, here's jimmy kimmel!jimmy: thank you. thank you. hi, everyone. that's very nicece thank you, i appreciate. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for being here. thank you for pretending you care about me so you can see lady gaga. lady gaga is here tonight. [ cheers and applause ] i don't want to spoil the surprise, but i took a peak backstage to see what she's lady gaga is wearing maybe the most shocking outfit yet. she's wearing a sensible pantsuit from talbots. [ laughter ] truthfully i don't know what she's going to wear, but i did notice all the post-it notes in my office are missing, so, who knows? this is lady gaga's second appearance on a show. the first time was her first appearance on a talk show back in 2008. at that time, she was known by her full name, lady gaganopolous. i was the one to suggest she shorten it, and she did. and also tonight, from "cowboys and aliensns the great harrison ford. [ applause ] and i think that -- i think with all the lady gaga stuff

>> we did it for the jimmy kimmels and all the hollywood's here. >> jimmy: great.e live at venice beach. talking to the beautiful beach bunnies. the bodacious beach bad guys. let's see what it's all l out. there's -- there's lots of ways to have fun in the sun. that's one of them. nobody ever said the beach was a bad place for the most wonderful romance. >> yes, it is. ♪ >> no, no. someone told me you were a wavetown rider? >> no, man. >> he has to be. ♪ >> yo, what's up? >> cruising by. getting faster along the sidelines. >> of course. >> comes with the territory. on the beach, might get a little sandy. how you doing? welcome to the muscle beach gym. some of the strongest and toughetough est come here to pump it up. it's a good place to getet exercise. when you're pumping that, do you say, i'm going to be one of the trainers out on the sand? >> no. that's not me. i do this for -- well, actually, i do it for health. where you from? >> nowhere to run, nowhere to hide from the styty profile. gushing like --ong coming. the first soso. ♪ send you to town >> ask you a c

. >> dicky: tonight on an all-new "jimmy kimmel live" -- jeremy piven. >> stand up! stand up! >> dicky: denise richards. >> jimmy: if tiger woods asked you on a date, would you go on a date with tiger woods? >> ah, let me think about that. >> dicky: and comedian todd glass. >> there you go. is that so bad? >> jimmy: no, no, no it's fine. >> you look good. >> jimmy: thank you. not everything is a joke. what's wrong with you people??3q take the finish challenge. my name is ashley and my blog is not without salt. when i take pictures of my food, you don't want to see spots on the dishes. i was using cascade actionpacs. they just didn't have that brilliant shine. when i took the finish challenge, i was thrilled. as soon as i opened up the dishwasher, i could tell there was a difference. my dishes had a shine on them. this little guy right here makes my dishes incredibly shiny. i'm moving on to finish quantum. take the finish challenge for yourself. if you don't see a difference, it's free. >> jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy kimmel for animal planet's new reality show, "hillbilly handfishing."

\e ♪ it's jimmy kimmel live and now check this out here's jimmy kimmel!plause ] ♪ >>>>immy: thank you. hi, everyone, i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for coming. i want to extend a special welcome to those of you who got your tickets on groupon. 20% off is not bad. this has been a rough week for the economy. as you probably know, our national credit rarang got downgraded on friday which caused a nose-dive on wall street yesterday. the dow had its sixth biggest point drop ever. let me tell you something, if i had any understanding of any of this, i'd be very nervous right now, i reaeay would. fortunately though i don't. today the market bounced back and gained 430 points. so i guess we're rich again? congratulations, everybody. [ applause ] we're number one again. speaker of the house john boehner andd minority leader nancy pelosi made an announcement that they're ending their page program. apparently it was teaching them bad habits. so they've got rid of them. the program -- this program has been around for 200 years.

