trump was like pussy grabbing, billy was like, "what..." he's living on an ice flow fighting polar bear for fish. donald trump is the bus. so, paul ryan, i hope you've got good health care. ( laughter ) because that bus is coming. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ nature made it delicious. we made it a snack. chobani flip. ♪ ♪ heigh ho ♪ heigh ho ♪ heigh ho heigh ho it's off to work we go here's to all of you early risers, what's up man? go-getters, and should-be sleepers. from all of us at delta, because the ones who truly change the world, are the ones who can't wait to get out in it. because the ones who truly change the world, where plans start at onlycricket $30/month. and more 4g lte coverage than t-mobile or sprint. plus, when you switch now you can get a brand new smartphone for free. cricket wireless. something to smile about. >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." it's time to check in on news from the tech world with ronny chang in today's future now. ♪ ♪ >> thanks, trevor. got a lot of stupid tech (bleep) to s

trump was like pussy grabbing, billy was like, "what..." he's living on an ice flow fighting polar bear for fish. donald trump is the bus. so, paul ryan, i hope you've got good health care. ( laughter ) because that bus is coming. we'll be right back. ( chrs and applause ) ♪ nature made it delicious. we made it a snack. chobani flip. ♪ ♪ heigh ho ♪ heigh ho ♪ heigh ho heigh ho it's off to work we go here's to all of you early risers, what's up man? go-getters, and should-be sleepers. from all of us at delta, because the ones who truly change the world, are the ones who can't wait to get out in it. because the ones who truly change the world, where plans start at onlycricket $30/month. and more 4g lte coverage than t-mobile or sprint. plus, when you switch now you can get a brand new smartphone for free. cricket wireless. something to smile about. >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." it's time to check in on news from the tech world with ronny chang in today's future now. ♪ ♪ >> thanks, trevor. got a lot of stupid tech (bleep) to sha

trump was like pussy grabbing, billy was like, "what..." he's living on an ice flow fighting polar br for fish. donald trump is the bus. so, paul ryan, i hope you've got good health care. ( laughter ) because that bus is coming. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause )ñ listerine® kills 99% of bad breath germs for a 100% fresh mouth. feeling 100% means you feel bold enough to... ...assist a magician... ...or dance. listerine®. bring out the bold™ today, unlimited gets the network it deserves. verizon. (mic thuds) uh, sorry. it's unlimited without compromising reliability, on the largest, most advanced 4g lte network in america. (thud) uh... sorry, last thing. it's just $45 per line. forty. five. (cheering and applause) and that is all the microphones that i have. (vo) unlimited on verizon. 4 lines, just $45 per line. wow, it's beautiful, but i think it's way too big. that's what she said. (laughter) i doubt she's ever said that to you. snap into a slim jim. my quest for hydration thawas finally over.hydrowash, was it a mistake to use m

what did you want to do in this story, which is called pussy?hat trump won the election, that astonishing night, i went to sleep thinking he'd lost, as i've done on several other occasions that year. i woke up in the middle of the night with a goblin sitting on my chest, unable to breathe and i realised what had happened. the following morning ijust began a fairy story. you can only tell it as a fairy story. to my mind, you can't do this as real. a traditional fairy story? a kind of grimm's fairy story, a ferocious fairy story about this character called fracassus and about his birth and how he is destined to run the free world. what is fascinating about him is that he has no words, this is a person with no words. that's the phenomena that we're seeing over there at the moment. how can a person thrive, how can a person be listened to, believe he has the right to govern, but worst of all, how can he be elected when he has no language? language is what we know, we who read and write, language is the way you think, the way you think yourself out of

grab them by the pussy.ng. >> how would melania trump respond? ts, like paperless, multi-car, and safe driver, that help them save on their car insurance. any questions? -yeah. -how do you go to ththroom? great. any insunce-reted questions? -mm-hmm. -do you have a girlfriend? uh, i'm actually focusing on my career right now, saving people nearly $600 when they switch, so... where's your belly button? [ sighs ] i've got to start booking better gigs. with 9 lobster dishes.est is back try succulent new lobster mix & match or see how sweet a lobster lover's dream can be. there's something for everyone and everyone's invited. so come in soon. >> he will fight for you and our country. >> on the campaign trail, melania trump was more often seen than heard, but when she spoke, she never wavered in her public support. >> he has a great heart and he is tough and smart. >> even early on when donald trump referred to mexican immigrants as rapists and drug dealers, she had his back. >> he's not racist and not anti-immigr

