>> jimmy, this is terrible. >> jimmy: things you need to think about.t things all. >> i don't think you should leave that much money to your kids. >> jimmy: you don't? >> i tell you what. when i was younger, i was taught that we had to earn our own money. at 7, 8, i would cut lawns, i washed cars. i kind of learned how to make money. and i loved it. >> jimmy: how much money do you think you will leave to the kids? >> i am not sure of a number. >> jimmy: you should come up with a number. not giving them a lot of money is a good way to keep them from having incentive to kill you. >> you are in a very dark place tonight, you know that, jimmy. really dark place. >> jimmy: i think about these things. >> i mean, everything i was looking forward to now i am going to give birth to a psychopath who is going to want to kill me. >> jimmy: your parents did, why not. >> i gave you that one. >> jimmy: an "x factor" musical in london. an interesting thing. are you producing the x factor musical? >> yes. >> jimmy: you hired an actor to play you? >> yes. >> jimmy: in a

and now, in all honesty, here's jimmy kimmel! >> jimmy: welcome to the show. thank you for watching. thank you for coming. thank you for -- [ cheers and applause ] all of the applause is nice. thank you for taking a break from being on the phones to be here. i want to show you, we have music from jim james, lovely hannah ware is with us and captain cook from "breaking bad" aaron paul its here. [ cheers and applause ] are you viewers of "breaking bad?" [ cheers and applause ] i probably shouldn't say this. backstage a couple minutes ago, aaron told me how "breaking bad" end. it ends with scenes. inside joke. a lot of people are excited about the fact that aaron is here. we had to add extra security tonight. in fact, where is, there he is. lavoe crawford from "breaking bad" is here with us. [ cheers and applause ] what's up lavoe, how you doing? >> what's up? >> jimmy: not much. thank you for coming. >> yeah, whatever, man. i am just here to keep an eye on him. >> jimmy: you have to keep an eye on him. your boss, goodman has his own spin-off show. are you going

[ jimmy clears throat ] let's focus. >> jimmy: all right, let's focus. >> so nervous. >> jimmy: we canlaughter ] is it beeping? it's beeping. all right. okay. uh -- um -- tummy ache. [ demi coughing ] but rhymes with nelly. >> belly. >> jimmy: then, not down, but -- >> up. belly up. >> jimmy: yeah, good. [ beeping ] >> when you see something scary, sometimes you get -- >> steve: goose bumps. >> man -- when you collect a lot of stuff, you need to throw that crap away! [ laughter ] >> yes. >> what do they call you? >> jimmy: hoarder! >> bam! oh [ bleep ] sorry. [ laughter ] [ beeping ] >> steve: old-timey girdles that old-timey ladies would wear. it's -- oh, boy. >> jimmy: what did you say? >> what did you -- >> steve said it! >> corset? >> he said it! [ fast beeping ] >> jimmy: oh, my gosh. snoop dogg is smoking that -- >> blunt! boo ya! >> steve: and you're running in the field carrying it. >> high as a kite! [ cheers ] [ applause ] >> wait! it's something that -- [ buzzer ] [ sad tuba ] >> oh! ♪ >> jimmy: oh! our thanks to michael strahan, demi lovato, steve higgins. neko case perform

but jimmy fallon happening right now. jimmy! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> steve: from studio 6a in rockefeller center, the national broadcasting company presents -- tonight's guests are -- and featuring the legendary roots crew. and here he is -- jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hey, how's it going? oh! that's a crowd with love! we welcome the crowd, right there. that's a fantastic welcome. welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon," everybody. you guys feeling good tonight? i can feel it. [ cheers and applause ] welcome to the show. thank you for being here, and thank you for watching at home. here's what people are talking about. this is kind of embarrassing. senator john mccain is in the news after he was spotted playing poker on his iphone during a hearing on syria yesterday. [ laughter ] look at this photo. someone got a photo of him. [ laughter ] real, yeah. actually, it turns out it's not so bad when you hear that another group of senators were playing poker with actual cards. [ lau

>> jimmy: uh, no. >> hold it up. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no. put it down.dish we've been doing at the restaurant for over four years. [ laughter ] the horseradish makes it go down easier. >> jimmy: it really does. >> these are bacon-wrapped matzo balls. >> jimmy: that sounds so wrong. [ light laughter ] >> now, it's a recipe that i took from my grandma and made it way better by adding tons pork to it. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i was going to say -- yeah. jewish people are like -- "what?" [ laughter ] >> yeah. but she's okay with it. so, quest, if you would take all the dry ingredients and mix it here. >> questlove: and crack some eggs? >> crack some eggs. >> jimmy: look, i learned a new way to crack eggs. >> show me. >> jimmy: not on the edge just crack it flat like this. [ laughter ] [ sad tuba ] >> wow. >> jimmy: yeah. that's never happened to me in my lifetime. sorry about that. >> if you're good at cracking eggs -- [ talking over each other ] >> jimmy: thank you. my god. this is going to be a knife fight. all right. [ cheers and applause ] >> amazing. >> j

