Skip to main content

tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  October 25, 2010 11:05pm-12:05am PST

12:05 am
and it's time now for tonight's "closing argument." it got rough politically in rhode island today where president obama has declined to endorse the democrat running for governor, frank cap preyo. the white house said obama was looking out for his friend, former senator lincoln chafee, also in the race as an independent there. today, caprio has this to say,
12:06 am
quote, he can take his adjustment and really shove it. asked later about the remark, he said it again. >> what i said to the president is that this process about endorsements isn't something i'm concerned about now and he can take the endorsement and shove it. >> tonight, we ask you is he over the line with that or should the president have stuck with his party on this one? tell us what you think at the "nightline" facebook page or on the "nightline" page at abcnews.com. and that is our report for tonight. for all of us at abc news, good night. >> jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy kimmel, here with my pals uncle frank, guillermo and yehya at tgi fridays, the place to be for dinner or late night when you want to turn your frown upside down because in here it's always friday. >> guillermo: no. i don't think so, jimmy. >> jimmy: you don't think what? >> guillermo: it cannot always be friday. >> jimmy: well, yeah,
12:07 am
technically, but it's the spirit of friday. >> no! guillermo is right. there are six days in a week! >> jimmy: there's what? >> six days in a week. >> jimmy: there's seven days in a week. i'm just trying to say that -- >> jim, i was here last week, and it was tuesday. >> jimmy: right, but i'm sure it was like a friday because of the fun you had. >> guillermo: are you calling uncle frank a liar? >> you have some nerve! >> i've never been so insulted in my life. >> jimmy: you know what, i'm gonna go sit at the bar. >> good! good for you. go jump in the lake! it's very close here, good-bye. >> dicky: take a photo at your favorite tgi fridays and log on to tgifridayslatenight.com to enter the sweepstakes for your chance to win a trip to see "jimmy kimmel live." tgi fridays, in here, it's always friday. "jimmy kimmel live," back in two minutes with dr. oz, comedian mike birbiglia and music from k'naan. [ waves crashing ]
12:08 am
[ waves crashing ] ♪ call me ishmael! [ man ] moby dick. [ voice command ] "searching for moby dick." ♪ ♪ [ male announcer ] at&t and blackberry have teamed up to evolve the smartphone. at&t. rethink possible. how new is the new edge with myford touch? well you could never do this before. or this. or this. you definitely couldn't do this. play kate's mix. or this. temperature, 72 degrees. say hello to the new edge with myford touch.™ quite possibly the world's smartest crossover.
12:09 am
12:10 am
from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live." tonight -- dr. oz. comedian mike birbiglia. and music from k'naan. with cleto and the cletones. ♪ it's jimmy kimmel live and now, first and foremost, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ]
12:11 am
>> jimmy: thank you. thank you for coming. thank you for watching. thank you for the kind message your sending your hands. i got to get this over. i got a load of cottons in the drier that i need to attend to. tonight, america reveled in another evening of beautiful dance on "dancing with the stars." the high score tonight went to brandy and the low score went to kurt warner. i don't know what's going on with this bristol palin but something's up. the judges were raving about her tonight. why, i have no idea. her mother must have threatened to shoot someone, is all i can think. she's not a good dancer. you think the daughter of a professional snow mobiler would have better rhythm. she got two 7s and an 8. if you really use your imagine nati imagination, i think this is the score the judges would have liked to have given. >> don't let the door.