[ bleep ] [ bleep ]. >> [ bleep ] penis, vagina, pussy. >> you [ bleep ]. mother [ bleep ]. mother [ bleep ]. [ bleep ]. >> [ bleep ], [ bleep ], mother [ bleep ], [ bleep ], i had [ bleep ], i think. >> tits [ bleep ] [ bleep ] [ bleep ] mother [ bleep ] oh, my god! >>> remember when comedy meant males doing jokes about females like wives and mothers-in-law. well, the tables have turned. >> the idea that chicks aren't funny, i hate to tell you, it's still very much a thing. >> there are some people that can't get their heads around what they don't know. >> i said i wanted to be a comedian. she said, or maybe it's better if you just die. >> i think they thought of women as a different species. >> very few ladies are capable of being comedian. >> so everybody is like, here's somebody who thinks she can do it. >> this is a great argument that women are doing much better work than men.

grab them by the pussy. [ laughter ] you can do anything. >> reporter: and the question -- how wouldrt's in use bros, wait your turn. what are you guys up to? people love progressive's name your price tool so much it's hard to get their attention. that's where moves like this come in... [ grunts ] we give people options based on their budget with our name your price tool. what does an incredibly awkward between the legs dribble do? what's the matter flo? scared you can't keep up? jaime! swing a wide paint, hollow scoop on three. [ screams ] guess i have more jump than i thought. progressive's name your price tool. you don't have to be able to dunk to use it, but it helps. whew, gravity? for us, it's rocky mountain water...n. ...or nothing. coors banquet. that's how it's done. what are you doing? getting your quarter back. fountains don't earn interest, david. you know i work at ally. i was being romantic. you know what i find romantic? a robust annual percentage yield that's what i find romantic. this is literally throwing your money away. i think it's over there. that way? yeah, a l

>> bruce: i think you've got to make at least a little effort to be -- to not be a pussy.ough, i don't think you can just -- >> anthony: can't be a pussy or at least you're making an effort. >> bruce: make a little effort, just not roll over and -- >> anthony: right. the following ad for your viewing convenience. so i just switched to geico. what took you so long? i know, i saved a ton of money on car insurance. that's what i'm talking about! geico also gives you 24/7 access to licensed agents! booooyah. good game, you really crushed it. no son, geico crushed it. ♪ ♪ my belly pain i could build a small city with all the over-the-counter products i've used. enough! i've tried enough laxatives to cover the eastern seaboard. i've climbed a mount everest of fiber. probiotics? enough! (avo) if you've had enough, tell your doctor what you've tried and how long you've been at it. linzess works differently from laxatives. linzess treats adults with ibs with constipation or chronic constipation. it can help relieve your belly pain, and lets you have more frequent and complete bowel

paul ryan turned into such a pussy i'm surprised trump hasn't grabbed him yet. >> i was flying to o'harend she said you picked the wrong night to give up beer. >> trevor: even his wife knows it! this is one year paul ryan doesn't need to stress about lent. i bet jesus was even, like, you don't have to give up drinking, you gave up your spine, now stay down you little bitch -- my child. ( applause ) i would like to spend the show talking about how paul ryan has been so bitchin'ed by trump he can no longer fake his emotions. there is so much news we have to handle it in another installment of "ain't nobody got time for that." ( cheers and applause ) all right, let's get straight into it. remember how donald trump and ivanka promised they wouldn't turn the white house into a mom and pop store? no nepotism, remember that? well, clearly they don't. >> breaking news, first daughter ivanka trump taking on initial role in the white house. >> ivanka a new title in the white house, despite her assertion last year that she wouldn't be joining her father's team. >> people think you will be part of t

