it's a baby bump. >> i love social media. before-- i'm 40 so, like, back in the day, when we didn't have it, you really couldn't rebuke anything. you couldn't speak for yourself. >> stephen: but not as many people could attack you at once. >> this is true, by the way. yes! that's the saddest part is it's got tone a negative place. if anybody posts anything negative of me, you're blocked. i mute you. you're erased from my world. >> stephen: have you ever asked anyone for $1 billion? that's a thing now. that's a thing now. >> i know. you can ask for money. no, i have not. >> stephen: i understand that you and your loved one-- what's his name. >> pepe. >> stephen: that you have a very competitive valentine's day. >> oh, yes, yes. every valentine's we do couples war. >> stephen: what is that-- >> it's a war of couples. >> stephen: like, "i love you more!" >> no, no, we do games for points. so we have different categorys. we have, like, the newlywed game, and we have sports

some sports. then we have minute to win it games, which are these stupid, no-talent-needed games gli don't love my wife enough. i didn't realize you could turn it into a contest. >> i said we are hosting. we shouldn't win. that would be so distasteful. and we got last place. i was like i don't want to get last. >> stephen: "telenova" is coming up on its final episode of the season. >> necessary monday. the season finale. it went so fast. >> stephen: it's about a spanish language soap opera but it itself is not span irish. >> stephen: is it a tele-commedia. who to you play? >> it's like "30 rock" or one of those shows, where it's behind scenes of a soap opera. i play a star of the spanish soap. >> stephen: i would hope so. >> who doesn't speak spanish. >> stephen: she doesn't speak spanish? >> no. >> stephen: does she have to pretend she can speak spanish? >> she has the thing in her ear.

>> and she repeat it. she doesn't know what she's saying. >> stephen: do you speak spanish gido now, but i didn't eye grew up in texas. >> stephen: yes. >> oooh! texas! is there you have said this your family is more american than bill o'reilly. >> i'm ninth generation american. >> stephen: so nine generations in the united states. ( applause ). >> yeah. >> stephen: wow. >> yes! >> stephen: how long has your family lived in texas? >> nine generations? ( laughter ). >> stephen: i'll do the math. we don't have a lot of time. >> 1603. >> stephen: 1603. >> 1603 was the spanish land grant and my family lived under five different flags without moving. we didn't cross the border. the border crossed us. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: that's hoot. that's hot. is that written on something? >> it is! >> stephen: you have to put that, like oa plaque in your house or something. that's really nice. >> texas is a special place. >> stephen: yeah, it is. yes. no one's saying it isn't. that really sounds only like

you're a really special person. ( laughter ) well, listen, can you stick around? i want to talk a little more. >> i will. >> stephen: we'll come right back with more eva longoria. ( cheers and applause ) now the #1 selling brand for frequent heartburn. get complete protection with the new leader in frequent heartburn. that's nexium level protection. some people know how to make an entrance. to thrive under pressure. to reject the status quo. and they have no problem passing the competition. the aggressive new 2016 lexus gs 350 and 200 turbo. once driven,

with total accumulation of up to three feet. roads will be shut down indefinitely. and schools are closed. campbell's soups go great with a cold and a nice red. made for real, real life. life as spokesbox is great. people love me for saving them over half a grand when they switch to progressive. so i'm dabbling in new ventures. it was board-game night with the dalai lama. great guy. terrible player. go paperless don't stress, girl i got the discounts that you need it's a balancing act, but i got to give the people what they want -- more box. any words for the critics? what can i say? critties gonna neg. [ applause ] the what?!

, everybody. i'm here with the lovely eva longoria. now, eve annot only "telenova" ( band playing ) , which, again its final episode is coming up this week. >> monday. >> stephen: monday. and it's about a spanish soap opera so you play an actress in a spanish soap opera but you were an actress on a soap opera. >> yes, i was on "the young & the restless." >> stephen: i gotta have my stories. >> that's what my mom says. >> stephen: people always

>> on soaps. >> stephen: on sops. they're so over the top. no one would be that catty, that bitchy with each other. >> except the primary s. >> stephen: this year the political candidates on both sides are scratching each otheree eyes out, get me a saucer of milk. we looked at last saturday's debate and we were sort of inspired. we went and looked at some of the debates and we put together dialogue from the debates spp and we would-- you and i, could we act it out. >> yeah! that would be fun! >> stephen: i want to remind everybody out there, we did not write anything you're about to hear. these are transcripts of actually things that were said between people-- adults-- who want to be president of the united states. here we go.

this guy's lied-- let me just tell you, this guy lied. he's a nasty guy. >> when you point to donald's own record, he screams, "liar, liar, liar." ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: that's a lot of lies. ( laughter ) ted will say anything to get a vote. knows what i said on univision because he doesn't speak spanish. >> marco, si quieres diselo ahora mismo, diselo en espanol, si quieres? si quieres? ( laughter ) unlike another woman in this race, i actually love spending time with my husband.

her entire life on a quest for power, and she has avoided prosecution more times than el chapo. ( laughter ) ( applause ) the season finale of "telenovela" airs monday, february 22, at 8:30 on nbc. eva longoria, everybody! we'll be right back.

