three, two, one -- >> hey >> jimmy: this is great. fun >> that was fun. >> jimmy: you're like this, peripheral vision i could see you going like - >> half the time i look your body's doing this. >> jimmy: i lost it every time, man. that was great doing that. we're in the opening night room here at madame tussauds. how did you feel when you first got a wax figure of yourself >> i was honored i mean, a wax figure you think of the queen as a wax figure i was honored by it. i was surprised by it. then when i saw it, i was a little creeped out >> jimmy: yeah >> and - >> jimmy: they really put the work into it >> they put a lot of work into it >> jimmy: we talked about this before when you first came to new york city, you told me that you were scared to leave your hotel room >> i was i stayed right here in times square, marriott marquise hotel. and i would look out the window early in the morning, like two or three, and this is 1993, people on the streets, like ants. and i was like, hm >> jimmy: what was your most epic night in new york cit

hey, everybody! hey, everybody out there! thank you very much. what a lovely evening. a beautiful thursday. welcome. welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) the biggest story today is that the coronavirus refuses to stop being the biggest story every day. thanks to delta, pandemic numbers are as bad as they were back in march, and the associated press isn't taking it well. check out this headline. "covid-19 surge in the u.s.: the summer of hope ends in gloom." you all right, a.p.? that headline could use some zoloft, with an abilify chaser. still not as bad as the "new york times," who went with "ah, ( bleep ) it." ( cheers and applause ) that struck a nerve. "ah, ( bleep ) it." and the more the virus spreads, the more it mutates, which experts say could lead to a possible monster covid variant. and as we know, a monster variant could catch on in a flash, and then become a graveyard smash. ( laughter ) this afternoon, president biden gave a speech to outline his plan to curb the coronavirus. please! get

thin yeah apparently, biden's new speech writer used to be a substitute teacher. [ light laughter ] "heytience is running thin. you want me to continue this movie? [ light laughter ] yep, biden says his patience is wearing thin asked how thin biden said somewhere between paper and the new kim jong un. [ laughter ] yep. biden outlined his plan to boost vaccinations among federal workers and private employees and if that doesn't work, he's just going to slip the vaccine in every pumpkin spice latte. [ light laughter ] so i think that'll work. that's a good idea speaking of vaccines, today, moderna said that they're working on a single shot that's a covid booster and a flu shot [ audience oohs americans heard and were like throw in some de-wormer and you got yourself a deal. [ light laughter ] then, we'll talk that's right a covid vaccine/flu shot combo not to be outdone, johnson & johnson just released their four in one covid-booster flu shot, shampoo, and conditioner. [ applause ] >> steve: wow. >> jimmy: yeah no tears no tears some sports news last night was the first nfl game of the yea

joe t.: hey, hey. listen -- joe: [bleep] check. [bleep] check.l. second of all, her and i didn't get along together. joe: she worked here for three years. you were [bleep] banging her! joe t.: we didn't get along, so -- joe: you were trying to bang her! joe t.: okay, you know what? you got a whole lot of stories, bro. and you know what else? you got a daughter that's very confused and in love with me. i can't have her work here anymore. that's just that. joe: you're a [bleep] jerk [bleep] joe t.: hey, just one second. listen, i apologize if your daughter and i may have had some relationship with each other that didn't work out. big, big mistake on my part. joe: yeah, that's a little inappropriate. lemonis: when did you terminate her? -joe t.: today. -lemonis: in person? joe t.: over the telephone. lemonis: you fired her over the telephone? after three years? joe t.: i had to be here for this thing -- you know what? lemonis: i know, but, joe, you could've waited. you were having an affair with one of the employees. you can't do that. joe t.: we di

