dicky: >> guillermo:. >> jimmy: >> jimmy:. it's ?jimmy kimmel l? tonight, martin lawrence from ?westworld?, luke hemsworth this week in unnecessary censorship and music from gary clark jr. and now, here's jimmy kimmel! >> jimmy: thank you. >> jimmy: thank you. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for coming. [ cheers and applause ]

clapping. i needed that. i've been feeling a little bummed out today. last night the jets played the giants, and the winner of the game, winner goes to the playoffs. it's a one-game deal. i rushed over to a restaurant to watch it. it's a serious pitcher's dual. own who walks into the restaurant and sits down not just at the table next to me but his back literally touching my back. who would you guess that was? worse, matt damon. and sure enough, moments after he walked in, the giants got a hit and then a walk and then a home run and then the mets lost 3-0. just like that the season was over. thanks, matt. it's bad enough you ruin movies. now you have to ruin baseball also? before we go further, our

hurricane matthew, another matt nobody likes. [ applause ] >> jimmy: president obama declared a state of emergency. it's tense right there right now. the governor of florida strongly urged locals toe evacuate. some are not doing. vanilla ice announced despite the mandatory evacuation order, he'll remain in his home in palm he plans to live tweet the storm. you'd think the think the guy who wrote quick to the point to the point no faken, cooking like a pound of bacon would be smarter than that. if there's any bright side, at least the cable news channels covered something other than donald trump today. [ applause ] >> jimmy: donald trump was in new hampshire today.

schooled the crowd who gathered to support him on how to properly pronounce the name of their state. >> heroin and meth overdoses in nevada, nevada. you know what i said in i said when i came out here, i said nobody says it the other way. it has to be nevada. and if you don't say it correctly, and it didn't happen to me, but it happened to a friend of >> jimmy: right. the only problem is that's wrong. i grew up in las vegas. it's nevada, not nevada. we pronounce it nevada, but -- [ applause ] >> jimmy: anyway, what was it you were saying about the heroin and meth overdoses? donald trump goes from subject to subject so quickly, it's hard to keep up. we like to slow him down to half speed.

drunk donald trump. >> my economic agenda can be summed up, and i think you know what it is. what is my economic? what is it? jobs. jobs. [ laughter ] >> i don't have to say it. it's jobs. [ >> jimmy: jobs. from a comedy standpoint, trump has been getting a run for his money from the libertarian candidate for president, gary johnson. first he didn't know aleppo was the center of the refugee crisis. then he couldn't name a single foreign leader he admires, and he did an interview yesterday, couldn't come up with the leader of north korea.

leader, he said i do and refused to say the name. google kim jong-un haircut. i want to defend him. i'm tired of the mainstream media asking got you questions. at this point he doesn't know anything. we all know he's not going to be president. he knows he's notoi president. vanilla ice is more likely to be president than gary johnson, so stop humiliating him. i mean, really. is this an election or game show? oh, it's a game show? i'm sorry. i didn't realize. >> tuesday, don't miss a brand new spin on a classic game. get ready to perry with gary. >> are you smarter than gary johnson. >> what would you do about aleppo? >> what is aleppo?

>> no. >> he's not a fifth grader. >> who's your fair foreign leader? >> i'm having a brain -- >> but he might as well be. >> are you smarter than gary johnson followed by an all new win jill stain's money. >> all right. >> jimmy: maybe he's not so he shines in the swim suit competition. as you know, i'm not just the host of a talk show. i'm a well loved television judge. guillermo and i have been hearing real cases from small claims court who agreed to withdraw their complaints and bring them to me. >> this is the plaintiff. cindy garcia.

handbags from the defendant. she said she never received the handbags and is seeking reimbursement. this is the defendant. she claims the bags were paid for in installments and offered to refund the plaintiff in the same lay away manner. . >> raise your right hand. >> what you are about to witness is real. they're litigants with a case pending in civil court. both parties agreed to drop their claims to have their case decided here by judge james. >> do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so god help you? rise for judge james. >> hi.