12:12 am
>> hit you in the ass. >> on your way out. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: she remains. i don't know why. this is pretty crazy. there was a tornado in texas yesterday which is not the crazy part. the crazy part is in the middle of 125 mile an winds the navarro county emergency management coordinator decided to drive toward the tornado to tape it. i guess so the rest of us could enjoy it too. >> there it is, the tornado. >> jimmy: where are you? >> we're in the tornado! >> jimmy: oh, okay. turn out, they're in the tornado. [ cheers and applause ] there's another texas weather moment. you know, these local news channels go to great lengths to come up with graphics i guess to
12:13 am
illustrate what might possibly happen weatherwise. this is a local meteorologist in texas who apparently has difficulty recognizing shapes. >> the next one behind that could affect us later in the week. this is how it looks tomorrow. getting some steamy air. temperatures are going to be a few degrees higher tomorrow. >> jimmy: i mean, really, that doesn't -- no one notices that? [ applause ] mexico has become -- as a result of that graphic and no -- that reminds me, another rough weekend for brett favre. he last night brett favre threw three interceptions and lost to his old team the green bay packers. it's also being reported he's admitted in a meeting with nfl officials that he did leave voice mails of a sexual nature for a female employee of the jets when he was quarterback there but he denied he sent photographs of his pea nice,
12:14 am
even though they came from the same number. in other word, someone is using brett favre's phone to send pictures of his -- or her penis, i don't know. to me, the saddest part of the whole story is the woman he kept hitting on turned him down. at least tiger got sex out of the deal. i wonder if -- i don't know if the -- [ applause ] i don't know what you do -- i wonder if tiger called him? you know, like, hey, man, i just wanted to say, um, first of all, thanks for -- could i get that girl's number because -- anyway, i'd say this, if brett favre says the penis isn't his, believe him. if he would like to bring it here for me to compare and contrast with the photo, i will do that because someone has to set the record straight. or slightly curved. whichever. my offer to you, brett. [ applause ] the entire minnesota vikings organization.
12:15 am
former president george bush has a memoir coming out on november 9th. i tell you what, between these justin bieber biography and this, 2010 could turn out to be the biggest year ever for literatur literature. the book is called "decision points." the publicity push has begun. late last week, the president released a youtube video. it's not as good as the youtube video where he ate all the pickled eggs. >> the book opens with a personal decision. quitting drinking at age 40. a decision i could not have made without faith. i write a little bit about the experiences th s thas that forg character. growing up in west texas. being the son of a president. quitting drinking at age 40. i describe the path that led me into politics and ultimately to make one of the toughest decisions of my life, quitting drinking at age 40. and i describe the heroism of september 11th, 2001. 9/11 changed the course of history. and led to the hardest decision any president can make, quitting
12:16 am
drinking at age 40. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: good for him. you know, he quit drinking at age 40 so -- [ applause ] started right back up about an hour before he made that video i think. some more terrific news out of afghanistan. yesterday, "the new york times" reported that afghan president hamid karzai, who the united states backed thinking he'd be a good ally for us, has been receiving plastic bags full of money from the government of iran. which i think is a conflict of interest kind of, right? one bag reportedly contained as much as $6 million in cash. that had to be -- couldn't be a zip look for that much money. karzai's aides initially denied the story. today, he himself admitted that yes, iran does give him bags full of cash but it's nothing to worry about, he says. he says he -- this should not be made into a big story. he told president bush about it when they had a meeting. and he plans to keep that iranian money coming in. >> how can you assure the people
12:17 am
of afghanistan that none of this money has been diverted to personal use? >> well, ma'am, the -- the caspians are done by friendly countries to help the presidential office. >> jimmy: you know, if he ever gets thrown out of office, he could be karzai the car guy. and nutty people news closer to home, actor randy quaid and his wife were arrested in vancouver. because they're wanted here in california -- really? wanting to see them go down? they skipped out on warrants for failing to pay a $10,000 hotel bill and vandalizing a house they used to own. which is not even the weird part. the weird part is they asked for asylum in canada because they claim someone is killing hollywood's movie stars. the quaids believe heath ledger,
12:18 am
david carradine and a number of other stars were murdered by a mi mysterious group that is now trying to kill them but is too lazy to travel all the way to canada to kill them. this is their -- this is real, this is their attorney doing their very best to explain this to the press. >> this is for the world press. thank you for coming and dwre, we are requesting asylum from hollywood. star whackers. >> what does that mean? >> i'm just reading what's written here. >> we are requesting asylum. the star whackers. the star whackers are coming after the quaids? why did they say that in the first place? once they get to them, none of us are safe. i mean, i think the quaids might be a little crazy. so sign them up for a reality show immediately. [ applause ] one more thing, dr. oz is here
12:19 am
tonight. and the -- [ cheers and applause ] the last time dr. oz was here, he fondled me and he fondled guillermo, too, right? medically of course. the fact remains his hand was where no guest's hands have ever been. tonight he's here to do something called know your five. these are five things that dr. oz believes you need to know about your health. it's weight, blood pressure, waist size, cholesterol. i think there's a swimsuit competition. i'm not sure. tonight he's going to examine me. he's going to examine guillermo. he's going to examine our friend yehya. this morning, dr. oz sent one of his munchkins to our office to take blood. that's how that went. >> okay, guillermo, are you right handed or left handed? >> right handed. >> all right, we're just going to do a finger stick. >> is it over yet? >> almost. >> is there blood? >> a little bit. >> what is this for? >> this is for cholesterol and
12:20 am
glue clo gluco glucose, your total lipid panel and your glucose. >> guillermo has elmers glucose. look at those hands. >> are you right handed or left handed? >> i don't know. >> jimmy: he doesn't know. which one do you write with? >> use left -- >> jimmy: so don't do his knuckles. i don't know if you're going to be able to get through that. you may need -- >> that is not too red. >> hold that. >> my blood. you want some? >> are you nervous? >> jimmy: thank you, guillermo. >> sorry, jimmy. wow. >> jimmy: isn't that something? have you ever seen my blood before? >> you're a good bleeder.
