>> stephen: tonight, big changes in the republican field. it's a ten-way tie for "not romney." (laughter) then, a music legend gets into trouble. turns out billy joel did start the fire! (laughter) and my guest is award-winning actor john lithgow. our emmys are going to have a play date. (laughter) nbc has canceled "the playboy club." apparently just watched it for the articles. this is "the colbert report". the (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you very much, welcome to the "report," thank you for joining us.

(crowd chanting "stephen") thank you very much. oh, ladies and gentlemen, that is music to my ear. nation, yoon about you, but i could not be more excited about all the options in the g.o.p. presidential field. (laughter) these candidates are like the perfect appetizer sampler platter. you've got pizza bites, crazy bread, boiled potato, texas toast, foie gras, imitation foie gras, uninspected squirrel jerky all with the santorum dipping sauce. (cheers and applause) speaking of being completely satisfied with the republican slate of candidates, chris christie 2012! (cheers and applause) folks, everybody's talking about this guy getting in the race!

>> i'd love it. we'd all love it if chris christie got in the race. >> chris christie is exciting. >> he's exciting. >> republicans are looking for a dose of charisma, a jolt of energy. chris christie has beth those in spades. >> stephen: spades, by the way, is not the name of christie's hunting camp. (laughter) and, folks, christie made a big announcement this afternoon. i haven't watched it yet because i don't want to know. (laughter) i'm going to pretend he announced he's the new iphone. (laughter) because, folks, i have loved this beautiful, delicate dance between christie and the media. the media starts it by speculating that he's running and then christie teases us by being coy like this. >> i am not going to run for president in 2012. i'm 100% certain i'm not going to run. i'm not going to be the republican candidate for president or vice president in 2012. what do i have to do short of suicide to convince people i'm not running?

apparently i actually is to commit suicide. >> stephen: did you see how he left the door open there? (laughter) last time i checked, he's not dead! and so the christie fever gets hotter and hotter no matter how many times the governor said he wasn't running-- while making national policy speeches in key primary states. which is kind of like saying you're not on drugs while liking wall paper to taste its happiness. (laughter) now, last week the media reached that elusive moment of speculation where christie was both in and out-- in the same sentence. >> christie's brother told the new jersey newspaper he is sure the governor is not running but a close advisor to christie tells cnn the storm of speculation is incredible but this is a decision that "will come from chris christie on his terms." as you know, wolf, that is not a yes but it's also not a know. >> stephen: it's a yes and a no! (laughter) uncertainty about christie has

reached the theoretical quantum state first postulated by heisenberg in 1927. christie has become sloweding ger's candidate. like the theoretical cat in a box that is simultaneously alive and dead until the box is open. slowedinger. as long as, folks, we don't know whether or not he's running, christie is a lock to win the republican nomination. i just hope, i just pray this afternoon he did not open that box! >> i said no. the answer is no. for me the answer was never anything but no. >> stephen: so we've got a dead cat. (laughter and applause)

then again, a dead cat might still be more appealing than mitt romney. after all, a dead cat did not create the model for obamacare. joining me now to tell me if we should ask a dead cat to run for president is the campaign manager of the john mccain '08 campaign, rick davis. rick, thanks so much for joining me. thanks for stopping. okay. (apause) all right, you heard him. christie said definitively this afternoon he is not going to run. for sure. is he going to run. (laughter) >> not gun that run. >> stephen: okay, he's said that before. >> consistently. >> stephen: right. >> he's not going to run. >> stephen: that's what the voters want, someone who's consistent. (laughter) >> exactly. >> stephen: doesn't that just make him more appealing? he's just playing hard to 'nam nate. (laughter) >> he may be more appealing but he's still not going to be a candidate for president. >> stephen: okay with christie out of the way, do republicans

just fall in line now behind romney because they say democrats fall in love, republicans fall in line. do we just lay back, close our eyes and go "it's for the good of the party, put your ballot in my box." (laughter) >> there's a little of that but i think it comes later. in other words i think.... >> stephen: there's some foreplay first, is what you're saying? >> exactly. >> stephen: that's very generous of you. >> well, it may be more than we've seen to date into this race but romney will get a look now that he hasn't really had. everybody's been focused on michele bachmann and christie this week and perry obviously had his moment in the sun. now, you know, romney's going to have to put up or shut up and this is going to be a time for him to really show what he's got as a candidate. >> stephen: this this really the last of the speculation? what about sarah palin? she's still out there, she could still jump in. >> well, we haven't heard from her in about three weeks so there's no telling what's been going on. >> stephen: if she got in, could

