dee left hand side. i promise in my administration there will be equal redistribution of dee dutchie." ( cheers and applause ) is what i imagine he would say. ( laughter ) of course, these days, you can get medical marijuana if you suffer from things like anxiety, nausea, and depression. and you know who could use a prescription? every voter in america, because this campaign season has been brutal. as the candidates fight and then the candidates fall, everybody just thirsts for their blood. it's terrible. it's like "the hunger games." no, it's worse than that. it's "the hungry for power games." ( cheers and applause ) welcome! ha, ha, ha, yas! welcome to "the hungry for power games!" tributes, assemble! no, oh, so few remain. you can barely count them on one of trump's teensy little doll hands. ( laughter ) and last week, yet another tribute fell, as retired neurosurgeon and ambien-american ben carson announced he was leaving the race. >> now that i am leaving the campaign trail-- >> no! >> you know, there are a lot of people who love me. they just won't vote for me. >> stephen: oh, well, oh, well. you know the old saying, "love means never having to say you're sorry you voted for ben carson." but his fall was not unexpected. no, he failed to win a single state on super tuesday-- or on average wednesday-- and carson told supporters he sees "no path forward." doctor, with your eyes closed, you can't see anything forward. ( cheers and applause ) oh, oh! my champagne is going flat! where's my voiceless eunuch!? this is andro. this is andro, my mute man-boy. andro, make happy bubble more now. ( cheers and applause ) good! more! more! yes, good. ( laughter ) shhh! shhhh! shhh! no need to thank me. no need to thank me. back in the pit. back in the pit, andro. ( cheers and applause ) mmm, mmm. ah, yes. mmm, yes. now that has all the sparkle that ben carson lacked. now, where was i? where was i? yes, yes, yes, yes! oh, yes! when the brave doctor announced his campaign, he immediately set the tone with a rousing battle cry: >> i'm not a politician. i don't want to be a politician. >> stephen: wish granted! poof! ( cheers and applause ) mmm! some in capitol city were surprised he didn't put up more of a fight, given this inspiring story of a childhood knife fight. >> i had a large camping knife, and i tried to stab him in the abdomen, and fortunately he had on a large metal belt buckle on under his clothing, and the knife blade struck with such force that it broke, and he fled in terror. ( laughter ) >> stephen: sadly, voters just don't trust someone who is bad at murder. so, let us bid farewell to the fallen. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: good night, sweet prince, good night-- that is, assuming you were ever awake in the first place. we'll be right back with helen mirren. ( band playing ) mom, who is that? hello! who? these dresses are fantastic. they're old navy. thanks. old navy?! all dresses are on sale up to 40% off. oh i have to go, to old navy right now. 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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my first guest tonight is an oscar-winning actress, whose new film is "eye in the sky." >> so the plan is to put a hellfire through the roof of that house. i need legal clearance, right now. >> a missile from the repo? >> yes. >> so this is no longer a capture situation? >> no, we have two suicide vests with explosives inside that house, so can you clear me to a higher c.d.e.? harold, this is a very time- sensitive target. do i have authority to strike? >> the rules of engagement you're operating under only allow for a low collateral damage estimate. >> yes, yes, and my weapons only invoke a low c.d.e. it's the explosives inside that house that bring it to a potentially high c.d.e. >> and since you know the explosives are in there, it is incumbent upon you to take them into account. i can see a potential legal objection. >> we have got two suicide bombers and three very high- value individuals inside that house. >> and you want them off your list, i understand that, but the rules of engagement you're operating under envisaged a capture, not a kill scenario. >> stephen: please welcome dame helen mirren. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) ( applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> if i didn't do it then, i'd never get to do it, so you know. i have been dreaming of doing that for about, you know, 15 years. so-- i just grabbed my chance. i'm sorry. i'm so sorry. >> stephen: i suddenly can't remember any questions. that is one of the nicest greetings any guest has ever given me. >> your lips are very soft. >> stephen: wow. you know what you're doing. ( laughter ) you know what you're doing. you really know what you're doing. thank you so much for being here! ( laughter ) can you imagine the number of people who are jealous of me right now? >> including me when i watch it. i'll be going, "oooh! why didn't i do more?" ( laughter ) >> stephen: oh! well, i'll tell you what, the night is young, dame helen. ( laughter ) you are absolutely a fantastic actress, a captivating woman, and on a level i never imagined before. ( laughter ) and-- and you're a dame. >> i am. >> stephen: okay, i have interviewed some sirs-- they never kissed me. ( laughter ) >> not even ian mckellan? >> stephen: not even ian mckellan. that would have been lovely. that would have been