>> jimmy: of course. >> my turn >> jimmy: yep. >> okay. [ tambourine banging ] [ piano playing >> jimmygood night thank you! ♪ ♪ >> announcer: tonight on "late night with seth meyers" -- kumail nanjiani, star of "military wives," writer and actress sharon horgan, featuring the 8g band with fred armisen ♪ and now, seth meyers >> seth: welcome to "late night. how's everybody doing tonight? i've started teaching myself the banjo and my wife has started teaching herself divorce law so let's get to the news former vice president joe biden criticized president trump yesterday for promoting unproven coronavirus treatments like ingesting disinfectants and

>> jimmy: hey, guys.s weekend is mother's day but because of the pandemic, hooters isn't offering their annual free meal for mom i'm sorry, honey, kids and i are going to try to make it up to you we'll make your day special still, don't worry well, it's our eighth week of quarantine and i heard that some people are trying to relax by turning their homes into spas. yep, you just lie facedown, turn on some soothing music, then your kids jump on your back until you turn on a movie for them listen to this, disney is now offering the disney bundle - gary gary, get out of there that's -- what were you doing in there >> looking for something to roll in again. >> jimmy: yeah gary might have caught some fox disease or something gary, what are you even doing? maybe you're just an inside dog. gary gary you seem concerned listen to this disney is now offering the disney bundle which includes hulu, espn+ and disney+ for $12.99 a month and this is cool for an extra $5, you can own disney well, this isn't good. i read t

>> jimmy: hello there.ng word that my name is jimmy kimmel and i'm the host of what they say is some kind of a "talk" show, so that's exciting. thank you for joining me. today is -- actually, i have no idea what day today is. guillermo, what day is it? >> jimm >> guillermo: oh, i don't know, i'm very drunk. >> jimmy: at least you have an excuse. hey tony, grammy, and emmy award-winner andre de shields, what day is today? ♪ it's thursday, thursday, thursday night ♪ >> yeah! >> jimmy: oh, okay. it's thursday. that's good. that means "the cosby show" was on, right? county officials here in los angeles, just released guidelines for re- opening our schools. there are a lot of them, they're going to have students walk single file in the hallways. there will be strict seating on buses, staggered recreation time in the schoolyard. basically, it sounds like a prison where you have to learn geometry. classrooms will be limited to 16 seats, spaced 6 feet apart. and there are also new rules for bullies. from now on, al

>> jimmy: oh, so easy. love and dance again ♪ ♪ >> hey that wasn't bad. >> jimmy: that was awful there's no way >> it's hard to do these in one thing. these kids, they take hours to do their tiktok and get them right. maybe not hours. >> jimmy: you are the best thank you so much. i'm out of breath. >> thank you, baby >> jimmy: thank you for playing with me. i will interview you, right after this is that okay >> yes, let's do it. >> jimmy: i'm going to go get some water [ laughter ] you're the best! jennifer lopez ♪ there you go, jennifer lopez, officially the first winner of the "watch-it-once tiktok challenge. more with j-lo when we come back, everybody. come on back ♪ ♪ (vo) love. it's what we've always said makes subaru, subaru. and right now, love is more important than ever. in response to covid-19, subaru and our retailers are donating fifty million meals to feeding america, to help feed those who now need our help. its all part of our commitment to our communities through subaru loves to help. love,

>> jimmy >> jimmy: vince. >> jimmy, are you listening? >> jimmy: yeah, totally. so hard.e is that - ♪ >> i crafted a dense and brilliant metaphor about the state of our country and he wasn't even listening. eh, maybe it wasn't that brilliant. maybe trucks aren't the internet at all. and the apples are oranges is this how i always talk? i need to listen to myself now i'm not listening to either of us? >> jimmy: at least 12. vince? >> yeah, i completely agree >> jimmy: right, will, the thing is - what am i even saying? no wonder he wasn't listening. who cares how many oreos i eat when i quote, "have it my way," unquote. >> he said something hilarious and brilliant and i was off thinking about -- what was i even thinking about? >> jimmy: trust me, it wasn't that brilliant i was in my head worried about what you were thinking of me >> wait, you can hear me >> jimmy: wait, my thoughts can hear your thoughts dude, this is so cool. how are you, man >> wow i'm okay you know -- just, you know, being thoughts in a clown's head >> jimmy: me, too. not a great time to be someone's tho

yeah when it's gone in the morning. >> jimmy: bye, bud love you, man. >> see you, jimmy. >> jimmy: we'llse yogurt or milk to soothe your skin or you could use schick hydro silk with hypoallergenic serum for the smooth shave we all deserve. schick hydro silk so as you head back out on the road, we'll be doing what we do best. providing some calm amidst the chaos. with virtual, real-time tours of our vehicles as well as remote purchasing. for a little help, on and off the road. now when you buy or lease a new lincoln, we'll make up to 3 payments on your behalf. now when you buy or lease a new lincoln, i came across sofi and it was the best decision of my life. i feel cared about as a member. we're getting a super competitive interest rate on our money. we're able to invest through the same exact platform. i really liked that they didn't have any hidden or extra fees. ♪ sofi has brought me peace of mind. truly thank you for helping me prepare for whatever the future has in store. ♪ smoky bacon. crispy bacon. tasty bacon. bacon!a get that bacon! there, in that bag! (mom) who wants a beggin'

