ha ha ha ha-ha. ha ha. ghter ] i've also been working on some "that's what she said" zingers. [ light laughter ] for instance, when obama is talking during the debate, i'll just interrupt him and say, "that's what she said?" [ laughter ] ha ha ha. gets 'em every time. ha ha. [ laughter ] now, last week, my campaign leaked a memo telling everyone to lower their expectations for my performance in these debates because, as we all know, barack obama is an extremely gifted speaker. you might even say he's a "master debater." that's what she said? [ laughter ] ha ha ha! zing! you got zinged. you got zinged. anyway, forget lowering your expectations for my performance. here's a better idea. don't watch the debates at all. just watch something else instead. i mean, come on. there's, like, a million other shows on during the debates. i know because i happened to pick up this "television guidebook" just moments ago. let's see here. 9:00 p.m. on wednesday -- debates, debates, debates, debates. [ light laughter ] there'

>> ha, ha, ha. wait, wait, who am i? who am i? ter ] >> ha ha ha. you're the guy from -- you're the guy from men's wearhouse. do it again. do it again. give me a little bit. do a little bit more to the -- >> all right, all right. hold on. hold on. >> come on, do it. >> all right, here it goes. let me get into character. "you're going to like the way you look. i guarantee it." [ light laughter ] >> ha, ha, ha. classic. [ laughter ] what's that guy's deal anyway? >> yeah, i know, right? he's like -- he's all like, "i have a beard, and i want you to wear a suit." >> he's like the dos equis guy except for suits. [ laughter ] >> that's so messed up. [ laughter ] >> well, looks like the debate just ended. so, i guess i'll see you on tuesday at our debate? >> well, you know, actually, i think i might skip that one. [ light laughter ] >> again? ha ha ha. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> all right, all right. you got me. hey, what do you say we flip over to the jimmy fallon show? i notice they never invited your ass over to there. [ light laugh

ha ha ha. gets them every time. ha. >> be sure to check out our new station tumbler page, you will find pictures.tumbler.com. it is the rev's birthday. [ male announcer ] alka-seltzer plus presents the cold truth. i have a cold, and i took nyquil, but i'm still stubbed up. [ male announcer ] truth is, nyquil doesn't unstuff your nose. what? [ male announcer ] it doesn't have a decongestant. no way. [ male announcer ] sorry. alka-seltzer plus fights your worst cold symptoms plus has a fast-acting decongestant to relieve your stuffy nose. thanks. [ male announcer ] you're welcome. that's the cold truth! [ male announcer ] alka-seltzer plus. ♪ oh what a relief it is! [ male announcer ] try new alka-seltzer plus severe allergy to treat allergy symptoms plus sin congestion and pain. and there are game-changers. try new alka-seltzer plus severe allergy those ideas that start with us rolling up our sleeves... ...and end with a new favorite room in the house. and when we can save even more on those kinds of projects... ...wi

but it has not been real fun. >> ha-ha-ha. i guess this is good-bye? [ laughter ] [ applause ] i'm just gonna go. [ cheers and applause ] [ "we are never ever getting back together" plays ] ♪ [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: from studio 6b in rockefeller center, the national broadcasting company presents -- tonight's guests are -- and featuring the legendary roots crew. and here he is -- jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] captions paid for by nbc-universal television -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you very much. that's what i'm talking about. that's the love right there. that's new york city crowd. thank you. welcome. welcome, everybody, to "late night with jimmy fallon." here's what people are talking about. >> we love you! >> jimmy: aw, i love you as well. 'cause last night was the third and final presidential debate. [ scattered cheers ] yeah. so now, if you want to see people yelling at each other on tv, your only options are "the real world," "the real housewives of new york," "the r

