>> jimmy: what's that? >> steve: where's big jimmy? >> jimmy: oh, big jimmy.teve: big jimmy. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: for real! no, it's not! >> questlove: it's of jimmy. >> steve: yeah. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: oh this next one -- dude, this is a mind bender, this one. [ light laughter ] >> steve: more mind bending than the last one? >> jimmy: yeah. this one's fantastic. you guys like "seinfeld"? [ cheers ] who doesn't love "seinfeld"? this a dubstep version of the "seinfeld" theme. [ laughter ] there's seinfeld -- [ laughter ] it's coming out of a flying ship or something. >> steve: with teeth. a flying ship with teeth. >> jimmy: yeah. the artist is called wicked wicked, and the song is called "seinfeld blaster." [ light laughter ] all right? let's take a listen to this one. ♪ [ "seinfeld" theme plays ] [ heavy bass ] ♪ [ laughter ] ♪ >> jimmy: dude, this -- you got this one? >> questlove: i dig this. >> jimmy: oh, really? >> questlove: yes. >> jimmy: dude, this is great. [ seinfeld impression ] how manyab take? [ laughter ] my hands -- my face is melting!

jimmy: knee. >> um -- tickle. >> jimmy: article of clothing. >> sock. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: city. >> detroit. i don't know why. >> jimmy: name a celebrity. >> uh -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: any celebrity. another one. >> yeah. >> jimmy: beyonce. >> beyonce? >> jimmy: of course. beyonce. song lyric. doesn't have to be beyonce. ♪ baby come back >> jimmy: ooh, nice. >> yeah. >> jimmy: profession. >> uh -- um -- uh -- what's the machine on the ice? zamboni. >> jimmy: oh, wow. >> zamboni driver. >> jimmy: zamboni driver. this is awesome. type of event? >> funeral. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: okay. keeping it fun here. adjective. >> hairless. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: type of food! >> sausage. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: exclamation. >> dang! >> jimmy: dang! alright, very good. daaaaaang. okay, alright. now we filled out the words. cue card, all ready to go. now it's time to perform the scene. let's go. >> let's go! [ cheers and applause ] [ sounds of traffic ] [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i'm christian grey. [ laughter ]

>> jimmy: yeah.he show tonight. >> steve: oh! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: he's a stud! plus, he is the writer and director of "la la land" which is nominated for 14 academy awards. wowzers. >> steve: wow. >> jimmy: damien chazelle is dropping in. and i love that movie! [ cheers and applause ] oh. he also did "whiplash" too. he's just a talented guy. oh and we have great -- great music. remember when had pharrell on? >> steve: mm-hm. >> jimmy: not too long ago. and he was talking about this girl that he saw at a master class and he was giving notes. and he had -- these kids were getting up and singing, performing a song? well she got up and performed this song for him. he had no notes. he was like, "whew. who are you? what's going on? this is -- you are fantastic." and now she has like -- i just checked, she has 800 billion hits. >> steve: 800 billion? >> jimmy: yeah. >> steve: that's a lot. >> jimmy: i -- well i -- >> steve: even on the interweb that's a lot. >> jimmy: i'm not wearing my glasse

. >> jimmy: are you? yeah. [ light laughter ] >> we -- we do a lot of that. >> jimmy: yeah, you do a lot of that. [ laughter and applause ] >> that's the first time he's ever touched me, by the way. >> jimmy: that's the first time -- [ laughter ] yeah, i love it. i love that we got that we got it on camera. no because, i will -- can i call you coach? do you mind if i call you coach? >> oh yeah, because i've been called a lot worse than that. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh, very good, yeah -- did you have the best game face out of any coach in the history of the game, anyone, anywhere, any coach, anything. if you -- you intimidate me when i watch you. [ laughter ] right now, i'm a little scared. and i -- [ laughter ] yeah, i mean, you -- you get out there and you just look like you're grumpy and look like you're just mad, and give that death stare, and then you got the head set on and you're like -- that ain't go -- that ain't going to work. something like that, and you go, what is he mad at? the game hasn't ev

