[beep]. >> 30 more captioning sponsored by comedy central ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody! good to have you with us. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you for joining us. folks, if you watch this show-- and i certainly hope that you do-- you know this show is all about the hard news, and tonight there is street violence in the

ukraine, in thailand, and venezuela. i will get to all of those stories, as soon as i discuss this breaking news from the huffington post. was your kid hitler in a past life? it's the kind of huffpo feature that leads to the question, "will journalism exist in the future life?" i have never believed in reincarnation. i don't know why. maybe i was a skeptic in a past life. but this article offers incontrovertible antidote that your child may have had a past life, such is the story of a six-year-old boy who was able to translate the words of adolf hitler, even though none of his relatives knew german. incredible. even more incredible that his relatives who didn't speak german were able to tell he was translating correctly. laugh but, folks, just because this kid's parents be heave hitler in a past life, doesn't mean you should give up hope for your child. consider this-- hitler of an artist. has your child ever colored with crayons?

( laughter ) does he sometimes have trouble getting along with others? idoes he blame his early bedtime on a global jewish conspiracy? if so, if so-- i want to be clear about this-- if so,im not saying your child is hitler. i am saying he might have been hitler. ( laughter ) of course, there are a lot of people your kids could have been, other than the most hated man of the 20th century. the article points to other signs of reincarnation to look for, such as adult-like behavior, night terrors, and morbid drawings that recall their previous incarnation with really morbid and bloody drawings. for instance, my childhood drawings are how i learned in a past life i once defeated godzilla by shooting flames out of my butt. ( laughter ) now, of course, you might be asking, "stephen, is there any chance that there are factual errors in this article about how my child might be a reincarnated genocidal maniac?"

yes, greg. and i applaud the huffington post for having the journalistic integrity to print this correction. "an earlier version of this story spelled adolph hitler's first name as adolf." phew! smelled with an "f." thank god they cleared that up. there are a lot of relieved parents out there who've just learned their kid might not be adolph hitler. he might be adolf hitler. slightly nicer guy. ( laughter ) whichever adolf hitler your young child is, we have no chance of stopping him now, thanks to the gutting of our armed forces by secretary of defense chuck "hussein" hagel. >> new concerns about america's military readiness. >> the administration decided to slash america's military, raising major concerns about u.s. national security. >> growing outrage over the administration's proposal to cut our military to levels that have not been seen since world war ii.

>> devastating cuts to our military. could this move by the obama administration now put your security at risk? >> stephen: nation, i am terrified. i hope that budget includes funding for new pants because mine just had a dishonorable discharge. ( laughter ) how is america going to defend itself after these cuts? i mean, what's left of our budget, anything? >> it's important to note here that our military still has a budget bigger than the next 10 military budgets in the world combined. >> stephen: only 10? ( laughter ) but what if we want to invade 11 countries? ( laughter ) of course we're nowhere near that capacity now, folks be, because the cuts in this budget are explicitly a rejection of the previous "fight two wars at once" doctrine. hagel has evidently forgotten the hard lessons we learned from fighting tojo and your son. hey, hey, folks.

( cheers and applause ) and, hey, i'm all in favor of a lower budget, but isn't there something else we can cut? >> this our readiness and national security is all being sacrificed if you will on the altar of entitlement. >> these are the kind of cuts you have to make when you're not willing to reign in entitlements. >> when you look at the amount of money we spend on confidence it's an eye opener. as you can see, back in 1990-- just for point of reference, about 25 years ago, $300 billion was spent on defense. and about 568 billion was spent on entitlements. fast forward to 2010. about $700 billion on the defense of this nation. while close to tril-- 2-- hundred-- rather, one-- that's a hard number to read right there. >> stephen: okay, okay, i think i know what's wrong here.

jim, put the chart back up. the first year should read, "1990, not 2008. defense spending should be blue and entitleiments should be red. and steve doocy should not be on television. ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers ) become line the pentagon will cut as many as 80,000 active duty troops, adding to an already terrible unemployment rate. thankfully, congress is taking a stand, and that brings us to tonight's word. ( cheers and applause ). jobsolete. nation, there are those out there who say the only thing america manufacturers any more are easy cheez and people who think they're allergic too gluten. ( laughter ) but, folks, they are wrong. we also make bombs. and good news, while the budget cuts jobs for soldiers, it spares most arms manufacturers