ha ha ha ha ha! whoo! whoo! whoo! whoo! whoo! all right! were you just hooch? i was--yeah. ne hates you guys. oh, hooch. hooch is crazy! j.d.: as much as hooch loved us, it was even better to see turk happy. see, he and carla had recently started couples therapy and i'm not sure he was enjoying it. carla says you cry after you orgasm. would you like to talk about that? no, not really. j.d.: i decided to help their marriage by moving out, partly because carla and i had accidentally kissed and messed things up, but mostly because it was time. still, finding an apartment has not been easy. i'm so sorry about your father. i'm sure he lived a wonderful life at 14 maple drive, apartment 4b. was he lucky enough to enjoy a washer and dryer in his unit while he was alive? ever mention any hot neighbors? what are you doing in the on-call room? [crying] nothing. i gotta go. ok. j.d.: thankfully, turk had gotten over the whole kissing incident. still, there's a weird new thing he does whenever he says good-bye. ok, i'll see you around. aah! peace, homey. uh, do you guys think that clari

ha ha, ha, ha, yeah, really funny. really appreciate it. who are the people who are putting any of this into doubt in the first place? of course, the republicans. listen to this crap that they pedal out of "daily basis"." >> how do you explain the heat? summer. we have hot weather, get over it. >> that global warming thing is really kicking into high gear, isn't it. >> the issue of global warming has been fortified through substantial number of scientist who is have manipulated data. >> the last year has established as a whole premise of man-made global warming is a hoax. >> the science is bad. >> unproven science. >> that has yet to be proven and i highly doubt it's going to happen any time soon. >> still a scientific theory that has not been proven. >> cenk: that's the media. that's the republicans. when you turn to the democrats i wish i had good news for you. but president obama hasn't been that much better in his results. now he was recently on mtv kind of like candy crowly, he views it as a niche-type-of-topic. >> obama: we're not movi

, ha, ha.but you will all be working to close the gap. so lanar is here, you know, i need more than $25,000 from you cofy, i need $25 million from you. so when you borrow the money from the chinese government, when they buy, you know, invest in your program, you can tact along a few more million for us. but anyway that is the whole trick. thank you very much. i won't take your time. [ applause ] >> and now signing of the legislation, mayor? >> are we ready? >> yes, we are ready. ♪ [ applause ] ♪ ♪ . >> okay. mr. mayor good morning everyone. i am mr. alva residence and the director of the housing authority and today mayor lee will be announcing one of the most extraordinary funding announcements in the history of my 26 years in this business to ever occur. today we're going to get twins. we're going to get -- the mayor is going to talk about two choice initiative planning grants, this i believe culminates the mayor's leadership, cements the idea for hope sf and restores hope to hope sf and we ha

ha-ha-ha! t romney won the debate last night, which means president obama lost two fights on his anniversary last night. the president seemed a little bit out of it last night. he had all the enthusiasm of a husband talking to his wife's friends at a dinner party. he kept looking down and frowning. it was like he was trying to find something on apple maps. the only thing that could have salvaged obama's performance is if the body of bin laden could have fell from the ceiling onto the stage. >> obama could have waterboarded alladin, put down blue, deported dora the explorer and won walking away. romney won with the sound off. look up, look up. what are you writing's so important? oh, that's -- that is impressive work. >> oh, my gosh, i love that. >> finally, to another race, one as close as the presidential contest. >> family circle's, cookie bake-off, ann romney's m & m, versus michelle obama's white and dark chocolate chip cookies. >> another waner by 51 pptd 5% to 41.5%, 287 votes, michelle ob

this is the, "ha-ha-ha, please tell me that's your cell phone, please." [ laughter ] [ applause ] thisof my favorites. it looks like obama is delivering a stack of pizzas. this is the, "this might be my job in two weeks." there we go. [ audience ohs ] [ applause ] >> steve: what are you going to do? >> jimmy: hey, what are you going to do? >> steve: it's america. >> jimmy: this next expression is great. this is obama and romney from one of their recent debates. this is the, "macarena time, y'all." [ laughter ] everyone did that. >> steve: everyone did that. yeah, come on. ♪ hey macarena [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: check out this next lesser known expression. this is a great one. this is the, "get that weak shiz out of my house!" [ laughter ] this next expression is one of my favorites. take a look at this one. this is the, "check out my cosby expression." [ as bill cosby ] "theo, where did you put my jello pudding pop?" [ laughter ] [ applause ] here's one from a joint news conference with canadian prime minister stephen harper. this is the, "pretending to pay attention while actually