>> guillermo: you can sit down. >> jimmy: all right. let's see what we have here. plaintiff is cindy garcia. miss garcia, you're suing miss martinez for $3239. that's the total amount you claim you paid the defendant in installments for two louis vuitton handbags with matching wallets that you never received, correct? >> that's correct. >> and mrs. martinez you cim garcia in installments? >> yes. >> jimmy: diouf a store or boutique? >> no. i was just selling them on facebook. >> jimmy: okay. and where do you get the purses? >> straight from the louis vuitton store. >> jimmy: so the service you provide is the lay away service? >> yes. which the store doesn't. >> jimmy: miss garcia, let's start with you.

defendant and i had agreed for her to deliver them on a certain date, and she did not, so i asked for a refund, and she did give me a $300 refund, and she agreed to give me a refund every 15th of the month after. >> jimmy: you have no purses? >> no purses or wallets. >> jimmy: and how have you been carrying your things? >> i have another purse. >> jimmy: is this correct? >> part. issue? >> please don't use language like that in my courtroom or i'll have you destroyed. >> guillermo: can i say something? my people use those words. >> jimmy: what people are you with? >> guillermo: latinos? >> jimmy: do you use the word parsh? >> i do not. >> guillermo: in the ghetto, we do.

plaintiff all her money back? >> the same way she paid me, that's how i told her she could refund her from when she started buying from me. >> jimmy: you're out about $2900 right now? >> $3200. >> guillermo: that's a lot of money. >> jimmy: it is. >> guillermo: i would give my kill if she buy those things. >> jimmy: you claiming to kill your wife in court? expensive. >> jimmy: one more word and i have you in handcuffs. what did you do with the plaintiff's money? >> i initially started paying -- it was a number of people, so as soon as they would pay it off, i would give them the item within two weeks. >> jimmy: so it was like a pyramid scheme type thing? >> yeah. >> jimmy: now that your shady business is out of work, what do you do for work?

care. >> jimmy: and parents bring your children there and you give them back at the end of the day? >> of course. >> jimmy: cindy, would you like to see suzy go to jail? >> no. >> jimmy: that's nice, right? >> yeah. >> jimmy: suzy, would you be willing to do chores around her house to pay off the money? >> if that's what she agrees to. >> jimmy: oh. would you be grinterested in. >> of course not. >> jimmy: i and i'll be back with my verdict. >> guillermo: no problem. >> jimmy: thanks. >> guillermo: speaking spanish. >> will this bailiff fall asleep in that chair? judge james verdict when we return. >> jimmy: we'll take a break.

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>> jimmy: >> jimmy: tonight on the show, music from gary clark jr. from ?westworld? luke hemsworth is here. let's get back to judge james. >> this defendant promised payments in parsh. judge james is about to rule. let's listen. >> jimmy: excuse me. >> guillermo: sorry. i was looking at the pictures.

>> jimmy: everybody is supposed to stand when i come in. >> guillermo: oh. stand up for judge james. >> jimmy: okay. you can all sit. >> guillermo: sit down. >> jimmy: well, i'll be honest. i didn't even have to think about this case. i actually just went outside to take a little walk around. it seems pretty clear to me you paid the money whether it be get the purses. i award the plaintiff the full amount of $3239. >> guillermo: now we can go. >> jimmy: yeah. everybody can go. >> let's speak to the big winner. congratulations. >> thank you. >> who do you think you are, paris hilt snn. >> no. something close. >> and now the defendant who

verdict. what do you think? was judge james just a little too parsh? >> just a little. >> what kind of purse diouf? >> a coach. cross body. >> that's pretty nice. can i take a look? i haven't seen a coach. >> on the next judge james. >> i need to suit with -- >> jimmy: do you think there's any possibility he murdered mr. lee? >> first of all, i did not murder mr. >> jimmy: mr. morris now removed his pants. >> jimmy: all right. this is kind of interesting. michelle obama, you know who that is, right? okay. she loves vegetables and stuff. there's an interesting story. this week it says that she is doing whatever it takes to make sure that whoever lives in the white house next doesn't mess with the garden she put in.

