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comedy central >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show," everybody. i'm trevor noah. thank you so much for tuning in. thank you for coming out. wow. wow. ( cheers and applause ) too much! too much! too much! let's do it. let's do it. we have two guests tonight on the show. first up, we're going to be joined by billionaire businessman and owner of the l.a. clippers. steve ballmer is here, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) and then you know and love him from "curb your enthusiasm," and now he's got a brand-new netflix special. jeff garl sin on the show!

also on tonight's episode, bernie sanders gets a makeover. how to make impeachment sexy. and why santa claus has no time for your broke ass. so let's catch up on today's headlines. let's kick it off with the presidential race. this morning, former massachusetts governor deval patrick announced he is entering the democratic primary. and can i just say, democrats, what the ( bleep ) are you doing? ( laughter ) you don't have to keep replenishing the stock when the candidates drop out. this is an election, not sustainable fishing. there are too many people. it's nothing personal, governor, but there are already too many candidates in the race. look at those faces. just look at all of those faces. so thank you for throwing your hat in the ring. now pick it back up and get the ( bleep ) out of here, man. there are too many people! ( cheers and applause ) we don't need more democratic candidates. what we do need is more of bernie sanders living his best life. >> since his heart attack last month, senator bernie sanders

says he's living a totally different campaign lifestyle. changing his diet, his workout are you tine, and even his wardrobe. sanders, who used to frequent outback steakhouse on the campaign trail has opted for grilled fish and often a soup and salad. he even switched up his look. some allies have urged him to tame his signature unkept here and dress better. he's seen sporting more stylish sweaters. >> trevor: bernie! this is great to hear. he's eating better. he's working out. wouldn't it be dope if he worked out so much that he got super-ripped. just comes out, "the only good 1% is my body fat!" ( laughter ) and, look, i know some people are concerned about bernie's age, but, personally, it does not bother me. sure, bernie is 78 years old. but he's been 78 years for the past 40 years so he's a pro at this. i get why eating better is good

for his heart, but what does wearing stylish sweaters have to do with it? it's almost like his staff tricked him-- the doctor recommended more exercise and looking less like a science teacher who lives in his car." i will say, this is yet another example of how the rules don't apply to donald trump. because bernie has to fix his heart with exerciseet and ago healthy. meanwhile, trump is balls deep in a k.f.c. bucket, "i'm going to live forever, bitches!" let's move on to some international news where one of the most beautiful places on earth is in deep trouble. >> there is a state of emergency in venice tonight as the historic italian city deals with its worse flooding in more than 50 years. much of venice was submerged because of an exceptionally high tide, one man seen swimming in historic st. marks square. the mayor blaming it all on climate change. >> trevor: this is terrible to see, one of italy's most magical cities is completely under water. it's also crazy to see how

there's one guy, always one guy making the most of any disaster. i bet after the "titanic" sank, there was one dude in the water like, marco! marco! come on, guys!" but look, one way or another, i know venice is going to bounce back from this flooding. first of all, italy has fantastic plumbers, and, also, if anyone knows how to turn a disaster into a tourist attraction is italians. they've got a tower that's falling over, buildings that are crumbling, and a town swallowed by a volcano. their tourist slogan should be, "you should see the shit that happens to uman." finally, christmas is just around the corner which means it's time for santa to cash in. >> get ready to shell out big bucks to sit on santa's lap this year. >> harrods in london restricting santa visits to only allow families that have dropped $2500 in their store. on top of, that those families s who also make the cut have to buy a $25 ticket to visit santa. for those hoping to get v.i.p.

santa experience, good luck. the department store says it's already sold out. >> trevor: ho-ho-hold up. you have to pay $25 before you can see santa? if i'm paying $2500, santa better be dancing on my lap. let me see you working, nicklaus. that's right. i'll call you by your government name." i hope this doesn't inspire smiewvments with other magical creatures. otherwise, the tooth fairy is going to be check your house's value on zillow before she shows up. "sorry, i only work in homes that are a million up and, bye-bye!" also ydo kids have to see santa anymore? they should be sitting on jeff f bezos' lap. he's the one with all the presents, kids. you go to him. all right, that's it for the headlines. let's move on to our top story. ( cheers and applause ) yesterday was a historic day in america. i finally tried kombucha. yeah. ( laughter )

it's okay. but it was also a historic day because the house held its first public impeachment hearing where the ambassador to ukraine and the inventor of flubber both testified about president trump's quid pro quo with the president of ukraine. and this tsms a pretty big deal because for the first time, the american public heard from nawnl partisan officials about how the president abused his powers for personal gain. and even though millions of people have been talking about these hearings, over on fox news, their analysis of this impeachment is... meh. >> there is no way that normal, ordinary people, middle america are going to watch a hassle of lawyers going at it over the details of who said what to whom, some obscure official from a foreign country. >> this is about a transcriptave phone call with a country no one cares about. >> you can't follow he said/he said/she said/he said/he said. >> i don't know what language quid pro quo-- >> it's latin.