disspensory sat here and over the years of the decades this hospital has helped to celebrate our births, has helped to mourn our deaths, hashelped our community through our triumphs and our challenge and our obstacles. our community, i want to thank all of you for coming together. it takes a village to rebuild a hospital. and it has been an honor, i know for my colleague supervisor marr and i to be chinese supervisors working with our first chinese mayor. working with our chinese hospital of board of trustees, with the chinese chamber, with our chinese family associations, with our chinese non-profit sector and our friends from throughout the world to rebuild this hospital. and then healthcare. i want to mention for a second, that i come from a family of healthcare folks. my grandfather sold chinese herbs my brother is a physician, my brother is an actupuncturist. my mother says that becoming a politician i was a failure because i was supposed to be a doctor. you who are caring for the sick, you are doing the lord's work, for some, you are doing budah's work. i want to thank you for all that all of you have done to take ca

- ha, ha, ha, ha, ah, ha, ha. terrific! hey, i'm hungry. let's go eat some batteries-- i mean, human food. - hey, uh, batteries-- i mean, human food sounds good to me. wonderful. - let's go. - [laughs] they're sometimes called study drugs. they're prescription medicines >> kate snow's intimate portrait of one ivy league student shows how destructive study drugs can be. >> in about five seconds' time, you've gone from straight "a" student to handcuffs. >>> also, saving the orangutan. their habitat is being destroyed for a common household product. the all-out effort to save a great species. >> we got it. we got it. >> why did you feel you needed to get him out of there? >> these things will be gone in 12 months. >> he wouldn't have survived in there? >> no, no. this is the last resort. >>> and the world of tory burch. her huge success, her sure sense of style. her fabulous life in new york. >> obviously i love color. >> and what she admits to harry smith is the question she was dreading about the feud with her ex-husband who helped get her st

ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! so, with obama in trouble, they reedit to give obama more credit. coincidence? know he is running against obama but the hollywood arm of his own publicity machine. that is as clear as the nighties in kimberly's closet. it raises questions why can you politicize bin laden and not benghazi? obama takes credit for one and avoids responsibility for the other. what happens if this films triggers mob violence? will weinstein be arrested? he has been silent on the subject of free expression. the anti-muslim filmmaker sweats in jail. perhaps harvey could keep him company. heck, they could watch the movie together. kimberly? >> kimberly: ah-ha. >> greg: dana, you still get zero credit for killing bin laden or anything else for that matter. >> dana: i killed a bug once and a frog. never underestimate the obama team and their surrogates in hollywood. their tendency toover do it -- to overdo it. america is like we get it, we know that you killed bin laden. we have seen it 100 times. if you can imagine that president obama would invite the cast and the crew to white house th

, ha, ha.but you will all be working to close the gap. so lanar is here, you know, i need more than $25,000 from you cofy, i need $25 million from you. so when you borrow the money from the chinese government, when they buy, you know, invest in your program, you can tact along a few more

ha-ha-ha! y last night. the president seemed a little bit out of it last night. he had all the enthusiasm of a husband talking to his wife's friend at a dinner party. he kept looking down and frowning, like he was trying to find something on apple maps. only thing that could salvage his performance if the body of bin laden fell on stage. >> could have water boarded aladd aladdin, put down blue, and deported dora the explorer and won walking away. romney won with the sound up. >> you're entitled to your own plane and house but not your own facts. >> dude, he is yelling at you. look up! look up! what are you looking at? what are you writing that is so important? oh, that's nice. i didn't realize. that is impressive work. >> oh, my gosh. i love that. >> good stuff, guys. >> finally, to another race, one as close as the presidential contest. >> family sescircle's, cookie bakeup, ann romney's m & m, versus michelle obama's cookies. another winner 51.5% to 41.5%, 287 votes, michelle obama takes a swee

