- suck my balls! - mm, magic. april 25, 2012. from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause )

>> jon: welcome to "the daily show"! my name is jon stewart. from the film "five year engage." jason segel will be joining us. for those of you wondering at home what am i scribbling on the table, i can just show you, it's a... a scribble. (laughter) i wish it was more impressive. actually, it's a treasure map to a giant chest of scribbles. (laughter) all right, last night mitten king romney viii swept a five state primary to all but clinch the republican nomination thus beginning the six month general election slog to the white house and, try as i might, i am having difficulty giving a (bleep). (laughter and applause) this is this should be the top

story. obama v. romney, it is on! (laughter) in all likelihood, it's predominantly what we're going to be talking about for the next few months. we'll probably talk about it later in the show. but right now... (laughter). .. i'm ditching it because i watched the news today and i saw something so awesome! i'm calling an audible. i'm calling an audible. i'm going to break open my emergency script jug i have that for emergencies. (laughter) (cheers and applause) i'm going to hire somebody at this show whose sole job it is that when i come up with an idea that involves breaking something sharp their entire job is to

just go "i don't think you should do that." (laughter) "you always end up hurting yourself because you're... you're kind of clumsy." (laughter) (laughs) role 212. >> this may seem like science fiction but today a group of space pioneers announced plans to mine asteroids for precious minerals. >> jon: spice pioneers going to mine mother (bleep)ing asteroids! (cheers and applause) for precious materials! boom, boom! (cheers and applause) yes! stew beat is all in! you know how rarely the news in 2012 looks and sounds how you thought news would look and sound in 2012! the only thing missing from this story in my kid fantasy is newsman skoept's non-futuristic sense of style.

yeah! nano-nano shazbot. this asteroid retrieval project is being handled by eccentric billionaires. >> they are some of the most influential and wealthiest men on the planet. google's larry page and eric schmidt, director james cameron, and billionaire ross pro, jr. >> if you put two google billionaires with the microsoft billionaires and some astronauts together you can't go wrong. (laughter) >> except in an orgy. (laughter). >> jon: but even that guy, even that enthusiastic scientist looked like he's from the future. in the future people will all have really cool hair! thank you, man of tomorrow. so why are these dashing spend-o-nauts doing it?

fame? knowledge? love of tang? the orange drink. (laughter) not the tang you perverts all thought of. >> since my childhood i've wanted to do one thing, be an asteroid miner. (laughter) >> jon: did not see that coming. (laughter) you know who really probably thinks that that soundbite was weird? earth miners. (laughter) earth miners are like "really? you want to be a miner? but without the oxygen we enjoy in the earth mine? i have an idea, why don't you work in our earth mines and just pretend you here in space? how about that? that's what everybody else does down here. hank over there, pretends, you know, he's on a beach. richie thinks he's queen elizabeth. now, you pretend you here in space, keep your eye on the canary and get back to (bleep)ing work. how about that?" (laughter) although i will say this,

everything is more glamorous in space. here's earth mining. (laughter) and now, ladies and gentlemen, asteroid mining. ♪ i don't want to close my eyes i don't want to fall asleep ♪ cause i miss you, baby and i don't want to miss ♪ a thing >> jon: actually, space mining seems less pleasant. look, i'm telling you, what could go wrong with billionaires, famed director james cameron and miners in space? (screaming) well, there is that. >> if i could interrupt here, jon? >> jon: what's that? oh, hey, it's one of my writers,

eliot, eliot, what's up? >> only the first alien movie directed by ridley scott had aliens killing workers in the spice mining industry. specifically mineral or transport for the wayland corporation. >> jon: you're fired, eliot. >> oh! oh! >> jon: i see, you're bringing out special effects and an alien is going to burst out from your chest, bravo, eliot. >> i wish. the interns got regular milk instead of lactaid and now my tummy hurts. >> jon: you should probably lie down. >> okay, thank you for letting me use the couch in your office. >> jon: no! back to the space mines. how does that guy continually interrupt me? on a variety of different episodes. so what are we going to be mining up there, diamonds? space diamonds? unobtainium. >> we'll start with water because in actual fact the water is worth something like $20,000 to $50,000 a pound in deep space.

