i talk about it in the book, i was 14 or 15, and i was absolutely an irreverent swimmer. i told my college coach that he didn't have a job without me, which was partly true but absolutely insulting. 14, my coach pulled me out of the water and i'm thinking he was about to tell me i did a greatjob and what he says instead was, "so i hear that at the end of meets, "you are the first one under the table," which is an expression in french that is, you are the first one totally drunk, and i looked at him and i corrected him and i said, "i am actually the last one standing." so you had an enormous sort of front and rebellious streak and it kept you going despite all of the addictions and the abuse you are doing to your own body. you got to the olympic spot but to finish the swim story, the olympics ended up being a disaster because despite breaking the world record in practice, and it came to the real deal, the heats, you bombed, you didn't get anywhere close

the heats, you bombed, you didn't get anywhere close to the final and you felt humiliated. idid. and it seems to have sent you on a descent to a rock—bottom place where, if i'm reading it right, you really seriously considered ending your life. yeah, i mean, i had attempted suicide prior to this already and i think if there is anyone who is watching this show, there are a lot of resources that can help you if you are feeling that dark and blue in the uk's really great about that. butl... for as long as i can remember, i felt very dark, empty on the inside of my chest, even as a young kid and when i understood