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"PLAYBOY 
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FEATURES 


7 


INTERVIEW 


COVER STORY 


INTRODUCING 


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GARDEN OF EARTHLY DELIGHTS 


PLAYBOY FORUM 


CLARENCE 60. MAKERS INTO 

THOMAS'S TAKERS 

THEOCRACY NCAA athletes gener: 
idling PATRICK MRUBY ask» 


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READER 
RESPONSE 
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COLUMN: Q 


WHEN NERDS 


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Why do dorks go power 
crazy? Who better than 
JOEL STEIN o answer 
that question 


"LET ME EAT CAKE 
tell 


114) HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE 


a woman what not 


PLAYBOY 


CONTENTS 


go 


ART & sou. ЩЙ 


88 FIRST MATE 
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radiance does lit | 
124 GARDEN OF 


EARTHLY DELIGHTS 
Polina Put 


16 WORLD OF 
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155 PLAYMATE NEWS 


| сактоо WE: 


us CLASSIC 
CARTOONS OF 40 
CHRISTMAS PAST 2 
Good cheer abounds in s 
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and instagram.com/playboy 


with all things 


209: Charlie Day 


PLAYBILL 
DEAR PLAYBOY 
AFTER HOURS 
ENTERTAINMENT 
RAW DATA 
PLAYBOY 
ADVISOR 

PARTY JOKES 


Playboy at 


PRINTED IN USA. 


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JIMMY JELLINER 
ионы! director 
STEPHEN RANDALL deputy editor 
MAC LEWIS creative director 
JASON BUHRMESTER executive editor 
REBECCA W. BLACK photo director 
HUGH GARVEY articles editor 
JARED EVANS managing editor 
JENNIFER RYAN JONES fashion ond grooming director 


EDITORIAL 
COPY: wir ORMOND copy chief: RADLEY LINCOLN senior copy dior; сат aven серу editor 
RESEARCH: xoma opos. senior тағай afer; sast MICHAL sn mararch editor 
STAPH cu et actas editorial coordinator; CHER BRADLEY executive asian; 
بش‎ 
CARTOONS: stanna wannen auch cartoon editor 
CONTRIBUTING EDITORS: BRANTLEY RARDIN, MARK BOAL. rc BOYLE MORET B мшу акт OBER. MICHAEL FLEMING, NEAL GABLEN KARL TRO синнен. 


22122121 21222222 
WILL SELF DAVID HEP мов MAGNUSON MIT FR меток, и STEUN, MON помним CHRISTER TENNANT DON ен милау WINSTON MAYO IDF 
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JUSTIN тол venior art director; Nome Wat deputy av dir; ммк LUCAN art cordimator; LAU лету designer 


PHOTOGRAPHY 
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AL rac manager, prrprms and imaging; хмэ astu ов venir digital imaging rel; ve an покана а senior prepress imaging specialist 
PRODUCTION 
үз онон production director, wis roman production eris manager 
PUBLIC RELATIONS, 
nana низку vcr present: тіні rones decor 


PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES INTERNATIONAL, INC. 
scort manos chief executive officer 
PLAYBOY PRINT OPERATIONS 
өлме зама. chief operating officer, president, playboy media: 
том rots senior пасе president, business manager, play media 
ADVERTISING AND MARKETING. 

MATT MASTRANGALO senior vice president, cif тиетш ofer; рон rais етин vie resident, puer; sate epo vie president, advertising director; 
sett CONAP coast gal dicor; vss CIVITELLO tcr preset vents and prometioms нишах алс are director dicor advertising 
NEW YORK: мм wenn ури director: монете tA мазут entertainment and beauty director; ром vu marketing director; 
uii paresor senior marketing manager; ахла топ жуа graphic designer asc ur digital sales planner 
CHICAGO: титулу panas umor midis ditor 
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HIGHWAY TO THE DANGER ZONE 
1 greatly enjoyed your article about 
the Rickshaw Run (Aerass India on Three 
Wheels, October). Author Scott Yorko 
does an outstanding job describing the 
thrills and tribulations of running the 
subcontinent іп a death machine. Hav- 
ing done the same trip myself—from 
Shillong to Jaisalmer—I greatly enjoyed 
reminiscing about the scary bits. Night 
driving, as Yorko writes, isa true terror. 
One time while my team was refueling at 
two AM, a truck driver pulled up next to 
us and shouted orders to a nearby boy. 
The boy returned minutes later with a 
liter of beer, which the driver chugged 
in one pull. He paid the boy, returned 
the bottle and pulled out with his head- 
lights off. The heavily potholed road 
had no streetlights and was populated 
by sleeping animals and truck drivers, 
When awake, these drivers frequently 
drove on the wrong side of the road 
with their lights off— though, honestly, 
there really is no “right” side, Our rick 
shaw's sole headlight was powered by a 
dynamo connected to the engine, which 
meant that to make the light work we 
had to be constantly accelerating, head- 
on into the madness, God, it was fun. 
Patrick Marsden 
Los Angeles, California 


А HARMON-IC TRANSITION 
Dan Harmon (Talk, October) is the 
hairy, abrasive man-child that televi: 
sion needs. Listening to his Harmon 
town podcast will make that clear, even 
if you've never seen an episode of his 
show Community. 17% fitting, then, that 
Community ended up online—all the 
good television is on the internet now 
anyway. Really, it’s just another sign that 
traditional media are dying: One of the 
cleverest TV programs ever will never 
be aired “on TV” again—and no one, 
including its creator, gives a shit 
‘Anthony Young 
New Orleans, Louisiana 


BRAINS AND BEAUTY 

After reading "Foul Players” (Talk, Octo- 
ber), I was pleased 10 see Amy Schumer 
included in the article. 'm quite a fan of 
Schumer's and not just for her comedic 
intellect and sharp wit. Schumer is the 
epitome of a blonde goddess. She is, in 
every seme of the word, sexy 

гем Swanson 

Galesburg. Illinois 


THROWING LIGHT 

I'm giving a standing ovation for 
Hilary Winston's "But They're My Dumb 
Things" (Women, October). She hits the 
nail on the head concerning what goes 
through women's minds. Hopefully her 
column will show men that even we 
know it's dumb. Apparently my obses- 
sion with throw pillows is quite normal; 
I'm also glad I'm not the only woman 
who admits my pillow obsession is com- 


Hollywood's Nutritionist 
Honest and provocative, David 
Fincher (Playboy Interview, October) 
has never disappointed with his 
thought provoking movies. He is the 
Captain of captivating, and this inter 
Мен proves 6. Considering the many 
sale "Big Macs“ the im industry has 
produced lately, Fincher's refined pal- 
ate. ingenuity and fearlessness earn. 
him the title of head chef in Holly- 
wood, Although some people say һе 8 
perfectionis who is Огой ю work 
бїс to me these are characteristics of 
a true visionary. Keep doing what you 
are doing, sir. My taste buda are ий! 
tingling lom Gene Gir. 
Jared Smith 
Nixa, Missouri 


Fincher refers to most movies as 
"Big Macs,” meals that are always the 
same no matter where you get them. 
And yet, Fincher always offers his 
movies to the same actors and always 
makes movies of the same genre. Did 
1 miss something? 


Via the internet 


There's a reason this man has my 
utmost respect and admiration as a 
director. He's not afraid of digging a 


Oklahoma City, Oklahoma 


THROWING SHADE 
Төсі Stein typically writes thoughtful 
pieces punctuated with comedy, but his. 
Men column on fraternities in America is 
sloppy at best (Please, Sir, May 1 Have 
a Brother?” October). Instead of using 
his word count to talk about real issues 
(say, by delving further into hazing, alco. 
hol poisoning or, um, rape), he brushes 
over any topic of substance. He comes 
across as someone who has a boner for 
the boys who "do weird things to each 
other's buts.” Stein seems unconcerned 
that frat guys will rule the world, because 
they clearly rule his. 
Laura Beason 
Los Angeles, California. 


PERFIDIA PUZZLER 

1 was baffled by some apparent dis- 
crepancies in James Ellroy's latest fiction 
piece (Perfidia, September). When the 
сор» are investigating the pharmacy 
robbery, the fat pharmacist tells them, 
“The gun had a silencer. It stuck off the 
end of the barrel.” The cops can't find 
a shell casing and deduce that there аге 
1wo options: "The robber picked it up or 


ife deep into our souls to pull out some: 
thing equally grotesque and sublime. Still, 
at the bottom of it, 1 bet he's just a chill 
guy with some stellar (if a bit out-of the 
box) views of the world. Each film I've 
seen of his has made me reconsider my 
perspective on just about everything and 
refocus accordingly. Love it. 

Via the internet 


the gun was a revolver." A silencer won't 

work on a revolver. That's a pretty big 

credibility hole in a detective story. 
Larry Tucker. 
Kansas City, Missouri 


MARTIAL ARTS DIPLOMACY 
What does it say about the м 
modern diplomacy when Steven Sea 
(Steven Seagal’s Fight for Mother Russia, 
September) is legitimately involved in 
one of the world's most troubling con- 
1s? Even more disturbing than the 
been Seagal is the quote from Cali- 
ia Republican representative Dana 


f 
Rohrabacher in which he describes con- 
gressional delegations as polite, pointless 
and drunken. I'm deeply unsettled by 
the idea that our diplomatic envoys’ 
meetings so closely resemble after-work 


at TGI Fridays that they require 
the “star power” of Seagal to inch 
beyond that. It is notions such as this 
that have likely resulted in repeated and 
pointless international crises in which 
the U.S. seems helpless, 
Luc Miknaitis 
Wellington, New Zealand 


Engrossing is the word 1 would use 
to describe Lukas I. Alpert’s take on 
Steven Seagal and, in passing, on 
Gérard Depardieu and Jean-Claude Van 


a 


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Damme. Moscopath (similar to "psycho- 
path") is a word that describes someone. 
of non-Russian ethnicity who develops 
an insane obsession with Holy Mother 
Russia. Moscopaths can be found in 
every field of endeavor, including pol- 
ities, academia and talk radio. As for 
Seagal, it's bad enough that the poor 
soul sees the promotion of Russian 
weapons of death and destruction as 
‘one of his priorities in life. If he truly 
believes Vladimir Putin is "the greatest 
world leader alive today,” then Seagal 
is not just a certifiable moscopath, he's 
just plain nuts. 


Frank Semeniuk 
Brooklyn, New York 


MIAMI HEAT 
The University of Miami wins (Сік of 
the ACC, October)! 1 nominate Hannah 
Marti for МУР Sign her up; we need 
more Marti 
Jeff Samson 
Fargo, North Dakota 


After perusing Girls of the ACC, 1 am 
visually impressed with Miami s super- 
sexy Hannah Marti and the lovely 
all-American appeal of the University of 
Pittsburgh's Alicia Barton. Way to look 


‘great, girls! 
TR. Lazorishak 
Green Mountain Falls, Colorado 


BETTER WITH AGE 
т too many years of not see- 


dled at a college reunion. 1 could: 
be happier. The magazine has alwa 
impressed me and gotten me hot, but 
somehow it has grown smarter and 
sexier over the years. Your appreciation 
of women has broadened and deep- 
ened. Of course you still love sex (who 
doesn’t?), but you have gotten much 
better at expressing that appreciation 
and desire so 1 feel engaged instead of 
objectified. You make me laugh in new 
and unexpected ways. I get the feeling 
you understand me better than you 
ever have before, and you want to know 
what I think and feel and need. There 
is so much we have to talk about: cul- 
ture, cooking, diets, politics, literature 
and the pleasures of the flesh. We've 
been apart too long, r.avnon. I look for- 
ward to seeing you and spending more 
біте with you again—next month. 
Magda Krance 
Chicago, Illinois 


OUR WORK IS DONE 

Well, it was a good run, but think 
you've peaked with September's issue. 
It is perfect: a fantastic Playboy Interview 
with James Spader, a 20Q with Frank 
Miller, the college football preview, a 
ridiculous bloody mary recipe, the jaw- 
droppingly gorgeous Stephanie Branton 


and a dash of Steven Seagal. It was as 
if you made the magazine just for me, 
‘Good luck topping this one. 
Michael Henry 
Houston, Texas 


WE'VE СОТ YOU COVERED 
1 have been a тлувду subscriber on 
and off for the past 20 years, and 1 must 
say l'm disappointed with the placement 
‚of the "hidden" Rabbit Head on recent 
covers, What happened? Years ago 1 
would have to search and search for it. 
Today it’s in plain sight. Come on, guys, 
keep it interesting, 
AJ Baker 
Winston-Salem, North Carolina. 


The October 2014 cover is nice, but. 
I'm still waiting for more retro pictori- 
als. Take us back to the 1950s. They were 
classic, elegant, tasteful, refined. Think 
janet Pilgrim, Margaret Scott, Madeline 
Castle, Gloria Windsor, Ellen Stratton. 
Retro is the answer, 

Bob кею 
Ponte Vedra, Florida 


No such hijnks in the Ivy League. 


UPENN, SERIOUSLY? 
1 went to the University of Pennsylva- 
nia, and 1 can personally attest that when 
not attending lectures, I spent almost all 
my time at the library, including many 
Friday nights (Playboy's Top Party Schools, 
October), And the libraries were mostly 
full too. There's no way UPenn is more 
‚of a party school than 98 percent of the 

‘other schools across the United States 
Via the internet 


1 wouldn't say 1 studied all the time 
when 1 was at the University of Penn- 
sylvania, but there was not much of a 

у culture on campus from Sunday 
{о Wednesday and almost none duri 
finals. To say itis a bigger party scho 
than Arizona, for example, is a joke of 
еріс proportions. Students at schools like 
Arizona party seven days a week. 
Via the internet 


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BECOMING 
| ATTRACTION 


"Sex activates the moral foundation of sanctity 
and gets judged as bad, dirty and wrong." says Emily 
Nagoski, a sex educator at Smith College and author 
‘of The Good in Bed Guide to Female Orgasms. "It. 
seems Apple is conflating something that is sexually 
relevant with something that is sexually pleasurable 
ог arousing. They are not the same thing” Nagoski 
says that Apple's murky methodology is emblematic 
of why few social advances have been achieved at the 
nexus of sex and technology. “Apple is making a moral 
judgment, not an intellectual one,” she says. Hence, 
good intentions—such as Gong's goal of defusing the 
stigma of female pleasure—are ignored. “You need 

to grant people a space to approach sex education.” 
‘explains Nagoski. “Could there be any better medium. 
than technology?” 

Researchers have long demonstrated that sex educa- 
tion in any form can improve one's sex Ше. A study in 
The Journal of Sexual Medicine found that 90 percent 
‘of women who had difficulty reaching orgasm were 
able to do so more easily after receiving instruction 
оп how to properly masturbate, A study in the Annual 
Review of Sex Research concluded that simply reading 


66 


Apple is conflating something that 
is sexually relevant with something 
that is sexually pleasurable or arous- 
ing. They are not the same thing. 


99 


ıa book about orgasms could be more effective than psy- 
chotherapy “Education works,” says Nagoski "and the 
platform through which itis delivered doesn't matter” 
‘Tom Chen, founder of the China-based sex-toy 
maker Linkcube, wants to take digital sex education 
step further with “smart” toys. Consider Skea, a 
Kickstarter-funded vaginal device based on Kegel 
‘exercises, Skea is designed to strengthen a woman's 
pelvic floor by syncing with a smartphone game called. 
Alice in Continent, Базе on the popular game Temple 
‘Run, Women squeeze their pelvic muscles around the 
Skea to make Alice jump, dodge and run. The idea, 
says Chen, is to help women achieve a better sex life 
and improve their well-being. 
sponse to the fame has been posi 


tive and! 


dent his game will meet Apple's guidelines because 
he plans to market it as a medical tool rather than a 
recreational device, 

‘Whether he's right or not, sex-positive developers 
such as Gong and Chen are challenging Silicon Valley's 
‘corporatists to promote sexual health through technol- 
ogy. "Arbitrary rules make it hard for people to innovate 
sex education for social good,” says Gong. “We need that. 
to change and shift technology to support a healthier 
attitude.” Adds Nagoski, “The fact that this conversa- 
tion is happening shows we're moving in the right 
direction. I have a lot of hope *— Shane Michael Singh 


HappyPlayTime 


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day.) dont know. it 


offstage, 


GIVENCHY 


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DREAM WEAVER 


A BROOKLYN ARTIST USES OLD-SCHOOL TECHNOLOGY TC 
CELEBRATE MODERN FEMALE SEXUALITY 


+ Brooklyn-based 
pestry artist Erin 
M. Riley's studio is 
covered in photos of 
half-naked women- 
all in the name of art. 
For her large-scale 
wall textiles, Riley 
finds and re-en 
online selfies—those 


young w 
social media sites 


such as Instagra 
or Tumblr, where 
the more revealing 
the photo, the mo 
likes" it garners, 
But while selfie 
is becoming a 
disparaging term in 
popular culture 
describe a seemingly 


endless narcissism, 
Riley has 
ityf 

in he 


know what itf 
like, being excited to 
take a sexy photo, 
she says. "It is fun, 
but then there's 
always some level 
of disappointment. 

» much of how we 


FROM 
BEER TO 
THERE 


One selfie just 


enough. 
In each of her 
textiles the faces 
{the women are 


made an 


blurred, giving the 
impression that each 
selfie is connected 
to something larger 
Perhaps fittingly 
Riley sometime 


uses her own nude 
photos, 

project a personal 
tone, Alth 


‚ch some 


focused on the erotic 


r pieces. 
the tapestries also 
tella darker tale 
about technology, the 


media's obsession 
with sexting and 
the Judgment young 


being visibly sexu: 


There is something 


how early sexual 
being documented. 
she says. 

Growing up in the 
ly 20008, В 


exual experimen. 
tation firsthand. She 
recalls with affection 
the pre-Facebook era 
xin AOL 
na, publish 


«су: 
өм 


Literotica com and 


fürtingvia instant 
m think self 
ies are just a reflection 
of the times." si 


then sighs, acknowl- 
edging the sinister 
nature of the trend and 
al images - possibly 


some se used in 
her tapestries- are 
leaked online out of 
revenge. However 
Riley hopes her work 
validates this specific 
experience It's 


inine expl 
sexuality rather 
an condemning U 


tional vintage flo 
loom and dyes ай the 
wool by hand i 


studio. Sitting 


to note that producing 


selfies is a methodical 


process al 


»w act of wea 
ing. For each s 


significant amount of 
nt primp 

ing, posing and edit 
ing “I feel affection 
for the women in my 
ys. "1 

feel supportive and 
ring of them. | hope 
they are happy. 1 hope 
they are advocating 


pieces; she 


NOT JUST | 
ANY ОАТ) 
2 


 HORNITOS 


NOT JUST ANY TEQUILA. 


20005 . + 


IBILLION 
CLEAR AND pem 
CLASSIC | 


MACHO 
NACHOS 


А TOP CHEF UPGRADES THE GO-TO 
GAME-DAY DISH..WITH DUCK FAT 


‚lassically trained chefs across 

the country have been recast- 

y ‘ing manly mainstays as 
something fresh and bold, and 
nachos are the newest target. 

We called on chef Eduardo Ruiz from the 

progressive pan-Latin restaurant Corazón. 

Y Miel in Bell, California to show us how 

luck fat and a bit of French tradition play 


ture to swag things out,” says 
“The bar is set so low for nachos that 
¡seems possible. ”— Justin Bolois 


CHARLES MASTERS‏ رو 


Directions 


1. Preheat oven broiler to SOO 
degrees. Place tomatoes, on- 
Jon. jalapenos and garlic on an 
oven-sale tray Сиде olive ой 
over vegetables. Place tray in 
oven for 15 minutes unti veg- 
abies are golden brown 

2. Place guapiio and arbol chii 
peppers m a saucepan and 
Cover with water Place pan 
Over medium-high heat and. 
bring to a simmer for 

10 тими 

з. While vegetables are in 
oven and chilies are cooking 
nse duck Breasts and pal dry 
With a paper towel. Using à 
Sharp knife. score each duck 
breast sion about 10 ti 
creating a erosshaten pattern 
< Warm a cast-iron skillet 
‘over medium-high heat. then 
drizzle a teaspoon of olive 
Sil in it Place duck breasts in 
ski, skn-side down. and 


са for 12 minutes until skin 
golden brown. Flip duck 
breasts and cook for five. 
емімен. Turn off heat and let 
гове rest in skillet 
8.10 make aha. Remove 
cooked vegetables from oven 
‘and plage in a blender with 
hike and remaining water 
Add a labigiboor of sall and. 
blend unti goth. 400 water 
needed 
6, To make duck-fatrotnied 
‘beans Remove duck pasts 
rom skillet and turup heat 
To the residual duch fat in the 
lel add cooked beans and 
bean liquid. Once hot. smash 
beans with a spoon or fork 
Remove from skillet 


Eduarde 
Ruiz's t 
Duck-Breast 8 


Nachos 


will work) | 


1 bag of your favore 
ite tortila chips 

вог shredded 
Manchego cheese 

вов shredded 
Sharp cheddar. 


nishon 


Sliced radishes, 
chopped cilantro, 
halved cherry 


P 
melt (about five 
2252 
ман cla 

“тв мн 
her umd cherry 


tomatoes 


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TIKI 
TIME 


ESCAPISM IN A CERAMIC 
MUG IS HERE TO STAY 


fyou find that whole 
mustachioed old-timey 
know-it-all mixologist 
thing a little too self: 
serious, you're in luck. 
The tiki bar ls back in full 
force. Until recently, the 
dusty vestiges of the post. 
war tiki bar remained in our 
ndparents’ basemen 
But several years ago, 
ern tiki bars opened across. 
the country and sparked a 
revival that combines тор 
quality Ingredients and 
exacting technique, Today, 
bars such as Hale Pole in. 
Portland, Three Dots and a 
Dash in Chicago and Smug: 
Шегі Cove іп San Francisco 
are thriving thanks to tal 
ented bartenders and rum. 
enthusiasts at the helm. 
We asked Martin Cate of 
Smuggler's Cove to share 
his recipe for the expedition 
(pictured), a boozy delight 
that's light on the fruit juice 
and inspired by Don the 
Beachcomber, founder of 
the tiki movement. Men, it's 
time to embrace the finely 
crafted umbrella drink 
again.—Nora O'Donnell 


Photography by 
CHARLES MASTERS 


202. dark rum 
Such as Coruba 
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WITH A LITTLE 
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WHEN 
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GOBAD 


THE MEEK HAVE INHERITED THE EARTH, 
SADLY, THEY RE NOT SO MEEK ANYMORE 


yp 


ople have let me down, 1 
44 that if one of those 


ridiculous 1980s 


the world, we would be kind. 
Suddenly able ú women, 
we would gratefully treat them with re 
spect. All too familiar with being picked 
оп for no reason, once w 
nies we would give minorities the 


portunities they never got from the 
jocks. Attractiveness and wealth would 
е ted under a meritocracy of 


er than the jocks, All th id guys 

moms told their daughters to date 

they were nice? Mom was 

wrong. As soon as we got a little bit of 
power, we showed о 

ish, 


selves to be sex 
materialistic dicks 


book 
collecting brai 
Mark Zu 
hook w: 
d students vote on which female 


Only two per 


are black. Old pe 


founder of Napster 
first president of Е 
$2.5 million for damaging Big Su 


redwood forest dur 


g his $10 
Lord of the Rings-hemed wedding. Steve 


Jobs denied paternity of his daughter 
screwed his partner Steve Wozniak out 
groups 
is Mer 


pped spaces. Mahbod 
oghadam was fired from Rap Genius, 
the site he co-founded, after he wrote 
that the misogynist manifesto of the guy 

on а killing spree in Isla Vis 


Valley с за 


slight. 
Artie Zif 


drawn 
the software billi 
The Simpsons wi 
tried to rape Marge while 
ling, “You can't resist 
ds! 


expene 
had since childhood, of get 


=. which jocks have 


Ч mojo we act li 


lds who de 
want right away. When 
hot girlfriend in our 

у her and have kids like a 


‘open re and "Who's that 
friend of yours with the leather shorts? 

And while jocks at least acquired the 
people skills to say all this smoothly ("If 
you think the experience will add inti 
macy to our relationship, 1 guess I'd be 
open to a threesome”), we nerds have 
spent our whole lives talking to ac 
tion figures still in their boxes. So the 


۲ BY 
JOEL 
STEIN 


UI q 


ought comes out as "Му penis 
ir parts!” There's a reason 
George Clooney got away with sleeping 


around and Beaker from the Muppets 
did not. It's one thing to lie to a woman 
it's a far worse crime to 


trumy brain expl 
are separate things conflated by the 
Judeo-Christian ethical system. 


Jocks thought the hot chicks they dat. 
me level they were, as 

vel 
rd dudes don't w 
ay attractive as they are 
nerds are just like old rich men: They 
want hot club chicks they have nothing 
And they treat them 

they feel superior to 


ave been. 
nt nerd chicks 
Young rich 


п bec 
colleges, maks 


Doctor Who, 
whereas jocks 

‘ound women 
lives and 
what to expect from them, 


Worse 


all their 


nerds 
have be 
games, 
So when 


saying wo nd stuff af 
ter we come on her 


instead of ju: 
like she's supposed to, we a 
annoyed. We nerds believe real wom- 
en wear high heels and underwear to 
have sex, and unlike jocks we're disa 


pointed when they don't, Because un 
Tike jocks, we have sex sober 
tech boom will be over a 
od-looking sales guys, with th 
golf clubs and clothes without hoods, will 
once again control everything. We will 
regret that we didn't use our moment to. 
build a new paradigm in which people 
respect one another for their minds that 
we supposedly revere above all else. But 
it will be too late, And we will again be 
ming angrily, waiting for our chance 
е old people, dump hot chicks and 
drive Ferraris. But at least well write 
good teen comedies again. = 


u over the рам six-plus weeks. But it comes grab the scruff of the beard I'd begged 
try to resist. You watch him to shave off and slam his Б o 

us pile our plates high with stuffing, the salsa and let him drown in it. 1 was 

marshmallow-covered sweet potatoes, furious, furious because he didn't un. 

buttered bread and Jell-O and then cov derstand me at all. He didn't understand 

er уу, even the Jell-O (dont that I'd worked so hard for those six to 


ve tried it). And then — eight weeks so I could fill the fuck up on 


Sd hood 
т уе | pe The ve el 
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ساب‎ The truth B des women lose weigh 
[Aquel M 
po مخ‎ nl HU Ls 
eret Гү Lene le Ау реле Ea 


ITS THE HOLIDAYS, RULE NO. 1: NEVER STAND ors ор. The day af 
BETWEEN YOUR GIRLFRIEND AND DESSERT 


er city. And 
hat we want to 


pounds, it doesn't mean it's bathing. 
suitshopping t ns it's free 


the day afte 
ooray! It's the h get a pumpkin spice latte 
Deck the halls! Joy bucks and make Christ 
And hark! The herald angel... mas cookies. It's confusing, 
food cake! 1 love 

1 look forward to th 


рош 
whole pounds! 1 


co-worker's Chex Reindeer 


HILARY A 
WINSTON 1 Y 


you've just scen 
[^ 


be ou selves. You saw 


And to me 


us have one chip 
about put that Chip Clip 
Halloween candy with the self-righ 
creeps onto the shelves right after of a Victoria's Secret n 
back-to-school st 

ng binders ai 


women, the holidays 


food. They start wit 


not worry about how 
g to calculate the Weight Watchers 
s later. It doesn't matter, We're just 

k to where we were in Octo: 
m, no foul. 


