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REDSOX 
NATION: AN 
ORAL HISTORY 
PARTILOF 

DON WINSLOW'S 
EXCLUSIVE 
NOVELLA 

THE INTERVIEW: 
JONAH HILL 
INSANE 
BACHELOR PADS 
THE GUIDE 

TO GOURMET 
BATHING 

THE PIONEERING 
EROTIC AUTEUR 
PUNK ROCK 
INIRAN 

200 WITH 
KEVIN HART 


Вопи 
Slideshow | 
Included! 


No calm after the storm. 


new season 
MON 10/9c | JUNE 2 


A= BEORIGINAL 


ЕЗ ongmireAETV © ФАЕТУ aetv.com/longmire 


MADE WITH LOVE 
BY 
REALLY REALLY 
PRETTY 
BLONDE GIRLS 


moods of norway 


E AVE | NEW YORK - 75 GREENE ST. | MALL OF AMERICA - 60 E BROADWAY 


hat divides man from beast? Self- 
mastery, of course. Our June issue 
is packed with tales of those con- 
querors, the people who constantly push 
culture, sport, design and human ability to 
their limits. We'll start with a story for our 
baseball fans, who know Boston has mas- 
tered the management of expectations. 
's Red Sox Nation is an intricate 
oral history detailing how the team reversed 
the nearly century-long curse of the Bambino, 
with Denis Leary, Conan O'Brien, fans, for- 
mer players and journalists reliving the good 
times and the bad. BoSox faithful will relate to 
endurance master Wim Hof, whose hobbies 
include swimming in icy arctic waters and 
climbing Mount Everest in shorts. In Iceman 
Cometh, his superhuman feats, as witnessed 
by Scott Carney, will have you questioning 
whether Hofis a genetic anomaly or a genius 
of self-control. Erotic writer Ton l 
uncovers a more sensual type of brilliance 
in The Legend of Henry Paris, a profile of 
Radley Metzger, the godfather of pornog- 
raphy's golden age. What makes 
him different? He transformed 
sex in cinema by imbuing his 
work with “that most underrated 
erotic component of all: love." We 
also talk to a man who describes 
himself as a five-foot-four sex 
god: In 200, comedian Кемі 
art explains how he achieved 
such a lofty status, chronicles 
his endless appetite for work and 
shares why Robert De Niro has 
the best war stories in the busi- 
ness. If your comedic tastes run 
more toward the Frat Pack, Jonah 
Hill explains to Davi 
in our Playboy Interview how he 
went from high school cutup to 
shrewd leading man, revealing the secret 
to having a successful career on nobody's 
terms but his own. In her Talk article, "Does 
Porn Have a Prostitution Problem?" Je: 
e looks at how hard times are leading 
adut film actresses to escort on the side. 
's Women column spells 
out one way to keep your girl happy: Spring 
for that European vacation. (But best not 
take romance tips from the new show Win- 
ston produces—the hilarious Bad Teacher 
on CBS.) Europe may win points with its 
fairy-tale cobblestone streets, but con- 
temporary architects capture the ineffable 
through horizon-slicing, jaw-dropping design. 
arin presents the work of 
three cutting-edge firms in Mod Men. Lastly 
we have the pleasure to present our 2014 
Playmate of the Year: the boundlessly sexy 
who poses through 
the decades for celebrated photographer 
lich nard. She holds two degrees 
andis now conquering medical school—how's 
that for self-mastery? 


Kevin Cook 


Nicholas Tamarin 


| Д 
ШТ аз КІШ 


TS 
MGM 


MOD MEN 
A civilization'slegacy is 
revealed in its architec- | 
ture. NICHOLAS TAMARIN 
profiles the firms thatare 

| building America today. 


| ie school of Wim Hof, 
endurance mastermind, © Indulge her with a bath 
allit takes to defy death is | she'll never forget. Indulge 
practice, SCOTT CARNEY yourself too, We show you 
travels to Poland to dis- | how, in intimate detail. 

cover how. 


| THE LEGEND OF 


| 
| RED SOX NATION: 


| Hiserotic films have tran- 
KEVIN СООК talks to 1 scended pornography to 


celebrities, broadcasters become masterpieces, 
and fans, who tell the and their origins, as TONI 
century-long tale ofhow | BENTLEY finds out, are 
the Sox escaped the worst as unlikely as Radley 
curse in baseball history. | Metzger's life itself. 


INTERVIEW Гата SEEN 


53. JONAH HILL 96 KEVIN HART 
DAVID HOCHMAN uncov- Whether it's sex or 
ers the actor's best stories comedy, Hart's life is a 
and new outlook on fame | self-fulfilling prophecy. 
ashe journeys from Frat By ERIC SPITZNAGEL 
Pack to Oscar favorite. 


FICTION | 


80 EXTREME (PART II) | 
With their lives and | 
livelihoods on the line, 
| | DONWINSLOW' extreme 
athletes embark from sky, 
+ 1 ocean and land on aheist 
that makes James Bond 
look sedentary. 
t COVER STORY PHOTOGRAPHY, THIS PAGE AND 
Who betterto play a flower cover, ву MICHAEL BERNARD 
child forourcoverthan 
| Kennedy Summers, a 
| womanasaltruisticasshe | | 1 |». . 
is ravishing. Our Rabbit | Т 


isattracted to both traits, 
and this month you'll find 
him right under her nose. 


VOL, 61, NO. 5-JUNE 2014 


PLAYBOY 


CONTENTS 


THE LIGHT 
FANTASTIC 

Jessica Lewis turns һау 
days into a long-forgotten 
memory in her teasing 
tribute to the Polaroid. 


THE WRITE STUFF. 
Bathed in sunlight 
Jessica Ashley proves her 
sensuality as an artist— 
and fulfills her destiny ав 
Miss June. 


2014 PLAYMATE 
OF THE YEAR 
Kennedy Summers's trip 
through the decades 
reveals a consummate 
Playmate: sexy, smart and 
a unafraid to bare her soul. 


PLAYMATE: | 


ASK ZELDA perspective on sleep in WORLD OF 
How can you be a spy? our digital age. PLAYBOY 
UTI, 50 FREEMARKET ee 
writer and victim ofthe HYPOCRISY avmates.com; 
surveillance state, has Rabbit goes big in Japan; 
some satirical queries for Eu E pink is the new black LUE 
° МАЗ in-house ains why y- : Kevin Hart 
the NSA'In-house one can buy a Tesla and PLAYMATE NEWS 
advice columnist. м 
who's to blame. Gemma Lee Farrell 
READER models for Moose Limited; 
RESPONSE Brittany Binger goes big- PLAYBILL 


time; Claire Sincl: 
comic-book release. 


Ananti-circumcision rs 
crusade; the risingtide 


against climate-change 


DEAR PLAYBOY 
AFTER HOURS 


denial;a historical REVIEWS 
RAW DATA 
PLAYBOY 
ADVISOR 
PARTY JOKES 

GOOD PLAYBOY ON PLAYBOY ON. PLAYBOY ON 

NEIGHBORS FactBook TWITTER NSYAGRAM 

The commandment to Keep up with all things Playboy at 

love thy neighbor facebook.com/playboy, twitter.com/plavbov. 


thyself, and instagram.com/plavbov 


decides, may be God's 
cruelest joke. 


THE SECRET ANO MATE 
CHARMS OF 
EUROPE 


explains one way to win 
a woman's heart: Opt for 
the Continent over Cabo. - 


PRINTED IN U.S.A. 


10 


PLAYBOY 


HUGH M. HEFNER 


editor-in-chief 


JIMMY JELLINEK 
editorial director 
STEPHEN RANDALL deputy editor 
MAG LEWIS art director 
JASON BUHRMESTER executive editor 
REBECCA Н. BLACK photo director 
HUGH GARVEY articles editor 
JARED EVANS managing editor 

JENNIFER RYAN JONES fashion and grooming director 


EDITORIAL, 
COPY: WINIFRED ORMOND сору chief; BRADLEY LINCOLN senior copy editor; сат AUER copy editor 
RESEARCH: NORA O'DONNELL senior research editor; SHANE MICHAEL SINGH research editor 
STAFF: GILBERT MACIAS editorial coordinator; CHERIE BRADLEY executive assistant; TYLER TRYKOWSKI editorial assistant 
CARTOONS: AMANDA WARREN associate cartoon editor 


CONTRIBUTING EDITORS: BRANTLEY BARDIN, MARK BOAL, T.C. BOYLE, ROBERT B. DE SALVE 


UART УВЕК, MICHAEL FLEMING, NEAL GABLER, KARL TARO GREENFELD, 


KEN GROSS, DAVID HOCHMAN, ARTHUR KRETCHMER (automotive), GEORGE LOIS, SEAN MCCUSKER, CHUCK PALAHNIUK, ROCKY RAKOVIC, STEPHEN REBELLO, DAVID RENSIN, 


WILL SELF, DAVID SHEFF, ROB МА 


USON SMIT 


RIC SPITZNAGI 


„JOEL STEIN, ROB TANNENBAUM, CHRISTOPHER TENNANT, DON WINSLOW, HILARY WINSTON, SLAVOJ ŽIŽEK 


A.J. BAIME, LEOPOLD FROEHLICH editors at large 


ART 


JUSTIN PAGE senior art director; ROBERT HARKNESS associate art director; AARON LUCAS art coordinator; LAUREL LEWIS designer 


PHOTOGRAPHY 


sr 


ЕРНАМИЕ MORRIS playmate photo editor; MATT STEIGBIGEL photo researcher; 
GAVIN BOND, SASHA EISENMAN, TONY KELLY, JOSH RYAN senior contributing photographers; MERT ALAS AND MARCUS PIGGOTT, DAVID BELLEMERE, MICHAEL BERNARD, 
CRAIG CUTLER, MICHAEL EDWARDS, ELAYNE LODGE, SATOSHI, JOSEPH SHIN contributing photographers; KEVIN MURPHY director, photo library; 

CHRISTIE HARTMANN senior archivist, photo library; karia GOTGHER assistant, photo library; DANIEL FERGUSON manager, prepress and imaging; 


AMY KASTNER-DROWN senior digital imaging specialist; oscar RODRIGUEZ senior prepress imaging specialist 


PRODUCTION 


LESLEY к. JOHNSON production director; HELEN YEOMAN production services manager 


PUBLIC RELATIONS 


“THERESA M, HENNESSEY vice president; TERI THOMERSON director 


PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES INTERNATIONAL, INC. 


SCOTT FLANDERS chief executive officer 


PLAYBOY PRINT OPERATIONS 
DAVID G. ISRAEL chief operating officer, president, playboy media; 


том FLORES senior vice president, business manager, playboy media 


ADVERTISING AND MARKETING. 
JOHN LUMPKIN senior vice president, publisher; MARIE FIRNENO vice president, advertising director; AMANDA GIVITELLO senior marketing director; 
HELEN BIANCULLI executive director, direct-response advertising NEW YORK: SEAN AVERY luxury director; BRIAN VRABEL entertainment and gaming director; 
ADAM Wenn spirits director; KEVIN FALATKO marketing director; мкг DOLL promotional art director; ERIN CARSON, marketing manager; 

ANGELA LEE digital sales planner CHICAGO: TIEFANY SPARKS ABROTT midwest director LOS ANGELES: LORI KESSLER west coast director; 


LINDSAY BERG marketing manager SAN FRANCISCO: SHAWN O'MEARA h.0.1.€. 


FOLLOW THE BUNNY 
00000 


[playboy playboy playboy playboy +playboy 


HEF SIGHTINGS, 
MANSION FROLICS 
AND NIGHTLIFE NOTES 


THE WORLD 
OF PLAYBOY 


F Ц 


Fifty years ago, PMOY 1964 Donna Michelle was showered with “Playmate pink" 
gifts, including Ventura luggage, Mr. Mort clothing and a custom Ford Mustang. 
As it happens, this summer style authority British Vogue is "looking forward 
to a new season seen through rose or fuchsia, blush, bubble gum or neon pink 
tinted spectacles. If in doubt, make it pink" What goes around, comes around. 


In conjunction with the PMOY 2014 
announcement, Playmates.com 
debuted as a one-stop source of 
information about your favorite 
Centerfolds, past and present. 
Going beyond the girls’ social 
media feeds, the site will give you 
personal updates far greater than 
140 characters. It will also feature 
behind-the-scenes photos from 
Playmate shoots and never-before- 
seen outtakes, It's also entirely SFW, 
so feel free to bookmark it on your 
office computer. Eating at your desk 
has never been so enjoyable. 


As part of our 60th year of influencing international 
culture, we teamed with Japanese streetwear 
brand Hysteric Glamour to create a line of Playboy- 
inspired fashion. Launched in Tokyo but available 
online, the chic wares range from men's camo 
blazers to women's high-waisted miniskirts. 


In appreciation of Hef's multiple efforts to save the 
Hollywood sign, artist Bill Mack painted two images 
of our Editor-in-Chief on a piece of metal sourced 
from the original sign that stood in the hills 


ТЕР, 
FROM MICHAEL BAY 


T E LAST SHIP 


NR SERIES SUNDAY JUNE 22 9/8c 


АМ HONEST WAR 
I was saddened to read Vince Beiser's 
article chronicling the death of War, West 
ia mayor Tom Hatcher (Prescrip- 
tion for Death, March). Beiser's earlier 
PLAYBOY article on Mayor Hatcher ("Over- 
dose County, USA," Forum, April 2012) 
detailed his struggle to maintain the 
health and safety of the citizens of this 
small Appalachian coal town beset by pov- 
erty, unemployment and drug use. The 
mayor's efforts ultimately ended with his 
own death at the hands of a family mem- 
ber. My father's family lived in War; I 
remember as a child spending summer 
vacations in this town with clean streets 
and welcoming people. The coal mines 
had not yet been shut down, and people 
lived a relatively content life. Unfortu- 
nately, my thoughts of a future visit for a 
nostalgic remembrance of my family roots 
have ended with Beiser's writings. 
John Murphy 
Alexandria, Virginia 


I got to know Vince Beiser several 
years ago when he interviewed our 
beloved former mayor Tom Hatcher. 
"Tom's death has devastated our little 
town. Things like this just don’t happen 
in War, West Virginia. Vince related the 
true story, just as it unfolded. His arti- 
cle is an accurate and honest report on 
our town, its people, the drug problems 
and the troubled life of Tom Hatcher. 
All the comments I have received from 
the public here at City Hall have been 
positive. It's not often that a small town 
such as ours gets this kind of recogni- 
tion. I am positive that Tom would have 
approved of the article. A big thank-you 
from all of us in War. 

Mayor Kitten Cempella 
War, West Virginia 


NO GETO BOYS? WTF? 

I know that top-20 lists (20 Greatest. 
Songs With Swearing, April) are supposed 
to create discussion and debate, but how 
could Craig Marks and Rob Tannenbaum 
fail to mention the Geto Boys’ “Gangsta 
of Love,” a groundbreaking, expletive- 
filled and ridiculously catchy rap an- 
them? Its absence calls into question the 
credibility of the entire article. 

Donald Adam 
New York, New York 

We asked Marks and Tannenbaum for a 
response. They replied, “Would you believe 
that song was number 21?” 


TRES SHEIK 

Great article about the Iron Sheik 
(1 Will Make You Humble!, March). As a 
lifelong wrestling fan, I know the Sheik 
refers to those he disdains as “jabronis,” 
but I didn't know he refers to those he 
admires as being “Sheik class.” Keith 
Elliot Greenberg's story shows that as 
far as being a character—both in and 


Stan Lee’s Due Credit 

April's Playboy Interview delighted 
me by uniting two American icons, 
Stan Lee and ptaysoy. But it irks me 
that although Lee gained fame for 
creating Hulk, the X-Men and other 
characters, it is the movie executives 
who get to swim in their Scrooge 
McDuck money bins, thanks to 
Marvel's House of Ideas. Mean- 
while, the folks responsible for these 
creations—especially Lee's cohorts, 
including artists Steve Ditko and 
Jack Kirby—are relegated to the 
shadows. At least Kirby is accus- 
tomed to being ripped off: Roy 
Lichtenstein cleverly appropriated 
Kirby's style, the same pop art your 
girlfriend raves about at museums 
despite chiding you for the juvenile 
nature of your comic-book collec- 
tion. In the end, Stan Lee's answers 
underscore that we should enjoy 
Lee while we can. “Who the hell is 
Ultron?" indeed. 


Ashok Selvam 
Chicago, Ilinois 


I remember when comic books 
were disreputable; neighborhoods 
held bonfires to destroy them, and 
it was embarrassing to say you pro- 
duced them. It’s wonderful to see 
Stan Lee receive the accolades he has 
truly earned for the exceptional writ- 
ing and editing he did in the 1960s. 


out of the ring—the Iron Sheik is in a 
class all by himself. 

Ian Springer 

Los Angeles, California 


My family and I used to know the 
Iron Sheik when he lived in Texas, and 
I have fond memories of him. I was only 
five at the time, but I can still recall this 
great man of giant physique and stature. 
Moreover, around us kids he did not use 
the colorful language he exchanged in 
your article. He was kind and consid- 
erate, and that is the way I will always 
remember him. I wish him all the best. 
Tracey Henderson 
Springfield, Missouri 


ALTERNATIVE HEALTH CARE? 

Thank you for the enlightening 
glimpse into OneTaste and orgasmic 
meditation (Pleasure Seekers, March). It has 
always surprised me that more wellness 
programs don't incorporate pleasure, We 
should all embrace the body's potential 
as wholeheartedly as these "OMing" 
practitioners do. Ав a woman, I was also 


His work still stands as the foundation 
of Marvel Comics half a century later. 
Via the internet 


I'm baffled. Stan Lee is such an awe- 
some and kind guy, but every time I 
hear him talk about comics I lose a bit 
of respect. He really doesn't recognize 
Ultron, one of Marvel's biggest villains, 
created nearly 50 years ago? Did he just 
stop reading comics once he stopped 
writing them? How can he have so little 
passion for them? It's mind-boggling. 

Via the internet 


impressed to learn about the intense 
focus on female arousal. It's not often 
that clits are granted more attention than 
their male counterparts. Kudos to writer 
Molly Oswaks for (ahem) penetrating 
this awesome world and writing such an 
insightful, thorough piece. 

Mélanie Berliet 

New York, New York 


In Molly Oswaks's article about 
OneTaste, the size of the convention 
group—more than 1,000 people— 
stood out to me. In a gathering that 
large, I would imagine the intimacy has 
been removed from the equation and 
more technical and medita- 
in yoga. Is that the intent? 
Also, I wish the article included more 
about the experiences of the couples 
who met for the first time at the semi. 
nar and how their experiences differ 
from those of longtime coupl 

Camilo Quiroz-Vazquez 
New York, New York 


E-mail LETTERS@PLAYBOY.COM or write 9346 CIVIC CENTER DRIVE, BEVERLY HILLS, CALIFORNIA 90210 


FOR WHEN 
SHE'S 
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KATHERINE BAILESS 


Photography by MICHAEL EDWARDS/ 
MEINMYPLACE.COM 


18 


TALK| WHAT MATTERS NOW 


FULL-COURT 
DEPRESSION 


THE NBA EXPANDED THE PLAYOFFS MORE THAN A DECADE AGO IN AN ATTEMPT TO 
PROVE BAD BASKETBALL IS BETTER THAN NONE AT ALL, THE МВА WAS WRONG 


mongthe many com- 
mon denominators of 
major sports is a mantra 
as old as America itself: 
More is better. Major 
league baseball added 
wild-card spots to the 
playoffs, the NFL is talking about it, and 
the new college football playoff system 
implemented this year will bring the total 
number of bowl games to 39—including the 
Beef 'O' Brady's Bowl, the TaxSlayer.com. 
Bowl and the Famous Idaho Potato Bowl. 
So when does too much of a good thing sag 
toward mediocrity? Just look at the NBA, 
which this year will mark the 11th post- 
season since it moved the first round from 
five games to a best-of-seven format. Con- 
spiracy theorists will insist the move was 
then NBA commissioner David Stern’s 
attempt to give the Kobe-and-Shaq Los 
Angeles Lakers more airtime in an era 
when the league was struggling for stars. 
More likely the motivation was money: 
More games mean added profits from 
tickets and advertisements, no small deal 
considering the pool of money divvied up 
every year among playoff teams. 

But has the change been good for com- 
petition? The numbers say no: Nearly half 
the series played since the change have 
been 4-0 or 4-1 blowouts, which means 
we aren't being served more quality bas- 
ketball, just miserable mismatches. That's 
what happens when more than half the 
teams in the league qualify for the play- 
offs. What's more, the best-of-seven for- 
mat makes it harder for underdog teams 
to defeat higher-seeded teams and create 
the type of chaos on which the playoffs 
thrive. Minnesota Timberwolves center 
Ronny Turiaf played on the 2005-2006 


Lakers, a team that built a 3-1 first-round 
lead against the higher-seeded Phoenix 
Suns before losing three in a row. "It's 
harder to pull off an upset because it's 
more games. With March Madness, you 
have to invest because you never know 
what can happen over one game,” Turiaf 
says, He's ambivalent about the need 

for change, though. “Upsets do happen,” 
he says. “Usually the best team at that 
moment wins." (The subtext: There's no 
whining in sports.) 

Indeed, there have been a few colos- 
sal upsets since the NBA moved to the 
best-of-seven format, Most memorably, 
in 2007 the Golden State Warriors upset 
the Dallas Mavericks as an eight 
seed, needing only six games 
to pull it off. The result argu- 
ably generated more interest 
than if Dallas had cruised to 
victory. Why not encourage 
that kind of drama by reduc- 
ing the number of games 
and teams? There's no 
indication the league 
isthinking about 
switching back. “We 
changed it more than 
10 years ago. No real 
new ground here, 
wrote Tim Frank, 
theNBA' senior vice 
president of commu- 
nications, when asked 
for comment. Fine. But. 
who really wins when 
one of the best teams in the 
league lays down another ugly 
four-game sweep on a collection | 
of schlubs? Don't ask us. We won't be 
watching either.—Jeremy Gordon 


COURT 


2005 


JESTERS 


THE NBA'S M 
FORGETTABLE 


Pacers-Celtics 


> Antoine Walker's 
last gasp with the 
Celtics saw Boston 
needing a game-seven 
home win against the 
lower-seeded Pacers. 
They lost by 27 points. 


2009 

> If the ideal series 
is closely contested, 
this wasn't ideal: seven 
games of double-digit 

margins as Dwyane 
Wade tried (and failed) to 
beat Atlanta by himself. 


2010 


2013 
> Playing without 
Derrick Rose, the 
downtrodden Bulls 
pulled off a series of 
ugly wins over the раз- 
sionless Nets, who lost 
game seven at home. 


> Seven games with- 
out a single player а 
casual fan could name. 
The Hawks eventually 
won, then proceeded 
to get swept in the 
second round. 


НАТ МАТТЕН5 МО 


EJ TALK | 


PUMP UP 
THE VOLUME 


New nightclubs dc 

in the Las Vegas desert. Light, a 

38,000-square-foot nightclub at 

Mandalay Bay Hotel and Casino, 

more than 150 speakers, 600 

700 LED panels, miles 
que du Soleil 


tjust popu 


requi 
light fixtures, 
of cable, a doz 


stars, с 


of dollars talk 


John Lyor stem 


takes to build some 


night in Sin 


1. BRING THE NOISE 


+ Light has 167 
speakers, including a 
dance-floor system 
of eight mains and 
10 two-by-21-inch 
subs. Each of the 
four bathrooms has 
six speakers. The 
system cranks out 
141 decibels per 
speaker. Your iPhone 
earbuds won't go 
over 100 decibels; a 
jet engine taking off 
is roughly 140 deci- 
bels. Yes, Light can 
get really loud. 


Cost: $190,000. 
Fact: Technicians 
spent two weeks 
equalizing the 
system; a mere 
15-millisecond delay 


s DJ and millions 
d to tl 
about what it 
here to d 


m at 


ah Davis 


between speakers 
can cause migraines. 


2. VIDEO STAR 


> Start with 724 
LED panels that 
cover more than 
2,500 square feet 
and gulp nearly 
200,000 watts. 
Add another 3,800 
individual nodes 
(900 square feet) 
and four video pro- 
jectors (925 square 
feet). At 4,400 
square feet, Light's 
total video output 
would cover an 
area about the size 
of an NBA court, 
or nearly 500 
51-inch TVs. 


Cost: A replacement 
lamp for just one 


of the projectors 
costs $4,250. 


Fact: Moment 
Factory, which has 
created computer 
animation for art- 
ists ranging from 

Madonna (her Super 
Bowl halftime show) 
to Jay Z, designed 

Light's video 

content. 


3. HEY, DJ 


+ When super- 
star DJ Sebastian 
Ingrosso spins, һе 
uses four CD play- 
ers, a mixing board 

and a computer 
interface box. He 
also needs a set of 
speakers to moni- 
tor the music and a 
way to amplify and 


digitally process 
the speakers. 
Cost: More than 
$50,000—that's 
$9,000 for the 
setup, $27,000 for 
the speakers and 
$18,000 for the 
processors. 
Fact: The grand 
total for a world- 
class DJ setup costs 
more than a 2014 
Porsche Boxster 
(which has a price 
tag of $50,400). 


GET WIRED 


+ The combined 
length of Light's 
sound, lighting- and 
video-related wir- 
ing is somewhere. 
between eight and 


12 miles—twice the 
length of the entire 
Vegas Strip. You 
wouldn't want to run 
that far, especially in 
the Vegas heat. 
Cost: At 50 cents 
a foot, Light's wir- 
ing cost around 
$25,000. 
Fact: We haven't 
even touched on 
the wiring Light 
needs for its data 
networks, point-of- 
sale system 
and more. 


> Light's lights 
include 651 fixtures 

capable of gob- 
bling up a total of 
150,000 watts per 


hour. The system 
uses 25,000 DMX 
channels (think 
on-off switches for 
each movement) 
to control every 
aspect. The club 
has eight snow 
machines, eight 
fog machines, two 
confetti cannons 
and 18 hazers for 
atmospherics. 
Gotta have hazers 
Cost: The 144 Ela- 
tion lights alone 
clocked in around 
$625,000. 
Fact: It took five 
months to program 
the lighting system, 
which offers, quite 
literally, an infinite 
number of possible 
configurations. 


19 


Я ТАЕКТУУНАТ MATTERS NOW 


/DOES PORN 
HAVE A 
PROSTITUTION 
PROBLEM? 


ennifer (not her real name) is 
reluctant to talk. She is sitting 
in a brown leather booth in a 
throwback Hollywood diner, 
her arms folded gently acros: 
her chest. The look on her 
face is skeptical, and not 
without reason 

She agreed to meet here to discuss her 
work, and that work happens to hinge on 
one crucial component: discretion. As 
the owner of a Los Angeles-based escort 
agency, she could land in jail. On top of 
that, she deals with atinique group of 
employees: They aré almost exclu- 
sively porn stars. “There is definitely 
asocial stigma around what the girls 
are doing,” says Jennifer, “People 
will pawn off theirjudgments on the 
girls. They'll tell them that they're 
bad for escorting, and it's hard to 
break through that. 

Stigma or no stigma, escorting оп 
the side is becoming more and more 
common for porn actresses. The big 
money that could once be made in adult 
films is gone, thanks to the growth of 
the web. The market is increasingly 
saturated with new talent, leading the 
industry’s women to look to other ave- 
nues to pay the bills. 

As recently as the mid- to late 2000s, 
porn workers would be blackballed for 
seeing clients in private. The stars had 
an image to uphold—the Jenna Jamesons 


Photography by STEPHANIE VOVAS 


of the adult-film world had. AS lifestyle appear glam- 
orous, and associating themselves with escorting puta crack 
in the facade. | 

But now, moonlighting as an escort is commonplace. Today 
there's even a reversal: Because porn stars can charge more 
for private sessions, women/who see a 
financial opportunity are getting into porn —— 
with the sole intention of jacking up their 
escorting rates. 

"There's a new breed of incoming girls 
who understand that you only do porn to 
make more money escorting,” says Kayden 
Kross, a pornstar who has been in the 
industry since 2007. "Girls come in who 
have been escorting;or who intend to, and 
they know that if they do porn and have a 
name, they are going to be able to charge 
$1,000 or $1,500 an hour, as opposed to а. 
couple hundred otherwise." 

For those who want to, it's not hard to 
break into escorting. Agencies like Jenni- 
fer's use recommendations of friends and 
clients to find new employees, and they 
promote their girls online. Other compa- 
nies seek out escorts in person and find 


indueing Bower grabs. Mos 

low, but some get caught. Last year, former/Mifamax execu- 
tive Richard Nanula was accused of hiring porn stars to sleep 
with him and filming the sessions in an attempt to keep his 
activities legal. 

Men aren't the only ones getting off on the experience. For 
women, hooking can also be a power trip. “They know there's 
a mystique around them," Jennifer says. "Girls reallylike to be 
able to blow guys’ minds, knowing that they gave them some- 
thing nobody else ever could." 

In addition to the rush of feeling like a “goddess,” as Jen- 
nifer/puts it, there's the fact that women who hook can have 
more control over what they will and won't do, They call the 
shots when it comes to condom use. They set their own times 
and locations, and they pick and choose whom they will get 

into bed with. 
No matter how common escorting 
becomes, it remains a dirty little secret 
inside the porn industry. Few porn 
actresses will admit to doing it, and very 
few people on the business side will cop to 
knowing it goes on. 

The stigma exists in part for obvious 
reasons. Some porn stars and players in 
the industry think actresses who hook 
are more likely to bring sexually trans- 
mitted diseases onto sets. Others think: 
escorts\are taking money away from 
porn and putting it directly in their own 
pockets—or in the pockets of whoever 
represents them, 

But there's also an unspoken hierarchy 
within the adult industry, one in 
which women judge one another rather 
mercilessly. "Strippers think they're 


clients exclusively through word-of-mouth. 
Some women decide to go it alone, building 
their own websites and brands. 

Either way, there is no shortage ofmen willing to pay for 
the thrill of sleeping with someone they've watched onscreen 
and lusted after. Because of the high rates and high rewards, 
these men tend to be wealthy, with a penchant for adrenaline- 


better than porn stars because they're 
not doing porn;" Kross explains. "Porn 
stars think they're better than escorts because they're not 
escorting, Escorts think they're better than both because the 
others are dumb for not making all the money they can make: 
Each one kind of looks down on the others, unless they do all 
three;"— Jessica Ogilvie 


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Approximately y \ 


3.2 
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people watched 
the 2010 matches - averaging а! 
That's 46.4% of er game ^ 


the world [2] d с ne 


о Brazil has won IN 1970 
5 TIMES и Mexico became the first 
" nation outside of Europe and South o 


and they are the America to host the competition 
only team to have 
played in every 

tournament 


When the trophy was 
stolen prior to the 


1966 CUP 


in England and was 
missing for a week, a 
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8 owner, discovered 


9 the trophy wrapped 
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ÜV В 30 Team USA has в зоте Бивһев 


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и total goals countries: 


scored during the 
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ber of nations that have played since 


the first edition in 1930. 


NUMERO 
UNI 


SPINY AND SUBLIME SEA URCHIN 
IS THE SEAFOOD OF THE MOMENT 


ea urchin has overcome some 

major PR problems. On the 

outside it looks like a cross 

between a hand grenade and 

a hedgehog; on the inside it 
has roe sacs the texture of butterscotch 
pudding. Weird? Yes, but also delicious. 
Sea urchin, also known by its Japanese 
name, uni, was once the province of only 
the most intrepid sushi warriors. But it 
has slithered into the hands of some ofthe 
country's most creative chefs. "The clean, 
neutral taste of fresh sea urchin makes it 
very versatile,” says Ori Menashe, chef- 
owner of Bestia in Los Angeles. "I can use 
it with pasta, pork, eggs and fish." With 
ве three easy recipes from Menashe, 

can dive into unis buttery, briny 


— Cook one pound 
spaghetti. Sauté two 
minced shallots, two 
minced garlic cloves 
and a pinch of chili 
flakes in а pan over 
medium heat. Add 
splashes of white 
wine and vegetable 
stock, Whisk one- 
third cup sea urchin 
into a puree. Trans- 
fer cooked pasta 

to pan with shallots 
and garlic; turn off 
heat. Add puree 

and toss to coat 
«spaghetti. 


— Lay eight half- 
inch-thick nectarine 
wedges on a serving 
platter. Place a sea 
urchin "tongue" 

оп each nectarine 
and drape over 
each wedge one 
thin slice of lardo 
(Italian-style cured. 
pork belly; order the. 
La Quercia brand at 
murravscheese.com). 
Sprinkle with sea 
salt and roughly torn 
fresh mint leaves. 
Drizzle with extra- 
virgin olive oil. 


— Beat six eags with 
two tablespoons 
créme fraiche, two 
tablespoons cream, 
a quarter cup freshly 
grated Parmesan and š 
a pinch of salt. Heat š 
two tablespoons 
butter in a sauté pan 
over medium heat, š 
add egg mix and 
soft-scramble. Spoon 
eggs over toasted 
baguette slices. Lay 
a sea urchin “tongue” 
on each; sprinkle 
with sea salt and 8 
minced chives. š 


* Some of the best sea urehin | 

comes from Santa Barbara. 

California. Opening an 

urchin can be a hassle, so i 
look for bamboo trays of 
“processed” urchin; it should 
be light orange in color. 


paco rabanne 


Now Available on 
NOOK HD, NOOK HD+, 
NOOK Color: and NOOK Tablet 


nook 


PARTY 
INA 
BOTTLE 


BOTTLING COCKTAILS BEFORE THE 
BASH IS A BARTENDER'S TRICK 
EVERY HOST SHOULD KNOW 


f you've ever thrown a proper 

cocktail party only to find yourself 

spending more time measuring and 

mixing than mingling with guests, 

you know the perils of the age of 
mixology. Enter the prebatched cocktail, 
ano-brainer that catering bartenders 
and margarita masters know well but not 
enough other people do: Simply multiply 
the ingredients in your favorite cocktail 
by six, funnel them into a bottle and then 
shake or stir portions as requested. Be 
sure to serve a drink novel and delicious 
enough to improve your reputation as a 
tasteful host (martinis and margaritas 
are a little obvious). Here's a summery 
rum-based spin on the old fashioned to 
get you started.—Charles Joly 


+ 12 ог. aged rum 
such as El Dorado 
12 year, Mount Gay 
Black Barrel or Flor 
de Cana 12 year 

* 3 02. simple syrup 


i / 


* 9 oz. water 

* 6 dashes Angostura 
bitters 

* Orange peel 


— Make simple syrup 
(enough for three 
batches): Heat nine 
ounces water ín a pot. 
Stir in nine ounces sug- 
ar and stir to dissolve. 


COCKTAILS 
TOGO 


* Notime to mix? 
These bottled cocktails 
are top-shelf 


1. High West 36th Vote 
Barreled Manhattan 

— A rye manhattan that's been 
mellowed in oak barrels for 120 
days. (857. hiahwest.cam) 


(Фе = 


2. Crafthouse Cocktails 
Southside 

— Gin, lime juice, cane sugar and 
mint make for a refreshing pre- 
game. ($20, crafthausecocktails.com) 


3. Fluid Dynamics 
Brandy Manhattan 

= Brandy produces an elegant 
version of the classic cocktail 


(864, сас 


Let cool. Store extra 
syrup in refrigerator for 
up to one week 
Combine everything 
but the peel in a large 
bowl or pitcher. Pour 


through a funnel into a 
750-milliliter bottle. 


To serve, pour over 
ice into a rocks glass 
and gamish with or- 
ange peel, misting oils 
over the drink. 

This cocktail is shelf 
stable and will last. 
indefinitely. 


ry 
Photography by DANNY KIM 


CLASSIC 
TOBACCO 


FLY 
BOYS 


LOOK SHARP THIS 
SUMMER IN COOL 
COLORFUL AVIATORS 


* Wayfarers are 

way cool, but this 
summer you can 
stand out on the 
beach or on the 
streets with a pair 

of plastic aviator 
sunglasses. The 
oversize lenses 
provide practical 
protection, while 

the retro shape and 
cool colors demand 
just the right amount 
of attention. With 
styles like these, 
you'll have it made in 
the shades. 


Green Flash Chocolate City Shell Game N 
3 Emerald frames and — These dangerously 3 Timeless tortoise- 
a chrome detail on the dark brown frames shell frames work with 
arm are all you need from Diesel feature a a suit, whether it's 
to accessorize your denim swatch on the business or swim, and 
rugged tan. Vegas pool side to match yot will stay in style for 
party, anyone? weekend wardrobe. years to come. 
28 Photography by 


DANNY KIM 


Ej STYLE 


COLOGNE 
RANGERS 


HOW TO SMELL LIKE YOUR HEROES H 


+ Dressing well isn't just about 
looking good. If you do it with the 
right mind-set, it can motivate you to 
conquer the workday (or the night, for 
that matter). Once you have the whole 
dressing-for-success thing down 
pat, add tactical aromatherapy to 
your style arsenal. Pick a scent that 
channels your favorite artists and H 
athletes to take your game to the next 

level. Неге are five iconic 
and the pop-culture icons rumored to 
have worn them 


olognes 


Rock Solid 
» The British 
royal family | 
favors this 

classic cologne, ||| 
as does British 
rock royalty 

It was also the 
go-to fragrance 
for none other 
than James 
Bond 


Francophile 
» Guerlain 
Homme may be 
French, but it 
smells as fresh 
and vibrant as 
a Cuban mojito. 


This wearable 
cocktail has floral 


and woodsy 
notes that suit a 
leading man. 


Creed 
Demons 

> This elegant 
British status 
scent is worn by 
а motley gang 
of iconoclasts. 
It's pricey, but 
the top-shelf 
swagger it 
exudes is worth 
every penny. 


Retro Rodeo 
* Go old-school 
with this fresh 
and floral 
Hollywood 
scent from 
Bijan, the 
Rodeo Drive рег: 
perfume house > 
to the stars of 

yesteryear. 


ы, 


Net Benefits 


» If excellence 
and career 
reinvent 
among your 
goals, you 
could do worse 
than turn to the 
masculine and 
understated 
scent created 
by Renaissance 
man Michael 
Jordan 


are 


EJ MOTORS 


ROLLING 
THUNDER 


hasinga narrowstrip of 
blacktop to the distant hori- 
zon with nothing ahead of you 
but time, space and freedom. 
That's the idea behind the 
cruiser motorcycle, which 
offers instant entrée to a club of like-minded 
rebels. The cruiser is as definitively Ameri- 
the cowboy and the muscle car, and 
this season а slew of new rides offers classic 
cruiser style with modern engineering. What 
was once aclass of bike that tried to outdo 
elf-sacrificing performance and even 
y in pursuit of a singular image—has been 
redefined with fast, capable machinery, We 
hammered everything 
out there; here are 
four of the best. 


> In 1977 Harley Rider achieves some- > The idea here isa ride hard. Triumph 
invented the “factory thing similar by drop- cruiser feel with the ^ even fit its parallel- 
custom” with the ping the seat height European handling twin engine with a 
original Low Rider, more than an inch and performance 270-degree crank to 
a bike modified to and adding heaps of that have made give it that uneven, 
follow customizing — slick 1970s styling. the Triumph range V-twin rumble. 
trends. Based on the Stats: 1,690 cc famous. Consider Stats: 1,699 cc. 


Dyna,thisnewLow V-twin; $14,199. ita cruiser you can 415,699. 


