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STATEOF
AMERICA
featuring
Ta-Nehisi Coates.
Chelsea Handler -
Patton Oswalt - Killer
Mike - Wiz Khalifa -

Krist Novoselic

* ' EM
THEJOKES .
THAT SETUS
` FREE

starring
‘Lewis Black - Louis
C.K. - Joan Rivers.
Chris Rock - Whitney
Cummings

DODGE.COM

DODGE IS A REGISTERED TRADEMARK OF FCA US LLC.

SMARTER, STRONGER, FASTER. THE 2016 CHARGER, VIPER AND CHALLENGER.

FRAGRANCES FOR MEN & WOMEN

Y PLAYBOY

O 2016. Playboy Enterprises International, Inc. Playboy and the Rabbit Head Design are trademarks of Playboy Enterprises International, Inc. and used under license by Coty.

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Chelsea Handler

Whether on TV (now redefining the
talk-show landscape on Netflix) or in
her memoirs, Handler has risen to media
dominance by refusing to compromise—
she’s uncensored and unapologetic in
both her politics and her comedy. Read
My Choice, her reflections on the abor-
tion debate, and admire a woman with
the courage of her convictions.

Norm Stamper

The troubled state of American law
enforcement requires voices with
equal parts passion, experience and
reason. Stamper, author of To Protect
and Serve, spent 34 years as a cop and
served as chief of the Seattle Police
Department. In his essay Fix the Po-
lice he offers solutions that may be
exactly what our country needs now.

PLAYBILL

Dr. Drew Pinsky

Pinsky is such a pervasive media
presence—from Dr. Drew on Call to
Loveline to Celebrity Rehab—it's easy
to forget he's a practicing physician.
The Long Leash of Sexual Liberty, his
insightful essay on the origins and im-
plications of the sexual revolution, lays
bare the unseen forces that shape our
intimate behavior.

Dr. Sanjay Gupta

As CNN’s chief medical correspon-
dent, Gupta is uniquely positioned to
analyze the state of our health care.
In Ending the American Pill Epidemic,
the neurosurgeon addresses the wide-
spread abuse of opioid painkillers, in-
cluding quick-fix overprescribing and
the “pill for every ill” mentality that has
swept the medical profession.

Patton Oswalt

The comedian, actor, voice artist and
author may need to add another title:
social philosopher. Oswalt’s essay You
Gotta Fight for Your Right to F%@k Up
tackles our peculiar inability to distin-
guish between the individual and the
crowd, raising the question: Why do
we discriminate against entire groups
based on the actions of a few?

Mike Perry

Perry’s handiwork probably looks
familiar if you’ve seen the psyche-
delic opening credits of Broad City
or his books full of nudes and halluci-
natory, trippy scenes. His illustration
for Rachel Rabbit White’s Advisor
column on the protocol for receiving
a massage-parlor “happy ending” isa
new favorite.

Killer Mike

Known equally for his involvement in
the Bernie Sanders campaign and for
his music with the hip-hop duo Run
the Jewels, Killer Mike blurs the line
between rapper and activist. In Black
Votes Matter he advances an issue
close to his heart: getting out the vote,
a weapon he calls as powerful as his
knife or his gun in fighting tyranny.

Mary Mapes

Is the American press truly free?
Mapes, who was fired from CBS in
2005 after airing a story that ques-
tioned George W. Bush’s military
record, is here to tell us it isn’t. Ques-
tion your sources, become your own
editor and be aware that corporate in-
terests reign supreme in today’s news
media, she warns in Free the Press.

CREDITS: Cover and pp. 116-129 model Valerie van der Graaf at Photogenics LA, photography by David Bellemere, styling by Tara Williams, hair and makeup by Jakob Sherwood for the Wall Group, set design by Cydney Griggs, set design by Enoch Choi. Photography by: p. 4
courtesy CNN/Jeff Hutchens, courtesy Killer Mike, courtesy Mary Mapes, courtesy Patton Oswalt, courtesy Mike Perry, Brad Barket/Getty Images, Adam Franzino, benningtonphotography.com; p. 5 courtesy Molly Crabapple, courtesy Robert Mazur, courtesy Jeff Moss,
courtesy Krist Novoselic, Devin Christopher, Brad Jamieson, Brian Bowen Smith, Nadja Spiegelman; p. 10 Aaron Feaver; p. 24 Ryan David Brown for The New York Times/Redux; p. 25 courtesy the Pig and the Lady, Jody Horton/courtesy Hotel Emma, Rob Larson/courtesy
Ace Hotel Pittsburgh, Getty Images; p. 31 Matt Cowan/Getty Images for Coachella, United Archives GmbH/Alamy Stock Photo, courtesy Ben & Jerry's; p. 36 Jay L. Clendenin/Los Angeles Times/Contour by Getty Images; p. 38 courtesy Sony Pictures Entertainment;
.م‎ 40 courtesy Daniel Clowes; p. 44 Jeff Hutchens/Getty Images; p. 46 Molly Cranna; .م‎ 88 Allen Berezovsky/Getty Images, Jason Merritt/Getty Images, Michael Schwartz/Wirelmage/Getty Images, Kevin Winter/Getty Images for BET; .م‎ 89 Fotos International/Getty
Images, Charley Gallay/NBCU Photo Bank via Getty Images, Michael Schwartz/Wirelmage/Getty Images; p.90 Brian Ach/Wirelmage/Getty Images, Bobby Bank/Wirelmage/Getty Images, Neilson Barnard/Getty Images, ©Bettmann/Corbis, Mike Windle/Wirelmage/

Art Spiegelman

Astamp of approval from Spiegelman,
one of the best-known voices in com-
ics, is invaluable. So when the Pulitzer
Prize-winning author of Maus cham-
pions the work of Artist in Residence
Molly Crabapple, much less pens an
ode to her “simultaneously earnest
and smart-assed, serious and playful”
creations, it’s best to listen.

Krist Novoselic

The Nirvana bassist’s crucial role in
music history is undeniable, but his
burgeoning political career as chair of
the electoral-reform group FairVote
may be his great second act. In Take
Back the Political Map, Novoselic re-
imagines our broken voting system to
put democracy back into the hands of
those to whom it matters most.

PLAYBILL

Molly Crabapple

As an “artist-reporter engagé"—in Art
Spiegelman’s words—this month’s Art-
ist in Residence is steadily redrawing
the future of political and journalis-
tic illustration. Crabapple’s dispatches
from the front lines in Syria, Gaza and
elsewhere are as immediate as they
are ingenious, haunting and colorful—
and impossible to ignore.

Matt Gallagher

A former U.S. Army captain and an
Iraq vet, Gallagher received much crit-
ical acclaim for his debut novel, Young-
blood, out this February. In Babylon,
his PLAYBOY-exclusive short fiction, a
marine who trades the conflict of war
for the controlled chaos of a Brooklyn
kickball field finds that she misses the
sound of an authentic yut.

Liz McClean

Stylist McClean knew her calling at an
early age, from her first shoot on set
with the legendary Richard Avedon.
Her signature style, mixing high fash-
ion with casual vintage clothing and
lingerie, can be seen on our April
cover with Camille Rowe, as well as
in this issue’s Playmate pictorial with
Miss July Ali Michael.

Bomani Jones

Jones was an admittedly biased choice
to conduct the Playboy Interview with
Ta-Nehisi Coates—he refers to Coates
as “the GAWD” online. The ESPN cor-
respondent and co-host of Highly Ques-
tionable is no stranger to sensitive racial
topics, and his explosive presence on so-
cial media may soon rival his idol’s. Theirs
is a dialogue that will stick with you.

Robert Mazur

Going undercover and befriending
Colombian cartel bosses, as Mazur
did for five years, requires an iron will
not many people in this world possess.
But going further and dismantling the
globalized drug trade will require a co-
ordinated international effort. Mazur
outlines how we can beat the cartels
in The New Drug War.

Jeff Moss

Starting out as a bedroom hacker,
Moss went on to found two of the
world’s largest computer-security con-
ferences. The greatest threat to our
cyberprivacy, he argues in Living in Your
Own Not-So-Private Bubble, lies not in
unsecured networks but in the per-
sonal data we give up every day, freely
and often unwittingly, to marketers.

Getty Images; .م‎ 91 Josh Brasted/Getty Images, Fred Hayes/Getty Images for Sundance, Tibrina Hobson/FilmMagic/Getty Images, David Livingston/Getty Images; p. 92 Michael Bezjian/Wirelmage/Getty Images, Tim Mosenfelder/Getty Images, Kevin Winter/Getty
Images; p.93 Maarten de Boer/Getty Images, Jason Kempin/Getty Images; p. 133 courtesy Sony Pictures Entertainment; p.134 NBC/courtesy Everett Collection; p.144 courtesy Molly Crabapple; .م‎ 148 courtesy Playboy Archives. P. 13 styling by Kyle Kagamida; pp.
14-15 prop styling by Janine Iversen; pp. 32-35 styling by Lauren Matos, grooming by Tracy Love; pp. 80-85 model Madison Headrick at the Society Management, styling by Amarsana Gendunova for Wilhelmina, hair by Moiz Alladina using R+Co for Art Department,
hair by Noah Hatton using EVOLVh products/Cutler Salon for Judy Casey, makeup by Jamie Dorman for Art Department; pp. 94-107 model Ali Michael at IMG, styling by Liz McClean for Brydges Mackinney, styling assistance by Olivia Khoury, hair and makeup by Karina
Moore, manicure by Emi Kudo for Opus Beauty, prop styling by Cydney Griggs, prop styling by Enoch Choi, vintage jean shorts by Levi’s, suspenders, American flag vest and helmet from What Goes Around Comes Around; pp. 116-129 military shirt by Playboy, bracelet
by Gorjana, star sweater by Banjo and Matilda, blue briefs by Calvin Klein, cut striped T-shirt by Truly Madly Deeply, white briefs by Playboy, black knit top by Trois the Label; p.130 grooming by Christina Guerra for Celestine Agency; pp. 136-143 model Lise Olsen at IMG.

The Freedom) w J

A: 0 4 VOL. 63, NO. 6 —JULY/AUGUST 2016

TUN
nA >

OPPOSITE PAGE: PHOTOGRAPH BY JEAN PIERROT

CONTENTS

Departments

NO FILTER suicide Squad’s Karen Fukuhara is the samurai superhero we didn't know we needed 13
DRINKS No gluten? No problem with these four artisanal brews (and one old standby) 16
TRAVEL whether it’s a marijuana-friendly B&B or hip Honolulu, these vacation spots make Disney look dismal 24
ADVISOR what's the proper etiquette for an erotic massage? Rachel Rabbit White is our Emily Post of happy endings 26
MY WAY All-Marine Boxing Hall of Famer and undefeated pro boxer Jamel Herring has taken harder hits outside the ring than in it 28
ALSO: Grills? Where we're going, we don't need grills; tortoiseshell shades for summer; Infiniti's latest may spell the end of the sedan
THE RABBIT HOLE From Woodstock mud to the most-instagrammed drugs, Ben Schott crowd-surfs music festivals 31
20 © Wiz Khalifa looks back at his Pittsburgh upbringing and lays out his timeline for jumping into the next tax bracket 32
BOOKS with his third film adaptation, Wilson, cartoonist Daniel Clowes may be on the brink of a Hollywood breakthrough 40
FRANCOFILE From his past life as a substitute teacher to his new HBO show, Danny McBride has come a long way, baby 42
CULTURE Negotiating the line between privacy and isolation in the new American locker room 44

ALSO: Winona Ryder’s enduring leading-lady status; Seth Rogen’s new animated movie is rated WTF; is anyone listening to Paul Ryan?
Features

INTERVIEW Ta-Nehisi Coates explains why he allows his writing on American race relations to stand for itself 48
THE CONSERVATIVE SEX MOVEMENT why is the sexual revolution only now penetrating Republican
ranks? The man who helped launch it—our founder and Editor-in-Chief Hugh M. Hefner—has a few theories 58
ALSO: Ten essayists—from Chelsea Handler to Patton Oswalt and Killer Mike to Sanjay Gupta—outline how freedom rings in 2016
LAND OF THE FREE Model Madison Headrick dreams big in the city that never sleeps 80
THE WILDEST, GRAZIEST, MOST OFFENSIVE JOKES EVER TOLD by Jeremy Elias 86
MISS JULY with Texas roots and urban swagger, Ali Michael is the quintessential Miss America 94
FICTION the hipster-hunting marine at the center of Matt Gallagher’s Babylon puts a new spin on taking no prisoners 108
MISS AUGUST Dutch beauty Valerie van der Graaf makes the Eurozone look more inviting than ever 116
THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO PAUL Neal Gabler on how director Paul Feig got in touch with his inner woman 130
CUBA LIBRE On the Havana shore, model Lise Olsen provides a compelling reason to apply for that tarjeta de turista 136

ARTIST IN RESIDENCE From the front lines of global conflict, Molly Crabapple's illustrations could spark a revolution 144

ON THE COVER Valerie van der Graaf, photographed by David Bellemere. A midsummer midriff is the perfect place for our Rabbit to soak up some sun.

PLAYBOY

HUGH M. HEFNER
EDITOR-IN-GHIEF

JASON BUHRMESTER EDITORIAL DIRECTOR
MACLEWIS GREATIVE DIRECTOR
HUGH GARVEY DEPUTY EDITOR
REBECCAH. BLACK PHOTO DIRECTOR
JAREDEVANS MANAGING EDITOR

EDITORIAL
CAT AUER, JAMES RICKMAN SENIOR EDITORS
SHANE MICHAELSINGH ASSOCIATE EDITOR; TYLERTRYKOWSKI ASSISTANT EDITOR
WINIFREDORMOND COP Y CHIEF; SAMANTHA SAIYAVONGSA, ELIZABETH SUMAN RESEARCH EDITORS
GILBERT MACIAS EDITORIAL COORDINATOR; AMANDA WARREN EXECUTIVE ASSISTANT TO THE EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
CONTRIBUTING EDITORS: VINCE BEISER, NEAL GABLER, DAVID HOCHMAN, STEPHEN REBELLO, DAVID RENSIN, DAVID SHEFF, ERIC SPITZNAGEL, DON WINSLOW

JAMESFRANCO EDITOR AT LARGE

ART
CHRISDEACON SENIOR ART DIRECTOR; AARONLUCAS ART MANAGER; LAURELLEWIS ASSISTANT ART DIRECTOR

PHOTOGRAPHY
ELAYNELODGE STAFF PHOTOGRAPHER
EVAN SMITH ASSOCIATE PHOTO EDITOR; ANNAWILSON PHOTO ASSISTANT
KEVIN MURPHY DIRECTOR, PHOTO LIBRARY; CHRISTIE HARTMANN SENIOR ARCHIVIST, PHOTO LIBRARY
AMY KASTNER-DROWN SENIOR DIGITAL IMAGING SPECIALIST

PRODUCTION
LESLEYK. JOHNSON PRODUCTION DIREGTOR; HELENYEOMAN PRODUCTION SERVICES MANAGER

PUBLIC RELATIONS
THERESA M. HENNESSEY VIGE PRESIDENT; TERITHOMERSON DIRECTOR

PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES INTERNATIONAL, INC.
SCOTT FLANDERS CHIEF EXECUTIVE OFFICER
DAVIDG.ISRAEL GHIEF OPERATING OFFICER, PRESIDENT, PLAYBOY MEDIA
CORY JONES GHIEF CONTENT OFFICER

ADVERTISING AND MARKETING
PHILLIP MORELOCK CHIEF DIGITAL OFFICER AND PUBLISHER; MARIEFIRNENO VICE PRESIDENT, ADVERTISING DIRECTOR
RUSSELLSCHNEIDER EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR, INTEGRATED MEDIA SALES; AMANDACIVITELLO VIGE PRESIDENT, EVENTS AND PROMOTIONS
NEW YORK: MALICKCISSE DIRECTOR OF ADVERTISING OPERATIONS AND PROGRAMMATIC SALES
ANGELALEE DIGITAL CAMPAIGN MANAGER; MICHELLETAFARELLA MELVILLE SENIOR DIRECTOR, ENTERTAINMENT AND BEAUTY
ADAM WEBB SENIOR DIRECTOR, SPIRITS; OLIVIABIORDI MEDIA SALES PLANNER; JASMINEYU MARKETING DIRECTOR
TIMOTHY KELLEPOUREY INTEGRATED MARKETING DIRECTOR; KARIJASPERSOHN ASSOGIATE DIRECTOR, MARKETING AND ACTIVATION
GRACE SANTA MARIA ASSOCIATE DIRECTOR, MARKETING AND PROMOTIONS; GRETCHEN MAYER ASSOCIATE CREATIVE DIRECTOR
AMANDA CHOMICZ DIGITAL MARKETING MANAGER; VOULALYTRAS EXECUTIVE ASSISTANT AND OFFICE MANAGER
CHICAGO: TIFFANY SPARKS ABBOTT SENIOR DIRECTOR, MIDWEST
LOS ANGELES: DINALITT SENIOR DIRECTOR, WEST COAST; KRISTIALLAIN SENIOR MARKETING MANAGER
VICTORIA FREDERICK SALES ASSISTANT

Playboy (ISSN 0032-1478), July/August 2016, volume 63, number 6. Published monthly except for combined January/February and July/August issues by Playboy in national and regional editions, Playboy, 9346 Civic
Center Drive, Beverly Hills, California 90210. Periodicals postage paid at Beverly Hills, California and at additional mailing offices. Canada Post Canadian Publications Mail Sales Product Agreement No. 40035534.
Subscriptions: in the U.S., $32.97 for a year. Postmaster: Send all UAA to CFS (see DMM 707.4.12.5); nonpostal and military facilities, send address changes to Playboy, P.O. Box 62260, Tampa, FL 33662-2260. From
time to time we make our subscriber list available to companies that sell goods and services by mail that we believe would interest our readers. If you would rather not receive such mailings, please send your current
mailing label to: Playboy, P.O. Box 62260, Tampa, FL, 33662-2260. For subscription-related questions, e-mail playboy@customersvc.com. To comment on content, e-mail letters@playboy.com. + Playboy assumes no
responsibility to return unsolicited editorial or graphic or other material. All rights in letters and unsolicited editorial and graphic material will be treated as unconditionally assigned for publication and copyright
purposes, and material will be subject to Playboy’s unrestricted right to edit and comment editorially. Contents copyright © 2016 by Playboy. All rights reserved. Playboy, Playmate and Rabbit Head symbol are marks
of Playboy, registered U.S. Trademark Office. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form by any electronic, mechanical, photocopying or recording means or
otherwise without prior written permission of the publisher. Any similarity between the people and places in the fiction and semi-fiction in this magazine and any real people and places is purely coincidental. For credits
see page 4. Three Bradford Exchange onserts in domestic subscription polywrapped copies. Certificado de licitud de titulo No. 7570 de fecha 29 de Julio de 1993, y certificado de licitud de contenido No. 5108 de fecha
29 de Julio de 1993 expedidos por la comision Calificadora de publicaciones y revistas ilustradas dependiente de la secretaria de gobernaciön, Mexico. Reserva de derechos 04-2000-071710332800-102. Printed in USA.

Y PLAYBOY SHOP com

DEAR PLAYBOY

#TRANSPARENCY

The U.S. government’s social media is in some
ways insidious, but at least it’s usually well
labeled (Big Brother Wants to Be Your Friend,
May). If you follow @CIA, complete with its
Twitter-verified seal of approval, you know
you re interacting with an intelligence agency. In
other countries that’s not always the case. China
pays massive teams of censors and commenters.
Israel employs counter-narrative teams to edit
Wikipedia and correct “misconceptions” about
the country. The list goes on.

The United States has toyed with these op-
tions. A Central Command program announced
in 2011 would have created “sock puppet”
accounts to “combat extremism.” It’s almost a
given that the U.S. will join China and Israel at
some point in employing paid commenters or,
worse, bots to do the job. At that point, I suspect
we ll look back fondly on the irreverent—and yes,
alittle creepy—@CIA.

Jillian York
Berlin, Germany

York is the Electronic Frontier Foundation’s

director for international freedom of expression.

BETTER THAN EVER
I’malongtime PLAYBOY reader and just renewed
my subscription. One thing I love about the re-
design: I don’t have tojump pages ahead to fin-
ish an article, the Playboy Interview or your
great fiction. I look forward to a long relation-
ship with one of my favorite magazines.
Robert Campbell
Kansas City, Missouri

I love the new print magazine; it’s great. Can't

wait for future issues. You did a fantastic job.
Frank Lazzerini
Barberton, Ohio

When I first heard about the format changes
to PLAYBOY, the conservative in me took a wait-
and-see approach. I’m glad I did. I appreciate
all your efforts.
Bob Losse Jr.
Eastampton, New Jersey

FASTER, IT’S ALL RIGHT
I enjoyed Wes Siler’s bike pages (Motorcycles,
May). As an avid rider, I love ogling the sweet
retro bikes. But maybe you shouldn’t let Siler
near them—he mentions his leathers have
saved him in “half a dozen crashes."

Paul Jameson

Salt Lake City, Utah

LIP SERVICE
Rachel Rabbit White's advice is sound (Advi-
sor, May), but the only woman a man should
be asking how he can improve his oral perfor-
mance is the one he's trying to please.

Mike Strzelczyk

Twin Lakes, Wisconsin

POWER FOR THE PEOPLE
Thank you for giving us the splendid Miss May
Brook Power. Where did Aaron Feaver take the
photos? Itlooks like a slice of heaven—but that
may just be Brook's presence.
Bill Steffens
Phoenix, Arizona
The photo shoot took place in a private home
in Topanga Canyon, California.

The May pictorial mentions that Brook Power
works as an artist. What type of artist is she?
Dree Franklin
Miami, Florida
Brook says, "Thanks for asking. I work as a
graphic artist for magazines, musicians, re-
cord labels and clothing companies." See more
of her at Playboy.com/brook-power.

Brook Power lights up the room.

Hef has a practiced eye for finding special
faces. Miss May is gorgeous—and a doppel-
gänger for my favorite actress, the brilliant and
beautiful Rashida Jones.
Sam Brown
Chicago, Illinois

ASHOT TO THE HEART

Matt Farwellgets it right about PTSD (The God
Shot, April). As a marine Vietnam vet, I know
what it feels like to kill, come home twisted in-
side, then rupture with brutal behavior.

What saved me was my wife's love. She cre-
ated sweat lodges and meditation retreats for
veterans, and we traveled back to Vietnam to
help heal my pain. She kept me writing and
talking about it and held me when the dreams
were too real. She's my *God shot."

Jack Estes
Lake Oswego, Oregon

Estes is author of the Vietnam memoir A
Field of Innocence and of the forthcoming novel
A Soldier's Son.

E-mail letterseplayboy.com, or write to us at

9346 Civic Center Drive, Beverly Hills, California 90210.

BLACK CHERRY

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Black Cherry Flavored Vodkas, 375% alc./vol. (75 proof) ©2016 EFFEN Import Company, Deerfield, IL

“It’s Pare

to see an

Asian

take on the

role ofa

badass.”

"As a first-generation
Japanese American,
I’ve always wanted

to play a samurai
warrior like my Suicide
Squad character,
Katana. Samurai are
almost always male,
so growing up in
America | had a hard
time figuring out role
models. Katana and

| may not have the
same personality, but
coming from the same
cultural upbringing,
we share core values.

In Japanese culture
there’s this idea of
putting others before
yourself, but I’ve also
never wanted to let
myself down. Some-
one recently told me
how refreshing it is to
see an Asian woman as
a superhero. That stuck
with me. Stand up

for yourself and what
you love.”

Karen Fukuhara

stars in Suicide Squad,
opening August 5.

NO FILTER

PHOTOGRAPHY BY BEN MILLER

WITHOUT

AGRILL

FOOD

You don’t need to buy a grill. Those rows of
gleaming stainless steel outside the big-box
store represent the kindergarten version of
cooking with fire: all train-
ing wheels and safety valves
sy HUGH and the avoidance of soot.
GARVEY ¡et other men debate clay-
insulated kamado versus
metal kettle versus bincho charcoal versus mes-
quite chips. Men who claim culinary dominance
because of their lump-charcoal mastery live ina
prebagged state of ignorance.

Look at the coolest restaurants and you'll
see they have one thing in common: wood. As
in splintery. As in recognizably from a tree.
From the new Shepard in Boston to pioneering
Camino in Oakland, chefs follow the flame,
preparing food kissed with the flavorful smoke
produced by wood as it shifts from lumber to
ember. Lump charcoal will never do that.

And shamefully, it will never require that you
start a fire from scratch, building it from kin-
dling you've scavenged from your backyard or a
walk in the park. There’s kindling everywhere.
You have to focus your attention to find it, but
it’s there. Cardboard from a shoebox will also
do. Or just a lot of newspaper balled up.

Starta fire like in the movies: Place little bits
of very dry stuff on the bottom; above those
bits, some dry, pencil-size sticks or thick pieces
of cardboard; above those, some wood as thick
as the handle ofa pool cue, arranged in ateepee
shape; and on top at least three pieces of oak,
again in a teepee shape.

Light the little bits and get ready for some
very active 90 minutes of cooking. If you’ve
planned ahead, your fire will be on a spot of
ground you won’t mind scorching. Around it
will be a ring of bricks or cinder blocks, on top
of which you'll place a big metal grate (20 bucks
at Home Depot) to replace the grill you’re not
going to buy. As the conflagration blazes, you'll
have high heat to cook with. A big cast iron pan
over that fire will sear a steak without letting
the flames scorch it. The smoke will envelop
and flavor the meat. The coals will turn to em-
bers and provide a less intense spot for char-
ring onions, peppers or fennel you’ve salted
and tossed with olive oil. Follow the flames and
embers as they shift from high heat to low. It’s
dinner, and you're abetter man for your efforts.

For more detailed techniques and recipes,
Around the Fire from the chefs at Ox in Portland
and This Is Camino (both from Ten Speed Press)
are profoundly inspiring restaurant cookbooks
that will further raise your game. m

DRINKS

Buildinga
Better Beer

Gluten-free brews have invaded the booze aisle.
A guide to the latest offerings

In the past few years, gluten-free has gone
from food fad to a bona fide beer category. Set
aside the scientific debate about whether non-
celiac gluten intolerance is a real thing; it’s an
indisputable fact that a good third of Amer-
icans report they’re eating less of the grain
protein. And when Anheuser-Busch gets into
the rapidly growing $1 billion gluten-free-food
game, it’s safe to say that suds without wheat
are here to stay.

Sadly, many gluten-free beers downright
suck. Barley and wheat (both of which con-
tain gluten protein) are the principal grains
used in traditional brewing; they provide the
structure and flavor that are missing in many
gluten-free beers. Part of the problem is that
mass-produced gluten-free beers tend to de-
pend primarily on sorghum, a cereal grass, as
their base ingredient. And beer that is too re-
liant on sorghum often has an overabundance
of sweetness and fruit flavors. Despite this, a
number of gluten-free beers stand out as worth
drinking for the taste alone, their brewers hav-
ing dialed in flavor profiles that boast a beer-
like balance of bitter, sweet and sharp.

People who suffer from celiac disease should
never experiment with anything that contains
gluten, but we do have a beer drinker's hack for
limiting intake of the ingredient: Stick with
Corona, which, it turns out, is made from rice
and corn as well as malted barley, bringing
the gluten content below the 20 parts per mil-
lion threshold that Sweden uses as its gauge of
gluten-free. For a more artisanal experience,
try the four brews at right—the best gluten-
free alternatives to your favorite style of beer.

PHOTOGRAPHY BY SCOTTIE CAMERON

ALTERNATIVE ARTISANAL
GLUTEN-FREE BEERS

FOR THE LAGER-LOVING LAD:

ESTRELLA DAMM DAURA

If you prefer classic Euro-style lagers (think Stella,
Heineken, Peroni), try Spain’s Estrella Damm
Daura, a malty, easy-drinking, medium-bodied
alternative to the standard stuff. It has a tinge of
sweetness true to the category.

FOR THE STOUT SIPPER:

STEADFAST BEER CO. OATMEAL

CREAM STOUT

The first and only gluten-free stout in America,
this offering from Albany-based Steadfast
Beer Co. is rich, nearly jet-black and full of the
delicious toffee, coffee, chocolate and slightly
sweet flavors that stout lovers expect.

FOR THE EXPERIMENTALIST:

DOGFISH HEAD TWEASON’ALE

Many gluten-free beers mimic other styles, but
craft-beer pioneer Dogfish Head developed this
one-of-a-kind fruit-forward brew made from
strawberries, sorghum and honey. Think of itas a
beerlike twist on rosé wine.

FOR THE HOP HEAD:

GLUTENBERG INDIA PALE ALE

Fans of super-bitter IPAs will rejoice over the
high hop content of this Canadian brand’s
award-winning beer, which has a score of 76
IBUs (international bitterness units). It also
has an IPA’s trademark citrusy, lip-smacking
refreshment factor.

Tortoiseshell-framed
shades offer an endur-
ing look that combines
brainy sex appeal with
low-key cool. This /
season’s updates on
the masculine mainstay
feature a gutsier take
on the shell’s mottled
motif, with oversize
frames and colored
lenses for a sharp con-
trast.—Vincent Boucher

GET AROUND

New York optical
institution Moscot
jacks up a traditional
round frame in rak
ishly oversize style
with the Governor

THE LEAD

Summer's sickest sunglasses
go beyond basic black

scaled Errol (middle)

in tortoiseshell with +
polarized lenses. 2
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MILE DRIVER
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square-frame Nairobi
shades fromL.G.R.
(bottom) have specially
engineered blue polar-
ized lenses to reduce
glare while driving.
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Z (top), adding sea-
green fashion lenses.
$26o, moscot.com
EYEING THE TIGER
A surfer classic gets
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AUTO

IS THE SEDAN AN
ENDANGERED SPECIES?

When Infiniti targets millennials, it ditches the trunk. What gives?

A decade ago, the major selling points of a
compact car were fuel economy and suitabil-
ity for city driving. The thought being, if it’s
convenient to park and costs less at the pump,
what’s left to consider?

These days, there’s a lot more, with a larger
variety of compact cars—from economy to
sporty to luxury—available than ever before.
That makes the 2017 Infiniti QX30, which com-
bines the aforementioned features with the ad-
ditional practical benefit ofa hatchback instead
of a trunk, such an interesting vehicle. And at
a time when sedan sales are rapidly declining,
it further fuels the question: Is the death of the
traditional sedan all but inevitable?

The QX30 doesn’t necessarily put that issue

PHOTOGRAPHY BY CHANTAL ANDERSON

to rest. But our time spent testing one in
Portugal—where driving is discouraged in
certain towns due to the narrowness of the
streets—certainly sold us on the idea of a lux-
ury hatchback over a typical four-door sedan.
And that’s the point of the new Infiniti QX30:
It doesn’t compromise on any of the amenities
of a luxury sedan while providing a ride and
size more fitting for the city. The new Infinitiis
essentially a smaller take on the brand’s cross-
overs, packaged in a cool compact designed to
appeal to millennials, who presumably need
more cargo space to haul the gear required for
their active lifestyles. Think of it as a middle-
weight boxer who has gone through rigorous
training to run in the New York City Marathon:

a much smaller fighter now but one far bet- 4

ter suited to the challenge at hand. Plus he’s &
pretty sharp dresser when he’s not in the ring.

The well-appointed compact is powered by a
two-liter turbocharged four-cylinder that puts
out 208 horsepower: That won’t satisfy your
urge to do a burnout in the parking lot, but it’s
more engaging than you'd expect.

Our test model was a QX30S prototype,
which, along with the entry model (expected
to start at $30,000), comes equipped with a
front-wheel-drive system. If given the option,
though, we’d probably take the QX30 AWD for
more enhanced control at the wheel.