12:21 am
>> jimmy: i'm a good bleeder. is that a good quality to have? >> it just means you're not dehydrated. >> jimmy: are these guys good bleeders? >> they're pretty good. >> jimmy: congratulations. we're all good bleeders. >> bleeder. could bleed more. >> jimmy: if a shark bites you, you would bleed more. so now we will wait for the test results. dr. oz will present them to us live on the air. >> yeah. >> jimmy: and if need be, dr. oz will do a prostate exam on -- would you like a prostate exam? >> it's okay. it's nice. >> oh, no, no, i don't need that. i don't need that. >> jimmy: all right. so we got a good show tonight. mike birbiglia is here. and right back to be examined by dr. oz so stick around.
12:22 am
[ male announcer ] in the event of a collision, the smartest thing you could do is cut the fuel supply, unlock the doors, and turn on the hazard lights. ♪ or better yet, get a car that automatically does it for you. ♪ ♪ ♪ lcan feel like a jungle of ifs. to steer clear of the confusion, go to metlife.com. you'll get straight answers. like how much you need and how much it costs. so you can make the best decision for your family.
12:23 am
go to metlife.com today. we all do it. ! but you don't have to. thanks to secret flawless renewal... with odor-absorbing icro capsules that capture... odor and release a fresh scent. it's still working, soyou can stop checking., as the towel used to dry them. so why use the same hand towel over and over instead of a clean, fresh one every time? kleenex® brand hand towels. a clean, fresh towel every time. cuz any regular footlong™ sub is a $5 footlong™ sub after 5pm when you buy 2 or more. even your flavor-ites like the chicken & bacon ranch. hurry in, offer ends soon! subway. eat fresh. callahan, you're on desk duty. turn in your weapon. [ telephone ringing in distance ]
12:24 am
[ male announcer ] movies just got more awesome. download and watch them on the go at 4g speeds. with the epic 4g, the smartphone ranked number 1 by pcworld. deaf, hard-of-hearing and people with speech disabilities, access www.sprintrelay.com.
12:25 am
12:26 am
>> jimmy: welcome back. with us tonight, an walks in his sleep. for real. hopefully he'll be sleeping when he comes out here. his new book is called "sleepwalk with me: and other painfully true stories," mike birbiglia is here. then later, the biggest rap star to come out of somalia by way of canada perhaps ever, this is his latest album, it's called "troubadour." k'naan, from the bud light stage. tomorrow, the next celebrity voted off "dancing with the stars," unless it is bristol palin, in which case she probably won't show up, will be here. john stamos and music from donovan frankenreiter. later this week, we'll be joined by william shatner, mandy moore, john quinones, hilary duff, and music from a perfect circle and a band who has become a sensation on youtube for a video they made in a subway train, you may have seen then, atomic tom with their first-ever performance on something called "television."
12:27 am
our first guest speaks directly to our hearts while looking directly into our commodes. watch him every day and you'll live forever, just like oprah, please welcome dr. mehmet oz. [ applause ] >> jimmy: how are you? >> how are your testicles doing? >> jimmy: they're fine. how's your colon? >> much better. >> jimmy: now that we've got the pleasantries out of the way. congratulations. since the last time you were here, you won best day time talk show host at the emmys. [ applause ] >> it was fun. >> jimmy: but you did not show up for the ceremony? >> all my friends think i'm arrogant. the reality, it was my wedding anniversary night. 25th wedding anniversary. my wife had long ago planned on taking us to italy. the emmy, what do they do, they put the event right on the same day so i had no choice.