ha, ha, ha. ha, ha, ha, ha. i've also been working on some that's what she said zingers. e, i'll just interrupt him and say, that's what she said? ha, ha, ha. gets them every time. ha, ha. now, last week my campaign leaked a memo telling everyone to lower their expectations for my performance in these debates because as we all know, barack obama is an extremely gifted speaker. he might even say he's a master debater. that's what she said? ha, ha, ha. zing. you got zing. you got zing. >> that's what she said? oh, my god, i love him. all right. here with us now from -- >> that's what she said. >> here with us now from denver, we're going to go over the polls now. nbc news chief white house correspondent and political director and host of "the daily rundown." let's start with the battleground poll released this morning, and it shows where the race stands in three key states. we'll start with ohio, virginia and then florida. in ohio, the president has opened up an eight-point lead among likely voters. however, in virginia, the president's lead has shrunk to just two points wit

been you know has has ended really and the same goes for other missions too so frankly speaking i don't think nato has has a record of staying but you know one thing of course well the reason i'm asking is that in one of your own interviews here in moscow you said that this suspicion both russia and nato have towards each other you called it a bad habit do you think that it's coming from the cold water as well do you think that we can ever overcome this bad yes in fact if that's the intuition which you allude to i said i compared it to my own recent hard experience of quitting smoking it's very hard in the beginning but then the world looks better and actually you know. it's highly advisable it's a bit like well rhetorical once you get rid of it then the world looks nice and so on but you know i something is possible and you know it is possible if you look at the overall relationship of russia if you think of economic relations if you think of tourists if you think of sports you name it. does anybody really think of the cold war injury is just when you start talking about security issues that suddenly

bill: when you hear people say barack obama is a socialist, you are a real socialist, you say. >> ha ha. >> hat's what i thought. >> bill: is he not even close, right? >> no. i believe in a cushion, keeping the citizens alive and well and educated and housed. barack obama doesn't provide that nor does this country. >> bill: you and i are in the same union do you know that after sag. it's not militant enough for you. >> no. >> bill: i think you and i should run for president and vice president. i'll be the president and you be the vice president of the union. [ laughter ] >> bill: i would send you on peace keeping missions. >> that u.n. stirred up. >> bill: i like my union but what i don't like is the municipal unions it's not the fault of the workers who have now negotiated contracts that we can't pay. that's what happened in wisconsin, that's what's happening all over the place. your state, california, bankrupt. it can't pay the pensions. >> i see the municipal workers and the teachers as being the last preservation of organized labor in this country. we borrow and borrow and borrow and borro

ha, ha ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. >> stephanie: get over it. well not the gay math that nate silver does. contrary to -- >> republican fantasy math. >> stephanie: nate silver said that romney's momentum seems to have stopped. take wednesday's national tracking polls. lots of numbers. actual numbers. romney -- >> we were joking about the fact that someone on the right did say nate silver seems gay. his numbers must be wrong. okay. nate silver, a not gay. i don't really know. does it matter? >> it doesn't matter. no. >> stephanie: yeah. >> the other g -- >> stephanie: he's a geek. mr. romney gained ground in one of the polls. online poll conducted for reuters. lost ground in five others. romney with president obama improving his standing. mr. obama gained one point. closest we've come in a week or so to one candidate having won the day in tracking polls. that was mr. obama. >> he's not. >> stephanie: obama still has a 73.1% of winning re-election. he's at 294 electoral to romney's 243. >> fact checkers say -- >> stephanie: nate silver is a fact c

we're going to come out and we're going we're going to take over where the veterans voice has has been stopped has been discontinued they think that that's all that was necessary to hide their law is but they're wrong because they forgot about the widow this is a piece they did after my daughter danielle and i had the diagnosis with her spine are we in the process of getting the diagnosis this is. agent orange is evil. and. my husband bernard and six very much like like he did and my youngest daughter lizbeth ten she's in prison and my everything that's happened to us plus service asperger's and the alcohol and drug abuse.

