new york city to your couch somewhere in the world, this is the daily social distancing show with trevor noahight, let's kick it off with good news first. the fda approved a new coronavirus test due to start shipping this week. and this test will dramically de crease the wait time for results down from a few days do a mere 45 minutes. which is no time at all. that is just the time you take to wash your hands if you are doing it right. also as doctors are treating more patients they are learning more about the disease and ways that they can help people self-dying notion earlier. for example, doctors are now saying that a lot of smells or tastes can be a sim-- loss of smells or taste can be a symptom of coronavirus. completely true. if you thought your husband's chronic farting problem got better, are you in daryng. is it just me or does it seem like the disease has more specific symptoms every day, right. because firs they were like okay, it's flu-like symptoms. then no, it's akoff but eye dry cough. and now st like you lose your sense of smell. pretty soon it will be like apparently coronavir

[ cheers and applause ] trevor noah here. back with another episode of "the daily social distancing show." now, before we get into the show, i have been getting a lot of questions from you online asking about things behind me. people asked me why the plant was dying, so i replaced it. now i noticed a lot of people asking what the round things are behind me. first of all, no, it's not a sex thing, so stop saying that. these are actually african heritage domes, which a mother hands down to her son to remind him of the bond they'll always share. we call them impundu zakho. that's what it is. anyway, we're on day 12 of trying to stay home and stop the coronavirus and destroy my social life. if you bake cupcakes and run out of icing, use toothpaste. it looks exactly the same and your cupcakes are healthy. we'll catch up on businesses booming from the coronavirus, the trials of dr. fauci and president trump itching to leave the house again. welcome to "the daily social distancing show." >> from trevor's couch in new york city to yo

new york city to your couch somewhere in the world, this is the daily social distancing show with trevor noah. >> trevor: let's kick it off as we always do with some good news of the day. this morning republicans and democrats in the senate reached a deal to pump $2 trillion into the economy to help deal with this pandemic stvment biggest stimulus in the united states history and it basically spreads money everywhere. direct payments to americans. expanded unemployment insurance, aid to small businesses, aid to the airline industry and billions of dollars to help prop up the health-care industry which is vital right now. so all over america people are going to be getting checks from the government. and i know a lot of people out there are des trait-- desperate for toy lit paper but please do not use those checks to wipe your ass. you take the check, cash the check and take the cash and go to the toilet and wipe your as, or you use the cash to buy toilet paper. i should have used that first. if you were already doing it, are you too far, i can't help you. but apparently democrats and republica

in new york city to your couch somewhere in the world, this is "the daily distancing show" with trevor noah! >> trevor: all right. let's kick things off with the latest global update. there are now over 700,000 confirmed coronavirus infections around the world, with the united states now reporting the highest number of cases, while italy and spain are reporting the highest fatalities per day. and as the threat has grown, more and more countries are starting to take this thing more seriously. for instance, the largest city in africa, lagos, in nigeria is locked down, and in russia they've put moscow in lockdown as well. when russians are scared of something, then you know it's serious. russian people's daily lives look like an episode of "fear factor" what will i do today, drink fermented bread juice or wrestle bear? either way, it's going to be a good saturday. so this is a scary time to be in russia, second only to all the times to be in russia. in great britain, prime minister and ghost who has just seen a ghost boris johnson has announced he has tested positive for covid 19, which is iro

i'm trevor noah.ur guest g's tonight have a new book on the history of racism, jason reynolds and ibram x. kendi are joining us, everybody! it's going to be a really fun discussion. ( cheers and applause ) also on tonight's show, you lost half a trillion drawers yesterday, we decide trumps best words and the coronavirus is sharing your uber pool. so let's catch up on today's headlines. let's kick it off with the stock market. it's like a casino without the buffets, and for the last 24 hours, it's been on a wild ride. >> breaking news tonight, market meltdown. as the coronavirus spreads, stocks take a nose dive, the dow closing down more than 2,000 points, the market's worst day since the 2008 financial crisis. >> wall street's wild ride continued today, the dow surged after president trump talked about an economic stimulus plan. stocks rallied in final hour of trading up 1100 points to finish the day at the thousand 018. >> trevor: crashes, surge, it's so extra right now! it's always so weird the stoc

it's interesting what trevor noah picked up on italians calling people out. you almost have to shame people. it's almost come to that. >> it's so dire there. >> raise your voice. >> you really do. this is very serious stuff and that is where we are beginning. talking about serious. we are seeing the biggest one-day jump in coronavirus tests in the u.s. since the outbreak began. more than 140 people lost their lives yesterday bringing the death toll to over 590 in this country. the number of reported cases in the u.s. has now risen to more than 46,000. a new cbs news poll says nearly three quarters of americans, 72%, believe it will take months or longer for this virus to be contained. >> the coronavirus has also pushed the american economy to the brink. for that reason, president trump is now suggesting he may be running out of patience with measures meant to slow the virus as congress continues to fight over a bailout package. nowhere has been hit harder in america than the new york metro area. around a quarter of the country's coronavirus cases are in new y

