you. jesse: i presented you with

you know what i mean? ow each other, i thought you wouldn't mind if we shared a dressing room. this is me earlier. >> yeah, we are good friends. were we sharing a dressing room? >> this is me. oh, i see. [ cheers and applause ] >> well, i'm excited that we have photographic proof that you are a large man, but your ass is normal size. [ laughter ] because it's like -- it's like there's a black hole sucking the rest of your ass in towards the middle. [ cheers and applause ] like a little -- shaq, you got a fun-size ass, my friend. oh, now it's crazy. [ laughter ] >> we have something else in common. tell us about this photo right here. >> oh, my god. so this is a picture of me in the sixth grade, and i'm six feet tall, and i've been that tall since second grade. and as you can see, this girl right here, seems like she's standing four or five feet behind me, she's hanging off my arm like a sloth. i'm so much bigger than she is, i'm dancing and she's swinging from my bicep. i was a giant, giant kid. >> this is

i do so much for you, and this is the thanks i get? if it makes you feel any better, i don't care. - wow. you just made a very powerful enemy, chuck. - who? jigsaw? not again. - hey, this has been so fun and normal, but maybe it's time you take grammy home now. - no, no, we can't go home yet. we're trying to find her a man. - what? no! why? - why not? this is her second chance at life and at love. look, i love pop-pop, but he wasn't grammy's mr. right. he was just her mr. right now. - for 70 years? - he's a slob! all he does is watch dog shows and criticize the dogs. they're the best dogs in the world. "you try it," i said. - mm-hm. that's why i'm setting up her tinder profile. okay, mom, what are you looking for in a man? - a big raccoon coat, a straw hat, and holding a little pennant that says "college." - okay, mom? mom? i have given up trying to find someone at age 30. what makes you think that grammy's going to find her dream man at 90? - you are so negative, like that mean psychic who said i was going to shrink down to the height

i-- you know, i can't, you know, give them all enough time. 's the thing that makes me feel very bad because i get letters every day asking for advice, so... whether i'd be a mentor to people. i can't do it all. so i try to do my best by speaking in public forums and try to disseminate information on a large scale. but i think... because there are so few of us, we have to play the role of being the role model. and we have to make sure we do a good job. because we have to set the standard for others who might follow in our footsteps. right. and would you like your two daughters to become a ceo of a publicly-traded company, or you're not sure they would want to do that? i don't know what they wanna do because they're very smart, wonderful kids, but i've told them that they should do whatever their heart desires. and if that means one day they'll be ceos, you know, more power to them. so one time, i think i read, mm. when your husband was saying, "well, indra, you're spending all your time "on pepsi, pepsi, pepsi, [laughs] and what about me?" and

i said, you are a movie star and you go, "yeah, i just don't think that, you know -- sometimes i don't >> yeah. well i have -- >> jimmy: well, you just came out tonight. that was perfect. that's how a movie star walks out. >> see, i know how to walk. i have -- it's like a different persona, you know, that comes on when i'm on stage. like i know how to walk in heels, and you know, i know how to do that, but in my day-to-day life, me and my dad walk the same. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: okay. >> which is not necessarily a a great thing. >> jimmy: no. >> we call it the coleman trudge. and it's kind of -- i mean, i can't really do it in heels. 'cause it's not as ugly. but my day-to-day walk is more like this. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's your day to day walk? >> this is my day to day walk. >> jimmy: yeah, and how is it on the red carpet? right? and then this is my red carpet walk. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: the trudge, is it? >> yeah. yeah. >> jimmy: you're just kinda trudging through. oh, see now i get it. i'm set. i want to yeah talk about this. how did you end up in a a bruno mars vi

because i love gifting myself. man, youy kids may have won less thing under the tree this year, because i bought myself something. >> oh, wow. >> while i was out shopping for them. >> you know what? no one can shop better for you than you. >> (laughing). >> then you. then you. who knows what you want more than you, right? >> that's right. >> so how often have you gotten an gift ah, not really what i want. but if you just gift yourself, boom, you score every time, man. >> that's right. >> so don't just do it for christmas, do it for dirt days t time you buy something for somebody for their dirt bay, boom, get something for yourself. not just reserved for christmas. >> who knows more about you and you. >> who knows you better than you. all right, guys, thank you. >> thank you, mike. >> hey, have a great christmas, man. i won't be here until after the holidays. >> oh, merry chris ma. >> yep. >> have a great holiday, to you and your family. hopefully they have some gifts under that tree. >> same to you guys. >> all right, so we