Allin all, the new Infiniti is a nice balance of
everything. Except a trunk.—Marcus Amick

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TRAVEL

Alternative
Summer Escapes

These unexpected destinations are going from a steady simmer to a rolling boil

THE MARIJUANA MECCA: DIALED-UP DENVER

Of the 24 cannabis-supportive states in the country, Colorado is the top destination, and Denver is ahead of the game in offering an elevated experience
to cannatourists. The Mile High City’s Nativ Hotel is the best pro-pot place to stay, thanks to its draft-beer garden, champagne café and Stereo Lounge, a
basement club where Snoop Dogg has made an appearance, naturally. For a verdant twist on a classic B&B, stay at the Adagio, a six-suite Victorian “bud
and breakfast” known as one of the city's most cannabis-friendly accommodations. The best one-stop shop in this cannacapital is My 420 Tours, which
offers a cannabis cooking class (pictured) and a four-hour “Grow and Dispensary” tour, buzz-preserving tinted windows included. The cannabis concierges
at My 420 can also book a massage in your hotel room using THC-infused lotion, because isn’t this trip ultimately about doing nothing?—Anna del Gaizo

TEXAS,

HOLD THE BBQ:
SAN ANTONIO’S
PEARL DISTRICT
Although the Granary res-
taurant in the historic Pearl
Brewery complex is devoted
to cue, it’s not your average
meat-and-three joint. Chef
Tim Rattray serves his
brisket in a bowl of shoyu
ramen instead of plated
next to coleslaw and potato
salad. And that’s just the
first of the Texas clichés to
fall away: Situated on the
northern reach of the San
Antonio River, the former brewery is home to many other worthy establish-
ments, including upscale Il Sogno Osteria, known for its antipasti; Lick Honest
Ice Creams, whose confections are made with Texas ingredients; Green,
which serves 100 percent kosher vegetarian dishes; and La Gloria, which of-
fers street food inspired by inland Mexico. Locals flock to the twice-weekly
farmers’ market, and around 150 students perfect their cooking skills at the
Culinary Institute of America. We have reclusive billionaire Christopher “Kit”
Goldsbury, who made his money selling Pace Foods to Campbell Soup Com-
pany in 1994, to thank for all this. He's the man behind the brewery's redevel-
opment, including Hotel Emma, where welcome margaritas are served in the
wood-paneled library. Kit's orders.—Julia Bainbridge

HIPSTER HAWAII:
HONOLULU

Ask any local creative and
they'll tell you the art and
music scene in Honolulu
was stuck in 19905 over-
drive until 2011, when
artists Jasper Wong and
Kamea Hadar discovered
Kaka'ako, a forgotten in-
dustrial district between
the city's downtown and
Waikiki neighborhoods,
and set to work building a
Hawaii outpost for Wong’s
Pow! Wow! art festival.
As the brand has grown
(there have been Pow! Wow! festivals in half a dozen cities around the
world), so too has Kaka’ako. The once desolate hood now bustles with
small businesses, and the cadre of artists and musicians who transformed
it is making Honolulu a destination for more than just the standard sun
seekers. The Modern Honolulu and Surfjack, two luxury boutique hotels
in Waikiki, feature works by Pow! Wow! artists. Makers & Tasters events
attract happy foodies almost every night of the week, as does the Pig &
the Lady (pictured), a Vietnamese fusion kitchen and cocktail bar. Hono-
lulu still has its fair share of latter-day kitsch, and that 1990s sensibility
isn’t entirely gone, but thanks to locally grown creative minds, it’s evolv-
ing from the inside out.—Adam Skolnick

THE RUST-BELT
] PORTLAND:
4 PITTSBURGH
The unfortunate thing

about hip locales is that
once they know they’re hip
they kind of become dicks
about it. See: San Fran-
cisco, Williamsburg, Port-
land. But not Pittsburgh.
Yes, it has a new Ace Hotel
(pictured), housed in a
century-old YMCA building
that now hosts live music
and a beanbag toss, and
several world-class con-
temporary art museums
(the Mattress Factory, the Warhol), but the folks here are anything but
cynical hipsters. Instead Pittsburghers offer a warm welcome and a word
of advice on where to get a good steak (Gaucho in the Strip) or a stiff drink
(Kelly's in East Liberty). With hot new restaurants popping up regularly,
the food scene here is home to the kind of energy that hasn't been seen in
New York or San Francisco in decades. Morcilla, an exemplary tapas joint,
serves some of the best pintxos this side of Barcelona, while Smallman Gal-
ley offers up-and-coming chefs their own pop-up restaurant, free rein over
the menu and a place to build a following. Naturally, an array of excellent
local craft brews are on tap. Go soon, before Pittsburgh realizes how cool
it is. And for God's sake, leave the Bengals jersey at home.— Jeremy Freed

518, NOT 718:
HUDSON,

NEW YORK

This town two hours north
of New York City has a sto-
ried history and plenty of
postindustrial rusticity, but
it’s no “upstate Brooklyn,”
thank you very much. Sure,
it’s bespoke and expertly
curated in areas (it’s home
to an Etsy office), but Hud-
son has its own funky yet
sophisticated homegrown
vibe. Notable restaurants
include Bonfiglio & Bread
(café and bakery), Hudson
Food Studio (contemporary Vietnamese), Fish & Game (chef Zak Pelaccio’s
acclaimed eatery) and Wm. Farmer & Sons (Southern-inflected restaurant
and barroom with 11 handsome guest rooms above). Drinks flow freely in
Hudson, the alleged birthplace of the American cocktail. Back Bar (a boozy
cousin to Fish & Game) serves vittles and spirits, as does the Nordic OR Gal-
lery and Tavern. If you find yourself needing a bit of loud music too, order
a sazerac and a hot dog at the Half Moon. The town is rich with art galler-
ies, and its cultural hub may be Basilica Hudson, a converted factory that
plays host to everything from an upscale flea market to the annual Basilica
SoundScape (co-produced by Pitchfork Media), an international music fes-
tival of genre-pushing artists.—Eric Steinman

sy RACHEL RABBIT WHITE

L4
LJ
e When I've had a stressful week, I like to get a P W 9 mation; screening customers is how sex workers stay safe.
O massage. Recently I’ve been fantasizing about E Make your payment at the beginning of the session, and
y x

getting a “happy ending.” I realize it's inappropriate to
ask a licensed massage therapist at a day spa for a handy,

when dealing with employees like Nikki who work for some-
one else, it's good practice to tip—the agency takes half her

but after combing the classifieds I found several ven- px J rate. Be respectful and take a shower, cleaning thoroughly be-
ues that offer “erotic massages.” What’s the etiquette for ` ١١ f fore your session. And don’t be cheap: Book the proper amount
receiving a happy ending? tU v 5 A, of time for the experience you want. Lots of guys new to erotic

services spring for the shortest block, which may not allow much
time to get comfortable. (A word of caution: In most states, any
act that involves genital touch in exchange for money is illegal.
Proceed at your discretion.)
Nikkichanges into a pink satin slip. “Courtesy and clean-
liness are so important,” she says. “Some men think they
don’t need to wipe their asses. I would bet money that
Donald Trump doesn't feel a need to properly wipe his ass."
We sit side-by-side on the bed, and Nikki clicks
through ads for massage girls, professional domina-
trices and escorts in New York. Her Monday schedule
is slow. It’s tax season. “Do you want me to give you
a massage?” she asks. Since I’ve put myself in your
shoes, I don’t see why not.
“What kind of stuff do you usually say to your
clients?” Iask, feeling relaxed after she finishes my back.
She tells me to turn over and slides her breasts over
mine. “I talk dirty, like, Yeah, you've got this nice
young princess stroking your cock. Does that feel
good? Does that feel nice?’” We laugh, but the
line works. “Marry me,” I murmur after I or-
gasm. “Okay,” she says. Which is what I want
for all of us anyway: to live happily ever after
in the hand-job palace.

Questions? E-mail

advisor@playboy.com.

In the name of hard-hitting sex journalism, I
© decided to find out firsthand. So one cool gray
Monday I find myself buzzing an apartment in midtown
Manhattan. “Hi, welcome to the hand-job palace,”
says Nikki, an art student whose official job title is,
I think, “hand-job princess.”

Nikki agrees to give us a peek into how happy
endings are made. On any given day, Nikki and
several other women from the same agency work
out of different residential apartments. I note the
ambiance of this one—amateur paintings, a bed
with colorful sheets, a massage table with its
accoutrements: oils, hand sanitizer, paper tow-
els, Febreze, a bowl of peppermints.

While the protocol for receiving arub-and-tug
would seem easy enough to google, the internet
proves to be full of questionable advice from
listicle blogs. (No matter what AskMen.com
advises, never, under any circumstances,
point at your erection and say, “Well?”)

If you plan to purchase any form of erotic
entertainment, there are a few rules you
should always follow. When booking an
appointment, it’s customary to give your
real name, number and other infor-

0107 te ` MIKE PERRY

www.moodsofnorway.com

MY WAY

JAMEL

HERRING

The Olympian and Marine Corps Hall of Fame boxer on how war and loss have kept him fighting

I was 19 years old when the military deployed
me to Iraq for the first time. Fallujah was
under heavy fire—this was 2005, the height of
Operation Iraqi Freedom—and I spent seven
months there as a field electrician in the Sec-
ond Marine Logistics Group before they sent
me back to North Carolina. I had never been
so happy to see grass.

When I returned to the States, I decided to
try out for the All-Marine Boxing Team. I’d
started boxing when I was 15 years old, and
by the time I joined the Marines I had already
achieved a record of 10-1. I couldn’t wait to
get back into the ring. I made the team and
began cutting my teeth. For the first time, I
had access to top-notch training facilities,
and I spent more hours in the gym than ever
before. But it was short-lived. In January 2007,
President George W. Bush announced a surge
of 20,000 U.S. troops in Iraq; they shipped me
back over there a month later. My wife was two
months pregnant with our first son.

During my second deployment, my unit
was in charge of tracking IEDs—improvised
explosive devices—which is vastly differ-
ent from being an electrician. A sergeant
trained me to spot environments rigged with
bombs—potholes, roadside digging. During
our training, I learned that the sergeant was
also a new father; his first son had been born
two weeks earlier. Later that year, he lost his

PHOTOGRAPHY BY RYAN LOWRY

AS TOLD To LAN FRISCH

life to an IED explosion. He never made it
home to meet his son.

His death hit me hard. I vowed to take life
more seriously when I came home. I didn’t
want to face the horrors of war a third time,
especially as a father, so I decided to commit
to boxing. My focus became competing in the
2012 Olympics in London.

In 2009, however, life threw me another hard
hook. I lost my daughter to sudden infant death
syndrome two months after she was born. I
had spent so much time running from death in
Iraq, only to have it follow me home. But I chose
to use my daughter’s memory as motivation. I
kept throwing the punches toward my dream,
in her honor.

After stacking an amateur record of 81-15
and winning three qualifying bouts in Rio de
Janeiro, I secured a spot on Team USA. I was
the only marine to compete that year. It was
a huge honor, but even more meaningful was
the fact that the opening ceremony—July 27,
2012—took place on the third anniversary of
my daughter’s death.

I lost my first match, by decision, against
Kazakhstan’s Daniyar Yeleussinov. Ihad won
the first round, but Yeleussinov, a Youth World
Boxing champion, adjusted to me during the
fight. Itwas atough day.

After the Olympics, I turned to the profes-
sional circuit, signing with Floyd Mayweather's

manager Al Haymon and moving to Cincinnati
to train with Mike Stafford, who has also
coached three-time Olympian Rau’shee
Warren. My first pro fight, against Jose
Valderrama, was less than six months after
my Olympic defeat. I won the match and kept
on winning. This February I beat Luis Eduardo
Flores, whose number of knockouts outnum-
bered the sum of my professional fights. I now
stand with a 15-0 record and eight knockouts,
and in April I was inducted into the 2016 class
of the All-Marine Boxing Hall of Fame.

Unfortunately, going pro currently disquali-
fies me from competing in the Olympics. With
the 2016 Summer Games under way, it’s rare
that a day goes by when I don’t think about
what could have happened if I hadn’t turned
pro. But I can still play a part in U.S. boxing: I
train, speak and spar with athletes, including
my friends Claressa Shields and Shakur Ste-
venson, who will represent the United States in
Rio. What’s next for me? To be the next marine
to win aworld championship, of course.

Boxing has helped me release frustration, stay
disciplined and focus on what matters. You have
to be smart. You have to adjust to and cope with
tough challenges inside the ring, and those prin-
ciples extend to surviving everyday life. When
you compare my career, Olympic defeat in-
cluded, with everything else I’ve been through,
stepping into the ring is the easy part. E

اسسا

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THE RABBIT HOLE

ON MUSIG FESTIVALS

— RADIUS € OVERLAP—

Ever wonder why bands don’t play locally for
months before or after a festival? Thank the
RADIUS CLAUSE, a contractual noncompetition
proviso that defines the exclusivity distance
(e.g., 250 miles) and period (e.g., 60 days) around
afestival. It's designed to keep band appearances
special and lucrative. That said, as an analysis on
Quartz shows, “All music festivals are starting to
look the same.” Below are 11 major festivals and
the number of acts they featured in 2016 that
OVERLAPPED with other fests on the list:

No. overlapping acts | Outside Lands..... 50

— —— —SOUND & VISION — —

In 1969, Woodstock defined our IMAGE of
the modern music festival. The “Aquarian
exposition" promised "three days of peace
and music" and also delivered mud, love,
chaos and intoxication. However, the mod-
ern festival's SOUND had been defined four
years earlier at the 1965 Newport Folk Festi-
val. There, on July 25, Bob Dylan plugged in
his 1964 Sunburst Fender Stratocaster and
sang an electric version of *Maggie's Farm."
This “electrocution” of tradition divided the
folk community, and the wounds had not
healed a year later when, at Manchester's Free
Trade Hall, a fan denounced Dylan as Judas.

sr BEN SCHOTT

"There's always a little bit
of heaven in a disaster area.”

—WAVY GRAVY, WOODSTOCK, 1969

————FESTIGELLANY — ——

Music festivals date back at least to the
PYTHIAN GAMES of ancient Greece, where
singers competed in performing a hymn to
the ORACLE OF DELPHI, accompanied by a
kithara (similar to a lyre). Y More recently,
festivals have exploded in popularity, wield-
ing an economic and social impact that ex-
tends far beyond music and merchandise into
food, fashion, politics, technology, media
and activism. Y According to Nielsen, some
32 MILLION people attended at least one
American music festival in 2014; 46 per-
cent were MILLENNIALS (ages 18 to 34). Y
Below are the HIGHEST-GROSSING FESTIVALS
worldwide in 2015, according to Statista:

Y BONNAROO takes its name from Dr. John's
1974 album Desitively Bonnaroo, which is
apparently Creole for “absolutely” the “best
on the street" (bon + rue). Y LOLLAPALOOZA
is something outstandingly good and, ac-
cording to H.L. Mencken, may derive (via
Irish usage) from the French “Allez-fusil,”
which translates as “Forward, muskets!”
Y Below are the comforts missed most by
British festival-goers (festivalawards.com):

Clean toilet. . . . 23% | Cell reception . . . 6%
Bedre atara 18% | Phone charger . . . 5%
Shower....... 10% | Nothing...... 33%

——GOACHELLA @’S € #S —

Festival organizers and
sponsors are increas-
ingly analyzing digital
media to get a fan's-eye
view of an event. Re-
search by Cision fromthe
2016 Coachella festival's
first weekend reveals:

Artists with most media mentions
(1) Zedd (2) Guns N’ Roses
(3) LCD Soundsystem (4) Grimes

Most buzzed-about celebrities
(1) Kesha (2) Kardashians (3) Taylor Swift

Brand partners with most media coverage
(1) H&M (2) Perverse Sunglasses
(3) T-Mobile (4) Absolut

Top Twitter handles, by followers
@mtv @eonline @tip Cvoguemagazine

NAUGHTY € NICE———‏ ل

These are the “substance terms” most often
used in relation to major U.S. music festi-
vals, according to DrugAbuse.com's March
2015 analysis of 3.6 million Instagram posts:

Speaking of munchies, hippie ice-cream hawk-
ers BEN & JERRY’S have created two festival fla-
vors: Bonnaroo Buzz (coffee and maltice cream
with whiskey cara-
mel and toffee) and ==

. . "
RUE N: -

Glastonberry (vanilla
ice cream with fudge :
brownie and rasp- AO
berry swirls).

WOODSTOCK, 1969: August 15-16 - Richie Havens. Swami Satchidananda - Sweetwater. Bert Sommer. Tim Hardin - Ravi Shankar. Melanie Safka- Arlo Guthrie Joan Baez. August 16-17۰ Quill. Country Joe McDonald

- Santana - John B. Sebastian - Keef Hartley Band - The Incredible String Band. Canned Heat. Mountain - Grateful Dead - Creedence Clearwater Revival‘ Janis Joplin - Sly and the Family Stone - The Who Jefferson

Airplane - August 17-18 ٠ Joe Cocker. Country Joe andthe Fish‘ Ten Years After. The Band - Johnny Winter. Blood, Sweat and Tears. Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young Paul Butterfield Blues Band - ShaNaNa- Jimi Hendrix

20Q

KHALIFA

The Pittsburgh-raised rapper and weed entrepreneur smoked a mere two joints before this
interview. Clarity ensues as he takes on everything from cops to Kanye

sr JEFF WEISS Pphotocrarny sy TODD COLE

Q1: You will have released two albums by the end
of this year. Khalifa came out in February, and
Rolling Papers 2: The Weed Album will drop later
this summer. What phase are you in right now as
an artist?
KHALIFA: I’m in the reinvention stage,
like when Justin Bieber was a child and
then transformed himself into a dif-
ferent person but one who was still suc-
cessful. I was a streetwear brand, and
now I'm a high-end designer. People are
going to accept me as a grown man. A lot
of people don’t even know I’m only 28
because I’m kind of ageless.
Q2: Your song “Black and Yellow” reached num-
ber one on Billboard and was nominated for two
Grammys. Did you know it would be a huge hit?
KHALIFA: I actually did. It was crazy.
As soon as they played the beat, I
thought of the hook in two seconds.
After [2010 mixtape] Kush & Orange
Juice, I knew I had to switch up my
style and do something different, but
how could I do that and make the label

and myself happy? So I wrote a bunch
of songs about the first thing I thought
of—whether it was corny or stupid, I was
going to record it. But once we recorded
“Black and Yellow,” the label went back
and forth on it. I was like, “Man, that’s
the song. That song is the shit.” They
waited all summer for me to try to record
other shit, and still I was like, ^That's
the song!" I took it back to Pittsburgh,
played it for a roomful of people and was
like, "This is my new single." They were
so excited to hear it. Then when I played
it, they were like, “Damn, he about to
lose again.”

Q3: What kind of artists did you gravitate to

when you were growing up?
KHALIFA: The people who had a crew,
who had their own slang. Of course Wu-
Tang, because they had the whole math-
ematics and the science and all. That's
why I was into Bone Thugs-N-Harmony.
It’s the unity of it all: being able to know
what to look forward to and disconnect

from everybody else and be like, “This
is my shit.” And then the older I got, I
started liking Cam’ron more because
of his personality. That’s howI see my-
self as a rapper: this cocky, fly...you
know what I mean, jewelry. I thought,
When I become a rapper, that's how I'm
gonna act.
Q4: Your parents were in the Air Force. You were
born in North Dakota, but you grew up in England,
Japan, Germany, Oklahoma, South Carolina,
Georgia and Pennsylvania. Did constantly mov-
ing prepare you for the rigors of fame?
KHALIFA: I'm pretty sure it's just my in-
tuition. That's how my parents raised
me: to see through bullshit and always
tell the truth. It's hard to fool me. I've
always been super chill—fun-loving,
trying to get along with everybody.
Q5: What was Pittsburgh like when you were
growing up there?
KHALIFA: It was fucked-up and really
dark. A lot of shootings and gang
violence. I saw people get killed. You'd

get off the bus and somebody would be
dead and they'd be cleaning it up. A lot
of waking up in the morning and seeing
people you knew dead on the news.

Q6: Did you personally encounter police brutality?

KHALIFA: Hell, yeah. Cops there are
crazy. I've never been pulled over with-
out them having a gun to my head.
Even with traffic stops, they'll put a
gun to your head and say, “Get the fuck
out the car. What you got?" Searching
you, breaking shit, twisting your arm.
They're cool about weed, though. I got
jammed up a lot in Pittsburgh, but I
never did real time.

Q7: What are your thoughts on the Black Lives
Matter movement?

KHALIFA: It's about knowledge. A lot
of people are surprised that this still
exists, and when the media puts it out
there, people get upset. But it's about
education and figuring out how to de-
fend yourself and how to fight back and
not be a victim. They victimize us be-
cause we don't know. Body cameras?
That shit is just to make people think
we're safe. We ain't safe. It's not about
fightingthe cops physically. You have to
know how to outsmart them, and what
they can and can't do to you. That won't
make things all good, but it will help
level the playing field.

Q8: There was a lot of controversy about race
surrounding this year's Academy Awards. What
did you think about it?

KHALIFA: I didn't pay attention to that

that relationship helped me out a lot. I
learned how to be present where I need
to be present. I'd been present in the re-
lationship, but at that age and with what
was going on, it just wasn’t right for me.
It helps to walk away sometimes, even
though it was super hard.

Q10: Did the public nature of your divorce make
things more difficult?

KHALIFA: Definitely. Dealing with a
breakup or a divorce is hard enough, let
alone for it to be public and on TV and
radio. Suddenly everyone has advice. I’m
a private dude, so I only talk to my family
and the people next to me. I don’t trust
anybody with information, so I would
never tell a rapper how I really felt.

Q11: Do you think you'll ever get married again?

KHALIFA: I think I will, but it will be
later. It was cool; it was fun. I learned
a lot. Things that would’ve taken me
much longer to learn, I learned in a
short period of time. I feel like I'll prob-
ably get married again when I’m in my
50s. Iwas sad after it ended, but I wasn’t
depressed; I’ve never really been de-
pressed in my life. I was sad because
we were going through a lot and my son
was involved, and that hurt me because
my main goal is to raise my son how I
want. I’m a control freak, and not being
able to control that was weird. I didn’t
know how to deal with it and didn’t un-
derstand that feeling. A year later, I’m
way smarter and better equipped to
deal with it.

KHALIFA: That was a weird situation, be-
cause it was something I would do in real
life. All I did was speak my mind. I'm a
Max B fan, and if me and Kanye were in
a room and he said, “Yo, Imma name
my album Waves,” I'd be like, “Don't do
that. You're not allowed to do that." No-
body really does that these days. Nobody
checks niggas like, ^Nah, nigga." Noone
is above being spoken to, and if you've
got real friends, they'll tell you how they
feel. That's how I handle all my situa-
tions in real life. Even if I havea problem
with somebody, I'm not gonna advertise
it. We can go around the corner and we
can really do it. But all in front of peo-
ple? That's not me. Niggas talk shit
every day, and niggas say shit about my
ex, niggas say shit about my kid. It's all
good. There's competition in rap, and
Kanye obviously sees me as that.

Q14: You split with Warner Bros. Records when you
were 21. Did you worry that was the end for you?

KHALIFA: It was crazy, but I never saw
that as the end for me. I always hus-
tled on my own, and I knew there was
something wrong with them; it wasn't
me. They thought I was this pop kid.
They thought I was going take a bunch
of samples and flip them into club
songs because "Say Yeah" was one of
the first times that had been done on
arap level. The beat was so hard, there
was so much bass in it, so they thought
that's what they do in Pittsburgh—
they take dance songs and flip them.

too much, because I feel like black peo- Q12: You tweeted about a Pam Grier movie a They were trying to do that shit, and it
ple are always being shit on. They stand while back. Now that you're single, who are your wasn't working. And I was giving them
up and shit on us publicly at the Oscars, top five ideal women? other songs, and they weren't taking

and when you put gas on it, then it be-
comes a thing. Black people should boss
up and say ^We don't give a fuck," and
then really not give a fuck. If you nomi-
nate me and I get an award, cool. But if
you don't, I don't give a fuck.

Q9: Have there been moments in your life when
you think making a different decision would have

KHALIFA: Pam Grier, Michelle Pfeiffer as
Catwoman, 1990s-era Madonna, Apollo-
nia Kotero from Purple Rain and Poca-
hontas. I like classic chicks, not these
new girls who aren't really stunning. All
those women are stunning, classic beau-
ties. If they came in here now, they would
be awesome and beautiful—cool people

them. They didn't know what to do with
me. When I asked to be released it was
like, “All right, what's next?” They
didn't really give me that much fuck-
ing money, but I was making money. I
was good. I had a big-ass chain. I was
21. I just thought, I'll smoke weed and
come up with another plan.

completely altered your trajectory? on top of being sexy as fuck. Q15: Did you like weed the first time you
KHALIFA: Probably just my relationship Q13: You also had a very public Twitter beef with smoked it?
with Amber Rose. I feel like not being in Kanye West earlier this year. What happened? KHALIFA: Nah, I didn't really like it at

BLACK PEOPLE SHOULD BOSS UP AND
SAY “WE DON'T GIVE A FUCK,” AND
THEN REALLY NOT GIVE A FUGK.

first. My mom used to smoke weed a
lot, and I thought it was bad, because
that's how I was programmed to think
as a kid. So for a while I was like, I don’t
need that shit. I ain't trying to smoke.
And then shit got fucked-up when I
was in high school; my mom was at a
point where she wasn't making a lot of
money, and it was like, “Yo, we strug-
gling.” I started hanging out with my
friends, and they were selling weed.
I started selling weed, and then one
night at the studio I was like, “Fuck
it, 'mma smoke.” And then I was like,
“Damn, I love this shit!”

Q16: You've been vocal about marijuana legal-

ization. How involved are you politically with
that issue?

KHALIFA: I'm active, and it's gonna get
bigger and bigger. I just bought a grow
house, and I'm in business with one of
the largest growers in America, but
people don't know that because they're
legal and legit. It's crazy. We're gonna
be manufacturing and selling, so that's
why I’m gonna be trying to help get bills
passed—to talk to the people and ex-
plain, “Hey, this is why you gotta do it.”

Q17: What have your experiences with other
drugs been like?

KHALIFA: I’ve done mushrooms. I
shroomed in Las Vegas for a weekend on

my birthday. I did mushrooms in Swit-
zerland and at Coachella. It was pretty
awesome. But I don't do party drugs.
I've never popped any pills. I've never
done coke. Painkillers make me sick;
I think I'm allergic to them. I tried
Xanax one time, but it made me throw
up, soI was like, “Nah, I don't like this
shit." I did lean, but it just made me
sleepy. It's just cough medicine. I don't
know whatitis with rappers on lean, be-
cause that shit don't help. It don't help
you be creative, it don't help you hear
anything differently. I think they do it
and they get addicted.

Q18: It seems that weed is becoming legal

everywhere and is less subversive now. Has

that changed how much you want to publicly

embrace it?
KHALIFA: The whole world doesn't have
to know you're getting stoned. I feel
like the rebel part of it is what made me
think, Yo, I gotta smoke everywhere; I
gotta do this because fuck that! But now
Iwannabe high on the low. I still smoke
a lot, but I definitely smoke less. Today
I probably only smoked two joints, but
back in the day I'd be tripping if I only
smoked two joints. To other people,
it's like, “What? Wiz only smoked two
joints?" But guess what—I'm fucking
high. I feel great.

Q19: Who do you make music for?
KHALIFA: Anybody who thinks, who
likes Bob Marley, who likes Willie Nel-
son, who likes Prince, who loves music
and poetry. It could be a young person
who doesn't know why they love the
music or an old person who wonders,
Why isn't music like this anymore? I
don’t give a fuck about an awards show. I
love my cars, but that's just me as a per-
son. I go crazy trying to come up with
new ways to do shit, and that energy gets
transferred through my music.

Q20: You're touring this summer with Snoop

Dogg, who is 44. Where do you see yourself in 10,

20 and 50 years?
KHALIFA: In 10 years I'll be a billion-
aire. I'm going to hit a lick, the big-
gest one ever, and people are going to
be like, “What the fuck?" In 20 years
I'm not even going to give a fuck about
money. In 50 years I'll probably be back
to caring about money, on the road,
chilling, doing young shit, because I’m
going to be bored. I've already done it
all, so I'm just going to get back out
here and do this again. a

A new series reminds us that Winona Ryder is more than a Hollywood survivor and GIF-able internet goddess

“You have to believe that the craziest thing is
going to happen,” says Matt Duffer, who with
his twin brother, Ross, created the Netflix
series Stranger Things, premieringthis month.
He’s referringto their first choice for one ofthe
show's lead roles—a single mom in 1980s subur-
bia whose son goes missingin connection with
asecretgovernmentexperiment. Mattgoeson:
“Sometimes it doesn’t, but sometimes it does.
And then you’re on set with Winona Ryder and
you have to pinch yourself.”

It’s tempting to cite Stranger Things as
the latest evidence of a Winona renaissance
(Winonaissance?) following her exquisite
performance in David Simon’s 2015 HBO
miniseries Show Me a Hero and ahead oftheun-
confirmed yet rapturously awaited Beetlejuice
sequel. But the truth is that Ryder, now 44, has
been working for the past decade—after that
one scandal and an ensuing four-year hiatus.

The projects have ranged from family dra-
mas to shoot-’em-ups, and most of them, with

the exception of Star Trek, have been flops.
But this seemingly random string of roles isn't
random at all. It's aremarkably brave response
to what happened one December afternoon at
Saks Fifth Avenue in Beverly Hills.

In hindsight, Ryder's 2001 arrest for shoplift-
ingmarkedacrucialshiftin American culture—
adividingline between people becoming famous
for their talent and people becoming famous
for, well, trying to become famous. Just months
afterward, Harvey Levin debuted the TV show
Celebrity Justice, which covered the shoplifting
trial exhaustively and led to Levin's creation of
TMZ a few years later. In 2002, Gawker Media
launched, and one of its earliest scoops was the
Paris Hilton sex tape. Of course, the scandal that
followed created Hilton’s career instead of pre-
venting it. Next came The Real Housewives, the
Kardashians, the YouTube stars, the Instagram
influencers, the Republican candidate for pres-
ident. These days, there’s no such thing as bad
press, only bad engagement.

Ryder could have leveraged her newfound in-
famy: a posttrial reality show, a sit-down with
Oprah. But other than appearing in a 2003
Marc Jacobs ad campaign that slyly sent up her
felonious past, she took along break. And when
she returned, she did so quietly, determined to
take risks and play against type—an especially
bold move given Hollywood’s ageism when
it comes to substantial female roles. She did
slapstick with David Arquette (the admittedly
terrible Darwin Awards) and a Vogue cover.
She did a CBS TV movie and modeled for Rag
& Bone. She stole scenes in Black Swan and
played a mannequin in a Killers video. In her
constant mingling of high and low she practi-
cally out-Franco’d James Franco.

To Matt and Ross Duffer, though, Ryder has
always been a leading lady of the highest order.
“It’s that movie star thing,” says Ross. “I don’t
know how to articulate it, but you either have it
or you don’t. And she obviously does. Winona
goes all-in.”— Sean Manning

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A horny anthropomorphic hot dog in love
with a doe-eyed bun. A used condom with a
face, loitering in a seedy park. A booze bot-
tle named Firewater intoning pseudo-Native
American mysticisms while puffing sativa.
It may look like one, but Sausage Party is no
Pixar family feels fest.

Those who have belly-laughed their way
through Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg’s
stony, filthy films—Pineapple Express, This
Isthe Endand The Interview, to name a few—
maybe surprised to learn thatthe duo is stak-
ingoutaspotin cinematic history with their
latest effort: Sausage Party is the first-ever
CGI-animated movie to be given an R rating.
Writers Rogen, Goldberg, Kyle Hunter and
Ariel Shaffir, along with directors Greg Tier-
nan and Conrad Vernon, are on a mission to
loosen up mainstream animation—much like
Sausage Party's racy small-screen predeces-
sors South Park, Family Guy and Archer.

They’ve got their work cut out for them.
“Outside the United States, audiences are
accustomed to animated movies for grown-

FILM

The Filthy Pixel Revolution

Seth Rogen’s Sausage Party may just launch a new era of R-rated animation

ups, like Chico and Rita and Persepolis,” says
a source from another studio that has dab-
bled in animation. “But here, where produc-
tion costs can run higher than $200 million
and animated films are ‘family fare,’ it takes
nerves of steel to gamble on something that's
rated R. That's one reason Warner Bros. made
its R-rated Batman: The Killing Joke strictly
for home-video release.”

Rogen, who, until Sony stepped up, had
been trying since 2008 to mount the $30 mil-
lion project, says, "We've made this insane
movie, packed with every joke you'd expect
from something called Sausage Party, but
what you don't assume is that we also have an
unpredictable, sweet story about people from
different cultures—people who don't under-
stand each other learning to relate and get
along. So there's a good theological analogy to
be had too. We set the bar high: On a level of
story, character and emotion, we had to make
it as great as those Pixar movies. Visually, it
had to be ona Toy Story 3 level. And we agreed
that we couldn’t make fun of it.”

