captioning sponsored by cbs >> stephen: what?! it says here they're making breakfast cereal out of girl scout cookies now? hey, can you bring me some of that girl scout breakfast cookie for lunch please? >> it doesn't come out till january. >> stephen: i'd like it now, please. >> january. >> stephen: damn it! i don't have to wait, i'm going to make my own breakfast cereal. ( laughter ) ahhh! mmm... >> what are you doing? >> stephen: i'm eating cereal. how did you get in here?

we're, like, adorable little navy seals. but i'm not feeling that adorable right now. >> stephen: why? because i did the thing with the cereal and the cookies? >> i took an oath to be courteous and cheerful, and i try -- by god, i try. but when i see our thin mints degraded like this, i ju to mend it! >> stephen: fine! i just love your cookies so much i wanted to try your cookie cereal, but i'll just wait! i'll wait till january, okay? just don't hurt me! she's crazy! you're crazy! i'm scared... you know what? i'm not going to let her tell me what to do. i'm going to eat this cereal right out of the trash can.

>> announcer: it's "the late show" with stephen colbert! tonight, stephen welcomes mary louise parker. pusha t. and musical guest "the record company." featuring jon batiste and "stay human." now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ? >> stephen: hey! hey, everybody! welcome to the "late show." ( cheers and applause ) oh! ?

? thanks, everybody! thank you so much! welcome to "the late show"! hey, jon! what's going on? welcome to "the late show," everybody. i'm stephen colbert. chanting my name, that's amazing, i just feel like asking all of you to marry me right now. i don't know, there is something in the air. well, only 12 days are left between now and donald trump -- ( cheering ) -- that's such a happy thought. just hold on, snoopy. >> jon: hold on! >> stephen: but here's the deal. donald trump is getting a lot of heat for taking time off from campaigning to open his new trump hotel just a mile from the white house -- which, hopefully, is as close as he gets. ( laughter )

i don't know. maybe we could put up one of those invisible fences and a shock collar like you give your doberman. ( laughter ) but yesterday, trump was asked about and had a perfect defense for the ribbon cutting. >> i can't take one hour off to cut a ribbon at one of the great hotels of the world? i mean, i think i'm entitled to it. >> stephen: yes, "i think i'm entitled to it." which is also the motto on the trump family crest. ( laughter ) ( applause ) yeah. and his pickup line at bars. ( audience reacts ) >> jon: oh! oh! oh! >> stephen: i mean, after all the money i spent on tic tacs, i think i'm entitled to it. ( laughter ) and trump seized the moment to

because, you know, hillary clinton goes to see an adele concert last night, and everybody says, "oh, wasn't that nice? isn't that wonderful?" she goes, she does one stop, she has no energy, she's got nothing going. she does one stop, and nobody complains about that. nobody complains when she goes to an adele concert all night long. >> stephen: yeah, nobody complained, except for bill after she screamed the entire song "hello" directly into his face. ( laughter ) ( singing hello ) ( laughter ) point is, the election is getting ugly. or as trump would say, "it wouldn't be my first choice." ( applause ) i don't think so, folks. listen to this shocking act of vandalism. >> today, before the sun rose, a star was attacked on the

a protester smashed it with a sledgehammer and then posted the video online. >> stephen: a lot of people are applauding this, but this is the hollywood walk of fame. as a tv star, trump has earned the right to have his name urinated on by a guy in a spiderman costume. ( laughter ) ( applause ) all right? that's sacred. that is a sacred and defacing public property isn't the only dirty trick the democrats have pulled this election. conservative activist james o'keefe has released hidden camera footage of democratic operatives discussing plans to disrupt donald trump rallies. and the footage is pretty damning. >> i mean honestly, it is not hard to get some of these ( bleep ) to pop off. it's a matter of showing up, to want to get into the rally, in a planned parenthood t-shirt.

you know? you can message to draw them out, and draw them to punch you. >> stephen: so democratic operatives were training -- paying activists to incite violence at trump rallies. which is a waste of money. donald trump already does that for free. and now o'keefe has released a video of d.n.c. member and man who really should have gone into porn, bob creamer, who was caught on hidden camera admitting he sent a man in a donald duck costume to disrupt a trump rally. >> in the end, it was the candidate, hillary clinton, the future president of the united states, who wanted ducks on the ground... so by god, we will get ducks on the ground. >> stephen: yes, hillary clinton ordered ducks on the ground. it was all part of "operation

