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ladies and gentlemen, please welcome back to our show stephen colbert! cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: take care, buddy. take care. >> thank you very much. >> jimmy: what an entrance right there. >> congratulations. >> jimmy: oh, thank you very, very much. >> this is the most tremendous

stephen colbert. on a ching-chong ding dong character. whenever someone like colbert or stewart is called out for something they hide behind the fact this is a joke, lighten up. and that only asks until they ask to be taken seriously. >> i see that point about stewart more than colbert. colbert employees? >> 17 writers and all of them are write and most of them are male. so i find it ironic that this whole premise of the red skins name and dan synder, the owner, should change it because it is racist. but colbert has 17 writers who are white. >> colbert sent out this tweet from his twitter account saying #cancelcolbert. i share your rage over the tweet i just saw. that would suggest he didn't do this. >> no, show show isn't going to be canceled. if you watch south park for five minutes you will see the bar has been lowered. but change it to the caucasian report based on the show employees. >> i think you make a good point. does this blowover or continue? >> it will last about 24 hours. comedy center ca

stevenstephen colbert was caught and it lead to outrage. it is the subject of tonight's -- >> is this racist? >> on thursday evening, the official at colbert report account wrote i am willing to show asian communities i care by introducing the ching-chong ding dong dictionary. they secured the attempt to play indicate the native american community. >> this move by dan snyder inspares me. my show has frequently come under attack for having a so-called offensive mascot. my beloved charkt a ter -- character ching-chong ding dong. i ruv tea. it is so good for you. you are so pretty americans. you come here. i no need no sugar when you around. come on i give you ride to bangkok. offensive or not? not. you chingchong is part of the unique heritage of the colbert nation that cannot change. but i am willing to show the asian community i care by introducing the ching-chong ding dong foundation to or orientals or whatever. >> in case you didn't figure it out colbert plays an ignorant charkt a ter on his show. the tweet out of context lead to calls fo

(laughter) this is the colbert report. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen stephen! >> stephen: welcome to the report. great to have you with us. thank you so much. (cheers and applause) there are some nights, folks, back home you may not know this sitting at home but there are some nights when the love is so ripe in this room-- (laughter) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: this room is so turgid, that i really should be wearing protection. folks, 2016 election is just around the corner. i cannot wait for president obamacare to pack up his quinoa garden and move back to indo-kenya. don't celebrate too soon, folks, because barreling down on 2016 like a cement truck with its brakes cut is hillary clinton. (cheers and applause) just last week i broke the story that fox news broke the story that hillary suffered from a rare, dibill tating condition doctors call aging. (laughter) unlike republic

i think we have that tweet from stephen colbert. cancel colbert was a hashtag that was trending.saw@colbertreport tweet. i share your rage. who is that, though? i'm@stephenathome. >> the person that hosts it is going to take the heat for it. i guess that was his way of making good, i guess. >> we'll see. >> someone is in trouble. >>> thanks for joining us on this friday. "way too early" with thomas roberts starts right now. >>> i'm certainly disappointed in myself that i wasn't able to pick up these traits in these people. i'm disappointed in myself that i didn't look closer, that i trusted too much. >> you don't think there is a single possibility that they thought that in your rough and tumble style in jersey politics style, that they thought this would please you? >> no z that this was for snu. >> no. i don't believe it was for me. >> ultimately, governor chris christie agrees with the lawyers that cleared him of wrongdoing. the tax-payer funded internal investigation exposed the root of the problem? no. it does expose a soured office romance >>> the search for answers in the

this is colbert's very wanted. >> in tonight's edition of colbert's very wanted. >> it was just so shocking. >> a small town reeling from a heinous crime. >> who would do such a thing. >> whoever did this could certainly do it again and again and again. >> is there a serial criminal on the loose? this is colbert's very wanted. (applause) >> socrateses new york, a typical small town. maybe even like your town. it's home for this couple. >> i'm bob. >> i'm babs. >> their peaceful lives were shattered by a senseless crime that took place just weeks ago. >> it was a saturday night. my two daughters were visiting from long island. and we had a party, the whole family. >> a party that would end in horror. >> and then the two of us, babs and i went upstairs to go to asleep. >> a sleep violently interrupted at 2 a.m.. >> we heard dog barking. >> but the dog barks and we don't pay much attention to it. >> so they kept sleeping. >> a decision that would come to haunt their dreams. >> i do blame myself. i-- i blame myself. >> in the morning bob got up. >> and i opened the door and i was shocked, gumby

