>> laura: ok. if you don't think those things are going to take over, you're not paying attention. is anyone else squared that? looks like a bug -- scared by that? looks like a bug. thank you for watching. it is america now and forever. always check out lauraingraham.com. follow me on twitter. greg gutfeld takes it all from here. [applause] ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> greg: yes! happy, happy wednesday. it really is a wonderful wednesday, well, unless you live in washington d.c. then you're screwed. i mean, a nearly unanimous move, councilmembers in the nation's capitol voted to

soften penalties for violent crimes including carjackings, murder and sexual assault! the upside? well, now the courts won't have to deal with violent offenders. they could be free to prosecute gas-oven owners, and it's about time! the overall city's criminal code includes reduced maximum sentences and the elimination of nearly all mandatory minimum sentences. this is crazy! there's also provisions that let violent criminals ask for early release 20 years into their sentences in case they were too stupid to demand they go to the women's jail. grow your hair out for god's sake. so if you're in a drug cartel, maybe that migrant bus taking to you d.c. isn't such a bad idea after all. they initially passed this code in november but democrat mayor muriel bowser vetoed it. listen. >> anytime there's a policy that reduces penalties, i think it sends the wrong

message. it's the wrong way to go. >> greg: hm. her insurance must have approved stem cell treatments because it sounds like she finally grew a brain. maybe she could lend it to our president on the weekends. but this is the same lady behind the creation of blm plaza. trip visor says it's one -- adviser says it's one of the 10 best streets for getting beaten on a budget. she vetoed giving criminals free reign of the city but the last time i checked, thugs weren't exactly being sent to their room with no supper of the she was overruled this week by the council which claims they're not handing out harsh penalties any ways so let's get rid of them. so the ruling might make her look moderate but really she's as crazy as they are. here is how one councilman tried to spin it. >> it doesn't lessen the penalty. it lines up with what the courts are handing out. what people are looking at is on d.c.'s criminal code, many, many years ago, there was something added that added the possible maximum as up to 40

years in prison for an armed carjacking. that's not something the courts ever hand out. if anyone could explain to me what he said i'll give you a lollipop and a foot massage right here right now. tyrus? >> i don't want those. i'm just going keep it to myself. >> greg: ok! but this is a penalty for armed carjacking, not having overdue tapes from blockbuster video. they should all be getting the 40-year maximum, the same penalty they used at blockbuster video. >> attention, gutfeld drivers... >> greg: to the person who wrote this blockbuster joke, what year do you think it is? blockbuster's last store closed in 2019. let's try to keep the

references to things that actually exist like kiss my grits and who shot j.r.? i get those. any way, if these politicians are so worried about protecting armed carjackers, at least change the name to unplanned hitchhikers. violent thugs have feelings, too. so why this change? i mean, look at the stats on carjackings alone in d.c. in the past five years, they've sky rocketed. 148 back in 2018 to 485 last year. that's one for every twinkie and a navarro 8 in that time span. >> damn. >> greg: always clap. has anything been done to stop this? no! they're actually doing the opposite! apparently woke politicians only care about stolen cars if they still run on gas. so since you're a gutfeld viewer and you're smart and asking yourself, "self, why would the city council then want to reduce penalties for a crime that's exploding?" and because you're a gutfeld

viewer and you're smart, your answer would be, "because they're retarded!" >> urgent, a gutfeld apology. >> greg: my apologies for using a word normally used for describing the cast of "the view." but you have to wonder why they'd ease penalties for violent crime. it's all about criminal reparations. apparently we must reduce penalties against violent crime to make up for years of oppression. you see, criminals are the victims and they deserve damages for making them criminals. of course, this is racist to assume blacks or any minority would be like, "wow, thanks guys! you know i wasn't planning to carjack someone, but now i might be!" because apparently there are only minority criminals and not minority victims. the d.c. attorney general doesn't even hide it tweeting, "reforms to d.c.'s 122-year-old criminal code passed before women and black residents enjoyed fundamental rights are sorely needed. this bill will improve public safety and provide long overdue clarity and fairness