While previous 
entries from Star— 
Yamaha's cruiser 

ave tried to 
the class's 
formula, the 2014 
Bolt is revolutionary 
in its derivativeness. 
Star is open about 
which bike it has in 
its sights: the best- 
selling motorcycle 

in America, Harley's 
Sportster. The Bolt is 
remarkably similar to 
that definitive hog, 
with just an extra 


dose of 2154 century 
braking and handling 
prowess, enough 

to make it a more 
practical compan- 
ion for everyday 
use. The air-cooled, 
fuel-injected 

942 сс V-twin is 
plenty of muscle 
for most, while 

the overall pack- 
age delivers in the 


looks department. 
Shopping for a first 
bike or a practical 
commuting vehicle? 
Start here. For a bit 
of added cool factor, 
the R-Spec version 
which includes 

a sweet woven 
leather seat, black 
fenders, additional 
color choices and 
blacked-out mirror 
backs—goes for just 
$300 extra. 


- Horsepower: ТВА 
* MPG: 47 
Height: 44.1 inches 


* Length: 90.2 inches 
- Price tag: 57990 


Engine: 942 cc SOHC V-twin 


> Redefining the 
cruiser aesthetic, 
the Diavel is Ducati's 
fastest-accelerating 
and strongest- 
braking bike. The 
liquid-cooled V-twin 
is derived from 


Ducati's superbike 
line, but the long 
wheelbase and low 
center of gravity are 
cruiser hallmarks in 
21st century garb. 
Stats: 1,198 cc; 
$20,995. 


A HOT LAP WITH 
THE MAN BEHIND THE 
WORLD'S LARGEST 
MOTORCYCLE MUSEUM 


TRAVEL 


Then it's on to an Angel's Envy 

the Bluegrass State, Cask Strength with 

where you can get a wood-fired pizza 

your bearings tast- topped with pickled 

ing and touring at peppers and house- 

Old Pogue (© run Made pepperoni. 

by fifth- and sixth- Throw down your 

generation distillers, | bags at the art- 

and Buffalo Trace, Centric 21c Museum 

home of the Pappy Hotel. Its restaurant, 

Van Winkle brand. Proof on Main, offers 
The 78-year-old more than 75 local 

boutique brand Wil- Kentucky bourbons 


lett has renovated a for straight drinking 
Bardstown distillery Ог for mixing in 

that was shut down а cocktail. 

in the 19805. Tour From there, sam- 

the place, then taste Ple the smooth and 
Willett Family Estate unwavering hand: 


bourbon and rye. crafted Jefferson's 
For good measure, bourbon (2) with a 
hit some Old Bards- laid-back six-course 
town, Noah's Mill seasonal menu at 


and Pure Kentucky— 610 Magnolia. 
all bottled there. 
In Louisville, the 
finishing touches are 
being added to the Eo e 


downtown distillery 


TRAIL 


DRINK IN AMERICA ON A SPIRITED 
TRIP THROUGH THE SOUTH 


Я қ E and event space | Tennessee] 
оо much of anything is bad, but too much good whiskey is barely for Angel's Envy, а nnessee 
enough." That's a Mark Twain-ism we can all raise a glass to. The newcomer all about — Head south and 


brown spirit is practically the backbone of America—after all, th. small-batch, hand- 
рі practically а; afte e blended whiskeys check in at the 


liquor tariff was the first tax introduced in this country. Brush up on You soda have laid-back but good- 
your whiskey history (and current developments in the small-batch yours with carbs, looking Hutton | 
revolution) on a multistate tour of the South.—Jeralyn Gerba At Garage Bar, pair Hotel in Nashville's 


West End. From 


there, walk to Cor- 
West Virgi 


sair Distillery, an op- 
eration that prides 
itself on screwing 
with tradition—from 
Reservoir Dogs- 
style labels to alter- 
native grains such 
as quinoa, hops and 
amaranth (they're 
craft brewers at 
— It's three hours heart). Corsair's 
off the beaten new malting facility 
bourbon trail, and farming ambi- 
and it's not even tions point toward 
in Kentucky, but a grain-to-glass 
the hill country movement. The 
of West Virginia Nashville distillery 
has a Scotch-Irish doubles as a bar, so 
heritage—and you can taste the 
therefore a strong liquor straight up or 


whiskey tradition— hotel in the Alleghe- craft distillery drink down a classic 
along with access ny Mountains that’s that is the pride cocktail. Ideal flight 
to viable agricul- heavy on Southern of Maxwelton. The quinoa whiskey, Tri- 
ture, which means — charm, preppiness company uses ple Smoke and the 
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distilling. Ease into interiors. If you own GMO corn, wheat whiskey Rasputin. 
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tion with a meal place to wear them. local farms and Husk (©), arguably 
at Livery Tavern in Wake up at sunrise specialty botanicals the most important 
Lewisburg, a mod- — fora round of golf (coriander, black restaurant for mod- 
ern farm-to-table on the Old White pepper) for its clear ern Southern cook- 
affair in wood-beam ТРС (5), а presti- liquors. Call ahead ing, has a new Nash- 
former stables. gious 18-hole course for a tour; upon ville outpost nearby. 
Orderthelocaloys- built on the resort arrival at the tasting Its tippling program 
ters, the rib eye and grounds in 1914. room, be sure to highlights local 
99-proof Old Scout, Then it's time sample the award- spirits, of course, so 
served neat. to take a ride on winning Yearling, get yourself a glass 

Spend the night at Interstate 64 to flagship Old Scout of that fine sipping 
the Greenbrier (А) Smooth Ambler and barrel-aged liquor and enjoy the 
a lavish antebellum ^ Spirits, a hillside Greenbrier gin. hospitality. 


У 


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REINVENTIN 
THE WHEEL 


TRAIL 
BLAZERS 


Photography by DANNY KIM 


> This 27.5-inch 
frame sits lower 
than other bikes, 
giving it more 
stability over rough 
terrain, while 6.1 
inches of suspen- 
sion over the rear 
wheel protect your 
posterior. 


— Santa Cruz built 
the Bronson from 
scratch with racing 
in mind. The carbon- 
fiber frame weighs 
less than 30 pounds, 
and 5.9 inches of 
suspension in back 
help it float over 
choppy rocks. 


> Six inches of 
suspension on the 
front and back 
wheels combined 
with a relatively 
slack geometry 
keep this 27.5-inch 
bike impressively 
fast and stable on 
the downhills 


* Foryears, mountain bikers have argued about which 
wheel size reigns supreme: 26 inches or 29 inches. It 
turns out the sweet spot may be right in the middle. “A 
27.5-inch bike rolls fast and smooth over obstacles like 
a 29er does, but it's still nimble,” says mountain bike 
legend Jeff Lenosky. Proper setup is still crucial. A good 
way to check whether your seat height is correct is to try 
pedaling with your heels. “Ifyou pedal with your heels 
and your hips move from side to side or your knees flare 
out, уоп need an adjustment.” Let's roll.—Stan Horaczek 


> The aluminum 
frame and race- 
grade components 
make the Covert stiff 
and light for climb- 
ing, while the high- 
quality suspension 
and frame linkage 
tackle rough terrain 
on the way down. 


O 000 /—— 


Шо“ 


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36 


ENTERTAINMENT 


MOVIE OF THE MONTH 


TRANSFORMERS: 


AGE OF EXTINCTION 


* Fansofthe Transform- 
ers franchise can expect 
more of the same, only 
different, from director 
Michael Bay’s Trans- 
formers: Age of Extinc- 
tion, Mark Wahlberg 
tops a cast that includes 
newcomer Nicola Peltz. 


With Shia LaBeouf now 
on the dark side ofthe 
moon, the new flick 
introduces mass audi- 
ences to Jack Reynor, 
an American-born, 
Ireland-raised actor 
best known for big roles 
in small indies. “I play 


Shiah 
Reyno 


а completely different 
character from what 

5 done; 
play a young 
floater, and there's a 
nice triangle going on 
with Mark and Nicola, 
who plays his daughter, 
and myself that's like a 


dysfunctional family. 
We have the revamped 
says Autobots, and every. 
thing's a little grittier but 
at the same time glossier. 
They ve changed up 
how they designed the 
film ina way that's 
really striking. 


» Twenty-four 
year-old English 
actress Juno 
Temple appear: 
be fearless when it 
comes to 
nudity, as you can 
see in this revealing 
shot from William 
Friedkin's Killer 
Joe. See her next 
as the green pixie 
Thistletwit opposite 
Angelina Jolie in 
Maleficent. 


DVD OF THE MONTH 


TRUE 
DETECTIVE 


* HBO'slauded Southern Gothic 
crime series uses multiple timelines to 
chronicle two detectives’ 17-year hunt 
for a serial killer in Louisiana. Investi- 
gating the occultish murder of a prosti- 
tute is loner cop Rust Cohle (Matthew 
McConaughey) and his partner, Marty 
Hart (Woody Harrelson), whom we 
meet in 2012 as they recount the facts 
of the 1995 case. Cohle is areal downer 
(“Maybe the honorable thing for our 
species to do is deny our programming, 
top reproducing, walk hand in hand 
into extinction") who drives Marty 
nuts with his existential philoso- 
phizing; Marty drinks too much and 
cheats on his wife. The pulpy swamp 


“ұғ 


wp ne 


noir's mysteries unravel over eight taut 
episodes as the men learn that mak- 
ing human connections is the only 

way to overcome their demons. (BD) 
Bestextra: "Up Close With Matthew 
MeConaughey and Woody Harrelson" 
exclusive interviews. VY 


2 
с 
Н 


ОМ ТНЕ 
EDGE 


Bill Paxton gets 
vocal with Tom 


Tomorrow 


é 


In Edge of 
Tomorrow, in 
which earthlings 
must unite to 
combat an alien 
invasion, how 
much fun did 
you have as а 
sergeant who 
gets to verbally 
brutalize Tom 
Cruise, who dies 
in combat and, in 
Groundhog Day 
style, is forced to 
live that day over 
and over? 

A: Tom gets 
thrown into my 
platoon, and 
I'm the tough 
sergeant who is 
unshakable in his 
conviction that 
it's worth getting 
your balls blown 
off for a heroic 
cause. There was 
a lot of macho 
posturing and 
competitiveness, 
With Tom 
constantly 
challenging our 
stamina. | still. 
laugh thinking of 
him going, "Come 
оп, Paxton!" even 
when I'd say, 
laughing, "I'm not 
feeling so good 
today." He rallies 
everyone around 
the flag 


Will Edge of 
Tomorrow give 
your fans more 
classic lines to 

quote and a death 
scene to savor? 

А: Oh, believe me, 
Sergeant Farrell 
has some great 
stuff to say and 
do. He's going 

to get under 
people's skins 
and into their 
memories. l'm 
not going to spoil 
whether or not he 
lives or dies. I'll 
just say I wouldn't 
bet on either 
outcome.—S.R. 


experience build: 
ing planes, Ford 
ted a huge 
Willow Run, 
Ju 


WINNING 
THE SKIES 


Playboy Editor 
AJ. Baime on how 
Detroit did the 
impossible in WWII 


o pr 
iberators 
the biggest, fast- 
est, meanest heavy 
ue bomber in the U.S. 
arsenal—at a rate 


3: Your book tells f one per hour. It 
оуу au kers was a miracle of 
reinvented them- — production. 

selves as defense Q: And the effect 


contractors to 
help win the war. 
What imi 


of heavy bombers? 
Never had a 
alt 


essed weapor 


death and destruc- 
n with 


ALBUM OF THE MONTH 


NIKKI NACK 


* Merrill Garbus is 
blunt about it: The 
oddball stylization 
she uses for the 
name of her 

music project, 

4 tUnE-yArDs, is 
“intended to annoy people.” Those 
letters symbolize her commitment 
to the unexpected, as heard on two 
previous albums full of dazzling 
invention and now оп a new, even 
better one, Nikki Nack. 

Her theme seems to be the moral 
idiocy of America. "I come from the 
land of slaves/ Let's go Redskins, 


economy. General 
Hap Arnold basi 
lly said we had 
to fly big machines 
ver Nazi Germany 
and tear the place 
down. So that's 
what we did. 
Q: Your wife's 


THE ARSENAL OF 


grandfather trained 
at Willow Run 
helped me 
paint a vivid 
ture: the worl 
largest plane 6 
tory, with C 
Lindbergh roaring 
over in a В-2 
edible 


les ron, өлке, 


¡GAME Or THEMONTH Ж 


WOLFENSTEIN: | 
THE NEW ORDER 


› Buhrmesfer 


* Call of Duty wasn't 
even in boot camp 

when Wolfenstein 3-D 
revolutionized shooter 
games forever upon 

its release in 1992. 
Wolfenstein: The New 
Order (360, PC, PS3, PS4, 
Xbox One) reimagines the 


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MUST-WATCH TV 


THE 
LEFTOVERS 


+ Lost guru Damon Lindelof's new 
НВО series opens with two percent 
ofthe human population suddenly 
vanishing without warning or fanfare. 
Don't expect another take on the 
Rapture prophecy, however. Instead, 
The Leftovers—based on Tom Perrotta's 
novel ofthe same name—is as much 
mystery as thriller. After a low-key (yet 
wholly unnerving) depiction of the 
disappearances, the series jumps ahead 
three years to a world still unsure how 
or why millions were taken. Justin 
Theroux, Liv Tyler and the other 
residents of asmall New York town 
become a microcosm of how those left 
behind are coping: Some join religious 
cults; most just seem numb. Despite 
the supernatural underpinnings, The 
Leftovers feels completely realistic. 
That makes it more frightening than 
any Bible story. YYYY 


37 


of all 
international 


arms exports 
originate in 
the United 
States, Russia, 
Germany, China 
or France, 
according to 
the Stockholm 
International 
Peace Research 
Institute. 


v 
Increase in 
China's share 


3 CUSTOMERS 
OF THE U.S.: 
1. Australia 
9. South Korea 
3. United Arab 

Emirates 


.\ 


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here 
172 female 


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* Number of 
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ШЇ 


WHY YOUR GIRLFRIEND WANTS YOU ТО 
PROTECT HER FROM THE JERK NEXT DOOR 


esus said only two commandments 
matter: Love God and love your 
neighbor. Notice he didn't go with 
"Thou shalt love ice cream and 
boobs." He purposely chose the 
two hardest things to love: a su- 
preme being that lets everyone 
die and the guy who can't park his 
car like a normal person. 

Your relationship with your neighbors 
determines an inordinate amount of your 
happiness. When high school kids fret 
over picking the right college for their 
personality, I tell them to just pick the 
one that impresses people the most, since 
your school experience matters less than 
who your randomly selected roommate 
is. You get a Matthew McConaughey 
who appoints you his yearlong wingman, 
you'll be all right, all right, all right even if 
you're at the University of Alaska. 

A bad neighbor, though, ruin 
your life. I once attended a Coffee With 
a Cop event. Everyone came with ques- 
tions about two things: traffic laws and 
what damage they could legally do to 
their neighbors. The trouble almost 
always starts with one of three things: 
noise, landscaping and parking. These 
are disputes two men can deal with 
reasonably—unless they have girl- 
friends. Man, by nature, does not really 
care about falling tree branches or late- 
night noises. But his girlfriend, by na- 
ture, does—not enough to deal with it 
herself, but more than enough to pester 
him incessantly to deal with it for her. 
So that otherwise reasonable man will 
scream and threaten his neighbor about 
these things, hoping the screaming and 
threatening increase his chances of get- 
ting laid. If the neighbor he's yelling at 
also has a girlfriend, there's no chance 
either side will back down. A neighbor 
dispute is just like a bar fight, only you 
can never leave this particular bar. 

Since there's no walking away, a small 
fight quickly escalates into lawn feces, 
dog murder and eggs thrown by Justin 


Bieber's bodyguards. A reality show in 
New Zealand called Neighbours at War is 
going into its eighth season, having al- 
ready tackled issues such as "Tim blames 
farmer Rodney for a series of injustices 
suffered by his pet cows" and "Fay and 
Merrill are outraged over runoff and 
think the neighbor responsible might 
have rabies." The only surprising thing 
about any of this is that people in New 
Zealand sometimes have rabies. 

You can't buy your way out of these 
issues by assuming a good neighbor- 
hood means good neighbors. In fact, the 
nicer the neighborhood, the more likely 
there will be insanity. Rich people and 
poor people both make awful neighbors. 
They both tend to drink too much, get 


BY JOEL STEIN 


too close to their extended family, act 
entitled, smoke, sue, own guns, gamble, 
get arrested and wear bathrobes during 
daylight hours. The real estate website 
Curbed.com has a whole section called 
Celebrity Neighbor Wars, with headlines 
such as GLEE ACTRESS STRAIGHT UP PARKS ON 
SIDEWALK BY APARTMENT and ALAN BALL'S 
BIRDS GOING CRETACEOUS ON NEIGHBOR QUEN- 
TIN TARANTINO. Katherine Heigl and her 
husband called the cops after a neighbor 
yelled at them for being in their hot tub 
late at night. Replace “Katherine Heigl” 
with “Jazmine” and “hot tub” with “inflat- 
able pool filled with baby ой” and I'm a 
lot more interested. The only rich person 
I've ever heard of who's a good neigh- 
bor is Barbra Streisand, who bought the 
houses to the left and right of her own. 
Neighbor issues aren't just a suburban 
thing. In an apartment building you just 
have more neighbors closer together— 
including vertical neighbors. I spent 11 
years in Manhattan without giving the 
apartment upstairs any thought until one 
night at two A.M. when I discovered that 


the guy who'd just moved in was a pro- 
fessional gay S&M bottom whose main 
gig was to dramatically crawl around on 
all fours for hours at a time. I don't ac- 
tually know if that's what he was doing 
since I never met him, but based on the 
sounds, I feel 100 percent certain. I left 
him a note asking him to stop. He contin- 
ued to do his chained-dog bit anyway. 1 
moved, and I never told the new tenants. 

Once, when I lived on a quiet, dead- 
end Hollywood Hills block in L.A., I 
had neighbors who put a huge skull and 
crossbones on their garage door. It was 
a tasteful metal one, but still not a signal 
that they'd be throwing block parties. I 
asked around and found out it was the 
headquarters of Suicide Girls, a punk 
soft-porn website. I decided to take pre- 
ventative action and open a dialogue 
so if problems occurred, our relation- 
ship wouldn't start with a complaint. My 
епа Michael and I baked some brown- 
iesand brought them over asa gift for the 
new neighbors. We did this despite the 
fact that neither of us knew how to make 
brownies or talk to punk girls. Months 
later I was at a party with Dave Navarro 
and my new Suicide Girl friend, Bea. For 
the rest of my time at that house, I was 
as happy to wake up and see a skull and 
bones as a junior at Yale. 

Just a few days after I moved into my 
néxt Hollywood Hills house, however, a 
neighbor started our relationship with 
a complaint, knocking on my door and 
demanding I cut down a 100-year-old 
eucalyptus tree, fearing a bad storm 
could cause it to fall on her young son's 
room. I had no idea if the 100-year-old 
tree was dangerous, but I did know it 
was the leverage I would need to deal 
with this crazy woman. I guarded the 
health of that tree like it was the Maginot 
Line. Years later, the neighbor's son took 
up the drums. I trimmed the tree, and 
he doesn't drum after eight р.м. I be- 
lieve, deep in my heart, that's what Jesus 
would have done. 


n college, I studied abroad in Vienna 
and had dreams of a semester-long 
fling during which my new beau and 
I would take in the sights and share 
cappuccinos while trying to keep our 
scarves out of the barista's pride- 
worthy foam. I spent a lot of time 
with one particular gentleman in 
my program, and after weeks of flirting 
he finally asked me to the theater. It was 
happening. Soromantic. He even brought 
flowers on our date, but by the end of the 
performance he still hadn't given them 
to me. I started to suspect they weren't 
actually for me. We met the cast backstage 
because a дігі he knew from opera class 
was in the production. I hated her. She 
was beautiful, had a beautiful singing 
voice and was now going to be living 
the dream with her cute, scarf-wearing 
American suitor. I was devastated, and 
right. The flowers weren't for me. They 
were for the star of the show—Klaus. 
Yep, Klaus. Not the beautiful girl from 
opera class but Klaus, an equally beautiful 
gentleman with a beautiful singing voice. 
Klaus was thrilled and headed off for a 
nightcap with his new American beau. I 
headed off to the subway for a long ride 
back to the suburbs, where I lived with an 
eccentric host family who watched reruns 
of Full House almost exclusively. Uncle 
Jesse's shenanigans were not exactly my 
idea of European romance. And I was left 
romantically unsatisfied. 

"That bri me to this summer. Vaca- 
tion season. My guy and I, like couples 
everywhere, have been fighting for 
months about where to go. Staycation? 
Gocation? The kind of vacation for which 


you need just a backpack, a bathing suit 
and the phone number of a good inter- 
national lawyer? Or the kind of vacation 
for which you need a backpack to carry 
all the money you're going to spend? То 
me, the choice is easy. Like “every other 
girl” (according to my guy), I want to go 
to Europe. Women like Europe. I'm sure 
this has happened to you during vacation 
talks. But why is it that every woman is dy- 
ing to go to Europe with you? Paris. Rome. 
Venice. All vacation discussions lead to an 
expensive flight you'll never be able to use 
miles for because everyone's lady wants to 
go to Europe. Мей, I'll explain. 

Women want to go to Europe because 
it’s romantic. (Personally, I want the ro- 


mance I missed out on in college.) And 
Europe is more romantic than other 
places because it's old. Yes, there are old- 
er places, but Europe is where fairy tales 
were born—on cobblestone streets and 
in tiny alleys that in America you'd avoid 
because you'd worry about being robbed 
but that in Europe are charming. Paint 
chipping off a door in the States is a sign 
that someone has a lazy handyman. Іп Eu- 
rope, a door with chipped paint is quaint. 
Rusty water. Old pipes. Thin walls. Nar- 
row staircases. Shared bathrooms. Small 
beds. All quaint. I stayed with a guy in 
Turkey at a bed-and-breakfast where we 
shared a bed generously called a twin. We 
also had to light a small wood fire to heat 
water for the shower. In America I would 
have called the police and demanded my 


money back. But in Europe it was sweet. 
Different. Everything is charming. Even 
the pharmacy is charming. Just the idea 
of a foreign tampon is somehow charm- 
ing. But why don't we just go to Europe 
with our lady friends and enjoy the 
charming hell out of it? Because we want 
to experience it with you. 

We want to have a three-hour dinner 
without the TV on. We want to take a 
walk afterward, and not just to the car. 
We want to have only 12 channels to pick 
from—all in another language. We want 
to see French lovers making out in a park, 
even if we make fun of them. Because we 
want to believe we're still being romanced, 
even if we're a long way from that nerve- 
racking first date. And you should car 
because romance fuels us. When you've 
had a hard day, we make you dinner (or 
pick up a much better dinner on the way 
home), because we care about you. We 
want to make you feel good. And what 
makes you not just another lazy relative 
or co-worker who also depends on us is 
the fact that we chose each other. There 
was an undeniable romantic spark when 
we met, and sometimes we just need to 
be reminded of that. And as weird as it 
might seem to you, Europe helps remind 
us. Does it mean that after we get back 
home we have to cram into a lumpy twin 
bed and dry our clothes on the balcony? 
No, but we do get to bring home a little 
bit of our own fairy tale. For six days and 
seven nights, we get to be princesses and 
you get to be princes. So skip the beach 
vacation this year. Maybe you'll have to 
stand in a lot of long museum lines, but at 
least you won't get skin cancer. 


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| һауе а problem as old as 
time—or at least as old as best 
friends and their friends. А 
couple of months into his latest 
relationship, a buddy of mine is 
deeply embroiled in la-la land. 
I'm happy for him, but the 
problem is I can't stand being 
around his new girlfriend. ОҒ 
course I know the important 
thing is how they feel about 
each other. Still, I can't help but 
wonder if there's an acceptable 
way to say to him, "I miss seeing 
you without her." Or do I just wait 
until the honeymoon phase is 
over and he rediscovers his need 
for time away from his girlfriend? 
I've pretty much resigned myself 
to the latter, but is there an 
appropriate alternative?—T.W., 
Denver, Colorado 

The right and proper thing to do 
is respectfully let your pal revel in the 
early days of his new relationship— 
but don't write him off altogether. The 
quickest way to sour your friendship 
is to act needy. As a guy (yes, we're 
stereotyping here), you should know 
that’s a no-no. But so is distancing 
yourself from a friend just because 
you're jealous and can't handle his 
girlfriend. If you want to hang out, 
tell him you want to hang out, but 
definitely don’t say “without her.” You 
risk offending him and sounding like 
a jilted lover. Simply invite him for a 
guy's night out, which is unambigu- 
ous and uncreepy. If he takes you up 
on it, be prepared for the possibility 
that the night will include at least 
one story about how great his new 
girlfriend is. On the other hand, you 
might find he has been dying for a 
break. Either way, a true best friend 
will remain on his best behavior. 


What is more pleasurable for a 
woman: a straight penis or one | Ran 
that's curved? Гуе heard that 
one with a curve provides more 
pleasure and stimulation. Is 
there any truth to this?—T.H., 
Cambridge, Massachusetts 
Women who enjoy stimulation 


of the fabled G-spot might prefer a 


exist 


ADV 


Just how ident 
their bodie: 
size, shape and color агео 


know anecdotally that 


PLAYBOY 
SOR 


ale twins 
Do ident 


Do identical fe: 


have the same penis shape and size (both 
Reno, Nevada 
ical twins are not as i Газ previou: 


there а 


are identical twins in terms of 


having my husband lie on 
top of me. We both stay fully 
clothed and do nothing but lie 
in place. I like the pressure and 
get a little turned on by it; the 
fact that it is harder to breathe 
adds to my enjoyment. I enjoy 
squishing him as well but not as 
much as I enjoy being squished. 
Have you ever heard of this? 
Is there a name for it?—S.H., 
Newville, Pennsylvania 

We've heard of squashing but 
not squishing. Squashing is a fe- 
tish that most often involves men 
being laid on, sat on, partially suf- 
focated and so on by large women. 
What you describe sounds like a 
less intense version, and squishing 
seems like a good name for it. As- 
phyxiaphilia is the scientific term 
for liking squashing or squishing. 
Both involve some level of oxy- 
gen deprivation, which can cause 
а pleasurable light-headedness 
and rush of adrenaline. The most 
extreme—and dangerous—form of 
this is autoerotic asphyxiation (ac- 
tor David Carradine is one famous 
victim), so be careful. As good as 
adrenaline may feel in the mo- 
ment, living is much more fun in 
the long run. 


М, girlfriend just gave me 
some great-smelling cologne for 
my birthday. I want to get all the 
benefits of smelling good and 
attracting compliments. What is 
the best way to apply cologne?— 
ibodaux, Louisiana 
Sparingly. Spray a little on your 
index finger and then dab your 
wrists and neck, or mist the cologne 
into the air and walk through it. 
Some people think cologne should 
be detectable only when you're hug- 
ging the person wearing it, so if 


the carbon you're receiving compliments from 
ne genetic т strangers and colleagues, you're 
шепсез сал probably wearing too much—or 
characteris oo over time. But rece getting too close. 


t the DNA sequencing itself ca 
s. It’s highly unlikely fectly identic 
but please drop us a line if you can prove us wrong 


| recently started dating a girl 
who, I swear, fakes orgasms. 
They're what I would сай 


curved penis, as long as it curves 

upward; others might find it annoying. But 
generalizing about genitalia is a particularly 
male obsession. An informal poll of some of 
our female friends turned up responses rang- 
ing from "Absolutely. My last boyfriend's cock 
was curved, and I still miss it,” to “Never 
noticed,” to “You guys think we think about 
your dicks way more than we do.” Questions 
of length, width and angle aside, what matters 
in the end is what you do with it. 


When threading a belt through jeans, 
should I put it under or over the leather 
patch with the designer's name? The 
patch is left open on both ends, suggest- 


ing the belt should go under. Plus, put- 
ting it under doesn't cover up the maker's 
name.—R.B., Stamford, Connecticut 

We're sure that's the intention of the maker, 
but we think threading your belt under the 
label makes it look as though you buy clothes 
for the brand, not for the fit ала feel. It also 
interrupts the elegant horizontal line of the 
belt. If you want to do something useful with 
the space behind the patch, stash some extra 
cash in there; just remember to take it out 
before you wash your jeans. 


Ive recently discovered that I like to 
be squished by another person. I love 


“porn perfect": head thrown 
back, much shouting of “Oh God,” 
“Yes” and “Give it to me” followed by 
‘That was so good, baby.” She actually 
initiates sex more often than I do, so I 
don't want to jinx it and ask her if she's 
pretending. Why would she fake an 
orgasm and still want to have sex with 
me?—G.I., Madison, Wisconsin 

More women fake orgasms than you may 
realize. According to Planned Parenthood, as 
many as one out of three women has trouble 
experiencing orgasms during intercourse. A 
recent study published in the Archives of Sex- 
ual Behavior explored the motivations behind 
the faked orgasm by polling approximately 


43 


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400 women and determined they fake it for 
various reasons. In addition to the obvious 
“Lets get it over with” motivation, women fake 
it to overcome feelings of self-consciousness, to 
make a partner feel gratified and to increase 
their own arousal (a sort of fake-it-till-you- 
make-it approach), among other reasons. Men 
tend to obsess about the female orgasm. We 
suggest you take a journey-is-the-destination 
approach and appreciate the fact that you 
have a willing and able partner. 


| recently bought my first peacoat 
(admittedly having been influenced by 
Daniel Craig's James Bond). I find myself 
wanting to leave the bottom button 
undone, as Г do when wearing a suit 
jacket. What is the standard practice?— 
Т.К., Rapid City, South Dakota 

There is no standard practice. If you were 
so inclined, you could drape the coat over 
your shoulders like a cape, wear it off one 
shoulder like Napoleon, leave it open like a 
peddler of counterfeit watches or button it 
all the way up like a sailor on night watch. 
However, the method you describe is probably 
the safest bet; it keeps the coat closed with- 
out restricting movement. It also allows the 
jacket to flare just a bit at the bottom, creating 
a more flattering shape. By the way, if you 
want to have the real thing, the peacoat Dan- 
ісі Craig wears as Bond in Shyfall was made 
by American designer Billy Reid. 


A friend of mine recently went through 
a nightmare scenario in which he got 
a woman pregnant during a one-night 
stand. He swears he wore a condom and 
took all precautions. I used to feel con- 
fident with my condoms. Now, not so 
much.—S.I., Portland, Oregon 

We assume by “all precautions” you mean 
he used a condom that wasn’t past its expi- 
ration date, had been stored in a cool place 
(and not stuffed, unused and hopeful, into 
his wallet, thereby risking degradation), was 
from a package that didn't have a microtear 
(the unopened package should feel puffy, like 
an air-filled pillow, when squeezed) and was 
the right fit (snug but not too tight). Other 
precautions include squeezing the tip of the 
condom when putting it on so it’s free of air 
but has enough room for his semen; using lube 
to minimize friction and wear; withdrawing 
promptly after ejaculation but while still erect 
and while holding on to the condom at the 
base; and tying the condom off, throwing it 
away and thoroughly washing his hands. If 
your friend did all these things, the condom 
failure rate could be as low as one percent. 
If he didn't, the rate goes up, according to 
estimates, from 10 to 20 percent. Combin- 
ing a condom with other contraceptive meth- 
ods your partner can use, such as an IUD, a 
diaphragm or the pill, improves the odds of 
avoiding pregnancy. 


My wife of many years is normally а 
sedate and quiet person, but when we're 
making love she turns into something just 
short ofa screaming banshee. Her shriek- 
ing usually reaches a crescendo when she 


starts climaxing, and her very loud and 
often profane exhortations echo off the 
bedroom walls. It doesn’t bother me, but 
my wife is usually mortified after we've 
finished. At times my next-door neigh- 
bor has grinned at me knowingly. Do you 
think it's advisable to ask her to try to cool 
it, or should I keep my mouth shut and 
let her continue to enjoy herself—and 
continue to amuse the neighbors?—J.S., 
Carmel, California 

The fact that after many years of marriage 
you guys are still having eardrum-popping sex 
is to be commended. Even if you asked her to 
quiet down, we're not sure it would work—have 
you ever been able to control your orgasm face? 
To quote your wife, "Don't stop.” 


| just got a job in sales and need a respect- 
able but economical car to use when visit- 
ing clients. (It's time to graduate from 
the beater I've been driving since high 
school.) I know the kind of car I want, but 
it seems the price varies from dealer to 
dealer, and specials come and go. I don't 
want to get ripped off. How do I pro- 
tect myself and get the best deal?—J.B., 
Atlanta, Georgia 

Nobody is trying to rip you off. Car deal- 
erships survive on narrow margins. Know- 
ing what car you want is the first step; you're 
already past the emotional and vulnerable stage 
of shopping. The worst thing апу car buyer сап. 
do is visit a dealership and ask a salesperson for 
advice on which car to get. One easy way to get 
the best deal is to use Edmunds.com, a website 
that allows you to "build" the car you want with 
options and then send an e-mail blast query- 
ing multiple dealers in your азға. Dealers will 
e-mail you back if they have the model in stock. 
Work with several dealers at once, politely let- 
ting them know they're in competition, and ask 
them all the same three questions: What's the 
absolute lowest price below invoice you can 
give me? (If you're leasing, ask for the lowest 
capitalized cost.) What's the least I can put 
down? And what's the best interest rate you can 
offer? Keep all these numbers as low as possible 
and you'll get the best deal. Try to buy your car 
during the last week of the month, when deal- 
ers have greater incentive to move units. And 
don't fall for the “How much do you want to 
pay each month?" trick. Dealers can stretch a 
loan over many years to reduce your monthly 
payment, but you'll end up paying more in the 
long run. If you need to stretch the payments 
out for that long, you can't afford the car. Do 
all this work via e-mail, which creates a paper 
trail and avoids the trap of sitting in a dealer- 
ship. Using these methods, a friend of ours 
actually talked a dealer into delivering the car 
straight to his office. 


For answers to reasonable questions relating 
to food and drink, fashion and taste, and sex 
and dating, write the Playboy Advisor, 9346 
Civic Center Drive, Beverly Hills, California 
90210, or e-mail advisor@playboy.com, The 
most interesting and pertinent questions will 
be presented in these pages each month. 


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Y TASCHEN 


EFORUME 


Surveillance dilemma Too sexy to be sensual Tesla unplugged 


ASK ZELDA 


The National Security Agency really does have an advice 
columnist. Her name is Zelda. Since we are in urgent 
need of guidance, we address this letter to her 


BY ILIJA TROJANOW 


ear Zelda, 

When I was a kid, our apart- 

ment in Sofia, Bulgaria was 

bugged. The secret service 

listened in on all conver- 
sations within our ex- 
tended family. When I 
recently read through the 
transcripts—accessible 
after a long civil rights 
struggle—it struck me 
how suspicious even 
the most banal remarks 
seemed. It is as difficult 
to remain innocent under 
surveillance as it is to stay 
relaxed in front of a camera. Surveil- 
lance and suspicion are twins. The most 
innocent of conversations—one about 
socks, for example—was underlined and 


Reality always 
complies with 
our sensible 


paranoia. 


commented on by the officer in charge. 
Evidently, if the suspects have decided 
to talk about socks, they are either hid- 
ing something or using coded language. 
Reality always complies with our own 
sensible paranoia. 

Admittedly, my dear 
Zelda, this happened 
in a totalitarian (Com- 
munist) state, one not 
directly comparable to 
your profoundly demo- 
cratic institution—but 
you сап see where I'm 
going with this. If you 
are such a firm believer 
in total surveillance (as was the Com- 
munist secret service), why not go all the 
way and organize the surveillance of the 
surveillants? If you so thoroughly trust 


ILLUSTRATIONS BY JUSTIN PAGE 


READER 
RESPONSE 


TIPS ON SNIPS? 


Nancy L. Cohen cites some 
victories and defeats іп “Тһе 
War on Sex" (September), but. 
she leaves out a significant 
continuing loss in the wider 
war on sex: circumcision. Most 
American men have suffered 
from this forced penile- 
reduction surgery, but one 
hears nothing about it from. 
the erstwhile men's rights 
movement. 

"The Victorian era's fixation 
on sex as original sin faced the 
dilemma that eliminating sex 
would also eliminate human 
reproduction. The solution: 


IE WAR ON SEX 


Take the pleasure out of sex 
and limit its duration via 
circumcision. John Harvey 
Kellogg, an early proponent of 
circumcision, was a bit easier on 
girls, prescribing the application 
of phenol (carbolic acid) to the 
clitoris. For boys he advocated 
a tight circumcision without 
anesthetic for "salutary effect," 
though it would cause both 
immediate trauma and pain 
during erections over a lifetime. 
Тһе procedure was promoted 


47 


48 


FORUM 


Y 
READER RESPONSE 


as а way to protect boys from 
insanity caused by masturbation, 
but it impacted all men and 
their partners (who were treated 
to the sensation of being poked 
with a broomstick). Genital 
mutilation has a continuing 
direct, pervasive and negative 
bearing on the sex lives of both 
men and women. What is the 
Playboy Philosophy doing to 
liberate them? 

Jon Willand 

Minneapolis, Minnesota 


In the July 1964 issue Hef devotes 
ап entire installment of the Playboy 
Philosophy to repudiating Kellogg's 
book, Plain Facts for Old and 
Young, which contains, among other 
ideas, misguided advice on using 
circumcision to curb sex drive. The 
Philosophy contains no specific 
guidance on circumcision, but 
Hef's opinion of Kellogg is clear: 
"He knew a good deal more about 
cornflakes than sex." 


DOULA RIGHT THING 

I was surprised to pick up m 
INE April OUS Es find 
а story on women's rights issues 
(“Born to Lose”). Thank you and 
Rachel R. White for the article 
on prison doulas. I had no idea 
women who give birth in U.S. 
prisons face these injustices. I hope 
Isis Rising can find the funding it. 
needs to continue its work. 


Mary Rogers 
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. 


IF THESE WALLS COULD TALK: THE NSA SHOULDN'T 
BE EXEMPT FROM ITS OWN SURVEILLANCE. 


paranoia, let's start distrusting everyone 
and everything, including you and your 
agency. If control is your ideal, control- 
ling you would be the fulfillment of your 
own aspirations. Actually, your modus 
operandi (secrecy, evasiveness) strongly 
suggests you have some- 
thing to hide, which in 
turn suggests you are 
guilty. (This is the first law 
of intelligence.) Surely 
you will agree that ай 
your colleagues should 
be monitored on a 24/7 
basis, that cameras should 
be installed in every 
cubicle and office, that all 
internal communications 
should be inspected and 
stored. I fear this may 
not be enough, for as you 
well know, evil lurks in 
every crevice of the devi- 
ous mind. We should mo- 
tivate everyone working at your noble 
institution to inform us of any suspicious 
behavior by his or her colleagues. Those 
who fulfill their duties with exceptional 
fervor are to be trusted least, as there 
is no better camouflage than perfec- 
tion. (How many killers have led model 
lives?) Come to think of it, we will all be 
safe only when everyone is a snitch. The 


Those who ful- 

fill their duties 

with fervor are 
to betrusted 


least, as there 
isno better 


camouflage 
than perfection. 


potential control of each against all is as 
perfect a structure of security as the sys- 
tem of mutually assured destruction. 

I don't need to tell you this, because 
you already know it, but I was an out- 
Spoken activist for digital civil rights. In 
2009 I wrote a book against mass sur- 
veillance and the invasion of privacy. 
In spring 2012, the U.S. consulate in 
Munich did not issue me 
а visa that would have 
allowed me to teach at 
Washington University in 
St. Louis. The university 
protested, and the visa 
was finally issued, but 
the semester had already 
begun. On September 30 
I was denied boarding 
on a flight from Brazil to 
Miami, even though all 
my papers were in order. 
This was a blatantly illegal 
act. No reasons were ever 
given, and after a storm of 
protest I was allowed into 
the U.S. last November to 
speak in New York with PEN American 
Center, a nonprofit organization dedica- 
ted to defending freedom of expression. 