has been in not being able to connect. -- with the common man and woman and child. he has to be able to come across as connecting. he has to come across as caring and likable. >> the candidate that makes a person -- a connection with the person asking a question is making a connection with the folks back tom. >> the stakes could not be higher. >> i spoke with politico -- i started by asking what they thought of -- president obama as plan of attack would be. >> he has to show up to participate, and i do not just been physically. he has got to engage has to give crisp, sharp answers we did not see from him last time. his staff is working hard on that. we have to see him ready to defend his own record and willing to press mitt romney on the various positions mitt romney has taken. the obama campaign has unveiled this argument starting after the first debate about the two made romney's, who is the real one? we'll have to see the president continue that line of attack if he wants to be effected. >> the president may have a bit of an advantage because of the town hall setting. something that mitt romney might not have been co

. >> ha ha ha! now you're mine! come join my harem. >> stephen: no, no! you've got to fight ottoman delicacy with an anti-ottoman delicacy. a croissant. yes, the croissant, created in 1683 to celebrate the victory over the ottomans at the battle of vienna. its crescent shape marks the moon upon your plant. >> no, not the light and flaky pastry of my people's darkest hour! >> stephen: b gone, turk! >> no! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: oh-- thank you. thank you, congressman louie gohmert for warning us against the ottoman menace. but remember, sir, you're from texas. obama's probably also reviving the empire of montezuma and his as tech warriors on quetzalcoatl's back! we'll be right back! (cheers and applause) ó÷ow?[?zg (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody, thanks so much. now, before the break i told you how louie gohmert had revealed barack obama's secret plan to resurrect the ottoman empire by denying us bacon. (laughter) yet another reason we must elect mitt romney. now, unfortunately, the latest quinnipiac/"new york times"/cbs

ha, ha, ha. >> reports say in were no injuries in this situation. [ gunfire ] >>> this bridge in texas on the hardin-jasper county lines has been the place where people have been dumping their dogs. >> what? >> in this area, people have been complaining to county officials in both counties that people are dumping their dogs off this bridge off of highway 96. and one man saw somebody throw a black bag over the bridge, and inside, this is what he found. >> this is one of the dogs they throwed over the bridge. >> that dog -- >> i opened up the bag and i don't know, if could have been a baby. >> saying it perfectly how people should really feel about their dogs. >> the dog is supposed to be like your best friend, companion. i mean, they show you love. they're like human, too. >> but it's the cutest dog ever, too. i can't imagine what's going through someone's mind that they would do this to a helpless little adorable puppy. >> what about the surveillance camera there? >> i want to save the dogs and the cats, though. this is the most heartbreaking thing -- it's awful. >> put them in a shelt

ha ha ha! i forgot. alright, alright. [ woman: ] i used to wonder, why would a jew, a christian, and a muslim ever get together? it was him!it w! and then, i finally got it. they had a lot more in common than donuts. ♪ love can build a bridge. ♪ ♪ oh, love and only love. ♪ ♪ between your heart and mine. ♪ unemployment in america. it's now at 7.8. i predict, as per mort, it will be at 8.0 or 8.1. >> did you read what the former president of general electric said about those numbers? he said california had not predicted its numbers and the number was 7.9. >> jack welsh said. >> he appeared to be right because california didn't get in their numbers. compound good t. richard murdoch the republican candidate in indiana for the senate was underscored nervousness among women about what a republican take over of the congress and a republican in compared to 2008. ghts. >> most i italian stocks will stabilize and rally much like ireland which has become a poster child for reinventing itself. that is ireland. bye by

he has a normal iq, he has been divorced and remarried. he has no history of psychiatric illness. oddly, has worked as a correctional officer for a while. he has worked as a schoolteacher. 16 years ago, he hit his head and knocked himself unconscious. no kind of neurological events following that. for the last year, he has had some migraines. he started using pornography on the internet. he started soliciting sex from women working in massage parlors. he reports that he has a very high sex drive and conceals his behavior because he feels that it is wrong. there is a picture. [laughter] in 2010, he makes some subtle sexual advances to his stepdaughter. mom find out about this and brad is legally removed from the home and diagnosed as a pedophile. he is chemically castrated in treatment to try to reduce his sexual behavior. he is found guilty of child molestation and he is sent to a sexual addiction facility or jail. brad chooses rehab. in rehab, he starts being inappropriate. staff. he starts to solicit sex from other clients. he has some of bedwetting. the night before he goes to p