( laughter ) ( applause ) now, we spend a lot of time talking about trump and hillary on this show. but there's a third candidate who's surprised people with his momentum. sorry, libertarians, it's not gary johnson. i'm talking about independent candidate evan mcmullin. anybody recognize him? you shouldn't because that wasn't him. that's a stock photo titled "caucasian politician smiling in government building." this is evan mcmullin, the conservative mormon who, in one recent poll, is ahead of both donald trump and hillary clinton in utah. this is unprecedented. a candidate you've never heard

he's a 40-year-old independent who spent ten years in the c.i.a. hunting down al-qaeda's. leaders. he's a c.i.a. agent! and his cover is so deep, he's running for president, and we had no idea. that's good! he's really good! >> we didn't know. nobody knew. >> stephen: this is the american dream, ladies and gentlemen. a regular guy sees something wrong with the system, so he jumps into the race, and the people rally behin some are calling it reminiscent of jimmy stewart in "mr. smith goes to washington." not to be confused with jimmy stewart in "it's a wonderful life," which reminds us of how watching this election makes us wish we'd never been born. ( laughter ) now say hello to jon batiste and stay human, everybody.

>> stephen: i love the beethoven, jon. >> jon: so do i. >> stephen: beethoven can be a little spooky, dramatic. >> jon: almost halloween. >> stephen: what are you going to be for halloween, man? >> stephen: i was a power ranger last >> stephen: what color? i was the red ranger but i never left my house. >> stephen: you got dress up as the red ranger and then just sat in your house? >> there is proof on instagram to prove it. i put it on but i was embarrassed so i didn't leave. >> stephen: why were you embarrassed? >> because when i was a kid, i wanted to be the red ranger. >> stephen: but why were you

ranger? >> because i'm not a kid anymore. >> stephen: i love halloween. please don't be embarrassed. >> yeah. >> stephen: i love halloween. you like it? >> jon: i love it. it's great. >> stephen: you know the one thing halloween lacks is there is no really good halloween noveltiy songs. sure, there's "the monster mash," but that's over 50 years old. we need a new one. i recently took the matter into my own hands. >> jon: oh, so, i got together with my good friends, hip hop impressarios run the jewels, and we created what i have to believe will be an instant holiday classic. so tonight, i'm proud to present the world premiere of the song you'll all be singing with your ghouls and goblins. this is "the halloween wiggle." >> aye ha ha ha ha! ? the moon was full ?

? i could feel in my bones something wasn't quite right ? ? i walked downstairs and i opened the door ? ? and what i saw set me jaw to the floor ? ? at first i was scared ? ? then i started to giggle ? ? 'cause i saw dragla do the halloween wiggle ? ? this ain't ya daddy's monster mash. the jewel, the jewel ? ? the graveyard smash. i'm about to find out if you're a treat or tricky ? ? spread your cobwebs, arch your back and i'll stick my hand down your candy sack ? ? halloween might you bite on your pillow like it's a marshmallow ? ? listen up close ? ? there is a creepy wiggle i dig the most ? ? stretch your back wings, make them clap and don't forget to do the skeleton clap ?

unwrapped snickers. stick my face in a candy bar ? ? turn you around, lick your hershey ? ? fun, if you bring your gang ? ? be ware of casper and his spooky chain ? ? keep your eyes peeled for ghouls and ghost ? ? halloween's a treat and i dig it the most ? ? take it to the graveyard ? ? gonna give you a treat because you're my trait ? ? you dress as a witch ? ? i'll provide the broomstick ? ? trick or treating is about as much as fun as you can get ? ? i whip out my monster (bleep) ? ? and we're still wiggling, the halloween wiggle ? ? make the candy apples jiggle jiggle girl ?