>> jimmy: he really is. >> yes. >> jimmy: yeah. go. >> jimmy: oh, i love him. yeah. >> so, this is an 8-pound sloth. >> jimmy: uh huh. >> and he doesn't like to be held, but i've got a 25-pound sloth who loves cuddles. >> woo! >> so this is serenity. [ cheers ] yes! so you can just -- [ laughter ] so, she'll just wrap around you. >> jimmy: what do i do, what do i do? >> there you go. >> jimmy: i don't know. am i good? >> want to feed her a little grape? >> jimmy: okay. all right. here we go. >> well done! she loves grapes. [ cheers and applause ] you know what? i think -- i think it's official. you are the sloth whisperer. you're amazing. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i thought you were going to tell me that you were leaving. i was like, "wait don't." oops. she's starting to eat me. >> there you go. >> jimmy: that's not good. now, what does she think? >> there goes the grape. >> jimmy: does she think i'm a a tree, right now? a talking tree? >> yeah, i think so. she -- i think she really likes you. she really does. and it's amazing -- >> j

>> jimmy: who knows what you're up to. >> i know. >> jimmy: that 10,000-yard stare. >> i know. >> jimmyalso, this is interesting to me, you are the executive producer of show," a new game show that's coming to abc. [ cheers and applause ] >> you remember "the gong show." >> jimmy: of course. >> for those who don't know what it is, back in the '70s and '80s, before i was born -- [ laughter ] because i'm so crazy young. i'm quoting you. >> jimmy: right, right, yeah. >> "the gong show" was kind of like a talent show for people who had a bizarre talent. and what they'd do is have a panel on, and they'd have a panel of comedians, really famous at the time comedians, people like steve martin were on the panel. sometimes if an act was so bad or grating, a member of the panel had the right to get up and grab this huge hammer and hit the gong. disqualify the person from the competition. >> jimmy: right. >> we decided in this age of competition, we have all these shows celebrating mediocre talent, that we should -- [ laughter ] that we should have a show that is that. >> jimmy: a showcase for the

>> hi, jimmy. hi, jimmy.r having me on your television. >> jimmy: betsy -- betsy, the camera's the other way. just turn to your -- yep. [ light laughter ] >> perfect. >> jimmy: welcome to the show. >> i have notes. [ light laughter ] hi. i'm betsy dee-vos. >> jimmy: no. that's actually -- it's devos. >> and i'm very exited -- >> jimmy: excited? excited. >> to be your new secretary of ed-u-cake boss. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: all right, betsy, betsy. betsy, put down the notes, maybe. and let's just talk, okay? now look, i hear you already got some ideas on how to improve schools. is that correct? >> yes. idea number one. no more textbooks, they're too heavy and got too many words. [ light laughter ] from here on out, every school will be switching to a a pamphlet-based education system. take the history pamphlet. [ laughter ] right? it tells how the dinosaurs fought the vikings then went on to form the band "america." which had great hits like "a horse with no name." but i actually know the horse's name. it's cin

and now, just like that, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: hi, hola.'m the host. thank you for watching. thank you for coming. you picked an interesting night to be in our studio audience. for one thing rob lowe is here and he is a psychopath. [ cheers and applause ] i mean, what a beauty,ha beauty are. but we also have animals on the show tonight, wild animals, including a fully grown black bear. this is how we're celebrating black history month, with a bear. [ laughter ] tonight's show is going to be like the comedy version of "the revenant" so stick around. dave salmoni who brought a bear, a fox, an owl, he's going to show you how to cook them all up for your super bowl party. dave unless his in his dressing room right now. [ cheers and applause ] >> you keep making food jokes and the i'll get big animals to see you today. >> jimmy: that one seems big enough to me, that's a raccoon, right? >> that is a raccoon, chewing on apples, getting ready for the show. >> jimmy: did you bring him or was he just in there? >> we have garbage issues in here. >> ji

♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ go jimmy, go jimmy go jimmy ♪ [ cheers and applause ] [ laughter ] >> jimmyow" hashtags. here we go. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ hashtags ooh-wee ooh-wee hashtags ♪ ♪ [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's fantastic. guys, we use twitter on our show every single week. since you watch the show you want to play along with us. you play the game with us. we do this thing, every wednesday. i will send out a hashtag from our show account on twitter and we ask you guys to tweet out things based on that topic. so since the powerball jackpot was $435 million this week, i went on twitter and sent out a a hashtag called if i won the powerball, and asked you guys to tweet out a funny or weird thing you would do if you won the powerball. we got thousands of tweets. within 20 minutes it was a a trending topics in the u.s., so thank you. [ cheers and applause ] before the tweets, i thought i'd share some of my favorite, if i won the powerball tweets from you guys. this first one's from @amandabuys, she said, i'd hire 200 male skydivers to drop from the skies so i could finally say,

i did it, jimmy! jimmy? jimmy, i want to play a person. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy?'d like to thank the academy. i'd like to thank john travolta, j.k. simmons, and all of my students except for matt damon. we're back to work tomorrow night with kobe bryant, chrissy teigen, mash-up monday music from warren and kenny g, and guillermo on the red carpet with the oscar stars. >> hi, i'm very excited. i have a very special surprise today. my tongue cam. that's right. for the first time, we're going to see all the tongue of the celebrities. you want to do the tongue cam? >> i want to do what? >> a tongue cam. >> what's that? >> here. open big. >> ahh! >> all right. good luck tonight. >> tongue cam. tongue cam. that's interesting. yeah, okay. is it white and fuzzy? >> say ahh. >> oh, my god, no, get away from me. >> say ahh! >> jimmy: we'll have more celebrity tongues tomorrow night. until then, thank you for watching. go to sleep already. good night! ♪ >>> this is "nightline." >>> tonight, american nightmare. elite athletes striving for glory, but behind the bright lights a

> jimmy: eye. >> nostril. >> jimmy: eyebrow. >> hair. >> jimmy: teeth. >> tongue. >> jimmy: trip. >>n that one. i'm sorry. [ buzzer ] nasal hair! nasal hair! whew! tasty. i don't know -- >> mmm. >> jimmy: doesn't taste too bad. all right, good. tie game. >> okay. >> jimmy: here we go. ready? >> yep. >> jimmy: earring. >> lick. >> jimmy: dog. >> nose. >> jimmy: tulip. >> fantasy. >> jimmy: island. >> nincompoop. [ light laughter ] sorry -- >> jimmy: i think we're going back in time here. really. [ buzzer ] it's the odd -- i've never heard the word nincompoop before. >> it's a broken record. >> jimmy: and i blanked on that one because you made me think of -- okay. here we go. >> okay. >> jimmy: you look so pretty. [ laughter ] >> thank you. >> jimmy: [ slurring ] you're a a very pretty girl. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: ready? the game. >> correct. >> jimmy: here we go. ready? um -- bored. >> correct. >> jimmy: chess. >> mind. >> jimmy: elastic. >> grenade. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: ah -- gosh, i just blanked. sorry guys. [ applause ] >> do i win? >> jimmy: you're the champ right there! rosamun

welcome. >> i love you, jimmy! >> jimmy: i love you, too.e you, too, yeah. [ cheers ] i love everybody. guys, but love is in the air because tomorrow is valentine's day. >> steve: yeah. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: tomorrow is valentine's day, which means in 24 hours, guys all across the country will be telling their loved ones, "i thought you said we weren't doing gifts this year? [ laughter and applause ] but, you said that." just always get a gift. just always -- yeah, yeah, oh. actually i read that one of the more popular valentine's day gifts this year is gym memberships. [ audience oohs ] >> steve: oh, gosh. >> jimmy: what better way to say, "i love you" than by saying, "you're fat and i want you out of the house"? >> steve: aw. >> jimmy: it's like, thank you very much. appreciate that. [ applause ] the grammys were last night. did you watch the grammys? anybody? [ cheers and applause ] it was great. adele -- adele was the big winner. but -- yeah. [ cheers ] but get this. after winning for best album, adele said she thought beyonc