12:28 am
>> jimmy: how was the italy trip? >> our show launched in italy. i have to shoot promos in italian. i'm out there, all of a sudden, the paparazzi. i'm like, how do these people know who i am? so after a while, these italian men, they're very polite, but the italian women came up and said, sir, they think you're george clooney. >> jimmy: really? well, that's all right. it could be worse. >> exactly. i said fine. >> jimmy: i know you don't eat anything. you eat like two bags of nuts a day or something like that. do you have -- why even bother going to italy? did you eat anything there? >> i eat a lot of food. it frustrates everyone that i eat so much. the reality is i do a lot of exercise. and we -- in the lake there, you can run up those hills, which will burn up any pasta. they serve the pasta el dente. >> jimmy: el dente is i think is
12:29 am
in hell or something like that. >> that's funny, that's good. you know, so you serve reasonable portions and you get going. >> jimmy: what is a reasonable portion, by the way? for me, it's the whole box. >> our plate sizes have gone from 9 inches to 13 inches over the course of a generation. take the pasta, put it on a 9 inch plate. don't overwhelm it, dripping off the sides. that's a reasonable serving of pasta. >> jimmy: wow, that's a shame. it always disappoints me when i see what humans are supposed to eat. you had a 50th birthday party a few months ago, right? >> i turned 50 in june. >> jimmy: so what did you do, do you have -- [ cheers and applause ] >> i know you'll think this is crazy. i had yoga parties for my birthday. i bring friends, a yoga teacher and we do yoga. it works. >> jimmy: at night? >> we go till anytime and then we have a real party.
12:30 am
>> jimmy: this isn't code for some sex party you're having, is it? >> it's a -- you know, i actually -- i sat at the party. my fatal mistake of hubris. i bragged i was going to get a colonoscopy. so i was patting myself on the back. and of course the rest, i end up with a polyp so the whole saga unfoils throughout the summer. >> jimmy: that's no good at all. >> no. >> jimmy: when you're having a yoga party every year for your birthday, why even bother living? i mean, that's another way to look at it. >> yes. it's uplifting. >> jimmy: so let's talk about know your five. these are five things you feel like people should monitor and -- like, what, every day should people -- >> no your five is about knowing the key five numbers that govern how long and how well you're going to live. we're starting in chicago where we do the chicago expo november 6. we're going to travel to los
12:31 am
angeles, new york. a lot of rural areas. and just make it easy for everyone to get tested. if you don't show up at one of our events, we'll bring it to you on the event. we make it really affordable for everyone to get this test. the goal is to sort of get people into the tent so they know where they stand. we had mayor daly as our first patient. guess who my nurse was. >> jimmy: let's see, nurse jackie? >> no. >> jimmy: oprah had to be there. >> oprah was my first nurse, exactly. >> jimmy: did you do her five? >> she hasn't come up yet. >> jimmy: how about that? the nurse. she'll nurse. but let's say -- you've not weighed oprah, have you? you can get hit by lightning for doing that. >> i have not weighed oprah. >> jimmy: i don't blame you. i wouldn't weigh oprah either. >> you're going to get me in trouble. >> jimmy: that's one thing, you have to weigh people. >> because you love them, you care about them. so you drag them down. the big problem of course is guys, guys out there, you don't ever know your five.
12:32 am
you don't know the key numbers that govern your health. you're wandering through life -- remember when we talked about the testicles? >> jimmy: i remember. >> because he's got other things going on. >> jimmy: guillermo has -- you know what? he's like candyland come to life. so you did a blood test on us. guillermo, yehya and me. and you have the results of the blood tests? >> i got them right here. >> jimmy: why don't we go through the five? >> i think what you might want to do is finish the measurements. so let's walk over. two unsuspecting victims over there. >> jimmy: very good. [ applause ] here we go. there they are. aren't they beautiful? >> and they are a wonderful group. all right. so we're going to start off with jimmy, with your blood pressure. take your jacket off. take your pants off too if you don't mind. >> jimmy: should we all get
12:33 am
naked? why not, right? >> so blood pressure, number one cause of aging in america is your blood pressure. >> jimmy: aging? i thought just having a lot of birthdays -- >> that's one of them. what big biceps you have. >> jimmy: thank you, thank you. i'm surprised you didn't need a special cuff made. >> as this is measuring, i'm going to go ahead and take your waist size. >> jimmy: you did this last time. >> don't mind my hand. >> jimmy: in some countries, we'd be engaged for some of the things that happened. >> suck in now. >> jimmy: that's what it was last time. >> who would have thought? 37 inches. running a little clinic here. i'll put this camera on the -- guys, come a little closer. that's on camera. let's go, guillermo. waist size, buddy. >> jimmy: guillermo, come on, buddy. >> turn and cuff please. >> jimmy: i don't think guillermo has a waist.