They don’t. Still, Sausage Party has more
in common with such raucous curiosities as
Fritz the Cat or the more recent Anomalisa
than with Frozen or Minions. Says Rogen,
laughing, “Look, I play the hot dog hero
Frank, and for added authenticity Frank
is molded off my dick. I’m actually playing
my own dick, and it’s one of my best per-
formances. Greg Tiernan has worked with
DreamWorks for 20 years, and like he says,
today that studio wouldn’t even do the edgy
dialogue they did in Shrek—dialogue like
‘Dead broad off the table!’ and ‘Eat me!’ Pixar
would never do that. Hopefully, we'll set a
precedent the way Deadpool did for super-
hero movies.”

“We showed Sacha Baron Cohen the movie,”
adds Goldberg, who launched his career with
Rogen, writing episodes of Da Ali G Show,
“and he was traumatized and personally ap-
palled. It was nice to shock even him.” If the
actor who once pretended to masturbate ona
crowded Manhattan street was shocked, trust
us: He won't be the only one.— Stephen Rebello

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BOOKS

GLOWES GOMES ALIVE

A best-seller, a Hollywood adaptation and the tragedy that made cartoonist Daniel Clowes question it all

“You want to see my studio?”

On the second floor of a green craftsman
house in the East Bay city of Piedmont, Daniel
Clowes’s work space is a study in organized
chaos. Pencils, erasers, pens, T squares, tape,
scissors, ink, virgin paper. The blinds are
closed. A desk supporting an old Apple sits on
one side of the room, a drafting table on the
other. Clowes kicks up his feet. A flyswatter
hangs an arm’s length away.

“There’s nothing worse than trying to draw
and having bugs flying around,” he explains,
his voice cracking an octave, a raspy cough
erupting. “Sorry, I’m just getting over a cold.
Jesus, I sound like a chain-smoker.”

He’s taller than I expected. Thinner too. At
55, the cartoonist has a gray beard that’s thicker
than the hair on his head (as depicted in the self-
portrait above). His hawkish blue eyes shift be-
hind black frames; you can see the gears in his
mind turning. He’s more eager to talk about the
Golden State Warriors than
himself. Despite years of media
attention, Daniel Gillespie
Clowes isn’t quite mainstream—he writes and
pens beautiful, cerebral comic books in an age
when the spandex set has conquered Hollywood—
but he’s far more than a fringe demigod.

He's banked a PEN award, a 2001 Oscar nom-
ination for his Ghost World adaptation (which

sy ADAM POPESCU

stars athen unknown Scarlett Johansson), cov-
ers for The New Yorker and a serial in The New
York Times Magazine. Patience, his most recent
graphic novel, took five years to create and
became a best-seller within five days of its re-
lease. This fall, Woody Harrelson will play a bit-
ter schlub attempting to make
peace with his dying father in
Wilson, the cartoonist’s third
feature-length page-to-screen translation.

As he settles into the conversation, it’s clear
that Clowes is not the Howard Beale-like
angry man often portrayed in the press. Years
of solitude and professional struggles branded
him, but a health scare and, just last February,

the death of a close friend and colleague seem
to have changed everything.

In 2003, his doctor detected a heart murmur.
Three years later, when they realized his heart
was growing so quickly it would soon kill him,
Clowes underwent open-heart surgery that
lasted seven hours. “I had that feeling: This is
it, Tm done. I was programmed to die at 46."

The man’s heart was just too big. It was
genetics, not stress, but it didn’t help that while
he was recovering, Art School Confidential, his
second book turned into a film, failed to match
the success of Ghost World.

Seated in his studio, Clowes runs a finger
down his chest where the scalpel cut him open.
With his Lynchian take on modern Rockwell
Americana, Clowes fathered the movement
of visual-literary comics. Gaston Dominguez-
Letelier, owner of Meltdown Comics, calls him
“our greatest living graphic novelist.” Adrian
Tomine says he’s “one of the greatest living art-
ists in any medium.” And Chris Ware, author
of the Joycean graphic novel Jimmy Corrigan:
The Smartest Kid on Earth, says, “He’s one of
the funniest people I’ve ever met. Dan is well
aware that an awkward drawing is more likely
to stay in the memory than a virtuosic one.”

An avid comics reader growing up, Clowes
was skeptical of certain mainstream titles.
“Superman doesn’t make any rational sense.
Even as a kid I thought, If this guy has super-
powers, why would he beat up small-time crim-
inals? That’s basically the work of a beat cop.”

His parents divorced when he was two. Three
years later, his stock-car-racing stepfather died
inawreck. Bouncing between relatives, Clowes
devoured comics passed down by his older
brother. “Mad magazine, Betty and Veronica,
all the early Marvel. I still have Fantastic Four
number one. I read everything.”

At 18, Clowes enrolled in New York’s Pratt
Institute. After graduating in 1984, he built a
portfolio that his professors praised but that
failed to get magazine editors’ attention. “I put
in little ripped-up pieces of paper that would
have moved if they'd opened it,” he says.

He spent a depressing time in Chicago and
then in small-town Michigan. For fun, he made
his own comics. “I didn’t actually think I'd ever
make a living doing comics. I thought maybe it
would lead to something.”

It did. Clowes unleashed years of bottled
frustration in his 1986 parody Lloyd Llewellyn
and 1989’s sublimely kitschy Eightball series.
Back then, if you couldn’t pop claws or web-
swing, you weren’t breaking registers in the
comics game. But Seattle’s Fantagraphics saw
what no one else did, publishing both.

Never charting a straight path, Clowes had
a Dennis Rodman-short first marriage. But
then Eightball started to develop a follow-
ing, and Clowes drew dozens of album covers
for Sub Pop Records—without listening to the
music, which he hated.

In 1993, Coca-Cola tapped rising artists
Clowes and Charles Burns to design the look of
OK Soda. The drink was a flop, but it marked
the cartoonist’s first major payday. And he got
it because Eight-
ball’s Ghost World
arc, spanning 1993
to 1997, was becom-
ing a crossover
smash. When Ghost
World was collected
inastand-alone edi-
tion in late 1997, the
tale of angsty teen
alienation attracted
alarge audience. “It
remainsthe best-sellingbookin Fantagraphics
history,” says cartoonist turned publisher Eric
Reynolds, who estimates the title has sold
about 1 million books and comics.

Clowes found a fresh start in California,
meeting a Berkeley lit student named Erika
Katz at a 1992 signing. They fell in love and
married three years later, and this time it
stuck. These days, they have a great kid, great
house, great life. And it seems that after years
on the periphery, Clowes is poised to break
through in Hollywood. Maybe. If Wilsonisn’ta
success, it could signal the end of Clowes's flir-
tation with the mainstream. But if the movie is
another win, then what?

When I pose this question, it becomes obvi-
ous that recent events have made it irrelevant.
After confining himselfto his studio for years,
leaving only to pick up his son from school,
Clowes was faced with a tragedy that shook
him to his core. As Patience went to press in
February, his friend and manager, Alvin Bue-
naventura, who had meticulously overseen
production on the book, died suddenly at the
age of 39.

Thetwo met when fifth-grader Buenaventura
approached Clowes at the San Diego Comic-Con
in the 1980s. There were no lines at Clowes's
booth—he wasn'tastarthen—but Buenaventura
idolized him. The two would later work closely
together, and Buenaventura became Clowes's
manager-confidant-production savant.

His death “puts things into perspective,
that's for sure," Clowes says. “To still be in-
volved with the book, to be out promoting and
allthat—it still feels like I'm connected to him.

As that kind of drifts away, I’m becoming more
and more aware of having to process that he’s
really gone. You find very few people in your life
you can really trust like that."

Does it matter that Patience is a best-seller?

“Well, on that level, certainly not,” he re-
plies. “But it feels like he lives on in the book.
By pure accident, on the opening spread with
all the credits, I drew his credit on a rock float-
ing off into oblivion. It feels incredibly tragic

“I HAD THAT FEELING:
THIS IS IT, PM DONE.

I WAS PROGRAMMED
TO DIE AT 46."

butalso somewhat comforting. WhenIseethat
rock floating off, I imagine there's something
about him still floating around."

Buenaventura was the buffer between

Clowes and the outside world, handling every-
thing from travel to e-mails. He left with all
Clowes's online passwords, forcing the artist
out from behind the page. But for this very pri-
vate man to mourn now? The timing seems a
cruel cosmic joke.
Why does Clowes's work resonate? Why did
Ghost World strike such a deep chord? And
why is Wilson, 77 pages of vignettes center-
ingon a fractured family, so powerful? Maybe
because, unlike the Marvel and DC hordes,
Clowes's characters are powerless to stem the
tide of change. They're all flawed, relatable.
No wonder his fan base includes literary types,
confused kids and film execs.

And what of his reputation as an angry re-
cluse? It turns out the one most responsible for
that label is Clowes himself.

"People have an impression of me that I'm
either an ivory-tower elitist, an intellectual-
ist looking down on everyone or cynical and
depressed. I was pretty angry; I still am. As
a young man, I held an optimism about the
world. When so many things that should not
happen do, you see the frustrations of human-
ity beat you down, and it makes you angry."

It’s clear, however, that among the sly humor,
the visible affection for his family and, perhaps
most important, the vivid panels of Patience,
that primal optimism is still alive.

“In my case,” Clowes says, “I came out on the
other side.” H

COLUMN

FRANCOFILE

A conversation with Danny McBride about Eastbound & Down, substitute teaching,
Your Highness and his new show, Vice Principals

JAMES FRANCO: Did you always want

to make movies?

DANNY MCBRIDE: I started mak-

ing movies when I was in fifth grade. I

made movies all through middle school

and high school. We had a series of

shorts called Fools TV. We made Fools

TV 1 and then Fools TV 3: The Search
‚for Part 2. We did something called

Stand By Me: Part 2, where the dead

kid comes alive, follows those boys back

home and murders them. Everything

was about drugs and killing people.

FRANCO: You actually went to film

school at University of North Carolina

School of the Arts with David Gordon

Green, who directed Pineapple Ex-

press, Your Highness and Eastbound

& Down, and Jody Hill, who wrote and
directed Eastbound & Down and your

new HBO show, Vice Principals.

MCBRIDE: We all wrote and worked

on stuff together at school. When we

got to L.A., we tried to maintain that.

We would go to our day jobs and at

night work on scripts together. After

being out there for a few months, David got
his second film, Allthe Real Girls. We were all
planning to work on it, and then the financ-
ing fell apart. That was startling, because we
felt like there was this momentum. Like, fuck,
even a guy like David, who got written aboutin
Time magazine, can lose funding for a movie?
That was the wake-up call. Everyone was sort
of realigning. I was couch surfing. Me and my
girlfriend broke up, and I was depressed and
didn’t know whether I wanted to stay in L.A.
or go back to Virginia. I ended up going to Vir-
ginia for a little bit and substitute teaching and
writing. I thought, I don’t need to live in L.A. to
write a script. Maybe I just need to get my arse-
nal filled up and then I'll go back, you know?
FRANCO: Holy shit, you were a substitute
teacher? Your character on Eastbound & Down
is asubstitute teacher, and Vice Principals is set
in a high school.

MCBRIDE: I was coming up with ideas for
that stuff when I was subbing. A lot of times I

PHOTOGRAPHY BY DAVE MA

BY
JAMES FRANCO

felt really embarrassed about being a substi-
tute teacher. I felt like I was still the same age
as those kids. I was only a few years older than
they were, but I always felt like I had to let them
know I was on the level, like I wasn’t a regular
teacher and shit. [laughs]

FRANCO: Then you and Jody made The Foot
Fist Way. 1 can see the roots of Eastbound &
Down’s Kenny Powers and your character in
Your Highness in Fred Simmons, your Foot
Fist character.

MCBRIDE: We were sort of writing a love letter
and also mocking these Southern men who’d
tried to shape our minds when we were kids.
But as we got into it, we realized it’s funny to
tell a story about somebody who sees the world
differently and to figure out a way to make peo-
ple sort of see it his way by the end. Me and Jody
wanted to do something in that tone again but
where we could have more time. We knew we
were just scratching the surface.

FRANCO: Why do you think that approach

works in Eastbound & Down but not in
Your Highness? It’s similar but maybe
doesn’t work the same way.
MCBRIDE: You don’t think so, James?
[laughs] In Eastbound, Kenny was so
dark it was shocking to people, but I
think it was also intriguing. And really,
it’s the character April. The fact that
something in Kenny is good enough to
want her keeps you invested in him to
see if he figures it out. I feel like we gota
bad shake on Your Highness. We got you
and Natalie Portman in this silly movie
that was made for, like, 13-year-olds,
and I think it just had a target on it.
FRANCO: I wonder if my and Nata-
lie’s involvement distorted what it was
originally intended to be, because in
the early version my character was
pretty minor.
MCBRIDE: He had his arms chopped
off; that’s why my character had to
go on the quest. Then we thought
the movie was really about these two
brothers, so we changed it. We were
still going to chop your arms off, but
the studio was like, “There's no way you're put-
ting James Franco in this movie and have him
have no arms." [laughs]
FRANCO: We’re in Australia now working
on Alien: Covenant. Is doing drama different
from comedy? You told me you felt like you were
doing an awards-show spoof.
MCBRIDE: I feel like I’m hosting the MTV
Movie Awards and I’ve done a reel of all the cool
movies and put myself in them. [laughs] Hon-
estly, I feel dramatic stuff is easier. I just have to
say what’s on this fuckin’ script and make it be-
lievable. I don’t have to have 30 other jokes under
my belt. I remember being nervous to do AsI Lay
Dying. All the actors were murmuring to them-
selves, going through lines. It looks like you’re
tripping with people and everyone’s in their own
world on bad mushrooms. I feel self-conscious
about striking up a conversation. I don’t know
what everyone’s process is—do they want to talk,
or should we be talking as our characters? Idon’t
know. How do I talk to everybody? [laughs] Mi

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CULTURE

Last year I spent almost all my nonworking hours in a sweaty

subterranean boxing gym in lower Manhattan, training for
a fight. And almost every night, after a few hours of hitting
the bags, I would limp to the sorry excuse for a locker room

and strip before a dozen guys fighting for space
on the single long bench separating three moldy,
barely curtained showerheads from a toilet.

Some of my best memories of those months
emerged from that locker room, where I talked
shop with a rotating cast of boxers, taking in the
startling diversity of their bodies: the heavy-
weights with their drooping breasts moving aside
for the 120-pound featherweights who picked
their way, pantherlike, among us. Men of every
size and color—freckled, scarred or tattooed
like me—navigated a space smaller than my
studio apartment with the assurance of a group
accustomed to nimble footwork and tuning out
the sight of another guy’s flopping member.

After the fight, I joined the high-end gym
across from my Union Square office. Its tiled,
wood-paneled locker room with glass-door
shower stalls and clinical atmosphere immedi-
ately made me feel strange, nearly feral. Here
men changed in hushed and concentrated
silence. Aside from a few peacocky muscle bros
who strutted with practiced nonchalance, we
undressed in the showers or corners, exposing
ourselves for no more than a second. After a few
weeks I found myself missing the stinking, toilet-
paper-strewn locker room at the boxing gym. I
started to feel that in our privacy we were tacitly
agreeing we had something shameful to hide.

It wasn’t always this way. S3 Design co-founder
Bryan Dunkelberger, who has done design work
for Equinox and other gyms, says gang show-
ers were the standard as late as the 1990s. He’s
quick to add that today’s gym user would “revolt”
at the idea. “People are more modest now versus
the 1960s,” he says. Rising demand for amenities
that he helped pioneer is partly to blame. “You
can’t think of too many times in life when you’re
going to stand naked in public,” he says. “If you
ask somebody if they’d like to shower in front of
10 men or in a stall, most would take the stall.”

He’s right. But what if our need for isola-
tion isn’t rooted in modesty but in something
darker—something more like shame?

Brené Brown, a University of Houston re-
search professor, defines shame as “the fear of
disconnection,” whose roots lie in “excruciat-
ing vulnerability.” In a 2010 TED Talk she said,

“In order for connection to happen, we have to
allow ourselves to be seen, really seen.”

As a trans man, my instinct is to hide my
nudity. It’s worth noting that I can pass, which
means my gender is rarely questioned. (For those
inaless privileged position, fighting for the right
to safely use a locker room often means arguing
for single-stall changing areas.) But I was sur-
prised at both how easy it was to be exposed at
the boxing gym and how meaningful it could
be. When a brusque guy from the Bronx asked
me about the scars crisscrossing my chest and
I mumbled something about a car accident, a
man who overheard chastised the questioner
for being rude. After a few weeks of towel-and-
shorts acrobatics, I realized no one would admit
to looking at my dick in the first place. Although
the implications were troubling, the result was a
feeling of freedom I'd never known in this body.

Something in me had shifted in that cramped
gym downtown. When I glimpsed myself in the
filthy mirror, surrounded by men of all shapes
and sizes, I saw my body clearly, liberated from
shame: functional, muscled and with a story all
its own. My new gym took that freedom away.

By the 2000s, the gang shower had died,
coinciding with the rise of
metrosexuals—those Gen X and
older millennials suddenly the
target of marketing campaigns
touting the urbanity of caring about the shape
of your abs and the fit of your shirt.

The “metrosexual effect,” as R. Tyson Smith,
sociologist and author of Fighting for Recog-
nition: Identity, Masculinity and the Act of
Violence in Professional Wrestling, calls it, chal-
lenged norms of masculinity, but Smith sees the
result as a net negative. “The policing of bodies
we've traditionally reserved for women has ex-
tended to mean that those anxieties are felt more
by men,” he says. “That's notagain for feminism.”

Dunkelberger traces the move toward mod-
esty in locker-room design to the 1980s, when
fitness culture graduated from YMCAs and
high school gyms to a spin-crazed, Richard
Simmons-style middle-class commodity. Baby
boomers were raised on spartan facilities that
prized functionality; Gen Xers and millennials

sy THOMAS
PAGE MCBEE

grew up expecting some-
thing very different. “Mil-
lennials hit college, where
locker rooms still had gang
showers, and said, “What is
this?’” Dunkelberger says.

In Smith’s view, the move
toward gym modesty has more complicated ori-
ginsthan consumer preference. Hecitesanother
trend ofthe 1970s and 1980s as a major culprit:
the rise of a visible post-Stonewall gay move-
ment. “With gay liberation came the idea that
anyone can be gay,” he says, and that gave the
gang shower a very different meaning. “I have
to believe that in a post-closet society there's
also a secondary response, a heightened con-
cern around privacy in more intimate spaces.”

Dunkelberger's locker-room designs, which
balance the demand for privacy with open
space, seem to highlight that concern. “The
more privacy you provide, the more opportu-
nity for mischief,” he says. His team now situ-
ates saunas in high-traffic areas, “so you feel
less like you can go back there and hide.”

The irony is that the modern locker room pro-
vides only the illusion of privacy: Every body
within is under constant watch. “We want to lay
it out so staff members can walk from the front
to the back and see everything,” Dunkelberger
says. “It’s a funny balance. The last thing you
want is someone to walk into a locker room and
not feel comfortable and safe.”

For Dunkelberger, gyms give customers what
they want: more space, more pri-
vacy, more walls. I for one am glad
my gym doesn’t have agang shower,
but not because I’m ashamed. It’s
because my body is in danger—because most
men haven't seen a body that looks like mine.
The way things are going, very few ever will.

Even after I began injecting testosterone, I
would blur parts of myself when facing a mir-
ror. Some nights when my coach and I closed the
boxing gym and I was the only guy left, I would
turn toward the mirror above the sinks, nude,
and stay there for a few seconds, practicing
making myself visible. I highly recommend it.

Tonight after work, TIl goto the gym across the
street and change in the shower. I'll be grateful
for the amenity, but I'll wrestle with the implica-
tion. Stripping down, I'll imagine a world where
guys like me can relax, exposed as the men we
are. And picturing such a world—positioning my
towel just so, walking back to face my locker—T' ll
think, as I always do, that this isn’t it. m

POLITICS

ODSAVE

THE GOP

Paul Ryan is trying to rescue a Republican party that doesn’t want to be saved

Speaker of the House Paul D. Ryan lost
this summer, and he wasn’t even in a
race. Ryan may not have been on primary
and caucus ballots, but the anger that vot-
ers conveyed was intended for him and
his agenda just as much as it was aimed
at the establishment candidates who
went down along the way. By voting to
give the GOP presidential nomination to
acertain Apprentice host, voters soundly
rejected Bush Republicanism—or what
Ryan calls “the principles of our party.”

That party has defined nearly all of
Ryan’s life. Ryan, 46, grew up Catho-
lic in Janesville, Wisconsin, where he
flipped hamburgers at McDonald’s dur-
ing summer breaks. After college, he
took his aw-shucks persona to Capitol
Hill, where he worked as a staffer for
Republican politicians and immersed
himself in GOP economic dogma.

But Ryan’s origin story really begins
with his part-time job waiting tables at Tortilla
Coast, a Tex-Mex cantina across the street from
the Republican National Committee. One night,
he served former GOP congressman Jack Kemp
of New York; it was love at first sight. Once a star
quarterback for the Buffalo Bills, Kemp parlayed
his gridiron success into a seat in Congress,
where he made a name for himself in the 1970s
by championing tax cuts, promoting hawkish
internationalism and reaching out to minori-
ties. In the 1980s and 1990s, he tried and failed
to become president and then vice president.

Ryan founda mentor in Kemp, whoencouraged
his protégé to follow his footsteps into Congress—
even if Kemp was an unusual model for an ambi-
tious politician. “Jack was always a day late and
a dollar short,” says Bruce Bartlett, who worked
for Kemp as staff economist. “But he had an enor-
mous amount of intellectual influence.”

In 1998, Ryan was elected and became the
second-youngest member of the House. The
neoconservative Weekly Standard magazine
branded him as one of the “young guns” of Cap-

sy JOHN MERONEY

itol Hill who would lead the GOP into the future.
He went on to chair the House Committee on
the Budget, and in 2012 Mitt Romney selected
Ryan to be his vice presidential running mate—
“an intellectual leader of the Republican Party,”
as Romney called him. Yet their ticket couldn’t
even carry Ryan’s home district and generated
just one percent more votes nationwide in 2012
than John McCain and Sarah Palin did in 2008.

Still, Ryan managed to land on his feet backin
Congress, and last fall when House Republicans
were desperate for a new leader, they chose him
as Speaker. Once again, Ryan was hailed as the
savior of conservative “ideas and principles.”

Then 2016 happened. After hearing Trump,
conservative voters asked themselves what
was “conservative” about GOP-backed trade
policies that have closed more than 50,000
factories in the U.S. since 2000. Why should
they continue to support the globalist agenda,
advocated by Ryan and other Republicans, that
moves jobs once held by Americans offshore? In
state after state, they voted to stop it.

“Republicans lose personality con-
tests, but we win ideas contests.” That was
how Ryan rationalized the defeat of the
Romney-Ryan ticket, a line he repeated
even as Trump racked up victories. In-
stead, voters looked at Ryan’s ideas, as
repackaged by Jeb Bush and other Trump
opponents, and said no thanks.

“Those were policies that were right
in 1980,” says Bartlett, who helped
draft Kemp’s tax-cut bill that Ronald
Reagan signed into law as president in
1981. “Circumstances have changed,
and Ryan and other Republicans are still
echoing the same old tired philosophy."

That hasn't stopped Ryan from pledg-
ingtoridetheseideasintothe Republican
National Convention and the fall cam-
paign. A preview came in March, during
the heat of the primaries, when Ryan's
office announced he would deliver a big,
bold speech aboutthe "state of American

politics." Instead, he rebuked Trump's rhetoric
without naming him and employed such generic
bromides as “My dad used to say, ‘If you're not
part ofthe solution, you're part ofthe problem, "
and "Personalities come and go, but principles
endure." The audience of interns sat expression-
less, some playing with their iPhones. “The big
speech landed with a big thud,” concluded The
Washington Post's Daily 202 newsletter.

Ryan's office tried again in April, this time
promoting a “millennial town hall” with him at
Georgetown, arranged by CNN's conservative
commentator S.E. Cupp. The appearance gen-
erated barely 7,000 views on YouTube.

But Ryan loyalists are a determined bunch,
praying that the Donald will be defeated so they
can launch a “Paul Ryan for President 2020”
campaign. Before Ryan lets them get too far,
he may want to take Reagan's test for success
in national politics and ask himself if he can
answer yes to these two questions: Are you say-
ing something different from what everyone
else is saying? And is anyone listening? E

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INTERVIEW

A-NEHISI COATES

Making the case that the United States government owes black people for what it has done to

themis an unlikely way to become a household name, but that’s what Ta-Nehisi Coates did two

years ago. “The Case for Reparations” was the cover story of the June 2014 issue of The Atlan-

tic, and the publication says the piece brought more unique visitors to its site in a single day

than any other magazine story it had ever run. Coates’s thorough defense of arevolutionary

idea became a star turn. 1 Then came Between the World and Me, a 176-page essay that dou-

bles as aletter to his now 15-year-old son. Init, Coates covers police brutality, spirituality and

coming-of-age in ways that capture how much has and hasn't changed since his adolescence.

Focusing on all the things that threaten black
bodies and the fear produced by that condi-
tion, he soberly reports on the struggles in-
extricably linked to blackness, trading the
traditional tale of freedom and redemption
for one supported by history instead of hope.
The book was instantly hailed as a master-
piece, yielding its author a National Book
Award and a MacArthur Fellowship and end-
ing up as a Pulitzer Prize finalist. Coates went
from simply being critically acclaimed to being
compared to James Baldwin by no less an au-
thority than Nobel Prize winner Toni Morrison.
He’s as shocked by all this as anyone else. A
Kanye-esque college dropout sharing stages
with some of the world’s preeminent scholars
just six years after losing three jobs in seven
years? That would be enough to drive the
average intellectual past the point of hubris.
But not Coates, who seems unable to process
his current success without keeping an inti-
mate acquaintance with tougher times.
Ta-Nehisi Coates was born on September 30,

1975 in Baltimore and grew up on the west side
of the city, the part of town made famous by
HBO’s The Wire. His first book, The Beautiful
Struggle, tells the story of his upbringing, the
product of a pan-African resistance to the toxic-
ity of the 1980s—both the political rhetoric and
the poison flooding the streets. After struggling
through high school, Coates went to Howard
University in Washington, D.C., where his father
worked as a librarian. Although bright and well-
read, the teacher’s son wasn’t a good student,
and he left to pursue a career in journalism.

He bounced from job to job—fired from
Philadelphia Weekly, “basically forced out”
of The Village Voice, laid off from Time (nine
years later he would appear on the Time 100
list)—before landing at The Atlantic in 2008,
initially as a blogger. His posts were pointed,
precise and parsimonious. The only side he
consistently took was the one born of logic.
He called out Barack Obama for his sweeping
critiques of black America the same way he re-
sponded to similar sentiments from the right.

PHOTOGRAPHY BY JORK WEISMANN

He matter-of-factly confronted questions of
race, rejecting optimistic narratives and bas-
ing his conclusions on centuries of irrefutable
American history. That work helped build
trust and a following that made “The Case for
Reparations” possible, which led to Ta-Nehisi
Coates becoming more prominent than he
thinks he should be.

He’s thirsty for challenges. That’s why
he agreed to write a series of Black Panther
comics for Marvel and why he currently lives
in Paris. His approach is self-assured but
short on delusion, qualities reflected in his
demeanor as well as his work.

ESPN’s Bomani Jones met Coates at a café
in Paris’s third arrondissement, across the
street from the apartment he shares with his
wife and son. They talked over dinner and re-
sumed the conversation the next morning ata
Latin Quarter hotel. “He’s uncommonly warm
and gracious when he's comfortable, with a big
laugh and frequent smile,” Jones says. “Some
of that faded when he talked about harder

times, but discomfort never stopped him from
saying what he felt. He's similar in person to
how he comes across on the page: honest, mea-
sured and emotive—and as brilliant as most
of us think he is, which is more than he thinks
of himself.”

PLAYBOY: When did you realize you had
become somebody?

COATES: When I came to The Atlantic 0
been writing for 12 years. The Atlantic is seen
as this arbiter of sophisticated ideas, well en-
sconced in the mainstream consensus, and
then they bring in this dude. I wasn’t mak-
ing the case for reparations back then, but I
was saying that sort of shit. I could see the re-
action, and it built a little bit, and then when
“The Case for Reparations” came
out—holy shit. But even then it was

like, “This is one story, and 1:11 go

back to my life.” I thought Between

the World and Me would hit people

who read shit. When we did Book-

Expo America, the book-trade joint,

there was a line of people to get the
galleys. I was like, “What the fuck?”

And I knew it was some shit when
somebody said to me on Twitter, “Oh,

you've got to be a celebrity to get this

book?" [laughs] Who the fuck wants

a galley? And then when you've got-

ten love from Toni Morrison—it still

didn't hit me. When I started seeing

the reaction to it I thought, Oh, this

is different.

PLAYBOY: Having Toni Morrison
compare you to James Baldwin sounds

like a big deal.

COATES: Yeah, but when she said

that, I feel like people misconstrued it. I felt
her point was "It's a space I felt I was look-
ing for, a certain kind of analysis that I'm not
getting, and I got it from this book—not from
everything he'll write after it, not from any-
thing he wrote before. It's just this book." I
mean, Baldwin is not just The Fire Next Time.
PLAYBOY: I took it as her saying "This dude
might be the next Baldwin." Do you often
downplay your work?

COATES: The Baldwin thing, for me, was in-
tentional. Ilove The Fire Next Time. You've got
this essay in book form; dude is using journal-
ism, using first person, the history, the literary
criticism, all just kind of mashed together. He's
talking about the most essential conflict of his
day. Now here we are in this era, and mother-
fuckers are uploading videos of people getting

INTERVIEW

choked to death, beaten on the street, black
president. This seems like the moment for
that form. Where's that book? My editor said
to me, *The road is littered with motherfuck-
ers who tried to do that." My agent knew Bald-
win. She said, “You just don't come across as a
Jimmy.” [laughs] But she said, “I think you can
doit.” I tried the first time; it did not work. Sec-
ond time, did not work. Third time—we’ve got
something there.

PLAYBOY: What happened between the sec-
ond and third drafts?

COATES: Between the second and third time,
I literally printed out every page, went sen-
tence by sentence and came up with a com-
pletely different structure. I assigned each
paragraph to each heading where I thought it

People start
shouting out

your name

and they ain’t
even talking

about you.

should belong, then I sat down and typed the
whole thing out just to run it through the ma-
chine again. So it’s not that I’m downplaying
it. It’s hard to step back and think about it as
a finished thing. The fact of the matter is I’ve
got to go do that again, and then again, and
then again, and each time different. I’ve got
to do some other shit now, and it’s got to be of
that caliber. It might fail, and there’s no dis-
honor in failure.

PLAYBOY: Since the book has come out, what’s
the biggest change you’ve noticed?

COATES: The book has given me and my family
a level of financial security I never thought we
would have and thus the freedom to go out and
think, Okay, how are we really going to go out
here and do this now? At the same time, I didn’t
realize how much heat there was.

PLAYBOY: Some of that heat came from Cor-
nel West, who basically said you were a neo-
liberal darling who wouldn’t criticize Obama.
Others, including author bell hooks, suggested
the book was written more for white people
than for your son.

COATES: The book couldn’t have been out
more than three days, and I saw this note.
“Look, Cornel West is going after him.” It was
on a Facebook post, and it was clear it had al-
most nothing to do with the book. Then bell
hooks and Kevin Powell got together and went
after the book with some bullshit. It was like
all the people I was reading in the 1990s were
attacking the book. I was like, Damn, what the
fuck is this?

PLAYBOY: You had become a figure.
COATES: Right. And so you lose
yourself. They really are not
talking about you. Glenn Loury
was talking like, “Yeah, I only
flipped through the first few
pages, but this dude was brag-
ging to his son about how he can
find a gun.” I wrote to him and
was like, “Dude, you need to read
the book. I didn’t say none of that
shit.” My elders got their knives
out. I don’t want to say every-
body, but people I’d really stud-
ied and learned from. It’s like,
That’s what it is now?
PLAYBOY: Did any of the criti-
cism hurt?

COATES: All of it hurt. I had
criticized Cornel for going after
Obama, but not in that sort of per-
sonal way. The bell hooks shit hurt
because she was talking about my
son. The Loury shit, that hurt. Eventually I
figured out that they were aiming at the gaze
of white folks. I didn’t account for how much
that shit controls everything. I can’t tell you
how many times I’ve gone somewhere and the
question has been “What’s up with white peo-
ple reading your book?” It alters everything.
You're talking about money right there. But I
think on top of that it’s the prestige part. “Oh,
you’re a MacArthur genius now?” Now people
have to look at you a certain way and talk to you
a certain way, and that has nothing to do with
what you're actually saying. People start shout-
ing out your name and they ain’t even talking
about you.