and here's jimmy. >> jimmy: welcome to "the tonight show." let's get to the jokes mother's day happy mother's day to all the moms out there this sunday is mother's day but experts telling people not to visit their moms or hug them treat mother's day like it's father's day you kids remembered? you didn't of course a lot of kids had to serve their mom breakfast in bed. that's nice. would be special if you hadn't eaten every meal in bed past two months it's the thought that counts 23 & me offering discount for dna tests, nothing says mother's day like saying are you really my mom let's find out have we ever done that >> never i'm scared to. >> jimmy: why? >> because of the system >> jimmy: please we're all in the system. right now you're -- you're already in the system. saw you walk by, they cloned you already. check this out dunkin' donuts, dyi donut kits with frosting and sprinkles. give your kids 30-second activity and yourself an hour of cleaning you can make your own dunkin' donuts at home and to make it authentic, first let the donuts sit

and now, here's jimmy. >> jimmy: you said what you had to say.e proud of yourself you did the right thing. we have david spade, kathryn hahn, the killers. i know i love david spade, too. i know i love kathryn hahn, too, and the killers all right. yep. no, she's great and everything i got to run talk to you soon, dr. fauci. guys after yesterday's senate hearing people are phrasing dr. fauci. but kentucky senate rand paul think he's starting to think a little disheveled. here's his senate photo. and here he is today he looks like every guy waiting for an otb to open. come on! we're missing the first race so more countries across the world are slowly reopening and in the netherlands they're about to open barbershops and waxing centers. people are excited about that one because it's been a while since someone took care of their netherlands. normally when you tell someone to work from home forever you're fired. i read that when live concerts start up, there won't be mosh pits or crowd surfing. kenny g. was like are you [ bleep ] kidding me [ bleep ].

i love your p.o.b., jimmy. >> jimmy: molly? >> it's not molly. it's me, lentils. >> jimmy: lentils?n lentils? >> yeah, lentils from the kitchen lentils. remember me? >> jimmy: oh, right. i forgot i put you in there. how have you been? >> oh, i'm great. i'm awesome jimmy. i'm so, so good just in this cupboard. actually i don't want to fight. i kinda just wanna know what happened? because last we spoke i remember we were in the supermarket and you turned to your wife and you said "let's get some lentils." that was years ago. >> jimmy: didn't i use you to make some kind of soup once? i used like a handful of you? jimmy, can i speak for a second? in 2017, you looked at me, lifted me and put me right back on the shelf. that was the last time you even touched me. that was the last time i was even touched, do you know how hard that is? >> jimmy: i feel like you're reading too much into this. i feel like you're going a little bit overboard. >> oh,. i love when a man tells me how i should be feeling and that i shouldn't trust my emotions. you know, jimmy? i hear what your kids call me. the g

let's take a tour, jimmy >> jimmy: oh, i love it.> a i'm going to see him >> get in ere. >> jimmy: hold on. oh, there hes. >> there's my dad. there's me and my dad hanging out. >> jimmy: aww. was that a prom or something school graduation.ual high me and obama, just chillin'. >> jimmy: no big deal, it's just obama >> yeah, it's me and obama there is the st. louislues they won the stanley cup last year remember sports? [ laughter ] yeahsports are pretty fun. >> jimmy: do y remember sports this is my biggesfan. jimmy: oh, i love that! hey, thas a nice fan by th way. that's a nice fan >> jimmy: are you a collector of anything? >> me and my mom when i was a little kid >> jimmy: aww, look at mom i love that. remember when they the photos ry like that i love that. >> oh, yeah, that are uared. am i a collector yeah, i guess. i got like, you know, have like weird stuff that i've held to that is like-- [ lahter ] i mean, here's a gd one. hold on. >> jimmy: yeah >> it's a great-- great tv when i'm off camera just spinning chair. [ laughter ] >

>> jimmy: it's banana bread.rona baking this weekend, if you catch my drift. >> i don't but thank you, that's really thoughtful. >> jimmy: go ahead try some >> sweets are really more of a weekend thing. what the heck! there we go. it's a nice piece. it's really good >> jimmy: bthat was a pretty bi bite there so michael, how is your social distancing been? ♪ in the white room with black curtains ♪ >> jimmy: michael, how's social distancing >> social distancing so chill distancing >> jimmy: gobi >> hey, jarrett. dude, i just realized something. >> jimmy: what >> cpa spells kpaw kpaw, dude, that's my job. kpaw, kpaw >> jimmy: trust me, no one is more surprised than me hey, i got a new segment for the show i want to do. are you down >> oh, yeah, oh, yeah, but real quick. did you notice this virus is called covid, and we're all making covids, like kcovideos >> jimmy: yeah, that's really insightful. >> we should start a video company like a company that does covids and we'll name our company coolville. >> jimmy: that's

what's up jimmy? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you doing good, man?just thinking of some stuff that i need to add to my irk list >> jimmy: your irk list? >> tariq: yeah, yeah like my list of things that irk me, piss me off. >> jimmy: what do you mean what's irking you? what's bothering you >> tariq: i mean, yeah you know, i'm just tired of being talked down to in my own home, jimmy. >> jimmy: people in your house are talking down to you? >> tariq: yeah, exactly. exactly, man the wife, the toddler, the teenager, they all talk down to me i mean, granted they're all taller than me, you know [ laughter ] that's cool. i'll give you that >> jimmy: you're not that short, though. >> tariq: i'm not that short, but you know, just a little bit. you know, i just want to be built up a little bit, man you know >> jimmy: what are they doing to you, man? >> tariq: they're too petty, man. it's like they take all my favorite things, and they store them just a little bit beyond my reach [ laughter ] right? so, like it's to make me think i can reach it and then, you know