? but now the party's over and it's time to scoot ? ? so go home guys ? ? put some candles on ? ? and jack your lantern till the break of dawn ? >> kids are washing. he said hershey (bleep). you said hershey (bleep). you're laughing about it. ? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you run the jules! we'll be right back! ? ( cheers and applause ) i was out here smoking instead of being there for my son's winning shot. that was it for me. that's why i'm quitting with nicorette. only nicorette mini has a patented fast dissolving formula. it starts to relieve sudden cravings fast. every great why needs a great how.

activating thrusters. target acquired. dang it! ah! come on! astronauts can vote from space. take a break from the election with red or blue tea. make time for snapple. ? ?

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>> stephen: welcome back. if you watch the show regularly, you know i'm a practicing catholic. unfortunately, i don't make it to church as often as i used to, and the thing i miss most is confession. unburdening myself of my sins takes a huge weight off -- like the pope must feel when he takes off that huge hat. ( laughter ) so, i was wondering if i could make a few confessions tonight to you, my audience. you won't tell anybody, right? >> audie o >> stephen: great. this is "stephen colbert's midnight confessions." ? ( cheers and applause ) standard disclaimer: these might not all technically be sins, but i do feel guilty about them.

( or -- organ music ) forgive me, audience-- you know those little silica packets that have a warning on them saying "do not eat?" that's because of me. i tell people i want to be cremated, but really i hope someone puts my skin on a robot. ( laughter ) sometimes i tell people i'm too busy to read, but really i just don't want to spoil any book in case it becomes an hbo show. ( laughter ) not only do i not know how to fold a fitted sheet, i don't believe it can be done. ( laughter )

when somebody says, "knock-knock," i pretend i'm not home. ( laughter ) audience -- whenever i hear some nerd go on and on about "star wars", i want to slap him with my original "star wars" episode 7, replica kylo ren light saber in its original packaging. ( laughter ) ( applause ) sometimes on the street, i check my pulse and look at my watch just to make people think i've been exercising. ( laughter ) yeah, i'm in the zone. i read erotic fan fiction, but i write erotic fan non-fiction.

you know, audience -- i'm sad that obama is leaving office, but i'm really looking forward to seeing him get kind of fat. ( laughter ) i don't like shag carpeting because it looks like someone killed and skinned a muppet. ( laughter ) i've only been rock-climbing once. ( applause ) i tell everyone i'm a hufflepuff, but i'm actually more of a chandler because i took the wrong quiz. ( laughter ) i love sunrises because, by then, i've usually finished burying the body.

>> audience: we forgive you! >> stephen: thanks. we'll be right back with mary louise parker. ? ( cheers and applause ) enjoy your phone! you too. (inner monologue) all right, be cool. you got the amazing new iphone 7 on the house by switching to at&t... what??.... aand you got unlimited data because you have directv?? okay, just a few more steps... it's cool get the iphone 7 on us and unlimited data when you switch to at&t and have directv. ? oh ? ? with a little bit of uh uh, and a little bit of ? ? i said, it's getting hot in herre ?

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looking for balance in your digestive system? try align probiotic. for a non-stop, sweet treat goodness, hold on to your tiara kind of day. get 24/7 digestive support, with align. the #1 doctor recommended probiotic brand. now in kids chewables. ( cheers and applause ) ? >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! my first guest tonight is -- you're too generous. ( chanting ) >> stephen: >> stephen: my first guest tonight is a golden globe, emmy, and tony award-winning actress and writer. she now stars in "heisenberg" on broadway. please welcome mary-louise parker!

>> hi! happy almost halloween. >> stephen: you, too. do you do the halloween still? do you dress up? >> oh, yeah. hands-free candy. it starts now, though. my kids were getting it from the doorman. don't they have that where you live, like they have the bucket out already with candy? >> stephen: i don't live in a doorman building. >> i'm sorry, stephen. >> stephen: i'll get there. i'll put some outside your place. >> stephen: do you still dress up. >> last year someone thought i was dressed as me. >> stephen: they thought you were somebody dressing up to be mary louise parker? >> yeah. they said, she's not as tall as you, though.

