it. time travel does not exist. >> not so fast stephen colbert. >> stephen: who are you? >> i'm the time traveling brandy thief. i have appeared on your show in the past. [laughter] >> stephen: great. in the past. that's impossible. >> oh, is it. then where did i get this newspaper dated yesterday. >> stephen: oh my god. so you're tell meek tha tellingl does exist. >> i think you'll find the answer in the bottle of brandy under your desk. >> stephen: there's a bottle of brandy under my desk. >> not anymore, ha ha ha. >> stephen: brandy thief. >> while we're at it colbert, is this your car. >> stephen: i never picked a card. >> pick a card. oh my god. it is. [applause] >> you see stephen what you failed is a study disproved time travel may have done the opposite. >> stephen: are you suggesting we may all be time travelers, that the present is in fact just a future of people riding the time stream from the past? >> uh, yes, yes. maybe i don't know. i'm getting a little confused about whose from the future and whose not. what year is it? >> stephen: 2014. >> thank god, i just

can basically people know you're there without you saying anything. >> stephen:anything. >> it's steven colbertat else. >> the first thing before you can learn how to throw the ball, you must learn how to hold the football. [laughter] grab the ball. make sure you got it. you got the grip. first lesson, you must maintain po soafghts ball. >> i did have it. i did have the ball. you slapped it out of my has not. >> that's what happens in the game. >> people walk up and slap the ball out of my hand. >> do you want to own the room. >> i own the room. >> no you don't. do you want to throw the ball. you can't even hold the ball. your balance is off. >> i happen to know you're not wearing a cup. >> tell me you don't have testicles. [laughter] >> here is a drill that's going to help you feel the rush. as a quarterback you don't want to seat rush, you just want to feel it. >> shouldn't be establish a safe board first. >> there's no safe board. >> a pumpkin patch. >> go. come on come on. get up in it. come on, boy. pumpkin patch. you got to shoarve yo show everu own the room. it's called the quarterback w

please welcome david fanning. >> it's a conversation colbert has been preparing for since 4:00.ers and applause) his cameras were there, tonight on frontline, colbert versus fanning. >> stephen: david, thank you so much for joining me. i have wanted to have you on for a long time just to tear you a new one. okay. >> you're the eck difficult producer of frontline. which is if i'm not mistaken the last news or documentary program that does long form investigative journalism. >> left on television. >> stephen: left on television. >> neff's given up. >> stephen: why not throw in the towel, you're the last of the mohicans. why dow keep going? >> it matters. >> stephen: why does it matter. does it make money. does it mick money? >> it-- . >> stephen: does make money. >> it doesn't make money. >> stephen: the market has spoken. the market has spoken. you're the last dodo. >> well, yeah, but i think we need to be in business. i think we need to be in the business in this complicated world and i think we do it because we can take the time to do it. we can do it in some complexity. we can

. >> okay, it's not the roth report, it's "the colbert report," let me talk. >> stephen: in the 80s weould say to south africa i don't need your gold, i don't need your diamonds, i don't need your black mum bazza, we could boycott that we can't boycott everything made. there would be nothing to buy. >> stephen: china makes everything. >> right. >> stephen: so what leverage could we have against what leo-- what leverage what can we do for this cat. >> you talk about how dictators didn't like to be shamed. when mandela died the chinese official media in describing pan della wouldn't use the term freedom, democracy or nobel peace prize which mandela also won because they were afraid it would remind people of you know who, that guy. they're so worried about this. they're so worried about what he stands for which is basically freedom, democracy, human rights for the chinese people that they locked him up for 11 years. >> stephen: what is he in jail for. >> for so-called inciting state subversion. >> stephen: did he incite state subversion. >> if you say promoting democracy, freedom, in chin

ladies and gentlemen, colbert nation, one and all, it is the final night of my epic, superb owl coverage( cheers and applause ). i'm proud to say, folks, i am proud to say it has brought a lot of new viewers to the show-- mainly owls. at least now someone is watching our 1 a.m. rerun. folks, i'm afraid what i learned this week isn't all sunshine and rainbows because there's an ominous cloud wafting over football. >> a new push to allow medicinal marijuana use in the nfl. >> should the nfl reexamine its marijuana policy? >> we're willing to take a look at medical marijuana if there is proof that it could help some of our players, i think that's something that we should explore. >> stephen: you can't have marijuana in football. no! those players will be so high, they'll foor get to take their percocet. ( cheers and applause ) and folks, folks-- ( cheers ) nfl commissioner roger goodell is not helping. >> i don't know what's going to develop it as far as the next opportunity in medicine to evolve, and to help arthur deal with pain or to help with injuries, but we will try to continually sup

colbert bump. i'm a star maker, baby, i'm a grammy factory, this is where it comes from. on, as proud as i am of all these friends of the show i am most proud of my best friend of the show, me. within for best spoken word album, stephen colbert. carol burnett, david sedaris, billy crystal, pete seeger. >> i even know some of these people, come on. >> all right, and the grammy goes to stephen colbert! >> whooo! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> i won a grammy for best spoken word. stephen, stephen, stephen! >> you understand what it's like to win, win the grammy for best spoken word, that is like the nobel prize of audio book. (laughter) and winning a grammy for just speaking is not easy. that's like big the winning contestant on so you think you can walk. now obviously, obviously winning best spoken word means i'm the world's greatest word speaker. i mean look how i say it, watch this, listen up, ameliorate, yolo, all words and i just nailed them. i'm so good at speaking words, i'm so good at speaking words i should get paid just for speaking words. what's that? i do, and very