permanent part of the white house grounds. basically she pulled a trump and built a wall around her vegetables. it's interesting to see how the different presidents and white ladies taylor the white house. bill clinton kept a small vegetable garden on the roof of the house, and by that i mean hooters waitress and kept the small waitress from hooters on the roof if he needed anything. i guess the donald trump would tear the garden out if he moved in. the truth is the only person who wants to destroy that garden is president obama, her husband. he must be so sick of kale by now. his dream is to bulldoze that garden, to tear it up and plant a field of cigarettes instead. one more thing, it's thursday night. that means it's time to bleep and blur the big tv moments of

>> you planning a super bowl parade. you lose like last week and you go what the [ bleep ] happened? >> yeah. yeah. >> i know you boycotted prime minister netanyahu's speech. b [ bleep ]. >> he came off as kind of a [ bleep ]. >> i've been [ bleep ] by very successful people, mark cuban. >> i do not think there will be many places in america will [ bleep ]ing will continue to take pl >> randy moss was on hand to blow the big vikings [ bleep ]. >> great men have big [ bleep ]. >> steve, could you ask him if they've before [ bleep ]ed? >> you're from the dakotas. >> yes. >> are you involved in [ bleep ]ing? >> name an animal who likes to stick his plp [ bleep ] out. you said a dog. >> there was an old lady who [

>> a horse. >> jimmy: tonight on the show, music from gary clark jr. from ?westworld? luke hemsworth is here, and we'll be right back with martin lawrence. ? ?

? ? heart rate one fifty six. ?

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>> jimmy: tonight from the new hbo show ?westworld,? luke hemsworth is here. australia's number one export used to be iron ore, now it is hemsworths then, this is his new single -- from the ?deepwater horizon? soundtrack it's called ?take me down,? gary clark jr. from the crowro first solo tour, you can see him at the ace hotel theatre here in la december 1st. next week we will be joined by don rickles, john stamos, they'll with here together. they're dating. jennifer connelly, matthew perry, colin farrell, laverne cox, and we will have music from two door cinema club, crx, flatbush zombies and nas

whether he be on stage or on tv or on the big screen, our first guest is a funny man. he returns to stand up. it resumes tomorrow night at the k koz ma poll tin hotel tomorrow night. please welcome martin lawrence. >> thank you. >> jimmy: you look great. >> thank you. >> jimmy: how's life? >> life is great. >> jimmy: you got this tour going on now. you're launching phase two of the tour in las vegas. >> yes. >> jimmy: tomorrow. besides writing jokes and going through material and all that stuff, how do you get ready far vegas show? >> for me now, i'm older now.

party. >> jimmy: you don't party anymore? >> no. >> jimmy: even birthday partys? >> no. i just get ready for the day and the show. >> jimmy: all day you're just getting ready? >> yeah. i watch a movie, get food and fuel. i go to sound check to make sure and see the venue. >> jimmy: do you have a movie in mind tomorrow? >> i want to see the one with robert de niro and >> jimmy: you're a little bit behind on the movies? >> yeah. i'm behind. i take this box on the road with me, and i'm able to watch movies that i've missed. >> jimmy: i got you. all right. nice. and when you're in las vegas, i know you said you don't party. do you go to shows or dinner buffets? >> love to go to shows. the most recent i went to in las vegas was mariah carey.

>> jimmy: was it? >> yeah. [ applause ] >> jimmy: what is her relationship status right now? i'd love to see the two of you together. >> i don't know. >> jimmy: you could make love to her if she was interested, right? >> i got somebody right now. >> jimmy: you do? all right. what's on the contract rider right now? >> food. and make sure my dressing so i'm comfortable. a lot of food. >> jimmy: a lot of food? and will you be in las vegas for just the one night? >> yeah, and then off to other cities. >> jimmy: you've had high profile visitors. some of them you put on instagram. there you are with ken rick lamar. have you been to his show? >> not yet.

