i did it. oh, god. mr. russell? - huh? - i did it. i got through. - yeah... -i... i raped your daughter. - that a bill. - date raped her! who am i? >> from comedy central world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah! (cheers and applause) ♪ captioning sponsored by comedy central >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show"! thank you so much, everybody! i'm trevor noah. my guest tonight is the star of "fifty shades of black," marlon wayans is here, everybody! (cheers and applause) but first, but first, big news

in the spy world. >> a stunning report by british investigators who just concluded that russian president vladimir putin probably ordered the assassination of a former kgb agent turned kremlin critic. >> your report says alexander litvinenko died in london after drinking poisonous tea in 2006. >> it says his killers must have taken orders from the top and in president putin's russia, that can only be one man. (laughter) >> trevor: those are pretty strong accusations from the british, calling vladimir putin a murderer? and in response, putin was, like, yeah... pretty cool, huh? (laughter) so a giant investigation, and the results that they came back with was that putin "probably" did it. we all could have told you putin "probably" killed an ex kgb spy.

he's shadiest guy ever. the lead water in flint, michigan, he probably did that, too. so the big news all over the world is russia may have poisoned a spy in england but i think we're missing the role story. the real story is the russians have developed a sense of humor. >> the kremlin within the past fw minutes issued its first reaction as well saying the report may poison the relationship between britain and russia, so they're sort of treating it as kind of a joke in the sense at the they've made a pun out of the word "poison." >> trevor: thank you, news guy, we got it. we got the "poison" and the "poison "-- the russians are probably, like, why are you butchering our joke? if you have to explain the joke, it's not the same! come on! it was not a murder! it was a setup, so we put poison in his tea and ten years late later -- get it? yeah, make funny, make funny! enough about russia, let's talk about a chilled-out country,

iran. (laughter) historically, iran has been known for three things -- oil, pistachios and oiled-up guys eating pistachios dancing to music like this -- (iranian club music) (laughter) this week it's different. different things, really, that are keeping iran in the news. firstly, they froze their nuclear program. for the last decade the biggest beef between america and iran has been over iran's nuclear program which iran says it wasn't using to make bombs but they wouldn't let anyone to come if and check it, sort of like a guy who says he's not texting other girls but he won't let his girlfriend see his phone because why would he text other girls when his girlfriend is the greatest girl in the world because she respects his privacy! sorry. so, long story short, iran

limited its nuclear program, and this week the rest of the world lifted economic sanctions on iran and unfroze billions in assets and promised to stop calling them "i ran." this put iran in such a good mood they released all the americans they had been holding prisoner. did i mention iran was holding americans prisoner? >> these americans have been held for years on what u.s. officials say were entirely bogus charges of espionage. their freedom comes after 14 months of stuff and go negotiations that went right up till the last minute. this morning the americans who spent so long as prisoners in iran, now freed and reunited with family. >> trevor: that is wonderful, wonderful news -- except for that guy on the right. (laughter) the media really owes that guy an apology. no! for two years, they have been using a picture that makes him look like a giant baby! (applause) (laughter) i mean, hasn't he suffered enough? it was a week of good news for

the u.s. and iran, except for one hiccup. >> ten american sailors and their boats are being held right now by iran, seized after the americans apparently drifted into iranian waters in the persian gulf. >> trevor: ah...iranian waters, the worst to drift into by mistake. much rather drift into jamaica's waters because they would probably be like, hey, you! you in the waters! get over here and have a fruity tropical drink with us! (laughter) as always, in moments of crisis, the finest men step forward, and then they get pushed out of the way by these guys. >> when i become president of the united states, our adversaries around the world will know america is no longer under the command of someone weak like barack obama and they will be like ronald reagan where as soon as he took office the hostages were released from iran. >> if i am elected president, no serviceman or woman will be forced to be on their knees and any nation that captures our fighting men and women will feel

the full force and fury of the united states of america! >> trevor: memememe-momomo-mememe... these guys are so full of (bleep)! (applause) like, no, no, i know you hate obama! (cheers and applause) i know you hate obama, but at least be logical about it because, first of all, iran didn't insult america. american sailors trespassed in iranian waters, iran was just protecting their borders, and if anyone is obsessed with protecting borders it's you, you know what this is about. this did happen under ronald reagan, it's called iran contra where iranian proxies took american hostages and to get them back reagan sold weapons to iran. third, this is for you ted cruz, why does the full force and fury of america always have to be about bombing? why? is that your only solution? maybe this is my bad, maybe ted cruz is talking about full force and fury of america's international calling plan and the plan was to text the (bleep) out of iran, that's what they're

going for. the problem with ted cruz is instant force. those american sailors captured were released 14 hours later. that's why diplomacy is so important. since the u.s. is not cool with iran, they could tell iran it was a big mix up and they let the sailors go. they let the sailors go so fast liam neeson didn't even have time to call! (applause) he didn't! listen, iran... i have a particular set of skills, and if you don't -- oh, they're on their way back? well, good, because i was about to tell you about my particular set -- hello? they hung up. (laughter) to summarize, in the last week, america's greatest enemy in the middle east opened up their country to nuclear inspections, released american soldiers trespassing in their barters and freed all the remaining u.s. prisoners in its country. i think this calls for a celebration. (iranian club music)