hi, i'm stephen colbert. and i grew up killing ducks in the park with a jackhammer. when i was 10 years old, i beat a raccoon to death with a cinder block and my heart rate never went above 80 beats per minute. this year is my shed. you don't want to know what i got in there. but you send me to washington, i'll put more things in my shed. in fact, i'm going to need a bigger shed. >> stephen colbert in 2014. >> stephen: we'll be right back. ( cheers ann applause ). ♪ ♪ fold up your old map verizon t-mobile's network now reaches 96% of americans. ta-da! whoa. showtime. agh! there's me! there's me! there's me! boom. ohhhh! ♪ known" >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is an academy award-winning documentarian with a new film on donald rumsfeld. he'll beat me as a moderator. please welcome errol morris. errol, good to see you again. thanks for coming back. all right, how are you? >> i think i'm okay. >> stephen: you're not sure? you just think so? >> never really completely sure. >> stephen: okay. ( laughter ) maabe you shoold do a documentary about your

>> stephen colbert presents -- [ music ] -- president jimmy carter. the colbert interview. [ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: welcome to the stephen t. colbert national museum of jimmy carter-ing. james earl jones carter, jr. was born october 1, 1924 in plains, georgia, the eldest of four children to bessie lillian gordy and james earl carter, a prominent peanut farmer, which is why to this day carter must wear a label reading: "warning: manufactured in a facility that processes peanuts." after graduating high school, carter attended the u.s. naval academy and applied to work on the fledgling nuclear submarine program. in 1952, he dashed into a malfunctioning nuclear reactor to help shut it down. afterwards, he celebrated his success by destroying tokyo. after his father passed away in 1953, carter returned home to run the family business, ending a promising naval career. sadly, he never rose above the rank of "commander-in-chief." carter's family then fell on hard times and briefly lived in a georgia housing project, making him the only president to

hi, i'm stephen colbert. and i grew up killing ducks in the park with a jackhammer.n i was 10 years old, i beat a raccoon to death with a cinder block and my heart rate never went above 80 beats per minute. this year is my shed. you don't want to know what i got in there. but you send me to washington, i'll put more things in my shed. in fact, i'm going to need a bigger shed. >> stephen colbert in 2014. >> stephen: we'll be right back. ( cheers ann applause ). unwrap your paradise. soft, sweet coconut covered in rich, creamy chocolate. almond joy and mounds. unwrap paradise. what is focus? it's a wondrous sensation of clarity and alertness... it's owning your opponent... it's knowing beyond a doubt "you got this"... it's keeping your head down, your eye on the ball, and knocking it out of the park... it's getting in the zone... it's keeping on your toes... on target... on top... focus is staring the world in the face and saying "bring it"... focus is power... focus is life... and 5-hour energy is focus. why get delivery, when you can have digiorno? delivery or digior

hi, i'm stephen colbert. and i grew up killing ducks in the park with a jackhammer.hen i was 10 years old, i beat a raccoon to death with a cinder block and my heart rate never went above 80 beats per minute. this year is my shed. you don't want to know what i got in there. but you send me to washington, i'll put more things in my shed. in fact, i'm going to need a bigger shed. >> stephen colbert in 2014. >> stephen: we'll be right back. ( cheers ann applause ). ♪ ♪ are you up for whatever happens next? i think i can do that. ♪ ♪ ian, ian how you doing tonight...dah dah. ♪ this is a bizarre night. see ian's full night at upforwhatever.com ♪ i swear the kid's a genius when it comes to deleting my stuff. i can't find that chart. it doesn't have different logins for the kids? no. your samsung can do that? yeah. wow. well, mine can do pony princess hair salon. i hear there's amazing hair styles in that. do more on the new galaxy pro tablet with multi user mode. known" >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is an academy award-winning documentarian with a n