i'm trevor noah. our guest tonight is an amazing woman who has spent her entire life fighting for human rights and protections for disabled people. judith heumann is joining us, everybody. an amazing story. also on tonight's show, the democratic race is down to the final two. jurassic park is real, and lewis black doesn't want to see pictures of are your kids. so let's catch up on today's headlines. let's kick it off with the coronavirus. the disease is now officially in 85 countries and it has over 95,000 confirmed cases. and it is the reason even white people have switched to the fist bump. and explode. now here in new york because the city is so crowded, the risk of coronavirus is especially dangerous. you see if corona can make it her, it can make it anywhere. (laughter) and that's why city officials are taking action. >> the mta stepping up its cleaning efforts to prevent the spread of the coronavirus on public transit. workers are disinfecting 427 subway stations wiping downturn styles, tickets

>> from comedy central's worldn, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) ♪> trevor: welcome to "the daily show," everybody! thank you so much for tuning in! thank you for coming out! ( cheers and applause ) wow! this is great! thank you! thank you! thank you! take a seat, everybody! let's do in thing, i'm trevor noah! our guest tonight is an author and activist whose new book is called "hood feminism" mikki kendall is joining us! ( cheers and applause ) also on tonight's show, joe biden makes a sphriez surprising friend. jaboukie young-white tells us how to stop corona and donald trump might actually be a genius. let's catch up on today's headlines. ♪ let's kick it off with the democratic primary race. as i like to call it -- too old, too furious. ( laughter ) it's down to bernie sanders and joe biden, and tomorrow could be the day we find out who's going all the way. >> former vice president joe biden and senator bernie sanders are both in michigan today ahead of tomorrow's presidential contest. six states will hold votes for 352 the delegates. of those, mi

>> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show," everybody! thank you so much for tuning in! thank you for coming out! so good to have you! take a seat! wow, you guys are amazing! i'm trevor noah. our guest tonight is an an actor from "the vampire diaries." her new film is called "run this town." nina dobre is joining us! ( cheers and applause ) also on tonight's show, joe biden gets his improve back. america's longest war might be coming to an end, and the coronavirus is right behind you. so let's catch up on today's headlines. ♪ ♪ let's kick it off with coffee. it's the drink you have when you're sleepy so you can poop yourself awake. ( laughter ) but one coffee company is in trouble for how they get that coffee to you. >> the famous pitch man for a coffee giant george clooney is speaking out after that company was linked to a child labor scandal. >> as nespresso's ambassador, george clooney hack the face of the company, and now says he's saddened and surprised by

i'm trevor noah.ur guest tonight is the president of the wnba players association and a forward for the los angeles sparks, nneka ogwumike is joining us, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) also on tonight's show, the presidential race is officially a sausage fest. dulce sloan celebrates women's history month, and have you been drinking water? then you might be in trouble. let's catch up on today's headlines. let's kick it off with the democratic primaries. after super tuesday, voters basically decided the race should be between joe biden and bernie sanders. so michael bloomberg promptly dropped out, and now in the wise words of the philosopher, another one. >> we begin with today's big breaking 2020 news. senator elizabeth warren is dropping out. >> warren speaking out on her decision to suspend her campaign. >> gender in this race, you know that is the trap question for every woman. if you say, yeah, there was sexism in this race, everyone says, whiner! and if you say, no, there was no sexism, about

i'm trevor noah. so excited. our guest tonight is one of the greatest actors to ever grace the screen. she's won an oscar for her role in "hidden figures" and an oscar for her role in "the help." octavia spencer is joining us, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) we will be chatting about her new show on netflix called "self made." also on tonight's show tom hanks has taken on his most challenging role. the coronavirus virus dunks on the n.b.a. and president trump drops the "f" bomb. so let's catch up on today's headlines. all right, my friends, as you know, this is normally the part of the show where i try and catch you up on some news happening in and around the world, you know. like on a normal day, we would be covering saudi arabia's oil war with russia and how they're crashing the price of oil. or we'd be covering how u.s. soccer has claimed the reason they think men should get paid more than women is because fans at the men's games are really mean. ( laughter ) it's a real thing. or we would even be covering

i'm trevor noah.ur guest tonight is an amazing singer/songwriter to perform music from her new album "before love came to kill us," yes jesse reyez is joining us! also jordan klepper tries to get the black vote, why the coronavirus is good for netflix and why bad guys don't use iphones. let's catch up on today's headlines. let's kick it off with president trump. ever since he moved in to the white house, he's been worried about two things -- one, that eric would find out where he went and, two, that a deep state inside his own government was secretly out to get him. well, it turns out he may have been right. >> a doctor who once told the nation president trump has incredible genes admits making some secret additions to mr. trump's diet et. >> ronny jackson served as presidential physician for five years till 2018. he tells the "new york times" he and his staff were working on improving the president's diet including putting cauliflower in the president's mashed potatoes. jackson told the "times" his g

