♪ [ laughter ] >> steve: wow. >> jimmy: jimmy baseball, man. >> steve: jimmy baseball.mmy. >> jimmy: no tie friday. >> steve: no tie friday. ntif. ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, israeli prime minister benjamin netanyahu, for being re-elected to a fourth term, or as voters put it -- ♪ we want our bibi back bibi back bibi back ♪ [ laughter ] >> steve: voters are big fans of chiles. >> jimmy: thank you, wichita state university mascot wushock, for looking like a a muppet gordon ramsey. [ ramsey impersonation ] donkey! throw a three pointer donkey! this isn't risotto! [ laughter ] >> steve: member of the wu-shock clan. ♪ >> thank you, espn college basketball analyst dick vitale, for planting a giant kiss on ashley judd this week. even joe biden was like, dude, boundaries. [ laughter and applause ] >> steve: oh, yeah. come on. oh, mr. vice president. >> jimmy: oh hi, mr. biden. ♪ thank you, the new bioengineered apples that are being described as genetically modified to resist browning. or as that's also called, being irish. [ laughter and applause ] hard to get a tan. hard to get a

>> 6 or 7. >> jimmy: 6 or 7? >> 6 or 7. >> jimmy: 6 or 7? >> 6 or 7. >> jimmy: 6 or 7?t there. >> that's a great card. >> jimmy: certainly is. >> that's a great card. >> jimmy: one of my favorite cards. >> you know what? hey, real quick, you know what i think i want? i want a 5. give me a 5. >> jimmy: is that right? >> give me a 5. give me a 5. >> jimmy: you want a 5? >> give me a five. >> jimmy: 17? >> oh. oh. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: will you stick with 17? >> listen, they call 17 the mother-in-law. >> jimmy: why is that? >> because you want to hit it, but sometimes you can't. [ laughter ] ♪ i'm going to -- i'm going to stay. >> jimmy: all right, you're going to stay. >> i'm going to stay. >> jimmy: hit me. that's 13. hit me. here we go. i've got to do it. i've got to do it. here we go. >> oh, shoot. >> jimmy: no, 13. i won! 18! i won! [ applause ] ♪ >> hit me good. >> jimmy: i know you've got a a big weekend. got a big weekend. >> go ahead. hit me. i don't care. >> jimmy: here we go. that was a good one. >> you should have smacked me harder. >> jimmy: no, no, no, i can

the other jimmy. >> steve: jimmy corden!h reminds me -- sure, honey, i'd love to go to your sister's for dinner this weekend. [ laughter and applause ] [ laughter ] >> steve: something funny? >> jimmy: oh, nothing, honey. >> steve: what are you eating? >> jimmy: nothing, honey. >> steve: tell me what you're eating, you fool. >> jimmy: nothing, honey. >> steve: son of a [ bleep ]. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: it's the name of the cereal box. [ laughter ] >> steve: just tell me what you're eating! ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, adults on swing sets, for showing me in commercials that the depression medicine works. [ laughter ] there you go. that's our thank you notes. we'll be right back with more "tonight show"! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hey, guys. the new samsung suhd tv uses nano crystal technology, which means you can now see brilliant colors you never knew were there. >> can you see blue? >> jimmy: you sure can. >> what about red? >> jimmy: you bet. >> purple? >> jimmy: yep. >> green? >> jimmy: uh-huh. >> magenta? >> jimmy: m

accent. >> jimmy: oh really?n't actually talk like that at all. i don't naturally talk like the queen. >> jimmy: no, you don't. >> i've got an okay accent. but the queen has the perfect upper-class accent. >> jimmy: very upper class. very posh. i was just wondering if your voice sounded the same like on helium. have you ever like -- [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] just because it just so happens -- >> i haven't done this since i was about 11. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: welcome to "the tonight show." yeah, yeah, yeah. come on. i'll do it with you. i'll just ask you three questions. >> absolutely. >> jimmy: yes? >> yes. >> jimmy: okay. good. and i will ask you questions. [ cheers and applause ] and i'll do it too. here's one for you. and then i'm grabbing one as well. here we go. i'll ask you the questions. >> this is a rude bit. >> jimmy: yes. ready? >> suck in. sorry. [ laughter ] sorry. >> jimmy: i'll take the red one and you take -- >> okay. >> jimmy: you have the blue one. it matches your dress. here we go. a

