it's a thirst-quencher, stephen. >> stephen: sure.you're drinking et i'm, like, you do cocaine! ( applause ) they're literally on crystal meth and i can't have one diet coke? things are out of hand. >> stephen: i didn't know there was bad blood between the tbai community and diet coke community. i identify as a diet coke lover and i also love the gay community. do i have to choose? >> no, you can be anything you want in this life. you don't need to specify a preference, do what feels right to you. >> stephen: soda identity is fluid, they say. ( audience reacts ) ( cheers and applause ) >> so when's letterman coming back? ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: "american horror story: cult," let me ask you this. >> yes. >> stephen: i don't think of you as i think of you as a very funny guy. >> okay. >> stephen: are you insulted i don't think of you as a dramatic actor? >> no, before i got into comedy and "billy on the street," i went to northwestern. >> stephen: so did i. we talked about this, we're both theater majors, i just wanted to

>> stephen: yeah.ere's a lot of tragedy in comedy -- >> stephen: there's comedy because of tragedy. >> there are a lot of people who have tragic lives. >> stephen: sure. >> i know. the jerry lewis thing he didn't include any of his sons in the well. how did you feel about that? >> stephen: kind of hilarious. ( laughter ) now, denied them money, that's not the same thing as slipping them a roofie. >> that upset me because i adored jerry lewis. but i'm not going to not watch the bell bow. the bell boy. >> stephen: "sailor beware," one of the funniest movies. >> i never saw that. >> stephen: i taught myself some of the moves from "sailor beware" when i was a kid. >> we want to see you do them some day. >> stephen: some day. >> not now. polish it up a little. >> stephen: was there somebody who gave you the benediction-- i don't mean to do this to you. but was there somebody-- >> i don't mind. ( laughter ) ( applause ) well, yes, there was a guy-- i don't know if the audience remembers jackie mason. >> step

>> stephen: so... ?lthy. ( laughter ) so, instead, this money is coming from me and everyone who worked on my show "big mouth" on netflix. >> stephen: it's incredibly generous, nick. thank you. thank you to you and everybody who is working on that show! ( cheers and applause ) here's the thing, nick -- and you know who else is feeling generous? the good people here at cbs! we told leslie moonves that we were doing this, and he wanted to help. so they dug around in the "big bang theory's" couch cushions a little, and i'm happy to announce that they are going to match what we've raised, dollar-for-dollar! so our new grand total for puerto rico relief is $666,000! ( cheers and applause ) >> the devil's donation! >> stephen: i'm sorry, they were clapping, nick. what did you say? >> i said that's the devil's donation. >> stephen: yes. if the devil were nice, that's how much he would give. but you know what? turns out that celebrities aren't the only people who have awkward puberty photos. and, over the past w

>> stephen: squirtle.ut, apparently, russians posing as part of a black lives matter group used "pokeÉmon go" to exploit racial tensions and sow discord among americans. so yet another online institution has been violated by russia. if only there was someone who could've warned us how important this was. >> i don't know who created "pokeÉmon go," but i'd try to figure out how we get them to have "pokeÉmon go" to the polls! >> stephen: so they hacked her, too. if only she'd pokeÉmon gone to michigan and wisconsin. ( cheers and applause ) and who knows-- wisconsin fans. midwestern fans-- michigan, wisconsin! who knows how this whole russia thing is going to play out, but i'm hoping robert mueller is going to catch 'em all. ( cheers and applause ) of course, so much happened this week. trump repealed part of obamacare, he talked about pulling out of nafta and the iran deal. plus, he threatened to start a thermonuclear war with nbc news. is so, you may have missed a some-ranging interview trump gave on fox new