>> now >> jimmy: yes, sir >> again >> jimmy: yes, okay!oghorn >> there we go >> jimmy: is there more water in your glass? [ laughter ] i got basically slapped in the face with water just there >> it's a talent [ laughter ] oh [ bleep ] last one, man. ♪ >> jimmy: one, two, three! flip what [ cheers and applause >> whoa! whoa [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause woo-hoo! [ laughter ] [ screaming that one went up -- that one went up my nose. dude, that one went up my nose right there. all right. here we go >> all right >> jimmy: one, two, three! ♪ oh war! >> oh, i know. >> jimmy: no, you know what that means >> this is amazing >> jimmy: that means take out your pitcher you got a pitcher down there now, pick three, and when we flip over that, that is the all-time winner. pitcher, glass, water cannonea alright. >> jimmy: one card, two card, three, and then -- >> one, two, three >> jimmy: this is war, baby! >> no matter what happens, i love you >> jimmy: i love you too, man. >> bam oh, my god double [ bleep ] war

. >> jimmy: yeah, exactly.when you come on, your rap group, clipping. >> yeah. we've got -- i mean, you know, this down time has allowed us to focus on some things. we were supposed to go on a tour we had to cancel our tour. we had like 60 dates booked. we were really looking forward to it. but obviously, that can't happen right now but we also were supposed to put out this live album we were calling, "double live" on record store day we recorded it live during our tour with the flaming lips we did a tour opening for the flaming lips >> jimmy: wow. >> and invited our friend christopher fleeger along, who's an incredible sound artist and what he did is during our sound check he would run all over whatever venue we were playing at and put mics in odd places he'd stick a hydrophone down a a sink in a bathroom or put a contact mic up against the air-conditioning unit or put mics in trees outside. anywhere that while we were warming up felt like it was making an interesting kind of sound. and we got all of these bea

>> jimmy: hello, i'm jimmy kimmel.elcome to the longest and worst episode of mtv's "cribs" ever. there is nothing fun in this house including the owner. you know,que don't have a vaccine yet. there's some big news from the world of breakfast, ihop has announced a new cereal, called panflakes, they are little pancake pancakettes you can pour in a bowl. if the virus won't kill you, we will. i have a feeling they'll be very popular. in washington, d.c. , became the first cereal to be awarded a presidential medal. dr. rick bright, harshly criticized the white house response to covid-19. he was recently removed from his post as head of the biomedical authority, and replaced with the guy who makes trump's omelets at mar-a-lago. he warned us the window is closing to address the pandemic. unless that window is a drive through window at kfc there's no way trump's going to bother. bright said if we don't get our act together the united states could be headed for the darkest winter in modern history. the good news is he's saying

and now, here's jimmy. >> jimmy: hey, everybody welcome to "tonight show" at home edition it's me, jimmyallon saying hello, and thank you so much for watching on a wednesday night. the week is halfway over, it's basically thursday so, you know, good job, everybody. way to staying home. way to wear masks. we're doing the right thing, we're flattening that curve. come on, we got this, guys let's go it's wednesday two more days? come on, we got this, right? and then the weekend is here yeah, which is basically what today feels like anyway, it doesn't matter. let's start with some jokes. how about this, i'm excited about this, my guest tonight is new york governor andrew cuomo [ applause ] oh, my goodness. i called governor cuomo yesterday and i said, hey, man, you busy tomorrow? and he was like, not at all. no, not doing anything right now. i'm actually -- yeah, kind of bored. i need stuff to do yeah, i definitely want to do your show, jimmy thank you. so that's cool, he's doing that guys, this sunday is mother's day. i saw that louis vuitton released a series of free e-cards. what's better

>> about 60%. >> jimmy: 60%? >> 60. >> jimmy: you were the first one?immy: how were your symptoms? was it difficult? >> so yeah. so i had a fever for 12 days, nausea, dizziness. it was pretty crazy. >> jimmy: when a nurse gets coronavirus, who takes care of you? >> so my husband, fred, took care of me. he was very good. my parents, they drove from staten island to long island to deliver me groceries. they were very nice to me. >> jimmy: wow. you know they love you if they'll drive from staten island to long island. that is true love. and your parents contracted the virus as well. your husband contracted the virus. is everyone okay now? >> yeah. everyone's good. so we all got through it with no problem. >> jimmy: so we did a little bit of research on you. and we looked into some of your likes. and i know you're a music fan. >> yes. >> jimmy: i'd like to introduce you to somebody, t.j. his name is dave. dave, say hello to t.j. >> [ bleep ]! dave! >> hey, t.j. >> dave! i am a huge, huge fan. my friend will be so jealous. i'm going to text her. huge! oh, my

i mean - >> jimmy: really >> yes yeah >> jimmy: you're good?eeks. we did a week on -- the first week was like -- >> well, we piggybacked some - >> energy and electricity. >> oh, yeah. >> and then we did like, how to build things >> architecture. >> architecture. >> and building. >> wait, the one thing that we did do that i feel like is a a good hack, is we enlisted our friends to do, like 20 minute zoom sessions with our kids. it would be like, teach our kids anything. and it could be anything from making flower arrangements, to architecture, to like anything and so, that gives us 20 minutes of not parenting. and also allows our kids to have another type interaction. >> and it works really well with people who are like single >> yeah. >> and they are home, they're alone. >> and they don't have kids. >> they don't have to do anything they don't have kids that they're chasing around all day so, they've got a free 20 minutes or 30 minutes and they'll like just engage in that so, we did one architecture lesson we did one - >> energy lesson >> recyc

