i was just dropping stewie off. oh, yeah!n there, see how everyone's doing, i guess. ah, they're fine. in fact, i see stewie reading a book. scratch-and-sniff lindsay lohan goes jogging. oh, god! that's terrible! oh, here's a pop-up book. tommy lee goes boating. move, lois! you're on the hood ornament's pillow. peter, put that away. it's time for bed. w-wait, hang on, lois, before i go to bed, i just got to do one thing. hello? hey, mr. pewterschmidt, it's me, peter. you remember how you said i'd never amount to nothing? is that a mercedes? peter, hang up the phone. (doorbell rings) my god, who could be at the door at this hour? i don't know, but this late, it's got to be bad news. everyone knows you always get bad news in the middle of the night. wake up, wake up, wake up! huh? what? you have cancer! what?! yeah. i thought you should know. okay, go back to sleep. wait, i have questions. (sighs) it's very late. oh, hello. this is the right house. (chuckles) that's good, then. what the hell? it's me, billy. billy finn. just wa

stewie (chuckles): "see." and i... i just...eally want this to work, and i'm... i'm so sorry i didn't tell you before. can you ever forgive me? do you think that you can still be with me? (sighs) you know what, brian? i could have gotten over the fact that you're a dog, because i really do care about you and i feel like we had a connection, but i can't get over the fact that you lied to me. you screwed up, brian. and now you're going to have to watch me walk out that door. (alarm blaring) (horn honking, man screaming) (tires screeching) (crashing) well, it sounds like i'm needed outside. mom, what were all those carpenters doing here today? putting back our old crappy stairs, meg. i didn't have a choice. yay! i love my old stairs! (giggling) uh-oh, i forgot to cut joe down. joe, what are you doing up there? enjoying heaven, bonnie. come join me. there's a gun in my nightstand. brian, i know you're upset about what happened with kate and everything, but i did have one more thought. yeah, what's that? well, since kate is blind, yo

stewie: ...will be right back. oh, this is dreadful.. i'll tell you what, babs, let me have a talk with him. hey there, buddy. go away! you know, you remind me of a guy i know. this guy worked and worked and never wanted to retire, even though it would've been the best thing for him. you know what that man's name was? jon benet ramsey. i-i-i think. i think that's the guy. what? you're darn right what. now, let's get back in there. peter, get lost! i'm not gonna retire, and that's that! come on, carter, everybody's got to retire at some point. like that drill sergeant with alzheimer's. looks like we got a joker here. what's your name, soldier? sir, mcardle, sir! well, no (bleep)! you look like some kind of joker to me. what's your name, soldier? sir, mcardle, sir! are you (bleep) me? probably some kind of joker. what's your name, soldier? sir, mcardle, sir! well, la-dee (bleep) da! i guess we got some kind of joker here! look, carter, i'll make a deal with you. you give me just one day to show you how great retired life can be for an old

stewie, do you want to be the autobots or the decepticons? what's with all these labels, man?gay, straight-- just pick a few robots, and let's party. hey, what's going on in here? oh, hello, brian. we're playing transformers. oh, cool. who's this little guy? it's my new friend, scotty. do you mind? we're busy. oh. hi, doggie. you want to play with us? scotty, scotty, it's fine. it's fine. you don't have to. he doesn't know transformers. yeah, actually, i-i'd love to play. wh-who should i be? should i be one of these guys? i-i'll be this guy. who's this guy, huh? what's this guy's story? that's optimus prime. you can't be him. scotty's optimus prime. oh, all right. well, i'll be, i'll be this guy. how about this guy? (growls) what was that? did you just growl? what robot growls? that's starscream. he's a decepticon. i'm the decepticons. look, why don't you just beat it? all right, all right, relax. i'll-i'll just, i'll be this guy over here. that's he-man. we're playing transformers. well, maybe this is the one where he-man visits. brian, how is he-man supposed to get to cybert

lindsey, this is my mom, my little brother stewie, and my dog brian. hey. oh, my god.ze who you look like? cameron diaz, that's who. you are gorgeous! well, she's awful pretty-- i know that, mom. very pretty. stunning. are you kidding me? are they not seeing this? i know, it's kind of creepy. it's almost like he's dating lois. yeah. looks like somebody's getting a little oedipus-y. can we say that? just did. all right, tom, this is totally gonna work. all the biggest hollywood players eat here, and we just got to make them think we're one of them. that's why i got these old hollywood jew glasses. waiter! oh, waiter! yes sir. are you gentlemen ready to order? yes, i will have the big and fancy, and my client here will have a bottle of your best steak. right away, sir. peter, i-i'm not sure what any of this has to do with getting me acting jobs. tom, who's the agent here? you are. and who is the actor? well, i am. wait, which one am i again? the agent. and who's paying for dinner? i assumed you were. ah, then we best load our pockets with bread and get the hell out of he