with cleto and the cletones. ♪ it's jimmy kimmel live and now, moving right along, here's jimmy kimmelplause ] >> jimmy: very nice, thank you. welcome to the show. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the program. thank you, cleto. thank you for watching. thank you for coming. welcome to the most romantic night of the year on abc. the season finale of "the bachelorette" and the night i finally make love to my guest chair. we've been flirting for years. tonight it's going to happen. after -- as you probably know, after extensive spit swapping with a pool of 25 men, ashley hebert chose the one she wants to spend the next 5 to 11 covers of "us weekly" tonight. it all came down to ben and j.p. they did things a little differently.y. last week, ashley announced she stopped using birth control. tonight they flew maury povich in. whoever made her pregnant was declared the winner. they did it the old-fashioned way. the winner or the guy she chose was j.p. i was hoping it would b b j.p. you know, j.p. is short for jimmy's pick. [ laughter ] it's not over yet. if the house and the senate fail to ratify as

. >> dicky: up next on an all-new "jimmy kimmel live" -- >> jimmy: all the fighting in congress has made for an intense few weeks. though the makeup sex tonight is going to be amazing. >> dicky: hank azaria. >> jimmy: only grown man crying at "the smurfs." >> dicky: jim sturgess. and music from the lonely forest. >> jimmy: we raise the debt ceiling and jennifer lopez's lary all in one day. what a great day to be an3q lysol believes your family should never have to touch a germy pump again. so we developed the new stainless look no touch handsoap system. our lysol no touch handsoap system automatically dispenses the perfect amount of soap, and kills 99.9% of bacteria, helping to stop the spread of bacteria all over your home. for healthy tips and more, visit lysol.com/missionforhealth ♪ we were skipping stones ♪ and letting go ♪ over the river and down the road ♪ ♪ she was waiting up around the nd ♪ ♪ smile at me and then you take my hand ♪ [ female announcer ] nature valley granola bars, where delicious ingredients like toasted oats, with rich dark chocolate, sweet golden honey, or cream

and, now, above all, here's jimmy kimmel! [ applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you. hi there. i'm jimmy.how. thank you for coming. thank you for ignoring the very serious problems facing our country to watch the show tonight. as you probably heard, the united states' credit rating has been downgraded to aa plus. which, am i the only one who thinks that sounds pretty good? i'd settle for a dd plus myself. apparently, this is a very bad thing. because aa is short for "ah, the economy's about to be destroyed." the president took his family to the olive garden this weekend. his credit card got declined. it's embarrassing. standard & poor's, which is the company that downgraded us, said our credit rating could drop even lower. in case you don't understand what a credit rating downgrade means to a country, basically, you know that cousin that asked you for $900 to get his deejay company off the ground? that's us. that's what we are to china ght now, we're cousin ray. we owe china more than $1 trillion. and i don't know where we're going to get $1 trillion. here's what i propose. instead of pay

with cleto and the cletones. ♪ it's "jimmy kimmel live" >> dicky: and now, not only that, here's jimmyimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's very nice. thank you. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for coming, thank you for watching, thank you for swatching, if people are still doing that, i don't know. i want to start tonight by wishing a happy birthday to our president, barack obama,a, who,s of midnight, turned 50 today. although republicans in congress are demanding that he cut his age back to 40, so, we'll see. the presidentt celebrated his birthday with a campaign fund-raiser in his hometown of chicago tonight. oprah jumped out of the cake and -- [ laughter ] then jumped back in. she loves cake. the tea party held a protest outside the party, which seems a little out of place. it's the guy's birthday. but they really don't like obama. everything he does makes them suspicious. in fact, we've invented a machine here, , it's a tea part machine. now, what happens is, we -- we'll take a newspaper article, like, a regular news headline and then we process it through

with cleto and the cletones. ♪ it's "jimmy kimmel live" >> dicky: and now, i reckon, it's jimmy kimmel cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you, cleto. well, thank you very much. welcome. howdy, i should say. i'm jimmy. thank you for watching. thank you for coming. just for the record, i want everyone to know, i'm not a cowboy, i'm a cowman, okay? we have a theme tonight. it's like a regis and kelly halloween show. tonight, we pay tribute to the movie "cowboys and aliens." i have t tsay, already, i feel a lot more comfortable than i did during our last cowboy-themed show with jake gyllenhaal. i like being dressed like a cowboy. it almost makes me forget i watch "the bachelorette" every week and talk about it. i'm somewhere between john wayne and john tesh right now. the cletones have been transformed into an old west saloon band. our announcer dicky y dressed up like a doctor or something like that. even, believe it or not, guillermo is dressed up. i'm a cowboy and he is an alien. a legal alien, i might add. we have a special guest director tonight, the director of "cowboys and aliens