>> jimmy: put some sweat pants on! >> steve: ew. >> jimmy: ew. ew.everybody is still excited about football being back. i mean -- [ cheers and applause ] football's so fun. and this sunday night, we've got the seattle seahawks and the san francisco 49ers going head-to-head. oh, this is very exciting. >> steve: come on. >> jimmy: yeah. two great teams, right here. now, every year at the end of the season, they give out awards like most valuable player. but they also give out awards during the season, sort of like the ones in high school yearbooks. like most likely to succeed, class clown, stuff like that. so with that in mind, it's time for "late night superlatives." here we go. ♪ late night superlatives ♪ >> jimmy: this is great. our first player is zach miller. he was voted most likely to request a rectangular helmet. [ laughter ] when they make those. next is phil dawson. he was voted most likely to be the love child of james carville and mr. clean. [ laughter and applause ] that was a close race. this is russell wilson. he was voted sexiest cabana

>> don't let her bite your face. >> jimmy, you want to go for it. >> jimmy: no.ld like that. >> ears come forward. muscles on her back. when you are with dangerous animals. she is going to be 350 pound. hunts in groups. you guys keep eating pizza like that. she will hunt in the group. so, she is a lot different than the snow leopard that will hunt by itself. this guy, yes, she has, she will be 350 pounds. and the boys will be 200 pound bigger than her. >> jimmy: 550 pound. what else do we have coming out here? >> an all-cat show this one. this is really -- the show that i think i am going to convince you to fall in love with. >> jimmy: oh, no. that one is big, way too big. >> look at the claws. >> jimmy: thought these are babies. >> this one is 4 months. a nice big claw. they'll come over. pet the nondangerous end. >> jimmy: what tiger is this? >> siberian tiger. pat the back there. >> jimmy: this came from siberia? >> it would be in the wild. the message i try to tell people. they don't make good pets. these guys, they look cute like this. but they're not. >> ji

[ laughter ] >> jimmy, jimmy that's not my biggest fan.or this. [ laughter and applause ] i'm not actually your biggest fan. i take jobs on the side. so here i am, your biggest fan. "when will the next chipmunks film, chip chip hooray be made!?" [ laughter ] >> jimmy: it's a working title. >> excuse me, mr. fallon. how come you didn't do well in your "breaking bad" audition, and they only used bob? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: is that what happened? i don't know the story at all. >> sir, i can't -- i'm not even going to pretend you're a sir, i know it's you bob. >> "when will you do another chipmunks movie?" [ laughter ] >> you said that already. you can't repeat a blank card. there's nothing written on them. [ laughter ] >> "return of the chipsters." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i want to thank david cross and his biggest fan, bob odenkirk. "hollywood says no." is available in stores now. stick around, volcano choir performs next. come on back everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: all right, our next guests are memb

but, jimmy fallon happening right now. jimmy! ♪ >> steve: from studio 6a in rockefeller center, the national broadcasting company presents -- tonight's guests are -- and featuring the legendary roots crew. and here he is -- jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hey. that's what i'm talking about right there. welcome, everybody. welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon." you guys feeling good tonight? [ cheers and applause ] welcome. i love you too, sir. [ laughter ] thank you for being here and thank you for watching at home. here's what people are talking about. russian president vladimir putin actually wrote an op-ed piece in the new york city times where he said it's dangerous for americans to see themselves as exceptional. [ laughter ] then he said -- [ as putin ] except for that timberlake, that guy is freaking amazing. [ laughter ] he sings, he dances, he can act. he's so great. he's amazing. [ cheers and applause ] triple threat." yeah, putin said, it's dangerous for americans to see the

hey, jimmy? >> jimmy: yeah? >> best friends forever. [ audience aws ] >> jimmy: yeah.y wanna be with you you can call me a fool i only wanna be with you ♪ [ whistle blowing ] >> fallon! timberlake! >> both: sorry. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ male announcer ] when you're up for anything, you need the only beer that's bold enough to join you. ♪ take back the night [ male announcer ] triple filtered. smooth finish. top-shelf taste. ♪ take back the night [ male announcer ] bud light platinum. has motionsense activated by your movement, the more you move the more it protects. ♪ do more. ♪ degree. it won't let you down. when your allergies start, doctors recommend taking one non-drowsy claritin every day during your allergy season for continuous relief. 18 days! 12 days! 24 days of continuous relief. live claritin clear. every day. ow! why do i do this? [ female announcer ] some things are hard for kids to digest. rice krispies are easy. because they're made of rice, which is gentle on tummies. you missed one. it's simple as... ♪ snap! crackle! pop! ♪ rice krispies! [ engi