lovely, oh my god, sure. a helen mirren-ian mckellan sandwich? ah! does it come with anything cool, being a dame? >> it comes with a very nice, very glittery big star that you can wear at certain functions. you know, on the invitation it says-- i think, what's it say, not honors, something will be worn-- which means you can wear your thing. >> stephen: so like if it's a very special event it says you can wear the thing. >> yes, you can wear the thing, exactly. >> stephen: that's very nice. we don't have that over here. there's nothing special we get to wear over here. >> you should. because so many americans do such incredible things. >> stephen: they do. >> for their country, for their community, for all kinds of reasons and there really should be some form of recognition. >> stephen: but then we would need a monarchy and we're at least nine months away from that. ( cheers and applause ) don't you think? don't you think? >> i would prefer it to be a monarchy. i don't think it would be a monarchy. i think it would be a dictatorship, which is a very different thing. >> stephen: it could be, it could be. we'll see. we'll see. now you know a little thing or two about monarchy because you played a queen of some part, something like seven or eight times, right? >> possibly, yes. i haven't counted. >> stephen: you played elizabeth ii twice. you have played queen charlotte. you played elizabeth i. >> yes, yes. queen margaret. >> stephen: queen margaret, okay. >> cleopatra. >> stephen: cleopatra, oh yeah! did you go all the way through to putting the asp on your breast and all that dying and everything? >> of course! absolutely. we had a real one that escaped into the theater. ( laughs ) >> stephen: no, seriously? >> it's probably still there. >> stephen: you had a real asp on stage? >> we did, yes, absolutely. i mean, obviously, it wasn't a poisonous one. ( laughs ) well, we don't know. >> stephen: don't break the illusion. don't break the illusion. >> but yeah, it came out of the box all like this, you know, and everyone went, "oooh!" and then it escaped one night. and it's probably still in the bowels of the theater somewhere, i don't know. >> stephen: well, did you learn anything from playing a queen? do you have any sympathy for them? >> i'm not a monarchist. you know, i-- i really appreciate and respect our present queen elizabeth, you know, elizabeth windsor. i think she's done an incredible, you know, long, dedicated, dutiful job for her country, i think it's really amazing what she's done. but i'm-- i'm not a monarchist, particularly. >> stephen: for those who don't understand the monarchy, what do they do? ( laughter ) because i don't really mean to belittle, but i just don't understand necessarily what they do. to americans they're, like, fascinating. we love the royalty, maybe more than you all do. >> i know! what do they do? i mean, they just have to be incredibly nice to people all day long, every day. ( laughter ) and then, of course, people are very nice to them all day long, every day. >> stephen: until they're not. until they're not. >> yes, and i think-- >> stephen: until they get savaged in the press. >> and when they get savaged in the press. and when that first started, i think that must have been a real shock to the system for them, you know, because they really weren't used to that. but, you know, you watch the queen at work, and it's just extraordinary, just endlessly shaking hands, smiling at people, encouraging them. "where do you come from?" that's what she always asks, "and where do you come from?" and then really doesn't listen to the answer at all. ( laughter ) >> stephen: that's the easy part of the job. >> i'm from mars and i live-- i live in mars, and, yes, i am an alien. >> stephen: "how delightful." >> "how very interesting. anyway... on to the next." >> stephen: well, your majesty, can you hang out for a second? we have to take a little commercial, but we'd love to come back and-- and if you deign to give us your presence some more, we would be very honored. we'll be back with more helen mirren. ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) whaaaaat? i can pour this champagne on my phone and it still work. whaaaaat? yeah look. [phone ringing] kenny, i'm 'bout to put you in the fish tank. whaaaaat? that's crazy. [electrical cracking] your phone can't do that max. here, i have another one. 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( band playing ) ( applause ) >> stephen: we're back with helen mirren. now, as someone from england, would you care for a spot of tea while we sit down here? >> oh, my god! i'd love a cup of tea. are we allowed that? >> stephen: but-- but as-- as the queen of all our hearts, i thought perhaps it would be nice if we had a little bit of tea, right now. and how-- >> oh, how gorgeous! look at that! >> stephen: and how do you take it? how do you take it? >> is it bags, or is it tea? >> stephen: no, it says brewed tea. it's english breakfast tea. >> okay, go ahead then. >> stephen: would you like? >> that's lovely. and it's hot! >> stephen: okay, so tell me about the movie. is that too much? >> it's perfect, no, it's perfect, thank you. >> stephen: sorry, i didn't know. do you take cream? >> a little milk here. >> stephen: a little milk, is that right? just say when. so, in the movie, you play a colonel-- >> i do. >> stephen: who is using drones to spy on terrorists. >> not to spy