, hey, good-bye. ♪ hey hey hey good-bye ♪ ♪ na na na na, na na na na ♪ ♪ hey hey hey good-bye ♪ >> anda's white governor, ralph northam, who defied calls to resign in the face of blatant racism exhibited in his decades-old photo of his med school yearbook page, no one quite sure which one was northam but he was probably one of the two. that man, that product of a virginia that made that kind of yearbook photo an acceptable thing to put in there, well, he's the one who ordered the statue's removal last summer and celebrated by live streaming it, clearly viewing it as a political benefit for him and the democratic party in a state that is now reliably democratic, that is considerably more progressive than many of the states throughout the old confederacy. the fact that lee's statue came down is no doubt a win for those of us who do believe in the project of multi-racial democracy. the broader lesson of lee's statue coming down is that no victory is ever definitive. no surrender ever final. because the forces that oppose it endure. and they are particularly organized and animated right no

hey. my name is john smith.ere some kind of a speed limit on that thing? ( cheers and applause ) when we come back, the colbert questionaire gets revealing answers from tom hanks, john oliver, tiffany haddish and more! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ # d's and didn't even... man that's wrong. wha... shhhh, you're all right. ahhhh. get two of your favs for just six bucks. like two quarter pounders. only at mcdonald's. [sfx: radio being tuned] welcome to allstate. ♪ [band plays] ♪ a place where everyone lives life well-protected. ♪ and even when things go a bit wrong, we've got your back. here, things work the way you wish they would. and better protection costs a whole lot less. you're in good hands with allstate. click or call for a lower auto rate today. (girl) feeling lost...help? you're in good hands with allstate. (man) do what moves you. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ got this gorgeous italian leather bag from marshalls. it was such a deal! ♪ ♪ [beep] ♪ [shouting and clashing] ♪ [horse neighs] ♪ ♪ ♪ lactaid is 100% real milk, just with

hey, hey, hey. >> hey, hey, hey, what's happening?you are always broke and you can't hold down a steady job. >> his mother was like my moms. she beat him! >> all of it. >> but, mama -- >> and i wouldn't say but, if i were you. it might give me an idea, dear. >> the average-black family could identify with it. >> the other universal thing about what is happening is friendship. kids thrive on that. without friendship, they have nothing. the irony of "what's happening" is when you go to the autograph signing, it's all white. you make them laugh, people don't care about the color. boost mobile is all about giving you more power. and now, we give you more power over your health. ♪ ♪ boost is the only mobile carrier to give you free 24/7 access to live doctors from your phone. switch and get a free samsung galaxy a32 5g. only on america's largest & fastest 5g network. now that's powerful. more power to stay healthy. boost mobile long hair goals? save that last inch. elvive dream lengths with a cocktail of vitamins and fine castor oil streng

. ♪ hey, hey, hey ♪ ♪ hey, how you doing baby? fine, ♪ ♪ i figured i might come your way and ♪ ♪ roll up on you with that golden ticket... ♪ smell irresistible. the new axe effect. >>> cedric, the entertainer will be making his debut as host. he took time for a chat. >> reporter: entertainers are riding high. >> that's the rubber in the jungle right there. >> you don't need to drive anywhere. >> reporter: his car collection includes a custom 1941 ford pick pu up. >> that's what made me buy this. i love the way the foot was. >> reporter: then there is this vintage view. >> the year is 1960. >> thunder bird. >> high per tomorformperformanc. >> i am like that's grandma, she got to go. >> am con standpoiant tryin met. it's like what's next? you show up in your dna like that. >> cedric! >> reporter: show business is in this 57-year-old's dna. he's a comedian, actor and producer with dozens of films and tv credits. currently he stars in two cbs shows. next sunday he'll host the emmy awards also on cbs. a dream come true. >> wow, you are

, hey, hey ♪ ♪ hey, how you doing baby?i'm in a room with the famous faces ♪ “ready and action!” ♪ oh, i feel like scorsese ♪ ♪ ♪ yeah, this sure is like a movie ♪ ♪ (yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah) ♪ ♪ whoa, we're 'bout to make a movie, ♪ ♪ woo ♪ ♪ ♪ roll out the red carpet for me ♪ “ladies and gentlemen, that's a wrap!" and there you have it- ♪ roll out the red carpet fwoah. ♪ wireless on the most reliable network nationwide. wow. -big deal! ...we get unlimited for just 30 bucks. sweet, i get that too and mine has 5g included. that's cool, but ours save us serious clam-aroonies. relax people, my wireless is crushing it. that's because you all have xfinity mobile with your internet. it's wireless so good, it keeps one upping itself. ♪♪ come on, get your motor running ♪♪ you just head out on the highway ♪♪ looking for some tchotchkes ♪♪ and whatever comes our way ♪♪ yeah darlin, go make it happen mí amor, take the world in a love embrace ride all of your love at once and explode into space... ♪ born to be wild ♪ start your californ