hi, jerry. >> hey, jimmy, how's it going. >> jimmy: now i feel underdressed.first person who's dressed up on the show from home. >> i am a real, professional comedian, and this is my first time on your show and i thought i needed to dress. >> jimmy: how are you handling your hair? are you letting anyone touch your hair during the pandemic? it looks good. >> i have a clipper, and after the show, i'm going to have my wife clip it down to about a half inch, and that will last me about three months. >> jimmy: you trust her with that duty? >> no, but i'm going to do it anyway. >> jimmy: are you in the office right now or the hallway or where? >> yes, this is my office in long island. >> jimmy: nice, you have records there. do you listen to lps? >> robert kline, george carlin on the bottom. i set that up just for this. >> jimmy: did you really? >> yeah. sure. >> jimmy: because i, very carefully, picked which cookbooks i will have on my desk so all the chefs watching would know and be excited. only one of them has been watching. we'll see if the others tune in. have

>> jimmy: hola, i'm jimmy kimmel. happy most boring cinco de mayo ever.on't know about you, but it don't feel like a cinco de mayo to me unless i'm in a tecate tank top getting thrown out of a senor frog's. happy cinco de mayo guillermo. >> guillermo: happy cinco de mayo to everybody! >> jimmy: what do you have planned today? >> guillermo: oh, i'm going to drink tequila and eat tacos, like almost every night. >> jimmy: it's cinco de mayo and taco tuesday. which is like a pinata inside another pinata. be careful, guillermo, we don't want to lose you. el presidente weighed in on cinco today. remember a few years ago, he posted this stupid picture with the message, "happy #cincodemayo! the best taco bowls are made in trump tower grill. i love hispanics!" well, i guess that wasn't embarrassing enough the first time, because today, he posted it again. "remember this? happy cinco de mayo." of course, we remember. how could we forget? that was just before our country started cinco-ing into the abyss. trump was up very late last night watching tv and rage-tweetin

jimmy looked fantastic however, the day we shot the scene with jimmy and megan dancing, jimmy's customn. j-fal. >> jimmy: what up? >> drop the beat ♪ starin' outside all the leaves are changin feelin' kind of cold can't stop complainin' ♪ ♪ days getting' shorter with that setting su guess hot girl summe is really done ♪ ♪ then my phone rings and i look to se it says megan thee stallio on the caller i.d. ♪ ♪ she say jimmy you're not makin any sense at all after hot girl summer ♪ ♪ comes no ♪ >> you're not saying - ♪ hot girl fall bitch yeah it's finally here it's the season to get coz with a pumpkin ass beer ♪ ♪ grab a cable-knit scarf and your chunkiest sweater cause the summer was dope ♪ ♪ but the fall' even better ♪ >> jimmy: so wait. megan, can i do hot girl fall, too? >> um, of course hot girl fall is for everyone. >> jimmy: but, if i do hot girl fall, is it called hot guy fall >> uh, no. >> jimmy: okay, that's cool. ♪ ♪ hot girl fall is a state of mind it's a jack-o-'lantern fille to the brim with wine ♪ ♪ it's sending sexy pic of your turkey breas it's you and dog getting matchin

jimmy, hang on >> jimmy: this game transcends music. playing it >> yeah. it's the rhythm. >> i don't know because he just stopped. ♪ ♪ >> yo, they're trying to distract you i'm killing this game, son do you give up >> jimmy: yeah. >> i was singing mmmbop. i was singing mmmbop >> kirk, we can still win this. >> jimmy: of course. what instrument was sent to you, kirk >> a didgeridoo. >> jimmy: oh have you looked at your song yet, kirk? >> i have not. >> jimmy: check it out let's get ready, and let's hear it if you do this, we will tie. >> oh, man all right. tarik, i think you may have to be colllairvoyant for this, but i'll do my best. ♪ ♪ >> i know this song. ♪ like you want me to ♪ >> yes >> come on, man. you danced to that song. you danced to the song it was the dance that gave it away that that's charades. >> i'll allow it i'll allow it. >> hey, seriously. get serious for a little bit. >> okay. >> jimmy: this is worth 50,000 points whoever wins this, wins. here's the catch me and tarik are playing at the same time. so whoever gets thi

that's a lot. >> jimmy: that is. >> that's a very loud house, jimmy, a very loud house. >> jimmy: youe tent by yourself. >> you know what? >> jimmy: how's she doing? >> she's excited, man. it almost got the best of her for a minute. she got a little cabin fever, that's when i got to tap in and do my job and make sure her spirits are high, make sure that she feels beautiful, make sure that we're as active as we can be in and and the house and being creative. so, from quality time with us and the kids, movie night, taco, making some tacos, game night, doing various different tik toks, talking more, having some deep discussions. getting to know each other. you just gotta, you got to really use your time wisely. that's how you get through this, and you come out of it with a better understanding and feel for each other and love, love one another, at another level. >> jimmy: see, kevin, this is why it makes perfect sense that you've written this book about success, because you do put things in very plain terms, and you make, you, i actually feel inspired now to maybe set up a tent and stay