>> yes, who amongst us wouldn't pay $50,000 for a pound of space water? (laughter) at the space convenience store. "oh, you know what? i'm light, just give me a half of pound of space water and one of the space us weeklies and are those space condoms? i'll take one of those." (laughter) are you sure that's the only reason we're going there? space water? >> these asteroids, as tom will tell you, have lifetimes of 30 million years. we need to grab them, quite frankly, before they do some damage to us. (laughter) >> where have i heard that pitch before? >> we will fight them overseas so we do not have to fight them here at home. (applause) >> jon: oh, my god, billionaires have just declared a preemptive war on asteroids. (laughter) this is awesome! until we get there and find out there was never any water in the first place. (laughter) look, i love this story... (cheers and applause) i love this story. but let's face facts, it seems a

little farfetched. that's why it's a perfect candidate for our brand new segment "bull (bleep) or no bull (bleep)" with astrophysicist neil degrasse tyson. let's put 60 seconds up on the clock. (cheers and applause) >> good evening, jon. >> dr. tyson. dr. tyson, tonight's question, asteroid mining. bull (bleep) or no bull (bleep)? >> jon, in this case, the answer is no bull (bleep). >> jon: amazing. >> jon, your opening credits still show the earth rotating in the wrong direction. i'm just saying. (laughter) (cheers and applause)

(cheers and applause) >> jon: welcome back to the show. i don't know if you noticed this, by the way, neil degrasse tyson was holding a rubik's cube. i swear to you that thing was not solved when we gave it to him maybe 25 seconds before he walked out here. (laughter)

he's e.t . i believe he is e.t . i think he did one of these. "solve it." (laughter) listen, having spent the first act of tonight's show on asteroid mining-- which i did-- we turn now reluctantly to the 2012 presidential campaign. today stunning new development. >> this just into cnn. we have confirmed that newt gingrich will, indeed, drop out of the presidential race next week. (cheers and applause) >> jon: no, not yay. not yay. (laughter) anyway, he announced he was dropping out next week. (laughter) that is so gingrich. (laughter) "today i am calling off this grotesque and hopeless charade of a campaign seven days from now. gingrich 2016!" gingrich's news came on the heels of willington millington rom-nillington the 23rd big

news sweeping primaries in new york, delaware, pennsylvania, rhode island and connecticut, ironically sewing up the republican nomination for president if five non-real america states. (laughter) now in the primary, romney ran as a severe conservative. the general election looming, how will romney make the pivot to more moderate voters? i don't know how. oh, my god, he's going for the full reboot! (laughter) (applause) >> tonight is the start of a new campaign. >> jon: you know, the other way to reboot romney is you stick an unbent paper clip in his urethra. (audience reacts) that is an appropriate reaction, by the way. simultaneously as one they just went "oh!" (laughter) "that would hurt your pee pee."

what would mark general election romney's appearance? easing of his immigration rhett stphreubg softening on taxes? >> today the hill before us is a little steep. but we've always been a nation of big steppers. in the america i see, character and choices matter. i see an america with a growing middle-class. i see children even more successful than their parents. we believe in america. we believe in ourselves. our greatest days are ahead. we are, after all, americans! >> jon: ooh, a little light pro-america foreplay. america's good and a romney administration will like it! getting there. more like the version you'd hear of reagan in an elevator, you know what i mean? if you'd have gone up 11 floors before you're like "is that reagan in the background?" so if romney is this election's reagan, what is his opponent going for? >> now is not the time to make school more expensive for our

young people. (cheers and applause) >> oh, yeah. (laughter) you should listen to the president. or, as i like to call him, the preezy of the united steezy. >> jon: what the... the president slow jamming the news on late night! so romney is this year's reagan, obama is this year's clinton. (laughter) wait a minute. normally brian williams slow jams... romney's running to replace obama, obama's running to replace brian williams! and brian williams wants my job! this has to end! somebody's got to be an adult around here! mr. president, you're the president! you don't have to do this (bleep) anymore! (laughter) although we'd obviously love to have you back. (laughter) so i guess this is the two campaigns we're left with.

obama/romney. there we go. it's going to be slim picks material wise. >> ron paul has promised to keep going, as i mentioned, until the convention. he's still raising that money, adding debt gatts. >> jon: help us, ron paul. you're our only hope. (cheers and applause) we'll be right back.