you see just stuff flying out. - [jon] hi. - [unidentified man] hey there. - [jon] hey.t's going on in the world trade center? - [jon] it looks like the whole (beep) place just blew up. - [unidentified man] really? - [jon] yeah. - [unidentified man] you're exaggerating. - [jon] no, we just all saw (beep) flying out of the sky. go back to the desk. the phones are now starting to ring a lot more. people asking what's going on. (phone beeps) trading. - [unidentified man] anthony, please. - [jon] hold on. (office chatter) actually, he's off the desk. - [unidentified man] where is he going? - [jon] ah, he's here. i don't know where he is though. he's not on the desk. - [unidentified man] (indistinct) give his brother a call? - [jon] you got it. bye. "you guys okay?" you know, "do you guys know anything?" (phone ringing) - [rachel] hello? - [gregg] hey, honey, it's me. - [rachel] hi. - [greg] listen, um- - [rachel] is everyt- yeah? - [gregg] honey, i just wanna let you know. a plane just hit the world trade center, i'm okay. - [rachel] oh goodness, it's coming on the news, alm

♪ ♪ i've been waiting to smile hey ♪ ♪ been holding it in for a while hey ♪ ♪ take you with me if itop of the world then again i couldn't ♪ ♪ take it in but don't look down ♪ ♪ ♪ 'cause we're on top of the world hey ♪ ♪ we're on top of the world hey ♪ ♪ waiting on this for a while now ♪ ♪ paying our dues to the dirt ♪ ♪ i've been waiting to smile hey ♪ ♪ been holding it in for a while hey ♪ ♪ take you with me if i can ♪ ♪ been dreaming of this since a child ♪ ♪ we're on top of the world [cheers and applause] >> announcer: what's up, new york city, everybody get up! i go by the name of fat joe, welcome to "the kelly clarkson show"! new york city, make some noise! remember, -- ♪ we're on top of the world ♪ waiting on this for a while now ♪ ♪ paying our dues to the dirt ♪ ♪ i've been waiting to smile hey ♪ ♪ been holding it in for a while hey ♪ ♪ take you with me if i can ♪ ♪ been dreaming of this since a child ♪ ♪ and i know it's hard when you're falling down ♪ ♪ and it's a long way up when you hit the ground but ♪ ♪ get up now get up now get up now ♪ ♪ and i know it's hard when you'r

, hey, hey ♪ ♪ hey, how you doing baby?ou look mighty fine, ♪ ♪ i figured i might come your way and ♪ ♪ roll up on you with that golden ticket... ♪ smell irresistible. the new axe effect. frequent heartburn? not anymore. the prilosec otc two-week challenge is helping people love what they love again. just one pill a day. 24 hours. zero heartburn. because life starts when heartburn stops. >>> for two years now we're looking the role that race plays in the distribution of wealth in the united states, the typical black family has only a fraction of the wealth the average white family does and many experts say real estate is the root cause of the problem. toe went to new jersey count where his grandfather bought a house in 1953 that investment skyrocketed in value. now a story of a black family's attempt to make a similar purchase and how it turned out. >> that's the end of a fairly busy day on the new york stock exchange. >> 1964 was a record-breaking boom year for the u.s. economy and cbs followed along as one young couple tr