(cheers and applause) >> trevor: okay, okay! stop, stop the music! i feel pli mes chair growing. that's enough! we'll be right back! (cheers and applause) video streaming burns tons of data. and those other guys love over charging you for it. not t-mobile! now you can binge watch without watching your data. it's binge on - only from t-mobile. get unlimited streaming on netflix, hbo now, hulu, and more. plus get four lines with up to six gigs each for just thirty-five bucks a line. that's right. six gigs each plus all the video streaming you want with binge on. just thirty-five bucks per line. and it's only at t-mobile.

mmm, this tyeah. is natural? it's too good to be true. not again. real estate never goes down. fact. we'll have the baby, and i'll have my band, and it'll just work. right. don't worry about it honey. all of our family photos are right here (banging sound) on the hard drive. it's called a timeshare. we don't own it, we share it. let's do it. oh yeah. that is good. - mm-hmm. finally, something that's not too good to be true. it's oscar mayer natural turkey breast, and it tastes great. no longer comes at a price. well, actually it does... but it's just $9.99 new hot shot whisky chicken applebee's grill & bar favorites made a little better for you. featuring new dishes loaded with flavor, and all under 650 calories.

introducing centrum vitamints. a brand new multivitamin you enjoy like a mint. with a full spectrum of essential nutrients... surprisingly smooth, refreshingly cool. i see you found the vitamints. new centrum vitamints. a delicious new way to get your multivitamins.

>> trevor: welcome back! "the daily show" is usually the first to a story when it comes to crazy. but there was one story last week we didn't report and that's because we sort of partially kind of caused it? jessica williams has more. >> jessica: we live in terrifying times. but there is one danger that's threatening to devastate the lives of i'v everyday americans. >> political correct fess will destroy us. >> jessica: mr. obama is right, america is under attack. take this small town, for example, they have an official seal that represented this village for over 100 years. now american indian activist ben miller wants it taken down just because it hurts his feelings! >> look at the seal, makes us feel really uncomfortable when all we want to do is progress

and move forward. >> jessica: haven't you done enough? you already made the red skins change their logo. >> no, they aren't even thinking about it. >> jessica: you didn't make them change the logo? >> no. >> jessica: you should get to work on that because that is so (bleep) up. >> we're working on it. >> jessica: no way a seal could be more offensive than this. let's just see it. ♪ is that pioneer choking that native american dude to death or do i have something crazy in my eye? >> this is the official seal of whitesboro, new york. >> jessica: whitesboro? that's right, i guess if you're going to have a racist seal, why not have it here in the deep south of upstate new york. whitesboro's white mayor, whitey whiterson. i mean, patrick o'connor. >> the seal is absolutely not racist. >> jessica: thank god because looks like that white man was totally choking this american indian man to death. >> the seal depicts our founder hugh white. >> jessica: the guy in the seal's name is hugh white?

>> yes. hugh white was invited to engage in a friendly wrestling match. >> jessica: and he choked him? no. >> jessica: he attacked him? the goal was to push your opponent off balance. >> jessica: then murder him? the seal is based on historical events that fostered a good relationship between our founder and the american indians. >> jessica: yeah, i'm sure positive that's what native americans would say. >> history shows they were allies during the revolutionary war. >> jessica: i'm sorry, hold the (bleep) up. they were actually friends? >> yes, they were friends. >> jessica: so it's just the picture that's completely (bleep) horrible. to find out how they arrived at the seal, i met with the village clerk. >> in 1977 the seal was changed to move the hands from the neck area to the shoulders. >> jessica: so there is an even more offensive version of this seal? yeah, this one's definitely chokier. dana, i'm going to be real with you, i kind of like the older seal better because this looks like a central embrace between two powerful men, whereas this

one definitely looks like attempted murder. so they've already changed the image of the wrestling a bunch of times. why not make a brand new one? >> in 1999, the village board wanted to have a vote to potentially change it, but no alternative submissions for another seal were presented at the time. >> jessica: the only reason you didn't have the vote is because you didn't have any ideas? >> correct. >> jessica: i have a million ideas all the time? the village board decided to have a vote to change the seal. i decided to submit historically accurate seals this white people might like. i threw in more like pro wrestling and these two dudes choke ago british guy to death. the mayor sent out the vote which got attention of people outside of whitesboro which stirred up the news. >> racist and offensive. >> jessica: whoops! with the eyes of the world watching, change seemed inevitable, right? >> that's good. i'm happy with it.