>> stephen: stephen colbert's midnight confessions.ed with great advice for children. children will learn so much from reading this. for instance, here's a confession from the book. >> okay. >> stephen: i take credit for other people's work, and if i had writers, they would be pretty pissed. ( laughter ) >> jon: oh, snap! >> stephen: so buy this book, get a stack, put them by the door. no candy, it's poison. >> jon: that's right. >> stephen: you give children candy instead of this, you hate children. that's something you have to confess. >> jon: oh! >> stephen: john, june, we're in, sadly, the midst of a flurry of sexual harassments and assault allegations against some pretty big names in show biz. producers like harvey weinstein, directors like james toback, even former reality show hosts. ( audience reacts ) and of course, former fox news pundit and scrotum who wished to be a real boy, bill o'reilly. ( laughter ) >> jon: oh! ( piano riff ) >> stephen: we already knew o'reilly had previously settled five sexual harassment claims, but

stephen. >> stephen: hey, thanks, everybody.come to "the late show,"" ladies and gentlemen. ( cheers and applause ) that's very nice. ladies and gentlemen, please, have a seat, everybody. you're too kind. thanks very much. well, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to "the "late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. well today. ( cheers and applause ) today, it's 13 days after hurricane maria, yet another disaster struck puerto rico: donald trump visited the island. ( laughter ) but before the president left for sant juan, he gave this objective assessment of his administration's disaster relief efforts. >> in texas and in florida, we get an a-plus, and i'll tell you what, i think we've done just as good in puerto rico, and it's actually a much tougher situation. >> stephen: you know you can't give yourself an a-plus, right? that's-- that's not how grades work. "i have done an outstanding job this semester. i'm saying all "a"s, which is why i am so proud that i just admitted myself to harvard. i can't-- i just-- i never even took the

. >> stephen: wow. >> big deal. >> stephen: really?n: did you get to use words or did you just-- just variations on ribet for two hours. >> no, it was a musical. we not only talked but we sang. i take what i do very seriously, and i even did then. i went to the washington it's national zoo-- for hours to study frog movement. >> stephen: they have a frog exhibit? >> they did. every zoo has frogs. so, yeah, i mean -- >> stephen: how is your frog? do you still have a frog? >> i should have never gone down this road. ( laughter ) yeah. i mean, you know, there's-- being a frog is really more about body language. ( laughter ) do you want me to teach you how to be froggish. >> stephen: i have my own frog. i can do a frog. >> let me see your frog. i'll do my frog if you do your frog. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> aaahhh! that's good! that's good! that's good! ( cheers and applause ) all right. all right. so my frog is more about posture, right. you have to turn your feet out. it was more like this kind of thing. ( laughter ) >> steph

>> i will do that for you stephen. >> stephen: let's do the first three. >> okay. >> stephen: you sayu interpret. number one, "we admit that we are powerless over our addiction and that our lives have become unmanageable." >> are you a (bleep)? ( laughter ). >> stephen: two "we come to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore to us sanity." >> could you not be (bleep)? ( laughter ) ( applause ). >> stephen: "we made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of god as we understand him." >> are you on your own gonna un(bleep) yourself. >> stephen: if you can ask, what-- when did you ask yourself those three questions? >> i'm continually asking myself. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: okay, you got. ( cheers and applause ) you got into a twitter feud with our president. >> oh, yes. you've got a president, and i got into a feud with him via twitter, like all dignified people must. ( laughter ) >> stephen: okay. is there such a thing-- do you think there is such a thing as a twitter addiction? >> if you're asking me if donald trump, the president of th

>> stephen: hi, bill.steve. ( panting ) >> stephen: you seem a little winded, bill. >> well, i'm breathing funny because i -- i got something stuck in my lip. i -- i was showing your girl backstage how swedish people dip tobacco. >> stephen: you were showing a woman who works for me how swedish people dip tobacco? >> yeah. >> stephen: i think i have to report you to h.r. now. ( laughter ) i did not expect you till the next act, bill. thank you for being out here. >> oh, yeah, the acts. >> stephen: yeah, yeah. we break the show up into different little segments here. >> oh, okay. >> stephen: really nice to have you here. >> it's great to be here. ( cheers and applause ) i like what you've done with the malaysia. it's nice. >> stephen: oh, yeah. thank you so much. thank you so much. we've cleaned it up a little bit. >> it's kind of a mcmansion now, it's really nice. >> stephen: we threw a lot of cash at it. >> yeah. >> stephen: thank you for being here. this is game five of the division series. >> bit of a p