♪ >> yeah-ha-ha-ha! ghter] craig: that was a little freaky actually when the skull went on fire and laughed like that. what's a come and a go. read just a little bit more to me in arnold schwarzenegger's voice. geoff: all right. chapter two. arrrrgh -- maria! [laughter] that's end. craig: good night, everybody. good night. >> two weeks from now, we'll be counting votes. >> with the final debate over and done, the presidential candidates today roared into the final stretch, each one hammering home their basic theme for the rest of the campaign. what is it? well, gary nurenberg knows. gary? >> reporter anita and derek, it seemed today for both candidates, last night's debate was just a ticket to punch and then move on. today each man returned to the message he wants to define the last days of the campaign. >> we have cut taxes in the middle class. we'll cut taxes for small business. we're going to make it easier for businesses to grow. >> reporter: for mitt romney, that message is the sluggish economy. >> f

ha, ha, ha. >> stephanie: combination of that and the liar. >> well, that minus the cigarette. >> struggling, makes a new effort to connect. [ ♪ "world news tonight" ♪ ] mitt romney prepares for his pi otal first debate against obama his campaign struggling to regain its footing. >> it's hard. stop it. >> stephanie: he's still struggling to connect with voters, a challenge that confronted him since the primaries, back when he was mitt and the problem is he's still mitt. >> ann: stop it. >> stephanie: stop being mitt. stop being so mitty. the mittiest campaign ever! you're doing a mitty job seriously. >> he's not doing as good a job as walter mitty. >> stephanie: romney continues to be dogged by the release of the secretly taped video that shows him denigrating half the population. unique campaign. half of america -- >> i was in nevada over the weekend. a swing state. all of the commercials that you see are just absolutely remarkable. it is like one after another. >> stephanie: polls are showing it is really -- it is really swinging independents -- >> democrat's commercials are real

somebody develops cancer surgery doesn't help because if you try to cut out the cancer you cut out ha ha ha of the organism i mean i mean there was no it's so so so so. it's treatment it's a long very long and painful treatment the important for that is a true yes sure first you have to change your mindset and where i said i offered several cubes but the first set of rules is a very good thing that you said. because when the when the when the customs tariff is so hard that it's easier to bribe a person or one won't be he may be too weak to refuse them because well into millions and millions ok listen what are the other burning issues i'm not sure corruption is the only issue that you're fighting what's the other burning issues for the customs organization well another burning issue is burning issues of course it is it's great. can't have it is only one thing. not a cortex well you have a huge drug trafficking in your country and i gain. more than seventy percent of the drugs that border so this is another problem and. more recently for example environment when we talk about the environment

what pretty blue eyes that thing has. ha-ha. >> kind of frightening and bizarre all in one. it washed up. mm. >> just washed up. eye opening. >> very eye opening. we have an eye out for good stories don't we. a look at the weather. hail and high wind. >> hail? >> i love saying hail. wichita, west texas. showers, thunderstorms from southern cali to new mexico. 4 to 8 inches of snow in the rockies. you can get your ski on. showers from seattle to portland. chilly blast in the midwest. as well as northeast. >> sound a little bit like paula dean. >> paula dean. you know i like me some mbacon wrapped mac and cheese. >>> mostly 70s from finphoenix billings. >>> for the first time in one month, our friend robin roberts enjoying comforts of home and fresh air. >> look at that. robin celebrated with family, friend, hospital staff as she was released from the hospital. following the bone marrow transplant for the rare blood disorder she suffers from. robin's doctors say the first big step in the road to recovery. she still need time to rebelled her immune system and get it back up. >>