PLAYBOY: White people are not just reading
it but have also gotten behind it. Is that hard
to comprehend?

COATES: It’s easy. The number of white people
who read books is really small. I mean, what are
we, acountry of 300 million? Two hundred mil-
lion white folks? They haven’t read Between the
World and Me. Another thing: A lot of the shit
people think is crazy is not crazy at all in aca-
demia. If you talk to historians or sociologists
and ask, “Is racism one of the most consistent
themes in American history, without which you
would have trouble conceiving of the country at
all?” they say, “Hell, yeah. I would go further
than that.” Is this country reading its own his-
torians? It was really radical in my
folks’ home, and I thought some of
that shit was crazy. Then I started
reading these historians. A lot of it
wasn’t crazy, and a lot of it was true.
There are enough “elite” people in
academia who can provide the evi-
dence for it. You might not like how
it sounds, but the consensus in ac-
ademia is pretty clear. When I saw
that? I ain’t got to fight you with
what's on 125th. I can fight you with
your own people. That’s Harvard and
Yale. I’ve got your history depart-
ment. Like that great Chuck D line,
“You check out the books they own.”

PLAYBOY: Did you get any push-
back from people who’d worked on
reparations for years about you be-
coming the face of that movement?

COATES: By and large people were
extremely excited to see this taken
seriously. This is what my pops and
that generation fought for. This is
what was supposed to happen. This
is the fruit. The 1960s and 1970s, a
lot of the shit they were saying, it’s
like a scientist who intuitively feels
himself to be correct but doesn’t
have the science. “Everything I
know about this tells me it’s that
way. I ain’t got the scholarship, but I know
what direction it’s supposed to go.” For the
next generation, folks like us, we went off to
school, read some things. I was able to bring
to bear tools they didn’t necessarily have. And
it was like, “Everything you thought was intui-
tively correct? I got it now. You used to say this
whole thing was built on slavery—got it. Foot-
noting and everything, we got it.” How many
black folks wanted to do something like this
but just couldn’t?

PLAYBOY: How was it growing up as a pan-
African in the 1980s and 1990s?

COATES: I’ve always felt black, but I always

INTERVIEW

felt a little outside that real black shit. “Come
on, man, we don't celebrate Christmas, we
don't celebrate Thanksgiving, we don't go to
church.” Really? That's what we're doing now?
It became cool when I was 13, when Public
Enemy came out.

PLAYBOY: And you had to carry that name.
COATES: Oh my God, that was the worst. I'm
like, “Can I just get anormal name?” And then
I went out in the world and realized this was a
normal name. [laughs] I had a crush on a girl
whose name was Mwaneisha. I knew plenty of

girls with names like that. What was I supposed
to say about that, you know?

PLAYBOY: Does the class difference between
how you grew up and how your son is growing
up ever worry you?

COATES: No. I feel like I learned certain stuff
the way I grew up, and those things helped me
later. But the amount of violence in black com-
munities is just off the hook, so I think it’s a net
negative. You’ve got to put it on balance. I think
everybody who goes through that says, “Well,
I’m gonna toughen him up.” See, these white
folks ain’t got to be tough. Tough is for people
without money.

PLAYBOY: Is there anything related to race
that you once believed and now look back on
and say, “What was I thinking?”

COATES: Yeah, there are crazy things that I
believed. That whole iceman thing was total
bullshit.

PLAYBOY: I take it you’re talking about
Michael Bradley’s book The Iceman Inher-
itance, which attributes white racism to,
among other things, sexual maladaptation
in Caucasians.

COATES: See, these motherfuckers believe shit
now and argue on it. I’ve had these
fights with Andrew Sullivan about
IQ. That's his iceman. There's no sci-
ence behind this shit. But see, you’ve
got institutions and guns behind
it, right? You’ve got a whole power
structure behind it that allows them
to stand on the crazy shit I could not
go out on. When I went to Howard
they were like, “Ain’t no way you’re
going to leave here talking that shit.”
These motherfuckers get to go to
Harvard and come out talking that
shit. Charles Murray did this bubble
study. Did you see that shit?
PLAYBOY: I did not.

COATES: Howto determine whether
you live in a bubble or not. It’s totally
based on white people. No black
person would take that study and
have it tell them anything about
their life. This motherfucker got
the backing of Washington. These
motherfuckers just get to spout
crazy. This cat Marty Peretz, who
used to run The New Republic, was
an active racist and bigot spouting
the worst poison in the world. This
guy is in high reaches of society,
getting degrees from Harvard. My
pops said this shit to me one time:
“The African’s right to be wrong is sacred.”
When we’re wrong, it’s craziness, but when
they're wrong, it's... Harvard.

PLAYBOY: In your back-and-forths with
Sullivan and Jonathan Chait, they seemed
to be wondering what was wrong with you.
What was your thought when people said you
seemed down, when you believed you were
dealingin facts?

COATES: That's what they say when they can't
fight you. They abandon the whole thought of
any sort of empirical, historical, evidence-
based argument, and they say, “Well, I don't
like where you're coming from." It’s like if I tell

you I have empirical evidence that the world
is going to end in five days and you’re like, “I
don’t like how that sounds. Why are you bum-
ming me out?” That’s something people apply
to the dialogue around racism but they don't
apply to other shit. Kathryn Schulz won a Pulit-
zer Prize forthis incredible piece that basically
says the Pacific Northwest is goingto get hit by
a huge tsunami that will kill a lot of people. It’s
the most pessimistic, dire shit you'd ever want
to read. What if they said to Schulz, “You could
sing us a song”? When people can't fight you,
they say, “Why are you so pessimistic?” It's a
different question than “Are you correct?”
PLAYBOY: You also wrote in the book about
beingan atheist. Did you have any reservations
about sharing that?

COATES: No. 1 don't know why either.
PLAYBOY: I mean, you could say you worship a
different god in America.
COATES: Right, you can be
spiritual. It's difficult to ex-
plain my perspective in that
book without talking about
atheism. So much of the black
perspective is built on this no-
tion of transcendent spiritual
victory, and I had to explain
why I was estranged from that.
You know what I mean? How I'm
going to get around that. I’ve
got to tell them; otherwise, it’s
not going to be true. There’s an-
other question: Why are all these
black church people reading Be-
tween the World and Me? 1 mean,
people are teaching the book in
church. That I did not expect.
PLAYBOY: Do you worry about going further
than your audience is ready to go?

COATES: No, because I wrote for 12 years and
had no audience. I'm prepared for it to go. I
loved writing before this and I will love writ-
ing after this. I loved it when it made no money.
I love it now that it makes more money. I will
love it when it goes back to making no money
again. It’s not for that. And the minute you let
them take it from you, the minute it becomes
for them, you are lost.

PLAYBOY: How good do you think you are at
writing?

COATES: I’m a good writer. I think there are
very few people who can do journalism, do his-
tory, form an argument, an argument with a
brain, and then write in such a way that it gets
at your heart also. I’m thinking about Isabel
Wilkerson. I think of Nikole Hannah-Jones. I

INTERVIEW

think Elizabeth Kolbert at The New Yorker is
really good at that. I’m talking about making
an argument that’s simple, with all this evi-
dence, and writing about it in a beautiful way.
There are very few people who can do all of it
at the same time, and that's because very few
people actually try.

Coming up on hip-hop really taught me the
beauty of poetry. Reading comic books taught
methe beauty of poetry. Studying poetry after
that, I had this obsession with how language
sounded. Coming out of my household and
being a history major at Howard gave me a
deep appreciation for history. Working under
David Carr as a journalist gave me a deep ap-
preciation for actually going out and talking
to people. So I had a variety of experiences,
but it's not mystical. It's notin the genes or in
the bones.

I want the

notion of “the
voice” for black
folks completely

obliterated.

PLAYBOY: You've said that when you look at
yourself in the mirror you see a guy who got
fired three times. Do you think there will ever
be a point when you'll look in the mirror and see
the dude who changed the game with Between
the World and Me?

COATES: No, because that remains to be seen.
And the game could get changed back. Listen, I
went and started this damn comic book, Black
Panther, and it’s like, Oh yeah, this is hard.
Things don’t just flow out of your brain. It’s not
like, Hey, I’m brilliant. Show up, paper right
here, bam, another banger. No—you sit and you
struggle with yourself and you stop cutting your
hair. I'm not cutting my hair right now. You stop
shaving, like I’m not shaving right now. You re-
member that you can fail. I’ve failed several
times. The fact that everybody else don’t see
that don’t give me the right to not see it.

PLAYBOY: Did you think when you said you
were voting for Bernie Sanders that it would
turn into ade facto endorsement?

COATES: No, I didn’t see that coming at all.
[laughs] I’ve got to be more self-aware. But
after that, it became really hard to write
about the election. I damn near can’t write
anything without people being like, “Oh, this
dude is weighing in.” I don’t know why people
say, “You’re voting for Bernie Sanders; that
enforces my vote for him.” You need to think
for yourself.

PLAYBOY: Has being in France changed the
way you view yourself as an American?
COATES: France was the first place where that
was the first thing people saw when I talked.
It reminds me that the first thing they think
in America is, Oh, you're black. Here, the first
thing they think is, You're American, maybe
black American. They're rac-
ist as hell, but the sociology that
comes out of slavery is a little
different from the sociology that
comes out of colonialism. France
colonized all sorts of people—
Asian people, black people,
whoever. So the relationship is
a little different. It's not a good
relationship. But America has
a very specific thing with black
people. Here, the people who
get it the worst are actually the
Muslims, so it's not like they're
cured. But slavery did something
to America; it did some shit.
PLAYBOY: Are you looking for-
ward to going back to the States?
COATES: Yeah. And then com-
ing back here. [laughs]

PLAYBOY: What do you miss?

COATES: My friends, mostly. My friends and
my family.

PLAYBOY: Nothing particular to the country?
COATES: The country is the people to me, and
I miss the people. There are things I don’t have
here that are very different but that I don’t
miss. I don’t know if you'll see this over the next
few days or whether you've seen it already, but
America is a much freer place. France is ac-
tually maybe a culturally more conservative
place. “We ain’t open on Sunday. Deal with
it. Period.” In America, somebody’s trying to
make some money; somebody’s always saying,
"I'm open over here. What's up?” You know, my
butcher ain’t open on Monday. And during the
week he shuts down from 12 to three. He works,
like, 20 hours the whole week.

PLAYBOY: What role does hip-hop play in
your work?

COATES: I always considered myself a failed
MC. That was what Ireally wanted to do. I was
listening to that old Quincy Jones album Back
on the Block. Big Daddy Kane says, “Back up
and give the brother room to let poetry bloom
to whom it might concern or consume.” I heard
that and thought, Good God, there’s so much
in that. It’s the kind of faux majesty of it, “to
whom.” It’s actually really regal. I heard some-
thing like that as a kid, and it was like these
cats were taking the language from
its inventors and retrofitting it to
explain their reality. Nas didn’t
need to go to Harvard, or even How-
ard, to become masterful in the use
of language. I think great rappers,
because of how stuff is structured,
really understand on an intuitive
level how to get across as much in-
formation as possible in the small-
est amount of space.

In terms of literary inspirations,
hip-hop’s got to be number one, and
I’m talking above actual literature.
Aesthetically, it defines how I try
to write. You really have to think
hard about every single word. Prob-
ably a hundred years from now peo-
ple will look back on something
like Illmatic, some of that Wu-Tang
stuff, some of the Kendrick stuff,
some of the other stuff, and they’re
just going to be like, “Holy hell.”
You're talking some of the greatest
wordsmiths of our age.

PLAYBOY: Have you been able to
impart some of that to your son?
COATES: My son is doing it for me
now. I did when he was younger, but
music requires the time to actually
dig, you know what I’m saying? He
has always been open to stuff I play, but now
he’s the one who tells me, “Yo, you should check
this out.” He got me on the new Rihannaalbum.
He’s like, “Man, you really would like this.”
PLAYBOY: So you trust his taste in music.
COATES: He has great taste in music. I don’t
know if it’s because I was relatively young when
he was born—I was 24—but I don’t have that
whole “Cut that off! I’m going to show you how
we used to do it back in the day!” I took him to
this foreign-language camp about a summer
ago, and one of my great memories is just lis-
tening to his music all the way up there. It was
good stuff too.

INTERVIEW

PLAYBOY: Howis learning French going?
COATES: It’s always hard. I’m in my fourth
year of studying, and I think I speak like a four-
year-old child, which is progress. My first sum-
mer here I actually took classes, and at the end
Iwaslike, I think I have some sort of brain in-
jury. Coming back, it was a lot easier. I've had
to go out and talk about the book. I can gener-
ally understand the questions from the person
who's givingthem to me, but I usually have the
answers translated. And sometimes I actually
givethe answer in French.

PLAYBOY: That has to be humbling.
COATES: I think I seek out difficulty. At this
point, when people are handing you things and
giving youall these accolades, and you go some-
where and they're basically, ^Who are you? You
can't even talk to us." You know what I mean?
Like, “You really ain't shit." It takes it back. I
need that in my life.

PLAYBOY: With these recurring themes in
history, how do you avoid writing about the
same thing over and over?

COATES: You just don't write. I've been trying
for the past two weeks to write about the 1994
Violent Crime Control Act without rewriting.

I wrote “The Black Family in the Age of Mass
Incarceration" back in October, and then when
Bill Clinton went crazy ——

PLAYBOY: When he was trying to defend his
crime bill to Black Lives Matter protesters in
Philadelphia earlier this year?

COATES: Yeah. I was sitting there trying to
write, and I got about three paragraphs in and
was like, This is deceptive. It's just saying the
same shit. You said it, and either they heard you
or they didn't. It’s not up to you.

PLAYBOY: Does the fact that these things keep
happening make you question the
utility of your work?

COATES: No, because you have no
control over that. Ida B. Wells went
all through the South, reporting on
lynchings and everything. Nothing
changed, not in her lifetime. If noth-
ing ever changes, that does not re-
lieve me of the responsibility to tell
thetruth as I see it.

PLAYBOY: Some would make the
argument that you have become the
voice on these issues. How does that
make you feel?

COATES: It makes me sad that peo-
ple don't read more black writers. I
want the notion of there having to
be "the voice" for black folks com-
pletely obliterated. There is no one
voice on climate change. There's no
one person on sports. I think that
allows for a kind of laziness among
nonblack people who don't want
to read other people's shit. It saves
them from having to compare me
with other writers who are notblack.
It allows them to say, “You’re king of
the blacks over here." The journal-
ism I’m making stands up with any
of these white folks you want to put
up. If you want to have a conversa-
tion about where I stand in my field, we can talk
about that. I'm black, very proud to be black,
standing within the tradition of other black
writers. That's my culture, that's my ethnicity,
that's my struggle, that's my tradition, that's
my literature, but don't use that as an excuse
not to explore that tradition.

PLAYBOY: Are you comfortable with being
thought of as perhaps the best voice on these
issues?

COATES: No, because when people say that,
they are often unqualified. Very few black
people say that to me. Why do we think about
black folks like this? I'm practicing a craft,

and if you want to talk about best, compare me
to other craftsmen. I'm interested in a partic-
ular question, but why would you compare me
only to other people who are interested only in
that question?

PLAYBOY: When was the last time somebody
important to you fundamentally disagreed
with something you'd written or done?
COATES: I wrote a column defending the use
of the word nigger, and my buddy Ben and his
wife, Janai—they're mentioned in the book—
were like, “It's total bullshit.”

PLAYBOY: Whyisthatthethingthat gets peo-
ple so charged up?

COATES: The nigger thing? I understand if
you're black and you say, “Man, I had white peo-
ple call me this shit all my life. They called me
this shit when they hit me upside
the head, and I don’t want to hear
it.” I understand that. But that
ain't everybody's experience.
I’ve never had a white person call
me a nigger. I had somebody call
me le négre here in France, but I
was 38 years old and 1 couldn't
have cared less. It didn't mean
anything. So not all of us come
out of that experience.
PLAYBOY: How would you de-
scribe the eight years of Obama’s
presidency?

COATES: I think he did a tre-
mendous job, and I say that with
all my criticism of how he talks
about black folks and how he
talks to black folks. I say that
with all my criticism of the mo-
rality or the lack of morality in
terms of drone warfare. You're
not voting for a civil rights leader; you're vot-
ing for a president of the United States within
the boundaries of what presidents do. And
within the boundaries of what presidents do,
he's easily the greatest president in my life-
time. I don’t think people understand what he
had to navigate. It's a hard job already. You've
got people on TV—and this is just the small
end of it—on the internet, everywhere, send-
ing out pictures of you and your wife looking
like apes. You've got officials in the oppos-
ing party e-mailing pictures of watermelon
patches in front of the White House. You have
an opposition party where somewhere on the
order of 50 or 60 percent don't think you are
legally president. You're giving the State of
the Union address and some white dude from
South Carolina stands up and yells, *You lie."

INTERVIEW

Just open, blatant disrespect. You say the most
sensible things in the world and people lose
their mind, almost scuttling your top agenda
in terms of legislation. You've got to be a cer-
tain motherfucker to be able to manage all
that in your head. Their leading presidential
candidate right now is the person who claimed
our president was born somewhere else and
asked to see his grades. You're dealing with a
party where racism is a significant undercur-
rent. I mean, whew.

PLAYBOY: Were you surprised by the level of
obstruction?

COATES: I was surprised by how much his very
presence drew out the racism in the country. I
didn't know these folks were basically going
to double down. There's stuff we don't even re-

They tell me
I’m wrong, and
that^s cool. I
look for that.
I still feel like a

student.

member. Inthe 2012 Republican primary, Newt
Gingrich just comes out and calls this dude a
food-stamp president. I mean, just says it. This
isarespectablefigurein American politics right
now. Five years from now, people will be looking
back on this presidency and talking about how
great the times were. Ten years from now, Re-
publicans will be talking about how whoever
is the Democratic nominee at that point is not
like Obama and how magisterial Obama was.
Twenty-five, 30 years from now, they're goingto
put his face on the money, ifwe still have money.
And 50 years from now—it might not even take
thatlong—he will be considered one ofthe great-
est presidents in American history.

PLAYBOY: Did you have to reconcile what
you wanted Obama to be with what he turned
out to be?

COATES: No. I think my politics are signifi-
cantly more radical than that of most people in
the black community. Thatthe first black pres-
ident would not have my politics or my way of
addressing folks is not particularly surprising
to me. That does not relieve me of my responsi-
bility to say, “This is wrong and here’s why.” But
I understand where he’s coming from. I think
Obama loves black people. I think he likes
being black. Is it a mistake that he’s attracted
to Chicago—for my money, the capital of black
America—and participates within the institu-
tions there? That he married a woman who is
from there and lives there? I don’t think you do
any of that without having a sincere affection
for black folks. You can feel somebody has asin-
cere appreciation for black folks and just think
they’re dead wrong.

PLAYBOY: What’s the impor-
tance to you of having a black
family in the White House?
COATES: That shit replaced
The Cosby Show, didn’t it? I
think it’s important, because
culture is important. If having
no black family there was im-
portant, then having one there
is important. When you're the
most famous black folks in the
country—I mean, I don't want
to fall too much into the ro-
mance of it, but imagery mat-
ters. That’s the most public
picture of us for eight years.
That has to have some impact
on white people, and I’m talk-
ing about white children. Part
of the way racism works is
through imagery, through re-
inforcing certain ideas. It's not policy, but
symbols matter.

PLAYBOY: The women in your life don’t get
mentioned much in your books. Is there a rea-
son for that?

COATES: Well, the woman in my life is in the
second book. She has her own life, and she
deserves that. The book is dedicated to her.
I would not be here without her. But she de-
serves her space. I don't particularly enjoy all
the attention, and I know just from talking to
her that she would not enjoy it. To some extent,
it's the type of book that both those were. To
another extent, I just don't want to drag her
into this.

PLAYBOY: So it's protection as much as it
is respect?

COATES: Or more respect than protection.

I don’t know if she needs protection, but re-
spect, yeah.

PLAYBOY: Were you surprised by the discus-
sion about the lack of women in Between the
World and Me?

COATES: Not surprised. I wouldn’t change
that about that book, though. That book is 176
pages. It is what it is. My view on art, though,
is a little different from most people's. When
Girls first came out, there was this whole
thing: “Why is Girls so white?” I want Lena
Dunham to make the show she wants to make;
I just want other people to have the
chanceto make shows too. The prob-
lemis notthat Lena Dunham's world
is totally white. That's her world.
She's an artist. She's not a policy
maker. But there are other worlds
too, and other people should have
the opportunity to put those worlds
on display. It's the same for Between
the World and Me, and this takes it
back to the whole thing of being the
best or the most representative. A
book can't carry the entire weight
of all the nuance and texture of the
black community. It's just one dude
who not too long ago was on unem-
ployment. What people need to dois
read other folks. Thisis notthe only
African American memoir. There's
other stuff out there that should be
explored.

PLAYBOY: What was unemploy-
ment like?

COATES: I was scared. I was scared
for my son and, at that time, my girl-
friend. I didn’t have anything else to
offer the world, so this was going to
be it. Either it was going to hit or it
wasn’t, but this was what I was going
to do. I had dropped out of school. I
had no proof that I was capable of
doing much else. I had been laid off from Time
magazine. That was the third job I’d lost, and I
was like, Maybe I don’t have it, but I have to do
it; I don't have anything else. So it was incred-
ibly scary.

PLAYBOY: Dealing with your partner then,
was it “You can doit!” or more like “So you know
you've got to get a job, right?”

COATES: I wanted to drive a taxicab, but she
was like, “I think you need to spend more time
writing.” She'd say that over and over again.
It was never “Go get a job.” I’m happy she was
right. She had faith. “You're going to go out and
break the world. You just need to keep doing it.”

INTERVIEW

She was right. That's insane. I couldn't see it.
PLAYBOY: Do you ever feel insecure when
you're around academics?

COATES: No, I just want to listen more. I
wish they would stop asking me what I think.
[laughs] No, I don't feel insecure. They tell me
I'm wrong and here's why I'm wrong. I've had
that before, and that's cool. I look for that. I still
feel like a student. If I’m wrong, I’m wrong.
PLAYBOY: In 25 years, how do you think we'll
remember the Black Lives Matter movement?
COATES: I think that depends on what hap-

pens. I think it has been pretty effective. This
whole conversation about body cameras, re-
training the New York Police Department, the
way Ferguson went down and the report that
came out, I think they've been tremendously
effective. One of the reasons movements like
that get criticized is they say, ^Well, what are
you about? What specific thing?" But you've
seen specifics come out of this.

PLAYBOY: Why do you think this has hap-
pened at this time?

COATES: It’s totally the technology and the abil-
ity to get people assembled relatively quickly.
It’s not original in the sense that, in large part,

Sex
Y

the civil rights movement was very much a prod-
uct of TV cameras and photography. So it's not
totally surprising or unprecedented.
PLAYBOY: How do you feel about the way the
presidential candidates have dealt with that
movement?
COATES: They know it about as well as they
can. I had high expectations for Bernie. I
thought he would have known certain things.
I don't know how you're a candidate on the left
in the Democratic Party but not really com-
peting for the black vote. You ain't got to come
out for reparations, but you've got to
speak to these people who’ve lived
their lives not just as colorless vic-
tims of Wall Street, because they're
black—not as some sort of accident
but because of who they are. You've
got to have some sort of facility with
that, and I don't think he does. I
don't think Bernie's a bad person
or doesn't care about black people.
1 think you need staff around you to
say, “Yo, when you go to South Caro-
lina, you've got to do this, you've got
to do that.” He just didn't have that.
PLAYBOY: What do youthink about
Hillary Clinton?
COATES: I don't know what's going
to happen under Hillary Clinton.
Obviously she's preferable to Don-
ald Trump, and I don't blame black
folks who vote for her or support her.
I get it. But I just don’t know. When I
see her husband defending her use of
the “superpredator,” come on. Talk-
ing about how the crime bill actu-
ally cut crime, come on. Stand back.
Defending welfare reform at this
hour? Here’s the thing that’s most
damning for me: How do you take
$600,000 from Goldman Sachs for
speeches, knowing you're going to
run for president? Somebody says, “What were
you doing?” and you say, “Well, that’s what they
offered.” It’s adisturbing lack of personal judg-
ment. So it scares me.
PLAYBOY: Is there anyone whose style you’d
like to emulate?
COATES: Toni Morrison, because she doesn’t
really talk. She does interviews, but she’s not,
like, out there. People forget how viciously she
was attacked in the 1980s, but at the end of the
day, the work just stands for itself. Also, she
has this kind of regalness.

Td like to be quieter. I think Td like to be qui-
eter and let the work speak for itself. a

WE GAN ALL BE MORE

FREE

In this, our Freedom Issue, we look at what
itmeans to be an American today. Across
11 essays, we consider the state of freedom
in the U.S.—from our sexual liberties and
civil rights to our ability to screw it all up

One year ago, after the Supreme Court announced its decision to effectively legalize gay

marriage, President Barack Obama addressed the ruling from the White House Rose Garden,
telling the crowd, “When all Americans are treated as equal, we are all more free.” Y “More
free” is accurate, because in America, freedom often comes in degrees. Freedom to vote
doesn't mean the political system won't suppress your ballot based on your political beliefs
or skin color. Our freedom to use technology comes at a hefty cost to our privacy as we allow
government and corporations to monitor what we do and where we go. The sexual liberties,
personal freedoms and constitutional rights we enjoy as Americans are constantly being
calibrated, recalibrated and occasionally outright threatened. “ In honor of the anniversary
of that Supreme Court opinion and this tumultuous election year, we asked a range of contrib-
utors to look at the state of our freedoms and, wherever possible, to suggest ways to increase
their expression. Because Americans, as we’ve learned, can always be more free.

sy JASON BUHRMESTER

Editorial Director, PLAYBOY magazine

ESSAY

THE CONSERVATIVE
SEX MOVEMENT

Fifty years later, Republicans face their own sexual revolution

Every four years, a new crop of conservative
presidential candidates barges into American
bedrooms, looking to police what you do and
with whom you doit. These politicians, eager to
cater to religious voters, campaign on promises
to eliminate access to birth control, ban abor-
tion, pass discriminatory laws against gays,
and regulate or outright ban any lifestyle or
preference that doesn’t fit into their Christian
crusade to eliminate all sexual activity that
doesn’t lead to procreation. In the 50 years since
the triumph of the sexual revolution, I have per-
sonally watched this fight over and over again:
conservative candidates stepping on our sexual
freedoms to reach the White House.

This year, no candidate beat the drum of sex-
ual repression longer and louder than Ted Cruz.
The Texas senator has spent his entire politi-
cal career attempting to force his puritanical
agenda into our sex lives. During his time in
the Senate, Cruz has proposed bans on IUDs
and other forms of birth control he refers to as
“abortion-inducing drugs,” arguing that women
don’t need access to such methods because “we
don’t have a rubber shortage in America.” He
has attacked laws that protect women from
being fired by their employers for using birth
control, opposed abortion even in cases of rape
or incest, proposed an amendment banning
same-sex marriage and promoted anti-LGBT
legislation. Last year, Cruz attempted to orches-
trate a government shutdown unless Planned
Parenthood was defunded and promised that, if
elected president, he would have the health care
organization investigated by the Department of
Justice as a “criminal enterprise.”

And yet despite Cruz’s fanatical fixation on
our sex lives, he failed to win the Republican
nomination. Polls show that voters found Cruz
too conservative and failed to embrace his views
on sex, women’s rights and gays. Instead, voters

ILLUSTRATION BY CHRIS BUZELLI

sy HUGH M. HEFNER

nominated Donald Trump, a thrice-married
New York entrepreneur who once owned the
Miss USA pageant, over Cruz, the son of a pas-
tor. It’s a sign of the massive changes in the
“family values party” and proof of what I’ve
watched building over the past several months:
asexual revolution in the Republican Party.
This growing conservative sex movement
certainly has implications. After losing two
presidential elections, core conservatives re-
alize the time has come for the party to stop
pandering to America’s fanatical religious
minority and give up a losing war to suppress
our sexual rights. Polls show that the major-
ity of “moderate” Republicans are pro-choice,
accept gay marriage and favor politicians who
acknowledge that “women and men feel free to
have sex without any interest in getting mar-
ried.” Political writer Michael Lind recently
urged conservatives to dump “utopian proj-
ects,” including “the reversal of the sexual rev-
olution.” Lind correctly points out the reality
that “few if any elected Republicans or conser-
vative pundits actually believe that there will be
a...return to the sexual norms of 1950s America
in their lifetimes, if ever.” And at this year’s Re-
publican National Convention, a powerful and
organized group of some of the party’s biggest
financiers, calling themselves the American
Unity Fund, plans to push the party to embrace
same-sex marriage in the official Republican
platform—a far cry from the previous platform,
which described gay marriage as “an assault on
the foundations of our society.” The organiza-
tion’s Jerri Ann Henry claimed that the move
away from the religious zealotry that has de-
fined the GOP for decades is “necessary if the
party is to remain viable in the years to come.”
Fifty years of progress passed that party by
while its politicians pandered to a small, vocal
minority of religious fanatics. When I wrote

The Playboy Philosophy in the early 1960s, I
warned, “Nowhere is this unholy alliance be-
tween church and state more obvious than in
matters of sex.” Although that alliance shows
signs of fracture, we must remain vigilant. Not
all conservatives are willing to recognize that
they have lost the war over our sexual rights.
Utah governor Gary R. Herbert recently signed
a bill declaring pornography a “public health
hazard.” Conservative governors in Mississippi
and North Carolina have signed laws promoting
discrimination against the LGBT community.
And across the country, attacks continue on
Planned Parenthood and reproductive choice
as evangelical politicians attempt to circum-
vent Roe v. Wade with legislation designed to
regulate abortion access into oblivion.

We have already won those battles, and we
will win them again. These are the final skir-
mishes of a retreating army of self-appointed
moral authorities who have been defeated
again and again for the past five decades.
Americans have rejected these religious fanat-
ics and fought to protect women’s rights, repro-
ductive rights and our right to privacy rather
than submit to their Christian view that sex ex-
ists for the sole purpose of procreation. Recent
polls show that more than 60 percent of Amer-
icans view gay and lesbian relationships, sex
between two unmarried people and having a
baby outside of marriage as “morally accept-
able.” Nearly 90 percent feel the same about
birth control. This is no surprise. We won the
sexual revolution; it has just taken Republi-
cans 50 years to admit defeat. Now it’s time for
them to exit our bedrooms and close the door
behind them forever.

Hugh M. Hefner is founder and Editor-in-Chief
of PLAYBOY.

ESSAY

BLACK
VOTES

MATTER

The power of the minority vote—and the powers that want to stop it

Young black men everywhere ask me, Why vote?
Considering that black male unemployment is
nearly double the national average, that black
males are unfairly targeted in a bullshit drug
war and that politicians rarely keep their word
to the black community, it's a fair question.

My response to them is: I don't care if you
vote; I care that you register. If you're not reg-
istered, you're less likely to be chosen to serve
on a jury. And if you're not on a jury, how can
Ibe judged by a jury of my peers? This always
makes the men I speak with listen. Our rights
in this country—free speech, gun ownership,
protection from selfincrimination, trial by
jury and many more—are weapons against tyr-
anny from our own republic. Once you realize
that a vote is a weapon, the ballot suddenly mat-
ters as much as freedom of speech and the right
to own a gun. Anda vote is a powerful weapon.

Ivote because my vote, like my knife and my
gun (which I carry daily), is a tool for fighting
against tyrants and for the betterment of my
community. I know it's effective because after
the Supreme Court gutted the Voting Rights Act
in 2013, restrictive voter laws popped up across
the South. Southern white conservative men
push for such laws—from requiring IDs to dis-
courage minorities from voting, to redistricting
attempts in places like Texas in order to cripple
the minority vote—to help them regain or retain
power. If the minority vote didn't matter, those
white men wouldn't work so hard to stop it.

For the black community, it’s important to
point out that voting alone doesn’t help. “Just”
voting is like taking blood-pressure medicine
and still eating fried chicken. To see an improve-
ment, you also have to change your diet. Just as
we have to eat more greens, we also have to focus

ILLUSTRATION BY MATTHEW ZAREMBA

sy KILLER MIKE

on getting some green. Why? Because money is
the biggest vote changer. We must remain loyal
not to parties but rather to the people who will
help us. I agree with black author Claud Ander-
son, who said in a speech, “We must pull out of
both parties and vote as an indie bloc that only
votes for people that will deliver what we expect
to our community.” What we expect are fair
goods and services and a say in politics. To make
this happen we must patronize our own busi-
nesses and use our athletes and entertainers
as the investor class. Put simply, if you're going
to order hot wings, buy them from Rick Ross
and his Wingstop restaurant so he can put that
money behind local politicians and state repre-
sentatives who push policies that benefitus.