yeah. >> jimmy: yeah. >> yep. >> jimmy: the third one. >> the third one. >> jimmy: that's right. >> butcks on top of them. >> jimmy: he really does his own stunts. >> he really does. he does a lot of his own stunts. and so then because he did i got to do a lot of my own stunts, jumping out of like burning buildings. like, has a backpack on top of them. >> jimmy: how does that work? >> you just -- he's like, "you want to do this?" i'm like, "yeah. yeah, i guess so." [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: that's what tom cruise does. he's that cool, it's like, you want to do this. >> yeah, he's like, "you want to do this?" i'm like, "yes." >> jimmy: just get on my back. let's jump out of this burning building. [ laughter ] and you just do it and -- >> yeah. and he's like, "if your hair catches on fire, just shake it out. just shake it out." i was like, "yes, okay." here we go. here we go. >> jimmy: no one would ever say that. if your hair catches on fire -- >> and i -- i watched it. and that's what he does. he lands and we jump out of this giant burning building. he lands on top of this van and he'

and now stay put, here's jimmy >> jimmy: hi, everybody, i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show, thank you for watching, thank you for coming. i appreciate it. we have so much to get to. there is so much going on in the world right now. not just in the world, there's a lot going on in the universe. got some very good news today. for those of you who are looking to get off the planet. anybody ready to go? astronomers at the carnegie institution is discovered more than a hundred potential planets that may be habitable. which means we're one step closer to finding a planet with intelligent life. [ laughter ] it's exciting. especially, for members of the scientific community, this is on the level of like a woman brushing up against them on the subway exciting. this might not be the best time to make contact with aliens. they say, take us to your leader. what do we do at that time? our leader's a little busy on twitter right now. how about we take you to oprah? she's nice, you'll like her. what a day it was in washington today. [ cheers and applause ] i know that many of you in our audience are

>> jimmy: eep. >> m! m! m! >> jimmy: eep. >> m! >> jimmy: eep. >> m! >> jimmy: rib. >> no!e on! that's impossible! m. night. oh, my goodness! [ applause ] i couldn't even come close to that. >> abe. m. abe, m. >> jimmy: yeah, that was close. yeah. >> i get it. abe lincoln. >> jimmy: well, look, since it was a -- a tie we're going to give you the win on this. and we have a little -- >> that's very generous. >> jimmy: surprise for you as a a reward. >> oh. >> jimmy: you talked about how brutal the wolverine diet has been for the past 17 years. non-stop workouts, steamed chicken breasts. well, since the final wolverine movie is coming out next week, it's time for wolverine to break his fast. and we got some help from one of the greatest chefs on the planet. mario batali, ladies and gentlemen! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> oh! oh! >> jimmy: what's up, doggy dog? what's up, doggy dog? >> i like it. >> thank you so much, buddy. [ applause ] >> that is the greatest frickin' thing i've ever seen in my life. >> jimmy: what's up, brother? >> yes! >> jimmy: there you go, yeah. a little

>> jimmy: get this. survey of historians just ranked james buchanan as the worst president ever. [ light laughter ] then after yesterday, buchanan said, "i think you guys need to click your refresh button." [ laughter and applause ] >> steve: hey-oh! >> jimmy: a new challenger has emerged. yeah. people are still talking about president trump's wild press conference yesterday. in fact, the "new york times" called it "77 chaotic minutes." [ light laughter ] it's not good when your first press conference gets the same review as "john wick 2." [ laughter and applause ] 77 chaotic minutes. but this morning, trump's chief of staff, reince priebus, did an interview on "fox and friends," where he said trump did amazing in the press conference. [ light laughter ] then from off camera, someone shouted, "and tell them how sexy i looked." [ laughter and applause ] "and he looked really sexy." but you knew it wouldn't be long before there was another big trump story that got people talking. take a look at this. >> th

>> jimmy, jimmy kimmel, what are you doing out here? >> jimmy: my mom got me this camera, i figured i'd get a few shots. >> don't you have the "after the oscars" special tonight? >> jimmy: yeah, but -- did you get a gift basket? what was in that gift basket? can i get some of that nourishing lotion? can i get some of those soaps? yo, chris. did leta rock it tonight? chris, who are you wearing? chris! i didn't find out who you're wearing! i need to know who you're wearing! >> dicky: from hollywood -- it's "jimmy kimmel live after the oscars"! tonight - ben affleck, tracy morgan, henry cavill, jesse isenberg, j.k. simmons, will arnett, nathan lane, matthew broderick, mike tyson, and less. plus we go live to the governors ball. with cleto and the cletones. and now -- lights, camera, action - here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you. i was not expecting it. thank you. i'm jimmy. thanks for watching. thanks for staying up. i know it's late for a sunday night but welcome to our 11th annual after the oscars special. t