and now, stay put, here's jimmy kimmel! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi, there.nk you for watching. thank you for coming. i am glad you are watching. i am happy to have you here. i have to say, i don't usually have fun, but it was kind of a fun day today. a lot of excitement around our office. those who saw the show last night know we pulled a prank on a lot of people. we made a video of a girl twerking and then what appeared to be accidentally setting herself on fire. and we posted that video on to a private account on youtube. and on its own it took off. in less than a week, millions of views. ran on hundreds of news stations, talking about it on the radio, all over, the milli vanilli of youtube videos. but the funny thing, after everybody ran it thinking it was real. after all the news channels embarrassed themselves running a bonus video today, they ran it again to announce it wasn't real. >> announcer: the hoax that fooled everyone. >> the biggest twerking fail ever turned out to be a hoax. >> all a hoax. >> fake. >> we were duped by jimmy kimmel. >> the num

[ laughter ] ♪ >> jimmy, 30 seconds. >> jimmy: thank you. >> jimmy, we don't have any jokes for the show: i don't know. >> what do you mean you don't know? the show's about to start. you have to do something. >> it's time, jimmy. ♪ >> steve: jimmy fallon! ♪ >> jimmy: thank you very much, everybody. and welcome to the show. a lot of fun things out there to joke about. we got honey boo boo, so honey buble, michael buble, michael -- honey -- honey buble, boy chris christie, he's fat. [ laughter and applause ] >> this guys taking over the tonight show? >> boo, bitch! [ audience boos ] ♪ >> who is the one who knocks? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i am the one who knocks. >> james. >> jimmy: the name is fallonberg. [ laughter ] i want my jokes back. >> i'm afraid i cannot do that. unless you are willing to part with your purest joke, that is. ♪ >> jimmy: deal. go ahead. laugh your ass off. [ laughter ] ♪ [ laughter ] ♪ [ laughter and applause ] >> you're telling me that it was jimmy fallon who was selling these jokes this whole time? [ ding ] [ laughter ] do you want me to report him to nbc? [ laught

and there was jimmy.e big dance parties. >> did you dance? i feel horrible. >> jimmy: i danced, but i didn't really dance. >> because me and keith weren't there. >> jimmy: i missed you and keith. >> can we do an emmy party here in the city? [ cheers ] >> jimmy: we should, right? >> we should. we should do a really fun -- because you throw the best parties. i have to do press all the next day for "the good wife." because it's premiering at 9:00 on cbs. [ cheers ] >> jimmy: sunday, absolutly. >> so i just got nervous to stay up. because that one time that i went to your party -- >> jimmy: ah, that was a rough one. >> i stayed out until 5:00 in the morning. i had to get up at 7:00. >> jimmy: no, i was still recovering on tuesday. yeah. but i felt good. >> that was good. >> jay: when you come, like, you're fun. julianna margulies comes to your party -- you should rent yourself out to go to parties. because you are so fun. she comes and she's dancing like -- and it's so fun and we're having a good time. this y

>> jimmy: thank you.rying to get better. i'm trying to get better and better. like, give me -- give me something. >> steve: all right, ready? >> jimmy: yeah. >> steve: dog food. i'm sorry. snake. >> jimmy: snake. [ light laughter ] ♪ [ laughter ] [ cheers ] >> steve: not bad. >> jimmy: pretty good, man. >> steve: okay, ready? you draw -- >> jimmy: wait, hold on. i'm going to tell you what it is. it's the guy from barilla pasta. [ laughter ] [ talking over each other ] plus, oh, i love this guy too. he's an excellent actor who stars on the new showtime series "masters of sex." michael sheen is stopping by! [ cheers and applause ] and we have music from superchunk! oh my! [ cheers and applause ] happy friday. happy fun time. guys, today is friday and that's usually when i catch up with some personal stuff. i check my inbox, return some e-mails and, of course, send out "thank you notes." and i was running a bit behind. [ cheers and applause ] i'm running a bit behind today so i thought, if you guys wouldn't