The most important elections in your life
are local. Your city council, mayor, school
board, county officials and police policies are
all voted on locally. In my city, Atlanta, nearly
half of all airport-vendor contracts go to black-
owned businesses. This is a direct result of ac-
tions taken by Maynard Jackson, Atlanta's first
black mayor, who declared that 25 percent of all
city contracts must have minority ownership or
involvement. This policy came into existence
because decades ago Jackson’s grandfather
John Wesley Dobbs empowered black voters
and then used those votes to influence Atlanta
elections. Because of that, I have never known
a nonblack mayor in Atlanta, a city with the
third-highest number of Fortune 500 compa-
nies and a true black middle class. Even with
gentrification, black-owned businesses and job
hires are up in this chocolate city.

After my community masters the money and
after black men get into the voting game, we can
affect the courtroom culture that preys on us.

No city, town or county with a large black popu-
lation should be without equal representation
on the police force, in the district attorney’s of-
fice or on the judge’s bench. Marching won't
change that. Money and votes change that.

Relationships also help fuel change. I don’t
care who delivers what the Constitution prom-
ises. Frederick Douglass was a Republican;
Maynard Jackson was a Democrat. Both are
heroes in my household, as are Barack Obama
and Ben Carson. (I don’t normally like overly
religious politicians, but I do like Ben.) It mat-
ters to me that when I approached Senator
Bernie Sanders and suggested that I interview
him on my barbershop tour, he accepted (as
did Republican National Committee press sec-
retary Raffi Williams). When I asked Senator
Rand Paul to sit with me, he flaked.

Sanders talked with me—and advanced much
further in the election than Paul. That’s not to
say I'm a kingmaker, but the young people, es-
pecially black men, who saw me interview Sand-
ers gota chance to meet an ally. And in matters
of politics, my community needs more allies.

My vote is a weapon for my good and against
tyranny, from getting a chance to sit on a jury
to making sure Atlanta's public schools return
to greatness. My vote is a tool I will use to posi-
tively affect my community. Otherslike me must
realize the power of this weapon—or have it used
against them by a political class bought and sold
by corporations and the men who own them.

My name is Michael Render, and I vote. Try
to stop me.

Killer Mike, amember of the hip-hop duo Run the
Jewels, is also a solo artist and an activist.

ESSAY

YOU GOTTA
FIGHT FOR
YOUR RIGHT
TOF%@K UP

It's time to stop using the mistakes of individuals as

The most important—and nebulous—freedom
that’s up for grabs in 2016 and beyond is this:
the freedom not to be the exemplar of your
race, gender, sexual orientation, political
affiliation, hair color, height, gluten sensi-
tivity, etc.

In other words, the freedom to fuck up and
not have it cost the rest of your peer group.

The Jackie Robinson Story is being re-
played, in a hundred huge and a thousand
tiny ways, every single day in this country.
A black person or a woman or a gay person
or a transgender person or a poor person or
a Muslim—if one of them stumbles in any
attempt? If they misspeak or act impulsively
or otherwise royally screw up? That error is
applied to the entirety of their population. If
they fail? That failure sets their entire group
back a dozen steps.

“See how that one woman got emotional?
It's how they all are."

“See how that one Muslim guy went on a

ILLUSTRATION BY SIMON SPILSBURY

an excuse to judge entire groups

s PATTON OSWALT

rampage? They're all ready to pounce, just
like that.”

“Check out this one redneck and his back-
ward, homophobic views. They're all that way
down South.”

The examples are endless, and they don't
belong to any single point on the political
spectrum. Hillary Clinton isn't 100 percent
perfectin the decisions she's made in her long
political career, so no woman should be pres-
ident. A mentally unstable individual finds
justification for his bloodlustinthe Koran, so
all of Islam is a religion of death. The elected
representatives of North Carolina—to the
surprise of a majority of their constituency—
pass laws discriminating against LGBT peo-
ple, and the entire South is afundamentalist,
homophobic and transphobic wasteland.

This is nothing new. Two millennia ago a
minority of conservative religious elites (and
the mediocre politicians trying to score points
with them) decide to execute a voice for the

non-elite, and from that point on it’s “the Jews
killed Jesus.”

And on and on and on, further into the past
and, sadly, probably into the future.

The day that a gay fuckup or a black fuckup or
a Muslim fuckup or a female fuckup becomes
known as afuckup first, and then whatever group
they belong to is noted as an afterthought, if at
all? That’s the day we take a big lurch forward.

I bet I don’t get to see it. Not in my lifetime.
I’m doubtful my daughter will see it in her life-
time either, or her children in theirs.

But if we give people the same number of
times at bat as, say, a George W. Bush or a Kim
Kardashian? The wiggle room to be 100 per-
cent incompetent, without it being applied to
everyone else like them?

That’s when we head to the stars.

Patton Oswalt is a Los Angeles-based stand-up
comedian, writer and actor.

ENDING THE
AMERICAN PILL
EPIDEMIG

ESSAY

Drug overdoses—more than 60 percent of which involve opioids—are the number one cause
of accidental death in America. How did we get here, and how do we kick the habit?

Right around the time I was finishing my
neurosurgery residency in 2000, the consump-
tion of prescription pain pills, known as opioid
analgesics, was growing at a staggering rate.
Over the next decade, sales of these medica-
tions would quadruple and the United States
would earn the dubious honor of becoming the
most pain-medicated country in the world.

With less than five percent of the planet’s
population, we were consuming 80 percent of
its opioids and 99 percent of its hydrocodone by
the year 2010. In the wake of these pain-pill pre-
scriptions came lethal overdoses—one every 19
minutes on average. By 2014, overdoses— 61 per-
cent of which involved opioids—were overtak-
ing traffic fatalities as the number one cause of
accidental death in the U.S. It was an American
epidemic, and it was fully man-made.

We got here on a winding road paved with
good intentions, as well as downright greedy
ones. One thing is certain: There’s plenty of
blame to go around.

Our culture has become frighteningly accus-
tomed to “a pill for every ill.” Nearly 40 percent
of all Americans over the age of 65 take five or
more medications, and every American fills 12
prescriptions ayear on average. Far too many of
them are for pain pills.

Of course, many patients suffering chronic
pain will read this and wince, worried that
it represents another attempt to rob them
of relief. That’s not my intent. But pain pills
weren't expected to be effective long-term, with
most scientific studies lasting only three to four
months. Additionally, most of my patients un-
derstand the concept of hyperalgesia: Sustained
use of pain pills can make certain patients more
sensitive to pain. As one escalates the doses,

sy DR. SANJAY GUPTA

the hyperalgesia intensifies, as does the risk of
overdose. The pain pills don’t just become less
effective; they can actually make things worse.

If that’s the case, you may wonder, why do doc-
tors prescribe so many of these pills? The chari-
table answer is that most doctors don’t like saying
no to their patients. The vast majority of my col-
leagues derive tremendous satisfaction from
helping people, and doling out pills is sometimes
part of that. The more typical reason, though, is
likely that it’s easier to write a prescription than
to spend the time finding effective alternatives.

And then there’s the tremendous cultural
shift that took place in medicine during my sur-
gical training, between 1993 and 2000. Atfirst,
I was taught to reserve opioid analgesics for
three very specific indications: postoperative
pain, cancer-related pain and pain at the end
of life. Even in the field of neurosurgery, where
we treat many pain-related disorders, we were
taught to prescribe much more physical therapy
and far fewer opioid analgesics. Over the years,
I saw an increasing number of pharmaceutical
advertisements in medical journals and guide-
lines from the American Pain Society—which is
funded by pharmaceutical companies—making
the case that long-term use of narcotics was safe
for an ever-growing range of conditions.

Pain even came to be known as the fifth vital
sign, ameasurement to be taken along with blood
pressure, heart rate, respiratory rate and tem-
perature. The message was: Always ask about
pain, typically using a smiley-face pain scale.
If the patient pointed to a frowny or crying face,
treat the pain, even with opioids.

All this helps explain why, by the time I grad-
uated, the pain-pill epidemic was running near
full throttle.

PHOTOGRAPHY BY KEIRNAN MONAGHAN AND THEO VAMVOUNAKIS

Since then there has been a concerted, if com-
plicated, effort to better monitor who is pre-
scribing these drugs and what drugs they’re
prescribing. States and federal agencies have
started to clamp down on “pill mills.” While that
has made access to prescription drugs more diffi-
cult, it has pushed many addicts to the streets in
search of cheaper alternatives. For many, that al-
ternative has been heroin or fentanyl, asynthetic
opioid that can be up to 50 times more powerful
than heroin. From 2002 to 2013, the number of
heroin-related deaths increased by 400 percent
by even conservative estimates. Between 2013
and 2014, overdose deaths involving synthetic
opioids increased by around 80 percent.

There is some hope. Earlier this year, Presi-
dent Obama pledged $1.1 billion of next year’s
budget to fighting the opioid epidemic, much
of it geared toward treatment—expanding ac-
cess to medication-assisted therapies such
as methadone and buprenorphine. The ad-
ministration is also making efforts to ex-
pand the use of naloxone, an opioid antidote
that can reverse overdoses, and to ensure par-
ity in addiction-treatment coverage. When I
sat down with President Obama at this year’s
National Rx Drug Abuse & Heroin Summit, he
said we need to think of addiction as a disease
and treat it that way.

There are many diseases in the world, phys-
ical and cultural, with no cure in sight. But
right now we have an opportunity to solve the
opioid problem—to put an end to this monster
we created.

Dr. Sanjay Gupta, a practicing neurosurgeon, is CNN's
chief medical correspondent.

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FIX THE
POLIGE

ESSAY

From Ferguson to Freddie Gray—what the hell happened to America’s cops?

In the minds of the Missouri police officers
who, ayear after Michael Brown’s death, sought
to celebrate the cop who killed him, policing
does not need fixing. To the rest of America,
the institution is badly broken and in desper-
ate need ofrepair.

This is nothing new. From the time the first
one was founded in the mid-19th century, police
departments have been tainted by recurring
spasms of corruption, brutality and racism—
accompanied by escalating militarism.

Stories of police beneficence and courage—
the cop who springs for new boots and warm
socks for ahomeless man on abitterly cold night
in Times Square; the officers who buy diapers
or baby formula for impoverished shoplifters
in Roswell, New Mexico (or in Kansas, Florida,
Kentucky and many other places); the street
cops who risk their lives to stop a shooter or to
pullasuicidal woman from a freeway overpass—
are important and deserve wide recognition.

But until we confront and change a system
that allows the cold-blooded murders of Freddie
Gray in Baltimore and Laquan McDonald in
Chicago—and the attempted cover-ups in both
cities—we will find ourselves returning again
and again to the question of how to assure ethi-
cal, compassionate and lawful policing.

The biggest barrier to this kind of police
work is the paramilitary-bureaucratic struc-
ture and mentality of every law enforcement
agency in the nation. It’s a mentality that gets
conveyed to the public as “We are the police,
and you are not.”

It's time America's police officers recognize
they belong to the people, not the other way

ILLUSTRATION BY BEN TURNBULL

sy NORM STAMPER

around. How do we accomplish this? Put sim-
ply, your local government must invite com-
munity participation in all aspects of police
operations: recruitment and training, policy
making, program development, crisis manage-
ment and effective, credible citizen oversight
of police performance and behavior. If that
invitation doesn't arrive, the people—critics,
grassroots activists, civic-minded supporters
of public safety and neighborhood health—
must demand a place at the table as full part-
ners in local police operations.

A city or county that forges an honest
community-police partnership will soon
realize the benefits of mutual trust and re-
spect, enhanced crime fighting and neigh-
borhood problem solving, fewer unarmed
citizens dying at the hands of their police and,
critically, improved officer safety and morale.
With the exception of exigent circumstances
that demand an armed response, officers will
no longer make unilateral or arbitrary deci-
sions. Partners don’t have to agree all the time,
but they do have to communicate, cooperate
and support one another.

Two additional steps can tremendously ben-
efit community-based policing. The first is
to end the obscenely expensive, immoral and
utterly ineffective war on drugs, a war that has
made many citizens—including a dispropor-
tionate number of young, poor black and Latino
Americans—the enemy of their local police.
This pointless war has destroyed individual
lives, fractured families, brought about mass
incarceration and strained community-police
relations beyond the breaking point.

The second step is to use the tens of billions of
dollars saved by ending the war on drugs to sup-
port education and treatment for those in need
and to establish a much-needed federal ac-
countability presence in local law enforcement.

There are about 18,000 police agencies in
the U.S. and only one Constitution. Each of the
country’s more than 1 million law enforcement
workers is legally obligated both to enforce
and to abide by all provisions of this “secular
Bible” of the land. Like it or not, when it comes
to policing—from Ferguson to the NYPD—
America is in need of more big government.

In order to ensure that local law enforce-
ment abides by laws governing search and
seizure, stop-and-frisk, use of force and free-
assembly protections, the Department of
Justice must be given the authority and the
resources to do three things. First, it needs to
set reasonable, defensible standards of police
performance and conduct. Second, it needs
to certify every law enforcement officer and
agency in the country. And third, it must be
given the power to decertify, for just cause,
any individual or department that refuses to
play by the rules.

Imagine America’s cops as defenders, not
violators, of their fellow citizens’ civil liber-
ties, and work toward that. It’s as doable as it
is necessary.

Norm Stamper was a cop for 34 years and served
as chief of the Seattle Police Department. He is
the author of To Protect and Serve: How to Fix
America’s Police, out this June from Nation Books.

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THE LONG LEASH OF
SEXUAL LIBERTY

ESSAY

We enjoy unprecedented—if incomplete—freedom in our sex lives. A doctor examines the
hidden biological boundaries that surround our most intimate choices

Over the past 50 years, Western culture has
seen unprecedented progress in our sense of
ourselves as sexual beings. The so-called sex-
ual revolution, with its rejection of puritani-
cal values and embrace of “free love,” enriched
our ability to be open about our sexual orien-
tation, gender identity and sexual practices
with vastly reduced shame and judgment. But
the unintended consequences of this revolu-
tion continue to unfold in a dazzling array
of manifestations—among them teen preg-
nancy, internet pornography, Tinder, sexual
addiction, epidemics of sexually transmitted
diseases and a frequently impoverished inter-
personal landscape.

As a physician, I’m always alert to the bio-
logical contexts of cultural change. At least
some of the attitudes about sexuality that
we've transmitted across generations have a
basis in biological reality. A good deal of ink
has been spilled suggesting it was the advent of
hormonal contraceptives (a.k.a. the pill) that
allowed women to have mastery over their re-
productive potential. And one must remember
that throughout human history, a significant
percentage of women died in childbirth. When
obstetric and medical advances decreased this
threat, sex was uncoupled from reproduction
for the first time. This certainly contributed to
the freedom we’ve enjoyed since.

But other rarely addressed phenomena have
also influenced our freedom of sexual expres-
sion. Foremost, I suggest, is the invention of
antibiotics. Throughout human history the
medical consequences of sexual contact were
protean and dire. Prior to antibiotic treat-
ment, even something as simple as a urinary
tract infection came with the hazard of seri-
ous medical complications, even death. Gon-
orrhea, chlamydia and syphilis were virtually

PHOTOGRAPHY BY TREY WRIGHT

sy DR. DREW PINSKY

untreatable. Knowing well the intensity of
libidinous desires, you can imagine that if
you were the parent of young adults in a pre-
antibiotic era, you would be sure to instill in
your children a healthy fear of sexual contact.
Their lives would be at stake.

We now largely enjoy freedom from the com-
plications of these infections when properly
treated, and our sexual mores have evolved in
a new biological context. I’m not suggesting
that cultural attitudes don’t also restrain us;
Tam suggesting that those attitudes may have
had biological roots that modern medical sci-
ence has upended, allowing for a new range of
freedom of expression.

Another important consideration is the very
nature of freedom itself. Increasingly, neuro-
biological insights are calling into question
precisely what we mean by free will. Freedom,
as our founding fathers conceived it, was free-
dom from external oppression, freedom from
tyranny, freedom to pursue our life’s work un-
encumbered by arbitrary restraint. Gradu-
ally, we have expanded our sense of freedom to
include the freedom implied by equality and
choice. These are complex topics, and I don’t
mean to reduce them to empty shibboleths. But
I do wish to mention that our free will is at a
minimum influenced, if not completely con-
strained, by neurobiological forces well outside
of consciousness. Functional MRI data show
that our brain makes choices and drives be-
havior long before consulting consciousness.
Still, though we are undoubtedly under the
influence of many biological forces, we have
moments of relative choice; in other words,
we can make choices somewhat freely, but the
desires behind these choices are not under our
control. You can choose to eat pizza every day,
but you cannot will yourself to love pizza.

From my decades of clinical experience, I
know that many processes can shape or adul-
terate our sexuality and thus our genuine
freedom of expression. Childhood trauma
has a profound effect on our adult sexual de-
sires and behaviors. We are loath to admit it,
but it is simply a feature of the human experi-
ence that traumatic experiences in childhood
often lead to traumatic reenactments in our
adult lives. We end up becoming attracted to
individuals and circumstances that recapitu-
late our childhood experiences. This is deeply
entrenched in our biology. Reducing the dan-
gers of pregnancy and removing many of the
complications of bacterial STIs have made
it easier to detect this compulsion to repeat.
When you see people making the same “mis-
takes” over and over again, look for trauma.

As with most realities of the human experi-
ence, the law of unintended consequences al-
ways lurks near at hand when there is change.
Our sexual freedoms have undoubtedly en-
hanced many aspects of intimacy. I do not
mean to diminish the benefits of being able to
more easily assert one’s sexual preferences.
And I am not Pollyannaish about work yet to
be done to help further free those who feel the
sting of sexual repression. I do, however, be-
lieve we should take an honest inventory of
the forces that brought us here and continue
to examine the phenomena that come to bear
on our freedoms of sexuality and desire. The
human experience is rich with revelations—
many of them hiding behind the veil of the
unexamined life.

Dr. Drew Pinsky is a practicing physician and addic-
tion specialist whose call-in show Loveline was on
the air for more than 30 years.

ESSAY

LIVING IN YOUR

OWN NOT-SO-PRIVATE
BUBBLE

Corporations are using vast stores of your personal data to reshape your
every moment. And youre letting it happen

It’s said that information wants to be free—
that, like life, it will find a way to replicate
itself and show up where you least expect or
want it. Your information now has more ways
than ever before to spread, from online back-
ups to the private messages your ex-girlfriend
archived. But I can tell you this: My infor-
mation absolutely does not want to be free. It
wants to stay home and go out and play only
when I give it permission.

Storage space costs next to nothing, and every-
thing you do is recorded forever. That porn site
you visited is not just in your browser history;
it’s also in the logs of your internet service pro-
vider, the DNS server, the content-distribution
network, the ad network the site uses, Google
Analytics and finally on the actual site you vis-
ited. Clearing your browser history only hides it
from whoever else uses your devices. If I want to
browse the internet, my information has to go
out and play, whether I like it or not.

It's also said that welive in the "golden age of
surveillance." Simply put, surveillance is when
an intelligence or law enforcement agency lis-
tens in and records traffic, be it voice, data,
telemetry, radio, whatever. This is what
Edward Snowden revealed.

If we're talking freedom, though, I worry
most about the collection that companies do
on us. Have a mobile phone? Your location
data is shared with “partners.” Same with your
medical records, home-loan finances, social
media pictures. Use any apps that have access
to your address book? They just backed it up
"for reference purposes."

This is society's cost of entry today. Compa-
nies must monetize everything about you to
help fund their services—services we see as

ILLUSTRATION BY GRAHAM ROUMIEU

BY JEFF MOSS

essential to participating in modern society.
Ican't pay Facebook $100 a year not to collect
info about me; its platform doesn't work that
way. In a Móbius strip of data, we're both the
product and the consumer. Think you have
a right to privacy? To paraphrase President
Obama, “You don't own that." You just gave it
away in the terms of service you didn't read.

The amount of data that companies have
about you individually may not be much, but
when data brokers aggregate hundreds of com-
panies' collections, it ends up being way more
detailed than what the NSA knows about you.
These giant pools are used by advertisers,
insurance companies, market researchers...
basically anyone who can pay.

Going shopping? Malls, supermarkets and
outdoor advertisers collect the MAC (media
access control) addresses that your phone
broadcasts and use them to track where you go
and how long you stand in front of the cook-
ies. It helps businesses optimize their inven-
tory if they know where people linger. Don't
like this? Don't use a Bluetooth headset, and
turn off wi-fi.

It gets worse. Way worse. When the internet
of things arrives, add to this list all the data
your IOT devices will have on you: the shows,
games and songs you enjoy, when you're home
or away, how much energy you use compared
with your neighbors, the food you prepare,
where and when you drive, your health stats.
Talk about your quantified self!

Marketers work hard to put you in a bubble.
With their ever-increasing understanding of
your behavior and preferences, one of their
end goals is to influence you at just the right
moment with just the right offer. The more

they can influence what you read or watch, the
better they can do this.

Your bubble will be personalized to your
tastes, like a constant mash-up of Amazon,
Netflix and Facebook recommendations. It
will steer you toward news stories and articles
you're likely to agree with and enjoy (while view-
ing all the ads along the way). Your bubble will
give you just the right amount of new discov-
ery excitement along with your daily favorites
while sharing only that which is in-network.
Your bubble will be different from those of your
friends, neighbors and bosses. In other words,
your bubble will be an all-encompassing field
of personalized content enabled by compulsory
mass corporate surveillance.

Government didn't do this to us. The free
market did. It costs nothing for an app devel-
oper or a company to add a terms-of-service
clause giving it permission to collect your infor-
mation. And all that data is such an attractive
nuisance! The perverse thing is that spy agen-
cies and prosecutors don't need to collect any-
more; what they can't subpoena, they just buy.

What does freedom even mean in this con-
text? The current debate about NSA bulk col-
lection is important, but it's a sideshow to
what's really happening to our privacy and
freedoms in a connected world. That will be-
come clear when a whistle-blower of Snowden's
caliber emerges from Facebook, Google or
some other company that makes it their busi-
ness to collect on all of us.

Cybersecurity expert Jeff Moss, a.k.a. the Dark
Tangent, is founder of the event series Black Hat
and the global hacker conference DEF CON.

ESSAY

THE NEW

DRUG WAR

Dirty banks still enable the global drug trade.
The battle must move from the streets to the boardroom

A lot has changed in the drug trade since the
1980s, when I went undercover for the Drug En-
forcement Administration, infiltrating the top
echelons of Colombia’s drug cartels and helping
bring down money-laundering bankers. Back
then, the Medellin cartel had a network of op-
eratives that distributed cocaine shipments to
wholesale buyers in the United States. Mexico
was simply a transshipment point where com-
mercial jets laden with huge cargoes of cocaine
were safely off-loaded. The Colombians gave
Mexican cartel operatives and corrupt military
personnel as much as 20 percent of the ship-
ments in exchange for the use of military bases
and other airstrips for secure landing and stor-
age. The remaining 80 percent was moved into
the U.S. and sold through a network of Colom-
bian distributors operating there.

These days, Colombian cartels sell much of
their cocaine directly to Mexican cartels, which
then take the bulk of the risk, distributing the
drugintheU.S. withthe help of gangs entrenched
in our cities. Meanwhile, terrorist groups includ-
ing Hezbollah and Hamas have been clearly
shown to work with the cartels in global cocaine
trafficking and money laundering.

A lot has stayed the same too. We still face the
inconvenient truth that portions of the interna-
tional banking and business communities ser-
vice the underworld by transforming mountains
of ill-gotten cash into legitimate-appearing as-
sets. These bankers and businessmen rob people
around the world of their freedom by enabling
criminal organizations to create a veil of legiti-
macy around dirty fortunes that are used to cor-
rupt everything from families to governments.
In order to influence politicians, prosecutors,

ILLUSTRATION BY CLEON PETERSON

sy ROBERT MAZUR

judges, cops and even armies, the cartels rely
on their ability to enrich people in clandestine
ways. They can’t walk into a politician’s office
and plop a duffel bag full of cash onto the desk,
but if that cash is moved into a bank that ex-
tends a “legitimate” loan to a company the poli-
tician controls, no one is the wiser. In the past
seven years, more than a dozen banks, some
based in the U.S., have admitted to criminal of-
fensesin connection with the movement of dirty
money, including laundering drug proceeds.

Segments of the banking and business com-
munities market underworld money because
there is little likelihood they'll get caught and
the profits are very high. U.S. law enforcement
authorities identify and seize less than one per-
cent of the annual $400 billion in illegal drug
proceeds earned globally; professional money
launderers can make as much as 20 percent of
a criminal's fortune. The only thing that will
turn this around is a real fear in the hearts and
minds of launderers that their conduct will
land them behind bars forthe better part ofthe
rest of their lives. As it stands now, the law en-
forcement world does not invest the resources
or brainpower needed to identify and prosecute
money launderers. Most criminal prosecu-
tions for money laundering are developed sec-
ondarily when cops prove someone committed
some other crime and conducted a transaction
with tainted funds.

So what can we do to make the world safer
and more free? For starters, we have to find a
formula that will reduce demand—our insa-
tiable appetite for illegal drugs is the fuel that
keeps the cartel engines running—and make
education and economic opportunity available

to the less fortunate so they have a real path of
hope that's resistant to the lure of drugs.

On a global level, we need an aggressive plan
to identify and prosecute those who service the
underworld—a plan to change the failed corpo-
rate culturethat has produced money launderers
within the international banking and business
communities. We need a multiagency, multi-
national task force with the sole responsibility
of identifying the world’s top money-laundering
threats. This task force would become the en-
tity with primary jurisdiction for prosecuting
money-laundering cases, just as the DEA is now
the primary agency recognized for prosecuting
drug cases and the U.S. Secret Service is known
for handling currency-counterfeiting cases.

Finally, we must accept that drug cartels do
far more than simply make illegal drugs avail-
able worldwide. Their most dangerous product
is corruption. They buy significant influence
within governments through payoffs, they ruth-
lessly murder, and they steal freedom from vir-
tually anyone in their path. People in Mexico,
Honduras, Guatemala, Venezuela, nations in
sub-Saharan Africa and other parts of the world
experience this death and destruction every day.
Even our own country is no stranger to cartel-
bred violence: The bloodshed within our borders
caused by illegal drugs is at epidemic proportions.

Clearly, the way we’re fighting this war is
not working.

Robert Mazur, author of The Infiltrator and sub-
ject of the movie of the same name, was a federal
agent for 27 years, many of them spent investigat-
ing international money-laundering cases.

ESSAY

Roe v. Wade has helped women determine their own destinies
for more than 40 years. So stop fighting it; it's not going anywhere

When I got pregnant at the age of 16, getting
an abortion wasn't the first idea that popped
into my unripened brain.

I was going through a very bad stage in my
life. I hated my parents and I was having un-
protected sex with my boyfriend, who was not
someone I should've been having sex with in
the first place, never mind unprotected sex. I
wasn't really playing with a full deck of cards,
and when I got pregnant I just thought, Why
not? I can have a baby. Maybe 111 have twins
and give them rhyming names! Of course, the
idea that I would have a child and raise it by
myself at that age, when I couldn't even find
my way home at night, was ridiculous. My
parents recognized that, so they acted like
parents for one of the very first times in my
life and took me to Planned Parenthood. I felt
parented, ironically, while I was getting an
abortion. And when it was over, I was relieved
in every possible way.

And I didn't have just one abortion; I had
twointhe same year, impregnated by the same
guy. I didn't have the money the second time. I
had to scrape together the $230 to pay Planned
Parenthood, but it was a safe abortion. Getting
unintentionally pregnant more than once is
irresponsible, but it's still necessary to make
a thoughtful decision. We all make mistakes
allthe time. I happened to fuck up twice at the
age of 16. I'm grateful that I came to my senses

PHOTOGRAPHY BY ARVIDA BYSTRÖM

s CHELSEA HANDLER

and was able to get an abortion legally without
risking my health or bankrupting myself or my
family. I’m 41 now. I don't ever look back and
think, God, I wish I’d had that baby.

Like millions of women, I can live my life
without an unplanned child born out of an un-
healthy relationship because of Roe v. Wade.
It’s infuriating to hear politicians make bogus
promises about overturning this ruling that
has protected us for more than 40 years. It’s
infuriating to hear them pander to the Chris-
tian right with promises they have no chance
of keeping. (By the way: Even if there is a
God, I highly doubt he wants everybody to
go through with their pregnancies.) And it’s
even more infuriating to watch politicians
find ways to subvert Roe v. Wade, passing
lesser laws that close clinics or restrict abor-
tion access for women. At least five states—
Mississippi, Missouri, North Dakota, South
Dakota and Wyoming—currently have only
one clinic left within their borders.

But despite all that, I don’t buy that Roe v.
Wade is in danger. We’re too far ahead of the
game. Once you go forward in history, you
don’t go backward. That would be like the gov-
ernment saying, “Okay, we’re taking away your
right to vote too.” You can’t introduce a black
person and be like, “Oh, I just got a slave!”
That era is over. It's similar to what's hap-
pening in Mississippi and some other states

with gay-marriage discrimination—marriage
equality is going to take. You can't stop that.
We've already made the decision, and now
we're moving on to transgender rights. And
it's a wrap on men deciding what women can
do with their bodies.

I doubt this is something America will ever
agree on. Again, it's like racism and sexism:
People will be racist if they're innately built
that way, but whether they can act on their rac-
ism or notis a separate issue. There are people
who think women shouldn't hold high-powered
positions, or who think Obama is Muslim, and
it’s okay for them to have those thoughts; they
just can’t act on them in a civilized society. It's
okay if you think it’s not right for women to
have abortions—but it’s not your problem, be-
cause we decide.

We have 7.3 billion people on this planet.
Anybody who carefully decides not to become
a parent—let alone a bad parent, which is what
I would have become—should be applauded for
making a smart and sustainable decision.

Td love for somebody to try to tell me what to
do with my body. I dare them.

Comedian and writer Chelsea Handler hosted
Chelsea Lately on E! from 2007 to 2014. Her
current series, Chelsea, is the first original talk
show to run on Netflix.

IN j n

ESSAY

TAKE BACK THE
POLITIGAL MAP

Rewriting the rules of our broken electoral process will require more than rallies and hashtags

Every election season, we’re urged to partici-
pate by voting. This works when candidates
pull people in, but it’s less than inspiring when
people vote out of the fear that someone they
don’t like will be elected. We’ve all heard vari-
ations of the line “Vote because it’s your duty,”
and while I agree, the real problem is the sucky
choices we get on the ballot. The good news is
that things don’t have to be this way—at least
not when it comes to Congress. We can pass
election laws, without changing our Constitu-
tion, in a way that truly engages voters.

There’s an uneasy silence when it comes to
races for the House. I find that most people
don’t even know who represents them in the
Capitol. If we stood in front of a supermarket
with a picture of Justin Bieber and a picture of
the local congressperson, I bet 19 out of 20 peo-
ple wouldn't recognize the latter. This is not our
fault. It’s the result of the wall the House has
built around itself.

I became involved in politics in the mid-
1990s, working with others to fight music cen-
sorship on the local and state levels. Along
the way I noticed how many elections were ef-
fectively uncontested, and I wanted to know
why. The culprit is gerrymandering: politi-
cal insiders drawing district lines that benefit
them and the mainstream parties they work
for. Nine out of 10 House races are in the “safe
seat” column, in districts where the outcome is
a foregone conclusion. This is why most people
can’t name their U.S. representative: The lack
of competition is repellent.

We can fix that with a federal law that em-
powers independent commissions to redraw
district lines so political elites can no longer
manipulate elections. California voters passed
such a law. The awesome power of redistricting

ILLUSTRATION BY BENJAMIN CONSTANTINE

sy KRIST NOVOSELIC

was handed over to a citizens’ commission, and
the old district lines, custom made for politi-
cians, were wiped off the map. What if we took
it one step further so you and I could share in
this power? What if voters could pick a candi-
date who inspired them and who had a chance
at winning in a fair election?

There is a way.

The idea that a district should be repre-
sented by only one person has no constitu-
tional basis and is flat-out wrong. The system
stems from the Uniform Congressional Dis-
trict Act, a 1967 federal statute that resulted
in a gerrymandered wall around the House.
Prior to that law, many states allowed dis-
tricts to elect multiple representatives. Un-
fortunately, political insiders manipulated
the rules to disenfranchise racial minorities,
making sure the white majority swept all the
seats—hence the law.

