“Loved it. I'm sorry we got kicked out
into the cold before we ever saw if while I
was getting a blow job Fred at least gets to
kiss Ginger.”

“What if entering that old theater was
going back in the past, and because we
got kicked out instead of staying until it
was over and returning to the present, we
got kicked out into the past? I mean, look
at this place.” Gwen releases his hand and
bobs her tea bag in the cup. The string
slips from the staple that attaches the bag
to the Salada label, and she spoons the tea
bag out and presses it to her eye. “Oooh,
that feels good. Great-aunt Lucy was onto
something.” Gwen places the tea bag on her
saucer and then sprinkles sugar on the lem-
on wedges in the bowl. “I like sour tastes. I
used to suck lemons even when I was a little
kid. My friends all thought I was crazy. I like
how clean they make my mouth feel.” She
sucks at a lemon wedge and then inserts the
wedge into her mouth and retracts her lips,
giving Jack a lemon-peel smile.

He peels open a honey, dabs outa finger-
tip of honey, outlines her lips and kisses her.
She still has the lemon wedge in her mouth
and it blocks the probing of his tongue. Her
kiss tastes of lemon oil. He dabs his forefin-
ger in the honey again and then slips his
hand beneath the table and carefully slides
it between the folds of her fur coat and up
under her heathery woolen skirt. When he
reaches her thighs, her legs part. She looks
at him and narrows her eyes. There's the
tink of her spoon as her right hand absently
stirs her tea. The lemon peel smiles at him.
from between her lips. The radiant warmth
of her body defies the grains of ice slashing
through the dark trees that line the curb,
the slect ticking against the pinkish plate-
glass window and pocking the film of snow
on the windshields of parked cars. No way
would that heart on the Jag survive until
morning. She slouches down in her chair,
pressing his sticky fingertip against her
panties and then past the elastic so that the
honey mixes with her slickness. They may
have entered the past, but for this moment
there’s only the present between them.

From behind the counter, Sandra locks
them in a nonstop stare.

With his free hand, Jack raises his tea-
cup to his lips. Gwen's eyes are closed, she's
breathing heavier, her nostrils flared and
her mouth parted, revealing lemon yellow.
When she slides toward his finger so that
it enters deeper, he whispers, “Sweetheart,
you have to at least make like you're sip-

ping your tea.”

PRESCRIPTION

(continued from page 64)
everyone in the county heard about it.

A few months later I received a slew
of e-mails, Facebook messages and calls
in McDowell County. All of
ically the same thing: I read
your article. You should know what really
happened with Tom and John Hatcher.

Here's what happened: John didn't
die; Mayor Tom Hatcher did. And two
days later, his daughter-in-law, Becky, was
charged with his murder.

.
War can be a pretty place. The mountains
are thick with tre: and in the fall they
erupt with splashes of yellow, red and or-
ange. Most of the land is wild and barely
populated. But you feel confined nonethe-
less, alvays hemmed in by mountains. It's
a chore to get to McDowell County and no
less of one to leave it.

Тһе McDowell County that Tom Hatcher
grew up in in the 1940s and 1950s was very
different from today's. The coal industry
was booming then. War had movie the-
aters, restaurants, stores and a sweet shop.
"You couldn't drive into town when the
Creek High football team was playi
calls lifelong resident Patty Hawki
jack then, War was a nice little town,”
said Tom's sister, Jerry Lynn Roncella, a
no-nonsense high school teacher. She was
ring a lavender hoodie and purple
glasses and chain-smoking as we talked at
the kitchen table in Tom's house, just out-
side the center of town, shortly after his
death. She was still clearing out the place;
it was cluttered with cleaning supplies and
Hefty bags half filled with Tom's posses-

s. "When we were growing up, anybody
ink was looked down on,” said Ron-
cella. “And there certainly were no drugs.”

‘Tom went to West Virginia University to
getbachelor’sand master's degrees and later
added a Ph. education. Along the way
he got married. The couple adopted three
babies through the local Catholic diocese—
two girls and John, the youngest. They soon
divorced, though. The girls wound up with
their mother, and John with Tom.