>> is it latin. >> it's latin to everybody. nobody understands that. >> no one can find ukraine on the map. if you ask the american people about ukraine, they don't know anything about it. >> trevor: according to fox news americans are too dumb to follow these impeachment proceedings. "the word 'impeachment'" is confusing. maybe we should call it a presidential boo-boo. would that help." when it was hillary's scandal, fox news was, "benghazi is a hot bed of support for sharia." when it's a donald trump scandal, all of a sudden they're like, "what's a ukraine? ukraine? do you crane? do i crane? frazier crane? the bird crane?" ( applause ) because, look, even if people don't understand every aspect about the ukraine scandal, that doesn't mean that they can't still grasp its importance. like, i don't know what a second

cousin once removed is. what i do know is i'm not supposed to marry them. ( laughter ) i'm sorry, she'll ai know it would make grandma happy, but it just can't happen. ( applause ) and fox news is coming up with all kinds of ways to convince people that even if you do have a ph.d. in ukraine-eology, these hearings still just aren't worth watching. in fact, sometimes if you watch forks it looks like they're straight-up trying to hypnotize their viewers into not caring. >> this has nothing to do with national security. it's all just an illusion. >> the whole thing is a charade. >> first know this-- it's important. everything you're going to see in the next two weeks is rigged. this is a phony show trial. there is zero due process, none. >> we don't want to overinflate its importance, which is question panel this is stupid. a week from now you won't remember the details. >> trevor: look deep into my eyes. ( laughter ) a week from now, you will

remember none of the details. and when i snap my fingers, you'll wake up and think racism only happens to white people. ( laughter ) 3, 2, 1-- snap! like, what is that? you know what's crazy that after the first day, the first day of the impeachment hearings, fox has already written off the entire process, which clearly shows you, they have no intention of being objective at all. they sound less like journalists and more like mean girls trying to sabotage someone's sweet 16. "i heard nobody's going. it's going to be, like, a stupid party, and ashley's dad is going to be the d.j. oh, my god!" i mean, like-- ( cheers and applause ) i don't know, i don't know if donald trump is going to be found guilty or not. but you've got to at least watch the full proceedings before you make a determination. otherwise, you don't have the full story. you know, like if you only watched the first half of "get out," you would just think it was a beautiful movie about an interracial couple. yeah, it would be like, her

family's kind of weird but every family is kind of weird." but if calling their viewers dumb or using mind control doesn't work, fox has come up with another reason to ignore want impeachment hearings and that is it is just not binge-worth i tv. >> there is not a single person outside the washington, d.c. beltway that gives a damn about what happened today. it was boring. >> it was kind of beering to watch on tv. >> it was a huge dud. >> there wasn't anything sexy about it. there was not some new, big piece of information that came out. >> with richard nixon, there was a break-in. with bill clinton, there was sex in the oval office. with trump, it's a phone call to ukraine. >> there's no burglary. there's no break-in. there's no tape. there's no dress. there's no sex. >> it's not a sexy scandal. russia was sex pep this has no intrigue whatsoever. >> trevor: whoa, whoa, whoa. you're saying trump's impeachment is boring and unsexy? you know if trump hears that it's going to piss him off,

right? he's going to come out like, "my impeachment will be the most exciting ever. i'm break into a hotel, and best believe, i'll jizz all over this dress. don't make me do it! don't make me do it! i'll do it!" ( applause ) "just make sure you wash itardses. i can't risk making another eric. don't want to take a chance." here's the thing, people-- these hearings are investigating whether the president of the united states committed high crimes or misdemeanors. so they're supposed to be serious, not about excitement. you know, impeachment is like a family reunion: if it's sexy, something has gone horribly wrong. ( laughter ) "sheila, please, don't make things weird at the barbecue. i'm begging you! please!" ( laughter ) now, look, here at "the daily show" we want to help fox viewers get into the impeachment spirit because this is a really important time in america. so if they can't pay attention to the scandal unless it's sexy, well then you know what?

we'll make it sexy upon. ( doorbell rings ). >> did somebody order some... military aid? >> i was getting so desperate for your missile. >> i'm going to need some dirt on joe biden first. ♪ ♪ >> put that quid in my quo. >> oh, i'll put the quid in your quo. i'm gog blow that whistle. >> oh, yeah. give me that dirt on joe biden. yeah, dirt on joe biden! i'm gonna quid! >> oh! ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: you happy now? we'll be right back.