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the son of a polish immigrant who grew up in a brooklyn tenement. he went to public schools, then college, where the work of his life began -- fighting injustice and inequality, speaking truth to power. he moved to vermont, won election and praise as one of america's best mayors. in congress, he stood up for working families and for principle, opposing the iraq war, supporting veterans. now he's taking on wall street and a corrupt political system funded by millions of contributions, tackling climate change to create clean-energy jobs, fighting for living wages, equal pay, and tuition-free public colleges. people are sick and tired of establishment politics, and they want real change! [ cheers and applause ] bernie sanders -- husband, father, grandfather,

building a movement with you to give us a future to believe in. i'm bernie sanders, and i approve this message. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my next guests are the hilarious duo behind the hit show "broad city," which premieres its third season tomorrow night on comedy central. ( cheers and applause ) >> new york is europe. i love it. every time i walk town the street i'm like. >> do german. >> yak! >> australian. >> aye. >> spanish? do chinese? >> are you kidding? no.

>> i'm sorry. please welcome abbi jacobson and ilana glazer, ladies and gentlemen. thanks so much for being here. >> what a pleasure. >> thanks for having us. >> stephen: congratulations ogz the premiere tomorrow night on season three and for being picked up for seasons four and five. that is great news. >> thank you. >> stephen: the characters you play on the show are real slackers but you're not. you're executive producers. >> yeah, baby. like-- would you be anything like your characters if you didn't have to work all the time? >> yeah. i feel like on the weekends, we're more like our characters. >> yeah, we put a hoodo immediately. >> stephen: that's it? that's character change? >> that's it. no, yeah. >> stephen: you can't possibly smoke one-fifth the weed that your characters do, though. ( laughter ) and achieve anything. >> yeah, that's true. we smoke less than on the show. but we do-- ( laughter ) we smoke, though. >> stephen: by which you mean

by which you mean none at all. >> none at all, children. >> stephen: we have a fairly large preteen audience. >> by which we mean none at all. >> stephen: you play play ilana glazer. when you are out on the streets, are you mistaken for your charactering? i have some idea what that is like. do people mistake you? >> all the time. >> stephen: what do they expect from you that you're never going to be like? >> they want to get high right there, right then. >> they want to smoke with us. >> it's, no, no, no. that's frightening. i'm going to freak out and leave. it's no, no, no. but sometimes people drop us a little gift and walk away and it's the best. ( cheers and applause ) >> and, like, responsible

>> throw it right away. >> stephen: youifies actually-- this is something of sort of a cultural milestone. you're both appearing in the latest issue of "playboy." ( cheers and applause ) but here's the thing is you're in the latest issue of "playboy" but the two of you are full low clothed. >> yes. >> stephen: as a matter of fact, this is the first issue of "playboy" that has no nudity in it. did you feel cheated-- >> yes. >> stephen: at least of the opportunity to go, "how dare you!" >> yeah, i had a conversation with my father. >> stephen: about being in "playboy?" >> yeah. he said, "someone they work with told me you're in 'playboy'." and i said, yes, dad, i am. first thing. proud." ( laughter ) >> stephen: i will go with

>> yeah, right. >> stephen: here's the thing that might be a secret to you guys. i am slight lie older than you are. >> no! >> a little bit, a little bit. >> stephen: just slightly older than you are combined, which is why i love your show because i can learn about what's hip, happening, brooklyn trends and stuff like that. so i was hoping you could tell me what's hot on the scene. >> one thing right off the pat it's really cool today to not ask "what's hot on the scene?" ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: what else? what else is going on out there? >> okay, what else? well, have you heard about rainbow bagels? >> stephen: i have not, have you. >> they're rainbow-colored bagels they make at this brooklyn bakery.