doesn't look like he's strong lick with him. >> this is history. ere is no need to change history. >> jessica: things were off to a rough start. try as they might, they couldn't choke out the voice of dissent. how do you like the current seal? >> i don't like it. it looks like the indian is being choked. >> jessica: thank the lord you're here! i realized these weren't awful, bigoted people, some just had no idea the current seal and maybe some of their words were a little offensive! >> white versus red, white versus red, white versus red. >> jessica: you just referenced the word red a lot of times now. >> yeah. >> jessica: literally no idea what's offensive. >> i've worked with native americans. >> jessica: okay. so i know there is issues. >> jessica: uh-huh. big issues. >> jessica: humongous, monumental issues. >> just like with your race. >> jessica: my race? yeah. >> jessica: what race is that? african-american, black,

negro, whichever one you want to use. >> jessica: you say negro? at one point, that was part of your history, being a negro, right? >> jessica: i'm beginning to understand why they chose that seal in the first place, but i still had hope that the people of whitesboro would make the right choice. okay! so, the votes are in. show me the new seal! are you (bleep) kidding me? >> our residents came out and voted to keep the history of the seal the way it was. >> jessica: this is blowing up my brain right now. do you guys just hate american indians? >> absolutely not. >> jessica: but if there are millions of people outside of the town telling you that the seal is racist, wouldn't it do you a service to listen to them? >> the people of our village know that this is just a friendly wrestling match. >> jessica: this is just not even -- you know, this -- i don't -- i -- can i do to you

what that white man is doing to that american indian man in that seal? >> if it's going to foster a better relationship, then yes. >> jessica: yeah, i can it would. (applause) >> trevor: wow. wow, jessica. (applause) i mean, unfortunately, it seems as though some people will never change. >> actually, this morning, i spoke with the mayor of white whitesboro, and guess what? they are changing the seal! >> trevor: wow! (cheers and applause) wow! are you for real? >> jessica: really for real. the village officials and the descendents of hugh white are getting together with the oneida indian nation to make a new seal that makes everybody happy! we did it! (cheers and applause) we did it! >> trevor: we'll be right back! (cheers and applause) no more racism! (cheers

hey there, tiny... what beer we drinkin'? i don't know boss... what about that redd's apple ale? you're a genius, tiny! this apple sauce is the bee's knees. the cat's pajamas! hits ya right in the kisser! emm. redd's apple ale. also in strawberry and green apple.

i drive to the hoop. i drive a racecar. i have a driver. his name is carl. but that's not what we all have in common. we talked to our doctors about treatment with xarelto®. xarelto® is proven to treat and help reduce the risk of dvt and pe blood clots. xarelto® is also proven to reduce the risk of stroke in people with afib, not caused by a heart valve problem. for people with afib currently well managed on warfarin, there is limited information on how xarelto® and warfarin compare in reducing the risk of stroke. you know, taking warfarin, i had to deal with that blood testing routine.

i couldn't have a healthy salad whenever i wanted. i found another way. yeah, treatment with xarelto®. hey, safety first. like all blood thinners, don't stop taking xarelto® without talking to your doctor, as this may increase your risk of a blood clot or stroke. while taking, you may bruise more easily and it may take longer for bleeding to stop. xarelto® may increase your risk of bleeding if you take certain medicines. xarelto® can cause serious and in rare cases, fatal bleeding. get help right away for unexpected bleeding, unusual bruising, or tingling. if you have had spinal anesthesia while on xarelto®, watch for back pain or any nerve or muscle related signs or symptoms. do not take xarelto® if you have an artificial heart valve or abnormal bleeding. tell your doctor before all planned medical or dental procedures. before starting xarelto®, tell your doctor about any kidney, liver, or bleeding problems. xarelto® is the number one prescribed blood thinner in its class. well that calls for a round of kevin nealons. make mine an arnold palmer. same here. with xarelto® there is no regular blood monitoring and no known dietary restrictions. treatment with xarelto® was the right move for us. ask your doctor about xarelto®.