>> jimmy: what's up? #shutthe[ bleep ]up [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: fair enough. fair enough. #hashtag. thanks to our friend justin timberlake there. his album, "the 20/20 experience 2 of 2," comes out september 30th. and be sure to check out his new film, "runner runner," which opens october 4th. we'll be right back with joseph gordon-levitt, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [fans cheering] ♪ ♪ take back the night! ♪ come on, use me up until there's nothing left. ♪ ♪ take back the night! ♪ dizzy, spinning, sweating, ♪ you can't catch your... every season is full of delicious surprises. for a limited time, savor the new pumpkin spice latte -- made with 100% rainforest alliance certified espresso. there's something new to love from mccafé. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ [ male announcer ] elevate your style. introducing the all-new corolla. ♪ introducing the all-new corolla. there are cameras,, police, guards...ds us. but who looks after us online, where we spend more than 200 billion dollars a year. american express

>> jimmy: of course. >> you are? >> jimmy: yeah.tly. >> that's the question that maybe someone -- not everybody asks. >> jimmy: you also play a game on your show. it's called "would you ever?" >> yes. >> jimmy: shall we play? >> would you ever? >> jimmy: i will play the game with you. >> okay, let's go. should i ask you first? >> jimmy: yes. pull this out of the fishbowl, and then you ask me, "would i ever?" >> okay, i'll pick first, then. you guys can play along. okay. would you ever take food off a room service cart -- this is my question, of course. would you ever take food off a room service cart in a hotel hallway? if it was like it's own entity like, not with a bite in it. but there's a piece of pizza all intact, would you ever? >> jimmy: what? >> you walk down a hall. you had a couple cocktails. >> jimmy: how drunk am i? yeah, how drunk am i? [ laughter ] i'm not thinking about it. >> you had like four skinnygirl vodkas. >> jimmy: four skinnygirl vodkas. yeah. no, i would never do that. >> never? i would. who would? [ cheers

>> uh-huh, yes. >> jimmy: hi. >> hi. >> jimmy: how goes it?and i don't know super much about these things, but i think it is patrick stewart's doll, the "star trek" doll, 12-inch "star trek" doll. >> jimmy: in your box is a 12-inch patrick stewart? [ laughter and applause ] you know, you can lie on this show. you're really clever. i'm going to say that you're lying. >> i am lying! ♪ [ applause ] >> jimmy: you're so good. i'm like, collectible? it was so good. the details are good. all right. number? nine? nine, number nine. >> number nine. >> jimmy: here we go. all right. >> okay. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: in my box -- >> oh, hello. >> jimmy: -- is something i use every day. something i have in my bathroom. what it is, is -- [ laughter ] hair removal strips. >> huh. in a box? >> jimmy: in the box. >> i think you're lying! >> jimmy: i'm not lying! >> oh! [ sad tuba ] [ talking over each other ] >> jimmy: doesn't matter. whoever wins this wins. oh, my gosh. all right. [ laughter ] hi. >> hi. >> jimmy: fine weather we're having. >> you want to know

>> jimmy: broccoli?no, parsley, yeah, >> jimmy: and then he tweeted, no more breakfast burrito, i need to stay healthy, who were you talking to, yourself? >> yeah. >> jimmy: and another tweet, my favorite grocery, and he tweeted a picture of himself outside whole food. and who took this picture? >> one of the employees. >> jimmy: one of the employees? >> yes. >> jimmy: you gave them a camera and asked them to post a picture of you? >> yes. >> jimmy: and then posted it for all to see? >> yeah. >> jimmy: and then one more, he tweeted, burned calories without working out, great news. so how do you burn calories without working out? >> just drink juice. and that is it. >> jimmy: okay. all right, well, richard simmons will be here tomorrow, we'll pass that along to him. >> oh, yeah, yeah, okay, i'll tell him. >> jimmy: we have a good mix of guests for you tonight. vin diesel is with us tonight. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: vin is not his real name. his real name is vehicle identification number. we'll al

>> guillermo: right, jimmy. >> jimmy: how do you like it, guillermo?fan of the blizzard, why don't you tell us a little more about it? >> guillermo: dq is a quintessential summer favorite, and the blizzard is a great way to keep summer going. they have lots of flavors including this one, the new choco covered cheesecake blizzard. i love it. >> jimmy: thank you, guillermo. you owe me half of that 99 cents. >> guillermo: okay. can we get down now, dumbass? [ laughter ] >> dicky: dairy queen. this is fan food, not fast food. right now, buy one blizzard, get one for 99 cents. only at your dq. [ male announcer ] guys don't put all this high tech gear on their face only to go home and wreck it with just any razor. upgrade to the gillette fusion proglide, precision equipment with less tug, less pull, for unrivaled comfort even on sensitive skin. so you can go get it. gillette -- the best a man can get. why let erectile dysfunction get in your way? talk to your doctor about viagra. ask if your heart is healthy enough for sex. do not take viagra if you take nit