in our justice system." i'm sure those words will be comforting at the funeral when some black or hispanic parent is burying their kid who was murdered for his nissan. it's not about safety. it's about retroactive equity. if they were victims of the past, you shall now be victims in the future. the new crim code doesn't even tabling -- the new criminal code doesn't even take effect until 2025. so if you live out in washington d.c., get out right now in your car instead of later in a hearse. >> here he is... >> greg: let's welcome tonight's guests. he's had more people killed than the clintons, former cia operative and author of the new book "company rules," mike baker! [applause] his shows are like a barrel of monkeys. they stink and are full of parasites. actor and comedian and writer

jamie. she's just like a classified document often found on the floor next to an old car. fox news contributor kat timpf. [applause] and finally, he eats his dinner off tectonic plates. my massive sidekick and the nwa world heavyweight champion tyrus. [applause] mike, first, congratulations on your new book. here to tell us what it's about? >> yes, i would, and thank you for asking in this. it's called "company rules." it's on the scribd platform which is the netflix of books, as you know. >> greg: i didn't know that. >> the whole idea is -- look, it's an audio book. it's an audio book. i don't know enough big words to write an actual book, right? but the good news for the viewing audience is that i narrate it myself. >> that was my question. yeah. >> exactly. and it's very soothing.

>> greg: yeah, even though you say almost nothing and your sentences are a jumbled mess of incoharness, it's still soothing -- incoherent, it's still soothing. >> that's what my kids say all the time. it's not about my time in the cia. it's what happened when i got out of the agency, with a limited set of skills, certainly not business-wise, started and kept a business moving. there were certain principles i took away with me from my cia days that helped me not only in business but in life. >> greg: i didn't ask what the book was about. >> do i have time? >> greg: thank you, everybody. be sure to watch -- no. what do you think is behind this? do you think my theory is correct? please say yes. >> i honestly do i can't put this any simpler. if you don't have consequences for actions, you will have increased crime. if you denigrate the police,

you'll have increased crime. that's as simple as it goes. and i used to live in d.c. years ago for a brief period of time. it was poorly run then. it's poorly run now. mayor bowser tried to -- who by the way i loved on shanana -- tried to do the right thing -- that was quite the cultural pull -- >> greg: three people got that joke and they're throwing up. >> no. how many people got that joke? right? a lot. yes! [applause] yes! you asked. >> greg: i shouldn't have asked. get to the point, mike. >> my point is even in the city where the mayor -- >> he's still talking! >> yeah, i know. >> did i tell you about my book. >> i went away and came back and you were still talking. >> the book is 47 hours just so you know. >> now you know what it's like living with me. i'm done. >> greg: ok. jamie, does this inspire you to take up carjacking? because i know you're going through a rough period right now. i think you're actually living in a car. so --

>> yeah, honest to goodness, carjacking scares me, just the whole idea of it. it scares me so much i fashioned my career to never be able to afford a nice car. >> greg: that's good. good for you. >> i'm so worried about it. because you never heard of a bus jacking. >> greg: no. that's true. that is true. >> i saw a bus jacking once but it's a different kind of -- um. [chuckles] i can say one quick thing about blockbuster video? >> greg: sure. >> do you know that the very last standing blockbuster video is in fact where i lived in fairbanks, alaska. that's true. the last time i went in there, it was the remake of ghostbusters that came out. it was up on the shelf on new releases -- remember that? they said, if you like this, you'll also like... and there was an arrow pointing to a bowl of [bleep] [chuckling] >> greg: i can't believe you took a reference about something that does this and then you did a joke on it because you had it on the

little back of your brain. yeah, i have a joke about blockbuster. that is what you did. >> i feel like you could read my mind. >> greg: no one likes a joke about crime, kat. what do you make of this? this is crazy. do you think this is the radical punishment of a society they believe deserves it? >> i think carjacking is bad. >> greg: thank you. [chuckling] >> i mean, there's -- i think that there's plenty of laws on the books that, you know, punish people for doing something that maybe only hurts themselves. carjacking is not one of those. i don't think about a carjacking. i'm not, oh no, i hope that person that did it gets to come outside again soon. i don't know that anybody is out there thinking about this. so i think that no matter what you think about criminal justice, you have to be against when it comes to violent crimes, because either, you know, it's going to be violence all over the place but eventually then maybe that pendulum will swing in another direction and we're going to have a super, super strict police state.

