that alpaca.lause] meanwhile, a tourist has been fined for getting too close to a walrus in norway. "authorities say the man went out onto an ice floe and disturbed the walrus." how did he disturb the walrus? by describing alpaca sex. we'll be right back with john leguizamo! - ugh. - cabin crew cross check. that yellow's not gonna fly. - buckle up! - whoa! ♪ reality checkup ♪ there's toothpaste white, and there's crest 3dwhitestrips white. whitens like a $400 professional treatment. [pilot] prepare for non-stop smiles. crest. if you're living with hiv, imagine being good to go without daily hiv pills. good to go off the grid. good to go nonstop. with cabenuva, there's no pausing for daily hiv pills. for adults who are undetectable, cabenuva is the only complete, long-acting hiv treatment you can get every other month. it's two injections from a healthcare provider. just 6 times a year. don't receive cabenuva if you're allergic to its ingredients or if you're taking certain medicines which may inte

that alpaca.le, a tourist has been fined for getting too close to a walrus in norway. "authorities say the man went out onto an ice floe and disturbed the walrus." how did he disturb the walrus? by describing alpaca sex. we'll be right back with john leguizamo! wowwww... this charmin ultra soft smooth tear is soooo soft and soo smooth, i'm starting to get tearied away! ahhh, thank you mr. smooth bear. designed with smooth tear edges, charmin ultra soft smooth tear has wavy perforations that tear so much better for a smooth more enjoyable go. mmmmm. huh? mom, you ok in there? i'm tear-ific! enjoy the go with charmin. ♪♪ class clowns. old truck. more memories. less sugar. fewer net carbs. fewer calories. the best things in life start with just the right ingredients. better starts with breyers carbsmart. shopify helps you sell at every stage of your business. so you can sell it online, take it in person and go big. like a million orders big. whatever the stage, businesses that grow grow with shopify.

i would sleep on an alpaca. >> louis: hey! detained, castillo was photographed in custody at a police station... or perhaps the waiting room of a chiropractor who believes in the power of angels. here's a fun fact: after peru's congress impeached him, castillo made a run for it, but he was caught because bad traffic appeared to prevent him from escaping. that's a traffic report i'd love to hear: "well, johnny, it's bumper to bumper out there due to a wannabe-dictator jackknifed on the expressway. so if you're heading to machu picchu, you should have left in the year 1450." now, there's-- ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) there's some other big news, and it's calling from inside the news, because starting at midnight last night, "new york times" journalists and other staffers went on strike. which explains today's front page: "how do you work printer? janet usually does this! where janet?!" ( laughter ) janet! >> louis: janet! >> stephen: damn it! damn it, janet! the "new york times" union has been negotiating for better pay

this is an alpaca. >> stephen: oh, really?n this is definitely an alpaca. >> stephen: okay, then here's your security deposit. >> jon: oh, my goodness, thank you so much. so helpful. these guys are so expensive to feed. >> stephen: well, i guess this really is goodbye, jon. >> jon: yeah. we had fun, though, didn't we? >> stephen: we sure did. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ >> jon: you know, there is one more thing, stephen. and it's a bit of a surprise. >> stephen: really? you know how surprises make me thirsty, jon. excuse me one second while i get a glass of water here and wet my whistle. >> jon: ready? you're my best friend. >> stephen: [burbling] [crying] jon stewart, everybody. you can see him back on "the daily show" tomorrow. we'll be right back with john krasinski and ryan gosling. >> jon: both? wow. looking for a smarter way to mop? try the swiffer powermop. ♪♪ an all-in-one cleaning tool, with a 360-degree swivel head that goes places a regular mop just can't. ♪♪ mop smarter with the swiffer powermop. ♪ ♪ mopnext.ter next. stop. we got it?