And now it's all gone and you want to say 
something. You do. Really really badly 
Because you think we've 

wagon ме were 


Duds (there are only three in a box, so 


proudly on. And 1 get 


we women can eat a dozen boxes and й. You just want to help. e is a method to our fatness, But 
sill feel okay about ourselves). But we — One time my boyfriend just wanted to worry; it's temporary. It's just for 
сап weather the tiny candy storm know- help. He leaned into me at a Christmas the holiday season. It too shall pass and 
ing the really good holiday stuff is com- party when I was scarfing down some soon enough itll be January and we'll 
ing. So we resist temptation (except on tortilla chips and di months of be trying to drag you on a walk or trick 
the 1 only dieting a Hey, don’t fill up on you into a jog (Let's speed up; 

hui chips. үзе code, which to change”) 

We 1 crack at he really meant you pureed frozen 


1 
the holi 
lady. Let it go and please 


focused. In October and early 
ber we tirelessly count calories, thing about myself i 
points, fat, carbs—pick your poison 1 was capable of 
mathematical-depri 


was "Su llearned some- W 


cream. So for now, enj 


at moment; that days with yo 
rder 1 wanted to just let her eat p 


Ives time 
up when our alarms go off 
We pretend that fruit can be a 
We go to the movies and "treat" our 
selves to a Diet Coke, We "mix it up" at 
dinner by making grilled fish inste 
of grilled chicken. We are incredible 
the embodiment of self-control. 
r life, you start to, 


five ounces of 
(which, sadly, is one serving) and 
e actually Zen about it. We know 
everything is for the g good. 
That's why I'm sure it's a shock to you 


when it n abrupt end 
Thanksgiving! It's a holiday. Is a cel 
ebration. It’s a family tradition. With a 


delicious meal. A carb-filled, 
loric meal. It seems to fly in th 
everythi 


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Stauer 


1 recently broke up with my 
boyfriend of six months. We are 
in our 20s and are both active 
оп social media. H. 
posted pictures of us on Insta 
gram when we were together, 
as did 1. After we broke up, Г 

ticed he had deleted the 


PLAYBOY 
ADVISOR 


that might work for me?—R.H., 
Eagleville, Pennsylvania 
We assume your doctor has rec 

ommended red wine because it con. 
tains a chemical compound called 
resveratrol, which some studies 
have linked to reduced risk of heart 
disease, Nevertheless, other studies 


pictures of us from all his 
accounts—not just Instagram 
but also Facebook and Twitter. 
It pisses me off, but should I be 
upset? I've decided not to dele 

any pictures of him from my 
accounts, because while he may 
no longer be a part of my life, 
he will always be a part of n 

history. But the pain of literally 


have to say about post. 
kup social-n 
Is there even w 
т, Chic 
Your story makes us pine for the 
days when the exorcism of an ex 
was limited to comparatively pri 
vale rituals such as burning old 
love letters and removing framed 
photos from your desk at work 
Being scrubbed from someone's vir 
tual time line is like having your 
existence publicly disavowed, so 
Ws understandable you would feel 
insulted and hurt, Kudos to you 
for keeping evidence of your ex in 
your various online accounts. Such 
‘transparency is sadly lacking in the 
world of personal social media, 
where people tend to edit their lives 
lo present а rosy, idealized picture 
of what's actually going on. We all 
Know people who share only their 
sunniest and beachiest moments, 
posting flattering selfies that show 
only their good side and well 
composed Мон of proc plated 
restaurant dishes. To go back and 
revise what was already an essen: 
tially revisionist record of a life 
seems doubly deceptive and petty, 
Yow're right. Your ex 8 wrong. if 


number of 
arket that 


Jacksonville, Fl 


pouse 


mline resource: 


Tam sick 
æ. 1 


aground. 


and CrossdressersWife-com is a M 


wife that 1 am a he 


ove my wife and 
ld like 


m has an extensive list of 


one wife's side of the experience 


dispute this claim, and «ШІ others 
say tannin is the potentially benefi 
cial compound in wine. Whatever 
the case may be, white wine lacks 
both resveratrol and tannin, which 
is likely the reason your doctor said 
you should drink red. Were big 
fans of moderate drinking as а 
cure for many of life's ills, so well 
lake the gamble that drinking a bit 
of red wine is good. As for what 
suits your palate, you've just going 
to have to continue with the trial. 
and-error approach, White zinfan- 
del is typically fruity and slightly 
sweet; unfortified red wines that fit 
that description are few and far be 
tween, You might want to try lam 
brusco, а slightly sweet Malian red, 
or Australian sparkling shiraz, 
which can be difficult to find and 
isn't cheap. If neither of these suit 
you and is the sweetness you're 
‘after, you could do as the Spanish 
do and make a tinto de verano 
basically а ved wine spritser—by 
‘adding a splash of Sprite or some 
other sweet soda to your vino tinto. 
But then you'd be drinking soda, 
which we all know is bad for you in 
other ways. If you can't find a red 

„e that does the trick, your other 
option is to eat unsweeiened dark 
wo- | chocolate, which contains тетива. 
trol, and drink tea, which contains 
tannins, There's no guarantee this 
will help your heart, but there are 
worse regimens to endure 


ida y started a new job that 
Being in the close регі, ang ires me to wear a white col. 
id struggle for straight wear | lared shirt the majority of the 
lothes. The question of whether to come out (and | time. Normally 1 do 
doesn't have an вазу answer. Luckily there are | wear a tie (only oc 
groups for both cre vers and their | My problem is th 


skin, and the 
collar gets d 
generally se 


side of my shirt 
ty very quickly; I 
а yellowish-brown 
stain after wearing the shirt 


that 


safe and 
АА... New York, New York 
You'll find vigorous debates in internet 
chat rooms about which supplement works 
best, with men measuring loads and listing 
volume and distance to an obsessive degree 
This strikes us as a coldly clinical version of 
‘onanism and lacking in anything approach 
ing sexual pleasure. Unless you're a budding 
porn star whose carver could benefit from a 
consistently impressive amount of ejaculate, 
we're not sure what the point is. But if that's 
your thing, go nuts. Were old-fashioned 
when it comes to increasing ejaculate. Sexual 
fitness is like physical fitness, and a balanced 


effective? 


diet, plenty of fluids, sleep and stress man- 
‘agement do wonders on all fronts. 


М, doctor told me to drink a glass 
red wine every day because my choles- 
terol was a bit high at my last phy 
However, 1 really do not like red wi 
am more of a white zinfandel guy. I have 


at our wine and spir 
are state-controlled in Pennsylvania) for 
suggestions, but 1 have still nç 
а red wine 1 enjoy. 1 am gs 

trated. Would you suggest something 


even for a short time. What is 
the best way to keep my shirts white? 
1 1 shower in the morn 
at night? Do I have them dry-cle 
or just put th wash? 
Should I put something protective. 
the inside of the collar? Is the 
else I can do?—Y.S., Newark, 
You should shower in the mon 
lake care to scrub the back of your neck with 
а washcloth lo remove any dead skin cells and. 
oils, which can darken a stain. Wash your 
shirts regularly, because dry cleaning can 
damage their fabric and shorten their life 
span. Before laundering your shirts, use an 


55 


OxiClean stain-remover stick inside the collar; 
‘that should help keep the stains at bay. 


М, wife and 1 made a pact not to give 
each other presents this Christmas. Our 
decision was made save money 
but also because we don't need any ex- 
tra crap in our lives. We have tried to 
do this before, but both of us end up 
breaking down at the last minute and 
buying the other a gift. Each year I 
scramble madly and usually end up 
buying her some really nice jewelry — 
which she seems happy o recive, She 
claims this year will be different. We're 
seriously broke, and I'm thinking of 
keeping my word and holding her 10 
C., Boise, Idaho 
Mision ibn 
(асан morning. Waw өші ба ius 
in the past and haven't let her 
down, While we're all for doing away with 
ritualized c “ this is 
tel the ecto de ond yur fe E 
not the person to get coldly principled with 
Жм dn’ eod t bro Ші konk: pt ker 
тєв bath soap or a gift certificate to а movie 
theater where you can go together to relive 
the stress of being broke. No matter what she 
says, she sill wants something. 


PLAYBOY 


1 was waiting in line at the supermar- 
ket when the woman in front of me 
dropped a bottle of malbec on the floor, 
иеге and splashed all over my 
suede shoes. How do 1 get wine stains 
out of my favorite chukkas?—B.C., Seal 
Beach, California 
The best wary lo remove а wine майн ts to өсі 
swiftly іп the moments after Ihe crime has been 
‘commited, when the wine is still wet. Pour 
ae idi Wai 
much а ап 
ees 
r= 


й back into the 
Feder rei 
Тынай өттөн etin, nat фий ий, 

anything that Моб й up and lif й ou еді 


work. didn't have access 
vor rly hw ی‎ асы 


but ihe mda wer сап still be used 
after the fact. If the sain is beyond. 
poini of removal and your shoes are old, 


spilling on them until they look 
p" یساس‎ аР 


asked the waiters if it's imported, and 

they brag that it’s made in America. 

‘Wouldn't that make it cheaper?—HS., 
Libertyville, Illinois 

Not necessarily. But before we get to the 

value proposition, let's look at the evolution 

56 of mozzarella in the United States as a paral- 


lel history of our ability to tap into pleasure. 
For decades we were a nation content to eat 
фу, salt, somewhat funky but safe 
fe محر‎ only B e cal RA 

in the conventional. Reli- 
ارس‎ its virtues, й remained 
the missionary position of cheeses. Then came 


lo yours, but your wife's experience backs 
up a lot of research about the connection be- 


actually 
dealsi—H.B., St. Louis, Missouri 
Ht depends on what you're buying and where 


you're a New Yorker and [2 
ward of $12 on a heavily axed pack of ciga- 
rei, жил iay Jind йг fe iet 
an 3717 be able 


to find a largo rcd he of lox іші 
not be any cheaper than a bottle 
осом t's chan do. Dom 


My wife is 67 years old and postmeno- 
ee 
‘more than 35 years and is still able 
to walk, assisted with a walker. However, 
the MS has taken much from her sexu. 
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cation and orgasmic capability. Her big 
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sive course of strength and 
training since January 2012. She hat 
reversed many of her problems in dra- 
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sudden im in her near 
vision and sense of smell, and the strik- 
return of her libido and 1 
у. Her libido had been at a three; 
it moved up the scale to a nine. Now we 
have sex once or twice à day, and she 
=. We can't prove this is 
the result of her ines training. nor can 
we rule it out. Does the Advisor know of 
any instances of libido and orgasm re- 
turning after a long absence caused by 
disease?—D.P, Scottsdale, Arizona 
We haven come across a case identical 


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2 


FORUM В 


Church v. state Athletes on welfare 


CLARENCE 
THOMAS’S 
THEOCRACY 


Is the Supreme Court justice laying the legal groundwork 
to establish official religions in the United States? 


BY MARK JOSEPH STERN 


ın last term's blockbuster First Amend: 
ment case, five Supreme Court justices 
ruled that town councils сап open legis. 
lative sessions with a prayer without vi- 
olating the Constitution, That decision 
in and of itself distorts the Establishment 
Clause of the First Amendment—that 
all-important phrase in the Bill of Rights 
that says "Congress shall make no law re- 
specting an establishment 
of religion." People may 
refer to the U.S. asa Chris- 
tian nation, but because of 
this clause, that cannot be 
codified into federal law 
without firs changing the 
Constitution. However, in 
а linle-noted concurrence, 
‚Justice Clarence Thomas 
hoped to take it even fur- 
ther, writing separately to e 
clause was actually desi 
‘establish their oun religions. 
“Thomas's opinion didn't surprise those 
familiar with his views. No Supreme Court. 
Justice in recent memory has been as ded- 
icated to dismantling the wall of separa- 


Hisr 


that the 
to let states 


radical 


ideashaveedged 


toward the 


mainstream. 


tion between church and state. From his 
earliest years on the Court, Thomas has 
painted—with nearly obsessive fervor. 

a picture of the Constitution that treads 
dangerously close to theocracy, There 
is, to his mind, virtually no limit on the 
amount of religion state governments can 
force into Americans lives. 

As radical as these ideas sound, they've 
edged closer to the Court's 
‘mainstream with each pas 
ing term. Justice Antonin 
Scalia has championed 
Thomas's dream of grant- 
ing states a near-boundless 
ability to encourage and 
impose religion. Even 
Justice Anthony Kennedy, 
‘who supported some sepa 
ration of church and state 
‘carly in his career, has grown increasingly 
pro-religion in the shadow of Thomas's 
Jurisprudence. The notion that every state 
has a constitutional right to endorse reli 
gion was once considered a joke. Today, 
fewer justices are laughing. | 

Thomas’ beliefs about the Establishment 


READER 
RESPONSE 


WHAT PRICE CAPITALISM? 
Curtis White makes a convincing 
сазе for why the world's wealthiest 
have no interest in addressing, 
climate change (“Designated 
). But 
almost everyone who will be 
affected by a changing climate 
neglects it as one of the most 
pressing issues—if not the most 
pressing sue of our time. Aide. 
the farsright attacks on the 
rediit of lence gener 
and climate science speci 
here must be some reason for 


FORUMS 


‘our collective inaction. This is 
‘where psychoanalytic theory may 
help our understanding: In the 
same way that we disavow the 
inevitability of our own death, 
we act as though climate change 
is either not real or not close 
at hand. This is not simply a 

to blame on the wealthy; 
the rest of us must find a way to 
confront climate change as well 


Win 
[ry hab 


Thank you for running White's 
insightful (and scathing) 
commentary. I found it inspiring 


57 


El Forum 


Y 
READER RESPONSE 


and ran right over to my public 
ibrary for a copy of his book The 
Science Delusion. Some people 
snigger when anyone says 
riavnov has brilliant articles, but 
it’s true, This is “entertainment 
for men” at its best 
Jan Cheiuk-Celt 
Portland, Oregon 


Evolution is a scientific fact that 
сарийн biology—only biology 
White hax a misperception: 
Evolution is not meant to be 
¡lied to morals or ethics. А 
ponsible person does not get 


his or her morals or ethics from 
the theory of evolution. 
Kaniksu Darwin 
Charleston, South Carolina. 


Curtis White shows no. 
willingness to discuss the issues; 
he has made up his mind that. 
he and the Democratic Party 
know whar's best for our citizens. 
and ме had better take heed. 
lam in of either party; 
rather, 

1 work for the good of myself 
and my family. 1 neither want 
nor need the government's 
intrusion into my life. The 
capitalism our country was 

built on made us the greatest 
nation in the shortest period 

of time in modern history. Our 
government does not seem 

to remember that. Politicians 
would have us believe we must 
change to move forward. I 
believe we must go back to basics. 
to reignite our enthusiasm to 
govern ourselves, not blindly 
follow political agendas 


Clause arise from his conviction that the 
Constitution must be interpreted preciscly 
how the framers meant it to be read. This 
task isa tricky one, since the framers were 
an opaque and selfcontradietory crowd 
But for nearly a quarter century. Thomas 
has cleaved to this style of so-called "origi 
nalism,” relying on history rather than 
precedent to decide cach case 

Because the Establishment Clause was 
added to the First Amendment with li 
debate, Thomas hasn't found much evi 
dence to support his interpretation. But 
when Thomas can't reach his favored 
result through originalism, he turns to 
federalism—the principle that states must. 
be largely free from federal interference. 
The justice's theory that the Establish 
meni Clause protects states from Con- 
gress (and not people from religion) is 
Justa federalist rewrite of the actual text 

Decades ago, Thomas's federal 
based interpretation of the clause w 
have had no serious takers. But feder- 
Айып has experienced a renaissance in 
recent decades, and Thomas's opinions 
have long served as invitations for con: 
servative advocates to press their case 
From gun rights to health care, many of 
the Courts recent high-profile cases have 
sprung from a lone Thomas concurrence 
planted years prior. The Court's declara 
tion of an individual's right to bear arms, 

instance, grew out of a two- paragraph. 
concurrence Thomas wrote in 1997. 

considerable influ 

the Establishment 
Clause has not found the success some 
of his other theories have. Sull, it's not 
hard to guess how states 
would hawk religion once 
freed of constitutional lim- 
its, because many of them 
have already tried. Public 
schools around the country 
have endeavored ccanelew- 
ly, often with the states en 
couragement, to reinstate 
school prayer ever since 
the Supreme Court struck 
it down in 1962. Each 
time, the Court has pushed 
back, inusting that schools 
can't coerce students into 
participating in religious 
exercises. And each time, 
Thomas has dissented, braying that the 
Constitution smiles upon schools fisting 
faith onto students 

But prayer is downright benign com- 
pared with states efforts to exorcise 
Darwin from the curriculum. In 1968 the 
Supreme Court ruled that public schools 
can't be barred from teaching evol 
tion, and in 1987 the justices weighed 
again to add that scence teachers can't be 
forced to mention creationism every time 
they teach natural selection. Thomas, of 
course, would reverse this ruling. In his 
view, state-funded schools have no con- 


He would 
permit states 
to dole out 
funds directly 
to favored ы 
religious 


organizations. 


He wouldn't stop there, How would 
you like to see the Ten Command 
played in a courtroom? Or a crucifix 
erected in your city hall? Thomas's Es 
tablishment Clause would per 
to dole out funds directly to favored 
1 
worship. States worried about declining 
church attendance could even pay priests 
salaries. North Carolina's 
w attempt to establish 
а state religion, presum- 
ably Ch у, would 
aly a timid first step. 
ard the total entangle 
ment of church and state 
that Thomas envisions 
and endorses. 

Thomas asserts that 
views arise from noth: 
ing more than 
of history; a fair-minded 
reading of the relevant 
record tells a different 
story. The authors of the 
First Amendment, many 
of whom were radical church-state se 
Tationists, never described their han 
work as enabling state-sponsored religio 
And the authors of the 14th Amendment, 
which applies the First Amendment to the 
states, emed keen to prevent states from 
imposing Christianity on their citizens. 

The real history of these amendments 
cuts against Thomas's revisionism. The 
14th Amendment was designed to keep 
Southern states from discriminating 
against newly freed slaves. One of the 
‘South's main modes of oppression was re- 
ligious: Southern states routinely enacted 


this does not include a gay person's right 
to have sex or get married; a woman's 
right to use birth control, let alone get an 
abortion; or a terminally ill person's right 


y that supported slavery and racism. 
қау conservatives who use the Bible 


who dared to 1 die with dignity. And based once again 
«all slavery unchristian were sentenced 10 оп dubious scholarship, Thomas is со 

prison, and sometimes death, for spewing vinced that Americans under the age of 
blasphemy and inciting violence 18 have absolutely no right to free speech, 


Th 


14th Amendn ut of school. (Meas 
would 
the right to d ч 


limited amounts of m 


homas's 


own visio to political campaigns 


of religion, 
free exercise thereof 
hollow prom: 
ise, Records from congres 
sional deb the new 
amendme 

rs unde 


views are 


equal parts s's purist, 


the 


opportunism 


stood it 
to apply a deeply secular 
vision of governance to ev 


suppor 


and bunk. 


оп the Court. 1 


Tho 


state in America. parts opportunism and 
Ivy not only his spu bunk. The justice plays the liberty card 
history, clearly designed to e when it fits his de such as, aay, 


sponsored religion, that infuriates; 
rank hypocrisy is even more galling. 
Thomas consistently couches his vision of 
the Establishment Clause in terms of "lib 
though restr 


s melding church te 一 but sud. 

denly turns stingy when the rights of 
women and minorities come into play. 
An America under Thomas would be a 
игу where the major suppress 


the 


it. This rhetorical sub- 
terfuge is bad, but what's worse is that 
Thomas's support of freedom, so lavishly 
dispensed to religious groups demanding 
state assistance, suddenly dries up when 


rights but by i А 
damentalist vision of religio 
тайну. Its fine to call this 
the € on “principled,” 
ary, dishon- 


and mo- 


so long as 


prin 
nd intolerant. But if you happen to 
ibe to the Cons of 
genuine liberty, 4 1 


the topic switches to personal rights 
Con 

mal "liberty 
guarantees, Ac 


nt mistake Th 
anything but fraud. 8. 


ider Thomas's view of constitu. 
which the 14th Amend: 
ng to The 


Jurisprudence fo 


State by state, the most practiced religions in the U.S. 


FORUM 


Y 
READER RESPONSE 


Individuals need to take 
y for their decisions; 
if people make bad decisions it is 
the role of government to fi 
problems. Failure is a great 
motivator. 


Gene Timberman 
Needmore, Pennsylvania 


blighted the happy 
ntasy that is ravnoy with a. 
pseudoscientific essay written by 
a gentleman with zero scientific 
credentials. White has had the last 
laugh. Now he can go swim with 
the 


Keith A. Lepak 
Dallas, Texas 


GANGSTERS, GANGSTAS 

AND GETTING AHEAD 

In “All Men Are Created 

Unequal” (September), Edward 
۱ points 


the view from inside the 
underworld. I was an enforces 
for the New Orleans underworld 
during what some have called t 
heyday o 
take issue with Tenner's analysis. 
that the all 
comes from some inherently 
American pioneer ideology. The 
gy acclaiming what Tenner 
badass boasting hera 


s 


FORUM 


y 
READER RESPONSE 
was an invention of postwar 


Hollywood. So when Tenner 
implies that this culture played 


а major role in influencing 
„һауе 


“AI Capone, one of the most 
violent and notorious interwar 
+ wanted above all to be 
nown as а dandy" —insinuating. 
that Capone was unconsciously 
inlluenced by American radical 
individualism. On the contrary, 
Capone was one part of a very 
rate collective. His flashy 
antics might have been part of 
his personality, but he wouldn't 
have lasted two minutes in our 
world if he hadn't been part of a 
much larger collective project. 
You can't pin the allure of 
the American gangster on 
а single reason. Here are 
the facts as I see them: 
As long as there 
are opprened 
and desperate 


le, they will 
\dealize those he thumb their 
noses at the oppressor. The 
of America emerged from 
icilian, Irish, Jewish and other 
ır immigrant communities. 
it wasn't i or "violent 
materialism” that created the 
gangster. It was the will to 
survive. That's what gives the 
gangster his allure and why зо 
many "gangsta" rappers like to 
dress like cartoon versions of 


South Side Chicago gangsters 
from the 1920s. The best 
weapon for fighting gangsters 


is creating equal opportunity. 
Put food on people's plates, 
give them clean and safe places 


enny Palepoi never wanted 
to receive food stamps. Col- 
lege football left him with no 
choice, A former University 
‘of Utah defensive tackle and 
married father of two, Palepoi sometimes 
spent more than 60 hours а week practic- 
ing. studying. lifting weights and traveling. 
to away games. His busy schedule forced his 
wife, Delaney, to give up her job—someone 
had to watch the kids. Rent and diaper costs 
ме up the $785 stipend check that came 
every month as part of Palepoi's athletic 
scholarship; despite Utah's 

football im bringing 
in around 190 million in 
annual revenue, National 
Collegiate Athletic Asso- 
cation amateurism rules 


Unpaid 
student 
players turn 


to food stamps 


MAKERS INTO TAKERS 


Keeping college athletes poor is costing you money 


BY PATRICK HRUBY 


the NCAA and its member schools insist 
-for-play is a noble Ameri- 

‘On the other, critics and 
reformers call the megabucks collegiate 
athletic-industrial complex a rights- 
denying sham that cheats athletes while 
enriching their corner-office overseers, 
carrying what Pulitzer Prize-winning 
Ч\й rights historian Taylor Branch calls 
“a whiff of the plantation,” 

As the fight plays out in federal court- 
rooms and on ESPN, one thing is clear: 
Amatcurism itself is a moocher. A form 
of sports welfare, An eco- 
nomic arrangement ай of us 
should care about because 
all of us end up paying for i. 

Drexel University sports 
management professor 
Ellen Staurowsky calculates 
that the average shortfall 
between scholarship value 


from boosters. Definitely no and Pell and the full ost of attending 
salary And so his family had ‘school for major-conference 
achoiceto make. ی‎ college athletes in the 2011- 
accept federal help aimed at 1 2012 school year was $3,285. 
the neediest Americans, bow- enda mest She also found that more 
income mothers and infants. than 80 percent of the same 
Or they could go hungry. athletes fell below the federal 
“A lot of people, when they see college poverty line. The hourly wage of Palepoi 


athletes, they see us on the field and ай the 
glory we get” Palepoi says. “They really 
don't see the struggle we go through day 
to day, trying to find a meal or pay rent and 
bills Ics tough, man. It took a shot at my 
pride to use food stamps. But we had to." 
Pros їнийн brought by former ath 
letes toan attempted unionization bid by 
Northwestern University football players, 
amateurism іп big-time college sports is 
under siege. On one side of the debate, 


would have equated to $3.27 an hour, far 
below the federal definition of poverty. 

So how do players make ends meet? 
‘Often by turning to taxpayers. No school 
or federal agency tracks how many players 
use food stamps, and players themselves 
рт 
subject. However, Palepoi says some of his 
teammates also needed food stamps. 

Pell Grants are a larger source of fed- 
eral subsidy. Court documents from a 


2006 case against the NCAA revealed 
typical year at UCLA, approxi 
ely 60 to 70 percent of football players 
d 30 to 40 percent of men's basketball 
players receive the grants, which a 
awarded to low-income students and ha 
um value of $5,730. During the 
The Des Moines 
football pla 
vols in the Big Ten, Big 12 
d Southeaster veda 
total of $4.7 


about 


included a 
two football pla: 


The thing is, football and. 
men's basketball pl 

the major confere 
poor. They should: 
outs. After all, pop 


have to be 
xpayer Бай 
college sports are. 


annually. ESPN vill spend app 
55.64 b 
broadcast 


n over the next 12 years to 
ye new college football plavotls. 
ortedly made $143 
nent revenue in 201$- 
all 30 NHL 


more than 25 
clubs 

USA Today reports th 
schools pay their athletic directors an aver. 
age of $515,000 a year and that coaches 
salaries rose 44 percent between 2007 and 
2011, surpassing a 28 percent rise in CEO 
pay over the same period. NCAA president 


top football 


College football 
had become 
a business 
supported by 


the public 


cumiom below endure wage suppression, 
with schools forbidden from making com. 
or their talents. The result 

hletic revenue in the 
Merences goes to. 


allege 
by way of scholarships, 
ity of Richn 


tage of 
parts, Stau 
erage major <u 
football play 
about $114,000; a men's 


pen 


basketball player would 
$266,000. 
You know who doesn't 


need food stamps, Pell 
nts, subsidized hous- 


р 

the desperate? People who 

make six figu 
takers. 


es Amateur 


nericans for 


receiving ta 
subsidies worth nearly $8 bil 
Most of that amount, the gr 
from the company paying its employees 
ly that they require food stamps, 


University 
of Wisconsin, which once passed a reso 
tion insisting that its school drop football 
in part because the sport “had become a 
business supported by levies on the pub- 
lic.” The year of its fed-up demand? 190 
The wo 


FORUM 


Y 
READER RESPONSE 


to live, make sure their kids 
are healthy and able to get an 
education, and the age 
of th 


David “Blackie” Giordano-Steece 
Midway, Arkansas 


People earn w 
Earn is the key word. 
There is plenty 
do not ne 

one person i 


ит enough te 
irn more. That's not in 


Dachia Arritola 
Aiken, South Carolina 


CAMPUS SAFETY 
The best way to lower 
crime is obvious: Gc 
Not to Fix the Campus Rape 
Crisis,” October). A college 
campus is a petri dish of alcohol, 
experimentation and freedom, 


qe | 


FORUMS 


EI 


their tricks, And predator 
interested in changing their spots. 
ИТ Gaspar 


Hebron, Connecticut 


Email letters a playboy com. 
Or write 9346 Civic Center Drive, 
Beverly нї, California 90210. 


в 


۸ 
r4 

| 2 

۱3 

Ws 

w pq 


DESIGN MEE 4 
PERFORMANCE. 