which is why yesterday, shares of lockheed martin, northrop grumman, general dynamics, and raytheon all hit 52-week highs. finally, an answer to the question, "war, god god y'all. what is it good for ♪ ( applause ) creating jobs is what it is good for, folks. creating good jobs americans can count on no matter how hard the military tries to end them. >> congress wants to keep rubber stamping attention fleets. >> the u.s. army has a message for congress-- thanks but no attentions. >> the price over the past two arizona has been almost half a million dollars, but the army says we don't need any more tanks. >> it keeps jobs in congressional districts with they are located. >> stephen: we have to protect the jobs. if the military doesn't need the tanks we will find a job for

them. just load up the baseballs and give them a real job in the batting cage. it will let skills honed go to waste, which i believe is radio shack's business model. these tanks are the only innovation from the vital useless sexer. there's the c27-j plane. ohio senators fought to order 21 of these $50 million planes because 800 jobs at mansfield air force base depended on it. then, the newly constructed fleet was shipped directly to an arizona bone yard. arizona bone yard, by the way, also the way of tucson's premiere retirement home for swingers. ( laughter ) but it, folks, fraps no useless piece of military equipment has done more for the american worker than the f35 fighter

jets. at capitol hill 400 billion it is the most expensive weapons system in u.s. history, despite a few drawbacks. >> headlines tell a story of years of clays, cost overruns, and problems with the jets. right now, they still can't fly at night. >> stephen: which is fine, as long as al qaeda never stays up past their bedtime. ( laughter ) but, folks, the f35 program is too big to kill because it supports 133,000 jobs in 45 states. but if useless weapons employ so many americans, i say shouldn't we build more obsolete technol? i mean, let's reopen factories that manufacture blunderbusses or chariots, opener what's the name of those things on game of thrones that bash open doors? and why and why just useless things that already exist? we can create new things that nobody wants.

i proposal a cutting edge weapons system, the f-u-435 employminator. ( laughter ) it's part tank, part jet, part aircraft carrier, and all crap. ( laughter ) best of all-- best of all, folks-- ( applause ) is it costs a fortune, and it will take hundreds of thousands of people to build. but it's better than wasting it on something foolish like food stamps because want only way to get americans back to work is to keep making things that don't. and that's the ♪ there's a new leader in network speed. t-mobile.

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give extra. get extra. ( cheers and applause ) welcome back, everybody, thai so much. nation, i don't know about you, but it seems more and more these days in this fast-paced digital world, where skids are instagramming, it's nice to know some patriots are fighting to hold on to a way of life you can actually hold on to. one such group is called consumers for paper options, and they've been doing media outreach, polling, and lobbying members of congress to make a simply-- don't move away from paper so quickly. yes, who scnt want to enkeep the joy of government paper work, the feeling of fulfill mitt ofment when you fill out the vs-1723 for foreign birds.

personally, i think the bird took them. he's foreign and yet speaks perfect english. come on, polly wants some c4. and the consumers for paper opgs know their stuff because they were set up by the envelope moviers association. that's the envelope manufacturers association pushing the pushing the envelope since 1933. ( laughter ) sure, envelope manufacturers might profit from the government send, letters to every human in america. but that doesn't mean they're wrong, folks. and, yet, the treasury department estimates that by shifting from paper to digital they would save $1 billion over the next 10 years, but then what are they going to print those $1 billion bills on? paper. where is your savings now? and where does this paperless menace end? first they take our paperwork. what's next, our liquid paper? ( laughter ) pretty soon they'll come for our toilet paper, and i, for one, don't want to use something

digital to clean my analog. ( laughter ) the point is-- ( applause ) ( cheers ) i'm not going to say that didn't deserve applause because it did. ( laughter ) the point is, there's nothing suspicious with this or the fact that my show is sponsored by the new hampshire stamp moistening sponge association. stamp moistening sponches for when you don't give a spit. and this has in no way influenced my objective, ongoing series, "self-adhe's ifs, the stamp of death." folks, the self-adhesive stamp is a death trap. kids mistake one for a real stamp, lick it, the adhesive sticks to the tongue. suddenly the kid is choking to death on a forever stamp. for him, forever is only a precious few seconds. ( laughter ) but do your part to preserve traditional america by joining

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[ female announcer ] the x1 entertainment operating system, only from xfinity. tv and internet together like never before. ( cheers and applause ) welcome back everybody. my guest tonight is from texas but lives in brooklyn which means she's enjoys barbecue ironically. please went st. vincent. hey, nice to see you again. thanks for coming back. >> my pleasure. thank you for having me. >> stephen: all right, st. vincent, annie clark, right? >> yeah. >> stephen: do you mind-- which one do you mind-- which one do you want? >> call me annie. >> stephen: can i call you vinny? >> police. >> stephen: you're a singer, songwriter, guitar player and you won the smithsonian american ingenuity award for performing arts. ( cheers and applause ). what do you get?