hi, i'm stephen colbert. and i grew up killing ducks in the park with a jackhammer.s 10 years old, i beat a raccoon to death with a cinder block and my heart rate never went above 80 beats per minute. this year is my shed. you don't want to know what i got in there. but you send me to washington, i'll put more things in my shed. in fact, i'm going to need a bigger shed. >> stephen colbert in 2014. >> stephen: we'll be right back. ( cheers ann applause ). ♪ geico motorcycle. see how much you could save. that's a good cloud. there you go. hey little lady, can i pet your cloud please? mhm, okay! oh it's so soft, and fluff-- [ rumbling ] woah! easy! aah! he doesn't like to be touched there. well, let's go home, freddy. mmm! [ male announcer ] pet the rainbow! taste the rainbow. [ male announcer ] the exceedingly nimble, ridiculously agile, tight turning, fun to drive 2014 smart. ♪ tight turning, fun to drive 2014 smart. it's red lobster's lobsterfest! all promotions! the year's largest selection of lobster entrees, like lobster lover's dream. hurry in and sea food differ

"the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report, good to have you. >> stephen, stephen, stephen!, stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephening stephen! >> stephen: welcome to the report, ladies and gentlemen, good to have you with us on

we at the colbert report called bobtown pizza this is true. a special combo is a $12 value which is also the same value of your land once chevron is done with it. (laughter) and bonus, if there's left over pizza the next morning, just reheat it in your sink. (laughter) folks, i with take that deal because i have said it before, i love eating. it's one of the top three things i do with food. (laughter) but nation i'm as steemd as the vegetables i will never eat by the latest obama nanny state. >> a new change announced this morning to the nutrition labels you see in grocery stores. the food and drug administration is proposing changes to the labels for the first time in over two decades. >> the fda will propose larger bolder type for calories and for the first time consumer was know whether their foods had added sugar. >> calories will be really prominent. at a glance you can see the calories big and bold. >> stephen: nice try but those labels are not big and bold enough for americans to read through their eye fat. (laughter) so i'm giving a wa

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steven colbert says he has nothing to hide.note faugh security conference if left it tougher here you see the comedian appearing at a congressional hearing in 20-10. not everyone was happy with the event. privacy activists had tried to convince colbert to not appear at the conference. for his part colbert said quote "i don't necessarily want people reading my e- mails, but i'm not a spy." a counter-conference, called trustycon, was held the day before ♪ at kaiser permanente we've reduced serious heart attacks by 62%, which makes days with grandpa jack 100% more possible. join us at kp.org and thrive. we're back with another look at the forecast. >> marty taking a look at storm tracker 4 rain us lowly to bring out of the area. taking a look at the south bay. we concede still dealing with some moderate to light the downpour. and you can see roads starting to dry out in your san jose also dry conditions along the east bay shore and east bay interior valleys. pretty dry conditions for san francisco down to birling game. and we are

this is the "colbert report. captioning sponsored by comedy central ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) folks, welcome to the show. thank you for joining us. if you watch this show, i got some news for you. president barack obama is a failed leader. don't worry-- this isn't a rerun or a future episode. it's tonight. last week obama announced the planned withdrawal of american forces from afghanistan by 2015. with a stroke of his pen, there goes america's strategic reserve of rubble. now i feel like i've wasted 12 years memorizing all those tricky muslim names-- karzai. haqqani. beyonce. i mean, i was almost ready for that jelly. there is a new foreign policy crise for obama to shrank. >> ukraine unraveling. >> ukraine officials say they're on the brink of war with russia. thousand of russian troops have ousted ukrainian forces and take