nobody should be pro-violence except for criminals themselves which we shouldn't be catering to. >> greg: yeah, you know, but the thing is tyrus -- there isn't -- there has to be a reason for this. if every sensible person sees this as nuts and yet they unanusly vote for it -- unanimously vote for it, what are we missing? if you do the cognitive empathy and pretend you're them, what are they thinking? >> they explain the wrong things. they say armed carjacking. no kidding you need arms to jack a car. that's pretty basis. you can't -- you know, if you have a pistol in your hand, people will get out of it. that should be the key thing. they're talking about very specific carjacking that they're reducing the time for. i mean, somebody puts a gun in your face and says, "get out!" and you better make sure the tank's at least half full because how irritating would that be if you jacked a car and you had to gas up. >> yes! >> do you know what i'm saying? what it is is like when i was a child, you had to make choices. you would say, "mommy.

i want to be an outlaw." she said, "no, if you become an outlaw, you'll go to jail." now it's like, "mommy, i want to be an outlaw." you can steal cars, build a career, photophasebook and become a carjacking influencer and be -- put it on facebook and become a carjacking influencer and be fine. >> the law-abiding citizens of washington d.c. are unanimously against this move. the criminals love it. it serves no purpose. i was just sitting here thinking about your point -- and you're right, there's no logical reason why they're pushing this. >> greg: that's why it has to be a punitive, symbolic kind of thing. >> uneffected people -- like when you saw him in this little interview safe in his office, he's saying, oh, meanwhile the mayor has experienced some form of carjacking or someone in her family or someone she knows, the uneffected or effected. as progressive as she is, she

doesn't want any more carjackings. she's saying this is bad. it hasn't happened to that group yet and they probably don't live in the city. >> greg: they need to feel the consequences of their policies. it's like when the buses took the migrants to the cities. get these criminals to where these people live so they know what it's like. that guy is the poster child, the beta-male white progressive. >> i knew it was going to be a white guy before you even said anything. >> surprising number on the city council. >> greg: all right. we have to move on. up next, elitist snobs uin the disinformation fight. i'd like to thank our sponsor liberty mutual. they customize your car insurance, so you only pay for what you need. contestants ready? go! only pay for what you need. jingle: liberty. liberty. liberty. liberty.

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>> greg: welcome back. they fear freedom of speeches in a meeting of leeches. the annual world economic forum or awef is underway in switzerland which is a real

place, i'm told. it's a meeting of the wealthy and powerful. world leaders, economists, titans of industry and, of course, brian stelter so, wait, he's an elite now? maybe at hot dog eating. that was mean. you're right, greg, it was. his show got lower ratings than andrew cuomo's hugs. what's he doing there? yeah, cnn's former chief potato hosted a panel on disinformation and hate speech proving he's still a reliable source of crap. the panelists ranged from leftists to far leftists including the publisher of the "new york times" who by the way inherited daddy's paper. >> if you look at this question of disinformation, i think it maps basically to every other major challenge that we are grappling with in this society and particularly the most existential among them. >> greg: that from the paper that downplayed the holocaust. look that up, by the way and

here is the vice president of the european commission who made this prediction about speech in america. >> illegal hate speech which you also have in the u.s. -- i think that -- um, we have strong reason why we have this in the criminal law. >> greg: oh, thank you, vera. god, i hate vera. so let me get this straight. some european politician says we're going to soon see illegal hate speech here in america? well, who are you just sitting there like a paperweight? brian stelter. you would be sluggish if you ate 50 pounds of swiss chocolate. jamie, um, you know, you told me you've been following dabos very closely. you're considered quite the expert on this meeting. can you give us a summary assessment of what it is. is it important? should we be paying attention to it? >> the summary of letters is o.f. is b.s. how boring is this thing? i feel like there's nothing