>> jimmy: yeah.jimmy: no no. will, wait. >> and all of you can buy -- >> jimmy: will, the opportunity to go out and buy, that's not a a big deal. that's nothing new. people, they could always do that. >> please, call me little debbie, all right? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: fine. little debbie. you must really enjoy these snacks. >> i sure do. in fact, i love them so much that if i close my eyes and eat something, i can tell you whether it's a tasty debbie delight or a plain baked potato. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: wow. i mean, that's amazing. actually, that sounds pretty easy, though. >> really? >> jimmy: yeah. >> well, you sound pretty stupid. [ laughter ] here, i'll prove it. give me a plate with a a little debbie's snack and a a baked potato. i'll close my eyes and tell you which one is which. >> jimmy: okay. >> do you have a plate? >> jimmy: yes, we do, actually. >> okay. >> jimmy: close your eyes. i'm going to swap this around. we don't know which one is on which side. one of these is a baked potato. the

>> steve: and now, here he is, jimmy fallon! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you. hey!hank you very much. thank you. aw, please. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ hey, that's what i'm talking about. welcome. hello. hi, hi, hi everybody. thank you for being here. here's what people are talking about, you guys. the white house announced yesterday that iraqi prime minister haider al abadi will meet with president obama in april, even though haider has criticized the u.s. for not doing enough to help the iraqi military. when obama heard that, he was like, "well, what you gonna do, haiders gonna haid." [ laughter ] and you go, "yeah, i know but you got to meet with him anyway." get this story, in a recent interview, the president revealed he doesn't always get enough sleep. [ laughter ] i think i speak for everyone when i say, "good." yeah, that's -- we pay you money to do that, so we can watch "dancing with the stars" and go to sleep. that's what we pay you -- you're the president. yeah. yeah. bummer, yeah. bummer. yeah. president obama admitted he doesn't get enough sleep. doctors

>> jimmy.n here for "whiplash," and i was growing it out. and i take a long time to grow some facial hair, man. everyone has their strengths. i'm a great dancer. i have good hair. i don't' have like weird body hair, you know what i mean? >> jimmy: growing a stache. >> but i would love to just grow like a thick tom selleck mustache. >> jimmy: me too! >> yeah, i would love to grow that but i physically can't. [ laughter ] so, what am i going to do? >> jimmy: i grew a wispy one for my high school yearbook. a good whisper -- it's almost like a "touch and feel" in my yearbook. it's like -- [ laughter ] flopping and flowing like long locks of hair. i would actually french braid my mustache in high school. but that was -- i see this is for a role. >> i played vinny paz, yeah. who, if you're from the northeast, if you're from the boston area, rhode island, you know who he is. he was a five-time world champion. >> jimmy: did he get in an accident? >> yeah. crazy comeback story. he was a two-time world c

and our mascot looks a lot like you, jimmy. >> jimmy: does it really? >> yes, i have a bobble head of him right here. >> jimmy: let me have a look there. yeah. it's a dead ringer. why is he wearing a baseball batting helmet for a football team? >> that's a hard hat. he's a driller in the oil field. >> jimmy: oh, i see. i see. maybe we'll hook him up with sharon, and they can get some sexual education going on. all right, well, thank you, harold, so nobody celebrated national pancake day today. if you want to be a part of the wall of america, it's easy. you go to jimmy kimmel live.com and all the information is there. oh, thanks. that's the wall of america. [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: it's weird, right? and you know people are going to be naked on that thing eventually. [ laughter ] in bakersfield, taco bell started testing a new dessert item called captain crunch delights. warm doughnut holes filled with sugary cream and rolled in captain crunch. they really know how to capture the flavors of old mexico. taco bell is essentially what you get if you