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( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my first guest is the chairman of the los angeles clippers and founder of usafacts, a not-for-profit, nonpartisan initiative that is considered the go-to website for government data. please welcome former microsoft c.e.o. steve ballmer. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show." >> thank you very much.

>> trevor: how are things going in life? are you-- are you afraid? are you stressed right now? i mean, because you are, according to "forbes" a man who is a billionaire worth $51.7 billion. ( applause ) elizabeth warren, i heard, is coming for you. are you afraid? how are you feeling about this whole thing? is there a war on the billionaires? or how do you feel about it? >> i think there's a great discussion to be had about who should pay how much taxes. i personally would be fine with paying more. and yet the most-- ( cheers and applause ) hold on. >> trevor: hold on. he hasn't said how much. ( laughter ) >> i think the most important thing, frankly, is that people get the numbers, look at what's going on today. >> trevor: right. >> and then you can almost like assign a quota. you should pay this much tax. you should pay that. but it's got to be based on what we want to do. what do we want to do with the money? how much? who can pay? what other expenses can we cut? just get it right.

and then the will of the people will decide what should happen. and i'll be okay with it. >> trevor: that's really interesting-- >> whatever it is. >> trevor: you have always been one of the people who said, you said, "hey, i don't agree with this idea that the government can make the money it needs just by cutting costs, but at the same time, government has to do a better job of using the taxes that it collects, and as a billionaire, i'm willing to pay more. so you're not afraid in life. you're not stressed every day-- you're not waking up in the middle of the night like, "elizabeth!" ( laughter ) >> i wake up stressed every day! are we going to win tonight! >> trevor: oh, okay. ( applause ) let's talk about-- >> but i don't have any issues on the other front. >> trevor: that's good. i feel like-- i feel like the clippers, now more than ever, are not stressed. you have kawhi leonard on your team. you have an excitement in l.a. that i have never seen before. this is really a momentous occasion. and you're getting ready to build an arena for the l.a. clippers, which, please correct me if i'm wrong here-- apparently you're designing it so, like, the players can hear the crowd more. like, the roar goes into the

court. >> we want it to be most intense, hard-core, high-energy basketball junkies building in the world. ( applause ). >> trevor: let's talk about the real reason you're here, usafacts. you have create aid website geared towards facts. what is usafacts? >> usafacts.org is a website. i got into this four, five years ago, and i just wanted to understand, who pays how much taxes? what does the money get spent on? and what are the outcomes we get for all of that? and it was impossible to find. so i started just splunking around, trying to understand-- my wife had maid comment about where our tax goes or don't go. couldn't do it, got go it, and said i should share this with other people. it's very interesting to understand-- and by the numbers, by the numbers, part of the problem with words is they're

partisans. s ins don't know how to be partisan. we publish rammed reports by the government. >> trevor: you basically created the site because you wanted to break through the whole partisan breaking down of what news is. here's a fact: a person at home can decide what that fact means. some of the more interesting polls you have conducted on usafacts have ill liewlinate aid few things. for instance, we have a few of these slides here that we can pull up now, like some of the data facts. for instance, "how much do you trust information from the president?" republicans, 40%. democrats, 5%. ( laughter ) and then if you see the "not at all" is a big flip. republicans, only 15% say "not at all," 61% of dems. if you look at the next slide, for instance, we have another so this is just information that you're compiling for people.

you don't even give anybody an opinion on this. >> we do not. we explicitly don't give opinions. now, this was a poll we ran. as you pointed out, everything else we do is government data, but we need to know what we're doing. just take even the thing about academics and scientists, because you can react one way or another. the truth of the matter is a lot of what you see out of economists is forecasts. and on every forecast, you'll see one on the right and one on the left, and they'll say different things. i don't know what you would think. at microsoft, i didn't believe the forecast. i only believed what had actually happened. so all of these things have context, and that's why we to share what actually happened. >> trevor: if i were to say to you, steve ballmer, as somebody who is part of of usafacts, what do you hope americans would achieve by going to this website? what do you want people to get from the website? iit is free, nonpartisan, it is just facts you compiled. what do you hope to achieve. >> i hope we get to a point with not as much poarnlization. civil ieltzed dialogue. people can disagree about what

to do but at least be in the same place. we have a little fun thing coming out here soon for thanksgiving. you're going to sit around a table with relatives and people are going to disagree, and they're going to want to scream and yell at each other. so we have a thanksgiving fact sheet from usafacts. pull it out on your known. and you can say, "i'll get you the real data on that subject! boom! >> trevor: oh, wow! >> special for thanksgiving holiday. >> trevor: thanksgiving will never be the same. thank you so much for being on the show. you can check out all the data at usafacts.org. steve ballmer, everybody. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) i'm truly amazed at the effect that it has on people.