>> stephen: do you have a costume worked out for this year? >> this year my daughter and i are going to be vampires. >> stephen: that's cool. i'm a vampire every year. >> okay. >> stephen: it's the sexiest of the undead. >> right. >> stephen: don't you think? i guess so. i mean, i went one year, i did mermaid and then i did an elf because my son wanted to be santa, and i got a lot of attention as the elf, i have to say more than snow white or the mermaid. and i was more covered, also. it was a more demure costume. kind of nordic, fantasy, like north pole, velvet, crushed velvet. >> stephen: okay. we should move on. this is cbs. so you were at show "time" for years. >> i was. i went on show "time" back when people made fun of me for being on show "time."

we're going to do our show live on show time from 11:00 to 12. would you advise that? >> if you're on show time you have to be at least partially naked. it's also a good idea, are you going to have sex? some sexual -- ( laughter ) >> stephen: on air, live? with some punitive tone, a ratings. >> stephen: depends on how the polls are coming in. >> you don't have to. i mean, you know. >> stephen: i'm up for it. i'm up for it. yeah. now, you live in a doorman building, you said, but i understand you also have a farm you care about. >> i do care. i like that. i care for my farm.

oh, here it is. >> stephen: some people have farms but they don't live there. >> they take a picture of it. >> stephen: exactly. this is maple syrup -- >> we tapped the trees for this syrup. that's my daddy on the back. >> stephen: oh, that's really sweet. >> i know, and we -- it's just straight out of the tree. >> stephen: high moon creek. boil it. you can't just take it straight out of the tree. >> we boil it quite extensively a few times and filter it. >> stephen: stick a straw in a maple tree. >> you could, it's not as sweet. are you going to taste it? i'm so excited. ( cheering ) >> stephen: that's damn fine! that's good, right? >> stephen: wow! what's that, like a medium amber? what is this? >> this is the first crop, first batch, so it's nice, right? >> stephen: that's really good. wow. so you birth the animals. i understand you had troubles

you had to get real hands on with a randy goat. >> well, the goats are given me lots of opportunities as an adult. i get to say my favorite sentence i've ever said to my children which was could one of you get that umbilical cord off the coffee table? ( laughter ) yeah. >> stephen: yeah, one of the things we've lost in our modern life. >> it is. i liked being able to -- i loved that dialogue. >> there was a goat. i wasn't pushing for castration of the goat -- >> stephen: so the goat was in trouble with the herd? >> yeah, lobbying for the other dude goats who weren't getting a shot. they weren't getting any chances at the lady goats. >> stephen: that's major. this one billy goat was really ravaging the lady goats. >> stephen: bully or stud? fine line. >> i see what you mean. he was really straddling that

( laughter ) but in the end i felt like he -- ( laughter ) ( applause ) yeah, okay. he went after my son's goat, who i have a real soft spot for, and that's when i really said this is where it stops. >> stephen: get the gelding sheers. >> they're actually called de-nutters. i swear to god they are. if you ever have me on again which you probably won't, i'l bring them with me. >> stephen: please do and sit in that chair. ( laughter ) >> it really was my way of -- i was trying to end list the support of everyone else's support of the male goats. they weren't getting any play. the ladies were limping around, bleating sadly to themselves. they were exhausted. >> stephen: so did you end up chopping off the nuts of this goat? >> in fact, we didn't.

and my neighbor was holding him down and we ultimately dearmed the goat. >> stephen: was he that bad? i'm pretty good with anatomy, but when it comes to extremes -- >> stephen: goat time. exactly. we thought if we could go with the horns that would calm him down. >> stephen: do you take the horns off? his whole -- >> stephen: because he can't fight the other goats? >> because he had with the cover band going, like with the commodores or something. he was shrinking up to all the other goats. >> stephen: did not follow the commodores met for, but let's move on. >> when you think about the aphrodisiac, you know, you put a sound track to the goats sort of sidling up to a lady goat. >> stephen: like the

ow! >> i was thinking of i'm easy or something like that. >> stephen: that's your go-to romantic song? >> i don't know that i have one at those times when i'm getting romantic with a goat. >> stephen: right now you're romantic with broadway. you're at the manhattan theater club doing "heisenberg." ( applause ) "heisenberg," obviously, a theoretical phis understand this play? >> no. in fact, i prefer my audience members to be stupid. i think people should be -- that way you don't know have to know anything about at all about anything like that. it's poetic metaphor. i'm very impressed you know he was -- a lot of people think he was -- he was a quantum mechanics theoretical physicist but that you made that