and we don't need to be pussy footing around with it. we need to write the code that needs to be written. >> big tax cuts not around the margins tax cuts you're saying. >> no, big tax cuts and doing that, cutting the size of government. i've talked about this in my book. we've got to get back to a constitutional republic. our problem is the fact that we have have shredded the constitution and we've got this bloated federal government and cutting taxes is one way of getting the government down to a constitutional level. >> all right, tom delay, very good seeing you. thank you, very, very much. there are a lot of divisions within that and we'll explore that later on and the fallout how the markets will adjust. in the meantime i want to take you to providence, rhode island again, i don't know if they're doing it for the gipper or a message you're okay with us, but make america great rally on. this was planned prior to this health care debacle and a lot of these folks don't seem to care that it fell apart and some are relieved that it did, b

the extra p is for pussy. ( laughter ) let's be honest, this whole story is such b.s.st of all, no one needs to spy on donald trump. you can just follow him on twitter. i wonder what his -- oh, there he told us what he's doing. secondly, he's a proven troll. we're not going to waste our lives trying to disprove obama birth certificate part two and definitely not before the president offers a shred of evidence. what we will do, however, enjoy this tangerine rollercoaster and the ride it takes us on. so let's start with where trump got the idea. ( laughter ) ( applause ) the same place most bad ideas come from -- the internet. >> the president provided no evidence that, during the campaign, the obama administration had him wire tapped, but he appears to have picked up the idea from the conservative web site breitbart news. >> trevor: oh, that's comforting. the president gets his news from a right wing conspiracy web site. quick question, how can you be a conspiracy theoriest when you are the president? you are the person with access to all the information. people make co

>> i'm grabbing pussy. >> no, no, no! bad touch, bad touch, trump, bad touch. as we lost, as much as we lost, trump knew that mining the kohlhepp, that is how you win the look torral college. because i don't know if you remember but hillary clinton also got a chance to win over kohlhepp voters. but instead, she did this. >> i'm the only candidate which has a policy about how to bring economic opportunity using clean renewable energy as the key into kohlhepp country. because we're going to put a lot of kohlhepp miners and kohlhepp companies out of business. right, tim? >> trevor: she didn't mime it but she was also digging a hole. in factk you can see in that moment she was thinking oh, that reminded me, i got to go buy hiking boots to go live in the forest. so trump's message of not having said that really resonated with swing state voters. and yesterday as president, he repaid their faith in him. >> president trump rolls back the obama legacy of combating climate change. >> the president's executive order scraps six obama era actions in tackling climate change

here's to the safecracker, the pussy grabber. hip-hip hooray." you came through, you came through."o, obviously, all the republicans were loving gorsuch, but there was one guy who was in love. >> you take a poor little kid, you find a sheet, and you attach the one to the other. his best shot at that age-- we're talking in his 70s, late 70s-- was from the free-throw line, back up over his head, like that. and he could hit it pretty regularly. i tell my kids hold on monkey style, really get in there, get around it. if you sit up right, go flying right off, right? >> trevor: wow. ( laughter ) i haven't seen ted cruz that giddy since that one time he got a linkedin request. "see, somebody likes me." ( laughter ) look at that smile, huh. that's a man who is reconsidering same-sex unions. if gay marriage is wrong, i don't want to be right." and you know what? it's not hard to see why ted cruz fell so hard for gorsuch. i mean, not only is the man handsome, athletic, and a living symbol of a historic republican power grab. he also speaks like he's starring in every action movie ever. >> nob