i love you. gs up) ♪ ♪ yeah i love you too. ♪ ♪ what do you think? hey, think ben will like it? yeah, was i the only one hearing the angelic music? i'm serious, i never know what to get him. just tell me you got him fios too. sigh. mrs. layne, fios is a 100% fiber-optic network. that, plus this sick console, he'll be like whaaaaaattt. your new tech is best on the 100% fiber optic network. now just $79.99 per month with a 2-year price guarantee with a 2-year agreement. bases. prices for military famili >> on this day, no rushing and at the military exchange store milita veteran wilbur snell. >> that's a good thing to let >> they are selling all these if think they are set up off limits for crimina two men break in and smash the watche police to pawn the stolen loot. they pleaded guilty this year. >> they have to buy for gifts. >> the outgoing attorney a ban from the exchange. we wanted to know how often this answer >> a quarter of a million last year including mor

you don't laugh, you cry. iour life, sometimes things that don't go so well, that goes well with everybody else but just with you, it-- it doesn't make it. it is now the judgment of the court that you are guilty of possession or use of narcotic drugs, a class 4 felony, and you are placed on supervised probation-- you have had issues with drugs and alcohol before... - yeah. - ...and sobriety is something that you've strived for, and you've achieved, but sometimes you slip. how are you doing now? i'm doing really good now, for five years. but that doesn't mean-- there's been people that they're good for 25 years, and then they slip. - it's always tricky. - yeah. you had an amazing 30th birthday. i think oprah was there, donald trump was there, jay z was there. a lot of people never abandoned you. well, i don't know who was at the party, but there was a lot of people there. - you don't remember oprah there? - no, i don't remember. this was not in your sober period, then. no. listen, um... i'm just very grateful. i'

you didn't do it. i love you. i love you! his is what my mom refused to buy for me when i was little. you got it for me. i love it. [laughter] you are the best. h can i wear this? >> dana: i think you have to. >> greg: i have never seen you so happy in my life. >> jesse: look at that. >> kimberly: that seems expensive. >> jesse: whoa, look at that. smooth criminal. >> kimberly: do you need an alibi? [laughter] >> juan: stay out of the village. [laughter] >> dana: is it how you thought it would be? >> jesse: i do. >> dana: your del frisco gift t cards. >> kimberly: and it fits. >> dana: who is next? juan. >> juan: it's a mask. industrial safety equipment. >> jesse: it's from kimberly. >> kimberly: how did you know? >> jesse: always the hair spray stuff. >> greg: show everybody what it is. >> dana: open it up. >> juan: every day before the show starts, kimberly -- the makeup people come to take care of the beautiful kimberly and they spray hair spray. it's a cloud. id, walk away. i am privileged to sit here. i have to put it on?

>> i know. >> surprise? >> younow, chocolate. >> oh, marspan. >> covered in milk chocolate. >> up. >> i have no idea if they're good yet. >> fantastic. >> really? >> okay. all the way from austria. >> and also, red bull, their headquarters are in austria, way up in the hills, we'll see where the church where maria was married in the movie, we saw the red bull headquarters, yes, so great trip. aid great great time. very cold. but you couldn't feel t i have all kind of pictures if you want to see on social media. >> well, were you yodeling on a train. i saw that on instagram. >> yes, i was, because you had to sing along with the movie. >> you know the sound every music, aired here, sunday night? while were you gone? >> really? >> i thought of you. >> i need to watch it again. dow. >> so, as i came home, you know, getting all my stuff, getting all settled and you look at your mail, and guess what was delivered? my ham. remember my thanksgiving ham? >> the one that never came? >> do you believe this? i'm like what? on

you, man. and foo fighters. iolidays? 'cause i know this is your family photo from last year. >> very much into the holidays. >> jimmy: you are, right? >> i am. absolutely. >> jimmy: look how good. come on, everyone looks good. [ audience aws ] is that not the cutest thing? big dog, little dog. [ light laughter ] >> you can't even tell. you didn't point out the little dog, people wouldn't have known what that was. that's my -- that's my little angry dog. >> jimmy: he is kind of angry. but this year's photo is going to be different because you have a three-week-old baby. >> yeah, man. >> jimmy: congratulations. >> that's my baby. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: what's the baby's name again? >> kenzo cash hart. >> jimmy: kenzo hart? oh, my gosh. does it have a nickname yet? >> i call him lil zo, lil do right, lil baby nugget. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: no, wait till you see -- can i show you -- >> loose neck. >> jimmy: all right, all right, all right. loose neck. yeah, babies have very loose necks. yes, loose