, jimmy.. [ laughter ] are you zooming in? yeah, yeah. that's right. i'm zooming in. [ laughter ] i don't know what's going on. this first one's from @slimzimmerman. >> steve: what? slim zimmerman? >> jimmy: well, it sounds like it's fake already. [ laughter ] >> steve: slim zimmerman. >> jimmy: you may know him as slim dylan. no. it's a deep cut there. that's a deep musical joke. slim zimmerman. he says -- ♪ spring break hookups yo don't even bother ♪ ♪ you'll end up on maury hearing you are the father ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: there you go. that's what i'm saying. [ cheers and applause ] spring break raps. >> steve: spring break raps. >> jimmy: this one's from @jpgrego. he says -- ♪ spring break in boston was a really bad plan ♪ ♪ only action i got was from a slutty snowman ♪ [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: no. no, that's not good. frostbite. >> steve: yeah, frostbite. >> jimmy: you have frostbite, man. >> steve: in all the unusual places. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: is that a -- that's a a garth brooks

>> yes. >> jimmy: and i know he's a big jimmy fallon fan. >> he is, you're the man. >> jimmy: he callsat. >> yeah, he calls you "the man." [ laughter ] he does. [ applause ] >> jimmy: he calls me "the man." >> he does. >> jimmy: what's up, buddy? hey, it's the man, saying "hi, how ya doing, pal?" >> because we went through a a "frozen" phase of about 16 years at our house. and jimmy sang the song with idina menzel. so sam just kept asking to see "the man." jimmy: yeah so it wasn't really "the man", it was, "i want to see the man who sings." >> oh, no. come on. "the man", "the man." i am -- let's go. >> jimmy: yeah. i'm in i'm doing it, yeah. i'm going. >> i don't -- make me look like a lush, yeah. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> i win. i win. i mean -- >> jimmy: you're so competitive all the time. >> i know, i just always beat you. it's so weird. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: it's, so -- it's unbelievable. yeah, i'm going to -- well, i'll rematch you, i want to ask you about the game later. we have to talk about your film. >> oh! >> jimmy: that's why you're here >> i like my film so much. >> jim

>> jimmy: why do i like jimmy?, we're just so grateful aren't we that we get to play every single day. which is the best job in the world. but it's really turned into -- because i give so much stuff away on the show and i dance now. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we don't do that -- we don't do that type of -- >> i know. >> jimmy: we don't do that type of shenanigans on our show. >> i know. i know. but my show because, you know, i started as stand up. but it's become like 80 percent free stuff and 20 percent dancing. i don't even do comedy. [ laughter ] if i do vegas, that's the name of the show. it's free stuff and dancing. people line up. >> jimmy: yeah, exactly yeah. >> but, so yeah, people like that. i find that people love to get stuff. i'm not going to do -- [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we don't have anything. we don't have anything! i didn't bring anything. >> no, you don't have anything because you don't give stuff away. but people expect it from me wherever i go. [ cheers and applause ] first of al

jimmy: good-bye.ell, that was a surprise. boy. i have to say -- i didn't think it was possible, but the christmas decorations are the least weird thing about it. meanwhile, while the rest of us are celebrating christmas, a lot of high school and college students right now are on spring break. i never went to spring break. i barely went to college. [ cheers and applause ] now, thanks to the internet, we don't have to go on spring break, we can share in the frivolity through videos like this one from porter ranch, texas. >> get him, brother! he set us up, he set us up! [ bleep ]. hey, dude, he's scared, he's scared, brother. he ain't going to [ bleep ] with you. [ bleep ], [ bleep ]. get him, get him! >> jimmy: run fast. spring broken collarbones. we have a special something we do from time to time during springtime here in hollywood. we have visitors, some of them are very young visitors, so they will stay a couple of doors down from us at the hollywood backpacker hostel next door. beds at this hostel