much-- >> oh, stephen, it's good to see you. >> stephen: it's good to see you. honor to have you here. >> thanks. >> stephen: you have a new book. it's called "what happened." ( laughter ) and i don't know how else to start this interview, other than saying-- what happened? ( laughter ) >> wow. >> stephen: what-- what happened? >> well, that's the question i try to answer. >> stephen: okay. >> yeah, because it was a question i asked myself starting on election night. and i started-- >> stephen: what time on election night? ( laughter ) >> well, as i write in the book, midnight. >> stephen: yeah. >> midnight. >> stephen: i remember. >> the dark time of the soul, midnight. >> stephen: yeah. i'm waiting for it to not be midnight soon. >> yeah, right. and so i-- i was asking it like you just said, "what happened!" and i figured, maybe i'd better try to find out and figure it out. so that's why i dove into this book. it was very painful and difficult. but at the end, i really feel like i've done my very best to lay out what happened so that it doesn't happen again. i

>> stephen: yes. yes, the president probably missed his story time and didn't get to hear his favorite book: "goldilocks and the three wives." ( piano riff ) ( laughter ) based on a true story, that book. ( laughter ) corker later told the "new york times, "i know for a fact that every single day at the white house, it's a situation of trying to contain him." and good luck containing trump. i mean, his tennis whites can't even do that. ( audience reacts ) ( laughter ) trump also -- sorry. there should bne disclaimers right before this -- i want to let some of our viewers know some disturbing images are coming up. ( laughter ) trump also went after the media coverage of his handling of puerto rico: "nobody could have done what i've done for #puertorico with so little appreciation. so much work!" "and the devastation to my ego could take 30 years to fix. in the end, it turned out, i was the disaster." ( cheers and applause ) sir, let the healing begin! ( cheers and applause ) now, trump's gotten a lot o

>> stephen: welcome to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. you can't keep a friday crowd down. it's not possible. ( cheers and applause ) it's physically not possible! i am with all of you on that. i am looking forward to the weekend. but you know who never rests? special counsel and sassy sam waterston, robert mueller. mueller is the former f.b.i. director in charge of investigating russian interference in our 2016 election, and we learned this week that he is now probing the trump-russia dossier. okay, what is in this dossier? well, it includes a wealth of information on a series of-- it's the pee-pee tape! it talks about the pee-pee tape! ( applause ) alleged. it's the infamous report compiled by former british intelligence officer and a man whose porn name is his name, christopher steele. christopher steele to perform? oh, it was a performance? wow, the russian ballet really is different. what new yorker would fly 2,000 miles to watch someone pee? it's free on the l train! ( cheers and applause ) yes. "i have some sandwiches." okay, now,

>> stephen: no way! >> yeah. >> stephen: you got to say that?t at the "magic mike" show, too. i want to learn-- i want to learn how to relax your way. so now we've got it. do i need to divide it? >> divide that in half. >> stephen: divide it in half. >> roll one of those into a ball, your favorite part, with your hands. lighten up! >> stephen: we've got a commercial break coming up. >> lighten up. stephen, you're too tense, man. we're talking about chilling. ( laughter ) ♪ oh, my love oh, my darling >> i need you now. very good. ♪ i hunger for your... >> stephen: "kingsman: the golden circle" is in theaters this friday. jeff bridges, everybody. we'll be back with senator jeff flake. ♪ starbucks nariño 70 cold brew coffee. in stores now. only at starbucks. they can fly... ...travel at the speed of light... ...and command the currents. they don't need another way to get around. or do they? [ engine revving ] ♪ ♪♪ ♪ ♪ for the holidand every year, we get a giwe split it equally. except for one of us. i write them a poem instead. and one for each of

>> stephen: yeah.rse for jared, when his lawyer attempted to forward him the committee's letter, he accidentally sent it to a fake kushner account run by a prankster. ( laughter ) and that prankster is now in charge of the opioid crisis and middle east peace. ( laughter ) >> jon: oh, my goodness. >> stephen: now-- oh, there's big news out of the tweet-o- sphere right now because of this, did you hear this? "twitter just doubled the character limit for tweets to 280." ( audience reacts ) yeah, 280. they have to because, as shakespeare so famously said, "brevity is the soul of wit, but i got all these extra characters to fill! blah, blah, blah, blah. hashtag i'm really christopher marlowe." ( laughter ) ( piano riff ) and, like everything else in the world, this is about money. see, twitter's been around for 11 years, but the company has never turned a profit. but now that is all fixed. because, think about it, if 140 characters earned you zero dollars, then 280 charact