palin shake things up? >> well, there's no question palin will shake things up as a candidate for president. she's got a lot of energy behind her. she's got a lot of the support that has already been seen moving around with cain and perry and these guys so, sure. it resets the whole clock again but we're at the 11th hour at this point. >> stephen: you were the campaign manager for dole and mccain, any chance those two guys would jump in? a ticket? dole/mccain. time tested, cured like beef. >> i like it. you have iowa and new hampshire covered. >> stephen: already sewn up. so is there some magic thing romney could do to get people excited? it seems like the people anybody who likes romney already likes romney and other people... >> romney has to show he has the

leadership chops that he can take the republican part ceshgs put it under his arms and run to victory in november. he's got to show he can beat barack obama which is going to be the driving influence by who you support in the republican party. >> stephen: let's talk about that. you've got romney versus obama a matchup between a republican that nobody's excited about and a democrat everyone's disappointed in. (laughter) who wins? >> ultimately the american people win. (laughter) tough choice. and i think it's going to be the economy. i think people will basically vote based on what they think is going to be best for the economy. >> stephen: so the default will be is romney better at putting things back on track or do we give barack obama another shot at it is. >> stephen: what happened to perry? i was so excited about that guy! he was a proven job maker in texas. heed that evangelical vote. why did he crap out so hard? >> well, politics is tough business. >> stephen: it ain't tiddledy

winks. >> it's not tiddledy winks. so you never know, you could be a wildly successful candidate at the state level, he's obviously an incredibly popular governor of texas and when you've got to take that on the road, you know, strange things can happen. i would say it's too early to tell.... >> stephen: can he come back? >> sure, john mccain came back from being first to last to first again. >> stephen: absolutely. and the first term of his presidency has been fantastic. (laughter) >> it's been good for me. >> stephen: i'm sure it has. thank you so much rick davis. political strategist rick davis. we'll be right back. thank you very much. (cheers and applause)

>> stephen: welcome back everybody. thank you very much. i want to apologize if i seem a little off tonight. it's all because of some controversial statements country ar hank williams, jr., bocephus to his superfans made yesterday on fox and friends. >> you remember the golf game? >> boehner... >> that was one of the biggest political mistakes ever. >> you mean when john boehner

played golf with president obama? >> oh, yeah! yeah! and biden and kasich, yeah. uh-huh. that would be like hitler playing golf with netanyahu. (audience reacts) >> stephen: wow. even the fox and friends were taken aback. they're not used to hearing that sort of thing from people who don't work for the network. (laughter) and, folks, that was not the end of it. >> they're the enemy. >> who's the enemy? >> obama! and biden! are you kidding? the three stooges. >> well, that's only two. (laughter) >> stephen: i ran that past my own researchers and doocy is correct, obama and biden add up to two, not three. so lay off people who say fox news doesn't do any fact checking. but chill out, steve doocy, not everything bocephus says is meant to be taken literally. he is an artist. he works in metaphor. like his song "big top women." "the big top women sure do

bounce around, i love to see them walking up and down." be baboom, be baboom, make you go downtown. (laughter and applause) clearly a metaphor. big top women isn't literally about the circus. (laughter) tragically espn caved to the "we shouldn't compare the president to hitlerschtapo" so last night's "monday night football" didn't begin with hank williams, jr., asking the eternal eternal question "are you ready for some football?" and, nation, not hearing that song left me dangerously unprepared for some football! (laughter) i'm in my living room innocently watching a chevy silverado ad. a bunch of men in shiny tights start hitting each other hurling and kicking a weird level oblate sphere rohde. it was hours before i realized it was some football. (laughter)

and needless to say i was not ready for it. i'm sorry, espn, you can disagree with a man's politics but you have no right to rob the american people of the proper procedures of football preparation. bocephus isn't just asking if we're ready restoreally, he's asking us all to embark on a journey of reflection. check our surroundings. is there any suggesting unpreparedness for some football? perhaps an empty snack bowl, near is unchilled, a telephone shaped like a baseball. (laughter) what about outstandings are vice presidents from my rowdy friend? might all of them not come over tonight? last night we were robbed of that as a nation and why? perhaps the hitler/netanyahu golf game wouldn't be so bad. (cheers and applause) on the wii it is certainly adorable.

if you notice, hitler's got a bit of slice. that's why he always went into belgium. but, folks,... true, true story. but folks, someone has got to step up and make sure america is never again caught unawares by some football. i take it upon myself to compose the next "monday night football" theme. (cheers and applause) (singing off key) (laughter) ♪ football... football, football football ♪ (to the tune of "jaws") (cheers and applause) it's a work in progress. we'll be right back.