12:34 am
>> 41 inches. >> make it easy for you, no jacket. >> thank you. how come you didn't want to have a rectal exam? you don't trust me? 45 inches. >> jimmy: you know what, yehya actually thinks it's an act of homosexuality. why don't you have your prostate checked? >> i don't want that. i don't need it. >> jimmy: we'll warm up our hands and everything. >> no, no. >> your blood pressure is high. is it high always? >> jimmy: i don't know. i don't check my five. >> but you are on national television. it's 150 over 110. >> jimmy: okay, that's not good? >> i sell at that number. that's a little higher than you want it to be. get up on that scale. >> jimmy: me? okay. all right. keep in mind, i've got shoes on and -- >> oh, please. >> jimmy: i have my gun in my holster right now. >> all right, it's about -- >> jimmy: wait a minute, hold on, let's go down one. you go right up to the 200?
12:35 am
i mean -- all right. now, how can it not be either? >> 149.9. >> jimmy: thank you. [ cheers and applause ] how about the -- guillermo, jump up there. let me just go ahead and crank these up a couple. oh, forget it. are you crazy? >> oh, guillermo. >> jimmy: you think you're under 200 pounds? >> no, not under 200. guillermo, come on now, buddy. >> jimmy: let's slide that in the middle there. >> 206. >> jimmy: what did you think you were? >> 198. >> jimmy: 198? not in the united states you aren't. >> i take my shoes off? >> jimmy: you can leave your shoes on. we do have to deduct -- my shoes are very heavy shoes. >> 240?
12:36 am
>> 250. did i misread that? 250? >> i won. >> jimmy: you won, yeah. congratulations. [ applause ] he's a winner. >> gather around, everyone. let's go over these numbers. i'll start with you. in all honesty, you're strong, you're a bull. part of the reason we're doing this first one in chicago is there are more firefighters in chicago that have died from the fork than from fires. >> jimmy: really, they got stabbed with forks? >> your triglycerides are high. >> what do i do? >> i'm going to tell you. the biggest problem is you're prediabetic. >> i know, i have cholesterol high. >> your sugar's high. 80 million americans have high sugar. >> because all my -- two sugar, five. every day. >> jimmy: i think cut down to three. >> pieces of glass shrapnel scraping the inner sides of your arteries when you have that sugar. that's all gone for you.
12:37 am
plus your blood pressure -- you make jimmies look low. 210 over 126. >> jimmy: wow, congratulations, you won that one too. all right, guillermo. >> guillermo, my friend. your triglycerides are 126. your ldl is 126. >> what's that? >> you got too much of that stuff in your blood also. and you do have those -- because your waist size is too large. >> okay. what about this one? >> i'm coming to jimmy. >> i got milk duds, my friend. >> jimmy, my friend, everything is perfect. >> jimmy: thank you. >> except your blood pressure's a little high. you have a family history of heart disease? >> no. >> jimmy: because your hdl -- >> there's two kinds of cholesterol. the lousy ldl cholesterol. both of yours are high. it's like a pillsbury doughboy.