‘Tom took a job with a nonprofit orga-
nization that brings students and profe:
sionals from around the world to the U
for cultural exchanges. The job eventually
landed Tom and John in Washington, D.C.
As John moved into a troubled adoles-
сепсе, Tom decided the big city wasn't the
place for them. In 1991 he moved back to
War with his 16-year-old son.

By then McDowell County was skidding
downhill. The coal mines had either closed
or been mechanized, and most of the min-
ers and their families had moved on. In
1950, when Tom was a boy, nearly 100,000
people lived in the county. He came back to
find two thirds of them gon

Things have gotten worse. War has
shrunk to around 1,000 people, one quar-
ter of its peak. The few blocks of low brick
buildings that compose War's downtown
are a glum procession of empty store-
fronts, broken windows and caved-in roofs,

interspersed with a handful of surviving
businesses—including no fewer than three
pharmacies. On a window of the War Hotel,
the town flophouse, the owners have taped
a handwritten sign: хо ALCOHOL OR DRUGS
ALLOWED IN THE BUILDING OF ANY KIND. ALL
WHO GET COUGHT [sic] WILL co TO JAIL.

"Today, McDowell County is at the bottom
of the heap by just about every measure of
misery and dysfunction. One third of its in-
habitants live below the poverty line. Bare-
ly six percent have college degrees. Life ex-
pectancy is among the lowest in the nation,
‘The county also has the state's highest rates
of teen pregnancy and child abuse.

‘Tom did everything he could to bolster
the place and its people. “When our dad
was in the state senate, people would come
to our house at all hours, asking for help,”
recalls Tom's brother, James Hatcher. "Tom
had that same commitment. When he came
back to War and saw how bad things were,
he wanted tohelp.” Tom was active with just
about every civic organization within miles,
from the Catholic church to the Kiwanis
b and the county historical society. Не
was elected mayor in 1997 and campaigned
to get War a wastewater-treatment pla
playground and a drug-treatment facility.
He also taught at Big Creek High and gave
extra tutoring to his students, “I was just a
little holler girl everyone figured was going
to be a housewife,” says Tonya Hagerman,
а sharp-faced, cheery young woman. “But
Tom saw something else. I'd go to his house
g and he'd teach me English."

fault she wound up back in War, where she
slipped into а years-long addiction to pills.

"Tom was candid about his town's trou-
bles when we met, but he also wanted to

“Поуе

it here. There's beautiful scenery
' he told me. "In spite of i
about this communi

E
When John arrived at Big Creek High as
a teenager, he quickly fell in with the ston-
ersand troublemakers. “I never even knew
what drugs was till I got here to War,” John
told me. "It didn't take but a week alter 1
got here and it was pills and pot

John was moving through high school
just as the epidemic of painkiller abuse was
spreading across the nation. Through the
1990s, regulations controlling such opiates
were relaxed, making it much easier to get
a prescription. OxyContin, a powerful nar-
cotic later to become famous as "hillbilly
heroin," hit the market in 1995. Меап-
while, the FDA cleared the way for phar-
maceutical companies to advertise pills on
ТУ and lio, something almost no other
country allows. The industry now spends
about $3.5 billion every year on ads and.
promotes its products heavily to doctors.
The results have been eye-popping: The
number of prescriptions written for opioid
painkillers shot from 76 million in 1991 to
219 million in 2011. Narcotic painkillers are
now the most-prescribed drugs in the na-
tion, with sales topping $8 billion annually.
Today, according to the Centers for Disease

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Control, 12 million Americans use prescrip-
tion painkillers for nonmedical purposes.