. >>> also, jimmy kimmel, more sad news. from the show, a big part of the show, he passed away at the age of 77. if you're a big jimmy kimmel fan, you've seen the uncle frank feature, so long, on the right. passed away at 77 years old. 20 years he spent as a cop in new york city police officer and became a staple on the show in 2003. our condolences to jimmy. he was really nice. cute old guy, great part of the show. >> his presence will be missed on the show for sure. >> he will. rest in peace. hó introducing crest 3d white enamel renewal toothpaste. it not only removes up to 90% of surface stains in just two weeks, it also strengthens and rebuilds your enamel. new crest 3d white enamel renewal toothpaste. life opens up when you do. >>> here are some stories to watch today on abc news. attorney general eric holder meets with relatives of 9/11 victims today. he is updating them on the federal investigation into phone-hacking allegations after the news corp. scandal in great britain. >>> controversial tv and radio personality

. >> dicky: up next on an all-new "jimmy kimmel live." >> jimmy: it turns out that perry was at one timeemocrat, but just once in college, he was experimenting. >> dicky: joel mchale. >> i began

. >> dicky: up next on an all-new "jimmy kimmel live" -- >> jimmy: been a turbulent few weeks for thetock market. it went down 500 and went up

. >> dicky: up next on an all-new "jimmy kimmel live" -- jamie foxx. >> jimmy: that's xaps when you wearah print sheet. >> you got it, baby. >> jimmy: obama continues his

. >>> up next on an all new jimmy kimmel looiv. >> the president's expected to get an earful from voters an ear -- that's like ten regular earfuls. >> betty white. >> next week, i'm t

we see for starting with just traumatizing for me feel sorry for course i do fear the media for jimmy kimmel to get the job done. and earlier russia and its first medals following a want to finish in the man's twenty kilometer walk. won the same event at the world finals in berlin lived up to his billing by taking yet another gold rush and completing the distance in one hour nineteen minutes and fifty six seconds stacey one seconds ahead of them patrick. lewis for now the law versus. the media at the start of it was very important for me to compete in the world championships but it was also a very tough and you want to first won the gold medal at the two thousand and eight olympics i was not very well known and not considered a favorite but now after winning the gold medal at the world championships in berlin i'm already under scrutiny and everybody wants to be so it was very tough for me. and elsewhere amputee athlete oscar pistorius has made a successful debut at the top level south africa nicknamed the blade runner progress and into the four hundred meters semi's with the time all forty f

his nephew, jimmy kimmel tweeted thanks to his followers. and paris hilton's ex-boyfriend pled contest to a dui dmarj las vegas. the result of a traffic stop last august. he was fined $585, given a 30 day suspended jail sentence and ordered to attend a victim impact panel and dui school. hollywood buzzing at red carpet blu ray release party for "scar face". >> i was just talking to ludicis how rappers talk about how why, what this film is, what it means. i think it's clear what this movie is about. and why it's endured. >> for more from the big event visit otrc.com. that is all from hollywood. >> pretty funny just hearing al pa chino say you know, i was just talking to ludicry. s. >> and alice waters showing her new project. >> and how drastic state education cuts are affecting student test results in california. there seems to be a disconnect. >> then at 5:00, el neeno taking the heat. new research linking the weather demon to government uprising. >>> the bay area chef is celebrating the 40th anniversary of her restaurant. alice waters was