jimmy?we can't do that either. >> steve: human -- >> jimmy: i'm sorry. i got that from gordon. >> steve: human or animal? >> jimmy: no i got that from -- what? >> steve: human or animal. [ laughter ] [ buzzer ] you're wrong. quest, do you know the secret ingredient is? you can win this round quest. >> questlove: yeah. i think it's called, i quit. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no, no, no. you got to play the round. [ buzzer ] you got to play. >> steve: no, let's go to round two. >> jimmy: what was it? >> steve: it was a -- it was cool ranch doritos. >> oh. >> steve: cool ranch doritos. >> quest: no. >> jimmy: that was just so -- >> that was disgusting. >> steve: how could that be disgusting? >> that is -- you have destroyed. >> steve: all right. well let's try it again. cleanse your palate with a a glass of wine. for your next course our chef has prepared for you a a amuse-bouche. a foie with fermented large grain mustard and raw french vinegar bu --. >> jimmy: what? >> steve: foie. foie. >> jimmy:

>> jimmy: oh, no. >> ahh! >> jimmy: yessireebob! >> ahh!don't understand. what is this game again? how many raw ones? >> this is the best game in the world. >> steve: three raw left. three-sevenths of the egg. >> jimmy: that one's sticking out. >> yeah, it's just poking out at you. >> jimmy: i'm not looking -- i'm not touching that one. >> steve: humpty dumpty. >> jimmy: humpty dumpty. hey, man, good to see you and congrats -- >> thank you. >> jimmy: --on the netflix series and the magic show as well. >> thank you, sir. >> jimmy: and i can't wait to see it. going to be really great. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ i'm in the zone, auto zone. >> i like that. >> jimmy: i'm in the zone, man. ♪ auto zone [ light laughter ] >> steve: 50/50. >> you land with a compliment and then there's this -- [ talking over each other ] >> jimmy: i delivered on that one. >> i'm going with a little humpty dumpty cowboy. >> steve: ahh! [ audience gasps ] >> you are a very handsome man. >> jimmy: regretting -- i appreciate it. >> i like your show. >> jimmy: thank you v

>> jimmy: yeah. to? >> um -- well, when i was growing up in toronto, we had a a great public library. and when i was a kid -- i guess i was, like, 15, 16? i would go to the library and i would get albums and listen to comedy records. >> jimmy: really? >> yeah. >> jimmy: at the library? >> yeah, like lenny bruce. and richard pryor. >> jimmy: yeah, you wouldn't ever -- you wouldn't have them at the house? or just -- >> no, i was 16, man. i wasn't going to the store. can i get the -- no i -- i had read about them. heard about them. and just had a curiosity. and i would, you know -- i didn't have a lot of money back then. >> jimmy: no, of course. i mean, the library is the best. >> i had to go the library and listen to them. >> jimmy: i'm trying to figure out if i used to take out records at the library. but i remember going there. i mean -- >> i would go there and listen to them. >> jimmy: yeah. >> and then when i was a kid, then when i got older, there was a great comedy club called the comedy store an

best, jimmy.p's first days in office, there was this. president trump declares war on "blank." mexico, immigrants, women, scientists, the gop itself, journalists. a dizzying attack on a a cross-section of people and his executive actions of his first days emphasize division and disruption. americans have a right to be scared. i, too, have grave concerns. but i ask you to consider this. on january 20th, so many americans came out to washington, d.c., to witness the inauguration of our 45th president. and the next day a sea of people participated in the women's march on washington. instead of comparing the numbers between the two days or any other days, for that matter, if you combine the numbers, it would give you an idea of how many americans are actually participating in our democratic system. whether in support of trump, or in protest. and to have an elective active, is not nothing. in the days and months ahead, we americans will have our struggles. some more than others. but in the fatigue, or