р, 
Ww 4 


S 
SS 


usus JOAQUIN PHOENIX 


A candid conversation with the eccentric actor about dealing with fame, 
the truth about his hip-hop spoof and embracing the mystery of it all 


On-screen or off, Joaquin Phoenix im for 
the fainthearted. Known best for film roles 
‘thal showcase his capacity for brooding inten 
sy, idiosyncrasy, physicality, combustiblty and 
raw vulnerability, Phoenix has impressed as a 
megalomaniac Roman emperor in Gladiator 
(carning an Oscar nomination), a country 

alk the Line (another Омат 
nomination), а traumatized World War II vet- 
eram in The Master (yet another no 
анд a heartbroken divorcé who falls in love 


music helion 


with a Siri-like operating system in Her (an 
Oscar nomination that should have been). But 
afler 30-plus years in the acting game, when 
‘e's not busy filming with top directors su 

Ridley Scott, Paul Thomas Anderson or Spike 
Jonze, Phoenix's public image has been known 


% get murky, Or downright mind-boggling, Or 
‘ominous, Or darkly funny 

Im 2005 he entered rehab for alcoholism: 
less than a year later he crashe 
his car and, as it filled with leaking gasoline, 
as saved by director Werner Herzog, who mi 
ruculously happened to be passing ly. In 2008 
Phoenis told the world he was bowing out of 


‘and rolled 


acting to become a hip-hop artist. His weight 
‘ballooned; he sprouted а bushy beard, donned 
sunglasses, dreadlocked his hair and played a 
couple of train-wreck gigs. Actor Casey Affleck, 


á 


You lie to yourself all the time. If you didn't 
lie to yourself, й would be awfully lonely. Sta 
tistical, in ай our affairs, the odds of failure 
are so high that if you didn’t lie to yourself, 
you'd probably just give up. 


Phoenix friend and brother-in-law (тагтай 
since 2006 to Phoenix sister Summer), filmed 

including Phoenix) rompo with hook 
еп and cocaine—for a 2010 movie, Im Still 
Нет, advertised as a documentary. Then, in 
front of 4 million TV 


it al 


viewers (and hundreds 
of thousands more on YouTube), Phoenix ap- 
peared to strike the final match in his career 
self immolatiom with an infa 

pearance on Late Show With David Letterman 
during which he seemed spacey and incoherent 


ous guest ap- 


И turned ош to be a hoax, of course, an elabo- 
rale staged, drawn-out Andy Kaufman meets 
Sacha Baron Cohen-esque performance piece 

Bul something few people get about Joaquin. 
Phoenix is that off screen, he’s nat a moody, ego- 


‘centric, arrogant, volatile tuit. He's a sardonic 


jester, 8 leg puller engineered for fame but 

ме right through it. His par. 
ents, Ануп and John Bottom, raised him that 
way. Searching, nomadic huppari. the bro wet 
as hitchhikers т 1968; by 1974, when Joaquin 
was born in Puerto Rico, they (with River and. 
Rain, Joaquin' older 
gravitated lo the Children of God set, а light 


other and sister) had 
ning rod for controversy. Watching TV and. 
fraternizing with nonbelirvers was discour 


‘aged. When Phoenix's parents fled Children 
4 God in 1977, they bearded a Miami-bound 


à 


1 don't know if Fin lazy, but Im a sprinter. 


Endurance has never been wy thing. 1 like act 
ing because I can focus hard for three, four 
months and then walk away. Í have hardcore 
commitment in the moment 


ship, then relocated to Los Angeles. 7 celebrate 
hat they saw аз а rsen-from-the-ashes rebirth, 
they changed ther lat name to Phoenix 

Arlyn Phoenix got a job as secretary lo 
NBC's head of casting. The Phoenix kids went 
10 work. Billed as "Leaf Phoenix” throughout 
the 1980s, Joaquin scored roles on Murder, 
She Wrote and Hill Street Blues, leading to 
‘attention: getting big-screen stints іп ملس‎ 
‘and Parenthood. By 1989, tired of what he 
called "banana in the tailpipe” roles, he 
stopped making movies, until something much 
better came along six years later in the form of 
To Die For, а smart, wicked, Gus Van Sant 
directed bit of comic nastiness. Phoenix, ۸ 
ing to show off his range in a wider variety 
of material, including big comedies, hept the 
dark stuff coming with such downers as ММ 
(as a character who sells porn films) and Re- 
turn to Paradise (as a flower child awaiting 
execution for drug possession). But thas flicks 
led to Gladiator, а box-office hit and awards 


Accolades, fame and stardom have 

oenix tolerates but prob 
‘ably hates, such as scrutiny and intense public 
curiosity and interviews 


m" 


We sent riavnoy Contributing Editor 
Stephen Rebello, who last interviewed David 
Fincher, to track down Phoenix at a Middle 


T think 1 know what it's like to be an attrac 
tive woman. | think that’s basically what the. 
experience [of fame] is, right? Bul that syco 
Phantic energy is uncomfortable to be around. 
Nobody wants to experience that. 


Eastern restaurant in L.A.'s explosively hip 
East Side, Rebello reports: “I first met Phoenix 
in 2007 when | interviewed him for a пілуһоу 
200, which he smoked and fidgeted a. 
lot but was charming, kind and archly funny. 
That same guy turned up seven years later for 
Mis interview, minus the cigarettes. Arrogant? 
Combative? Uncommunicative? Please. Не 


PLAYBOY 


might rather have been doing something ele 
тки anything be bu Joaquin юм frank, 
‘and endearinghy off center 


PLAYBOY. In three decades as an actor, 
you've received Oscar nominations for 
Gladiator, Walk the Line and The Master 
won a best actor Golden Globe for Walk 
the Line and been nominated for dozens 
of other U.S. and international awards 
You're most identified with isolated, in- 
tense, troubled characters in films by 
some of the most individualistic direc- 
tors, including, most recently, Her by 
Spike Jonze, the upcomi Vice 
P Pull Thomas Andersch and a new 
dramatic film by Woody Allen. Aspects 
of your life and your offscreen behav- 
ior have caused some to think of you as 
eccentric, unfiltered, maybe even un- 
hinged. Can we discuss what's real and 
what's not about that? 
PHOENIX Oh boy. 
PLAYBOY. You announced in 2008 that 
you were giving up acting for a carcer as 
а hip-hop artist and infamously 
оп Late Show With David Letterman, thick- 
ly bearded, twitchy, wearing dark glasses 
thd mumbling in monosyllables. In the 
movie الا‎ Here, Casey Allleck filmed. 
You apparently snorting cocaine, hiring 
а hooker and, during an embarrassingly 
bad hip-hop performance in Miami, 
hurling yourself into the crowd to brawl 
with an audience member. You kept this 
wp for more than a year, later confirming 
what many had already guessed: И was 
а stunt, and the movie was а faux docu- 
‘mentary. You said you did it as a com- 
ment on the disintegration of celebrity 
and because you were "frustrated with 
acting because took it so seriously." 
Even so, it's the kind of stunt that could. 
leave fans, critics, moviemakers and guys 
like David Letterman feeling as though 
they'd been chumped, When Letterman 
you back on the show the next year, 
ipologized and claimed he wasn't in 
on it. But come on—vas he? 
PHOENIX: David Letterman was not in 


guys on television. There's no way that 
guy doesn’t know what's going on in 
some way. That's what I'll say about it 
PLAYBOY. Is it true that Ben Affleck, Casey 
Affleck's brother, as well as Matt Damon 
urged you to come clean sooner because 
they thought the stunt could hurt your 
and Casey's careers? 

64 PHOENIX: Maybe Casey had that conver- 


1 didn't. 1 can see 


} 
É 
H 
H 


want to be taken advantage of. 1 think 
now everyone knows it was never our in- 
tention to attack people. We were clearly 
attacking ourselves. 

PLAYBOY. Did the self-spoofing accom- 
plish what you hoped it would? 
‘PHOENDK: Well, I'm under the impression 
that it was a liberating experience for 
ше. Unlike when you're acting and ev- 
eryone із there to support you and you 
can do take after take, when I did those 
live music shows and the movie, the safe- 
ty net wasn't there. Or maybe the safety 
fet was there, but И was о, worn, full 
of holes and probably going to collapse. 
таван Did it collapse? 

PHOENIX: When you're dealing with a 
thousand people in a club and you're 
doing a fake fight everyone thinks is real 
‘except you and the guy you're fighting 


The spoof was 
aliberating 
experience for 
me. The safety 
net wasn’t 
there. 


with, you don't know what's going to 
happen, and the outcome was very un- 
clear. That was scary and also a great 
experience. 1 said it was done to experi- 
ence а change. 1 don't really know what 
it did. Only time will tell. You try to ana- 
lyze it on your own, or you do interviews 
and get asked questions about it, so you 
try to say something that sounds inter- 
esting and cool. But really, I don't know. 
Maybe it's just human nature to want 10 
find some positive outcome in whatever. 
it is you do. You lie to yourself all the 
time, right? 

Puavso Do you think we all lie to 
ourselves? 

PHOENDK: Yeah. This is actually true and 
proven. If you didn't lie to yourself, it 
‘would be awfully lonely. Statistically, in 
all of us, in all our affairs, the odds of 
failure are so high that if you didn't lie 
to yourself, you'd probably just give up. 
So maybe we're prone to wanting to see 
positive results based on our actions. 
Purto The incident had the press sift- 


ing through old quotes of yours, looking 
for clues or explanations. One quote that 
was offered as evidence several times was 
this: "Му significant other right now is 
myself, which is what happens when 
you suffer from multiple personality 
disorder and self-obsession.” To us that 
sounds like you being flip and funny 
rather than literal. 

PHOENIX: I definitely did not say that, or 
if 1 did, 1 didn't say it seriously. 1 could 
have been in a fucking mood and just 
felt like, “I don’t want to talk to you,” 
but felt pressured into doing something, 
1 didn’t want to do. So it's totally possible 
someone might have been like, “He's an 
asshole,” or whatever. But they're prob- 
ably just doing their jobs. 
PLAYBOY. Do fans approach you more 
cautiously now? 

PHOENIX: 165 no different. I think I know 
what it's like to be an attractive woman, 
1 think that’s basically what the experi- 
ence is, right? 

Paraon How do you mean? 

PHOENIX: It's like when you notice some- 
body walk past you, then stop and turn 
around. I started to realize it's the same 
thing that sometimes happens to atrae 
tive women. They'll be like, "Just come 
up and say, “Hey, how are you?" Talk to 
me." When someone is shuffling back 
and forth, it makes me uneasy. I'm defi 
nitely not interested. But if somebody 
somes up and goes "Hey, how are you? 
My name is so-and-so" great. ГИ rap 
with you. If you're genuine in your curi- 
‘sity about something, that’s great. But 
that sycophantic energy is uncomfort- 
able to be around. Nobody wants to ex- 


perience that 
parson It's got to be uncomfortable for 
the person who's hemming and hawing 
about talki 


ing with you 
PHOENIX: OF course, and I understand 
that as well. A woman came up the other 
day in a store and said, "I'm really sorry, 
but can we take a picture?” I said, "You 
know what? 1 don't do that, but thanks so 
much for coming up. 1 mean, I'm here 
with two of my friends and you're alone 
and came up and said hi, That was really 
brave of you.” Whatever energy she had 
was gone instantly. We chatted a bit. It 
was fun. Then she went and bought her 
fucking tube socks and 1 bought my stu- 
pid ide eweatpants and that was 

PLAYBOY. Your first film after I'm Still 


‘making was 2012's stunning The Master 
Paul Thomas Anderson controversial 
еріс that had a Scientology-like cult as 


its backdrop. lts release revived interest 
in how, in the early 1970s, your parents, 
John and Arlyn Bottom, and your sib- 

River, Rain, Liberty and Summer, 
traveled through Central and South 
America as part of the Children of God 
religious group. The group has become 
highly controversial as ex-members con- 
inue to surface and publicly reveal the 
sexual abuse of young children and a 


highly sexualized environment in which 
husbands and wives are expected to 
share their partners with others. 
PHOENIX: As 1 understand it, you're on 
the outside of that group until you're ac- 
cepted. I don't think we ever got to that 
point, because frankly, as it got closer, I 
think my parents went, “Wait a minute, 
“This is more than a religious community. 
There's something else going on here, 
and this doesn’t seem right." And so they 
left very early on. 
PIAYBOY. How were they introduced 10 
the group? 
PHOENIX: Through friends. 1 think my 
rents had a religious experience and 
It strongly about it. They wanted to 
share that with other people who wanted 
о talk about their experience with reli- 
pion. These friends were Ше, "Oh, we 
lieve in Jesus as well.” 1 think my раг 
ents thought they'd found a community 


people, This is a community,” but | think. 
the moment my parents realized there 
was something more to it, they got out. 


PLAYBOY. Have you ever notes 
with Rose McGowan, who has talked 
shout spending the firu nine years of her 
life with her parents in an Italy-based 
version of the cult? She told the press 
about the sect's female members being 
perceived an existing only to seve their 
men sexually and having to go “flirty 
fishing” in bars to lure new recruits. 
what hs bees exposed bot he group 
what has been ex} i the grouj 
med in the 1990». She was there 
well into the 1980s, I think. It's kind of 
a typical progression of something like 
that, you know? It starts out one way 
and takes some time before it evolves 
into something else. When people bring. 
up Children of God, there's always 
something vaguely accusatory about it 
Its guilt by association. 1 think it was 
really innocent on my parents’ part. 
‘They really believed, but 1 don't think 
os people see k that way, I've always 
thought that was strange and шим. 
ardor With all the traveling you did 
with your family, was it tough to make 
friends and then have to say good-bye? 
PHOENIX: Ycah. We were fun kids, so 
there were plenty of friends. I had some 
pretty solid friends at different times, 
Sure. To be honest, most of my friends 
were my sister's friends and they were 
girls. It was much more fun to hang out 
with girls than boys. 
PLAYBOY When did you figure out that 
girls were as aware of you as you were 
of them? 
PHOENIX: Well, that’s immediate, isn't it? 
1 don't know what age, but it's as soon 
as you all start becoming curious about 
each other. 1 don't recall sex being dis- 
cussed in my family. You become a tcen- 
ager and start having curiosity about it. 
PLAYBOY: Your parents’ disillusionment 


with the group prompted them to cel- 
«гие a rebirth by changing your sur- 
name from Bottom to Phoenix and re- 
locating to southern California. That's 
when your mother got a job at NBC and 

1 You to talent agents, who signed 


o emer o‏ بت 


PHOENIX: Oh yeah. We were always sing- 
ing and playing music, and we were en- 
couraged to express ourselves. When 
you're a kid, acting is an extension of 
playing. You have an imagination, right? 
If that's encouraged and you're in an 
environment where you're given these. 
props and opportunities to express 
er К» aig, 1 алап 

ved it. In fact, 1 was thinking about it 
driving across the San Fernando Valley 
today. We used to live deep in the val- 
ley, and the station wagon would break 
down all the time when we'd go on audi- 
tions. But 1 loved those moments when 
you'd walk into an audition or onto a set 
and have an experience you didn't know 


Cults rarely 
advertise 
themselves 
as such. It's 
usually *This is 
acommunity." 


You were capable of and didn't really 
‘even know where it came from. It was so 
fulfilling to have that experience. 
PLAYBOY. You sound pretty positive, but 
some actors who began their careers as 
Kids harbor resentment or have real hor- 
Tor stories. 

PHOENIX: It's weird that I never had that 
experience, If that stuff had ever come 
up, 1 would just have gone, "Fuck you,” 
and that would have been it. But again, 1 
had a great, supportive family. The most 
important thing was that 1 never felt 1 
was put in a position where I had to en- 
dure something. 

ptavsor: There was a four-year di 
ference in age between you and your 
brother, River, but both of 

OF TV ind move work ght him the 
beginning. Was there much competition 
among your siblings? 

PHOENIX: We were a team, and whoever 
was working, well, that was great. We're 
always supportive of cach other. There 
wasn't competition. We just didn't have 


that competitive streak in us the way we 
were raised. 
PLAYBOY: You were homeschooled and 
were required by the state to be tutored 
while working in movies and on TV 
shows. Were you into it? 
PHOENIX: No. 1 don't know if I'm lazy, 
but I'm a sprinter. Endurance has nev- 
er been my thing. I just want to go to 
the next thing. I like acting because 1 
can focus hard for three, four months 
and then walk away. I hate weekends, 1 
would shoot seven days а week if could; 
two days off is way too much. When I'm 
in it, 1 don't know if I'm lazy, Luckily, 1 
don't think I've gotten that with acting, 
but if 1 had to stick with something for a 
year or two, 1 don't know if could have 
that kind of commitment. 1 have hard- 
core commitment in the moment for a 
certain thing. I can get into it and give it 
my all, but I'm not going to last. 
marson So you didn't give school 
your all? 
PHOENIX: No, and I regret not giving it 
my all. 1 always had the feeling 1 can't 
be stuck here doing this; 1 have other 
things to do. You get old enough and 
realize there was plenty of time to invest 
yourself in things. I've had а few 
blocks of four, five years off when 1 could 
have dedicated myself to a lot of stuff. 
For example, I've just started taking 
trumpet lessons. 1 tried to play trumpet 
when 1 was 15. 1 figured 1 would have 
to study five years before 1 could play 
decently. 1 took a couple of lessons, but 
five years feels like forever when you're 
15, and 1 stopped. I bought a trumy 
about six years ago and took ато) 
class. Same thing happened. And so 
then I was like, Well, now six years have 
fucking gone by, and if I'd only stuck 
wich it... Anyway, 1 took my first trum- 
pet lesson two weeks ago, and I've been 

ің half an hour every day since, 
Í don't know if Fil progress that much 
because I'm easily satisfied. 
PLAYBOY. How do you mean? 
PHOENIX: | was doing the lesson and we 
were both just holding these notes to- 
gether. 1 found it so enjoyable. 1 was like, 
"This is totally satisfying." 1 don't have 
this need to achieve greatness, like, “1 
want more! 1 want more!” 1 was totally 
tated running this wae 

JA you mentioned in your De- 

ember 2007 200 interview in 
you've been a vegan since your third 
birthday. Is it true you refused to wear 
any leather in your costumes for Gladia- 
lor and Walk the Line? 
PHOENKE: I don't know where that came 
from, because in Walk the Line there were 
definitely some vintage boots, and I'm 
sure there was leather in Gladiator too. 
1 don't wear leather in my life, but with 
movies, there are some thi 
with, like И there are budget constraints 
ога particular vintage thing they need. 
For food on set, vegan is pretty common 
now. There are veggie burgers at fucking. 


65 


fast-food restaurants and shit. So I think 
people are prety good with that. 

you're not getting veggie 
burgers at fucking fast-food restaurants, 
do you cook? 
PHOENIX: Just white-trash vegan cook- 
ing. 1 can make a fucking sandwich, sal- 
ad and pasta, but I'm not a proper cook. 
PLAYBOY! As an up-and-coming actor, 
you reportedly lived with Liv Tyler for 
ега years aer coatarring wich her 
in the 1997 movie Inventing the Abbots 
Some sources speculated that you dated 
Anna Paquin, with whom you made the 
2001 movie Buffalo Soldiers. Do you have 
any rules for dating co-stars? 
PHOENIX: It depends, right? 1 mean, 
love is love. 1 don't think your profes- 
sion should affect your actions, but you 
shouldn't do anything that's going to 
distract you from the work. 
piavsov Lately your name has been 
linked with Allie Teilz, a 20-year-old DJ 
Romantic relationships can be tou, 
= does the presence of press and 


mes] bump up the difficulties 
exponentially 


pro Кнын are difficult, so 
adding public awareness is probably not 
ood thing, Ive been fortunate, and 
18) fiends, le me, don't pay عم‎ 
to that stuff. Ifyou let it be a part of your 
world, it affects you. If you want to go 
online or look at yourself in a magazine, 
ЗҮЙ probably fuck with you. Luckily I've 
never had an interest in that. Oftentimes 
now we have the experience of walking 
down Melrose Avenue right by the 
галлі, and they sometimes go, "Hey, 
Joaquin,” or they don't say anything, but 
hey don't take a picture Sure, a couple 
of es in my 203 when 1 was Gating an 
actress or some shit, they were curious. 
Now they mostly take pictures in the 
hopes tbt ГІ get hit by a car or trip or 
somebody will throw something at me. 
pravon Having had such an interest. 
ing nomadic childhood and travel 
much while making movies, 
to stay loose and el wie 
you like putting down roots? 
PHOENIX: When I work I usually travel, 
so when I'm not working 1 tend to want 
to just be at home. I can't recall the last 
ime I took a vacation. When 1 was 20 
1 went with a girlfriend to some island. 
“Vacation” to me is getting to stay at 
home, and I'm fortunate in that 1 work 
for a few months, then take off for a cou- 
ple of months and don't work at all. 
umo уы биндэр been чаара 
lot lately, You play а 
funny private eye in 
Vice, Paul Thomas. 


PLAYBOY 


el 
Anderson's screen ver- 


sion of the Thomas Pynchon novel. The 
movie is a kind of late-1960s Raymond 
Chandler-style film noir, except full of 


stoners, beach bunnies and eccentrics. 
also baflling trippy and stylized. 
PHOENIX: It’s an experience, right? 10 
amazing you said that, because 1 think 

66 thats what you have to do. It just lulls 


you into this. = 1 wasn't aware 
of it until after the fact. when the movie 
was finished. I was walking around in ev- 
eryday life, thinking, Wow, I was in this 
other place for so long; 1 have been tak- 
en away on this journey and this expe- 
rience. As a director, Paul doesn't throw 
you right into it. He guides you so subtly 
Жата Sock е paling pone just 
been brought into this other world, this 
other time. 

marson One of your co-stars, Josh 
Brolin, meant it as a compliment when 
he called making the movie “absolute 
fucking chaos every day” that the vibe 
was “crazy and nuts and created insecu- 
тиу.” Was it that way for you? 

тновм. Well, Josh is the best. The best. 
Yeah, working with Paul is such an im- 
mersive experience. Everybody on set 
is so committed to that experience. 
t doesn't feel like making a movie in 
some ways. Sometimes 1 don't even 
fully understand how he does what he 
does—how he gets you in this feeling 


Relationships 
are difficult, so 
adding public 
awareness is 
probably not a 
good thing. 


like you're watching a movie rather than 
being in one. Some days you're driving 
home and you go. "Wow, wait 一 [know 
же were on that set, but what were we 
shooting today?” It was dreamy. 
PLAYBOY. Inherent Vice took so many years 
to launch that Robert Downey Jr., who 
was ly mentioned as most likely 
to} hippie detective, recently said 
Anderson had to break the news tà him 
that he'd grown "too old” to star in it. 
PHOENIX: When I get cast, I always think 
гэ because their first choice wasn't avail- 
able. Of coune, who's going vo admit 
that to you? But 1 don't have any prob- 
lem with that. For me it's like, just get in 
where you can. I remember 1 told Paul, 
“Listen, man, 1 don't want you to feel 
7 When we were filming 


[Laughs] 
tually said that. 1 want the filmmakers 1 


admire, the 1 work with, to make 
the best movie . If that includes 
me, great. If it understand. 


PLAYBOY: Who hasn't called who you 
wish would? 
PHOENIX: ГЇЇ always want to work for 
David Lynch. 
PLAYBOY. Your first time worki 
Anderson vas fr The Mane in which 
you play a lost, almost animalistic World 
War II vet who comes under the sway 
of a charismatic type lead- 
er played by Philip Seymour Hoffman. 
Both of you got Oscar nominations. Af- 
ter working so closely with him, how did 
his tragic death affect you? 
PHOENIX: I don't want to discuss this. 
PLAYBOY. But having suffered such а 
high-profile loss as Philip Seymour 
Hoffman—not to mention your brother, 
River Phoenix, in 1993 at the age of 23— 
do you have a philosophy about what 
happens after death? 
PHOENIX: I don't have a due, man, 
1 mean, Јени fuck If you юй me Pm а 
fucking video game that some aliens are 
playing somewhere, vel, that vem totally 
| on Hey, you and 1 might be 
some kind of simulation from someone 
200 years in the future. 1 don't fucking 
know. 1 mean, anybody's theory seems 
plausible. So 1 say, let go, man. Just let go. 
Puarsow How did starring in Woody Al- 
Jen's new movie work out for you? 
PHOENIX: He's not at all like what you 
think or like the characters he plays. He's 
very assertive and strong, knows what 
he wants. I liked working with him very 
much. His writing is so good, and he un- 
derstands the rhythm of a scene so well, 
to experience. You think of 
a scene and it seems all right, and then 
he'll make a cow ‘adjustments, 
and it’s like unclogging an artery. 
PLAYBOY Had you ever come close to 
working together before? 
PHOENIX: My mom reminded me that 
T auditioned for him when 1 was 20 or 
something. I don't even know for what 
Listen, he's the first filmmaker 1 was 
aware of. 1 remember seeing Love and 
‘Death when 1 was a kid. 1 always wanted 
to work with him, but 1 didn't think it was 
going to happen. So I was very pleased. 
PLAYBOY. When you were in your late 
teens, you took four years off from 
movies because you were disenchanted 
with the roles available to you. You did 
it again in 2008 and didn't turn up in 
а movie for another four years, citing a 
lack of inspiration, among other reasons. 
Would you do that again? 
PHOENIX: Believe me, it's hard not to be 
тү and excited when you work 
le like Paul Thomas Anderson, 
Spike Jonze or Woody Allen. I'm very 
‘open to giving myself to the process now 
and not trying to control it. think may- 
be I did that when I was younger. I had 
specific ideas about how I wanted to play 


тері quite rigid in a way 
1 used to try prob 


Hi 


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INTRODUCING 


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MICHAEL HAUSFELD IS NO CORPORATE STOOGE. 


GERMANY, EXXON AND THE NFL. 


AND HE KEEPS WINNING 


THE 
TOUGHEST 
LAWYER IN 
AMERICA 
ISON 
YOUR SIDE 


By Neal Gabler 


n a cavernous conference room in the Treasury 
Building, Michael Hausfeld, arguably the most 
powerful lawyer in America, is sitting at a long. 
wooden table facing half a dozen government 
officials, their eyes riveted on him. Hausfeld is 
there to discuss a ‘massive case хой 
ing bank fraud that came to him, as many of his 
cases do, through an e-mail from whistle-blowers 
he is now representing. 
Hausfeld is small and his speech is 
measured, but there is no question he 
exudes authority. When he says of the 
transgressing bank, “You've got an evil 
institution,” he says it evenly but chillingly, like the aging 
gangster Hyman Roth in The Godfather: Part 11. Watching 
im, you realize you wouldn't want to be that bank. And you 
realize Hausfeld will soon be gaining another enemy. 

At the age of 68, Hausfeld is the preeminent plaintiffs’ 
antitrust attorney in the country—the man who sues giant 
corporations on behalf of wronged consumers and smaller 
companies harmed by monopolistic business practices—and 


he has acquired a lot of enemies as a result, enough of them 
that his wife, Marilyn, quips, "I used to say that if our house 
got bombed, there were so many who were after him, 
they wouldn't know who to blame.” Of course, there are the 
fient corporations be sues and those who male a ving de 
in They have called Hausfeld a "glorified ambu- 

” And he 


lance chaser” and a “corporate shakedown 
may have even more enemies from the plainti 
‘of whom have accused him of getting 
involved in too many of their cases 
and forcing them to split their fees. 
Не even had an enemy in a former 
partner who sued him for wrongful 
termination and began his pleading, "This is a case about a 
bully." meaning, of course, (An arbitrator denied 
the merits ofthe case and ordered the man to apologize pub 
Бау) Perhaps worst of all, he made enemies jority of 
the partners at the old firm he'd founded and at which he'd 
worked for 37 years before they left a note on his chair one 
November day in 2008 telling him he was fired. 