>> jimmy: this is a good one. you got t.i. and tracy morgan at the show. >> yeah. that was in atlanta. >> jimmy: this one is of particular interest to me, partly because i am a tv judge as well, but here you are with judge mathis, and the thing -- the best part it said so honored to have judge mathis we'll get the drinks soon, hash tag judge mathis knows how to spot a crack head. what does that mean? >> i don't know. but it was nice to have him out there at the show. all of them that came out. we had a great time. >> jimmy: this show spawned your first standup special. how many years has it been since you did one? >> 14 years since my last one. >> jimmy: 14 years, and this one is now, you put it on dvd. now, i have a couple questions about this.

the dvd player? nobody has these anymore. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you know that box you have? everything else has that too. >> well, we'll have to get that on the box. >> jimmy: you'll have to get that. >> that's a good one. >> jimmy: also it's called "doing time uncut" does that mean you didn't >> no. we did. i said whatever i wanted. >> jimmy: do people advise you not to say that. >> i've been in the game too long. i do what i want. >> jimmy: you do an imitation of mike tyson. >> not a good one. >> jimmy: it's pretty good. does mike know? you do it for him? >> i wouldn't do it for him. he might lose it.

>> jimmy: mike's got a pretty good sense of humor. you should invite him to the show. >> i would love him to come as long as he has a good sense of humor. >> jimmy: we'll find out. her either way it will be funny. invite him on stage. do you know him well? >> i met him a couple of times. >> jimmy: your daughter is going to college now. >> yes. >> jimmy: at duke, which is a do you visit her there? >> yes. >> jimmy: and do the kids go nuts when they see you there? >> they don't go nuts, but they keep it cool, but i sat in one of my daughter's classes so i got a lot of cool points. >> jimmy: what class? >> it was like afro american studies. >> jimmy: did you pay attention and learn? >> i was just looking, man. i been like i used to be in

>> jimmy: like this. do members of your family come to your comedy shows, especially when you travel around the country? >> yes. >> jimmy: how does that go? >> good. it's a lot of pressure because you want to be funny that night. if you're not, they'll let you know. >> jimmy: they let you know? >> you were all right tonight. >> jimmy: is there anyone in particular that has given you a hard time? >> not really. nobody. >> jimmy: because you wouldn't invite them back, right? >> i wouldn't. >> jimmy: but you have >> yes. >> jimmy: are there ever a lot, too many? >> if i go to my hometown in maryland, there will be a lot. my nieces and nephews. >> jimmy: you're not making any money that night because everybody is there for free? >> yeah. >> jimmy: something like that. when we come back, we'll talk more with martin lawrence after this. ?i live in a nameless town?

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>> we're back with martin lawrence who you can see live tomorrow night. mike tyson is going to be there. seriously, you should invite him.

come here. stop that. >> jimmy: when you were first here on this show a long time ago, we talked a little bit about -- you have a farm or a ranch in virginia? >> a ranch. >> jimmy: you still going there a lot? >> i go there to get away when i'm not in hollywood. i go there and mess with my horses. >> jimmy: how many horses diouf? >> three. >> jimmy: what are their >> jimmy: do you rise the horses? >> no. shadow is crazy. he buck you. just get it, so i just like to walk them around and when the other people come, if they want to get on them, you're more than welcome to. >> jimmy: sign this paper right here and you can get on any horse you want. do you do ranch things? are you slopping animals?