>> jimmy: how are you doing? >> good. >> jimmy: good to see you.ose things that are filled with candies here? >> yes, we have many of those. >> jimmy: what are those called? >> pinatas. >> jimmy: yes! >> guillermo: sa lewd. salud. >> jimmy: which one is the best pinata in the store? >> best pinata -- >> jimmy: pinata! >> guillermo: tequila! [ speaking spanish ] >> guillermo: are we going to have enough room for all these? >> jimmy: we'll make room. we have to make room. i like this thing. tequila and pinatas. >> guillermo: hi! pinatas, yeah, whoo! >> jimmy: we lost a duck. pinata! >> guillermo: pinatas. hi. >> hi. >> jimmy: do you have pin yacht taz here? >> yes, we do have. >> jimmy: you have what? >> pinatas. >> jimmy: oh! >> guillermo: tequila! >> jimmy: pinata. >> guillermo: wow! you almost break it. >> jimmy: i know, you wouldn't want to break a pinata. oh my god, what is this one? who's this? >> guillermo: bin laden. >> jimmy: it is bin laden. this is the one that should be -- >> guillermo: hold on. >> jimmy: what? that's how you hit bin lade

>> jimmy: what does that mean? >> i'm shy. >> jimmy: oh, really?u yell i'm shy at people? >> wo hi shu! it worked. >> jimmy: probably think you're crazy. this photograph fascinates me. this happened, what, two weeks ago? >> yeah. >> jimmy: you are talking to mark zuckerberg. what are you guys talking about there? are you really talking? or is it one of those we're pretending to be talking? >> we were pretending. he's actually a really, really cool guy. and -- yeah we had a really cool conversation. >> jimmy: you did. he wanted to talk to you about things? or did you want to talk to him about things? >> it's a little this, a little that, know what i mean? >> jimmy: what did you ask him about? >> well, i said i wanted to take some of the spam off my page. >> jimmy: oh, really >> and we did. we like -- we cleaned up the page and streamlined it. >> jimmy: you treated him like an i.t. guy. >> basically. >> jimmy: yeah, right. >> and he said, you know -- and he was saying -- i guess i anticipated. he said, i want another xxx. >> jimmy: oh, i see. >> so i

>> thanks jimmy. >> jimmy: no problem. >> it's warm, right? do it? ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: so -- oh my god. [ cheers and applause ] i can't even see. it went up my eyelids. it went up my eyelids. that is real, that's fake -- not so funny. oh, my gosh. [ cheers and applause ] thanks to sienna miller. "american sniper" opens friday. don't miss it. stick around, everybody. we'll be right back. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ real fruit in silky smooth ♪ dove dark chocolate. new dove fruit. choose a pleasure less ordinary. (spoken in german) performance, is now an american thing. introducing the all new chrysler 200 america's import find it at chrysler.com peoplsprint's cut your bill takin half event.of what's that in your hand? um... my at&t bill. my verizon bill. what's the monthly rate? $85 about $160 what if sprint could cut your rate plan in half? i... would love to cut that in half. and give you unlimited talk and text in the u.s., and match your data. that's incredible. bring in your verizon or at&t bill, and we'll cut your rate plan in hal

>> jimmy: yeah. >> steve: it's a big box store. >> jimmy: yeah. obama. he replied, "almost down to the sweet 16." i think i know what that's about. here's the question, "how many more months until you get to leave the white house?" [ laughter and applause ] "16 more months and i'm out! boo-yah!" >> steve: boo-yah? >> jimmy: boo-yah. >> steve: he says boo-yah? >> jimmy: i don't know. [ laughter ] >> steve: hulk smash. >> jimmy: here's one from donald trump. we love donald trump. he comes on all the time. he replied "wildcats, bruins, and badgers." let's see the question. "name three animals that growl when seeing your hair." well, that makes sense. [ laughter and applause ] >> steve: you're fired. [ laughter ] [ growling ] [ meowing ] [ laughter ] [ snoring ] [ laughter ] >> jimmy: lap it up. yeah. [ lapping sounds ] sorry. [ coughing ] sorry. good boy. good boy. good boy. [ growling ] [ laughter ] let's keep going. here's one from apple. they responded, "we can't say for sure but probably by december." let's see the question, "when will i be done