The enmity hasn't slowed him. Hausfeld has been 


"Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, right down Santa Claus Lane...!" 


Photography by GREG MANIS 


ON THIS BROOKLYN 
ROOFTOP THE 
ARTIST—MULTI- 
TALENTED ACTOR 
AND DESIGNER 
LINDSAY JONES— 
BECOMES THE 
MUSE 


11-14 
за 4 / 
P Za 
» — N 3 
NN 


2 ma x a ` 


E: 
=’ 
= 
= 
= 
= 
е! 
с.- 
| >= 
= 


The guard at the gate put his left h: 
up to stop my car. His right hand wa: 
on his hip. “What's the nat 
of your business?” he asked. 
I'm going to McDonald's," I said. 
No problem." He waved me through. 
1 dr gh the Ма 
Aeronautics and Space Administrati 
Ames Research Center, northwest of 


the pisto 


е slowly 


San Jose, California, past a vast com- 
plex of 1930s Spanish 
b 


Mission-style 


Idings. There was a big 


with tents 
ing about. 1 
tents and saw 


d hundreds of р 
»pped, looked insi 


were explaining their areas of expertise 
to older men. 


Development of Low 
Frequency Shield Device for А 
ation of Life Process in Space Flight 
Vintage Protein Modified Carbon 
Nanotube Electrodes for Biosensors 
Application." “Alegin Gene Expression 
in Clinostat Simulated Micro 


iy" 1 
.d spaceship hangar 
» F-18 fighter plane 
а U-2 high-altitude plane and an aban- 
doned nuclear intercontinental ballistic 
missile with a collapsible hose dangling 


passed an abando 


m its belly like an umbilical cord. 
ıd the ICBM was the McDonald's, 


and the drive-through order window, 


1 said to the 
unter, "Make mine a 
a Coke." He 


parked and went inside 
guy behind the 
Big Mac, with fries 


me a wise-guy smile and said, “Right 
like we never heard that before 
The service counter had no cash reg. 


ister, the food warmer no burgers, the 


deep fryer no fries, the fry griddle no 
ing grease, the milk shake ma. 
chine no cups. This McDon: 


d's looked 
if it hadn't served a Happy Meal in 
ad 


ars—seven years to be exact. It 


been re red i 


like metal high school lockers the size 
of a man. Hundreds of film drums that 
looked as if they were from old black. 
and-white sci-fi movies were stacked 
the floor. Everything was old, 
in a state of disrepair 
being taken apart, their guts hanging 
out, decayed wires dangling, duct tape 
holding them together. In the window 
was a big flag, the skull-and-crombones 
pirate flag. There was a sign: wcwoov's. 
Two men in their 50s sat transfixed 
at their computer screens in the dining 
area. A tall lanky man with a silver beard. 
stared at his Skype image while being 
interviewed. A small birdlike man with 
glasses stared at endless lines of num- 
bers. Finally the tall man came over to 
sked him, "What's with the pirate 
He said, “It’s our symbol. We put 
smart people in a room to work on un- 
authorized projects in plain sight." 
Dennis Wingo and his smaller co- 
hort, Keith Cowing, run Skycorp In. 
corporated, a small group of civilian 
aerospace scientists who play with the 


ISEE-3 HAD BEEN 
ORBITING THE SUN 
FOR 36 YEARS, 
SILENT AND IGNORED 
FOR THE LAST 17 

OF THOSE YEARS 
UNTIL SKYCORP 
CONTACTED IT FROM 
EARTH AND BEGAN 
“TALKING” TO ۰ 


space stuff NASA has 
call themselves 


adoned. They 


carded by NASA. Skye 
data from satellites that 


the International Su 
satellite, better known 
NASA had abandoned in 1997. It had 
been orbiting the sun for 36 years, зі 
lent and ignored for the last 17 of those 
years until Skycorp contacted it from 
Earth in May 2014 and began 
ing” to it, What it told them 
alive. I'm functioning. Doesn't 
want me?" Skycorp replied, “ 
love you." And in four days, if 
according to plan, Skycorp hoped t 
ах ISEÉ-3 into ret 
prodigal son—fi 
eventually to Earth itself, Appar 
cently this was a big deal for Skycorp and 
for ISEE-3, because the group planned 
to have a big party at McMoon's for the 
scientists who had been instrumental in 
18ЕЕ-35 launch, inclu 
Farquhar. At 82, he's the Muddy Waters 
of NASA, the rock star who, in 1978, 
gave birth to ISEE-3, 

“NASA said it was impossible to bring 
it back,” said Wingo. "It would cost 
$6 million. We told them we could do 
it for $150,000. So we raised the mon 
ey from private investors, and NASA 
turned ISEE-3 over to us.” That was 
unprecedented. It was the first time any 
governmental space agency in the world 
had turned over one of it» satelites be 
yond Earth's orbit to a c ew 

Cowing joined us while Wingo was 
talking. “By going back to the future 
we discover missed data,” Wingo said. 
“In the 1960s NASA didn't have the 
technology to get all the data, but we 


a 


Cowing spoke up. "NASA told us the 
tapes would turn to dust. "We don't 
ced ‘em,’ they said. "All these g 
d now. Who cares? Go away. No 
do this; we threw away all the 


Marco Collel 
with а h 


ng, is the 
hipster genius, Ken Zin, the 
the crew, was in his office 


tape drives, all the documents. So we Wingo led me to two big walk-in food 
found them on eBay, at les, in freezers in the back of McMoon’s. The 
NASA Dumpsters." He s an door to one of the freezers was closed 


snarling boxer. “Ken's 
d Wingo, “I guess Ken's 
busy. Don't want to disturb him.” Zin is 
69, the resident curmudgeon, Wingo 
said Zin doesn't invent things, “but his 


ind guarded by 


old Boeing space pamphlet, yellowed, 


rescue dog," s 


stained, its pages nibbled by rats. "We 
restored the drives until our images 
n NASA's.” He pointed 

to three photos from the moon's surface 
from the 1960s. NASA's original photo 
dark blur. NASA's restored photo 
minimally clearer. Skycorp's mod 


skill is to detect flaws in things 


pair them. He knows nothing about 


anything else 
Late in the after 


n 1 checked in to 


Building 19, where 1 would be sleeping. 
he desk gave me a key 
ched to а metal disc with my room 
on it, like a dog's rabies tag. I 

w, musty hal 


rock and pebble 
Cowing led me u ld tape drive 
as tall as he was. He held up his iPhone 
and said, "This has more capability than 
that." The old tape drive's innards we 
exposed. Cowing said, "See that blue thing we do is to look back in history ما‎ my room. It looked a 
see how our past shaped our present to touched in 80 years. There was an old 
or with a 17: 


at RadioShack. 


capacitor? We bou 
We attract old мий, then fix it. Every- went down the nar 


it hadn't been 


show us where to go in the future. Most white refriger 
th 


THEY ARE TRUE ma 
BELIEVERS WHO “owing went back to his c 
WORSHIP DATA Cops yours mall Cameron Woodman, your foo to open the Th kever wes 


LIKE AN ANCIENT 39, the wise guy a the counter, is as broken. The bathroom was ancient, The 
GOD, EVEN IF THAT towels were stiff and threadbare and 


picture w 
рай didn’t work. He 


We study the p 


tle bar of soap seemed to be 


DATA HAS NO ыы a, 
SIGNIFICANCE IN THE den гайх” she mid. Ч with the слийн reddened 
= MODERN WORLD. — nn SE LET 


“I don't feel fully dressed without my high heels." 


Meet Ghetto 
Gastro, a 
three-man 
culinary. 
team from 
the Bronx 
who just 

might be the 
cooleM met. 

стей іт food 


hetto Gastro is ready to cook. It's an 
early autumn n in New York 
City. and a batch of orgeat almond 
syrup simmers on the stove 
sweet smell of chai perfumes the air. 
The Ч freshly smoked c 
bis жай» in from the p 
funky b 
vely culinary 
We're in the Hash House, the nick. 
name of the Long Island City ap 
ment that serves as makeshift head 
group of guys who are 


io, adding a 
ther it ай smells 


adding a solid dose 
The three 

of fur herwise spartan apar 

chafing dishes, hotel pans and other cat 


n a leather couch, the sole p 


iture in an ment filled with 


ng There's 


Jon Gray, self-described chief dishwasher т Fashion 
Institute of Technology student and erstwh 
trepreneur. There's Lester Walker 
generously tattooed. He calls himself 
an understa 


le apparel en- 
thickly muscled and 


the cooker,” which is 


nent for a guy who has worked as sous-chef 
k and 


at Michelin-starred restaurants Eleven Madison P. 
Jean-Georges. Rounding out GG. 
Malcolm Livingston 11, baby-faced, soft-spo 
chef at modernist cuisine temple WD-50 and winner of mul 
tiple honors in the industry. Today is Ghe o's day off 
Five pounds of vacuum-packed flat iron steak is in the fridge 
waiting to be cooked, and tonight they're throwing a party 
Typically whenever we have leftover meat or produce 
from an event, we don't waste it," says Gray. “We Robin Hood 
it, invite friends over and cook it up." Gray texts friends and 
gets the word out on Instagram. Walker lays out the rough 
plan: "We're going to go to the Union Squ чэ market 
for produce, hit Pino's in the Village for some meat, then the 


as they сай th 


Lobster Place for some ill crab. But mostly we're just going to 
with the flow. 

To the 

Ghetto € 

pop-up events f 


dequate language of marketing, you could describe 


ancy that produces culinary 
ks more like a ra 
than a group 
nts of modern cuisine and brand 
dressed in black, wearing match: 
ing T-shirts printed with their logo in 0 
block letters as the parental-advisory stamp. 
In its year and a half of existence, Ghetto Ga 
busy. The crew has desi 
berland boot r 


Crew— which it's sometimes n 
guys schooled in the fi 


тре 


4 and executed 
nal dinner for 
th by Southwest and flown to Ca 
in the South of France,” a Microsoft 
ner. In a villa in the hills above the Riviera, they 
kers over wires, repurposed 40-ounce malt-liquor 
s and served a multicourse menu that 

ured loup de mer cured in that bodega staple, Lipton iced 


We create full experiences for you to immerse yourself 
in, sort of like theater y describes their missio 
When you come into our world, we want you to eat this food 


and remember this shit for the rest of your life 


its listing objectives and steps cov 

use and outlines the master plan: an 

sd web series called The Food Gangs of New York; a new 

nd culinary-education center in the Bronx; an 

called 36 Brix, inspired by the technical term 
nd the Маа 

bitious set of objectives for the next 


for the Clan album 


36 Chambers. 


year, but mor 
marks it's these 
It would be easy to say Gheu 


few people think if anyor hit these 


ds out bec 


liest elevations of 
ч doesn't hide the 


a rare thing in the mo 
the food world—an аЬ 


privile 
k operation th 


в 


ghetto in its cooking. But the chefs also have the skills, the 
charm and that elusive and ineffable cool factor that diners 
and brands salivate for as much as they do GG's Kaffir lime 
churros. Or as one new fan tweeted after meeting them, “Still 
not sure exacily what they do, but they re cool as fuck." 

When Joe McCann, former chief technology officer of the 
influential global advertising agency Mother, heard about 
Ghetto Gastro he instantly saw the possibilities it could bring 
to the South of France Microsoft event. "They taught the at- 
tendees how to play Cee-lo, a dice game in the hoods 
of New York,” McCann says. on also introduced the party to 
an original uptown drink, the nutcracker, that had the crowd 
properly tipsy by the end of the night. All this took place in a 
mansion so grandiose that Scarface would be j “McCann 
says Ghetto Gastro is "providing popular culture with some- 
thing it has been deprived of for so long—originality.” Mat- 
thew Orlando, the chef-owner of Amass in (latest 
stop on the global culinary world tour), worked with Living- 
ston at Thomas Keller's Per Se. He acknowledges GG's raw 
talent and sheer originality. No stranger to the fickle trends of 
food, he says, "To me being different is the way forward.” And 
he points out a crucial part of the crew's backstory: “Besides 
being supercool guys, they know where they 
come from, and they celebrate that." 

Where they come from and what they cele- 

brate isthe Bronx, That's where Gray was kicked 
‘out of Catholic and then public school before 
getting a GED, He was busted for drug poses- 
sion, then enrolled in classes at FIT and worked 
internships as part of a deal to have the charges 
dropped, The plan worked, and two years lat- 
er he was a partner in two fashion lines selling 
at high-end department stores and streetwear 
shops: But hb enthusiasm for fashion quickly 
cooled, "1 wouldn't buy a Lanvin sweater and 
think 1 really needed it,” Gray says. “But I would 
go to Eleven Madison Park and cash out without 
even thinking about it. 1 asked myself, How can 
1 travel and eat and make that my life's work? 
“That's how Ghetto Gastro was born." He hooked 
up with Lester Walker, an old friend from the 
Bronx who was the first person in his family to 
о to college, as a culinary student at Johnson & 
Wales University. Malcolm Livingston 11 played 
in the same baskethall league as Gray. 

‘The food they grew up eating in the Bronx 
informs their cooking, which can inco 
Caribbean spices, French techniques and Olde 
English malt liquor in a single menu. "We celebrate the cul- 
tures we grew up with: Ghanaían, Trinidadian, Chinese, 
Vietnamese, Jamaican, Puerto Rican,” says Gray. “We try 
to fuck heads up and take food that’s not approachable and 
make it more democratic." When they served KFC-inspired 
snack boxes at an event, guests found delicate biscuits and 
foie gras torchon inside. Walker adds, “It’s a combination 
of high ingredients and low interpretations.” If artisanal 
And Jorn bl are the cchphraen and ambitions of the 

world, for GG turnt and sioe are the goals. Turnt, as in 
“turned up” or “off the hook," is how Livingston describes 
their food events. “Just pure controlled anarchy.” Gray says 
a crucial ingredient is steez—style with ease. 

While Livingston has cooked in some of the best restau- 
rants in New York City, he sees a market for diners who 
appreciate food and experiences but don't want them re- 
لوب‎ to the confines ofa sit-down meal. A Ghetto. 
Gastro event is ideally a cultural equalizer. "I don't like to 
dress up, and I feel like when you go to а nice restaurant 
you have to," he says. "But at Ghetto Gastro events you can 
‚Just come as you are. The food is going to be on a high level, 
but you can stil have fun and think, I'm around people who 
look like me and dress like me." 

110 years ago chefs were the new rock stars, today they're 


the new rap stars, with Roy Choi, the Korean taco truck 
mogul turned restaurateur, and New York's Eddie Huang, 
Baohaus chef and sitcom inspiration, referencing Wu-Tang 
as much as Alice Waters. But that doesn’t mean GG leaves the 
"farm to table" of it all behind. In Manhattan, at the Union 
Square farmers market, GG slows down and shops for the 
party. The men pick out carrots still caked with mud, bright 
rainbow chard and dusky black kale. They sample heirloom 
tomatoes, pondering the comparative virtues of Black Vel- 
vets and Brandywines. Gray points out that access to fresh 
produce is sadly limited in a city where the outer boroughs 
remain food deserts. "Most of the food in New York comes 
through the Bronx,” says Gray. "While rainbow radishes are 
going straight to Eleven Madison Park, it's still hard to get a 
fresh apple in the bodega.” At Pino's, an old-school Italian 
meat shop in the West Village, we pick up 30 of duck. 
cia wings and ұсы biel AP wee көлің ou 
‘one of the counter guys asks, "Are those guys rappers?” 
“The guys чу this в a common flash awumption. In Europe, 
says Walker, most people immediately assume they're rappers 
or ballplayers. "Within the first $0 seconds that stereotype is 
thrown out the door; says Orlando. "These guys are real, and 
if you don't see that when you talk with them, 
then you don’t deserve to hang with them.” 
‘Back at the Hash House, the crew is joined by 
WD-50 line cooks, and Jan Warren, a bartend- 
er friend, makes a batch of Bronx-influenced 
mixology. "This was inspired by a drink Ellie, 
a roughneck Puerto Rican kid 1 went to high 
school with, used to make,” says Warren. “He'd 
Take a 40, drink about a fifth of it, pour in a 
small can of Coco López coconut cream, put 
the cap back on and gently mix it together. In a 
teenage brain, the explosion of sugar and high 
alcohol content was the best semi-legal high 
you could get." 
Everyone hunkers down, and the unmistak- 
able near silent intensity of pro kitchen май at 
‘work settles on the room. Helping them prep is 
Pierre Serrao, a personal trainer and chef who 
has cooked in restaurants and as a private chef 
for Jay 7. "In the food game this is the crew 1 
look to for inspiration,” says Serrao. "So man 
guys take the same road, 1 love how they re all 
about word of mouth and collaboration." His 
reaction to Ghetto Gastro's collective approach 
to work is a common one. You don't want to be 
them so much as join them. And then the quiet 
of the kitchen is shattered as Livingston boots up the Sonos 
‘and Wiz Khalifa thunders from the speakers: "We dem boyz, 
hol up, hol up, hol up, we makin noise 
‘Come nightfall, two cheap Chinese paper lanterns illumi- 
nate the patio, sous vide chicken wings are finished on the 
grill, and duck-fa-fried potato salad and melon, kale and 
quinoa salads are put out. Models, entrepreneurs and the 
collected friends and family of GG arrive. The malt-liquor- 
infused cocktails start to flow, and the apartment is trans- 
formed int a classic New York house party. Walker, loose 
and relaxed after a day of cooking, looks over the patio at 
dancing and eating, the Empire State Building glow- 
ing across the river, and rhymes, "There's no shortage, 
Ghetto Gastro ing from Denmark to Shoreditch, 
‘And the timing couldn't be better. With Vice producing a 
series with rapper Action Bronson visiting Michelin-starred 
New York restaurants, and the network sitcom Fresh Off the 
Boat centering on a hip-h "Taiwanese American 
wannabe chef, the mash-up of hip-hop and food is trending 
big. Orlando from Amass has high hopes. "In the food work 
these guys are way outside the box,” he says, "and that's why 
people are going to start to notice them. lt might not be to- 
morrow, but 1 can assure you it will be very soon, and you are 
going to wonder why it took so long." . 


Û ÅSA SELE 
PROFESSED 
IDVENTURESS 
WHO OWNS 
HEROWN 
YACHT, MISS 
DECEMBER 
FEELS AT 
HOMESON THE | 
WATER. ۹ 
THINK SUE 
DOES JUST 
FINE WHEN 
CHAT WATER 
IS FROZEN 


rf 


IRST MATE 


iss December Elizabeth 


/ Ostrander lives for a good 


dventure. “I go headfirst into 
anything that’s going to chal 

lenge or test me.” Meet th 
final Playmate of our 60th: 


s running 
tomboy 


Elizabeth spent her younger 


he guys as a 


in St. Augustine, Florida. Ar 18 she went to 


e and became an international model 


ing sensation. In the past year and a half, she 
has upped the ante by sailing her own yacht, a 
41-foot Islander Freeport, from Зав Р 

to Hawaii to Bora-Bora. "I'm a strong person 


and one of them was that I'd хай around the 


world—I knew I'd actually do it one day, so 1 
mentally trained myself to be like a Viking, 
Another of Eli 

рх was that she was Playmate-bound. “1 


absolutely love being naked—it's beauti 
ful, it's fun and it’s sexy? she says. Afer she 
attended a casting сай, it was all but a given to 
as our Miss December and cover 
dic looks 


To showcase her exotic 


gift to unwrap. Merry Christmas, everyb 


PLAYMATE DATA SHEET 


wz, Eizobeih Tem ander 
en ADR ЕН 
mum ID nan. MANOS n 
BIRTH Ey TA сае. +l 
nomon: lo Юе. а. Ою Dex Bomb Ge ۳ 
acd an Осме along, Me uny (Gord GoD 
TURN- онь: Men e ae Hough. bold wo Rec 
\ ih. ad o: 
wer »هط‎ a اڪ یچ‎ Ir 
Min 
MUSICAL UA CAPE Суг: Aveo. , ат 
оса mua. She MuS- De an old eoa like me. 


А TYPICAL DAY IN MY LIFE: Mi Cea oue 2228 


icc. Ме eg, moda, Moe pet, - 
hdres, moe Sex. No I (еме. Domed 
= Там ао.” uch) 
веет миль: ECC Luna, EE on ma deco 
to naked in Hausa — wien МХ MALLA. 


momen. 


PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES 


My last boyfriend said he fantasized about 
having two girls at the same time,” a woman. 
told her sister. 

"Most men do," the sister said. "What did 
you tell him?" 

"I said, "If you can't satisfy one woman, why 
would you want to piss off another one? * 


Who said that just because I tried to kiss you 
at last month's Christmas party you could 
neglect your work around here?" a boss 
asked his secretary. 

he responded, “My lawyer." 
Santa Claus has the right idea: Visk people 
once a year. 


ne once, shame on you. 
Fool me twice, shame on me. 

Fool me three times, you're probably really 
good-looking. 


There are a number of mes 
‘ou can give your lover for 
Increase sexual arousal. Ch 
an Aston Martin DB9 convertible. 


Christmas was rough when I was a kid because 
T believed in Santa Claus and, unfortunately, 
so did my parents. 


of office СІ 


What is the worst par ristmas 
parties? 


Looking for a new job the next day. 


Why are there no nativity scenes in Wash: 
ington, D.C? 
They can't find three wise men. 


The four stages of life: 
You believe in Santa Claus. 
You don't believe in Santa Claus. 
You become Santa Claus 
You look like Santa Claus. 


А woman walked into a tattoo shop and asked 

ora tattoo of a turkey to be inked on her right 
inner thigh and a Christmas tree on her left 
inner thigh. The tattoo artist said, "That's an 
unusual request. Why do you want those tat- 
1005 there?’ 

The woman answered, “Because my hus- 
band says I don't serve him anything good to 
eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.” 


Two women were admiring each other's 
ristmas gifts. 
“How did you get a mink out of your hus- 
band?" the first asked. 
he second replied, "The same way minks 
get minks.” 


А waitress was struck by how peculiar а 
couple at one of her tables was acting, She 
watthed as the man alid down his chal; and 
under the table. She approached the table and 
said, "Pardon me, ma am, but I think your 
husband just alid under the table." 

"Oh no he didn't,” the woman said. "In fact, 
he just walked in the front door.” 


А man was pouring a cocktail for his female boss 
during a holiday party in the office. "Say when," 
he told her. She replied, "Right after this dri 


А fed-up wife asked her persnickety car-lovi 
husband what he wanted for Christmas, ^ 
Something that goes from zero to 220 in 
three seconds flat,” he sai 
‘On Christmas Day he unwrapped a bath- 
room scale. 


А good friend will come and bail you out of 
jail, but a true friend will be sitting next to you, 
saying, "Damn...that was fun!” 


The — — ия ]À 
tal remarked to the floor manager of the busy 
ZU that there seemed to be a lot of pregnant 
purses in his unit. As they walked down the 
|. passing nurses tending to patients in their 
rooms, the director said he was concerned 
about a possible staff shortage. He asked when 
each nurse was due, and at every room the 
manager would say, "She's due sometime in 
late September.” 
At the fifth room, the manager looked per- 
plexed. “I have no idea about this one,” he 
said. "She wasn't at the Christmas party.” 


Send your jokes to Playboy Party Jokes, 9346 Civic 
Center Drive, Beverly Hills, California 90210, or 
Бу e-mail to yokes@ Playboy сот. 


I" 27 -- = 
ЇЕ 
F | 
4 | " 
LA 
ч ш» 


| BYIKEVINICOOK. 


ished growing. ТІМ Slam Du 
In the 1990s you had Ace of Base on the radio, ER and Home 


GRABE JORDAN 
TRANSCENDED HIS 
EPR. THAP WAS 
HIS GRBATESP 

EB WAS DEPTER 


Improvement оп TV and O.J. Si 
hour getaway in his white Br 
Humans on 


wo candidates fo o Was. It’s all re 


We thought he was just being his usual self. good old upbeat Magic 
suddenly facing a death sentence. In 1991, nobody beat HIV. Magic's 
diagnosis was final, his prognosis seemingly terminal. The idea that 
he would help pioneer the combination of drugs that would help ой 
survive HIV was as outlandish as the thought that Magic would g 
10 make millions as a businessman and co-owner of the L-A. Dodge 
as crazy as the thought of а league without him. “I mangled some of 

102 my statement,” he said late, "but you know 


"Usually I don't do one-night stands, but for you ГИ make an exception." 


103 


САС, 


AROUND THE WORLD 


For much of the 1960s, a relatively unknown Shel Silverstein was 
PLAYBOY'S “roving Renaissance man" and later became yet another 
of our gifts to the world of pop culture. He won a Grammy for 
writing the Johnny Cash song “A Boy Named Sue” and sold 
more than 35 million copies of his children's books (Where the 
Sidewalk Ends and A Light in the Attic, among others). He has 
remained one of our favorites, and we thought this was the 
perfect time to revisit some of his more memorable exploits. 


| MEXICO 


“1...1 really can't find the words 
to express it. Here I am in Taxco, 
the most enchanting city in the 
world...a beautiful girl at my 
side...an orange sun burning in 


satisfied) 1 get us two good seats 
for the corrida and you complain 
because we're in the sun...50 we 
exchange them for seats in the 
shade and you complain that we're 
not close enough to the bulls...o 
we get the closest seats possible, 
but now you still complain!” 


“You see, you pack the snow into balls 
like this, then you choose up sides and..." 


HET pear Te PEL ТШ ан 


“What do you mean you Just remembered you can't stand the sight of blood?!" 


SCANDINAVIA 


she's a typical Scandinavian 
nioe figure...tall....” 


11 like Uria. ah 
@ri...blonde hair.. blue eyes. 


ida, Shel dances the traditional flamenco 
gypsies. Wherever he roams, he trips 
1 songs 


Ї 


BEN 
zm re m 


"Too bad he couldn't hang on until the 25th!" 


o 
CRRIG CUTLER 


n knowing 


in the same kindergarten 
of those houses that were 


Jo the kids in the neighborhood, and 


ime of the other fellahs around our way hung 
fien. Playing Xbox, going on Facebook 
but the females, shit like that. Î spent the night 


here to adults when we want to show respect. My 
is Tim, but she called me Sleepy, the street 
1 got on account of my half-mast eyes. 1 guess 


vughi 


and when I'd wake up in the morning, a 


been put on top of me by Pat's mom, She 
Ч after my mother, and when she talked 


bunger brother she knew what g 
[was thoughtful like that 


г Miss Mary, which is how we do ar 


of Miss Mary like family. I mean that in a 

n the way that I think of family when 

Î think of my own 

We had free rein in the Sullivan house. 1 m 
knew our boundaries, but stil. Miss M. 


ion at home 


boys so much that she left her open purse 


on the kite 
or went f 
ever took a 


hen 


punter when she visited a neighbor 


k. 


1 know for a fact that none of us 
A couple of times we snagged 


lile liquor from that rolling cart she had and swiped 
beers out the refrigerator, but there was certain lines 


we wouldn't cross. Another one was, none of Pat's 


friends would ever go in her bed 


iber it. though. From the hall, up on the sec 


ond floor, 1 sometimes looked through her open door 
puble bed 

е. 1 don't recall 
seeing no dresser. The wallpaper was busy with som 
old-timey ра Әкей like those ink tests the 
shrink g h can fire in our 
middle sch most, beside the 


It was a small bedroom, It had 


scemed 10 take up 


tel with no fireplace under 
тед on the wall 
of the mantel was some 
ind what 


bed, was a fireplace n 


neath it. It was just sort of 


framing the wallp 
Kind of candlcholder thing, a snow globe 
looked like a painted rock. Above the candleholder 
was a crucifix, which had been mounted on the wall 
و‎ the wall, two icons: Madonna and the baby 
id Jesus grown up. 