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hey hey ♪ ♪ gimme just one more puf of that worry be gon ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ don't gimme n just gimme a hit andone more puf of that worry be gone ♪ ♪ >> seth: my thanks to chris stapleton. tickets for his "all-american road show" tour are available now. we'll be right back. ♪ ♪ >> seth: i want to thank my guests michael keaton and teyonah parris and chris stapleton. i want to thank jerome flood ii and the 8g band. stay safe. get vaccinated we love you. ♪ ♪ >>> tonight, we continue our coverage, the powerful tributes of the

heather: hey!ctually solved the problem. all right, my biggest challenge is i don't understand the name, i don't understand how it separates from the business, and i don't understand how you develop other ancillary products that are mates to that under the current structure. heather: i would like to present to you what we've been working on. so we wanted this to be the first choice for pros, for owners, and for dogs. so the name that we came up with is trifecta dog products. lemonis: i think of horse racing. it's a gambling term for horse racing. jeremy: that's exactly what i thought of, too. lemonis: right now, i feel like you're being clinical with me. heather: yeah. jeremy: keep it simple. like i would say that "trifecta" is sterile and corporatey. heather: from what i gathered, this is what i came up with and something that i liked. lemonis: as we move forward, though, it's still unclear to me -- does heather want to own a line of products that are specifically meant to address the reasons she'

it's still summer. [ light laughter ] which brings us to a segment we call "hey. ♪ >> seth: hey, peopleove fall, back it up let's pump the brakes for a while. it's 81 degrees outside, and the calendar still says it's summer for two more weeks and hey, what are you ghouls so excited about anyway can't wait to disembowel a pumpkin and leave its rotting corpse on your porch, i assume as a warning to the other gourds maybe you're excited to drive upstate and watch the leaves die? what are you people, hudson valley goths hey, by all means, go ahead and take a look at the leaves. spoiler alert, they're still green. 'cause it's still summer seriously, what are you looking forward to, wearing a turtleneck sure, who doesn't like the feeling of being strangled by a weakling all day [ laughter ] that's why turtles move so slowly they're not getting oxygen to their brains starbucks brought back their pumpkin spice latte on august twenty- firth. twenty-firth [ laughter ] august 24th. first -- august 24th hey, are you idiots in that big of hurry to drink a pumpkin pie every morning? it's over two mon

♪♪ ♪ hey, hey, hey ♪ ♪ hey, how you doing baby? just six bucks. like two quarter pounders. only at mcdonald's. i'm really nervous. get two of your favs for just six bucks. i don't know what i should wear. just wear something not too crazy, remember it's a business dinner not a costume party. on a spotty network this is what she heard... just wear something crazy, remember it's a costume party. a costume party!? yes! anybody want to split a turkey leg? [ cheers and applause ♪ >> jimmy: earlier this year my next guest became the youngest poet in u.s. history to ever recite a poem at the presidential inauguration. her new book, "change sings: a a children's anthem," is available starting today please welcome amanda gorman [ cheers and applause ♪ >> wow >> jimmy: amanda gorman, i'm so excited to have you here >> i'm so excited to be here you know, this is my first in-person night talk show ever so - >> jimmy: is that right? >> yes [ cheers and applause >> jimmy: i'm honored. i'm honored. you look gorgeous. >> thank you >> jimmy: and i

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( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ >> stephen: hey! diwalk too fast this time? hey, joe!er good to see you. good to see you. please, have a seat, everybody. thanks. welcome, one and all to "the late show." i am your host, stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) i'm sorry, i'm sorry. i said that wrong. let me start over. welcome to the emmy award-winning "late show!" i am your host, stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ). thank you very much. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. >> audience: stephen! >> stephen: very nice, thank you, thank you. ( cheers and applause ) because on sunday night, the talented staff and crew of this show won an emmy for our live election special: "stephen colbert's election night 2020: democracy's last stand: building back america great again better 2020." ( cheers and applause ) and-- this is-- this is absolutely true. my research department says, as far as they can tell, it's the longest title ever to win a primetime emmy. the only thing longer was the acceptance speech by the director of "the queen's gambit." ( laughter ) this award belongs t

and then all of a sudden it's like hey, this guy, go back to his old shows. he was nervous to talk to me. he would meet me at the car, i think he might've even open my door. and now it is different, so it is one of those things. it's very interesting and i went into the big event. and we love our first lady, but she said i have never heard anybody boo for you. but he said all the years nobody ever booed. and i said that's what happens when you go to politics. it is true. , people pick sides. those late-night guys are terrible, but you have done a country such a service by garbling of the ratings and you have done such a great thing. >> thank you, mr. president. thank you for doing this interview. >> is a lot of fun, we will do it again. >> definitely.