(cheers and applause). >> jon: welcome back, my guest tonight, very funny actor, his new film is called "the five year engagement." >> the men whether wear ya as and all eligible christians will serve communion. >> at my son's wedding? >> it's our wedding, pete, and i mean seeing as everyone's going to be wearing yarmulkes. >> actually, only the men will be wearing yarmulkes. >> well i've never heard you say the word yarmulke until today. >> excuse me, i say yarmulke all the time. >> you don't. >> babe, have you seen my yarmulke. >> you don't have a yarmulke. >> i have a whole... it's in my jewish drawer. (laughter). >> jon: please welcome jason segel. (cheers and applause)

>> jon: they love you. they're very fond of you. >> thank you. thank you very much. they are incredibly fond of you. nice to see you. >> thank you. it's my first time here. thank you for having me. >> jon: we're delighted to have you. >> i've been wanting to be here forever. >> jon: we've wanting you to be here forever. i'm doing an improv game with you. i'm "yes anding." >> okay, thanks. >> jon: okay, thank you. you wrote this... cowrote this. >> with nick. we wrote "muppets together." (applause). >> jon: i want to thank you for that. it is unusual for an adult to go with something with his children and enjoy it in a manner that is not enjoying it. like... because they're happy and they're eating candy. >> , no i know what you mean. >> jon: i loved it. >> thank you. you know, it's funny when you're talking about puppets it starts to feel weird as an adult.

but muppets were my first come "commitment 2012" mick influence. when you're a comedian, muppets were "monty python" to me and they were "saturday night live" so when i saw that the muppets weren't the muppets that i grew up with i wanted to bring them back. it meant a lot to me. >> jon: that's very nice because... and how did they respond to that because... >> it's not funny. it's very sincere. >> jon: our audience does not deal well-- nor do i-- with earnest emotions. (laughter) so what they expected you to do... >> by the way, that's the next movie i'm doing "earnest emotions." (laughter). >> jon: as a writer... because you are doing t.v. shows and you're writing... >> that was a jim varney joke. >> jon: was it really? >> ernest. >> jon: oh, "ernest goes to emotional." (laughter) did you stop enjoying entertainment in, like 1978? because these are references that are take megalike... "that's a beverly hillbillies

reference." (laughter) >> that's all i got for you. >> jon: as a writer, how far ahead are you working? are you executing a film while writing the next one? because i know that process is tedious, time consuming and takes a lot of creative energy. >> yeah, well, i do a t.v. show called "how i met your mother." (cheers and applause) and so basically what i do is during that t.v. season i write the movie i'm going to do during the hiatus. so i spend every night... i come home from the show and i write what i'm going start shooting when i get a break. >> jon: shouldn't you be out doing blow and getting into fights? (laughter) >> these are... these are not... >> jon: i think i know hollywood a little better than you do. (laughter) i'm pretty sure that's what you're supposed to do. >> these are not mutually

exclusive. >> jon: (laughs) all right, fair enough. is it now... does it hurt your focus... and, by the way, how did he meet the mother? because i've been watching it for many years now and they have yet to tell how they actually met. do they tell you? >> i have no idea. i do kind of think at some point we're going to be, like, in our mid-50s and he should probably meet the mother or it's going to get weird. >> jon: i think it's going to be a jacob's ladder situation where they realize it's just the last minute of his life. do you remember "jacob's ladder" where they take you through that whole thing and at the very end it's like "oh, he's just dying." >> i pitched a story to them that they thought was ridiculous. >> jon: let's hear it. >> i thought in the final episode it should be like that's how i met your mother. and then the windows should open because it test future and it should just be a postapocalyptic war... (laughter). >> jon: i like that!

>> (makes bomb sopbdz). (laughter). >> jon: but they thought that was not romantic. (laughter) >> that is how even tv show should end. the end of every episode they should open the window... >> and, kid, that's how i met your mother. (laughter) "let's get them! ". >> jon: i like that. do you still... you're not going to do another muppet movie but... >> i worked on the muppets for about three quarters of a decade. this is seven and a half years i wrote that movie and got it made and i would just like to do some human-related project. >> jon: i think that's a wise choice. i remember doing... i taped a music special with "sesame street", so it wasn't necessarily the muppet characters but it always freaked me out that the puppet actors-- who are so good at what they do-- continue when you say "cut" to do this so it's like "one,

two, three, i love you...". >> it's the weirdest thing of all time because you want to respect them as people. (laughter) i mean, they're talented. (laughter) >> jon: you are going to get your ass kick bid kermit. >> but when i did "forgetting sarah marshall" we ended with a lavish puppet musical and... >> (cheers and applause) >> thank you. but i remember one lady came up and... (laughs) she was like "thanks for doing the movie." and i was like, oh, no, of course, you're welcome, human woman. (laughter) and then she was like "no, thank you, sweetheart." (laughter) okay, human woman. come back to me. come back, human woman, come back. >> jon: well "five year engage." is a human movie. >> it was just voted by international film magazine as the best film of all time.

>> jon: oh, my god, that's my favorite magazine! i never miss an episnowed. >> catch it on your ipads. >> jon: i do. five your engagement, the best film of all time, it will be in theaters on

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