brian stelter would turn down as a job. his e-mail reply is "i'll take it." i hate to go for the -- did you know this is the first time that he's ever been on a summit? >> greg: oh really? >> yeah. he's more of a gutter guy. um, by the way, i'm looking at him -- i'm just saying top of the thank you. >> top of the mountain. usually hangs at the bottom. the summit. >> thank you, i didn't need that. i hate to make fun. you know what they say the camera adds 10 chins so -- can i do one more? i think it was a misunderstanding. i don't think he wanted to host this thing. the e-mail said, do you want to host? and he thought cupcake. i was at a bar one time.

i asked for stelter water. they brought me a pint of blue cheese. >> greg: it gets better. he's got to get through the awful one and then -- he starts off with an awful one. second one is better. then he ends with the best one. did you get through them all? >> i think that's everything. right at the bottom it says, keep going. that's funny. >> greg: we never get invited to this stuff. >> what the hell would we do there besides drool? even the guy who was hosting it -- did you actually hear what he said? did anyone bother to hear what he said? well, the problems are forth and major and whatnot and existential and therefore we are my forefathers and thus there is a bar. they literally just talk to hear themselves talk. they don't have any real problems. they're first-worlders and they're having this huge

summit as if anyone is actually going to come away from that going, "hey, did you hear the message from that summit?" no the only reason why we're talking about it is his nemesis returned. that's the only reason. state puff is back and it's never over. it's never over. wherever you are, -- zoom in here, wherever you are, assaulter, gutfeld will -- stelter, gutfeld will find you. there's nowhere to host. if you were hosting a garage sale, gutfeld would be there. >> greg: you thought by going to switzerland you'd be outside of the clause of this show. i just showed you i could find you, bring you back in and devour you like a giant, fleshy marshmallow. you know, kat, i don't think he's about solving the big problems. if they solved the big problems, there wouldn't be dabos. >> it's a circle jerk. >> greg: that's what she just said. >> i believe that's the word

that you're looking for. >> that's what jill abramson said it was. a circle jerk. >> oh, i'm going to die. >> i call a circle jerk when i see it. anybody who calls themself a disinformation expert is really just you're admitting you're a know-it-all because all of us are wrong sometimes and you can't be -- just calling yourself that doesn't mean you're not wrong. i just wonder did stelter believe his own hype? is he like, i am this -- or does he cry himself to sleep at night? does he believe it or does he not? i don't know. does he -- does he -- because he doesn't have a job, you know? >> no, he's at harvard. he's at harvard. >> yeah, for now. he wants to be on tv obvi obviously. >> kat, he got fired for disinformation. even when they told him to stop doing t he kept doing it. i -- stop doing it, i kept doing it. i kind of feel he is an expert in disinformation.

>> in creating it. >> in creating it. >> greg: mike, it's, you know, when rich people hire safe crackers to tell them how to make a good safe in their house, right? see that as an analogy? >> that just reminded me of something. oh my gosh. my boyfriend got so mad when i let the tweaker who lived next to us break into our apartment because i forgot the key. he was so mad. now he's going to want to get in. looks like he did. >> greg: that's an interesting story. last word, mike. >> you know what? i've been to dabos. >> greg: who'd you kill there? >> apparently not enough of 'em. but it was -- >> greg: you're no prince harry. >> i got a volume discount on that one. the only thing worse to attend i think would be like a crossfit convention. >> greg: yes! >> but i think it's -- to tyrus' point, look, stelter, he's -- he's spewing disinformation. now he's hosting a panel. nobody there gets the irony,