powering possibilities. ( applause ). >> stephen: hey, hey, everybody!e you advice on how to play dickie? >> well -- >> stephen: back story? >> he's-- he's-- he's not the most forthcoming man. he keeps his cards close to his chest. but he did give me a little word of advice, which was "don't pay attention to anything that anyone said about your character on the series, because they're all liars. the ( laughter ). >> stephen: wow! that's great. >> they are. you know. >> stephen: ray liotta plays your father in the film. what was it like to be playing essentially gangster scenes against one of the "goodfellas." >> ray was one of my idols growing up, and i-- i actually felt there was a lot of similarity between henry hill, his character in "goodfellas" and the character i was playing, and they both are kind of confused by their own violence and, you know, the horrible things that they do. so i-- i had watched that movie 100 times before we started filming, and i was nervous about coming to do scenes with him. and the first-- one of the first scenes that we

>> hey! >> hey! >> hey! >> hey! >> hey! all: hey! >> okay. i'm, uh, i'm gonna be going. >> hey!t was that? >> that was funny. >> that was funny. let's go do it to somebody else. >> hey! [cheerful music] ♪ ♪ >> oh, look at that. >> ohh. >> cupids and hearts. really shoving our faces in it this year. you doing okay, bud? >> i miss stacy. >> yeah, i hear ya. it's been four months since i was with holly. and she was way hotter than stacy. so if you think you're hurting-- >> i can't even imagine. >> ohh. >> [snorts] >> this is our first and only valentine's day as fiances. >> you're only engaged once. well, present company excluded, but-- >> really, jim. on cupid's birthday. >> yeah. she's fine. >> so i received my first valentine from a secret admirer. "roses are red, violets are blue, "it's time for your dental cleaning and maybe a check-up, too." >> ohh. >> oh, wow. look at those. how nice for you. up there front and center. beautiful. i think they would look better right here. they're very pretty, and i wouldn't want them to fall. >> [grumbles] >> just about everybody in this off

, ron. >> hey, billy?r and applause >> jimmy: "hey, ron. "how you doing, billy? >> steve: billy? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: like that's remotely normal "hi, ron." "how you doing there, billy? >> steve: "how's it going? [ laughter ] you have that wrench i was looking for? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: some business news i saw that next year, whole foods will open two stores without cashiers. that story again, starting next year, groceries will be free at two whole foods locations. [ laughter and applause whole foods made the call after they couldn't find a cashier who could keep a straight face while ringing up a $9 apple. [ laughter ] "yeah, sure it's organic, yeah." [ light laughter ] this is interesting. according to a new study, people spend 100 days of their lives deciding what tv shows and movies to watch. [ audience ohs ] over three months only to settle on, "i'll watch whatever you want, then quietly stew for the next two hours." [ laughter ] and finally a 4-year-old girl named scarlett just climbed her 48th m

hey. newly public stocks trade on style points for annihilatannihs they are part of the lunacy of the moment sure then again, it's crazy that i believe in the long waited rematch of the fnew england patriots bryan in indiana hey, hey >> caller: i really long term concern with teether if you're a long term bit coin bull, what do you think of buying strategy on that michael adds bitcoin to balance sheet and increases -- >> just go buy bitcoin you don't flow what sailor will be up to he's just a guy. i'd be much more confidentable and recommend the stock price. i don't know why he will keep buying the stock i'd rather dollar trade. just mention that because it's up a lot how about flnick in rhode island >> caller: how's it going? >> not bad how about you? >> caller: this club member is doing amazing today. thank you. the stock has been a little rocky. is the stock of american eagle worth holding onto >> yes i went back and forth with matt. nothing has changed. it's still real good thank you f

hey, hey, hey. >> announcer: plus, what you can do if you lose power and you need to preserve your foodo go into a refrigerator, do so with a rp