on-- >> stephen: not spy on? >> to attack. >> stephen: okay, but doesn't she have to spy, first? >> yes, yes. >> stephen: what, do you need something? do you need a spoon? >> no, i just want more tea, that's all. >> stephen: more tea? more tea, okay, you told me to stop-- i was pouring and you told me to stop. >> yeah, i know, and then i put the milk in, and then there was too much milk and now i have to put a bit more tea in to make it right. >> stephen: i don't think i'm getting another kiss at the end of this one. i've really blown it. ( laughter ) the movie is, you know-- she's having-- there's conflict within the chain of command as to whether you can kill someone and have collateral damage-- >> yes. >> stephen: and whether there is a distance between the military action which is lethal, and the drone operator. and as the-- this woman, who is the commander, who is very hawkish, is sort of a surprising figure because we don't think of this in america-- >> well-- >> stephen: we don't think of female military figures as being sort of hawkish and ready to kill. >> well, i'm sorry, anyone who is in the military, by nature is a hawk, aren't they? i mean, that's their job. >> stephen: i suppose so. >> you don't want a dove, do you, at the head of your--? ( laughs ) >> stephen: i guess not, guess not. >> at least the head of the military. >> stephen: when you were working on the character, is there something different for a-- the idea of a woman being a hawk as opposed to a man? >> i don't think so. i think that, obviously-- it was originally written for a man, incidentally. >> stephen: really? >> and it was changed to a woman. >> stephen: they said, "helen mirren is available, let's--" >> yes, yes! ( cheers and applause ) but it wasn't just-- the director said that it just gives it-- it doesn't just become a man-- a bloke's movie about war. it gives it a broader, human sort of perspective, really. but yes, it's about-- it's-- you know, i think it's a kind of a court drama with the audience as the jury. i'm really hoping that it doesn't cause any divorces, because it's the kind of movie that when you come out of, people will have very fierce opinions about the issues, about what's right, what's wrong, what would do you in that position, what you wouldn't do in that position? >> stephen: is the technology in the movie accurate? because they have these little drones-- little beetles, tiny little things. >> it is. >> stephen: smaller than a hummingbird, smaller than a beetle, flying into people's houses and spying on them. >> that's real. the technology is at that point and it's going to go much further beyond that point in the next ten or 15 years. that's what's so extraordinary. i mean, obviously a lot of this is-- i'm sure it's sort of secret in a sense-- >> stephen: not anymore. ( laughter ) >> not anymore. >> stephen: thanks a lot, helen mirren. >> have we done something, oh my god! ( laughs ) >> stephen: can i ask what is that-- that tattoo? >> my tattoo? >> stephen: is that okay to ask what that is? >> yes, what it means, or--? >> stephen: yes, what does it mean? >> it means-- >> stephen: it's sort of two "v"s inverted against each other. >> it is. it kind of means, equal and opposite, so something can be as different from you as you can possibly imagine but have equal value to yourself. that's the sort of overall idea of it. i used to tell people i got it in prison before my sex change. ( laughter ) >> stephen: well, they did a very, very good job, let me just say. >> yes, it was very expensive. no, but, i got my tattoo when only hell's angels and criminals had tattoos. >> stephen: back in the 1970s? >> yes, yes, in the '70s, exactly right, in the '70s. i got it done here in america. >> stephen: really? >> yes, with a safety pin. >> stephen: when-- when you were-- ( laughter ) with a safety pin? and, like, a bottle of ink or something? >> yes, a bottle of ink. >> stephen: you're fascinating. were you-- i understand you actually were something of a carnival barker when you were younger? there's a different name for it in england. >> well, when i was at school-- i mean, i was at the convent school, so i was a good girl-- >> stephen: you were at a convent school? >> yes, i had to go to a convent school, yes. with nuns. >> stephen: oh, really? did you ever think about taking the orders? >> you know, i did. when i was about 11 or 12. something very-- >> stephen: oh, you would be such trouble on those young boys you were teaching. it would have been so hard on them. >> no, it was all girls, it was an all girls' school. but anyway, it was a sort of saturday job. yes, i worked as a barker in the local-- because i grew up in the sort of the british equivalent of coney island. so it was a sort of seaside resort sort of place with carnivals and rides and stuff like that. so i worked in the carnival for a while. >> stephen: so what would you do? sort of like, "step up! step up! she walks, she talks, she crawls on her bell as a reptile. gorilla, gorilla! come inside!" >> i did what was known as blagging. i was on a darts stall. i was trying to explain that, darts stall. >> stephen: exactly, like-- like a carnival where you throw the darts that hit balloons and stuff like that. >> so i had to get people to the stall, my stall, as opposed to any other stall. >> stephen: was it like, hit the balloons and win a doll, or something? >> yes. >> stephen: was it a total