new fusion proglide rebuilt with flexball technology.out your dream car? yeah. silver convertible with dual stripes. cool! [curiously] how'd you know? you've been staring at that new instant game from the pennsylvania lottery. yep. "muscle car money." i could win up to $100,000, or a chevrolet camaro 1ss. (announcer) wanna see your dreams come to life? you could scratch your way to instant winning today. fuzzy dice. nice. [announcer] the pennsylvania lottery. bring your dreams to life. >>> okay. i have an idea. this is a great place. i think it will be very helpful. it's absolutely beautiful. about an hour and a half north of here. it's like a perfect retreat. just the two of you. give you a chance to reset the reset button. i've sent a lot of couples there. they've all come back renewed. what do you think? >> i'll try anything. >> sophie? >> jimmy: that is ted danson in "the one i love." [ cheers and applause ] i have to say that, the movie, first of all, is directed by your stepson. >> yeah. charlie mcdowell. i'm grinning from ear-to-e

new fusion proglide rebuilt with flexball technology.e an idea. this is a great place. i think it will be very helpful. it's absolutely beautiful. about an hour and a half north of here. it's like a perfect retreat. just the two of you. give you a chance to reset the reset button. i've sent a lot of couples there. they've all come back renewed. what do you think? >> i'll try anything. >> sophie? >> jimmy: that is ted danson in "the one i love." [ cheers and applause ] i have to say that, the movie, first of all, is directed by your stepson. >> yeah. charlie mcdowell. i'm grinning from ear-to-ear. i'm so proud. >> jimmy: i watched it today. the stepson directed it. but it's really great. >> thank god. >> jimmy: thank god, right? >> yeah. >> jimmy: otherwise, you're screwed. >> it is so good. he's had the big-time directors come up and say welcome to the club. it's really a great film. and i don't know how you describe it. you have to be careful because there's a twist inned anile that takes it into another direction that you don't want to

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fifteen minutes could save you new fusion proglide rebuilt with flexball technology.do and sun dried tomato mayo. it's just like the classic, but remixed. oh, in that case, i'll take it. what's a remix? oh, grandpa! [bell rings] waitress: welcome to denny's! break the ice, waitress: welcome to denny's! with breath freshening cooling crystals. ice breakers. the ca♪illac summer collection is here. ♪ during the cadillac summer's best event, lease this 2014 ats for around $299 a month and make this the summer of style. >> stephen: well, jon, that's it for "the report." keep it human! good night! (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: sorry. ♪ i'm going down to south park, gonna have myself a time ♪ ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ ♪ going down to south park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪ ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ people spouting, "howdy, neighbor" ♪ ♪ heading on up to south park, gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ ♪ mrph rmhmhm rm! mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪ ♪ come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine ♪ is this what you

introducing fusion proglide rebuilt with flexball technology. ntact over tricky contours, and gets virtually every hair. new flexball for the fusion proglide. gillette. the best a man can get. so what ya got on deck? skyfall. lean in, then some pinterest, you? twitter. minecraft and then some hunger games. boom. wow, you guys are all set, huh? oh yeah, new amazon fire phone. it comes with amazon prime - tons of cool stuff for no extra charge. really? it comes with amazon prime? yeah, there's so much to watch. i've been on this earth nine years, i've never seen anything like it. the new amazon fire phone, with a full year of prime included. exclusively on at&t. ♪ i'm the one ♪ pretzel bun i knows to you feel it too! ♪h you. ♪ try wendy's pretzel bacon cheeseburger with melty cheese on a soft pretzel bun. now that's better. >> stephen: here to play their hit single "i love you all" available on itunes, michael as if bendser, maggie, carlos and fran choice-- fransois. ladies and gentlemen, the soronprjbs. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ el madrid it's nice to see ya ♪ it

new fusion proglide rebuilt with flexball technology.mum contact, and gets virtually every hair. gillette. female narrator: the mattress price wars are on the mattress price wars are on at sleep train. we challenged the manufacturers to offer even lower prices. now it's posturepedic versus beautyrest with big savings of up to $400 off. serta icomfort and tempur-pedic go head-to-head with three years' interest-free financing. plus, free same-day delivery, set-up, and removal of your old set. when brands compete, you save. mattress price wars are on now at sleep train. ♪ your ticket to a better night's sleep ♪ >> stephen: welcome back, everybody, my guest tonight played young magneto in the x-men movies. please welcome michael fassbender. michael thank you so much for coming. thanks for coming on. i'm a big fan, obviously the audience is too. (cheers and applause) >> now oscar nominated actor some of your films include inglorious was turds, shame, 12 years a slave, x-men movies. your new film "frank" opens in select cities august 15th and