man: ♪ hey, hey, hey ♪ ♪ hey, hey, hey ♪ matisun: hey, marcus. lemonis: hello. it's been a few weeks since i've seen the family, but i wanted to take them to anderson brothers' tankfarm. so anderson brothers mike and john are two guys that i invested in a few years ago, and i've asked them to get involved to help rebrand las vegas mini gran prix. mike: we're going through the website, and it looks like a fun place, but it looks like the '90s, you know? it looked like... john: kind of like a tired chuck e. cheese. mike: you know, it's... matisun: ouch! john: i'm sorry. matisun: no, it's okay. john: yeah. we feel like you have something really great, and imagine if you really polished it up and stepped up your game. lemonis: i want you to tell us which ones you like and, be honest, which ones you don't like. jerry: i do like the one that says raceway champion. taylor: i like the black one down there. john: racing helmet is pretty cool. taylor: yeah. i don't like the white one, but i like the black one. jerry: the black one, you know, don't like that. okay, left on

hey, buddy. ben: hey, how are you?n has about barry, his business consultant. so, i thought it would be a good idea to actually get barry and ben in the same room and find out if ben's concerns are actually as legitimate as he thinks they are. how long have you guys been working together? barry: about two years. ben is really a genius at what he does. he's really creative, so i've tried to have him bring people in sales, bring people in production, bring people in customer service, but they've been driven away either by the environment or sometimes you get upset at them. they stay two weeks, or they stay a month or whatever it is, and then they leave. i'm frustrated that i can't help more. lemonis: so were you helping him get his financials organized, as well? barry: i was helping monitoring getting the financials organized, yes. lemonis: okay. barry: they're better than they were two years ago. lemonis: oh, really? wow. barry: i put together all sorts of plans that i thought was the way to go forward for ben, and we h

. >> hey, hey, hey, hey. [cheering] >> greg: look. it's good to see chris cuomo is moonlighting.y. so i think we know who won this contest here. the other problem with new york city, it's full of people who never leave new york city. if they do leave and there isn't two shrinks per block, they come apart faster than biden's teeth on the cob of corn. they know everything about vegan sushi but nothing about the world. for example, would you believe that photo of border patrol agents going around on horses with riding crop sweeping people? you didn't because you're normal. you are not joy reid. but in new york city where every person is either homeless or once sexually harassed by a cuomo or sometimes both, these people are as gullible and stupid as the studio audience for "the view." apparently the media thought these were whips. i understand. the only time new yorkers see actual webs are at their s&m sessions. that's where i met john rich. owes me 40 bucks. worth every penny. it's always like liberals to see things that aren't there. i wonder what else they think are whips. >> whi

. >> stephen: hey. hey. (applause) good to see you. good to see you. (applause) please have a seat, everybody, thank you very much. very kind. >> stephen: welcome, one and all to "the late show," i'm stephen colbert. (applause) you know, folks every night i come out here and do a monologue. this is one of those nights. let's rip the bandaid off. the taliban have taken over afghanistan. the u.s. has been there for 20 years, we spent 2 trillion dollars, we trained a 300,000 man strong afghan army, and the taliban took it over in 10 days. the country is in complete chaos. yesterday, the streets of kabul were jammed with cars trying to get out of the city, people flooded the airports trying to get a plane out of the country, and here's a military helicopter evacuating from kabul, which has been compared to this photo of the embassy at siagon being evacuated and of the helicopter evacuating from kabul: not a flattering comparison. you never want to see this review: the food was excellent and the line up to the salad bar was like the fall of saigon. 4 stars.

ryan: [ laughs ] ♪♪ lemonis: hey, hey, hey! wendy: how are you? lemonis: welcome to my hometown.funnel for mod barn as an east coast manufacturing partner. okay, so i want you to think about grafton as your east coast manufacturing partner. we want to learn how do you manage the jobs that you've already accepted, how it goes from basic drawing to production out the door. alphus: partnering with them as a manufacturing entity will be super nice. wendy: i think that sounds fantastic. ryan: i'm ready to see the shop. lemonis: are you ready? wendy: yeah, let's do this. lemonis: we're gonna head this way. come here. look at this, ryan. ryan: wow, this is impressive. wow. lemonis: so this is final inspection and photography, so every job gets photographed for the catalog. it's cool, right? ryan: very cool. lemonis: how are you doing, my man? grafton: how you doing? lemonis: this is ryan. grafton: ryan. ryan: i like your name. what's up, ryan? lemonis: so we have what we call a stoplight program, where it's either red, green, or yellow. every job they have is in an envelope. they know w