but jimmy fallon happening right now, jimmy!ers and applause ] ♪ >> steve: from studio 6a in rockefeller center, the national broadcasting company presents -- tonight's guests are -- and featuring the legendary roots crew. and here he is -- jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, thank you very, very much. welcome, everybody. welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon." you guys doing good tonight? i can tell. it's a great new york city crowd, right there. great new york city crowd. welcome to our show. thank you for watching at home. i appreciate it. i love you too, i love you too. uh, welcome to the show. it's a big day here in new york city. everyone's very excited. everyone's talking about the primaries for mayor here in new york. it was last night. as you probably heard, anthony weiner lost the democratic primary. that's right. weiner is out. [ laughter and applause ] and this is true. when it was over, this is a true story. did you hear about this? >> steve: yes. >> jimmy: oh, man. he ap

but, "jimmy fallon" happening right now! jimmy!and applause ] ♪ >> steve: from studio 6a in rockefeller center, the national broadcasting company presents -- tonight's guests are -- the legendary roots crew. and here he is -- jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you! welcome, everybody! thank you very much! thank you very much. that sounds great, right there, you know how to do it. you know how to do it right there. that's a great new york city crowd. welcome, everybody, to "late night -- [ cheers and applause ] with jimmy fallon." you guys feeling good tonight? [ cheers and applause ] you guys -- i can feel it. well, here's what people are talking about. saturday night was the big fight in las vegas. you had floyd mayweather and canelo alvarez. that's the guy who lost. anyways, did you see that floyd mayweather was escorted to the ring by lil wayne and justin bieber. [ laughter ] it really psyched out alvarez. because when he saw the three of them together he was like, "i don't know who t

>> jimmy: yeah, yeah. >> oh, so nice. >> jimmy: go for it.e for a hobby? what do you like to do with your time? >> jimmy: what do i like to do for the hobby? >> yeah, like, we do hobby on the weekend. hey, i got nothing to do. what am i going to be doing? [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: i play the guitar. is that what you mean? >> yeah, you play the guitar. >> jimmy: i play guitar. >> that's great. i draw you playing tennis. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: all right, i guess. >> that's great. that's great hobby. >> jimmy: i don't play tennis. okay, sure. >> you would be good at tennis. you look like a tennis player. yeah, like that there. and about you. what about your hair? >> jimmy: yeah. >> how are we going to do -- how we going to do you hair? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: what? >> you tell me. you just tell me how you want you hair. i do you hair. >> jimmy: it's just like -- like it is here. just parted to the side. >> oh, like medieval bowl cut. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no. no. what? okay. >> i concentrate. >> jimmy: oh, you concentrate. >> i have to concen

and here he is -- jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh. feel the love. that's a hot crowd right there. welcome. [ cheers and applause ] we have a great show. you're in for a great show. welcome, everybody. welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon," right now. here we go. [ cheers and applause ] welcome to the show, everybody. here's what people are talking about. of course, after five seasons on the air, this sunday is the big finale of "breaking bad." [ cheers and applause ] it's a great show. great show. and companies in albuquerque, which is where "breaking bad" takes place, they're getting ready for a drop in business because fewer tourists will be visiting. [ audience aws ] yeah, fans of the show said they love all the grittiness, shady characters and crime. then detroit was like, "welcome!" [ laughter ] we'd love you! we'd love to have you! come on over! it's so fun! come on! you'll love us! [ cheers and applause ] that's right. albuquerque's economy is going to take a hit because "breaking bad" is coming to an end. that's bad news.

and here he is -- jimmy fallon!d applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> that's a great, great new york city crowd right there. welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon," everybody. you guys doing good tonight? well, welcome. welcome and thank you so much for coming and thank you for being here. we're going to have fun tonight. here's what everybody is talking about. everyone is talking about beyonce has got a new haircut. [ laughter ] beyonce has a new haircut. she looks beautiful in anything. >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: she would look beautiful bald. yeah, she has a new hair cut. she has hair. short, short hair. it's blond. do we have a photo of it? look at that. [ audience woo ] it's gorgeous. i think she looks beautiful. she always does. but her fans seem to be divided over this. yeah, some and say it's weird and unflattering. and well, others have lives. [ laughter ] it's a haircut. [ cheers and applause ] it's a haircut. big deal. who cares? movie buffs out there will be very excited about this. they just discov