Educational campaigns and legal crack-
downs galore have been launched in re-
sponse. The drug industry has been called.
to account. In 2007 a federal court ordered.
Purdue Pharma, which makes OxyContin,
to pay $600 million in fines for encourag-
ing doctors to overprescribe the drug and
for deceiving the public by downplay-
ing the risks it poses. The following year
Cephalon paid $425 million to settle a fed-
eral investigation into its marketing of a
fentanyl-based painkiller. West Virginia is
currently suing 14 drug distributors that it
alleges have fed illegal painkiller use. “The
worst drug dealers are the pharmaceutical
companies,” says McDowell County district
attorney Ed Kornish. “We basically deal
with their victims.”

Due in part to the high injury rate in
coal mining, West Virginians are prescribed
more drugs per capita than residents of any
other state. Combine all those pills with job-
lessness and poverty, and you get carnage.
Pills spread like a virus from one carrier to
the next. Tom kept a list of all the residents
of War and its environs killed by drug over-
doses. Нед tallied dozens in just a few years.

“Just about everyone I used to party with
is dead,” says Hagerman, "We're talking
about whole families disappearing.”

‘The next time 1 saw John was through a
thick glass partition inside a state prison.
He was locked up in 2012 for forging
checks on his father's account. His hair
was shaved to stubble, his biceps defined
from doing 400 push-ups a day; a fresh
homemade tattoo of the word war was on
his wrist. Despite the tough-guy trappings,
he was a welter of misery and confusion,
desperately struggling to figure out what

to believe about Becky and choking back
tears every time his son’s name came up.

“Dope has ruined my life. It put me in
here, cost my dad his life, ruined my mar-
riage of 14 years, and my son doesn't have
a father or mother,” he said. “I don’t know
how much worse it can get.”

John was 23 when he started dating
Becky Click, a sweet, studious 17-year-old.
“Becky was head over heels in love with
him," recalls Becky's sister Laura Click.
“John had long curly hair then, and she
thought he was Prince Charming.” A prince
with a well-known pill habit. In fact, John
gave Laura the first of the painkillers she
wound up becoming addicted to. But at the
time, Becky wasn't interested. "I could bare-
ly get her to smoke a joint,” John told me.
They were married the next year in War's
tiny Catholic church, For their honeymoon
John took her to a Ramada Inn in a town an
hour away. Jonathen was born a year later.
Nothing too strange about that by local
standards—Becky's mother had her at 15.

Things went all right for the first few
years. The family moved into an apartment
in town. Becky went to nursing school while
John worked on and off and took care of
‘Jonathen. They had another baby, Ethan, in
2004. John was spending a lot of time party-
ing with friends or just lying around wasted,
but it was all more or less manageable.

That changed one day in May 2005
when Becky was at her mother's place in
Grundy, Virginia, about an hour from War.
Becky lay down on the couch with baby
Ethan for a nap. When she woke up, the
infant wasn't breathing.

Some people suggest Becky was stoned
on pills and accidentally smothered her
baby. No way, says John. “Even if she did do
this to Dad, she'd never do that to Ethan,"
he told me. "She was too good a mother. She
wouldn't even let me smoke around him."

"Tell me, when exactly did we go from being a lost Amazon tribe to

a spring bre:

destination?"

His son's death caved John's head in. “Af
ter we buried Ethan, I really didn't give a shit.
about life anymore," he said. "I got high as
hell on Xanax for three days. 1 was zombied
out right through the wake and the funeral."

Pills took over John's life after that.
He'd show up staggering at Jonathen's
ball games. Becky would come home to
find he'd sold off the dishes, the couch, the
rugs, anything he could get a few bucks
for. Once, the local cops found him passed
out on the street, naked. Becky even left
him briefly after he sold a PlayStation she'd
bought Jonathen for his birthday.

Becky, of course, was also shattered. “I
was worried to death she'd kill herself,”
says Laura Click. “She didn’t want Jona-
then out of her sight after that.”

Somewhere along the line Becky started
taking pills too. She went through a string
of jobs at a hospital, an old-age home and
a pharmacy in nearby towns. Sometimes
she and John would make runs to Florida,
home to a thriving industry of "pain clin-
ics" that hand out pills. They'd Виа bunch
of different doctors and come home with
enough OxyContin and Roxicet to party
for weeks and sell the extras.