>> jimmy: that's where i say jimmy, and it's jimmy. >> okay, yes.ay "happy birthday to you " ♪ happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear ♪ >> jimmy:chacazy. how much do we get for that? >> if you have a vin mow, i'll zipped y send you a cut. >> dicky: portions of "jimmy kimmel live" are brought to you by coors light who are helping out americans who could use a beer. if your walls could tahelp us.'d say... it's time. today let's paint. that kitchen. that hallway. that, whatever that is. let's paint with the friends you bribed with pizza. don't judge me. see, they'll do anything for pizza. let's paint our houses, and our fancy doghouses. it's a fancy doghome. right, let's paint with the #1 rated paint. boom! today let's paint. behr. exclusively at the home depot. add some resistance. sara, your movie plus trial is about to expire. do you want to continue or cancel? ♪ capital one knows life doesn't update you about your credit card. so meet eno...the capital one assistant that looks out for charges that might surprise you and helps you fix them. anot

♪ >> jimmy: welcome back to "jimmy kimmel live" from my house.ck programming note, tomorrow night in primetime here on abc, i am hosting a new episode of "who wants to be a millionaire" on its new night and time, thursdays at 8/7 central. later on, i will play a round of "millionaire" with my kids. but first, a gentleman who is a contestant on "millionaire" tomorrow night. you can watch the season finale of his great show "black-ish" next tuesday night. please welcome anthony anderson. hello, anthony. >> hey, what's going on, jimmy? >> jimmy: you're very scruffy. you've got almost a mr. t-length beard going there, huh? >> it's growing, and i'm wearing my swashbuckler shirt, we're reenacting scenes from our favorite movie. i'm black beard in "pirates of the caribbean". >> jimmy: is that what you're doing? >> that's what i'm doing, baby. coming to a screen near you. this is my creative mind working at home. >> jimmy: who are the other characters? >> it's all just castaways. it's all about me, really. >> jimmy: who's with you right now? who's in the

>> jimmy: that's where i say jimmy, and it's jimmy. >> okay, yes.birthday to you, happy birthday dear ♪ >> jimmy: chacazy. how much do we get for that? >> if you have a venmo, i'll send you a cut. >> dicky: portions of "jimmy kimmel live" are brought to you by coors light who are helping out americans who could use a beer. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ let's be honest. quitting smoking is hard. like, quitting every monday hard. quitting feels so big. so try making it smaller, and you'll be surprised at how easily starting small can lead to something big. start stopping with nicorette. ♪[ siren ] & doug starting small can lead to something big. give me your hand! i can save you... lots of money with liberty mutual! we customize your car insurance so you only pay for what you need! only pay for what you need. ♪ liberty. liberty. liberty. liberty. ♪ i do motivational speakingld. in addition to the substitute teaching. i honestly feel that that's my calling-- to give back to younger people. i think most adults will start realizing that they don't recall things as quickly a

>> jimmy: welcome back to "jimmy kimmel live" from my house.he week and we have a big surprise for her. next week on the show sarah paulson, janelle monae, patton oswalt and kevin hart will join us. so we hope you will too. my guest tonight is a three-time nba champion, two-time most valuable player, and now miniature golf legend. his miniature golf show "holey moley 2: the sequel" premieres one week from tonight here on abc. from the golden state warriors, please welcome stephen curry. hello, steph, how you doin'? >> what's up, jimmy? how you doin'? >> jimmy: i'm doin' all right. you look like -- it looks like things are neat in your house. things are not quite as neat in my house. >> i just picked the right spot. i'm totally fronting right now. everything on this side of the camera is a total mess. >> jimmy: that makes sense. i can't believe you quit basketball to play miniature golf. it really is something i never imagined. when jordan quit to play baseball, that was big, but this seems extra ridiculous. >> i was inspired by the documentary

>> what's up, jimmy? how you doin'? >> jimmy: i'm doin' all right. like things are neat in your house, things are not as neat in my house. >> i just picked the right spot. i'm totally frontin' right now. everything on this side of the camera is a total mess. >> jimmy: that makes sense. i can't believe you quit basketball to play miniature golf. it's something i never imagined. when jordan quit to play baseball, that was big, but this is extra ridiculous. >> i was inspired by the documentary for sure to find my true calling in life, and i think i found it. >> jimmy: have you been watching the documentary? >> i have. really cool perspective to hear him talk about his career in his own words. everybody can create narratives and to have images, but to hear from his own words and set the tone for what that '91 to '98 type of run was, it's just crazy to watch and hear and see, i'm lovin' it. >> jimmy: did you have the foresight to do that, to do that yourself, to have cameras around documenting the behind the scenes? >> yes and no. so i got plenty of foota

>> jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy. welcome to my abode.member when marie condo made us throw out all our stuff in i want those things back now. it seems like every day we're learning something new while we're in quarantine. for instance, this is something i learned over the weekend. did you know hitler had an alligator? well, he did, and now that alligator is dead. this is a gator named saturn who passed away at age 84. during world war ii, saturn was believed to have been owned by adolf hitler, which is crazy. who knew hitler had his own neverland ranch. the moscow zoo, which is where saturn retired, who issued a statement, even theoretically, if the animal belonged to someone, animals are not involved in war and politics it is absurd to blame them for human sins. but how about that, hitler had an alligator. a weird haircut, exotic pets. this really was the joe exotic of the '40s. here in california, we are entering phase three of the governor's plan to reopen the say the. eric garcetti announced all retail businesses are allowed to let c

hello, lisa. >> hi, jimmy. >> jimmy: how are you? >> okay. how are you? >> jimmy: i'm good.nine-week, three-day weekend? did you relax? >> yes,i i've been relaxing the whole time, honestly. i like it. >> jimmy: who are you quarantined with, the family? >> yeah, my son, and my husband sometimes. >> jimmy: sometimes? >> sometimes, which is, i think, the best way for a marriage. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: now wait, now, you know it's not really a quarantine if someone else is not participating in the quarantine. it has to be 100%. >> yes, we were, and we were 100%. we were all together in the desert. because we have a house there. >> jimmy: oh, in the palm springs area. we call it the desert here in l.a., yes. uh-huh. >> and then there was the lock-in, so we just stayed put. but that house needed work. >> jimmy: i see, so there are workers at the house, but your husband -- is he still at the other house? >> yeah, yeah. see, and then what happened was, it got to be hotter. as it does in the palm springs area, right? >> jimmy: sure. ? so it was too hot for me. >> jimmy: so you left.