Dearest Zelda, I have seen the light, 
but I need further guidance. Most peo- 
ple still dwell in the land of darkness. 
They are ignorant, petty-minded and 
eager to indulge in spurious discus- 
sions about whether the instruments 


and breadth of surveillance аге justi- 
fied. They shy away from the liberating 
realization that only complete and all- 
encompassing surveillance guarantees 
freedom and democracy. 
How can we open their 
eyes? Some people exag- 
gerate the negative effects 
of surveillance despite it 
having been proved that 
no one has been harmed, 
though even schoolchil- 
dren know there is no 
such thing as a victimless 
crime. How do we refute 
these ridiculous claims? 

Authors, my dearest 
Zelda, are particularly 
immune to common 
sense. According to a re- 
cent survey by PEN America, only 16 
percent of writers surveyed have con- 
sciously begun to avoid certain suspi- 
cious topics in their personal conversa- 
tions, e-mails and writing. It's difficult 
to fathom that hardly one sixth of the 
writers in question are willing to rec- 
tify their professional practice for the 
common good. (There is hope, how- 
ever, as another sixth have seriously 
considered doing so.) How is it possible 
that writers, who make their living by 
prying into other people's lives, fail to 


How is it 


possible that 
writers fail to 


understand 
the beauty of 
omnipresent 
surveillance? 


understand the mystical beauty of om- 
nipresent surveillance? It leads to self- 
censorship, they claim. Well, of course it 
does, but that is the only humane form 
of censorship. Does it not 
safeguard individual au- 
tonomy? Would they pre- 
fer to have someone else 
rummage through their 
thoughts? They need to 
start thinking outside 
the box: Being brave not 
only means rescuing a 
drowning swimmer from 
the sea tides or bombing 
ferocious tribesmen with 
drones; it can also mean 
refraining from writing 
certain articles, voicing 
particular opinions, sign- 
ing various petitions. I fear that artists 
are not good at downsizing their egos, 
even when they feel the authorities 
breathing down their digital necks. They 
need to be coerced into cooperation, or 
they will continue to coo irresponsibly. 

Control is freedom. 

Detection is protection. 

Suspicion is our mission. 


THE FAILURE OF MODERN EROTICISM 


ur era has witnessed the demise of a cer 
tain number of ridiculous taboo 
e becoming ridiculou 
'J—which had impo 
on dott al character- 
istics, on bodies, on nudity. And yet it still produces a 
shock whenever this ban is transgressed, as though it 
lin force. Images with a (more or less explicit 
erotic meaning, or simply the displ 
body, are violently attractive, The exce 
such images in advertising h 
have on 


е may conclude that th 
nd to something profound. Displays of s 
nudity br ryday 
the sense of a break, which peopl 
reading, shows, etc. On p. n shi 


Ж for in leisure 
windows, on 


the covers of magazines, in films, everywhere there 
are unclothed women. It is a kind of escapism that 
from с 
This sexuality is depressing, t 
wearying, mechanical. There is nothing really sensual 
in this unbridled sexuality, and that is probably its 
most profound снага ели this point of vie 
we will not criticize eroticism for being immoral, or im 
modest, or corruptin etc, We leave that to 
other people. What we will criticize "modern" eroti 
cism for lack of genuine sensuality, a sensuality 
norm 
and fulfillment. № 


the one-volume edition of Henri Lefebvre's 
ryday Life, publi May by Verso. 


Excerpted fra 
Critique a 


Forum Ë] 


¥ 
READER RESPONSE 


CIVIL LIBERTIES, 
CYBERWORRIES 


A cyberattack that shuts down or 
even just renders unreliable the 
U.S. power grid, transportation 
systems, banking network 

and more could create serious 
problems, at least until we 
(presumably) regained control 
(“Тһе New 9/11,” November). 


citywide, regional or even national. 
Significant societal disruption 
could be achieved without 
immediate physical casualties. 
Cyberwarfare is not an existential 
threat like nuclear war, but that 
doesn't mean it couldn't wreak 
temporary havoc. So much of 
how we live and what we do today 
depends on readily available, 
interconnected electronic 
systems that we have made more 
vulnerable in the name of ease 
and convenience. Chip Rowe 
suggests that calls for action to 
prepare against hacker attacks 
"will continue to be used as an 
excuse for questionable domestic 
surveillance." I agree that we must 
guard against the widespread and 
routine curtailment of privacy 
and constitutionally guaranteed 
freedoms in the name of 
preventing low-probability worst- 
case scenarios. We've had enough 
of that already, to the point that 
we're undermining the freedoms 
we're supposedly protecting. 
Stephen Schwartz 
Wilmette, Illinois 


EJ Forum 


Y 


READER RESPONSE 


TEMPERATURES RISING 


Climate change is real and 
happening. Publishing letters 
from people who deny it is not 
only damaging but also unethical 
(Reader Response, January/ 
February). Such opinions do 

not deserve space in one of the 
world’s best magazines. 


Cain Sands 
Concord, California 


We have all put ourselves on 
the bandwagon for one cause 
or another. Mine, years ago, 
was clean air. I knew back in the 
Smokey and the Bandit days there 
was something wrong with all the 
black smoke I saw pouring out of 
the trucks on the road. Today this 
is just about nonexistent because 
of clean-air standards. Later, as 
I fished waterways across north 
and central Florida, I became 
concerned about clean water. 
What I cannot grasp is people 
who still preach the theory of 
global warming. I want to think 
I have read my share of material 
on this over the years. Jerome 
Cragle wants us to believe that 
anyone who doesn't jump on the 
global-warming bandwagon is a 
Pollyanna (Reader Response, April). 
Being a Pollyanna today does not 
mean you're uninformed. Being 
an alarmist on this subject might 
have helped win converts in the 
1970s but not today. 

David Dangler 

Jacksonville, Florida. 


Science is science. The final report from 
the UN's Intergovernmental Panel 
оп Climate Change says, “In recent 
decades, changes in climate have caused 
impacts on natural and human systems 
on all continents and across the oceans.” 


HYPOCRISY 


According to conservatives, government regulation is 
bad. But not when political donors are involved 


BY SHANE MICHAEL SINGH 


hen New Jersey gov- 

ernor Chris Christie 

spoke this spring at the 

Conservative Political 

Action Conference, 
he attacked Obamacare as an example of 
big government “trying to control the free 
market." He also took a jab 
at Senate majority leader 
Harry Reid, saying Reid, 
who has lambasted the 
Koch brothers for donat- 
ing millions to conservative 
causes, “should get back to 
work and stop picking on 
great Americans creating 
great things in our coun- 
try.” A week later, Gover- 
nor Christie banned Elon 
Musk from selling Teslas in 
New Jersey. 

The ban is the result of new language 
adopted by the New Jersey Motor Vehicle 
Commission that requires car manufac- 
turers to procure a franchise agreement if 
they want to sell in the state. The problem 
is that Tesla, founded in 2003, doesn't sell 
its $60,000 luxury electric cars through 


The law 
protects 
the existing 
market by 
eliminating 
competition. 


franchises. The company operates on a 
direct-to-consumer model, requiring cus- 
tomers to buy their cars online. Although 
the new language was adopted in March, 
Christie said the regulation—purported to 
protect consumers from manufacturers— 
was always on the books and blamed Tesla 
for skirting the law. 

But the law doesn't pro- 
tect consumers. It protects 
the existing market—that is, 
of gas-powered cars and the 
franchises that sell them— 
by eliminating competition. 
In defending it, Christie 
joins other conservative pol- 
iticians who promote free 
markets while using regu- 
lation to protect industries 
close to home. Texas, for 
example, has also banned 
Tesla, even though the state is rife with pol- 
iticians who oppose government regula- 
tion of businesses. And when it comes to its 
farmers, Texas is the biggest welfare state. 
Between 1995 and 2012, farmers there 
raked in $27 billion in federally funded 
farm subsidies—more than any other state. 


Despite the booming online market, 
11 states still banned direct-to-consumer 
liquor sales in 2012. Nine are red states, 
including Mississippi, Alabama and 
Florida, which all benefit from federal 
subsidies. And Arizona governor Jan 
Brewer, who bills herself as a free-market 
advocate, denounced EPA regulation of 
Arizona power plants, calling it too costly 
for local businesses and “poor public 
policy.” Yet Arizona too has banned Tesla. 

Thus far, Tesla has benefited from 
President Obama's promise to get 1 mil- 
lion electric cars on the road by 2015— 
but it is the only all-electric-car company 
to do so. The California start-up Coda 
went bankrupt last year after failing to 
secure capital, as did Fisker, which was 
backed by the government but defaulted 
on sales goals. Now Tesla's biggest threat. 
isn't the lack of sales or capital (the com- 
pany is worth $30 billion); it’s auto lob- 
byists who, threatened by a new major 
player, buy market protection from 
politicians. A super PAC of 
auto retailers in New Jer- 
sey spent $155,000 lobby- 
ing for the Tesla ban. 

Elon Musk says һе 
couldn't sell Teslas in deal- 
erships. Dealers would push 
gas cars before Musk's ve- 
hicles. And Chevy, BMW, 
Honda and Nissan dealerships would be 
reluctant to stock Teslas, since each manu- 
facturer has its own electric car. 

Such red tape undermines not just the 
free market but also innovation and (һе 


CRUEL AND 


Thousands 

of people are 
serving life in 
prison without 
parole for 
nonviolent offenses 


ccording to a report published 
last fall by the American Civil 
liberties Union, 3,278 people in 


the U.S. have been sentenced to life in prison 
with no chance of parole for committing 
nonviolent crimes. Some will die behind 
bars for siphoning gas from a truck, stealing 

а bagged lunch or possessing an ounce of 
‘weed. Most of these people are first-time 
drug offenders-79 percent are locked up. 
for nonviolent drug crimes. 

The LWOP movement grew out of the war 
оп drugs, largely through three-strikes and other 


Tesla’s biggest 


threat is auto 
lobbyists. 


HOW COULD AN AMERICAN AUTOMAKER BE A VICTIM 
ОЕ GOVERNOR CHRISTIE'S LAISSEZ-FAIRE POLICIES? 


greater mission to become less reliant on 
oil. Although one lawmaker in New Jer- 
sey introduced an amendment exempt- 

ing electric-car companies 
from the ban days before it 
took effect, it shouldn't be 
necessary. Banning online 
sales of electric cars doesn't. 
jibe with Republicans’ 
compulsory attacks on big 
government. Instead, it 
exemplifies how conser- 
vative free-market politics is not always 
absolute. Perhaps Governor Christie апа 
other pro-business leaders should leave 
the markets alone and stop picking on 
American companies. п 


habitual-offender laws that man- 
date life sentences. State legislators who. 

want to appear tough on críme— always an easy 
мау to impress constituents pass punitive laws 
that put a lot of people in jail. From 1930 to 1975 
the average incarceration rate in the U.S. was 106 
per 100,000 adults. Between 1975 and 2011 the 
rate rose to 743 per 100,000 adults. 

The number of people sentenced to life 
without parole went from 12,453 in 1992 to 
49,081 in 2012. Thisisan American phenomenon, 

as only one in five countries worldwide has LWOP 
sentences of any sort. Another peculiarly American 
fact is that 65 percent of nonviolent offenders 
serving life without parole are black. 

Judges and prison wardens are no fans of 
these laws. More than eight out of 10 LWOP 
Sentences are mandatory, the sentencing judges 
have no choice but to send offenders up the river. 

The ACLU estimates that eliminating non- 
violent offenses from state and federal LWOP stat- 

utes would save taxpayers $1.78 billion. I 


FORUM 


¥ 


READER RESPONSE 


NIGHTLY HOLIDAYS 


Jonathan Crary considers sleep a 
casualty of modern life in a world 
ruled by capitalist ideology, and I 
can't disagree (“Sleepers Awake,” 
March). In America especially, 
we scorn the (mostly European) 
nations where vacation days are 
plentiful, retirement is early and 
pensions aren't penurious. What is 
sleep but an unpaid daily holiday? 
Like the waxing and waning of 
daylight, all this is part of a cycle. 
Whatever DARPA has cooking to 
keep our soldiers alert and fighting 
fit for weeks on end—and however 
enthusiastically we guzzle energy 
drinks or pop Adderall—the 
chemical replacements for sleep 
are sure to remain, physiologically, 
pale imitations of the real thing. As 
with the workers who staged armed 
revolts in the 19th and early 20th 
centuries to win a 60-hour, six-day 
workweek (and then 40 hours and 
a two-day weekend), something will 
eventually have to give. 


SLEEPERS AWAKE 


Perhaps someday, when the 
torrent of hyperconvenient art and 
culture starts to suffer against our 
recollection of the billion viral hits 
that have come before, and after 
a generation reaches an age when 
they wonder what they have to 
show for all the times they've woken 
up at two лм. to check their e-mail, 
the bloom will be off the rose. 
Maybe we'll be back in the streets, 
chanting for eight hours of sleep. 

Andy Grimm 
Gary, Indiana 
E-mail letters @playboy.com. 
Or write 9346 Civic Center Drive, 
Beverly Hills, California 90210. 


51 


48 kU 
В 828 mA 
B 26 ¿T 
16 NS 


THERE'S NOTHING INSIDE BUT 
100% WEBER BLUE AGAVE. 


A A28 mA 48 KUA 26 


T 16 NS 


ums. МАН HILL 


A candid conversation with the comic star turned dramatic actor about his 
career transformation, dealing with fame and that unhygienic orgy scene 


Jonah Hill could still be buying hooker boots 
at an eBay store right now. A decade ago, 
with that one-minute scene in The 40-Year- 
Old Virgin, he launched a career in bro com- 
edies that could have kept him fed like Henry 
VIII on chronic for years to come. Instead, the 
party-hearty star of Knocked Up and Super- 
bad went from being confused with his friend 
Seth Rogen to being acclaimed as the toothi- 
est aide-de-camp in Hollywood. With a set of 
fake choppers and a thing for quaaludes op- 
posite Leonardo DiCaprio in last year's The 
Wolf of Wall Street, Hill made his sleazy 
stockbroker look almost glam. He didn’t actu- 
ally swallow that poor goldfish, but he earned 
an Oscar nod—and for SAG minimum 
wage, no less (that's how much he wanted to 
work with Martin Scorsese). As with his other 
nominated role, as a numbers-crunching 
baseball savant opposite Brad Pitt in 20115 
Moneyball, Hill turned a sidekick part into 
a dramatic showcase, an escape from being 
typecast in dude comedies. 

Now 30, Hill is getting wacky again 
in 22 Jump Street, the sequel to the 2012 
action-comedy remake that shocked virtu- 
ally everyone—save Hill and his produc- 
ing partners—with its hilarious premium 
content. The original, also co-starring 


“Тат not the kind of actor who just wanted to 
do comedy. But I also didn't want to make just 
heavy movies. It happened that I had success in 
comedy early on. But I certainly knew I wanted 
to do more, to try different things.” 


Channing Tatum, grossed more than 
$200 million around the world. 

Born Jonah Hill Feldstein in Los Angeles 
on December 20, 1983, Hill never looked 
much like a movie star. (He's short, with 
weight that bounces from pudgy to off the 
charts.) His parents, both from Long Island, 
moved to L.A. to work on the outskirts of 
showbiz—his dad is a business manager; his 
mother did costume design. But it was Hill's 
big personality that made him popular with 
his well-heeled classmates at the elite Cross- 
roads School, whose alums include Gwyneth 
Paltrow, Kate Hudson and Jack Black. In an 
office not far from there, Hill later joined Judd 
Apatows troupe of brilliant misfit clowns for 
what was merely act one of the actor's career 
ascendancy. Movies such as Forgetting Sarah 
Marshall and Get Him to the Greek were fun, 
but a turnaround came when Hill played a 
malapropos тата? boy in Cyrus, proving he 
could really act. Since then it’s been A-list all 
the way for the guy who once dressed as a hot 
dog and yelled, "Ask me about my wiener!" in 
a comedy called Accepted. 

Contributing Editor David Hochman, 
who interviewed Zappos CEO Tony Hsieh 
last month, spent time with Hill in Beverly 
Hills. “Jonah sometimes comes across on- 


"I'm happy with the шау I ат. I have a good 
time. I feel healthy. You can ask whatever you 
want, but my weight is an unimportant part of 
any discussion about me. I would alter myself 
for any character I really wanted to play.” 


screen as a laid-back Winnie-the-Pooh type, 
says Hochman, “but make no mistake—he's 
intense, shrewd and unrelenting in getting 
exactly what he wants, and he wants а lot.” 


PLAYBOY: After the acclaim for The Wolf of 
Wall Street, why go back and do a goofy 
comedy sequel like 22 Jump Street? 

HILL: Гуе never made a sequel before, 
and I didn't think I ever would. But I 
always say I should be scared of every- 
thing I'm doing. If things get too easy, 
that's a problem. The fear with 22 Jump 
Street was how to make a good sequel and 
make fun of ourselves for even attempt- 
ing to make a sequel. Especially when 
that sequel is based on a remake of a 
cheesy 1980s show. 

PLAYBOY: What was the solution? 

HILL: The solution was to be self-aware 
from the get-go; 22 Jump Street is a se- 
quel about how ridiculous sequels usu- 
ally are. Nick Offerman's character says 
it outright: "Second missions are always 
bigger and worse than first missions." 
It's usually just Hollywood people ma 
ing a cash grab and throwing money 
around to make it ballsier and louder 
than the first. By saying that out loud, 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY MICHAEL MULLER 


“Every significant event or series of events has 
an impact on a person’s evolution, but I don't 
view myself as any different from who I was 
before. The only thing that's embarrassing is if 
I'm out with friends and the attention is on me.” 


53 


PLAYBOY 


54 


we're letting people in on what we were 
thinking behind the scenes. 

I spent five years working on the 
first Jump Street with the writer, Michael 
Bacall, and the directors, Phil Lord and 
Chris Miller, and then we had about 
eight months to start making the second 
one. It's like what happens with a lot of 
bands. They have their whole lives to put 
into that first album, the album's a hit, 
and then they have to make another one 
right away. But I think people are going 
to love this movie. 

PLAYBOY: Schmidt and Jenko are now in 
college—at the age of 30. 
HILL: Yeah, they go undercover as fresh- 
men so they can bust up a drug ring at 
a fraternity. Frankly, a lot of the story 
is about what I've been going through 
lately. Many people want to see me 
as a 24-year-old guy, but I'm 30 and 
changing a lot. Also, the idea of being 
in a relationship when things change 
drastically—that's kind of the big theme 
of the film. For our characters, it's like 
they go to college with their hometown 
honey, and then Channing realizes it's a 
big wide world out there. Was he with 
me because we were in a small pond, or 
does he really dig me? It's a bit of the 
seven-year itch. 

You get smacked around quite 
one. 
HILL: It’s interesting, because before the 
first Jump Street, ГА never made an ас- 
tion movie. It's such a wild process. You 
don't just do the scene. You have to wait 
for things to actually blow up. We were 
trying to expand this movie to make it 
bigger, and that's where Channing made 
a huge difference since he's done so 
much action before. 
PLAYBOY: What was your toughest stunt? 
ніш: Hanging from a helicopter or 
hanging off the side of a moving truck 
is physically challenging, but just the 
whole nature of those scenes is intense. 
When you're standing on a rooftop with 
a helicopter floating 10 feet above your 
head, it seems like a bad fucking idea. 
We were shooting in Puerto Rico that 
day and heard M16 gunshots, and they 
weren't coming from us. That's a day I 
won't forget. 
PLAYBOY: You survived. 
HILL: Г never got hurt, thankfully. The 
only thing I was in pain from was Chan- 
ning between scenes. He does this thing 
where he grabs part of your leg right 
above your knee. He's one of the stron- 
gest human beings on the face of the 
earth, and when he starts squeezing that 
pressure point, it's literally incapacitat- 
ing. It's like being hit by a stun gun, and 
it gives him nothing but pure evil joy. 
PLAYBOY: You've been called *the ulti- 
mate wingman." Is that a compliment 
or а curse? 
HILL: I'm sure I could find a way to be of- 
fended by that, but it's like anything else. 
If it's not coming from a close friend or 
someone in my family, it doesn't mean 


much to me. If the question is whether 
it's an insult to be in movies with amaz- 
ing actors like Leo and Channing and 
Brad and Michael Cera and all the rest, 
and supporting what they're doing, then 
it’s a total compliment. I make these 
movies because I get to work with these 
people who have become my friends. 
PLAYBOY: There's a fearlessness in your 
approach to acting. You don't hesitate to 
let it all hang out, whether it’s the crack- 
smoking scene in The Wolf of Wall Street 
or getting smacked with an octopus in 
22 Jump Street. Are you that fearless in 
real life? 

HILL: I think about that all the time, and 
the answer is no. A lot of actors live their 
lives like they live their art. As a creative 
person, you can have no boundaries. I 
don’t live like that. I use my work to get 
out any of the crazy things I want to do 
in real life so I can act like a normal per- 
son the rest of the time. I get to see what 
it's like to be a cokehead stockbroker or 
an undercover cop for six months. I'm 
lucky. You don't have to go there and 
ruin your life, but you can still sce what 
someone wants from that sort of experi- 


A lot of actors live their lives 
like they live their art. I use 
my work to get out amy of the 
crazy things I want to do so I 
can act like a normal person 
the rest of the time. 


ence, what it leads to, what life lessons 
are to be learned. 

PLAYBOY: The Wolf of Wall Street was up 
for five Academy Awards, including your 
nomination. Were you shocked when 
the movie got shut out? 

HILL: Not really. Thelma Schoonmaker, 
who edits all of Scorsese's films and is one 
of my all-time heroes, wrote me an e-mail 
the day of the Oscars, saying we prob- 
ably weren't going to anything. But 
she also said the nicest thing, which was 
that, either way, my performance is go- 
ing to stand the test of time. That meant 
so much to me, because this woman cut 
Raging Bull, Goodfellas and Casino. The 
Oscars aren't the most reliable measure, 
when you think about it. The year Good- 
fellas was nominated, it lost to Dances 
With Wolves. No disrespect to Dances With 
Wolves, but which movie do you remem- 
ber most all these years later? Movies 
like Goodfellas were the ones that made 
me want to get into movies in the first 
place, so how could I be disappointed 
in any way with The Wolf of Wall Street? 
Т had the best experience I've ever had 
in my life. I got to work with Leo, who's 


probably the finest actor of his genera- 
tion. I know Martin Scorsese. He knows 
my name. We talk to each other, and he 
was happy with my performance. I'm an 
incredibly fortunate guy. 

PLAYBOY: You earned $60,000 for the role, 
but somebody must have slipped you an 
envelope full of cash afterward, right? 
HILL: Nope. Nothi I just really 
wanted to do the movie. I said, "I'll take 
whatever you'll pay me if we can just 
sign the contract." 

PLAYBOY: Did you get to keep the pros- 
thetic schlong from the movie? That 
scene alone, of you whipping it out and 
masturbating at a Long Island pool 
party, makes it a Scorsese classic. 

ніш: That was a super crazy scene and hi- 
larious to watch. I had to give that baby 
back, but I do have my character's teeth in 
a safe. I usually keep one item from each 
movie. I have a baseball bat from Money- 
ball. From Superbad 1 have the Western 
shirt my character wore. From Jump Street 
I have the bike-cop uniform. They're rel- 
ics of all the crazy good times in my life. 
PLAYBOY: Can you pinpoint the moment 
you became famous? 

HiLL: The day Superbad came out, Michael 
Cera and I bought a newspaper. I still 
have it because it was the day we couldn't 
walk around together anymore. One day 
before, we could walk near my apart- 
ment in the Fairfax area of Los Angeles 
and nobody would talk to us. Then all 
of a sudden it was insane, and it pretty 
much hasn't stopped. 

PLAYBOY: Would you have done anything 
differently? 

HILL: Well, no, but you have to under- 
stand that I was young. I was 23 when 
Superbad came out, and it was just a 
shock to the system. At this point I've 
had about seven years to acclimate, but 
then it was just crazy. Luckily I have the 
same friends I've had this whole time. 
PLAYBOY: You ended up working with 
many of them repeatedly in Judd 
Apatow's movies. What was your first 
meeting with Judd like? 

HILL: It was at the audition for The 40-Year- 
Old Virgin at Universal. It was only for a 
one-line part, but I was fucking intimi- 
dated. І remember I brought my lucky 
copy of Steve Martin's Cruel Shoes with 
me, and Judd was like, “Oh shit, that's 
my favorite book.” Then we just started 
improvising. It was that scene where I'm 
a customer in an eBay store and just can't 
understand the concept of an eBay store. 
PLAYBOY: For a while it looked as though 
you weren't going to make any mov- 
ies without Apatow. Did you feel like a 
cheating husband when you finally left 
the Frat Pack? 

HILL: If anything, I was fearful to leave 
and do other things, because that was 
basically all I knew—Virgin, Knocked Up, 
Superbad, Sarah Marshall, Funny People. 
Judd is obviously brilliant, and I owe my 
career to him, but I realized there are all 
sorts of other brilliant people out there. 


PLAYBOY: Do you think that crew is еп- 
vious of your success in genres beyond 
comedy? Is Seth Rogen going, "Hey, 
why isn't Sc se calling me?" 

HILL: I could not even answer that ques- 
tion. Seriously, everyone I started out 
with is doing great, and we're all good 
friends. I think Seth and Evan Goldberg 
have found what they're brilliant at as 
filmmakers. Jason Segel is playing David 
Foster Wallace in a film. Paul Rudd 
is playing Ant-Man for Marvel. And 
Michael Cera, that guy is phenomenal. 
If anything, his greatest achievement is 
still to come and it's going to be hall of 
fame. He's just not putting out as much 
work as the other guys. I think everyone 
creates his own path. 

PLAYBOY: How much of your road to suc- 
cess was calculated effort versus luck? 
HILL: It's probably a combination of a 
ton of factors. I am not the kind of actor 
who just wanted to do comedy, first of. 
all. But I also didn't want to make just 
heavy movies. It happened that I had 
success in comedy early on in my career. 
Maybe the people watching those movies 
thought that’s all I could do, but I cer- 
tainly knew I wanted to do more, to try 
different things. 

After Superbad came out, I didn't want 
to act in a bunch of movies that felt ex- 
actly the same, so I wrote some samples 
and got hired to write for Sacha Baron 
Cohen. He's a brilliant comedian, and I 
learned a tremendous amount. I was still 
getting offered parts similar to Superbad, 
so I waited, and then Cyrus came along, 
which changed the course of my career. 
I knew that was the kind of movie I 
wanted to do. I just didn't know if peo- 
ple were going to let me do it. 

PLAYBOY: Your character in Cyrus is a 
20-something kid who's inappropriately 
close to his hot single mom, played by 
Marisa Tomei. The movie gets both 
funny and creepy as Cyrus begins to sab- 
otage her sex life. Is it true you turned 
down The Hangover to do Cyrus? 

HILL: Transformers, The Hangover, yeah. 
Those films ended up doing incredible 
things for the people associated with 
them, but it wasn't where I was headed. 
Cyrus felt like it really challenged me. 
PLAYBOY: Did it hurt turning down the 
big money? 

HILL: Гуе never done anything for mon- 
cy. And luckily I was young enough and 
idealistic enough to not think about be- 
ing a rich guy. I cared so much about 
the work I was putting out, and it did 
eventually pay off. Bennett Miller saw 
an early cut of Cyrus, which is why he 
cast me in Moneyball. He talks now 
about what a huge backlash he got for 
casting me opposite Brad Pitt, since 1 
had done only comedies before. But to 
Bennett's credit, he stuck with what he 
believed in and was able to see what I 
was capable of. 

PLAYBOY: Whenever someone gets to a 
certain level, people inevitably try to 


cut that person down. Last year you 
lost your cool during a Rolling Stone in- 
terview. Suddenly it was “Jonah Hill's a 
jerk” and worse. You bristled at inquiries 
about masturbation, farting and your 
workout routine, saying, “Being in a 
funny movie doesn't make me have to 
answer dumb questions. It has nothing 
to do with who I am." 

HILL: Га say very clearly I was going 
through a really hardcore personal 
experience and I shouldn't have been 
doing an interview that day. It was 
combined, I felt, with the reporter not 
being nice or respectful and I in turn 
acted unkind and disrespectful, and I 
regret it. In the future, I probably would 
just stay home on a day like that. 
PLAYBOY: How has fame changed you? 
HILL: Every significant event or series of 
events has an impact on a person's evo- 
lution, but I don't view myself as any dif- 
ferent from who I was before. The only 
thing that's embarrassing is if I'm out 
for one of my friends' or family mem- 
bers' birthday and the attention is on 
me. But I know how it goes. Growing 
up out here, whenever I would sit next 


Adam Levine has been there 
for me and my family more 
than anyone else and, in a 
deeper way, more than anyone 
Гое ever met in my life. That 
guy has all my love and respect. 


to an actor I would always get a story 
out of it. I would need something to tell 
my friends. 

PLAYBOY: What was your life like grow- 
ing up? 

HILL: We had a very inviting house here 
in L.A. My folks still live there. I would 
have friends over all the time. I also 
spent tons of time at my friends’ houses. 
For someone who ends up being an ac- 
tor, I think the advantage of growing up 
in Los Angeles is the industry is such a 
tangible thing. My dad always says that 
even if you're a dentist out here, you're 
the dentist to John Travolta or whoever. 
PLAYBOY: Your father was the accountant 
and business manager for Guns N’ Roses 
and other big names. You must have met 
a ton of celebrities as a kid. 

HILL: Not really. I mean, he was the busi- 
ness manager for Cleavon Little, who I 
was blown away to meet because he was 
in Blazing Saddles, which I was obsessed 
with. He came to our house for dinner 
and I just sat there with my jaw hanging 
open. He was a really sweet, great guy 
who, sadly, passed away. But no, I never 
met Axl Rose as far as I remember. I don't 


think rock stars really want to hang out 
with their accountant's kids very much. 
PLAYBOY: Your childhood best friend grew 
up to be a rock star. Did you and Adam 
Levine have lemonade stands together? 
ніш: We did everything kids do. We'd 
watch movies, play basketball, skate- 
board around and stuff like that. Listen, 
Adam was like family, and he still is. His 
dad and my dad were best friends since 
junior high and college roommates, and 
our moms are best friends. We knew 
Adam had incredible talent. I mean, his 
voice sounded like it does now when he 
was 16. He also has a unique voice and 
clearly was meant to be on stage in front 
of 20,000 people. But I don't see him as 
a rock star. He's just a great person to 
me. It's hard to know what the public 
perception of someone is once they get 
famous, but I can tell you this: Adam has 
been there for me and my family, and 
his family has been there for my family 
more than anyone else and, in a deeper 
way, more than anyone I've ever met in 
my life. So that guy has all my love and 
respect forever. 

PLAYBOY: Your brother, Jordan Feldstein, 
is the business manager for Maroon 5 
and Robin Thicke, among others. He 
made news last year when he and Clint 
Eastwood's daughter Francesca married 
in Las Vegas and she had the marriage 
annulled a week later. Then Sharon Оз- 
bourne threw a glass of water in his face 
at an event this past winter. Is he okay? 
HILL: I don't want to talk about that, re- 
spectfully. I love my family. They're ай 
great. That's all I want to say. 

PLAYBOY: Do you think the public and 
media go too far in prying into celebri- 
ties’ private lives? 

HILL: Here’s what I think. You don’t 
know what anyone’s like. That’s what 
I've learned the most. You can look from 
the outside all you want and think you're 
seeing some sort of truth, but you're 
never getting the full picture. Leo and I 
are developing a film from a Vanity Fair 
article about Richard Jewell that's really 
about the 24-hour news cycle and how 
the media killed this guy. It’s a heart- 
breaking story. All Jewell did was save a 
bunch of people's lives during the Sum- 
mer Olympic Games in Atlanta, and his 
life turned upside down. Everybody 
made him into a hero at first, but then 
just as fast he was public enemy num- 
ber one. Watch Tom Brokaw's newscasts 
from that time or watch Jay Leno. Peo- 
ple, without any knowledge, just turned 
this guy from a security guard doing his 
job into a terrorist. It was trial by me- 
dia. And even though he was exoner- 
ated, he ended up dying too young from 
the stress of it all. When you don’t know 
anything and you make judgments, you 
have the power to ruin somebody's life. 
PLAYBOY: Do you ever think about 
your legacy? 

HILL: As I get to the age when I'm think- 
ing about having my own family, I realize 


55 


PLAYBOY 


56 


I'm going to have to explain scenes from 
movies like The Wolf of Wall Street to kids, 
specifically. It’s one thing when you're 
watching somebody else in a Martin 
Scorsese movie. I got to appreciate his 
work when I was nine or 10, when some 
kids were still watching Barney. Not that 
I'm looking to start a feud іп a magazine 
with Barney. But when it's your own dad 
snorting cocaine off someone's breasts in 
a movie, that gets trickier. 

PLAYBOY: There are tons of drugs іп 
many of your movies. What's your drug 
policy behind the scenes? 

HILL: If you're an adult over 18, your 
life is your own. You have to make the 
choices that are going to define you. No 
опе can make them for you. 

PLAYBOY: How much pot do you smoke? 
ніш: І don't really smoke now. I һауе 
nothing against it; it just doesn't make 
me feel good. I don't like feeling bad 
the next day, whether it's from drink- 
ing or pot or anything. And I enjoy my 
days so much more now because of it. 
In my early 205 I felt like all my week- 
end days were spent nursing hang- 
overs. Now I have a dog. I like to go to 
the dog park, get coffee, go to the gym. 
Channing set me up with his trainer, 
and I like working out. That takes a lot 
of stress out for me. 

PLAYBOY: When you look at your photos 
from the past 10 years, your weight is 
all over the map. How’s it going in that 
department? 

HILL: [Laughs in annoyance] That is so 
ridiculous, man. Would you ever ask 
someone who wasn't in the public eye, 
who you just met for the first time, that 
question? I seriously doubt it. I'm happy 
with the way I am. I have a good time. I 
feel healthy. You can ask whatever you 
want, but my weight is an unimportant 
part of any discussion about me. 
PLAYBOY: It's part of your image, though. 
At last year's Comedy Central Roast for 
James Franco, Sarah Silverman joked 
that you'd gained 50 pounds for your 
last movie because the producers wanted. 
“a Jonah Hill type.” 

HILL: You know, you're in a vulnerable 
position on a night like that. Anything 
you're insecure about is probably go- 
ing to be brought up. Some were jokes, 
some was exaggeration. But again, 
Sarah doesn't really know me. I mean, 
Seth Rogen was there and he obviously 
knows me well. Franco knows me well. 
Bill Hader knows me well. But even my 
Hollywood friends, for the most part, 
don't know me that deeply. So I just have 
to laugh about it, and it ended up being 
a really fun night. 

PLAYBOY: Do you think Hollywood pre- 
fers you looking a certain way? Is a com- 
edy somehow funnier if you're heavier? 
HILL: It all depends on what the character 
is supposed to be like. I would alter myself 
in any way for a character I really wanted 
to play. I'm here to put out movies. I do 
the best I can. I try to stay in shape. That's 


it. That's all you can do. 1 don't mean to 
be difficult, but let's move on. 

PLAYBOY: Agreed. What was your first 
role as an actor? 

HILL: In sixth grade they needed an Elvis 
impersonator in a play, and I got the 
part. It didn't take a lot of effort, and it 
got an immediate positive response from 
a teacher—which was a first for me. 
PLAYBOY: You weren't a good student? 
HILL: I did okay, but I kind of couldn't 
handle the idea of following instructions 
in that way. I knew whatever I ended up 
doing in life would need to be under my 
own guidelines. I was a class clown. I just 
loved to make my friends laugh and to 
disrupt things. I guess all actors deep 
down just want attention, and I certainly 
did. So I figured out pretty early that I 
could control a room with a well-placed 
comment or barb. It took all the power 
away from the teacher. That felt com- 
pletely thrilling to me. 

PLAYBOY: When did you know you wanted 
to act for real? 

HILL: I guess it was a slow progression. 
Weird shit happens. It dawns on you 
that real people do this job for a living. 


All through my 20s, I 
worried too much about 
things, both having to do 
with work and not, that 
ultimately turned out 
to be unimportant. 


I remember my friend and I saw Charlie 
Sheen at the Avco movie theater in West- 
wood when we were in junior high or 
early high school. I loved Charlie's movie 
Cadence, in which he's on a chain gang in 
some kind of Army jail situation. Anyway, 
I don't know what gave me the courage to 
talk to him, but we just stood there in line 
talking about that movie and how Major 
League was one of my favorite films. 

I had a few experiences like that that 
made me think, Okay, these are just 
people. At the mall in Century City one 
time, my mom was late picking me up 
because she'd forgotten about daylight 
savings time. Happy Gilmore had just 
come out and I was obsessed with Adam 
Sandler. Anyway, I'm sitting there 
waiting for my ride and there's Adam 
Sandler waiting for his girlfriend, who 
was also an hour late. He could tell I 
obviously worshipped him, and he was 
really cool about it. That's the way Adam 
is with anyone if you ever зес him. Не 
doesn't talk down to people as if he's a 
big deal and they're not. Those experi- 
ences took a lot of the mystery out of 
the business. 


PLAYBOY: What's the story about you 
making crank phone calls with Dustin 
Hoffman? 

HILL: I knew his kids. I would go over to 
their house and he'd somehow get me 
to do it. I did this thing where I called 
this really seedy hotel during Oscars sea- 
son, pretending to be Tobey Maguire's 
assistant. I'd try to convince the owner 
to do these outlandish things like install 
a water tank for Tobey’s pet seal and shit 
like that. I can’t imagine anything better 
for your improv-comedy skills. 

PLAYBOY: That performance helped you 
get your first movie role, right? 

HILL: Yeah, it's crazy. First of all, Dustin 
Hoffman is my favorite actor of all time. 
He represents the ultimate goal of what 
I would ever try to do, which is be able 
to succeed in any genre so beautifully. 
There's no one you can compare to him. 
It's not like I'm saying I want to be like 
him. I'll never be as good as he is, but 
I can try. What was so incredible was 
Dustin taking a chance on me. I don't 
know why he did it, but he got me a 
part in J Heart Huckabees, and that pretty 
much set me on my way. 

PLAYBOY: Knowing what you know now, 
what advice would you give that 20-year- 
old version of yourself? 

HILL: I spent so much of my time being 
anxious, so I'd probably say, "Don't stress 
so much.” All through my 20s, I worried 
too much about things, both having to do 
with work and not, that ultimately turned 
out to be unimportant. Am I going to get 
this job? Is this girl going to text me back? 
Is my friend mad at me? I used to think 
everyone was mad at me. That's a big 
thing I've had to work on in my life. 
PLAYBOY: You've spent a lot of time play- 
ing college kids. What was college like 
for you? 