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>> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my next guest is a comedian and actor. you know him from "curb your enthusiasm" and "the goldbergs." his new netflix comedy special is called "jeff garlin: our man in chicago." please welcome jeff garlin! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> thank you! ( cheers and applause ) thank you! thank you. >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show." what's the camera? >> i take pictures as a matter of fact. homeland on.

hold on. now, that's a beautiful shot. ( laughter ) all right. bingo. i have a show going up at the leica gallery in l.a. in january, and one of these pictures might be in it. >> trevor: wait, so, what, like a professional photographer? >> yeah. yeah. ( laughter ) i have shots of jon. i always brought my camera. every talk show i go on, i bring it with me. even hoda and kathie lee. >> trevor: we have-- we have cameras. >> yeah, but it gets me. i don't want to see me. i want to see you. and, by the way, who else gets this perspective? ( cheers and applause ) by the way, and by the way, you are incredibly photogenic and handsome. >> trevor: thank you. thank you, jeff. ( cheers and applause ) this is-- i mean, this is-- wow. >> yeah. >> trevor: let me ask you this-- >> you can ask me anything you want. >> trevor: that's exactly what i

was going to ask you about is anything. no, jeff's one of the only people who has come to the show where-- like, most shows what you do is you'll, like, talk to the person before they come on. jeff was like, "i don't want to talk to you before. i don't want to know what you're"-- is this who you have been? or is it because on "curb your enthusiasm" everything is improvised? >> the only one i didn't do a preinterview was when jon was here. when you said we're going to do this. i said i don't want to know. i don't want to know. i like being in the moment and react ago i don't want to think about it ahead of time displu don't care about what happens. >> i don't care. >> trevor: i'm glad-- no, no, no, i'm glad-- i'm glad-- >> i'm full of joy. and i'm honored and thrilled to be here. let's use that. >> trevor: i am so glad you say that, because we have someone who claims to have your son. if you can come up... ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> oh, boy! oh, boy. >> trevor: let me ask you this.

like, when you're making a show like "curb your enthusiasm--" and i know there's another season coming up. >> yes. >> trevor: no spoilers or anything. >> january. >> trevor: when you're making a show like that where it's all improvised, have you ever worried before a scene that it's not going to be magic-- because we have seen the show. every scene is magic. >> no, never. you know, my standup is improvised. i go up and do an hour that's completely improvised. >> trevor: wait, your standup is improvised? >> every time i go up. except for-- well, here, okay. ( laughter ) first off-- first off, never-- it's what i do. it's what we do. larry david and i laugh all day long, both on and off camera. and it is so-- and larry david wrote the scenario. so i trust that it's going to work. and it does. and it's fun. sometimes he'll call me on the way home and go, "here's what we could have done." and we might do that. we've reshot things. >> trevor: all right. >> in general it works, it just works. >> trevor: so tell me about the

special, then, because you have a netflix special. >> yes. >> trevor: everyone knows that's what you've done for 20-odd years in standup-- >> 37 years. >> trevor: 37 years you've been improvising? >> yeah, yeah. ( applause ) so i started when i was 20. i'm 57. i don't people doing math. ( laughter ) but here's the thing, netflix says, "okay, we want you to do a special." >> trevor: right. >> i've kind of had that in my pocket for, like, three years. so i worked hard developing a show that was special. because when i was a kid, a comedy special was special. now, i'll have an opening act, six months later i'll go, "how are you doing?" oh, i just-- and i'll think to myself, oh, that's not going to be good. but, you know, they're funny. they're just not ready. so i worked hard to have a special that's not a "what's so special about my special?" i filmed-- i filmed-- the did two shows in one night. the first show, i did the beginning, middle, and the end. and the second show i went up and let it rip, and that's the

special i aired. >> trevor: that is amazing. >> i improvised a lot. it's too arrogant for me to say to netflix, "give me the money and it will work." it might, it might not. so that's just a risk in that situation. >> trevor: so what if you have a joke that crushes on a night, you just let that joke go? >> quite often, yes, i do. it was nice in the moment. >> trevor: but don't you think that's, like, a waste of jokes. we live in an environment-- there's climate change, like, turtles are being, like, strangled and you're throwing away jokes? this is wastage. >> here's why. >> trevor: you should be recycling the jokes. >> you know why i throw away jokes? >> trevor: why? >> because i always think of new ones. ( applause ) >> trevor: that's what makes you special. "jeff garlin: our man in chicago" is currently streaming on netflix. jeff garlin, everybody! we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause )

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>> trevor: well that's our show for tonight. thank you for tuning in. if you're in the boston area this weekend, i'll see you at my comedy show, friday, saturday, and sunday. otherwise, i'll see you right back here on monday. here it is, your moment of zen. >> peek-a-boo! ♪ ♪ captioning made possible by comedy central - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ [muffled]