through up on social media. we call that soc-meds. you should do it phonetically. so it blew up on soc-med. just in case you asked us, "what's cool these days?" we brought you a clip. >> stephen: oh, great. jim, let's take a look. is that it? >> yup. >> stephen: that's them making them. >> that's food! that's what food looks like now. >> stephen: i would not have guessed that. >> the future. >> stephen: everyone in brooklyn is eating these? >> only the cool people. >> stephen: i understand these are them. >> we brought you some to try. >> stephen: i should get one? are they good? are they good? >> the taste isn't so much ( laughter ) lip gloss. >> stephen: what? >> do you wear lip gloss? >> i do not wear lip gloss. >> if you knew the taste it's lip gloss.

i can eat one? >> take a bite. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: whoa! this is amazing! where are we? >> it's happy bagel place! >> stephen: oh! >> stephen, just listen to the happy bagel babies sing! we're the happy bagel babies of happy bagel place we love to sing and dance and put a smile on your face we're happy bagel babies and there's nothing wrong there's nothing insidious about happy bagel place >> yeah! >> stephen: oh! that is so sweet! >> shut up, stephen! there's a second part. we cannot read and we cannot meet in groups the bagel king fears a bagel baby revolt slay the bagel king stephen slay the demon father

>> yeah! >> stephen: okay! ( cheers and applause ) okay. that was great. that was great. thank you so much. this has been fun. i enjoyed it here, but i think i'm ready to head back now. >> no, stephen, you can't leave. >> stephen: why? i don't understand. >> you're the only one with the power to slay the bagel king. >> slay him! slay him! >> do it, stephen! do it! >> stephen: i'm just going to grab an uber. i have to get out of here! >> oh, no! the bagel king! >> who dares disturb my slumber? the bagel babies will pay for this! >> come ostephen! oh, my gosh! >> no! no! >> stephen: none of this is real! >> get him! get him!

>> this is happening! ( laughter ) this is happening. >> stephen: it didn't make the sound the first time! it didn't make the sound the first time. >> it takes a second for it to work! oevment! >> stephen: what do i do! >> if you don't step up, the bagel babies will die in the cream cheese mines. >> you're the only one with the power to stop it. >> come on, stephen! >> stephen: but i don't have any power. >> stephen, the power you're looking for has been inside of you this whole time! >> stephen: inside me? you mean my courage. >> no. you can shoot lasers out of your belly button. >> stephen: really? >> come on, stephen! come on! ( cheers and applause ) eat lazer navel! >> aahhhhhhhhh! i'm dead! >> stephen: yeah!

it worked! >> stephen: that was intense! ( laughter ) but i can't get the taste of those bagels out of my mouth. when does this end? stephen, it every ends. we're the happy bagel babies of happy bagel place we love to sing and dance and put a smile on your face >> stephen: "broad city," season 3, premieres tomorrow night at 10 p.m. on comedy central. abbi jacobson and ilana glazer, everybody! we'll be right back. life's short, talk is cheap. i'll be working while you sleep. still don't think i've got a brain? you think a resume's enough? who'll step up when things get tough? don't you want that kind of brain? a degree is a degree. you're gonna want

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there's a sadness so deep the sun seems black and you don't have to try to keep the tears back well you don't have to try to keep the tears back 'cause you couldn't cry if you wanted to you couldn't cry if you wanted to you couldn't cry if you wanted to you couldn't cry if you wanted to even your thoughts are dust even your thoughts are dust

even your thoughts are dust so you stare at the ceiling and wish the world would mend trying to recall some better feeling to no good end trying to recall some better feeling to no good but even your thoughts are dust even your thoughts are dust even your thoughts are dust

there's a sadness so deep the sun seems black and you don't have to try to keep the tears back

to keep the tears back because you couldn't cry if you wanted to you couldn't cry if you wanted to you couldn't cry if you wanted to you couldn't cry if you wanted to even your thoughts are dust even your thoughts are dust even your thoughts are dust even your thoughts are dust even your thoughts are dust even your thoughts are dust even your thoughts are dust even your thoughts are dust

even your thoughts are dust cheers and applause ) >> thank you! >> stephen: her album, "the ghosts of highway 20," is out now. lucinda williams, everybody! rin the middle of a time is increasing. republicans and some democratsp came up with a brilliant idea for cutting cost-of-living adjustments for social security. we said, "it will be over our dead bodies if you cut social security." as president, to extend the solvency of social security and expand benefits for people who desperately need them. i'm bernie sanders,

>> stephen: that's it for "the late show." tune in tomorrow when my guests will be kate hudson, richard dreyfuss, governor john kasich, courtney barnett. now stick around for james corden. >> yeah, it worked! let's sing we're the happy bagel babies we love to sing and dance and put a smile on your face we're happy bagel babies and stephen is our king he'll rule this land till we kill him, too