ніш: І had two polar opposite expe- 
riences before I dropped out. First 
I went to the University of Colorado 
Boulder for a semester, which was like 
a movie cliché of what college is like— 
football, parties, girls, huge drink- 
ing culture. Then I went to the New 
School in New York, which is your typi- 
cal artsy school. I know everybody says 
you can't regret stuff, and I don't. But 
on reflection, even though I was work- 
ing during my college years, making 
Superbad and all those movies, I prob- 
ably didn't learn as much about myself 
as I could have. You realize later that 
the lessons you learn in college are 
only partly about what you get out of 
class. High school was about not feel- 
ing horrible about myself. How do I 
cope with my insecurities? It's so awk- 
ward. College is about discovering who 
you are and starting to reinvent your- 
self. I think if I had continued, I would 
have known things that took me a few 
extra years to learn. But again, I was 
so anxious about so many things at that 
time, I just thought, Shit, I need to be 
working. (continued on page 140, 


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| WHAT must the AYATOLLAH think ? 


tor: 


cell 


not scared, 


the Supreme Li 


rockers featur 
ing photos are 
repressed country 

They wear lip 
stick and go-go 
boots. The} 
ten to Engl 
bands such as 
Foals and Ra 
head, and they live 


azmand, 27. Апо 
Eskandarian, 


to support с reative 


art and freedom," 


s Dawn of Rage played 
a Tehran amphitheater 
last summer, Iran's 
morality police arrested 
the metal band's three 
members, as well as 
more than 200 specta- 
, just for being at a 
rock concert. The cops stripped 
several fans naked, searching for 
satanic tattoos. They confi. 
phones. The musicians were 
behind bars for five days. 
said Dawn's lead 
singer, Pouria Kamali, after he 
was released. “Metal is totally 
forbidden in Iran, and everyone 
knows that someday the Basij 
may arrest them." 

The music of dissent will always find 
a way, anywhere, even in Iran, where 
ader 
Khamenei has decreed, 


and teaching music is not compatible 
with the highest values of th 
regime of the Islamic Republic. 
əd in the follow- 


in constant fear that the Ba 
religious police, will knock at the 
door. The penalty for play 
devil’s music is 40 lashes. 

Shot earlier this year, these pho- 
tos capture Iran's indie rockers at 
а critical juncture. In November 
2013, two members of Iran’s most 
vaunted rock band, the Yellow 
Dogs, were murdered in Brooklyn 
The victims were brothers Arash 
Farazmand, 28, and Soroush Far- 


5, was also killed. 
Their attacker was a failed rock 
bassist, Iranian émigré Ali Akbar 
Mohammadi Rafie, who 
assault rifle in a guitar case. The 
Dogs came to the U.S. as political 
refugees in January 2010. Since 
then, the nation’s new president, 
Hassan Rouhani—a moderate 
elected in 2013—has pledged 


“There is a direct link between 
Rouhani said 


in January. “We should know that art 
is not a threat and artists do not put 
the security of the country in danger.” 
‘Two weeks after Rouhani’s speech, 
a small miracle happened: Iranian 
state television showed a 10-second 
clip of musicians playing traditional 
Persian instruments. The clip aired 
without introduction and without 
context. Since 1979 the government 
had deemed the display of instru- 
ments ghena—that is, a sinister 
enticement to dance. Also in January, 
an Iranian country-rock band, Thun- 
der, played a state-authorized gig in 
Tehran for 1,400 fans. There was a 
smoke machine, and the male musi- 
ns wore 10-ғаПоп hats as a female 
guitarist wailed away on her ax while 
wearing a head scarf. Afterward, 
Thunder's lead singer, Ardavan 
Anzabipour, was ecstatic. “Thi 
has not happened for 35 years,” 
he says. “These are not the small- 
town cretins the 
ministry had under 
Mahmoud Ahmadi- 
nejad. They are real 
musicians. And now 
we are going to play 
some smaller citi 
for more conservative 
people.” Anzabipour believes the 
tour could open the door for edg- 
ier musical genres—metal, hip-hop 
and indie. "Things could change in 
five minutes here if the top guys say 
yes to rock music,” he says. 
Skeptics disagree. Rouhani must 
answer to Khamenei, the ayatollah. 
Although Rouhani stepped into 
office promising free speech and 
the release of political prisoners, he 
has largely failed to deliver. Rock 
and roll in Iran is still shadowed 
by the ayatollah’s boot heel, and it 
sings with the keen, fresh rage of 
wild youths who feel as though they 
will be trapped forever. “The people 
running this country are fundamen- 
talists,” laments musician Mareza 
Hariri. “They will not change. All we 
can do is have fun underground.” 


ated 


“гт 


Ayatollah Ali 
Promoting 


ng the 


musician, Ali 


rried his 


The photographer's identity has been 
withheld for protection 


expression 


Pedram Niknafs first heard Judas Priest 
at the age of 14, on a bootleg cassette. 
He found heavy metal’s black disdain so 


exquisite that he began saving his lunch 
money. "When you went through alleyways 
here," he says, “everyone whispered in 
your ears, ‘New cassettes, new тиіс.” He 
bought 100 tapes—Megadeth, Metallica, 
Iron Maiden—and the music still thrums 
through him as he fronts Digital Lanterns, 
Here he's singing “You Cannot Adopt Me,” 
directed at unnamed powers. 


Classical Rock 


Milad Mardakheh is lead 
singer for Achromatic, and his 
words are from a song he wrote 
about the Iranian government's 
2009 crackdown on the Green 
Revolution. "It's called ‘Shields 
and Guns; " he says, “as in riot 
police. Hell doesn't refer to Iran 
specifically but to difficulties 
we all face as artists. You keep. 
the light alive by bdjng creative, 
by being heard in thts world." 


Кик Cem 


WERE STILL Wai. ting hora Savior 
to hs Uf, E CONTR T 
d hil STe 

E WAG ise DH 758 ENRE £ 


Өре UE 


МГ 


“ГИ have to call you back, sweetheart. My hands are full.” 


WIM HOF СИВЕР de 
3 ston’: LAN He y IN 


'FIGHT OFF у 


H HIS MIND. 
V НЕ WANTS , 


do Ascot -- ка ЕВЕ LIEBMAN |, 
a 5 f 


А dilapidated farmhouse іп the Polish 
countryside creaks and groans on its foun- 
dation as six men hyperventilate inside 
one of its frigid rooms. The windows are 
caked with frost and snow piles up ош- 
side the front door. Wim Hof surveys his 
students with stern blue eyes as he counts 
their breaths. They are lying in sleep- 
ing bags and covered in blankets. Every 
breath they expel appears as a tiny puff of 
mist as the heat of their bodies crystallizes 
in the near-arctic air. When the students 
are bleached white from exhaustion, Hof 
commands them to let all the air out of 
their lungs and hold their breath until 
their bodies shake and shudder. I exhale 
all my breath into the frigid air. 

“Fainting is okay," he says 
means you went deep. 

Hof is one of the world's most recog- 
nized extremophiles. In 2007 he made 


"It just 


headlines around the world when he 
attempted to summit Mount Everest 
wearing nothing but spandex shorts and 
hiking boots. He has run barefoot mara- 
thons in the arctic circle and submerged 
his entire body beneath the ice for almost 
two hours. Every feat defies the boundar- 
ies of what medical science says is possible. 
Hof believes he is much more than a 
stuntman performing tricks; he thinks 
he has stumbled on hidden evolutionary 
potential locked inside every human body. 

With my lungs empty and my head 
dizzy from hyperventilation, I note the 
stopwatch on my iPad as it slowly ticks 
by the seconds. At 30 seconds I want to 
let go and feel the cool air rush inside, 
but I hold on. 

Participants have come from across 
Europe and America for this seven-day 
training program aimed at extending con- 
trol over the body's autonomic processes. 


HOSPITAL 
DEVICES 
DECLARED 
HIM DEAD 
AFTER TWO 
MINUTES. 
HOF STAYED 
IN THE ICE 


FOR 72 


MINUTES. 


1 Students at Wim Ногу camp. 
in Poland end their training with 
a nearly mile-long, severrand 
a-hal-hour climb up sia 
Mountain in shorts and boos, 
2. Ho training amp promises 
to teach students to hod their 
breath for five minutes and to 
stay warm without дой, 

3. Hot па salt room, which 

is said to help respiratory 
problems, near his farmhouse 
in Przesieka, Poland 4. During 
3200] medal study, Hol satin 
ice for D minutes Hs heart ate 
dropped to a mere 35 beats per 
minute, and he didn't breathe 
Tor more than two minutes, 

5. Ho seta Guinness word 
record by swimming more than 
Sa meters beneath ke without 
breathing. The previous day, 

he had tobe rescued during a 
practice swim after his comeas 
froze, causing him to go 
temporarily bind. 


The human body performs most of its 
daily functions on autopilot. Whether it's 
regulating internal temperature, setting 
the steady pace of a heartbeat or rush- 
ing lymph and blood to a limb when it's 
injured, the body, like a computer, uses 
preset responses for most external stim- 
uli. Hof's training aims to create a wedge 
between the body's internal programming 
and external pressures in order to force 
the body to cede control to the conscious 
mind. He is a hacker, tweaking the body's 
programming to expand its capabilities. 

At 60 seconds, with empty lungs, my 
diaphragm begins to quiver and I have 
to rock back and forth to keep from 
gasping. Even so, my mind is strangely 
calm. My eyes are closed, and I see 
swirling red shapes behind my lids. Hof 
explains that the light is a window into 
my pituitary gland. 


Hof promises he can teach people 
to hold their breath for five minutes 
and stay warm without clothes in freez- 
ing snow. With a few days of training I 
should be able to consciously control my 
immune system to ramp up against sick- 
nesses or, if necessary, suppress it against 
autoimmune malfunctions such as arthri- 
tis and lupus. It's a tall order, to be sure. 
Тһе world is full of would-be gurus prof- 
fering miracle cures, and Hof s promises 
sound superhuman 

The undertaking resonates with a male 
clientele willing to wage war on their bod- 
ies and pay $2,000 for the privilege of a 
weeklong program. Across the room Hans 
Spaan's hands are shaking. Diagnosed with 
Parkinson's 10 years ago, he had to quit his 
job as an IT executive, but he claims Hof's 
method has enabled him to cut the amount 
of drugs his doctors insist he needs. Next 


to him, Andrew Lescelius, a Nebraskan 
whose asthma can be crippling, hasn't 
used his inhaler for a week. 

For almost an hour we've been cycling 
between hyperventilating and holding 
our breath. Every repetition has made it 
incrementally easier to hold on just a bit 
longer. Hof tells us the quick breathing 
adds oxygen to our blood supply so that, 
at least until we use it up, we don't have to 
rely on the air in our lungs to survive. The 
autonomic urge to gasp for air is based on 
the mind’s ordinary programming: No air 
in the lungs means it's time to breathe. My 
nervous system hasn't yet realized there's 
still air in my blood. 

Ninety-two seconds and my vision starts 
to cloud over. The room has taken on a 
red sheen I don't remember being there 
before. I may be seeing lights. I let go and 
allow air to rush in. It's far from a record, 
but after only an hour of trying, it's my 
longest attempt. I smile with a small sense 
of accomplishment. 

Hof then commands us to undergo 
another breathing cycle, but this time, 
instead of holding my breath, he instructs 
me to do as many push-ups as I can. 
Raised on a diet of cheese curds and lit- 
Пе exercise, I'm out of shape. At home 
I can manage an embarrassingly feeble 
20 before collapsing. Now, with no air in 
my lungs, I push myself off the floor with 
almost no effort. They roll out one after 
another, and before I know it I've done 40. 

I decide I'm going to have to reevaluate 
everything I've (continued on page 136) 


ao INTERVIEWS BY KEVIN COOK 
74 


RED SOX 


lesley visser • sportscaster 


PLAYBOY MAGAZINE 


Ше: 


B M 


his is the story оға long-suffering franchis 
Not the Cubs, Pirates, Padres, Bengals, 
Jaguars, Wizards, Nuggets or once-mighty 
Ducks of Anaheim but a baseball team born 
the Boston Americans in 1901. 

Last year that franchise, now known as 
the Red Sox, won its third World Series 
since 2004. That sensational run makes 

up for (or does it?) a tradition of losing that stretches back 
through the 1990s and 19805 to the disco years, and before 
that to the Vietnam War, the Korean War, World War II, the 
Great Depression, the Roaring Twenties and earlier. Long 
before Nei mond ever burbled “Sweet Caroline” and 
even before 1 Diamond was born, the Red Sox chased 
the American League pennant year after year for almost a 7 
century and always lost, usually to the New York Yankees. FRED LYNN 

Here's the story of how Boston's team reversed a OUTFIELD 
curse that was almost as old as modern baseball. 


In 1918 the Red Sox ruled the game. After Boston won the World 
Series to claim its fifth championship, former mayor John "Honey 
Fitz" Fitzgerald —John Е Kennedy's grandfather—declared, 
"The Red Sox dynasty lives, and there is no end in sight!” 

The dynasty was dying as he spoke. 
DENIS LEARY, actor, comedian, Sox nut: Yeah, dying 
because they sold Babe Ruth. Not traded him, sold him. To 
the New fucking York fucking Yankees. 
MIKE VACCARO, New York Post columnist, author of Emperors 
The Hundred-Year Rivalry Between the Yankees 
x: The Sox wanted to unload Ruth, who'd gotten 
too loud and obnoxious. And Ruth was a pitcher then—a 
pitcher who went in the Red Sox’s lousy 1919 season. 
Sure, he also led the league with 29 homers, but to the Sox 
he would always be a pitcher first. And a jerk. 
DOUG VOGEL, Society for American Baseball Research: 
Ruth could drive a baseball out of any park, but he sucked REDS 
at driving a car. He swerved around corners, bumping 


DENIS LEARY 


BILL NOWLIN AUTHOR TOM 7.1... 


76 


pedestrians, going through cars as fast 
as he went through women. After one 
debauched night he tried to drive be- 
tween two trolleys near Fenway Park and 
totaled his car. The Babe walked away 
without a scratch, but his female com- 
panion wound up in the hospital 
VACCARO: The day after Christmas 1919, 
Boston owner Harry Frazee sold Babe 
Ruth to the Yankees for $100,000 plus a 
loan for $300,000. Do you know what he 
put up as collateral for the loan? 
LEARY: Fenway Park! 

VACCARO: Fenway Park. And the 
of the Bambino" was on. 

BILL NOWLIN, author of 17 books on the 
Sox: Boston was called “baseball's home- 
town," but afi led Ruth, the 
losing began. Generations of fans grew 
up feeling cursed. 

VACCARO: The next year, Ruth hit 54 
homers for the Yankees. Harry Hooper 
led the Red Sox with seven. In the next 
83 years the Yanks would finish ahead 
of the Sox 66 times and win 26 World 
Series titles to the Red Sox's zero. 


curse 


The Sox reached the 1946 World Series, only 
to lose when Enos "C Slaughter of 
the St. Louis Cardinals dashed all the way 
home from first base on a single. Boston was 


known for chowder, baked beans and 
bad baseball. 

NOWLIN: My father was a hot-dog ven- 
dor at Fenway during the Great De- 
pression. Bad work for a fan, because 
the game's going on behind you. The 
bosses counted the hot dogs every day 
but not the buns, so the vendors would 
grab two or three buns and slop them 
with ketchup and mustard for a free 
“Depression lunch.” 

My father loved Jimmie Foxx, the 
great slugger the Red Sox traded for in 
1936. Foxx hit 198 homers in five years, 
but the Sox never finished better than 
second. Then came the Ted Williams 
. Was Williams the best hitter ever? 
"s sure the only one to win a Triple 
:rown without winning the MVP award. 
"Twice. There were two reasons: Williams 
didn't play in New York, and he didn't 
butter up the writers who voted for the 
award. In 1942 he led the league in every 
department—a .356 batting average, 36 
homers, 137 RBIs. The Yankees’ Joe 


Gordon hit .322 with 18 homers and 103 
RBIs. Gordon also led the league in bad 
stats—strikeouts and grounding into dou- 
ble plays—and Gordon won the MVP. 
Williams was edgy, touchy. Вай- 
players always wore ties on road trips, 
but he refused to wear a necktie. He'd 
spit at fans who booed him. But he was 
а war hero—39 missions as a fighter 
pilot, shot down over Korea. He spent 
nights at the Children’s Hospital of Bos- 
ton. He'd finally get up to go and the 
kid would say, "Ted, stay with me!" So 


Williams would have a nurse bring a cot 
and he'd sleep there, then play the next 
day. Nobody knew because he had a 
deal with reporters: "If you write about 
this, ГИ never do it again." 

LESLEY VISSER, Hall of Fame sportscaster: 
As a Boston child of the Kennedy years, 
vas seven when JFK was inaugurated 
first words—"We observe today not 
a victory of party but a celebration" 
made me think he was talking about 
the Red Sox. We'd stumbled through 
the 1950s with a manager named Pinky 


Б — es 
EY STRUNK МТІММІЗ BARROW 
AGNER AGNEW. COFFEY = 


Higgins [third place in his best year]. 
Even with Williams in left, our team 
ranged from mediocre to lousy. But the 
Kennedy era promised passion, sparkle, 
new life. Alas, the Sox stayed awful. They 
once drew fewer than 100 fans to a game 
against Cleveland. 

My brother and I sat in the bleachers 
and thought, Well, we might be losing, 
but we're getting to see Frank Malzone 
and Bill Monbouquette and my beloved. 
Ike Delock, who won two games in 1963. 
NOWLIN: Then there was Jimmy Piersall, 


whose psychiatric problems were im- 
mortalized in a movie, Fear Strikes Ош. 
Piersall would use a water pistol to wash 
home plate for the umpire. When he 
hit his 100th career homer, he ran the 
bases backward. 


Led by Carl Yastrzemski, another Triple 
Crown winner, the lowly Sox shocked the 
world by winning the pennant in 1967. 
But again they lost the World Series to the 
Cardinals in seven games. 

Leary: My dad became a baseball fan 


when he came over from Ireland, and I 
inherited his Red Sox DNA. Their mir- 
acle run in 1967 got me hooked. But I 
didn’t know how disappointing it would 
be. Sometimes they lost in bizarre cir- 
cumstances; sometimes they just lost. 
NOWLIN: Even in that “Impossible Dream" 
season they lost Tony Conigliaro. He was 
22, the youngest ever to hit 100 home 
runs. Then that August he got hit in the 
face, almost killed by a fastball at Fenway. 
Tony С. was never the same again. 

DICK FRIEDMAN, Sports Illustrated base- 
ball editor, Sox fan: Something else sym- 
bolized the futility: the black players they 
didn't have. The Sox were, infamously, 
the last big-league team to integrate. A 
decade after Jackie Robinson, they were 
still 100 percent white. 


When. Boston dumped pitcher Earl Wilson 
in 1966, it was rumored he was banished for 


7 


78 


BESTSOX 
YOU EVERHAD 


HERE'S BOSTON'S 


ALL-TIME, 
ALL-IMMORTAL LINEUP 
(with apologies to Yaz) 


CARLTON FISK, C 
CLOUTED 376 REGULAR- 

А SEASON HOMERS, PLUS THE 
ONE YOU REMEMBER 


JIMMIE FOXX, 1B. 
DOUBLE-X-RATED POWER 
77 i KEEPS VERSATILE YAZ 


2. E RIDING ALL-TIME PINE 


DUSTIN PEDROIA, 2B 
CAREER .302 HITTER SETS 
TABLE FOR HUNGRY HALL 
OF FAMERS TO COME 


WADE BOGGS, 3B 

PASS THE CHICKEN АМО 
PRAISE THE MIDCAREER 
МІр-.4005 ON-BASE 


PERCENTAGES 


NOMAR GARCIAPARRA, SS 
JOE CRONIN, RICO 
PETROCELLI AND JOHNNY 
PESKY NEVER RAKED LIKE 
MIA HAMM'S HUSBAND. 


TED WILLIAMS, LF 

SHOULD HAVE WON THREE 
MORE MVPS, BUT THE 
VOTERS LOST THEIR HEADS. 


FRED LYNN, CF 
">=; UNRIVALED WHEN UNHURT 
о. FE (АМО TRIS SPEAKER'S IN 
THE HALL AS AN INDIAN) 


DWIGHT EVANS, RF 
DEWEY-EYED FANS LOVED. 
EVANS'S GOLD GLOVE AND 
UNDERRATED BAT. 


DAVID ORTIZ, DH 

PAPI BEING PAPI KEEPS 
LEFT-RIGHT BALANCE IN 
HEART OF POTENT LINEUP. 


CURT SCHILLING, P 

CY YOUNG, ROGER CLEMENS, 
` Í PEDRO MARTINEZ? ALL 

GREAT, BUT A BLOODY SOCK 

HEARSED THE CURSE. 


ү 


sleeping with white women. Wilson шеті on to 
win 22 games for Detroit. 

FRIEDMAN: They gave Willie Mays a try- 
out and didn't sign him. Imagine Mays in 
the Red Sox outfield with Ted Williams 
and later with Yastrzemski.... 

was my guy. I played left 
tle League with my Yaz Triple 
Crown glove. I ate Yaz bread. Really, 
he had bread. Yaz never had Williams's 
talent, but he worked his ass off. I'll 
never forget the day he came to my 
school. Carl Yastrzemski walks into my 
eighth-grade classroom. Total hush. He 
ids, stay in school and don't do 
And leaves. A man of few words. 
In the 1970s they had a great 
team coalescing: Yaz was at first by 
then, Carlton Fisk behind the plate, 
Rico Petrocelli at third, Rick Burleson 
at short... 

CONAN O'BRIEN, TV host, Sox fan: As a 
Sox-crazed kid I waited hours at a car 
dealership to get Burleson's autograph. 
He probably got a new car out of it. I 
said something smartass like "Nice 
Eldorado you're getting," and he's like, 
“Move along, kid, so I can get the fuck 
out of here." 


NOWLIN: Best of all, that team had two 
phenomenal rookies: Fred Lynn and 
Jim Rice. 

O'BRIEN: You know how you remember 
snapshots from adolescence? If you say 
music, I think of the Cars in the 19705, 
guys in Ray-Bans on a car hood. My base- 
ball snapshot is Yaz, Rice and Lynn, my 
hero. I was no athlete, but one day I made 
a catch, and the Little League coach says, 
"You looked like Fred Lynn out there." 
It's still the best compliment I ever got. 
FRED LYNN, Red Sox center fielder, 1974— 
1980: The Yankees drafted me out of 
high school and acted like I was supposed 
to be flattered. "We're the New York Yan- 
kees. Sign here." Instead I went to col- 
lege, and the Red Sox signed me out of 
USC for a $40,000 bonus. At first Boston. 
a culture shock for a southern Cali- 
boy like me. I'd go out to eat and 
they'd bring me a lobster and a hammer, 
and Га say, “Do I have to kill it?” 
FRIEDMAN: Lynn and Rice were a god- 
send. I once saw Rice smash one off the 
Green Monster so hard the shortstop had 
a play on the carom back to the infield. 
LYNN: How strong was Jimmy Rice? I was 
165 pounds (continued on page 146, 


Fe — 
аж Wniversity of Te- 


min 


“Now, before I can write you a prescription for Viagra, I’m going to have to run a few tests.” 


И 


ШІП 


РАВТ 


Tee IS NO LONGER SPORT. IT IS 
NOW A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH 


EXECUTION (N.) 1: KILLING—THE KILLING 
OF SOMEBODY AS PART OF A LEGAL OR 
EXTRALEGAL PROCESS 2: PERFORMING 
OF SOMETHING—THE CARRYING OUT 

OF AN ACTION, INSTRUCTION, COM- 
MAND OR MOVEMENT 3: MANNER OF 
PERFORMANCE-THE STYLE OR MANNER 
IN WHICH SOMETHING IS CARRIED OUT 
OR ACCOMPLISHED. 


urt and Paige view the 

above definition in a 

reverse order of priori- 

ties. To wit: 

Definition three, so 

they can do definition 

two without having to 

commit definition one. 

That is to say, style 

(see supra, definition 

three) counts—don't 

think it doesn't. Style counts in figure skating, 

freestyle skiing and the theft of a billion dollars. 

There's theft and there's theft. There's theft 

that results in the good guys (being in this 

case Kurt, Paige and their friend Lev) reliev- 

ing the bad guy (Lev's Russian oligarch arms 

dealer stepfather) of his blood money without 

the actual shedding of blood, and there's theft 

that results in the aforementioned bloodshed, 

which Paige will absolutely not countenance, 

neither in the execution nor in the planning, 
nor even as an exigency. 


ILLUSTRATION BY THOMAS EHRETSMANN 


Exigency (n.): urgent need; something a situation demands 
or makes urgently necessary and that puts pressure on the 
people involved. 

Yeah, well, death definitely puts pressure on the people 
involved. 

As ultra-extreme athletes, Kurt, Paige and Lev are used 
to pressure—water pressure (big-wave surfing, free diving), 
air pressure (wingsuiting, BASE jumping), vertical pres- 
sure, a.k.a. gravity (downhill skiing, rock climbing), men- 
tal pressure (ultramarathon running)—and they're used 
to death; they just lost a dear friend, Latchkey, who wing- 
suited into the steel span of a bridge at 90 per. 

Actually, it was Latchkey's death that spurred Kurt into 
taking on this project of Lev's and then talking Paige into it. 
Okay, at first he tries to talk Paige out of it but into accepting 


that he'd do it. 
BY DON 


“Let me make sure I have 
this correctly,” Paige says. 
“You and Lev plan to drop 
onto a yacht in the Pacific, 
rob armed Russian thugs 
of a billion dollars, make it 
to land, disappear and live 
happily ever after.” 

“Not me and Ley,” Kurt clarifies. “Me and you. We live 
happily ever after. It's not a gay thing or a bromance 
thing. Lev would go and do his thing and you and I would 
do our. Thing.” 

“Which would be what?” 

Live (verb, not adjective, and therein lies the secret to, 
well, life), Kurt explains. Climb, ski, surf, run, fly, fuck, eat, 
sleep, repeat as necessary and/or desirable. 

“Setting aside for the moment the practical—or rather 
impractical—considerations,” Paige says, “have you 


considered the ethical issue? That is, 
stealing is wrong?" 

“Stealing,” Kurt agrees, "is wrong in 
uations, But the money we'd be 
stealing comes from armaments that i; 
discriminately kill people. So it wouldn't 
be as, if at all, wrong." 

He goes on to explain his thinking in 
the matter, and we should pause here to 
note that this conversation takes place 
in а motel in Moab, Utah, the site of 
Latchkey's memorial service (Moab, not 
the motel) and a world center for rock 
climbing, dirt biking and all manner 
of outdoor fun and frolic. Kurt's argu- 
ment is mathematically based: It costs 
money to pursue the extreme sports 
that bring them sponsorships; they're 
not getting any younger; the sponsor- 
ships are going to dry up and they'll be 
left with nothing. 

"I'm a university professor,” Paige ar- 
have an income, a pension ——" 
what I mean," Kurt counters. 
*You're not even 30 and you're talk- 
ing about your pension. What's next, 
a 401(k)?" 

Paige swallows. 

She does have a 401(k). 


Paige goes out for a quick 15-mile run 
among the red rocks of Moab and 
thinks about not only the ethical issue 
but her life. 

Flying along the single track, her feet 
avoiding the ankle-spraining rocks and 
scree, Paige considers that she has al- 
ways been the "good girl." Check that, 
not the "good girl" —the "perfect girl." 
Perfect grades, perfect attitude, perfect 
skin, perfect teeth, perfect body—if, 
that is, you consider the lean, low-body- 
fat athletic frame of the female super- 
athlete perfect. 

She has a good job, a man she loves 
and outside interests that keep the 
adrenaline flowing, but- 

Paige has never done anything bad. 

Wrong or even dubious. 

She has summited heights. Might it 
not be time to explore depths (how high 
you can go may also be an indicator of 
how low you can go)? 

And be honest, she tells herself. 
Kurt is right—time is catching up and 
time will render your extraordinary 
life ordinary. 

Which is simply not acceptable. 

"The extra in extraordinary isn't extra. 

It's essential. 


Paige comes back from her run and says 
to Kurt, "I will give my consent to this 
under one condition." 

“Being?” 

"I go with you.” 


TIME IS CATCHING UP 
AND TIME WILL RENDER 
YOUR EXTRAORDINARY 
LIFE ORDINARY. WHICH IS 
SIMPLY NOT ACCEPTABLE. 


“No.” 


“No.” 

Kurt has been a reformed sexist since 
Paige kicked his ass in the Leadville 
Trail 100, the only redeeming feature 
being that he got to look at her, albeit 
from an ever-increasing distance, for 
75 of those 100 miles before she dis- 
appeared over the horizon and then 
waited for him at the finish line. 

"What, then?” Paige asks. 

“I don't want to see you get hurt.” 

"That's what my mother said about 
my being with you," Paige says. And 
besides, it's a ridiculous argument be- 
cause they've climbed (actually fr 
climbed—no ropes) together, heli- 
skied together, surfed together, BASE 
jumped together and wingsuited to- 
gether. And now he doesn't want to see 
her get hurt? 

"Did you have your eyes closed all 
those times?" Paige asks. 

"Could you," Kurt asks, "point a gun 
at someone and say you'll kill him if he 
doesn't give you the money?" 

“You said we weren't going to kill 
anyone." 

"Unless," Lev says when they take the 
discussion to him in a quiet corner of. 
the motel bar, "there's an exigency." 

And now we're back. 


Execution requires planning. 

Stylish execution, anyway. 

Sloppy executions you can just throw 
together (see definition one, Texas, 
Florida, Missouri), but the kind of 
execution that has a certain elegance to 
it requires preparation. 

“Failing to prepare is...blah, blah, 
blah.” (Actually, failing to improvise can 
also be considered preparing to fail, but 
that’s another story.) 

Planning starts with intelligence. 

Ley shows them photos and schemat- 
ics of the boat. 


Stepdad's little oceangoing getaway is 
called the Ozerov. 

Cayman flagged, built in 
Netherlands. 

Sleek black hull, white superstruc- 
ture, shaped like a narrow V with a 
wedding-cake layering of decks. 

A beautiful, dangerous-looking craft. 

Five hundred thirty-five feet long, 
beam 72 and a half feet, Kevlar-hulled, 
11,360 horsepower, cruising speed of 20 
knots, max speed of 25. 

Twin 19-million-candlepower 
searchlights. 

Each cabin has a digital safe. Another, 
larger safe in the captain's stateroom. 

“The money won't be in the safes," 
Lev says, “but in a vault down in the 
engine room.” 

Brushed-stainless-steel deck and 
flooring, Italian marble fixtures, goat- 
skin wall coverings, three dining areas, 
a five-star kitchen, dance floor and an 
infinity pool — 

“Ап infinity pool?" Paige asks. 

On a boat? 

In the Pacific? 

Which i: itself, an infinity pool? 

Then there's the helipad with a Soviet 
military chopper on it, just in case Yegor 
needs to get away quickly. 

Several Narwhal SV-400 rescue crafts. 

And a go-fast boat, mostly because 
any decent smuggler has to have a go- 
fast boat. 

With 18 cabins, the Ozerov can carry 
34 passengers and 70 crew. 

"But there won't be that many peo- 
ple onboard for this money run," Lev 
says. "Yegor strips it down because he 
doesn't trust people. Just him, Mother, 
an accountant, the captain, 15 crew, a 
chef, a sous-chef, a sous-sous-chef and 
12 mercenaries." 

АП the mercs are former Russian 
special forces. 

All fought in Chechnya. 

“How much money did you say will 
be on the boat?” Kurt asks. 

“A billion (continued on page 124) 


the 


Z и 
ZZ 
= 


4 be amazed at the paperwork you have to go through to get a license!” 


"You 


83 


PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES 


Last night I went out with a girl who could 
have been Kate Upton's double," a man told 
his co-worker. 
“Wow,” the co-worker said. “Is that true?” 
“I wouldn't lie,” the man replied. “She was 
twice Kate's size.” 


A man stumbled home late to find his wife 
sitting cross-armed at the kitchen table. “Can 
you explain to me what you were doing after 
work?” she asked him. 

“My boss told me to go to hell,” the man 
responded. “I couldn't find it at first, but I'm 
here now." 


Don't give up on your dreams—keep sleeping. 


[used to be fucking stupid,” a woman told her 
friend. “But then we broke up.” 


A large woman was dancing on a table at a 
dance club. A man shouted out, “Nice legs!” 
“Oh, do you really think so2” she asked, 
blushing. 
“Definitely!” he said. “Most tables would 
have collapsed by now.” 


After a long business trip a man returned 
home and asked his wife, “Did you miss me?" 

She replied under her breath, "So far with 
every bullet." 


On her wedding day a young woman asked 
her mother for advice on marriage. 

Her mom thought for a moment and said 
sagely, "I've discovered that the secret to keep- 
ing your husband happy is to make sure his 
stomach is full and his balls are empty." 


А boy walked sullenly into his house on a 
beautiful summer day. 

“What happened?" his mother asked. “I 
thought you were going to the pool." 

“1 got kicked out for peeing in the water,” 
the boy said. 

“How did they know you were doing that?” 
she asked. 

He replied, “I was shaking it so hard I almost 
fell in.” 


God promised man that good and obedient 
wives would be found in every corner of the 
world. Then he made the earth round, and 
laughed and laughed. 


We know gay people exist, but we don’t know 
if God exists. So why would anyone deny gay 
people their rights on the chance it might piss 
off God? 


Our Unabashed Dictionary defines weed 
whacking as masturbating while stoned. 


Eighty-five percent of Americans don't know 
where Ukraine belongs on a map, and neither 
does Vladimir Putin. 


A penis has a sad life: His hair is a mess, his 
family is nuts, his nearest neighbor is an as 
hole, his best friend is a pussy and his owner 
beats him. 


А wife approached her husband and said, 
"Take off my blouse." 

So he did. 

“Now take off my skirt,” she said. 

He did. 

“Now pull down my panties,” she said. 

He did. 

Then she said, “If I ever catch you wearing 
my clothes again, I'm leaving you.” 


Beer makes а man lean...lean on the bar, lean 
on his friends and lean on buildings as he 
stumbles his way home. 


How do you know when you have overserved 
your guest? 

She sits on your couch and feels around for 
the seat belt. 


Why does toilet paper need commercials? Who 
is not buying it? 


Here's how to explain the folly of marrying too 
young to the overly eager: Getting married at 
the age of 21 is like leaving a party at 8:30 ғ.м. 


Send your jokes to Playboy Party Jokes, 
Civic Center Drive, Beverly Hills, Ca 


90210, or by e-mail to jokes@playboy.com. 
PLAYBOY will pay $100 to the contributors whose 


submissions are selected. 


"I got this wedding suite for half price. Of course, there's a catch.” 


us about the crazy things you and the rest of the cast did 
during your downtime? 

HART: It wasn't all that exciting. We were in Vegas, sure, 
but we were there to do a job. I took that very seriously. 

I like to have a good time—we went to a few parties—but 
when I'm working, I'm boring. I'm not going to do some- 
thing that jeopardizes the film or my career or everything 
I've done to get to this point. That would be insane. Every 
time I thought about going out after the shoot and getting 
crazy, ГА remind myself, This could all go 

away. And then I'd go back to my room 

and go to bed. 


3 
PLAYBOY: You play a happily 
divorced guy in Think Like a Man 
Tio, and you're working on a 
divorce comedy for ABC. Are 
you divorce's biggest advocate? 
HART: I'm definitely an ex- 
ample of what life should be like 
after divorce. My ex-wife and I 
are still friends and still raise our 
kids together; we just do it sepa- 
rately. In a relationship it's possible 
to outgrow a person. My ex and I 
were growing apart, and it was a situ- 
ation where we could have become en- 
emies if we stayed married. Being married was 
killing our relationship, but getting divorced 
helped salvage our friendship. 


4 
PLAYBOY: A lot of your stand-up act is based on your @ 


experiences with your ex-wife. When she married you, did 
she forget to get a comedy prenup? 

HART: [Laughs] I guess she should've thought about that 
That's what you get for marrying a comedian. No, there's 
nothing malicious about it. When I talk about her, it's 
never angry or brutal. It's just me talking about my life, 
and that relationship is a large part of my life. I put our 
situation out there, and people relate to it honestly 


5 
PLAYBOY: You've used pretty much everything in 
your life as fodder for comedy. What don't you 
have a sense of humor about? 
HART: I'm not а political guy. I don't really 
deal with Democrats or Republicans. I don't 
find that funny. And I don't talk about the 
gay community, be it male or female. No 
thank you! It's such a sensitive subject. I've 
seen comics get into serious trouble by 
joking about gay people. It's too danger- 
ous. Whatever you say, any joke you make 
about the gay community, it’s going to be 
misconstrued. It’s not worth it. 


6 
PLAYBOY: What about your private life? 
Is there anything that you consider off-limits 
for comedy? 

HART: No. Everything is out there. Even my mom. I 
did a long bit in my stand-up about her funeral, and that 
was tough to talk about. But those sad moments can also be 
the funniest. Losing her was definitely one of the saddest 
things that ever happened to me. But thinking about it and 
telling the story, you realize (continued on page 134) 


“Gently, Louis! You produce guys fondle as if you're checking for ripeness.” 


ІП 
ME 


By Nicholas Tamarin 


JO 


THE BACHELOR PAD 
GETS AMANLY AND 
MODERN UPGRADE 
En 


* With the economy picking up again, definitely) your water bed, and 


it's time to upgrade your domestic let three architecture firms that 
situation-how else are you going to are taking the mansion to mind- 
land the girl of your dreams? Not blowingly sleek and sophisticated 
with the bachelor pad clichés of new heights help you spend with 
yesteryear. Ditch the black leather stule. All you have to do now is come 


sofa, mirrored ceiling and [most up with the down payment. 


Bates Masi 


Briggs Edward 
Solomon 


Playboy Pad 


Nos.1&2 


* Nakahouse 
(1); Openhouse, 
Hollywood Hills 
(2). Let your 
angles dangle— 
a sculptural 
home will always 
stand out from 
the crowd. And 
with copious 
amounts of 
transparent 
glass as your 
home's primary 
enclosure 
material, so 
will you. 


Nos. 3&4 


* Sam's Creek 

(3); Pierso 

Way (4 

Soaring ceilings, 

midcentury 

furniture, 

travertine 

floors, simple 

but focused 
aping: 

all keys to a 

beach house 

that's better 

than the primary 

residence—or 

is one. 


* The Rushmore. 
Hire an art 
consultant 

to work with 
your archite 
and interior 
designer, and 
no one will ever 
know you spent 
more time at 
the movies than 
in museums. 


BRIGGS 
EDWARD 
SOLomon 


Playboy Pad 


BATHING 
BEAUTIES 


THE PLAYBOY- GUIDE TO 
SENSUAL BATHING. CLEAN 
NEVER FELT 50: ВШЕТУ 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY 
TONY KELLY 


BREAK 
OUTTHE 
BUBBLES 
Ве. you could 
fill bathtub with 
champagne, but 
Wed rather sip it 
to set the mood. 
We're happy to 
report they still 
make Mr. Bubble. 
Draw a classié 
bubblelbath for 
your girl: Its а 
relaxing prelude 
to the evening 


G SALTY 
БЕ "се has 
failed to prove 
that salt does 
anything to 
soothe aching 
muscles, but 
we're hopeless 
romantics and 
still love the idea 
of approximating 
the feel of float- 
ing in the ocean 
Epsom salts are 
nice, but Dead 
Sea salt is още 
ргебегепов the 
ancient Egyptians 
меге by it. Dis- 
¡solve a few cups 
їп а warm bath 
and adda drop or 
two of rose water. 


WORK 
BLUE 


~ A mud mask is a 
beauty treatment. 
the lady in your life 
is probably 

without you. You 
might as well get 

in on the fun and 
help smooth it over 
her skin. The silica 
in a blue mud mask 
produces the silki- 
est skin. To make 
the most of it, don't 
stop at the face, 


HONEY, 
DO 


: Before lotion was 
invented, there was 
honey. Its natural 
emollient proper. 
ties moisturize and 
make skin supple. 
Use organic honey 
if possible—unlike 
lotion, honey is 
edible. 