>> no. i have a basketball court. i have a bowling alley. >> jimmy: what kind of a ranch is this? sounds like the bunny ranch. >> it's cool. just somewhere to get away. >> jimmy: are horses the only animals you have? >> yeah, and i got a lot of geese. >> jimmy: geese? >> yeah. they be fly on my property just popping everywhere. >> jimmy: have you ever shot one? >> no no but somebody thought i did. the next door neighbor thought was shooting at geese. >> jimmy: was she just crazy or -- >> she was crazy. >> jimmy: did she come over and say were you shooting geese? >> no. she talks to whoever runs the property. >> jimmy: she sent the geese police? >> yeah. >> jimmy: really? you had to say no, i wasn't shooting geese. >> exactly. >> jimmy: do you think that was a racially charged i said accident? >> it was not a racially charged incident. >> jimmy: maybe it was.

>> no. >> jimmy: you should go over there in the middle of the night sometime. >> no. i don't want no problems. i'm going to leave her alone. >> jimmy: do people come up and visit you at the ranch? >> i have a lot of family and friends come. >> jimmy: when you are out in public and people see you, what do they say to you most? >> the most? >> jimmy: yeah. >> when we going to do another "bad >> jimmy: that's a good question. and when are you? >> we're looking toward maybe, you know, march. hopefully maybe it may happen, and -- >> jimmy: really? >> if we can get everybody together at the same time. >> jimmy: who is the hold out? do we need to talk to somebody? >> it's the matter of getting the script right and doing it at the right time. >> jimmy: very good. is that an official announcement that you may, possibly, might be

>> jimmy: it's a serious preannouncement announcement. >> jimmy: this is the dvd, if you can't take it, it's martin lawrence's comedy tour ?doin' time: uncut live? resumes tomorrow night at the cosmopolitan in las vegas. we'll be right back with

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>> jimmy: when i became a talk show host, i had no idea where this journey would today i'm running for vice president of the united states. >> do you think you're making a mockery of this election? >> i think it's too late for anyone to do that, wolf. >> together we can make today yesterday's tomorrow again. >> we're with him. jimmy kimmel live, weeknights on abc. ? >> jimmy: our next guest came from a land down under, he is

his new show on hbo is called "westworld". please welcome luke hemsworth. ? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: please, have a seat. relax. how many hemsworth brothers should we be prepared for? >> there's a we've met all of you, there's another. >> we have cousins , we're coming out of the wood work. >> jimmy: are they back home or did they follow you over here? >> my wife is here and my dog and my kids. mom and dad kind of live this amazing good life where they're chaperoning around the world. >> jimmy: do they still live where you guys lived growing up? >> no. they just moved.

you were basically raised like a pack of wild dingos. you were free range children? >> yeah, the house of horrors. >> jimmy: was it known locally? don't send your kids over there? >> we'd wake up in the morning and say see you mom and just disappear into the bush. and i think as we got older, participants of kids we knew would gradually drop their kids off further and further away from our where -- because we had a really steep driveway, and then the red to that driveway was literally a goat track, and so dad would be like oh, i'm building a model airplane in the shed. can you go get what's his name from down at the shops. we'd jump on a motorbike. >> jimmy: which age? >> 10, 12. no helmet, and we'd ride and pick up these kids.

after another. >> jimmy: as a father now, does that amaze you that a 10-year-old would get on a motor bike with no helmet? >> yeah. i'm amazed now, because i ride a motor bike still, and to get on one without a helmet at that age, but there was no one there. you have to understand this is in the middle of nowhere. >> jimmy: there's no traffic accident. >> there's no traffic lights to stop at. >> jimmy: and w arrangement between you and your brothers? >> as far as i know i'm the oldest. >> jimmy: you're the old snest? >> i missed out on the height. i had a brick fall on my head as a kid. i think that might have stunted my growth. it didn't affect me any other way. >> jimmy: how did that happen? >> i was climbing a ball underneath someone else, and i think they kicked a brick, and