what do-- do you get to cut in line at the air and space museum? what come with na? >> yay, you know, it was an award they give out to i guess the brightest minds in a number of different fields, and i was in a room full of nobel prize winners. >> stephen: wow. is that why you have einstein's hair now? ( laughter ) okay, all right. now, st. vincent, st. vincent i'm always looking foricals in show business, are you catholic? >> reformed catholic, maybe. >> stephen: come back in the water is fine. are you from a big family. >> i have four brothers and four sisters and i'm right in the middle. >> troubled child. how fast you can name them? i have 11 in my family. >> really you want to go from top to bottom. >> should we race. >> stephen: one, two, three. jimmy, amy, mary, paul, peter,

stephen. ( applause ) the album is called "st. vincent. of it's an incredible album. here's the thing. you're something of an art rocker-- if you don't mind the term-- can i enjoy your music or do i have to get it? i want to do the right thing. i do enjoy the music, but if there's something i'm not getting, i want to know if there's cliff notes or something like that. >> of course, yeah, yeah. >> stephen: is this like-- are there concepts in here or can i snap my fingers and still be a band? >> i think i've always tried to live at the intersection between accessibility and lunatic fringe. >> stephen: accessibility and lunatic. >> yeah. >> stephen: yeah. >> i think there's someplace in the middle is where i try to live and it's the most interesting to me artistically.

>> stephen: that's the corner of paxil and prozac. you delve into the themes of disconnectedness that one can feel during the modern digital age. is that an accurate statement. >> i would say there's tech no shaminnism going on -- >> stephen: again, i don't know. i feel dumb now. do you feel disconducted? >> well i think it's interesting because we perform ourselves in a myriad of ways -- >> stephen: what do you mean we perform ourselves? >> i mean, everything we do is sort of-- you know, you're wearing that suit, and i of and i have this hair and we're sort of communicating things about owrlzs in this analog way but we now have this other realm, which is the digital realm, to recreate ourselves, create ideal versions of ourselves. >> stephen: over there is a digital camera so people are getting a digital version of me. are you saying there's a me i present to the world that isn't

my true me? >> i would never suggest that. >> stephen: annie, thank you so much for joining me. we'll be right back with a performance by [ male announcer ] behold -- the original light beer. the inventor of great taste and less filling. the one that dared to say, maybe light beer should taste like beer. and for a limited time, miller lite is back in the original light can. ♪ miller lite is back in the original light can. ♪

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to manage your money.r guy around 2 percent that's not much, you think except it's 2 percent every year. go to e*trade and find out how much our advice and guidance costs. spoiler alert. it's low. it's guidance on your terms not ours. e*trade. less for us, more for you. on expedia you can book any flight, car and hotel together to save even more. plus, get an extra $100 when you build your custom trip. expedia, find yours. >> here to perform a song off her new album "st. vincent," later, st. vipsent. ( cheers and applause ).

♪ get back, to your seat get back, mashing teeth ♪ i won't bother your mind people turn the tv on, it looks ♪ just like a window people turn the tv on, it looks ♪ just like a window digital witnesses ♪ what's the point of even sleeping? ♪ if i can't show it, you can't see me ♪ what's the point of doing anything? ♪ this is no time for confessing i won't bother your mind ♪ people turn the tv on, it looks just like a window

♪ people turn the tv on, it looks just like a window ♪ people turn the tv on, it looks just like a window ♪ digital witnesses what's the point of even ♪ sleeping if i can't show it, you can't ♪ see me watch me jump right off the ♪ london bridge this is no time for confessing ♪

♪ people turn the tv on and throw it out the window ♪ get back, to your stare i can but i don't care why? ♪ i want all of your mind give me all of your mind ♪ i want all of your mind give me all of it ♪ digital witnesses what's the point of even ♪ sleeping? if i can't show it, you can't see me ♪ what's the point of doing anything ♪ what's the point of even

sleeping ♪ so i stop sleeping, yeah, i stop sleeping ♪ won't somebody sum it up to me ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: "st. vincent," everybody. good night! captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org cartel. dufresne. >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause]

>> jon: hey, welcome to "the daily show". my name is jon stewart. the program tonight will be exceptional. my guest tonight michio kaku. he is a theoretical quantum physicists post laying on the neurosciences. i will ask him to give me his lunch money. [ laughter ] let's begin in the ukraine. a barrier twixt between east and west, a thin borscht wall f you will show the russian influence, represented here by the crying bear, a classic icon of russian power and european influence represented by an (bleep). [ laughter ] wh