(as bully) hey dweeb! gimme your lunch money, so i can help you make healthy choices in the cafeteria. two covid shots for flinching -- oh, you are live meat, buddye siely beeves lerals are trying to trick nservatisinto nd he got me. as the son of an n.i.h. immunologist, i have made it my life's mission to keep people from getting vaccinated, using the proven science of reverse psychology. but i didn't realize that i had this much power. so, to all my maga-viewers watching the next day on the internet looking for codeds, i just want to say, don't get the vaccine. because it'll make your balls swell to an enormous size, even if you don't currently have balls. they will become giant, magnetic orbs, which will emit a 5g signal so strong that bill gates will use it to watch netflix. ( applause ) and i know you'll all believe me, because you're smart as a bag of door knobs. ( cheers and applause ) we've got a great show for you tonight, my guest is billions star paul giamatti. but when we come back, i give the

we won beep, beep." [ laughter ] >> seth: hey >> hey like carrying raviolis, like, "we won!tiful girlfriend being like, "beep, beep. but that was great i liked that did you watch the world cup? >> seth: european cup, yeah. >> oh, excuse me >> seth: we get a lot of -- we have this thing on the show now where people - >> wait, that was the european cup? >> seth: yeah. [ laughter ] >> oh, my god, i thought it was the world cup. it was the european cup? i thought it was the world cup, 'cause the olympics are coming up so i got confused >> seth: are you excited about the olympics >> very excited. i know some people don't like the olympics and whatever they say about it, i agree with that too. [ laughter ] but -- [ laughter ] i do enjoy i'm very sad that we're not going to see shakari richardson. i think she's awesome, and incredible athlete, and i love watching her run and -- >> seth: are you surprised how do you feel about this rule? >> well, i am impressed by the fact she can do anything after smoking weed because i -- i could do very little back in the day. >> seth: i see yeah

hey, hey, hey! (slaps) hey, hey, hey! (slaps) another sam octoberfest? nein. make it ten!ic: expected news from north korea, later said that her country is open to peace talks in south korea if it ends when she calls, hostile policy towards the north. this is in response to south korean president speech and the united nations general assembly this week pretty he called the furry full final official in to the war between the north and south which is been in this animation suspended and then 1953 - >> we are concerned that always can can take advantage of a significantly we can security operation to operate more freely and the events can serve as a catalyst for inspiration for terrorists whether they be members of fto's organizations are violent extremists predict tonight chris parade was testifying before house panel this week on threats to the united states printed many intelligence committee for some of her peers after the chaotic u.s. exit and until then take over in afghanistan in any responsibility for the deadly airport attack last month and is isis k asthmatic to ter

hey, i'm proud of it.they found nitrous coming out of the mixture of the rubber. nitrous amins are chemicals and the biggest percentage of those chemicals are cancer. they said the amount they found in the plant was ten times higher than any plant they had ever tested. the federal government said, hey, they've got the problem, we want exhaust installed in their building. after the forced study, the last report i got a couple weeks ago, the exhaust systems they put in has taken this out almost 100%. >> we're very fortunate really to have niosh come in here and find what they did. >> you can see what they've done on the asbestos and the lead poisoning and so forth, and they found it had very probable cause. they don't let it die because the companies or the people involved say let's let it die. they keep working at it. it's just good to know that, at least one of the government agencies we're paying for is out there for our good. >> we're happy it's cleared up. this is something we wanted, but now we're inte

hey. hey, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) >> audience: ( chanting ) stephen, stephen, stephen!ephen: hello, chris, hello, mark. ladies and gentlemen, welcome, one and all to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. how's everybody feeling tonight? ( cheers and applause ) that-- that is because you're vaccinated. now, among-- looks appealing, doesn't it? among the unvaccinated in the united states, covid cases are once again on the rise, due to the highly infectious delta variant. inoculations have slowed dramatically, and less than half of the total u.s. population is fully vaccinated. so if you think of it like a pie, about half of the pie would be vaccinated, while the other half... wouldn't be able to taste the pie because they have covid! ( laughter ) now, the rising cases are being fueled by vaccine hesitancy-- which itself is being fueled by a dangerous pathogen scientists are calling the republican party. now-- ( cheers and applause ) and if there are any high school english teachers watching, please-- try to stay neutral. try to stay neutral. ( laughter ) now, t