>> jimmy: i'd love to. oh, my god. that's a serious lump. >> i know. >> jimmy: you still have it? did they not take you to the doctor? >> i still have it. >> jimmy: you've got to get that lump checked out. i want everyone in the audience to feel the lump on the way out. [ applause ] >> jimmy: the famous hemsworth lump. >> it's called eduardo. >> jimmy: did you beat up on your brothers? >> every chance i could, and i still do. >> jimmy: you have to. >> they're really tall. >> jimmy: they're big, yeah. >> but they're actually quite soft. and they cry a lot. i take great joy in making them cry. >> jimmy: when is the last time you made one of them cry? >> just the other day. >> jimmy: how did you guys -- >> i was like liam, have a shave. come on. you look like the paddle pop lion. >> jimmy: that's a reference we don't get. >> yeah. australian. >> jimmy: you were the first one

>> i was, yeah. >> jimmy: and how did that happen from you guys were living in this kind of, i don't want to say the wilderness. i don't know what you were doing, but how did you all wind up in the acting business? >> i think it came from having a good sense of play, and what mom would do, if we'd play and you were out of line she'd be like that's it, the tv is going away, and she'd carry the giant tv into the wardrobe, because she's pretty strong as well. >> jimmy: thor's mother, right. obviously. >> it would go away for months, and i think it forced us to kind of use our brains as much as we could. >> jimmy: why wouldn't you use your brains to get that tv back. >> that's a great idea. >> jimmy: and so that's what activated your imagination? >> i think it's part of it. and i think mom and dad also had a great love of the arts. >> jimmy: they did? >> yeah. when you were allowed to watch

old stuff like marks brothers and bran doe and all that. >> jimmy: would you watch american television shows? >> yeah. lots of american tv. >> jimmy: did you ever watch "martin"? >> no. we didn't get him. australia's a little bit behind as well. we're only australia's like hey, i'm on west world, they're like that's that great new movie. right? yes. that's how far immediately like it does here? >> it does now. it never used to. >> jimmy: are people back home watching the show? >> yes. >> jimmy: explain what's going on in the show. i'm not sure i quite understand what's happening on the show. >> i have no idea. tony hopkins said to me, yes, it's very good. diouf any idea what it's -- do you have any idea what it's about? >> jimmy: that's anthony hop kins?

>> jimmy: we're not in that circle. >> we get the script, but they're pretty dense, and sometimes i need to watch the show in order to work it out, but they're not very forth coming in giving answers. >> jimmy: they don't trust you? is that possible? >> for sure, yeah. >> jimmy: well, yeah, after hearing these stories, i can hear why. it's great to have you here. congratulations. it's great to have another hemsworth on television. >> jimmy: luke hemsworth! ?westworld? airs sundays at 9pm on hbo. and we shall return with music from gary clark jr. >> announcer: "the jimmy kimmel live" concert series is brought to you by new crown royal

>> announcer: "the jimmy kimmel live" concert series is brought to you by new crown royal vanilla whisky. vanilla so good. >> jimmy: i'd like to thank martin lawrence, luke hemsworth and apologize to matt damon, we ran out of time. nightline is next but first, here with the song ?take me down? from the deepwater horizon

? ? ? when this train rolls down the track i'm not coming back ? ? got a one-way ticket i'm going home back where i started from ? ? oh take me down south

when you take me home ? ? the last time i saw you i meant to say i love you i've been right and i've been wrong ? ? but i always miss you when i'm gone ? take me down south when you take me home when you take me home ?

? ? ? oh take me down south take me down south take me down south ? ? take me down south

? take me home, yeah ? ? ? want to be next to my baby, yeah, yeah ? ?

this is "nightline." >> tonight breaking news. monster storm. hurricane matthew menacing florida. winds of up to 130 miles per hour raging just offshore. the state's governor with a dire warning. >> unfortunately this is going to kill people. >> mass several states and millions facing what could be the most powerful storm to hit the east coast in more than a decade. plus a murder for hire plot unraveling. one of the hit men cooperating with authorities. will he reveal who hired him to kill this florida professor? the exclusive undercover phone recordings that have investigators closing in on the unlikely suspects.