But the problem is not multi-seat districts.
We need voting rules that use these kinds of
districts to give more people a real voice in
elections. Here’s how we get to a potent vote
and fair representation.

Imagine athree-seat district where each cit-
izen gets one vote to elect three people. This
wouldn’t necessarily mean an increase in the
number of House seats; the redistricting pro-
cess would entail consolidating multiple dis-
tricts in each state, so the country’s grand
total could stay at 435. (That number, by the
way, is a political decision and not a constitu-
tional requirement.)

So how would this work? It’s as simple as
electing the top three vote winners. We would
see districts electing both Republicans and
Democrats. And of course there would be
space for third parties and independents. No

more voters getting stuck in a district that
favors one party or another.

This system is constitutionally protected,
and many examples can be found in local
governments—especially in places that needed
to remedy racial-disenfranchisement issues
under the Voting Rights Act.

Things get more potent when we use ranked-
choice voting, following the example of cities
in California’s Bay Area, as well as Minneap-
olis and St. Paul, Minnesota, and Portland,
Maine. With this system, you rank your candi-
dates first, second and third. The three candi-
dates with the most votes win.

We need to take the power out of the hands
of insiders and put it where it belongs—in the
hands of voters. While issues such as money in
presidential campaigns and gender identity in
public bathrooms dominate politics, our broken
congressional elections pass under the radar. We
ignore them at our peril. In essence we are giv-
ing away this cornerstone of our constitutional
system to the interests that control the Washing-
ton, D.C. political culture. It’s time to make Con-
gress the “People’s House” it was designed to be.

This November, many people will hold their
nose as they vote in the presidential election.
Regardless of whom you choose for the high-
est office in the land, imagine casting a strong
and meaningful ballot for the U.S. House under
a system of fair representation. This is the in-
spiration that will tear down the wall Congress
has built around itself.

Best known as the bassist of Nirvana, Krist Novoselic
chairs the electoral-reform group FairVote and is a
longtime advocate for freedom of expression and
association. He lives in Washington state.

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ESSAY

FREE

THE PRESS

The American news media is driven by the pursuit of money
and power—not the truth. It has to be fixed

Imagine if the press in America were truly
free—if journalism cost absolutely nothing to
produce. What would reporting be like if it were
unencumbered by the need to make profits, if
a news operation's survival didn't depend on
generating clicks, ginning up subscriptions or
depositing asses in front of TVs?

What if our media were also free of the greed
for power—free of a corporate owner's desire to
please a politician whose actions could affect
the company's bottom line, of reporters who ask
only friendly questions in order to retain access
to the highest levels of power, of newsroom work-
ers who have fixed their compasses on moving
up at the expense of making a difference?

Would our stories be more aggressive and our
questioning of politicians, of all stripes, more
adversarial? Would more whistle-blowers be
willing to step forward? Would newsrooms be
more inclined to launch risky investigations,
tackle difficult subjects and take on projects
that require more time, manpower and money
than they’re able to commit now?

We all know the answers.

When I became a journalist, I didn't do it be-
cause I wanted to get rich quick, or even slowly.
I did it because I believed I was joining a kind of
church, acult that worshipped curiosity and the
First Amendment, whose members believed we
were performing a public service integral to our
way of life. We were there to represent all Ameri-
cans, to be their eyes and ears, and to bring back
to them the gritty details of how government
really worked, how our leaders behaved behind
closed doors and how our tax dollars were used.

That is what I believed profoundly when I took
myjobat CBS News in 1989. I lost that job almost
16 years later in a political firestorm triggered
by corporate fear and partisan political attacks

ILLUSTRATION BY JEAN JULLIEN

sy MARY MAPES

after Dan Rather and I broadcast a challenging
60 Minutes II story about the sketchy military
record of then president George W. Bush.

What I didn’t realize when we aired that story
was that in the years between my first day at
CBS and the day I was asked to leave the build-
ing and never come back, our media models had
devolved into something much less than a fully
free press. They'd become profit-first businesses
built on the belief that freedom of the press sim-
ply wasn’t worth the cost. That thinking has been
behind the decades-long drive of corporate own-
ers to cut corners in news coverage, lay off a gen-
eration of reporters and shutter news outlets that
weren't meeting unrealistically high profit mar-
gins. At some point, profitability and the First
Amendment became mutually exclusive.

Once upon a time, we had very few outlets for
news and information. Now, though we seem
to have more choices, it’s a digital delusion. In
1983, 50 companies controlled 90 percent of our
media. Over the next three decades, the Federal
Communications Commission relaxed or elimi-
nated multiple rules limiting media ownership.
Today, thanks to consolidation, mega-mergers,
hostile takeovers and financial hard times, the
number of controlling companies is down to
six. And those six companies—Comcast, Walt
Disney, News Corp., Time Warner, Viacom and
CBS—have made callow choices about what
Americans should be able to see and learn about
the world around us.

If our media universe were a restaurant,
American news consumers would be under-
nourished. We exist on a steady diet of intel-
lectual junk food—cotton candy, Cheez Whiz
and chicken wings—with an occasional hunk
of raw red meat thrown into the mix. Like chil-
dren whose every meal is delivered through a

car window, we’re getting exactly what media
executives think we want, not what they know
we need—and not what we deserve.

That’s why a blustering reality-TV star has
seemed to so many Americans a viable can-
didate to lead the country. And the media has
facilitated Donald Trump, the Honey Boo Boo of
Campaign 2016, by giving him free, unfiltered
access to American audiences—not because he’s
brilliant but because he’s ratings gold.

It’s not as easy as it used to be to stay in-
formed, but it’s more important than ever be-
fore. That leaves the onus on American citizens
to curate our own coverage, to serve as our own
editors in compiling a go-to list of news sites,
newspapers and television programs. We have
toread international news and consider analysis
from people with whom we fundamentally dis-
agree. We have to try new things, such as jour-
nalistic start-ups that operate as nonprofits. We
have to protect whistle-blowers, support web-
sites and editors that rail against the status quo
and champion reporters who regularly earn the
wrath of the rich and powerful.

We all know the future of our news media is
digital, but we aren’t there yet—not by a long
shot. We're still chimps in command of ajumbo-
jet cockpit, thrilled to be along for the ride but not
quite sure where we’re going or how to get there.

We can use our desktops as windows into the
universe, our laptops to learn about the world
and our smartphones to access the wisdom of
the ages—or we can use them to take pictures of
our genitals and text them to one another.

Maybe it’s time we stopped dicking around.

Mary Mapes is a journalist, author and Peabody
Award-winning television news producer.

In the city that never sleeps, model
Madison Headrick captures the
essence of our greatest American
liberty—the freedom to dream

PHOTOGRAPHY BY GHRIS HEADS

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Today’s comedians talk about the jokes
that took on taboos, broke barriers
and left us cringing—and laughing

Risky comedy is edging closer to extinction. Unfortunately, this shift isn’t happening because our culture
has become so progressive that the proverbial line is nearly impossible to cross. Quite the opposite: The level
of tolerance for daring humor has retreated. Collective cries of the offended are amplified by retweets, on-
line petitions and college op-eds from the vice chairperson of the Students for Nondiscriminatory Lan-
guage Committee. 1 How the hell did this happen? There's no clear perpetrator, no outspoken right-wing

televangelist, no Tipper Gore, no McCarthy-like politician foaming at the mouth over every tits, ass and
dick joke. No, in this age of pervasive political correctness and cries of “microaggressions,” we're doing this
to ourselves. 1 PLAYBOY sought out some of today’s funniest comedians and asked them to tell us about the
most fearless jokes they ve heard and the comics who crafted them. What we found are jokes that take on the
most salient topics of our time—terrorism, abortion and race, to name a few—and are absolutely hilarious.

IT WAS BEYOND MY IMAGINATION'S IMAGINATION
THAT YOU COULD EVEN DO THAT. BACK THEN,
“GOING TOO FAR" WAS A REAL THING.

LEWIS BLACK: Paul
Krassneronthe Assassi-
nation of President John
< a F.Kennedy

In 1967, William Manchester

published The Death of a Presi-
dent, ahistoricalaccount ofthe JFK assassina-
tion. But Jackie Kennedy and Robert Kennedy
had insisted that parts of the manuscript be
removed. Amid that censorship controversy,
satirist Paul Krassner provided the “missing
pieces" in The Realist, his underground paper.

I would get The Realist in the mail. I don’t
know how my parents let me do this, but it
would show up, black and white, 20 pages, and
one issue had a supposed excerpt from Man-
chester’s book.

I’m of that generation for whom Kennedy’s
assassination was massive. The game board
changed. We were playing Monopoly, and now
we're playing Psychosis.

Up to that point, the big thing in terms of
over-the-top comedy was Lenny Bruce saying

Jackie Kennedy was scrambling to get out of
the car. But Krassner wrote in The Realist that
Jackie was on Air Force One with her family and
Lyndon Johnson, flying back with the casket
with President Kennedy’s body in it. And she
goes to the back and notices that Johnson is hov-
ering over the casket. As she approaches, she
slowly realizes—this is a summary—that John-
son is fucking the bullet hole in Kennedy’s neck.

It was like somebody gave me a drug. It liter-
ally made my head explode. I yelped, and then
I laughed, and then it was...disorienting. It
was beyond my imagination. It was beyond my
imagination’s imagination that you could even
do that. Or say that. And back then there were
still taboos. Back then, “going too far” was a real
thing. It wasn’t just a question of “too soon.”

That joke changed the way I looked at the
world. You have to realize, they were pulling
the rug out from under Kennedy. It was the
first shot across the bow of all of this stuffthat
would come out later: “Our leaders are not who
they seem to be.”

Jay Mohr on Chris Rock (pictured): “He explains to hundreds of black people what he
hates about them. It’s astoundingly ballsy.”

KELLY CARLIN: George
Carlin on Abortion

When I was a kid, I didn’t really
understand what my father was
doing in a larger context. It
didn’t dawn on me. He was my
dad. But in my 30s I started to appreciate the
power and the true boldness of his comedy. In
his 1996 HBO special, he comes out and says
something like “Why is it that people who are
against abortion are the people you wouldn't
wantto fuck in the first place?”

On the surface, it can seem like an anti-
feminist statement, because he's objectifying
these women who are against abortion. But
he's makingthis really subtle point about abor-
tion at the same time. And it's really funny.
You can't help—if you have a certain political
proclivity—but laugh from the shock of it and
from the truth of it.

When you put something like that out into
the world, the risk is that it’s no longer yours.
You can’t control how it lands on everybody;
everyone has a prism they’re going to receive
it through. That’s what’s interesting about my
dad’s audience. Not only did he have everyone
from nine- to 90-year-olds, but he also had rad-
ical lefties and libertarians—and conserva-
tives. Telling that kind of joke—it’s a huge risk.

JAY MOHR: Chris Rock

on Race

Chris Rock. Checkmate, Chris

Rock. Chris Rock stood in front

of a black audience while film-

ing a special. He said, “I love
black people; I hate niggers.” Like I said, this
was in front of a black audience. They’re all
laughing, but you know he’s a comedian, so
there's an explanation to come. So you're just
sitting there thinking, Um, what is happening?

Look, everybody wants to say Lenny Bruce
was this pioneer. Lenny Bruce was whacked
out on speed, reading his own court transcripts
onstage until people left. I could do that if I did
speed—because I wouldn’t care about anything
but more speed.

But to stand in front of a black audience and
tell them what’s wrong with your entire race,
citing specifics—checkmate. No matter who
else says what in this article, no matter what

you think after finishing this piece, just cir-
cle back to Chris Rock and see if it's ballsier
than what he did.

It wasn’t like he did the bit at a nightclub.
It was a filmed special! There are signs out-
side saying, “If you enter the premises, you
are agreeing to be filmed for HBO.” And he
just explains to hundreds of black people
what he hates about them. It’s astoundingly
ballsy. It’s other level. George Carlin proba-
bly went, “Wow!”

If you’re a comedian and you’re not doing
something ballsy, go do something else, man.
Nobody buys a comedy ticket to hear about
how wacky the airlines are.

JBSMOOVE: Richard
Pryor on Freebasing

In 1980, after freebasing co-
caine, Richard Pryor doused
himself in 151-proof rum, set
himselfon fire and ran through
the streets ablaze. He was rushed to the hospi-
tal with burns covering half his body and later
revealed it was a suicide attempt—something
he describes in his 1982 special, Richard Pryor:
Live on the Sunset Strip.

Comics are the only ones who can take pain
and make it into something interesting to hear.
Richard Pryor, to me, was the one who would
go into that barrel and express himself so viv-
idly onstage, especially after his tragic inci-
dent. Who knows how that changed his life?
Iwas a huge fan, and to watch him do that bit
onstage— wow!

To me it shows the level of commitment Pryor
had. His level of honesty—I don’t think anyone
has come along after that to top what he does
onstage. What he does is daring. There’s a sac-
rifice he makes.

You have to be willing to give part of your life
away. Comics don’t worry about people in the
audience. They worry about people they have to
be around after they leave that stage—the peo-
ple trying to help them, the people ina relation-
ship with them. The audience doesn’t know the
extent of Pryor’s drug use; maybe they think
he’s making it up. They don’t know his per-
sonal life. They haven’t been in bed with him.
They haven’t raised him. They haven’t done
anything with him other than watch him on
TV and on stage. But someone in his life didn’t
know all those details yet, so that’s a whole dif-
ferent thing to give up.

And you have to realize, he almost died. He
almost left this earth. Yet he put a take on it
that was funny while still acknowledging the
extent of what he’d gone through. I’m not just
laughing at the bit, I’m thinking, Damn, this

JB Smoove on Richard Pryor (pictured) in Live on the Sunset Strip: "I'm not just laughing at the bit, I’m think-
ing, Damn, this is crazy! It’s intriguing, it’s funny as hell, and it’s honest. It’s a powerful moment in comedy.”

is crazy! It’s intriguing, it’s funny as hell, and
it’s honest. It’s a powerful moment in comedy.

ANDY KINDLER: Bill
Hicks on Killing Presi-
dent Ronald Reagan

Bill Hicks had a bit about John
Hinckley Jr.—the guy who
tried to kill Reagan—and how
Hinckley’s whole thing was that he wanted
to kill the president because of Jodie Foster.
Hicks says something like “I can’t understand
why it was because of Jodie Foster. I could un-
derstand if it was Phoebe Cates.” Then Hicks
does a whole thing where he’s running around
the White House, killing everybody in the
name of Phoebe Cates.

I wouldn’t do that joke. There are certain
things I have a Jewish fear of, like you’re
never supposed to joke about killing the
president. But what’s so perfect is that Hicks
would do things I would never do, which
means it was probably even more important
that he did it. The joke ends with him in the
electric chair, sniffing his finger, kind of as
a Phoebe Cates memory.

It would never occur to me to go, “Jodie Fos-

ter? That's a horrible choice...but I could see
Phoebe Cates!” Remember that scene where
Phoebe Cates comes out of the water in Fast
Times at Ridgemont High? To me, Hicks
picks the exact person you would choose in
that scenario.

Hicks obviously hates everything the Rea-
gans represent. Within the context of this
fantasy, I’m sure he took pleasure acting it
out. Ithink he says something like “Get back
here, Nancy Reagan! Get your skinny ass
back here!” while he pretend-runs through
the White House, spraying bullets.

I met Hicks in the winter of 1988 on a tour
in Michigan. It was right after he got sober. I
had started comedy in 1984, and I was actu-
ally frightened at how amazing his act was.
He was the first comic I saw really be angry.
Ithink he was outraged by the politics ofthe
country. Outraged. He had such strong opin-
ions about how fucked-up things were. So his
joke is basically saying, “These people arein
many ways criminals, so don’t walk around
canonizing them or making them larger than
life.” But he’s also making a solid point that if
you're a crazed psychopath, you should have
higher standards.

Natasha Leggero on Joan Rivers (pictured): “Joan's own manager took her aside and said she shouldn't tell those
types of jokes. Back then, being a woman who talked about things like abortion and sex was just not done.”

NATASHA LEGGERO:
Joan Rivers on Abortion
Comedy is all about perspec-
tive and time period. You
watch Lenny Bruce's act now,
and you don't understand how
it got him arrested. Things have changed so
much. But when you look at context, it's Joan
Rivers talking about abortion on television.
She couldn't even call it abortion! She had to
call it an appendectomy. She had a joke about
a woman who had 14 appendectomies, and
Joan's own manager took her aside and said
she shouldn't tell those types of jokes. In her
documentary she remembers how Jack Lem-
mon left her show and was like, “That's dis-
gusting. Women shouldn’t talk like that.”

Today, if something's not politically cor-
rect, or if it’s bad, it doesn't matter if it comes
from a man or awoman. But back then, beinga
woman who talked about things like abortion
and sex was just not done. Joan Rivers is defi-
nitely the first person I know of who did.

The best comics have always gone against
the norm. Men at that time were probably
afraid of women talking like that. But abor-
tion is something a lot of women can relate

to. They have the potential to have, they have
had or they're scared they're going to have an
abortion. It's part of being a woman. Of course
females will joke about that.

Comedians go through life saying the things
other people are afraid to say, so obviously
they're going to go into the territory of taboo
subjects. Sure, you can go around being PC,
making sure you don't offend anyone. But the
kind of comics 1 like, and the kind of comedic
minds I’m drawn to, are the people who say
what everyone is thinking. And they're able to
frame ideas in a way that's not only enlighten-
ing and intelligent but also hilarious.

JIM NORTON: Wanda
Sykes on Rush Limbaugh
and Terrorism

The most unafraid joke I can
think of was told by Wanda
Sykes when she hosted the 2009
White House Correspondents’ Dinner.

She did a bit about Rush Limbaugh being the
20th hijacker: “He just wants the country to
fail. To me, that's treason. He's not saying any-
thing different than what Osama bin Laden is
saying. You know, you might want to look into

this. I think maybe Rush Limbaugh was the
20th hijacker, but he was just so strung out on
OxyContin he missed his flight.”

I thought that was so stunning because she
did a 9/11 joke in front of the president and the
entire U.S. government. She risked absolutely
losing everyone by doing that.

1 don't care what side of the fence you're on
politically, who she voted for, whatever. The
fact that she did a 20th-hijacker joke —I would
never have the balls to do that as a comic. And
itwas a funny joke.

Now again, itwas a White House Correspon-
dents’ Dinner. You really can't do a higher-
profile gigthan that or a more prestigious one
as a comedian. She was risking a tremendous
amount. In this day and age, that kind of risk
could hurt your career. I’m always amazed
when people are willing to do jokes like that.
I’ve heard meaner jokes. I’ve heard dirtier
jokes. But as far as overall risk, that’s the one
Iadmire the most.

ARTIE LANGE: Mitch
Hedberg on Heroin

Mitch Hedberg had a joke that
could have led to some very se-
rious personal consequences.

Mitch died ofa heroin and co-
caine overdose 11 years ago. Really a tragic end.
But he had some of the most amazing, edgiest
jokes ever. He told this joke on the radio—and
I felt like he sort of looked at me, because he
knew Ihad the same issue—and I could see him
in his head going, Should I say this? Because it
was clearly true. The joke was *You know what
Ilove the most about my Federal Express de-
liveryman? He's a drug dealer and he doesn't
even know it."

Think about that. Mitch was known for hav-
ing drug issues. He'd been busted before, and
he'd clearly gotten his fix delivered by his
FedEx guy. If that joke spawned an investiga-
tion of any sort, he'd go to jail.

But you know, that's who comedians are.
That's an insight into the psyche of a comic.
*You know what, it's a great joke. It's going to
get a laugh. I want to be known for doing great
jokes. Even if I'm going to prison, I'm going to
say the joke." That's what alot ofus have.

DAVE ATTELL: Sam
Kinison on Jesus

As a comic, Sam Kinison is
totally underrated and one of
the guys you wished you were
when you watched him on-
stage. He was that good. Pure energy, rage—it
all syncs together so well.

SHE DID A 9/11 JOKE IN FRONT OF THE PRESI-
DENT AND THE ENTIRE U.S. GOVERNMENT.
SHE RISKED LOSING EVERYONE BY DOING THAT.

Take his whole Jesus bit: “Jesus is the only
guy who came back from the dead and didn't
scare the fuck out of everybody.” If you look at
the full-tilt run, it's great joke after great joke.
I've heard so many versions of it, but the pure,
true first one on Jesus was Sam.

I know he did a bit of it on Saturday Night
Live and on his first HBO special. It was ba-
sically, *No one knew what Jesus's last words
were, but I think it was something like this"—
and he begins hammering his hands into the
floor. He's doing this on television. And he did
the whole thing of Jesus saying, “When am I
coming back? Tell 'em 1:11 be there as soon asI
can play the pianoooo again!" He has all these
great jokes. It was something of Sam's that was
his brand, unique to him. And the fact that he
was a preacher makes it valid.

Today everyone is so PC about religion.
You’re allowed to talk about certain things but
not others. Sam Kinison was definitely the guy
who took itas far as you can go, and every little
piece of the Jesus bit is hilarious. He runs with
it. You can't not laugh. It’s great. It’s irreverent.

KEVIN POLLAK: Zach
Galifianakis on Racism
The most fearless joke I’ve ever
heard is the famous Zach Gal-
ifianakis bit. It’s about how
much he hates the word nigger.
He hates every part of it, any use of it, any con-
text it can be used in. He sets it up by saying
he’s very, very sensitive to it. He says, “Like, the
other day, I heard someone say the word sand-
nigger. And it really, really disturbed me. It got
me in my heart. It hurt to hear it. And it wasn’t
even in the correct context. It wasn’t like the
guy said, ‘Hey! Get off the sand, nigger. Don’t
you know volleyball is a white man's sport?’ "

Doing that joke in front of a mixed audience,
that’s the most fearless I’ve ever seen. It was
so beautifully designed that it’s pure comedy.
And it completely and utterly defends, and
gives an example of, why there’s no place for
censorship or political correctness for a stand-
up comedian. I mean, you might be offensive
to people, but you’re not being racist, because
it’s a beautifully crafted and designed joke,
and it’s making no comment about a people in
any way, shape or form.

I saw him do it live at Radio City Music Hall.
He did it in front of so many people—and just
leveled the place. When it’s funny, all bets are
off. No rules apply.

TODD GLASS: Louis C.K.
on Gay Marriage
Comedy is a powerful way to
get people to change. When
people already like you and you
say something they don’t agree
with, if you do it comedically, you can change
their beliefs. That’s why comedy is so power-
ful. When you hear “It’s just comedy,” it’s usu-
ally said by a shitty comic. It’s not just comedy.

In his bit on gay marriage, Louis C.K. goes,
“People say, ‘How am I supposed to explain to
my child that two men are getting married?’ I
don’t know. It’s your shitty kid, you fucking tell
him.... Two guys are in love, but they can’t get
married because you don’t want to talk to your
ugly child for fucking five minutes?”

I call it vulgar poetry. In one clean sweep,
it’s like, Really? Is this why we’re preventing
people, two consenting adults, from doing

a natural thing? Please don’t tell me that’s
why we’re preventing two people from show-
ing their love for one another, because you’re
afraid you can’t explain it to your children.
Louis’s joke calls them on that. It says, “You’re
not being honest with why you don’t support
gay marriage. You're just looking and search-
ing for something.”

You know, you can’t get caught in the truth.
And the truth is that most people don’t like
anything about the world of being gay because
it grosses them out. And if they just said that,
you'd be like, “Thank you for being honest. Now
we can discuss.”

But when youtry to hide behind “I don’t know
what to tell my children....” Of course you don’t
know what to tell your children! You don’t even
know what to tell yourself. And Louis’s joke
says it in one clean swoop.

WHITNEY CUMMINGS:
Greg Giraldo and
Crossing Boundaries
What’s gutsy in Texas might
not be in New York. I worked

Todd Glass on Louis C.K. (pictured): “Louis’s joke calls them on that. It says, ‘You’re not being honest
with why you don't support gay marriage.”

THAT GOT THE GROWD BOOING AND HISSING
AND GASPING—EVERY BAD REACTION YOU
GOULD POSSIBLY GET.

for along time onthe Comedy Central Roasts,
where there are no boundaries. So if some-
one is able to find a line there and cross it,
1t's like, wow.

Greg Giraldo always had jokes at those
roasts that were fearless not only in what he
said but how he said it. He would always go
up first, before the audience had anything to
drink. It's five o’clock, they're settlingin, not
focused, taking selfies, they haven't heard
any jokes yet. The first comic always gets a
lot of cringes and jeers, and Giraldo would
kind of break them open. That's what he did.
When they would jeer, he'd go, “Really? We're
at a roast and you're going to jeer me? Okay,
fuck you guys.”

One of his jokes I love is about Ice T. He said,
“Ice T, you’re so old, the first thing you bought
with your record-deal money was your freedom.”
And then he followed it up with “On your first
album, the N word was Negro.” It’s like the two
biggest taboos, a slavery joke and an old-person
joke, all wrapped into one. He just knocked it

out so hard. It was super cool to watch.

You never saw a twitch in his eye if some-
thing didn’t go the way he wanted it to. And
not only did he always have the most daring
jokes, but he’d also berate the audience if they
didn’t give him the appropriate response.

The purpose comedians serve in society is
to find the line and then cross it. It’s our job
to constantly poke people to see what offends
them and what their boundaries, limits, hy-
pocrisies are. What offends us says a lot about
who we are. And people love being offended,
because it gives them the opportunity to be
sanctimonious, to be above something and
feel better about themselves. They get a hit of
dopamine when they say they’re offended, and
they take time out of their day to do it on Twit-
ter or Instagram. Being offended becomes a
large part of our neurological reward system.

The rule we have for the roasts is that it has
to be funnier than it is offensive. So if you’re
going to make a race joke, it had better be an
A-plus race joke.

Whitney Cummings on Greg Giraldo (pictured): “The rule we have for the roasts is that it has to be funnier
than it is offensive. So if you're going to make a race joke, it had better be an A-plus race joke."

JEFF ROSS: Dave Attell
on Terrorism
It was right after the first
World Trade Center bombing
at the base of the tower in 1993.
It was the first act of terrorism
I was really aware of. It was tragic, and New
York was on high alert. No one knew what do-
mestic terrorism was all about back then.

Asa comedian I didn’t know how to handle
something like that. But I went to the Com-
edy Cellar, and I watched Dave Attell go on.
By then he already had the beard and every-
thing. He went up and said, “Okay, maybe
now they’ll start taking me seriously.” He
basically took credit for the first World Trade
Center bombing. The place just erupted with
a guttural laugh of “I can’t believe he said
that. I can’t believe I’m laughing at that. And
I can’t believe we still don't really know what
happened.” That was probably the first time
I remember a comic, a contemporary, just
going for it.

And then we roasted Hugh Hefner in 2001.
I mean, this was three weeks after the Twin
Towers came down. I remember writing a let-
ter to Hef, the Friars Club and Comedy Cen-
tral, saying if we didn’t go on with the show,
the terrorists win. That was before it was
such a clichéd statement. It was obviously a
profound moment in our history. Even peo-
ple Hef’s age, even my manager at the time,
Bernie Brillstein, who was in his 70s, were
scared. No one knew what was happening.

To be honest, New York still smelled like
death. It still smelled like smoldering re-
mains of buildings and everything. It was a
sad time, but we felt an obligation to go on
with the roast.

Then Gilbert Gottfried went up and basi-
cally changed the way everyone in that room
thought about comedy.

GILBERT GOTTFRIED:
Gilbert Gottfried on
Terrorism

It was a few days after Sep-
tember 11, and there was talk
about canceling the roast al-
together. A lot of people who were going to
be there were afraid to fly. To make matters

worse, the roast was in New York. But they
decided to have the roast anyway. All over
the country, people were in a daze. But in
New York, forget it. So there was tension
in the room, to say the very least. I figured
I wanted to be the first one to make a bad-
taste September 11 joke. The first one was
sort of mild. “Tonight 1:11 be using my Mus-
lim name, Hasn bin Laid.” And then I talked
alittle more, a couple more jokes. And then I
said, “I have to leave early tonight; I have to
catch a flight to L.A. I couldn't get a direct
flight; we have to make a stop at the Empire
State Building.”

That got the crowd booing and hissing and
gasping—every bad reaction you could possi-
bly get. You could hear chairs moving around.
One guy yelled, “Too soon!” At that point, I
thought maybe he meant I didn't take a long
enough pause between the setup and the
punch line. I was up there for what felt like—
I mean, if you said I was there for 200 years
after 1 said that joke to when I said the next
one, I would believe it.

Then I went into the aristocrats. It's a
vaudeville-era joke that opens with the same
premise each time: A father walks into a tal-
ent agent's office to pitch his family’s act.
Every comedian has their own variation.
Mine involves the father fucking the wife,
who's jerking off the son, who's going down
on his sister, who's sticking her finger in the
family dog's asshole.

That joke caused a whole turnaround. The
audience was laughing hysterically, what
sounded like coughing up blood. Howling
and cheering. It seemed to turn into a party
atmosphere.

People wrote about it, saying it was like the
first time they breathed. Some said it was like
the joke at that point was a healing process.
One person compared it to performing a mass
tracheotomy. For me, it struck me that ter-
rorist jokes were bad taste; incest and besti-
ality, good taste.

PENN JILLETTE:
Gilbert Gottfried anda
Private Conversation
The importance of obscen-
ity and disgust in the wake of
tragedy is really important to
me. I did a whole movie about it, a90-minute
essay about Gilbert telling the aristocrats
joke after 9/11. But I’m not leading with a
story about a publicly funny thing.

Gilbert and I are both mama’s boys. We
were both extremely close to our mothers.
When my mom died, it was devastating. Then

Gilbert Gottfried on his 9/11 joke: “I was up there for what felt like—l mean, if you said | was there for 200
years after | said that joke to when | said the next one, | would believe it.”

about a year and a half later, Gilbert’s mom
died. As stricken as I was about the death of
my mom, Gilbert was more stricken about the
death of his. I talked to Gilbert on the phone
and went to New York City to see him. And
what happened that evening—I’ve never spo-
ken about this publicly—I can’t explain.

Gilbert and I met for supper at Café Un
Deux Trois, a French restaurant. We went
to a back table. This was within a week of his
mom’s death, one-on-one with a friend who’d
also lost his mom. You'd expect Gilbert to
maybe tell stories about his mom, maybe get
a bit philosophical.

But what we did was sit across from each
other and just vomit up the most offensive
jokes we could think of. Now, when you talk
about Gilbert Gottfried, it's hard to even
imagine the level he would go to. We went to
every taboo in society. It's not an exaggera-
tion to say that if that conversation had been
recorded and disseminated with our names
on it, it would be the end of both our careers.

I’m talking about sexist, racist, any sort
of distasteful, horrible feeling. We sat back
there for probably three hours. And the jokes
weren’t punctuation; it wasn’t that we would

say, “Oh, and by the way....” It was talking
about raping his dead mother. It was any-
thing you could imagine that was taboo. It
was just this gigantic, raging fuck-you to life.
It was black vomit of hate spewing out of us,
punctuated with insane, mirthless laughter.
It was one of the most extraordinary experi-
ences of my life.

Although I was in the middle of it, neither
Gilbert nor I instigated it. Neither Gilbert
nor I were part of it. Neither of us knew what
was going on. Yet we were the only ones there.

It was the most visceral, personal interac-
tion with comedy I’ve ever had. It wasn’t com-
edy used in the way I’d seen it used before. It
wasn’t “We went to the wake and we were tell-
ing jokes to stop from crying.” That wasn’t it
at all. It was not acelebration of our mothers’
lives. It was pure hatred for everything un-
pleasant in the world.

I’ve thought about that evening many times
since. It was our way of throwing a tantrum,
destroying a hotel room. It was our way of
grabbing a gun and running amok in public.
It strikes me as a wonderfully safe, kind, ca-
thartic way to do it. And it remains that way—
as long as I never repeat the jokes. a

PLAYMATE

alı |
PHOTOGRAPHY BY JASON LEE PARRY

Ali Michael sports a threadbare Marilyn Manson T-shirt with enough holes to pattern a slice of
Swiss cheese. “I took this shirt home to Texas once,” she says, sipping instant coffee in her SoHo
apartment—her preferred joe on mornings like this when she lacks the energy to brew the real thing.
“My mom and I were heading out when she said, ‘Sorry, can you please change?’ But overall, I don't
have to tone it down." Such is the life of a woman who belongs to two worlds. Miss July grew up riding
horses outside Fort Worth, the daughter of a man who shoots guns and rides a Harley. Today, she lives
in Manhattan—a successful runway model whose career spans a decade and whose Twitter feed drips
with borscht belt cynicism. Both places are home; Ali is a product of the two of them. *I have polari-
ties. I listen to Deftones and gravitate to dark things, but I grew up in the middle of nowhere, going to
Walmart. I'm weird but also completely normal." For the 26-year-old, reconciling these disparities is
her coming-of-age. “Living in New York City is like being in an abusive relationship. I get burned out.
It’s important to go back to Texas, where my heart is, and hear no sirens and see the sky. You never see
the sky in New York. But then I’m like, Fuck, I want to be back there. It’s an addiction.” Therein lies
her quarter-life calling. “Like many people my age, I’m still figuring myself out—and I’m okay with
that. I like being human. Nobody really knows what the fuck they’re doing, and that’s totally fine.”