PLAY 
CLEOPATRA 


- The lactic acid 

in milk is а natural. 
exfoliant. Cleopatra, 
a woman of great 
power and appe- 
tites, famously kept 
her skin glowing by 
taking milk baths. 
Premix your own 
powdered milk bath 
blend so you can 
use it on a whim. 


HOW TO MAKE 
A MILK BATH 


Drawing а bath is a simple indulgence your woman will 
appreciate. Combine two cups powdered milk, one cup 
Epsom salts and one cup sea salt in a large bowl and mix 
well. Store in an airtight jar. When it's bath time, scoop a 
cup of the mixture and dissolve under warm running water. 
Then add a few drops of lavender, rose or eucalyptus oil 


When 

o writer 
goes in 
seorch of 
the great 
auteur 

of the 
golden 
age of 
porn, she 
gels more 
than she 
bargained 
for 


i 


Yt 
BY TONI BENTLEY | 
Photography by Moriu; Bugge. 


110 rights movement. 


Шари llerina, I barely 
ЕЕЕ 01, so my sense of 
ШШШ subjects but classi- 
ins adequately high. 
IEEE since I became a writer, “a 
ПИЩИ) has roamed from clas- 
БЕШЕ сиге to sexual literature to classic sexual literature. 
ШИ months ago, I decided to take a much-needed break 
ПИ toiling over my never-to-be-finished study of Proust, 
Ў: оу and Elmore Leonard to bone up on one of our most 
Pateresting cultural phenomena: pornography. I had heard 
of this long-ago era called the “golden age,” so I thought I 
would start my education at the beginning, often—though 
not always—a good place to start. 
The golden age of porn has mm 
an undisputed point Pr entry: T Т! 11 | | 
Deep Throat. 105 1972 and Linda 
Lovelace—God rest her unhappy “2777 
soul—has her clit in her throat, 


g an absurdist, and pernicious, feminist veneer to an en- 
ist story. While the film’s premise is a frustrated 
woman's search for pleasure, it is in reality the ultimate fella- 
tio fantasy. The film was the career-defining effort of a horny 
hairdresser, Gerard Damiano. (Years later even he admitted, 
rather endearingly, “No, I don't think it's a good movie.") 

I proceeded to Damiano's second hit and far moi 
tive feature, The Devil in Miss Jones, starring Geo! 
Unlike Lovelace, Spelvin manages to inject considerable style 
into her effort; she appears to actually be turned on. 


On to Behind the Green Door, made we 


by the notorious flesh peddlers the 
Mitchell brothers. (Jim eventu- 
ally murdered cokehead brother 
Artie.) Starring Marilyn Cham- 
bers, who had previously modeled 
as a young mother on the famous 
Ivory Snow detergent box, this film 
sports the conceit of a normal and 
respectable young woman who be- 
comes the centerpiece of an orgy 
(she is devoured) in front of a siz- 
able audience; the Ivory Snow girl 
is eventually coupled with an Afri- 
can American man, boxer Johnnie 
Keyes. This film is the first notable 
porn flick to feature an interracial 
fuck—every thrust a bona fide civil 


What's next? The fourth title that 
kept showing up on best-of lists of 
the golden age was The Opening 
of Misty Beethoven by Henry Paris. 
Who? Searching my favorite porn 
site, Amazon.com, I found that this 
1975 film was just rereleased in 
2012 on DVD with all the bells and 
whistles of a Criterion Collection 
Citizen Kane reissue: two discs (re- 
mastered, digitized, uncut, high- 
definition transfer) that include 
director's commentary, outtakes, 
intakes, original trailer, taglines 
and a 45-minute documentary 
on the making of the film; plus a 
magnet, flyers, postcards and a 
60-page booklet of liner notes. 

When Misty arrived in my mailbox days later, I placed the disc 
in my DVD player with considerable skepticism, but a girl has to 
pursue her education despite risks. I pressed PLAY. Revelation. 


First off: The Opening of Misty Beethoven is an actual movie, not 
an extended loop of in-and-out close-ups. In fact, the film 
is so good, so funny, so sexy, that 
you will not be tempted to press 
PAUSE after the usual 12-minutes- 
to-orgasm, time-for-a beer routine 
that porn reliably delivers. This 
may be a downside, depending on 
your expectations, but more likely 
you will be delighted as you realize 
this is hardcore like no other—the 
hardcore we never knew to desire, 
Howard Hawks hardcore. 

We are in Paris, the real one, 
nighttime in a sodden Pigalle, and 
a handsome chap in a trench coat— 
porn legend Jamie Gillis, a rich 
man's Elliott Gould—is meandering 
around looking serious. He is 
renowned sexologist Dr, Seymour Love, a modern-day Kinsey, 
his latest best-seller called The Anals of Passion. He enters a dirty- 
movie theater and encounters a cute, $5-hand-job gal played by 
Constance Money, née Susan Jensen. This young woman's bright 
pink lipstick is painted so far beyond her lovely lips that it all but 
meets the mound of blue eye shadow drowning her sparkling 
blue eyes. The good doctor is both intrigued and appalled by 
‘sexual |-service worker.” He books a session with her at 
anearby maison. As they walk, Dr. Love asks her name. 

“Misty Beethoven.” 


“Is that your real name?” 

“No, I changed it to make myself 
seem more important.” 

“What was it before?” 

“Dolores Beethoven.” 

And so (continued on page 142, 


ГОР: RADLEY METZGER IN HIS PRIME, 
CIRCA THE LATE 19605. MIDDLE: A 
SCENE FROM METZGER'S 1970 MOVIE 
THE LICKERISH QUARTET. FILMED IN 
ROME IN A STUDIO MADE FAMOUS BY 
FELLINI, THIS SHOT FEATURES TWO 
LOVERS IN A LIBRARY, THE FLOOR A. 
GIANT BLOWUP OF A DICTIONARY PAGE 
WITH DEFINITIONS FOR WORDS SUCH 
AS FORNICATE AND ECSTASY. BOTTOM: A 
SCENE FROM METZGER'S "LOVE STORY,” 
THERESE AND ISABELLE. RIGHT: А 
COLLAGE OF METZGER MOVIE POSTERS. 


( Radley Metzger's 
“BODY TO BODY 


à 66. 
STEAM ‘The 


“Brilliant new porn film. No other film is 
going to equal this one. It simply has to 
be the best film of 1976. 100%" 
А 


” 


АМ EROTIC DUET FOR FOUR PLAYERS 


“A classic piece of erotica. . . 
it's the finest blue movie I've 
ever seen. Director Henry 
Paris keeps the action fast, 
fun and furious. It is in- 
ventive, opulent, 
and highly erotic.” 


cot, After Dark 


WITH SILVANA VENTURELLI, FRANK WOLFF, 
ERIKA REMBERO, PAOLO TURCO. 
IN EASTMAN COLOR. 


ШШ se The е 
Opening 


of Mis 
E ЗУ n" 


Introducing 


Money 
with Jamie Gillis Jaqueline Beudant AQuality Adult Film 
Terri Hal/Gloria Leonard/Casey Donovan/Ras Kean 
Directed ву Henry Paris Q 


20 


14 


PLA 


MATE 


OF THE 


A 


YE. 


KENNEDY 
SUMMERS 


THE LIVING EMBODIMENT OF EVERY THING 


GLORIFIED THROUGH THE YEARS 


PLAYMAT 
BRAINS. BEAUTY, SEN. 


KENNEDY SUMMERS IS YOUR бОТИ ANNIVERSARY PMOY 


оеви ‘Dr, Playmate of the Year’ sound 
awesome?” says Kennedy Summers, It 
sure does. For our 60th year of publi- 
cation we wanted our PMOY to have it 
all, and Kennedy has it in spades. Not 
only does she possess off-the-charts 
pulchritude, this brainy bombshell 
has degrees in anthropology and health administration, 
with a Ph.D. in medicine on the way. The Berlin-born, 
Virginia-raised international model first submitted pic- 
tures of herself to us online from her then hometown 
of Chicago, which happens to be pLavnoY's birthplace. 
“1 had decided I was done with modeling and thought 
becoming a Playmate would be the most amazing way 
to finish out my 12-year modeling career,” Kennedy 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY 


MICHAEI 


explains. Although her adventures in front of the cam- 
era had taken her to Europe and Asia on all kinds of hot 
assignments, she'd never posed nude before she walked 
into our studio. Sixty years to the month after Marilyn 
Monroe appeared on the cover of pLaysov, Kennedy 
became Miss December 2013. But your votes—and 
Hef—wouldn't let that be the end of Kennedy's mod- 
eling days. "I'm Playmate of the Year now 
her robust lips curling into a broad smile 
see that coming!" Since our new PMOY lists travel as 
one of her ultimate pleasures, we wanted to gift her 
with a most extraordinary trip for her next shoot: a 
time-traveling journey through each decade of our 
existence. “It was a crazy, sexy, fun flight,” she says. 
So buckle in, turn the page and take off. 


BERNARD 


ША 


ТНЕ 


Midcentury America 


had the squeaky-clean k 
image of Ozzie and LS 
Harriet until Hef, hip- ' 


swiveling Elvis and 

the Kinsey Report 

(Sexual Behavior in 

the Human Female) | 

pulled the curtains 

back on that farce, 

revealing us all for 

what we are: creature 

of абы ку 
ity. Here, Kennedy š 
channellithe 1950s . 

aesthetic like the рго 
she is. “I really like 
that 1950s housewife 

look," she says. “I don't 
fit that personality 
type, but as far as the 
style goes, it's beauti 
ful. And I like curvy 
women. It's the орро- 
site of men, and it's 

also very healthy, I feel 
really sexy in these 

outfits—especially the р 
thigh-highs." As hip- = 

sters said in the 1950s, 

out of sight! 


KODAK SAFETY FILM 


SAFETY 
ог<- 


ТНЕ 


60; 


“Tlove how women 
looked in the 1960s,” 
says Kennedy. “I think 
it’s my favorite style. 
I want Bardot bang 
Channeling Brigitte— 
our onetime cover 


girl—Kennedy sweeps 
us back to the era of 
swinging London, 
microminis and the 
Chicago Playboy 
Mansion, epicenter 
of all things cool. 
Norman Mailer (one 
of the many liter. 
luminaries who filled 
our pages at the time) 
said of the latter, “It 
was like being опа 
spaceship, outward 
bound.” Blastoff! 


26 KODAK 5026 VPS 27 KODAK 5026 VPS 


-—— 0 


— .. 
с 


ТІЛІ БЕРУІ ІНШІ munus 2 у MU nuu real ELT | АТШЫ 250 MO oo ум 


20 KODAK 5026 VF 


W'A гой уи 


ТНЕ 


Inspiring this stop on 
our journey is Lau- 
rel Canyon, the Los 
Angeles enclave that 

was the center of 
the 1970s California 
music scene. Fleet- 
wood Mac, the Eagles 
and Joni Mitchell all 
made their mellow 
magic in these hills— 
not far from Playboy 

Mansion West. “I com- 
pletely relate to this 

decade's aesthetic,” says 

Kennedy, “Its peaceful, 
laid-back vibe, with 

light makeup and loose 

hair, is so me, And the 
whole burn-your-bra 
thing was happening 
back then. I hate bras!" 
As President Jimmy 
Carter says in his 1976 
Playboy Interview; 

"I've looked on a lot of 

women with lust." You 

said it, Jimmy. 


MM 


(M 
1041 


KODAK SAFETY FILM 6036 


Gig Gangels, , 
fold on. 


222 


2250 


> 


905 


American women fully 
owned their sexual- 
ity in the 1990s, And 
photographer Helmut 
Newton shot them 
for PLAYBOY, capturing 
their power and allure 


a Jean Paul 
athera 
bustier and a “Justify 
My Love"-style cap, 
Kennedy poses with 
a take-no-prisoners 
attitude, a salute to the 
legendary Newton. "I 
feel in char; 


ally powerful. You 
can’t wear spikes on 
your boobs and not 

feel really tough.” 


STYLING. 
EMMA TRASK 
FOR OPUS BEAUTY 


HAIR 

ROQUE 
FORTRACEY 
MATTINGLYAGENCY 


MAKEUP 
JOSTRETTELL 
FOR THE MAGNET 
AGENCY 


THE 


——^ 
OOs 
aw 


‘Through the decades, 
agreat part of 
PLAYBOY s undertaking 
has been to celebrate 
women, from 
Marilyn Monroe to 
Pamela Anderson, 
Cindy Crawford 
to Crystal Hefner. 
Now it's Kennedy 
Summers's turn to 
take center stage, in 
all her voluptuous 
and brainy glory. "As 
2014's Playmate of 
the Year, I'm moving 
from Chicago, where 
it all began, to Los 
Angeles," she says. 
"My mission is to help 
Playboy thrive, as it 
always has, to break 
boundaries and carry 
us into the future. 
I couldn't be more 
excited!” Neither 
could ме. 


PLAYBOY 


124 


EXTREME (PART 2) 


Continued from page 82. 


dollars," Lev answers, 
“TI choose take," Kurt says. 


Lev also has the Ozerov's cruising route, 
which had to be filed with the Peruvian 
Maritime Information System. 

“Yegor is going through the Panama 
Canal," Lev says, "then making a stop 
in Buenaventura, Colombia—not coinci- 
dentally the port for Cali—to pick up a 
payment from some clients." 

‘Then the Ozerov will cruise down the 
coast of Ecuador, graze the coast of Peru 
and turn right (starboard) across the 
Pacific toward the Cook Islands. 

“Finding a boat in the ocean at night is 
going to be difficult," Kurt says. 

“No, it won't,” Lev says. “I'll guide 
you in. 

“How?” 

“ГЇЇ be onboard.” 

Lev has made up with his stepfather. 
Gone Hamlet-like to Yegor's Laertes and 
promised to be a good boy from now on 
and faithful to the king. Said he wanted to 
learn the family business from the inside. 

(That much is true, anyway. 

So Lev will be on the boat a hand- 
held laser-guidance device to pinpoint 
the target for them. 

Lev then pulls out a volume enti- 
tled Sailing Directions 125; West Coast of 
South America, put out by the National 
Geospatial-Intelligence Agency, and 
they go over maps of the coast and its 
waters. The book gives them information 
on tides, depths, currents, ports, light- 
houses, towns, villages, weather patterns, 
naval bases and landmarks. 

They have to hit the boat within the 
range of an aircraft they can both acquire 
and afford. A Cessna 208, for instance, 
has a maximum range of 1,240 miles, so 
the raid can't take place more than 600 
miles off the coast. 

But the plane can't fly them back. 

"Unless we use a seaplane," Kurt says. 


“It’s heist talk," Kurt says, “and then 
get back on the plane.” 

"They'll see the plane coming," Lev 
says. “We'll get blown out of the water 
before we can board. And even if we 


didn’t, police would be waiting for us 
when we landed.” 

Lev's stepfather owns the police in sev- 
eral countries. 

“Zodiacs,” Kurt says. 

They drop Zodiacs from the plane and 
row back. 

Тоо slow, Lev says, and limits their 
range to а max of 50 miles offshore. And 
even а 50-mile row in that current and 
December weather might be too much. 
And besides — 

There's a bigger problem, so to speak. 

^ billion dollars weighs a little more 
than 22,000 pounds. 

vould take a minimum of 40 


a dozen possibilities. 
“We could just take part of it,” Paige 

suggests, but you’re pretty much looking 
all-or-nothing-at-all people here. 

Then—— 

“We're idiots,” Paige says. “Тһе way off 
the boat is already on the boat.” 

This strikes Kurt and Lev as a little too 
grasshopper for their tastes, but Paige 
points to a photo of the Ozerov. 

Specifically, the helicopter. 

“Could that carry 22,000 pounds and a 
few people?" Paige asks. 

"They hit the internet and discover that. 
the chopper is a Mil Mi-17, and yes, it can. 
carry 22,000 pounds and a few people. 

"Can you fly a helicopter?" Paige asks Lev. 

^I can." 

Paige shrugs. 

Eloquently. 

Well, there you go, grasshopper. 


Paige's solution is, well, genius, but still 
leaves problems. 

They would have to land the chopper 
on the coast, where it would serve as a 
marker to their escape route. 

Which would be bad. 

After due consideration, Kurt asks, 
“What if we don't land the helicopter?” 

“Are you suggesting flying into infin- 
ity?” Paige asks. 

"I'm suggesting landing it in the water, 
as it were.” 

“That would be called a crash,” Paige 
observes. 

“Exactly,” Kurt answers. “Тһе helicop- 
ter plan is good, but good is the greatest 
enemy of great.” 

“If this robbery thing doesn’t work 
out?” Paige says. “You might consider 
motivational speaker. You're good- 
looking enough, and you already have 
the glib bullshit thing down.” 

“Mock if you must,” Kurt says, “but 
Yegor didn't become a multibillionaire by 
giving up. He'll never stop looking for us, 
and the aim of this whole thing isn't to 
spend the rest of our lives running.” 

“Uhhh,” Paige says. The entire pur- 
pose of this thing is exactly so she can 
spend the rest of her life running. 

“As fugitives,” Kurt clarifies. 


“What are you suggesting?” Lev asks. 

“We drown,” Kurt says. “Yegor finds 
the remnants of his helicopter and some 
of his money in the ocean. He sends div- 
ers for his money, not meres after the 
thieves, because he makes the reasonable 
but false assumption that we're dead.” 

“Which we might be,” Paige says, “try- 
ing to safely crash—please note the oxy- 
moronic juxtaposition of adverb and 
verb—into the water.” 

Kurt admits it's extreme. 

But that's what so good about it. 


Now that they pretty much know the 
what, the next question is the where. 

"They need an escape route that takes 
advantage of their skill sets, i.e., a series 
of biomes and terrains they can traverse 
quickly and their pursuers slowly or, bet- 
ter yet, not at all. 

And it has to be an area into which they 
can disappear and from which they can 
use their newfound wealth to purchase 
new identities and emerge chrysalis-like 
as new-formed beings. 

(Money makes all things new again.) 

After weeks of research—poring over 
books, the internet and Google Earth— 
they find that the combination of these 
qualities has a name: 

Ecuador. 

The Republic of the Equator. 

Which, they agree, has a nice balance to it. 

Good place to disappear into. 

But actually, they'll hit the yacht off 
the Peruvian coast at Cabo Blanco, near 
the border with Ecuador, then ultrama- 
rathon across а 70-mile stretch of the Se- 
chura Desert—the northernmost section 
of the great Atacama Desert—into the 
highlands around Zamora, Ecuador, at 
the foot of the Andes. 

Confident that if they have to go into 
the mountains—— 

No one can catch them there. 


Execution also requires teamwork. 

Which, as the word implies (in fact, de- 
mands), requires a team. 

They will need more than just the 
three of them, as they intend to attack the 
boat from the air, which means a plane, 
which means a pilot. 

And if the air in question is over the 
ocean, ideally you want a Navy pilot. 

Dave Davids was one of such. 

He grew up on a farm-slash-ranch in 
Enid, Oklahoma and from early childhood 
decided he wanted to see the ocean. What 
he'd seen enough of was dirt—plowing dirt, 
seeding dirt, kicking dirt, scrubbing dirt out 
of his skin and from under his fingernails. 

Water, Dave reasoned, was clean. 

Also, he watched Top Gun until he wore 
out the tape. 

So when D2 went to Stillwater (OSU, 
go Cowboys), he joined ROTC and even- 
tually became a Navy aviator so he could 
take off and land from the dirt-free deck 
of an aircraft carrier. 


9 2 и 


4 


"Guess what, Momsy? I did shame-shame all night with а naked lady and my wee-wee didn't fall off." 


125 


PLAYBOY 


Dave is a firm believer in the old Navy 
aviation rule that you have to make up 
your mind—you can either be a pilot or 
grow up, but you can't do both. He did 
enough time in the Navy to cash out for the 
cushy airline job, but Dave went the other 
way with it. Not for him hauling old ladies 
from Duluth to Decatur to see the grand- 
kids. Dave decided to contribute to inter- 
American relations by flying the product of 
South America to North America. 

With stops in Central America. 

So it isn't difficult to talk D2 into taking 
this assignment because 

(a) D2 wants to retire. 

(b) Other people want D? to retire. 

(c) He's used to flying in South Ameri- 
ca, where people want to kill (retire) him. 

(d) The ethical issues of criminality are 
obviously not a problem. 

(e) All of the above. 

"They find D2 at his bachelor pad (Dave is 
of that age when a man still has a bachelor 
pad) in Coronado, San Diego, conveniently 
near the Mexican border (so that, once 
again, he could go the other way with it if the 
situation dictated) and close enough to the 
ocean to be considered far from dirt. 

He takes them to a bar frequented by 
Navy SEALs. 

Kurt and Paige have known D2 for years. 
He's flown them on any number of jumps, 
and now he sips a Bud (D2 is of that age 
when a man still...) and listens to the plan. 

He takes off his Padres baseball cap, runs 
his fingers through his thinning, sandy 
hair, replaces the cap, looks at Lev and 
asks, “How good a chopper pilot are you?” 

“Quite good.” 

“Quite good ain't quite good enough,” 
D2 says. “Flying a chopper is one thing, 
crashing it is another. Crashing it on water 
is yet another. I know, I've done all three. 
Landed on a submarine deck one time and 
rolled the goddamn thing, and let me tell 
you, if a chopper wants to roll over, it’s like 
ап old hound dog, it's going to roll. But try 
to make it roll——" 

“Dave?” Kurt asks. "What are you 
suggesting?" 

What he suggests is extreme. 


Next. 

Another reality they have to face is that 
none of them knows dick about guns (yeah, 
yeah, Freud, I get it, please) and that the Rus- 
sian mercenaries on the yacht definitely do. 

“We need a military type,” Paige says, 
“with antisocial tendencies.” 

“Former airborne,” Kurt says. 

“But with a variegated skill set,” 
adds, “especially in mountaineering.” 
“Would he do it, though?” Paige asks. 

They drive to Telluride to find out. 

Neither Kurt nor Paige knows what 
Woody Barnes did in the Army’s 10th Moun- 
tain Division, and he doesn't talk about it 
except when he’s a little drunk and lets es- 
cape references to Afghanistan, Pakistan, the 
Hindu Kush and “wasting tangos.” They do 
know that he has a veritable charm bracelet 
of Purple Hearts to show for it, as well as an 
antisocial (see above) attitude leading him to 


Lev 


126 the cabin he built himself way the fuck up 


in the mountains and out in the woods. 
(Because if one is good, two is better.) 

They do know he can jump (they've 
jumped with him), wingsuit (ditto), ski 
and climb (ditto, ditto). 

When they pull up in their jeep he 
greets them with a 30.06 Winchester and 
the words “I guess you can't read a no 
trespassing sign that says PRIVATE, KEEP THE 
Fuck our. Oh, it's you." 

Woody is an intense man of about five- 
foot-10, all of it muscle, black hair, dark 
eyes, dark soul. 

He does not like people. (“Wolves are a 
vastly superior species.”) 

He does like Kurt and Paige. 

Kurt because he’s a hell of an efficient 
mountain-rescue guy and Paige because 
she could probably run down a mule deer, 
which is a very wolflike thing to do. 

He invites them in for scotch and elk. 

“Actually, I'm vegan,” Paige says. 

“This was a free-range elk,” Woody 


given name is Jake. 
“I guess my parents never read The Sun 
Also Rises,” he explained to Kurt once. 
When he did, he changed his name 
to Woody. 


The question is—what are 
you going to do with a 
billion dollars in cash once 
you've landed it? No bank 
in the world is going to 
accept a billion in cash. 


After dinner (Paige dined on wild aspar- 
agus and dandelion salad), Kurt and Paige 
describe the purpose of their visit. 

“Lev. Intense Russian guy.” Woody de- 
scribing someone as intense is akin to 
Joseph Goebbels describing someone as 
anti-Semitic. “Good climber.” 

“That's him." 

“Russian mercs.” 

“Yup.” 

“Water jump.” 

“Ocean jump, yes.” 

"I'm not a fucking SEAL.” 

“Its а lot of money, Woody.” 

Woody gestures around the cabin. Wood- 
stove, gas lanterns, bed, chairs, books. Lots 
o' books—Dostoyevsky, Tolstoy, Turgenev, 
Hemingway, Harrison. “I don't need money.” 

It's а по. 

‘Then Woody says, “I do need something 
to do. Тһе squirrels out there? Im starting 
to name them." 

"Wow." 

"Yeah," Woody says. 
them harder." 


"Makes eating 


Okay, so you got your sky guy and your 
gun guy, now you need your water guy. 


‘They find Crazy Isaiah right where they 
expected to (find him, if you're hung up on 
the participle thing). 

At the Hanalei Taste lunch stand, quaff- 
ing a plate lunch. (A plate lunch, for the 
uninitiated, is two scoops of rice, macaroni 
salad and, in this case, katsu chicken.) Actu- 
ally, two plate lunches, because Crazy Isaiah 
is a big Hawaiian kanaka—six-foot-seven, 
three bills, most of it muscle. 

The Hanalei Taste is within walking dis- 
tance of Hanalei Bay, Kauai and within 
easy driving reach of some of the world's 
best surfing spots. 

Crazy Isaiah is a waterman. 

Not a surfer—a waterman, and there's a 
big difference. Now, CI can surf, hell yes 
he can—from 80-foot monsters to one-foot 
beach breaks—he can longboard, short- 
board, paddleboard—but he can also do 
anything else you might need or want to do 
in the ocean—swim, dive, fish, spearfish, 
sail, kayak, motorboat, navigate. He knows 
the ocean. He reads currents and waves 
like an accountant reads a spreadsheet. 

You look at the ocean and you see one thing. 

CI looks at the ocean, he sees thousands 
of things. 

So when СІ is sitting staring out at the 
ocean, there are two possibilities—he's baked 
himself into a daze, or he’s absorbing knowl- 
edge. Now, without taking his eyes off his food, 
he says, “Sorry about Latch. Solid dude.” 

“Yeah.” 

“Т paddled out for him." 

“T know he'd appreciate that." 

“When it’s my time, bruddah, I’m just 
going to swim behind the break and let 
Mother Ocean take care of it.” 

“T hear that.” 

Kurt lays out his proposal. 

CI hears him out and then says, “So 
you want me to Jet Ski out into the moana, 
pick up a pilot off a crashed helicopter 
and bring him in—in the winter, off Cabo 
Blanco. With angry Russians in pursuit.” 

How Crazy Isaiah got his name was he 
hooked a great white from his longboard and 
let it tow him from Princeville to Haena. It 
was Kurt who gave him the name when he 
heard about it and said, “That's crazy, Isaiah." 

So to Isaiah, crazy is a term of approba- 
tion, not opprobrium. 

"I've surfed Cabo Blanco,” СІ says. 

“One of the reasons we wanted you,” 
Kurt says. 

Kurt hasn't surfed CB, Peru—but it's icon- 
ic, known as the banzai pipeline ofthe Amer- 
icas. Technology has changed things, but the 
way they used to predict surf at CB was to 
see what was going on in Hawaii and then 
wait five days for the wave to arrive in Peru. 

"Depending on the swell," CI says, "might 
be tough landing a ski through that break. 
Could capsize, especially with a rider." 

"What are you thinking?" 

"Ski to the break," CI says, "then surf in." 

"Huh." 

“It could get nasty,” CI adds. 

“Let’s hope,” Kurt answers. 

Тһе worse, the better. 

Тһе worstest, the best. 


‘They need one more member of the team. 


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128 


‘The laundry guy. 

The question is—what are you going to 
do with a billion dollars in cash once you've 
landed it? How do you transport it? And 
to where? No bank in the world (outside 
of maybe New Orleans and Providence, 
Rhode Island) is going to accept a billion 
in cash, and those two towns are a long way 
from Cabo Blanco. 

D2 has the answet 

"Alvaro Mendoza," he says over a Bud. 

*Who is Alvaro Mendoza?" 

“Mister Clean," D2 answers. “Actually, 
Señor Clean. The Colombians swear by him." 

"Can we trust him?" Lev asks. 

“ОҒ course not," D2 says. "We do the 
same thing that the Colombians do. Sit be- 
side him with a shotgun until he moves the 
money into safe, numbered accounts. As 
long as you have a gun to his head, Alvaro 
is a Boy Scout." 

“How much will this cost us?” asks Lev. 

"Six points. Maybe five with this kind 
of bulk." 

“And he'll physically move the money?" 
Kurt asks. 

Physically, metaphysically, symboli- 


cally, electronically, digitally, whatever. 
Señor Clean moves money. 


The team assembled, the next step, as it 
must be in any caper-slash-heist story, is — 

‘Training. 

You don't just drop out of the sky onto a 
boat in the ocean at night, relieve it of Carl 
Sagan numbers of dollars and disappear 
without practicing first. 

Or do you? 

“The question,” Kurt says at the team’s 
first meeting, held at a rented house out- 
side of Moab, “is how?” 

How do you practice dropping out of the 
sky onto a boat in the ocean at night, reliev- 
ing it of Carl Sagan numbers of dollars and 
disappearing when: the practice is as danger- 
ous as the actual event; you don't have a boat 
in the ocean on which to practice; said prac- 
tice might draw unwanted attention to what 
you're practicing for; and all the little money 
you have is going for the actual thing. 

Woody has the answer, based on dozens 
of missions. 

“You do what you can.” 


"Oh! You're heterosexual! I love that in a man!” 


Words to live by. 

Hopefully not to die by. 

Listen, you're talking about people who 
are preparation freaks. 

For whom training is a way of life, peo- 
ple who know that the difference between 
living and dying in the sky, on a mountain, 
is often a matter of the endless 
repetition you've put yourself through so 
that when the unexpected happens your 
mind and muscles aren't busy with the ex- 
pected but just do it naturally and free you 
up to handle the new stuff. 

But they're also realists, they get it—— 

Yeah—you do what you can. 

They build a mock-up of the Ozerov. 

Of sorts. 

What they do is stake out ropes in the 
desert that replicate the Боа з various 
decks, then practice the assault, over and 
over again (as the word practice indicates) 
until it becomes muscle memory. 

Likewise with the weaponry. 

Woody selects the same weapon for Kurt 
and Paige—the HK MP5-N popular with 
special ops around the world—with wet 
technology sound suppressors. Easy to 
jump with, good in close quarters. 

“But there isn't going to be any sound to 
be suppressed,” Paige says, “because we're 
not shooting, remember?” 

“Right,” Woody says, somewhat unconvinc- 
ingly. For himself he's chosen the Remington 
870 Tactical 12-gauge shotgun. "In case we 
need to make a big mess in a tight situation." 

“But, again —" 

“Yes, Paige.” He explains that she has to 
look like she knows how to handle a weap- 
on exactly so she doesn't have to use it. If 
Yegor's people (which Woody admits sounds 
like a bad horror film) get a sense she can't 
or won't, violence will ensue, And as the best 
way to look like you know is to actually know, 
Paige is diligent about learning the HK. 

Which is as much as saying that Paige 
is Paige. 

"Where did you get these weapons?" 
Kurt asks. 

Woody shrugs like, where else? 

Arizona. 


. 
They practice. 

Phase one: insertion. 

(This is Woody's terminology, and Paige 
refrains from comment.) 

"Land" in the water. 

(Ditto from Paige—too obvious.) 

"Gain" the deck. 

"Secure the opposition." 

Phase two: target acquisition. 

Woody makes Yegor open the vault. 

Collect the "target." 

(“Is that the money?” Paige asks. 

“That would be the money,” Woody 
answers.) 

Kurt guards the opposition. 

D? acquires the helicopter. 

Phase three: exfiltration. 

("Sounds like a skin product," 
Paige observes.) 

Load the helicopter. 

Lev and Paige access the chopper. 

Woody and Kurt cover and follow. 

Chopper takes off. 


"They do it over and over and over again, 
with variations as to where the Russian mercs 
might be located. They practice what to do if 
one or more of them gets wounded, what to 
do if, indeed, the mercs "offer opposition." 
“Тһе plan there," Woody explains, “із 
for all of you to basically get out of my way 
while I kill them all." 
“Again...,” Paige object 
“Exigency,” Lev assures her. 
‘The rest of it they can't really practice. 
“You can’t practice crashing a chopper,” 
D2 says, sounding for all the world like 
Allen Iverson. “I mean, I've crashed three 
of them. Is that practice 
Paige is not exactly reassured by this. 


‘They don't need to practice riding big waves, 
because all of their lives have been spent lit- 
erally or metaphorically riding big waves. 

(Well, not D2.) 

“Charlie don't surf,” he says. “I'm stay- 
ing in the boat.” 

(In addition to Top Gun, D2 has apparently 
also worn out his tape of Apocalypse Now.) 

They do need practice getting out of 
the parachute rigs and wingsuits in a cold 
ocean, so what they do is rent a cabin up 
near Little River, row a boat out into the 
fog and jump into the cold northern Cali- 
fornia sea in all their gear. 

It's tough, because you have the use of 
your arms or legs to stay afloat, but rarely 
both at the same time, and then you have 
to stuff the gear into a wet bag, strap it 
across your back and swim. 

‘Ten strokes under the water, two strokes 
on top to breathe, then back under. 

‘They practice this in the daytime until 
they have it down, 

"Then they do it at night 

One thing that spurs efficiency 
this is very sharky water, CI tells them. 

Great whites. 

He performs some kind of Hawaiian 
blessing over the water to ask the sharks to 
leave them alone. 

Paige is not exactly reassured by this. 


that 


There's a point at which practice dulls in- 
stead of sharpens. 

‘And anyway, they're out of calendar. 

Lev goes to Panama to catch the boat. 

The rest travel in phases to Gua 
quil, Ecuador. 

Where D2 "knows a guy" with a Cessna. 
208. 

Kurt and Paige get a room at the Hotel 
Oro Verde. 

It's all ready to go. 

Then la virazón hits. 


Theyd read about these seasonal winds in 
the book. 

Storms are rare off the coast of Peru, but 
la virazón blows up every once in a while. 

The flying will be tricky. 

The jump trickier. 

The seas will be rough. 

The banzai pipeline at Cabo Blanco 
kamikaze banzai 

In the morning, fanatic surfers will flock 


to the beach to catch those waves. 
But that's in the morning. 
They're going tonight. 


“This is getting very real,” Paige says as 
they watch the weather report in bed and 
listen to the windows rattle. 

Kurt would normally object to the use of 
a modifier with real, believing that things 
are either real or not, that there are no 
gradations to reality, but he doesn't want to 
piss her off, so he settles for, “It is real. Are 
you having second thoughts?” 

“And third and fourth and fifth.” 

“It's either go or no-go,” Kurt says. 

It's too late to replace her. 

“I don't want to kill anyone,” Paige say 

“Neither do L” 

“And I don't want to die." 

"Agreed." 

"And I don't want you to die." 

He pulls her tight against him, reaches 
around and puts his hands on her wide strong 
shoulders, feels her pubes press against him. 
"We've based our lives on the principle 
that living is more than just not dying. It's 
worked out well so far. 

Paige reaches down and slips him in- 
side her. 

Looks into his eyes and smiles. 

He has the Kurt-like discipline not to move. 

Its a game between them, a challenge. 

Not to move and stay hard. 

Not to move and stay wet. 

First one to move loses. 

And wins. 

Her muscles squeeze. 

“Bitch.” 

“I told you to take those tantric classes." 

“Too many hippies,” Kurt says. “Patch- 
ouli oil 

“Surrender, Dorothy.” 

“Fuck you. 

“Sure, talk dirty, that will help,” she s 
then moans, “Pm leaking down you, can 
you feel that?" 

He can and holds out for 30 more sec- 
onds before he moves. Rolls on top of her, 
stretches her arms out above her head and 
holds them there and then they're in the 
wave, on the mountain, and it's a different 
contest now and he wins this one and when 
she comes she says, "I love you.” 


The zaravan rattles like a 
malaria victim 

It took off from the private (read: drug 
trafficker's) strip on the Isla Рипа, Ecuador 
and is now in the sky over the Pacific, in the 
fist of la virazón that shakes and tosses it. 

D? at the stick, flying low, literally under 
the radar. 

Woody, Paige and Kurt in the hold. 

Winter wet suits under the wingsuits. 

Polypropylene gloves. 

"They've checked and rechecked their 
equipment. 

Parachute riggings. 

Headlamps. 

3low sticks. 

Weapons in wet bags. 

Woody has tampons taped around 
his ankles. 


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130 


"Seriously?" Paige had asked. 

"Entry wounds," he answered. "Stanch 
the bleeding." 

She notices that he didn't say anything 
about exit wounds. 

Night jumps are more dangerous be- 
cause you can't see the surface coming up 
at you, getting larger and larger. 

Ocean jumps more dangerous yet. 

Pull the chute too late, you go in with too 
much velocity and the water might as well be 
concrete. Get tangled in your equipment, it 
pulls you under and there's no one waiting 
in a Zodiac this time to pull you out. 

And they have to navigate so precisely, to 
get close enough to the boat. 

Without colliding with it. 

In this buffeting wind. 

She remembers the wind the day that 
Latchkey died. How close they'd come to 
calling that jump off. And that was just for 
pride, for sponsorships. 

We should have called it off, she thinks, 
the vision of him smashing into the steel 
still too vivid in her mind. 

Paige feels the plane start to climb. 

Going to take it up to 14,000 so they 
can't be spotted from the boat. Not that 
the people on the boat could hear them 
anyway, in this wind. Not that they're even 
worried about being attacked in the open 
ocean in the middle of a virazón. 

This is crazy, Paige thinks. 

‘Too crazy. 

‘Too extreme. 


Crazy Isaiah looks out at the whitecaps. 

Listens to the cannons go off. 

Waves big, getting bigger. 

Headed for a closeout, but he has to find a 
way out there. People are counting on him. 

Eddie would go, he thinks. 

So would Isaiah. 

He starts the motor and runs parallel 
to the surf for 50 yards south with the 
inshore current, searching for a gap but 
can't find one, so he turns the bow straight 


into the wave. Risky, especially towing a 
quiver of three boards. Goes up and up, 
vertical and then almost backward, thinks 
he is going to flip, to capsize, but makes it 
over the top and then plunges down. 

It’s still rough in the heavy swell, but he's 
past the break. 

Coming back in will be another story. 

A mile out the current switches from 
south to north and he adjusts accordingly, 
feeling it under the skin of the boat. 

"The ocean is in his blood, in his DNA. 

He's a waterman. 


Lev gets out of the Jacuzzi and towels off. 
Puts on jeans, a bulky black knit sweater 
and desert boots. Goes out of his cabin, past 
his stepdad and mom's, and hears they're 
otherwise engaged. (“Refrain tonight, and 
that shall lend a kind of easiness to the next 
abstinence....”) 

He walks up to the deck. 

Can see the captain on the bridge. 

With one of the mercs. 

Five more are playing cards in the din- 
ing cabin. 

"Two asleep. 

Four on watch. 

‘The yacht anchored for the night against 
the storm. 

Lev walks aft and points the laser device 
toward the sky. 


“Got it,” Kurt says, looking into his GPS. 

D2 hears him, sets the autopilot to fly 
the plane away from shipping lanes. The 
Cessna will live for 50 more miles, run out 
of fuel and crash into the deep Pacific. D2 
pushes a button that slides the bay door 
open, and climbs back into the hold. 

Kurt will go out first, his device strapped 
to his shoulder, honing in on Lev's signal. 

Woody next, training on the light at- 
tached to Kurt's helmet. 

D? after him. 

Paige on sweep, to help, if she can, 


"Pizza's here!" 


anyone gets into trouble. 