you can grab their robot pussy. >> trevor: for now, robot rights are coming up.a rich person-- because you have made a lot of money-- shouldn't you be a republican? wouldn't you want your taxes cut? you want more money so you can buy things? >> i don't think there's anything to buy. i feel like once you have a house and you can pay for your kids to go to school, there's nothing really to get. when i first made some money from the "40-year-old virgin" i lease aid porsche. it was a three-year lease, and i got it. i'm like,"i deserve a porsche. i make people happy." and i took it on the road and it drove like crap unless you're driving worn 45 miles per hour. so i got scared of it and left it in the driveway for three years because i realized money doesn't make you happy. it's free things that make you happy. things that are free make you happy. you ever been driving and someone is right up on your butt and tailgating you, so you slow down, you kind of block them in so they can't get by you. that was better than having the porsche. ( laughter ) ( applause ). >> trev

and when you're a star, they let you do it, grab 'em by the pussy.tephen: that's the wrong. audio, jimmy! come on! wow! wow! wow, what an unforseen technical blunder that our editing department spent an hour making this afternoon. i am so, so, sorry. i'm sorry. here is. ( cheers and applause ) here's the actual footage, the president praising women's unique capabilities. >> to be honest, whether you're a woman or whether you're a man, you have that same dream. you want to be able to dream. you just have a big advantage over us. you know why? right there. heh-heh. >> stephen: heh-heh. yeah, women are just so much smarter than men. i don't know why we didn't elect one president. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ we've got a great show for you tonight. luke bryan and dierks bentley are here. they're going to play. but when we return, i'm over there talking about robots and monster trucks. stick around. then shielding lubrication. and cooling. brrr. with lubrication before and after the blades. shields and cools while you shave. proshield chill from gillette.

. >> he said, "grab them by the pussy." >> stephen: he said that was just locker room talk. oh! oh! oh, my preexisting condition! do you think it will be covered? >> we will know when the replacement comes! >> stephen: when will it come? >> perhaps today. >> stephen: or tomorrow. dee dee? >> yes, godot? >> stephen: shall we go to canada? >> yes, let's go. ( laughter ) >> stephen: so are we going to go, or what? >> oh, yeah, right. sorry. number one, two to beam up. ( cheers and applause ) >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, stephen welcomes patrick stewart. chris colfer. and roy wood, jr. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! >> stephen: what's up? hey, chris! what's up, matt? ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> stephen: thank you very much. thanks so much. welcome to "the late show"." i'm stephen colbert. big, really big night, big night last night for donald trump, or, or whoever knav gave that speec. ( laughter ) because it really seemed like a different donald trump was giving

. >> grab them by the pussy. can do anything. >> this was a campaign full of bombshells and full of moments where everyone's head was spinning and the internet was falling off its kpaxis. this is a moment when the world stopped and everyone said it's over. the campaign is over. the world waited. and wondered how melania trump would respond. issued a short statement the next day calling her husband's word unacceptable and offensive, but also said he has the heart and mind of a leader. ten days after the tapes came out, she broke her silence on national television. >> i was surprised because that is not the man that i know. and he was lead on like add on from the host to say dirty and bad stuff. he apologized. i accept his apology. i hope the american people will accept it well. that's not the sexual assault. he didn't say he did it. >> she did what she had to do. she defended him. it was a critical moment in the campaign. >> she steadied herself and then she went forward and spoke for him. i think that made a huge

many dirty jokes so you can't do cliched [ bleep ] joke that everybody has heard before, cliche big pussy and new that nobody's ever talked about before. >> most women won't let their husbands watch when they're going through a miscarriage. i sat my husband down in front of me while i sat on the toilet and i was like, you look! you watch the whole thing! he felt so bad for me. i used it as leverage and held that [ bleep ] over his head for a month and got him to do whatever the [ bleep ] i wanted him to do for 30 days. he took me to see beyonce. he bought me a bike off of craigslist. that's my miscarriage bike and i love it very much. for 30 days i finally had the marriage i always wanted. >> if you're filthy, the lower you go the funnier you better be and i'll go with you. there's filth i absolutely adore. but if it's just all you have, then you shouldn't be here. >> girls grow up so fast. it's like they don't have childhoods anymore. they're sexualized so early, you know? a girlfriend of mine has a little baby girl and i babysat her. i changed her diaper. totally shaved. 6 months old. >