right now ♪ pa-da-pa, pa-da-pa, ♪ jimmy >> from his house! >> jimmy: hi, everybody. i'm jimmy.nk you for watching television. think of this as a zoom call where you don't have to say anything or pretend to care about your boss's dog. i had an okay week -- i've been doing a lot of research, actually, to see if i can get cryogenically frozen until christmas. apparently it's doable. today as you know is may the 4th, also known as star wars day, as in may the 4th be with you. and of course if you are celebrating "star wars" day be sure to stay at least two light sabers apart. we need the force now more than ever. as if we didn't have enough to worry about, as if things weren't already insane, the country is now being invaded by something called murder hornets. these are hornets. they're two inches long. and they kill people and bees. so looks like we're never leaving our houses again. two murder hornets were spotted in washington state driving a red ford f-250 north on interstate 5. an official from the washington state department of agriculture said the hornets are probably not go

>> jimmy: hello again. jimmy kimmel reporting from -- where am i tonight? oh, right, my house.orting again from my house. this kind of tells you all you need to know about how it's going for me. last night, netflix recommended that i watch what i eat. here in california certain types of stores will be allowed to open in a limited capacity starting tomorrow. just in time for the most confusing day of the year for mike pence --mother's day. the captain of the space force was in alexandria, virginia today. you see here he is with no mask on, wheeling boxes of ppes into a health care center. and doing his best to lift them. what a hero. just barely in the door. and since it was going so well, and also because he didn't realize he had a mic on, magic mike decided to keep it going. listen in closely here. >> is this for the camera? >> jimmy: mike pence pretending to carry empty boxes into a health care center, what a hero. a big box of nothing carrying another box of nothing. one of the president's personal valets has tested positive for coronavirus, which is a big deal. he does ever

so - >> jimmy: yeah >> jimmy: ben, could you stick around for one more segment?anks. more with ben stiller when we come back everybody. ♪ ♪bang bang, there goes my bang bang,♪ ♪i want my bang bang, ♪i want my bang bang go bang bang♪ ♪there goes my bang bang, ♪go bang bang, there goes my bazooka♪ ♪go bang bang, there goes my bang bang,♪ ♪i want my mind blown, i want my mind blown♪ ♪go bang bang, there goes my bazooka♪ yoo-hoo, progressive shoppers. we laughed with you. sprinkles are for winners. we surprised you. on occasion, we've probably even annoyed you. we've done this all with one thing in mind. to help protect the things you love. and if we can't offer you the best price we'll help you find a better one. it's not always the lowest! even if it's not with us. that's how we've done it for the past 80 years. even inot just today, or. this month, but always. [m♪ come now set they: "togepast on fire ♪ ♪ stand up raise your face to the sky my love ♪ ♪ together we can take it higher ♪ ♪ together we can take it higher ♪ ♪ together we can take it higher ♪ so yes, thi

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: welcome back to "jimmy kimmel live" from my house.onor not one but two healthcare heroes of the week. they are nurses from little rock, arkansas who volunteered to go to new york to help with the covid relief effort there. and they are mother and daughter. which is perfectly lovely, as we celebrate mother's day. please say hello to ooochay and ona. how are you? >> we're fine, how are you? >> hi, jimmy, i'm excited to see you. >> jimmy: i'm excited to see, you too. what a great thing you've done. tell us how this happened. how did you wind up going from arkansas? whose idea was it and how did it happen? >> well, i'm from nigeria. i had a bad marriage, and i decided to move on. so i came to the states. >> jimmy: mm-hm. >> became a nurse. initially started as a waitress. >> jimmy: where did you work as a waitress? >> i worked in waffle house. i worked in taco bell. >> jimmy: oh, all right. and then you got your nursing degree? >> yes. i got my lpn license, got my rn license, then went to nurse-practitioner school and have my np. >> jimmy

appreciate all that you do. ♪ >> jimmy: welcome back to jimmy kimmel live from my house.omorrow night, the great lionel richie will be with us and later this week, stephen curry and bill murray. my guest tonight is an american treasure. he's been wearing sweatpants on tv long before anybody was doing it. his excellent movie "uncut gem"" arrives at netflix on may 25th. please welcome adam sandler. adam. you've brought a guest with you. >> jimmy, you remember sunny? she was in brooklyn with us that time. >> jimmy: hi, sunny. how are you? >> i wanted to tell you a quick thing about my sunny. so i had a hair coming out of my ear apparently. and sunny told me about it. and she said i looked goofy. so i went and shaved -- i took the razor i usually shave with. and i went like this. and then i came out. i said how's that, sunny? she said you're bleeding. so apparently -- tell jimmy what it looks like back there. >> so it's like -- it's bloody and then there's a big -- >> there's a gut. she says apparently there's a gut coming off my ear. there's a little blood. but we're calming