>> jimmy: how am i >> jimmy: fine. >> because this is a big moment. >> jimmy: yeah, i know.e it. let's meet her. >> okay. but first -- let's take a moment to look back at some of the amazing women from this season of "the bachelor." >> jimmy: we don't really meet -- ♪ ♪ >> take your time. >> jimmy: i -- well -- i don't really need time. we know what they look like. we've seen them on the show. so i think what we should just do is go ahead right now. >> jimmy? >> jimmy: yeah? >> how does it feel to be the one to introduce america to the next bachelorette? it. >> feels good, can we please introduce her now? feels really good, i'm honored, thank you. >> only if your heart is ready for this journey. jimmy, look at me. is your heart ready for this journey? >> jimmy: yes. my heart's ready for the journey. all of our hearts are ready for the journey. [ cheers and applause ] [ laughter ] is he mad or something? [ cheers and applause ] >> ladies and gentlemen -- jimmy, when you're ready. >> jimmy: i'm ready! we're all ready! we're very, very ready! [ cheers and applause ] i'm really

jimmy." >> jimmy: "by jimmy," i like that, "by jimmy." >> no, not by jimmy.ry, he's gone. >> jimmy: thank you so much, oprah. oprah winfrey. thank you so much. >> mwah! >> jimmy: watch the own network, it's in repeats. we'll be right back. >> well mart gave one receipt to award-winning directors and they created short unique films. see the premiere this sunday on the 89th oscars! jimmy's hosting! >> i'm curious to see what they're making. >> mine's going to be the best. >> this is a competition, right? >> yeah. >> we win a walmart, right? >> walmart reached out to four award-winning directors, gave them a receipt, and said, tell a story. >> you've given a receipt with six items. >> the receipt becomes the clue. >> we wanted to embrace the randomness instead of fight against it. >> i'm curious to see what they're making. >> mine's going to be the best. >> i assume we'll look at theirs. >> this is a competition, right? >> yeah, we win a walmart, right? ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ pay stubs and bank statements to refinance your home. w2s, or you could push that button. [dong] [ro

jimmy: seriously, yeah. >> all of you. >> jimmy: man. >> yeah, can you -- >> jimmy: that came out wrong as far as -- we've been here shot -- >> yeah, yeah, yeah. red room. >> jimmy: they're all great. they're all great rooms. >> they're all great rooms. well -- see, okay. let's move on. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: how is mom doing? how's your mom. >> grandma's good. she's good. she's already gone. she left after christmas. >> jimmy: did she really? >> she's like, bye. see you people. yeah. >> jimmy: what was it like having your -- your mother there? >> couldn't have done this without her. i mean -- look. i know mom is watching, because she's like, you're going to be on jimmy fallon? what time. so hey, grandma -- mom. >> jimmy: hi grandma. >> but i couldn't have done this without you, mom. you are my role model. you are an amazing woman even though you don't think you had anything to do with me. she always says that, it's like, you raised yourself. and i was like, i did not. it was you. and dad. but just having that multi-generational existence kept us all grounded because mom doesn't r

>> jimmy: oh, man!ost out of life doesn't just mean being there when things go wrong. it's about being here... in all of life's moments. when things go perfectly... right. ♪ sir? you give me that salad and i will pay for your movie and one snack box. can i keep the walnuts? yes. but i get to pick your movie. can i pick the genre? nope. with the blue cash everyday card you get cash back on purchases with no annual fee. backed by the service and security of american express. and now we unleash it onwerfuls your taxes.pecies has created. hello my name is watson. yep. h&r block and ibm watson together. creating a future of more money going back into the pockets of more families. welcome to taxes won. h&r block with watson. come see us and get your taxes won. you may be muddling through allergies.oned with... try zyrtec® for powerful allergy relief. and zyrtec® is different than claritin®. because it starts working faster on the first day you take it. try zyrtec®. muddle no more®. ♪ ♪ so tasty. but when we b