(laughter) but turns out, this lama might be alpaca-ing it in. (laughter) >> the spiritual leader turns 80 this summer hinted in a recent interview he may not be reincarnated when he dies, suggesting the title of dalai lama could end with him. >> stephen: oh, i see what's happening here -- (laughter) someone wants to go out as undefeated lama champ. he's going to take his nothingness and go home. but, folks, there are serious political implications to saying goodbye dalai. (laughter) because -- (cheers and applause) because the dalai lama is the leader of the tibetan people who are fighting for independence from my good friends in china, ni hao, and would foil the plan of dalai lama who accepts china's presence inty bet and hopefully one who doesn't hang out with richard gere so much. (laughter) but china isn't take this sitting down cross-legged in a rock garden. no! in fact, they have repeatedly warned that the dalai lama must reincarnate, and on their terms! (laughter) hey! hey! you better take this seriously, dalai lama! because if you refuse

we have cattle and alpaca and lama and chickens. >> stephen: and what do you do with them? >> i don't kill>> stephen: what do do you with them? really. >> stephen: really? >> yeah. >> stephen: do you go out there and literally take care of the cattle.phen: throw a hoove. >> no, i don't throw a hoove, that would be horses. >> stephen: they have hooves tho, they can't throw a hoove. >> they don't really throf them. >> stephen: really sphr? know of. >> stephen: how bay curled hoove. >> you can, they girl out, have i highland cattle, that can be an issue. look, i'm talking totally up my ass right now. in farmer. >> stephen: you go out there on the rails and fikszing fences. >> yeah, as a matter of fact, that storm that just passed through new york like what, lasten: i stayed inside most of the time. >> i was actually in the city but trees fell down and took down a bunch of fencing. so when i was doing thes show i was actually out pounding nails into fence trying to keep my animals enclosed. >> stephen: is it also true,gend of jeffrey dean morgan. >> oh no. >> stephen: gentleman

that surprise led to a stylish wood mirror, soothing lavender oils, a party llama... or is that an alpaca magically tied it all together. she arranged it all into the greatest guest bathroom ever. did sophia expect to get so much bang for so few bucks? no. but great things happen when you choose surprise. marshalls. your surprise is waiting. lackluster lips? don't think so. but lips lose natural color when youover time.rprise. chapstick total hydration moisture + tint. our 100% natural moisturizing formulas enhance your natural lip color. chapstick. put your lips first. for every social occasion. so the the broom said, "sorry i'm late. i over-swept." [ laughter ] yes, even the awkward among us deserve some laughter. and while it's okay to nibble in public, a lady only dines in private. try the name your price tool from progressive. it gives you options based on your budget. s theraflu's powerful new formula to defeat 7 cold and flu symptoms... fast. so you can play on. theraflu expressmax. new power. (engine roaring) ( ♪ ) ♪ i ♪ i will be king ♪ and you... drink, sir? ♪ you will be... no,

and because even experts aren't sure, they also certified it as the world's oldest alpaca. rare parade of all 7 planets will move across the night sky this week. and like all parades, it will be hosted by al roker. al roker. al roker. meanwhile, a bride completely shocked the groom in the middle of their wedding ceremony with an escape room challenge, by pulling out wedding rings that were fastened by a combination padlock, and then helpers suddenly stood up from the audience in costume. that is a hell of a thing to spring on your soon-to-be husband at the altar. "do you, richard, want to know where kathy hid the magnet to pull the key out of the tube to open the box containing the combination to get your rings? then answer this riddle: i have no lungs but need air. what am i? fire. the answer was fire -- and he's gone." and he's gone. meanwhile, exciting news in the world of sci-fi, because william shatner has confirmed talks for a "star trek" return at 93 years old. fantastic! the uss enterprise will change its mission statement to "to boldly bingo where no man has bing-g