(cheers and applause) >> trevor: welcome back! my guest tonight is a comedian and an actor. his new film is called "fifty shades of black." >> thank you, mr. black. please, call me christian. christian. i hope i answered all your yes, sir. >> you certainly did. hannah? christian. ooh! (bleep)! ooh! jesus christ! oh, god, make it stop! >> white girls! get that off your face! >> trevor: please welcome,

marlon wayans! (cheers and applause) ♪ >> thank you. how you doing, brother? >> trevor: how are you doing, man? >> i'm good. i'm tired, man. >> trevor: you don't look tired. can i just say real quick, this is so weird for me. i feel like i grew up watching you on tv in south africa, yet you still look exactly the same age. how is that? you look even better than you looked before! (laughter) >> i have been drinking farrel farrell's juice. >> trevor: there are certain black guys that never age and certain ones like me look old. flaiflaif aflaif looks 75.

it's like black don't crack unless you smoke it. (laughter) (applause) >> i'm so tired. all day long -- i have been on this promotional tour for the movie "fifty shades of black." i have been asked the same question over and over and over again. >> trevor: what are the questions? i won't ask tell me. >> this one question has been, so, are you going to boycott the oscars? i'm, like, what the hell? because there is been a whiteout at the oscars, no black people nominated. i was, like, they never invited my black ass anyway so, yeah, a boycott is easy for me! they're never nominating scary movie as an academy award winning film! >> trevor: and rightfully, so don't ever nominate scary movie. >> by sean should have been

nominated! >> trevor: you should have played it up, i will boycott these oscars! no one would have known. >> now i feel bad for all the white guys that make decisions. what are you talking about? this is the first you heard. "the revenant" got a lot of consideration and that "black bear" was really good! (laughter) jade is a friend and i know she can be a fire cracker. part of it is like are you mad because will wasn't nominated? i'm, like, well, you know, when your husband is nominated he don't win, black women get upset, like, oh, no! that's my baby! he deserves a not! i'm calling oscar right now! ghettos car on the phone! (laughter) no, you make willow and jade cry! they never cry! and will had no idea! he was, like, i was in europe. so he came home and people was like, hey, man, you doing it,

man, now! you are the man in black! he's, like, what the hell? he sees the video online. he's, like, no! you did instagram? no! facebook? you're not supposed to do facebook! do a snapchat video! it goes away! it's just a mess! i feel very strongly about this. >> trevor: let me ask you, are you going to boycott -- let's talk about your movie. >> my movie after all this, i'm going to have to change the name to "fifty shades of black." you worked out hard for the movie. you turned yourself into a good looking guy. i'm not saying you weren't before, but, i mean, you bound to have had a six-pack in the movie, you really took it seriously. because it's the actor in me.

i was, like, look, you're in a movie and topless and naked, i wanted to be confident. when you work out and you get the six-pack, your towel gets real small, you know. like i was in -- normally you're wearing a big towel, but, you know, i worked out, abs down to here, i just had a little towel everywhere i went, just like -- (laughter) (cheers and applause) >> trevor: what do you enjoy more right now? because you started standup five years ago. what do you enjoy more, standup or act sphg. >> i love standup because i can act on the stage and you get immediate response. something about being connected to an audience that it just does something special to you. you feel like you're breathing and i used to be really obnoxious in real life until i started standup. now i'm just kind of obnoxious because i get laughs from people so i'm a lot less, please, like me, like me! i got my cooler now.

i'm cooler. (laughter) >> trevor: "fifty shades of black" will be in theaters january 29. you can see marlon wayans do stand up at the theater ino stand up at the theater ino leans tomorrow! introducing pizza hut's first $5 flavor menu. just $5 each when you order two or more. say yes to a medium 1-topping pizza. yes to wingstreet wings. yes to a hershey's cookie. and much more. it's easy to say yes to our first ever $5 flavor menu.

only at pizza hut. what beer may i fetch you, my lord? umm... i'll have a redd's apple ale. and perhaps a wrench. no. a wrench, a wrench. redd's apple ale. also in strawberry and green apple.

don't drop your phone, drop your network. bring your phone to cricket wireless. we have more 4g lte coverage nationwide than t-mobile or sprint. cricket wireless. something to smile about. >> trevor: that's our show for tonight. here it is, your moment of zen. >> obviously, if you restricted 75 horses, 75 horses then are doing the work that 90 or 110 or 120 horses used to do.

i mean, that makes no sense. it lacks horse sense. so the lawyers say, whoa! >> larry: tonightly, hillary clinton's server contains dozens of highly classified messages. in response, she quickly deleted her lead over bernie sanders. ( laughter ) see how i did that? yeah, yeah. a new poll shows bernie sanders leading hillary clinton in new hampshire by 27 point. after seeing the results, bernie was heard yelling in excitement-- or talking normally. it's hard to tell sometimes. he's yelling all the time, all the time. and a mies