oh, stewie, come on, man! (laughter) oh, stewie! love that show.hank you very much. seth, you look like you're 18 years old, for god sake. you are so--oh, god, now i love it here. (lori laughs) seth, you weren't just walking by. (chuckles) so, what brings you? uh, bruce is a friend of mine. i actually take horseback riding lessons from bruce. and, you know, he--he showed me how this thing works, and, you know, it's not just flies. it's small children... (laughter) uh, bad feelings. it just--it attracts them all. it's great. yeah. seth saw me develop the trap. well, bruce, you have a very big fly rig here who can help you with this situation. (lori laughs) why--why do you need us? i ha-- i'm not allowed to do anything for abc. (laughter) if i ever write a really funny cartoon, i'm gonna hand it to seth and say, "here." but right now i have, like, five amazing people in front of me that can help me get this on the market. what are your sales for the last year? only 3,000 traps. seth, uh, where do you live? i-i don't like flies in my house. do you use

come on, stewie. up to bed. no party? oh, come on.all those silly photos i took of meg. well, happy birthday anyway, meg. see you in the morning. (doorbell rings) hey, quagmire. what's going on? well, peter, a little birdie told me that today is meg's birthday. you giving me credit? yeah, i just told him. i'm the one who told him. so where is the birthday girl? oh, hi, mr. quagmire. oh, please, my father is mr. quagmi-- oh, no. he's... okay, well, he used to be mr. quagmire. now he's, how he's just ida davis. anyway, this is a special day for you, young lady. here's a gift for ya. a scented candle? as a girl, i love this! that was originally $30. thanks, mr. quagmire. well, it's your 18th birthday, meg. that's a very important milestone in a young girl's... i mean, a young woman's life. hey, welcome to the adult club, huh? and you know what? you got another member right next door if you ever want to talk and stuff. happy birthday. hey... hey, where's that pinky going, huh? where's he going? wha, what's he doing? get back here. there y

stewie (echoing): ay, caramba! (audience laughs, applauds) announcer: and then, history makes its first mistake in history-- it cancels family guy. announcer: august 12, 2004. eric hammel, a misogynistic, pothead loner from cincinnati, walks into a store and buys a family guy dvd. history is listening. (quickly): american dad is also a show. but tonight, the biggest history in the history of history will be made. because, for the first time ever, prime-time animation will be going... live! from fox studios in century city, california, it's the first-ever live telecast of an animated series. this is... the cleveland show live! with special guest star julia roberts! brought to you by circuit city! circuit city-- there's one left! come find us! featuring the walter murphy orchestra. (audience applauds) and now, an overweight, bumbling, cartoon dad... cleveland brown! (applause) ♪ my name is cleveland brown ♪ and i am proud to be ♪ right back for season two ♪ with my new family... (timpani roll) ladies and gentlemen, t

he makes up one-third of the stewy brothers rap good. he was visiting his booking agent, big kev, who lives in this apartment complex. you see that car right there. that car is wadded up against a tree in the parking lot of the apartment complex. he is claiming that the guy on the right is drunk and drove his car right into the tree. you see, there are a few little cuts and some blood on the suspected driver's face. >> apparently, this is 6:30 in the morning. the thud is so loud, it got a bunch of people to come out of their home to see what happened. >> it happened about three months ago in houston, texas. >> do you have a license? >> i haven't been drinking, man. >> maybe the air bags and the impact jarred his brain and that's why he is talking slurred? >> what the hell do you want, man? >> hard to deny the stain on your pants if you notice that. >> he paid himself. >> big kev also claims this guy hit three our cars in the apartment complex. >> thank goodness nobody was killed. >> they claim this guy said the tree was in his way. >> yo

she would make, you know, the bean beans and greens and stewy thing.read and the wine. he had hiss bread truck. >> a professional baker? >> he was a big time guy. the thing is he knew my father would drink like -- drink themselves silly with this wine. >> they didn't give a damn about driving drunk. who knew what he was doing. and they didn't live that far away. i remember this like it was yesterday. i'm a kid and i watched them sit there. they used to give us wine and gingerale. that's why i'm such a drunk today. so we went out like on a hunt looking for him. and we -- and it is like a mile square, like a little town. on the way back to his house, suddenly in the shade we see the truck parked. he's like this in the truck. you didn't want to wake him up but you had to take him home. what are you going to do? he was out like a light. >> the search for uncle joe. >> you know, "taxi" is one of my all time favorite shows. and you and doug will be working together? >> yes. >> we're doing "the sunshine boys." danny devito! we will be right back. >> the jimmy