12:38 am
spews out cholesterol wherever it goes. you don't want that kind. then there's hdl, healthy cholesterol, like mighty mouse. collects the cholesterol and takes it out of your body. and yours is very low. you don't have much of that superman good stuff -- >> jimmy: should i eat more pizza? >> no. yes? >> he doesn't like to do exercise too much. >> that's the problem. >> jimmy: what are you? [ applause ] two times a week? that doesn't count. guillermo, i'm a foot taller than you. we weigh the same amount. >> no, but you worse than me. >> i tell honest, he's also -- don't make exercise. i teach him -- swim, he don't know how -- >> jimmy: all right, we got to wrap it up. >> exercise, like any part of
12:39 am
your future from now on. the best way to raise up that hdl number is niasin. and exercise. we'll do it together. a muscle building exercise. >> jimmy: quick guy, as we go out. >> lay like this on your side. like this. >> jimmy: oh, i can't do that. >> on your side. face the camera. this is jimmy kimmel show. we'll be right back. here, take the card. you go to the shops... i'll meet you at the gate. thanks. please remove all metal objects out of your pockets. with chase freedom you can get a total of 5% cash back. fun money from freedom. that's 5% cash back in quarterly categories and an unlimited 1% cash back everywhere else. and this too. does your card do this? i'm going to need a supervisor over here at gate 4. sign up for this quarter's bonus today. chase what matters. go to chase.com/freedom.
12:40 am
[ elephant trumpets ] [ male announcer ] jared's training for the ing new york city marathon with one of his favorites, the tasty subway club®. subway. east fresh.
12:41 am
it's work through the grime and the muck, month. tow and pull without getting stuck month. sweat every day to make an honest buck month. it's truck month. great deals on the complete family of chevy trucks. during truck month, use your all-star edition discount for a total value of six thousand dollars. or hurry in before november 1st to get 0% apr financing on all 2011 trucks and full-size suvs. see your local chevrolet dealer.
12:42 am
after another. and another. just a dishonest politician, trying to hide his record of failure. the real brown plan? more spending on out-of-control state pensions. more favors for the big teachers union, blocking education reform. more job-killing taxes and regulations. more of the same old failure from sacramento. job killer jerry brown. always more taxes, more spending, and more lost jobs.
12:43 am
>> jimmy: welcome back. our next guest has turned his potentially dangerous sleep condition into a very successful off-broadway show. his new book is called "sleepwalk with me and other painfully true stories." please welcome mike birbiglia. [ cheers and applause ] are you sleeping right now? >> no, no, i'm wide awake.
12:44 am
i'm not sure but i think that you may have asked dr. oz if he weighed oprah. >> jimmy: i did ask, yeah. >> did that happen? was i watching the same television show? >> jimmy: he said if you love somebody, you should weigh them. i think. something like that. >> yeah, and that's why you weighed guillermo. >> jimmy: everyone loves oprah. then he a tacks me as if i'm some kind of animal. >> it's for your own good. >> jimmy: this is not over, by the way, guillermo, this is not over by any stretch of the imagination. >>looking good on the side push-ups, guillermo. >> jimmy: the book is really funny. for those that don't know, you really are a sleep walker. >> yeah. >> jimmy: which is weird and funny for everyone except you and your wife. >> yeah. >> jimmy: and you talk about -- besides that, you talk about your childhood and you go through stories. >> yeah, it's kind of -- i kind of retrace the steps of my -- of the pain and my life. and the awkwardness. i actually call people from my
quote
12:45 am
childhood to check my facts. i say, remember this? >> jimmy: that's a good idea because you change thing, right? like where did you call? >> i called like this girl i had a crush on who sat in front of me in seventh grade named lisa beseti. yeah. and -- hey. and so -- and i was, you know, i was one of three suitors. she was very popular. i was in third place. and so in all the trade publications. but, you know, but i could make her laugh. that was the thing i had going for me. and she had to talk to me on the phone every night about homework, thanks to alphabetical order. and so one time i said something that made her laugh. i'm like this is good, i got to do that now. one time she was laughing so hard. she goes, mike, you got to stop, i'm gonna pee myself. i was like wow. that is the closest i'd ever come to a vagina. [ cheers and applause ]
12:46 am
yeah. so i spent -- i spent the next 15 years trying to get lisa to pee. and so that's how i ended up here. >> jimmy: we had her pee on the seat before you came out. >> oh, that's so sweet. i didn't even notice. >> jimmy: so you realized that you're -- well, that your key to maybe potentially getting a girlfriend was humor. >> i talked through this with lisa because i asked her to go to the carnival with me. and i was really excited about this. i thought, you know, it would be like a are mantic comedy montage. you know, we'd go on some rides. and we'd make out. it would be like -- take a minute and a half and it would be set to a bruce hornsby song. i think when you're 12 years old, you just don't understand certain things about the digestive system. like you don't know that you shouldn't eat popcorn and pea t
12:47 am