about you today. and it -- you're not a member of the royal family, right? >> not officially. >> jimmy: not officially. >> unofficially. >> jimmy: not in any way. no insight into that situation. >> no. i don't. >> jimmy: do you know prince harry? >> i've met him twice. i presented an award to him at the audi polo. and he played polo, then i threw -- was the guy afterwards that went up and presented the award. >> jimmy: what award did he get, best prince? >> yeah, best prince. coolest prince on the coolest horse. and they won! >> jimmy: sure, they got to win, right? >> exactly. >> jimmy: can't knock the prince off a horse. >> he's a very charming, lovely man. >> jimmy: he as nice guy. >> he is, yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: prince philip is how many years old? >> 96. >> jimmy: 96 years old. can you play him like forever? until you are 96? >> maybe, yeah, i think so. sadly not, no. it changes every two years. >> jimmy: i see. >> new cast. >> jimmy: do you know prince philip? >> no, i don't know. i'd really like to me

i had you muted. lright- the award-winning geico app. download it today. mom's got this cold #stuffynose #nosleep #mouthbreather just put on a breathe right strip it instantly opens your nose... up to 38% more than cold medicine alone go to breatheright.com today to request a free sample. [fireworks exploding] [♪ ♪] hurry in to old navy! get gifting with up to 60% off the entire store. that's up to 60% off the entire store with styles from 6 dollars, at old navy. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our next guest is an emmy and grammy-winning comedian. you can catch him in his new series "happy!" tomorrow night at 10:00 p.m. on syfy. ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, patton oswalt! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: patton. >> oh. >> jimmy: we always love having you. thanks for -- >> oh, thank you. >> jimmy: helping us with the monologue. thank you for playing the game. >> yes. >> jimmy: i appreciate this. congratulations, first of all, on your netflix special. >> thank y

you know, i can't just give you the money. n't just write you a check and give you a gift, as much as i like you guys. and so, in order for me to give you that money, i'm going to need to get a return on my money. and the only other thing that i can think of is that i buy brooklyn burger from you. and i'll repackage it and i'll get it back on its feet. we're willing to do whatever it takes. episode ends, right? i'm starting to make plans for brooklyn burger. they said to me, "we've decided we're not going to transfer you the intellectual property. we've thought about it after, and we feel like we were under pressure. we're not giving it to you." i said, "okay, well, then, you at least need to give me my $200,000 back, and the interest associated with it." "we don't have the money." i was, like, "okay...you don't have the money and you don't want to give me the brand. no problem. i'm going to sue you." and so i filed suit, and the judge said, "sorry, do you have any paperwork to prove it?" i said, "well, i have the footage from

you want to get it right, i assume. >> yeah, you do. ephen: that's what we call it, we call it the lifestyle. yeah, yeah-- you should come down some time. ( laughter ) >> we do have a consultant on set, sometimes. >> stephen: you have a dominatrix consultant on set? >> we do. we have a dominatrix consultant. >> stephen: wow-- hold on, can we get one of those? is that in the budget? can we get one of those? we got one of those, okay. >> i think you need one. >> stephen: sure, sure, you never know. >> the little that i've seen-- >> stephen: what does she do? he or she, i assume. >> she. she-- well, she had conversations with us about sort of the lifestyle and some of the psychology of the characters, which is what i was interested in. but also in the scenes which are a little bit more explicit, which, for the most part, i'm not a part of, when they go into clubs or-- there is machinery involved and things like that. >> stephen: wow, you also have a mechanic on set. >> well, she kind of takes care of all that. she's the mechanic, dominatrix

<i>and you get yours.> <i>watch however you want.> on your phone, tablet, or tv.ve: welcome back to "the tonight show," everybody. it's time to play a game called "search party!" [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> steve: playing tonight, we have the tim mcgraw party. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] and their opponents, the faith hill party. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ all right. first up we have tim and faith. come on down. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ okay. here's how the game works. how are you? good to see you. >> how are you doing? nice to see you. >> steve: fantastic. how are you, tim? >> thank you. >> hey, how are you doing? nice to see you. >> jimmy: you know each other. that's not good. we're opposite teams, man. >> steve: no fraternizing. no fraternizing. >> steve: here's how the game works. i will read you the start of an internet search. >> oh lord. >> steve: and you fill in the blank. >> oh lord, jeez. >> steve: we have the top four most popular answers. >> on the board. you'll both type in your answers as fast as you can on -- it's called a computer. >> okay. [ light