But most of the time they were broke.
Тот tried to help. "He'd set them up with
an apartment, but they'd get evicted every
time,” said Roncella. “Both of them are зог-
rier than owl manure. They wouldn't work
in a pie factory." Eventually Tom wound up
taking in all three of them, Before long, his
china, silverware and high school gradua-
tion ring had disappeared.

By 2011 John and Becky were dragging
Тот down with them. In February, Becky
was arrested for stealing $125 of church
money from Tom's car. She was fined and
ordered into six months of drug and alco-
hol counseling, which she didn't complete.
In April, John went crazy one day, throw-
ing stuffaround the house and threatening
Tom, who was scared enough to call a cop
to the house.

Tom paid for John to take one rehab
treatment after another, including a stint
in a residential program in Arizona. Tom
wasn't a wealthy man, and supporting his
son's family was slowly bankrupting him.
He had to take a second job teaching in
War's elementary school.

That's about when I showed up. The
day after we'd met in his office, Tom took
me out to breakfast at one of the few open.
businesses on Main Street, a tiny diner
decorated with faded pictures of John F.
Kennedy. Proprietress Orbie Campbell, still
sparky at 77, shuffled out with two plates of
eggs and bacon on biscuits without being
asked; Tom had eaten there every day for
years. “Гуе threatened many times 10 put
John out," Tom told me, "but that would be
punishing my grandson."

“If it all leads to John's death, ГЇЇ
grieve,” he said. “But I don't think I have
any control."

John kept getting worse. A month after
my visit, Tom again had to call the police to
his housc. This time John had a knifc and
was ranting about burning the place down.
Then in December he was convicted of
forging checks from Tom's account. Tom,

at the end of his rope, had finally pressed
charges. But later, ever hopeful, he sent.
the judge a letter asking him to consider
probation. "John, I feel, has learned his les-
son,” Tom wrote. “Of course, I have said
this before and was wrong."

Becky was out of work again by the time
John was locked up. She started spending a
lot of time in the "casino" that had opened
on Main Street, a single crepuscular room
curtained off from the street that houses а
few video poker machines and a counter
selling cigarettes and beer.

Roncella suggested Tom try to get custo-
dy of Jonathen. She had done that with her
granddaughters after her son died of an
overdose. "He said he wasn't sure he could
take care of Jonathen by himself,” Roncella
told те. And there was another issue: “Не
told me Becky had told him she'd kill him.
if he took Jonathen away.” Tom's longtime
friend and co-worker Kitten Cempela says
Тот also told her about these threats.

So by June 2012 things were tense be-
tween Tom and Becky. That's when Becky's
brother Earl Click came home from prison.

Earl is only five-foot-three and 120
pounds but plenty of trouble. As a kid he
was so hyperactive he was put on Adderall.
By the age of 15 he had pretty much given
up on school in favor of smoking weed and
popping pills. Like his sister Laura, he was
introduced to painkillers by John Hatcher.

How Earl got locked up in the first place
is illuminating. On his 18th birthday he жаз
partying on Xanax with a bunch of friends.
Literally hours after he had become eligible
to be tried as an adult, he and a buddy went
into town, sneaked around the back of a
pharmacy on Main Street and smashed a
window. They climbed in and set about try-
ing to get into the pill-storage area. By the
time the cops arrived all the pair had man-
aged to gather was a bunch of cigarettes.

‘The police took Earl to City Най and
called Tom, who had helped get Earl out
of minor legal scrapes before. Earl was so
wasted Tom had to slap him to keep him
from nodding out. He was soon taken to
the hospital to be treated for an overdose.

A few months later, while he was await-
ing trial, Earl was at Becky's and got crazy
on Xanax again. He took a swing at her,
screaming that he was going to kill her and
her unborn child. Becky ran out and came

AND BEGGED A
RIDE OTHE BUS.
STATION.

back with a cop. Earl socked the cop in the
chest, yelling, “I'll fucking ki

declined to press charges, but it didn’t much
matter. Earl was convicted of the break-in
and sent to a rehabilitative facility for young
adults. He was soon kicked into the regular
prison system, however, for fighting with
other inmates, saying "Fuck you" to one
guard and calling another a fat bastard. He
eventually made parole and went home, but
his parole was revoked after a few months
when he hit his mother in the jaw.