Miss Mary was straight Catholic. One time, from in 


the hall, 1 saw her praying the rosary, holding those 
beads she had, looking up at the bearded Jesus pic 
ture on the wall. I had to look away. Didn't seem г 
somehow to be looking at her while she was. 
that private thing. 

This wasn't long after Pat's dad had died of a can 


cer. 1 don't even remember him much “cause 1 w 


100 young. Around that time, me and Pat wen 


talent sho her at our elementary. Up on stag 


doing that Jump” joint. Two tiny white boys in bow 
ties, lip-synching to Kris Kross. The crowd, kids and 
4 one of 

ail 


parents, went off. My mother was there 
her meth-tweak boyfriends too, Man with a pc 
and a skinny behind, 

Me and Pat. 
dle school and high sch 


i tight all through elementary, mid 
until 1 moved over to the 
le. We played 
but 


h high to learn the electrician's tr 
rec league football and basketball as youngster 
once we got to high school neither of us had the 
grades to qual 
itis where we live, there are smart kids and tough 
rated early on. The smart kids, 


8 ш 


y for athletics, so we stopped. The way 


kids, and they get sep 


из 


they get recognized as such in elementary. They're 
put in special classes and are protected ай the way in 


net and AP programs on their 
and beyond. Dudes 

back as unmotivated students with behavior 
lems, and all the kids like us got thrown da 
another group. We were put on what they call a dif- 
ferent “track” than those nerd kids. Our track was 
the one that leads to nothing much. Those people at 
the schools wished it on us, in a way, and it became so. 

‘Our neighborhood could be tough. A mix of col- 
ors, immigrant cabbies, on-and-off fathers 
who worked with their hands and backs if they were 
still around, Wasn't like us kids were gonna prove 
‘ourselves on the debate team, so what f came down 
10 was, be willing to steal someone in the face or get 
stole, or be a punk and walk away. We did get tested 
and sometimes we were outnumbered. Pat had my 
back most times, and it wasn't easy for him to step up 
and fight. He did it, but he was on the soft side. That 
happened to some who didn't have a man around the 
house, Though 1 got to say, it didn't happen to me. 

Me and Pat started smoking weed when we were 
14 years old, This boy named Rollo, a dealer with 
a genuine rep who lived down in the apartments, 
turned ш on to it Rollo was 20 м the tie: 1 goes Í 

ready to try marijuana. Ready or no, 1 wouldnt 
have turned Rolls offer down. dida want to look 
like a faggot in his eyes. 

‘As we got older, Rollo began to front us pounds of 
weed that we would split into ounces and off to our 
friends. In that way, Rollo expanded his business in. 
our neighborhood, and me and Pat got free weed to 
smoke. It was a good deal for all of us. 

Pat really loved being high. He'd get real quiet and 
happy after ring up. He was a big boy with Hack hair 
he kept shaved to the scalp. He had braces on his teeth, 
but he wasn't pressed by it. Matter of fact, шеке 
alot Ше his mother, Miss Mary, he had green 

"The deal between us was, 1 мун our scie and 
ges at my house, in my bedroom. My mother 
ever went in my room, and if she had found anything. 
1 don't believe she would have cared. Pat made the 
calls to kids we knew who were and both 
of us did what we called the transactions. Any con- 
versations we had on our cell phones, we used codes. 
Money was Kermit, meaning green, an ounce was an 
“osmosis,” marijuana was M.J., for Michael Jordan. 
We weren't stupid. 


We never moved product through the а Sullivan 
house, Pat's place was for relaxing Miss 
Mary must EI VA 


most of the time, because we were always eating stuff 
from out the pantry and watching TV and laughing 
at it even when the shit was not funny and the shows 
ме were watching were, like, UFO shows and shit. 
T think she was all right with it because her son was 
safe in the house. Having lost her husband and all, 
1 believe she feared losing Pat to the street. So she 
knew we were smoking weed. What she didn't know 
was that we were dealing it, and all the complications 
that come with that 

The police in this county here are all about catch; 
ing kids in the act of smoking, like it's some kind 
ot high crime, They even got hes 
guys, young dudes who look 
high school, busting Latino 
көлік Young bac and white police who do the same 
to their own kind. Meantime, if you are one of those 


nerd boys, you are pretty much safe, even if you par- 
take in the sacrament yourself. The smart kids, the 
ones who been protected their whole lives, can go off 
to college and smoke all the weed they want in their 
dorm rooms. Shit is damn near legal for them. Just 
like it was for their parents. 

Turns out, the police had been watching Rollo for 
مس سمخ‎ T Ld مد‎ posa, ‚charges on him. 
The first had been dismissed, but he had a court date 
coming up on the second and an expensive lawyer 

him. We found out later from this same 
lawyer be had been under suspicion as a known drug 
dealer by one of them county task forces they had. I'm 
thinking that some kid who got busted for ion 
identified Rollo as his dealer once the police got that 
Kid under the hot lights. 

‘The night the bad thing went down, we were driv- 
ing around in Rollo's car, an old Mercury Mas 
which has the same platform as a Ford Crown Vic- 
toria and a Lincoln ental. What they сай the 
sister car. 1 didn't mention that Rollo is black. Means 
nothing to me, but it's part of the story. Police see 
a black dude and a couple of white dudes rolling 
around in a Crown Vic look-alike, they see, what do 
you call that, misadven- 
ture, and they are going to 
pull you over to the side of 
the road. That came later, 

We had gone down to 
the Summit apartments, 
2 le around our 

‘Slum It. Blacks 
and Spanish lived there, 
many females with their 
single mothers. There 
was this one trick I liked. 


[s] 


told me her mom was out 
with her boyfriend for the 
might so it was a perfect 
setup. We all sat around 
in her living room and 
got smoked up, listen- 
ing to go-go and some 
Latin stuff to make Lucia 
happy. and then me and. 
Lucia went to her bedroom and Rollo and Pat stayed 
where they was at. Back in the bedroom, Lucia said 
she was on her period, so 1 told her to suck it. After 
1 busted а nut, me and her went back out to the liv- 
ing room and 1 told my boys that was time o go 
1 put a little weed on the coffee table for Lucia and 
we left out of there. 

Rollo said he needed to make a quick delives 


BESIDE 


in 
led 


the building. We got in the elevator, which w 
like fried chicken and cigarettes, went up a few 
floors and followed Rollo. n a hallway, wi he 


knocked on a door. Behind И someone said, "Who 
is it?” and Rollo said, "UPS man," which was the 
answer they had agreed on. The door opened and. 
же went inside. 

1t was just one person in there, a dude named 
David, who went by Day. He was on the small side but 
cocky. Had braids, like most dudes do these days, try- 
ing to be Gucci Mane. He was wearing hundred-dollar 
ir Force Із and a Blac Label T-shirt. 


LYING FAC 
DOWN ON 
THE STREET 


МЕ 


I HEARD PAT 
SAY, "MOM 


"And another thing—you never brought me that red bicycle when I was ۳ 


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“Santa is on the fourth floor, Miss, but then again, 
“Just giving Suzette a hand with the he has a number of secret helpers 
m Christmas baubles, my dear." scattered out in the fiel 


“And then I realized I couldn't take another 
Christmas Eve staring up little reindeer asses!" 


“Deck the halls with boughs of holly, 


tra la la la la, la la la la..." 


"See, I told you there was a Santa Claus." 


y BY MATT HOYLE 


2 E 
== PHOTOGRAPH 


01 


2 
PLAYBOY: Have you ever been fired? 
DAY: Sort of, from a Via Via Pizza in 
Newport, Rhode Island, where I grew 
up, because 1 was a really dumb em- 
ployee. I showed up and I didn't bring 
а pen. I was supposed to have a pen for 
some reason. They were very upset that 
1 didn't bring my own pen. 1 had long 
hair at the time, which they weren't 
into, 1 looked like a hippie who put a 
бе on. Everything they wanted me to 
do or learn, 1 didn't get right. They 
меге like, "We got your number, right?" 
And I knew then they weren't going 
to call me. 1 felt humiliated. But in the 
long run it was good that I did't find a 
Career as a pieza waiter, 


оз 
PLAYBOY: You eventually got a job 
as the voice of the IFC network, which 
helped you break into bigger things. 
DAY: did that from maybe 2000 to 
2003, Anytime you heard “Coming up 
on IFC” or "Tonight at eight, Dario 
Argento"—this was way back when it 
was actually a channel about indepen- 
dent film»—I would announce them ай. 
When my voice-over agent called me, 
he said, “I got this thing for you, for 
the Independent Film Channel But 1 
had a callback that same day with Curtis 
Hanson for the movie 8 Mile 


Q4 
PLAYBOY: Was it the starring rok 
DAY: No, but it was a good part. It was 
а good medium-size part for a guy who 
has a conflict with Eminem's charact 
So 1 called my agent and said, "I don't 
want to do this ТЕС thing." And he. 
said, "Look, if you take this gig, you 


I GUESS THE COOL KIDS 
ARE NEVER GOING TO 
INVITE ME TO THE PARTY. 
IT'S JUST HISTORY 
REPEATING ITSELF. 
HHT 


won't have to worry about rent.” I said, 
"Oh, what are we talking about?" And 
suddenly 1 realized 1 was going to be 
financially secure just from doing those 
ТЕС promos. But 1 almost blew the 
whole thing off. 


as 
PLAYBOY: Was getting the IFC job 
122 when you realized you had a unique 


voice? You've described your voice as 
“a squeaky dog toy mixed with a bag 
full of rusty nails" and as that of “a 
10-year-old who smokes.” 

DAY: 1 think it was when 1 started 

to read comments from people 
complaining about it. When I'm 
agitated in scenes it gets higher and 
scratchier and squeakier. 1 was slightly 
aware of it when 1 was starting out in 
the theater and certain people would 
say, "You need to work on that." 1 
became more aware of it after we 
started making Iy Aways Sunny in 
Philadelphia and | was on TV a lot, 
and one out of three people would 
have some comment about it. Of 
course you don't hear yourself the way 
other people do. But 1 certainly don’t 
have a complex about it 


6 
PLAYBOY: You once said that if you 
don't establish yourself as a McDreamy 
type in Hollywood, then you don't have 
to live up to it. If you're not McDreamy, 
how have you established yourself? 
DAY I try not to know. When you start 
to know, that's when you're in trouble, 
because you have to live up to some 
idea of yourself. 1 also talked about how 


many weights I'd have to lift to be that 
type. And 1 talked about tanning. It's a 
relief for me not to do any tanning. 


a7 
PLAYBOY: Yet you must be curious 
about the world of beefcake roles 
DAY: There are two sides to every 
coin. It would be great to be Brad Pitt 
for a day 


ов 
PLAYBOY: What would you do if you 
woke up as Brad Pitt tomorrow? 
DAY: I would fuck my wife. What would 
you do? 


09 
PLAYBOY: That's а reasonable choice 
DAY: 1 probably know the reality оГ 
what he would do. He would wake up 
and then he would go deal with the 
kids. How many kids do they have? 
Thirty? He would deal with the 30. 
kids, and he wouldn't go anywhere 
near his wife, because they've been 
together for years 


ото 
PLAYBOY 


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123 


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(chat? Гэ proud of that moment. My hear was 
in the right place.” 

DOMINIQUE WILKINS, Atlanta Hawks small 
forward and Hall of Famer: When Magic 
дей, he left something behind, kind of an 
‘empty space where he used to be. Larry 
Bird was about to гейге, Who was going to 
be the face of basketball? Well, we ай had a 
pretty good idea 


The moth af hs pros confer, Mag 
ененнен, 
has e 1992 Al Сонс y Jone 
June Ви cha Jordan Cha Bar 
N and mas eer fre Hall of Powers 
M nummer рийг la deo. тагт 
the US. "Dream Tem" avenged America’s 
third place nah t Seal 15 1988. The 
Diod a: 117-83 rabo d Crati 
БА rid nodal nal wa Se рим 
дә ‘Before that, Barkley had thrown 
tyre ts 
player of sfc then ач t 
бад ponte Yuk cali, Hoy Je, 
‘am I gonna be on the cover for this?” During 
a past of Arcs am, Bind лі 
(Сайып, “Hey, Jack, later om, you wanna 
blo шт" In hs 2012 ak Dan Thom, 
Malls ll буи ЭМ жо fae pong 
Waren inc s Span ar 
عمش‎ mnor of Seven Seconds 
S Lam and Dre Tr wu te Dream 
Team the ben babel wam ever? 
‘They'll do for now. And they came togeth- 
era a time when there was a changing of 
the guard, from the Magic-Bird era to the 
‘Age of Michael, who transcended even his 
hype. To me, that might be his greatest ac- 
БЭХЛЭХ Хү үүсч 
im the 1090» beating his hype: Because 
Bar could you be beter бал people mid 
Michael Jordan was? But he was. 
MICHAEL JORDAN, Chicago Bulls shoot- 
ing guard and Hall of Famer: {In 1997] 1 
got шу first scoring title іп 1987. That was 
бал мемен Pern o, yon kana, 


proving everybody. ‘Which is one of 
my strong points. | used to hear the line, 
"Who's the only 1o hold Michael 


Jordan under БР polus? (Uniersiey of 
North Carolina coach] Dean Smithy” 1 
said no. Wrong. I knew I could always 
‘ore pins ‘What Dean Smith taught me 
was tia rent ofthe pmo, not fst ang 
but defense, passing. rebour 

tthe ume lied in tbe pres 


Jordan had arrived on the national stage 
‘with a corner jumper that won the 1982 
NCAA finals for North Carolina. He was a 
19-year-old freshman. 

JORDAN: 1 never saw the ball go in. The de- 
fense was coming; маз fading away blocked 
‘out. But I knew from the noise That was the 
real ‚of my career. Afer that, the 
toughest was living up to expectations 


Deeps Bad Boy. back to hack champs in 1989 
and 1990, were almas done. Jordan’ Chicago 
Bulls хоер them in the 1991 Eastern Confer. 
‘ence finals он the way o the а eres би 
saw e Pisto surrender. They БД the court ax 
e last seconds ticked awey refusing to shake 
‘the Bulls" hand Jordan reportedly хам he was 
“whch” that Pistons рети guard Inch Thomas 
“did play as hard” as e could have. Thomas 
шош be eft off he 1992 Обри: Dream Тат, 
а ші бий ied him ever af Ву 1994, when 
the once-proud Pistons finshed 20-64, Chuck 
Dl eed Bad Bos vem t plain bad, 
SEKOU SMITH, NBA.com 

The league was evolving from that Bad 
Boys black and ble period, with the Fi 
tons delivering the humps, to a more free 
flowing game. 1 grew up in Grand Rapide 

han. the heart of Bad Boys country. 

Tom 
and the wizardry he displayed running 
that Showtime attack The shift from there 
into the 1990s was fascinating to watch 
WILKINS: The 1990 weren't as physical as 
the 1980s, which were just ridiculous, but 
they were a lot more than today. 
‘SMITH: It was still the league's WWE era 
And not just the Bad Boys in Detroit— 
teams like the Knicks and the Heat wres- 
Чей as much as they played basketball 
WILKINS: 1 loved the contact. We did a lot 
of hand-checking, and you could reach 
‘out your elbow to slow people down. No 
zones allowed. You couldn't get across 
the lane without getting checked, get 
ting screened—paying your dues. An- 
other huge difference is that we finished 
our college careers, 30 we were more 
polished when we arrived. 1 came out of 
what was probably the best high school 
clam ever There was me, James Worthy 
Isiah Thomas, Ralph Sampson, By 
Scott, and not one of us went straight 10 
the МВА. averaged 28 points and 19 re- 
bounds my senior year in high school and 
didn’t even think of going pro. 

"That era had some of the greatest play- 
ers of all time. Great characters, even 
great nicknames 


Allen Iverson, a Philadelphia 76ers rookie 
‘with the world’s quickest crossover drible— 
а "Money Bags” tattoo on the back of his left 
hand crossing over his right with its tat оја 
stack of money en the Ап Seats Cary 
Payton was the Glove because he covered you 
like one. Utah's Karl Malone was the Mailman 
оше ke dared. Te Pond Той Bl 
er Clyde Drexler was Clyde the Glide because 
Fe fd Navy grad Darid Rao, he Ad 
torpedoed San Antonio's foes. The 1990s 
rol call featured Mock Blaylock and Меке 
Norris, Reign Man Shawn Kemp and Thun- 


son, Bimbo Coles and Tractor Traylor. 
WILKINS: And I was the Human Highlight. 
Film. 1 didn't like that name so much. 
Sure, 1 dunked, but it's not like 1 got all 
my 26,000 points on dunks. 1 had a mid- 
range game. I'd get to the line nine or 10 
times a game, get the tough bucket in the. 
last minute. That's the role of a team's 
number one player. Going to the basket to 
a ac ten ro atom Bing 
Michael was great at that, Не was the 
number one guy. top of the list. But let 
mot forget the most athletic of them all, the 
who came before us, Julius Ervi 
T wana som ofa ich. th som ofa 

who really created the modern era. 
SMITH: Legions of hoops-heads became 

Jordan worshippers in the 1990s 
WILKINS: Remember how Magic and 
Isiah used to kiss before the tip? Tha 
wasn't Michael. He was more like Bird 
and me. When fans ask about highlights, 
they think of special plays, but we'd think 
up against Bird or Jordan 
Есе vise de game or your 
team tara highligh. 1 had 54 one night 

inst Chicago. 

“Nice game,” after. 
ng floor and 
talk like we're friends, like they do now? 
No. You get a stony look as Jordan or Bird 
goes by I's like, You kicked my butt today, 


Bi were 
spem Who thought of Chicago as a bi 


NIA town? Fane had grown aca 
to the domination of the Lakers, Celtics 
and Pistons, only to have Jordan's Bulls 
take over a 


Chicago's NBA franchise didn't шіп a cham- 
wn 1991: Jordan’ fit finals өмі 
^s last. A the 
‘Sorts Mustratd hyping, Portland" 
Trae as Michaels “нит өм rii" the 
firt so-called пем Jordan. Coach Phil Jacksons 
Bull took Bh eres in six. Jordan won the MVP 
“ward o go with s ath ag «опт hk. 
By 1992 Cheng was sting for « the, 
prat—a erm coined bythe Laker” Byron Scott 
and {зай trademark by Lakers couch Pu 
Roly during де 1989 season, when two-time 
چا سا‎ v decia Be ik nr 
Melo ir Atlanta and Cleveland, 
cago fell behind the New York Knicks boo 
games to none т the Eastern final, only o 
{he la four from Riley, Patrick Контр ам. 
оп the sidelines, dicor Spike Lee. Nod came 
Bull-Suns in the NBA finals, with Phoenix a 
se favorit. The Sus were lal by Санд 
Barkley whose regular season MVP award kept 
Jordan [rom thre peating т that department 
‘CHARLES BARKLEY, Phoenix Suns 
forward and Hall of Famer: [1 Майен 
in 2013) Chuck Daly had told me [at the 
Olympics] that 1 was the second-best 
player in the world. “Who's better than 
me” 1 said. 1 knew the answer. But 1 really 
believed, at that time, 1 was better than 
Michael. That changed during this series. 


“I guess maybe it evens out...all he got at the last house was a glass of milk...” 


133 


PLAYBOY 


134 


PAUL WESTPHAL, Phoenix Suns coach: 
[To McCallum in 2013) Next to Shaq, 
Charles may have been the worst player 
in history at defending the pik and гай. 
Were playing Utah eariy in the season, 
is in the wrong place again. 
ee 
to дог 
throug! 
what I really want to do.” 


At dria P та n ний si e 
Series at sake, Barkley was on Scottie Pippen. 
Belly bi jr е ot Ie fod Hus 
roni aer ыа jir а pane ying ley 
Except that Grant ‘out. Instead of 
the ball in the basket, he flipped й out- 


side to guard John Pusson. 
JOHN PAXSON, Bulls point guard: 
[5 Mecalien in 2017) The hey was when 
a was supposed 
to go to Scottie and Michael, but now it 
turned into something else... 


A do-or-die 
ad i rae Bot 17 uc 

poris ‘Swish, The Bulls won 99-98. 

горіли, Paxson and Jackson елші: 

Jer оды, [ian сурч м rd 

Р trophy as e curtain fll om 


7 aman 


| زر‎ ve ays سر‎ 
have known me, when 1 lose the sense of 
motivation to prove something as a basket- 
ball player, it’s time for me to move away 
from the game, 1 have reached the pin- 
nade of my career. 


Jeden ambos flr теді p 5 
Jordan mentioned his а 
[pur of joyriding teenagers om the side of ө 
ву that summer. Even to the fiercest 
live, he қате seemed е important 


JORDAN: It was just a matter of waiting un- 
til this time, when basketball was near, to 
sce fmy bean would tick for it. The desire 


runs, 51 ВВ and 30 solen laxe —mot awful 


“I hope you don't mind. They like to watch!" 


me a year or so to get great at that. Baseball 
camaraderie. 


has the greatest 
=a, sunflower ses and rade buses 
to Knoxville, Huntsville and 
menge the NBA lad for nw hemes 
MCCALLUM: There was talk of a four-peat. 
“The Bulls still had Pippen, but who's their 
second-best player now, Toni Kukoc? 
RICK TELANDER, Chicago Sun-Times 
Н иш ihe a the sir went ош of Chi 


Miei‏ سس 

Porta ناگ‎ ша apena] 
He was a number two, nota number one. 
MCCALLUM: They still took the Knicks to a 
seventh game in the 1994 Eastern semis, 
but that was the end of the first Age of 
Michael. And without him, the trophy s u 
for grabs You've got a bunch of cama vi 
a shot at a tide, The Knicks, under Riley, 
‘with Ewing, John Starks and Charles Oak- 
ley. Hakeem Olajuwon and the Houston 
Rackets. The Utah Jur wi Malone and 
John Stockton, Seite with Gary Payton, 
‘All of a sudden, with Michael playing 
baseball, you've got an open lane to the 
cha you can maximize right 
now. If you can step up and not just talk. 


t was the golden age of trash talk. Bird and 


pm fp e 


the Seale Super Xavier MeDanil, "Ти 
(guna ta ме drs өм ИД, Га pong ia 
PT 


and then did just that, Jordan would wow 
and then taunt بط‎ 
ae 
der dunking on их ihe vi 
ав and hearing Em ie f. "Pick on 
our own ste,” Jordan dunked on x- 
foot: 11 Melvin Taran, then turned lo the owner 
‘and айм, "Was he big enough?" 


JORDAN: A lot of times i's not even verbal. 
Тез actions and reactions the banging that 
goes on. 

Mille, another big tae, Үр hu mouth 
bm сачын 
REGGIE MILLER, Indiana Pacers shooting 
Не 

"trc in June) He was a polarizing 

figure a transcending type of athlete. He 
ushered ها‎ the swagger the tongue out. 
‘WILKINS: Michael never said anything to 
me. He didit have to. When you tangle 
wi hi youre avare he may embarras 
you. He might go for 40 or 60 points on 
Tos. 1 didn't ий ot him ether, Vou don't 
Tani to give him more incentive. 
JORDAN во verbal with certain individ- 
зав. You dunk a Бай and мап getting into 
that person's head, "How many you want 
me to score tonight?” Just à competitive 
conversation. With Charles Barkley if you 
had succes over him, you'd never have to 
ten to what he says 


Payton, one of the few guards in 
Me Jour’ tas eer mayat. 

зайг, put the New Jersey Net’ Jamie Кай in 
‘is place, saying, “Man, you wont even be in the 
league next year” But Denver bounced Payton’ 
‘top-seeded 1994 Sonics out of the playoffs m йе 


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PLAYBOY 


firs round, leaving the second-seeded Houston 
UP nis eng sico cn Рр. 

over 
penal de Dil ef, eem on 
he Eastern Conference. Е 


an- 
земи! Seventeen 
inis for Miler, and the Knicks now lead 
MATT GUOKAS, color commentator: And 
Reggie's starting to chirp with some people 
fromt rom s ын 

ALBERT: There's Mil k 

Reggie Miler i on re. Mier open again! 
"ÁS atve pones and Regni Mle 
Spike Lee, who. 


seat, I think Spike has him revved up! 


Lee, waving his arms at widcourt, borked at 
Mille who returned an icy dare and raised both 
hands to his neck. 

ALBERT: Miller giving the choke sign to 
Spike Lee! 


The тм of the quarter was a Hu, starting with 

127 fot bonb from Miler end enar dirty 
at Spike. 

ALBERT: And he hits it... Pacers lead 75- 

72... Here's Miller again! Miller for three. 

Yes! And Pat Riley calls for time. Just an 


қамыға ы E 


again! Twenty-one of his 35 points have 
ымамы guar 


arabe tegis vr dns эри Ls‏ نسم 
бак Spike wat‏ 


New York 
Miller air-ba 


Indiana in seven games— 
ling a шм-рир jumper—and 


led the Houston. Rockets in the finals, three 

A A 

pianshi winning thee paises. Racha 
center Hakeem Olajuron, seniching of, got a 

piece of he ші... 

ALDERT: Starks for three came up short! 
„sending the Knicks to hell, they 


was 

ir shot. He got his title that year, him 
And that Rockets team. Could they have 
done it with Michael still playing? We'll 
never know. 


aha bunch of minor 
wh a bunch of yahoos? And е Bol fans 
waited. Everybody knew he had to come 
VEL Tis adir was dead. he d tried hs 
hand at something different, and now bas- 
he did better 


Back but тшу. А ший afier 

mano league Barmengkum Harms 
refer en 
‘Pacers. He soon il wp the Кос for 35 ba locked 
moria т the ть арата Orlando und 23-war- 


"m 


“I never give a patient a drug I haven't tried myself.” 


ш. O'Neal. Thats when Jordan tried ө 
luck. He defied the league by itching 

fo ارس ی‎ = 
PHIL JACKSON, Bulls coach: [T> 
‘porters in 1995] Michael said he was hit- 
-202 with a 45 on his back in baseball. 1 
“Зиг shooting about the sume per- 
centage too. It's time you get back to 25." 


Tos late. The Bull lost a playoff series for only 
де second time in the decade. They'd have io 
Mn vt 

In қате one of the 1995 Easter semifinals, 
БАША 105-99 with 18.7 seconds 

‘enough? Miller таша 

tol the ball, treated to the | and 
hat another. The usually liable Marks clanked 
fed e e. Heed 
тш, fue, 
iid ight pit p iz: 


ANTHONY MASON, Knicks forward: [Jars 
later] We were shell shocked. We went numb. 
her his second three, И was like a terrible 
nightmare that you couldn't wake up from, 
MULLER: (зоны, explaining why he passed 
мра shorter shat for the second three) | wanted 
to drive a stake through their heart. 


differently, I think, due to Michael's absence. 
Hakeem was maybe the most versatile center 
on oleme end defense, and be gts spo- 
ken of in the same breath as the greats, But 


we wouldn't ook at him the same way without 
those back-to-back champi 

"What if Jordan had never quit to play 
baseball? Would we be talking about Hakeem 
now? Obviously it sa hypothetical but in his 
prime Michaels mental and physical mastery 
Gf the league was so ur there's no 
reason his Bulls wouldn't have won in those 
two years. What set them apart was their day- 
in, day-out will to win. And not just win 一 is 
a crappy night in Sacramento, and you could 
take a night off, but those Bulls teams don't 
Just want to beat the Kings. They want to kill 
them, humiliate them and infuriate their 
fans, and that came straight from Michael 
TELANDER: We media guys used to play 
а game: What NBA teams would win the 
championship if you put MJ on their team? 
We settled on cight—eight teams that would 


have won. That's how dominant and crazy 
mean he was. Physically he was a panther 
Mentally һе was just relentless and cruel. 


got dose. The Jazz, who would get another 
shot, Even Orlando with Shaq, a new kind 
‘of NBA character. Shaq wasn't a cutthroat 
like Jordan and Bird. He was more like 
Magic, with a smile and a sense of humor, 
and he had some huge games 

JORDAN: The hardest thing is consistency. 
Everybody's capable of having a good 
game, but on our level everybody is not ca 

pable of having a good game every game. 
That's the challenge. 