Now Kurt moves to the bay door. 

Looks at his teammates and nods. 

Looks back to Paige and smiles, hop- 
ing she can see it. 

He balances in the bay door and 
then jumps. 


Plunging through darkness 
Is an interesting sensation. 
Feeling motion but. 

Not seeing it as 

Wind 

Bangs him 

Forces him down 

Then up 

"Then across. 

‘Tries to smash him 

Crumple him up like paper and 
‘Toss him away. 

Kurt relies on an instrument 
Numbers 

And a small red light 

Not his own instincts 

To tell him where he is and 
What he needs to do. 


Paige sees his light 100 feet below. 
Wind no friendlier to her, по 
Respecter of gender 
But she has long known that there is no 
Chivalry in nature. 
She maintains her form 
Arms stretched out to catch the air 
Legs straight back to maintain speed 
Eyes on the light below. 
No 


Ground to guide her 

No 

Landmarks 

But her mind... 

What she thinks about is 

Peter Pan 

Jumping from Wendy's window into the 
Kensington night 

And she recites to herself 

“Second star to the right and straight on 
till morning” 

‘The flight path to Neverland 

(a.k.a. the Island of the Birds). 

Paige was never Wendy and isn’t now, she 

Was always Peter, she 

Never needed help to fly. 


Kurt, he's more Springsteen — 
“Take a right at the light 
Keep going straight until night. 
And then, boy, you're on your own." 
‘Too bad he thinks of that 
Wishes he didn't because 
At about 7,000 feet 
Lev's light goes out. 


"What are you doing out here?" 

Lev switches off the laser, slides it under 
his sweater. "Watching the storm." 

“Mind it doesn't wash you over," the 
merc says. He cups his hand and lights a 
cigarette in the wind. 

Offers one to Lev, who shakes his head. 

"That's right," the теге says, "you're a 


health nut. I'm losing at cards. Thought Га 
get some air before I lose my whole pay.” 
He stands beside Lev. 


е 
Kurt. 
Who rarely believes in relative degrees 
of anything 


Now realizes that there are relative de- 
grees of darkness. 

"There's the darkness of no sun or stars 
or moon, there's the 

Darkness you have to endure to get to 
the light and there's the 

Darkness you feel when you're 

Lost 

With only 6,000 feet to go. 

Directionless 

Kurt peers through the darkness 

Rain slashes now, making 

It even harder to see. 

If they come down too far from the boat 

They're dead 

Will drown before morning 

Under a black sea and sky. 

I guess, Kurt thinks, 

We all die in darkness anyway. 


From 100 feet above 
Paige can feel Kurt slow down 
Sense that he's pulled in, evened out. 
Is cruising 
A nighthawk searching for prey and she 
Wonders what's gone wrong. 
"This isn't Kurt's style, he's 
A full-speed plunger, a diver, a 
Cut-to-the-chaser. 
Hesitation 
Is not Kurt, whom she has often heard say, 
“Hesitation kills.” 
. 


"Three thousand feet 

The altimeter says 

Blinking red like a warning. 

Useless to know altitude without direc- 
tion, he already knows that 

He's plummeting toward the sea, he has 
no choice but to 

Pull the chute and it 

Jerks him up. 

And he starts to slow and then to float 
and then he sees 

Green and red lights. 

‘The starboard and port lights of the yacht 
respectively, the boat's shape now so familiar 
from ropes on desert sand—outlined in the 
night, and he swings on the lines to guide 
and navigate and hopes his teammates have 
pulled the cord and are doing the same as 
he aims for a point 100 yards from the aft. 

Green and red 

"The colors of Christmas 

Gifts under tree and 

He loosens his chest rig before he hits 
the water 

Pulls up his knees 

And then he hits. 


Lev has the clock in his head. 

Knows that if they're coming, if they're 
not hopelessly lost in the absence of the 
laser, they're coming any second. 


Can he shove the man beside him off? Start. 
this bloodless effort with a bloodless murder? 
Or distract him? Get him out of the way? 

Тһе clock in Lev's head isn't ticking, 
it's pounding. 

A fuse that can't be unlit. 

A time bomb that can't be stopped. 

He says, "You know what I do smoke?" 

Тһе merc gives that twisted little smile 
of the co-conspirator. "Against the rules." 

“But do you have any?" Lev asks. "For 
a pricez" 

‘The merc weighs the risk-reward factor. 

Comes down on the reward side. 

“ГЇЇ be back," he says. 


"The water is cold. 

Even in the wet suit, the water is shock- 
ingly, breathtakingly cold as Paige goes un- 
der for just a second, fights to the surface 
and sheds her harness before the chute can 
drag her away with the current. 

Frog-kicking, she pulls off her wingsuit, 
stuffs it into the wet bag and starts to swim. 

‘Toward the lights of the boat 

And Woody and D2 

And Kurt 

‘Treading water, waiting for her, then 
As practiced 
‘They form a line and swim 
Counting it out 
‘Ten strokes under the water 
Surface and breathe for two strokes 
Ten strokes under 
Surface and breathe 
Gets into а nice rhythm 
Comes up and sees 
Lev throw a life preserver. 


‘Then it's all hustle. 
Frog-kicking aft, Woody opens the heavy 


wet bag and distributes the weapons. 
They pull black hoods over their faces. 
Then Woody goes up the ladder. 
Followed by Kurt and D2. 
Paige climbs up, meets Lev and they move. 


With the ease of practice. 

The push of adrenaline. 

‘They move through the boat to their 
assignments. 

This is chess, not checkers, because 
they have already thought through the 
problem—how do you quickly capture 12 
people on a 535-foot boat—and the answer 
is, you can't, you don't. You don't try to 
capture all the pieces (checkers), you just 
capture the king (chess). 

Woody and Kurt are first through the door 
to Yegor's cabin. They catch him in bed, he sits 
up and flicks on the light to see black-hooded 
invaders with guns pointed at his chest. 

"Go ahead," Woody says, "push the alarm." 

“1 already have,” Yegor says calmly. 

Tousled thick red hair, jowly face you 
might expect of an oligarch. Lev’s mother 
is blonde and lovely, pulls the sheet over 
her lovely chest. 

Woody grabs Yegor by his (silk) pajama 
shirt and hauls him out of the bed as they 
hear the (expected) sound of footsteps 
running toward the cabin. Pulling Yegor 
in front of him—human shield—Woody 
wraps a forearm around his neck and 
points the shotgun to the side of his head 
as the first of the mercs bursts in. 

“Tell them to do what I say,” Woody 
demands. 

“They speak English.” 

“Tell them anyway,” Woody says. “In 
English.” 

“Do what he says.” 

‘Then Woody tells them the same in Russian. 


me IRS PROBE OF THE 
пъ PROBE OF МЕ IRS. | 


131 


PLAYBOY 


132 


Which, Kurt thinks, is impressive. 
. 


Guns collected, guns thrown over the side. 
Ditto cell phones. 
Heads counted, all present. 

Made to lie on the floor of the dining 
cabin, hands on the back of their heads, 
fingers linked, faces down. 

Woody’s a little rough with Lev. 

Shoves him down hard. 

Then he walks Yegor out of the dining 
cabin and says, “You don't want to die for a 
small portion of your wealth." 

"We're in agreement,” Yegor says. “I will 
open all the safes for you.” 

“That's okay,” Woody answers. “Just open 
the compartment next to the engine room.” 

nd then says, “I will 
in cash not to do this, 
and you will get to live.” 

“You're going to pay me a lot more than 
10 mil,” Woody says, “and you get to live." 

‘They go down to the engine room. 


Lev's mother whispers to her son. 
“Don't try to be a hero.” 
“All right.” 


СІ reaches the rendezvous point. 

Which he checks on his GPS. 

As a native Hawaiian, he can navigate 
by the stars, the current, the swells and his 
oneness with the moana. 

But there's no point in being a dick about it. 


Here's what a billion dollars looks like (on 
the off chance you've never seen a billion 
dollars in U.S. cash): 

"Twelve stacks on wooden pallets, above 
five feet high each, of $100 bills. 

As mentioned earlier, 22,000 pounds 
of money. 

It takes almost two hours for the crew 
and the mercs, under the watchful HKs of 
Kurt, Woody and Paige, to load it onto the 
helicopter. 

But only a minute for Woody's Reming- 
ton to shatter all the communication equip- 
ment on the bridge. And only a few more 
minutes to blow holes іп the Narwhal crafts. 

He can't blow holes in the go-fast boat, but 
it can do only 50 knots in a rough sca, and 50 
knots isn't going to catch a chopper. 

“You know ГИ find you," Yegor says. 

“I know you'll try,” Woody answers. 

He grabs Lev by the sweater and pushes 
him into the chopper. 

"So," Woody says, “we're taking a hostage. 
If no one comes after us for 72 hours, we'll 
release him unharmed. If anyone does, we'll 
release him dead. Do you understand?” 

“Yes,” 

“Does your wife understand that we'll 
kill her son?” 

“Judging by her sobs, I would say that 
she does.” 

“So you know that if you ever want to get 
laid again,” Woody says, “you'll let this go.” 

“No one,” Yegor says, "lets a billion dol- 
lars go." 

Woody takes a stack of a million bucks and 


hands it to him. “Travel expenses. Sail west.” 
"You're very generous with my money.” 
‘The rotors start up. 
This is when things go sick and wrong. 


The thing about intelligence is that it 
tends to be predictable. 

"That is, in the absence of mental ill- 
ness, intelligent people can generally rely 
on other intelligent people to respond 
intelligently. 

This is not true, alas, of stupidity. 

Stupidity, in Kurt's experience, tends to 
be random, because stupid actions tend 
not to be based on a reasoned analysis of 
quantifiable data. 

To wit— 

Yegor Chubaiv is a multibillionaire. 

‘Therefore the loss of one of those bil- 
lions is not a matter of life and death. 

Attempting to rush an armed person is a 
matter of life and death. 

And your life is worth more than ап ех- 
cess billion dollars, especially if that billion 
belongs to someone else. 

You cannot enjoy any amount of money 
if you're dead. 

All the crew and the mercs have so 


Yegor doesn’t mind the small- 
arms fire—it’s when one 
of his geniuses shoulders 
a rocket launcher with an 

infrared scope and guided- 
missile system that he steps in. 


far gone through the above chain of 
thought, evaluated the risk-reward fac- 
tor and cooperated. 

So, for that matter, has Yegor, whose bil- 
lion dollars we're talking about. 

(a) He can always make more money— 
the world is not going to suddenly run out 
of wars. 

(b) He hopes to recover it anyway. 

(c) Lifeis very, very good if you're Yegor 
Chubaiv, so why take a chance on fucking 
that up? 

(d) Yegor isn't stupid. 

Stanislav Kuz 

Stupid and sexist. 

He's been eyeing the woman this 
whole time. 

Waiting for his chance to make a big 
impression on his boss, who will doubt- 
less be so grateful that he'll make Stan- 
islav a multimillionaire. 

"There's another key difference between 
smart and stupid —— 

Smart is dangerous. 

Stupid is deadly. 

That is to say, stupid has killed a lot more 
people than smart has. 

As Paige turns around to walk to the he- 
licopter, Stanislav lunges for her gun. 


Sound travels for miles on the ocean. 
Carried by the wind. 
CI hears the shots. 


Morality is a matter of time. 

It takes time just to ask, "What's the 
right thing to do here?” much less to an- 
swer the question. 

Especially in a morally ambiguous 
situation. 

Paige doesn't have this kind of time. 

She doesn't have any kind of time, she 
has no time because this is an 

Exigency (n.): urgent need; something a situ- 
ation demands or makes urgently necessary and 
that puts pressure on the people involved. 

What she has is instinct, and that instinct 
raises the HK and pulls the trigger and does 
it well, putting a tight pattern of five shots into 
Stanislav's chest and an end to his assault. 

Now she stands there in shock, looking 
at what she's done. 

If you've never killed someone, no опе 
can tell you how it feels. 

If you have, you can't tell anyone how 
it feels. 

In those few seconds, the mercs break 
for it. Run not toward the people with guns 
(that would be stupid), but away. There are 
guns all over this ship. One of them grabs 
Yegor and hauls him off the deck, another 
grabs Lev's mother. 

Kurt, he grabs Paige and pulls her back 
toward the helicopter. 

“Time to go,” Woody says. 

"Time to exfiltrate. 


In military terminology, the exfil is “hot.” 

Live fire is coming in. 

Kurt hears the smack of bullets against 
the chopper's armored skin. Worse are the 
cracking sounds against its fortified windows, 
which nevertheless spiderweb. The meres are 
marksmen, of course; they shoot for the pilot. 

D2 knows this too. 

He's been shot at before—— 

Iraqis, Taliban, Colombians, DEA—— 

So he gains altitude as fast as he can. 

Not easy—22K pounds is a heavy load. 


Irena tries to stop them from shooting. 
“My son is in there! My son is in there!” 
(Like those dumbass signs оп rear 

windshields—nABv ON BOARD. Because oth- 

erwise, you were planning on slamming 
into the car, right?) 

Yegor doesn't mind the small-arms fire— 
it's when one of his geniuses shoulders a 
rocket launcher with an infrared scope and 
guided-missile system that he steps in. 

“There's a billion dollars onboard," he 
says, "that I'd prefer not go to the bottom 
of the ocean." 

"And my son!" 

“That too," Yegor says. 

They have to watch the chopper fade 
into the night. 


The helicopter rumbles over the water 


with the grace ofa very pregnant elephant. 
Kurt looks down and sees Crazy Isaiah. 

In position. 

You have to love a man insane enough 
to be as good as his word these days. 
Now he has to hope that Alvaro Men- 
doza has his trucks rolling up. Sitting 
on a beach with a billion dollars in cash 
would not be good. 

He turns to Paige. "How are you doing?" 

She shakes her head. 

“You didn't have a choice," Kurt says. 

"T had the choice not to be there.” 

‘True, Kurt thinks. 

He respects her too much to try to talk 
her out of her pain. 


D2 sets the ship down hard, but he sets 
it down. 

Alvaro is there with two old Army trucks 
with canvas covers. 

"Two drivers and five men. 

Kurt doesn't know what he expected 
Alvaro to look like, but he looks like a 
banker, in a gray suit and brown shoes. 

Silver hair, silver mustache. 
into the chopper bay and says, 


moving, Al,” D2 says. 

“Will his men keep their mouths shut?” 
Kurt 
ip them each a few hundred thou," 
D? says. 

"They unload the truck. It doesn't take 
long, but long is too long because they're 
running out of night. 

Soon as the money is in the trucks, Lev 
hops in one, Woody into the other, beside 
Alvaro for the drive to Guayaquil, where 
he'll put it in the washer. 

Woody smiles and shows him the shotgun. 

"That is not necessary," Alvaro sniffs. 

Kurt leans through the window to say so 
long to Lev. 

He uses the words they always do when 
they start over the lip of a big wave or the 
crest of a mountain. 

See you on the other side. 


Irena objects to her husband getting into 
the go-fast boat with his nine remaining 
men. "They said 72 hours!" 

“I know what they said.” 

“He's my only child!” 

“T'll buy you a new one.” 

A better one, Yegor thinks. 

He's not a fool. He knows an inside job 
when he sees one, knows that his own peo- 
too afraid of him to do some- 


The little son of a bitch 
Lev isn't afraid of anything. 
Тһе go-fast boat races toward the coast. 


Kurt and Paige get back in the chopper. 

They could let D2 do it on his own, but 
then again, they can't. He might need their 
help, or CI might need their help getting 
him in. And Kurt isn't about to leave Paige 
alone on the beach, nor is she willing to 
stay there. 


D2 takes it back out to sea, roaring now 
under the lash of la virazón. Until they spot 
(СГ; raft riding the swell below. 

“Here we go!" D2 yells. 

He circles so the craft will be headed in 
the right direction, then starts to descend 
and throttle down. 

Paige and Kurt climb out to the skid and 
hold on to the edge of the bay opening. 

When the chopper is only 10 feet above 
the whitecaps, they jump. 


D2 makes the hound roll over. 
He lets the waves lick the skids, cranks 
the throttle and bails out the side. 


СІ runs for the pilot first. 

Paige and Kurt are experienced water- 
men and can wait. He points the Z toward 
the chopper's wreckage and races to where 
he saw the man go in. 

Zooms up to him, turns and plucks him 
from the water. 

The pilot is limp. 

His neck at a crazy angle. 

Snapped. 

Crazy Isaiah blesses the water and gives 
him back to the sea. 

Knowing that the moana takes what she 
wants when she wants it. 


They stop the ski on the outside of the break. 

The big banzai. 

Can't really see it in the dark, but they 
can hear it. 

Artillery fire. 

Holding on to the edge of the ski, they 
time the gaps between the explosions. Will 
let them know how long they have to get 
to the surface before the next wave comes 
down on their heads. 

Five seconds. 

Nota lot. 

“The ski won't make it!” CI yells. 

If CI says it, it’s true. 

‘Time to ride. 

Then Kurt thinks he hears something 
other than the crashing surf. 

The sound of an engine, heading 
their way. 

. 


A big wave is a mean wild mustang. 

Hard to catch, and then you wish 
you hadn't. 

But Kurt paddles like hell, 

Knowing that, like life, 

Either you ride the wave or the wave 
rides you. 

He feels the wave pick him up and try to 
buck him off. 

To the east, the equatorial sun peeks 
over the mountains and Kurt can see 

Paige to his left 

Poised on the edge of the wave 

On the edge 

Where they've always lived, 

On the edge. 


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133 


PLAYBOY 


KEVIN HART 
Continued from page 98. 


there's something funny about it too. You 
see the funny parts of having to bury some- 
one you love. 


Q7 
PLAYBOY: You've also talked in your stand- 
up about your dad, who struggled with co- 
caine addiction and spent time in prison. 
Was he a victim of bad circumstances or of 
bad choices? 

HART: I'd probably say bad choices. He put 
himself in a position to do things badly. But 
he learned from his mistakes and got bet- 
ter. That's all we can ask for, really. I'm just 
happy he got himself out of that situation. 
1 can be more objective about him, because 
he wasn't always around. But my mom, 
she raised me. So when she passed away... 
[pauses] That was hard. I had a good wom- 
an in my life. She made sure I had every- 
thing I needed, And she did a great job. 


8 
PLAYBOY. You're Ean for your high- 
octane, mile-a-minute delivery. What do 
you enjoy doing slowly? 
HART: One word: fucking. 


PLAYBOY: If you show up for a gig in a foul 
mood, how do you turn on the funny? 
What's your happy place? 

HART: My happy place could be a num- 
ber of things. Listening to music is usually 
my way of focusing. Cracking jokes with 
friends or taking a quiet moment by myself 
are others. Oh yeah, and fucking puts me 
in a happy place. Lots and lots of fucking. 


Q10 
PLAYBOY: We're getting the impression that 
you enjoy fucking. But in the comedy doc- 
umentary Laugh at My Pain, you claim that 
your sexual stamina is somewhere between 
20 and 23 seconds. 

HART: Well, right now I could probably make 
it to a good two minutes. I learned some 
tricks. You've got to practice and stick with 
it. 171 feel like I’m in trouble, if m going to 
explode too soon, ГИ just hold my breath. 


Qu 
PLAYBOY: Won't that make you pass out? 

HART: No, no, it works. I'll hold my breath 
and count to 60, and then I breathe, and 
then ГИ hold my breath again and count 
to 60 again. That gets me to at least two 


184 minutes. I’m а sex symbol now, so I've defi- 


nitely had my share of encounters. I've got 
to be prepared for anything. 


о? 
PLAYBOY. You call yourself а зех symbol 
a lot. Are you being ironic, or is it a self- 
fulfilling prophecy? 

HART: I'm kind of kidding. I have a girl- 
friend, so I don’t have a bunch of women 
banging on my door these days. There 
have been times when I've been popular 
with females, but those days are definitely 
behind me. Do I think I'm a sex symbol? 
Hell yeah. Life is about making whatever 
you say reality. But it's also a joke. It can 
be both things at once. I can say things and 
people know I’m joking, but they see the 
truth in it as well, 


13 

PLAYBOY. On Real pm of Hollywood, 
Chris Rock tells you, “I’m actually famous; 
you're more black famous.” Do you feel 
that might be true? 

HART: Hell no. I think I'm huge. [laughs] 
No, I get it. That was the situation for a 
while, but I'm starting to cross over. My 
audience has definitely grown. Right now, 
if I did a stand-up show, it'd be 60-40 black 
to white. And that seems like a good bal- 
ance. That's the sweet spot. I don’t want to 
be a comedian just for black folks. I want 
to be universal. I want to make everybody 
laugh. I want people everywhere going, 
“Wow, Kevin Hart is funny,” not, “Where 
do I know him from?” 


014 
PLAYBOY: You're five-foot-four. You've 
joked about the negatives of your height, 
but what are the advantages to being short? 
HART: Well, first of all, your clothes fit a 
little better. You don't have to be shopping 
at those big-and-tall stores. If people want 
to talk to you, they have to come down to 
your level, literally come down to your lev- 
el. It's the great equalizer. With tall people, 
you have to get on a ladder. But with me, 
just kneel a little and we're equals. Also, it's 
easy to maintain a nice body when you're 
short, because everything is compact. I 
think I'm happier than everybody else be- 
cause of my height. Short guys are happy. 


15 

PLAYBOY: How did you get that confidence? 
Were you born with it, or was ita long road 
to get there? 

HART: It was definitely a long road. Con- 
fidence comes with accomplishing things. 
You need to set goals for what you want to 
do with your life, and when you make them 
happen, that's what feeds your confidence. 
"That's what happened to me. I set goals for 
myself, from stand-up to TV to film, and 
when it happens, if it happens, it's remark- 
able. You realize you can do anything you 
put your mind to. I'm a product of that. 


Q16 
PLAYBOY: In your last concert film, Let Me 
Explain, pyrotechnics shot fireballs from 
the stage to emphasize punch lines. Were 
you trying to make stand-up more like a 
rock show? 


HART: No, not rock. More like a hip-hop 
show. I got the idea from a Jay Z concert. 
He was using pyrotechnics, and I thought, 
Yeah, I should do something like that. I 
wanted to do something different, add 
another bang to my stand-up. The last 
thing people expect when they come to 
a comedian's show is to see fire shooting 
out of the stage. So for me to have that, T 
felt like it was huge. It was different, and 
it was trendsetting. 


Q17 
PLAYBOY: You've worked with Robert 
De Niro and Ice Cube. Which one has the 
best war stories? 

HART: De Niro by far. You know, Bob— 
that's what he lets me call him—has these 
incredible stories from his history of film- 
making. АП Cube's stories end with some- 
one getting shot. 


018 
PLAYBOY: We've seen some of your best 
stand-up performances in films, including 
Seriously Funny and Laugh at My Pain. What 
was your worst? 
HART: My worst gig was probably in Atlantic 
City, at this club called Sweet Cheeks. This 
was in the very beginning of my career, 
when I was still pretty new to the whole 
comedy thing. I wasn't connecting with the 
audience, and they started booing. At one 
point, one guy got so frustrated he threw a 
buffalo wing at me. It hit me hard on the 
face, just stopped me cold. There’s no way 
to respond to being hit with a buffalo wing. 
And there's no going back to comedy after 
that. I wiped the buffalo sauce off my face 
and told everybody good night. 


019 

PLAYBOY: You're self-conscious about your 
feet. What's so bad about them? 

HART: They're ugly, just repulsive to look 
at. My toenails look like sunflower seeds. 
"There was a time when I wouldn't go into 
a pool barefoot. I would use Chuck Tay- 
lors as my water shoes. But I don't care 
anymore. There was a point when I would 
go to insane levels trying to hide them, but 
I'm rich now. You don't like my feet, get 
out of my house. 


Q20 

PLAYBOY. You were widely criticized for 
making a joke on Twitter that some people 
thought was racially insensitive. Your ex- 
act tweet was "Light-skinned women usu- 
ally have better credit than dark-skinned 
women...Broke ass dark hoes..lol" Did 
you cross a line? 

HART: Listen, that was just me being silly on 
Twitter, playing on a trending topic. Some 
people were offended by it, but that’s al- 
ways a risk with comedy. Nobody's going to 
find everything funny. I didn't feel I had to 
apologize for something that was miscon- 
strued and taken out of context. I have no 
ill will toward women, not dark-skinned 
women, not light-skinned women. I was 
just being silly. Pm a comedian. Being silly 
is my job; it’s how I pay my bills. 


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PLAYBOY 


ICEMAN COMETH 
Continued from page 73 


ever thought about gurus. Hof is a difficult 
figure to dissect. On one level he speaks in 
a familiar creole of New Age mumbo jumbo. 
There's a spiel about universal compassion 
and connection to divine energies. Then, of 
course, there are the results. His relatively 
simple exercises make undeniable changes 
in my body seemingly overnight. Follow- 
ing his prescriptions for a week, I hack my 
body to perform physical feats of endurance 
I didn't think possible and earn confidence I 
didn't know I had. As a bonus, I lose seven 
pounds of fat—which come out in oily 
clumps during my morning eliminations. 

Our goal by the end of the week: to com- 
plete an arduous eight-hour climb up a 
powder-covered mountain, wearing noth- 
ing but shorts. It will be my own personal 
Everest, though in this case the mountain 
is called Snézka. But even with these first 
routines in the safety of a training room, I'm 
not sure I'm up for it. 

I am at the mercy of Hof, who wears a 
pointy green hat that makes him look like 
a life-size garden gnome. A bushy beard 
frames his piercing blue eyes and ruddy 
nose, and his body bristles with tightly 
corded muscles. A six-inch surgical scar 
across his stomach marks a time he took his 
training too far and ended up in the hos- 
pital. Hof is a savant and a madman. He's 
à prophet and a foil. And as is occasionally 
the case with people who try to cultivate 
superpowers, Hof s abilities have come at 
a heavy price. 


Born in the Dutch city of Sittard in 1959, 
on the eve of Europe's hippie revolution, 
Hof spent his carly years in the middle оға 
working-class family of nine children. While 
the rest of the Hof family learned Catholic 
liturgy, Wim became fascinated with Eastern 
teachings, memorizing parts of Patanjali's 
Yoga Sutras and scouring the Bhagavad 
Gita and Zen Buddhism for wisdom. He was 
keen on exploring the connections between 
the body and the mind, but none of what 
he read was quite what he was looking for. 

Then, in the winter of 1979, when he 
was 20 years old, he was walking alone опа 
frosty morning in Amsterdam's picturesque 
Beatrixpark when he noticed a thin skin 
of ice on one of the canals. He wondered 
what it would feel like if he jumped in. With 
juvenile impulsiveness he has never quite 
shed, he took off his clothes and plunged in 


136 naked. The shock was immediate, he says, 


but "the feeling wasn't of cold; it was some- 
thing like tremendous good. I was in the 
water only a minute, but time just slowed 
down. It felt like ages." A wash of endor- 
phins cruised through his system, and the 
high lasted through the afternoon. He went 
on to repeat the exercise every day since. 
"The cold is my teacher," he says. 

Тһе breathing technique emerged nat- 
urally. He started by mimicking the rapid 
breaths people take instinctively when they 
plunge into icy water, which he says are sim- 
ilar to the breaths a woman takes during 
childbirth. In both cases the body switches to 
an instinctual program. When Hof dunked 
under the ice, he went from rapid breath- 
ing to holding his breath. That’s when he 
began to feel changes in his body. 

‘The way Hof explains it, humans must 
have evolved with an innate ability to resist 
the elements. Our remote ancestors tra- 
versed icy mountains and parched deserts 
long before they invented the most basic 
footwear or animal-skin coats. While tech- 
nology has made us more comfortable, the 
underlying biology is still there, and the key 
to unlocking our lost potential lies in re- 
creating the sorts of harsh experiences our 
ancestors would have faced. 

Hof trained on his own in obscurity for 15 
years, rarely talking about his growing abil- 
ities. His first student was his son Enahm. 
When Enahm was still an infant, Hof took 
him down to the canals and dunked him 
in the water like Achilles. While it’s any- 
one's guess what nearby pedestrians might 
have thought of this sight, most of his close 
friends shrugged off his morning routines 
as just another eccentricity in an already 
eccentric city. 

Hof did odd jobs, including working as a 
mail carrier, and took gigs as a canyoneering 
instructor in Spain during the summers. 
Money was always a problem, and his 
wife—a beautiful Basque woman named 
Olaya—began to show signs of a serious 
mental disorder, She was depressed. She 
heard voices. In July 1995 she jumped off 
the eighth floor of her parents’ apartment 
building in Pamplona on the first day of the 
Running of the Bulls, 

Sitting at a handmade wooden table 
in what serves as lunchroom and break- 
fast nook in his Polish headquarters, Hof 
recounts Olaya’s death as tears roll freely 
down his cheeks. “Why would God take my 
wife from me?” he asks. Confronted with loss 
and a broken heart, he put all his faith into 
the one thing that set him apart from every- 
one else: his ability to control his body. Olaya 
had never shown interest in Hof’s methods, 
but he felt he could have done more to help 
her. “The inclination I have to train people 
now is because of my wife's death,” says 
Hof. “I can bring people back to tranquil- 
ity. Schizophrenia and multiple-personality 
disorder draw away people's energy. My 
method can give them back control.” It was 
his call to action. But he still needed a way 
to announce himself to the world. 

His opportunity came a few years later. 
As winter settled on Amsterdam, a local 
newspaper ran a series of articles about 
odd things people did in the snow. Hof 
called the editor and explained that for the 


past couple of decades he'd been skinny- 
dipping in icy water. The paper sent a 
reporter, and Hof jumped into a nearby 
lake he frequented. The next week a tele- 
vision crew showed up. 

In one famous segment, Hof cut holes in 
the ice and jumped in while a Dutch news 
crew filmed. He was drying himself off 
when, a few meters away, a man stepped оп 
a thin patch and fell through. Hof charged 
out onto the lake, jumped in a second time 
and dragged the man to safety. The news 
crew caught the exchange, and soon Hof 
wasn't just a local oddity, he was а local hero. 
Someone dubbed him the Iceman, and the 
name stuck. 

After that act of heroism, Hof became a 
household name across the Netherlands, A 
Dutch television program hosted by the emi- 
nent newscaster Willibrord Frequin asked 
Hof to perform on camera. The gimmick 
was to have Hof establish a Guinness world 
record. They planned for him to swim 50 
meters beneath arctic ice without breath- 
ing. It would be sensationalist fun, but the 
program would air throughout Scandinavia 
and give Hof a shot at doing stunts for other 
channels around the world. 

А few weeks later Hof stood on the 
surface of a frozen lake near the small vil- 
lage of Pello, Finland, a handful of miles 
from the arctic circle, wearing only a bath- 
ing suit. Although the temperature would 
drop to minus 19 degrees Fahrenheit, his 
skin glistened with sweat. Below him a. 
diamond-shape hole shot down a meter 
through the ice. There were two other holes 
95 and 50 meters from the first. A camera 
crew watched as Hof descended and dipped 
his toe in the periwinkle waters. 

On the first day of shooting he was sup- 
posed to swim only to the first hole so the 
crew could get the right shots and feel com- 
fortable with the safety setup. But Hof had 
other plans. He wanted to surprise and 
impress the crew by clearing the whole 
distance in one go. He had done his cal- 
culations in advance. One stroke took him 
one meter, so he would need to do 50 to 
reach his destination. Taking a giant gulp 
of air into his lungs, Hof disappeared and 
began his sprint. 

He later recalled that he opened his eyes 
midway between the first and second hole 
and could make out a beam of sunlight slic- 
ing through the water. But at stroke 29, 
with the safety of the first hole and rescue 
team behind him, something went wrong. 
He hadn't anticipated what the cold water 
would do to his eyes. His corneas began to 
freeze over, and crystallization blurred his 
vision. Five strokes later he was blind, with 
only his stroke count to direct him to oxy- 
gen. Soon he was off course. At 50 strokes 
he grabbed around in vain for the rim of 
the second hole. He turned around think- 
ing maybe he had passed it. He wanted 
to gasp for air but knew the results would 
be fatal. At 65 strokes his hope was begin- 
ning to fade. Seventy strokes in, just as 
he began to lose consciousness, he felt a 
hand wrap around his ankle. A safety diver 
dragged him to the surface. He knew he 
had almost died and that his hubris had 
led him there. Despite that close call, the 


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next day he would set a world record, with 
the cameras rolling. 

"The show went on to be a hit and secured 
him a series of similar on-air stunts for 
international channels from Discovery to 
National Geographic. But success came at a 
price. Although he was capable of incredible 
feats, Hof s desire to impress and please the 
people around him would time and again 
lead him into near-fatal situations. Should 
he die, the world might never understand 
how he had achieved his dramatic results. 
Hof needed a better plan. 


То understand Hof's abilities, I board а 
plane from Los Angeles to Wroclaw, Poland, 
where he meets me at the terminal gate 
with a broad smile. Hof decided to make 
his headquarters here instead of the Neth- 
erlands so he could be close to icy streams 
and snow-covered mountains—and also 
take advantage of the weaker economy to 
purchase a larger space. We pile into a tiny 
gray Volkswagen with two other devotees—a 
Croatian and a Latvian—who have come to 
study his technique, and we traverse miles of 
Polish pines and picturesque villages toward 
Hof's rural headquarters. 

Janis Kuze sits crammed next to me with 
my hiking backpack overflowing onto his 
lap. The burly Latvian grew up amid the 
turmoil of a collapsing Soviet Union, when 
bandits roamed the countryside. His father 
stashed a loaded AK-47 beneath his son's 
bed so it was never more than an instant 
away should they nced to defend them- 
selves. Now Kuze studies the Israeli combat 
system Krav Maga in his spare time and 
spars with his equally intimidating and, һе 
assures me, beautiful girlfriend. Asked if he's 
ready to immerse himself in ice water, he 
replies, "When my father was in the special 
forces, they tested soldiers’ ability to adapt 
by making them sit in ice water. If they sur- 
vived, they passed. Not everyone passed.” 

We arrive in the tiny village of Przesicka, 
where Hof owns an isolated farmhouse he was 
able to purchase after signing a sponsorship 
deal with Columbia Sportswear to shill a line of 
battery-heated jackets in 2011. In the commer- 
cials, which were created for TV but thrived 
ont] ternet, Hof swims in a frozen lake 
while giving icy stares to toasty outdoorsmen 
who use the high-tech gear to warm them- 
selves with the touch of a button. The videos 
went viral, and commenters compared Hof 
to Chuck Norris, propelling him to a sort of 
internet alpha-male celebrity. But the condi- 
tion of the house confirms that web fame does 
not necessarily translate to riches, The space is 
а permanent work in progress, an assort- 
ment of bunk beds and yoga mats. A busted. 
sauna sits next door to its new replacement. 
The coal furnace doesn’t quite work and spews 
black smoke through cracks in the floorboards. 
Most of the floors don't seem level. 

The crumbling building is headquarters 
for Hof's growing global presence as а New 
Age guru and ground zero for the experi- 
mental training regimens he's developing. 
One of Hof's first students at the house, 
Justin Rosales, now 25, flew here from Penn- 
sylvania іп 9010 to serve as a guinea pig. "If 
ме want to become strong, passionate and 


motivated, we have to take on seemingly 
impossible tasks. Without an open mind, the 
cold will never be your friend," Rosales tells 
me over e-mail. He has written a book with 
Hof about the experience, called Becoming 
the Iceman, which is often passed among dev- 
otees interested in cultivating superpowers. 

Tstash what little winter gear I've brought 
beneath a bunk on the second floor and 
look out the window onto a snowy field 
that serves as the main training site. Andrew 
Lescelius, the wiry asthmatic Nebraskan who 
arrived a week earlier, crosses the field out- 
side clad only in black underwear, stopping 
to pick up handfuls of snow and rub them 
over his arms and chest. Steam erupts off 
his body in great clouds. 

Kuze chooses a bunk next to mine and 
looks eager to get out into the snow. I let 
him go on his own. I will have plenty of 
opportunities to be cold when training 
begins tomorrow. 


After a restless night we meet Hof in the 
yoga studio. He explains that every train- 
ing program he runs is different, and the 
method varies depending on the constitu- 
tion of the group. But no matter how it 
starts, the building blocks are simple and, 
he assures us, our progress will be rapid. 
“This week we will win the war on bacte- 
ria!” he proclaims before warning us he will 
challenge everything we think about the 
limits of our body. 

At one point Hof tells us to shed our 
clothing and head outside. We round the 
farmhouse to a small snowy field frequented 
by deer and the curious gazes of inquisitive 
neighbors. As we file past, one of them yells 
something to us in Polish and Hof chuckles. 
Most people here think he’s crazy, if affable. 

It's the first time in my life I've put my 
feet directly onto snow, and they feel as sen- 
sitive asa newly broken tooth. My heart rate 
jumps. Kuze lets out a gasp and Hof beams 


“I think this wedding cake is going to be very popular...” 


137 


PLAYBOY 


138 


a trickster smile. We stand in a circle and 
take low horse stances. 

We try to focus on our foreheads and sim- 
ply endure the cold, our chests bare to the 
air. Five minutes is excruciating, but Hof has 
us stand for six before sending us numbly 
into the sauna. 

But with numb limbs, going from ice 
to a 100-plus-degree room is a mistake. 
"The body's natural reaction to cold is self- 
preservation. To keep the core warm, the 
muscles that control arteries clench tightly 
and restrict the flow of blood only to vital 
areas in a process known as vasoconstriction. 
"This is why frostbite starts in the extrem- 
ities. The sudden change to heat has the 
opposite effect. Veins suddenly pop open 
and send warm blood rushing through cold 
areas. The pain is even worse than when 
we were standing in the snow, something I 
didn’t think possible. 

Kuze stretches his feet toward a box 
of coals and says he may cry. Lescelius 
clenches his teeth and holds his breath. A 
side effect of asthma, he tells me, is poor 
circulation, and the sensation of vasocon- 
even more painful. “But I like 
to think of it as lifting weights for the cir- 
culatory system,” he says. Hof nods at the 
statement. After years of exposing himself 
to the cold, he can consciously restrict the 
flow of blood in his body and effectively 
send it to any part he wants. 

Although the first day of exercises is pain- 
ful and exhausting, true to Hof's word our 
progress is rapid. The next day we stand in 
the snow for 15 minutes before the same 
feeling of panic sets in. In the afternoon 
we take a brief dip in the basin of an ice- 
cold waterfall. It is an experience not unlike 
walking across a bed of hot coals—a trial by 
fire but with ice. With every attempt, the 


barriers we've built in our heads about the 
cold seem to recede. 

By the fourth day, standing in the snow 
is barely a challenge. An hour passes by 
quicker than five minutes had just days ear- 
lier. In the evening we sit on snow-covered 
rocks by a stream until they're warm, Hof 
smiling over us. 


What we know about how the human body 
reacts to cold comes mostly from grue- 
somely accurate studies that emerged from 
the Dachau death camp. Nazis tracked Jew- 
ish prisoners' core temperatures as they 
died in ice water. As terrible as they are, 
these morally compromised studies helped 
doctors understand how quickly the body 
loses heat in such conditions. 
32-degree water, humans begin to feel 
sluggish after only a minute or two. By 
15 minutes most people fall unconscious. 
They die between 15 and 45 minutes. 
When the core body temperature falls 
below 82 degrees, death is almost inevi- 
table. Measured against that data set, Hof 
seems to perform miracles. 