right? >> greg: yeah. >> then afterwards he goes to his hotel and i picture him sitting in a big tub of fondue, right? and like all the panelists dipping bread cubes into the fondue, you know? i don't know why i had that image in my head. >> thank you for sharing. >> it's like you're reading my mind. >> greg: it's weird. i haven't had fondue in a long time. >> it's good! gregg i'm lactose intolerant so it could be a problem. >> that's not good. you could do a chocolate fondue. >> greg: that'll be lovely. what time? chocolate fondue. that's what we call it. >> when i got sent this article. >> greg: yes. >> i heard people called it a corrupt circle jerk. i'm like, i'm not googling that. i don't need that to be part of my search history. >> greg: all right. up next, she'll bring you to be clears." td can be caused by some mental health meds. and it's unlikely to improve without treatment. i felt like my movements were in the spotlight.

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brought to you by adt. (engine accelerates) ♪ ♪ we will, we will rock you ♪ ♪ the gmc sierra with hands free driving offers the most advanced and luxurious pickup in its class. ♪ we will, we will rock you ♪ yeah, it rocks. >> greg: where trump got a raid, biden got legal aid. the justice department decided against having fbi agents monitor the president's legal

team as they searched his delaware homes for classified docs. the reason the d.o.j. declined is biden's attorneys deemed cooperating with the investigation. now according to our very own peter doocy, he really is our very own -- sometimes i'll just think about him. where am i? even though the d.o.j. didn't send f.b.i. agents to monitor the search, they had some officials on site at biden's house both sides agreed that joe's personal attorneys would inspect his homes and give the d.o.j. a heads up as soon as they found anything else. right! imagine if i got that deal, right? sir, do you have a missing hitchhiker tied up at your house? no, officer, but i'll go look and call you if i find anything. ok, sounds good, mr. gutfeld! see ya later! ha-ha-ha! never happened and this whole report dropped after white house press secretary careen jeanne

pierre was asked if the d.o.j. situation could be deemed independent if biden's lawyers were doing the searching which means it's time for... kpg's clear very want clear be to i. damn it! i want to be very clear! ok? welcome to "i want to be very clear." it's where i play a clip from the white house press secretary and you try to figure out what the [bleep] she's talking about. first one... >> just to be very, very clear, um, and, look, i've also been very clear about being prudent from here. i was also being very clear about being consistent from here and not going, um, beyond what is currently happening. >> greg: jamie? any idea? >> i watched this with closed captions on and it just showed a question mark. >> greg: all right, let's try another one. >> this is an ongoing matter, right? this is an ongoing legal process that's happening currently and we're going to continue what we've been doing for the last

two years. >> greg: baker, doesn't she sound like you? >> she does! >> greg: ha-ha! >> i really like her! >> greg: right? all right,one more. >> they have been engaged with all of you. i know, again, they did a 45-minute, um, call with many of -- if not you but many of your colleagues. somebody here had said 30 minutes, but it was not. it was actually 45 minutes. they miscounted. and so that was important. they will continue to engage with all of you. >> 45 minutes doesn't matter if it's just 45 minutes of that! >> sending signals! >> she's not saying anything. >> mr. baker, you know signals. she's blinking and sending a signal the whole time she's talking. help. get me out of this. this isn't the job i thought it was. she's blinking and sending morse code to us. there's more documents. there's more. i'm not allowed to say anything. >> greg: she's just cruising through this job right now.

she knows she has to do it for a year only and she'll get a job at msnbc. >> in her defense, look who she has to talk to about, mr. president, what's the plan? i have to get the oatmeal and dartboard before free cornpop. i peed. then she has to explain that to anybody. >> not a joke. not a joke. not a joke. not a joke. not a joke. >> greg: jamie, so i guess hunter biden showed up at the garage where they had the classified documents. >> is that right? >> greg: yeah, that's right. i know you miss having a garage or -- >> damn it, man! >> greg: i heard you live in one near the shoe factory. is that true? >> listen, i did plug in my car tuesday night and fly here. that's not a joke. we don't have -- like it's 30-below zero. i'm saving up for a garage and i'm going to live in that and have to figure out where to park my car. this poor woman, though, you guys are so right. this poor woman has to take