TELANDER: Other players got compared to 
MJ, and they all fell short. It was the start 
of à time when midsize non centers could 
dominate because of their athleticism and 
new rules that helped inside 
ers, a situation that holds w 


А month before the 1995-1996 season the Bull 
‘traded backup center Will Perdue to the Spurs 
for Rodman, the league's leading rebounder four 
gears in a row 

TELANDER: It was as if (Bulls general man 
ager] Jerry Krause handed Jackson a Tas- 
manian devil and said, “Here you go, Phil. 
See if you can win with this thing.” It may 
have been the greatest organizational feat 
Jackson ever had: keeping the team to- 
ether with a nutcase in the midst. 


Rodman had once duked it out өп court with 
Perdue, He had shoved Pippen off the court and. 
‘even claimed he wasn't in өзе of Jordan. 
RODMAN: I don't give а fuck about anybody 
in the NBA, Hanging with Michael Jordan 
is supposed to be big news? Please. 


Ви the Worm turned а comer in Chicago. He 
‘std трт. pendeng sr hours m gym 
rebounding for Jordan and Pippen, geting fel 
Jor haw йен mised shots am ор the on ам ws 
зоон defending und rebounding Маг than roe 
"In таілі camp, Jackson sew а diferen 
Ihe 32-year-old Jordan, He thought 
or бары cal had made ha Jordan a 
— ber mam. ia 
ات‎ ба) of bing wi alor 
men," the Zen master noted in his hook Eleven 
Rings: The Soul of Success. Afer wars of sim 
Ph laring а ho конти and them 
a e him,“ He гарлыг adopted 


JACKSON: [In Eleven Rings] Michael adopted 
а new way of leading. With some players, he 
decoded, he would get phy, ether by dem- 
‘onstrating with his body or in Scogics case, 
simply by being present. “Scottie was one of 
those guys for whom I had to be there every 
single day” says Michael. “IF 1 took a day ой, 
he would take a day off But 1 was there 
ery single day, he would follow” With other 
player», Michael would go emotional. "You 
‘couldn't yell at Dennis,” he says. "You had to 
find a way to get into his world fora few quick 
seconds o that he could understand what you 
were saying,” With sill others Michael would 
‘communicate on a verbal level. он 
Burrell, a forward on the 1997-1998 Bulls "I 
could yell at him and he would get it, but it 
didert hurt his confidence at all." 


In one of Ihe most colorful seasons in NBA 
history —encluding Кота vivid hair—the 


1995-1996 Bulls outperformed everyone's ex- 
pectations but Jordan's. They went 72-10, 
lipsing the Jerry Weq-Wa О т-Сай 
Goodrich 1971-1972 Laken’ recon of 69 wins 
ша season—a feat no other team has approached. 
Jordan averaged 30.4 points per game to claim. 
‘is eighth scoring tile. Rodman threw his body 
‘all over the floor while leading the league in re- 
ounds. Kukoc was named Sixth Man of the War 
Jackson Coach of the War and Jordan MVP of the 
regular season, the All-Star Game and the (тай 
‘against Радон outclassed Sonics—though the 
‘Tasmanian Worm stood ош vn game их with nine 
points, fw assists and 19 rebounds, 

‘SMITH: There used to be more anticipation 
for the finals, but that was es ing. 1 
dont know that 1 ever thought the Western 
Conference team facing them actually had a 
‚chance to knock the Bulls off, not once. 
WILKINS: By then they were just about per- 
fect, like a regular-season Dream ‘Team, 


197 


‘And it wasn't just Jordan. They had the best 
Rodman underneath, Kukoc 


PLAYBOY 


‘Gump says: Life is like a box of chocolates; you 
never know what the fuck you're gonna get. 
TELANDER: 1 thought Rodman had real 
emotional problems, dating back to his 
troubled past. The guy was a nobody, a jan- 
itor at the Dallas-Fort Worth airport who 
ft in trouble for nealing some watches 

A A 


Detroit, and it seemed to unhinge him. Не 
went to the Spurs and was a total dick and 
q lacio. На cama pus ib И] 

1 him straight on the court mosthy— 
but his ego took over and he started acting 
ош, being а clown, a bulloon, yet a mad- 
man on the court with that one thi 
did better than anybody: rebound. 
were games when he wouldn't shoot at 
all. Hed get a rebound under the basket 
and throw it outside instead of shooting. I 
Nas weird. Phil called him "annoying. to 
Me A — res 

at skills to go with his great 
E those Bull were so good he could turn 
the whole thing into a circus and it didn't 
matter. Deep inside, Phil knew that. 
MCCALLUM: Other teams had their chances 
“The Jaze got two chances. 


Utah featured power forward Karl “Mailman” 
Mitos ley ie ‘and point 
сш a Nin 
рим, second т 
o go with 10 rebounds per 
ene و‎ 1997 0 em o fad 
Stockton, ший hu blank expreuion and heart rate 
35 beats per minule pulse of а contract 
ler оға resting co enis он his ошу o 
тєвийг that ий! never be broken: 15,806 ашид 
(almast 4,000 more han Jason Kidd and 5,300 
more than Steve Nash) and 3,265 seuls (581 
more han Kidd and 751 wore than Jordan). 
TELANDER: Michael was in the process of 
destroying several good franchises. The 
‘old Bad Boy Pistons, the Sonics, the Brad 
Daugherty-Mark Price Cavaliers. And then 
the Jazz, with Stockton and Malone in their 
prime, got their hearts cut out. 


Late in game one of the 1997 finals on June 1, 
Pen ee en te ды: 
Malone. The Mailman sepped to 

fuo Моб with 9.2 seconds left. Pippen 

ed o ма and sb “Pombo ee 
man doesn’ deliver om Sundays, Кан.” Malone 
E LL I 


diam d e МАҚ ion 
Чит game three through 
ТМ dico gin je 


because of all the fucking Mormons out here. 


With the series бай at two, Jordan came down 
‘with а nasty flu. In the famous “flu game,” His 
(шоогу) Airness 38, including а last- 
minute thy The Bulls jas NBA 

138 champions after winning 90-86 im game six. 


‘WILKINS: When they beat Utah it was 
watching a appen before your 
eyes. You might be the number one 

‘on your team, you might be an All-Star, but 
you'd look at Chicago and wonder if there 
was ever a team that could beat that team. 
TELANDER: That October the Bulls went to 
Paris, and they were like the Beatles. It was 
ти» at all times: Scottie, Phil, the Worm 
and Air Jordan, like the last crazy sports 
rock band in a time before smartphones 
and the internet. Jordan and Rodman had 
bod, wherever they went, security 


cops, What 
Team ever did that before? 
MECALLUM: And Michael being Michael, he 
Finished ic off right. 


Game sx of the 1998 finals, a ull Jazz rematch. 
ain es Bull drin p. 

айл oped a fom Malone Nand Te 
‘seconds, nine, “Dw dende Бэ 
Rusell und knocked down a 


TELANDER: What 
had been named NBA MVP when 
Sr фу эш, Ты рш ма а He 
anybody who tried to take any 


Shaq wasn't the next 
Michael. Kobe turns people 
off. So does LeBron. He 
didn't stay with one team like 
Michael and Magic. LeBron 
is in your face. 


from him, and so of course he seals the 
Malone and makes that (шек shot. 


The Buli ст! redeem the bet om. 
(т modern history В what did бий яван! The 
Jackson coached Shaquille O'Neal-Kobe Bryant 
“Lakers would Uhme-pea from 2000 і 2002. The 
Tim Duncan Tony Parker Мати Ginobili 

] PE alr o. 

2007. In 2015, e Miami Heat 

бий мө Br ы/а yan, Вы noe of 
ose champs. or ried бе 
qune Ше Jordan Bulls m Ber 
TELANDER: Hakcem’s Houston Rockets 
would not have won two crowns if 
hadn't called time-out to play baseball. The 
Bulls would have won eight in a row. 
MCCALLUM: An cight-peat? Yes, I think they 
LIT 


ask students who's their favorite basketball 
player, about half say Michael Jordan, as 
many as LeBron James! 

ет the end of his tme looked Ше 
Vobis sd mex mentado Ellen of cur 
time, might become the Age of Shaq, Shaq 
was very marketable at a time when the 
Кар wanted а crowover наг, “the next 
Michael.” There was Fenny 

and Grant Hil, but Shaq was the һем candi 
date. He could have averaged 40 and 22 if 
he'd committed himself, but that's not who 
he was. He didn't always play as hard as he 
could. To be fair, he of nagging 
injuries. But he wasn't like Mike, He wasn't 
trying to be beter than his hype. 


had his moment: four rings, an MVP 

сесі erie Kates, efor 
mon’ S le grew up jumping 

Fem ting pe e Сар The 

J25 pounder once broke а toilet 


depasit. He had a rop m- 
E TTC Iia 
‘arguably he league 1 
MCCALLUM: But Shaq 


star remotely in his league. Kobe turns 
people off. So does LeBron, largely be- 
‘cause of "the Decision.” And LeBron's a 
very interesting case, He didn’t stay with 
‘one team like Michael and Magic, and 
W's held against him that he had Dwyane 
Wade him, but there's something 
more than that. Í think it's something 
that’s not racist, but racial, LeBron is in 
your face—in white people's face—in а 
way that Michael and Magic never were, 
He comes across as too culturally street 
for a significant number of Americans, 


mmm 1999 but then шин 
dmn a jd Washington Ward a 
“ОГЧ анг: 22 9 ond To ан tna 
weh them, but by then he was only excellent, To- 


his "lu game” Air Jordans 
sold at auction for $104,763, His old teammate 
Rodman, 33, fresh off а stint as unofficial am- 


‘basiador to North Korea, checked in to rehab. 
Their old Zen master Jackson, 69, isthe new 
the New York Knicks, 
эшти: 1 don't know if it's a better ог worse 
game today. It's certainly different—a 

game, much more fluid and free- 
ing compared to those days. 


The record book sho the Boston Celtics ih the 
том NBA files, 17, followed by the Minneapolis 
Los Angeles Lakers with 16. Neu come the Chi 

Bull uh х, all in the eight-year span from 
1 1998, when they made нх /най and 
never la. No other team т the league's 6 
sor has won move than five times. 
MCCALLUM: You want to know a strange 
thing about Michael? He's not that char- 
ismatic off the court. LeBron has real off- 
‘court charisma. He's a hundred times the 
actor Michael ever was. But who's the most. 
important player? 1 guess we've learned 
that there wasn't going to be a next Michael. 
There was only one. 


оғ 
MISS MARY'S ROOM 
Cantina frm juge 112 
He said to Rollo, "You got и?” 
Rollo sad 


Day said, "Tm good. 

And Rolo mid. "Then gotit” ы 

ie sat around a cable spool a 
bong on top of it, matches and ashtray, and a 
» top Day used to clean the seeds away 
from the buds. Day wanted to try the weed. 
Rollo handed him the Baggie and Day kind 
‘of hefted it in his hand and said, "Feels light." 

"You think во?" said Rollo. 

Day fired up a piece and poked it through 
the bowl with a thin rod. He sat back on the 
couch, holding his breath, and coughed out a 
stream of smoke, His eyes were already pink. 

“Good funk,” said Day 

“I know it” said Rollo. 

ut light." 
gonna negotiate.” 
еси get my sale, you want me to." 

"You prolly don't need a scale. With your 
superpowers and shit, you can just, you 


Цин an une. 1 scaled that shit my own 
self two hours ago." 
don’t think so." 


“We got a difference of opinion, is all 
‘Thinkin’ we can meet each other halfvay " 

"Nother words, you want a discount 

"This here ain't no 0, Rollo, 1 just want 
vo pay you for what e 

„Okay. Rll, standing rom his seat 
"I'm a Jet you set the price.” 

“Ain't you want to dicum i” 

Rollo his eyes empty hook his head. 

Day straightened his legs хо he could get 
а hand inside the pocket of his jeans, then. 
pulled out a roll of bills. He began to 
‘off notes, soundlessly counting with his 
When he was satisfied, he held the bills hat 
he had separated from the roll out to Rollo. 
That was when Rollo pulled a 9-millimeter 
Beretta from out of his dip. 

Rollo swung the heater fast and hard. Its 
barrel connected high on Day' cheek. A 
worm of blood appeared immediately beneath 
his eye socket. Day touched the wound, split 

wide, with Һі fingers. Rollo laughed. 

“Take the money, Sleepy." said Rollo, 
snicking back the hammer on the 9. "All 
a " 

1 went to Day and grabbed the money 
from each of his hands. 1 was excited, 1 got 
to admit. 1 had never robbed no one. 

Pat had stood up and backed away. The 
color had drained out his face. 


Rollo picked up the Baggie off the cable- 
spool table, rescaled and rolled it, and 
stuffed it into the pocket of his jeans. 

“Мон you gonna take that too,” said Day 
ina low voice. He was trying not to сту. Не 
looked small on that couch. "You not gonna 
leave me anything?” 

"Leave you with your life,” said Rollo. 
Не cased the trigger down and holstered 
the Beretta behind his back. He pulled his 
Shirttail out to cover it and said, "Lets go. 

We were out of that building quick. 

On the way to the Marquis, Pat said, 
"Why you do that, Rollo?” 

Rollo shrugged and said, "That little 
muthafucka just aggravate me, ma 

"Bad for business,” said Pat. He was still 
real nervous, you could tell. "I'm sayin’ if 
‘gets around. 

"Day ain't gonna say shit to anybody" said 
Rollo, "Day's а bitch.” 

When we got into the downtown area of 
where we lived, where they got the restau- 


rants, pawi and movie theaters and 
shit, we saw lights flashing behind us and 
heard the burst of a siren. We were being 


pulled over by the la 

Rollo cut the Mercury 10 the curb and 
Ailled the engine. He put the gun under the 
seat. He handed me the bag of weed and 1 
laid it up under the dash where he had a 
small space for it in а cradle of wires. 

“They ju gonna alt to ws,” said Rollo. 
cl be , 


But the police officers in the patrol vehicle 
didn't get out and approach our car. They 
sat where they were and waited, and soon 
many other squad cars, their light bars afire, 
began to appear (rom different directions. 
Several uni officers came upon us 
then, their weapons drawn. They screamed 
at us and ordered us out of the car, telling us 
to keep our hands raised, and then we were 
pushed down on the ground and culled with 
plastic bands. 

Day had called 911 on us. 1 couldn't 
believe it. You always left the police out your 
business. 1 mean, that shit was just not done. 

Тһе officers found the weed. They found 
the gun. 

Lying facedown on the street beside me, 

Pat say, “Mom.” 

All of us were arrested and spent the 
night in the county lockup. We were changed 
‘rth drug pos wina. unlawful men of 
а firearm and using a firearm in the com- 
‘mission of felony robbery. Me and Pat were 
18,50 we were charged as adults The felony 
gun charge carried a five-year mandatory 
sentence if we were convicted of it. Because 
‘of the gun thing, the commissioner set our 
bails high. Rollo stayed in jail several days 
vedi supper bled Mis ut wi drg 
money. My mother got a bond somehow. 
Pars mom, Miss Mary, had to put her house 
up for collateral to get him released. 

1 was assigned a public defender. When 
1 saw how young he was, and his cheap suit 
and wrinkled shirt, 1 knew I was in trou- 
Ме. Rollo had his expensive lawyer who he 
was more and more in debt to by the day. 1 
heard from this fellah 1 knew that Pat had 
got some well-known criminal defense auor- 
ney in the county, a man Miss Mary knew 
from ber church. 


SPOIL 
HER 


this Christmas! 
Sm hera 
а ата 
Sram 


Оюн кол лањо ot great eyes 
ach greens tuf esco ой расаду 
sese wh FREE eras sre 1 ove 


It's a gift you'll both love! 
1.800.GIVE.PJS 
PajamaGram.com 


139 


PLAYBOY 


мо 


1 say “I heard" because I had not spoke 
to Pat since the night of the arrest. Well, 
not more than a few words. Once we were 
released, I had called him on his cell 

"Can't speak to you, Sleepy.” said Pat. “My 
lawyer says we shouldn't be talkin to each 
other. ‘Specially not on a cell. Could be our 
phones are tapped. 

“What are you gonna do?" 

“Huh?” 

"You ain't give no statement or nothin’, 
did you?” 

"Nah, тап...” 

“Did you?" 

ризм. “арав go? and the cell connec- 
tion went dead. 

That was our conversation. He sounded 


scared. 
passed and nothing happened. That 
is how these things go. You get charged and 
then you wait, We didn't even have а trial 
date. But I couldn't relax. Personally, I felt 
that T was in a tight spot. 1 wasn't gonna 
cut no deal with anybody, “cause that meant 
1 had to roll over on my boys. And yet, I 
didn't trust my rookie lawyer to make a good 
саве for me at a jury trial. 1 could do prison 
for a short stay, but 1 didn't know if could 
do the full nickel. 
‘One day 1 saw Rollo out on the street, sit 


ting curbside in his idling Tid into 
"he shotgun seat and d up. Rollo 
had that skunky smell on him. He had been 


getting his head up. but his high had not 
taken him toa good place, His face said grim. 


“What you think, Sleepy?” 

1 knew he was talking about our chances. 
71 don't know.” 

7 need money.” said Rollo. “My lawyer's 
conin’ me. My man put up my Бай and 1 
‘owe him big too. What 1 got to do is, 1 got to 
be back in busines хо I can get in the fow.” 

“You can’t do that now.” 
know it. But 1 can’t get back to doin’ 
what 1 do best if Fm incarcerated.” 

“Maybe we'll walk. If Day don't show up 
to tesify, they got no case.” 

"Tm tryin’ to take care of that. What I'm 
stressed on is Pat. If he Пір» on us” 

“Pat's my 
тп sayin’ if he does testify against us, to 
keep his self out of the joint 

“He wouldn't, Hell stand tall” 

“Okay,” said Rollo, looking at me full for 
the first time, his eyes flat and waxed. “I'm 
bringin’ it up, is ай” 

“Pat's straight.” 1 saki. but my voice sounded 
weak, like 1 didn't believe my own words. 
Rollo had put a cold seed in my stomach. 

Not long after, 1 was walking through the. 
business district of our neighborhood, when 
saw Pat, Miss Mary and their attorney, 
slick-looking dude in sittin 
the loc coffeehouse ata window ade table 
Pat had grown his hair out some, which 
made him look less hard. He was wearing 
khaki pants and a blue button-down shirt 
He looked like one of those prep school 
boys the two of us had hated оп all our 
lives. He was smiling. 1 моод on the street, 


"Hey, Doug. Үнді never guess what, on the first day of Christmas, 
my true love gave to me." 


watching him. It was September, still warm 
өш. But fet cold. 

Later in the evening I tried to phone his 
cel but he dit pick up. He had caller ID, 
and he knew it was me. It was plain to me 
that he didn’t want to talk to me no more. 1 
got the feeling that, far as he was concerned, 
we were through. 

He was coming home from work, this 
hardware store they got downtown, the next 
time 1 saw him. This was in November. Не 
was on foot, Since our arrest he had gotten a 
job, his first. Under his North Face fleece he 
was wearing a red shirt with the store logo 
‘on the front of it and he had his head down, 
his arms pumping at his side, the way he 
had ala, since we was kids. I had 
gone to he wore earlier sn the day, looked 
through the plate glass that fronted it and 
seen him in there, talking to a customer. 1 
figured he was on till closing ing And 1 base 
the way he'd walk home after he got off 
Through that alley that cuts down toward. 
his mother's house. 

T was sitting beside Rollo, who was under 
the wheel of his In the backseat 
was JoJo, this man Rollo knew from where 
he grew up, in the housing units 
the city. Jojo had been in lockup for a time, 
but he was home now. Me and Pat had got 
smoked up with him before a while back 

When Pat saw Rollo s car in the shadows 
of the alley, he topped walking. Не din 
back up or nothin like that. But he didn't 
‘come forward neither. 

“Fellahs,” he said with that easy smile of 
his. Like he had done no one dirt. 

“Whitin” on you,” 1 said, leaning out the 
window. “Lets get our heads up, man." 

TER ir "put сілі be drop- 

ing positive hey make me 
ИИ 
meaning this drink 1 got up the health 
store that could erase the marijuana in your 
urine. Pat knew what И was. He had told me 
about it originally. 

“I better not.” 

"Come on and visit, son,” said Rollo, his 
booming voice coming genial from imide 

22 

Pat shook his head, relaxed his shoulders 


and walked to the Marquis, He got in the 
backseat, next to JoJo. Pat recognized him 
and they pounded быз. 
“How aid Jojo, ы 
БИЛЭГТ 


know what that's like." 
„Мо гешу” sald Jojo, and everyone 
“You been all right?" said Rollo, looking. 
in the rearview, 
Та straight,” said Pat, 


Nothin to report?” 
“Му lawyer said 1 ain't supposed to talk 
аен шрны 
“Uh-huh.” 


a listen to my lawyer,” said Pat 
Right,” said Rollo. "You should. 1 guess 
what I'm askin’ is, though, have you heard 
anything about our chances? "Cause попе 
of us have heard shit.” 
don't know any more than y'all do," 
said Pat with a shrug. 

Looking at him, knowing him as long as 
1 did, 1 almost believed him. 


“Thought you guys had some pieces,” 
said Pat. 

"I got some bud will make your dick 
hard,” said Jojo. 

“We can't smoke ісіп my сас though,” said 
Rollo. "1 ain't tryin’ to get pulled over again” 

“I heard that," said Pat 

"Let's go over to the school,” said. 

Rollo pulled down on the transmission. 
arm and gave the Mercury gas. We rolled 
down the alley with the lights off until we 
hit the main road. 

Jt wa fal night. Rollo parked in the lot 
of a garden-style apartment building. We 
looked around, sav no one and got out of 
the car and crossed the street, We passed 
under a lamp and then into shadows. Then 
we went up a grassy hill covered in fallen 
leaves and into the woods that bordered the 
elementary school where me and Pat had 
gone to kindergarten and beyond. 

Tn the woods it was plenty dark. There 
was not much of a moon overhead, but 
‘our eyes adjusted quick. The branches of 
the trees were damn near bare. JoJo had 
freaked a Black & Mild with his weed and 
he lit it from a Bic and passed it around. 
It wast ong before we got up on Jojo 
hydro. We started laughing and stuff. Pat got 
to giggling, ke he did when he got blazed 

“Hey, Sleepy.” said Pat. "You remember 
that time, in elementary, when we got up on 
чаре and did thar song” 

“Neah,” I said. 

"Kris Krom,” кый Ри, blowing of the embers 
‘of the blunt. "What happened to them?” 

“They grew up,” 1 said. 

“We were wearing bow ties, man,” said 
Pat, "My mom was there, watching us. Vou 
was 100. Remember?” 

71 do,” My voice cracked some when 1 
мій it. The branches above us were like 
black arms, Rollo nodded his head, just a 
lile, Pat didn't notice, but 1 did. 

“We were kids,” said Pat, as if in wonder. 

JoJo shot Pat in the back of the head. Pat 
said "Uh" and fell forward. His blood, like 
‘one of them ink drawings, bloomed in the 
hight There wet no gunshot sound. Jojo 
had one of those screwed into 
barrel of his heater. He was a professional 
He owed Rollo a favor and now his debt was 
‘erased, Rollo put another one into Pars head 
“and we walked real quiet out the woods. 

Days later, at the funeral home, there was 
police in vans, taking pictures from out in 
the lot. It was an old scheme of theirs, try- 
ing to see if the killer would show up at the 
viewing for bb victim. had 

n questioned right away, but they had 
nothing. What they needed was a weapon 
оға witness. The gun was gone forever, and 
we damn sure wasn't gonna talk, 50 on the 
murder they had no case, 

lt was a big turnout for Pat, kids from our 
high school, relatives, people from the Sulli- 
vans church. Miss Mary was in the viewing 
тоот, standing by Pat's casket. I avoided her 
at first, but I had to go up there. Pat did not 
look as bad as 1 thought he would. They had 
done a good job on him with makeup and. 
shit. He was wearing a suit 

1 stood before Miss Mary. stepped into 
her arms and gave her a hug. She looked 
wasted, her skin the color of putty. Нег hair 


was tangled and. was uneven on her 
mouth. She stood back from me and took 
my hand and squeezed it. 


кн 

EEE ee ig 
ی‎ ge bea Ba 

"NT a ri ona 
tnd a 

15 oui paie me someto 
she said. 

71 don't want any retribution for this. 1 
don't want another young man to die. 
don't want you or your friends to тш 


Funny thing is, | don't even know for sure 
И Pat was gonna бїр. It might not have mat- 
tered, because Rollo had been right ай along 
about Day. He turned out to be a straight 


— HÀ 
cet amd rd Бау ag ar 
rn 
Pele یس‎ ct 
courtroom free. Rollo got a little bit of time. 
AS 
eb Ta ae Le 
soy a Se rn 
تس تم لت سم‎ 
اس تنس‎ es 
دسج‎ 

مج 
سس[ 
and 1 did not like the look he had in hi‏ 
eyes. In case something happens to me,‏ 
کاس سر سل — 
in this thing. The truth is, 1 got no deep‏ 
С‏ 
КЕНЕ‏ 
Сыры‏ 


Prom the short story collection The Martini 
‘Shot 1 be published this month by Lille, Brown 
‘and Company 


“Now, Mr. Rafferty, what about this head you wanted to give me?” 


PLAYBOY 


12 


THE TOUGHEST LAWYER IN AMERICA 


Continued from page 70 


main objective is to make money, and in a 
world in which status is largely measured 
by көні suem би mont оти ы ие. 
егіп America is not a corporate 

[ "сообу Tvoahoer a term he both 
raises and blanches at—who is determined 
to bring the mighty to justice. In that 
vein, he recall 

Hay-Adams Hi 
House, with legendary Nazi hunter Simon 
Wiesenthal just as Hausfeld was embarking 
‘on his campaign against the Swiss banks. 
Wiesenthal told him, "Michael, always re- 
member: Don't let the momen [Yiddish for 
bastards”) rest.” He hasn't, The question is 
why: Why has Michael Hausfeld dedicated 
his life to bedeviling the momzers when so 


few other attorneys 

. 
H didn’t start out that way. It started out 
in Brooklyn, where H was born in 


1946 to a lower-middle-class Orthodox 
(сез family His fher had escaped Po- 

nd in his 20s, shortly after the Май inva- 
sion, and arrived in New York on the lat 
boat out of Europe before the U-2 bloc 
ade. Two brothers had preceded him, and 


another came with him. But a fifth brother, 
Michael David, stayed behind with the rest 
of the family. Michael David, Hausfeld's 
namesake, was rounded up and shot in 
the woods by the Nazis. The other Polish 
Hausfelds disappeared into the Holocaust 
Hausfeld says his father never spoke of 
his time in Poland or of the Holocaust. Не 
worked as а furrier in Manhattan's gar- 
ment district, where Michael assisted him 
оп weekends from the time he was eight 
years old. It wasn't Michael's only 
‘ibility. His maternal grandfather suf- 
fered a stroke, and Michael, as the oldest 
of three children, was charged with living 
with and caring for him—at first in a sepa- 
хөх эриди und мек эме ساب‎ 
cents moved to. in his own. 
Toom. This lated from the time Michael 
was eight until be was 16, when his 
Ther died. And even that was not the last 
of his duties. One brother was eight and 
a half years younger, and Michael 
his babyaimer, even dragging him along 
‘on dates when Michael was a teenager be- 
Cause there was no place to leave him. 
Hausfeld describes his youthful sel as a 
“nerd extraordinaire” who carried a brief- 
‘eave to school and wore a pocket 
In his shir Не didnt grow w ی‎ 
нь. wanted him to be a 
tector, und he had a Bir for science, 
when Hausfeld was in middle school, he 
and a partner made an analog computer 
for the New York State Science Fair; as it 
turned out, the computer failed to func- 
tion just as the judges came by. So Hausfeld 
vamped, telling the judges how the com- 
بسا‎ oon of do карасы kim org 
that one of the judges told him, “Forget 
science. You should go into law." It turned. 
‘out to be fateful 
He had superb verbal skill and a quick 
the debate team 
school where he dreamed of 


Princeton, though his parents could only 
afford Brooklyn , which was free. 
In the summer after his high school grad- 
ation, a friend and he planned a motor- 
суде trip across the country. His father 
wanted to know why. "So 1 can find my- 
self,” he said. His father clamped his hands 
on Michael's shoulders and told him, "1 
found you. You're right here." And that 
was the end of the tri. 