In 2007 at the Feinstein Institute on Long 
Island, Kenneth Kamler, a world-renowned 
expedition doctor who has worked on Ever- 
est, observed an experiment in which Hof 
was connected to heart and blood monitors 
and immersed in ice. At first the experiment 
hit a major snag. The standard hospi- 
tal devices that track respiration declared 
him dead after he'd been in the ice only 
two minutes. The machine got confused 
because he didn't take a breath for more 
than two minutes and his resting heart rate 
was a mere 35 beats per minute. He wasn't 
dead, though, and Kamler had to discon- 
nect the device to continue. Hof stayed in 


“Try not to think of it as identifying ‘your son the killer.’ 
Think of it as identifying ‘your son who never calls." 


the ice for 72 minutes. The results were 
astounding. Hof's core temperature ini- 
tally declined a few degrees but then rose 

gain. It was the first scientific validation 
of Hof's method. It was becoming clear 
that Hof could consciously affect his auto- 
nomic nervous system to increase his core 
temperature. “Exactly how you explain it 
depends on the kind of philosophy you want 
to believe in,” says Kamler, who references 
similar feats called tummo performed by 
Tibetan monks. Ultimately, he says, it boils 
down to how Hof uses his brain. “The brain 
uses a lot of energy on higher functions that 
are not essential to survival. By focusing his 
mind he can channel that energy to gener- 
ate body heat,” he speculates. 

Interest among scientists snowballed 
in 2008 just as it had in the mass media 
more than a decade earlier. At Maastricht 
University researchers wondered if Hof’s 
abilities stemmed from a high concentra- 
tion of mitochondria-rich brown adipose 
tissue, also known as brown fat. This little- 
understood tissue can rapidly heat the body 
when metabolized; it is what allows infants 
not to succumb to cold in their earliest 
moments. Usually brown fat mostly disap- 
pears by early childhood, but evolutionary 
biologists believe that early humans may 
have carried higher concentrations of it to 
resist extreme environments. The scientists 
learned that Hof, now 55, had extremely 
high concentrations—enough to produce 
five times more energy than the typical 
20-year-old—most likely because he repeat- 
edly exposed himself to cold. 

Brown fat may be the missing organic 
structure that separates humans from the 
natural world. White fat stores caloric 
energy from food, which the body tends 
to burn only as a last resort. In fact, it’s 
difficult to burn the spare tire off your waist- 
line because the body is programmed to 
store energy: It will burn muscle before 
it uses white fat to create heat or energy. 
Brown fat is different. Most people cre- 
ate it automatically when they're in cold 
environments—the body detects physical 
extremes and starts to store mitochondria. 
The way Hof describes it, when brown fat is 
activated, the mitochondria enter the blood- 
stream and metabolize white fat directly to 
generate heat. Because most people do 
everything they can to avoid environmen- 
tal extremes, they never build up brown fat 
at all. If we lived without clothing, the way 
our distant ancestors must have, we would 
have relied on the internal properties of 
brown fat to keep us alive. 

As we sit in the sauna, I ask Hof how 
someone activates brown fat consciously. 
Instead of explaining, he tries to dem- 
onstrate. He clenches the muscles in his 
body in sequence, from his rectum to his 
shoulders, as if pushing something up 
from below. Then he furrows his brow and 
squinches down his neck as though trapping 
that energy in a point that he says is behind 
his ear. The process turns his skin bright 
red as if he were catching fire. Suddenly he 
kicks out his leg, falls against the wall and 
gasps. "Oh my God,” he says, dazed. In his 
eagerness to teach, he didn’t calculate the 
heat of the sauna. He almost blew a fuse. 


He lurches out of the sauna and rolls in the 
snow outside. He returns with an embar- 
rassed smirk. "That's how you do it. But 
try it only in the cold." 


Hans Spaan, who was diagnosed with Par- 
son's disease in 2004, credits Hof with 
== wn his life, "With this disease," he says, 
“most people have to take more and more 
drugs just to maintain the same level of 
mobility and quality of life, and eventually 
you max out and begin the long decline." 
Spaan is trying to manage his drug regime 
by accompanying it with the breathing tech- 
nique and ice-cold showers. He tracks his 
drug use on spreadsheets and claims to be 
on far fewer drugs now than when he was 
first diagnosed. He credits Hof with keeping 
him out of a wheelchair. Although the anec- 
dotal evidence is encouraging, it’ 
determine how much of Hof's abi 
be chalked up to the placebo effect. Since 
Hof claims to be able to control his auto- 
nomic nervous system—the system affected 
by Parkinson's—it is important to have sci- 
entific backing. 

Peter Pickkers is just about the last 
scientist who would be swayed by 
outlandish claims. An expert on sepsis 
and infection at Radboud University 
Medical Center in the Netherlands, he 
specializes in studies that look at responses 
of the immune system in humans. In 2010 
Hof contacted Pickkers, saying he could 
suppress or ramp up his immune system 
at will. The feat is, by definition, almost 
impossible, But Pickkers, who had watched 
ноғ” сег rise on TV, was curious. 

Pickkers devised a test іп which he admin- 
istered endotoxin, a component of E. coli 
bacteria the body thinks is dangerous but is 
actually inert. A previous trial Pickkers pio- 
neered proved that 99 percent of healthy 
people who come in contact with endotoxin 
react as though they have the flu before the 
body realizes it has been duped and goes 
back to normal. 

While Hof meditated, Pickkers injected 
him with the endotoxin. The results were 
unheard of. “Wim had done things that, if 
you had asked me prior to the experiment, 
I would not have thought possible,” Pickkers 
told me. Whereas almost every other person 
dosed with endotoxin experienced severe 
side effects, Hof had nothing more than 
a minor headache. Blood tests showed he 
had much higher levels of cortisol—a hor- 
mone usually released only during times of 
extreme stress, sort of like adrenaline—than 
had been previously recorded. Also, blood 
drawn while he was meditating remained 
resistant to endotoxin for six days after it 
had left his body. 

Hof is unambiguous about what he thinks 
of the results: “If I can show that I can con- 
sciously affect my immune system, we will 
have to rewrite all the medical books.” But 
Pickkers and much of the rest of the sci- 
entific community are more reserved. 
While the results show an unprecedented 
response to endotoxin, there is no proof 
that Hof is anything more than a genetic 
anomaly. However, the results were prom- 
ising enough for Pickkers and his colleague 


Matthijs Kox to commission a second study, 
this time with Hof guiding a group of col- 
lege students through the same basic course 
I took to learn his technique before being 
injected with endotoxin. If his technique 
proves to be teachable, then the ground may 
begin to shift under Pickkers's feet. 

In April 2013, just after I was there, 12 
students flew to Poland. Pickkers and Kox 
remained tight-lipped about the results while 
the journal article wended its way though 
the peer-review process, but they've issued. 
a press release saying “the trained men pro- 
duced fewer inflammatory proteins and 
suffered far less from flu-like symptoms.” 
Hof is ebullient. In several conversations he 
tells me that his students were able to master 
convulsions and fever responses within 15 
minutes. Whether he is exaggerating or not 
remains to be seen, but if the results mirror 
the 2010 study Pickkers published, Hof will 
be a certified medical marvel. 


All сап definitively report is my experience 
in Poland. I still have my challenge to com- 
plete: Despite my progress, I'm not sure I 
am up for the grueling bare-chested hike 
straight up a mountain. Snézka Mountain 


Hof's corneas began 
to freeze over, and 
crystallization blurred his 
vision. Five strokes later 
he was blind. Soon he was 
off course. 


straddles the Polish-Czech border and 
is battered by icy winds throughout the 
winter months. At its 5,260-foot summit, 
frequented mostly by intrepid cross-country 
skiers who hike up from a ski lift, a lonely 
observatory records the movements of the 
stars. Starting at the base of the mountain, 
Hof, myself and three other disciples begin 
the arduous climb through two feet of fresh 
powder. Seconds after we pile out of Hof's 
dilapidated Volkswagen van, the cold slices 
through our winter coats like a knife. At 25 
degrees Fahrenheit even modest breezes 
feel excruciating. In the parking lot, ski- 
ers clad head to toe in colorful Gore-Tex 
ensembles wrestle with their gear and trek 
slowly to the chairlifts. 

Hof leads us to a side trail that snakes 
through parkland to the summit. Ten min- 
utes up the trail, after our bodies have had 
time to build some internal heat, we start 
stripping off layers. Ashley Johnson, a for- 
mer English hooligan who has found new 
direction in life doing work around Hof's 
house in exchange for lessons, slaps Lescelius 
and Kuze on the back in camaraderie. Bare 
to the cold, we stash our clothes in a back- 
pack and crunch forward through powder. 

The moment I take off my shirt it begins 


to make some sense how our primordial 
ancestors survived. Trudging forward I 
don't feel the bite of the cold the way I used 
to. Whatever heat I build up through exer- 
tion seems to stay in my skin as if I меге 
wearing a wet suit. I can feel the sting of 
cold on my skin, but I focus on the point 
behind my ears that Hof said would help. 
activate my brown fat and send waves of 
heat through my body. 

Then I try to imitate what I witnessed Hof 
do in the sauna. With my muscles clenched, 
mind focused, it isn't long before I am sweat- 
ing. A thin steamy mist wafts upward from 
our group. A skier stops to take pictures. 
A ski patrolman on a snowmobile stops to 
see if we are okay. A snowboarder lets out 
a shocked cry and speeds by. Together we 
plod forward to the summit. 

"There is a parallel to walking across a 
bed of hot coals. The temperature is sub- 
servient to the task ahead. Six hours later I 
am nearing the summit, bare-chested and 
with my legs caked in snow. I have gone 
from California palm trees to Poland's 
snowy peaks in seven days and feel per- 
fectly warm—hot, even. 

The trek takes more than seven hours, 
and every step upward leaves us more 
exposed than before. The outside temper- 
ature drops to eight degrees. About 300 
feet shy of the summit, something changes. 
My core temperature is fine, but the wind 
has intensified and the incline has gotten 
steeper. Every step feels harder than the 
one before, and I am beginning to tire. 
We are seven hours into the ascent, and 
1 have given my backpack to the younger, 
fitter Johnson. I worry what would happen 
to me if I stopped. Would the cold break 
through the mental barrier I've erected 
and send me cascading into hypothermia? 
Fear, more than anything else, keeps me 
walking. Twenty minutes later I reach the 
summit. I'm not cold but more tired than 
I can ever remember being before. After 
taking a couple of photos we walk into the 
observatory to warm up. 

‘Just like entering the sauna after stand- 
ing on ice, the warm air hits me and I feel 
cold. I shed my mental armor and feel 
ice leak into my bloodstream. I begin to 
rely on my environment rather than my 
mind to keep me warm. I shiver, and then 
I begin to shake. My teeth clatter. I have 
never been this cold before. It is an hour 
until I feel ready to get back on my feet 
for the climb down the mountain. This 
time, though, I wear a black peacoat that 
I brought up in a backpack. 

Hof plans to attempt to summit Mount 
Everest soon. It will be his second time after 
an earlier, aborted, nearly naked attempt. 
I ask Hof what he thinks would happen 
if he finally meets his limits on this climb 
and joins the hundreds who have died on 
the mountain. Would his message be lost to 
time? Would even the modest lessons he has 
been able to give to his flock mean anything 
if he dies in a way most people would deem 
foolish? His face grows dark at the thought. 
He tells me he might cry. “I must not die,” 
he says. “I've decided.” 


139 


PLAYBOY 


140 


аба dà 


JONAH HILL 
Continued from page 56 


PLAYBOY: How do you calm down when 
you're stressed? 

HILL: I hang with friends, watch South 
Park—oh, and definitely listen to Howard 
Stern every day. I love his perspective on 
the world, how well he knows himself and 
also how he's evolved. If you listen to old 
tapes from the 1990s or 1980s, he's a dif- 
ferent man now. His level of thoughtfulness 
toward who he's interviewing, what he's cu- 
rious about now versus what he was curious 
about then. I gave him a compliment last 
time I was on that I truly meant, which was: 
Imagine a show being on for 25 years or 
whatever that only gets better and better as 
time goes on. That doesn't happen in any 
other facet of entertainment, but it hap- 
pened with Howard's show. So listening to 
Howard helped. [laughs] And therapy. 
PLAYBOY: How much therapy have you done? 
HILL: А lot. It has probably been one of the 
most grounding and positive aspects of my 
entire life. I mean, there's a certain value 
in having neuroses as an actor, I guess. 1 
work better from a place of thinking I don't 


deserve to be there, but that helps only to 
a degree. Therapy gets me recalibrated. 
It has taught me that every good and bad 
thing that comes my way is an opportunity 
to learn. It's gotten me over this idea that 
I'm responsible for other people's happi- 
ness. That mind-set can be crippling in a lot. 
of ways. The best way to take care of people 
is to be in the best mental and emotional 
condition you can be in yourself. Honestly, 
besides family members and a few friends, 
my relationship with my therapist is the 
longest relationship I've ever had. 
PLAYBOY: Are you a commitment-phobe? 
HILL: When I was younger, I always cared 
more about my friends and having fun than 
being in a relationship with a woman. Then 
it's kind of weird when you first become well- 
known. Certain women become interested in 
you because of that, though it's easy to discern 
who wants what. As I matured, my relation- 
ships matured. I've always had girlfriends, 
and I һауе one now. As I get older I'm more 
open to the idea of having a family and kids 
and all that, though I don't think I need to 
make that decision in the next day or two. 
PLAYBOY: By the way, people talk about 
Leonardo DiCaprio's “pussy posse.” Do 
you have a membership card now? 

HILL: [Laughs] Oh, please. That's absurd. 
Leo's just a great guy. The posse doesn't 
exist. That's not to say he doesn't get a lot 
of attention from women. Most women 
who see him аге attracted to him and inter- 
ested in him, but he handles it beautifully. 
PLAYBOY: Have you recovered from the air- 
plane orgy scene you did together in The 
Wolf of Wall Street? 


“I don't know what it means either, but let's turn!” 


HILL: The only word I can use to describe 
it is unhygienic. The women were obviously 
attractive, but it's an unsexy environment. 
It doesn't feel like you're hooking up with 
somebody. It feels like you're at work. The 
woman who was simulating oral sex on me 
was talking between takes about picking up 
her kids from school. And some guy's gen- 
itals are in my face in this hot, cramped, 
sweaty space. Then, months and months 
later, your mom gets to watch it with you. 
PLAYBOY: Did she enjoy being your date at 
the Oscars? 
HILL: She's a Jewish mom at her core, so 
she had snacks in her purse and was giving 
them to Sandra Bullock, Julia Roberts and 
everybody. I think she likes to be the mom 
in every situation. Leo’s mom hung with my 
mom, and Bradley Cooper's mom was there 
too. So they had a cool little mom crew go- 
ing on. If seeing your mom in a situation like 
that ever seems normal to you, you know 
you're jaded. То me, it's still totally surreal. 
I got to hang out with a lot of cool peo- 
ple that night, like Alfonso Cuarón and his 
director of photography from Gravity. But 
maybe the greatest moment was when Leo 
and I got to spend time with Don Rickles. 
We were at the Paramount pre-Oscars 
party, and Don was there with the head of 
Paramount. We basically bum-rushed him 
because we're both huge fans. The man 
did not disappoint. 
PLAYBOY: Did he call you “hockey puck"? 
HILL: Of course! The guy is almost 90 years 
old and he’s still got his game. He laid into 
Leo really hard because he was wearing a 
newsboy hat. Don was like, “Hey, yeah, just 
keep the cab running outside, kid. ГП be 
out in a minute.” Love that guy. 
PLAYBOY: What's next for you? 
HILL: James Franco and I made a really 
heavy film together called True Story. It's a 
true story about this New York Times writer, 
Michael Finkel, who I play. He was a wun- 
derkind who wrote something like 11 cover 
stories for The New York Times Magazine by 
the time he was in his early 30s. Then he 
got fired for making up a bunch of stuff. A 
day or two later, he gets a call from some- 
one saying, “What do you think about the 
murders?" Mike's baffled. Apparently a guy 
who was accused of killing his wife and kids 
in Oregon fled to Mexico and was posing as 
Mike Finkel, and the only person he'll talk 
to is Mike Finkel. That's James Franco's 
character, and it's kind of a cat-and-mouse 
game where you don't know who's using 
who and who's lying or telling the truth. 
Mike's trying to get his career back, but it's 
a tough situation. Mike is not a bad person. 
I got to know him. What he was doing at 
that time might not have been the coolest 
thing—using a family getting murdered in 
order to write a book to get his career back. 
But it's a pretty amazing story. 
PLAYBOY: Franco is an interesting character. 
He's turned his life into a kind of perfor- 
mance art. 
HILL: I love James. He's so interesting about 
playing with the perception of who he is. 
It's like what you see with Shia LaBeouf 
or Joaquin Phoenix. They go through 
periods when they put things out there 
for the public that are open to everyone's 


interpretation. Actors and directors are 
idiosyncratic people, but that's why I love 
the profession so much. 

PLAYBOY: Is there anyone you're dying to 
work with? 

HILL: Of course. Todd Field is a director I 
really love. Га do just about anything with 
Paul Thomas Anderson or Spike Jonze. 
Bennett Miller and I are constantly figuring 
out what we should be doing together. He's 
the greatest. I mean, obviously Scorsese is 
the greatest, but the experience I had with 
Bennett on Moneyball, the friendship we 
had, the understanding of what we care 
about in filmmaking—he's an actual genius. 
He has a movie coming out this year called 
Foxcatcher, which is going to change the 
game. The only other films he’s made are 
Capote and Moneyball, which were incredible 
films. He's a volcano of talent. 

PLAYBOY: 15 there any truth to the rumors 
that you're doing a remake of Bright Lights, 
Big City? 

HILL: None whatsoever. People also tell me 
I'm going to be in a new version of Ghost- 
busters, which isn't happening either. It's so 
easy to spread misinformation. 

PLAYBOY: Will there be a 23, 24 and 25 
Jump Street? 

HILL: I don’t know. It might be nice to have 
a break. The last time I had an actual va- 
cation that lasted longer than a couple of 
weeks was before the Get Him to the Greek 
press tour. I mean, thank God, right? I'm 
the luckiest person to have been working 
so steadily for so long. But doing another 
Jump Street sequel would come down to 
whether it makes sense from a story point 
of view. The first one felt like it needed a 
sequel. We barely ended the movie and we 
were talking about doing a second. Col- 
lege seemed funnier than high school as a 
setting. There are so many obvious jokes 
about what we could do in a third one, but 
whatever we did, it would not be about us 
going undercover. These characters are 
great on their own, and we'd want to ex- 
plore that in any other sequel. 

PLAYBOY: What are your all-time favorite 
sequels? 

HILL: I’m not comparing it to our film, obvi- 
ously, but I think The Godfather: Part II is bet- 
ter than The Godfather. 1 actually think Back to 


the Future Part Il—and I get so much shit for 
this—is better than the original. The first one 
is a masterpiece, but you know what the past 
was like, and they're just going back to that, 
which already existed. In the second one, 
they actually have to create the future. If you 
look at what it is in the film and then look at 
Kanye West and all his stuff, you see they lit- 
erally created an aesthetic for what the future 
ultimately became. People today dress like 
Marty McFly in the future—you know, the 
shoes and the jackets and everything. We're 
all McFly now. I think the second Austin Pow- 
ers with Mini-Me stepped things up. Anoth- 
er one everyone gives me shit about, but I 
don't care, ГИ say it: I think Wayne's World 2 
with Waynestock is great and better than the 
original. I just love the Doors references and 
the self-awareness about the music festival. I 
could watch that movie over and over. 
PLAYBOY: Okay, lightning round. What's 
the most fun you've had at a party? 

HILL: Well, the weirdest party I've ever been 
to was in Sweden. I went traveling by my- 
self a few years ago, and I was in Stock- 
holm and met some random people who 
took me to a house party where everyone 
was dressed up as crazy Vikings and Viking 
wenches. I was the only one who wasn't 
dressed up. Everybody ended up singing 
Viking songs and getting really drunk. 
PLAYBOY: Confess your greatest indulgence. 
HILL: I spend too much money on watches. 
They're important to me. You look at them 
all day, and for me, every time I look at 
what time it is, I remind myself how hard 
Гус worked to get one of these crazy time- 
pieces. [raises wrist to show a black-and-white 
watch] This is one I had made for the 
Oscars by Bamford, a really great company 
in England that customizes watches. This 
one has my initials in green, which is my 
favorite color. 

PLAYBOY: Nice. How about your pop cul- 
ture guilty pleasures? 

HILL: Oh gosh. With movies, it has always 
been Casino, Goodfellas, The Big Lebowski, 
Rushmore, Three Kings. Whenever those are 
on, ГИ watch them. I'm not sure how guilty 
itis, but I just watched this incredible docu- 
mentary series called Brody Stevens: Enjoy It! 
Comedy Central billed it as its first drama, 
but it’s really kind of a bipolar experience 


¿YOU BIG JERK! 


that’s quite remarkable. I love any kind of 
documentary. I loved 12 O'Clock Boys, about 
this group of inner-city dirt bikers who do 
crazy shit in Baltimore. I'm watching Narco 
Cultura tonight because I'm obsessed with 
the narcoculture scene that’s becoming 
popular around Mexico border towns. 
Basically, all these young people who aren't 
drug traffickers dress and act like they are. 
‘They have dance clubs where people cel- 
ebrate narcotics and the cartel culture, the 
guns, the fashion. I find it disturbing that 
anyone would want to popularize and glo- 
rify any of it, but it’s fascinating. 

PLAYBOY: One more. Most surreal Holly- 
wood experience? 

HILL: Steven Spielberg came to the set of 
The Wolf of Wall Street and spent the whole 
day. Spielberg and Scorsese would stand 
together at the monitor, watching the scene 
I just acted in. I'd get notes from both of 
them and go, How the hell did I get here, 
again? That's something ГП remember 
when I’m 90 years old. 

PLAYBOY: What kind of old guy do you 
want to Бе? 

HILL: Surrounded by kids and grandkids. 
But I'm not there yet, you know? I'm happy 
and just enjoying my life. I'm a few months 
into my 30s. I'm not going to act like I'm 
some sage or anything, but for everyone I 
talk to, their 20s were confusing, and my 
20s were very nontraditional. I feel a lot 
more comfortable with who I am now, and 
I'm doing only films that I care about. ГИ 
never do another film, knock on wood, that 
I'm not dying to do and crazy passionate 
about. I've never had that openness in my 
career or my life or felt comfortable enough 
to not just take a job. Honestly, Гуе never 
felt so comfortable in my own skin. For me, 
it’s really about doing great and engaging 
work right now. It comes down to making 
movies ГА want to watch. So even though 
Jump Street and, say, Superbad are goofy 
‘comedies, I'm as proud of them as I am of 
Moneyball, The Wolf of Wall Street or Cyrus. 
Honestly, I just want a stack of DVDs one 
day that says this is what I spent my 20s and 
30s and beyond doing, and these are still 
the movies I would go see with my friends. 


RE 
SWORE YOU ALWAYS 


WEAR A CONDOM!! 


T 


PLAYBOY 


THE LEGEND OF HENRY PARIS 
Continued from page 111 


begins the great ride that is The Opening 
of Misty Beethoven. Wearing a T-shirt with 
American Express and MasterCard logos 
on its front, Misty states her rules: “I do a 
straight fuck. I don't take it in the mouth, 
I don't take it in the ass, and I don't take 
it in the bed." Dr. Love makes a bet with a 
friend: He will train Misty at his school of 
love to become not only the hottest girl of 
the season but to reach the ultimate—being 
named the Golden Rod Girl by famed sex- 
magazine tycoon Lawrence Lehman. Misty 
Beethoven proceeds to retell the enduring 
Pygnalion/My Fair Lady story, but instead of 
teaching a vulgar street urchin to enunci- 
ate, she is taught to fuck. 

Director Henry Paris is a parodist of 
considerable wit and balls, though with 
an affectionate, light touch. Within a few 
frames of the film’s opening, we realize we 
are in the capable hands of a master of self- 
referential humor, elegance and killer one- 
liners, whose tongue is planted firmly in his 
cheek—and soon will be in yours. This is 
no basement production, We are in black- 
tie and gowns at operas in Paris and Rome, 
at vast country estates with multiple uni- 
formed servants (who give head to every- 
one, male and female, nonstop). Everyone 
is beautiful. We are, in other words, in a 
sexual nirvana where reality—the great en- 
emy of the erotic—is nowhere to be found. 

‘The film premiered in 1975 to rave re- 
views and huge audiences and garnered 
multiple awards over the years. It opened 
at a first-run theater in Washington, D.C. 
and did not close for seven years. Lovely 
star Constance Money was invited to do 
a July 1978 ылувоу pictorial. The movie 
made a fortune and even added a phrase 
to our pop-culture lexicon. As one charac- 
ter goes down on her lover, she says, "I'm 
going to suck your cock like the inside of 
а ripe mango. ” A little later, she descends 
again: "Ripe mango, take two." 

ГІ take four. 

Charmed out of my thong, I began to in- 
vestigate this "Henry Paris" and discovered 
he directed only five hardcore films—all 
shot within two years in that brief bubble of 
porn's golden age in the 1970s—of which 
Misty Beethoven is the crown jewel. This 
small collection of films (all newly available 
in high-definition digital transfers) includes 
The Private Afternoons of Pamela Mann, Naked 
Came the Stranger, Barbara Broadcast and 
Maraschino Cherry. (This last work contains a 


142 noteworthy scene featuring a young Spald- 


ing Gray as one of two men in an energetic 
three-way.) The Henry Paris films consti- 
tute an anomaly in the history of porno- 
graphic pictures. They are hardcore satires, 
screwball porn with magnificent allusions to 
the French and Italian New Wave masters. 
Each film has unexpected attributes: origi- 
nal music, actual scripts and stories that go 
from A to B to XXX. 

I became obsessed. Who was Henry 
Paris? Was he dead, as are his unlikely 
contemporaries Damiano and the Mitchell 
brothers? Or perhaps he didn’t exist at all 
and was a stand-in for several now dead 
people? I even thought perhaps he was a 
woman, so advanced were his sexual poli- 
tics and so beautiful his aesthetic. 

Henry Paris is in fact the “nom de 
fuck” of Radley Metzger—director, pro- 
ducer and writer (under the moniker Jake 
Barnes, a sly nod to the castrated hero of 
Hemingway’s The Sun Also Rises) of more 
than 10 other films shot in the 1960s and 
early 1970s under his real name. And 
according to Wikipedia, he was not dead. 
So where was Metzger? He had no website, 
no LinkedIn listing. 

Some time later, something remark- 
able happened. I received a query from 
someone on behalf of one Radley Metzger, 
who had “made a number of well-received 
erotic films in the 1970s and 1980s.” He 
wanted to know if the film rights to my 
erotic memoir The Surrender were available. 
A bizarre coincidence? Absolutely. And a 
brilliant one. The next thing I knew, I was 
ona flight to New York to meet the creator 
of Dolores “Misty” Beethoven himself. 


We arrange to have a drink at a sophisti- 
cated, dimly lit bar on New York City's Low- 
er East Side. I am late, unable to decide what 
to wear to meet the man who has become, 
to me, the king of cinematic sex. Entering 
the bar, I see no one. I walk around a cor- 
ner and there, at a cozy circular table, sits a 
disarmingly handsome man, arms lazily out- 
stretched along the curve of the red-velvet 
booth. He rises to greet me; he is very tall. 

Metzger, now 85, remains impossibly el- 
egant, gray silk cravat around his neck à la 
Fred Astaire. With his twinkling blue eyes 
and great head of wavy silver hair, he looks 
like a cross between Leonard Bernstein 
and Samuel Beckett. And so we chat. He 
has a mind like a steel trap, a razor-sharp 
wit (no surprise there) and a knowledge of 
film—from The Birth of a Nation on—to go 
head-to-head with Martin Scorsese. Over 
several days we meet again and again, and 
the true story behind the legend of Henry 
Paris unfolds—as strange and dramatic as 
any of his films. 

Radley Henry Metzger was born in 1929, 
the year of the stock market crash, on the 
Grand Concourse in the Bronx, second son 
of Jewish parents who were hard hit by the 
Great Depression. “My first word was not 
mama but dispossessed,” says Metzger, smil- 
ing. Plagued by severe allergies, he found 
the only sure cure: air-conditioned movie 
theaters, where, as a youngster, he would 
often take in three or four films a day. His 
apparently even handsomer brother (now 


deceased) went on to medical school and 
became an ob-gyn; as adults they joked 
about ending up in related professions. 

Metzger attended Columbia Univer- 
sity but dropped out during the Korean 
War to sign up for the Air Force, where 
he opted for training as a film editor for 
military propaganda films. After the war he 
joined Janus Films, where he began edit- 
ing and occasionally dubbing the Ameri- 
can trailers for the A-list foreign films that 
were at the time making cinema history— 
Michelangelo Antonioni's L'Avventura, 
Francois Truffaut's Jules and Jim and the 
films of the great Dane Ingmar Bergman. 

“One of the best compliments I ever 
got,” recalls Metzger, “was from Bergman, 
who liked the trailer I did for Through a 
Glass Darkly.” He also remembers sitting 
alongside Jean Renoir in an editing room 
in New York, doing the cuts and dubbing 
for the U.S. release of Can-Can. "Renoir 
said something to me that I have never 
forgotten," says Metzger. " "There is always 
just one moment in a film that everyone 
remembers,’ he said. ‘And that is enougl 

By his mid-20s Metzger had raised just 
enough money—"If we'd had twice as 
much it would have qualified as a shoe- 
string budget"—to make his first film. Dark 
Odyssey, a Kazan-like story of a Greek immi- 
grant honor killing, contains some stunning 
shots of the 1950s New York skyline, includ- 
ing the George Washington Bridge before 
it had a second level. Although Howard 
Thompson gave the film a good word in 
The New York Times, it was a box-office bust. 

“Even my relatives didn’t want to see it,” 
Metzger has said. "I've heard art film de- 
fined as a foreign film nobody wants to see, 
and this was an American art film. I don't 
know if there's a word in English, in any 
language, that sums up the flop this thing 
was. 1 don't like to blow my own horn, but 
I believe it holds the record for the lowest 
gross of any film ever made." 

Тһе humiliation Metzger suffered (not 
to mention the debts he amassed) was the 
catalyst for his future career. He, like many 
achievers, finds failure both more useful 
and more interesting than success. "The 
one thing people are defenseless against in 
this business is success," he says. "It's the 
single most corrupting influence.” 

Heavily in debt, Metzger took the leap 
from young artist to pragmatist, quickly 
noting what sold a film and lured an audi- 
ence: sex. Не had been involved in dub- 
bing the sensational 1957 French import 
And God Created Woman, which had turned 
an unknown young actress named Bri- 
gitte Bardot into a superstar. Metzger had 
watched the bombshell effect on an Ameri- 
can public delighted by breasts—and hun- 
gry for more. Metzger pounced. 

In the early 1960s he formed his own 
production and distribution company, 
‘Audubon Films (named after the first mov- 
ie theater he attended), with a colleague 
named Ava Leighton (who also worked at 
Janus Films), and while Leighton set up the 
business in New York, Metzger set off for 
Europe to seek their fortune. He screened 
hundreds of films, and over the next decade 
Audubon became the premier distributor of 


sexy foreign films in the U.S. Іп the 1960s 
this meant an occasional naked bosom or 
veiled body shot accompanied by a risqué 
story and always a beautiful ingenue. 

Audubon had a secret weapon, some- 
thing no other distributor had: Metzger's 
expert skills as an editor. Typically he 
would buy a European film cheaply and 
then rework it, editing the story for speed 
and accessibility, dubbing it into English, 
occasionally shooting nude inserts to help 
the narrative along and adding spar- 
Kling taglines for the ad campaign. It was 
a winning formula at just the right time: 
pre-hardcore, with the pill and the age of 
‘Aquarius in full swing. 

Audubon made a lot of money. 

The Twilight Girls (tagline: 
lovel") stars the 
gorgeous Agnes 
Laurent and Cath- 
erine Deneuve in 
her first screen role. 
Metzger added a five- 
minute sequence of 
two girls kissing and 
some flashes of na- 
ked breasts, and the 
film was off and run- 
ning. Other releases 
included Warm Nights 
and Hot Pleasures 
("Where sex goes skin 
deep"), The Weird 
Love Makers ("They 
do everything!”), The 
Fourth Sex ("Is she 
or isn't she? Only 
her lover knows for 
sure...”) and Dani- 
ella by Night, which 
introduced Elke 
Sommer to Ameri- 
can audiences (she 


3110 


the film. He bought it for $5,000, and 
after his usual dubs and edits, the film 
was released іп 1966 with the tagline "It 
is entirely possible to make excitation a 
way of life." By 1966 standards it was hot 
and edgy. It became a sensation, pulling 
in an unprecedented female audience to 
a "dirty" picture. "It touched something 
in women. It was probably the first femi- 
nist erotic film released in the 1960s, and 
it pushed a button with every woman in 
America," says Metzger. 

"A door opened," he recalls, * 
walked right through i 


"and 1 


Beginning іп 1963, as the Audubon coffers 
started to fill, Metzger started to make his 


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on a library floor that is a giant enlarge- 
ment of a dictionary page, the definitions 
for masturbate, fornicate, ecstasy and copulate 
as their literary backdrop. Score, ап explo- 
ration of bisexuality, was Metzger's first 
foray into pushing-the-envelope soft-c 
The film has real erections and is 
on a sexy off-Broadway play (in which an 
unknown Sylvester Stallone played а randy 
telephone repairman). 

By this time, however, Deep Throat had 
arrived, and the entire landscape for erotic 
films changed virtually overnight. After 
weak box-office receptions for his previous 
two films, Metzger felt forced—"We tried 
to resist"—by the market demand (and 
bill collectors) to venture into the hard- 
core arena. And so Henry Paris was born. 
Henry is Metzger's 
middle name, and, 
he explains, "some- 
one named Paris 
was very helpful to 
me at one point in 
my life." What a way 
to repay a favor. 

Over 24 months, 
Metzger, as Henry 
Paris, made his 
five hardcore "fuck 
films," as he calls 
them, all released in 
the next few years. 
It is these films on 
which his reputation 
now, rather errone- 
ously, is based. 

The Private After- 
noons of Pamela 
Mann was shot over 
six and a half days 
in New York. Its 
premise involves a 
rich husband who 


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later had big roles 
in everything from 
Peter Sellers's second 
Pink Panther movie to 
The Love Boat). 
Metzger learned 


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ез a (horny) pri- 
vate eye to spy on 
his beautiful, cheat- 
ing wife. The first 
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to walk that un- 
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when it came to the 
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always stayed five 
miles ahead of the 
speed limit," he ex- 
plains. Nevertheless, Audubon was never 
not in court—for more than two years with 
The Twilight Girls. 

"They said, ‘It’s a dirty picture; " recalls 
Metzger, "and I said, “No, it isn't dirty,’ and 
they said, ‘Well, it's a lousy picture,’ and I 
said, "That's like saying a rich man deserves 
more justice than a poor man.’ We finally 
won.” It was one of the last big cases tried 
by the New York State Censorship Board 
before it was permanently dismantled. 
Sexy films were here to stay. The only 
question that remained was, How explicit 
could they get? 

In 1965, having read a small notice in 
Variety about a Swedish film called I, a 
Woman, Metzger flew to Denmark— It 
wasn't even a screening room"—to see 


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own movies again, turning out in fast suc- 
cession a series of playfully erotic (though 
not yet pornographic) films. 

First came The Dirty Girls, the story of two 
prostitutes—one a streetwalker, the other 
a high-class call girl—exquisitely photo- 
graphed in various stages of nudity and 
activity. Next was The Alley Cats, which fea- 
tures the only cameo of Metzger himself, 
jumping into a swimming pool in full eve- 
ning dress—"The guy for the scene didn't 
show, so I filled in.” And Carmen, Baby 
(“Тһе total female animal”), which became 
Metzger's highest-grossing film, netting 
Audubon $3 million. 

Lickerish Quartet includes a stunning sex 
scene—shot at Cinecitta studios in Rome, 
home of Federico Fellini—with a couple 


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` Е in her first (though 
ntion с 14130 | not last) hardcore 

Pus shoping ndhanaing. | film, blowing a for- 
patera | tunate young man 
on a park bench 
on the East River 
walkway. She takes down Marc “10%” 
Stevens's humongous cock with such 
smooth and slow plunges that she makes 
Linda Lovelace's Deep Throat efforts of the 
previous year look sophomoric. It is posi- 
tively poetic, with a massive payoff. 

Naked Came the Stranger is based on the 
best-selling book by Penelope Ashe, who 
was, in fact, no fewer than 24 authors, 
masterminded by New York Newsday col- 
umnist Mike McGrady (who later co-wrote 
Linda Lovelace's memoir Ordeal). The film 
contains extraordinary sequences, such as 
one in which a reluctant chap gets head 
on the top of a red double-decker bus as it 
drives down Fifth Avenue. One can see all 
the familiar storefronts pass by, as well as 
the Christmas tree at Rockefeller Center. 


143 


PLAYBOY 


144 


CREDITS: COVER MODEL: KENNEDY SUMMERS, 
PHOTOGRAPHER: MICHAEL BERNARD, CRE- 
ATIVE DIRECTOR: MAC LEWIS, HAIR: ROQUE 
FOR TRACEY MATTINGLY AGENCY, MAKEUP: JO 
STRETTELL FOR THE MAGNET AGENCY, NAILS: 
TRACY CLEMENS FOR OPUS BEAUTY, PHOTO 
DIRECTOR: REBECCA BLACK, PRODUCER 
STEPHANIE MORRIS, PRODUCTION ASSISTANTS: 
KARLA GOTCHER, LILLY LAWRENCE, LAUREL 
LEWIS, SET DESIGN: KYLE KANNENBERG, 
STYLING: EMMA TRASK FOR OPUS BEAUTY, 
PHOTOGRAPHY BY: P. 5 COURTESY ТОМ! BENT- 
LEY, COURTESY MICHAEL BERNARD, COURTESY 
SCOTT CARNEY, COURTESY KEVIN COOK, COUR: 
TESY DAVID HOCHMAN, COURTESY JESSICA 
OGILVIE, COURTESY HILARY WINSTON, MATT 
HOYLE, RHEA GILMORE TAMARIN; Р. 8 SASHA 
EISENMAN, MATT HOYLE, DANNY KIM; P. 12 
MARIO CASILLI, PETER GOWLAND, TONY KELLY, 
LAUREL LEWIS, ELAYNE LODGE, POMPEO POSAR 
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Shooting on a Sunday morning—“Every 
independent filmmaker's best friend,” says 
Metzger—the crew, director and actors 
were onboard for hours as the bus cruised 
up and down the avenue, the tourists be- 
low oblivious to the events on the top deck. 

Within two years, however, Metzger 
abruptly stopped making hardcore. “Га 
done everything I wanted to do. I was 
done," he says. Shortly thereafter he 
stopped making films altogether. He cites 
one factor that played a role in his filmic 
disappearance: the long, painful death 
from cancer of his production partner at 
Audubon Films, Ava Leighton, who had 
been with him from the beginning. By 
then, the mid-1980s, the industry had 
changed, Metzger says. "And when she 
died, all the fun went out of it. Her death 
left a great void." 

Unlike so many of the players in the 
early days of hardcore who sold their films 
for a pittance, losing out on future mil- 
lions, Metzger retained full ownership of 
his. (Distribpix currently distributes all the 
Henry Paris films in remastered form.) 
Since that time, he has played on the fringe 
with ideas and scripts and insists he may 
have another movie in him. Who knows? 