Earl's sentence for the break-in ran out
in June 2012. He headed to Grundy, where
his mother lives, and moved into a room
with his uncle Roy “Donny” Harding at
the Appalachian Inn, a cheerless cluster of
trailers squatting around an asphalt park-
ing lot. Harding, who had recently been
laid off from a coal mine, had spent 10
years in prison on a murder charge back in
the 1980s, so he could relate to what Earl
was going through.

At the time I’m writing this, Earl is back

ing room during a break in
He has sharp blue-gray eyes
and is lavishly tattooed but comes across as
affable, with a certain goofy charm, even in
his orange jumpsuit. “I kind of secluded
myself when I got out,” he told me. “I was
still adjusting from prison.”

One thing had changed in a big way, Earl
said. “It was like, What happened to Becky?
She was the sweet and innocent one who
never got in trouble. But when I got out,
she was on dope, just chasing pills,” he said.
“I'd never seen that side of her before.”

On the evening of July 16, 2012, Kitten
Сетрей got a distraught call from Tom.
Someone had used his АТМ card to drai
his bank account, he said. He was sure it
was Becky. "You've got to do something,”
Cempela told him. Tom said he'd had it
and promised to confront her. That night.
Patty Hawkins, whose house is right behind
Tom's, heard Tom and Becky screaming at
each other. "He said, ‘I prosecuted John
and I'll prosecute you,’” Hawkins told me.

The next day, Tom didn't show up to
work and didn't call. That was so unusual
that Cempela gave her copy of Tom's house

key to a couple of city employees and told
them to go check on him.

They found Tom in his bed. He was ly-
ing on his side, pale and cold, with a livid
bruise on his cheek, clutching a long pillow
tightly in his arm. A large plastic shopping
bag lay behind his head. One of the work-
ers checked for a pulse. There was none.

‘The workers called the police. Becky and
Earl were soon arrested and charged with
Tom's murder.

Here's what the police say happened:
About one in the morning on July 17, Becky
and Earl drove from Grundy to Tom's
house in War. There, they suffocated Tom.
with the plastic bag. They also stole about
$1,100 in cash. Around four A.M. Becky
dropped Earl back at the Appalachian Inn.
Earl told his uncle Donny about the killing,
and Donny soon told the police. At a press
conference a few days after the arrests,
Mark Shelton, then chief of police in War,
opined that the money was "most likely"
stolen to buy drugs. Tom, it seemed, һай
become the latest casualty on his own list.

One of the first things I did after learning
about Tom’s death was write to John in pri
on. He wrote back almost immediately.
am absolutely devastated by my dad's mur-
der,” he wrote. “I never thought my soon-
to-be-ex-wife had that kind of evil in her.
This is all my fault. If I hadn't wrote Dad's
checks... would not be in here and would
have been able to protect him.” He went
on: "My father was a great man. He should
never have had to go down like this.”

Later, when I met him in person, he
wasn't so sure. "If Becky did this, I hope she
sits in a cell and rots and dies," he said. But.
over the months, he and Becky had man-
aged to exchange a few letters clandestine-
ly. She said that she loved him and "that she
loved Dad, and ГП see when the evidence
comes out that she didn’t have nothing to
do with this,” said John. “I don't know what
to believe anymore. I really don't."

I met Becky last spring. The Southern Re-
gional Jail in Beaver, West Virginia, where
she was being held awaiting trial, is a low-
key lockup. The warden cheerfully agreed
to let me visit the same day I called to ask.

Becky was waiting for me in a visiting
room furnished with a table and two plastic

X WAS THEN TRICKED INTO
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PLAYBOY

chairs. In her mug shot she looked skinny
and wild-eyed. She looked better now, even
in her jailhouse outfit. She was sturdily built,
with a personable smile, her honey-colored
hair held back with a narrow headband.