well, if somebody is calling you a racist, you can't kind of pussy foot around it. you can't start saying, you know, some of my best friends -- i ain't gonna do it. you can't, you know, prove a negative. and you're going to be blown away because politics takes place in seconds. it's like a nine-second sound bite maybe. and it's completely emotional. i mean, there are lots of wonks in the political arena, but they're not, they don't make the difference. it's emotional. the democrats are all about emotion, they're all about stirring it up with their moral be indictments. you have to fight fire with fire there's a chapter of this book i've written called the achilles heel of the democratic party, and it is this: it is that the democrats control every inner city in america of any size 100%, and they have for 50-100 years. every killing field -- chicago, detroit, baltimore, new orleans, st. louis -- every failed school system that year in and year out for ten years, for twenty years fails the poor black -- mainly black and hispanic children, but now also somalis and ther

they weren't trying to hurt each other, it was more -- i don't know, what's the right word to say, pussy-footinground? >> that's an option. >> well, that's what they were doing. >> another inmate says he knows exactly who started the fight. >> if you can have a seat on the bench out in the hallway. >> aldon alexander is josh franklin's cell mate. >> elmore got up in his face, you know. and pushed him. elmore pushed him. >> okay. elmore pushing? >> yeah. >> both men will soon have hearings to determine how much time, if any, they will get in disciplinary segregation. as harsh a housing situation as any we've ever seen. >> from my personal perspective i feel i should be found not guilty. but -- only god knows right now, you know? >> i mean, this is jail. people lie. it's one thing, it's filled with liars and it's filled with thieves. i don't believe almost in anything anybody tells me in here. >> who really started the fight? >> he started the fight. he started the entire thing. >> but elmore has a reputation for fight. he's serving a one-year sentence for assault on a police officer. >> when you

. >> officer donuts, go back in your squad car and go save a kitten from a tree because these pussieso good. you cannot ignore them anymore. >> these women are so good. you cannot ignore them anymore. >> you want to stay with the best you've ever had. >> no, that's a creepy guy. >> best sex you've ever had guy is in jail, you know what i mean? >> yeah, but i've been thinking about maybe reaching out to him. >> there's a lot of creative freedom. there's a lot embracing of diversity, stories that haven't been told before. i think it's a great time to be a woman. >> what are those? >> stop it. my spanx, hold everything together. >> what's going to come popping out? dearthere's no other way to say this. it's over. i've found a permanent escape from monotony. together, we are perfectly balanced. our senses awake. our hearts racing as one. i know this is sudden, but they say...if you love something set it free. see you around, giulia it'that can make a worldces, of difference. expedia, everything in one place, so you can travel the world better. now, lash like a boss! new big shot mascara f

. >> officer donuts, go back in your squad car and go save a kitten from a tree because these pussiesare so good. you cannot ignore them anymore. >> you want to stay with the best you've ever had. >> no, that's a creepy guy. >> best sex you've ever had guy is in jail, you know what i mean? >> yeah, but i've been thinking about maybe reaching out to him. >> there's a lot of creative freedom. there's a lot embracing of diversity, stories that haven't been told before. i think it's a great time to be a woman. >> what are those? >> stop it. my spanx, hold everything together. >> what's going to come popping out? or a tv show? sous chef. lawyer by day, prep cook by night. no. here you go. i got this. i get cash back so it's like everything's on sale. with the blue cash everyday card, you get cash back on purchases with no annual fee. backed by the service and security of american express. you get cash back on purchases with no annual fee. that had built his house once thout of straw.tle pig one day a big bad wolf huffed and he puffed and blew the house down. luckily the geico insurance age