3 339

— temma TE >

E ee nr PAÍS —

mas e x

9107 ATAC SSIW

MICHAEL

AGE:26 BIRTHPLACE: Grapevine, Texas GURRENT CITY: New York

ALL-AMERICAN GIRL

I'm Texan. I’m American. PLAYBOY
has always been iconic to me.
| love that my photo shoot has
stars and stripes to represent
where | come from. My mom is my
best friend, and she and my dad
are so excited and proud, which
has always been importantto me.

MY FAVORITE ARTIST

| love the Austrian painter Egon
Schiele. Sometimes l'll go to a
museum and not feel much, but
when | saw a Schiele show at
New York City's Neue Galerie, I
wanted to spend the entire day
there. That tells you how much
his work resonates. It's weirdly
uncomfortable to look at, yet
delicate and beautiful.

WHY I ALWAYS KEEP UP WITH
THEKARDASHIANS

lm a big fan of the Kardashians.
I have two personalities. | can be
weird and dark, but | think the Kar-
dashians appeal to the basic side
of my personality. | also try to intel-
lectualize the show in an anthro-
pological way. They're human and
no less valuable than anyone else.

MY TOP SUMMER BBQFARE

Last year | spent the Fourth of
July in London. My friend's family
felt so bad that | wasn't in Amer-
ica for the holiday, they threw me
a barbecue and cooked English
sausages in lieu of hot dogs, which
were amazing. But my favorites
are still burgers and hot dogs—
with mustard. | hate ketchup.

WHAT LOVE FEELS LIKE

How do you know you're in love?
When you don’t have to think
about it. I've always been overly
analytical when it comes to emo-
tions. In past relationships I've felt
a kind of separateness | thought
would never go away, no matter
who | was with. | was trying to
convince myself | should be with
someone. You shouldn't have to
think about it like that. | learned
the separateness | felt was be-
cause | wasn't with the right peo-
ple. It’s basic, but it’s really all
about your gut feeling.

THE MOST UNATTRACTIVETRAIT

Anyone who's always overly po-
lite bores me. That's how you
know they're bullshitting you.

A marine finds a fleeting glimpse of fellowship as she tries
ceona

ë
Brooklyn kickball field

ILLUSTRATIONS BY SKIP STERLING

to keep the pea

FICTION

They called me the Fat Dyke Ref that summer. It didn't hurt my feelings so much
as it violated my sense of exactness. Fat? Id always been cinder-block thick,

and it was true that Id put on some weight since the desert. Dyke? Yeah, I liked

vaginas more than dicks, they had me there. But a ref, in kickball? 1 “Bitches, m

an umpire,” Id say, because that’s what I was, and because it was fun to watch
strangers’ faces when I called them bitches. “Get it right or get off my field.”

The kind of people who played Sunday kick-
ball at McCarren Park weren’t used to being
talked to that way, not by people like me.
Some were staunch Brooklyn dwellers, free-
lancing hipster types welded into the rails of
L-train culture. Others were wayfarers from
across the bridge, ad execs, digital communi-
cation associates, office ilk with salaries and
titles. Whichever borough they claimed, most
were actually expats from Middle America,
whiter-than-snow 20-somethings loaded up
on brunch mimosas. Monday through Satur-
day they might’ve been able to handle a fag
with a butch cut and a homegrown fuck-all at-
titude. We'd talk deli sandwiches, or weather,
or maybe Obama. It was an election year. But
Sunday, at the kickball fields? That was sup-
posed to be theirs. My presence screwed with
the equilibrium of it all.

And I got that. Ooh-rah to diversity, but
sometimes we just need to be around our
own kind. Wednesday nights, when I went to
Mama’s Lounge to get faded and maybe laid,
the last thing I wanted to see was a Hasid or a
pack of finance bros. Same with Saturday eve-
ning mass at St. Francis’s—if you went there,
you were either old, Italian or both. Those two
parts of my existence, and the people in them,
stayed separate. I was grateful for that. After
coming home from Iraq, it took me a while to
figure out that getting through life meant com-
partmentalizing it. New York was as tribal as
the desert. It just had more compartments.

After a few weeks, the various kickball tribes
got used to the Fat Dyke Ref. If I wasn’t quite
welcome, I was at least tolerated, like a neigh-

bor’s Christmas decorations in May. They’d
taken to my cousin Squatch more easily—
he’d become the Ref With the Burned Face—
mostly because he’d just flex his biceps when
they tried to argue a call. Six-foot-four and
280 pounds, Squatch was the Eurasia of big
people—sprawling but shiftless. The kick-
ballers didn’t know that, though. They just saw
a mute giant with a face of brain. Not even the
man-roosters wearing their high school base-
ball cleats messed with that.

Our downstairs neighbor Chad was the
league commissioner, and how we’d gotten the
jobs. Squatch already worked as a bouncer at
the local bar Chad owned, Not Chad’s. Appar-
ently muscle was needed at the kickball fields
too. I got the league a tax credit; Chad had seen
something on the news about hiring veterans
being good business and texted me immedi-
ately. He wasn’t so bad, as far as grown men
who wore backward caps to hide their baldness
went, but him rolling around the
park on a Segway drinking from
a plastic chalice did little for Wil-
liamsburg’s reputation.

The gig proved simple enough—out, safe,
fuck off, that sort of thing. Other than whin-
ing about calls, no one said much of anything
to me, not directly. Then, three weeks in, one
of the man-roosters noticed my tats.

“Yut, yut,” he said as he walked up to kick,
nodding to the black SEMPER FIDELIS ink
slashing my forearms. He had awood necklace
on, common enough in north Brooklyn, ex-
cept for what hung from the end of it—a hand-
carved EGA. Unless something had changed

BY MATT
GALLAGHER

in the four years I’d been out, the eagle, globe
and anchor was still the official emblem of my
beloved Corps.

“Kill,” I replied. Another marine, here? I
couldn't believe it. The only other vets I'd met
in the hood had been a dipshit fobbit writing a
screenplay and the old-timers at the VFW beer
hall on Grand Street. The maybe-marine with
the wood necklace was built like one of us, firm
and knotty, but he had long drummer hair and
skin bare as Saran wrap. The only marines I’d
known without tattoos were officers. But this
guy didn’t walk the way they did. He had swag,
shoulders rolling forward like a proper grunt.
He looked Asian, or maybe half Asian—he was
pretty enough, under all the fuzz on his face.

Before I could sniff his war balls—where,
when, what unit—he kicked a two-run double
into a banking red sun. It won the game, and
he didn’t bother to circle all the bases, disap-
pearing between the dog-run and the big syca-
more Girls filmed in front of one
time. This vanishing act didn’t
seem to trouble his team, though.
They were already talking victory
drinks. Later, during the evening games, I won-
dered if I'd imagined it all, the EGA necklace,
the hair, the yuts. The new pills from the VA
had been messing with my dreams; maybe they
could mess with my not-dreams too. Or per-
haps he’d been a goddamn ghost. Some leather-
neck who hadn’t made it back from the desert.

Or he was just some idiot who'd played too
much Call of Duty. That felt right.

I mentioned the hipster marine to Squatch
that night as we walked back to our apartment.

109

Welivedinasleepytrapezoid ofeast Williams-
burg that was still more Italian than gentri-
fied. Our grandma had bequeathed the place
to the two of us in the hospital, after making
us promise we’d sell only to fellow descendants
of Lo Stivale.

“That's how the Polacks kept Greenpoint,”
she'd said. Her final words, actually.

THE GUYS WERE BETA
MALES WHO LOOKED LIKE
THEY SUBSISTED ON KALE.

“You sure he said yut?” Squatch had been
umping another game, so he hadn't seen the
guy with long drummer hair. “That's not really
aword, Marti. He could’ve said cut. Or butt. Or
he was burping.”

“There's the way marines say yut, and there's
the way everyone else says it.” Squatch himself
had said it like a slow kid trying out phonics.
“This guy said itthe way we do.”

Squatch shrugged. He was unconvinced, I
could tell. He wanted me to go back to school,
on the G.I. Bill, but I'd tried a couple times al-
ready and it hadn't taken. He'd also suggested
1 find some vets group in the city, like a politi-
cal thing or whatever. “Put that wrath to use,”
he liked to say. I'd done some disaster relief in
the Rockaways after Sandy, joining up with an
organization made up of a lot of young vets and
first responders. It’d been a good experience,
and real work. Even made my heart glow for a
couple days. Then I'd come home and looked up
the org’s public financial records. I stopped vol-
unteering after that.

The evening air was broth; New York Junes
weren't much for mercy. Other than some traf-
fic din from the BQE, the only noise in the
neighborhood came from a block over, where
some kids had opened a hydrant. It sounded
wet. To the west, distant and bound by broken
clouds, the Freedom Tower jutted through the
sky. A small beacon blinked at the top of it, a
bright red light there to ward off planes. It
sort of reminded me of the Eye of Sauron, but
I pushed that thought away. If there was any-
where left in the world where we were still the
good guys, it was there.

On Humboldt Street, someone had tagged

FICTION

the metal shutters of an auto-body shop closed
for the weekend. A large orange bull’s head
gleamed from the shutters’ center, horns filled
in with a black burnish like midnight. Squatch
cursed at it. Lately a lot of spray-painted bull’s
heads had been appearing in the area.

We passed by Mr. Pisano, probing down the
sidewalk with his cane, fitting and refitting his

tweed hat. He’d lived in the walk-up across the
street since the Depression and done a tour in
the Coast Guard. We said hello, but he looked
back blankly, his face a map of deep wrinkles.
He smelled like Vaseline.

“He thinks we’re them,” Squatch said. He
meant gentrifiers, or hipsters, or scenesters,
or anything other than a native. “I’ve known
that man since Little League.”

“Naw, dude. Ain’t that.” There’d been a dis-
tant look in Mr. Pisano’s face, more amnesia
than anger. “Just old.”

Squatch held open the front door of our
apartment building with a sarcastic “Yut.” I
ignored him. Chad was in the hallway, folding
up his Segway. He smiled wide at us, his back-
ward cap angling out to the side.

“My people!” he said. “Another day of tri-
umph and glory.”

“Ask Chad about the hipster marine,”
Squatch said. “He probably knows who he is.”

“Whoa, don’t use that word.” Neither of us
knew what Chad meant, so he continued. “The
hipster is dead. We’re post-hipster now.”

I didn’t want to talk hipsters, and I definitely
didn’t want to talk post-hipsters. “When we
getting paid, Chad?” I asked. My monthly dis-
ability check covered most of the bills, a recur-
ring gift from the hidden artillery shell that’d
blown out my left eardrum. But a girl could al-
ways use some spending money. I had my eye
on a new pair of wedges I'd seen at a store along
Metropolitan. “This isn't easy work."

It was easy work. But after spending all day
in the sun, my feet barking and a head like ash,
it didn’t feel like it just then.

*End of the month, end of the month," Chad

said. “And I appreciate what you do, remember
that! But, well. Marti. There's been some—not
complaints, really. More. Observations?"

“You want me to be nicer."

"Please."

"Fine." I was surprised it'd taken this long;
some raptor-faced skank had called me the
meanest person she'd ever met the week be-
fore. “I'm working on
my people skills."

"That's great, re-
ally great.” Chad
was one ofthose ear-
nest souls deaf to
sarcasm, like it was
a dog whistle beyond
his range. “Gonna
need my umps ready
for next week! Balls
and Dolls are play-
ing the Swashbucklers in the night game.
Have assigned you both to it. Last season the
two teams—well. They got into a fight. And the
cops came! Can't have that happening again."

I hadn't umped the Swashbucklers yet,
but Balls and Dolls were a team from Bush-
wick, a walking, talking testament to the new
Brooklyn privilege. The guys were scraggly
barista-poets, beta males who looked like they
subsisted on nothing but kale and chai lattes.
Andthegirls all seemed shaken out of an Urban
Outfitters catalog. Their captain was an editor
at Vice, an outlet I wanted to hate, except it'd
done better work on the Libyan civil war than
anyone. Howthatteam had brawled was beyond
me—most of them probably couldn't make a
proper fist. But damn if they weren't good at
kickball. Even the bitches knew when to tag
up, how to bunt.

Chad and Squatch wanted to talk about the
other team, though. The Swashbucklers.

"Theones with the pirate flag?" Squatch had
asloppy grin on his face, the kind boys got when
they thought they were being clever. ^The crazy
blonde pitcher, right?"

“You didn't,” Chad said, his own sloppy grin
sliding across his face. ^You did!"

“Tm gone,” I said. My cousin could poke holes
in all the hood rats he wanted, but that didn't
meanIhadto hear about it. “Hate to miss boys’
club shit, but I got a bottle of wine to pop."

They just snickered as I climbed the stairs.
Fucking Peter Pans, I thought. Must be nice.

Our apartment was dim and cool. Squatch
had left the kitchen ceiling fan on again. It
creaked with every rotation, like a tongue pop-
ping off the roof of a mouth. I grabbed a red

110

from the wine rack and a half-eaten roast beef
sandwich from the refrigerator. The fan kept
creaking. Need to get that looked at, Ithought.
Before it flies off and slices my jugular.

My room smelled of hamper. Three weeks”
worth, I figured, the floor a Pompeii of sports
bras and button-ups. I stepped through the
rubble and opened a window. Eating my half
sandwich on my bed, I streamed an episode of
Broad City. Squatch didn't like the show, said
it used too much gross-out humor. I'd told him
itwas because he was sexist. We'd had to listen
to generations of dick jokes, what was wrong
with hearing about how the other half lived?
He'd wanted no part of that discussion, for
some reason.

Unlike the floor, the walls of my room were
bare. Nail holes from my grandmother's time
could be found here and there, remnants that
looked like dark scars but felt like nostalgia.
When I couldn't sleep I'd try to remember
what went where, back when my bedroom
had been her sitting room. The crucifixes, all
four of them, had been easy enough to place.
But what about that photo of Frank Sinatra?
And the Virgin Mary? How about that other
photo of Frank Sinatra? And the other Vir-
gin Mary? What about the canvas of a Tus-
can marketplace that our aunt had taken? I'd
wanted the piece but hadn't fought her on it.
Seniority and all.

I had something of my own to put up on the
wall, if I ever got around to it: a color photo-
graph of Al Hillah. The ministry dominated
the foreground of it, a sandstone fortress en-
gulfed by dust. Behind it, the muddy Euphra-
tes ambled by, rows of date trees posting guard
on both banks. The sun was high, proud, all the
bright of noon cast down upon the quiet Iraqi
town. In a far corner of the photo, a keen eye
could make out black, vertical slashes—the
streets and alleys of the vegetable market. Be-
yond that, five miles or so to the north, were
Nebuchadnezzar's ruins—supposedly, at least.
Eight months of war and occupation, and we
never found the time to go see what remained
ofthe ancient Hanging Gardens.

The photo's likeness was buried somewhere in
the trunk in my closet, under a pile ofuniforms
and boots and certificates of commendation.
Td taken the original on my alive day with a dis-
posable Kodak, hours after we'd rolled over the
artillery shell and stumbled into an ambush.
Squatch had gotten the picture blown up and
framed last Christmas, a gesture I appreciated
but didn't need. The sight had been carboned to
my mind the instant I snapped it, as well as all

FICTION

the other things cameras can't seize. The feel
of sweat running down the nape of a neck. The
sting in the back of one's eyeballs from smoke
billows. The smell of canal stink. The rush
of having located the enemy, closed with the
enemy and destroyed the enemy. Of having laid
into the Golf from a Humvee turret and filled
the day with brass and cordite and sour, su-
preme death. Of becoming a true marine.

I knew then what I had trouble remember-
ing now. That I'd have given much more than
an eardrum for that moment, for that feeling,
perverse as it was. I'd proved myself worthy.
Not bad for afemale lance corporal banished to
a cultural support team with the Army, all be-
cause she'd head butted an E-4 stateside who'd
grabbed her ass. I'd gone to Al Hillah an exile,
to feel up haj women, patting down burkas and
abayas to make sure Grandma wasn't packing
heat or little Suzie Akbar wasn’t strapped down
with a suicide vest.

I'd left there a magician. I'd turned alive
men dead.

There was a quick knock at the door, then it
swung halfway open. It was the man himself,
his face carrying a pink shine from the day, as
well as the beginnings ofa sunglass tan. Moron,
I thought. I’d told him to put on sunscreen. If
anyone needed to be careful, it was him.

“Marti—got a minute?” Squatch asked. I nod-
ded, and he sat down on the foot of my bed. He
looked around my room, faux-admiringly. “In-
terior decorating. That’s what you should do.”

“What is it.”

“Where to begin.” He sighed, cleared his

throat, then sighed again. He pointed to his
face. “Remember this?”

“Yes.” We’d been 12, the summer between
sixth and seventh grade, and the family had
gone to the Poconos for a long weekend. To
embrace the outdoors or something. As city
folk, we’d neglected many of the essentials,
like bug spray and ice, but by night two, ev-
eryone seemed to have adapted, maybe even
relaxed. Then young Squatch, tasked with re-
fueling the outdoor generator that powered the
cabin, bumped the metal fuel spout against a
starter cable hanging across the tank. After a
long summer day under a big summer sun, the
positive-to-negative charge contact ignited the
fuel, then the fuel can, and then the boy hold-
ing the fuel can. It took two extinguishers to
put him out, and his face had resembled beef
stroganoff ever since.

“It’s not been easy. I used to be normal.
You know?”

“The point, Squatch.” He wasn’t one to talk
about this. I couldn’t recall if we ever had. It
made me nervous.

“Fine.” He sighed one more time, short and
sharp, like a dart of air. “Some people in the
league heard there’s an ump who’s a vet. Those
people assumed it was me. They asked about it.
I didn’t correct them.”

Now that we’d crossed some sort of mental
Rubicon, the words flowed. A group of kick-
ballers were regulars at Not Chad’s. Squatch
had stayed after his shift a few weeks back to
drink with them. They’d assumed he was the
vet they'd heard about. While he kept trying

111

to correct them, they wouldn't listen—thought
he was trying to be humble. Then the thank-
you-for-your-services started. Then the free
beers began coming. Then the blonde pitcher
from the Swashbucklers had sat on his lap, say-
ing she felt like doing something patriotic. He
never actually said he'd served, or been to Iraq,
or been shot at, but he knew that was seman-
tics and he was sorry, he was sorry about every-
thing, but could I maybe not blow up his spot if
it came up at the big kickball game next week?

“This is...”

I didn’t know what to say. I needed to be
angry, righteous. Pretending to be a combat
veteran wasn’t just an abuse of common de-
cency, it was actually illegal. Stolen valor and
shit. Every time I turned on the news, my gen-
eration of vets was being exploited by this poli-
tician, or that cause, or for whatever argument.
We were ciphers to most of America, other peo-
ple's sons and daughters, and other people's
sons and daughters didn't possess nuance or
agency. And my cousin, my own blood, a guy

who'd never been further from home than Day-
tona fucking Beach was freebasing all that for a
few high-fives and a drunken blow job?

I couldn't muster anything, though. Some
of the biggest posers I'd known were vets. The
pogue who never left Kuwait but needed to
pretend he'd crossed the brink. The staff of-
ficer whose lone patrol off base became more
dangerous with each of her retellings. Even
the grunts, it was rare for them to stick to the
truth, because the truth was never enough.
War stories meant bullshit, that's just how it
was. Deep down, I knew I'd exaggerated what
happened that day in Al Hillah to people, be
they surly uncles I wanted to impress or lip-
stick dykes I wanted to screw. I wasn't proud
of it. But still. It'd happened, and it'd probably
happen again.

Maybe we'd earned the right to bullshit,
while Squatch hadn't. That made sense. But
he'd never wallowed in what'd happened to
him. Maybe he'd earned a right to bullshit too.

“Fine,” I said. Surprise fell down his chewed-

112

FICTION

up face like rain. Something else was bothering
me more than his lie. “Long as you promise to get
that kitchen fan fixed. It’s driving me crazy.”

He agreed so readily I thought he was going
to hug me. I scooched back, then made him
watch a Broad City episode, the one about va-
ginas being nature’s pocket. Halfway through,
during an ad, he asked if I missed it.

“Sometimes,” I said. “And sometimes I don't.
Had my reasons for getting out."

"Sometimes I think I should've joined up,"
he said.

“Now you're pissing me off,” I said, because
he was.

The week came. The week went. I went to
mass. I went to the VA. I went to Mama's. It
remained Africa hot outside. On the subway I
listened to a realtor explain the difference be-
tween east Williamsburg and East Williams-
burg to a tech bro with a baby slung to his
chest. I ate at something called Muffin Town,
a new breakfast joint on Graham Avenue. It
wasn't bad. I searched the streets for the hip-
ster marine, but the only person I recognized
was tweed-hatted Mr. Pisano, rifling through
recycle bins and smelling of Vaseline and wine.

“Hello, Mr. Pisano," I said.

“Marduk,” he said, tipping his cap to me. I
figured it was progress, him almost getting
right my name.

“Marti,” I corrected. ^Mar-ti."

He shook his head and pointed to the side ofa
recycle bin. A small bull’s head had been spray-
painted there, electric blue.

“Marduk,” he repeated.

Sunday landed like a groan. I'd been half-
awake and hungover when Squatch knocked at
my door, saying we needed to be at the kickball
fields in an hour. One shower, two glasses of
water and three Advil got me upright and mov-
ing, even if I wasn't happy about it.

The day defied me, though. A valentine of
a sun shined above, pallid clouds and a light
breeze checking the heat. Some black kids
walking from Bed-Stuy to the pool were blast-
ing Biggie from a small boom box, snapping
each other with towels. A couple guidos in mus-
cle tees loitered in front of the corner deli, ad-
miring a large setter on a leash. The bells of St.
Francis clanged through the neighborhood,
newly redeemed souls spilling onto the con-
crete with a verve the priest had to know wasn't
because of any homily.

At the fringe of McCarren, callow stoners
filled the skate run, some with boards, most
not. Sweet tangy herb tickled at my nostrils.
I'd always wanted to like weed more than I did.

Four stark bull's heads marked the entrance to
the run along a concrete slab, all different col-
ors and sizes, like strange hieroglyphics of a
mystical temple. Across the street, a group of
lumbersexuals drank PBRs on a bar patio, all
wearing cut-off flannels. “Urban rustic woods-
man” was the look of the year; New York mag
had told me so. Iremembered the Rapture had
played that bar a couple years prior. It’d been
a good show. That’d been before the band sold
out, and before that bar had become a place fre-
quented by lumbersexuals.

As the world turns.

Cutting across the bottom of the park, I
stopped to watch a game of Mexican volley-
ball. While their families grilled and gos-
siped, the young men hustled and set, hustled
and set, over and over again, only pushing
the ball over the net when they had to. They
played the game so differently than the long
Californians on television: more quickness
than power, more care than craft. I found it
transfixing, like looking into a kaleidoscope.
When they breaked for cervezas, I continued
on my way.

The kickball fields lay in a north-side hollow
of the park, two perpendicular diamonds of
silt and sand. During the rest of the week, and
for most of the year, they were just fields—for
softball, for Frisbee, a place where teenagers
could grope and heroin junkies could drool.
But on summer Sundays, thanks to a permit
secured through the parks department, the
fields belonged to us. Like a kickball Stalin,
armed with a fat grin instead of a mustache,
Chad had a series of
five-year plans for the
league: first Brook-
lyn, then the other
boroughs, then the
entire Eastern sea-
board. It hardly mat-
tered to him that
those other places al-
ready had their own
recreational pursuits
meant to evoke the
wonder of childhood; those games and orga-
nizations would be conquered, then appropri-
ated, allin good time. Fate demanded it.

“We have something those places don’t,”
Chad liked to say from his Segwaythrone. “Re-
member that.” Then he’d roll away, not having
said what, sipping from his plastic chalice.

Both afternoon games passed without much
incident. There was a 50-50 call when a slid-
ing hipster's foot met home plate the same mo-

FICTION

ment the ball reached her skull. I called it safe,
mostly because her glasses flew off from the
impact. A man-rooster from the other team
protested, red-faced and hysterical, something
Ientertained for a few seconds before snorting
and crossing my arms.

“You done?” I asked. His eyes were all over
the SEMPER and FIDELIS tattoos I'd brought to
the conversation. They went from interest, to
confusion, to fear. The sound of his voice was
threatening to rouse my hangover, so I flexed
my forearms to make sure.

“Yeah,” he said. “Guess I am.”

The evening game arrived a few hours later.
As the teams got settled in their respective
dugouts, Chad and Squatch waved me over
to the first-base line. I took my time getting
there. I wanted them to know I thought they
were being dramatic.

“Be ready,” Chad said. “There’s already been
a lot of smack on the online message board.”

“Oh,” I said. “Not that.”

“I'm serious,” he said. “One of the Swash-
bucklers posted that he’d—well. That he’d
donkey-punch another player’s grandmother.
Not even his mom. The grandmom.”

Chad hada point. Mom jokes were one thing,
but grandma jokes were another. We briefed
our roles. Chad would be behind home plate,
calling fouls and strikes. I'd be in the shal-
low outfield, responsible for second base. And
Squatch would be behind the pitcher’s mound,
nominally responsible for calls at first and
third, but also strategically placed in the cen-
ter of the diamond.

“Same rules as Not Chad’s,” Chad said to
him. “First hint of trouble, bounce ’em. I can’t
have the league getting a reputation for allow-
ing ruckus.”

I wanted to make fun of Chad for using
the word ruckus, but the park lights turned
on that moment, illuminating the fields in
a murky glow. I took my position in the out-
field center, facing home plate. To my right,
the Swashbucklers had raised a black pirate

flag above their dugout, held fast to a long
radio antenna. Across from them, Balls and
Dolls were jumping rope to warm up, wearing
matching tie-dyed uniforms and a rainbow
array of Chuck Taylors.

It was then that I promised myself to go
back to college, for good this time, to get a
real-person job, to live a real-person life. I
wasn’t sure I could ever be more than a ma-
rine. But that didn’t mean I couldn’t be some-
thing other than one.

The game began normally enough. The
Swashbucklers scored two runs in the first in-
ning, which Balls and Dolls equaled in the sec-
ond. Nearly everyone seemed well behaved,
placid even. I couldn’t decide whether we were
dealing with overhype or just yuppie blow-
hards. From the outfield, it was tough to tell.

The exception proved the Swashbucklers’
blonde pitcher. I kind of liked her, despite the
holes Squatch had poked, despite the pit of
whiskey she’d fallen into. She was alpha and
suffered no fool. When her third baseman bob-
bled a bunt, his name became Swamp Donkey.
When a kicker kept letting pitches roll past in
the hope of a perfect ball, the blonde told her
she’d “cunt punt” her if the next pitch wasn’t
kicked. And when Chad called a ball fair that
she’d believed foul, she went in on his baldness
with acold, dark rage.

“Can you believe she teaches sixth grad-
ers?” I overheard some of her teammates.
“Pre-algebra.”

During the fourth inning, I looked up to find
the moon punching through a dirty sky. Some-

“FIRST HINT OF TROUBLE,
BOUNCE EM. THE LEAGUE
CAN’T ALLOW A RUCKUS.”

thing about it reminded me of Al Hillah—the
crescent silhouette, the flashlight authority,
the way it stirred gooseflesh on my arms even
though I'd put on a long sleeve to cover my tats,
per Squatch’s request. If I’d been the kind of
person who believed in signs, I'd have taken it as
one. But I wasn't, so I didn't. I just checked my
phone for text messages I knew weren't there.
The whiskey was beginning to affect the
blonde's command. Most of the Balls and

113

Dolls squad adjusted accordingly, but with
the bases juiced and two outs, the Vice editor
wasn’t having it. After the third straight ball,
he called out to the mound, “Roll it to the mid-
dle one, Lady Lush!”

The blonde was halfway to the plate when
her catcher, a man-rooster greasy enough to be
from Jersey, cracked the Vice editor from be-

AFTER A QUICK SWEEP
OF HIS KNEES, I HAD HIM
ON THE GROUND.

hind with a right cross to the ear.

I learned a few things about myself in the
melee that evening. For one, while it didn’t
quite compete with combat, astray elbow to the
jaw got the blood howling too. For two, while I
didn’t like barista-poets, or hipsters, or post-
hipsters, or privilege, I disliked assholes more.
That’s what the Swashbucklers were—nothing
buta tribe of assholes. And for three, while car-
nage had its perks, it required more stamina
than I'd recalled. If kickball ruckus was to be-
come a recurring part of life, I'd need to hit the
McCarren track more.

I also learned a few things about my cousin.
Perhaps Squatch should’ve joined up after
all. He was a goddamn hero that night in Wil-
liamsburg, tossing angry little people around
like they were made of plush. Even Chad wasn’t
spared; our chrome-domed, chalice-sipping
leader got mistaken for a kickball insurgent
and wheeled into the infield dirt. By the time
some semblance of order was restored, the
greasy catcher had a torn shirt and a busted
eye socket, the Vice editor was staggering offa
concussion, and Squatch had gotten hold of the
blonde pitcher, picking her up from the ground
like she was a fitting toddler.

“Chill, Amy,” Squatch said. She was kick-
ing and trying to pry out of the grip he had
around her waist. “It’s over, it’s all over. And
it’s all good.”

“Fuck that!” She wasn’t having any talk of
peace, let alone reconciliation. “And fuck you.
Lemme go, you fucking ogre fuck.”

Squatch laughed her off, which only incited
the whiskey fury. “You think that’s funny? At
least I have a real face.”

FICTION

Squatch tried to laugh that off too, less con-
vincingly this time. I heard some snickering
behind me. “Probably did something retarded
to get like that,” a voice said. It was hushed, but
not hushed enough. “Like tripped over a bomb.”

I didn’t see what team the guy was on. It
didn’t matter. After a quick sweep of his knees,
Ihad him on the ground and prostrate. I dug a

sneaker into the back of his head and yanked
up on his left arm, securing awristlock. I heard
some what-the-fucks and Fat Dyke Refs from
the group but knew I was good. The women
weren't man enough to come after me. Neither
were the guys.

“Apologize,” I said, gritting my teeth out into
a fake smile. “What you said wasn't nice."

The body beneath me objected, saying he
didn’t know what I was talking about. I raised
up on his wrist ever so slightly, yielding a
sharp whimper. A few more degrees and I'd
snap it clean.

“Let’s try again,” I said.

“Sorry!” the body said. “Just let me up.”

“Not good enough.” Something like wrath,
or clarity, or maybe even duty coursed within.
Ithought about Al Hillah, and the marines and
soldiers there. I thought about the Iraqis there,
and still there. Then I thought about Squatch,
stupid Squatch and his stupid face and his stu-
pid, stupid lie. All of that was this motherfuck-
er’s fault. He was everyone and no one all at
once, which is not someone to be while snared
in awristlock.

“Repeat after me,” I said.

“Okay,” the body said.

“Marti,” Squatch said. “Stop.”

“I am acoward,” I said.

"Iam a coward,” the body said.

“This isn't necessary,” Squatch said.

“I don't appreciate what you did for me,”
I said.

“I don't appreciate what you did for me,” the
body said.

“Please stop,” Squatch said.

“I am an infantile piece of shit,” I said. “I

play a child's game once a week to escape the
yuppie void of my life. When confronted by a
real person of experience, I mock, because I
know how meaningless Iam in comparison.
Things like ‘honor’ and ‘courage’ and ‘com-
mitment’ are just words to me, not values. Not
ways of being."

"I can't remember all that!" the body said.
“But yes, yes to it all, just
let me up!"

"Marti, Squatch said.
His hands were on my
shoulders now. “Let go."