(cheers and applause) >> announcer: ladies and gentlemen, all the way from new zealand, give it up for your host, the one, the only james corden! (cheers and applause) hello, james! >> james: hello, everybody! (cheers and applause) thank you so much! ladies & gentlemen, welcome to the show. valentine's day was this weekend. but not everyone had a romantic night. one couple in arkansas had to call the police after they lost the key to handcuffs they were

(laughter) the police came, took the handcuffs off of the man, found out he had a warrant out for his arrest, put different handcuffs on him and took him to jail. he must have been really confused at first like he definitely thought the cop was just part ii of the role play that night. (act out sexy) "what's the charge, officer? being a bad boy?" (laughter) but this couple has learned an always have an extra key. give it to a neighbor for safe-keeping. "this is for the front door, this is for the back door, and this is for my sex handcuffs. my safe word is 'onion.'" but not every romantic gesture

weekend because one high school senior in utah made it his business to give all 834 girls in his school a single flower for valentine's day. (cheers and applause) i know. i know. what better way to make a girl feel special than to treat her the same as 833 other girls? i love this guy! his dating style can only be described as "i'm gonna throw everything at the wall and see what sticks." but it's true. he gave flowers to 834 girls, and those girls gave them, in turn, to 834 trashcans. (laughter) but what this kid did was very sweet. vegas who probably could have learned a thing or two from him. the couple had only met two months ago and were planning on

healthy marriages start. when they got there, the guy didn't stick to the plan. >> the couple was supposed to get married that day but they got in a fight to phillip went off, got drunk and found another girl to get frisky with right up there. >> james: i don't know who i feel more sorry for -- the girlfriend he cheated on or the guy who cleans the ferris wheel. wrong direction. (applause) we've actually got a photo of the guy who did the deed on the ferris wheel. this is him. look at that. he looks like he was cut from

too douchey. not only were they having sex, but they refused to stop even after they were caught. listen to the man's explanation from a recent interview. >> security tells them to stop over the intercom. they paused briefly but kept going anyway. >> they had a recording saying stop. the guy thought the voice on the intercom telling them to stop having sex was a recording. but to be fair, there are a lot of places in las vegas that could use a "please stop having sex" recording. jacuzzis, public bathrooms, the m&ms store. don't ask me how i know that. (laughter) of course, they didn't stop. in fact, a lot of people saw this as it was happening. they were even recording it on

the climax: (cheers and applause) shall we see who our guests. are tonight? (cheers and applause) you know her and "the dark knight rises".u the gorgeous (cheers and applause) hey, juno, how are you? >> i'm good. how are you? >> james: very well! oh, no, juno's on the champagne. are in for the night. how long have you been drinking, juno, since about midday? >> just like since now or what age did i start? (laughter) >> james: when was the last time you weren't drinking? >> 2004? (laughter) >> james: we're so pleased you're here. juno temple! (cheers and applause) in the orange room.u you know him from the shows "mad men," "drop dead diva" and "silicon valley," the talented

(cheers and applause) hey, ben, how are ya? >> i'm great! >> james: what's happening here? >> it's like a fancy business hotel room! >> james: why do you go to so many hotels? >> i was in a spa a second ago. is that a ferris wheel? >> james: let's see if we can -- you wouldn't, would you? you wouldn't do it on a ferris wheel, would you? >> maybe. how long is the ride? >> james: what do you need, three hours? >> just a couple of minutes. >> james: well then you will be fine. you will be absolutely fine. let's leave him to it, ben feldman, everybody! (cheers and applause) in the blue room.u you know her from the "hellboy" movies, "legally blonde" and "cruel intentions".u the lovely selma blair! (cheers and applause) selma! how are ya? >> great! (cheers and applause) >> james: how nice to see you. are you well?

how much does ben look like scott bail. >> james: you're right! anyway, enough about me. >> james: you have a crush on scott or men who look like him? >> him. >> james: oh, wow! selma blair, everybody! reggie, are you ready? he's reggie watts, i'm james corden and this -- this is "the late late show." roll the titles. (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) >> james: we're all in a good

i've never seen you like this. is it because you have a haircut? >> it's because of the grammys. i'm inspired. lady gaga got me going. computer. (laughter) tonight. we've tried this game before, quite a while ago. i wanted to keep playing it. the producer said i get a bit afoid and try not to. the truth is i'm not very good at this game. but i really want to give it a shot. it's a lot of fun and i really believe i've cracked how to do it. this is "where's reggie." (cheers and applause) okay. give me a second to quiet. all right. focus, focus. if you see it, you will achieve it. okay.