"I'd never hurt Tom,” she told me. “He
was like my dad. I was closer to him than
1 was to my dad. If it weren't for Tom I
don't know how my son would have turned
out, without a male figure in his life.” She
missed Jonathen intensely. They talked by
phone a few times a week, but she didn't

¢ him visiting her. It was too hard watch-
ing him walk away. "Tom was grandpa and
daddy all in one. I'd never take that from
my son,” Her voice broke, and she wiped
an eye angrily with her finger.

What about her stealing from "Tom?
That didn't happen, she said. The missing-
church-money
money was t
she didn't st
fight with him about it.

Did she take pills to get high? "No," she
said. “Never.” She did take the pain pills she
was prescribed when she hurt her knee a few
years back. And she did lie about how many
she needed so she could get extra for John.
And yes, she went with him on runs io the
Florida pill mills. But that was it, she insisted.

I'd expected Becky to tell me she hadn't
killed Tom, but this denial was surprising.

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After all, one of her friends, her stepsister,
her grandmother, her brother, her sister
and her husband had all told me she used
pills, Why would John have said that if
weren't true? “I don't know, Lr
she said. upset with me
think he wants me down at his le

Becky's trial began on а chilly, overcast day
late last October, in a tiny brick courthouse
in Welch, the rundown, half-abandoned
county seat a couple of valleys from War.
Given McDowell County's size, it was inevi-
tably a bit ofa clubby affair; the prosecutor,
the lead defense attorney and the judge
had all been involved in one or another of
John’s, Earl's or Becky's previous cases.
District Attorney Ed Kornish, a power-
fully built former marine with buzz-cut
-on-gray hair, that relied
heavily on circumstantial evidence—but
lots of it. One of Becky's cousins and her
uncle Donny testified that she had com-
plained bitterly about Tom and had offered
to pay them to help her kill him—perhaps
jokingly, perhaps not. Other evidence
proved that Becky had been stealing from
Tom's bank account and using the money
to gamble at the video poker parlor in the
days just before his death. Patty Hawkins
took the stand and recounted hearing Tom

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screaming at Becky on the night of July 16
that he aimed to prosecute her.

Donny told the court that shortly after
midnight on July 17, Earl got a call in their
shared room from Becky, telling him to
come meet her. Another guy who lived at
the Appalachian testified that at about one
AM. he gave Earl a ride to the road that
leads to his mother's house, where Earl was
picked up by someone driving his mother's
саг. Several hours later, according to Donny,
Earl stumbled back into their room in tears
and confessed һе had killed Tom. “Не
he had to protect his sisi y said.
The next day, Donny testified, he'd told a
rful Becky what Earl had told him. "She
said she couldn't handle it because Tom
knew she was there when he died and that
she regretted it, but at least she'd have a
place to live," Donny told the court.

Several people who had seen Tom the
day of the 16th said they hadn't seen a
bruise on his face like the one found on his
corpse the next morning. Forensics experts
affirmed they'd found Becky's fingerprints
and spots of Tom's blood on the plastic bag.
“In short,” Kornish asked the state medi-
cal examiner who'd autopsied Hatch
Thomas Hatcher was smothered

‘concluded on page 153.

line was simpler:

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BRANDE RODERICK

rande Roderick

has no problem

keeping herself

busy. The 2001

Playmate of

the Year is a
mother and a wife,
has appeared
in numerous
television and
film projects
has run several
businesses and
is now on the
advisory board
of the Alkaline
Water Company.
“When I came off
Celebrity Apprentice 1
wanted something
to be passionate
about,” Brande si
She found it in the
unique water brand
“It's the best water
I've ever tried, and
it's the only bulk
alkaline water out
there.” The smallest
packaging for
Alkaline88 is a three-
liter container—the
equivalent of eight.
12-ounce bottles—
so with less waste,
the company is
environmentally
conscious as well.