nonsense and turn it into other nonsense. what a double-standard. shut up about the classified documents. what an absolute double-standard. and then -- but also, i feel you could give biden a pass because, of course, he doesn't know what's classified. this guy has -- do you know what i mean? this guy has no idea. i heard he thought he was mailing it to the government and he put it in the microwave. he's like, oh, it'll be there in one minute. i'm going to pretend it's a baked potato so no one knows what it is. why is there oatmeal in the mailbox? [laughter] >> i peed. >> this might not be the right place to do this but i wish -- i wish there was a tv show where it was just biden talking to his goldfish and it would be called "nice to meet you." and it would just be them going back-and-forth. hey, little guy. who are you, big guy? look at this little fella. >> greg: yeah, this wasn't the right place to pitch it. >> it'd be like the next netflix

thing. >> maybe biden doesn't know at all? hunter is not very good at hiding things. the laptop, bad move. the pistol, worse move. baby by a str stripper, terrible move and randomly hiding classified documents in random parts of your parents' house because you know your dad can't look for it anymore because everyone is looking for him. >> greg: i have a theory, mike. want to hear it? >> i would love to. >> greg: this is all the reason for hunter biden's art is he goes to the garage, gets the documents, slips them into the frame of the paintings and then sells them for hundreds of thousands of dollars to donors. what say you, mike baker? >> well, i thought you were going to take it one step further which would be my favorite subject which is kicking the chinese regime under xi jinping in the ass. nothing will come from the

special prosecutors from biden. maybe these funding of the penn/biden center. he idea they put millions and millions and millions of dollars into this penn/biden center which hasn't been around for a long time. >> greg: yeah, $50 million. >> calling me cynical. >> greg: i would never do that. i'm calling you something else. >> we'll talk about that later. that's all i got. >> greg: all right, thank you. oh. he never has the last word. kat? thoughts? >> yeah, i think probably in general there's just too many documents that are classified. like, i want to know more stuff. >> greg: right. >> but if you're going to classify all this stuff, you don't get to just hide it. i also think it's funny they're saying, well, he's cooperating so that's why we're letting them just conduct it. that never works for anybody on the first 48. >> greg: no, never! you cooperate, you go to the chair. >> you go to prison. >> kat, that's absolutely

correct. overclassification of the documents is a problem in the federal government. yet they'll do nothing about it. >> greg: there's a show called "declassified." coming up, they're mad, alone and hefty and keep voting lefty. by cardiologists. it was proven superior at helping people stay alive and out of the hospital. don't take entresto if pregnant; it can cause harm or death to an unborn baby. don't take entresto with an ace inhibitor or aliskiren, or if you've had angioedema with an ace or arb. the most serious side effects are angioedema, low blood pressure, kidney problems, or high blood potassium. ask your doctor about entresto.

>> greg: welcome back! single women and their cats mostly vote for democrats. yes, the 2022 election showed the rise of a new progressive voting block, the single woke female defined as unmarried women without children. with "woke" meaning both very liberal and woke up alone next to some cat puke. so apparently this means democrats are competing for the same customers as sweatpants. sexists would say! [laughter] >> don't cancel me. that was [bleep] funny. >> greg: in the midterm, 68% of them voted for democrats.

the remaining 32% wrote, "i love coconut water. do you have any coconut water?" i thought that was better! the group is much larger than it used to be and not because they put on lockdown weight, mike. the number of married women reaching 30% last year. it's bad for birthrate but it's good for single serve chardonnay and lifetime television it won't be changing anytime soon. 61% of single men said they're currently looking for dates. only 38% of single women said the same thing. although that may have been a roos to avoid requests by jamie. women could do anything men can do, including having a penis. oh, i don't like that.