with the camera. okay. no, no. obviously, not. okay. i mean -- is that -- no. okay. keep. oh, man! keep going. okay. he's definitely this this. you definitely put him in there. okay. (laughter) come on, don't get panicked. wait, wait, wait, wait, go back, go back where you were, go back, go back, go back, go back -- go back -- no, no, sorry. i thought that was him. keep going. keep going. oh, come on! are you sure he's in there?

no, no, no, no! (applause) is this a prank? i do not believe he's in there. reggie, if you're up, stand up and show me. oh! (cheers and applause) he was there the whole time. wearing that. i don't believe it. i don't believe it! that was another unsuccessful round of where's regie. when we come back, carpool karaoke with sia! (cheers and applause) my beige socks are? check the walk-in closet. there are two types of people in the world.

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,, ,, (cheers and applause) >> james: welcome back. now, when i'm late to work-- the only thing that helps is the carpool lane -- and for that, i need someone with me. this is carpool karaoke.

i'll try my best. wait. hang on. i'll call you back. sia! it's james! how you doing? i'm over here! no! listen, can you help me get to work? >> i'd love to. i'm really good at directions. >> i'm in the car. no, turn around. wait there. wait there. i'll come and get you in. oh, my gosh. turn around. okay. i'm just -- are you okay? >> yeah, i'm great. >> james: there's a curb. i got it. >> james: yeah, there it is. (cheers and applause) >> hey! >> james: thanks for this. listen, anytime. >> james: such a relief i saw

>> yeah, yeah, i got ya covered. >> james: do you mind if we listen to some party girls don't get hurt can't feel anything, when will i learn i push it down, push it down i'm the one for a good time call phone's blowin' up, they're ringin' my doorbell i feel the love, feel the love 1, 2, 3 1, 2, 3 drink 1, 2, 3 1, 2, 3 drink 1, 2, 3 1, 2, 3 drink throw 'em back, till i lose coun i'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier doesn't exist, like it doesn't i'm gonna fly like a bird throug the night, feel my tears as they

i'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier but i'm holding on for dear life won't look down won't open my ey keep my glass full until morning light, 'cause i'm just holding o for tonight >> james: now, the last time i event and you were wearing, hat. it. >> james: with the hair on it. yeah. >> james: but then when we got inside, you took the hat off. >> yeah. >> james: so we were face to face. >> i don't wear this unless there are cameras around. >> james: of course. i only wear this to try to maintain a modicum of privacy.

choice to do that. >> well, i was a singer already for ten or eleven years to mediocre success. >> james: yeah. and i was an alcoholic and a drug addict, and i sobered up and decided i didn't want to be an artist anymore because it was destabilizing in some ways. i thought what doesn't exist in pop music at the moment, and it was mystery, i was, like, you know, there is pictures on instagram of everyone at the dentist. >> james: yeah, but it's a different style when you're talking to record companies or p.r. people and things like that. >> no. in fact -- >> james: was that even insulting or were people like yes! don't show your face! yes! i would be distaught if someone said i tell you how we can make you a star, james -- cover that

>> james: there is a common theme in your songs which is like a sort of -- whoa, oh! >> yeah, i love doing that. >> james: how do i get that? you mean -- (singing) >> it feels like i'm making it tight or something.

(singing) (laughter) >> james: i have no idea what you just said. >> i will stay up through the night. >> james: yeah, but you sing it like this -- (singing) (laughter)

>> how do you know that? >> james: i know stuff. (laughter) >> you know, i only believe in them because i watched a video of the ex canadian minister of defense saying plainly he knows for a fact that the american government are working with five different alien races, and my blood ran cold and i thought that guy is the ex-canadian minister of defense. he's not just like some guy on youtube. >> james: but you've never seen an alien? >> maybe they're among us. >> james: i hope i'm here if they come and, b, that they're really nice and talk about lovely things and, c, that they only want to go on the "the late late show." (cheers and applause) >> yeah. >> james: the "the late late show" is the one we want. that's all i ask of aliens.

you are a beauty. a beautious thing. >> james: i actually feel great. >> it's comforting. like a head hug. >> james: the best way to describe it. i'm hugging my head right now. do you know what i feel like? i feel like i'm just here, not even james anymore. >> this is powerful. i'm still breathing, i'm still breathing i'm still breathing, i'm still breathing i'm alive