i was helga from scandinavia. [ light laughter ] obviously., hello." and my wife turned around, and she was like, "oh, i'm sorry, i ordered a man." [ laughter ] that's not cool. i'm not the coolest person.al don't argue with me at once. [ light laughter ] when i was a kid, i once shoplifted a thesaurus. [ light laughter ] but then i felt so guilty, so remorseful, so repentant, so sorry, so penitent, so contrite, i brought it back. [ laughter and applause ] you guys might be surprised to learn this, but i haven't always been a hilarious comedi. i used to be a lawyer. that's a decision i made with my life. [ laughter ] and i used to be a war crimes lawyer with the united nations. yeah, unl i decided it was time to get serious. [ laughter ] and here we are. life is short, right? sometimes you just got to look yourself in the mirror and say "jess, where's this whole being a u.n. war crimes lawyer thing really going to get you?" [ laughter ] sure, bringing war criminals to justice is a great way to kill time and hang out with your friends. but is t