rip- off? >> yes, completely. >> stephen: so you were a con man! >> yes, yeah, and i blag, i blag-- >> stephen: you were a tattooed con man who spent her time at a convent school. >> i didn't have my tattoo then. that was later. >> stephen: you didn't have your tattoo then? >> but i blagged. i'd go, "excuse me, sir, excuse me, excuse me, yes, you, did you park at the gate? did you? i'm sorry, did you? i don't think you did? could you come here a second? could you just come here a second, i just want to ask you something. did you park in at the gate? did you? >> jon: yes, i did. okay, yeah, okay. >> you did, oh, good! i'm very happy to hear it! come over here. now, we've got a very good stall here. you know, my prizes... ( laughter ) >> jon: yeah, over there. >> stephen: she got you. jon, helen. helen, jon. >> jon: hi. ( applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: she got me. >> that's blagging. >> stephen: how much different is that from acting? >> it's exactly the same! ( laughter ) you're so right. >> stephen: yeah. >> that was when my career began. i never thought of that. >> stephen: well, helen mirren, thank you so much for being here. it was an absolute pleasure to meet you. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) "eye in the sky" opens this friday. helen mirren, everybody. we'll be right back. ♪ ♪ to those who don't run from mud...but through it. who know it wasn't a day at the beach... unless someone got buried. to the fullbacks... gearheads... and those with green thumbs. to the sticky... the stinky... even those who get a little icky. to all the beautiful mess makers, keep it up... with delta in2ition plus h2okinetic, you can. see what delta can do. man, i might just chill puppymonkeybaby... puppymonkeybaby... puppymonkeybaby... puppymonkeybaby... puppy... ...monkey... ...baby ...puppymonkeybaby... puppymonkeybaby... mountain dew kickstart. dew. juice. caffeine. this turkyeah. natural? it's too good to be true. not again. it's called a timeshare. we don't own it, we share it. let's do it. oh yeah. finally, something that's not too good to be true. it's oscar mayer natural turkey breast, and it tastes great. what's the most awarded ranking from top to bottom. luxury cars just seem like they would be top awarded. there better be some awards behind what you are paying for, right. the final answer. chevy. the most awarded car company two years in a row. wow, it's like a luxury car. i was shocked. i mean it's like, this is chevy? current qualified gm lessees can get a sign and drive lease on this chevy cruze limited for around $179 per month. find new roads at your local chevy dealer. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! welcome back, everybody. my next guest is good at tv and even better at films. his new good film is "10 cloverfield lane." please welcome our friend j.j. abrams! ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) j.j.! >> thank you. wow. wow. >> stephen: so nice to see you again. >> great to see you, sir. >> stephen: it's always a pleasure to be with you. you know why i think people like you, other than the fact that you're a damn nice guy? >> what's that, sir? >> stephen: people love hearing stories, and you're like the consummate storyteller. >> that is incredibly kind, and now i'm on the spot. so now i have to-- >> stephen: no, you don't have to-- you don't have to tell a story. >> thank you, thank you. >> stephen: i wouldn't mind knowing and i'm sure people wouldn't mind, do you have a philosophy how you tell stories, though? like, is there somewhere you want to start? do you start with a question? do you start with a mystery? where do you start? >> not really. honestly, every story is a different thing and all you try to do is tell a story that will engage people emotionally. and i think in movies at least, there's a tendency to sometimes go for a visual effects sort of crutch, to sort of rely on spectacle. and i think that-- >> stephen: well, you're very good at that. you're very good at that. a lot of things. >> thank you. >> stephen: not the crutch part-- not the crutch part, but the spectacle, certainly. >> thanks. but anyway... ( laughter ) i think-- oh, my god. what i think is happening-- >> stephen: you like the visual effects? >> it's an amazing place. exactly. i think the key is just to try to tell a story that is as emotionally engaging as possible, despite all the spectacle. >> stephen: now, i understand that-- we spoke about this once before, in front of a live audience for a benefit once, you said that your wife told you to stop with the lens flares. ( laughter ) your wife, katie, said, "that's enough with the lens flares." >> well, i mean, katie's told me to stop with a lot of things. ( laughter ) >> stephen: but this time you listened. >> but lens flares, i was like, okay, i'll stop. she was right. there was one scene in "star trek: into darkness" that you literally couldn't see what was going on. and it was a very important emotional scene. and alice eve, the actress, was somewhere behind this crazy lens flare glaring, and katie just looked at me and said, "okay, i think this is it. i think, at this point you have to absolutely stop doing that." >> stephen: it's like putting on jewelry. put on everything you want before you go out, look in the mirror, and take off one lens flare. >> is that what you do? >> stephen: that's what you do. that's what i do. okay, let's talk about