‘There is a common theme to Metzger's 
films, both hard and soft, uncommon in 
a genre designed to sexually excite: clas- 
sic love stories of separation and recon- 
ciliation. The Dirty Girls, The Alley Cats, 
Score, The Image, The Private Afternoons of 
Pamela Mann, Naked Came the Stranger and 
of course Misty Beethoven all feature this 
conceit. Unlike most Hollywood love sto- 
ries, the journey of separation in Metzger's 
oeuvre inevitably involves sexual adven- 
tures that not only are given full play but, 
more often than not, are the actual cata- 
lysts for the couple's reconciliation. All the 
fun and games take place in sophisticated, 
rich (no one works for a living in Metzger's 
world) and exotic settings. "Who wants to 
see sex in Queens?" Metzger says. Sex is 
portrayed as a unifying, guiltless, happy 
indulgence—the utopian dream that was 
the promise of the sexual revolution before 
the unforeseen consequences of the 1980s 
sent fornication to condoms and fear. 

Although Metzger is best known for 
Misty Beethoven, 1 believe his masterpiece 
came earlier, with his 1968 film Thérése 
and Isabelle, in which love and sex meld 
so deeply and cling so close to the bone 
that even Metzger the master jokester sur- 
rendered to the only serious tagline of his 
career: “A love story.” And so it is. 

In keeping with his usual practice of 
basing films on works of literature—"1 
came from the editing room, and I wasn't 
very secure in creating narrative story 
structure"—Metzger bought the rights to 
a novel by the cult French writer Violette 
Leduc. He remembers the one thing she said 
to him before he made the movie: "Don't 
make a dirty picture." And he didn't—and 
in doing so, Radley Metzger (not as Henry 
Paris) made his most erotic film ever. 

Shot outside Paris in somber, velvety 
black-and-white by the great Hans Jura, 


with an evocative original score by Georges 
Auric, the film is a haunting, lyrical tone 
poem starring the luminescent Essy 
Persson as Thérése and Anna Gaél as the 
delicate but rebellious Isabelle. When I ask 
Metzger what he wanted most in a female 
lead, he doesn’t miss a beat: “Innocence.” 
He found it in spades in these two young 
actresses. Using an abandoned monastery 
as a boarding school, the film tells the story 
of beautiful schoolgirls who fall in love un- 
der the scrutinizing gaze of parents, school- 
mistresses and, most critically wicked of all, 
their own peers. 

Thérése and Isabelle make scrambling, 
passionate love in a bathroom stall, on the 
stone floor of the stark sanctuary with a 
crucifix looming above them and, finally, 
outside the school walls, alone at last, at 
twilight on the shore of a river, their naked 
bodies gliding into each other like merging 
shadow selves. 

Metzger's allegiance to his source had 
him layer Leduc's exact prose over the 
lovemaking scenes, a risky cinematic con- 
vention, as so often words detract from 
erotic effect. But it works. Leduc's stark 
text evokes the intense, dreamlike, anar- 
chistic experience of discovering sexual 
pleasure as a foreign land. It seems only 
fitting that it was during the shooting of 
Thérèse and Isabelle that Metzger fell in love 
himself, married and had a daughter. 

Called the “finest commercial feature 
about adolescent lesbian love,” the film 
was popular at drive-ins—but only with 
an added-on ending (not in the book) 
that Metzger despises. The entire film is 
a flashback told by Thérése, who visits 
her childhood school as a woman; in the 
drive-in version, at the close of the film 
she is seen climbing into a waiting car 
with her...husband. What a relief—not a 
lesbian after all. 

“А 100 percent gay story was a very fright- 
ening concept in 1968,” says Metzger. But in 
the intervening years, he has located every 
single print with the heterosexual ending 
and, he says with considerable satisfaction, 
they are “buried in an unmarked grave.” 

For me the film stands alone in Metzger’s 
oeuvre—and in the ever-evolving genre 
that attempts to depict the complexity of 
female eroticism. He miraculously melded 
an unapologetic, graphic depiction of fe- 
male sexual excitement with that most un- 
derrated erotic component of all, the thing 
that sexually explicit films refuse in th 
headstrong prurience: love. 

And there it is, that one memorable 
moment—as Jean Renoir pointed out to 
Metzger—that makes a film. I remember 
the absolute wonder of Thérése’s face, 
close up, bursting beyond the edges of the 
giant screen, as she endures Isabelle's re- 
lentless lower ministrations. It is one ofthe 
most beautiful, intimate extended images 
I have ever seen on film. And somehow, 
miraculously, the more pleasure Thérése 
inherits, the more innocent she becomes, 
and the beauty and pain that is the deep- 
est pleasure a woman can know is revealed. 

"Thanks, Radley. 


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RED SOX NATION 
Continued from page 78. 


and he was 215, big for those days. He 
looked like he lifted anvils. 'The ball made a 
different sound when he hit it. I saw Jimmy 
break his bat on a checked swing without 
making contact with the ball! Making me feel 
bad. I'd check my swing and look at the bat. 
Is it cracked? No? Damn, I'ma mere mortal. 
NOWLIN: That team had bigger stars, but 
Fisk, the catcher—a tough New Englander 
known for his run-ins with the Yankees” 
Thurman Munson—really defined them. 
LYNN: Pudge Fisk was my first roommate. I 
loved him, but I was a loner, so I paid $1,000 
to have my own room on the road. Not per 
night—$1,000 for the whole season. 

Yaz was the senior guy on our team. 
He and I were similar left-handed hitters. 
There was no video to study in those days, 
so I'd stand in the on-deck circle, watching. 
how they pitched him. Game after game 
they pitched me the same way. 


Lynn batted .331 with 21 home runs and 105 
RBIs in 1975. Rice hit .309 with 22 home runs 
and 102 RBIs but hurt his wrist and missed the 
postseason. Still, the Sox swept Oakland in the 
‘American League Championship Series, earn- 
ing a trip to the еріс 1975 World Series against 
Cincinnati's “Big Red Machine." Boston's game 
one starter was muttonchopped junkballer Luis 
Tiant, who had fled Cuba just before Fidel 
Castro came to power. 

BILL LITTLEFIELD, WBUR radio host: I 
loved Tiant’s intensity and sheer love of 
pitching. He'd been terrible in 1969, his 
last year in Cleveland, and terrible his first 
year in Boston. Then he reinvented him- 
self as an off-speed pitcher. A lovable rec- 
lamation project who smoked a big Cuban 
cigar and horsed around in the clubhouse. 
One time he was stopped for speeding, and 
when the officer asked what he was doing, 
he said, “Bringing some heat.” 

Other players would hang their heads 
during losing streaks, but Tiant said, "Give 
me the ball." I saw him throw 170 pitches 
one day when he had nothing—nothing 
but guts and his crazy windup. 

PETE ROSE, 1975 World Series MVP with 
the Cincinnati Reds: Tiant liked to screw 
with hitters' heads. 

LITTLEFIELD: His motion was a triumph 
of illusion, the illusion that he could still 
throw hard. He'd go through crazy contor- 
tions, cocking his hip to the point of dislo- 
cation, his back to the plate. 

ROSE: He'd mess you up if you watched 


146 his head spin backward like The Exorcist. 


But his contortions didn't bother me. 
Hell, his head could fall off and roll over 
to first base, and I'd never notice because 
I'm not looking at his head. I'm looking at 
his release point. 

MARK FROST, co-creator of Тігіп Peaks, 
author of Game Six: Cincinnati, Boston, 
and the 1975 World Series: For me, Tiant 
and his father were the emotional center 
of the story. Luis Tiant Sr., a once-great 
star of the Negro Leagues reduced to 
poverty in Cuba, finally got a visa thanks 
to Senator George McGovern. McGovern 
hand-delivered a letter to Castro, making a 
passionate case for why the baseball-loving 
presidente should allow Tiant to be reunited 
with his aging, ailing parents. 

After an emotional reunion at Logan 
Airport, Luis Sr. watched his son pitch a 
masterful shutout of the mighty Reds in 
game one of the World Series. Later that 
night, during a joyful celebration at the 
Tiant home, Luis came through the door 
and saw his father looking up at him, a 
sweet proud smile on his face. They held 
each other without saying a word, both 
weeping. The dream, passed down from 
father to son, had come all the way home. 


In game four, Тіпті nursed a 5-4 lead into 
the ninth inning. With two on and one out, the 
Reds’ Ken Griffey sent a rocket to lefi-center. 
Lynn made an over-the-shoulder catch. Joe Mor- 
gan popped ош on Пат 163rd pitch, and the 
series was tied, two games apiece. 
ROSE: That series really helped the game of 
baseball. The NFL was catching up as the 
real national pastime, but the 1975 World 
Series helped baseball take off again. We 
got rained out three straight times, so these 
vivid personalities—me, Johnny Bench, 
Yaz, Fisk, Tiant, Bill Lee—entertained the 
writers for three days of hype. 

Fenway got so wet we had to work out in 
a gym at Tufts University. But we got lost 
on the way. Our bus pulls into a gas station 
and the attendant's eyes bug out, seeing 
the Cincinnati Reds in full uniform. The 
guy's got a Red Sox cap on, and he gives us 
bad directions. We rode around Boston for 
an hour looking for Tufts University. 
VOGEL: Game six was one of the great 
battles in baseball history—tied 6-6 in the 
12th inning. 
ROSE: I go to bat and there's Fisk behind 
the plate. I said, “Isn't this fun, Carlton? 
Isn't this as good as it gets?" He says, "Yeah. 
Yeah, this is fun." Maybe I relaxed him. 


Bottom of the 12th: Fisk up against rookie pitcher. 
Pat Darcy, а sinkerballer who had allowed 
only four homers in. 130 innings. Reds catcher 
Johnny Bench called for a low-inside sinker. Fisk 
sent a towering fly down the left-field line. 
NOWLIN: I had an SRO ticket to the game. 
"The ushers let us sit in the aisle between sec- 
tions 18 and 19, so I'm looking right down the 
line, following the flight of Fisk's long fly ball. 


TV cameras were supposed to track the balls 
flight too, but NBC cameraman Lou Gerard, 
distracted by a Fenway Park rat running past his 
foot, lost the ball. Gerard kept his camera on Fisk 
and captured an immortal sports moment: Fisk 
trying to wave the ball fair. 


NOWLIN: Fair ball! Sox win! 

ROSE: Game six—that was the only loss I 
ever had fun in. 

NOWLIN: After the game, all over Boston, 
cars honked their horns for hours. 

ROSE: But we could still win game seven. 
BILL "SPACEMAN" LEE, Sox pitcher, 1969- 
1978: So could we. The Reds' lineup was 
stacked, but I shut 'em out for five innings 
in the last game. 

ROSE: As tough as Tiant was, we thought of 
Lee as their best pitcher—the Spaceman, 
the famous flake. 

DON NATHAN, Sox fan: One day I was at 
Baltimore's Memorial Stadium, waiting out 
a rain delay. Rick Dempsey entertained the 
crowd with a Babe Ruth impression. He 
stuck a pillow under his jersey, took a big 
left-handed swing, ran the bases and fin- 
ished by belly flopping into home. Then 
Bill Lee came out with a bat, ball and glove. 
Without a word or a look at the crowd, һе 
placed the glove at his feet, flipped the 
ball in the air and fungoed it straight up. 
Leaned down, jammed his hand into the 
glove and caught the ball. A nice trick. 

Then he tossed the ball again. Hit it al- 
most straight up but a step to his left. Hand 
into glove, one step over, catches the ball. 
Steps back to where he started and hits one 
a step to his right. This went on, each pop- 
up taking him a little farther left or right, 
ull he finally hit one too far away to run 
and catch. He gathered up his ball and 
glove and left the field, never acknowledg- 
ing the cheering fans. That was Lee: skill- 
ful, entertaining and completely baffling. 
VOGEL: Bill Lee claimed he sprinkled mari- 
juana on his pancakes in the morning. 
LEE: Some reporters asked me about a so- 
called drug problem on the team, and I 
said, "Yes, the Red Sox have been abusing 
alcohol, caffeine and tobacco for years." 
"Then they asked about marijuana. I said 
I used it. So Commissioner Bowie Kuhn 
calls me into his office and says, “Bill, it says 
here you smoke pot.” 

“Read the story, Bowie. It says I use it.” 

“Well, how do you use it?” 

“I make my breakfast, add an ounce of 
marijuana and then run six miles to the 
ballpark. The pot makes me impervious 
to bus fumes along the road.” And he be- 
lieved me. The commissioner said, “I'll buy 
that.” Pretty soon I got a letter informing 
me I was fined $250 for using marijuana 
"as a condiment." 

ROSE: Yeah, Lee was a flake. But he could 
get you out. 

LEE: Prophets in their own time are sel- 
dom embraced. 

ROSE: Lee had us down in two games that 
series until we came back against their bull- 
pen. Now he’s shutting us out in game seven. 


And then the Spaceman uncorked the craziest 
pitch in baseball history. 

LEE: Well, I was rolling along till I got a blis- 
ter. I was what they called a cunny-thumber, 
a guy who uses his thumb to put spin on the 
ball. In the fifth inning I got a blister. I'd 
have been okay if we had somebody who 
could cauterize a blister, but our trainer was 
this little SOB who couldn't give a massage 
to the Pillsbury Doughboy. The blister pops; 


now I'm getting blood on the ball. Blood 
makes the ball rise. I still get Johnny Bench 
to hit a double-play ball. But our manager, 
Don Zimmer—"the Gerbil,” so named by 
me—had told second baseman Denny Doy 
to play farther from the bag. Doyle's late cov 
ering; he throws the ball away. Yaz almost 
snagged it, but he stretched too soon. So іп- 
stead of being out of the inning, I've got опе 
on, two out, Tony Pérez up. That's baseball — 
it's always a cloud of contingencies. 

LEARY: I loved Bill Lee, but about once a 
month he threw an сервиз pitch, a big, 
slow blooper.... 

LEE: I threw Pérez a slow curve. A very slow, 
very high curve. Okay, it was an eephus. Or 
a leephus, as I called 
LEARY: That pitch took so long to get to the 
plate that if you play back the tape you'll 
hear me yelling, "Don't throw that pitch to 
Tony Pérez!" 

LEE: And he hit it hard. 

FRIEDMAN: For a two-run homer. The ball 
reached orbit somewhere over Newfound- 
land, and the Sox went on to lose. 


Lynn was named 1975 rookie of the year. Along 
with a Gold Glove for his defense in center, һе 
was also named MVP. becoming the first player 
to win all three awards іп the same year. 


LYNN: There was no ceremony in those 
days, no nothing. I found out about the 
MVP while I was driving from Boston back 
home to California. Stopped into a motel, 
flipped on the TV and saw my picture. 
“Hey, that's mel" I was thrilled—beyond 
the honor, it got me a $20,000 bonus. 


Three years later, the Sox and Yankees went 
down the stretch tied in the standings. Both 
teams won every day for a week, leading a 
Boston newscaster to announce, “Pope dead, 
Sox alive, details at 11.” In а one-game play- 
off for the division crown, the Sox led 2-0 in 
the seventh—until light-hitting shortstop Bucky 
Dent's three-run homer sank them. The Yankees 
went on lo win the World Series. 

CARL YASTRZEMSKI, Sox left fielder, 1961— 
: [Postgame] ‘Those bastards always 
little extra. 

: I was at Emerson College, totally 
caught up in the Sox. After the 1975 series 
I thought we could win five World Series 
in a row. Until Bucky Dent. That's when I 
realized the curse was real—and considered 
offering my left testicle for a championship. 
O'BRIEN: Next thing you know, they trade 
Lynn to the Angels. It was my first expe 
ence with a Red Sox leaving. Pretty soon 
my hero's in a Fantasy Island segment. It 


was upsetting, a very un-Sox thing to do. 
LYNN: I faced Radar from M*A*S*H. His 
fantasy was to face Steve Garvey, George 
Brett and me, and strike us all out. I went 
last. My line was "And I thought Nolan Ryan 
was tough." So much for my acting career. 
O'BRIEN: A few years later I was at Harvard. 
Being a Sox fan wasn't cool, but then no- 
body's cool at Harvard. If you're cool you 
drop out and start a social media empire. 
TOM VERDUCCI, Sports Illustrated writer: 
My first pilgrimage to Fenway was on 
opening day 1985. I arrived early and 
walked out to the Green Monster. Seeing 
it up close, after years of knowing it only 
from NBC Game of the Week cameras, was 
a shock. The surface was dented like the 
dimples of a golf ball. And like a celebrity, 
the Monster was taller and more imposing 
than I imagined. 


In 1986 the Sox made their fourth World Series 
since 1918. In game six, leading the New York 
Mets by two in the 10th inning, the Sox were 
about to win at last. 

LYNN: Late in the game, Johnny McNamara 
usually brought Dave Stapleton in to play 
defense at first base. But now he lets em 
tion creep in. Johnny Mac was a playe 
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PLAYBOY 


148 


clinch, change history, reverse the curse. 
He wants his regulars out there for the big. 
moment. So he made an emotional deci- 
sion. He left Bill Buckner at first base. 


Three singles and a wild pitch brought 
Mookie Wilson to the plate. Wilson hit a drib- 
bler to Buckner, 

VERDUCCI: At that moment Theo Epstein, 
who would grow up to be the team’s boy- 
ish general manager, was 12. He was stand- 
ing on the back of his sofa, waiting to jump 
for joy when the Sox won. He had to skulk 
back down when the ball went through 
Buckner's legs. 

NOWLIN: Buckner's error crushed Boston. 
We were poised to celebrate, then all of a 
sudden the wind went out of the whole 
town. I went for a walk and passed three 
or four other despondent people with their 
heads down, nobody saying a word. 
LEARY: You know what nobody talks 
about? Bob Stanley, the pitcher, didn't run 
to cover first. Buckner's so far from the bag 
they wouldn't get Mookie even if he fields 
the ball. Everybody blames Buckner and 
forgets Bob Stanley. 

TIM WAKEFIELD, Sox pitcher, 1995-2011: 


My college roommate and I watched the 
1986 series unfold, the ball going through 
Buckner's legs. So I knew about the curse 
before I ever got to Boston. 

I was a first baseman when Pittsburgh 
drafted me. But I was never gonna make 
the big leagues as a hitter, so I became а 
pitcher, a knuckleball pitcher. 


Wakefield reached the big leagues in 1992. He 
went 8-1 down the stretch for the Pirates, beat 
the Braves twice in that year’s National League 
Championship Series and was set to be the se- 
ries MVP. Atlanta scored three runs in the bot- 
tom of the ninth to win the game and the series. 
Wakefield's career crumbled. The Pirates re- 
leased him in 1995. 

WAKEFIELD: I signed with Boston, got my 
confidence back. Had a great year in 1995 
(16-8, 2.95 ERA] and loved being there. 
Fenway’s one of the last remaining citadels 
of baseball. 

FRIEDMAN: Wakefield could be excruciating 
to watch. If his knuckler didn’t knuckle, it 
was batting practice. He went 6-11 in 1999, 
6-10 in 2000, with hideous ERAs. We'd say, 
“How can they start fucking Wakefield?” 
And then, when you least expected it, he'd 


"I admit I sexually harassed them, but I was hoping they would 
sexually harass me in return.” 


pitch a gem, and we'd be high: 
saying, “Yeah, fucking Wakefield.” 


In 2002 a group led by Boston businessman 
John Henry and former Padres owner Tom 
Werner bought the team. 

WAKEFIELD: Not that the previous owners 
did a bad job, but the real turnaround came 
when Mr. Henry and Mr. Werner took over. 
We got a bigger weight room and a players’ 
lounge. They even fixed the field. The in- 
field at Fenway had always been crowned 
for drainage. ‘They paid extra to make it 
flat, which helped the fielders. You could 
feel a new time coming. We were proud to 
be Red Sox, ready to go to war. 

O'BRIEN: I lived in New York during my 
SNL and Late Night days, and it felt like be- 
ing a Union spy in the Deep South during 
the Civil War. There always seemed to be a 
giant parade with Пегек Jeter going past 
the coffee shop I was sitting in. 


Before the final game of the 2003 ALCS, a Man- 
hattan water main flooded the George Washing- 
ton Bridge. The Yankees’ Jason Giambi was sure 
he'd be late—until police officers saw the steroi- 
dal slugger stuck in traffic and gave his Porsche 
a lights-and-sirens escort. Giambi hit a pair of 
homers to keep the Yanks close that night. Mari- 
ano Rivera pitched three shutout innings, and 
Wakefield faced Aaron Boone in extra innings. 
WAKEFIELD: My confidence was all there 
because I'd been getting him out. 


He owned Aaron Boone. They had faced each 
other five times in the series; Boone was zero for 
five, with three lazy flies and two strikeouts. But 
Yankees manager Joe Torre had noticed Boone 
stepping in the bucket, pulling balls foul. 

JOE TORRE, Yankees manager, 1996-2007: 
[Pulling Boone aside] Try hitting to right 
field. That'll help you keep it fair. 
WAKEFIELD: First pitch, I let it go and—— 
LEARY: Boom! Boone launches a home run 
and joins an elite club. There are four Sox- 
killers in the club, all with the same middle 
name: Babe Fucking Ruth, Harry Fucking 
Frazee, Bucky Fucking Dent and Aaron 
Fucking Boone. 

AARON BOONE, Yankees third baseman, 
2003: [Mobbed by teammates and reporters on 
the field] What I want to know is, what are all 
these people doing in my dream 
WAKEFIELD: It was over so fast. You're to- 
tally in the thick of it, and a second later it's 
over—the game, the season. That's when I 
really felt the curse. 


As Boone touched the plate, the loudspeakers at 
Yankee Stadium began playing "New York, New 
York"— 14 times in a row. Not exactly what the 
Sox wanted to hear. 

WAKEFIELD: А media guy told me I would 
have been MVP if we had won. Instead I was 
the goat. In the clubhouse, Nomar Garcia- 
parra came over to me. Trot Nixon and Doug 
Mirabelli too. They hugged me and said, 
“Hey, man, it's not your fault.” When the 
reporters came in, I apologized to our fans. 
VACCARO: Roger Clemens and David Wells 
lugged some champagne out to Monument 
Park, beyond the left-field fence, and 
drank to Babe Ruth's plaque. Wells said, 
"He's shining on us. The curse lives!” 


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LEE: I had a big rat in my house in those 
days. He dug through Sheetrock, lived in 
the refrigerator, ate all our cat food. The 
cat wanted nothing to do with him. That 
night I put some peanut butter in a trap, 
and at the very instant of Boone’s home 
run, snap! Got him! And I realized that rat 
was a Sox fan. When Boone connected, he 
didn't want to live anymore. 

VISSER: I wailed as if my dog had died. I had 
spent so many years in Fenway, so many 
years listening to Curt Gowdy on cheap 
transistor radios, so many years covering 
games, yelling in bars, caring too much. And 
we were never going to win a World Series. 


The day after Thanksgiving 2003 the Sox traded 
Casey Fossum, Brandon Lyon and two minor 
leaguers for Yankee-killer Curt Schilling. Asked 
about the Yanks’ mystique and aura, Schilling 
had scoffed, “Mystique and Aura? Those are 
dancers in a nightclub.” 

CURT SCHILLING, Sox pitcher, 2004-2008: 
[Trying on a Sox cap] 1 guess I hate the Yan- 
kees now. 

O'BRIEN: The doorman in my building 
taught my son to say "Go Yankees," which 
troubled me. One day I'm in a hotel eleva- 
tor with Ben Affleck. I knew Ben a little; 
he'd been on the show. But he's a busy man, 
probably running late to make an Oscar- 
winning film, so I just nod and say, "Hey, 
Ben." He says hey and then, just as he's get- 
ting off the elevator, I mention the doorman 
who taught my son to say “Со Yankees." 
And Ben stops, spins around, blocking the 
elevator door, and says, “That's fucked up. 
You gotta get that guy fired." 
VACCARO: The hate was real. Red Sox presi- 
dent Larry Lucchino called the Yankees 
baseball's “evil empire." Yanks owner George 
Steinbrenner called Lucchino's comment 
bullshit. "That's how a sick person thinks,” 
Steinbrenner said. After that he wouldn't 
even say the Red Sox's name. He called them 
"that team from north of here." 
WAKEFIELD: I spent the winter in Flor- 
ida, didn't read Boston papers or listen 
to sports radio, so I didn't know where I 
stood with the fans. Then I went up for the 
Baseball Writers' Association dinner, an an- 
nual event full of Sox fans. Was I still the 
goat? Well, they gave me the longest stand- 
ing ovation I ever heard. Brought me to 
tears. That's when I thought there might 
be better times ahead. 


The Yankees opened the 2004 ALCS by beating 
the Red Sox three times in a row. No team in 
baseball history had ever come back from a 3-0 
deficit to win a postseason series. 

NOWLIN: At batting practice before game 
four, Kevin Millar went around to the 
Yankees, warning them, "Better not let 
us win tonight." He had a feeling the Sox 
weren't done. Sure enough, they got even. 
Schilling won game six, the famous bloody- 
sock game, despite pitching with a stitched- 
together ankle tendon that bled through 
his sock. One more victory might reverse 
the curse. Before game seven, I asked Sox 
fans, “What if we beat them?” Would it 
ruin us? Would the fall apart? 

LEARY: I got so nervous I had to sit on the 
same spot on my couch, night after night. 


I said, "They're winning. I can't move." 
LEE: It was sweet, watching the Yankees fold. 
FRIEDMAN: David “Big Papi" Ortiz hom- 
ered in the seventh game. Johnny Damon 
hit two. The Sox won 10-3—on to the 
World Series. 

WAKEFIELD: It was so cool celebrating on 
the same mound where I'd given up the 
Boone home run. We kept the party going 
in the clubhouse. Champagne's flowing, 
guys are yelling, when one of the clubbies 
[clubhouse attendants] taps my shoulder 
and says, “You got a phone call.” It was Joe 
‘Torre, calling from the other clubhouse to 
congratulate me. “You deserve it,” he said. 
“Just make sure you enjoy it.” 

VACCARO: Sox fans stuck around Yankee 
Stadium after the game, chanting, “Thank 
you, Red Sox! Thank you, Red Sox!” 
Steinbrenner told his people to leave the lights 
on for them. He said, “They've earned it.” 
O'BRIEN: І watched the game оп TV and 
then ran into Central Park, weeping, scream- 
ing, jumping up and down. My dog doesn't 
know what's going on, so he starts jumping 
up and down, barking. And there is nobody 
else in the park. I'm thinking, I am in the 
wrong fucking city. Imagine Boston tonight! 
LEE: The Red Sox faced St. Louis in the 


It was only after we won 
that I realized something: 
There was never a curse. 
It wasn’t Babe Ruth. 
It was bad bounces, 
bad choices, bad luck. 


World Series. The Cardinals were the 
National League version of the Yankees, 
Boston's nemesis in 1946 and 1967, the 
supreme National League power. But it 
was our year. Naturally the Sox swept the 
series. Fabulous! All curses off. 

LEARY: It was only after we won that I real- 
ized something: There was never a curse. 
It wasn't Babe Ruth. It was bad bounces, 
jittery infielders, bad choices, bad luck. 
VERDUCCI: I got assigned the story explain- 
ing why the Red Sox меге 8/75 sportsmen 
of the year. I'd spent weeks writing about 
“the Idiots,” Manny Ramirez being Manny, 
the bloody sock, the curse of the Bambino, 
Johnny, Papi and the greatest comeback 
story ever. So I turned to the fans. I found 
the grave of a man named Napoleon A. 
Blouin, whose headstone read 1926-1986, 
DARN THOSE socks. I found fans who filled 
cemeteries on the night they won the World 
Series to share a toast with dead loved 
ones. Only then did I understand that the 
Red Sox weren't about Ted and Pesky and 
Louie and Dewey and Rice and Lynn and 
Manny and Big Papi. They are about the 
people who hold them dear, not just as a 
sports team but as a civic treasure. It was 
always true but never more than in 2004. 


LEARY: I did a commercial spoof where a 
guy with hedge clippers comes to claim my 
left nut. People have thanked me for that 
sacrifice. I'd like to see the Sox display it 
at Fenway—not the real thing, a wrinkled 
grape or something. I would attend the cer- 
emony and have my picture taken next to it. 
VISSER: One night I found myself on a 
red carpet next to Johnny Damon, who'd 
left in 2005 to join the dreaded Yankees. 
I said, "Am I supposed to speak to you?" 
He smiled and said, “Well, I did help bring 
you a World Series.” Sigh. 


Boston swept Colorado in the 2007 World Series, 
then lost in the playoffs the next two years. In 
2011 they swooned down the stretch as pitchers 
Josh Beckett, John Lackey and Jon Lester ate fried 
chicken, guzzled beer and played video games in 
the clubhouse. In 2012 they finished last. 
NOWLIN: The big move the Sox made in 
the disastrous 2012 season was, at first 
blush, a salary dump: a late-August trade 
with the Dodgers, swapping three huge 
contracts—Beckett, Carl Crawford and 
Adrian Gonzalez—plus Nick Punto for, 
essentially, some prospects. Freeing up 
about $250 million while ridding the club- 
house of some perceived misfits was the 
kind of deal most GMs only dream of. Does 
chemistry matter? The Sox repopulated 
“team players” Jonny Gomes, Shane 
Victorino, Jake Peavy and Mike Napoli. 


Then, last spring, the Red Sox and their city 
were staggered by the Boston Marathon bomb- 
ing. Before their next home game David Ortiz 
stood on the field at Fenway and unofficially an- 
nounced the “Boston Strong” era. 
DAVID ORTIZ, Sox designated hitter: |70 the 
crowd and the world] This is our fucking city, 
and nobody's gonna dictate our freedom! 
LEARY: People said the Sox were ugly— 
even Ortiz in his baggy uniform. But I like 
the baggy look. If it's good enough for Big 
Papi, 175 good enough for me, which is a 
philosophy I try to follow in all of life. 
JONNY GOMES, Sox outfielder: I was a jour- 
neyman. I joined them last year and saw 
that core group—Dustin Pedroia, David 
Ortiz, Jon Lester, Clay Buchholz—with 
a chip on their shoulder. Guys like that 
are the rock of the organization, and they 
wanted to bury the last couple of years. 
Once we got going, it happened quickly. 
We went from a team to a brotherhood. 
"That's what the beards were all about. We 
had one rule: Don't shave. Your face gets 
so itchy you hate it, but you want that man 
cred—we were a bunch of salty vets getting 
the team back on track. 
NOWLIN: Last year, for the first time in a 
decade, Fenway wasn't sold out for every 
е. But you know what? I never got that 
old feeling that we were bound to lose. It 
wasn't overconfidence—I mean, I didn't 
turn into a Yankees fan—but it was like a 
cloud had lifted. 
GOMES: Were we conceited? No. Cocky, 
yeah. We're part of something big. I mean, 
you don't hear about Cardinal Nation or 
Yankees Nation, do you? With Red Sox Na- 
tion there's a lot of eyes on you, a lot of ac- 
countability. You gotta respect the uniform. 
O'BRIEN: | watched the playoffs with my 


149 


PLAYBOY 


son, Beckett, who's eight. I used to tell 
people he was named for Josh Beckett till 
Josh misbehaved, so I went back to Samuel 
Beckett, who was never seen drinking 
beer in the clubhouse. Anyway, playoffs— 
Detroit had the Sox down by four runs in 
the eighth inning. Ortiz comes up with the 
bases loaded. Beckett says, "He should hit 
а home run. Then they'll be tied." I said, 
"Beckett, baseball isn't that easy." Papi hits 
a grand slam, and Beckett looks at me like, 
“It's so simple, you fool.” 

LEARY: Last season I wasn't all that emo- 
tionally invested till September. Suddenly 
it's the World Series. 

LEE: Against the Cardinals—who else? 

BEN AFFLECK, actor and director: [On Twit- 
ter] I'm filming #GoneGirl in your neck of 
the woods. Go @RedSox! 


In game four, the Cardinals had a chance to take a 
commanding three-games-to-one lead. Gomes came 
up with two оп and two out in the sixth inning. 
GOMES: Everything’s exposed in the World 
Series. You may not think about the stage 
you're on till later, but you don't want to be 
the guy who loses the series. 


He worked the count to 2-2, then jumped on а 
Seth Maness fastball. 

GOMES: At contact I thought, That one's 
got a chance. A couple of their guys had hit 
balls that looked gone for sure but stayed 
in the park. I was watching Cardinals left 
fielder Matt Holliday, and he’s looking up 
like he's got a bead on the ball, but it comes 
down a little past his glove—and the fence. 


Three nights after Gomes's three-run homer 
helped the Sox even the series, they had a chance 
to clinch at Fenway. 


LEARY: It was my first World Series in the 
ballpark with my son, Jack. He got his Sox 
DNA from me and my dad. We get to Fen- 
way and wind up in the Yastrzemski Suite, 
with pictures of Yaz all over the walls. A 
good sign. 

FRIEDMAN: And of course they win. Papi's 
MVP and all’s right with the world. 
CHRISEVANS, actor: [On ийет] CHAMPS!!! 
AGAIN!!! The last 12 years have been 
an embarrassment of riches as a Boston sports 
fan. Thank you, Boston. #spoiled 
ELIZABETH BANKS, actor: [On Twilter] Con- 
grats BOSTON!! #RedSox #BostonStrong 
#beardsbegone 

TROY AIKMAN, Dallas Cowboys quarter- 
back, 1989-2000: [On Twitter] My Little 
League team in the 70s was Red Sox...grew 
up watching Fisk, Lynn, Yaz, Rice, Tiant... 
congratulations to the Boston Red Sox. 
GEORGE LOPEZ, actor, comedian and TV 
host: [On Twitter] Papi @davidortiz felici- 
dades #Chingon 

ELI ROTH, director: [On Twitter] ALL THE 
WAY TO LANDSDOWNE STREET!!! 
Go @RedSox!!!!! THANK YOU!!! You 
made this Bear Jew very very proud to be 
from Beantown, 

JOHN KRASINSKI, actor: [On Twitter] Aaaaa 
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! #RedSox 
Nation#WorldSeries#BostonStrong!!!!! 
O'BRIEN: Now you look in the dictionary 
under championship, and there's a picture 
of Jonny Gomes. 

GOMES: I did my part, contributed some 
things. There are journeymen who get bit- 
ter and ones who know they're lucky to be 
in this game. I'm the kind that stays grate- 
ful and keeps truckin'. 

O'BRIEN: My only problem with the new, 
winning Sox is their song. Neil Diamond's 


СЕС ТЕТЯНИ 


"Housekeeping, home wrecking...I do it all.” 


“Sweet Caroline,” what's that about? They 
couldn't get the rights to “Afternoon Delight” 
or Donovan's “Mellow Yellow"? But I like the 
beards. These are real, hardcore old-school 
men. They look like they're going whaling. In 
the offseason, they shovel coal. Meanwhile, 
I'm rubbing moisturizer on my hands. 
LEARY: So yeah, we're winners now. My 
dad went to his grave wishing for a Red 
Sox championship, and now, my God, my 
son and I got three! 

You still gotta hate the Yankees. That's 
why you'll never see me wearing a Yankees 
hat on Rescue Me. I have never put one on 
my head and never will. If you see me in a 
Yankees hat, you'll know I'm either dead 
or being held hostage—call the authorities. 


With boyish GM Theo Epstein rebuilding the Chi- 
cago Cubs, his boyish successor, Ben Cherington, 
has the Red Sox on top of the baseball world. 
ROSE: Cherington’s done a great job puz- 
zling that team together with secondary 
guys like Gomes and Shane Victorino. 
O'BRIEN: Other than Papi, they're not super- 
stars. They're guys who want to win, guys 
who'd go through rifle fire, bandage up their 
wounds and take the guy out at second. 
NOWLIN: Cherington was there before 
Epstein. He, Theo and [former GM] Dan 
Duquette all valued the Moneyball approach 
that focuses on on-base percentage. The 
Sox work the count, grind the pitcher down 
until they beat him or get to the bullpen. 
ROSE: But it's hard to see them winning 
again this year. They lost their catcher, Jarrod 
Saltalamacchia. They lost Jacoby Ellsbury, 
one of the best leadoff hitters in the game. 
LYNN: Ellsbury could have taken a few mil- 
lion less to stay in Boston. But he’s a Yan- 
kee now, and the Sox have Jackie Brad- 
ley Jr. in center at Fenway, where Jacoby 
and I used to play. Bradley can play cen- 
ter, but will he hit? As for Ellsbury, he'll do 
okay in New York if he gets off to a good 
start. Johnny Damon had the personality 
to handle New York, but I’m not so sure 
about Jacoby. And it'll sure be interesting 
when he comes back to Boston. 

GOMES: Red Sox Nation would throw rocks 
at me if I said we weren't gonna win again. 
But there's no chance we will do it the same 
way again. Our center fielder is gone; we're 
all a year older. That's what hits you on the 
last day, when some of your teammates 
have to strip their lockers. You can never 
really win again because it’s never the same 
team from year to year. It says RED sox on 
your shirt, but some of the guys are differ- 
ent. So our mind-set’s not "Let's go back- 
to-back.” It's “Let's turn the fuckin’ page." 
One year at a time, one win at a time. 

LEE: And life goes on. These days I make 
maple bats, and they're beauties. Robinson 
Cano uses my bats. I've also got a wine 
called Spaceman Red, and now that laws 
are changing, I may start my own brand of 
marijuana. Spaceman pot! Believe me, it'll 
be out of this world. 

O'BRIEN: We've won so much that it almost 
doesn't matter what happens this year. But 
talk to me again next year. If the Sox don't 
win, I'll be griping about the curse. 


ШЕ; 
m 


rom modeling 
streetwear to 


November 2013 
Gemma Lec Farrell 
and her smile own 
the asphalt. Urban- 
and skate-clothing 
shop Moose Limited 
took the New 
Zealander around 
the block for a 
photo shoot in 


fresh apparel 
from Alife. 
Diamond Supply 


the Bunny 
costume and her 
leather Monster 


energy 
company has 
seen firsthand how 
emma attracts 
attention, sending 
her to action-sports 
events from Е 
to Valencia, Spain 
over the past four 
years. "Monster 
introduced me to 
a whole different 
world, and it has 
been a wild time," 
she “Pm from 
the smallest town 
ever, Pirongia. 
The only action 
sport we had was a 
homemade Slip ’N 
Slide down the gully 


into the river. 


@MissBrittLinn, 
our Miss March 
2014, is a bub- 
bly woman. This 
is the cleanest 
#FriskyFriday 
pic to be posted 
оп our feed this 
year. Soak it in. 


What do Claudia 


Schiffer, Bar Arizona Sun Devil 
Refaeli and Miss Shanice Jordyn visited 
June 2007 Brittany her local Fox affiliate's 


studios, where she 
hung out with the 
Simpsons. Wait, is 
Springfield in the 
Grand Canyon State? 


K Miss April 2013 
Jaslyn Ome and 

Miss August 2008 
Kayla Collins ran into 
each other at a chic 
Jordan Brand event 
at Aria іп Las Vegas. 
Jaslyn also watched 
Miss December 2009 
Crystal Hefner spin 
records down the 
street at the Hard 
Rock Hotel. 


PMOY 2005 
Tiffany Fallon and 
husband Joe Don 
Rooney (of Rascal 
Flatts) are expecting 
their third child. 
“We're so thrilled 
and feel so blessed 
to bring another 
little angel into our 
world,” Rooney said. 


Binger have in 
common? They 
are all now repped 
by One Manage- 
ment. Brittany 
hopes to become 
the next Josie 
Maran, the model 
turned cosmetics 
entrepreneur, “She 
created a brand 
that became an 
empire,” Brittany 
says. "That's what 
I want.” 


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1478), June 2014, volume 61, number 5. Published monthly except for combined January/February and July August issues by Playboy in national and regional editions, Playboy, 0846 

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