impressive. >> stephen: that's all i want to be. ( applause ) this is running now? >> it is. that's my very sexy co-star who is getting lots of lady attention at the moment, 77, making his broadway debut. >> stephen: wow. ( applause ) >> i know. he's wonderful. >> stephen: "heisenberg" presented by the manhattan theatre club is on broadway and "dear mr. you" is available now. mary-louise parker, everybody! we'll beht ( cheers and applause ) ? 23rd times the charm. shhh. (clink) boom. yes! 23rd time is the charm, cliff. yea, you showed me. yes, you did. (shelly thinking) this must be how odell beckham feels when he scores a game winning touchdown.

(odell thinking) this must be how shelly felt when she won that purple bear. ? ? pepsi. when you ache and haven't slept... you're not you. tylenol? pm relieves pain and helps you fall fast asleep and stay asleep. we give you a better night. you're a better you all day. tylenol?. hillary clinton: far too many families today don't earn what they need and don't have the opportunities they deserve.

st and afford, equal pay for women, and jobs they can really live on. people ask me what will be different if i'm president? well kids and families have been the passion of my life and they will be the heart of my presidency. i'm hillary clinton and i approve this message. ? ? ? ? ? ?

we are the utility. be unstoppable. robert kearney: i fought for my country in kosovo and iraq, and i've been a republican all my life.

ure don't want my daughters hearing it. i want my girls to grow up proud and strong, in a nation where they're valued and respected. donald trump's america is not the country i fought for. so, i'm voting for hillary clinton. hillary clinton: i'm hillary clinton and i approve this message. ? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody!

recording artist, social activist and the president of kanye west's record label good music. please welcome pusha t! ( cheers and applause ) ? >> so nice to meet you! how are you? >> stephen: welcome to the show. >> thanks for having me. >> stephen: first time we ever talked to each other. >> yeah. >> stephen: okay if mary louise stays out here? >> yes. nice to meet you. >> stephen: pusha, mr. t., what would you prefer? >> push. >> stephen: push. you probably are the best known for song grindin' which has an incredible iconic beat. you hear it coming out of school buses, on movie sound tracks. >> lunchroom tables. >> stephen: jimmy, could you drop the beat so we could

? ? >> right. yeah. >> stephen: that's nice. famous beat. a lot of time i see people walking in movies in slow motion pulling out guns. like 21 jump street. >> it happens. >> stephen: did you know, when you first heard the beep, did you know that was going to be big? i know, farrell williams and chad made the beat and threatened me and told me if i was not at the studio in ten minutes to get the beat, he was going to give the beat to jay-z. me and farrell grew up in the same town. so the fact he would give a great beat to an artist not from

up. ( laughter ) of course, i made it in ten minutes and the rest is history. >> sure. >> stephen: yeah. he's going to give up his beat. >> stephen: you ever had a part almost taken away from you if you're not there in ten minutes? >> probably. probably that's what's happening right now. ( laughter ) >> stephen: you also are involved in the mcdonald's jingle "i'm lovin' it," right? >> yes. >> stephen: what's your involvement in that song? because that must be like bigger recorded. >> i think mcdonald's got over. actually, um, i wrote the rap version to i'm lovin' it. it was myself, justin timberlake actually wrote the i'm lovin' it part, and we had to do a rap version thanks to steve stoute, but i wrote it and then, you know, after that me and my brother got this payout check

( laughter ) >> stephen: really? really? like at his home or something like that? >> no, like with a whole bunch of corporate mcdonald's people and sponsors. that was it. >> in the wig? did he have -- >> he had the wig on. he really did. >> stephen: what's he like off camera. is he a good guy? >> he just smiled a lot. he didn't talk. he just smiled and waved. i thought i was four again. >> stephen: do you have free mcdonald's for the rest of your >> no. they only gave me an acknowledgment. >> stephen: well, you got a little bit involved in the clinton campaign here. >> yeah. >> stephen: there is a little bit of controversy online about this because hillary clinton release this tweet. she said "enter to win. meet pusha t. register to vote and you're automatically entered to win. all right? >> right. ( applause ) >> stephen: now, people have questioned whether you and