make it work, jimmy." >> steve: the natty professor. >> jimmy: the natty professor.a stylish dude. and they're currently on tour with ariana grande right now. they had huge hits this year. rixton is performing tonight. [ cheers and applause ] talented band. guys, it's time for "tonight show hashtags." here we go. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ hashtags hashtags ♪ >> jimmy: yeah! you guys are on twitter, right? you guys are on twitter? [ cheers and applause ] it's fun. well, we use twitter on our show every single week. so, if you watch our show and you want to play along, we do this thing every wednesday where i send out a hashtag and we ask you guys to tweet out things based on that topic. so, since the finale of "the jinx" on hbo featured a a shocking confession overheard on tape, i went on twitter and started a hashtag called "i once overheard." >> steve: ooh. >> jimmy: i asked you guys to tweet out something funny, weird, or embarrassing that you overheard someone say. we've got thousands of tweets. within 120 minutes, it was a a worldwide trending topic. so, thank yo

>> thank you, jimmy.l, i'm here in the backlot of universal studios, and as you can see, it's pretty quiet. but in a few hours -- >> jimmy: oh, no. oh, no. that's terrible. pat, are you okay, buddy? >> what the heck? that guy came out of nowhere. >> jimmy: yeah, he did. >> sorry, jimmy. anyway, as i was saying, the universal backlot's going to be bu -- [ anvil crashing ] >> jimmy: an anvil fell. >> steve: an anvil! someone threw an anvil at him. >> jimmy: pat, are you still there? patrick? [ cheers and applause ] oh, my. you don't want to see that. you just don't -- you don't like to see that. stay in the tram if you do the universal tour. stay inside -- >> steve: what kind of dog was that? >> jimmy: what kind of dog? i think it was a wiener dog. [ laughter ] i hope he's okay. i hope he's all right. here's some political news, guys. i read that seven prominent republicans will attend the first ever iowa agriculture summit, where they will discuss farming issues. chris christie might not go because the las

>> guillermo: no, jimmy, no. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: okay, all right.y the way, how do the boy scouts get away with not having to sell anything? sitting around in their neckerchiefs. tying knots. [ laughter ] remember that thing patricia arquette said at the oscars about women not getting equal pay? i blame the girl scouts. okay, we do our show from right in the heart of hollywood. visitors from all over the world stroll by our studio every day. over the course of the 12 1/2 years we've been working here i've developed a knack for determining who is a foreigner and who is not. and with that said, it's time to put my abilities to the test. it's time to play "foreigner or not?" [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: all right. so cousin sal is out on hollywood boulevard. hi, cousin sal. how are you doing? >> sal: hey, jimmy. does this hurt at all? >> jimmy: yeah. >> sal: i'll get it right. >> jimmy: i'm the little one here, yeah. cousin sal, the weather is beautiful today, isn't it? >> sal: yeah, sure, it's always nice. >> jimmy: especially nice today. this is

i adore you as well. >> i happen to love you, jimmy fallon. jimmy ingrid fallon. >> jimmy: ingrid.stuff. >> jimmy: airplanes, yeah. >> it's not the weirdest spot. i mean, it's not a urinal in central park. but it's -- >> jimmy: yeah, it's true. but we also bumped into each other there as well. >> it's true. yes we do. >> jimmy: big scandal. >> oh, yes. >> jimmy: big scandal. >> urine-gate. >> jimmy: that's right. but we both recovered from that. >> last time i ran into you on an airplane, you brought me burger king. it was like the nicest thing in the world. >> jimmy: yeah. >> he did. he brought me a bag of burger king. >> jimmy: well i was just -- i think i was -- was it late night, right? >> red-eye? >> jimmy: yeah. very late. yeah. so i think i had a few beverages -- >> a good healthy meal before. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, yeah. i just went on and started throwing burgers at everybody. >> oh, yeah. >> jimmy: no, but that was good, right? >> that was very good. that was really nice. >> jimmy: you can't beat that. >> i was hoping you'd do a a little song and dance number, something to