tonight introducing "the colbert report"'s new play date plaza! (cheers and applause) this is an innovative-- they love it. the kids love it. play date plases-- plaza folks, it is an innovative fun scape that's all about relating to the crucial four and under demographic. it's where we will be covering all the major news stories toddlers want to know about. for example, where did the ball go? (laughter) is it gone forever? tweet your thoughts using the #objectpermanent. and i will be taking your pretend calls on this fisher-price phone. brrg, brrng. oh, hello saddy, you're having a tea party with teddy and mr. ruffles and secretary of state john kerry. okay, i'll come by on my pirate ship. i'm not going. and play date plaza is where we'll answer the tough questions like what sound does a particular animal make. >> that's a cow. mooo. (laughter) >> stephen: thank you for that report, cow. and folks, who knows who will show up in our celebrity ball pit. >> hello! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: broadcasting legend and anchor cbs this morning, char

now you can get out there of even faster this is the colbert report. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> stephen: right there. is this it, is this were-- welcome to the report, everybody. thank you for joining us. >> steveen, stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. nation-- (cheers and applause) thank you so much. right through the uprights. thank you. nation, thank you, please, sit down, everybody. nation, if you have been watching the news, and i hope you have been, vladimir putin takeover of crimea is a sobering reminder that we cannot trust the subans unless they have a scottish accent. and folks, things just went from bad to borscht. >> we learned that it included taking ukraine's combat dolphin, that's right, the dolphins like the ones pec tured here, they were trained by the ukrainian navy to attack enemy targets. >> stephen: yes, these dolphins were trained to defend ukraine. if only their soldiers had been. (laughter) nation, we in the united states are defenseless against thi

"the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central

. >>> and stephen colbert weighs in on an ad in iowa. something you don't want to miss. that story when "way too early" comes back. stick around. >>> for the first time, he claimed he was part of the original hijacking plot that unfolded on 9/11. his role, one personally approved by bin laden was to fly a plane into the white house. nice morning, scott? aye, or...a mornin' of tiny voices crying out, "feed us -- we've awakened from our long winter's nap and we're peckish to the point of starvin'"!! i don't understand... your grass, man! it's a living, breathing thing. it's hungry, and you've got to feed it with scotts turf builder. that a boy, mikey! two feedings now...in the springtime strengthens and helps protect your lawn from future problems. [ scott ] get scotts turf builder lawn food. it's guaranteed. feed your lawn. feed it! ♪ ♪ [ female announcer ] with five perfectly sweetened whole grains... you can't help but see the good. try new olay fresh effects everything off wipes to remove makeup. and bright on schedule eye roller to instantly depuff. for instant beauty

steven colbert is my guest tonight. check it out. we're on next. >>> a transgender woman may change the face of competition. chloe johnson filed a diskrim nation lawsuit against cross fit, saying they refused to let her compete in the female division of its annual fitness competition. she says the state of california recognizing her as a female. cross fit should too. she's seeking $2.5 million in damages. cross fit argues johnson would have an unfair physical advantage over her competitors. >>> a medical nightmare for a family poisoned by meat they bought that contained lsd. the good news is, the woman gave birth to a healthy baby boy. walmart is now working with police there in florida to find out how the drugs got into the meat. >>> up next, high school playoffs in terms of basketball. and the 49ers with a new twist. these are the hands a pediatrician. these are pioneering advances in heart surgery. and these are developing groundbreaking treatments for cancer. they're the hands of the nation's top doctors. kaiser permanente doctor

stephen colbert decided to take me on. >> fox news has uncovered a bombshell of a lifetime. howard kurtz looks like controversial question of how old is too old. the age question is growing louder than a whisper, raised by former candidate and now fox news mike huck kaby. >> look, she's going to be at acknowledge age where it's going to be a challenge for her. >> if hillary clinton is the democratic nomination for president, she'll turn 69 just before the election. >> fox news is ready to forget that in the 2016 presidential election hillary clinton will be two years older. i mean, 69? that is old, like old, old. >> listen, colbert, i asked whether it was fair for xhen taters to harp on her age. i get guess that was too nuance for your black and white view of the world. and you mentioned ronald reagan's age when he took office. i played a clip of the gipper, which is more than you did. so, look, even fake anchors should have standards. you, sir, were not even truthy. and if you want to invite me on your show to talk about it -- >> that's what this is about, kurtz. >> he took