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new fusion proglide rebuilt with flexball technology.kes maximum contact, and gets virtually every hair. gillette. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. nation, nation, i have said it before, you know it-- folks, opinions are like a holes, in that mine is the best. this is tip of the hat, wag of the finger. (cheers and applause) first up, folks, some scary news out of poland where a priest claims to be receiving text messages from the devil after performing an exorcism on a polish girl causing satan to possess her mobile phone. i got to say satan using cell phones does make sense, though satan's contracts are slightly easier to get out of. i think we've all woken up after a night of drinking and found our phone sent some texts that could only be the work of the prince of darkness. and i have no idea how he got photos of my groin, charlene. so i got to give a reluctant wag of my finkeler to beelzebub for phoning this one in, come on you are the prince of lie, the incarnation of all evil, the sultan of swat. and this i

new fusion proglide rebuilt with flexball technology.imum contact, and gets virtually every hair. gillette. >> stephen: welcome back! welcome back to our nixon resignation special. to truly "know" an historical figure like nixon, it helps to actually know him. my next guest did. please welcome former nixon speechwriter and author of "the greatest comeback: how richard nixon rose from defeat to create the new majority," pat buchanan. pat, good to see you again! always good to have you on "the report"! >> thank you! (applause) >> stephen: pat, you knew richard nixon. you were one of his speechwriters. people see him as a tragic figure in many ways. >> right. >> stephen: who was the nixon you knew? what is he a tragic figure? >> yeah, he was, in a way. nixon had some flaws, and when the president of the united states' flaws are magnified as in many cases, it's a tragedy, and he was indecisive in watergate, too loyal to his friends, and he didn't act and if he did, he would have gone down as one of the greatest *79s. arms control, opened up

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new fusion proglide rebuilt with flexball technology.rking smartphone. applebee's take two menu lets yon one plate...ntrees ...like the new grilled vidalia onion sirloin or the new light and zesty shrimp scampi linguine. you can have both! great choice buddy! applebee's take two menu, starting at $10.99 see you tomorrow! create time together. share more mealtime moments like this. save on everyday cat essentials like exclusive friskies® grumpy cat variety packs. at petsmart®. this helps me makeablet decisions instantly. when you've got a whole team depending on your split second reaction... ...performance matters. this intel processor helps win championships. huh, fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance. everybody knows that. well, did you know words really can hurt you? what...? jesse don't go! jesse...no! i'm sorry daisy, but i'm a loner. and a loner gotta be alone. heee yawww! o. geico. fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more. jesse? [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel l

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new fusion proglide rebuilt with flexball technology. hair. gillette. band-aid brand comfort these ksheer bandages.out new our most stretchable sheer bandage ever. watch this! 50% more stretchable than an ordinary sheer bandage. so they fit snug and stretch to protect even tough spots like elbows, knees, and knuckles, from dirt and germs. they bend and stretch as much as kids do. ♪ i am stuck on band-aid brand, ♪ ♪ 'cause band-aid stretches with me! ♪ new band-aid brand comfort sheer bandages. use with neosporin antibiotic. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: still to come, the mighty mighty bosstones. our next guest earns a fine living by beating people up. he defends his light heavyweight title versus daniel cormier at ufc 178, september 27th, live on pay-per-view. please say hello to jon "bones" jones! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: it's heavy. wow. that's really heavy. >> what's up, jimmy? >> jimmy: kind of awesome. why do they have belts for -- seems like the one time you don't need a belt is when you're wearing shorts, and yet

introducing fusion proglide rebuilt with flexball technology. contours, and gets virtually every hair. new flexball for the fusion proglide. gillette. the best a man can get. ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi, ya. we're back. let's go outside to hollywood boulevard, where daniel radcliffe is standing by with our very own guillermo. and a young man, i assume we found you on the street. >> yeah. >> jimmy: what's your name? >> dan. >> jimmy: dan, where are you from? >> daytona beach, florida. >> jimmy: this is an exciting thing. you're about to get your hair cut by an international superstar. >> yeah. >> not known for my hair cutting, though. >> jimmy: you've never cut hair before right, daniel? >> i've never cut hair before. >> jimmy: and you've never had your hair cut by daniel before, yes? >> i don't believe i have. >> jimmy: dig in there. and just go for it. >> okay, buddy. >> jimmy: it's not going to hurt. don't worry. >> yeah. there we go. >> jimmy: guillermo, you can offer daniel any tips since you're the one with the experience. >> gu

