presented by captain morgan white rum. and now, i reckon, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you. that's very nice. welcome from austin. i'm jimmy kimmel. your enthusiasm is very nice. [ applause ] >> jimmy: fantastic. we're here from austin, texas. very nice. this could go on forever. i hope everyone -- are everyone's horns hooked in what not tonight? i stand before you half man, half brisket. you know you've been in austin too long when you start randomly finding rib bones in your pockets, which i did tonight. i can't button my suit. look at this. i can't fit in my clothes anymore because of this place. i'm going to leave it open. everyone has been so welcoming. a giant sign on the outside in advance of our arrival here, unfortunately it was very windy last night. when we got here this morning, our beautiful sign looked like this. our sign looks like what is about to happen to my pants right now. maybe this is god's way of telling me we have to go home. do you think the sign is a sign? you know, austin is an interesting town. there'

chand. [ cheers and applause ] >> portions of "jimmy kimmel live" are brought to you by captain morgan white rumain. please drink responsibly. hd 3 makes everything algood even better...ilk from the bowls of cereal you make... to all the delicious recipes you bake. because inside every carton is the goodness of blue diamond almonds. almond breeze. almondiciously good! alrexcuse me, should just about do it. what are you doing? uh, well we are fine tuning these small cells that improve coverage, capity and quality of the network. it means you'll be able to post from the breakroom. great! did it hurt? when you fell from heaven? (awkward laugh) ...a little.. (laughs) im sorry, i have to go. at&t is building you a better network. tortuwe're talking damaged! new fructis damage eraser. with phyto-keratin complex, it has the power to reconstruct strength by 90% root-to-tip. so do your thing. new fructis damage eraser. garnier. want a better way to deal with split ends? new split-end bandage from garnier fructis. reconstructs strength right to the splits. then helps stop new ones from starting. new fruct

>> announcer: portions of "jimmy kimmel live" are brought to you by captain morgan white rum. m has a new captain. please drink responsibly. that's why you need clar it combines the leading non-drowsy antihistamine with a decongestant that's powerful and fast-acting all in one pill. so you get more complete relief of your allergy symptoms. when your allergies hit you with nasal congestion go to the pharmacy counter for claritin-d. and blow away nasal congestion, fast. introducing the new flatizit's on.bway! flatizza! super crispy flatbread topped with mozzarella, marinara...and made the way you say. subway you did it again. right now get two for only $5. subway. eat fresh. the expedia app helps you save with mobile-exclusive deals download the expedia app text expedia to 75309 expedia, find yours >> jimmy: tonight on the program -- starting friday, you can see him as cesar chavez in the aptly title film "cesar chavez." michael pena is here. and then a terrific band. their album is called "if you wait." london grammar from the at&t stage. tomorrow night -- jason bateman will be

presented by captain morgan white rum. and now, i reckon, here's jimmy kimmel!s and applause ] ♪

presented by captain morgan white rum. and now -- light, camera, action. here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >>> thank you very much. i am host of the show. thank you for watching. putting on your oscar sunday best for our ninth annual oscar special. the 86th annual academy awards wrapped up across the street here in hollywood. a night of suspenders, of seek wince and seacrests. ellen degeneres was excellent. she kept it loose. she brought pizza. congratulations to matthew mcconaughey, who won better actor. [ cheers and applause ] >> really incredible performance as a human slim jim. the best thing about matthew mcconaughey winning best actor, he gets to have the movie failure to launch removed from his permanent record. jared leto won best supporting actor. [ cheers and applause ] >> the same movie, for transforming from man into transgender woman. and yet, the academy never honors the auto bots for transforming themselves from robots into cars. racism? you be the judge. [ laughter ] >> barkhad abdi nominated for

. >> captain morgan white rum.he answer to all of life's ridiculous questions. [ sneezes ] [ male announcer ] if you have yet to master the quiet sneeze... ♪ [ sneezes ] [ male announcer ] you may be an allergy muddler. try zyrtec®. it gives you powerful allergy relief. and zyrtec® is different than claritin® because zyrtec® starts working at hour 1 on the first day you take it. claritin® doesn't start working until hour 3. [ sneezes ] [ male announcer ] zyrtec®. love the air. [ female announcer ] this week only, save up to $10 on zyrtec® products. see sunday's newspaper. >> jimmy: america's favorite pretend first lady. you can see her on "scandal" bellamy young is here. and then this single "feels like coming home" jetta from the at&t stage. we have a jetta and a corolla on the stage tonight. you can watch adam on "catch a contractor" sunday night at 10:00 on spike. i got a preview of this today. it's fantastic. adam. what he does is -- well, maybe you should tell it. you catch these contractors in the act of -- >

portions of jimmy kimmel live are brought to you by captain morgan's white rum.t do it. excuse me, what are you doing? uh, well we are fine tuning these small cells that improve coverage, capacity and quality of the network. it means you'll be able to post from the breakroom. great! did it hurt? when you fell from heaven? (awkward laugh) ...a little.. (laughs) im sorry, i have to go. at&t is building you a better network. you may be muddling through allergies. don't get caught off guard. try new zyrtec® dissolve tabs. powerful allergy relief now in a tablet that starts dissolving instantly. new zyrtec® dissolve tabs. and you said no phones. the vacation you've been looking for is here. come and take it, universal orlando. at an undisclosed mcdonald's location, there is a club. inside, the best of the best gather. and tonight, they welcome their newest member, mr. lebron james. what does one serve the best basketball player in the world? the new bacon clubhouse sandwich of course. 100% pure beef or chicken on a new artisan roll. all with our famous big mac special