kat, you are the female here. i don't consider you woke at a all. isn't it weird? seems like these are the worst women for women because, a, they deny sex differences and, b, they don't give any agency for women, so women can't even consent to sex. it's like they can change their mind because they're always victimized or marginalized. they can't be strong and they actually can't be women. >> there are some that are like that. i don't think this describes everyone. i've been a married women for only a year and a half and i'm 34. i was an unmarried childless woman for a long time. it could happen to anybody. i'm proof of that. these people are like, i'm not looking. i was like, neither was i. it'll get you. >> greg: yes, it's like a covid strain. >> it'll get you. you have no idea. but, you know, i think that not everybody who is a conservative is socially conservative and

judgmental of nontraditional lifestyles but a lot of people who are judgmental of nontraditional lifestyles are conservative. and i think that maybe some people can't see past those things and you should focus on being a bit of a bigger tent and less on social issues. democrats do it, too, obviously. they gate keep their own party, too. >> greg: i don't know what she said jamie. i just worry about you because you, um, this could hurt you. you need to find a woman to talk to in your garage. >> yeah, i don't believe this. >> greg: no? >> because i've been looking. so i guess they're also liars. seriously, i don't even feel qualified to talk. you know me. i'm going to be single forever. i try. there's nowhere to go. you get farmersonly.com. there's only farmers. i can't do that i can't go on match.com. i'm not an arsonist. i say screw it, i want a

sandwich. i go to grinder.com. i'm just glad i ordered the 6-inch. it says right here -- >> greg: ha-ha! that was good. >> it says do not say that one right here. it's tough, though. i feel bad for these women. i feel bad for myself. dating after 40 is like moving without hiring professional movers. there's ducts everywhere. things don't fit. all the boxes are dented. >> oh my god! ha-ha. >> what? >> greg: i don't know what that means. >> they ordered the big sub. >> greg: ha-ha! tyrus, most of your fans are women who have been married for 50 years. >> yes. yes. yes. listen, i did my part. i gave four of them kids. i'm trying. there's only so much you can do. there's only so many hours a day you can hide from your phone. the problem for them is -- here is the deal. fellas, when we're in our 20's,

we're like rabbits. when we're in our 30's, we become like lions. when we get in those 40's, we're like, well, i made it this far. we focus on other things like building on a new car or buying my first house with a garage or whatever it is. we no longer want to deal with the courtship. so guys start focusing on other things. so then there's that group that we're just, you know, how do i say this? um. >> greg: i'm scared. >> too bitchy to go out with so you leave them to themselves these poor cats get stuck with them. the cats don't want this. >> i highly recommend getting a cat as a single woman. >> all the pressure they put on the cat. they give the cat voices. here is the difference. the cat, as long as you're feeding them, they'll stay. but when you start finishing our sentences, we want to leave.

you know what i'm saying? we have little nicknames. they want to dress us up and do all of that kind of stuff. we want to get the hell out of town. the cat is like, as long as i'm being fed, they'll hang around. as soon as you stop feeding them or you leave the window open, they're out. >> greg: like my baker. you leave the window open, he's gone. >> that's how i leave the fox building. just open the window. >> greg: care to add anything uplifting about this? you're a happily married man. you're on your sixth marriage, right? >> yes, me and tony randall and larry king. um, no, i got [bleep] when it comes to talking about single woke women. >> eloquent. >> i couldn't imagine being in the dating pool like jamie. i couldn't imagine that. and i'm worried for you. >> i'm trying. >> find a hobby. find a hobby. >> a hobby. yes. yes. yes. >> travel the world! >> you could get your friends to help you raise a garage. >> greg: wouldn't that be nice?