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new fusion proglide rebuilt with flexball technology.gets virtually every hair. gillette. >>> i don't even believe you have a plan. >> i have part of a plan. >> what percentage of a plan do you have? >> you don't get to ask questions after the nonsense you pulled. >> i just saved quill. >> we've already established that destroying the ship i was on is not saving me. >> when did we establish that? >> about three seconds ago. she's right, you don't get an opinion. what percentage? >> 12%. 12%? it's real. >> totally fake. >> that's the most real, authentic, hysterical laugh of my entire life because that is not a plan. >> barely a concept. >> you're taking their side? >> i am groot. >> jimmy: that is "guardians of the galaxy." we heard it. see, vin? that's what i'm talking about. i am groot. that's what the character says over and over. did that take longer than eight minutes to do the whole movie? be honest. yes? >> yeah. >> jimmy: it did? >> it took more than eight minutes. >> jimmy: how is that possible? >> well, it starts with having a

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introducing fusion proglide rebuilt with flexball technology. mum contact over tricky contours, and gets virtually every hair. new flexball for the fusion proglide. gillette. the best a man can get. ♪ hey, mom! ♪ ♪ get everything turtles at target. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back, bobcat goldthwait and common are on the way. is it proper to call these scrambled eggs? >> scrambled eggs. right. you're making them. >> jimmy: i'm going to make them, great. three eggs. crack them in. >> don't put any salt in there. pan on, get it nice and hot. and i will get the mushrooms and tomatoes on. >> jimmy: all right. we call them tomatoes over here. >> tomatoes. >> jimmy: that's four eggs, isn't it? >> you want to do it with both hands? >> jimmy: i will, but i'll make a mess. >> open, open, whisk. >> jimmy: okay, whisk. >> pan on, a little butter in there, a knob. i'll start the tomatoes -- >> jimmy: i don't have a knob of butter. should i put a knob of butter in there? >> put a little effort into it, stop being lazy. >> jimmy: it must be fun t

new fusion proglide rebuilt with flexball technology.ontact, and gets virtually every hair. gillette. mmis that ice cream? mmm! uh, no, it's breyers gelato indulgences. you really wouldn't like it. it's got caramel and crunchy stuff. i like caramel and crunchy stuff. [ female announcer ] new breyers gelato indulgences -- it's way beyond ice cream. new all-you-can-eat be the fcrosscut ribspplebee's and discover their tender bone-in flavor. just don't be the last to try them and their three irresistible sauces. i'm serious. do not be the last person. new crosscut ribs are now all-you-can-eat for a limited time. only at applebee's. and come in late night for half-price apps. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: still to come, disclosure, featuring sam smith. our next guest played best pals and roommates on the tv show "new girl." now, they play best police friends in the movie "let's be cops." it opens in theater august 13th. please welcome damon wayans jr. and jake johnson. [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] you guys are fighting

new fusion proglide rebuilt with flexball technology.very hair. gillette. hey pal? you ready? can you pick me up at 6:30? ah... (boy) i'm here! i'm here! (cop) too late. i was gone for five minutes! ugh! move it. you're killing me. you know what, dad? i'm good. (dad) it may be quite a while before he's ready, but our subaru legacy will be waiting for him. (vo) the longest-lasting midsize sedan in its class. introducing the all-new subaru legacy. it's not just a sedan. it's a subaru. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: all right. we're back with clayton kershaw. music from train still to come. so, what we're going to do is this. i'm going to have a seat, i'm going to put an apple on my head, i'm going to wear these safety glasses. you've got a baseball, it's obviously not a regulation baseball. but it's still going to hurt my head if you hit me in the face with it. >> all right, no promises, yeah. >> jimmy: do your best. >> all right. >> jimmy: and try not to hit me in the face and let's do this. here we go, all right. [ cheers and applause