>> jimmy: hello there. i'm jimmy. thanks for making time for us. how was your day today? miss me? i missed you too. i missed you so much i followed you today! now close your mouth cause you're cold-busted. sorry, i've been getting pretty deep into oran juice jones. i actually had a great day today. something very exciting happened. i got a big package. it was light. it was big and weighed about one pound, and i opened it up, and lo and behold, it was a large package of toilet paper. i was like a kid on the toilet on christmas morning. 60 double-rolls of heaven. courtesy walmart.com. i've been checking every site every day to see if any popped up. and about a week ago. and there it was. and now i have it. this is the closest i'll ever get to winning the powerball. i'm so excited to have all this toilet paper, i don't even want to use it! i just want to stack it up and look at it. this morning, i took them all out of the plastic. and built a fortress out of them. it did not hold. the dragon was able to burst through. if you'd told me three months ago i'd be this excited abo

>> hey, jimmy.oing in our studio >> jimmy: it's good to see you guys but what are you doing here? >> oh, you know, we're just getting ready for sectionals >> jimmy: sectionals wait, you guys have glee club too? [ laughs ] >> yeah. >> doy >> we have a glee club it's the cast of "parks and recreation," and some other guys. [ light laughter ] [ laughter ] [ audience ohs ] >> oh, snap. ♪ [ cheers and applause >> look, there's nothing in the rule book that says a band from one show can't go to sectionals with the cast of another show. >> i'm afraid she's right, jamie. >> jimmy: it's jimmy >> oh, okay. [ laughter ] >> if i'm going to sectionals, i want to win. and if we have the roots, we're going to win >> jimmy: okay, look, but why do you have to take the roots? they're my band. why steal my band? >> hello street cred. you know how many cool points we'll get for using rappers? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: is there anything you can do about this? >> it's totally out my control there's nothing i can do i am sup

neutrogena®. >> jimmy: welcome back to "jimmy kimmel live" from my house.a murray is in his tub at his house. bill murray gives good advice. he gave us good advice when we had our baby. maybe you can help some of these people, all right. >> sure. >> jimmy: this young woman, kate, she says i have nothing to do in quarantine, do you have any advice? >> i think she should just walk around the house. i think you'd be surprised how many insect infestations are happening right now. i don't think people are aware of it, this is the time when insects move. i think she should move around the perimeter of her house. you can use baking soda, baking powder, that kind of thing. she should just sprinkle the house around it. neighbors that you don't get along with will see that and they won't be coming by any longer, so that's going to help the family. >> jimmy: little girls lovebugs. there's gelato in the freezer that isn't mine. should i eat it? bye-bye, flor. >> it's a free concert. that's the people's gelato. it's a free concert. i should recommend to flor that she sh

>> jimmy: welcome back to "jimmy kimmel live" from my house.n us tomorrow night, my guest will be stephen curry. and we are going to honor our healthcare hero of the week with the help of a magnetic mystery music man. if there's anyone who can shake us out of this pandemic doldrum, it is my guest tonight. he's joining us now from murray manor, please welcome bill murray. hi, bill. hi, bill. how you doin'? >> hi, jimmy, how are you? >> jimmy: i'm doing well. >> i'm doing well, but i'm in that funny moment. i don't know if everyone's going through the same moment i am. i'm drawing my tub now, getting the right temperature is always a problem for me. today is kind of a celebration, i haven't seen you in a while. i thought a bubble bath would be appropriate, but you know how it is with bubbles, you can't -- >> jimmy: you can't count on bubbles. >> you can't snap your fingers and make them. they just come when they come. they're not in any hurry. >> jimmy: we're not in a rush. we can wait for the bubbles to come. >> no, no. i'm dying to talk to you.

join us at visible.com. ♪ >> jimmy: welcome back to jimmy kimmel live from my house.row night my guest will be dakota johnson who just happens to be my next door neighbor. we're going to scream to each other over the fence. and on friday night we welcome the great sean penn. no one in the world was more prepared for these uncertain times than my guest tonight his whole life to this point has been a pandemic bootcamp. you can watch him safely on the new season of 'america's got talent' tuesday nights on nbc-please welcome mr purell, howie mandel. hi, howie. how are you doing? >> hi, jimmy. ten weeks, ten weeks. when do the salons open up? when can you go to a barber, ten weeks? >> jimmy: your hair is really unkept. it's getting out of control. >> oh, my god, it is. look at my roots. i don't know if you can see. >> jimmy: they're very clear. >> i know. it's been crazy. you're lucky, you got a show every day. i got to look for things to do each and every day. >> jimmy: what are you doing? >> everybody was doing banana bread, and then tie-dyeing. like everybody's trying t

>> hey, jimmy.e goulding and this is my new song, "worry about me." >> one, two, three, four. ♪ you can worry about this you can worry about that ♪ ♪ you can worry about she ♪ you can worry about me ♪ you can worry about this you can worry about that you can worry about she ♪ ♪ been having good times ♪ been having late nights ♪ yeah ♪ and then you call me ♪ call me ♪ ask me if i'm all right ♪ what the hell ♪ saying that you care about me ♪ ♪ but you just want to be in my head buzz 'cause you're lonely ♪ ♪ i thought i made you feel safe ♪ ♪ oooooh, why are you tryna put me in a different mood ♪ ♪ just because i'm still not seeing someone new ♪ ♪ oh ♪ baby, you ain't gotta, you ain't gotta worry ♪ ♪ worry about me ♪ lately i don't think about you ♪ ♪ feeling so free ♪ ♪ baby, you ain't gotta, you ain't gotta worry, worry about me ♪ ♪ you can worry about this, you can worry about that ♪ ♪ you can worry about she ♪ you can worry about me ♪ you can worry about this, you can worry about that ♪ ♪ you can w