>> you should get a cat. >> a lot of this is funny but also feels bad inside. >> greg: ha-ha! >> feel better with a cat! >> all right, we have to move on. but that was fun. up next, a lefty loon couldn't tell the difference between the spun and moon. -- between the sun and moon. i go to spin classes with my coworkers. good for you, shingles doesn't care. because no matter how healthy you feel, your risk of shingles sharply increases after age 50. but shingrix protects. proven over 90% effective, shingrix is a vaccine used to prevent shingles in adults 50 years and older. shingrix does not protect everyone and is not for those with severe allergic reactions to its ingredients or to a previous dose. an increased risk of guillain-barré syndrome was observed after getting shingrix. fainting can also happen. the most common side effects are pain, redness, and swelling at the injection site, muscle pain, tiredness, headache, shivering, fever,

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>> the story in five words. >> five words, chelsea, moon and sun identical. chelsea handler said on jimmy fallon last week she thought the sun and moon were the same thing until she was 40 years old. do you believe her? >> i do believe her. i find her very credible. >> greg: yes! >> yes is the answer. >> greg: yes is the answer? you think she's that stupid? >> yes is also the answer to that question. look, i had the good fortune of doing a show with her one time so i can 100% believe this story. >> greg: yeah. jamie, what about you? she says it took her until she was on a trip to africa with her sister she learned there's a difference between the sun and moon. how is that possible? >> yeah, i think this is an easy mistake to make if you think back to the first words neil armstrong said. he was like, this is -- oh, ouch, my feet! [laughter]

>> you know, if we give him a chance, he'll tell a uran us joke. >> greg: do you have anymore? >> this is a joke i did not thought -- like dumb things i thought -- i swore to god i thought local anesthesia meant they got it from around here. >> greg: that's pretty funny. >> for real. >> greg: since we're doing this, i thought veal, tyrus, came from a veal. >> like an animal? >> everybody has this stuff. one of my friends in college is one of the smartest people i know, she thought goats were male sheep until 20 years old. >> this is really beyond -- this is like -- knowing a -- not knowing a veal is -- >> i know the sun and the moon are different and she still has a more money than i do so -- >> greg: tyrus? >> surrounded by dumba sses!

so eclipse just blew her mind then? >> greg: she's got you speechless! >> because we're talking about it and that's why i'm mad. there's no jokes anymore. the ratings clearly show that. so now they go on the show and go, look, we have to do something. what is the dumbest [bleep] you possibly could say that the little guy will talk about. >> greg: that's me! >> the king -- we need -- if we say something dumb, gutfeld will talk about it, we'll get some ratings and maybe they won't take my $80 million away and mission accomplished, because she didn't know the difference between the sun and the moon when literally certain times of the day you could see them both clearly up in the sky at the same time. >> you know, for a long time i thought yasir arafat and ringo

starr were the same person. >> that's fine. when you killed one and the other one showed up, you were like, oh! ringo's real. >> thank god i didn't kill the drummer. >> greg: that should be the title of your book. [laughter] >> greg: don't go away.ro we'll be right back.ut try vicks vapocool drops with two times more menthol per drop*, and the powerful rush of vicks vapors for fast-acting relief you can feel. vicks vapocool drops. fast relief you can feel. >> tech: when you have auto glass damage, trust safelite. this dad and daughter were driving when they got a crack in their windshield. [smash] >> dad: it's okay. pull over. >> tech: he wouldn't take his car just anywhere... ♪ pop rock music ♪ >> tech: ...so he brought it to safelite. we replaced the windshield and recalibrated their car's advanced safety system, so features like automatic emergency braking will work properly. >> tech: alright, all finished. >> dad: wow, that's great. thanks. >> tech: stay safe with safelite. schedule now. >> singers: ♪ safelite repair, safelite replace. ♪

so it's decided, we'll park even deeper into parking spaces so people think they're open. surprise. [ laughs ] [ horn honks, muffled talking ] -can't hear you, jerry. -sorry. uh, yeah, can we get a system where when someone's bike is in the shop, then we could borrow someone else's? -no! -no! or you can get a quote with america's number-one motorcycle insurer and maybe save some money while you're at it. all in favor of that. [ horn honking ] there's a lot of buttons and knobs in here.

thanks to mike baker. our studio inc. [indiscernible] >> thank you good evening and welcome to america's late news. fox news @ night. i'm trace gallagher in los angeles. the neck >> the florida republican congressmen, greg stute, fell off as we got home and is now i the hospital. the latest on his condition and moments. also, protests after a teenage girl encountered a naked man showering and the girls locker room