plus -- stephen colbert is trending this morning -- he's being accused of racism. we'll and -- a man with road rage gets what's coming to him. it's all chris chris date was not part of a scheme to choke up the bridge traffic according to an eternal investigation into the accusations that he intentionally created the traffic jam to punish the mayor of fort lee for not supporting him. his top aide was fired. >> 6 million people have signed up for private insurance plans under the affordable care act as the deadline approaches. only 5 million were enrolled last week. the obama administration credits the last minute surge to celebrities who helped campaign on behalf of the program. this figure also exceeds the congressional budget office estimate of 6 million signing up in the first year. the deadline is monday. >>a russian spacecraft carrying three astronauts has finally docked at the international space station. two russians and one american blasted off wednesday for what was supposed to be a six hour flight. but an engine burn designed to fine-tune their path did no

so excited is stephen colbert.r cartoons. take a look. >> reporter: he's best known for his sharp wit and trademark brand of political humor on "the colbert report." >> the republicans are on record as trying to deport dora. and they condemn spongebob as a form of birth control. >> reporter: but stephen colbert's latest animated role in "mr. peabody and sherman" is less political and more affectionate nod to an old childhood favorite. >> your name is bull winkle. >> reporter: rocky and bull winkle. what was your relationship with it as a child? >> i was a wee lad and would sneak in, 1 of 11 kids and i'm the youngest and so i would sneak in, kind of hide among my other brothers and sisters to be able to stay up to watch it. it was on at night. it wasn't on during the day and i loved it. mr. peabody and sherman were two of my favorite things. >> here sherman. >> reporter: he was intent to share that joy with his three kids. >> this was available on dvd. i got for my kids and said you can watch this as much as you wan

this is the colbert report captioning sponsored by comedy central welcome to the report o everybody, good to you haves with. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> welcome to the report, everybody. folks, if you have been watching the news like i v you know there is a big story this weekend. thank you so much, folks. folks, the winter olympics are finally over. they've handed out all the metals and all the whips. and the athletes are now leaving town before vladimir putin uses the olympic flame to burn down sochi for the insurance money. unfortunately, my friends on the u.s. speed skating team 2014 has been a rocky road or as they call it, an unzambonied rink. they medaled in only one event and the team is covering their asses by blaming the thing that covered their asses. evidently the team's new suit featured vents on the back of the suit designed to allow heat toes cape but allowed air to enter and create drag. everybody knows clothing always creates drag. which is why to get better mileage i always drive in the nude. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: i put a

. >> you're watching book tv, next elisabeth colbert argue as we're undergoing a fixed max extinction five others occurred over the past 500 million years. likely that one is the result of human action, and be the most devastating. this is about an hour. [applause] >> thank you very much, i too am very impressed that such a large number of people are here on a friday night, and i really, really appreciate it. so thanks very much for being here. i want to start by introducing you to this up on the screen who is a hawaiian. otherwise known as alala. i know that he looks a lot like an ordinary crew you might find around here. but there are significant differences, his beak is thicker for example. and his legs

it was signed by stephen cole stephen colbert.imagined to have that case with all of your secrets in it sitting in my office for at least a day and a half. i did not even tell you i had it. i thought i would auction it on ebay and see what i could get. without further ado, please derrick thompson with grover norquist. [applause] >> thank you, everybody. one of the themes of the last session was long-term thinking. it was sort of scattered. we'll from the short term to the daveterm starting with camp's plan for tax reform. he had been talking about it for a long time. my understanding is that a lot of members of the republican party have said they cannot support something that raises taxes by this much in a financial institution. what do you see is a positive and a negative? >> the positives are the lower rates. 35% and five percent average at the state level. we are at 40 compared to europe which is 25%. a dentist down toward the 25% average. -- it isost the local a step in the right direction.