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only from nature's bounty. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ hey, there you go! i can sit down. hey!layer who is the new co-host of "cbs mornings." please welcome, nate burleson! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> how about this? ♪ ( cheers and applause ) how about this? >> stephen: it's quite a lovely audience, isn't it? >> like playing in front of a big crowd. >> stephen: it is. lovely to meet you. welcome to the cbs family. >> thank you, i appreciate it. >> stephen: you've got a nice gig over there on the morning show. >> i do. >> stephen: i've got to talk about this outfit. i've rarely seen a suit with short on the show. i've seen them on english boarding schools but not on a late night talk show. tell me about the choice. >> i think bart simpson made this popular. it's a little chilly but it's warm outside. you've got nice calves, you can rock this. >> stephen: 100%. i don't want to upstage my guest. it's all about you, my friend. >> i hear you on that. >> stephen: congratulations on cbs. i've got to ask you about the "cbs mornings" thing. can i say mornings on cbs or what's with the

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♪ ♪ ♪ >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back! look at that!human, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ aaaahhhh! >> stephen: jon. what is that? jon lampley on the trumpet, jon lampley on the trumpet. what is that note? >> that is a "c" right on the dot. >> stephen: that is a "c" up there. i like that ♪ oooo♪ king of the high "c"s over here. jon, i'm super excited. i have the questions in my hand right now. i'm talking to a superstar singer, musician, songwriter shawn mendes is going to be out here tonight. >> jon: yes, indeed. >> stephen: 29 albums. ( applause ) maybe we'll talk about global warming. he knows something about it. have you seen those pictures of him without a shirt at the met gala. that had to melt a few glaciers. speaking of outfits. i'm not used to seeing you in the bright red. what's going on. >> jon: i'm wearing red in support of the #code-redclimate movement, which works to protect our planet from climate change by attempting to drastically cut pollution. it's aptly named "code-red" because u.n. scientists have declared tha

hey, cologuard!arly stages. early stages. it's for people 45 plus at average risk for colon cancer, not high risk. false positive and negative results may occur. ask your provider if cologuard is right for you. (all) to screening! [sfx: radio being tuned] welcome to allstate. ♪ [band plays] ♪ a place where everyone lives life well-protected. ♪ and even when things go a bit wrong, we've got your back. here, things work the way you wish they would. and better protection costs a whole lot less. you're in good hands with allstate. click or call for a lower auto rate today. >>> this year i took some time off from touring and went off on some adventures of my own. and this is kind of a -- a letter back home. ♪ ♪ ooh, california, oh, california, i'm coming home ♪ ♪ oh, make me feel good rock 'n' roll band i'm your biggest fan california, i'm coming home ♪ >> you look to the horizon that you want to move toward. and that horizon was here in l.a. >> that's where the record companies were. and there's lots of

hey, hey, hey! (slaps) hey, hey, hey! (slaps) another sam octoberfest? nein. make it ten! guy. (cheers) wild boy! get ready - our most popular battery is even more powerful. the stronger, lasts-longer energizer max. >>> an investigation is under way after a u.s. navy training jet crashed in a neighborhood near dallas on sunday. the instructor and student onboard were able to eject, however. debris from the crash fell into the yards of at least three homes, but fortunately no one on the ground was injured. authorities say the instructor is in stable condition. the student's condition unknown. the navy says he is alive and receiving treatment at a medical facility. >>> now, the family of gabby petito is asking for privacy as they grieve the loss of their daughter. on sunday, fbi investigators said the human remains they found in wyoming are consistent with the description of petito, who was reported missing more than a week ago. meanwhile, authorities spent another day searching a florida nature reserve for petito's fiance, whose whereabouts are unknown. cnn's leyla santiago