from comedy central he's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah! (cheers and applause). >> trevor: welcome to the daily show, everybody. thank you so much for tuning in. thank you for coming out. thank you so much for coming out. take a seat, let's make a show, i'm trevor noah. we have two guests joining us tonight. first here to talk about new york city's response to the coronavirus, mayor bill de blasio is joining us, everybody. (applause) and then, then we're going to be joined by the star of the new show dave, lil dicky is here. also on tonight's episode, bernie sanders isn't going anywhere. toilet paper could get you killed and joe biden is sick of your shit. so let's catch up on today's headlines. all right, so look, normally we would catch up on all of the headlines from around the world. you know, maybe we what talk about harvey weinstein getting 23 areas in prison. (cheers and applause) we can talk about the supreme court for giving president trump a victory on immigration. but today there's only one-story the entire world is talking abou

central >> live from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, "the daily show" with trevor noah presents vote gasm2020, super tuesday! enough of this one at a at a time bullshit! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> trevor: we can to "the daily show," everybody! thank you so much for tuning in! thank you for coming out! thank you so much for coming out! take a seat! this is it, i'm trevor noah, and tonight we're with coming to you live on super tuesday, that's right, folks, the big democratic voting night is officially here. this is the big night when democrats in 14 states across america will decide whether the democratic nominee should be an old man or an even older man. ( laughter ) now, remember, super tuesday is super important because whichever nominee comes out gets a big boost in the race for the democratic no, ma'am nays, and you also get all the losing candidates' when youch money. let's kick it off with a few results. vermont was easily won by the original founder of the state bernie sanders. ( laughter ) already off to a win. ( applause ) and we know that colorado has also g

this is it, i'm trevor noah, and tonight we're with coming to you live on super tuesday, that's rightfolks, the big democratic voting night is officially here. this is the big night when democrats in 14 states across america will decide whether the democratic nominee should be an old man or an even older man. ( laughter ) now, remember, super tuesday is super important because whichever nominee comes out gets a big boost in the race for the democratic no, ma'am nays, and you also get all the losing candidates' when youch money. let's kick it off with a few results. vermont was easily won by the original founder of the state bernie sanders. ( laughter ) already off to a win. ( applause ) and we know that colorado has also gone his way. but it's looking like tonight is all about joe biden because black voters just put him over the top all across the south. in virginia, he won by 30%, and he's also been declared the winner in north carolina and in alabama. so right now, black people are embracing biden so hard, i wouldn't be surprised if he rolls up to his next debate speech just like wa

. >> plus, trevor noah has a daily reminder to laugh, even through these difficult times.4th, 2020. here's today's "eye opener," your world in 90 seconds. >> let's shut down the entire world. that would be wonderful. and let's keep it shut f a

>>comedy central also said 2 of its series the daily show with trevor noah and lights out with david also suspend production lot of people love ellen, but everybody loves tom hanks or a that. >>guys are these bay he and his wife rita wilson. they give an update on their condition. they both have coronavirus hanks posting on instagram and twitter this picture of the 2 of them. he says it was to thank everyone in australia who is taking care of them. they are still in isolation, they announced wednesday that they both tested positive for the virus after exhibiting. some mild oath that he some little body aches and chills slight fevers hanks is in australia doing preproduction work on a film about elvis presley and we wish them both well meantime amc theaters that it is cutting its audience capacity in half. >>it's going to do so by capping ticket sales at 50% or no more than 250 people at larger theaters, aso they'll be a lot of elbow room there amc says that the reduction will run from saturday through april 30th officials recommend social-distancing of course is a way to curb the spr

we have a great show tonight we have, trevor noah is on the show tonight doing amazing stuff over atthe daily show. also dj d-nice did a dance party on instagram that everyone was talking about so i interview d-nice and find out all the good things he's been up to but first let's just start the show with some jokes let's go hi guys. before we get into our monologue which is hot off the presses -- ow i want to say thank you so much for watching this show thank you, youtube.com youtube has been great airing these shows so, so many people can see it early and also if you go to youtube.com/fallontonight, if you're there right now or if you're watching this on nbc, who also we thank. next to our link, there's a donate button. that will go to nokidhungry.org, so that's the way you can donate to that, and anything can help. speaking of helping, i was thinking about this, and if there's any way -- your local food pantry, google where that is where is my local food pantry? they all need help right now out where i am, easthampton food pantry is desperate for anything on the shelves. so if you