HELLO
AMANDA

ine having
Miss May 2012
@MissNikkiLeigh
j as your road
trip co-pilot.
It would be
/ awfully tough to
2 keep your eyes
on the road

E Congratulations
are in order for
Miss November
2001 Lindsey
Vuolo, who wed
Jason Handrinos
in Athens. Fellow
Playmates Stephanie
Glasson and Laurie
Fetter served as
bridesmaids.
А photographer
caught Miss
E June 1985 Devin
V DeVasquez and her
soap-star husband
| ( Ronn Moss (Тһе Bold
and the Beautiful)
acting | ovey
at Boston
Megafest
We have some
great girls. Val Kell,
Bryiana Noelle and
Audrey Aleen Allen
spent the Tuesday
before Thanksgiving
serving turkey and
fixings to the troops
at the Bob Hope
USO at LAX before
they shipped out
for service

PMOY 2012 Jaclyn
Swedberg harnesses
her inner scream

queen in the indie [ А
horror flick Muck. x >

Jaclyn plays Terra, 4
who entertains
MUCK $
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both danger and
men's flirtatious-
ness. Either way,
she undoubt-

edly finds herself
in a compromising
situation.

March 1994
3 of hippie

PLAYMATE 22:
FLASHBACK 22:55

PRESCRIPTION

(continued from page 150)
‘Tom wasn't murdered at all. He simply died
in his sleep of a heart attack. Afier all, he
was 72 years old and plagued with diabe
tes and badly clogged arteries. The autopsy,
Flinchum pointed out, could definitively
ascertain only that the immediate cause of
his death was asphyxiation, or lack of oxy
gen. But that could have been caused by
his heart giving out. Flinchum put his own
forensics expert on the stand to say so. And
Becky's mother and 13-year-old sister swore
Becky had been in Grundy all that night.

Becky, dressed in a slightly ill-fitting
taupe jacket-and-skirt set, took the stand,
looking pale and intent. She choked up
talking about how Tom was “like a dad”
to her. She acknowledged that she'd been
stealing money for video poker from him.
Everything else, she denied: She insisted
she had never asked anyone to help her
kill him, had never told Donny she'd killed
him herself and had been at her mother's
house all through the night that ‘Tom died.

There are several things the jury never
heard about. They barely learned anything
about Earl and nothing about his criminal his-
tory. They didn't hear about Becky's pill use.
nd thanks to complicated rules of evidenc
they never saw, as I did, her videotaped state-
ment to the police after she was first arrested.
In that recording she says that at about four
AM. on July 17, she sneaked out of her moth-
ег’ house to pick up Earl. Earl mysteriously
had a lot of cash on him, Becky said, and told
her, “All your problems are over now.”

That's not an admission of guilt, but it
does flatly contradict the alibi she swore to
in court.

After the trial was over, while the jury was
still out, I went to visit Earl. He surprised me
with how tepidly he stood up for Becky. “I
know I didn't do it,” he said. "I can't vouch
for her, because I was at my apartment."

Earl asked me if I thought Becky was
guilty. "Honestly it looks pretty bad," I said.
"They have people saying she asked them
to help her kill Tom. We know she was steal-
ing from him. They've got a neighbor who
said she heard Tom saying he'd put Becky
in jail just like he put John in jail. And the.
very next day, Tom turns up dead."

“Hell of a coinddence, huh?" said Earl.

A few days later, the jury came back with
a strange pair of verdicts, On the charge of
first-degree murder: not guilty. Apparently
the evidence they'd seen wasn't enough to
get them past reasonable doubt. There was
a second charge as well, however: conspir-
acy to commit murder, On that one they
deadlocked. Becky is slated to face another
trial on that count in February.

Meanwhile she's been released on bond.
Becky is back in War now, staying at her
dad's and spending time with her son, who.
lives with a foster family. Her new Face-
book page carries a message thanking her
family and husband for standing by he

John is up for parole in a few months.
Soon, he'll probably be right back where I
met him.

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