>> guillermo: yeah, jimmy. >> jimmy: do you speak any english?guillermo: yes. >> jimmy: who should i talk to? who seems most excited, guillermo? him? that's joey fattone. what is he doing out there? you can't go on stage. this is not the mtv awards. >> bummer. >> jimmy: what is your name? >> jordan. >> jimmy: what its that in your nose? >> that is metal. >> jimmy: it is metal. yeah, boy, that seemed like a mistake, huh? >> no. >> jimmy: what is that tattoo. why have a tattoo when there is a forest of hair on top of it. >> it says "till death do us part?" >> jimmy: it does. >> separation between friend, family, and memories. >> jimmy: not you and your body hair. >> that is not going anywhere. >> jimmy: who else is there? guillermo. what is your name where are you from? >> hi, jimmy! >> pamona. >> fontana. >> jimmy: what does it say on your sign? >> justin brings sexy back. >> jimmy: i bet he has never seen that sign before. >> i'm sure he hasn't. >> jimmy: creativity is your key to getting noticed here tonight? >> definitely. >> it obviously works

jimmy!nd happy married life. >> jimmy: thank you, thank you, i was wondering if you have any jokes about the fact that people in india have the least sex of people in any country. yes, thank you. >> here we go. >> jimmy: okay, wow, right in there, huh? >> why does an indian man call a condom? a year's supply! get it? because we never have sex. hahahaha. >> but we do. lots of it. >> jimmy: okay, i do get it, yes. do you have any other jokes you can share with us? >> yes, he does. he has many more. >> jimmy: oh, you do. great. >> give me a second, jimmy. >> jimmy: pretty loose in the leather of those pants -- >> what is an indian man most favorite position for sexual intercourse with a woman. >> jimmy: i don't know, what is an indian's man most favorite position for sexual intercourse with a woman? >> doggy style -- like 2008 -- get it? >> jimmy: yeah, i actually do get it. not really the specific kind of joke i'm looking for, i need jokes about how infrequently indians are having sex. yeah, r

jimmy kimmel is okay. >> jimmy: i'm okay.hat even a story, guillermo? >> guillermo: everything is a story including this. i have an exclusive one-on-one interview with stacy keibler, it is over there. >> exclusivo! >> guillermo: stacy keibler, is she hot or what? is that your real hair? >> yes. >> guillermo: can i smell it? >> what? >> announcer: mucho! >> guillermo: stacy keibler's hair is real, text 1, the real deal. text 2 to say no she is wigging out. speaking of celebrity with hair. justin bieber is trying to grow a mustache. he does not look like a baby-baby anymore. with more on that, it's me, guillermo. >> mustache watch 2013. >> look. it's so little. i think it is look a girl. >> mucho! [ cheers and applause ] >> guillermo: to borrow justin bieber's mustache is good -- 1, yes this mustache is good. or text 2, say no purity. that's the for now. tune in next time for my ultimate list who is getting divorced who is having sex. it is going to be disgusting! until next time, i am guillermo, and this is "mucho"! [ cheers a

here's jimmy kimmel! >> jimmy: hi, guys. i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching at home. thank you for being here in our studio audience tonight. before we get going, i have -- i have a question for all of you, mostly for those of you seated in like the first five rows. are you scared of tigers? because, there is a tiger coming in about 20 minutes. all right. not the reaction i would have. but -- dave salmoni, wildcat expert, animal planet, brought a lion, tiger, snow leopard. keeps them in the storage locker at van nuys. they haven't eaten for a while. i have to be honest. i love dave, i do not like having wild animals on the show. i am scared of wild animals. i like dogs, that's fine. and i don't know why we keep doing this every few months. guillermo, if a snow leopard tears my throat out. i am leaving you everything. my pizza oven. my rollerblade. subscription to "teen people" that is yours. >> guillermo: all right. >> jimmy: dave is backstage. he's got. what has -- oh, look at that. what is that, dave? >> we have an owl monkey here. >> jimmy: owl monkey? >> yep. >> j

>> jimmy: put some sweat pants on! >> steve: ew. >> jimmy: ew. ew.tball being back. i mean -- [ cheers and applause ] football's so fun. and this sunday night, we've got the seattle seahawks and the san francisco 49ers going head-to-head. oh, this is very exciting. >> steve: come on. >> jimmy: yeah. two great teams, right here. now, every year at the end of the season, they give out awards like most valuable player. but they also give out awards during the season, sort of like the ones in high school yearbooks. like most likely to succeed, class clown, stuff like that. so with that in mind, it's time for "late night superlatives." here we go. ♪ late night superlatives ♪ >> jimmy: this is great. our first player is zach miller. he was voted most likely to request a rectangular helmet. [ laughter ] when they make those. next is phil dawson. he was voted most likely to be the love child of james carville and mr. clean. [ laughter and applause ] that was a close race. this is russell wilson. he was voted sexiest cabana boy. [ laughter ] we have michael b