>> oh, jimmy. >> jimmy: that's a yes?y? >> i think your guess -- >> jimmy: two of you, how will that work? >> i don't know. that's not a bad idea. >> jimmy: we don't know anything. >> maybe they'll have to face a wall. >> jimmy: i'm throwing this out -- >> are you getting paid for this? >> jimmy: of course i'm getting paid for this. this is my hobby? that i come here? i built this desk. this is -- my mom let me borrow this couch. neither one of you had any intention of moving to arlington, iowa. yes? let's be honest. right now. let's put this to rest. >> no, actually, if this doesn't work out we're going to move there. >> jimmy: moving to arlington together in the real estate seems inexpensive. >> we're going to open up the bank. >> jimmy: you could open a coffee shop, they don't have anything like that. >> yeah. >> jimmy: no anger towards chris? anything right now? >> no. >> jimmy: you guys are going to have to be the ones breaking people's hearts. >> yeah. >> jimmy: all of a sudden, the shoe's on the other foot. >> oh-o

oh. >> jimmy: the show "girls." >> "girls." >> jimmy: look at that guy. >> hbo. >> jimmy: do you knowhat show, katy? >> i'm trying to -- yes, it's coming in but it's coming slowly. hbo. there's a blank, i'm sorry. >> jimmy: okay, that's all right. well, we would have accepted hannah, jess, shauna, marney. >> oh, no. >> jimmy: but we have plenty more questions. next is for jared. jared, who is this actor? >> oh, he's a cowboy. he's in -- [ laughter ] >> he's in "true grit." >> jimmy: yeah, wow. >> that old guy that made a new album. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: not old anymore. >> jeff bridges? yeah. no, no, no -- john wayne. john wayne. >> jimmy: john wayne. that is absolutely right, yes. katy, who is this rapper? >> oh, my. jumping john or something? i don't know. >> jimmy: what did you say? >> i said jumping john. >> jimmy: well, that is lil wayne. lil wayne, yes. next question, jared, what is a telegram? >> oh. can i have a clue? >> jimmy: no, you cannot. >> it's an old tv? >> jimmy: it is not an old tv. katy, the question goes to you, what is a telegram? >> a telegram is a wire that is

you've been. >> jimmy: yeah. >> i'd love to go. >> jimmy: yeah.- it's almost like you're asking for attention. >> yes, quite. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. >> it wouldn't go down well now. >> jimmy: no, you're not allowed to do that. do you read the books as well? or do you just read the script? >> no i haven't. but i was a huge bond fan originally. and i remember "from russia with love." i loved it. eight bond films i think that you've done? and now this is "the second best exotic marigold hotel." very -- how did you come up with that title? second best. [ laughter ] the first one was a giant hit. i want to say $170 million that's all been grossed worldwide. beautiful place. shot in india, right? >> yes. in rajasthan. >> jimmy: i've never been there. >> oh, well you have to go. >> jimmy: really? >> and anyone that hasn't been should go. it's absolutely breathtaking. i bored my family when i came back so much after the first eight weeks there. bored them so much talking about india. they got to the stage where they'd say, "for goodness sake, don't ask her

jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- matthew perry -- from the wwe, john cena -- and music from for king and country. with cleto and the cletones. and now, most likely, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: hi, everybody. i'm jimmy, the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you to all of you for coming. we have a lot to get to tonight. first up -- i need to take care of some local business. i'm a little bit perturbed. it's a national show, it's an international show, in fact. every once in a while we have to think locally and tonight is one of those nights. the end of march, we're at the end of march, it's almost april. we're well into 2015. and yet there's a house not too far from here, i drive by ever reonce in a while, i've been wait knowledge to mention this because i wanted to give them a chance to do something about it. this house still has not only christmas decorations up, a lot of christmas decorations up. not just the lights. look at this. this is the house here in l.a. v

>> jimmy: why?, that's just the celtic -- >> jimmy: guillermo, do you know how to say it? >> guillermo: let me try. over here. >> jimmy: now you'll get it. >> okay, look -- first of all, you need a warmup. >> jimmy: you need a warmup, okay, all right. give me a warmup. >> la la la la la la la! >> jimmy: that's the warmup? i don't think it's going to help. but i'll do it. >> that's what my voice coach does with me if i'm trying to do an accent or use my voice. >> jimmy: i don't think it's going to help with me in this particular situation. give it a shot, guillermo. i want to hear it. l is y in spanish? >> guillermo: la la la la la! all right. le-ah here ker-will-go-gary- go-go-go. >> yay! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that cannot be the name of the town. what i mean, how do people get mail? you can't put that on an envelope. >> you abbreviate it. >> jimmy: and that's it, then people get the idea. i'm glad you moved, really. i don't blame you for getting out of there. when we come back we'll talk