"paul horner trampled by alpaca at beastiality club. nation rejoices." "dewey defeats truman and then feasts on the flesh of paul horner." but actually, we made those up, full discloser. and i kind of wish more news was fake right now. >> jon: oh, yeah. >> stephen: yeah. i don't like some of the real headlines i'm seeing, like this one, "more than 400 incidents of hateful harassment and intimidation since the election. for instance, indiana, where an episcopal church was vandalized with a swastika and the words 'heil trump'." i cannot believe this. i mean, it's 2016. longer before putting up the 2020 campaign signs ( cheers and applause ) it's even infecting fashion, because this week a neo-nazi blogger declared new balance the "official shoes of white people." utill now, they were the unofficial shoes of white people. thas write: "this will be fantastic. we will be able to recognize one another by our sportswear." finally, a way for nazis to recognize each other, because the swastika neck tattoo was a little subtle. this all started-- yay! neck tattoo.

that surprise led to a stylish wood mirror, soothing lavender oils, a party llama... or is that an alpacan enchanting vase that magically tied it all together. she arranged it all into the greatest guest bathroom ever. did sophia expect to get so much bang for so few bucks? no. but great things happen when you choose surprise. marshalls. your surprise is waiting. but great things happen cilantro. choose surprisparsley. spinach. basil. toothpicks? campbell's slow kettle chef crafted soups. mm can i get some more spinach? made for real, real life. remember 2007? smartphones? o m g ten years later, nothing's really changed. it's time to snap out of it. hello moto. snap on a jbl speaker. put a 70" screen on a wall. get a 10x optical zoom. get excited world. hello moto. moto is here. the new moto z with motomods. get a moto z2 for only $20 a month. and a free projector mod. [ "[ all ]" by simon anbees!funkel ] [ all ] bees! the volkswagen atlas. with easy-access 3rd row. life's as big as you make it. when it comes to molding sarah is ayoung minds, teacher. nobody does it better. she also build

knock out an alpaca on lamapuncher. sit on it on potsy, say aaay on fonzie, punk mee on kutcher, fine me on finder, that's not me on grinder brook me on orbitz, fat me on nor bitz, use my parents password on hbo gz go, excuse me on excuse me, moater me on boater, suggester me on daddy. lick me on lolly, prik me on flushot, dick me on tracy. flip me on cup ster, skewer me on roaster wrip me on bonghit, occupy me on squatter, grab our magic wands on potter, scare mowsh, scaramouche me on fan dago. swap me on husband on singer, craft me on etsy, pet me on pet sees send me a reminder of for getsy, find your second cousin on milled gred. avoid your second cousin on milled gred on incest ree need hub. massage me on back rub, bathe me on rub dub dub, and of course you could alwaysee which members of your family are racist using facebook. or fee feel free to write an an old-fashioned letter cbs television city, 7800 beverly boulevard, los angeles, california, 90036, tape it to a pig and hope that it gets to me. we have a fun sh

that surprise led to a stylish wood mirror, soothing lavender oils, a party llama... or is that an alpacawels, and an enchanting vase that magically tied it all together. she arranged it all into the greatest guest bathroom ever. did sophia expect to get so much bang for so few bucks? no. but great things happen when you choose surprise. marshalls. your surprise is waiting. (engine roaring) ( ♪ ) ♪ i ♪ i will be king ♪ and you... drink, sir? ♪ you will be... no, thanks. (engine revving) i'm still driving. ♪ ...will drive them away ♪ ♪ we can be heroes... a farmer's market.ieve what's in this kiester. a fire truck. even a marching band. and if i can get comfortable talking about this kiester, then you can get comfortable using preparation h. for any sort of discomfort in yours. preparation h. get comfortable with it. depression is a tangle that can make you sad, feel tired, and have difficulty concentrating. trintellix is a prescription medication for depression. it may help you take a step forward in improving your depression. tell your healthcare professional right away if your depressio

or is that an alpaca?ls, and an enchanting vase that magically tied it all together. she arranged it all into the greatest guest bathroom ever. did sophia expect to get so much bang for so few bucks? no. but great things happen when you choose surprise. marshalls. your surprise is waiting. ayep, and my teeth are yellow.? but great things happen when you choose surprise. time for whitestrips. crest glamorous white whitestrips are the only ada-accepted whitening strips proven to be safe and effective. and they whiten 25x better than a leading whitening toothpaste. crest. healthy, beautiful smiles for life. vowould be a disaster forion virginia families.e adams supports letting insurance companies 685,000 virginians would lose their health care. and adams is against medicaid expansion - denying coverage to thousands of veterans, children and the disabled. john adams: higher costs, less coverage, hurtin