. >> we were laughing about what we saw on stephen cold air -- stephen cold air -- stephen colbert. it saying, you are trying to do news but your 10 favorite cat videos. going onu see what is at buzz feed with circa. mac galligan's company, with twitter. all of these choices. how to get your news. >> what i think is cool is that the content follows the medium. if we start from television where we sat down and we did not have a remote control, you could have a kind of news. a remote. then the news had to be faster. you will move to another place. then we get to web and mobile. what will be interesting as we get to this universal set of platforms, which is where this is headed, the question is will outlets -- it will be to get his print up high enough. people will not just live on mobile. does the company have to run across all three. sofrom what you have seen far, what do you think he has said with the idea of three screens? >> we started with the idea it was news for smartphones. as we evolve the company, we came to realize mobile means the lifestyle. will expand into other screens. we

it cheese. this is the colbert report.

it cheese. this is the colbert report. >> stephen: welcome to the report, good to have you with us, ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) folks, i think i know the answer to your questions already. folks, i certainly hope all of you had a great weekend. i for one am still recovering from yesterday's nfl play-off action. i watched so much football yesterday i got a contact concussion. but now we know who's going to the big show, the big dance, the rodeo mass grande t will feature nfc champ the seattle sadbirds versus the afc champs the dep ver horse goats, who last night defeated the new england space kites-- new england could not denver's bold strategy of scoring more points. what a performance by peyton manning, the denver's qb or quick boy, boom. this season has a league record for screaming the word only what. >> . only aha!, only aha!, only a-- omaha. >> every time he said that yesterday a group of companies in o ma what nbc doity thatted $800 to manning he foundation for at risk youth. he sa

colbert report." that is terrifying, it's arabic, it looks like arabic on fire, exploding arabic.hy shouldn't by be afraid of al jazeera. >> do you know what it means? >> it says the bombing starts at midnight. what does it mean? >> no, it means peninsula. >> how do you keep people being afraid of this? >> i can't keep people from being afraid of this. i can't convince people of that. all i can do is say watch what we do. i don't think if they see what we do on the air and the stories we cover, i think they'll understand that we are doing serious news. [ cheering ] [ cheering and applause ] >> perfectly stated. that is what we do. you can catch john seigenthaler on al jazeera america every week night at 8:00. remember news at the top of every hour. thanks for watching. >> hi, i'm lisa fletcher and you're in "the stream." sex, scandals and politics. 15 years after bill clinton's impeachment trial, are americans more willing to give cheating polices a second chance? our producer, raj is here. and looking at the comments so far, it's interesting, no one has talked about this topic.

it got wet. (laughter) this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the "report," everybody! good to have you with us! (audience chanting "stephen") why not? are you up for it? i'll do it! i might as well do the show. you ready to do the show, everybody? (cheers and applause) i like it. yes. nation, nation, here in new york city we are just digging out from the massive polear nor'snowster of the last 24 hours. we got 11 inches of snow and that's in freezing cold weather because, normally, it's like 15 inches. (laughter) but i'll tell you who i am most worried about with this storm-- space. (laughter) it probably got hit extra hard because it's closer to the sky. (laughter) but this storm is not the biggest news in spice today. jim, you are go for footage! >> nasa officials say something very mysterious has happened on mars. like nothing they have ever before seen. take a look at this. notice -- you knoll notice a big difference in these two pictures. this is two differe

new ford 5150 is made of 97% aluminum which means it's lighter but you can't put it in the microwave. this is the colbert report.

code book from the industry which claims the environment is even better off it's been frakt comedy central host stephen colbert at a six harry setting fire to himself from his frock to water supply would be more realistic it's all part of industry moves no it's also daisy luthor to make sure the mix generation will never ask questions about deadly toxins in their adult life but why would you want to give up. loose those. crop dusters spraying poisonous chemicals on food is the hero of disney's new local stuff for children in a supremum irony of the day the film was released post reports seventy nine teams were rushed to eat all of the monsanto field they will be working in was sprayed with talk sick as decides by a crop duster the american legislative exchange council war alec a big business lobby funded by special interests like exxon mobil is secretly funding school curriculums to did no man made climate change exists to be a good solution. long washington shanghai flowrate out in fact of all cities in the world will be on the water already this century as current rates of climate change the earth will be fo

it helps. this is cheating death with dr. stephen t colbert, dfa.cheers and applause) as always, folks, team death is brought to you by prescott pharmaceuticals, prescott, look for us in your your spam folder. tonight on cheating death, first up, medical miniatur miniaturization. for years now scientists have theorized the future of medicine lies in nanotechnology. using microscopic robots to fight illnesses and disease, recently researchers made a major miniaturization breakthrough in their ability to control these, the first cyborg sperm remote controls using magnets. scientists were able to accomplish this by getting individual sperm to enter tiny magnetized nanotubes. now the obvious downside of magnetized sferm is the danger of watching perform and accidentally erasing your-- but there are some benefits, for example, these little cybersperm could be used to help fertilize an egg or deliver drugs to very specific parts of the body. for instance, it could deliver anxiety medication right to your brain which you will need after learning that there