this is one of the tweets that's going on out there, if hillary clinton can tell me who pusha t is, i'll tell kong i deleted those e-mails and benghazi was my idea. ( laughter ) ( applause ) so do you and hillary clinton actually know each other? >> we met eachout snore you met? via face time and i'm hoping to meet her on november 8th. i just got invited -- >> stephen: a little busy that >> no, i just got invited to a party. >> stephen: really? yeah. >> stephen: we're doing the show live here on election night, and we're all going to be naked. >> he's going to be nude. >> stephen: it's her idea. we're going to have sex. >> stephen: a little bit of this. a little bit of this. it's a party man. >> animal. i'm probably going to miss that one ( laughter ) but i will be at hillary's party, i promise. >> stephen: do you think hillary has a lot of connection with the hip-hop community?

>> doesn't she have hot sauce in her bag? >> stephen: she does. that means she's a beyonce fan. that's good. >> i introduced snoop at the democratic national convention after-party where they relegated me to the snoop dogg after-party. they thought i would fit best with snoop. >> stephen: did he sing a song? >> he sang a song i don't believe i can repeat on television. >> stephen: an we can bleep it. >> it said f trump. (bleep). ( applause ) >> stephen: now, one of your biggest issues is about the incarceration rates in the united states. >> yes. >> stephen: do you think that hillary clinton will do something about that? because obama has been one of the most active presidents about doing something about incarceration in the united states, and the conditions of

do you believe hillary clinton will continue that? >> i definitely believe she will carry on that legacy for sure. >> stephen: is that the most important issue to you? >> that's the most important issue to me simply because i feel like that's the most important issue tearing apart our community right now ( applause ) >> stephen: and also in many states, it disenfranchises people because based on the state, if you've done time you can't vote anymore and in some ways political process at all. >> you can't vote, you can't get grants. it's like you keep paying forever. you know, we have to change that. >> stephen: thanks so much for being here. nice to meet you. ( applause ) pusha t, everybody! we'll be right back with a performance by "the record company." stick around. ? ( cheers and applause )

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?? we asked people to write down the things they love to do most on these balloons. travel with my daughter. roller derby. ??

s a tough financial choice we could face when we retire. but, if we start saving even just 1% more of our annual income... we could keep doing all the things we love. prudential. bring your challenges. >> stephen: here performing, "on the move" from their album, "give it back to you", ladies and gentlemen, "the record company!"

? ? ? ? ? ? ? my baby's got me on the move she's got me on the move ? oh the woman's oh so cruel and she's got me on the move she's got me ignoring the ? traffic lights cause they look so stale and ? lifeless i swear i'd swim to paris to get ? her if i hadn't booked the flight ? yet she's got me wearing snow shoes ? it's cold being on her trail ? ain't nothing can shake the thought from my brain ? of the way she makes me scream and yell ? she's got me on the move she's got me on the move ? oh and the woman's oh so cruel

and has a way to call out your ? passion she'll break into your home, ? redecorate, then escape to leave you there ? alone clean as the rain passing over ? but her eyes fill up with gold never going to love no one long ? enough to find herself a widow ? she's got me on the move she's got me on the move ? oh the woman's oh so cruel and she's got me on the move, ? that's right ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?

? baby everything's getting dangerous ? when you're going faster and faster ? she comes home from the bar after dark ? and ain't a man born that can catch her ? she'll leave you slain lying in your ashes ? from burning up cash and happiness ? she looks like a bonfire in city light ? she's an antidote for this disaster ? she's got me on the move she's got me on the move ? she's got me on the move oh baby ? you got me on the move and you're way too cruel ? you've got me on the move look out baby, don't be so cruel ? ? ?

and you're way too cruel ? you've got me on the move ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? "the record company," everybody!

( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's it for the "late show," everybody! tune in tomorrow when my guests will be drew carey, claire foy and matt smith, and comedian sebastian maniscalco. now stick around for james corden and his guests, ll cool j, andrew garfield, and january jones. good night!

captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ? are you ready to have some fun ? feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ? where you come from it's gonna be all right ? it's the late, late show >> ladies and gentlemen, all the way from fenway park, give it up