>> jimmy: from jimmy kimmel live. tonight, harrison ford. keri russell, and music from joan jett and the blackhearts. with cleto and the cletones. and now don't worry, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: very nice. i'm jimmy kimmel, host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for being here tonight. thank you for your music. [ cheers and applause ] all right, who's -- who's ready to get rich flipping houses? you know, i have to say the times i enjoy hosting a television show most are the times when i get a chance to comment on major news stories, the kind of stories that years from now we'll all remember where we were when they broke. for instance, i remember where i was when i found out elvis died. my sister and i were at the movies, and my mother picked us up. and when we got in the car, she said elvis died. and that was pretty much that. we weren't a big elvis family. but the point is it was a big enough story for me to remember. and i hope your mom is picking you up from the movies right now because this one

>> jimmy: really.they watch the show? >> actually believe it or not we had our premiere in d.c. and got invited to go to the cia. i'm not supposed to tell anybody this, don't tell anybody. we want to the cia and had a tour, showed us around. tacked talked to agents. and they made it clear the show was entertaining, and good and fun. >> jimmy: they didn't feel like it was how it really goes. >> what they do for a living is very serious. what we do for a living is, not so serious. so. >> jimmy: what they do is probably more boring. we are seeing, they're looking up files and doing research. >> or shooting people or doing undercover operations or, you know, boring stuff. >> jimmy: all sorts of crazy stuff going on. >> bipolar agent. probably not something that is on their roster. >> jimmy: you don't think they let bipolar people stay at athe agency. >> i guess it is possible. one thing that i thought was funny. while i was there, we all got a tour together. then a few of us got singled out. and the one wh

>> jimmy: go.- hoobastank. >> whoa. after i win, you know what i'm going to do, jimmy? >> jimmy: what? >> i'm going to get in a fight with dwayne johnson. i'm going to put a paper bag over his head and say, "ha! paper over rock!" >> jimmy: all right. very good. well, after i win, i'm gonna -- i'm gonna photoshop a picture of me and you wearing the same outfit, sell it to "us weekly" and then pay them $500 to say i rocked it better. >> oh! [ cheers ] you know what else? you know what? after i win, you know what i'm going to do? >> jimmy: what? >> i'm going to say meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. because i speak cat. [ hissing ] [ laughter ] yeah! >> jimmy: after i win -- >> yeah. >> jimmy: i'm gonna -- >> i'm gonna -- >> jimmy: i'm gonna to steal your name -- i'm going steal your name and rearrange it. from now on, people will know me as jacked hu-man. >> yeah? >> jimmy: yeah! yeah! that's a brain bender. >> after i win, i'm going to change my name, too. you know what i'll change it to? i d

but jimmy fallon happening right now. jimmy!applause ] ♪ >> steve: from studio 6a in rockefeller center, the national broadcasting company presents -- tonight's guests are -- and featuring the legendary roots crew. and here he is -- jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, my goodness. thank you very much. looking great. thank you very much. [ cheers and applause ] that's what i'm talking about, right there. i feel the love. i feel the love tonight. welcome. welcome, everybody, to "late night with jimmy fallon." you guys feeling good tonight? [ cheers and applause ] that's what i'm talking about. thank you for watching at home. here's what people are talking about. bill clinton was in the news this week because he gave this interview, and he said that his daughter chelsea would actually be a better president than hillary. [ audience ohs ] you can tell hillary's mad. because tonight she kicked him off the couch and made him sleep in their bed. [ audience ohs ] [ laughter and applause ] whoa, w

>> i did not get one. >> jimmy: i got one. >> that's good. >> jimmy: i will tell you.on't want to spoil the festivities. in hollywood tonight is the first night, prima note, a big italian festival, the family and i put on behind the theater every year, food, rides, the petting zoo. this may be the only place in los angeles where you can eat a pork sausage while petting a big. for those that don't know, the patron saint of pinky rings and tank top undershirts i think. the feast is going to go on all weekend. if you are italian or italian-curious, stop by. all for schar techarity, maybe d beat g tuchuillermo's record? 580? >> guillermo: 582. >> jimmy: 5282. cardinal gio franco made a comment at the vatican. jesus was the first person to tweet. the cardinal said like twitter messages, jesus' messages were brief and full of meaning. brief i get. when has there been a twitter message full of meaning? an interesting claim and come pars on to make. no wonder jesus walked on water he didn't want to get his phone wet i guess. the cardinal believes, jesus "used tweets before eve

and now, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi, everybody.hank you for watching. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i -- i know most of you are here for the air conditioning. but i welcome you nonetheless. what a show we have for you tonight, the very funny bill hader is here with us. a band from australia, which is the place where they make kangaroos. alpine is here [ cheers and applause ] we will get a visit from richard simmons, too, richard might be -- and i say this in the best possible way, he may be the craziest person. i say this in a good way. he brought barbie dolls -- what did he say to you? >> he said to guillermo, he goes guillermo, i just want to make sweet love to you on a big plate of carne asada, and then i left. and he goes look at this guy. you shouldn't eat for an f-ing year. i was like thanks. >> jimmy: something to think about. and he made fun of our announcer dickey's hair, what did he say? >> i'm not sure. it was brief, but it was wonderful. your rug, he mentioned rug, i kept moving, jimmy, i just kept moving. >> jimmy:

but jimmy fallon's happening right now! jimmy!uests are -- and featuring the legendary roots crew. and here he is -- jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you very much. feeling good tonight. thank you very much, everybody. look how good you look. look at this. good looking crowd. great new york city crowd here. welcome, everybody. thank you. welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon." you guys feeling good tonight? i can feel it. yeah, it's very special. [ cheers and applause ] it's going to be a special night. here's what people are talking about. the new york mayoral primaries are tomorrow. and in an interview with the "today" show this morning, anthony weiner -- [ laughter ] he's still running for mayor, yes. [ laughter ] he said he's convinced that he'll be the next mayor of new york city, even though only 7% of voters support him. [ laughter ] even kathie lee and hoda were like, "that guy must be drunk." [ laughter and applause ] you're not mayor of the year, buddy. here's some good n

but, jimmy fallon happening right now. jimmy!ause ] ♪ >> steve: from studio 6a in rockefeller center, the national broadcasting company presents -- tonight's guests are -- and featuring the legendary roots crew. and here he is -- jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you all very, very much. it feels good to be back home. hot crowd. welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon," everybody. you guys feeling good? [ cheers and applause ] i'm happy you're here. thank you for being here. i know traffic is awful outside. i already heard. traffic is insane here in new york city. everything's closed off because of the -- what is it? the united nations. united nations general assembly is right here in new york city. and all the world leaders coming together for this thing. today, president obama gave a big speech over there on the middle east. the leaders from the middle east were, like, "you have touched our hearts. [ laughter ] and from now on, we shall have peace." [ laughter and applause ] and ob

but, jimmy fallon happening right now. jimmy!and applause ] ♪ tonight's guests are -- and featuring the legendary roots crew. and here he is -- jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's what i'm talking about, right there. hot crowd. great new york city crowd right there. welcome, everybody. welcome. oh, goodness. thank you so much. welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon," everybody. you guys are feeling good? [ cheers and applause ] thank you so much. i'm feeling good. i'm excited. here's what everyone is talking about. football is back. it's finally here. [ cheers and applause ] football is back, but after seven months of waiting, last night's nfl season opener between the ravens and the broncos was actually delayed for 34 minutes because of lightning in the area. apparently, god was like "no tebow, no football." [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] but of course, the weather delay really killed a lot of the pregame hype and excitement. take a look at this from last night. >> 10 -- 9 --

>> jimmy: what is going on?: what do you think of stones as far as health goes? >> they go right to your ass. >> jimmy: well, you look pretty good. [ cheers and applause ] >> i want to sing with -- >> jimmy: you want to sing with -- pit bull? >> i want to sing with -- okay, i wrote 29 songs. >> jimmy: 29 songs? that seems like too many. >> and i did -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that is you and katy perry there. how many workout videos have you made? >> 70. >> jimmy: 70 workout videos. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: but we have one of your new workout videos, and well -- let's roll that clip, shall we? >> hi, it is me, richard simmons, and you will love my brand-new workout, twerking to the oldies, twerk off those pounds to good-time rock and roll. you have to get moving, i brought my friends from twerk desoleil, you will meet mad marta. june bug, dizzy battie, and grandpa, once you get the hang of it, the sky is the limit. >> order two and get richard simmons's twerk-off shorts absolutely free on vhs. >> twerk i

>> no, we are good, jimmy. >> jimmy: thank you, guys. >> speed it up. >> jimmy: okay.speed it up. all right. thanks. they called me on my phone. i have to say this is amazing. because, my phone has the the miraculous ability to provide individually to all. all right, we need to take a break. when we come back, security guard gillermo has "mucho" a lot to share, and we have music from bastille, and we've also got amy poehler, and stephen merchant. [ male announcer ] when you have sinus pressure and pain, you feel...squeezed. congested. beat down. crushed. as if the weight of the world is resting on your face. but sudafed gives you maximum strength sinus pressure and pain relief. so you feel free. liberated. released. decongested. open for business. [ inhales, exhales ] [ male announcer ] powerful sinus relief from the #1 pharmacist recommended brand. sudafed. open up. and? and then i'll become a scientist and change the world! the world? now you're talking! [ female announcer ] packed with whole grain fiber and a taste kids love, kellogg's frosted mini-wheats. help feed