>> stephen: there you go! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i like that. everybody blows a kiss to the audience. >> why not? >> stephen: why not? they deserve a little sugar. >> yes. >> stephen: so nice to meet you. i never met you before i met you backstage a second ago. >> this is the first time. >> stephen: you're a dead ringer for pierce brosnan. >> you look like stephen colbert! >> stephen: thank you very much! listen, everybody knows you as james bond among many other things. you're always thomas crown to me. >> thank you. >> stephen: such an amazing movie. it's a great performance. >> it was. ( cheers and applause ) thank you so much. well, yeah -- no, it hangs high there on the wall in the movies that i've made. i love making the movie, i love new york city, i paint, so it happened at a time in my life which -- >> stephen: you paint? i do. >> stephen: i didn't know that. >> i started as a commercial artist way back when. >> stephen: really? in london? >> in london, yeah. >> stephen: what sort of things were you doing? >> i was doing furniture repro

>> yep. >> stephen: okay.body else has a book now, hillary clinton does, and that book is called what happened, and she remembers you from the campaign in the book. i don't know if you're aware of this. but i'd like a reaction to this, hillary clinton says that your attacks during the campaign caused lasting damage, making it harder to unify progressives. what is your response to that accusation that you damaged america by damaging hillary clinton? >> actually, the cases that the progressive movement today and grassroots activism is stronger than it has been in many, many years. ( cheers and applause ) as a result of our campaign, millions of young people began to vote for the first time, became engaged in the political process. we're seeing young people all over this country, working class people, running for office from school board to congress. so i think there is a level of understanding now, among people, and what this book is about, that we have got to stand together against trump's efforts to divide us

penny. >> stephen: what! >> yeah. >> stephen: can i see the label?rywhere. 59 bucks for the pants. and 59 bucks for the jacket. and the shirt, come on. >> stephen: "life needs sparkle" it says right there. >> it does. >> stephen: 59, and 59. >> and 29 for the shirt. affordable clothes for everybody, stephen! >> stephen: you're losing money not buying that clothing. >> that's exactly right. >> stephen: and you can wear it anywhere. >> anywhere! what is wrong with me? >> stephen: have you been designing clothe for a long time? >> i have not. this is a first. this is a dream come true. i have been designing them in my head since i was a teenager, and this is my first experience. i'm so excited. it's a holiday line, j.p. penny out november 12. we announced yesterday. >> stephen: i imagine as a teenager huaccess to some pretty darn good clothes-- >> the best. >> stephen: because your mother, the lovely talented legendary diana roz was a fashion icon in her own right. >> yeah, yeah. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: you guys are probably about the same

>> let's not get into that, stephen. >> stephen: what?was nothing wrong with being spider-man but with great power comes great responsibility, stephen. that's all i'm going to say. it's not just, you know-- >> stephen: you just couldn't rock the tights anymore, is that it? >> don't diminish-- don't diminish the experience. don't reduce it. >> stephen: i don't want to diminish the marvel cinematic universe in any way. i apologize. >> no, but moving on quickly from that. ( laughter ) i-- you know, what was the question? >> stephen: i don't know. >> about lightness, it was about lightness. >> stephen: how do you lighten it up. >> goodness, gracious me. there's a game i like to play with my castmates. it's called the game of giddiness and freedom. >> stephen: for a game that lightens you up, that sure is a highfalutin name. that's the sequel to "the book of laughter and forgetting." "the game of giddiness and freedom?" >> i made it up. >> stephen: let's get giddy and free. >> do you want to play? >> stephen: i'll try. let's get giddy and free