>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight has a new memoir called "drama: an actor's education." i am going to act like i've read his book. please welcome john lithgow! (cheers and applause)

john! good to see you again. sit down. so great to see you. >> nice to be here again. >> stephen: now, sir, you have done it all. you're an emmy and tony award winning actor. you're star of stage, screen, t.v.. you've authored eight books for children. you've won grammys for your albums and now you have authored a new memoir which is humbly titled "drama: an actor's education." i do not know that actors needed education. (laughter) salinger said he thought actors education could get in the way. don't you need to be a little empty up here so you can fill it with other people's lives? >> but you have to learn how to be an actor. >> stephen: really? >> i think so. >> stephen: can you just go out there and wing it? >> some can but they don't last

long. look at me, i've lasted until 65 years old. (cheers and applause) >> stephen:'s's the key to an actor's education because as far as i can tell actors are really good liars. (laughter) >> well, the essence of acting is pretending and basically deceiving people into sort of accepting an invitation of reality, yes. but i think it just comes with experience. i mean, the essence of it is it's experience both on stage and off stage, i think. that's what my book is about. it's about all the time i've spent on stage as a very, very young boy. i mean, i started acting before i even remember. >> stephen: your father ran a shakespeare festival. >> very. i grew up in a theater family. he ran shakespeare festivals all over ohio the whole time i was growing up. so that's where my education

kicked in in spite of myself. by osmosis i was becoming an actor. >> stephen: where in ohio? stratford upon cleveland? (laughter) where in ohio did you live. >> the great lakes theater festival in cleveland is going strong 50 years after he started it. >> stephen: was your father disappointed that you went into the family business? because you got a harvard education. why didn't you go into, like, hedge funds? something that serves humanity. (laughter) doing god's work. >> (laughs) well, it's funny you should mention that. clearly you haven't read the book. (laughter) >> stephen: no. i was waiting for you to come here and act it out. (laughter) >> well, let me tell you. >> stephen: please do. >> all my life i acted in my fathers companies, he directed me, we acted together. i went off to harvard and told him in my senior year that i was going to go off to england and

study atlanta in drama school and his face fell like i told him i'd contracted a terminal disease. not withstanding the fact that it was obvious to everybody that i was going to end up an actor. it is true i hadn't intended to be or wanted to be an actor when i was growing up. >> stephen: what sucked you? >> applause. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: if that's the criteria than i'm an actor. >> oh, you're an actor, stephen. (laughter) >> stephen: all men are in some ways, aren't they? >> all business is show business. >> stephen: you said they looked like you'd contracted a disease. is there any cure for acting? >> is there any cure for acting? >> is there anything that could make you want to stop acting? >> i suppose you could find something in your life that you prefer to acting.

or you could go long enough without ever being given a job that you finally quit acting. >> it breaks your heart. >> it's a heart breaking profession. there's a lot of heart break in the book. a lot of laughs, a lot of tears, a lot of drama. (laughter) >> stephen: when your memoir "draw marx an actor's education" is inevitably made into a movie. who do you want to play you? >> ryan gosling. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: to capture your six pack abs? >> he looks just like me as a young man. >> stephen: john lithgow, thank you so much for gracing us with your dramatic presence. >> stephen, thank you for gracing me with yours. thank you so much. >> stephen: john lithgow "drama: an actor's education."

we shall be right back.

(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you so much. folks, regular viewers may have noticed a rash of new babies among my staff in the last couple of months. i just want to quell rumors that this is due to a catastrophic spill of stephen colbert's formula 401 nine months ago.

that was mopped up. with that set seted. welcome to the newest member of the colbert nation, giancarlo francis dinello who, judging by his name, was born in 19th century venice. (laughter) my congratulations to the entire family and to riley dinello. should you ever feel ignored these next few months just pee on the carpet like you do in my office. (laughter) good night, captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org