grab them by the pussy. you can do anything. amy: that was donald trump. despite speaker ryan's pledge during the conference call, he began working with president trump immediately after the november election, vowing to help lead a unified republican government. legal challenges to president trump's revised travel ban are mounting as the order is slated to take effect at 12:01 p.m. thursday. federal judges in both hawaii and maryland are slated to hear arguments today claiming the ban targets muslims and is a violation of the first amendment. trump's executive order would bar refugees from entering the country fofor 120 daysndnd would bar all people from iranan, lib, syria, somalia, sudan, and yemen from entering the country for 90 days. president trump met with saudi arabia's deputy crown prince mohammed bin salman at the white house tuesday, during which the two reportedly discussed their opposition to the landmark 2015 iran nuclear deal. price mohammed and president trump were also expected to discuss u.s. arm sales to saudi arabia for the ongoing saudi

minimum and current president the slb trustees i can do as a candidate campaigned on proposition w pussy out randolph owner community coach residence i'm sorry students who campaigned on the trail thank you all so much. we could not have done that without your leadership and trustee john rizzo was in the back row so i could not see you >>[laughing] he spoke at many of our press conferences. icr board of supervisors here when my cosponsors on the supplemental and proposition w erin peskin, thank you. two supervisors ronen safai and in december after they got-after their elections were not sworn in but-official, immediately committed you are vote to making city college free. thank you all so much for working so closely with our office and i'm sorry, supervisor sheehy. they do also much that there's a lot of think used to be had but i think the biggest thing is that in august follow 2017 hopefully, by this thursday we will be able to announce all students will be able to attend city college for free again. i am just going in a time when there's so much darkness and disappointment and fear a

minimum and current president the slb trustees i can do as a candidate campaigned on proposition w pussyut randolph owner community coach residence i'm sorry students who campaigned on the trail thank you all so much. we could not have done that without your leadership and trustee john rizzo was in the back row so i could not see you >>[laughing] he spoke at many of our press conferences. icr board of supervisors here when my cosponsors on the supplemental and proposition w erin peskin, thank you. two supervisors ronen safai and in december after they got-after their elections were not sworn in but-official, immediately committed you are vote to making city college free. thank you all so much for working so closely with our office and i'm sorry, supervisor sheehy. they do also much that there's a lot of think used to be had but i think the biggest thing is that in august follow 2017 hopefully, by this thursday we will be able to announce all students will be able to attend city college for free again. i am just going in a time when there's so much darkness and disappointment and fear and

minimum and current president the slb trustees i can do as a candidate campaigned on proposition w pussy out randolph owner community coach residence i'm sorry students who campaigned on the trail thank you all so much. we could not have done that without your leadership and trustee john rizzo was in the back row so i could not see you >>[laughing] he spoke at many of our press conferences. icr board of supervisors here when my cosponsors on the supplemental and proposition w erin peskin, thank you. two supervisors ronen safai and in december after they got-after their elections were not sworn in but-official, immediately committed you are vote to making city college free. thank you all so much for working so closely with our office and i'm sorry, supervisor sheehy. they do also much that there's a lot of think used to be had but i think the biggest thing is that in august follow 2017 hopefully, by this thursday we will be able to announce all students will be able to attend city college for free again. i am just going in a time when there's so much darkness and disappointment and fear a

offer are shrieking vulgarity at aimless s protests and sort of bizarre and untactics like wearing pussyour chapter on crime. that was fantastic. abby: there is some writing in the blibbographer, michael. >> this is the real scholarship. i think if you read the books listed in the biography. a lot rules for radicals by so he linskey. clayton: you quote rob blog blagojevich. in the bibliography. >> once you read 75 books as i did on the democratic party. probably you realize the best strategy is to leave everything blank. abby: michael knowles after today i think it's going to stay number one for a while. pete: good man. ainsley: reason to like democrats. thanks, michael. >> thanks for having me. abby: one long time democrat is defending the president's wiretapping claims because it happened to him. former congressman dennis kucinich here with his story of being spied on. that's just ahead. pete: plus, geraldo rivera, texas congressman louie gohmert and joe piscopo all here live this morning. ♪ dance, dance ♪ afoot and light-hearted i take to the open road. healthy, free, the world before