>> stephen: yeah.n trump immediately tweeted back, "isn't it sad that lightweight senator bob corker, who couldn't get re-elected in the great state of tennessee, will now fight tax cuts plus." what is "tax cuts plus?" that sounds like tax cuts for husky boys. he'll grow into it. trump tweet-tinued, "senator corker is the incompetent head of the foreign relations committee, and look how poorly the u.s. has done. he doesn't have a clue as dot, dot, dot, dot, dot," "dot, dot, dot, the entire world was laughing and taking advantage of us. people like liddle' bob corker have set the u.s. way back. now we move forward!" yes, now america is moving forward, just like thelma and louise. ( cheers and applause ) yeah! just holding hands, just holding hands. and, jim, can i see part of that tweet again. l-i-d-d-l-e and then an apostrophe? that's not how apostrophes work. something's got to be missing, other than brain cells. in fact. ( cheers and applause ) you can't use apost fees like-- here's my guess-- my gue

>> stephen: yes, yes, yes. the worst news since i found out jolly ranchers are made from ranchers. ( laughter ) not so jolly now, are you? apparently, haribo's suppliers use underpaid and overworked brazilians to harvest carnauba wax, which gives gummi bears their glossy finish while preventing them from congealing together in large clumps-- which makes this even more tragic, because no one cares if gummi bears stick together. my favorite flavor of gummi bear is clump. now, in response to the controversy, haribo has updated their packaging: "sorry 'bout the slaves!" ( laughter ) and-- them not me. they said that. i didn't say that. haribo is saying that on their packaging. it's not me. and gummies aren't the only food controversy out there. cereal maker kellog's is in hot water-- which is a terrible way to eat cereal. their boxes of corn pops featured this illustration of a corn pop mall, with little corn pops shopping, playing, even eating at corn on a stick. just a fun day of corn cannibalism. ( laughter ) bu

>> stephen: i don't.en: yes. >> i can picture it. >> stephen: i can picture you fencing, too. >> there's something chivalrous about you. i can see you enguard. -- >> stephen: one of my producers, paul, i gave them epees for his birthday, and all we used them for was we would throw old dvds and cds at each other and swat them out of the air with the epees. a wonderful flash. i recommend it. >> did he send you a thank you note? ( laughter ) >> stephen: he did, he did. >> he kind of did, huh? >> stephen: he did. ( applause ) all the thanks i need is that you're here again. >> no, i don't think that's enough. but thank you for saying that. >> stephen: you're welcome. last time you were here you said-- you are a little worried about donald trump perhaps being elected, but you gave us kind of a hopeful story about this cab driver who had driven you to the studio that night. >> that's right, yes, yes, who saw all sorts of good things in the future. >> stephen: yeah. >> because he told me-- he said-- he said, "i'

captioning sponsored by cbs >> hey, stephen! >> stephen: hey! >> good to see you. >> stephen: how's it going, man? >> i want to tell you something. i love your show so much. >> stephen: oh, thank you. >> you're so great. you're like a master out there. you really are. fantastic. >> stephen: wow! oh, well thanks so much. it's so nice to hear, especially right now. >> what's going on, little guy? >> stephen: little guy? i think we're the same height. >> no, i was talking about your penis. ( laughter ) >> stephen: oh. >> talk to me. >> stephen: here's the thing: if i'm honest with myself, i'm having a good time, but maybe it's time for changes. >> i could see that. maybe a little pull back, lift back that, something under here, a little hair dye to cover the grey-- i use it. works great. and maybe, you know, get out of show business. >> stephen: the show is going pretty well. people seem to like it. online i get likes from the tweets. >> i've seen the comments. that's called reverse trolling. >> stephen: i'm sorry? >> yeah, people gang up on somebo

stephen colbert's interview of lou dobbs interview of president trump. >> stephen: mr. president, thank you for sitting down with me. we're besties. >> we have a very good relationship. >> stephen: before we start, do you mind if i edit this interview to make you look -- >> absolutely ridiculous. >> stephen: exactly. thank you for understanding. first question, recently republican senators mccain corker and flake have all spoken out against you, implying you're an unhinged danger to the country. >> one of the great disasters of all times. dihonest. >> stephen: so you've heard what they've said about you. anything you can do to make them >> i c . >> stephen: i'm no that's appropriate or welcome. moving on, last week there were rumors that instead of your actual wife melania standing next to you it was a body double. is there any truth to that? >> we actually have six prototypes that are all very top of the line. >> stephen: good to know. can we get personal for a moment, sir? here's a photo of you playing tennis. how would you describe thisiary? >> massive. just massive.