>> jimmy: yeah. never do that, by the way. >> steve: talk about your d? you always talk about one d. >> jimmy: what's that? >> steve: one d. >> jimmy: no. one direction, dude. >> steve: oh, i'm sorry. i'm sorry about zayn. i'm sorry about zayn. >> jimmy: i can't believe zayn, man. ♪ it was just like yesterday. i look in the mirror. i hold their album behind me. i'd pretend that i was in one direction, too. like right now. i pretend i'm in g-unit. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] next one's from sarah larson in wethersfield, connecticut. that's the oldest town in connecticut. it's the oldest town, yeah. it's one of those captcha things, those squiggly words you have to type in before you can buy tickets to concerts and stuff like that. check this one out. "grandma stank." [ laughter ] >> steve: what? >> jimmy: "kids, grandma's here. grandma stank's here." "merry christmas, everyone. [ laughter ] i just ate some bleu cheese." [ laughter ] this next one is from aaron merrick in overland park, kansas

>> steve: and now, here he is, jimmy fallon! ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hey! how are you? nice to see you. oh, looking good. hot crowd tonight! hot crowd! welcome to "the tonight show," everybody. that's what i'm talking about. you guys, this is the hot show. this is the show to be at. this is the one. [ cheers and applause ] thank you all for being here. thank you all for being here. guys, here's what people are talking about. well, vice president joe biden fueled more speculation about his possible 2016 presidential campaign by giving a speech in iowa yesterday. and you know how he's always joking around. yesterday biden said that he was elected to the senate 129 years ago. [ laughter ] then he said, "but i think we can all agree that it's felt much longer." [ laughter ] [ applause ] he wasn't joking there. but during the speech biden actually gave a big shout out to one of his good old friends. check out this video here. >> and neil smith, an old butt buddy. are you here, neil? neil, i miss you, man. i miss you. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: what'd he say? can we

and now, here's jimmy kimmel! ♪ >> jimmy: thank you for watching.had an interesting night last night. after we taped our show here i raced over to a studio about a mile away from here to be on the bachelor after the final rose special where the bachelor and his new fiance come out of hiding, like ground hogs. and they announce the new bachelorettes. bachelorettes are going to have two this season. and at the end of the first episode, the guys in the house are going to pick one of them, and she alone will be the bachelorette. which a lot of fans seem to be upset about it. they say it's women compete. when you get down to two, no. anyway, i was there last night to give the bachelor, chris, and his fiance whitney an engagement gift, because he's a farmer, i gave them a cow, a live cow, which was a joke. but i was talking to chris after the show, he said, you know, i'd really like to keep that cow. i was like, oh. i don't know how we're going to get it on the plane, but. so this is why it's important to have a bridal registry, it really is. they announc

[ laughter ] [ applause ] >> jimmy, i did it. i did it, jimmy. jimmy?plause ] >> jimmy? >> jimmy: it's our tenth annual "after the oscars" show. we'll be right back. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ready for another reason to switch to t-mobile? get america's best unlimited 4g lte family plan. two lines of unlimited 4g lte data for just $100 a month. stuck in a contract? don't get trapped by the other guys. t-mobile will break you free. we'll buy out your contract up to $650 per line. so don't wait, get americas best unlimited 4g lte family plan with two lines for just $100. switch to t-mobile today. well, i'd like to thank the academy. i'd like to thank john travolta, j.k. simmons. >> jimmy: well, i'd like i'd like to thank john travolta, j.k. simmons, and all of my students except for matt damon. we're back to work tomorrow night with kobe bryant, chrissy teigen, mash-up monday music from warren and kenny g, and guillermo on the red carpet with the oscar stars. >> guillermo: i'm very excited. i have a special surprise today. my tongue cam. for first time we'll see all of