We decided to call the
game, something even
the man-roosters didn't
protest. Squatch and I
stood off to the side while
Chad played negotiator
and placated. Hands were
shaken, backs were patted, half-assed apol-
ogies were half-assed. No one approached
us, though, not even the blonde. She didn't
look so drunk anymore, and wouldn't look
Squatch's way. Balls and Dolls collected their
jump ropes while a Swashbuckler lowered
the pirate flag slowly, like it wasn't an act of
acquiescence.

Though the police hadn't come this time,
Chad thought it best he file a report, just in
case. He thanked us, meaning it too, and
walked offto the local precinct. Squatch asked
ifTd join him for a beer at Not Chad's.

“we'll sit on the deck,” he said. “Our people.
Kickballers don’t go back there.”

I told him next time, not because I didn’t
want a drink or to talk things out, but because
I needed to find someone, or at least try to.

He exists, I thought. He always has.

I headed east, the direction he’d run the
week before. East, away from the waterfront,
away from the luxury condos and the vacant
sugar refinery and the kickball fields in the
hollow, away from fire-hydrant summers and
spray-painted bull’s heads and Muffin Town,
away from everything I'd once known and
then returned to.

The moon had fallen behind an armada of
gray clouds, leaving the Brooklyn streets fan-
tastically dark. Behind me, across the river,
the Freedom Tower burned bright. I didn’t turn
around to find its red eye, though. I was walk-
ing east, east then east again, not slow, not fast
either, thinking about what I’d do when I found
the hipster marine.

“Yut, yut,” I’d say.

“Kill,” he’d say. a

114

NICHOLAS GUREWITCH

PLAYMATE

\ ste onda

PHOTOGRAPHY BY DAVID BELLEMERE

“The Dutch are very direct,” says Miss August Valerie van der Graaf, who was born in Rot-
terdam, half an hour south of the Hague. “We prefer being honest. If we don't want to do some-
thing, we'll tell you." She pauses, thinking about whether her bluntness has ever gotten her into
trouble. “I’ve been told I was rude at least a few times by an ex-lover,” she adds with a chuckle.
“But I’m just being me.” Valerie, who now lives in London, loves talking about her hometown,
athriving modern city rebuilt after World War II whose government appointed a Muslim im-
migrant as mayor in 2008. "It's like a little New York and beautiful in a different way from Am-
sterdam,” she says. When not traveling the globe for work, Valerie spends her downtime rooting
for her local soccer clubs—Feyenoord in the Netherlands, Arsenal in England—and watching
Eurovision obsessively. “I love traveling and exploring foreign cities. It's the best part of modeling,
but Pm also pretty—how do you say it?—Euro trash,” she says, laughing. “I love being European.”

116

Pe alt Vd ads

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9107 LSNYNV SSIN

VALERIE
VAN DER GRAAF

AGE: 24 BIRTHPLACE: Rotterdam, Netherlands CURRENT CITY: London, U.K.

THE VERY SMALL DOWNSIDE OF
BEING DUTCH

I've been taking acting classes
for the past year and a half. |
appreciate both drama and com-
edy, as long as it’s well written.
But with my accent, a future in
acting is not very realistic. It’s
going to take me a long time to
get rid of it.

MY TYPICAL WEEKEND

My hometown is only an hour-
long flight from London, so | can
easily go visit friends and fam-
ily on weekends. But | recently
moved into a new flat in north-
west London with a good friend,
so I'm looking forward to hav-
ing girlie time with her, watching
movies and drinking malbec.

MY ATHLETIC SIDE

Pm not the best at sports, but |
do love watching soccer. In 2012
I got tickets to the Olympic gold-
medal women’s hockey match
between Argentina and the Neth-
erlands. | went with three other
Dutch women, all wearing orange,
and the Netherlands won! We cel-
ebrated all night.

WHAT IS EUROVISION ANYWAY?

For the unfamiliar, Eurovision
is one of the biggest music and
song competitions in Europe,
featuring competitors from every
country. The contest promotes
togetherness across the con-
tinent, and millions of viewers
tune in to watch. The catch? You
can't vote for your own countr

f @ValerievdGraaf W @ValerievdGraaf

but since | live in London | can get
around that rule.

LONDON CALLING

If you're visiting London for the
first time, go on the London Eye
on a clear day. Then walk along
the South Bank, which is lovely
even in winter because of the
stands selling mulled wine along
the way. And of course you must
go to a proper London pub.

BUT FIRST, WINE

The best thing about traveling in
France, Italy or Spain is that you
can go into any café and get an
amazing glass of wine for four
euros—practically nothing. Wine
is cheaper there than Diet Coke,
so why not drink it?

The Gospel

According to

PAU

In which we praise Ghostbusters director Paul Feig for challenging the
way Hollywood handles freaks, geeks and funny women

When Paul Feig, the enormously successful di-
rector ofthe comedies Bridesmaids, The Heat
and Spy, arrives on the set of the female-led
Ghostbusters reboot he’s making in a cavern-
ous football-field-size former Reebok ware-
house off a lonely road in suburban Boston,
it’s hard to know what to make of him. Among
the crewin their sneakers and T-shirts, Feig—
who's six feet tall but so erect he looks taller
and who speaks in a rich baritone that slices
through the din—stands out in an impeccably
fitted burgundy three-piece Savile Row suit
from Anderson & Sheppard, with a match-
ing polka-dot tie and a gold-headed walking
stick. He's so well gotten-up,
in the sort of outfit nobody
outside Downton Abbey wears
anymore, right down to the boutonniere in his
lapel, that you might mistake him for a par-
ody of the well-dressed man. Or you might fig-
ure that anyone who dresses so meticulously
and anachronistically, so 19th century for-
mal (who carries a walking stick these days?),
must be some sort of geek.

And on this last point you’d be right.

Feig (pronounced FEEG) is not only a geek,
he’s a proud, self-professed geek. He earned
this reputation with the much-loved and crit-
ically revered 1999 high school TV series

sy NEAL GABLER

PHOTOGRAPHY BY

DAN MONICK

Freaks and Geeks, which he created and which
introduced audiences to James Franco, Seth
Rogen and Jason Segel. Now, at 53, Feig is a
master of the Hollywood universe. Although
he's arguably the best comedy director around,
he doesn't look like a Hollywood heavyweight,
doesn't act like one and, he’ll be quick to tell
you, doesn't feel like one. The Beau Brummell
clothes aren't the only things that make him
different, though he admits they're another
way he's out of sync with Hollywood: He used
to wear jeans and T-shirts to meetings with the
so-called suits, then decided he'd meet them
on their own sartorial turf by wearing suits
too. It was the very moment
the suits did a 180 and decided
to dress down. “And it imme-
diately became this thing,” he says, “where
they're like, ‘Here’sthis rube who's got his Sun-
day suit on.’”

But the other reasons Feig seems so un-
Hollywood-like are his casual manner, his boy-
ish diffidence, his accessibility and candor and
niceness—all of which are remarkable in an in-
dustry notorious for its arrogance, machismo
and secretiveness. To put it bluntly, for all his
success, Feig is still a geek—the guy the popu-
lar kids bullied in school. But he's a geek who
discovered something on which he has predi-

cated his entire career. Feig discovered that
feeling like an outsider is universal and that
there are a lot more outsiders (more of him)
than there are cool kids.

That's Paul Feig's secret: He'san outsider who
makes movies about outsiders for outsiders.
Start with Freaks and Geeks. Feig says that
when he began writing scripts in Los Ange-
les, he got it in his head that “if you're writ-
ing about stuff that has happened to you
or happened to people you know, you're not
really writing. A real writer invents every-
thing from scratch." Unfortunately, he found
that the ideas that came from his imagina-
tion didn't seem to work. He also found that
when he was out with friends, regaling them
with stories of his excruciating childhood in
Mount Clemens, Michigan, outside Detroit—
“the most humiliating stories"—he would
“just destroy everybody." And, he says of the
stories, “I had a million of them, because they
all happened." There was the story ofthe time
his middle-school classmates *dog-piled" him
in the locker room because he was too modest
to take a shower in front of them, or the time
they pummeled him during a sadistic game of
dodgeball. Or the one about finding a Nazi flag
his father had brought back from World War II

131

and innocently hanging it in the window of his
house. Or the one about dressing up like a girl
for Halloween. Or the one about taking a job
announcing the high school football game and
mangling the players’ long Polish names. And
there were the ones about his cowardice, his
germophobia, his mild case of undiagnosed
Tourette’s, which he expended enormous en-
ergy trying to mask, and his detestation of ath-
letics: “I enjoy playing sports about as much
as I enjoy slamming my fingers in a car door.”
And then of course there were the ongoing hu-
miliations, being called everything from “Fig
Newton” to “Paul Fag,” which became his un-
shakable tag throughout school.

It helps to understand that it’s highly un-
likely anything good would have happened
to Paul Feig if he hadn’t lived through ad-
olescent torture. Sitting in that Reebok
warehouse amid the sweet odor of saw-
dust, surrounded by 10 massive sets includ-
ing a full-scale hotel lobby and a New York
subway station com-
plete with gum on
the floor, he admits
he takes a differ-
ent approach from
many other direc-
tors—the martinets
who demand the
upper hand. “I have
a very hard time
yelling at people or
having any kind of
ugly moment with
anybody,” he says, “because those moments
in my life were so terrible that the thought of
browbeating anybody or being mean to any-
body..." The rest goes unspoken. This is, after
all, a man who once moved across the coun-
try, from Detroit to Los Angeles, in large part
because he didn't have the heart to tell a girl-
friend he wanted to break up with her.

The Feig directorial style is loose and happy
and nonconfrontational, and he says he wants
his pictures to feel like a party. On the Ghost-
busters set, Feig shoots a scene a few times the
way he and his co-writer, Katie Dippold, orig-
inally scripted it. Then he lets the actors play
with the lines while he and the crew stifle their
laughs. “Oh, that’s just an invitation for the
annual flapjack breakfast,” Kristen Wiig says
nonchalantly when Melissa McCarthy sheep-
ishly proffers her an envelope from Colum-
bia University she’s been hiding because she’s
afraid it contains an offer for Wiig to go back to
work there. “But you like flapjacks,” McCarthy
says quietly. When Wiig rips up the envelope
and tosses it away, she pauses nervously: “That

was probably my last paycheck.” Or there’s a
scene when another ghostbuster, played by
Kate McKinnon of Saturday Night Live, is
toying with a complicated contraption and
proudly announces, “I call it the nutcracker.”
To which Wiig says, “Because it will crack the
ghosts?” “No, because I use it to crack nuts!”
They may do as many as 15 takes. As Feig puts
it, “I try to shoot as much as I can so things can
just happen in the moment.” He realizes that’s
the reason he and most other comedy directors
aren't likely to get much credit. “Comedy has to
look effortless,” he says. “But in looking effort-
less, it looks like it was easy.”

It’s hard to ascribe the word easy to Feig, be-
cause so little has come easily to him. He was
an only child of two parents who met at a Chris-
tian Science church social just over the Michi-
gan border in Canada and got married late in
life. His dad, a frustrated performer with a file
of jokes he’d heard, ran an army surplus store.
His mom, a housewife, was a frustrated per-

former too, but she channeled her ambitions
into her son. Feig’s epiphany came in second
or third grade during a school assembly when
the class sang the calypso number “Yellow
Bird” and, with a conga drum strapped across
his chest and a straw hat on his head, he began
to exaggeratedly pretend to play and, hearing
“huge laughs,” kept milking them. A classmate
told him later that their teacher, Miss Hill, on
whom young Feig had a huge crush, was “laugh-
ing so hard she was crying.” He recalls, “That
was when I said, ‘I want to do this.’ "

His mother became his accomplice. With
her encouragement, Feig took dance lessons,
guitar lessons, drum lessons, even ballet les-
sons. At 15, after seeing stand-up comedians
on a show called Make Me Laugh, he came up
with his own act comprising terrible jokes
ripped off from Johnny Carson. He had his par-
ents drive him to a comedy club cum biker bar
called Delta Lady in a rough section of Detroit,
where he performed and got “hooked just being
in front of a crowd.” In his room at night he
would put on a white suit, pick up a RadioShack

microphone, play Steve Martin’s album Let’s
Get Small and pantomime the entire thing. He
may have had no control over the abuse heaped
on him in real life, but performing was a “way
to control people’s perception” of him.

After high school, Feig attended Wayne State
University in Detroit and took a screenwriting
class. His teacher said she thought he was good
enough to write comedy for a living, which is
all the encouragement he needed. He applied
and was accepted to the University of Southern
California’s film school and, with a deep sense
of homesickness, headed out to Los Angeles to
become another Woody Allen.

The trouble was there weren’t many would-
be Woody Allens at USC. “It was all about art
films,” he says. “I would come in with these
goofy comedies, and they wouldn’t even know
what to do.” He made an animation about Pac-
Man eating too many dots and throwing up,
and his senior project was a film about a man
whose girlfriend goes off to sea and leaves him

FREAKS AND GEEKS WAS A REF-
UTATION OF THE “COOL GUY”
TEENAGE SHOWS AND MOVIES.
THE SCRIPT POURED OUT OF HIM.

with a gift that, she says, he must take with
him everywhere he goes to prove he loves her:
a giant stuffed albatross. A perplexed profes-
sor asked him if he had suffered some trauma
that made him afraid of drama. “No, I just like
funny,” he said.

Among his fellow students he was an outsider
anda “kind of Midwestern yokel.” He gravitated
toward oddballs, and his friends were, he says,
“all shades of nerd.” Although he had many girl
friends, he didn’t have many girlfriends and
didn’t lose his virginity until he was 24.

After graduation he gota job reading scripts
for producer Michael Phillips, discovered
he could write as well as the folks who made
a living at it and began to work his way back
into performing stand-up. But he felt com-
edy required a full-time commitment that he
didn't have the resources to support. And then
he found those resources in the nerdiest way
possible: He won $29,000 on the Dick Clark-
hosted quiz show The $25,000 Pyramid. With
this grubstake, Feig began performing seven
nights a week, doing a set that consisted less

132

To one nasty critic of his female-led Ghostbusters reboot, Feigtweeted, “You've been ranting at me
and my cast for months with misogyny and insults. So go fuck yourself. Good night.”

of jokes than of characters, including a hu-
morless wood-shop teacher named Willard
Schmidt who decides to do comedy. After six
months, Feig earned a spot on the TV show
Paramount Comedy Theater, hosted by Howie
Mandel, got an agent and a few small parts in
such movies as Ski Patrol and Zombie High,
and for the next several years worked as a
comic on the West Coast circuit. He eventu-
ally left stand-up for acting full-time, land-
ing small parts on a variety of shows, from The
Louie Show starring Louie Anderson to The
Jackie Thomas Show starring Tom Arnold to
Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, playing Sabrina's
odd science teacher. “They were big shows,”
Feig says, “but they all bombed”—all except
Sabrina. He took $30,000 of his earnings from
that show to underwrite Life Sold Separately,
a small indie he wrote and directed, finishing
the film just as he was written out of Sabrina
after the season one finale.

“That led to the worst year of my life,” Feig
says. “I was fucked.” He couldn’t get the film
into festivals. He had run out of money. His
agent had let him go. And after a good 15 years
of stand-up and acting, he saw nothing on the
horizon. He was so desperate he contemplated
leaving show business and going to work in a

bookstore. And then he got Freaks and Geeks.
And then it was canceled.

Feig was 37, ancient for Hollywood, by the time
he realized the appeal of his teenage embar-
rassments. Feig was on a college tour for his
film when, partly inspired by Felicity, a show
his friend J.J. Abrams had co-created, he sat
down in his hotel room and began to dash out
the pilot for Freaks and Geeks. For him, the
script was a refutation of what he calls the
“cool guy” teenage shows and movies. “I don’t
like bullies,” he says, “and I don’t like the con-
fident guy who comes in kind of swinging his
dick.” The guys he knew in high school never
had any confidence. The script poured out of
him. The timing couldn’t have been more pro-
pitious. His friend Judd Apatow had just signed
a deal with DreamWorks to develop television
projects. Feig sent him the script; Apatow loved
it and said he wanted to make it. And as Feig
puts it, “Everything changed there.”

Freaks and Geeks was Feig’s life story—the
story of a small band of geek-nerds who love
science fiction, film their own clay anima-
tions, make friends with girls, creep cautiously
through the minefield of adolescent angst and,
as a result of all these things, are the targets

155

of teenage savagery. “We would sit around the
writers’ room and everybody would be telling
a terrible story,” Feig recalls of working on
Freaks and Geeks, “and then I would tell the
most horrendous story ever.” It was actually a
great time, transforming humiliation into en-
tertainment, and Feig got to write and direct.
Then NBC scheduled the show during the Sat-
urday night TV graveyard, then rescheduled
it on Monday—against the ratings juggernaut
Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. Critical praise
notwithstanding, the show tanked. It lasted
18 episodes, only 12 of which aired. Feig’s own
postmortem: “It was just the wrong time for us
to be on.” Still, with its cult status Feig could
have expected to have finally arrived.

“Right after it, everyone wanted to work with
me,” Feig recalls. “It was always, ‘We want your
voice.’ But then I’d develop these things, and it
was like, ‘Oh, well, we want your voice, but not
doing that!’” He was sent scads of scripts about
cool teenage guys with nerdy best-friend side-
kicks, but he demurred, knowing firsthand
that cool guys never had nerdy best friends.
Meanwhile, Apatow had landed the new series
Undeclared, and suddenly he was acknowl-
edged as the creator of Freaks and Geeks. “I just
kind of erased myself” is how Feig describes

“| don't like bullies, and I don't like the confident guy who comes in kind of swinging his dick,”
Feig says of the inspiration for Freaks and Geeks.

that period in the early 2000s. “I really went
into a bad place.”

To make matters worse, Feig’s beloved
mother had died just weeks before Freaks and
Geeks was canceled. When a producer sent
him a novel about a boy in an Eastern Euro-
pean Communist relocation camp who goes
looking for his mother, hoping Feig would
direct it, he took it. The movie, 1 Am David,
bombed, putting Feig in what he calls “movie
jail.” He went back to TV, directing episodes
of Arrested Development, The Office and half
a dozen other shows, which in turn led to an-
other movie—a comedy based on a story from
the radio show This American Life about chil-
dren of divorced couples caught in limbo dur-
ing the holidays. The trouble was that the studio
head, who was divorced, thought the script den-
igrated divorced parents, so he demanded a re-
write that gutted the divorce element, which
was the whole movie. If I Am David put Feig
in movie jail, Unaccompanied Minors tossed
him into solitary.

Feig is sitting in a small, dimly lit gray room
in a storefront off a quiet Burbank street
where he has been spending 11-hour days in
front of three computer screens. There are
hundreds of jokes in the new Ghostbusters,
and Feig and his longtime editor Brent White

will keep changing them in and out, finally
testingthem at eight or nine screenings to see
which ones the audiences like best. His mov-
ies can be hysterically funny, but Feig would
be the first to tell you that a movie can be too
funny for its own good and that a joke isn't
just about getting a laugh; it's about touching
the audience's own experience. The source of
his comedy, he says, is sadness— “people try-
ing to find out who they are and trying to do
the right thing." He believes he has been suc-
cessful because all his films connect to his
own mortification. When audiences laugh at
a Feig movie, he believes they're laughing at
embarrassments he has suffered and, more
important, that they might have suffered
themselves. His is the comedy of humiliation,
abuse, sadness and, finally, redemption. It's
the revenge of the outsider.

Fittingly, it was sadness that finally earned
him his release from movie jail and catapulted
him into the top directing ranks. It was 2007.
He was 45 and directing a lot of TV, even an ep-
isode of Mad Men, but he still yearned to make
movies. He had just directed a group of inter-
net ads for Macy's starring Donald Trump,
Tommy Hilfiger and Martha Stewart in New
York when he suffered what he called a mini-
breakdown—a sense that he was just “running
down the clock" on his career and had to come

154

to terms with the fact that he would never
realize his dreams. That very night he got a
call from his agent telling him that a script
he’d worked on with Kristen Wiig of SNL and
her writing partner Annie Mumolo that had
been left for dead was suddenly alive again.
It was a dramedy about a maid of honor who
humiliates herself in the run-up to her best
friend’s wedding in ajealous competition with
aricher, more chi-chi bridesmaid she thinks is
usurping her. Feig could identify.

Apatow had commissioned Wiig and Mumo-
lo’s script and asked Feig to tweak and direct
it. Although Feig felt that having his old friend
revive his film career was like “crawling back
to Dad,” he also realized it was his last chance
to direct again—his strike three, as he calls it.
He hoped it would succeed, but he had no ex-
pectation it would be a breakthrough. “It was
a wedding movie,” he says with mock derision.
But it wasn’t like any other wedding movie, and
the scene ina haute wedding-dress shop, where
the bridesmaids suddenly find themselves suf-
fering a serious bout of food poisoning, became
an instant classic. “Something terrible is hap-
pening,” he says, “and everybody is trying to
pretend it’s not. That’s what’s funny to us.” It
is Feig in a nutshell.

The other funny thing about Bridesmaids
is Melissa McCarthy. Feig hadn’t known
McCarthy when her friend Wiig suggested
she come in to read for the part of Megan, the
groom’s dotty sister. Though nothing in the
writing indicated it, McCarthy played the
role as though Megan were butch. Feig re-
calls, “I was going like, What is she doing?
Is she playing like a guy?” And then she sud-
denly pirouetted and became oversexed.
When he showed the audition tape to Apatow,
the producer said, “This is one of the funniest
people we’ve ever seen.” McCarthy is the per-
fect Feig actress because, like Feig himself,
she knows how to play humiliation and how
to wring laughs out of her ability to withstand
and even be impervious to it.

After Bridesmaids, which grossed nearly
$300 million, Feig was determined not to
make another career mistake. He signed on to
do the third Bridget Jones movie, discovered
he didn’t have the heart for it and then wrote
a romantic comedy for McCarthy and Jon
Hamm. When the two stars began to waffle,
Feig was certain he’d blown another opportu-
nity. Weeks later, he got an untitled script for
a female-cop buddy picture that Sandra Bull-
ock was interested in. He read it and imme-
diately thought of McCarthy. They shot the
film quickly, and The Heat, which doubles
down on geekdom with two outcasts—one an

officious neat freak, the other an incorrigi-
ble slob—became Feig’s second giant success.

He didn’t write his next film, Spy, for

McCarthy, but she was having dinner at his
Burbank home one night, asked if she could
see what he was working on and called him the
next morning to say she wanted to do it. He
says he rewrote the role of the shy CIA secre-
tary who’s enlisted for fieldwork to reflectthe
kind and decent woman he knew McCarthy to
be, but one who doubts herself and is underes-
timated, which also describes Feig. (He says
the film relationship between McCarthy and
superspy Jude Law draws on his relationship
with Apatow.) Spy became Feig's third criti-
cal and financial success, and it made him
and McCarthy the funniest comedy team in
the business.
It was no accident that with Spy Feig had
made three movies with female protagonists.
“I’m not interested anymore in the problems
of men,” he says. “I’ve seen them portrayed
ad nauseam over my whole life.” Feig loves
women—notinthe sense that he’s alothario (he
says that he has slept with only three women
in his life, including his wife), butin the sense
that he loves who
women are and how
they act. “Pd go and
hang out with the
guys outside of my
geeky friends,” he
says of his child-
hood, “and I was
like, Ah, I don't like
what's happening
here; it's too ag-
gressive. They were punching each other and
punching me.” With girls it was different.
He was more comfortable being with them.
“I guess I'm just a feminine kind of guy,” he
admits. Even when he met his wife, Laurie,
through a mutual friend, part of the attrac-
tion was that she was a Jerry Lewis fanatic and
thought Feig had a Jerry Lewis vibe. They’ve
been together for 25 years, the first four of
which she served as his manager, and married
for 21. They have no children, in part because,
Feig confesses, “I was terrified I would have a
boy” and wouldn't know what to do with him.
“If I had a girl, she would be golden."

The irony isn’t lost on Feig that the leading di-
rector of women happens to be a man. Women
relate to geeky Feig—his production partner,
Jessie Henderson, is a woman—and they ap-
preciate his sensitivity in an industry where
men can be dismissive or even hostile toward
women. Citing comments that women’s comic

sensibility is different from men’s, Wiig, who
has been in three of his movies, says, “Women
like to work with him because he really doesn’t
see them as any different. He's always just been
like, ‘Okay, funny is funny.’ "

More, Feig resents the way women are
treated in Hollywood, and just as Freaks and
Geeks was his antidote to the macho way men
are portrayed on screen, his films are an an-
tidote to the way women are typically por-
trayed. “A powerful woman is an ice queen”
is how he describes the ways most screenwrit-
ers depict women. “The wife is overbearing
and keeps the hero from saving the world be-
cause he has to spend time with his family.
The girl is a bitch because she won’t let you
hang out with your friends.” Above all, as an
outsider himself, he understands that women
are gender outsiders in a man's world. In fact,
he thinks women are portrayed negatively
either because most men in Hollywood are
adult adolescents making films for adoles-
cents who don’t take women seriously, or be-
cause they were once wronged by women and
movies are their revenge. Feig is the women’s
revenge. The logo of his company, Feigco, is
a well-dressed woman (naturally) hiding a

large and ominous pair of garden shears be-
hind her back.
So now Feig is in his office at the Burbank edit-
ing room, on a conference call with the producer
of Ghostbusters and the marketing arm of Sony
Pictures, the film’s studio, debating a new teaser
trailer that Feig isn’t happy with. They want to
end it with a scare. He wants it to end with the
ghostbusters standing bold and defiant. On the
walls are a black-and-white photo of McCarthy
with her hands clamped over Wiig’s breasts, a
huge metal S&H Green Stamps sign, a Peanuts
cartoon (Feig, ahuman Charlie Brown, produced
the recent Peanuts movie) and a vintage World
War II sign featuring a woman in uniform, with
the inscription WHEN SOMEONE ASKS OF A FEMALE
SOLDIER, ARE YOU A GODDESS, YOU SAY YES!
Ghostbusters is by far Feig’s biggest movie,
but when Ivan Reitman, who’d produced and
directed the first two Ghostbusters films,

asked Feig if he might be interested in doing
the third, he was loath to make it. Although
ecstatic that he’d reached such a point in his
career that he would be asked, he also saw the
pitfalls of taking on a classic. He declined,
then declined again when Amy Pascal, Sony’s
co-chair at the time, tried to change his mind.
And he wasn’t the only one who had doubts. No
one seemed to want to risk the sacrilege of mak-
ing another Ghostbusters.

Still, the prospect haunted him. He was
out on his daily morning power walk when
he got to thinking about how one could do a
new Ghostbusters without violating the orig-
inal. Let’s just think of the dumbest possible
solution, he told himself. And what popped
into his head was not making a third install-
ment but doing a reboot showing what would
happen if ghosts suddenly started to appear
again and doing it with a female-driven cast.
Sony loved it.

Not everyone was enamored of the prospect
of casting women as ghostbusters, even women
as hilarious as McCarthy, Wiig, McKinnon and
another SNL regular, Leslie Jones. Feig was
excoriated in social media for daring it—the
geek once again being bullied. “We would joke

“PM NOT INTERESTED IN THE
PROBLEMS OF MEN. I'VE SEEN
THEM PORTRAYED AD NAUSEAM."

about it,” Wiig says. “‘Oh, people think we're
just breaking nails and running from ghosts,
screaming. ” Feig and his cast were offended by
the misogyny, and they fired back. To one espe-
cially nasty critic, Feig tweeted, “You’ve been
ranting at me and my cast for months with mi-
sogyny and insults. So go fuck yourself. Good
night,” and McCarthy organized a huge group
photo of all the women on the set with the sign
GIRL POWER in front.

It’s good to be king of the underdogs, but even
after making Ghostbusters Feig doesn’t feel un-
assailable. An eternal pessimist, he conducted a
personal study of how people he admires, mostly
comedy directors, have gone off the rails and
ruined their careers. But watching his comedy
epic on the monitor in his editing room, wearing
his three-piece suit, his walking stick at his side,
and idly tossing a Hacky Sack in the air, he has a
wide smile on his face that no one can wipe off.
For the time being at least, geeks rule. E

155

Americans are free to visit Cuba for the firsttime in decades. Although politics stipulate that such trips be predicated on cultural education, Cuba’s rich
traditions, from rum to baseball, ensure that any lesson the island imparts will be decidedly recreational. To celebrate the end of the travel ban, PLAYBOY
commissioned photographer Jean Pierrot to shoot model Lise Olsen on the vibrant streets of Havana and in the historic Flamboyanes House, designed
by renowned Cuban architect Emilio Castro. “Havana is surrealistic—the last defiant stand against the forces of globalism,” Pierrot reports. “The first
glance is overwhelming, but an hour after the shock, one may already be sipping mojitos. The Cuban life can be easygoing and unbothered.”

ARTIST IN RESIDENCE

MOLLY GRABAPPLE

I first met Molly Crabapple, the sexy goth girl next door—she’d be as
comfortable in the PLAYBOY of yore as she is in this feature—at an alt-
comix festival in lower Manhattan about eight years ago. At the time,
she was drawing an erotic fin-de-siecle-styled comic book about a Jew-
ish fire-eating burlesque queen named Scarlett O’Herring. Molly, who
had actually worked as a fire-eating burlesque queen herself while a
struggling art student, soon figured out that comix was a sucker's game:
One usually gets paid far less for making lots ofillustrations on a page
than for drawing just one. “Comix required a work ethic I didn't have,”
she tells me. Y Living across from Zuccotti Park when it was ground
zero for the Occupy movement radicalized her—though if the personal is
political, she always had a heightened political awareness—and Molly
reinvented herself (she's done a lot of that) as an artist-reporter engagé.
She’s an accomplished writer (her jazzy memoir, Drawing Blood, proves
that), but her journalistic drawings return art to its Goya-like function
of announcing, “I saw this.” The age of Photoshop and Instagram has
outed the camera as a slicker liar than any presidential candidate, but
a drawing is personal, so you can decide to
trust it. (As Molly puts it, “You take a photo,
but you make a picture.”) Even documenting
recent trips to Guantanamo, Turkey, Dubai,
Syria and Gaza, her sensuous devouring eye
leads to pictures that are simultaneously
earnest and smart-assed, serious and play-

ful. Her art proclaims, to paraphrase what

her hero Emma Goldman insisted a cen-

Above: Portrait of the artist. Opposite « 2 2

page: Toppled statue of Hafez al-Assad tury ago, TfIcan 4 dance, 2 don twant your
in Ragga. Pen, ink and dye on Arches 57 2: :

paper, 12 x 16 inches, 2016. revolution! —Arí Spiegelman

144

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Opposite page: Illustration for “In the Court of Purity” (from Index on Censorship). Pen, ink and dye on Arches paper, 16 x 12 inches, 2015. Top: Israeli soldiers confiscate my friend's ID
in Hebron, Occupied West Bank. Pen, ink and dye on Arches paper, 12 x 16 inches, 2016. Bottom left: Son of a militia sniper in Tripoli, Lebanon. Pen, ink and dye on Arches paper, 16 x 12
inches, 2016. Bottom right: Israeli soldiers guard settlers in the old city of Hebron, Occupied West Bank. Pen, ink and dye on Arches paper, 12 x 16 inches, 2015.

147

PLAYBACK

VIETNAM, 1966

Playmate of the Year 1965 Jo Collins signs her Centerfold while visiting troops in Bien Hoa.

148

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and-only opportunity to claim a rare 1878 Morgan Silver Dollar at
this special price. So please don't delay, order now!

De CUT ALONG DOTTED LINE

very

NECESSARY : olive branch, symbolizing strength
IF MAILED '
IN THE

UNITED STATES

Exe il ! REVERSE:
— NOPOSTAGE | | An eagle holds both arrows and an

١ as well as the desire for peace

|
|

EA Da E er

POSTAGE WILL BE PAID BY ADDRESSEE ' The Bradford Exchange Mint

¦ is not associated with the U.S.

Government or U.S. Mint.

THE BRADFORD EXCHANGE MINT
9307 N MILWAUKEE AVE
NILES IL 60714-9995

GRAB
SUMMER

THE
BLUEBERRIES.

ARA A AD NANA DAR HH Hn

#Drink What You Want

THE

STOLI
BLUEBERI
LEMONADE

Stoli® Blueberi" 2 parts
Lemonade 3 parts
Fresh Lemon garnish
Blueberries garnish

SAVOR STOLI” RESPONSIBLY. Stolichnaya" Blueberry Flavored Premium Vodka. 37.5% Alc/Vol. (75 proof).
Stoli Group USA, LLC, New York, NY ©2016. All rights reserved. ™ and " - trademarks and registered
trademarks of ZHS IP Americas Sàrl or Spirits International B.V.

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