shefali to talk about.ng. >> the parent focusing on parenting themselves so that they don't project all their unmet fantasies onto their children. >> reporter: in her new book "the parenting map," dr. shefali lays out 20 steps to take. >> there are things that the parent can do that will shift the child into greater cooperation, into greater partnership. into greater connection. >> reporter: dr. shefali urging parents to relinquish their urge to control their children and instead be in charge of them. >> parents are always yelling at their kids get off the screens, don't go on the video games, instead look at the atmosphere around the child. the conditions, who gives them the ipad. who gives them the video games? so that's what we are in charge of. >> reporter: and she wants parents to know nothing says control like an if/then statement. >> if you do this, then i'll do this. we're creating this you against me model through these if/then conditional ways of relating to our children. >> reporter: she says ins