He didn’t find himself in college either. Не 
was something of a grind—a straight-A stu- 
dent studying political science and Russian 
history. It was the 1960s, a time of campus 
radical, but he future р amet 

his Friday 


H 
p 


ink thing, just 


as he does now, so 
edid poorly on the LSAT: the tandardied 
өн school entrance exam, and was rejected 
by every one of the 10 law schools to which 


hed ‘sive one: George Washington 
Uni here he was warned he would 
have to work hard to 

In fact, he was a natural. At GW Law, 


Hausfeld was хий the kid who wore a suit 
to class every day, but he was also the kid 
who kept peppering the professors with 
questione нар questions” one of his 
said, until the fellow discovered 
that Hausfeld was one of the top students 
in the class. But what intrigued Hausfeld 
‘even then was not just the nuts and bolts 
‘of law; it was the distance between law and 
principle. He says that when fellow students 
‘would compare answers and crow after an 
‘exam, he would think, "That's not what 1 
wrote... So 1 saw things differently" What 
be saw was that the written law often had to 
be stretched to fi the higher principles of 
DH 


Although Hausfeld is known as 
‘crusader, it's not always es 


EL 
EI 
او تست‎ кү. 


dir domeni policy ad visor 


cial envoy recruit 


slave labor reparations cases, once wi 
“Hausfeld could be sweetness and light at 
one moment and anger and darkness the 
next." Others have described him as being 
known as difficult, One judge called him a 
“bulldog” in the courtroom after Hausfeld 
had joked with a witness and then, having 
disarmed him, suddenly pummeled him 
with penetrating questions. There were 
also tales of Hausfeld in his younger days 
associates 

‘But that isnot the Hausfeld you see now. 
For one thing, he has undergone a phy 
cal transformation. The youn 
A er E 
period in his early career when he grew 
‘out his hair, sprouted a beard and wore 
aviator glasses and loud, baggy suits. The 
older Hausfeld hasn't aged, despite the loss 
‘of that hair. зо much as he has been puri- 
fied. He is thin to the point of being gaunt. 
His skin is like parchment, his eyes a very 
pale blue, his features delicately handsome, 


And there is his demeanor, which is regal. If 
he was once a yeller, he isnt anymore. His 
manner is preternaturally calm and delib- 
erate. The word that comes to mind is im- 
peccable. His words are impeccably chosen, 
his gestures are impeccably economical, his 
пайз are i manicured, his 

are impeccably silver-framed. He dresses 
impeccably in dark хийх and starched white 
shirts (he is color blind) so crisp the creases 
are like blades, and his impeccably matched 
ties bear an impeccably perfect dim 
You can understand why nts 

him formidable, because there is some- 
thing intimidating, even terrifying. in this 
quiet, self possessed, imperturbable, im- 
peccable man who is somewhere between 
а rabbi and a consigliere- You can sense, 
as Anthony Maton, the head of Hausfekd's 
London office, says, a "core of steel " 

He lives impeccably too. He gets up at 
six every morning and carpools to his of- 
fice, an airy warren of white cubicles that is 
every bit as quiet and dignified as its 
prictor. His own office, with floor 
windows overlooking K Street, is (аме, 
decorated with family photos of his wil 
and three grown children on shelves be- 
hind his large walnut desk and a framed 
quote from Holocaust survivor and Nobel 
laureate Elie Wiesel: “Indifference to evil is 
worse than evil” On the wall facing him is 


a large photograph of the Цасан Memo- 
к х from » photographer in 
‘Alaska during the Exon 


"The photo isa reminder of Нь firm's 
‘enterprise, Hausfeld admits, "If you want 
a firm just to make money, this is not neces 
sarily t." No doubt he is а millionaire many 
times over, but you would never know it. 
“He's not one of these trial with а 
$5,000 suit, slicked-back hair and lots of 
Ted 4i par hs cue menea 
years to hise 
ап actress who is as vivacious and voluble as 
Hausfeld is reserved and laconic. Не lives 
in the same modest house they bought in 
1975 in Fairfax, Virginia, and he 
added a foot to it since. For more than 30 
years he has gone to and from work in that 
carpool, Even hi suits are off 
ташы» 
مس‎ e erp ir 
years ago during one of his and Marilyn's 
yearly stays at the Pritikin Longevity Cen 
ter in Florida when the man 
about the fit of Hausfeld's clothes. He trav- 
els extensively—eight to 10 trips to Europe 
alone each year—but only for work. He 
drinks abstemiously—so little that when the 
officials of the countries he represented in 
the slave labor y case celebrated 
the settlement by toasting their capital wich 
[= ther gs of vodia, they да wo 
ing, they later admitted, to get Hausfe 
drunk. His closest friends are people he has 
known for years. His only indulgence is a 
‘country home in West Virginia. 
"That is because it was never about money 
for Hausfeld, or even glory. It was always 
about something else. 


When Hausfeld left law school, he 
a large firm, Arent, Fox, Kintner, 


very little in the law was black-and-white, 
бы боз e a bt of э ЗЫ тек 
there was potentially a lt of Пекіні 
Pr in ta 
іп more expansive ways. He learned he 
had lost his fervor for any kind of defense 
law" because he was always writing memos 
‘on how companies could avoid antitrust 
scrutiny, and he realized how much easier 
it was to maintain the status quo than to 
d it, as he wanted to do. And he 
that a staid defense firm such as 
Arent Fox wasn't going to put up with him 
for very Jong when he began to express 
some of the things he wanted to do. In fac, 


it put up with him for six months before 


giving him notice. 
But what a six months they were. In 
the midst of the civil rights movement and 
at the height of the Vietnam war, young 
sfeld—the long-haired, bearded, 


рейн ныб 
Doy had coded with the fashion indus- 
try to stop making miniskirts and begin 
making midi dresses instead, thus. 
ey ve еленіп ерсе pum 

I may have a 
риге FTC agreed хий hin. "Rete 
had to cat a lange inventory of dresses they 
‘could no longer sel,” Hausfeld says 

‘And then it ended. Faci 


‘earlier—an attorney who had not been in 
touch with him all that time. His name was 
Jerry Cohen, and Cohen asked if Hausfeld 
was still interested. A former marine, six- 
foot-five and broad shouldered with great, 
bushy black hair and an extroverted man- 
ner that matched his appearance, Cohen 
was a force of nature. He had been the 
chief of май for Michigan senator Philip 
Hart's subcommittee on antitrust and mo- 
таңын кон on ul каны 

antitrust law—suing companies 


li E a 
the law Hausfeld wanted to practice. When 
he accepted Cohen's offer after Cohen had 
already called the Michigan firm to tell 
them he needed Hausfeld more than they 
did, Hausfeld began the most i 

a IE important 


"een Jean О senior, Cohen 
became his his friend and his 

ther figure. He also became Hausfeld’s 
facilitator, All the wild cases that Arent 
Fox had discouraged, Cohen encour- 
aged. More important, Cohen, who shared 
Mausfeld's sense of injustice, was willing 
to use his successful antitrust practice to 


finance Hausfeld's socal Justice crusades 
That was the whole дса, They were quic 


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PLAYBOY 


sting pair to see—the hulking, 
animated Cohen and the tiny, reserved 
Hausfeld—though they were kindred spir 
its, peas in a pod. 

The duo knew they were condescended 
to by the so-called white-shoe law firms 
whose attorneys came from Harvard and 
Yale, while Hausfeld came from Brooklyn 
College and GW, and Cohen c athe 
blue-collar city of Has A. adjacent to 
Detroit, and Wayne State University Law 
School. “There was always the sense that 
we didn't have the pedi Hausfeld 
says. He remembers standing around with 
Cohen and some of those upscal эх 

September day when the white shoes 
yg about where they were put 
с boats for the winter, the 
Cohe 
y hey w 
Hausfeld mused for a 

‘out of the 


is, case in which he represented not just 
one plaintiff but a whole class of plaintiff 
He won, though it cost him his beard and 
long hair when the judge called him into 
"You sound very rea 
look like Jesus Christ.” 
Hausfeld took the hint. After he won the 
D.C. police case, he was approached by a 
former Department of Justice employee 
named Diane Williams, a young single 
mother who was loo 
One of Williams's supe 
making sexual advances toward her, and 
when she rejected them, he fired h 


of sexual harass 
ridiculed by others in the bar for bring: 
case. Still, Hausfeld felt it was an 
violation of Title VII of the Civil 
Rights Act, whi cd employ 


said, the "lawyer of last resort.” And most 
of the cases were from people who would 
have been overlooked by the legal system if 
it weren't for Hausfeld—the poor, the disen 
franchised, wo cs. Cohen 
would occasionally answer the phone, then 
hand it to Hausfeld. When Hausfeld asked 
who it was, Cohen would say, "I don't know, 
but they don't speak English, so it has to be 
for you.” Hausfeld was ecstatic 

But eventually he felt trapped even in 
Cohen's firm, which his friend owned with 
another senior partner. In 1978, Hausfeld 


and mi 


says, he cajoled Cohen and yet an 
partner, Herbert Milstein, into ۷ 
and forming a new firm with him: Cohen, 
Milstein, Hausfeld, It was a huge gamble, 
Cohen's senior par of the ch 

jusfeld con. 


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twins, one a valedictorian, to change their 
high school graduation ceremony in Fairfax 
County, Virginia from a Saturday so they 
could attend. He lost, then worshipped 
at services with them on their graduation 
day, Two weeks later, the county decided to. 
move future graduations to a weekday. "In 


Nearly every 
firm had went to subsidize the 
cases. "There were years Mar 
and Jerry were living hand-to- 
mouth," he recalls. "There literally wasn’t 
any money.” And it wasn’t just money that 
made things difficult. There were the cases 
that broke his After getting a call 
from a group who had been so-called com. 
fort women—Asians who were enslaved as 

World 


after the war as pariahs—Hausfeld took up 
the cause. This time he even lobbied the 
American government to intervene diplo- 
‘matically, but to no avail. You can hear the 
disappoim voice. He calls the 


gent defendant he has ever faced. 
ime Cohen, Milstein, Hausfeld 
have its tr 


whether farm could 
be polluting their water and making their 
dren sick. One Sunday morning he took 

a stroll to where a few 
that there was a much bigger. 
the public knew. Hausfeld 
took the case and won a settlement, which. 
was unprecedented at the time 
чи was only the begin 


to discuss a complan 
Roberts worked for Texaco as a senior f, 
nancial analyst. Her superiors praised her 
they did not promote her be 
M them confessed, they thought 
“uppity.” Roberts arrived at the 
inescapable conclu 
workers with wh 
were being denied promotions because 


Hausfeld 
nearly a year—he always does—then filed 
a suit on Roberts's behalf. Texaco fought 
them “tooth and пай,” Hausfeld says. He 
realized something was grievously wrong 
when one of the company's outside cou 

sels told him, "What do you want us 


кез for 


It didn’t take long for him to 
Hausfeld says he got a call from an attor- 
ney representing a disgruntled Texaco 
employee, and the lawyer offered him 
tapes of Texaco executives making racially 
insensitive remarks. (A Hausfeld associate 
later said Hausfeld was obsessive about get. 
those tapes, screaming at him at one 
point, “If you don't get me those fucking 
tapes, this case is going to go on for 
other 10 усағы?) As it turned out, New York 


Times reporter Kurt Eichenwald had also 
been alerted about the tapes and begged 
Hausfeld to share them. Hausfeld said he 
did so reluctantly, though critics have ac- 
cused Hausfeld of doctoring or misinter- 
preting them, then tricking the Times into 
publishing the transcripts. He claims both 
he and the Time subjected them to expert 
analysis and came to the same conclusion: 
The Texaco executives were closet racist. 
In any case, once excerpts of the tran- 
scripts were printed, the suit exploded. 
Texaco couldn't settle quickly enough. The 
plaintiffs received $176 million. Moreover, 
at Hausfeld's insistence, Texaco agreed to 
hire an outside ombudsman to oversee the. 
company's hiring practices. That set an- 
other precedent 


It was over the € һа 
1995. while Hausfeld was on vac 
Alaska with his family that he got word 
Jerry Cohen had dropped dead of a 
heart attack in Sun Valley, Idaho, and 
a huge hole opened in Hausfeld’ Ше. 
He filed и with a case. Years earlier, һе 
and a dove anorney friend, Ma 
delsohn. M 
Jewish 
mer C 
Andrija Artukovi, 
of ihe Balkans, who had been a Nazi pup 
the var, Since members of the 
asco ter 
were will alive, this w 
the only time he feared his Ше might be 
Now Mendelchn aj 

daring gambh to help. 

سس اس | 


Nobody gave us a chance of recover 
ing“ Hausfeld ays, But he loched hiel 
his conference room with sacks of books, 
including transcripts of the. Nuremberg 
war crime trials, and with all the documen: 
tat researcher had gathered, and 
spent weeks, eight to 10 hours a day, read. 
through all of it before filing his co 
hich added complici 
pod measure. The 
d the president 
publicly fulminated. When one attorney 
asked Hausfeld how much he was looking 
settlement and Hausfeld said, “At 
the man sputtered, 
Hausfeld got his clients their 
billion. He took no fee for the case, and he 
is furious with the attorneys who did. 
“Once we started the Swiss case,” he 
says, “it opened the floodgates.” And that 
labor reparations case 
Mendelsohn, his eventual co counsel. 
told him he was crazy to sue the German 
government and prominent German com. 
panies on behalf of millions of people the 
Nazis had conscripted for their factories 
and fields. But Hausfeld had a plan, a wild 
plan, and he took it по the Polish ambasa- 
dor to the Unis "Let's see if 1 get 
this straight," sador asked. "You 
want the five Eastern European countries. 
that were occupied by Germany, which 


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LI 


now dominates the postwar economies of 
those countries, to band together to pur- 
sue reparations?” He paused. “1 like it!” 
Hausfeld not only got a $5.14 billion settle- 
ment, but he enlisted a prominent Ger- 
тап historian to force the government to 
E its complicity not just for the 
Holocaust би for enlaving milicos more, 
Jew and non Jew. Hausfeld called the ser: 
tement the apex of his career. 
Then came the nadir. 
۰ 

Alter Jerry Cohen's death, nothing was 
ever the same at Cohen, Milstein, Hausfeld. 
"E was alone,” is how Hausfeld describes it. 
He remained the firm's chief breadwit 
ner with his antitrust cases, but most of the 
remaining didn't share his aral 
for social justice or his interest in rewrit- 
ing the law. The animosity simmered un- 
til Hausfeld began to push for a London 
branch of the firm to pursue his cause of 
bringing classaction suits to the European 
Union, where the courts had not recog- 
nized them—a pursuit based in part on his 


Tear that an h conservative judi 
Gary would gut مان‎ antitrust suits in 
the US. The reluctantly agreed, 


spending millon on the new office, but 
the European courts were not immedi- 
ately receptive to Hausfeld's cause. And 
that's when the simmer among the part- 
ners turned to a boil. They derided him. 
He derided them. "1 lost it every once in а 
the animen: | uns angry a he ere. 

animosity. 1 was angry at Y 
Twas angry at the cowardice.” 

‘As the warfare dragged on, Hausfeld 
approached his partners about negoti- 
‘ating an amicable separation. Instead, 
Hausfeld's adversaries essentially 
a fast one, which showed how much they 
had come to resent him. Meeting clandes- 
tinely, they unilaterally reduced Наме» 
share of ion from 28.95 percent 
to 14 percent and that of another part- 
ner and Hausfeld ally by enough to push 
their combined shares below the 33.3 per- 


cent threshold that would have allowed 
Hausfeld and his supporters to block his 
termination. And having rejggered the 
shares, the partners fred him the next day, 
November 6, 2008, by placing a note on 
his chair, after 37 years, and. him 
to leave the building immediately or be ar- 
rested for i 

Hausfeld thinks the must have 
thought he would retire quietly, but that 
сай shams how lite they understood him. 
Social justice isn'ta job for Hausfeld. It is a 
ORIS ery linings ich 
us to the whys of Гу commitment. 
‘One of those то doubt is his 
family's destruction by the Nazis. Another, 
he says, came from maturing in the 1960s, 
‘when he saw а “lot of inequities.” and his 
realization that his father's motto, "Love 
everybody and everybody will love you, 
simply wasn't true. ls 
Perhaps more important were the per- 
sonal realizations. He remembers a psy- 


contfomted by lege groupa vill no! sand 
by their convictions. From that point on, 
Hausfeld 


of rectitude ina 
“нт matter much. He would be different. 

And among those wellsprings are 
wounds that surface in a comment one of 


a totem pole, and everywhere there i 
Bone ba the bonom Hankid кесі 


park that had been contaminated by 
chemicals, Shell's counsel asked snceringly, 


ше bells, jiggle bells, jiggle all the way..." 


"How much do you want us to pay trailer 
park people?” just ae he hated it when 
lexaco's executives had called Hausfeld's 
black clients "porch monkeys," or when 
the lawyers at the top of the totem pole 
would laugh at him for his strange legal 
theories. It hurt. But it also helped him 
identify with the others at the bottom of 
that totem pole. He had been there him- 
self. In some ways, he admits, he still ir 
SM Ba Were win he Ie Langue 
"No matter how many times 
Feen Jelani мөн و‎ 
not used to. 'ughing at me.” 

So instead of retiring on that awful No- 
vember afternoon, Hausfeld walked im- 
mediately to a friendly law firm, Venable 
LLE and began strategizing to start а new 
firm. Within days, more than a dozen of 
his former associates from Cohen, Milstein, 
Hage теп com Шо لس‎ 
conference room, passing around the. 
computer with Adobe, sharing cell phones, 
tracking cases on large white sheets of pa- 
per and conducting business amid what 

"controlled chaos." 


‘one partner сай 
Haud conveyed his umal calm, but un- 
derneath he was terrified. To get a line of 
credit to set up an office and pay his attor- 
neys, he had to stake everything he owned 
as collateral. In a way, he was right back at 
the beginning: broke. 

Мом of the associates and partners say 
the unruly start of Hausfeld LLP was a 
bonding experience. Meanwhile, court 
awarded Hausfeld virtually ай the caes 
for which he was counsel at the old firm, 
and he quickly started getting new ones, 
including the NCAA ое, in which he suc 

ingued that the organization was 
سس‎ RE dented coon ud rer 
cudent athletes the rights 10 their own 
images—rights, thanks to Hausfeld, the 
court has now granted. Even his decade- 
Jong crusade to bring those plaintiff class- 
سم‎ EIU 
out, an ly expects the pi ю 
be established there soon, which would be 


a achievement. “People are defi- 
را‎ wanting ш o ме what were going 
о do next." says one partner. 
АЙ of this seems to have reenergized 
Hausfeld. His wife jokes that when she ге- 
minded him that no one on his deathbed 
ever said he wished he had spent more 
natal ona Tia krm b expanding ake 
one: is expandin 
London branch alone has doubled in the 
kr 
ing for new wrongs to right, though he says 
rucfully that no one has ever approached. 
him to see how Hausfeld LLP might serve 
as a model for other firms. So he must 
trudge n ibat lonely man of rectitude, 
when he might retire, he points to a 
Sii de paea ad ри me on lar 
"God put me on this cart 
te soap түре number of inge 
Right now, 1 am so far behind that 1 will 
never die.” That is close to a framed quote 
from Deuteronomy 16:20 one sees upon 
‘entering the adjacent conference room: 
JUSTICE, ONLY JUSTICE, SMALT THOU PURSUE- 


С Nein ~~ 
liday. > 可 


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PLAYBOY 


CHARLIE DAY 


there a lot of music in your home when 
you were growing up? 

Dav 1 remember a pile of records, and Т 
know I'm dating myself. I remember 1 
was really into the Al Jolson records-—you 
know, the most racist records of all; not 
the lyrics but the blackface makeup he 
wore. Somehow I'd also gotten the Star 
Wars music, and 1 would put that on and. 
run around the house and pretend I was 
fighting people. Right now I'm into James 
Booker, a New Orleans jazz musician. Гуе 
been on a New Orleans jazz music kick. 
And 1 like mariachi 


relationship with the Waitress 
reflect your relationship with your wife? 
Pay h doesnt reflec нагай. | got my wife 
the day I met her. 


12 

Turin fen kas kaga oa for кенін 10 
Years. Its been called Seinfeld on crack, 
with episodes that address cannibalism, 
transgender people, crack addiction, lots 
of cancer, Is there anything that could 
‘come up in the writers’ room that would 
make “Whoa, too far"? 

Dar: No, not really. If you have a unique 
ойн of view or approach, you're able to 
getaway with subjecs that could, from an 
Sutside standpoint, be perceived as edgy. 
Some of the afe tragic or shock 
ing, but the characters are so self serving 
they're blind to what would be edgy, and 
that’s what's funny about it. During sea- 
son four, my character wries а musical 
called The Nightman Cometh. It's this elabo- 
rate marriage to the Waitress. 
The whole musical io a metaphor about 
a boy becoming a man, but the charac- 
ter بسا‎ real ul the ric sound lle 
they're about a little boy being rz 
‘There's nothing funny about thai Ia a 
parent; there's nothing funny at all about 
that. That a man is is to it because 
he thinks his work is great is what's funny. 


оз 
PLAYBOY. Do the characters have any kind 
‘of moral code? 


bay They have their weird moral codes 
when it serves them, and then they re quick 
to drop them. So the answer really is по. 


14 
тулувох Its one of the longest-running sit- 
coms on TV. Do you feel you've gotten the 
respect and attention you deserve? 
Dav. We don't get a lot of attention. Our 
fans have kept us on the air. The industry 
hasn't necessarily kept us ов the air and 
the pres hat necessarily kept the show 
air. We've never been on the cover 
аы We've never been 
nominated or even talked about on any of 
the awards shows. We're almost 
ignored by the Hi Post. For some 
reason we've never quite clicked into that 
‘mainstream. It's so crazy to me that every- 
where 1 go, I'm no longer a person who 
can just walk around and not be recog- 
nized, and 99 percent of the time it's be- 
cause of Sunny. 12% not Horrible Boses, and 
not Pacific Rim. Sometimes it's all that, 
but more often than not is people who 
just know and love Sunny. 


о 
mason And what are your feelin 
about that? 

bay lt makes me disgruntled. А New Yorker 
crit wrote a wonderful piece on the show 
last year, and it was really nice, maybe just 
to validate it іп my parents’ eyes. But con- 
standy seeing the Emmys and the Golden 


feel a litte bit like high school. I 
opt اسآ‎ Rs кіші 
party. That was my 
т 


ош 
marnor What was your childhood bed- 
room lihe? 
was wall-to-wall baseball posters 
loved Rickey Henderson трн 

up in New England and was a 

x fan, I көрніс fan of Richey 
Henderson. 1 dont know why 1 selected 
him. 1 think maybe when I was really 
[ran my grandmother gave me a bue 

‘card or a sticker or something 
was this guy Rickey Henderson. 
have dreams that Га meet him at the 
park and he would be like, “Hey, dude, 
you want to have a catch?” 1 loved Wade 
Bogg» too. We wrote a part for him on 
Sunny this year, and he came and did it. 
He was fantastic. Wade Boggs is a Hall of 
Fame third baseman for the Red Sox, and 
he would allegedly drink 50 to 100 beers 
on these cross-country trips its been 
backed up by his teammates. He told me 
i was something like 107. So we decided 
же would do an episode where we'd sce if 
ме could break his beer- record. 
He came in and. himself а hal- 
Iucination my character has. After we shot 
it 1 asked him if he wanted to have a catch, 
and so we had a catch. 1 had my catch with 
Wade Boggs, so it was pretty fun. 


от 
PLAYBOY: Many actors who do mostly or 


only comedy are also stand-ups. But 
you're not, Did you always know you 
wanted to do comedy? 

олу 1 did not always want to do com- 
edy. I started out at a place called the 
Williamstown Theatre Festival, and it 
was great. You did whatever, You did a 
drama, you did a comedy, you did what- 
ever you could get a role in. My career 
goal was to be like Al Pacino or Dustin 
Hoffman, people 1 saw doing amazing 
work in all sorts of different roles. They 
vere jus great actors. My fr gips, ip, aside 
from commercial work, were things like 
the junkie younger brother on Third 
Watch or Law & Order. 1 would always 
come close to gettin television 
comedies, but Í couldn't get over th 
hump. And then we made Sunny and 
just changed everything. I just wanted 
о act, so whatever opportunity came 
up first 1 would have done. I have never 
considered myself a comedian. I'm just 
an actor who can be funny. 


Qis 
riavsov After almost 10 years doing a 
show you have complete creative control 
over, you started to act in other people's 
movies. What is it like to have to do what 


you're told? 

mixed bag, On one hand, 
‘sometimes it's like a paid vacation for me 
because I don't have to stress about what 
the set looks like. It doesn’t fall on me. 
an amazingly cre- 
director, so with 


as a spectator and only 
about whether between “action” 


“eut” 1 did a good job. 


ng you wanted us 
to ask? Anything we haven't covered? 
DAY. It's over? 1 wanted to have my Gary 
‘Oldman moment. 


20 
mayo You want to get in the type of 
trouble he did when he said some con- 
troversial things in his Playboy Meri? 
Okay, You could get in something ani 
‘or racist under the wire. Or you 
could make strong case for a Mel G" 
son resurgence. Or maybe just say some- 
thing against unions. 
pav: Yeah, stupid unions ruining our 


country. [laughs] The truth is, I'm not 
smart eno have an opinion on 
those things. 17% funny, talking about 

¡ple you forgive for their talent, 1 was 
Jost back in RI land, and Woody 


Allen was shooting a movie. | love his 
movies зо much, Г wanted to just go to 
the set and be hte, "Hey, you Know Pin 
a guy who's in the business.” Most likely 
Woody Alen would have said, “1 have 
never seen It's Always Sunny in Philadel- 
hia." and that would have killed me, so 
Tavoided it. 