peanuts and funnel cake and cotton candy and then go on a machine called the scrambler. cotton candy being the most insane of these items. it's basically like saying we're going to take sugar, which everyone knows is bad, but then we'll dress it up like insulation. i'm not sure what the selling point is there. so we went on the scrambler. and i don't know if you're familiar with the scrambler. >> jimmy: we didn't have one. but i can imagine the scrambler would be something -- >> the premise is you sit on a two-person pod with the person you're in love with. and then that pod goes in a circle, which is part of an even larger circle which is part of an even grander circle. as i understand, it was originally designed as a medical device for constipated patients. and then one guy goes, i have a nephew who's 16 years old and
12:48 am
smokes pot 24 hours a day. i feel like he might be available. and so anyway, i'm with lisa. we sit down and they put the bar seat belt down, which is not a very reassuring piece of safety equipment. and then -- and i know i'm gonna throw up. i even say to the 16-year-old, stoner, i'm like, hey, actually -- he's gone. he doesn't enjoy the second half of sentences. >> jimmy: yeah. >> and then we started scrambling. and this is kind of the gist of it. i'm thinking, i need to come up with a plan of some kind. first plan, don't look at lisa, don't look at any other people. don't look at lisa. don't look at other people. i need a new plan. and new plan was i needed to tell the scrambler operator that he needed to stop the ride.
12:49 am
but the mathematics of the scrambler are such that the window of opportunity in which one can communicate with the scrambler operator is, it's very limit eed window. i'm like, i got to tell the guy to stop the ride. and then i'm back. i don't know if he heard me. i got to say it louder. please stop the ride! [ applause ] and the third time i said, please stop the -- and then i started throwing up and it was not unlike an oscillating lawn sprinkler just -- popcorn and peanuts and insulation. and, really, insulating pavement with my homemade carnival salsa. we did not make out. >> jimmy: you didn't make out? >> no. >> jimmy: not a happy ending to the story. >> i did not lose my mouth virginity. >> jimmy: she's got to be kicking herself now. that is the book. it's called "sleep walk with me
12:50 am
and other painfully true stories." available now. mike birbiglia. looif i'll finally get the can fecoverage my family deserves. if it's something we can afford. to steer clear of the confusion, go to metlife.com in less than 5 minutes, you'll get straight answers. like how much life insurance you really need and how much it costs. so, no matter where you end up buying, you'll make
12:51 am
the best decision for your family. get guarantees for the if in life. from metlife. call 1-888-metlife for your free quote with no pressure or obligation. wa♪ch this.
12:52 am
it's a pretty big deal. it's been a dream of mine to restore it. and it's my dream for him to finish it. frank has something great to save up for. this is my dad. isn't that cool? and a very understanding girlfriend. i showed him a wells fargo savings account with my savings plan. [ frank ] and what it does is it takes a little bit of my money and puts it towards my goal. i want to get all the original parts and do it right. for my dad. there's a couple months in between parts. so, one at a time. [ male announcer ] wells fargo. with you when it's time to save. ♪
12:53 am
12:54 am
you can do whatever you want. my team is going to come busting through that door. [ door opens ] ♪ here we go. right now! [ guys ] go! go! go! go!
12:55 am
johnson, secure the pizza puffs in the kitchen. burke! i want a recon team on that brunette in the corner. and i'll commandeer the bud light. [ male announcer ] it's the sure sign of a good time. the just right taste of bud light. here we go. hey, you guys got any ice? here we go. here, take the card. you go to the shops... i'll meet you at the gate. thanks. please remove all metal objects out of your pockets. with chase freedom you can get a total of 5% cash back. fun money from freedom. that's 5% cash back in quarterly categories
12:56 am
and an unlimited 1% cash back everywhere else. and this too. does your card do this? i'm going to need a supervisor over here at gate 4. sign up for this quarter's bonus today. chase what matters. go to chase.com/freedom. you've never held it in your hand, then unleashed it with a fingertip. never watched pixels whip by at 1 ghz and had your neurons struggle to keep up. you've never seen fast because you've never seen this. the droid incredible by htc. it's nothing short of its name. buy a droid incredible with flash and get any phone free. we knew the perfect place to go. man: cheers, everyone. i guess i did okay. i knew they'd love him. introducing olive garden's two new sacchetti dishes. stuffed pasta pouches filled with four italian cheeses. with herb marinated chicken breasts
12:57 am
in a garlic cream sauce. or with savory sauteed shrimp. both served with our unlimited salad and breadsticks. it was a great time. and good practice for my parents. olive garden. when you're here, you're family. come on... isn't it time an auto insurer gave it to you straight? that's why you should talk to state farm. but not yet. first, talk to any one of the 40 million drivers who already have state farm. 40 million. yeah, that's more than geico and progressive combined. by a lot. 40 million drivers. more savings. and discounts up to 40%. where else you gonna get discounts like that? call an agent at 1-800-state-farm or go online.