how many of you watched stephen colbert air, the "colbert r eport."colbert had him on with many occasions and said, imagine we have taken all of our grandmothers. all of our grandmothers, and we are going to put them in a container underground and smother it with honey. and unless you agree to raise taxes, we are going to let out the fire ants. and go after our grandmothers. he said, will you give in to raise taxes. grover said, we have a lot of memories and photos, and we will rest well. just on this one thing. he was in my office of the new america foundation and he stopped in on one occasion, he had this big lack case. the top of the case i just happened to see, it was the oath, the oath signed by stephen colbert air. he got stephen colbert to sign the oath. but can you imagine? i never look in the case, but to have that case with all of your secrets sitting in my office for at least a day and a half. i thought i would auction on ebay and see what i could get. without further ado, welcome to the stage, derek thompson, and norquist.two, grover >> th

who will be 74 and is it fair to pundits to point out that hillary clinton will turn 69 in stephen colbert makes fun of me. >> a it is rude to talk about a woman's age but i am talking about people talking about other people talking about other people talking about a woman's age. that is called journalism. >> nice try. i will respond to the lie people by the fake anchor. >> piers morgan is blaming the movie parts on his crusade for gun control and the latest of the military covering the military showdown between russia and ukraine. this is "media buzz," and i am howard kurtz. >> we will get to the situation in ukraine in a few moments. the vice president of the united states hits the television circuit and the inevitable 2016 were asked. >> you are open talking about 2016 and considering what you are doing. where are you in the thought process? >> i was going to make a major announcement tonight but i decided tonight's your night. >> thank you. >> then off to "the view," where he had fun with soon-to-be retired barbara walters. >> i did not expect you to announce you are going to run for p

leave it to stephen colbert had to pile on.ere's what he had to say about the leadership just last night. >> what does russia's latest crimean crime mean? it means i get to run one of my favorite graphics. this is cold war update. the president of the united states is getting out-played. look at what he wore saturday during a tense 90-minute phone call with vladimir putin. no tie. jeans with a jean shirt. what is this? casual doomsday? meanwhile on the other end, you know putin's shirtless stroking a tiger looking into an infinity mirror. >> next up, lone star lunacy. establishment republicans may have won in texas yesterday, but the real winners are the tea party again and the mad hatter, the leader of them all, ted cruz. you're watching "hardball," the place for politics. ♪ ♪ ♪ where you think you're gonna go ♪ ♪ when your time's all gone? [ male announcer ] live a full life. the new lexus ct hybrid with an epa estimated 42 mpg. ♪ the further you go, the more interesting it gets. this is the pursuit of perfection. >>> welcome

this is the "colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stevein! stephen! stephen stephen! >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you for joining us, ladies and gentlemen. ( cheers and applause ) i want to thank everybody out there in america who is watching us right now. and now as you can tell, i also want to thank everybody who is in the studio right now. these people are not just an audience. these people are storm troopers for justice. ( cheers and applause ). folks, if you watch the show-- and i hope you do watch the show--im as catholic as it gets, but i have not been shy about my problems with this pope. for one thing, it's six months after labor kay day, and he's still wearing white. ( laughter ) so much for infallibility. but he has done a lot to broaden the appeal of the church. and there's a new development that will make the pope even more pope-ular than ever. >> the popular pope francis is getting his own mag

this is the the "colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the report. welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! thank you. >> stephen: thank you, thank you, ladies and gentlemen. ( cheers and applause ) thanks so much, ladies and gentlemen. thank you for joining us. and, folks, i especially want to thank all the black people joining us tonight. the i will get to my coverage of black history month in just a moment. but i'm sorry, apparently all straight people are now legally required to make wedding cakes for gay people. because last night, arizona governor and diner waitress working a 60-hour shift, jan brewer, vetoed sb1062, a bill protecting my religious right to deny sodomites pastry. and just listen why. >> senate bill 1062 does not address a specific or present concern related to religious liberty in arizona. i have not heard one example in arizona where a business owner's religious liberty has been vi

this is the "colbert report."