the new movie "10 cloverfield lane." >> yes, sir. >> stephen: this thing, i can't wait to see it, and you snuck up on people with this. this is kind of an amazing thing, is that people did not see this coming, and suddenly j.j. abrams is producing a new movie. >> yes, but this was a movie that was directed by dan trachtenberg. i did not direct the movie. dan did an extraordinary job. it was his first film, which you would never know seeing it. it's a really scary, really weird-- it's a creation concoction. and we purposely doesn't announce it. we didn't talk about it for a year, six months, two months before-- >> stephen: but how do you do that? how do you make a film, like, a big film-- you know, john goodman is a star. you know, you're a star producer with a big studio. it's like beyonce dropping an album on a wednesday afternoon. ( laughter ) >> well, that's how beyonce and i roll. ( laughter ) no, we-- ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: very similar. >> very similar. >> stephen: very similar. it's the hips. ( laughs ) >> what! no, what happened is, it was sort of under the radar. we were working on this movie, it just kind of happened, and we didn't announce the title until january. and the fun was to say-- we wanted to try and make it fun for the audience. so instead of saying, "hey in a year, this movie is coming out," or "six months," we said "in two months this movie will come out," and people seem to be enjoying the surprise of it. >> stephen: well, the people in the movie, the characters, do not seem to be enjoying it at all. we have a clip, we have a clip right now. this is, john goodman has rescued mary elizabeth winstead, and she's trying to escape from an underground bunker that he has kept her in and says, "don't go outside. it's not safe." >> it's what happens when you need someone to save you, but the person who saves you may be insane-- >> stephen: and you don't know. >> and you don't know. and they tell you something is horrifying outside, but you realize it's terrifying inside, and what do you do? and this is what dan trachtenberg directed. >> stephen: and this is what she does. >> give me the keys! >> come on! >> no! don't! no, don't go! no! don't open that door! >> oh, thank god! >> there's a woman-- >> open the door! it's okay. i just-- i want to come inside! >> she looks hurt. she wants me to let her in! >> you can't help her! no one can! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: no, i would never. i would never-- i would go back to john goodman and say, "please forgive me. can i come back in to the bunker again?" no, this is called "10 cloverfield lane." the obvious question is, is this a sequel to "cloverfield?" >> no, it's a-- it's a-- the easiest way to look at it is sort of a "twilight zone" sort of anthology, but there's a connecting idea that we're working on, and if we're lucky enough-- >> stephen: the same world? the same world? >> sort of. but the fun of it is, it's an anthology on the one hand, but there is another narrative that we're playing with that could be fun. >> stephen: there's always another narrative that you're playing with. that's the thing about you, everything is a mystery, everything is a puzzle. is there anything in our interview right now that's a puzzle? people are going, his tie has four stripes-- that's got to mean something. ( laughs ) because you're famous for putting conundra, really difficult puzzles in your work. >> it's not about puzzles. i think it's the fun of something-- when people go to see a movie, you don't want to have seen everything in the trailer. when you're watching the film, you want the audience to be asking questions, you want people to need to know more. and it's not about playing with them, it's about telling a story that is drawing you deeper into it. so, it's not like an approach. it's what a good story does. >> stephen: i like that. ( cheers and applause ) that should be carved into stone and put on the top of mount hollywood someplace. speaking of mount hollywood, you're absolutely standing on the top right now. i just want to say, because we haven't talked publicly since your great success, congratulations on "star wars." >> thank you. ( cheers and applause ) that was an incredible thing to work with that many people and to see everyone working so hard, and then to have it go okay. >> stephen: okay!? okay!? it's the most successful movie of all time! >> but it was really like, i know how much it meant not just to me, of course, but the of to the hundreds and literally thousands of people who worked on that thing. i was so relieved-- >> stephen: and the billions of people-- maybe a billion. maybe a billion people were looking forward to that movie. that's possible, right? possibly? no pressure. >> all i know is -- >> stephen: a billion people. >> for the last month, every day, 100 people would say to me, "how do you deal with the pressure? the pressure must be killing you." every day, and i would get in bed at night and think, i'm going to have a heart attack. this is like, holy crap. and so, just the fact that we survived it, i'm grateful. >> stephen: well, more than survived. congratulations. amazing. ( cheers and applause ) as a fan of you and a fan of "star wars," thank you so much! j.j., i can't wait to see "10 cloverfield lane." it opens this friday. j.j. abrams. we'll be right back. 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