tell jimmy love you. we've got to go. i've got to get out of here. >> jimmy: bye, sunny.nny thing is you're not going anywhere. you're going to see her again in two seconds. that's how much your children love you, adam. >> yeah, they're always kind of around. you go upstairs and do some homework and get away from daddy so he can talk dirty. >> jimmy: how are you handling this? i feel like you are designed for quarantine because you don't really like to go places. right? >> you know that, jimmy. i think i'd rather have the -- i like it better to say no. i like when my wife says let's go somewhere and i go i don't want to do that. but i don't like being told by this pandemic you can't go anywhere. it's cooler to say no. >> i looked it up and i think the last time you were sighted in public was at the lakers game sitting next to denzel washington. in february. >> yes. that was a good night. we were all allowed to go out then. i think i had a couple more nights out. i saw jim carrey's movie, the "sonic." and i noticed that people were spread out. there was only a few of us in

but that would change. >> jimmy who? >> jimmy carter? >> jimmy who? >> i don't know who he is. >> jimmy carter is a baseball player, isn't he? >> he looks to me he's all right. he's a democrat, right? >> he's a people's man. >> he's sexy. >> what do you mean by that? >> i never thought of jimmy carter as sexy. i think that if it comes down to it, people would say more that gerald ford is sexy because he was a football player. carter is sexy? >> i think he's a very neat man. >> i think he has a nice smile. how do you do? >> bushy hair flying all around. >> i heard he was a peanut farmer. >> i don't think it makes any difference, you know, whether he's a peanut farmer or not. there's nothing wrong with peanuts, as far as i'm concerned. >> i picture him like one of us. one of the working people, one of the common people. >> and now, ladies and gentlemen, it gives me a great deal of pleasure to present to you the next president of the united states, jimmy carter. >> sometimes introductions are hard to follow. i remember about five years ago when i was run

jimmy who? jimmy? who jimmy carter? i don't know who he is. he looks all right to me. he's a people man. >> you see sexy? >> what do you mean by that? >> i've never thought of jimmy carter a sexy? >> i think people would say gerald ford is maybe sexy cause he was a football player. but carter sexy? >> i think he's a very nice man. >> i think he has a nice smile? how do you do >> he's got bushy here flying all around. >> i heard he's a peanut farmer. >> i don't think it makes a difference whether he's a peanut farmer or not. there's nothing wrong with peanuts. >> i picture him like one of us. one of the working people and the common people. >> ladies and gentlemen, it gives me a great deal of pleasure, to present to you the next president of the united states, jimmy carter. >> sometimes introductions are hard to follow, i remember about five years ago, when i was running for governor. and the young man who introduced me, had done a great deal of work on my background. he got up and said we have with us tonight, jimmy carter from carter from planes georgia. he went to so

>> jimmy: hello, i'm jimmy, thank you for watching. what are you look-in' at?ething weird about my face? that's because it isn't my face! it's a mask! a friend made me a mask of my own face. these make great gifts for the dumbest bank robber in your life. anyway, today, doctor anthony fauci testified before the senate today to warn senators - many of whom are ready to get going about the dangers of opening the country too quickly. facui testified remotely because he's under quarantine which was fun because we finally got a chance to see inside his house. and answered a question from senator bernie sanders. >> are we fearful that if we don't get our act together, as bad as the situation is now, it could become worse in the fall or winter? >> i think that a possibility does exist. however, and the reason i say that ♪ who let the dogs out for this virus to just disappear, and i've said this many times, it's just not going to happen. >> jimmy: wait until his parents get home. they're going to be furious. fauci told "the new york times" yesterday that re-reopening t

jimmy had cracked the case.complished. >> once you see the map, the falcons, you want to tell the fbi about it, right? >> i did. i went to the hot line, i had for the fbi girl, i called, i got some type of a voice recording, it was after-hours. >> so jimmy left a message for his fbi contact to come get him, the map and the falcons. his freedom. and the answers to trisha's parents prayers were hours away. >> i was elated. i felt i wrapped this up. >> you're expecting the troops to come marching in. >> expect the troops to come marching in. and it didn't quite work that way. >> what he couldn't know was his fbi contact didn't get his voice mail. and it was the inside contact, the chief psychiatrist was on vacation. >> then you got a little full of yourself, didn't you. >> i did. i went back to my cell. i was really happy. and 24 hours, they will have me out of here, i've got what they need. this is it. so i went across to the cell over there. >> impulsively, jimmy decided he just couldn't leave prison without givi

>> jimmy: hi there. i'm jimmy. here we are again. you in your house, me in mine.e you had a successful mother's day. this was probably the strangest mother's day ever, especially for me. i spent some of my mother's day in a twitter feud with, you know that weird baby that lives in the white house? the one with the orange face? well, he is in a mood! and apparently part of the reason for that mood is something i did. on thursday night, i showed a video. it was one of these embarrassing photo ops of mike pence, the vice president, carrying boxes, delivering ppe to a facility for senior citizens. it was a publicity stunt to show how much they're "doing." but that happens in politics, ok. fine. the trouble started because at one point of the video, after awkwardly lugging a heavy box to the door, pence finds some empty boxes in the van. why there were empty boxes in the back of the van i don't know. but he finds them and says, "can i just carry the empty ones just for the camera?" which turns out he was joking. how anyone can tell when mike pence is joking i don't kno