12:58 am
12:59 am
>> jimmy: here with the song, "fatima" from his latest album "troubadour," k'naan. ♪ ♪ picture the morning taste and devour we rise early pace up the hour ♪ ♪ streets is bustling hustling their heart out you can't have the sweet with no sour ♪ ♪ spices herbs and the sweet scent of flower we came out precisely the hour ♪ ♪ clouds disappear the sun shows the power no chance of a probable shower ♪ ♪ i fell in love with my neighbor's daughter i wanted to protect and support her ♪ ♪ never mind i'm just twelve and a quarter i had dreams beyond our border ♪ ♪ is it true when they say all you need is just love is it true ♪ ♪ what about those who have loved only to find that it's taken away ♪ ♪ and why do they say that
1:00 am
the children have rights to be free to be free ♪ ♪ what about those who i've known whose memory still lives inside of me ♪ ♪ fatima what did the young man say before he stole you away ♪ ♪ on that fateful day fatima ♪ ♪ fatima did he know your name or the plans we made ♪ ♪ to go to new york city fatima ♪ ♪ and after school we studied the lessons i ask god to slow down the seconds ♪ ♪ he does the opposite that's what i'm guessing i better chill and count my own blessings ♪ ♪ fatima fatima what is the matter how come you ain't come up the ladder ♪ ♪ so we can be like there's no tomorrow damn you gonna make me wait til tomorrow ♪ ♪ she spoke arabic and swahili she'd say upendo anta habibi ♪ ♪ you so bright you shine like my tv then one day she never came to meet me ♪
1:01 am
♪ is it true when they say all you need is just love ♪ ♪ what about those who have loved only to find that it's taken away ♪ ♪ and why do they say that the children have rights to be free to be free ♪ ♪ what about those who i've known whose memory still lives inside of me ♪ ♪ fatima what did the young man say before he stole you away ♪ ♪ on that fateful day fatima ♪ ♪ fatima did he know your name or the plans we made ♪ ♪ to go to new york city fatima ♪ ♪ if beauty was in the eyes of beholder how come everyone hushed when she walked by ♪ ♪ come girls would look just to scold her how come the angel wanted to hold her ♪ ♪ fatima, fatima i'm in america i make rhymes and i make them delicate ♪ ♪ you would have liked the parks in connecticut
1:02 am
you would have said i'm working too hard again ♪ ♪ damn you shooter damn you the building whose walls hid the blood she was spilling ♪ ♪ damn you country ♪ so good at killing damn you feeling ♪ for persevering ♪ is it true when they say all you need is just love ♪ what about those who have loved only to find that it's taken away ♪ ♪ and why do they say that the children have rights to be free to be free ♪ ♪ what about those who i've known whose memory still lives inside of me ♪ ♪ fatima what did the young man say before he stole you away on that fateful day fatima ♪ ♪ fatima did he know your name or the plans we made ♪ ♪ to go to new york city fatima ♪ ♪ fatima what did the young man say before he took you away
1:03 am
on that fateful day fatima ♪ ♪ fatima did he know your name or the plans we made ♪ ♪ to go to new york city fatima ♪ ah mom, you still clip coupons? well, it all adds up. that's sweet mom.
1:04 am
in honor of your thriftiness, i'll serve- [jack's voice] 2 croissant sandwiches for just 3 bucks. made with fresh egg, sausage or our new hickory smoked bacon and melting cheese. your such a good son. i'm so glad you dropped by! i love coming home mom. patty, call the doctor. it's been more than 4 hours... hi jack. i look great in my wedding dress with the help of your amazing light soups. now we're adding even bigger pieces of white-meat chicken.

246 Views

info Stream Only

Uploaded by TV Archive on