MISSION OUT OF CONTROL 


they became immediately drenched and 
Y could see through them like 
М six ем. 1 went outside 
Wingo to pick me up for dinner. 1 sat on 
the front concrete steps and stared at the. 
square little lawn that had no grass, just 
hard-packed dirt. A ceramic snail was 
stuck in the dirt, along with a plastic zebra 
striped parrot, the parrot tilting over as 
if dying. 1 felt as though 1 were in an ері 
sode of The Twilight Zone. Everything was 
preserved in aspic like 


space aliens in formaldehyde 
‘Wingo and I drove to an Italian restau 
rant in his SUV. He drove like a madman, 
weaving in and out of traffic 
th s as he talked. Н 
his crew was idealistic, yet they believed in. 
the reality of space, "The lunar community 
is obsessed with Mars," he said, "and the 
ong and Buzz 


has sequestered 
51 is the U.S. Air Force's 


so secret, planes ан 
Is like a black hole in the sky and the. 
ground whose existence the government 
has denied for years.) He said, "We're 
ot like those UFO conspiracy guys. They 
don't want to know the truth about space 
and destroy their fantasies. If NASA knew 
there were UFOs they'd tell everyone so. 
they'd get money” But he admitted he 
liked space movies and TV shows. His fa 
vorite was Star Trek, He looked across at 
sed. "The kids used to call 
he said, "because I have a 
pointy ear.” He grabbed his left ear with 
his thumb and forefinger an 
ward to show me its litte poin 
During dinner Wingo told me about his 
life. He was born and raised in rural Ala 
bama, "just a rednecked kid who thought 
а bagel was a Jewish McDonald's." He was 
sickly as a boy, and hi 
No sports, lots of sick days. " 
‘outside, зо 1 read the encyclopedia," he 
said. "When I got outside I looked for fos 
sils in the woods.” 
He first became aware of space and rock 
ets when he was four and China exploded 
first nuclear bomb. The radiation fall 
ош was supposed to reach Alabama dur 
ing a snowstorm, and all the kids were 


warned not to eat the snow. "What's the 
bomb, I wondered,” he said. When he was 
six his uncle took him to Cape Canaveral, 
where he saw the Gemini 12 launch, “I fell 
in love with space and the future,” he said. 
"I thought, You can go to the moon, My 
new heroes became George Wallace, Bear 
Bryant and Wernher von Braun, who 
helped build the Saturn 5 in Huntsville. 
We called it the Redneck Rocket Ship." 

By the time he was a teen, in the 1970s, 
Wingo had also fallen in love with sex, 
drugs and rock and roll. He hung out in 
biker bars because that's where the action 
was. "I dated loose women,” he said. “One 
of them was the prostitute Jimmy Swaggart 
was caught with. She was 35. 1 was 17.” He 
smiled at me. "Then, when 1 got my degree 

the U 

Huntsville, earned there were 
a lot of space groupies out there.” 1 looked. 
confused. He grinned and pointed to his 
head. * some women 
elligence is just as much an aphrodisiac 
money, power and rock and roll 

№ ШАН he worked on a nu 


spaceships would need less fuel to go from 
Mars than they would if they 
T thought we'd go to Mars 


the n 
left from E 
in the 1980s 
the 


20 years, but after all the r 
the Russians drop н. the govern: 
и decided to spend its space money 

stupid shit rather than Mars.” 

than 40 years later, the posibili 
nizing Mars is at least 40 years away, and 
‘Wingo is afraid he won't see that momes 
So what drives him to keep going? 


What I'm doing now at Skye 
шу credibility for future commerc 
ec, ike building a satellite и 
of 
to be stro 
cape ou 
w can be lighter, cheaper and need less fuel.” 
his brand, Wingo chose to put 
p ina McDonald's and not ina NASA 
shop, his other option. “McDonald's 
destroys ай и nts when it decom: 
missions them," he said. "But NASA owned. 
‘one and gave it to us. 17% an American 
icon. Being in McDonald's has given us a 
ton of media play.” 

1 returned to Building 19 at nine ru. 1 
asked the woman at the desk if she would 
do me a favor. "But I'm doing my paper 
work now” she said, flustered. "It will 
only take a second,” 1 said. "Could you 
just go online to check Delta lights from 
San Jose to Atlanta?” She looked up at me. 
“Oh, 1 can't do that. I'm forbidden to go 
online." "By whom?” 1 asked. She said, 
"By NASA, of course." 


Take her higher this holiday. 


PLAYBOY 


150 


Cowing fluttered into MeMoon's and went 
straight to his computer. I went over and 
S eo Не var ling t Rami whe 
he stared at lines and lines of numbers on 
his computer screen. I said hello again. 1 
waited. Nothing. Five, six minutes 
Finally he noticed me. “What?” he said. 
Cowing has a reputation. His website, 
NASA Watch, has been described as “noto- 
: notoriety rests on his habit 
berating anyone—NASA, 
re community— 
re assump- 


Congress, the 
who dares challenge 
tions. If Cowing claimed the moon was 
made of green cheese and NASA refuted 
hhim, he would attack NASA as viciously 


as a predatory bird would a squirrel. Не 
is, afterall, according to his personal web- 
, "webmaster, astrobiologist, journal- 
ist, former rocket scientist and recovering 
ex-cvil servant,” He describes himself as 
а "space nut,” which may be one word too 
‘many. Cowing fell in love with space in the 
1960 when he saw with his own eyes that 
travel was real, not a movie. In the 

1940s and 1950s space movies were comi- 
cally science fiction, Buck Rogers and his 
litle gray football shaped spacecraft wob- 
bling стом а black screen with a barely 
visible string tugging it along. Cowing was 
] im his belief in the 19004 
that men landed on the moon and not in 
а movie studio as some conspiracy-minded 
debunkers had claimed. He was, from the 
age of five, always а true believer. Now he 
might be called an obsessive 

Гай ЛЫ 09 э мй Tu эни фри» 
tions." Не yawned at me, tapped his 
oth with the ar of his hand and went 
back to his numbers. 

‚Just then Wingo entered, trailed by 
group of young admirers, nerdy looking 
College kids for whom he is the pied piper 


of space. He led them around McMoon's 


р the equipment, talking to them 
Жон سک‎ Story dee: They arundo 
him with rapt attention and beatific smiles 
1 saw Woodman at his looking at 
the lide so 1 went over to im. 
“Dennis's tour is the most popular tour at 
NASA.” Woodman said. "It’s real. Its some- 
thing these kids can envision themselves do- 
ing.” Woodman had joined Skycorp a few 
months earlier because Wingo had given 
him “this crazy. ишу to 
unravel the mysteries of the future.” Sky- 
corp is an avocation for Woodman. It has 
given him something to be a part of 71 was 
а loner, shy as а kid,” he said. “I didn't fit 
in. 1 never had a place I could latch on to. 1 
never married. 1 had trouble with relation- 
ships." His father died when he was six and 
his mother raised five kids by herself. When 
he was old enough he would go ip Mollet 
Field, the airbase at NASA, and watch the 
submarine-hunting planes take off and 
land. The sub hunters are gone now, and 
о is Moffett Field, but they left a basting im- 


the University of Texas and got his master’s 
in aerospace engineeri 

T wanted to explore the u he 

said. “I'm fascinated by mysteries. Work- 

ing in aerospace gave me a link to that 

unknown. И all about playing around 

with things that give you a sense of control, 


power, fun." 
‘Woodman liked that Skycorp. 
used "old мий” to explore space. All those 


prehistoric machines that constantly have 
be fixed, taken apart, put back together 
th wires, screws, mechanical things. “I 
like mechanical things.” be said. 
Marco Colleluoriand Austin 


“I always wondered what he did after all the toys were delivered.” 


system. He uses his software code to fig- 
ure out how to make the satellite respond 
10 his radio signals. First he had to work 
backward and decode ISEE-3's hardware. 
This is where the term 
‘ame from. Epps researched how the satel- 
lite had been built and programmed. The 
problem was, none of that information 
was in computer form. ISEE-3's history 
was in old handwritten notes and incom- 
records, the penmanship sometimes 
Isr ‘il the codes like ancient 
ypc. Skycorp called бизе "nap 
Kin notes.” Once Epps had decoded all the 
‘old programs, he had to figure out how to 
reactivate them from Skycorp and make 
ISEE-3 respond to their instructions. 
Epps was born near Dallas, “а nerdy but 
competitive kid,” he said. 
Fixed cars. Built a rocket 


sight wasn't sharp ‚юм 16 he im- 
mersed himself in engineering. 
Six years ago he joined. because he 


liked that "everyone here had to wear many 
hats. 1 saw space engineers at Boeing who 
worked 10 years on a project for МАЗА, 
And then, aer 10 year it never got built” 

Wingo's lemmings were gone, and he 
was alone at his computer. Í told him I'd 
like to talk to Zin if he was around. Wingo 
led me back to the two food freezers, Zin 
was in his freezer with the big metal door 
shut, Major, his boxer, was on a blanket 
in front of the door. He snarled at me. 1 
stepped back. Wingo said, "Ken must be 
working on something,” 

‘Wingo told me he'd brought Zin into 
Skycorp because Zin had fallen on hard 
times. His wife had died and he'd lost his 
house and his job, so Wingo let him live in 
а trailer home behind Ме Моон, shielded 
by trees from NASA's roaming eyes. "Ken's 
been acting weird lately.” Wingo said. “The 
other day hi 


losing it because he's not 
projet. He fech le ош. Zin would pro- 
ably not show up for Sunday's party, he 
said, so my best bet was to try to talk to 
him tomorrow, Saturday, when few people 
would be around. 

“What about Dr. Farquhar?" 1 said. "Will 
be be here Sunday?” 

“Oh yes. Hes lying in. He's done amaz- 


ің шерін һә arr ze жұл nme 
not designed for in " 
nd got to lend on Erca, an scere. 


Не deserves the Nobel Prize.” Win 
paused, as if contemplating whether he 
should warn me about something. "But Dr. 
Farquhar is getting on in years. He's in his 
80. Another pause, then Wingo blurted 
out, "He's a little bit nuts." 1 thought he 
meant dementia. Wingo shook his head. 
“Then he joked, "He's a pussy hound." 


‘oxy ms 


1 went to McMoon’s early on Saturday. 
From the outside it looked deserted, but 
the door was open, so 1 went inside. 1 
heard the sound of galloping feet, sharp 
daws on the hard floor. Major came 


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PLAYBOY 


152 


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Sternen wavoa v. тав AP мда, | | „ Zin ame back with Major. The dog 
O ааа a r 
а lime. He put his paws up on ty chest and 


RESERVED. P. 63 GROOMING: CATHE- 
WALL GROUP, STYLING: SASA JALALI FOR 
PRODUCTION DESIGNER. 


"What did you do?” 1 asked. 
He grinned at me. "I can' tell you,” he 


that Russian guy, what's his name?" 1 said, 
“Kalashnikov.” He grinned at me again. 


boy 
Tasked him how he liked working at Sky- 
corp. He said, "Well, Austin and Marco are 


ıy driving a truck with 200 
in it and the truck can 
100 tons. So he stops every few 
miles the side of the truck.” 
Не paused. 1 bit, "Why?" I asked. Zin 
laughed. "To keep half the canaries fying” 
T asked him about Sunday's big day 
ISEE-3. What was it all about? He said, 
"Usable data." 1 said, "You mean data just 
for data's sake?” He shook his head and 
ee 
there's no benefit to space, but everything 
we did to get to the moon in the 1960s 
benefited mankind. That's why ISEE-3 is 
important. The closer it gets to Earth, the 
mre data we can retrieve: But there's a 
"Мо one's studied the sensors on 
3 to see if they're accurate after 30 
years. It's like when you think you're run- 
ing a car on 97-octane gas but it’s only 70." 
PO hars Sunday realy all about?” aid. 
‘Bullshit, to publicize Skycorp. But it's 
not my deal. 1 was involved with the lu- 
яаг tapes. 1 have nothing to do with this 
flying saucer.” 


By nine лм. MeMoon's was crowded with 
далел س‎ 
were an odd-looking lot, scurryi 
around self yin anticipation of 
the bewitching hour, 10:30 At, ISEE-3's 
homecoming. Cowing fluttered about the 
room like a bird in heat, taking pictures 
of everyone with his iPhone. He stood on 


his tiptoes, held it high over his he 

d it down on groups of people. Win 
moving through the crowd, greet 
18 people with his amiable smile. He was 


dressed for this momentous occasion in 

a yellow Tshirt with a smiley face on the 

front. The rest of the Skycorp crew were 

at their computers, except for Zin. He was 
owhere in sight. 

Т went over to a tall, hunched-over 

an with pale skin and thick glasses who 

was talking to a little round old man who 

ved like Elmer Fudd, 1 introduced my 

Ше man, Robert W Farqul 
ISEE-3 and noto 
shook my hand 


year-old father o 
rious "pussy hound 
and said, "Want to see a picture of my Rus 
sian girlfriend? 1 have two, One's 34 
the other's 26. 1 had a third 
time ago, Natasha One, Here's a pie 
Natasha Two." He showed me his wallet 
with a photo of a beautiful blonde Russian 
woman with a fur collar pulled up around 
her neck 
1 met Natasha Two when I gave a speech 
to the Russian Space Research 
Moscow,” Farquhar said, "After th 
1 looked down from the second floor ar 


4 


saw all thes grs dancing wih each other 
T'wanted to go down to ihe lot, but ev 
esyone was puling me back. "No, Bob. no 
You си go there! - AB the girls were Rus 
cw мо: 

NASA space scienti 


е of America's most renowned 


Farquhar stared at Natasha Two's p 
and said, “We're madly in love. Oh no, we 
can't get married. I'm already married. If 
Y could, I'd marry Natasha Two just so she 
ould get the survivor benefits 


government pension. That would pun 
Ish Uncle Sam big-time.” Then he said to 
me with a mischievous smile, “1 can't tell 
you too much, because you might tell my 
wife, 1 told her my Natashas were just good! 
nds. 1 can't do anything with them any 
е, not even with Viagra 
He showed me a picture from a 
i himself in uniform, а 


ng. hand. 
some man at a table with other young, 
handsome American soldiers. “1 was a 
paratrooper during the Korean War when 
Î was on R&R in Tokyo,” he said. "I was 
only in Korea for a few weeks before the 
istice was signed, but [single-handedly 
the war 


body seems to have won that wat, which is 


still in a state of uneasy truce 


He reached into his coat pocket and 
d medal 


pulled out a go 
bon. He hung it around his neck and 
The South Koreans gave me this medal 
It says Bob Farquhar single-handedly van. 
quished the entire North Korean Army." 
Then he excused himself. He had many 
people who wanted to meet him. 

before he left he leaned toward m 


sotto voce, gave me his best advice for 
picking up women. 

T hit on women every day,” he said, 
‘the grocery store, the bank. But the best 
place to hit on women is at a CVS phar 

acy. That's where they go to pick up 
their meds.” He wandered into the crowd 
with his medal around his neck. Everyc 


smiled at him and shook his hand. 1 saw 
him reach for his wallet with the ph. 
Natasha One, Two and Three 


1 wandered around the crowded room. 


A group of men and women in 
alb ng at 
banks of computers. They worked f 
xel Corps, which would be feeding 
Wingo and Cowing’s /SEE-3 interview 
Ч the world. 
ді dining room table in the 


ick shirts and pants were sit 


m 
tech pe 

hey were slim young me 
beards theyd seen on GQ 


ded with young 
the 


mputers. 
with scrufly 


as a number of Asian women—Jap 
Korean, Chinese, Indian and Pakistani 
with furrowed br 

Wingo and a tall, bald albin 
intently studying a chart o 


a a big ba 


watching them, smiling 
Nearby, Farq 


Japanese man м 
and nodding his he 


was showing the girlfriends of Epps and 


Colleluori photos of his Natashas. Then 


he posed for pho 
around their shoulders, pawing them. 
Coming stood on his tiptoes, held his iPh 

Ч took their picture 


The tech 
around the 


m with spreadsheets of 


numbers, sh le who 


wing them t 


seem to be interested, 
Wingo and Co 
room set up with a c 


puter scre 
technician fitted th 


acing these while a 
with m 


owed them as 
ас 


The computer screen s 
mikes were being fit 
raised his ¡Phone and took a pic 
Wingo called out to me 
find my wife and make w 
the lemon pi 
1 went into the crowded main room to 


‚the 
Pat, go 
she brought 


see if 1 could find someone who looked 
like she'd be Wingo's wife. Her name was 
Nikki. No last name, like Cher, Beyoncé 
and M. Nikki had her name legal 
ly changed in California to simply Nikki 
The Social Security Administration 

her for that and lost 


who looked like she might‏ و 
m and certainly di‏ 


like anyone else scurrying around 


be a one-name per n't 


McMoon's. 1 went up to her and in 
duced myself. She laughed and said, “So 
re the 
egomaniac, That's so 1950s." 1 ta 
didn't realize the word egos 
ticularly 1950w sh. 
1 asked if she'd brought the lem 


ne who told Dennis he was an 
d her I 


pies 
and she had. They were laid out on the 


ic Donald s service counter wit 


and coffee. We talked for a few minutes. 1 

told her Wingo had said there were a lot 
‘groupies around spa 

their brains were an aphrodisiac for certain 

women. Tasked 
‘Someone else asked me that, and 1 said 


Ts that true in your case 


yes.” she told me. “But 1 got beat down 


for that, so now 1 say, "The most attra 
tive qualities in a man are kindness and a 
sense of humor. As for intelligence, what 

И was after 10:30 Ам 
seemed much interested in where in space 


and no one 


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PLAYBOY 


ISEE-3 was wandering. They were having 
100 good a time taking photos, chatting, 
making plans for dinner, 

1 went back to the small room to tell Win- 
ко that Nikki had brought the pies, but he 
and Cowing were already being interviewed 
via satelite by a man from England. They 
seemed to want to talk mostly about how 
the McDonald's had become McMoon's. 
When the interviewer was finally able to ask 
them about /SEE-3, Wingo said, “We're just 
waiting to receive the data. 12% all good. 
ac 1:90 хэ. the рапу was winding 

lown, People were standing around talk: 
ing and drinking coffee or beer. 1 saw 
Casey Harper standing by herself at her 
‘computer, so 1 went over to her. She wore 
a blue satin blouse with a thick gold chain 
around her neck, tight jeans and sandals 
ıt showed off her painted toenails She 
was, at 18, a riveting beauty. 1 asked her 
how it felt to be the only woman at Skycorp. 
She said it was no longer strange 10 have a 
іп in the aerospace industry. "My mother 
worked with NASA.” she said. “My father 
worked for NASA and Lockheed Martin 
Eve always been mechanically inclined. As 
a lite girl 1 took things apart 10 see how 
they worked, then put them back together 
When we got а VHS tape player Í put a 
piece of toast in it because it was the same 
shape as a tape. I used to draw a lot too. 
1 drew mostly television remotes. When 1 
went to the hardware store with my older 
brother and the guy asked him what he 
was looking for, my brother pointed at me 
and said, Ask her” 

1 asked Harper if guys were threatened 
by her mechanical prowess. Did it affect 
her dating? Nor she кй. 21 didnt date 
much in high school. It wasn't really my 
area of interest. You know, all that "Every- 
thing revolves around you. honey мый. 
Fm 100 independent for that.” 

Before 1 left 1 asked if she was going to 
get an aerospace degree in college. She 
said no, that she would get a mechanical 
engineering degree. She wanted to design 
restet mba and hands so people could 

ave the same dexterity and speed they 
would have with real hands. 71 want them 
to be able to play musical instruments or 
draw with their prosthetic hands.” she said. 


7A good friend of mine, a musician, told me 
he'd be devastated if he lost his fingers and 

‘couldn't play his guitar” 
1 saw Wingo talking to his wife. 1 went 
over and asked him what had happened 
3. He told me 1 should ask 


and saw him outside smoking a cigarette. 
‘On my way out I stopped at a table piled 
with what looked like graduation cer- 
tificates. They were titled “Certificates of 

reciation for ISEE-3 Reboot Project.” 
They were signed by Wingo and Cowing 
and had various people's names on them. 
None of those people had bothered to 
pick them up. 

1 went outside and asked Colleluori 
about ISEE-J. He told me his Skycorp job 
tithe was “altitude and orbit control 5 
-ms engineer" and his job was “to steer it 
like a rowboat.” He said, "It has 12 thrust 
ers, and my job is to figure out how many 
cars to use, on what side of the boat, so we 
can change its trajectory from around the 
sun to around Earth. What happened was, 
we started rowing, it looked good, we were 
excited—afier all, it hadn't been turned 
‘on for decades—and then it failed. It had 
lost the nitrogen in the tanks that pushed 
the fuel out, like a spray-paint can with no 
air. So essentially it's back in the same orbit 
around the sun.” He smiled and added, 
“But all is not lost. That lost nitrogen is 
going to be my college thesis. It could be 
а design inue. In space. you never over- 
design something. You design it only for 
what you want it to do at the moment. I's 
about the present, not the future.” 

 Colleluori stubbed out his cigarette on 
the sidewalk with his shoe and said һе had 
10 go in and find his girlfriend. Last he'd 
seen her she was taking a picture with 

ırquhar. Colleluori said, "You know, 1 
was so excited to have my picture taken 
with Dr. Farquhar, but ай he wanted to do 
was kiss my girlfriend." 

1 was about to leave when all of a 
sudden everyone came pouring out of 
McMoon's, 30 or 40 laughing and 
celebrating as if something momentous 

that Г missed. They all 
in rows on the small grassy 
area in front of McDonald's where Major 


did his business. One man looked down 
at his shoe and began furiously paw- 
ing at the ground with the sole, Cowing 
stood in front of them like a bandleader. 
He moved back a few feet, then flapped 
his arms for them to get closer together. 
They all bunched up. Cowing stood on 
his tiptoes, raised his iPhone high over 
his head and called out, “Now!” On cue, 
‘everyone smiled at the clear blue sky and 
waved their hands as if bidding someone 
up there good-bye, or maybe hell, 

ret пе han مرش‎ ie. 
Then they stopped waving at the empt 
sky. Cowing made a patting motion wit 
the flat of his hand as if he wanted them 
to get on the ground. He got on his tiptoes 
again and held up his iPhone. Everyone 
bent over at the waist and began to wave 
at the grass as though gesturing at some 
barely visible creature from a great height 

Tt was a strange reaction by a group of 
strange people. They had money, 
twisted NASA's arm to gain control of a 
rogue satellite, given up any semblance 
‘of a normal life (though it’s unlikely any 
of them had normal lives to begin with) 
and spent most of their waking hours in 
а McDonald's that couldn't even muster 
à decent Dig Mac. And more important, 
they had failed in their mission. ISEE-3 
was in no shape to obey their commands, 
Thousands of man-hours had been wasted 
(unless through some miracle the data 
they'd collected and the data they might 
till collect yield some sort of scientific 
dividends). It was like a wedding party at 
wich the bride and groom never showed, 
But the party went on regardless. Far from 
being broken and depressed, they were 
happy. Briefly, they had done the impos- 
sible. They had connected with ISEE-3. 
They had talked to и, and it had answered. 
Their childhood dreams had come true, 
and they had done it totally on their own. 

Off to my right 1 saw Zin emerge from 
his mobile home with Major on a leash. 
He quickly hustled the dog across the 
Parking lot before anyone saw them. 
‘Then they both disappeared behind an 
other building. 


— 
SHELBY CHESNES IS 
ASCENE-STEALER IN 
HORRIBLE BOSSES 2 


| iss July 2012 
Shelby Chesnes 
‘ean attest that 
the benefits 
of Instagram 
reach far be- 

1 yond knowing 
what your cousin ate 
for lunch yesterday. 
Alter the producers of 
Horrible Bosses 2 came 
across the brunette 
beauty's account, she 
was cast in a small but 
fairly pivotal role. In. 
the sequel to the dark 

helby's char- 
ıe eye of 


Sudeikis) as i 
past him. This throws 
wrench into a plan 
to kidnap Rex (Chris 
Pine)...and we'll leave 
it at that to avoid spoil 
ers. "1 brought my 
sexy jogging aieo 
the set,” Shelby 
"o her addition to the 
celebrated cast, which 
also includes Christoph 
Waltz, Jennifer 
Aniston, Charlie Da 
(subject of this month's 
, Jason Bateman 


Kevin Spacey. 
Despite ай that маг 
power, Shelby's favor- 


ite on-screen talent was 
ver da 
who is the former mug 
of Old Navy. 


T 


JOAQUIN PHOENIX 
(Continued [rom page 66. 


to map things out from start to finish. That 
started 10 change a few years ago when I 
got to work with these wonderful directors 
who weren't afraid or of dis 


something 
feels like i's 
alive, Г е. I've been 
fortunate to wo tors who seem 
to enjoy that experience as well 1 don't 
have much ego when it comes to work now. 
PLAYBOY. You've won a lot of respect from. 
fans and critics for 


PHOENIX: It’s not really a high wire. Or 
maybe it is a high wire but with a strong 
net and a huge soft mattress underneath. 1 
mean, you're just making a movie. I look at 
these kids who are fucking 22 years old and 
playing in the World Cup finals, where you. 
et one shot, no second take, and all the 


on a movie ser? 
PHOENIX: No, I will find it terrifying, and. 
that's crazy, isn't it? In some ways, it's fucking, 
ridiculous that Гуе literally been doing it for 
nd still feel like it's the fucking f 
time I'm making a movie every time 1 go in. 


It's probably good, though, just because it 


пр, and it can get in 
the way eer Better at not 
s there and just allow 


'n you're not working, what 


do to get the adrenaline surging? 
PHOENIX: I'm a total fucking coward. In. 
some ways thats probably why I'm an ac 


think I'm risky in that way. If anything, Tve 
eased ой. Four or five years ago I used to ride 
motorcycles, but you can't really ride without 
riding fast, and Í don't know if that’s worth 
but fuck, its so dangerous. 1 
think I've probably gotten even softer. 
PLAYBOY: But you look healthy and in 
shape these days 
PHOENIX: I meditate, mornings at eight 
and again at night. 1 really don't know what 
the fuck that’s about or why it works, but 1 


don't really know how Tylenol works either. 
Maybe it’s a placebo. Whatever you do to 
take time out of your day and just stop for a 
ie, I think is beneficia Асам tha been 
for me. I just started Iyengar yoga, 
thing Td avoided because I think ts boring 
PLAYBOY: So you're pushing through the 
boredom: 

PHOENIX: For the Woody Allen movie 1 was 
very sedentary and out of shape, with abit of a 


gut. By chance 1 was talking to somebody I'd 
Known for some time but didn't know what 
he did. 1 asked him, and he said, 


"I teach 


like you very much, and 
now I hate you. | don't want this to alter our 
relationship too much." But I've stuck with 
it because 1 like the idea of pushing myself. 
It’s fun to break yourself mentally, give in to 
something and give up control. That's some 
thing Eve had a hard time with before. 

PLAYBOY. There was a rumor that you might 
be getting in shape to star in the Marvel 
Studios superhero epic Doctor Strange 

those negotiations seem to have faltered, 
PHOENIX: | can't talk about it, Tve met 
all sorts of movies throughout the yea 
What seems appealing about some of them 


of my comfort zone. But really, ts what 
I'm always looking for—good characters, 
big ideas an 
those things line up with 
ie, 1 have interest in it 
PLAYBOY. Were you in 
ing up? 
PHOENIX: There's some great Batman stuff 
d classic Frank Miller Dark Knight stuff 
and Arkham Arum. Bi always a big 
‚guy. Hove Woh ‘ig fuck: 
dramatic character. They're all 
conflicted, and they're really int 
PLAYBOY. Have you ever rege 
no to a big movie, maybe even a Marvel 
PHOENIX: There's only one movie I regret 
saying no to—except the person who ended. 
up doing it was so good and was absolutely 
meant to do it, so Г don't have 
I'm not go 
really big 
they're making some pretty decent movies 
1 thought fron Man was fantastic 
PLAYBOY: Do you vote? 
PHOENIX: Sure, the cowardly approach to 
voting some pathetic, hime-ass way of voting 
for the better of two evil I wish I were more 
involved politically. I vote, but I certainly don't 
know much about the өше. I don't say that 
with pride. Its terrible. I ought to. 
PLAYBOY. What do you know now that you 
didn't know when you talked to navsov 
PHOENIX: All | know is that I've been fortu- 
nate, and my good fortune continues. Other 
than that, the older I get, the more I know 
that 1 don't fucking know anything at ай. 1 
feel like 1 just make up shit, like, "I try not to 
have any rules,” but maybe 1 do have rules. 
1 don't fucking know. I'm trying to get better 
at being open to the mystery of it all. 


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