>> jimmy: you got a racehorse? >> yes. >> jimmy: yeah!s the same dude! >> you know what? >> jimmy: he tricked me, too. some guy is like, "do you want to own a racehorse?" i go, "yeah!" of course i'd want to -- everyone wants to own a a racehorse. >> he took me out there and it was running fast by itself. everything's got a little -- >> yeah! [ laughter ] they put him beside the other 9 horses. he ran slow. >> jimmy: yeah! [ laughter ] he was like this, standing in the corner smoking. [ laughter ] you can't smoke! a smoking horse! >> oh, man. >> jimmy: do you remember the name of it? >> no. we came in last. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that might be the name of it. "we came in last." >> i don't never want to invest in a horse again after that. >> jimmy: i thought i could name the horse. so i was, like, because i invested. i go, "great, you're going to be sea warrior." i was going to talk to him. "you're going to win the kentucky derby. you go all the way." they go, "you can't name the horse. the horse already has a name." i go, "oh. what's the h

jimmy? >> jimmy: no. forgot my letter. >> where did he go? >> jimmy? >> how did he do that? of the day. >> oh, all right. what is it? >> the anticipation is killing me. >> what is it, what is it? >> jimmy: i know you've all heard of letters like "a," "b" and of course "c." but our alert of the day is yuke. >> what did you say? >> jimmy: it's yuke! >> excuse me, jimothy, but i do not believe yuke is a letter. >> jimmy: yes, it is a letter, i made it up. look, it's right here. yuke! >> elmo, me think he crazy. >> jimmy: me not crazy, you guys are crazy. you've been singing about the same 26 letters for 47 years. do you know how many times "t" has been the letter of the day? 648 times. >> that's about right. >> jimmy: so i made up a new one. it's yuke. >> okay, okay, mr. jimmy, are there any words that start with the letter yuke? >> jimmy: words that start -- yeah. >> yeah? >> jimmy: there's yukon. and ukulele. >> but that's not -- >> jimmy: that's all of them but -- oh, and cookie, you could use it in your song. joets yuke is for yukie it's good enough ♪ >> need to get back to

on jimmy kimmel live, zach galifianak >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight, zach galifianakis, from "the history of comedy," sean hayes and music from norah jones. and now, simply put -- here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: very nice. thank you. welcome to the show. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of it. we're now less than a week away from vishlt's day. are you ready for vishlt's day? you're not, i guess? make no mistake about it. valentine's day is a test. it's a test of your commitment, your preparedness, a test of whether you love someone enough to waste $100 on flowers that any other day of the yes, sir would cost you $30. there's no more brazen lie than "don't get me anything this year." even if you believe it, deep down, you don't believe it. even if you don't spend a dollar for valentine's day, you have to do something. here's a tip. if you don't have money this year, you don't need money. go to the store and steal something. [ laughter ] that's right. show her that you're willing to go to prison just to winner on love or his love

♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hello, welcome to the show. i'm jimmy, i'm the host.to all of you for coming. that's very nice. i'm glad you're here. how many of you in our studio audience tonight are visiting us from the east coast? this is a good time for me to tell your families these people are never coming back. 73 degrees and sunny here in l.a. today. [ cheers and applause ] don't rub it in because there's a massive winter storm, winter storm nico is blanketing the northeast, as if a warm comforter is being gently placed over the region. it's not. thousands of flights have been canceled. schools are closed an ice princess is trapped in a tower, her name is melania. [ laughter and applause ] but i will say, it can be uncomfortable, it can be problematic. my grandmother always used to say, when life hands you snow make snow lemonade. just don't drink it because it's pee. this is a live report from fox 29 in philadelphia which should give you a sense of how the cold affects public transportation and the drivers who keep the public transported. >> we've been waiting

>> jimmy: yeah.ure right now. [ laughter ] and listen to the actual future. >> steve: the actual future. >> jimmy: you can listen to the present future. you can give "future" as a a present. [ laughter ] on itunes. and then you got the present and the future. >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: all you need to figure out is the past. >> steve: the past. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: guys, as most people know president trump has continued to accuse various media outlets on reporting fake news. well, earlier today he came up with a plan to help solve what he believes is a big problem, and he talked about it from the oval office. in case you missed it -- what? in case you missed it? >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: he -- he's streaming -- >> steve: he's streaming? >> jimmy: he live streamed from the oval office. >> steve: and we have it? >> jimmy: "the tonight show" got it. i don't know how we got it first. >> steve: oh my gosh. [ laughter ] that's fantastic. how do we get all of these scoops? >> jimmy: here it is right here.