that surprise led to a stylish wood mirror, soothing lavender oils, a party llama... or is that an alpaca, and an enchanting vase that magically tied it all together. she arranged it all into the greatest guest bathroom ever. did sophia expect to get so much bang for so few bucks? no. but great things happen when you choose surprise. marshalls. your surprise is waiting. ayep, and my teeth are yellow.? but great things happen when you choose surprise. time for whitestrips. crest glamorous white whitestrips are the only ada-accepted whitening strips proven to be safe and effective. and they whiten 25x better than a leading whitening toothpaste. crest. healthy, beautiful smiles for life. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: hey! welcome back, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) ladies and gentlemen, you know my first guest as the star of "scary movie", "the house bunny", and the cbs sitcom "mom." please welcome anna faris. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> what an amazing audience! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: they're lovely. if i liked my hands more i would w

that surprise led to a stylish wood mirror, soothing lavender oils, a party llama... or is that an alpacahat magically tied it all together. she arranged it all into the greatest guest bathroom ever. did sophia expect to get so much bang for so few bucks? no. but great things happen when you choose surprise. marshalls. your surprise is waiting. [ joe cocke♪'s "with a little help from my friends" ] but great things happen when you choose surprise. vw drivers have always put others first. now we're returning the favor, with the people first warranty. america's best bumper-to-bumper limited warranty. ♪ ♪ ♪ that one. this. that one. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ i got a whole lot of... to do >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) ladies and gentlemen, my next guest is a former fox news host and current activist in the fight to stop sexual harassment. please welcome gretchen carlson. ♪ ♪ ( applause ) ( cheers and applause ). >> thank you. thanks for having me. >> stephen: thanks so much for being here. >> of course! >> stephen: one of the nice things doing this show now, after doing my

that surprise led to a stylish wood mirror, soothing lavender oils, a party llama... or is that an alpacaed it all into the greatest guest bathroom ever. did sophia expect to get so much bang for so few bucks? no. but great things happen when you choose surprise. marshalls. your surprise is waiting. ♪ but great things happen when you choose surprise. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ hi, we're alaska airlines. and our california game is stepping up. with our low fares, your san jose start-up won't have to pony up for a quick flight to an la meet-up. and you might even get an up-grade on your next trip to palm springs. over 90 daily non-stops. from san diego on up. alaska airlines. that's how we fly. and now, step up to alaska premium class, with upgrades starting at just $15. >> stephen: and now, performing "build a bridge" from her new album, "if all i was was black" with jeff tweedy and jon batiste and louis cato, ladies and gentlemen, mavis staples!! ♪ i'm tired of us livin' so lonely ♪ i think i know what to do gonna build a bridge right over ♪ the mountain i'm gonna walk right over to you ♪ look around at our

that surprise led to a stylish wood mirror, soothing lavender oils, a party llama... or is that an alpacahat magically tied it all together. she arranged it all into the greatest guest bathroom ever. did sophia expect to get so much bang for so few bucks? no. but great things happen when you choose surprise. marshalls. your surprise is waiting. [ joe cocke♪'s "with a little help from my friends" ] but great things happen when you choose surprise. vw drivers have always put others first. now we're returning the favor, with the people first warranty. america's best bumper-to-bumper limited warranty. ♪ ♪ after 8 years of chris christie, is kim guadagno the change new jersey really needs? guadagno is christie's hand-picked successor. says she's "proud to be part of the christie administration." guadagno was chris christie's right hand as our schools came under attack, critical services were underfunded, and our credit rating was downgraded...11 times. from the bridge to the beach, we've seen it all, and we've had enough. kim guadagno isn't the change we need. kim guadagno isn't cbs presented